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diff --git a/41249-0.txt b/41249-0.txt index 8f61fc5..5414f6b 100644 --- a/41249-0.txt +++ b/41249-0.txt @@ -1,36 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Among the Humorists and After Dinner -Speakers, Vol. I, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. I - A New Collection of Humorous Stories and Anecdotes - -Author: Various - -Release Date: October 31, 2012 [EBook #41249] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMONG HUMORISTS, AFTER-DINNER SPEAKERS *** - - - - -Produced by D Alexander, Matthew Wheaton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41249 *** [Illustration: OLIVER HERFORD] @@ -10320,359 +10288,4 @@ haint missed nuthin’ but mah watch yit, boss.” End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. I, by Various -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMONG HUMORISTS, AFTER-DINNER SPEAKERS *** - -***** This file should be named 41249-0.txt or 41249-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/1/2/4/41249/ - -Produced by D Alexander, Matthew Wheaton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. I - A New Collection of Humorous Stories and Anecdotes - -Author: Various - -Release Date: October 31, 2012 [EBook #41249] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMONG HUMORISTS, AFTER-DINNER SPEAKERS *** - - - - -Produced by D Alexander, Matthew Wheaton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - [Illustration: OLIVER HERFORD] - - - - - AMONG THE HUMORISTS AND AFTER-DINNER SPEAKERS - - A NEW COLLECTION OF HUMOROUS STORIES AND ANECDOTES - - SELECTED AND ARRANGED BY WILLIAM PATTEN - - Editor of American Short Story Classics, - Foreign Short Story Classics, etc. - - VOL. I - - - P. F. COLLIER & SON - NEW YORK - - - COPYRIGHT 1909 BY P. F. COLLIER & SON - - - - - - PARTIAL LIST OF THE NAMES OF STORY-TELLERS IN THIS VOLUME - - - GEORGE ADE SIR WILFRID LAURIER - - BRET HARTE OLIVER HERFORD - - MARK TWAIN J. M. BARRIE - - SEC. OF STATE P. C. KNOX RICHARD MANSFIELD - - W. M. EVARTS JOHN SHARP WILLIAMS - - DE WOLF HOPPER J. G. BLAINE - - KING EDWARD OF ENGLAND PHILLIPS BROOKS - - JOSEPH JEFFERSON DANIEL J. SULLY - - LORD BEACONSFIELD BILL NYE - - ABRAHAM LINCOLN JOHN C. SPOONER - - ALVEY A. ADEE ROBERT EDESON - - PATRICK A. COLLINS ANDREW LANG - - HORACE T. EASTMAN BENJAMIN R. TILLMAN - - D. G. ROSSETTI WILLIAM E. GLADSTONE - - J. M. MACLAREN CHARLES LAMB - - DEAN SWIFT EDWIN BOOTH - - CLYDE FITCH WEEDON GROSSMITH - - J. MCNEILL WHISTLER SENATOR W. A. CLARK - - LEIGH HUNT FRANCIS WILSON - - EDWARD EVERETT HALE CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW - - DEAN HOLE ALBERT J. BEVERIDGE - - IRVING BACHELLER BEERBOHM TREE - - THOMAS B. REED HERBERT S. STONE - - J. C. S. BLACKBURN FRANK R. STOCKTON - - N. C. GOODWIN HENRY JAMES - - BRANDER MATTHEWS WILLIAM ALLEN WHITE - - ANDREW CARNEGIE BISHOP BREWSTER - - SPEAKER CANNON FREDERIC REMINGTON - - WALTER DAMROSCH JULIAN RALPH - - REV. ROBERT COLLYER SENATOR JOHN T. MORGAN - - REV. SAM JONES J. J. INGALLS - - DEAN KIRCHWEY ARCHBISHOP RYAN - - JOHN WANAMAKER J. A. TAWNEY - - HENRY GUY CARLETON THOS. BAILEY ALDRICH - - CHARLES FRANCIS ADAMS ELIHU ROOT - - - - - -_PREFACE_ - - -_The collection of these humorous paragraphs has extended over a -number of years. Even a small beginning became a source of such -entertainment that the collection grew and grew, always without any -thought of publication._ - -_The man who can not laugh has yet to be found. Therein lies that -immediate appeal to a common ground which the sense of humor gives, -and it has been a conspicuous characteristic of those who look to the -public for appreciation and support. Lord Palmerston and Abraham -Lincoln were two notable examples of men for whom sympathy quickened -through their ready wit, and no political speaker drives home his -arguments half so well as he who can introduce a witty illustration. -The joke has ever been a potent factor in combating oppression and -corruption, in ridiculing shams. It has embalmed some reputations, and -has blasted others. It is the champion of the weak against the strong, -and has often illuminated for us, as in a flash, a glimpse of -character or custom that would otherwise have been lost to the world._ - -_There is only one similar collection of which I am aware, the "Jest -Book" by Mark Lemon, who was for twenty-nine years the editor of -"Punch." Alas that there should be fashions in jokes as well as in -hats, for much of his book that we know must have been humorous -reading to his contemporaries, leaves us, of the present generation in -America, indifferent._ - -_I shall be glad if some of my readers are minded to do a graceful act -and send me, in return, some paragraphs to add to my collection._ - -_I wish to take this opportunity to thank the following publications -for the paragraphs borrowed from their columns:_ - -_Evening Sun, Lippincott's, Pittsburg Dispatch, San Francisco -News-Letter, Ladies' Home Journal, Washington Star, Mail and Express, -Youth's Companion, Life, Good Housekeeping, Argonaut, Buffalo -Commercial, Tit-Bits, Punch, The Tattler, Harper's Weekly, Harper's -Monthly, Democratic Telegram, Cleveland Plaindealer, Harvard Lampoon, -Judge, Philadelphia Ledger, Saturday Evening Post, Philadelphia -Evening Bulletin, Boston Herald, Kansas City Star, Washington Post, -Success, Atchison Globe, New York Times, Woman's Home Companion, -London Mail, Louisville Courier-Journal, Rochester Post-Express, New -York Tribune, New York Observer, Chicago Daily News, Pittsburg Post, -Pittsburg Observer, Philadelphia Public Ledger, New York World, -Pick-me-up, Harper's Bazar, The Green Bag, Tacoma Ledger, Pittsburg -Dispatch, The Wasp, Cornell Widow, Washington Post, Kansas City -Independent, Short Stories._ - -_W. P._ - - - - -AMONG THE HUMORISTS AND AFTER-DINNER SPEAKERS - - -There is a delicious flavor about this story of a Virginia lady, -married to a man who, though uniformly unsuccessful in his hunting -trips, boastingly spoke of his "killings." - -One day, returning from a trip, with the usual accompaniment of an -empty bag, it occurred to him that his wife would make fun of him if -he returned without even one proof of his oft-boasted skill. So he -purchased a brace of partridges to deceive his trusting spouse. As he -threw them on the table in front of her, he observed: "Well, my dear, -you see I am not so awkward with the gun after all." - -"Dick," replied the wife, turning from the birds with a grimace, after -a brief examination, "you were quite right in shooting these birds -to-day; to-morrow it would have been too late." - - * * * * * - -Uncle Toby was aghast at finding a strange darky with his arm around -Mandy's waist. - -"Mandy, tell dat niggah to take his ahm 'way from round yo' waist," he -indignantly commanded. "Tell him yo'self," said Mandy haughtily. "He's -a puffect stranger to me." - - * * * * * - -A Cockney tourist was on a visit to a Highland town famous for its -golf-links. Through wearing a pair of stiff leather gaiters several -sizes too large for him, he was compelled to walk bow-legged. Being a -very slow player, others were forced to wait for him at every hole. At -the fourth hole a Highlander after watching the visitor miss the ball -three times was unable to wait any longer, and drove his ball clean -between the tourist's legs. "What!" he of the gaitered legs yelled -furiously. "Do you call that golf?" "Mebbe no," replied the Gael, "but -it's very good croquet." - - * * * * * - -After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook hands -with a young German. - -"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector. - -"Yes," said the German, "I take the 7.45 every morning." - - * * * * * - -Meeting a negro, a certain Southern gentleman asked him how he was -getting on. - -The negro assumed a troubled look, and replied: - -"Oh, so far's physicality goes, I'm all right; but I sure do have ma -troubles wif ma wife." - -"Well, Sam, I'm sorry to hear that. What seems to be the matter?" - -"She thinks money grows on trees, I reckon. All de time she keeps -pesterin' me foh pinch o' change. If it ain't a dollah it's half or a -quarter she wants." - -"What on earth does she do with the money?" - -"I dunno. Ain't nevah give her none yet." - - * * * * * - -A mountaineer of one of the back counties of North Carolina was -arraigned with several others for illicit distilling. "Defendant," -said the court, "what is your name?" - -"Joshua," was the reply. - -"Are you the man who made the sun stand still?" - -Quick as a flash came the answer, "No, sir; I am the man who made the -moonshine." - - * * * * * - -"They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first -Napoleon than they do now," said a well-known Frenchman. "The emperor -one day met an old one-armed veteran. - -"'How did you lose your arm?' he asked. - -"'Sire, at Austerlitz.' - -"'And were you not decorated?' - -"'No, sire.' - -"'Then here is my own cross for you; I make you chevalier.' - -"'Your Majesty names me chevalier because I have lost one arm! What -would your Majesty have done had I lost both arms?' - -"'Oh, in that case I should have made you Officer of the Legion.' - -"Whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off his -other arm." - -There is no particular reason to doubt this story. The only question -is, how did he do it? - - * * * * * - -A stranger in Boston was interested to discover, when dining with -friends once, that the dessert he would have classed as cream layer -cake at home was known in Boston as "Washington pie." And the next -time he lunched at a restaurant, he ordered the same thing; but the -waiter put before him a rather heavy looking square of cake covered -with chocolate, instead of the cream cake the guest had made up his -mind to enjoy. A puzzled expression came over his face as he said -reprovingly, "I ordered _Washington_ pie, waiter." - -"That is Washington pie, sir." - -"Well," expostulated the disappointed man, "I did not mean Booker -T.--I want _George!_" - - * * * * * - -George Ade, automobiling in Indiana, dined at a country hotel among a -roomful of ministers. - -The ministers, who were holding a convention in the town, were much -amused when Mr. Ade's identity was disclosed to them. - -One of them said during dinner: - -"How does a humorist of your stamp feel, sir, in such reverend company -as this?" - -"I feel," said Mr. Ade promptly, "like a lion in a den of Daniels." - - * * * * * - -It was a crowded tram car. Among those who could not find seats was a -young lady. Close to where she stood an old man was sitting. He -struggled as if to rise. The young woman cast a glance of scorn at one -or two men hiding behind newspapers. "Please don't get up," she said -to the old man, "I beg you won't." The conductor rang the bell and the -car went on. The old man's features worked convulsively and he mopped -his face with his handkerchief. At the next stopping place he again -tried to rise and again the young woman tried to stop him. "I would -much rather stand," she said, continuing to block his way. "I don't -care whether you would or not," said the old man, crimson with fury, -"I want to get out. You've made me come half a mile too far already. -Here, you, stop the car." But it was too late, the bell had already -rung and he had to wait until the next stopping place was reached. - - * * * * * - -"I want some cigars for my husband for Christmas." - -"What kind, madam?" - -"Well, I don't know, exactly; but he is a middle-aged man and always -dresses in black." - - * * * * * - -John D. Rockefeller, Jr., tells a story of his father: - -"Father tells many stories. Sometimes he tells a new one. Not long ago -he related one to me that concerned a man who had imbibed rather too -freely. The man, in this condition, fell into a watering trough. To -the officer who came to help him out as he wallowed in the water, he -said: - -"'Offzer, I ken save self. You save women an' shildern.'" - - * * * * * - -"On Sunday, September 20, the wife of ---- of a daughter. Others -please copy." - - * * * * * - -Bret Harte was so frequently complimented as the author of "Little -Breeches" that he was almost as sorry it was ever written as was -Colonel John Hay, who preferred his fame to rest on more ambitious -works. A gushing lady who prided herself upon her literary tastes, -said to him once: "My dear Mr. Harte, I am so delighted to meet you. I -have read everything you ever wrote, but of all your dialect verse -there is none that compares to your 'Little Breeches.'" - -"I quite agree with you, madam," said Mr. Harte, "but you have put the -little breeches on the wrong man." - - * * * * * - -Mr. Knox, the Secretary of State in Taft's Cabinet, was formerly -engaged in the practise of law in Pittsburg. - -One day, says a friend, Mr. Knox was much put out to find on his -arrival at his office that everything was topsy-turvy and that the -temperature of his rooms was much too low for comfort. Summoning his -office-boy, a lad but recently entered his employ, the lawyer asked -who had raised every window in the place on such a cold morning. - -"Mr. Muldoon, sir," was the answer. - -"Who is Mr. Muldoon?" asked the attorney. - -"The janitor, sir." - -"Who carried off my waste-basket?" was the next question. - -"Mr. Reilly, sir." - -"And who is Mr. Reilly?" - -"He's the man that cleans the rooms." - -Mr. Knox looked sternly at the boy and said: "See here, Richard, we -call men by their first names here. We don't 'mister' them in this -office. Do you understand?" - -"Yes, sir." And the boy retired. - -In a few minutes he reappeared and in a shrill, piping voice -announced: - -"There's a gentleman that wants to see you, Philander." - - * * * * * - -A Scottish parson, still on the under side of forty, was driving home -from an outlying hamlet when he overtook a young woman. He recognized -her as the maid of all work at a farm which he would pass, so he -pulled up and offered her a lift. Mary gladly accepted his offer and -they chatted pleasantly all the way to the farm gate. - -"Thank you, sir," she said as she got down. - -"Don't mention it, Mary. Don't mention it," he told her politely. - -"No, I won't," Mary obligingly assured him. - - * * * * * - -A little girl was shown her newly-arrived baby brother. Looking at him -lovingly she said, "When will he talk, mother?" "Oh not for a long -time yet," said the mother. "Yes, but when?" persisted the child. -"Well, not for a year or so." After thinking for minute the child -exclaimed, "How funny. Miss Clark read out of the Bible this morning -that Job cursed the hour he was born." - - * * * * * - -W. A. Sponsler, when in the Pennsylvania State Legislature, was given -to the making of very elaborate and florid speeches, and one day -brought an address to a close with "_Vox populi, vox Dei_." - -"I'll bet you don't know the meaning of what Sponsler just said," said -Al Crawford to Hugh E. Mackin. - -"I don't know!" replied Mackin, indignantly. "Of course, I know!" - -"You don't know for ten dollars!" suggested Crawford. - -Mackin, still indignant, posted his part of the wager with another -member of the Legislature, and Crawford said tauntingly: - -"Well, now, tell us, what does it mean?" - -"_Vox populi, vox Dei_," quoted Mackin, solemnly, "as everybody knows, -is French for 'My God! why hast thou forsaken me?'" - -"Give him the money," said Crawford. "Darned if he don't know after -all!" - - * * * * * - -There is an old lady living in a small town in southern Pennsylvania -who makes great efforts to keep abreast of the times. Her -opportunities, however, are circumscribed, and she is sometimes -compelled to resort to her imagination. She went to a church sociable -lately, and as she entered the room one of the attendants said: - -"Good evening, auntie. I am glad you came. We are going to have -tableaux this evening." - -"Yes, I know," replied the old lady; "I smelt 'em when I first came -in." - - * * * * * - -Fifer was a dog of friendly and social habits, but when he wandered -into the lecture-tent at a well-known New Thought summer school and -went to sleep between the chairs, he did a very foolish thing. A woman -coming in poked him in the ribs with her parasol, startling him from -his peaceful dreams, and he sprang upon her with a savage bite. A man -grabbed him and he grabbed the man. The excitement was intense when an -earnest little woman standing on a chair cried, "Some one hold the -Thought!" "Hang the Thought!" shouted a man in the rear. "Some one -hold the dog!" - - * * * * * - -The boy was going away to school, full of high hope. - -"I shall make the football team and color two pipes the first year!" -he said bravely. - -His mother kissed him and wept. His father wrung his hand in silence. - -They were too full for speech then. - -But when he was gone, and they were calmer, they talked together of -him, and prayed his ambition might not carry him beyond his strength. - - * * * * * - -The car was entirely empty with the exception of one man, but as I -entered he rose, made me an unsteady but magnificent bow, and said: -"Madam, pleashe be kind 'nough to asshept thish plashe." - -There was nothing else for me to do, so I thanked him and sat down. -And for twenty blocks that idiot hung from a strap, swaying in the -breeze, with not a soul in the car but ourselves. Occasionally I have -been taken for other women; but I never before had any one think that -I was a carful. - - * * * * * - -Husband (after the theater)--"Well, how do you like the piece?" - -Wife--"Very much. There's only one improbable thing in it. The second -act takes place two years after the first, and they have the same -servant." - - * * * * * - -Thomas Hill (the original "Paul Pry") was endeavoring one evening to -cut up an orange in such a fashion as to represent a pig. After -strewing the table with about a dozen peels, he gave up the futile -experiment, saying, "Hang the pig! I can't make him at all." - -"Nonsense, Hill," said Theodore Hook, pointing to the table; "you have -done splendidly. Instead of a pig you have made a litter." - - * * * * * - -An elderly churchwarden in shaving himself one Sunday before -church-time made a slight cut with the razor on the extreme end of his -nose. Quickly calling to his wife, he asked her if she had any -court-plaster in the house. "You will find some in my sewing basket," -she said. The warden soon had the cut covered. At church in assisting -with the collection he noticed everyone smile as he passed the plate, -and some of the younger people laughed outright. Very much annoyed, he -asked a friend if there was anything wrong with his appearance. -"Well, I should think there is," was the answer. "What is that on your -nose?" "Court-plaster." "No," said his friend, "it is the label from a -reel of cotton. It says, 'Warranted 200 yd. long.'" - - * * * * * - -A man who stuttered very badly went to a specialist, and after ten -difficult lessons learned to say quite distinctly, "Peter Piper picked -a peck of pickled peppers." His friends congratulated him upon this -splendid achievement. - -"Yes," said the man, doubtfully, "but it's s-s-such a d-d-deucedly -d-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-work into an ordin-n-nary -c-c-convers-s-sa-tion, y' know." - - * * * * * - -Toastmaster (to chairman of public dinner)--"Would you like to propose -your toast now, my lord, or should we let 'em enjoy themselves a bit -longer?" - - * * * * * - -A visitor to a Sunday-school was asked to address a few remarks to the -children. He took the familiar theme of the children who mocked Elisha -on his journey to Bethel--how the youngsters taunted the poor old -prophet and how they were punished when two she bears came out of the -wood and ate forty-and-two of them. "And now, children," said he, -wishing to learn if his talk had produced any moral effect, "what does -this story show?" "Please, sir," came from a little girl well down in -the front, "it shows how many children two she bears can hold." - - * * * * * - -A curate who had left his parish on account of the attentions of his -lady parishioners, meeting his successor one day in the street asked -him how he got on in his new position. "Very well indeed," returned -the other. "But are not the ladies rather pressing in their -attentions?" "Oh, my dear fellow, I manage that all right, I find -safety in Numbers." "I see," returned his companion, "well, I found -safety in Exodus." - - * * * * * - -"I want some collars for my husband," said a lady in a department -store, "but I am afraid I have forgotten the size." - -"Thirteen and a half, ma'am?" suggested the clerk. - -"That's it. How on earth did you know?" - -"Gentlemen who let their wives buy their collars for 'em are almost -always about that size, ma'am," explained the observant clerk. - - * * * * * - -On a recent occasion before leaving Marlborough House new clothes were -ordered for Prince Edward, and according to custom a tailoress was -sent to fit him at a time which would not interfere with his lessons. -The tailoress duly arrived and was ushered to the Prince's -sitting-room, but on the door being opened she paused as she saw that -a gentleman, whose face was turned toward the fireplace, was sitting -smoking and chatting with the children. Prince Edward, whose manner is -most friendly, at once ran forward and told her to come in, and seeing -that she still hesitated added in a reassuring voice, "You needn't -mind, it's only grandpapa." - - * * * * * - -A physician engaged a nurse, recently graduated, for a case of -delirium tremens. The physician succeeded in quieting his patient and -left some medicine, instructing the nurse to administer it to him if -he "began to see snakes again." At the next call the physician found -the patient again raving. To his puzzled inquiry the nurse replied -that the man had been going on that way for several hours, and that -she had not given him any medicine. - -"But didn't I tell you to give it to him if he began to see snakes -again?" asked the physician. - -"But he didn't see snakes this time," replied the nurse confidently. -"He saw red, white, and blue turkeys with straw hats on." - - * * * * * - -Shortly after his entrance into political life Disraeli stood for a -certain Middlesex borough in the Conservative interest. It was a -"personally conducted" canvass, and, among others, the future Prime -Minister solicited the vote and interest of a well-to-do but somewhat -irascible farmer, who was supposed to be rather doubtful in his -political convictions. - -"Vote for you!" he shouted when Mr. Disraeli made known the object of -his call. "Why, I'd vote for the devil sooner." - -"Ah, quite so!" said Mr. Disraeli, suavely, "but in event of your -friend not standing, may I hope for your interest?" - - * * * * * - -An ambitious youth once sent his first MS. to Dumas, asking the -distinguished novelist to become his _collaborateur_. The latter was -astounded at the impertinence. Angrily seizing his pen, he wrote: "How -dare you, sir, yoke together a noble horse and a contemptible ass?" - -He received the following reply: - -"How dare you sir, call me a horse?" - -His anger vanished and he laughingly penned the following: - -"Send on your MS., my friend; I gladly accept your proposition." - - * * * * * - -An old farmer recently came into possession of a check for $200. He -finally summoned up nerve enough to go to the bank. - -"What denomination?" said the teller, hastily, as the check was passed -in through the window. - -"Luther'n, gol darn it. But what has that got to do with it?" - - * * * * * - -A young woman was in company with a university graduate, and naturally -the talk ran upon books. By and by there was a lull in the -conversation, broken presently by the young woman, who said: "What do -you think of Fielding, Mr. Smith?" - -"Oh," was the answer, "fielding is important, of course; but it isn't -worth much unless you have good pitching and batting." - - * * * * * - -General Frederick D. Grant said to his servant one morning: "James, I -have left my mess boots out. I want them soled." - -"Yes, sir," the servant answered. - -The general, dressing for dinner that night, said again: - -"I suppose, James, that you did as I told you about those boots?" - -James laid thirty-five cents on the bureau. - -"Yes, sir," said he, "and this is all I could get for them, though the -corporal who bought 'em said he'd have given half a dollar if pay day -hadn't been so far off." - - * * * * * - -President Lincoln once wrote to General McClellan, when the latter was -in command of the army. General McClellan, as is well known, conducted -a waiting campaign, being so careful not to make any mistakes that he -made very little headway. President Lincoln sent this brief but -exceedingly pertinent letter: - -"_My dear McClellan_: If you don't want to use the army I should like -to borrow it for a while. - - "Yours respectfully, - - "A. LINCOLN." - - * * * * * - -It was at a children's party in West Kensington. The youngsters had -just done more than justice to the luxurious spread provided by their -hostess, and games were now the order of the evening. - -"Now, children," said she, "we will play the zoo, and each of you must -represent a different animal." - -Then, going to a little girl, she asked: - -"Now, Carrie, what are you going to be?" - -"I'll be an elephant." - -"And you, Reggie, what are you going to be?" - -"I'm going to be a lion." - -"And what are you going to be, Hilda?" - -"I'm going to be a tiger." - -Then, crossing to the other side of the room, the hostess, noticing a -youngster sitting all alone, asked: - -"And what are you going to be, Tommy?" - -"P-please," was the halting reply, "p-please--I'm going--to be sick." - - * * * * * - -A man who had been convicted of stealing was brought before a certain -"down East" judge, well known for his tender-heartedness, to be -sentenced. - -"Have you ever been sentenced to imprisonment?" asked the judge, not -unkindly. - -"Never!" exclaimed the prisoner, suddenly bursting into tears. - -"Well, well, don't cry, my man," said his honor consolingly; "you're -going to be now." - - * * * * * - -The inventor of a new feeding bottle for infants sent out the -following among his directions for using: - -"When the baby is done drinking it must be unscrewed and laid in a -cool place under the hydrant. If the baby does not thrive on fresh -milk, it should be boiled." - - * * * * * - -A well-known New York clergyman was telling his Bible class the story -of the Prodigal Son at a recent session, and wishing to emphasize the -disagreeable attitude of the elder brother on that occasion, he laid -especial stress on this phase of the parable. After describing the -rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, he -spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in -the jubilant spirit of the occasion. - -"Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?" - -A small boy, who had been listening sympathetically to the story, put -up his hand. - -"I know," he said, beamingly; "it was the fatted calf." - - * * * * * - -"I understand," said the old-time friend, "that you are gettin' right -exclusive." - -"Well," answered Mr. Cumrox, "that's what mother an' the girls call -it." - -"What do you call it?" - -"Plain 'lonesome'." - - * * * * * - -"Tommy," said the hostess, "you appear to be in deep thought." - -"Yes'm," replied Tommy; "ma told me somethin' to say if you should ask -me to have some cake or anything, an' I bin here so long now I forgit -what it was." - - * * * * * - -A Boston minister once noticed a crowd of urchins clustered around a -dog of doubtful pedigree. - -"What are you doing, my little men?" he asked with fatherly interest. - -"Swappin' lies," volunteered one of the boys. "The feller that tells -the biggest one gets the purp." - -"Shocking!" exclaimed the minister. "Why, when I was your age I never -even _thought_ of telling an untruth." - -"Youse win," chorused the urchins. "The dog's yours, mister." - - * * * * * - -A Brooklyn Sunday-school teacher once had occasion to catechise a new -pupil whose ignorance of his Testament would have been amusing had it -not been so appalling. One Sunday she asked the little fellow how many -commandments there were. - -To her surprise, the lad answered, glibly enough: "Ten, ma'am." - -"And now, Sammy," pleasantly asked the teacher, "what would the result -be if you should break one of them?" - -"Then there'd be nine!" triumphantly answered the youngster. - - * * * * * - -William J. Carr, of the State Department, had occasion to call at the -house of a neighbor late at night. He rang the door-bell. After a long -wait a head was poked out of a second-floor window. - -"Who's there?" asked a voice. - -"Mr. Carr," was the reply. - -"Well," said the voice as the window banged shut, "what do I care if -you missed a car? Why don't you walk, and not wake up people to tell -them about it?" - - * * * * * - -A clever veterinary has a system all his own. When he received an -overfed toy dog he would consign him to a disused brick oven, with a -crust of bread, an onion and an old boot. When the dog began to gnaw -the bread, the anxious mistress was informed that her darling was -"doing nicely." When it commenced operation on the onion, word was -sent that the pet was "decidedly better"; but when the animal tackled -the boot, my lady was gratified to hear that her precious pet was -"ready to be removed." - - * * * * * - -A lady while going downstairs to dinner had the misfortune to step -slightly on the dress of a lady in front of her. The man on whose arm -the former was leaning rudely said aloud so that the couple in front -might hear, "Always getting in the way like Balaam's ass!" Upon which -the lady whose gown had been trodden on, turning round, replied with a -sweet smile, "Pardon me, it was the angel who stood in the way and the -ass which spoke." - - * * * * * - -A number of years ago, when the former Second Assistant Secretary of -State, Alvey A. Adee, was Third Assistant, an employee of the State -Department was called to the 'phone. - -"Will you kindly give me the name of the Third Assistant Secretary of -State?" asked the voice at the other end of the wire. - -"Adee." - -"A. D. what?" - -"A. A. Adee." - -"Spell it, please." - -"A." - -"Yes." - -"A." - -"Yes." - -"A----" - -"You go to the d----!" and the receiver was indignantly hung up. - - * * * * * - -Smith and Jones, talking about the Kaiser: - -Jones--"They tell me that unfortunately he is very bellicose." - -Smith--"Dear me! You surprise me! I always understood he was rather -tall and slim." - - * * * * * - -"I will be your valentine," said the young man. - -A shadow passed across the fair face of the girl. "I was so in hopes -that I would not get any comics this year," she said. - - * * * * * - -One of the favorite stories of Mayor Collins of Boston was about a man -who, accompanied by his little boy, had occasion to cross a lot where -a good-sized goat was feeding. - -The father was a Christian Scientist and always carried a copy of Mrs. -Eddy's works in his pocket. As they approached the goat the boy showed -fear, whereat his father told him to think it not possible for the -animal to harm them, but the boy, remembering a previous encounter -with a goat, in which he came out second best, did not grow any -braver. - -"Papa, you're a Christian Scientist, all right," he said, "and so am -I; but the goat doesn't know it." - - * * * * * - -Horace T. Eastman, the inventor of the locomotive pilot, said the -other day: - -"This morning I was sitting in a drug store waiting to get a -prescription filled when a young Irishman entered. - -"The Irishman pointed to a stack of green Castile soap and said: - -"'Oi want a lump o' thot.' - -"'Very well, sir,' said the clerk. 'Will you have it scented or -unscented?' - -"'Oi'll take ut with me,' said the Irishman." - - * * * * * - -Robert Smith, brother of Sydney Smith, and an ex-Advocate-General, on -one occasion engaged in an argument with a physician over the relative -merits of their respective professions. - -"I don't say that all lawyers are crooks," said the doctor, "but -you'll have to admit that your profession doesn't make angels of men." - -"No," retorted Smith; "you doctors certainly have the best of us -there." - - * * * * * - -Small chap--"Say, papa, what is the race problem?" - -Papa--"Picking winners." - - * * * * * - -The temperance society was to meet that afternoon. Mrs. Philpots -dressed in a hurry and came panting downstairs. She was a short, plump -woman. - -"Addie, run up to my room and get my blue ribbon rosette, the -temperance badge," she directed her maid. "I have forgotten it. You -will know it, Addie--blue ribbon and gold lettering." - -"Yas'm, I knows it right well." Addie could not read, but she knew a -blue ribbon with gold lettering when she saw it, and therefore had no -trouble in finding it and fastening it properly on the dress of her -mistress. - -Mrs. Philpots was too busy greeting her friends or giving close -attention to the speakers at the meeting to note that they smiled when -they shook hands with her. - -When she reached home, supper was served, so she went directly to the -dining-room, where the other members of the family were seated. - -"Gracious me, mother!" exclaimed her son. "That blue ribbon--have you -been wearing that at the temperance meeting?" - -A loud laugh went up on all sides. - -"Why, what is it, Harry?" asked the good woman, clutching at the -ribbon in surprise. - -"Why, mother, dear, didn't you know that was the ribbon I wore at the -show?" - -The gold lettering on the ribbon read: - - Atlanta Poultry Show. - First Prize. Bantam. - - * * * * * - -At a dinner party recently given the subject of regular hours and -plain diet was discussed. Several had spoken when one of the guests -remarked, "You may not believe it, but for ten years I rose on the -stroke of six, half an hour later was at breakfast, at seven was at -work, dined at one, had supper at six, and was in bed at 9.30. In all -that time I ate the plainest food and did not have a day's sickness." -The silence that followed was awful, but finally another guest asked, -"Will you permit a question?" "Certainly," was the reply; "what do you -wish to know?" "Well, just out of curiosity," said the other, "I would -like to know what you were in prison for?" - - * * * * * - -Watch--"Eight bells, and all's well!" - -Mrs. Pohunk (feebly)--"I guess, Josiah, he hasn't looked on this side -of the boat lately or he'd know better." - - * * * * * - -When the minister, who was a bachelor, had been helped to Mrs. -Porter's biscuits for the third time, he looked across the table at -Rhoda, staring at him with round, wondering eyes. - -"I don't often have such a good supper as this, my dear," he said, in -his most propitiatory tone, and Rhoda's face dimpled. - -"We don't, always," she said, in her clear little voice. "I'm awful -glad you came." - - * * * * * - -The late Charles Matthews now and then failed, like some of the rest -of us, in meeting his bills as promptly as the tradespeople concerned -could desire. - -On one occasion a brisk young tailor, named Berry, lately succeeded to -his father's business, sent in his account somewhat ahead of time. - -Whereupon Matthews, with virtuous rage, seized his pen and wrote him -the following note: - -"You must be a goose--Berry, to send me your bill--Berry, before it is -due--Berry. - -"Your father, the elder--Berry, would have had more sense. - -"You may look very black--Berry, and feel very blue--Berry, but I -don't care a straw--Berry, for you and your bill--Berry." - - * * * * * - -A clergyman in a Lawrence church on a recent occasion discovered, -after beginning the service, that he had forgotten his notes. As it -was too late to send for them, he said to his audience, by way of -apology, that this morning he should have to depend upon the Lord for -what he might say, but in the afternoon he would come better prepared. - - * * * * * - -An American visiting London for the first time, goaded to desperation -by the incessant necessity for tips, finally entered the wash-room of -his hotel, only to be faced with a large sign which read: "Please tip -the basin after using." "I'm hanged if I will!" said the Yankee, -turning on his heel, "I'll go dirty first!" - - * * * * * - -Mother could not attend church one Sunday. "But what a shame that -little Mabel should have to lose the day's lesson, and she _such_ a -bright child," she sadly reflected. Accordingly, Mabel was sent alone. -When she returned, in reply to her mother's interrogation as to the -subject of the text, she replied, "Oh, yes, mother, I know; it was -_'Don't get scared: You'll get the quilt.'_" Questioning failed to -throw any light on the matter. Some days later the mother met the -pastor, who, in answer to her request for the subject of his last -sermon, replied, "It was, madam, 'Fear not: Ye shall have the -Comforter.'" - - * * * * * - -Mark Twain in his lecturing days, reached a small Eastern town one -afternoon and went before dinner to a barber's to be shaved. - -"You are a stranger in town, sir?" the barber asked. - -"Yes, I am a stranger here," was the reply. - -"We're having a good lecture here to-night, sir," said the barber, "a -'Mark Twain' lecture. Are you going to it?" - -"Yes, I think I will," said Mr. Clemens. - -"Have you got your ticket yet?" the barber asked. - -"No, not yet," said the other. - -"Then, sir, you'll have to stand." - -"Dear me!" Mr. Clemens exclaimed. "It seems as if I always do have to -stand when I hear that man Twain lecture." - - * * * * * - -During the visit of the Shah Nasr-ed-Din to England he dined one night -with the then Prince of Wales, now King Edward. Among the courses was -one of asparagus, a delicacy unknown to the Shah. He considered it for -a time, discovered that the head alone was nice to eat, ate it -accordingly and flung the rest of the stalk over his shoulder. The -other diners were somewhat flabbergasted, but the tactful Prince, not -wishing his Persian guest to feel that he had done anything -ridiculous, promptly followed his example, throwing his own stalks -over his shoulder. Naturally all the courtiers imitated him in turn, -and the amazement of the royal servants was extreme to see the air -suddenly full of flying asparagus stalks from one end of the lengthy -room to the other. - - * * * * * - -On one of his frequent trips to the other side, the weather being more -than ordinarily rough, and the passengers on deck but few, the late -Bishop Potter saw a lady reclining on one of the benches, and the -unearthly pallor on her face and the hapless languidity of her manner -indicated that she had reached that state of collapse which marks the -limit of sea-sickness. "Touched by this piteous spectacle and -approaching the poor creature, in my most compassionate tone I asked, -'Madam, can I be of any service to you?' - -"She did not open her eyes, but I heard her murmur faintly: 'Thank -you, sir, but there is nothing you can do--nothing at all.' 'At least, -madam,' said I tenderly, 'permit me to bring you a glass of water.' -She moved her head feebly and answered: 'No, I thank you--nothing at -all.' 'But your husband, madam,' said I, 'the gentleman lying there -with his head in your lap--shall I not bring something to revive him?' -The lady again moved her head feebly, and again she murmured faintly -between gasps: 'Thank you, sir, but--he--is--not--my--husband. -I--don't--know--who he is!'" - - * * * * * - -"Well, Bobby, how do you like church?" asked his father, as they -walked homeward from the sanctuary, to which Bobby had just paid his -first visit. - -"It's fine," ejaculated the young man. "How much did you get, father?" - -"How much did I get? Why, what do you mean? How much what?" asked the -parent, astonished at this evident irreverence. - -"Why, don't you remember when the funny old man passed the money -around? I only got ten cents." - - * * * * * - -One day a fussy fellow met Father Healy of Dublin by the seashore and -thus accosted him: "Father Healy, I am undergoing a cure, and I take a -tumbler of sea water three times a day. Now, I've had my full -allowance to-day, but do you think I might have one, just one, tumbler -more?" - -Father Healy put his head on one side and looked at the ocean, lost in -thought. "Well," he said, at last, with a gravely judicial air, "I -don't think it would be missed." - - * * * * * - -Wm. M. Evarts asked by a lady if he did not think that woman was the -best judge of woman, he replied: "Not only the best judge, madam, but -the best executioner." - - * * * * * - -De Wolf Hopper was calling down a speaking-tube to the janitor of his -apartment in New York. Mr. Hopper, unable to get the information he -desired, finally blurted out, "Say, is there a blithering idiot at -the end of this tube?" The reply came back with startling rapidity, -"Not at this end, sir." - - * * * * * - -Mrs. S.