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Crabtre—A Project Gutenberg eBook - </title> - - <style type="text/css"> - - p {margin-top: .75em; text-align: justify; margin-bottom: .75em;} - - body {margin-left: 12%; margin-right: 12%;} - - .pagenum {position: absolute; left: 92%; font-size: smaller; text-align: right; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;} - - h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center; clear: both;} - - hr {width: 33%; margin-top: 2em; margin-bottom: 2em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; clear: both;} - - table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} - .botbor {border-bottom: solid 1px;} - - .giant {font-size: 200%} - .huge {font-size: 150%} - .large {font-size: 125%} - - .blockquot {margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} - .poem {margin-left: 15%;} - .note {margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%;} - .hang {margin-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} - .caption {text-align: center; font-size: small;} - .title {text-align: center; font-size: 150%;} - - .right {text-align: right;} - .center {text-align: center;} - - .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} - - .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} - - .bbox {border: solid 2px; color: gray; margin: auto; text-align: center;} - - a:link {color:#0000ff; text-decoration:none} - a:visited {color:#6633cc; text-decoration:none} - - .spacer {padding-left: 1em; padding-right: 1em;} - .spacer2 {padding-right: .5em;} - .spacer3 {padding-left: 6em; padding-right: 6em;} - - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Funny Side of Physic, by A. D. Crabtre - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Funny Side of Physic - -Author: A. D. Crabtre - -Release Date: December 10, 2012 [EBook #41595] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FUNNY SIDE OF PHYSIC *** - - - - -Produced by The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at -http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images -generously made available by The Internet Archive.) - - - - - - -</pre> - - - -<p><a name="frontis" id="frontis"></a> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<h1><small>THE FUNNY SIDE<br /> -OF PHYSIC:</small></h1> -<p class="center">OR,</p> -<p class="center">THE MYSTERIES OF MEDICINE,<br /> -PRESENTING THE<br /> -<span class="smcap">Humorous and Serious Sides of Medical Practice</span>.</p> -<p class="center"><span class="large">AN EXPOSÉ</span><br /> -OF<br /> -MEDICAL HUMBUGS, QUACKS, AND CHARLATANS<br /> -IN ALL AGES AND ALL COUNTRIES.</p> -<p> </p> -<p class="center">By <span class="large">A. D. CRABTRE</span>, M. D.</p> -<p> </p> -<p class="center">HARTFORD:<br /> -J. B. BURR & HYDE.<br /> -CHICAGO AND CINCINNATI:<br /> -J. B. BURR, HYDE & COMPANY.<br /> -1872.</p> - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<p class="center">Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1872, by<br /> -J. B. BURR AND HYDE,<br /> -In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.</p> - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> -<h2>PREFACE.</h2> - - -<p>The books which most please while instructing the reader, are those which -mingle the lively and gay with the sedate spirit in the narration of -important facts. The verdict of the reader of this work must be (it is -modestly suggested), that the author has luckily hit the happy vein in its -construction.</p> - -<p>Of all facts which bear upon human happiness or sorrow, those which serve -to increase the former, and alleviate or banish the latter, are most -desirable for everybody to know; and of all professions which most -intimately concern the personal well-being of the public at large, that of -the physician is most important. The author of this book has spared no -pains of research to collect the facts of which he discourses, and has -endeavored to cover the whole ground embraced by his subject with -pertinent and important suggestions, statements, scientific discoveries, -incidents in the career of great physicians, etc., and to fix them in the -reader’s mind by <i>apt anecdotes, which will be found in abundance -throughout the work</i>.</p> - -<p>There is no better man in the world than the true physician, and no more -base wretch than the ordinary “Quack,” or medical charlatan. If the author -has spared no pains of study to make his book acceptable, he may be said, -also, to have as unsparingly visited his indignation upon the quacks who -have all along the line of historic medicine disgraced the physician’s and -the surgeon’s profession.</p> - -<p>The general public but little understand what a vast amount of ignorance -has at times been cunningly concealed by medical practitioners, and how -grossly the people of every city and village are even nowadays trifled -with by some who arrogate to themselves the honorable title of Doctor of -Medicine.</p> - -<p>Herein not only the base and the good physician, but the honorable and the -trifling apothecary, receive their due reward, or well-merited punishment, -so far as the pen can give them. The reader will be utterly surprised when -he comes to learn how the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> quacks of the past and the present have brought -themselves into note by tricks and schemes very similar and equally -infamous. The wanton trifling with the health and life of their patients, -the greed of gain, and the perfect destitution of all moral nature, which -some of these men have exhibited in their career, are astounding.</p> - -<p>The apothecaries, as well as physicians, are descanted on, and the -miserable tricks to which the large majority of them resort, exposed. The -public will be astonished to find what trash in the matter of drugs it -pays for; how filthy, vile, and often poisonous and hurtful materials -people buy for medicines at extortionate prices; how even the syrups which -they drink in soda drawn from costly and splendid fountains are often made -from the most filthy materials, and are not fit for the lower animals, not -to say human beings, to drink. And this fact is only illustrative of -hundreds of others set forth in this work.</p> - -<p>This work not only exposes the multifold frauds of quacks, apothecaries, -travelling doctors, soothsayers, fortune-tellers, certain clairvoyants, -and “spiritual mediums,” and the like, who “practise medicine” to a more -or less extent, or profess to discover and heal diseases,—but it points -out to the reader the most approved rules for protecting the health, and -recovering it when lost. In short, it is a work embodying the most sound -advice, founded upon the judgment of the best physicians of the past and -present, as tested in the Author’s experience for a period of twenty -years’ active practice. In other words, it is a compendium of sound -medical advice, as well as a racy, lively, and incisive dissection and -exposure of the villanies of quacks and other medical empirics, etc.</p> - -<p>Persons of all ages will find the work not only interesting to read, but -most valuable in a practical sense. To the young who would shun the crafts -and villanies to which they must be exposed as they grow up,—for all are -liable to be more or less ill at times,—it will prove invaluable, -enabling them to detect the spurious from the reliable in medicine, and -how to judge between the pretentious charlatan (even enjoying a large -ride) and the true physician. And none are so old that they may not reap -great advantages from the work.</p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> -<h2>CONTENTS.</h2> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#I">I.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">MEDICAL HUMBUGS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>ORIGIN AND APPLICATION OF “HUMBUG.”—A FIFTH AVENUE HUMBUG.—JOB’S OPINION OF DOCTORS.—EARLY PHYSICIANS.—PRIESTS AS -DOCTORS.—WIZARDS COME TO GRIEF.—A “CAPITAL” OPERATION.—A WOMAN CUT INTO TWELVE PIECES.—ANECDOTE.—ROBIN HOOD’S LITTLE -JOKE.—TIT FOR TAT. ENGLISH HUMBUGS.—FRENCH DITTO.—A FORTUNE ON DIRTY WATER.—AMERICAN HUMBUGS.—A FIRST CLASS “DODGE.”—A -FREE RIDE.—A SHARP INTERROGATOR.—DOCTOR PUSBELLY.—A WICKED STAGE-DRIVER’S STORY.—“OLD PILGARLIC” TAKES A BATH.—LUDICROUS -SCENE.—PROFESSOR BREWSTER.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_19">19</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#II">II.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">APOTHECARIES.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>FIRST MENTION OF.—A POOR SPECIMEN.—ELIZABETHAN.—KING JAMES I. [VI.].—ALLSPICE AND ALOES, SUGAR AND TARTAR -EMETIC.—WAR.—PHYSICIAN VS. APOTHECARY.—IGNORANCE.—STEALING A TRADE.—A LAUGHABLE PRESCRIPTION.—“CASTER ILE.”—MODERN -DRUG SWALLOWING.—MISTAKES.—“STEALS THE TOOLS ALSO.”—SUBSTITUTES.—“A QUID.”—A “SMELL” OF PATENT MEDICINES.—“A SAMPLE CLERK.”</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_61">61</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#III">III.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">PATENT MEDICINES.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>PATENT MEDICINES.—HOW STARTED.—HOW MADE.—THE WAY IMMENSE FORTUNES ARE REALIZED.—SPALDING’S GLUE.—SOURED -SWILL.—SARSAPARILLA HUMBUGS.—S. P. TOWNSEND.—“A DOWN EAST FARMER’S STORY.”—“WILD CHERRY” EXPOSITIONS.—“CAPTAIN WRAGGE’S PILL” A -FAIR SAMPLE OF THE WHOLE.—HOW PILL SALES ARE STARTED.—A SLIP OF THE PEN.—“GRIPE PILLS.”—SHAKSPEARE IMPROVED.—H. W. B. “FRUIT -SYRUP.”—HAIR TONICS.—A BALD BACHELOR’S EXPERIENCE.—A LUDICROUS STORY.—A WOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_78">78</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#IV">IV.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">MANUFACTURED DOCTORS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>A BOSTON BARBER AS M. D.—A BARBER “GONE TO POT.”—FOOLS MADE DOCTORS.—BAKERS.—BARBERS.—“A LUCKY -DOG.”—TINKERS.—ROYAL FAVORS.—“LITTLE CARVER DAVY.”—A BUTCHER’S BLOCKHEAD.—A SWEEPING VISIT.—HOP-PED FROM -OBSCURITY.—PEDAGOGUES TURN DOCTORS.—ARBUTHNOT.—“A QUAKER.”—“WALKS OFF ON HIS EAR.”—WEAVERS AND BASKET-MAKERS.—A TOUGH -PRINCE; REQUIRED THREE M. D.’S TO KILL HIM.—MARAT A HORSE DOCTOR.—A MERRY PARSON.—BLACK MAIL.—POLICE AS A MIDWIFE, ETC., ETC.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_99">99</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#V">V.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">WOMAN AS PHYSICIAN.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>HER “MISSION.”—NO PLACE IN MEDICAL HISTORY.—ONE OF THEM.—MRS. STEPHENS.—“CRAZY SALLY.”—RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.—RUNS -IN THE FAMILY.—ANECDOTES.—“WHICH GOT THRASHED?”—A WRETCHED END.—AMERICAN FEMALE PHYSICIANS.—A PIONEER.—A LAUGHABLE -ANECDOTE.—“THREE WISE MEN.”—“A SHORT HORSE,” ETC.—BOSTON AND NEW YORK FEMALE DOCTORS.—A STORY.—“LOVE AND THOROUGHWORT.”—A GAY -BEAU.—UP THE PENOBSCOT.—DYING FOR LOVE.—“IS HE MAD?”—THOROUGHWORT WINS.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_123">123</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#VI">VI.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">QUACKS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>ANECDOTE IN ILLUSTRATION.—DERIVATION.—FATHER OF QUACKS.—A MEDICAL “BONFIRE.”—THE “SAMSON” OF THE PROFESSION.—SIR -ASTLEY.—U. S. SURVEYOR-GENERAL HAMMOND.—HOMEOPATHIC QUACKS, ETC.—A MUDDLED DEFINITION.—“STOP THIEF!”—CRIPPLED FOR LIFE!—TWO -POUNDS CALOMEL.—VICTIMS.—WASHINGTON, JACKSON, HARRISON.—THE COUNTRY QUACK.—A TRUE AND LUDICROUS ANECDOTE.—DYEING TO DIE!—A -SCARED DOCTOR.—DROPSY!—A HASTY WEDDING!—A COUNTRY CONSULTATION.—“SCENES FROM WESTERN PRACTICE.”—“TWIST ROOT.”—A -JOLLY TRIO.—NEW “BUST” OF CUPID.—AN UNWILLING LISTENER.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_157">157</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#VII">VII.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">CHARLATANS AND IMPOSTORS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>DEFINITION.—ADVERTISING CHARLATANS.—CITY IMPOSTORS.—FALSE NAMES.—“ADVICE FREE.”—INTIMIDATIONS.—WHOLESALE -ROBBERY.—VISITING THEIR DENS IN DISGUISE.—PASSING THE CERBERUS.—WINDINGS.—INS AND OUTS.—THE IRISH PORTER.—QUEER “TWINS,” -AND A “TRIPLET” DOCTOR.—A HISTORY OF A KNAVE.—BOOT-BLACK AND BOTTLE-WASHER.—PERQUISITES.—PURCHASED DIPLOMAS.—“INSTITUTES.”—WHOLESALE -SLAUGHTER OF INFANTS.—FEMALE HARPIES.—A BOSTON HARPY.—WHERE OUR “LOST CHILDREN” GO.—END OF A WRETCH.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_180">180</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#VIII">VIII.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">ANECDOTES OF PHYSICIANS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>A WANT SUPPLIED.—ORIGINAL ANECDOTES OF ABERNETHY.—A LIVE IRISHMAN.—MADAM ROTHSCHILD.—LARGE FEET.—A SHANGHAI -ROOSTER.—SPREADING HERSELF.—KEROSENE.—“SALERATUS.”—HIS LAST JOKE.—AN ASTONISHED DARKY.—OLD DR. K.’S MARE.—A SCARED -CUSTOMER.—“WHAT’S TRUMPS?”—“LET GO THEM HALYARDS.”—MEDICAL TITBITS.—MORE MUSTARD THAN MEAT.—“I WANT TO BE AN -ANGEL.”—TOOTH-DRAWING.—DR. BEECHER VS. DR. HOLMES.—STEALING TIME.—CHOLERA FENCED IN.—“A JOKE THAT’S NOT A JOKE.”—A DRY -SHOWER-BATH.—PARBOILING AN OLD LADY.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_200">200</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#IX">IX.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">FORTUNE-TELLERS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>PAST AND PRESENT.—BIBLE ASTROLOGERS AND FORTUNE-TELLERS.—ARABIAN.—EASTERN.—ENGLISH.—QUEEN’S -FAVORITE.—LILLY.—A LUCKY GUESS.—THE GREAT LONDON FIRE FORETOLD.—HOW.—OUR “TIDAL WAVE” AND AGASSIZ.—A HALL OF -FORTUNE-TELLERS.—PRESENT.—VISIT EN MASSE.—“FILLIKY MILLIKY.”—“CHARGE BAYONETS!”—A FOWL PROCEEDING.—FINDING LOST -PROPERTY.—THE MAGIC MIRROR EXPOSÉ.—“ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE.”—PROCURESSES.—BOSTON MUSEUM.—“A NICE OLD GENTLEMAN.”—MONEY -DOES IT.—GREAT SUMS OF MONEY.—“LOVE POWDER” EXPOSÉ.—HASHEESH.—“DOES HE LOVE ME?”</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_227">227</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#X">X.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">EMINENT PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>THEIR ORIGIN, BOYHOOD, EARLY STRUGGLES, ETC.—DOCTORS ARE PUBLIC PROPERTY.—DR. MOTT, OF OYSTER BAY.—DR. PARKER.—A -“PLOUGH-BOY.”—THE FARMER’S BOY AND THE OLD DOCTOR.—SCENE IN BELLEVUE HOSPITAL.—“LEAVES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNFLEDGED ÆSCULAPIAN.”—FIRST -PATIENT.—“NONPLUSSED!”—ALL RIGHT AT LAST.—PROFESSORS EBERLE AND DEWEES.—A HARD START.—“FOOTING IT.”—ABERNETHY’S -BOYHOOD.—“OLD SQUEERS.”—SPARE THE BOY AND SPOIL THE ROD.—A DIGRESSION.—SKIRTING A BOG.—AN AGREEABLE TURN.—PROFESSOR -HOLMES.—A HOMELESS STUDENT.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_253">253</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XI">XI.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">GHOSTS AND WITCHES.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>FOLLY OF BELIEF IN GHOSTS.—WHY GHOSTS ARE ALWAYS WHITE.—A TRUE STORY.—THE GHOST OF THE CAMP.—A GHOSTLY SENTRY-BOX.—A -MYSTERY.—THE NAGLES FAMILY.—RAISING THE DEAD.—A LIVELY STAMPEDE.—HOLY WATER.—CÆSAR’S GHOST AT PHILIPPI.—LORD BYRON AND DR. -JOHNSON.—GHOST OF A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.—“JOCKEYING A GHOST.”—THE <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>WOUNDED -BIRD.—A BISHOP SEES A GHOST.—MUSICAL GHOSTS.—A HAUNTED HOUSE.—ABOUT WITCHES.—“WITCHES IN THE CREAM.”—HORSE-SHOES.—WOMAN -OF ENDOR NOT A WITCH.—WEIGHING FLESH AGAINST THE BIBLE.—THERE ARE NO GHOSTS, OR WITCHES.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_278">278</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XII">XII.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">MEDICAL SUPERSTITIONS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>OLD AND NEW.—THE SIGN OF JUPITER.—MODERN IDOLATRY.—ORIGIN OF THE DAYS OF THE WEEK.—HOW WE PERPETUATE IDOLATRY.—SINGULAR -FACT.—CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES.—“OLD NICK.”—RIDICULOUS SUPERSTITIONS.—GOLDEN HERB.—HOUSE CRICKETS.—A STOOL WALKS.—THE BOWING -IMAGES AT RHODE ISLAND.—HOUSE SPIDERS.—THE HOUSE CAT.—SUPERSTITIOUS IDOLATRIES.—WONDERFUL KNOWLEDGE.—NAUGHTY BOYS.—ERRORS -RESPECTING CATS.—SANITARY QUALITIES.—OWLS.—A SCARED BOY.—HOLY WATER.—UNLUCKY DAYS.—THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.—A KISS.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_307">307</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XIII">XIII.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">TRAVELLING DOCTORS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>PUBLIC CONFIDENCE(?).—THE EYE OF THE PUBLIC.—A BAD SPECIMEN.—“REMARKABLE TUMOR.”—“THE SINGING DOCTOR.”—CAUGHT IN A -STORM.—BIG PUFFING.—A SPLENDID “TURNOUT.”—WHO WAS HE?—A SUDDEN DISAPPEARANCE.—THE “SPANKING DOCTOR.”—A FAIR VICTIM.—LOOSE -LAWS.—DR. PULSEFEEL.—IMPUDENCE.—A FIDDLING DOCTOR.—AN ENCORE.—“CHEEK.”—VARIOUS WAYS OF ADVERTISING.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_341">341</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XIV">XIV.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">SCENES FROM EVERY-DAY PRACTICE.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>THE BEGGAR BOY AND THE GOLDEN-HAIRED HEIRESS.—MY MIDNIGHT CALL.—THE CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN MOTHER.—“OLD SEROSITY.”—THE ILLEGITIMATE -CHILD.—DEATH OF THE BEAUTIFUL.—WHO IS THE HEIR?—A TOUCHING SCENE.—FATE OF THE “BEGGAR BOY.”—THE TERRIBLE CALLER.—AN IRISH SCENE, -FROM DR. DIXON’S BOOK.—BIDDY ON A RAMPAGE.—TERRY ON HIS DEATH BED.—THE STOMACH PUMP.—BIDDY WON’T, AND SHE WILL.—THE BETRAYED AND HER -BETRAYER.—“IS THERE A GOD IN ISRAEL?”—THE HUSBANDLESS MOTHER.—THE CRISIS AND COURT.—ANSWER.—THERE IS A “GOD IN ISRAEL.”</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_362">362</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XV">XV.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">DOCTORS’ FEES AND INCOMES.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>ANCIENT FEES.—LARGE FEES.—SPANISH PRIEST-DOCTORS.—A PIG ON PENANCE.—SMALL FEES.—A “CHOP” POSTPONED.—LONG -FEES.—SHORT FEES.—OLD FEES.—A NIGHT-CAP.—AN OLD SHOE FOR LUCK.—A BLACK FEE.—“HEART’S OFFERING.”—A STUFFED CAT.—THE -“GREAT GUNS” OF NEW YORK.—BOSTON.—ROTTEN EGGS.—“CATCH WHAT YOU CAN.”—FEMALE DOCTORS’ FEES.—ABOVE PRICE.—“ASK FOR A -FEE.”—“PITCH HIM OVERBOARD.”—DELICATE FEES.—MAKING THE MOST OF THEM.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_386">386</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XVI">XVI.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">GENEROSITY AND MEANNESS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>THE WORLD UNMASKED.—A ROUGH DIAMOND.—DECAYED GENTILITY.—“THREE FLIGHT, BACK.”—SEVERAL ANECDOTES.—THE OLD -FOX-HUNTER.—“STAND ON YOUR HEAD.”—KINDNESS TO CLERGYMEN.—RARE CHARITY.—OLD AND HOMELESS.—THE “O’CLO’” JEW.—DR. HUNTER’S -GENEROSITY.—“WHAT’S THE PRICE OF BEEF?”—A SAD OMISSION.—INNATE GENEROSITY.—A CURB-STONE MONEY-MANIAC.—AN EYE-OPENER.—AN -AVARICIOUS DOCTOR.—ROBBING THE DEAD.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_410">410</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XVII">XVII.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">LOVE AND LOVERS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>XANTIPPE, BEFORE JEALOUSY.—A FIRST LOVE.—BLASTED HOPES.—A DOCTOR’S STORY.—THE FLIGHT FROM “THE HOUNDS OF THE LAW.”—THE -EXILE AND RETURN.—DISGUISED AS A PEDDLER.—ESCAPES WITH HIS LOVE.—ENGLISH BEAUS.—YOUNG COQUETTES.—A GAY AND DANGEROUS BEAU.—HANDSOME -BEAUS.—LEAP YEAR.—AN OLD BEAU.—BEAUTY NOT ALL-POTENT.—OFFENDED ROYALTY.—YOUTH AND AGE.—A STABLE BOY.—POET-DOCTOR.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_438">438</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XVIII">XVIII.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">MIND AND MATTER.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>IN WHICH ANIMAL MAGNETISM, MESMERISM, AND CLAIRVOYANCE ARE EXPLAINED.—“THE IGNORANT MONOPOLY.”—YET ROOM FOR DISCOVERIES.—A “GASSY” -SUBJECT.—DRS. CHAPIN AND BEECHER.—HE “CAN’T SEE IT.”—THE ROYAL TOUCH.—GASSNER.—“THE DEVIL KNOWS LATIN.”—ROYALTY IN THE -SHADE.—THE IRISH PROPHET; HE VISITS LONDON.—A COMICAL CROWD.—MESMERISM.—A FUNNY BED-FELLOW.—CLAIRVOYANCE.—THE GATES OF -MOSCOW.—THE DOCTOR OF ANTWERP.—THE OLD LADY IN THE POKE-BONNET.—VISIT TO A CLAIRVOYANT.—“FORETELLING” THE PAST.—THE OLD WOMAN OF THE -PENOBSCOT MOUNTAINS.—A SECRET KEPT.—CUI BONO?—VISITS TO SEVENTEEN CLAIRVOYANTS.—A BON-TON CLAIRVOYANT.—A BOUNCER.—RIDICULOSITY.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_461">461</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XIX">XIX.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">ECCENTRICITIES.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>A ONE-EYED DOCTOR AND HIS HORSE.—A NEW EDIBLE.—“HAVE THEM BOILED.”—“BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.”—A LOVELY STAMPEDE.—AN ECCENTRIC -PHILADELPHIAN.—THE POODLES, DRS. HUNTER AND SCIPIO.—SILENT ELOQUENCE.—CONSISTENT TO THE END.—WHEN DOCTORS DISAGREE.—FOUR BLIND -MEN.—DIET AND SLEEP.—SAXE AND SANCHO PANZA.—MOTHER GOOSE AS A DOCTOR’S BOOK.—THE TABLES TURNED ON THE DOCTORS.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_495">495</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XX">XX.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">PRESCRIPTIONS REMARKABLE AND RIDICULOUS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>FIG PASTE AND FIG LEAVES.—SOME OF THOSE OLD FELLOWS.—THEY SLIGHTLY DISAGREE.—HOW TO KEEP CLEAN.—BAXTER VS. THE DOCTOR.—A CURE -FOR “RHEUMATIZ.”—OLD ENGLISH DOSES.—CURE FOR BLUES.—FOR HYSTERIA.—HEROIC DOSES.—DROWNING A FEVER.—AN EXACT SCIENCE.—SULPHUR -AND MOLASSES.—A USE FOR POOR IRISH.—MINERAL SPRINGS.—COLD DRINKS VS. WARM.—THE OLD LADY AND THE AIR-PUMP.—SAVED BY -HER BUSTLE.—COUNTRY PRESCRIPTIONS AND A FUNNY MISTAKE.—ARE YOU DRUNK OR SOBER?</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_517">517</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXI">XXI.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">SCENES FROM HOSPITAL AND CAMP.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>“HE FOUGHT MIT SIEGEL.”—A HOSPITAL SCENE AT NIGHT.—ADMINISTERING ANGELS.—“WATER! WATER!”—THE SOLDIER-BOY’S DYING MESSAGE.—THE -WELL-WORN BIBLE.—WARM HEARTS IN FROZEN BODIES.—“PUDDING AND MILK.”—THE POETICAL AND AMUSING SIDE.—“TO AMELIA.”—MY LOVE AND I.—A -SCRIPTURAL CONUNDRUM.—MARRYING A REGIMENT.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_538">538</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXII">XXII.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">GLUTTONS AND WINE-BIBBERS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>GOOD CHEER AND A CHEERFUL HEART.—A MODERN SILENUS.—A SAD WRECK.—DELIRIUM TREMENS.—FATAL ERRORS.—“EATING LIKE A -GLUTTON.”—STRENGTH IN WEAKNESS.—A HOT PLACE, EVEN FOR A COOK.—A HUNGRY DOCTOR.—THE MODERN GILPIN.—A CHANGE! A SOW FOR A -HORSE!—A DUCK POND.—THE FORLORN WIDOW.—A SCIENTIFIC GORMAND.—ANOTHER.—“DOORN’T GO TO ’IM,” ETC.—DR. BUTLER’S BEER AND -BATH.—CASTS HIS LAST VOTE.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_550">550</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXIII">XXIII.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">THE DOCTOR AS POET, AUTHOR, AND MUSICIAN.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>OUR PATRON, OUR PATTERN.—SOME WRITERS.—SOME BLUNDERS.—AN OLD SMOKER.—OLD GREEKS.—A DUKE ANSWERED BY A COUNTRY MISS.—THE -PILGRIMS AND THE PEAS.—“LITTLE DAISY.”—“CASA WAPPA!”—FINE POETRY.—MORE SCHOOLMASTERS AND TAILORS.—NAPOLEON’S AND WASHINGTON’S -PHYSICIANS.—A FRENCH “BUTCHER.”—A DIF. OF OPINION.—SOME EPITAPHS.—DR. HOLMES’ “ONE-HOSS SHAY.”—HEALTHFUL INFLUENCE OF MUSIC.—SAVED -BY MUSIC.—A GERMAN TOUCH-UP.—MUSIC ON ANIMALS.—“MUSIC AMONG THE MICE.”—MUSIC AND HEALTH.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_571">571</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXIV">XXIV.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">ADULTERATIONS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>BREAD, BUTTER, AND THE BIBLE.—“JACK ASHORE.”—BUCKWHEAT CAKES ARE<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> -GOOD.—WHAT’S IN THE BREAD, AND HOW TO DETECT IT.—BUTTER.—HOW TO TELL GOOD AND BAD.—MILK.—ANALYSIS OF GOOD AND “SWILL MILK.”—WHAT’S -IN THE MILK BESIDES MICE?—THE COW WITH ONE TEAT.—“LOUD” CHEESE.—TEA AND COFFEE.—TANNIN, SAWDUST, AND HORSES’ LIVERS.—ALCOHOLIC -DRINKS.—CHURCH WINE AND BREAD.—BEER AND BITTER HERBS.—SPANISH FLIES AND STRYCHNINE.—“NINE MEN STANDIN’ AT THE DOOR.”—BURTON’S ALE; AN -ASTONISHING FACT.—FISHY.—“FISH ON A SPREE.”—TO REMEDY IMPURE WATER.—CHARCOAL AND THE BISHOP.—HOG-ISH.—PORK AND -SCROFULA.—NOTICES OF THE PRESS.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_599">599</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXV">XXV.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">ALL ABOUT TOBACCO.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>“HOW MUCH?”—AMOUNT IN THE WORLD.—“SIAMESE TWINS.”—A MIGHTY ARMY.—ITS NAME AND NATIVITY.—A DONKEY RIDE.—LITTLE -BREECHES.—WHIPPING SCHOOL GIRLS AND BOYS TO MAKE THEM SMOKE.—TOM’S LETTER.—“PURE SOCIETY.”—HOW A YOUNG MAN WAS “TOOK IN.”—DELICIOUS -MORSELS.—THE STREET NUISANCE.—A SQUIRTER.—ANOTHER.—IT BEGETS LAZINESS.—NATIONAL RUIN.—BLACK EYES.—DISEASE AND INSANITY.—USES -OF THE WEED.—GETS RID OF SUPERFLUOUS POPULATION.—TOBACCO WORSE THAN RUM.—THE OLD FARMER’S DOG AND THE WOODCHUCK.—“WHAT KILLED HIM.”</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_633">633</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXVI">XXVI.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">DRESS AND ADDRESS OF PHYSICIANS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>GOSSIP IS INTERESTING.—COMPARATIVE SIGNS OF GREATNESS.—THE GREAT SURGEONS OF THE WORLD.—ADDRESS NECESSARY.—“THIS IS A -BONE.”—DRESS NOT NECESSARY.—COUNTRY DOCTORS’ DRESS.—HOW THE DEACON SWEARS.—A GOOD MANY SHIRTS.—ONLY WASHED WHEN FOUND DRUNK.—LITTLE -TOMMY MISTAKEN FOR A GREEN CABBAGE BY THE COW.—AN INSULTED LADY.—DOCTORS’ WIGS.—“AIN’T SHE LOVELY?”—HARVEY AND HIS HABITS.—THE -DOCTOR AND THE VALET.—A BIG WIG.—BEN FRANKLIN.—JENNER’S DRESS.—AN ANIMATED WIG; A LAUGHABLE STORY.—A CHARACTER.—“DOSH, DOSH.”</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_659">659</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXVII">XXVII.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">MEDICAL FACTS AND STATISTICS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>HOW MANY.—WHO THEY ARE.—HOW THEY DIE.—HOW MUCH RUM THEY CONSUME.—HOW THEY LIVE.—OLD AGE.—WHY WE DIE.—GET -MARRIED.—OLD PEOPLE’S WEDDING.—A GOOD ONE.—THE ORIGIN OF THE HONEYMOON.—A SWEET OBLIVION.—HOLD YOUR TONGUE!—MANY MEN, MANY -MINDS.—“ALLOPATHY.”—LOTS OF DOCTORS.—THE ITCH MITE.—A HORSE-CAR RIDE.—KEEP COOL!—KNICKKNACKS.—HUMBLE PIE.—INCREASE -OF INSANITY.—A COOL STUDENT.—HOW TO GET RID OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_680">680</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXVIII">XXVIII.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">BLEEDERS AND BUTCHERS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>BLEEDING IN 1872.—EARLIEST BLOOD-LETTERS.—A ROYAL SURGEON.—A DRAWING JOKE.—THE PRETTY COQUETTE.—TINKERS -AS BLEEDERS.—WHOLESALE BUTCHERY.—THE BARBERS OF SOUTH AMERICA.—OUR FOREFATHERS BLEED.—A FRENCH BUTCHER.—CUR?—ABERNETHY -OPPOSES BLOOD-LETTING.—THE MISFORTUNES OF A BARBER-SURGEON (THREE SCENES FROM DOUGLASS JERROLD); JOB PIPPINS AND THE WAGONER; JOB AND THE HIGHWAYMEN; -JOB NAKED AND JOB DRESSED.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_695">695</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXIX">XXIX.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">THE OMNIUM GATHERUM.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>EX-SELL-SIR!—“THE OBJECT TO BE ATTAINED.”—A NOTORIOUS FEMALE DOCTOR.—A WHITE BLACK MAN.—SQUASHY.—MOTHER’S FOOL.—WHO -IT WAS.—THE PHILOSOPHER AND HIS DAUGHTER.—EDUCATION AND GIBBERISH.—SCOTTISH HOSPITALITY.—THE OLD LADY WITH AN ANIMAL IN HER -STOMACH.—STORIES ABOUT LITTLE FOLKS.—THE BOY WITH A BULLET IN HIM.—CASE OF SMALL-POX.—NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT.—FUNERAL ANTHEMS.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_711">709</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXX">XXX.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">THE OTHER SIDE.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE.—STEALING FROM THE PROFESSION.—ANECDOTE OF RUFUS CHOATE.—INGRATES.—A NIGHT ROW.—“SAVING AT -THE SPIGOT AND WASTING AT THE BUNG.”—SHOPPING PATIENTS.—AN AFFECTIONATE WIFE.—RUM AND TOBACCO PATIENTS.—THE PHYSICIAN’S WIDOW AND ORPHAN, -THE SUMMONS, THE TENEMENT, THE INVALIDS, HOW THEY LIVED, HER HISTORY, THE UNNATURAL FATHER, HOW THEY DIED, THE END.—A PETER-FUNK DOCTOR.—SELLING OUT.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_727">727</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXXI">XXXI.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">“THIS IS FOR YOUR HEALTH.”</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>THE INESTIMABLE VALUE OF HEALTH.—NO BLESSING IN COMPARISON.—MEN AND SWINE.—BEGIN WITH THE INFANT.—“BABY ON THE PORCH.”—IN A -STRAIT JACKET.—“TWO LITTLE SHOES.”—YOUTH.—IMPURE LITERATURE AND PASSIONS.—“OUR GIRLS.”—BARE ARMS AND BUSTS.—HOW AND WHAT WE -BREATHE.—“THE FREEDOM OF THE STREET.”—KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND MOUTH CLOSED.—THE LUNGS AND BREATHING.—A MAN FULL OF HOLES.—SEVEN MILLION -MOUTHS TO FEED.—PURE WATER.—CLEANLINESS. SOAP VS. WRINKLES.—GOD’S SUNSHINE.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_748">748</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXXII">XXXII.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">HEALTH WITHOUT MEDICINE.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>CHEERFULNESS.—GOOD ADVICE.—REV. FRANCIS J. COLLIER ON CHRISTIAN CHEERFULNESS.—WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT IT.—WHINING.—LOVE AND -HEALTH.—AFFECTION AND PERFECTION.—SEPARATING THE SHEEP AND GOATS.—THE FENCES UP AND FENCES DOWN.—SIXTEEN AND SIXTY.—ACTION AND -IDLENESS.—IDLENESS AND CRIME.—BEAUTY AND DEVELOPMENT.—SLEEP.—DAY AND NIGHT.—“WHAT SHALL WE EAT?”—A STOMACH-MILL AND A -STEWING-PAN.—“FIVE MINUTES FOR REFRESHMENTS.”—ANCIENT DIET.—COOKS IN A “STEW.”—THE GREEN-GROCERIES OF THE CLASSICS.—CABBAGES -AND ARTICHOKES.—ANIMAL AND VEGETABLE DIET.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_769">769</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXXIII">XXXIII.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">CONSUMPTION.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>CONSUMPTION A MONSTER!—UNIVERSAL REIGN.—SIGNS OF HIS APPROACH.—WARNINGS.—BAD POSITIONS.—SCHOOL-HOUSES.—ENGLISH -THEORY.—PREVENTIVES.—AIR AND SUNSHINE.—SCROFULA.—A JOLLY FAT GRANDMOTHER.—“WASP WAISTS.”—CHANGE OF CLIMATE.—“TOO -LATE!”—WHAT TO AVOID.—HUMBUGS.—COD LIVER OIL.—STRYCHNINE WHISKEY.—A MATTER-OF-FACT PATIENT.—SWALLOWING A PRESCRIPTION.—SIT -AND LIE STRAIGHT.—FEATHERS OR CURLED HAIR.—A YANKEE DISEASE.—CATARRH AND COLD FEET, HOW TO REMEDY.—“GIVE US SOME SNUFF, DOCTOR.”—OTHER -THINGS TO AVOID.—A TENDER POINT.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_790">790</a></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><a href="#XXXIV">XXXIV.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">ACCIDENTS.</td></tr> -<tr><td><small>RULES FOR MACHINISTS, MECHANICS, RAILROAD MEN, ETC., IN CASES OF ACCIDENT.—HOW TO FIND AN ARTERY AND STOP THE BLEEDING.—DROWNING; TO -RESTORE.—SUN-STROKE.—AVOID ICE.—“ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN.”—WHAT TO HAVE IN THE HOUSE.—BRUISES.—BURNS.—DO THE BEST YOU -CAN AND TRUST GOD FOR THE REST.</small></td> - <td valign="bottom" align="right"><a href="#Page_811">811</a></td></tr></table> - - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> -<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS.</h2> - - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td align="right">1.</td> - <td><small>A. D. CRABTRE, M. D.,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#frontis">Frontispiece.</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">2.</td> - <td><small>DR. ANGLICUS PONTO,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_31">31</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">3.</td> - <td><small>MISFORTUNES NEVER COME SINGLY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_33">33</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">4.</td> - <td><small>THE MISER OUTWITS HIMSELF,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_38">38</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">5.</td> - <td><small>COMMENCING A PRACTICE IN NEW YORK,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_45">47</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">6.</td> - <td><small>GRACE BEFORE MEAT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_47">48</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">7.</td> - <td><small>OLD PILGARLIC TAKES A BATH,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_53">55</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">8.</td> - <td><small>PROFESSOR BREWSTER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_55">55</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">9.</td> - <td><small>AN INFANTRY CHARGE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_60">60</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">10.</td> - <td><small>THE “FREE PASS” PRESCRIPTION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_69">69</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">11.</td> - <td><small>THE WRONG PATIENT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_71">71</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">12.</td> - <td><small>A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_75">77</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">13.</td> - <td><small>UNDER FULL SAIL,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_77">77</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">14.</td> - <td><small>“IT’S ALL A HUMBUG,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_82">82</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">15.</td> - <td><small>“BAREFOOTED ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_93">93</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">16.</td> - <td><small>OLD “SANDS OF LIFE,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_96">96</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">17.</td> - <td><small>REFRESHMENTS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_98">98</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">18.</td> - <td><small>THE EYE DOCTOR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_103">103</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">19.</td> - <td><small>THE YOUNG SURGEON’S FIRST EXPERIENCE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_105">105</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">20.</td> - <td><small>HEALING THE SICK WITH A GOLDEN DOSE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_109">111</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">21.</td> - <td><small>THE PARSON BUYING OFF THE “CONGREGATION,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_120">120</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">22.</td> - <td><small>A JUVENILE BACCHUS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_122">122</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">23.</td> - <td><small>“DON’T YOU OBSERVE THE ARMS OF MRS. MAPP?”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_128">128</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">24.</td> - <td><small>THREE WISE STUDENTS CONSULTING A DOCTRESS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_134">134</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">25.</td> - <td><small>“POH! YOU’RE A GIRL,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_141">141</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">26.</td> - <td><small>“HERE WE GO UP-UP-UPPY,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_148">148</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">27.</td> - <td><small>“LOVE AMONG THE ROSES,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_156">156</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">28.</td> - <td><small>THE INQUISITIVE COUNTRYMEN,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_159">161</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">29.</td> - <td><small>CURIOUS EFFECTS OF A FEVER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_171">171</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">30.</td> - <td><small>MARRYING A FAMILY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_172">173</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">31.</td> - <td><small>’OPATHISTS IN CONSULTATION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_175">175</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">32.</td> - <td><small>A “HYPO” PATIENT DISCHARGING HIS PHYSICIAN,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_178">178</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">33.</td> - <td><small>TOO MUCH HAT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_179">179</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">34.</td> - <td><small>CONVINCING EVIDENCE OF INSOLVENCY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_181">181</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">35.</td> - <td><small>“AN’ WHO’LL YEZE LIKE TO SEE, SURE?”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_183">183</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">36.</td> - <td><small>A BOSTON QUACK EXAMINING A STUDENT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_189">189</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">37.</td> - <td><small>ORNAMENTAL TAIL-PIECE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_199">199</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">38.</td> - <td><small>DR. ABERNETHY IN THE HOSPITAL,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_202">202</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">39.</td> - <td><small>AN EXTENSIVE SET,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_205">205</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">40.</td> - <td><small>“O, DOCTHER, DEAR, I’VE PIZENED ME BOY,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_207">207</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">41.</td> - <td><small>“LOST MARSER! LOST MARSER!”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_209">209</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">42.</td> - <td><small>NOT A STOMACH PUMP,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_213">213</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">43.</td> - <td><small>“LOWER TIER, LARBOARD SIDE,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_217">217</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">44.</td> - <td><small>THE FARMER’S ESCAPE FROM THE CHOLERA,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_221">223</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">45.</td> - <td><small>TOO MUCH VAPOR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_224">224</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">46.</td> - <td><small>A DRY SHOWER BATH,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_225">225</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>47.</td> - <td><small>GRAPES AND WINE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_226">226</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">48.</td> - <td><small>CHARGE, INFANTRY!</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_239">239</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">49.</td> - <td><small>AFTER THE BATTLE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_240">240</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">50.</td> - <td><small>THE FORTUNE-TELLER’S MAGIC MIRROR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_244">244</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">51.</td> - <td><small>CHILDREN CONSULTING A FORTUNE-TELLER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_251">251</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">52.</td> - <td><small>THE HUNTRESS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_252">252</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">53.</td> - <td><small>THE ONONDAGA FARMER BOY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_256">256</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">54.</td> - <td><small>THE POLITE QUADRUPED,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_265">265</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">55.</td> - <td><small>YOUNG ABERNETHY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_266">266</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">56.</td> - <td><small>“PINNY, SIR? JUST ONE PINNY,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_274">274</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">57.</td> - <td><small>THE PENNILESS PHYSICIAN,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_276">276</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">58.</td> - <td><small>THE INDIAN WARRIOR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_277">277</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">59.</td> - <td><small>BELIEVERS IN GHOSTS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_278">278</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">60.</td> - <td><small>“HARK! THERE’S A FEARFUL GUST!”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_280">280</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">61.</td> - <td><small>A GRAVE SENTRY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_282">282</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">62.</td> - <td><small>A GHOST IN CAMP,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_283">285</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">63.</td> - <td><small>OLD NAGLES,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_286">286</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">64.</td> - <td><small>THE NAGLES BOYS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_287">287</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">65.</td> - <td><small>CHIEF MOURNERS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_288">288</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">66.</td> - <td><small>THE CORPSE THAT WOULD NOT SMOKE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_290">290</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">67.</td> - <td><small>PREPARE TO DIE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_293">293</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">68.</td> - <td><small>THE BISHOP’S GHOSTLY VISITOR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_295">295</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">69.</td> - <td><small>THE MUSICAL PUSS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_300">301</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">70.</td> - <td><small>A DARKEY BEWITCHED,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_300">301</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">71.</td> - <td><small>BOYLSTON STATION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_303">303</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">72.</td> - <td><small>WEIGHING A WITCH BY BIBLE STANDARD,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_305">305</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">73.</td> - <td><small>PASSING THE FORT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_306">306</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">74.</td> - <td><small>THE GOD OF RECIPES,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_308">308</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">75.</td> - <td><small>SUN-SUNDAY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_310">310</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">76.</td> - <td><small>MOON-MONDAY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_313">313</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">77.</td> - <td><small>TUISCO-TUESDAY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_313">313</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">78.</td> - <td><small>WODEN-WEDNESDAY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_314">314</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">79.</td> - <td><small>THOR-THURSDAY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_315">315</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">80.</td> - <td><small>FRIGA-FRIDAY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_315">315</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">81.</td> - <td><small>SEATER-SATURDAY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_316">316</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">82.</td> - <td><small>GATHERING THE MANDRAKE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_321">321</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">83.</td> - <td><small>“WAITING TO SEE THE IMAGES BOW,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_323">323</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">84.</td> - <td><small>SPORT FOR THE BOYS BUT DEATH TO THE CAT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_329">329</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">85.</td> - <td><small>“WHO-A’-YOO?”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_333">333</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">86.</td> - <td><small>THE PROPER USE OF “HOLY WATER,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_334">334</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">87.</td> - <td><small>THE MODEST KISS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_339">339</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">88.</td> - <td><small>HOLDING THE PLOW,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_340">340</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">89.</td> - <td><small>THE TUMOR DOCTOR CONTEMPLATES SUICIDE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_343">343</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">90.</td> - <td><small>MARIAM, THE TUMOR DOCTOR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_345">345</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">91.</td> - <td><small>THE SINGING DOCTOR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_349">349</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">92.</td> - <td><small>THE SANATORIAN’S TURNOUT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_351">351</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">93.</td> - <td><small>A NEW SCHOOL OF PRACTICE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_354">354</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">94.</td> - <td><small>A VICTIM OF THE SPANKER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_355">355</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">95.</td> - <td><small>DR. PULSFEEL LEAVING TOWN,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_356">356</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">96.</td> - <td><small>THE MUSICAL DOCTOR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_358">358</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">97.</td> - <td><small>ENTHUSIASM,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_359">359</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">98.</td> - <td><small>ALL WOOL,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_361">361</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">99.</td> - <td><small>CHARITY THROWN AWAY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_363">363</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">100.</td> - <td><small>THE BEGGAR BOY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_366">366</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">101.</td> - <td><small>REMORSE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_368">368</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">102.</td> - <td><small>THE LOST HEIR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_373">373</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>103.</td> - <td><small>A MORNING CALLER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_375">375</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">104.</td> - <td><small>“WHY DID I TAZE YE?”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_376">376</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">105.</td> - <td><small>SUCCESS OF TERRY’S COURTSHIP,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_379">379</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">106.</td> - <td><small>THE BETRAYED,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_382">382</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">107.</td> - <td><small>SAILING INTO PORT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_385">385</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">108.</td> - <td><small>A SAN BENITO PIG,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_388">388</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">109.</td> - <td><small>AN OLD ENGLISH CLERGYMAN AND HIS FAMILY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_390">390</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">110.</td> - <td><small>THE KING’S PHYSICIAN AND THE EXECUTIONER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_391">393</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">111.</td> - <td><small>A SLIPPER-Y FEE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_397">397</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">112.</td> - <td><small>A LIVING FEE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_400">399</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">113.</td> - <td><small>STUFFED PETS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_401">400</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">114.</td> - <td><small>A PIONEER OF HOMŒOPATHY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_403">403</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">115.</td> - <td><small>A SHARP MULE TRADE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_405">405</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">116.</td> - <td><small>ORNAMENTAL TAIL-PIECE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_409">409</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">117.</td> - <td><small>PHYSICIAN’S CHARITY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_411">411</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">118.</td> - <td><small>SEARCH FOR A PATIENT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_412">412</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">119.</td> - <td><small>AN ECCENTRIC PATIENT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_415">417</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">120.</td> - <td><small>A WOMAN’S REBUKE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_416">417</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">121.</td> - <td><small>AFRAID OF A POLYPUS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_418">418</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">122.</td> - <td><small>ABERNETHY’S SURGICAL OPERATION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_420">420</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">123.</td> - <td><small>RECKONING A DOCTOR’S FEES,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_424">424</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">124.</td> - <td><small>PATIENT NUMBER FIVE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_425">425</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">125.</td> - <td><small>THE ASTONISHED BUTCHER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_427">427</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">126.</td> - <td><small>MODERN IMPROVEMENTS IN DENTISTRY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_429">431</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">127.</td> - <td><small>CHARITY NOT SOLICITED,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_430">431</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">128.</td> - <td><small>CAPTURE OF A WALL STREET BULL,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_433">433</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">129.</td> - <td><small>DEATH’S FEE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_436">436</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">130.</td> - <td><small>THE AMERICAN SAILOR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_437">437</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">131.</td> - <td><small>MY FIRST LOVE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_439">439</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">132.</td> - <td><small>TEN YEARS LATER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_441">441</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">133.</td> - <td><small>FLIGHT OF THE DOCTOR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_444">443</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">134.</td> - <td><small>THE LOVER AS A PEDDLER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_445">447</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">135.</td> - <td><small>FLIGHT OF THE LOVERS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_445">447</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">136.</td> - <td><small>AN AGED PUPIL,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_453">453</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">137.</td> - <td><small>BIRTHPLACE OF GEORGE CRABBE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_457">457</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">138.</td> - <td><small>“POPPING THE QUESTION,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_460">460</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">139.</td> - <td><small>LOVE’S LINKS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_460">460</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">140.</td> - <td><small>THE LION MAGNETIZED,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_466">466</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">141.</td> - <td><small>A HARD SUBJECT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_467">467</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">142.</td> - <td><small>GASSNER HEALING “BY THE GRACE OF GOD,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_469">471</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">143.</td> - <td><small>NO LACK OF PATIENTS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_475">475</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">144.</td> - <td><small>“A BOTTLE, A HEN, OR A WOMAN,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_477">477</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">145.</td> - <td><small>EFFECTS OF AN EARTHQUAKE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_481">483</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">146.</td> - <td><small>A BELIEVER SEES HIS GRANDMOTHER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_481">483</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">147.</td> - <td><small>THE CHARMER DIVULGES HER SECRET,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_488">488</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">148.</td> - <td><small>“I PERCEIVE YOU ARE IN LOVE,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_492">492</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">149.</td> - <td><small>THE FARMER’S DAUGHTERS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_494">494</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">150.</td> - <td><small>A “HORSE-SLAYER” INDULGING HIS OPINION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_497">499</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">151.</td> - <td><small>NO TIME TO LOSE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_500">500</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">152.</td> - <td><small>BEAUTY AND THE BEAST,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_501">503</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">153.</td> - <td><small>DR. HUNTER IN CONSULTATION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_504">504</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">154.</td> - <td><small>THE RUSSIAN GENERAL’S DRILL,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_506">506</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">155.</td> - <td><small>WHAT THE ELEPHANT IS LIKE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_509">511</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">156.</td> - <td><small>A DOCTOR’S SOLACE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_509">511</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">157.</td> - <td><small>HOW A LADY PROCURED A VALUABLE PRESCRIPTION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_523">525</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">158.</td> - <td><small>DOSE—ONE QUART EVERY HOUR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_526">526</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span>159.</td> - <td><small>PUMPING AN OLD LADY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_535">537</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">160.</td> - <td><small>A DANGEROUS PRESCRIPTION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_535">537</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">161.</td> - <td><small>THE FARMER’S EMBLEMS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_537">537</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">162.</td> - <td><small>THE DYING MESSAGE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_541">541</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">163.</td> - <td><small>STUCK!</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_547">547</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">164.</td> - <td><small>COMMERCE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_549">549</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">165.</td> - <td><small>A GOOD LIVER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_551">551</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">166.</td> - <td><small>A DOCTOR “KILLING THE DEVILS,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_553">555</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">167.</td> - <td><small>PAYING FOR HIS WINE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_553">555</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">168.</td> - <td><small>A BAR-ROOM DOCTOR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_555">555</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">169.</td> - <td><small>“THE DOCTOR ON A SOW!”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_563">565</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">170.</td> - <td><small>RESCUE OF THE DOCTOR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_563">565</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">171.</td> - <td><small>“ONLY IRISH BEER,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_568">568</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">172.</td> - <td><small>CURE FOR THE AGUE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_569">569</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">173.</td> - <td><small>PLAYING THE REEDS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_570">570</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">174.</td> - <td><small>AN EMBRYO APOLLO,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_572">572</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">175.</td> - <td><small>THE PILGRIM CHEAT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_578">577</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">176.</td> - <td><small>FRANKLIN’S EXPERIMENTS WITH ETHER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_583">585</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">177.</td> - <td><small>END OF THE WONDERFUL ONE-HOSS SHAY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_590">591</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">178.</td> - <td><small>“MUSIC, THE SOUL OF LIFE,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_595">597</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">179.</td> - <td><small>THE MUSICAL MICE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_595">597</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">180.</td> - <td><small>FOUNTAIN,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_598">598</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">181.</td> - <td><small>SIGNS OF CIVILIZATION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_601">603</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">182.</td> - <td><small>SWILL MILK (MAGNIFIED),</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_605">605</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">183.</td> - <td><small>PURE MILK (MAGNIFIED),</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_606">606</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">184.</td> - <td><small>WATERED MILK (MAGNIFIED),</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_606">606</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">185.</td> - <td><small>“WHAT’S IN THE MILK?”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_606">606</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">186.</td> - <td><small>A CHAMPAGNE BATH,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_611">611</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">187.</td> - <td><small>MOTHER’S MILK—PURE AND HEALTHY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_612">612</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">188.</td> - <td><small>MOTHER’S MILK AFTER DRINKING WHISKY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_612">612</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">189.</td> - <td><small>WAITING FOR ASSISTANCE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_617">617</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">190.</td> - <td><small>A CONFECTIONERY STORE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_619">619</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">191.</td> - <td><small>TARTARIC ACID FOR SUPPER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_627">629</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">192.</td> - <td><small>A STREET CANDY STAND,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_627">629</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">193.</td> - <td><small>THE NEWSBOY’S MOTHER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_631">630</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">194.</td> - <td><small>THE IDOL OF TOBACCO USERS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_634">634</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">195.</td> - <td><small>PUNISHMENT OF THE TURK,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_638">638</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">196.</td> - <td><small>SMOKERS OF FOUR GENERATIONS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_639">639</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">197.</td> - <td><small>“I WANT A CHAW OF TERBACKER,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_641">641</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">198.</td> - <td><small>YOUNG SMOKERS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_642">642</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">199.</td> - <td><small>EXAMINATION OF THE SMOKER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_643">643</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">200.</td> - <td><small>PURIFYING HIS BLOOD,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_644">644</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">201.</td> - <td><small>CLEANSING HIS BONES,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_645">645</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">202.</td> - <td><small>THE SMOKER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_647">647</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">203.</td> - <td><small>THE CHEWER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_648">648</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">204.</td> - <td><small>SIGN OF THE TIMES,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_649">648</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">205.</td> - <td><small>MY LAZY SMOKING FRIEND,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_650">650</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">206.</td> - <td><small>“SHALL I ASSIST YOU TO ALIGHT?”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_651">653</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">207.</td> - <td><small>WORK FOR TONGUES AND FINGERS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_651">653</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">208.</td> - <td><small>WHAT KILLED THE DOG?</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_657">657</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">209.</td> - <td><small>THE NEWSBOY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_658">658</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">210.</td> - <td><small>THE GREAT SURGEONS OF THE WORLD,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_661">661</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">211.</td> - <td><small>A CALL ON THE VILLAGE DOCTOR,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_663">663</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">212.</td> - <td><small>PHYSICIANS’ COSTUME IN 1790,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_664">664</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">213.</td> - <td><small>HOW POOR TOMMY WAS LOST,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_666">666</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">214.</td> - <td><small>BRIDGET’S METHOD OF MENDING STOCKINGS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_667">667</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span>215.</td> - <td><small>THE UNDERTAKERS’ ARMS,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_669">671</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">216.</td> - <td><small>DISPUTE OF THE DOCTOR AND VALET,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_671">671</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">217.</td> - <td><small>A WIG MOUSE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_674">674</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">218.</td> - <td><small>THE MYSTERY EXPLAINED,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_675">675</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">219.</td> - <td><small>MEETING OF THE DOCTOR AND THE CURATE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_677">679</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">220.</td> - <td><small>DOCTOR CANDEE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_679">679</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">221.</td> - <td><small>A GERMAN BEER GIRL,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_681">681</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">222.</td> - <td><small>AN INDIGNANT BRIDE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_687">686</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">223.</td> - <td><small>THE ITCH MITE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_689">689</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">224.</td> - <td><small>THE BURGLAR AND STUDENT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_693">693</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">225.</td> - <td><small>HARVESTED,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_694">694</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">226.</td> - <td><small>ASSISTANCE FROM A ROYAL SURGEON,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_697">696</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">227.</td> - <td><small>PETER THE GREAT AS A SURGEON,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_698">697</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">228.</td> - <td><small>JOB DISCHARGED BY SIR SCIPIO,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_703">703</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">229.</td> - <td><small>“BLEED HIM,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_704">704</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">230.</td> - <td><small>A BORROWED WATCH,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_706">706</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">231.</td> - <td><small>JOB’S DECISION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_708">708</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">232.</td> - <td><small>SQUASHY’S SURGICAL OPERATION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_715">715</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">233.</td> - <td><small>“WILL YE TAK’ A BLAST, NOO?”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_721">720</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">234.</td> - <td><small>REPTILES FROM THE STOMACH,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_722">722</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">235.</td> - <td><small>“IT ISN’T CATCHIN’,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_724">724</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">236.</td> - <td><small>FUNERAL OF THE CANARY,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_725">725</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">237.</td> - <td><small>MY FRONT STREET PATIENT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_731">731</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">238.</td> - <td><small>A SHOPPING PATIENT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_733">733</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">239.</td> - <td><small>CALL AT THE TENEMENT,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_737">737</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">240.</td> - <td><small>THE WIDOW’S OCCUPATION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_739">739</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">241.</td> - <td><small>THE PHYSICIAN AND THE FATHER,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_742">742</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">242.</td> - <td><small>THE PETER FUNK PHYSICIAN,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_746">745</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">243.</td> - <td><small>VIRTUE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_747">747</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">244.</td> - <td><small>THE FREEDOM OF THE PARK,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_759">761</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">245.</td> - <td><small>“IT COSTS NOTHING,”</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_766">766</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">246.</td> - <td><small>A NATURAL POSITION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_792">792</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">247.</td> - <td><small>AN UNNATURAL POSITION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_792">792</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">248.</td> - <td><small>CORRECT POSITION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_796">796</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">249.</td> - <td><small>INCORRECT POSITION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_796">796</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">250.</td> - <td><small>HOW WASP WAISTS ARE MADE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_799">799</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">251.</td> - <td><small>A CONSUMPTIVE WAIST,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_800">800</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">252.</td> - <td><small>NON-CONSUMPTIVE WAIST,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_800">800</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">253.</td> - <td><small>A HEALTHY POSITION,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_804">804</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">254.</td> - <td><small>POSITION OF ARTERY IN ARM,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_811">811</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">255.</td> - <td><small>COMPRESSING AN ARTERY IN ARM,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_812">812</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">256.</td> - <td><small>POSITION OF ARTERY IN LEG,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_812">812</a></td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">257.</td> - <td><small>THE DOCTOR’S QUEUE,</small></td> - <td align="right"><a href="#Page_816">816</a></td></tr></table> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="I" id="I"></a>I.</h2> -<p class="title">MEDICAL HUMBUGS.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td valign="top" align="right"><i>Marina.</i></td> - <td>... Should I tell my history,<br />’Twould seem like lies disdained in the reporting.</td></tr> -<tr><td valign="top" align="right"><i>Pericles.</i></td> - <td>Pray thee, speak.—<i>Shakspeare.</i></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>ORIGIN AND APPLICATION OF “HUMBUG.”—A FIFTH AVENUE HUMBUG.—JOB’S -OPINION OF DOCTORS.—EARLY PHYSICIANS.—PRIESTS AS DOCTORS.—WIZARDS -COME TO GRIEF.—A “CAPITAL” OPERATION.—A WOMAN CUT INTO TWELVE -PIECES.—ANECDOTE.—ROBIN HOOD’S LITTLE JOKE.—TIT FOR TAT.—ENGLISH -HUMBUGS.—FRENCH DITTO.—A FORTUNE ON DIRTY WATER.—AMERICAN -HUMBUGS.—A FIRST CLASS “DODGE.”—A FREE RIDE.—A SHARP -INTERROGATOR.—DOCTOR PUSBELLY.—A WICKED STAGE-DRIVER’S STORY.—“OLD -PILGARLIC” TAKES A BATH.—LUDICROUS SCENE.—PROFESSOR BREWSTER.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>Medical humbugs began to exist with the first pretenders to the science of -healing. Quacks originated at a much later period. So materially different -are the two classes, that I am compelled to treat of them separately.</p> - -<p>The word <i>humbug</i> is a corruption of <i>Hamburg</i>, Germany, and seems to have -originated in London. The following episode is in illustration of both its -origin and meaning:—</p> - -<p>“O, Bridget, Bridget!” exclaimed the fashionable mistress of a brown stone -front in Fifth Avenue, New York, to her surprised servant girl, “what have -you been doing at the front door?”</p> - -<p>“Och, murther! Nothin’, ma’am.”</p> - -<p>“Nothing!” repeated the mistress.</p> - -<p>“Yes’m—that is—” stammered Bridget, greatly embarrassed.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span>“What were you doing at the front door but a moment since?”</p> - -<p>“Nothin’, ma’am, but spakin’ to me cousin; he’s a p’leeceman, ma’am, if ye -plaze, ma’am,” replied Bridget, dropping a low courtesy to the mistress.</p> - -<p>“No, no; I did not mean that. But haven’t you been cleaning the door-knob -and the bell-pull?”</p> - -<p>“Yes’m,” replied Bridget, changing from embarrassment to surprise.</p> - -<p>“Why, Bridget, didn’t I tell you never to polish the front door-knobs -during the warm season? Now my friends will think that I have returned -from Saratoga—”</p> - -<p>“And is it to Saratogy ye’ve been, ma’am?” exclaimed Bridget.</p> - -<p>“No, you dunce; but was not the front of the house closed, and the -servants forbidden to polish the plates and glass, that my friends might -be led to believe we had all gone to the watering-place?”</p> - -<p>That was true humbug. Double humbuggery! for the servant girl was -humbugging her mistress by pretending to polish the door-knobs, while she -was really coqueting with a policeman; and the mistress was humbugging her -friends into the belief that the house was closed, and the family gone to -Saratoga.</p> - -<p>So, Hamburg, on the Elbe, being a fashionable resort of the upper-ten-dom -of London, those who would ape aristocracy, yet being unable to bear the -expense of a trip to the Continent, closed the front of their dwellings, -moved into the rear, giving out word that they had gone to <i>Hamburg</i>.</p> - -<p>When a house was observed so closed, with a notice on the door, the -passers by would wag their heads, and exclaim, questionably, “Ah, gone to -Hamburg!” or, “All gone to Hamburg!” “It’s all Hamburg!” and so on. And, -like a thousand other words in the English language, this became -corrupted, and “humbug” followed. Hence, taking<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> the sense from the -derivation of the word, humbug means “an imposition, under fair -pretences;” cheat; hoax; a deception without malicious intent. Webster -says it is “a low word.”</p> - -<p>The humbugs in medicine, we assert, began to exist with the first persons -of whom we have any account in the history of the healing art. Among the -early Egyptian physicians, Æsculapius was esteemed as the most celebrated. -He was the first humbug in his line. However, nearly all the accounts we -have of him are mythological. If we are to credit the early writers, this -great healer restored so many to life, that he greatly interfered with -undertaker Pluto’s occupation, who picked a quarrel with Æsculapius, and -the two referred the matter to Jupiter for adjudication.</p> - -<p>But we may go back of this “god of medicine.” If he was physician to the -Argonauts, we must fix the date of his great exploits at about the year -B. C. 1263. It is claimed by good authority that the Book of Job dates back -to B. C. 1520, and is the oldest book extant. Herein we find Job saying, -“Ye are forgers of lies; ye are all physicians of no value.” Since his -friends were trying their best to humbug him, Job certainly intimates that -physicians—some of them, at least—were looked upon as humbugs. But, -then, Job was only an Arab prince; not an Israelite, at all; nor does he -condescend to mention that “peculiar people” in his book. And besides, -what reliance can be based upon the opinion of a man respecting -physicians, whose only surgical instrument consisted of a “piece or -fragment of a broken pot”?</p> - -<p>Therefore, leaving the “Arab prince,” we will turn for a moment to the -early Jewish physicians. Josephus does not enlighten us much respecting -them. The Old Testament makes mention of physicians in three -instances,—the last figuratively.</p> - -<p>The first instance—a rather amusing one—where <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>physicians are mentioned -in the sacred writings, is in 2 Chron. xvi. 12: “And Asa, in the -thirty-ninth year of his reign, was diseased in his feet, until the -disease was exceeding great; yet in his disease he sought not to the Lord, -but to the physicians.” The compiler adds, very coolly, as though a -natural consequence, “<i>And Asa slept with his fathers</i>!” This reminds us -of an anecdote by the late Dr. Waterhouse. An Irishman obtained twenty -grains of morphine, which, instead of quinine, he took at one dose, to -cure the chills. The doctor, in relating it long afterwards, added, -laconically, “He being a good Catholic, his funeral was numerously -attended.”</p> - -<p>For generations nearly all the pretensions to healing were made by the -priests and magicians, who humbugged and “bamboozled” the ignorant and -superstitious rabble to their hearts’ content. Kings and subjects were -alike believers in the Magi. Saul believed in the magic powers of the -“witch of Endor.” The wicked king Nebuchadnezzar classed Daniel and his -three companions with the magicians, although Daniel (chap. xi. 10) denied -the imputation. Joseph laid claim to the power of divination; for, having -caused the silver cup to be placed in the sack of corn, and after having -sent and brought his brother back, he said (Gen. xliv. 15), “What deed is -this that ye have done? Wot ye not that such a man as I can certainly -divine?” It seemed necessary to deal with the people according to their -belief. It was useless to dispute with them. As late as the preaching of -Paul and Barnabas, the whole nations of Jews and Greeks were so tinctured -with belief in magic and enchantment in healing, taught and promulgated by -the priesthood, that when the apostles healed the cripple of Lystra, the -rabble, headed by the priests, cried out, “The gods are come down to us in -the likeness of men.” And they called Barnabas Jupiter, and Paul -Mercurius.</p> - -<p>The town clerk in the theatre said to the excited crowd,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> “These men are -neither robbers of churches, nor yet blasphemers of your goddess.”</p> - -<p>Diana was appealed to for women in childbirth; Mercurius for the healing -of cutaneous diseases (<i>herpes</i>), probably because he carried a <i>herpe</i>, -or short sword, also, at times, the caduceus; and Jupiter for various -diseases. But to return to the times of Saul and David.</p> - -<p>It seems that the business became overcrowded, and the vilest and most -degraded of both sexes swelled the ranks of sorcerers, astrologers, and -spiritualists, until every class and condition of people became -impregnated with these beliefs, from kings to the lowest subject. Finally, -the strong arm of the law laid hold of them, and the edict went forth that -“a witch shall not live,” that “a wizard shall be put to death,” and that -“the soothsayer be stoned.”</p> - -<p>Nevertheless, the wretches continued to practise their deceptions, but -less openly for a time, and they are made mention of throughout the sacred -writings, until “the closing of the canon.”</p> - -<p>But the Scriptures are almost totally silent on surgery, and the remedies -resorted to by those pretending to the science—as also by physicians and -priests—were such as to lead us to believe that their <i>materia medica</i> -was very limited. Under the head of Ridiculous Prescriptions, we shall -mention these remedies:—</p> - -<p>The earliest record we find of surgical operations in the Old Testament is -in Judges xix. 29,—a “capital operation,” we may judge, for the account -informs us that the patient, a woman, “was divided into twelve pieces.”</p> - -<p>Turning to the profane writers for information, we plunge into an abyss of -uncertainty, with this exception; that the practice of medicine—it could -not be called a science—was still in the hands of the priesthood, and -partook largely of the fabulous notions of the age, being connected almost -entirely with idolatries and humbuggeries. The cunning<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> priests caused the -rabble, from first to last, to believe that all disease was inflicted, not -from the violation of the laws of nature, but by some angry and outraged -divinity, whose wrath must be appeased by bribes (<i>paid to the priests</i>), -by incantations, and absurd ceremonies, or else the afflicted victim must -die a painful death, and forever after suffer a more horrible eternity. -The priests’ receiving the pay reminds us of the following little -anecdote.</p> - -<p>A very pious man, recently congratulating a convalescing patient upon his -recovery, asked his friend who had been his physician.</p> - -<p>“Dr. Blank brought me safely through,” was his reply.</p> - -<p>“No, no,” said the friend, “God brought you out of this affliction, and -healed you,—not the doctor.”</p> - -<p>“Well,” replied the man, “may be he did; but I am sure that the doctor -will charge me for it.”</p> - -<p>The offices of priest and physician were united among the Jews, Heathens, -Greeks, Egyptians, and Romans. The Druids (from <i>draoi</i>, magician) ruled -and ruined the ancient Celts, Gauls, Britons, and Germans. The people of -these nations looked up to the priests as though life and death and -immortality hung only upon their lips. Among our aborigines we have also -examples of the double office of priest and “medicine man.” And it is an -astonishing fact, that notwithstanding the ignorance of the pretenders to -healing, or the ridiculousness of the prescriptions, or the exorbitant -fees, the rabble of the age relied upon them with the most implicit -confidence. If the patient recovered, the priests—embodying the gods—had -restored them by their great skill and the favor of some particular -divinity, and so were worshipped, and again rewarded with other fees to -offer sacrifices to the individual god who was supposed to favor the -priest or wizard. If he died it was the will of the gods that it should so -be, and the friends lost none of their faith in the abilities of their -medical and spiritual advisers.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span>The priests could not be disposed of so easily as the witches and wizards -were supposed to have been, for they kept the people under greater fear, -and held the balance of power in their own hands. The only difference -between the priests and wizards was, that the former <i>claimed</i> to exercise -their arts by the power of the gods, while the latter were said to be -assisted by the evil spirits. The priests claimed this in the times of -Christ, and tried to persuade the rabble that he was assisted by -Beelzebub. While the grasping priesthood professed poverty and -self-denial, they were continually enriching themselves by robberies and -extortions upon the ignorant and superstitious common people.</p> - -<p>A mirth-provoking anecdote is told of Robin Hood and two friars, which we -cannot forbear relating here as illustrative of the above assertion. If -our readers regard stories from such a source as very uncertain, we have -only to reply that we are now dealing with “uncertainties.”</p> - -<p>“One day, Robin disguised himself as a friar, and went out on the highway. -Very soon he met two priests, to whom he appealed for charity in the -blessed Virgin’s name.</p> - -<p>“‘That we would do, were it in our power,’ they replied.</p> - -<p>“‘I fear you are so addicted to falsehood, I cannot believe that you have -no money, as you say. However, let us all down on our marrow bones, and -pray the Virgin to send us some money.’</p> - -<p>“‘No, no,’ replied the priests; ‘it is of no use.’</p> - -<p>“‘What! have you no faith in your patron saint? Down, I say, and pray.’</p> - -<p>“In fear, down fell the two priests, and Robin by their side, and all -prayed most lustily.</p> - -<p>“‘Now feel in your pockets,’ said Robin, rising.</p> - -<p>“‘There is nothing,’ they replied, plunging their hands deep into their -cloaks.</p> - -<p>“‘Down again, and pray harder,’ shouted Robin, drawing his sword.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span>“Down they fell, and mumbled over their Latin, but declared the gods had -sent them nothing.</p> - -<p>“‘I do not believe you,’ said Robin; ‘you ever were a pack of liars. Let -each stand a search, that we deceive not each other.’ So Robin turned his -own empty pockets wrong side out, then compelled the friars to follow -suit, when lo! out fell five hundred pieces of gold.</p> - -<p>“When Robin saw this glorious sight, he berated the priests soundly, and -taking the gold, went away to Sherwood, and made merry at the expense of -the church.”</p> - -<p>About 1185 B. C. we find among the Grecians some traces of what was termed -the healing art. But fact and fable, history and mythology, are so mixed -and blended, that it is impossible to gain any reliable information so far -back.</p> - -<p>Chiron is made mention of as having acquired much celebrity as a -physician. It is claimed that he was learned in the arts and sciences, -that he taught astronomy to Hercules, music to Apollo, and medicine to -Æsculapius, who came from Egypt. From what can be gleaned, of reliability, -it seems that he employed simple medicines, and possessed some knowledge -of dressing wounds and reducing fractures and dislocations; but no doubt -he pretended to greater things than the times would warrant, for, when -shot by an arrow from the bow of Hercules, his former pupil, he was unable -to heal the wound, and begged Jupiter to “set him up” among the stars, -which request was complied with, and Chiron was translated to the heavens, -where he still shines in the constellation Sagittarius, represented as a -centaur, with drawn bow, driving before him the other eleven signs of the -zodiac.</p> - -<p>We have alluded to Æsculapius, and, passing over all others of his class, -we come to the times of Hippocrates.</p> - -<p>Hippocrates is rightly called the “Father of Medicine,” for he was the -first to raise medicine to a science. We mention him without classing him -with humbugs; but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> Menecrates, who flourished about the same time, arrived -at great notoriety by ruse and deception. He was “famous for vanity and -arrogance.” He went about accompanied by some patients, whom he claimed to -have cured, as proofs of his great ability. One he disguised as Apollo, -another he arrayed in the habit of Æsculapius, and sent them abroad to -sound his praise, while he took upon himself the garb, and assumed the -character, of Jupiter.</p> - -<p>Pliny says that medicine was the last of the sciences introduced into -Rome, and that the Septimont City was six hundred years without a regular -physician. Archagathus, a Grecian, settled in Rome about 300 B. C., and if -he was a fair sample of those who followed him, it had been better for -Rome that it had remained another six hundred years “without a regular -physician.” He introduced cruel and painful escharotics, and made free use -of the knife and the lancet. He was a humbug of the first water, and a -quack besides, and as such he was banished in a few years.</p> - -<p>The Christian era introduced some light into the medical, as well as the -religious world; yet we learn, by both sacred and profane writers, that -truth and knowledge were the exceptions, and ignorance and humbug were the -rule by which medicine was practised by those who pretended to the art. -Names changed, characters remained the same.</p> - -<p>The priests still held their own, and were not, as already shown, to be -gotten rid of, as the witches and wizards, their rivals and imitators, by -litigation, nor was their power broken until the Decree of the Council of -Tours in 1163 A. D., which prohibited priests and deacons from performing -certain surgical operations.</p> - -<p>After the Reformation the vocations of spiritual and medical adviser -diverged wider and wider, until now a priest or minister is seldom -consulted for bodily infirmities, and only by persons of the most ignorant -and superstitious denominations.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span>Setting the priesthood aside did not suppress humbugs in medicine. In fact -the profession went into disrepute, which the priests hastened, and a -lower order of people took upon themselves the practice of deceiving the -sick and afflicted. Now and then a greater humbug than common would spring -up, and for a time draw the rabble after him, till the next arose to -eclipse him.</p> - -<p>From the discovery of America to about 1600, ambitious upstarts, humbugs, -and seekers of fame and fortune were drawn away from the old world, and -either for this reason, or because the biographers were attracted to a -more interesting field, accounts of medical celebrities are very meagre; -but from the latter period to the present day there has been no lack of -records from which to draw our material.</p> - -<p>During the 17th and 18th centuries medical impostors had things all their -own way. Ignorance was no hinderance to advancement, socially or -pecuniarily. Some men published, in their own names, voluminous works, in -both English and Latin, which they themselves could not read. By soft -words and cunning arts others gained high positions, and, without -knowledge of the first branch of medical science, became “court -physicians.”</p> - -<p>From the lowest walks, they rose up on every side: from the cobbler’s -bench, and the tailor’s board; from cutting up meat in the butcher’s shop, -to “cutting up” naughty boys in a pedagogue’s capacity; from shaving the -unwashed rabble behind the striped barber’s pole, to shaving their wives -behind counters, where they measured the cloth of the weaver, they became -cobblers of poor healths, butchers of men, and shavers of the invalided -public. But these will be discoursed of under another head.</p> - -<p>We here offer one proof of this state of affairs by a quotation from the -original charter of the first College of Physicians, granted by Henry -VIII., which reads, “Before this period a great multitude of ignorant -persons, of which the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> greater part had no insight into physic, <i>nor into -any other kind of learning</i>,—some could not even read the Book,—so far -forth that common artificers, as smiths, weavers, and women boldly and -accustomedly took upon themselves great cures, to the high displeasure of -God, great infamy of the faculty, and the grievous hurt, damage, and -destruction of many of the king’s liege people.”</p> - -<p>The meetings of this august body (College of Physicians) were held at the -house of Dr. Linacre. “He was a gentleman of distinction, both as a -physician and scholar.” He became disgusted with physic, and took “holy -orders” five years before his death. He was one of the original -petitioners of the charter, which complained that the above rabble of -doctors could not read the Book (Bible). Now see the ignorance—the -hypocrisy of the man!</p> - -<p>Dr. Caius, who wrote his epitaph, says of Linacre, “He certainly was not a -very profound theologian, for a short time before his death he read the -New Testament for the first time, when, so greatly was he astonished at -finding the rules of Christianity so widely at variance with their -practice, that he threw down the sacred volume in a passion, saying, -‘Either this is not gospel, or we are not Christians.’” This was just -prior to 1600.</p> - -<p>This Dr. Caius is supposed to be the same character whom Shakspeare -introduced in his “<i>Merry Wives of Windsor</i>;” and as it is a fact patent -to all that the great poet had no very exalted opinion of doctors, and -would “throw physic to the dogs,” it has been suggested that Caius was -produced by him on that ground.</p> - -<p>There are others of this and a later period, whom, though ranking amongst -the greatest of humbugs, we defer mentioning here, but will notice in our -chapter on quacks.</p> - -<p>Mr. Jeaffreson, in his excellent work, “Book About Doctors,” to which work -I am indebted for several anecdotes, says,—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span>“The lives of three physicians—Sydenham, Sir Hans Sloane, and -Heberden—completely bridge over the uncertain period between old -empiricism and modern science.”</p> - -<p>The former, Dr. Thomas Sydenham, was born at Windford Eagle, Dorsetshire, -England, in 1624, and was esteemed as an excellent physician and profound -scholar of his day. Nothing is known of his boyhood. For a time he was a -soldier. He was about forty years old when admitted a member of the -College of Physicians. Dr. Richard Blackmore, his contemporary, who was -but a pedagogue at the outstart himself, but afterwards knighted as Sir -Richard, says of Dr. Sydenham, “He was only a disbanded officer, who -entered upon the practice of medicine for a maintenance, without any -preparatory learning.” The fact of his possessing a diploma went for -nothing, since Dr. Meyersbach obtained his about this time for a few -shillings, and without the rudiments of an education, made a splendid -living out of the credulity even of the most learned and fashionable -classes of English society, and arrived at the height of honor and -distinction.</p> - -<p>The reader must admit that diplomas were cheap honors, when one was -granted to a dog! A young English gentleman, for the sport of the thing, -paid the price of a medical diploma soon after Dr. Meyersbach’s was -granted, and had it duly recorded in the archives of the college (Erfurth) -as having been awarded to Anglicus Ponto.</p> - -<p>“And who was Anglicus Ponto?”</p> - -<p>“None other than the gentleman’s dog—a fine mastiff.”</p> - -<p>But this question was not asked till too late to prevent the joke. It had -the good effect, however, to raise at once the price of degrees.</p> - -<p>Dr. Sydenham published several medical works, copies of which are now -extant, but his pretensions to skill availed him but little in time of -need. His prescriptions—some of them, at least—were very absurd, and -during his latter years, while enjoying a lucrative practice, and -possessing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> the utmost confidence of the <i>bon ton</i>, he suffered -excruciating pains from the gout, which, with other complications, ended -his days. “Physician, heal thyself.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 331px;"><img src="images/img001.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">DR. ANGLICUS PONTO.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Dr. Blackmore, an aspirant to medical fame, applied to Dr. Sydenham, while -residing in Pall Mall, with the following inquiry:—</p> - -<p>“What is the best course of study for a medical student?”</p> - -<p>“Read Don Quixote,” was Sydenham’s reply. “It is a very good book. I read -it yet.” I find this in a biographical dictionary of 1779. While some -biographers endeavor to pass this off as a joke, it is a well-known fact -that the doctor was a sceptic in medicine, and those who knew him best -believe that he meant just what he said.</p> - -<p>On the arrival of Dr. Sloane in London, he waited on Dr. Sydenham, as -being the great gun of the town at that time, and presented a letter of -introduction, in which an enthusiastic friend had set forth Sloane’s -qualifications in glowing language, as being perfected in anatomy, botany, -and the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> various branches of medicine. Sydenham finished the letter, threw -it on the table, eyed the young man very sharply, and said,—</p> - -<p>“Sir, this is all very fine, on paper—very fine; but it won’t do. -Anatomy! botany! Nonsense. Why, sir, I know an old woman in Covent Garden -who better understands botany; and as for anatomy, no doubt my butcher can -dissect a joint quite as well. No, no, young man; this is all stuff. You -must go to the bedside; it is only there that you can learn disease.”</p> - -<p>In spite of this mortifying reception, however, Sydenham afterwards took -the greatest interest in Dr. Sloane, frequently taking the young man with -him in his chariot on going his rounds.</p> - -<p>In “Lives of English Physicians,” the author, in writing of Dr. Sydenham, -says, “At the commencement of his practice, it is handed down to us, that -it was his ordinary custom, when consulted by patients for the first time, -to hear attentively their story, and then reply, “Well, I will consider -your case, and in a few days will prescribe something for you;” thereby -gaining time to look up such a case. He soon learned that this -deliberation would not do, as some forgot to return after “a few days,” -and to save his fees he was obliged, <i>nolens volens</i>, to prescribe on the -spot.</p> - -<p>A further proof of his contemptible opinion of deriving knowledge from -books, as expressed above to Dr. Blackmore, is exemplified and -corroborated in an address to Dr. Mapletoft (1675).</p> - -<p>“The medical art could not be learned so well and surely as by use and -experience, and that he who would pay the nicest and most accurate -attention to the symptoms of distempers, would succeed best in finding out -the true means of cure.”</p> - -<p>“Riding on horseback,” he says, in one of his books, “will cure all -diseases except confirmed consumption.” How about curing gout?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>A very amusing, though painful picture, is drawn by Dr. Winslow, a -reliable author of the seventeenth century, in his book, “Physic and -Physicians:”—</p> - -<p>“Dr. Sydenham suffered extremely from the gout. One day, during the latter -part of his life, he was sitting near an open window, on the ground floor -of his residence in St. James Square, inspiring the cool breeze on a -summer’s afternoon, and reflecting, with a serene countenance and great -complacency on the alleviation of human misery that his skill enabled him -to give. Whilst this divine man was enjoying this delicious reverie, and -occasionally sipping his favorite beverage from a silver tankard, in which -was immersed a sprig of rosemary, a sneak thief approached, and seeing the -helpless condition of the old doctor, stole the cup, right before his -eyes, and ran away with it. The doctor was too lame to run after him, and -before he could stir to ring and give alarm the thief was well off.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 357px;"><img src="images/img002.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">MISFORTUNES NEVER COME SINGLY.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>This reminds one of a story of an old man who stood in a highway, leaning -on his staff, and crying, in a feeble, croaking voice, “Stop thief! stop -thief!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>“What is the matter, sir?” inquired a fellow, approaching.</p> - -<p>“O, a villain has stolen my hat from my head, and run away.”</p> - -<p>“Your hat!” looking at the bare head; “why didn’t you run after him?”</p> - -<p>“O, my dear sir, I can’t run a step. I am very lame.”</p> - -<p>“Can’t run! then here goes your wig.” And so saying, the fellow caught the -poor old man’s wig, and scampered away at the top of his speed.</p> - -<p>Dr. Sydenham died December 29, 1689. He could not be termed a quack, but -certainly he was a consummate humbug.</p> - -<p>An author, before quoted, after copying a description of the “poor -physician” of the age, adds,—</p> - -<p>“How it calls to mind the image of Dr. Oliver Goldsmith, when, with a -smattering of medical knowledge and a German diploma, he tried to pick out -of the miseries and ignorance of his fellow-creatures the means of keeping -soul and body together! He, too, poet and doctor, would have sold a pot of -rouge to a faded beauty, or a bottle of hair dye, or a nostrum warranted -to cure the bite of a mad dog.”</p> - -<p>“Set a rogue to catch a rogue.” And to this principle we are indebted for -the exposition of many fallacies and humbugs pursued by early physicians -in order to gain practice.</p> - -<p>“Dr. Radcliffe,” says Dr. Hannes, “on his arrival in London, employed half -of the porters in town to call for him at the coffee-houses (a famous -resort of physicians of the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries) and -places of public resort, so that his name might become known.”</p> - -<p>On the other hand, Radcliffe accused Dr. Hannes of the same trick a few -years later. Doctors were doctors’ own worst enemies. Instead of standing -by each other of the same school, in lip service, or passing by each -other’s errors and imperfections in silence, as they do nowadays, they -quarrelled continually, accusing each other of the very tricks they -practised themselves.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span>Of Dr. Meade it was confidently asserted, that without practice at first, -he opened extensive correspondence with all the nurses and midwives in his -vicinity, associated and conversed with apothecaries and gossips, who, -hoping for his trade, would recommend him as a skilful practitioner. The -ruse worked, and soon the doctor found his calls were <i>bona fide</i>. This is -a trick that some American physicians we know of may have learned from Dr. -Meade. Certainly they know and practise the deception.</p> - -<p>When Dr. Hannes went to London, he opened the campaign with a coach and -four. The carriage was of the most imposing appearance, the horses were -the best bloods, sleek and high-spirited, the harnesses and caparisons of -the richest mountings of silver and gold, with the most elegant trimmings.</p> - -<p>“By Jove, Radcliffe!” exclaimed Meade, “Dr. Hannes’ horses are the finest -I have ever seen.”</p> - -<p>“Umph,” growled Radcliffe, “then he will be able to sell them for all the -more.” But Dr. Radcliffe’s <i>prognosis</i> was at fault for once; and -notwithstanding all the prejudice that Radcliffe and his friends could -bring to bear against Hannes, and the lampooning verses spread broadcast -against him, he kept his “fine horses,” and rode into a flourishing -business.</p> - -<p>To make his name known, Dr. Hannes used to send liveried footmen running -about the streets, with directions to poke their heads into every coach -they met, and inquire anxiously, “Is Dr. Hannes here?” “Is this Dr. -Hannes’ carriage?” etc.</p> - -<p>Acting upon these orders, one of these fellows, after looking into every -carriage from Whitehall to Royal Exchange, ran into a coffee-house, which -was one of the great places of meeting for members of the medical -profession. Several physicians were present, among whom was Radcliffe.</p> - -<p>“Gentlemen,” said the liveried servant, hat in hand, “can your honors tell -me if Dr. Hannes is present?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span>“Who wants Dr. Hannes, fellow?” demanded Radcliffe.</p> - -<p>“Lord A. and Lord B., your honor,” replied the man.</p> - -<p>“No, no, friend,” responded the doctor, with pleasant irony; “those lords -don’t want <i>your master</i>; ’tis he who wants them.”</p> - -<p>The humbug exploded, but Hannes had got the start before this occurred.</p> - -<p>A worthy biographer begins thus, in writing of Dr. Radcliffe: “The -Jacobite partisan, the physician without learning, the luxurious <i>bon -vivant</i>, Radcliffe, who grudged the odd sixpence of his tavern score,” -etc., “was born in Yorkshire, in the year 1650.”</p> - -<p>But notwithstanding Radcliffe’s plebeian birth, he died rich, therefore -respected—a fact which hides many sins and imperfections. He not only -humbugged the people of his day into the belief that he was a learned and -eminent physician, but by his shrewdness in disposing of his gains, in -bestowing wealth where it would tell in after years, when his body had -returned to the dust from whence it came,—such as giving fifty thousand -dollars to the Oxford University as a fund for the establishment of the -great “Radcliffe Library,” etc.,—he succeeded in humbugging subsequent -generations into the same belief.</p> - -<p>Certainly there is room for a few more such humbugs.</p> - -<p>Dr. Barnard de Mandeville, in “Essays on Charity and Charity Schools,” -says of Radcliffe, “That a man with small skill in physic, and hardly any -learning, should by vile arts get into practice, and lay up wealth, is no -mighty wonder; but that he should so deeply work himself into the good -opinion of the world as to gain the general esteem of a nation, and -establish a reputation beyond all contemporaries, with no other qualities -but a perfect knowledge of mankind, and a capacity of making the most of -it, is something extraordinary.”</p> - -<p>Mandeville further accuses him of “an insatiable <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span>greediness after wealth, -no regard for religion, or affection for kindred, no compassion for the -poor, and hardly any humanity to his fellow-creatures; gave no proofs that -he loved his country, had a public spirit, or love of the arts, books, or -literature;” and asks, in summing up all this, “What must we judge of his -motives, the principle he acted from, when after his death we find that he -left but a mere trifle among his (poor) relatives who stood in need, and -left an immense treasure to a university that did not want it?”</p> - -<p>“Radcliffe was not endowed with a kindly nature,” says another writer. -“Meade, I love you,” he is represented as saying to his fascinating -adulator, “and I will tell you a secret to make your fortune. Use all -mankind ill.”</p> - -<p>Radcliffe had practised what he preached. Though mean and penurious, he -could not brook meanness in others.</p> - -<p>The rich miser, John Tyson, approximating his end, magnanimously resolved -to pay two of his three million guineas to Dr. Radcliffe for medical -advice. The miserable old man, accompanied by his wife, came up to London, -and tottered into the doctor’s office at Bloomsbury Square.</p> - -<p>“I wish to consult you, sir; here are two guineas.”</p> - -<p>“You may go, sir,” exclaimed Radcliffe.</p> - -<p>The old miser had trusted that he was unknown, and he might pass for a -poor wretch, unable to pay the five guineas expected from the wealthy, as -a single consultation fee.</p> - -<p>“You may go home and die, and be d——d; for the grave and the devil are -ready for Jack Tyson of Hackney, who has amassed riches out of the public -and the tears of orphans and widows.”</p> - -<p>As the miserable old man turned away, Radcliffe exclaimed, “You’ll be a -dead man in less than ten days.”</p> - -<p>It required little medical skill, in the feeble condition of the old man, -in order to give this correct prognosis.</p> - -<p>Radcliffe was the Barnum of doctors. “<i>Omnia mutantur, et nos mutamus in -illis</i>,” exclaimed Lotharius the First. But<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> that “all things are changed, -and we change with them,” did not apply to medical humbugs during the -seventeenth and eighteenth centuries—no, nor in the nineteenth century, -as we will show, particularly in our articles on Quacks and Patent -Medicines.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 331px;"><img src="images/img003.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE MISER OUTWITS HIMSELF.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The requisites essential to success are amusingly described by a writer of -the former time, as follows:—</p> - -<p><i>First.</i> A decent black suit, and (if your credit will stretch so far), a -plush jacket, not a pin the worse if threadbare as a tailor’s cloak—it -shows the more reverend antiquity.</p> - -<p><i>Second.</i> You must carry a caduceus, or cane, like Mercury, capped with a -civet-box (or snuff-box like Sir Richard’s), and must walk with becoming -gravity, as if in deep contemplation upon an arbitrament between life and -death.</p> - -<p><i>Third.</i> You must hire convenient lodgings in a respectable neighborhood, -with a hatch<a name='fna_1' id='fna_1' href='#f_1'><small>[1]</small></a> at the door; have your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> reception-room hung with pictures -of some celebrated physicians, ancient historical scenes, and anatomical -plates, and the floor belittered with gallipots and half-empty bottles. -Any sexton will furnish your window with a skull, in hope of your custom.</p> - -<p><i>Fourth.</i> Let your desk never be without some old musty Greek and Arabic -authors, and on your table some work on anatomy, open at a picture page, -to amuse, if not astonish spectators, and carelessly thrown on the same a -few gilt shillings, to represent so many guineas received that morning as -fees.</p> - -<p><i>Fifth.</i> Fail not to patronize neighboring alehouses, which may, in turn, -recommend you to inquirers; and hold correspondence with all the nurses -and midwives whose address you may obtain, to applaud your skill at -gossiping.</p> - -<p><i>Sixth.</i> Be not over modest in airy pretensions, not forgetting that -loquaciousness and impudence are essentials to gaining a fool’s -confidence. In case you are naturally backward in language, or have an -impediment of speech, you are recommended to persevere in a habit of -mysterious and profound silence before patients, rendered impressive by -grave nods and ahems.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Early French Physicians.</span></p> - -<p>From what meagre biographies we have of French doctors of the past, we are -led to believe that, as at the present time, the humbugs outnumbered the -honest medical practitioners. In the days of Clovis and the great -Charlemagne, before the power of Rome was broken, before Russia was a -nation, and when England was subject to the caprices of many masters, -there were many surgeons employed in the armies of these kings, but the -priests and wizards were the physicians to the great public. The surgeons -possessed all the knowledge there was to be attained at that distant day; -yet they made the heart, not the brain, the centre of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> thought, and “the -palace of the soul,” knew little of anatomy, and nothing of the -circulation of the blood.</p> - -<p>The physicians of later periods held court positions by flattery, not by -merit. This was particularly true up to and inclusive of the reign of -“<span class="smcap">Louis le Grand</span>.” Those who attended as physicians upon the court of this -remarkable monarch of France for seventy-two years, received no stipend -whatever, except the honor of holding so exalted a position as court -physician to such a mighty ruler; and, notwithstanding the outside -practice that this elevated station necessarily brought them, but few -physicians could long bear the enormous expense attending that position.</p> - -<p>Louis resided at a distance from his capital. His changes of residence -were continual, and not without a design, and chiefly made for the purpose -of creating and maintaining a number of artificial distinctions. By these -he kept the court in a state of constant anxiety, expense, and -expectation. When the next proposed change was announced, he had made it -the fashion for courtiers to accompany him,—to Versailles, to St. -Germain, or Marly,—and to occupy apartments near him, and the -extravagance and magnificence in which he made it incumbent upon his -followers to appear, with the frequent prescribed changes, rendered it too -expensive a position for a man to sustain, unless possessed of a previous -ample fortune. The surgeons of the armies were paid for their services.</p> - -<p>Both Drs. O’Meara and Antommarchi have testified to Napoleon’s scepticism -in medicine and distrust of physicians. But “surgeons are godlike,” he is -represented as saying, and upon all worthy he bestowed the “Legion of -Honor.”</p> - -<p>At St. Helena, Dr. Antommarchi was endeavoring to persuade the emperor to -take a simple remedy which he had prepared for him.</p> - -<p>“Bah!” exclaimed Napoleon, “I cannot; it is beyond my power to take -medicine.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span>“I pray your majesty to try,” entreated the doctor.</p> - -<p>“The aversion I have for the slightest preparation is inconceivable. I -have exposed myself to the dangers of the battle-field with indifference; -I have seen death without betraying emotion; but to take medicine, I -cannot,” was his reply.</p> - -<p>Madame Bertrand, who was present, tried also to persuade the emperor to -take the physician’s prescription.</p> - -<p>“How do you manage to take all those abominable pills and drugs, Madame -Bertrand, which the doctor is continually prescribing for you?” asked the -emperor.</p> - -<p>“O, I take them without stopping to think about it,” was her reply; “and I -beg your majesty will do the same.”</p> - -<p>Still the dying man shook his head, and appealed to General Montholon, who -gave a similar answer.</p> - -<p>“Do you think it will relieve me from this oppression, doctor?” he finally -asked of Dr. Antommarchi.</p> - -<p>“I do, my dear sire; and I entreat your majesty to drink it.”</p> - -<p>“What is it?” asked Napoleon, eying the glass suspiciously.</p> - -<p>“Merely some orange water,” was the reply.</p> - -<p>“Give it me, then;” and the emperor seized the cup and drank the contents -at one draught.</p> - -<p>“The emperor has no faith in medicine, and never takes any,” said Las -Cases, in his memoirs.</p> - -<p>About the year 1723, a man sprang into notice in Paris, styling himself -Dr. Villars. He claimed relationship to the Duke Louis Hector Villars, and -the Abbe Pons is represented as saying that “Dr. Villars is superior to -the great marshal, Louis Hector. The duke kills men,—the doctor prolongs -their existence.”</p> - -<p>Villars declared that his uncle, who had been killed at the age of one -hundred years, and who might, but for his accidental death, have lived -another half century, had confided to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> him the secret of his longevity. -It consisted of a medicine, which, if taken according to directions -accompanying each bottle, would prolong the life of the fortunate -possessor <i>ad infinitum</i>.</p> - -<p>Villars employed several assistants to stand on the corners of the -streets, and who, when a funeral was seen passing, would exclaim,—</p> - -<p>“Ah! if the unfortunate deceased had but taken Dr. Villars’ nostrum, he -might now be riding in his own carriage, instead of in a hearse.”</p> - -<p>“Of course,” says our authority, “the rabble believed the testimony of -such respectable and <i>disinterested</i> appearing witnesses, and made haste -to obtain the doctor’s nostrum—and instructions.” And here is where the -laugh comes in.</p> - -<p>The patient received positive instructions to live temperately, to eat -moderately, bathe daily, to avoid all excesses, to take steady and -moderate exercise, to rise early, and, in fact, to obey all the laws of -nature. Of course those who persevered in these instructions were greatly -benefited thereby, and the dupes, attributing their recovery to the use of -the nostrum, lauded the doctor.</p> - -<p>The medicine, put up in a small bottle, carefully labelled, and sold for -the modest sum of five francs, consisted of water from the River Seine, -tinctured with a quantity of spirits of nitre. A few were wise enough to -see the trick, but most people believed in the efficacy of the nostrum.</p> - -<p>Unfortunately for Villars, he intrusted his secret to another, the humbug -leaked out, and Othello’s occupation was gone; but not, however, until -Villars had amassed a large fortune from the credulity of the public.</p> - -<p>This brings to mind a story, the truth of which can be vouched for, -respecting a New England doctor. His labels contained the following -instructions:—</p> - -<p>“The doctor charges you to take care of the health God has given you. In -eating and exercise be moderate. Avoid<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> bad habits and excesses that sap -the life from you. Use no salt pork, newly-baked fine bread, vinegar, -coffee, strong tea, or spirits while taking this medicine. ’Tis not in the -power of man to restore you to health unless you regard these directions.”</p> - -<p>“What do you think of this?” asked the editor of a journal of Dr. P., -former professor of H—— College, presenting a vial of the high dilution, -as the medicine was, labelled as above.</p> - -<p>“All very well,” the doctor replied, after having read the label; “for if -the vial contains nothing but water, with just sufficient alcohol to keep -it, a strict observance of these directions might restore you to health.”</p> - -<p>“You have treated my case for a long time, doctor, and have never given me -such instructions. Pray why don’t <i>you</i> get up something similar?”</p> - -<p>“Well, what was his reply?” I asked, as the editor hesitated.</p> - -<p>“O, he has not yet informed me.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">American Humbugs.</span></p> - -<p>Humbug is not necessarily synonymous with ignorance. So far from it, that -doubtless a very perfect and successful man in the art of humbugging must -be educated to his business.</p> - -<p>The following true statement is a case in point: A physician of New York, -now in excellent standing, who “rolls in riches,” and whose own carriage -is drawn by a span of horses that Bonner once might have envied, was but a -few years ago as poor as a church mouse, and as unknown as Scripture. He -had graduated with honors in Transylvania University, opened an office in -a country town, where his knowledge and talents were unappreciated, and -which place he abandoned after a twelve months’ patient waiting for a -practice which did not come. He had become poorer every month, and but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> -for the kind assistance of early friends, must have perished of want.</p> - -<p>“Either it is distressingly healthy here, or the good people are afraid to -trust their lives and healths in the hands of an inexperienced physician,” -he remarked to a friend to whom he applied for means for a new start -elsewhere.</p> - -<p>“And where will you try your luck next?” inquired his friend.</p> - -<p>“In New York city.”</p> - -<p>“In New York city?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, and I shall there succeed,” he exclaimed, with great determination.</p> - -<p>“Well, I hope in my heart of hearts you will,” was his friend’s reply, as -he kindly loaned him the required sum of money.</p> - -<p>Had his friend asked the advice of a third party before making the loan, -doubtless the answer would have been something like the following, though -it was respecting another case:—</p> - -<p>“Dr. J. wants me to loan him some money for thirty days; do you suppose he -will refund it?”</p> - -<p>“What! lend him money?” was the reply. “He return it? No, sir; if you lend -that man an emetic he would never <i>return</i> it.”</p> - -<p>On his borrowed funds,—neither principal nor interest of which his kind -friend ever expected him to be able to return,—the doctor entered the -great metropolis. He hired a house in a respectable locality, and hung out -his sign. During his long quiet days in the country village he had read a -great deal, and was “up to the tricks” of his predecessors. He had -particularly posted himself on the ways and means resorted to by some of -those physicians, of whom we have already made brief mention, for getting -into practice.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 394px;"><img src="images/img004.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">COMMENCING A PRACTICE IN NEW YORK.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span>“What avails it that I know as much as other physicians who have entered -upon a practice? What does my diploma amount to if I have no patients?” -he asked himself over and again. Practice was now his want, and this is -the way he obtained it. Having read of a celebrated physician, who kept -his few patients a long time in waiting, under pretence that he was -preoccupied by the many who fortunately had preceded, our young physician -adopted that great man’s tactics. For want of patients to keep in waiting, -he hired some decently dressed lackeys to apply regularly at his front -door, at specified times, and wait till the colored servant admitted them, -one at a time. Each was passed out after a half hour’s supposed -consultation, and the next admitted. The neighbors and others passing, -seeing patients continually in waiting, some with a hand, a foot, face, or -other parts bound up, were led to read his sign, and soon a <i>bona fide</i> -patient applied, who, in turn, was kept waiting a long time, -notwithstanding the young doctor’s anxiety to finger a real medical fee -from his first New York patient. Others followed, the lackeys were -dismissed, and the physician’s practice was established. His merit kept -what his shrewdness had obtained.</p> - -<p>Cannot the reader avouch for the reputed extensive rides of some country -doctor, who, without a known patient, harnessed his bare-ribbed old horse -to his crazy gig, and drove furiously about the country, returning by a -roundabout way, without having made a single professional visit, thereby -humbugging the honest country people into a belief that he had innumerable -patients in his route?</p> - -<p>To quite another class of humbugs belongs the subject of the following -sketch. I have had the pleasure of meeting him but twice—may I never meet -him again. The first interview was at the board of a country hotel.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 328px;"><img src="images/img005.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">GRACE BEFORE MEAT.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I had arrived late at evening by rail, and ordered a light supper. When -the tea-bell had summoned me, I found a large, phlegmatic individual -seated opposite at the table, who possibly had arrived by the same -conveyance as myself.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> His person was quite repulsive. He was probably -fifty years of age, his eyes watery and restless, his thin stock of -hair—indicating a corresponding poverty of brain—black, streaked by -gray, was stuck back professionally (!) over a low bump of veneration, and -high organs of firmness and self-esteem, which, with a Roman nose, large, -protruding under jaw, and wide, open mouth, gave him a striking -appearance, at least. But what was most observable was his thin, uneven, -scraggy whiskers, uncombed, and besmeared by tobacco juice and bits of the -weed, drooling down over their uncertain length, over waistcoat, and so -out of sight below the table. His coat sleeves had evidently been -substituted for a handkerchief when too great a surplus of tobacco juice -obstructed his face. He bent his great, watery eyes over towards me, and -opened the ball by suggesting that I ask a blessing over the food so -bountifully and temptingly laid before us. Having too much compassion on -the present exhausted state of my stomach to disregard its immediate<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> -demands, and too little confidence in the veneration of my <i>vis-a-vis</i> to -return the request, I went to eating, while he closed one eye, keeping the -other on a plate of hot steak just placed before him by the table girl. I -have since been strongly reminded of him by the character “Bishopriggs,” -in Wilkie Collins’s book, “<i>Man and Wife</i>.” I think, however, for -hypocrisy, the present subject exceeded Bishopriggs. Having wagged his -enormous jaw a few times, by way of grace, he began eating and conversing -alternately.</p> - -<p>“I take it, friend, you’re a railroad conductor, coming in so late,” he -suggested, between mouthfuls.</p> - -<p>“No,” was my brief reply.</p> - -<p>“Perhaps, cap’n, you’re a drummer. Sell dry or wet goods?”</p> - -<p>“No.”</p> - -<p>“A newspaper man?”</p> - -<p>I merely shook my head.</p> - -<p>“Then a patent medicine vender?”</p> - -<p>“No!” emphatically.</p> - -<p>“Not a minister,” he asserted. “Perhaps a doctor,” he perseveringly -continued.</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir; I am a physician.”</p> - -<p>“O! ah! indeed! I am rejoiced to learn it. Give me your hand, sir,” he -exclaimed, rising and reaching his enormous palm across the table. “I am -rejoiced, as I said before, to meet a brother.”</p> - -<p>“A <i>brother</i>!” I repeated, with unfeigned surprise and disgust.</p> - -<p>“Yes, a brother! I, too, am a doctor. I have the honor,” etc., for the -next ten minutes, while I hastened to finish my supper.</p> - -<p>His last interrogation was what a college boy would call a “stunner.”</p> - -<p>“<i>Do you think, sir, that the Fillopian ducks are the same in a male as -they are in a female?</i>”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>[Dr. S., a quack living in Winsted, Conn., once said to an educated -physician, that he sometimes found difficulty in introducing a female -catheter on account of the “prostrate” (meaning <i>prostate</i>) gland,—which -exists only in the male!]</p> - -<p>I saw him once after the above interesting interview. He entered the drug -house of Rust, Bird, & Brother, Boston, just as I was about to go out. I -could not refrain from turning my attention towards him, as I recognized -his stentorian voice.</p> - -<p>“Have you got any <i>Bonyset arbs</i>?” was all I waited to hear. I -subsequently learned that he was known in Vermont and part of New York -State by the <i>sobriquet</i> of “Dr. Pusbelly.”</p> - -<p>The following story respecting “Dr. Pusbelly,” related in my hearing by a -stage-driver, is in perfect keeping with the character of the man, as he -impressed me in my first interview at the country hotel.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Dr. Pusbelly.</span></p> - -<p>One sunny day in autumn I had occasion to take a long journey “away down -in Maine,” when and where there was no railroad. I was seated on the -outside of a four-horse stage-coach, with three or four other passengers, -one of whom was a lady, who preferred riding in that elevated station to -being cramped up inside the coach with eight persons, besides sundry -babies, a poodle dog, and a parrot.</p> - -<p>“Sam,” our driver, was a sociable fellow, full of pleasant stories,—and -Medford rum, though he was considered a perfectly safe Jehu. The greatest -drawback to his otherwise agreeable yarns was his habit of swearing. -Notwithstanding the presence of the lady, he would occasionally round his -periods and emphasize his sentences with an expletive which had better -have been omitted.</p> - -<p>“Can’t you tell a story just as well without swearing, Sam?” I inquired.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span>“O, no; it comes second natur. Why, cap’n, everybody swears sometimes. And -that reminds me—Git up, Jerry” (to the horse). “There was an old doctor, -Pill—Pilgarlic, I called him, on account of his pills, and the strong -effluvia from his cataract mouth. He was up round Champlain, where I drove -before the d—d railroads ruined the great stage business. Well, he was as -religious as a cuss,—that ain’t swearin’, is it, cap’n? Well, he came -round there pill-peddling, you see, and in order to make the old women -believe in his (expletive) medicines—”</p> - -<p>“Don’t swear, Sam. You can tell the story better without. Come, try,” -interrupted a passenger, with a twinkle of fun in his expressive eyes.</p> - -<p>“Who’s telling this story,—you or me?” exclaimed Sam, with a wink.</p> - -<p>“Yes, he talked pills by Bible doctrine, swore his essences by the blood -of the Lamb, the —— old hypocrite. I knowed he was a blamed old -hypocrite, for I had to drive him round every onct in a while, and he -never failed, in season and out of place, to exhort me to seek salvation, -and a new heart, and pure understanding, while, all the time, the filthy -tobacco juice slobbered all over his filthier mug, and down his scattering -whiskers;—now and then one, like the scattering trees in yonder -field,—all over his vest; and his coat sleeves were as bad, from frequent -drawing across his face. Yes, he said, ‘Jesus,’ but he meant pills. He -said, ‘Get wine and milk, without money and without price,’ but he meant, -buy his essences, <i>with</i> money. The old gals went crazy over him, and the -pill market was lively. The louder he prayed and exhorted, the faster he -sold his medicines.</p> - -<p>“One Sunday afternoon he wanted me to shy him over the lake; so, taking -his Hem-book and Bible in his coat pockets, and his two tin trunks of -medicine, he followed me to the shore. He seated his great carcass in the -starn of the boat, while I rowed him over the lake. All the way he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> -slobbered tobacco juice; and gabbled his religion at me, while -occasionally I swore mine back at him.</p> - -<p>“When we got over, I jumped out, and told him to set steady till I hauled -the boat up further; but he didn’t mind, and rose up in the starn with his -kit, a tin trunk in each hand, just as I gave the craft a yerk, when over -backwards he went kerflounce into the water,—carcass, trunks, Bible, -pills, and essences, all into the lake. O, the d——! You ought to have -seen him. Up he came, puffin’ and blowin’ like a big whale! Then I fished -him out with the boat-hook, and went for his trunks. No sooner had he -reached <i>terror firmer</i> than, blowin’ the surplus water and tobacco out of -his throat, <i>he commenced swearin’ at me</i>. Religion went by the board! O, -Jerusalem! Such a blessing as he gave me I never before heard. I knowed it -was pent up in him, the —— old sinner, and he only wanted the occasion -to let it out. The bath done it! It was the cussidest baptism I ever -witnessed in the hull course of my life.”</p> - -<p>“Was he called Dr. Pusbelly?” I suggested, at the close of the narrative.</p> - -<p>“Yes, that was his name; but I called him Old Pilgarlic, blame him.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Professor Brewster.</span>”</p> - -<p>When I lived in Hartford, Conn., some years ago, there resided in that -city a black man, then somewhat noted as a “seer” among various classes of -whites, as well as blacks, and who resides there still, and has since -become quite famous. In what category to place this man,—Professor -Brewster, so called,—it is perhaps a little difficult to determine; -whether among “clairvoyants,” “animal magnetizers,” “natural doctors,” -“fortune-tellers,” or what, or all, it must be admitted that he is a -“character,” and wields great influence among certain classes. Nature made -him a superior man of his race, and what thorough, early education -might have done for him, we are left to conjecture. So noted is -Professor Brewster, that I have thought him a proper subject for comment -here, as a living illustration of what a man of subtle genius may -accomplish, though wholly without “book learning,” or other approved -instruction, in the field of medicine.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 393px;"><img src="images/img006.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">OLD PILGARLIC TAKES A BATH.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span>A reliable friend of mine has gathered the following facts and statements -in regard to Professor Brewster, and taken pains to secure the -accompanying engraving of the veritable professor, as he appears in the -year 1872.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img007.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">PROFESSOR BREWSTER.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“The full name of this remarkable man, now residing in Hartford, Conn., is -Worthington Hooker Erasmus Brewster, commonly called, by those who venture -on familiarity, ‘Worthy’ Brewster, for short. Worthy is of full medium -height, powerfully built, and well knitted together. His head is very well -moulded, and also extremely large, but not disproportionally large for his -massive shoulders. He was born of ‘poor but honest’ (though undoubtedly -black)<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> parents, in the town of Granby, Conn., on the 21st day of January, -1812.</p> - -<p>“The boy Worthy, at the age of six years, went with his mother (his father -having died) and her new husband to the hills of Litchfield County to -live, and was there brought up to youth’s estate, enjoying the -opportunities of education at the district school in what is now <i>West</i> -Winsted. The places of the birth and early rearing of Professor Brewster -are fixed beyond question, which fact will, it is hoped, forbid the -contention of other towns, and of ‘seven cities,’ or more, over the -question, after he shall have passed away. Worthy was not attracted to -literature and science, however. He seemed to spurn these, as unworthy of -his natural gifts to waste their time upon. But he learned to read, and -can write a ‘fair hand.’ Seeing no special need of being cramped and -confined by the narrow rules of spelling, Worthy has invented a style of -orthography for himself, and writes a compact, forcible, and even masterly -letter.</p> - -<p>“But we must not linger on the details of his youth. Suffice it that -Worthy grew up a powerful lad, and became the conquering athlete of all -the region about his home. No man, of hundreds who tried, was able to -successfully wrestle with him. The strongest men were no match for him. He -was as agile as he was powerful, and to this day retains great elasticity -of foot and limb. He was a mysterious fellow also, and, before he was -sixteen years old, was regarded by his friends and acquaintances, of -African descent, especially, as a sort of prophet, while many whites -considered him a necromancer, and people all about declared he ‘had the -devil in him’ to no ordinary extent. Worthy claimed, in those days, to -‘see visions,’ and many stories are current among his contemporaries -regarding his then being able to ‘charm snakes,’ and do other miraculous -things. Abundant witnesses, such as they are, can now be found ready to -take their oaths that they have seen Worthy, ‘with their<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> own eyes,’ -perform his miracles. It is certain that these believe in him.</p> - -<p>“At the age of twenty Worthy went to New York city, where (in Lawrence -Street) he lived for the period of a year, successfully practising the art -of fortune-telling. While there Worthy first discovered his powers as a -‘mesmerizer,’ or magnetic physician. A school-girl, knowing that Worthy -‘practised the healing art’ somewhat, and suffering intensely with a -toothache, jeeringly asked him, ‘Why can’t you think of something to cure -my toothache?’ Whereupon Worthy clapped his hands to her head, and -vigorously drew them down her cheeks, half in fun, half seriously, when, -to his astonishment, he found that all his (sound) teeth ached terribly, -while she declared that the pain had left hers. Such is his story; and it -is by no means an improbable one; for animal magnetism is a fixed fact -(however it may be analyzed or defined), and diseases are often -‘magnetically’ alleviated; and Worthy, with his powerful body and superb -health, as well as native force of intellect, may be as naturally gifted, -as a magnetic operator, as even Mesmer himself. Indeed, the writer is -inclined to believe that Worthy’s great power over many people is largely -due to his superior vital forces.</p> - -<p>“Worthy now turned his attention considerably to diseases, but returned to -Litchfield County for a while. At the age of twenty-six, he resolved ‘to -see more of the world,’ and in the capacity of steward embarked at New -Haven on board the brig Marshal, Captain Brison, freighted with horses, -and bound for a long trading voyage to the Island of Demarara, and to -South America, where they coasted during the winters, and took in coffee, -etc., in exchange for their cargo. Worthy was gone from home on this -voyage two years and two months, during which time he learned many -mysteries. He was a foreign traveller now, and his polite and -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span>professional education may be said to have at that time become -‘finished.’</p> - -<p>“Since then Worthy has practised medicine to considerable extent, told -fortunes, ‘looked’ (in a crystal) for stolen property, and, if we are to -believe half of what is attested by many astute people (such as police -detectives, etc.), has, by force of his great sagacity, or in some way (he -would say, through clairvoyance), managed to achieve great success in -ferreting out lost or stolen treasures, and bringing thieves to grief.</p> - -<p>“People of all classes in society visit him with their troubles of mind -and body. But the major part of his clientage is females. The wives and -accomplished daughters of wealthy men, as well as poor and ignorant women, -come from distant parts of the country to consult him, and a great number -of the first ladies of Hartford also consult him. Worthy carries on the -business of a ‘chair-seater,’ partly to occupy his time during the -intervals of his divinations, and partly to provide an excuse for cautious -persons to call on him for consultations. Those who consult him do so -mostly regarding secret matters, and they pretend to visit him to engage -him to seat chairs!</p> - -<p>“He is consulted in respect to all sorts of diseases, and by unsuccessful, -perplexed, or doubting lovers; by husbands whose wives have absconded, and -who are anxious to call them back; by wives in regard to their wandering -husbands; by hosts of superstitious people (and these are found in all -classes), who believe themselves ‘possessed by devils,’ or demons. He is -expected to cast out the devils (and he does so as surely as most doctors -cure imaginary diseases). People who have lost property, and officers of -the law in search of stolen goods, consult him; and bachelors and widowers -in want of wives, and countless maids (both old and young), anxious to get -married, visit him and receive his sweet consolations, or mourn over the -ill luck which he prognosticates<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> for them. His correspondence is large. A -hasty glance through several hundred letters in ‘Professor Brewster’s’ -possession convinced the writer that the amount and character of the -superstition and ignorance which exist in these days, in our very midst, -are probably but little conjectured by the more cultivated classes. They -are indeed astounding, but are not confined, as we have before intimated, -to the wholly illiterate classes. People competent to write letters with -grammatical precision, and observing what would ordinarily be called an -‘excellent business style,’ at least, in their composition, consult the -professor; and so successful is Worthy in his diagnoses of and -prescriptions for various diseases, that many of his patients write him -letters overflowing with gratitude, while others voluntarily and -admiringly attest his skill as a ‘seer.’ To what talent, ‘gift,’ or what -secret of good luck, ‘Professor Brewster’ owes the many successes he wins -(even though he may fail ten times more often than he succeeds), we -cannot, of course, decide. But certain it is that he, with all his claims -to a knowledge of the ‘occult,’ exists, practises his arts, and through a -period of years has retained his old patients, and the postulants before -his supposed demigodship, while adding constantly to their number. In this -he is a remarkable man. He has accumulated quite a respectable property, -and is decidedly one of the ‘institutions’ of the enlightened and -cultivated city of Hartford.</p> - -<p>“It should be remarked here that Worthy was, during the late civil war, a -true patriot. He was attached to the twenty-ninth regiment Connecticut -Volunteers, under Colonel Wooster (a ‘colored’ regiment), and was ‘gone to -the war’ over two years. His powers as a ‘clairvoyant,’ or ‘fore-seer,’ -served him in the war, and he ‘always knew what was coming,’ he says. As a -part of the curious history of the war, serving to show how little the -people of the North understood, in the first years of the contest, that -they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> were fighting for a great humanitary end,—the abolition of chattel -slavery,—it may be noted here, that Worthy wrote to Governor Buckingham, -in August, 1862, proposing to raise a black regiment, and the governor, by -his secretary, replied to Worthy’s proposition, that he then did ‘not deem -it expedient,’—which fact institutes a comparison between the judgments -of the governor and Worthy, not uncomplimentary to the latter.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img008.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="II" id="II"></a>II.</h2> -<p class="title">APOTHECARIES.</p> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>FIRST MENTION OF.—A POOR SPECIMEN.—ELIZABETHAN.—KING JAMES I. -[VI.].—ALLSPICE AND ALOES, SUGAR AND TARTAR EMETIC.—WAR.—PHYSICIAN -VS. APOTHECARY.—IGNORANCE.—STEALING A TRADE.—A LAUGHABLE -PRESCRIPTION.—“CASTER ILE.”—MODERN DRUG -SWALLOWING.—MISTAKES.—“STEALS THE TOOLS ALSO.”—SUBSTITUTES.—“A -QUID.”—A “SMELL” OF PATENT MEDICINES.—“A SAMPLE CLERK.”</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>There are few occupations wherein Old Time has wrought so few changes as -in that of the apothecary’s. What it was four hundred years ago it is -to-day! Who first invented its weights, measures, and symbols, I am unable -to say; but it is a fact that they remain the same as when first made -mention of by the earliest writers on the subject.</p> - -<p>Drop into the “corner drug store,”—and what corner has none!—examine the -balances, the tables of weights and measures, the graduating glass, the -signs for grains, scruples, ounces, and pounds, and you will find them the -same as those used by the earliest known <i>medical</i> apothecaries, by those -of the Elizabethan period, or when King Lear (Lyr) said, “Give me an ounce -of civet, good apothecary, to sweeten my imagination; there’s money for -thee.”</p> - -<p>The money has changed; <i>names</i> of drugs are somewhat altered; some new -ones have taken the place of old ones; prescriptions changed in quality; -but quantities, and modes of expressing them, are unchanged.</p> - -<p>“In the middle ages an apothecary was the keeper of any shop or warehouse, -and an officer appointed to take charge of a magazine.”—<i>Webster.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span>We have good grounds for supposing this to have been the case in the time -of the rebuilding of the wall of Jerusalem, more that two thousand years -ago. Nehemiah informs us that the son of an apothecary assisted in -“fortifying Jerusalem unto the broad wall.” Was not this the office of an -overseer, or “keeper of a magazine”? Various artisans were employed to -perform certain portions of the work, and who more appropriate or better -qualified to oversee the rebuilding of the fortifications than “an officer -appointed to take charge of the magazines”?</p> - -<p>One more reference we draw from Scripture,<a name='fna_2' id='fna_2' href='#f_2'><small>[2]</small></a> viz., in Exodus xxxvii. 29, -where “the holy anointing oil” (not for medicine, but for the tabernacle), -“and the pure incense of sweet spices” (not medical), “were made according -to the work [book?] of the apothecary.” This, however, no more implies -that the said “apothecary” was a medical man, a dispenser of physic, or -versed in medical lore, than that the maker of shewbread (Lev. xxiv. 5) -was necessarily a pharmacist.</p> - -<p>In fact, there seems to have been no need of an apothecary, as medicine -dispenser, until about the latter part of the thirteenth century.</p> - -<p>The oldest known work on compounding medicines was written by Nicolaus -Mynepsus, who died in the commencement of the fourteenth century.</p> - -<p>The first apothecaries were merely growers and dispensers of herbs, and -were but a poor and beggarly set.</p> - -<p>Shakspeare’s delineation of the “<i>poor apothecary of Mantua</i>,” in Romeo -and Juliet, so completely answers the description of the whole “kit” of -druggists of the times, that we may be pardoned in quoting him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span>Romeo says,—</p> - -<p class="poem">“I do remember an apothecary,—<br /> -And hereabouts he dwells,—whom late I noted<br /> -In tattered weeds, with overwhelming brows,<br /> -Culling of simples (herbs). Meagre were his looks;<br /> -Sharp misery had worn him to the bones;<br /> -And in his needy shop a tortoise hung,<br /> -An alligator stuffed, and other skins<br /> -Of ill-shaped fishes; and about his shelves<br /> -A beggarly account of empty boxes,<br /> -Green earthen pots, bladders, and musty seeds;<br /> -Remnants of packthread, and old cakes of roses,<br /> -Were thinly scattered to make up a show.<br /> -Noting this penury, to myself I said,—<br /> -‘An’ if a man did need a poison now,<br /> -Whose sale is present death in Mantua,<br /> -Here lives a caitiff wretch would sell it him.’<br /> -<strong><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span></strong><br /> -What, ho! apothecary!<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Apothecary.</i> Who calls so loud?</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Romeo.</i> Come hither, man! I see that thou art poor.</span><br /> -Hold! There is forty ducats! [$80.] Let me have<br /> -A dram of poison.<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Apoth.</i> Such mortal drugs I have, but Mantua’s law</span><br /> -Is death to any he that utters them.<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Rom.</i> Art thou so bare, and full of wretchedness,</span><br /> -And fear’st to die? Famine is on thy cheeks;<br /> -Need and oppression starveth in thy eyes;<br /> -Upon thy back hangs ragged misery;<br /> -The world is not thy friend, nor the world’s law;<br /> -The world affords no law to make thee rich;<br /> -Then be not poor, but break it, and take this.<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Apoth.</i> My poverty, but not my will, consents.”</span></p> - -<p>When we behold the opulent druggists of the present day, we can hardly -credit the fact that for nearly two hundred years the apothecary of Mantua -was a fair specimen of the wretches who represented that now important -branch of business.</p> - -<p>The physician was the master, the apothecary the slave!</p> - -<p>The following were among the rules prescribed by Dr.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> Bullyn for the -“apothecary’s life and conduct” during the Elizabethan era:—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p>“1. He must serve God, be clenly, pity the poore.</p> - -<p>2. Must not be suborned for money to hurt mankind.</p> - -<p>4. His garden must be at hand, with plenty of herbes, seedes, and -rootes.</p> - -<p>5. To sow, set, plant, gather, preserve, and keepe them in due time.</p> - -<p>6. To read Dioscorides, to learn ye nature of plants and herbes. -(Dioscorides published a work on vegetable remedies about 1499, in -Greek. The <i>translation</i> was referred to.)</p> - -<p>8. To have his morters, stilles, pottes, filters, glasses, and boxes -cleane and sweete.</p> - -<p>12. That he neither increase nor diminish the physician’s bill -(prescription), nor keepe it for his own use.</p> - -<p>14. That he peruse often his wares, that they corrupt not.</p> - -<p>15. That he put not in <i>quid pro quo</i> (i. e., substitute one drug for -another.) (Would not this be excellent advice to some of the -apothecaries of the present day?)</p> - -<p>16. That he meddle only in his vocation.</p> - -<p>18. That he delight to reade Nicolaus Mynepsus, and a few other -ancient authors.</p> - -<p>19. That he remember his office is only ye physician’s <i>cooke</i>.</p> - -<p>20. That he use true waights and measures.</p> - -<p>21. That he be not covetous or crafty, seeking his own lucre before -other men’s help and comfort.”</p></div> - -<p>We may see the wisdom evinced by the author of the above advice, -especially in articles Nos. 2, 12, and 21, when we know of a druggist’s -clerk of modern times, who, having stolen the physician’s prescriptions -intrusted to his care, started out on borrowed capital, and, putting them -up as his own wonderful discoveries, advertised them extensively, until -his remedies, for all diseases which flesh is heir to, are now sold -throughout the entire universe!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span>As the doctors were accustomed to retain their most valuable recipes, and -put up the medicines themselves, selling them as nostrums, and because of -the heavy percentage demanded by them for those intrusted to the -apothecaries, and the small profit accruing from the sale of medicines at -the time, the poor wretched “cookes” were necessarily kept in extreme -poverty. So, in order to eke out a living, the apothecaries were also -grocers and small tradesmen. As at the present day, they were not required -to possess any knowledge of medical science beyond the reading of a few -books “relating to the nature of plants,” hence very little honor or -profit could accrue from the business alone.</p> - -<p>Grocers kept a small stock of drugs, sometimes in a corner by themselves, -but not unusually thrown about and jumbled amongst the articles kept for -culinary and other purposes. As mineral medicines became more generally -used, these were also added to the little stock, and not unfrequently was -some poisonous substance dealt out by a green clerk (as is often the case -nowadays) to the little errand girl, sent in haste for some culinary -article.</p> - -<p>Allspice and aloes, sugar and tartar emetic, lemon essence and laudanum, -were thrown promiscuously together into drawers, or upon the most -convenient shelves, and you need not go far into the country to witness -the same lamentable spectacle in the enlightened nineteenth century. The -apothecary gave the most attention, as now, to the exposition and sale of -those articles which sold the most readily, and returned the greatest -profit. All druggists at present sell cigars and tobacco, at the same time -not unusually posting up a conspicuous sign—</p> - -<p class="center"><strong>NO SMOKING ALLOWED HERE.</strong></p> - -<p>The following is a case in point:—</p> - -<p><i>Druggist.</i> Smoking not allowed here, sir.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span><i>Customer.</i> Why! I just bought this cigar from you.</p> - -<p><i>Druggist.</i> Well, we also sell emetics and cathartics. That does not -license customers to sit down and enjoy them on the premises.</p> - -<p>In the thirteenth year of the reign of James I. of England (and James VI. -of Scotland) the apothecaries and grocers were disunited. The charter, -however, placed the former under the control of the College of Physicians, -who were endowed with the arbitrary powers of inspecting their shops and -wares, and inflicting punishments for alleged neglects, deficiencies, and -malpractices.</p> - -<p>The physicians knew so little, that the apothecaries soon were enabled to -cope with them; “and before a generation had passed away the apothecaries -had gained so much, socially and pecuniarily, that the more prosperous of -them could afford to laugh in the face of the faculty, and by the -commencement of the next century they were fawned upon by the younger -physicians, and were in a position to quarrel with the old, which they -soon improved.”</p> - -<p>As it was a common occurrence for patients to apply at the apothecary’s -for a physician, the former either recommended the applicant to one who -favored him, <i>or else prescribed for the patient himself</i>. The -promulgation of this fact was the declaration of war with the old -physicians, who heretofore had done their best to keep down the -apothecaries. The former threatened punishment, as provided by law; the -latter retaliated, by refusing to call them in to consult on difficult -cases. “Starving graduates of Oxford and Cambridge, with the certificate -of the college in their pockets, were imbittered by having to trudge along -on foot and see the mean ‘medicine mixers,’ who had scarce scholarship -enough to construe a prescription, dashing by in their carriages.”</p> - -<p>The war progressed,—Physician <i>vs.</i> Apothecary,—and the rabble joined. -Education sided with the physicians, interest sided with the -apothecaries.</p> - -<p class="poem"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> -“So modern ’pothecaries taught the art,<br /> -By doctors’ bills, to play the doctors’ part;<br /> -Bold in the practice of mistaken rules,<br /> -Prescribe, apply, and call their masters fools.”</p> - -<p>To circumvent the apothecaries, a dispensary was established in the -College of Physicians, where prescriptions were dispensed at cost. While -this proceeding served to lessen the apothecary’s income for a time, it -could not greatly benefit the prescribing physician. The former might -parallel his case with Iago, and say of the physician, he</p> - -<p class="poem">“Robs me of that which not enriches him,<br /> -And makes me poor indeed.”</p> - -<p>Physicians were divided into two classes,—Dispensarians and -Anti-dispensarians. Charges of ignorance, extortion, and of double-dealing -were preferred on both sides. The dispensary doctors charged their -opponents with playing into the hands of the apothecaries by prescribing -enormous doses, often changing their prescriptions uselessly to increase -the druggists’ revenues and <i>their own percentage</i>! On the other hand, the -dispensarians were accused of charging a double profit on prescriptions -whenever the ignorance of the patient, respecting the value of drugs, -would admit of the extortion.</p> - -<p>Had the physicians been united, the apothecaries would have had to -succumb; but a divided house must fall, and the apothecaries won the day.</p> - -<p>A London apothecary, having been prosecuted by the college for prescribing -for a patient without a regular physician’s advice, carried the case up to -the House of Lords, where he obtained a verdict in his favor; and another -apothecary, Mr. Goodwin, whose goods had been seized by some dispensary -doctors, having obtained a large sum for damages, which being considered -test cases, the doctors from this time (about 1725) discontinued the -exercise of their authority over the apothecaries.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span>Thus emancipated from the supervision of the physicians, the apothecaries -began to feel their own importance, and most of them prescribed boldly for -patients, without consulting a doctor. The ignorance of many of them was -only equalled by their impudence. It is not unusual, at the present day, -for not only apothecaries, but their most ignorant clerks, to prescribe -for persons, strangers perhaps, who call to inquire for a physician; and -cases, too, where the utmost skill and experience are required.</p> - -<p>The following amusing anecdote is sufficiently in accordance with facts -within our own knowledge to be true, notwithstanding its <i>seeming</i> -improbability:—</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Anecdote of Macready, the Actor.</span></p> - -<p>The handwriting of Macready, the actor, was curiously illegible, and -especially when writing a pass to the theatre. One day, at New Orleans, -Mr. Brougham obtained one of these orders for a friend. On handing it to -the latter gentleman, he asked,—</p> - -<p>“What is this, Brougham?”</p> - -<p>“A pass to see Macready.”</p> - -<p>“Why, I thought it was a physician’s prescription, which it most -resembles.”</p> - -<p>“So it does,” acquiesced Mr. Brougham, again looking over the queer -hieroglyphics. “Let us go to an apothecary’s and have it made up.”</p> - -<p>Turning to the nearest druggist’s, the paper was given to the clerk, who -gave it a careless glance, and proceeded to get a vial ready.</p> - -<p>With a second look at the paper, down came a tincture bottle, and the vial -was half filled. Then there was a pause.</p> - -<p>Brougham and his friend pretended not to notice the proceedings. The clerk -was evidently puzzled, and finally broke down, and rang for the -proprietor, an elderly and pompous looking individual, who issued from the -inner sanctum. The<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> clerk presented the paper, the old dispenser adjusted -his eye-glasses, examined the document for a few seconds, and then, with a -depreciating expression,—a compound of pity and contempt for the -ignorance of the subordinate,—he proceeded to fill the vial with some -apocryphal fluid, and, giving it a professional “shake up,” duly corked -and labelled it.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 445px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img009.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE “FREE PASS” PRESCRIPTION.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“A cough mixture, gentlemen,” he said, with a bland smile, as he handed it -to the gentleman in waiting, “and a very excellent one, too. Fifty cents, -if you please.”</p> - -<p>In a copy of the London Lancet, 1844, is reported Dr. Graham’s bill. In -the same number of which is a reply by an apothecary, who asks if “the old -and respectable class of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> apothecaries are to be forever abolished;” and -he quotes the assertion from one of the articles in the bill: “Is it not a -notorious fact that the masses of chemists and druggists know nothing of -the business in which they are engaged?” Dr. Graham certainly ought to -have known.</p> - -<p>Druggists are liable to make mistakes,—as are all men; but carelesness -and ignorance, one or both, are usually to be found at the bottom of the -fatalities so common in the dispensing of prescriptions. I know an old and -experienced druggist who sold a pot of extract belladonna for extract -dandelion. In the same city, on the same street, I know another who was -prosecuted for dispensing opium for taraxicum, which carelesness caused -the death of two children. The following mistake was less fatal, but only -think of the poor lady’s feelings!</p> - -<p>A servant girl was sent to a certain drug store we know of, who, in a -“rich brogue,” which might have caused General Scott’s eyes to water with -satisfaction, and his ears to lop like Bottom’s after his transformation -by the mischievous fairy, she asked for some “caster ile,” which she -wished effectually disguised.</p> - -<p>“Do you like soda water?” asked the druggist.</p> - -<p>“O, yis, thank ye, sir,” was the prompt reply; “an’ limmun, sir, if ye -plaze; long life to yeze.”</p> - -<p>The man then proceeded to draw a glass, strongly flavored with lemon, with -a dose of oil cast upon its troubled waters.</p> - -<p>“Drink it at one swallow,” said he, presenting it to the smiling Bridget. -This she did, again thanking the gentlemanly clerk.</p> - -<p>“What are you waiting for?” he inquired, seeing that she still lingered.</p> - -<p>“I’m waitin’ for the caster ile, sir,” said the girl.</p> - -<p>“O! Why you have just taken it,” replied the soda-drug man.</p> - -<p>“Och! Murther! It was for a sick man I wanted it, an’ not meself at all.”</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 324px;"><img src="images/img010.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE WRONG PATIENT.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>While there have been great changes in the drug trade during the last -fifty years, necessary to the increasing demand for drugs, the -establishment of wholesale houses and some specialties, and in cities, the -substitution of cigars, soda water, patent medicines, etc., for groceries -and provisions, the dispensing apothecary is nearer to what he was -hundreds of years ago, as we asserted at the commencement of this chapter, -than any other professional we know of. The paraphernalia of the shop is -nearly the same. There is no improvement in pot, in jar, in tables, in -spatula; the old, ungainly mortar is not <i>substituted</i> by a mill; the -signs of ounces and drachms remain the same, though so near alike that -they are easily and often mistaken one for the other, and the prescription -before the dispenser is prefixed by a relic of the astrological symbol of -Jupiter,—“the god of medicine to the ancient Greeks and Egyptians,”—as a -species of superstitious invocation. In our largest cities even, in the -shop windows, the mammoth flashing blue bottles, “a relic of empiric -charlatanry,” still brighten our street corners, and frighten our horses -at night, as in the days of our forefathers.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>We intimated that “patent medicines” had added greatly to the trade. This -we shall treat of under its proper head. Many have arisen from penury to -affluence, from obscurity to renown, in the drug trade of later years; but -take away the tobacco trade, the soda fountain, and the outside patent -nostrums, and wherein would the apothecary now differ from his -predecessors?</p> - -<p>“The Yankees bate the divil for swallowing drugs,” said an Irishman.</p> - -<p>“A paddy will take nothing but castor oil,” replied the Yankee.</p> - -<p>Yankee or Irish, English or Scotch, French or German, they all rush to the -drug store for pills, for powder, for whiskey (?), for tobacco, for patent -medicines, and the druggists flourish.</p> - -<p>From the window near which I write this, I overlook a wholesale drug store -on a “retail street.” The front windows contain only <i>patent medicines</i>, -and the flashy signs that announce their virtues. Few prescriptions are -dispensed within. Before the door, piled nearly a story high, I have just -counted ninety-eight boxes, and some barrels. There are hundreds of these -drug houses scattered over this city; and every other city of America has -its quota.</p> - -<p>Yes, the Irishman had the right of it; “the Yankees <i>do</i> bate the divil -for swallowing drugs.” Further, it is my positive opinion that his -infernal majesty beats a good many of them by the encouragement of their -purchase; and, kind reader, if you have the ghost of a doubt of the truth -of our intimation, don’t, I pray, promulgate it, but, like a wise judge, -withhold your decision until the evidence is in; until you hear our -exposition of “patent medicines.”</p> - -<p>A patient comes to the city for the purpose of consulting some experienced -physician for a certain complaint. Probably he gets a prescription, with -instructions to go to a certain respectable druggist or apothecary in town -to have the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> necessary medicines put up. Of course a respectable physician -knows of a reliable apothecary. The patient, in nine cases out of ten, -desires to retain the prescription, and often does so. He goes to another -drug store, more convenient, for a second quantity of the same; and now -let me ask the patient,—no matter who or where he is,—did you ever get -the same kind of medicine, in <i>look</i>, color, quantity, and -taste,—all,—the second time, from the same prescription? I have often -heard the patient complain that he could not get the same put up at the -very store where he got the original prescription compounded.</p> - -<p>I once was called to visit a lady who was laboring under great -prostration; “sickness at the stomach,” with constipation.</p> - -<p>“What is the disease?” inquired the anxious husband, who had previously -employed two regular physicians for the case, and discharged them both.</p> - -<p>“Nux vomica,” was the reply.</p> - -<p>I gathered up three of the vials on the table, and, taking them to the -designated apothecary’s, I demanded the prescriptions corresponding with -the numbers on the vials. These were duplicates.</p> - -<p>He had made a mistake! that’s all. He had compounded an ounce of tincture -of nux instead of a drachm! Not that a drachm could be taken at a dose -with impunity; but whatever the dose was, the patient was continually -taking eight times as much as the physician intended to prescribe.</p> - -<p>Another reason of the failure of the prescribing physician meeting the -expectation anticipated, is the use of old and inert medicines.</p> - -<p>Where a man’s treasure is, his heart is also. An apothecary’s interest is -more in nostrums, tobacco, <i>soda</i>, etc., than in medicines; how, then, can -he follow the excellent advice of Dr. Bullyn, in article “14, that he -peruse often his wares, that they corrupt not.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span>But the greatest cheat is in the “substituting” business; the “<i>quid pro -quo</i>.” Horse aloes may be bought for ten cents a pound. Podophyllin costs -seventy-five cents an ounce. They each act as cathartic, and I have -detected the former put in place of the latter. How is the physician to -know the cheat? How is the patient to detect it? Perhaps the former -<i>stuff</i>—aloes—may have given the victim the hemorrhoids. One dose may be -quite sufficient to produce that distressing disease. This only calls for -another prescription! So it looks a deal like a “you tickle me, and I’ll -tickle you” profession, at best. Thus the patient becomes disgusted, and -resorts to our next—“Patent Medicines.”</p> - -<p>In closing this chapter on Apothecaries, I must relate a little scene to -which I was an eye-witness. Meantime, let me say to the “respectable -druggist,” Don’t be offended if I have slighted you by leaving you out, in -my description of the various kinds of apothecaries enumerated above. -There is a respectable class of druggists whom I have not mentioned, and -doubtless you belong to that order.</p> - -<p>On going home one evening, not long since, I observed several boys, loud -and boisterous, surrounding a lamp post. As I approached, I heard, among -the cries and vociferations,—</p> - -<p>“Howld to it, Jimmy; it’ll be the makin’ of ye.”</p> - -<p>I drew nearer, and discovered a sickly-looking lad leaning up against the -lamp post, with the stump of a cigar in his mouth, and a taller boy -endeavoring to hold him up by his jacket collar, while a short-set urchin -was stooping behind to assist in the task. They were evidently endeavoring -to teach “Jimmy” to smoke. The poor fellow was deathly sick, and faintly -begged to be let off.</p> - -<p>“O, no, no. Stick to it, Jimmy; it’ll be the makin’ of yese,” was -repeated.</p> - -<p>“Sure, ye’ll niver do for a <i>sample clark in a potecary shop</i>,” said -another, as he blew a cloud of smoke from his own cigar stump into the -pale face of the victim to modern accomplishments.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 393px;"><img src="images/img011.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span>“General Grant smokes, Jimmy, and you’ll never be a man if you don’t -learn,” added a voice minus the brogue.</p> - -<p>A policeman here interfered, and rescued the wretched “Jimmy.”</p> - -<p>“What is a sample clerk, my lad?” I asked of the boy who had used the -above expression.</p> - -<p>“O, sir, he’s the divil o’ the ’potecary shop; the lean, pimply-faced -urchin what tastes all the pizen drugs for the boss. If his constitution -is tough enough to stand it the first year, then they makes a clark of him -the nixt.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img012.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="III" id="III"></a>III.</h2> -<p class="title">PATENT MEDICINES</p> - -<p class="center">“Expunge the whole.”—<span class="smcap">Pope.</span><br /> -“These are terrible alarms to persons grown fat and wealthy.”—<span class="smcap">South.</span></p> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>PATENT MEDICINES.—HOW STARTED.—HOW MADE.—THE WAY IMMENSE FORTUNES -ARE REALIZED.—SPALDING’S GLUE.—SOURED SWILL.—SARSAPARILLA -HUMBUGS.—S. P. TOWNSEND.—“A DOWN EAST FARMER’S STORY.”—“WILD -CHERRY” EXPOSITIONS.—“CAPTAIN WRAGGE’S PILL” A FAIR SAMPLE OF THE -WHOLE.—HOW PILL SALES ARE STARTED.—A SLIP OF THE PEN.—“GRIPE -PILLS.”—SHAKSPEARE IMPROVED.—H. W. B. “FRUIT SYRUP.”—HAIR -TONICS.—A BALD BACHELOR’S EXPERIENCE.—A LUDICROUS STORY.—A WOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>In the former chapters are shown some of the causes which led to the -present immense <i>demand</i> for proprietary nostrums, or patent medicines. -The conflicting “<i>isms</i>” and “<i>opathies</i>” of the medical fraternity, their -quarrels and depreciations of one and another, their expositions of each -other’s weaknesses, frauds, and duplicities, disgusted the common people, -who finally resorted to the irregulars, to astrologers, and humbugs of -various pretensions, and to the few advertised nostrums of those earlier -periods.</p> - -<p>“While there is life there is hope,v and invalids would, and still -continue to seize upon almost any promised relief from present pain and -anticipated death. Speculative and unprincipled men have seldom been -wanting, at any period, to profit by this misfortune of their -fellow-creatures, and to play upon the credulity of the afflicted, by -offering various compounds warranted to restore them to perfect health. At -first such medicines were introduced by the owner going<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> about personally -and introducing them; subsequently, by employing equally unprincipled -parties, of either sex, to go in advance, and tell of the wonderful cures -that this particular nostrum had wrought upon them. And to listen to these -lauders, one would be led to suppose that they had been afflicted with all -the ills nameable, adapting themselves to the parties -addressed,—yesterday, the gout; to-day, consumption, etc.,—regardless of -truth or circumstance. The physician created the apothecary. The two -opened the way for the less principled patent medicine vender.</p> - -<p>“Are not physicians and apothecaries sometimes owners of patent -medicines?” is the inquiry raised. Yes, certainly; but the true physician, -or honorable apothecary, is then sunk in the nostrum manufacturer. Next we -have the mountebanks. These were attendant upon fairs and in the -marketplaces, who, mounted upon a bench,—hence the name,—cried the -marvellous virtues of the medicine, and, by the assistance of a <i>decoy</i> in -the crowd, often drove a lucrative business.</p> - -<p>Finally, upon the general introduction of printing, physician, apothecary, -mountebank, speculator, all seized upon the “power of the press,” to more -extensively introduce their “wonderful discoveries.”</p> - -<p>When you notice the name—and, O, ye gods, such names as are patched up to -attract your attention!