--"Surely, John, you haven't brought anyone home to dinner?" - -Mr. S.--"Sure I have. Haven't you got anything for them?" - -"Why no, you told me you'd bring home a couple of lobsters for -dinner." - -"So I have, they're in the parlor." - - * * * * * - -One of his grandma's maids of honor tells the following story of -Prince Eddie when he was a few years younger: - -Just after King Edward's coronation, when he underwent an operation -for appendicitis and was lying convalescent, he sent for his -grandchildren. - -The little ones trooped into the room, cautioned by their nurse that -they must keep very quiet, and stood about their grandfather's bed. He -talked with them for a few minutes and they replied in awed whispers. -Then when the nurse told them they must go, Prince Eddie said: - -"But, grandpa, can't we see the baby?" - - * * * * * - -Rossetti's fondness for humorous stories and his interest in a -particular soldier of fortune, or rather of misfortune, are shown in -Hall Caine's autobiography. Beginning life as the secretary of Ruskin, -the man ultimately lived on his cleverness and audacity and made -Rossetti in particular his conscious and delighted victim. Feeble as -Rossetti was, the visits of this man did him good, and he laughed all -the evening and told droll stories himself. One of the latter was of a -man near to death to whom the clergyman came and said: "Dear friend, -do you know who died to save you?" "Oh, meenister, meenister," said -the dying man, "is this a time for conundrums?" - - * * * * * - -It is interesting to recall, apropos of the recent Milton celebration, -an anecdote of Milton that was told in an old family letter written in -1762, recently quoted in the columns of the London "Spectator": - -"Possibly you may not have heard this anecdote concerning him. John -Vallack--who, I believe, died after you came to Tavistock--told me it, -and he lived in London in 1696. Milton, as you know, was blind. -Charles the Second had the curiosity to see him, and said: 'God hath -punished you for your malice, etc., to my father by taking away your -eyesight.' - -"'Aye,' says Milton, 'but before I lost my eyes he lost his head.'" - - * * * * * - -In writing a sketch of Washington a pupil ended her essay by saying: -"Washington married a famous belle, Martha Custis, and in due time -became the father of his country." - - * * * * * - -A certain regiment was on the march from Philadelphia to Gettysburg -and the companies were ordered to move with a few minutes' interval -between them and to keep each other in sight, the band and drums -leading. - -The band soon got a long way ahead, and on reaching a bend, halted for -a few minutes' rest. Presently up galloped a mounted officer in hot -haste and shouted for the band sergeant. - -"What do you mean," he said, "by getting out of sight of the leading -company?" - -"We were not out of sight, sir," answered the sergeant. - -"What do you mean by telling me that!" exclaimed the officer in a -rage. "You were out of sight, I saw you myself." - - * * * * * - -Several ladies sat after a card party at the University Club a few -mornings ago, discussing the virtues of their husbands. "Mr. -Bingleton," said one of them, referring to her life partner, "never -drinks and never swears--indeed, he has no bad habits." "Does he ever -smoke?" some one asked. "Yes; he likes a cigar just after he has eaten -a good meal. But, I suppose, on an average, he doesn't smoke more than -once a month." - - * * * * * - -Ian Maclaren was talking to a group of literary beginners in New York. -"Begin your stories well," he said emphatically. "There's nothing like -a good beginning. Indeed, it's half the battle." Then with a smile -this excellent beginner of stories added: "Always bear in mind the -case of the young man who, desiring to marry, secured a favorable -hearing from his sweetheart's irascible father by opening the -interview with the words: 'I know a way, sir, whereby you can save -money.'" - - * * * * * - -Benevolent gentleman--"My little boy, have you no better way to spend -this beautiful afternoon than by standing in front of the gate, idling -away your time?" - -Boy--"I ain't idling away my time. There's a chump inside with my -sister, who is paying me ten cents an hour to watch for pa." - - * * * * * - -That famous Scotch physician, Dr. George Fordyce, was unfortunately -somewhat given to drink, and though he never was known to be dead -drunk, yet he was often in a state which rendered him unfit for -professional duties. One night when he was in such a condition, he was -suddenly sent for to attend a lady of title who was very ill. He went, -sat down, listened to her story, and felt her pulse. He found he was -not up to his work. He lost his wits and in a moment of forgetfulness -exclaimed, "Drunk, by Jove!" Still he managed to write out a mild -prescription. Early next morning he received a message from the noble -patient to call on her at once. Dr. Fordyce felt very uncomfortable. -The lady evidently intended to upbraid him either for giving an -improper prescription or for his disgraceful condition, but to his -surprise and relief she thanked him for his prompt compliance with her -pressing summons, and then confessed that he had rightly diagnosed her -case. That unfortunately she occasionally indulged too freely in -drink, but that she hoped he would preserve inviolable secrecy as to -the condition in which he had found her. Fordyce listened to her as -grave as a judge, then said: - -"Madam, you may depend on me. I shall be as silent as the grave." - - * * * * * - -A friend of Dean Swift one day sent him a turbot as a present by a -servant lad who had frequently been on similar errands but had never -received anything from the dean for his trouble. Having gained -admission he opened the study door, and putting down the fish on the -floor cried out rudely, "Master has sent you a turbot." "Young man," -said the dean rising from the chair, "is that the way you deliver a -message? Let me teach you better manners. Sit down in my chair; we -will change places, and I will show you how to behave in future." The -boy sat down, and the dean going out came up to the door, and making a -low bow said, "Sir, master presents his kind compliments, hopes you -are well, and requests your acceptance of a small present." "Does he?" -replied the boy. "Return him my best thanks, and there's half-a-crown -for yourself." The dean thus caught in his own trap laughed heartily -and gave the boy a crown for his ready wit. - - * * * * * - -A spunky little mule was trying to throw his darky rider and in -kicking about caught his hoof in a stirrup, upon which the darky cried -out in frightened tones, "Say, if you'se gwine to git on, I'se gwine -to git off." - - * * * * * - -"I ought not to be surprised by anything at my time of life," said a -well-known minister, "but one of my flock did manage to take my breath -away. I was preaching about the Father's tender wisdom in caring for -us all," he said. "I illustrated by saying that the Father knows which -of us grows best in sunlight and which of us must have shade. 'You -know you plant roses in the sunshine,' I said, 'and heliotrope and -geraniums; but if you want your fuchsias to grow they must be kept in -a shady nook.' After the sermon, which I hoped would be a comforting -one, a woman came up to me, her face glowing with pleasure that was -evidently deep and true. 'O, Dr. ----, I am so grateful for that -sermon,' she said, clasping my hand and shaking it warmly. My heart -glowed for a moment, while I wondered what tender place in her heart -and life I had touched. Only for a moment, though. 'Yes,' she went on, -fervently, 'I never knew before what was the matter with my -fuchsias.'" - - * * * * * - -There are some singular discounts allowed in the book trade. They were -happily illustrated on one occasion by Mark Twain. One day while the -humorist was connected with a publishing house he went into a book -store and picking up a volume asked the price. He then suggested that -as a publisher he was entitled to 50 per cent discount. To this the -clerk assented. - -"As I am also an author," said Mark, "it would appear that I am again -entitled to 50 per cent discount." - -Again the clerk bowed. - -"And as a personal friend of the proprietor," he modestly continued, -"I presume that you will allow me the usual 25 per cent. discount." - -Another bow from the salesman. - -"Well," drawled the unblushing humorist, "under these conditions I -think I may as well take the book. What's the tax?" - -The clerk took out his pencil and figured industriously. Then he said -with the greatest obsequiousness: - -"As near as I can calculate we owe you the book and about 37-1/2 -cents." - - * * * * * - -Clyde Fitch tells a new story of Whistler. The artist was in Paris at -the time of the coronation of King Edward, and at a reception one -evening a duchess said to him: "I believe you know King Edward, Mr. -Whistler." - -"No, madame," replied Whistler. - -"Why, that's odd," she murmured; "I met the King at a dinner-party -last year, and he said that he knew you." - -"Oh," said the painter, "that was just his brag." - - * * * * * - -A London friend who was a member of the same club as Mr. Whistler -writes me this, which I have not seen before in print. It seems that -the gentle artist in making enemies had not paid his dues and was -dunned for them in vain. He either took no notice of requests for a -settlement, or replied to them with his usual airy mockery. Finally -the secretary wrote to him: - -_"Dear Mr. Whistler_--It is not a Nocturne in Purple, or a Symphony in -Blue and Gray, that we are after, but An Arrangement in Gold and -Silver." - -This drew forth the required pounds and shillings. - - * * * * * - -Here is another story typical of the great maker of enemies: - -Whistler had a French poodle of which he was extravagantly fond. The -poodle was seized with an affection of the throat, and Whistler had -the audacity to send for the great throat specialist Mackenzie. - -Sir Morell, when he saw that he had been called in to treat a dog, -didn't like it much, it was plain. But he said nothing. He prescribed, -pocketed a big fee, and drove away. - -The next day he sent post-haste for Whistler; and Whistler, thinking -he was summoned on some matter connected with his beloved dog, dropped -his work and rushed like the wind to Mackenzie's. - -On his arrival Sir Morell said gravely: - -"How do you do, Mr. Whistler? I wanted to see you about having my -front door painted." - - * * * * * - -A story is told of a very popular cavalry officer. He was being tried -for drunkenness, and among other witnesses was his Irish orderly. The -court, anxious to give the officer every chance, put several questions -to this witness with a view of eliciting any facts that might be in -his master's favor. When the orderly said that his master, on going to -bed, had expressed a wish to be called early, the members of the -court-martial were distinctly pleased. - -A man who gave special instructions to be called early could not, -surely--they argued to themselves--have been drunk. Hoping to get -favorable particulars, the judge advocate put a further question. - -"And why did the major wish to be called early?" he asked. - -"Faith, an' he tould me it was because he was to be Queen of the May," -came the answer. - -That settled it. - - * * * * * - -A college professor, noted for his concentration of thought, returned -home from a scientific meeting one night, still pondering deeply upon -the subject that had been discussed. As he entered his room he heard a -noise that seemed to come from under the bed. - -"Is there some one there?" he asked absently. - -"No, professor," answered the intruder, who knew of his peculiarities. - -"That's strange," muttered the professor. "I was almost sure I heard -some one under the bed." - - * * * * * - -Fond Mother--"Jane, has Johnny come home from school yet?" - -Jane--"I think so. I haven't seen him, but the cat is hiding under the -stove." - - * * * * * - -Somebody told Mr. Jenks that red flannel worn next to the skin would -cure the rheumatism from which he suffered. So he purchased several -sets of red flannel undergarments. The clerk assured him that the firm -guaranteed the goods in every particular. About two months later, says -the New York "Times," Mr. Jenks revisited the shop, sought out the -proprietor and told his woful story. - -"The goods are the best in the house," declared the proprietor. "Of -course," he said, in a reasonable tone used on unreasonable persons, -"of course the shirts may have shrunk or faded a little--" - -"Shrunk! Faded!" bellowed Mr. Jenks. "What do you think my wife said -to me, when I came down to breakfast yesterday with one of them on?" - -The proprietor looked bored. - -"Well, sir," said the aggrieved Jenks, "she looked at me a minute, and -then said, 'What is that little red line round your neck John? It -isn't the baby's string of coral beads, is it?'" - - * * * * * - -"Now, Tommy," said Mrs. Bull, "I want you to be good while I'm out." - -"I'll be good for a nickel," replied Tommy. - -"Tommy," she said, "I want you to remember that you can not be a son -of mine unless you are good for nothing." - - * * * * * - -Bill Jones is a country storekeeper down in Louisiana, and last spring -he went to New Orleans to purchase a stock of goods. The goods were -shipped immediately and reached home before he did. When the boxes of -goods were delivered at his store by the drayman his wife happened to -look at the largest; she uttered a loud cry and called for a hammer. -A neighbor, hearing the screams, rushed to her assistance and asked -what was the matter. The wife, pale and faint, pointed to an -inscription on the box which read as follows: - -"Bill inside." - - * * * * * - -Customer--"Are these five or six wedding rings all you have in stock? -Why, you've got a whole trayful of engagement rings." - -Jeweler--"Yes, sir, and it will take that whole trayful of engagement -rings to work off those five or six wedding rings." - - * * * * * - -They were newly married and on a honeymoon trip. They put up at a -skyscraper hotel. The bridegroom felt indisposed, and the bride said -she would slip out and do a little shopping. - -In due time she returned and tripped blithely up to her room, a little -awed by the number of doors that looked all alike. But she was sure of -her own and tapped gently on the panel. - -"I'm back, honey; let me in," she whispered. - -No answer. - -"Honey, honey, let me in!" she called again, rapping louder. Still no -answer. - -"Honey, honey, it's Mabel. Let me in." - -There was silence for several seconds; then a man's voice, cold and -full of dignity, came from the other side of the door: - -"Madame, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom." - - * * * * * - -Leigh Hunt was asked by a lady at dessert if he would not venture on -an orange. "Madam," he replied, "I should be happy to do so, but I am -afraid I should tumble off." - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Prattle looked at her visitor with reproach in her wide blue -eyes. "Talk," she said eagerly, "our baby talk? Well, I guess he can. -He's three months younger than my cousin's boy and he's a year ahead -of him in language. You know often people tell you their children can -say things, and when you hear them you have to work hard with your -imagination to tell what they're saying. - -"Now, there's my cousin's baby--the one I spoke of. They declare that -child has a vocabulary of fifteen words, but, my dear, if you could -hear him. He says 'bay' for bread, and 'flis' for fish, and 'cang' for -candle, and 'hort' for horse, and 'apa' for father. Now I'll try -Harold with those very words, and you'll see the difference. - -"Say bread, Harold--bread--bre-e-ad." - -"Wed," said the baby. - -"Now say fish, fi-sh." - -"Whish," said the baby. - -"And now horse," said Harold's mother. "Horse--ho-orse, ho-r-se." - -"Woss," said the baby. - -"And now will precious say father, fa-ather, fa-a-ar-ther?" - -"Wahwah," said the baby. - -"There, you see!" cried Mrs. Prattle in triumph. "He seems to catch -the sound of every word. Now say good-by, darling, and then nurse -will take you upstairs. Good-by--goo-ood-by-y-y." - -"Wy wy," said the baby. - - * * * * * - -The superintendent of a Sunday-school class in Philadelphia recently -called upon a visitor to "say a few words" to the class, the members -of which are mostly children of tender age. - -The visitor, a speaker well known for his verbose and circumlocutory -mode of speech, began his address as follows: - -"This morning, children, I purpose to offer you an epitome of the life -of St. Paul. It may be perhaps that there are among you some too young -to grasp the meaning of the word 'epitome.' - -"'Epitome,' children, is in its signification synonymous with -synopsis." - - * * * * * - -A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last -season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white -picture-hat. - -"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd -look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk." - - * * * * * - -A few years ago the celebrated Potter family, of which Bishop Potter -was a member, held a reunion the chief feature of which was a banquet. -During the banquet the various heads of the different families of -Potters arose and gave a short account of the pedigrees and deeds of -their ancestors and each head seemed to be able to demonstrate that -their branch was the oldest and most renowned. After all the speakers -had finished, Honorable William M. Evarts, who was present as the -legal adviser of the New York branch, was called upon for a speech and -responded by saying that he felt there was little left for him to say, -but after listening to the ancestry and history of the family he felt -he could cast his eyes toward heaven and say, "Oh, Lord! thou art the -clay and we are the Potters." - - * * * * * - -A Massachusetts minister was making his first visit to Kentucky -several years ago. He had to spend the night in a small mountain town -where feuds and moonshine still abounded. Engaging in conversation -with one of the natives, he said: - -"My friend, this is a very bibulous State, I hear." - -"Lord!" replied the man, "there hain't twenty-five Bibles in all -Kentucky." - - * * * * * - -An elderly gentleman opposed to the use of tobacco approached a young -man who stood on a street corner smoking a cigar, and asked him -severely, "How many cigars a day do you smoke?" "Three," was the -reply. "How much do you pay for them?" he went on. "Fifteen cents -each," replied the young man patiently. "Do you realize," went on his -inquisitor, "that if you would save that money, by the time you are as -old as I am you would own that big building on the corner?" "Do _you_ -own it?" inquired the smoker. "No," was the response. "Well, I do," -said the young man. - - * * * * * - - EVERYBODY'S FRIEND IN NOVA SCOTIA - - J. R. FULLER, - - Dealer in - Soft and Hard Coal, Ice Cream, - Wood, Lime, Cement, Perfumery, Nails, - Putty, Spectacles, and Horse Radish. - Chocolate Caramels and Tar Roofing, - Gas-Fitting and Undertaking in all - its Branches. - - Hides, Tallow, and Maple Sirup, Fine Gold - Jewelry, Silverware, and Salt, Glue, - Codfish, and Gents' Neckwear. - Undertaker and Confectioner. - Diseases of Horses and Children a - Specialty. - Five Islands, N. S. - - * * * * * - -A Lady going out for the day locked everything up carefully, and for -the grocer's benefit left a card on the back door. - -"All out. Don't leave anything," it read. - -On her return she found her house ransacked and all her choicest -possessions gone. To the card on the door was added, "Thanks. We -haven't left much." - - * * * * * - -"Edward Everett Hale," said a lawyer, "was one of the guests at a -millionaire's dinner. - -"The millionaire was a free spender, but he wanted full credit for -every dollar put out. - -"And as the dinner progressed, he told his guests what the more -expensive dishes had cost. - -"'This terrapin,' he would say, 'was shipped direct from Baltimore. A -Baltimore cook came on to prepare it. The dish actually cost one -dollar a teaspoonful.' - -"So he talked of the fresh peas, the hot-house asparagus, the Covent -Garden peaches, and the other courses. He dwelt especially on the -expense of the large and beautiful grapes, each bunch a foot long, -each grape bigger than a plum. He told down to a penny what he had -figured it out that the grapes had cost him apiece. - -"The guests looked annoyed. They ate the expensive grapes charily. But -Dr. Hale, smiling, extended his plate and said: - -"'Would you mind cutting me off about $1.87 worth more, please?'" - - * * * * * - -Joe Jefferson had but one person with him who did not reverence the -man and the name. - -This individual, one Bagley by name, was the property man and annoyed -the great comedian with undue familiarity. He had called Mr. Jefferson -"Joey" during his entire thirty years' service. - -Just previous to an auspicious opening in one of the big cities, Mr. -Jefferson discharged Bagley for humiliating him before a number of -friends. Bagley got drunk right away, and that night paid his way to -the gallery to see Mr. Jefferson present "Rip Van Winkle." The angry -Frau has just driven poor, destitute Rip from the cottage when Rip -turns and, with a world of pathos, asks: "Den haf I no interest in -dis house?" The house is deathly still, the audience half in tears, -when Bagley's cracked voice responds: "Only eighty per cent, -Joey--only eighty per cent." - - * * * * * - -Dean Hole, the noted English clergyman who died recently, was the -leading figure in many humorous stories. On one occasion he was -crossing the Channel after a visit to the Continent, the voyage being -very stormy. - -The Dean was a bad sailor and had suffered a great deal on the trip. -At Dover he was looking over the railway company's rules on the -station wall as a passenger came up. Said the Dean: "After that stormy -voyage we have at least one advantage in making the subsequent trip to -London. I see the company carries returning empties at reduced rates." - - * * * * * - -Gilbert Stuart, though a celebrated artist, was likewise a great -braggart. On one occasion a great public dinner was given to Isaac -Hull by the town of Boston, and he was asked to sit for his picture to -the artist. - -When Hull visited the studio Stuart took great delight in entertaining -him with anecdotes of his English success, stories of the marquis of -this and the baroness of that, which showed how elegant was the -society to which he had been accustomed. - -Unfortunately, in the midst of this grandeur, Mrs. Stuart, who did not -know that there was a sitter, came in with apron on and her head tied -up with some handkerchiefs, from the kitchen, and cried out: "Do you -mean to have that leg of mutton boiled or roasted?" to which Stuart -replied, with great presence of mind, "Ask your mistress." - - * * * * * - -This story is related of an old-time Judge in Sullivan County, N. Y.: - -During a session of court there was so much talking and laughter going -on that the Judge, becoming angry and confused, shouted in great -wrath: - -"Silence, here! We have decided half a dozen cases this morning, and I -have not heard a word of one of them." - - * * * * * - -Irving Bacheller, the author of "Eben Holden," went a little farther -north than usual one summer while on his vacation, and penetrated -Newfoundland. He caught a good many fish, but this did not prevent his -keeping an eye on the natives. He was particularly impressed by the -men who spent the day lounging about the village stores. - -"What do you fellows do when you sit around the store like this?" he -asked of the crowd arranged in a circle of tilted chairs and empty -boxes and maintaining a profound silence. - -"Well," drawled one of the oldest, "sometimes we set and think, and -then again other times we jest set." - - * * * * * - -Not long before his death Thomas B. Reed visited some friends at their -summer residence at Watch Hill, R. I. Late in the afternoon he was -driven up to Westerly to take the 7 o'clock train for Boston. It was -a warm evening, the horses lagged and he missed the train, the last -Boston-bound train stopping at Westerly that night. - -As Mr. Reed had an important engagement in Boston early the next day, -he seemed worried until he learned that there was a Boston express -which passed Westerly at 9 o'clock. Then he smiled. - -Going to the telegraph office, he directed a telegram to the -superintendent of the road in Boston, and sent the following message: - -"Will you stop the 9 o'clock express at Westerly to-night for a large -party for Boston." - -The answer came: "Yes. Will stop train." - -Mr. Reed read the message, and smiled. When the train pulled in Mr. -Reed quietly started to board it, when the conductor said: "Where is -that large party we were to stop for?" - -"I am the large party," replied Mr. Reed, and he boarded the train. - - * * * * * - -Wilfred was sitting upon his father's knee watching his mother -arranging her hair. - -"Papa hasn't any Marcel waves like that," said the father, laughingly. - -Wilfred, looking up at his father's bald pate, replied, "Nope; no -waves; it's all beach." - - * * * * * - -The Prince of Wales is fond of telling a good story to his friends in -connection with his visit to Ottawa some few years ago. The -Prince--then Duke of York--stole away for a quiet bicycle spin early -one morning, and in his ramblings met a farmer, heading marketward, -his wagon temporarily stalled by the loss of a nut belonging to the -whiffletree bolt. His Royal Highness, with his usual democratic -kindness, assisted him in putting things right. On parting, the farmer -expressed his rough thanks and asked if he might know the name of the -person to whom he was indebted. The royal cyclist replied modestly: "I -am the Duke of York. And may I ask whom I have the pleasure of -addressing?" A broad, amused smile beamed from the farmer's face as he -said: "Me! Me! Why, I'm your uncle, the Czar of Russia!" - - * * * * * - -"All right on behind there?" called the conductor from the front of -the car. - -"Hold on," cried a shrill voice. "Wait till I get my clothes on!" - -The passengers craned their necks expectantly. A small boy was -struggling to get a basket of laundry aboard. - - * * * * * - -One of the jokes of which Kentuckians never grow weary concerns -Senator Blackburn and his loyal appreciation of the liquid products of -his native State. The Senator had gone to pay a visit to a friend of -his who lived many miles distant. His friend met the Senator as he -alighted at the station. - -"How are you Joe?" his friend asked. - -"I'm up against it," was the reply. "I lost the best part of my -baggage en route." - -"Did you misplace it, or was it stolen?" his friend inquired -solicitously. - -"Neither," said the Senator. "The cork came out." - - * * * * * - -Kentucky Tailor--"What size shall I make your hip pockets, Colonel, -pint or quart?" - - * * * * * - -Once, during his second term, Grover Cleveland was asked to speak at a -function in a certain town, and when he arrived at the depot the wind -was blowing a gale, sleet was driving, and hailstones nearly as large -as marbles were fiercely falling. Of course, the inevitable brass band -was there, and at the sight of the President the performers struck up -with all the strenuosity at their command. - -"That is the most realistic music I ever heard," remarked Cleveland. - -"What are they trying to play?" asked Secretary Olney, who accompanied -him. - -"'Hail to the Chief'!" replied the President, with a cheerful smile. - - * * * * * - -The chaplain of one of his Majesty's ships was giving a magic-lantern -lecture, the subject of which was "Scenes from the Bible." He arranged -with a sailor who possessed a gramophone to discourse appropriate -music between the slides. The first picture shown was Adam and Eve in -the Garden of Eden. The sailor cudgeled his brain but could think of -nothing suitable. "Play up," whispered the chaplain. Suddenly a large -idea struck the jolly tar and to the great consternation of the -chaplain and the delight of the audience the gramophone burst forth -with the strains of "There's only one girl in the world for me." - - * * * * * - -The craze for giving and accepting coupons for purchases of -merchandise, to be redeemed by prizes, was given a more or less -merited rebuke by Nat C. Goodwin. He bought a bill of goods, and the -salesman offered him the coupons that the amount of the purchase -called for. Mr. Goodwin shook his head. "I don't want 'em," he said. - -"You had better take them, sir," persisted the clerk; "we redeem them -with very handsome prizes. If you can save up a thousand coupons we -give a grand piano." - -"Say, look here," replied Mr. Goodwin, "if I ever drank enough of your -whisky or smoked enough of your cigars to get a thousand of those -coupons I wouldn't want a piano. I'd want a harp." - - * * * * * - -He--"You've got to have a pull to get ahead." - -She--"Yes, and you've got to have a head to get a pull." - - * * * * * - -A Southern lawyer tells of a case that came to him at the outset of -his career, wherein his principal witness was a darky named Jackson, -supposed to have knowledge of certain transactions not at all to the -credit of his employer, the defendant. - -"Now, Jackson," said the lawyer, "I want you to understand the -importance of telling the truth when you are put on the stand. You -know what will happen, don't you, if you don't tell the truth?" - -"Yassir," was Jackson's reply; "in dat case I expects our side will -win de case." - - * * * * * - -The Suitor--"They say that Love is blind." - -The Heiress--"But nowadays he has a marvelous sense of touch." - - * * * * * - -A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in a -suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary -question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, -which did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the next -person. - -The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then, -concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to -the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother's -thirty-one!" - - * * * * * - -One of the uptown banks, on a conspicuous corner, gained a bad name -with the daily crowd of New York pedestrians. Its financial standing -was of course beyond question, but its clock ran on a very eccentric -and confusing system. The timepiece stood in a spot easily observable -and was consulted for years in spite of its tendency to wander from -strict accuracy. A woman excusing her lateness for luncheon said she -thought she was on time by the clock in the bank. - -"Oh, nobody can go by that," said her companion contemptuously. "We -call that the bank where the wild time grows." - - * * * * * - -In a certain home where the stork recently visited there is a -six-year-old son of inquiring mind. When he was first taken in to see -the new arrival he exclaimed: "Oh, mamma, it hasn't any teeth! And no -hair!" Then, clasping his hands in despair, he cried: "Somebody has -done us! It's an old baby." - - * * * * * - -A prominent railroad man hurried down the lobby of a Binghamton hotel -and up to the desk. He had just ten minutes in which to pay his bill -and reach the station. Suddenly it occurred to him that he had -forgotten something. - -"Here, boy," he called to a negro bellboy, "run up to 48 and see if I -left a box on the bureau. And be quick about it, will you?" - -The boy rushed up the stairs. The ten minutes dwindled to seven and -the railroad man paced the office. At length the boy appeared. - -"Yas, suh," he panted breathlessly. "Yas, suh, yo' left it, suh!" - - * * * * * - -A Boston minister tells of a little girl friend of his who, one day, -proudly displayed for his admiration a candy cat. - -"Are you going to eat it?" the minister asked. - -"No, sir; it's too pretty to eat. I'm going to keep it," the little -girl replied, as she stroked it with a moist little hand. - -Several days later the minister saw her again, and inquired about the -cat. - -A regretful look came into her eyes. - -"It's gone," she sighed. "You see, I saved it and saved it, till it -got so dirty that I just _had_ to eat it." - - * * * * * - -"Only fools are certain, Tommy; wise men hesitate." - -"Are you sure, uncle?" - -"Yes, my boy; certain of it." - - * * * * * - -"My rubber," said Nat Goodwin, describing a Turkish bath that he once -had in Mexico, "was a very strong man. He laid me on a slab and -kneaded me and punched me and banged me in a most emphatic way. When -it was over and I had gotten up, he came up behind me before my sheet -was adjusted, and gave me three resounding slaps on the bare back with -the palm of his enormous hand. - -"'What in blazes are you doing?' I gasped, staggering. - -"'No offense, sir,' said the man. 'It was only to let the office know -that I was ready for the next bather. You see, sir, the bell's out of -order in this room.'" - - * * * * * - -"I want to know," said the irate matron, "how much money my husband -drew out of this bank last week." "I can't give you that information, -ma'am," answered the man in the cage. "You're the paying teller, -aren't you?" "Yes, but I'm not the telling payer." - - * * * * * - -A lady once showed her little girl a beautiful new silk dress which -had just arrived from the dressmaker, and by way of improving the -occasion she said: "You know, dear, all this was given us by a poor -worm." The little girl looked puzzled for a minute or two and then -said: "Do you mean dad, mama?" - - * * * * * - -When Blaine was a young lawyer, and cases were few, he was asked to -defend a poverty-stricken tramp accused of stealing a watch. He -pleaded with all the ardor at his command, drawing so pathetic a -picture with such convincing energy that at the close of his argument -the court was in tears and even the tramp wept. The jury deliberated -but a few minutes and returned the verdict "not guilty." Then the -tramp drew himself up, tears streaming down his face as he looked at -the future "Plumed Knight," and said: "Sir, I have never heard so -grand a plea, I have not cried before since I was a child. I have no -money with which to reward you, but (drawing a package from the depths -of his ragged clothes), here's that watch; take it and welcome." - - * * * * * - -The other day an ingenious-looking person called with the message to -the housewife that her husband had sent him for his dress suit, which -was to be pressed and redone by the tailor. - -"Dear me," said the housewife, "he said nothing to me about it. Did he -look quite well?" - -"Yes, mum; he wuz in good health and spirits." - -"And he seemed quite as if he knew what he was about?" - -"He did that, mum." - -"And did he look as if he were quite content with things about him?" - -"He was all that, mum." - -"Well," said the lady, "it seems strange that he should only think of -that dress suit now, because it's ten years since he's dead and -buried, and I've often wondered how he's been getting on." - - * * * * * - -Two friends were walking down Bond Street, London. A man came up and -saluted the elder: "How do you do, Lord ----?" - -"Ah! how-do? Glad to see you. How's the old complaint?" - -The stranger's face clouded over and he shook his head. "No better." - -"Dear me; so sorry. Glad to have met you. Good-by." - -"Who's your friend?" asked the other, when the stranger was gone. - -"No idea." - -"Why, you asked him about his old complaint!" - -"Pooh, pooh!" replied the nobleman, unconcernedly. "The old fellow's -well over sixty; bound to have something the matter with him." - - * * * * * - -"Did you tip the waiter?" - -"Yes, so to speak. I turned him down." - - * * * * * - -Dr. Jowett of Oxford was a formidable wit. At a gathering at which he -was present the talk ran upon the comparative gifts of two Balliol men -who had been made respectively a judge and a bishop. Prof. Henry -Smith, famous in his day for his brilliancy, pronounced the bishop to -be the greater man of the two for this reason: "A judge, at the most, -can only say, 'You be hanged,' whereas a bishop can say, 'You be -damned!'" - -"Yes," said Dr. Jowett, but if the judge says, "'You be hanged,' you -_are_ hanged." - - * * * * * - -"I'm so glad you've come. We're going to have a young married couple -for dinner." - -"I'm glad too. They ought to be tender." - - * * * * * - -"I pay as I go," declared the pompous citizen. - -"Not while I'm running these apartments," declared the janitor. -"You'll pay as you move in." - - * * * * * - -Among seven distinguished men who were to speak at the opening -exercises of a new school was a professor well known for his lapses of -memory. But his speech was clear that night, and as he seated himself -his loving wife felt that he had fully earned the burst of applause -that followed, and she clapped her little hands enthusiastically. -Then her cheeks crimsoned. - -"Did you see anything amusing about the close of my address, my dear?" -asked the Professor as they started for home. "It seemed as if I heard -sounds suggestive of merriment about me." - -"Well, dear," said she, "of all the people who applauded your address, -you clapped the loudest and longest." - - * * * * * - -Teacher--"What is the Hague tribunal?" - -Willie--"The Hague tribunal ar--" - -Teacher--"Don't say 'The Hague tribunal are,' Willie; use is." - -Willie--"The Hague tribunal isbitrates national controversies." - - * * * * * - -Sir Wilfrid Laurier was once on an electioneering tour in Ontario and, -as the elections were bitterly contested, every effort was made to -stir up race and religious prejudice. One day a Quebec Liberal sent -this telegram to Sir Wilfrid: "Report in circulation in this country -that your children have not been baptized. Telegraph denial." To this -the Premier replied: "Sorry to say report is correct. I have no -children." - - * * * * * - -The teacher of one of the rooms in a school in the suburbs of -Cleveland had been training her pupils in anticipation of a visit from -the school commissioner. At last he came, and the classes were called -out to show their attainments. - -The arithmetic class was the first called, and in order to make a good -impression the teacher put the first question to Johnny Smith, the -star pupil. - -"Johnny, if coal is selling at $6 per ton, and you pay the coal dealer -$24, how many tons of coal will he bring you?" - -"Three," was the prompt reply from Johnny. - -The teacher, much embarrassed, said, "Why, Johnny, that isn't right." - -"Oh, I know it ain't, but they do it anyhow." - - * * * * * - -A publisher who occupied a loft in New York directed one of his clerks -to hang out a "Boy wanted" sign at the entrance. The card had been -swaying in the breeze only a few minutes when a red-headed little tad -climbed to the publisher's office with the sign under his arm. - -"Say, mister," he demanded of the publisher, "did youse hang out this -here 'Boy Wanted' sign?" - -"I did," replied the publisher sternly. "Why did you tear it down?" - -"Hully gee!" he blurted. "Why, I'm the boy!" And he was. - - * * * * * - -A distinguished surgeon, Dr. Abernethy by name, famed for his laconic -speech as well as for his professional skill, met one day his equal in -a woman of few words, who came to him with a hand badly swollen and -inflamed. - -"Burn?" asked the doctor. - -"Bruise." - -"Poultice." - -The next day the patient returned and the dialogue was resumed. - -"Better?" - -"Worse." - -"More poultice." - -Two days later the woman called again, and this was the conversation: - -"Better?" - -"Well. Fee?" - -"Nothing!" exclaimed the doctor. "Most sensible woman I ever met!" - - * * * * * - -Visitor--"Well, Harold, what are you going to be when you grow up?" - -Harold--"Oh, I'm going to be a sailor; but baby's only going to be -just an ordinary father." - - * * * * * - -No amount of persuasion or punishment could keep Johnnie from running -away. The excitement of being pursued and of being brought back to a -tearful family appealed to his sense of the dramatic and offset the -slight discomfort that sometimes followed. - -Finally his mother determined upon a new method. She decided, after -many misgivings, that the next time Johnnie ran away no notice -whatever should be taken of it. He should stay away as long as he -pleased and return when he saw fit. - -In a few days the youngster again disappeared. His mother was firm in -her resolve and no search was made. Great was poor Johnnie's -disappointment. He managed to stay away all day, but when it began to -grow dark his courage failed and he started for home. He sneaked -ignominiously into the kitchen. Nobody spoke to him. Apparently his -absence had not been noticed. This was too much. As soon as -opportunity offered he remarked casually, "Well, I see you've got the -same old cat." - - * * * * * - -A gentleman who happened to come in rather late at a dinner found that -the guests had finished soup and were on with the next course. When he -had sat down a waiter came up and said, "Soup, sir?" "No, thanks," he -replied, whereupon the waiter went away. Another waiter, seeing he had -nothing, said to him, "Soup, sir?" He replied rather testily, "No, -thank you." A third waiter, who saw him come in and took compassion on -him, placed the soup in front of him. "Look here, my man, is this -compulsory?" "No, sir; it's mulligatawny," replied the waiter. - - * * * * * - -A big, burly, fierce-looking man and a meek, inoffensive-looking -little chap were sawing timber with a cross-cut saw. A strapping -Irishman, passing that way, stopped to watch them. Back and forth, -back and forth, they pulled at the saw. Finally the Irishman could -stand it no longer. With a whoop and a yell he rushed at the big man -and brought him to the ground, burying his knees deep into the -sawyer's chest. - -Biff! Bang! Thump! Biff! - -"There," he said, letting him have one parting blow square on the -nose, "now m'bbe ye'll let the little felly hev it!" - - * * * * * - -Oliver Herford once entered a doubtful-looking restaurant in a small -New York town and ordered a lamb-chop. After a long delay the waiter -returned, bearing a plate on which reposed a dab of mashed potatoes -and a much overdone chop of microscopical proportions with a -remarkably long and slender rib attached. This the waiter set down -before him and then hurried away. - -"See here," called Herford, "I ordered a chop." - -"Yessir," replied the man, "there it is." - -"Ah, so it is," replied Herford, peering at it closely. "I thought it -was a crack in the plate." - - * * * * * - -In one of the elevators of a city skyscraper, as the elevator shot -toward the zenith, a stout man began to sputter. "Bub-but, -rt-st-st-b'r'r'r," he said, as the veins stood out upon his neck. At -the twenty-third story the stout man's eyes were nearly starting from -his head, and as he grasped the arm of the elevator man the latter -nervously pulled the lever, and the lift started for the bottom at a -terrific rate. The solitary passenger danced about, gurgling -spasmodically. As the car struck bottom, however, he rushed through -the door and up to an important individual, whose cap bore the screed -"Starter." "S-s-s-say," he sputtered, "t-t-this is the th-th-third -trip I-I-I've t-t-taken in the elevator, 'n' I-I-I-I w-w-wanter -g-g-g-get off at the sev-sev-seventh fl-fl-fl-floor. Before I-I-I -c-c-c-can say sev-sev-seven I-I-I-I'm up to the t-t-top, 'n' -be-be-before I-I-I can cat-cat-catch my br-br-breath I-I-I'm down -h-h-here again, 'n' I-I-I-I'm in a de-de-vil of a hurry." - - * * * * * - -Nervous player (deprecatingly playing card)--"I really don't know what -to play. I'm afraid I've made a fool of myself." - -Partner (reassuringly)--"That all right. I don't see what else you -could have done!" - - * * * * * - -Some of Darwin's boy friends once plotted a surprise for the -naturalist. They slew a centipede, glued on it a beetle's head, and -also added to its body the wings of a butterfly and the long legs of a -grasshopper. Then they put the new insect in a box and knocked at the -great man's door. "We found this in the fields," they cried with eager -voices. "Do tell us what it can be." Darwin looked at the strange -compound and then at the boys' innocent faces. "Did it hum when you -caught it?" he asked. "Oh yes, sir," they answered quickly, nudging -one another, "it hummed like anything." "Then," said the philosopher, -"it is a humbug." - - * * * * * - -A man had been sent by the house-agents to take an inventory of the -drawing-room furniture. He was so long about his task that at last the -mistress of the house went to see what was taking place. She found the -man slumbering sweetly on the sofa with an empty bottle beside him; -it was evident, however, that he had made a pathetic though solitary -attempt to do his work, for in the inventory book was written, "One -revolving carpet." - - * * * * * - -The customs of military service require officers to visit the kitchens -during cooking hours to see that the soldiers' food is properly -prepared. One old colonel, who let it be pretty generally known that -his orders must be obeyed without question or explanation, once -stopped two soldiers who were carrying a soup-kettle out of a kitchen. - -"Here, you," he growled, "give me a taste of that." - -One of the soldiers ran and fetched a ladle and gave the colonel the -desired taste. The colonel spat and spluttered. - -"Good heavens, man! You don't call that stuff soup, do you?" - -"No, sir," replied the soldier meekly, "it's dishwater we was -emptyin', sir." - - * * * * * - -The ship upon clearing the harbor ran into a half-pitching, -half-rolling sea, that became particularly noticeable about the time -the twenty-five passengers at the captain's table sat down to dinner. - -"I hope that all twenty-five of you will have a pleasant trip," the -captain told them as the soup appeared, "and that this little -assemblage of twenty-four will reach port much benefited by the -voyage. I look upon these twenty-two smiling faces much as a father -does upon his family, for I am responsible for the safety of this -group of seventeen. I hope that all thirteen of you will join me later -in drinking to a merry trip. I believe that we seven fellow passengers -are most congenial and I applaud the judgment which chose from the -passenger list these three persons for my table. You and I, my dear, -sir, are--Here, steward! Bring on the fish and clear away these -dishes." - - * * * * * - -"Extra Billy" Smith, the Confederate General, was one of the most -irascible as well as one of the most patriotic of men. Upon one -occasion he was leading a regiment on a long and difficult march. -Weary and exhausted they halted for a rest by the wayside. When it -became necessary to move on, the General gave the order, but the tired -men remained stretched upon the ground. The order was repeated -peremptorily. Still no motion. By this time the temper of the General -was at white heat. He thundered out: - -"If you don't get up and start at once I'll march the regiment off and -leave every d----d one of you behind." - -They started. - - * * * * * - -A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while -cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the -following: - -"You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"Do you drink yourself?" - -"That's _my_ business!"--angrily. - -Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked: - -"Have you any other business?" - - * * * * * - -One rainy afternoon Aunt Sue was explaining the meaning of various -words to her young nephew. "Now, an heirloom, my dear, means something -that has been handed down from father to son," she said. - -"Well," replied the boy thoughtfully, "that's a queer name for my -pants." - - * * * * * - -"The easiest money that I ever made," said a shipping man the other -day, "was handed to me in New York not long ago. I was visiting there -and had a little time to myself, so I bought a paper and went down to -the river front. I saw an advertisement in the paper saying that a tug -was to be auctioned off that day, so I went to the place and stood -around examining the tug. After a while a man who had been watching me -came over and began asking questions. I told him I was interested in -boats and was from Philadelphia. Then he asked: 'What are you doing -down here?' 'I came down to this auction sale,' I said. 'Well,' said -the man, 'if you want to keep on the right side of the boys you'll do -something for me. Here's $100; do not bid on the tug.' I took the -money and departed. I had not the slightest intention of bidding." - - * * * * * - -A bride and groom had been much troubled by the stares of people at -hotels wherever they went. So when they arrived at the next hotel the -groom called the colored head-waiter. - -"Now, George," he said, "we have been bothered to death by people -staring at us because we are just married. We want to be free from -that sort of thing here. Now, here's two dollars, and remember I trust -you not to tell people that we are just married, if they ask you. -Understand?" - -"Yas, sah!" said George; "I un'stand." - -All went well that day. But the following morning when the couple came -down to breakfast the staring was worse than ever. Chambermaids in the -hall snickered; the clerks behind the desk nudged each other; -everybody in the dining-room stared. When the couple returned to their -room it was only to see a head sticking out of nearly every room down -the long hall. - -This was too much. - -This _was_ the limit! - -Angered beyond control, the groom went to the desk and called for the -head-waiter. - -"Look here, you old fool," said the groom, "didn't I give you two -dollars to protect my wife and myself from the staring business?" - -"Yas, sah, you did," said George. "'Pon me soul, I didn't tell, sah." - -"Then how about this staring?" asked the irate groom. "It's worse here -than anywhere. Did anybody ask if we were married?" - -"Yas, sah; several folks did," replied George. - -"Well, what did you tell them?" - -"I tole 'em, sah," replied the honest negro, "you wuzn't married at -all." - - * * * * * - -A witty priest was once visiting a "self-made" millionaire, who took -him to see his seldom-used library. - -"There," said the millionaire, pointing to a table covered with books, -"there are my best friends." - -"Ah," replied the wit, as he glanced at the leaves, "I'm glad you -don't cut them!" - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Maloney was before the Judge, charged with assault on Policeman -Casey. She had been unusually attentive throughout the proceedings, -and now the Judge was summing up the evidence. - -"The evidence shows, Mrs. Maloney," he began, "that you threw a stone -at Policeman Casey." - -"It shows more than that, yer Honor," interrupted Mrs. Maloney; "it -shows that Oi hit him." - - * * * * * - -When Mark Twain was a young and struggling newspaper writer, in San -Francisco, a lady of his acquaintance saw him one day with a cigar-box -under his arm looking in a shop window. - -"Mr. Clemens," she said, "I always see you with a cigar-box under your -arm. I am afraid you are smoking too much." - -"It isn't that," said Mark. "I'm moving again." - - * * * * * - -A thunderstorm overtook the Emperor Francis Joseph of Austria when out -shooting in 1873 with old Emperor William of Germany and Victor -Emmanuel. The three monarchs got separated from their party and lost -their way. They were drenched to the skin, and, in search of shelter, -hailed a peasant driving a covered cart drawn by oxen along the high -road. The peasant took up the royal trio and drove on. - -"And who may you be, for you are a stranger in these parts?" he asked, -after a while, of Emperor William. - -"I am the Emperor of Germany," replied his Teutonic majesty. - -"Ha, very good," said the peasant, and then, addressing Victor -Emmanuel, "and you, my friend?" - -"Why, I am the King of Italy," came the prompt reply. - -"Ha, ha, very good, indeed! And who are you?" addressing Francis -Joseph. - -"I am the Emperor of Austria," said the latter. - -The peasant then scratched his head and said with a knowing wink: -"Very good, and who do you suppose I am?" - -Their majesties replied they would like very much to know. - -"Why, I am his Holiness the Pope." - - * * * * * - -In a cemetery at Middlebury, Vt., is a stone, erected by a widow to -her loving husband, bearing this inscription: - -"Rest in peace--until we meet again." - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Gilroy, prominent in the church work of her small city, had -acquired a new servant, willing but ignorant. - -"Bridget," she said, "I am going to lie down and do not wish to be -disturbed. If any one calls, do not say I am not at home, but give an -evasive answer." - -"What's that, mum?" said Bridget. - -Having explained as well as she could, the good lady retired and later -appeared below stairs, much refreshed. - -"Did any one call?" she asked. - -"Yes, mum; the new minister, from your church." - -"Oh, Bridget. What did you tell him?" - -"Well," sez he, "is Mrs. Gilroy at home?" and I sez nuthin', and sez -he a little louder, "Is Mrs. Gilroy at home?" and sez I, "Was your -grandmother a monkey?" - - * * * * * - -A young kindergarten teacher, of Manhattan, who is made much of by her -pupils--frequently meeting their parents--has a very affable manner, -and, on entering a Broadway car recently, exclaimed in her most -cordial way to one of the passengers: "Why, how do you do, Mr. Brown!" -As the man addressed evidently did not know her and looked rather -dazed, she saw her mistake and hurriedly apologized, saying: "Oh, I -beg your pardon-I thought you were the father of one of my children." - -Then every one within hearing looked so amused that the young lady -left the car at the next stop. - - * * * * * - -A Mr. Johnson, of Boston, was the owner of a small yacht, in which he -took much pleasure during the summer, cruising along the coast. - -He had for a cook a young fellow from Denmark whose English was not -always perfect, but who made himself so generally useful that Mr. -Johnson kept him for several years at good wages. One summer they -landed at a place where a camp-meeting was in full blast. Our friend, -the Dane, was greatly interested and took a front seat. - -Near the close of the meeting one of the brethren went about among the -people exhorting them to "go forward." Coming to the Dane, he said, -"My friend, don't you want to work for Jesus?" - -"No," said the Dane, "I've got a good yob with Yohnson." - - * * * * * - -Johnny--"Pa, did Moses have the dyspepsia like you?" - -Father--"How on earth do I know? What makes you ask such a question?" - -"Why, our Sunday-school teacher says the Lord gave Moses two tablets." - - * * * * * - -Elderly Aunt--"I suppose you wondered, dear little Hans, why I left -you so abruptly in the lane. I saw a man, and oh, how I ran!" - -Hans--"Did you get him?" - - * * * * * - -A man returned home late one night after having partaken rather freely -of the "cup that cheers." All might have been well had not one tree -intercepted between him and his destination--one solitary tree at the -foot of his own steps; but Mr. B---- suddenly came into such forcible -contact with that tree that he was almost stunned. After recovering -his senses, he wandered about, but repeatedly bumped into the same -inoffensive barrier. At length he sank down on the ground and muttered -helplessly: - -"Lost! Lost! in an impenetrable forest!" - - * * * * * - -The intoxicated individual who, after bumping into the same tree -thirteen times, bemoaned the fact that he was lost in an impenetrable -forest, is no greater disgrace to modern civilization than the hero of -this story: - -A citizen of Seattle who had looked upon the wine when he was no -longer sure what color it was, in the course of his journey home -encountered a tree protected by an iron tree-guard. Grasping the bars, -he cautiously felt his way around it twice. - -"Curse it!" he moaned, sinking to the ground in despair. "Locked in!" - - * * * * * - -Stanley, aged four, was one of a large family. Besides numerous -sisters and brothers, there were aunts and uncles galore and many -cousins. The only very young people, however, were those in his -immediate household. - -One Thanksgiving dinner Stanley gazed solemnly around the table for a -while, and then announced, oracularly: - -"My mother and the cat seem to be the only people in this whole family -that have any children!" - - * * * * * - -A clergyman was being shaved by a barber, who had evidently become -unnerved by the previous night's dissipation. Finally he cut the -clergyman's chin. The latter looked up at the artist reproachfully, -and said: - -"You see, my man, what comes of hard drinking." - -"Yes, sir," replied the barber consolingly, "it makes the skin -tender." - - * * * * * - -Mistress--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?" - -Maid--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, ut do bite the tongue!" - - * * * * * - -They had just met; conversation was somewhat fitful. Finally he -decided to guide it into literary channels, where he was more at home, -and, turning to his companion, asked: - -"Are you fond of literature?" - -"Passionately," she replied. "I love books dearly." - -"Then you must admire Sir Walter Scott," he exclaimed with sudden -animation. "Is not his 'Lady of the Lake' exquisite in its flowing -grace and poetic imagery? Is it not--" - -"It is perfectly lovely," she assented, clasping her hands in ecstasy. -"I suppose I have read it a dozen times." - -"And Scott's 'Marmion,'" he continued, "with its rugged simplicity and -marvelous description--one can almost smell the heather on the heath -while perusing its splendid pages." - -"It is perfectly grand," she murmured. - -"And Scott's 'Peveril of the Peak' and his noble 'Bride of -Lammermoor'--where in the English language will you find anything more -heroic than his grand auld Scottish characters and his graphic, -forceful pictures of feudal times and customs? You like them, I am -sure." - -"I just dote upon them," she replied. - -"And Scott's Emulsion," he continued hastily, for a faint suspicion -was beginning to dawn upon him. - -"I think," she interrupted rashly, "that it's the best thing he ever -wrote." - - * * * * * - -"Why is Jones growing a beard?" - -"Oh, I believe his wife made him a present of some ties." - - * * * * * - -Wife--"Do come over to Mrs. Barker's with me, John. She'll make you -feel just as if you were at home." - -Her Husband--"Then what's the use of going?" - - * * * * * - -About forty years ago, walking down Market street, in this city, I -heard a darky commenting on a sign he had just spelt out, stretched -across the sidewalk in front of a livery stable: - -"Jist like 'em. Aftah dars no moh slabry dey stick up signs foh me: -'Man-ure Free'!" - - * * * * * - -In the audience at a lecture on China there was a very pious old lady -who was slightly deaf. She thought the lecturer was preaching, and -every time he came to a period she would say "Amen!" or some other -pious exclamation. The people in the audience, which was composed -mostly of the village church members, knew she was being reverent and -did not even smile when she exclaimed, until finally the lecturer -mentioned some far-off city in China, saying, "I live there." At this -point clearly and distinctly could be heard the old lady, saying, -"Thank God for that." - - * * * * * - -A pushing young actor who was playing understudy in one of Mr. -Barrie's plays found his opportunity one night through the illness of -his principal. He accordingly flooded his managerial and influential -acquaintances with telegrams announcing: "I play So-and-So's part -to-night." Except that the theater was comparatively empty this -breathless disclosure produced no result, except a telegram in reply -from Mr. Barrie, to this effect: "Thanks for the warning." - - * * * * * - -It was a busy day in the butcher-shop. The butcher yelled to the boy -who helped him out in the shop: "Hurry up, John, and don't forget to -cut off Mrs. Murphy's leg, and break Mrs. Jones's bones, and don't -forget to slice Mrs. Johnson's tongue." - - * * * * * - -Ralph Waldo Emerson, like other men of genius, was absent-minded, and, -when a fit of inspiration seized him, he was oblivious to the things -of earth to a ludicrous extent. A story that is vouched for as true -illustrates this. - -The old-fashioned matches, in use in New England in Emerson's time, -were made in cards, or flat slabs, the matches being joined at the -foot, and separating at the top, like the teeth of a deep comb. -Emerson was accustomed, in the midnight watches, to lie awake -communing with his own thoughts, and, if any especial inspiration -developed itself, he would get up and write it down, lighting the lamp -for that purpose. - -One night, Mrs. Emerson was awakened by her gifted husband's voice, as -he called to her plaintively: - -"What is the matter with the matches, my dear? I have struck seven, -and not one will light. Where can I get some good ones?" - -Mrs. Emerson got out of bed at once, and found the matches in their -accustomed place. Her husband had not touched them. - -"Why, what can you have been striking, in mistake for matches?" she -asked, anxiously, and beheld her best carved tortoise-shell comb, -which the absorbed philosopher, had broken up, tooth by tooth, in -mistake for the card of matches. - - * * * * * - -Instructor in Public Speaking--"What is the matter with you, Mr. -Jones; can't you speak any louder? Be more enthusiastic. Open your -mouth and throw yourself into it." - - * * * * * - -"I confess that the subject of psychical research makes no great -appeal to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar -dyes, told some friends in New York. "Personally, in the course of a -fairly long career, I have heard at first hand but one ghost story. -Its hero was a man whom I may as well call Snooks. - -"Snooks, visiting at a country house, was put in the haunted chamber -for the night. He said that he did not feel the slightest uneasiness, -but nevertheless, just as a matter of precaution, he took to bed with -him a revolver of the latest American pattern. - -"He slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two, when he awoke -with an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He raised his head and -peered about him. The room was wanly illumined by the full moon, and -in that weird, bluish light he thought he discerned a small, white -hand clasping the rail at the foot of the bed. - -"'Who's there?' he asked tremulously. - -"There was no reply. The small, white hand did not move. - -"'Who's there?' he repeated. 'Answer me or I'll shoot.' - -"Again there was no reply. - -"Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and fired. - -"From that night on he's limped. Shot off two of his own toes." - - * * * * * - -When the Rev. Dr. Henson, then of Chicago, came to the New York -Chautauqua to lecture on "Fools," Bishop Vincent introduced him thus: - -"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now to have a lecture on 'Fools' by one -of the most distinguished----" - -Here there was a long pause, the Bishop's inflection indicating that -he had finished. The audience roared with delight, and roared again, -so that it was some time before the sentence was concluded--"men of -Chicago." - -Dr. Henson, who is a man of ready wit, stepped to the front of the -platform, and said: - -"Ladies and gentlemen, I am not so great a fool as Bishop Vincent----" -and then he paused as if he had finished, and the audience went fairly -wild over the situation. When quiet was restored, Dr. Henson -concluded--"would have you think." - - * * * * * - -Doctor (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)--"What do you drink?" - -Sandy (with brightening face)--"Oh, I'm nae particular, doctor! -Anything you've got with ye." - - * * * * * - -Every employee of the Bank of England is required to sign his name in -a book on his arrival in the morning, and, if late, must give the -reason therefor. The chief cause of tardiness is usually fog, and the -first man to arrive writes "fog" opposite his name, and those who -follow write "ditto." One day, however, the first late man gave as the -reason, "wife had twins," and twenty other late men mechanically -signed "ditto" underneath. - - * * * * * - -At a dinner in Washington there was told a Scotch story of a -parishioner who had strayed from his own kirk. - -"Why weren't you at the kirk on Sunday?" asked the preacher of the -culprit on meeting him a day or two later. - -"I was at Mr. McClellan's kirk," said the other. - -"I don't like you running about to strange kirks like that," continued -the minister. "Not that I object to your hearing Mr. McClellan, but -I'm sure you widna like your sheep straying into strange pastures." - -"I widna care a grain, sir, if it was better grass," responded the -parishioner. - - * * * * * - -Tommy, very sleepy, was saying his prayers. "Now I lay me down to -sleep," he began. "I pray the Lord my soul to keep." - -"'If,'" his mother prompted. - -"If he hollers let him go, eeny, meeny, miny, mo!" - - * * * * * - -Perish the thought that the novelist or playwright should be tied down -to historical accuracy! Lady Dorothy Neville quotes an amusing -correspondence between Bulwer Lytton and her brother, Horace Walpole. - -"My dear Walpole: Here I am at Bath--bored to death. I am thinking of -writing a play about your great ancestor Sir Robert. Had he not a -sister Lucy, and did she not marry a Jacobite?" - -Walpole promptly replied: - -"My dear Lytton: I care little for my family, and less still for Sir -Robert, but I know that he never had a sister Lucy, so she could not -have married a Jacobite." - -However, this mattered little to Lord Lytton, for his answer ran: - -"My dear Walpole: You are too late! Sir Robert _had_ a sister Lucy, -and she _did_ marry a Jacobite." - -So in defiance of history, the play "Walpole" was written. - - * * * * * - -"Here's a curious item, Joshua!" exclaimed Mrs. Lemington, spreading -out the Billeville "Mirror" in her ample lap. "The _Nellie E. -Williams_ of Gloucester reports that she saw two whales, a cow and a -calf, floating off Cape Cod the day before yesterday." - -"Well, ma," replied old Mr. Lemington, "what's the matter with that?" - -"Why, it's all right about the two whales, Joshua, but what bothers me -is how the cow and the calf got way out there." - - * * * * * - -A Congressman once declared in an address to the House: - -"As Daniel Webster says in his great dictionary--" - -"It was Noah who wrote the dictionary," whispered a colleague, who sat -at the next desk. - -"Noah, nothing," replied the speaker. "Noah built the ark." - - * * * * * - -Father (who has been called upon in the city and asked for his -daughter's hand)--"Louise, do you know what a solemn thing it is to be -married?" - -Louise--"Oh, yes, pa; but it is a good deal more solemn being -single." - - * * * * * - -Captain Roald Amundsen, Norway's famous explorer, told this story -about a National Guard encampment: - -"A new volunteer, who had not quite learned his business, was on -sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought him a pie from the -canteen. - -"As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undress -uniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and the -major stopped and said: - -"'What's that you have there?' - -"'Pie,' said the sentry, good-naturedly. 'Apple pie. Have a bite?' - -"The major frowned. - -"'Do you know who I am?' he asked. - -"'No,' said the sentry, 'unless you're the major's groom.' - -"The major shook his head. - -"'Guess again,' he growled. - -"'The barber from the village?' - -"'No.' - -"'Maybe--' here the sentry laughed--'maybe you're the major himself?' - -"'That's right. I am the major,' was the stern reply. - -"The sentry scrambled to his feet. - -"'Good gracious!' he exclaimed. 'Hold the pie, will you, while I -present arms!'" - - * * * * * - -A player for many years associated with the late Richard Mansfield -relates that one day in Philadelphia, as he was standing by a huge -poster in front of the theater a poster that represented Mansfield in -the character of "Henry V.," a man who was strolling by stopped to -gaze at the bill. Finally, with a snort of disgust, he muttered as he -turned to go: - -"_'Henry V.--_' what?" - - * * * * * - -"There is an old negro down in my town," said John Sharp Williams, the -former Democratic leader of the House, "who did me a service. I wanted -to reward him, so I said: - -"'Uncle, which shall I give you--a ton of coal or a bottle of whisky?' - -"'Foh de Lo'd, Massa John,' he replied, 'you-all shorely knows I buhn -wood.'" - - * * * * * - -"No," remarked a determined lady to an indignant cabman who had -received his legal fare, "you can not cheat me, my man. I haven't -ridden in cabs for the last twenty-five years for nothing." - -"Haven't you, mum?" replied the cabman, bitterly, gathering up the -reins. "Well, you've done your best!" - - * * * * * - -On the mighty deep. - -The great ocean liner rolled and pitched. - -"Henry," faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?" - -"More than ever, darling!" was Henry's fervent answer. - -Then there was eloquent silence. - -"Henry," she gasped, turning her pale, ghastly face away. "I thought -that would make me feel better, but it doesn't!" - - * * * * * - -Once in Nice an Englishman and a Frenchman were about to separate on -the Promenade des Anglais. - -The Englishman, as he started toward the Cercle Mediterranee, called -back: - -"Au reservoir!" - -And the Frenchman waved his hand and answered: - -"Tanks." - - * * * * * - -During a Baptist convention held in Charleston the Rev. Dr. Greene of -Washington strolled down to the Battery one morning to take a look -across the harbor at Fort Sumter. An old negro was sitting on the -seawall fishing. Dr. Greene watched the lone fisherman, and finally -saw him pull up an odd-looking fish, a cross between a toad and a -catfish. - -"What kind of a fish is that, old man?" inquired Dr. Greene. - -"Dey calls it de Baptist fish," replied the fisherman, as he tossed it -away in deep disgust. - -"Why do they call it the Baptist fish?" asked the minister. - -"Because dey spoil so soon after dey comes outen de water," answered -the fisherman. - - * * * * * - -Blanche, Wilbur, and Thomas were in the garden playing, and making a -great deal of noise, but small Jack sat in a corner very quietly, -which for Jack was an unusual proceeding. After watching them for -some time, the mother's curiosity prompted her to ask: - -"What are you playing?" - -"We are playing house," answered Wilbur. "Blanche and I are the mother -and father, and Thomas is the child." - -"And what does Jack do?" - -"Sh, sh! he isn't born yet." - - * * * * * - -Governor Chamberlain of Connecticut used to tell of an old friend who, -because of his deafness, made some ludicrous and at times embarrassing -mistakes. Once he was at a dinner party where the lady seated next to -him tried to help him along in conversation. As the fruit was being -passed, she asked him: "Do you like bananas?" - -"No," said the old gentleman, with a look of mild surprise. "The fact -is," he added in a confidential tone which could be heard in the next -room, "I find the old-fashioned nightshirt is good enough for me." - - * * * * * - -An Atchison woman with a little baby tells the following story. She -says that a woman caller said: "What a dear little baby; how old is -it?" "Sixteen months," replied the Atchison woman. "Well, dear me, it -looks older," said the caller, and then went on and talked and talked -and finally turned again to the baby, and said: "That precious baby, -how old is it?" "Sixteen months," replied the mother. "Well, dear me," -smilingly said the caller. "Oh, such a big baby for its age," and went -on talking and talking. Again turning to the baby the caller said: -"What a darling angel the baby is; how old is it?" "Eighteen months," -said the exasperated mother. "Well, I declare, it looks two years -old," said the caller, and then talked and talked. Just as she was -leaving the caller stooped and kissed the baby and said: "Bless its -little heart; how old is it?" "Ten months," shrieked the outraged -mother, but the caller tripped gaily away; she had not noticed the -replies to her questions, and had no idea and did not care how old the -baby was. - - * * * * * - -A boy went into a confectioner's shop and asked for a glass of -lemonade. When it was given him he took it, looked at it, and said he -would have a bun instead. The bun was given him; he ate it and was -walking out of the shop when the confectioner called after him, "Hi, -you haven't paid for your bun." "No," said the boy, "I gave you back -the lemonade for that." "But," said the man, "you did not pay for the -lemonade." "I didn't drink it," said the boy, and walked out of the -shop leaving the confectioner calculating. - - * * * * * - -Two women overheard talking in a poor district of London: "Did ye ever -'ear tell of Lot's wife?" "Well, no, Mrs. Brown, I can't say I ever -did. Why?" "Well, I don't know very much about 'er myself, but I 'ave -'eard tell of 'er that she turned into a pillar of salt." "Lord, did -she? What funny things one does 'ear nowadays. It was only this -morning I was out with my 'usband and 'e turned into a public-house." - - * * * * * - -Willie Green was not only chewing gum, but had his feet sprawled out -in the aisle in a most unbecoming manner. - -"Willie," said the teacher, "take that gum out of your mouth this -instant, and put in your feet." - - * * * * * - -William was considered the brightest boy in his grade; upon hearing a -lesson recited in class once or twice he knew it quite well. Thus, -while the other fellows were compelled to study hard he scarcely found -it necessary to open a book. At the expiration of the term one of the -questions in the written geography was, "What is the equator?" - -William, always to be depended upon, wrote without delay: - -"The equator is a menagerie lion running around the center of the -earth." - - * * * * * - -He was an earnest minister, and one Sunday, in the course of a sermon -on the significance of little things, he said: - -"The hand which made the mighty heavens made a grain of sand; which -made the lofty mountains made a drop of water; which made you made the -grass of the field; which made me made a daisy!" - - * * * * * - -A young Scotchman, bashful but desperately in love, finding no notice -was taken of his visits to the house of his sweetheart, summoned up -sufficient courage to address the fair one thus: - -"Jean, I was here on Monday nicht." - -"Ay, ye were that," replied she. - -"An' I was here on Tuesday nicht." - -"So ye were." - -"An' I was here on Wednesday," continued the ardent youth. - -"Ay, an' ye were on Thursday nicht an' a'." - -"An' I was here last nicht." - -"Weel," she says, "what if ye were?" - -"An' I am here the nicht again." - -"An' what about it even if ye came every nicht?" - -"What about it, did ye say? Did ye no' begin to smell a rat?" - - * * * * * - -Rustic--"Well, Miss, I be fair mazed wi' the ways o' that 'ere -fisherman--that I be!" - -Parson's Daughter--"Why is that, Carver?" - -Rustic--"The owd fool has been sittin' there for the last six hours -and hasn't caught nothin'." - -Parson's Daughter--"How do you know that?" - -Rustic--"I've been a-watchin' o' he the whole time!" - - * * * * * - -A stately and venerable professor one morning, being unable to attend -to his class on account of a cold, wrote on the blackboard: - -"Dr. Dash, through indisposition, is unable to attend to his classes -to-day." - -The students erased one letter in this notice, making it read: - -"Dr. Dash, through indisposition, is unable to attend to his lasses -to-day." - -But it happened a few minutes later that the professor returned for a -box he had forgotten. Amid a roar of laughter he detected the change -in his notice, and, approaching the blackboard, calmly erased one -letter in his turn. - -Now the notice read: - -"Dr. Dash, through indisposition, is unable to attend to his asses -to-day." - - * * * * * - -The man in the smoker was boasting of his unerring ability to tell -from a man's looks exactly what city he came from. "You, for example," -he said to the man next to him, "you are from New Orleans?" He was -right. - -"You, my friend," turning to the man on the other side of him, "I -should say you are from Chicago?" Again he was right. - -The other two men got interested. - -"And you are from Boston?" he asked the third man. - -"That's right, too," said the New Englander. - -"And you from Philadelphia, I should say?" to the last man. - -"No, sir," answered the man with considerable warmth; "I've been sick -for three months: that's what makes me look that way!" - - * * * * * - -Five-year-old Nellie had been naughty all day. Finally her mama, a -very portly woman, sat down and drew the little culprit across her -ample lap to administer the long-delayed punishment. Nellie's face was -fairly buried in the folds of her mother's dress. Before the maternal -hand could descend Nellie turned her face to say, "Well, if I'm going -to be spanked _I must have air_." - - * * * * * - -"John," said the woman with nine chapeaux, "I got another new hat -to-day." "My dear!" expostulated her husband, "that is the last -straw." "I know it," she said; "just from Paris." - - * * * * * - -A prominent Bostonian inquired of a London shopkeeper for Hare's -"Walks in London." - -The shopkeeper, after much search, found it on his shelves, but in two -volumes. - -"Ah," said the Bostonian, "you have your Hare parted in the middle -over here." - -"What!" exclaimed the Englishman, blankly, passing his hands over his -head. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Blaine used to tell this story: Once, in Dublin, toward the end of -the opera, Mephistopheles was conducting Faust through a trap-door -which represented the gates of hell. His majesty got through all -right--he was used to going below--but Faust was quite stout, got -half-way in, and no squeezing would get him any farther. Suddenly an -Irishman in the gallery exclaimed devoutly: "Thank God! hell's full." - - * * * * * - -An Ohio man who was recently elected to Congress, went to Washington -to look around and see what his duties were. He was hospitably -received, and was wined and dined a great many times by his -colleagues. Before he went home he said to his friends: "By George, I -have had a good time! I have had dinners and breakfasts and suppers -galore given to me. In fact, I haven't had my knife out of my mouth -since I struck town." - - * * * * * - -When Commissioner Allen had charge of the Patent Office in Washington -he was very punctilious about the respect due him and his position, -and demanded full tribute from everybody. - -One day, as he was sitting at his desk, two men came in without -knocking or announcement and without removing their hats. - -Allen looked up and impaled the intruders with his glittering eye. -"Gentlemen," he said severely, "who are visitors to this office to see -me are always announced, and always remove their hats." - -"Huh," replied one of the men, "we ain't visitors, and we don't give a -hoot about seeing you. We came in to fix the steam pipes." - - * * * * * - -One time there was a fire in a small town. It was being discussed in -the hearing of several of the citizens. One man said he believed it -was incendiary. Another replied: "Incendiary, nonsense! It was set on -fire!" - - * * * * * - -Addressing a political gathering the other day a speaker gave his -hearers a touch of the pathetic. "I miss," he said, brushing away a -not unmanly tear, "I miss many of the old faces I used to shake hands -with." - - * * * * * - -The Rev. Moses Jackson was holding services in a small country church, -and at the conclusion lent his hat to a member (as was the custom) to -pass around for contributions. The brother canvassed the congregation -thoroughly, but the hat was returned empty to its owner. - -Bre'r Jackson looked into it, turned it upside down, and shook it -vigorously, but not a copper was forthcoming. He sniffed audibly. -"Brederen," he said, "I sho' is glad dat I got my hat back ergin." - - * * * * * - - Pattern for all beneath the sun, - To Taft award the palm and bun! - They told him what they wanted done-- - He done it. - - * * * * * - -Secretary Knox tells a good story of the last fight the late Senator -Quay, of Pennsylvania, made in the Senate. Quay was working hard on -the Oklahoma Statehood Bill, obstructing legislation, when a scheme -was fixed up to get him away from the Senate for a time. Quay was very -fond of tarpon fishing and had a winter place in Florida. One -afternoon he received this telegram from a friend who thought the -Senator might be in better business than pottering around about new -States: - -"Fishing never so good. Tarpon biting everywhere, sport magnificent; -come." - -Quay read the telegram and smiled a little smile. Then he answered: - -"Tarpon may be biting, but I am not.