—to a new medicine, systematically and extensively -advertised in every paper you chance to pick up, you wonder how any profit -can accrue to the manufacturer of the compound after paying such enormous -prices as column upon column in a thousand newspapers must necessarily -cost. “If the articles cost anything at the outset,” you go on to -philosophize, “how can the manufacturers or proprietors make enough profit -to pay for this colossal advertising?” The solution of the problem is -embodied in your inquiry. They cost nothing, or as near to nothing as -possible for worthless trash to cost.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> This is the secret of the fortunes -made in advertised medicines.</p> - -<p>When we <i>know</i> the complete worthlessness of the majority of the articles -that are placed before the public,—yea, their more than worthlessness, -for they are, many of them, highly injurious to the user,—the fact of -their enormous consumption is truly astonishing. The drug-swallowing -public has grown lean and poor in proportion as the manufacturers and -venders of these villanous compounds have grown fat and wealthy.</p> - -<p>Said the proprietor of “Coe’s Cough Balsam” and “Dyspepsia Cure” to the -author, “If you have got a <i>good</i> medicine, one of value, don’t put it -before the public. I can advertise <i>dish water</i>, and sell it, just as well -as an article of merit. It is all in the advertising.” As the above -preparations were advertised on every board fence, and in every newspaper -in New England at least, did his assertion imply that those articles were -mere “<i>dish water</i>”?</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Spalding’s Glue.</span>”</p> - -<p>I was informed by a Mr. Johnston, who engineered the advertising of the -preparation, that it cost but one eighth of a cent per bottle. If you want -to make a liquid glue, dissolve a quantity of common glue in water at -nearly boiling point, say one pound of glue to a gallon of water; add an -ounce or less of nitric acid to hold it in solution, and bottle. The more -glue, the stronger the preparation.</p> - -<p>The pain-killers and liniments are the most costly, on account of the -alcohol necessary to their manufacture; and, in fact, the principal item -of expense in all liquid medical articles put up for public sale, is in -the alcohol essential to their preservation against the extremes of heat -and cold to which they may be subjected.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Soured Swill.</span></p> - -<p>There is an article which “smells to heaven,” the acidiferous title of -which glares in mammoth letters from every road-side, wherein the -audacious proprietor obviates the necessity of alcohol for its preparation -or preservation. It is merely fermented slops—“dish water,” minus the -alcohol. Take a few handfuls of any bitter herbs, saturate them in any -dirty pond water,—say a barrel full,—add some nitric acid, and bottle, -without straining! Here you have <i>Vinegared Bitters</i>! The cheeky -proprietor informs the “ignorant public” that, “if the <i>medicine</i> becomes -sour (ferments), as it sometimes will, being its ‘nature so to do,’ it -does not detract from its medical virtues.” True, true! for it never -possessed “medical virtues.”</p> - -<p>The cost of this villanous decoction is <i>scarcely half a cent a bottle</i>! -Soured swill! It is recommended to cure fifty different complaints! It -sells to fools for “one dollar a bottle,” and will go through one like so -much quicksilver. “Try a bottle,” if you doubt it. The “dodge” is in -advertising it as a temperance bitter. Having no alcoholic properties, it -in no wise endangers the user in becoming addicted to <i>stimulants</i>.</p> - -<p>Sarsaparilla humbugs are only second to the above. But a few years since -an immense fortune was realized by a New York speculator in human flesh on -a “Sarsaparilla” which contained not one drop of that all but useless -medicine; nor did it possess any real medical properties whatever.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Down East Farmer’s Story.</span></p> - -<p>To illustrate this point, we introduce the following conversation between -the author and a “down east” farmer, in 1852:—</p> - -<p>“It’s all a humbug, is saxferilla!” exclaimed the old farmer, rapping his -fist “hard down on the old oaken table.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>“Why, no; not <i>all</i> sarsaparilla; you must admit—”</p> - -<p>“No difference. I tell you it’s a pesky humbug, all of it.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 354px;"><img src="images/img013.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“IT’S ALL A HUMBUG.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Withdrawing his tobacco pipe from his mouth, he laid it on the table, and -standing his thumb end on the board, as a “point of departure,” he turned -to me, and said,—</p> - -<p>“Why, in the medical books it has been analyzed, and they say it’s nothin’ -but sugar-house molasses, cheap whiskey, and a sprinkling of essence of -wintergreen and saxafras. Git the book, and see ‘Townsend’s Saxferilla,’ -and that is the article! But they are all alike. Let me tell you about the -great New York saxferilla speculation. One man, S. P. Townsend, started a -compound like this here—nothin’ but molasses and whiskey, and essence to -scent it nicely. When he had got it advertised from Texas to the Gut of -Canser (Canso, Provinces), from the Atlantic to the Specific, and was -about to make his fortune off on it, some<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> speculators see he was doin’ a -good thing, and, by zounds! they put their heads together, and their -dollars, to have a finger in the pie; and they done it. This is the way -they circumscribed him. They hired an old fellow,—I believe he was a -porter in a store when they found him,—named Jacob Townsend, and a right -rough old customer he was, all rags and dirt, hadn’t but one reliable eye, -and a regular old rumsucker.</p> - -<p>“Well, they fixed him up with a fine suit of clothes, and, by zounds! they -palmed him off for the original, Simon Pure saxferilla man. So they -advertised him as the real ginuine Townsend, and started a ‘saxferilla,’ -with his ugly old face on the bottles, and said that the other was -counterfeit, you see; and there he sat, with his one eye cocked on the -crowd of customers that crowded round to see the ginuine thing, you know. -So they blowed the other saxferilla as counterfeit, and finding in a store -a bottle or two that had <i>fomented</i>, they made a great noise about the -bogus saxferilla, ‘busting the bottles,’ and all that, and again asserting -that the Jacob Townsend was the true blue, Simon Pure; and it took, by -zounds! Yes, the public swallowed the lie, the saxferilla, old Jacob, and -all. I hearn that both the parties made a fortune on it.”</p> - -<p>Stopping to take a whiff at his neglected pipe, he resumed:—</p> - -<p>“Saxferilla is all a humbug!”</p> - -<p>S. P. Townsend, as is well known, amassed a fortune, at one time, on the -profits of the “sarsaparilla,” put up, as the reader may remember, in -huge, square, black bottles. The Boston Medical and Surgical Journal, Vol. -XL. p. 237, says, “Townsend’s Sarsaparilla, Albany, N. Y., in nearly black -bottles,” is “composed of molasses, extract of roots <i>or</i> barks (sassafras -bark is better than essence, because of body and color), and <i>probably</i> -senna and sarsaparilla. <span class="smcap">A. A. Hayes</span>, State Assayer.”</p> - -<p>The medical properties are all a <i>supposition</i>, even though<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> Dr. Hayes was -<i>hired</i> to give the analysis of it to the public, in the interest of the -proprietor, and consequently he would not detract from its <i>supposed</i> -merits.</p> - -<p>Pectorals, wild cherry preparations, etc., are cheaply made. Oil of -almonds produces the <i>cherry</i> flavor, <i>hydrocyanic acid</i> (prussic acid, a -virulent poison) and morphine, or opium, constitute the medical -properties. I have not examined the exception to the above.</p> - -<p><i>Pills.</i> The bitter and cathartic properties of nearly every pill in the -market,—advertised preparation,—whether “mandrake,” “liver,” -“vegetable,” or what else, are made up from aloes, the coarsest and -cheapest of all bitter cathartics. One is as good as another. You pay your -money, however; you can take your choice.</p> - -<p>One holds the ascendency in proportion to the money or cheek invested by -the owner in its introduction. A great Philadelphia pill, now sold in all -the drug stores of America, was introduced by the following “dodge”: The -owner began small. He took his pills to the druggists, and, as he could -not sell an unknown and unadvertised patent pill, he left a few boxes on -commission. He then sent round and bought them up. Their ready sale -induced the druggists to purchase again, for cash. The proprietor invested -the surplus cash in advertising their “rapid sale,” as well as their “rare -virtues,” and by puffing, and a little more buying up, he got them -started. He necessarily must keep them advertised, or they would become a -<i>drug</i> in market.</p> - -<p>Wilkie Collins, Esq., in “No Name,” has the best written description of -the <i>modus operandi</i> of keeping a “pill before the people,” and I cannot -refrain from quoting Captain Wragge to Magdalen in this connection.</p> - -<p>“My dear girl, I have been occupied, since we last saw each other, in -slightly modifying my old professional habits. I have shifted from moral -agriculture to medical agriculture. Formerly I preyed on the public -sympathy; now I prey on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> the public’s stomach. Stomach and sympathy, -sympathy and stomach. The founders of my fortune are three in number: -their names are Aloes, Scammony, and Gamboge. In plainer words, I am now -living—on a pill! I made a little money, if you remember, by my friendly -connection with you. I made a little more by the happy decease -(<i>Requiescat in pace</i>) of that female relative of Mrs. Wragge’s. Very -good! What do you think I did? I invested the whole of my capital, at one -fell swoop, in advertising a pill, and purchased my drugs and pill boxes -on credit. The result is before you. Here I am, a grand financial fact, -with my clothes positively paid for, and a balance at my banker’s; with my -servant in livery, and my gig at the door; solvent, popular, and all on a -pill!”</p> - -<p>Magdalen smiled.</p> - -<p>“It’s no laughing matter for the public, my dear; they can’t get rid of me -and my pill; they must take us. There is not a single form of appeal in -the whole range of human advertisement which I am not making to the -unfortunate public at this moment. Hire the last novel—there I am inside -the covers of the book; send for the last song—the instant you open the -leaves I drop out of it; take a cab—I fly in at the windows in red; buy a -box of tooth-powders at the chemists—I wrap it up in blue; show yourself -at the theatre—I flutter down from the galleries in yellow. The mere -titles of my advertisements are quite irresistible. Let me quote a few -from last week’s issue. Proverbial title: ‘A pill in time saves nine.’ -Familiar title: ‘Excuse me, how is your stomach?’ Patriotic title: ‘What -are the three characteristics of a true-born Englishman?—his hearth, his -home, and his pill;’ etc.</p> - -<p>“The place in which I make my pill is an advertisement in itself. I have -one of the largest shops in London. Behind the counter, visible to the -public through the lucid medium of plate glass, are four and twenty young -men, in white aprons, making the pill. Behind another, four and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> twenty -making the boxes. At the bottom of the shop are three elderly accountants, -posting the vast financial transactions accruing from the pill, in three -enormous ledgers. Over the door are my name, portrait, and autograph, -expanded to colossal proportions, and surrounded, in flowing letters, the -motto of the establishment: ‘<span class="smcap">Down with the Doctors</span>.’ Mrs. Wragge -contributes her quota to this prodigious enterprise. She is the celebrated -woman whom I have cured of indescribable agonies, from every complaint -under the sun. Her <i>portrait</i> is engraved on all the wrappers, with the -following inscription: ‘Before she took the pill,’ etc.”</p> - -<p>[In this country we are familiar with the ghostly looking picture of a -man, the said proprietor of a medicine, “before he took the pill” (aloes), -and “after;” the “after” being represented by a ridiculous extreme of -muscular and adipose tissue.]</p> - -<p>“Captain Wragge’s” is the style in which most medicines are placed before -the public. We take up our morning journal: its columns are crowded by -patent medicine advertisements. We turn in disgust from their glaring -statements, and attempt to read a news item. We get half through, and find -we are sold into reading a puff for the same trashy article. We take a -horse-car for up or down town, and opposite, in bold and variegated -letters, the persistent remedy (?) stares you continually in the face. We -enter the post office: the lobbies are employed for the exposition, -perhaps sale, of the patent medicines. We open our box: “O, we’ve a large -mail to-day!” we exclaim; when, lo! half of the envelopes contain patent -medicine advertisements, which have been run through the post office into -every man’s box in the department. And so it goes all day. We breakfast on -aloes, dine on quassia, sup on logwood and myrrh, and sleep on morphine -and prussic acid!</p> - -<p>“The humors of the press” sometimes inadvertently tell you the truth -respecting this or that remedy advertised in their columns.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span>A religious newspaper before me says of a proprietary medicine, -“Advertised in another column of our paper: It is a <i>hell-deserving</i> -article.” Probably the copy read, “Well-deserving article.”</p> - -<p>Said a certain paper, “A correspondent, whose duty it was to ‘read up’ the -religious weeklies, has concluded that the reason of those journals -devoting so much space to patent medicine announcements is, ‘that the -object of religion and quackery are similar—both prepare us for another -and better world.’”</p> - -<p>The proprietor of a pill,—not Captain Wragge,—threatened recently to -prosecute a New Hampshire newspaper publisher for a puff of his “Gripe -Pills.”</p> - -<p>As every fool, as well as some wise people, read the “personals” in the -papers, an occasional notice of a tooth-paste, bitter, or tonic is -inserted therein, thus:—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">Augustus Apolphus</span>: I will deceive you no longer. My conscience -upbraids me. Those pearly white teeth you so much admire are false! -false! They were made by Dr. Grinder, dentist. I use Dr. Scourer’s -tooth-paste, which keeps them clean and white. ‘O, how sharper than a -serpent’s thanks it is to have a toothless child.’</p> - -<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">Susan Jane.</span>”</span></p></div> - -<p>Great and public men are sometimes induced or inveigled into recommending -a patent medicine. In London, one Joshua Ward, a drysalter, of Thames -Street, about the year 1780, introduced a pill, composed of the usual -ingredients,—aloes and senna,—which, owing to some benefit he was -supposed to have derived from their use, Lord Chief Baron Reynolds was led -to praise in the highest terms. The result of this high dignitary’s -patronage was to give prominence to Ward and his pills, which subsequently -sold for the fabulous price of 2s. 6d. a pill! General Churchill added his -praise, and Ward was called as a physician to prescribe for the king. -Either in consequence, or in spite of the treatment, the royal malady -disappeared, and Ward was <i>re</i>warded with a solemn vote of the House of -Commons protecting him from<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> the interdiction of the College of -Physicians. In addition to the liberal fee, he asked for and obtained the -privilege of driving his carriage through St. James Park! Notwithstanding -the pill, Reynolds died of his disease not long afterwards.</p> - -<p>Henry Fielding subscribed to the wonderful efficacy of “Tar Water,” a -nostrum of his day, but died of the disease for which it was recommended.</p> - -<p>Some time prior to 1780 there was published in the newspapers a list of -the patent nostrums, or advertised remedies, in London, which numbered -upwards of two hundred.</p> - -<p>Now there are known, in the United States alone, to be upwards of three -hundred differently named hair preparations.</p> - -<p>Dr. Head, of whom we have made mention, “realized large sums from -worthless quack nostrums,” while at the same time another popular -physician, with a Cambridge (England) diploma in his office, was -proprietor of a “gout mixture,” which sold at the shops for two shillings -a bottle.</p> - -<p>Some of these shameless scoundrels, owners of advertised nostrums, with -little or no sense of honor, have published the recommendations of great -men, without the knowledge or permission of the parties whose names were -so falsely affixed to their worthless stuff. A New York quack recently -used the name of Henry Ward Beecher in this manner. Mr. Beecher published -him as a thief and forger of his name, which only served to bring the -doctor (?) into universal notice. Only to-day I read his impudent -advertisement in a newspaper, with Mr. Beecher’s name affixed as -reference. If you prosecute one of the villains for issuing false -certificates, even for forging your own name, it does him no great injury, -you get no satisfaction, and in the end it only serves to call public -attention to a worthless article, thereby increasing its sale.</p> - -<p>In the London <i>Medical Journal</i> of 1806, Dr. Lettsom attacked and exposed -a “nervous cordial,” stating that it was a deleterious article; “that it -had killed its thousands;”<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> and further asserted that Brodum, its -proprietor, was a Jewish knave, having been a bootblack in Copenhagen, and -a wholesale murderer. Brodum at once brought an action against the -proprietor of the <i>Journal</i>, laying the damages at twenty-five thousand -dollars. Brodum held the advantage, and the <i>Journal</i> proprietor asked for -terms of settlement. Brodum’s terms were not modest. He, through his -attorney, agreed to withdraw the action provided the name of the author -was revealed, and that he should whitewash the quack in the next number of -the <i>Journal</i>, over the same signature! Dr. Lettsom consented to these -terms, paid the lawyers’ bills and costs, amounting to three hundred and -ninety pounds, and wrote the required puff of Brodum and his nostrum.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Soothing Syrups</span>, nervous cordials, etc., owe their soothing properties to -opium, or its salt—morphine.</p> - -<p>From “<span class="smcap">Opium and the Opium Appetite</span>,” by Alonzo Calkins, M. D., we are -informed that an article sold as “Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup,” for -children teething, contains nearly <i>one grain of the alkaloid</i> (morphine) -<i>to each ounce of the syrup</i>! Taking one teaspoonful as the dose (that is, -one drachm), and there being eight drachms to the ounce, consequently -about one eighth of a grain of morphine is given to an infant at a dose! -Do you wonder it gives him a <i>quietus</i>? Do you wonder that the mortality -among children is greatly on the increase? that so many of the darling, -helpless little innocents die from dropsy, brain fever, epileptic fits, -and the like?</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Fruit Syrups for Soda Water.</span></p> - -<p>Perhaps you take yours “plain.” No! Then you may want to know how the pure -fruit syrup, which sweetens and flavors the soda, is made. The “soda” -itself is a very harmless article.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Butyric Ether</span> is usually taken for a basis. Butyric ether is manufactured -from rancid butter, old rotten cheese, or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> Limburger cheese. The latter is -the “loudest,” and affords the best flavor to the ether. The cheese is -treated with sulphuric acid. Old leather is known to give it a -particularly fine flavor. Any old boots and shoes will answer.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pineapple Syrup</span> is made from butyric and formic ether. The latter is -manufactured from soap or glycerine. Sulphuric acid and red ants will do -as well.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Strawberry</span> is made of twelve parts of butyric ether and one of acetic -ether, alcohol, and water. Color with cochineal—a bug of the tick -species, from Mexico. Sometimes a little real strawberry is added, but it -is not deemed essential.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Raspberry</span> is made from the same articles. If convenient, the druggist adds -a little raspberry jam or syrup. If not, color a little deeper, add some -strawberry, and change the label to raspberry.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Vanilla Syrup</span> is made of Tonqua beans, such as boys sell on the street.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Peach</span> is made from bitter almonds. <span class="smcap">Wild Cherry</span> the same.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Nectar</span> is formed by a compound of various syrups and Madeira wine. You can -easily make the Madeira of neutral spirits, sugar, raisins, and logwood to -color it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Sarsaparilla.</span> Take the cheapest and nastiest molasses obtainable. Strain -it to remove dead bees, sticks, cockroaches, etc. Flavor with essence -sassafras and wintergreen. Little extract sarsaparilla will do no harm if -added to the mixture. It is very harmless.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lemon</span> is made of citric acid and sugar.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Coffee</span> is made mostly of chiccory, burnt livers, sometimes a little coffee -bean. Horses’ livers are said to be the best, giving it a <i>racy</i> flavor, -and more <i>body</i>.</p> - -<p>“They are all very good,” the vender tells you; he takes his plain, -however. You see how much cheaper these are than the <i>real</i> fruit syrup -itself; and as neither you nor I can tell the difference by <i>taste</i>, what -inducement has the dealer in soda water to use the costlier articles?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span>I have a friend who sells the “pure syrups,” and I presume the reader has -also; but I respectfully decline drinking soda water with “pure fruit -syrups.”</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="center">POISONOUS HAIR TONICS AND COSMETICS.</p> - -<p>Extract from the report of Professor C. F. Chandler, Ph. D., chemist -to the Metropolitan Board of Health. This report, which presents the -results of the examination of a few of the articles in general use, -was printed in full in the Chemical News (American reprint) for May, -1870. We present the following list of dangerous preparations, which -gives the number of grains of lead, etc., in one fluid ounce.</p> - -<p class="center">I. <span class="smcap">Hair Tonics, Washes, and Restoratives.</span></p> -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td> </td> - <td> </td> - <td><span class="spacer"> </span></td> - <td align="center">Grains of lead in<br />one fluid ounce.</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">1.</td> - <td>Clark’s Distilled Restorative for the Hair,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">0.11</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">2.</td> - <td>Chevalier’s Life for the Hair,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">1.02</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">3.</td> - <td>Circassian Hair Rejuvenator,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">2.71</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">4.</td> - <td>Ayer’s Hair Vigor,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">2.89</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">5.</td> - <td>Professor Wood’s Hair Restorative,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">3.08</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">6.</td> - <td>Dr. J. J. O’Brien’s Hair Restorer, America,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">3.28</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">7.</td> - <td>Gray’s Celebrated Hair Restorative,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">3.39</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">8.</td> - <td>Phalon’s Vitalia,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">4.69</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">9.</td> - <td>Ring’s Vegetable Ambrosia,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">5.00</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">10.</td> - <td>Mrs. S. A. Allen’s World’s Hair Restorer,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">5.57</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">11.</td> - <td>L. Knittel’s Indian Hair Tonique,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">6.29</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">12.</td> - <td>Hall’s Vegetable Sicilian Hair Renewer,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">7.13</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">13.</td> - <td>Dr. Tebbet’s Physiological Hair Regenerator,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">7.44</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">14.</td> - <td>Martha Washington Hair Restorative,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">9.80</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">15.</td> - <td>Singer’s Hair Restorative,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center"><span style="margin-left: -.5em;">16.39</span></td></tr></table> - -<p class="center">II. <span class="smcap">Lotions or Washes for the Complexion.</span></p> - -<p class="center"><i>Perry’s Moth and Freckle Lotion.</i></p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>Mercury in solution,</td> - <td>2.67</td> - <td>gr.</td> - <td rowspan="2" valign="middle"><span class="large">}</span></td> - <td rowspan="2" valign="middle">equiv. to</td> - <td rowspan="2" valign="middle"><span class="large">{</span></td> - <td>Corrosive Sub.,</td> - <td>3.61</td> - <td>gr.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Zinc in solution,</td> - <td>0.99</td> - <td align="center">"</td> - <td>Sulphate of Zinc,</td> - <td>4.25</td> - <td align="center">"</td></tr></table> - -<p class="center">The sediment contains mercury, lead, and bismuth.</p> - -<p class="center">III. <span class="smcap">Enamels for the Skin.</span></p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td> </td> - <td><span class="spacer"> </span></td> - <td colspan="2" align="center">Grains of lead in one fluid<br />ounce, after shaking.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Eugenie’s Favorite,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">108.94</td> - <td>grains.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Phalon’s Snow-white Enamel,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">146.28</td> - <td><span style="margin-left: 1em;">"</span></td></tr> -<tr><td>Phalon’s Snow-white Oriental Cream,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center">190.99</td> - <td><span style="margin-left: 1em;">"</span></td></tr></table> - -<p><span class="smcap">Conclusion.</span>—It appears from the foregoing,—</p> - -<p>1. The <span class="smcap">Hair Tonics</span>, <span class="smcap">Washes</span>, and <span class="smcap">Restoratives</span> contain lead in -considerable quantities; that they owe their action to this metal, and -that they are consequently highly dangerous to the health of persons -using them.</p> - -<p>2. With a single exception, Perry’s Moth and Freckle Lotion, the -<span class="smcap">Lotions</span> for the skin are free from lead and other injurious metals.</p> - -<p>3. That the <span class="smcap">Enamels</span> are composed of either carbonate of lime, oxide of -zinc, or carbonate of lead, suspended in water. The first two classes -of enamels are comparatively harmless; as harmless as any other white -dirt, when plastered over the skin to close the pores and prevent its -healthy action. On the other hand, the enamels composed of carbonate -of lead are highly dangerous, and their use is very certain to produce -disastrous results to those who patronize them.</p></div> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Hair Restoratives: A Bald Bachelor’s Experience.</span></p> - -<p>A gentleman of perhaps thirty-five years of age once called upon the -writer for advice relative to baldness, when he related the following -experience, permitting me to make a note of it at leisure.</p> - -<p>“In 1865 my friends intimated to me that my hair was getting slightly thin -on the crown of my head. I have always had a mortal terror of being bald, -and daily examinations convinced me that my fears were about to be -realized. My first inquiry was for a remedy.</p> - -<p>“‘What shall I do to prevent its falling out?’ I nervously inquired.</p> - -<p>“‘Get a bottle of Dr. ——’s Hair Restorative,’ one advised; another, some -different preparation,—all advertised remedies,—till I had a list a yard -long of various washes, preventives, restorers, etc., <i>ad infinitum</i>.</p> - -<p>“I obtained one of <i>the very best</i>. I used it as directed. It <i>stuck</i> as -though its virtue consisted in sticking the loose hairs firmly to the -firmer-rooted ones. But alas! after a month’s trial, sufficient hair had -come out of my head to make a respectable <i>chignon</i>!</p> - -<p>“I next got some of Mrs. A. S. S. Allon’s—or All—something; I forget the -rest of the name; I’m sure of the A. S. S., however,—and that was worse -than the <i>gum-stick-’em</i> kind, for the hair came out faster than before.</p> - -<p>“In despair, I applied to a ‘respectable apothecary,’ who keeps the next -corner drug store. ‘For God’s sake, Mr. Bilious, have you got any good -preventive for falling of the hair?’ I exclaimed.</p> - -<p>“‘O, yes, just the article,’ he replied, rubbing his palms vigorously. He -then showed me his stock, consisting of <i>thirty-nine different kinds</i>!</p> - -<p>“‘All very good—highly recommended,’ he remarked, with commendable -impartiality.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span>“I selected one—with rather an ominous name, I -admit:—<i>Kat-hair-on</i>!—preferring cat’s hair to none.</p> - -<p>“I used the Kathairon according to directions.”</p> - -<p>“‘Did the cat’s hair grow?’ I anxiously inquired.</p> - -<p>“‘Neither cat’s hair nor human hair.’ No. Worse and worse. I was about to -abandon all effort, when, stopping on a corner to get a young boot-black -to shine my boots, preparatory to making a call on a lady acquaintance, -before whom I was desirous of making a genteel appearance, a dirty, ragged -little urchin peered around the block, and exclaimed, ‘O, mister, you’re -barefooted on top o’ yer head!’ I had inadvertently removed my hat, to -wipe my forehead.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 305px;"><img src="images/img014.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“BAREFOOTED ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“This was the last feather. Though coming from but a dirty boot-black, it -stung me to the marrow. I kicked over the boy, box, blacking, and all, and -rushed into the nearest drug shop. I bought another new hair preparation. -Another ominous name—‘<i>Bare-it</i>!’</p> - -<p>“This I also used, as directed on the label, for a month.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> ‘I think,’ I -said, ‘if I use it a second month, it will entirely <i>bare it</i>!’</p> - -<p>“I bought a wig, and had my head shaved. I didn’t lock myself up in a -coal-cellar, or hide under a tub, like Diogenes, but I felt that I would -have gladly done either, to hide myself from the eyes of the world. The -girls all cast shy glances at me as they passed; as though the majority of -<i>them</i> did not wear false hair!</p> - -<p>“In utter desperation, I visited a dermatologist. What a name to make hair -grow! Well, he examined my scalp with a microscope, and said the hair -could be made to grow anew. ‘I discover myriads of germs, which only -require the right treatment in order to spring up in an exuberant crop of -wavy tresses.’ I bought his preparations. Bill, thirty-eight dollars. They -were worthless.</p> - -<p>“Soon after this failure, I heard of a new remedy—‘a sure cure.’ The -proprietor possessed a world-wide reputation, from the manufacture of -various other remedies for nearly all diseases to which we poor mortals -are subject, and there might be something in this. It was recommended to -cure baldness, and restore gray hair to its natural color. I would go and -see the proprietor of this excellent hair restorer. I hastened to Lowell. -I was ushered into the doctor’s sanctum—into the very presence of this -Napoleon of medicine-makers, the Alexander of conquered worlds—of medical -prejudices!</p> - -<p>“With hat in hand, I bowed low to the great Doctor Hair—or hair doctor. -He beheld my veneration for himself. With a practised eye, he noted my -genteel apparel. Flattered by my obeisance, and not to be outdone in -politeness, he arose, removed his tile, and bowed equally low in return to -my profound salutation, when lo! <i>O tempora! O mores!</i> he was both bald -and gray! I retired without specifying the object of my visit.”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.</span></p> - -<p>When a man tells you, point blank, that he is selling an article for the -profit of it, believe him; but when he asserts that he is advertising and -offering a remedy solely for the public good, for the benefit of suffering -humanity, he is a liar. Beware of such.</p> - -<p>Furthermore, when he publishes an advertisement in every paper in the -land, announcing that himself having been miraculously or “providentially” -cured of a <i>variety</i> of diseases by a certain compound, the <i>prescription</i> -for which he will send free to any address, you should hesitate, until -satisfied of the disinterestedness of the party, and meantime ask yourself -the following question: “Provided this be true, why don’t the unparalleled -benevolent gentleman <i>publish the recipe</i>, which would cost so much less -than this persistent advertising ‘that he will send it to any requiring -it’? And you are next led to ask,—</p> - -<p>“Where is the ‘dodge’? For money is what he is after.”</p> - -<p>A reverend (?), a scoundrel, a “wolf in sheep’s clothing,” advertises in -nearly every paper you chance to notice, especially <i>religious</i> -newspapers, a remedy he discovered while a missionary to some foreign -country, that cured him of a <i>variety</i> of diseases, the recipe for which -medicine he will send to any address, <i>free of charge</i>.</p> - -<p>“Here is the ‘<i>Old Sands of Life</i>’ dodge,” I said, “which I had the -satisfaction of exposing fourteen years ago.”</p> - -<p>The reader may recollect the advertisement of “A Retired Physician, -seventy-five years of age, whose sands of life had nearly run out,” who -advertised so extensively a remedy which cured his daughter, etc., which -remedy he would send <i>free</i>, to the afflicted, on application.</p> - -<p>I investigated his “little fraud.” I found, instead of an old man -“seventy-five years of age,” a young man of about twenty-eight or thirty. -He was no reverend. He had no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> daughter. He was a tall, gaunt, profane, -tobacco-chewing, foul-mouthed fellow, with a bad impediment in his speech -from loss of palate, whose name <i>was</i> Oliver Phipps Brown, a printer by -trade, who formerly worked as journeyman in the <i>Courant</i> office, -Hartford, Conn. The police finally got hold of him, and broke up the -swindle.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img015.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">OLD “SANDS OF LIFE.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Here is now a parallel case. The above <i>reverend</i> says he will send the -recipe free. I directed my student to write for it. The recipe came, with -various articles named therein, supposed to be the Latin names of plants. -I assert that there are no such medicines in the Materia Medica, or the -world. The <i>reverend</i> don’t want that there should be. Why? Because you -would not then send to him for his “Compound.”</p> - -<p>He sends with his recipe a circular, in which he gives you the history of -<i>his marvellous discovery</i>. Further along, by some oversight, he says it -was made known to him through a physician!</p> - -<p>The names are bogus. The whole remedy is a humbug. There are names in it -as <i>species</i> which sound something like some medical term; and the -druggist may be deceived thereby. The reverend quack, foreseeing “the -difficulty in obtaining the articles in their purity at any druggist’s,” -advises you to send to him for them. Do you begin to see the <i>dodge</i>? He -“will furnish it at <i>cost</i>.” Only think! How benevolent! “My means<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> make -me independent.” Think again. An invalid from boyhood, his time and means -exhausted in travelling “in Europe two years,” and was only “sent a -missionary (?) through the kindness of friends,” he assures us in his -circular. Here he <i>discovered through an old physician</i>—surely a new mode -of discovery—this wonderful compound, which cured him in “six weeks,” and -forthwith, in gratitude, he proceeded to New York, and began putting up -this marvellous remedy “<i>at cost</i>.”</p> - -<p>Let us examine the article sold for three dollars and a half a small -package. Dr. Hall, of the “Journal of Health,” examined the article which -“Old Sands of Life” sold as <i>Canabis Indica</i>, and found the cost “<i>but -sixteen cents, bottle and all</i>.” Nevertheless, “The Retired Physician” -sold it to his dupes for two dollars. I do not hesitate to say that the -above compound cost even <i>less than sixteen cents a package</i>.</p> - -<p>“But,” said a gentleman to me, “he is connected with the Bible House. Here -is his address: ‘Station D, Bible House, New York.’”</p> - -<p>“There is a post-station by that name. Suppose I should give an address, -‘34 Museum Building.’ Would that imply that I was a play-actor, or owner -of the Museum?” I replied.</p> - -<p>“Then it is only another ‘Reverend’ dodge—is it?” he asked.</p> - -<p>“Precisely; it is to give character to his characterless address.”</p> - -<p>“Don’t the newspaper publishers know it is a swindle?” he suggested.</p> - -<p>“There’s not the least doubt that they know it.”</p> - -<p>“Then hereafter I shall have little faith in the religion or honesty of -the newspaper that publishes such swindling advertisements.”</p> - -<p>“Admitting that they know the dishonesty of the thing,—and how can any -man endowed with common sense but see<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> that there is <i>swindle</i> on the face -of it?—the publisher of that advertisement is a <i>particeps criminis</i> in -the transaction.”</p> - -<p>“Why don’t some of the thousand victims who have been swindled into buying -this worthless stuff expose him?”</p> - -<p>“In exposing the <i>reverend wolf</i>, don’t you see they would expose their -own weakness? This is the reason of the fellow’s selecting the peculiar -class of diseases as curable by his great discovery. The poor sufferer -does not wish the community to know that he is afflicted by such a -disease.”</p> - -<p>“It is truly a great dodge; and no doubt the knave has found fools enough -to make him ‘<i>independent</i>.’”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><span class="smcap">Rules.</span> 1. Take no patent or advertised medicines at all. They are of no -earthly use! You never require them, as they are not conducive to your -health, happiness, or longevity.</p> - -<p>There are physicians who can cure every disease that flesh is heir -to—<i>excepting one</i>.</p> - -<p>2. Apply in your need only to a respectable physician.</p> - -<p>3. Give your preference to such as administer the smallest quantities of -medicine—<i>and are successful in their practice</i>.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>I have barely begun to exhaust the material I have been years collecting -for this chapter; but I must desist, to give room for other important -expositions.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img016.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="IV" id="IV"></a>IV.</h2> -<p class="title">MANUFACTURED DOCTORS.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>“One says, ‘I’m not of any school;<br /> -No living master gives me rule;<br /> -Nor do I in the old tracks tread;<br /> -I scorn to learn aught from the dead.’<br /> -Which means, if I am not mistook,<br /> -‘I am an ass on my own hook.’”</td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>A BOSTON BARBER AS M. D.—A BARBER “GONE TO POT.”—FOOLS MADE -DOCTORS.—BAKERS.—BARBERS.—“A LUCKY DOG.”—TINKERS.—ROYAL -FAVORS.—“LITTLE CARVER DAVY.”—A BUTCHER’S BLOCKHEAD.—A SWEEPING -VISIT.—HOP-PED FROM OBSCURITY.—PEDAGOGUES TURN -DOCTORS.—ARBUTHNOT.—“A QUAKER.”—“WALKS OFF ON HIS EAR.”—WEAVERS -AND BASKET-MAKERS.—A TOUGH PRINCE; REQUIRED THREE M. D.’S TO KILL -HIM.—MARAT A HORSE DOCTOR.—A MERRY PARSON.—BLACK MAIL.—POLICE AS A MIDWIFE, ETC., ETC.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>“Every man is either a physician or a fool at forty,” says the old -proverb.</p> - -<p>“May not a man be both?” suggested Canning, in the presence of a circle of -friends, before whom Sir Henry Halford happened to quote the old saying.</p> - -<p>“There is generally a fool in every family, whom the parents select at -once for a priest or a physician,” said Peter Pindar. He was good -authority.</p> - -<p>I am of the opinion that there are many whose mental capacity has been -overrated, who have made doctors of themselves; but we are not to treat of -fools in this chapter, but of men whom <i>circumstances</i> have created -physicians, and of men who, in spite of circumstances of birth or -education, have made themselves doctors.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span>In the choice of a trade or profession, every young man should weigh -carefully his natural capacity to the pursuit selected. His parents or -guardians should consult the youth’s adaptability rather than their own -convenience. How many have dragged out a miserable existence by ill choice -of a calling! Men who were destined by nature to be wood-sawyers and -diggers of trenches, are found daily taking upon themselves the immense -responsibility of teaching those whose mental calibre is far above their -own, or assuming the greater responsibility of administering to the -afflicted.</p> - -<p>If a man finds himself adapted to a higher calling than that originally -selected for him by his friends, by all means let him “come up higher;” -but too many by far have changed from a trade to a profession to which -they had no adaptability.</p> - -<p>So we find men in the medical profession who were better as they -were,—bakers, barbers, butchers, tailors, tinkers, pedagogues, cobblers, -horse doctors, etc., etc.</p> - -<p>There used to be a fish-peddler going about Boston, blowing a fish-horn, -and crying his “fresh cod an’ haddock,” who, getting tired of that loud -crying and loud smelling occupation, took to blowing his horn for his -“wonderful discovery” of a “pasture weed,” which cured every humor but a -thundering humor (one can see the humor of the joke), and every eruption -since the eruption of Hecla in 1783,—which is a pity that he had not made -his discovery in time to have tried it on old Hecla’s back when it was up.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Barbers as Doctors.</span></p> - -<p>A barber of Boston, accidentally overhearing a gentleman mention a certain -remedy for the “barber’s itch,” seized upon the idea of speculating upon -it, and at once sold out his shop, made up the ointment, clapped M. D. to -his name, put out his circulars, and is now seeking whom he may devour, as -a physician.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span>With the looseness of morals and the laxity of our laws, one of these -fellows “can make a doctor as quick as a tinker can make a tin kettle.”</p> - -<p>Probably more barbers have become doctors than any other artisans, for the -reason that barbers were formerly nearly the only acknowledged -“blood-letters.” In the earlier days of Abernethy, barber surgeons were -recognized, and the great doctor said of himself, “I have often doffed my -hat to those fellows, with a razor between their teeth and a lancet in -their hands.” Doubtless some of them arrived to usefulness in the -profession. Dr. Ambrose Paré, a French barber surgeon, was called the -father of French surgery, and enjoyed the confidence of Charles IX. An -eminent surgeon of London was Mr. Pott. He was contemporary with Dr. -Hunter, and gave lectures at St. Bartholomew Hospital in Hunter’s -presence. Some person asking a wag one day where Dr. Hunter was, he -replied that, “with barber surgeons he <i>had gone to pot</i>.”</p> - -<p>This alliance of surgery and shaving, to say nothing of other -qualifications with which they were sometimes associated, conceivably -enough furnished some pretext for apprenticeships, since Dickey Gossip’s -definition of</p> - -<p class="poem">“Shaving and tooth-drawing,<br /> -Bleeding, cabbaging, and sawing,”</p> - -<p>was by no means always sufficiently comprehensive to include the -multifarious accomplishments of “the doctor.” “I have seen,” says Dr. -Macillwain, of England, “within twenty-five years, chemist, druggist, -surgeon, apothecary, and the significant, ‘&c.,’ followed by hatter, -hosier, and linen draper, all in one establishment.”</p> - -<p>I saw in New Hampshire, in 1864, doctor, barber, and apothecary -represented by one man.</p> - -<p>William Butts, another barber surgeon of London, was called to attend -Henry VIII., and was rewarded for his <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span>professional services with the -honor of knighthood in 1512. Another, who was knighted by Henry VIII., was -John Ayliffe, a sheriff, formerly a merchant of Blackwell Hall.</p> - -<p>Royalty had a chronic habit of knighting quacks. Queen Anne became so -charmed by a tailor, who had turned doctor, and who, by some hook or -crook, was called to prescribe for the queen’s weak eyes, that she had him -sworn in, with another knave, as her own oculist. “This lucky gentleman,” -says a reliable author, “was William Reade, a botching tailor of Grub -Street, London. To the very last he was a great ignoramus, as a work -entitled ‘A Short and Exact Account of all Diseases Incident to the Eyes,’ -attests; yet he rose to knighthood, and the most lucrative and fashionable -practice of the period.” Reade (<i>Sir William</i>) was unable to read the book -he had published (written by an <i>amanuensis</i>); nevertheless, aristocracy, -and wise and worthy people at that, who listened to his dignified voice, -viewed his pompous person, encased in rich garments, and adorned with -jewelry and lace ruffles, <i>cap-a-pie</i>, resting his chin upon his enormous -gold-headed cane, as, reclining in his splendid coach, drawn by a span of -superb blood horses, up to St. James, considered him the most learned and -eminent physician of that generation.</p> - -<p>In the British Museum is deposited a copy of a poem to the great oculist. -This poem Reade himself had written, at the hand of a penny-a-liner, a -“poet of Grub Street,” immediately after he was knighted, which has been -mainly instrumental in handing his name down to posterity.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Tinker as Doctor.</span></p> - -<p>About the year 1705, one Roger Grant rose into public notice in London, by -his publication of his own “marvellous cures.” This fellow was no fool, -though a great knave. He was formerly a travelling tinker, subsequently a -cobbler, and Anabaptist preacher. From tinkering of pots, he became<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> -mender of soles of men’s boots and shoes; thence saver of souls from -perdition, a tinkerer of sore eyes, and lightener of the body. The -following bit of poetry was written in 1708 for his benefit, the “picture” -being one which Grant, who was a very vain man, had gotten up from a -copperplate likeness of himself, to distribute among his friends. The -picture was found posted up conspicuously with the lines:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“A tinker first, his scene of life began;<br /> -That failing, he set up for a cunning man;<br /> -But, wanting luck, puts on a new disguise,<br /> -And now pretends that he can cure your eyes.<br /> -But this expect, that, like a tinker true,<br /> -Where he repairs one eye, he puts out two.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 401px;"><img src="images/img017.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE EYE DOCTOR.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>He worked himself into notoriety by the publication, in pamphlet form, of -his cures,—a mixture of truth strongly spiced with falsehood,—and -scattering it over the community. “His plan was to get hold of some poor, -ignorant person, of imperfect vision, and, after treating him with -medicine and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> half-crowns for a few weeks, induce him to sign a -testimonial, which he probably had never read, that he was born blind, and -by the providential intervention of Dr. Grant, he had been entirely -restored. To this certificate the clergyman and church-wardens of the -parish, in which the patient had been known to wander in mendicancy, were -asked to attest; and if they proved impregnable to the cunning -representations of the importunate solicitors, and declined to sign the -certificate, the doctor did not scruple to save them that trouble by -signing their names himself.”</p> - -<p>More than once was the charge of being a tinker preferred against him. The -following satire was written and published for his benefit—with Dr. -Reade’s—after Queen Anne had Dr. Grant sworn in as her “oculist in -ordinary”:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“Her majesty sure was in a surprise,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or else was very short-sighted,</span><br /> -When a tinker was sworn to look to her eyes,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And the mountebank Reade was knighted.”</span></p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">The Little Carver Davy.</span>”</p> - -<p>The distinguished chemical philosopher and physician of Penzance, Sir -Humphry Davy, Bart., was the son of a poor wood-carver, at which trade -Humphry worked in his earlier days, and was named by his familiar -associates, the “Little Carver Davy.” On the death of his father, the -widow established herself as a milliner at Penzance, where she apprenticed -her son to an apothecary. His mother was a woman of talent and great moral -sense. When, as Sir Humphry, he had reached the summit of his fame, he -looked back upon the facts of his humble origin, his father’s plebeian -occupation and associates, and his mother’s mean pursuit, followed for his -benefit, with mortification instead of regarding them as sources of -pride.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Butcher Boy escapes the Cleaver and becomes a Great Physician and Poet.</span></p> - -<p>In a rickety old three story house, the lower part of which was occupied -as a butcher’s shop and trader’s room, and the upper stories as a -dwelling-house, at Newcastle-upon-Tyne, in 1721, was born Mark Akenside. -His father was a butcher, and one day, as the boy Mark was assisting at -the menial occupation of cutting up a calf, a cleaver fell from the shop -block upon another “calf,”—that of young Akenside’s leg,—which lamed him -for life.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 281px;"><img src="images/img018.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE YOUNG SURGEON’S FIRST EXPERIENCE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Akenside was a Nonconformist, and by the aid of the Dissenters’ Society -young Mark was sent to Edinburgh to study theology. From theology he went -to physic, his honest parent refunding the money to the society paid for -his studies under their patronage, and he subsequently obtained his degree -at Cambridge, and became a fellow of the R. S.</p> - -<p>Like Davy, Akenside became ashamed of his plebeian origin. His lameness, -like Lord Byron’s, was a continual source of mortification to him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span>He became a physician to St. Thomas; and, as he went with the students the -rounds of the hospital, the fastidiousness of the little bunch of dignity -at having come so closely in contact with the vulgar rabble, induced him, -at times, to make the strongest patients precede him with <i>brooms</i>, to -clear a way for him through the crowd of diseased wretches, who, -nevertheless, had wonderful faith in his wisdom, and would cry out, -“<i>Bravo for the butcher boy with a game leg!</i>” as they fell back before -the fearful charge of corn brooms.</p> - -<p>By the assistance of friends, and his ever extensive practice, Akenside -was enabled, to the day of his death, in 1770, to keep his carriage, wear -his gold-hilted sword, and his huge well-powdered wig.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">How One Hop-ped from Obscurity.</span></p> - -<p>“Dr. Messenger Monsey, in the heyday of his prosperity, used to assert to -his friends that the first of his known ancestors was a baker and a -retailer of hops. At a critical point of this worthy man’s career, when -hops were ‘down,’ and feathers ‘up,’ in order to raise the needful for -present emergencies he ripped up his beds, sold the feathers, and refilled -the ticks with hops. When a change occurred in the market soon afterwards -the process was reversed; even the children’s beds were reopened, and the -hops sold for a large profit over the cost of replacing the feathers!”</p> - -<p>“That’s the way, sirs, that my family hop-ped from obscurity,” the doctor -would conclude, with great gusto.</p> - -<p>The Duke of Leeds used, in the same manner, to delight in boasting of his -lucky progenitor, Jack Osborn, the shop lad, who rescued his master’s -beautiful daughter from a watery grave at the bottom of the Thames, and -won her hand away from a score of noble suitors, who wanted, literally, -the young lady’s <i>pin</i>-money as much as herself. Her father was a pin -manufacturer, and had in his shop on London Bridge amassed a considerable -wealth in the business.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> The jolly old man, instead of disdaining to -bestow the lovely and wealthy maid—his only child—on an apprentice, -exclaimed,—</p> - -<p>“Jack Osborn won her, and Jack shall wear her.”</p> - -<p>When Lord Bath vainly endeavored to effect a reconciliation between the -doctor and Garrick, who had fallen out, Monsey said,—</p> - -<p>“Why will your lordship trouble yourself with the squabbles of a -merry-andrew and a <i>quack</i> doctor?”</p> - -<p>Monsey continued his quarrel with Garrick up to the day of the death of -the great tragedian. The latter seldom retaliated, but when he did his -sarcasm cut to the bone.</p> - -<p>Garrick’s style of satire may be inferred from his epigram on James Quin, -the celebrated actor, and illegitimate son of an Irishman, “whose wife -turned out a bigamist.” When Garrick make his debut on the London stage, -at Godman’s Fields playhouse, October 19, 1741, as “Richard the Third,” -Quin objected to Garrick’s original style, saying,—</p> - -<p>“If this young fellow is right, myself and all the other actors are -wrong.”</p> - -<p>Being told that the theatre was crowded to the dome nightly to hear the -new actor, Quin replied that “Garrick was a new religion; Whitefield was -followed for a time, but they would all come to church again.” Hence -Garrick wrote the following epigram:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“Pope Quin, who damns all churches but his own,<br /> -Complains that heresy infects the town;<br /> -That Whitefield-Garrick has misled the age,<br /> -And taints the sound religion of the stage.<br /> -‘Schism,’ he cries, ‘has turned the nation’s brain,<br /> -But eyes will open, and to church again!’<br /> -Thou great Infallible, forbear to roar;<br /> -Thy bulls and errors are revered no more.<br /> -When doctrines meet with general approbation,<br /> -It is not <i>heresy</i>, but reformation.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span>When confined to his bed in his last sickness, Garrick had the advice of -several of the best physicians, summoned to his villa near Hampton, and -Monsey, in bad taste and worse temper, wrote a satire on the occurrence. -He accused the actor of parsimony, among other mean qualities, and though, -after the death of Garrick, January 22, 1779, he destroyed the verses, -some portions of them got into print, of which the following is a -sample:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“Seven wise doctors lately met<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To save a wretched sinner.</span><br /> -‘Come, Tom,’ said Jack, ‘pray let’s be quick,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or we shall lose <i>our</i> dinner.’</span><br /> -<br /> -“Some roared for rhubarb, jalap some,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And others cried for Dover;<a name='fna_3' id='fna_3' href='#f_3'><small>[3]</small></a></span><br /> -‘Let’s give him something,’ each one said,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">‘And then let’s give him over.’”</span></p> - -<p>At last, after much learned wrangling, one more learned than the others -proposed to arouse the energies of the dying man by jingling a purse of -gold in his ear. This suggestion was acted upon, and</p> - -<p class="poem">“Soon as the favorite sound he heard,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">One faint effort he tried;</span><br /> -He oped his eyes, he scratched his head,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He gave one grasp—and died.”</span></p> - -<p>Riding on horseback through Hyde Park, Monsey was accompanied by a Mr. -Robinson, a Trinitarian preacher, who knew that the doctor’s religion was -of the Unitarian stamp. After deploring, in solemn tones, the corrupt -state of morals, etc., the minister turned to Monsey, and said,—</p> - -<p>“And, doctor, I am addressing one who believes there is no God.”</p> - -<p>“And I,” replied Monsey, “one who believes there are <i>three</i>.”</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 395px;"><img src="images/img019.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">HEALING THE SICK WITH A GOLDEN DOSE.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span>The good man, greatly shocked, put spurs to his horse, and, without -vouchsafing a “good day,” rode away at a high gallop.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Pedagogues turned out as Doctors.</span></p> - -<p>Some of the hundreds of respectable medical practitioners of this -democratic country, who, between commencement and the following term, used -to lengthen out their scanty means by “teaching the young idea how to -shoot” in some far-off country village, will scarcely thank me for -introducing the above-named subject to their present notice. However, it -will depend somewhat upon the way they take it; whether, like Sir Davy, -they are ashamed of their “small beginnings,” or, like Dr. Monsey, they -may independently snap their fingers in the face of their plebeian origin, -and boast of their earlier common efforts for a better foothold among the -great men of their generation.</p> - -<p>Among English physicians, with whom it was, and still is, counted a -disgrace to have been previously known in a more humble calling, we may -find a long list of “doctors pedagogic,” beginning with Dr. John Bond, who -taught school until the age of forty, when he turned doctor. He was a man -of great learning, however, and became a successful physician. Even among -the good people of Taunton, where he had resided and labored as a -pedagogue in former years, he was esteemed as a “wise physician.”</p> - -<p>John Arbuthnot was a “Scotch pedagogue.” He was distinguished as a man of -letters and of wit; the associate of Pope and Swift, and of Bolingbroke; a -companion at the court of Queen Anne.</p> - -<p>Arbuthnot owed his social elevation to his quick wit, rare conversational -powers, and fascinating address, rather than to his family influence, -professional knowledge, or medical success.</p> - -<p>“Dorchester, where, as a young practitioner, he endeavored<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> to establish -himself, utterly refused to give him a living; but it doubtless,” says -Jeaffreson, “maintained more than one dull empiric in opulence. Failing to -get a living among the rustic boors, who could appreciate no effort of the -human voice but a fox-hunter’s whoop, Arbuthnot packed up and went to -London.”</p> - -<p>Poverty for a while haunted his door in London, and to keep the wolf away -he was compelled to resort to “the most hateful of all occupations—the -personal instruction of the ignorant.”</p> - -<p>Arbuthnot was a brilliant writer as well as fluent talker, and by his -literary hit, “Examination of Dr. Woodward’s Account of the Deluge,” he -was soon brought into notice. By the merest accident and the greatest -fortune he was called to Prince George of Denmark, when his royal highness -was suddenly taken sick, and, as all who fell within the circle of his -magical private acquaintance were led to respect and love him, the doctor -was retained in the good graces of the prince. On the death of Dr. Hannes, -Arbuthnot received the appointment of physician-in-ordinary to the queen.</p> - -<p>The polished manner of the fortunate doctor, his handsome person, and -flattering, cordial seeming address, especially to ladies, made him a -court favorite. To retain the good graces of his royal patient, the queen, -“he adopted a tone of affection for her as an individual, as well as a -loyal devotion to her as a queen.” His conversation, while it had the -semblance of the utmost frankness, was foaming over with flattery.</p> - -<p>“If the queen won’t swallow my pills she will my flattery,” he is said to -have whispered to his friend Swift; but this report is doubtful, as he -stood in fear of the displeasure of the querulous, crotchety, weak-minded -queen, who had but recently discharged Dr. Radcliffe for a slip of the -tongue, when at the coffee-house he had said she had the “<i>vapors</i>.”</p> - -<p>“What is the hour?” asked the queen of Arbuthnot.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>“Whatever hour it may please your majesty,” was his characteristic reply, -with his most winning smile and graceful obeisance.</p> - -<p>By this sort of flattery he retained his hold in the queen’s favor till -her death.</p> - -<p>By these facts one is reminded of the saying of Oxenstierna, when, on -concluding the peace of Westphalia in 1648, he sent his young son John as -plenipotentiary to the powers on that occasion, remarking, in presence of -those who expressed their surprise thereat,—</p> - -<p>“You do not know with how little wisdom men are governed.”</p> - -<p>With the loss of the queen’s patronage at her death, and his wine-loving -proclivities, Dr. Arbuthnot became sick and poor, and died in straitened -circumstances.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Another Poor Pedagogue</span>,</p> - -<p>Who reached the acme of medical fame, and became court physician, was Sir -Richard Blackmer. He surely ought not to have been called an ignoramus (by -Dr. Johnson), for he resided thirteen years in the University of Oxford. -After leaving Oxford, his extreme poverty compelled him to adopt the -profession of a schoolmaster. In the year 1700 there were collected -upwards of forty sets of ribald verses, under the title of “Commendary -Verses, or the Author of Two Arthurs, and Satyr against Wit;” in which Sir -Richard was taunted with his earlier poverty, and of having been a -pedagogue!</p> - -<p>Every man has his advertisement and his advertisers. The poets and -lampooners were Blackmer’s. They assisted in bringing him into notoriety. -Among them were Pope, Steele, and the obscene Dr. Garth. While the authors -of those filthy, licentious productions (which no bar-maid or -kitchen-scullion at this day could read without blushing behind her pots -and kettles) were flattering themselves that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> they were injuring the -honest doctor, they were bringing him daily into the notice of better men -than themselves, and heaping ignominy upon the authors of such vile -lampoons.</p> - -<p>One satire opened thus:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“By nature meant, by want a pedant made,<br /> -Blackmer at first professed the whipping trade.<br /> -<strong><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span></strong><br /> -In vain his pills as well as birch he tried;<br /> -His boys grew blockheads, and his patients died.”</p> - -<p>Mr. Jeaffreson says, “the same dull sarcasms about killing patients and -whipping boys into blockheads are repeated over and again; and as if to -show, with the greatest possible force, the pitch to which the evil of the -times had risen, the coarsest and most disgusting of all these lampoon -writers was a lady of rank,—the Countess of Sandwich!”</p> - -<p>Wouldn’t a young Harvard or Yale medical graduate, without money, friends, -or a practice, leap for joy with the knowledge that he had two-score -<i>disinterested</i> writers advertising him into universal notice, since it is -considered a burning disgrace for an honorable, upright, and educated -physician to advertise himself!</p> - -<p>Of course Sir Richard rose, in spite of his foes, to whom he seldom -replied. He says, in one of his own works, “I am but a hard-working -doctor, spending my days in coffee-houses (where physicians were wont to -receive apothecaries, and, hearing the cases of their patients, prescribe -for them without seeing them, at half price), receiving apothecaries, or -driving over the stones in my carriage, visiting my patients.”</p> - -<p>The honest, upright man who rises from nothing, and continues to ascend -right in the teeth of immense opposition from his enemies, seldom relapses -into obscurity in after life. Though Dr. Blackmer failed as a poet, he -died esteemed as an honest man, a consistent Christian, and an excellent -physician.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Weaver and a Quaker Boy.</span></p> - -<p>Many cases might be instanced of weavers becoming physicians, but let one -suffice. John Sutcliffe, a Yorkshire weaver, with no early educational -advantages, and with the broadest provincial dialect, became a respectable -apothecary, and subsequently a first-class medical practitioner. He rose -entirely by his own integrity, frugality, industry, and intelligence.</p> - -<p>Amongst his apprentices was Dr. John Coakley Lettsom, whose name must ever -rank high as a literary man, and a benevolent and successful physician. -Lettsom was born in the West Indies, and was a Quaker. The place under the -Yorkshire apothecary was secured for the boy by Mr. Fothergill, a Quaker -minister of Warrington, England.</p> - -<p>A senior drug clerk informed the rustic inhabitants of the arrival of a -Quaker from a far off county, where the people were <i>antipodes</i>,—whose -feet were in a position exactly opposite to those of the English. Having -well circulated this startling information, the merry clerk and -fellow-apprentices laid back to enjoy the joke all by themselves.</p> - -<p>The very day the new apprentice entered upon his duties, the apothecary -shop became haunted by an immense and curious crowd of gaping rustics, old -and young, male and female, to see the wonderful Quaker who was accustomed -to walking on his head!</p> - -<p>Day after day the curious peasants came and went, and if the astonished -Sutcliffe closed his doors against the unprofitable rabble, they peered in -at his windows, or hung about the entrances, hoping to see the remarkable -phenomenon issue forth. But as the day of “walking off on his ear” had not -then arrived, they were doomed to disappointment and lost faith in his -ability to do what they had expected of him.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">John Radcliffe.</span></p> - -<p>John Radcliffe, the humbug, “the physician without learning,” was the son -of a Yorkshire yeoman. When he had risen to intimacy with the leading -nobility of London,—as he did by his “shrewdness, arrogant simplicity, -and immeasurable insolence,”—he laid claim to aristocratic origin. The -Earl of Derwenter recognized <i>Sir</i> John as a kinsman; but the heralds -interfered with the little “corner” of the doctor and earl, after -Radcliffe’s decease, by admonishing the University of Oxford not to erect -any escutcheon over his plebeian monument.</p> - -<p>Of Radcliffe’s success in getting patronage we have spoken in another -chapter. Doubtless he, Dr. Hannes, and Dr. Mead all resorted to the same -sharp tricks, of which they accused each other by turns, in order to gain -notoriety and practice.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Edward Hannes</span> was reputed a “<i>basket-maker</i>.” At least, his father -followed that humble calling. Of the son’s earlier life little is known. -About the year 168-, he burst upon the London aristocracy with a -magnificent equipage, consisting of coach and four, and handsome liveried -servants and coachmen.</p> - -<p>These were <i>his</i> advertisements, and he soon rode into a splendid -practice, notwithstanding Radcliffe’s contrary prognostication.</p> - -<p>Dr. Hannes and Dr. Blackmer, being called to attend upon the young Duke of -Gloucester, and the disease taking a fatal turn, Sir John Radcliffe was -also called to examine into the case. Radcliffe could not forego the -opportunity here offered to lash his rivals, and turning to them in the -presence of the royal household, he said,—</p> - -<p>“It would have been happy for the nation had you, sir (to Hannes), been -bred a basket-maker, and you, sir (to Blackmer), remained a country -schoolmaster, rather than<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> have ventured out of your reach in the practice -of an art to which you are an utter stranger, and for your blunders in -which you ought to be whipped with one of your own rods.”</p> - -<p>As the case was simply one of rash, none of them had much to boast of.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Horse Doctor.</span></p> - -<p>There have been, and still are, thousands in the various walks of life, -who, at some period, have attempted the practice of medicine. Among the -hundreds whom our colleges “grind out” annually, not more than one in -twenty succeeds in medical practice so far as to gain any eminence, or the -competence of a common laborer.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Marat was a horse doctor.</span></p> - -<p>The most remarkable thing respecting this noted man occurred at his birth. -<i>He was born triplets!</i></p> - -<p>Yes, though “born of parents entirely unknown to history,” three different -places have claimed themselves, or been claimed, as his birthplace.</p> - -<p>Before his energies became perverted to political aims, he had endeavored -to rise, by his own talent and energies, through the sciences.</p> - -<p>The year 1789 found him in the position of veterinary surgeon to the Count -d’Artois, thoroughly disgusted with his failure to rise in society with -the “quacks,” as he termed them, “of the Corps Scientifique.”</p> - -<p>Miss Mühlbach, in her “<i>Maria Antoinette and her Son</i>,” presents Marat in -conversation with the cobbler, Simon, as follows:—</p> - -<p>“The cobbler quickly turned round to confront the questioner. He saw, -standing by his side, a little, remarkably crooked and dwarfed young man, -whose unnaturally large head was set upon narrow, depressed shoulders, and -whose whole (ludicrous) appearance made such an impression upon the -cobbler that he laughed outright.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>“‘Not beautiful, am I?’ asked the stranger, who tried to join in the laugh -with the cobbler, but the result was a mere grimace; which made his -unnaturally large mouth extend from ear to ear, displaying two fearful -rows of long, greenish teeth. ‘Not beautiful at all, am I? Dreadful ugly!’</p> - -<p>“‘You are somewhat remarkable, at least,’ replied the cobbler. ‘If I did -not hear you speak French, and see you standing upright, I should think -you the monstrous toad in the fable.’</p> - -<p>“‘I am the monstrous toad of the fable. I have merely disguised myself -to-day as a man, in order to look at this Austrian woman and her brood.’</p> - -<p>“‘Where do you live, and what is your name, sir?’ asked the cobbler, with -glowing curiosity.</p> - -<p>“‘I live in the stables of the Count d’Artois, and my name is Jean Paul -Marat.’</p> - -<p>“‘In the stable!’ cried the cobbler. ‘My faith, I had not supposed you a -hostler or a coachman. It must be a funny sight, M. Marat, to see <i>you</i> -mounted upon a horse.’</p> - -<p>“‘You think that such a big toad does not belong there exactly. Well, you -are right, brother Simon. My real business is not at all with the horses, -but with the men of the stable. I am the horse doctor of the Count -d’Artois, and I can assure you that I am a tolerably skilful doctor.’”</p> - -<p>We do not quote the above author as reliable authority in personal -descriptions, beyond the “shrugging of shoulders,” which habit she -attributes to all of her characters (<i>vide</i> “Napoleon and Queen Louisa,” -where she uses the phrase some twenty-three times).</p> - -<p>At the time of his assuming the dictatorship, he resided in most squalid -apartments, situated in one of the lowest back streets of Paris, in -criminal intimacy with the wife of his printer.... He sold their bed to -get money to bring out the first number of his journal, and lived in -extreme poverty at a time when he could have become immensely rich by -selling his silence.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span>The death of this wretch was hastened only a few days by his -assassination, for he was already consumed by a disgusting disease, and it -is melancholy to add that he was adored after his death, and his remains -deposited in the Pantheon with national honors, and an altar erected to -his memory in the club of the Cordeliers.</p> - -<p>“I killed one man to save a hundred thousand!” exclaimed the magnificent -Charlotte Corday to her judges; “a villain to save innocents, a furious -wild beast, to give repose to my country!” Thus the “horse doctor” -ignominiously perished at the hands of a woman,—a woman who immortalized -herself by killing a “villain.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Peter Pindar, the Preacher.</span></p> - -<p>We find many cases where ministers have turned doctors, and <i>vice versa</i>.</p> - -<p>“<span class="smcap">Peter Pindar</span>” is here worthy of a passing notice. His true name was -Wolcot. Descended from a family of doctors for several generations, he -nevertheless himself failed to gain a living practice.</p> - -<p>When King George III. sent Sir William Trelawney out as governor of -Jamaica, about 1760, he took young Dr. Wolcot with him, who acted in the -treble capacity of physician, private secretary, and chaplain to the -governor’s household. Dr. Wolcot’s professional knowledge had been -acquired somewhat “irregularly,” and it is very doubtful whether he ever -received ordination at the hands of the bishops.</p> - -<p>It is true, however, that he acted as rector for the colony, reading -prayers and preaching whenever a congregation of ten presented itself, -which occurred only semi-occasionally.</p> - -<p>The doctor was fond of shooting, and ’tis gravely reported that he and his -clerk used to amuse themselves on the way to church by shooting pigeons -and other wild game, with which the wood abounded. Having shot their way -to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> sacred edifice, the merry parson and jolly clerk would wait ten -minutes for the congregation to convene, and if, at the expiration of that -time, the quota had not arrived, the few were dismissed with a blessing, -and the pair shot their way back home. If but a few negroes presented -themselves, the rector ordered his clerk to give them a bit of silver, -with which to buy them off.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img020.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE PARSON BUYING OFF THE “CONGREGATION.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>One old negro, more cunning than the rest, and who discovered that the -parson’s interest was rather in the discharge of his fowling-piece than -the discharge of his priestly duties, used to present himself punctually -every Sunday at church.</p> - -<p>“What brings you here, blackie?” asked the parson.</p> - -<p>“To hear de prayer for sinners, and de sarmon, masser.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span>“Wouldn’t a <i>bit</i> or two serve you as well?” asked the rector, with a -wink.</p> - -<p>“Well, masser, dis chile lub de good sarmon ob yer rev’rence, but dis time -de money might do,” was the reply, with a significant scratch of his -woolly head.</p> - -<p>The parson would then pay the price, the negro would grin his thanks, and, -chuckling to himself, retire; and for a year or more this sort of -<i>black</i>-mailing was continued.</p> - -<p>Tiring of <i>acting</i> as priest, Wolcot returned to London, and vainly -endeavored to establish himself in practice. Neither preaching nor -practising physic was his forte, and he resorted to the pen. Here he -discovered his genius. Adopting the <i>nom de plume</i> of “Peter Pindar,” he -became famous as a political satirist, and the author of numerous popular -works. He died in London in 1819. Wolcot possessed a kindly heart, and a -benevolence deeper than his pockets.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Policemen as Doctors and Surgeons.</span></p> - -<p>Some very laughable scenes, as well as very touching and painful ones, -might be recorded, had we space, where policemen have necessarily been -unceremoniously summoned to act as physician or surgeon in absence of a -“regular.”</p> - -<p>In Portland, the police have to turn their hand to most everything. -Circumstances beyond his control compelled one Mr. J. S. to act the part -of midwife to a strapping Irish woman at the station-house, one evening, -he being the sole “committee of reception” to a bouncing baby that came -along somewhat precipitately. The account, which is well authenticated, -closes by saying,—</p> - -<p>“Mother, baby, and officer are doing as well as can be expected!”</p> - -<p>We have seen the “officer.” He did better than was “expected.”</p> - -<p>The writer was on a Fulton ferry boat in the winter of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> 1857, when a -similar scene occurred. A German woman was taken in pain. A whisper was -passed to a female passenger; a policeman was summoned from outside the -ladies’ (?) cabin; the male occupants were ejected,—even myself and -another medical student, and the husband of the patient. The latter -remonstrated, and demonstrated his objection to the momentary separation -by beating and shouting at the saloon door.</p> - -<p>“Katharina! Katharina!” he shouted, “keep up a steef upper lips!”</p> - -<p>This roaring attracted nearly all the men from the opposite side of the -boat, who crowded around him and the door, to learn the cause of the -Teutonic demonstrations of alternate fear, anger, and encouragement.</p> - -<p>“Got in himmel! Vere you leefs ven you’s t’ home? Vich a man can’t come -mit his vife, altogedder? Hopen de door, unt I preaks him mit mine feest; -don’t it?” So he kept on, alternately cursing the policeman and -encouraging “Katharina,” till we reached the Brooklyn side, and left the -ferry boat.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img021.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="V" id="V"></a>V.</h2> -<p class="title">WOMAN AS PHYSICIAN.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>“Angel of Patience! sent to calm<br /> -Our feverish brow with cooling palm;<br /> -To lay the storm of hope and fears,<br /> -And reconcile life’s smile and tears;<br /> -The throb of wounded pride to still,<br /> -And make our own our Father’s will.”—<span class="smcap">Whittier.</span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>HER “MISSION.”—NO PLACE IN MEDICAL HISTORY.—ONE OF THEM.—MRS. -STEPHENS.—“CRAZY SALLY.”—RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.—RUNS IN THE -FAMILY.—ANECDOTES.—“WHICH GOT THRASHED?”—A WRETCHED END.—AMERICAN -FEMALE PHYSICIANS.—A PIONEER.—A LAUGHABLE ANECDOTE.—“THREE WISE -MEN.”—“A SHORT HORSE,” ETC.—BOSTON AND NEW YORK FEMALE DOCTORS.—A -STORY.—“LOVE AND THOROUGHWORT.”—A GAY BEAU.—UP THE -PENOBSCOT.—DYING FOR LOVE.—“IS HE MAD?”—THOROUGHWORT WINS.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>“From the earliest ages the care of the sick has devolved on woman. A -group by one of our sculptors, representing Eve with the body of Abel -stretched upon her lap, bending over him in bewildered grief, and striving -to restore the vital spirit which she can hardly believe to have departed, -is a type of the province of the sex ever since pain and death entered the -world.</p> - -<p>“To be first the vehicle for human life, and then its devoted guardian; to -remove or alleviate the physical evils which afflict the race, or to watch -their wasting, and tenderly care for all that remains when they have -wrought their result—this is her divinely appointed and universally -conceded mission.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span>“Were she to refuse it, to forsake her station beside the suffering, the -office of medicine and the efforts of the physician would be more than -half baffled. And yet, where her post is avowedly so important, she has -generally been denied the liberty of understanding much that is involved -in its intelligent occupancy. With the human body so largely in her charge -from birth to death, she is not allowed to inquire into its marvellous -mechanism. With the administering of remedies intrusted to her vigilance -and faithfulness, she has not been allowed to investigate the qualities, -or even know the names or the operations of those substances committed to -her use. To be a student with scientific thoroughness, and to practise -independently with what she has thus acquired, has been regarded as -unseemly, or as beyond her capacity, or as an invasion of prerogatives -claimed exclusively for men.</p> - -<p>“Indeed, the whole domain of medicine has been ‘<i>pre-empted</i>’ by men, and -in their ‘<i>squatter sovereignty</i>’ they have sturdily warned off the -gentler sex.”—Rev. H. B. Elliot, in “<i>Eminent Women of the Age</i>.”</p> - -<p>It seems to my mind, and ought to every thinking mind, to be ridiculously -absurd that “man born of woman” should set up his authority against woman -understanding “herself.” “Man, know thyself,” is stereotyped, but if it -ever was put in type form for “woman to know herself,” it has long since -been “<i>pied</i>.”</p> - -<p>“Search the Scriptures,” and you would never mistrust that “eternal life,” -or any other life, came, or existed a day, through woman. Mythological -writers, who come next to scriptural, give woman no credit in medical -science. We will except Hygeia, the goddess of health, the fabled daughter -of Æsculapius. In the <i>medical</i> history of no country does she occupy any -prominence. There were “Witches,” “Enchantresses,” “Wise Women,” -“Fortune-tellers,” who in every age have existed to no small extent, and -under various names have figured in the histories of all nations,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> -receiving the countenance of prince and beggar—but females as physicians, -<i>as a class</i>, have never been recognized by nations or governments, or -scarcely by communities or individuals.</p> - -<p>In searching the memorials of English authors for two hundred years past, -we can find but little to disprove the above assertions. In Mr. -Jeaffreson’s “Book of Doctors,” the author fails to find memorials of -their actions, as female physicians, sufficient to fill a single chapter; -and those of whom he has made mention, he discourses of mostly in a -ridiculous light, as though entirely out of their sphere, or as being of -the coarser sort, and questions “if two score could be rescued from -oblivion whom our ancestors intrusted with the care of their invalid wives -and children.”</p> - -<p>In this connection, let us briefly mention such as are better known in -English literature, as doctresses especially as mentioned by Mr. -Jeaffreson.</p> - -<p>Two ladies, who are immortalized in “Philosophical Transactions for 1694,” -were Sarah Hastings and Mrs. French. Another, who received the support of -bishops, dukes, lords, countesses, etc., in 1738-9, was Mrs. Joanna -Stephens, “an ignorant and vulgar creature.” After enriching herself by -her specifics, consisting of a “pill, a powder and a decoction,” she -bamboozled the English Parliament into purchasing the secret, for the -(then) enormous sum of £5000. “The Powder consists of <i>eggshells</i> and -<i>snails</i>, both calcined.”</p> - -<p>“The decoction is made by boiling together Alicant <i>soap</i>, swine’s-cresses -burnt to a blackness, honey, camomile, fennel, parsley, and burdock -leaves.” “The pill consists of snails, wild carrot and burdock seeds, -ashen keys, hips, and haws, all burnt to a blackness; soap and honey.”</p> - -<p>When we take into consideration the fact that there were no “medical -schools for females,” at that day, nor until within the last ten or twelve -years, that every female applicant was rejected by the medical colleges of -England,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> and that all female practitioners were held in disrepute by both -physician and the public, the above repulsive remedies may not so greatly -excite our surprise.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Crazy Sally.</span>”</p> - -<p>The most remarkable woman doctor made mention of in English literature, -was Mrs. Mapp, <i>née</i> Sally Wallin. We have collected these facts -respecting her origin, character, and career, from <i>Chambers’ Miscellany</i> -and the <i>Gentlemen’s Magazine</i>, 1736-7. Hogarth has immortalized her in -his “Undertaker’s arms.” She is placed at the top of that picture, between -Josh Ward, the <i>Pill</i> doctor, and Chevalier Taylor, the quack oculist. -(See page 668.)</p> - -<p>She was born in Weltshire, in 169-. Her father was a “bone-setter,” which -occupation “run in the family,” like that of the Sweets, of Connecticut, -or like the marine whom Mrs. Mapp saw one day, as she, in her carriage, -was driving “along the Strand, O.”</p> - -<p>Said sailor having a wooden leg, the doctress asked, “How does it happen, -fellow, that you’ve a wooden leg.”</p> - -<p>“O, easy enough, madam; my father had one before me. It sort o’ runs in -the family, marm,” was the laconic reply. From a barefooted school-girl at -Weltshire, where Sally obtained barely the rudiments of a common -education, she became her father’s assistant in bone-setting and -manipulating.</p> - -<p>The next we hear of Miss Wallin, is at Epsom, where she became known as -“Crazy Sally.” She has been described as a “very coarse, large, vulgar, -illiterate, drunken, bawling woman,” “known as a haunter of fairs, about -which she loved to reel, screaming and abusive, in a state of roaring -intoxication.”</p> - -<p>It is astonishing as true, that this unattractive specimen of the female -sex became so esteemed in Epsom, where she set up as a physician, that the -town offered her £100 to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> remain there a year! The newspapers sounded her -praise, the gentry, even, lauded her skill, and physicians witnessed her -operations.</p> - -<p>“Crazy Sally” awoke one morning and found herself famous. Patients of rank -and wealth flocked from every quarter. Attracted by her success and her -accumulating wealth, rather than by her <i>beauty</i> or <i>amiable</i> disposition, -an Epsom swain made her an offer of marriage, which she, like a woman, -accepted. This fellow’s name was Mapp, who lived with her but for a -fortnight, during which time he “thrashed her” (or she him, it is not just -clear which) “three times,” and appropriating all of her spare change, -amounting to five hundred dollars, he took to himself one half of the -world, and quietly left her the other. Our informant adds, “She found -consolation for her wounded affections in the homage of the world. She -became a notoriety of the first water; every day the public journals gave -some interesting account of her, and her remarkable operations.”</p> - -<p>The <i>Grub Street Journal</i> of that period said, “The remarkable cures of -the woman bone-setter, Mrs. Mapp, are too numerous to enumerate. Her -bandages are extraordinarily neat, and her dexterity in reducing -dislocations and fractures most wonderful. She has cured persons who have -been twenty years disabled.” Her patients were both male and female. Some -of her most difficult operations were performed before physicians of -eminence.</p> - -<p>Her carriage was splendid, on the panels of which were emblazoned her coat -of arms. Regularly every week she visited London in this magnificent -chariot drawn by four superb, cream-white horses, attended by servants, -arrayed in gorgeous liveries. She put up at the Grecian Coffee-House, and -forthwith her rooms would be thronged by invalids.</p> - -<p>Notices of her were not always of the most complimentary sort. Being one -day detained by a cart of coal that was <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span>unloading in a narrow street of -the metropolis, on which occasion she was arrayed in a loosely fitting -robe-de-chambre, with large flowing sleeves, which set off her massive -proportion most conspicuously, she let down the windows of her carriage, -and leaning her bare arms upon the door, she impatiently exclaimed,—</p> - -<p>“Fellow, how dare you detain a lady of rank thus?”</p> - -<p>“A lady of rank!” sneered the coal-man.</p> - -<p>“Yes, you villain!” screamed the enraged doctress. “Don’t you observe the -arms of Mrs. Mapp on the carriage?”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 257px;"><img src="images/img022.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“DON’T YOU OBSERVE THE ARMS OF MRS. MAPP?”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Yes—I <i>do</i> see the arms,” replied the impudent fellow, “and a pair of -durned coarse ones they are, to be sure.”</p> - -<p>On another occasion she was riding up Old Kent Road, dressed as above -described. “Her obesity, immodest attire, intoxication, and dazzling -equipage were, in the eyes of the mob, so sure signs of royalty, that she -was taken for a court lady, of German origin, and of unpopular repute. The -crowd gathered about her carriage, and with oaths and yells were about to -demolish the windows with clubs and stones, when the nowise alarmed -occupant, like Nellie Gwynn, on a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> similar occasion, rose in her seat, -and, with imprecations more emphatic than polite, exclaimed,—</p> - -<p>“—— you! Don’t you know who I am? I am Mrs. Sally Mapp, the celebrated -bone-setter of Epsom!”</p> - -<p>“This brief address so tickled the humor of the rabble that the lady was -permitted to proceed on her way, amid deafening acclamations and -laughter.”</p> - -<p>This famous woman’s career may be likened to a rocket. She flashed before -the people as suddenly, ascended as brilliantly to the zenith of fame, and -fell like the burned, blackened stick.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Mapp spent her last days in poverty, wretchedness, and obscurity, at -“Seven Dials,” where she died almost unattended, on the night of December -22, 1737. Her demise was thus briefly announced in the journals:—</p> - -<p>“Died at her lodgings, near Seven Dials, last week, Mrs. Mapp, the once -much-talked-of bone-setter of Epsom, so wretchedly poor that the parish -was obliged to bury her.”</p> - -<p>Mr. Jeaffreson makes mention of two more “female doctors;” one an honest -widow, mother of “Chevalier Taylor,” who, at Norwich, carried on a -respectable business as an apothecary and doctress, and Mrs. Colonel -Blood, who, at Romford, supported herself and son by keeping an apothecary -shop.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">American Female Physicians.</span></p> - -<p>Perhaps English authors and English readers may be satisfied to allow the -above meagre and unenviable array of pretenders to stand on record as the -representatives of “female doctors” in their liberal and enlightened -country! Americans can boast of a better representative.</p> - -<p>While England claims a “Female Medical Society,” and one “Female Medical -College,” the United States has several of the former, and three regularly -chartered “Female Medical Colleges.” In a recent announcement of the -English college,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> it claims fifty students, “but the aim of the whole -movement is at present only to furnish competent midwives.”</p> - -<p>The “Maternity Hospital,” of Paris (which existed long before the late -Franco-Prussian war, but which we can learn nothing of since the fall of -that once beautiful city), “afforded some opportunity for observation, -receiving females nominally as students, but they were not allowed to -prescribe in the wards, nor were they instructed in regard to the use and -properties of the remedies there prescribed. Indeed, they can hardly rise -above the position of proficient nurses,” says our informant.</p> - -<p>Some few medical colleges of the United States are admitting females on -the same footing as the heretofore more favored “lords of creation.”</p> - -<p>A female college has been in existence in Philadelphia for above twenty -years. The “New England Female Medical College” was chartered in 1856; but -the “regular” colleges, as Yale, Harvard, etc., refuse all female -applicants.</p> - -<p>New York has been more liberal towards the gentler sex. At Geneva, -Rochester, Syracuse, and elsewhere, as early as 1849-50, medical schools -of the more liberal sort, but of undoubted respectability and legal -charters, opened their doors to female students. In 1869 the New York -Female Medical College was chartered, since which time more than two -hundred ladies have therein received medical instruction.</p> - -<p>In all the principal cities of the Union may be found from one to a dozen -respectably educated and successful female practitioners, who have -attained to some eminence in spite of the opposition of the “faculty,” and -the ignorant prejudices of the common people.</p> - -<p>It is surprising how early and persistently some men forget that they were -“born of woman!” Their contempt of the capabilities of womankind would -lead one to suppose them to be ashamed of their own mothers. Mark Twain’s -facetious but instructive speech, once delivered before an editorial<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> -gathering in Boston, ought to be rehearsed to them daily; yes, and -enforced by petticoat government upon their notice till it became -stereotyped into their stupid brains. Mark says,</p> - -<p>“What, sir, would the peoples of the earth be without woman? They would be -scarce, sir,—almighty scarce! (Laughter.) Then let us cherish her; let us -protect her; let us give her our support, our encouragement, our -sympathy,—our—selves, if we get a chance.</p> - -<p>“But, jesting aside, Mr. President, woman is gracious, lovable, kind of -heart, beautiful, worthy of all respect, of all esteem, of all deference. -Not any here will refuse to drink her health right cordially, for each and -every one of us has personally known, and loved, and honored the very best -of them all,—<i>his own mother</i>!”</p> - -<p>Sarah B. Chase, M. D., a respectable and successful female physician of -Ohio, gives the following excellent advice:—</p> - -<p>“I would not encourage any woman to study medicine, with the expectation -of practising, who is not ready and willing—ay, <i>anxious</i> and -<i>determined</i>—to go through the same severe drill of preparation, the same -thorough discipline, as is required of man before he is crowned with the -honors of an M. D.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Female Pioneer.</span></p> - -<p>Among the first successful female physicians of Boston, where she was born -in 1805, is Harriot K. Hunt, M. D. Her father was a shipping merchant, -who, by honesty and uprightness died comparatively poor, for riches are -not always to the upright. Her mother is described by Rev. H. B. Elliot, -“as one possessing a mind of remarkable qualities, argumentative, -practical, independent, and, withal, abounding in tenderness and genial -brightness.” In 1830 we find Miss Hunt not only thrown upon her resources -for her own livelihood (her father having left but barely the house that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> -gave them shelter to be called their own), but the support and care of an -only and invalid sister, somewhat her junior, were also entirely dependent -upon her labors. As a school teacher she met the former, as a student and -nurse she finally surmounted the latter. “What! more pedagogues turned -doctors?”</p> - -<p>After nearly three years’ employment of various physicians on the part of -the elder sister, and the extreme suffering from the “distressing and -complicated disease,” and, what was worse, the “severest forms of -prescriptions of the old school of physic” for the same time by the -younger sister, the Misses Hunt were led to investigate for themselves. -They purchased medical works, which they read early and late.</p> - -<p>In 1833 Harriot leased her house, and entered the office of a doctress, -Mrs. Mott by name, in the double capacity of secretary and student. The -younger sister became a patient of Mrs. Mott’s. The husband of Mrs. Mott -was an English physician, who, with his wife to attend the female portion -of his patients, had established himself in Boston. Mrs. Mott was without -a thorough medical education. “She made extravagant claims to medical -skill in the treatment of cases regarded as hopeless.” In 1835 Dr. Mott -died, and Mrs. Mott returned to England. Under the treatment of the latter -the invalid sister had so much improved in health as to be able to “walk -the streets for the first time in three years;” yet where is the “old -school doctor,” or the veriest charlatan, that would give her the credit -she so seemingly deserved in this case. Both were her opponents. Even the -students of the neighboring medical school were “pitted against her.” The -old adage respecting his Satanic majesty having the credit due him, did -not seem to apply to her case. But Mrs. Mott was more than a match for -their cunning, if not for their scientific theorizings, as the following -anecdote will show.</p> - -<p>“Three wise men of Gotham,” that amiable lady, Mrs.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> Goose, tells us, -“went to sea in a bowl; and had the bowl been stronger, my song would have -been longer.” This has its parallel in the three wise students of H——, -who laid their wise heads together, and went to <i>see</i>—Mrs. Mott, the -doctress, of Hanover Street. One was to pretend that he had some peculiar -disease, for which he, with his anxious friends, wished to consult the -“wise woman.” They entered the doctor’s office, and demanded to see the -doctress. This was an open insult to the woman, as she only gave her -attention to females and children. Nevertheless, Mrs. Mott, whose -olfactory nerves were not so obtuse as to prevent her from distinguishing -the aroma of that peculiar little animal quadruped of the genus <i>Mus</i>, -obeyed the summons, and entered the presence of the three wise -Æsculapians.</p> - -<p>Now the fun began. Not the fun that <i>was to be</i> at the expense of the -“ignorant old female quack,” however.</p> - -<p>One of the gentlemen arose, and after a profound bow, began, with some -embarrassment, to state his case.</p> - -<p>“But wait just a moment,” the doctress interrupted. “You intimate that it -is a <i>peculiar</i> case. My fee for consultation in such cases is <i>three -dollars</i>. Please hand over the money, and proceed.”</p> - -<p>This was an unexpected demand. They had thought to have a little fun, -expose the woman’s ignorance, and have a “huge thing” to tell to their -class-fellows, <i>and not pay for it</i>! Mrs. Mott was a woman, but she -possessed powerful magnetic influence, and held fast to the point, viz., -her fee for consultation; and to the chagrin of the patient (?), and the -astonishment of his chums, the three dollars were paid over to the -doctress.</p> - -<p>“Now, sir, you will please state your case,” said the lady, pocketing the -fee, adjusting her eye-glasses, and seating herself for a consultation.</p> - -<p>“Yes. Well—it is a—a peculiar case,” stammered the patient.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span>“You have informed me of that point before. Please proceed,” remarked the -doctress with great complacency to the embarrassed fellow.</p> - -<p>“It’s a delicate case,” he blushingly replied.</p> - -<p>“O, indeed; then step into this private consulting room;” and arising, she -led the way to an inner office, where the young man involuntarily -followed, greatly to the amusement of the two remaining students, who -remarked, “It is getting blamed hot for us here.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 334px;"><img src="images/img023.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THREE WISE STUDENTS CONSULTING A DOCTRESS.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>In a moment, the invalid—greatly improved, one might judge, from his -agility,—rushed from the private sanctum with a bound, grasped his hat -from the table, exclaiming, “Come on, for God’s sake!” and rushed from the -house, followed by his now thoroughly affrighted companions.</p> - -<p>“What’s the matter? What did the old tarantula say to you?” demanded the -young man’s chums, when well outside of the web into which they had so -impudently intruded themselves.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>“Don’t you ever ask me,” he vociferated. “A —— pretty mess you got me -into. But if either of you ever again mistake that old woman for a fool, I -hope to God she’ll take you into her private consulting room.”</p> - -<p>But to return to Miss Hunt and her sister. In 1855 or ’56 the sisters -opened an office in Boston. As with all young physicians without “dead -men’s shoes,” professional support, or wealthy and influential friends to -back them, patients gathered slowly at first, but with a steady increase, -the care of whom soon devolved entirely upon Harriot, as her sister -married, and retired from practice.</p> - -<p>In 1847 she had an extensive practice among a wealthy and influential -class of people, which many an older physician of the sterner sex might -envy. With a large practical knowledge, acquired in twelve years’ -experience, she applied to Harvard College for permission to attend a -course of medical lectures. She was refused admission. In 1850 she again -applied. The officers consented this time, but the students offered such -objections to the admission of females into their presence, that Miss Hunt -generously declined to avail herself of the long-coveted opportunity.</p> - -<p>“The Female Medical College,” at Philadelphia, in 1853, granted Miss Hunt -an honorary degree.... She is now in the midst of an extensive practice. -Miss Hunt has lived a glorious, self-denying life, upholding her sister -co-laborers, and the “dignity of the profession,” never demeaning herself -by stooping to sell her knowledge, by any of those disreputable practices -that mark the avaricious M. D., the charlatan, the parasites, and the -leeches of the profession, both male and female.</p> - -<p>Among eighty-five “female physicians” (?) of Boston, eighteen claim to be -graduates of some college. We know of several who deserve a favorable -mention here, but present limits will not admit.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">New York Female Doctors.</span></p> - -<p>In New York city there are upwards of two hundred so-called “female -physicians,” about eighty per cent. of whom, according to the best -authority,—police reports, etc.,—subsist by <i>vampirism</i>! Here, in this -chapter, I shall mention a few of the really meritorious ones, reserving -the large majority to be “shown up” under the various chapters as -“fortune-tellers,” “clairvoyants,” and “astrologers.”</p> - -<p>The subject of the following imperfect, because brief, sketch,—<span class="smcap">Mrs. C. S. -Lozier, M. D.</span>,—late of New York city, was born in Plainfield, New Jersey, -in 1813. Her maiden name was Clemence S. Harned. Her father was a farmer -by occupation, and a member of the Methodist church. Her amiable and -excellent mother was a Quakeress. “Why should Mrs. Lozier, a gentle, -modest, unambitious, home-loving woman, have chosen the calling of a -physician?” asks her biographer. My answer would be, “She was a creature -of circumstances.” Another, in view of the facts to be related, would say, -“<i>It was her destiny</i>.”</p> - -<p>The valuable information which Mrs. Lozier gained, as a Quakeress, amongst -that herbalistic people with which she was early associated, with study -and practical observation enabled her to “act efficiently as a nurse and -attendant upon the sick and afflicted of the neighborhood.”</p> - -<p>The elder brother of Miss Clemence, William Harned, was a physician, as -also were two of her cousins. In 1830 she was married to Mr. Lozier, and -removed to New York. Her husband’s health failing, and having no other -support, Mrs. Lozier opened a select school, which she kept successfully -till after the death of Mr. Lozier, in 1837.</p> - -<p>“During this period she read medicine with her brother. When her pupils -were sick, she would generally be called in before a physician. She also -was connected with the ‘Moral Reform Society,’ with Mrs. Margaret Pryor, -and visited<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> the sick and abandoned, often prescribing for them in -sickness.”</p> - -<p>Mrs. Lozier graduated at the Eclectic College, of Syracuse, in 1853, -having attended her first course of lectures at the Central College, -Rochester. From that time until her death, in 1870, she continued to -minister to the sick and afflicted in the city of New York.</p> - -<p>At the commencement of this article we stated that Mrs. Lozier was a -modest woman. This she continued to be to the end. Those leading -physicians who often met her in consultation, with the thousands of -patients who from time to time have been under her treatment, the students -before whom she lectured during several years, the numerous friends who -thronged her parlors, and the Christian professors with whom she -mingled,—all, <i>all</i> testify to this fact. “She denied both the expediency -and practicability of mingling the sexes” in deriving a medical education. -“Woman physician for women,” was her motto. It was not always possible for -her to refuse to prescribe for male patients, as many can testify. The -efforts of some, far down in the scale of life, to connect the name of -Mrs. Lozier with those disreputable practices by which the majority of -female physicians—the parasites of the profession—subsist, yea, even -gain a competence, in this city, and, consequently, -<i>respectability</i>,—“for gold buys friends,”—have utterly failed, and her -<i>name</i> to-day, as it ever will, stands out boldly as belonging to one who -was a self-denying, God-fearing, honorable, and successful female -practitioner.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Lozier is said to have been a skilful surgeon, “having performed -upwards of one hundred and twenty capital operations.” In 1867-8 Mrs. L. -visited Europe, where she was received with great marks of esteem by -eminent men, and admitted to the hospitals.</p> - -<p>Her son, Dr. A. W. Lozier, is in practice in New York city.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Doctors Elizabeth and Emily Blackwell.</span></p> - -<p>The first female who received a medical diploma from any college in the -United States was Miss Elizabeth Blackwell.</p> - -<p>This lady, who now stands only second in years of experience to Miss Hunt, -of Boston, and second to no female in medical knowledge and usefulness, -came to this country from England in 1831, when she was ten years of age. -[A lady, of whom I made some inquiries respecting the above, assured me -“it was only those females who were eligible as nurses, or prospective -widowhood, which would make them eligible, were desirous of concealing -their true age.”]</p> - -<p>Being persuaded that her “mission” was to heal the sick, Miss Elizabeth -applied, by writing, to six different physicians for advice as to the best -means to obtain an education, and received from all the reply that it was -“impracticable,” utterly impossible, for a female to obtain a medical -education; “the proposition eccentric,” “Utopian,” etc.</p> - -<p>It required just this sort of opposition to draw out the true character, -and arouse the hidden abilities of such women as the Misses Blackwell.</p> - -<p>Elizabeth, while supporting herself by giving music lessons in Charleston, -S. C., received regular medical instruction from S. H. Dixon, M. D., a -gentleman and scholar, well known to the entire profession of two -continents; also from Drs. John Dixon, Allen, and Warrington, the two -latter in Philadelphia. Being considered by these gentlemen competent, -Miss Blackwell applied to the medical schools of Philadelphia and New York -for admission as a medical student, by all of which she was rejected -“because she was a female.” Finally she gained admission to the College at -Geneva, N. Y., and graduated in 1848. Are the <i>males</i> the only -“oppressors” of the gentler sex? No, no; woman is woman’s own worst enemy.</p> - -<p>Miss Blackwell was two years in Geneva, and so violent<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> was the opposition -of <i>her own sex</i>, that no lady in Geneva would make her acquaintance while -there. “Common civilities at the table, even, were denied me.” Entirely -different was the treatment which she received at the hands of the -students and professors of the college. “Here she found nothing but -friendliness and decorum, and, on the eve of her graduation, the -cordiality of the students in making way for her to receive her diploma, -and pleasantly indicating their congratulations, was marked and -respectful.”</p> - -<p>The following morning her parlor was thronged with ladies.</p> - -<p>Miss Elizabeth Blackwell visited London and Paris, and was entered as -student at St. Bartholomew’s, and also at “<i>La Maternité</i>” (The -Maternity).</p> - -<p>She returned to New York, and, notwithstanding “she found a blank wall of -social and professional antagonism facing the woman physician, which -formed a situation of singular loneliness, leaving her without support, -respect, or counsel,” she gained a foothold, and a respectable and living -practice soon began to flow in and crown her persistent efforts.</p> - -<p>Now her sister Emily commenced the study of medicine, first with -Elizabeth, subsequently with Dr. Davis, of Cincinnati Medical College. In -1852 she and her sister were permitted to attend upon some of the wards -(female, we presume) of Bellevue Hospital. In 1854 Emily graduated at -Cleveland College (Eclectic, I think).</p> - -<p>Through their united efforts the “New York Infirmary for Women and -Children” was established. “Up to the present time over fifty thousand -patients have received prescriptions and personal care by this means.” -Contrary to Mrs. Lozier, “they are firm in their conviction of the -expediency of mingling the sexes in <i>all</i> scholastic training. In their -mode of practice they adopt the main features of the ‘regular’ system.” -Nearly all other physicians are rather of the <i>Eclectic</i> system. Like Miss -Hunt, “she was bound by no regular school, as none had indorsed her.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span>There are many contemporaries of Miss Hunt and the sisters Blackwell whom -we might mention, but the history of one is the history of the whole, so -far as early struggles, opposition of the profession, and neglect and -disrespect of their own sex, is concerned.</p> - -<p>Frances S. Cooke, M. D., of the “Female Medical College,” East Concord -Street, Boston, Mrs. Jackson, Lucy Sewall, M. D., recently returned from -Europe, and a half-score others of Boston, much deserve more than a -passing notice, but our limited space will not permit. Also, Hannah E. -Longshore, M. E. Zakezewska, of New York, Miss Jane E. Myers, M. D., Mrs. -Mary F. Thomas, M. D. (Camden, Ind.), Miss Ann Preston, M. D., of -Philadelphia, Mrs. Annie Bowen, of Chicago, and others, “too numerous to -mention,” who, in spite of the opposition from their own sex, from the -profession, and the public in general, have gained a name and a competency -through their professional efforts.</p> - -<p>“A woman’s intellectual incapacity and her physical weakness will ever -disqualify her for the duties of the medical profession,” wrote Dr. ——, -of Pennsylvania.</p> - -<p>Edward H. Dixon, M. D., of New York, in an article published in the -“<i>Scalpel</i>” shows, by uncontroverted arguments and facts, that the male -child, at birth, “in original organic strength,” holds only an equal -chance with the female; that “the chances of health for the two sexes at -the outset are equal, and so continue till the period when they first -attain the full use of their legs.”</p> - -<p>Ask the mother of a family if the labor pains show any respect of sex.</p> - -<p>Does not the female show as strong lungs as the male in its <i>earliest</i> -disapprobation of this unceremonious world? How about the comparative -strength exhibited in the demonstrations of each when the lacteal fluid is -not forthcoming in proportion to the appetite?</p> - -<p>Let us consult Dr. Dixon further,—and charge it to the females!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span>“We give the girl two years’ start of the boy,—we shall see why as we -proceed. Both have endured the torture of bandaging, pinning (pricking), -and tight dressing; both have been rocked, jounced on the knee, papped, -laudanumed, paregoricked, castor oiled, suffocated with blankets over the -head, sweltered with cap and feather bed, roasted at a fire of anthracite, -dosed according to the formula of some superannuated doctor or -‘experienced nurse,’ or both, for these people usually hunt in couples, -and are very gracious to each other. We give the girl the start to make up -for the benefit the boy has derived from chasing the cat, rolling on the -floor, or sliding down the balustrade, and the torture <i>she</i> had endured -from her sampler, and being compelled to ‘sit up straight, and not be -<i>hoidenish</i>.’”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 256px;"><img src="images/img024.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“POH! YOU’RE A GIRL.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Well, they are off to school. Observe how circumspectly our little miss -must walk, chiding her brother for being ‘too rude.’ He, nothing daunted, -(with a ‘<i>Poh! you’re a girl</i>’), starts full tilt after an unlucky pig or -a stray dog. If he tumbles into the mud and soils his clothes the result -is soon visible in increase of lungs and ruddy cheeks.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span>“In school the boy has the advantage. The girl ‘mustn’t loll,’ must sit up -erect, the limbs hanging down, her feet probably not reaching the floor, -and the spinal column must bear the main support for three to six hours! -The boy gets relief in ‘shying’ an occasional paper ball across the room, -hitching about, and drawing his legs up on the seat, or sticking a pin in -his neighbor, and a good run and jump at recess, changing the monotony of -the recreation by an occasional fight after school. At dinner the girl has -had no exercise to create an appetite, and her meal is made up of pastry -and dessert. ‘Remember that her muscles move the limbs, and are composed -chiefly of azote, and it is the red meat, or muscle of beef or mutton, -that she would eat if she had any appetite for it, that is to say, if her -stomach and blood-vessels would endure it. The fact is, <i>the child has -fever and loathes meat</i>.’”</p> - -<p>While the boy, hat in hand, rushes to the common or rear yard to roll -hoop, fly his kite, or, in winter, to skate or coast down hill, the girl -is reminded that she has “one whole hour to practise at the piano,” either -in a darkened room, from whence all God’s sunshine is excluded, cold and -cheerless, or the other extreme—seated near a heated register, from which -the dry, poisonous fumes belch forth, destroying the pure oxygen she -requires to inflate her narrowing lungs, and increase the fibrine, the -muscle, and strength necessary to the exhausting exercise. She closes the -day by eating a bit of cake and a plate of preserves.</p> - -<p>The hungry, “neglected” boy has returned, and, with swift coursing blood, -strength of muscle and brain, catches a glance at his neglected lesson, -comprehending it all the quicker by the change he has enjoyed, bawls -boisterously for some cold meat, or something hearty, and tumbles into his -bed, forgetting to close the door or window; whereas the girl must be -attended to her room, “she is so delicate,” and, being tucked well in on a -sweltering feather bed, and bound<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> down by heavy blankets, the doors and -windows are carefully secured, and, committed to the “care of Providence,” -she is left to swelter till to-morrow.</p> - -<p>The period for a great change arrives, often catching the poor, uninformed -girl completely by surprise. Furthermore, the constant deprivation of her -natural requirements—pure air, wholesome, nutritious food, unrestrained -limbs and lungs—now become more apparent. In spite of the constant -drilling which she has received, she feels exceedingly <i>gauche</i>. Her face -is alternately pale and flushed; she suffers from headache,—“a rush of -blood to the head.” Stays and tight-lacing have weakened the action of the -heart, cut off the circulation to the extremities, and deprived those -parts of blood which now require the nutriment necessary to their strength -and support in the time of their greatest need.</p> - -<p>The ignorant mother sends for a physician, perhaps almost as ignorant as -herself; or, what is still worse, being a miserable time-server, seeing -the admirable opportunity for making a bill, straightway commences a -course of deception and quackery that, if it do not result in the death of -the unfortunate patient, leaves her a miserable creature for life, with -spinal curvature or consumption; or worse, by confinement and medication -destroy her chance of restoration; and should some unlucky and ignorant -young man take her as wife, and she become a mother, she surely will drag -out a wretched existence as a victim to uterine displacement and its -concomitant results.</p> - -<p>Physically, morally, and intellectually woman is not born inferior to man. -We have briefly shown where and how she has fallen behind in the race of -life in a physical view of the matter. The intellectual sense has kept -pace only with the physical. Morally woman stands alone; by her own -strength or weakness she stands or falls. Man scarcely upholds or -encourages her. Her own sex, we have herein-before<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> stated, is woman’s own -worst enemy! “Be thou as chaste as ice, or pure as snow, thou shalt not -escape calumny,” and if she fall, who shall restore her? The whole world -is against her; one half makes her what she is, the other’s scorn and -neglect keeps her thus! The “ballot” will not keep woman from falling, nor -raise her when fallen. The “church” does not exempt woman from the wiles -of men, nor its adherents raise the fallen to their pristine strength, -beauty, and respectability! Though Christ, the lowly, the magnanimous, -said, “<i>Neither do I condemn thee</i>,” his followers (?) cannot lay their -hands upon their hearts and repeat his gracious words. Where is the fallen -woman whom the church (not Roman Catholic) ever took in with that good -faith and spirit of sisterly love or brotherly affection, with which a -fallen man can, and is, often received into the church and into society?</p> - -<p>Echo answers, “Where?”</p> - -<p>O, deny this who will! It is no “attack upon the church;” merely a -lamentably truthful statement.</p> - -<p>The church, like society, withdraws her skirts from contact with the -fallen sister. “She is a wreck, drifted upon our shore, for which God -holds some one accountable. Not a wreck that can be restored—not a wreck -that money or repentance can atone for.” (What! not money? Then surely she -is lost, and forever!) “The damage is beyond earthly knowledge to -estimate, beyond human power of indemnification. If ever the erring soul -shall retrace her steps, it will be <i>Christ</i> himself who shall lead her; -if ever peace shall brood again over her spirit, it will be the Comforter -who shall send the white-winged dove.</p> - -<p>“But the merest lad detects the lost woman. She carries the evidences of -her guilt (or misfortune?) in the very clothes she wears, whether she is -the richly dressed courtesan of the Bowery, or the beggarly street-walker -of the village. There is a delicacy in, and a fine bloom on the nature<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> of -woman, which impurity smites with its first breath, and she cannot conceal -the loss nor cover the shame!”</p> - -<p class="poem">“If there be but one spot upon thy name,<br /> -One eye thou fearest to meet, one human voice<br /> -Whose tones thou shrinkest from, Woman! veil thy face,<br /> -And bow thy head and die!”</p> - -<p>Then is there no help for woman’s condition in this cold, uncharitable -world? you ask, in view of these facts related above. Yes; <i>but it rests -with woman</i>. It must begin with the first breath the female infant draws. -Educate her from the cradle. Give her the freedom of the boy, the pure air -that the boy breathes; not the romping, rude, boisterous plays, perhaps -(?), of the boy, but plenty of outdoor exercise, runs, slides, skates, -rides; let her laugh, yea <i>shout</i>, if it be in a country place, till the -woods ring again with the merry echoes, and the puzzled forest nymphs -issue from their invaded retreats, endeavoring to solve the riddle by -ocular demonstration which their ears have failed to unravel, viz., the -sex, as revealed in the strength of voice and buoyancy of spirits, or -expressed in unrestrained laughter!</p> - -<p>“O, shocking! How hoidenish!”</p> - -<p>Who says to laugh is “<i>hoidenish</i>?” A female invariably! And this is just -what we are explaining: women must change tactics as teachers. There is -time enough to instruct the <i>young</i> lady, after the girl or the miss has -developed muscle, vitalized her blood, and capacitated her brain for the -sterner realities of life.</p> - -<p>Let women learn to be true teachers of women.</p> - -<p>Begin at the beginning. This is the only way. Stand by one another in the -reform. Never mind the ballot; don’t try to wear the <i>breeches</i>. No—the -male attire I mean.</p> - -<p>The superfluous boarding-school education must give place to something -more substantial. Mrs. Dashaway is to the point:—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span>“No, Pauline; home eddycation is perferable. If there is a requestred spot -on this toad-stool I detest more’n another it is a female cemetery, where -bread-and-butter girls are sent and quartered for a finished eddycation; -and it does finish most of em.”</p> - -<p>“O, no, no, aunty. You mean <i>sequestered</i> spot, and sent <i>quarterly</i> to a -<i>seminary</i>.”</p> - -<p>“Well, well; you’ve got too many oceans in your head already of Greek and -zebra, of itchiology, and other humerous works; as for me, give me pure -blood, sound teeth, and a good constitution, and let them what’s got them -sort of diseases see the good Samaritan, and ten to eleven if he don’t -cure them in less than no time. Land! if Pauline ain’t drummin’ the -piany!”</p> - -<p>Shall women remain passively resigned to the lamentable physical condition -of her sex? or will she see where lies the main difficulty, viz., in a -<i>wrong start</i>,—in the superfluous, debilitating, <i>namby-pamby</i> education -of the female infant, miss, young lady?</p> - -<p>Thoreau wrote that he believed resignation a <i>virtue</i>, but he “rather not -practise it unless it became absolutely necessary.”</p> - -<p>“Resignation” is unnecessary in this case. Only let every woman arouse her -energies, and stand firmly in claiming her “rights” to rightly educate her -children, girls as well as boys, showing no respect of sex in their -<i>early</i> training, thereby “commencing at the beginning.” What is a house -without a good foundation? You may build, and rebuild, and finally it will -all topple over, overwhelming you in its ruins.</p> - -<p>There is no “right” that woman may claim for herself and sex in general -but men must and will concede. Man is not your master. “Habit,” “fashion,” -“opinion,” these are your only masters. These shackle woman.</p> - -<p>Do women dress for men? to please the opposite sex? or for each other’s -eye? “You know just how it is yourself.”<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span> Poh! What do men, generally -speaking, know of woman’s dress? Absolutely nothing! I boldly assert that -not one man in twenty, going out to a call, party, or even a concert or -opera, knows the cut and color of the dress of his wife accompanying him. -Woman dresses for women’s inspection. Whatever she does for fear or favor -of man else, woman dresses for her own sex.</p> - -<p>“What will Mrs. Codfish say when she sees this turned dress?”</p> - -<p>“Old Codfish,” her husband, is worth at least fifty thousand dollars, and -here is Mrs. Copyman, whose husband is as poor as “Job’s turkey,” standing -in dread of that woman’s criticism!</p> - -<p>Not one male in a thousand can detect a well turned dress, but I defy the -most cunning dressmaker to alter, retrim, frill, and “furbelow” a dress -that the female eye won’t detect at a glance!</p> - -<p>“I rather pay the butcher’s bill than the doctor’s,” says the father.</p> - -<p>“O, horrors! Just see that girl swallow the meat! Why, it will make your -skin as rough as a grater and as greasy as an Indian’s!” exclaims the -mother.</p> - -<p>Miss Primrose keeps our village school; she who wears the trailing skirts, -and was seen to cut a cherry in two parts before eating it, at the party -last week. She almost went into convulsions—not of laughter, as I did—to -see Kitty Clover astride a plank, with her brother on the opposite end, -playing at “See-saw.”</p> - -<p>“Here we go up—up—uppy; and here we go down—down—downy,” they were -singing in unison, when “ding, ding, ding!” went the school-bell, followed -by a scream from Miss Primrose.</p> - -<p>With glowing cheeks—that’s from the exercise—and downcast eye, from fear -of Miss Primrose’s anger, Kitty came demurely into the school-room before -recess was half over.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span>After a long lecture about her “masculine behavior,” “horrid red -countenance,” and “rumpled dress,” and “dishevelled hair,” poor Kitty is -sent to her form to “sit up straight, and not forget that she is a young -lady hereafter.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 396px;"><img src="images/img025.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“HERE WE GO UP—UP—UPPY; AND HERE WE GO DOWN—DOWN—DOWNY.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>And what of her brother who was on the other end of the plank? O, he is a -boy! “That’s what’s the difference!”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Love and Thoroughwort.</span></p> - -<p class="poem">“He’ll never die for love, I know,<br /> -He’ll never die for love, nor wear<br /> -Upon his brow the marks of care.”</p> - -<p>This is a true story, written for this work, but published, by permission -of the author, in the “American Union.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span>“So you believe me totally incapable of truly loving <i>any</i> girl, do you?”</p> - -<p>“I most assuredly do,” was my positive answer.</p> - -<p>My friend, George Brown, turned and walked away a few paces, looking -thoughtfully to the ground. He was a splendid looking man, about twenty -years of age; my late school-fellow, my present friend and confidant. He -was, what I did not flatter myself as being, a great favorite with the -ladies. Handsome, tall, manly, of easy address, a fine singer and dancer, -the only impediment to his physical perfection was, when the least -excited, a hesitancy of speech—almost a stammer. Finally he turned and -walked back to me, saying,—</p> - -<p>“Now, Ad, if you will agree to a proposition I have to offer, I will -disprove your assertion, so oft repeated, that I never loved—not even -that dear girl, Jenny Kingsbury.”</p> - -<p>“First let me hear your proposition.”</p> - -<p>“You have long desired to visit Bangor?”</p> - -<p>“Yes,” I replied.</p> - -<p>“Let us harness ‘Simon’ early some fine morning for that delightful city; -go by the way of B. and O., stop and see Jenny, who I have learned by -roundabout inquiry resides with her aunt in the latter place. And,” he -added, triumphantly, “see for yourself if she isn’t a girl to be loved.”</p> - -<p>“O, no doubt Jenny Kingsbury ‘is a girl to be loved;’ so was Addie, and so -was ’Ria, and a dozen others, whom you have sworn you loved so devotedly. -O George, out upon your affections.”</p> - -<p>“Will—will—you go? That’s the question.”</p> - -<p>“Yes—I will go—because I wish to visit Bangor very much,” was my reply; -and the time was at once set for the journey, which was to occupy two -days.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Brown, the mother of my friend George, was a devout Christian. She -believed in her Bible. Moreover, she was an excellent <i>nurse</i>, and next to -her Bible, believed in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> <i>thoroughwort</i>. Thoroughwort tea, or thoroughwort -syrup, was her panacea for all the ills, physical or moral, that ever was, -or could be, detailed upon poor humanity.</p> - -<p>“Before you start, boys—”</p> - -<p>“Boys! Where are your <i>men</i>?” interrupted George.</p> - -<p>“Hear me!” continued Mrs. Brown. “Before you start for Bangor to-morrow -morning, do you take a good drink of that thoroughwort syrup in the large -jar on the first shelf in the pantry. It’ll keep out the cold; for -there’ll be frost to-night, I think, and at five o’clock in the morning -the air will be sharp. O, there is nothing equal to <i>thoroughwort</i> for -keeping out the cold.”</p> - -<p>“Anything to eat in that pantry?” asked George, with a wink tipped to me. -You see I was to sleep with him that night, preparatory to an early start -for Bangor.</p> - -<p>“Yes, some cold meat, bread, and a pie. But don’t forget to first take a -dose of the thoroughwort syrup. Addison, you bear it in mind, for George -is awful forgetful, especially about taking his thoroughwort.” And Mrs. -Brown detained us fully fifteen minutes, as she rehearsed the remarkable -qualities of her favorite remedy,—“particularly for keeping out cold.”</p> - -<p>“Mother thinks that condemnable stuff is meat, drink, and clothing,” -remarked George, as we sought the pantry at an early hour on the following -morning, not for the thoroughwort, but for sandwiches, pies, and the like.</p> - -<p>“Let me take a taste of the ‘stuff,’” I said, as I noticed the jar so -conveniently at hand.</p> - -<p>“O, no; not on an empty stomach. It will make you throw up Jonah if you -do,” exclaimed George, with an expression of disgust distorting his -features. “Eat something first, and then, if you want to taste the -condemned ‘stuff,’ do so, and the Lord be with you,” he added, pitching -into the eatables.</p> - -<p>Having made away with the pie, and much of the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span>sandwiches, we turned our -attention for a moment to the thoroughwort syrup. I took a taste, and -George spilled a quantity on the shelf, “that mother may know we have been -to the jar,” he remarked, as we left the pantry.</p> - -<p>It was not yet five o’clock when we drove noiselessly away from the door. -If I remember rightly, we were not <i>noiseless</i> after that. The morning was -delightful, slightly cool,—but that was no impediment to our warm blood, -owing to the thoroughwort,—and we sped on in an exuberant flow of -spirits. “Simon” was in excellent travelling order, and went without whip -or spur. We should have reached the village of B., where we were to -breakfast, and bait Simon, by eight o’clock, but George would insist on -making the acquaintance, <i>nolens volens</i>, of half the farmers on the road, -ostensibly to inquire the way to B.</p> - -<p>“Hallo!” he shouted, reining up Simon before a small farm-house. Up flew a -window, and out popped a nightcapped head.</p> - -<p>“What d’ye want?” called a feminine voice. It was now hardly daylight, and -the person could not distinguish us.</p> - -<p>“Excuse me, madam, for disturbing your slumbers; but can you inform a -stranger if this is the right road to B.?” asked George, in his most -pleasing manner.</p> - -<p>“O, yes; keep right on; take the first left hand road to the top o’ the -hill; then go on till yer—”</p> - -<p>We drove away, not waiting for the rest.</p> - -<p>“Do you suppose that old woman is talking there now, with her nightcapped -head poked out of the window?” asked George, as we reached the hotel at B.</p> - -<p>“For shame!” said I. “Waking up all the people on the road, to inquire the -way, with which you were perfectly familiar!”</p> - -<p>From B. our route lay along the western bank of the beautiful Penobscot. I -need not detain you while I rehearse the delightful scenery <i>en route</i> to -Bangor; the variegated<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> and gorgeous splendors of the autumnal leaves; the -bending boughs, from the abundant ripened fruit, in colors of red, orange, -and yellow on one hand, and on the other the bright, glassy waters of the -broad river, dotted here and there by the white sails of boats and vessels -lying becalmed in the morning sunshine.</p> - -<p>We reached the village of O., and George made inquiry for the residence of -Mr. Kingsbury.</p> - -<p>“The large white house just across the bridge.”</p> - -<p>“Thank you.” And we drove up to the front yard.</p> - -<p>“Ne-ne-now, Ad, you go up and knock, and call for Miss Kingsbury; -ye-ye-you know I st-stutter when I get ex-ex-cited,” said George, hitching -Simon to the horse-post.</p> - -<p>“What shall I say to her? and how shall I know Miss Kingsbury from any -other lady?”</p> - -<p>“O, ask for her. I’ll compose myself, and follow ri-right up. You’ll know -her from the description I have given you. Black eyes and hair, full -form—O, there is nobody else like her. Come, go up and call for her.”</p> - -<p>“Well, I’ll go; and if I get stuck, come quickly to my rescue,” I said, -turning to the house. “Is <i>Miss</i> Kingsbury at home?” I asked of the young - -lady who answered my knock. “This person is surely not Miss Jenny,” I said -to myself; “cross-eyed, blue at that, and light, almost red hair.” She -smiled, took a second look at me, and said,—</p> - -<p>“Who?”</p> - -<p>“Miss Jenny Kingsbury,” I repeated.</p> - -<p>“Well—yes—I guess she is. Will you walk in?”</p> - -<p>“No, thank you. Will you please call her out?” And so saying, I beckoned -to George.</p> - -<p>The girl closed the door, and I called to George “to make haste and change -places with me.” He came up just as the door reopened, and a beautiful -dark-eyed woman appeared, whom he greeted as Miss Kingsbury.</p> - -<p>“I’ll see to the horse,” I said; and having taken a hurried<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> glance at -the young lady, I withdrew. For a full half hour I walked up and down -beneath the maples in front of the house, watched the steamer Penobscot, -as she came up the river, and from thence turned my attention to a -schooner that was endeavoring to enter the cove, not far from the house. A -light breeze had sprung up from the westward, and the channel being -narrow, there seemed much difficulty in gaining the harbor.</p> - -<p>Finally George came to the door and beckoned me. I went in, and received -an introduction to Mrs. Kingsbury and to Jenny.</p> - -<p>“O, but she is beautiful,” I whispered to George.</p> - -<p>He was flushed and excited, consequently stammered some, and I was -compelled to keep up a conversation, but I did not feel easy. Something -was wrong. I detected more than one sly wink between aunt and niece, and -when the cross-eyed miss came into the room, I could not tell whom she was -glancing at, as her eyes “looked forty ways for Sunday,” but she leered -perceptibly towards first one, then the other of the ladies. I hinted to -George that we must not delay longer. Still he tarried. Mrs. Kingsbury -seemed interested in the movements of the schooner in the mouth of the -cove. Miss Jenny was interested in George. I was interested in getting -away from them all. Finally the schooner was moored to the wharf, and, -standing at the window, I noticed a sailor, with a bundle on a stick over -his shoulder, approaching the house. A whisper passed between aunt and -niece, and the latter asked George to accompany her into an adjoining -room.</p> - -<p>It was now past noon. A pleasant, savory smell came up from the kitchen, -but no one asked me to put up the horse, and stay to dinner.</p> - -<p>The man with the bundle came familiarly into the yard. Soon George -returned alone to the room, and seizing his hat, he stammered, “C-c-come, -Ad,” and rushed from the house.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span>Mrs. Kingsbury attended me to the door, and wished me a pleasant ride to -Bangor. George jumped into the buggy, seized the reins, and giving a cut -upon the horse, bawled, “Go on, Simon.”</p> - -<p>“Hold on. First let me unhitch him,” I cried, seizing the spirited beast -by the bridle. I unfastened the halter, and jumped into the carriage; and -away flew Simon, snorting and irritated under the unnecessary cuts he had -received from the whip. At the first corner George took the back road -towards B.</p> - -<p>“Not that way! Hold on, and turn about,” I exclaimed, catching at the -reins. “Now stop and tell me all about it. Did you propose to Jenny? Has -she accepted, and are you beside yourself with ecstatic joy? Come, tell -me.”</p> - -<p>“Ho! Simon.” And laying down the reins, George drew out his wallet, and -taking therefrom a bit of silk goods, he turned upon my astonished gaze a -woe-begone look, and said,—</p> - -<p>“Ad, she’s mum-mum-married—”</p> - -<p>“Married!”</p> - -<p>“Yes, married; and there’s a piece of her wedding gown. The fellow you saw -come in while there, with the bundle on a stick,—the -land-lubberish-looking fellow,—was her husband. O my God! Did you ever?” -And so relieving his mind, he caught the reins and whip, and away darted -Simon at a fearful rate of speed.</p> - -<p>At Bangor I said to George,—</p> - -<p>“Well, there probably is no love lost on either side. She sold out at the -first bid, and you never had the least hold on her affections.”</p> - -<p>“Ah, I have had her confidence in too many moonlight walks to believe -that,” was his reply.</p> - -<p>“And it was all moonshine,—that’s evident,” I said.</p> - -<p>“No, no; I wish it was. I never shall love again,” said George, with a -deep sigh, and a sorry-looking cast of countenance.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>“No, I suppose not,” was my non-consoling reply.</p> - -<p>“Still, do you believe I never loved that darling girl?” he asked, almost -in a rage. “If that man—that <i>fellow</i>—should die with the autumn leaves, -I would at once marry Jenny, who loves me still,” he exclaimed, pacing the -room like an enraged lion.</p> - -<p>“He won’t die, however. He looks healthy and robust, and will outlive you -and your affection for his wife,” I replied, with a derisive laugh.</p> - -<p>It rained the next afternoon, as we returned home by a shorter route than -<i>via</i> O. and B. George talked a great deal of Jenny on the way back, and -said he never should get over this fearful disappointment.</p> - -<p>“Only think of the lovely Jenny Kingsbury marrying that fellow with the -bundle and the stick! O, I shall be sick over it; I know I shall.”</p> - -<p>“Especially if you take a bad cold riding in this storm,” I added, by way -of consolation. “However, you can take some of your mother’s good -thoroughwort—”</p> - -<p>“Confound the thoroughwort,” he interrupted.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>“Did you know that George is sick?” asked his little brother of me the -following day.</p> - -<p>“No. Is he much sick?” I inquired, in alarm.</p> - -<p>“O, yes; he’s awful sick—or was last night; and mother fooled him on a -dose of fresh thererwort tea, which only made him sicker,” replied the -little chap, turning up his nose in disgust.</p> - -<p>“Is he better now?” I inquired.</p> - -<p>“O, yes; ever so much <i>now</i>. I don’t know what ma called the disease he’s -got; but howsomever she said thererwort was good for it, and I guess it -is, ’cause he’s better.”</p> - -<p>I was called away, and did not see my friend George till a week after our -return from the little trip to B. He never mentioned Jenny afterwards, nor -said a word about the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span> thoroughwort tea. He took to horses after that, -and eventually married a poor, unpretending girl, quite unlike the -dark-eyed, beautiful, and wealthy Miss Jenny Kingsbury.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Brown still recommends her favorite panacea for all ails, physical or -moral; but whenever she mentions it in George’s presence, he exclaims, -with a look of disgust,—</p> - -<p>“O, confound the thoroughwort!”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img026.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="VI" id="VI"></a>VI.</h2> -<p class="title">QUACKS.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td><span style="margin-left: 9em;">“Verily,</span><br /> -I swear, ’tis better to be lowly born,<br /> -And range with humble livers in content,<br /> -Than to be perked up in a glistening grief<br /> -And wear a golden sorrow.”—<span class="smcap">King Henry VIII.</span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>ANECDOTE IN ILLUSTRATION.—DERIVATION.—FATHER OF QUACKS.—A MEDICAL -“BONFIRE.”—THE “SAMSON” OF THE PROFESSION.—SIR ASTLEY.—U. S. -SURVEYOR-GENERAL HAMMOND.—HOMEOPATHIC QUACKS, ETC.—A MUDDLED -DEFINITION.—“STOP THIEF!”—CRIPPLED FOR LIFE!—TWO POUNDS -CALOMEL.—VICTIMS.—WASHINGTON, JACKSON, HARRISON.—THE COUNTRY -QUACK.—A TRUE AND LUDICROUS ANECDOTE.—DYEING TO DIE!—A SCARED -DOCTOR.—DROPSY!—A HASTY WEDDING!—A COUNTRY CONSULTATION.—“SCENES -FROM WESTERN PRACTICE.”—“TWIST ROOT.”—A JOLLY TRIO.—NEW “BUST” OF -CUPID.—AN UNWILLING LISTENER.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>On looking over my “collection” on quacks and charlatans, I am so strongly -reminded of a little anecdote which you may have already seen in print, -but which so well illustrates painfully the facts to be adduced in this -chapter, that I <i>must</i> appropriate the story, which story a western -engineer tells of himself.</p> - -<p>“One day our train stopped at a new watering-place, being a small station -in Indiana, where I observed two green-looking countrymen in ‘homespun’ -curiously inspecting the locomotive, occasionally giving vent to -expressions of astonishment.</p> - -<p>“Finally one of them approached and said,—</p> - -<p>“‘Stranger, are this ’ere a injine?’</p> - -<p>“‘Certainly. Did you ever see one before?’</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span>“‘No, never seen one o’ the critters afore. Me an’ Bill here comed down t’ -the station purpose to see one. Them’s the biler—ain’t it?’</p> - -<p>“‘Yes, that is the boiler,’ I answered.</p> - -<p>“‘What you call that place you’re in?’</p> - -<p>“‘This we call a cab.’</p> - -<p>“‘An’ this big wheel, what’s this fur?’</p> - -<p>“‘That’s the driving wheel.’</p> - -<p>“‘That big, black thing on top I s’pose is the chimley.’</p> - -<p>“‘Precisely.’</p> - -<p>“‘Be you the engineer what runs the machine?’</p> - -<p>“‘I am,’ I replied, with the least bit of self-complacency.</p> - -<p>“He eyed me closely for a moment; then, turning to his companion, he -remarked,—</p> - -<p>“‘Bill, it don’t take much of a man to be a engineer—do it?’”</p> - -<p>The reader will perceive the distinction which we make between humbugs, -quacks, and charlatans, though one individual may comprehend the whole.</p> - -<p>“Quacks comprehend not only those who enact the absurd impositions of -ignorant pretenders, but also of <i>unbecoming acts of professional men -themselves</i>.”—<i>Thomas’ Medical Dictionary.</i></p> - -<p>This is the view we propose to take of it in this chapter, in connection -with the derivation of the word.</p> - -<p>The word <i>quack</i> is derived from the German “<i>quack salber</i>,” or mercury, -which metal was introduced into the <i>Materia Medica</i> by <i>Philippus -Aureolus Theophrastus Paracelsus Bombast ab Hohenhein</i>!</p> - -<p>“So extensively was quicksilver used by Paracelsus and his followers that -they received the stigma of ‘quacks.’”—See <i>Parr’s Medical Dictionary</i>.</p> - -<p>There is some controversy respecting the date of birth of Paracelsus, but -probably it was in the year 1493. He was born in Switzerland.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 395px;"><img src="images/img027.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE INQUISITIVE COUNTRYMEN.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span>Professor Waterhouse (1835) says, “He was learned in Greek, Latin, and -several other languages. That he introduced quicksilver,” etc., “and was a -vain, arrogant profligate, and died a confirmed sot.”</p> - -<p>“Paracelsus was a man of most dissolute habits and unprincipled character, -and his works are filled with the highest flights of unintelligible -bombastic jargon, unworthy of perusal, but such as might be expected from -one who united in his person the qualities of a fanatic and a -drunkard.”—<i>R. D. T.</i></p> - -<p>Mercury was known to the early Greek and Roman physicians, who regarded it -as a dangerous poison. They, however, used it externally in curing the -<i>itch</i>, and John de Vigo employed it to cure the plague. Paracelsus used -it internally first for <i>lues venerea</i>, which appeared in Naples the year -of his birth, though doubtless that disease reached far back, even into -the camp of Israel. The heroic doses of Paracelsus either destroyed the -disease at once, <i>or the patient</i>. Paracelsus proclaimed to the world that -there was no further need of the <i>Materia Medica</i>, especially the writings -of Galen, and burned them in public; his “Elixir Vitæ” would cure all -diseases. But in spite of his wonderful knowledge and his life-saving -elixir, he died of the diseases he professed to cure, at the early age of -forty-eight, while Galen lived to the age of seventy.</p> - -<p>So much for the “father of quacks.”</p> - -<p>For nearly four centuries mercury has been exhibited in the <i>Materia -Medica</i> to a greater extent than any other remedy. Doubtless it possesses -great medicinal virtues, but its abuse—the “heroic doses” used by the -ignorant and brainless quacks, both graduates of some medical college, and -<i>soi-disant</i> physicians—has made its name a terror to the people and a -reproach to the profession. To assail it is to tread on dangerous ground; -to invade the “rights” of a numerous host of worshippers; to uncover an -ulcer, whose <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span>rottenness, though smelling to heaven, is protracted for the -pecuniary advantage of the prescriber.</p> - -<p>Eminent physicians in every age since its introduction, and in every -enlightened country, have protested against its abuse; yea, even its use! -They have called its users “<i>quacks</i>,” the most contemptible epithet ever -introduced into medical nomenclature,—the “<i>Samson</i>” of the profession, -because through the instrumentality of an ass and his adherents, “it has -slain its thousands.”</p> - -<p>I need not quote those distinguished practitioners who have recorded their -testimony against its general and indiscriminate use. Their name is -legion, and every well-informed physician is aware of the fact.</p> - -<p>Do not “well-informed physicians” prescribe calomel?</p> - -<p>Certainly; but cautiously, and often under protest.</p> - -<p>It is recorded of Sir Astley Cooper that he made serious objections to its -free use in the wards of the Borough Hospitals, and forthwith the “smaller -fry” made such a breeze about his ears that he seemed called upon to -defend, and even palliate, his offence. Dr. Macilwain says that Sir Astley -is reported to have said in reply to those who demurred,—</p> - -<p>“Why, gentlemen, was it likely that I should say anything unkind towards -those gentlemen? Is not Mr. Green (surgeon of St. Thomas) my godson, Mr. -Tusell my nephew, Mr. Travers my apprentice (surgeon of St. Thomas), Mr. -Key and Mr. Cooper (surgeons of Guy’s Hospital) my nephews?”</p> - -<p>This was very <i>naïve</i>, and as good illustration of the value of evidence -in relation to one thing (his provision for his relatives) which is stated -in relation to another.</p> - -<p>Herein Sir Astley exposed a weakness with which the democratic opponents -of President Grant have accused him, viz., of furnishing comfortable -positions for his relatives.</p> - -<p>Sir John Forbes, when at the head of the medical profession of England in -1846, wrote an earnest appeal to his brethren to rescue their art from the -ruin into which it was falling,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> saying in relation to modes of curing -diseases, “Things have become so bad that they must mend or end.” This was -“dangerous ground,” and some physicians of the day feared Dr. Forbes had -done an immense mischief. After his death, be it remembered, some of the -“medical magnates” of this country virtuously refused to subscribe to his -monument fund, saying, “it was a misfortune to mankind (?) that he had -ever lived.”</p> - -<p>Dr. W. A. Hammond, surgeon general of the United States, also blundered -when, by an order dated at <i>Washington, May 4, 1863</i>, he struck calomel -from the supply table of the army. This proscription was on the ground -that “it has so frequently been pushed to excess by military surgeons, as -to call for prompt steps to correct its abuse.... <i>This is done with the -more confidence, as modern pathology has proved the impropriety of the use -of mercury in very many of those diseases in which it was formerly -unfailingly administered.</i>”</p> - -<p><i>The American Medical Times</i> (regular) said, “The order appeared not only -expedient, but judicious and necessary, under the circumstances.” <i>What</i> -circumstances? Read on further, and the <i>Times</i> editor explains: “No evil -can result to the sick soldier from the absence of calomel, however much -he may need mercurialization, when such preparations as blue pill, -bichloride and iodide of mercury, etc., remain. But, in prescribing these -latter remedies, the practitioner generally has a very definite idea of -the object he wishes to attain, which is not always the case in the use of -calomel.”</p> - -<p>By this timely order it was estimated that ten thousand soldiers were -released from a morning dose of calomel!</p> - -<p>Was this a blow aimed at “quackery”? Was Dr. Hammond, “a member of the -medical profession highly esteemed for scientific attainments,” attempting -a reform in medicine? Any way, Dr. Hammond shared the fate of all medical -reformers. He was suspended. He was disgraced.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span>The American Medical Association met at Chicago, and set up a strong -opposition to the “order.” Certain persons brought charges against the -surgeon general. A commission was appointed. The <i>Times</i> said, “The whole -affair has the appearance of a secret and deliberate conspiracy against -the surgeon general.... The commission is, in the first place, headed by a -person known to be hostile to the surgeon general. This fact throws -suspicion upon the <i>object</i> of the investigation.” Just so. The “object” -was to appoint some one instead of Dr. Hammond, who would repeal the -obnoxious order. No matter what <i>pretence</i> was set up beside, this is the -fact of the case, and the people and the profession know this to be true.</p> - -<p>But how shall we judge of the motives of Dr. Hammond but by <i>appearances</i>? -Who so well knew the value, or injury, of calomel, as he who had used it -for twenty odd years? Admitting Professor Chapman, of Philadelphia, was -within twenty years of right when he said, “He who resigns the fate of his -patient to calomel, ... if he has a tolerable practice, will, in a single -season, lay the foundation of a good business for life,” did not Dr. H. -exhibit a little selfishness in attempting to deprive young practitioners -of the opportunity of laying for themselves a foundation for a prosperous -future?</p> - -<p>“Doubtless,” said a medical journal of the day, “all <i>quacks</i> and -<i>irregulars</i> are congratulating themselves upon the appearance of this -‘order.’” This leads us to ask, “Who are the quacks?”</p> - -<p>The governor of Ohio, in 1861, made inquiry of the United States surgeon -general, to know if the regiments of that state could be allowed to choose -between allopathic and homeopathic surgeons.</p> - -<p>“<i>No: I’ll see them damned to hell first</i>,” was the gracious reply.</p> - -<p>The resolutions drawn up and adopted by the New York<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> Academy of Medicine -as an offset against the appeal for admission of homeopathic surgeons into -the army (1862), contained the following:—</p> - -<p>“3d. That it (homeopathy) is no more worthy of such introduction than -other kindred methods of practice as closely allied to <i>quackery</i>.”</p> - -<p>There were then some thirty-five hundred of that sort of “quacks” -practising under diplomas—mostly obtained from regular colleges—in the -United States. Shame!</p> - -<p>The Royal College, Dublin, the same year, in a resolution passed, called -Mesmerism and homeopathy quackery.</p> - -<p>In an article in the “Scalpel,” from the able pen of Dr. Richmond,—about -the time that the “swarm of vampires that was the first fruits of the -tribe of rooters that swarmed the State of New York under the teachings of -T. and B.” (Thompson and Beach),—he calls botanics and eclectics quacks -and Paracelsuses! Clear as—mud!</p> - -<p>So! The calomel practitioners are quacks. The homeopathics are quacks. The -eclectics, and botanics, and Mesmerics, are all quacks! Any more, -gentlemen? This is getting things somewhat mixed, and I rush to -Dunglison’s Medical Dictionary for explanation. Why, a quack is a -<i>charlatan</i>! I turn to “Charlatan.” Lo, it is quack! Clear as mud, again.</p> - -<p>In my perplexity I consult Webster. He refers me to a <i>goose</i>! So I rush -to Worcester, and he implies it is a <i>duck</i>! Perhaps the <i>bill</i> has -something to do with the name; especially as I am reminded of a suit -brought by a Boston M. D. to recover the exorbitant sum of three hundred -dollars for reducing a dislocation.</p> - -<p>Therefore, summing up this “uncertainty,” it seems to be a convenient -word, expressive of contempt, which any professional man may hurl at any -other whom he dislikes, or with whom he is not in fellowship.</p> - -<p>In its general use it is the <i>thief</i> calling, “Stop thief.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>It was no unusual practice for physicians of the sixteenth and seventeenth -centuries to use calomel in scruple, and even drachm doses. Mazerne -“habitually administered calomel in scruple doses.” Yandal gave it by the -table-spoonful. I knew a physician in Maine who usually administered it by -the tea-spoonful, and I saw a woman at Deer Isle, Me., suffering from true -anchylosis of the jaw, in consequence of thus taking his prescription. In -the same town was a man who was made completely imbecile by overdoses of -mercury. In the town of B——l, same county and state, once lived an old -quack, for convenience sake, near a large graveyard. <i>He “owned” it.</i> That -is, he is said to have more victims laid away therein than all the other -doctors who ever practised in town. “I knew him well.” Once he sent to -Boston for <i>two ounces</i> of calomel. There was no steam conveyance in those -days, and a sea captain took the order. By some mistake, <i>two pounds</i> were -sent. It was not returned. “O, never mind,” said the doctor; “I shall use -it all some time.”</p> - -<p>Every state, county, yes, every town, in the Union has its victims to this -quackery. In Rochelle, Ill., is a remarkable case, a merchant. Almost -every joint in his frame is rendered useless. He can speak, and his brain -is active. He has a large store, and he is carried to it every day, and -there, stretched upon a counter, he gives directions to his employés. -Though comparatively young, his hair is blanched like the snow-drift, -falling upon his shoulders, and he is hopelessly crippled for life. “He -does not speak in very flattering terms of the calomel doctors,” said my -informant. Neither do the thousands of diseased and mutilated soldiers, -the victims to quackery while in the army.</p> - -<p>“<span class="smcap">Speaking Facts.</span>—A little boy, ten years of age, and having a paralyzed -right leg, may be seen occasionally among his more able-bodied companions, -the newsboys, unsuccessfully striving to ‘hoe his row’ with his rougher -and more vigorous fellows. The limb is wholly dead, so far as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> its -usefulness is concerned and it was caused by giving the little fellow -overdoses of calomel, when he was an infant.</p> - -<p>“Another victim to calomel lives in the city of Hartford, in the person of -a young lady of sixteen, who would be handsome but for deformities of face -and mouth, occasioned by calomel given to her when a little child. She -cannot open her mouth, and her food is always gruel, etc., introduced -through the teeth. But the doctors stick to calomel as the sheet anchor of -their faith.”</p> - -<p>Behold <span class="smcap">Washington</span>, who had passed through the battles of his country -unharmed, and who in his last illness had, in the brief space of twelve -hours, ninety ounces of blood drawn from his veins, and in the same space -of time taken sixty grains of calomel!</p> - -<p>Who wonders that he should request his physician to allow him to “<i>die in -peace</i>”?</p> - -<p>Andrew Jackson was another victim to calomel, as well as to the lancet, as -the following letter shows:—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p class="right">“<span class="smcap">Hermitage</span>, October 24, 1844.</p> - -<p>“<span class="smcap">My dear Mr. Blair</span>: On the 12th inst., I had a return of hemorrhage, -and two days after, a chill. With a lancet to correct the first, and -calomel to check the second, I am <i>greatly debilitated</i>.</p> - -<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">Andrew Jackson.</span>”</span></p></div> - -<p>Was not this double quackery? First, it was the <i>Similia similibus -curantur</i> (like cures like), of the homeopathists, which the Academy of -Medicine has termed quackery. Second, it was exhibiting calomel to the -injury (debilitating) of the patient.</p> - -<p>President Harrison was another victim.</p> - -<p>Are not these historical facts? Nevertheless, it is treason to mention -them. “And why should any truth be counted as treasonable?” the honest and -intelligent reader is led to inquire. “For truth is mighty, and must -prevail,” eventually.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span>Yes, yes, truth will prevail. When bigotry and old-fogy notions are -uprooted from the profession, and all educated and benevolent physicians -strike hands and join fortunes to eradicate and discountenance all forms -of quackery amongst themselves, they will then possess the power to -suppress outside quackery. Far too many make a <i>trade</i> of the -<i>profession</i>; and just so long as educated physicians countenance or -practise any one form of quackery, so long will they be powerless to check -the abominations of charlatans and impostors outside of the profession.</p> - -<p>We have not introduced the foregoing facts in the interest of any -persuasion. With the bickerings of the various schools of medicine we -propose to have nothing to do, except to seize upon such truths as those -otherwise useless quarrels are continually revealing. Opposition will not -weaken a truth, nor strengthen a falsehood. You who are in the right need, -therefore, have no fear as to final results.</p> - -<p>It is hard to kick against the pricks of custom, and custom has perverted -the word which is the text of this chapter, and it is now more commonly -applied to the ignorant, boastful <i>pretender</i> to the science of medicine.</p> - -<p>Now we will introduce a few facts obtained from without the profession.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Country Quack.</span></p> - -<p>In the town of P——, Conn., there resided two doctors. One, old Dr. B., a -regular, and the other, Dr. S—h, an irregular. It was in the autumn, and -a fever was prevailing at this time, of a very malignant character. From -over-exertion and exposure Dr. B. was taken sick, and in a few days fever -supervened. This news spread terror over the immediate community, and the -old doctor becoming delirious, his wife and family soon partook of the -terror. A neighboring physician was sent for, but being absent, he did not -at once respond; and the invalid becoming, as they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> feared, rapidly worse, -Dr. S. was reluctantly called. He was known to be an ignoramus, formerly a -peddler, a farmer, horse-jockey, a fifth-rate country lawyer, and, lastly, -a doctor. Had Dr. B. retained his senses, he would have sooner died than -have admitted his enemy, this “rooter,” into his house. He came, however, -with great pomposity, examined the patient, whose delirium prevented -resistance, and ordered an immediate application of the juice of -poke-berries rubbed over the entire skin of the old doctor, as a -febrifuge.</p> - -<p>“But,” inquired the wife, timidly, “is not this an unusual prescription, -Dr. S.?” The doctor replied that it was a new remedy, but very -efficacious. “You see,” he added, with many a hem and haw, “it will -out-herod the blush of the skin, put to shame the fever, which retires in -disgust, and so relieves the patient.”</p> - -<p>“And won’t he die, if we follow this strange prescription?” asked a -friend, while the doctor was proceeding to deal out a large powder.</p> - -<p>“No, no; ahem! <i>You</i> do the <i>dyeing</i>, to prevent the <i>dying</i>. Haw, haw!” -roared the vulgar old wretch, convulsed by his own pun, and the -anticipation of the ludicrous corpse that he expected to see within a few -days.</p> - -<p>There was no alternative. The prescription must be followed, and the -children were sent to the woods to gather the ripe berries. The quack next -proceeded to deal out a dose of lobelia and blood-root, which he left on -the desk where Dr. B. prepared medicines when in health, giving directions -for its administration, and in high glee took his departure. The -inspissated juice of the highly-colored berries was applied over the face, -arms, and body of the unconscious doctor, the remarkable appearance of -whom we leave the reader to imagine.</p> - -<p>By mistake, a large dose of camphorated dover’s powders which lay on the -table was substituted for the lobelia of Dr. S., which with the warm -liquid applied to the skin, checked<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> the fever, and, contrary to the hope -and expectation of Dr. S., the following morning found his patient in a -fine perspiration, and the neighboring physician arriving, he was soon -placed in a condition of safety.</p> - -<p>Notwithstanding Dr. S. told some friends of the joke,—for the worst have -their friends, you know,—he was known to have prescribed for Dr. B., his -sworn enemy; and as the patient was pronounced convalescent, S. received -all the credit, and forthwith his services were in great demand. Day and -night he rode, till, by the time Dr. B. got out, he was completely -exhausted! He became alarmed lest he should take the fever. Such fellows -are ever cowards when anything ails their precious selves. He actually -became feverish with fear and excitement, and took his bed—and his -emetic. He took either an overdose, or not enough, and for hours remained -in the greatest distress. Finally, as a <i>dernier resort</i>, his wife sent -for Dr. B.! Now came his turn to avenge the insult of the painting by -poke-berries, which stain was yet scarcely removed from the skin of the -old doctor.</p> - -<p>“I’ll give him a dose; I’ll put my mark on him—one that milk and water, -or soap, cannot remove. O, I’ll be avenged!” exclaimed Dr. B., as he -mounted his gig, and drove to Dr. S.</p> - -<p>“O doctor, doctor! I am in fearful distress. Can you help me? Will I die?” -whined S., on beholding his opponent.</p> - -<p>“No; not such good news. Those born to hang don’t die in their beds. But -you are very sick, and must abide my directions.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, yes. Thanks, doctor. This blamed lobelia is killing me, though.”</p> - -<p>“Then take this.” And Dr. B. administered a half tea-spoonful of ipecac, -to bring up the lobelia. So far was good.</p> - -<p>“Now a basin of water and a sponge,” said Dr. B., which being procured, he -seemed to examine for a moment very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> curiously; then ordered the face, -neck, arms, and hands of the patient bathed well with the fluid.</p> - -<p>On the following morning Dr. B. was sent for, post haste, with the -cheering message that “mortification had set in, and his patient was -dying.”</p> - -<p>Off posted the doctor, calling several neighbors, <i>en route</i>, who thronged -the apartment of the invalid doctor in speechless astonishment.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 307px;"><img src="images/img028.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">CURIOUS EFFECT OF A FEVER.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“I’m dying, Dr. B.; O, I’m dying,” groaned S., rolling to and fro on his -bed.</p> - -<p>“No, you are not. I told you before, no such good news. Your fever is all -gone. You are scared—that’s what’s the matter,” replied Dr. B.</p> - -<p>“But look, just look at the color of my skin,—all mortifying,” said S.</p> - -<p>“O, no; that is merely dyed with <i>nitrate of silver</i>. It’s much better -than poke-berries—much better,” repeated Dr. B.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span>The recovered patient leaped from his bed, and, with an oath, made -straight for the doctor; but the bystanders, though convulsed with -laughter, caught the enraged victim, while, amid the cheers and laughter -of the crowd, Dr. B. made his escape, saying to himself,—</p> - -<p>“The nitrate of silver I put in the basin worked like a charm.”</p> - -<p>The story soon circulated, and Dr. S., being unable to remove the deep -stain from his skin, and the curious rabble from his door, left for parts -unknown. Dr. B., on revisiting his patients, who now rejoiced in his -recovery, found that S. had not only dispensed lobelia and blood-root, but -had bled and mercurialized several.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Remarkable Dropsy.</span></p> - -<p>The writer was acquainted with a young physician who was unceremoniously -discharged by the family of a beautiful young lady to whom he had been -called to prescribe, in a country village, his offence being the discovery -of the true source of the patient’s (?) indisposition, which fact he -<i>dared</i> to intimate to the mother. “An older and more experienced -physician” succeeded him, who reversed the diagnosis, and pronounced it “a -clear case of <i>dropsy</i>,” and the young M. D. went into disrepute. During -the entire winter the old doctor made daily visits to his patient. Daily -had the old ladies of the neighborhood adjusted their “specs,” smoothed -down their aprons, and, watching the doctor’s return, run out to the gate -to inquire after the health of the lady, the belle of the town.</p> - -<p>“O, she’s <i>convalescent</i>,” was his usual reply, with due professional -dignity; and thus the matter stood till a crisis came.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 320px;"><img src="images/img029.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">MARRYING A FAMILY.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>There was a ball in the village one night. About eleven o’clock a -messenger appeared in the room, who hastily summoned a certain young -gentleman, a scion of one of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> “first families” in town. At the same -time the minister was called, and the young man, standing by the bed, -holding the invalid lady by the right hand, while on his left arm he -supported a beautiful babe but an hour old, was married to the -“convalescent” patient. The old doctor had run a beautiful “bill,” but it -was his last in that village.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Country Consultation.</span></p> - -<p>The difficulty of obtaining competent counsel in the country can only be -fully comprehended by the intelligent physician who has had experience -therein.</p> - -<p>From Dr. Richmond’s “<i>Scenes in Western Practice</i>,” I have selected the -following lamentable incidents, which I have abbreviated as much as is -consistent with the facts, related by the doctor, who in this case was -called to a wealthy and influential family, two of whom, wife and child, -were prostrated by epidemic dysentery.</p> - -<p>“As my credit was at stake, an old and very grave man<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> was, at my -suggestion, added to the consultation, to guard our reputation from the -usual visitation of gossiping slander that always follows a fatal result -in the country. He examined the child, and gave his opinion that the -symptoms resembled those of ipecac!... But death was ahead of the doctors, -and the little sufferer passed quickly away to a better world.</p> - -<p>“Another child had died in the vicinity, and the <i>neighbors</i> decided on a -change of doctors for the lady. By my consent the inventor of the -‘Chingvang Pill’ was called, as I assured my friend his wife would now -recover without either of us!</p> - -<p>“He came, and readily detected the fact that he was in luck. His patient -and fees were both safe, and I was floored.</p> - -<p>“‘Of course, Dr. R., you will call when <i>convenient</i>,’ was a polite way of -‘letting me down easily,’ and I did call.</p> - -<p>“Everything went on swimmingly for two days, when suddenly the scale -turned; two other children were taken vomiting bile and blood. The doctor -was in trouble, and on my friendly call his eye caught mine, and spoke -plainly, ‘My credit, too, is gone,—the children will both die.’</p> - -<p>“The children grew rapidly worse; the council of the <i>neighborhood</i> -decided to call further aid. Another regular was called, and, being one of -the heroes, he advised (it is solemn truth, dear reader) <i>one hundred -grains of calomel at a dose</i>! His reason was, that he had given it to a -child, and the patient recovered. His medical brother thought it a little -too steep, and they compromised the matter by giving fifty grains! Copious -quantities of fresh blood followed the operation, and the little victim of -disease and quackery slipped from his suffering into the peaceful and -quiet grave!</p> - -<p>“One patient remained, and it was decided to call further counsel.</p> - -<p>“A simple but shrewd old quack was curing cancers in the neighborhood, who -sent word to the afflicted family that he ‘could cure the remaining child -by cleansing the bowels<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> with pills of butternut bark, aloes, camphor, and -Cayenne pepper;’ he would feed the little fellow on twist-root tea that -would at once stop the discharges. Strange as it may seem, the wily old -fool was called into the august presence of three M. D.’s, and a score of -other counsellors. He gave his pills; fresh blood followed the raking over -the inflamed and sensitive membrane; the child screamed with torture, and -was only relieved from its horrible agony by enemas of morphine. The -celebrated ‘<i>twist-root</i>’ (an Indian remedy, whose virtues could not be -appreciated by the educated physician) followed, and death closed the -scene.</p> - -<p>“The old cancer-killer escaped by saying the morphine given in his absence -<i>killed the child</i>.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 383px;"><img src="images/img030.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">’OPATHISTS IN CONSULTATION.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The following brief consultation occurred in Fulton, N. Y., recently:—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span>Two physicians were called, of opposite schools. After shaking hands over -the sick man’s bed, one said to the other,—</p> - -<p>“I believe you are an —’opathist.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, I am; and you are a —’pathist; are you not?”</p> - -<p>“Yes; and I can’t break over the rules of my society by aiding or -counselling with you —— for the sake of <i>one</i> patient. Good day!”</p> - -<p>“Sir, I mistook you for a Christian, not a barbarian! Good day!”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Jolly Trio of Doctors.</span></p> - -<p>Before entering upon an exposition of the viler and more reprehensible -sort of quacks,—the city charlatans and impostors,—I must relate a -diverting scene, also from a country consultation that occurred in New -York State some years since, from the perusal of which, if the reader -cannot deduce a “moral,” he may derive some amusement.</p> - -<p>Mr. H. was an invalid; he was the worst kind of an invalid—a -hypochondriac. The visiting physician had made a pretty good thing of it, -the neighbors affirmed, for “H. was in easy circumstances.” Finally he -took to his bed, and declared he was about to shuffle off this mortal -coil.</p> - -<p>Two eminent physicians were summoned from a distance to consult with the -attending physician. They arrived by rail, examined the patient, looked -wise, and the learned trio withdrew to consult upon so “complicated and -important a case.” A tea-table had been set in an adjoining room, and to -the abundance of eatables wherewith to refresh the distinguished -professionals who were there to enter upon an “arbitrament of life or -death,” were added sundry bottles yet uncorked.</p> - -<p>A little son and daughter of Mr. H. were amusing themselves, meantime, by -a game at “hide-and-seek,” and the former, having “played out” all the -legitimate hiding-places, bethought himself of the top of a high secretary -in the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span>“banqueting-room.” Action followed thought, and, climbing upon a -chair-back, he gained the dusty elevation, where he quietly seated himself -just as the three wise Æsculapians entered the apartment. His only safety -from discovery was to keep quiet.</p> - -<p>Corks were drawn, supper was discussed, and conversation flowed merrily -along. The weather, the news of the day, and the political crisis were -discoursed, and the little fellow perched high on the secretary wondered -when and what they would decide on his father’s case. Nearly an hour had -passed, the doctors were merry, and the boy was tired; but still the -little urchin kept his position.</p> - -<p>“Well, Dr. A., how is practice here, in general?” inquired one of the -counsel.</p> - -<p>“Dull; distressingly healthy. Why, if there don’t come a windfall in shape -of an epidemic this fall, I shall <i>fall</i> short for provender for my horse -and bread for my family. How is it with you?”</p> - -<p>“O, quite the reverse from you. I have alive twenty daily patients now.”</p> - -<p>“Very sick, any of them?” asked the local physician.</p> - -<p>“No, no,—a little more wine, doctor,—some old women, whom any smart man -can make think they are sick; some stout men, whom medicine will keep as -patients when once under the weather; and silly girls, whom flattery will -always bring again,—ha! ha!” and so saying he gulped down the wine.</p> - -<p>“Why, there goes nine o’clock.”</p> - -<p>“What, so late!” exclaimed one counsellor, looking at his gold repeater.</p> - -<p>“We must go or we’ll miss the return train,” remarked the other; “the -doctor here will manage the patient H., who’s only got the <i>hypo</i> badly,” -he added.</p> - -<p>“Is that a bust of Pallas he has over his secretary yonder?” asked the -first, discovering the boy for the first time.</p> - -<p>“I’m afraid Dr. —— has got a little muddled over this <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span>excellent ‘Old -Port,’ that he can’t see clearly. Why, that’s a bust of <i>Cupid</i>.”</p> - -<p>“Well,” exclaimed the local physician, “I have been here a hundred times, -and never before observed that statue; but,” eying the statue fixedly, he -continued, “it looks neither like Pallas nor Cupid, but rather favors H., -and I guess it is a cast he has had recently made of himself.”</p> - -<p>Through all this comment and inspection the boy sat as mute as a post; but -the moment the door closed on the retiring doctors, he clambered down and -ran into the sick room.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 316px;"><img src="images/img031.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A “HYPO” PATIENT DISCHARGING HIS PHYSICIAN.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The old doctor had slipped the customary fee into the hands of his -brethren as he bade them good night, and entered the room of his patient. -The latter instantly inquired as to the result of the consultation. The -doctor entered into an elaborate account of the “diagnosis” and -“prognosis” of the case, which was suddenly brought to a close by the -little boy, who, climbing into a chair on the opposite side of the bed, -asked his father what a “hypo” was.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span>“You must ask the doctor, my son,” replied the father in a feeble voice.</p> - -<p>“Hypo,” said the unsuspecting doctor, “is an <i>imaginary</i> disease,—the -hypochondria, vapors, spleen; ha, ha, ha!”</p> - -<p>“Well, papa, that’s what the doctors said you’ve got, ’cause I was on top -of the book-case an’ heard all they said, an’ that’s all.”</p> - -<p>The doctor looked blank. H. arose in his bed, trembling with rage.</p> - -<p>“By the heavens above us, I do believe you, my son; and this fellow, this -quack, has never had the manliness to tell me so;” and leaping to the -floor in his brief single garment, he caught the dumb and astonished “M. -D.” by the coat collar and another convenient portion of his wardrobe, and -running him to the open door, through the hall, he pitched him out into -the midnight darkness, saying, “There! I have demonstrated the truth of -the assertion by pitching the doctor out of doors.” H. recovered his -health. The doctor recovered damages for assault and battery.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img032.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="VII" id="VII"></a>VII.</h2> -<p class="title">CHARLATANS AND IMPOSTORS.</p> - -<p class="center">“Every absurdity has a chance to defend itself, for error is always talkative.”—<span class="smcap">Goldsmith.</span></p> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>DEFINITION.—ADVERTISING CHARLATANS.—CITY IMPOSTORS.—FALSE -NAMES.—“ADVICE FREE.”—INTIMIDATIONS.—WHOLESALE ROBBERY.—VISITING -THEIR DENS IN DISGUISE.—PASSING THE CERBERUS.—WINDINGS.—INS AND -OUTS.—THE IRISH PORTER.—QUEER “TWINS,” AND A “TRIPLET” DOCTOR.—A -HISTORY OF A KNAVE.—BOOT-BLACK AND -BOTTLE-WASHER.—PERQUISITES.—PURCHASED -DIPLOMAS.—“INSTITUTES.”—WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER OF INFANTS.—FEMALE -HARPIES.—A BOSTON HARPY.—WHERE OUR “LOST CHILDREN” GO.—END OF A WRETCH.</small></p></div> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The City Charlatan.</span></p> - -<p>A charlatan is necessarily an impostor. He is “one who prates much in his -own favor, and makes unwarrantable pretensions to skill.” He is “one who -imposes on others; a person who assumes a character for the sole purpose -of deception.”</p> - -<p>Originally the charlatan was one who circulated about the country, making -false pretensions to extraordinary ability and miraculous cures; but he is -now located in the larger cities, and is the most dangerous and -insinuating of all medical impostors. You will find his name in the -cheapest daily papers.</p> - -<p>Name, did I say? No, never.</p> - -<p>Of all the charlatans advertising in the papers of this city there is but -one who has not advertised under an assumed name. This is <i>prima facie</i> -evidence of imposition. Take up the daily paper,—the cheapest print is -the one that the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> rabble patronize, a curse to any city,—and run your eye -over the “<i>Medical Column</i>.” Of the scores of this class advertising -therein none dare publish his real name. There is one impudent fellow, -who, while he assumes respectability, and under his true name, has an -up-town office, and obtains something bordering on an honorable practice, -runs the vilest sort of business, under an assumed name, on a public -thoroughfare down town.</p> - -<p>These fellows usually advertise, “Advice Free.” This is not on the modest -principle, that, having no brains, they are scrupulous in not charging for -what they cannot give, however; but this is to get the unsuspecting into -their dens, for they are shrewd enough to perceive that whatever is “free” -the rabble will run after.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 252px;"><img src="images/img033.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">CONVINCING EVIDENCE OF INSOLVENCY.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>When once the victim is within the web, flattering, intimidations, and -extravagant promises, one or all, generally will accomplish their aim. As -they never expect to see a special victim again, they squeeze the last -dollar from the unfortunate wretch, giving therefor nothing—worse than -nothing! I sent a pretended patient to one of these charlatans not long -since, and, with crocodile tears in his eyes, he related his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> case to the -<i>soi-disant</i> doctor, who with great sympathy heard his case, and assured -him it was “heart-rending, and, though very dangerous, he could cure him;” -but the knave compelled the patient (!) to turn his pockets inside out to -assure him they contained but the proffered dollar. A small vial of -diluted spirits nitre was the prescription, for which the doctor assured -the patient he usually received twenty to forty dollars!</p> - -<p>I have visited several of these places in disguise, including those of -female doctors, and those advertising as “midwives,” every one of whom -agreed to perform a criminal operation upon the mythical lady for whom I -was pretending to intercede. Their prices ranged from five to two hundred -dollars.</p> - -<p>The following painfully ludicrous scene I copy from manuscript notes which -I made some years ago, respecting a visit to one of these impostors. I -vouch for its truthfulness.</p> - -<p>“I next bought a penny paper of a loud-mouthed urchin on the street -corner, and, reading it that evening, the words ‘Medical Notice’ attracted -my attention. It was all news to me, and I resolved to visit this ‘very -celebrated’ doctor on the following day, ‘advice free.’</p> - -<p>“Accordingly I repaired to his office, as designated in the advertisement. -There were several doors wonderfully near each other, about which were -several doctors’ signs conspicuously displayed; and, since I had heard -that ‘two of a trade seldom agree,’ I thought it remarkable that three or -four of a profession should here be huddled together.</p> - -<p>“‘<span class="smcap">Step in the Entry and Ring the Bell</span>,’ I read on a sign, in big yellow -letters. I did so, when a big burly Irishman answered the summons.</p> - -<p>“‘An’ who’ll yeze like to see, sure?’ he inquired, with a broad grin.</p> - -<p>“‘Dr. A.,’ I replied, eying this Cerberus with awakening suspicion.</p> - -<p>“‘He’s just in, sure. Come, follow me.’</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span>“He led the way across a small room, and through a darkened hall, around -which I cast a suspicious glance, noticing, among other things unusual, -that the partitions did not reach the ceiling. Thence we entered another -room, which, from the roundabout way we had approached, I thought must be -opposite the outer door of Dr. B.’s or Dr. C.’s office.</p> - -<p>“Here Pat left me, saying, ‘The ixcillint doctor will be to see yeze -ferninst he gits through wid the gintleman who was before your honor.’</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 346px;"><img src="images/img034.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“AN’ WHO’LL YEZE LIKE TO SEE, SURE?”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“I took a look about the room. The partitions on two sides were temporary. -On one side of the apartment stood an old mahogany secretary. Through the -dingy glass doors I took a peep. The shelves contained several volumes of -‘Patent Office Reports,’ odd numbers of an old London magazine, and such -like useless works. On the walls were a few soiled cheap anatomical -plates, such as you will see in ‘galleries’<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span> or ‘museums’ fitted up by -quack doctors, to intimidate the beholder. I could look no farther, as the -door opened, and a man entered, who, looking nervously around, at once -asked my business.</p> - -<p>“‘Are you Dr. A.?’ I asked.</p> - -<p>“‘I am. Please be seated. You are sick—very sick,’ he said hurriedly, and -in a manner intended to frighten me.</p> - -<p>“Five minutes’ conversation satisfied us both—him that I had no money, -and me that he had no skill. After vainly endeavoring to extort from me my -present address, he unceremoniously showed me out.</p> - -<p>“As I closed the door I looked to the name and number, and, as I had -anticipated, found myself at Dr. B.’s entrance.</p> - -<p>“Turning up my coat collar, and tying a large colored silk handkerchief -over the lower part of my face, I knocked at the third door, Dr C.’s.</p> - -<p>“The same Irishman thrust out his uncombed head and unwashed face; the -same words in the same vernacular language followed.</p> - -<p>“‘I wish to see Dr. C.,’ I replied, changing my voice slightly.</p> - -<p>“‘He’s in, jist. It never rains but it pours. Himself it is that has a -bully crowd of patients the day; but coome in.’</p> - -<p>“He did not recognize me—that was certain; so I followed, and was led -through a labyrinth of rooms and halls, as before, and ushered into a -small room, where the polite and loquacious Pat offered me a chair, and -giving the right earlock a pull and his left foot a slip back, he said, -with his broadest grin and most murderous English,—</p> - -<p>“‘I’ll be shpaking the doctor to come to yeze at once intirely.’</p> - -<p>“‘But he has others with whom he is engaged, you said but a moment ago.’</p> - -<p>“‘Ah, yeze niver mind. Theyze ben’t gintlemen like yerself, if yeze do come -disguised;’ and with a ‘<i>whist</i>’ he tip-toed across the room, applied his -ear to the keyhole of the door a moment, and returned in the same manner.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span>“‘It’s all right; now I’ll go for the doctor;’ but still he lingered.</p> - -<p>“‘Well, why the d——l don’t you go?’ I said, impatiently.</p> - -<p>“‘Ah, gintlemen always come disguised to see Dr. A.—no—Dr. B., I mean.’</p> - -<p>“‘’Tis Dr. C. I asked for,’ I interrupted.</p> - -<p>“‘Yis, yis,’ he replied, collecting his muddled senses. ‘Yis, sure, you -did, an’ gintlemen always swear—two signs yeze a gintleman. Could yeze -spare a quarter for a poor divil? By the howly mither, I git narry a cint, -bating what sich gintlemen as yeze gives me. I have a big family to ate at -home. There’s Bridget’ (counting his fingers by the way of a reminder), -‘she’s sick with the baby; then there’s the twins,—two of thim, as I’m a -sinner,—and little lame Mike, what’s got the rackabites, the doctor -says—’</p> - -<p>“‘Got the what?’ I interrupted.</p> - -<p>“‘The rackabites, or some sich dumbed disease,’ he replied, scratching his -head.</p> - -<p>“‘O, you mean rickets. But how old are the twins, and Mike, and the baby?’</p> - -<p>“‘Will, let me see. The baby is tin days, and not christened yit, for -we’ve not got the money for Father Prince, and there’s Mike is siven, and -Mary is four, and Bridget junior is five.’</p> - -<p>“‘And the twins?’ I asked, not a little amused.</p> - -<p>“‘Yis, them’s Mary and Bridget junior,—four and five.’</p> - -<p>“I interrupted him by a laugh, gave him the desired quarter, and told him -to hasten the doctor, which request he proceeded to execute.</p> - -<p>“On the heels of retiring Pat the door opened, and the same doctor I had -before seen entered.</p> - -<p>“‘I want to consult Dr. C.,’ I drawled out.</p> - -<p>“‘I am Dr. C.,’ he replied, measuring me from head to foot sharply.</p> - -<p>“Fearing he would penetrate my disguise, I hastened my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> errand. ‘Having an -ulcerated and painful tooth I wish removed, or—’</p> - -<p>“‘This ain’t a dentist’s office; but if you have any peculiar disease, I -am the physician of all others to relieve you.’</p> - -<p>“I being sure now of my man, that this same villain was running three -offices under as many different <i>aliases</i>, my next object was to get -safely out of his den.</p> - -<p>“‘I have no need of any such services as you intimate. ’Tis only the -tooth—’</p> - -<p>“Here he interrupted me by an impatient gesture, intimating that only a -descendant of the monosyllable animal once chastised by one Balaam would -have entered his office to have a tooth drawn. Admitting the truth of his -assertion, and offering my humblest apology, I hurriedly withdrew from -this <i>triplet</i> doctor.</p> - -<p>“Safely away, I reflected as follows: Here, now, is this scoundrel, by the -assistance of an equally ignorant Irishman, conducting at least three -offices on a public thoroughfare, under as many assumed names.</p> - -<p>“‘Why, the fellow is a perfect chameleon!’ I exclaimed, walking away. ‘He -changes his name to suit the applicants to the various rooms. You want Dr. -A.,—he is that individual. You desire to see Dr. B.,—when, <i>presto!</i> he -is at once the identical man. And so it goes, while his amiable assistant -seems to be making a nice little thing of it on his own account. Why all -these intricate passages? and why was I each time taken around through -them, and out through a different door from that which I entered? Did a -legitimate business require such mazy windings as I had just passed -through? Did Dr. A., B., or C., or whatever his name might be, rob his -patients in one place and thrust them out at another, that they might not -be able to testify where and by whom they had been victimized? Was not the -newspaper proprietor who advertised these several offices a <i>particeps -criminis</i> in the transaction? And with these facts and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> suggestions I -leave the fellow, who by no means is a solitary example of this sort of -fraud.’”</p> - -<p>On another street in this city is another branch from the Upas tree. I do -not wish to advertise for him, hence omit his <i>names</i>, which are legion. -Two of them begin with the letter D. The true name of this impostor -commences with an M. He is old enough to be better. I know of patients who -have been fleeced by him without receiving the least benefit, when the -knowledge necessary to prescribe for their recovery, or of so simple a -case, might be possessed by even the office boy.</p> - -<p>You go to his first office and inquire for the first <i>alias</i>. The usher, a -boy sometimes, takes you in, and, slipping out the back door, he calls the -old doctor from the next office. They are not connected. Through a glass -door he takes a survey of you, to assure himself that you have not been -victimized by him already under his other <i>aliases</i>.</p> - -<p>If he so recognizes you, he summons a convenient “assistant” to personate -the doctor, and thus you are robbed a second time.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">History of a Knave.</span></p> - -<p>The following is a brief and true history of one of the vilest charlatans -and impostors now practising in Boston. He has amassed a fortune within a -few years by the most barefaced villanies ever resorted to by man. He is -one of the most abominable charlatans, who, for the almighty dollar, would -willingly sacrifice the lives of his unfortunate victims, who, by glowing -newspaper statements and seductive promises, have been drawn into his -murderous den. By the side of such unprincipled villains, the highwaymen, -the Dick Turpins, with their “Stand and deliver!” or “Your money or your -life!” are angels of mercy, for the former rob you of your last dollar, -and either endanger your life by giving you useless drugs that check not -the disease, or hasten your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> demise by poisonous compounds given at -random, the virulent properties of which the vampires know but little and -care less.</p> - -<p>Their boast that their remedies are “<i>purely vegetable</i>,” “hence -uninjurious”, is as false as their pretensions to skill, and is counted -for nothing when we know that vegetable poisons are more numerous, and -often more rapid and violent in their action, than minerals. Both calomel -and other minerals are often <i>given</i> by these charlatans. I say <i>given</i>, -for few of them know enough to write a legible prescription, much less to -write the voluminous works which they put forth on “manhood,” “physiology -of woman,” etc., which are but so many advertisements for their vile trade -and criminal practices, and are intended to alarm and corrupt the young -and unwary into whose hands they may unfortunately fall.</p> - -<p>This fellow, whom I am now to describe, who sometimes prefixes “professor” -to his name, was born in the State of New Hampshire, and when a young man -came to this city to seek his fortune. After various ups and downs, he -became boot-black, porter, and general lackey in the Pearl Street House, -then in full blast. He was said to be a youth of rather prepossessing, -though insinuating address, and being constantly on the alert for odd -pennies and “dimes,” succeeded in keeping himself in pocket-money without -committing theft, or otherwise compromising his liberty. But the odd -change, and his meagre salary, did not long remain in pocket, for the -courtesans, who are ever on the alert for unsophisticated youth who throng -to the cities, managed to obtain the lion’s share from this embryo doctor, -whose future greatness he himself never half suspected. Disease, the usual -result of intercourse with such creatures, was the consequent inheritance -of this young man.</p> - -<p>“What, in the name of Heaven, shall I now do?” he asked himself, in his -distress and despair. “Money I have none. O God! what shall I do?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span>“Drown yourself,” replied the tempter.</p> - -<p>Such fellows seldom drown. Females, their victims, drown; but who ever -heard of a natural-born villain committing suicide, unless to escape the -threatening halter?</p> - -<p>No, he did not drown, though it had been better for humanity if he had. He -went to an old advertising charlatan, who then kept an office in a lower -street of this city, a mercenary old vampire, named Stevens. Into the -august presence of the charlatan young M. entered, and, trembling and -weeping, told his history.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 365px;"><img src="images/img035.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A BOSTON QUACK EXAMINING A STUDENT.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Have you got any money, young man?” growled the old doctor, wheeling -around, and for the first time condescending to notice the poor wretch.</p> - -<p>“No,” he sobbed in a pitiful voice.</p> - -<p>“Then what do you come here for, sir?” roared the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span>doctor, whose pity was -a thing of the past. His soul was impenetrable to the appeal of suffering -as the hide of the rhinoceros to a leaden bullet.</p> - -<p>The young man, fortunately, did not know this fact, and persevered.</p> - -<p>“I thought I might work for you to pay for treatment. O, I’ll do -anything—sweep your office, wash up the floors and bottles, black your -boots, do anything and everything, if you’ll only cure me. O, do! Say you -will, sir!” and the young man writhed in agony of suspense.</p> - -<p>“Humph!” grunted the old doctor, contemplatingly.</p> - -<p>Doubtless he was considering the advantages which might accrue from -accepting the proposition of this earnest applicant, for, after eying him -sharply, and beating the devil’s tattoo for a few moments upon his table, -the doctor condescended to “look into his case,” and finally to treat the -young man’s disease upon the proposed terms.</p> - -<p>M. began his apprenticeship by sweeping the office, and the old doctor -held him to the very letter of the agreement, keeping him at the most -menial service,—boot-blacking, bottle-washing, door-tending, -etc.,—protracting his disease as he found the young man useful, till the -old knave dared no longer delay the cure, for thereby the victim might go -elsewhere for help. When cured, M. engaged to continue work for the small -compensation that the doctor offered, especially since he and the old man -had begun to understand each other pretty well, and each was equally -unscrupulous as to the sponging of the unfortunate victims who fell into -their hands.</p> - -<p>When the doctor was observed to prescribe from any particular bottle, M. -took a mental memorandum thereof till such time as he could take a look at -the label, thereby learning the prescription for such disease; and the -result was a decision that if this was the science of healing, “<i>it didn’t -take much of a man to be a</i>”—<i>doctor</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span>When the old doctor was absent, M. would prescribe on his own account, -charge an extra dollar or two as perquisites, and deposit the balance in -the doctor’s till.</p> - -<p>In course of time, by this process of extortion, solicitations, and the -increasing perquisites, M. was enabled to set up doctoring on his own -account. The old doctor died, and M. had it all his own way.</p> - -<p>The young self-styled doctor saw no particular need of making effort to -acquire medical knowledge, but a diploma to hang upon his office walls, -with the few disgusting anatomical plates (appropriated from Dr. S.), -which were admirably adapted to intimidate his simple-minded dupes,—a -diploma from some medical society would give character to the -“institution,” and such he would obtain.</p> - -<p>Being cited to court as defendant in a certain case, this <i>soi-disant</i> “M. -D.” was compelled to retract a former statement that he had attended -medical lectures in Pennsylvania College, where he graduated with honors, -and come down to the truthful statement, <i>for once in his life</i>, and swear -that he had obtained his diploma by <i>purchase</i>.</p> - -<p>His present rooms—house and office—are located in the heart of the city, -and are not exceeded for convenience and neatness by those of the -respectable practitioner. Having amassed a great fortune out of the -credulity, misfortunes, and passions of the unfortunate, he has settled -down to the plane of the more respectable advertising doctors, and the -terrifying plates no longer cover the walls of the <i>best</i> reception-room; -but a few valuable pictures and the Philadelphia diploma are conspicuously -displayed above the elegant furniture and valuable articles of <i>virtu</i>.</p> - -<p>The same extortions and reprehensible practices are still resorted to in -order to keep up this “institution.” His earlier history is gathered from -<i>his own statements</i>, by piecemeal, by a confidential “student,” the -latter portion by <i>personal investigation</i> of the writer.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span>Respecting the matter of purchasing diplomas, I will state that I have -seen a “Regular Medical Diploma” advertised in the New York <i>Herald</i> for -one hundred dollars. The name originally written therein is extracted by -oxalic acid, or other chemicals. I knew a physician who parted with his -Latin diploma for fifty dollars.</p> - -<p>I here warn the youth, and the public in general, against those advertised -“<i>institutes</i>,” though the name may be selected from that of some -benevolent individual,—to give it a look of a benevolent character,—even -though it be a “Nightengale,” or a “Peabody,” or a “St. Mary,” and -managed, <i>ostensibly</i>, under the sanction of the church or state—beware -of it. Without, it is the whited sepulchre, within, the blood, flesh, and -bones of dead men, women, and children.</p> - -<p>Some years since there was found, after the flight of one Dr. Jaques (?), -in a vault in the city of Boston, the bones of some half score infants. -The murderous charlatan escaped the halter he so richly deserved, and was -practising in a New England village not above six years since.</p> - -<p>Another impostor, who has been extensively advertised in this city under -an assumed name—selected to correspond with the familiar name of a -celebrated New York (also a late Boston) physician and surgeon—who not -only cheekily claims to be an “M. D.,” but assumes the titles of F. R. S., -etc., was but a short time before a dry goods seller on Hanover Street. He -never read a standard medical work in his life. Although the villain has -gone to parts unknown to the writer, the concern he recently represented -as “consulting physician” is in full blast, and the same name and titles -are blazoned forth daily in the public prints.</p> - -<p>Men get rich in these “institutes,” take in an “assistant” for a few -weeks, then sell out to the <i>novus homo</i>, and the thing goes on under the -old name until the new man gains strength and confidence sufficient to -carry it along under his own or his assumed title.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Female Harpies.</span></p> - -<p>Under the name of “female physician,” “midwife,” etc., the most illicit -and nefarious atrocities are daily practised by the numerous harpies who -infest all our principal cities. The mythological harpies were represented -as having the faces of women, heartless, with filthy bodies, and claws -sharp and strong for fingers, which, once fastened upon human flesh, never -relaxed till the last drop of life’s blood was wrung from their -unfortunate victim.</p> - -<p>Virgil thus expressively described them in the third book of the Æneid:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“When from the mountain-tops, with hideous cry<br /> -And clattering wings, the filthy harpies fly;<br /> -Monsters more fierce offending Heaven ne’er sent<br /> -From hell’s abyss for human punishment;<br /> -With virgin faces, but with —— obscene,<br /> -With claws for hands, and looks forever lean!”</p> - -<p>I will describe but one of the modern harpies of Boston, appealing to the -reader if our text above is too severe.</p> - -<p>More than forty years ago, a young, fair, and promising girl came to this -city from the White Mountains of New Hampshire. From her maiden home, near -Meredith Village, from under the humble roof of Christian parents, she -wandered into the haunts of vice and the abodes of wretchedness and -disease in the lower part of Boston.</p> - -<p>Her maiden name was Elizabeth Leach. You will find her name in the City -Directory (1871) “<i>Madam Ester, midwife</i>.”</p> - -<p>We have not space to write out her whole history, nor inclination to -spread before the refined reader the first years of the gay life of this -attractive damsel, the seductive and sinful debaucheries of the -fascinating, unprincipled woman, nor the more repulsive declination of the -diseased and malevolent <i>bawd</i>!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span>The writer has seen a picture of her home in New Hampshire, a -daguerreotype of her in her virginity, and a painting, taken from her -sittings, in middle life. In stature, she is tall and stout; in manner, -coarse and repulsive. If ever I saw a woman carrying, stamped in every -lineament of her countenance, a hard, heartless, soulless, murderous -expression, that woman is Madam Ester. Neither the tears, the -heart-anguishes, nor the life’s blood of the fatherless infant, the -husbandless mother, the orphaned or friendless maiden, could draw a -sympathizing look or expression from the hardened features of that -wretched woman. <i>She is the John Allen of Boston.</i></p> - -<p>For years she has carried on, under the cloak of a “midwife,” the most -cruel and reprehensible occupation which ever disgraced an outraged -community. By extortionate prices she has gained no inconsiderable wealth, -and her house, though located in a narrow, darkened alley, or court, is -fitted up with an elegance equalling that of some of our best and -wealthiest merchants. From parlor to attic, it is splendidly furnished.</p> - -<p>She assured me she hated mankind with inexpressible hatred; that man had -been her ruin, the instrument of her disease, and would eventually be the -cause of her death. She cursed both man and her Maker!</p> - -<p>Last spring there appeared an advertisement in a city paper of a young -girl who was lost, or abducted from the home of her parents, in which the -young lady was described as being but sixteen to seventeen years of age, -of light complexion, blue eyes, of but medium height, named Mary ——; and -as she took no clothes but those she had on, never before went from home -without her parents’ consent, and had no trouble at home, her absence -could not be accounted for. Any information respecting her would be -gratefully received by her distressed parents.</p> - -<p>She was all this time at the home of Madam Ester.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span>The young man who completed her ruin, like the contemptible cur he was, -deserted her in her distress, leaving her in the hands of the miserable -wretch above described. The girl had one hundred and twenty dollars. A -part of it was her own money; some she borrowed, having some influential -friends, and the balance her father gave her, ostensibly for the purchase -of clothing.</p> - -<p>The old vampire appropriated every cent of the sum, and in fourteen days -turned the weak and wretched girl into the street, without sufficient -money to pay her coach fare to her father’s house. A young girl then in -the employ of the unfeeling old wretch gave her five dollars, and she -informed her kind benefactress that she should go home and say that she -had been at service in a family on Beacon Street, but being sick, could -earn no greater wages than the sum then in her possession. “The pale and -sickly countenance of the poor girl, after the abuse and torture she had -undergone,” said my informant, “certainly would seem to corroborate her -story.”</p> - -<p>Since the above was written the wicked old wretch has died—died a natural -death, sitting in her chair!</p> - -<p>On the last day of July, 1871, she sent a girl, a well-dressed and very -lady-like appearing young woman, to my office, to know if I could be at -liberty to give her a consultation that afternoon. She sent no address; -merely a “woman with a cancer of the breast.” She came. She introduced her -business, not her name. I pronounced her case hopeless, advised her to -“close up her worldly affairs, and make her peace with God and mankind, as -she could live but a short time.” This was given the more plainly, since -she “demanded to know the worst,” and because of her bold attempt to -browbeat me into treating her hopeless case. The cancer was immense, had -been cut once by Dr. ——, of this city. Her attendant told me that the -old woman never ceased to berate me for my truthful prognosis, and that -from<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> that time she gave up all hope of recovery, and soon closed her -nefarious practice. I have since gathered all the information respecting -her that was possible. I knew at sight that I had a remarkable woman to -deal with, and, agreeably to her invitation, I took another physician, a -graduate of Harvard College, and went to her house, ostensibly to consult -over her case....</p> - -<p>A woman who has known madam for many years told me that the old woman was -familiar with chemicals, and by the use of acids and alkalies could -completely destroy the flesh and bones of infants. She had never seen her -do it, but had seen the chemicals, and referred me to persons who had seen -the dead body of a female brought out from the house at midnight, and -taken away in a wagon. She said she practised great cruelty upon the -unfortunate victims who had been placed under her hands, and that their -cries had often been heard by the neighbors living in the court.</p> - -<p>She said that madam claimed to have been the wife of a policeman who was -killed at Fort Hill, and that she was also since married to a Captain -——. The latter was untrue. Madam told me she once <i>thought</i> she was -married, but it was a deception on her—a mock marriage. She possessed -great quantities of magnificent clothing,—rich dresses of silk, satin, -velvet, etc.,—and a beautiful wedding <i>trousseau</i>, which, but a short -time before her death, she caused to be brought out and displayed before -her.</p> - -<p>“O, take them away; I never shall wear them,” she said. And she never did.</p> - -<p>There is another female physician now residing in this city, who I know -has accumulated a considerable property as midwife; but if report, and -assertions of victims, are true, she has gained it by threats and -extortions. She is now out of practice, or nearly. Her <i>modus operandi</i> -was to take the unfortunate female, treat her very tenderly, get hold of -her secret, learn the gentleman’s name, business, and wealth,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> and -then—especially if he was a family man before—make him “come down,” -through fear of exposure. Men have “come down” with thousands, little by -little, till they were ruined pecuniarily under this fearful blackmailing. -I doubt if money could hire her to perform a criminal operation. She can -make more money by keeping the unfortunate girl, and blackmailing the -seducer, <i>or any other individual</i> who can be scared into the trap, -provided the guilty one has no money. “Blessed be nothing,” said the Arab.</p> - -<p>These people carry on their trade very quietly. Their very next door -neighbors may know nothing of the unlawful acts committed right under -their noses. It is for the interest of all concerned to keep everything -quiet. Their customers, and even their victims, come and go after -nightfall.</p> - -<p>There is still another class, mostly males, practising in this city, who, -under fair pretences and great promises, get the patients’ money, and give -them no equivalent therefor. Beyond the robbery,—for that is what it is; -no more nor less,—and the protracting of a disease (or giving nature more -time, as the case may be),—they do the applicant no injury. They receive -a fee, calculating it to a nicety, according to the depth of your pocket, -give some simple mixture, and bow you out.</p> - -<p>Many an honest patient, seeing their high-flown advertisements in the -dailies, weeklies, even religious (!) papers, from month to month, is -induced to visit these impostors. Their offices may be in a less public -street, in a private residence, and have every outward appearance of -respectability.</p> - -<p>There is a class of male practitioners, not unusually having a Latin -diploma, who never appear in the prints. They are the “Nurse Gibbon” -class, who employ one or more females to drum patients for them. The -following is a truthful statement respecting a visit to one in 1850:—</p> - -<p>“On my arrival on the steamer Penobscot at Boston, the lady met me, and, -according to arrangement, took me to see<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span> ‘her physician.’ His office was -on Chambers Street, left side, a few doors from Cambridge Street, Boston. -The doctor was an elderly, pompous individual, who wore gold spectacles, -an immense fob chain, and chewed Burgundy pitch. Let this suffice for his -description. Poor man! for if his own theology is true, he has gone where -Burgundy pitch will be very likely to melt. Excuse this passing tribute to -his memory, my dear reader.</p> - -<p>“Notwithstanding my friend’s lavish praise of her doctor, the first sight -of him failed to inspire me with confidence. I was introduced, and the -doctor swelled up with his own importance, and said, impressively,—</p> - -<p>“Those physicians—amiable men, no doubt—who have treated your case-ah -have been all wrong in their diagnosis-ah.” This was his prelude, as he -counted my pulse by a large gold watch, which he held conspicuously before -me.</p> - -<p>“Your kind friend and benefactress has saved your life-ah, by conducting -you to me before too late-ah.” He stopped to watch the effect of this bid -for a high fee before proceeding.</p> - -<p>“Ah, sir, had you but come to me first-ah, you would now be rejoicing in -perfect health-ah; whereas you have narrowly escaped death and eternal -torments-ah.”</p> - -<p>He again took breath, looking very solemn.</p> - -<p>“But, sir, I never heard of you before this lady wrote to me,” I said.</p> - -<p>“True-ah. I do not advertise myself. The veriest quack may advertise-ah. -Your case is very dangerous. <i>Hepatitis, cum nephritis</i>-ah,” he -soliloquized, shaking his head very wisely, while my friend nodded, as if -to say, “There! I told you so. He knows all about it.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, very dangerous-ah. But take my medicines; my pills—hepatica-lobus, -and my neuropathicum-ah, and they will restore you to health and -happiness-ah, in a few weeks-ah;” and he rubbed his palms complacently, as -if in anticipation of a good fat fee for his prescription.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span>“Will they cure this?” I asked, turning my head, and placing a finger upon -a tumor on the right hand side of my neck.</p> - -<p>“O-ah, let me see.” And so saying, he took a brief survey of the -protuberance, and coolly remarked that it was of no material importance. -As that was, to my mind, of great consequence, I was dumbfounded by his -indifference to its importance.</p> - -<p>Selecting a box of pills, and a vial of transparent liquid, the doctor -presented them to me with a flourish, saying, in his blandest manner,—</p> - -<p>“All there; directions inside-ah; ten dollars-ah.”</p> - -<p>“What!” And I arose in astonishment, gazing alternately at the doctor and -my friend, but could not utter another word. I was but a country -greenhorn, you know, and quite unused to city prices.</p> - -<p>My friend took the doctor aside, when, after a moment’s conversation -between them, he returned, and said that “in consideration of the -recommendation of the lady, he would take but five dollars-ah.”</p> - -<p>I paid the bill, and, quite disgusted, took my departure.</p> - -<p>That evening I carried the medicines to a druggist, requesting him to -inform me what they were. After examining them, he replied,—</p> - -<p>“The liquid is simply sweet spirits of nitre, diluted,” looking over his -glasses at me suspiciously, I thought. “These, I should say, are blue -pills, a mild preparation of mercury,” returning me the pills. A second -druggist, to whom I applied, told me the same, and, knowing they were not -what I required for a scrofulous tumor, I threw them into the gutter. -<i>Ah!</i></p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img036.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="VIII" id="VIII"></a>VIII.</h2> -<p class="title">ANECDOTES OF PHYSICIANS.</p> - -<div class="note"><p>“I find, Dick, that you are in the habit of taking my best jokes, and -passing them off as your own. Do you call that the conduct of a gentleman?”</p> - -<p>“To be sure, Tom. Why, a true gentleman will always take a joke from a friend.”</p></div> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>A WANT SUPPLIED.—ORIGINAL ANECDOTES OF ABERNETHY.—A LIVE -IRISHMAN.—MADAM ROTHSCHILD.—LARGE FEET.—A SHANGHAI -ROOSTER.—SPREADING HERSELF.—KEROSENE.—“SALERATUS.”—HIS LAST -JOKE.—AN ASTONISHED DARKY.—OLD DR. K.’s MARE.—A SCARED -CUSTOMER.—“WHAT’S TRUMPS?”—“LET GO THEM HALYARDS.”—MEDICAL -TITBITS.—MORE MUSTARD THAN MEAT.—“I WANT TO BE AN -ANGEL.”—TOOTH-DRAWING.—DR. BEECHER VS. DR. HOLMES.—STEALING -TIME.—CHOLERA FENCED IN.—“A JOKE THAT’S NOT A JOKE.”—A DRY -SHOWER-BATH.—PARBOILING AN OLD LADY.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>“There would be no difficulty in multiplying anecdotes attributed to -Abernethy (or other celebrated physicians) <i>ad libitum</i>, but there are -three objections to such a course. First, there are many told of him which -never happened; others, which may possibly have occurred, you find it -impossible to authenticate; and lastly, there is a class which, if they -happened to Dr. Abernethy, certainly happened to others before he was -born. In fact, when a man once gets a reputation of doing or saying odd -things, every story in which the chief person is unknown or unremembered, -is given to the next man whose reputation for such is -remarkable.”—<i>Memoirs of Dr. Abernethy, by George Macilwain, F. R. C. S., -etc., etc.</i></p> - -<p>Notwithstanding the great number of authentic anecdotes of physicians -which might be collected together, Mr. Campbell, the experienced -antiquarian bookseller, of Boston,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span> assures me there is no such book in -print. I have been many years collecting such, and for this chapter I have -selected therefrom those most chaste, amusing, instructive, and authentic.</p> - -<p>The following original anecdote of the great English surgeon I obtained -verbally from Mr. Sladden, of Chicago:—</p> - -<p>“My grandmother once visited Dr. Abernethy, with her eldest son, my uncle, -living in London, to consult the great physician respecting an inveterate -humor of the scalp, with which the child was afflicted.</p> - -<p>“There were a great many patients in waiting, and when it came my -grandmother’s turn, she walked up to the great man, and removing the boy’s -cap, presented the case for his inspection in silence. He took a quick -glance at the humory head, turned to the old lady, and said,—</p> - -<p>“‘Madam, the best thing I can recommend for that disease is a plenty of -warm water and soap. And, by the way, if that don’t remove it, the next -best thing is to apply freely soap and warm water. Five guineas, if you -please, ma’am.’</p> - -<p>“As my grandmother was the embodiment of neatness, she never forgave the -doctor for this broad intimation of the questionableness of her neatness.”</p> - -<p>Dr. Stowe told the following story of Dr. Abernethy and a live Irishman:—</p> - -<p>“It occurred at Bath. A crowd of pupils, myself one of them, were -following Mr. Abernethy through the crowded wards of the hospital, when -the apparition of a poor Irishman, with the scantiest shirt I ever saw, -jumped from a bed, and literally throwing himself on his knees at the -doctor’s feet, presented itself. We were startled for a moment, but the -poor fellow, with all his country’s eloquence, poured out such a torrent -of praise, prayers, and blessings, and illustrated it with such ludicrous -pantomimic displays of his leg, all splintered and bandaged, that we were -not long left in doubt.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span>“‘That’s the leg, your hon-nor. Glory be to God. Yer honnor’s the buy what -saved it. May the heavens be yer bed. Long life to yer honnor. To the -divil with the spalpeens that wanted to cut it off!’ etc.</p> - -<p>“With some difficulty the patient was replaced in bed, and the doctor -said,—</p> - -<p>“‘I am glad your leg is doing well, but never kneel again, except to your -Maker.’</p> - -<p>“The doctor took the opportunity of giving us a clinical lecture about -diseases and their constitutional treatment. Every sentence Abernethy -uttered, Pat confirmed.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 307px;"><img src="images/img037.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">DR. ABERNETHY IN THE HOSPITAL.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“‘Thrue for yer honnor; divil a lie at all, at all. His honnor’s the -grathe doctor, entirely,’ etc.</p> - -<p>“At the slightest allusion to his case, off went the bed-clothes, and up -went the leg, as if taking aim at the ceiling. ‘That’s it, be gorra! and a -betther leg than the villain’s that wanted to slice it off, entirely.’</p> - -<p>“The students actually roared with laughter, but Abernethy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span> retained his -usual gravity throughout the whole of the ludicrous scene.”</p> - -<p>Madam Rothschild, mother of the mighty capitalists, attained the great age -of ninety-eight. Her wits, which were of no common order, were preserved -to the end. During her last illness, when surrounded by her family and -some friends, she turned to her physician, and said, in a suppliant -tone,—</p> - -<p>“My dear doctor, I pray you try to do something for me.”</p> - -<p>“Madam, what can I do? I cannot make you young again.”</p> - -<p>“No, doctor; nor do I want to be young again. But I want to continue to -grow old.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Large Feet.</span></p> - -<p>Dr. Wood was a man of large “understanding.” One day at a presidential -reception he was standing in a large crowd, when he felt two feet pressing -on his patent leathers. Looking down, he discovered that the said feet -belonged to a female. Wood was a bachelor, and at first the sensation was -delightful. It made inexpressibly delicious thrills run all up and down -his body. But as the <i>impression</i> was all on the lady’s side, the above -sensations became gradually superseded by those not quite so delightful, -and finally the pressure became very uncomfortable. Mustering courage, he -said, very gently,—</p> - -<p>“Madam, if you please, you are standing on my feet—”</p> - -<p>“Your feet, sir, did you say?” For the crowd was so dense that she could -not possibly see to the ground.</p> - -<p>“Yes, madam, on my feet—this last half hour,” very politely.</p> - -<p>“O, I beg a thousand pardons, sir; I thought I was standing on a block. -<i>They are quite large, sir</i>,” trying to remove.</p> - -<p>“Yes, ma’am, quite large; but <i>yours covered ’em, madam</i>.”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Shanghai Rooster.</span></p> - -<p>Many people suffer more from the anticipation of trouble than by the -actual infliction. The world is full of “trouble-borrowers.” They -generally keep a stock on hand to lend to those who unfortunately are -compelled to listen to them. The following is a mitigated case:—</p> - -<p>“Sir,” said a physician visiting a patient in the suburbs of this city, to -a neighbor, “your Shanghai greatly disturbs my patient.”</p> - -<p>“Is it possible?” asked the neighbor, expressing surprise.</p> - -<p>“Yes, the bird is a terrible nuisance, giving the patient no peace, day or -night, he informs me; but he did not want to complain.”</p> - -<p>“But,” replied the sceptical owner, “I don’t see how he can annoy neighbor -B. Why, he only crows twice in the night, and only two or three times at -regular intervals during the day.”</p> - -<p>“Yes; but you don’t take into consideration all the times the patient is -<i>expecting</i> him to crow.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Spreading Herself.</span></p> - -<p>In a country town in Maine the writer knew an elderly physician, who had -married a wife much younger than himself, whose aristocratic notions -hardly coincided with those of this democratic people, though she had now -lived here several years. Finally a young physician came into the place -and commenced practice. Among the patients that he obtained from the old -doctor’s former practice was one named Higgins.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Higgins, whose daughter had just recovered from a fever, gave a -party, to which the families of both doctors, with the two ministers, and -others, were invited.</p> - -<p>“Will you go to Mrs. Higgins’s party?” asked a neighbor of the old -doctor’s wife.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span>“Yes, I intend to go, by all means, for I want to see old Mother Higgins -and her new doctor spread themselves.”</p> - -<p>This reminds me of the following story, which is too good to be lost:—</p> - -<p>“‘Once upon a time,’ an old lady sent her grandson to set a turkey,—not -the gobbler, as did the parson in Mrs. Stowe’s ‘Minister’s Wooing.’ On his -return, the following dialogue occurred:—</p> - -<p>“‘Sammy, my dear, have you set her?’</p> - -<p>“‘Yes, grandma,’ replied Hopeful.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img038.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“AN EXTENSIVE SET.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“‘Fixed the nest up all nice, Sammy?’</p> - -<p>“‘O, mighty fine, grandma.’</p> - -<p>“‘Did you count the eggs, Sammy, and get an odd number?’</p> - -<p>“‘Yes, grandma.’</p> - -<p>“‘How many eggs did you set her on, Sammy, dear?’</p> - -<p>“‘One hundred and twenty-one, grandma.’</p> - -<p>“‘O, goodness gracious! Why did you put so many eggs under her, Sammy?’</p> - -<p>“‘Why, grandma, I wanted to see the old thing spread herself.’”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Kerosene.</span></p> - -<p>Some editors are continually making themselves ridiculous, as well as -endangering the life of some person as ignorant in the matter as -themselves, by publishing at random “remedies” for certain complaints, of -both of which—remedy and disease—they knew nothing. The following I cut -from a paper:—</p> - -<p>“One thing I will mention which may be useful to some one. Kerosene oil -has been found effective as a vermifuge. It is given by the mouth for -round stomach worms, and as an enema for pin worms. It is free from the -irritation which follows the use of spirits turpentine, and is equally as -effective.” (No directions as to quantity at a dose.)</p> - -<p>An Irishwoman in Hartford, Conn., spelling out the above in a newspaper, -concluded to give her child, a boy of ten, a dose, under the belief that -“wurrums ailed the child,” and as it was harmless (?), she would give him -the benefit of its harmlessness, and her ignorance, and administered -accordingly a <i>tea-cup full</i>!</p> - -<p>Frightful symptoms supervened,—colic, vomiting, etc.,—when a doctor was -sent for, who being absent, his student—who hardly understood the danger -of the case, and was a bit of a wag, by the way—sent the following -prescription:—</p> - -<p>“℞. Run a wick down the child’s throat; any lamp or candle wick will do, -provided it is long enough; set fire to the end left outside, <i>and use him -for a lamp till the doctor arrives</i>.” <span class="smcap">Selah.</span></p> - -<p>This may seem too ridiculous to believe, but it is the truth, -nevertheless.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Saleratus vs. Sugar.</span></p> - -<p>Early one summer morning, while practising in Plymouth, Conn., the writer -was startled by a loud knock at the front<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> door, which I hastened to -answer. There stood an Irishman, well known as living in a little hut, -down on the “Meadows,” whose name was Fitzgibbon. He was all out of -breath, and the great drops of sweat were rolling all down his rough face, -which he was endeavoring to mop up with a huge bandanna handkerchief. As -soon as he could possibly articulate, he exclaimed,—</p> - -<p>“O, docther, docther! take yourself—down to that sha-anty as quick as ye -conva-niantly can, plaze.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 428px;"><img src="images/img039.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“O, DOCTHER, DEAR, I’VE PIZENED ME BOY.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Why, what’s the matter at the shanty, Fitzgibbon?”</p> - -<p>“O, docther, dear, I’ve pizened my boy; what will I do intirely?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span>“How did it happen? Don’t be alarmed, Fitzgibbon.” For his manner was -frightful.</p> - -<p>“Will, I’ll till yeze. He’s been sick wid the masles. Will, he’s ate -nothin’ for a hole wake, and in the night he wanted some bread an’ sugar, -do ye see? an’ I had no candle, an’ I wint in the dark, an’ spread him -some bread, an’ he ate it intirely, an’ it was saleratus I put on it, -instead of sugar; an’ it’s now atin’ him intirely! O, dear, dear, that I -should iver give him saleratus instead o’ sugar!”</p> - -<p>“Well, Fitzgibbon, if the boy is so big a fool that he don’t know the -difference between saleratus and sugar, let him die.”</p> - -<p>“O, docther, don’t say so!” exclaimed the poor fellow, in agony.</p> - -<p>Then I suddenly recollected that the sense of taste was always vitiated in -measles, and thus excused the matter, adding,—</p> - -<p>“Now, run home, ’Gibbon, and give the little fellow a tea-spoonful of -vinegar in a little sugar and water,—not saleratus and water, mind you.”</p> - -<p>“No, by the great St. Patrick, I’ll niver mistake the likes again,” he -earnestly interrupted, when I went on, saying,—</p> - -<p>“Then in half an hour give him another tea-spoonful, and that will relieve -the ‘gnawing at his stomach,’ and by an hour I’ll drive round there and -see him, on my way to Watertown.”</p> - -<p>“I’ll trust to yeze to git it out of him. God bless yeze;” and away he -darted, saying, “O, howly mother! that I should give him saleratus for -sugar!”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">His last Joke.</span></p> - -<p>A celebrated English physician, who was also a distinguished humorist, -when about to die, requested that none of his friends be invited to his -funeral.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span>A friend inquired the reason of this remarkable request.</p> - -<p>“Because,” sighed the dying but polite humorist, “it is a courtesy which -can never be returned.”</p> - -<p>Charles Matthews, the celebrated comedian, who died in 1837, put the above -entirely in the shade by <i>his</i> last joke.</p> - -<p>The attending physician had left Mr. Matthews some medicine in a vial, -which a friend was to administer during the night. By mistake, he gave the -patient some ink from a vial which stood near. On discovering the error, -his friend exclaimed, “O, gracious Heavens, Matthews, I have given you -ink, instead of medicine.”</p> - -<p>“Never—never mind, my dear boy,” said the dying man faintly; “<i>I will -swallow a piece of blotting paper</i>.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">An astonished Negro.</span></p> - -<p>Dr. Robertson, of Charleston, S. C., who attended the writer in 1852, with -the yellow fever, was as competent, benevolent, and faithful a physician -as I ever had the pleasure of meeting. His services were in great demand -during the raging of the “yellow Jack,” and on one occasion he was absent -from his house and office two whole days and a night. His family became -alarmed, and a faithful old negro was sent in search of his master. It was -no uncommon occurrence to see a black man traversing the streets, ringing -a bell, and crying a “lost child;” but to see a slave searching for his -lost master, was almost a phenomenon.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 350px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img040.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“LOST MARSER! LOST MARSER!”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span>It was quite dark, and the old negro was shuffling along King Street, -crying, “Masser Rob’son lost, Masser Rob’son lost,” when suddenly he was -brought to a halt, and silenced by some one saying,—</p> - -<p>“What’s that you are crying, Neb?” His name was Nebuchadnezzar.</p> - -<p>“O, de Lord! if Masser Dr. Rob’son hain’t been an’ loss hisself!”</p> - -<p>“You old fool, Neb, I am your master—Dr. Robertson. Don’t you know me -now?” exclaimed a familiar voice.</p> - -<p>Sure enough, it was the doctor, returning from his numerous visits, tired -and dust-covered.</p> - -<p>The whole thing solemnly impressed the old darky, who, a day or two later, -was met by a ranting Methodist, vulgarly termed a “<i>carpet-bagger</i>,” who, -in a solemn voice, said,—</p> - -<p>“My colored friend, have you yet found the Lord Jesus?”</p> - -<p>“O, golly, masser!” exclaimed the old negro in astonishment; “hab de Lord -done gone an’ loss hisself?”</p> - -<p>(I have seen the last part of this anecdote floating about the newspapers; -but did ever any one see the former connection, or even the latter before -1852?)</p> - -<p>The writer was but a poor medical student, and an invalid, seeking here a -more salubrious climate, away from the frosts and snows of his northern -home, and though twenty years have since flown, I have not forgotten, and -never shall, the kindness and attention received at the hands of the -benevolent Dr. Robertson. While many who went out with me that fall fell -victims to the fearful endemic before Jack Frost put a stop to its -ravages, I escaped the grim monster Death; and to the superior knowledge -and efficient treatment of Dr. R., with the excellent care of the -benevolent landlady, Mrs. Butterfield, I owe my life.</p> - -<p>Morning and evening the doctor’s patter-patter was heard on the -stairs,—three flights to climb. The whole case was gone over, and then, -if the good old doctor had a moment to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> spare, he would retail some little -anecdote “with which to leave me in good spirits.”</p> - -<p>The following is one:—</p> - -<p>“Mr. Bacon, of Edgefield, was once courting a lady who had frequently -refused him; but he, with commendable perseverance, had as often renewed -the suit, until at last she became so exceedingly annoyed at his -importunities that she told him that she could never marry a man whose -tastes, opinions, likes and dislikes were so completely in opposition to -her own as were his.</p> - -<p>“‘In fact, Mr. Bacon,’ she is represented as having said, ‘I do not think -there is one subject on earth upon which we could agree.’</p> - -<p>“‘I assure you, dear madam, that you are mistaken, which I can prove.’</p> - -<p>“‘If you will mention one, I will agree to marry you,’ replied the lady.</p> - -<p>“‘Well, I will do it,’ replied Mr. Bacon. ‘Suppose now you and I were -travelling together; we arrive at a hotel which is crowded; there are only -two rooms not entirely occupied, in one of which there is a man, in the -other a woman: with which would you prefer to sleep?’</p> - -<p>“The lady arose indignantly, and replied, ‘With the woman, of course, -sir.’</p> - -<p>“‘So would I,’ replied Mr. Bacon, triumphantly.”</p> - -<p>(My room had two beds in it, which suggested the above story.)</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Dr. K.’s Mare.</span></p> - -<p>The outline of the following ludicrous “situation” was given me by a -gentleman of Framingham:—</p> - -<p>Old Dr. K., of F., was represented as a rough and off-handed specimen of -the genus <i>homo</i>, who liked a horse even better than a woman,—not that he -was by any means unmindful of the charms and claims of the -beautiful,—better<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> than he loved money, though the latter passion -bordered on avariciousness.</p> - -<p>An over-nice and sensitive spinster once was visiting the family of Mr. -T., in town, which employed a younger and more refined physician than Dr. -K.; and the spinster, being somewhat indisposed, requested Mr. T. to call -a physician. His own family doctor was suggested; but on close inquiry, -she concluded to have “the oldest and most experienced physician that the -town afforded,” and old Dr. K. was called.</p> - -<p>Mr. T. had just purchased a beautiful mare, which the doctor was desirous -of possessing; and the animal was the subject of conversation as the two -entered the house, even to the parlor, where the spinster reclined upon a -sofa. The old doctor examined the lady for a moment in silence, but his -mind was all absorbed in the reputed qualities of the mare, as he timed -the lady’s pulse.</p> - -<p>“Slightly nervous,” he said to the spinster. “Tongue? Ah! coated. Throat -sore?” and turning towards T., he resumed the horse discussion, still -holding the lady’s wrist. “Good wind, Mr. T.? No spavins? Nothing the -matter? Suppose you trot her out this afternoon.”</p> - -<p>The spinster, supposing the conversation alluded to her, went into the -most extreme kind of hysterics.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">A Scared Customer.</span>”</p> - -<p>We give this incident for what it is worth.</p> - -<p>A man recently entered a restaurant in Utica, N. Y., and ordered a very -elaborate dinner. He lingered long at the table, and finally wound up with -a bottle of wine. Then lighting a cigar, he sauntered up to the bar, and -remarked to the proprietor,—</p> - -<p>“Very fine dinner, landlord. Just charge it, for I haven’t a cent.”</p> - -<p>“But I don’t know you,” replied the proprietor, indignantly.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span>“No, of course you don’t, or you never would have let me have the dinner.”</p> - -<p>“Pay me for the dinner, I say,” shouted the landlord.</p> - -<p>“And I say I can’t,” vociferated the customer.</p> - -<p>“Then I’ll see about it,” exclaimed the proprietor, who snatched something -from a drawer, leaped over the counter, and grasping the man by the -collar, pointed something at his throat. “I’ll see if you get away with -that dinner without paying for it, you scoundrel.”</p> - -<p>“What is that you hold in your hand?” demanded the now affrighted -customer, trying to get a sight at the article.</p> - -<p>“That, sir, is a revolver; loaded, sir.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 334px;"><img src="images/img041.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">NOT A STOMACH-PUMP.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“O, d—— that; I don’t care a continental for a revolver; I’ve got one -myself. <i>I was afraid it was a stomach-pump!</i>”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span></p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">What’s Trumps?</span>”</p> - -<p>Mrs. Bray, in her book of <i>Anecdotes</i>, relates a story illustrative of the -power of the ruling passion.</p> - -<p>“A Devonshire physician, boasting the not untradesman-like name of Vial, -was a desperate lover of the game of whist. One evening, during his -opponent’s deal, he fell to the floor in a fit. Consternation seized on -the company, who knew not if the doctor was dead or alive. Finally he -showed signs of returning life, and retaining the last cherished idea that -had possessed him on falling into the fit, he resumed his chair, -exclaiming, ‘<i>What’s trumps, boys?</i>’”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>The writer was present at a similar occurrence. There were a half score of -boys seated upon some logs near the country school-house, during recess, -listening to a story, something about “an old woman who had just reached a -well, with a pitcher to obtain some water, when the old lady tripped her -toe, and fell into the well head foremost.”</p> - -<p>At this juncture one of the listeners fell forward from the log in a fit. -We were greatly frightened, but mustered sufficient courage to throw some -water in the boy’s face, when he gradually came to his senses, -exclaiming,—</p> - -<p>“<i>Did she break the pitcher, Johnny?</i>”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>To Mrs. Bray’s book we are again indebted for the following:—</p> - -<p>“A <i>bon-vivant</i>, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine, -was one day informed by his physician that he could not, in all human -probability, survive many hours, and that he would die before eight -o’clock the following morning, summoned all his remaining strength to call -the doctor back, and, when the physician had returned, made an ineffectual -attempt to rise in bed, saying, with the true recklessness of an innate -gambler,—</p> - -<p>“‘Doctor, I’ll bet you some bottles that I live till <i>nine</i>!’”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span></p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Let go the Halliards.</span>”</p> - -<p>A sailor was taken with the pleurisy on board a vessel that was hauling -through the “seven bridges” that span the Charles River from the Navy Yard -to Cambridgeport, and a well-known physician, rather of the Falstaffian -make-up, whom I may as well call Dr. Jones,—because that is <i>not</i> his -name,—was summoned. He prescribed for the patient, and when the schooner -touched the pier of the bridge, he stepped ashore, as was supposed by the -captain and crew, whose whole attention was required to keep the vessel -from driving against the drawer; but “there’s many a slip ’twixt cup and -lip,” and the old doctor had taken the “slip,” and went plump overboard, -unseen by any.</p> - -<p>In his descent he grasped at a rope, which happened to be the jib -halliards, and as he came up, puffing and blowing the salt water from his -mouth and nose, he began to haul “hand-over-hand” at the halliards. His -corpulency overbalanced the jib, and gradually the sail began to ascend, -to the astonishment of the cook, who stood near by, and to the wrath of -the captain on the quarter-deck.</p> - -<p>“Let go the jib halliards, there, you confounded <i>slush</i>,” roared the -captain.</p> - -<p>“I ain’t h’isting the jib,” replied the terrified cook, believing that the -sail was bewitched, for sailors are quite superstitious, you know.</p> - -<p>“Let go the halliards,” shouted the mate. “We shall be across the draw, -and all go to Davy Jones’ locker. Hear, d—— you, Slush-bucket?”</p> - -<p>Still the old doctor pulled for dear life, and still rose the ghost-like -sail, while the affrighted cook and all hands ran aft, looking as pale as -death. Still the sail went up, up, and the captain and mate began to be -astonished, when by this time—less time than it requires to tell it—the -old doctor had reached the rail of the vessel, and shouted lustily for -help.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span>All ran forward to help the corpulent old doctor on deck, and by means of -a man at each arm, and a boat-hook fast into the doctor’s unmentionables, -he was hauled safely on board, a wetter and a wiser man.</p> - -<p>If you want to get kicked out of his office, just say in his hearing, -“<i>Let go them ’ere halliards</i>,” and it is done.</p> - -<p class="poem">“O, mermaids, is it cold and wet<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Adown beneath the sea?</span><br /> -It seems to me that rather chill<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Must Davy’s locker be.”</span></p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Medical Titbits.</span></p> - -<p><i>More Mustard than Meat.</i>—A poor, emaciated Irishman having called in a -physician as a forlorn hope, the latter spread a large mustard plaster and -applied it to the poor fellow’s lean chest.</p> - -<p>“Ah, docthor,” said Pat, looking down upon the huge plaster with tearful -eyes, “it sames to me it’s a dale of mustard for so little mate.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>“<i>Don’t want to be an Angel.</i>”—“I want to be an angel,” which has been so -long shouted by <i>millions</i> of darling little Sunday school children, who -hadn’t the remotest idea for what they had been wishing (?), and whose -parents would not voluntarily consent to the premature transformation, if -the children did, has received a check in the following:—</p> - -<p>A little sprite, who had been so very sick that her life was despaired of, -was told one morning by the doctor that she would now get well.</p> - -<p>“O, I’m so glad, doctor!” she replied; “for I don’t want to die and go to -heaben, and be an angel, and wear fedders, like a hen.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Tooth Drawing.</span></p> - -<p>A snobbish-appearing individual accosted a countryman in homespun with the -following interrogation:—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span>“I say, ah, my fraand, are you sufficiently conversant with the topography -of <i>this</i> neighborhood to direct me to the nearest disciple of Æsculapius, eh?”</p> - -<p>“What?” exclaimed the astonished rustic.</p> - -<p>“Can you familiarize me with the most direct course to a physician?”</p> - -<p>“Hey?”</p> - -<p>“Can you tell me where a doctor lives?”</p> - -<p>“O, a doctor’s house. Why didn’t you say so before?”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>The next is after the same sort.</p> - -<p>A sailor chap entered a dentist’s office to have a tooth extracted.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 325px;"><img src="images/img042.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“LOWER TIER, LARBOARD SIDE.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p><i>Doctor</i> (<i>with great professional dignity, speaking very slowly</i>). “Well, -mariner, what tooth do you require extracted? Is it an incisor, bicuspid, -or a molar?”</p> - -<p><i>Jack</i> (<i>brusque and loud</i>). “It’s here in the lower tier,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span> larboard side. -Bear a hand, lively, you dumb’d swab, for it’s nippin’ my jaw like a lobster.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>The most astonished boy</i> I ever beheld was a little country lad who came -to have a tooth drawn. “He thought it must be fun,” his mother said; “but -he never had one drawn, and knows nothing of it.”</p> - -<p>“O!” with a great, round mouth, was all he had time to say, but the -expression of astonishment depicted on that striking countenance, glaring -eyes, and by the expressive, spasmodic “O!” I never can forget or -describe; and he caught his hat and ran home, a distance of two miles, -without stopping, while his mother followed in the carriage by which they -came. The boy’s idea was summed up as follows:—</p> - -<p>“The doctor hitched tight onto the tooth with his pinchers, then he pulled -his first best, and just before it killed me, the tooth came out, and so I -run home.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>“<i>Taking it out in trade</i>” is all very well when the arrangement is -mutual; but there are occasions when the advantages are imperceptible, at -least to one party, as thus:—</p> - -<p>“What’s the matter, Jerry?” asked old Mr. ——, as Jeremiah was jogging -by, growling most furiously.</p> - -<p>“Matter ’nough,” replied old Jerry. “There I’ve been luggin’ water all the -morning for the doctor’s wife to wash with, and what do you s’pose she -give me for it?”</p> - -<p>“About ninepence.”</p> - -<p>“Ninepence? No! She told me the doctor would pull a tooth for me some -time, when he got leisure.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>Apothecaries sometimes “come down” from the dignity of the professional -man, and crack a joke. For instance,—</p> - -<p>A humorous druggist on Washington Street recently exposed some cakes of -soap in his window with the pertinent inscription, “Cheaper than dirt.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span>In the country, you know, they keep almost everything in the apothecaries’ -shops. We mentioned the fact in our chapter on Apothecaries. A wag once -entered one of these apotheco-groco-dry-goods-meat-and-fish-market-stores, -and asked the keeper,—</p> - -<p>“Do you keep matches, sir?”</p> - -<p>“O, yes, all kinds,” was the reply.</p> - -<p>“Well, I’ll take a trotting match,” said the wag.</p> - -<p>The equally humorous druggist handed down a box of pills, saying,—</p> - -<p>“Here, take ’em and trot.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>A sure Cure.</i>—Henry Ward Beecher is currently reported as having once -written to Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes as to the knowledge of the latter -respecting a certain difficulty. The reply was characteristic, and -<i>encouraging</i>.</p> - -<p>“Gravel,” wrote the doctor, “gravel is an effectual cure. It should be -taken about four feet deep.”</p> - -<p>The “remedy” was not, however, so remarkable as the following:—</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>“<i>Time and Cure.</i>”—A good-looking and gentlemanly-dressed fellow was -arraigned on the charge of stealing a watch, which watch was found on his -person. It was his first offence, and he pleaded, “Guilty.” The magistrate -was struck with the calm deportment of the prisoner, and asked him what -had induced him to take the watch.</p> - -<p>“Having been out of health for some time,” replied the young man, -sorrowfully, “the doctor advised me to take something, which I accordingly -did.”</p> - -<p>The magistrate was rather amused with the humor of the explanation, and -further inquired why he had been led to select so remarkable a remedy as a -watch.</p> - -<p>“Why,” replied the prisoner, “I thought if I only had the <i>time</i>, Nature -might work the <i>cure</i>.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span><i>Dye-stuff.</i>—During the cholera time of 1864, in Hartford, Conn., a -little girl was sent to a drug store to purchase some dye-stuff, and -forgetting the name of the article, she said to the clerk, “John, what do -folks dye with?”</p> - -<p>“Die with? Why, the cholera, mostly, nowadays.”</p> - -<p>“Well, I guess that’s the name of what I want. I’ll take three cents’ -worth.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>The Hartford Courant told this story in 1869:—</p> - -<p>“<i>Cholera fenced in.</i>—You have noticed the flaming handbills setting -forth the virtues of a cholera remedy, that are posted by the hundreds on -the board fence enclosing the ground on Main Street, where Roberts’ opera -house is being erected. Well, there was a timid countryman, the other day, -who had so far recovered from the ‘cholera scare’ as to venture into the -city with a horse and wagon load of vegetables; and thereby hangs a tale. -He drove moderately along the street, when he suddenly spied the word -‘Cholera,’ in big letters on the new fence, and he staid to see no more. -Laying the lash on to his quadruped, he went past the handbills like a -streak of lightning, went—‘nor stood on the order of his going’—up past -the tunnel, planting the vegetables along the entire route,—for the -tail-board had loosened,—hardly taking breath, or allowing his beast to -breathe, till he reached home at W.</p> - -<p>“Safely there, he rushed wildly into the midst of his household, -exclaiming,—</p> - -<p>“‘O, wife, wife, they <i>have</i> got the cholera in Hartford, <i>and have fenced -it in</i>.’”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>A Joke that’s not a Joke.</i>—A funny limb of the law had an office, a few -years since, on —— Street, next door to a doctor’s shop. One day, an -elderly gentleman, of the fogy school, blundered into the lawyer’s office, -and asked,—</p> - -<p>“Is the doctor in?”</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 393px;"><img src="images/img043.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE FARMER’S ESCAPE FROM THE CHOLERA.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span>“Don’t live here,” replied the lawyer, scribbling over some legal -documents.</p> - -<p>“O, I thought this was the doctor’s office.”</p> - -<p>“Next door, sir;” short, and still writing.</p> - -<p>“I beg pardon, but can you tell me if the doctor has many patients?”</p> - -<p>“<i>Not living</i>,” was the brief reply.</p> - -<p>The old gentleman repeated the story in the vicinity, and the doctor -threatened the lawyer with a libel. The latter apologized, saying, “it was -only a joke, and that no man could sustain a libel against a lawyer,” when -the doctor acknowledged the joke, and satisfaction, saying he would send -up a bottle of wine, in token of reconciliation.</p> - -<p>The wine came, and the lawyer invited in a few friends to laugh over the -joke, and <i>smile</i> over the doctor’s wine. The seal was broken, the dust -and cobwebs being removed, and the doctor’s health drunk right cordially. -The excellence of the doctor’s wine was but half discussed, when the -lawyer begged to be excused a moment, caught his hat, and rushed from the -room. Soon one of the guests repeated the request, and followed; then -another, and another, till they had all gone out.</p> - -<p>The wine had been nicely “doctored” with <i>tartar emetic</i>, the seal -replaced and well dusted over, before being sent to the lawyer. The doctor -was now threatened with prosecution; but after some consideration, the -following brief correspondence passed between the belligerents:—</p> - -<p>“Nolle prosequi.” Lawyer to doctor.</p> - -<p>“Quits.” Doctor to lawyer.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>Parboiling an Old Lady.</i>—In Rockland, Me., then called East Thomaston, -several years ago, there resided an old Thomsonian doctor, who had erected -in one room of his dwelling a new steam bath. An old lady from the -“Meadows,” concluding to try the virtues of the medicated steam,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> went -down, was duly arrayed in a loose robe by the doctor’s wife, and with much -trepidation and many warnings not to keep her too long, she entered the -bath—a sort of closet, with a door buttoned outside. The steam was kept -up by a large boiler, fixed in the fireplace which the doctor was to -regulate. The old lady took a book into the bath, “to occupy her mind, and -keep her from getting too nervous.”</p> - -<p>“Now it’s going all right,” said the doctor, when ding, ding, ding! went -the front door bell. The doctor stepped noiselessly out, and learned that -a woman required his immediate attention at South Thomaston, three miles -away. He forgot all about the old lady fastened into the bath, and leaping -into the carriage in waiting, he was whisked off to South Thomaston.</p> - -<p>Meantime the steam increased, and the old lady began to get anxious. The -moisture gathered on her book; the leaves began to wilt. The dampness -increased, and soon the book fell to pieces in her lap. Great drops of -sweat and steam rolled down over her face and body, and she arose, and -tapping very gently at the door, said,—</p> - -<p>“Hadn’t I better come out now, doctor?”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 304px;"><img src="images/img044.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">TOO MUCH VAPOR.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>No reply. She waited a moment longer, and repeated the knock louder.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span>“Let me come out, doctor. I am just melting in here.”</p> - -<p>Still the doctor, to her astonishment, did not reply, or open the door.</p> - -<p>“For God’s sake, doctor, let me out.” Listening a few seconds, she -screamed, “O, I believe he’s gone, and left me here to parboil! Open, -open!” And she knocked louder and louder at the door, while the now almost -scalding waters literally poured from her body. “O, I shall suffocate -here.” And giving a desperate kick, she set her foot through the panelled -door, and, getting down on all fours, she crawled through the opening. -Just then the doctor’s wife, hearing the thumping, hastened to the room, -and with many apologies and excuses, rubbed down and dried the old lady, -and begged her not to mention the affair.</p> - -<p>But never, to the day of her death, did the old lady again enter a “steam -bath,” or cease to tell how “<i>the doctor went off to attend a ‘birth’ -leaving her in the bath to parboil</i>!”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>A Dry Shower Bath.</i>—When shower baths were all the rage, a few years -ago, all sorts of plans were suggested to avoid getting wet. The following -is to the point:—</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> Well, deacon, how did your wife manage her new shower bath?</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img045.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A DRY SHOWER BATH.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p><i>Deacon.</i> O, she had real good luck. Madam Mooney told how she managed -with hern. She had made a large oiled silk hood, with a large<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span> cape to it, -like a fisherman’s in a storm, that came all down over her shoulders.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor</i> (impatiently). She’s a fool for her pains. That’s not the way.</p> - -<p><i>Deacon.</i> So my wife thought.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor.</i> And your wife did nothing of the kind, I hope.</p> - -<p><i>Deacon.</i> O, no, no. My wife, she used an umbrilly.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img046.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="IX" id="IX"></a>IX.</h2> -<p class="title">FORTUNE-TELLERS.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td align="right" valign="top"><i>1st Witch.</i></td> - <td>By the pricking of my thumbs,<br />Something wicked this way comes.</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right" valign="top"><i>Macbeth.</i></td> - <td>How now, you secret, black and midnight hags,<br />What is’t ye do?</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right" valign="top"><i>All.</i></td> - <td>A deed without a name.—<span class="smcap">Macbeth</span>, Act IV. Sc. 1.</td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>PAST AND PRESENT.—BIBLE ASTROLOGERS AND -FORTUNE-TELLERS.—ARABIAN.—EASTERN.—ENGLISH.—QUEEN’S -FAVORITE.—LILLY.—A LUCKY GUESS.—THE GREAT LONDON FIRE -FORETOLD.—HOW.—OUR “TIDAL WAVE” AND AGASSIZ.—A HAUL OF -FORTUNE-TELLERS.—PRESENT.—VISIT EN MASSE.—“FILLIKY -MILLIKY.”—“CHARGE BAYONETS!”—A FOWL PROCEEDING.—FINDING LOST -PROPERTY.—THE MAGIC MIRROR EXPOSÉ.—“ONE MORE -UNFORTUNATE.”—PROCURESSES.—BOSTON MUSEUM.—“A NICE OLD -GENTLEMAN.”—MONEY DOES IT.—GREAT SUMS OF MONEY.—“LOVE POWDER” -EXPOSE.—HASHEESH.—“DOES HE LOVE ME?”</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>Under the guise of fortune-telling and clairvoyance the most nefarious -atrocities are daily enacted, not only in the larger cities, but in the -villages and towns even, throughout the country. In this chapter I propose -to ventilate them in a manner never before attempted, and the <i>exposé</i> may -be relied upon as correct in every particular.</p> - -<p>“Why,” exclaimed a friend, “I thought fortune-telling one of the follies -of the past, and that there was little or none of it practised at the -present.”</p> - -<p>Far from it. Very few, comparatively, who practise the black art come out -under the ancient name of fortune-tellers; but there are thousands of -ignorant, characterless wretches, in our enlightened day and generation, -who pretend to tell fortunes, if not under the open title above, as -astrologers,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span> seers, clairvoyants, or spiritualists, etc. There are some -clairvoyants of whom we shall treat under the head of “Mind and Matter.”</p> - -<p>The Bible fortune-tellers practised their lesser deceptions under the -various titles of “wise men,” “soothsayers,” the former being acknowledged -as the more legitimate by the Jews, and the latter mere heathenish -prognosticators, without divine authority, as thus: Is. ii. 6. “Therefore -thou hast forsaken thy people, the house of Jacob, because they be -replenished from the east, and are <i>soothsayers, like the Philistines</i>.”</p> - -<p>8. “Their land also is full of idols; they worship the work of their own -hands, that which their own fingers have made.”</p> - -<p>There were also wizards, astrologers, “star-gazers” (Is. xlvii. 13), -spiritualists (1 Sam. xxviii. 3), magicians, sorcerers, and “the -well-favored harlot, the mistress of witchcrafts, that <i>selleth nations -through her whoredoms, and families through her witchcrafts</i>.” Nahum iii. -4.</p> - -<p>All of these exist at the present day, carrying on the same sort of vile -deceptions and heinous crimes, to the “selling of families and nations,” -and souls, in spite of law or gospel. Even as those of nearly six thousand -years ago were patronized by the great, the kings, and queens, and nobles -of the earth, so are the fortune-tellers, under the more refined titles, -visited by governors, representatives, and ladies and gentlemen of rank, -of modern times.</p> - -<p>In visiting these pretenders, in order “to worm out the secrets of their -trade,” the writer has not only been assured by them in confidence that -the above is true, but he has met distinguished characters there, face to -face,—the minister of the gospel, the lawyer, the judge, the doctor, and -what <i>ought</i> to have been the representative intelligence of the -land,—consulting and fellowshiping with ignorant fortune-tellers. -“Ignorant?” Yes, out of the scores whom I have seen, there has not been -one, male or female, possessing an <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span>intelligence above ordinary people in -the unprofessional walks of life, while the majority of them were in -comparison far below the mediocrity.</p> - -<p>If ignorance alone patronized ignorance, like a family intermarrying, the -stock would eventually dwindle into nothingness, and entirely die out.</p> - -<p>Before the “captivity” the Jews had their wise men, and on their exodus -they reported the existence of the magicians or magi of Egypt.</p> - -<p>It seems that nearly everybody, and particularly the Egyptians, regarded -Moses and Aaron as but magicians in those days; and the magi of Pharaoh’s -household—for all kings and rulers of ancient times and countries had -their fortune-tellers about them—had a little “tilt” with Moses and -Aaron, commencing with the changing of the rods into snakes. The Egyptian -magicians did very well at the snake “trick,” as the modern magician calls -it, also at producing frogs, and such like reptiles; but they were puzzled -in the vermin business, and the boils troubled them, and they then gave -up, and acknowledged that there <i>was</i> a power beyond theirs, and that -power was with God.</p> - -<p>Well, that is not fortune-telling; but this was the class who professed -the power of foretelling; and we find them, with women of the familiar -spirits, made mention of all through the scriptural writing. Isaiah -testifies (chapter xix.) that the charmers, familiar spirits, and wizards -ruined Egypt as a nation. What advantage were they ever to King Saul, the -grass-eating king with the long name, or any other individuals, in their -perplexities?</p> - -<p>They rather stood in the light of individuals, nations, and the cause of -Heaven. Then Jesus and the apostles had them to meet and overcome—for -their power had become very great, even to the publication of books to -promulgate their doctrines; for we read in Acts xix. 19, that there were -brought forth at Ephesus, at one time, these books, to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> amount of -fifty thousand pieces of silver, or about twenty-six thousand five hundred -dollars’ worth, and burned in the public square or synagogue.</p> - -<p>There are some instances recorded in the Bible, and by Josephus, where the -Jews professed to foretell events. The curious case of Barjesus, at -Paphos, who, for a time, hindered Sergius, the deputy of the country, from -embracing Christianity, is cited in illustration of the injury that false -prophets are to all advancement. Paul testifies to that fact in the -following words: “O, full of all subtlety, and all mischief, child of the -devil, enemy to all righteousness,” etc.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Arabian Fortune-teller.</span></p> - -<p>The Arabians, from time immemorial, have been implicit believers in -fortune-telling, as well as believers in the efficacy of charms and all -other mystic arts. “No species of knowledge is more highly venerated by -them than that of the occult sciences, which affords maintenance to a vast -number of quacks and impudent pretenders.” The science of “Isen Allah” -enables the possessor to discern what is passing in his absence, to expel -evil spirits, and cure malignant diseases. Others claim to control the -winds and the weather, calm tempests, and to say their prayers in person -at Mecca, without stirring from their own abodes hundreds of miles away!</p> - -<p>The “Sinia” is what is better known to us as jugglery and feats of -illusion.</p> - -<p>The “Ramle” is the more proper fortune-telling, and is believed in and -practised by people of all ranks, male and female, and by the physicians.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Eastern Prince.</span></p> - -<p>Fortune-telling is practised in all Eastern countries, to a great extent, -to the present day. Some pretend to foretell<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span> events by the stars and -planets, some by charms, cards, the palm of the hand, or a lock of hair; -the latter is the most vulgar mode, and commonly followed by the gypsies.</p> - -<p>When the fortress of Ismail was besieged, in 1790, by the Russians, Prince -Potemkin, the commanding officer, began to grow impatient, after nearly -two months’ resistance, though he was surrounded by all the comforts and -luxuries of an Eastern prince—by courtiers and beautiful women, who -employed the most exciting and voluptuous means to engage his attention. -Madame De Witt, one of the females, pretended to read the decrees of fate -by cards, and foretold that the prince would only take the place at the -expiration of three more weeks.</p> - -<p>“Ah,” exclaimed the prince, with a smile, “I have a method of divination -far more infallible, as you shall see;” and he immediately despatched -orders to Suwarof <i>to take Ismail within three days</i>. The brave but -barbarous hero obeyed the order to the very letter.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Seer’s Wife.</span></p> - -<p>When Richmond, afterwards Henry VII., landed at Milford-Haven, on his -memorable march to his successful encounter with Richard III., then at -Bosworth Field, he consulted a celebrated Welsh seer, who dwelt in -magnificent style at a place called Matha Farm. To the duke’s question as -to whether he should succeed or not, the wily seer, whose name was Davyd -Lloyd, requested a little time in which to consider so important a query.</p> - -<p>As Richmond lodged that night with his friend Davyd, he gave him till the -following morning to make up his decision, when the seer assured Richmond -that he “would succeed gloriously.”</p> - -<p>For this wonderful and timely information Lloyd received immense rewards -at the hand of his grateful prince when he became King Henry VII.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span>Now for the secret of his success: During the time granted for the answer, -Davyd, in great perplexity and trepidation, consulted his wife, instead of -the heavens, for an answer. See the wisdom of the reply.</p> - -<p>“There can be no difficulty about an answer. Tell him he will certainly -succeed. Then, if he does, you will receive honors and rewards; and if he -fails, depend on’t he will never come here to punish you.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Dee, the Astrologer.</span></p> - -<p>One of the most remarkable and successful fortune-tellers known to English -history was John Dee, who was born in London, 1527, and died in 1608. A -biographer says, “He was an English divine and astrologer of great -learning, celebrated in the history and science of necromancy, chancellor -of St. Paul’s, and warden of Manchester College, in the reign of Queen -Elizabeth. He was also author of several published works on the subject of -astrology, revelations of spirits, etc., which books are preserved in the -Cottonian library and elsewhere.”</p> - -<p>Dee enjoyed for a long time the confidence and patronage of Elizabeth. He -then resided in an elegant house at Mortlake, which was still standing in -1830, and was used for a female boarding school. “In two hundred years it -necessarily had undergone some repairs and alterations; yet portions of it -still exhibited the architecture of the sixteenth century.</p> - -<p>“From the front windows might be seen the doctor’s garden, still attached -to the house, down the central path of which the queen used to walk from -her carriage from the Shan road to consult the wily conjurer on affairs of -love and war.</p> - -<p>“He was one of the few men of science who made use of his knowledge to -induce the vulgar to believe him a conjurer, and one possessing the power -to converse with spirits. Lilly’s memoirs recorded many of his impostures, -and at one<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> time the public mind was much agitated by his extravagances. -The mob more than once destroyed his house (before residing at Mortlake) -for being too familiar with their devil. He pretended to see spirits in a -stone, which is still preserved with his books and papers.... In his -spiritual visions Dee had a confederate in one Kelley, who, of course, -confirmed all his master’s oracles. Both, however, in spite of their -spiritual friends, died miserably—Kelley by leaping from a window and -breaking his neck, and Dee in great poverty and wretchedness. The remains -of the impostor lie in Mortlake Church, without any memorial.”</p> - -<p>He unfortunately had survived his royal patroness.</p> - -<p>Queen Mary had had Dee imprisoned for practising by enchantment against -her life; but her successor released him, and required him to name a lucky -day for her coronation.</p> - -<p>“In view of this fact,” asks the author of ‘A Morning’s Walk from London -to Kew,’ “is it to be wondered at that a mere man, like tens of thousands -of other fanatics, persuaded himself that he was possessed of supernatural -powers?”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Another Impostor.—The Great Fire.</span></p> - -<p>William Lilly followed in the wake of, and was even a more successful -impostor than the Reverend Dee. He was first known in London as a -book-keeper, whose master, dying, gave him the opportunity of marrying his -widow and her snug little fortune of one thousand pounds. The wife died in -a few years, and Lilly set up as an astrologer and fortune-teller.</p> - -<p>His first great attempt at a public demonstration of his art was about -1630, which was to discover certain treasures which he claimed were buried -in the cloister of Westminster Abbey. Lilly had studied astronomy with a -Welsh clergyman, and doubtless may have been sufficiently “weather-wise” -to anticipate a storm; but however that might have been, on the night of -the attempt, there came up a most terrific<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span> storm of wind, rain, thunder -and lightning, which threatened to bury the actors beneath the ruins of -the abbey, and his companions fled, leaving Lilly master of the situation. -He unblushingly declared that he himself allayed the “storm spirit,” and -“attributed the failure to the lack of faith and want of better knowledge -in his companions.”</p> - -<p>“In 1634 Lilly ventured a second marriage, with another woman of property, -which was unfortunate as a commercial speculation, for the bride proved -extravagant beyond her dowry and Lilly’s income. In 1644 he published his -first almanac, which he continued thirty-six years. In 1648 he therein -predicted the “great fire” of London, which immortalized his name. While -Lilly was known as a cheat, and was ridiculed for his absurdities, he -received the credit for as lucky a guess as ever blessed the fortunes of a -cunning rogue.</p> - -<p>“In the year 1656,” said his prediction, “the aphelium of Mars, the -signification of England, will be in Virgo, which is assuredly the -ascendant of the English monarchy, but Aries of the kingdom. When this -absis, therefore, of Mars shall appear in Virgo, who shall expect less -than a strange <i>catastrophe</i> of human affairs in the commonwealth, -monarchy, and kingdom of England?”</p> - -<p>He then further stated that it would be “<i>ominous to London, unto her -merchants at sea, to her traffique</i> at land, to her poor, to her rich, to -all <i>sorts of people inhabiting her or her liberties, by reason of fire -and plague</i>!” These he predicted would occur within ten years of that -time.</p> - -<p>The great plague did occur in London in 1665, and the great fire in 1666! -The fire originated by incendiarism in a bakery on Pudding Lane, near the -Tower, in a section of the city where the buildings were all constructed -of wood with pitched roofs, and also a section near the storehouses for -shipping materials, and those of a highly combustible nature. It occurred -also at a time when the water-pipes were empty.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span>This fearful visitation destroyed nearly two thirds of the metropolis. -Four hundred and thirty-three acres were burned over. Thirteen thousand -houses, eighty-nine churches, and scores of public buildings were laid in -ashes and ruins. There was no estimating the amount of property destroyed, -nor the many souls who perished in the relentless, devouring flames.</p> - -<p>If this great fire originated at the instigation of Lilly, in order to -demonstrate his claims as a foreteller of events, as is believed to be the -case by nearly all who were not themselves believers in the occult -science, what punishment could be meted out to such a villain commensurate -to his heinous crime? Curran says, “There are two kinds of prophets, those -who are inspired, and those who prophesy events which they themselves -intend to bring about. Upon this occasion, Lilly had the ill luck to be -deemed of the latter class.” Elihu Rich says in his biography of Lilly, -“It is certain that he was a man of no character. He was a double-dealer -and a liar, by his own showing, ... and perhaps as decent a man as a -<i>trading</i> prophet could well be, under the circumstances.” Lilly was cited -before a committee of the House of Commons, not, as was supposed by many, -“that he might discover by the same planetary signs <i>who</i> were the authors -of the great fire,” but because of the suspicion that he was already -acquainted with them, and privy to the supposed machinations which brought -about the catastrophe. At one time, 1648-9, Parliament gave him one -hundred pounds a year, and he was courted by royalty and nobility, at home -and abroad, from whom he received an immense revenue. He died a natural -death, in 1681, “leaving some works of interest in the history of -astrology,” which, in connection with the important personages with whom -he was associated, and the remarkable events above recorded, have -immortalized his name.</p> - -<p>Respecting the prediction of the plague, I presume that if<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span> any prominent -personage should, at any time, predict a great calamity to a great -metropolis, to take place “<i>within ten years, more or less</i>,” there -necessarily would be something during that time, of a calamitous nature, -that might seem to verify their prediction. Besides, we should take into -consideration how many predictions are never verified. Dr. Lamb, Dee, -Bell, and others prophesied earthquakes to shake up London at various -times in 1203, 1598, 1760, etc., which never occurred, to any great -extent.</p> - -<p>Supposing a great tidal wave should devastate our coast, within ten years -even, would not Professor Agassiz be immortalized thereby, although he -never predicted it, except in the imaginative and mulish brains of certain -individuals, who will have it that he did so predict?</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Raid on Fortune-tellers.</span></p> - -<p>In London, at the present day, it is estimated that nearly two thousand -persons, male and female, gain a livelihood under the guise of -fortune-telling. Some of them are “seers,” or “astrologers,” “seventh -sons,” clairvoyants, etc.</p> - -<p>From the London Telegraph of the year 1871 we gather the following -description of a few of the most prominent of these, with their arrest and -trial, as fortune-telling is there, as elsewhere, proscribed by law:—</p> - -<p>“First was arraigned ‘Professor Zendavesta,’ otherwise John Dean Bryant, -aged fifty, and described as a ‘botanist.’ He was charged with having told -a woman’s fortune, for the not very extravagant sum of thirteen cents. Two -married women, it seems, instructed by the police, went to No. 3 Homer -Street, Marylebone, and paid sixpence each to a woman, who gave them a -bone ticket in return. One might have imagined that it was a -spiritualist’s <i>seance</i>, but for the fact that the fee for admittance was -sixpence, and not one guinea. Professor Zendavesta shook hands with one of -the women, and warmly inquired after her health. She told<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span> him she was in -trouble about her husband, which was false, and he bade her be of good -cheer, and made an appointment to meet her on another day. Subsequently, -two constables went to Bryant’s house, and on going into a room on the -ground floor, found thirty or forty young women seated there. The ladies -began to scream, and there was a rush for the door; while the police, who -seemed to labor under the impression that to attend an astrological -lecture was as illegal an act as that of being present at a cock-fight or -a common gambling-house, stopped several of the women, and made them give -their names and addresses. The walls of the apartment were covered with -pictures of Life and Death, with the ‘nativities of several royal and -illustrious personages, and of Constance Kent.’ It is a wonder that the -horoscopes of Heliogabalus and Jack the Painter should have been lacking. -Then there was a medicine chest containing bottles and memoranda of -nativities; also a ‘magic mirror, with a revolving cylinder,’ showing the -figures of men and women, old and young. Of course the collection included -a ‘book of fate.’ This was the case against Bryant.</p> - -<p>“One Shepherd, alias ‘Professor Cicero,’ was next charged, and it was -shown that the same ‘instructed’ women went to his house, paying sixpence -for the usual bone ticket. They saw Shepherd separately. When one of them -said that she wanted her fortune told, ‘Professor Cicero’ took a yard tape -and measured her hand. He gabbled the usual nonsense to her about love, -marriage, and good luck, hinting that the price of a complete nativity -would be half a crown, and before they left the place he gave them a -circular, with their phrenological organs marked. Indeed, the man’s -defence was, that he was a professor of phrenology, and not of the black -art. A ‘magic mirror’ and a ‘lawyer’s gown’ were, however, found at his -house, and the last named item has certainly a very black look. The -evidence against the next defendant, William Henry, alias ‘Professor -Thalaby,’ and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> against the fourth and last, Frederick Shipton, alias -‘Professor Baretta,’ did not differ to any great extent from the testimony -given against Zendavesta. The solicitor retained for this sage contended -that if he had infringed the law, it was likewise violated at the Crystal -Palace, where the ‘magic mirror’ was to be seen every day. Mr. Mansfield, -however, had only to deal with the case and the culprits before him, and, -convicting all the four fortune-tellers, he sent them to the house of -correction, there to be kept, each and every one of them, to hard labor -for three months.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Fortune-tellers of To-day.</span></p> - -<p>Before entering upon the <i>exposé</i> of the viler practices of this vile -art,—the “selling of families,” and of virginity, and the abominable -practices of the procuresses, who carry on their damnable treacheries, -particularly in our large cities, at the present day,—I wish to enliven -this chapter by one or more amusing instances relative to country -fortune-tellers.</p> - -<p><i>Filliky Milliky.</i>—During the summer of 185-, the writer was one of a -large party of excursionists to Weymouth’s Point, in Union Bay. There was -a large barge full of people, old and young, male and female, besides -several sailboat loads, who, on the return in the afternoon, decided to -stop at the hut of a fortune-teller called “Filliky Milliky.” This old -man, with his equally ignorant wife, professed to tell fortunes by means -of a tea-cup. He claimed that he knew of our intended visit, and had set -his house in order; but if that house was “in order” that day, deliver us -from seeing it when out of order.</p> - -<p>There were some one hundred or more of us, and whilst but two could occupy -the attention of the “Millikies” at once, we sought other means of whiling -away the time. The old man lived near the river side, and at his leisure -had picked up a large pile of lath edgings which had floated down from a -lath mill on the river.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span>One Captain Joy took it upon himself to form “all the gentlemen who would -enlist in so noble a cause” into a “home guard,” and forthwith arming -themselves with the aforesaid lath edgings, a company of volunteers was -quickly raised, and drawn up in battle array.</p> - -<p>I do not recollect the glorious and patriotic speech by which our noble -captain fired our “sluggish souls with due enthusiasm for the great cause -in which we were about to embark,” but we were put through a course of -military tactics, “according to Hardee,” and took up our line of march.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img047.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">CHARGE, INFANTRY!</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>There was no Bunker Hill on which to display our valor, but there was -another hill, just in rear of the barn nearly, which had not been used in -farming purposes that spring, and for this hill we charged at -“double-quick.” In this charge—the danger lay in the <i>swamping</i> part of -the hill—we unambushed a large flock of hens, chickens, and ducks, from -the opposite side.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span>“<i>Charge bayonet!</i>” shouted -our noble captain, with great presence of mind.</p> - -<p>We charged! The ducks quacked and fled. The hens cackled and ran. The -noise was deafening, the chase enthusiastic, and above the dust and din of -battle arose the stentorian cry, “Charge bayonet!” The Donnybrook Fair -advice of “Wherever there’s a head, hit it,” was followed to the letter, -until the last enemy lay dead on the gory field, or had hid so far under -the barn that the small boys could not bring them forth. Then orders came -to withdraw, and gather up the dead and wounded.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img048.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">AFTER THE BATTLE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>There was an interesting string of hens, chickens, and ducks brought in -and laid at the feet of our great commander, to represent the fowl -products of that campaign. The captain’s congratulatory speech was -characteristic also of the <i>fowl proceedings</i>, at the close of which -harangue he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> appointed the “orderly a committee of three to wait on the -fortune-teller, and present him with the spoils of war,” of which his -“cups” had given him no previous intimation.</p> - -<p>What next? The captain informed us that “as the company was ‘mutual,’ it -became necessary, in consideration of the losses, to draw on the -<i>stock-holders</i> (<i>gun-stock</i>), as he could see no other ‘policy’ under -which to assess those ‘damages.’”</p> - -<p>“Filliky Milliky” never carried fowl to a better market.</p> - -<p>The “fortunate” ones entertained us, on the barge, with the marvellous -revelations that had transpired within the hut. One married lady was -assured that she was yet single, but would marry in a six-month. A -double-and-twisted old maid was told that her husband was in California. -But the most absurd revelation was to a well-known respectable middle-aged -lady, who was inclined to believe in the foreseeing powers of old Mother -Milliky until now, who was told that she was “soon to receive a letter -from her absent husband, also in California for the last five years; that -he had become rich, and was soon to return; but that her youngest child, a -year old, was inclined to worms, and might not live to see its father -return!” All this wonderful information for a ninepence.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>Secret of finding lost Property.</i>—In Hopkinton, Mass., there lived a man -named Sheffield, who professed to tell fortunes. The postmaster of that -town told my informant that old Sheffield received from seven to ten -letters per day from the fools who believed in his foreseeing powers. Once -the surveyor, with a large gang of men, was working on the highway, and -while they were at dinner an ox chain was stolen. The overseer, happening -along before the rest of the men, saw some one unhook the chain, and steal -away to a field adjoining, pull up a fence post, and deposit the chain in -the hole, replace the post, and return. He “lay low,”<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> and as the thief -passed he discovered him to be old Sheffield, the fortune-teller. He kept -his own counsel, and, the chain being missed, a committee of three was -appointed to visit the seer, to discover by his art where the stolen -property was secreted.</p> - -<p>Mr. ——, the overseer, and others, called on Sheffield, who got out his -mysterious book, and figured away in an impressive manner, and finally -chalked out a rough plan of the ground on the floor, and again consulting -his book, he solemnly declared that he had discovered the property.</p> - -<p>“You follow this line from the spot where the chain was unhooked from the -plough, so many rods to this line fence, go along the fence to the seventh -post, draw it up, and the chain will be found beneath, in the post-hole.”</p> - -<p>The two men were struck dumb with astonishment, for they believed in the -mysterious powers of old Sheffield; but the overseer exclaimed, in words -more impressive than elegant,—</p> - -<p>“Yes, you infernal scoundrel, and you put it there, for I saw you with my -own eyes.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Magic Mirror Expose.</span></p> - -<p>Not long ago the body of a once beautiful young woman was taken from the -Merrimack River, below the factories at L——. She was unknown at the -time, and this was all there was given to the public. To the world she was -merely—</p> - -<p class="poem">“One more unfortunate,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Weary of breath,</span><br /> -Rashly importunate,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Gone to her death.”</span></p> - -<p>Now, these are the whole facts of the case. She was the daughter of -respectable, Christian parents, in a New England village, where she was -highly esteemed as an amiable and virtuous young lady. But the tempter -came. Not in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span> form of a “serpent”—very harmless animals, -comparatively!—nor that other old fellow, commonly descried as having -clattering hoofs and forked tail, etc.—but in the flesh and semblance of -a handsome young man! I think preachers and book-makers paint their devils -too hideous and too far off! Leave off the d, and look for your evils -nearer home, and rather pleasant to look at, on the sly, and not (at -first) very unpleasant to the senses in general. These are the dangerous -(d)evils; escape <i>them</i>, and you avoid all!</p> - -<p>In the village there were two young men, rivals for the affections of this -amiable young lady, and I know not but there were a dozen besides. One -held the only advantage over the other of having been a native of the -town, while the other was, comparatively, but little known.</p> - -<p>Both were sober, industrious, and moral young men.</p> - -<p>One day Miss —— was going to the great city, and, for the “sport of the -thing,” agreed to visit a celebrated fortune-teller—a clairvoyant!—at -the instigation of the young man, who, though least known to her, had -recently distanced his rival by his assiduity in pressing his suit before -the young lady.</p> - -<p>He assured her there could be no impropriety in a young lady’s visiting a -fortune-teller. It was only for fun; nobody believed in them, and she -could keep her own secret if she chose!</p> - -<p>She went in broad daylight. The lady clairvoyant greeted her cordially, -begged her to feel quite at her ease, as there was great fortune in store -for her. She described her two lovers very minutely, and informed the girl -that the one who was to marry her would come to her in a vision, if she -would but look into a mirror hanging on the wall before her.</p> - -<p>“I see nothing but my own face,” replied the young lady, when she had -arisen and looked into the glass.</p> - -<p>The woman then turned it half around on the hinges, swung out the frame -upon which the mirror was also hung,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> and, disclosing a plain black glass -behind, fastened to the wall, said,—</p> - -<p>“Now, if you will step behind the glass, back to the wall, and again look -into the mirror, you <i>may</i> possibly see one of the two gentlemen—I cannot -<i>say</i> which.”</p> - -<p>More amused than alarmed, the lady complied.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 343px;"><img src="images/img049.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE FORTUNE-TELLER’S MAGIC MIRROR.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Still I see nothing but myself and a dark glass behind me,” she said.</p> - -<p>“Look steadfastly into the glass. <i>Now!</i>” exclaimed the woman.</p> - -<p>“O, what—what do I see?” cried the girl. “’Tis he! ’tis Mr. ——”</p> - -<p>“Don’t be alarmed; ’tis your future husband. No power can prevent it. It -is fate—fate! But it will be a happy consummation,” said the woman, -closing the mirror.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span>“Why, I left him at home, surely; and I came by steam. That is a solid -wall! Ah, my fate is decreed, I believe!”</p> - -<p>Can the reader suppose any sensible person would believe this to be magic? -There are thousands who believe it. Miss —— was one. She had seen the -spiritual representation of her future husband, and, finding him at home -on her return, the same afternoon, she accepted him as her betrothed, and -the other was dismissed.</p> - -<p>Her ruin followed. In the flight of her lover, her hopes were forever -blasted. To hide her shame, she went secretly from home; and to earn her -daily bread, she labored in a cotton factory. When she could no longer -cover her shame in the world, she went without—into outer darkness! Her -parents went down in sorrow to their untimely graves.</p> - -<p>Now about the magic mirror. The young man went to the city by the same -train with the girl he proposed to ruin. He had previously arranged with -the fortune-teller—no unusual thing—to appear in person behind the -darkened glass in the next room, and had returned in disguise by the same -train with his victim.</p> - -<p>The fortune-teller died miserably, and was buried in the Potter’s Field at -the expense of the city of Hartford, Conn.</p> - -<p class="poem">“The thorns which I have reaped are of the tree<br /> -I planted; they have torn me,—and I bleed:<br /> -I should have known what fruit would spring from such a seed.”<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 22em;"><span class="smcap">Byron.</span></span></p> - -<p>Such is one of the results of patronizing fortune-tellers. I have seen -this kind of mirror, and the first effect, even on a strong-minded person, -seeing but faintly through the darkened glass, over your shoulder, the -outlines of a face, and finally, as your eyes get familiar with the -darkness, the very features of a person reflected therein, is truly -impressive, if not startling.</p> - -<p>Young ladies, for your own sakes, for the sake of your friends, and more -for Heaven’s sake, keep away from <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span>fortune-tellers! <i>You cannot possibly -see into futurity</i>, neither can any one, much less the ignorant wretches -who profess the dark mysteries, tell for you what joys or sorrows are in -store for the future!</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Fortune-tellers as Procuresses.</span></p> - -<p>An able reporter to the Boston Daily Post, who devoted a considerable time -in May, 1869, to visiting and writing up the fortune-tellers of Boston, -which he reported in full in the above paper, and from which I shall copy -more fully hereafter, says in conclusion,—</p> - -<p>“From what we are able to learn in this direction, we have arrived at the -conclusion that there are not <i>less than two hundred men and women</i> in -Boston and vicinity who get a good livelihood by this profession, while -many do a large and profitable business.</p> - -<p>“One lady, who has reduced her charges to the very lowest figure (fifty -cents for an interview), candidly informed us that her receipts for the -past year had not been less than twelve hundred dollars. Another reported -her receipts from ten to fifty dollars a day.</p> - -<p>“Of course no reliable estimate, without better statistics, can be made of -the magnitude of the business; but it seems not extravagant to estimate -their receipts, on an average, at fifteen hundred dollars per annum! or an -annual cost to the people of Boston (and vicinity?) for fortune-telling, -of the snug little sum of three hundred thousand dollars!”</p> - -<p>The price advertised for a sitting in 1870 was from twenty-five cents to -one dollar. The Post reporter says of “Mrs. Nellie Richards” (<i>alias</i> Mrs. -Nelson), “Not unfrequently her receipts are fifty dollars per day.” Again -of one, “She has received fifty dollars for one sitting.” The writer has -visited the most celebrated fortune-tellers here, and been told by them -that they have received five, ten, and twenty dollars for one sitting. -What for? What was the value<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span> received? Not from <i>females</i> do they receive -these liberal sums; but from middle-aged or old gentlemen and “married -men,” as one assured me. It is quite possible for a few sharp -fortune-tellers to make fifteen hundred dollars per year at merely telling -fools what they may expect from the future. “Middle-aged, old, and married -men” do not consult them, as a general rule, for that purpose.</p> - -<p>Here is a true history illustrative of my meaning. I gathered the facts -from the lady.</p> - -<p>On Saturday, the 9th of December, 1871, a young woman, residing with her -parents on —— Street, went to the afternoon performance at the Boston -Museum. A young man made three unsuccessful attempts to “flirt” with her. -The third time she slightly shook her head. Some one, seated immediately -behind her, touched her on the shoulder, and said, “Right, young lady; you -did right not to notice him.”</p> - -<p>“I turned my head,” said my informant, “and just made the least bit of -acknowledgment to a fine-looking, elderly gentleman, who, perhaps, was -rising fifty. He was an utter stranger to me, and I did not observe him -afterwards. On the following week I received a note—a very pretty, -delicate letter—from the very gentleman. He explained that he saw me at -the performance of “Elfie,” and was much struck by my lady-like -appearance, and the rest, begging the privilege of calling on me -privately. Now, how could he have obtained my address?”</p> - -<p>“Did the other party, the young ‘flirt,’ know it?” I asked.</p> - -<p>“No—not probable. I was not so astonished in receiving a letter from a -stranger, as I was on learning that the nice-looking old gent at the -theatre should have sent it, and that he possessed my address.”</p> - -<p>“Why not surprised by receiving the letter from a stranger?” I asked.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span>“Because I visited a fortune-teller, a day or two before, who told me I -should receive a letter from a middle-aged man, and that it would be to my -interest to cultivate his friendship, as he was a nice old covey, and was -rich and liberal.”</p> - -<p>“The secret is out! Did the fortune-teller know your address?”</p> - -<p>“O, yes; she was an old friend of my mother’s, <i>and asked me nothing for a -sitting</i>. And would <i>she</i> possibly betray the daughter of her old friend?”</p> - -<p>I have since learned that the young woman was married at the time, which -fact the fortune-teller must have known when she advised her to “cultivate -the friendship” of an old <i>roué</i>, “as he was rich and liberal.”</p> - -<p>Rich and liberal! No doubt! The light was astounding which broke in upon -the young lady’s mind from my intimating that the old viper, the -fortune-teller (clairvoyant she calls herself), had betrayed her, and -doubtless had received ocular demonstration of the “nice old gentleman’s” -liberality. Doubtless there was a five, ten, or twenty dollar sitting! and -the “friend of her mother” could well afford to give her sittings free!</p> - -<p>Reader, if you doubt that such villanies are daily practised in this city, -such “betrayals of confidence,” and “selling of families,” put up “five or -ten dollars for a sitting,” almost anywhere, and you can have proof. None -of your fifty cents or dollar affairs—those are for the females; but -“come down” with the V.’s and X.’s; those bring the “great information.”</p> - -<p>Let us “parable” a case.</p> - -<p>“A nice, middle-aged gentleman” calls on Madam Blank.</p> - -<p>“Here, now, my good woman, take this fee. Tell me a good future. Let her -have dark hair and eyes. If it is satisfactory, I double the fee.”</p> - -<p>“Call again next week, or in three or four days,” is all the conversation -necessary to pass for the first “sitting.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span>Before the expiration of the time, just such a young lady calls. The wily -old fortune-teller—too old to sell herself any longer—sells out this, -perhaps, unsuspecting lady with black hair and eyes, by mysteriously -informing her of a certain nice gentleman whom she will meet at a -designated place, at a specified hour, on a particular day! She is <i>very</i> -courteous to the girl, asks her nothing for a sitting, has taken a liking -to her, worms from her the secrets of her birth, poverty, weaknesses, -etc., and, with many smiles and fair promises, bows her out.</p> - -<p>She next proceeds to inform the “nice gentleman” that the job is cooked, -and the victim is unsuspecting, states where he is to meet her, the signal -by which he is to know her; takes the “double fee,” and leaves the rest to -the “nice middle-aged (and shrewd) gentleman” to manage for himself.</p> - -<p>How many young women in Boston can avouch for the truth of this statement? -I doubt not there are very many.</p> - -<p><i>Cui Bono?</i> While I know and confess that there are a few ladies who -<i>profess</i> to tell fortunes, find lost property, etc., and who do no -greater deception, still, what positive advantage has ever been derived -therefrom?</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Love Powders and Drops.—French Secret, etc.</span></p> - -<p>I have, by purchase and otherwise, obtained the secret of the compounds of -the celebrated “Spanish,” <i>alias</i> “Turkish, Love Powders.” I had -previously considered them very harmless preparations. They are quite the -reverse. The powder and drops are <i>Spanish flies</i> and <i>blood-root</i>! -Sometimes the former are mixed (pulverized) with fine sugar; but the -Spanish flies (cantharides), either in powder or liquid, is a very -dangerous irritant, a very small dose sometimes producing painful and -dangerous strangury. It is far more certain to produce this distressing -complaint than to cause any sexual excitement. There may be some harmless -powders sold as “love powders,” but I have never seen any.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span> I have a -quantity of the former. Any physician or chemist may see it, who is -interested. A few drops of it will produce burning and excoriation of the -mouth and stomach, and inflammation of the stomach, liver, and kidneys. -And this dangerous stuff is sold by ignorant fortune-tellers to any -equally ignorant, credulous creature who may send fifty cents therefor.</p> - -<p><i>The French Secret</i> is only for fools. Reader, <i>you</i> have no occasion for -it. It would be of no positive earthly benefit, provided I could so -construe language as to explain to you what it is, in this connection. Be -assured that you cannot circumvent Nature, except at the expense of -health. <i>Qui n’a sante n’a rien.</i></p> - -<p>Druggists’ clerks sometimes sell to boys <i>tincture cantharis</i> for evil -purposes.</p> - -<p><i>Hasheesh</i> is another dangerous article, sometimes sold at random, and -purchased for no good purpose. A few years since, a great excitement was -produced by the young ladies of P—— Female Seminary obtaining and using -a quantity of <i>hasheesh</i>. “One girl took five grains, another <i>ten</i> -grains. The latter was rendered insensible, and with difficulty restored -to consciousness, while the former was rushing around under the peculiar -hallucinating effect of the drug, and in a manner bordering on indecency.” -I obtained this statement, with more that I cannot publish, from a -physician who witnessed the scene.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Does he love me?</span>”</p> - -<p>Young girls and children are seduced into visiting fortune-tellers. A -Boston fortune-teller, in 1871, took a summer tour through Eastern -Massachusetts and New Hampshire. At Manchester, one evening, some one -knocked lightly at her reception-room door, when, on her answering the -summons, there stood three little girls, of ten or twelve summers.</p> - -<p>“Well,” said the lady, “what do you children want?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span>“We came to have our fortunes told,” replied the youngest, drawing her -little form up to represent every half inch of her diminutive dimensions. -With a smile of incredulity, the lady said, “It costs fifty cents. -Besides, you are too small to have a fortune told.”</p> - -<p>“We’ve got the money,” replied the little speaker; “and we’re not too -little. Why, I am ten, and Jenny, here, is twelve.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 376px;"><img src="images/img050.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">CHILDREN CONSULTING A FORTUNE-TELLER.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Well, come in,” replied the fortune-teller. There was a lady present, who -also asked what those children came there for.</p> - -<p>The girls sat up in some chairs proffered. The younger one was so small -that her little feet could not reach the floor, and sitting back in her -chair, her little limbs stuck out straight, as such awkward little folks’ -will.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span>The woman told them something, to seem to cover the money paid. It was not -satisfactory, however, and the ten-year-old one put the following -questions:—</p> - -<p>“Do you think, ma’am, that the young man who is keeping company with me -loves me?”</p> - -<p>This was a poser, and the woman laughed outright.</p> - -<p>“What did she reply?” I asked, shocked, though amused, by the -ridiculousness of the whole affair.</p> - -<p>“O, Gad, if I know! I was too busy then to listen.”</p> - -<p>The next question was more strange than the first:—</p> - -<p>“Will the young gentleman marry me, eventually?”</p> - -<p>“Doubtless he will when you become older,” was the reply; “and I advise -you to think no more about it till you are much older.”</p> - -<p>I obtained this item from the third party present, the husband of the -fortune-teller.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img051.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="X" id="X"></a>X.</h2> -<p class="title">EMINENT PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td valign="top" align="right"><i>Lord Say.</i></td> - <td>Why, Heaven ne’er made the universe a level.<br /> - Some trees are loftier than the rest, some mountains<br /> - O’erpeak their fellows, and some planets shine<br /> - With brighter ray above the skyey route<br /> - Than others. Nay, even at our feet, the rose<br /> - Outscents the lily; and the humblest flower<br /> - Is noble still o’er meaner plants. And thus<br /> - Some men are nobler than the mass, and should,<br /> - By nature’s order, shine above their brethren.</td></tr> -<tr><td valign="top" align="right"><i>Lord Clifford.</i></td> - <td>’Tis true the noble should; but who is noble?<br />Heaven, and not heraldry, makes noble men.</td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>THEIR ORIGIN, BOYHOOD, EARLY STRUGGLES, ETC.—DOCTORS ARE PUBLIC -PROPERTY.—DR. MOTT, OF OYSTER BAY.—DR. PARKER.—A “PLOUGH-BOY.”—THE -FARMER’S BOY AND THE OLD DOCTOR.—SCENE IN BELLEVUE HOSPITAL.—“LEAVES -FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNFLEDGED ÆSCULAPIAN.”—FIRST -PATIENT.—“NONPLUSSED!”—ALL RIGHT AT LAST.—PROFESSORS EBERLE AND -DEWEES.—A HARD START.—“FOOTING IT.”—ABERNETHY’S BOYHOOD.—“OLD -SQUEERS.”—SPARE THE BOY AND SPOIL THE ROD.—A DIGRESSION.—SKIRTING A -BOG.—AN AGREEABLE TURN.—PROFESSOR HOLMES.—A HOMELESS STUDENT.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>It is amusing, as well as instructive, to compare notes on the various -circumstances which have led different young men to adopt the science of -medicine as their profession.</p> - -<p>The advantages of birth and “noble blood” weigh lightly, when thrown into -the balance, against circumstances of after life, and its necessities, in -ourselves or fellow-creatures. In searching through biographies of famous -people, of all ages and countries (to collect a chapter on “Origin of -Great<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span> Men”), I am peculiarly convinced of the correctness of this -conclusion.</p> - -<p>The earlier histories and traits of character—no matter which way they -point—of all great men are interesting to review; and yet it is a -lamentable fact that the accounts of boyhood days, aspirations, hopes, and -struggles, with the many little interesting items and episodes of the -youth of most great men are very meagre, and, in many cases, entirely lost -to the world.</p> - -<p>In the published biographies of physicians this is particularly the case. -You read the biography of one, and it will suffice for the whole. It -begins something like this:—</p> - -<p>“Dr. A. was born in Blanktown, about the year 18—; entered the office of -Dr. Bolus, where he studied physic; attended college at Spoon Haven, where -he graduated with honors; arrived at eminence in his profession;” and, if -defunct, ends, “he died at Mortgrass, and sleeps with his fathers. -<i>Requiescat in pace.</i>”</p> - -<p>In presenting to the public the following little sketches of physicians, I -may only say that doctors, of all men, are considered public property, and -have suffered more of the public’s kicks and cuffs than any other class of -men, from the time when Hercules amused himself by setting up old Dr. -Chiron, and shooting poisoned arrows at his vulnerable heel, to the little -divertisement of the lovely St. Calvin and his consistory in cooking -Michael Servetus, the Spanish physician; to the imprisonment of our army -surgeons by their “brethren” of the South, that they might not be -instrumental in restoring Union soldiers to the ranks; or the more recent -imprisonment of a physician without cause, and the wholesale slaughter of -students, in the Isle of Cuba.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">The Quaker Surgeon.</span>”</p> - -<p>Dr. Valentine Mott gave no intimation, in his boyhood days, of the great -ability that for a time seemed to lie <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span>dormant within the after-developed, -massive, and well-balanced brain of the celebrated surgeon. Except from -the fact of his being the son of a country doctor, his schoolmates would -as soon have expected to see him turn out a second-rate -oyster-man,—suggested by the ominous name of the Bay, at Glen Cove, where -Valentine was born,—as to believe that a boy of no more promise would -develop into the greatest physician and surgeon of the age! He was reared -amongst doctors,—his father, and Dr. Valentine Searnen, and others.</p> - -<p>A “plough-boy” is as likely to become an eminent surgeon as is the son of -a practising physician. Dr. Willard Parker, one of the most prominent -physicians and surgeons of New York city, was born in New Hampshire, in -1802, of humble though most respectable parents. When Willard was but a -few years old, his family removed to Middlesex County, Mass., evidently -with a hope of bettering their circumstances. Here Mr. Parker entered more -fully upon the practical duties of an agricultural life, instructing his -son Willard, when not attending the village school, in the mysteries of -“Haw, Buck, and gee up, Dobbin.”</p> - -<p>Until he was sixteen years old, young Parker was brought up a “plough-boy” -and a tiller of the soil. From a “plough-boy” he became the “master” of a -village school, “teaching the young idea how to shoot,” which honest -pursuit he continued for several years, until he had accumulated -sufficient means to enter Harvard. He was a hard-working student, and his -books were not thrown aside when he had obtained a diploma, in 1830.... As -a lecturer and operator, Dr. Parker has been most successful.... Since the -death of Dr. Valentine Mott, in April, 1865, Professor Parker has been -elected president of the New York Inebriate Asylum (Binghamton).</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">An Onondaga Farmer Boy.</span></p> - -<p>Imagine, dear reader, looking back over the space of nearly forty years, -that you see an uncouth young man, twenty years of age, clad in the coarse -clothes and cowhide boots of an Onondaga farmer, who, straightening up -from his laborious task of potato hoeing, stops for a moment, leaning with -one hand upon his hoe, while he wipes the sweat from his handsome, -intelligent, though sun-burned brow with a cotton handkerchief in the -other. Here is a picture for a painter! Now he seems studiously observing -the old village doctor, who, seated in his crazy old gig, drawn by his -ancient sorrel mare, is leisurely jogging by on the main turnpike.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 296px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img052.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE ONONDAGA FARMER BOY.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Good evening, Stephen; p’taters doin’ well?” says the doctor.</p> - -<p>Receiving an affirmative answer, the doctor drives past, and is gone from -the sight, but not from the memory, of the young farmer.</p> - -<p>“And <i>that</i> is a representative of the science of medicine!”</p> - -<p>So saying, the young man “hoed out his row,”—which was his last,—picked -up his coat, and returned to the parental mansion, but a few rods distant. -This was the turning-point in his life.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span>We pass over twenty years or more.</p> - -<p>It is operating-day at Bellevue Hospital, in New York city. A very serious -and important operation is about to be performed. Three hundred students -and physicians are seated in a semicircle under the great dome of the -hospital, in profound silence and intense interest, while the professor -and attending surgeon is delivering a brief but comprehensive lecture -relative to the forthcoming operation.</p> - -<p>The speaker is a man of middle age, medium height, deep, expressive eyes, -well-developed brow, with that excellent quality of muscle and nerve that -is only the result of earlier out-door exercise and development, with calm -deportment and modest speech. “His conciseness of expression and quiet -self-possession are evident to every beholder, and comprehensive and -congenial to every listener.”</p> - -<p>Who is this splendid man before whom students and physicians bow in such -profound respect and veneration, and to whom even Professors Mott, Parker, -Elliott, Clark, etc., give especial attention?</p> - -<p>It is Stephen Smith, M. D., once the Onondaga farmer boy!</p> - -<p>Says Dr. Francis, of New York, “When a youthful farmer is seen studying -the works of learned authors during that portion of the day which is -generally set aside for relaxation and pleasing pastime, one may easily -predict for him ultimate success in the branch of life that he may choose, -provided he follows out the higher instincts of his nature. The same zeal -that caused Stephen Smith, farmer, to study at the risk of ease, and meet -the fatigue of body with the energies of mind, has ever marked his course -in after years.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Commencing Practice.</span></p> - -<p>From that excellent work, “Scenes in the Practice of a New York Surgeon,” -by Dr. E. H. Dixon, I copy, with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> some abbreviation, the following, which -the author terms “Leaves from the Log-book of an Unfledged Æsculapian:”—</p> - -<p>“In the year 1830 I was sent forth, like our long-suffering and -much-abused prototype,—old father Noah’s crow,—from the ark of safety, -the old St. Duane Street College. I pitched my tent, and set up my trap, -in what was then a fashionable up-town street.</p> - -<p>“I hired a modest house, and had my arm-chair, my midnight couch, and my -few books in my melancholy little office, and I confess that I now and -then left an amputating-knife, or some other awful-looking instrument, on -the table, to impress the poor women who came to me for advice.</p> - -<p>“These little matters, although the ‘Academy’ would frown upon them, I -considered quite pardonable. God knows I would willingly have adopted -their most approved method of a splendid residence, and silver-mounted -harnesses for my bays; but they were yet in dream-land, eating moonbeams, -and my vicious little nag had nearly all this time to eat his oats and -nurse his bad temper in his comfortable stable.</p> - -<p>“In this miserable way I read over my old books, watered my -rose-bushes,—sometimes with tears,—drank my tea and ate my toast, and -occasionally listened to the complaint of an unfortunate Irish damsel, -with her customary account of ‘a pain in me side an’ a flutterin’ about me -heart.’ At rare intervals I ministered to some of her countrywomen in -their fulfilment of the great command when placed in the Garden of Eden. -(What a dirty place it would have been if inhabited by Irish women!)</p> - -<p>“And thus I spent nearly a year without a single call to any person of -character. I think I should have left in despair if it had not been for a -lovely creature up the street. She was the wife of a distinguished fish -merchant down town.</p> - -<p>“This lovely woman was Mrs. Mackerel. I will explain<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span> how it was that I -was summoned to her ladyship’s mansion, and had the pleasure of seeing Mr. -Mackerel, of the firm of ‘Mackerel, Haddock & Dun.’</p> - -<p>“One bitter cold night in January, just as I was about to retire, a -furious ring at the front door made me feel particularly amiable! A -servant announced the sudden and alarming illness of Mrs. Mackerel, with -the assurance that as the family physician was out of town, Mrs. M. would -be obliged if I would immediately visit her. Accordingly, I soon found -myself in the presence of the accomplished lady, having—I confess -it—given my hair an extra touch as I entered the beautiful chamber.</p> - -<p>“Mrs. Mackerel was not a bad-tempered lady; she was only a beautiful -fool—nothing less, dear reader, or she would have never married old -Mackerel. Her charms would have procured her a husband of at least a -tolerable exterior. His physiognomy presented a remarkable resemblance to -his namesake. Besides, he chewed and smoked, and the combination of the -aroma of his favorite luxuries with the articles of his merchandise must -have been most uncongenial to the curve of such lips and such nostrils as -Mrs. Mackerel’s.</p> - -<p>“I was received by Mr. Mackerel in a manner that increased observation has -since taught me is sufficiently indicative of the hysterical <i>finale</i> of a -domestic dialogue. He was not so obtuse as to let me directly into the -true cause of his wife’s nervous attack and his own collectedness, and yet -he felt it would not answer to make too light of it before me.</p> - -<p>“Mr. and Mrs. M. had just returned from a party. (The party must be the -‘scape-goat’!) He assured me that as the lady was in the full enjoyment of -health previously, he felt obliged to attribute the cause of her attack -and speechless condition—for she spoke not one word, or gave a sign—to -the dancing, heated room, and the supper.</p> - -<p>“I was fully prepared to realize the powers of ice-cream,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span> cake, oranges, -chicken-salad, oysters, sugar-plums, punch, and champagne, and at one -moment almost concluded to despatch a servant for an emetic of ipecac; -but—I prudently avoided it. Aside from the improbability of excess of -appetite through the portal of such a mouth, the lovely color of the -cheeks and lips utterly forbade a conclusion favorable to Mr. Mackerel’s -solution of the cause.</p> - -<p>“I placed my finger on her delicate and jewelled wrist. All seemed calm as -the thought of an angel’s breast!</p> - -<p>“I was nonplussed. ‘Could any tumultuous passion ever have agitated that -bosom so gently swelling in repose?’</p> - -<p>“Mackerel’s curious questions touching my sagacity as to his wife’s -condition received about as satisfactory a solution as do most questions -put to me on the cause and treatment of diseases; and having tolerably -befogged him with opinions, and lulled his suspicions to rest, by the -apparent innocent answers to his leading questions, he arrived at the -conclusion most desirable to him, viz., that I was a fool—a conviction -quite necessary in some nervous cases....</p> - -<p>“So pleased was Mr. M. with the soothing influences of my brief visit that -he very courteously waited on me to the outside door, instead of ordering -a servant to show me out, and astonished me by desiring me to call on the -patient again in the morning.</p> - -<p>“After my usual diversion of investigating ‘a pain an’ a flutterin’ about -me heart,’ and an ‘O, I’m kilt intirely,’ I visited Mrs. Mackerel, and had -the extreme pleasure of finding her quite composed, and in conversation -with her fashionable friend, Mrs. Tiptape. The latter was the daughter of -a ‘retired milliner,’ and had formed a desirable union with Tiptape, the -eminent dry goods merchant. Fortunately—for she was a woman of -influence—I passed the critical examination of Mrs. T. unscathed by her -sharp black eyes, and, as the sequel will show, was considered by her -‘quite an agreeable person.’</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span>“Poor Mrs. Mackerel, notwithstanding her efforts to conceal it, had -evidently received some cruel and stunning communication from her husband -on the night of my summons; her agitated circulation during the fortnight -of my attendance showed to my conviction some persistent and secret cause -for her nervousness.</p> - -<p>“One evening she assured me that she felt she should now rapidly recover, -as Mr. Mackerel had concluded to take her to Saratoga. I, of course, -acquiesced in the decision, though my previous opinion had not been asked. -I took a final leave of the lovely woman, and the poor child soon departed -for Saratoga.</p> - -<p>“The ensuing week there was a sheriff’s sale at Mackerel’s residence. The -day following the Mackerels’ departure, Mr. Tiptape did me the honor to -inquire after the health of my family; and a week later, Master Tiptape -having fallen and bumped his dear nose on the floor, I had the felicity of -soothing the anguish of his mamma in her magnificent <i>boudoir</i>, and -holding to her lovely nose the smelling salts, and offering such -consolation as her trying position required!”</p> - -<p>Thus was commenced the practice of one of the first physicians of New -York. The facts are avouched for. The names, of course, are manufactured, -to cover the occupation of the parties. The doctor still lives, in the -enjoyment of a lucrative and respectable practice, and the love and -confidence of his numerous friends and patrons.</p> - -<p>Quite as ludicrous scenes could be revealed by most physicians, if they -would but take the time to think over their earlier efforts, and the -various circumstances which were mainly instrumental in getting them into -a respectable practice.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">How Professor Eberle started.</span></p> - -<p>The young man who has just squeezed through a medical college, and come -out with his “sheepskin,” who thinks all<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span> he then has to do is to put up -his sign, and forthwith he will have a crowd of respectable patients, is -to be pitied for his verdancy. The great Professor John Eberle “blessed -his stars” when, after graduating as “Doctor of Medicine” in the -University of Pennsylvania, and making several unsuccessful attempts at -practice in Lancaster County, he received the appointment as physician of -the “out-door poor” of Philadelphia. After that, his writings, attracting -public attention, were mostly contributive to his success and advancement.</p> - -<p>Energy and determination are better property than even scholastic lore and -a medical diploma, for unless you possess the former, talent and education -fall to the earth.</p> - -<p>Dr. William P. Dewees, formerly Professor of Obstetrics in the University -of Pennsylvania, the celebrated author, physician, and surgeon, practised -seventeen years before he obtained a diploma. He was of Swedish descent on -his father’s side, and Irish on his mother’s. His father died in very -limited circumstances, when William was a boy; hence he received no -collegiate education until such time as he could earn means, by his own -efforts, to pay for that coveted desideratum. We find him, with an -ordinary school education, serving as an apothecary’s clerk, a student of -medicine, and at the early age of twenty-one years trying to practise -medicine in a country town fourteen miles from Philadelphia. Young Dewees -possessed great talent and energy, but his personal appearance was -scarcely such, at that early age, as to inspire the stoical country folks -with the requisite confidence to speedily intrust him with their precious -lives and more cherished coppers!</p> - -<p>“He was scarcely of medium stature, florid complexion, brown hair, and was -remarkably youthful in his appearance,” says Professor Hodge, M. D.</p> - -<p>I have before me an excellent likeness “of the embryo professor,” which -admirably corresponds with the description<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> given above; but though -“youthful,” yea, bordering on “greenness,” I can read in that frank, -intelligent countenance the lines of deep thought, and a soul burning with -desire for greater knowledge. The too florid countenance and narrow -nostrils are sure indications of a consumptive predisposition. Dr. Dewees -died May 30, 1841. He was well read in French and Latin, and also various -sciences.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A hard Starting.</span></p> - -<p><i>Sketch of Western Practice.</i>—The following interesting sketch is from -the able pen of Dr. Richmond, of Ohio, now a wealthy and eminent M. D. It -was originally contributed, if I mistake not, to the “Scalpel.”</p> - -<p>“I set myself down with my household goods in a land of strangers. How I -was to procure bread, or what I was to do, were shrouded in the mysterious -future. Memory came to my consolation; for, in spite of myself, the ‘Diary -of a London Physician,’ read in other days, came, with its racy pictures, -flitting before my mind’s eye; and I knew not but I, too, might yet wish -myself, my Mary, and my child sleeping in the cold grave, to hide me from -the persecution that seemed to follow me with such sleepless vigilance....</p> - -<p>“My store of old watches now came into play. A gentleman wishing to sell -out his land, I invested all the wealth I possessed in the purchase of a -ten-acre lot, shouldered my axe, and by the aid of a brother I soon -prepared logs for the mill sufficient to erect me a small dwelling. I -never was happier than when preparing the ground and splitting the blocks -of sandstone for the foundation of my house. One customer, whose wife I -had carried through a lingering fever, furnished me a frame for a -dwelling, and I fell in his debt for a pair of boots. Another furnished -nails and glass, and in the course of eight months I moved into my new -house.</p> - -<p>“For two years I fed my cow, and raised my own provender to feed my -gallant nag, which shared my toil and its<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> profits. My first two years’ -labor barely returned sufficient profit to pay for my home and feed my -little family.</p> - -<p>“My nag had died, and the terrible drought of 1846 forced me to relinquish -the horse I had hired, and for five months I performed all my visits on -foot, often travelling from six to ten miles to see one patient....</p> - -<p>“These were trying times; but what if the elements were unpropitious? I -had food and shelter for myself and family,—blessings about which I had -often been in doubt,—and I was fully prepared to let ‘the heathen rage, -and the people imagine’ what they chose!... The first winter was one of -great severity; the weather was very changeable, and the most awful -snow-storms were often succeeded by heavy rains, and the roads so horrid -as to be impassable on horseback or in carriages. I had a patient five -miles distant, sick with lung fever, and, in an attendance of forty days I -made thirty journeys on foot (three hundred miles to attend one patient!) -His recovery added much to my reputation, and I received for my services a -new cloak and coat, which I much needed, and a hive of honey bees!...</p> - -<p>“An old horse which I again hired of a friend had a polite way of limping, -and was a source of much merriment among my patrons. I persistently -attributed what they deemed a fault entirely to the politeness of the -quadruped; and this nag, with my plain and rustic appearance, endeared me -to the laboring population, and thus my calamities became my greatest -friends. My fortune changed, and the experience and name I had acquired -now came in as capital in trade, and a flood of ‘luck’ soon followed.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Abernethy’s Boyhood</span>.</p> - -<p>Seated upon the outside of an ancient London stage-coach, to which were -attached four raw-boned, old horses, just ready to start for Wolverhaven -one pleasant afternoon, you may easily imagine, kind reader,—for it is a -fact,—a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span> chubby-faced, commonplace little boy, some ten years old, with -another like youthful companion,—“two Londoners,”—while comfortably -ensconced within, in one corner of the vehicle, is a large, stern-looking -old gentleman, in “immense wig and ruffled shirt.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img053.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE POLITE QUADRUPED.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The stage-horn is sounded, the driver cracks his whip, the sleepy old nags -wake up, the coach rocks from side to side, and in a moment more the team -is off for its destination.</p> - -<p>Why! the reader is readily reminded of the scene of “<i>Old Squeers</i>,” -taking the wretched little boys down to his “Academy,” in Yorkshire, -“where youth were boarded, clothed, furnished with pocket-money,” and -taught everything, from “writing to trigonometry,” “arithmetic to -astronomy,”<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span> languages of the “<i>living</i> and <i>dead</i>” and “diet -unparalleled!” Nevertheless it is another case, far before “Old Squeers” -time.</p> - -<p>The elderly gentleman, in top-wig and immense ruffles, was Dr. Robertson, -teacher of Wolverhampton Grammar School, and the chubby little boy was -Master John Abernethy. Who the “other boy” was is not known, as he never -made his mark in after life. Says Dr. Macilwain,—</p> - -<p>“We can quite imagine a little boy, careless in his dress, not slovenly, -however, with both hands in his trousers pockets, some morning about the -year 1774, standing under the sunny side of the wall at Wolverhampton -School; his pockets containing, perhaps, a few shillings, some ha’pence, a -knife with the point broken, a pencil, together with a tolerably accurate -sketch of ‘Old Robertson’s wig,’—which article, shown in an accredited -portrait now before us, was one of those enormous by-gone bushes, which -represented a sort of impenetrable fence around the cranium, as if to -guard the precious material within; the said boy just finishing a story to -his laughing companions, though no sign of mirth appeared in him, save the -least curl of the lip, and a smile that would creep out of the corner of -his eye in spite of himself.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 286px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img054.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">YOUNG ABERNETHY.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“The doctor” was represented as being a passionate man.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span> Squeers again! -One day young Abernethy had to do some Greek Testament, when his glib -translation aroused the suspicion of the watchful old doctor, who -discovered the ‘crib’ in a Greek-Latin version, partially secreted under -the boy’s desk. No sooner did the doctor make this discovery than with his -doubled fist he felled the culprit with one blow to the earth. Squeers -again!</p> - -<p>“‘Why, what an old plagiarist Mr. Dickens must have been!’ you exclaim.</p> - -<p>“But the case in ‘Nicholas Nickleby’ is worse, far worse, for ‘the little -boy sitting on the trunk only sneezed.’</p> - -<p>“‘Hallo, sir,’ growled the schoolmaster (Squeers), ‘what’s that?’</p> - -<p>“‘Nothing, sir,’ replied the little boy.</p> - -<p>“‘Nothing, sir!’ exclaimed Squeers.</p> - -<p>“‘Please, sir, I sneezed!’ rejoined the boy, trembling till the little -trunk shook under him.</p> - -<p>“‘O, sneezed, did you?’ retorted Mr. Squeers. ‘Then what did you say -“Nothing” for, sir?’</p> - -<p>“In default of a better answer to this question, the little boy screwed a -couple of knuckles into his eyes, and began to cry; wherefore Mr. Squeers -knocked him off the trunk with a blow on one side of the head, and knocked -him on again with a blow on the other.”</p> - -<p>Robertson was a fact; Squeers was a fable. That’s the difference.</p> - -<p>As Dr. Robertson taught neither arithmetic nor writing in his school, the -pupils went to King Street, to a Miss Ready, to receive instruction in -those branches. This lady, if report is true, wielded the quill and -cowhide with equal grace and mercy, and when the case came to hand, did -not accept the modern advice, to “spare the boy and spoil the rod.”</p> - -<p>When the great surgeon was at the height of his fame, in London, many -years afterwards, Miss Ready, still rejoicing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span> in “single blessedness,” -called on her former pupil. In introducing his respected and venerable -teacher to his wife, Abernethy laconically remarked, “I beg to introduce -you to a lady who has boxed my ears many a time.”</p> - -<p>An old schoolmate, when eighty-five years old, wrote to the author of -“Memoirs of Abernethy,” saying, among other things, “In sports he took the -first place, and usually made a strong side; was quick and active, and -soon learned a new game.”</p> - -<p>It was contrary to his own desire that John Abernethy became a physician. -“Had my father let me be a lawyer, I should have known by heart every act -of Parliament,” he repeatedly affirmed.</p> - -<p>This was not bragging, as the following anecdote will illustrate:—</p> - -<p>On a birthday anniversary of Mrs. Abernethy, mother of John, a gentleman -recited a long copy of verses, which he had composed for the occasion.</p> - -<p>“Ah,” said young Abernethy, “that is a good joke, pretending you have -written these verses in honor of my mother. Why, sir, I know those lines -well, and can say them by heart.”</p> - -<p>“It is quite impossible, as no one has seen the copy but myself,” rejoined -the gentleman, the least annoyed by the accusation of plagiarism.</p> - -<p>Upon this Abernethy arose, and repeated them throughout, correctly, to the -no small discomfiture of the author. Abernethy had remembered them by -hearing the gentleman recite them but once!</p> - -<p>“A boy thwarted in his choice of a profession is generally somewhat -indifferent as to the course next presented to him.” Residing next door -neighbor to Abernethy’s father was Dr. Charles Blicke, a surgeon in -extensive practice. This was very convenient. Sir Charles is represented -as having been quick-sighted enough to discover that “the Abernethy boy”<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span> -was clever, a good scholar, and withal a “sharp fellow.” Thus, between the -indifference of the parent, and the selfishness of the surgeon, the -would-be lawyer, John Abernethy, was apprenticed to the “barber-surgeon” -for five years. He was then but fifteen years of age.</p> - -<p>“All that young Abernethy probably knew of Sir Charles was, that he rode -about in a fine carriage, saw a great many people, and took a great many -fees; all of which, though presenting no further attractions for -Abernethy, made a <i>prima facie</i> case not altogether repulsive.”</p> - -<p>We must not forget to mention that young Abernethy was of a very inquiring -mind. “When I was a boy,” he said in after years, “I half ruined myself in -buying oranges and sweetmeats, in order to ascertain the effects of -different kinds of diet on diseases.”</p> - -<p>Whether he tried said “oranges and other things” on himself or some -unfortunate victim, my informant saith not; but I leave the reader to -decide by his own earlier appetites and experiences. “When I was a boy,” I -think is significant of the probabilities that it was his own digestive -organs that were “half ruined.”</p> - -<p>Be it as it may, it reminds me of the case of a little country boy, who, -on his first advent to the city on a holiday, was chaperoned by his -somewhat older and sharper city cousin,—“one of the b’hoy’s,”—who -exercised a sort of vigilance over the uninitiated rustic, that the little -fellow might not surfeit himself by too great a rapacity for peanuts, -gingerbread, candies, and oranges, often generously sharing the danger by -partaking largely of the small boy’s purchases in order to spare his more -delicate stomach.</p> - -<p>Finding the ignorant little rustic about to devour a nice-looking orange, -his cousin pounced upon him just in time to prevent the rash act.</p> - -<p>“Here, Sammy; don’t you know that is one of the nastiest and most -indigestiblest things you could put into your stomach? Give it here!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span>Rustic, whose faith in the wisdom of his maturer cousin, though very -great, was yet quite counterbalanced by the sweets in the orange, slightly -held back, when the other continued,—</p> - -<p>“Leastwise, Sammy, let’s have a hold of it, and suck the abominable juice -out for you.”</p> - -<p>(For this digression I beg the pardon of the reader; for the idea I thank -Frank Leslie.)</p> - -<p>George Macilwain, M. D., F. R. C. S., etc., in prefacing the life of the -great London surgeon, gives a brief and interesting sketch of his own -boyhood, also his early impressions of Abernethy, and his first attendance -on his lectures.</p> - -<p>“My father practised on the border of a forest, and when he was called at -night to visit a distant patient, it was the greatest treat to me, when a -little boy, to be allowed to saddle my pony and accompany him. I used to -wonder what he could find so ‘disagreeable’ in that which was to me the -greatest possible pleasure; for whether we were skirting a bog on the -darkest night, or cantering over the heather by moonlight, I certainly -thought there could be nobody happier than I and my pony. It was on one of -these occasions that I first heard the name of ‘Abernethy.’ The next -distinct impression I have of him was derived from hearing father say that -a lady patient of his had gone up to London to have an operation performed -by Dr. Abernethy, though my father did not think the operation necessary -to a cure, and that Abernethy entirely agreed with him; that the operation -was not performed; that he sent the lady back, and she was recovering. -This gave me a notion that Dr. Abernethy must be a good man, as well as a -great physician.</p> - -<p>“As long as surgery meant riding across the forest with my father, holding -his horse, or, if he stopped in too long, seeing if his horse rode as well -as my pony, I thought it a very agreeable occupation; but when I found -that it included many other things not so agreeable, I soon discovered -that there was a profession I liked much better....</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span>“Disappointed in being allowed to follow the pursuit I had chosen, I -looked on the one I was about to adopt with something approximating to -repulsion; and thus one afternoon, about the year 1816, and somewhat to my -own surprise, I found myself walking down Holborn Hill on my way to Dr. -Abernethy’s lecture at St. Bartholomew’s.</p> - -<p>“When Dr. Abernethy entered, I was pleased with the expression of his -countenance. I almost fancied he sympathized with the melancholy with -which I felt oppressed. At first I listened with some attention; as he -proceeded, I began even to feel pleasure; as he progressed, I found myself -entertained; and before he concluded, I was delighted. What an agreeable, -happy man he seems! What a fine profession! What wouldn’t I give to know -as much as he does! Well, I will see what I can do. In short, I was -converted.”</p> - -<p>All who ever heard him lecture agree that Dr. Abernethy had a most happy -way of addressing students. Notwithstanding he has often been represented -as rough in his every-day intercourse with men, he was easy, mild, and -agreeable in the lecture-hall, and kind and compassionate in the -operating-room.</p> - -<p>After having carefully studied all that has been written respecting his -style and manner as a lecturer and delineator, and also studiously -listened to and watched the ways and peculiarities of our most excellent -lecturer on anatomy at Harvard, I find many striking resemblances between -Dr. Abernethy and Professor Oliver Wendell Holmes.</p> - -<p>“The position of Abernethy was always easy and natural, sometimes almost -homely. In the anatomical lecture he always stood, and either leaned -against the wall, with his arms folded before him, or rested one hand on -the table; sometimes one hand in his pocket. In his surgical lecture he -usually sat. He was particularly happy in a kind of cosiness, or -friendliness of manner, which seemed to identify him with his audience, as -if we were about to investigate<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span> something interesting together, and not -as though we were going to be ‘lectured at,’ at all. His voice seldom rose -above what we term the conversational, and was always pleasing in quality, -and enlivened by a sort of archness of expression.”</p> - -<p>He always kept his eye on the audience, except slightly turning to one -side to explain a diagram or subject, “turning his back on no man.”</p> - -<p>“He had no offensive habits. We have known lecturers who never began -without making faces;” we might add, “and with many a hem and haw, or -nose-blowing.”</p> - -<p>“Not long ago we heard a very sensible lecturer, and a very estimable man, -produce a most ludicrous effect by the above. He had been stating very -clearly some important facts, and he then observed,—</p> - -<p>“‘The great importance of these I will now proceed to show—’ when he -immediately began to apply his pocket-handkerchief most vigorously to his -nose, still facing his audience.”</p> - -<p>The ludicrousness of this “illustration” may well be imagined. Of course -the students lost their gravity, and laughed and cheered vigorously.</p> - -<p>Going in to hear Dr. Holmes lecture, at one o’clock one afternoon, -recently, the writer was both shocked and astonished, on the occasion of -the professor slipping in a pleasing innuendo, by hearing the students -cheer with their hands, and stamp with their thick boots on the seats.</p> - -<p>I shall have occasion to refer to this splendid man, the pleasing -lecturer, the skilful operator, the able author, the ripe scholar, the -pride of Harvard and the state,—Dr. O. W. Holmes,—in another chapter.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The homeless Student.</span></p> - -<p class="center">(Scene from the <span class="smcap">Early Life of a Boston Physician</span>. By permission.)</p> - -<p>Standing on the steps of the Astor House, New York, one cheerless forenoon -in early June, with my carpet-bag in one hand and my fresh medical diploma -in the other, with a heavy weight of sorrow at my heart, and only sixteen -cents in my pocket, I presented, to myself at least, a picture of such -utter despair as words are inadequate to express.<a name='fna_4' id='fna_4' href='#f_4'><small>[4]</small></a></p> - -<p>My home—no; I had none—the home, rather, of my kind old father-in-law, -where dwelt, for the time being, my wife and child, was many hundred miles -away. And how was I to reach it? I could not walk that distance, and -sixteen cents would not carry me there. I looked up Broadway, and I looked -down towards the Battery. I was alone amid an immense sea of humans, which -ebbed and flowed continually past me. O, how wistfully I looked to see if -there might be one face amongst the throng which I might recognize! but -there was none. Strange, passing strange, not one of that host did I ever -gaze upon before! Where—how—should I raise the money necessary to take -me from this land of strangers?</p> - -<p>“Pinny, sir? Just one pinny. Me father is broken up, and me mither is sick -at home. For God’s sake give me jist one pinny to buy me some bread.”</p> - -<p>I turned my gaze upon the picture of squalor and wretchedness just by my -side. I need not describe her; she was just like a thousand others in that -great Babel.</p> - -<p>“Here is doubtless a case of distress, but it is not of the heart, like -mine. Such poor have no heart. Skin, muscle, head, stomach! heart, none!”</p> - -<p>“Where is your father, did you say?” I asked, mechanically.</p> - -<p>“In the Slarter-house; broken up from a fall from a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span> stagin’ in -Twenty-sixth Street, sir,” replied the beggar-girl, still extending her -hand for a penny.</p> - -<p>“What is he doing in a slaughter-house, sis?” I inquired.</p> - -<p>“The Slarter-house is Bellyvew horse-pittle, sir; that’s what we Irish -call it, sir. Will ye give me the pinny, sir?”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 366px;"><img src="images/img055.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“PINNY, SIR? JUST ONE PINNY.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“O, yes, to be sure. Here are pennies for you. Go!”</p> - -<p>I knew of a poor Irishman who was brought in there at the hospital a few -days before badly “broken up” from a fall on Twenty-sixth Street. His name -was John Murphy; they are all named Murphy, or something similar; so it -was useless to ask the child her father’s name—probably it would have -been Murphy.</p> - -<p>The conversation had the good effect of arousing me from my lethargy to -action. I must not stay in this metropolis<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span> and starve. I could not remain -and beg, like the Irish girl.