--M. S. Quay." - - * * * * * - -"Now, children," said the teacher, "I want each of you to think of -some animal or bird and try for the moment to be like the particular -one you are thinking about, and make the same kind of noises they are -in the habit of making." - -Instantly the schoolroom became a menagerie. Lions roaring, dogs -barking, birds singing and twittering, cows lowing, calves bleating, -cats meowing, etc., all in an uproar and excitement--all with one -exception, off in a remote corner a little fellow was sitting -perfectly still, apparently indifferent and unmindful of the rest. The -teacher observing him, approached and said: "Waldo, why are you not -taking part with the other children?" - -Waving her off with a deprecating hand and rebuking eyes he whispered: -"Sh-sh-sh, teacher! I'm a rooster, and I'm a-layin' a aig!" - - * * * * * - -Bishop Brewster, of Connecticut, while visiting some friends not long -ago, tucked his napkin in his collar to avoid the juice of the -grapefruit at breakfast. He laughed as he did it, and said it reminded -him of a man he once knew who rushed into a restaurant and, seating -himself at a table, proceeded to tuck his napkin under his chin. He -then called a waiter and said, "Can I get lunch here?" "Yes," -responded the waiter in a dignified manner, "but not a shampoo." - - * * * * * - -A man and his wife were once staying at a hotel, when in the night -they were aroused from their slumbers by the cry that the hotel was -afire. - -"Now, my dear," said the husband, "I will put into practise what I -have preached. Put on all your indispensable apparel and keep cool." - -Then he slipped his watch into his vest pocket and walked with his -wife out of the hotel. When all danger was past, he said, "Now you see -how necessary it is to keep cool." - -The wife for the first time glanced at her husband. - -"Yes, William," she said, "it is a grand thing, but if I were you I -would have put on my trousers." - - * * * * * - -One evening as the mother of the little niece of Phillips Brooks was -tucking her snugly in bed the maid stepped in and said there was a -caller waiting in the parlor. The mother told the child to say her -prayers and promised that she would be back in a few minutes. - -The caller remained only a short time, and when the mother went -upstairs again she asked the little girl if she had done as she was -bidden. - -"Yes, mama, I did and I didn't," she said. - -"What do you mean by that, dear?" - -"Well, mama, I was awfully sleepy, so I just asked God if he wouldn't -excuse me to-night and He said, 'Oh, don't mention it, Miss Brooks.'" - - * * * * * - -"Would you mind walking the other w'y and not passing the 'orse?" said -a London cabman with exaggerated politeness to the fat lady who had -just paid a minimum fare. - -"Why?" she inquired. - -"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carryin' for a shilling 'e'll 'ave a -fit." - - * * * * * - -One afternoon during a recent sea voyage of Ex-Ambassador Choate the -waves were unpleasantly high, and the ship was rolling a bit, to the -discomfiture of some passengers. - -Mr. Choate remarked: "'Tis better to have lunched and lost than never -to have lunched at all." - - * * * * * - -A certain minister was deeply impressed by an address on the evils of -smoking given at a recent synod. He rose from his seat, went over to a -fellow minister, and said: - -"Brother, this morning I received a present of 100 good cigars. I have -smoked one of them, but now I'm going home to burn the remainder in -the fire." - -The other minister arose, and said it was his intention to accompany -his reverend brother. - -"I mean to rescue the ninety and nine," he added. - - * * * * * - -Expecting a visit from the superintendent of an adjacent Sunday-school -one Sunday afternoon, one enterprising teacher, anticipating the line -of questions which would be asked of the scholars selected a boy from -her class to answer each question. As she had figured it out, the -visitor would first ask the pupils the question, "Who made you?" and -the first pupil was, of course, to answer "God." The next question was -to be "Of what?" to which the answer was to be "Of the dust of the -earth." Unfortunately between the time that Sunday-school was called -to order and the visiting superintendent took the floor, the first -pupil was taken sick and obliged to go home. The teacher did not have -the opportunity to readjust her forces, and when the first question -was asked, the second boy thought it a good opportunity for him to get -in his answer and have it off his mind; so to the question, "Who made -you?" he answered, "Of the dust of the earth." - -"Oh, no," said the visitor. "God made you." - -"No, sir; He did not," said the youngster. "The little boy that God -made has gone home sick, and I am the dust of the earth." - - * * * * * - -When General Grant was in London on his trip around the world he was -invited to Windsor Castle by Queen Victoria. The queen received the -party in one of the private audience chambers and chatted with General -Grant for a few moments before dinner was served. - -Jesse Grant, then a small boy, was with the general, and stood just -behind him. As the general was talking, Jesse pulled impatiently at -his coat-tails a number of times. Finally, the general turned -half-way, and Jesse whispered: - -"Pa, can't I be introduced?" - -"Your Majesty," said the general, "I should like to present my son, -Master Jesse." - -The queen shook Jesse's hand cordially, and that young man, thinking -it incumbent on him to say something, glanced approvingly around the -room and said: "Fine house you have here, ma'am." - - * * * * * - -Daniel J. Sully, the former Cotton King, made a trip through the South -one winter, and when he came back he told a story of an old negro who -had been working for a cotton planter time out of mind. One morning he -came to his employer and said: - -"I'se gwineter quit, boss." - -"What's the matter, Mose?" - -"Well, sah, yer manager, Mistah Winter, ain't kicked me in de las' -free mumfs." - -"I ordered him not to kick you any more. I don't want anything like -that around my place. I don't want any one to hurt your feelings, -Mose." - -"Ef I don't git any more kicks I'se goin' to quit. Ebery time Mistah -Winter used ter kick and cuff me when he wuz mad he always git 'shamed -of hisself and gimme a quarter. I'se done los' enuff money a'ready wid -dis heah foolishness 'bout hurtin' ma feelin's." - - * * * * * - -A Chicago mistress had given the butcher her daily order over the -telephone. Later in the day she decided to change it a little, and -countermanded an order she had given for some liver. - -Calling up the butcher, she said: - -"You remember that I gave you an order this morning for a pound of -liver?" - -"Yes," answered the butcher. - -"Well, I find that I can get along without it, and you need not send -it." - -Before she could put down the receiver she heard the butcher say to -some one in the store: - -"Cut out Mrs. Blank's liver. She says she can get along without it." - - * * * * * - -Tommy--"Ma, I met the minister on my way to Sunday-school and he asked -me if I ever went fishing on Sunday." - -Mother--"And what did you say, darling?" - -Tommy--"I said, 'Get thee behind me, Satan,' and ran right away from -him." - - * * * * * - -"My hair is falling out," admitted the timid man in the chemist's. -"Can you recommend something to keep it in?" - -"Certainly," replied the obliging assistant. "Here is a nice cardboard -box." - - * * * * * - -An eloquent evangelist who was holding a series of protracted meetings -had been interrupted on several occasions by the departure of some one -of the audience. He determined to prevent further annoyance by making -an example of the next one so doing. Therefore, when a young man arose -to depart in the middle of a discourse, he said: "Young man, would -you rather go to hell than listen to this sermon?" The individual -addressed stopped midway up the aisle and, turning slowly about, -answered: "Well, to tell the truth, I don't know but I would." - - * * * * * - -Mr. Seabury and his wife were on the point of moving to another flat. -Both of them were anxious that the transfer should be made at the -least possible expense, and the nearness of the new home promised -materially to further this aim. - -"I can carry loads of little things over in my brown bag," announced -Mrs. Seabury. "And you can take books and so on in your big satchel." - -In discussing further the matter of transportation, Mrs. Seabury -remarked that, notwithstanding the heat, she could wear her winter -coat over, and leave it, and return for her spring coat. The idea -charmed her impractical husband. - -"Why, I can do the same thing!" he said. "I'll wear over one suit and -then come back for another!" - - * * * * * - -The ghost of Noah Webster came to a spiritual medium in Alabama, not -long ago, and wrote on a slip of paper: "It is tite times." Noah was -right, but we are sorry to see he has gone back on his dictionary. - - * * * * * - -Sydney Smith wrote to Jeffrey: "Tell Murray that I was much struck -with the politeness of Miss Markham the day after he went. In carving -a partridge I splashed her with gravy from head to foot; and, though -I saw three distinct brown rills of juice trickling down her cheek, -she had the complaisance to swear that not a drop had reached her. -Such circumstances are the triumphs of civilized life." - - * * * * * - -During a certain battle the colonel of an Irish regiment noticed that -one of his men was extremely devoted to him, and followed him -everywhere. At length he remarked, "Well, my man, you have stuck by me -well to-day." - -"Yis, sorr," replied Pat. "Shure me mither said to me, said she, just -stick to the colonel, Patrick, me bhoy, and you'll be all roight. Them -colonels never gets hurted." - - * * * * * - -Miss Frances Keller, of the Woman's Municipal League of New York, -illustrated admirably at a recent dinner party a point which she -wished to make in reply to a man who had said, "Women are vainer than -men." - -"Of course," Miss Keller answered, "I admit that women are vain and -men are not. There are a thousand proofs that this is so. Why, the -necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of -his collar." - -There were six men present and each of them put his hand gently behind -his neck. - - * * * * * - -As father was leaving the house one morning he looked in vain for his -umbrella. - -"I expect sister's beau took it last night," ventured six-year-old -Willie. - -"Oh, you naughty boy," said Sister Mabel; "how can you say that?" - -"Why, it's so," Willie insisted. "When he was saying good night I -heard him say, 'I am going to steal just one!'" - - * * * * * - -During a conversation with a young lady Mark Twain had occasion to -mention the word drydock. - -"What is a drydock, Mr. Clemens?" she asked. - -"A thirsty physician," replied the humorist. - - * * * * * - -Some officer had disobeyed or failed to comprehend an order. "I -believe I'll sit down," said Secretary Stanton, "and give that man a -piece of my mind." - -"Do so," said Lincoln, "write him now while you have it on your mind. -Make it sharp. Cut him all up." Stanton did not need a second -invitation. It was a bone crusher that he read to the President. - -"That's right," said Lincoln; "that's a good one." - -"Whom can I send it by?" mused the Secretary. - -"Send it!" replied Lincoln. "Why, don't send it at all. Tear it up. -You have freed your mind on the subject, and that is all that is -necessary. Tear it up. You never want to send such letters, I never -do." - - * * * * * - -A certain old gentleman's lack of "polish" is a sad trial to his -eldest daughter. Not long ago the family were gathered in the library, -one of the windows of which was open. - -"That air--" the father began, but was quickly interrupted. - -"Father, dear, don't say 'that air'--say 'that there,'" the daughter -admonished. - -"Well, this ear--" he again attempted, but was as quickly brought to a -halt. - -"Nor 'this 'ere'; 'this here' is correct," he was told. - -The old gentleman rose with an angry snort. "Look here, Mary," he -said. "Of course I know you have been to school and all that, but I -reckon I know what I want to say, an' I am going to say it. I believe -I feel cold in this ear from that air, and I'm going to shut the -window!" - - * * * * * - -"If you please, sir?" - -"Well, Jimmy?" - -"Me grandmother, sir--" - -"Aha, your grandmother! Go on, Jimmy." - -"Me grandmother an' me mother--" - -"What, and your mother, too! Both very ill, eh?" - -"No, sir. Me grandmother an' me mother are goin' to the baseball game -this afternoon an' they want me to stay home an' take care of me -little brudder." - - * * * * * - -Office-boy--"Please, Mr. Jones, my grandmother is dead, and so I must -get off early to go to the funeral match--I mean the baseball -ceremonies--that is--" - - * * * * * - -"That makes a difference," said Willie, snipping off the left ear of -one of the twins. - - * * * * * - -Bill Nye, when a young man, made an engagement with a lady to take her -driving. The appointed day came, but at the livery stable all the -horses were taken save one old, shaky, exceedingly gaunt beast. Mr. -Nye hired it and drove to his friend's residence. The lady kept him -waiting over an hour before she was ready and then, viewing the shabby -outfit, flatly refused to accompany Mr. Nye. "Why," she exclaimed, -"that horse may die of old age any moment!" - -"Madam," Mr. Nye replied, "when I arrived that horse was a prancing -young colt." - - * * * * * - -In "Some Reminiscences" by William Rossetti is the following anecdote -of Tennyson: "The witness was Allingham, to whom the incident -happened. He was at breakfast at the house of the poet laureate, who, -in a rather feeble moment of facetiousness, asked: 'Will you have a -hegg?' 'Yes, thank you,' replied Allingham, who had scarcely -appropriated the proffered viand when Tennyson added, 'I suppose you -understand I was only joking when I said hegg?'" - - * * * * * - -"Long introductions when a man has a speech to make are a bore," said -former Senator John C. Spooner, one of the great Senate leaders. "I -have had all kinds, but the most satisfactory one in my career was -that of a German mayor of a small town in my State, Wisconsin. - -"I was to make a political address, and the opera-house was crowded. -When it came time to begin, the mayor got up. - -"'Mine friends,' he said, 'I hafe asked been to introduce Senator -Spooner, who is to make a speech, yes. Veil, I haf dit so, und he vill -now do so.'" - - * * * * * - -The "Outlook," of New York, tells a story of two church workers from a -small town who came to New York on a slum hunt, and were more than -satisfied. One of them was asked by a friend, on her return, where she -and her husband had been. "In the slums of New York for a day and a -night," she answered, enthusiastically. "My dear, it was hell upon -earth. We had a _splendid_ time!" - - * * * * * - -On one occasion a schoolmaster was very much annoyed by the conduct of -a certain boy in his class. At last, finding the culprit giggling for -no apparent reason, he cried indignantly, "Now, then, W., what are you -laughing at? Are you laughing at me?" "No, sir," replied the -astonished boy. "Then I don't see what else there is to laugh at," -came the reply. - - * * * * * - -"Good by, Jessie!" - -"Good by, Auntie May. I hope I'll be a great, big girl before you come -to make us another visit." - - * * * * * - -The star pupil arose at the school entertainment to declaim his piece. -"Lend me your ears!" he bawled. "Ha," sneered the mother of the -opposition but defeated pupil, "that's Sarah Jane Doran's boy. He -wouldn't be his mother's son if he didn't want to borrow something." - - * * * * * - -"While walking in one of the business thoroughfares of Pittsburg one -year," says Robert Edeson, "my attention was arrested by a display of -shirts in a haberdasher's window, which for variety of sunset colors -far excelled a Turner landscape when the sun is red and low, and there -in the window in glaring green type a large sign read, 'Listen!'" - - * * * * * - -One of a party of gentlemen left his corner seat in an already crowded -railway car to go in search of something to eat, leaving a rug to -reserve his place. On returning he found that in spite of the rug and -the protests of his fellow passengers, the seat had been usurped by a -woman clad in handsome clothes. With flashing eyes she turned upon -him: "Do you know, sir, that I am one of the directors' wives?" -"Madam," he replied, "were you the director's only wife I should still -protest." - - * * * * * - -Mr. C., a distinguished lawyer of Boston, was on his way to Denver to -transact some important business. During the afternoon he noticed, in -the opposite section of the Pullman, a sweet-faced, tired-appearing -woman traveling with four small children. Being fond of children and -feeling sorry for the mother, he soon made friends with the little -ones. - -Early the next morning he heard their eager questions and the patient -"Yes, dear," of the mother as she tried to dress them, and looking -out he saw a small white foot protruding beyond the opposite curtain. -Reaching across the aisle, he took hold of the large toe and began to -recite: "This little pig went to market; this little pig stayed at -home; this little pig had roast beef; this little pig had none; this -little pig cried wee wee all the way home." The foot was suddenly -withdrawn and a cold, quiet voice said: "That is quite sufficient, -thank you." - -Mr. C. hastily withdrew to the smoker, where he remained until the -train arrived in Denver. - - * * * * * - -"'Deed I am going to get married," said little Winnie, the bright -daughter of a tenant on a quiet farm in a quiet county in "The -Northern Neck" of Virginia. - -"I don't believe anybody will have you," said Miss Mabel, the -landlord's daughter, teasingly. - -"Yes, they will; I'll make 'em," said Winnie. "I'm going to get -married and have _five_ children--two of 'em colored," thoughtfully, -"to do my work." - - * * * * * - -A reverend gentleman was addressing a Sunday-school class not long -ago, and was trying to enforce the doctrine that when people's hearts -were sinful they needed regulating. Taking out his watch, and holding -it up, he said: - -"Now, here is my watch; suppose it doesn't keep good time--now goes -too fast, and now too slow--what shall I do with it?" - -"Sell it," promptly replied a boy. - - * * * * * - -The high-born dame was breaking in a new footman--stupid but honest. - -In her brougham, about to make a round of visits, she found she had -forgotten her bits of pasteboard. So she sent the lout back with -orders to bring some of her cards that were on the mantelpiece in her -boudoir, and put them in his pocket. - -Here and there she dropped one and sometimes a couple, until at last -she told Jeames to leave three. - -"Can't do it, mum." - -"How's that?" - -"I've only got two left--the ace of spades and the seven of clubs!" - - * * * * * - -The small son of a certain university professor, whose parents are -deservedly popular for their tact and courteous speech, appeared at -the home of a fellow professor and hesitatingly asked Mrs. X. if he -might look at the parlor rug. Permission was, of course, granted, and -Mrs. X. felt some surprise to see the little fellow stoop over the rug -and stare silently for some half-minute. He straightened himself up -and, meeting her wondering expression, said triumphantly: - -"It doesn't make _me_ sick!" - - * * * * * - -Uncle Harry was a bachelor and not fond of babies. Even winsome -four-year-old Helen failed to win his heart. Every one made too much -fuss over the youngster, Uncle Harry declared. - -One day Helen's mother was called downstairs and with fear and -trembling asked Uncle Harry, who was stretched out on a sofa, if he -would keep his eye on Helen. Uncle Harry grunted "Yes," but never -stirred from his position--in truth his eyes were tight shut. - -By-and-by wee Helen tiptoed over to the sofa and leaning over Uncle -Harry softly inquired: - -"Feepy?" - -"No," growled Uncle Harry. - -"Tired?" ventured Helen. - -"No," said her uncle. - -"Sick?" further inquired Helen, with real sympathy in her voice. - -"No," still insisted Uncle Harry. - -"Dus' feel bum, hey?" - -And that won the uncle! - - * * * * * - -A member of the faculty of the University of Wisconsin tells of some -amusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in English. -The candidate had been instructed to write out examples of the -indicative, the subjunctive, the potential, and the exclamatory moods. -His effort resulted as follows: - -"I am endeavoring to pass an English examination. If I answer twenty -questions I shall pass. If I answer twelve questions I may pass. God -help me!" - - * * * * * - -A clergyman was very anxious to introduce some hymn-books into the -church, and arranged with his clerk that the latter was to give out -the notice immediately after the sermon. The clerk, however, had a -notice of his own to give out with reference to the baptism of -infants. Accordingly, at the close of the sermon he arose and -announced that "All those who have children whom they wish to have -baptized please send in their names at once to the clerk." The -clergyman, who was stone deaf, assumed that the clerk was giving out -the hymn-book notice, and immediately rose and said: "And I should -say, for the benefit of those who haven't any, that they may obtain -some from the ushers any day from three to four o'clock; the ordinary -little ones at twenty-five cents each, and special ones at fifty -cents." - - * * * * * - -Clyde Fitch, the brilliant playwright, said of a jeweled watch that -had been sent him by a Scotch admirer in Peebles: - -"A jeweled watch from Peebles. How strangely unexpected! It reminds me -of an open-air performance of 'As You Like It' that I once rehearsed. - -"I rehearsed this amateur performance in a garden that was overlooked -by a building operation. As my amateurs postured and chanted the -bard's beautiful lines, bricklayers above us laid bricks, carpenters -planed boards, and masons chipped stones. - -"And one afternoon, during a silent pause in our rehearsal, we heard a -voice from the building operation say gravely: - -"'I prithee, malapert, pass me yonder brick.'" - - * * * * * - -A clergyman who was very popular with his congregation saw a lady -about to call whom he was anxious not to meet. So he said to his -wife: - -"I'll run upstairs, my dear, and escape till she goes away." - -After about an hour he quietly tiptoed to the stair landing and -listened. All was quiet below. Reassured, he began to descend, and -called out over the balustrade: - -"Well, my dear, you got rid of that old bore at last?" - -The next instant a voice from below rooted him to the spot. It was the -voice of the caller! Then came a response which sounded inexpressibly -sweet to him. It was the voice of his wife: - -"Yes, dear, she went away over an hour ago; but here is our good -friend, Mrs. Blank, whom I am sure you want to meet." - - * * * * * - -A lady and her little daughter were walking through a fashionable -street when they came to a portion of the street strewn with straw, so -as to deaden the noise of vehicles passing a certain house. - -"What's that for, ma?" said the child, to which the mother replied, -"The lady who lives in that house, my dear, has had a little baby girl -sent her." The child thought a moment, looked at the quantity of -straw, and said: "Awfully well packed, wasn't she, ma?" - - * * * * * - -A politician, upon his arrival at one of the small towns in North -Dakota, where he was to make a speech the following day, found that -the two so-called hotels were crowded to the doors. - -Not having telegraphed for accommodations, the politician discovered -that he would have to make shift as best he could. - -He was compelled for that night to sleep on a wire cot which had only -some blankets and a sheet on it. As the statesman is a fat man, he -found his improvised bed anything but comfortable. - -"Well," asked a friend, when the politician appeared in the -dining-room in the morning, "how did you sleep?" - -"Oh, fairly well," replied the statesman, nonchalantly, "but I looked -like a waffle when I got up." - - * * * * * - -William Waldorf Astor, before he set out for his English home, said, -apropos of the Russo-Japanese War: "Nations engaged in war not only -harm each other, but they lay themselves open to harm at the hands of -all sorts of other nations. In fact, two nations at war are in the -defenseless and gullible position of a certain English married couple. - -"This couple will fall out and cease to speak to one another for a -year or more at a time. They have a beautiful country house, and there -is a certain elderly matron, a great bore, who visits them -continually. Some one asked this matron which of the pair was always -inviting her. She answered, frankly, 'Neither invites me ever, but -since they don't speak to each other, each always thinks I am the -other's guest.'" - - * * * * * - -They were talking over the carelessness of well-to-do people who, by -overlooking their small bills, frequently bring disaster upon the -tradesmen who are trying to do business on a small capital. - -"It sometimes happens that these poor devils have two or three times -the amount of their capital out in bills that if paid promptly would -make their commercial ways a path of roses," said the economist. -"Little bills of three, four, and five dollars, not much in -themselves, mount up high in the aggregate, and it sometimes happens -that a seeming prosperity, through the failure of a lot of customers -to pay their bills within a reasonable time, results in ruin. - -"And yet," said the reminiscencer, "it sometimes works the other way. -I heard a story in England once of a harness dealer who on entering -his shop one afternoon, after an absence of several hours, noticed -that a rather handsome saddle that he had had in stock had -disappeared. He made immediate inquiry of his salesmen, and one of -them informed him that he had sold it to a gentleman who had come to -the shop with his trap, that the purchaser had thrown it into his -wagon and driven off, after telling him to charge it. Unfortunately, -however, he had forgotten to ask the gentleman's name, and all effort -to identify him by description failed. - -"'Well,' said the shopkeeper, who was an ingenious man, 'there is only -one thing left to be done. We will charge the saddle up on all our -outstanding accounts. Those who did not buy the saddle will, of -course, call our attention to our error, and the man who did take it -will, of course, pay." - -"This method was adopted, and at the beginning of the next month the -bills were sent out accordingly. Two weeks later the saddler -approached his cashier, and asked if he had heard as yet about the -matter. 'How about that missing saddle, Marcus?' he asked. 'We are -doing very well, sir,' replied the cashier. 'Forty of our customers -have paid for it, and only two have discovered the mistake.'" - - * * * * * - -The story is told of a young Oregon girl, a favorite in society, but -who was poor and had to take care not to get her evening gowns soiled, -as their number was limited. At a dance not long ago a great, big, -red-faced, perspiring man came in and asked her to dance. He wore no -gloves. She looked at the well-meaning moist hands despairingly, and -thought of the immaculate back of her waist. She hesitated a bit, and -then she said, with a winning smile: - -"Of course I will dance with you, but if you don't mind, won't you -please use your handkerchief?" - -The man looked at her blankly a moment or two. Then a light broke over -his face. - -"Why, certainly," he said. - -And he pulled out his handkerchief and blew his nose. - - * * * * * - -Willie finally persuaded his aunt to play train with him. The chairs -were arranged in line and then he said: - -"Now, you be engineer and I'll be the conductor. Lend me your watch -and get up into your cab." He then hurried down the platform, -timepiece in hand. - -"Pull out there, you red-headed, pie-faced jay," he shouted to the -astonished young woman. - -"Why, Willie," she exclaimed in amazement. - -"That's right, chew the rag," he retorted. "Pull out. We're five -minutes late already." - -They have had to forbid his playing down by the tracks. - - * * * * * - -Andrew Lang once wrote to Israel Zangwill to ask him to take part in -an author's reading for the benefit of a charity, and received in -reply the following laconic message: "If A. Lang will--I. Zangwill." - - * * * * * - -Mr. Peet, a rather diffident man, was unable to prevent himself from -being introduced one evening to a fascinating young lady, who, -misunderstanding his name, constantly addressed him as Mr. Peters, -much to the gentleman's distress. Finally, summoning courage, he -bashfully but earnestly remonstrated: - -"Oh, don't call me Peters; call me Peet!" - -"Ah, but I don't know you well enough, Mr. Peters," said the young -lady, blushing as she playfully withdrew behind her fan. - - * * * * * - -Senator Tillman, of South Carolina, tells of a little girl whose -statements were always exaggerated until she became known in school -and Sunday-school as a "little liar." Her parents were dreadfully -worried about her, and made strenuous efforts to correct the bad -habit. One afternoon her mother overheard an argument with her -playmate. Willie Bangs, who seemed to finish the discussion by saying -emphatically: "I'm older than you, 'cause my birthday comes first, in -May, and yours don't come until September." - -"Oh, of course your birthday comes first," sneeringly answered little -Nellie; "but that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at -the angels when they were making you." - -"Come here, Nellie; come here instantly," cried her mother. "It is -breaking mother's heart," said she, "to hear you tell such awful -stories. Remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira, don't you?" - -"Oh, yes, mama, I know. They were struck dead for lying. I saw them -carried into the corner drugstore." - - * * * * * - -The relationship between Mr. Gladstone and his wife was one of the -most beautiful the world has known, and of all the millions who looked -up to him, she was his greatest admirer. On one occasion when Mrs. -Gladstone was entertaining visitors, conversation turned on the Bible, -and there was a lively argument on the meaning of a certain passage. - -Presently one of the callers, hoping to end the discussion, remarked -devoutly: - -"There is One alone who knows all." - -The cloud vanished from Mrs. Gladstone's face and she smiled sunnily -as she said: - -"Yes, and William will be down in a few minutes." - - * * * * * - -Mabel (testing the wisdom of the grown-ups).--"Well, how did Martin -Luther die?" - -Uncle Jim.--"Die? Oh, in the ordinary way, I suppose." - -Mabel.--"Oh, Uncle! you really don't know anything. He was -excommunicated by a bull." - - * * * * * - -Small Robbie was laboring over a drawing which was obviously of great -importance. - -His mother, who was sewing in the room, got up to see what he was -doing. - -"What is it you're drawing, dear?" she said, as she stood behind him. - -Robbie was embarrassed. Struggling to cover his nervousness, he -answered with an air of great nonchalance: - -"Oh, it's papa I'm drawing, but I don't care anything about it. Guess -I'll put a tail to it, and have it for a dog." - - * * * * * - -It is told of Charles Lamb, that one afternoon, returning from a -dinner-party, having taken a seat in a crowded omnibus, a stout -gentleman subsequently looked in, and politely asked, "All full -inside?" "I don't know how it may be with the _other_ passengers," -answered Lamb, "but that last piece of oyster-pie did the business for -_me_." - - * * * * * - -One of the ladies-in-waiting to the late Queen Victoria had a very -bright little daughter about four years old of whom the Queen was very -fond. - -The Queen invited the child to have lunch with her. - -Of course the mother was highly pleased, and charged the little girl -to be very careful about her table manners, and to be very polite and -careful before the Queen. - -The little girl came home in high glee, and the mother asked her all -about the luncheon. - -"Were you a very polite little girl? and did you remember to do all I -told you at the table?" asked the proud mama. - -"Oh, yes. I was polite," said the little one, "but the Queen wasn't." - -"The Queen wasn't!" said the mother. "Why, what did she do?" - -"She took her chicken bone up in her fingers, and I just shook my -finger at her like you did at me, and said, 'Piggy, piggy, piggy!'" - - * * * * * - -A young girl once asked Mark Twain if he liked books for Christmas -gifts. - -"Well, that depends," drawled the great humorist. "If a book has a -leather cover it is really valuable as a razor strop. If it is a -brief, concise work, such as the French write, it is useful to put -under the short leg of a wabbly table. An old-fashioned book with a -clasp can't be beat as a missile to hurl at a dog, and a large book -like a geography is as good as a piece of tin to nail over a broken -pane of glass." - - * * * * * - -One of the most candid tributes the late Edwin Booth ever received was -rendered to him on his last Southern tour by one who knew neither of -his presence nor of his identity in the play. Mr. Booth told the -story to his friend, Dr. John H. Girdner. - -"We opened our engagement in Atlanta, Ga., with 'Othello,'" said Mr. -Booth, "and I played Othello. After the performance my friend, Mr. -Malone, and I went to the Kimball House for some refreshment. The long -bar was so crowded that we had to go around the corner of it before we -could find a vacant space. While we were waiting to be served we -couldn't help hearing the conversation of two fine-looking old boys, -splendid old fellows with soft hats, flowing mustaches, and chin -tufts, black string ties and all the other paraphernalia. - -"'I didn't see you at the theater this evening, Cunnel,' said one. - -"'No,' replied the other. 'I didn't buy seats till this mawnin', and -the best we could get were six rows back in the balcony. I presume, -suh, you were in the orchestra.' - -"'Yes, Cunnel, I was in the orchestra,' said the first man. 'Madam and -the girls were with me. We all agreed that we nevuh attended a mo' -thrillin' play. The company was good, too, excellent company. And do -you know, Gunnel, in my opinion that d--d nigguh did about as well as -any of 'em!'" - - * * * * * - -A Southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George. George -received nearly all of the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had his -eyes on a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing out -fast enough to suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters -somewhat by rubbing grease on one knee. When the colonel saw the -spot, he called George and asked if he had noticed it. George said, -"Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticed dat spot and tried mighty hard to git it -out, but I couldn't." - -"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked. - -"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good." - -"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?" - -"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, but -dat spot wouldn't come out." - -"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a last -resort. - -"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll fit." - - * * * * * - -It was the first vaudeville performance the old colored lady had ever -seen, and she was particularly excited over the marvelous feats of the -magician. But when he covered a newspaper with a heavy flannel cloth -and read the print through it, she grew a little nervous. He then -doubled the cloth and again read the letters accurately. - -This was more than she could stand, and rising in her seat, she said: - -"I'm goin' home. This ain't no place for a lady in a thin calico -dress!" - - * * * * * - -At a certain railway junction the train divides, one portion going to -Edinburgh, the other to Glasgow. The guard put his head in at one of -the carriage windows and asked, "All here for Edinburgh?" All replied -in the affirmative except one old woman, who after the train had -started remarked with a smile, "I was just goin' to Glesca masel' but -I wasna goin' to tell yon inquisitive deevil." - - * * * * * - -A pompous Bishop of Oxford was once stopped on a London street by a -ragged urchin. - -"Well, my little man, what can I do for you?" inquired the churchman. -"The time o' day, please, your lordship." - -With considerable difficulty the portly Bishop extracted his watch. -"It is exactly half-past five, my lad." - -"Well," said the boy, setting his feet for a good start, "at 'alf-past -six you go to 'ell!" and he was off like a flash and around the -corner. The Bishop, flushed and furious, his watch dangling from its -chain, floundered wildly after him. But as he rounded the corner he -ran plump into the outstretched arms of the venerable Bishop of -London. - -"Oxford, Oxford," remonstrated that surprised dignitary, "why this -unseemly haste?" - -Puffing, blowing, spluttering, the outraged Bishop gasped out: "That -young ragamuffin--I told him it was half-past five--and--he--er--told -me to go to hell at half-past six." - -"Yes, yes," said the Bishop of London with a twinkle in his kindly old -eyes, "but why such haste? You've got almost an hour." - - * * * * * - -A lady entered a railway station not a hundred miles from Edinburgh -and said she wanted a ticket for London. The pale-looking clerk -asked: - -"Single?" - -"It ain't any of your business," she replied. "I might have been -married a dozen times if I'd felt like providin' for some poor -shiftless wreck of a man like you." - - * * * * * - -"M-my dear," said the muddled citizen, "I 'sure you I wouldn't been -s'late, but footpad stopped me." - -"And you were so scared your tongue clove to the roof of your mouth." - -"How'd you know that?" - -"I smell the clove." - - * * * * * - -A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one -night, but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the grasp -of a policeman. "Hold on," he cried, "you mustn't arrest me. I'm a -somnambulist." To which the policeman replied: "I don't care what your -religion is--yer can't walk the streets in yer nightshirt." - - * * * * * - -"I can't keep the visitors from coming up," said the office-boy -dejectedly to the editor. "When I say you're out they don't believe -me. They say they must see you." - -"Well," said the editor, "just tell them that's what they all say. I -don't care if you 'cheek' them, but I must have quietness." - -That afternoon there called at the office a lady. She wanted to see -the editor, and the boy assured her that it was impossible. - -"But I must see him!" she protested. "I'm his wife!" - -"That's what they all say," replied the boy. And forthwith a new boy -was wanted there. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Weedon Grossmith used to tell a good story about a play by Mr. -Robert Ganthony, which that gentleman asked him to read. Mr. Grossmith -took the comedy, but lost it on his way home. "Night after night," he -said, "I would meet Ganthony and he would ask me how I liked his play. -It was awful; the perspiration used to come out on my forehead as I'd -say sometimes, 'I haven't had time to look at it yet!' or again, 'The -first act was good, but I can't stop to explain,' etc., 'must catch a -train.' That play was the bane of my existence, and haunted me even in -my dreams." Some months passed, and Ganthony, a merry wag, still -pursued him without mercy. At last it occurred to Mr. Grossmith that -he might have left the comedy in the cab on the night it was given to -him. He inquired at Scotland Yard. - -"Oh! yes," was the reply. "Play marked with Mr. Ganthony's name, sent -back to owner four months ago, as soon as found." - - * * * * * - -Some years ago when Head Consul Book, of the Western Jurisdiction, -Woodmen of the World, was traveling through the South, the train -stopped for some time in a small town, and Mr. Book alighted to make a -purchase. The storekeeper could not make the correct change for the -bill which was presented, so Mr. Book started in search of some one -who could. - -Sitting beside the door, whittling a stick, was an old darky. - -"Uncle," said Mr. Book, "can you change a ten-dollar bill?" The old -fellow looked up in surprise; then he touched his cap, and replied: -"'Deed, an' Ah can't, boss, but Ah' 'preciates de honah, jest de -same." - - * * * * * - -A gentleman riding with an Irishman came within sight of an old -gallows and, to display his wit, said: - -"Pat, do you see that?" - -"To be sure Oi do," replied Pat. - -"And where would you be to-day if the gallows had its due?" - -"Oi'd be riding alone," replied Pat. - - * * * * * - -Jerry O'Rafferty came from the north of Ireland. During all his life -there and later in Chicago he had never been inside a Catholic Church. - -He was something of a scoffer at religious ceremonies, although he -knew little about them. His good friend, Michael O'Brien, was troubled -at this, and always used his influence to get Jerry into the church. -At last he was successful. Jerry grudgingly consented to go to church -Easter Sunday because of the importance of the occasion. - -The two sat together, Jerry an interested spectator, while Mike -entered into the services like the devout man he was. - -Jerry was soon evidently impressed by the splendor of his -surroundings and the grandeur of the services. He watched the lighting -of the candles and listened attentively to the glorious burst of -Easter music. Then he could refrain from commenting no longer. - -"Mike," he whispered, leaning over to his companion, "this bates -h--l." - -"Whist," replied Mike, in a loud whisper, "sich is the intintion." - - * * * * * - -Bishop Wilmer of Alabama, famous as a story-teller, told of one of his -friends who had lost a dearly beloved wife and, in his sorrow, caused -these words to be inscribed on her tombstone: "The light of mine eyes -has gone out." The bereaved married within a year. Shortly afterward -the Bishop was walking through the graveyard with another gentleman. -When they arrived at the tomb, the latter asked the Bishop what he -would say of the present state of affairs, in view of the words on the -tombstone. "I think," said the Bishop, "the words 'But I have struck -another match' should be added." - - * * * * * - -A man of letters who visited Washington recently appeared at but one -dinner-party during his stay. Then he sat next to the daughter of a -noted naval officer. Her vocabulary is of a kind peculiar to very -young girls, but she rattled away at the famous man without a moment's -respite. It was during a pause in the general conversation that she -said to him: "I'm awfully stuck on Shakespeare. Don't you think he's -terribly interesting?" Everybody listened to hear the great man's -brilliant reply, for as a Shakespearian scholar he has few peers. -"Yes," he said, solemnly, "I do think he is interesting. I think he is -more than that. I think Shakespeare is just simply too cute for -anything." - - * * * * * - -A well-known Scotch professor was occasionally called up to Balmoral -to attend the late Queen Victoria, and was extremely proud of the -honor. One day a notice appeared in the university which stated that -Professor ---- could not attend his classes that day as he had been -called up to Balmoral to see the Queen. A waggish student who saw the -notice wrote underneath it, "God save the Queen." - - * * * * * - -"The other day," said a man passenger in a street-car, "I saw a woman -in a street-car open a satchel and take out a purse, close the satchel -and open the purse, take out a dime and close the purse, open the -satchel and put in the purse. Then she gave the dime to the conductor -and took a nickel in exchange. Then she opened the satchel and took -out the purse, closed the satchel and opened the purse, put in the -nickel and closed the purse, opened the satchel and put in the purse, -closed the satchel and locked both ends. Then she felt to see if her -back hair was all right, and it was all right, and she was all right. -That was a woman." - - * * * * * - -As a couple of callers were in the parlor of a friend who is a firm -Christian Scientist, the voice of five-year-old Florence could be -heard from an upper room, fretting. Upon their inquiries about her -the mother replied simply she was suffering from a "belief" in a boil. - -One of the visitors was a rather grim great-aunt of the family who -possesses a most lively scorn of Mrs. Eddy's so-called science as well -as a deep-rooted affection for little Florence. She immediately -demanded what had been applied for her relief and as naturally the -answer was, "Nothing." She assumed her most decided expression, drew -off her gloves and started upstairs. - -"Aunt Molly, what are you going to do? I must repeat it is only a -belief in a boil," expostulated the mother. - -"Very well," retorted Aunt Molly, continuing her march upstairs, "I am -merely going to put on a dream of a poultice." - -And she did. - - * * * * * - -Mistress--"Did the fisherman who stopped here this morning have frog's -legs?" - -Nora--"Sure, mum, I dinnaw. He wore pants." - - * * * * * - -When the thermometer dropped below zero Mrs. Rogers was much disturbed -by the thought that Huldah, the new kitchen maid, slept in an unheated -room. - -"Huldah," she said, remembering the good old custom of her girlhood, -"it's going to be pretty cold to-night. I think you had better take a -flatiron to bed with you." - -"Yes, ma'am," assented Huldah without enthusiasm. - -Mrs. Rogers, happy in the belief that her maid was comfortable, slept -soundly. In the morning she visited the kitchen. - -"Well, Huldah, how did you get along with the flatiron?" - -Huldah breathed a deep sigh of recollection. - -"Vell, ma'am, I got it 'most warm before morning." - - * * * * * - -Many children are so crammed with everything that they really know -nothing. - -In proof of this, read these veritable specimens of definitions, -written by public-school children: - -"Stability is taking care of a stable." - -"A mosquito is the child of black and white parents." - -"Monastery is the place for monsters." - -"Tocsin is something to do with getting drunk." - -"Expostulation is to have the smallpox." - -"Cannibal is two brothers who killed each other in the Bible." - -"Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the head, -the chist, and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and brains, if -any. The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver. The -stummick is devoted to the bowels, of which there are five, a, e, i, -o, u, and sometimes w and y." - - * * * * * - -Little Polly, coming in from her walk one morning, informed her mother -that she had seen a lion in the park. No amount of persuasion or -reasoning could make her vary her statement one hairbreadth. That -night, when she slipped down on her knees to say her prayers, her -mother said, "Polly, ask God to forgive you for that fib." - -Polly hid her face for a moment. Then she looked straight into her -mother's eyes, her own eyes shining like stars, and said, "I did ask -him, mama, dearest, and he said, 'Don't mention it, Miss Polly; that -big yellow dog has often fooled me.'" - - * * * * * - -"Boohoo! Boohoo!" wailed little Johnny. - -"Why, what's the matter, dear?" his mother asked comfortingly. - -"Boohoo--er--p-picture fell on papa's toes." - -"Well, dear, that's too bad, but you mustn't cry about it, you know." - -"I d-d-didn't. I l-laughed. Boohoo! Boohoo!" - - * * * * * - -Two candidates for office in Missouri were stumping the northern part -of the State. In one town their appearance was almost simultaneous. -The candidate last arriving stopped at a house for a drink of water. -To the little girl who answered his knock at the door he said--when -she had given him the desired drink and he had offered her some candy -in recompense: - -"Did the man ahead of me give you anything?" - -"Oh, yes," replied the girl. "He gave me candy." - -"Ah!" exclaimed the candidate. "Here's five cents for you. I don't -suppose that _he_ gave you any money?" - -The youngster laughed. "Yes, he did, too! He gave me ten cents!" - -Not to be outdone, the candidate gave the little one another nickel -and picking her up in his arms, kissed her. - -"Did he kiss you, too?" he asked genially. - -"Yes, he did, sir," responded the little girl, "and he kissed ma, -too." - - * * * * * - -The owner of a dry-goods store heard a new clerk say to a customer, -"No, madam, we have not had any for a long time." - -With a fierce glance at the clerk the smart employer rushed up to the -woman and said: "We have plenty of everything in reserve ma'am; plenty -upstairs." - -The customer and the clerk looked dazed. Then the proprietor, seeing -that something was wrong, said to the customer: "Excuse me, what did -you ask for?" - -The woman simply replied, "Why, I said to your clerk that we hadn't -had any rain lately." - - * * * * * - -Senator W. A. Clark detests nothing more than to be interrupted when -busy. One day he was in his office engaged in a business conversation -when a petite woman, carrying a black bag, entered. With a compelling -smile and an insinuating manner she approached the surly millionaire. -Utterly insensible to his repellent mood and indifferent to his abrupt -manner she drew from the depths of a bag a handsomely bound volume, -the merits and beauty of which she began eloquently to descant upon. - -Failing to embarrass her with arctic frigidity and impatient at her -persistency under rebuffs all but vulgar, he turned suddenly upon the -chattering woman and asked: - -"Madam, do you know what my time is worth?" - -She confessed it was a conundrum. - -"Well," he said, petulantly, "it's worth $30 an hour!" - -He turned away with the air of one who had settled the matter -definitely beyond any further controversy. But he didn't know the -woman. - -"Oh, I'm so grateful to you, Mr. Clark," she replied, with a tone of -pathos in her voice. "Thirty dollars an hour, did you say?" - -"Yes; that's what I said, and it's cheap at that," and he smiled -cynically. - -"Oh, I know it's dirt cheap," she chirped with winsome blitheness. "I -am so glad you told me"--rummaging in her reticule, from which she -quickly flashed out a purse gorged with currency. Moving near to the -astonished millionaire, who now regarded her movements with unfeigned -curiosity, she counted two bills, a ten and a five, off the roll. -These she pushed along the top of the sloping desk toward him and -said: "Yes, I'm glad you told me, because I hadn't expected to get it -so cheap. There is $15. Now, I want a half hour of your uninterrupted -attention while I talk to you about this book." - -Clark pushed the money back and subscribed and paid for two copies of -the book. - - * * * * * - -The following bit from a letter of thanks is cherished by its -recipient: "The beautiful clock you sent us came in perfect -condition, and is now in the parlor on top of the book-shelves, where -we hope to see you soon, and your husband, also, if he can make it -convenient." - - * * * * * - -Tourist (in French restaurant)--"This is awful! I've ordered three -dishes from this menu and they are all potatoes!" - - * * * * * - -"Mistah Brown," said the old colored woman, coming into the -cross-roads store, "you ain't got no spool-cotton number thirty, is -you?" - -"Why, aunt Sally, I didn't say I didn't have it, did I?" - -"You go long, Mistah Brown. I didn't ax you 'aint you got it?' I axed -you 'is you'?--ain't you?" - - * * * * * - -An old "befo-de-wah" darky was called upon to make a few remarks over -the grave of a friend. He removed his hat and stepped reverently and -sadly toward the open grave and in solemn funereal tones said: "Friday -Vizer, you is gone. We hope you is gone whar we spects you ain't!" - - * * * * * - -A New Yorker who does his bit of "globe trotting" tells of two odd -entries that he saw in the visitors' book of a fashionable resort on -the Rhine. - -A few years ago one of the Paris members of the Rothschild family had -registered as follows: - -"R. de Paris." - -It chanced that the next visitor to inscribe his name in the book was -Baron Oppenheim, the banker of Cologne, and he wrote beneath -Rothschild's: - -"O. de Cologne." - - * * * * * - -The Stranger--"And who are the Murphys' ancestors?" - -Mr. M.--"Ancestors? What's that?" - -The Stranger--"I mean who do the Murphys spring from?" - -Mr. M.--"The Murphys spring from no one. They spring _at_ thim!" - - * * * * * - -At a wedding-feast recently the bridegroom was called upon, as usual, -to respond to the given toast, in spite of the fact that he had -previously pleaded to be excused. Blushing to the roots of his hair, -he rose to his feet. He intended to imply that he was unprepared for -speechmaking, but he unfortunately placed his hand upon his bride's -shoulder, and looked down at her as he stammered out his opening and -concluding words: - -"This--er--thing has been forced upon me." - - * * * * * - -Very much excited and out of breath, a young man who could not have -been married very long rushed up to an attendant at one of the city -hospitals and inquired after Mrs. Brown, explaining between breaths -that it was his wife whom he felt anxious about. - -The attendant looked at the register and replied that there was no -Mrs. Brown in the hospital. - -"My God! Don't keep me waiting in this manner," said the excited young -man. "I must know how she is." - -"Well, she isn't here," again said the attendant. - -"She must be," broke in the visitor, "for here is a note I found on -the kitchen-table when I came home from work." - -The note read: - -"_Dear Jack_--Have gone to have my kimono cut out. ANNIE." - - * * * * * - -While an Irishman was gazing in the window of a Washington bookstore -the following sign caught his eye: - - DICKENS' WORKS - ALL THIS WEEK FOR - ONLY $4.00. - -"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!" - - * * * * * - -A dear old New England spinster, the embodiment of the timid and -shrinking, passed away at Carlsbad, where she had gone for her health. -Her nearest kinsman, a nephew, ordered her body sent back to be -buried--as was her last wish--in the quiet little country churchyard. -His surprise can be imagined, when on opening the casket, he beheld, -instead of the placid features of his aunt Mary, the majestic port of -an English General in full regimentals, whom he remembered had chanced -to die at the same time and place as his aunt. - -At once he cabled to the General's heirs explaining the situation and -requesting instructions. - -They came back as follows: "Give the General quiet funeral. Aunt Mary -interred to-day with full military honors, six brass bands, saluting -guns." - - * * * * * - -Early in the morning session, when the pupils were feeling bright and -happy, the teacher thought it a good plan to give them sentences to -correct, both as to grammar and sense. She accordingly wrote on the -blackboard: "The hen has four legs. He done it." Thoughtful little -Ignatius, at the foot of the class, pondered deeply, and at the end of -the fifteen minutes' time allowed for correction he wrote: "_He_ -didn't done it: God done it." - - * * * * * - -The late John Stetson, famous in his day as a theatrical manager, was -having a yacht built, and a friend, meeting him on the street, asked -him what he was going to name the boat. "I haven't decided yet," -replied John, "but it will be some name commencing with S, probably -either 'Psyche' or 'Cinch.'" - - * * * * * - -A clergyman was on board a steamer which was caught in a severe gale. -The rolling was constant and seemed to get worse as time went on. At -last the good man got thoroughly frightened. He believed they were -destined for a watery grave, so he went to the captain and asked if he -might have prayers. The captain took him by the arm and led him to the -forecastle, where the tars were singing and swearing. "There," said -he, "when you hear the men swearing you may know there is no danger." -The clergyman went back feeling better, but still the storm increased -and his alarm also. Disconsolate, he managed to stagger to the -forecastle again, where he heard the sailors swearing as hard as ever. -"Mary," he said to his sympathetic wife as he crawled back to his -berth, "Mary, thank God, they're swearing yet." - - * * * * * - -"Hawaiian servants," said a woman with some experience of them, "are -the best in the world, but they are strangely unsophisticated, -strangely naive. They insist on calling you by your first name. Ours -were always saying to my husband, 'Yes, John,' or 'all right, John,' -and to me 'very well, Ann,' or 'Ann, I am going out.' At last I got -tired of this and to John, when we got a new cook, I said: Don't ever -call me by my first name in the cook's presence. Then, perhaps, not -knowing my name, he'll have to say 'Mrs.' to me. So John was careful -to address me as 'dearie,' or 'sweetheart,' the watchful chap gave me -no title at all. One day we had some English officers to dine. I told -them how I had overcome, in my new cook's case, the native servants' -abuse of their employer's Christian names, and I said, By this -servant, at least, you won't hear me called 'Ann.'" Just then the new -cook entered the room. He bowed to me respectfully and said: - -"'Sweetheart, dinner is served!' - -"'What?' I stammered. - -"'Dinner is served, dearie!' answered the cook." - - * * * * * - -Early one morning, on the second day out, a terribly seasick -passenger, pale and hollow-eyed, came out of his stateroom and ran -into a lady, who was coming along the passageway, clad in the -scantiest raiment. She screamed and started to run. "Don't be -alarmed," groaned the man. "Don't be alarmed, madam; I shall never -live to tell it." - - * * * * * - -Mike and Pat worked for a wealthy farmer. They planned to turn -burglars and steal the money which the farmer had hid in one of the -rooms of his house. They waited until midnight, then started to do the -job. - -In order to get the money they had to pass the farmer's bedroom. Mike -said, "I'll go first, and if it's all right you can follow and do just -the same as I." - -Mike started to pass the room. Just as he got opposite the door the -floor creaked. This awoke the farmer, who called out, "Who's there?" - -Mike answered with a "meaow!" (imitating a cat). The farmer's wife -being awake, too, said, "Oh, John, it's the cat," and all was quiet. - -Now Pat started to pass the door, and as he got opposite it the floor -creaked again. The farmer called out again, louder than before, "Who's -there?" - -Pat answered, "Another cat." - - * * * * * - -Softleigh--"Good evening, Mrs. Moran. I came to see if your daughter, -Miss Mabel, would go for a walk with me." - -Miss Mabel--"How do you do, Mr. Softleigh? I shall be delighted. -Mama, do I look fit to go to a restaurant?" - - * * * * * - -They were on their honeymoon. He had bought a catboat and had taken -her out to show her how well he could handle a boat, putting her to -tend the sheet. A puff of wind came, and he shouted in no uncertain -tones, "Let go the sheet." No response. Then again, "Let go that -sheet, quick." Still no movement. A few minutes later, when both were -clinging to the bottom of the overturned boat, he said: - -"Why didn't you let go that sheet when I told you to, dear?" - -"I would have," said the bride, "if you had not been so rough about -it. You ought to speak more kindly to your wife." - - * * * * * - -Madam--"Put plenty of nuts in the cake." - -Cook--"I'll crack no more nuts to-day, me jaw hurts me already." - - * * * * * - -Mother--"Alice, it is bedtime. All the little chickens have gone to -bed." - -Alice--"Yes, mama, and so has the hen." - - * * * * * - -Few men have ever been so ready and witty as Mark Twain in introducing -others to public audiences. At Hartford, December 12, 1877, he -presented Mr. Howells, and, after a word or two as to his literary -work, said, "But I am not here to speak of his literary reputation, -but simply to (a long pause) back up his moral character." - - * * * * * - -A Lancashire vicar was asked by the choir to call upon old Betty, who -was deaf, but who insisted in joining in the solo of the anthem, and -to ask her only to sing in the hymns. He shouted into her ear: "Betty! -I've been requested to speak to you about your singing." At last she -caught the word "singing," and replied: "Not to me be the praise, sir; -it's a gift." - - * * * * * - -The proprietor of a large drug store recently received this curt and -haughty note written in an angular, feminine hand: "I do not want -vasioline, but glisserine. Is that plain enough? I persoom you can -spell." - - * * * * * - -It was in a Maine Sunday-school that a teacher recently asked a -Chinese pupil she was teaching to read if he understood the meaning of -the words "an old cow." - -"Been cow a long time," was the prompt answer. - - * * * * * - -Upon moving into a new neighborhood the small boy of the family was -cautioned not to fight with his new acquaintances. One day Willie came -home with a black eye and very much spattered with dirt. - -"Why, Willie," said mama, "I thought I told you to count a hundred -before you fought!" - -"I did, mama," said Willie, "and look what Tommy Smith did while I was -counting!" - - * * * * * - -"The rolling stone gathers no moss," quoted the man who had never been -outside his home county. - -"True," rejoined the globe-trotter, "but it acquires an enviable -polish." - - * * * * * - -Curate (who is going to describe his little holiday in Lucerne)--"My -dear friends--I will not call you ladies and gentlemen, since I know -you too well." - - * * * * * - -Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun -extempore. - -"Upon what subject?" said Daniel. - -"The king," answered the other. - -"Oh! sir," said he "the king is no subject." - - * * * * * - -Illustrative of "that troublesome Henglish haitch" an American -traveler relates the following: - -Once I dined with an English farmer. We had ham--very delicious baked -ham. The farmer's son soon finished his portion and passed his plate -again. - -"More 'am, father," he said. - -The farmer frowned. - -"Don't say 'am, son. Say _'am_." - -"I did say 'am," the lad protested in an injured tone. - -"You said _'am_," cried the father fiercely. "'Am's what it should be. -'Am, not _'am_." - -In the middle of the squabble the farmer's wife turned to me and, with -a deprecatory little laugh, explained: - -"They both think they're sayin' 'am, sir." - - * * * * * - -Passing along Princes Street, Edinburgh, one day a herculean Scots -Grey stopped at the post-office and called on a street arab to polish -his boots. The feet of the dragoon were in proportion to his height -and, looking at the tremendous boots before him, the arab knelt down -on the pavement and shouted out to his chum across the road, "Jamie, -come ower an' gie's a hand, I've got an army contract." - - * * * * * - -The younger man had been complaining that he could not get his wife to -mend his clothes. - -"I asked her to sew a button on this vest last night, and she hasn't -touched it," he said. At this the older man assumed the air of a -patriarch. - -"Never ask a woman to mend anything," he said. "You haven't been -married very long, and I think I can give you some serviceable -suggestions. When I want a shirt mended I take it to my wife, flourish -it around a little and say, 'Where's that rag-bag?' - -"'What do you want of the rag-bag?' asks my wife. Her suspicions are -roused at once. - -"'I want to throw this shirt away; it's worn out,' I say, with a few -more flourishes. - -"'Let me see that shirt,' my wife says then. 'Now, John, hand it to me -at once.' - -"Of course, I pass it over, and she examines it. 'Why, John Taylor,' -she is sure to say, 'I never knew such extravagance! This is a -perfectly good shirt. All it needs is----' And then she mends it." - - * * * * * - -A browbeating counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a -certain place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the -reply. "How come you to be so exact, my friend?" "I expected some fool -or other would ask me, so I measured it." - - * * * * * - -"Now, see here, porter," said the drummer briskly, "I want you to put -me off at Syracuse. You know we get in there about six o'clock in the -morning, and I may over-sleep myself. But it is important that I -should get out. Here's a five-dollar gold piece. Now, I may wake up -hard. Don't mind if I kick. Pay no attention if I'm ugly. I want you -to put me off the train no matter how hard I fight. Understand?" - -"Yes, sah," answered the sturdy Nubian. "It shall be did, sah!" - -The next morning the coin-giver was awakened by a stentorian voice -calling: "Rochester!" - -"Rochester!" he exclaimed, sitting up. "Where's that porter?" - -Hastily slipping on his trousers, he went in search of the negro, and -found him in the porter's closet, huddled up, with his head in a -bandage, his clothes torn, and his arm in a sling. - -"Well," said the drummer, "you are a sight. Why didn't you put me off -at Syracuse?" - -"Wha-at!" gasped the porter, jumping up, as his eyes bulged from his -head. "Was you de gemman dat give me a five-dollah gold piece?" - -"Of course I was, you idiot!" - -"Well, den, befoah de Lawd, who was dat gemman I put off at Syracuse?" - - * * * * * - -A right reverend prelate, himself a man of extreme good-nature, was -frequently much vexed in spirit by the proud, froward, perverse, and -untractable temper of his next vicar. The latter, after an absence -much longer than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop, who kindly -inquired the cause of his absence, and was answered by the vicar that -he had been confined to his house for some time past by an obstinate -stiffness in his knee. "I am glad of that," replied the prelate; "'tis -a good symptom that the disorder has changed place, for I had a long -time thought it immovably settled in your neck." - - * * * * * - -Bride--"George, dear, when we reach our destination let us try to -avoid giving the impression that we are newly married." - -George--"All right, Maud; you can carry the suitcase and umbrellas." - - * * * * * - -Francis Wilson was speaking at the Players Club of New York City, not -long ago, of the all too prevalent ignorance of dramatic literature in -the country to-day. - -"Why," said Mr. Wilson, "a company was playing 'She Stoops to -Conquer' in a small Western town last winter when a man without any -money, wishing to see the show, stepped up to the box office and said: - -"'Pass me in, please.' - -"The box office man gave a loud, harsh laugh. - -"'Pass you in? What for?' he asked. - -"The applicant drew himself up and answered, haughtily: 'What for? -Why, because I am Oliver Goldsmith, author of the play.' - -"'Oh, I beg your pardon, sir,' replied the other in a meek voice, as -he hurriedly wrote an order for a box." - - * * * * * - -Lady Bountiful--"All I can say is, Jenkins, that if these people -insist on building these horrid little villas near my gates, I shall -leave the place." - -Jenkins--"Exactly what I told them at the meeting, your ladyship. I -said, 'Do you want to drive away the goose that lays the golden -eggs?'" - - * * * * * - -Old Lady (to conductor--her first drive on an electric tram).--"Would -it be dangerous, conductor, if I was to put my foot on the rail?" - -Conductor (an Edison manqu).--"No, mum, not unless you was to put the -other one on the overhead wire!" - - * * * * * - -After a few weeks at boarding-school Alice wrote home as follows: - -"_Dear Father_--Though I was homesick at first, now that I am getting -acquainted, I like the school very much. Last evening Grayce and -Kathryn (my roommates) and I had a nice little chafing-dish party, -and we invited three other girls, Mayme and Carrye Miller and Edyth -Kent. I hope you are all well at home. I can't write any more now for -I have a lot of studying to do. With lots of love to all. - - "Your affectionate daughter, - - "ALYSS." - -To this she received the following reply: - -"_My dear Daughter Alyss_--I was glad to receive your letter and to -know that you are enjoying yourself. Uncle Jaymes came the other day, -bringing Charls and Albyrt with him. Your brother Henrie was -delighted, for he has been lonely without you. I have bought a new -gray horse whose name is Byllye. He matches nicely with old Fredde. -With much love from us all, I am, - - "Your affectionate father, - - "WYLLYAM JONES." - -The next letter from the absent daughter was signed "Alice." - - * * * * * - -While Chauncey M. Depew was at the Omaha Exposition, he and President -Callaway of the New York Central chanced to go into a booth on the -Midway Plaisance. - -It was a tame entertainment and there was only a meager attendance -when Mr. Depew and Mr. Callaway entered. Their stay would have been -very brief except for the fact that they had scarcely taken their -seats before there began a steady inpouring of people, which continued -until the small auditorium was crowded. - -Taking this extraordinary increase of spectators as an indication that -something of an interesting nature was about to be disclosed, the two -New Yorkers concluded to sit it out. Half an hour's waiting failed to -reward their patient expectancy, however, and Mr. Callaway suggested -that they move on. - -Just then ex-Secretary of Agriculture J. Sterling Morton pushed his -way through the crowd, and, extending his hand to Mr. Depew, -exclaimed: - -"Well, Doctor Depew, so you are really here! I thought that 'barker' -was lying." - -"What do you mean?" inquired Mr. Depew. - -"Why, the 'barker' for this show is standing outside and inviting the -crowd to 'step up lively' and pay ten cents for the privilege of -seeing the 'great and only Chauncey M. Depew.'" - - * * * * * - -That the royal road to learning is full of strange pitfalls is -shown by some of the definitions and statements given by -school-children--some of whom are well along the way. The following -are _bona fide_ samples coming under the knowledge of one teacher: - -"About this time Columbus was cursing around among the West Indies." - -"Jackson's campaign in the Valley was the greatest piece of -millinery-work ever known." - -"The Valkyrie were the Choosers of the Slain, and the Valhalla the -Haulers of the Slain." - -"The eldest son of the King of France is called The Dolphin." - -"The Duke of Clarence, according to his usual custom, was killed in -battle." - -"Heathen are paragons (pagans) that wash up idle things." - -"The Indians call their women squabs." - - * * * * * - -A certain curate in the course of conversation at a dinner party some -time ago remarked to a friend, "I had a curious dream last night, but -as it was about my vicar I hardly like to tell it." On being pressed, -however, he began: "I dreamt I was dead and was on my way to Heaven, -which was reached by a very long ladder. At the foot I was met by an -angel, who pressed a piece of chalk into my hand and said, 'If you -climb long enough you will reach Heaven, but for every sin you are -conscious of having committed you must mark a rung of the ladder with -the chalk as you go up.' I took the chalk and started. I had climbed -up very, very far and was feeling very tired when I suddenly met my -vicar coming down. 'Hullo!' I said, 'what are you going down for?' -'More chalk.'" - - * * * * * - -Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had -helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married. - -"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after -her marriage. - -"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered. - -"And is your husband a good provider?" - -"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic reply. -"Why, jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at." - - * * * * * - -A certain curate was of a painfully nervous temperament, and in -consequence was constantly making awkward remarks--intended as -compliments--to the bishop and others. Having distinguished himself in -an unusual degree during a gathering of clergy to an afternoon tea at -the bishop's palace, he was taken to task for his failings by a senior -curate, who was one of his companions on the way home. - -"Look here, Bruce," said the senior decidedly, "you are a donkey! Why -can not you keep quiet, instead of making your asinine remarks? I am -speaking to you now as a brother----" - -Loud laughter interrupted him at this point, and for the moment he -wondered why. - - * * * * * - -An earnest clergyman one Sunday morning was exhorting those who had -anxious and troubled consciences to be sure and call on their pastor -for guidance and prayer. - -"To show you, my brethren, the blessed results of these visits with -your pastor," said he, "I will state to you that only yesterday a -gentleman of wealth called upon me for counsel and instruction; and -now to-day, my friends--to-day he sits among us, not only a Christian, -but a happy husband and father." - -A young lady in the audience whispered to a matron: "Wasn't that -pretty quick work?" - - * * * * * - -A good story is told of the late George Augustus Sala in his early and -impecunious days. At some festive gathering where Mr. Sala was -present, Mr. Attemborough, the famous pawnbroker, was also a guest. -They recognized each other, and shook hands. - -"How do you do, Mr. Attemborough," said the journalist. "We have met -often before, but I think this is the first time I have ever seen your -legs." - - * * * * * - -A clergyman in the West Country had two curates, one a comparatively -old man, the other very young. With the former he had not been able to -work agreeably; and on being invited to another living, he accepted -it, and took the young curate with him. Naturally, there was a -farewell sermon; and we can imagine the feelings of the curate who was -to be left behind when he heard the text given out, "Abide ye here -with the ass, and I and the lad will go yonder and worship." - - * * * * * - -A bishop was staying with a friend in a country house. On Sunday -morning as he passed through the library he found a small boy curled -up in a big chair, deeply interested in a book. - -"Are you going to church, Tom?" he asked. - -"No, sir," he replied. - -"Why, I am," said the Bishop. - -"Huh," said the boy, "you've got to go. It's your job." - - * * * * * - -A celebrated continental specialist to whom time was literally money -and who was possessed of a fiery temper made it a rule that all -patients should undress before entering his consulting room so as not -to waste any of his valuable time. One day a meek-looking little man -entered with all his clothes on. "What do you mean by coming in like -that?" said the doctor in a rage. "Go and strip at once!" "But I--" -faltered the man. "I tell you I've no time to waste," yelled the -doctor, and the poor man left the room in haste. When his turn came he -reentered the room. "Now then," said the doctor, "that's better. What -can I do for you?" "I called to collect your subscription for the -benevolent society." - - * * * * * - -A tall man, impatiently pacing the platform of a wayside station, -accosted a red-haired boy of about twelve. - -"S-s-say," he said, "d-d-do y-you know ha-ha-how late this train is?" - -The boy grinned but made no reply. The man stuttered out something -about red-headed kids in general and passed into the station. - -A stranger, overhearing the one-sided conversation, asked the boy why -he hadn't answered the big man. - -"D-d-d'ye wanter see me g-g-get me fa-fa-face punched?" stammered the -boy. "D-d-dat big g-g-guy'd tink I was mo-mo-mocking him." - - * * * * * - -"Mother," said a college student who had brought his chum home for the -holidays, "permit me to present my friend, Mr. Specknoodle." - -His mother, who was a little hard of hearing, placed her hand to her -ear. - -"I'm sorry, George, but I didn't quite catch your friend's name. -You'll have to speak a little louder, I'm afraid." - -"I say, mother," shouted George, "I want to present my friend Mr. -_Specknoodle_." - -"I'm sorry, George, but Mr. ---- What was the name again?" - -"MR. SPECKNOODLE!" George fairly yelled. - -The old lady shook her head sadly. - -"I'm sorry, George, but I'm afraid it's no use. It sounds just like -Specknoodle to me." - - * * * * * - -A young American lady on a visit to London was being shown some of the -sights by a boastful Englishman. "This is a cannon captured at Bunker -Hill," said the Englishman. "How interesting," exclaimed the lady. "I -must explain," said the gentleman tauntingly, "that this cannon was -captured from the Americans by the English." The lady quietly -retorted, "Well, you have the cannon; we have the hill." - - * * * * * - -Former Congressman Fred Landis of Indiana has made a reputation for -himself as an orator. A year or so ago Landis, speaking at the -unveiling of a monument to President Lincoln, uttered the phrase, -"Abraham Lincoln--that mystic mingling of star and clod." This was -loudly applauded. After the speech a friend of Landis approached him, -and, repeating the phrase, said: "Fred, what in the name of heaven -does that mean?" Putting his arm around his friend's shoulder, Landis -replied: "I don't know, really, but it gets 'em every time." - - * * * * * - -Captain Foretopp tells a story of a certain noted divine who was on -his steamer when a great gale overtook them off the Oregon coast. "It -looks pretty bad," said the Bishop to the Captain. "Couldn't be much -worse, Bishop," replied Foretopp. - -Half an hour later the steamer was diving under the waves as if she -were a submarine and leaking like an old door. "Looks worse, I think, -Captain," said the Bishop. "We must trust in Providence now, Bishop," -answered Foretopp. - -"Oh, I hope it has not come to that," gasped the Bishop. - - * * * * * - -A couple of New Yorkers were playing golf on a New Jersey course on -Election Day when they saw a fine-appearing old gentleman looking at -them wistfully. They asked him to join the game, which he did with -alacrity. He was mild in speech and manner and played well. But once -when he had made a foozle he ejaculated vehemently the word: "Croton!" -A few minutes later when he made another bad play, he repeated: -"Croton!" The third time he said it, one of his new-made friends said: -"I don't want to be inquisitive, but will you tell me why you say -'Croton' so often?" "Well," said the old gentleman, "isn't that the -biggest dam near New York?" He was a Presbyterian clergyman from -Brooklyn. - - * * * * * - -Willie, aged five, was taken by his father to his first football game. -The feature that caught his chief approval, however, did not become -evident until he said his prayers that night. To the horror of his -parents Willie prayed with true football snap: - - "God bless papa, - God bless mama, - God bless Willie; - Rah! Rah! Rah!" - - * * * * * - -A suburban minister during his discourse one Sabbath morning said: "In -each blade of grass there is a sermon." The following day one of his -flock discovered the good man pushing a lawn mower about his garden -and paused to say: "Well, parson, I'm glad to see you engaged in -cutting your sermons short." - - * * * * * - -"Now, Bobby," instructed the Fond Maternal Parent of the prodigy in -velveteens, bound for a children's party, "the weather looks rather -threatening. Here is half a dollar for you, and if it rains come back -by cab." - -Two hours later it came down cats and dogs, and F. M. P. (Fond -Maternal Parent) returned devout thanks for her forethought. - -But when little Bobby Velveteens returned he was wet to the skin. - -"Why, Bobby," cried the F. M. P., "didn't you come back by cab, as I -told you?" - -"Oh, yes, ma!" answered Bobby. "And it was simply splendid! I rode on -the box beside the driver!" - - * * * * * - -A Bishop of the Episcopal Church lived all his life unwed. A friend -mentioned that one of the States was imposing a tax on bachelors, to -be increased a certain percentage every ten years of bachelorhood, and -added: "Why, Bishop, at your age you would have to pay a hundred -dollars a year." - -"Well," said the Bishop quietly, "it's worth it." - - * * * * * - -Two old women, on their way home from church, in a country district of -Scotland, were speaking of Napoleon's overthrow, by the allied troops -at Waterloo. The minister had been pointing a moral by aid of the -Corsican hero's defeat. - -"Hoo is it," said one, in her narrow way, "the Scotch aye win their -battles?" - -"Weel, ye ken, it's because they aye pray afore they go in the fecht," -replied the other. - -"Ay! But mercy, wuman, canna the French pray, as weel?" - -"Nae doobt, they dae; but wha could understan' they jabberin' bodies?" -snapped the interrogated one, in peremptory answer. - - * * * * * - -Curiously worded advertisements that are funny without intent are -common in the London papers. Here are a few examples: - -"A boy wanted who can open oysters with references." - -"Bulldog for sale; will eat anything, very fond of children." - -"Wanted an organist and a boy to blow the same." - -"Wanted, a boy to be partly outside and partly inside the counter." - -"Lost, near Highgate Archway, an umbrella belonging to a gentleman -with a bent rib and a bone handle." - -"To be disposed of, a mail phaeton, the property of a gentleman with a -movable headpiece as good as new." - - * * * * * - -A tall young man stalked with stately stride into the office of a -small hotel in a remote part of the White Mountains. Behind him came a -severe valet carrying bags and a gun-case, and on a wagon at the door -were two prosperous trunks. In an armchair behind the hotel counter -sat a spare old man placidly chewing tobacco and reading the "Weekly -Recorder." - -"Ah-h-h! Hm!" the tall young man began. "Is this Mr. Silas P. Meacham, -proprietor of this hotel?" - -"Yaas," replied the old one, glancing up over his paper. - -"I am Mr. Hanningford Wattster van Derventer, of the Metropolis Club, -of New York," said the visitor, impressively. "My friend, Mr. -Vandergilt, told me you would take excellent care of me here." - -"Ya-as," replied Silas, still buried in his paper. - -"_I_ am Mr. Hanningford Wattster van Derventer, of New York," the -visitor repeated. "My friend, Mr. Vandergilt, told me you would take -excellent care of me here." - -"Ya-a-as," said Silas, still chewing and reading his paper. - -"_I_ am Mr. Hanningford Wattster van Derventer, of New York," the -young man reiterated with the air of one who tells great news, also -with rising indignation. "My friend, Mr. _Vandergilt_, told me you -would take excellent care of me--show me every attention." - -"Wa-al," exclaimed Silas P. Meacham, throwing down the paper and -revealing his few yellow teeth in a mocking grin--"wa-al, what d'ye -want me t' do--kiss ye?" - - * * * * * - -Court--(to prosecutor)--"Then you recognize this handkerchief as the -one which was stolen?" - -Prosecutor--"Yes, your honor." - -Court--"And yet it isn't the only handkerchief of the sort in the -world. See, this one I have in my pocket is exactly like it." - -Prosecutor--"Very likely, your honor; there were two stolen." - - * * * * * - -The company of soldiers had been receiving a lesson in minor tactics, -and among other subjects was the method of patrols in getting -information. The book said that information could be obtained from -"mayors, postmasters, livery-stable keepers, doctors, peasants, etc." - -The lieutenant turned to Finnegan and said: "Do you know what a -peasant is, Finnegan?" - -He answered promptly, "Yes, sor." - -"Well, what is it?" - -"It's a bird, sor," said Finnegan with evident pride. - - * * * * * - -Senator Pettus, of Alabama, was writing with a noisy, spluttering pen. -Laying it down, he smiled and said: "Once I was spending the evening -with a friend of mine in Selma. We sat in the dining-room and from -the kitchen came a dreadful scratching sound. 