</p> - -<p>I went to Professor ——, the dean, and requested him to take back my -diploma, and let me have sufficient money to carry me home. He -complied—God bless him!—and I took the Sound steamer that afternoon for -the land of my nativity. What cared I if I was a second-class passenger; I -would in two days see my wife and my child!</p> - -<p class="center"><strong><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span></strong></p> - -<p>I had reached home, and was in the bosom of my family once more, and -amongst my friends, in a Christian land; for which I “thanked God, and -took courage.”</p> - -<p class="poem">“Then pledged me the wine-cup, and fondly I swore<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Ne’er from my home and my weeping friends to part;</span><br /> -My children kissed me a thousand times o’er;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">My wife sobbed aloud in her fullness of heart.”</span></p> - -<p>I had a “call” to practise in a country town twenty-five miles from E——, -where my family was to remain a few days till I had secured a house to -cover their heads amongst the good friends who were to become my future -patrons, as a few of them had been previous to my going to college. The -stage, a one-horse affair, called for my trunk, medicine-case, etc., and, -having no money with which to pay my fare, I told the driver that “I would -walk along,” while he picked up another passenger in an opposite -direction, “and if he overtook me on the road before I got a ride with -some one going to S——, he could take me in.”</p> - -<p>I walked bravely along a mile or more, and, hearing the stage coming, I -stepped from the road-side, secreting myself beneath a friendly tree till -he drove past. Issuing from my hiding-place, I trudged along till noon. My -darling little wife had taken the precaution to place in my oversack -pocket some doughnuts and cheese, and, when I had reached a clear, running -brook, I sat myself down upon a log, under the shade<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span> of the woods, and -partook of my very frugal meal, quenching my thirst from the waters of the -brook, which, like Diogenes, I raised in the hollow of my hand.</p> - -<p>Thus refreshed, I picked up my overcoat, and again walked along. Before -dark I reached S——, pretty tired and foot-sore from such a long walk.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 300px;"><img src="images/img056.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE PENNILESS PHYSICIAN.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The people, who were expecting me, were much surprised at my non-arrival -in the mail; but the unsophisticated driver assured them I had probably -secured a ride ahead of him, and I would put in an appearance before -nightfall.</p> - -<p>About midnight the door-bell rang,—I stopped at the hotel that -night,—and a young gentleman asked for Dr. C. I answered the call at -once, which was to the daughter of one of the most influential citizens of -the place. The young man who called me was her intended. They had been to -a party, and she had partaken freely of oysters, milk, and pickles.</p> - - -<p>Never did fifteen grains of ipecac prove a greater friend to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span> me than it -did on that occasion; and in an hour I was back to bed again.</p> - -<p>The news of the new doctor’s arrival, fresh from a New York college, and -his first “remarkable cure of the post-master’s daughter” that same night, -spread like wildfire, and my reputation was nearly established.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img057.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XI" id="XI"></a>XI.</h2> -<p class="title">GHOSTS AND WITCHES.</p> - -<p class="center">“Save and defend us from our <i>ghostly</i> enemies.”—<span class="smcap">Common Prayer.</span></p> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>FOLLY OF BELIEF IN GHOSTS.—WHY GHOSTS ARE ALWAYS WHITE.—A TRUE -STORY.—THE GHOST OF THE CAMP.—A GHOSTLY SENTRY-BOX.—A MYSTERY.—THE -NAGLES FAMILY.—RAISING THE DEAD.—A LIVELY STAMPEDE.—HOLY -WATER.—CÆSAR’S GHOST AT PHILIPPI.—LORD BYRON AND DR. JOHNSON.—GHOST -OF A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.—“JOCKEYING A GHOST.”—THE WOUNDED BIRD.—A -BISHOP SEES A GHOST.—MUSICAL GHOSTS.—A HAUNTED HOUSE.—ABOUT -WITCHES.—“WITCHES IN THE CREAM.”—HORSE-SHOES.—WOMAN OF ENDOR NOT A -WITCH.—WEIGHING FLESH AGAINST THE BIBLE.—THERE ARE NO GHOSTS, OR WITCHES.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>Is it not quite time—I appeal to the sensible reader—that such folly was -expunged from our literature? What is a ghost? Who ever saw, heard, felt, -tasted, or smelled one? Must a person possess some miraculous quality of -perception beyond the five senses commonly allotted to man in order to -become cognizant of a ghostly presence?</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img058.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">BELIEVERS IN GHOSTS.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>What stupid folly is ghost belief! Yet there are very many individuals in -this enlightened day and generation, who, from perverted spirituality, or -great credulousness, will accept a ghost story, or a “spiritual -revelation,” without wincing.</p> - -<p>It would seem that many great men of the past, as Calvin,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span> Bacon, Milton, -Dante, Lords Byron and Nelson, Sir Walter Scott, Wordsworth, and others, -believed in the existence of ghosts and spirits on this mundane sphere.</p> - -<p>There are but two classes who believe in ghosts, viz., the ignorant as one -class, and persons with large or perverted spirituality—phrenologically -speaking—as the other. These are the believers in dreams, in ghosts, in -spirits, and fortune-telling. These, too, are the religious (?) fanatics, -etc.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Origin of the word Ghost</span></p> - -<p>is curious.</p> - -<p>“The first significance of the word, as well as ‘spirit,’ is breath, or -wind.” It is of Anglo-Saxon origin, and is from <i>gust</i>, the wind. Hence, a -<i>gust</i> of <i>wind</i>. The Irish word <i>goath</i>, wind, comes nearer to the modern -English pronunciation, and shows how easily it could have been corrupted -to <i>ghost</i>.</p> - -<p>It is easy to imagine the good old Saxon ladies, sitting around the -evening fireside, and just as one of them has finished some marvellous -story of that superstitious age, they are startled by a sudden blast of -wind, sweeping around the gabled cottage, and her listeners exclaim, in -suppressed breath,—</p> - -<p>“Hark! There’s a fearful gust!”</p> - -<p>The transit from <i>gust</i> to <i>ghost</i> is easily done. The clothes spread upon -the bushes without, or pinned to the lines, flapping in the night air, are -seen through the shutterless windows, and they become the object of -attraction. The <i>effect</i> supersedes the <i>cause</i>, and the clothes become -the gust, goath, or ghost! The clothes, necessarily, must be white, or -they <i>could not be seen in the night time</i>! Hence a ghost is always -clothed in white. Therefore the wind (gust) is no longer the ghost, but -any white object seen moving in the night air.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 332px;"><img src="images/img059.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“HARK! THERE’S A FEARFUL GUST!”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p class="poem">“But I am a wandering ghost—<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I am an idle breath,</span><br /> -That the sweets of the things now lost<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Are haunting unto death.</span><br /> -Pity me out in the cold,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Never to rest any more,</span><br /> -Because of my share in the purple and gold,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Lost from the world’s great store.</span><br /> -<br /> -“I whirl through empty space,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A hapless, hurried ghost;</span><br /> -For me there is no place—<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I’m weary, wandering, lost.</span><br /> -Safe from the night and cold,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">All else is sheltered—all,</span><br /> -From the sheep at rest in the fold,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To the black wasp on the wall.”</span></p> - -<p>Moffat says that a tribe of Caffres formerly employed the word <i>Morino</i> to -designate the Supreme Being; but as they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span> sank into savagery, losing the -idea of God, it came to mean only a fabulous ghost, of which they had -great terror.</p> - -<p>Having briefly shown the folly of the existence of the word in our -vocabulary, I will proceed to explode a few of the best authenticated—so -called—“ghost stories;” and if I leave anything unexplained in -ghostology, let the reader attribute it to either my want of space in -which to write so much, or the neglect of my early education in the <i>dead -languages</i>.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Ghost of the Camp.</span></p> - -<p>I obtained the following story from one of the sentries:—</p> - -<p>At Portsmouth, R. I., there was a camp established during the late war, -186-. There was a graveyard in one corner of the enclosed grounds, where -several soldier-boys had been buried from the hospital, and here a guard -was nightly stationed.</p> - -<p>Of course there were many stories told around the campfires, of ghosts and -spirits that flitted about the mounds at the dead hours of the night, -circulated particularly to frighten those stationed at that point on -picket duty.</p> - -<p>The body of a soldier had recently been exhumed and placed in a new and -more respectable coffin than the pine box coffin furnished by Uncle Sam, -in which he had been buried, and the old one was left on the ground.</p> - -<p>Partly to protect himself from the inclemency of the weather, and quite as -much to show his utter disregard of all ghostly visitors, my informant -secured the old pine coffin, “washed it out, though it was impossible to -remove all the stains,” and, driving a stake firmly into the ground, he -stood the coffin on one end, and, removing the lid, used to stand therein -on rainy nights.</p> - -<p>“When it did not rain, I turned it down, and my companion and myself used -to sit on the bottom.</p> - -<p>“One day a soldier-boy had died in the hospital, and his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span> friends came to -take the body home for Christian burial. It was necessary to remove him in -a sheet to the place where they had an elegant casket, bought by his -wealthy friends, to receive the remains.</p> - -<p>“That very night I was on duty with my friend Charley S., when, near -midnight, seated upon the empty coffin, with my gun resting against the -side, and my head resting in the palms of my hands, I fell into a drowse.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 269px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img060.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A GRAVE SENTRY.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Waking up suddenly, I saw something white through the darkness before me; -for it was a fearfully dark night, I assure you. I rubbed my sleepy eyes -to make sure of my sight, and took another look. I discerned a form, -higher than a man, moving about over the mounds but a few yards distant. -It had wide side-wings, but they did not seem to assist in the motion of -the body part, which did not reach to the ground. I thought I must be -asleep, and actually pinched my legs to awake myself before I took a final -look at his ghostship. There he stood, stock still. I listened for my -companion, without removing my eyes from the white object before me. Still -I was not scared, but meant to see it out. I knew I could not see a man -far through that impenetrable darkness, for there were no stars nor -moon to reveal him. I would not call for help, for if it was a farce to -scare me, I should become the laughing-stock of the whole camp.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 394px;"><img src="images/img061.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A GHOST IN CAMP.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span>“Just then I heard the grass crackle, and I knew Charley was approaching -in the rear. Still there hung the apparition. I arose from the coffin, my -eyes fixed on the object before me, picked up my musket, took deliberate -aim at the centre of the thing, and just as I cocked my rifle, I heard -Charley set back the hammer of his ‘death-dealer.’ He, too, had discovered -the very remarkable appearance, whatever it was; and now the guns of two -‘unfailing shots’ covered the object. In another second it had suddenly -disappeared! I then spoke, and we ran forward, but found nothing! Where -had it gone so very suddenly? It had vanished without sight or sound. We -gave up the search; but still I did not believe we had seen anything -supernatural.</p> - -<p>“There was no little discussion in camp on the following day on the -subject. Charley said but little. I could not explain the remarkable -phenomenon, and a splendid ghost story was about established, in spite of -me, before the mystery became unravelled.</p> - -<p>“A tall fellow, who worked about the hospital, and who assisted in taking -away the corpse, was returning with the sheet, when he thought he would -give the sentry a scare from his coffin by throwing the sheet over his -head and stretching out his arms like wings. His clothes being black, his -legs did not show; hence the appearance of a white object floating in the -air. Hearing the guns cocked, he instantly jerked the sheet from his head; -winding it up, he turned and ran away. This accounted for it becoming so -instantaneously invisible.</p> - -<p>“‘Yes,’ said the sentry, ‘and in a second more you would have been made a -ghost!’”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Raising the Dead.</span></p> - -<p><i>The Nagles Family.</i>—The following remarkable and ridiculous affair -transpired in a village where the writer once resided. The Nagleses were -Irish. The family consisted of old Nagles, his wife,—who did washing for -my mother,—John Tom and Tom John, besides Mary. The reason of having the -boys named as above was, that in case either died, the sainted names would -still be in the family. This was old Mrs. Nagles’ explanation of the -matter.</p> - -<p>The old man worked about the wharves, wheeled wood and carried coal, and -did such like jobs during summer, and chopped wood in the winter. I well -remember of hearing stories of his greenness when he first came to town. -He was early employed to wheel wood on board a coaster lying at the dock. -The captain told him to wheel a load down the plank, cry “Under!” to the -men in the hold, and tip down the barrow of wood. All went well till old -Nagles got to the stopping-place, over the hold, when he dumped down the -load, and cried out, “Stand ferninst, there, down cellar!” to the imminent -peril of breaking the heads of the wood-stevedores below.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img062.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">OLD NAGLES.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I well remember also the first appearance of the two boys at the village -school one winter.</p> - -<p>“What is your name?” inquired the master of the eldest.</p> - -<p>“Me name, is it? John Tom Nagles, sir, is me name, and who comes after is -the same.”</p> - -<p>He always was called by us boys “John Tom Nagles, sir,” thenceforward. He -certainly was the rawest specimen I ever met.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span>One day the old man was wheeling wood on board a vessel. It was at low -water, and there was a distance of sixteen feet from the plank to the -bottom of the vessel’s hold. The poor old fellow, by some mishap or -neglect, let go the barrow, when he called, “Stand ferninst, there, -below!” when wood, barrow, and old Mr. Nagles, all went down together. By -the fall he broke his neck. I never shall forget the awful lamentation set -up by the combined voices of the poor old woman, John Tom, Tom John, and -Mary, as they followed the corpse, borne on a wagon, past our house, on -the way from the vessel to the Nagles’ residence.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 342px;"><img src="images/img063.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE NAGLES BOYS.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>On the following day great preparations were made to “wake” the old -gentleman according to the most approved fashion in the old country. There -were many Irish living—<i>staying</i>, at least—in that town, and large -quantities of pipes, tobacco, and whiskey were bought up, and the whole<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span> -town knew that a “powerful time” was anticipated by the Irish who were -invited to old Nagles’ wake. It was an unusual occurrence, and several -boys and young men of the village went to the locality of the Nagles’ -house to get a look upon the scene when it got under full pressure. I -certainly should have been there had not my parents forbidden me to go, -and I regret the inability to give my personal testimony to the truth of -the statement of what followed, as I do to what preceded, as related -above.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 445px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img064.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">CHIEF MOURNERS.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“When the wake was at its height, the room full of tobacco smoke, and the -jovial mourners full of Irish whiskey,—strychnine and fusel oil,—there -was an alarm of fire in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span> neighborhood. There was a grand rush from the -room, as well as from the windows where stood the listeners, and only one -old and drunken woman remained to watch the corpse. The door was left -open, and some of the young men outside, thinking it a good opportunity to -play a joke on the drunken party, ran into the room, and, seeing only the -old woman, who was too drunk to offer any objections, they removed the -body from the board, depositing it behind the boxes on which the board was -laid, and one of their number took the place of the corpse, barely having -time to draw the sheet over his face, when the ‘wakers’ returned.</p> - -<p>“The candles burned dimly through the hazy atmosphere of the old room, and -no one noticed the change. The pipes were relighted, the whiskey freely -passed, and finally one fellow proposed to offer the corpse a lighted pipe -and a glass of whiskey, ‘for company’s sake, through purgatory.’</p> - -<p>“Suiting the action to the word, he approached, attempted to raise the -head of the ‘lively corpse,’ and thrust the nasty pipe between his teeth.</p> - -<p>“The young man ‘playing corpse’ was no smoker, and in infinite disgust he -motioned the fellow away, who, too drunk to notice it, stuck the pipe in -his face, saying, ‘Here, ould man, take a shmoke for your ghost’s sake.’</p> - -<p>“‘Bah! Git away wid the div’lish nasty thing,’ exclaimed the young man, -rising and sitting up in the coffin.</p> - -<p>“There was an instantaneous stampede from the room of every waker who was -capable of rising to his legs, followed by the fellow in the sheet, who, -dropping the ghostly covering at the door, mingled with the rabble, and -was not recognized. The priest and the doctor were speedily summoned. The -former arrived, heard, outside the house, the wonderful story, and then -proceeded to lay the spirit by sprinkling holy water on the door-stone, -thence into the room. By this time the smoke had sufficiently subsided to -allow a view of the room, when the stiff, frigid body of old<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span> Nagles was -discovered on the floor, where ‘it had fallen,’ as they supposed, ‘in -attempting to walk.’ Of course the doctor ridiculed the idea of a stark, -cold body rising and speaking; but the Irish, to this day, believe old -Nagles, for that once, refused a pipe and a glass of whiskey. The few -young men dared not divulge the secret, and it never leaked out till the -entire family of Nagles had gone to parts unknown.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 429px;"><img src="images/img065.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A CORPSE THAT WOULD NOT SMOKE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>I find a great many ghost stories in books, which are not explained; but -since the writer knows nothing of their authenticity, nor the persons with -whom they were connected, they are unworthy of notice here.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Ghost of Cæsar at Philippi.</span></p> - -<p>Dr. Robert Macnish, of Glasgow, in his “Philosophy of Sleep,” says, “No -doubt the apparition of Cæsar which appeared to Brutus, and declared it -would meet him at Philippi, was either a dream or a spectral -illusion—probably the latter. Brutus, in all likelihood, had some idea -that the great battle which was to decide his fate would be fought at -Philippi. Probably it was a good military position, which he had in his -mind fixed upon as a fit place to make a final stand; and he had done -enough to Cæsar to account for his mind being painfully and constantly -engrossed with the image of the assassinated dictator. Hence the -verification of this supposed warning; hence the easy explanation of a -supposed supernatural event.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>“The ghost of Byron” may help to verify the above. Sir Walter Scott was -engaged in his study at Abbotsford, not long after the death of Lord -Byron, at about the twilight hour, in reading a sketch of the deceased -poet. The room was quiet, his thoughts were intensely centred upon the -person of his departed friend, when, as he laid down the volume, as he -could see to read no longer, and passed into the hall, he saw before him -the <i>eidolon</i> of the deceased poet. He remained for some time impressed by -the intensity of the illusion, which had thus created a phantom out of -some clothes hanging on a screen at the farther end of the hall.</p> - -<p>This is not the first time that Byron had appeared to his friends, as the -following, from his own pen, will show:—</p> - -<p>Byron wrote to his friend, Alexander Murray, less than two years before -the death of the latter, as follows:—</p> - -<p>“In 1811, my old schoolmate and form-fellow, Robert Peel, the Irish -secretary, told me that he saw me in St. James Street. I was then in -Turkey. A day or two afterwards, he pointed out to his brother a person -across the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span> street, and said, ‘There is the man I took for Byron.’ His -brother answered, ‘Why, it is Byron, and no one else.’ I was at this time -<i>seen</i> (by them?) to write my name in the Palace Book! I was then ill of a -malaria fever. If I had died,” adds Byron, “here would have been a ghost -story established.”</p> - -<p>Dr. Johnson says, “An honest old printer named Edward Cave had seen a -ghost at St. John’s Gate.” Of course, the old man succumbed to the -apparition.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Ghost of Conscience.</span></p> - -<p>I have yet to find the record of a good man seeing what he believed to be -a ghostly manifestation. It is only the guilty in conscience who conjure -up “horrible shadows,” as pictured in Shakspeare’s ghost of Banquo, as it -appeared to Macbeth. What deserving scorn, what scathing contempt, were -conveyed in the language of Lady Macbeth to her cowardly, -conscience-stricken lord, as she thus rebuked him!—</p> - -<p class="poem"><span style="margin-left: 5em;">“O, proper stuff!</span><br /> -This is the very painting of your fear;<br /> -This is the air-drawn dagger which you said<br /> -Led you to Duncan! O, these flaws and starts<br /> -(Impostors to true fear) would well become<br /> -A woman’s story at a winter’s fire,<a name='fna_5' id='fna_5' href='#f_5'><small>[5]</small></a><br /> -Authorized by her grandam. Shame itself!<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 8em;">... When all’s done,</span><br /> -You look but on a stool!”</p> - -<p>There is a great truth embodied in a portion of the king’s reply, that—</p> - -<p class="poem">“If charnel-houses and our graves must send<br /> -Those that we bury, back, our monuments<br /> -Shall be the maws of kites.”</p> - -<p>The gay and dissipated Thomas Lyttleton, son of Lord George Lyttleton, and -his successor in the peerage, has been<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</a></span> the subject of “a -well-authenticated ghost story, which relates that he was warned of his -death three days before it happened, in 1779, while he was in a state of -perfect health, and only thirty-five years of age.” This is what says a -biographer. Now let us present the truth of the matter.</p> - -<p>He was a dissipated man. He was subject to fits. A gentleman present at -the time of his seeing a vision, says “that he had been attacked several -times by suffocative fits the month before.” Here, then, was a <i>body -diseased</i>. The same authority says, “It happened that he dreamed, three -days before his death, that he saw a <i>fluttering bird</i>; and afterwards, -that he saw (dreamed) a woman in white apparel, who said to him, ‘Prepare -to die; you will not exist three days.’</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 201px;"><img src="images/img066.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">PREPARE TO DIE!</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“His lordship was much alarmed, and called his servant, who slept in an -adjoining closet, who found his master in a state of great agitation, and -in a profuse perspiration.”</p> - -<p>Fear blanches the cheek; perspiration is rather a symptom of bodily -weakness, and the result of a laborious dream, or even a fit. He had no -fear, for, on the third day, while his lordship was at breakfast with “the -two Misses Amphlett, Lord Fortescue,” and the narrator, he said, -lightly,—</p> - -<p>“‘If I live over to-night, <i>I shall have jockeyed the ghost</i>,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</a></span> for this is -the third day.’ That day he had another fit. He dined at five, and retired -at eleven, when his servant was about to give him some prescribed rhubarb -and mint-water, but his lordship, seeing him about to stir the mixture -with a toothpick, exclaimed,—</p> - -<p>“‘You slovenly dog, go and fetch a teaspoon.’</p> - -<p>“On the servant’s return, he found his master in another fit, and, the -pillow being high, his chin bore on his windpipe, when the servant, -instead of relieving his lordship from his perilous position, ran away for -help; but on his return, found his master dead.”</p> - -<p>He had strangled. Is it anything strange that a dissipated, weakened man -should die after having a score of suffocative fits? It had been more -surprising if he had survived them. Then, as respecting the dream, it was -the result of a “mind diseased.”</p> - -<p>There was evidence that his lordship had seduced the Misses Amphlett, and -prevailed upon them to leave their mother; and he is said to have -admitted, before his death, that the woman seen in his dream was the -mother of the unfortunate girls, and that she died of grief, through the -disgrace and desertion of her children, about the time that the guilty -seducer saw her in the vision. How could his dreams but have been -disturbed, with the load of guilt and remorse that he ought to have had -resting upon his conscience? The “fluttering bird” was the first form that -the wretched mother assumed in his vision, as a bird might flutter about -the prison bars that confined her darling offspring. The more natural form -of the mother finally appeared to the guilty seducer, and to dream that he -heard a voice is no unusual occurrence in the life of any person. The -peculiar words amount to nothing. Lyttleton gave them no serious thoughts, -and it was an accident of bodily position that caused his sudden death. -The whole thing seems to be too flimsy for even a respectable “ghost -story.”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Bishop sees a Ghost!</span></p> - -<p>An amusing as well as instructive ghost story is related by Horace -Walpole, the indolent, luxurious satirist of fashionable and political -contemporaries, whose twenty thousand a year enabled him to live at his -ease, “coquetting haughtily with literature and literary men, at his tasty -Gothic toy-house at Strawberry Hill.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 309px;"><img src="images/img067.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE BISHOP’S GHOSTLY VISITOR.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>He relates that the good old Bishop of Chichester was awakened in his -palace at an early hour in the morning by his chamber door opening, when a -female figure, clothed in white, softly entered the apartment, and quietly -took a seat near him. The prelate, who, with “his household, was a -disbeliever in ghosts” and spirits, said he was not at all frightened, -but, rising in his bed, said, in a tone of authority,—</p> - -<p>“Who are you?”</p> - -<p>“The presence in the room” made no reply. The bishop repeated the -question,—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</a></span>“Who are you?”</p> - -<p>The ghost only heaved a deep sigh, and, while the bishop rang the bell, to -call his slumbering servant, her ghostship quietly drew some old “papers -from its ghost of a pocket,” and commenced reading them to herself.</p> - -<p>After the bishop had kept on ringing for the stupid servant, the form -arose, thrust the papers out of sight, and left as noiselessly and -sedately as she had arrived.</p> - -<p>“Well, what have you seen?” asked the bishop, when the servants were -aroused.</p> - -<p>“Seen, my lord?”</p> - -<p>“Ay, seen! or who—what was the woman who has been here?”</p> - -<p>“Woman, my lord?”</p> - -<p>(It is said one of the fellows smiled, that a woman should have been in -the aged bishop’s bed-chamber in the night.)</p> - -<p>When the bishop had related what he had seen, the domestics apprehended -that his lordship had been dreaming, against which the good man protested, -and only told what his eyes had beheld. The story that the bishop had been -visited by a ghost soon got well circulated, which greatly “diverted the -ungodly, at the good prelate’s expense, till finally it reached the ears -of the keeper of a mad-house in the diocese, who came and deposed that a -female lunatic had escaped from his custody on that night” (in light -apparel), who, finding the gates and doors of the palace open, had marched -directly to his lordship’s chamber. The deponent further stated that the -lunatic was <i>always reading a bundle of papers</i>.</p> - -<p>“There are known,” says Walpole, “stories of ghosts, solemnly -authenticated, less credible; and I hope you will believe this, attested -by the father of our own church.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Musical Ghosts.</span></p> - -<p>We occasionally <i>hear</i> of this kind, but seldom, if ever, <i>see</i> them. An -old lady of Adams, Mass., came to the writer in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</a></span> a state bordering on -monomania. She stated that at about <i>three o’clock</i> in the night she would -awake and distinctly hear bells ringing at a distance. She would awake her -husband, and often compel him to arise and listen “till the poor man was -almost out of patience with the annoyance;” not of the bells, for he heard -none, but of being continually “wakened because of her whim,” as he -stated. A brief medical treatment for the disease which caused the -vibration of the tympanum dispelled the illusion of bells.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Piano-forte Ghost.</span></p> - -<p>A family residing, three years since, but a few miles out of Boston, used -to occasionally, during summer only, hear a note or two of the piano -strike at the dead hour of the night. A Catholic servant girl and an -excellent cook left their situations in consequence of the ghostly music. -In vain the family removed the instrument to another position in the room. -The musical sounds would startle them from their midnight slumbers.</p> - -<p>One thing very remarkable occurred after changing the piano: the sound, -which only transpired occasionally, with no regularity as to time, would -always begin with the high notes, and end with the lower. Finally, the -family—I cannot say why—removed to the city, and the house was sold. The -deed of conveyance did not include the ghost, but he remained with the -premises, nevertheless. The writer has seen him!</p> - -<p>“O, what a pretty cat!” exclaimed a child of the new occupant of the -haunted house, on discovering the domestic animal which the late possessor -had left.</p> - -<p>“Yes; and she looks so very domestic and knowing, she may stay, if no one -comes for her, and you’ll have her for a playfellow,” replied the mother.</p> - -<p>A few nights after their settlement, the new family were startled by -hearing the piano sound! No particular tune, but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</a></span> it was surely the piano -notes that had been distinctly and repeatedly heard. A search revealed -nothing. The piano was kept closed thereafter, and no further annoyance -occurred, until one night when the company had lingered till nearly -midnight, and the instrument had been left open, the sound again occurred. -The gentleman quickly lighted a lamp, ran down stairs, and closing the -door leading to the connecting room, he found the cat secreted beneath the -piano. The instrument was purposely left open the following night, and a -watch set, when, no sooner was all quiet, than the cat entered, and leaped -upon the piano keys. After touching them a few times with her fore paws, -she jumped down, and hid beneath the instrument. “The cat was out.” Only -one thing remained for explanation, viz., why the change of sound occurred -after removing the piano by the first occupants of the house. It occurred -in summer. They removed the piano so that the cat, entering a side window, -usually left a little raised, had necessarily jumped upon the high keys.</p> - -<p>If anybody has got a good ghost, spirit, or witch about his premises, the -writer would like to investigate it.</p> - -<p>The following silly item is just going the rounds of the press:—</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">A haunted House.</span></p> - -<p>“The first floor of Mrs. Roundy’s house, at Lynn, in which the recent -murder occurred, is occupied by an apparently intelligent family bearing -the name of Conway, who assert that they have heard supernatural noises -every night since the tragedy; and they are so sincere in their belief -that they are preparing to vacate in favor of their ‘uncanny’ visitors.”</p> - -<p>There’s nothing to it to investigate.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A few Words about Witches.</span></p> - -<p>My colored boy, Dennis, assures me that an old woman in Norfolk, Va., -having some spite against him, “did <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</a></span>something to him that sort o’ -bewitched him; got some animal into him, like.” The symptoms are those of -<i>ascarides</i>, but I could not persuade him to take medicine therefor.</p> - -<p>“’Tain’t no use, sir,” he replied, solemnly; “I knowed she done it; I -feels it kinder workin’ in yer (placing his hand on his stomach); what -med’cine neber’ll reach.”</p> - -<p>Neither reason nor ridicule will “budge” him. He knows he’s bewitched!</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 332px;"><img src="images/img068.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE MUSICAL PUSS.</p> -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 330px;"><img src="images/img069.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A DARKEY BEWITCHED.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Witches in the Cream.</span></p> - -<p class="poem">Through all the long, long winter’s day,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And half the dreary night,</span><br /> -We churned, and yet no butter came:<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The cream looked thin and white.</span><br /> -<br /> -Next morning, with our hopes renewed,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The task began again;</span><br /> -We churned, and churned, till back and arms<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And head did ache with pain.</span><br /> -<br /> -The cream rose up, then sulking fell,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Grew thick, and then grew thin;</span><br /> -It splashed and spattered in our eyes,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On clothes, and nose, and chin.</span><br /> -<br /> -We churned it fast, and churned it slow,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And stirred it round and round;</span><br /> -Yet all the livelong, weary day,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was heard the dasher’s sound.</span><br /> -<br /> -The sun sank in the gloomy west,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The moon rose ghastly pale;</span><br /> -And still we churned, with courage low,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And hopes about to fail,—</span><br /> -<br /> -When in walked Granny Dean, who heard,<br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 1em;">With wonder and amaze,</span><br /> -Our troubles, as she crossed herself,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And in the fire did gaze.</span><br /> -<br /> -“Lord, help us all!” she quickly said,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And covered up her face;</span><br /> -“Lord, help us all! for, as you live,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">There’s witches in the place!</span><br /> -<br /> -“There’s witches here within this churn,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That have possessed the cream.</span><br /> -Go, bring the horse-shoe that I saw<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Hang on the cellar-beam.”</span><br /> -<br /> -The shoe was brought, when, round and round,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">She twirled it o’er her head;</span><br /> -“Go, drive the witches from that cream!”<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In solemn voice she said;—</span><br /> -<br /> -Then tossed it in the fire, till red<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With heat it soon did turn,</span><br /> -And dropped among the witches dread,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That hid within the churn.</span><br /> -<br /> -Once more the dasher’s sound was heard,—<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Have patience with my rhyme,—</span><br /> -For, sure enough, the butter came<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In twenty minutes’ time.</span><br /> -<br /> -Some say the temperature was changed<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With horse-shoe glowing red;</span><br /> -But when we ask old Granny Dean,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">She only shakes her head.—<i>Hearth and Home.</i></span></p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Horse-shoes.</span></p> - -<p>One would suppose the folly of putting horse-shoes into cream, “fish-skins -into coffee, to settle it,” and forcing filthy molasses and water down the -throats of new-born babes, were amongst the follies of the past; but they -are not yet,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</a></span> with many other superstitious, and even cruel and dangerous -notions, done away with. For some prominent instances of this course of -proceedings the reader may consult next chapter.</p> - -<p>Riding through the rural districts of almost any portion of the Union, one -will sometimes find the horse-shoe nailed over the stable, porch, or even -house front door, to keep away the witches. As in Gay’s fable of “The Old -Woman and her Cats:”—</p> - -<p class="poem">“Straws laid across my path retard,<br /> -The horse-shoes nailed each threshold guard,”</p> - -<p>In Aubrey’s time, he tells us that “most houses of the west end of London -have the horse-shoe at the threshold.”</p> - -<p>The nice little old gentleman who keeps the depot at Boylston Station is a -dry joker, in his way. Over each door of the station he has an old -horse-shoe nailed.</p> - -<p>“What have you got these nailed up over the door for?” a stranger asks.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img070.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">BOYLSTON STATION.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“To keep away witches. I sleep here nights,” solemnly replies the -station-master; and one must be familiar with that ever agreeable face to -detect the sly, enjoyable humor with which he is so often led to repeat -this assertion.</p> - -<p>In numerous towns within more than half of the states,—I state from -personal inquiry,—there are at this day old women, who children, at -least, are taught to believe have the power of bewitching! My first -fright, when a little boy on my way to school, was from being told that an -old woman, whose house we were passing, was a witch.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</a></span>These modern witches may not have arrived at the dignity of floating -through the air on a broomstick, or crossing the water in a cockle-shell, -as they were said to in ancient times; but the belief in their existence -at this enlightened period of the world is more disgraceful than in the -darker ages, and the frightening of children and the naturally -superstitious is far more reprehensible.</p> - -<p>There is no such thing as a ghost. There are no witches.</p> - -<p>“The Bible teaches that there were witches,” has often been wrongly -asserted. That “choice young man and goodly,” whose abilities his doting -parent over-estimated when he sent him out <i>in search of the three stray -asses</i>, and whose idleness prompted him to consult the seer Samuel, and by -whose indolence and procrastination the asses got home first, was a very -suitable personage to consult a “<i>woman of a familiar spirit</i>” (or any -other woman, save his own wife), from which arose the great modern -misnomer of the “<i>Witch of Endor</i>.”</p> - -<p>“To the Jewish writers, trained to seek counsel only of Jehovah (not even -from Christ), the ‘Woman of Endor’ was a dealer with spirits of evil. With -us, who have imbibed truth through a thousand channels made turbid by -prejudice and error, she is become a distorted being, allied to the hags -of a wild and fatal delusion. We confound her with the (fabled) witches of -Macbeth, the victims of Salem, and the modern Moll Pitchers.</p> - -<p>“The Woman of Endor! That is a strange perversion of taste that would -represent her in hideous aspect. To me she seemeth all that is genial and -lovely in womanhood.”</p> - -<p>“Hearken thou unto the voice of thine handmaid, and let me set a morsel of -bread before thee, and eat, that thou mayest have strength when thou goest -on thy way.”</p> - -<p>Then she made and baked the bread, killed and cooked the meat,—all she -had in the house,—and Saul did eat, and his servants.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</a></span>I see nought in this but an exhibition of rare domestic ability and -commendable hospitality; in the previous act (revelation), nothing more -than a manifestation of the power of mind over mind (possibly the power of -God, manifested through her mind?), wherein she divined the object of -Saul’s visit, and, through the same channel, surmised who he was that -consulted her.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 376px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img071.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">WEIGHING A WITCH BY BIBLE STANDARD.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Witches are said to be “light weight.” But a little above<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</a></span> a hundred -years ago, a woman was accused in Wingrove, England, by another, of -“bewitching her spinning-wheel, so it would turn <i>neither the one way nor -the other</i>.” To this she took oath, and the magistrate, with pomp and -dignity, “followed by a great concourse of people, took the woman to the -parish church, her husband also being present, and having stripped the -accused to her nether garment, put her into the great scales brought for -that purpose, with the Bible in the opposite balance, which was the lawful -test of a witch, when, to the no small astonishment and mortification of -her maligner, she actually outweighed the book, and was honorably -acquitted of the charge!”</p> - -<p>Just imagine the picture. In an enlightened age, a Christian people, in -possession of the Bible, that gives no intimation of such things as -witches, stripping and weighing a female in public, to ascertain if she -really was heavier than a common Bible!</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img072.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XII" id="XII"></a>XII.</h2> -<p class="title">MEDICAL SUPERSTITIONS.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>“When cats run home, and light is come,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And dew is cold upon the ground,</span><br /> -And the far-off stream is dumb,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And the whirling sail goes round,</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And the whirling sail goes round;</span><br /> -Alone and warming his five wits<br /> -The white owl in the belfry sits.”—<span class="smcap">Tennyson.</span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>OLD AND NEW.—THE SIGN OF JUPITER.—MODERN IDOLATRY.—ORIGIN OF THE -DAYS OF THE WEEK.—HOW WE PERPETUATE IDOLATRY.—SINGULAR -FACT.—CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES.—“OLD NICK.”—RIDICULOUS -SUPERSTITIONS.—GOLDEN HERB.—HOUSE CRICKETS.—A STOOL WALKS!—THE -BOWING IMAGES AT RHODE ISLAND.—HOUSE SPIDERS.—THE HOUSE -CAT.—SUPERSTITIOUS IDOLATRIES.—WONDERFUL KNOWLEDGE.—NAUGHTY -BOYS.—ERRORS RESPECTING CATS.—SANITARY QUALITIES.—OWLS.—A SCARED -BOY.—HOLY WATER.—UNLUCKY DAYS.—THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.—A KISS.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>Medicine, above all the other sciences, was founded upon superstition. -Medicine, more than all the other arts, has been practised by -superstitions. Stretching far back through the vista of time to the -remotest antiquity, reaching forward into the more enlightened present, it -has partaken of all that was superstitious in barbarism, in heathenism, in -mythology, and in religion.</p> - -<p>In showing the Alpha I am compelled to reveal the Omega.</p> - -<p>Let us begin with Jupiter. I know that some wise Æsculapian—no -Jupiterite—will turn up his nose at this page, while to-morrow, if he -gets a patient, he will demonstrate<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</a></span> what I am saying, and further, help -to perpetuate the ignorant absurdities which originated with the old -mythologists, by placing “℞”—the ill-drawn sign of Jupiter—before his -recipe.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img073.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE GOD OF RECIPES.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>De Paris tells us that the physician of the present day continues to -prefix to his prescriptions the letter “℞,” which is generally supposed -to mean “recipe,” but which is, in truth, a relic of the astrological -symbol of Jupiter, formerly used as a species of superstitious invocation, -or to propitiate the king of the gods that the compound might act -favorably.</p> - -<p>There are still in use many other things which present <i>prima facie</i> -evidence of having been introduced when the users placed more faith in -mythological or planetary influence than in any innate virtue of the -article itself. For instance, at a very early period all diseases were -regarded as the effects of certain planetary actions; and not only -diseases, but our lives, fortunes, conduct, and the various qualities that -constitute one’s character, were the consequences of certain planetary -control under which we existed. Are there not many who now believe this?</p> - -<p>“In ancient medicine pharmacy was at one period only the application of -the dreams of astrology to the vegetable world. The herb which put an ague -or madness to flight did so by reason of a mystic power imparted to it by -a particular constellation, the outward signs of which quality were to be -found in its color or shape.” Red objects had a mysterious influence on -inflammatory diseases, and yellow ones on persons discolored by jaundice. -Corals were introduced as a medicine, also to wear about the neck on the -same principle.</p> - -<p>These notions are not yet obsolete. Certain diseases are still attributed -to the action of the moon. Certain yellow<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</a></span> herbs are used for the -jaundice and other diseases. The <i>hepatica triloba</i> (three-lobed) is -recommended for diseases of the lungs as well as liver (as its first name, -<i>hepatica</i>, indicates), and some other medicines for other complaints, -without the least regard to their innate qualities. Corals are still worn -for nose-bleed, red articles kept about the bed and apartments of the -small-pox patient, and the red flag hung out at the door of the house, -though few may know why a <i>red</i> flag is so hung, or that it originated in -superstition.</p> - -<p>The announcement of an approaching comet strikes terror to the hearts of -thousands; the invalid has the sash raised that he may avoid first seeing -the new moon through the glass, and the traveller is rejoiced to catch his -first glimpse of the young queen of the night over his right shoulder, -“for there is misfortune in seeing it over the left.”</p> - -<p>But we are not yet done with ancient symbols.</p> - -<p>“The stick came down from heaven,” says the Egyptian proverb.</p> - -<p>“The physician’s cane is a very ancient part of his insignia. It has -nearly gone into disuse; but until very recently no doctor of medicine -would have presumed to pay a visit, or even be seen in public, without -this mystic wand. Long as a footman’s stick, smooth, and varnished, with a -heavy gold head, or a cross-bar, it was an instrument with which, down to -the present century, every prudent aspirant to medical practice was -provided. The celebrated gold-headed cane which Radcliffe, Mead, Askew, -Pitcairn, and Baillie successively bore, is preserved in the College of -Physicians, London. It has a cross-bar, almost like a crook, in place of a -knob. The knob in olden times was hollow, and contained a vinaigrette, -which the man of science held to his nose when he approached a sick -person, so that its fumes might protect him from the disease.”</p> - -<p>The cane, doubtless, came from the wand or caduceus of Mercurius, and was -a “relic of the conjuring paraphernalia<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</a></span> with which the healer, in -ignorant and superstitious times, always worked upon the imagination of -the credulous.” The present barber’s pole originated with surgeons. The -red stripe represented the arterial blood; the blue, the venous blood; the -white, the bandages.</p> - -<p>The superstitious ancients showed more wisdom in their selections of -names, as well as in emblems, than we do in retaining them. Heathen -worship and mythological signs are mixed and interwoven with all our arts, -sciences, and literature. Our days of the week were named by the old -Saxons, who worshipped idols—the sun, moon, stars, earth, etc., and to -their god’s, perpetual honor gave to each day a name from some principal -deity. Thus we are idolaters, daily, though unconsciously.</p> - -<p>I think not one person in a thousand is aware of this fact; therefore I -give a sketch of each.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sunday.</span></p> - -<p>The name of our first day of the week, Sunday, is derived from the Saxon -<i>Sunna-dæg</i>, which they named for the sun. It was also called <i>Sun’s-dæg</i>.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img074.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">SUN—Sunday.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>As the glorious sunlight brought day and warmth, and caused vegetation to -spring forth in its season, warmed the blood, and made the heart of man to -rejoice, they made that dazzling orb the primary object of their worship. -When its absence brought night and <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</a></span>darkness, and the storm-clouds -shrouded its face in gloom, or the occasional eclipse suddenly cut off its -shining, which they superstitiously attributed to the wrath of their chief -deity, it then became the object of their supplication. With them, and all -superstitious people, all passions, themes, and worships must be -embodied—must assume form and dimensions, and as they could not gaze upon -the dazzling sun, they personified it in the figure of a man—as being -superior to woman with them—arrayed in a primitive garment, holding in -his hand a flaming wheel. One day was specially devoted to sun worship.</p> - -<p>The modern Sunday is the day, according to historical accounts of the -early Christians, on which Christ rose from the dead. It does not appear -to have been the same day as, or to have superseded, the Jewish Sabbath, -although the Christians early celebrated the day, devoting it to religious -services. With the Christians, labor was suspended on this “first day of -the week,” and Constantine, about the year 320, established an edict which -suspended all labor, except agricultural, and forbade also all court -proceedings. In 538 A. D. the third Council of Orleans published a decree -forbidding all labor on Sunday.</p> - -<p>The Sabbath (Hebrew <i>Shabbath</i>) of the Jews, meaning a day of rest, -originated as far back as Moses—probably farther. It was merely a day of -rest, which was commanded by Jehovah; and if considered only on -physiological grounds, it evinces the wisdom and economy of God in setting -apart one day in seven to be observed by man as a season of rest and -recuperation. As such it only seems to have been regarded till after the -forty years of exile, when it changed to a day of religious rites and -ceremonies, which is continued till the present day by “that peculiar -people.” That particular day, given in the “law of Moses,” corresponds—it -is believed by the Jews—to our Saturday. Christ seemed to teach that the -Jewish Sabbath was no more<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</a></span> sacred than any other day, and he accused the -Pharisees with hypocrisy in their too formal observance thereof. He -attended their service on the Sabbath, on the seeming principle that he -did other meetings, and as he paid the accustomed tax, because it was best -to adapt one’s self to the laws and customs of the country.</p> - -<p>We do not purpose to enter into any theological discussion as to which of -the two days should be observed for rest and religious observances; for -who shall decide? Physiologically considered, it makes no difference. -There should be one day set apart for rest in seven at the most, and all -men should respect it.</p> - -<p>Without a Sabbath (day of rest) we should soon relapse into a state of -barbarism, and also wear out before our allotted time. “In the hurry and -bustle of every-day life and labor, we allow ourselves too little -relaxation, too little scope for moral, social, and religious sentiments; -therefore it is well to set apart times and seasons when all cares and -labors may be laid aside, and communion held with nature and nature’s -God.” And it were better if we all could agree upon one day for our -Sabbath; and let us call it “Sabbath,” and not help to perpetuate any -heathen dogmas and worship by calling God’s holy day after the idolatrous -customs of the ancient Saxons.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Monday.</span></p> - -<p>The second day of the week the Saxons called <i>Monandæg</i>, or Moon’s day; -hence our Monday.</p> - -<p>This day was set apart by that idolatrous people for the worship of their -second god in power. In their business pursuits, as well as devotional -exercises, they devoted themselves to the moon worship. The name -<i>Monandæg</i> was written at the top of all communications, and remembrance -had to their god in all transactions of the day. Each <i>monath</i> (new moon -or month) religious (?) exercises were celebrated.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</a></span>The idol Monandæg had the semblance of a female, crowned or capped with a -hood-like covering, surmounted by two horns, while a basque and long robe -covered the remainder of her person. In her right hand she held the image -of the moon.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img075.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">MOON—Monday.<span class="spacer"> </span><span class="spacer"> </span>TUISCO—Tuesday.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Tuesday.</span></p> - -<p>The third object of their worship was Tuisco—corresponding with German -<i>Tuisto</i>—the son of <i>Terra</i> (earth),<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</a></span> the deified founder of the -Teutonic race. He seems to have been the deity who presided over combats -and litigations; “hence Tuesday is now, as then, court-day, or the day for -commencing litigations.” In some dialects it was called <i>Dings-dag</i>, or -Things-day—to plead, attempt, cheapen: hence it is often selected as -market-day, as well as a time for opening assizes. Hence the god <i>Tuisco</i> -was worshipped in the semblance of a venerable sage, with uncovered head, -clothed in skins of fierce animals, touching the earth, while he held in -his right hand a sceptre, the appropriate ensign of his authority.</p> - -<p>Thus originated the name of our third day of the week, and some of its -customs.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img076.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">WODEN—Wednesday.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Wednesday.</span></p> - -<p>This day was named for <i>Woden</i>,—the same as <i>Odin</i>,—and was sacred to -the divinity of the Northern and Eastern nations. He was the Anglo-Saxons’ -god of war, “who came to them from the East in a very mysterious manner, -and enacted more wonderful and brilliant exploits of prowess and valor -than the Greek mythologists ascribed to their powerful god Hercules.” As -<i>Odin</i>, this deity was said to have been a monarch (in the flesh) of -ancient<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</a></span> Germany, Denmark, Scandinavia, etc., and a mighty conqueror. All -those tribes, in going into battle, invoked his aid and blessing upon -their arms. He was idolized as a fierce and powerful man, with helmet, -shield, a drawn sword, a <i>gyrdan</i> about his loins, and feet and legs -protected by sandals and knee-high fastenings of iron, ornamented with a -death’s head.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img077.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THOR—Thursday.<span class="spacer"> </span><span class="spacer"> </span>FRIGA—Friday.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Thursday.</span></p> - -<p>From the deity <i>Thor</i> our Thursday is derived. This Saxon god was the son -of Woden, or Odin, and his wife Friga. He was the god of thunder, the -bravest and most powerful, after his father, of the Danish and Saxon -deities.</p> - -<p>Thor is represented as sitting in majestic grandeur upon a golden throne, -his head surmounted by a golden crown, richly ornamented by a circle in -front, in which were set twelve brilliant stars. In his right hand he -grasped the regal sceptre.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Friday.</span></p> - -<p>The sixth day of the week was named in honor of <i>Friga</i>, or Frigga, the -wife of Woden and the mother of Thor. In most ancient times she was the -same as Venus, the goddess of Hertha, or Earth. She was the most revered -of the female divinities of the Danes and Saxons. Friga is represented -draped in a light robe suspended from the shoulder, low neck and bare -arms. She held in her right hand a drawn sword, and a long bow in the -left. Her hair is long and flowing, while a golden band, adorned by -ostrich feathers, encircle her snowy brow.</p> - -<p>There is nothing in the name or attributes to indicate the ill luck which -superstition has attached to the day.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img078.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">SEATER—Saturday.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Saturday.</span></p> - -<p>The god <i>Seater</i>, for whom the last day of the week is named, is the same -as Saturn, which is from Greek—<i>Time</i>.</p> - -<p>He is pictured, unlike Saturn, with long, flowing hair and beard, thin -features, clothed in person with one entire garment to his ankles and -wrists, with his waist girded by a linen scarf. In his right hand he -carries a wheel, to represent rolling time. In his left hand he holds a -pail of fruit and flowers, to indicate young time as well as old. The fish -which is his pedestal represents his power over the abundance of even the -sea.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Christmas Festivals.</span></p> - -<p>Amongst the very pleasant and harmless customs which have been handed down -to us from the idolatrous rites and superstitions of the ancient Saxons, -Scandinavians, etc., are those connected with our Christmas festivities. -The whole observance and connections form a strange mixture of Christian -and heathen ceremonies, illustrative of the unwillingness with which a -people abandon pagan rites to the adoption of those more consistent with -the spirit of a Christianized and enlightened faith.</p> - -<p>Now, little folks and big, I am not going to ridicule or deny your right -to Christmas and St. Nicholas enjoyments; I will merely hint at their -origin, for your own benefit. The day brings more happiness—and folks—to -the homes and firesides of the people of the <i>whole world</i> than any other -holiday we celebrate.<a name='fna_6' id='fna_6' href='#f_6'><small>[6]</small></a> Thanksgiving, you know, is mostly a New England -custom. The 25th of December is just as good as any other day on which to -have a good time. Ancient people used to celebrate the first and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</a></span> sixth -of January. The first three months of the year are named after heathen -gods.</p> - -<p>The <i>name</i> of the day we celebrate is derived from a Christian source: the -rest from pagan. A good feeling was always engendered amongst the most -ancient people at the commencement of the lengthening of days in winter, -and the approach of a new year. The hanging up of the mistletoe, with the -ceremony of gathering it, the kindling of the Yule log, and giving of -presents, we trace to the Druids, who were the priests, doctors, and -judges of the ancient Celts, Gauls, Britons, and Germans. Our modern -stoves and furnaces have shut out the pleasant old log fires, and the -candles only remain. The gifts originated in the giving away of pieces of -the mistletoe by the grizzly old priests.</p> - -<p>Who St. Nicholas was, is only conjectured, <i>not known</i>, any more than who -St. Patrick was. It makes no difference where he sprang from; he is a -good, jolly, benevolent fellow, who brings lots of presents, and, with the -little folks, we are bound to defend him.</p> - -<p>It is supposed that the original St. Nicholas lived in Lycia, in Asia -Minor, during the fourth century, and was early adopted as a saint of the -Catholic church, and also by the Russians and ancient Germans, Celts, and -others.</p> - -<p>“He has ever been regarded as a very charitable personage, and as the -particular guardian of children. Great stories are told of his charity and -benevolence. One of these, and that, perhaps, which attaches him to the -peculiar festivities of Christmas, is to the effect that a certain -nobleman had three lovely daughters, but was so reduced to poverty that he -was unable to give them a marriage portion, as was the indispensable -custom, and was about to give them over to a life of shame. St. Nicholas -was aware of this, and determined in a secret way to assist the nobleman.</p> - -<p>“He wended his way towards the nobleman’s house, thinking how he could -best do this, when he espied an open <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</a></span>window, into which he threw a purse -of gold, which dropped at the nobleman’s feet, and he was enabled to give -his daughter a marriage portion. This was repeated upon the second -daughter and the third daughter; but the nobleman, being upon the watch, -detected his generous benefactor, and thus the affair was made public. -From this rose the custom upon St. Nicholas Day, December 6, for parents -and friends to secretly put little presents into the stockings of the -children. Doubtless this custom, so near the festivities of Christmas, -gradually approximated to that day, and become identical with Christmas -festivities throughout the world. St. Nicholas is often represented -bearing three purses, or golden balls, and these form the pawn-broker’s -well-known sign, which is traced to this source as its origin—not, we -should judge, from their resemblance to the charity of St. Nicholas, but -emblematic of his lending in time of need.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Popular Notions and Whims.</span></p> - -<p>There was a superstition in Scotland against spinning or ploughing on -Christmas; but the Calvinistic clergy, in contempt for all such -superstitions, compelled their wives and daughters to spin, and their -tenants to plough, on that day.</p> - -<p>It is a popular notion to the present time in Devonshire that if the sun -shines bright at noon on Christmas day, there will be a plentiful crop of -apples the following year.</p> - -<p>Bees were thought to sing in their hives on Christmas eve, and it was -believed that bread baked then would never mould.</p> - -<p>So prevalent was the idea that all nature unites in celebrating the great -event of Christ’s birth, that it was a well received opinion in some -sections of the old world that the cattle fell on their knees at midnight -on Christmas eve.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Ridiculous Superstitions.</span></p> - -<p class="poem">“Merlin! Merlin! turn again;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Leave the oak-branch where it grew.</span><br /> -Seek no more the cress to gain,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Nor the herb of golden hue.”</span></p> - -<p>Merlin, the reputed great enchanter, flourished in Britain about the fifth -century. He is said to have resided in great pomp at the court of “Good -King Arthur.” You all know the beautiful rhyme about the latter, if not -about “Merlin! Merlin!” etc.</p> - -<p class="poem">“When good King Arthur ruled the land,—<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He was a goodly king,—</span><br /> -He stole three pecks of barley-meal<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To make a bag pudding.”</span></p> - -<p>Sublime poetry! Easy mode of obtaining the barley-meal (or Scotch -territory). Merlin attached many superstitious beliefs to some of our -medicinal plants. The “cress” is supposed to be the mistletoe. “The herb -of gold”—golden herb—was a rare plant, held in great esteem by the -peasant women of Brittany, who affirmed that it shone like gold at a -distance. It must be gathered by or before daybreak.</p> - -<p>The most ridiculous part of the affair was in the searching for the “herb -of golden hue.” None but devout females, blessed by the priests for the -occasion, were permitted the great privilege of gathering it. In order to -be successful in the search, the privileged person started before -daylight, barefooted, bareheaded, and <i>en chemise</i>. (Of course the priest -knew the individual, and when she was going.) The root must not be cut or -broken, but pulled up entire. If any one trod upon the plant, he or she -would fall into a trance, when they could understand the language of fowls -and animals—a belief not half as ridiculous as that of the present day, -that a person may fall into a trance, and understand the language of the -dead; yes, dead and decayed, the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</a></span> organs of speech gone! Yet thousands -believe such stuff to-day.</p> - -<p><i>The Mandrake.</i>—Great superstition was formerly attached to this root, -and even now is, in some rural districts. The root often resembles the -lower half of a human being, and it was credulously believed it would -shriek and groan when pulled from its mother earth. This notion is -expressed in Romeo and Juliet:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“Mandrakes, torn out of the earth,<br /> -That mortals, hearing them, run mad.”</p> - -<p>Again, in Henry VI.:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“Would curses kill, as doth the bitter mandrake’s groans.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 331px;"><img src="images/img079.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">GATHERING THE MANDRAKE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>A favorite mode of uprooting this coveted plant—because of its defensive -properties, when once gained—was to fasten cords to a dog’s neck, thence -to the base of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</a></span> stem of the plant, and sealing their own ears with wax -to prevent hearing the groans, which was death or madness, they whipped -the unfortunate dog till he drew out the roots, or was killed in the -attempt; for the dog usually died then or soon after the cruel beating, -and the shrieks of the mandrake were supposed to have caused his death.</p> - -<p>The Scabious, or “Devil’s bit,” was regarded with great superstition. “The -old fantastic charmers,” said the quaint Gerarde, “say that the Devil bit -away the greater part of this root for envy, because of its many virtues -and benefits to mankind.” Dr. James Smith (1799) as quaintly observes, -“The malice of the Devil has unfortunately been so successful, that no -virtue can now be found in the remainder of the root or herb.”</p> - -<p><i>House Crickets.</i>—The superstition respecting these cheerful and harmless -little <i>chirpers</i> is remarkable. Some consider their presence a lucky -sign, others their absence more fortunate. To kill one, with some persons, -is a sign of death in the house. Very strange! They, blind fools, do not -see that the saying originated in the death of the poor little cricket.</p> - -<p>The following very remarkable occurrence was related to the writer, as -having actually taken place at Providence, R. I., a few years since. Mrs. -D., a respectable lady, residing in the city, was reported to have been -followed about the house and up stairs by a “cricket,”—a wooden one, used -for a foot-stool. People called at her residence to inquire into the truth -of the matter; others even requested to see the remarkable phenomenon of a -cricket or stool walking off on all fours, until the lady became so -annoyed by the continual stream of credulous callers, that she inserted a -notice in the city journals denying the truth of the strange rumor. It was -supposed to have started from some neighbor’s seeing or hearing a house -cricket when on a visit at the lady’s house.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[Pg 323]</a></span><i>The Bowing Images.</i>—A still more amusing story is related respecting the -two images surmounting the wall each side of the gate at the residence of -Professor Gammel, of Providence. A report became current among the -school-boys of the city, that when the images <i>heard</i> the clock strike -nine in the forenoon they bowed their heads. My informant said it was no -unusual thing to see a dozen boys waiting, with books and slates, in front -of the professor’s gate, to see the images bow at nine. Being late at -school, the teacher would inquire,—</p> - -<p>“Where have you been lingering, that you are behind time at school?”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 320px;"><img src="images/img080.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“WAITING TO SEE THE IMAGES BOW”.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Been down to Professor Gammel’s, waitin’ to see the images bow.”</p> - -<p>Then the teacher drew his ferule or rod, and made them “bow” in submission -to a smart whipping—a sequel anticipated by the older scholars who -instituted the story.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[Pg 324]</a></span><i>House Spiders.</i>—Was there ever a child who was not taught, directly or -indirectly, that house spiders were poisonous,—that their bite was -instantaneous death? Was there ever a greater mistake? Many people have a -superstitious terror of these harmless creatures. The bite of spiders is -only poisonous to those insects which the divine economy seems to have -created for them to destroy. It is possible, as by a fly, sometimes for a -slight skin inflammation, less than a mosquito’s bite, to follow the sting -of a spider on a very small child.</p> - -<p>Let me hereby disabuse the public mind of the repugnance or horror with -which these little creatures are regarded. The Creator has evidently -placed them here for the destruction of flies and other insects, which -otherwise would completely overrun us. The fly is such a domestic -creature, that he soon deserts a house where the family is long absent. -The spider then removes also. (I have watched this proceeding, with no -little interest, in the absence of my own family.) Therefore the spider -was created to suppress a superabundance of insect life. When I have -before stated this fact, the listener has been led to inquire why the -flies were then made. We will not answer the suggestion of this “riddle” -as the Irishman did (you know that he said, “To feed the spiders, to be -sure”), but reply, that if this question is to arise in this connection, -we may as well keep on our inquiry till we arrive at the greater riddle, -“Why are <i>we</i> created?”—to which we have no space for reply.</p> - -<p>It is said that manufacturers of quill pens in London, being greatly -annoyed by a species of moth which infests their quills and devours the -feathers, and the common spider being endowed with an inordinate appetite -for those same moths, the penmakers and spiders are on the best of terms, -and an army of these much-maligned and persecuted insects encamp in each -pen factory, and do good service to the cause of literature as well as -trade, by protecting the quills.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[Pg 325]</a></span> We may yet find that even mosquitos and -bedbugs have their uses in the wise economy of nature.</p> - -<p>Now, when tidy housewifery requires that brush and broom should ruthlessly -demolish the webs,—the wonderful work and mechanism of the one species of -house spider,—let it be done as a necessity, not with a feeling of -repugnance to the harmless little insect; and let children be taught the -truthful lesson that nothing is made in vain.</p> - -<p><i>The House Cat</i>, with many, is regarded with unaccountable superstition. -It goes with the witch, particularly the black cat. No witch ever could -exist without one. This is usually the species that haunts naughty boys in -their dreams after they have eaten too heartily of cake, and other -indigestible stuff, at evening.</p> - -<p>Cats are as old as time. At least their existence dates back as far as -man’s in history, and they were formerly regarded as a sacred animal.</p> - -<p>In ancient Egypt we find that Master Tomas, with his round face and rugged -whiskers, symbolized the sun. Preserved in the British Museum are abundant -proofs of the reverence and superstition with which the feline race was -regarded by the Egyptians. Here several of these revered Grimalkins are -mummied in spices, and perfumes, and balsams, in which they have survived -the unknown centuries of the past, “to contrast the value of a dead cat in -the land of the Pharaohs with the fate of such relics in modern times, -ignominiously consigned to the scavenger’s cart, or feloniously hanging -upon a tree, the scarecrow of the orchard.”</p> - -<p>Diodorus, the Greek writer, 1st century B. C., informs us that such was -the superstitious veneration with which the Egyptians regarded cats, that -no one could ruffle the fur of Tom or Tabby with impunity, and that any -man killing a cat was put to death. (O, what a country it must have been -to sleep in!) In Ptolemy’s time, while the Roman army was established in -Egypt, one of the Romans killed a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[Pg 326]</a></span> cat, when the people flew to his house, -and dragged him forth, and neither the fear of the soldiers nor the -influence of the prince could deliver the unfortunate cat-slayer from the -wrath of the infuriated mob.</p> - -<p>Mohammed had a superstition for cats, and was said to have been constantly -attended by one. A cat hospital was founded at Damascus in respect to the -prophet’s predilection, which Baumgarten, the German professor (1714 to -1762) found filled with feline inmates. Turkey maintained several public -establishments of this kind.</p> - -<p>Howell the Good, king of Wales, 10th century, legislated for the cat -propagation, and it would seem that the race was limited, since a week old -kitten sold for a penny,—a great deal of money in those days,—and -fourpence for one old enough to catch a mouse. The following ludicrous -penalty was attached to a cat-stealer:—</p> - -<p>“If any person stole a cat that guarded the prince’s granaries he was to -forfeit a milch ewe, fleece, and lamb; or, in lieu of these, as much wheat -as, when poured upon the cat, suspended by the tail, her head touching the -floor, would form a heap high enough to bury her to the tail tip.”</p> - -<p>This would seem rather hard on poor pussy, even to threatening her -suffocation.</p> - -<p>Huc, in his “Chinese Empire,” tells us that the Chinese peasantry are -accustomed to tell the noon hour from the narrowing and dilation of the -pupils of pussy’s eyes; they are said to be drawn down to a hair’s-breadth -precisely at twelve o’clock. This horological utility, however, by no -means gives her a fixed tenure in a Chinese home. There she enters into -the category of edible animals, and, having served the purpose of a -cat-clock, is seen hanging side by side with the carcasses of dogs, rats, -and mice in the shambles of every city and town of the celestial empire.</p> - -<p>Descending to the middle ages, a mal-odor of magic taints the fair fame of -our <i>protégés</i>, more especially attaching<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[Pg 327]</a></span> itself to black or brindled -cats, which were commonly found to be the “familiars” of witches; or, -rather, their “familiars” were supposed to take the form of these animals; -and hence, in nearly all judicial records of these unhappy delusionists, -demons in the shape of cats are sure to figure. The witches in “Macbeth” -(for what impression of the times he lived in has Shakspeare lost?) -awaited the triple mewing of the brindled cat to begin their incantations; -and more scientific pretenders to a knowledge of the occult arts are -usually represented as attended in their laboratories by a feline -companion.</p> - -<p>Fragments of a superstitious faith in the magical, or what was till -comparatively recent times so nearly allied with it, the medicinal -attributes of the animal, still surviving in certain rustic and remote -districts of England, where the brains of a cat of the proper color -(black, of course) are esteemed a cure for epilepsy; and where, within our -memory, such a faith induced a wretched being, in the shape of woman, mad -with despair and rage, to tear the living heart from one of these animals, -that, by sticking it full of pins and roasting it, she might bring back -the regard of a man, brutal and perfidious as herself. Such formulæ are -frequently to be met with in the works of ancient naturalists and -physicians, and were, doubtlessly, handed down from generation to -generation, and locally acted upon in desperate cases.</p> - -<p>It is on evidence that more than one old woman has been condemned by our -wise ancestors to pay the penalty of her presumed league with Satan in a -fiery death, upon no better testimony than the fact that Harper, -Rutterkin, or Robin had been seen entering her dwelling in the shape of a -black cat. But if, in ancient times, old women, and young ones, too, have -been brought to grief through the cats they fostered, certain it is that -these creatures have suffered horrible reprisal at the hands of certain -vagrants of the sex in our own.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[Pg 328]</a></span>Our <i>Felis domestica</i> has, for a long time, labored under the serious -disadvantage of a traditional character. Buffon sums her up as a -“faithless friend, brought in to oppose a still more insidious enemy;” and -Goldsmith—who, it is well known, became a writer of natural history “upon -compulsion,” and had neither time nor opportunity for personal observation -of the habits and instincts of the creatures he so charmingly -describes—followed in the track of the great naturalist, and echoes this -ungracious definition.</p> - -<p>Boys have a natural contempt for cats, and picking them up by the tail, -tossing them over the wall, or tying old tin pots to their caudal end, to -see how fast they can run, are among their most trifling sports at the -expense of Tom and Tabby. I have known a cruel boy to roll a cat in -turpentine, and set fire to her. Few men have any feeling but repugnance -towards the feline race. The exceptions are in the past.</p> - -<p>Cardinal Wolsey’s cat sat on the arm of his chair of state, or took up her -position at the back of his throne when he held audiences; and the cat of -the poet Petrarch, after death, occupied, embalmed, a niche in his studio; -indeed, poets appear to be more susceptible of pussy’s virtues and graces -than other persons; and she has, on many occasions, been made the subject -of their verse, the sentiment of which fully expresses a sense of the -maligned animal’s faithfulness and affection.</p> - -<p>Tasso, reduced to such a strait of poverty as to be obliged to borrow a -crown from a friend to subsist on through a week, turns for mute sympathy -to his faithful cat, and disburdens his case in a charming sonnet, in -which he entreats her to assist him through the night with the lustre of -her moon-like eyes, having no candles by which he could see to write his -verses.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[Pg 329]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 393px;"><img src="images/img081.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">SPORT FOR THE BOYS BUT DEATH FOR THE CAT.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[Pg 330]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[Pg 331]</a></span>An editor facetiously says, “We have here among us at this time an -addition to the M. D.’s in the shape of two cat doctors, who have the -terrible idea that they were put upon this earth for the sole object of -doctoring cats, and now the mortality list shows, at the least -calculation, that no less than eighteen cats and two kittens have -travelled to that bourn from which no passengers have ever yet returned, -and all because they were the unlucky sons and daughters of ye night -prowlers who had been sacrificed for the good of the future cat -generation.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Present Errors.</span></p> - -<p>I think some reason for the present errors and superstitions attached to -cats, may be attributed to the <i>cat</i>-adioptric qualities of their eyes and -fur. At night their eyes often shine with phosphoric light, and rubbing -their fur with the human hand causes it to emit electric sparks, -particularly in very cold weather. They are supposed to partake of -ghostly, or witch-like qualities, because they can see in the night time. -Fish scales, as well as the flesh of fish, contain a phosphoric -principle—there is no witchery about such—which can be seen best through -the dark. The fur of other animals besides the cat contain electric -qualities. Humans possess it to a greater or lesser extent. The eye of the -cat—as also the owl—is made, in the divine economy, expressly for night -prowling. The back, or reflecting coat (retina), is white, or light, that -it may reflect dark objects. In man, and most animals, it is dark. A -light-complexioned person can (<i>cæteris paribus</i>) see better at night than -one who is dark. In a strong light, it is reversed. So much for -cat-optrics.</p> - -<p>Our cat-alogue would be incomplete without this cat-agraph, and we should -“cat-ch it,” hereafter, from some cat-echist, if we here discontinued our -cat-enary cat-egory, without some little cat-ch relative to the domestic -and redeeming qualities of this unappreciated cat-tle (excuse the -cat-achresis).</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[Pg 332]</a></span>Webster says the cat is a deceitful animal. Webster don’t know. She -certainly has large cautiousness and secretiveness. Man, with the same -secretiveness, with the same neglect and abuse that Tom receives, will -become doubly deceitful. Treat him kindly and affectionately, and he will -return it. Subject to everybody’s kicks, cuffs, and suspicion, the cat -necessarily becomes shy, ugly, and appears deceitful. So does a child. The -cat is fond of sweet scents, and pries into drawers and cupboards, oftener -to gratify her sense of smell than taste. Cats are very fond of music, and -occasionally go upon the piano keys to make the strings vibrate. Depending -upon their own exertions for a livelihood, they become thieves. They may, -by kind instruction, soon be taught to know and keep their own places.</p> - -<p>The healthy cat is neat and systematic. Children may be taught a useful -lesson by noticing that the tabby washes her face and hands after meals, -and never comes to her repast with them dirty.</p> - -<p>Cats are sometimes good fish-catchers, as well as mousers and -bird-catchers, often plunging into water to secure their favorite aliment. -Their love of praise is exhibited in their general tendency to bring in -their prey, and place it at your feet for your approbation. Give them the -notice due them, and they will redouble their efforts.</p> - -<p>It is a vulgar error to suppose their washing over the head is a sign of -rain, or that you can tell the time of tide by their eye-pupils, or that -they can go through a solid wall, have nine lives, or suck away a child’s -breath.</p> - -<p>The cat, as a sanitary means, should be domesticated, especially with -scrofulous children and females. Either by their absorbent or repelling -powers they assist nature in eradicating that almost universal -disease—scrofula.</p> - -<p>Teach children that “God has created nothing in vain,” and nothing which -will harm them if rightly used.</p> - -<p>Here we bid good by to Tom and Tabby.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[Pg 333]</a></span><i>The Owl.</i>—The superstition which has hung about this very harmless bird -is liable to soon cease in the extermination of the creature itself.</p> - -<p>“Was you born in the woods to be scared by an owl?” my grandmother once -sarcastically inquired when I was frightened from the barn by an old owl -inquiring,—</p> - -<p>“Who—a’—yoo?”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 304px;"><img src="images/img082.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“WHO—A’—YOO?”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I acknowledge I was a great coward; but I had heard the old women affirm -more than once that it was a sign of ill luck or death to hear one of -these cat-faced, cat-seeing, mousing creatures cry by day; so I fled from -the barn, while the old owl turned his head sidewise, as he sat on a beam, -trying to penetrate the light, repeating, “Who—a’—yoo?” It was a sign of -death, for my uncle shot the owl.</p> - -<p>Magpies are made the subject of superstition. To see a single one -strutting across your path is a sad mishap. There is luck in three, or -more, however.</p> - -<p><i>Holy Water.</i>—Church superstitions and rites are not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[Pg 334]</a></span> within our -province, unless they are objectionable in a sanitary point of view. If -the holy water is clean, it is just as good as any other pure water; but I -have seen it poured upon my Irish patients—years ago in Hartford and -elsewhere—when there were “wrigglers” in it from long exposure in an -unstopped bottle or tea-cup. I approve of holy water, therefore, in large -quantities, with other rites, tending to a sanitary object. Have plenty of -water—with soap.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img083.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE PROPER USE OF “HOLY WATER.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p><i>Bells.</i>—Few useful articles have been held in greater reverence and -superstition. Their origin is of great antiquity. The first Jewish priests -adorned their blue tunics with golden bells, as also did the Persian -kings. The Greeks put bells upon criminals going to execution, as a -warning, as it was an ill omen to see a criminal and his executioner -walking. The superstition respecting bells began more particularly with -the tenth century, when the priests exorcised and blessed them, giving -them the names of saints, making the rabble believe that when they were -rung for those ceremonies they had the power to drive devils out of the -air, making them quake and tremble; also to restrain the power of the -devil over a corpse; hence bell-ringing at funerals.</p> - -<p>There are many legends wherein the evil spirits’ dislike to bells is -promulgated.</p> - -<p>As “the devil hates holy water,” so he does bell-ringing.</p> - -<p>Dr. Warner, a clergyman of the Church of England, in his “Hampshire,” -enumerates the virtues of a bell, by translating some lines from the -“Helpe to Discourse.”</p> - -<p class="poem"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[Pg 335]</a></span> -“Men’s deaths I tell by doleful knell;<br /> -Lightning and thunder I break asunder;<br /> -On Sabbath all to church I call;<br /> -The sleepy head I raise from bed;<br /> -The winds so fierce I doe disperse;<br /> -Men’s cruel rage I do asswage.”</p> - -<p>I think the beautiful music discoursed by a chime of bells would be more -effectual “men’s cruel rage” to tranquillize, than a battery of seven -cannons. Aside from all superstitious notions, there is an irresistible -charm about the music of bells, and I rejoice that they are gradually -being redeemed from the superstition and monopoly of one ignorant -denomination, as the sacred cross may be, to the use and blessing of all -mankind.</p> - -<p><i>Fear of Thunder and Lightning.</i>—These have ever been sources of -superstitious terror. The ancients considered thunder and lightning as -direct manifestations of divine wrath; hence whatever the lightning struck -was accursed. The corpses of persons so killed were allowed to remain -where they fell, to the great inconvenience, often, of the living.</p> - -<p>The electricity which plays about high poles and spires was formerly -attributed to spirits. “Fiery spirits or devils,” says old Burton, “are -such as commonly work by blazing stars, fire-drakes,” etc. “Likewise they -counterfeit suns and moons ofttimes, and sit on ships’ masts.” The -electric sparks upon the metal points of soldiers’ spears were regarded as -omens of no small importance.</p> - -<p>In some parts of Europe, up to the last century, it was a custom to ring -bells during a thunder-storm, to drive away evil spirits; but this act -often was the cause of death, by the exposure of persons to the points of -attraction, and the conducting power of moist ropes and metallic wires. On -the night of April 15, 1718, the lightning struck twenty-four steeples -while the bells were ringing. In July of the following year, while the -bells were tolling at a funeral celebration<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[Pg 336]</a></span> in the Chateau Vieux, -lightning struck the steeple, killing nine persons and injuring -twenty-two. Statistics show that numerous deaths were caused by -bell-ringing in England and France, during the last century, to drive away -imaginary spirits.</p> - -<p>The saint usually invoked on these occasions was St. Barnabas.</p> - -<p>The houseleek and bay tree were supposed to afford protection from -lightning.</p> - -<p>“The thunder has soured the beer,” or the milk, is a common saying; and I -once saw a piece of iron lying across the beer-barrel to keep away -thunder. A heavy atmosphere may suddenly sour beer or milk.</p> - -<p>Creeping three times under the communion table while the chimes were -striking, at midnight, was believed to cure fits, as late as 1835.</p> - -<p>Glass, stone, and feathers are non-conductors to electricity. Persons very -susceptible to electric currents need give themselves no fear, and no more -caution need be taken than we take to protect ourselves against other -objects of danger. Lightning will not strike one out of doors, unless he -is near a point of high attraction,—under a tree, or pole,—or has about -him, exposed, some metallic substance, or some very wet article. Houses -under or near tall trees, or with suitable lightning-rods, are safe -enough. A feather bed, particularly one insulated by glass-rollers, or -plates, under the posts, and not touching the wall, is a perfectly safe -place for invalids and nervous people who are susceptible to electricity. -The pulse of such is often increased in frequency before a thunder-storm. -Let such first have no fear. See God in the storm and lightning as only a -saving power. I know a girl who “tears around like mad” for a man at the -approach of a thunder-storm. When finding one, she feels perfectly safe. -If not, she hides in the cellar till the storm abates.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[Pg 337]</a></span><i>Unlucky Days.</i>—The superstition respecting unlucky Friday is well known. -Some cynical bachelors say it is unlucky because named for a woman. Monday -was also so named. I can find no account of this superstition until after -the first century A. D. It is said that our Saviour was crucified on -Friday—a day of fear and trembling, of earthquakes and divers remarkable -phenomena; but that day is now as uncertain as the day of his birth, in -the various changes of the calendar, heathen naming of the days to suit -their notions, and the great uncertainty of chronology. No doubt Christ -arose from the dead on the then first day of the week, and was crucified -the third day before the resurrection; but what day of our present week -who can tell? If on Friday, it should be counted far from an unlucky day. -Sailors are particularly superstitious as to sailing on Friday, -notwithstanding Columbus sailed on Friday, and discovered America on that -day.</p> - -<p>The French believe in unlucky Friday. Lord Byron, Dr. Johnson, and other -authors and poets, are said to have so believed. Shakspeare, Scott, -Goldsmith, Bacon, Sir Francis Drake, Napoleon, and many other great men, -were pretty thoroughly tinged with superstition; the latter, it is said, -believed in “luck,” or destiny.</p> - -<p>The future of children is yet believed to depend much upon the day of the -week on which they are born.</p> - -<p class="poem">“Monday’s child is fair in face;<br /> -Tuesday’s child is full of grace;<br /> -Wednesday’s child is full of woe;<br /> -Thursday’s child has far to go;<br /> -Friday’s child works hard for its living;<br /> -Saturday’s child is loving and giving;<br /> -And a child that’s born on Christmas day<br /> -Is fair, and wise, and good, and gay.”<a name='fna_7' id='fna_7' href='#f_7'><small>[7]</small></a></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[Pg 338]</a></span>This, of course, is all nonsense—or rather the belief in such signs—and -one day is equally as good as another for nature’s work, or in which to -fulfil the requirements of God and nature. Let no mother, or her who is -about to become a mother, put faith in old nurses’ whims. Their brains are -full of all such fantastic notions, which are too often revealed in the -sick room, and the effect is often detrimental to the peace and happiness -of the mother, and at times dangerous to the life of the invalid.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Superstition of a Kiss.</span></p> - -<p>The monks of the middle ages—great theorists—divided the kiss into -fifteen distinct and separate orders.</p> - -<p>1. The decorous or modest kiss.</p> - -<p>2. The diplomatic, or kiss of policy.</p> - -<p>3. The spying kiss, to ascertain if a woman had drank wine.</p> - -<p>4. The slave kiss.</p> - -<p>5. The kiss infamous—a church penance.</p> - -<p>6. The slipper kiss, practised towards tyrants.</p> - -<p>7. The judicial kiss.</p> - -<p>8. The feudal kiss.</p> - -<p>9. The religious kiss (kissing the cross).</p> - -<p>10. The academical kiss (on joining a solemn brotherhood).</p> - -<p>11. The hand kiss.</p> - -<p>12. The Judas kiss.</p> - -<p>13. The medical kiss—for the purpose of healing some sickness.</p> - -<p>14. The kiss of etiquette.</p> - -<p>15. The kiss of love—the only real kiss. But this was also to be -variously considered; viz., given by ardent enthusiasm, as by lovers; by -matrimonial affection; or, lastly, between two men—an awful kiss, tasting -like sandwiches without butter or meat.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[Pg 339]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 335px;"><img src="images/img084.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE MODEST KISS.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The End is not yet.</span></p> - -<p>The reign of superstition is not yet ended.</p> - -<p>It is impossible for any great catastrophe, involving loss of property or -life, to occur without a certain superstitious class harping upon the -event as a judgment of God upon the wickedness of the victims. If a great -city is swept away by the devouring elements, we hear the cry that “an -offended Deity has visited the ‘Babylon of the West’ with his vengeance -for her wickedness.” Some penurious wretch takes it up, and says, “I’ll -give nothing, then, to the victims of the fire. It is God’s judgment; I -won’t interfere.” A rich man is murdered in cold blood, and the same howl -goes up, “It is the judgment of God upon him for heaping up riches.” The -fact of his riches going to thousands of poor artisans, actors, musicians, -widows, orphans, and “western Babylonian sufferers,” goes for nothing with -such people. These<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[Pg 340]</a></span> same superstitious wretches have not yet done -asserting that the assassination of President Lincoln was in judgment for -his attending a theatre.</p> - -<p>Twenty-five persons were killed in a church at Bologna, recently, while -kneeling in prayer. Was this an expression of God’s wrath upon -church-goers?</p> - -<p>“The laws by which God governs the universe are inexorable. The frost will -blight, the fire destroy, the storms will ravage, disease and death will -do their appointed work, though narrow-mindedness and bigotry misconstrue -their intent. All things are for good. If natural laws are violated, the -known and inevitable result follows.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>I have already exceeded the space to which this chapter was limited, and -there are a thousand superstitious beliefs and practices which are not -herein enumerated nor explained. But rest assured that nothing exists -without its uses, without the knowledge of the divine Author, and nothing -supernatural does or ever did exist amongst natural beings. There is -nothing within this world but what God has placed for man’s good. There is -nothing here past man’s ability to fathom. God is love.</p> - -<p>What there is beyond this world, we shall find out quite soon enough.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img085.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[Pg 341]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XIII" id="XIII"></a>XIII.</h2> -<p class="title">TRAVELLING DOCTORS.</p> - -<p class="center">“His fancy lay to travelling.”—<span class="smcap">L’Estrange.</span></p> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>PUBLIC CONFIDENCE(?).—THE EYE OF THE PUBLIC.—A BAD -SPECIMEN.—“REMARKABLE TUMOR.”—“THE SINGING DOCTOR.”—CAUGHT IN A -STORM.—BIG PUFFING.—A SPLENDID “TURNOUT.”—WHO WAS HE?—A SUDDEN -DISAPPEARANCE.—THE “SPANKING DOCTOR.”—A FAIR VICTIM.—LOOSE -LAWS.—DR. PULSEFEEL.—IMPUDENCE.—A FIDDLING DOCTOR.—AN -ENCORE.—“CHEEK.”—VARIOUS WAYS OF ADVERTISING.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>One might say, with some propriety, that these characters—travelling -doctors—should have been classed under the heading of our first chapter, -as “humbugs;” but if we should put all under that head that belong there, -O, where would the chapter end? As “all is not gold that glitters,” so -neither, on the other hand, is there anything so bad that no virtue can be -found in it. No heart is so utterly depraved as to prevent any good -thought or deed from emanating therefrom, though sometimes the good is -quite imperceptible to us short-sighted mortals.</p> - -<p>As the majority of physicians “turned” out of our medical colleges, or of -those in practice in our cities, are unfit to have intrusted to their care -the health and lives of our families, friends, or ourselves, so the -majority of travelling doctors are to be reckoned equally untrustworthy; -no more so.</p> - -<p>If the blessed Saviour should return to earth, and travel from town to -city, as he did eighteen hundred years ago, healing the sick, I really -think there would be a less number believing in him now than then. Less -gratitude for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[Pg 342]</a></span> his marvellous cures there could not be; for then some of -the miserable wretches, whom he healed free of charge, did not so much as -return him thanks. This may be said of some of our patients at this day.</p> - -<p>Let a medical man of ever so great reputation travel, and he is lost. A -band of angels, on a healing mission, would stand no chance with a people -who only expect humbugs to visit them. The Shakspearian inquiry would at -once and repeatedly be put,—</p> - -<p>“How chance it they travel? Their <i>residence</i>, both in reputation and -profit, was better both ways!”</p> - -<p>Let us view a few travelling doctors through the <i>public</i> eye:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“So shall I dare to give him shape and hue,<br /> -And bring his mazy-running tricks to view;<br /> -From humbug’s minions catch the scattered rays,<br /> -That in one focus they may brightly blaze.<br /> -<br /> -“I’d give our (nameless) knight, before he starts,<br /> -A tireless mind, where never Conscience smarts;<br /> -An oily tongue, which word should never speak<br /> -To call a blush to Satan’s brazen cheek;<br /> -With, yet, a power of lungs the weak to move,<br /> -Which lung-quiescent ... might approve;<br /> -A changing face, which e’en might Homer feign,<br /> -A ton of brass for every ounce of brain.<br /> -<br /> -“Then launch him forth, right cunningly to rage<br /> -Through the thin shams of this enlightened age;<br /> -To tell the people they are lords of earth,<br /> -And pick their pockets while he lauds their worth;<br /> -Drug men with folly, which no clime engrosses,<br /> -And sense deal out in homeopathic doses;<br /> -And making goodness to his projects bend,<br /> -With all right aims an ultra spirit blend.<br /> -<strong><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span></strong><br /> -“He leagues with those who number in their trade<br /> -A falsehood told for every sixpence made;<br /> -To Mammon mortgage all they have of heart,<br /> -To keep their wealth, with priceless honor part.<br /> -The fear of God the smallest of their fears,<br /> -Rolling in wealth, but bankrupt in ideas;<br /> -To save their purse, their souls contented lose,<br /> -And count all right, if worldly gain accrues;<br /> -Who, when they die, no memory leave behind,<br /> -But in the curses of their cheated kind!<br /> -<br /> -“With these Sir Humbug riches seeks to gain,<br /> -And feels his way through lab’rinths of chicane;<br /> -Embezzles, swindles, lies, until at last<br /> -The eye of Justice on his crime is cast,<br /> -When, drugged with wealth, he quits our plundered shore,<br /> -And Texas boasts one fiery hero more.”</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[Pg 343]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 330px; height: 500px;"><img src="images/img086.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE TUMOR DOCTOR CONTEMPLATES SUICIDE.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[Pg 344]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_345" id="Page_345">[Pg 345]</a></span>The worst specimen of a travelling doctor I ever knew first appeared at -R., one of the principal towns of Vermont, a few years ago. His name was -Mariam; or that was what he called himself. He was a Canadian by birth, -about twenty-five years of age, short, dark-complexioned, and claimed to -be the seventh son of somebody. He was very illiterate, not being able to -write a prescription, or his name, for that matter, when he came to R.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 228px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img087.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">MARIAM, THE TUMOR DOCTOR.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I visited his rooms at the hotel, after he had been in town some weeks, -and noticed, among other things, that his table was strewn with sheets of -paper, upon which he had been practising writing his signature. He opened -here boldly. He sent out thousands of circulars in the various trains of -cars running from R., distributing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_346" id="Page_346">[Pg 346]</a></span> them in person, on the Poor Richard’s -principle, that “if you want your work done, do it; if not, send.” He -inserted cards in the two village papers, containing the most illiterate -and preposterous statements, and hundreds flocked to see him. Imagine his -knowledge, for he assured me, to whom he opened his heart in confidence, -that he never read a page of a medical work in his life.</p> - -<p>He first claimed to cure by the laying on of hands; but as he possessed no -magnetic powers, he gradually abandoned that deception. As he could not -write a prescription, and knew nothing of compounding medicines, he would -go with a patient to a druggist’s, and looking over the names of drugs on -the bottles exposed on the shelves, order two or three articles at random, -and, as one druggist assured me, of the most opposite properties; such as -tincture of iron and iodide of potash, etc. (<span class="smcap">Note.</span> The acid in the M. -Tinct. iron sets the iodine free.)</p> - -<p>His clothes were very seedy, “and the crown of his hat went flip flap,” -and his toes were healthy, “being able to get out to the air,” when he -came to R. Soon he was “in luck,” and a nice suit of clothes, a new silk -hat, and boots, speedily graced his not inelegant person. I saw him both -before and after the transformation.</p> - -<p>The following is a true copy of one of his certificates, taken from his -circular:—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="center">“<span class="smcap">A Great Cure of an Ovarian Tumor!</span></p> - -<p>“This is to certify that Dr. Mariam cured me of an immense <i>ovarian -tumor of the left shoulder</i>, weighing five pounds and a half, from -which I suffered,” etc., etc.</p> - -<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">(Signed)<span class="spacer"> </span>Mrs. —— ——.</span></p> - -<p>“<span class="smcap">Malone, N. Y.</span>”</p></div> - -<p>On this item being ridiculed in the papers of R., Mariam changed it to a -“rose cancer,” and continued the certificate.</p> - -<p>Mariam had been practising in Malone, N. Y., also at Whitehall, where, I -was informed by a newspaper man, he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_347" id="Page_347">[Pg 347]</a></span> was arrested for obtaining money -under false pretences. He, however, escaped and fled, to practise his -deceptions elsewhere. It was reported that he shuffled off his mortal coil -by finally taking two ounces of laudanum, after the civil authorities had -placed him comfortably in the county jail, where he had the pleasure of -passing many days in viewing the world through an iron-barred window, and -reflecting on his eventful career.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Singing Doctor.</span></p> - -<p>In remarkable contrast with the above described ignoramus, we present the -following description, from two contributors, of an extraordinary -personage, known for a time as “The Singing Doctor.”</p> - -<p>The “Hoosac Valley News” tells this story:—</p> - -<p>“One day late in the autumn of 1860, while the rain poured in torrents, -and the wind howled fearfully along the hills of old Plymouth, I was -obliged to drive to Watertown. The ‘Branch’ was swollen to the river’s -size, and foamed madly down over the sombre rocks, while above my head, on -the other side of the road, the trees rocked and swayed, as though about -to fall into the seething, roaring waters below.</p> - -<p>“Above, or mingled with the clashing of the elements, I heard some voice, -as if singing. It struck me with wonder. I stopped to listen. It became -more distinct, as if approaching. What was it? Who could it be, singing -amid the fearful tempest?</p> - -<p>“In the midst of my surmising, the object of my wonder came in sight, -around a turn in the road just ahead of me.</p> - -<p>“It was the Singing Doctor, whom I instantly recognized by his little old -white horse, as well as by his own voice, to which I had before listened. -The little animal was drenched like a ‘drowned rat.’ The doctor, in his -open buggy, with no umbrella,—for the sweeping wind precluded the -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348">[Pg 348]</a></span>possibility of holding one,—and the driving rain pelting mercilessly -upon his face and head, was singing.</p> - -<p>“‘You must be a happy man,’ I exclaimed, ‘to be singing amid this awful -storm.’</p> - -<p>“‘Why not?’ he replied. ‘It is always better to be singing than sighing;’ -and we passed on through the dangerous defile, and separated....</p> - -<p>“Last summer, as I journeyed through the Green Mountain State on a -pleasure excursion, I met, on a romantic mountain pass, a magnificent -turnout,—a splendid top carriage, drawn by four beautiful, jet black -Morgan mares,—which did not attract my attention so much, however, as the -music within the carriage. It was the Singing Doctor again, with his two -little daughters, singing.</p> - -<p>“The handsome and good-natured driver offered me the best half of the -road; but still I lingered till the last notes of the song died away, when -I drove past the ‘Sanatorian,’ wondering to myself what singing had to do -with his increasing prosperity.”</p> - -<p>The remainder of the sketch is from the pen of a lady in Vermont:—</p> - -<p>“I think it was during the spring of 1867 that our little ‘city on the -lake’ was visited by the above remarkable character. We are often visited -by migratory physicians, who are usually of the ‘come-and-go’ order; but -this one burst upon us like a comet, with dazzling splendor, briefly -announced, but at once proclaimed his determination of returning with the -regularity of the full moon—repeating his visits every month. Few -believed his last arrangement could be carried out, as his predecessors -had generally fleeced the invalid public to their utmost at one visit, and -if they ever again appeared, it would be under another name and phase. It -soon became evident that one visit could not repay the outlay, for no -ready posting-board was large enough to hold the agent’s posters, which -were printed in strips some twenty-five feet in length, and his -advertisements occupied one, two, or more columns of the public journals, -while he flooded the houses with his pictorial circulars.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[Pg 349]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 397px;"><img src="images/img088.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE SINGING DOCTOR.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[Pg 350]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_351" id="Page_351">[Pg 351]</a></span>“He was merely announced as ‘The Sanatorian,’ but was indorsed (true or -false?) by some of New England’s most respectable people. He came in grand -style, as the papers briefly announced, thus:—</p> - -<p>“‘<i>The Sanatorian.</i> This distinguished physician proposes visiting us on -the 18th inst.... The doctor comes in great style.... He has the finest -carriage, and the gayest four black Morgan horses we have ever had the -pleasure of riding after.’</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img089.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE SANATORIAN’S TURNOUT.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“The driver, a handsome fellow, with full brown whiskers, curling hair, -and a ‘heavenly blue eye,’ had taken the editor and writer of this last -paragraph out to an airing. The team was photographed by the artists, and -many of the best citizens had the pleasure of a ride in the easy carriage, -and behind the swift ponies.</p> - -<p>“The doctor usually remained <i>incog.</i> to the public. If they wished to see -him, they must go to his ‘parlors’ at the best hotels. They did go. And -now the most remarkable part of the affair remains to be recorded. An -editor who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_352" id="Page_352">[Pg 352]</a></span> interviewed him reports thus: ‘The doctor rocks in a -rocking-chair,—in fact, never sits in anything else,—or arises and walks -the floor, and instantly, <i>at a glance</i>, tells every patient each pain and -ache better than the patient could describe them himself. ‘Are you a -clairvoyant?’ the editor asked.</p> - -<p>“‘<i>Faugh! No, sir.</i> Clairvoyancy is a humbug; merely power of mind over -mind. A clairvoyant can go no farther than your <i>own</i> knowledge leads him, -unless he guesses the rest,’ was his emphatic reply.</p> - -<p>“The same patients, disguised, visited him twice, but he would tell the -same story to them as before. His diagnosis was truly wonderful.</p> - -<p>“‘What is your mode of treatment, or what school do you represent?’</p> - -<p>“‘There hangs my “school,”’ he would reply, pointing to a New York college -diploma. ‘That, however, cures nobody. What cures one patient kills -another. My opathy is to cure my patient by <i>any means</i>, regardless of -“schools.”’</p> - -<p>“To some he gave ‘nothing but water,’ the patients affirmed; to others, -pills, powders, syrups, or prescriptions. Well, he came the next month, to -our surprise, and to the joy of most of his patients. He did the greatest -amount of advertising on the first visit, doing less and less puffing each -time. The rich, as well as the poor, visited him. He charged all one -dollar. Then, if they declined treatment, he was satisfied; but if they -doubted, or were sceptical, he refused all prescription. He advertised -quite as much by telling one man he was past all help, and would die in -eight weeks, which he did, as by curing the mayor of the city of a cough -that jeoparded his life. If a poor woman had no money, he treated her just -as cheerfully. Men he would not. His cures are said to have been -remarkable. He made some eleven visits, and his patrons increased at each -visit; but the novelty wore off before he disappeared. He<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_353" id="Page_353">[Pg 353]</a></span> was said to be -an excellent musician, an author and composer, a man who was well read (a -physician here who often conversed with him so informed the writer), could -translate Latin and French, and converse with the mutes. When the day -closed, he would see no more patients, but devoted his time to friends, to -writing, or to music. Often the hotel parlor would be thronged at evening -with the musical portion of the community. In personal appearance he was -nothing remarkable,—medium size, wore full beard, had a sharp black eye, -a quick, nervous movement, and his voice was not unpleasing to the ear.</p> - -<p>“Why he—such a man—should travel, no one knew. He had an object, -doubtless, to accomplish, realized it, and retired upon his true name, and -from whence he came.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Youran, the Spanker.</span>”</p> - -<p>The writer has many times seen a fellow who travelled the country, -nicknamed “the Spanker.” He was a tall, lean, lank-looking Yankee, with -red hair and whiskers, a light gray eye, and claimed to cure all diseases -by “spatting” the patient, or the diseased part thereof, with cold water -on his bare palm, the use of a battery, and a pill. He had served as -door-keeper to a famous doctor, who created a <i>furore</i>, a few years since, -by the exercise of his magnetic powers, making cripples to throw down -their crutches, and walk off; the deaf to hear, the blind to see; or, at -least, many of them <i>thought</i> they did, for the time being, which answered -the doctor’s immediate purpose. But one fine morning the magnetic doctor -found his door-keeper was among the “missing.” He had learned the trade, -and set up on his own account.</p> - -<p>This fellow was as ignorant of physic as Jack Reynolds was of Scripture. -Reynolds, who killed Townsend in 1870, when under sentence of death, -listened attentively for the first time to the story of the Saviour’s -crucifixion in atonement<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354">[Pg 354]</a></span> for our sins, when he rather startled the -visitors, as well as the eminent divine, with the inquiry, “Did that -affair happen lately?”</p> - -<p>He was not, it is evident, conversant with Scripture. “The Spanker” was -not read in medicine. His treatment was the most ridiculous and repulsive -of the absurdities of the nineteenth century. The patient was stripped of -his clothes, and often so severely spanked as to compel him, or her, to -cry out with pain.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img090.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A NEW SCHOOL OF PRACTICE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The beautiful young wife of the Rev. Mr. F., of Vermont, was brought to -the writer for medical advice. The patient was carefully examined, and the -minister taken aside, and assured that the lady was past all help; she was -in the last stages of consumption; that she would, in all probability, die -with the falling of the autumn leaves, or within two months.</p> - -<p>The following day the minister carried the patient to the spanker doctor, -who declared her case quite curable. The minister employed him to treat -the patient.</p> - -<p>A few weeks later I saw the minister, seated on the doorstep<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355">[Pg 355]</a></span> of his -house, bowed in grief. He was on the lookout for me, as I was expected -that way. He called to me, and asked if I would view the corpse of his -once beautiful wife. I dismounted, and entered the house of mourning. -There lay the poor, fair young face, within the narrow confines of the -coffin. The cheeks were hollow, the eyes sunken, and the nostrils closed, -and I doubt if any air had passed through the left one for -weeks—pathognomonic indications of that fell disease, consumption.</p> - -<p>“She did not live as long, doctor, as you thought she would, in August,” -said Mr. F.</p> - -<p>“No, sir: I did not then make allowance for the harsh treatment of Dr. -——, that, I am advised, soon followed.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 330px;"><img src="images/img091.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A VICTIM OF THE SPANKER.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“O, sir,” he exclaimed, in agony of soul, while the tears coursed freely -down his cheeks, and fell upon the coffin,—“O, sir, God only knows what -the poor thing suffered.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_356" id="Page_356">[Pg 356]</a></span> Dr. Youran said the spatting and cold water -treatment would save her, and I was anxious to try it, and did, till the -poor, dear soul begged us, with tearful eyes, not to punish her further, -but to let her die in peace.”</p> - -<p>The ignorant scoundrel is still at large, preying upon the invalid public. -It is a burning shame that the laxity of our laws permits such ignorant, -heartless wretches to go about the country, imposing upon the credulity of -invalidity.</p> - -<p>The invalids, as we said in our opening, expect to be humbugged, and will -believe no honest statement of a case and its probabilities, but will too -often swallow the lies and braggadocio, and finally the prescriptions, of -ignorant charlatans and impostors.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 194px;"><img src="images/img092.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">DR. PULSFEEL LEAVING TOWN.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Mr. Jeaffreson, in the “Book about Doctors,” before often quoted, says of -the English travelling doctor of the last century,—</p> - -<p>“When Dr. Pulsfeel was tired of London, or felt the want of country air, -he adopted the pleasant occupation of fleecing rustic simplicity. For his -journeys he provided himself with a stout and fast-trotting hack—stout, -that it might bear weighty parcels of medical composition; fast, that in -case the ungrateful rabble should commit the indecorum of stoning their -benefactor as an impostor,—a mishap that would occasionally -occur,—escape might be effected.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[Pg 357]</a></span>“In his circuit the doctor took in all the fairs, markets, wakes, and -public festivals, not disdaining to stop an entire week, or even month, at -an assize town, where he found the sick anxious to benefit by his -marvellous wisdom.</p> - -<p>“His manner of making himself known in a new place was to ride boldly into -the thickest crowd of a town, and inform his listeners that he had come -straight from the Duke of So-and-so, or the Emperor of Wallachia, out of -an innate desire to do good to his fellow-creatures. He was born in that -very town. He had left it when an orphan boy, to seek his fortune in the -great world. His adventures had been wonderful. He had visited the Sultan -and the Great Mogul; and the King of Mesopotamia had tried to persuade him -to tarry and keep the Mesopotamians out of the devil’s clutches by the -offer of a thousand pieces of gold a month. He had cured thousands of -emperors, kings, queens, princes, grand duchesses, and generalissimos. He -sold all kinds of medicaments—dyes for the hair, washes for the -complexion, lotions, rings, and love charms, powders to stay the palsy, -fevers, croup, and jaundice. His powder was expensive; he couldn’t help -that; it was made of pearl-dust and dried violet leaves from the middle of -Tartary. Still, he would sell his friends a package at bare cost,—one -crown,—as he did not want to make money out of them.</p> - -<p>“Nothing could surpass the impudence of the fellow’s lies, save the -admiration with which his credulous auditors swallowed his assertions. -There they stood—stout yeomen, drunken squires, gay peasant girls, gawky -hinds and gabbling crones, deeming themselves in luck to have lived to -behold such a miracle of wisdom. Possibly a young student, home from -Oxford, with the rashness of inexperience, would smile scornfully, and cry -out, ‘Quack!’ (quack-salver, from the article he used to cure wens); but -such interruption was usually frowned down by the orthodox friends of the -student, and he was warned that he would come to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[Pg 358]</a></span> no good end, if he went -on as he had begun, a contemptuous unbeliever, and a mocker of wise men.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Musical Doctor.</span></p> - -<p>Mr. Dayton, vocalist, told me of a fellow who cut a swell in various -capacities a few years ago. He first knew him as a fiddler at fairs. The -next time he turned up was under the following circumstances:—</p> - -<p>“With Madam L. and some other renowned vocalist, he was giving concerts, -when one day their pianist was taken suddenly sick. Madam was in great -trepidation.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img093.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE MUSICAL DOCTOR.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“‘What shall I do? The concert cannot be postponed, and we cannot sing -unless we have an accompaniment,’ exclaimed the lady.</p> - -<p>“I looked about, made some inquiry,—it was in a small town,—but no -competent piano player could be found.</p> - -<p>“‘We must abandon the concert,’ I said, which seemed inevitable, when -there came a sharp knock at the door.</p> - -<p>“‘Come in,’ I called.</p> - -<p>“The door opened, and instead of a servant, as I had expected, there -appeared a tall, stout specimen of the <i>genus homo</i>, with large black -eyes, and long, dark hair flowing down on to his shoulders, making his -best bow, and what he doubtless intended as his sweetest smile.</p> - -<p>“I offered him a chair, and inquired how I could serve him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[Pg 359]</a></span>“‘You want a piano player?’</p> - -<p>“‘Yes.’</p> - -<p>“‘Well, I will undertake to assist you in your strait. Allow me to see -your programme,’ he continued, very patronizingly, waiting for us to make -no reply whatever.</p> - -<p>“‘Are you—that is, do you play rapidly, and at sight?’ asked madam.</p> - -<p>“He replied only by a gesture, a sort of pitiful contempt for the -ignorance of any person who should ask <i>him</i> such a question....</p> - -<p>“Half past seven came, and we went on the stage. I do not know what the -fellow’s prelude was; I was otherwise engaged; but his accompaniments were -made up, and after he had heard the note sung to which he should have -accompanied,—O, it was a horrid jargon, a consecutive blast of discords, -a tempest of incomprehensibleness.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 342px;"><img src="images/img094.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">ENTHUSIASM.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Madam caught her breath at the first pausing-place, and signalled him to -stop. He took a side glance at her, misinterpreted her, and played on the -louder. It became ludicrous in the extreme. He played the minor strains, -or what should have been minor, in the major key. He only stopped when he -saw us leave the stage. The audience cheered. He took it all as a -compliment to himself as a pianist, stopped, and made his most profound -obeisance to the house. They laughed and cheered the harder. He mistook it -for an <i>encore</i>, bowed again, and returned to the piano. Then the house -came down. They stamped,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[Pg 360]</a></span> they laughed, they shouted. The boys in the -gallery cat-called; the building fairly shook. I ran back to see what it -was all about, and there was the pianist (?) beating furiously at the -keys, the perspiration pouring in streams from his face. But his playing -could only be <i>seen</i> to be appreciated; it could not be heard for the -stamping of the audience. He finally desisted, and with repeated halts and -smiles, he bowed himself off the stage.</p> - -<p>“His grand <i>debut</i> and retirement upon the stage occurred the same night. -Madam would not permit him to go on again, and we sang the duets from —— -without accompaniment. I think the fellow knew nothing of music; he had -‘cheeked’ it right through.</p> - -<p>“Perhaps it was two years afterwards—I was staying at the B. Hotel, -Maine—when I heard a deal of talk about a great doctor then in town. -After dinner the first day, I noticed a man sauntering leisurely from the -dining-hall in embroidered slippers, white silk stockings, black pants, -gaudy dressing-gown, with long hair falling down over his shoulders. I -thought I recognized that face. I approached him after a while, and called -him by name.</p> - -<p>“‘What? Why, I think you are mistaken. I do not know you, sir,’ he -stammered; and then I knew he had recognized me.</p> - -<p>“‘O, yes; I am Dayton. You remember you were our pianist once in a strait, -in S.’</p> - -<p>“‘O, ah! Come up to my room,’ he said, leading the way.</p> - -<p>“I followed, when he told me he was doing a good thing at the practice of -medicine about the principal towns of the state, and begged I would say -nothing about his former occupation. He stated to me that he had been to -Europe, and had been studying medicine meantime, which I have since -ascertained was entirely untrue.”</p> - -<p>And this was the fellow over whom the town was running wild.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[Pg 361]</a></span>The idea of some men trying to become good physicians is as ridiculously -absurd as Horace Greeley’s farming, or trying to ascertain if “cundurango -is explosive.” The requisite qualities are not in them. They may keep -along a few years, or possibly, in communities where there is no -competition, succeed in making the people believe they are as good as the -common run, and thus succeed on brass instead of brains.</p> - -<p>Some of these brainless travelling impostors employ a female or two to -precede them from place to place, and make diligent inquiry when the great -doctor who performed such marvellous cures in some adjoining town -mentioned was coming there. Thus putting it in the shape of an inquiry, it -was less likely to excite suspicion.</p> - -<p>Two females—one an elderly, lady-like looking woman, the other younger, -and anything but lady-like—travelled for a doctor, on a salary, during -the summer and autumn of 1868. A lady whose occupation took her from town -to town, seeing the two females at various hotels where the doctor was -advertised, inveigled the younger one into the confession, in her bad -temper, and thus I got my evidence. Another travels on his hair; another -on his face; and a fourth on his free advice and treatment; while a fifth -succeeds by absurdity of dress.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img095.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[Pg 362]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XIV" id="XIV"></a>XIV.</h2> -<p class="title">SCENES FROM EVERY-DAY PRACTICE.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>“History, so warm on meaner themes,<br /> -Is cold on this.”—<span class="smcap">Cowper’s Task.</span><br /> -<br /> -“Let no one say that his task is o’er,<br /> -That bonds of earth are for him no more,<br /> -Until by some kind or holy deed<br /> -His name from forgetfulness is freed;<br /> -Until by words from his lips or pen,<br /> -Dying, he’s ‘missed’ from the ranks of men.”<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 14em;"><span class="smcap">Alice Lee.</span></span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>THE BEGGAR BOY AND THE GOLDEN-HAIRED HEIRESS.—MY MIDNIGHT CALL.—THE -CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN MOTHER.—“OLD SEROSITY.”—THE ILLEGITIMATE -CHILD.—DEATH OF THE BEAUTIFUL.—WHO IS THE HEIR?—A TOUCHING -SCENE.—FATE OF THE “BEGGAR BOY.”—THE TERRIBLE CALLER.—AN IRISH -SCENE, FROM DR. DIXON’S BOOK.—BIDDY ON A RAMPAGE.—TERRY ON HIS DEATH -BED.—THE STOMACH PUMP.—BIDDY WON’T, AND SHE WILL.—THE BETRAYED AND -HER BETRAYER.—“IS THERE A GOD IN ISRAEL?”—THE HUSBANDLESS -MOTHER.—THE CRISIS AND COURT.—ANSWER.—THERE IS A “GOD IN ISRAEL.”</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>Ill-clad poverty, benumbed with cold, was abroad alone, exposed to that -winter’s night, as the white snow fleeced the frost-hardened ground. But -never mind earth’s cold bosom. The rich man’s heart warms <i>him</i>, making -him merry, however blows the wind or rages the storm. Shiver, shiver on, -beggar poor! Starvation and sense-dulling cold alone belong to you.</p> - -<p>Through the crunching snow-drifts trudged a weary boy, with alms-basket on -his shivering arm. From his figure, he seemed not over ten years old; but -his face was so wan and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[Pg 363]</a></span> melancholy, that it was difficult to tell how -many year-blights the beggar child had experienced. Summer clothes were -still clinging to him; a tattered comforter was the only winter article he -wore.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 386px;"><img src="images/img096.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">CHARITY THROWN AWAY.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>A gay carriage rolled noiselessly by, with a beautiful girl within, well -wrapped in fur and cloak, whilst the snow was dashed from the rapid wheels -like white dust. She saw, through the dim light, the weary, thin-clad boy, -as he stopped, with face bent aside to the flake-burdened blast, to gaze -at the smoking horses, as they plunged through the fast-deepening sheet. -She dropped the sash, and threw the boy a coin. It sank from her warm hand -deep into the drifted snow. It might have brought him bread and a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_364" id="Page_364">[Pg 364]</a></span> -cheering fagot, but the smitten child never found it. The snow closed over -the coveted prize, while the blast grew keener.</p> - -<p>On, on toiled the beggar boy, through drift and darkness, more weary as -night gathered on. Thus is it ever with the humble poor; their load grows -heavier as life lessens. No light or warming hearth is there—things that -make house a home—to welcome the wandering boy.</p> - -<p>The clock had just struck two as I was summoned to the house of Mrs. T. -The same carriage that, in the evening, had borne the beautiful young -girl, awaited at my door, with its impatient horses snorting against the -frosted air. A few minutes later I entered the house. Mrs. T. met me in -the hall, with her face deadly pale, and manner much excited. Her singular -nervousness had before struck me on my visits, whenever her daughter -ailed. She informed me that her “darling Emily” was very ill with a high -fever.</p> - -<p>We entered the chamber. The young girl lay with her head turned aside upon -the pillow, her golden-brown hair scattered in wild profusion upon its -white cover, while the nurse was gently moistening the fevered palm of her -outstretched hand. The pulse was beating wildly at the wrist and temples, -and fever heat glowed from her lustrous eyes. Whilst the nurse held the -light to her face, the traces of dried tears were revealed upon her -suffused cheeks.</p> - -<p>“Heartache surely is here,” I said to myself.</p> - -<p>There was something in the whole appearance of my patient that excited my -curiosity and surprise. Only eight or ten hours had passed since she, from -her carriage, had thrown the snow-claimed alms to the beggar boy, and -<i>now</i> a high fever was running hot through every artery of her body.</p> - -<p>Silently seated by the bedside, after administering a cooling draught I -awaited and watched for the changes that might ensue. Her mother sat near -the fire, its blaze lighting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365">[Pg 365]</a></span> up every feature of her once beautiful face, -which still remained very pale. In all my intercourse with Mrs. T., I -never before had so prolonged an opportunity of examining in detail the -expression of her countenance. The longer I gazed on her, the more -satisfied I became that she had not passed through life without a fearful -history.</p> - -<p>It was this sensation which struck me when I first became acquainted with -her. A few vague rumors had floated about relative to her history; that a -strange desertion of her husband had taken place, and that he afterwards -was found drowned in the river, near his residence, and that by his death -Mrs. T. had become possessed of an immense estate. These stories had, -however, soon subsided; and as her means were ample, and her charities -liberal, the gossips of the town quietly dropped the past, and speculated -upon the future, as should all respectable gossips.</p> - -<p>The voice of the patient diverted my thoughts; a few words were murmured, -and then the lips pressed tremblingly together, and the tear-drops again -started to her cheeks. Suddenly springing up in bed, and threading her -long, curling hair through her slender fingers, she exclaimed, in a -thrilling, delirious tone,—</p> - -<p>“It cannot be true! O, mother—tell me, mother!”</p> - -<p>Mrs. T. fairly leaped to the bedside, and placing her hand over the -daughter’s mouth, with affrighted gestures, she exclaimed,—</p> - -<p>“What is it? What does she mean? My God, doctor, she raves!”</p> - -<p>The girl fell back on her pillow; the mother stood, pale and trembling, by -the bedside, with a nameless terror depicted on every feature. Turning to -me, in a quick, restless voice, she bade me hasten to give her child a -quieting draught.</p> - -<p>“O, anything that will keep her from raving!”</p> - -<p>The room was not over warm for such a bitter night,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_366" id="Page_366">[Pg 366]</a></span> yet the perspiration -stood upon the brow of the excited mother like the fallen dew.</p> - -<p>“Conscience must lie here,” I thought to myself.</p> - -<p>In the course of an hour the sufferer slumbered heavily; her breathing was -hurried and oppressed, the fever had increased, and her moanings were -constant.</p> - -<p>Day was breaking, as I left my young patient to return home through the -falling snow. As I looked out of the carriage window, I saw a little boy -sitting on the cold walk. It was the poor beggar boy of yesterday, as -thinly clad, with his pale cheek as white as the snowdrifts through which -he had toiled. I ordered the coachman to stop.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img097.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE BEGGAR BOY.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“What brought you out, and where are you going, on this cold winter -morning, my poor boy?” I exclaimed.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367">[Pg 367]</a></span>He raised his beautiful dark eyes to my face, and my heart grieved at -their look of utter hopelessness, as he faintly answered, “To beg for me -and old grandma.”</p> - -<p>“Are you not very cold, in those thin clothes?” I asked.</p> - -<p>His little teeth chattered, as he replied, “O, I am very—cold—sir.”</p> - -<p>The impatient horses plunged violently in the traces, and the coachman -asked to be allowed to drive on. I gave the poor boy the few silver coins -that were in my pocket, and we passed on.</p> - -<p>I never saw that boy but once again; his look haunts me to this day.</p> - -<p>As I rode on, memory was busy tracing where I had ever seen features like -his. The dark hair, that lay in uncombed curls upon his forehead, and -clustered warmly about his neck, as though in protection against the -bitter cold; his large, black eyes, with their long lashes; the -finely-chiselled outlines of his mouth and nose,—these all impressed me -that I had somewhere seen a face which strikingly resembled his. Poor boy! -beauty was his only possession.</p> - -<p>At breakfast a letter was handed me, summoning me immediately to one of my -own children, who lay sick in a distant town. Before leaving I wrote a -hurried note to Mrs. T., stating the cause of my sudden departure, -desiring her to call another physician, during my absence. The young -girl’s fate and the poor beggar boy’s face were almost forgotten in my own -cares.</p> - -<p>On the sixth day following, I again found myself at home. My first thought -was for poor Emily. I dreaded to ask; there was something whispering to my -heart that all was not well.</p> - -<p>My suspense was not long; a messenger had just left, stating that the dear -girl was fast failing; that her physician had pronounced her laboring -under typhus fever. My<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_368" id="Page_368">[Pg 368]</a></span> God, how my heart sank under these words! I had -dreaded this mistake after I left. Alas! how many have fallen by the name -of a disease, and not by the disease itself!</p> - -<p>After a hurried meal, I drove rapidly to Mr. T.’s residence. The house -door was quietly opened by a servant, and in another minute I stood in the -chamber of the invalid. The mantel was crowded with numerous vials. The -close atmosphere of the sick-room was sickening. By the bedside, with her -face bowed over one of the pale hands of the daughter, which she held in -both of her own, sat the wretched mother. It seemed to me as though ten -years had passed over her faded and care-worn countenance, since I last -gazed upon it. I could not stir; my heart stood still. <i>Her hair had -become entirely gray.</i></p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 324px;"><img src="images/img098.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">REMORSE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I gained heart to approach; the desolate mother heard me, and turning -quickly she sprang from her chair, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_369" id="Page_369">[Pg 369]</a></span> placing her hands on my shoulders, -she bowed her head: she sobbed wildly, as though her heart would break.</p> - -<p>“Look, look, doctor! Would you have known her? O, my God, she is leaving -me! Save her—O, save her!” and the wretched mother fell fainting to the -floor. We gently raised and bore her to her own chamber. In a few moments -I returned to Emily. She turned her head languidly towards me, while her -right hand moved as if to take mine. How dry was the palm! Her color had -faded away; the once rounded cheeks were sunken. O, I will not describe -her!</p> - -<p>The physician who had been called, after my departure, had found her with -high fever and delirium. He mistook the excitement of the brain for its -inflammation. O, fatal error! A consultation was called. The second comer -was notedly a man who viewed every excitement as caused by “an over-action -of the vessels,” and bleeding was its only relief. The nervous system he -entirely ignored. From his theory, man was a mere combination of blood, -blood-vessels, and biliary secretions, more or less deranged. Calomel, -salts, and the lancet were his Hercules. The grand <i>causa mortis</i> amongst -the human family was “serosity.” Hence some evil-minded wag amongst his -brethren had named him “Old Serosity.”</p> - -<p>The poor child had been bled, cupped, and purged, in order to subdue this -“over-action of the blood-vessels.” Verily it may cure the vessels, but it -certainly kills the patient.</p> - -<p>The life current was nigh exhausted; there was no blood left for renewal -of brain, nerve, or vital tissue. My heart was bitter against this -murderous adherence to a false principle. Here a human life, that of a -young and spotless girl, was the forfeit.</p> - -<p>But to return to the thread of the narrative.</p> - -<p>“O, I am glad you have come back to me. Do try to save me, doctor,” she -said, with great effort. Sending the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_370" id="Page_370">[Pg 370]</a></span> nurse from the room, I quickly -pressed the young girl’s hand within my own, and said to her,—</p> - -<p>“Do you really wish to live, Emily?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, yes,” she murmured; “I am very young to die.”</p> - -<p>“Then, my dear, tell me truly what has so terribly shocked your nervous -system; tell me.” With a strength that startled me, she searched under the -mattress side, and drew forth a small note, which she silently placed in -my hand. It was discolored by time. I opened it; the date was above twelve -years back. It ran thus:—</p> - -<p>“When you receive this, Mira (Mrs. T.’s given name), my career will have -ended. By my death you will inherit all. Let my unborn child have its -just, legal claim. Your child, Emily, take to your home as though she were -an adopted orphan. Let not her youth be blighted by the knowledge of her -unblest birth. I forgive you. Adieu, forever. H. T.”</p> - -<p>“O my God, the doomed child is illegitimate,” I said. I stooped down and -kissed the sufferer’s forehead, and promised that I would be a father to -her. “Come, cheer up,” I whispered, “for your mother’s sake. If she has -sinned she has suffered much for your sake; forgive her.”</p> - -<p>“I do forgive her,” she whispered, “but can I forget myself, unblessed as -I am? But I must know the whole truth. O, where is the right heir of all -this wealth? My memory returns now, indistinctly, to my earlier days. A -cloud intervenes. I remember but a small cottage, in a deep wood, where -mother often came to see me, and a tall woman took care of me. Then came a -gay carriage, and took me to a large house; but I never again returned to -the cottage in the wood. There, at the large house, mother left me a long -time; and when she came back—O, doctor, I can speak no longer. Do give me -something to strengthen me, and I will try yet to live.”</p> - -<p>A cordial was administered by my own hands, and in a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_371" id="Page_371">[Pg 371]</a></span> short time sleep -overcame her. Night again closed in; the wind had sunk to rest with the -setting sun. Another night of bitter cold was ushered in. Woe to the poor! -Woe to the hungry and the fireless.</p> - -<p class="center"><strong><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span></strong></p> - -<p>As I entered the mother’s apartments I found her sitting by a private -secretary, which had been brought from the library. Its lid was open, and -as I seated myself she took from a package of tied letters a sealed paper, -and placing it in my hands, said,—</p> - -<p>“Read this at your leisure, doctor. My pilgrimage of life is nigh ended. -You will judge how great my sin, and how severe has been my punishment. I -ask no forgiveness, <i>for there will be none left to forgive me</i>.”</p> - -<p>Well, I knew her heart was nigh crushed!</p> - -<p>I sought the daughter’s chamber. How still was everything! The very -candle, with its long flame, parted by the thickened wick-char, seemed not -to flicker, as it burned dimly on. I looked at the bed; the sweet girl lay -with both hands crossed upon her bosom, as though in prayer. An -orange-blossom had dropped from her grasp, and lay neglected by her side; -her life-hand never touched it more! Death had claimed his bride!</p> - -<p>A wild shriek sounded through the house. The erring mother now knew that -she was alone in the great world.</p> - -<p>Whilst the shrouding of the dead took place I retired and opened the -sealed package. It briefly told its tale of sin and sorrow.</p> - -<p>It told how from the first love Emily was the fruit, and how, unknown to -all, the child had been secreted; how, about three years after Emily’s -birth, the mother was married to Harold T., whom <i>she never loved</i>; and -how, by a singular accident, the knowledge of her transgression became -known to her husband; that, after violently cursing her for her sin and -deception, he left her, and shortly afterwards <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_372" id="Page_372">[Pg 372]</a></span>committed suicide; that -the letter (written by him just before his death), which was so fatal to -the peace and life of Emily, had accidentally dropped from the secretary, -and was picked up by her (that night after her return in the carriage), -unknown to the mother until the sixth day after my return, when she missed -it.</p> - -<p>The narrative went on to state that a male child was born after T.’s -death, and that, seized with an insane fury, she resolved that he never -should inherit its father’s name and wealth; and that, through the -assistance of a nurse, it was placed with a sum of money at a beggar’s -door, and a dead child laid beside the mother instead; that before sending -the infant away, the nurse tattooed its father’s initials on its left arm. -The beggar had died, and all traces of the child had been lost. At length -her guilty conscience so reproached her that the mother had instituted -search for the child, but all in vain.</p> - -<p>As I read this tale of crime and repentance, busy memory traced out the -features of the <i>beggar boy</i>! Like a sudden light it burst upon me—those -features that had so tormented my memory to recall were those of the -unhappy mother.</p> - -<p>Quickly I went to her room. She was not there. I hastened to Emily’s. The -mother was wildly clasping the enshrouded form of her daughter, and -weeping as though her heart would break asunder. Gently removing her to -her own chamber, I intimated that another child, long lost, might yet be -restored to her.</p> - -<p>She listened as one bewildered. I then informed her of my adventure with -the beggar boy.</p> - -<p>It was hardly day-dawn as I entered the carriage. My breath froze against -the window panes. After a short ride the horses stopped before the -wretched snow-covered hovel (where he had seen the beggar child once -enter). I opened the carriage door, leaped out, and placed my hand on the -latch. The door opened. It was neither bolted nor locked;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_373" id="Page_373">[Pg 373]</a></span> for no thief -would enter there. In the corner of the room lay a bundle of rugs, with -some straw, but it was unoccupied. Near the fireplace, where nought but a -little well-charred bark remained upon the cold ashes, half reclining in a -large wooden chair, lay the beggar boy.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img099.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE LOST HEIR.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>His cap had fallen on the ground, and his dark, curling hair fell -clustering over his extended arm, as his head rested upon it. He had -seemingly fallen asleep the night before, for his thin summer clothes were -on his person, and his basket, yet filled with the fragments of broken -feasts, remained <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_374" id="Page_374">[Pg 374]</a></span>untouched at his feet. I placed my hand upon his -beautiful head; it was icy cold. Quickly brushing back the fallen ringlets -from his face, the unmistakable evidence of death met my gaze.</p> - -<p>He had apparently fallen asleep weeping, for a tear-drop lay frozen -between the long lashes that fringed the eyelids.</p> - -<p>I raised the stiffened body of the ill-fated youth, and tearing away the -thin sleeve from his left arm, I distinctly discovered the letters ‘H. T.’ -thereon.</p> - -<p>Deserted, famished, and frozen, death had claimed the darling, lone boy -before he knew a mother’s love!</p> - -<p>This sad tale is taken from “<i>Scenes in Northern Practice by Dr. Dewees</i>, -N. Y.”—<i>Scalpel</i>, 1855. (And like all the stories herein, it has the -merit of being true to the letter.)</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Terrible Caller.</span></p> - -<p>It was about half past nine in the morning.</p> - -<p>My office door suddenly opened, and looking up from my writing, I saw, -standing in the passage-way, a very tall man, in a long white frock, -reaching to his knees, sleeves rolled to his elbows, a slouched hat set -back on his head, his face painted or bedaubed with some white substance, -and his eyes gleaming upon me most intensely!</p> - -<p>There he stood, looking almost fiercely upon me, while he held the -door-knob with his left hand, and grasped with his right a long -carving-knife, which was thrust through his belt.</p> - -<p>“Are you the doctor?” he shouted with excitement.</p> - -<p>“I am the doctor,” I replied, calmly awaiting my fate.</p> - -<p>He instantly stepped inside the room, when close behind him was revealed -the form of a very short man, who held a Kossuth hat in one hand, while -with a handkerchief in the other, he stanched the blood that had evidently -been flowing pretty freely from his head.</p> - -<p>“This man has cut himself very bad on the head; big<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_375" id="Page_375">[Pg 375]</a></span> iron wheel come down -on him: can you fix him up?” asked the first. This accounted for his -excited manner. But how about the bedaubed face and the huge knife?</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 333px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img100.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A MORNING CALLER.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I examined the wound, only through the scalp, less than three inches in -length; and washing away the surplus clotted blood, I clipped off the -hair, and soon secured the edges of the gaping wound by taking a stitch or -two through the scalp.</p> - -<p>While so doing, the young man rolled his eyes up to his tall -companion,—who had explained that they were cooks at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_376" id="Page_376">[Pg 376]</a></span> Young’s Hotel, and -that the spit wheel and shaft used for turning meat had fallen eight feet; -by which the assistant had barely escaped being killed,—and with a -commendable show of thought for his employer’s interest, rather than his -own comfort or safety, he anxiously exclaimed,—</p> - -<p>“Jim, do you think that gentleman’s ‘order,’ what I had in the spit, is -overdone yet?”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">An Irish Scene.</span></p> - -<p>A young Irish girl, with a wild shriek, an “Och, hone!” and “Ah, murther!” -and “Hulla-boo—a—hulla-boo, poor Terry! Ah, why did I taze ye?” burst -into my office one evening, upsetting the servant, and actually laying -hold on me with her hands, as she exclaimed,—</p> - -<p>“Ah, docther, docther, come now, for the love o’ the moother that bore ye; -come this blessed minute. I’ve killed poor Terry, an’ niver shall see him -again. Ah, murther, murther! Why did I taze ye?”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 265px;"><img src="images/img101.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“WHY DID I TAZE YE?”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Trying in vain to calm her, I hastily drew on my boots, and almost ran -after her to a wretched tenement, some quarter<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_377" id="Page_377">[Pg 377]</a></span> of a mile off, and found -the object of the girl’s solicitude alive and kicking, with his lungs in -the best of order, standing on the stairs that led to his miserable -chamber, with a broken scissors in his hand, stirring busily the contents -of a tea-cup.</p> - -<p>It seems that he had been courting my fair guide, and after the period she -had fixed for her final answer to his declaration, she had bantered him -with a refusal, which her solicitude for his life plainly showed was far -enough from her real intentions.</p> - -<p>In his despair he had swallowed an ounce of laudanum, which he had -procured from some injudicious druggist, which act had sent Biddy off -after me in such terror. He was now mixing a powder which he had obtained -from another druggist, who, knowing of his love affair, it will be seen -acted with more wisdom than the first, as Terry let slip enough in his -hearing to show what he wanted to do with the “ratsbane” for which he -inquired; and Biddy, like a true daughter of Eve, had made no secret in -the neighborhood that she valued her charms beyond the poor fellow’s bid.</p> - -<p>As soon as she approached, he, by some inopportune remark, re-excited her -wrath, and she again declared she wouldn’t have him, “if he wint to the -divil.”</p> - -<p>Poor Terry, in his red shirt and blue stockings, and an attitude of the -grandest kind, but covering, as we soon found, a desperate purpose, -flourished his tea-cup, and stirred its contents with the scissors, -constantly exclaiming,—</p> - -<p>“Ah, Biddy, will ye have me? Ye’ll have me now—will ye not?”</p> - -<p>Still Biddy refused.</p> - -<p>“Divil a bit will I let the docther come near me till ye say yis! Sure, -weren’t we children together in the ould counthry? and didn’t we take our -potaties and butthermilk out o’ the same bowl? And yer mother, that’s now -dead,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_378" id="Page_378">[Pg 378]</a></span> always said ye were to be me wife; and now ye’re kapin’ coompany -with that dirty blackguard, Jim O’Connor,—divil take him for a spalpeen. -Ah, Biddy, will ye have me?”</p> - -<p>And he flourished the cup, and stirred away vigorously with the scissors.</p> - -<p>Biddy’s blood was up at the disrespectful mention made of Jimmy’s name, -for “he had a winnin’ way wid him,” and she shouted at the top of her -voice,—</p> - -<p>“No, be the St. Patrick, I’ll niver have ye.”</p> - -<p>With an awful gulp, Terry drained the cup, rolled up his eyes, and with -one most impassioned yet ludicrous look at her, he fell upon his knees on -the step.</p> - -<p>Biddy followed, in strong hysterics.</p> - -<p>The whole affair was so irresistibly ludicrous that I scarce could keep -from laughing; but on observing the bottle, labelled “laudanum,” and -looking into the bottom of the tea-cup, and discovering a white powder, I -changed my prognosis, and hastened to the druggist’s near, to see what it -was, and procure an antidote, should it really prove “ratsbane.”</p> - -<p>To my great relief, the man of drugs informed me, laughingly, that he had -given Terry a quantity of chalk and <i>eight grains of tartar emetic</i>, as he -learned that Terry was already in possession of the ounce of laudanum, and -all the neighbors knew that Biddy had driven him to desperation by -flirting with his rival, Jim O’Connor. The young man had judiciously told -Terry that the powder would make the laudanum sure to operate more -effectually.</p> - -<p>“How long will it take?” he asked, and bagged all for use when the refusal -should come.</p> - -<p>My course was now clear. I was in for sport. Sending the druggist’s clerk -for my stomach-pump, to be in readiness in case the emetic should not -operate,—which was scarcely impossible, for eight grains of tartar -emetic, taken at a dose, would almost vomit the potatoes out of a bag,—I -waited the result.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_379" id="Page_379">[Pg 379]</a></span>As for Biddy, I let her lie; for I thought she deserved her punishment. My -heart was always tender towards the sex, and I generally expected a -“fellow-feeling.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 434px;"><img src="images/img102.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">SUCCESS OF TERRY’S COURTSHIP.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>In a short time it became evident that Terry’s stomach was not so tough as -his will, and he began to intermingle long and portentous sighs with his -prayers, and to perspire freely. I gave him a wide berth, in anticipation -of the Jonah that was to come up shortly. I was anxious now that Biddy -should revive in time to witness his grand effort. Terry was tough, and -held out. Shortly she revived, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_380" id="Page_380">[Pg 380]</a></span> suddenly starting up, and recollecting -the situation, she made one bound for Terry, crying,—</p> - -<p>“Ah, Terry, Terry, dear Terry! I’ll have ye now. Yis, I will; and I don’t -care who hears me. I always loved ye, but that divil’s baby, Mag, always -kept tellin’ me ye’d love me the betther if I didn’t give in to ye too -soon. Ah, Terry, dear, only live, and I’ll go to the ends of the world for -ye. Ah, an’ what would me poor mother say, if she was here? Och, hone! -Och, hone! Docther, now what are ye doin’? A purty docther ye are; an’ ye -pumped out yer own counthryman, that didn’t die, sure, an’ he tuk twice as -much as poor Terry.”</p> - -<p>Meantime the boy had arrived with the pump.</p> - -<p>“Up wid ye now, and use the black pipe ye put down the poor fellow’s -throat over the way last summer. I’d take it mesilf, if it would do; but -God knows whether I’d be worth the throuble.”</p> - -<p>As Terry had not yet cast up his accounts, and the stomach-pump was at -hand, I determined to make a little more capital out of the case, and -thrusting the long, flexible India rubber tube down poor Terry’s throat, -having separated his teeth by means of a stick, and holding his head -between my knees, I soon had the satisfaction of depositing the laudanum -and tartar emetic in a swill pail, the only article of the toilet the -place afforded.</p> - -<p>After years proved Terry and Biddy most loving companions. He never, even -when drunk, more than threatened her “wid a batin’, which she was -desarvin’,” and she never forgave “that divil’s baby, Mag,” for her cruel -experiment on her heroic and devoted Terry.—<i>Practice of a New York -Surgeon.</i></p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_381" id="Page_381">[Pg 381]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Life Scene.</span></p> - -<p><i>The Situation.</i>—I was young, but, with a wife and child dependent upon -my practice for food, raiment, and shelter, I was striving manfully; with -my household gods and goods I had located here, in a small village, a year -before. My beginning was encouraging, my success in practice more than -flattering. But an immense opposition had met and nearly overthrown me, in -the form of a man, a deacon of the —— church. He was one of those “rule -or ruin” men whom you will find in every one-horse village. I did not at -first know my man,—he did not know me,—or I should have avoided his ill -will. I did not know his tenaciousness of titles—he was an esquire -also—which was my first unpardonable offence. He swore—“as deacons -do”—that I should not practise in that town. I swore, as doctors will, -that “so long as I could obtain a potato and a clam a day I would remain -while he was my opposer.” Clams could be dug at low water, within a few -rods of my house; potatoes I grew on the quarter acre of ground given me -as partial inducement to settle in that town. His two drunken sons were -his emissaries of evil, set on for my overthrow, in addition to the -father’s voice and known opposition, which few dared to meet. My practice -dwindled. A few Nicodemuses came by night, but my darling wife trembled -for my very life when I had a night call. My provision was often short, my -poor horse was mere skin and bones, standing, day after day, gnawing his -empty manger.</p> - -<p>“O, is there a God in Israel?” I cried, in my anguish, more than once.</p> - -<p>Yes, the reply came to my prayers; there is a God of recompense.</p> - -<p class="center"><strong><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span></strong></p> - -<p><i>The Betrayed.</i>—My patient was a young girl, over whose golden head but -seventeen summers had flown, on rosy wings.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_382" id="Page_382">[Pg 382]</a></span> Her form was sylph-like, and -face as beautiful as the opening flower in the golden sunshine of early -day. She was an attendant at <i>his</i> church, a member of <i>his</i> Sabbath -school class, and a singer in the choir....</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img103.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE BETRAYED.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I was shown to her room. Sorrow, and not disease, had left its impress -upon her fair young face. Rumor had already given me a hint on which to -diagnose my case.</p> - -<p>“Who has done this wicked thing?” I asked, holding her hand, and looking -kindly into her eyes.</p> - -<p>“O, my God! O, I must not tell,” she cried, springing up from her couch. I -never shall forget the terror depicted on that fair young countenance, as -she pronounced these words.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_383" id="Page_383">[Pg 383]</a></span>“You must tell. You should not suffer this shame and burden alone. Tell me -truly. Who has done it? I must know. There may be a chance to cover the -shame and make your babe legitimate. Come,” I said.</p> - -<p>“O, sir, dear doctor, it can never be;” and she fell back on her pillow, -weeping and wringing her hands in awful anguish.</p> - -<p>“Come, it shall be done;” and I firmly held to the point.</p> - -<p>She arose. I gave her a bowl and napkin that were near; she bathed her -inflamed and swollen eyes, then, with surprising calmness and fortitude, -took a pencil and a bit of paper from the light-stand at her bedside, and -wrote a name.</p> - -<p>She then handed it to me, saying “’Tis he.” I read the name. I jumped to -my feet. I forgot my tender patient. I forgot all but my own sufferings, -and those of my dear little wife and darling babe, and their enemy, as I -cried out,—</p> - -<p>“O, my God in Israel! I have got him! I shall be avenged!”</p> - -<p>“O, don’t, doctor! What is the matter?” exclaimed the affrighted girl, -rising in bed. I had rushed, almost frantically across the room and back. -“Forgive me,” I said, “I—I forgot myself. Pardon me.”</p> - -<p>“O, sir, I thought you were mad.”</p> - -<p>“I was, dear girl. It is past. Now to your case.” And I proceeded to -unfold to her unsophisticated mind the true state of affairs. Here was a -pure, respectable, though poor young girl, under age, who had been -betrayed, locked into an office, and seduced by a son of the squire, and -deserted, threatened—left to bear the burden and disgrace alone. She -dared not divulge the name of her destroyer, because of the position of -his family in the community. I dared. But to bring her mind up above her -fears, to compel the young man to make restitution, as far as lay in his -power, was a severe task. It was my duty to do this; sweeter then than -duty, it was my revenge! By implicating the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_384" id="Page_384">[Pg 384]</a></span> real villain, I released -several other young men from suspicion, particularly one young man with -red hair.</p> - -<p>The girl was taken away from the sight of dear sister’s sinister looks, -and the influence and threats of the seducer, and secret offers of bribery -of the deacon, his father.</p> - -<p>The law took its course. No eye could see the hand that worked the -machinery. The time was counted almost to a day, as the result proved. The -young man was arrested, and gave bonds. It became the theme of general -conversation. I was interviewed. I was dumb—deaf—blind! Threats and -bribes proved equally ineffectual to induce me to give an opinion, or a -pledge not to appear in the coming trial at the next term of the Superior -Court. To marry the poor, unfortunate girl was beneath the dignity of the -seducer and family. They would pay their last farthing first, or the young -man would sooner go to prison for the crime. His two sisters carried their -heads higher than ever. The two sons threatened my life. But I kept on the -even tenor of my way. The girl became a mother.</p> - -<p>“Next Tuesday court sits,” whispered everybody, and nothing in town was -discussed but the probabilities of the pending lawsuit.</p> - -<p>The lawsuit was nothing, the fine was nothing, which the justice might -impose; even imprisonment was nothing in comparison to acknowledgment of -an illegitimate child by the deacon’s family, notwithstanding the child -was not red-haired, but much resembled its reputed father, the deacon’s -son.</p> - -<p>There was no trial. The squire paid a sum of money to the idiotic old -father of the beautiful young mother, and agreed, orally, to support the -child, and the suit was withdrawn. But this virtually acknowledged the -child, and the girl returned to her father’s roof for shelter, and a place -wherein to weep alone over her so-called fatherless child, and hide her -shame (?) from the uncharitable world.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_385" id="Page_385">[Pg 385]</a></span>The town became too cramped for the squire and his beautiful family. He -sold out, but not before he had lost his rule there, and was hanged in -effigy as being “too Secesh.”</p> - -<p>The seducer married a frail beauty, who mourns a drunken, brutish husband.</p> - -<p>The other son became steady, and married a lovely girl—my first patient.</p> - -<p>The daughters never wedded. Too proud to marry a poor man, too poor and -destitute of real beauty or accomplishments for a wealthy or refined man -to desire to wed them, they became servants and lackeys. If I desire a -lunch at a certain saloon, one of them awaits my order. No matter about -the other unfortunate, unloved girl. The father is an imbecile invalid. -God is my witness, my judge, I long ago buried my hard feelings against -them; they have only my commiseration.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img104.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_386" id="Page_386">[Pg 386]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XV" id="XV"></a>XV.</h2> -<p class="title">DOCTORS’ FEES AND INCOMES.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>“Three faces wears the doctor; when first sought,<br /> -An angel’s and a god’s, the cure half wrought;<br /> -But, when, the cure complete, he seeks his fee,<br /> -The d——l looks then less terrible than he.”<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 12em;"><span class="smcap">Euricus Cordus, 1530.</span></span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>ANCIENT FEES.—LARGE FEES.—SPANISH PRIEST-DOCTORS.—A PIG ON -PENANCE.—SMALL FEES.—A “CHOP” POSTPONED.—LONG FEES.—SHORT -FEES.—OLD FEES.—A NIGHT-CAP.—AN OLD SHOE FOR LUCK.—A BLACK -FEE.—“HEART’S OFFERING.”—A STUFFED CAT.—THE “GREAT GUNS” OF NEW -YORK.—BOSTON.—ROTTEN EGGS.—“CATCH WHAT YOU CAN.”—FEMALE DOCTORS’ -FEES.—ABOVE PRICE.—“ASK FOR A FEE.”—“PITCH HIM -OVERBOARD.”—DELICATE FEES.—MAKING THE MOST OF THEM.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>The great German physician who wrote the above died (as he ought, for -putting so much truth into four lines) in 1538. He, of all physicians of -his day, earned his fees; but it is often the case that the most deserving -get the least reward, and Cordus was not an exception to the rule. A good -physician, or surgeon, is seldom a sharp financier, and <i>vice versa</i>. “It -is hard to serve two masters.”</p> - -<p>Ancient physicians’ fees were much larger, considering the difference in -the value of money, than modern.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Erasistratus</span>, in the year 330 B. C., received from General Seleucus, of -Alexander’s army, to whom the kingdom of Syria fell at the termination of -the Macedonian conquest, the enormous sum of 60,000 crowns as a fee for -his discovery of the disorder of the general’s son, Antiochus. The Emperor -Augustus employed four physicians, viz., Albutus, Arantius, Calpetanus, -and Rubrius, to each of whom he paid<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_387" id="Page_387">[Pg 387]</a></span> an annual salary of 250,000 -sesterces, equal to $10,000. Martialis, the Spanish epigramist, who was -born in 40 A. D. says Alconius received 10,000,000 sesterces ($400,000) -for a few years’ practice.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Large Fees.</span></p> - -<p>French physicians were never very well paid. The surgeons of Charlemagne -were tolerably well recompensed. Ambrose Pare, the great surgeon, and -inventor of ligatures (for peculiar arteries),—previous to whose time the -arteries were seared with a hot iron; otherwise the patient bled to -death,—received 5,000 francs for ligaturing one artery. Louis XIV. gave -his surgeons 75,000 crowns each for successfully performing upon him a -surgical operation.