'Martha,' said my friend -to the maid, 'what is that scratching? it must be the dog trying to -get in.' 'Huh!' said Martha, 'Dat ain' no dog, dat's cook writin' a -love-letter to heh honeysuckle.'" - - * * * * * - -"No smoking in this coach, sir," said the conductor of a passenger -train. "I'm not smokin'," answered the passenger with an injured air -from the depths of his seat. - -"You've got your pipe in your mouth," declared the conductor with -emphasis, sharply confident. "I hov," retorted the Hibernian, "and I -hov me fut in me shoe, too, but I'm not walkin'." - - * * * * * - -Little Alice is old for her years. One evening after she had gone to -bed she heard mama and papa laughing in much enjoyment over a game of -flinch; she longed to get up and join them, but knew she must not. The -next morning at breakfast she was very quiet. Presently she drew a -deep sigh, and said, "What a good time you and papa had last night. -Oh, I feel the need of a husband, mama, I _do_ feel it!" - - * * * * * - -A teacher in one of the primary schools of New York recently read to -her pupils "The Old Oaken Bucket." - -After explaining the song to them very carefully, she asked the class -to copy the first stanza from the blackboard, where she had written -it, and try to illustrate the verse by drawings in the same way a -story is illustrated. - -In a short while one little girl handed up her paper with several -little dots between two lines, a circle, half a dozen dots, and three -buckets. - -"I do not quite understand this, Mamie," said the teacher, kindly. -"What is that circle?" - -"Oh, that's the well," Mamie replied. - -"And why do you have three buckets?" again asked the teacher. - -"One," answered the child, "is the oaken bucket, one is the iron-bound -bucket, and the other is the moss-covered bucket that hung in the -well." - -"But, Mamie, what are all these little dots for?" - -"Why those are the spots which my infancy knew," earnestly replied -Mamie. - - * * * * * - -Four gentlemen went out to dine. They were Arthur Balfour, Joseph -Chamberlain, Lord Charles Beresford, and the Japanese Minister. Mr. -Arthur Balfour was standing treat and said to Joey, "What will you -take?" "Oh, thanks, I'll take Scotch, Arthur." "And what will you -take, Lord Charles?" "Oh, thanks, I'll take Irish, Arthur." "And now, -what will you take?" addressing the Japanese Minister. "I'll take Port -Arthur, thanks." - - * * * * * - -Not long after the great Chelsea fire some children in Newton, -Massachusetts, held a Charity Fair by which eighteen dollars were -realized. This they forwarded to the rector of a certain Boston -church who had taken a prominent part in the relief work, with a -letter which read somewhat as follows: - -"We have had a fair and made eighteen dollars. We are sending it to -you. Please give it to the Chelsea sufferers. - - "Yours truly, etc. - - "P. S. We hope the suffering is not all over." - - * * * * * - -A story is told of a certain committee meeting in which the -proceedings commenced with noise and gradually became uproarious. At -last one of the disputants, losing all control over his emotions, -exclaimed to his opponent: "Sir, you are, I think, the biggest ass -that I ever had the misfortune to set eyes upon!" "Order! order!" said -the chairman, gravely; "you seem to forget that I am in the room." - - * * * * * - -An Irish priest had labored hard with one of his flock to induce him -to give up whisky. "I tell you, Michael," said the priest, "whisky is -your worst enemy, and you should keep as far away from it as you can." -"The enemy is it, father?" responded Michael, "and it was your -riverence's self that was telling us in the pulpit last Sunday to love -our enemies." "So I was, Michael," rejoined the priest, "but I didn't -tell you to swallow them." - - * * * * * - -A Sabbath-school worker was visiting a Sabbath-school some distance -from home. Being called upon to address the school, he commenced by -asking, "Who can tell me something about Peter?" (the lesson was about -Peter that day). Having received no answer from either large or small -pupils, he again made the request. This time a little girl put up her -hand. He called the little girl to him and placed her upon a chair. -After complimenting her on her bravery and brightness, he asked her to -tell him all she knew about Peter. In return came the following: - - "Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater, - Had a wife and couldn't keep her; - Put her in a pumpkin shell - Where he kept her very well." - - * * * * * - -Senator Beveridge, in recommending broad and generous views to the -graduating class of a medical school, told this story: - -"I once saw two famous physicians introduced at a reception. They were -deservedly famous, but they were of opposing schools; and the regular, -as he shook the other by the hand, said loudly: - -"'I am glad to meet you as a gentleman, sir, though I can't admit that -you are a physician.' - -"'And I,' said the homeopathist, smiling faintly, 'am glad to meet you -as a physician, though I can't admit you are a gentleman.'" - - * * * * * - -At a recent dinner in London the conversation turned to the subject of -lynching in the United States. It was the general opinion that a large -percentage of Americans met death at the end of a rope. Finally the -hostess turned to an American, who had taken no part in the -conversation, and said: - -"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs." - -"Yes," he replied, "we take a kind of municipal pride in seeing which -city can show the greatest number of lynchings yearly." - -"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself," broke in -half a dozen voices at once. - -"The night before I sailed for England," said Eugene Field, "I was -giving a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when a -colored waiter spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at an -adjoining table. The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen of her -party at once seized the waiter, tied a rope around his neck, and at a -signal from the injured lady swung him into the air." - -"Horrible," said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you actually see -this yourself?" - -"Well, no," admitted the American apologetically. "Just at that moment -I happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in -the blanc mange." - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Jones recently spent a few days at a farm, and in a moment of -originality bought some poultry from the farmer with a view to their -providing fresh eggs for breakfast every morning. She sent them to -town per the local carrier, despatching a note at the same time to her -husband telling him to look out for the consignment. When Jones -reached home from his office he inquired if the poultry had arrived. -The servant told him they had, but the man had carelessly put them in -the back yard, leaving the door open, and they had all escaped. -Thereupon a fowl hunt was immediately organized. The next day Jones -saw the carrier. "Nice trick you played me yesterday," said he; "spent -three hours hunting those fowls and only found ten." "Then think -yourself blessed lucky," replied the man. "I only brought six." - - * * * * * - -A patronizing young lord was seated opposite the late James McNeill -Whistler at dinner one evening. During a lull in the conversation he -adjusted his monocle and leaned forward toward the artist. - -"Aw, y' know, Mr. Whistler," he drawled, "I pahssed your house this -mawning." - -"Thank you," said Whistler quietly. "Thank you very much." - - * * * * * - -The new minister in a Georgia church was delivering his first sermon. -The darky janitor was a critical listener from a back corner of the -church. The minister's sermon was eloquent, and his prayers seemed to -cover the whole category of human wants. - -After the services one of the deacons asked the old darky what he -thought of the new minister. "Don't you think he offers up a good -prayer, Joe?" - -"Ah mos' suhtainly does, boss. Why, dat man axed de good Lord fo' -things dat de odder preacher didn't even know He had!" - - * * * * * - -For weeks the kindergarten had been deluged with nature verses, and -the process of absorption was far advanced. Sufficiently to admit of -a little squeezing with results, thought the teacher. - -"Now, children," she said, "I want you each to bring in a little verse -that you have made yourselves about the buds, or the trees, or the -flowers, or anything that pleases you." - -Various specimens were produced next day, but the gem of the -collection was little May Flynn's. With appropriate gestures she -recited: - - "See the pretty gold fish swimming in the globe! - See the pretty robin singing in the tree! - Who teached these two to fly together? - Who stucked the fur upon their breasts? - 'Twas God. 'Twas God. He done it." - - * * * * * - -A story about King Edward is worth repeating. Just before the illness -which caused the postponement of the coronation, he was racing down -one of the country roads in his motor-car at a speed which was away -beyond the legal limit. - -"Hi! Hi!" called a policeman. "Stop there, in the name of the law!" - -His Majesty is said to have slackened speed and called out: "But I'm -the king!" - -"Jest you come aht o' that," was the reply; "yer the third king wot's -come along this morning." - - * * * * * - -In order to play "Rosemary" some years ago, John Drew shaved off his -mustache, thereby greatly changing his appearance. Shortly afterward -he met Max Beerbohm in the lobby of a London theater, but could not -just then recall who the latter was. Mr. Beerbohm's memory was better. - -"Oh, Mr. Drew," he said, "I'm afraid you don't know me without your -mustache." - - * * * * * - -A truly eloquent parson had been preaching for an hour or so on the -immortality of the soul. - -"I looked at the mountains," he declaimed, "and could not help -thinking, 'Beautiful as you are, you will be destroyed, while my soul -will not.' I gazed upon the ocean and cried, 'Mighty as you are you -will eventually dry up, but not I.'" - - * * * * * - -"Now if I don't git rid o' dis cold soon," complained Jimmy, the -jockey, "I'll be a dead one." - -"Did you go to Dr. Goodman, as I told you?" asked his friend. - -"Naw! De sign on his door said '10 to 1' an' I wouldn't monkey wid no -long shot like dat." - - * * * * * - -Herbert S. Stone, the publisher, described at a dinner in Washington -the amusing methods of a newspaper writer who used to write articles -at a set rate a column. - -He was once commissioned to do a serial story for a Chicago paper. The -story, as it proceeded from week to week, was interesting, but it -contained many passages like the following: - -"Did you hear him?" - -"I did." - -"Truly?" - -"Truly." - -"Where?" - -"By the well." - -"When?" - -"To-day." - -"Then he lives?" - -"He does." - -"Ah." - -The editor, sending for the man, said: - -"Hereafter we will pay you by the letters in your serial. We will pay -you so much a thousand letters." - -The young man, looking crestfallen, went away, but in the very next -instalment of his story he introduced a character who stuttered, and -all through the chapter were scattered passages like this: - -"B-b-b-b-believe me, s-s-s-sir, I am n-n-not g-g-g-guilty. M-m-m-my -m-m-m-mother c-c-c-committed this c-c-c-crime." - - * * * * * - -A man with a soft, low voice had just completed his purchases in a -department store of the City of Churches. - -"What is the name?" asked the clerk. - -"Jepson," replied the man. - -"Chipson?" - -"No, Jepson." - -"Oh, yes, Jefferson." - -"No, Jepson; J-e-p-s-o-n." - -"Jepson?" - -"That's it. You have it. Sixteen eighty-two--" - -"Your first name, initial, please." - -"Oh, K." - -"O. K. Jepson." - -"Excuse me, it isn't O. K. You did not understand me. I said 'Oh.'" - -"O. Jepson." - -"No; rub out the O and let the K stand." - -The clerk looked annoyed. "Will you please give me your initials -again?" - -"I said K." - -"I beg your pardon, you said O. K. Perhaps you had better write it -yourself." - -"I said 'Oh'--" - -"Just now you said K." - -"Allow me to finish what I started to say. I said 'Oh,' because I did -not understand what you were asking me. I did not mean that it was my -initial. My name is Kirby Jepson." - -"Oh!" - -"No, not O., but K.," said the man. "Give me the pencil, and I'll -write it down for you myself. There, I guess it's O. K. now." - - * * * * * - -The furnishing of the new house had gone on vociferously. All the -family told stories of the beautiful and rare articles picked up at -auctions, usually at such bargains as only amateurs in such matters -are able to find. There was naturally much curiosity to see how the -house looked. The first visitor who had the opportunity to inspect it -was eagerly questioned by her friends. - -"I can't describe it myself," she explained. "All I can say is that -auctions speak louder than words." - - * * * * * - -When Frank R. Stockton started out with his Rudder Grange experiences -he undertook to keep chickens. One old motherly Plymouth Rock brought -out a brood late in the fall, and Stockton named each of the chicks -after some literary friend, among the rest Mary Mapes Dodge. Mrs. -Dodge was visiting the farm some time later, and, happening to think -of her namesake, she said: "By the way, Frank, how does little Mary -Mapes Dodge get along?" "The funny thing about little Mary Mapes -Dodge," said he, "is, she turns out to be Thomas Bailey Aldrich." - - * * * * * - -A short time ago a lady with an only child (aged seven) was -entertaining the bishop of the diocese to afternoon tea. The small -girl was allowed to come to tea, but her mother had instilled into her -mind the necessity of speaking reverently to the bishop. Tea came and -with it the pangs of hunger, but at the same time her mother's -warning, "speak reverently," was always before her. After sitting for -about ten minutes gazing at the good things and repeating over and -over again, "speak reverently," she exclaimed, "For God's sake pass me -the bread and butter." - - * * * * * - -Hiram Hardscrabble and his load of hay, two horses, and a perfectly -good wagon were pitched so high and so far by a reckless railroad -train that when they came down they weren't--any of 'em--good for -much. The local Congressman took the case, and after some months -advised Hiram to accept the railroad company's offer of lifelong -employment at $15 a week. Hiram accepted. They put him out as a -flagman on a crossing near his native village. - -Cassidy, the section boss, stopped his handcar before the flag-shanty, -and after a searching look at Hiram advised as follows: - -"So you're the new flagman, are ye? And ye've niver railroaded before. -No harm. We'll make a man iv ye. See, now, there's yer red flag and -yer green flag and yer white flag, and yer thrain schedule within on -the wall. All ye have to do is dhrop the gates befoor the thrains do -come, so that they'll have a clear thrack. D'ye mind, now? - -"But there's wan thing above all others--th' Impire Shtate Express! -Putt yer gates down two minyits before she comes and keep them down -till she's pasht. Mind now, she must niver be late on this section. -Niver wan minyit late. I won't sthand f'r it. Remimber--th' Impire -Shtate Express. She must niver be late here." - -Hiram promised. At 2 P.M., when the Empire State Express was due in -two minutes, he dropped the crossing gates and stood by with the white -flag to wave her along. Three minutes passed, four, five--and still no -train. As a matter of fact, she had lost half an hour at an open draw -on the Harlem River in the morning, and was laboring mightily to -regain lost time in spite of her fast schedule. - -Seven minutes late, and then Hiram heard a wild shriek a mile away and -saw the express coming. He darted into the shanty, grabbed a red flag, -and leaped out upon the track, waving it furiously. The engineer shut -off, threw over the reverse lever, gave her sand and the air; and the -mighty train stopped short, in a whirl of sand, cinders, and sparks, -brakes creaking and passengers pitchpoling everywhere. - -"What's the matter now?" roared the engineer, thrusting half his body -out of the cab and glaring down at Hiram. - -"Be yeou th' ingineer?" asked the flagman, peering at him with -suspicion. - -"Yes, yes! Whad-do-you want?" - -"I want t' know whut's made ye so goldinged late? Cassidy says he -wun't stand f'r it." - - * * * * * - -During a match at St. Andrews, Scotland, a rustic was struck in the -eye accidentally by a golf ball. Running up to his assailant, he -yelled: - -"This'll cost ye five pounds--five pounds!" - -"But I called out 'fore' as loudly as I could," explained the golfer. - -"Did ye, sir?" replied the troubled one, much appeased. "Weel, I didna -hear; I'll take fower." - - * * * * * - -Mark Twain observed once at a public dinner that he had written a -friendly letter to Queen Victoria protesting against a tax being -levied in England on his head, on the ground that it was a gas-works. -"I don't know you," he wrote, "but I've met your son. He was at the -head of a procession in the Strand, and I was on a 'bus." Years -afterward he met the King at Homburg, and they had a long talk. At -parting the King said: "I am glad to have met you again." That last -word troubled Mark, who asked whether the King had not mistaken him -for some one else. The reply--"Why, don't you remember meeting me in -the Strand when I was at the head of a procession and you were on a -'bus?" revealed the strength of Royal memories. - - * * * * * - -An Irishman and an Englishman were recounting feats of physical -prowess. The Englishman, by way of showing his strength, said that he -was accustomed to swim across the Thames three times before breakfast -every morning. - -"Well," said the Irishman, "that may be all right, but it do seem to -me that your clothes would be on the wrong side of the river all the -time." - - * * * * * - -An excess luggage porter at a large railway station said to a -"commercial," "I see your luggage is overweight, sir." "Ah! your -visionary powers are far too acute for me, my friend." "What did you -say, sir?" "I say you can see too well for me." "Ah! to be sure, sir. -I take you----" "Could you see as well now if you had sixpence over -one eye?" "Well, I don't know, sir, but I'm darned well sure I -couldn't see at all if I'd another over t'other one." - - * * * * * - -Henry James, the American novelist, lives at Rye, one of the Cinque -Ports, but recently he left Rye for a time and took a house in the -country near the estate of a millionaire jam manufacturer, retired. -This man, having married an earl's daughter, was ashamed of the trade -whereby he had piled up his fortune. - -The jam manufacturer one day wrote Mr. James an impudent letter, -vowing that it was outrageous the way the James servants were -trespassing on his grounds. Mr. James wrote back: - -"_Dear Sir_: I am very sorry to hear that my servants have been -poaching on your preserves. - -"P.S.--You'll excuse my mentioning your preserves, won't you?" - - * * * * * - -An Omaha man was taking an automobile trip through the ranching -section of the State, and to save time took a short cut over a bad -stretch of road, full of jolts and bumps. During the afternoon his -machine broke down, and, as the monkey wrench was missing from his -tool kit, he started on foot for the nearest ranch house to borrow -one. On arriving he found the farmer repairing his fence. - -"Have you a monkey wrench about here that I can use?" he asked. - -"Ay tank not," replied the farmer. "Yonson in nax saction ha kape -cattle ranch, Svenson down har ha kape sheep ranch. Faller bane big -fool to make monkey ranch in dese place." - - * * * * * - -Andrew Carnegie is fond of the Scots' national instrument, the -bagpipe, and when he is at home at Skibo Castle usually has his pet -piper to play for him at dinner. Particularly is the musician in -attendance when the great philanthropist has guests. - -On one occasion a big company of men sat down to table, and the piper -pranced up and down the room as he played. - -The whole thing was new to a French literary man, who politely asked -the guest on his right, "Why does he walk up and down when he does -this thing? Does it add to the volume of the sound, or does it make a -cadence?" - -"No," said the other, "I don't think it's that. I fancy it's to -prevent the listeners getting his range with a knife or a water -bottle." - - * * * * * - -Some time ago Professor Brander Matthews went to dine at a certain -dramatic club in New York. Going to the club letter box he picked up -and perused a letter which seemed to be addressed to him. It was a -request from a tailor for the settlement of his little bill. As the -man's name was quite strange to him he made a careful examination, and -finding that he had been mistaken, put the missive back into its -place. Immediately afterward he saw the real owner take possession of -it, walk into the reading-room, read it carefully, and tear it into -shreds. Then, assured of an audience, the man whose clothes were still -unpaid for, assumed the weary smile of an accomplished ladykiller and -remarked audibly, "Poor, silly, little girl!" - - * * * * * - -A street-car "masher" tried in every way to attract the attention of -the pretty young girl opposite him. Just as he had about given up, the -girl, entirely unconscious of what had been going on, happened to -glance in his direction. The "masher" immediately took fresh courage. - -"It's cold out to-day, isn't it?" he ventured. - -The girl smiled and nodded assent, but had nothing to say. - -"My name is Specknoodle," he volunteered. - -"Oh, I am so sorry," she said sympathetically, as she left the car. - - * * * * * - -A Jew crossing the Brooklyn Bridge met a friend who said, "Abe, I'll -bet you ten dollars that I can tell you exactly what you're thinking -about." - -"Vell," agreed Abe, producing a greasy bill, "I'll haf to take dot -bet. Put up your money." - -The friend produced two fives. "Abe," he said, "you are thinking of -going over to Brooklyn, buying a small stock of goods, renting a small -store, taking out all the fire-insurance that you can possibly get, -and then burning out. Do I win my bet?" - -"Vell," replied Abe, "you don't egsactly vin, but the idea is worth de -money. Take id." - - * * * * * - -Andrew Carnegie tells a good story illustrating the canniness of the -Scot. - -An Irish friend had insisted that a Scotchman should stay at his -house, instead of at a hotel, and kept him there for a month, playing -the host in detail, even to treating him to sundry visits to the -theater, paying the cab fares and the rest. When the visitor was -returning home, the Irishman saw him to the station, and they went -together to have a last cigar. - -"Now, look here," said the Scot, "I'll hae nae mair o' this. Here -ye've been keepin' me at your hoose for a month, an' payin' for a' the -amusements and cabs and so on--I tell you I'll stan' nae mair o' it! -We'll just hae a toss for this one!" - - * * * * * - -"Uncle Joe" Cannon has a way of speaking his mind that is sometimes -embarrassing to others. On one occasion an inexperienced young fellow -was called upon to make a speech at a banquet at which Speaker Cannon -was also present. - -"Gentlemen," began the young fellow, "my opinion is that the -generality of mankind in general is disposed to take advantage of the -generality of ----" - -"Sit down, son," interrupted "Uncle Joe." "You are coming out of the -same hole you went in at." - - * * * * * - -It is a well-established fact that the average school-teacher -experiences a great deal of difficulty when she attempts to enforce -the clear pronunciation of the terminal "g" of each present -participle. - -"Robert," said the teacher of one of the lower classes during the -progress of a reading exercise, "please read the first sentence." - -A diminutive lad rose to his feet and, amid a series of labored gasps, -breathed forth the following: - -"See the horse runnin'." - -"Don't forget the 'g,' Robert," admonished the teacher. - -"Gee! See the horse runnin'." - - * * * * * - -Miss Jeannette Gilder was one of the ardent enthusiasts at the dbut -of Tetrazzini. After the first act she rushed to the back of the -house to greet one of her friends. "Don't you think she is a wonder?" -she asked excitedly. - -"She is a great singer unquestionably," responded her more phlegmatic -friend, "but the registers of her voice are not so even as, for -instance, Melba's." - -"Oh, bother Melba," said Miss Gilder. "Tetrazzini gives infinitely -more heat from her registers." - - * * * * * - -Walter Damrosch tells of a matron in Chicago who, in company with her -young nephew, was attending a musical entertainment. - -The selections were apparently entirely unfamiliar to the youth; but -when the "Wedding March" of Mendelssohn was begun he began to evince -more interest. - -"That sounds familiar," he said. "I'm not strong on these classical -pieces, but that's a good one. What is it?" - -"That," gravely explained the matron, "is the 'Maiden's Prayer.'" - - * * * * * - -A messenger came tearing up to the White House in '63, and hurriedly -gaining admission to Mr. Lincoln, informed him in great excitement -that a large wagon train had been surprised a short way across the -Potomac and a brigadier-general taken prisoner. - -"Did they capture the train?" inquired Old Abe. - -"No, sir, the regiment came up and saved it," answered the messenger, -"but the general, Mr. President, is a prisoner." - -"Oh, never mind that," said Lincoln. "I can make a dozen generals in a -day, but mules cost $300 apiece." - - * * * * * - -Two men were riding together one day through Paris. One was -exceedingly bright and clever, while the other was correspondingly -dull. As is usually the case, the latter monopolized the conversation. -The talk of the dullard had become almost unendurable, when his -companion saw a man on the street far ahead yawning. - -"Look," he exclaimed, "we are overheard!" - - * * * * * - -One afternoon Mrs. Murphy appeared at the settlement house, all -dressed up in her best bonnet and shawl. A huge black and blue spot -disfigured one side of her face, however, and one eye was nearly -closed. "Why, Mrs. Murphy, what is the matter?" cried one of the -teachers; and then, realizing that she might have asked a tactless -question, she hastily turned it off, by saying, "Well, cheer up, you -might be worse off." "Sure an' I might," responded the indignant Mrs. -Murphy. "I might not be married at all!" - - * * * * * - -A young woman in Central Park overheard an old negress call to a -piccaninny: "Come heah, Exy, Exy!" - -"Excuse me, but that's a queer name for a baby, aunty?" - -"Dat ain't her full name," explained the old woman with pride; "dat's -jes' de pet name I calls for short. Dat chile got a mighty grand name. -Her ma picked it out in a medicine book--yessum, de child's full name -is Eczema." - - * * * * * - -Sir Richard Bethell, afterward Lord Westbury, with a suave voice and a -stately manner, nevertheless had a way of bearing down the foe with -almost savage wit. Once, in court, he had to follow a barrister who -had delivered his remarks in very loud tones. "Now that the noise in -court has subsided," murmured Bethell, "I will tell your Honor in two -sentences the gist of the case." - - * * * * * - -The resemblance of the Rev. Robert Collyer to Henry Ward Beecher was -often remarked. One day, when walking through Central Park, hat in -hand, as the day was hot, at a sharp turn in the path he came upon an -old lady seated on one of the park benches. At sight of him she jumped -to her feet, exclaiming: - -"Goodness me! This is not Mr. Beecher?" - -"No, madam," Dr. Collyer answered, "it is not. I hope Mr. Beecher is -in a cooler place." - - * * * * * - -It is not necessary that a lawyer should be eloquent to win verdicts, -but he must have the tact which turns an apparent defeat to his own -advantage. One of the most successful of verdict winners was Sir James -Scarlett. His skill in turning a failure into a success was wonderful. -In a breach-of-promise case the defendant, Scarlett's client, was -alleged to have been cajoled into an engagement by the plaintiff's -mother. She was a witness in behalf of her daughter, and completely -baffled Scarlett, who cross-examined her. But in his argument he -exhibited his tact by this happy stroke of advocacy: "You saw, -gentlemen of the jury, that I was but a child in her hands. What must -my client have been?" - - * * * * * - -He was a young man--a candidate for an agricultural constituency--and -he was sketching in glowing colors to an audience of rural voters the -happy life the laborer would lead under an administration for the -propagation of sweetness and light. "We have not yet three acres and a -cow, but it will come. Old-age pensions are still of the future, but -they will come." Similarly every item of his comprehensive program was -endorsed by the same parrot cry. Then he went on to talk of prison -reforms. "I have not yet personally," he said, "been inside a criminal -lunatic asylum." Then there was a voice from the back of the hall, -"But it will come." - - * * * * * - -The judge had had his patience sorely tried by lawyers who wished to -talk and by men who wished to evade jury service. - -"Shudge!" cried a little German in the jury box. - -"What is it?" demanded the judge. - -"I t'ink I like to go home to my wife," said the German. - -"You can't," retorted the judge. "Sit down." - -"But, shudge," persisted the German, "I don't t'ink I make a good -shuror." - -"You're the best in the box," said the judge. "Sit down." - -"What box?" said the German. - -"Jury box," said the judge. - -"But, shudge," persisted the little German, "I don't speak good -English." - -"You don't have to speak any at all," said the judge. "Sit down." - -The little German pointed at the lawyers to make his last desperate -plea. - -"Shudge," he said, "I don't make noddings of what these fellers say." - -It was the judge's chance to get even for many annoyances. - -"Neither can any one else," he said. "Sit down." - - * * * * * - -A parson, diminutive in size and his head covered with hair of the -most fiery hue, officiated one Sunday for a friend in a colliery -village near Nottingham. The old-fashioned pulpit had a high desk over -which the parson's red head was hardly visible. This was too much for -a burly collier seated immediately under the pulpit, who when he heard -the text, "I am the Light of the World," exclaimed to the clerk, "Push -him up a bit higher, mate; don't let him burn in the socket." - - * * * * * - -"Biddy," said Pat timidly, "did ye iver think o' marryin'?"' - -"Shure, now," said Biddy, looking demurely at her shoe--"shure, now, -the subject has niver entered me mind at all, at all." - -"It's sorry Oi am," said Pat, and he turned away. - -"Wan minute, Pat," said Biddy softly. "Ye've set me thinkin'." - - * * * * * - -From a French journal comes this little anecdote of a tutor and his -royal pupil. - -The lesson was in Roman history, and the prince was unprepared. - -"We come now to the Emperor Caligula. What do you know about him, -prince?" - -The question was followed by a silence that was becoming awkward when -it was broken by the diplomatic tutor. "Your highness is right," he -said, "perfectly right. The less said about this emperor the better." - - * * * * * - -The following copies of queer advertisements have been collected and -printed by club women: - -"Bulldog for sale; will eat anything; is very fond of children." - -"Lost--Near Highgate Archway, an umbrella belonging to a gentleman -with a bent rib and a bone handle." - -"Mr. Brown, furrier, begs to announce that he will make up gowns, -capes and so forth, for ladies out of their own skin." - -"Wanted, a herder for 500 sheep that can speak Spanish fluently." - -"For Sale--House in good neighborhood, by an invalid lady three -stories high and heated with furnace." - -A contemporary contains the startling news that "A carload of brick -came in for a walk through the park." - - * * * * * - -An error for which nervousness may have been responsible was that made -by the boy who was told to take the Bishop's shaving water to him one -morning and cautioned to answer the Bishop's inquiry "Who's there?" by -saying, "The boy, my Lord." Whether from nervousness or not, the boy -managed to transpose the words of this sentence with ludicrous effect, -and the Bishop was surprised and perhaps alarmed to hear in response -to his inquiry the answer, "The Lord, my boy." - - * * * * * - -Tailor--"Do you want padded shoulders, my little man?" - -Willie--"Naw; pad de pants! Dat's where I need it most." - - * * * * * - -Dr. Tupper does not hesitate to take examples from his own profession, -as witness his curious story of the young clergyman who, after -preaching a funeral sermon, wished to invite the mourners to view the -remains, but became confused and exclaimed: - -"We will now pass around the bier." - - * * * * * - -"Wossatchoogot?" - -"Afnoonnoos. Lassdition." - -"Enthinkinnut?" - -"Naw. Nothninnut 'cept lasspeechrosefelt's. Lottarot." - -"Donsayso? Wosswetherpredickshun?" - -"Sesrain. Donbleevetho. Funthingthiswethernevkintellwossgunnado." - -"Thasright!" - - * * * * * - -President Eliot of Harvard recently visited a hotel in New York, and -when he left the dining-room the colored man in charge of the hats -picked up his tile without hesitation and handed it to him. - -"How did you know that was my hat when you have a hundred there?" -asked Mr. Eliot. - -"I didn't know it, sah," said the negro. - -"Didn't know it was mine? Then why did you give it to me?" - -"Because you gave it to me, sah." - - * * * * * - -"How small have you felt?" she asked anxiously. - -"Well," he replied, "I have felt as small as a man in the presence of -the head plumber." - -"That isn't enough." - -"I have felt as small as the Prohibition nominee for Vice-President." - -She shook her head. - -"Or as a man when his wife catches him in a lie." - -"That isn't anything." - -"I have felt as small as the man who made a righteous complaint to the -president of a trolley line." - -She shook her head again sadly. - -"That isn't anything to the way I feel," she said. "You know I have -never been to Europe, and I've been talking with a girl who has just -returned." - - * * * * * - -In one of the Atlanta Sunday-schools recently the lesson for the day -had to do with Mammon and the corrupting influences of great riches. - -Toward the close of the exercises the superintendent called upon the -infant class to repeat the Golden Text, which had special reference to -man's inability to serve his Creator and the money-god at one and the -same time. The class failed to respond as it should, when the -superintendent, noticing his own young hopeful in the ranks, who had -that very morning been drilled thoroughly on the text, called on him. -The response was immediate, though a slight departure from the -original, for in a voice that was distinctly heard in all parts of the -room there came the following modification: - -"Ye can not serve God and mama!" - - * * * * * - -"Any complaints, corporal?" said the colonel, making one morning a -personal inspection. - -"Yes, sir. Taste that, sir," said the corporal promptly. - -The colonel put the liquid to his lips. "Why," he said, "that's the -best soup I ever tasted!" - -"Yes, sir," said the corporal, "and the cook wants to call it coffee." - - * * * * * - -Reporter--"To what do you attribute your great age?" - -Oldest Inhabitant--"I hain't sure yet, sir. There be several o' them -patent-medicine companies as is bargainin' with me." - - * * * * * - -Mr. Choate, ex-Ambassador of the United States at London, tells of the -address made by an Irish officer to his men who had just returned from -a fruitless expedition. - -Rising to his feet with the utmost solemnity and seriousness, the -officer said: - -"My men, I am fully aware of the fact that many of you brave fellows -are disappointed because in this campaign you were afforded little -opportunity to fight; but, my brave boys, reflect upon this: that had -there been any fighting, there would have been many absent faces here -to-day!" - - * * * * * - -"Young man (23) with five years' experience in leading publishers, -desires to better his position." - -But what better position could there be than that of leading our -publishers? - - * * * * * - -From Children's Chat, by "Grandma" in the "Times" of Natal: - -"I want you, my dears, to write me a short snake story, something that -really happened to some one you know; and if you can tell me of a -child being really bitten I shall be glad to hear about it." - -Truly it is said that a child's best friend is his grandma. - - * * * * * - -Wandering over Salisbury Plain on Whit Monday, a correspondent came -across a large stone inscribed: "Turn me over." After much difficulty -he succeeded in turning it over, and found on the under side of the -stone the words: "Now turn me back again, so that I can catch some -other idiot." - - * * * * * - -He--"Dearest, if I had known this tunnel was so long, I'd have given -you a jolly hug." - -She--"Didn't you? Why--why--" - - * * * * * - -Timid Lady (going up the Washington Monument elevator).--"Conductor, -what if the rope breaks that holds us?" - -Conductor--"Oh, there are a number more attached as safety ropes." - -Timid Lady--"But if they all break, where shall we go?" - -Conductor--"Oh, well, m'm, that all depends upon what kind of a life -you have been living before." - - * * * * * - -Elmer, though only a little boy, was the oldest child of an already -numerous family. He was invited to go in and see a little baby sister. -Asked by his mother what he thought of the baby, he said, "W'y, mama, -it's real nice. But do you think we needed it?" - - * * * * * - -Time: 2 A.M. - -"Ma, I want a drink!" - -"Hush, darling; turn over and go to sleep." - -"I want a drink!" - -"No, you are restless. Turn over, dear, and go to sleep." - -(After five minutes.) "Ma, I want a drink." - -"Lie still, Ethel, and go to sleep." - -"But I want a drink!" - -"No, you don't want a drink; you had a drink just before you went to -bed. Now be still and go right to sleep." - -(After five minutes.) "Ma, won't you please give me a drink?" - -"If you say another word I'll get up and spank you. Now go to sleep. -You are a naughty girl." - -(After two minutes.) "Ma, when you get up to spank me will you give me -a drink?" - - * * * * * - -Once upon a time there was a young married man who had some slight -bickerings with the woman of his choice. These having occurred with -great frequency, he went to his father, who was older and much more -married. - -"Father," he said, "is it not meet that I should be the ringmaster in -my own wickiup? Or must I kowtow to the old lady?" - -Whereat the old man smiled wisely and said: - -"My son, yonder are a hundred chickens and here a fine team of horses. -Do you place the feathered tribe on this wagon, hitch up the team, and -start out. Wherever you find a man and his wife living together, make -diligent investigation to find out who the commanding officer is, and -where it is the woman give her a chicken. If you find a man running a -house give him one of the horses." - -So the young man loaded up the fowls and started out upon his -pilgrimage of self-education. And when he had but seven chickens -left, he approached a habitation with his forlorn inquiry, to which -the man replied: - -"I'm the ace-high cockalorum of this outfit." - -And the wife, without fear or favor, corroborated the statement. Then -the young man said: - -"Take your choice of the horses. Either one you fancy is yours." And -after the man had walked around the team several times and looked in -their mouths, he said, "Well, I'll take the bay." - -Now, the wife didn't like bay horses, and she called John aside, and -after whispering in his ear she allowed him to return. - -"I guess I'll take the black horse," he said. - -"Not a bit of it," said the pilgrim. "You'll take a chicken." - - * * * * * - -They were talking over the engagement of one of the daughters of the -family when the negro servant came in. One of the girls asked: "Cindy, -have you seen Edith's fianc?" "No'm, honey, hit ain't been in de wash -yit." - - * * * * * - -In the late financial stringency a clerk in one of the New York banks -was trying to explain to a stolid old Dutchman why the bank could not -pay cash to depositors as formerly, and was insisting that he be -satisfied with Clearing House checks. But the old man could not grasp -the situation, and finally the president of the bank was called upon -to enlighten the dissatisfied customer. After a detailed explanation -of the financial situation the president concluded, "Now, my good -man, you understand, don't you?" - -"Yes," dubiously replied the Dutchman, "I tinks I understand. It's -just like this; ven my baby vakes up in der night und cries for milk, -I give her a milk ticket." - - * * * * * - -Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famous -specialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in the -waiting-room. - -After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and -whispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain't -he?" - -"One of the best," the gentleman told him. - -Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something. - -"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, then, -ain't he? Vat does he charge?" - -The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered rather -shortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-five -dollars for each visit thereafter." - -"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky. "Fifty tollars the first time und -twenty-five tollars each time afterwards!" - -For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. "Und -twenty-five tollars each time afterward," he kept muttering. Finally, -just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliant -inspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands. - -"Hello, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I am again." - - * * * * * - -A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continental -winter resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on the parable of -the unjust steward. "What is a steward?" he asked. A little boy who -had arrived from England a few days before held up his hand. "He is a -man, sir," he replied, "who brings you a basin." - - * * * * * - -A teacher giving a lecture on the rhinoceros found his class was not -giving him all the attention it should. "Now, gentlemen," he said, "if -you want to realize the true hideous nature of this animal you must -keep your eyes fixed on me." - - * * * * * - -A negro had made several ineffectual efforts to propose to the object -of his affections, but on each occasion his courage failed him at the -last moment. After thinking the matter over he finally decided to -telephone, which he did. "Is that you, Samantha?" he inquired upon -being given the proper number. "Yes, it's me," returned the lady. -"Will you marry me, Samantha, and marry me quick?" "Yes, I will," was -the reply; "who's speaking?" - - * * * * * - -He was a big, black, good-hearted, old negro, stranded near Boston, -and he had decided, after considerable "cogitation," to work his way -back to, the South, where he would feel more at home. In Boston, in -Springfield, in Hartford, in New Haven, it was always the same. When -he rang a bell and asked for work and a bite to eat the answer -usually was, "I'm very sorry, but there's not a thing to be done here -to-day." There were occasional exceptions, of course, or uncle could -never have got on, but the thing most to be counted upon was pleasing -politeness coupled with nothing else. - -At last the old man left New York and then Philadelphia behind, and -one day found himself in Baltimore. His knowledge of geography was -_nil_, but he thought he ought soon to be getting into "de Souf," and -with that hope at heart rang the bell of a fine house on Charles -Street. The door was opened by the host himself, who, after an -instant's survey of the figure before him, blurted out: - -"Why, yo' ---- black rascal! How dare yo' ring this bell? Get off mah -steps this secon', befo' I brek yo' haid!" - -"'Deed I will, boss; 'deed I will," came the hurried answer. "I wuz -on'y lookin' fer a bite to eat, boss." - -"A bite to eat!" repeated the other. "An' don't yo' know whar to go -for all yo' want? Get yo'self round back, an' they'll feed yo' -full--but cyart yo' good-for-nuthin' black carcass off these steps, I -say." - -And as uncle went around to the side door he raised his hands to -heaven, and with tears of rejoicing running down his furrowed cheeks, -said: - -"Bress de Lord! I's back agin among mah own folks!" - - * * * * * - -A little boy who had just joined Sunday-school was asked by his mother -how he liked it. - -"Why!" exclaimed Charlie disgustedly, "they don't know much. The -teacher asked what was the collec', and I was the only one who knew." - -"And what did you say, dear?" - -"Why, I told them pretty quick that it was a pain in the stomach." - - * * * * * - -Travelers' tales which often add charm to the conversation of an -agreeable person frequently render a bore more tiresome than ever, a -fact that was amusingly illustrated by an occurrence in a Baltimore -clubhouse not long ago. - -"There I stood, gentlemen," the long-winded narrator was saying, -after droning on for an hour with reference to his trip to -Switzerland--"there I stood, with the abyss yawning in front of me." - -"Pardon me," hastily interjected one of the unfortunate men who had -been obliged to listen to the story, "but was that abyss yawning -before you got there?" - - * * * * * - -After a lesson on digestion the teacher, anxious to know how much her -instruction had been understood, questioned the class. The first -answer was rather discouraging, as the girl called upon made this -startling statement: - -"Digestion begins in the mouth and ends in the big and little -testament." - -It was the same teacher who received the following note: - -"Pleas teacher do not tel Mary any more about her incides it makes her -so proud." - - * * * * * - -When Sam Jones was holding his meetings in Dallas, on one occasion he -said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who has -ever known a perfect man stand up." - -Nobody stood up. - -"Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up." - -One demure little woman stood up. - -"Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" asked Sam, somewhat -amazed. - -"I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman, "but I -have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife." - - * * * * * - -Former President Scott, of the Cincinnati Southern Railroad, was -greatly annoyed, when he first took hold of the road, by the claims -for horses and cattle killed by trains on their way through Kentucky. -It seemed as though it were not possible for a train to run north or -south through Kentucky without killing either a horse or a cow. And -every animal killed, however scrawny, scrubby, or miserable it may -have been before the accident, always figured in the claims -subsequently presented as of the best blood in Kentucky. "Well," said -Scott one day, after examining a claim, "I don't know anything that -improves stock in Kentucky like crossing it with a locomotive." - - * * * * * - -One of a loving couple (watching a pile-driver at work)--"Dear, I feel -so sorry for those poor men. They have been trying for the last half -hour to lift that thing out, and every time they get it almost to the -top, it falls back again." - - * * * * * - -Sentinel (on guard)--"Halt! Who comes there?" - -The Colonel--"Fool!" - -Sentinel--"Advance, fool, and give the countersign." - - * * * * * - -"Oh, I'm so sorry I could not come to your 'At Home' yesterday." - -"Dear me, weren't you there?" - -"Why of course I was--how very silly of me--I quite forgot." - - * * * * * - -A theological student was sent one Sunday to supply a vacant pulpit in -a Connecticut valley town. A few days after he received a copy of the -weekly paper of that place with the following item marked: - -"Rev. ---- of the senior class at Yale Seminary supplied the pulpit at -the Congregational Church last Sunday, and the church will now be -closed three weeks for repairs." - - * * * * * - -A Certain Ohio lady with a large sense of religious duty was recently -importuned by a tramp. The good religionist, after considerable -hesitation, produced a piece of dry bread which she delivered with the -following formula, evidently prepared for such occasion: - -"Now, sir, not for your sake, nor for my sake, but for God's sake, I -give you this bread." - -The tramp accepted the offering and had got as far as the gate when he -suddenly turned and came back where his benefactress was waiting to -see him safely out. - -"Say, miss," he drawled, "not for your sake, nor for my sake, but for -God's sake put some butter on it." - - * * * * * - -"Mother, mother, mother, turn the hose on me!" sang little Willie, as -his mama was dressing him one morning. - -"What do you mean?" she asked. - -"You've put my stockin's on wrong side out," he said. - - * * * * * - -The will of Stephen Girard provided that no clergyman should ever be -allowed to enter the splendid Girard College at Philadelphia. - -One day a very clerical looking man, with immaculate white cravat and -choker, approached the entrance. - -"You can't come in here," said the janitor. - -"The ---- I can't!" said the stranger. - -"Oh," said the janitor, "excuse me. Step right in." - -It is said that the visitor was the late State Senator Sessions, of -Western New York. - - * * * * * - -The following anecdote of ex-President Roosevelt's youth is told: - -When Roosevelt was a student at Harvard he was required to recite a -poem in public declamation. He got as far as a line which read: - -"When Greece her knees in suppliance bent," when he stuck there. - -Again he tried: - -"When Greece her knees...," but could get no farther. - -The teacher waited patiently, finally remarking: - -"Grease her knees again, Roosevelt, then perhaps she'll go." - - * * * * * - -A Young graduate in law, who had had some experience in New York City, -wrote to a prominent practitioner in Arkansas to inquire what chance -there was in that section for such a one as he described himself to -be. He said: "I am a Republican in politics, and an honest young -lawyer." The reply that came seemed encouraging in its interest: "If -you are a Republican the game laws here will protect you, and if you -are an honest lawyer you will have no competition." - - * * * * * - -Brown--"Ah! they've just dropped the anchor." - -Mrs. B.--"And served 'em right! It's been dangling outside all the -morning!" - - * * * * * - -As the immaculate young woman and the tired but happy-looking young -man entered the Pullman, followed by a grinning porter, the other -passengers became "wise" in a moment. The stout drummer leaned over to -the man behind him and remarked: - -"Bride and groom--100 to 1." - -Every one turned to view the newcomers, who had deposited themselves -vis--vis in No. 4. As if unconscious of any scrutiny, the young man -said, in a high, nasal voice: - -"Well, do as you like about it; either increase the margin or let it -go. You didn't follow my advice in the first place, but if you want to -pull out, you'd better do it now." - -"Oh, I know," the woman replied. "What's the use of going all over it -again?" - -"Huh!" said the stout man's companion. "Guess you lose. Been playing -the market. Not much bride and groom talk in that." - -The rest of the passengers sniffed and then turned their backs on the -new couple. Whereat the young man smiled at the young woman, and they -softly joined hands as he whispered: - -"Millicent, dear, my shoes are full of rice." - - * * * * * - -A Short time ago an old lady went on board Nelson's flag-ship, the -_Victory_. The different objects of interest were duly shown her, and -on reaching the spot where the great naval hero was wounded (which is -marked by a raised brass plate), the officer remarked: "Here Nelson -fell." "And no wonder!" exclaimed the old lady; "I nearly fell there -myself." - - * * * * * - -A Good Samaritan, passing an apartment-house in the small hours of the -morning, noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway. - -"What's the matter?" he asked. "Drunk?" - -"Yep." - -"Do you live in this house?" - -"Yep." - -"Do you want me to help you upstairs?" - -"Yep." - -With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping figure -up the stairway to the second floor. - -"What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?" - -"Yep." - -Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for a -companion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door he -came to and pushed the limp figure in. - -The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was passing -through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of -another man, apparently in worse condition than the first one. - -"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?" - -"Yep," was the feeble reply. - -"Do you live in this house, too?" - -"Yep." - -"Shall I help you upstairs?" - -"Yep." - -Stopping on the second floor, where this man also said he lived, he -opened the door and pushed him in. As he again reached the front door -he discerned the shadow of a third man, evidently worse off than -either of the other two. He was about to approach him when the object -of his solicitude lurched out into the street and threw himself into -the arms of a passing policeman. "For Heaven's sake, off'cer," he -gasped, "protect me from that man. He's done nothin' all night long -but carry me upstairs 'n' throw me down th' elevator shaf'." - - * * * * * - -Husband comes in to find his wife turning everything topsy-turvy. - -"Good gracious! Isabel, what are you doing?" - -"I just received a telegram from Aunt Jane saying she'll be here at -6.30 and I can't find her photograph anywhere." - - * * * * * - -At the school at which the writer was educated there was a certain -assistant master who invariably "put his foot in it" when he got the -chance. On one occasion, being exasperated by the conduct of a boy, he -turned to him and said, "Look here, X., I'll take care that you won't -be the biggest fool in the class as long as I'm here." - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Barron was one of the new "summer folk," and not acquainted with -the vernacular. Consequently, she was somewhat surprised, upon sending -an order for a roast of lamb to the nearest butcher, to receive the -following note in reply: "Dear Mam. I am sorry I have not killed -myself this week, but I can get you a leg off my brother (the butcher -at the farther end of the town). He's full up of what you want. I seen -him last night with five legs. Yours respectful. George Gunton." - - * * * * * - -An artist employed in repairing the properties of an old church in -Belgium, being refused payment in a lump sum, was asked for details, -and sent in his bill as follows:- - - 1. Corrected the Ten Commandments, 1 10 0 - - 2. Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a ribbon in - his bonnet, 0 8 1 - - 3. Put a New Tail on the Rooster of St. Peter - and mended his Comb, 0 12 0 - - 4. Re-plumed and Gilded the Left Wing of the - Guardian Angel, 0 15 6 - - 5. Washed the Servant of the High Priest and - put carmine on his cheek, 0 1 0 - - 6. Renewed Heaven, adjusted two Stars, and - cleaned the Moon, 1 16 0 - - 7. Re-animated the Flames of Purgatory and restored - Souls, 6 7 0 - - 8. Revived the Flames of Hell, put a New Tail - on the Devil, mended his left hoof, and did - several jobs for the damned, 1 16 6 - - 9. Re-bordering the Robe of Herod and re-adjusting - his Wig, 0 17 3 - - 10. Put new Spotted Dashes on the Son of Tobias - and dressing on his sack 0 7 6 - - 11. Cleaned the Ears of Balaam's Ass and shod - him, 0 9 0 - - 12. Put Earrings in the Ears of Sarah, 0 9 2 - - 13. Put a New Stone in David's Sling, enlarged - the Head of Goliath, and extended his Legs, 0 8 8 - - 14. Decorated Noah's Ark, 0 17 6 - - 15. Mended the Shirt of the Prodigal Son and - cleaned his ears, 0 15 3 - - --_P. Sylvester, Summerfield, Warham_ -------- - _Road, Croydon._ 17 10 5 - - * * * * * - -Shortly after two o'clock one bitter winter morning a physician drove -four miles in answer to a telephone call. On his arrival the man who -had summoned him said: - -"Doctor, I ain't in any particular pain, but somehow or other I've got -a feeling that death is nigh." - -The doctor felt the man's pulse and listened to his heart. - -"Have you made your will?" - -The man turned pale. - -"Why, no, doctor, at my age--oh, Doc, it ain't true is it? It can't be -true!" - -"Who's your lawyer?" - -"Higginbotham." - -"Well, you'd better send for him at once." - -The patient, white and trembling, went to the 'phone. - -"Who's your pastor?" continued the doctor. - -"The Rev. Kellogg M. Brown," mumbled the patient. "But, doctor, do you -think--" - -"Send for him immediately. Your father, too, should be summoned; also -your--" - -"Say, doctor, do you really think I'm going to die?" The man began to -blubber softly. - -The doctor looked at him hard. - -"No, I don't," he replied grimly. "There's nothing at all the matter -with you. But I'd hate to be the only man you've made a fool of on a -night like this." - - * * * * * - -Dr. L. E. Wilson, a wealthy young Baltimore physician, was awakened -one stormy night by a man who declared the doctor's services were -wanted three miles out in the country. Just before the doctor called -up the stable for his horse, the visitor asked what the charge would -be. "Three dollars," was the reply. When the house containing the -supposed patient was reached, the man alighted first, and, handing the -doctor three dollars, remarked: "That will be all, doctor. I couldn't -find a hackman who would do it for less than six dollars." - - * * * * * - -A certain prosy preacher recently gave an endless discourse on the -prophets. First he dwelt at length on the minor prophets. At last he -finished them, and the congregation gave a sigh of relief. He took a -long breath and continued: "Now I shall proceed to the major -prophets." - -After the major prophets had received more than ample attention the -congregation gave another sigh of relief. - -"Now that I have finished with the minor prophets and the major -prophets, what about Jeremiah? Where is Jeremiah's place?" - -At this point a tall man arose in the back of the church. "Jeremiah -can have my place," he said; "I'm going home." - - * * * * * - -Any one who has traveled on the New York subway in rush hours can -easily appreciate the following: - -A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought of -pickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some money -in his overcoat. He plunged his hand into his pocket and was somewhat -shocked upon encountering the fist of a fat fellow-passenger. - -"Aha" snorted the latter. "I caught you that time!" - -"Leggo!" snarled the little man. "Leggo my hand!" - -"Pickpocket!" hissed the fat man. - -"Scoundrel!" retorted the little one. - -Just then a tall man in their vicinity glanced up from his paper. - -"I'd like to get off here," he drawled, "if you fellows don't mind -taking your hands out of my pocket." - - * * * * * - -Aunt Mahaly, an old negress with a worthless husband, was relating her -troubles to her minister. The usual condolences were offered by the -latter and remedies suggested, but at each one Aunt Mahaly shook a -doubting head--she had tried them all without avail. - -The minister sighed and pondered, and at last had an inspiration. He -leaned to Aunt Mahaly, who brightened visibly. - -"Sis' Mahaly," he said, "hab you eber tried heapin' coals er fire on -his haid?" - -The gleam of hope faded from Aunt Mahaly's face. - -"No, Bre'r Jackson, I ain't never done dat, but I's tried po'in' hot -water ovuh him." - - * * * * * - -A barber in South Bend, having been out late the night before, had a -shaky hand the next morning and cut a patron's cheek four times. After -each accident the barber said, as he sponged away the blood: "Oh, dear -me, how careless!" - -The patron took all these gashes in grave silence. But when the shave -was over he filled a glass at the water-cooler, took a mouthful of -water, and, with compressed lips, proceeded to shake his head from -side to side. - -"What is the matter?" the barber asked. "You ain't got the toothache, -have you?" - -"No," said the customer; "I only wanted to see if my mouth would still -hold water without leaking." - - * * * * * - -At one of the lectures by Professor George Kirchwey, dean of Columbia -Law College, New York, the students were uneasy. There was something -wrong in the air. Books were dropped, chairs were pushed along the -floor. There were various interruptions. The nerves of all were on -edge. The members of the class kept their eyes on the clock and -awaited the conclusion of the hour of the lecture. The clock beat -Professor Kirchwey by perhaps a minute, but at the expiration of the -schedule time the students started to their feet and prepared to -leave. "Wait a minute," objected Professor Kirchwey; "don't go just -yet. I have a few more pearls to cast." - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Flint _always_ demanded instant and unquestioning obedience from -her children. One afternoon a storm came up and she sent her son John -to close the trapdoor leading to the roof. - -"But mother--" said John. - -"John, I told you to shut the trapdoor." - -"Yes, but, Mother--" - -"John, shut that trapdoor." - -"All right, Mother, if you say so, but--" - -"John!" - -John slowly climbed the stairs and shut the trapdoor. The storm howled -and raged. Two hours later the family gathered for tea. When the meal -was half over Aunt Mary had not appeared, and Mrs. Flint started an -investigation. She did not have to ask many questions; John answered -the first one: - -"Please, Mother, she is up on the roof." - - * * * * * - -An absent-minded scientist, in the employ of the government at -Washington, recently met his physician in the street. - -"I don't know what's the matter with me, Doctor," said the man of -science. "I am limping badly to-day. Do you think it's locomotor -ataxia?" - -"Scarcely that," replied the physician. "You are walking with one foot -on the curb and the other in the gutter." - - * * * * * - -One Sunday John Wanamaker visited the Sunday-school classes in which -he was greatly interested, and after talking the lesson over told the -pupils he would try to answer any questions the boys or girls wanted -to ask him. - -One little girl raised her hand, and spoke out timidly: "Will you -please tell me, Mr. Wanamaker, how much those large French dolls are -that you have in your show-window?" - - * * * * * - -Judge--"Have you been arrested before?" - -Prisoner--"No, sir." - -Judge--"Have you been in this court before?" - -Prisoner--"No, sir." - -Judge--"Are you certain?" - -Prisoner--"I am, sir." - -Judge--"But your face looks decidedly familiar. Where have I seen it -before?" - -Prisoner--"I'm the bartender in the saloon across the way, sir." - - * * * * * - -Henry Guy Carleton, wit, journalist, and playwright, has an impediment -in his speech about which he is not in the least sensitive. Meeting -Nat Goodwin one day he asked: - -"G-g-goodwin, c-c-an you g-g-give m-m-me f-f-fifteen m-m-minutes?" - -"Certainly," replied the comedian, "what is it?" - -"I w-w-want to have f-f-five m-m-minutes' c-c-conversation with you." - - * * * * * - -A German pedler rapped timidly at the kitchen entrance. Mrs. Kelly, -angry at being interrupted in her washing, flung open the door and -glowered at him. - -"Did yez wish to see me?" she demanded in threatening tones. - -The pedler backed off a few steps. - -"Vell, if I did," he assured her with an apologetic grin, "I got my -vish, thank you." - - * * * * * - -A lady from South America possessed of a decidedly quick temper came -to New York with a very incomplete knowledge of the English language. -At her hotel she rang for the chambermaid. But a waiter came instead. -Having ascertained that the name of the chambermaid was Susan, the -lady marshaled her meager knowledge of English in a desperate effort -to make the waiter understand that he should call the chambermaid. -What she said to him, however, was: - -"Call me Susan!" - -The waiter leaned against the wall much alarmed. - -"Call me Susan!" shouted the South American. - -The waiter became appalled. - -"Call me Susan!" roared the lady, her eyes flashing furiously. - -"Susan, then--if you will have it!" exclaimed the poor waiter. Then he -fled precipitately. - - * * * * * - -"Please, mum," began the aged hero in appealing tones, as he stood at -the kitchen-door on washday, "I've lost my leg--" - -"Well, I ain't got it," snapped the woman, slamming the door. - - * * * * * - -In the absence of the regularly appointed spokesman, Mr. Makinbrakes -had reluctantly consented to make a presentation speech. - -"Miss Higham," he said, "unfortunately it is my--er--fortunate lot to -fulfill the embarrassing--the pleasant duty of--of inflicting a few -remarks upon this occasion--which is highly appreciated, I assure you, -and by none more so than myself, for the reason that--in short, as I -may say, it falls to my lot to convey, so to speak, the assurances -of--that is, with the assurances of those to whom--to whom I have -occasion to refer to--more or less--in this connection, together with -the best wishes, if I may so express myself, of those who have clubbed -together--who have associated themselves--not that you need anything -of the kind, of course, but as a token of--as a token of--of--with -which few remarks, Miss Higham, it is my--my pleasant surprise to hand -you this gold watch and chain. I--I thank you." - - * * * * * - -The reputed affinity between the Southern negro and unguarded poultry -is the subject of a story told by Senator Bacon, of Georgia. An old -colored man, notorious for his evil ways, after attending a revival -meeting, desired to lead a better life. At a later meeting he was -called up to be questioned. - -"Well, Rastus," said the revivalist, "I hope you are now trying to -live a Christian life in accordance with the rules of the Church. Have -you been stealing any chickens lately?" - -"No, sah! I ain't stole no chicken ob late." - -"Any turkeys or pigs?" - -Rastus, grieved, replied: "No, sah!" - -"I am very glad to hear that you have been doing better lately," -replied the evangelist. "Continue to lead a holy and Christian life, -Rastus." - -After the meeting was over, Rastus drew a long breath of relief, and -turning to his wife exclaimed: - -"Mandy, if he'd said ducks I'd been a lost nigger, suah!" - - * * * * * - -The late Moses Coit Tyler, so long Professor of History in Cornell, -was at one time a popular professor in the University of Michigan. One -raw February morning as he was calling the roll of an 8 o'clock class -in English, he called "Mr. Robbins," and receiving no answer called -again: "Mr. Robbins?" Still no reply. "Ah," said Professor Tyler, -looking around upon the class in his inimitable manner, "it is rather -early for robins." - - * * * * * - -He--"Isn't dinner ready yet?" - -She--"No, dear. I got it according to the time you set the clock when -you came in last night, and dinner will be ready in four hours." - - * * * * * - -A foreigner, meeting an American friend, said to him, "How are you?" -The latter replied, "Out of sight." - -The man considered this very clever, and decided to use the expression -on the next occasion. Shortly after he was met by a friend, who asked, -"How are you?" With visible pride he answered, "You don't see me." - - * * * * * - -There is a clerk in the employ of a Philadelphia business man who, -while a fair worker, is yet an individual of pronounced eccentricity. - -One day a wire basket fell off the top of the clerk's desk and -scratched his cheek. Not having any court plaster at hand, he slapped -on three two-cent postage stamps and continued his work. - -A few minutes later he had occasion to take some papers to his -employer's private office. When he entered, the "old man" observing -the postage stamps on his cheek fixed him with an astonished stare. -"Look here, Jenkins!" he exclaimed. "You are carrying too much postage -for second-class matter!" - - * * * * * - -"I suppose," said the facetious stranger, watching a workman spread a -carpet from the church door to the curb, "that's the high road to -heaven you're fixing there?" - -"No," replied the man; "this is merely a bridal path." - - * * * * * - -"I hope my little Tommy has taken to heart mama's talk of last night -about charity and usefulness," said a fond mother. "How many acts of -kindness has he done? How many hearts has my Tommy made grateful and -glad?" - -Her Tommy replied: - -"I've done a lot of good, ma; I gave your new hat to a beggar woman, -and I gave the cook's shoes to a little girl in busted rubbers what I -seen on the street, and I gave a poor, lame shoe-string seller pa's -black suit, the open front one that he hardly ever wears." - - * * * * * - -Charles Francis Adams was escorting a literary friend about Boston. -They were viewing the different objects of attraction and finally came -to Bunker Hill. They stood looking at the splendid monument when -Adams remarked: "This is the place, sir, where Warren fell." - -"Ah!" replied the Englishman, evidently not very familiar with -American history. "Was he seriously hurt by his fall?" - -Mr. Adams looked at his friend. "Hurt!" said he. "He was killed, sir." - -"Ah, indeed," the Englishman replied, still eying the monument and -commencing to compute its height in his own mind. "Well, I should -think he might have been--falling so far." - - * * * * * - -"Darling," said his bride, "I had a terrible feeling of sadness come -over me this afternoon--a sort of feeling that you were doing -something that would break my heart if I knew of it. Think, sweet, -what were you doing this afternoon at four o'clock?" - -"Dearest," replied her husband, tenderly and reassuringly, "at that -hour I was licking stamps and pasting them on envelopes." - - * * * * * - -A few years ago a dear old lady, who formerly lived in Ipswich, and -was a relative of the poet Whittier, had occasion to go on a journey -which necessitated a night's ride in a sleeping car. Being subject to -attacks of acute indigestion, she took the precaution to place a few -leaves of the commercial mustard plaster in her hand bag. - -During the night, pains, either real or imaginary, warned her of -trouble and prevented sleep. Deciding upon the application of a -plaster, she reached in the dark for the hand bag, and, having -secured it, proceeded to put one of the leaves where it would do the -most good, and immediately felt comforted and enjoyed a refreshing -sleep until morning. - -Upon removing the plaster, what was her astonishment to find that it -was a $10 bank note that had brought such speedy relief. - - * * * * * - -Beerbohm Tree was once endeavoring to get a well-known actor back into -his company. He invited the man to call and received him in his -dressing room as he was making-up. "How much would you want to come -back to me?" inquired Mr. Tree, busy with his paint pots. The other -named an exorbitant salary to which Tree merely retorted as he went on -making up: "Don't slam the door when you go out, will you?" - - * * * * * - -"Oh, mama," she cried, rushing into her mother's room, and flinging -her arms around her mother's neck, "He loves me! He loves me!" - -"My dear child, I'm so glad! Has he told you? Has he asked you to be -his wife?" - -"No, but he's down in the library learning to play chess with papa." - - * * * * * - -"If I had only known that this pleasure was in store for me," said the -doctor, as he shook hands cordially with his wife's cousins, "I should -certainly have arranged my business so as to be home earlier." - -"Why, pa," piped up little Tommy, "don't you remember that ma told -you they were coming, and you said, 'Oh, the devil!'" - - * * * * * - -A minister of a fashionable church had always left the greeting of -strangers to be attended to by the ushers until he read some newspaper -articles in reference to the matter. - -"Suppose a representative should visit our church," said his wife. -"Wouldn't it be awful?" - -"It would," the minister admitted. - -The following Sunday evening he noticed a plainly dressed woman in one -of the free pews. She sat alone and was clearly not a member of the -flock. After the benediction the minister hastened and intercepted her -at the door. - -"How do you do?" he said, offering his hand. "I am very glad to have -you with us." - -"Thank you," replied the young woman. - -"I hope we may see you often in our church home," he went on. "We are -always glad to welcome new faces." - -"Yes, sir." - -"Do you live in this parish?" he asked. - -The girl looked blank. - -"If you will give me your address my wife and I will call on you some -evening." - -"You wouldn't need to go far, sir," said the young woman. "I'm your -cook." - - * * * * * - -The mission-workers on the East Side frequently see the humorous as -well as the sadder side of life. A man prominent in reform work in -New York City recounts the experience of a certain young woman, new to -the task, who set about posting herself as to conditions in a -neighborhood near Avenue A. - -The ambitious missionary had entered the house of an Irishwoman, and -had made some preliminary inquiries, when she was suddenly interrupted -by the woman, who said: - -"Say, youse is fresh at dis business, ain't youse?" - -The amateur in mission work blushingly admitted such to be the case, -adding, "I have never visited you before, Mrs. Muldoon." - -"Thin," explained the Irishwoman, "I tell ye what to do. Ye sit down -in that chair there, ye read me a short psalm, ye gives me fifty -cints, an' thin ye goes." - - * * * * * - -The following conversation was overheard during a hunting trip in -Scotland: - -Fitz--"I say, are all your beaters out of the wood?" - -Keeper--"Yes, sir." - -Fitz--"Are you sure?" - -Keeper--"Yes, sir." - -Fitz--"Have you counted them?" - -Keeper--"No, sir; but I know they're all right." - -Fitz--"Then I've shot a deer!" - - * * * * * - -Joe--"I love you; I love you. Won't you be my wife?" - -Jess--"You must see mama first." - -Joe--"I have seen her several times, but I love you just the same." - - * * * * * - -Long after the victories of Washington over the French and English had -made his name familiar to all Europe, Benjamin Franklin chanced to -dine with the English and French Ambassadors, when the following -toasts were drunk: - -"'England'--The Sun, whose bright beams enlighten and fructify the -remotest corners of the earth." - -The French Ambassador, filled with national pride, but too polite to -dispute the previous toast, offered the following: - -"'France'--The Moon, whose mild, steady and cheering rays are the -delight of all nations, consoling them in darkness and making their -dreariness beautiful." - -Doctor Franklin then arose, and, with his usual dignified simplicity, -said: - -"'George Washington'--The Joshua who commanded the Sun and Moon to -stand still, and they obeyed him." - - * * * * * - -The following appeal of a Western editor is still going the rounds, -although it is to be hoped that by this time the writer's only trouble -is in having his vest made large enough: - -"We see by an esteemed contemporary that a young lady in Chicago is so -particular that she kneads bread with her gloves on. What of that? The -editor of this paper needs bread with his coat on; he needs bread with -his trousers on; in fact he needs bread with all of his clothes on. -And if some of his debtors don't pay up pretty quick he'll need bread -without anything at all on, and this Western climate is no Garden of -Eden." - - * * * * * - -The unconscious humors of country journalism, says William Allen -White, are often more amusing than the best efforts of the alleged -"funny man." - -According to Mr. White there once appeared in a Kansas paper the -following "personal notice": - -"Our prominent townsman Theodore Monkton is seriously ill. He is being -attended twice a day by Doctor Smith, in consultation with Doctor -Morgan. His recovery, therefore, is in great doubt." - - * * * * * - -A crowd of small boys were gathered about the entrance of a circus -tent in one of the small cities in New Hampshire one day, trying to -get a glimpse of the interior. A man standing near watched them for a -few moments, then walking up to the ticket-taker he said: - -"Let all these boys in, and count them as they pass." - -The man did as requested, and when the last one had gone, he turned -and said, "Twenty-eight." - -"Good!" said the man, "I guessed just right," and walked off. - - * * * * * - -The editor of a rural newspaper determined to adopt the idea of -posting bulletins on a bulletin board for all important events that -happened in the town. Soon afterward he was told one morning by the -local physician that Deacon Jones was seriously ill. The deacon was a -man of some distinction in the community, so the editor posted a -series of bulletins as follows: - -10 A. M.--Deacon Jones no better. - -11 A. M.--Deacon Jones has relapse. - -12.30 P. M.--Deacon Jones weaker. Pulse failing. - -1 P. M.--Deacon Jones has slight rally. - -2.15 P. M.--Deacon Jones's family has been summoned. - -3.10 P. M.--Deacon Jones has died and gone to heaven. - -Later in the afternoon a traveling salesman happened by, stopped to -read the bulletins, and going to the bulletin board, made another -report concerning the deceased. It was: - -4.10 P. M.