</p> - -<p>Upon the confinement of Maria Louise, second wife of the great Napoleon, -four physicians—Bourdier, Corvisat, Dubois, and Ivan—received the sum of -$20,000. Dubois was the principal, and received one half of the -amount,—not a very extravagant remuneration; but then Napoleon held a -mean opinion of physicians in general, and this fee was not to be wondered -at. Dupuytren, the distinguished French surgeon, left a property of -$1,580,000. Hahnemann, who, in 1785, at Dresden, abandoned physic in -disgust, afterwards went to Paris, and at the time of his death was -literally besieged with patients, reaping a reward for his labors of not -less than $40,000 per annum. Boerhaave was a successful practitioner, born -at Leyden, and left, at his death, $200,000 from private practice. John -Stow, the eminent antiquarian writer, whose misfortunes compelled him to -beg his daily bread at the age of eighty, informs us that “half a crown -(English) was looked upon as a large fee in Holland, while in England, at -that same time, a physician scorned to touch any fee but gold, and -surgeons were still more exorbitant.”</p> - -<p>In Spain, until a very remote period, the priests <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_388" id="Page_388">[Pg 388]</a></span>continued to exercise -the double office of priest and physician, and some of them were -proficient in surgery; and though they fixed no stipulated price for their -medical services, they usually managed to get two fleeces from the one -shearing, and on certain occasions dispose of the carcass also, for their -own pecuniary advantages, as the following will show:—</p> - -<p>Anthony Gavin, formerly a Catholic priest of Spain, says, “I saw Fran. -Alfaro, a Jew, in Lisbon, who told me that he was known to be very rich, -when in Seville, where the priests finally stripped him of all his wealth, -and cast him into the Inquisition, where they kept him four years, under -some pretence, and finally liberated him, that he might accumulate more -property. After three years’ trade, having again collected considerable -wealth, he was again imprisoned and his wealth confiscated by the -priest-doctors, but let off, with the order to wear the mark of San Benito -(picture of a man in the midst of the fire of hell) for six months.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 257px;"><img src="images/img105.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A SAN BENITO PIG.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“But Alfaro fled from the city, and finding a pig near the gate, he -slipped the San Benito over the pig’s neck, and, sending him into the -town, made his escape. ‘Now I am poor,’ he added, ‘nobody wants to -imprison me.’”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_389" id="Page_389">[Pg 389]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">English Fees and Incomes.</span></p> - -<p>In no other country have physicians’ fees varied so much as in England. -The Protestant divine and the physician have kept step together to the -music of civilization and enlightenment. Both of these professions were -held at a low estimation up to the Elizabethan era, when a young, -unfledged M. D. from Oxford would gladly accept a situation in a lord’s -family for five or ten pounds a year, with his board, and lodgings in the -garret, while, in addition to professional services he might act as sort -of wise clown, “and be a patient listener, the solver of riddles, and the -butt of ridicule for the family and guests. He might save the expense of a -gardener—nail up the apricots; or a groom, and sometimes curry down and -harness the horses; cast up the farrier’s or butler’s accounts, or carry a -parcel or message across the country.”</p> - -<p>As was said also of the divine, “Not one living in fifty enabled the -incumbent to bring up a family comfortably. As the children multiplied, -the household became more beggarly. Often it was only by toiling on his -glebe, by feeding swine and by loading dung-carts, that he could gain his -daily bread.... His sons followed the plough, and his daughters went out -to service.”</p> - -<p>Queen Elizabeth’s physician in ordinary received one hundred pounds per -annum and perquisites—“sustenance, wine, wax, and etceteras.” Morgan, her -apothecary, for one quarter’s bill was paid £18 7<i>s.</i> 8<i>d.</i> A one pound -fee, paid by the Earl of Cumberland to a Cambridge physician, was -considered as exceptionally liberal, even for a nobleman to pay.</p> - -<p>Edward III. granted to his apothecary, who acted in the capacity of -physician in those days, a salary amounting to six pence a day, and to -Ricardus Wye, his surgeon, twelve pence per day, besides eight marks. (A -mark was 13<i>s.</i> 4<i>d.</i>) In the courts of the kings of Wales, the -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_390" id="Page_390">[Pg 390]</a></span>physicians and surgeons were the twelfth in rank, and whose fees were -fixed by law. Dr. Caius was fortunate in holding position as physician to -Edward VI., Mary, and Elizabeth. Sir Theodore Mayerne was still more -fortunate in having the honor of serving Henry IV. and Louis XIII. of -France, and subsequently King James I., Charles I. and II. of England. -Mayerne has been the subject of many anecdotes, of which the following is -a sample:—</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 376px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img106.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">AN OLD ENGLISH CLERGYMAN AND HIS FAMILY.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>A parsimonious friend, consulting Mayerne, laid two broad pieces of gold -(sixty shillings) on the doctor’s table, to express his generosity, as he -felt safe that they would be immediately returned to him. But Mayerne -quietly pocketed them, saying,—</p> - -<p>“I made my will this morning, and if it became known that I had refused a -fee, I might be deemed <i>non compos mentis</i>.”</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_391" id="Page_391">[Pg 391]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 336px; height: 500px;"><img src="images/img107.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE KING’S PHYSICIAN AND THE EXECUTIONER.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_392" id="Page_392">[Pg 392]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_393" id="Page_393">[Pg 393]</a></span>In 1700, graduated physicians’ dues were ten shillings, licensed doctors, -six shillings eight pence. A surgeon’s fee was twelve pence per mile, be -his journey long or short, and five shillings for setting a bone or -dislocated joint, one shilling for bleeding, and five pounds for an -amputation. All after attendance extra.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Anecdote of James Coythier.</span></p> - -<p>This jolly doctor was employed by Louis XI., and was said to have sponged -immense sums from his royal master, beyond a regular salary.</p> - -<p>“He wrung favor upon favor from the king, and if he resisted the modest -demands of his physician, the latter threatened him with speedy -dissolution. On this menace, the king, succumbing to the fear of death, -which weakness characterized his family, would at once surrender at -discretion.”</p> - -<p>Finally, to rid himself of such despotic demands, the king ordered the -executioner to behead the physician.</p> - -<p>The requisite officer waited on Coythier, and in a courteous and -considerate manner, as became the occasion, said to him,—</p> - -<p>“I deeply regret, my dear sir, the circumstance, but I must kill you. The -king can stand you no longer, and here are my orders.”</p> - -<p>“All right,” replied the doctor, with surprising unconcern; “I am ready -whenever you are. What time would you find it most convenient to perform -the little operation?”</p> - -<p>While the officer was trying to decide, Coythier continued,—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_394" id="Page_394">[Pg 394]</a></span>“But I am very sorry to leave his majesty only for a few days; for I have -ascertained by occult science that he can’t survive me more than four -days.”</p> - -<p>The officer stood struck with amazement, but finally returned and imparted -the astounding information to the king.</p> - -<p>“O, liberate him instantly. Hurt not a hair of his head,” exclaimed the -terrified monarch.</p> - -<p>Coythier was of course speedily restored to his place in the king’s -confidence—and treasury.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Long Fee.</span></p> - -<p>Here is what may be called a <i>long fee</i>:—</p> - -<p>An English surgeon, named Broughton, had the good fortune to open the -commerce of the East Indies to his countrymen through a medical fee. -Having been sent from Surat to Agra, in the year 1636, to treat a daughter -of the emperor Shah Jehan, he had the great fortune to restore the -princess.</p> - -<p>Beyond the present reward to the physician for his great services, the -emperor gave him the privilege of a free commerce throughout the whole -extent of his domains. Scarcely had Broughton returned than the favorite -nabob of the province—Bengal—sent for the doctor to treat him for a very -dangerous disease. Having fortunately restored this patient also, the -nabob settled a pension upon the physician, and confirmed the privilege of -the emperor, extending it to all Englishmen who should come to Bengal.</p> - -<p>Broughton at once communicated this important treaty, as it was, to the -English governor at Surat, and, by the advice of the latter, the company -sent from England, in 1640, the first ship to trade at Bengal. Such was -the origin of the great Indian commerce, which has been continued to the -present day,—the longest continued doctor’s fee ever given.</p> - -<p>Another long fee was that given to Dr. Th. Dinsdale, who travelled from -England to St. Petersburg by order of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_395" id="Page_395">[Pg 395]</a></span> Catharine of Russia, to inoculate -her son, the baron of the empire. The empress presented him with a fee of -twelve thousand pounds, and a life pension of five hundred pounds. This is -the largest sum ever paid to any physician since the world began, for a -single operation, and I know of no physician who ever made a longer -journey to attend a patient.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Short Fee.</span></p> - -<p>This is how a physician fell short of his fee. Charles II. was taken -suddenly and dangerously ill with apoplexy. The court physician being out -of town, Dr. King, who only being present, with one attendant, instantly -bled his majesty, to which “breach of court etiquette” John Evelyn -attributes his salvation for the time; for he would certainly have died, -had Dr. King staid the coming of the regular physician—for which act he -must have a regular pardon!</p> - -<p>The privy council ordered a handsome fee to be paid Dr. King for his great -presence of mind and prompt action, but it never was paid. Charles died -soon afterwards, and poor King fell short of a fat fee.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Odd Fees.</span></p> - -<p>Amongst the many funny things told about Sir Astley Cooper, the eminent -English surgeon, none is better authenticated than that respecting the -“night-cap fee.”</p> - -<p>In his earlier practice, he had to pass through all the trials and -tribulations, “anxious and ill-rewarded waitings,” that lesser stars have -before and since, and ever will, before he became “established.” In his -first year’s practice in London, his profits were but five guineas; his -second reached the encouraging sum of twenty-five pounds, and increased in -this ratio till the ninth year, when it was one thousand pounds. In one -year he made twenty-one thousand guineas. It is said that one merchant of -London paid him annually six hundred pounds. It wouldn’t require but a few -such<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_396" id="Page_396">[Pg 396]</a></span> lucrative patients to keep a doctor in pocket money even at this -day.</p> - -<p>A West India millionnaire, named Hyatt, had been to London, and undergone -a severe and dangerous surgical operation at the hands of Sir Astley, -assisted by Drs. Lettsom and Nelson. The operation proved a success, and -the grateful patient only waited till he could sit up in bed a little -while at a time before expressing in some measure his gratitude to the -physicians. All three being present one day, Hyatt arose in bed and -presented the two physicians with a fee of three hundred gold guineas, -and, turning to Sir Astley, who seemed for a moment to have been slighted, -the millionnaire said,—</p> - -<p>“And as for you, Sir Astley, you shall have nothing better than that,” -catching off his night-cap, and flinging it almost into Sir Astley’s -handsome face—he was said to be the handsomest man in England; “there, -take it, sir.”</p> - -<p>“Sir,” exclaimed the surgeon, with a smile, “I pocket the affront.”</p> - -<p>On reaching home, and examining the night-cap, he found it contained one -thousand guineas—nearly five thousand dollars.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">An Old Shoe.</span></p> - -<p>Quite as odd a fee was that presented to a celebrated New York surgeon -about the year 1845. An eccentric old merchant, a descendant of one of the -early Dutch families of Manhattan Island, was sick at his summer residence -on the Hudson, where his family physician attended him. The doctor gave -him no encouragement that he ever would recover. A most celebrated -surgeon, since deceased, was called as counsel, who, after careful -examination of the case, and considering the merchant’s age, coincided -with the opinion of the family physician, and so expressed himself to the -patient.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_397" id="Page_397">[Pg 397]</a></span>“Well, if that is all the good you can do, you may return to New York,” -said the doomed man. But as the astonished surgeon was going out of the -house, the invalid sent a servant after him, in haste, saying,—</p> - -<p>“Here, throw this old shoe after him, telling him that I wish him better -luck on the next patient;” and drawing off his embroidered slipper, he -gave it to the servant, who, well used to his master’s whims, as well as -confident of his generosity, ran after the doctor, flinging the shoe, and -giving the message, as directed. The surgeon felt sure of his fee, well -knowing the ability of the eccentric merchant; but he picked up the shoe, -and placing it in his coat pocket, said to his brother physician, who -accompanied him, “I’ll keep it, and I may get something, to <i>boot</i>.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 257px;"><img src="images/img108.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A SLIPPER-Y FEE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>It contained, stuffed into the toe, a draft for five hundred dollars.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Black Fee.</span></p> - -<p>Dr. Robert Glynn, of Cambridge, England, who died nearly eighty years ago, -was a most benevolent man, as well<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_398" id="Page_398">[Pg 398]</a></span> as a successful medical practitioner, -with a large revenue. Mr. Jeaffreson tells the following amusing story -about him:—</p> - -<p>“On one occasion a poor peasant woman, the widowed mother of an only son, -trudged from the heart of the fens (ten miles) into Cambridge, to consult -the good doctor about her boy, who was very sick with the ague. Her manner -so interested the doctor that, though it was during an inclement winter, -and the roads almost impassable by carriages, he ordered horses harnessed, -and taking in the old lady, went to see the sick lad.</p> - -<p>“After a tedious attendance, and the exhibition of much port wine and -bark, bought at the physician’s expense, the patient recovered. A few days -after the doctor had taken his discharge, without fees, the poor woman -presented herself at the consulting-room, bearing in her hands a large -basket.</p> - -<p>“‘I hope, my good woman, your son is not ill again,’ said the doctor.</p> - -<p>“‘O, no, sir; he was never better,’ replied the woman, her face beaming -with gratitude; ‘but he can’t rest quiet for thinking of all the trouble -you have had, and so he resolved this morning to send you this;’ and she -began undoing the cover of the large wicker basket which she had set on -the floor. The doctor stood overlooking the transaction in no little -concern. Egress being afforded, out hopped an enormous magpie, that -strutted around the room, chattering away as independent as a lord.</p> - -<p>“‘There, doctor, it is his favorite magpie he has sent you,’ exclaimed the -woman, looking proudly upon the piece of chattering ebony. It was a fee to -be proud of.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Heart’s Offering.</span></p> - -<p>The gratitude of the poor country lad for his recovery did not exceed, -probably, that of a young girl, as related<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_399" id="Page_399">[Pg 399]</a></span> in the Montpelier papers, from -one of which I cut the following:—</p> - -<p>“A young girl, fourteen years of age, named Celia ——, called at the -hotel to-day where Dr. C., with his family, is stopping, and presenting -him with a bouquet of Mayflowers, said, ‘I have no money to pay you for -curing my head of scrofula, and I thought these flowers might please you.’ -This was truly the offering of a grateful heart; for her head <i>had been -entirely covered by sores, from her birth</i>, and the doctor had cured it. -Another journal said, in commenting upon it, ‘This heart’s offering deeply -affected the doctor, to whom it was a greater reward than any money -recompense could have been.’ The doctor has the withered and blackened -flowers and leaves pressed, and hung in a frame in his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_400" id="Page_400">[Pg 400]</a></span> office, but the -memory of the touching scene of their presentation will remain fresh -within his heart forever.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 396px;"><img src="images/img109.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A LIVING FEE.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Stuffed Cat-skin.</span></p> - -<p>An eccentric and parsimonious old lady, who died in a small village in the -State of Maine, some twenty years ago, always kept a half dozen cats about -the house. She was a dried-up-looking old crone, and some ill-minded -people had gone so far as to call her a witch, doubtless because of her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_401" id="Page_401">[Pg 401]</a></span> -oddities and her cats, “black, white, and brindled.” When one of these -delightful night-prowlers departed this life, the old lady would have the -skin of the animal stuffed, to adorn her mantel shelf. My informant said -he had once seen them with his own eyes, arranged along on the shelf, some -half score of them, looking as demure and comfortable as a stuffed cat -could, while the old woman sat by the fireplace, croning over her knitting -work.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 416px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img110.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">STUFFED PETS.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The woman paid no bills that she could avoid, always pleading poverty as -her excuse for the non-fulfilment of her responsibilities.</p> - -<p>One dark and stormy night she was taken very sick, and by a preconcerted -signal to a neighbor,—the placing of a light in a certain window,—help -was summoned, including the village doctor, to whom she owed a fee for -each visit he had ever made her. But this was fated to be the doctor’s -last call to that patient.</p> - -<p>“O, doctor, then I am dying at last—am I?”</p> - -<p>The physician assured her such was the case.</p> - -<p>“Then, doctor, I must tell you that you’ve been very patient with me, and -have hastened day or night to see me, in my whims, as well as my real -sickness, and you shall be rewarded. I have no money, but you see all my -treasures arranged along on the mantel-piece there?”</p> - -<p>“What!” exclaimed the doctor; “you don’t call those cats treasures, I -hope!”</p> - -<p>“Yes, they are my only treasures, doctor. Now, I want to be just to <i>you</i>, -above all others, because you’ve not only served me as I said, but you’ve -often sent me wood and provisions during the cold winters—”</p> - -<p>Here she became too feeble to go on, and the doctor revived her with some -cordial from his saddle-bags, when she took breath, and continued,—</p> - -<p>“See them, doctor; eleven of them. Which will you choose?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_402" id="Page_402">[Pg 402]</a></span>The doctor, with as much grace as possible, declined selecting any one of -the useless stuffed skins; when the old lady, by much effort, raised her -head from the pillow, and said, “Well, I will select for you. Take the -black one—take—the black—cat—doctor!” and died.</p> - -<p>Her dying words so impressed him, that he took the cat home, and, on -opening her,—for it was very heavy,—he found that the skin contained -nearly a hundred dollars, in gold.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">American Fees and Incomes.</span></p> - -<p>There is a surgeon in New York city whose income from practice outside of -the hospital is said to be twenty-five thousand dollars per annum. Dr. -Valentine Mott, the celebrated New York surgeon, who died April 26, 1865, -at the age of eighty-one years, had a very large income, but less than -that enjoyed by several surgeons in the metropolis at the present time.</p> - -<p>There are some specialists in New York, Philadelphia, and Boston, who -receive greater sums annually than the regular medical or surgical -practitioners. There is no law particularly controlling the prices of the -former. The fee for a visit, by the established usage of the medical -societies in these cities, is from three to ten dollars.</p> - -<p>A specialist sometimes receives fifty to one hundred dollars for -prescribing in a case, for which another physician, in ordinary practice, -would charge but an office fee of two to ten dollars. A quack -specialist—and an impostor—in the latter city makes his brags that he -has received twelve hundred dollars for one prescription. But then this -same lying braggadocio says he has read medicine with Ricard, and had -various honors conferred upon him.</p> - -<p>Dr. Pulte, of Ohio, one of the western pioneers in homeopathy, who has -often been greeted, in his earlier professional rounds, by a shower of -dirt, rotten eggs, stones,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_403" id="Page_403">[Pg 403]</a></span> brickbats, and had rails and sticks thrust -through his carriage wheels at night, and been otherwise insulted, until, -finally, he had to carry his wife about with him, as a protective -measure,—for his revilers would not insult a lady,—has since made as -high as twenty thousand dollars a year, and has amassed a fortune of two -hundred thousand dollars. There is a Boston homeopathist whose income from -practice is not less than twenty to twenty-five thousand dollars annually. -Some of the surgeons (allopathic) do better, but hardly reach the figures -of Dr. Nelaton, the great French surgeon, who, in 1869, earned four -hundred thousand francs, equal to about eighty thousand dollars.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 247px;"><img src="images/img111.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A PIONEER OF HOMEOPATHY.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Dr. Bigelow, the very celebrated surgeon of Harvard College, has probably -received the largest fee for a surgical operation of any New England -practitioner. He is said to be worth nearly a million.</p> - -<p>Dr. Buckingham, the eminent medical practitioner, of Boston, who probably -earns as much as any physician in the city, a few years ago stated to the -graduating class of Harvard College—so I am informed by a physician then -present—that he received for his first year’s practice in Boston<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_404" id="Page_404">[Pg 404]</a></span> <i>but -fifty-seven dollars</i>. He then had a little office up stairs, where he -slept, dined,—often on bread and cheese, or a few crackers; sometimes he -did not dine,—and received his few patients. But he was a great student, -and a hard worker, and often, and usually, stuck to his post during those -hours when more prosperous physicians were seeking amusement or -relaxation. He was one of the “<i>hold-fast</i>” kind, who always win, in the -end.</p> - -<p>“<i>Catch what you can.</i>”—There is a class of wretches in every city who -have no established fee for prescribing for the sick. They go on the -principle of “catch what I can.” If they cannot get a fee of twenty -dollars, they will take two, provided the patient has no more. A young man -who visited one of these medical shave-shops was charged a fee of -thirty-five dollars in a very simple case; but the benevolent doctor -concluded to accept two dollars and a half instead, since the man had no -more money. The shamefulness of such Jewing reminds one of the story of a -negro trading off a worn-out old mule:—</p> - -<p>“I say, dar, what will you take for dat yer mule, Cuffy?”</p> - -<p>“O, I axes thirty-five dollars for him, Mr. Sambo.”</p> - -<p>“O, go way, dar. I gibs you five dollars for him,” said the first.</p> - -<p>“Well, you can take him, Sambo. I won’t stand for thirty dollars on a mule -trade, nohow.”</p> - -<p>There is a female practitioner in St. Louis who earns above ten thousand -dollars a year, and her individual fees are moderate at that.</p> - -<p>Another doctress, Mrs. Ormsby, of Orange, N. J., accumulates some fifteen -thousand a year, and is in turn outstripped by another woman practising in -New York, who gets nearly twenty thousand dollars a year. Such certainly -possess great business tact, with or without professional merit, and for -such let all men give them credit.</p> - -<p>Several female doctors in Boston receive from three to five thousand -dollars each, yearly.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_405" id="Page_405">[Pg 405]</a></span>It is too often the case that a physician’s success is reckoned, like a -tradesman’s, by what he has gained in a pecuniary point of view. There -are, however, thousands of worthy men, successful with their cases, who, -from less acquisitiveness than benevolence, have failed in securing more -than a bare competence, through a life devoted to their profession.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 449px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img112.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A SHARP MULE TRADE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I presume nearly every physician who has experienced a dozen years in -practice has some mementos of his poor patients’ gratitude, in the form, -if not of an ebony bird, or a black cat-skin, of something possessing more -beauty, and,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_406" id="Page_406">[Pg 406]</a></span> to the benevolent heart, which always beats within the -breast of every true physician, keepsakes prized above gold and silver.</p> - -<p class="poem">“Who has not kept some trifling thing,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">More prized, more prized, than jewels rare,</span><br /> -A faded flower, a broken ring,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A tress of golden hair, a tress of golden hair?”</span></p> - -<p>A very benevolent physician, and a sexagenarian, of New York city, wrote, -twenty years ago, “I even yet enjoy a sort of melancholy satisfaction in -hastening to relieve the suffering poor of my neighborhood, though I know -that my reward will be very small, or, what is far more frequent, that I -shall be paid with ingratitude, if not slander.</p> - -<p>“Sometimes there are bright spots in my horizon, and I think myself more -than repaid by a new shirt, or a couple of handkerchiefs—the gift of some -poor, though grateful sewing girl. A few of these little treasures I prize -with peculiar tenderness.”</p> - -<p class="poem">“A tress of hair and a faded leaf<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Are paltry things to a cynic’s eyes:</span><br /> -But to me they are keys that open the gates<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of a paradise of memories.”</span></p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Asking for a Fee.</span></p> - -<p>A Boston M. D., who had been in practice fourteen years without -accumulating any property, was about to abandon the profession, and, with -this view, he applied to Fowler, the phrenologist, with the question, -“What pursuit am I best adapted to follow?” Mr. Fowler, with whom he was -unacquainted, said, “The practice of medicine;” but, at the same time, he -assured the doctor that he ought to do business on a <i>cash</i> -principle,—“<i>accipe dum dolet</i>,”—or employ a collector, as he would -never collect his fees. Acting on this hint, the doctor returned to his -practice, and in a few years was out of debt, and owned a fine residence.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_407" id="Page_407">[Pg 407]</a></span>In the matter of collecting fees only he was deficient.</p> - -<p>A New York student—if report is true—began earlier to be impressed with -the propriety of getting his fee in advance, as the following will show.</p> - -<p>He went before the censors for examination. One of the board was a -well-known penurious, fee-loving doctor, who, looking over the list of -names of the applicants, said,—</p> - -<p>“Mr. ——, if a patient came to your office, what would you first do?”</p> - -<p>“I would ask him for a fee, sir,” was the prompt reply.</p> - -<p>An old navy surgeon relates the following regarding examinations:—</p> - -<p>“I was shown into the examining-room. Large table, and a half dozen old -gentlemen at it. ‘Big wigs, no doubt,’ I thought, ‘and, sure as my name is -Symonds, they’ll pluck me like a pigeon.’</p> - -<p>“‘Well, sir, what do you know about the science of medicine?’ asked the -stout man in the head seat.</p> - -<p>“‘More than he does of the practice, I’ll be bound,’ tittered a little -wasp-like dandy—a West End ladies’ doctor.</p> - -<p>“I trembled in my shoes.</p> - -<p>“‘Well, sir,’ continued the first, ‘what would you do if during an action -a man was brought to you with both arms and legs shot off? Now, sir, speak -out; don’t keep the board waiting. What would you do?’</p> - -<p>“‘By Jove, sir,’ I answered, ‘I would pitch him overboard, and go on to -some one else to whom I could be of more service.’</p> - -<p>“By thunder! every one present burst out laughing, and they passed me -directly—passed me directly.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Delicate Fees.</span></p> - -<p>There are certain delicate cases, usually terminating in “good news,” in -which it has long been an established custom for the physician to receive -a double fee. “A father just <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_408" id="Page_408">[Pg 408]</a></span>presented with an heir, or a lucky fellow -just made one, is expected to bleed freely for the benefit of the -faculty.” Even the Irish, who, in about all other cases, calculate on -“cheating the doctor to pay the priest,” will usually lay by a little sum -from their penury, or their bank hoardings, as the case may be, “to pay -the doctor for the babbie.”</p> - -<p>We insert the following poetry (!) for the fun of the thing; nevertheless, -it is within the experience of more than one physician, who, after doing -his duty, exhibiting his best professional ability, and saving the wife of -some miserable, worthless fellow, who never deserved such a godsend for a -companion, has cheated the doctor out of his fees from spite, when, if the -poor woman had died, he would have liberally paid the physician. Let no -man take this to himself.</p> - -<p class="poem">“A woman who scolded one day so long<br /> -Quite suddenly lost all use of her tongue!<br /> -The doctor arrived, who, with ‘hem and haw,’<br /> -Pronounced the affection a true locked jaw.<br /> -<br /> -“‘What hopes, good doctor?’ ‘Very small, I see.’<br /> -The husband (quite sad) slips a double fee.<br /> -‘No hopes, <i>dear</i> doctor?’ ‘Ahem! none, I fear.’<br /> -Gives another fee for an issue clear.<br /> -<br /> -“The madam deceased. ‘Pray, sir, do not grieve.’<br /> -‘My friends, one comfort I surely receive—<br /> -A fatal locked jaw was the only case<br /> -From which my dear wife could have died—in peace.’”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Make the most of him.</span>”</p> - -<p>It has been said that physicians have been known to benevolently play a -fee into a brother’s hand when their own palm failed to be broad enough to -hold them all. Perhaps the reader may derive amusement or instruction from -the following, in which case the writer is well repaid for their -insertion:—</p> - -<p>“A wealthy tradesman, after drinking the waters of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_409" id="Page_409">[Pg 409]</a></span> Bath Springs a -long time, under advice of his physician, took a fancy to try those of -Bristol. Armed with an introductory letter from his Bath doctor to a -professional brother at Bristol, the old gentleman set off on his journey. -On the way he said to himself,—</p> - -<p>“‘I wonder what Dr. —— has advised the Bristol physician respecting my -case;’ and giving way to his curiosity, or anxiety, he opened the letter, -and read,—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p>“‘<span class="smcap">Dear Doctor</span>: The bearer is a fat Wiltshire clothier; <i>make the most -of him</i>. Yours, professionally, ——.’”</p></div> - -<p>Clutterbuck, the historian, and a pleasant writer, tells the following of -his uncle, who was a physician:—</p> - -<p>“A nervous old lady, a patient of his, took it into her crotchety old head -to try the Bath waters, and applied to her physician for permission.</p> - -<p>“‘The very thing I have been thinking to recommend,’ he replied; ‘and I -know an excellent physician at the wells, to whom I will give you a letter -of introduction.’”</p> - -<p>With her letter and a companion, she started for the springs. <i>En route</i> -she took out the letter, and, after looking at the address some time, her -curiosity overcame her, and she said to her friend, “So long as the doctor -has treated me, he has never told me what my case is, and I have a mind to -just look into this letter and see what he has told the Bath physician -about it.”</p> - -<p>In vain her friend remonstrated against such a breach of trust. The old -lady opened the epistle, and read the following instructive words:—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>: Keep the old woman three weeks, and send her back.”</p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img113.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_410" id="Page_410">[Pg 410]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XVI" id="XVI"></a>XVI.</h2> -<p class="title">GENEROSITY AND MEANNESS.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>“Life’s better joys spring up thus by the wayside,<br /> -And the world calls them trifles. ’Tis not so.<br /> -Heaven is not prodigal, nor pours its joys<br /> -In unregarded torrents upon man:<br /> -They fall, as fall the riches of the clouds<br /> -Upon the parched earth, gently, drop by drop.<br /> -Nothing is trifling which love consecrates.”—<span class="smcap">Aylmere.</span><br /> -<br /> -“The art of our necessities is strange.”—<span class="smcap">King Lear.</span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>THE WORLD UNMASKED.—A ROUGH DIAMOND.—DECAYED GENTILITY.—“THREE -FLIGHT, BACK.”—SEVERAL ANECDOTES.—THE OLD FOX-HUNTER.—“STAND ON -YOUR HEAD.”—KINDNESS TO CLERGYMEN.—RARE CHARITY.—OLD AND -HOMELESS.—THE “O’CLO’” JEW.—DR. HUNTER’S GENEROSITY.—“WHAT’S THE -PRICE OF BEEF?”—A SAD OMISSION.—INNATE GENEROSITY.—A CURB-STONE -MONEY-MANIAC.—AN EYE-OPENER.—AN AVARICIOUS DOCTOR.—ROBBING THE DEAD.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>Side by side, hand in hand, through the world, go generosity and meanness. -If these could but be personified, and the individuals compelled to stand -before men in broad daylight, O, what a staring would there be! Those whom -we thought the very embodiment of generosity and kindness would “crop out” -in their true hideousness of character—unmasked meanness and selfishness; -yes, men too high in the estimation of the world, in church and in state.</p> - -<p>On the other hand, we should be equally astonished to find amongst those -in the humbler walks of life, as well as some in the more exalted, people, -whom the world counted as mean and penurious, now standing forth adorned -in robes<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_411" id="Page_411">[Pg 411]</a></span> bleached like the snow-drift, shining bright as the golden -sunrise, yet blushing to find that their hidden charities, and secret, -self-denying generosities, had been suddenly brought to light.</p> - -<p>And when the secret works of this world shall be revealed, no class of men -will stand forth more blessed in deeds of generosity and self-sacrifice -than the physicians. There is an occasional black sheep in the great -flock.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Rough Diamond.</span></p> - -<p>There is no better authority for the truth of the many queer stories told -about the rough benevolence of Dr. Abernethy, the great English surgeon, -than the author of his memoirs—Sir George Macilwain.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 256px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img114.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">PHYSICIANS’ CHARITY.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“His manner [Dr. Abernethy’s], as we shall admit, was occasionally rough, -and sometimes rather prematurely truthful. One day he was called in -consultation by a physician to give an opinion in a case of a pulsating -tumor, which was pretty plainly an aneurism. On proceeding to examine the -tumor, he found a plaster covering it.</p> - -<p>“‘What is this you have on it?’ asked Abernethy.</p> - -<p>“‘O, that is only a plaster.’</p> - -<p>“‘Pooh!’ exclaimed the doctor, pulling it off and flinging it aside.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_412" id="Page_412">[Pg 412]</a></span>“‘The “pooh” was all well enough,’ said the attending physician, -afterwards, ‘but it took several guineas out of my pocket.’”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Up Three Pair, Back.</span>”</p> - -<p>A surgeon—pupil of the above—was requested to visit a patient in a low -quarter of the suburbs of the metropolis. When he arrived, and mounted -several flights of crazy stairs, he began searching for the designated -number, which was so defaced by time that he was only enabled to determine -it by the more legible condition of the next number.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 412px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img115.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">SEARCH FOR A PATIENT.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_413" id="Page_413">[Pg 413]</a></span>An old woman answered the shake of the dilapidated knocker.</p> - -<p>“Does Captain Blank live here?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir,”—trying to penetrate the darkness.</p> - -<p>“Is he at home?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir. Please, may I make so bold as to ask, are you the doctor?”</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“O, then please to walk in, sir.”</p> - -<p>In the ill-furnished, narrow room sat an old man, in a very shabby and -variegated <i>déshabille</i>, who rose from his chair, and, with a grace worthy -of a count, welcomed the stranger. His manner was extremely gentlemanly, -his language well chosen, and the statement of his complaint particularly -clear and concise.</p> - -<p>The surgeon, who like most of us see strange things, was puzzled to make -out his new patient, but concluded that he was one of the many who, having -been born to better things, had become reduced by misfortune to these -apparently very narrow circumstances.</p> - -<p>Accordingly, having prescribed, the surgeon was about taking his leave, -when the gentleman said,—</p> - -<p>“Sir, I thank you very much for your attention,” at the same time offering -his hand with a fee.</p> - -<p>The benevolent surgeon declined the fee, simply saying,—</p> - -<p>“No, I thank you, sir. I hope you will soon be better. Good morning.”</p> - -<p>“Stay, sir!” exclaimed the old gentleman. “I shall insist on this, if you -please,” in a tone which at once convinced the surgeon that it would be -more painful to refuse than accept the fee; he accordingly took it.</p> - -<p>“I am very much obliged to you, sir,” the old gentleman then said; “for -had you not taken your fee I could not have again had the advantage of -your advice. I sent for you because I had understood that you were a pupil -of Dr. <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_414" id="Page_414">[Pg 414]</a></span>Abernethy’s, for whom I could not again send, <i>because he would -not take his fee</i>, and I was so hurt that I am afraid I was rude to the -good man. I suppose he, judging from the appearances of things here, -thought I could not afford it, hence refused the fee, on which I begged -him not to be deceived by appearances, but take the fee. However, he kept -retreating and declining, till, forgetting myself a little, and feeling -vexed, I said, ‘By G——, sir, I insist on your taking it,’ when he -replied as fiercely, ‘By G——, sir, I will not,’ and hastily left the -room, closing the door after him.”</p> - -<p>This gentleman lived to the age of ninety. He was really in very good -circumstances, but lived in this humble manner to enable him to assist -very efficiently some poor relatives. The surgeon, after a while, changed -his professional visits to friendly ones, and continued them up to the old -man’s death. When, however, the gentleman died, about four hundred guineas -were found in his boxes.</p> - -<p>Sometimes Dr. Abernethy would meet with a patient who would afford a -useful lesson. A lady, wife of a distinguished musician, consulted him, -and, finding him uncourteous, said,—</p> - -<p>“Sir, I had heard of your rudeness before I came, but I did not expect -this.”</p> - -<p>When Dr. Abernethy gave her the prescription, she asked,—</p> - -<p>“What am I to do with this, sir?”</p> - -<p>“Anything you like. Put it into the fire if you choose.”</p> - -<p>The lady laid the fee on the table, went to the grate, threw the -prescription on to the fire, and hastily left the room.</p> - -<p>The doctor followed her to the hall, earnestly pressing her to take back -the fee, or permit him to write her another prescription; but the lady -would not yield her vantage-ground, and so withdrew.</p> - -<p>The foregoing is well authenticated. Mr. Stowe, the informant, knows the -lady well.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_415" id="Page_415">[Pg 415]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 282px;"><img src="images/img116.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">AN ECCENTRIC PATIENT.</p> -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_416" id="Page_416">[Pg 416]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 392px;"><img src="images/img117.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A WOMAN’S REBUKE.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_417" id="Page_417">[Pg 417]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Old Fox-hunter.</span></p> - -<p>Sometimes, again, the ill usage was all on one side.</p> - -<p>We know a hard-drinking old fox-hunter who abused Dr. Abernethy roundly; -but all that he could say against him was this:—</p> - -<p>“Why, sir,—will you believe me?—almost the first words he said, as he -entered my room, was, ‘I perceive you drink a good deal.’</p> - -<p>“Now,” continued the patient, very <i>naïvely</i>, “supposing I did, what the -devil was that to him?”</p> - -<p>Another gentleman, who had a most unfortunate appearance on his nose, -exactly like that which accompanies dram-drinking, used to be exceedingly -irate against Dr. A. because, when he told the doctor that his stomach was -out of order, Abernethy would reply,—</p> - -<p>“Ay, I see that by your nose.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Duke, or the poor Gentleman.</span></p> - -<p>One day, just as Dr. Abernethy was stepping into his carriage to make a -professional visit to the Duke of W., to whom he had been called in a -hurry, a gentleman stopped him to say that the ——, at Somers Town -(mentioning a poor gentleman whom he had visited without fee), would be -glad to have him visit him again at his leisure.</p> - -<p>“Why, I cannot go now,” Dr. Abernethy replied, “for I am going in haste to -see the Duke of W.” Then, pausing a moment before stepping into his -carriage, he looked up to the coachman, and quietly said, “To Somers -Town.”</p> - -<p>The fidgety irritability of his first impression at interference, and the -beneficence of his second thought, were very characteristic of Dr. -Abernethy.</p> - -<p>A pupil, who wished to consult him one day, took the very inauspicious -moment when the doctor (and professor) was looking over his papers, but a -few moments before lecture, in the museum.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_418" id="Page_418">[Pg 418]</a></span>“I am fearful, sir, that I have a polypus in my nose, and want you to look -at it,” said the student.</p> - -<p>The doctor made no reply; but when he had completed the sorting of his -preparations, he said, looking up,—</p> - -<p>“Eh?”</p> - -<p>To which the pupil repeated his request.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 302px;"><img src="images/img118.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">AFRAID OF A POLYPUS.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Then stand on your head; don’t you see that all the light here comes from -the skylight? How am I to look into your nose?”</p> - -<p>(This was true, for there were no side-lights in the amphitheatre.)</p> - -<p>“Where do you live?” continued the doctor.</p> - -<p>“Bartholomew Close, sir.”</p> - -<p>“At what time do you get up?”</p> - -<p>“At eight.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_419" id="Page_419">[Pg 419]</a></span>“You can’t be at Bedford Row” (where Abernethy resided) “at nine, then?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir, I can.”</p> - -<p>“To-morrow morning, then.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir; thank you.”</p> - -<p>The pupil was punctual. Dr. Abernethy made a very careful examination of -his nose, found nothing of the nature of polypus, made the pupil promise -never to look into his nose again, and he, in after years, said, that -there never was anything the matter.</p> - -<p>Dr. Abernethy never took a fee from a student, brother doctor, nor full -fee from a clergyman. His great labors seemed to be in the hospitals, and -on his resignation as surgeon to St. Bartholomew, he presented for its use -five hundred dollars. He never neglected his poor hospital patients for -the richer ones outside.</p> - -<p>One morning, on leaving his house for a visit to the hospital patients, -some one wished to detain him, when he exclaimed, in terms more earnest -than elegant,—</p> - -<p>“Private patients may go to the devil” (or elsewhere, another reports), -“but the poor fellows in the hospital I am bound to care for.”</p> - -<p>To poor students whose funds were “doubtful,” he presented free tickets to -his college lectures, afterwards showing them marked attention.</p> - -<p>Everybody has heard of his rude kindness to a young fashionable miss, whom -her mother took to Abernethy for treatment. It is said that the doctor ran -a knife under her belt, in presence of the mother, instantly severing it, -and exclaiming,—</p> - -<p>“Why, madam, don’t you know there are upwards of thirty yards of ——” -(what are more elegantly termed bowels) “squeezed under that girdle? Go -home, give nature fair play, and you’ll have no need of a prescription.”</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_420" id="Page_420">[Pg 420]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 330px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img119.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">ABERNETHY’S SURGICAL OPERATION.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Kindness to Clergymen.</span></p> - -<p>“Cynics have been found in plenty to rail at physicians for loving their -fees; and one might justly retort that the railers love nothing but their -fees. Who does not love—and who is not entitled to—the sweet money -earned by labor, be it labor of hand, brain, or cloth? One thing is -sure—doctors are unpaid.”—<i>A Lawyer.</i></p> - -<p>The above kind-hearted physician, having attended the child of a -clergyman’s widow, without knowing her situation, returned all the fees he -had received from her when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_421" id="Page_421">[Pg 421]</a></span> he learned who she was, and added, in a -letter, fifty pounds besides, with instructions to expend it in daily -rides in the open air, for her health. To a clergyman he sent a receipt -for his long services, and also enclosing ten pounds.</p> - -<p>The generosity of Dr. Wilson, of Bath (now deceased), has before been -recorded. He had been attending a clergyman, who, Wilson had learned, was -in indigent circumstances, and he afterwards sent fifty pounds in gold to -the minister, by a friend.</p> - -<p>“Yes, I will take it to him to-morrow,” said the gentleman.</p> - -<p>“O, my dear sir,” exclaimed Dr. Wilson, “take it to him to-night. Only -think of the importance to an invalid of one good night’s rest.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Rare Charity.</span></p> - -<p>Another case of “three pair, back,” occurs in the memoirs of Dr. Lettsom, -who is already made mention of in this work. On one of his benevolent -excursions, the doctor found his way into the squalid garret of a poor old -woman who had evidently seen better days. With the refined language and -the easy deportment of a well-bred lady, she begged the physician to -examine her case, and give her a prescription. (Alas! how often is poverty -mistaken for disease, and does want foster malady!) But the kind doctor, -after a careful inquiry, formed a correct diagnosis, and wrote on a slip -of paper he chanced to have about him, the following brief note to the -overseers of the parish:—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p>“A shilling per diem for Mrs. Moreton. Money, not physic, can cure her.</p> - -<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">Lettsom.</span>”</span></p></div> - -<p>A shilling, in those days, was considered no mean sum per day.</p> - -<p class="poem">“Alas for the rarity<br /> -Of Christian charity<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Under the sun!</span><br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_422" id="Page_422">[Pg 422]</a></span>O, it was pitiful!<br /> -Near a whole city full,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Home she had none.</span><br /> -<br /> -“Sisterly, brotherly,<br /> -Fatherly, motherly<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Feelings had changed;</span><br /> -Love, by harsh evidence,<br /> -Thrown from its eminence,<br /> -Even God’s providence<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Seeming estranged.”</span></p> - -<p>“Alas, doctor,” said an unfortunate old gentleman, some seventy-four years -old,—a merchant ruined by the American war, bowed down by the weight of -his misfortunes, and by disease,—to Dr. Lettsom, “those beautiful trees -you may see out of my bedroom window I planted with these now feeble -hands. I have lived to see them bear fruit; they have become as part of my -family. But with my children still dearer to me, I must quit this dear old -home, which was the delight of my youth and the hope of my declining -years, and become a homeless, joyless wanderer in my old age.”</p> - -<p>The benevolent Quaker doctor was deeply affected by these words, and the -utter despair and hopelessness with which the weeping old man uttered -them; and, speaking a few words of consolation to his unfortunate patient, -he wrote a prescription, and hastily retired.</p> - -<p>On the old gentleman’s examination of the remarkable looking recipe, he -found it to be a check for a large sum of money. The benevolence of the -physician did not end here. He purchased the residence and grounds of the -old man’s creditors, and prescribed them to him for life. (He is our young -Quaker antipode, mentioned in another chapter.)</p> - -<p>The old apothecary, Sutcliff, was right when he said of young Lettsom, -while his apprentice, “Thou may’st make a good physician, but I think not -a good apothecary.” An apothecary is not expected to give away his time or -medicine. (They seldom disappoint one’s expectations.) A<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_423" id="Page_423">[Pg 423]</a></span> grocer is not -expected to give away flour, rice, sugar, tea, to even a starving, -languishing neighbor; nor the baker, nor the butcher, to give bread or -meat to the perishing. Why, such demands upon them daily would be laughed -to scorn. But the physician! These very same niggardly men (individually) -would berate the doctor, be he ever so needy, or be his family ever so -large, who would accept a fee for even cold-night services to any but the -richest patients. All physicians do not have access to the “richest -patients.” Many a good physician has been compelled to quit practice -because of his too large “bump” of benevolence, and because of the limited -amount of that article in his first few patients, while thousands of -practitioners in this country struggle and labor on through a life of -self-denial, wearing themselves out, dying prematurely, leaving their -families penniless to the cold charities of an uncharitable world. (See -<a href="#XXX">Chapter XXX</a>.)</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Old Jew.</span></p> - -<p>“Ah me,” exclaimed a Jew, one day, as he reluctantly drew out his wallet -to pay three dollars for his examination, prescription, and advice, “if I -could only make money like the doctors of mede<i>cene</i>! Ah me.” Then, taking -two dollars from his purse, he asked, “Won’t that do?”</p> - -<p>This Jew was a merchant, reputed rich, and penurious as he was wealthy, -and I demanded the accustomed fee.</p> - -<p>“Let me see,” said he; “how many patients have you seen to-day?”</p> - -<p>“Nine,” I replied.</p> - -<p>“Let me see,” counting his fingers as a tally. “At least twenty-seven -dollars a day, and nothing out but a bit of paper. Ah, I wish I had been a -doctor in mede<i>cene</i>,” he added, with a sigh, and a woful look at the -money, as he reluctantly handed it over.</p> - -<p>This was casting pearls before worse than swine, prescribing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_424" id="Page_424">[Pg 424]</a></span> for such a -wretch. Brains, education, anxiety, all went for nought, with him. <i>Money</i> -was his all. A shilling before his eyes would shut out even God’s -sunlight. If the shilling only <i>shone</i>, <i>glistened</i>,—sunlight enough for -such a wretch.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 377px;"><img src="images/img120.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">RECKONING A DOCTOR’S FEES.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Let <i>me</i> see,” I said, after his miserable body had taken his penurious -soul out of my office; “nine patients, one three miles away. Horse-tire -and carriage-wear, time, advice, and medicine given, because the patient -was a widow. No. 2 patient, the sick child of an invalid mother; no fee. -No. 3, an Irishman. The Irish never wish to pay anything; did pay one -dollar. No. 4, a merchant. “Charge it.” That was <i>his</i> fee. No. 5, a young -sewing girl, who, in sewing on army cloth, had sewed her life’s blood into -the seams. In consumption. Could I take her fee? God <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_425" id="Page_425">[Pg 425]</a></span>forbid. No. 6, a -“lady,” who, having so much upon her back, had nothing in her purse. I may -get my fee at the end of the quarter. “You know my husband. Good morning.” -It was near two o’clock then. She had occupied my time a whole hour. My -dinner was cold; my wife was out of sorts, waiting so long. Nos. 7 and 8, -two sick children. Visit them daily; pay uncertain. The ninth was the -wealthy Jew. Nine patients; four dollars! Don’t I sometimes wish I kept an -“O’ clo’” store, like the old Jew? This actually occurred when I practised -medicine in Hartford.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img121.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">PATIENT NUMBER FIVE.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Dr. Hunter’s Generosity.</span></p> - -<p>No man cared <i>less</i> for the profits of the medical profession, or <i>more</i> -for the honor thereof, than the great Dr. John Hunter. He was honest, -honorable, and simple in his every day life. His works, which contributed -more to the science of medicine than any other writings during a thousand -years, were simply announced as by <span class="smcap">John Hunter</span>. A plain door plate, with -the same name, announced his residence. Money was a secondary -consideration to him. The following shows that he desired a professional -brother to so consider it:—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">Dear Brother</span>: The bearer needs your advice. He has no money, and you -have plenty; so you are well met.</p> - -<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">“Yours,<span class="spacer"> </span><span class="smcap">John Hunter</span>.”</span></p></div> - -<p>To a poor tradesman from whom he had received twenty guineas for -performing a surgical operation upon his wife, he returned nineteen -guineas, having learned with what difficulty and extreme self-denial the -husband had raised the money.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_426" id="Page_426">[Pg 426]</a></span>“I sent back nineteen guineas, and kept the twentieth,” said he, in -apology for retaining even the one, “that they might not be hurt with an -idea of too great an obligation.”</p> - -<p>Where is the other man, or class of men, who would have returned the -money, honestly earned, as agreed upon beforehand, unasked?</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Generous at Another’s Expense.</span></p> - -<p>It is all very nice when one can exercise a benevolent spirit, and not -draw upon his own pocket.</p> - -<p>A well-authenticated story is repeated in this line of Dr. M. Monsey.</p> - -<p>Passing through a market one day, he noticed a miserable old woman looking -wistfully at a piece of meat hanging just within a stall.</p> - -<p>“What is the price of this meat, sir?” she timidly inquired.</p> - -<p>“A penny a pound, old woman,” replied the butcher, sneeringly, disdaining -a civil answer to the wretched-looking woman, who probably had not a penny -to pay for the chop.</p> - -<p>“Just weigh that piece of meat, my friend,” said the doctor, who had been -attentively watching the proceedings.</p> - -<p>The butcher cheerfully complied with the request of so respectable-looking -a customer.</p> - -<p>“Ten pounds and a half, sir,” replied the butcher.</p> - -<p>“There, my good woman,” said the doctor, “hold up your apron;” and he -dumped the whole into it, saying, “Now make haste home and cook it for -your family.”</p> - -<p>After blessing the very eccentric but benevolent old man over and again -for the timely provision, she drew up the corners of the apron, and ran -speedily down the market.</p> - -<p>“Here, my man,” said the doctor, turning to the smiling butcher, “here is -ten pence ha’penny, the price of your meat.”</p> - -<p>“What? What do you mean?” asked the butcher.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_427" id="Page_427">[Pg 427]</a></span>“I mean, sir, that I take you at your word. You said the meat was a penny -a pound. At that price I bought it for the poor old woman. It’s all I’ll -pay you. Good morning, sir.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 329px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img122.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE ASTONISHED BUTCHER.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I can imagine the “chop-fallen” butcher, standing, in his long frock, with -a <i>beaten</i> expression of countenance, alternating his gaze between the -pence in his palm and the retreating form of the wigged and laughing old -doctor.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_428" id="Page_428">[Pg 428]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Report on Teeth.</span></p> - -<p>Many stories are told of the eccentricities of Dr. Monsey, and</p> - -<p class="poem">“No man could better gild a pill,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or make a bill,</span><br /> -Or mix a draught, or bleed, or blister,<br /> -Or draw a tooth out of your head,<br /> -Or chatter scandal by your bed,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or tell a twister.”</span></p> - -<p>Amongst the vagaries of Dr. Monsey, says Mr. Jeaffreson, was the way in -which he proceeded to extract his decaying teeth. Around the tooth -sentenced to be uprooted he fastened securely a strong piece of cord, or -violin string, to the other end of which he attached a bullet. He then -proceeded to load a pistol with powder and the bullet. By merely pulling -the trigger of the pistol, the operation was speedily and effectually -performed.</p> - -<p>It was seldom, however, that the doctor could induce his patients to adopt -this original mode of extracting undesirable achers.</p> - -<p>One gentleman, who had agreed to try this novel process upon a tooth, got -so far as to allow the whole apparatus to be adjusted, when, at the very -last instant, he exclaimed,—</p> - -<p>“Stop, stop! I have changed my mind—”</p> - -<p>“I haven’t, though; and you’re a fool and a coward, and here’s go,” which -saying, the doctor pulled the trigger.</p> - -<p>“Bang!” went the pistol, and out flew the tooth, to the delight and -astonishment of the patient.</p> - -<p>Taking this anecdote alone, it is scarcely credible; but considered in -connection with what we have already selected from the life of Dr. Monsey, -and what we may write of his eccentricities in our chapter under that -head, this may be believed as being nearly correct.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_429" id="Page_429">[Pg 429]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 272px;"><img src="images/img123.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">MODERN IMPROVEMENTS IN DENTISTRY.</p> -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_430" id="Page_430">[Pg 430]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 421px;"><img src="images/img124.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">CHARITY NOT SOLICITED.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_431" id="Page_431">[Pg 431]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A sad Omission.</span></p> - -<p>Believing, as I do, that every reader of these pages is personally -cognizant of the fact of the true benevolence of our present American -physicians, and because of the silence of the few biographers respecting -the generosities and benevolent deeds of those “who have gone before,” I -have devoted more space to anecdotes of English surgeons and physicians -than I otherwise would. I have searched throughout four volumes of -biographies of American physicians without being able to find a single -anecdote of generosity recorded therein worthy of notice. Also in the -“Lives of Surgeons ——” I have to regret this almost unpardonable -neglect. I am assured from my personal knowledge of some of these latter -that there are a thousand instances, which, in justice to their -benevolence, ought to be put upon record, as they are engraven upon the -hearts of their suffering fellow-creatures, and not for the aggrandizement -of the generous bestower so much as an example for the cynical and the -uncharitable world.</p> - -<p>A physician has just left my presence who has given away more than he has -ever received from his practice. The good physician is always generous. A -mean-souled man cannot become a successful practitioner. His success with -his patients depends as much, or more, upon the kindly influences that -beam from his eye, that flow from his soul, as upon the medicine that he -deals out from his “saddle-bags.”</p> - -<p>Generosity and kindness are innate to the man. They require little -cultivation.</p> - -<p>The following amusing anecdote from “Every Saturday,” I have reason to -believe, has reference to one of our best physicians, who is also a man of -letters, and illustrates my assertion:—</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_432" id="Page_432">[Pg 432]</a></span></p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Innate Generosity.</span>”</p> - -<p>“One hot August afternoon a gentleman, whose name attached to a check -would be more valuable to the reader than if written here, was standing in -front of the Revere House, waiting for a Washington Street car. He was a -slim, venerable gentleman, with long white hair, and a certain dignity -about him which we suppose comes of always having a handsome balance in -the bank, for we never knew a poor man to have this particular air. It was -a sultry afternoon, and the millionaire, standing on the curb-stone in the -shade, had removed his hat, and was cooling his forehead with his -handkerchief, like any common person, when the Cambridge horse-car stopped -at the crossing at his feet. From this car hastily descended a well-known -man of letters, whose pre-occupied expression showed at once that he was -wrestling with an insubordinate hexameter, or laying out the points of a -new lecture. Suddenly he found himself face to face with a white-haired -old man, dejectedly holding a hat in one hand. As quick as thought the -poet—to whom neither old age nor young appeals in vain—thrust his hand -into his vest pocket, and, dropping a handful of nickel and fractional -currency into the extended hat, passed on. The millionaire gazed aghast -into the hat for an instant, and then inverted it spasmodically, allowing -the money to drop into the gutter, much to the amusement of a gentleman -and a tooth-pick on the steps of the Revere House, and very much more to -the amusement of another party, who chanced to know that the supposed -mendicant and the man of letters had been on terms of personal intimacy -these twenty years.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Curb-stone Money-maniac.</span></p> - -<p>A man may possess large acquisitiveness and benevolence at the same time, -like Sir Astley Cooper, and succeed both pecuniarily and professionally. -Such are, however, scarce.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_433" id="Page_433">[Pg 433]</a></span> Those with an excess of the grasping principle -in their composition illustrate the truth that “where the treasure is the -heart will be also.” Asleep or awake, drunk or sober, such men never lose -sight of the almighty dollar. The annexed story, though irreverent to the -doctors, is not irrelevant to the case:—</p> - -<p>During the late “panic,” a fellow, whose prominent feature was in his -Jewish nose, which presented the sign of acquisitiveness by the bridge -widening on to the cheeks above the <i>alæ</i>,—all men noted for accumulating -have this sign, hung out by nature as a warning to the unwary,—was making -a great noise, as he clung to a friendly lamp-post, to which he was -arguing the state of the money market. “Come, sir, you are making too much -noise,” said a policeman.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 348px;"><img src="images/img125.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">CAPTURE OF A WALL STREET BULL.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Me? No, ’tain’t me that’s—hic—making the noise; it’s<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_434" id="Page_434">[Pg 434]</a></span> the bulls—the -bulls, sir; them’s what’s making all the noise,” replied the fellow, -skewing first one side of the post, then the other, trying to get a view -of his new intruder.</p> - -<p>“You are tight, sir—tight as a peep,” continued the watchman.</p> - -<p>“Me tight? No, sir; it’s the money-market what’s—ti—tight,” replied the -gentlemanly dressed individual, though much the worse for bad whiskey. “Go -down Wall Street, and Fisk and Vanderbuilt—all of ’em—will tell you so. -Everybody says money is—hic—tight. I never was more loose in -my—hic—life;” and he demonstrated the assertion by swinging very loosely -around the lamp-post, and falling down.</p> - -<p>“There, you are down. Too drunk to stand up;” and the policeman helped him -to his feet again, and walked him along towards the station.</p> - -<p>“No, sir. There you are wrong again; it’s stocks that’s down. It’s the -stockholders—hic—that’s staggering along; they’ve fallen and skinned -their noses on the curb-stone of adversity. There! don’t you see -them—crawling along?”</p> - -<p>“O, you’ve got the tremens. Come on,” exclaimed the policeman.</p> - -<p>“Me? No; it’s the shorts and bears what’s got the dol—hic—lar—tremens. -I’ve caught the pan—hics—panics, sir; that’s all.”</p> - -<p>The policeman thrust the money-maniac into a cell, and the last seen of -him he leaned back against the wall, his feet braced out, while, hatless -and the knot of his cravat round under his left ear, he stood arguing the -money-market with an imaginary broker on the opposite side of his cell.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">An “Eye-opener.”</span></p> - -<p>“How much do you charge, sir?” asked a poor farmer, from Framingham, of a -city doctor, who had just wiped a bit of dust from the eye of his son.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_435" id="Page_435">[Pg 435]</a></span>“Twenty-five dollars, if you please,” was the modest reply.</p> - -<p>“I cannot pay it, sir,” said the poor man. “It only took you a half -minute. Our doctor was not at home; but I didn’t think you would charge me -much, sir.”</p> - -<p>So the M. D. very benevolently (?) accepted ten dollars—all the poor man -had.</p> - -<p>Can you wonder, after reading this statement, the truth of which is easily -avouched for, that this doctor owns a whole block—stores, hotel—and is -immensely rich?</p> - -<p>From the English book “About Doctors,” here are three anecdotes:—</p> - -<p>Radcliffe, the humbug, with a great effort at generosity, had refused his -fees for visiting a poor friend a whole year. On making a final visit, the -gentleman said, presenting a purse,—</p> - -<p>“Doctor, here I have put aside a fee for every day’s visit. Let not your -goodness get the better of your judgment. Take your money.”</p> - -<p>The doctor took a look, resolved to carry out his attempt at benevolence, -just touched the purse to restore it to his friend, when he heard “the -chink of gold” within, and—put it into his pocket, saying,—</p> - -<p>“Singly, I could have refused the fees for a twelvemonth, but -collectively, they are irresistible. Good day, sir;” and the greedy doctor -walked away with a heavier pocket and a lighter heart than he came with.</p> - -<p>On visiting a nobleman, Sir Richard Jebb was paid in hand three guineas -when he, by right, expected five. The doctor purposely dropped the three -gold pieces on the carpet, when the nobleman directed the servant to find -and restore them; but Sir Richard still continued the search after -receiving the three coins.</p> - -<p>“Are they not all found?” inquired the nobleman, looking about.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_436" id="Page_436">[Pg 436]</a></span>“No, there must be two more on the carpet, as I have only three restored,” -replied the wily doctor.</p> - -<p>His lordship took the hint, and said, “Never mind; here are two others.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 419px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img126.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">DEATH’S FEE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>This sticking for a fee was all cast into the shade by the act of an -“eminent physician of Bristol.” The doctor, entering the bedroom -immediately after the death of his patient, found the right hand clinched -tightly, and, pulling open the fingers of the dead man, the doctor -discovered that the hand contained a guinea.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_437" id="Page_437">[Pg 437]</a></span>“Ah!” exclaimed the doctor to the servant and friends around him, “this -was doubtless intended for me;” and so saying he pocketed the coin.</p> - -<p class="poem">“Three hungry travellers found a bag of gold.<br /> -One ran into the town where bread was sold.<br /> -He thought, ‘I will poison the bread I buy,<br /> -And seize the treasure when my comrades die.’<br /> -But they, too, thought, when back his feet have hied,<br /> -We will destroy him, and the gold divide.<br /> -They killed him, and, partaking of the bread,<br /> -In a few moments all were lying dead.<br /> -O world, behold what ill thy goods have done!<br /> -Thy gold thus poisoned two and murdered one.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img127.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_438" id="Page_438">[Pg 438]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XVII" id="XVII"></a>XVII.</h2> -<p class="title">LOVE AND LOVERS.</p> - -<p class="center">“No task is harder than that of writing to the ideas of another.”—<span class="smcap">Johnson.</span></p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td valign="top"><i>Duke.</i></td> - <td>“If ever thou shalt love,<br /> - In the sweet pangs of it, remember me;<br /> - For such as I am all true lovers are;<br /> - Unstaid and skittish in all things else,<br /> - Save in the constant image of the creature<br /> - That is beloved....<br /> - My life upon it, young as thou art, thine eye<br /> - Hath stayed upon some face that it loves;<br /> - Hath it not, boy?”</td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>XANTIPPE, BEFORE JEALOUSY.—A FIRST LOVE—BLASTED HOPES.—A DOCTOR’S -STORY.—THE FLIGHT FROM “THE HOUNDS OF THE LAW.”—THE EXILE AND -RETURN.—DISGUISED AS A PEDDLER.—ESCAPES WITH HIS LOVE.—ENGLISH -BEAUS.—YOUNG COQUETTES.—A GAY AND DANGEROUS BEAU.—HANDSOME -BEAUS.—LEAP YEAR.—AN OLD BEAU.—BEAUTY NOT ALL-POTENT.—OFFENDED -ROYALTY.—YOUTH AND AGE.—A STABLE BOY.—POET-DOCTOR.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>An old lady once said, “I’ve hearn say that doctors either are, or are -not, great experts in love affairs; I’ve forgotten which.” Just so!</p> - -<p>“I would not be a doctor’s wife for the world,” I have heard many a lady -affirm. True; for few doctors have had the misfortune (or folly) to select -a jealous woman for a life companion.</p> - -<p>Socrates, the great philosopher, and physician of the mind, seems to have -had the ugliest tempered woman in the world, whose very name, <i>Xantippe</i>, -has passed into a proverb for a scolding wife; yet she was not jealous of -her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_439" id="Page_439">[Pg 439]</a></span> spouse, but was said to have sincerely loved him; and he bore her -outbursts of temper only as a great philosopher could, which seemed not to -have disturbed the equanimity of his living nor the humor of his dying.</p> - -<p>“Crito,”—these were his last words,—“Crito, forget not the cock that I -promised to Esculapius!”</p> - -<p>Alas! an affecting satire on philosophy and physic.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img128.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">MY FIRST LOVE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>No; we find no cases to record of the jealousies of physicians, or their -wives. All the jealousies of the former are spent on their professional -brethren.</p> - -<p>It is a philosophical fact that physicians, of all men, seldom<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_440" id="Page_440">[Pg 440]</a></span> are -involved in disgrace, quarrels, or litigations on account of love affairs. -Yet they have affections, like other men, and above all men know how to -appreciate affection and virtue in woman.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">First Love—Blasted Hopes.</span></p> - -<p>I know of a little episode in the early life of a doctor, whose name -modesty forbids me to mention. Let me briefly state it in the first -person.</p> - -<p class="poem">Ah, friend, if you and I should meet<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Beneath the boughs of the bending lime,</span><br /> -And you in the same low voice repeat<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The tender words of the old love-rhyme,</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">It could not bring back the same old time—</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 6em;">No, never.</span></p> - -<p>I was young when I first fell in love,—not above six years of age; but -love is without reason, blind to age. The object of my first affection was -my school-<i>mischief</i>, as I then called her, who was about twenty. The -disparagement of years never entered my innocent noddle. I used to start -for school a half hour before nine, and stop on the way at the squire’s -house, where Miss —— boarded. O, with what joy I always met her! In -summer she gave me roses from the beautiful great white rose-bushes in the -squire’s front yard; in autumn and winter, splendid red and green apples, -from the orchard and cellar, and candy and kisses at all times. So I fell -desperately in love with her.</p> - -<p>I was greatly shocked, and not a little piqued, when one day she, in cold -blood, bade me good by, and went away with a tall man, with shocking red -whiskers. That is all I remember about him. I, however, mourned her loss -for years, although my appetite remained unimpaired—my parents said.</p> - -<p class="poem">“Like a still serpent, basking in the sun,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With subtle eyes, and back of russet gold,</span><br /> -Her gentle tones and quiet sweetness won<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A coil upon her victims: fold on fold</span><br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_441" id="Page_441">[Pg 441]</a></span>She wove around them with her graceful wiles,<br /> -Till, serpent-like, she stung amid her smiles.”</p> - -<p>The next time I saw her was about ten years afterwards. O, with what -pleasant anticipations I hastened to her house! I remembered her every -look—her fair, intelligent face; her wavy black hair; her heavenly -dark-blue eyes. O, I should know her anywhere! Her I never could forget.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 431px;"><img src="images/img129.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">TEN YEARS LATER.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>With these thoughts I confidently knocked at the door. “Is Miss —— at -home?” I inquired of the—servant, I supposed, who opened the door. Just -then three or four dirty-looking little children ran screaming after the -woman, calling out, “Marm, marm!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_442" id="Page_442">[Pg 442]</a></span>“Hush, children, hush!” said the female, and, turning again to me, said,—</p> - -<p>“Whom did you inquire for?” pushing back one of the red-headed urchins.</p> - -<p>“Miss Mary ——, ma’am,” I answered. “She once lived at Blue Hill.”</p> - -<p>She gave a sickly-looking smile. She looked sick before; her cheeks all -fallen in; her skimmed-milk colored eyes had a weary, anxious expression; -and her thin, bony hands, resting on the door-latch, looked like a -consumptive’s, as she said,—</p> - -<p>“When did you know her?”</p> - -<p>“O, but a few years ago, ma’am. Is she here? Does she live in <i>this -house</i>?” I eagerly inquired.</p> - -<p>“Well,” she replied, with another more sepulchral smile,</p> - -<p>“I was once Miss Mary ——. I married Mr. —— ——, over ten years ago. -My baby, here,”—presenting the second in size of the children to my view, -a reddish-brown haired girl, quite unlike any one I had ever seen before, -and wiping its nose with her calico apron,—“she is named for me, Mary -——. Won’t you come in, sir?”</p> - -<p>No, I thought I would not stop. I didn’t stop till I reached the hotel, -where I had begged the stage-driver to wait for me but a half hour before, -while I called upon the lovely Miss Mary ——.</p> - -<p class="poem">“O, sunny dreams of childhood,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">How soon they pass away!</span><br /> -Like flowers within the wild wood,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">They perish and decay.”</span></p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A handy Doctor.</span></p> - -<p>A young physician was supposed to be “keepin’ company” with a young lady. -The matronly friend of the latter, having praised the young man from all -points of view, returned one day from the death-bed of a friend, at which -the physician<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_443" id="Page_443">[Pg 443]</a></span> had been present. She eulogized the living fully as much as -the dead man, and finally turning to the girl, as if she had reached the -<i>ne plus ultra</i> of enthusiasm, she said, “Jane, he’s the handsomest man I -ever see fixin’ round a corpse.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Doctor’s Story.</span></p> - -<p>The writer is acquainted with a young physician, who read medicine with an -old doctor, named Gitchel, or Twichel, of Portland, and commenced practice -in his native village,—a great mistake for any practitioner to make,—and -where he met with consequences natural to even a prophet, opposition and -scandal. By some mistake, or, as his opponents charged, mal-practice, he -lost a patient. Being, a few days later, in a shop in the next village, he -was secretly informed that the “hounds of the law were after him—even at -the next door, that very moment.” Terrified beyond necessity, he caught up -his medicine chest, and, climbing out of the back window, fled to the -woods. In the village, at home, he had courted a lovely young girl, with -whom he had exchanged vows. She knew the talk that was going on -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_444" id="Page_444">[Pg 444]</a></span>respecting the young doctor, but she believed it not, or, believing, -clung the firmer to her pledges.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 239px;"><img src="images/img130.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">FLIGHT OF THE DOCTOR.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“After night fell I left the woods, and took to the highway. To go home I -was afraid. O, had I but braved the doctors, and defied the lawyers, all -would have been well,” he told me afterwards. “But I had received such ill -treatment, been scandalized so severely, that I was cowed to the earth. I -knew not if my life, my Angie, had also turned against me, when the news -was spread that I had tacitly admitted my crime by fleeing.</p> - -<p>“I went to W., hundreds of miles away. I took a new name, and put out my -shingle. I was at once patronized, and soon extensively; but I was morose -and unhappy. I was offered a home and a wife. I had as good as a wife away -in my far-off home; I was bound to her, and I <i>loved</i> her as I <i>hated my -own soul</i>! I dared not write to her, nor go to her. ‘O, my God, what shall -I do?’ I cried, in my misery. He did not hear me, and I came to believe -that <i>He was not</i>!</p> - -<p>“Thus a whole year wore away, and I had not heard from home. Finally, I -determined to make an attempt to see my Angie. I had, after going to W., -allowed my heavy beard to go uncropped, which I had never done at home. I -wore no clothes that I brought away with me from home. I purchased a few -knickknacks, put on a slouched hat, and appeared in my native village as a -peddler. Unless my voice betrayed me, I had no fears of detection. To -prevent this mishap I kept a silver coin in my mouth when talking.</p> - -<p>“I had called at several houses, but could learn nothing of my betrothed, -without fear of exciting suspicion by too close inquiries. I therefore, -unable longer to stand the suspense, entered her father’s house. She and -her mother only were at home. I could scarcely suppress my feelings as I -beheld her, the idol of my heart. When I spoke, she started to her feet, -and with staring countenance gazed fixedly upon me. Then she fell back -into her chair.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_445" id="Page_445">[Pg 445]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 299px;"><img src="images/img131.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">FLIGHT OF THE LOVERS.</p> -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 328px;"><img src="images/img132.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE LOVER AS A PEDDLER.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_446" id="Page_446">[Pg 446]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_447" id="Page_447">[Pg 447]</a></span>“My God, she did not know me.</p> - -<p>“The mother noticed how pale the girl looked, and proposed to get her a -drink of water from the porch.</p> - -<p>“‘No, no, I am not faint.’</p> - -<p>“‘Yes, yes,’ I articulated, with the coin in my mouth; ‘get her some -water.’</p> - -<p>“Away went the old lady, and, dropping my basket and spitting out the -coin, I cried, ‘Angie, Angie, bless you, my darling,’ and fell kneeling at -her feet.</p> - -<p>“‘O, Charley, it is you,—the Lord be praised!—come at last.’</p> - -<p>“I sprang to my feet. There was time to say no more. The mother returned -and looked wistfully about.</p> - -<p>“‘I thought I heard some one saying, “Charley, Charley,”’ she said, -presenting the water to Angie, who was now flushed and excited. I was -searching for my coin.</p> - -<p>“‘O, the water is warm. Mother, dear, do go to the well in the yard, and -get some fresh; and look to see if there is anybody outside calling.’ And -away went the old lady.</p> - -<p>“‘Now, Charley, what brought you back? And why did you stay? And—’</p> - -<p>“‘Wait, wait. Number nine boots brought me. I’ve come for you, Angie.’</p> - -<p>“‘You will be arrested if you are seen here, I am afraid,’ she said.</p> - -<p>“‘Then meet me to-night at —— Crossing, and fly with me.’</p> - -<p>“I then told her how I had lived, how I had suffered, and how much I loved -her; and she consented to marry me, and secretly go away with me. But the -difficulty now lay in getting a lawful man to marry us. The license could -be bought; I was certain of that. So I went away and obtained it. I next -hired a horse and carriage, and paid for it in advance, to go twelve -miles.</p> - -<p>“‘Aren’t you Charley ——?’ asked the stable man, eying<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_448" id="Page_448">[Pg 448]</a></span> me sharply, as I -was about to drive away to get Angie, that night.</p> - -<p>“‘Take this,’—and I gave him a gold piece,—‘and ask no questions, nor -answer any, till you see your horse and carriage safely back,’ was my -reply.</p> - -<p>“As we drove out of the village, I heard wagon wheels far behind us. -Reaching the woods, I drove into a wood road, and the ‘hounds of the —— -doctors’ rode fiercely past. Angie trembled for my safety. I reached a -cross road. The moon shone quite brightly, and, jumping from the buggy, I -soon found, by the fresh track, which road they had taken. I took a -different. So I reached a train that night, and rode till morning; arrived -at W. the next, and was married.”</p> - -<p>It was at W. that I found him first. He was smart. He had a good memory. -He was a handsome man, full six feet in his stockings. In all, his address -was not excelled by any physician with whom I have ever met. He is now an -excellent physician and surgeon, in a large city, in good practice. When -he returned on a visit to his native village, as he did last year, the -affair had blown over; for after a man is honored abroad, he may become so -at home,—seldom before. I wish him happiness and prosperity.</p> - -<p>“There is no greater rogue than he who marries only for money; no greater -fool than he who marries only for love. I could marry any lady I like, if -I would only take the trouble,” Dr. Macilvain heard an old fellow say. Of -course, nobody but a conceited old bachelor would have said that, who -needs a woman to just take some of the self-conceit out of him.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">English Doctors as Beaus.</span></p> - -<p>Some of the old English doctors were gay fellows amongst the ladies, -according to the best authorities. Nevertheless, few men have arrived at -eminence in the medical profession who were known to be afflicted with an -overplus of romantic or sentimental qualities in their composition.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_449" id="Page_449">[Pg 449]</a></span>It may be interesting, particularly to ladies, to know that the majority -of those physicians who have arrived at the dignity of knighthood owe -their elevation rather to the smiles of love than the rewards of -professional efforts. “Considering the opportunities that medical men have -for pressing a suit in love, and the many temptations to gentle emotion -that they experience in the aspect of female suffering, and the confiding -gratitude of their fair patients, it is to be wondered at that only one -medical duke is to be found in the annals of the peerage.” But the -physician usually has quite sufficient self-control and honor about him, -not only to keep his own tender sensibilities in subjection, but often to -check those of his grateful and emotional female patient.</p> - -<p>Thackeray has said that “girls of rank make love in the nursery, and -practise the arts of coquetry upon the page boy who brings up the coals -and kindlings.”</p> - -<p>In this connection Mr. Jeaffreson, whose narratives have the virtue of -being true as well as interesting, says, “I could point to a fair matron -who now enjoys rank and wealth among the highest, who not only aimed -tender glances, and sighed amorously upon a young, waxen-faced, blue-eyed -apothecary, but even went so far as to write him a letter proposing an -elopement, and other merry arrangements, in which a ‘carriage and four,’ -to speed them over the country, bore a conspicuous part.”</p> - -<p>The “silly maiden” had, like Dinah, a “fortune in silver and gold,” of -about two hundred and fifty thousand dollars, and her tall, blue-eyed -Adonis, to whom she made this <i>almost</i> resistless proposal, was twice her -age. But he was a gentleman of honor, and, being in the confidence of the -family, he generously, without divulging the mad proposition of the fair -young lady, induced the father to take her to the continent, for a -twelvemonth’s change of air and scenery.</p> - -<p>“What a cold-blooded wretch!” will some fair reader exclaim.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_450" id="Page_450">[Pg 450]</a></span>“What a fool he was, to be sure!” says the bachelor fortune-seeker.</p> - -<p>Well, she didn’t die for her first unrequited love, but married a “very -great man,” and became the mother of several children. And this is the way -the fair heroine of this little story avenged herself upon this “Joseph -amongst doctors.”</p> - -<p>Very recently she manifested her good will to the man who had offered her -what is generally regarded as the greatest insult a woman can experience, -by procuring a commission in the army for his eldest son.</p> - -<p>It is interesting to note the various qualities which have attracted the -attention, or love, of different sons of Æsculapius to female beauties. -Sometimes it has been her hair, the “pride of a woman,” that was the point -of attraction, as it was with Dr. Mead, “whose highest delight was to comb -the luxuriant tresses of the lady on whom he lavished his affections;” or -the “eyes of heavenly blue,” like the lady love’s of Dr. Elliot, senior; -or the tiny footprint in the sand, like that which first attracted Dr. -Robert Ames to the woman of his choice. What the point of attraction was -in the man is not easily ascertained.</p> - -<p>A gay and dangerous beau among the “high ladies” was Dr. Hugh Smithson, -the father of James Smithson (his illegitimate son), the founder of the -“Smithsonian Institution” at Washington. Sir Hugh’s forte lay in his -remarkably handsome person, said to be only second to Sir Astley Cooper in -beauty of form and features. However, he had the address which secured to -him one of the handsomest and proudest heiresses of England, and this is -how he accomplished it.</p> - -<p>He was but the grandson of a Yorkshire baronet, “with no prospects,” and -was apprenticed to an apothecary, and for a long time paid court to mortar -and pestle at Hutton Garden. The story runs, that the handsome doctor had -been mittened by a “belle of private rank and modest<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_451" id="Page_451">[Pg 451]</a></span> wealth,” and that -the only child and heiress of Seymour, Duke of Somerset, and an -acquaintance of Sir Hugh’s, heard of his rejection, when she publicly -observed that “the beauty who had disdained such a man was guilty of a -folly that no other woman in England would have been.”</p> - -<p>Sir Hugh would have been unwise not to have taken this broad hint, and he -did what none of the heiress’s suitors, even of high rank, had yet aspired -to,—proposed, and was accepted. Sixteen years later he was created Duke -of Northumberland, and could well afford to laugh in his sleeve at the -proposition that “his coronet should be surrounded with <i>senna</i> leaves, -instead of strawberry,” since he had reached a rank that no other M. D. -had previously done, and possessed the “<i>loveliest woman in England</i>,” and -a great fortune, to boot.</p> - -<p>Lord Glenbervie, who from the druggist’s counter reached the peerage, was -taunted by Sheridan with his plebeian origin, from which a patrician wife -had redeemed him, in the following amusing verse:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“Glenbervie, Glenbervie!<br /> -What’s good for the scurvy?<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But why is the doctor forgot?</span><br /> -In his arms he should quarter<br /> -A pestle and mortar,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For his crest an immense gallipot.”</span></p> - -<p>Sir John Elliot was another handsome doctor of that period, who, -notwithstanding his being disliked by King George, could, with small -effort and large impudence, “capture the hearts of half the prettiest -women amongst the king’s subjects, and then shrug his shoulders with -chagrin at his success.” “One lady, the daughter of a nobleman, ignorant -that he was otherwise occupied, made him an offer, and on learning, to her -surprise and mortification, that he was already married, vowed she would -not rest till she had assassinated his wife.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_452" id="Page_452">[Pg 452]</a></span>Dr. Arbuthnot, whose courtly address, sparkling wit, ready flow of -language, innate cordiality, and polished manners made him a great -favorite about London, was one of the finest looking gentlemen of his -time. The doctor was contemporary with Dean Swift, with whom he used to -enjoy flirtations with the queen’s maids of honor about St. James.</p> - -<p>“Arm in arm with the dean, he used to peer about St. James, jesting, -laughing, causing matronly dowagers to smile at ‘that dear Mr. Dean,’ and -young girls, out for their first season at court, green and -unsophisticated, to blush with annoyance at his coarse, shameless -badinage,—bowing to this great man, from whom he hoped for countenance; -staring insolently at that one, from whom he expected nothing; quoting -Martial to the prelate, who could not understand Latin; whispering French -to a youthful diplomatist, who knew no tongue but English; and continually -angling for the bishopric, which he never got.”</p> - -<p>From flattering court beauties, Arbuthnot became flatterer to the gouty, -hypochondriacal old queen. But wine and women made sad havoc with poor -Arbuthnot, who died in very straitened circumstances.</p> - -<p>Dr. Mead, before mentioned, was twice married. He was fifty-one years old -when married the second time, to a baronet’s daughter. Fortunate beyond -fortunate men, he had the great <i>mis</i>-fortune of outliving his usefulness. -His sight failed, and his powers underwent that gradual decay which is the -saddest of all possible conclusions to a vigorous and dignified existence. -Even his valets domineered over him. Long before this his second -childhood, he excited the ridicule of the town by his vanity and absurd -pretensions as a “lady-killer.”</p> - -<p>“The extravagances of his amorous senility were not only whispered about, -but some contemptible fellow seized upon the unpleasant rumors, and -published them in a scandalous novelette, wherein the doctor was -represented as a ‘Cornuter<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_453" id="Page_453">[Pg 453]</a></span> of seventy-five,’ when, to please the damsel -who ‘warmed his aged heart,’—she was a blacksmith’s daughter,—the -doctor, long past threescore and ten, went to Paris, and learned to -dance.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 381px;"><img src="images/img133.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">AN AGED PUPIL.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Dr. Richard Mead died aged eighty-one. The sale of his library, pictures, -and statues brought the heirs eighty thousand dollars. His other effects -amounted to one hundred and seventy-five thousand dollars.</p> - -<p>Another Dr. Mead, uncle to the above, lived to the age of one hundred and -forty-nine years. Both of these physicians were remarkable for their -kindness and liberality. The latter left five pounds a year to the poor, -to continue forever.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_454" id="Page_454">[Pg 454]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Beauty not Potent with Ladies.</span></p> - -<p>A handsome person is not alone requisite to win the affections of a -sensible lady. Radcliffe, who was as great a humbug in affairs matrimonial -as in all other matters, was represented as being “handsome and imposing -in person;” but his overbearing manner, and his coarse flings at the -softer sex, made him anything but a favorite with the ladies. While he -professed to be a misogynist, he made several unsuccessful attempts, -particularly late in life, to commit himself to matrimony.</p> - -<p>A lady, with “a singing noise in her head,” asked what she should do for -it. “Curl your hair at night with a ballad,” was the coarse reply.</p> - -<p>Once, when sitting over a bottle of wine at a public house, Queen Anne -sent her servant for Dr. Radcliffe to hasten to her Royal Highness, who -was taken suddenly ill with what was vulgarly called “the blue devils,” to -which gormandizers are subject, but more properly termed indigestion. -“When the wine is in, the wits are out,” was readily demonstrated in this -case; for, on a second messenger arriving from the queen for her physician -to make all haste, Radcliffe banged his fist down on the board, at which -other physicians also sat, and exclaimed,—</p> - -<p>“Go tell her Royal Highness that she has nothing but the vapors.”</p> - -<p>When, on the following morning, the process being reversed,—the “wine was -out, and wits were in”—the doctor presented himself, with pomp and a show -of dignity, at St. James’, judge of his mortification, when the -chamberlain stopped him in the anteroom, and informed him that he was -already succeeded by Dr. Gibbons.</p> - -<p>The queen never forgave him for saying she had the “vapors.” Radcliffe -never forgave Dr. Gibbons for superseding him. “Nurse Gibbons,” he would -bitterly exclaim, “is only fit to look after nervous women, who only fancy -sickness.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_455" id="Page_455">[Pg 455]</a></span>When the doctor was forty-three years of age, he made love to a lady of -half his years, and followed with an offer of marriage, which was -accepted. As the fact became public, the doctor was warmly congratulated -upon his good fortune, for the lady was not only young, but was a beauty, -and an heiress to seventy-five thousand dollars.</p> - -<p>The wedding day was set, which was to crown Radcliffe’s happiness, when a -little drawback arose, which was not previously mentioned in the bills. -The peculiar condition of the beauty’s health rendered it expedient that, -instead of the doctor, she should marry her father’s book-keeper.</p> - -<p>The doctor’s acetous temper towards the fair sex was not lessened by this -mishap, nor were the ladies backward in giving him an occasional reminder -of the fact. Nevertheless, unlike the burnt child, that avoided the fire, -Radcliffe, sixteen years afterwards, made a second conspicuous throw of -the dice. He was then about sixty. He came out with a new and elegant -equipage, employed the most fashionable tailors, hatters, and wig-makers, -“who arrayed him in the newest modes of foppery, which threw all London -into fits of laughter, while he paid his addresses, with the greatest -possible publicity, to a lady who possessed every requisite charm,—youth, -beauty, and wealth,—except a tenderness for her aged suitor.</p> - -<p>“Behold, love has taken the place of avarice [the affair was thus aired in -a public print]; “or, rather, is become avarice of another kind, which -still urges him to pursue what he does not want. But behold the -metamorphosis! The anxious, mean cares of a usurer are turned into the -languishments and complaints of a lover. ‘Behold,’ says the aged -Æsculapian, ‘I submit; I own, great Love, thy empire. Pity, Hebe, the fop -you have made. What have I to do with gilding but on pills? Yet, O Fate, -for thee I sit amidst a crowd of painted deities on my chariot, buttoned -in gold, clasped in gold, without having any value for that beloved<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_456" id="Page_456">[Pg 456]</a></span> -metal, but as it adorns the hat, person, and laces of the dying lover. I -ask not to live, O Hebe! Give me gentle death. Euthanasia, Euthanasia! -That is all I implore.’</p> - -<p>“O Wealth, how impotent art thou, and how little dost thou supply us with -real happiness, when the usurer himself cannot forget thee for the love of -what is foreign to his felicity, as thou art!”</p> - -<p>Although Radcliffe denied his own sisters during his life, “lest they -should show their affection for him by dipping their hands in his -pockets,” some stories of his benevolence are told, one of which is, that -finding one Dr. James Drake, when “each had done the utmost to injure the -other,” broken down and in distressed circumstances, he sent by a lady -fifty guineas to his unfortunate enemy, saying,—</p> - -<p>“Let him by no means learn who sent it. He is a gentleman who has often -done his best to hurt me, and would by no means accept a benefit from one -whom he had striven to make an enemy.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Stable-boy, Poet, and Doctor.</span></p> - -<p>Poor George Crabbe, the poet-doctor-apothecary, had a very hard time in -this cold, unappreciative world, until Love smiled upon his unhappy lot. -He was born in the old sea-side town of Aldoborough, where his father was -salt inspector,—not an over-lucrative office in those days. George was -the eldest of a numerous family.</p> - -<p>From the common school he went to apprenticeship with a rough old country -doctor, who lodged him with the stable-boy. From this indignity he was, -however, soon released, and went to live with a kind gentleman, a surgeon -of Woodbridge. Here he began to write poetry. Here, also, he became -acquainted with a young surgeon, named Leavett, who introduced Crabbe to a -lovely young lady, with whom he fell desperately in love.</p> - -<p>This inestimable young lady resided at Parham Lodge<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_457" id="Page_457">[Pg 457]</a></span> with her uncle, John -Tovell, yeoman, and her name was Sarah Elmy. Mr. Tovell possessed an -estate worth four thousand dollars per annum, and, without assuming any -“airs,” was a first-class “yeoman” of that period—“one that already began -to be styled, by courtesy, an esquire.”</p> - -<p>“On Crabbe’s first introduction to Parham Lodge, he was received with -cordiality; but when it became known that he had fallen in love with the -squire’s niece, it was only natural that his presumption should at first -meet with the disapproval of Mrs. Tovell and the squire.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img134.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">BIRTHPLACE OF GEORGE CRABBE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>After closing his term of apprenticeship with Dr. Page, young Crabbe -returned to his native village, where he furnished a little shop with “a -pound’s worth of drugs,” and an array of empty bottles, and set himself up -as an apothecary. His few patients were only amongst the poorer class of -the town. Although he had plighted troth with the lovely Sarah at Parham -Lodge, with starvation staring him in the face at Aldoborough, and the -opposition of the lady’s family<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_458" id="Page_458">[Pg 458]</a></span> at the Lodge, there was little prospect -of bettering his condition in life. The temporary military appointments -which he received brought him no nearer his desired object. The lady -remained true to her vows; and long after his friend Leavett had quitted -the shores of time, and his new and true friend Burke had extended to the -promising author his patronage, she received the reward for her faithful -waiting.</p> - -<p>The union of Crabbe with Miss Elmy conferred eventually upon the poet, -doctor, and apothecary, the possession of the estate of “yeoman” -Tovell—Parham Lodge. A maiden sister of the squire’s, dying, left him a -considerable sum of money. The loving, waiting Sarah proved a faithful, -though some might say a somewhat domineering, wife, as the following -quotation intimates:—</p> - -<p>“I can screw Crabbe up or down, just like an old fiddle,” this amiable -woman was wont to say; and throughout her life she amply demonstrated the -assertion.</p> - -<p>“But her last will and testament was a handsome apology for all her past -little tiffs.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Right Man.</span></p> - -<p>A curious story is told, and vouched for, respecting the manner in which -Dr. and Rev. Thomas Dawson obtained a rich and pious wife. This gentleman -combined the two professions of preacher and doctor. If, during divine -services, he was called upon to prescribe for an invalid, he wound up his -sermon, requested his audience to pray for the sick, and repaired -forthwith to administer to the body. I presume the congregation to whom -the reasonable request was made did not take it in the same light as did -an “M. D.” of whom we heard, who made a point to be called out of church -every Sabbath.</p> - -<p>Once the minister, who had a bit of humor in his manner, stopped on a -certain occasion in his “thirdly,” and said,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_459" id="Page_459">[Pg 459]</a></span> “Dr. B. is wanted to attend -upon Mr. ——, and may the Lord have mercy upon him.”</p> - -<p>The doctor was so enraged at this “insinuation” that he called upon the -parson, and demanded an “apology to the congregation, before whom he felt -he had been grossly slandered.”</p> - -<p>The parson agreed to this proposal, and in the afternoon he arose and -said,—</p> - -<p>“As Dr. B. feels aggrieved at my remark of this morning, and demands an -apology, I hereby offer the same; and as that was the first case, I trust -it may be the last in which I am ever called upon in his behalf to -supplicate divine intervention.”</p> - -<p>But to return to Dr. Dawson. Amongst his patients was a Miss Mary Corbett, -said to be one of the wealthiest and most pious of his flock, whom, on his -calling upon her one day, he found bending in reverence over the Bible.</p> - -<p>The doctor approached, and as she raised her eyes to his she held her -finger upon the passage which occupied her immediate attention. The doctor -bent down and read the words at which her finger pointed—“Thou art the -man.”</p> - -<p>The doctor was not slow to take the hint. Thus he obtained a pious wife, -she a devout husband.—<i>See “Book About Doctors.”</i></p> - -<p>A great deal has been reported respecting the “off-hand” manner in which -Abernethy “popped the question” to Miss Anne Threlfall. The fact of the -case is given by Dr. Macilwain. The lady was visiting at a place where the -doctor was attending a patient—of all places the best to learn the true -merits of a lady. He was at once interested in her, and ere long there -seemed a tacit understanding between them. “The doctor was shy and -sensitive; which was the real Rubicon he felt a difficulty in passing; and -this was the method he adopted: he wrote her a brief note, pleading -professional occupation, etc., and requesting the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_460" id="Page_460">[Pg 460]</a></span> lady to take a -fortnight in which to consider her reply.” From these facts a great -falsehood has oft been repeated how he “couldn’t afford time to make -love,” etc., and that she must decide to marry him in a week, or not at -all.</p> - -<p>He was married to her January 9, 1800, and attended lectures the same day.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 248px;"><img src="images/img135.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“POPPING THE QUESTION.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Many years after, I met him coming out of the hospital, and said,—</p> - -<p>“‘You are looking very gay to-day, sir.’</p> - -<p>“‘Yes,’ he replied, looking at his white vest and smart attire, ‘one of -the girls was married this morning.’</p> - -<p>“‘Indeed, sir? You should have given yourself a holiday on such an -occasion, and not come down to lecture.’</p> - -<p>“‘Nay,’ he replied, ‘egad, I came down to lecture the same day I was -married myself.’”—<i>Memoirs of Abernethy.</i></p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img136.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_461" id="Page_461">[Pg 461]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XVIII" id="XVIII"></a>XVIII.</h2> -<p class="title">MIND AND MATTER.</p> - -<p class="note">“The evidence of sense is the first and highest kind of evidence of -which human nature is capable.”—<span class="smcap">Wilkins.</span></p> - -<p class="note">“They choose darkness rather than light because their deeds are -evil.”—<span class="smcap">Scripture.</span></p> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>IN WHICH ANIMAL MAGNETISM, MESMERISM, AND CLAIRVOYANCE ARE -EXPLAINED.—“THE IGNORANT MONOPOLY.”—YET ROOM FOR DISCOVERIES.—A -“GASSY” SUBJECT.—DRS. CHAPIN AND BEECHER.—HE “CAN’T SEE IT.”—THE -ROYAL TOUCH.—GASSNER.—“THE DEVIL KNOWS LATIN.”—ROYALTY IN THE -SHADE.—THE IRISH PROPHET; HE VISITS LONDON.—A COMICAL -CROWD.—MESMERISM.—A FUNNY BED-FELLOW.—CLAIRVOYANCE.—THE GATES OF -MOSCOW.—THE DOCTOR OF ANTWERP.—THE OLD LADY IN THE -POKE-BONNET.—VISIT TO A CLAIRVOYANT.—“FORETELLING” THE PAST.—THE -OLD WOMAN OF THE PENOBSCOT MOUNTAINS.—A SECRET KEPT.—CUI -BONO?—VISITS TO SEVENTEEN CLAIRVOYANTS.—A BON-TON CLAIRVOYANT.—A -BOUNCER.—RIDICULOSITY.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>Mind and matter!</p> - -<p>What is the connection?</p> - -<p>Why does one’s yawning set a whole room full to yawning?</p> - -<p>What is the unseen power, appropriated mostly by the ignorant, which at -times controls another weaker mind, or, for the time being, controls -disease? The majority of medical men “get around” this question by denying -the whole proposition. But that does not satisfy the jury—the people. The -great community know that there is some unseen power, which is partially -developed in certain persons, which has great controlling influence over -certain other persons;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_462" id="Page_462">[Pg 462]</a></span> hence over their diseases, especially mental or -nervous diseases.</p> - -<p>I hope to be able to explain something of this “phenomenon.”</p> - -<p>Those who practise it know nothing of its <i>modus operandi</i>, any more than -the bird that sings on yonder willow knows of the science of music.</p> - -<p>To the common suggestion, “It’s spirits,” I say, No, <i>no</i>!</p> - -<p>If it were “spirits,” why does the spirit always seek a <i>low organization</i> -through which to manifest itself? There are few exceptions to this rule.</p> - -<p>It is unnatural, inconsistent with the divine attributes for the -supernatural to mingle with the natural. The circulation of the blood was -once attributed to the action of the sun—hence a man fell asleep at -sunset—and to supernatural causes.</p> - -<p>Science has done away with these absurd notions.</p> - -<p>“It is a manifestation of divine power,” say others.</p> - -<p>Well, for that matter, everything is; but <i>directly</i> it is not, for what -answers the “spirit” suggestion answers this one also. Divine power cannot -be limited.</p> - -<p>For want of a better name, let us call this power “animal magnetism.”</p> - -<p>The man who controls the mind of another, or another’s disease, through -his mind, must possess the following requisites: First, health; second, -will; third, faith that he can control the subject. No <i>reasoning</i> is -necessary. The less causality he possesses, the better. The less reasoning -faculties, the better he can perform.</p> - -<p>Why?</p> - -<p>Animal magnetism is an animal power—not a spiritual. All the animal -qualities—organs—are located in the back and lower part of the brain. -They act independent of reason. Passions have no reason. The affections -have no reason. Anger and hate have none. The force, driving<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_463" id="Page_463">[Pg 463]</a></span> power of -man is centred back of the ears. The cerebellum, or lower brain, acts -independent of reason. Birds, and most of the animals, possess all the -qualities that the cerebellum of man contains.</p> - -<p>The upper brain—the cerebrum—is the instrument of our thoughts—our -reason. In sleep, it is still; its action is suspended. Hence there is no -reason in our dreams. The motive power is in the lower brain; hence -somnambulism. If there is anything of a “trance” nature, it means shutting -off the action of the cerebrum, and concentring the power in the -cerebellum. Some persons have but little upper brain. If they have the -other requisites, they may become good clairvoyants, or magnetizers, -according to the manner in which they exercise the animal power.</p> - -<p>I have yet to find a professional clairvoyant with large or active -reasoning (intellectual) qualities.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Yet Room for more Discoveries.</span></p> - -<p>The <i>living</i> blood has not yet been analyzed. It contains a vitalizing -element which chemistry has not yet been adequate to detect. There is yet -as much to be discovered in the science of life as has already been -revealed to man. It will yet be found out.</p> - -<p>How is the power, or force, conveyed from the operator to the person -operated upon? Through what medium does it act?</p> - -<p>Let us begin with the brain. Let us take a ball of cotton for our -illustration. We draw out a piece from it, and spin it out to our fancy. -It is a thread, but <i>cotton</i> still, twisted to a fine string. The brain is -located at the top of man. By means of fine threads, called nerves, the -brain is distributed over the entire body, so completely that you cannot -stick a pin in the flesh without touching a nerve, wounding the brain. -Suspend the entire action of the brain, as by ether, chloroform, or -nitrous oxygen gas, and sticking the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_464" id="Page_464">[Pg 464]</a></span> pin is not felt. Partially suspend -the action, as by a small quantity of the nitrous oxygen gas, and the -force of the brain (or active force) is centred upon the lower brain, and -the man under its influence acts out his animal nature in spite of reason.</p> - -<p>A man, I hold, who magnetizes or mesmerizes another, uses only the force -of the lower brain. Like begets like. He cannot affect a person of large -intellectual organs; only one with the animal organs active.</p> - -<p>You cannot <i>see</i> the gas, yet it affects the person. You cannot see the -subtile power conveyed from one man to a weaker. He conveys it by -touch—nerve to nerve. I believe science will yet discover just what this -subtile agent is—both in the blood and nerves; for it is in both, or why -does the suspension of it in one destroy the other? Destroy the nerve, and -the corresponding blood-vessel is inactive. Destroy the blood-vessel, and -the corresponding nerve suffers.</p> - -<p>It is the power that the mother exercises to hush her sobbing babe to -slumber. As the child gathers strength of mind, she loses that control. A -person may be used as a mesmeric subject until he becomes a mere idiotic -machine. Educate a clairvoyant doctor, and what becomes of his clairvoyant -power? It is lost with the increase of intellectual power. Now, is this a -“divine” quality, that only ignorance can make use of? Is it really -“hidden from the wise and prudent, and given to babes?” All sciences were -practised by the uneducated first, before being reduced to a <i>science</i>. I -think this will be yet reduced to a useful science. As it now stands, it -is useless. If it is a spirit power, the spirits are mighty silent as to -the fact.</p> - -<p>We come into this world by natural causes. We live, grow, exist, and we -die by natural causes. We brought no knowledge with us; we carry none out. -All the qualities yet developed in man are natural, and adapted to this -life. Millions upon millions have so lived and so died, and a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_465" id="Page_465">[Pg 465]</a></span> spirit -power in <i>this</i> world is no nearer to being established than it was when -Adam was a little boy. All that heretofore has been attributed to spirit, -or supernatural causes, has been proven to be but natural. I claim that -magnetism and the undiscovered sciences are natural, and have no -connection with the next world, to which we tend. The human eye, to some -extent, is magnetic. A blind man cannot thrill an audience; hardly can an -orator with glasses over his eyes. Dr. Chapin approaches the nearest to -it. Dr. Beecher’s great magnetic power is in his eyes, and is also let off -at the ends of his fingers. But to <i>thoroughly</i> magnetize a person, he -must be <i>touched</i>.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Power of the Human Eye.</span></p> - -<p>A wild animal has only small reasoning organs. The influence of the human -eye is potent over him. Lichtenstein says, “The African hunters avail -themselves of the circumstance that the lion does not attempt to spring -upon his prey until he has measured the ground, and has reached the -distance of ten or twelve paces, when he lies crouching on the ground, -gathering himself up for the effort. The hunters,” he says, “make it a -rule never to fire on the lion until he lies down at this short distance, -so that they can aim directly at his head with the most perfect certainty. -If one meets a lion, his only safety is to stand still, though the animal -crouches to make his spring; that spring will not be hazarded if the man -remain motionless, and look him steadfastly in the eyes. The animal -hesitates, rises, slowly retreats some steps, looks earnestly about him, -lies down, again retreats, till, getting by degrees quite out of the magic -circle of man’s influence, he takes flight in the utmost haste.”</p> - -<p>It is said of Valentine Greatrakes, the great magnetizer and forerunner of -Mesmer, that the glance of his eye had a marvellously fascinating -influence upon people of a susceptible or nervous organization. All -magnetizers, etc., who have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_466" id="Page_466">[Pg 466]</a></span> tried their powers upon the writer, first -bent a sharp, scrutinizing gaze upon the eye of their unruly subject. Yet -they have exercised no <i>reason</i> in selecting the subject.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 448px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img137.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE LION MAGNETIZED.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I attended the exhibitions of Professor Cadwell, night after night, in -Boston. I went on the stage. I examined the subjects whom he controlled -“like an old fiddle,” and, physiognomically and phrenologically, not one -of them was above mediocrity intellectually, and the most of them were far -below. The best subjects had the least intellectuality. His control over -them was astonishing. In some he could suspend the power of memory, others -all the reasoning<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_467" id="Page_467">[Pg 467]</a></span> faculties. Some he could control muscularly, some -mentally.</p> - -<p>“This is a hot stove,” he said, setting an empty chair before the row of -men, boys, and girls sitting along the wall side of the stage. “<i>It is -very hot</i>;” and they began drawing back—all but one. “Don’t you see the -stove, and feel the awful heat, Frank?” he asked of one hard subject.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 198px;"><img src="images/img138.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A HARD SUBJECT.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“I can feel the heat, but I can’t see the stove in that chair,” was his -droll reply.</p> - -<p>The professor could make this gentleman forget his name, but could not -make him believe that “a silk hat was a basin of water.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Royal Touch.</span></p> - -<p>The old ignorant kings and queens were said to remove the scrofula (king’s -evil) by the touch. Gouty old Queen Anne was the last to exercise the -royal prerogative to any extent.</p> - -<p>A scrofulous <i>development</i> is the result of imperfect action, and -obstruction of some one or more of the five excretory organs of the human -system. These are the skin (or glands of the same), the lungs, the liver, -the kidneys, and the colon. The most that the regular physician does in -scrofula (or one<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_468" id="Page_468">[Pg 468]</a></span> who is not a specialist in this branch of physic) is to -attend to the general health of the patient of a scrofulous diathesis, -build up the strength, and endeavor to increase the vitality. This <i>in a -measure</i> tends to reduce the scrofulous development. Now, will not a child -sleeping continually with an aged person or invalid tend to reduce the -vitality of the child? Yes, it absorbs the disease of the one, while the -vitality is thrown off for the benefit of the weaker person. Here, you -see, one person may partake of the vitality of another by touch. Then may -not the continued touch of a healthy person (king or subject) affect the -health of a weaker, on the principle of increased vitality?</p> - -<p>But it really removes no cause, hence cannot take the place of an -alterative, or anti-scrofulous medicine. The “crew of wretched souls” who -waited the king’s touch really believed that he “solicits Heaven.” Hence -the cure. The coin which he hung about the neck of these “strangely -visited people, all swollen and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye,” called -their attention continually to “the healing benediction.”</p> - -<p>Pyrrhus, who was placed upon the throne by force of arms B. C. 306, was -said to cure the “evil” by the “grace of God.” Valentine, who only held -his throne—A. D. 375—by the help of Theodosius, not by the “grace of -God”—claimed to cure scrofula by the latter power, as did Valentine II., -whose wicked temper ended his life in a “fit of passion.”</p> - -<p>The subject of the following sketch claimed also divine power:—</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Herr Gassner. “The Devil understands Latin.”</span></p> - -<p>It seems from the following truthful account of Herr Gassner, a clergyman -at Elwangen, that the devil can understand Latin, as well as “quote -Scripture.” About the year 1758 this clergyman became so celebrated in -curing diseases by animal magnetism, that the people came flocking from -Switzerland, the Tyrol, and Swabia, in great numbers, to be cured of -all sorts of ailments, a thousand persons arriving at a time, who had to -lodge in tents, as the town could not lodge them all.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_469" id="Page_469">[Pg 469]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 398px;"><img src="images/img139.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">GASSNER HEALING “BY THE GRACE OF GOD.”</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_470" id="Page_470">[Pg 470]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_471" id="Page_471">[Pg 471]</a></span>His <i>modus operandi</i> was as follows. Dressed in a long scarlet cloak, a -silken sash about his loins, a chain about his neck, and wearing, or -holding in one hand, a crucifix, and touching with the other the diseased -part, and in the Latin tongue commanding the disease, or the evil spirit, -whichever the case was termed, to depart, in the name of Jesus Christ, the -patient was usually healed. Dr. Schlisel says, that Gassner “spoke chiefly -in Latin, in his operations, and the devil is said to have understood him -perfectly.”</p> - -<p>The Austrian government gave him its assistance. The excitement became -great. Elwangen was overcrowded by people, rich and poor. Riches flowed -into the coffers of its trades-people, though Gassner took nothing -directly for his cures. Hundreds of patients arrived daily; the apothecary -gained a great revenue from dispensing simples ordered by Gassner, -principally powder of <i>blessed thistle</i>, oils, and washes. The printers -labored day and night at their presses in order to furnish sufficient -pamphlets, prayers, pictures, etc., for the eager horde of admirers. The -goldsmiths were crowded, also, to furnish all kinds of <i>Agni Dei</i>, -crosses, charms, hearts, and rings. Even the beggars had their harvest, as -well as bakers, hotel-keepers, and the rest.</p> - -<p>During seven years he carried on his public cures. Hundreds of physicians -went to see him. Mesmer, in answer to the inquiry of the Elector of -Bavaria, declared his astonishing cures were produced merely by the -exercise of magnetic spiritual excitement, of which he himself (claiming -no God-like power) gave to the elector convincing proofs on the spot.</p> - -<p>On the contrary, Gassner claimed that he could heal none unless they -exercised faith. His surroundings, trappings,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_472" id="Page_472">[Pg 472]</a></span> dress, crucifixes, appeals -to Jesus Christ, and Latin mummery, had the effect to impress the patient -with faith in Gassner’s Christ-like powers.</p> - -<p>“Some,” says Dr. Schlisel, “described him as a prophetic and holy man; -others accused him of being a fantastic fellow, an impostor, and leagued -with the devil. Some accused him of dealing in the black art; others -attributed his cures to the magnet, to electricity, to sympathy, to -imagination; and some attributed the whole to the omnipotent power of the -name of Christ.”</p> - -<p>Having touched or rubbed the affected part of the patient, Gassner, in a -“loud, proud voice,” commanded the disease to come forth, or to manifest -itself. Sometimes he had to repeat this command ten times. Then, when the -part was presented, he seized it with both hands; he inspired the patient -to himself repel the disease, by saying, “Depart from me, in the name of -Jesus Christ.”</p> - -<p>“He then gave the patient his blessing by spreading his cloak over the -head, grasping his neck or head in both hands, repeating a silent, earnest -prayer, making the sign of the cross, ordering some simple from the -apothecary’s, which he consecrates, compels the patient to wash his hands -clean, when he is permitted to ‘depart in peace.’</p> - -<p>“Most diseases he cured instantly. Some required months, and others he -could not affect in the least.”</p> - -<p>There is but one philosophical way to account for these cures. To say -there is nothing in it, or, “It is all humbug,” will not satisfy the -people. To affirm it is the arts of the devil is merely nonsensical. It is -<i>influence</i>. Of what? Of one powerful mind over another. And when Gassner -found a mind equally as powerful as his own, the disease refused to -depart. There you have the whole of it, “in a nutshell,”—the exercising -of one mind over another; and mind (not unusually) controls matter in the -living body.</p> - -<p>For about seven years Gassner was a public healer, and then he suddenly -and forever disappeared.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_473" id="Page_473">[Pg 473]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Royalty in the Shade.</span></p> - -<p>Sir John Fortesque, the learned legal writer of the time of Edward IV., -spoke of the gift of healing by touch as a “time immemorial privilege of -the kings of England.” He very seriously attributed the virtue to the -unction imparted to the hands in the coronation. Elizabeth was not -superior to this superstition, and she frequently appeared before the -people in the character of a miraculous healer. There was formerly a -regular office in the English Book of Common Prayer for the performance of -this ceremony. The curious reader is referred to Macbeth, Scene III. of -Act IV. for further particulars.</p> - -<p>With the rise of Valentine Greatrakes, the “royal prerogative” received a -staggering blow. The marvellous cures of this man, living in Ireland, -reached England, and the king invited him to come to London; and along his -journey, whither he was preceded by the returning messenger, we are told -that the magistrates of the towns and cities waited upon Valentine, and -begged him to remain and heal their sick.</p> - -<p>On his arrival, the king, “though not fully persuaded of his wonderful -gift, recommended him to the care of his physician, and permitted him to -practise his power as much as he pleased in London.”</p> - -<p>Greatrakes had no medical education, nor claimed aught beyond a gift of -healing most diseases by “stroking the parts with his hand.” He is -described as being a man of “commanding address, frank and pleasing, -having a brilliant eye, gallant bearing, fine figure, and a remarkably -handsome face. With a hearty and musical voice, and a natural stock of -high <i>animal</i> spirits, he was the delight of all festive assemblies. Yet -he was a devout man.”</p> - -<p>Daily there assembled a great number of people, invalids from all parts of -the kingdom, to be healed, and to see the wonderful miracles performed by -a <i>man</i>! Here congregated<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_474" id="Page_474">[Pg 474]</a></span> the dropsical, those afflicted by unsightly -sores, tumors, and swellings, the lame, the halt, and the blind. “Some he -could not affect, but the most of them he cured.” The only visible means -he took was to stroke, or at times violently rub, the part affected. Lord -Conway wrote in his praise, but added, “After all, I am far from thinking -his cures miraculous. I believe it is by a <i>sanative virtue</i> and a -<i>natural efficiency</i>, which extend not to all diseases.” The Viscountess -Conway was afflicted by an inveterate headache, which he could not remove. -This lady was a positive character. The failure was attributed to the -<i>peculiar</i> disease, when it should have been assigned to the peculiarity -of the person. Sir Evremond, then at court, wrote a sarcastic novel on the -subject of “The Irish Prophet.” The Royal Society held a meeting on the -subject, and, unable to refute the facts of his cures, accounted for them -as being “produced by a sanative contagion in Mr. Greatrakes’ body, which -had an antipathy to some peculiar diseases, and not to others.” They -demanded (particularly Dr. Loyd, in a “severe pamphlet”) how he cured, and -why he cured some, and could not others. Greatrakes replied that he was -not able to tell. And “let them,” he said, “tell me what substance that is -which removes and goes out with such expedition, and it will be more easy -to resolve their questions.”</p> - -<p>To the scandalous reports respecting his operations upon female patients, -without referring directly to such report, he says, attributing the -diseases to evil spirits, “which kind of pains cannot endure my hand, nay, -not with gloves, but fly immediately, though six or eight coats or cloaks -be between the person and my hand, as at the Lady Ranelagh’s,” etc.</p> - -<p>The clergy had previously taken alarm, and cited Valentine before the -Bishop’s Court to account for his proceedings, and when he took a -scriptural view of his cures, he was forbidden to practise more; which was -as preposterous as the decree of Louis XIV., which commanded that no more<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_475" id="Page_475">[Pg 475]</a></span> -miracles should be performed at the tomb of the Abbé Paris.</p> - -<p>Neither the clergy nor the faculty could prevent him, and daily the crowd -of representatives of heterogeneous diseases made pilgrimages to the -Squire of Affam. The scene was said to be ludicrously painful. They came -in crowds from everywhere; on foot and in carriages; the young and the -aged; some hobbling upon crutches, others literally crawling along; the -blind carrying the cripple upon his back, while the latter directed the -way, and the deaf and dumb followed in their wake.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 237px;"><img src="images/img140.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">NO LACK OF PATIENTS.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>While the lord mayor and the chief justice, with great physicians, were -among his vehement supporters of the sterner sex, the majority of his real -admirers were the ladies. The lovely Countess of Devonshire entertained -him in her palace, and other high ladies lionized him nightly in their -parlors, where he “performed his pleasant operations, with wonderful -results, on the prettiest and most hysterical ladies present.” “But his -triumph was of short duration. His professions were made the butts of -ridicule, to which his presence of mind and volubility were unable to -effectually<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_476" id="Page_476">[Pg 476]</a></span> respond. His tone of conversation was represented by his -enemies as compounded of the blasphemy of the religious enthusiast and the -obscene profligate. His boast that he never received a fee for remedial -services was met by a square contradiction, and a statement that he -received five hundred dollars at once.” Finally, the tide of opposition -and slander became too strong for him, and he returned to his native land, -and to oblivion.</p> - -<p>We are indebted to several authorities for the foregoing sketch of -Greatrakes, particularly Chambers’ Miscellany, Lord Conway, E. Rich, and -Jeaffreson.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Mesmerism.</span></p> - -<p>Frederick Anthony Mesmer, to whose name the above <i>ism</i> is affixed, was -born in Werseburg, in 1734. He neither discovered, developed, nor -understood anything of the art which has immortalized him. He was a -designing, audacious man. If Gassner, Prince Hohenloe, and Greatrakes were -falsely accused of dealing with the devil, Mesmer was truly leagued with a -Father Hell. Father Hell was professor of astronomy at Vienna, where -Mesmer obtained a medical diploma, and where he was connected at first -with Maximilian Hell in magnetic instruments. Having a falling out with -the latter, Mesmer resorted to the arts of his great predecessor, -Greatrakes, but professed to cure, without the help of God or man, all -curable diseases. He produced marvellous effects (but only temporary, -however) in both Vienna and Paris, to which latter place he repaired to -practise animal magnetism.</p> - -<p>Among the little episodes relative to his treatment is one of Madame -Campan, a lady of the royal household, author of “Memoires de Marie -Antoinette.” The husband of this celebrated lady sent for Dr. Mesmer—for -all Paris was running mad after him—to cure him of lung fever. He came -with great pomp, and having timed the pulse, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_477" id="Page_477">[Pg 477]</a></span> made certain inquiries -respecting the case, he gravely informed the husband and wife that it was -not in the way of magnetism, and the only mode of cure lay in the -following: “You must lay by his side”—for he was confined to his -bed—“one of three things, an old empty bottle, a black hen, or a young -woman of brown complexion.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 359px;"><img src="images/img141.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“A BOTTLE, A HEN, OR A WOMAN.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“‘Sir,’ exclaimed the wife, ‘let us try the empty bottle first.’</p> - -<p>“The bottle was tried, with what result is easily imagined. Monsieur -Campan grew worse. Improving the opportunity of the lady’s absence, Mesmer -bled and blistered the patient, who recovered.</p> - -<p>“Imagine the lady’s astonishment when Mesmer asked for and actually -obtained a written certificate of cure by magnetism” (Mesmerism).</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_478" id="Page_478">[Pg 478]</a></span>This is more easily believed when one learns that Mesmer obtained his -degree on an address, or thesis, relating to “planetary influence on the -human body,” and that afterwards, in answer to the inquiry by a learned -Paris physician, who asked him why he ordered his patients to bathe in the -Seine, instead of spring water, as the waters of the Seine were always -dirty, Mesmer replied,—</p> - -<p>“Why, my dear doctor, the cause of the water which is exposed to the sun’s -rays being superior to all other water is, that it is magnetized by the -sun. I myself magnetized the sun some twenty years ago.”</p> - -<p>All that sort of fellows have ever a short course. Mesmer reached his -zenith in Paris about the year 1784, when, for one year’s practice, he -received the enormous sum of four hundred thousand francs. The government, -at the instigation of Count Maurepas, had previously offered him an -annuity of twenty thousand francs, with ten thousand francs additional, to -support a college hospital, if he would remain and practise only in -France. “One unpleasant condition was attached to this offer, which -prevented its acceptance; viz., three nominees of the crown were to watch -the proceedings.”</p> - -<p>The government appointed a commission, consisting of Dr. Guillotin, and -three other physicians, and five members of the Academy,—Franklin, -Bailly, Borey, Leroi, and Lavoisier,—to examine the means employed by -Mesmer. The result of the investigation—the discovery of his battery, -which he termed the <i>baquet</i>, around which his patients assembled, and his -windy pretensions to the self-possession of some animal magnetism beyond -even his disciples, Bergasse and Deslon—was unfavorable to the truth of -animal magnetism and morality, and the enthusiasm in his favor rapidly -subsided. Mesmer soon found it convenient to repair to London. Here he -made no great impression; his day had gone by.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_479" id="Page_479">[Pg 479]</a></span>He died in his native town, in all but penury and obscurity, in 1815.</p> - -<p>Clairvoyance now made its appearance, which was but a different phase of -magnetism, and Mesmerism was soon but indifferently practised in France. -In England the faculty entirely ignored it.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Clairvoyance.</span></p> - -<p>What is it? The word is French, meaning, literally, clear-sightedness. It -is a power attributed to certain persons, or claimed by certain persons, -of seeing things not visible to the eye, or things at a distance. It is -the action of mind over mind,—the seeing, mentally, of one mind through -another.</p> - -<p>By personal experiment with clairvoyants, I am positively convinced that -they follow the mind (thoughts) of the subject or patient. I have laid out -my programme before visiting one, and the operator, whether pretending or -not to a “trance” state, has followed that course to the end, but usually -adding something which was conjectural. Practice helps them very much. But -the most of those persons, male and female, who proclaim themselves -clairvoyants, are humbugs and impostors.</p> - -<p>Let any clear-headed man, who has good intellectual qualities, go to a -good clairvoyant, and try the above plan. Think out just the places and -persons you wish the clairvoyant (or spiritualist, if he or she choose to -call themselves such) to bring up. Stick firmly to your text, and the -operator will follow it, if he or she is a clairvoyant. They can tell you -nothing that you do not already know. If they go beyond that, it is -guessed at.</p> - -<p>No person of large causality can be a clairvoyant. The moment they employ -cause and effect, they are lost in doubt. How else can you account for -nearly all the professional clairvoyants (and spiritualists) being persons -of low <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_480" id="Page_480">[Pg 480]</a></span>intellectuality? Of course they deny this; but a fact is a fact, -and <i>it can’t be rubbed out</i>!</p> - -<p>There is a magnetizing feature in clairvoyance. The operator can make some -persons <i>think</i> they see a thing, when it is an impossibility to see it. -This influence is sometimes passed from one person to another -imperceptibly.</p> - -<p>When the earthquake shook up the minds of the Bostonians, in 1870, there -was one grand illustration of this fact. A gentleman standing in front of -the Old State House, on Washington Street, soon after the shock, asserted -that the earthquake had started a stone in the front end of the Sears -Building.</p> - -<p>“There! don’t you see it?” he exclaimed to the people on the sidewalk, who -are always ready to stop and look at any new or curious object, as he -pointed towards an imaginary crack in the marble. “It is just above the -corner of that window there”—pointing—“a crack in the stone a foot -long.”</p> - -<p>“O, yes, I see it,” said one and another; and the gentleman moved on, -leaving the gaping crowd to gaze after the imaginary rent in the wall.</p> - -<p>“Where is it?” inquired a new comer.</p> - -<p>“Right up there over the door,” replied one.</p> - -<p>“No, over that third window,” said another.</p> - -<p>Some “saw it,” and others didn’t “see it,” but all day long the tide of -curious humans ebbed and flowed. At eight o’clock in the morning I took a -look—not at the broken stone in the marble front, but at the magnetized -crowd looking upon an imaginary break. People with large causality looked, -exclaimed, “Pooh!” and went on. The credulous stood gazing, and pointing -out the rent to the “blind ones, who wouldn’t see,” hour after hour. At -noon I again visited the scene. The crowd had shifted, but the same class, -male and female, stood gazing at the “calico building,” and the same sort -of people “saw the crack over the window.”</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_481" id="Page_481">[Pg 481]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 325px;"><img src="images/img142.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">EFFECTS OF AN EARTHQUAKE.</p> -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 331px;"><img src="images/img143.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A BELIEVER SEES HIS GRANDMOTHER.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_482" id="Page_482">[Pg 482]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_483" id="Page_483">[Pg 483]</a></span>At six P. M., I again visited the Old State House, and at dusk still -again, to behold the crowd straining to get a last look at the rent before -darkness shut out the view. On the following day, the scene was repeated, -with no mitigation. The fact of the papers denying that there was any rent -went for nothing. The crowd came and went, from morning till evening.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Gates of Moscow.</span></p> - -<p>Some readers may remember the story of the great Wizard of the North, who -performed such marvellous feats before the czar, receiving from his -highness a splendid present in money, and finally wound up by announcing -that he would leave the city of Moscow on the following day, at twelve M., -<i>by all the gates of the city at the same time</i>!</p> - -<p>The watchmen were doubled at all the gates, to whom a description of the -man was sent, and a sharp lookout was commanded, when, lo! just at noon -the wizard was seen leaving the city at each separate outlet at the same -moment. Of course he could not have left by but one gate, but which of the -twelve no one could tell, for he was seen at all, or the watchmen were -made to believe that they saw him, as he passed out. To this the watchmen -of the several gates testified, and that he uncovered his head to them, as -he went past.</p> - -<p>At which gate did he really make his exit? The beautiful gate Spass -Voratu, or Gate of the Redeemer, has over the archway a picture of the -Saviour. All who pass out here are compelled to uncover. Hence it is my -belief, as he was seen uncovered, that this was the gate at which he -really went out, and at all the rest the watchmen imagined they saw the -wizard make his marvellous exit from Moscow.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_484" id="Page_484">[Pg 484]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Doctor of Antwerp.</span></p> - -<p>Townsend, on Mesmerism, tells an instructing and amusing anecdote of a -test, by a learned doctor of Antwerp, upon a clairvoyant girl. The doctor -was allowed, at a seance, to select his own test, when he said,—</p> - -<p>“If the somnambulist”—that was what he termed her—“tells me what is in -my pocket, I will believe.” Then to her he put the question,—</p> - -<p>“What is in my pocket?”</p> - -<p>“A case of lancets,” was the reply.</p> - -<p>“True,” said the doctor, somewhat startled. “But the young lady may know -that I am a medical man; hence her guess that I carry a case of -instruments in my pocket. But if she will tell me the number of lancets in -the case, I will believe.”</p> - -<p>“Ten,” was the correct answer.</p> - -<p>Still the doctor was sceptical, and said,—</p> - -<p>“I cannot yet believe but if the form of the case is described I must -yield to conviction.” And the form of the case was given.</p> - -<p>“This certainly is very singular,” said the doctor, “but still I cannot -believe. Now, if the young lady will give the color of the velvet lining -of the case, I really <i>must</i> believe.”</p> - -<p>“The color is dark blue,” was her prompt reply.</p> - -<p>“True, true!” said the puzzled doctor, and he went away, saying, “It is -very curious, very, but still I cannot believe.”</p> - -<p>Now, if the doctor had not known that the case was in his pocket, or no -one present had known beforehand, no clairvoyant could have described it. -What does this prove? That her mind was led by his inquiry to his mind, -thence to the article on his mind at the moment. “This is a book” I say. -The fact of my saying it, or thinking it, leads my mind to the book.</p> - -<p>As a person may look towards an object, as out of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_485" id="Page_485">[Pg 485]</a></span> window towards a -tree, and not see it till his mind is directed to it, so, on the other -hand, he may have his mind (thoughts) directed to a thing that his eyes -cannot see, and in a person whose superior brain is susceptible, it maybe -reflected so vividly as to permit a description of the object.</p> - -<p>One may walk over a stream, upon stones, or ground, and not realize the -fact till the mind is directed to it; and the thing may be reversed, and a -susceptible person may be led to think that he or she is walking over or -through water when none is present. The mind must be directed to an object -in order to see it mentally.</p> - -<p>A gentleman recently told me that a “medium brought up his old -grandmother.”</p> - -<p>“How did she describe the old lady as appearing?” I asked.</p> - -<p>“In woollen dress and poke bonnet, with specs on, just as she used to -appear when I was a boy, forty years ago.”</p> - -<p>“I should have thought the fashions would have changed in the unseen -world, even if the clothes had not worn out in forty years’ service,” I -suggested.</p> - -<p>This slightly staggered him, but he replied, “Perhaps fashions do not -change in the spirit-world.”</p> - -<p>“Then ladies can never be happy there. Besides, what a jolly, comical set -they must be down there; the newer fashions appearing hourly in beautiful -contrast with the ancient styles; especially the janty, little, precious -morsels called hats of to-day, all covered with magnificent ribbons, and -flowers, and laces, in contrast with the great ark-like, sombre poke -bonnets of forty and a hundred years ago!”</p> - -<p>“Sir,” I said, when he did not reply to this last poser,—“Sir, bring your -stock of common sense to bear upon the matter, and see that the mind of -the medium controlled yours, and led you to believe you saw, as the medium -did, through your thoughts, your ancient grandmother; for how else would -you imagine her, but as you remembered her, in woollen gown, poke bonnet, -and spectacles.”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_486" id="Page_486">[Pg 486]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Visits to a Clairvoyant.</span></p> - -<p>Twenty-five years ago, I visited Madam Young, in Ellsworth, Me.</p> - -<p>“You are going a journey,” she soon said, after I was seated, and she had -examined my “bumps” to learn that I was a rolling stone. “You are going -south-west from here.” “Marvellous!” one might say, who had little -reflective qualities of brain, for that was the very thing I was about to -do. But from Ellsworth, Maine, which way else could one go, without going -“south-west,” unless he really went to the “jumping-off place, away down -east?”</p> - -<p>Again I visited her in Charleston, S. C.</p> - -<p>“You are going a journey soon,” she informed me.</p> - -<p>“Which way?” I amusingly inquired.</p> - -<p>“Towards the north,” was the necessary reply.</p> - -<p>Charleston is at the extremity of a neck of land. I was not expected to -jump off into the bay, by going southward, and her answer was the only -rational one. She would minutely describe any person, “good, bad, or -indifferent,” whom I would fix my mind upon. I was suffering at the time -with bronchitis, which she correctly stated. She was the best clairvoyant -I have ever tested. She died at Hartford, in 1862.</p> - -<p>The following item of the press does not refer to Madam Young:—</p> - -<p>A clairvoyant doctor of Hartford proclaims his superiority over other -seers on the ground that he “foretells the past and present as well as the -future.” We should say he would probably “foretell” them much better. As -the Irishman said, one gets on better when one goes backward or stands -still.</p> - -<p>I noticed his advertisement in a Providence paper, recently, where “Dr. -—— foretold the past, present, and future.”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_487" id="Page_487">[Pg 487]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Night in the Penobscot Mountains.</span></p> - -<p>At Castine I heard of an old lady residing high up in the Penobscot -mountains, who could magnetize a sore or a painful limb at sight. Such -marvellous stories were told of her “charming,” that I decided to go over -the mountain and see her. She was not a “professional,” however, and -objected to being made too public. Therefore I made an excuse for calling -at the house “on my way afoot across the country,” and was cordially -received by the family, of whom there were four generations residing under -one roof. The house was a story and half brown cottage, large on the -ground, and surrounded by numerous out-houses and barns. The view from the -western slope of the mountain where she lived was most magnificent. I -reached the farm before sunset. Here I lingered to overlook the beautiful -Penobscot as it flowed at my feet, and the far-off islands of the sea. -Here one could “gaze and never tire,” out over the grand old forests, down -to the sea-side, and upon countless little white specks, the whitened -sails of the fishermen and coasting vessels, with an occasional ship or -steamboat flitting up and down the noble Penobscot river and bay. Still -above me the eagle built her nest in the rocking pines, on the mountain -top, and still far below sung the nightingale and wheeled the hungry -osprey in his belated piscatorial occupations.</p> - -<p>The sun sank behind the western hills, tinging the soft, fleecy clouds -with its golden glory. Slowly changing from purple and gold to faint -yellow, to dark blue, the clouds gradually assumed the night hue, and -sombre shadows crept adown the western mountains’ sides, flinging their -dark mantle over the waters, from shore to shore. The sturdy farmer has -shouldered his scythe, and reluctantly he leaves the half-mown lot to seek -his evening repast at the family table. Then he discovers me, leaning over -the gate-bar, rapt in dreamy forgetfulness, and with a hearty salutation -extends<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_488" id="Page_488">[Pg 488]</a></span> to me the hospitality, so proverbially cordial, of the old New -England farmer. He shows me his pigs in the pen, and his “stock” in the -barn-yard, and reaching the house, he calls “mother,” who, appearing in -calico and homespun, though with a cheerful and smiling face, is -introduced to me as his wife. “A stranger, belated, and I guess pretty -tired-like, climbing up here; and I won’t take no excuses from him; so he -stays with us to-night.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img144.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE CHARMER DIVULGES HER SECRET.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I talk with the lady, I play with the babies, I even toy with Towser and -Tabby, till tea is set. Now I am introduced to the old lady. I thought I -would get to it at last. She was seventy odd years of age, a deaf, but -devout old lady, who was easily wheedled into divulging to me her secret -of “charming.” She told me she had the “rheumatiz,” and by my tender -sympathies and a roll of plaster for her lame back,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_489" id="Page_489">[Pg 489]</a></span> I got into her own -room before bed-time. O, but I came out soon after! She was very deaf.</p> - -<p>“You see,” said she, “a woman can’t learn it to another woman—only to a -male. He must be a <i>good</i> man.” I nodded assent. “Yes; well, you must have -faith.” Again I nodded—she was very deaf. “You must touch the painful -part and say—” Here she bent down her lips to my ear and whispered -something in seven words which she said I must never tell, and she -compelled me to promise never to divulge the secret while I lived, under -pain of God’s great displeasure.</p> - -<p>Perhaps I had better keep my promise, though the good old lady has long -since “gone to her reward.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Cui Bono?</span></p> - -<p>The question is repeated every time there is a great robbery or a murder -committed,—</p> - -<p>“Why do not the clairvoyants tell who has committed this crime?”</p> - -<p>Simply because those who consult them do not know. If a person knew where -the stolen property was secreted, and he consulted a true clairvoyant, he -or she <i>might</i> describe the property and the place where it is secreted. -Not otherwise. The same with the murderer. Therefore, of what good is it?</p> - -<p>In order to do justice to this subject, to present and explain it in all -its various phases, we would require a volume, instead of the space -allotted in this chapter. But whatever name one may apply to it,—animal -magnetism, Mesmerism, clairvoyance, spiritual or trance mediumship,—its -success depends mostly upon the credulity of the person.</p> - -<p>During the five days preceding May 15, 1869, a reporter of the Boston Post -visited seventeen of these clairvoyants, mediums, etc., and some curious -facts and startling contradictions were revealed therein.</p> - -<p>“Putting it together,” he says, “and carefully epitomizing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_490" id="Page_490">[Pg 490]</a></span> the amount of -fortune that we have in this way been able to purchase, we present our -readers with the following balance sheet:” and this, he says, is from the -“most experienced and trustworthy fortune-tellers in the good city of -Boston, where everything like <i>humbug</i> is most scrupulously avoided.</p> - -<p>“Four times we have been told that we were engaged in no business at all, -and as many more that our affairs and prospects were never more -flourishing. Repeatedly we have been told that we should speedily change -our business and abode. On the other hand, we were destined to be a -fixture in Boston, and were so well satisfied with our present calling -that we should never change. We are not married, but a great many pretty -maidens stood ready to help us out of that difficulty.” Again, “we were -married, and the father of several roguish boys and bright-eyed girls. -Thus far in life we had enjoyed good health, were free from all -infirmities, and stood a good chance to reach fourscore and ten.”</p> - -<p>“In less than twenty-four hours this sweet hope was buried, and we were -advised that death would overtake us suddenly and soon.”</p> - -<p>There are various grades of clairvoyants, as of everything else. Here is -one class.</p> - -<p>“After ascending a rickety, dirty, greasy stairway, you find the madam -quartered in a small, square bedroom, poorly and miserably furnished. The -room is dirty, dark, and dingy. Portions of the walls are covered with a -cheap and quaint paper, patched, here and there, with some of another -figure and quality. Pictures of a cheap class are hanging on two sides of -the room,—of Columbus, Webster, and three or four love and courtship -scenes in France and Germany. The furniture consists of a cheap bed, a -dilapidated parlor cooking-stove, a small pine table, three common chairs, -and a rocking-chair, cane-bottomed, a big box, covered with a remnant of -the national flag, and a few cheap mantel ornaments.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_491" id="Page_491">[Pg 491]</a></span>“The madam is a woman under thirty, very stoutly built, weighs one hundred -and sixty pounds, has quite fair complexion, with pretty blue eyes, light -hair, and withal not bad-looking. She was attired in a loose and rather -soiled calico dress, wore no ornaments, and looked rather uninviting.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Bon Ton Clairvoyant.</span></p> - -<p>The writer visited a special seance at one of the most aristocratic and -<i>recherché</i> abodes of the marvellous in this city, not long since. I was -ushered into the brilliantly lighted hall by a janty-looking little biddy -in white and embroidered apron. That was all I saw of her, as she -disappeared and was substituted by the lady of the house, the medium. She -was a pretty, pleasant little lady, with brilliant, dancing, light eyes, -hair golden brown, and was dressed in a black silk dress, with blue -overskirt, a rich lace collar, and flowing sleeves of the same material.</p> - -<p>Depositing hat, coat, and cane on the hall rack, I was introduced to the -assembled guests in the great parlors. These rooms were united by a wide, -open archway, were high, and brilliantly lighted by rich chandeliers in -each room. An elegant piano occupied the west side of the front parlor, -upon which was a pile of the latest music. The furniture was of black -walnut, and richly upholstered in green and gold rep. The mantel was -adorned with vases of porcelain, images of marble and terra-cotta, and -little knickknacks of foreign production. The walls were hung with a few -of Prang’s chromos, oil paintings, and two “spirit” photographs. The most -beautiful, as well as the most remarkable, feature of the rooms was the -magnificent bouquets of native hot-house flowers, which covered the two -marble-topped centre-tables and sideboard. These were presents to the -spirits! They did not take them away; the only one I saw removed was -knocked over by a careless<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_492" id="Page_492">[Pg 492]</a></span> elbow. I regret to add, that there was no -“manifestation,” nor anything revealed, worth recording.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Bouncer.</span></p> - -<p>A scene that occurred at another place where I previously visited may be -considered worthy of notice. I clambered two flights of stairs, and found -myself face to face with a very large woman, answering to the alias of -Madam ——. She was very fleshy, weighing probably two hundred and -thirty-five pounds avoirdupois. Her face was pleasant, and conversation -easy. I handing over the required “picture paper,” she tumbled into a -great easy-chair, and, without any pretence to a trance, began,—</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img145.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“I PERCEIVE YOU ARE IN LOVE.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“I perceive that you are in love.” This was startling news to a bachelor. -“There are two pretty females, one dark-complexioned, the other light.” -(This is the usual “dodge,” for, if there is a woman in the question, one -of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_493" id="Page_493">[Pg 493]</a></span> two is bound to answer this general description.) “Which shall we -follow?” she very teasingly inquired.</p> - -<p>“Either that comes handiest,” was my indifferent reply.</p> - -<p>“Well, the dark one, then. She is tall, fair, and is looking anxiously for -you to propose. Do you know a lady of this description whom you like?” I -regretted that I did not. My “notion” ran to small ladies, of the opposite -complexion. “Well,” she said, not the least flurried, “here is one of that -kind.” I instantly placed my mind on one of this class,—my sister,—and -she ran on. “She is soon to meet you. She is very rich.” (Nellie will be -glad to learn this.) “And I perceive a short-like man looking after her -fortune. But have no concern; she loves you fondly, and you will marry her -very soon. You are going a voyage, or across some water.” (How far can one -travel, in this country, without crossing water?) “You will meet an enemy, -who will try to injure you in business.”</p> - -<p>“What business?” I inquired.</p> - -<p>“You are a—yes—mechanic, though your hand is soft. I reckon you’ve been -sick. Yes—machinist; make coffee-mills. Yes” (looking sharply into my -face). (I was <i>leading her</i>!) “Corn poppers are in your line.” (I nodded, -and smiled, for how could I refrain from smiling?) “You trade in tin and -earthen ware—chamber ware—spoons—and old boots.” (True.) “You own a -splendid house in the city—a large block”-(head).</p> - -<p>“Where was I born? Can you see?”</p> - -<p>“Yes; you were reared in the country; where there were deep, dark -woods—all woods; in a log house, with thatched roof, and clay and stick -chimney. A pig—am I right?—yes, a pig and a dog are kept in the same -house. The windows are wooden, and—”</p> - -<p>“Where was it?” I suggested.</p> - -<p>“I should say in Ireland,” she replied.</p> - -<p>“Enough, I believe. Now about the other lady,” I said.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_494" id="Page_494">[Pg 494]</a></span>“The dark one? Yes. She loves you, but is poor. Since you are rich, and -a—” Here I tried to impress her that I was married. “You are married, but -your wife will not survive you. No, she will soon go to heaven, and you -will marry the dark-complexioned lady.”</p> - -<p>“Good,” I exclaimed.</p> - -<p>“Yes; and will have five boys and three girls.”</p> - -<p>“Who?”</p> - -<p>“Why, the lady, of course.”</p> - -<p>“O!”</p> - -<p>“Yes, and they will be happy and healthy.”</p> - -<p>Here she informed me I had got my money’s worth.</p> - -<p>I think I had.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img146.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_495" id="Page_495">[Pg 495]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XIX" id="XIX"></a>XIX.</h2> -<p class="title">ECCENTRICITIES.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>“They’ll not show their teeth in way of smile,<br /> -Though Nestor swear the jest be laughable.”<br /> -<br /> -“Democritus, dear droll, revisit earth,<br /> -And with our follies glut thy heightened mirth.”—<span class="smcap">Prior.</span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>A ONE-EYED DOCTOR AND HIS HORSE.—A NEW EDIBLE.—“HAVE THEM -BOILED.”—“BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.”—A LOVELY STAMPEDE.—AN ECCENTRIC -PHILADELPHIAN.—THE POODLES, DRS. HUNTER AND SCIPIO.—SILENT -ELOQUENCE.—CONSISTENT TO THE END.—WHEN DOCTORS DISAGREE.—FOUR BLIND -MEN.—DIET AND SLEEP.—SAXE AND SANCHO PANZA.—MOTHER GOOSE AS A -DOCTOR’S BOOK.—THE TABLES TURNED ON THE DOCTORS.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>We love to see an eccentric individual—something out of the common -routine of every-day, humdrum life. But what is often taken for an -eccentricity is sometimes put on for an advertisement.</p> - -<p>Nearly all great men have their oddities or peculiarities. I might give -many little interesting sketches of some physicians’ oddities right among -us, but for too great personality. I may, however, work in a few.</p> - -<p>The eccentricities of some doctors lie in their dress. Of this, I shall -speak under the head of “Dress and Address.” Others lie in personal acts, -in their walk, manners, and conversation.</p> - -<p>I know of one physician who delights in the worst looking old horse he can -obtain. The doctor himself has but one eye. His old donkey-like beast -corresponded. Report said that he cut out the left eye of the horse to -gain that desired end,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_496" id="Page_496">[Pg 496]</a></span> which, however, is discredited. The beast was also -lame, which defect the doctor would never admit.</p> - -<p>“What <i>you</i> ignorantly term ‘limping’ is only an expression of good -breeding—which I cannot attach to all whom I meet on the road. It’s -bowing,—merely bowing. You never see him do it unless somebody is in -sight. Gid-dap!” And so delivering himself, the old doctor would drive on, -chuckling softly to himself. When his old horse died, he was presented -with a fine young beast, which he declined to accept, but scoured the -country till he found a high-boned, rib-bared, foundered, and half-blind -old roadster.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A new Dish.</span></p> - -<p>Dr. James Wood was an oddity. He was a bachelor, between thirty and forty, -large and attractive. He was remarkably neat in dress and person, but -delighted in “an old rip of a horse.”</p> - -<p>Once he was on a tour through New Brunswick, and, in company with a -friend, drove up to a tavern at evening, and called for the landlord.</p> - -<p>“He ain’t t’ home, but I’m the horse-slayer,” replied a voice, followed by -the person of a tall, lean Yankee, who issued from the smoke of the -bar-room, and approached our friends, still sitting in the open buggy.</p> - -<p>“Here, put up my horse; take good care of him, and feed him well.”</p> - -<p>“Hoss?” said the impudent fellow. “O, yes, I see him now; he’s inside that -ere frame, I s’pose. Climb down, gentlemen, and go inter the house. -Landlord and the Santipede (Xantippe?) has gone to St. Johns; but I guess -Dolly in the kitchin, and me in the bar-room, can eat and drink yer, -though you’re two putty big fellows, well’s myself.” So saying, the -gentlemen having alighted, he drove the animal to the stable.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_497" id="Page_497">[Pg 497]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 399px;"><img src="images/img147.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A “HORSE-SLAYER” INDULGING HIS OPINION.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_498" id="Page_498">[Pg 498]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_499" id="Page_499">[Pg 499]</a></span>At supper, the doctor and his friend and two ladies were the only -guests. Just what part the “horse-slayer” had had in its preparation was -not obvious, since he had, after caring for the horse, only sat with a -pipe in his mouth and his heels elevated on the bar-room stove, or -following to the sitting-room, and continually plied the doctor with -questions. However, the supper was ample, thanks to “Dolly.”</p> - -<p>“Is there anything more wanted?” inquired the table girl,—a round-faced, -round-headed country specimen in neat calico.</p> - -<p>“Yes,” replied the doctor, “we would like some napkins, seeing there are -none on the table.”</p> - -<p>Away hastened the girl, who, quickly returning, asked in very primitive -simplicity,—</p> - -<p>“How will you have them cooked?”</p> - -<p>“O, boiled, if you please,” replied the doctor, without changing a muscle -about his sober-looking face.</p> - -<p>The girl disappeared at full trot, followed by jeers of laughter from the -gentlemen present, and suppressed titters from the ladies.</p> - -<p>In a few moments “Dolly” made her appearance, and after searching in vain -through the side-table drawer and a cupboard in the dining-room, she said -they had none in the house, and intimated that the table girl could not be -induced to return, after being laughed at for her ignorance of what a -napkin was, and that “herself would wait upon the guests.”</p> - -<p>When the doctor returned, the “horse-slayer” called out that the napkin -doctor was coming, upon which the terrified table-girl ran away and hid.</p> - -<p>My informant says, “You’re only to say, any time, ‘Here comes that napkin -doctor,’ and the table girl nearly goes wild, dropping everything, and -hiding away in her chamber till assured it is only a false alarm.”</p> - -<p>The writer is well acquainted with W., who assured him this was true.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_500" id="Page_500">[Pg 500]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Beauty and the Beast.</span></p> - -<p>I heard, while in the South, of a doctor, a little, short man, who rode a -Canadian horse, a scraggy little specimen, and who, in yellow fever time, -used to ride right straight into a drug store, and order his prescription, -catch it up, wheel his pony round on his hind legs, stick in the spurs -into the flanks of the animal, and go out in a clean gallop.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 314px;"><img src="images/img148.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">NO TIME TO LOSE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Though the writer never saw this remarkable feat, there is one more -ludicrous, to which he was an eye-witness.</p> - -<p>One fine day, while in Charleston, sitting musing in the window of the -Victoria Hotel, I saw an African, with bare feet and legs, his whole -attire consisting of a coarse shirt and brief trousers, drive a mule -attached to a dray, on which was a box, up towards a milliner’s store, -opposite. The negro jumped from the dray, and, with whip in hand, ran into -the store to ascertain if that was the place to leave the box.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_501" id="Page_501">[Pg 501]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 402px;"><img src="images/img149.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_502" id="Page_502">[Pg 502]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_503" id="Page_503">[Pg 503]</a></span>The faithful donkey followed his master directly into the store, nor -stopped till the wheels of the cart brought up against the door-jambs. The -ladies, with whom the front store was crowded, screamed with terror, and -fled towards the back room, where the pretty milliner girls were sewing. -They caught the panic and sight of the donkey’s head and ears in the front -shop, and screeched in chorus. A more lively and lovely stampede I never -witnessed. It was “Beauty and the Beast,” and the beast stood pulling his -best to get the cart through; but since a six-foot cart never could go -through a four foot doorway, he backed out with the negro’s assistance, -and Beauty was rescued from the perilous situation.</p> - -<p>“Golly!” exclaimed the Buckee, when himself, mule and cart were back into -the street. “I fought de ladies were scared ob dis chile, first sight; but -I never knowed de ladies to be scared ob a hansum darky like me; and when -I looked round an’ see dat ar’ mules coming into der mill’ner’s store—O, -yah, yah, yah! I shall die—O, yah, yah, yah!—de Lor’—to only fink ob -it, a mule in a mill’ner’s shop—he wants muslin—O, yah, yah! I shall -die, sure.” Then, after a few more outbursts, he stopped short—for the -milliner was looking after the box—he rolled up his eyes very solemnly, -and said to the donkey,—</p> - -<p>“Yer ought to be ’shamed ob yerself to go into dat yer store—dar, take -dat!” levelling a blow at the donkey’s head with the whip. Then taking the -box into the store, he returned, gave the donkey another solemn lecture on -his impropriety, and mounted the dray and drove away.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The consulting Poodles.</span></p> - -<p>A gentleman well known to the writer assured me that he once had occasion -to repeatedly consult a physician in Philadelphia, a most excellent -practitioner, who owned two pet poodle dogs. They were pure white, and -occupied a portion<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_504" id="Page_504">[Pg 504]</a></span> of his office. When I first entered the doctor’s -presence, I was quite astonished to see, sitting on a corner of his desk, -at his left, a beautiful poodle. I thought, at first sight, it was a -stuffed specimen; but after inquiring the nature of my visit, the doctor -said, “You can retire, sir.”</p> - -<p>“What!” said I, in surprise at this summary dismissal, when I was startled -to see the manikin jump from the desk and run away to a crib beside a -book-case.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 435px;"><img src="images/img150.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">DR. HUNTER IN CONSULTATION.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“I was speaking to Dr. Scipio,” the doctor quietly remarked. Then adding, -“Dr. Hunter, you can come instead,” when another like poodle came and -leaped upon the desk, and sat looking very wisely at his master.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_505" id="Page_505">[Pg 505]</a></span>While examining my case, he occasionally cast a glance at “Dr. Hunter,” -sitting as quiet as a marble dog might, but seeming to understand the look -which his master gave him, acknowledging it by a pricking up of the ears.</p> - -<p>I received my prescription, and what proved to be most excellent advice, -and retired. The next time I visited the eccentric doctor, both Drs. -Scipio and Hunter were in full consultation, sitting side by side on the -desk.</p> - -<p>“Now, sirs,” said the doctor, after motioning me to a seat near him, “sirs -Scipio and Hunter, keep very still, and give attention.”</p> - -<p>A yawning noise and expression was their simultaneous reply.</p> - -<p>“What is the object of the two canine specimens being always present when -I have consulted you?” I ventured to inquire, on my last visit to the -doctor.</p> - -<p>“Some physicians consult two-legged pups, in complicated cases. I prefer -quadrupeds. Have we not been very successful—myself, Drs. Hunter and -Scipio—in your case, sir?”</p> - -<p>This he said with a pleasant, half-serious countenance.</p> - -<p>“Indeed, you have, sir,” I replied, to which the dogs gave a gap! (a -smile?)</p> - -<p>“You’ll find every successful man with some seeming useless habit or -appendage, which, nevertheless, is essential to his success, in absorbing -or distracting the superfluities of his nature. A sing-song, every-day -man, whom you can see right through, and understand all his moves, seldom -amounts to anything. I ape nobody, however, but I feel almost lost, in my -examinations, without my dogs.”</p> - -<p>Well, there may be much to this, after all. A good singer will seldom go -forward to master a difficult piece of music without something in his -hand. Eccentricities in some persons take the place of a vile, injurious -habit, as the eccentric man is usually free from debasing habits.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_506" id="Page_506">[Pg 506]</a></span>I am particularly reminded of Suwaroff, the great Russian general, who was -so remarkable for his energy, valor, and headlong fighting propensities. -This wonderful man was very small in stature, being only five feet and a -half inch in height, miserably thin in flesh, with an aquiline nose, a -wide mouth, wrinkled brow, and bald head—an eagle look and character. -“His contempt of dress could only be equalled by his disregard of every -form of politeness, and some idea may be formed of both from the fact that -he was washed mornings by several buckets of water thrown over him, and -that he drilled his men in his shirt sleeves, with his stockings hanging -down about his heels, and proudly dispensing with the use of a pocket -handkerchief.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img151.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE RUSSIAN GENERAL’S DRILL.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>His favorite signal of attack was a shrill “<i>cock-a-doodle-doo!</i>” -“To-morrow”—this was his harangue to his men before a great -battle—“to-morrow morning I mean to be up one hour before daybreak. I -shall wash and dress myself, then say my prayers, give one good -<i>cock-crow</i>, and <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_507" id="Page_507">[Pg 507]</a></span>capture Ismail!” Which he did to the letter. After -Catharine’s death, Paul, her son and successor, could not brook the -eccentric habits of “Old Forward and Strike,” whose personal appearance -was ill suited to court, and when compelled to “change or retire,” -Suwaroff chose the latter. Again in 1799 he was given a command, but would -not change his principles, and was dismissed; and died in 1800, neglected -by the imperial Paul, who was assassinated the same year.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Silent Eloquence.</span></p> - -<p>There is a physician doing an office practice in Boston, who, when you -enter his office, by one gesture and movement of his head, with the -accompanying expression of his countenance, says to you, as plainly as -words, “Take a seat; how do you do? State your case.” He is a man of few -words, professionally. Through with his business, he becomes one of the -most sociable men with whom one need wish to meet.</p> - -<p>John Abernethy was remarkable for his eccentricity, and brevity in his -dealings with patients. Sometimes he met his match. The following has been -told about him often enough to be true. On one occasion a lady, who -doubtless had heard of his <i>brusque</i> characteristic, entered his -consulting-room, at Bedford Row, and silently presented a sore finger. As -silently the doctor examined and dressed the wound. In the same manner the -lady deposited the accustomed fee upon the table, and withdrew.</p> - -<p>Again she presented the finger for inspection.</p> - -<p>“Better?” grunted the great surgeon.</p> - -<p>“Better,” quietly answered the lady, deposited the fee, and left, without -saying another word. Several visits were thus made, when, on presenting it -for the last time, Abernethy said,—</p> - -<p>“Well?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_508" id="Page_508">[Pg 508]</a></span>“Well,” was the lady’s only answer, and deposited her last fee.</p> - -<p>“Well, madam, upon my soul, you are the most sensible lady with whom I -ever met,” he exclaimed, and very politely bowed her out.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Consistent to the End.</span></p> - -<p>The most eccentric physician who ever lived, and the only one I have read -of who carried his odd notions beyond this life, was Messenger Monsey, of -whom I have before written in this book. He died at the age of -ninety-five. He wrote his own will,—having eighty thousand dollars to -dispose of,—and his epitaph. The will was remarkable, and is still -preserved. “To a beautiful young lady, named ——,” he gave an old -battered snuff-box, not containing a shilling, lavishing upon her, at the -same time, the most extravagant encomiums on her wit, taste, and elegance; -and to another, whom he says he intends to enrich with a handsome legacy, -he leaves the gratifying assurance that he changed his mind on finding her -“a pert, conceited minx.” After railing at bishops, deans, and clergymen, -he left an annuity to two of the latter, who did not preach.</p> - -<p>“My body shall not be insulted with any funeral ceremonies, but after -being dissected in the theatre of Guy’s Hospital, by the surgeons, for the -benefit of themselves and students, the remainder of my carcass may be put -into a hole, or crammed into a box with holes, and thrown into the -Thames.”</p> - -<p>The main part of his property went to his only daughter.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_509" id="Page_509">[Pg 509]</a></span></p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img152.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">WHAT THE ELEPHANT IS LIKE.</p> -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 314px;"><img src="images/img153.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A DOCTOR’S SOLACE.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_510" id="Page_510">[Pg 510]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_511" id="Page_511">[Pg 511]</a></span>This is a true copy of his epitaph:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“Here lie my old bones; my vexation now ends;<br /> -I have lived much too long for myself and my friends.<br /> -As to churches and churchyards, which men may call holy,<br /> -’Tis a rank piece of priestcraft, and founded on folly.<br /> -What the next world may be never troubled my pate;<br /> -And, be what it may, I beseech you, O Fate,<br /> -When the bodies of millions rise up in a riot,<br /> -To let the old carcase of Monsey lie quiet.”</p> - -<p>The above reminds me of another epitaph in Greenwood:</p> - -<p class="poem">“Underneath this turf do lie,<br /> -Back to back, my wife and I.<br /> -Generous stranger, spare the tear,<br /> -For could she speak, I cannot hear.<br /> -Happier far than when in life,<br /> -Free from noise and free from strife,<br /> -When the last trump the air shall fill,<br /> -If she gets up, I’ll just lie still!”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">When Doctors disagree.</span>”</p> - -<p>The eccentricities of some doctors lie in their abuse of their brothers; -especially those of a different school, of which they necessarily know -little or nothing.</p> - -<p>There is a Hindoo story illustrative of the folly of this <i>ex parte</i> -decision.</p> - -<p>Four blind men went to examine an elephant, to ascertain what it was like. -One felt of its foot, the second its trunk, the third its ear, and the -last felt of its tail. Then they held a consultation, and began to talk it -up.</p> - -<p>“The elephant is very much like a mortar,” said the one who had felt of -the foot.</p> - -<p>“It is like a pestle,” said the one who had felt of its trunk.</p> - -<p>“No; you are both wrong. It’s like a fan,” said he who had felt of the -ears.</p> - -<p>“You are all mistaken; it is like a broom,” vehemently exclaimed the man -who had felt of the tail. The dispute grew warm. Each was sure he was -right, because he had personally examined for himself. Then they waxed -angry, and a lasting quarrel grew out of it; so, in the end, they were all -as ignorant of the truth as when they began the investigation.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_512" id="Page_512">[Pg 512]</a></span>The diversity of medical opinion on diet is equally as great as on -prescription, and often partakes largely of the notion or eccentricity of -the individual physician, rather than the requirements of the patient.</p> - -<p>One is an advocate of animal diet; another is a strict Grahamite, or -vegetarian, and a third is an animo-vegetarian, which, according to the -two kinds of teeth given to man,—the tearing, or canine, and the grinding -teeth,—seems to be the most rational decision. Then there is the -slop-doctor. I know of one in Connecticut. He weighs about two hundred and -fifty pounds. He breakfasts on the richest steak, dines on roast beef, and -sups on a fowl. Every patient he has is a victim to “typhoid fever: the -result is inflammation of the glands of the stomach, and induced by too -hearty food;” hence the patient is starved a month on slop or gruel.</p> - -<p>This doctor was formerly a Methodist preacher, and—</p> - -<p class="poem">“Exhausting all <i>persuasive</i> means to light<br /> -Our fallen race to Virtue’s glorious height,<br /> -To Medicine gives his comprehensive mind,<br /> -And fills his pockets while he cures mankind.<br /> -He scorns M. D.’s, at all hard study sneers,<br /> -And soon the science of its mystery clears.<br /> -<i>His</i> knowledge springs intuitive and plain,<br /> -As Pallas issued from the Thunderer’s brain.<br /> -He takes a patent for some potent pill<br /> -Whose cure is certain—for it cures to kill.<br /> -Such mighty powers in its materials lurk,<br /> -It grows, like Gibbon’s Rome, a standard <i>work</i>!<br /> -Pill-militant, he storms the forts of pain,<br /> -Where grim Disease has long entrenchéd lain,<br /> -Routs fevers, agues, colics, colds, and gouts,<br /> -Nor ends the war till life itself he routs.<br /> -If of his skill you wish some pregnant hints,<br /> -Peruse the gravestones, not the public prints!<br /> -To aid his work, and fame immortal win,<br /> -Brings steam from physics into medicine;<br /> -From speeding packets o’er th’ Atlantic waste,<br /> -O’er Styx’s stream old Charon’s boat to haste,<br /> -Proving that steam for double use is fit—<br /> -To whirl men <i>through</i> the world, and <i>out</i> of it!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_513" id="Page_513">[Pg 513]</a></span>The difference in the item of sleep is amusing. I know a poor, worn-out -doctor who finds all health in early rising. Let us refer him to the -following, by John G. Saxe:—</p> - -<p class="poem"><span style="margin-left: 5em;">EARLY RISING.</span><br /> -“God bless the man who first invented sleep!”<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So Sancho Panza said, and so say I:</span><br /> -And bless him also that he didn’t keep<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">His great discovery to himself, nor try</span><br /> -To make it—as the lucky fellow might—<br /> -A close monopoly by patent right.<br /> -<br /> -Yes, bless the man who first invented sleep<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(I really can’t avoid the iteration);</span><br /> -But blast the man, with curses loud and deep,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Whate’er the rascal’s name, or age, or station,</span><br /> -Who first invented, and went round advising,<br /> -That artificial cut-off—early rising.<br /> -<br /> -“Rise with the lark, and with the lark to bed,”<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Observes some solemn, sentimental owl:</span><br /> -Maxims like these are very cheaply said;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But ere you make yourself a fool or fowl,</span><br /> -Pray, just inquire about his rise and fall,<br /> -And whether larks have any beds at all.<br /> -<br /> -The time for honest folks to be abed<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is in the morning, if I reason right;</span><br /> -And he who cannot keep his precious head<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Upon his pillow till it’s fairly light,</span><br /> -And so enjoy his forty morning winks,<br /> -Is up to knavery; or else—he drinks.<br /> -<br /> -Thomson, who sung about the “Seasons,” said<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">It was a glorious thing to <i>rise</i> in season;</span><br /> -But then he said it—lying—in his bed,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">At ten o’clock A. M.,—the very reason</span><br /> -He wrote so charmingly. The simple fact is,<br /> -His preaching wasn’t sanctioned by his practice.<br /> -<br /> -’Tis doubtless well to be sometimes awake,—<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Awake to duty and awake to truth,—</span><br /> -But when, alas! a nice review we take<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of our best deeds and days, we find, in sooth,</span><br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_514" id="Page_514">[Pg 514]</a></span>The hours that leave the slightest cause to weep<br /> -Are those we passed in childhood, or asleep!<br /> -<br /> -’Tis beautiful to leave the world a while<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For the soft visions of the gentle night;</span><br /> -And free at last from mortal care or guile,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To live as only in the angels’ sight,</span><br /> -In sleep’s sweet realm so cosily shut in,<br /> -Where, at the worst, we only <i>dream</i> of sin.<br /> -<br /> -So let us sleep, and give the Maker praise.<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I like the lad who, when his father thought</span><br /> -To clip his morning nap by hackneyed phrase<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of vagrant worm by early songster caught,</span><br /> -Cried, “Served him right!—it’s not at all surprising;<br /> -The worm was punished, sir, for early rising.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Mother Goose.</span></p> - -<p>“Gabriel Betteredge,” in “Moonstone,” was doubtless a true character from -life, picked up by the author, Wilkie Collins, somewhere in his travels. I -think the best authors seldom have made up so good a character “out of -whole cloth,” but have gone to the highways and byways for them. -Betteredge’s forte lay in Robinson Crusoe. That book was his guidance and -solace in all his trials and perplexities. But what would you think of a -doctor, a respectable graduate of a medical college, who sought, if not -advice, recreation and solace in Mother Goose?</p> - -<p>This M. D. resided a few years ago in A., New York State. He owned a large -library, enjoyed the confidence of a large list of friends and patrons, -and was a man of education and refinement. His eccentricity lay in his -love of Mother Goose’s Melodies. He kept a copy of these nursery rhymes at -his very elbow, and often turned from a perplexing case, and sought solace -in the jingling rhymes of old Mother Goose!</p> - -<p>Well, that was certainly better than relieving his brain by the use of -narcotic stimulants, as opium, tobacco, or ardent<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_515" id="Page_515">[Pg 515]</a></span> spirits, which use can -only be followed at the expense of nerve, tissue, and membrane.</p> - -<p>I have here before me an account of another physician, whose solace and -relief from business cares were in his cats, of which he had several, all -of which answered to their names. His attachment to these creatures was -only equalled by theirs for him. Sometimes one or two perched on his -shoulders and sang to him while he rested in his easy-chair. He seemed to -drink in Lethean comforts, as thus he would remain for a half hour or more -at a time, or till business broke the spell. When a patient came, or a -servant announced a call, he would arise and say, “Pets, vamose!” and the -cats would all scamper away to their nests, and the doctor, seemingly -refreshed in body and mind, would return to the reality of life and its -labors.</p> - -<p>One’s solace is in his children, another’s in his wife, a third in his -flower-garden; and others’ in opium, rum, or tobacco.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Tables turned.</span></p> - -<p>Sometimes the doctor’s oddity seemed to be in his silence, again in asking -“outlandish” questions. Often they get a good return; for instance,—</p> - -<p>Dr. G., of Sycamore, Ill., riding in the country one day, saw a sign upon -a gate-post, reading thus: “This farm for sail.” Stopping his horse, he -hailed a little old woman, who stood on tiptoe, hanging out clothes.</p> - -<p>“I say, madam, when is this farm going to <i>sail</i>?”</p> - -<p>“Just as soon, sir,” replied the old lady, placing her thumb to her nose, -“as anybody comes along who can raise the wind.”</p> - -<p>The doctor drove thoughtfully on.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Difference.</span></p> - -<p>“A priest who was jogging along on an ass was overtaken by a loquacious -doctor, and, after some preliminary<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_516" id="Page_516">[Pg 516]</a></span> conversation as to the destination, -etc., the doctor proposed that they each should ask a question, and the -one who proposed the best should receive hospitality at the other’s -expense at the next town. The priest agreed, for he was a fat, jolly -little fellow, who could enjoy a laugh and “some bottles,” even at a -doctor’s expense. So the doctor proposed the following:—</p> - -<p>“What is the difference between a priest and a jackass?”</p> - -<p>“That’s old,” replied the priest. “One wears his cross on his breast, the -other on his back.—Now for my turn. What is the difference between the -doctor and the ass?”</p> - -<p>“I cannot tell,” replied the doctor; “what is the difference?”</p> - -<p>“I see none,” quietly replied the priest.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Not by Bread alone.</span>”</p> - -<p>A physician in P., who had the reputation of being a high liver, was quite -publicly reprimanded for his gluttony by an advent preacher of some note, -not a thousand miles from Boston. The doctor bore his abuse without -flinching, though he believed the man a hypocrite. A long time afterwards, -he met the Adventist in his town, and, after some conversation, invited -him to dine at his own house. The hungry Grahamite accepted, and at an -early moment found himself at the doctor’s board.</p> - -<p>“Will you ask a blessing?” said the doctor; which request being complied -with, he uncovered one of the only two dishes on the table, which -contained nothing but bread. The preacher saw the point, and said, with a -disappointed grin, “You shall not live by bread alone.”</p> - -<p>“Yes; I know that much Scripture,” replied the doctor; “so I have provided -some butter,” uncovering the other dish!</p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_517" id="Page_517">[Pg 517]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XX" id="XX"></a>XX.</h2> -<p class="title">PRESCRIPTIONS REMARKABLE AND RIDICULOUS.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>“He finds out what stuff they’re made of.”—<span class="smcap">Shakspeare.</span><br /> -<br /> -“By setting brother against brother,<br /> -To claw and curry one another.”—<span class="smcap">Butler.</span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>FIG PASTE AND FIG LEAVES.—SOME OF THOSE OLD FELLOWS.—THEY SLIGHTLY -DISAGREE.—HOW TO KEEP CLEAN.—BAXTER VS. THE DOCTOR.—A CURE FOR -“RHEUMATIZ.”—OLD ENGLISH DOSES.—CURE FOR BLUES.—FOR -HYSTERIA.—HEROIC DOSES.—DROWNING A FEVER.—AN EXACT -SCIENCE.—SULPHUR AND MOLASSES.—A USE FOR POOR IRISH.—MINERAL -SPRINGS.—COLD DRINKS VS. WARM.—THE OLD LADY AND THE AIR PUMP.—SAVED -BY HER BUSTLE.—COUNTRY PRESCRIPTIONS AND A FUNNY MISTAKE.—ARE YOU DRUNK OR SOBER?</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>Mythology informs us that Heraclitus, the melancholy philosopher of -Ephesus, fixed his residence in a manure heap, by the advice of his -physicians, in hopes of thereby being cured of the dropsy. The remedy -proved worse than the disease, and the philosopher died. From that time -till the present, medical prescriptions have rather partaken of the -extravagant and the ridiculous, than of the rational and beneficial.</p> - -<p>In biblical times the real remedies consisted of a few simples, and were -almost totally confined to external uses. Fig paste was a favorite remedy -for swellings, boils, and ulcers, and an ointment made of olives and some -spices was used for wounds, etc. Mrs. Eve, it is said, took to fig leaves. -The myrrh and hyssop were used chiefly among the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_518" id="Page_518">[Pg 518]</a></span> Jews for purification. -The former was obtained from Egypt and Arabia East. The original name was, -in Arabic, <i>marra</i>, meaning bitter.</p> - -<p>The history of medicine is referable to about 1184 before Christ, from -which time to Hippocrates, 460 B. C., it could not lay claim to the name -of science. It was confined almost entirely to the priestcraft, and -partook largely of the fabulous notions of that superstitious age, and was -connected with their gods and heroes. Then, necessarily with such a -belief, the remedies lay in ceremonies and incantations, as before -mentioned in chapter first, and the priests had it all their own way.</p> - -<p>Chiron, according to Grecian bibliographers, was about the first who -practised medicine to any extent, and who, with Apollo, claimed to have -received his knowledge direct from Jupiter. Æsculapius was a son of -Apollo. Æsculapius had two sons, who became celebrated physicians, and one -daughter, Hygeia, the goddess of health. For a long time the practice of -medicine was confined to the descendants of Æsculapius, who was worshipped -in the temples of Epidaurus, the ruins of one of which is said to still be -seen.</p> - -<p>Hippocrates claimed to be a descendant of Æsculapius (460 B. C.). The -remedies used by his predecessors were a few vegetable medicines, -accelerated by a good many mystical rites. It would seem that medicinal -springs were patronized at this early date, as temples of health were -established near such wells, in Greece. Theophrastus, of Lesbos, was a -fuller’s son, and wrote a book on plants. He was a pupil to Plato and -Aristotle.</p> - -<p>Podalirius was going to cure every disease by bleeding, Herodicus by -gymnastics, and Archagathus by burning and gouging out the diseased parts. -Then arose Chrysippus, who reversed the blood-letting theory, and would -allay the venous excitement by simple medications (not having discovered -the difference between veins and arteries, and when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_519" id="Page_519">[Pg 519]</a></span> they did, it was -supposed the latter contained only air; hence the name); Asclepiades, who -“kicked Hippocrates’ nature out of doors,” and the thermo-therapeutists, -who turned out the latter.</p> - -<p>After the followers of Archagathus, or Archegenus, were driven out of -Rome, the hot baths were established, which were the earliest mentioned. -There was a very celebrated cold water bath established somewhat earlier, -for which Mr. Noah, who owned the right, got up a very large tub, for the -exclusive use of himself, family, and household pets. The bath—like -nearly all cold water baths <i>extensively used since</i>—was a complete -success, killing off all who ventured into the water.</p> - -<p>During the reign of the Roman emperor Caracalla (211-217) thermal baths -were extensively established at Rome, and Gibbon informs us that they were -open for the reception of both senators and people; that they would -accommodate three thousand persons at once. The enclosure exceeded a mile -in circumference. At one end there was a magnificent temple, dedicated to -the god Apollo, and at the reverse another, sacred to Æsculapius, the -tutelary divinities of the Thermæ. The Grecians also established cold, -warm, and hot baths; and in Turkey the bathing was a religious rite until -a very recent period. More recently, it is a source of diversion. -“Cleanliness is akin to godliness,” and recreation is a religious duty; -therefore the warm bath, whether followed as a superstitious rite or as a -source of amusement, is nevertheless commendable as a sanitary measure.</p> - -<p>Dr. Dio Lewis, of Boston, has a grand warm (Turkish) bathing -establishment. There are several hot, champooing, and cooling rooms for -ladies or gentlemen, and a grand plunge bath, containing sixteen thousand -gallons of water, warmed by a steam apparatus. If the Bostonians are dirty -hereafter, they must not blame the doctor. No man knows how dirty he is -till he tries one of these baths.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_520" id="Page_520">[Pg 520]</a></span>“Crosby’s History of the English Baptists preserves the opinion of Sir -John Floyer, physician, that immersion was of great sanitary value, and -that its discontinuance, about the year 1600, had been attended with ill -effects on the physical condition of the population. ‘Immersion would -prevent many hereditary diseases if it were still practised,’ he said. An -old man, eighty years of age, whose father lived at the time while -immersion was the practice, said that parents would ask the priest to dip -well into the water that part of the child which was diseased, to prevent -its descending to posterity.</p> - -<p>“Baxter vehemently and exaggeratedly denounced it as a breach of the sixth -commandment. It produced catarrh, etc., and, in a word, was good for -nothing but to despatch men out of the world.”</p> - -<p>“If murder be sin, then dipping ordinarily in cold water over head is a -sin.”</p> - -<p>So much for Dr. Floyer vs. Baxter. Surely the latter ought to have been -“dipped.”</p> - -<p>A western paper of respectability is responsible for the statement, that -an old lady followed up a bishop as he travelled through his diocese, in -that vicinity, and was confirmed several times before detected.</p> - -<p>“Why did you do such a remarkable deed?” asked the bishop. “Did you feel -that your sins were so great as to require a frequent repetition of the -ordinance?”</p> - -<p>“O, no,” replied the old lady, complacently; “but I heerd say it was good -for the rheumatiz.”</p> - -<p>The bishop didn’t confirm her any more. She was really going to baptism as -the voters go to the polls and vote in New York—“early and often.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Old English Prescriptions.</span></p> - -<p>The prescriptions and doses of the old English doctors were “stunning.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_521" id="Page_521">[Pg 521]</a></span>Billy Atkins, a gout doctor of Charles II.’s time, who resided in the Old -Bailey, did an immense business in his specialty. His remarkable wig and -dress will find a place in our chapter on “Dress.” He made a nostrum on -the authority of Swift, compounded of thirty different promiscuous -ingredients.</p> - -<p>The apothecary to Queen Elizabeth brought in his quarter-bill, £83, 7s. -8d. Amongst the items were the following: “A confection made like a manus -Christi, with bezoar stone, and unicorn’s horn, 11s. Sweet scent for -christening of Sir Richard Knightly’s son, 2s. 6d. A conserve of -barberries, damascene plums, and others, for Mr. Ralegh, 6s. Rose water -for the King of Navarre’s ambassador, 12s. A royal sweetmeat, with -rhubarb, 16d.”</p> - -<p>A sweet preparation, and a favorite of Dr. Theodore Mayerne, was “balsam -of bats.” A cure for hypochondria was composed of “adders, bats, -angle-worms, sucking whelps, ox-bones, marrow, and hog’s grease.” Nice!</p> - -<p>After perusing—without swallowing—his medical prescriptions, the reader -would scarcely desire to follow the directions in his “Excellent and -well-approved Receipts in Cooking.” I should rather, to run my risk, -breakfast on boarding-house or hotel hash, than partake of food prepared -from Dr. Mayerne’s “Cook Book.”</p> - -<p>According to Dr. Sherley, Mayerne gave violent drugs, calomel in scruple -doses, mixed sugar of lead with conserves, and fed gouty kings on -pulverized human bones.</p> - -<p>“A small, young mouse roasted,” is recommended by Dr. Bullyn, as a cure -for restlessness and nervousness in children. For cold, cough, and -tightness of the lungs, he says, “Snayles (snails) broken from the shells -and sodden in whyte wyne, with olyv oyle and sugar, are very holsome.” -Snails were long a favorite remedy, and given in consumption for no other -reason than that “it was a <i>slow</i> disease.” A young puppy’s skin (warm and -fresh) was applied to the chest of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_522" id="Page_522">[Pg 522]</a></span> a child with croup, because he -<i>barked</i>! Fish-worms, sow-bugs, crab’s eyes, fish-oil, sheep-droppings, -and such delicious stuff were, and still are, favorite remedies with some -physicians and country people. The following was one of Dr. Boleyn’s royal -remedies:—</p> - -<p>“<i>Electuarium de Gemmis.</i> Take two drachms of white perles; two little -peeces of saphyre; jacinth, corneline, emerauldes, garnettes, of each an -ounce; setwal, the sweate roote doronike, the rind of pomecitron, mace, -basel seede, of each two drachms; of redde corall, amber, shaving of -ivory, of each two drachms; rootes both of white and red behen, ginger, -long peper, spicknard, folium indicum, saffron, cardamon, of each one -drachm; of troch. diarodon, lignum aloes, of each half a small handful; -cinnamon, galinga, zurubeth, which is a kind of setwal, of each one drachm -and a half; thin pieces of gold and sylver, of each half a scruple; of -musk, half a drachm. Make your electuary with honey emblici, which is the -fourth kind of mirobalans with roses, strained in equall partes, as much -as will suffice. This healeth cold, diseases of ye braine, harte, stomack. -It is a medicine proved against the tremblynge of the harte, faynting, and -sounin, the weakness of the stomacke, pensivenes, solitarines. Kings and -noblemen have used this for their comfort. It causeth them to be -bold-spirited, the body to smell wel, and ingendreth to the face good -coloure.”</p> - -<p>“Truly a medicine for kings and noblemen,” says Jeaffreson, who gives the -following:—</p> - -<p>“During the railroad panic of England (1846), an unfortunate physician -prescribed the following for a nervous lady:—</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="table"> -<tr><td>℞.</td><td><span class="spacer2"> </span></td> - <td colspan="3">Great Western, 350 shares.</td></tr> -<tr><td> </td><td> </td> - <td>Eastern Counties,</td> - <td rowspan="2"><span class="huge">}</span></td></tr> -<tr><td> </td><td> </td> - <td>North Middlesex,</td> - <td>a. a. 1050.</td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td>M.</td><td> </td><td colspan="3">Haust. 1. Om. noc. cap.</td></tr></table> - -<p>“This direction for a delicate lady to swallow nightly (noc.) 2450 -railway shares was cited as proof of the doctor’s insanity, and the -management of his private affairs was placed in other hands.”</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_523" id="Page_523">[Pg 523]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 394px;"><img src="images/img154.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">HOW A LADY PROCURED A VALUABLE PRESCRIPTION.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_524" id="Page_524">[Pg 524]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_525" id="Page_525">[Pg 525]</a></span>“A humersome doctor,” as Mrs. Partington would say, gives the following</p> - -<p class="poem"><span style="margin-left: 2em;">CURE FOR THE BLUES.</span><br /> -Tinc. Peruvii barki bitters, 1 oz.<br /> -Sugari albi, vel sweetningus, considerabilibus.<br /> -Spiritus frumenti, vel old repeus, ad lib.<br /> -Waterus pumpus, non multum.<br /> -Nutmegus, sprinklibus.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Sure Cure.</span></p> - -<p>A physician of our acquaintance was called to a lady patient after she had -enjoyed a season of unusual domestic quarrels, who was not over long in -“turning herself wrong-side out”—as some females will insist upon doing, -for the edification of the medical man—telling, not only all about her -pains and aches, but her “trials with that man,” her husband—her brutal -usage, her scanty wardrobe, her mortification on seeing Mrs. Outsprout -appear in a new blue silk, and a “love of a bonnet,” and (after -entertaining the doctor with wine and good things) finally wind up in -hysterical sobs—for which he prescribed, as follows:—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="table"> -<tr><td>℞.</td><td><span class="spacer2"> </span></td><td>One new silk dress—first quality.</td></tr> -<tr><td> </td><td> </td><td>One hat and feather.</td></tr> -<tr><td> </td><td> </td><td>One diamond—solitaire—aq. prim.</td></tr></table> - -<p>Apply to patient. And 1 coach and span, to Central Park, P. M.</p></div> - -<p>The husband enjoyed the joke; the wife enjoyed the clothes, the diamond -pin, and the ride; and the doctor heard no more of their quarrels.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_526" id="Page_526">[Pg 526]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Heroic Doses.</span></p> - -<p>Just prior to the year 1800, two brothers, named Taylor, emerged from -obscurity in Yorkshire, and set up for doctors. They were farriers, and -from shoeing they advanced to doctoring and bleeding horses, thence to -drugging and butchering those of their fellow-creatures who naturally -preferred brute doctors to respectable physicians. Their system of -practice was a wholesale one.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img155.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">DOSE—ONE QUART EVERY HOUR.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Soft chirurgions make foul sores,” said Boleyn, the grandfather of the -beautiful and unfortunate Anne Boleyn. The Taylors struck no soft blows, -“but opened the warfare against disease by bombardment of shot and shell -in all directions. They bled their patients by the gallon, and drugged -them, as they did the cattle, by the stone. Their druggists, Ewbank & -Wallis, of York, supplied them with a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_527" id="Page_527">[Pg 527]</a></span> ton of Glauber’s salts at a time. -Scales and weights in their dispensary were regarded as bugbears of -ignoble minds. Everything was mixed by the scoop or handful. If they -ordered broth for a delicate patient, they directed the nurse to boil a -large leg of mutton in a copper of water, down to a strong decoction, and -administer a quart at stated intervals,” <i>nolens volens?</i></p> - -<p>The little Abbe de Voisenon, the celebrated wit and dramatic writer -(1708-1775), was once sick at the chateau near Melum, and his physician -ordered him to drink a quart of ptisan (a decoction of barley and other -ingredients) every hour.</p> - -<p>“What was the effect of the ptisan?” asked the doctor, on his next visit.</p> - -<p>“None,” replied the Abbe.</p> - -<p>“Have you swallowed it all?”</p> - -<p>“No; I could not take but half of it at once.”</p> - -<p>“No more than half! My order was the whole,” exclaimed the doctor.</p> - -<p>“Ah! now, friend,” said the Abbe, “how could you expect me to swallow a -quart at a time, when I hold only a pint?”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Drowning a Fever.</span></p> - -<p>As the next anecdote has had to do service for more than one physician, it -is immaterial which doctor it was. He was an irascible old fellow, at -least, and not at all careful in leaving orders.</p> - -<p>“Your husband is very sick, woman,” said the doctor to the wife of an -Irish laborer. “His fever is high, and skin as dry as a fish, or a parish -contribution box. You must give him plenty of cold water, all he will -drink, and to-night I’ll see him again. There, don’t come snivelling -around me. My heart is steeled against that sort of thing. But, as you -want something to cry for, just hear me. Your husband<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_528" id="Page_528">[Pg 528]</a></span> isn’t going to die! -There, now, I know you are disappointed, but you brought it on to -yourself.” Going away—“Mind, lots of water—”</p> - -<p>“Wather, sir! Hoo much wather, docther dear? He shall have it, but, yer -honor didn’t tell me hoo much wather I must give him.”</p> - -<p>“Zounds, woman, haven’t I told you to give him all he will take? Hoo much? -Give him a couple of buckets full, if he will swallow them. Do you hear -now? Two buckets full.”</p> - -<p>“The Lord bless yer honor,” cried the woman; and the doctor made his -escape.</p> - -<p>At evening the doctor stopped, on his return, to ask after the patient. -“How is he, woman?” asked the doctor.</p> - -<p>“O, he’s been tuck away, save yer honor,” cried the widow. “The wather did -him no good, only we couldn’t get down the right quantity. We did our -best, doctor dear, and got down him better nor a pailful and a half, when -he slipped away from us. Ah, if we could oonly ha’ got him to swaller the -other half pailful, he might not have died, yer honor.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">An exact Science.</span></p> - -<p>It is sometimes painfully amusing to observe, not only the difference of -opinion expressed by medical men from one generation to another, but by -those of the same period, and same school.</p> - -<p>In the “London Lancet” of July, 1864, there appeared a curious table. A -medical practitioner, who had long suffered from hay fever, had from time -to time consulted various other medical men by letter, and he gives us in -a tabular survey the opinions they gave him of the causes of this disease, -and the remedies, as follows:—</p> - -<p>“Herewith,” writes Dr. Jones, “I forward a synopsis of the opinions of a -few of the most eminent men, in various countries, that I have consulted. -I have substituted a letter<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_529" id="Page_529">[Pg 529]</a></span> for the name, as I do not think it prudent to -place before the general reader the names of those who have so disagreed.”</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>Consulted.</td> - <td align="center">Opinion of Cause.</td><td><span class="spacer2"> </span></td> - <td align="center">Recommended.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Dr. A.</td> - <td>A predisposition to phthisis.</td><td> </td> - <td>Quinine and sea voyage.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Dr. B.</td> - <td>Disease of pneumogastric nerve.</td><td> </td> - <td>Arsen., bell., and cinchona.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Dr. C.</td> - <td>Disease of the caruncula.</td><td> </td> - <td>Apply bell. and zinc.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Dr. D.</td> - <td>Inflammation of Schneiderian membrane.</td><td> </td> - <td>To paint with nitrate of silver.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Dr. E.</td> - <td>Strumous diathesis.</td><td> </td> - <td>Quinine, cod liver oil, and wine.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Dr. F.</td> - <td>Dyspepsia.</td><td> </td> - <td>Kreosote, henbane, quinine.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Dr. G.</td> - <td>Vapor of chlorophyll.</td><td> </td> - <td>Remain in a room from 11 A. M. to 6 P. M.</td></tr> -<tr><td valign="top">Dr. H.</td> - <td valign="top">Light debility, hay pollen.</td><td> </td> - <td>Do., port wine, snuff, salt, and opium, and<br /><span style="margin-left: 1em;">wear blue glasses.</span></td></tr> -<tr><td valign="top">Dr. L.</td> - <td>From large doses of iodine.<br /><span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Never took any iodine.)</span></td><td> </td> - <td valign="bottom">Try quinine and opium.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Dr. M.</td> - <td>Disease of iris.</td><td> </td> - <td>Avoid the sun’s rays from 11 A. M. to 6 P. M.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Dr. N.</td> - <td>Want of red corpuscles.</td><td> </td> - <td>Try iron, port wine, and soups.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Dr. O.</td> - <td>Disease of optic nerve.</td><td> </td> - <td>Phosph. ac. and quinine.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Dr. P.</td> - <td>Asthma from hay pollen.</td><td> </td> - <td>Chlorodyne and quinine.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Dr. Q.</td> - <td>Phrenitis.</td><td> </td> - <td>Small doses of opium.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Dr. R.</td> - <td>Nervous debility, from heat.</td><td> </td> - <td>Turkish baths.</td></tr></table> - -<p>This needs no comment.</p> - -<p>The different opinions on doses of medicine is more absurd. We have -already mentioned cases wherein certain physicians administered calomel in -scruple, and even drachm doses. Before us is a work wherein it is -seriously asserted that a medicinal action was obtained from the two -hundredth trituration,—a dose so small, in comparison with the scruple -doses, as to be counted only by the <i>millionths</i>.</p> - -<p>How many of us have had to wake up mornings, and swallow a table-spoonful -of sulphur and molasses, with mingled feelings of disgust at the sulphur, -and exquisite delight from the molasses, as we retired, lapping our -mouths, to get the last taste! Now, L. B. Wells, M. D., of New York, -informs us that he has cured an eruption of the skin by the use of the -four thousandth dilution of sulphur,—so <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_530" id="Page_530">[Pg 530]</a></span>comparatively small that I -cannot express it by figures. Well, these extremes have their uses, and we -may look for relief in the mediate ground. The smaller we can get the -dose, and still be reliable, the better we shall suit the people,—though -we shall seriously offend the apothecaries.</p> - -<p>Dr. Francis, in his book, “Surgeons of New York,” tells the following, -which illustrates how a desperate remedy may apply to a desperate disease. -The cases in reference were “peritonitis.” Dr. Smith (our “plough-boy”) -had charge of the lying-in wards, under Professor Clark.</p> - -<p>“Dr. Smith, have you ever attended a common school?” asked Professor -Clark.</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir.”</p> - -<p>“Did you ever hear a teacher say, ‘I will whip you within an inch of your -life?’” pursued Dr. Clark.</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir; I have.”</p> - -<p>“Well, that is the way I wish you to give opium to these patients,—‘to -within an inch of their lives.’”</p> - -<p>Dr. Smith determined to follow implicitly his instructions, and gave to -one as high as twelve grains of opium an hour.</p> - -<p>“At this extreme point the remedy was maintained for several days.</p> - -<p>“The patient recovered, and remained in the hospital, attached to kitchen -service, for several months.”</p> - -<p>Certainly, the poor Irish, even, have their uses in New York city.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Mineral Springs.</span></p> - -<p>The writer, having spent much time at the various mineral springs -throughout the United States, and partaken of the water of some for weeks -in succession, is competent to give an opinion as to their merits. -Collectively, they are commendable, especially those located in country -places, away from scenes of dissipation and profligacy.</p> - -<p>The only reliable way to expect benefit from spring waters<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_531" id="Page_531">[Pg 531]</a></span> is to select -one by the advice of your physician, and go direct to the spring.</p> - -<p>Much of the bottled waters sold are “doctored,” either by the retailer, -the wholesaler, or often at the springs from where they are exported. Who -is to know whether Vichy, Kissengen, Saratoga, or even Vermont mineral -water, as sold by the package, ever saw the respective springs from which -they are named? The various mineral waters are easily made, by adding to -carbonized water such peculiar minerals, or salts, as analysis has shown -exists in the natural springs. I knew a man who affirmed that he ruined a -suit of clothes, while employed at a certain spring, by the acids with -which he “doctored” the water, before it was shipped. Sulphuret of -potassium covers the properties of many springs; iron others.</p> - -<p>It has been intimated that the waters of a celebrated spring which I -visited is indebted for its peculiar flavor to an old tannery, which, -within the memory of that mythical being, “the oldest inhabitant,” -occupied the site where this favorite spring “gushes forth.” Having no -desire to be tanned inside,—after my boyhood’s experience in that -delightful external process,—I respectfully declined drinking from this -spring.</p> - -<p>By the immense quantities of “spring water” gulped down hourly and daily -by visitors, one is led to suppose the cure lies in a thorough washing -out. There is an excellent spring near Nashville, Tenn., from which I -drank for a week; also another at Sheldon, Vt. There are three different -springs at this latter place, but I prefer the “Sheldon” to either of the -other two. I discovered a good spring at Newport, Vt., and there are -others in that vicinity.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Cold Drinks vs. Warm Drinks.</span></p> - -<p>“Drink freely of cold water,” says an author of no small repute, to -persons of a weak stomach, viz., dyspeptics.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_532" id="Page_532">[Pg 532]</a></span>When I was an apprentice, my master (Sir Charles Blicke) used to say, “O, -sir, you are faint: pray drink this water.” “And what do you think was the -effect of putting cold water into a man’s stomach, under these -circumstances?” asks the great Dr. Abernethy. “Why, of course, that it was -often rejected in his face.” Never put cold water, or cold victuals, into -a weak stomach.</p> - -<p>The above surgeon is responsible for the following advice.</p> - -<p>An Irishman called in great haste upon the doctor, saying,—</p> - -<p>“O, dochter—be jabers, me b’y Tim has swallowed a mouse.”</p> - -<p>“Then, Paddy, be jabers, let your boy Tim swallow a cat.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Old Lady and the Pump.</span></p> - -<p>One can readily conceive the utility of a warm bath—even a cold water -bath, if the bather is robust—or a steam bath, a vapor, or a sun bath; -but the advantage of the absurdity which the nineteenth century has -introduced from antiquity, viz., the dry cupping, or pumping treatment, is -not so self-evident.</p> - -<p>An old lady, suffering from “rheumatism, and a humor of the blood,” was -persuaded to visit a “pump-doctor’s” rooms.</p> - -<p>“What’s that hollow thing for?” she nervously inquired.</p> - -<p>“That is a limb-receiver,” replied the polite operator. “If the disease is -in the limb, we enclose it within this; the rubber excludes the air, and -to this faucet we affix the pump, and remove the air from the limb.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, yes; but I thought air was necessary to health; besides, I don’t see -how that is going to cure the limb. Does it add anything to, or take -anything from the limb?” she inquired.</p> - -<p>“Well—no—yes; that is, it draws the disease out from that part.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_533" id="Page_533">[Pg 533]</a></span>“Yes, yes; but suppose the disease is all over the person, as mine is.”</p> - -<p>“Then we place them in this,” putting his hand upon an article which she -had not before discovered.</p> - -<p>“That? Why, that looks like the case to a Dutchman’s pipe, only a sight -times larger. And do tell if you shet folks up in that box,” cautiously -approaching and examining it.</p> - -<p>The operator assured her such was the case.</p> - -<p>“Is the disease left in the box when you are done pumping? Does it really -suck all the disease into the thing by the process?” she inquired.</p> - -<p>“Well, madam, you put your questions in a remarkable manner. But it -displaces the air around the person, and the vital principle within forces -out the disease. It is certain to benefit all diseases,” he replied.</p> - -<p>“Well, I don’t see how it can, if it can’t be seen. Does it act as physic, -emetic, a bath, or do the sores follow right out of the blood into the -box?”</p> - -<p>“Neither, madam.” The operator was very patient. “Just try the -limb-receiver first; then you can tell better about the whole treatment.”</p> - -<p>After much persuasion, and by the assistance of the female operator, the -old lady was seated, and the limb-receiver adjusted. Now the man in the -next room began to pump. The old lady was very nervous, and felt for her -snuff-box, and while so doing the man was still pumping. Having taken the -snuff, her mind again referred to the limb in the box, and the pressure -(suction) having naturally increased, her nervousness overcame her, and -with a scream and a bound she left the chair and rushed for the door, -dragging the receiver, which clung tight to the one limb, rather -outweighing the boot and hose of the other, drawing the gutta-percha pipe -after her, which only added to her fright, and with another scream for -“help,” and “O, will nobody save me?—O, murder, murder!” she, like a -bound lion, went<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_534" id="Page_534">[Pg 534]</a></span> the length of her chain, and tumbled over in a heap on -the floor. The woman rushed from behind the screen, the man from the -pump-room, and rescued the old lady, who fled to her carriage in waiting; -and doubtless to her dying day she will continue to tell of how narrowly -she escaped “being sucked entirely through that gutta-percha pipe—only -for her having on a bustle.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Country Mistakes.</span></p> - -<p>A Canadian, of a nervous, consumptive diathesis, went down to Portland, -Maine, to consult a physician, and fell in with old Dr. F., whom he found -busily engaged in examining some papers. The old doctor heard his case, -and hurriedly wrote him a prescription. The chirography of the doctor was -none of the best, yet the Portland druggists, who were familiar with his -scrawls, could easily decipher his prescriptions. Not so the country -apothecary, to whom the patient took the recipe, to save expense, which -was something as follows: “Spiritus frumenti et valerianum,” etc.; then -followed the directions for taking.</p> - -<p>After much delay and consultation with the green-grocer boy, it was put up -as a painter’s article, viz., “spirits turpentine and varnish.”</p> - -<p>The first glass-full satisfied the invalid.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Drunk, or Sober.</span></p> - -<p>A gentleman, knowing the parties in his boyhood, rehearsed to me the -following anecdote:—</p> - -<p>Old Dr. Gallup, of ——, N. H., was an excellent physician, whose failing -lay in his propensity to imbibe more spirits then he could carry off.</p> - -<p>“Are you drunk, or sober?” was no unusual question, put by those requiring -his services, before permitting the old doctor to prescribe.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_535" id="Page_535">[Pg 535]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 329px;"><img src="images/img156.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“PUMPING” AN OLD LADY.</p> -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 352px;"><img src="images/img157.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A DANGEROUS PRESCRIPTION.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_536" id="Page_536">[Pg 536]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_537" id="Page_537">[Pg 537]</a></span>“Sober as a judge. What—hic—do you want?” he would reply.</p> - -<p>Mr. B., who had been a long time confined to his house, under the care of -an old fogy doctor, one of the “Gods of Medicine,” with whom all knowledge -remains, and with whom all knowledge dies, after taking nearly all the -drugs contained in his Materia Medica, decided to change, and sent for Dr. -Gallup.</p> - -<p>“Are you drunk, or sober, doctor?” was the first salutation.</p> - -<p>“Sober as a judge. What’s wanted?” was the reply, omitting the “hic.”</p> - -<p>“Can you cure me? I’ve been blistered and parboiled, puked and physicked, -bled in vein and pocket for the last three months. Now, can you cure me?”</p> - -<p>Gallup looked over the case, and the medicine left by the other doctor, -threw the latter all out of the window, ordered a nourishing diet, told -Mr. B. to take no more drugs, took his fee, and left. Mr. B. recovered -without another visit.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img158.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_538" id="Page_538">[Pg 538]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXI" id="XXI"></a>XXI.</h2> -<p class="title">SCENES FROM HOSPITAL AND CAMP.</p> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>“HE FOUGHT MIT SIEGEL.”—A HOSPITAL SCENE AT NIGHT.—ADMINISTERING -ANGELS.—“WATER! WATER!”—THE SOLDIER-BOY’S DYING MESSAGE.—THE -WELL-WORN BIBLE.—WARM HEARTS IN FROZEN BODIES.—“PUDDING AND -MILK.”—THE POETICAL AND AMUSING SIDE.—“TO AMELIA.”—MY LOVE AND -I.—A SCRIPTURAL CONUNDRUM.—MARRYING A REGIMENT.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p class="poem">I met him again; he was trudging along,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">His knapsack with chickens was swelling;</span><br /> -He’d “blenkered” these dainties, and thought it no wrong,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">From some secessionist’s dwelling.</span><br /> -“What regiment’s yours, and under whose flag<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Do you fight?” said I, touching his shoulder;</span><br /> -Turning slowly about, he smilingly said,—<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For the thought made him stronger and bolder,—</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 7em;">“I fights mit Siegel.”</span><br /> -<br /> -The next time I saw him, his knapsack was gone,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">His cap and his canteen were missing;</span><br /> -Shell, shrapnell, and grape, and the swift rifle-ball,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Around him and o’er him were hissing.</span><br /> -“How are you, my friend, and where have you been?<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And for what, and for whom, are you fighting?”</span><br /> -He said, as a shell from the enemy’s gun<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Sent his arm and his musket a-kiting,</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 7em;">“I fights mit Siegel.”</span><br /> -<br /> -We scraped out his grave, and he dreamlessly sleeps<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On the bank of the Shenandoah River;</span><br /> -His home and his kindred alike are unknown,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">His reward in the hands of the Giver.</span><br /> -We placed a rough board at the head of his grave,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">“And we left him alone in his glory,”</span><br /> -But on it we cut, ere we turned from the spot,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The little we knew of his story—</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 7em;">“I fights mit Siegel.”—<span class="smcap">Grant P. Robinson.</span></span></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_539" id="Page_539">[Pg 539]</a></span>If any of the little “life stories” which I here relate in this brief -chapter, have perchance before met the reader’s eye, I can only say that -they cannot be read too often. We need no longer go back to remotest -history—to Joan d’Arc, Grace Darling, Florence Nightingale, nor to -revolutionary scenes—to find “cases of courage and devotion, for no -annals are so rich as ours in these deliberate acts of unquestioning -self-sacrifice, which at once ennoble our estimate of human nature, and -increase the homage we pay to the virtues of women.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Hospital Scene at Night.</span></p> - -<p>Night gathered her sable mantle about earth and sky, and the cold, wintry -wind swept around the temporary hospital with a mournful wail, a rude -lullaby, and a sad requiem to the wounded and dying soldier boys who -crowded its rankling wards. Through the dark, sickly atmosphere, by the -flickering lamp-lights, are just discernible the long rows of suffering, -dying humanity. As the wind lulls, the sighs and groans of the unfortunate -sufferers greet your ears on every side. “Water, water!” is the general -request.</p> - -<p>Every moment new ones are added to the mangled and suffering throng, as -they are brought in from the battle-field and the amputating-room. The -surgeons are busily at work. Every able-bodied soldier must be at the -front, for the emergency is great. Ah! who shall give the “water” which -raging thirst momentarily demands? Who is to soothe the fearful anguish, -from lacerated nerve and muscle, by cruel shot and shell? And who shall -smooth the dying pillow, hear the last prayer, for self, and for loved -ones far away in the northern homes? And who will kindly receive the dying -messages for those dear ones,—wife, children, father, mother,—whom he -never will see again, and kiss the pallid cheek, commend the soul to God, -and close the eyes forever of the poor soldier boy, who died away from -home and friends, in the hospital?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_540" id="Page_540">[Pg 540]</a></span>God himself had raised up those to fill this sacred office, in the form of -frail women—woman, because no man could fill the hallowed sphere. -Flitting from couch to couch, like a fairy thing, noiselessly; like an -angel of mercy, administering, soothing; but like a <i>woman</i>, beautiful, -frail, and slender, with a cheering smile, and sympathy, as much expressed -in the light of the eye as the sound of the voice, she moistened the -parched lips, lightened the pillows, and the hearts, and seemed never to -tire in deeds of love and kindness to the distressed soldiers.</p> - -<p>Next to the soldiers, the physicians know how to appreciate the true women -at the hospital couch. After the manifestations of skill, labor, anxiety, -and devotion to the cause by the physicians, thousands of men would have -perished but for the hand and heart of woman, and who now live to speak -her praise and cherish her memory forever.</p> - -<p>“Ain’t she an angel?” said a gray-haired veteran, as she gave the boys -their breakfast. “She never seems to tire; she is always smiling, and -don’t seem to walk, but flies from one to another. God bless her.”</p> - -<p>“Ma’am, where did you come from?” asked a fair boy of seventeen summers, -as she smoothed his hair, and told him, with gleaming eyes, he would soon -see his mother, and the old homestead, and be won back to life and health. -“How could such a lady as you come way down here to take care of us poor, -sick, dirty boys?”</p> - -<p>“I consider it an honor,” she said, “to wait on you, and wash off the mud -you have waded through for me.”</p> - -<p>Said another, “Lady, please write down your name, that I may look at it, -and take it home, and show my wife who wrote my letters, combed my hair, -and fed me. I don’t believe you’re like other people.”</p> - -<p>“God bless her, and spare her life,” they would say, with devotion, as she -passed on.</p> - -<p>(These things were written of Miss Breckenbridge by Mrs. Hoge, of -Chicago.)</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_541" id="Page_541">[Pg 541]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Soldier Boy’s Dying Message.</span></p> - -<p>She sat by the couch of a fair-haired boy, who was that day mortally -wounded. It was night now, and in the hospital before described. The poor -boy knew he must go, but before he died he wanted to leave a message of -love for his mother, away in the northern home.</p> - -<p>“Tell me all you wish to have her know; I will convey your message to -her,” said the lady, as she bent her slender young form over the dying -boy, and tenderly smoothed back the fleecy locks from his pallid brow.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 327px;"><img src="images/img159.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE DYING MESSAGE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“O, bless you, dear lady. You speak words of such joy to me. But it is -this. I left a good mother, and sister Susie, in the dear old home in A. -O, so much I have longed to see them during these last few hours! to see -them but for one moment! O God, but for one moment!” And while he took -breath she turned away her beautiful face to hide the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_542" id="Page_542">[Pg 542]</a></span> falling tears, -which she must not let the poor boy see. “Tell her,” he pursued,—“my -mother,—that I never found out how much I loved her till I came away from -her side to fight for my country. O, lady, tell her this, and Susie, and -poor father. I see it all now. And the old home comes back to my mind as -clear as though I left it but yesterday. There is the old house, with its -gabled roof, and the porch, all covered with clinging jessamines, and the -big house-dog lying under the porch, and the great old well-sweep; and off -in the meadow are the trees I used to climb. O, I never, never shall see -them again. I feel very weak. Can’t I have some more of that drink?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, poor, dear boy. Here; the surgeon said you could have all you -wanted.”</p> - -<p>“O, thank you. I wish I could write. O, there; that is so refreshing. If I -could but write and tell her how good you have been to me! But write your -name to her, the whole of it. She will understand, if you don’t tell her -how good you are. Well, I won’t say any more, for you shake your head; but -tell her how I love her, and them all. Am I fainting?”</p> - -<p>She arose from her knees, and taking some water, with her hand she -moistened his brow and his silky hair, and offered him some more of the -strengthening cordial. But he declined taking it. The boy was dying. He -made one more effort, and said,—</p> - -<p>“Mother! Tell her, too, how I have kept her little Bible; and she can see -how it has been read, and marked, and worn. O for one sight of her dear -face, one look from her loving eyes, one kiss from her lips! I’d then die -in peace.”</p> - -<p>The beautiful lady softly smoothed his hair, wiped his face, whispered -words too sacred for sterner hearts, and kissed away her own tears from -his pallid cheeks.</p> - -<p>“Mother! Was it you? Then good by. I die—happy, Mother!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_543" id="Page_543">[Pg 543]</a></span>Thus he expired. The good lady wrote the above to the mother of the brave -lad, and thus I obtained the original.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Warm Hearts in frozen Bodies.</span></p> - -<p>“A lady in one of the hospitals of the west was much attracted by two -young men, lying side by side, all splintered and bandaged, so that they -could not move hand or foot, but so cheerful and happy looking, that she -said,—</p> - -<p>“‘Why, boys, you are looking very bright to-day.’</p> - -<p>“‘O, yes,’ they replied, ‘we’re all right now; we’ve been turned this -morning.’</p> - -<p>“And she found that for six long weeks they had lain in one position, and -for the first time that morning had been moved to the other side of their -cot.</p> - -<p>“‘And were you among those poor boys who were left lying where you fell, -that bitter cold morning, till you froze fast to the ground?’</p> - -<p>“‘Yes, ma’am; we were lying there two days. You know they had no time to -attend to us. They had to go and take the fort.’</p> - -<p>“‘And didn’t you think it was very cruel in them to leave you there to -suffer so long?’ she inquired.</p> - -<p>“‘Why, no, ma’am; we wanted them to go and take the fort.’</p> - -<p>“‘But when it was taken, you were in too great agony to know or care for -it?’</p> - -<p>“‘O, no, ma’am,’ they replied, with flashing eyes. ‘There was a whole lot -of us wounded fellows on the hill-side, watching to see if they would get -the fort; and when we saw they had it, every one of us who had a whole -arm, or leg, waved it in the air, and hurrahed till the air rang again.’”</p> - -<p>This is from a letter by Miss M. E. Breckenbridge, a lady who laid down -her life for the sick soldiers.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_544" id="Page_544">[Pg 544]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Pudding and Milk.</span></p> - -<p>Under Dr. Vanderkieft’s supervision, in Sedgwick’s corps, there was one of -the noblest self-sacrificing women of the army of the Potomac. This lady -was unwearied in her efforts for the good of the soldiers.</p> - -<p>While at Smoketown Hospital, there was a poor, emaciated soldier, whose -weak and pitiable condition attracted her attention. He could retain -nothing on his stomach. Mrs. Lee—for that was the lady—had tried all the -various dishes for which the meagre hospital supplies afforded materials, -but nothing afforded the patient relief and nourishment, until one day, in -overhauling the stores, she found a quantity of Indian corn meal.</p> - -<p>“O, I have found a prize,” she cried, in delight.</p> - -<p>“What is it?” inquired the little fellow detailed as orderly.</p> - -<p>“Indian meal,” was her reply.</p> - -<p>“Pshaw! I thought you had found a bag of dollars.”</p> - -<p>“Better than dollars. Bring it along.” And she hastened away to the tent -where lay her poor patient.</p> - -<p>“Sanburn,” said she,—for that was the invalid’s name,—“could you eat -some mush?”</p> - -<p>“I don’t know what that is. I don’t like any of your fancy dishes.”</p> - -<p>“Why, it’s pudding and milk,” said a boy on the next cot.</p> - -<p>“O, yes,” exclaimed the starving soldier. “I think I could eat a bucket -full of pudding and milk.”</p> - -<p>Mrs. Lee was not long in giving him an opportunity for the trial. She at -first brought him a small quantity, with some sweet milk, and to her joy, -as well as that of the lean, hungry patient, it suited him. He ate it -three times a day, and recovered. Indeed, the sack of meal was worth more -than a sack of dollars, as she had said.</p> - -<p>As strange as this may seem, there are instances on record where very -remarkable, yea, absurd articles of diet have cured where medicine -failed.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_545" id="Page_545">[Pg 545]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Small Beer.</span></p> - -<p>The Earl of Bath, when he was Mr. Pulteney, was very sick of the -pleuristic fever, in Staffordshire. Doctor after doctor had been called -down from London, till his secretary had paid out the sum of three -thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars. The last two physicians had -given him up. “He must die,” said Drs. Friend and Broxholm. They, however -prescribed some simple remedies, and were about to leave, when the -invalid, just alive, was heard to mutter, “Small beer.”</p> - -<p>“He asks for small beer,” said the attendants. “Shall we give him some?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, give him ‘small beer,’ or anything,” replied the doctors.</p> - -<p>A great two-quart silver pitcher full was brought, and he drank the whole -contents, and demanded more. The request was granted, and, after drinking -the gallon, he fell asleep, perspired freely, and recovered.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The poetical and amusing Side.</span></p> - -<p>There is a poetical side, as well as a prosy side, to the camp and -hospital. The following effusion of confusion was sent to the writer by a -brother who gave his life for his country. It was written by a rebel -soldier, who never realized his dream, and doubtless his “Amelia” mourns -his loss as sincerely as though he had fought in a better cause.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">To Amelia.</span></p> - -<p>1. O, come, my love, and go away to the land up north; for there, they -say, it’s rite good picketin’ for rebel boys. And we’ll take the land, and -sweep the band of New Yorkers into the bay.</p> - -<p>2. I’ve heered of Delmonico’s, and Barnum’s Shows, and how many hotels the -land only knows. And we’ll steer our bark for Centre Park. Here’s a health -to ourselves, and away she goes. (Here I drank.)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_546" id="Page_546">[Pg 546]</a></span>3. Then come with your knight so true, and down with the boys that’s -dressed in blue. Farewell to hoe-cake an’ hominy, Richmond and Montgomery. -I’ll lick the damn Yankees, an’ marry you.</p> - -<p>4. Here’s a heart, I reckon, as firm’s a rock; no truer ever beat neath a -gray or blue frock. So come, my love, and haste away. We’ll moor our bark -in New York Bay, when I end this fighting work.</p> - -<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your true lover,</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 4em;"><span class="smcap">J. Parsloe</span>.</span></p> - -<p>The next has been in print, and was written by Major McKnight, while a -prisoner. “He was a poet, musician, and joker, and used to run from grave -to gay, from lively to severe, on almost all mottoes. He was an especial -favorite with his guard, the Union boys.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">My Love and I.</span></p> - -<p class="poem">My love reposes in a rosewood frame;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">A bunk have I;</span><br /> -A couch of feath’ry down fills up the same;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Mine’s straw, but dry.</span><br /> -She sinks to rest at night without a sigh;<br /> -With waking eyes I watch the hours creep by.<br /> -<br /> -My love her daily dinner takes in state;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And so do I;</span><br /> -The richest viands flank her plate;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Coarse grub have I.</span><br /> -Pure wines she sips at ease her thirst to slake;<br /> -I pump my drink from Erie’s limpid lake.<br /> -<br /> -My love has all the world at will to roam;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Three acres I;</span><br /> -She goes abroad, or quiet sits at home;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">So cannot I.</span><br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_547" id="Page_547">[Pg 547]</a></span>Bright angels watch around her couch at night;<br /> -A Yank, with loaded gun, keeps me in sight.<br /> -<br /> -A thousand weary miles stretch between<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">My love and I;</span><br /> -To her, this wintry night, cold, calm, serene,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">I waft a sigh,</span><br /> -And hope, with all my earnestness of soul,<br /> -To-morrow’s mail may bring me my parole.<br /> -<br /> -There’s hope ahead: we’ll one day meet again,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">My love and I;</span><br /> -We’ll wipe away all tears of sorrow then;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Her love-lit eye</span><br /> -Will all my many troubles then beguile,<br /> -And keep this wayward reb from Johnson’s Isle.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img160.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">STUCK!</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Scriptural Conundrum.</span></p> - -<p>The Georgia contrabands were great on conundrums, says a soldier of -Sherman’s army. One day one of these human<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_548" id="Page_548">[Pg 548]</a></span> “charcoal sketches” was -driving a pair of contrary mules hitched to a cart loaded with foraging -stuff. He was sitting on the load, saying to himself, “Now dat Clem ax me -dat cundrum to bodder dis nigger, and I done just make it out. ‘Why ar -Moses like er cotton-gin?’ I done see. I mighty ’fraid I hab to gib dat -up. Whoa! Git up? What de debble you doin’?”</p> - -<p>While “cudgelling his brains” for a solution of Clem’s conundrum, the -mules had strayed from the cart road, and were stuck hard and fast in the -mud. “Git up dar yer Balum’s cusses!” piling on the whip and using some -“swear words” not to be repeated. “Dar, take dat, and dat, yer!”</p> - -<p>Just then Chaplain C. rode up, and hearing the contraband swearing, -said,—</p> - -<p>“Do you know what the great I Am said?”</p> - -<p>“Look’er yer, masser,” interrupted the negro; “done yer ax me none of yer -cundrums till I git out ob dis d—— hole; and I answer Clem’s fust—‘Why -am Moses like er gin-cotton?’”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Wouldn’t marry a Regiment.</span></p> - -<p>When General Kelley was after Mosby’s guerrillas, he captured a girl named -Sally Dusky, whose two brothers were officers in the guerrilla band. The -general tried in vain to induce the girl—who was not bad looking, by the -way—to reveal the rebs’ hiding-places. Having failed in all other ways, -the general said,—</p> - -<p>“If you will make a clean breast of it, and tell us truly, I will give you -the chances for a husband of all the men and officers of my command.”</p> - -<p>With this bait he turned her over to Captain Baggs. After some -deliberation she asked that officer if the general meant what he said.</p> - -<p>“O, most assuredly; the general was sincere,” was his reply.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_549" id="Page_549">[Pg 549]</a></span>The girl assumed a thoughtful mood for some moments, and then said,—</p> - -<p>“Well, I wouldn’t like to marry the whole regiment, or staff, but I’d as -lief have the old general as any of them.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img161.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_550" id="Page_550">[Pg 550]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXII" id="XXII"></a>XXII.</h2> -<p class="title">GLUTTONS AND WINE-BIBBERS.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>“Full well he knew, where food does not refresh,<br /> -The shrivelled soul sinks inward with the flesh;<br /> -That he’s best armed for danger’s rash career,<br /> -<i>Who’s crammed so full there is no room for fear</i>.”<br /> -<br /> -“Strange! that a creature rational, and cast<br /> -In human mould, should brutalize by choice<br /> -His nature.”—<span class="smcap">Cowper.</span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>GOOD CHEER AND A CHEERFUL HEART.—A MODERN SILENUS.—A SAD -WRECK.—DELIRIUM TREMENS.—FATAL ERRORS.—“EATING LIKE A -GLUTTON.”—STRENGTH IN WEAKNESS.—A HOT PLACE, EVEN FOR A COOK.—A -HUNGRY DOCTOR.—THE MODERN GILPIN.—A CHANGE! A SOW FOR A HORSE!—A -DUCK POND.—THE FORLORN WIDOW.—A SCIENTIFIC -GORMAND.—ANOTHER.—“DOORN’T GO TO ’IM,” ETC.—DR. BUTLER’S BEER AND -BATH.—CASTS HIS LAST VOTE.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>If I confine this chapter to modern physicians, it will be brief. Though -doctors are usually pretty good livers, they, at this day of the world, -too well know the deadly properties of the villanous concoctions sold as -liquors to risk much of it in their own systems.</p> - -<p>There is a whole sermon on eating in our first text above, and, while we -admit that gluttony is reprehensible, we detest “the shrivelled soul” who -starves wittingly his body to heap up riches, or under the idle delusion -of starving out disease, or “mortifying the flesh.” If not very -“mortifying,” it is very depressing, to be bored by one of these “lean, -lank hypochondriacs,”—to have to entertain, or be entertained by, such. -O, give me the wide-mouthed, the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_551" id="Page_551">[Pg 551]</a></span> round-faced, or abdomened, the cheerful, -laughing man, especially if he’s a doctor.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img162.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A GOOD LIVER.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Ah, doctor,” said a poor, emaciated invalid to me during my first year’s -practice at ——, “you do me good like a medicine by your presence. Why, -the blue devils leave the house the moment you enter. I don’t believe you -was ever blue.”</p> - -<p>“Hereafter my patients shall never know that I am.”</p> - -<p>Nor is it necessary to gulp down ardent spirits to keep the spirits up. -Stimulants produce an unnatural buoyancy of spirits, and the unnatural -destroys the natural habit of the system. A good and natural habit does -not grow upon a person to his injury; an unnatural one always does, ending -in his destruction. A good living gives good spirits; <i>cæteris paribus</i>, a -poor living low spirits.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A modern Silenus.</span></p> - -<p>Silenus, of the mythologists, was a demigod, who became the nurse, the -preceptor, and finally the attendant, of Bacchus. He was represented as a -fat, bloated old fellow, riding on an ass, and drunk every day in the -year.</p> - -<p>I knew a “bright and shining light” in the medical profession who turned -out a modern Silenus. This was Dr. G., of Plymouth, Conn. His father had -given him the best medical education which this country afforded. He was a -gentleman of superior address, as well as talent, tall, straight, and -handsome as an Apollo, with a dark, flashing eye, a massive brow, shaded -by a profusion of jet-black locks. How long he had practised medicine I do -not know.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_552" id="Page_552">[Pg 552]</a></span> Throughout the county he had an excellent professional -reputation, particularly as a surgeon. His instruments were numerous, and -of the best and latest improvements. Alas that such a man should be lost -to the community, and to humanity! But his appetite for intoxicating drink -knew no bounds. His thirst was as insatiable as Tantalus’.</p> - -<p>When I first knew him, he still was in practice, but the better portion of -the community had ceased to trust him. He never was sober for a day. He -occupied then a little office in the square, containing a front and a back -room. In the latter were his few medicines,—there was no apothecary in -town,—and a number of large glass jars, containing excellent anatomical -and fœtal specimens. This room was not finished inside, and the walls -were full of nails, projecting through from the clapboards outside.</p> - -<p>One day a Mr. Hotchkiss went after him, hoping to find the doctor -sufficiently sober to prescribe for a patient, in a case of emergency.</p> - -<p>“What do you suppose I found him doing?” said Mr. Hotchkiss to me.</p> - -<p>“Hiding from the snakes in his back room?” I suggested.</p> - -<p>“No, sir; he had the tremens, and with his coat off, his hair standing -every way, his eyes glaring like a demon’s, he had his case of forceps -strewn over the floor, and was diving at the ends of the clapboard nails, -which he called devils, that came through the boards, in the back office.”</p> - -<p>“Ah, there you are! Another devil staring at me!” he shouted; and with the -bright, gleaming forceps he dove at a nail, wrenched it from the wall, and -flinging it on the floor, he stamped on it, crying, “Another dead devil! -Come on. Ah, ha! there you are again!” and he dove at another. When he -broke a forceps he flung it on the floor, and caught a new pair. I tried -to stop him, but he only accused me of being leagued with his evil majesty -to destroy him.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_553" id="Page_553">[Pg 553]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 332px;"><img src="images/img163.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A DOCTOR KILLING THE DEVILS.</p> -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 328px;"><img src="images/img164.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">PAYING FOR HIS WINE.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_554" id="Page_554">[Pg 554]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_555" id="Page_555">[Pg 555]</a></span>Another day, after having pawned nearly all his instruments for money -with which to buy liquor to appease his raving appetite, he was seen to -unseal one of the jars containing a fœtal specimen, pour out a quantity -of the diluted alcohol in which it had long been preserved, and drink it -down with the avidity of a starving man.</p> - -<p>His last instrument and case pawned, he sold the coat from his back to buy -liquors. He could no longer get practice, no longer pay his board, and he -became an outcast from all respectable society, and a frequenter of -bar-rooms. A poor and simple old woman in the remote part of the town took -compassion on him, and gave him a home. But nothing could chain his -uncontrollable passion for intoxicating drinks.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img165.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A BAR-ROOM DOCTOR.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The last time I saw him was in the month of December. He was in a grocery, -warming himself by the store fire. He wore a crownless hat, a woman’s -shawl over his shoulders, and a pair of boy’s pants partially covered his -legs; no stockings covered his ankles, and a pair of old, low shoes -encased his feet. The light had fled from his once beautiful, lustrous -eyes; great wrinkles furrowed his once manly brow; his hair, once dark and -glossy as the raven’s wing, was now streaked with gray, uncombed and -unkempt, hanging, knotted and snarled, over his neck and bloated face.</p> - -<p>“Don’t you recollect me?” he asked, with a shaking voice and a distressing -effort at a smile. Ah, it was sickening to the senses.</p> - -<p>Alas! Such another wreck may I never behold. What power shall awaken him -from his awful condition, and</p> - -<p class="poem"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_556" id="Page_556">[Pg 556]</a></span> -“Picture a happy past,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Gone from his sight,</span><br /> -Bring back his early youth,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Cloudless and bright;</span><br /> -Tell how a mother’s eye<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Watched while he slept,</span><br /> -Tell how she prayed for him,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Sorrowed and wept.</span><br /> -<br /> -“Point to the better land,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Home of the blest,</span><br /> -Where she has passed away,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Gone to her rest.</span><br /> -O’er the departed one<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Memory will yearn;</span><br /> -God, in his mercy, grant<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He may return.”</span></p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Fatal Errors.</span></p> - -<p>Unfortunately, it is much easier to copy a great man’s imperfections than -those qualities which give him his greatness. Too often, also, are their -defects mistaken for their marks of distinction,—vice for virtue,—and -copied by the young, who have not the ability to imitate their greatness.</p> - -<p>“General Grant smokes!”</p> - -<p>“<i>President</i> Grant drinks!”</p> - -<p>These two sentences, with the lamentable fact of their probable truth, -have made more smokers of young men in the military and civil walks of -life than all other texts in the English language. General or President -Grant is not responsible for the lack of brains in the community, to be -sure; but if “great men” will persist in bad habits, young men should be -taught the difference between them and their virtues, and cautioned to -shun them, or their bark will be stranded far out of sight of their -desired haven,—the port of their ambition,—and nothing but a worthless -wreck remains to tell what better piloting might have done for them. The -voyage ended cannot be re-commenced.</p> - -<p>A student of medicine, in New York, brought a bottle of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_557" id="Page_557">[Pg 557]</a></span> liquor to our -room. I told him where that bottle would carry him.</p> - -<p>“Pshaw! It’s only a pint of wine. Dr. Abernethy, the great English -surgeon, bought one hundred and twenty-six gallons at once, and he did not -<i>die a drunkard</i>,” was his contemptuous reply.</p> - -<p>“But you must remember that Abernethy lived in the days of <i>good</i> port -wine, when every man had something to say of the sample his hospitality -produced of his popular beverage. The doctor, who never was intemperate, -was very hospitable.</p> - -<p>“‘Honest John Lloyd!’—what an anomaly when applied to a rum-seller—was a -great wine merchant of London, a particular friend of Abernethy’s, and of -all great men of his day, who loved wines and brandies.</p> - -<p>“One day I went to Lloyd’s just as Dr. Abernethy left.</p> - -<p>“‘Well,’ said Mr. Lloyd, ‘what a funny man your master is.’</p> - -<p>“‘Who?’ said I.</p> - -<p>“Why, Mr. Abernethy. He has just been here and paid me for a pipe of wine, -and threw down a handful of notes and pieces of paper, with fees. I wanted -him to stop to see if they were all right, and said, ‘Some of those fees -may be more than you think, perhaps.’ ‘Never mind,’ said he; ‘I can’t -stop; you have them as I took them,’ and hastily went his way.</p> - -<p>“In occasional habits we may most safely recollect that faults are no less -faults (as Mirabeau said of Frederick the Great) because they have the -shadow of a great name; and we believe that no good man would desire to -leave a better expiation of any weakness than that it should deter others -from a similar error.”</p> - -<p>In fact, the doctor was opposed to drunkenness, and also gluttony, -although he himself “was a good liver,” as the following anecdote will -show:—</p> - -<p>A wealthy merchant who resided in the country had been<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_558" id="Page_558">[Pg 558]</a></span> very sick, and -barely recovered, when, from the same cause, he was again threatened with -a return of the like disease.</p> - -<p>“I went to see him at home, and dined with him. He seemed to think that if -he did not drink deeply, he might <i>eat like a glutton</i>,” said the doctor. -“Well, I saw he was at his old tricks again, and I said to him, ‘Sir, what -would you think of a merchant, who, having been prosperous in business and -amassed a comfortable fortune, went and risked it all in what he knew was -an imprudent speculation?’</p> - -<p>“Why, sir,” he exclaimed, “I should say he was a great ass.”</p> - -<p>“‘Nay, then, thou art the man,’ said Abernethy.”</p> - -<p>The leopard does not change his spots. For the truth of this read the life -and fall of Uniac.</p> - -<p>O, it is a fearful thing to become a drunkard.</p> - -<p>The habit once acquired is never gotten entirely rid of. It sleeps—it -never dies, but with the death of the victim.</p> - -<p>Young men, avoid the first drink. Never take that first fatal glass; thus, -and only thus, are you safe from a drunkard’s grave, and the curse -entailed upon your progeny.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Strength in Weakness.</span></p> - -<p>“Sir, I am advised that you have a barrel of beer in your room,” said the -president of one of our New England colleges to a student, who, contrary -to rule and usage, had actually purchased a barrel of the delightful stuff -made from brewed hops, copperas, and filthy slops, and deposited it under -the bed, convenient for use.</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir; such is the fact,” replied the student.</p> - -<p>“What explanation can you give for such conduct, sir?”</p> - -<p>“Well,” began the student with the boldest confidence, “the truth is, my -physician, in consideration of my ill health, advised me to take a little -ale daily; and not wishing to be seen visiting the beer-shops where the -beverage is retailed, I decided to buy a barrel, and take it quietly at my -room.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_559" id="Page_559">[Pg 559]</a></span>“Indeed! and have you derived the anticipated benefit therefrom, sir?” -inquired the president.</p> - -<p>“O, yes, sir; indeed I have. Why, when I first had the barrel placed in my -room two weeks ago, I could not move it. Now, sir, I can carry it with the -greatest of ease.”</p> - -<p>The president <i>smiled</i>, and ordered the barrel removed, saying that “in -consideration of his rapid convalescence the treatment could safely be -discontinued.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A warm Place for a Cook.</span></p> - -<p>Soon after the completion of the Roberts Opera House, in Hartford, Conn., -the Putnam Phalanx held a grand ball within its walls. The music was -exquisite; the prompters the best in the state; the ladies were the most -beautiful and dressy in the land; and all went splendidly, till the supper -was discussed. There had been a misunderstanding about the number for whom -supper was to be prepared, and it was found out, when too late, that there -were a hundred more guests than plates. The supper was spread in the -basement. When the writer went down with friends, the tables, which had -already been twice occupied, presented a disgusting scene—all heaped up -with dirty dishes, debris of “fowl, fish, and dessert,” and great -complaint was made by the hungry dancers, while some unpleasant epithets, -and uncomplimentary remarks were hurled at the heads of the innocent -caterers.</p> - -<p>With our party were Dr. C., a great joker, and Dr. D., his match.</p> - -<p>“If you don’t like this fare you can go through into the restaurant,” said -one of the waiters. “It is all the same,” he added.</p> - -<p>We required no second invitation. We did ample justice to the fare -provided, and retired, leaving Dr. C. to bring up the rear. In a half -minute he came running after us, saying,—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_560" id="Page_560">[Pg 560]</a></span>“The fellow told me I must pay for the supper in there, extra!”</p> - -<p>“Well, what did you tell him?”</p> - -<p>“Why, I told him to go to h——.”</p> - -<p>“Well, you did right; let him go; that is just the place for him.”</p> - -<p>On another occasion, the dinner not being forthcoming at a hotel where we -dined, the doctor “fell to,” and soon demolished the best part of a -blanc-mange pudding before him.</p> - -<p>“That, sir, is dessert,” politely interrupted the waiter, in dismay at -seeing his dessert so rapidly disappearing.</p> - -<p>“No matter,” said the doctor, finishing it; “I could eat it if it were the -Great Sahara!”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Modern Gilpin.</span></p> - -<p>The widow Wealthy lived in the country. She was a blooming widow, fair, -plump, and—sickly. She owned a valuable farm, just turning off from the -main thoroughfare,—broad acres, nice cottage house, great barn and -granary, and she was considered, by certain eligible old bachelors, and a -widower or two, as “a mighty good catch.”</p> - -<p>Dr. Filley practised in the country. He was a bachelor, above forty. He -was a short, thick-set man, with a fair practice, which might have been -better, but for certain whispers about a growing propensity to—drinking! -That’s the word. Of course he denied the insinuation, and defied any one -to prove that he was ever the worse for liquor. The doctor was attendant, -professionally, upon the widow, and—well you know how the gossips manage -that sort of a thing in the country. But who was to know whether “the -doctor made more visits per week to the widow Wealthy than her state of -health seemed to warrant”? or who knew that “the widow was ‘sweet’ towards -the little doctor, and that she intended he should throw the bill all in -at the end of the year—himself to boot?” Never mind his rivals; they do -not come into our amusing story.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_561" id="Page_561">[Pg 561]</a></span>John, the widow’s hired man, was sent very unexpectedly, one day in -autumn, for the doctor to call that afternoon, to see the invalid. Very -unexpectedly to the widow, and greatly to her mortification, two gossiping -neighbors called at her residence just as the doctor was expected to -arrive. “O, she was so glad to see Mrs. —— and Mrs. ——!”</p> - -<p>Dr. Filley rode a scraggy little Canadian horse,—a fiery, headstrong -beast, but a good saddle horse. Somehow, the unexpected call, at that -hour, slightly “flustered” the little doctor; but he threw his saddle-bags -over his shoulder, mounted the beast, and turned his head towards the -widow’s residence.</p> - -<p>“I b’lieve I am a little nervous over this colt; I wonder what’s the -matter!” And he tried to rein up the headstrong little beast, to give -himself time to—sober off!</p> - -<p>“I reary bl’eve I’m a little—taken by surprise—ho, Charley! Why, what’s -got inter—pony? Goes like ’r devil. Ho, ho, boy.”</p> - -<p>Pretty soon the beast struck into a gallop; and now he reached the lane -that led into Mrs. Wealthy’s farm. The pony knew the lane as well as his -master, and the barn better. The said lane led by the barn-yard and -out-buildings, the house being beyond. The barn-yard bars were down, and -the pony made for the opening, in a clean gallop, over the fallen bars, -right in amongst the cattle, the sheep, and the swine. A big ox gave a -bellow at the sudden arrival, and, with tail and head in air, ran to the -opposite side of the yard, intruding upon the comfort of a big old sow, -that was dozing in the mud. With a loud snort, the discomfited porker -rushed from the mire just in time to meet the horse, and in attempting to -pass on both sides at once, she went between the short fore legs of the -pony, and brought up with a loud squeal, and a shock that sent the rider -over the horse’s head, down astride the hog. The pony reared, wheeled, and -ran out of the yard at one pair of bars, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_562" id="Page_562">[Pg 562]</a></span> the sow went pell-mell out -of the other, bearing the doctor and saddle-bags swiftly along towards the -house.</p> - -<p>The hired man witnessed the sudden change of steeds, and gave the alarm. -The widow—not so very sick—was just graciously showing her two unwelcome -lady callers out, after being worried nearly an hour by their company; and -taking an anxious look towards the lane, she saw the doctor coming on a -clean—no, dirty—gallop, on her old sow.</p> - -<p>She lost no time in giving a loud scream. What else should she do?</p> - -<p>“O, goodness gracious! What is that?”</p> - -<p>“O Lord, save and defend us! What is it?” exclaimed the two ladies, in -chorus.</p> - -<p>“A man on a hog!”</p> - -<p>“The doctor on a sow!” again in chorus.</p> - -<p>Now the pony and the swine met, the doctor still clinging to the sow’s ear -with one hand, and to the tail with the other; of course, having turned a -clean summersault from the pony, facing towards the sow’s hind quarters. -The swine, beset on all sides, sheered off, and made directly through a -large duck-pond in the field, scattering the geese and ducks every way, -which, crying out, “Quack, quack!” made off as fast as feet and wings -could carry them. Half way across the pond the doctor lost his balance, -and, with his saddle-bags, fell splashing into the water.</p> - -<p>Another scream from the ladies,—only two of them.</p> - -<p>The widow, like a sensible woman, when she saw the doctor’s danger, ran -for the well-pole. “Here, John, here! Take this well-hook, and fish him -out quick, before he drowns.”</p> - -<p>John obeyed, and in an instant the doctor was safely landed.</p> - -<p>The doctor was sobered.</p> - -<p>The widow, seeing no further danger, like a true woman, fainted.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_563" id="Page_563">[Pg 563]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 315px;"><img src="images/img166.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE DOCTOR ON A SOW.</p> -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 316px;"><img src="images/img167.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">RESCUE OF THE DOCTOR.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_564" id="Page_564">[Pg 564]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_565" id="Page_565">[Pg 565]</a></span>Leaving the muddy and half-drowned doctor, who looked like a well-wet-down -bantam cock, John turned to his mistress, whom he picked up from the -grass, and carried into the house. The two ladies, who had witnessed her -discomfiture, assisted in loosening the stays, and administering some -salts, which revived the widow.</p> - -<p>“O, did you ever see such a comical sight?”</p> - -<p>“Never. O, wasn’t it horrid? The little doctor riding backward, on a -horrid, dirty, old pig! O, if I ever!”</p> - -<p>And the ladies laughed in unison, in which the widow actually joined.</p> - -<p>“But what has become of the poor, wet fellow? And did John rescue the -saddle-bags?” inquired the widow.</p> - -<p>John, meantime, had returned to the doctor’s assistance. He now fished out -the saddle-bags, and the unfortunate doctor started on foot for home, -whither the pony had long since fled.</p> - -<p>The story, in the mouth of one servant and three ladies, was anything but -a secret, and—you know how it is in the country.</p> - -<p class="center"><strong><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span></strong></p> - -<p>The widow still holds the farm in her own name, in a town in New England.</p> - -<p>Dr. Filley practises physic in California.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A scientific Gourmand.</span></p> - -<p>Our familiar friend, “A Book about Doctors,” which we have before -introduced to your notice as the only amusing work in the English -language, upon the subject, gives a long list of <i>bon vivants</i> of the old -school, amongst whom are some eminent names in the medical profession. In -fact, the abstemious doctors during the past centuries would seem to have -been far in the minority. Even Harvey was accused of being fond of brandy.</p> - -<p>“Dr. George Fordyce was fond of substantial fare, like<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_566" id="Page_566">[Pg 566]</a></span> Radcliffe, who was -a <i>gormand</i>. For above twenty years Fordyce dined at Dolly’s chop-house. -The dinner he there consumed was his only meal during the four and twenty -hours.</p> - -<p>“Four o’clock was his dinner hour. Before him was set a silver tankard of -strongest ale, a bottle of port wine, and a quarter pint of brandy.</p> - -<p>“The dinner was preluded by a dish of broiled fowl, or a few whitings. -Having leisurely devoured this plate, the doctor took a glass of brandy, -and ordered his steak, which was always a prime one, <i>weighing one and a -half pounds</i>. Of course, vegetables, etc., accompanied the steak.</p> - -<p>“When the man of science had devoured the whole of this, the bulk of which -would have kept a boa constrictor happy a twelvemonth, he took the rest of -his brandy, drank off the tankard of ale, and topped off by sipping down -his bottle of port wine.</p> - -<p>“Having thus brought his intellects, up or down, to the standard of his -pupils, he rose, and walked down to Essex Street, and delivered his six -o’clock lecture on chemistry.” (He lived to the age of sixty-six.)</p> - -<p>Another glutton, in contrast with whom Fordyce was an abstinent, was Dr. -Beauford. In 1745 he was summoned to appear before the privy council, to -answer some questions relative to Lord B., with whom the doctor was -intimate.</p> - -<p>“Do you know Lord Barrymore?” asked one of the lords.</p> - -<p>“Intimately, <i>most</i> intimately,” replied the doctor.</p> - -<p>“You were often with him?”</p> - -<p>“We dine together almost daily when his lordship is in town,” answered the -doctor, with expressions of delight.</p> - -<p>“What do you talk about?”</p> - -<p>“Eating and drinking.”</p> - -<p>“Eating and drinking! What else?” asked his lordship.</p> - -<p>“O, my lord, we never talk about anything but eating and -drinking,—except—”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_567" id="Page_567">[Pg 567]</a></span>“Except what, sir?”</p> - -<p>“<i>Except drinking and eating</i>, my lord.”</p> - -<p>The council retired, greatly disappointed, for they had expected to worm -some important secret from the doctor.</p> - -<p>At Finch Lane Tavern, where Dr. Beauford used to receive the apothecaries -at half fee, he was represented as sitting over his bottles and glasses, -from which he drank deeply, never offering one of his clients a drop, -though they often sat opposite, at the same table, looking with anxious -countenances and watering mouths upon the tempting cordials, as the doctor -tossed them off.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">“Doorn’t go to ’im,” etc.</span></p> - -<p>“Not many years since, in a fishing village on the eastern coast, there -flourished a doctor in great repute amongst the poor, and his influence -over the humble patients literally depended on the fact that he was sure, -once in the twenty-four hours, to be handsomely intoxicated.</p> - -<p>“Dickens has told us how, when he bought the raven immortalized in -‘Barnaby Rudge,’ the vender of that sagacious bird, after enumerating his -various accomplishments, said, in conclusion,—</p> - -<p>“‘But, sir, if you want him to come out strong, you must show him a man -drunk.’</p> - -<p>“The simple villagers of Flintbeach had a firm faith in the strengthening -effect of looking at a tipsy doctor. They usually postponed their visits -to Dr. Mutchkins till evening, because they then had the benefit of the -learned man in his highest intellectual condition.</p> - -<p>“‘Doorn’t go to ’im i’ the morning; he can’t doctor no ways to speak on -till he’s had a glass,’ was the advice usually given to strangers not -aware of the doctor’s little peculiarities.”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_568" id="Page_568">[Pg 568]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Dr. Butler’s Beer and Bath.</span></p> - -<p>An amusing description is given of one Dr. Butler, of London, who, like -the above, used to get drunk nightly. He was the inventor of a beer which -bore his name, something like our Ottawa, “with a stick in it,” by one Dr. -Irish. We once saw a drunken fellow holding on to a lamp post, while he -held out one hand, and was arguing with an imaginary policeman that he was -not drunk,—only had been taking a “little of that—hic—beverage, Dr. -Waterwa’s Irish beer, by the advice of his physician.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 250px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img168.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“ONLY IRISH BEER.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Dr. Butler had an old female servant named Nell Boler. At ten o’clock, -nightly, she used to go to the tavern where the doctor was, by that hour, -too drunk to go home alone, when, after some argument and a deal of -scolding from Nell for his “beastly drunkenness,” she would carry the -inebriated doctor home, and put him to bed.</p> - -<p>“Notwithstanding that Dr. Butler was fond of beer and wine for himself, he -was said to approve of water for his patients. Once he occupied rooms -bordering on the Thames. A gentleman afflicted by the ague came to see -him. Butler<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_569" id="Page_569">[Pg 569]</a></span> tipped the wink to his assistant, who tumbled the invalid out -of the window, slap into the river. We are asked to believe that the -surprise actually cured the patient of his disease.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 277px;"><img src="images/img169.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">CURE FOR THE AGUE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Water did not cure the doctor, however, but beer did.</p> - -<p>Dr. Burrowly was stricken down in his prime, and just as he was about to -succeed to the most elevated position in the medical profession.</p> - -<p>The doctor was a politician, as well as an excellent surgeon. When Lords -Gower and Vandeput were contesting the election for Westminster, in 1780, -the doctor was supporting the latter. One Weatherly, who kept a tavern, -and whose wife wore the —— belt, was very sick. Mrs. Weatherly deeply -regretted the fact of the sickness, as she wanted her husband to vote for -Lord T. Late on election day, Dr. Burrowly called round to see his -patient, quite willing that he should be sufficiently sick to keep him -from going to the polls. To his surprise he found him up, and dressed.</p> - -<p>“Heyday! how’s this?” exclaimed the doctor, in anger. “Why are you up, -without my permission?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_570" id="Page_570">[Pg 570]</a></span>“O, doctor,” replied Joe Weatherly, feebly, “I am going to vote.”</p> - -<p>“Vote!” roared the doctor, not doubting that his wife had urged him to -attempt to go to the polls to vote for Lord J. “To bed. The cold air would -kill you. To bed instantly, or you’re a dead man before nightfall.”</p> - -<p>“I’ll do as you say, doctor; but as my wife was away, I thought I could -get as far as Covent Garden Church, and vote for Sir George Vandeput.”</p> - -<p>“For Sir George, did you say, Joe?”</p> - -<p>“O, yes, sir; I don’t agree with my wife. She’s for Lord Trentham.”</p> - -<p>The doctor changed his prognosis.</p> - -<p>“Wait. Let me see; nurse, don’t remove his stockings;” feeling the man’s -pulse. “Humph! A good firm stroke. Better than I expected. You took the -pills? Yes; they made you sick? Nurse, did he sleep well?”</p> - -<p>“Charmingly, sir;” with a knowing twinkle of the eye.</p> - -<p>“Well, Joe, if you are bent on going to the polls, it will set your mind -better at ease to go. It’s a fine sunny afternoon. The ride will do you -good. So, bedad, I’ll take you along in my chariot.”</p> - -<p>Weatherly was delighted with the doctor’s urbanity, resumed his coat, went -to the election, and voted for Sir George, rode back in the chariot, <i>and -died two hours afterwards</i>, amidst the reproaches of his amiable spouse.</p> - -<p>“Called away from a dinner table, where he was eating, laughing, and -drinking deeply, Dr. B. was found dead in the coach from apoplexy, on the -arrival at the place of destination.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img170.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_571" id="Page_571">[Pg 571]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXIII" id="XXIII"></a>XXIII.</h2> -<p class="title">THE DOCTOR AS POET, AUTHOR, AND MUSICIAN.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>“Here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.”<br /> -<br /> -“To patient study, and unwearied thought,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And wise and watchful nurture of his powers,</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Must the true poet consecrate his hours:</span><br /> -Thus, and thus only, may the crown be bought<br /> -Which his great brethren all their lives have sought;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For not to careless wreathers of chance-flowers</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Openeth the Muse her amaranthine bowers,</span><br /> -But to the few, who worthily have fought<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The toilsome fight, and won their way to fame.</span><br /> -With such as these I may not cast my lot,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With such as these I must not seek a name;</span><br /> -Content to please a while and be forgot;<br /> -Winning from daily toil—which irks me not—<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Rare and brief leisure my poor song to frame.”</span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>OUR PATRON, OUR PATTERN.—SOME WRITERS.—SOME BLUNDERS.—AN OLD -SMOKER.—OLD GREEKS.—A DUKE ANSWERED BY A COUNTRY MISS.—THE PILGRIMS -AND THE PEAS.—“LITTLE DAISY.”—“CASA WAPPA!”—FINE POETRY.—MORE -SCHOOLMASTERS AND TAILORS.—NAPOLEON’S AND WASHINGTON’S PHYSICIANS.—A -FRENCH “BUTCHER.”—A DIF. OF OPINION.—SOME EPITAPHS.—DR. HOLMES’ -“ONE-HOSS SHAY.”—HEALTHFUL INFLUENCE OF MUSIC.—SAVED BY MUSIC.—A -GERMAN TOUCH-UP.—MUSIC ON ANIMALS.—MUSIC AMONG THE MICE.—MUSIC AND HEALTH.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>Apollo,—the father of Æsculapius, the “father of physicians”—was the god -of poetry and of music, as well as the patron of physicians. He presented -to Mercurius the famous caduceus, which has descended in the semblance of -the shepherd’s crook—he being the protector of shepherds and the -Muses—and the physician’s cane and surgeon’s pole. Apollo is represented -with flowing hair,—which the Romans loved to imitate, with an effort also -at his graces<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_572" id="Page_572">[Pg 572]</a></span> of person and mind. Students at this day who court the -Muses begin by allowing, or coaxing their hair to grow long, forgetting, -as they nurse a sickly goatee or mustache, assisting its show by an -occasional dose of nitrate of silver, that their god was further -represented as a tall, <i>beardless</i> youth, and instead of a bottle or -cigar, he held a lyre in his hand and discoursed music.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img171.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">AN EMBRYO APOLLO.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I think Dr. Apollo a very safe pattern for our students to imitate, those -particularly who are “fast,” and who only think, with <i>Bobby Burns</i>,—</p> - -<p class="poem">“Just now we’re living sound and hale;<br /> -Then top and maintop crowd the sail;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Heave care owre side!</span><br /> -And large, before enjoyment’s gale,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Let’s tak the tide.”</span></p> - -<p>It is quite impossible to mention all, even of the most celebrated of our -physicians, who have contributed to the literary and musical world. But I -shall quote a sufficient number to disprove the assertion that “literary -physicians have not, as a rule, prospered as medical practitioners.”</p> - -<p>Who has developed and promulgated the knowledge relative to anatomy, -chemistry, physiology, botany, etc., but the physicians? The true -representation of sculpture, of painting, of engraving, and most of the -arts, depends upon the learned writing of the doctors.</p> - -<p>Da Vinci owed his success as a portrait painter to his knowledge of -anatomy and physiology derived from study under a physician, as also did -Michael Angelo. How would our Powers have succeeded as a sculptor, without -this <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_573" id="Page_573">[Pg 573]</a></span>knowledge, or Miss Bonheur as a painter of animals? Dr. Hunter says -“Vinci (L.) was at the time the best anatomist in the world.”</p> - -<p>Crabbe, to be sure, failed as a physician, but succeeded as a literary -man; but then Crabbe was no physician, and was unread in medicine and -surgery. Arbuthnot also failed in the same manner, and for the same cause. -All who have so failed may attribute it to the fact they <i>did not succeed -in what they were not, but did succeed in what they were</i>—as Oliver -Goldsmith. He squandered at the gaming table the money given him by his -kind uncle to get him through Trinity College, and though spending two -years afterwards in Edinburgh, and passing one year at Leyden, ostensibly -reading medicine, he totally failed to pass an examination before the -surgeons of the college at London, and was rejected “as being -insufficiently informed.” He had previously been writing for the -unappreciative booksellers, and authorship now became, per force, his only -means of livelihood.</p> - -<p>Goldsmith was an excellent, kind-hearted man; and if he had only got -married and had a good wife to develop him, he would have been a greater -man than he was.</p> - -<p>It has been intimated in these pages that Shakspeare was prejudiced -against medicine,—throwing “physic to the dogs;” but it is evident from a -careful perusal of his works that Shakspeare was ignorant, and also -superstitious, as respects this much abused science. Of the superstitions -we need not further treat, but refer the intelligent reader to any of his -plays for the truth of our intimation.</p> - -<p>In Act II., Scene 1, of Coriolanus, he says by Menenius Agrippa, the -friend of Coriolanus, “It gives me an estate of seven years’ health, in -which time I will make a lip at the physician; the most sovereign -prescription of Galen is but empirical,” etc. Coriolanus was banished from -Rome, and died in the fifth century before Christ (about 490), and Galen<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_574" id="Page_574">[Pg 574]</a></span> -was not born till six hundred years afterwards, viz.,—A. D. 130.</p> - -<p>We should smile to see the Apollo Belvedere with “glasses on his -nose,”—as many of our young ape-ollos now wear for <i>effect</i>; but it would -scarcely be less ridiculous than Gloster saying in Lear, “I shall not want -spectacles.” King Lyr reigned during the earliest period of the -Anglo-Saxon history, and spectacles were not introduced into England until -the beginning of the fourteenth century. It is said that the painter -Cigoli in his representation of the aged Simeon at the circumcision of -Christ, made this same error by placing spectacles on the patriarch’s -nose.</p> - -<p>More ludicrous than either of the above is the painting by Albert Durer, -the German artist (about 1515), of his scene, “Peter denying Christ,” -wherein he represents a Roman soldier leaning against the door-post -comfortably smoking a tobacco pipe. The pipe, to which Germans are -particularly partial, was just being introduced during Durer’s latter -years. The tobacco was not introduced into Europe until 1496, and was, -when first burned, twisted together.<a name='fna_8' id='fna_8' href='#f_8'><small>[8]</small></a></p> - -<p>The Spaniards, in their report on their return from the first voyage of -Columbus said that “the savages would twist up long rolls of tobacco -leaves, <i>and lighting one end, smoke away like devils</i>.” (The primitive -cigar.)</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Ancient Greek Authors.</span></p> - -<p>Nearly all the ancient Greek physicians were authors of no mean calibre, -considering the age in which they lived.</p> - -<p>Pherecydes, a Greek philosopher and physician, wrote a book on diet during -the sixth century before Christ. Pythagoras, his illustrious pupil, was -said to be the first who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_575" id="Page_575">[Pg 575]</a></span> dissected animals. He wrote, and taught anatomy -and physiology, in the school of Crotona. Herodotus was a great teacher -and writer; also Herophilus, his pupil. (B. C. 4th century.) There were -four physicians named Hippocrates. The second of that name has nearly -eclipsed all the others. The period in which he lived was highly favorable -to the development of the qualities of the great Hippocrates. He was -contemporary with Plato, Herodotus, who was his teacher, Pericles, -Socrates, Thucydides, etc.</p> - -<p>The most notable works of Hippocrates are 1st and 3d “Books on Epidemics,” -“Prognostics,” “Treatise on Air and Water,” “Regime of Acute Diseases,” -and “Treatise on Wounds.”</p> - -<p>Heraclitus, of Ephesus, is conjectured to be the first who dissected the -human body. “The principle of his theory is the recognition of the fire of -life and the ethereal element of wisdom as the ground of all visible -existence.” Fragments of his writings, only, have been preserved. He -imitated Pythagoras.</p> - -<p>Theophrastus wrote a book on plants. He lived to be one hundred and seven -years old.</p> - -<p>Herophilus first made diagnosis by the pulse, upon which he wrote a book.</p> - -<p>Celsus was the author of eight works, yet Pliny makes no mention of him. -Galen spoke of him as an excellent physician and writer; also Bostock.</p> - -<p>Galen was a man of great talent and education. Suidas—11th century—says -he wrote no less than five hundred books on medicine, and half as many on -other subjects. His native tongue was Greek, but he also wrote in Latin -and Persic.</p> - -<p>Besides medicine, the above famous physicians wrote on philosophy, -history, religion, etc. Poetry in those days was little more than heroic, -or epic, prose.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_576" id="Page_576">[Pg 576]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Duke answered by a Country Miss.</span></p> - -<p>Since I am not writing a medical history, I need not go on to quote the -long list of the names of those who from the old Greek days to the present -time have been both authors and successful medical practitioners. Their -bare names would fill a large volume, and who would care to read them? To -the general reader they would be quite unwelcome. The reason why medical -authors are so little known is, that their writings have been too -wearisome for the general reader. Such English authors as the satirical -Wolcot (Peter Pindar), the courteous essayist Drake, the poetical and -nature-loving Davy, and the “single-hearted, affectionate” Dr. Moir, are -remembered, while greater and deeper thinkers and writers are, with their -works, buried in oblivion.</p> - -<p>When the Duke of Kent was last in America (1819), he was one day taking -observations in the country, when he entered a cosy little farm-house, -where he noticed a pretty young girl, reading a book.</p> - -<p>“Do you have books here, my dear?” he asked, contemptuously.</p> - -<p>“O, yes, sir,” replied the girl naively, “<i>we have the Bible and Peter -Pindar</i>.”</p> - -<p>That was a model house. The Bible and fun-provoking “Peter Pindar!” Under -such a roof you will find no guile. Here you will avoid the extremes of -“<i>all</i> work and no play,” for the mind, “that makes Jack a dull boy,” and -“all play and no work,” which “makes him a mere toy.”</p> - -<p>I have visited some houses in New England where the Bible, and “Baxter’s -Call to the Unconverted,” were the only books to be seen; others where -nothing was to be found upon the shelves but a vile collection of novels, -such as Mrs. Partington has termed “yaller-cupboard literature.” These -need no comment, in either case.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_577" id="Page_577">[Pg 577]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Pilgrims and the Peas.</span></p> - -<p>Our only excuse for copying this from Pindar will be found in reading the -poem, slightly abbreviated. The pilgrims were ordered by the priest to do -penance by walking fifty miles with peas in their shoes.</p> - -<p class="poem">“The knaves set off upon the same day,<br /> -Peas in their shoes, to go and pray;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But very different their speed, I wot;</span><br /> -One of the sinners galloped on,<br /> -Light as a bullet from a gun,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>The other limped as though he’d been shot</i>.</span><br /> -<br /> -“One saw the Virgin soon, ‘<i>Peccavi!</i>’ cried,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Had his soul whitewashed, all so clever,</span><br /> -When home again he nimbly hied,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Made fit with saints above to live forever!</span><br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_578" id="Page_578">[Pg 578]</a></span>In coming back, however, let me say,<br /> -He met his brother rogue about half way,<br /> -Hobbling with outstretched hand and bending knees,<br /> -Cursing the souls and bodies of the peas!<br /> -His eyes in tears, his cheeks and brows in sweat,<br /> -Deep sympathizing with his groaning feet.<br /> -‘How now?’ the light-toed, whitewashed pilgrim broke;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">‘You lazy lubber!’</span><br /> -‘You see it,’ cried the other. ‘’Tis no joke.<br /> -My feet, once hard as any rock,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Are now as soft as blubber.’</span><br /> -<br /> -“‘But, brother sinner, do explain<br /> -How ’tis that you are not in pain;<br /> -How is’t that you can like a greyhound go,<br /> -Merry as if nought had happened, burn ye?’<br /> -‘Why,’ cried the other, grinning, ‘you must know<br /> -That just before I ventured on my journey,<br /> -To walk a little more at ease,<br /> -<i>I took the liberty to boil my peas</i>!’”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 396px;"><img src="images/img172.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE PILGRIM CHEAT.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Little Davy again.</span></p> - -<p>Sir Humphry Davy lived from 1778 to 1829. Coleridge said of him, “Had not -Davy been the first chemist, he probably would have been the first poet of -the age.” He made some important chemical discoveries, overworked his body -and brain, and took the pen “to amuse” and recreate himself, but too late, -telling us of “the pleasures and advantages of fishing,” etc.</p> - -<p>The following verses are from the poem of Dr. David Macbeth Moir, on the -death of his darling little boy, who died at the age of five years:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“Gem of our hearth, our household pride,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Earth’s undefiled,</span><br /> -Could love have saved, thou hadst not died,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Our dear, sweet child!</span><br /> -Humbly we bow to Fate’s decree;<br /> -Yet had we hoped that time should see<br /> -Thee mourn for us, not us for thee,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 9em;">Casa Wappy!<a name='fna_9' id='fna_9' href='#f_9'><small>[9]</small></a></span><br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_579" id="Page_579">[Pg 579]</a></span><br /> -“The nursery shows thy pictured wall,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Thy bat, thy bow,</span><br /> -Thy cloak, thy bonnet, club, and ball;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But where art thou?</span><br /> -A corner holds thine empty chair;<br /> -Thy playthings, idly scattered there,<br /> -But speak to us of our despair,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 9em;">Casa Wappy!</span><br /> -<br /> -“Yet ’tis a sweet balm to our despair,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Fond, fairest boy,</span><br /> -That heaven is God’s, and thou art there,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With him in joy!</span><br /> -There past are death and all its woes,<br /> -There beauty’s stream forever flows,<br /> -And pleasure’s day no sunset knows,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 9em;">Casa Wappy!”</span></p> - -<p>“The sole purpose of poetry,” says the author of the above beautiful poem, -“is to delight and instruct; and no one can be either pleased or profited -by what is unintelligible. Mysticism in law is quibbling; mysticism in -religion is the jugglery of priestcraft; mysticism in medicine is -quackery; and these often serve their crooked purposes well. But mysticism -in poetry can have no attainable triumph.” Again he says,—</p> - -<p>“The finest poetry is that which is most patent to the general -understanding, and hence to the approval or disapproval of the common -sense of mankind.”</p> - -<p>Dr. Moir enriched the pages of Blackwood’s Magazine for thirty years with -his beautiful poems, and occasional prose, which, according to Professor -Wilson, “breathed the simplest and purest pathos.” He practised medicine -and surgery in his native village, six miles from Edinburgh, till the day -of his death, which occurred in consequence of a wound caused by the -upsetting of his carriage.</p> - -<p>I find four physicians by the name of Abercromby, who were excellent -physicians, and authors of no little note. One, Patrick, a Scotchman, and -physician to James II., had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_580" id="Page_580">[Pg 580]</a></span> a library second to few physicians of his -day. Lancisi, an Italian physician who lived at the same time, possessed a -splendid library consisting of thirty thousand volumes. He discovered a -set of lost plates of Eustachius, from which he published tables. Lancisi -was physician to several popes, and was a master of polite literature, and -an author of great distinction.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">More Schoolmasters and Tailors.</span></p> - -<p>Dr. Richard Blackmore (Sir)—our “schoolmaster turned doctor”—was an -author of no small note. “A poet of the time of Dryden in better repute as -an honest man and a physician,” says a biographer.</p> - -<p>He should have been a man of importance, since Swift was pitted against -him in “brutal verse.” Steele and Pope scribbled about the pedagogue -Blackmore. Dryden, who was unable to answer him, called him “a pedant, an -ass, a quack, and a cant preacher,” and he was ridiculed by the whole set -of “petty scribblers, professional libellers, coffee-house rakes, and -literary amateurs of the Temple who formed the rabble of the vast army -against which the doctor had pitted himself in defence of public decency -and domestic morality.” We have already referred to the “forty sets of -ribald verses taunting him of his early poverty, which caused him to -become a schoolmaster.”</p> - -<p>Amongst his works were “Alfred,” a poem of twenty books; another of twelve -books; “Hymn to Light,” “Satire against Wit,” “The Nature of Man;” -“Creation,” in seven books; “Redemption,” in six books, etc.</p> - -<p>Dr. Johnson says of Dr. Blackmore, “And let it be remembered for his honor -that to have been a schoolmaster is the only reproach which all the -perspicacity of malice animated by wit has ever fixed upon his private -life.”</p> - -<p>Heinrich Stilling, “a pseudonyme adopted by Heinrich Jung, in one of the -most remarkable autobiographies ever<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_581" id="Page_581">[Pg 581]</a></span> written,” was born about the year -1740, in Nassau. He was bred a tailor, and with his father followed his -occupation until the son, by his own efforts and by the aid of his -remarkable natural abilities, raised him to a more exalted position. By -great efforts and diligent study he acquired a knowledge of Latin and -Greek, and something of medicine, when he proceeded to the University of -Strasburg. Here he remained prosecuting his studies with much diligence -and zeal until he obtained not only his degree, but succeeded to the -appointment of a professorship, and raised himself to eminence both by his -ability as a lecturer and as an operator.</p> - -<p>He was also an author of considerable renown, not only on medical -subjects, but as a miscellaneous writer. His novel named “Theobold” is -still read. He wrote a treatise on minerals.</p> - -<p>His most remarkable production, however, was his autobiography entitled -“Jugend, Junglingjahre, Wanderschaft und Alter Von Heinrich Stilling.”</p> - -<p>Cabanis, physician to Napoleon I., was a writer of note, particularly on -physiology and philosophy. His complete works were recently published in -Paris, and a portion of them have been translated into English.</p> - -<p>Bard (Samuel), physician to Washington, was an author, but his writings -were principally on medicine. His father was Dr. John Bard, who, with Dr. -Middleton, made at Poughkeepsie the first dissection in America.</p> - -<p>Dr. Valentine Mott, of New York, was not only the first surgeon in -America, but he was an excellent lecturer and a voluminous writer, but, as -far as I can learn, having before me a complete list of his writings, -almost entirely on medical subjects. Having been to Europe repeatedly, a -book of travels ought to have been added to the list.</p> - -<p>One day, in Paris, the celebrated surgeon Dr. R. —— asked Dr. Mott to -visit his hospital and see him perform his peculiar operation. Dr. Mott -assured the surgeon that he accepted with great pleasure.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_582" id="Page_582">[Pg 582]</a></span>“But,” said the Frenchman, “on reflection I find there is no patient there -requiring such an operation. However, that makes no difference, my dear -sir. You shall see. There is a poor devil in one of the wards who is of no -use to us, himself, or friends; and so come along, and I will operate upon -him beautifully, beautifully,” said the famous butcher. Dr. Mott, being a -humane man, declined seeing the operation on such barbarous terms.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Difference of Opinion.</span></p> - -<p>In “Surgeons of New York” Dr. Francis gives the following:—</p> - -<p>“On asking Dr. Batchelder (then eighty-one years of age), if he had to -live over his eventful life, if he would again be a doctor, he replied,—</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir;” most positively.</p> - -<p>Dr. Hosack’s favorite branch of practice has been general surgery. On -asking him the question if he would again be a surgeon, his reply was -condensed into a comprehensive</p> - -<p>“Never!”</p> - -<p>Dr. Hosack was present as examining physician to Colt, who committed -suicide in the city prison. It is believed to this day, in certain -circles, that Colt escaped, leaving another body smuggled into prison over -night to represent him. The writer was induced once in Hartford to believe -this to be true, as persons stated that they had really seen Colt in -California. Dr. Hosack’s testimony makes the case clear. Colt did not -escape. “It seems that when the prisoner found, at the last moment, that -there was neither possibility of escaping nor the least probability of a -reprieve, he induced some friend to send him a coffee-pot of hot coffee in -which the dagger was concealed, and which he drove into his heart even -<i>beyond the handle</i>.”</p> - -<p>Dr. Hosack (Alex. Eddy) was also physician to Aaron Burr.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_583" id="Page_583">[Pg 583]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 398px;"><img src="images/img173.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">FRANKLIN’S EXPERIMENTS WITH ETHER.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_584" id="Page_584">[Pg 584]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_585" id="Page_585">[Pg 585]</a></span>“Do you never experience any contrition, at times, for the deed?” (viz., -shooting Hamilton), asked Dr. H. of his patient.</p> - -<p>“No, sir; I could not regret it. Twice he crossed my path. He brought it -upon himself,” was Burr’s reply.</p> - -<p>Mrs. H., the doctor’s mother, not unfrequently took tea and played chess -of an evening with Benjamin Franklin. Franklin was a funny old gentleman. -He used to amuse himself by giving ether to the children of the -neighborhood and letting them out under its influence to laugh at their -fellow-playmates.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Some Puritanic Epitaphs.</span></p> - -<p>The most ingenious of the Puritan poets was the Rev. Michael Wigglesworth, -whose “Day of Doom” is the most remarkable curiosity in American -literature. “He was as skilled,” says one of his biographers, “in physic -and surgery as in diviner things;” and when he could neither preach nor -prescribe for the physical sufferings of his neighbors,—</p> - -<p class="poem">“In costly verse, and most laborious rhymes,<br /> -He dished up truths right worthy our regard.”</p> - -<p>He was buried in Malden, near Boston, and his epitaph was written by -Mather.</p> - -<p class="poem"><span style="margin-left: -1em;">THE EXCELLENT MICHAEL WIGGLESWORTH.</span><br /> -<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>Remembered by some good tokens.</i></span><br /> -<br /> -“His pen did once <i>meat from the eater fetch</i>;<br /> -And now he’s gone beyond the <i>eater’s</i> reach.<br /> -His body, once so <i>thin</i>, was next to <i>none</i>;<br /> -From hence he’s to <i>unbodied spirits</i> flown.<br /> -Once his rare skill did all <i>diseases</i> heal;<br /> -And he does nothing now uneasy feel.<br /> -He to his Paradise is joyful come,<br /> -And waits with joy to see his <i>Day of Doom</i>.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_586" id="Page_586">[Pg 586]</a></span>The last epitaph for which we have now space is from the monument of Dr. -Clark, a grandson of the celebrated Dr. John Clark, who came to New -England in 1630.</p> - -<p class="poem">“He who among physicians shone so late,<br /> -And by his wise prescriptions conquered Fate,<br /> -Now lies extended in the silent grave;<br /> -Nor him alive would his vast merit save.<br /> -But still his fame shall last, his virtues live,<br /> -And all sepulchral monuments survive:<br /> -Still flourish shall his name: nor shall this stone<br /> -Long as his piety and love be known.”</p> - -<p>And</p> - -<p class="poem">“Such graves as his are pilgrim shrines,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Shrines to no code or creed confined—</span><br /> -<i>The Delphian vales, the Palestines,</i><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>The Meccas of the mind</i>.”</span></p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The One-Hoss Shay.</span></p> - -<p>Mr. Mundella, of the British Parliament, recently said,—</p> - -<p>“American authors are now among the best writers in the English language. -Among the poets were Longfellow, Holmes, Whittier, Bryant, and -Lowell—five men whom no other country in the same generation could -surpass, if, indeed, they could match. Never were purer or nobler men than -they.” He had the honor of knowing some of the greatest literary men in -England, and could say that the American authors could compare with them -in every way. O. W. Holmes was the most brilliant conversationalist it was -ever his good fortune to meet.</p> - -<p>As a poet, “his style is brilliant, sparkling, and terse,” says Hillard.</p> - -<p>I can only find space for the following from the pen of Dr. Holmes:—</p> - -<p class="poem">Have you heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay,<br /> -That was built in such a logical way,<br /> -To run a hundred years to a day,<br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_587" id="Page_587">[Pg 587]</a></span>And then, of a sudden, it—ah, but stay,<br /> -I’ll tell you what happened without delay:<br /> -Scaring the parson into fits,<br /> -Frightening people out of their wits,<br /> -Have you heard of that, I say?<br /> -<br /> -Seventeen hundred and fifty-five,<br /> -<i>Georgius Secundus</i> was then alive,—<br /> -Snuffy old drone from the German hive!<br /> -That was the year when Lisbon town<br /> -Saw the earth open and gulp her down,<br /> -And Braddock’s army was done so brown,<br /> -Left without a scalp to its crown.<br /> -It was on the terrible Earthquake day,<br /> -That the deacon finished the one-hoss shay.<br /> -<br /> -Now, in building of chaises, I tell you what,<br /> -There is always <i>somewhere</i> a weakest spot;<br /> -In hub, tire, felloe, in spring or thill,<br /> -In panel or cross-bar, or floor or sill,<br /> -In screw, bolt, thoroughbrace, lurking still,<br /> -Find it somewhere you must and will,<br /> -Above or below, or within or without;<br /> -And that’s the reason, beyond a doubt,<br /> -A chaise <i>breaks down</i>, but doesn’t <i>wear out</i>.<br /> -But the deacon swore (as deacons do,<br /> -With an “I dew vum,” or an “I tell yeou”)<br /> -He would build one shay to beat the taown,<br /> -’n’ the keounty, ’n’ all the kentry raoun’;<br /> -It should be so built that it <i>couldn’t</i> break down:<br /> -“Fur,” said the deacon, “’tis mighty plain<br /> -That the weakes’ place mus’ stan’ the strain;<br /> -’n’ the way t’ fix it, uz I maintain,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 5em;">Is only jest</span><br /> -T’ make that place uz strong uz the rest.”<br /> -<br /> -So the deacon inquired of the village folk<br /> -Where he could find the strongest oak,<br /> -That couldn’t be split, nor bent, nor broke,—<br /> -That was for spokes, and floor, and sills;<br /> -He sent for lancewood to make the thills;<br /> -The cross-bars were ash, from the straightest trees;<br /> -The panels of white-wood, that cuts like cheese,<br /> -But lasts like iron for things like these;<br /> -The hubs of logs from the “Settler’s Ellum,”—<br /> -Last of its timber—they couldn’t sell ’em;<br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_588" id="Page_588">[Pg 588]</a></span>Never an axe had seen their chips,<br /> -And the wedges flew from between their lips,<br /> -Their blunt ends frizzled like celery-tips;<br /> -Step and prop-iron, bolt and screw,<br /> -Spring, tire, axle, and linchpin too,<br /> -Steel of the finest, bright and blue;<br /> -Thoroughbrace bison skin, thick and wide;<br /> -Boot, top, dasher, from tough old hide<br /> -Found in the pit when the tanner died.<br /> -That was the way he “put her through.”<br /> -“There!” said the deacon, “naow she’ll dew!”<br /> -<br /> -Do! I tell you, I rather guess<br /> -She was a wonder, and nothing less!<br /> -Colts grew horses, beards turned gray,<br /> -Deacon and deaconess dropped away;<br /> -Children and grandchildren—where were they?<br /> -But there stood the stout old one-hoss shay<br /> -As fresh as on Lisbon Earthquake day!<br /> -<br /> -Eighteen hundred: it came and found<br /> -The deacon’s masterpiece strong and sound.<br /> -Eighteen hundred increased by ten:<br /> -“Hansum kerridge” they called it then.<br /> -Eighteen hundred and twenty came,—<br /> -Running as usual; much the same.<br /> -Thirty and forty at last arrive,<br /> -And then came fifty and <i>fifty-five</i>.<br /> -<br /> -Little of all we value here<br /> -Wakes on the morn of its hundredth year<br /> -Without both feeling and looking queer.<br /> -In fact, there’s nothing that keeps its youth,<br /> -So far as I know, but a tree and truth.<br /> -(This is a moral that runs at large;<br /> -Take it. You’re welcome. No extra charge.)<br /> -<i>First of November</i>,—the Earthquake day,—<br /> -There are traces of age in the one-hoss shay,<br /> -A general flavor of mild decay,<br /> -But nothing local, as one may say.<br /> -There couldn’t be,—for the deacon’s art<br /> -Had made it so like in every part<br /> -That there wasn’t a chance for one to start.<br /> -<br /> -For the wheels were just as strong as the thills,<br /> -And the floor was just as strong as the sills,<br /> -And the panels just as strong as the floor,<br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_589" id="Page_589">[Pg 589]</a></span>And the whippletree neither less nor more,<br /> -And the back cross-bar as strong as the fore,<br /> -And spring, and axle, and hub <i>encore</i>.<br /> -And yet, <i>as a whole</i>, it is past no doubt,<br /> -In another hour it will be <i>worn out</i>.<br /> -<br /> -First of November, fifty-five!<br /> -This morning the parson takes a drive.<br /> -Now, small boys, get out of the way!<br /> -Here comes the wonderful one-hoss shay,<br /> -Drawn by a rat-tailed, ewe-necked bay.<br /> -“Huddup!” said the parson. Off went they.<br /> -<br /> -The parson was working his Sunday’s text,<br /> -Had got to <i>fifthly</i>, and stopped perplexed,<br /> -And what the—Moses—was coming next?<br /> -All at once the horse stood still,<br /> -Close by the meet’n’-house on the hill.<br /> -First a shiver, and then a thrill,<br /> -Then something decidedly like a spill,—<br /> -And the parson was sitting upon a rock,<br /> -At half past nine by the meet’n’-house clock,—<br /> -Just the hour of the Earthquake shock!<br /> -What do you think the parson found,<br /> -When he got up and stared around?<br /> -The poor old chaise in a heap or mound,<br /> -As if it had been to the mill and ground!<br /> -You see, of course, if you’re not a dunce,<br /> -How it went to pieces all at once,—<br /> -All at once and nothing first,—<br /> -Just as bubbles do when they burst.<br /> -<br /> -End of the wonderful one-hoss shay.<br /> -Logic is logic. That’s all I say.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_590" id="Page_590">[Pg 590]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 401px;"><img src="images/img174.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">END OF THE WONDERFUL ONE-HORSE SHAY.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_591" id="Page_591">[Pg 591]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Healthful Influence of Music.</span></p> - -<p>The curative power of music is little understood. Our medical men would do -well to devote more time and attention to music and its beneficial -influences upon themselves and patients. In Paris, music is being -introduced at the chief asylum for the benefit of the insane, the -hypochondriacs, and such like patients. Its introduction at the -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_592" id="Page_592">[Pg 592]</a></span>“Retreat,” at Hartford, Conn., has been attended with happy results.</p> - -<p>The writer attributes the primary step towards recovery of several -patients of his, suffering under great mental, nervous, and bodily -prostration, to his ordering the piano or melodeon reopened.</p> - -<p>Not long since I visited a patient at a distance. She was young and fair, -and “supposed to be in consumption,” which is usually a flattering -disease, while this patient was laboring under great despondency, -bordering on despair. Her parents could not account for her dejection.</p> - -<p>Determined not to hurry over the case, and seeing a closed piano in the -room, I asked if it was not used.</p> - -<p>“No,” replied the mother; “she has not touched it for more than three -months; she takes no interest in anything.”</p> - -<p>I looked upon the sad, fair face, and thought I had never seen a picture -of such utter hopelessness in a young maiden. I approached the piano, and -raised its lid. The ivory keys were all dusty. The mother dusted them off, -and with a great, deep sigh, whispered to me, “The dust will soon gather -on her coffin. She will never touch these keys again.”</p> - -<p>“Pooh!” I exclaimed. “You, madam, discourage her. Let me sing something -that will awaken her from her lethargy.”</p> - -<p>No matter how I played, or what I sang. It was the right key, the -sympathetic chord. The first notes aroused her. She lifted her great, dark -eyes for the first time. Great tears burst their bonds, thawing out the -winter-locked senses, awakening the spring-time flowers of hope, that led -to a summer season of health and happiness....</p> - -<p>I know this was decidedly unprofessional; but what care I? The young girl -was aroused from her despondency, and her precious life saved. Medicine, -which before was of no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_593" id="Page_593">[Pg 593]</a></span> avail, now took effect. O, I pity the poor fool -who <i>only</i> has learned to cram drugs by the scruple, dram, and ounce down -the unwilling throats of his more pitiful patients because musty books -tell him to.</p> - -<p>Dr. Mason F. Cogswell, a graduate of Yale, was a man eminent for piety and -benevolence, a scholar, and a successful practitioner, which none can -gainsay. “In music he was a proficient,” said Professor Knight. While -practising medicine in Stamford, Conn., he was said to have instructed the -choir in psalm tunes and anthems, and other music, and adapted one to -every Sabbath in the year. He possessed a great library, and was for ten -years president of the State Medical Society. Dr. Cogswell had a deaf and -dumb daughter, and he originated the design of an asylum, which was more -fully developed by Mr. Gallaudet, in the Hartford asylum for the deaf and -dumb. He died in 1830, at the age of seventy.</p> - -<p>I know of a great many excellent physicians who are musicians and lovers -of music. Guilmette is a first-class primo basso.</p> - -<p>Who does not love to listen to the beautiful heart and home songs of Dr. -J. P. Ordway, such as “Home Delights,” “Come to the Spirit Land,” etc.? -“The twinkling Stars are laughing, Love,” has been sung in every land, and -arranged into band music by all the best leaders of the world. A Boston -musician said to the writer recently, “After the audience had been -disgusted a whole hour by classic music, the house came down -enthusiastically on hearing one of Dr. Ordway’s touching melodies.”</p> - -<p>The Germans seldom die of consumption. They are all musicians. There are -many authors and poets among the German doctors. The following gem, it is -needless to add, is not by one of the best authors:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“December’s came, and now der breezes<br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_594" id="Page_594">[Pg 594]</a></span>Howls vay up amidst der dreeses;<br /> -Now der boy mit ragged drouses<br /> -Shivering feeches home der cowses.<br /> -His boots vas old, und dorn his gloze is,<br /> -Und bless my shdars, how blue his nose is!”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Influence of Music upon Animals.</span></p> - -<p>Some wild animals are easily caught and readily tamed by the assistance, -of music. “Whistle the rabbit and he’ll stop,” is as true as trite. The -most common exhibition of the influence of music on animals is, perhaps, -that witnessed in circuses, and other equestrian entertainments, where the -horse is affected in a lively and exhilarating manner by the performances -of the band, often waltzing and prancing, and keeping perfect time with -the music.</p> - -<p>Dogs are affected by music, but it is difficult to determine whether -agreeably or otherwise. Many naturalists believe it to be disagreeable to -them. Owls have been known to die from the effect of music. On the other -hand, it is well known that many kinds of birds are affected in a very -agreeable manner, often approaching as near as possible the instruments, -or persons, and remaining as long as the music continues, and then -flapping their wings, as we should clap our hands, in approbation of the -performance.</p> - -<p>Many of the wild animals are said to be fond of, and even charmed by, -music. The hunters in the Tyrol, and some parts of Germany, often entice -stags by singing, and the female deer by playing the flute. Beavers and -rats have been taught to dance the rope, keeping time to music.</p> - -<p>Among the insects, spiders are found to be very fond of music. As soon as -the sounds reach them, they descend along their web to the point nearest -to that from which the music originates, and there remain motionless as -long as it continues. Prisoners sometimes tame them by singing or -whistling, and make companions of them.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_595" id="Page_595">[Pg 595]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 329px;"><img src="images/img175.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“MUSIC, THE SOUL OF LIFE.”</p> -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 352px;"><img src="images/img176.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE MUSICAL MICE.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_596" id="Page_596">[Pg 596]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_597" id="Page_597">[Pg 597]</a></span>But perhaps the most remarkable instance of the influence of music on -animals occurred at a menagerie in Paris a few years ago, when a -concert was given, and two elephants were among the auditors. The -orchestra being placed out of their sight, they could not perceive whence -the harmony came. The first sensation was that of surprise. At one moment -they gazed eagerly, at the spectators; the next they ran at their keeper -to caress him, and seemed to inquire what these strange sounds meant; but -at length, perceiving that nothing was amiss, they gave themselves up to -the impression which the music communicated. Each new tune seemed to -produce a change of feeling, causing their gestures and cries to assume an -expression in accordance with it. But it was still more remarkable that, -after a piece had produced an agreeable effect upon them, if it was -incorrectly played, they would remain cold and unmoved.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Music among the Mice.</span></p> - -<p>The writer used to amuse himself and friends by attracting a pair of mice -into his room by means of a guitar. The following, relating to the same, -is from the “American,” 1856:—</p> - -<p>“We called upon our friend, and found him alone in his room, ‘touching the -guitar lightly.’ He arose, greeted us with his bland smile, and said,—</p> - -<p>“‘Perhaps you would like to see my pupils. If you will be seated, and -remain very quiet, I will call them out.’</p> - -<p>“We did so. He resumed his seat, and, taking his splendid-toned guitar, -touched some beautiful chords from an opera, and, in a moment, two or -three mice ran out from the corner of the room, pointed on a ‘bee line’ -towards the sound of the instrument. They stopped and listened for a -moment or two, and, as the music glided up and down, they would move to -and fro some inches on the floor, reminding one of a Schottische. In -various passages of the music I saw one jump up two or three inches from -the floor. Thus they manœuvred till the music ceased, when they -scampered away to their holes again.”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_598" id="Page_598">[Pg 598]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Music and Health.</span></p> - -<p>Let patients amuse themselves by music. It is conducive to health. I -cannot select music for you; choose for yourself, only don’t get the -“Hark! from the tombs a doleful sound” style. Get church music, if you -like, but select a cheering class. O, it is a very mistaken idea that all -music and mirth must cease in a house because a member of the household is -an invalid. Try my suggestion. Re-open the piano or organ; or, if you -haven’t an instrument, re-tune your voices, and let music again “flow -joyfully along,” and see if happy results do not follow.</p> - -<p>Physicians, I pray you, if you have never investigated this matter -personally, do so. It is not adopted by any particular school of physic. -It is not secured by letters patent. You will not be accounted outside of -the Asclepiadæ, nor sued for infringement, if you prescribe music for the -despondent patient. You need not turn “minstrels,” burnt-cork fellows, -etc., nor make comic actors of yourselves by so doing.</p> - -<p>Your judgment will suggest the kind of patient who most needs this sort of -“soul and spirit” stimulus. It is better than slop porter; better than -sulphuric acid brandy, or strychnine whiskey, and you well know the basis -of those liquors. Don’t think me officious in these strong suggestions. -Try my advice, and you will agree with me.</p> - -<p>“<span class="smcap">Prove all things; hold fast to that which is good.</span>”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img177.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_599" id="Page_599">[Pg 599]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXIV" id="XXIV"></a>XXIV.</h2> -<p class="title">ADULTERATIONS.</p> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>BREAD, BUTTER, AND THE BIBLE.—“JACK ASHORE.”—BUCKWHEAT CAKES ARE -GOOD.—WHAT’S IN THE BREAD, AND HOW TO DETECT IT.—BUTTER.—HOW TO -TELL GOOD AND BAD.—MILK.—ANALYSIS OF GOOD AND “SWILL MILK.”—WHAT’S -IN THE MILK BESIDES MICE?—THE COW WITH ONE TEAT.—“LOUD” CHEESE.—TEA -AND COFFEE.—TANNIN, SAWDUST, AND HORSES’ LIVERS.—ALCOHOLIC -DRINKS.—CHURCH WINE AND BREAD.—BEER AND BITTER HERBS.—SPANISH FLIES -AND STRYCHNINE.—“NINE MEN STANDIN’ AT THE DOOR.”—BURTON’S ALE; AN -ASTONISHING FACT.—FISHY.—“FISH ON A SPREE.”—TO REMEDY IMPURE -WATER.—CHARCOAL AND THE BISHOP.—HOG-ISH.—PORK AND -SCROFULA.—NOTICES OF THE PRESS.</small></p></div> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Bread.</span></p> - -<p>Bread and butter and the Bible are synonymous with civilization and -Christianity. Bread and the Bible, civilization and Christianity, have -kept step together since the history of each began.</p> - -<p>Two shipwrecked sailors, floating on a spar, after long privation and -suffering, were thrown upon an unknown land. After looking about very -shyly,—for every thing looked wild and uncivilized,—they came suddenly -upon a hut. Jack was afraid to advance, but his hungry companion -cautiously approached, and finally entered the hut. In a moment he came -rushing out, exclaiming,—</p> - -<p>“Come on, Jack. It’s all right. Nobody at home; but it’s civilized land -we’re grounded on. I found a loaf of bread.”</p> - -<p>This was conclusive evidence, next to finding a Bible, that it was a -civilized country; and Jack waited for no further<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_600" id="Page_600">[Pg 600]</a></span> proof, but followed -Captain Duncan into the cabin, where the two soon appeased their hunger.</p> - -<p>Wheaten bread was never an article of diet amongst savages. “Take away -wheat bread and butter from our families for a few generations, and who is -prepared to say that civilization would not glide easily to a state of -barbarism? There is sound philosophy in this suggestion, because there is -no other kind of human food that is so admirably adapted to the -development of the human frame, including a noble brain, as good wheat -bread.” It contains phosphates in just sufficient quantities to keep up a -healthful supply for brain work. Fish contains more phosphorus; but are -fish-eating Esquimaux,<a name='fna_10' id='fna_10' href='#f_10'><small>[10]</small></a> or coast-men, the more intellectual for having -made fish their principal diet?</p> - -<p>In five hundred pounds of wheat, there are,—</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>Muscle material,</td> - <td><span class="spacer"> </span></td> - <td>78</td><td>pounds.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Bone (and teeth) material,</td> - <td> </td> - <td>85</td><td align="center">"</td></tr> -<tr><td>Fat principle,</td> - <td> </td> - <td>12</td><td align="center">"</td></tr></table> - -<p>Ground to a fine flour:—</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>Muscle material,</td> - <td><span class="spacer"> </span></td> - <td>65</td><td>pounds.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Bone material,</td> - <td> </td> - <td>30</td><td align="center">"</td></tr> -<tr><td>Fat principle,</td> - <td> </td> - <td>10</td><td align="center">"</td></tr></table> - -<p>Cereal food will keep off hunger longer than animal food. By experience I -have found that buckwheat will satisfy the cravings of hunger longer than -wheat, rye, or corn. Dr. R. B. Welton, of Boston, says,—</p> - -<p>“A lady of culture, refinement, and unusual powers of observation and -comparison, became a widow. Reduced from affluence to poverty, with a -large family of small children dependent on her manual labor for daily -food, she made a variety of experiments to ascertain what articles could -be purchased for the least money, and would, at the same time, “go the -farthest,” by keeping her children longest from crying for something to -eat. She soon discovered that when they ate buckwheat cakes and molasses, -they were quiet for a longer time than after eating any other kind of -food.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_601" id="Page_601">[Pg 601]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 337px; height: 500px;"><img src="images/img178.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">SIGNS OF CIVILIZATION.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_602" id="Page_602">[Pg 602]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_603" id="Page_603">[Pg 603]</a></span>“A distinguished judge of the United States District Court observed that -when he took buckwheat cakes for breakfast, he could sit on the bench the -whole day without being uncomfortably hungry. If the cakes were omitted, -he felt obliged to take a lunch about noon. Buckwheat cakes are a -universal favorite at the winter breakfast table, and scientific -investigation and analysis have shown that they abound in the heat-forming -principle; hence nature takes away our appetite for them in summer.”</p> - -<p>Another writer says,—</p> - -<p>“We find the lowest order of intelligences standing on a potato. Only one -step above this class, another order is found on a hoe-cake. One degree -above this we meet with the class that has risen in the scale of being as -high as it is possible for mortals to rise on a pancake. Head and -shoulders above all of these classes we find the highest order of -intelligences, with large and well-developed brains, and noble characters, -standing securely on their wheaten loaf.”</p> - -<p>Since bread, then, is the “staff of life,” the sin of its adulteration is -the greatest of all wrongs to the human family.</p> - -<p>Flour is often adulterated with plaster, white earth, alum, magnesia, etc.</p> - -<p>To detect plaster, burn some of the bread to ashes, and the white grains -will be discovered.</p> - -<p>Alum is a very pernicious ingredient of adulteration, intended to make the -bread white and light. It is often mixed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_604" id="Page_604">[Pg 604]</a></span> in inferior flour. It is -detected thus: Soak the loaf till soft in water, adding sufficient warm -water to make it thin; stir it well, and set it a few hours; then strain -it and boil it, to evaporate most of the water. After it stands a while, -and cools, the crystals of alum will be precipitated. You may then tell it -by taste.</p> - -<p>Magnesia, so often mixed with inferior flour, to make the bread appear -light, is injurious to children and invalids. You may detect it by burning -the bread, and finding the magnesia in the ashes.</p> - -<p>Soda, or potash. Much soda produces dyspepsia, sour stomach, and burning. -To find potash, or soda, break up the bread, and pour upon it sufficient -hot water to cover it. When it is cool, take a piece of litmus paper -(obtained at the apothecary’s), wet it in vinegar, and put it into the -dish with the bread and water. The potash will turn the litmus blue again. -The more potash, the sooner it changes. In some countries it is known that -bread is adulterated by copper.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Butter.</span></p> - -<p>Butter stands next to bread, as an article of diet. It is adulterated, -with difficulty, with lard; but the usual way is to mix very cheap butter -with a quantity of good butter. Butter is colored by carrots, yellow -ochre, and yolks of eggs, and “adulterated by sand and chalk.” To detect -all of these, melt the butter in hot water. The coloring will separate and -join the water, and the other adulterations settle to the bottom.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Milk.</span></p> - -<p>“There’s chalk in the milk,” is all nonsense. Chalk will not remain in -solution, but will settle. Hence milk is not adulterated with chalk. Milk -is reduced by water, and if the body is again made up which the water has -reduced, it is done by adding corn starch, or calves’ brains!</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_605" id="Page_605">[Pg 605]</a></span><i>Pure Milk contains</i></p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>Water,</td> - <td><span class="spacer"> </span></td> - <td align="right">862.8</td></tr> -<tr><td>Solid particles,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right" class="botbor">137.2</td></tr> -<tr><td><span style="margin-left: 4em;">To parts</span></td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">1000</td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td>Butter,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">43.8</td></tr> -<tr><td>Sugar,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">52.7</td></tr> -<tr><td>Caseine,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">38.0</td></tr> -<tr><td>Saline,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right" class="botbor">2.7</td></tr> -<tr><td><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Solid matter,</span></td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">137.2</td></tr></table> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><i>Grass-fed Cows’ Milk.</i></p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>Water,</td> - <td><span class="spacer"> </span></td> - <td align="right">868</td></tr> -<tr><td>Solid,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right" class="botbor">132</td></tr> -<tr><td><span style="margin-left: 2em;">To parts</span></td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">1000</td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td>Butter,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">44</td></tr> -<tr><td>Sugar,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">46</td></tr> -<tr><td>Caseine,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">39</td></tr> -<tr><td>Salt,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right" class="botbor">3</td></tr> -<tr><td><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Solid matter,</span></td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">132</td></tr></table> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><i>Swill Milk of New York.</i></p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>Water,</td> - <td><span class="spacer"> </span></td> - <td align="right">930</td></tr> -<tr><td>Solid particles,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right" class="botbor">70</td></tr> -<tr><td><span style="margin-left: 2em;">To parts</span></td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">1000</td></tr> -<tr><td> </td></tr> -<tr><td>Butter,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">18</td></tr> -<tr><td>Sugar,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">8</td></tr> -<tr><td>Caseine,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">34</td></tr> -<tr><td>Salt,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right" class="botbor">10</td></tr> -<tr><td><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Solid matter,</span></td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">70</td></tr></table> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img179.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">SWILL MILK (MAGNIFIED).</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The reader will perceive by these quotations (from Dr. Samuel R. Percy’s -report to the Academy of Medicine, New York), that it requires twice as -much swill milk to give the same amount of nourishment as of a pure -article. Furthermore, the swill milk is diseased, and, when magnified, -appears as represented in the illustration. It contains corrupt matter, -and pieces of <i>diseased udder</i>, with broken-down rotten globules.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_606" id="Page_606">[Pg 606]</a></span>The result of feeding children on this pernicious article of diet is to -generate scrofula, skin diseases, rickets, diarrhœa, cholera infantum, -and consumption, or marasmus—wasting away.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img180.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">PURE MILK.<span class="spacer3"> </span>WATERED MILK.</p> -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 321px;"><img src="images/img181.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“WHAT’S IN THE MILK?”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_607" id="Page_607">[Pg 607]</a></span>Some children in cities literally starve to death on this sort of milk.</p> - -<p>Starch in milk may be detected by putting a drop of iodine into a glass of -milk, when the starch will give off a blue color; or, by boiling such -milk, it will thicken. <i>Animals’ brains</i>, which are sometimes mixed in -milk, may be detected with the microscope. Soda is often put in cans of -milk that are to be transported, to keep the milk sweet.</p> - -<p>We once saw a milkman <i>picking a pair of mice out of his big milk can</i>; -but these little accidents, with hairs and dirt from the animals, are not -to be mentioned, in view of the above greater facts of “what’s in the -milk”?</p> - -<p>During the late run on the —— Bank, New York, a gentleman said that a -Westchester milkman named Thompson W. Decker had purchased sixteen -thousand dollars worth of books at a discount, not because he wanted to -speculate, as he was a millionnaire, but to show he had confidence in the -institution, and wished to enhance its credit. Profitable business!</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Cow with One Teat.</span></p> - -<p class="poem">A cute old dairyman, who lived on a farm,—<br /> -To tell you the place is no good, nor no harm,—<br /> -Kept three or four cows—“Fan,” “Molly,” and “Bess,”<br /> -With one not yet mentioned, whose name you can’t guess.<br /> -<br /> -Two teams he kept running by night and by day,<br /> -But where all the milk came from nobody could say;<br /> -His cows were no better than those of his neighbor,<br /> -Who kept just as many with equal the labor.<br /> -<br /> -And as for paying! he built a great house,<br /> -And barns, and granaries that would keep out a mouse;<br /> -He drove fast horses, and was said to live high,<br /> -But his neighbors looked on, and couldn’t tell why.<br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_608" id="Page_608">[Pg 608]</a></span><br /> -“<i>Old Bess kicked the bucket!</i> Now let’s see,” said they,<br /> -“If he runs his two carts in the same style to-day.”<br /> -But the ’cute old farmer was not to be beat,<br /> -For the best to give down was the cow with one teat!<br /> -<br /> -But since old “Bess” died the milk had grown thinner,<br /> -And the fact <i>leaked</i> out now that the old sinner<br /> -Had a cow with one teat, and fixed near the rump<br /> -Was a handle which worked like any good pump!</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Cheese.</span></p> - -<p>“Poison is sometimes generated in curds, and cheese prepared too damp, -without sufficient salt.”</p> - -<p>Hall, of the Recorder, has been presented with some Limburger cheese; and -this is how he acknowledges it: “Our friend, Wm. F. Belknap, of Watertown, -sends us some <i>choice</i>, <i>fragrant</i>, Limburger cheese. Although of Dutch -<i>descent</i>, we ‘pass.’ <i>Our</i> ‘offence is <i>not</i> rank!’ and does not ‘smell -to Heaven.’ That <i>distinct</i> package of Limburger could give the ninety and -nine little ‘stinks of Cologne’ ten points, and ‘skunk’ ’em—just as -e-a-s-y. We generously offered the package to a man who slaughters skunks -for their hide and ile; but he said he didn’t admire the odor, and guessed -he’d worry along without it; and we finally passed it on a German, who -lives over the hill five miles to leeward of the village. We suppose there -<i>are</i> some people who eat Limburger. It’s just as a man is brought up. -‘None for Joseph,’ thank you.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Tea and Coffee.</span></p> - -<p>Tea was introduced into England in the year 1666, and sold for sixty -shillings per pound. It was first boiled till tender, and sauced up with -butter in large dishes, the “broth” being thrown away: An excellent way -for using the article!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_609" id="Page_609">[Pg 609]</a></span>All imported tea is black, unless colored before leaving China, and is -colored by prussiate of potash—a poison so deleterious as to require -labelling in drug stores as “<span class="smcap">Poison</span>.” It makes one very nervous,—good tea -does not, unless used to excess,—and acts as a slow poison on the system. -By its over-action on the liver, it makes one yellow, and will spoil the -fairest complexion. All teas contain tannic acid, which, combining with -milk, makes excellent leather of one. Black teas are sometimes colored -with gypsum and Prussian blue.</p> - -<p>I obtained these facts from a retired tea merchant of Philadelphia. He -spent some time in China.</p> - -<p>Coffee is adulterated with mahogany sawdust, acorns, peas, beans, roasted -carrots, but more commonly with dandelion root and chiccory. I have -obtained some samples of these from a large coffee-grinder in this city. -But what is more repulsive still, baked horses’ and bullocks’ livers are -often mixed with cheap coffees, to <i>give them more body</i>! Pure coffee is -the less injurious. All these substances may be detected, <i>as they become -soft by boiling, which coffee-bean does not</i>. Coffee browned in -silver-lined cylinders retains its flavor more perfectly than in iron.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Alcoholic Drinks.</span></p> - -<p>This is not a temperance lecture. I have only to tell you of impure -liquors. Excepting alcohol I know of no pure liquors. I can find none. I -have offered one hundred dollars for an ounce of pure brandy.</p> - -<p><i>Wines.</i>—The following articles are used to make or adulterate wine: -water, sugar, arsenic, alum, cochineal and other coloring matter, chalk, -lime, sulphur, lead, corrosive sublimate, etc.</p> - -<p>To detect arsenic, put some pure lime-water in a glass, and drop the -wine,—say a teaspoonful,—into it. If white clouds arise, expect that it -contains arsenic. A positive test of arsenic in liquids is the -ammonio-nitrate of silver,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_610" id="Page_610">[Pg 610]</a></span> which precipitates a rich yellow matter, the -<i>arseniate of silver</i>, and this quickly changes to a greenish-brown color. -No elder or deacon should use wine, unless domestic, without having a -sample of it analyzed by a disinterested chemist. The thought to me is -perfectly shocking, that the villanous concoctions sold by even honest and -Christian druggists, and used for communion purposes, to represent the -blood of Christ, should be composed of <i>alum, arsenic, and bugs</i>! -(cochineal). Of bread I say the same. A deacon’s wife, not a hundred miles -from Lowell, buys baker’s bread, <i>sour and yellow</i>, for communion -purposes. A lady showed me a sample of it, very unlike what my old -grandmother, a deaconess, used to make for that purpose. It requires too -much space to give tests of the various poisons in wines. I have no -confidence in <i>any</i> foreign wines.</p> - -<p>Alcohol has been distilled from the brain and other parts of the dead body -of drunkards.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Wine Bath.</span></p> - -<p>An American traveller in the streets of Paris, seeing the words, “Wine -Baths given here,” exclaimed,—</p> - -<p>“Well, these French are a luxurious people;” when, with true Yankee -curiosity and the feeling that he could afford whatever any one else did, -he walked in and demanded a “wine bath.”</p> - -<p>Feeling wonderfully refreshed after it, and having to pay but five francs, -he asked, in some astonishment, how a wine bath could be afforded so -cheaply. His sable attendant, who had been a slave in Virginia, and -enjoyed a sly bit of humor, replied,—</p> - -<p>“O, massa, we just pass it along into anudder room, where we gib bath at -four francs.”</p> - -<p>“Then you throw it away, I suppose.”</p> - -<p>“No, massa; den we send it lower down, and charge three francs a bath. -Dar’s plenty of people who ain’t so berry<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_611" id="Page_611">[Pg 611]</a></span> particular, who will bathe in -it after this at two francs a head. Den, massa, we let the common people -have it at a franc apiece.”</p> - -<p>“Then, of course, you throw it away,” exclaimed the traveller, who thought -this was going even beyond Yankee profit.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 360px;"><img src="images/img182.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A CHAMPAGNE BATH.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“No, indeed, massa,” was the indignant reply, accompanied by a profound -bow; “no, indeed, massa; we are not so stravagant as dat comes to; we just -bottle it up den, and send it to ’Meriky for champagne.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Chemist’s Testimony.</span></p> - -<p>Dr. Hiram Cox, an eminent chemist of Ohio, states that during two years he -has made five hundred and seventy-nine inspections of various kinds of -liquors, and has found nine<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_612" id="Page_612">[Pg 612]</a></span> tenths of them imitations, and a quarter -portion of them poisonous concoctions. Of brandy, he found one gallon in -one hundred pure; of wine, not a gallon in a thousand, but generally made -of whiskey as a basis, with poisonous articles for condiments. Not a drop -of Madeira wine had been made in that island since 1851. Some of the -whiskey he inspected contained sulphuric acid enough in a quart to eat a -hole through a man’s stomach.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img183.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">MOTHER’S MILK PURE AND HEALTHY.<span class="spacer"> </span>MOTHER’S MILK AFTER DRINKING WHISKEY.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Brandy usually contains sulphuric acid. I obtained a “pure article” -yesterday, from an honest, Christian druggist. In an hour I found -sulphuric acid in it. Acids are easily detected in liquors, by placing in -it for an hour a bright steel spatula. The acids have an affinity to -steel, and the spatula soon turns black, separating the acid from the -liquid supposed to be brandy. If the brandy is sharp to the throat on -swallowing it, be sure that it is not pure, but contains capsicum, -horseradish, or fusel oil. Good brandy will be smooth and oily to the -throat. To detect lead in wine or brandy, suspend a piece of pure zinc in -the glass, and if the lead is present, delicate fibrils of that metal will -form on the zinc.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_613" id="Page_613">[Pg 613]</a></span>All malt liquors may be adulterated. Bitter herbs are used instead of -hops. Copperas is used in lager beer; tobacco, nux vomica, and cocculus -indicus in London porter—brown stout. To avoid them, <i>drink no beer</i>. It -is of no earthly or heavenly use. A patient who would die without beer -will certainly die with its use. <i>Spanish flies</i> are said to be used in -liquors sometimes.</p> - -<p>The strychnine—of whiskey—directs its action to the superior portion of -the spinal cord: hence paralysis, insanity, and sudden death of whiskey -drinkers.</p> - -<p>Drinkers often suffer from gravel, from the lime, or chalk, or other -minerals contained in liquors. Alcohol itself will <i>not digest</i>, yet -ignorant physicians prescribe alcoholic drinks for dyspeptics.</p> - -<p>Vinegar is often made from sulphuric acid. Good vinegar will not burn on -your lips. To detect acid-sulphuric, drop a little of solution of sugar of -lead in your vinegar; the lead precipitates a whitish sediment.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A short Sermon.</span></p> - -<p>“There’s nine men standin’ at the dore, an they all sed they’d take sugar -in there’n. Sich, friends and brethering, was the talk in a wurldli’ cens, -wonst common in this our ainshunt land, but the dais is gone by and the -sans run dry, and no man can say to his nabur, Thou art the man, and will -you take enny more shugar in your kaughey? But the words of our tex has a -difrunt and more pertikelur meenin than this. Thar they stood at the dore -on a cold winter’s mornin, two Baptiss and two Methodies and five -Lutharians, and the tother was a publikin, and they all with one vois sed -they wouldn’t dirty their feet in a dram shop, but if the publikin would -go and get the drinks they’d pay for ’em. And they all cried out and sed, -‘I’ll take mine with shugar—for it won’t feel good to drink the stuff -without sweetenin’.’ So the publikin he marched in, and the bar-keeper -said, ‘What<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_614" id="Page_614">[Pg 614]</a></span> want ye?’ and he answered and sed, ‘A drink.’ ‘How will ye -have it?’ ‘Plain and strate,’ says he, ‘for it ain’t no use in wastin’ -shugar to circumsalvate akafortis. But there’s nine more standin’ at the -dore, and they all sed they’d take shugar in ther’n.’ Friends and -brethering, it ain’t only the likker or the spirits that is drunk in this -roundabout and underhanded way, but it’s the likker of all sorts of human -wickedness in like manner. There’s the likker of mallis that menny of you -drinks to the drugs; but you’re sure to sweetin’ it with the shugar of -self-justification. Ther’s the likker of avris that some keeps behind the -curtain for constant use, but they always has it well mixt with the -sweetin’ uv prudens and ekonimy. Ther’s the likker of self-luv that sum -men drinks by the gallon, but they always puts in lots of the shugar of -Take Keer of Number One.</p> - -<p>“An’ lastly, ther’s the likker uv oxtorshun, which the man sweetins -according to circumstances.... And ther’s nine men at the dore, and they -all sed they’d take shugar in ther’n. But, friends and brethering, thar’s -a time comin’ and a place fixin’ whar thar’ll be no ‘standin’ at the -door,’ to call for ‘shugar in ther’n.’ But they’ll have to go rite in and -take the drink square up to the front, and the bar-keeper’ll be old Satun, -and nobody else; and he’ll give ’em ‘shugar in ther’n,’ you’d better -believe it; and it’ll be shugar of lead, and red-hot at that, as shure as -my name’s <span class="smcap">Conshunce Dodger</span>.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><span class="smcap">Alcohol</span> contains no life-supporting principle. It has no iron or salts for -the blood, no lime for bone, phosphorus for brain, no nitrogen for vital -tissue. Burton’s “<i>Old Pale Ale</i>” is given to invalids, but (by Dr. -Hassal’s analysis of one gallon), one must swallow 65,320 parts (grains) -of water, 200 of vinegar, 2,510 of malt gum, etc., in order to get 100 of -sugar, which is the only nourishing quality therein.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_615" id="Page_615">[Pg 615]</a></span><span class="smcap">Fish</span> is a good and -wholesome article of diet, and salt water fish are never poisonous, if fresh. I once knew of fresh water fish being -poisonous. The following article appeared in the Daily Courant of Hartford in 1864.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Fish in Little River on a Spree.</span></p> - -<p>Something got into the fish in Little River yesterday morning, “and raised -the mischief” with them. They came to the top of the water, hundreds of -them, and acted as if they were in the last stages of a premature decline. -“Want of breath,” such as boys say dogs die with, seemed to be the -trouble. Never were the finny tribe so anxious to get out of water, and -they poked their noses above the surface in the most beseeching way -possible. The appeal was too strong to resist, and hundreds of men, women, -and children, with sudden inventions for furnishing relief, such as -baskets, coal-sifters, bags, etc., fixed at the end of long poles, lined -the banks of the stream, and such luck in fishing has not been witnessed -in this vicinity for years. What produced all this commotion among the -inhabitants of the deep, is only conjectured. Some say a beer brewery, -whose flavoring extracts (one of which is said to be cockle), after being -relieved of their choicest qualities, are sent through a sewer into the -stream, was the fountain head from which the trouble flowed. But beer -drinkers look upon the idea as preposterous; they say it casts an -unwarranted reflection upon a most respectable article of beverage. -Perhaps so. Another claim is that somebody had thrown acid into the water; -and another that decayed vegetable matter, occasioned by the long drought, -has been liberally distributed in the river, from small streams which the -late rains have swollen. We express no opinion about it, for, as the -sensationist would say in speaking of something on a grander scale, “The -whole matter is wrapped in the most profound mystery.” It is a sure<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_616" id="Page_616">[Pg 616]</a></span> -thing, however, that the fish had a high old time, and were considerably -puzzled themselves to know what was up. Wouldn’t advise anybody to invest -in dressed suckers for a day or two, at least.</p> - -<p>Since writing the above, Dr. Crabtre, coroner, informs us that he has -secured several of the fish, and finds, by analyzing, that they were -poisoned by sulphuric acid. The evidence of it is very strong in the fish -that died before being taken from the water. Acid is used at Sharp’s -factory, and is thrown in considerable quantities into the river. It will -not be very healthy business to eat fish which have been thus “tampered -with,” and, as we are informed that many were dressed yesterday and sent -into market, we caution the public against buying “small fry,” unless they -know where they were caught.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Water.</span></p> - -<p>Foul wells, from an accumulation of carbonic acid gas, may be purified by -a horse-shoe. But the horse-shoe, or other iron, or a brick, must be red -hot. The vapor thus immediately absorbs the poison gas.</p> - -<p>“Drink no water from streams or rivers on which, above, there are -manufactories, etc.,” says a medical writer. But if such water is filtered -through charcoal, it will be tolerably pure. Even stagnant water may be -purified by pulverized charcoal. Dead rats, cats, and dogs are sometimes -found in wells. The taste of the water soon reveals such offensive -presence. Clean out the well, and sift in some charcoal and dry earth, and -the water will be all right again.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charcoal</span> will purify, but it will also defile, as the following will -show:—</p> - -<p>“A small boy, not yet in his teens, had charge of a donkey laden with -coals, on a recent day in spring; and in a Midland Lane, far away from any -human habitation, the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_617" id="Page_617">[Pg 617]</a></span> wicked ass threw off his load—a load too heavy for -the youngster to replace. He sat down in despair, looking alternately at -the sack and the cuddy—the latter (unfeeling brute!) calmly cropping the -roadside grass. At last a horseman hove in sight, and gradually drew -nearer and nearer.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 389px;"><img src="images/img184.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">WAITING FOR ASSISTANCE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“‘Halloa, thee big fellow!’ cried the lad to the six-feet Archdeacon of -——, ‘I wish thee’dst get off thy ’oss, and give us a lift with this here -bag of coals.’</p> - -<p>“The venerable rider had delivered many a charge in his life, but never -received such a one as this himself—so brief and so brusque. He was taken -aback at first, and drew himself up; but his good nature overcame his -offended dignity, and dismounting, he played the part, not of the Levite, -but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_618" id="Page_618">[Pg 618]</a></span> of the Samaritan. The big priest and the small boy tugged and tumbled -the sack, and hugged and lifted it, till the coals were fairly <i>in statu -quo</i>—the archdeacon retiring from his task with blackened hands and -soiled neck-tie.</p> - -<p>“‘Well,’ exclaimed the small boy as his venerable friend remounted his -horse, ‘for such a big chap as thee art, thee’s the awkwardest at a bag o’ -coals I ever seed in all my born days! Come op, Neddy!’”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Hogish.</span></p> - -<p>Pork is one of the vilest articles ever introduced into the dietetic -world. It is a food for the generation and development of scrofula. The -word <i>scrofa</i> (Latin), from which <i>scrofula</i> is derived, means a breeding -sow. Pork is the Jew’s abomination. I have never seen but one Jew with the -scrofula. The Irish worship a pig. They die by the wholesale of scrofula -and consumption. Tubercles are often found in pork, sometimes in beef. We -had the gratification of adding to the health of Hartford for two summers -by abating the swine nuisance. Previous to our war on them, the hogs -<i>rooted and wallowed in the streets</i>!</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Adulterations of Sugar and Confectionery.</span></p> - -<p>It is pleasantly supposed that sugar is the basis of all candies; and -originally this was doubtless true.</p> - -<p>It would be better for the rising generation if the original prescription -was still carried out, and nothing of a more injurious nature than sugar -was added to it, in the innumerable varieties of confectionery which are -daily sold in our shops, or in richly decorated stores, “gotten up -regardless of expense,” over elegant marble counters, and from tempting -cut and stained glass jars, or from little stands upon the street corners, -to our children, old and young.</p> - -<p>Sugar, pure and in moderate quantities, is a very harmless confection.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_619" id="Page_619">[Pg 619]</a></span>Professor Morchand and others affirm that a solution of pure sugar has no -injurious effect upon the teeth, the popular notion to the contrary -notwithstanding. Neither is pure or refined sugar, taken in moderate -quantities, injurious to the blood, or the stomach, <i>unless the stomach be -very weak</i>. In order to cure my children of an inordinate appetite for -sugar, I have repeatedly obtained a pound of pure white lump, and set it -before each, respectively, allowing it to eat as much as it chose. -Failing, in one case out of three, to surfeit the child with one pound, I -purchased six pounds in a box, and taking off the cover, I placed the -whole temptingly before her. This cloyed her, and now she does not take -sugar in her tea.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 280px;"><img src="images/img185.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A CONFECTIONERY STORE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I have never known serious results accruing from children eating large -quantities of purified sugar; yet I would not advise it to be given them -in excess, excepting for the above purpose, viz., “to cure them of an -inordinate appetite for sugar.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_620" id="Page_620">[Pg 620]</a></span>Now try to break the child of an excessive appetite for candy by giving it -large quantities at once, and nine times out of ten you will have a sick -or dead child in the house for your rash experiment.</p> - -<p>Hence your candies, “nine times out of ten,” will be found to contain -injurious or poisonous substances.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Refined Sugar.</span></p> - -<p>Sugar is an aliment and condiment. It is also, medically, an alterative -and a demulcent. Finely pulverized loaf sugar and gum arabic, in equal -proportions, form an excellent and soothing compound for inflamed throats, -catarrh, and nasal irritations, to be taken dry, by mouth and nostrils, -and often repeated.</p> - -<p>Pure loaf sugar is white, brittle, inodorous, permanent in the air, and of -a specific gravity of 1.6. It is chemically expressed thus: C24, H22, O22. -It is nutritious to a certain extent, but alone will not support life for -an unlimited length of time. This is owing to the entire absence of -nitrogen in its composition. By analysis, sugar is resolved into carbon, -oxygen, and hydrogen.</p> - -<p>Pulverized sugar is often adulterated with starch, flour, magnesia, and -sometimes silex and terra alba. Loaf sugar, however, is usually found to -be pure.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Brown or Unrefined Sugar.</span></p> - -<p>Brown sugar changes under atmospheric influences, and loses its sweetness. -This change is attributed to the lime it contains. The best grade of brown -sugar is nearly dry, of yellowish color, and emits less odor than the -lower grades. It consists of cane sugar, vegetable and gummy matter, -tannic acid, and lime. Put your hand into a barrel containing damp brown -sugar, press a quantity, and suddenly relax your grasp, and it moves as -though it was alive. It is alive! Place a few grains under a powerful -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_621" id="Page_621">[Pg 621]</a></span>microscope, and lo! you see organized animals, with bodies, heads, eyes, -legs, and claws!</p> - -<p>Poor people, who purchase brown sugar in preference to white, miss a -figure in their selection, by the sand, water, and other foreign -substances which the former contains.</p> - -<p>Brown sugar is not so wholesome as the refined. I have attributed several -cases of gravel that have come under my observation to the patients’ -habitual use of low grades of brown sugar.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Confectionery. The first Step in its Adulteration.</span></p> - -<p>Confectionery and sweetmeats used to be manufactured from sugar, flour, -fruit, nuts, etc., and flavored with sassafras, lemon, orange, vanilla, -rose, and the extracts of various other plants or vegetables. When -competition came in the way of profits on these articles, the avaricious -and dishonest manufacturer began to substitute or add something of a -cheaper or heavier nature to these compositions, which would enable him to -sell at a lower price, with even a greater profit. Candy cheats were not -easily detected, the sweets and flavors hiding the multitude of sins of -the confectioner.</p> - -<p>It seemed all but useless for the would-be honest manufacturer to attempt -to either compete with his rival or to expose his rascalities, which -latter would only serve to advertise the wares of his competitor. Hence -he, too, adopted the same practice of adulterating his manufactures. One -dishonest man makes a thousand. I do not affirm that there are no honest -confectioners,—this would be as ungenerous as untrue,—or that we must -use no confectionery. But let us hereby learn to avoid that which is -impure.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Gypsum, Terra Alba, or Plaster of Paris.</span></p> - -<p>This is the principal article used in the manufacture of impure candies. -The first intimation that the writer had of terra alba being mixed with -sugar in candy, was when one<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_622" id="Page_622">[Pg 622]</a></span> confectioner placed a sample of the <i>white -earth</i> in a dish upon his counter, with a sample of confectionery made -therefrom, to expose the cheat of his rivals. “But as for me, I make only -pure candies,” etc., was his affirmation. Well, perhaps he did.</p> - -<p>What is the nature of gypsum, terra alba, or white earth? Gypsum, or -sulphate of lime, is a white, crystalline mineral, found in the excrement -of most animals. Hence gypsum is extensively used as an artificial manure. -It is found in peat soil, also used for manure, and is a natural -production, occurring in rocky masses, under various names, as alabaster, -anhydrate, and selenite.</p> - -<p>The natural gypsum, or plaster of commerce, consists of</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>Water,</td> - <td><span class="spacer"> </span></td> - <td align="right">21</td> - <td>per cent.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Lime,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">33</td> - <td align="center">"</td></tr> -<tr><td>Sulphuric acid,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right" class="botbor">46</td> - <td align="center">"</td></tr> -<tr><td colspan="2"> </td> - <td align="right">100</td></tr></table> - -<p>Plaster was used as a fertilizer by the early Roman and British farmers. -It was introduced into America in 1772. It may here be worthy of notice, -that when Dr. Franklin desired to exhibit its utility to his unbelieving -countrymen, he sowed upon a field near Washington, in large letters, with -pulverized gypsum, the following words: “This has been plastered.”</p> - -<p>The result is supposed to have been highly convincing. But this was as a -manure. Dr. Franklin did not recommend it as a condiment.</p> - -<p>You may know children who have been sown with plaster—though that plaster -was modified by the smaller admixture of sugar—by their pale, puny, -weakly appearance. Sugar has a tendency to increase the fatty and warming -matter of the system; gypsum, or terra alba, to destroy it.</p> - -<p>Gypsum is used in confectionery without being calcined.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_623" id="Page_623">[Pg 623]</a></span> Calcined plaster, -after being wet, readily “sets,” or hardens. Heating gypsum deprives it of -the percentage of water, when it is known to commerce as “plaster of -Paris.” It is cheap as manure; hence it is used instead of sugar.</p> - -<p>Terra alba taken into the system absorbs the moisture essential to health, -and disposes the child to weakness of the joints and spinal column, to -rickets, marasmus, and consumption. There are other diseases to which its -habitual use exposes the user; but if parents will not heed the above -warning, it is useless to multiply reasons for not feeding children upon -cheap or adulterated confectionery.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">To detect Mineral Substance.</span></p> - -<p>Take no man’s <i>ipse dixit</i> when the health or lives of your precious ones -are at stake. “Prove all things.”</p> - -<p>To detect mineral substances in candy, put a quantity—particularly of -lozenges, peppermints, or cream candy—into a bowl, pour on sufficient hot -water to cover it well. Sugar is soluble in boiling water to any extent. -Terra alba is not. The sugar will all disappear; the plaster, sand, etc., -will settle to the bottom; the coloring matter will mix in or rise to the -top of the water. <i>Pure candies leave no sediment when dissolved in hot -water.</i></p> - -<p>I have seen some “chocolate cream drops” which were half terra alba; nor -were these purchased upon the street corners, where the worst sorts are -said to be exhibited. Boston dealers complain that some New York houses -send drummers to Boston who offer confectionery at a less price, at -wholesale, than it costs to manufacture a fair grade of the same by any -process yet known, in Boston. Chocolate drops are made by a patent process -at about seventeen cents per pound when sugar is fourteen, and chocolate -thirty-five cents per pound.</p> - -<p>Gum arabic drops have been sold for seventeen cents<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_624" id="Page_624">[Pg 624]</a></span> when sugar cost -almost twice that sum, and pure gum arabic nearly three times seventeen -cents. I asked an extensive confectioner how this could be explained, and -he said, “By using glucose in place of gum arabic.”</p> - -<p>Now, glucose is a sugar obtained from grapes, a very nice substitute for -the above, though less sweet than other sugars—as cane, beet, etc.</p> - -<p>“What do you call glucose?” I asked this confectioner.</p> - -<p>“It is mucilage made from glue,” was his reply.</p> - -<p>Glue is a nasty substance, at best. It is extracted by no very neat -process from the refuse of skins, parings, hoofs, entrails, etc., of -animals, particularly of oxen, calves, and sheep. It usually lies till it -becomes stale and corrupt before being made into glue.</p> - -<p>A confectioner showed me some “gum arabic drops” made from this patent -“glucose” which cost but thirteen cents per pound. Jessop exhibited some -extra pure gum drops which actually cost fifty cents to manufacture. I -found all his costlier candies to be pure.</p> - -<p>Gum drops are a luxury, and are excellent for bronchial difficulties, -inflammation of the throat, larynx, and stomach. How shall we, then, tell -a pure gum arabic drop from those nasty glue drops? First, the cheap -article is usually of a darker color. The pure gum arabic drops are light -color, like the gum. Take one in your fingers and double it over. If it -possesses sufficient elasticity to bend on itself thus without breaking -the grain, you may feel pretty sure it is gum arabic. The glue drop is -brittle, and breaks up rough as it bends.</p> - -<p>Do not purchase the colored drops. Pure sugar and gum arabic are white, or -nearly so, and require no coloring.</p> - -<p>Purchase only of a reliable party. Avoid colored confectionery, also all -cheap candies. Even maple sugar makers <i>have heard</i> of sand and gypsum.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_625" id="Page_625">[Pg 625]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Poisonous Coloring Matter, etc.</span></p> - -<p>The following poisonous coloring materials are sometimes used in -confectionery, says “The Art of Confectionery,” but should be avoided: -Scheele’s green, a deadly poison, composed of arsenic and copper; -verdigris (green), or acetate of copper—another deadly poison; red oxide -of lead; brown oxide of lead; massicot, or, yellow oxide of lead; oxide of -copper, etc.; vermilion, or sulphuret of mercury; gamboge, chromic acid, -and Naples yellow. “Litmus, also, should be avoided, as it is frequently -incorporated with arsenic and the per-oxide of mercury.”</p> - -<p>Ultramarine blue is barely admissible, and blue candies are less liable to -be injurious than green, yellow, or red. Marigolds and saffron are -sometimes used for coloring; but the cost of these, particularly the -latter, compared with the minerals, as French and chrome yellows, is so -high, rendering the temptation to substitute the latter so great, that -purchasers should give themselves the benefit of the fear, and use no -yellow candies of a cheap quality. Green candy is the most dangerous. Buy -none, use none; they are mostly very dangerous confections.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Licorice, Gum Drops, etc.</span></p> - -<p>About the nastiest of all candies are the licorice and the chocolate -conglomerations. Glue, molasses, brown sugar, plaster, and lampblack, are -among their beauties, with, for the latter, just sufficient real chocolate -to give them a possible flavor. Licorice is cheap enough and nasty enough, -but the addition of refuse molasses, glue, and lampblack, which is no -unusual matter, makes it still more repulsive.</p> - -<p>Metcalf & Company, extensive wholesale and retail druggists, kindly gave -me the figures of cost on the first, second, and lower grades of gum -arabic, glucose, etc. The first quality of gum arabic costs, by the cask, -about sixty to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_626" id="Page_626">[Pg 626]</a></span> seventy-five cents per pound; the lowest about twenty-two. -There is a new manufacture in New York, with a “side issue,” wherein they -necessarily turn out large quantities of glucose,—refuse from grain,—and -this is sold for eight to thirteen cents a pound, to confectioners. It is -much better than glue, but still the glue is used to-day, and I have on my -table at this moment a sample of “gum drops” made this week in Boston from -cheap glue, brown sugar, and a little Tonka bean flavor. The Tonka bean -represents vanilla. These cost thirteen cents a pound, and are sometimes -known, with the mucilage or glucose drops, to wholesale buyers, as “A. B.” -drops, to distinguish them from pure gum arabic. The unfortunate consumer, -however, is not informed regarding the difference.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Dangerous Acids.</span></p> - -<p>“Sour drops,” or lemon drops, are sometimes flavored with lemon; but oil -of lemon is costly, and sulphuric and nitric acids are cheap, and more -extensively used in confectionery. I recently sat down with a friend, in a -first-class restaurant, to a piece of “lemon pie,” etc. I took St. Paul’s -advice, and partook of what was set before me, asking no questions for -conscience’ sake. The next morning, meeting the friend,—a physician, by -the way,—I asked him how he liked tartaric acid. He replied, “Very well -in a drink, but not in pies.”</p> - -<p>These acids are not only injurious to the teeth, but to the tender mucous -membranes of the throat and stomach, engendering headache, colic-like -pains, diarrhœa, and painful urinary diseases. Spirits of turpentine, -or oil of turpentine, is extensively used in “peppermints;” also in -essence of peppermint, often sold by peddlers, and in shops, as “pure -essence.” I question if any druggist would retail such impure and -dangerous articles, since he would know it at sight, and ought to be -familiar with its evil effects when used freely, as people use essence -of peppermint. What I have stated respecting the flavoring of soda syrups -is applicable to confectionery.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_627" id="Page_627">[Pg 627]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 309px;"><img src="images/img186.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">TARTARIC ACID FOR SUPPER.</p> -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 347px;"><img src="images/img187.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A STREET CANDY STAND.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_628" id="Page_628">[Pg 628]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_629" id="Page_629">[Pg 629]</a></span>Hydrocyanic acid, or prussic acid, which is mentioned as being used to -represent “wild cherry,” in syrup or medicines, is employed in candies to -give an “almond” flavor. Oil of bitter almonds is very costly, which is -the excuse for substituting the much cheaper article, prussic acid.</p> - -<p>The temptations set in the way of children to purchase candies are so -great, and the adulterations so common, that I have devoted more space to -the <i>exposé</i> of these cheats than I at first intended; but I hope that the -public will hereby take warning, and mark the beneficial results which -will accrue from an avoidance of cheap, painted, and adulterated -confectioneries. These are sold everywhere, but most commonly upon the -streets.</p> - -<p>Near a stand upon a public street of this city, sandwiched by the thick -flying dust on the one hand, and the warning, “Dust thou art,” on the -other, my attention was attracted to a little ragged urchin, who stood -holding under his left arm a few dirty copies of a daily paper, while the -right hand wandered furtively about in his trousers pocket, and his eyes -looked longingly upon the tempting confectionery spread upon the dusty -board and boxes before him. Indecision dwelt upon his pale, thin -countenance, and drawing nearer, I awaited this conflict of mind and -matter with a feeling of no little curiosity.</p> - -<p>Finally, he seemed to have decided upon a purchase of some variegated -candy, and making a desperate dive with the hand deeper into the pocket, -he drew forth some pennies, which were quickly exchanged for the coveted -painted poison,—none the more poisonous for having been sold upon a -street stand, however.</p> - -<p>His sharp, bluish-pale face lighted up with an unnatural glow of delight -as he seized the tempting prize; and as he turned away, I said, kindly,—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_630" id="Page_630">[Pg 630]</a></span>“Have you been selling papers, sonny?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir; buy one?” he replied, with an eye yet to business.</p> - -<p>“Yes; and have you any more pennies?”</p> - -<p>“No, sir.” And he dropped his head in confusion.</p> - -<p>“How much have you made to-day?” I next inquired.</p> - -<p>“Seventeen cents, sir.”</p> - -<p>“And expended it all for candy, I suppose.”</p> - -<p>Receiving an affirmative reply, I next kindly questioned him respecting -his family. His mother was a widow, very poor, and I asked him,—</p> - -<p>“What will she say when you return with no money to show for your day’s -work?”</p> - -<p>The tears started from his blue eyes, and I knew that I had made a -“point.” After some further conversation, I persuaded him to show me where -he lived. Up the usual “three flight, back,” in a low attic room, I beheld -a picture of abject misery. The mother was sick, and lay uncomfortably -upon an old sofa, which, with two rickety chairs and a large box, which -served the double purpose of table and cupboard, were the only furniture -of the apartment. She was totally dependent upon her little son’s earnings -for a sustenance. She had nothing in the house to eat; no money with which -to obtain anything. Her boy’s earnings had fallen off unaccountably, and -for two days they had not tasted food. When she learned that he had -brought in no money (for it was now near nightfall), she fell to weeping -and upbraiding “the lazy, idle wretch for not bringing home something to -eat.” The boy began to cry bitterly, and acknowledged his error in -spending his earnings for confectionery. I then exacted a solemn promise -from him that he never would buy another penny’s worth of the poison, gave -him some change to purchase a bountiful meal, and left with a -determination to ventilate street candy stands.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_631" id="Page_631">[Pg 631]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 401px;"><img src="images/img188.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE NEWSBOY’S MOTHER.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_632" id="Page_632">[Pg 632]</a></span> </p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_633" id="Page_633">[Pg 633]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXV" id="XXV"></a>XXV.</h2> -<p class="title">ALL ABOUT TOBACCO.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>“The doctors admit snuff’s a hurtful thing,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And troubles the brain and sight,</span><br /> -But it helps their trade; so they do not say<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Quite as much as they otherwise might.”—L. H. S.</span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>“HOW MUCH?”—AMOUNT IN THE WORLD.—“SIAMESE TWINS.”—A MIGHTY -ARMY.—ITS NAME AND NATIVITY.—A DONKEY RIDE.—LITTLE -BREECHES.—WHIPPING SCHOOL GIRLS AND BOYS TO MAKE THEM SMOKE.—TOM’S -LETTER.—“PURE SOCIETY.”—HOW A YOUNG MAN WAS “TOOK IN.”—DELICIOUS -MORSELS.—THE STREET NUISANCE.—A SQUIRTER.—ANOTHER.—IT BEGETS -LAZINESS.—NATIONAL RUIN.—BLACK EYES.—DISEASE AND INSANITY.—USES OF -THE WEED.—GETS RID OF SUPERFLUOUS POPULATION.—TOBACCO WORSE THAN -RUM.—THE OLD FARMER’S DOG AND THE WOODCHUCK.—“WHAT KILLED HIM.”</small></p></div> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">How much?</span></p> - -<p>Do you know how much money is being squandered to-day, in the United -States, in the filthy, health-destroying use of tobacco?</p> - -<p>No.</p> - -<p>Only $410,958! That’s all.</p> - -<p>In Commissioner Wells’s report, it is shown that in the fiscal year ending -June 30, 1868, the amount received from the tax on chewing and smoking -tobacco was, in round numbers, fifteen million dollars. Add to this the -cost of production, and dealers’ profits, which are five times more than -the revenue tax, amounting to seventy-five million dollars. The number of -cigars taxed was six hundred millions. It is calculated as many more are -used through smuggling, making<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_634" id="Page_634">[Pg 634]</a></span> a grand total yearly expenditure in the -United States of one hundred and fifty millions of dollars for tobacco -alone!</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img189.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE IDOL OF TOBACCO USERS.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Give me $410,958 a day, and I will go into the pauper houses of these -United States, and bring forth every pauper child; I will go down into the -dark, damp cellars, and away into the cobweb-hung attics, and bring forth -every ragged child of crime and poverty. I will take all these little -bread-and-gospel-starved children, feed, clothe, and send them to school -and Sabbath school, the year round, with $410,958 a day.</p> - -<p>Christian ministers and professors, think of it! Young men and boys, think -of it!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_635" id="Page_635">[Pg 635]</a></span>Yes, the Americans smoke, snuff, and chew one hundred and fifty million -dollars in tobacco annually. The Chinamen consume $38,294,200 worth of -opium in a year. The Russians stuff and glut over an unmerciful amount of -lard and candles in a year; and the Frenchmen disgust the rest of mankind -by eating all the frogs they can catch. Then there are the cannibals of -the South Seas—they love tender babies to eat, but not an old -tobacco-soaked sailor will they masticate.</p> - -<p>Tobacco kills lice, bugs, fops, small boys, and other vermin.</p> - -<p>Tobacco fees doctors, and fills hospitals.</p> - -<p>Tobacco fills insane asylums and jails.</p> - -<p>Tobacco fills pauper houses and graveyards.</p> - -<p>Tobacco makes drunkards.</p> - -<p>Tobacco and rum go hand and hand; they are one, inseparable; they are -twins, yea, Siamese twins, the Chang and Eng of all villanies. I never saw -a drunkard who did not first use tobacco. Did you?</p> - -<p>John H. Hawkins, the father of Washingtonians, said he never was able to -find a drunkard who had not first used tobacco.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Too low a Figure.</span></p> - -<p>Since writing the above I have been variously informed that my figures are -too low. The national revenue derived from tobacco in the States for the -year ending June, 1871, was $31,350,707.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Cigars.</span></p> - -<p>“According to General Pleasonton, who collected the tax on them, there -were 1,332,246,000 cigars used in the United States last year. This one -billion three hundred and thirty-two million two hundred and forty-six -thousand cigars were undoubtedly retailed at ten cents apiece. So we -smoked up in this country, last year, $133,224,600 worth of tobacco.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_636" id="Page_636">[Pg 636]</a></span>This does not include pipe-smoking nor chewing tobacco.</p> - -<p>The total amount of the vile weed produced in the world annually is as -follows:—</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>Asia,</td> - <td><span class="spacer"> </span></td> - <td align="right">309,900,000</td> - <td>pounds.</td></tr> -<tr><td>Europe,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">281,844,500</td> - <td align="center">"</td></tr> -<tr><td>America,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">248,280,500</td> - <td align="center">"</td></tr> -<tr><td>Africa,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">24,300,100</td> - <td align="center">"</td></tr> -<tr><td>Australia,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right" class="botbor">714,000</td> - <td align="center">"</td></tr> -<tr><td>Making a total of,</td> - <td> </td> - <td align="right">865,039,100</td> - <td align="center">"</td></tr></table> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The mighty Army of Invasion.</span></p> - -<p>It is estimated that there are two hundred millions of tobacco-users in -the world. What a splendid regiment of sneezers, spewers, smokers, and -spitters they would make! They would form a phalanx of five deep, reaching -entirely around the world.</p> - -<p>Wouldn’t they look gay? Forty millions, with filthy old tobacco pipes -stuck in their mouths, “smoking away ‘like devils!’” Eighty millions, with -best Havana cigars, made in Connecticut and New York, from cabbage leaf, -waste stumps of cigars, and “old soldiers,” thrown away by Irish, Dutch, -Italians, French, and Chinese, out of cancerous mouths, whiskey mouths, -syphilitic and ulcerous mouths, rotten-toothed -mouths—splendid!—protruding from between their sweet lips! Forty -millions with pigtail and fine cut, sweet “honey dew,” made as above, -scented, grinding away in their forty million human mills! Forty millions, -including five millions in petticoats, holding cartridge boxes (of snuff) -in their delicate hands, from which they distribute death-dealing -ammunition to—their lovely noses!</p> - -<p>See them “marching along, marching along,” to the tune that never an “old -cow died on” yet, or hogs, or any animal, except he unfortunately became -mixed up involuntarily with viler humans,—with jolly banners, blacked in -the smoke<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_637" id="Page_637">[Pg 637]</a></span> and stench of great battles, bearing the words “Death to -Purity!” “War to the Hilt with Health!” “All hail, Disease, Drunkenness, -and Death!”</p> - -<p>Splendid picture!</p> - -<p>Alas! true picture!</p> - -<p>And what do they leave in their wake?</p> - -<p>Death to all animal and vegetable life!</p> - -<p>The vile spittle and debris dropped by the way have killed all vegetable -life. There’s nothing vile and filthy that they have not cursed the ground -with.</p> - -<p>The following are a few of the articles mixed with various brands of -tobacco, as though the original poisonous weed was not sufficiently -deleterious: Opium, copperas, iron, licorice,—blacked with -lampblack,—the dirtiest refuse molasses, the offal of urine, etc.</p> - -<p>The effluvia and smoke arising have killed the foliage and the birds by -the wayside, and miles of beautiful forests have been burned away. Nothing -but a broad strip of blackened, cursed, and barren waste, remains. To -offset this evil there is—nothing.</p> - -<p>Now, this army is daily on its march through our land, and I have only -<i>begun</i> to mention its depredations. Who will stop it?</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Its Names and Nativity.</span></p> - -<p>Tobacco is a native of the West Indies. Romanus Paine, who accompanied -Columbus on his second voyage, seems to have been the first to introduce -tobacco into Europe as an article of luxury. Paine is said to have lived a -vagabond life, and died a miserable death.</p> - -<p>The natives called it <i>Peterna</i>. The name tobacco is derived from the town -of Tabaco, New Spain. The Latin name, Nicotiana Tabacum, is from Jean -Nicot, who was a French ambassador from the court of Francis I. (born the -year tobacco was introduced by Paine) to Portugal. On<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_638" id="Page_638">[Pg 638]</a></span> the return of -Nicot, he brought and introduced to the French court the narcotic plant, -and popularized it in France. Thence it was introduced all over Europe, -but encountered great opposition. Sir Walter Raleigh introduced tobacco -into England about 1582.</p> - -<p>History informs us that a Persian king so strongly prohibited its use, and -visited such severe penalties upon its votaries, that many of his subjects -fled away to the caves, forests, and mountains, where they might worship -this matchless deity free from persecution. The czar prohibited its use in -Russia under penalty of death to smokers, mitigating snuff takers’ penalty -to <i>merely slitting open their noses</i>.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 256px;"><img src="images/img190.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">PUNISHMENT OF THE TURK.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>In Constantinople a Turk found smoking was placed upon a donkey, facing -the beast’s rump, and with a pipe-stem run through his nose, was rode -about the public streets, a sad warning to all tobacco smokers. King James -thundered against it. The government of Switzerland sounded its voice -against it till the Alps echoed again.</p> - -<p>But in spite of opposition and the vileness of the article, it has worked -itself into a general use,—next to that of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_639" id="Page_639">[Pg 639]</a></span> table salt,—and to-day a -majority of the adult male population of our Christianized and enlightened -United States are its acknowledged votaries.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 330px;"><img src="images/img191.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">SMOKERS OF FOUR GENERATIONS.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>In the year 1850 I saw in a house in Sedgwick, Me., individuals of four -different generations smoking. The old grandmother was eighty-five years -old. She smoked. A grandmother, sixty-three, with her husband, smoked. -Their son smoked, and had very weak eyes. His two nephews smoked and -chewed tobacco. The elder lady died with scrofulous sore eyes, not having, -for years before her death, a single eyelash, and her swollen, inflamed -eyelids were a sight disgusting to view. All her grand and great -grandchildren whom I saw were scrofulous. Some suffered with rheumatism, -and all were yellowish or tawny.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_640" id="Page_640">[Pg 640]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Little Children learn to smoke.</span></p> - -<p>I once saw a father teaching his little three-year-old boy to smoke. I -knew a boy at Ellsworth who learned to smoke before he could light his -pipe. His father, who taught him the wicked habit, was not at all -respectable, and had often been jailed for selling rum.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>The following is a sample of the modern John Hay’s style of teaching:—</p> - -<p class="poem"><span style="margin-left: 3em;">LITTLE-BREECHES.</span><br /> -“I come into town with some turnips,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And my little Gabe come along—</span><br /> -No four-year-old in the county<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Could beat him for pretty and strong;</span><br /> -Peart, and chipper, and sassy,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Always ready to swear and fight,</span><br /> -And I’d larnt him to chaw terbacker,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Jest to keep his milk teeth white.</span><br /> -<br /> -“The snow come down like a blanket<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As I passed by Taggart’s store;</span><br /> -I went in for a jug of molasses,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And left the team at the door.</span><br /> -They scared at something and started—<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I heard one little squall,</span><br /> -And hell-to-split over the prairie<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Went team, Little-Breeches and all.</span><br /> -<br /> -“Hell-to-split over the prairie!<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I was almost froze with skeer;</span><br /> -But we rousted up some torches,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And sarched for ’em far and near.</span><br /> -At last we struck hosses and wagon,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Snowed under a soft white mound:</span><br /> -Upsot, dead beat—but of little Gabe<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">No hide nor hair was found.</span><br /> -<br /> -“And here all hopes soured on me<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of my fellow-critters’ aid—</span><br /> -I jest flopped down on my marrow bones,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Crotch-deep in the snow, and prayed.</span><br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_641" id="Page_641">[Pg 641]</a></span>By this the torches was played out,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And me and Isrul Parr</span><br /> -Went off for some wood to a sheep-fold,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That he said was somewhar thar.</span><br /> -<br /> -“We found it at last, and a little shed<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Where they shut up the lambs at night;</span><br /> -We looked in, and seen them huddled thar,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So warm, and sleepy, and white.</span><br /> -<br /> -“And thar sot Little-Breeches, and chirped<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As peart as ever you see:</span><br /> -‘I want a chaw of terbacker,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And that’s what’s the matter of me.’”</span></p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 312px;"><img src="images/img192.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“I WANT A CHAW OF TERBACKER.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Whipping School Boys and Girls to make them smoke.</span></p> - -<p>In London, in 1721, Thomas Hearne tells us school children were compelled -to smoke. “And I remember,” he says, “that I heard Tom Rogers say that -when he was yeoman beadle that year, when the plague raged, being a boy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_642" id="Page_642">[Pg 642]</a></span> -at Eaton, all the boys of his school were obliged to smoke in the -school-room every morning, and that he never was whipped so much in his -life as he was one morning for not smoking.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img193.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">YOUNG SMOKERS.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Some boys, nowadays, would gladly undergo the “flogging” if they could be -permitted to enjoy a smoke afterwards.</p> - -<p>There are but few people inhabiting the eastern coast, and following -fishing for a vocation, who do not smoke or chew tobacco; and their wives -and children also smoke.</p> - -<p>Sailors are proverbially addicted to smoking and chewing. Their love of -tobacco far exceeds their appetite for grog.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>The following letter from a sailor below port to his brother in London -explains itself:—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Near Gravesend</span>, on board Belotropen.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">To dear Brother Bob.</span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dear Bob</span>: This comes hopin’ to find you well, as it leaves me safe -anchored here yester arternoon. Voyge short an’ few squalls. Hopes to -find old father stout, and am out of pigtail.</p> - -<p>Sight o’ pigtail at Gravesend but unfortinately unfit for a dog to -chor. I send this by Capt’n’s boy, and buy me pound best pigtail and -let it be good—best at 7 diles (Dials), sign of black boy, and am -short of shirts—only took two, whereof one is wored out and tother -most.</p> - -<p>Capt’n’s boy loves pigtail, so tie it up when bort an’ put in his -pocket. Aint so partick’ler about the shirts as present can be washed, -but be sure to go to 7 diles sign of Black<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_643" id="Page_643">[Pg 643]</a></span> boy and git the pigtail as -I haint had a cud to chor since thursday. Pound’ll do as I spect to be -up tomorrow or day arter. an’ remember the pigtail—so I am your -lovin’ brother</p> - -<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Tom ——.</span></p> - -<p>P. S. dont forget the pigtail.</p></div> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Pure Society.—How a young Man was “took in.”</span></p> - -<p>When a young man is about to be “taken into society,” the question -naturally arises, Is the young man, or the society, to be benefited by the -accession? As the young man seems anxious to make his <i>debut</i> there, we -presume <i>he</i> is to be benefited by the initiation into pure society.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 349px;"><img src="images/img194.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">EXAMINATION OF THE SMOKER.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Since nine tenths of the young men are tobacco-users, we will presume -safely enough that this young man is one of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_644" id="Page_644">[Pg 644]</a></span> them. He has used it from -five to seven years,—sufficient time to admit of its becoming part and -parcel of him.</p> - -<p>The young man—“John” is his name—is before the examining committee, who, -not being blind or obtuse from the use of the weed themselves, and knowing -no young man is fit to enter pure society who uses, or has used, tobacco, -without being purified, they submit him to the test, with the following -results:—</p> - -<p>“His clothes are impregnated with tobacco,” the examiner reports.</p> - -<p>“Let them be removed and purified,” is the command.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 278px;"><img src="images/img195.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">PURIFYING HIS BLOOD.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>They are soaked in alkalies, and soap, and water. They are washed, and -boiled, dried, aired, and pressed and pronounced clean, and fit for -society.</p> - -<p>The committee next examine John’s skin. “It is full of nicotine. It must -be cleansed.” So John is taken to the Turkish bath, the most likely place -to remove the filth permeating his every pore. Dr. Dio Diogenes puts him -through; he is “sweated,” and the great room is scented throughout<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_645" id="Page_645">[Pg 645]</a></span> by the -tobacco aroma arising from the ten thousand before clogged-up pores of his -skin. He is all but parboiled, then soaped and scrubbed, rubbed, and then -goes into the plunge bath. The fishes are instantly killed. The canary -bird in the next room is suffocated by the effluvia penetrating to his -cage. The young man is wiped again, dried, and cooled.</p> - -<p>Again the committee smell. John is not yet pure. The nicotine is “in his -blood,” says Dr. Chemistry. A faucet is introduced into John’s aorta, and -his blood drawn off into a bucket for the chemist to analyze and purify of -tobacco. Still the flesh is full of nicotine, and it must be removed and -purified. It is too late for John to object, and the fact cannot be denied -that the poison <i>is</i> in his muscle; so he is stripped of the integuments -to his framework.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 300px;"><img src="images/img196.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">CLEANSING HIS BONES.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The committee now examine the bony structure.</p> - -<p>In Germany they have recently dug up the bones of tobacco-users who have -been dead years, and found nicotine (tobacco principle) in them. May not -this man’s bones be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_646" id="Page_646">[Pg 646]</a></span> full of nicotine, which will come out through, if we -replace the integuments, blood, and garments?</p> - -<p>“The bones must be subjected to purification,” said the judge.</p> - -<p>They are soaked in alkalies, boiled in acids, and sufficient nicotine is -extracted to kill five men not hardened in the tobacco service.</p> - -<p>Thus, and only thus, could John have been purified from his vile habit and -its results, and fitted for decent male society, female society, and -Christian society. There is said to be one other place where John can -possibly have the nicotine of seven years’ deposit taken out of him. It is -a very warm place, and the principal chemical ingredient used is said to -be sulphuric, and kept up to a boiling point by means of infernal great -fires.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Delicious Morsels.</span></p> - -<p>Nicotine is the active principle of tobacco, expressed chemically thus: -C<sup>10</sup> H<sup>8</sup> N. One fourth of a drop will kill a rabbit, one drop will kill -a large dog. It is a virulent poison, the intoxicating principle of -<i>prepared</i> tobacco. It is not in the natural leaf. <i>It results from -fermentation.</i> Two little boys were overheard discussing tobacco merits -and demerits. One was in favor of tobacco, the other “anti.” “Why,” said -anti, “it’s so poisonous that a drop of the oil, put on a dog’s tail, will -kill a man in a minute.” It is the opium in the best Havanas which -enslaves the smokers more than the tobacco. Those cigars, also American -manufactured cigars, are dipped in a solution of opium. It is said that -twenty thousand dollars’ worth of opium is used annually in one cigar -manufactory in Havana.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_647" id="Page_647">[Pg 647]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Street Nuisance.</span></p> - -<p class="poem">“I knew, by the smoke that so lazily curled<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">From his lips, ’twas a loafer I happened to meet;</span><br /> -And I said, “If a nuisance there be in the world,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">’Tis the smoke of cigars on a frequented street.”</span><br /> -<br /> -“It was night, and the ladies were gliding around,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And in many an eye shone the glittering tear;</span><br /> -But the loafer puffed on, and I heard not a sound,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Save the sharp, barking cough of each smoke-stricken dear.”</span></p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img197.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE SMOKER.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Here is a “blow” from Horace Greeley. “I do not say that every chewer or -smoker is a blackguard; but show me a blackguard who is not a lover of -tobacco, and I will show you two white blackbirds.” Good enough for -Horace.</p> - -<p>Now, admitting that there are gentlemen who smoke and chew on the streets, -how are ladies, or the people, to know that they are such, since the -loafer, the blackguard, the thief, the pickpocket, the profaners of God’s -name (all), the blackleg, the murderers bear the same insignia of their -profession? At one time, every man incarcerated in the Connecticut state -prison was a tobacco-user; nearly all, also, at the Maine, Vermont, and -Massachusetts prisons.</p> - -<p>It is quite lamentable to see how liable tobacco-using is to convert a -thorough gentleman into a selfish, dirty blackguard, who will promenade -the streets, chatting with some boon companion, while the pair go -recklessly along, blowing their offensive smoke directly into ladies’ -faces, their ashes into their beautiful eyes, and spitting their filthy -saliva directly or indirectly over costly dresses, thinking only of self!</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_648" id="Page_648">[Pg 648]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Man who chews.</span></p> - -<p class="poem">Behold the picture of the man who chews!<br /> -A human squirt-gun on the world let loose.<br /> -A foe to neatness, see him in the streets,<br /> -His surcharged mouth endangering all he meets.<br /> -The dark saliva, drizzling from his chin,<br /> -Betrays the nature of the flood within.<br /> -Where, then, O where, shall Neatness hope to hide<br /> -From this o’erwhelming of the blackened tide?<br /> -Shall she seek shelter in the house of prayer?<br /> -A hundred squirting mouths await her there.<br /> -The same foul scene she’s witnessed oft before,—<br /> -A <i>solemn cud</i> is laid at every door!<br /> -The vile spittoon finds place in many a pew,<br /> -As if one part of worship were to <i>chew</i>!</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img198.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE CHEWER.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Another Street Nuisance.</span></p> - -<p>Speaking of President Grant and his cigar, a writer says,—</p> - -<p>“Not only do smoky editors take advantage of this weakness of our -president, but tobacconists, greedy of gain, are subjecting it to their -sordid purposes. Hitherto these gentlemen have insulted the public taste -by posting at their shop doors some savage, some filthy squaw, or some -unearthly image, to invite attention to their cigars and ‘negro head -tobacco.’ And all this seemed appropriate. But cupidity is audacious, and -they now insult American pride by installing at their doors a full,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_649" id="Page_649">[Pg 649]</a></span> -life-like, wooden bust of General Grant offering to passing travellers a -cigar. Emblems of majesty are not rare. We have Jupiter with his -thunderbolt, Hercules with his club, Ahasuerus with his sceptre, -Washington with his Declaration of Independence, Lincoln with his -Proclamation of Liberty to four millions, and now, in this year of our -Lord, we have President Grant and his cigar!</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img199.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">SIGN OF THE TIMES.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">It begets Laziness and national Ruin.</span></p> - -<p>Sir Benjamin Brodie, a distinguished physician of London, says, “A large -proportion of habitual smokers are rendered lazy and listless, indisposed -to bodily and incapable of much mental exertion. Others suffer from -depression of the spirits, amounting to hypochondriasis, which smoking -relieves for the time, though it aggravates the evil afterwards....</p> - -<p>“What will be the result, if this habit be continued by future -generations?”</p> - -<p>Tobacco is ruining our nation. Its tendency is to make the individual user -idle, listless, and imbecile. Individuals make up the nation. Those -nations using the most tobacco are the most rapidly deteriorating.</p> - -<p>Once the ships of Holland ploughed the waters with a broom at the -mast-head, emblematic of her power to sweep the ocean. Behold her now! -“Her people self-satisfied, content with their pipes, and the glories once -achieved by their grandfathers.” Look at the Mexicans, and the lazzaroni -of Italy. “Spain took the lead of civilized nations in the use of tobacco; -but since its introduction into that country, the noble Castilian has -become degenerated, his moral, intellectual, and physical energies -weakened, paralyzed, and debased. The Turks, descendants of the warlike -Saracens, are notoriously known as inveterate smokers. And to-day they are -characterized as an enervated, lazy, worthless, degenerate people.”</p> - -<p>Go about the shops, and bar-rooms, and billiard-halls of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_650" id="Page_650">[Pg 650]</a></span> our own -community, and see <i>our</i> lazzaroni. What class do they principally -represent—the active and virtuous, or the idle and vicious?</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 314px;"><img src="images/img200.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">MY LAZY SMOKING FRIEND.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>A young man greatly addicted to smoking, and who, to my knowledge, was -exceedingly lazy, was seated by the writer’s fireside, listless and idle, -save barely drawing slowly in and out the tobacco smoke of an old pipe, -when, after repeated requests of his sister that he should go out to the -shed and bring in some wood to replenish the dying embers, she got out of -patience with him, and exclaimed,—</p> - -<p>“There, Ed, you’re the laziest fellow I ever saw, sitting there and -smoking till the fire has nearly gone out, on a cold day like this.”</p> - -<p>“Ugh!” he grunted, and slowly added, “I once heard tell of a lazier boy -than I am, sister.”</p> - -<p>“How could that be possible? Do tell me,” she exclaimed, impatiently.</p> - -<p>“Well, you see,”—spitting on the floor,—“when he came to die, he -couldn’t do it. He was too lazy to draw his last breath, and they had to -get a corkscrew to draw it for him.”</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_651" id="Page_651">[Pg 651]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 322px;"><img src="images/img201.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“SHALL I ASSIST YOU TO ALIGHT?”</p> -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 318px;"><img src="images/img202.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">WORK FOR TONGUES AND FINGERS.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_652" id="Page_652">[Pg 652]</a></span> </p> - -<p class="poem"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_653" id="Page_653">[Pg 653]</a></span> -“You think it smart and cunning, John,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To use the nauseous weed;</span><br /> -To make your mouth so filthy then,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">It were a shame indeed.</span><br /> -To smoke and chew tobacco, John,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Till your teeth are coated brown,</span><br /> -Making a chimney of your nose,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And of yourself a clown,—</span><br /> -<br /> -“Yes, that would be so cunning, John,—<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The girls will love you so;</span><br /> -Your breath will smell so sweet,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">They’ll want you for a beau.</span><br /> -Because you use tobacco, John,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You think yourself a man;</span><br /> -But the girls will find it out, John,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Disguise it all you can.”</span></p> - -<p>“Shall I assist you to alight?” asked one of those nice young men who loaf -about country hotel doors, smoking a villanous cigar, of a buxom country -lass, on arrival of the stage.</p> - -<p>“Thank you, sir,” said the girl, with irony, and a jump, “but I never -smoke.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Black Eyes and Fingers.</span></p> - -<p>An American traveller visiting the greatest cigar manufactory in Seville, -Spain, says, amongst other things,—</p> - -<p>“Here were five thousand young girls, all in one room,—and Sevillians, -too,—in the factory. They are all old enough to be mischievous, and ‘put -on airs.’ I doubt if as many black eyes can be seen in any one place as in -this factory. Their fingers move rapidly, and their tongues a little -faster. The manufactories consume ten thousand pounds of tobacco per day.</p> - -<p>“I have often heard that a woman’s weapon is her tongue, and that the sex -were notorious for using it; but, like many other unkind statements -against Heaven’s best, last gift to man, I doubted it until I peeped into -the Fabrico de <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_654" id="Page_654">[Pg 654]</a></span>Tabacos of Seville. What must be the weight of mischief -manufactured each day along with the cigars, I don’t know, but I feel safe -in stating that it is at least equal with the tobacco. This factory was -erected in 1750, is six hundred and sixty feet long by five hundred and -twenty-five wide, and is surrounded by a mole. It is the principal factory -in the kingdom, as every one uses tobacco in some shape in Andalusia, not -excepting the ladies; but it is when they are on the shady side of forty -that they puff and cogitate. Snuff, cigars, and cigarettes are all -manufactured here. The best workers among the girls earn about forty cents -per day, the poorest about half that amount. Every night they are all -searched.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Disease and Insanity.</span></p> - -<p>Tobacco helps to fill our insane asylums. Dr. Butler, of Hartford, and -others, have assured me of the fact. “I am personally acquainted with -several individuals, now at lunatic asylums, whose minds first became -impaired by the use of tobacco.”</p> - -<p>“In France, the increase in cases of lunacy and paralysis keeps pace, -almost in exact ratio, with the increase of the revenue from tobacco. From -1812 to 1832, the tobacco tax yielded 28,000,000f., and there were 8000 -lunatic patients. Now the tobacco revenue is 180,000,000f., and there are -44,000 paralytic and lunatic patients in French asylums. Napoleon and -Eugenie, assisted by their subjects, smoked out five million pounds of -tobacco the year before they went on their travels. Take notice. As ye -sow, so also reap.”</p> - -<p>Sir Benjamin Brodie, before quoted, says, “Occasionally tobacco produces a -general nervous excitability, which in a degree partakes of the nature of -<i>delirium tremens</i>.”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_655" id="Page_655">[Pg 655]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Meerschaum. A Sonnet.</span></p> - -<p class="poem">“The gorgeous glories of autumnal dyes;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The golden glow that haloes rare old wine;</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The dying hectic of the day’s decline;</span><br /> -The rainbow radiance of auroral skies;<br /> -The blush of Beauty, smit with Love’s surprise;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The unimagined hues in gems that shine,—</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">All these, O Nicotina, <i>may</i> be thine!</span><br /> -But what of thy bewildered votaries?<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">How fares it with the more precious human clay?</span><br /> -Keeps the <i>lip</i> pure, while wood and ivory stains?<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Stays the <i>sight</i> clear, while smoke obscures the day?</span><br /> -Works the <i>brain</i> true, while poison fills the veins?<br /> -Shines the <i>soul</i> fair where Tophet-blackness reigns?<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Let shattered nerves declare! Let palsied manhood say!”</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 20em;"><span class="smcap">J. Ives Pease.</span></span></p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Uses and Abuses of Tobacco.</span></p> - -<p>In our opening remarks on tobacco, we stated some of the uses of tobacco, -such as killing bugs and lice on plants, vermin on cattle, etc. It -prevents cannibals from eating up our poor sailors; and, in the Mexican -war, it was ascertained that the turkey buzzards would not eat our dead -soldiers who were impregnated with tobacco!</p> - -<p>Dean Swift published a pamphlet, in his day, showing how the superfluity -of poor children could be made an article of diet for landlords who had -already consumed the parents’ substance. All may not admit that there <i>is</i> -a superfluity of children and youth in the larger towns and cities of our -country. A New York paper says that “five thousand young men might leave -New York city without being missed.” Now for our argument. “Like begets -like.” The lamb feeds upon pure hay or sweet grass. It is the emblem of -purity; it represented Christ. The lion and tiger have <i>only</i> tearing -teeth, and subsist upon animal food, and they are of a wild, ferocious -nature. Man stuffs himself with tobacco poison. It becomes a part of -him,—muscle, blood, bone! Like begets like, and behold the tobacco-user’s -children,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_656" id="Page_656">[Pg 656]</a></span> puny, yellow, pale, scrofulous, rickety, and consumptive. Many -years ago it was estimated that twenty thousand persons died annually in -the United States from the use of tobacco. Nine tenths begin with tobacco -catarrh, go on to consumption, and death.</p> - -<p>“The diseased, enfeebled, impaired, and rotten constitution of the parent -is transmitted to the child, which comes into the world an invalid, and -then, being exposed more directly to the poisonous effects of this -pernicious habit of the parent, its struggle for life is exceedingly -short, and in less than twelve months from its birth it sickens, droops, -and dies, and the milkman’s adulterated milk, especially in cities, is -often made the scape-goat for this uncleanly, if not sinful habit of the -parent.”</p> - -<p>If it is true that the wicked mostly make up the tobacco-consumers, you -perceive by this, that like the prisons and gallows, tobacco catches and -kills off the superfluous wicked population and their offspring. The sins -of the parents are visited upon their children, and what a host of puny, -wretched, and wicked little children tobacco helps to rid the world of. -Selah!</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Tobacco worse than Rum.</span></p> - -<p>Tobacco is worse than rum because, by its begetting a dryness of the -throat and fauces, it creates an appetite for strong drink. It is too -evident to need corroboration. 1. “Rum intoxicates.” So does tobacco. -“Intoxication” is from the Greek <i>en</i> (in) and <i>toxicon</i> (poison). -Therefore, when any perceptible poison is in the person, he is -intoxicated. 2. “Alcohol blunts the senses, and ruins many a fair -intellect.” So does tobacco. But since the ruined drunkard used tobacco, -how do you know it was not tobacco which ruined him? Come, tell me! 3. -“Rum makes a man miserable.” So does tobacco. The user is in Tophet the -day he is out of the weed. 4. “Whiskey makes<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_657" id="Page_657">[Pg 657]</a></span> paupers.” So does tobacco. I -knew a whole family who went to the Brooklyn, Me., pauper house one -winter, when, if the father and mother had not used tobacco, they could -have been in health and prosperity. 5. “Rum makes thieves.” So does -tobacco. Men have been known to steal tobacco when they would not have -stolen bread. 6. “It makes murderers.” Where is the murderer of the -nineteenth century who was not a tobacco-user, and an excessive user at -that, from George Dennison, who on the drop asked the sheriff for a chew -of tobacco, to Stokes, in his New York cell, surrounded by a cloud of -tobacco smoke, awaiting the decision of the jury to ascertain if it was -really he who shot the “Prince of Erie”?</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 325px;"><img src="images/img203.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">WHAT KILLED THE DOG?</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>You can’t always tell just what kills a man, or a dog, as the following -story proves:—</p> - -<p>“An old farmer was out one fine day looking over his broad acres, with an -axe on his shoulder, and a small dog at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_658" id="Page_658">[Pg 658]</a></span> his heels. They espied a -woodchuck. The dog gave chase, and drove him into a stone wall, where -action immediately commenced. The dog would draw the woodchuck partly out -from the wall, and the woodchuck would take the dog back. The old farmer’s -sympathy getting high on the side of the dog, he thought he must help him. -So, putting himself in position, with the axe above the dog, he waited the -extraction of the woodchuck, when he would cut him down. Soon an -opportunity offered, and the old man struck; but the woodchuck gathered up -at the same time, took the dog in far enough to receive the blow, and the -dog’s head was chopped off on the spot. Forty years after, the old man, in -relating the story, would always add, with a chuckle of satisfaction, ‘And -that dog don’t know, to this day, but what the woodchuck killed him!’”</p> - -<p>We regret our want of space to ventilate tobacco more thoroughly.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img204.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_659" id="Page_659">[Pg 659]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXVI" id="XXVI"></a>XXVI.</h2> -<p class="title">DRESS AND ADDRESS OF PHYSICIANS.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>The fish called the Flounder, perhaps you may know,<br /> -Has one side for use, and another for show;<br /> -One side for the public, a delicate brown,<br /> -And one that is white, which he always keeps down.<br /> -<strong><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span></strong><br /> -Then said an old Sculpin—“My freedom excuse,<br /> -But you’re playing the cobbler with holes in your shoes;<br /> -Your brown side is up,—but just wait till you’re <i>fried</i>,<br /> -And you’ll find that all flounders are white on one side.”<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 14em;"><span class="smcap">Dr. O. W. Holmes.</span> 1844.</span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>GOSSIP IS INTERESTING.—COMPARATIVE SIGNS OF GREATNESS.—THE GREAT -SURGEONS OF THE WORLD.—ADDRESS NECESSARY.—“THIS IS A BONE.”—DRESS -<i>not</i> NECESSARY.—COUNTRY DOCTORS’ DRESS.—HOW THE DEACON SWEARS.—A -GOOD MANY SHIRTS.—ONLY WASHED WHEN FOUND DRUNK.—LITTLE TOMMY -MISTAKEN FOR A GREEN CABBAGE BY THE COW.—AN INSULTED LADY.—DOCTORS’ -WIGS.—“AIN’T SHE LOVELY?”—HARVEY AND HIS HABITS.—THE DOCTOR AND THE -VALET.—A BIG WIG.—BEN FRANKLIN.—JENNER’S DRESS.—AN ANIMATED WIG; A -LAUGHABLE STORY.—A CHARACTER.—“DASH, DASH.”</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>“All personal gossip is interesting, and all of us like to know something -of the men whom we hear talked of day by day, and whose works have -delighted or instructed us; how they dressed, talked, or walked, and -amused themselves; what they loved to eat and drink, and how they looked -when their bows were unbent.”</p> - -<p>Most famous men have had some peculiarity of dress or address, or both. -Our first impression of Goliah—by what we heard of his size—was that he -was as high as a church steeple; and of Napoleon, that he was as short as -Tom<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_660" id="Page_660">[Pg 660]</a></span> Thumb. But when we read for ourselves, we found that Goliah was much -less in stature than Xerxes and some modern giants, and Napoleon was of -medium size.</p> - -<p>No man can become truly great in any capacity unless he has the innate -qualities of greatness within his composition. These qualities, if -possessed, will appear in his face,—for face, as well as acts, indicate -the character.</p> - -<p>There seem to be elements of character in all great men—almost the -identical basis of character in the one as in the other, the different -vocations explaining any minor differences that are to be found in them. -Thus we find precisely the same features in the character of Michael -Angelo and the Duke of Wellington—two men living three centuries apart, -in different countries—one a great artist, and the other a great warrior. -Compare Washington and Julius Cæsar; you will find them surprisingly alike -in many particulars. In them, as in every instance I have yet studied, the -distinguishing feature is an intense love of work—work of the kind that -fell to the lot of each to do. Another feature is indomitable courage; and -the last is a never-dying perseverance. Though I have carefully studied -the histories of many of the greatest men, in order, if I could, to -discover the source of their greatness, I have never yet come upon one -great life that has lacked these three features—love of work, unfailing -courage, and perseverance.</p> - -<p>“To be a good surgeon one should be a complete man. He should have a -strong intellect to give him judgment and enable him to understand the -case to be operated on in all its bearings. He needs strong perceptive -faculties especially, through which to render him practical, to enable him -not only to know and remember all parts, but to use instruments and tools -successfully; also large constructiveness, to give him a mechanical cast -of mind. More than this, he must have inventive power to discover and -apply the necessary mechanical means for the performance of the duties of -his profession.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_661" id="Page_661">[Pg 661]</a></span> He must have large Firmness, Destructiveness, and -Benevolence, to give stability, fortitude, and kindness. He must have -enough of Cautiousness to make him careful where he cuts, but not so much -as to make him timid, irresolute, and hesitating; Self-esteem, to give -assurance; Hope, to inspire in his patients confidence, and genial -good-nature, to make him liked at the bedside.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img205.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE GREAT SURGEONS OF THE WORLD.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“In the group of eminent men whose likenesses are herewith presented, we -find strongly marked physiognomies in each. There is nothing weak or -wanting about them. All seem full and complete. Take their features -separately—eyes, nose, mouth, chin, cheeks, lips—analyze closely as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_662" id="Page_662">[Pg 662]</a></span> you -can, and you will discover strength in every lineament and in every line. -In Harvey we have the large perceptives of the observer and discoverer. He -was pre-eminently practical in all things. In Abernethy there is naturally -more of the author and physician than of the surgeon, and you feel that he -would be more likely to give you advice than to apply the knife. In -Hunter, strong, practical common sense, with great Constructiveness, -predominates. See how broad the head between the ears. His expression -indicates ‘business.’ Sir Astley Cooper looks the scholar, the operator, -and the very dignified gentleman which he was. (He was the handsomest man -of his day.) Carnochan, the resolute, the prompt, the expert, is large in -intellect, high in the crown, and broad at the base; he has perhaps the -best natural endowment, and by education is the one best fitted for his -profession, among ten thousand. He is, in all respects, ‘the right man in -the right place.’</p> - -<p>“Dr. Mott, the Quaker surgeon, has a large and well-formed brain, and -strong body, with the vital-motive temperament, good mechanical skill, and -great self-control, resolution, courage, and sound common sense. Jenner, -the thoughtful, the kindly, the sympathetical, and scholarly, has less of -the qualities of a surgeon than any of the others.”</p> - -<p>For the above interesting facts we are indebted to the “Phrenological -Journal.”</p> - -<p>Professor Bigelow, of Harvard, has all the requisites in his “make up” of -a great surgeon. As a lecturer, Dr. Bigelow is easy and off-handed. He -comes into the room without any fuss or airs. He takes up a bone, a femur, -perhaps, and after looking at it and turning it round and upside down as -though he never saw it before, he finally says, “This is a bone—yes, a -bone.” You want to laugh outright at the quaintness of the whole prelude. -Then he goes on to tell all about “the bone.” We have not space for more -than a mere line sketch of even great men like the above, and but few of -those.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_663" id="Page_663">[Pg 663]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The old Country Doctor’s Dress.</span></p> - -<p>The country doctor of the past is interesting in both dress and address. -He is almost always, somehow, an elderly gentleman. He devotes little time -and attention to dress. We have one in our “mind’s eye” at this -moment,—the dear old soul! His head was as white as—Horace Greeley’s; -not so bald. His hair he combed by running his fingers though it mornings. -His eyes, ears, and mouth were ever open to the call of the needy. His -clothes looked as though they belonged to another man, or as if he had -lodged in a hotel and there had been a fire, and every man had put on the -first clothes he found. His coat belonged to a taller and bigger man, also -his pants, while the vest was a boy’s overcoat. His boots were not mates. -His lean old spouse looked neat and prim, but as though she had been used -for trying every new sample of pill which the doctor’s prolific brain -invented.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 313px;"><img src="images/img206.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A CALL ON THE VILLAGE DOCTOR.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I knew another, kind, benevolent old doctor, who started<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_664" id="Page_664">[Pg 664]</a></span> off immediately -on a call, without adding to or changing his dress. I once saw him seven -miles from home in his shirt sleeves in November, driving fiercely along -in his gig, as dignified as though dressed in his Sunday coat. If a friend -reminded him of his omission, he would smile benevolently, swear as -cordially, and drive on. He did not mean to be odd, he did not mean to -swear; and the minister, who had talked with him on the subject more than -once, had come to that charitable conclusion—for the doctor always made -due acknowledgment, and did not forget the contributions and salaries. The -doctor was like an innocent old backwoods deacon we have heard of, who, -chancing at a village tavern for the first time, heard some extraordinary -swearing; and being fascinated by this new accomplishment, he went home, -and looking about for an opportunity to put to practical use the new -vocabulary, he finally electrified his amiable wife by exclaiming,—</p> - -<p>“Lord-all-hell, wife; shut the doors by a dam’ sight!”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img207.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">PHYSICIANS COSTUME IN 1790.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>In regard to shirts, a reliable author tells us that Dr. H. Davy adopted -the following plan <i>to save time</i>. “He affected not to have time for the -ordinary decencies of the toilet. Cold ablutions neither his constitution -nor his philosophic temperament required; so he rarely ever washed -himself. But the most remarkable fact was on the plea of saving time. When -one shirt became too indecently dirty to be seen longer<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_665" id="Page_665">[Pg 665]</a></span> he used to put a -clean one on over it; also the same with stockings and drawers. By spring -he would look like the ‘metamorphosis man’ in the circus—big and rotund.</p> - -<p>“On rare occasions he would divest himself of his superfluous stock of -linen, which occasion was a feast to the washerwoman, but it was a source -of perplexity to his less intimate friends, who could not account for his -sudden transition from corpulency to tenuity.”</p> - -<p>The doctor’s stock of shirts must have equalled Stanford’s.</p> - -<p>A California paper tells us that “twenty years ago Leland Stanford arrived -in that state with only one shirt to his back. Since then, by close -attention to business, he has contrived to accumulate a trifle of ten -million.”</p> - -<p>What possible use can a man have for <i>ten million shirts</i>?</p> - -<p>The Earl of Surrey, afterwards eleventh Duke of Norfolk, who was a -notorious gormand and hard drinker, and a leading member of the Beefsteak -Club, was so far from cleanly in his person that his servants used to -avail themselves of his fits of drunkenness—which were pretty frequent, -by the way, for the purpose of washing him. On these occasions they -stripped him as they would a corpse, and performed the needful ablutions. -He was equally notorious for his horror of clean linen. One day, on his -complaining to his physician that he had become a perfect martyr to -rheumatism, and had tried every possible remedy without success, the -latter wittily replied, “Pray, my lord, did you ever try a clean shirt?”</p> - -<p>Dr. Davy’s remarkable oddity of dress did not end here. He took to -fishing: we have noticed his writing on angling elsewhere. He was often -seen on the river’s banks, in season and out of season, “in a costume that -must have been a source of no common amusement to the river nymphs. His -coat and breeches were of a bright green cloth. His hat was what Dr. Paris -describes as ‘having been intended for a coal-heaver, but as having been -dyed green, in its raw<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_666" id="Page_666">[Pg 666]</a></span> state, by some sort of pigment.’ In this attire -Davy flattered himself that he closely resembled vegetable life”—which -was not intended to scare away the fishes.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 285px;"><img src="images/img208.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">HOW POOR TOMMY WAS LOST.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>This reminds me of Mrs. Pettigrew’s little boy “Tommy.” Never heard of it? -“Well,” says Mrs. Pettigrew, “I never again will dress a child in green. -You see,”—very affectedly,—“I used to put a jacket and hood on little -Tommy all of beautiful green color, till one day he was playing out on the -grass, looking so green and innocent, when along came a cow, and eat poor -little Tommy all up, mistaking him for a cabbage.”</p> - -<p>Mrs. H. Davy was as curious in dress as the doctor. “One day”—it is told -for the truth—“the lady accompanied her husband to Paris, and walking in -the Tuileries, wearing the fashionable London bonnet of the -period,—shaped like a cockle-shell,—and the doctor dressed in his green, -they were mistaken for <i>masqueraders</i>, and a great crowd of astonished -Parisians began staring at the couple.</p> - -<p>“Their discomfiture had hardly commenced when the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_667" id="Page_667">[Pg 667]</a></span>garden inspector -informed the lady that nothing of the kind could be permitted on the -grounds, and requested a withdrawal.</p> - -<p>“The rabble increased, and it became necessary to order a guard of -infantry to remove ‘<i>la belle Anglaise</i>’ safely, surrounded by French -bayonets.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img209.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">BRIDGET’S METHOD OF MENDING STOCKINGS.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>A Portland paper tells how a servant girl there mended her stockings. -“When a hole appeared in the toe, Bridget tied a string around the -stocking below the aperture and cut off the projecting portion. This -operation was repeated as often as necessary, each time pulling the -stocking down a little, until at last it was nearly all cut away, when -Bridget sewed on new legs, and thus kept her stockings always in repair.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Doctors’ Wigs.</span></p> - -<p>For the space of about three centuries the physician’s wig was his most -prominent insignia of office. Who invented it,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_668" id="Page_668">[Pg 668]</a></span> or why it was invented, I -am unable to learn. The name <i>wig</i> is Anglo-Saxon. Hogarth, in his -“Undertaker’s Arms,” has given us some correct samples of doctors’ wigs. -Of the fifteen heads the only unwigged one is that of a woman—Mrs. Mapp, -the bone-setter. The one at her left is Taylor, the “quack oculist;” the -other at her right is Ward, who got rich on a pill. Mrs. Mapp is sketched -in our chapter on Female Doctors. Isn’t she lovely? And how Taylor and -Ward lean towards her!</p> - -<p class="poem"><span style="margin-left: 3em;">YE ANCIENT DOCTOR.</span><br /> -“Each son of Sol, to make him look more big,<br /> -Wore an enormous, grave, three-tailed wig;<br /> -His clothes full trimmed, with button-holes behind;<br /> -Stiff were the skirts, with buckram stoutly lined;<br /> -The cloth-cut velvet, or more reverend black,<br /> -Full made and powdered half way down his back;<br /> -Large muslin cuffs, which near the ground did reach,<br /> -With half a dozen buttons fixed to each.<br /> -Grave were their faces—fixed in solemn state;<br /> -These men struck awe; their children carried weight.<br /> -In reverend wigs old heads young shoulders bore;<br /> -And twenty-five or thirty seemed threescore.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Harvey’s Habits.</span></p> - -<p>I think Harvey should have been represented in a wig. They were worn by -doctors in his day, though John Aubrey makes no mention of Dr. Harvey’s -wearing one. He (Aubrey) says, “Harvey was not tall, but of a lowly -stature; round faced, olive complexion, little eyes, round, black, and -very full of spirit. His hair was black as a raven, but quite white twenty -years before he died. I remember he was wont to drink coffee with his -brother Eliab before coffee-houses were in fashion in London.</p> - -<p>“He, with all his brothers, was very choleric, and in younger days wore a -dagger, as the fashion then was; but this doctor would be apt to draw out -his dagger upon very slight occasions.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_669" id="Page_669">[Pg 669]</a></span></p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img210.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE UNDERTAKER’S ARMS.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_670" id="Page_670">[Pg 670]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_671" id="Page_671">[Pg 671]</a></span>“He rode <i>on horseback, with a foot-cloth, to visit his patients, his -footman following, which was then a very decent fashion, now quite -discontinued</i>.”</p> - -<p>It was not unusual to see a doctor cantering along at a high rate of -speed, and his footman running hard at his side, with whom the doctor was -keeping up a <i>lively</i> conversation.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img211.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">DISPUTE OF THE DOCTOR AND VALET.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Jeaffreson tells the following story of Dr. Brocklesby, also the -proprietor of an immense wig. The doctor was suddenly called by the -Duchess of Richmond to visit her maid. The doctor was met by the husband -of the fair patient, and valet to the duke.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_672" id="Page_672">[Pg 672]</a></span>In the hall the doctor and valet fell into a sharp discussion. On the -stairs the argument became hotter, for the valet was an intelligent -fellow. They became more excited as they neared the sick chamber, which -they entered, declaiming at the top of their voices.</p> - -<p>The patient was forgotten, though no doubt she lifted her fair head from -the pillow to see her undutiful lord disputing with her negligent doctor. -The valet poured in sarcasm and irony by the broadside. The doctor, with -true Johnny Bull pluck, replied volley for volley, and the battle lasted -for above an hour. The doctor went down stairs, the loquacious valet -courteously showing him out, when the two separated on the most amiable -terms.</p> - -<p>Judge of the doctor’s consternation, when, on reaching his own door, the -truth flashed across his mind that he had neglected to look at the -patient’s tongue, feel her pulse, or, more strange, look for his fee. The -valet was so ashamed, when he returned to the chamber, that his invalid -wife, instead of scolding him, as he deserved, fell into a laughing fit, -and forthwith recovered from her sickness.</p> - -<p>I have seen many a patient for whom I thought a right hearty laugh would -do more good than all the medicine in the shops.</p> - -<p>One William—known as “Bill”—Atkins, a gout doctor, used to strut about -the streets of London, about 1650, with a huge gold-headed cane in his -hand, and a “stunning” big three-tailed wig on his otherwise bare head. -Gout doctoring was profitable in Charles II.’s time.</p> - -<p>“Dr. Henry Reynolds, physician to George III., was the Beau Brummell of -the faculty, and was the last of the big-wigged and silk-coated doctors. -His dress was superb, consisting of a well-powdered wig, silk coat, velvet -breeches, white silk stockings, gold-buckled shoes, gold-headed cane, and -immaculate lace ruffles.”</p> - -<p>Benjamin Franklin had often met and conversed with Reynolds.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_673" id="Page_673">[Pg 673]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Franklin’s Court Dress.</span></p> - -<p>Nathaniel Hawthorne relates an anecdote of the origin of Franklin’s -adoption of the customary civil dress, when going to court as a -diplomatist. It was simply that his tailor had disappointed him of his -court suit, and he wore his plain one, with great reluctance, because he -had no other. Afterwards, gaining great success and praise by his mishap, -he continued to wear it from policy. The great American philosopher was as -big a humbug as the rest of us.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Dr. Jenner’s Dress.</span></p> - -<p>“When I first saw him,” says a writer of his day, “he was dressed in blue -coat, yellow buttons and waistcoat, buskins, well-polished boots, with -handsome silver spurs. His wig, after the fashion, was done up in a club, -and he wore a broad-brimmed hat.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">An Animated Queue.</span></p> - -<p>An old English gentleman told me an amusing story of a wig. A Dr. Wing, -who wore a big wig and a long queue, visited a great lady, who was -confined to her bed. The lady’s maid was present, having just brought in a -bowl of hot gruel. As the old doctor was about to make some remark to the -maid, as she held the bowl in her hands, he felt his queue, or tail to his -wig, moving, when he turned suddenly round towards the lady, and looking -with astonishment at his patient, he said,—</p> - -<p>“Madam, were you pulling my tail?”</p> - -<p>“Sir!” replied the lady, in equal astonishment and indignation.</p> - -<p>Just then the tail gave another flop.</p> - -<p>Whirling about like a top whipped by a school-boy, the doctor cried to the -maid,—</p> - -<p>“Zounds, woman, it was <i>you</i> who pulled my wig!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_674" id="Page_674">[Pg 674]</a></span>“Me, sir!” exclaimed the affrighted lady’s maid.</p> - -<p>“Yes, you, you hussy!”</p> - -<p>“But, I beg your pardon—”</p> - -<p>“Thunder and great guns, madam!” And the doctor whirled back on his -pivoted heels towards the more astonished lady, who now had risen from her -pillow by great effort, and sat in her night dress, gazing in profound -terror upon the supposed drunken or insane doctor. Again the wig swung to -and fro, like a clock pendulum. Again the old doctor, now all of a lather -of sweat, spun round, and accused the girl of playing a “scaly trick” upon -his dignified person.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 340px;"><img src="images/img212.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A WIG MOUSE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“Sir, do you see that I have both hands full?”</p> - -<p>Away went the tail again. The lady saw it moving as though bewitched, and -called loudly for help. The greatest consternation prevailed, the doctor -alternating his astounded<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_675" id="Page_675">[Pg 675]</a></span> gaze between the two females; when the queue -gave a powerful jerk, and out leaped a big mouse, which went plump into -the hot porridge. The maid gave a shrill scream, and dropped the hot -liquid upon the doctor’s silk hose, and fled.</p> - -<p>The poor, innocent mouse was dead; the doctor was scalded; the lady was in -convulsions—of laughter; when the room was suddenly filled by alarmed -domestics, from scullion to valet, and all the ladies and gentlemen of the -household.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 337px;"><img src="images/img213.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE MYSTERY EXPLAINED.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“What’s the matter?” sternly inquired the master of the house, approaching -the bed.</p> - -<p>“O, dear, dear!” cried the convalescent, “a mouse was in the doctor’s wig, -and—”</p> - -<p>“A mouse!” exclaimed the doctor, jerking the offensive wig from his bald -pate. “A d—d mouse! I beg a thousand pardons, madam,” turning to the -lady, holding the wig<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_676" id="Page_676">[Pg 676]</a></span> by the tail, and giving it a violent shake. He had -not seen the mouse jump, and till this moment thought that the lady and -maid had conspired to insult him.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A “Character.”</span></p> - -<p>Old Dr. Standish was represented by our authority as “a huge, burly, -surly, churlish old fellow, who died at an extremely advanced age in the -year 1825.</p> - -<p>“He was as unsociable, hoggish an old curmudgeon as ever rode a stout -hack. Without a companion, save, occasionally, ‘poor Tom, a Thetford -breeches maker,’ ‘he sat every night, for fifty years, in the chief parlor -of the Holmnook, in drinking brandy and water, and smoking a “church -warden.”’ Occasionally his wife, ‘a quiet, inoffensive little body,’ would -object to the doctor’s ways, and, forgetting that she was a woman, offer -an opinion of her own.</p> - -<p>“On such occasions, Dr. Standish thrashed her soundly with a dog-whip.”</p> - -<p>In consequence of too oft repetition of this unpleasantness, she ran away.</p> - -<p>“Standish’s mode of riding was characteristic of the man. Straight on he -went, at a lumbering, six-miles-an-hour gait, <i>dash, dash, dash</i>, through -the muddy roads, sitting loosely in his saddle, heavy and shapeless as a -bag of potatoes, looking down at his slouchy brown corduroy breeches and -clay-colored boots, the toes of which pointed in opposite directions, with -a perpetual scowl on his brow, never vouchsafing a word to a living -creature.</p> - -<p>“‘Good morning to you, doctor; ’tis a nice day,’ a friendly voice would -exclaim.</p> - -<p>“‘Ugh!’ Standish would grunt, while on, <i>dash, dash, dash!</i> he rode.</p> - -<p>“He never turned out for a wayfarer.</p> - -<p>“A frolicsome curate, who had met old Standish, and received nothing but a -grunt in reply to his urbane greeting, arranged the following plan to make -the doctor speak.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_677" id="Page_677">[Pg 677]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 400px;"><img src="images/img214.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">MEETING OF THE DOCTOR AND THE CURATE.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_678" id="Page_678">[Pg 678]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_679" id="Page_679">[Pg 679]</a></span>“When riding out one day, he observed Standish coming on with his usual -‘<i>dash, dash, dash</i>,’ and stoical look. The clerical gentleman put spurs -to his beast, and charged the man of pills and pukes at full tilt. Within -three feet of Standish’s horse’s nose, the young curate reined suddenly -up. The doctor’s horse, as anticipated, came to a dead halt, when the -burly body of old Standish rolled into the muddy highway, going clean over -the horse’s head.</p> - -<p>“‘Ugh!’ grunted the doctor.</p> - -<p>“‘Good morning,’ said the curate, good-humoredly.</p> - -<p>“The doctor picked himself out of the mire, and, with a volley of -expletives ‘too numerous to mention,’ clambered on to his beast, and -trotted on, <i>dash, dash, dash!</i> as though nothing had happened.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img215.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">DR. CANDEE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The dress of the modern physician is a plain black suit, throughout, with -immaculate linen, and possibly a white cravat.</p> - -<p>Occasionally one will “crop out” in some oddity of dress, but usually as a -medium for advertising his business. With the better portion of the -community, such monstrosities do not pass as indications of intelligence -in the exhibitor.</p> - -<p>This engraving represents Dr. Candee, a western magnetic doctor. He was -formerly from the “nutmeg state,” and is a fair specimen of the travelling -doctors who secure custom from their oddities and eccentricities of dress.</p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_680" id="Page_680">[Pg 680]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXVII" id="XXVII"></a>XXVII.</h2> -<p class="title">MEDICAL FACTS AND STATISTICS.</p> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>HOW MANY.—WHO THEY ARE.—HOW THEY DIE.—HOW MUCH RUM THEY -CONSUME.—HOW THEY LIVE.—OLD AGE.—WHY WE DIE.—GET MARRIED.—OLD -PEOPLE’S WEDDING.—A GOOD ONE.—THE ORIGIN OF THE HONEYMOON.—A SWEET -OBLIVION.—HOLD YOUR TONGUE!—MANY MEN, MANY -MINDS.—“ALLOPATHY.”—LOTS OF DOCTORS.—THE ITCH MITE.—A HORSE CAR -RIDE.—KEEP COOL!—KNICKKNACKS.—HUMBLE PIE.—INCREASE OF INSANITY.—A -COOL STUDENT.—HOW TO GET RID OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW.</small></p></div> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Population.</span></p> - -<p>There are on the earth about one billion of inhabitants.</p> - -<p>They speak four thousand and sixty-four languages.</p> - -<p>Only one person in a thousand reaches his allotted years,—threescore and -ten.</p> - -<p>Between the ages of sixteen and forty-five, there are more females than -males.</p> - -<p>Lawyers live the longest, doctors next, ministers least of the three -professions.</p> - -<p>There are more insane among farmers than of any other laborers.</p> - -<p>Caucasians live longer than Malays, Hindoos, Chinese, or Negroes.</p> - -<p>Light-skinned, dark-haired persons with dark or blue eyes live the -longest.</p> - -<p>Red or florid complexioned, gray or hazel eyes, shortest.</p> - -<p>One half of the people die before the age of seventeen; one fourth before -seven.</p> - -<p>About 91,824 die each day; one every second.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_681" id="Page_681">[Pg 681]</a></span>The married live longer than the single.</p> - -<p>Tall men live longer than short ones. (No pun.)</p> - -<p>Short women live longer than tall ones.</p> - -<p>Three quarters of the adults are married.</p> - -<p>Births and deaths are more frequent by night than day.</p> - -<p>The cost of the clergy of the United States is six million dollars yearly.</p> - -<p>Lawyers receive about thirty-five million dollars.</p> - -<p>Crime costs the United States about nineteen million dollars.</p> - -<p>Tobacco one hundred and fifty million dollars. (That’s crime, also.)</p> - -<p>Liquors one billion four hundred and eighty-three million four hundred and -ninety-one thousand eight hundred and sixty-five dollars. (Text-book of -Temperance, p. 188.)</p> - -<p>Opium is eaten in the world by one hundred and twenty million people.</p> - -<p>Hasheesh is used by some twenty millions.</p> - -<p>The temperate live longer than the intemperate.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Self-destruction.</span></p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img216.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A GERMAN BEER GIRL.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The Hon. Francis Gillette, in a speech in Hartford, Conn., in 1871, said -that there was “in Connecticut, on an average, one liquor shop to every -forty voters, and three to every Christian church. In this city, as stated -in the <i>Hartford Times</i>, recently, we have five hundred liquor shops, and -one million eight hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars were, last -year, paid for <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_682" id="Page_682">[Pg 682]</a></span>intoxicating drinks. A cry, an appeal, came to me from the -city, a few days since, after this wise: ‘Our young men are going to -destruction, and we want your influence, counsel, and prayers, to help -save them.’”</p> - -<p>In New London, report says, the young men are falling into drinking habits -as never before. So in New Haven, Bridgeport, and the other cities and -large places of the state.</p> - -<p>“The pulse of a person in health beats about seventy strokes a minute, and -the ordinary term of life is about seventy years. In these seventy years, -the pulse of a temperate person beats two billion five hundred and -seventy-four million four hundred and forty thousand times. If no actual -disorganization should happen, a drunken person might live until his pulse -beat this number of times; but by the constant stimulus of ardent spirits, -or by pulse-quickening food, or tobacco, the pulse becomes greatly -accelerated, and the two billion five hundred and seventy-four million -four hundred and forty thousand pulsations are performed in little more -than half the ordinary term of human life, and life goes out in forty or -forty-five years, instead of seventy. This application of numbers is given -to show that the acceleration of those forces diminishes the term of human -life.”</p> - -<p>“In New York, Mr. Greeley states that ‘a much larger proportion of adult -males in the state drink now than did in 1840-44.’ After speaking of the -adverse demonstrations all over the country, he adds, ‘I cannot recall a -single decisive, cheering success, to offset these many reverses.’</p> - -<p>“Massachusetts is moving to build an asylum for her twenty-five thousand -drunkards. Lager beer brewers at Boston Highlands have three millions of -dollars invested in the business, manufactured four hundred and -ninety-five thousand barrels last year, and paid a tax of half a million -to the general government. The city of Chicago, last year, received into -her treasury one hundred and ten thousand dollars for the sale of -indulgences to sell intoxicating drinks.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_683" id="Page_683">[Pg 683]</a></span>“The same rate of fearful expenditure for intoxicating drinks extends -across the ocean. In a speech before the Trades’ Union Congress, last -October, at Birmingham, ‘on the disorganization of labor,’ Mr. Potter -shows drunkenness to be the great disorganizer of the labor of Great -Britain, at a yearly cost of two hundred and twenty-eight million pounds, -equal to one billion one hundred and forty million dollars; enough,” he -adds, “to pay the public debt of Great Britain in less than five years, -and greatly diminish taxation forever.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">How they live.</span></p> - -<p>In one block near the New Bowery, New York, are huddled fifteen hundred -and twenty persons. Eight hundred and twelve are Irish, two hundred and -eighteen Germans, one hundred and eighty-nine Poles, one hundred and -eighty-six Italians, thirty-nine Negroes, sixty-four French, two Welsh, -only ten American. Of these, ten hundred and sixty-two are Catholic, two -hundred and eighty-seven Jews, etc. There are twenty grog-shops and fifty -degraded women. Of six hundred and thirteen children, but one hundred and -sixty-six went to school.</p> - -<p>New York city consumes nine thousand six hundred dollars’ worth of flour a -day (twelve hundred barrels), and uses ten thousand dollars’ worth of -tobacco per day.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Old Age.</span></p> - -<p>We have mentioned some physicians who lived to an extreme old age—the -Doctors Meade; one lived to be one hundred and forty-eight years and nine -months. Thomas Parr, an English yeoman, lived to the remarkable age of -<i>one hundred and fifty-three years</i>; and even then Dr. Harvey, who held a -<i>post mortem</i> on the body, found no internal indication of decay. One of -his descendants lived to be one hundred and twenty. The Rev. Henry Reade, -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_684" id="Page_684">[Pg 684]</a></span>Northampton, England, reached the age of one hundred and thirty-two.</p> - -<p>There was a female in Lancashire, whose death was noticed in the Times, -called the “Cricket of the Hedge,” who lived to be one hundred and -forty-one years, less a few days. The Countess Desmond arrived at the -remarkable age of one hundred and forty years.</p> - -<p>One might suppose the allotted threescore and ten years a sufficiently -long time to satisfy one to live in poverty in this world; but Henry -Jenkins lived and died at the age of <i>one hundred and sixty-nine years</i>, -in abject penury. He was a native of Yorkshire, and died in 1670.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Why we die.</span></p> - -<p>But few of the human race die of old age. Besides the thousand and one -diseases flesh is heir to, and the disease which Mrs. O’Flannagan said her -husband died of, viz., “Of a Saturday ’tis that poor Mike died,” very many -die of disappointment. More <i>fret</i> out. Mr. Beecher said, “It is the -fretting that wears out the machinery; friction, not the real wear.”</p> - -<p>“Choked with passion” is no chimera; for passion often kills the -unfortunate possessor of an irritable temper, sometimes suddenly. Care and -over-anxiety sweep away thousands annually.</p> - -<p>Let us see how long a man should live. The horse lives twenty-five years; -the ox fifteen or twenty; the lion about twenty; the dog ten or twelve; -the rabbit eight; the guinea-pig six or seven years. These numbers all -bear a similar proportion to the time the animal takes to grow to its full -size. But man, of all animals, is the one that seldom comes up to his -average. He ought to live a hundred years, according to this physiological -law, for five times twenty are one hundred; but instead of that, he -scarcely reaches, on the average, four times his growing period; the cat -six<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_685" id="Page_685">[Pg 685]</a></span> times; and the rabbit even eight times the standard of measurement. -The reason is obvious. Man is not only the most irregular and the most -intemperate, but the most laborious and hard-worked of all animals. He is -also the most irritable of all animals; and there is reason to believe, -though we cannot tell what an animal secretly feels, that, more than any -other animal, man cherishes wrath to keep it warm, and consumes himself -with the fire of his secret reflections.</p> - -<p>“Age dims the lustre of the eye, and pales the roses on beauty’s cheek; -while crows’ feet, and furrows, and wrinkles, and lost teeth, and gray -hairs, and bald head, and tottering limbs, and limping, most sadly mar the -human form divine. But dim as the eye is, pallid and sunken as may be the -face of beauty, and frail and feeble that once strong, erect, and manly -body, the immortal soul, just fledging its wings for its home in heaven, -may look out through those faded windows as beautiful as the dewdrop of -summer’s morning, as melting as the tears that glisten in affection’s eye, -by growing kindly, by cultivating sympathy with all human kind, by -cherishing forbearance towards the follies and foibles of our race, and -feeding, day by day, on that love to God and man which lifts us from the -brute, and makes us akin to angels.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Get Married.</span></p> - -<p>There’s nothing like it. Get married early. The majority of men save -nothing, amount to nothing, until they are married. Don’t get married <i>too -much</i>. There was a man up in court recently for being too much married. A -well-matched, temperate couple grow old, to be sure, but they “grow old -gracefully.” When people venture the second and third time in the -“marriage lottery,” it is fair to presume the first experience was a happy -one. Here is a case:—</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_686" id="Page_686">[Pg 686]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">An Old People’s Wedding.</span></p> - -<p>“Married, in Gerry, Chautauqua County, New York, November 6, 1864, by -Elder Jonathan Wilson, aged eighty-eight, Silvanus Fisher, a widower, aged -eighty-two, to Priscilla Cowder, a widow, aged seventy-six, all of Gerry.”</p> - -<p>What were their habits? Did they drink, smoke, or chew? Did they dissipate -in any way? Who will tell us how these aged people managed to keep up -their youthful spirits so long?. We should like to publish the recipe for -“the benefit of whom it concerns.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A good One.</span></p> - -<p>A Maryland paper tells the story of a marriage under difficulties, where -first the bridegroom failed to appear at the appointed time through -bashfulness, and was discovered, pursued, and only “brought to” with a -shot gun. The bride<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_687" id="Page_687">[Pg 687]</a></span> then became indignant, and refused to marry so -faint-hearted a swain. And finally, the clergyman, who is something of a -wag, settled the matter by threatening to have them both arrested for -breach of promise unless the ceremony was immediately performed—which it -was.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img217.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">AN INDIGNANT BRIDE.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Honeymoon.</span></p> - -<p>The origin of the honeymoon is not generally known.</p> - -<p>The Saxons long and long ago got up the delightful occasion. Amongst the -ancient Saxons and Teutons a beverage was made of honey and water, and -sometimes flavored with mulberries. This drink was used especially at -weddings and the after festivals. These festivals were kept up among the -nobility sometimes for a month—“monath.” The “hunig monath” was thus -established, and the next moon after the marriage was called the -honeymoon.</p> - -<p>Alaric, about the fifth century king of the Saxons and Western Goths, is -said to have actually died on his wedding night from drinking too freely -of the honeyed beverage,—at least he died before morning,—and it -certainly would seem to be a charitable inference to draw, since he -partook very deeply of the “festive drink.” It was certainly a sweet -oblivion, “yet it should be a warning to posterity, as showing that even -bridegrooms may make too merry.”</p> - -<p>Dr. Blanchet recently read a paper before the Academy of Science, Paris, -relative to some cases of “long sleep,” or lethargic slumber. One of them -related to a lady twenty years of age, who took a sleeping fit during her -<i>honeymoon</i>, which lasted fifty days.</p> - -<p>“During this long period a false front tooth had to be taken out in order -to introduce milk and broth into her mouth. This was her only food; she -remained motionless, insensible, and all her muscles were in a state of -contraction. Her pulse was low, her breathing scarcely perceptible; there -was no evacuation, no leanness; her complexion was florid<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_688" id="Page_688">[Pg 688]</a></span> and healthy. -The other cases were exactly similar. Dr. Blanchet is of opinion that in -such cases no stimulants or forced motion ought to be employed.</p> - -<p>“The report did not say whether the husband was pleased or not with her -long silence.”</p> - -<p>There is too much talk in the world about woman’s “<i>jaw</i>.” As for me, give -me the woman who can <i>talk</i>; the faster and more sense the better.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Many Men, Many Minds.</span>”</p> - -<p>There are in the United States about thirty-five thousand physicians. Of -this number about five thousand are Homeopathists, and nearly thirty -thousand are what is wrongly termed Allopathists.</p> - -<p>Allopathic—Allopathy.—The dictionaries say this term means “the -employment of medicines in order to produce effects different from those -resulting from the disease—a term invented by Hahnemann to designate the -ordinary practice as opposed to Homeopathy.” The term is not acknowledged -by physicians, only as a nick, or false one, given by the Hahnemannites to -regular practitioners. “Never allow yourself,” says Professor Wood, author -of the American or U. S. Dispensatory, “to be called an Allopath. It is an -opprobrious name, given by the enemies of regular physicians.” It is, -moreover, very inappropriate, for we give other remedies besides those of -counter-irritation; as, for instance, an emetic for nausea.</p> - -<p>The first regular physicians of Boston were Dr. John Walon, Dr. John -Cutler, and Dr. Zabdal Boylston. Some of the earlier doctors had acted in -the double capacity of minister and physician, as previously mentioned.</p> - -<p>Massachusetts has now twelve hundred “regular” doctors, three hundred, or -more, homeopathists, and some hundred botanics, etc. Boston has three -hundred and twenty “allopathics,” about fifty homeopathists, a dozen -“eclectics,” one<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_689" id="Page_689">[Pg 689]</a></span> hundred and twenty of miscellaneous, and eighty-four -female doctors.</p> - -<p>Surely some of them must needs “scratch for a living;” yet there is always -room for a first-class practitioner anywhere.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Itch Mite.</span></p> - -<p>As we are speaking of “scratching” we will mention the itch mite, which we -propose to give particular—sulphur—in this chapter.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img218.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE ITCH MITE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The animal which makes one love to scratch is from one sixteenth to one -seventeenth of an inch in length, and may be seen with the naked eye if -the eye is sharp enough to “see it.”</p> - -<p>The luxury of scratching is said to greatly compensate for the filthy -disease known as the “itch.”</p> - -<p>Dr. Ellitson says “a Scotch king—viz., James I.—is alleged to have said -that no subject deserved to have the itch—none but Royalty—on account of -the great pleasure derived from scratching.” The king was said to have -spoken from experience.</p> - -<p>In these days of filthy horse-cars (we are speaking of New York), this -fact may be interesting to passengers.</p> - -<p class="poem"><span style="margin-left: 2em;">A HORSE-CAR RIDE.</span><br /> -Never full; pack ’em in;<br /> -Move up, fat men, squeeze in, thin;<br /> -Trunks, valises, boxes, bundles,<br /> -Fill up gaps as on she tumbles.<br /> -Market baskets without number;<br /> -Owners easy nod in slumber;<br /> -Thirty seated, forty standing,<br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_690" id="Page_690">[Pg 690]</a></span>A dozen more on either landing.<br /> -Old man lifts his signal finger,<br /> -Car slacks up, but not a linger;<br /> -He’s jerked aboard by sleeve or shoulder,<br /> -Shoved inside to sweat and moulder.<br /> -Toes are trod on, hats are smashed,<br /> -Dresses soiled, hoop skirts crashed,<br /> -Thieves are busy, bent on plunder;<br /> -Still we rattle on like thunder.<br /> -Packed together, unwashed bodies<br /> -Bathed in fumes of whiskey toddies;<br /> -Tobacco, garlic, cheese, and lager beer<br /> -Perfume the heated atmosphere;<br /> -Old boots, pipes, leather, and tan,<br /> -And, if in luck, a “soap-fat man;”<br /> -Ar’n’t we jolly? What a blessing!<br /> -A horse-car hash, with such a dressing!</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">How to keep Cool.</span></p> - -<p>1. <i>Don’t fan yourself.</i> Those persons who are continually using a fan are -ever telling you “how awful hot it is.” Look at their faces! Red hot! -Human nature is a contrary jade. The more you blow with a fan that warm -air on your face, the more blood it calls to that part, and the more blood -the more heat. So don’t fan.</p> - -<p>2. <i>Don’t drink ice-water.</i> Cold, iced water is excellent for a fever, -perhaps (<i>similia similibus curantur</i>); but if you drink it down when you -are merely warm from outward heat, you get up an internal fever, which is -increased in proportion as you take that unnatural beverage into the -stomach. I drink tea, chocolate, coffee. Some persons cannot drink the -latter. <i>Then don’t</i>; but take black tea; not too strong, nor scalding -hot. If very thirsty after, take small quantities of cold (not iced) -water. Don’t take ice-cream. It increases heat and thirst. Soda-water is -less objectionable. Sprinkling the carpet with water several times a day -keeps the room cooler. If there are small children or invalids, this may -be objectionable.</p> - -<p>3. <i>With the hand</i> apply cool or tepid water to the entire<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_691" id="Page_691">[Pg 691]</a></span> person every -six to twenty-four hours. The electricity from the hand <i>equalizes</i> the -circulation. Rub dry with a soft towel. A coarse scrubbing-cloth (even a -hemlock board) does nicely for a hog, but do not apply such to human -beings. It is quite unnatural.</p> - -<p>4. Do not sleep in any garment at night worn during the day. Have your -windows open as wide as you will, and bars to keep out flies and -mosquitos. Keep a sheet over the limbs, to exclude the hot air from the -surface.</p> - -<p>5. Eat fruits, and but little meats. You will find, as a general rule, all -ripe fruit healthy in its season. I have lived in the South several years, -and know whereof I affirm.</p> - -<p>6. And above all—<i>keep cool</i>!</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Knickknacks.</span></p> - -<p><i>More Truth than Poetry.</i>—The following conversation between a colored -prisoner and a temperance lecturer who was in search of facts to fortify -his positions and illustrate his subject, explains itself:—</p> - -<p>“What brought you to prison, my colored friend?”</p> - -<p>“Two constables, sah.”</p> - -<p>“Yes; but I mean, had intemperance anything to do with it?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, sah; dey wuz bofe uv ’em drunk, sah.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>Humble Pie.</i>—The humble pie of former times was a pie made out of the -“umbles” or entrails of the deer; a dish of the second table, inferior, of -course, to the venison pastry which smoked upon the dais, and therefore -not inexpressive of that humiliation which the term “eating humble pie” -now painfully describes. The “umbles” of the deer are usually the -perquisites of the gamekeeper.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>Increase of Insanity.</i>—Insanity in England is rapidly increasing. In -1861, when the population was 19,860,701,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_692" id="Page_692">[Pg 692]</a></span> there were 36,702 lunatics, -being nineteen in every ten thousand persons. In 1871, with a population -of 22,704,108, there were 56,735 lunatics, or twenty-five out of every ten -thousand persons. Of these lunatics 6,110 were private patients.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>Error of Diagnosis.</i>—“Doctor,” said a hard-looking, brandy-faced -customer a few days ago to a physician! “Doctor, I’m troubled with an -oppression and uneasiness about the breast. What do you suppose the matter -is?”</p> - -<p>“All very easily accounted for,” said the physician; “you have water on -the chest.”</p> - -<p>“Water! Come, that’ll do very well for a joke; but how could I get water -on my chest when I haven’t touched a drop in twenty years? If you had said -brandy, you might have hit it.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>Ferocity of a Wasp.</i>—A lady at Grantham observed a wasp tearing a common -fly to pieces on the breakfast table. When first noticed the wasp grasped -the fly firmly, and had cut off a leg and a wing, so that its rescue would -have been no kindness. The wasp was covered with a basin until it should -receive a murderer’s doom; and when the basin was removed for its -execution, nothing was seen of the fly but the wings and a number of -little black pieces.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>Madame Regina Dal Cin, a famous surgeon of Austria, having performed one -hundred and fifty successful operations in the city hospital at Trieste, -was rewarded by the municipal authorities with a letter of thanks and a -purse of gold.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>A Cool Student.</i>—In the Quartier Latin, Paris, a student was lying in -bed, to which he had gone supperless, trying to devise some means to raise -the wind; suddenly, in the dead of night, his reveries were disturbed by a -“click.” Stealthily<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_693" id="Page_693">[Pg 693]</a></span> raising himself in bed, he saw a burglar endeavoring -to open his desk with skeleton keys. The student burst into fits of -laughter; the frightened thief, astounded, inquired the cause of his glee. -“Why, I am laughing to see you take so much trouble to force open my desk -and pick the lock to find the money which I cannot find though I have the -key.” The thief picked up his implements, politely expressed his regret -for having uselessly disturbed him, and transferred his talents and -implements to some more Californian quarter.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 361px;"><img src="images/img219.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE BURGLAR AND STUDENT.</p> -<p> </p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>How to get rid of a Mother-in-Law.</i>—During the recent small-pox -excitement in Indianapolis, an excited individual rushed into a telegraph -office, hurriedly wrote a despatch, and handed the same to the able and -talented clerk. The message bore the startling intelligence that the -sender’s wife was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_694" id="Page_694">[Pg 694]</a></span> down with the small-pox, and closed with the request -that his mother-in-law come “immediately.” While making change, the -telegraph man said, “My friend, are you not afraid your mother-in-law will -take the small-pox?” Without vouchsafing an immediate reply to the query, -the dutiful son-in-law remarked, “Sir, are you a married man?” “No, sir, I -am not.” “Then, sir, take my word for it, it’s all right. Just bring the -old woman along.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>A Dying Request.</i>—A kind physician living near Boston, wishing to smooth -the last hours of a poor woman whom he was attending, asked her if there -was anything he could do for her before she died. The poor soul, looking -up, replied, “Doctor, I have always thought I should like to have a glass -butter-dish before I died.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img220.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_695" id="Page_695">[Pg 695]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXVIII" id="XXVIII"></a>XXVIII.</h2> -<p class="title">BLEEDERS AND BUTCHERS.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>“Three special months, September, April, May,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">There are in which ’tis good to ope a vein:</span><br /> -In these three months the moon bears greatest sway;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Then old or young that store of blood contain.</span><br /> -September, April, May, have daies apiece<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That bleeding do forbid, <i>and eating geese</i>.”</span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>BLEEDING IN 1872.—EARLIEST BLOOD-LETTERS.—A ROYAL SURGEON.—A -DRAWING JOKE.—THE PRETTY COQUETTE.—TINKERS AS BLEEDERS.—WHOLESALE -BUTCHERY.—THE BARBERS OF SOUTH AMERICA.—OUR FOREFATHERS BLEED.—A -FRENCH BUTCHER.—CUR?—ABERNETHY OPPOSES BLOOD-LETTING.—THE -MISFORTUNES OF A BARBER-SURGEON (THREE SCENES FROM DOUGLAS JERROLD) -JOB PIPPINS AND THE WAGONER; JOB AND THE HIGHWAYMEN; JOB NAKED AND JOB DRESSED.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>When, in the year of our Lord 1872, a full half dozen educated physicians -meet around the dying bed of a <i>Rich</i> man in this city to quarrel over -him, and in the absence of one branch of the faction, the other assume -charge of the patient, whom they <i>bleed</i> and leave <i>in articulo mortis</i>, -it is not too late to take up the subject of venesection.</p> - -<p>Podalirius is supposed to have been the first man who employed -blood-letting, since whose time the lancet is said to have slain more than -the sword; and, notwithstanding the many lives that have been sacrificed -to this bloody absurdity, it is still practised by those who claim to have -all science and wisdom for its sanction.</p> - -<p>It is useless to bring one learned man’s opinion against it, because -another’s can be found equally wise to offset him:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_696" id="Page_696">[Pg 696]</a></span> the great public has -condemned the practice. It early fell into disrepute with the more -refined, notwithstanding some kings took to bleeding as naturally as -butchers.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Royal Surgeon.</span></p> - -<p>A gentleman who was about retiring, after having dined with a friend at -St. James’s, fell down a flight of stairs, which fall completely stunned -him. On his recovery he found himself sitting on the floor, while a little -old gentleman was busily attending to his wants, washing the blood from -his head, and sticking a piece of plaster on to some variegated cuts for -which he could not account. His surprise kept him silent till the kind and -very convenient surgeon was through with the operation, when the patient -arose from the floor, limped forward with extended hand, to offer his -profound thanks, if not fees, to his benefactor, when an attendant<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_697" id="Page_697">[Pg 697]</a></span> -instantly checked him with such intimation as to further astonish the -gentleman by the knowledge that for his kind assistance he was indebted to -George II., King of England.—<i>Percy’s Anecdotes.</i></p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 336px;"><img src="images/img221.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">ASSISTANCE FROM A ROYAL SURGEON.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Drawing Joke.</span></p> - -<p>Several kings and great lords are made mention of as being particularly -fond of using the lancet. Peter the Great of Russia was remarkably fond of -witnessing dissections and surgical operations. He even used to carry a -case of instruments in his pocket. He often visited the hospitals to -witness capital operations, at times assisting in person, and was able<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_698" id="Page_698">[Pg 698]</a></span> to -dissect properly, to bleed a patient, and extract a tooth as well as one -of the faculty.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 387px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img222.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">PETER THE GREAT AS A SURGEON.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The pretty wife of one of the czar’s valets had the following unpleasant -experience of his skill. The husband of the “maid” accused her of -flirting, and vowed revenge. The czar noticed the valet seated in the -ante-room, looking forlorn, and asked the cause of his dejection. The -wicked valet replied that his wife had a tooth which gave her great pain, -keeping them both awake day and night, but would not have it drawn.</p> - -<p>“Send her to me,” said the czar.</p> - -<p>The woman was brought, but persisted in affirming that her teeth were -sound, and never ached. The valet alleged that this was always the way she -did when the physician was called; therefore, in spite of her cries and -remonstrances, the king ordered her husband to hold her head between his -knees, when the czar drew out his instruments and instantly extracted the -tooth designated by the husband, disregarding the cries of the unfortunate -victim.</p> - -<p>In a few days the czar was informed that the thing was a put-up job by the -jealous husband, in order to punish, if not mar the beauty of, his gallant -wife, whereupon the instruments were again brought into requisition; and -this time the naughty valet was the sufferer, to the extent of losing a -sound and valuable tooth.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Every Tinker has his Day.</span></p> - -<p>During a long period, and in several countries, the barbers were the only -acknowledged blood-letters. Some of them were educated to the trade of -bleeding. Dr. Meade was once lecturer to the barber-surgeons, and, if I -mistake not, Dr. Abernethy; but the majority of them were as ignorant as -the tinkers, who also went about the country bleeding the people at both -vein and pocket.</p> - -<p>In 1592 one Nicolas Gyer published a work entitled “The<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_699" id="Page_699">[Pg 699]</a></span> English -Phlebotomy, or Method of Healing by Letting of Blood.” Its motto was, “The -horse-leech hath two daughters, which crye, ‘<i>Give, give</i>.’” The author -thus complains: “Phlebotomy is greatly abused by vagabond horse-leeches -and travelling tinkers, who find work in almost every village, who have, -in truth, neither knowledge, wit, or honesty; hence the sober practitioner -and cunning chirurgeon liveth basely, is despised, and counted a very -abject amongst the vulgar sort.”</p> - -<p>Many of the abbeys of Europe and Asia had a “phlebotomaria,” or -bleeding-room, connected, in which the sacred (?) inmates underwent -bleeding at certain seasons. The monks of the order of St. Victor, and -others, underwent five venesections per year; for the “Salerne Schoole,” -1601, says,—</p> - -<p class="poem">“To bleed doth cheare the pensive, and remove<br /> -<i>The raging furies fed by burning love</i>.”</p> - -<p>The priests seem to have overlooked Paul’s advice, for such to marry, as -it was “better to marry than to burn.” If the writer could unfold the -secrets of his “prison-house,”—as doubtless is the experience of most -physicians,—he could tell of worse habits of some modern priests than -this quinarial venesection.</p> - -<p>“To bleed in May is still the custom with ignorant people in a few remote -districts” of England. In Marchland a woman used to bleed patients for a -few pence per arm.</p> - -<p>Steele tells of a bleeder of his time who advertised to bleed, at certain -hours, “all who came, for three pence a head”—he meant arm, doubtless!</p> - -<p>Mention is made of the Drs. Taylor (horse doctors), who drew blood from -the rabble as they would claret from a pipe. “Every Sunday morning they -bled <i>gratis</i> all who liked a prick from their lancets. On such occasions -a hundred poor wretches could be seen seated on the long benches of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_700" id="Page_700">[Pg 700]</a></span> -surgery, waiting venesection. When ready, the two brothers would pass -rapidly along the lines of bared arms, one applying the white strip of -cloth above the elbow, the other following and immediately opening the -vein. The crimson stream was directed into a wooden trough that ran along -in front of the seats where the operation was performed.”</p> - -<p>It scarcely seems possible that such wholesale butchery could have been -openly performed but a hundred years ago! Yet it is still practised, but -with a little more decency.</p> - -<p>In South America venesection is still performed by the barbers, who are -nearly all natives.</p> - -<p>“A surgeon in Ecuador would consider it an injury to his dignity to bleed -a patient; so he deputes that duty to the Indian phlebotomist, who does -the work in a most barbarous manner, with a blunt and jagged instrument, -after causing considerable pain, and even danger, to the patient.</p> - -<p>“These barbers and bleeders are considered to be the leaders of their -<i>caste</i>, as from their ranks are drawn the native <i>alcaldes</i>, or -magistrates; and so proud are they of their position, that they would not -exchange their badge of office (a silver-headed cane) for the cross of a -bishop.</p> - -<p>“The most prominent figures at the Easter celebration are the barbers, who -are almost always Indians. They dress in a kind of plaited cape, and wear -collars of a ridiculous height, and starched to an extreme degree of -stiffness. In this class are also to be found the <i>sangradores</i>, or -bleeders, who, as of old, unite the two professions.”</p> - -<p>A curious scene is presented during each successive day of the “Holy -Week,” when the effigies of the titular saints are brought out, and with -the priests, music, and banners, and the barbers to bear burning incense, -they are paraded before the superstitious, gaping, and priest-ridden -people.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_701" id="Page_701">[Pg 701]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Bleeding our Forefathers.</span></p> - -<p>Dr. Fuller, the first physician amongst the colonists of New England, -wrote to Governor Bradford, June, 1630, saying,—</p> - -<p>“I have been to Matapan (now Dorchester), and let some twenty of those -people’s blood.”</p> - -<p>What disease demanded, in the estimation of the good and wise doctor, this -seemingly bloody visit, we are not informed.</p> - -<p>“The <i>Mercure de France</i>, April, 1728, and December, 1729, gives an -account of a French woman, the wife of a hussar named Gignoult, whom, -under the direction of Monsieur Theveneau, Dr. Palmery bled <i>three -thousand nine hundred and four times</i>, and that within the space of nine -months. Again the bleeding was renewed, and in the course of a few years, -from 1726 to the end of 1729, she had been bled twenty-six thousand two -hundred and thirty times.”</p> - -<p>No wonder our informant asks, “Did this really occur? Or was the editor of -the <i>Mercure</i> the original Baron Munchausen?”</p> - -<p>“Once, in the Duchy of Wurtemberg, the public executioner, after having -sent a certain number of his fellow-creatures out of this troublesome -world, was dignified by the title of ‘Doctor.’ Would it not be well to -reverse the thing, and make such murderous physicians as Theveneau and M. -Palmery rank as hangmen-extraordinary?”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A French Butcher-surgeon.</span></p> - -<p>But, then, some of those French surgeons are worse than hangmen.</p> - -<p>Dr. Mott, when once in Paris, was invited by M. —— to witness a private -operation, which was simply the removal of a tumor from the neck of an -elderly gentleman.</p> - -<p>“Dr. Mott informed me,” says Dr. S. Francis, “that never<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_702" id="Page_702">[Pg 702]</a></span> in his life had -he seen anybody but a <i>butcher</i> cut and slash as did this French surgeon. -He cut the jugular vein. Dr. Mott instantly compressed it. In a moment -more he severed it again. By this time, the patient being feeble, and -having, by these two successive accidents, lost much blood, a portion of -the tumor was cut off, the hole plugged up by lint, and the patient left.”</p> - -<p>A week after, Dr. M. met the surgeon, and inquired after the patient.</p> - -<p>“O, <i>oui</i>,” said the butcher, shrugging his shoulders. “Poor old fellow! -He grew pious, and suddenly died.”</p> - -<p>And this was by one of the first surgeons of France, on the authority of -Dr. Valentine Mott.</p> - -<p>Cases are cited in Paget’s “Surgical Pathology,” of tumors being removed -by the knife from four to nine times, and returning, proving fatal, in -every instance.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Cur?</span></p> - -<p>Yes, “Why?” A man’s strength is in his blood, Samson notwithstanding. Then -if you take away his blood, you lessen his chances of recovery, because -you have lessened his strength.</p> - -<p>“<i>Cum sanguinem detrahere oportet, deliberatione indiget</i>,” said Aretæus, -a Greek physician of the first century. (“When bleeding is required, there -is need of deliberation.”)</p> - -<p>“<i>Cur?</i>” (why) was a favorite inquiry of Dr. Abernethy’s.</p> - -<p>“We recollect a surgeon being called to a gentleman who was taken suddenly -ill. The medical attendant, being present, asked the surgeon,—</p> - -<p>“‘Shall I bleed him at once, sir?’</p> - -<p>“‘<i>Why</i> should you desire to bleed him?’</p> - -<p>“‘O, exactly. You prefer cupping?’</p> - -<p>“‘Why should he be cupped?’</p> - -<p>“‘Then shall I apply some leeches?’</p> - -<p>“This, too, was declined. In short, it never seemed to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_703" id="Page_703">[Pg 703]</a></span> have occurred to -the physician that neither might be necessary; still less that either -might therefore prove mischievous.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Misfortunes of a Barber-bleeder.</span></p> - -<p class="center">Three Scenes from a Story by Douglas Jerrold—rewritten.</p> - -<p><i>Scene 1.</i>—Job Pippins, a handsome Barber, is discharged from Sir Scipio -Manikin’s, for kissing that gentleman’s young and pretty wife. He meets a -Scotch wagoner.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img223.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">JOB DISCHARGED BY SIR SCIPIO.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_704" id="Page_704">[Pg 704]</a></span>“I say, I ha’ got a dead mun in the wagon.”</p> - -<p>“A dead man?” cried Job.</p> - -<p>“Ay; picked him up i’ the muddle o’ the road. The bay cob wor standin’ -loike a lamb beside um. I shall take um to the ‘Barley Mow’ yonder.” (An -inn.)</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 423px;"><img src="images/img224.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“BLEED HIM.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“But stop, for God’s sake,” exclaimed Job, jumping upon the wagon. -Instantly he recognized the features of Sir Scipio. Struck by apoplexy, he -had fallen from his horse. Instantly Job tore off Sir Scipio’s coat, -rolled up his sleeves, bound the arm, and produced a razor.</p> - -<p>“Ha! what wilt ye do, mun?” cried the wagoner, seeing the razor.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_705" id="Page_705">[Pg 705]</a></span>“Bleed him,” replied Job, with exquisite composure; “I fear his heart is -stopped.”</p> - -<p>“Loikely. I do think it be Grinders, the lawyer. Cut um deep, deep;” and -the fellow opened wide his eyes to see if the lawyer had red blood or -Japan ink in his veins. “Cut um deep; though if it be old Grinders, by -what I hear, it be a shame to disturb him, ony way,” said the wagoner.</p> - -<p>“Grinders! Pshaw! It’s Sir Scipio Manikin.”</p> - -<p>“Wounds!” roared the scared wagoner. “No, man, no! Don’t meddle wi’ such -gentry folks in my wagon.” So saying, he sought to stay the hand of the -bleeder at the moment he was applying the sharp blade of the razor to the -bared arm, but only succeeded in driving the instrument deep into the -limb. Job turned pale. The wagoner groaned and trembled.</p> - -<p>“We shall be hanged for this job—hanged, hanged!”</p> - -<p>“Providentially,” as the knight afterwards affirmed, the landlord of the -“Barley Mow,” in chastising his wife, had broken his leg, and had called -in Dr. Saffron, who, now returning, came upon the wagon containing the -bulky body of Sir Scipio, mangled and bleeding.</p> - -<p>The apoplectic squire began to return to dim consciousness, and beholding -Job, with a razor between his teeth, standing over him, timing his pulse, -he gave an involuntary shudder, particularly as he now recalled the late -scene, which had terminated in his kicking Job penniless into the highway.</p> - -<p>Dr. Saffron took the wounded arm, looked at Job, and said,—</p> - -<p>“Is this your doings?”</p> - -<p>Job looked, “Yes,” but spoke not.</p> - -<p>“Bleeding!” repeated the doctor, fiercely; “I call it capital carving.” -Then turning to the wagoner, he said, “And you found Sir Scipio lying in -the road?”</p> - -<p>“Ay, sir; rolled up like a hedge pig,” replied the wagoner.</p> - -<p>Job wiped his razor, and slipped silently away.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_706" id="Page_706">[Pg 706]</a></span><i>Scene 2.</i>—Job, half starved and half dead from the fatigues of his long -walk, finds his way into an old woman’s hut, which unfortunately is the -rendezvous of three highwaymen.</p> - -<p>“Moll, the stool,” said one of the men.</p> - -<p>The stool ordered was thrown towards Job, who sank resignedly upon it.</p> - -<p>“What’s o’clock?” asked Bats, one of the robbers.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 317px;"><img src="images/img225.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A BORROWED WATCH.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Job leaped from the stool in amazement, clapped his hand to his waistcoat -pocket, and drew forth a splendid gold watch, the late property of Sir -Scipio. Job had merely borrowed it to time the pulse of the apoplectic -knight, and forgot to return it. The eyes of the highwayman were fixed -leeringly upon the chronometer. They gave no heed to the embarrassment of -the possessor.</p> - -<p>“I say, friend, time must be worth something to you to score it by such a -watch.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_707" id="Page_707">[Pg 707]</a></span>“It isn’t mine,” cried Job, the perspiration starting from every pore of -his body.</p> - -<p>“Ha, ha, ha!” laughed the three at this unnecessary information.</p> - -<p>“A mistake; I got it in the oddest way.”</p> - -<p>“Ha, ha, ha!” again roared his hearers in chorus.</p> - -<p>“O Lord! I shall be hanged for this,” cried Job.</p> - -<p>“In course you will,” said Mortlake, comfortingly.</p> - -<p>Job now hastily felt in his other pockets to see if he unwittingly -possessed any other property not his own, when he pulled out a large -handkerchief well saturated with Sir Scipio’s blood.</p> - -<p>Mortlake gave an expressive cluck. Bats uttered a low, accusing whistle.</p> - -<p>“What! he was game—was he? Well, it is all over now; tell us how it -happened, and what you did with the body,” said the third.</p> - -<p>In vain Job persisted in the truth. He was only laughed at....</p> - -<p>“Moll, the gin.” Such a gamy highwayman as Job presented evidence of being -deserves to be treated! Let us see in the next scene <i>how</i> he was treated.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p><i>Scene 3.</i>—Job was drank dead drunk. Stripped of not only Sir Manikin’s -watch and chain, but of everything save one brief garment, and under cover -of night deposited in an adjoining meadow.</p> - -<p>“Job Pippins slept.”</p> - -<p>“Job Pippins awoke.”</p> - -<p>An insect ticked its little note in Job’s ear.</p> - -<p>“The watch!” cried the bewildered Job, springing to his feet and gaspingly -applying his hands to his flesh.</p> - -<p>Who can depict his utter amazement when he had become convinced of his own -identity, and found himself standing out in the broad world, reduced to -the brief wardrobe, which is summed up in the one single word—“<span class="smcap">Shirt</span>”?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_708" id="Page_708">[Pg 708]</a></span>Hatless, shoeless, hoseless, he stood upon the grass, the bold zephyrs -playing with his garment—a bloody, tattered flag of terrible distress. -Job looked timidly about. He resolved, and he re-resolved. Should he turn -back to the house from whence he had been so ruthlessly ejected? Should he -hide behind the hedge and solicit the help of some male passer? Who would -put faith in a man with no recommendation, and possessing such a small -wardrobe? O, indecision! how many better men have gone to ruin because of -thee!</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 290px;"><img src="images/img226.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">JOB’S DECISION.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Decision came to Job’s help—at least help out of that field. At this very -moment of need for some one to help him decide what course to pursue, a -ferocious bull, feeding in the next meadow, annoyed or scandalized by the -appearance of Job, scaled the low fence, and with one bellow, ran full -tilt after Job, who hesitated no longer, but leaped the rail fence just as -the animal made a lunge at him. Job reached the highway in safety of -person, though the bull<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_709" id="Page_709">[Pg 709]</a></span> retreated with a full square yard of the false -flag of truce upon his horns.</p> - -<p>Job’s destitution seemed perfect without this last affliction. The sound -of carriage wheels startled him, but to where should he flee? He was at -the zero of his fortunes. He was naked, hungry, penniless. Where should he -find one friend.</p> - -<p>“Ah! the river!” That would hide him forever from the uncharitable -world!...</p> - -<p>Job crawled across the field, and was already near the stream.</p> - -<p>What! Had some pitying angel, softened by Job’s utter destitution and -despair, alighted amongst the bushes! Or was it a temptation of the devil?</p> - -<p>Reader, “put yourself in”—No! But imagine Job reduced to the moiety of a -shirt, about to take the fatal plunge, when lo! he discovers just before -him, lying,—a golden waif,—a very handsome suit of clothes,—hat, -breeches, hose, shoes, gloves, cane, cravat! and no visible second person -near.</p> - -<p>Job’s perplexity was brief. He seated himself on the grass. He changed his -equivocal shirt for the ample piece of ruffled “aired-snow” in the -twinkling of an eye; donned the stockings and breeches,—“just a -fit,”—waistcoat, and coat, seized the hat, gloves, cravat, and cane, and -in three minutes he was back on the main road. The swimmer must have been -just Job’s size, so admirably did the whole wardrobe fit and become him.</p> - -<p>Again Job passed the five-barred gate, where stood the bull, with glaring -eyes, waving in vain the flag of truce upon his horns.</p> - -<p>Job journeyed onward, waving his cane, and smiling in supreme contempt at -the bit of rag which so recently proclaimed his crime and wretchedness. He -put his hand into <i>his</i> pocket, and pulled out a <i>purse</i>! It contained -eight<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_710" id="Page_710">[Pg 710]</a></span> guineas! This was too much. Job fell upon his knees in the -highway, overcome with gratitude, and holding up the purse in his left -hand, placing the other over his stomach, he “blessed his lucky stars” for -his propitious change of fortunes.</p> - -<p>Here we bid adieu to the barber-bleeders. Those who wish to know how the -swimmer came out, must consult “Men of Character,” by Jerrold.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Use of Brains.</span></p> - -<p>Mr. G. H. Lewes tells a story of a gentleman who, under the scissors, said -something about his thinning locks being caused by the development of his -brains. “Excuse me, sir,” remarked the barber, “but you are laboring under -a mistake. The brains permeate the skull, and encourage the growth of the -hair—<i>that’s what they’re for, sir</i>.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img227.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_711" id="Page_711">[Pg 711]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXIX" id="XXIX"></a>XXIX.</h2> -<p class="title">THE OMNIUM GATHERUM.</p> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>EX-SELL-SIR!—“THE OBJECT TO BE ATTAINED.”—A NOTORIOUS FEMALE -DOCTOR.—A WHITE BLACK MAN.—SQUASHY.—MOTHER’S FOOL.—WHO IT -WAS.—THE PHILOSOPHER AND HIS DAUGHTER.—EDUCATION AND -GIBBERISH.—SCOTTISH HOSPITALITY.—THE OLD LADY WITH AN ANIMAL IN HER -STOMACH.—STORIES ABOUT LITTLE FOLKS.—THE BOY WITH A BULLET IN -HIM.—CASE OF SMALL-POX.—NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT.—FUNERAL ANTHEMS.</small></p></div> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Ex-Sell-Sir.</span></p> - -<p class="poem">The morning sun was shining bright,<br /> -As lone upon old Georgetown’s height,<br /> -A Bliss-ful doctor, clad in brown,<br /> -Desiring wealth and great renown,<br /> -Displayed aloft to wondering eyes<br /> -A shrub which bore this strange device,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 12em;">Cundurango!</span><br /> -<br /> -A maiden fair, with pallid cheek,<br /> -With ardent haste his aid did seek<br /> -To stay the progress and the pain<br /> -Of carcinoma of the brain;<br /> -While still aloft the shrub he bore,<br /> -The answer came, with windy roar,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 12em;">To Cundurango!</span><br /> -<br /> -A matron old, with long unrest<br /> -From carcinoma of the breast,<br /> -This Bliss-ful doctor rushed to see,<br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_712" id="Page_712">[Pg 712]</a></span>And begged his aid on bended knee.<br /> -The magic shrub waved still on high,<br /> -And rushed through air the well-known cry,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 12em;">Try Cundurango!</span><br /> -<br /> -The evening sun went down in red—<br /> -The maid and matron both were dead;<br /> -And yet, through all the realms around,<br /> -This worthless shrub, of mighty sound,<br /> -Will serve to fill the purse forlorn,<br /> -And the cancer succumb “in a horn”<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 12em;">To Cundurango.</span></p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Object to be attained.</span></p> - -<p>A doctor was called in to see a patient whose native land was Ireland, and -whose native drink was whiskey. Water was prescribed as the only cure. Pat -said it was out of the question; he could never drink it. Then milk was -proposed, and Pat agreed to get well on milk. The doctor was soon summoned -again. Near the bed on which the sick man lay was a table, and on the -table a large bowl, and in the bowl was milk, but strongly flavored with -whiskey.</p> - -<p>“What have you here?” said the doctor.</p> - -<p>“Milk, doctor; just what you orthered.”</p> - -<p>“But there’s whiskey in it; I smell it.”</p> - -<p>“Well, doctor,” sighed the patient, “there may be whiskey in it, but milk -is my object.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Laugh wins.</span></p> - -<p>An old lady reduced in circumstances applied to a physician to know if she -might conscientiously sell some quack pills. The physician rather -recommended that she should sell some pills made of bread, observing that, -if they did no good, they would certainly do no harm. The old lady -commenced business, and performed many cures with her pills,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_713" id="Page_713">[Pg 713]</a></span> till at -last she had great confidence in them. At length the physician, whom she -called her benefactor, became ill by a bone sticking in his throat, which -he could not pass up or down. In this situation the old lady visited him, -and recommended her pills in his own language. The physician, upon this -expression, burst out laughing, and in the act of laughing brought up the -bone.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A notorious Female Doctor.</span></p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Washington</span>, January 10, 1872.</p> - -<p>From an account of the “Women’s National Suffrage Association,” reported -to the Press, I cut the following description of a noted female doctress -who dresses in a garb as near to a man’s as the cramped laws of the land -will admit.</p> - -<p>“Ten minutes after the opening ... a curly, crinkly feminine, in very -large walking boots, came to the front, being followed, after a brief -pause, by the rest of the sisters. This lady was new, even to the -reporters, and one of them, handing up a pencilled inquiry to Mrs. Dr. -Walker, was informed that she was ‘Mrs. Ricker, a beautiful, charming, -and good widow, fair, forty, and rich.’ This bit of interesting news -started on its travels.</p> - -<p class="center"><strong><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span></strong></p> - -<p>“The doctor, who has the usual manly proclivity for hugging the girls, -threw her arms around a pretty and modest-looking girl standing by, -and enthusiastically shouted, “You are a dear, sweet little creature.” -The frightened young woman drew hastily back, and faltered out that -she was not in the habit of being hugged by men. This turned the laugh -on the doctor; but she gained her lost ground by quickly replying to -the inquiry of the secretary as to what place he should put her down -from as a delegate, to put her down “from all the world;” but he -objected, anxious for the completeness of his roster.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_714" id="Page_714">[Pg 714]</a></span>“You must have a local habitation, you know.”</p> - -<p>“Put me down from Washington, then, for that is the home of everybody -who has none other.”</p> - -<p>Unmindful of the eloquent protest of her coat and pantaloons against -feminine distinctions, he wrote her down as “Mrs. Mary Walker;” but -seizing the pencil from his fingers, she spitefully erased the “Mrs.” -and wrote “Doctor.”</p> - -<p>“I never was Mrs.; I never will be.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A White Man turning Black.</span></p> - -<p>The San Francisco Examiner says a gentleman of that city, about -twenty-five years of age, ruddy complexion, curly red hair, who had an -intractable and painful ulcer on the left arm, resisting all previous -modes of treatment, yielded to the request of trying the effect of -transplanting a piece of skin to the ulcer from another person. The ulcer -was prepared in the usual manner by his physician, and a bit of skin, -about an inch square, was taken from the arm of a fine healthy negro man -and immediately spread over the ugly ulcer, and then carefully dressed and -bandaged. The skin transplantation had the desired effect. Healthy -granulation sprang up, and the unsightly ulcer soon healed. A few months -afterwards he went to his physician and told him that ever since the sore -healed the black skin commenced to spread, and it was increasing. About -one third of his arm was completely negroed. The doctor himself was -alarmed. The high probability is, that the whole skin of this white man -will become negro.</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>An officer had a wooden leg so exceedingly well made that it could -scarcely be distinguished from a real one. A cannon ball carried it off. A -soldier who saw him fall called out, “Quick, run for the surgeon.” “No,” -replied the officer, coolly; “it is the joiner I want.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Squashy.</span>”</p> - -<p>Squashy was a contraband. He came from North Carolina. He was looking -about Washington for “a new masser,” when Dr. ——, of —— regiment C. -V., took him for a body servant.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_715" id="Page_715">[Pg 715]</a></span></p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 600px; height: 424px;"><img src="images/img228.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">SQUASHY’S SURGICAL OPERATION ON THE DOCTOR.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_716" id="Page_716">[Pg 716]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_717" id="Page_717">[Pg 717]</a></span>The doctor was out on horseback at parade that very day, and the most that -Squashy had as yet learned of his master was, that he was handsome.</p> - -<p>“Dat’s him! Dar’s my new masser! see um! see um! ridin’ on hoss-back, -dar!” exclaimed the contraband to a host of other negroes watching the -parade.</p> - -<p>That night, when the doctor returned to his quarters, Squashy came to -assist in removing some of the superfluous and dirt-covered garments of -his new master, amongst which were his heavy and mud-splashed boots.</p> - -<p>The doctor was a joker. “Now, what’s your name, boy?”</p> - -<p>“Squashy, sar; dat’s what dey called me, sar,” replied the contraband, -showing a gorgeous row of ivories, and the whites of two great, globular -eyes.</p> - -<p>“Well, Squashy,—that’s a very appropriate name,—just pull off these -boots. Left one first. There—pull! hard! harder!—There she comes! Now -the other; now pull; it always comes the hardest; pull -strong—stronger—now it’s coming—O, murder! you’ve pulled my whole leg -out!”</p> - -<p>Sure enough, the boot, leg and all, came off at the thigh, and slap! -crash! bang! over backwards, over a camp-stool, on to the floor, went -Squashy, with the boot and wooden leg of the doctor grasped tightly in his -brawny hands.</p> - -<p>“O, de Lord!” cried Squashy, rising. “I didn’t go for to do it! O, Lord, -see um bleed!” he continued, as in the uncertain light he saw a bit of red -flannel round the stump; and, dropping the leg, he turned, and with a look -of the utmost terror depicted on his countenance, he fled from the -apartment.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_718" id="Page_718">[Pg 718]</a></span>On the following day the doctor made diligent inquiry for Squashy; but he -never was found, and probably to this day thinks he pulled out the leg of -his “new and hansum masser.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>We do not know who wrote the following which is too good to be lost; hence -we give it anonymously.</p> - -<p class="poem"><span style="margin-left: 4em;">MOTHER’S FOOL.</span><br /> -“’Tis plain enough to see,” said a farmer’s wife,<br /> -“These boys will make their marks in life;<br /> -They never were made to handle a hoe,<br /> -And at once to college ought to go.<br /> -There’s Fred, he’s little better than a fool,<br /> -But John and Henry must go to school.”<br /> -<br /> -“Well, really, wife,” quoth farmer Brown,<br /> -As he set his mug of cider down,<br /> -“Fred does more work in a day for me<br /> -Than both his brothers do in three.<br /> -Book larnin’ will never plant one’s corn,<br /> -Nor hoe potatoes, sure’s you’re born,<br /> -Nor mend a rod of broken fence:<br /> -For my part, give me common sense.”<br /> -<br /> -But his wife was bound the roost to rule,<br /> -And John and Henry were sent to school,<br /> -While Fred, of course, was left behind,<br /> -Because his mother said he had no mind.<br /> -<br /> -Five years at school the students spent,<br /> -Then into business each one went.<br /> -John learned to play the flute and fiddle,<br /> -And parted his hair, of course, in the middle,<br /> -While his brother looked rather higher than he,<br /> -And hung out a sign, “H. Brown, M. D.”<br /> -<br /> -Meanwhile, at home, their brother Fred<br /> -Had taken a notion into his head;<br /> -But he quietly trimmed his apple trees,<br /> -Milked the cows and hived the bees;<br /> -While somehow, either by hook or crook,<br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_719" id="Page_719">[Pg 719]</a></span>He managed to read full many a book,<br /> -Until at last his father said<br /> -He was getting “book larnin’” into his head;<br /> -“But for all that,” added farmer Brown,<br /> -“He’s the smartest boy there is in town.”<br /> -<br /> -The war broke out, and Captain Fred<br /> -A hundred men to battle led,<br /> -And, when the rebel flag came down,<br /> -Went marching home as General Brown.<br /> -But he went to work on the farm again,<br /> -And planted corn and sowed his grain;<br /> -He shingled the barn and mended the fence,<br /> -Till people declared he had common sense.<br /> -<br /> -Now common sense was very rare,<br /> -And the State House needed a portion there;<br /> -So the “family dunce” moved into town,<br /> -The people called him Governor Brown;<br /> -And his brothers, who went to the city school,<br /> -Came home to live with “mother’s fool.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Who it was.</span></p> - -<p>There is an anecdote told of Dr. Emmons, one of the most able of New -England divines, meeting a Pantheistical physician at the house of a sick -parishioner. It was no place for a dispute. It was no place for any -unbecoming familiarity with the minister. It was no place for a physician -to inquire into the age of the minister, especially with any intent of -entangling him in a debate; and, above all, where the querist was too -visionary for any logical discussion. But the abrupt question of the -Pantheist was, “Mr. Emmons, how old are you?”</p> - -<p>“Sixty, sir; and how old are you?” came the quick reply.</p> - -<p>“As old as creation, sir,” was the triumphant response.</p> - -<p>“Then you are of the same age with Adam and Eve.”</p> - -<p>“Certainly; I was in the garden when they were.”</p> - -<p>“I have always heard that there was a third party in the garden with them, -but I never knew before that it was you.”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_720" id="Page_720">[Pg 720]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A heavy Doctor.</span></p> - -<p>Dr. Stone, of Savannah, walked into the river at Savannah, and, like other -stones, was about to sink, when he was romantically rescued by a brave -lady.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Scottish Hospitality.</span></p> - -<p>The Scotch people—even the females—are great <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_721" id="Page_721">[Pg 721]</a></span>smokers, and female -tobacco-users are not considered the embodiment of neatness.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 364px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img229.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“WILL YE TAK’ A BLAST NOO?”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>The Countess of A., with a laudable desire to promote tidiness in the -various cottages on her estate, used to visit them periodically, and -exhort the inmates to cleanliness. One cottage was always found especially -untidy; and getting, perhaps, the least out of patience, the countess took -up a brush-broom, and having by its dexterous use made the room much -improved, she turned to the housewife, who, with pipe between her lips, -had been sitting on a stool, with body bent forward, her elbows on her -knees, and her chin resting in the palms of her hands, watching the -proceeding. The Countess said,—</p> - -<p>“There, my good woman, is it not much better?”</p> - -<p>“Ay, my leddy,” said the woman, nodding her head, and rising, she stepped -towards the countess, drew the pipe from her mouth, and wiping it with her -brawny palm, presented it, saying,—</p> - -<p>“An’ will ye tak’ a blast noo, my leddy?”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Animals in the Stomach.</span></p> - -<p>Most physicians scout the idea of terrestrial animals or reptiles living -in one’s stomach. The wife of Captain Hodgden, of Mount Desert, presented -the writer with a singular looking reptile some three inches in length, -looking not unlike an earwig, excepting having two horns on its head, -which animal she said crawled from her mouth the night previous. She -declared for years that there was a live animal in her stomach, and -attributed its dislodgment to the use of some bitters (Chelone glabra).</p> - -<p>A nice old lady called at our office one day, some years ago, during my -absence, and informed Dr. Colley, who was attending my patients -temporarily, that she had a live animal in her stomach. The doctor tells -the story as follows:—</p> - -<p>“‘Now don’t you laugh at me, doctor, ’cause all the doctors<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_722" id="Page_722">[Pg 722]</a></span> do, and I -know it ain’t no whim nor notion I’ve got in my <i>head</i>, but a real live -animal I’ve got into my stomach,’ she said.</p> - -<p>“I looked at the good old lady, and could not find it in my heart to tell -her she was laboring under a delusion, therefore I replied, very -sympathetically,—</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 408px;"><img src="images/img230.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">REPTILES FROM THE STOMACH.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“‘O, no doubt you are right, and all the doctors have been wrong. Why, -just sit quiet a moment, and I will show you a whole bottle full that the -doctor has from time to time taken from the stomachs of patients.’ So -saying, I went into the laboratory, and got down a bottle of centipedes, -lizards, and a big, black, southern horn-bug, which the doctor’s brother -had collected in the South, and, dusting off<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_723" id="Page_723">[Pg 723]</a></span> the bottle, took it to the -old lady, who sat comfortably in a rocking-chair, taking snuff, and -nervously humming a little pennyroyal tune.</p> - -<p>“‘There, madam—there is a host of various kinds of reptiles, which the -doctor has compelled to abandon the living stomach.’</p> - -<p>“‘Du tell,’ she exclaimed, readjusting her glasses, ‘if them all come out -of folks’ stomachs! Let me take the bottle.’</p> - -<p>“‘I suppose they really did, marm.’</p> - -<p>“‘And the big black one; who did that come out of?’ she asked, turning the -bottle around to get a view of the ugly monster—horns two inches long!</p> - -<p>“‘O, let me see. That came out of a colored man—awful appetite, madam.’</p> - -<p>“‘Du tell! Well, I’m much obleeged to you for showing them to me. Now I’ll -go right home, and pitch into them doctors. I knowed they’re all wrong.’ -And so saying, the old lady arose, buzzed round and round like a bee in a -bottle, got her reticule, and started for the door.</p> - -<p>“‘O, I forgot,’ she exclaimed, coming back. ‘Give me some of the medicine -to get this animal out of my system, doctor.’</p> - -<p>“I gave her a quantity of gentian, told her to use no snuff for two -months, and she would have no further trouble with the animal; that she -must not expect to see him, as they seldom came away whole, like those in -the bottle. She promised, with a sigh, and a sorry look at the snuff-box, -and went away. I have no doubt <i>but I did the best thing possible for her -case</i>.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Stories about Little Folks.</span></p> - -<p>As ludicrous as the above may seem, it is true; but we cannot vouch for -the truth of the following story:—</p> - -<p><i>The Boy with a Bullet in him.</i>—A lad swallowed a small bullet. His -friends were very much alarmed about it; and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_724" id="Page_724">[Pg 724]</a></span> his father thinking no -pains should be spared to save his darling boy’s life, sent post haste to -a surgeon of skill, directing the messenger to tell the circumstances and -urge his coming without delay. The doctor was found, heard the dismal -tale, and with as much unconcern as he would manifest in a case of common -headache, wrote the following laconic reply:—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>: Don’t alarm yourself. If after three weeks the bullet is not -removed, give the boy a charge of powder.</p> - -<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Yours, &c., ——</span></p> - -<p>P. S. <i>Do not aim the boy at anybody.</i>—M. D.</p></div> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img231.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“IT ISN’T CATCHIN’.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p><i>Case of Small-pox.</i>—A lady school teacher in Omaha, having an inordinate -dread of the small-pox, sent home a little girl because she said her -mother was sick and had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_725" id="Page_725">[Pg 725]</a></span> marks on her face. The next day the girl -presented herself at the school-house, with her finger in her mouth, and -her little bonnet swinging by the strings, and said to the teacher,—</p> - -<p>“Miss ——, we’ve got a baby at our house; but mother told me to tell you -that ‘it isn’t catchin’.’”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p>“<i>Not much to look at.</i>”—The late eminent Dr. Wallaston was introduced, -at an evening party, to a rather pert young lady.</p> - -<p>“O, doctor,” she said, “I am delighted to meet you; I have so long wished -to see you.”</p> - -<p>“Well,” said the man of science, “and pray what do you think of me now you -have seen me?”</p> - -<p>“You may be very clever,” was the answer, “<i>but you are nothing to look -at</i>.”</p> - -<hr style="width: 25%;" /> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 385px;"><img src="images/img232.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">FUNERAL OF THE CANARY.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p><i>Funeral Anthems.</i>—Reading in a western paper that at funerals out in -Terre Haute they closed the solemn <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_726" id="Page_726">[Pg 726]</a></span>ceremony by singing very impressively -“<i>The Ham-fat Man</i>,” reminds me of the following, which actually occurred -at Portsmouth, N. H., last year:—</p> - -<p>Three little girls, who had carefully and tenderly buried a pet -canary-bird in the garden, were seen holding a consultation, which -terminated by sending one of the trio into the house, with the inquiry, -“Do they sing at funerals?” Being answered in the affirmative, the little -messenger ran back, and in a few moments the three were observed standing, -hand in hand, around the little mound gravely singing,—</p> - -<p class="center">“<i>Shoo, fly! don’t bodder me.</i>”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img233.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_727" id="Page_727">[Pg 727]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXX" id="XXX"></a>XXX.</h2> -<p class="title">THE OTHER SIDE.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>It’s a very good rule in all things of life,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When judging a friend or brother,</span><br /> -Not to look at the question alone on one side,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But always to turn to the other.</span><br /> -We are apt to be selfish in all our views,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In the jostling, headlong race,</span><br /> -And so, to be right, ere you censure a man,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Just “put yourself in his place.”—<span class="smcap">Anon.</span></span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE.—STEALING FROM THE PROFESSION.—ANECDOTE OF -RUFUS CHOATE.—INGRATES.—A NIGHT ROW.—“SAVING AT THE SPIGOT AND -WASTING AT THE BUNG.”—SHOPPING PATIENTS.—AN AFFECTIONATE WIFE.—RUM -AND TOBACCO PATIENTS.—THE PHYSICIAN’S WIDOW AND ORPHANS, THE SUMMONS, -THE TENEMENT, THE INVALIDS, HOW THEY LIVED, HER HISTORY, THE UNNATURAL -FATHER, HOW THEY DIED, THE END.—A PETER-FUNK DOCTOR.—SELLING OUT.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>While I trust that respectable, educated physicians will take no offence -at the <i>exposé</i> in the foregoing chapters, as nothing therein is -<i>intended</i> to lessen them in public opinion, or detract from the merit of -the <span class="smcap">True Physician</span> of any school, I cannot leave the subject without -presenting some facts to show that the people are not blameless in -creating and maintaining so many humbugs and impositions, to the damage -and scandal of respectable practitioners and legitimate medicine.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_728" id="Page_728">[Pg 728]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Stealing from the Profession.</span></p> - -<p>I need not tell men of any profession, that there are those, even in the -respectable walks of life, who will watch their opportunity to button-hole -the lawyer or the doctor, in the public streets, to “just ask him a -question,” rather than call at his office, where a fee would certainly be -a just compensation for the expected advice.</p> - -<p>One of these highway robbers once overtook Mr. Choate, the great Boston -lawyer, on a public street, and asked him if he should sue Mr. Jones, so -and so, briefly stating his case, if he, the lawyer, thought he, Smith, -would win the suit.</p> - -<p>“O, yes,” replied the great lawyer; and Smith went on his way rejoicing.</p> - -<p>The case went to trial, Smith <i>vs.</i> Jones. Smith employed a cheap -pettifogger. Jones employed Mr. Choate to defend him, and gained the suit.</p> - -<p>“Didn’t you tell me I had a good case?” demanded the irascible plaintiff -of Mr. Choate, when he found that the case had gone against him.</p> - -<p>“Well, I think you did say something to me about it,” replied Mr. Choate, -very indifferently.</p> - -<p>“Yes, and didn’t you advise me to sue him?” cried the infuriated Smith.</p> - -<p>“Let me see, Mr. Smith: how much did you pay me for that advice?”</p> - -<p>“Nothing, sir! nothing!” roared Smith.</p> - -<p>“Well, that was all it was worth,” remarked Mr. Choate, quietly.</p> - -<p>Another of these free advice fellows detained the author at the -post-office last week, and very patronizingly asked,—</p> - -<p>“What would you take for a code id de ed, docdor?”</p> - -<p>“Take? take two pocket handkerchiefs,” was the cheap prescription for a -cheap patient.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_729" id="Page_729">[Pg 729]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Ingrates.</span></p> - -<p class="poem">“What, then! doth Charity fail?<br /> -Is Faith of no avail?<br /> -Is Hope blown out like a light<br /> -By a gust of wind in the night?<br /> -The clashing of creeds, and the strife<br /> -Of the many beliefs, that in vain<br /> -Perplex man’s heart and brain,<br /> -Are nought but the rustle of leaves,<br /> -When the breath of God upheaves<br /> -The boughs of the Tree of Life,<br /> -And they subside again!<br /> -And I remember still<br /> -The words, and from whom they came,<br /> -Not he that repeateth the name,<br /> -But he that doeth the will!”</p> - -<p>“Of all men, the physician is most likely to discover the leading traits -of character in his fellow-beings; on no other condition than that of -sickness do they present themselves without those guards upon the -countenance and tongue that an artificial mode of life has rendered almost -indispensable to their existence; in city life, more especially.”</p> - -<p>“The confiding patient often hangs, as it were, with an oppressive weight -upon the conscientious physician, and if he be afflicted with a generous, -sympathizing soul, farewell to his happiness. His heart will bleed for -distress, both bodily and pecuniary, that he cannot alleviate, and he -gives up in despair a profession which will so severely tax his nervous -system as to render the best medical talent comparatively useless....</p> - -<p>“Those who speak of the gratitude of the low Catholic Irish in this (New -York) city, or any other city, as they present their true characters to -the young practitioner, will find but one opinion,—a more improvident, -heartless, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_730" id="Page_730">[Pg 730]</a></span> dishonest class of people never defiled the fair face of -the earth. They are indeed a bitter curse to the young and humane -physician.”</p> - -<p>And this from the pen of one of the most noble and humane physicians of -the great metropolis, whose generosity forbids him ever to refuse a visit, -day or night, to the distressed, even amongst the lowest of the class he -so bitterly condemns. The above is the experience of other physicians -besides Dr. Dixon, and in other cities besides New York.</p> - -<p>During my days of extreme poverty in H., an Irish woman, whose child, -suffering with cholera infantum, I snatched from the very jaws of death, -cheated me out of my fees, when I afterwards learned that she owned two -tenements, and had money in the Savings Bank.</p> - -<p>While I was practising in H., one cold winter’s night, an Irishman came -for me to go to Front Street, as a man had fallen down stairs, and was -“kilt intirely.”</p> - -<p>“Then it is Mr. Roberts, the undertaker, whom you want,” I replied.</p> - -<p>“O, no, he isn’t kilt intirely, but broke his arrum, doctor.”</p> - -<p>Therefore I drew on my boots, took my hat and case, and was soon at the -designated number. A drunken row, as usual. It was near midnight, Saturday -night. A big, burly fellow lay on the bed in a large front room, -surrounded by a dozen men and women, nearly all drunk, except the patient. -His arm was dislocated at the shoulder downward. I drew off my coat, -jumped upon the bed, set the man up, raised the limb, clapped my knee -under the limb, raised the arm, and using it for a lever, the bone snapped -into the socket as quickly as I am telling the story.</p> - -<p>“Ah, that gives me aise; ah, God bless you, docther. How mooch is the -damage? Get the wallet, woman, and let me pay the good docther,” said the -grateful patient. “How mooch? Say it asy, noo.”</p> - -<p>“Two dollars.” A very modest fee for such a job at midnight.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_731" id="Page_731">[Pg 731]</a></span>“O, the divil!” cried the woman. “And is it two dollars for the snap of a -job likes to that, noo, ye’ll be axin’ a poor man?”</p> - -<p>I made no reply. The man asked for the money.</p> - -<p>“Will yeze be axin’ that much?” asked a six and a half foot Irishman who -stood by the opposite side of the bed.</p> - -<p>“Do you have to pay the bill, sir?” I demanded.</p> - -<p>“Noo,” he replied.</p> - -<p>“Then mind your own business,” I exclaimed, with a clincher, and a flash -of the eyes that somehow caused him to cower like the miserable drunken -coward he was, amid the laughs and jeers of the bystanders.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 242px;"><img src="images/img234.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">MY FRONT STREET PATIENT.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>“There, take the money,” said the woman (boarding mistress). “Dr. B. would -come ferninst the railroad over for half of it, he would,” she added.</p> - -<p>“Woman,” said I, “when next any of your kind want a doctor, do you go -ferninst the railroad for Dr. B.” (I knew she lied), “and get him for a -dollar. As for me, <i>I never, for love or money, will come to your call -again</i>.”</p> - -<p>I never heard of money enough to induce me to visit Front or Charles -Street after that night, and I have seen<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_732" id="Page_732">[Pg 732]</a></span> some anxious faces looking about -for a doctor, in case of emergency, in that locality.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Saving at the Spigot, and wasting at the Bung.</span>”</p> - -<p>Again, there is a class in every city who, to avoid a physician’s fee, go -to an apothecary, briefly and imperfectly state their case, perhaps to a -green clerk, or a proprietor who is as ignorant of the pathology of the -disease as the miserable applicant; and who ever knew of a druggist too -ignorant to prescribe for a case over the counter? The result is often the -administration of harsh remedies, which aggravate the present, or produce -some other disease worse than the original, and in the end the patient is -obliged to seek the advice of a physician.</p> - -<p>Now the patient is ashamed to tell the whole truth, the doctor has yet to -learn what drugs are rankling in the system, and the disease is often -protracted thereby ten times as long as it need have been, had the man at -the outset sought the advice of a respectable physician. This is an -every-day occurrence. I knew a young man who recently went into -consumption from having a comparatively simple case prolonged by this -apotheco-medical interference.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Shopping Patients.</span></p> - -<p>“A queer kind of patients!” you exclaim.</p> - -<p>Yes, very queer. One class of them go round from office to office, to -“just inquire about a friend” (themselves), “if they could be cured,” how -long it would require, and, ten to one, even ask what medicines “you would -give for such a case.”</p> - -<p>Such persons, if females, usually come into the city for the double -purpose of seeing a doctor, or a dozen, and shopping,—doing the shopping -first; tramping from one end of the city to the other, visiting the doctor -last, with bundles and boxes by the score, “in a great hurry; must<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_733" id="Page_733">[Pg 733]</a></span> catch -a certain train; all tired out;” making the opportunity for diagnosis an -unfavorable one, and not unusually asking the doctor—a stranger, -perhaps—to trust them till they come again.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 416px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img235.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A SHOPPING PATIENT.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Whoever “<span class="smcap">O. Shaw</span>” may be, he knows a thing or two. Hear him.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">An Affectionate Wife.</span></p> - -<p>A poor mechanic, three weeks after marriage, was addressed by his wife -thus:—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_734" id="Page_734">[Pg 734]</a></span>“Harry, don’t you think a new silk dress would become my beauty?”</p> - -<p>He answered affirmatively, of course, and promised that when his present -job was completed, which would be in about a fortnight, the necessary -stamps would be forthcoming, and that she might then array her loveliness -in the wished-for dress. The affectionate wife kissed him, and thus -rewarded his generosity. Three days afterwards the man met with an -accident, and was brought home on a shutter, and it was evident that for -weeks he would be confined to his bed. On beholding him, his wife gave -vent to repeated outbursts of agony, as an affectionate woman should, -considering the cause. This touched the unfortunate man, and he said, -consolingly,—</p> - -<p>“Dry your tears, dear Nettie; I’ll be all right again in a few weeks.”</p> - -<p>“Perhaps you may,” she answered; “but all your earnings for a long time -after you resume work will be required to pay your doctor’s bill, and you -won’t be able to get me <i>that new silk dress</i>.”—<span class="smcap">O. Shaw.</span></p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A sensible Prescription.</span></p> - -<p>A doctor up town recently gave the following prescription for a lady: “A -new bonnet, a cashmere shawl, and a new pair of gaiter boots.” The lady, -it is needless to say, has entirely recovered.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Rum and Tobacco Patients.</span></p> - -<p>Then there is a large class,—men, mostly; males, at least,—who, having -spent all their substance and much of their health in excess of -tobacco-using and whiskey-drinking, apply to the physician for aid, “in -charity, for God’s sake,” as they have nothing with which to pay him, and -usually a numerous family dependent upon their miserable labor for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_735" id="Page_735">[Pg 735]</a></span> -sustenance. Woe to the physician who gets a reputation for benevolence at -this day and generation of “cheek.”</p> - -<p>“Doctor, I hope you <i>will</i> do something for my distress,” said a -gentlemanly-dressed individual, not many months ago. “I have but sixteen -cents in my pocket, and I owe for four weeks’ board, and am out of -employment.” He was a play actor. Could I say no to so honest a statement -of his low state of finance? I treated him faithfully, without a penny.</p> - -<p>Not many weeks afterwards I knew of his going away and stopping two days -at a hotel with a strange woman.</p> - -<p>Still there are others who are quite able, but who think it no sin to -cheat a doctor by misrepresenting their inability to pay. They work upon -the sympathies of the benevolent doctor; they “would willingly pay a -hundred dollars, if they had it,” etc.; and thus slip off without -compensating him for his services. Every physician knows that I have not -overstated the above.</p> - -<p>There is also a large class of patients, with whom, like the “old clo’ -Jew,” wisdom, brain work, advice, go for nothing. You must represent their -case as perfectly fearful, and do something perfectly awful for them, or -you are of no account.</p> - -<p>Selden, who understood these failings in mankind vastly well, gives them a -sly hit in his “Table Talk.” If a man had a sore leg, and he should go to -an honest, judicious surgeon, and he should only bid him keep it warm, and -anoint it with such an oil (an oil well known), that would do the cure, -haply he would not much regard him, because he knows the medicine to be an -ordinary one. But if he should go to a surgeon that should tell him, “Your -leg will gangrene within three days, and it must be cut off; and you will -die unless you do something that I could tell you,” what listening there -would be to this man!</p> - -<p>“O, for the Lord’s sake, tell me what this is; I will give you any content -for your pains.”</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_736" id="Page_736">[Pg 736]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Physician’s Widow and Orphan.</span></p> - -<p class="center">Scenes from “Practice of a New York Surgeon.”</p> - -<p>I have abridged the following truthful story from the above work, which -book I recommend to the perusal of all lovers of moral and entertaining -literature.</p> - -<p><i>The Summons.</i>—The experienced physician knows, from the sound of the -door bell, whether it is the representative of wealth or penury who is -outside at the bell-pull.</p> - -<p>The doctor opened the door to the <i>timid</i> summons.</p> - -<p>“Will you please come and see my mother?” asked a little delicate and -thinly-dressed girl. “She has been very ill for nearly a year, and I’m -afraid she’s going to die.” The poor little heart was swelling with grief.</p> - -<p>Almost ashamed as I donned my heavy coat, for the night was bitter cold, -and the shivering little girl pattered after me with her well-worn shoes -and scanty dress, I hurried along to the abode of poverty.</p> - -<p><i>The Tenement.</i>—The faint rays of a candle issuing from an upper window -of one of those wretched wooden buildings, guided us to the invalid’s -tenement, and as we approached the house the little girl ran ahead of me, -and stood shivering in the doorway, while I carefully walked up the -rickety steps.</p> - -<p>Poor as the tenement was, its cleanliness was noticeable, from the fact -that it was isolated from the loathsome Irish neighbors, whose superior -means and brutal habits allowed them to occupy the lower and more -accessible apartments almost in common with the swine which are fed from -their very doorsteps.</p> - -<p><i>The Invalid.</i>—A violent paroxysm of coughing had just seized the lady, -and I waited some moments before I could observe her features. She had -surely seen better days. There were about her and the little apartment -evidences of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_737" id="Page_737">[Pg 737]</a></span> refinement, from her own tidy person to the little sweet -rosebush in full bloom, and the faultless white board, and the scanty, -though snowy curtains that shaded the attic window, which produced a -melancholy effect upon me, which was not lessened when good breeding -required me to address my patient.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 450px; height: 421px;"><img src="images/img236.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">CALL AT THE TENEMENT.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Her countenance had evidently been beautiful; an immense mass of auburn -hair, such as Titian loved to paint, yet shaded her brow; the eyes were -large and lustrous; the nose was slightly aquiline, the lips thin; and -every feature bespoke the woman of a highly refined and intellectual -nature. When her gaze met mine for an instant, I felt that pity was -misplaced in the emotions which swelled my heart,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_738" id="Page_738">[Pg 738]</a></span> for the lofty dignity, -almost <i>hauteur</i>, in that look, would have become an empress in reduced -circumstances.</p> - -<p>“Go, dearest, to your little bed, and close the door, my love,” she said, -turning to the child.</p> - -<p>The girl lingered an instant. I stood between the dying mother and her -child. I turned aside whilst their lips met in that holy kiss that a dying -mother only can give, ay, and a prayer that she alone can breathe.</p> - -<p>When the little creature had withdrawn, by a narrow door scarcely -distinguishable from the rest of the rough, whitewashed boards that -divided her little closet from the main room, the mother turned her -earnest gaze upon me, and said,—</p> - -<p>“I have troubled you, doctor, not with the view of taxing your kindness to -any extent, but to ask how long I may yet linger,”—placing her hand on -her wasted bosom,—“depending for every service upon that little fragile -creature, for whom alone I have, I fear, a selfish desire to live.”</p> - -<p>I could not answer immediately. My heart was too full. I had recognized -the dreadful malady at a glance. She was far gone with consumption.</p> - -<p>“I have a duty to perform, connected with her, that depends upon your -answer—one that I have selfishly, alas! too long deferred.”</p> - -<p class="center"><strong><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span></strong></p> - -<p>As I arose to take my departure, she requested me to open the door to the -little chamber. I did so, and there lay the poor, pale child, with her -clothes unremoved. Merciful God! an infant watching its dying mother, a -refined, delicate and intellectual woman, the wife of an educated -physician, in a wretched tenement, surrounded by palaces!</p> - -<p><i>How they lived.</i>—O, my God, what a discovery was made on my next visit, -the following morning! Then I saw what had before excited my curiosity, -viz., the manner in which my patient contrived to support herself and -child,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_739" id="Page_739">[Pg 739]</a></span> for I was quite sure that she would never condescend to beg.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img237.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE WIDOW AT WORK.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>I had observed, during my visit the previous evening, a very large -package, tied up in commercial form, and by its side a large square board. -The widow was now sitting up in bed, propped up with some coarse straw -pillows, her cheeks burning with hectic, and the square board resting upon -a couple of cross-pieces to keep it from her wasted limbs, and she and the -child were at work putting up soda and seidlitz powders. Several dozen -boxes had been filled during the morning, placed in envelopes, and -labelled.</p> - -<p>“’Tis the lot of humanity to labor,” she said, when I had detected her at -the task which taxed the last mite of her remaining strength, and I stood -horrified looking on; “and why should I be exempt?” she asked, actually -smiling gracefully.</p> - -<p>I removed the board, but allowed the girl to resume her work by the little -table near, saying that her remark was applicable only to those able to -labor. She assured me that their contracted circumstances had “compelled -her to make this exhibition of her industry.”</p> - -<p><i>Her History.</i>—Twelve years before, this beautiful and refined lady had -left a home of wealth and affluence to share the fortunes of her husband, -Dr. ——, who was worthy of all the love that a pure and affectionate -woman could bestow. He struggled on manfully and hopefully against -misfortune until two years ago....</p> - -<p>I had once met her husband. It was under the following circumstances. A -child had been run over, and much <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_740" id="Page_740">[Pg 740]</a></span>injured. I was called, but found, on my -arrival, that this young doctor had been before me, and done all that was -required; but the gentleman whose duty it was said if I would attend the -case he would pay all charges, and the young physician, on learning this -fact on the next visit, retired in my favor. That evening I called at his -office, and insisted upon his accepting one half of the fees which I knew -I should receive. He hesitatingly accepted, after much persuasion on my -part; and I remember that it was my impression at the time that he was -excessively proud.</p> - -<p>Now, the poor wife informed me that, at the time, their means were -entirely exhausted, and when he came home that evening with a large basket -of necessaries, and some little delicacies to which they had long been -unaccustomed, and upon her expressing her astonishment, he <i>sat down and -wept like a child</i>.</p> - -<p>“Great God,” he cried, in agony of soul, “why did I take you from your -father’s house, where you had plenty? What a reward for devoting the -flower of life to such a profession! To hear a wife, and the mother of my -child, expressing astonishment and joy at the unwonted sight of the very -necessaries of life!”</p> - -<p>It was only when the note-books and manuscripts of this truly meritorious -and unfortunate young man fell into my hands, that I discovered what a -loss his family and the profession had sustained.</p> - -<p>He was too proud to ask assistance. Even in his fatal sickness, he -continued, until a late period, to decline medical treatment, rather than -expose his poverty to his brethren. Finally he became known to Dr. ——, -who devoted his time and purse to him until he died. That season Dr. —— -died also.</p> - -<p>After his death, the lady with her child had removed to these miserable -quarters. The needle, and coloring of prints, had sustained them both for -a year, when, finding it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_741" id="Page_741">[Pg 741]</a></span> impossible, with her failing health, to earn a -living at that employment, she resumed the one by which her noble husband -had been compelled to eke out his miserable income,—putting up seidlitz -powders,—in order to sustain them.</p> - -<p>Often, she told me, had she sat by his side till late in the night reading -to him, whilst he plied his fingers industriously at this employment, so -utterly repulsive to an intellectual man; and when she would beg him to -retire, he would often cheerfully obey the summons to an all-night visit -to some wretched and dishonest Irishman—who could not get the service of -a more knowing (pecuniarily) physician without an advanced fee—in the -remote hope of obtaining a few dollars, which his refinement taught these -wretchedly dishonest people they had only to refuse, as they almost -invariably do, in order to escape entirely the obligation! This is the -gratitude (!) of which we have spoken before. It was whilst attending one -of these miserable people that he imbibed the fatal disease which swept -him from the earth, and left his poor wife and child to struggle on alone -in their cheerless journey.</p> - -<p>It is needless to say that from the time of the visits of the benevolent -physician, the widow wanted for nothing that earth could bestow, to the -day of her death, which soon occurred; else she would have died at her -task!</p> - -<p><i>The Unnatural Father.</i>—On the fifth day, evening, a man entered my -office and inquired for me. He was plainly dressed in black, and possessed -one of those hard, immovable countenances which admit of no particular -definition.</p> - -<p>“I received a letter from you relative to my daughter.”</p> - -<p>This was said in such a perfectly business-like manner, without the least -emotion, that I was shocked, and my countenance must have expressed my -astonishment, for he immediately added,—</p> - -<p>“A sad business, my dear sir. Well, well, I will not detain you. The -corpse is here?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_742" id="Page_742">[Pg 742]</a></span>“No, sir. I will accompany you to the late abode of your daughter.” I was -glad that she had not been removed; I thought it might do his moral nature -some good to see the condition to which his unnatural conduct had brought -her.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img238.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE PHYSICIAN AND THE FATHER.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Not a muscle of his countenance changed, as we ascended the wretched -steps. The watcher admitted us to the poor, low room, and handing him a -letter from my pocket, I said, “These are your daughter’s last words to -you, which she intrusted to my keeping for you. I will not intrude upon -your privacy, but will await you at my office;” and bowing, I retired, -leaving him beside the corpse of his neglected child.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_743" id="Page_743">[Pg 743]</a></span>In less than fifteen minutes he returned, and, without any allusion to the -event, thanked me for my attentions, declining a chair, saying,—</p> - -<p>“You will please make out your bill. I wish to be ready to start early in -the morning, and take the corpse with me.” He inquired for the address of -an undertaker, and the present abode of <i>her</i> child!</p> - -<p>I stood speechless! He was an anomaly. I measured him with my eyes; he -cast his own for an instant to the floor, and then said,—</p> - -<p>“My business habits, I fear, shock you, sir. I have been in a hurry all my -life. I have never had time to think. I owe you an apology, sir—pardon -me.”</p> - -<p>I thought of the future fate of the poor child, and I must acknowledge I -hypocritically, for once in my adult life, took the <i>hand of the man I -totally despised</i>, as I asked him mildly if his daughter had not requested -to be buried by the side of her husband, whom she loved so well.</p> - -<p>“No, sir,” he sharply replied; “his name was not mentioned in the letter; -very properly too. I had no respect for him, sir, none whatever; nor -should I have acceded to such, had she made the request.”</p> - -<p>I gave him the address of the grandchild, and also an undertaker’s.</p> - -<p>“I am much obliged to you,” he said, hurriedly. “I will trouble you no -further. I will send for the bill in the morning. Good evening, sir.”</p> - -<p>I wanted the man (<i>brute!</i>) to love the poor little orphan, his -grandchild, and that night I prepared a letter—instead of a bill—which I -hoped would benefit him, without aggravating his feelings towards her. I -said that I deemed such a privilege a sacred one, not to be soiled by a -pecuniary return. I said other things to him, in the note, which I need -not repeat. Near spring, in a kind, almost affectionate letter, he -announced to me the death of his grandchild. She had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_744" id="Page_744">[Pg 744]</a></span> fulfilled her -mission. She had greatly subdued his nature by her lovely character....</p> - -<p>I learned that the remains of Dr. —— were afterwards interred by the -side of his wife and child, and I received but lately the assurance that -the wretched father, before his death, admitted that money was not the -chief good.</p> - -<p>Thus perished a noble physician, a devoted wife, and their lovely -offspring, because of the selfish ingratitude of one to whom they were and -still might have been an inestimable blessing.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Physician.</span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p>“Honor a physician with the honor due unto him, for the uses which ye -may have of him: for the Lord hath created him; for of the Most High -cometh healing, and he shall receive honor of the king. The skill of -the physician shall lift up his head: and in the sight of great men he -shall be in admiration.”—<i>Ecclesiasticus</i> xxxviii.</p></div> - -<p>If there is one class of men in the world who deserves the gratitude of -their fellow-creatures above another, it is the physicians. By physician I -mean not him who alone can theorize garrulously upon anatomy and -physiology, chemistry and therapeutics, but who can render assistance, in -time of need, to the sick and distressed. In ancient days physicians were -reckoned “as the gods.” I much wonder, as I turn the leaves of the -Testament, at the abuse heaped upon the Saviour; for he went about healing -the sick, and casting out devils (evil diseases). Surely society was at a -very low ebb in those times.</p> - -<p>Who has greater, firmer friends than the physician! The good physician is -sure to prosper. Certainly “envy increases in exact proportion with fame; -the man who is successful in his undertakings, and builds up a character, -makes enemies, and calls forth swarms of stinging, peevish, biting -insects, just as the sunshine awakens the world of flies;” but the true -physician, having the desire at heart to benefit his <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_745" id="Page_745">[Pg 745]</a></span>fellow-creatures, is -strong, is beloved, is blessed! He calls forth hosts of friends on every -side, just as the pure morning air calls fragrance from every lovely -flower. Would you have the prayers and blessing of the good? then</p> - -<p class="poem">“Go to the pillow of disease,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Where night gives no repose,</span><br /> -And on the cheek where sickness preys<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Bid health to plant the rose.</span><br /> -Go where the sufferer ready lies<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To perish in his doom,</span><br /> -Snatch from the grave his closing eyes,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And bring a blessing home.”</span></p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Peter-Funk Doctor.</span></p> - -<p>One day, passing up Washington Street, Boston, I detected a familiar voice -issuing from a store, on the window-panes of which lately vacated premises -was pasted “Removal,” and, looking in, I saw a man mounted on a box -selling a pinchbeck watch. The place <i>looked</i> a deal like a New York -Peter-Funk shop. However that may have been, I recognized the hired -auctioneer as once having been a medical practitioner. He was a graduate -of C—— Medical College. Owing to his honesty and lack of acquisitiveness -among dishonest and niggardly creatures in ——, whom he faithfully served -in his earlier efforts at his profession, he was <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_746" id="Page_746">[Pg 746]</a></span>compelled to resort to -other means of gaining a support for himself and family, and finally was -reduced to clerking and selling goods for those whose business tact -exceeded his own.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="bbox" style="width: 328px; height: 450px;"><img src="images/img239.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE PETER-FUNK PHYSICIAN.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Selling Out.</span></p> - -<p>Everybody has heard of Leavitt, the dry little joker, the humorous and -popular auctioneer of Hartford, who sells everybody, and everything, from -a riddled sauce-pan to a nine-acre lot in the suburbs.</p> - -<p>One fine day he was selling, in front of the State House, a various -collection of articles, with a lot of ancient and modern household -furniture and traps that would have made Mrs. Toodles happy for a six -months, and was “looking sharp” for some one to help him over a tough -place on an odd lot, when he discovered in the crowd a pleasant, open, -upturned countenance,—a sort of oasis in the desert,—to whom he at once -appealed for assistance. A knowing wink from young rusticus was the -response, a return from the auctioneer, and the bids went on with -astonishing rapidity, till down went a big lot of goods, which everybody -seemed to have wanted—a truckle-bed and fixings, with earthen ware, etc.</p> - -<p>“Yours, sir—what’s your name?” said L. to the young man from the -agricultural district.</p> - -<p>“Mine? O, no; I didn’t bid on ’em,” said rustic.</p> - -<p>“Yes, you did,” replied the auctioneer.</p> - -<p>“Well, I guess not, much.”</p> - -<p>“But you did—the whole lot. You winked every time I looked towards you.”</p> - -<p>“Winked?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, and kept winking; and a wink is a bid always,” said L., the least -taken aback at the prospect of losing a good sale.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_747" id="Page_747">[Pg 747]</a></span>“Wal—as for that—so did you keep winkin’ at me. I thought you was -winkin’ as much as to say, ‘Keep dark; I’ll stick somebody onto this lot -of stuff;’ and I kept winkin’ back, as if to reply, ‘Well, I’ll be hanged -if you don’t, mister.’”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img240.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_748" id="Page_748">[Pg 748]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXXI" id="XXXI"></a>XXXI.</h2> -<p class="title">“THIS IS FOR YOUR HEALTH.”</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>“Like leaves on trees the race of man is found,<br /> -Now green in youth, now withering on the ground;<br /> -Another race the following spring supplies;<br /> -They fall successive, and successive rise;<br /> -So generations in their course decay,<br /> -So flourish these when those have passed away.”</td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>THE INESTIMABLE VALUE OF HEALTH.—NO BLESSING IN COMPARISON.—MEN AND -SWINE.—BEGIN WITH THE INFANT.—“BABY ON THE PORCH.”—IN A STRAIT -JACKET.—“TWO LITTLE SHOES.”—YOUTH.—IMPURE LITERATURE AND -PASSIONS.—“OUR GIRLS.”—BARE ARMS AND BUSTS.—HOW AND WHAT WE -BREATHE.—“THE FREEDOM OF THE STREET.”—KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND MOUTH -CLOSED.—THE LUNGS AND BREATHING.—A MAN FULL OF HOLES.—SEVEN MILLION -MOUTHS TO FEED.—PURE WATER.—CLEANLINESS.—SOAP VS. WRINKLES.—GOD’S SUNSHINE.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Health is above all Things.</span></p> - -<p>Health is that which makes our meat and drink both savory and pleasant, -else Nature’s injunction of eating and drinking were a hard task and a -slavish custom. It makes our beds lie easy and our sleep sweet and -refreshing. It renews our strength with the morning’s sun, and makes us -cheerful at the light of another day. It makes the soul take delight in -her mansion and pleasures, a pleasure indeed, without which we solace -ourselves in nothing of terrene felicity or enjoyment.—<i>Mainwaring.</i></p> - -<p>Without health there is no earthly blessing. In comparison with health all -other blessings dwindle into insignificance. Life is a burden to the -perpetual invalid, for whom the only solace is in the silent grave. Nor -can such always<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_749" id="Page_749">[Pg 749]</a></span> look forward with perfect confidence to rest even beyond -the dark portals of the tomb; for the infirm body is not unusually -attended by an enfeebled mind which often jeopardizes Hope:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“And Hope, like the rainbow of summer,<br /> -Gives a promise of Lethe at last.”</p> - -<p>If, then, health is so essential to our earthly happiness, and to our hope -of peace in immortality, O, let us who possess the boon strive to retain -it, and we who have it not seek diligently to regain that which is lost.</p> - -<p>The farmer does not consider it a compromise of his dignity to search out -the best modes and means for increasing the quality as well as the -quantity of his stock—his horses, his oxen, his sheep, and his -swine,—and is man, the most noble work of his Maker,—man, created but a -little below the angels,—is man an exception to this rule, that he should -cease to be the study of mankind? Is humanity below the animals?</p> - -<p>Mankind deteriorates while domesticated live stock improves.</p> - -<p>God has given us bodies formed in his own likeness, and has pronounced -them “good,” hence, not diseased; and it is evidently our most imperative -duty to regard it as a great gift, and preserve these bodies as the -inestimable boon of the Almighty.</p> - -<p>It is very evident that man has fallen far short of the requirements of -his Maker.</p> - -<p>From Adam to the flood—a space of time estimated at upwards of fifteen -hundred years, according to Hebrew chronographers—the average of man’s -years was nine hundred. From Noah to Jacob, by the same chronology, it had -dwindled to one hundred and forty-seven years. In the ninetieth psalm we -read, “The days of our years are threescore years and ten.” From actual -statistics it is shown to average now less than one fourth of threescore -and ten years.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_750" id="Page_750">[Pg 750]</a></span>And this fact in the face of civilization, enlightenment, and -Christianity! Why so? How shall we account for the evil?</p> - -<p>The Psalmist above quoted says further, “and if by reason of <i>strength</i> -they be fourscore years,” etc., which implies that strength prolongs, and -weakness—reversing the matter—shortens our days.</p> - -<p>Let us begin at the beginning.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">About the Babies.—How they are reared and how they should be.</span></p> - -<p class="poem"><span style="margin-left: 2em;">BABY ON THE PORCH.</span><br /> -Out on the porch, by the open door,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Sweet with roses and cool with shade,</span><br /> -Baby is creeping over the floor—<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Dear little winsome blue-eyed maid!</span><br /> -<br /> -All about her the shadows dance,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">All above her the roses swing,</span><br /> -Sunbeams in the lattice glance,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Robins up in the branches sing.</span><br /> -<br /> -Up at the blossoms her fingers reach,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Lisping her pleading in broken words,</span><br /> -Cooing away, in her tender speech,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Songs like the twitter of nestling birds.</span><br /> -<br /> -Creeping, creeping over the floor,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Soon my birdie will find her wings,</span><br /> -Fluttering out at the open door<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Into the wonderful world of things.</span><br /> -<br /> -Bloom of roses and balm of dew,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Brooks that bubble and winds that call,</span><br /> -All things lovely, and glad, and new,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And the Father watching us over it all!</span></p> - -<p>“Select the best sprouts for transplanting,” says the “Old Farmer’s -Almanac.” And here you have the whole root of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_751" id="Page_751">[Pg 751]</a></span> the matter in a nut shell; -for sickly-looking sprouts produce only sickly-looking plants. Like begets -like.</p> - -<p>Now, how about the babies? Women’s rights are advocated. Men take their -rights. But who shall defend the babies’ rights? Poor, helpless little -non-combatants! Let me say a few words in their behalf.</p> - -<p>Children, from the cradle, are wrongfully treated. Their first rights are -here curtailed. Look at the baby that is permitted to creep out “on the -porch,” or over nature’s green carpet, and there bask in the sunshine and -frolic in the open air; then look in pity upon the pale weekly house-plant -child. The contrast is as striking as lamentable.</p> - -<p>“O, he’ll get his death’s cold if the air blows upon him,” hysterically -screams the ignorant mother. Yes, “ignorant”—that is the adjective I want -to describe her.</p> - -<p>The young mother has doubtless been sent to a fashionable boarding-school, -where she was taught algebra, French, (?) the art of adornment, how to -walk fashionably, eat delicately, and dress <i>à la mode</i>, and even how to -make a good “catch,” but never how to preserve her health or rear an -offspring. O, this would be shockingly immodest, or “counting chickens -before they are hatched,” I once heard a lady affirm.</p> - -<p>Nine tenths of our American wives are totally ignorant of everything that -pertains to their own health, or that of the healthful rearing of an -infant.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Baby in a Strait Jacket.</span></p> - -<p>At first the infant is usually bound tightly in swaddling clothes, lest it -move a limb, or for fear (like the down east orator) that it will “bust,” -and thus kept from air and exercise the first year or two, till it not -unusually becomes a stunted, rickety thing, hardly worth “transplanting” -or raising. Haven’t you and I, kind reader, been subjected to something of -this sort of strait jacket insanity?—insanity of parents! And having been -tolerably strongly constituted from a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_752" id="Page_752">[Pg 752]</a></span> “tough stock,” we survived that -first wrong, whereas thousands of “nicer” babies have succumbed to the -swaddling and stifling process.</p> - -<p>This is wrong, all wrong. The infant should be left free, at least as to -its chest and limbs, in order to breathe, kick, and expand. How happy the -little fellows are at evening to get rid of the murderous clothes which -have been bundled about them all day, and how they will fight and squirm -to get down on the carpet all stripped, and creep, or, if old enough, run -about in freedom! How they crow and prattle!</p> - -<p>Now, don’t swaddle them—a simple, easy bandage is early admissible,—or -cover their heads and faces with caps, sheets, or blankets. Inure them to -the air early and continually, and they will have less colds and -“snuffles” than if you confined them within doors. Give them air and -sunlight, and away with your “goose-grease.” Yes, I have even known some -country people to apply skunk’s oil, and others who larded the infant’s -nose and chest for the “snuffles.” Croup delights in such babies!</p> - -<p>Then from the strait jacket, baby is taken to the other extreme—bare -arms, neck, and chest. Old Dr. Warren once said, “Boston sacrifices -hundreds of children annually by not clothing their arms and chests.” -Once, when in remonstrating with a mother against this barbarous practice -of thus exposing her little one-year-old to a chilling atmosphere when my -arms and chest were not over warm as wrapped in an overcoat, she replied -to me,—</p> - -<p>“O, the little dear looks so pretty with its little white arms and neck -all bare!”</p> - -<p>“Yes,” I replied, sorrowfully, “it will look pretty, also, laid out in its -coffin.”</p> - -<p>She was greatly shocked by the remark, which, however, too soon proved -true.</p> - -<p>“Doctor’s stuff” cannot counteract the fatal results of such ignorance and -exposures.</p> - -<p class="poem"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_753" id="Page_753">[Pg 753]</a></span> -<span style="margin-left: 4em;">TWO LITTLE SHOES.</span><br /> -Two little shoes laid away in the drawer,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Treasured so fondly—never to be worn;</span><br /> -Two little feet laid away in the tomb,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Cold and all lifeless—sadly we mourn.</span><br /> -What trifling things does not a mother keep,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Tokens of love the swelling heart to ease;</span><br /> -Useless little toys—a lock of golden hair;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Something to fondle—to cherish like these</span><br /> -Two little shoes laid away in the drawer,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Treasured so fondly, never to be worn!</span><br /> -<br /> -These little shoes are only left us now;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Gone is our “darling,” ever to remain;</span><br /> -Dear little feet, so plump and all dimpled,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Never will press them—never again!</span><br /> -But heavenly thoughts shall cheer me on my way:<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Death is but life, in fairer, sunnier view;</span><br /> -Busy little feet but just run on before;<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">This is my solace as my tears bedew</span><br /> -Two little shoes laid away in the drawer,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Treasured so fondly, never to be worn.</span></p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Impure Literature and Passions.</span></p> - -<p>It is as marvellous as true that some children survive this treatment; -besides the stuffing with meat victuals, candies, and cookies, inducing -colic and dysentery; then dosing with rhubarb, paregoric, peppermint, and -worse. Soothing syrups! Eternal quietuses! Yes, in spite of extremes of -heat and cold, stuffing and dosing with crude and poisonous articles, some -babies actually reach the next stage—youth!</p> - -<p>From chilled blood, indigestion, poisonous air and drugs, repeated attacks -of croup, bronchitis, dysentery, etc., the majority who have reached -puberty are afflicted by some scrofulous taint, or development, or broken -constitutions.</p> - -<p>Now, they have appetites and passions to grapple. We have already, in -chapter fifth, shown how the school-girl is cheated out of health by the -deprivation of her “rights,” among which are air, freedom, and exercise. -Here is <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_754" id="Page_754">[Pg 754]</a></span>another evil, which must not be passed over unnoticed. A New York -physician, who wields an abler pen than myself, thus expresses my ideas. -What he applies to females is not limited by copyright. Males, help -yourselves; it belongs to you quite as much as to the beautiful.</p> - -<p>“It sickens the heart to contemplate the education of female children in -this city.” (And let me add, in this country.) “Should nature even triumph -over all the evils above enumerated, no sooner has the poor girl attained -the age of puberty, than her mind and nervous system are placed upon the -rack of novel-reading and sentimental love stories. There is just enough -of truth in some of these mawkish productions to excite the passions and -distract the attention of the young girl from the love of nature and its -teachings, and all rational ideas of real life, and to cause her to -despise the commonplace parents whose every hour may be occupied for her -consideration and welfare.”</p> - -<p>This writer goes on to condemn those selfish, money-grasping wretches -“professors of religion, too,” in our city, who publish this impure and -overstrained literature, to the great injury of the morals of the young; -adding, “What language can be too strong for such disgusting hypocrisy? We -punish a poor wretch for the publication of an obscene book or print, and -give honor and preferment to those who instil poison into the minds of our -children by a book prepared with devilish ingenuity, and in every possible -style of attraction and excitement.</p> - -<p>“It is the premature excitement of the nervous and sexual system that -should be avoided. The licentious characters presented in all the glowing -tints of a depraved imagination cannot fail to injuriously affect the -youthful organism.”</p> - -<p>The dissolute and immoral characters whom we debar from the personal -friendship of our sons and daughters, whom we exclude from our parlors, -and even street recognition, are sugared over, and, between gilded covers, -passed freely into<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_755" id="Page_755">[Pg 755]</a></span> the <i>boudoirs</i>, school-rooms, and seminaries of our -children, for their companionship at their leisure. The vile characters in -person would be far less injurious, for in that case their hideousness -would the surer be revealed.</p> - -<p>“Nothing can be more certain than the production of these works of a -precocious evidence of puberty. The forces of the young heart and vascular -system are thus prematurely goaded into ephemeral action by the stimulus -of an imagination alternately moved to laughter, and tears, and sexual -passion.”</p> - -<p>Mr. Baxter, in Part 2, ch. xxi., direction 1, of his <i>Christian -Directory</i>, which is a direction for reading other books than the Bible, -says, “I pre-suppose that you keep the devil’s books out of your hands and -house. I mean cards, and idle tales, and play-books, and romances or -love-books, and false, bewitching stories, and the seducting books of -false teachers.... For where these are suffered to corrupt the mind, all -grave and useful writings are forestalled; and it is a wonder to see how -powerfully these poison the minds of children, and many other empty -heads.”</p> - -<p>It would astonish and shame some parents if they would take pains to look -over the books which are daily and nightly perused by their children. It -is not enough for you to know that such books were obtained from a “dear -friend,” or from a respectable publisher, or pious bookseller, or that -they are lawful publications. Parents and guardians, I pray you take -warning.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Our Girls.</span>”</p> - -<p>I want everybody, male and female, old and young, to read that most -excellent book, “Our Girls,” by Dr. Dio Lewis. It will do you good. For -humanity’s sake, and particularly for the benefit of females, I recommend -it. Lest some of my readers should not follow this advice, I want to tell -you what it says about</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_756" id="Page_756">[Pg 756]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Low Neck and Short Sleeves.</span></p> - -<p>“Many a modest woman appears at a party with her arms nude, and so much of -her chest exposed that you can see nearly half of the mammal glands. Many -a modest mother permits her daughters to make this model-artist exhibition -of themselves.</p> - -<p>“One beautiful woman said, in answer to my complaints, ‘You should not -look.’</p> - -<p>“‘But,’ I said, ‘do you not adjust your dress in this way on purpose to -give us a chance to look?’</p> - -<p>“She was greatly shocked at my way of putting it.</p> - -<p>“‘Well,’ I said, ‘this assurance is perfectly stunning. You strip -yourselves, go to a public party, parade yourselves for hours in a glare -of gas-light, saying to the crowd, “Look here, gentlemen,” and then you -are shocked because we put your unmistakable actions into words.’</p> - -<p>“In discussing this subject before an audience of ladies in this city -(Boston), the other evening, I said, ‘Ladies, suppose I had entered this -hall with my arms and bust bare; what would you have done? You would have -made a rush for the door, and, as you jostled against each other in -hurrying out, you would have exclaimed to each other, “O, the -unconscionable scallawag!” May I ask if it is not right that we should -demand of you as much modesty as you demand of us?’ But you exclaim, -‘Custom! it is the custom, and fashion is everything.’” Again the author -says,—</p> - -<p>“This exposure of the naked bosom before men belongs not to the highest -type of Christian civilization, but to those dark ages when women sought -nothing higher than the gratification of the passions of man, and were -content to be mere slaves and toys.</p> - -<p>“Boston contains its proportion of the refined women of the country. We -have here a few score of the old families, inheriting culture and wealth, -and who can take rank with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_757" id="Page_757">[Pg 757]</a></span> the best. A matron who knows their habits -assures me that she never saw a member of one of those families in ‘low -neck and short sleeves.’</p> - -<p>“In the future free and Christian America, the very dress of women will -proclaim a high, pure womanhood.... We shall then discard the costumes -devised by the dissolute capitals of Europe.</p> - -<p>“What a strange spectacle we witness in America to-day! Free, brave -American women hold out to the world the Bible of social, political, and -religious freedom, and anon we see them down on their knees, waiting the -arrival of the latest steamer from France, to learn how they may dress -their bodies for the next month.”</p> - -<p>Well, he does not censure ladies in the above manner all through; but yet, -in a most earnest and interesting way he divulges the most startling -truths, and even very young misses are delighted with the whole argument. -“Why, it’s just like a story,” exclaimed my twelve-year-old Katie on -reading it.</p> - -<p>What Dr. Lewis objects to on the score of immodesty, I also oppose on the -ground of unhealthfulness. The idea of preventing or curing the -laryngitis, or consumption, in a lady, when there is nothing but gauze, or -a bit of ribbon and a galvanized bosom pin, between her neck and the cold -and changeable atmosphere of the north or east, is ridiculously absurd. No -doctors or doctors’ pectorals can save such. “High necks,” warm flannels, -or make your wills.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">How and what we should breathe.</span></p> - -<p>It would disgust the reader if I should enter into the details of telling -him what people—respectable people, even, in nice houses—breathe over. -Air is life. The purer the air, the purer the life-stream that courses -through our hearts. You cannot get too much of it. Take it in freely. Have -only pure air in your houses, in your sleeping-rooms and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_758" id="Page_758">[Pg 758]</a></span> cellars. -Particularly see that the children have the freedom of the air, day and -night, at home, at school, everywhere. It is free—costs nothing!</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Freedom of the Street.</span></p> - -<p class="poem"><span style="margin-left: 2em;">“I dwell amid the city,</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And hear the flow of souls;</span><br /> -I do not hear the several contraries,<br /> -I do not hear the separate tone that rolls<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3em;">In art or speech.</span><br /> -<br /> -“For pomp or trade, for merry-make or folly,<br /> -I hear the confidence and sum of each,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And what is melancholy.</span><br /> -Thy voice is a complaint, O crowded city,<br /> -The blue sky covering thee, like God’s great pity.”</p> - -<p>“Heaven bless the freedom of the park,” has exclaimed a child of song; and -he might also have invoked the same blessing upon “the freedom of the -street.” The street is free to all; to high and low, young and old, rich -and poor. It recognizes no distinctions or castes; it is the very -expressiveness of democracy.</p> - -<p>The child of fashion, arrayed in silks, ribbons, and furbelows; the child -of penury and want, in rags, filth, and semi-nakedness; the shaver of -notes and the shaver of faces; the college professor and the chiffonier, -all mingle in common on the street. Now walking side by side, now brushing -past each other, now stopping to look at the same cause of excitement, now -each jostled into the gutter. No distinction in wealth, birth, or -intellect is recognized; no one dare attempt to restrict the freedom of -the thoroughfare, and none dare say to another, “Stand aside, for I am -better than thou.”</p> - -<p>The little boy trundles his hoop against the shins of the thoughtful -student; the little girl knocks the spectacles from the nose of the man of -science with her rope, while the preacher runs against an awning-post to -make way for a red-faced nurse with a willow carriage; the antiquated -apple woman, and the child with its huge chunk of bread and butter, sit -on the curb; the painter digs the end of his ladder rather uncomfortably -into some pursy old gentleman’s stomach; while the sweep, with the soot -trembling upon his eyelashes, strolls along as independently and leisurely -as the dandy in tights, and with the sweeter consciousness that he is -doing something for the public good.</p> - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_759" id="Page_759">[Pg 759]</a></span></p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img241.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">THE FREEDOM OF THE PARK.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_760" id="Page_760">[Pg 760]</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_761" id="Page_761">[Pg 761]</a></span>The street is a world in miniature, a Vanity Fair in motion, a shifting -panorama of society, painted with the pencil of folly and fancy. It is the -only plane upon which society, “the field which men sow thick with -friendships,” meets on a common level. It does not flaunt in aristocracy, -and never dares to be pretentious.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Keep your Eyes open and Mouths closed.</span>”</p> - -<p>There’s true philosophy in the above saying of a wise <i>savant</i>. But there -is more wisdom in the latter clause than he even dreamed of in his -philosophy.</p> - -<p>The Book informs us that God breathed the breath of life (air) into man’s -<i>nostrils</i>. Nothing is more injurious, save continually breathing foul -air, than the habit of breathing through the mouth. Keep the mouth closed. -A great many diseases of the teeth, mouth, throat, head, and lungs may be -traced directly to the pernicious and general habit of breathing with the -mouth open—inhaling and exhaling cold air directly into the mouth and -throat, inflaming and chilling the mucous membrane and the blood. The -nostrils are the only proper passages for the air to the lungs. Here are -filterers to exclude particles of dust and foreign matter, and various -ramifications, whereby the air is properly warmed before reaching the -lining of the throat and lungs. In infected air you are less injured, and -less liable to contract contagious diseases, when inhaling only through -the natural channel, the nostrils.</p> - -<p>I think it was Dr. Good, of London, who wrote a book on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_762" id="Page_762">[Pg 762]</a></span> the subject, -which Carlyle pronounced “a sane voice in a world of chaos.”</p> - -<p>George Catlin says he learned the secret of keeping the mouth closed while -among the North American Indians. They would not allow themselves or their -children to sleep with the mouth open (though their reasoning is -questionable), because the evil spirit would creep in them at night. Hence -the parent went around after the pappooses were asleep, and closed their -mouths. Pulmonary diseases are seldom found in the “close-mouthed.” Kant, -the philosopher, claims to have cured himself of consumption by this -discovery. Persons never snore except by breathing through the open mouth. -O, give us quiet, you snorers, by keeping your mouths shut, even at the -expense of “keeping your eyes open” to watch yourself, and thus deliver -the world from the disturbance of snoring.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Lungs.—Breathing.</span></p> - -<p>All that live, down even to vegetables and trees, breathe, <i>must</i> breathe, -in order to live; live in proportion as they breathe; begin life’s first -function with breathing, and end its last in their last breath. And -breathing is the <i>most important</i> function of life, from first to last, -because the grand stimulator and sustainer of all. Would you get and keep -warm when cold, breathe copiously, for this renews that carbonic -consumption all through the system which creates all animal warmth. Would -you cool off, and keep cool, in hot weather, deep, copious breathing will -burst open all those myriads of pores, each of which, by converting the -water in the system into insensible perspiration, casts out heat, and -refreshes mind and body. Would you labor long and hard, with intellect or -muscle, without exhaustion or injury, breathe abundantly; for breath is -the great re-invigorator of life and all its functions. Would you keep -well, breath is your great preventive of fevers, of consumption,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_763" id="Page_763">[Pg 763]</a></span> of “all -the ills that flesh is heir to.” Would you break up fevers, or colds, or -unload the system of morbid matter, or save both your constitution and -doctor’s fee, cover up warm, drink soft water—cold, if you have a robust -constitution sufficient to produce a reaction; if not, hot water should be -used. Then let in the fresh air, and breathe, breathe, breathe, just as -deep and much as possible, and in a few hours you can “forestall and -prevent” the worst attack of disease you ever will have; for this will -both unload disease at every pore of skin and lungs, and infuse into the -system that <i>vis animæ</i> which will both grapple in with and expel disease -in all its forms, and restore health, strength, and life.</p> - -<p>Nature has no panacea like it. <i>Try the experiment</i>, and it will -revolutionize your condition. And the longer you try, the more will it -regenerate your body and your mind. Even if you have the blues, deep -breathing will soon dispel them, especially if you add vigorous exercise. -Would you even put forth your greatest mental exertions in speaking or -writing, keep your lungs clear up to their fullest, liveliest action. -Would you even breathe forth your highest, holiest orisons of thanksgiving -and worship, deepening your inspiration of fresh air will likewise deepen -and quicken your <i>divine</i> inspiration. Nor can even bodily pleasures be -fully enjoyed except in and by copious breathing. In short, proper -breathing is the alpha and omega of all physical, and thereby of all -mental and moral function and enjoyment.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Man full of Holes.</span></p> - -<p>Yes, made of holes!</p> - -<p>A gentleman once told me a story, as follows. We were travelling on the -Ohio River, on board of a steamer.</p> - -<p>“You see that bank over opposite?”</p> - -<p>“Yes,” I replied.</p> - -<p>“Well, thereby hangs a little story. I always laugh<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_764" id="Page_764">[Pg 764]</a></span> when I think of it, -or pass the spot, which is often. A fellow sat looking at that spot, -watching the thousands of swallows that were continually flitting to and -fro, in and out of their nests, and laughing immoderately to himself. I -approached, and ventured to inquire the cause of his mirth, that I might -partake of it.</p> - -<p>“Well, you see that bank and all them nests? Well, one day I went down on -the boat and noticed them. When I came back, there had meantime been a -heavy rain storm which washed the bank away, and left the holes all -sticking out;” and the fellow continued to laugh as though he would split -himself, probably from the <i>idea</i> of the holes “sticking out.” I wondered -how he could see them if the bank around was washed away.</p> - -<p>Still the man full of holes is a fact. According to Krause, quoted in -Gray’s and Wilson’s works on anatomy, there are twenty-eight hundred -(2800) pores in the skin of the human body to the square inch; and the -number of square inches to an average-sized man is twenty-five hundred -(2500). This would give some <i>seven million pores in the whole body</i>. -These pores, or tubes, are one fourth of an inch in length; hence, the -entire length of them all is <i>twenty-eight miles</i>.</p> - -<p>That part of the skin is the healthiest which is the most exposed to the -air, as the face and hands. That part the most diseased from which the air -is most excluded, as the <i>feet</i>. Three fourths of all persons over -fourteen years of age have diseased feet; either corns, chilblains, or -diseased joints or nails.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Seven Million Mouths to Feed.</span></p> - -<p>These seven million mouths must be fed daily and hourly. Their food is -light and air. Man is not only fed and nourished through the portal of his -mouth, but through all the pores of his body, by drawing in nutriment from -the surrounding elements, even from the viewless air.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_765" id="Page_765">[Pg 765]</a></span>These little mouths also need moisture. This fact is revealed to the -senses through the medium of the nerves; for, how grateful to the dry, -parched skin, is a bath of cold water! or, if the blood is in a “low -state,”—impoverished by disease,—let it be a tepid bath. Let it feel -comfortable and grateful to the user. This is a good rule to direct you. -The little children love it—love to paddle and splash in it. If they cry -and fight against washing, it is usually because of the rudeness of the -operator, who, with brawny palm or rough sponge takes the child unawares, -nearly suffocating it, and briskly and rudely rubbing over the surface of -the tender face, regardless of such small obstructions as nose, chin, and -lips, and not unusually dashing a quantity of yellow soap suds into the -infantile eyes. The next time the little fellow is requested to be washed, -he, remembering the last <i>scouring</i>, naturally objects to a repetition of -the unpleasant process.</p> - -<p>As the nostrils inhale pure air beneficially, they also exhale impurities. -The pores also excrete, or throw off impurities. A healthy skin will throw -out, by the pores, from two to three pounds of impure matter every -twenty-four hours. To be sure a greater quantity of this impurity is a -vapory substance, yet that holds in solution solid particles of corrupt -matter, which greatly tend to clog the pores if left to obstruct free -perspiration.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Water.</span></p> - -<p>Then, aside from cooling and nourishing the skin and the system through -the pores, cleanliness and health demand oft and repeated ablutions of the -whole body. In order that the perspiration may be unobstructed, it is -absolutely necessary to wash the whole surface of the body in water, and -on account of the <i>acid</i> and oily substance collecting on the skin, using -a small quantity of alkali, as soap or soda in the water, and thus, by -good brisk rubbing, using the hand in preference to a cloth or sponge, -thoroughly cleansing the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_766" id="Page_766">[Pg 766]</a></span>little mouths referred to, else their action is -retarded and suspended. This should be done daily during the summer -season.</p> - -<p>This is a simple process, indispensable to health, and the unwashed can -hardly believe what beneficial results follow such a plain course, or know -the healthful influence or the comfort derived from a frequent use of pure -water.</p> - -<p>Those who bathe thus daily seldom take colds. During the winter, in cold -climates, weekly or semi-weekly bathing may suffice.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img242.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">“IT COSTS NOTHING.”</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>A statesman, in seeking an illustration of the difference between price -and value, very happily hit upon water, which costs nothing, and yet is of -inestimable worth. Water, next to air, is the most indispensable of all -the productions of nature. “Unlike most good things providentially -supplied for our use, it is hardly capable of abuse. The more common -danger to be feared is from too little, not too much, water.</p> - -<p>“Simple a thing, however, as it may be to quench the thirst from the -running stream, or the mountain spring, there are but few people who know -how to drink. Most people, in the eagerness of thirst, swallow with such -avidity the welcome draught, that they deluge their stomachs without -proportionately refreshing themselves. The slowly sipping of a single -goblet of water will do more to alleviate thirst than the sudden gulping -down of a gallon. It is more frequently the dryness of the mouth, during -hot weather, than the want of the system, which calls for the supply of -fluid. When larger quantities, moreover, are poured into the stomach than -are required, that organ becomes oppressed mechanically by the distention, -and the digestion is consequently weakened.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_767" id="Page_767">[Pg 767]</a></span>The prescribed ablutions of the Jews and Mohammedans have not only a -spiritual but a hygienic value. “The washing of the body not only whitens -the outside of the sepulchre, but purifies the internal organs, and renews -the spiritual man as well.... Hence, when the body becomes foul by the -retention of worn-out and corrupt material accumulated on the surface and -the interior of the structure, it becomes a cage suitable only for the -dwelling of unclean birds, and no others will descend and make their nests -therein. It is a vessel fitted to receive only the lower passions and -feelings of human nature.</p> - -<p>“Public bathing-houses are as important a means of grace as our poorly -ventilated churches, and many an unhappy soul would be brought nearer to -heaven by a judicious application of soap and water than he could be by -listening to a sermon about that of which he comprehends little and cares -less.”—<i>Rev. W. F. Evans’s “Mental Cure.”</i></p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Soap vs. Wrinkles.</span></p> - -<p>How much younger and fresher the wayworn traveller or the outdoor laborer -looks after a thorough washing of the face and hands only. Many who -complain of “bird’s claws” and wrinkles might murmur less if they made a -thorough use of warm water and “old brown windsor soap,” or better, the -true castile soap. Nearly all the soap sold at groceries for castile is -spurious. A good druggist will have the desired article, and for rough, -chapped skin nothing is better, not even glycerine.</p> - -<p>Then wash out the furrows of fine dirt that gather in the <i>little</i> -wrinkles, and it will surprise some folks to see how, thereby, they have -reduced the size of their wrinkles. It is like cleansing an old coat!</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">God’s Sunshine.</span></p> - -<p>Next to air and water in importance to health and happiness<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_768" id="Page_768">[Pg 768]</a></span> is sunlight. -O, “let there be light” in your houses, that there may be light in your -hearts also!</p> - -<p>Our houses should be so constructed and located that the sun may shine -into every room some time during the day. Too many build houses and live -in the rear. The hall and large parlors are usually situated in front, to -the south or west, throwing the sitting, dining, and -working-room—kitchen—in the shade. Let the cheering, life-giving -influences of God’s dear blessed sunshine flood the working, sitting, and, -particularly, the sleeping rooms. He or she who sleeps in a room from -which the sunshine is totally excluded will be pale, weak, tired, and die -prematurely of consumption. Try a plant in such a room. It soon turns pale -and sickly. Just so your children and yourself. I have such patients -daily. Medicine cannot substitute sunshine.</p> - -<p>Throw open the blinds, dash aside the curtains, and let in the light and -sunshine to your homes and hearts. Never mind the carpets; they may be -replaced, but you and your children, never! Save your health, if <i>you ruin -an old carpet in so doing</i>!</p> - -<p>Cholera, dysentery, scrofula, nervous diseases, and consumption prevail -more extensively in narrow and darkened, as also in the shady side of -streets; also in darkened prisons and hospitals.</p> - -<p>A heavy heart walks in dark and cheerless apartments. The cheerful, happy -man, the joyous, contented wife, the beautiful, healthy children, dwell -and rejoice in homes where flows full and free the pure air and the -life-keeping, health-giving sunshine.</p> - -<p>Christianity is more likely to take up its abode with the latter. There -only green leaves and beautiful flowers can gladden the sight and -exhilarate the senses.</p> - -<p>Air, water, sunlight! “These three.” Don’t neglect them. So shall you live -long, live healthy, and at last die happily!</p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_769" id="Page_769">[Pg 769]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXXII" id="XXXII"></a>XXXII.</h2> -<p class="title">HEALTH WITHOUT MEDICINE.</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td>How shall I stay life’s sunny hours?<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For though the summer skies are clear,</span><br /> -Foreboding thoughts steal o’er my heart,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And autumn sounds oppress my ear.</span><br /> -While heart with hope beats warm and high,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And pleasures drink in summer bowers,</span><br /> -I know that autumn frosts will come—<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">How shall I stay life’s sunny hours?</span></td></tr></table> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>CHEERFULNESS.—GOOD ADVICE.—REV. FRANCIS J. COLLIER ON CHRISTIAN -CHEERFULNESS.—WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT IT.—WHINING.—LOVE AND -HEALTH.—AFFECTION AND PERFECTION.—SEPARATING THE SHEEP AND -GOATS.—THE FENCES UP AND FENCES DOWN.—SIXTEEN AND SIXTY.—ACTION AND -IDLENESS.—IDLENESS AND CRIME.—BEAUTY AND DEVELOPMENT.—SLEEP.—DAY -AND NIGHT.—“WHAT SHALL WE EAT?”—A STOMACH-MILL AND A -STEWING-PAN.—“FIVE MINUTES FOR REFRESHMENTS.”—ANCIENT DIET.—COOKS -IN A “STEW.”—THE GREEN-GROCERIES OF THE CLASSICS.—CABBAGES AND -ARTICHOKES.—ANIMAL AND VEGETABLE DIET.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Cheerfulness.</span></p> - -<p>I place cheerfulness next, in the catalogue of essentials to long life and -happiness; before “diet,” for, unless a man eats cheerfully, nothing will -agree with him; and if he be constantly cheerful, nothing that he eats -will injure him.</p> - -<p>“How shall I be cheerful when all the world goes wrong with me?” asks the -diseased and despondent man or woman.</p> - -<p>Put on cheerfulness as a garment. Assume it. Try my suggestion. Use a -little hypocrisy with yourself. Go before your glass, if necessary, and -assume a cheerful <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_770" id="Page_770">[Pg 770]</a></span>countenance. Keep it up, and before long you will be -astonished to find that Mr. Melancholy don’t like it, and begins to -withdraw his sombre person. Keep on “keeping it up,” and the most happy -results will soon follow your exertions.</p> - -<p>Try the reverse, and melancholy will return. This is cheap medicine. -“℞—A cheerful face, taken daily, feasting.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Christian Cheerfulness.</span></p> - -<p>The following prize essay was written by Rev. Francis J. Collier:—</p> - -<p>“<i>Cheerfulness as a Medicine.</i>—Perhaps nothing has a greater tendency to -cast gloom over the spirit than <i>disease</i>. The mind sympathizes with the -body as much as the body with the mind. Their union is so intimate, so -delicate, so sensitive, that what affects the one necessarily affects the -other. Each to a certain degree determines the other’s condition. If the -mind is joyful, its emotion is betrayed by the expression of the body. ‘A -merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance.’ But if the body is injured, or -the physical system deranged, the mind at once suffers, and forthwith -droops into sadness. It becomes, therefore, your Christian duty, if you -have health, to study the laws of your physical being; to compel yourself -both to labor and to rest; to avoid unnecessary risks or exposure; to -abstain from injurious indulgences; to be prudent, temperate, chaste, and, -by every proper means, to try to preserve what is so essential to your -spiritual comfort. If you have lost this boon, strive to regain it. Think -not, speak not, all the while about your malady. Suppress moans and -complaints. They are always disagreeable to others; they can never be -beneficial to you. Count your mercies, and not your miseries. Try upon -your body the stimulus of a cheerful spirit. It may not insure your -recovery, but it will certainly produce a pleasant alleviation. ‘A merry -heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit dryeth the bones.’</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_771" id="Page_771">[Pg 771]</a></span>“<i>Borrowing Trouble.</i>—Forebodings of evil rob the mind of cheerfulness. -‘Ills that never happened have mostly made men wretched,’ says Tupper. -Casting our glance ahead, we see ‘lions’ in the way; difficulties which we -are sure we can never overcome; griefs under whose heavy weight we shall -be utterly crushed. Not satisfied with our present troubles, we borrow -misery from the future. The Holy Scripture instructs us to do otherwise. -‘Thou knowest not what a day may bring forth.’—Prov. xxvii. 1. ‘Take -therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for -the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.’—Matt. -vi. 34. And then it gives us a golden promise, ‘As thy days, so shall thy -strength be.’</p> - -<p>“The life of many Christians is a life of constant sadness and gloom. They -seem to be entire strangers to all the happiness of earth and all the -hopes of heaven. Their faces commonly appear as sombre as the stones which -mark the dwelling-places of the dead. Their feelings are better expressed -in sighs than in songs. Unhappy themselves, they make others unhappy. They -come and go like clouds, shutting out the sunshine from cheerful hearts, -and for a while casting upon them shadows cold and dark.</p> - -<p>“Arise, O, desponding one! Quit your tearful abode in the valley of gloom, -and come and make your dwelling on the bright hill-top of cheerfulness. -Look up! look up! and behold the sun shining through the clouds, and the -stars through the darkness.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Whining.</span></p> - -<p>This is a habit opposed to cheerfulness, and producing contrary results. -It is half-sister to scolding, and equally as obnoxious. Don’t fret and -whine. It makes you look old and cross. The disease soon becomes chronic -if indulged in. It is a disease that not only the doctors know at sight,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_772" id="Page_772">[Pg 772]</a></span> -but every one can read it in the face of those thus afflicted. “O, what a -cross face that lady has got!” I heard another female exclaim but -yesterday, as they passed on the street. You cannot hide it; then don’t -induce such a look.</p> - -<p>Somebody has written the following, which so completely expresses my ideas -of the matter, that I quote the item verbatim:—</p> - -<p>“There is a class of persons in this world, by no means small, whose -prominent peculiarity is whining. They whine because they are poor; or, if -rich, because they have no health to enjoy their riches; they whine -because it is too shiny; they whine because it is too rainy; they whine -because they have ‘no luck,’ and others’ prosperity exceeds theirs; they -whine because some friends have died, and they are still living; they -whine because they have aches and pains, and they have aches and pains -because they whine, no one can tell why.</p> - -<p>“Now, we would like to say a word to these whining persons. Stop whining. -It’s of no use, this everlasting complaining, fretting, fault-finding, -scolding, and whining. Why, you are the most deluded set of creatures that -ever lived.</p> - -<p>“Do you not know that it is a well-settled principle of physiology and -common sense that these habits are more exhausting to nervous vitality -than almost any other violation of physiological law? And do you not know -that life is pretty much what you make it and take it? You can make it -bright and sunshiny, or you can make it dark and shadowy. This life is -only meant to discipline us, to fit us for a higher and nobler state of -being. Then stop whining and fretting, and go on your way rejoicing.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Love.</span></p> - -<p>“Well, what has that to do with health and long life?” ask the cynic, the -bachelor, the old maid possibly, and the plodders.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_773" id="Page_773">[Pg 773]</a></span>Everything, I reply.</p> - -<p>The man, woman, or child who loves well and wisely, who loves the most, is -the happiest, healthiest, and will live the longest.</p> - -<p>“That is a bold assertion,” says my quizzer.</p> - -<p>Yes, and true as bold. Now listen in silence to my statement.</p> - -<p>Who loves, what loves, and what is the result?</p> - -<p>“God is love.” Here is the first, the fundamental principle.</p> - -<p>He is the oldest of all beings. To be like him is to love,—to love all -things which he has created. This is Godlike. If you are not thus, you are -like the ungodly, who “shall not live out half their days.” “Love God, and -keep his commandments.”</p> - -<p>“Love thy neighbor as thyself.”</p> - -<p>Is there not more happiness and health in the obeying of this command, -than in disobedience to it? Whatever is conducive to happiness is -healthful. Whatever produces unhappiness is injurious to health. Love is -undefinable.</p> - -<p>“There is a fragrant blossom that maketh glad the garden of the heart.</p> - -<p>Its root lieth deep; it is delicate, yet lasting as the lilac-crocus of -autumn.</p> - -<p class="center"><strong><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span></strong></p> - -<p>I saw, and asked not its name; I knew no language was so wealthy.</p> - -<p>Though every heart of every clime findeth its echo within.</p> - -<p>And yet, what shall I say? Is a sordid man capable of love?</p> - -<p>Hath a seducer known it? Can an adulterer perceive it?</p> - -<p class="center"><strong><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span><span class="spacer">·</span></strong></p> - -<p>Chaste, and looking up to God, as the fountain of tenderness and joy.</p> - -<p>Quiet, yet flowing deep, as the Rhine among rivers.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_774" id="Page_774">[Pg 774]</a></span>Lasting, and knowing not change, it walketh in truth and sincerity.</p> - -<p>Love never grows old, love never perisheth.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Affection and Perfection.</span></p> - -<p>Love is so closely connected with our lives, and all that makes or mars -our peace and pleasure, health and beauty, that I should feel guilty of a -sin of omission by excluding this item from my chapter on health and -happiness.</p> - -<p>To be unloved is to be unhappy. Do not forget the connection between -health and happiness. They are all but synonymous terms.</p> - -<p>You may know the unloved and unlovely by the lines of care, dissipation, -or crime that are furrowed upon their brows. Go into the highways, and you -may readily pick out the unloved child by its unsatisfied expression of -countenance. It lifts its great, hungry eyes to yours instinctively, and -asks for love and sympathy as plainly by that searching look, as the child -of penury, the bread-starveling asks for alms when it presents its scrawny -hand, and in pitiful tones says, “Please give me a penny, for God’s sake.”</p> - -<p>O, give the child “love,” for God’s sake; for he so loved the world that -he gave us his only begotten Son, who only in turn taught us to love.</p> - -<p>Physical perfection is never found in the unloved.</p> - -<p>The unloved wife is not long beautiful, nor the child of such. There is a -marked difference between them and the wife and child that the husband and -father cherishes and caresses with unrestrained affection. In sickness -love divides the burden, as in the common toils of life.</p> - -<p>Disguise or deny the truth of the assertion if you will, woman must love -somebody or some thing. She were not otherwise a true woman, nor made in -the image of her Maker. If the husband denies her that affection which -truly belongs to her nature, he must not blame her, but himself, if she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_775" id="Page_775">[Pg 775]</a></span> -loves another. She will cling to something. If she has no children upon -whom to lavish her affections, she will love some other’s, or a pet -canary, or even a cat, or lapdog; but love she will.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Separating the Sheep and Goats.</span></p> - -<p>I place cheerfulness before love, because angry and melancholy people are -unlovable. If you wish to be loved and happy, be lovable. Strive to -please, to make those about you happy, and then you will be lovable. -Cheerfulness is the first step.</p> - -<p>A very sensible writer in the <i>Phrenological Journal</i> says,—</p> - -<p>“There is not enough thought, and time, and consideration devoted to this -inevitable requisite, love. It is kept too much in the background. How -many years are given to preparing young people for professions, trades, -and occupations; how much counsel and advice are heaped around these -topics; and yet how little importance is attached to the very influence -which will probably be the turning-point of their lives. No wonder there -are so many unhappy marriages. If we could only remember that boys and -girls are not to be educated for lawyers, merchants, school-teachers, or -housekeepers alone, but for husbands and wives, as well.”</p> - -<p>Those girls are the most chaste and ladylike who have been brought up with -a family, or neighborhood, or school of boys; and on the other hand, those -boys who have from their earliest days been accustomed to female restraint -and girlhood’s influences, make the best men, and most faithful, loving -husbands and fathers.</p> - -<p>What shall I say of those demoralizing institutions where the “young -ladies” are taught algebra, languages, and ill manners? Where they are -forbidden to recognize a gentleman in the school-room, prayer-room, or -street? Can you, honest reader, believe there are such institutions in our -enlightened land? Yet there are; where the sexes are denied<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_776" id="Page_776">[Pg 776]</a></span> not only the -association with, but are forbidden the common courtesies of life; where, -if a friend or brother lifts his hat to the young lady, while belonging to -that institution, she is forbidden to acknowledge the courtesy.</p> - -<p>I remember Mrs. Brandyball, in one of Theodore Hook’s novels of society, -boasting of her seminary for young ladies as one of the <i>safest</i> in the -world, being entirely surrounded by a dense wall, eight feet high, -surmounted by sharp spikes and broken glass bottles. I reckon all the -virtue preserved in this way was not worth the cost of its defences.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Fences broken down.</span></p> - -<p>The writer passed some time in a town where these discourtesies were -promulgated. I boarded with a pious family, where a large number of male -students boarded also. There was one class of influences and <i>passions</i> -pervading that place. All female influence and restraint were withdrawn. -And what was the result? The boys were forbidden to smoke, or chew -tobacco, or play at cards. They reckoned me as a “right jolly good -fellow,” because I could be induced to play a game of euchre with them; -but they occasionally smoked me out of their rooms, and I was repeatedly -compelled to check their wonted flow of licentious conversation. Cards, as -an innocent amusement, I could stand, but the “accomplishments” referred -to I could not endure. Shall I, as a physician, mention the positive -evidence, the pathognomonic indications which were revealed to me in the -faces of many of those young men; of vulgar habits, which are less often -or seldom revealed in those who customarily associate in pure female -society? They had little or no respect for the opposite sex. Their ideas -of them, thoughts and conversations, were most gross. If some now and -then, as they occasionally would, took a stolen interview, a walk at -night, when “Old Prof.” was asleep, it was with no more exalted views of -purity than<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_777" id="Page_777">[Pg 777]</a></span> any other midnight criminal prowlers are supposed to cherish.</p> - -<p>And the girls? Alas! they were ready to flirt with every strange man, -drummer, or else, who came into the village. The aforesaid pious landlord -assured me further, what my eyes did not see, that he knew of girls -climbing out of the windows at night, and partaking of stolen rides and -interviews as late as midnight; and he pointed out to me one coy, plump -little miss, who he knew “had been out as late as one or two A. M., taking -a ride with a gentleman scholar.”</p> - -<p>The scholars all met in the “chapel” for prayers. Are sly glances, winks, -or billets-doux prayers? If so, they prayed fervently.</p> - -<p>Any well read, observing physician will tell you of the ruined healths of -the majority of females educated at such exclusive seminaries.</p> - -<p>And what is the reverse of this exclusiveness?</p> - -<p>Bring the sexes up together. Teach them together, as much as is -consistent. They will each have better manners, be more graceful, and -possess clearer ideas of propriety, more beauty and better health, than by -the plan of a separate education.</p> - -<p>We all dread to grow old. Don’t talk of second childhood. Keep the first -youthfulness fresh till the last. Love will do much towards continuing -this desirable state. Says the <i>Phrenological Journal</i>, beauty comes and -goes with health. The bad habits and false conditions which destroy the -latter, render the former impossible. Youthfulness of form and features -depends on youthfulness of feeling.</p> - -<p class="poem">“Spring still makes spring in the mind,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When sixty years are told;</span><br /> -Love wakes anew the throbbing heart,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And we are never old.”</span></p> - -<p>If, then, we would retain youthful looks, we must do nothing that will -make us <i>feel old</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_778" id="Page_778">[Pg 778]</a></span>O, the folly of parents in some things! The nonsense of sixty is the -sweetest kind of sense to sixteen; and the father and mother who renew -their own youths in that of their children may be said to experience a -second blossoming of their lives. Teach them to talk to you of their -friends and companions. Let the girls chat freely about gentlemen if they -wish. It is far better to control the subject than to forbid it. Don’t -make fun of your boy’s shamefaced first love, but help him to judge the -article properly. You would hardly send him by himself to select a coat or -a hat—has he not equal need of your counsel and assistance in selecting -that much more uncertain piece of goods, a sweetheart?</p> - -<p>There is a great deal of popular nonsense talked and written about the -folly of our girls contracting early marriages. It is not the early -marriage that is in fault, it is the premature choice of a husband. Only -take time enough about selecting the proper person, and it is not of much -consequence how soon the minister is called in. Keep him on trial a little -while, girls; look at him from every possible point of view, domestic or -foreign. Don’t be deluded by the hollow glitter of handsome features and -prepossessing manners. A Greek nose or a graceful brow will not insure -conjugal happiness by any means. A husband ought to be like a watertight -roof, equally serviceable in sunny or rainy weather.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Action and Idleness.</span></p> - -<p>While action is surely essential to our physical and moral being, all -extremes should be avoided. Excessive labor, even out of door, in the air -and sunshine, may be injurious. On this point I quote the <i>Scientific -American</i>:—</p> - -<p>“It has oftentimes been asserted that those exposed to severe labor in the -open atmosphere were the least subject to sickness. This has been proven a -fallacy. Of persons engaged at heavy labor in outdoor exposure, the -percentage<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_779" id="Page_779">[Pg 779]</a></span> of sickness in the year is 28.05. Of those engaged at heavy -labor in-doors, such as blacksmiths, etc., the percentage of sickness is -26.54—not much to be sure; but of those engaged at light occupations -in-doors and out, the percentage of sickness is only 20.80-21.58. For -every three cases of sickness in those engaged in light labor, there are -four cases among those whose lot is heavy labor. The mortality, however, -is greater among those engaged in light toil, and in-door labor is less -favorable to longevity than laboring in the open atmosphere. It is -established clearly that the quantum of sickness annually falling to the -lot of man is in direct proportion to demands on his muscular power.</p> - -<p>“How true this makes the assertion,—‘Every inventor who abridges labor, -and relieves man from the drudgery of severe toil, is a benefactor of his -race.’ There were many who looked upon labor-saving machines as great -evils, because they supplanted the hand toil of many operatives. We have -helped to cure the laboring and toiling classes of such absurd notions. A -more enlightened spirit is now abroad, for all experience proves that -labor-saving machines do not destroy the occupations of men, but merely -change them.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Idleness induces Crime.</span></p> - -<p>This fact cannot be too strongly or repeatedly impressed upon parents and -children.</p> - -<p>Warden Haynes, of the Massachusetts State Prison, lately uttered these -emphatic and significant words, which are worthy to be written in letters -of gold: “Eight out of every ten come here by liquor; and a great curse -is, not learning a trade. Young men get the notion that it is not genteel -to learn a trade; they idle away their time, get into saloons, acquire the -habits of drinking, and then gambling, and then they are ready for any -crime.” How many young men we see every day who are in the pathway to this -end. Fathers and mothers who hold the dangerous view that it is not -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_780" id="Page_780">[Pg 780]</a></span>genteel for their children to learn a trade, can see where such ideas -lead. The words of wisdom quoted above are full of weighty import for both -parents and children.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Beauty and Development.</span></p> - -<p>Activity of body and mind are conducive to health.</p> - -<p>Everybody ought to know that moderate exercise develops the muscular and -nervous power, hence the vitality of all creatures. Is the active, -prancing steed, or the inactive, sluggish swine, the better representative -of beauty, strength, and long life?</p> - -<p>“The horse,” answers everybody. Then avoid the habits of the other, and -you will be very unlike that indolent, unclean, and gluttonous animal. -When you see a man who reminds you of a hog, be assured he has swinish -habits.</p> - -<p>Mental activity, unless it is excessive, is conducive to beauty, to -strength, and health. A writer in the American Odd Fellow has some good -ideas illustrative of my argument, that I may be pardoned for quoting -him:—</p> - -<p>“We were speaking of handsome men the other evening, and I was wondering -why K. had so lost the beauty for which five years ago he was so famous. -‘O, it’s because he never did anything,’ said B.; ‘he never worked, -thought, or suffered. You must have the mind chiselling away at the -features, if you want handsome middle-aged men.’ Since hearing that -remark, I have been on the watch to see whether it is generally true—and -it is. A handsome man who does nothing but eat and drink grows flabby, and -the fine lines of his features are lost; but the hard thinker has an -admirable sculptor at work, keeping his fine lines in repair, and -constantly going over his face to improve, if possible, the original -design.”</p> - -<p>Therefore, we infer that this moderate (outdoor) exercise is conducive to -beauty, health, and longevity. Moderate activity of the mind the same.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_781" id="Page_781">[Pg 781]</a></span>Idleness begets licentious thoughts and deeds. Activity of body and mind -in honorable pursuits calls away the nervous power from the lower to the -higher organs. A lively, cheerful, clean man or woman, is seldom wicked or -licentious.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sleep.</span></p> - -<p>By the assistance of John G. Saxe, we have already given those</p> - -<p class="poem">“Early to bed, and early to rise,<br /> -Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise,”</p> - -<p>fellows a touch of our opinion on too early rising. I base my judgment -upon careful and continued observation during many years.</p> - -<p>The Scriptures teach that the day is for work, and night for sleep. This -turning day into night, sitting up till near midnight, is all wrong. It is -ruinous to health and beauty. This other extreme, of rising at four or -five o’clock and pitching into hard labor, is wearing and tearing to the -constitution; and though nature for a while adapts herself to the -necessity, by browning and unnaturally developing the exposed parts of -such deluded or unfortunate persons, <i>it does it at the expense of his -length of days</i>. He will not live so long for his over-doing.</p> - -<p>Begin by retiring earlier, at the first indication after nightfall of -fatigue and sleepiness. If sweaty, wash the skin quickly, as previously -directed, with warm water, <i>rubbing dry and warm</i>, and cover up. Lie on -one side. Do not sleep on your back. You are more liable to dream -laborious or frightful dreams, snore, or have nightmare. Do not sleep in -clothes worn during the day.</p> - -<p>Unfortunate is the man or woman, who, from necessity, arises before six or -seven in winter, or five to seven in summer.</p> - -<p>Literary persons require more sleep than laborers. Children require more -than adults. Do not lie in bed long after<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_782" id="Page_782">[Pg 782]</a></span> awaking at morning. Open your -window wide as soon as you arise—it is supposed to be partially open at -the top all night.</p> - -<p>In inhaling air at night or morning, do it only through the nostrils. -Night air is <i>not</i> injurious any more than day air if so inhaled. Sleep -when sleepy—this is a good rule, unless disease induces unnatural sleep.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">What shall we eat?</span></p> - -<p><i>Eat what relishes well, and agrees with you afterwards.</i> This is the best -general rule I have been able to adopt for eating.</p> - -<p>There has been so much ridiculous stuff written upon “diet” that most -sensible people have given up trying to follow the prescribed rules of -writers, if not their physician’s directions on that score.</p> - -<p>Take the following, by one celebrated Dr. Brown, of England, for an -example, although we may find others quite as ridiculous nearer home:—</p> - -<p>“For breakfast, toast and rich soup made on a slow fire, a walk before -breakfast, and a good deal after it; a glass of wine in the forenoon, -<i>from time to time</i>; good broth or soup to dinner, with meat of any kind -he likes, but always the most nourishing; several glasses of port or punch -to be taken after dinner, till some enlivening effect is perceived from -them, and a dram after everything heavy; one hour and a half after dinner -another walk; between tea-time and supper a game with cheerful company at -cards or any other play, never too prolonged; a little light reading; -jocose, humorous company, avoiding that of popular Presbyterian ministers -and their admirers, and all hypocrites and thieves of every -description.... Lastly, the company of amiable, handsome, and delightful -young women and an enlivening glass.”</p> - -<p>Dr. Russell, to whom we are indebted for the quotation,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_783" id="Page_783">[Pg 783]</a></span> might well say -that “John Brown’s prescriptions seem a caricature of his system.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A “Stomach-mill” and a “Stewing-pot.”</span></p> - -<p>There have been many speculations about the nature of the digestive -process, and in relation to them the celebrated Hunter remarked, -playfully, “To account for digestion, some have made the stomach a mill; -some would have it to be a stewing-pot, and some a brewing-trough; yet all -the while one would have thought that it must have been very evident that -the stomach was neither a mill, nor a stewing-pot, nor a brewing-trough, -nor anything but a <i>stomach</i>.” All that can be said is, that digestion is -a chemical process, the mechanical agency spoken of being of service only -in thoroughly mixing the gastric juice with the food.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Five Minutes for Refreshments.</span>”</p> - -<p>“Murder! murder!” the conductor might as well cry to passengers, as “Five -minutes for refreshments.”</p> - -<p>Now it makes less difference what we eat than how we eat. Cold hash, eaten -slowly, therefore, well masticated, and mixed with the saliva, is more -likely to “set well” than a light cake or a cracker, though it be “Bond’s -best,” if hurried down the throat.</p> - -<p>What the English call the “blarsted Yankee style” of gulping down the food -half masticated, washing it down with drinks, will ruin anything but a -sheet-iron stomach in a cast-iron constitution. Talk about “mills.” Why, -that most excellently contrived mill in the mouth is not suffered to -perform its duty. The hopper is too crammed; it clogs the whole machinery.</p> - -<p>Eating between meals destroys the regular periods naturally established by -the stomach for digestion. Three meals should be sufficient for -twenty-four hours.</p> - -<p>“Much has been said about exercising after eating, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_784" id="Page_784">[Pg 784]</a></span> the truth has been -often over-stated. The famous experiment with the two dogs is cited to -show that exercise after eating interferes with the process of digestion. -Observe just how much was proved by the experiment. Two dogs were fed to -the full, and while one was left to lie still, the other was made to run -about very briskly. In an hour or two both dogs were killed, and it was -found that the food was well digested in the dog that remained quiet, but -not in the other. (I have seen it stated the reverse.) This proves simply -that <i>violent</i> exercise, taken <i>immediately</i> after eating, interferes with -digestion. Other facts show that light exercise rather promotes than -impedes the process, and that even very strong exercise does not interfere -with it if a short interval of rest be allowed, so that the process may be -fairly commenced.</p> - -<p>“The same is to some extent true of exercise of mind. It seems to be -necessary that there should be some measure of concentration of energy in -the stomach for the due performance of digestion, and any very decided -exercise, bodily or mental, tends to prevent this. In the dyspeptic, even -a slight amount of effort, either of body or mind, often suffices to do -it.</p> - -<p>“It is very commonly said that it is wrong to eat just before going to -bed. Is this true? Cattle are apt to go to sleep after eating fully. Do -sleep and digestion agree well in their case, and not so in the case of -man? In some seasons of the year the farmer takes his heartiest meal at -the close of the labors of the day, and soon retires. Is this a bad -custom? Our opinion is that food may be taken properly at a late hour, -provided, first, that the individual has not already eaten enough for the -twenty-four hours,—that he has done so being true, probably, in most -cases; and provided, secondly, that he is in such a state of health that -digestion will not so act upon his nerves as to disturb his sleep. If it -will thus act, it is clear that he had better be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_785" id="Page_785">[Pg 785]</a></span> disturbed when awake, -for he can bear the disturbance then with less of injury to his system.”</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Ancient Diet.</span></p> - -<p>“How did them old <i>anti-delusion</i> fellows live?” once asked an honest old -farmer of the writer. “They must have lived differently than we live, or -they would not have told so many years as they did.”</p> - -<p>True, true. The difference between ancient and modern diet is remarkable. -The ancient Greeks and Romans used no tea, coffee, tobacco, chocolate, -sugar, lard, or butter. They had but few spices, no “nutmeg, cinnamon, -ginger, or cloves,” no Cayenne pepper, no sage, sweet marjoram, spinach, -tapioca, Irish moss, arrow-root, potato, corn starch, common beans; no -oranges, tamarinds, or candies, or the Yankee invention, “buckwheat cakes -and molasses.” What would our modern cooks do without the above enumerated -articles in the culinary department? And the butter! Down to the Saviour’s -time butter was unknown. Dr. Galen (130-218, A. D.) saw the first butter -only a short time before his death. Tea is comparatively a modern -introduction.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Green Grocery of the Classics.</span></p> - -<p>The cabbage has had a singular destiny—in one country an object of -worship, in another of contempt. The Egyptians made of it a god, and it -was the first dish they touched at their repasts. The Greeks and Romans -took it as a remedy for the languor following inebriation. Cato said that -in the cabbage was a panacea for the ills of man. Erasistratus recommended -it as a specific in paralysis. Hippocrates accounted it a sovereign -remedy, boiled with salt, for the colic. And Athenian medical men -prescribed it to young nursing mothers, who wished to see lusty babies -lying in their arms.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_786" id="Page_786">[Pg 786]</a></span> Diphilus preferred the beet to the cabbage, both as -food and as medicine,—in the latter case, as a vermifuge. (Horace Greeley -prefers the latter, for he says that “a cabbage will beat a beet if the -cabbage gets a-head.”) The same physician extols mallows, not for -fomentation, but as a good edible vegetable, appeasing hunger and curing -the sore throat at the same time. The asparagus, as we are accustomed to -see it, has derogated from its ancient magnificence. The original “grass” -was from twelve to twenty feet high; and a dish of them could only have -been served to the Brobdignagians. Under the Romans, stems of asparagus -were raised of three pounds’ weight, heavy enough to knock down a slave in -waiting with. The Greeks ate them of more moderate dimensions, or would -have eaten them, but that the publishing doctors of their day denounced -asparagus as injurious to the sight. But then it was also said that a -slice or two of boiled pumpkin would reinvigorate the sight which had been -deteriorated by asparagus! “Do that as quickly as you should asparagus!” -is a proverb descended to us from Augustus, and illustrative of the mode -in which the vegetable was prepared for the table.</p> - -<p>A still more favorite dish, at Athens, was turnips from Thebes. Carrots, -too, formed a distinguished dish at Greek and Roman tables. Purslain was -rather honored as a cure against poisons, whether in the blood by wounds, -or in the stomach from beverage. I have heard it asserted in France, that -if you briskly rub a glass with fingers which have been previously rubbed -with purslain or parsley, the glass will certainly break. I have tried the -experiment, but only to find that the glass resisted the pretended charm.</p> - -<p>Broccoli was the favorite vegetable food of Drusus. He ate greedily -thereof; and as his father, Tiberius, was as fond of it as he, the master -of the Roman world and his illustrious heir were constantly quarrelling, -like two clowns, when a dish of broccoli stood between them. Artichokes -grew less<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_787" id="Page_787">[Pg 787]</a></span> rapidly into aristocratic favor; the <i>dictum</i> of Galen was -against them, and for a long time they were only used by drinkers against -headache, and by singers to strengthen their voice. Pliny pronounced -artichokes excellent food for poor people and donkeys. For nobler stomachs -he preferred the cucumber—the Nemesis of vegetables. But people were at -issue touching the merits of the cucumber. Not so regarding the lettuce, -which has been universally honored. It was the most highly esteemed dish -of the beautiful Adonis. It was prescribed as provocative to sleep; and it -cured Augustus of the malady which sits so heavily on the soul of Leopold -of Belgium—hypochondriasis. Science and rank eulogized the lettuce, and -philosophy sanctioned the eulogy in the person of Aristoxenus, who not -only grew lettuces as the pride of his garden, but irrigated them with -wine, in order to increase their flavor.</p> - -<p>But we must not place too much trust in the stories, either of sages or -apothecaries. These pagans recommended the seductive but indigestible -endive as good against the headache, and young onions and honey as -admirable preservers of health, when taken fasting; but this was a -prescription for rustic swains and nymphs. The higher classes, in town or -country, would hardly venture on it. And yet the mother of Apollo ate raw -leeks, and loved them of gigantic dimensions. For this reason, perhaps, -was the leek accounted not only as salubrious, but as a beautifier. The -love for melons was derived, in similar fashion probably, from Tiberius, -who cared for them even more than he did for broccoli. The German Cæsars -inherited the taste of their Roman predecessor, carrying it, indeed, to -excess; for more than one of them submitted to die after eating melons, -rather than live by renouncing them.</p> - -<p>I have spoken of gigantic asparagus: the Jews had radishes that could vie -with them, if it be true that a fox and cubs could burrow in the hollow of -one, and that it was not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_788" id="Page_788">[Pg 788]</a></span> uncommon to grow them of a hundred pounds in -weight. It must have been such radishes as those that were employed by -seditious mobs of old, as weapons in insurrections. In such case, a -rebellious people were always well victualled, and had peculiar -facilities, not only to beat their adversaries, but <i>to eat their own -arms</i>! The horseradish is probably a descendant of this gigantic ancestor. -It had at one period a gigantic reputation. Dipped in poison, it rendered -the draught innocuous, and rubbed on the hands, it made an encounter with -venomed serpents mere play. In short, it was celebrated as being a cure -for every evil in life, the only exception being that it destroyed the -teeth. There was far more difference of opinion touching garlic than there -was touching the radish. The Egyptians deified it, as they did the leek -and the cabbage; the Greeks devoted it to Gehenna, and to soldiers, -sailors, and cocks that were not “game.” Medicinally, it was held to be -useful in many diseases, if the root used were originally sown when the -moon was below the horizon. No one who had eaten of it, however, could -presume to enter the temple of Cybele. Alphonso of Castile was as -particular as this goddess; and a knight of Castile, “detected as being -guilty of garlic,” suffered banishment from the royal presence during the -entire month.</p> - -<p>It is long since the above instructive article on the “Green Groceries of -the Classics,” by Dr. Doran, was in print, and I think it will be new to -most of my readers. I hope it will prove interesting as well as -instructive.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Animal or Vegetable Diet?</span></p> - -<p>Both, if considered in regard to health. With an eye to economy only, I -should recommend vegetable diet.</p> - -<p>I think that poor people lay out more, in proportion, than the rich, for -the purchase of animal food. They often buy extravagantly, on the credit -system, purchasing on <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_789" id="Page_789">[Pg 789]</a></span>Saturday nights, when there is a rush at the -stalls, and less opportunities for good bargains than when there is more -time. Again, the lower classes fry their meats, losing much of their -flavor and substance, by its going up chimney; or by boiling, and throwing -away much of the nutriment with the water, which stewing in a covered dish -would obviate.</p> - -<p>I have been into various markets, and observed the poor as they made their -purchases. I have seen them count into the butcher’s hand their last penny -for a rib roast, a piece of pork to fry, a hind quarter of lamb to bake, -or beef to boil, when a piece to stew, with nourishing vegetables, would -cost far less, and return double the nutritive principle.</p> - -<p>Beefsteak, which contains seventy-five per cent. of water, is poor economy -of both money and health. The flank and neck pieces are better. The more -fatty and nutritive fore quarters are better than the hind quarters. Ask -the Jews. Coarse vegetables, as carrots, cabbages, turnips, and potatoes, -contain more nourishment than beef, though far less than the cereals, as -wheat, barley, corn, and buckwheat. Beans, peas, rice, cracked wheat or -hominy, cooked with meat, make a most wholesome and nourishing diet for -laborers, for the sedentary, and for invalids. Meat should never be given -to toothless infants. Milk, or bread and milk, is all they require until -they have teeth.</p> - -<p>A cheap, innutritious regimen is scarcely conducive to longevity, any more -than a stimulating and high living is contributive to that end. A great -quantity of hot roast meats is objectionable. Also hot fine flour bread. -Let those particularly interested in the matter see our article on bread, -etc., in chapter on Adulterations. Also, as respects coarse sugar against -the refined. See, also, Nutriment for Consumptives, in next chapter.</p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_790" id="Page_790">[Pg 790]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXXIII" id="XXXIII"></a>XXXIII.</h2> -<p class="title">CONSUMPTION (PHTHISIS PULMONALIS).</p> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>CONSUMPTION A MONSTER!—UNIVERSAL REIGN.—SIGNS OF HIS -APPROACH.—WARNINGS.—BAD POSITIONS.—SCHOOL-HOUSES.—ENGLISH -THEORY.—PREVENTIVES.—AIR AND SUNSHINE.—SCROFULA.—A JOLLY FAT -GRANDMOTHER.—“WASP WAISTS.”—CHANGE OF CLIMATE.—“TOO LATE!”—WHAT TO -AVOID.—HUMBUGS.—COD-LIVER OIL.—STRYCHNINE WHISKEY.—A -MATTER-OF-FACT PATIENT.—SWALLOWING A PRESCRIPTION.—SIT AND LIE -STRAIGHT.—FEATHERS OR CURLED HAIR.—A YANKEE DISEASE.—CATARRH AND -COLD FEET, HOW TO REMEDY.—“GIVE US SOME SNUFF, DOCTOR.”—OTHER THINGS -TO AVOID.—A TENDER POINT.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>Phthisis Pulmonalis is consumption of the lungs, which is the common -acceptation of the term consumption. <i>Phthisis</i> is from the Greek, meaning -<i>to consume</i>. This fearful disease, from the earliest period in the -history of medicine to the present day, has proved more destructive of -human life than any other in the entire catalogue of ills to which frail -humanity is heir. In Great Britain, one in every four dies of consumption; -in France, one in five. In the United States, especially in New England, -the number who die annually by this fearful disease is truly startling! -One in every three! One reason for this fatality is because of the -prevailing and erroneous idea that it is inevitably a fatal disease.</p> - -<p>Consumption is a relentless monster, and insidious in his approaches. He -spares not the high or the low. Oftener known in the hovel, he fails not -to visit dwellers in palaces. He paints the cheek of the infant, youth, -maiden, the middle-aged, and the aged with the false glow of health. The -delicate and beautiful are his common subjects.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_791" id="Page_791">[Pg 791]</a></span>Tupper wrote with an understanding when he penned the following:—</p> - -<p class="poem">“Behold that fragile form of delicate, transparent beauty,<br /> -Whose light blue eye and hectic cheek are lit by the bale-fires of decline;<br /> -All droopingly she lieth, as a dew-laden lily,<br /> -Her flaxen tresses rashly luxuriant, dank with unhealthy moisture;<br /> -Hath not thy heart said of her, ‘Alas! poor child of weakness’?”</p> - -<p>Yes, the monster “Decline” seeks particularly the fair-skinned, of -“transparent beauty,” and those of the “light blue eye and flaxen hair,” -for his victims. Nor are the illiterate alone his subjects, but men of the -most talented minds, men versed in arts, sciences, and <i>belles-lettres</i>, -professors of hygiene and physiology, and the very practitioners of the -art of medicine themselves, are often the shining marks of the insidious -monster whom they by erudition diligently seek to repel.</p> - -<p>Because of the too prevalent belief of the invincibleness of consumption, -it has been neglected more than any other disease. The victims to its -wiles have hoped against hope, while the enemy has woven his web quietly -and flatteringly around them.</p> - -<p>You must first be warned of his earliest aggression.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Signs of his Approach.</span></p> - -<p>He is a deceiver. Let us be wary of him.</p> - -<p>We have been too negligent in this matter. Let us remember that prevention -is far better than cure.</p> - -<p>The slight fatigue on the least exertion we have counted as “nothing.” The -hectic flush of the cheeks is too often mistaken for a sign of health. The -cursory pains of the chest, or left side, or under the shoulder-blades, -are disregarded, or, if noticed at all, are mentioned as though “of no -account.” The slight hacking cough is scarcely heeded; for do not people -often cough without having consumption, and without raising blood? True, -true; and this is the stronghold of the deceiver.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_792" id="Page_792">[Pg 792]</a></span>Consumption is a disease which is not entirely confined to the lungs. It -is often a depraved condition of the system, particularly the blood. There -is a “consumption of the blood,” and a variety of morbid phenomena, which -cannot be expressed in the single word consumption. It not unusually -results in a scrofulous predisposition. An hereditary predisposition may -or may not be the cause. If the former, its development must depend upon -some exciting cause, which will be mentioned hereafter. The intermarrying -of persons of like temperaments and constitutional dispositions inevitably -results in children of scrofulous and consumptive diathesis.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img243.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A NATURAL POSITION.<span class="spacer"> </span><span class="spacer"> </span>AN UNNATURAL POSITION.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>A neglected cold, cough, or catarrh may soon develop this fatality. The -peculiar changes in females at certain periods of life often awaken the -slumbering enemy. Teething in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_793" id="Page_793">[Pg 793]</a></span> infancy not unfrequently develops the -scrofulous element, and a wasting of the system—either <i>marasmus</i> or -<i>tabes mesenterica</i>—follows, which, under the best treatment, may prove -fatal.</p> - -<p>The slip-shod, doubled-up way that many people have of lying, sitting, and -standing, are conducive to consumption.</p> - -<p>Badly-ventilated school-houses have heretofore been a source of great -injury to children, developing scrofula and consumption in constitutions -where it might have remained latent during their lifetime. Every -reflecting parent should rejoice in the improvements which have been made -during the last few years in the matter of ventilation in buildings, -particularly in churches and school-rooms, although janitors, porters, and -teachers have as yet too limited ideas on the subject of wholesome air. -The dry furnaces are a very objectionable feature, and not conducive to -health.</p> - -<p><i>Early Symptoms.</i>—Fatigue on the least exertion; a languid, tired feeling -in the morning; rosy tint of one or both cheeks during the latter part of -the day, caused by unoxygenized blood rushing to the surface; swelling of -the glands of the neck, or elsewhere; enlarged joints; paleness of the -lips; areola under the eyes; sensitiveness to the air; chills running over -the body; taking cold easily; catarrhal symptoms; premature development of -the intellect; and early physical maturity, are among its initiatory -indications. Also, when the disease is located in the lungs, spitting of -white, frothy mucus, or blood, with catarrhal symptoms; cough, which is -noticed by others before by the patient; hacking on retiring, or early in -the morning; varied appetite; tickling in the throat; short breath on -exertion, with rapid pulse.</p> - -<p><i>Second Stage.</i>—Cough, and difficult breathing; increased difficulty of -lying on one side; sharp, short pains; diminution of monthly period; -swelling of the lower extremities, leaving corrugation on removing the -hose and garters at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_794" id="Page_794">[Pg 794]</a></span> night; raising greenish yellow matter, with (at -times) hard, curd-like substance; sweating easily (sometimes the reverse); -night sweats; restless, feverish, either dull or sharp bright cast to the -eyes. Sputa increases to the</p> - -<p><i>Third Stage.</i>—Diarrhœa not unusually supervenes; spitting of blood; -the person emaciates rapidly; the face changes from a bloated to a -cadaverous appearance, with hectic fever; the patient faints easily; -debility increases with the cough, or hæmoptosis occurs often, until death -finally closes the scene.</p> - -<p>These are merely some of the external symptoms. Let the patient mark them, -not so much to fear, as to provide against them. To be forewarned is to be -forearmed. I caution you against the causes, and give you the benefit of -my extensive experience with this disease, both in New England and three -years in the South, that you may avoid its development by attention to -rules for health and longevity.</p> - -<p>If this fearful disease was better understood by the people, it would -prove far less destructive of human life. Undomesticated animals do not -die of it; domesticated ones do. What does that imply? That the people -have engendered the disease! Let the “people,” then, take the first step -in preventing its ravages.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Theory of Consumption.</span></p> - -<p>At a sitting of the Academy of Medicine at London, Dr. Priory read a paper -on the treatment of phthisis, in which he developed the following -propositions:—</p> - -<p>1. Pulmonary phthisis is a combination of multifarious variable phenomena, -and not a morbid unity.</p> - -<p>2. Hence there does not and cannot exist a specific medicine against it.</p> - -<p>3. Therefore neither iodine nor its tincture, neither chlorine, nor sea -salt, nor tar, can be considered in the light of anti-phthisical -remedies.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_795" id="Page_795">[Pg 795]</a></span>4. <i>There are no specifics against phthisis, but there are systems of -treatment to be followed in order to conquer the pathological states which -constitute the disorder.</i></p> - -<p>5. In order to cure consumptive patients, the peculiar affections under -which they labor must be studied, and appreciated, and counteracted by -appropriate means.</p> - -<p>6. The tubercle cannot be cured by the use of remedies, but good hygienic -precautions may prevent its development.</p> - -<p>7. The real way to relieve, cure, or prolong the life of consumptive -patients, is to treat their various pathological states, which ought to -receive different names, according to their nature.</p> - -<p>8. Consumption, thus treated, has often been cured, and oftener still life -has been considerably prolonged.</p> - -<p>9. Phthisis should never be left to itself, but always treated as stated -above.</p> - -<p>10. The old methods, founded on the general idea of a single illness -called phthisis, are neither scientific nor rational.</p> - -<p>11. The exact diagnosis of the various pathological states which -constitute the malady will dictate the most useful treatment for it.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Preventives of Consumption.</span></p> - -<p>If a man desires a house erected, he consults a carpenter, or if a first -class residence, he employs an architect. If our watch gets out of repair, -we take it to a skilful jeweller. If our boots become worn, want tapping, -they are sent to the cobbler. But how many people there are, who, when the -complicated mechanism of the system gets out of order,—which they cannot -look into as they can their watch or old boots,—first try to patch -themselves up, instead of employing a professional “cobbler of poor health -and broken constitutions.”</p> - -<p>Before me are Wistar’s, Wilson’s, and Gray’s Works on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_796" id="Page_796">[Pg 796]</a></span> Anatomy. I have -read them, or Krause’s, more than twenty years. They contain all that has -been discovered relative to the human system. But I do not know it all. I -never can. I doubt if the man lives who knows it all. Then here is -“Physiology,” which treats of the offices or various functions of the -system. I do not comprehend it all. “Great ignoramus!” Nobody is perfected -in it. Next is Pathology, which treats of diseases, their causes, nature, -and symptoms. Then there are Materia Medica, Chemistry, and much more to -be learned before one can become competent to prescribe for diseases -safely.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img244.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">CORRECT POSITION.<span class="spacer3"> </span>INCORRECT POSITION.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Can a carpenter, or any mechanic, a lawyer, minister, or other than he who -devotes his whole powers to the theory and practice of medicine, be -intrusted with the precious healths and lives of individuals, about which -he knows little or nothing? Or can I, in a few chapters, instruct such in -the art of curing complicated diseases? O, no, no. But I can do something -better for such. I can tell you how to avoid diseases. I am quite positive -of it. I should wrong<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_797" id="Page_797">[Pg 797]</a></span> you, and endanger your lives by the deception thus -put forth. There are some books written on the subject which are useful to -the masses in the same manner in which I trust this will prove, by -instructing in the ways of health, and warnings against that which is -injurious; but there are far too many issued which are but a damage to the -public by their false claims of posting everybody in the knowledge of -curing all diseases, particularly that complicated one termed consumption.</p> - -<p>Among the preventives of this fell destroyer I enumerate,—</p> - -<p><i>First</i>, Plenty of God’s pure, free air; and <i>second</i>, sunshine. These are -indispensable. He who prescribes for a patient without looking into this -matter has yet to learn the first principle of the healing art.</p> - -<p>A lady recently came to my office with her son for medical advice. She was -a robust, matronly looking individual, who might turn the scale at one -hundred and eighty pounds, while the twelve-year-old boy was almost a -dwarf, pale and delicate. The contrast was astounding.</p> - -<p>“Madam,” I said, “I perceive that your son sleeps in a room where no -sunshine permeates by day;” for I could liken the pale, sickly-looking -fellow to nothing but a vegetable which had sprouted in a dark, damp -cellar. A gardener can tell such a vegetable, or plant, which has been -prematurely developed away from air and sunshine. And though she looked -astonished at my Œdipean proclivity in solving riddles, it was nothing -marvellous that a physician should detect a result in a patient which a -clodhopper might discover in a cabbage.</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir,” she finally answered, “he always sleeps in a room where the -sunlight don’t enter; but I did not think it was that which made him so -pale-like; besides, I have taken him to several doctors, and they said -nothing about it; but their prescriptions did him no good, and I am -discouraged.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_798" id="Page_798">[Pg 798]</a></span>Such stoicism was unpardonable, but I said in reply,—</p> - -<p>“Take your son into a light airy room, to sleep. Try a healthy plant in -the cell where you have so wrongfully intombed him, and observe how -speedily the color and strength will depart from it. When you can come -back and assure me of his change of apartment, I will prescribe for him.”</p> - -<p>She went away, repeating to herself, as if to impress it firmly upon her -mind,—</p> - -<p>“Put a plant into his room—plant into Johnny’s room.”</p> - -<p>The lady afterwards returned, saying that she was sorry that the plant had -died, but was glad to say that Johnny was better.</p> - -<p>It is a daily occurrence for physicians to see patients who are dying by -inches from the above cause; nor are they the low foreigners alone, but, -like my stoical one hundred and eighty pounder, of American birth, and -without excuse for their ignorance.</p> - -<p>Do not sleep or live in apartments unventilated, or where the life-giving -sunshine does not penetrate during some portion of the day. It is living a -lingering death. If the patient is scrofulous, let him or her employ such -remedies as are known to remove the predisposition, or seek aid from some -physician who has cured scrofula. The regular practitioner seldom desires -such cases. One who has devoted much time to scrofula and chronic diseases -should be preferred. I think chronic practice should become a separate -branch in medicine as much as surgery is fast becoming. Take the disease -in season. Do not neglect colds, coughs, and catarrh.</p> - -<p>Persons of a low state of blood, who are weak and debilitated, should wear -flannels the year round—thinner in summer than in winter; keep the feet -dry—avoid “wafer soles,”—and the body clean, but beware of what Artemus -Ward termed “too much baths.” Employ soap and a small quantity of water, -with a plenty of dry rubbing, till you get a healthy circulation to the -surface.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_799" id="Page_799">[Pg 799]</a></span>Mothers, see to the solitary and other habits of your daughters. Fathers, -instruct your sons in the laws of nature, and of their bodies. Do you -understand?</p> - -<p>See our youth swept off by the thousands annually, for want of proper care -and instruction!...</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A jolly fat Grandmother.</span></p> - -<p>“<i>Wasp Waists.</i>”—This is what I heard a fine-looking though -tobacco-sucking gentleman utter, as with his companion he passed two young -and fashionably dressed ladies on the street recently.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img245.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">HOW WASP WAISTS ARE MADE.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>So I fell into a reverie, in which I called up the image of a fat, jolly -old lady whom I knew as my “grandmarm.” She had a waist half as large -around as a flour barrel.</p> - -<p>“O, horrid creature!” exclaims a modern belle.</p> - -<p>But, then, my grandmother could breathe! You cannot—<i>only half breathe</i>! -And my “grandmarm” had a fresh color to her cheeks and lips, and a good -bust, till she was over sixty years of age, and she lived to be almost a -hundred years old. You won’t live to see a third of that time. Did our -grandfathers or mothers die of consumption? O, no. Still they lived -well—mine did. When I see a modern mince pie, it quickly carries my mind -back to childhood days, when I think of a little boy who thought -grandmothers were gotten up expressly to furnish nice cakes and mince pies -for the rising generation.</p> - -<p>O, but she was jolly—and so were her pies!</p> - -<p>An Irish blunderer once said, “Ah, ye don’t see any of the young gals of -the present day fourscore and tin years<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_800" id="Page_800">[Pg 800]</a></span> ould;” and probably we should not -see many of our present “crop” if <i>we</i> should survive that age.</p> - -<p>Drs. A., B., and C., tell me how many ladies who visit your offices can -take a full, deep breath. “Not one in a score or two!” So I thought.</p> - -<p> </p> -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> -<tr><td align="center"><img src="images/img246.jpg" alt="" /></td> - <td><span class="spacer"> </span></td> - <td align="center"><img src="images/img246b.jpg" alt="" /></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><small>A CONSUMPTIVE WAIST.<br />CAUSE, TIGHT CORSETS.</small></td> - <td> </td> - <td align="center"><small>NON-CONSUMPTIVE WAIST.<br />NEVER WORE CORSETS.</small></td></tr></table> -<p> </p> - -<p>Lungs which are not used in full become weak and tender. Do you have sore -places about your chest? Practise inflating your lungs with pure air -through the nostrils,—where God first breathed the breath of life,—and -give room for the lungs to expand, and the “sore places” will all -disappear after a time. See my article on breathing. Put it into steady, -moderate practice, and the result will be beneficial beyond all -conception.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Consumption is Curable.</span></p> - -<p>“Is it true that consumption of the lungs is ever cured?” is a question -which is often seriously asked.</p> - -<p>“O, yes,” I reply.</p> - -<p>“What are the proofs?”</p> - -<p>Where on dissection we find cicatrices,—places in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_801" id="Page_801">[Pg 801]</a></span> lungs where -tubercles have existed, sloughing out great cavities, which have healed -all sound, the scar only remaining—what then? Here is positive proof that -consumption had been at work, was repelled by some means, and the patient -had recovered, subsequently dying of some other disease, or from accident.</p> - -<p>Such is the fact in many cases. It is an error—fatal to thousands—to -suppose that the lungs, of all substance in the body, cannot be healed. -Yet it is a fact patent to most educated physicians, that many cases of -consumption are cured in this country, while others are prolonged, and the -patient made comfortable during many years.</p> - -<p>Change of climate may be much towards saving a patient. Before deciding -upon such change, consult your physician. Ought not he to know best? A -climate adapted to one constitution may be quite unsuited to another. What -a wise provision in Providence in giving this little world a variety of -climates! There are certain portions of the States and world where -consumption seldom prevails. The climate of California and the western -prairies, as also some portions of the South away from the coast, is less -conducive of lung and throat diseases than the more bleak and changeable -climate of New England and the Northern States. A change is only -beneficial in those cases where there is a mere deficiency of vitality in -the system. If the disease depends upon a scrofulous or other taint in the -system, one gains little by going from home. Change of climate does not -alter the condition of the system materially, so much as it relieves one -from atmospheric pressure, reducing thereby the demands upon his small -stock of vitality,—just as some places are less expensive in which to -live, and your funds hold out longer. The writer resided in the Southern -States during three cold seasons, and carefully studied the effects of -changes. He has two brothers in California, who, during the past ten -years, have often written respecting the climate west of the Rocky<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_802" id="Page_802">[Pg 802]</a></span> -Mountains. If ever called upon to decide on a climate for a friend or -patient who had determined to change from this, I would advise him, or -her, to select California.</p> - -<p>Do not change too late! going away from home and friends to die among -strangers....</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Avoid Humbugs.</span></p> - -<p>Do not run to clairvoyants and spiritual humbugs for advice. A clairvoyant -physician once said to me,—</p> - -<p>“Mr. So-and-so has just called upon me to learn where he shall spend the -winter. He thinks he has the consumption, and that I can tell him where he -will pass the winter safely. What confounded fools some of these men are, -to be sure!” she exclaimed. “Why, I have got that disease myself (not the -foolish disease, but consumption), and don’t know what to do to save my -own life.”</p> - -<p>That lady is living in Boston to-day. The gentleman went to St. Thomas, -dying in the hospital in January, amongst strangers, where every dollar he -possessed was stolen from him.</p> - -<p>Nearly all patent medicines are humbugs. Avoid them. Dr. Dio Lewis says -that “the bath-tub is a humbug.” I believe him. While you avoid drowning -inside by pouring down drugs, do not exhaust your vitality externally in a -bath-tub. The hand-bath is all-sufficient for consumptives.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Cod-liver Oil and Whiskey.</span></p> - -<p>“Take cod-liver oil and die!” has become proverbial. The oil is utterly -worthless as a medicine, and the whiskey usually recommended to be taken -in connection is decidedly injurious. It is poisonous. I defy one to -obtain a pure article of whiskey in this country. If it could by any means -be obtained in its purity, it would not cure this disease any more than -the nasty oil from fishes’ livers. The oil is often given, not as a -medicine, but as an article of nourishment. If<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_803" id="Page_803">[Pg 803]</a></span> the patient so understands -it, all right; it will do no harm; but if he thinks that he is taking a -remedial agent, he is deceived thereby, and losing the precious time in -which he ought to be employing some remedy for his recovery. The -statements that cod-liver oil contains iodine, lime, phosphorus, etc., is -all bosh. A most reliable druggist of this city, who has sold a <i>ton or -two</i> of the oil, told me that “all the iodine or phosphorus that it -contains you might put into your eye, and not injure that organ.”</p> - -<p>If good, wholesome bread, butter, milk, eggs, and beef, will not give -nutriment to the wasting system, cod-liver oil will not, and the patient -must die—provided he has trusted to nutriment alone.</p> - -<p>I have never known a consumptive patient to recover upon cod-liver oil. I -have known them to recover by other treatment, particularly by the use of -the phosphates, as “phosphate of lime,” and iron, soda, and other -combinations. I have intimated that a patient should be advised by “his -physician;” but if that physician is one of the old-fogy style who insists -upon cod-liver oil and whiskey as a cure, why, you had better “change -horses in crossing a river,” than to perish on an old, worn-out hobby! -There are two classes of patients which the doctor has to deal with; one -will follow no instructions accurately, the other swallows everything -literally.</p> - -<p>I remember a story illustrative of the latter. A dyspeptic applied to Dr. -C. for treatment. The doctor looked into the case, gave a prescription, -telling the patient to take it, and return in a fortnight.</p> - -<p>At the designated time he returned, radiant and happy.</p> - -<p>“Did you follow my directions?” inquired the physician.</p> - -<p>“O, yes, to the letter, doctor; and see—I am well!”</p> - -<p>“I have forgotten just what I gave you; let me see the prescription,” said -the doctor, delighted at his success.</p> - -<p>“I haven’t it. Why, I took it, sir.”</p> - -<p>“Took it—the medicine, you mean,” explained the man of pills and powders.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_804" id="Page_804">[Pg 804]</a></span>“Medicine? No. You gave me no medicine—nothing but a paper, and I took -that according to directions. That’s what cured me.”</p> - -<p>The clown had swallowed the recipe!</p> - -<p>The consumptive requires nourishment. He must derive it from wholesome -food,—even fat meats are beneficial,—not from medicines. Let food be one -thing, medicine another. I believe that a man would starve upon cod-liver -oil. He would not upon bread or beef.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sit and Lie Straight.</span></p> - -<p>Go into one of our school-houses, and you may there see subjects preparing -for consumption. Our illustrations will give the reader a correct idea of -our meaning, without any explanation. The sewing-machines, or rather the -position which many girls assume while sitting at their work by them from -three to twelve hours a day, tend to depression of the lungs, obstruction -of circulation, reduction of the vitality, dyspepsia, and sooner or later -lead to consumption.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img247.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A HEALTHY POSITION.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>Let everybody when walking stand erect, with shoulders slightly thrown -back rather than inclined towards the chest, then outward, and keep the -mouth closed. When sitting, keep the body erect, or lean back slightly, -resting the shoulders, rather than the spinal column, against any -substance excepting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_805" id="Page_805">[Pg 805]</a></span> feathers, changing the limbs from time to time to any -easy position. If tired, and one can consistently “loll,” recline to one -side, resting the cheek upon the hand. If one is very tired, and desires -to “rest fast,” sit with the feet and hands crossed or arms folded.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img248.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">A CONSUMPTIVE POSITION.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>If you lie crooked in bed, do it on the side. “To bend up double, man -never was made,” says the song. Do not bolster up the head so as to get a -square look at your toes, or, being in a feather bed, till you resemble a -letter C. Rather use but one light curled-hair pillow. It is cool and -healthy. Avoid feather beds and pillows.</p> - -<p>“Didn’t your ‘grandma sleep during nearly a hundred years’ on a feather -bed?” My quizzer has returned, peeped over my shoulder, and asked this -question. Now see me quench him at a swoop.</p> - -<p>“Yes, she did; and I think it probable that if she had not she would have -been living now. My grandmother’s good habits, free use of muscle, -sunshine, and air, more than offset the use of mince pies, and the evil of -sleeping on a feather bed in winter.”</p> - -<p>I sleep on a hair mattress and pillow the year round. They are the best.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_806" id="Page_806">[Pg 806]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Catarrh and Cold Feet.—How to cure both.</span></p> - -<p>Catarrh is peculiarly a Yankee disease. Now, how does a Yankee differ in -his habits from the rest of the world’s people?</p> - -<p>Let me tell you wherein he differs. The “five minutes for refreshments” is -an illustration. He hurries, he rushes, he’s a talker; and having hurried -unnecessarily, and got himself all in a perspiration, he stops to talk -with a friend on the street, in a current of air, possibly in a puddle of -water, the consequence of which is checked perspiration, a cold, the -catarrh. If the circulation to the skin is checked, that excretory organ -ceases to throw off the waste and worn-out matter of the system, and the -work is thrown upon the mucous membrane, which if failing to perform the -unnatural office, the patient goes into a decline. Set this down as reason -No. 1 for the catarrh being peculiarly a “Yankee disease.”</p> - -<p>Chronic catarrh necessarily must be connected with a bad circulation of -the blood, a want of action in the skin, and usually with cold feet. I -must take time to explain these causes of a disease which usually leads to -the more fatal one—consumption. Now we have cold feet and loss of action -in the skin. Result, catarrh, terminating fatal in consumption.</p> - -<p>To keep the feet warm is to restore the circulation. Has your doctor -failed to do this? I fear he did not understand the connection, or the -patient did not follow his instructions. Dip the cold feet into a little -cold water! Is that “too homeopathic?”—cold to cure cold! Never mind, do -it. It feels cold at first. Well, catch them out, rub them vigorously with -a towel, then with the hands, and when quite red, cover them up in bed, or -in stockings and boots. Repeat it daily till cured. Wear thick-soled boots -and shoes always. Meantime, take a dose of the third dilution of sulphur -mornings, or at ten A. M., and the third trituration of calcarea-carbonica -at early bedtime.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_807" id="Page_807">[Pg 807]</a></span>To restore the loss of circulation to the skin, meantime—for they must -both be cured together—take a daily hand-bath; that is, with the hand and -in a comfortable room, apply a dose of castile or Windsor soap to the -skin, half of the person at a time, if the weather is cool,—avoiding a -current of air,—then, with cool or cold water, <i>and the hand only</i>, wash -rapidly over the surface, following quickly with a dry towel and the dry -hand, till warm. Cover the upper extremity, and proceed to wash the other -portion of the body in the same manner. I really believe that there are -individuals with such peculiar temperaments, or low state of the blood, -that they cannot bear cold water. See to it that it is not fear, or habit, -which prevents its use, before abandoning a remedy of such curative -powers.</p> - -<p>Now, there is no other way under heaven whereby man can be saved from -catarrh than this which I have here given. If the patient requires further -medical treatment, he or she surely requires this, else there is no -catarrh in the case.</p> - -<p>“But can’t you give me some snuff, doctor?”</p> - -<p>Snuffs and nasal injections are humbugs. They will not cure a chronic -catarrh. The sugar and gum arabic powder is excellent for the local -irritation. That is all any local remedy can reach. Thousands of dollars -are expended annually for “Catarrh Remedies,” which never cured a case -yet, but have been the death of thousands, by aggravating and prolonging -the disease.</p> - -<p>Indigestion and “a goneness at the stomach” not unusually accompany the -above disease. In addition to the instructions here given, rubbing and -slapping the region of the stomach with water and the hand, and taking -small quantities of extract gentian, orange-peel, dock, and ginger, equal -parts, twice daily, following the directions regarding slow eating and -cheerfulness, will eventually remove the distressing disease.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_808" id="Page_808">[Pg 808]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Other Things to be Avoided.</span></p> - -<p>For consumption, the old-fogy treatment by squills, ipecac, laudanum, and -the host of expectorants, is worthless. One of the fatalities in this -disease has been the sticking to these useless medicines by a certain -class of physicians and patients.</p> - -<p>Use no tobacco. If tight-lacing and confined habits, as want of air and -exercise, have been conducive to the development of consumption in -females, more repulsive habits have led to catarrhal affections, -destruction of the vitality, and finally to consumption in many of the -opposite sex. Does the mother, by habits which injure her health, -jeopardize the life and health of her offspring? The husband and father, -by the debasing and health-destroying habit of tobacco-using, injures both -mother and child. The description which I have given in the article on -tobacco, respecting cleansing the young man, and purifying him fit for -society, is no joke! The clothes, skin, blood, muscle, and bones,—even -the seminal fluid,—of the confirmed tobacco-user, all are impregnated -with tobacco poison. Does any one question but something of this virus is -transmitted to the offspring? Further, I have known many a wife to become -tobacco-diseased,—nervous, yellow, sick at the stomach, dyspeptic, -neuralgic, etc.,—suffering untold horrors, from lying, night after night, -during year in and year out, beside a great, filthy, tobacco-plant of a -husband!</p> - -<p>Perhaps some sensitive gentleman—user of the weed of course—may object -to my way of putting it. Sound truths, like sound meat, require no -mincing. We know that children, sleeping constantly with elderly people, -become prematurely old and infirm. We know also that nurses and others, -sleeping with perpetual invalids, imbibe their diseases. The skin of the -tobacco-user is continually giving off the tobacco poison—<i>nicotine</i>—and -the more susceptible skin<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_809" id="Page_809">[Pg 809]</a></span> of the female, or child, by its absorbent -powers, is as continually taking in this poison. There are many -tobacco-users, who, if they knew this fact, would for this reason, if no -other, abandon the injurious and sinful habit; would not want to continue -a habit—be it never so slavish—which, aside from its injury to -themselves, was destroying the health and lives of his wife and his -children.</p> - -<p>Tobacco exhausts the saliva, the fluids, the blood, often the muscle, <i>and -destroys the recuperative powers of the human system</i>. It weakens the -power of the heart. Nine tenths of the reported deaths from “heart -disease” really originate, or result directly from the effects of -tobacco-using. And, finally, it destroys the good effects of nearly all -medicines. I positively affirm that no patient afflicted with a chronic -disease can recover by the use of medicines if he continues the excessive -use of tobacco.</p> - -<p>I think these are good and conclusive reasons why one should not use that -pernicious weed—tobacco.</p> - -<p>Avoid all excesses, particularly of coition. Consumptives should husband -all their resources. One other way of doing this is to keep from wasting -the breath and caloric of the system through the mouth. Again, I say, -breathe only through the nostrils. Keep out of crowded and unventilated -halls, school-rooms, churches, and houses. Air! air and sunshine! don’t -forget them.</p> - -<p>Avoid patent medicines. They are worthless. Even if one in a thousand were -adapted to the <i>disease</i> in question, it might not be to the peculiar -constitution of the invalid.</p> - -<p>People are so differently constituted that one kind of food, clothing, or -medicine cannot be adapted to all. I wish that I could tell every reader -of these pages what remedies are adapted to persons suffering from not -only consumption, but from a hundred other diseases. But it is impossible, -as intimated in the fore part of this chapter. Not only the quality<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_810" id="Page_810">[Pg 810]</a></span> of a -medicine suited to one constitution may not be at all suited to another, -but the quantity is even as uncertain. It requires much knowledge and long -experience in the disease, and its various peculiarities, as also of the -varied constitution and idiosyncrasies of different patients, in order to -prescribe successfully.</p> - -<p>As the majority of the readers of this work are predisposed to -consumption, let them seek to prevent its development in their systems. -The writer has done this; he has told you in plain terms how it was done, -how it still can be; but it is you who must believe in and abide by these -instructions. Do this, and you will scarcely require to obtain and retain -the knowledge of a thousand remedies and a complete knowledge of yourself, -which it requires a lifetime of practice and study to possess.</p> - -<p>Dr. Worcester Beach, of New York, in one of his botanical works, tells of -a country-woman who, having been given up as incurable with consumption, -gathered and boiled together all the different kinds of herbs and barks -which she could find upon the farm, and making this decoction into a -syrup, drank of it freely, and was cured thereby! I would not recommend -this empirical sort of practice, but quote it to show the uncertainty of -what medicine was adapted to the case.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img249.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_811" id="Page_811">[Pg 811]</a></span></p> -<h2><a name="XXXIV" id="XXXIV"></a>XXXIV.</h2> -<p class="title">ACCIDENTS.</p> - -<div class="note"><p class="hang"><small>RULES FOR MACHINISTS, MECHANICS, RAILROAD MEN, ETC., IN CASES OF -ACCIDENT.—HOW TO FIND AN ARTERY AND STOP THE BLEEDING.—DROWNING; TO -RESTORE.—SUN-STROKE.—AVOID ICE.—“ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN.”—WHAT TO -HAVE IN THE HOUSE.—BRUISES.—BURNS.—DO THE BEST YOU CAN, AND TRUST -GOD FOR THE REST.</small></p></div> - -<p> </p> -<p>Mechanics, machinists, railroad men, etc., may find the following rules of -the most vital importance in case of accidents, whereby valuable lives may -be saved:—</p> - -<p>1. When a person is seriously injured, do not crowd around him; give him -air.</p> - -<p>2. Send for a surgeon or physician at once.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img250.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">FIG. 1.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>3. Lay the patient on his back, and ascertain whether he is bleeding. If -it is from the artery of the fore-arm, it must be compressed immediately. -If from the <i>artery</i>, the blood will <i>spurt out in jets</i>. Do not try to -stanch the blood at the wound, but find the main artery. Strip the arm, -feel for the artery, a little below the arm-pit, <i>just inside</i> of the -<i>large muscle</i>. (Fig. 1.) <i>You can feel it throb.</i> Press it with your -thumbs or fingers, while an assistant folds a large handkerchief, or piece -of shirt, if necessary, and ties a knot in the middle, or places a <i>flat</i>, -<i>round</i> stone in it, puts this over the artery, ties the handkerchief below -the thumbs, puts<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_812" id="Page_812">[Pg 812]</a></span> a stick through, and twists it just tight enough to stop -the bleeding. (Fig. 2.) The first man may relax his grasp, to ascertain if -the compress is sufficiently tight. If you get the knot (or stone) on the -artery, a few twists will check the blood. If the limb becomes cold and -purple, you have got it too tight. One end of the stick may be tucked -under the bandage to hold it from untwisting. The surgeon will arrive and -take up the bleeding vessel and tie it.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img251.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">FIG. 2.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>4. If it be the leg which is cut or mangled and bleeding, find the artery, -inside the thigh, quite high up, back of the large muscle. (Fig. 3.) Bear -on quite hard, for it is deeper than in the arm, till you feel it throb. -Compress it hard, and proceed with the bandage as above directed for the -arm. The large artery (femoral) bleeds fast. Work quickly, and do not get -excited.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img252.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">FIG. 3.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>A schoolmate of mine died in a few moments, in a blacksmith shop, from a -piece of steel flying into his leg. If the smith had known this simple -process, stripped the boy, and compressed the artery till help arrived, he -would have saved a life, an only son, the support and solace of a widowed -mother.</p> - -<p>5. If the wound is much below the knee, find the artery (Fig. 4.) in the -hollow back of the knee (<i>popliteal space</i>), and proceed as above -directed.</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img253.jpg" alt="" /></p> -<p class="caption">FIG. 4.</p> -<p> </p> - -<p>6. If a wound is not of an artery, that is, if the blood does not spurt -out, bandaging the wound may do till the doctor arrives.</p> - -<p>7. If the shock has prostrated the patient, give him a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_813" id="Page_813">[Pg 813]</a></span> teaspoonful of -brandy or other liquor—always provided he has not been drinking. Many -accidents occur in consequence of liquor-drinking. If the patient is cold, -faint, and prostrate, wrap him or her up warm, placing hot bricks, or jugs -of hot water, at the feet. When he can swallow, some hot tea, or soup, may -be given, if necessary.</p> - -<p>8. If the patient has delirium tremens, give him strong coffee.</p> - -<p>9. To remove an injured person, do not call a carriage, but take a -shutter, or board, or door, throw your coats upon it, and tenderly place -him thereon. Carry him carefully. Don’t keep step in walking; he will ride -easier without.</p> - -<p>10. If a patient faints, give him air. Let him lie on the back. Wipe the -face with a little water. A little camphor in water may be applied to the -face and temples, provided he has not been using it already to excess. -Camphor, used excessively, may keep one faint a long time. Let the clothes -be loosened. Keep cool, and wait.</p> - -<p>11. Avoid all rude and alarming conversation around the patient. When he -recovers a little, do not press around and confuse him with questions of -“What can I do for you?” etc. <i>Let him rest.</i></p> - -<p>12. If a person has been under water, <i>don’t roll him to get the water out -of him. There is no water there beyond the mouth.</i> The life has been -rolled out of many a poor wretch, over a barrel, under this foolish -delusion of “getting the water out of him.” Lay him on his side, in a warm -room, or in the sun. Try to inflate the lungs. Don’t get a “bellows,” and -blow him full of wind. He is not like a bladder, or a balloon, that he -needs inflating thus. To breathe is what he needs. Let the water, if any, -in the mouth, run out. Wrap him warm—hot water at feet. Rub the limbs, if -cold, for a long time. Persevere. Do not give him up until a good -physician has arrived, and pronounced him beyond all hope of recovery.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_814" id="Page_814">[Pg 814]</a></span></p> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sun-stroke (Coup de Soleil).</span></p> - -<p>The “ounce of prevention” must first be considered in this case.</p> - -<p>1. All who can should keep in the shade during the extreme heat of the -summer days. You who must “bear the heat and burden of the day” may not be -able always to avoid the direct rays of the scorching sun. Wide-rimmed -palm or straw hats should be worn, and when the noonday sun pours down its -sultry beams, wet the hair, or keep a green leaf, or wet handkerchief, in -your hat. This will surely prevent sun-stroke, by the evaporation of -moisture. If away in the field, swinging the scythe, or with spade -levelling the “everlasting hills,” and no water is near, place some green -grass or damp earth in the hat,—any way to avoid sun-stroke and sudden -death!</p> - -<p>2. You will see, every summer, a paragraph in the newspapers recommending -the application of ice to the head in case of threatened sun-stroke, or -after sun-stroke. Do not believe all you see in the papers. Just sit down -and reason a moment. Think of the great, extreme transition from the -powerful heat of the sun’s rays on the brain to that of the application of -<i>ice</i>! It requires but little thought to convince one that the extreme -contrast must give such a shock to the brain (or blood therein) as nature -cannot resist. Did you ever know a patient to recover from sun-stroke when -ice had been applied to his head? <i>I think not.</i></p> - -<p>I have known one to recover from warm, moist applications. Let the head be -kept wet (moist) with tepid water, and covered over by a dry cloth. He -cannot swallow. Do not choke him by villanous whiskey poured into the -mouth. Having placed him in a warm bed, removed his clothes, and made him -comfortable, send for a physician.</p> - - -<p> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_815" id="Page_815">[Pg 815]</a></span></p> -<p class="center">“<span class="smcap">Accidents will happen.</span>”</p> - -<p>Yes, and every family should be prepared for them.</p> - -<p>1. As a remedy against fatal results, in severe cases, and for deliverance -from pain, even in smaller accidents, every family should keep in the -house an ounce bottle of tincture of arnica, the cost of which is -trifling. Keep it well labelled, and out of the reach of children. To -drink it is injurious.</p> - -<p>2. For a bruise, or any injury, put half a teaspoonful of the arnica into -a teacupful of tepid water, and bathe tenderly the wound. Then wet a cloth -in the liquid, bind it on with a dry cloth outside to exclude the air. -When dry, if pain or tenderness remains, renew the application. This will -soon reduce any “bump” on your little ones’ heads, except a real -phrenological “bump.” A woman once brought a boy to my office, to have me -give her some “liniment for a bad bump on the child’s head,” showing me -the place.</p> - -<p>“Madam,” I said, “I think a considerable persuasion, with plenty of -patient kindness, will do more than medicine to reduce that bump. It is -called, by phrenologists, ‘firmness.’ By the development, I should judge -that the boy was very stubborn.”</p> - -<p>3. For burns and scalds, keep in the house a vial of tincture of urtica -urens. Apply it to burns as above directed for wounds. When the smarting -ceases, and the wound is whitish, omit it, and dress the wound with a -little mutton tallow on a linen cloth.</p> - -<p>Keep no patent medicines about; then you will be less likely to be dosing -with them. It is hard to tell what are good, and do not make a medical -depot of your stomach to ascertain.</p> - -<p>The individual who is continually dabbling in medicines is a perpetual -invalid, from the result of such everlasting dosing.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_816" id="Page_816">[Pg 816]</a></span>If you regard the concise, yet sufficient, instructions for preserving -health laid down herein, particularly after noting the hints thrown out -all through the body of the book, you will annually have less and less -occasion for the use of medicines.</p> - -<p>When you actually think you require a physician, get the best,—the best -article is the cheapest in the end,—and abide by his counsel. I have told -you of some remarkable characters in the history of medicine; but the harp -and flowing locks of Apollo, the caduceus of Mercury, the staff of -Æsculapius, the hoary beard of Hippocrates, the baton of De Sault, the -three-tailed wig of Atkins, the silken coat and charming address of Dr. -Reynolds, the gay equipage of Hannes, the library of Radcliffe, or the -knowing nods and significant silence of some of the more modern doctors, -will avail nothing in the time of great danger and distress.</p> - -<p>It is the truly kind-hearted, humane, and educated physician upon whom you -must depend in your time of need. Seek such. There are yet many; humanity -is not a thing entirely of the past. Who loses faith in humanity has lost -it in God. Do the best your circumstances allow in all things,—</p> - -<p class="poem">“Angels can no more,”—</p> - -<p>receiving all afflictions cheerfully, looking hopefully to God for his -blessing, which faileth not, in all the walks of “this life and in that -which is to come.”</p> - -<p> </p> -<p class="figcenter"><img src="images/img254.jpg" alt="" /></p> - - - -<p> </p><p> </p> -<hr style="width: 50%;" /> -<p><strong>Footnotes:</strong></p> - -<p><a name='f_1' id='f_1' href='#fna_1'>[1]</a> Small door or window, through which to receive night calls, etc.</p> - -<p><a name='f_2' id='f_2' href='#fna_2'>[2]</a> The art of embalming was known, and even practised by “servants,” -translated or called physicians, or sometimes apothecaries (or “by his -arts”), four thousand years ago. Jacob, Joseph, Asa, and others were -embalmed. The Egyptians were early versed in this art, which now is -almost, or entirely, lost.</p> - -<p><a name='f_3' id='f_3' href='#fna_3'>[3]</a> Dover’s Powder.</p> - -<p><a name='f_4' id='f_4' href='#fna_4'>[4]</a> See <a href="#frontis">Frontispiece</a>.</p> - -<p><a name='f_5' id='f_5' href='#fna_5'>[5]</a> This illustrates our “Origin of Ghosts.”</p> - -<p><a name='f_6' id='f_6' href='#fna_6'>[6]</a> An Irishman, who was once asked why the parents of Christ were obliged -to lodge in a stable on the night of the Saviour’s birth, replied, “And -weren’t the inns full of the crowd, who had gone up before to celebrate -Christmas?”</p> - -<p><a name='f_7' id='f_7' href='#fna_7'>[7]</a> The writer was fortunately born on Christmas (Sabbath) day. He hopes -the publishers will present his picture in this book to prove his -“fairness,” and let the wisdom of these pages prove the remainder.</p> - -<p><a name='f_8' id='f_8' href='#fna_8'>[8]</a> The medical man in quest of a curiosity will be gratified by looking -on page 228 of Hastings’ Surgery, where he will find the head and face of -a female engraved on the nude body of a male. I discovered it -accidentally, but how such an <i>error</i> (?) could have occurred I cannot -say.</p> - -<p><a name='f_9' id='f_9' href='#fna_9'>[9]</a> Casa Wappy, a self-conferred, pet name of the little boy.</p> - -<p><a name='f_10' id='f_10' href='#fna_10'>[10]</a> <span class="smcap">Esquimaux Hospitality.</span>—Dr. Kane relates that one day, worn out by -fatigue, he turned into an Esquimaux hut to get a little sleep. His -good-natured hostess covered him up with some of her own habiliments, and -gave him her baby for a pillow; which, Dr. Spooner says, was a living -illustration of the kindness of woman.</p> - - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Funny Side of Physic, by A. D. 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