--Great excitement in heaven. Deacon Jones has not yet -arrived. - - * * * * * - -A group of drummers were trading yarns on the subject of hospitality, -when one, a little Virginian with humorous eyes and a delightful -drawl, took up his parable thus: - -"I was down in Louisiana last month, travelin' 'cross country with a -friend, when we kinder got lost in a mighty lonesome sort of road just -about dark. We rode along a right good piece after sundown, and when -we saw a light ahead, I tell you it looked first-rate. We drove up to -the light, finding 'twas a house, and when I hollered like a lost calf -the man came out and we asked him to take us in for the night. He -looked at us mighty hard, then said: - -"'Wal, I reckon I kin stand it if you kin.' - -"So we went in and found 'twas only a two-room shanty, just swarmin' -with children. He had six, from four to eleven years old; as there -didn't seem to be but one bed, me an' Stony wondered what in thunder -would become of us. - -"They gave us supper, good hog and hominy, the best they had, and then -the old woman put the two youngest kids to bed. They went straight to -sleep. Then she took those out, laid them over in the corner, put the -next two to bed, and so on. - -"After all the children were asleep on the floor the old folk went in -the other room and told us we could go to bed if we wanted to, and -bein' powerful tired out, we did. - -"Well, sir, the next morning when we woke up we were lying over in the -corner with the kids, and the old man and the old woman had the bed." - - * * * * * - -"Waiter, what have you got?" said May Irwin in one of her plays. - -"Well, I've got pig's feet--" - -"Never mind telling me your troubles, I want to know what you've got -to eat?" - - * * * * * - -As every one knows, the great Von Moltke never wasted words and -despised anything that approached garrulity in others. German army -officers are fond of telling an anecdote illustrative of this -peculiarity: - -Von Moltke was leaving Berlin on a railway journey. Just before the -train pulled out of the station a captain of hussars entered the -general's compartment and, recognizing him, saluted with "Guten -Morgen, Excellenz!" - -Two hours later the train slowed up at a way station. The captain -arose, saluted, and with another "Guten Morgen, Excellenz!" left the -train. - -Turning to one of his companions, Von Moltke said, with an expression -of the greatest disgust, "Intolerable gas-bag!" - - * * * * * - -A gentleman gave a large dinner party in Dublin once and invited Mr. -O'Connor, one of the wittiest men in the Emerald Isle, to amuse and -divert his guests. Mr. O'Connor accepted the invitation with pleasure. -But from the beginning to the end of dinner he preserved a solemn and -serious face. The host thought this very strange, and just before -rising from the table remarked to him jestingly, "Why, O'Connor, old -fellow, I don't believe the biggest fool in Ireland could make you -laugh to-night." Whereupon his guest answered in a solemn tone, -speaking his first word that evening, "Try." - - * * * * * - -Governor Guild of Massachusetts, who served in the Spanish War, tells -a story of a New York regiment, many of whose members were recruited -on the East Side. They were spoiling for a fight, and it became -necessary to post a sentry to preserve order. - -A big husky Bowery recruit, of pugilistic propensities, was put on -guard outside, and given special orders to see that quiet reigned, and -above all things, if trouble came his way, not to lose possession of -his rifle. - -Soon a general row began, growing in proportions as the minutes -passed. The soldier walked his post nervously, without interrupting, -until the corporal of the guard appeared on the scene with -reenforcements. - -"Why didn't you stop this row?" shouted the corporal. - -The sentry, balancing his rifle on his shoulder, raised his arms to -the correct boxing position, and replied: - -"Sure, phwat could I do wid this gun in me hands!" - - * * * * * - -A New Jersey man recently reached the conclusion that his -eight-year-old boy is a trifle too bright. - -At dinner one evening the father had been entertaining a number of -friends from Philadelphia with a funny story. This was at dessert. The -youngster had been very quiet throughout the previous courses; but -here he arose to the occasion in fine style. - -When the laughter induced by his father's humor had ceased, the boy, -with a fine affectation of delight, said: - -"Now, dad, _do_ tell the other one!" - - * * * * * - -The June bride frowned. - -"These tomatoes," she said, "are just twice as dear as those across -the street. Why is it?" - -"Ah, ma'am, these"--and the grocer smiled--"these are hand-picked." - -She blushed. - -"Of course," she said, hastily; "I might have known. Give me a bushel, -please." - - * * * * * - -Mistress--"Jane, I saw the milkman kiss you this morning. In the -future I will take the milk in." - -Jane--"'Twouldn't be no use, mum. He's promised never to kiss anybody -but me." - - * * * * * - -Not long ago a man was charged with shooting a number of pigeons, the -property of a farmer. In giving his evidence the farmer was -exceedingly careful, even nervous, and the solicitor for the defense -endeavored to frighten him. "Now," he remarked, "are you prepared to -swear that this man shot your pigeons?" "I didn't say he did shoot -'em," was the reply. "I said I suspected him o' doing it." "Ah! now -we're coming to it. What made you suspect that man?" "Well, firstly, I -caught him on my land wi' a gun. Secondly, I heerd a gun go off an' -saw some pigeons fall. Thirdly, I found four o' my pigeons in his -pocket--an' I don't think them birds flew there and committed -suicide." - - * * * * * - -"Mama, can't I go up to the next block and play with the Jones boys?" -asked Henry, a boy of six, who was being brought up very carefully. - -"No, indeed!" answered his mother. "They are very bad boys." - -"Then can't I go over to see Mrs. Smith's little girls?" - -"No, Henry; I'm afraid to let you go." - -The little fellow left the room; later, he stuck his head inside with, -"Say, mama, I'm going over next door an' play with the dog." - - * * * * * - -The Right Reverend Chauncey B. Brewster, D.D., Bishop of Connecticut, -tells a story which he says is Mrs. Brewster's favorite. It seems the -Bishop had caught a small boy stealing apples in his orchard; so, -after reproving him severely for some time, he said, "And now, my boy, -do you know why I tell you all this? There is One before whom even I -am a crawling worm; do you know who?" - -"Sure," replied the boy, promptly; "the missus." - - * * * * * - -A Bishop was once traveling third-class on a branch line in -Devonshire, England. At one of the stations a countryman got in. After -gazing at the Bishop's attire in a puzzled manner for some time, he -ventured the remark, "Be you a curate, sir?" - -"Well," said the Bishop meditatively, "I was once." - -"A-ah," said the rustic, a comprehensive smile overspreading his face, -"the drink, I suppose?" - - * * * * * - -A celebrated parson preached a rather long sermon from the text "Thou -art weighed and found wanting." After the congregation had listened -about an hour, some began to get weary and went out; others soon -followed, greatly to the annoyance of the minister. Another person was -about to retire when the minister stopped his sermon and said: -"That's right, gentlemen; as fast as you are weighed, pass out." - - * * * * * - -"Here, hold my horse a minute, will you?" - -"Sir! I'm a Member of Congress!" - -"Never mind. You look honest. I'll take a chance." - - * * * * * - -A red-faced man was holding the attention of a little group with some -wonderful recitals. - -"The most exciting chase I ever had," he said, "happened a few years -ago in Russia. One night, when sleighing about ten miles from my -destination I discovered, to my intense horror, that I was being -followed by a pack of wolves. I fired blindly into the pack, killing -one of the brutes, and to my delight saw the others stop to devour it. -After doing this, however, they still came on. I kept on repeating the -dose, with the same result, and each occasion gave me an opportunity -to whip up my horse. Finally there was only one wolf left, yet on it -came, with its fierce eyes glowing in anticipation of a good, hot -supper." - -Here the man who had been sitting in the corner burst forth into a fit -of laughter. - -"Why, man," said he, "by your way of reckoning that last wolf must -have had the rest of the pack inside him!" - -"Ah!" said the red-faced man without a tremor, "now I remember, it did -wobble a bit." - - * * * * * - -Frederic Remington, the illustrator, fresh from a Western trip on -which he had been making studies of Indians and cowpunchers and things -outdoors, met an art editor who insisted upon dragging him up to an -exhibition of very impressionistic pictures. - -"You don't seem enthusiastic," remarked the editor as they were coming -out. "Didn't you like them?" - -Remington, remembering what he had been told as a boy, counted ten -before replying. Then: - -"Like 'em? Say! I've got two maiden aunts in New Rochelle that can -_knit_ better pictures than those!" - - * * * * * - -The wife of General S. was doing some shopping one morning recently -when, coming out of a store, she noticed a small country wagon draw up -to the curb. In it sat a woman whom the lady recognized as a former -servant in the family who had lost her husband some two or three years -before. The woman was clad in deep mourning which had an air of -newness about it. Mrs. S. hastened to greet the woman. "How is this, -Bridget. I hope you haven't met with any recent bereavement?" - -"No, mem, not so racent--it's for poor Mike. I allus said _when_ I -could I would--and so I _am_!" - - * * * * * - -Those who know a certain Southern Senator will picture his ample -proportions when they read this story: - -While journeying through the South, he was very much annoyed one day -at the delay in getting food served in a certain _caf_. He had given -his order, and waited impatiently an unreasonable length of time, -when the waiter appeared and was evidently looking for some one who -must have gone out without waiting for his meal. - -When asked by the Senator whom he was looking for he replied. - -"A little boy who gave his order." - -The Senator replied: "I am that boy." - - * * * * * - -Jack's mother had been walking up and down the piazza with him -repeating Mother Goose. She began the "Solomon Grundy" one, going -through it rapidly without taking breath, ending laughingly: - - "Worse on Friday, - Died on Saturday, - Buried on Sunday, - And that was the end - Of Solomon Grundy." - -Jack took his thumb out of his mouth, looked reprovingly at his mother -and said: - -"Don't laugh, mama: that's _awful_." - - * * * * * - -"I'm a terror, I be," announced the new arrival in Frozen Dog to one -of the men behind the bar. - -"Be ye?" - -"Take three men to handle me, once I get started," he went on. - -"Oh, well," he remarked, as he arose painfully and dusted off his -clothes, "of course, if ye're short-handed, I suppose two kin do it on -a pinch." - - * * * * * - -David B. Hill, former Governor of and Senator from New York, has a -secluded hatter somewhere in the State who makes his high hats after -elaborate plans drawn by Mr. Hill many years ago, and not changed -since. - -One night Governor Odell, of New York, was giving a reception in -Albany, and President Roosevelt, then elected Vice-President, met Mr. -Hill on the steps of the New York Executive mansion. - -Roosevelt wore a black rough-rider hat and Hill had one of his -peculiar sky-pieces. - -"Senator," said Roosevelt, "you should wear a hat like this one that I -have on. They are much easier on the head, preserve the hair and are -altogether better than silk ones." - -Mr. Hill looked at the coming Vice-President. "My dear sir," he said, -"I haven't worn a hat like that since I went out of the show -business." - - * * * * * - -A negress was brought before a magistrate charged with cruelly -treating her child. Evidence was clear that she had severely beaten -the youngster, who was in court to exhibit his marks and bruises. -Before imposing sentence the magistrate asked the woman if she had -anything to say. "Kin Ah ask yo' honah a question?" His honor nodded. -"Well, yo' honah, I'd like to ask yo' whether yo' was ever the father -of a puffectly wuthless culled chile?" - - * * * * * - -A member of an eminent St. Louis law firm went to Chicago to consult a -client. When he arrived he found that he had unaccountably forgotten -the client's name. He telegraphed his partner, "What is our client's -name?" The answer read, "Brown, Walter E. Yours is Allen, William B." - - * * * * * - -A traveling man stopped at an Indiana hotel. The proprietor told him -he had not a room in the house. The man said he must have a room. -Finally the proprietor told him there was a room, a little room -separated by a thin partition from a nervous man who had lived in the -house for ten years. - -"He is so nervous," said the landlord, "I don't dare put any one in -that room. The least noise might give him a nervous spell that would -endanger his life." - -"Oh, give me a room," said the traveler. "I'll be so quiet he'll not -know I'm there." - -The room was given the traveler. He slipped in noiselessly and began -to disrobe. He took off one article of clothing after another as -quietly as a burglar. At last he came to his shoes. He unlaced a shoe -and dropped it. - -The shoe fell to the floor with a great noise. The offending traveler, -horrified at what he had done, waited to hear from the nervous man. -Not a sound. He took off the second shoe and placed it noiselessly -upon the floor; then in absolute silence finished undressing and -crawled between the sheets. - -Half an hour went by. He had dropped into a doze when there came a -tremendous knocking on the partition. - -The traveler sat up in bed trembling and dismayed. "Wh-wha-what's the -matter?" he asked. - -Then came the voice of the nervous man: - -"Hang you! Drop that other shoe, will you?" - - * * * * * - -There was once an Irishman, who sought employment as a diver, bringing -with him his native enthusiasm and a certain amount of experience. -Although he had never been beneath the water, he had crossed an ocean -of one variety and swallowed nearly an ocean of another. But he had -the Hibernian smile, which is convincing, and the firm chanced to need -a new man. And so on the following Monday morning Pat hid his smile -for the first time in a diving helmet. - -Now, the job upon which the crew to which Pat had attached himself was -working in comparatively shallow water, and Pat was provided with a -pick and told to use it on a ledge below in a manner with which he was -already familiar. - -Down he went with his pick, and for about fifteen minutes nothing was -heard from him. Then came a strong, determined, deliberate pull on the -signal rope, indicating that Pat had a very decided wish to come to -the top. The assistants pulled him hastily to the raft and removed his -helmet. - -"Take off the rest of it," said Pat. - -"Take off the rest of it?" - -"Yis," said Pat, "Oi'll worruk no longer in a dark place where Oi -can't spit on me hands." - - * * * * * - -On the first day that a young man began his duties as reporter on a -popular paper a report came from a near-by town that there was a -terrible fire raging. The editor of the paper immediately sent the -new reporter to the place, and, upon arriving there, he found that the -firemen were unable to get control of the fire, so he sent this -telegram to the editor: "Fire still raging. What shall I do?" The -editor was so mad that he wired back at once: "Find out where the fire -is the hottest and jump in." - - * * * * * - -"One day," related Denny to his friend Jerry, "when Oi had wandered -too far inland on me shore leave Oi suddenly found thot there was a -great big haythen, tin feet tall, chasin' me wid a knife as long as -yer ar-rm. Oi took to me heels an' for fifty miles along the road we -had it nip an' tuck. Thin Oi turned into the woods an' we run for one -hundhred an' twinty miles more, wid him gainin' on me steadily, owin' -to his knowledge of the counthry. Finally, just as Oi could feel his -hot breath burnin' on the back of me neck, we came to a big lake. Wid -one great leap Oi landed safe on the opposite shore, leavin' me -pursuer confounded and impotent wid rage." - -"Faith an' thot was no great jump," commented Jerry, "considerin' the -runnin' sthart ye had." - - * * * * * - -Quite recently an old friend of the Browns went to see them at their -new country home. As he approached the house a large dog ran out to -the gate and began barking at him through the fence. - -As he hesitated about opening the gate, Brown's wife came to the door -and exclaimed: "How do you do! Come right in. Don't mind the dog." - -"But won't he bite?" exclaimed the friend, not anxious to meet the -canine without some assurance of his personal safety. - -"That's just what I want to find out," exclaimed Mrs. Brown. "I just -bought him this morning." - - * * * * * - -The late Julian Ralph, one of the most gifted newspaper men of his -generation, while being shaved one day, was forced to listen to many -of the barber's anecdotes. - -Stopping to strop his razor, and prepared, with brush in hand to -recommence, he said, "Shall I go over it again?" - -"No, thanks," drawled Ralph, "It's hardly necessary. I think I can -remember every word." - - * * * * * - -The following is a typical Ian Maclaren story: - -"Who had this place last year?" asked a Southern shooting tenant of -his keeper. - -"Well," said Donald, "I'm not denyin' that he wass an Englishman, but -he wass a good man whatever. Oh, yess, he went to kirk and he shot -very well, but he wass narrow, very narrow." - -"Narrow," said the other in amazement, for he supposed he meant -bigoted, and the charge was generally the other way about. "What was -he narrow in?" - -"Well," said Donald, "I will be tellin' you, and it wass this way. The -twelfth [the beginning of the grouse shooting] wass a very good day, -and we had fifty-two brace. But it wass warm, oh! yess, very warm, and -when we came back to the Lodge, the gentleman will say to me, 'It is -warm.' and I will not be contradicting him. Then he will be saying, -'Maybe you are thirsty,' and I will not be contradicting him. -Afterwards he will take out his flask and be speaking about a dram. I -will not be contradicting him, but will just say, 'Toots, toots.' Then -he will be pouring it out, and when the glass wass maybe half-full I -will say, just for politeness, 'Stop.' And he stopped. Oh! yess, a -very narrow man." - - * * * * * - -Mark Twain as a humorist is no respecter of persons, and a story is -told of him and Bishop Doane which is worth repeating. It occurred -when Mark Twain was living in Hartford, where Mr. Doane was then -rector of an Episcopal church. Twain had listened to one of the -doctor's best sermons, on Sunday morning, when he approached him and -said politely: "I have enjoyed your sermon this morning. I welcomed it -as I would an old friend. I have a book in my library that contains -every word of it." "Impossible, sir," replied the rector, indignantly. -"Not at all. I assure you it is true," said Twain. "Then I shall -trouble you to send me that book," rejoined the rector with dignity. -The next morning Dr. Doane received, with Mark Twain's compliments, a -dictionary. - - * * * * * - -A friend of Mark Twain's tells of an amusing incident in connection -with the first meeting between the humorist and the late James McNeil -Whistler, the artist. - -The friend having facetiously warned Clemens that the painter was a -confirmed joker, Mark solemnly averred that he would get the better of -Whistler should the latter attempt "any funny business." Furthermore, -Twain determined to anticipate Whistler, if possible. - -So, when the two had been introduced, which event took place in -Whistler's studio, Clemens, assuming an air of hopeless stupidity, -approached a just-completed painting, and said: - -"Not at all bad, Mr. Whistler, not at all bad. Only," he added, -reflectively, with a motion as if to rub out a cloud effect, "if I -were you I'd do away with that cloud." - -"Great Heavens, sir!" exclaimed Whistler, almost beside himself. "Do -be careful not to touch that; the paint is not yet dry!" - -"Oh, I don't mind that," responded Twain, with an air of perfect -nonchalance; "I am wearing gloves." - - * * * * * - -This is a story of Italian revenge. A vender of plaster statuettes saw -a chance for a sale in a well-dressed, bibulous man who was tacking -down the street. - -"You buy-a de statuette?" he asked, alluringly holding out his -choicest offering. "Gar-r-ribaldi--I sell-a him verra cheep. De -gr-reat-a Gar-r-ribaldi--only thirta cents!" - -"Oh, t'ell with Garibaldi," said the bibulous one, making a swipe with -his arm that sent Garibaldi crashing to the sidewalk. - -For a moment the Italian regarded the fragments. Then, his eyes -flashing fire, he seized from his stock a statuette of George -Washington. "You t'ell-a with my Gar-r-ribaldi?" he hissed between his -teeth. "So." He raised the immortal George high above his head -and--crash! it flew into fragments alongside of the ill-fated -Garibaldi. "Ha! I to hell-a wid your George-a Wash! Ha, ha!" - - * * * * * - -Patrick arrived home much the worse for wear. One eye was closed, his -nose was broken, and his face looked as though it had been stung by -bees. - -"Glory be!" exclaimed his wife. - -"Thot Dutchman Schwartzheimer--'twas him," explained Patrick. - -"Shame on ye!" exploded his wife without sympathy. "A big shpalpeen -the loikes of you to get bate up by a little omadhoun of a Dootchman -the size of him! Why--" - -"Whist, Nora," said Patrick, "don't spake disrespectfully of the -dead!" - - * * * * * - -One day a teacher in a kindergarten school in New York, preparatory to -giving out an exercise said, "Now children I want you all to be very -quiet, so quiet that you could hear a pin drop." Everything had -quieted down nicely and the teacher was about to speak when a little -voice in the rear of the room said, "Go ahead, teacher, and let her -drop." - - * * * * * - -It appears that the late Senator John T. Morgan, who was quite -near-sighted, while at dessert one evening in a hotel at Hot Springs, -Virginia, experienced considerable difficulty in separating from the -plate passed him by the colored waiter what he thought was a chocolate -eclair. It stuck fast, so Senator Morgan pushed his fork quite under -it, and tried again and again to pry it up. - -Suddenly he became aware that his friends at the table were convulsed -with laughter, which much mystified him. But his surprise was even -greater when the waiter quietly remarked: - -"Pardon me, Senator, but that's my thumb!" - - * * * * * - -A doctor named Brown had been the adorer for many years of a Miss -White. Unluckily his ardent love was not reciprocated. He had a -reputation for ready wit and did not allow even his unfortunate love -affair to stand in the way of his exercising it. One night over a -glass of wine in the club the good doctor frequented a wag remarked, -"What do you say, doctor, to my giving the toast of Miss White, your -old flame?" "You may, and you'll not do any harm either to her or to -me by toasting her as often as you please, for I've toasted her all -these years and there are still no symptoms of her turning Brown." - - * * * * * - -Minister (who struggles to exist on $600 a year with wife and six -children)--"We are giving up meat as a little experiment, Mrs. -Dasher." - -Wealthy parishioner--"Oh, yes! One can live so well on fish, poultry, -game, and plenty of nourishing wines." - - * * * * * - -A woman who traveled a great deal in the West was known as the most -inveterate "kicker" a certain hotel had ever known. - -One evening after she had been served with dessert this lady, who was -always complaining, asked the waiter why the dish served her was -called "ice-cream pudding." - -"If you don't like it, ma'am, I'll bring you something else," -suggested the polite negro. - -"Oh, it's very nice," responded the lady. "What I object to is that it -should be called ice-cream pudding. It's wrongly named. There should -be ice cream served with it." - -"Yes, ma'am," replied the waiter, "but that's jest our name for it. -Lots o' dishes that way. Dey don't bring you a cottage with cottage -pudding, you know." - - * * * * * - -During a certain cruise the first mate of a ship got to drinking to -excess and was intoxicated for several days. One day, after having -come out of this state, he examined the log book to see what had -passed during his period of semi-forgetfulness. He was horrified to -find entered in the book for the three days consecutively, "The first -mate is drunk to-day." He did not want this to stand as it would -hardly be a good recommendation for him to the ship owners and asked -the captain to remove the entries. - -The captain replied, "It is the truth, is it not?" "Yes, but--" -replied the mate. The captain interrupted him, "If it is the truth, -the truth must stand. It is written in ink and can not be removed -without injuring the book." - -A short time afterward the captain was taken ill and remained so for a -week, and it devolved upon the mate to keep the log book. The captain -on recovering from his illness got the book to examine it to see how -the mate had done his duty. Imagine his consternation when he read in -each of the seven days' entries, "The captain is sober to-day." - -The captain immediately called the mate and indignantly questioned him -in regard to these entries. The mate replied, "It is the truth, is it -not?" "Yes, but--" replied the captain. The mate interrupted him, "If -it is the truth, the truth must stand, must it not? I have your word -that the writing in ink can not be erased." - - * * * * * - -"It was the first week of his honeymoon," said the hotel barber, "and -he came in and sat down near the door to wait his turn. I yelled -'Next' at him two or three times when my chair was vacant, but he was -dreaming and didn't hear me. Finally I touched him on the shoulder and -told him I was ready for him. - -"'What do you want me to do?' he asked. - -"'Why, get in the chair if you want anything,' I replied. 'This is a -barber shop.' - -"'Oh, yes,' he said, and then he got into the chair. He leaned back, -so I let the chair down and shaved him. He didn't have a word to say. -When I finished him up he got out of the chair and took the check over -to the cashier. He paid and started out. When halfway through the door -he stopped. - -"'Say,' he said to me, 'what did you do to me?' - -"'I shaved you,' I said. - -"'Darn the luck,' he replied, 'I wanted a haircut.'" - - * * * * * - -The little daughter of a homeopathic physician received a ring with a -pearl in it on the Christmas tree. Two days later she poked her head -tearfully in at the door of her father's office. - -"Papa," she sobbed, "Papa, I've lost the little pill out of my ring." - - * * * * * - -He was from Pittsburg, Pa., and was stopping at the Manhattan Hotel. -He wanted to telephone to a town about thirty miles away. He asked the -girl on the switchboard to get him long-distance, and followed it up -with asking the price. - -"It will cost you 50 cents for three minutes," she said sweetly. - -"Fifty cents! Ye gods!" cried the man. "I don't want to buy stock in -the telephone company. I only want to talk a minute or so. -Why--why--out in Pittsburg we can call up all Hades for 50 cents!" - -"Yes, I know, sir," replied the girl, "but isn't that within your city -limits?" - - * * * * * - -General St. Clair Mulholland, veteran and historian of the civil war, -tells an incident showing the utter worthlessness of Confederate paper -money at the close of the war. "Shortly after Lee's surrender," says -the General, "I was a short distance from Richmond. The Confederate -soldiers were going home to become men of peace again and were -thinking about their farms. One had a lame, broken-down horse which he -viewed with pride. 'Wish I had him, Jim,' said the other. 'What'll you -take for him? I'll give you $20,000 for him.' 'No,' said Jim. 'Give -you $50,000.' 'No,' said Jim. 'Give you $100,000,' his friend said. -'Not much,' replied Jim, 'I just gave $120,000 to have him shod.'" - - * * * * * - -The Magistrate--"You seem to have committed a very grave assault on -the defendant just because he differed from you in an argument." - -The Defendant--"There was no help for it, your worship. The man is a -perfect idiot." - -The Magistrate--"Well, you must pay a fine of 50 francs and costs, and -in future you should try and understand that idiots are human beings, -the same as you and I." - - * * * * * - -Sentimental Young Lady--"Ah Professor! what would this old oak say if -it could talk?" - -Professor--"It would say, 'I am an elm.'" - - * * * * * - -"You needn't begin jollying me," said the gruff man to the man who had -land to sell. "I'm not a man that can be affected by flattery. When -I--" - -"That's just what I said to my boss," interrupted the agent. "I told -him, when he suggested your name to me, that it was a relief to call -on a man who did not expect to be praised and flattered to his face -all the time. I tell you, Mr. Grump, this city has mighty few men such -as you. Nine men out of ten are simply dying to have some one tell -them how great they are, but you are above such weakness. Any one can -see that at a glance. I'm glad of it. It's helpful to me to meet a -man who rises superior to the petty tactics of the average solicitor. -It's a real and lasting benefit, and an instructive experience." - -Ten minutes later, after a few more such comments on the part of the -agent, the man who could not be flattered into signing the contract -was asking which line his name should be written upon. - - * * * * * - -Billy Martin, aged four, came to his mother and in great ecstasy -exclaimed, "Oh, mother! Louise and Carberry found such a nice dead -cat, and they are going to have a funeral, and can I go?" Permission -was given, and when Billy returned he was questioned as to the outcome -of the funeral. - -"They did not have it at all." - -"And why not?" - -"Mother," was the answer, "the cat was too dead." - - * * * * * - -The late H. C. Bunner when editor of "Puck," once received a letter -accompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the writer asked: -"What will you give me for these?" "Ten yards start," was Bunner's -generous offer, written beneath the query. - - * * * * * - -One day Riley was riding on top of a 'bus in London with his friend -Casey. He was nearly worn out with several hours' sight-seeing and the -bustle and excitement of the London street, the hoi polloi, the -Billingsgate and the din and rattle were becoming almost unbearable -when they came in sight of Westminster Abbey. Just as they did so, -the chimes burst forth in joyous melody, and he said to Casey, "Isn't -it sublime? Isn't it glorious to hear those chimes pealing and doesn't -it inspire one with renewed vigor?" Casey leaned over, with hand to -his ear, and said, "You'll have to speak a little louder, Riley; I -can't hear you." Riley continued, "Those magnificent chimes. Do you -not hear them pealing? Do they not imbue you with a feeling of almost -reverence? Do they not awaken tender memories of the past?" Casey -again leaned forward and said, "I can't hear you. You'll have to speak -louder." Riley got as close to him as possible and said, "Do you not -hear the melodious pealing of the chimes? Do they not recall the -salutation of old Trinity on a Sabbath morning? Do they not take you -back into the dim vistas of the past when the world was young, and -touch your heart with a feeling of pathos?" Casey put his mouth close -to Riley's ear and said, "Those d-- bells are making such a racket, -Riley, that I can't hear you." - - * * * * * - -Four grinning urchins sat on the street curb eulogizing ex-President -Roosevelt. - -"Say, dat guy Roosevelt 'll fight at de drop of de hat!" declared one -youngster. "I read dat durin' a talk at de White House one of de party -said somethin' the President wouldn' stan' for an' he leans over an -gets de guy's ear!" - - * * * * * - -"Have you ever had any experience in canvassing for subscription -books?" asked the man at the desk. - -"No, sir," said the applicant for a job, "but I can put up a good -talk." - -"Well, take a copy of this work and go and see if you can get an -order. I'll give you half a day to make the trial." - -The applicant went away. - -In an hour or two he returned. - -"What luck?" inquired the man at the desk. - -"I've got an order for this book in full morocco from your wife, sir." - -"You'll do, young man." - - * * * * * - -In Alabama they tell this story to illustrate Senator Morgan's ability -as an advocate. A negro of well-known thieving proclivities was on -trial for stealing a mule. Morgan defended and cleared him. As lawyer -and client were walking out of the courtroom Mr. Morgan said: "Rastus, -did you steal the mule?" "Well, Marse Morgan, it was jes like dis: I -really thought I did steal dat mule, but after what you said to the -jury I was convince' I didn't." - - * * * * * - -Uncle Walter, with his little niece Ruth in his lap, was about to -telephone a message to a distant city. While waiting for the -connection to be made little Ruth asked if she might talk over the -open wire. The young lady operator heard the question and said, "Yes, -please let her." - -Ruth, taking the receiver, first told her name. Then the operator -asked her where she was, and to this Ruth replied: - -"I am in Uncle Walter's lap--don't you wish you were?" - - * * * * * - -Apropos of vanity, Senator Root told at Yale about a politician who, -the day before he was to make a certain speech, sent a forty-one-page -report of it to all the papers. On page 20 appeared this paragraph: -"But the hour grows late, and I must close. (No, no! Go on! Go on!)" - - * * * * * - -Two women from the country were at the circus for the first time. They -were greatly taken with the menagerie. At last they came to the -hippopotamus, and stood for several minutes in silent wonder, then one -turned to the other and said, "My, Mandy, ain't--he--_plain_?" - - * * * * * - -Senator Ingalls was always quick at retort, although he was himself a -subject of some sharp shafts. Once he was attacked by Senator Eli -Saulsbury, of Delaware, the second smallest State in the Union. He -disposed of the whole matter by saying, "I thank the gentleman from -that great State, which has three counties at low tide and two -counties at high tide, for his advice." - - * * * * * - -A young and bashful professor was frequently embarrassed by jokes his -girl pupils would play on him. These jokes were so frequent that he -decided to punish the next perpetrators, and the result of this -decision was that two girls were detained an hour after school, and -made to work some difficult problems, as punishment. - -It was the custom to answer the roll-call with quotations, so the -following morning, when Miss A's name was called, she rose, and, -looking straight in the professor's eye, repeated: "With all thy -faults I love thee still," while Miss B's quotation was: "The hours I -spend with thee, dear heart, are as a string of pearls to me." - - * * * * * - -Archbishop Patrick J. Ryan, of Philadelphia, once received a call from -Wayne McVeagh, in company with Mr. Roberts, president of the -Pennsylvania system at the time that McVeagh was counsel for that -railroad. "Your Grace," said Mr. McVeagh, "Mr. Roberts, who always -travels with his counsel, will, undoubtedly, get you passes over all -the railroads in the United States, if in return you will get him a -pass to Paradise." "I would do so gladly," flashed the archbishop, "if -it were not for separating him from his counsel." - - * * * * * - -On one of his collecting trips through Scotland the eminent English -geologist, Hugh Miller, at the end of the day gave to a servant his -bag of specimen stones which he had labored all day to collect, to be -carried some miles to his home. Later, while sitting unobserved in a -corner of the village inn, he heard the man communicating to a friend -in Gaelic his experience with the "mad Englishman," as he called him, -in the following manner: - -"He gave me his bag to carry home by a short-cut across the hills -while he walked by another road. I was wondering why it was so -fearfully heavy, and when I got out of his sight I made up my mind to -see what was in it. I opened it, and what do you think it was? -Stones!" - -"Stones!" exclaimed his companion, opening his eyes. "Stones! Well, -that beats all I ever heard or knew of one of them. And did you carry -it?" - -"Carry it! Do you think I was as mad as himself? No, no. I emptied -them all out of the bag, but I filled it again from the stone-heap -near the house, and gave him good measure for his money." - - * * * * * - -Former Representative Gibson, of Tennessee, had a voice that would -play tricks with him. It would work all right for a few minutes, and -then it would stop entirely, and Gibson would be left gasping for a -moment or two, high and dry in the middle of his argument, until his -voice came back again. He was making a tariff speech one day, sailing -along in fine shape. "Why, Mr. Speaker," he shouted, "the tariff is -like a pair of suspenders. Uncle Sam needs it to keep up his--" - -Right there his voice broke. Gibson couldn't say a word. - -"Trousers!" yelled one member. - -"Pants!" - -"Breeches!" - -By that time the voice came back--"to keep up his revenues," said -Gibson, glaring around at his tormentors. - - * * * * * - -Senator Tillman not long ago piloted a plain farmer-constituent around -the Capitol for a while, and then, having some work to do on the -floor, conducted him to the Senate gallery. - -After an hour or so the visitor approached a gallery doorkeeper and -said: "My name is Swate. I am a friend of Senator Tillman. He brought -me here and I want to go out and look around a bit. I thought I would -tell you so I can get back in." - -"That's all right," said the doorkeeper, "but I may not be here when -you return. In order to prevent any mistake I will give you the -password so you can get your seat again." - -Swate's eyes rather popped out at this. "What's the word?" he asked. - -"Idiosyncrasy." - -"What?" - -"Idiosyncrasy." - -"I guess I'll stay in," said Swate. - - * * * * * - -The Willoughbys had said good-by to Mrs. Kent. Then Mr. Willoughby -spoke thoughtfully: - -"It was pleasant of her to say that about wishing she could see more -of people like us, who are interested in real things, instead of the -foolish round of gaiety that takes up so much of her time and gives -her so little satisfaction, wasn't it?" - -His wife stole a sidewise glance at his gratified face and a satirical -smile crossed her own countenance. - -"Very pleasant, George," she said clearly. "But what I knew she meant, -and what she knew that I knew she meant, was that my walking-skirt is -an inch too long and my sleeves are old style, and your coat, poor -dear, is beginning to look shiny in the back." - -"Why--what--how--" began Mr. Willoughby helplessly; then he shook his -head and gave it up. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Wharton, the novelist, has never described any blunder of the -so-called smart set quite as pathetic as one that actually happened to -herself. A young man of a particularly old family, who sat next to her -at dinner, said: "I'm terribly frightened to meet you, Mrs. Wharton," -and when asked the origin of his terrors, explained: "I've always -heard you're such a frightful blackleg." - - * * * * * - -Rosenthal, the pianist, speaks eight or ten languages. But his -knowledge of idiomatic English has not always been sufficient to -enable him to follow all the critics have said about his pyrotechnic -playing. The other day, reading over the latest batch of clippings in -the manager's office, he suddenly asked: "Vat iss 'Fourt' of July -interpretation?" - -"Fourth of July?" was the reply, "Don't you know the Fourth of July? -Why, the national holiday--everything noble and patriotic--George -Washington--Battle of Bunker Hill--the Declaration of Independence--" -"Ah! I see," said the pianist, "Un grand compliment!" - - * * * * * - -Representative Cushman, of Washington, once came to Speaker Cannon -with a letter written by the speaker himself. - -"Mr. Speaker," he said, "I got this letter from you yesterday and I -couldn't read it. I showed it to twenty or thirty fellows in the House -and, between us, we have spelled out all but the last three words." -Uncle Joe took the letter and studied it, "The last three words," he -said, "are 'Personal and Confidential.'" - - * * * * * - -At a banquet held in a room the walls of which were adorned with many -beautiful paintings, a well-known college president was called upon to -respond to a toast. In the course of his remarks, wishing to pay a -compliment to the ladies present, and designating the paintings with -one of his characteristic gestures, he said: "What need is there of -these painted beauties when we have so many with us at this table?" - - * * * * * - -The late Charles Eliot Norton was wont to deplore the modern youth's -preference of brawn to brain. He used to tell of a football game he -once witnessed: "Princeton had a splendid player in Poe--you will -remember little Poe?" and Professor Norton, thinking of "The Raven" -and "Annabel Lee," said to the lad at his side: "He plays well, that -Poe!" - -"Doesn't he?" the youth cried. "Is he," said Professor Norton, "any -relation to the great Poe?" - -"Any relation?" said the youth. "Why, he is the great Poe." - - * * * * * - -A fire broke out one day in Francis Wilson's dressing-room at the -theater where he was playing. - -He had some of his books around him, and in an agony of despair asked -himself: - -"Which shall I save?" He glanced at his precious Chaucer, at some -Shakespearean volumes, when: - -"Come, Mr. Wilson," broke in at the door from a fireman, "you have not -a moment to lose." - -"Yes, yes. Coming," replied Wilson absently. - -He was looking for a special illuminated volume very dear to him. - -"Come, Wilson," cried his manager; "come, get out!" - -"All right, all right," said Wilson, and, grabbing some clothes in one -hand, he snatched with the other the nearest volume and ran to the -street. There he looked at the huge volume in his arms. It was the -city directory. - - * * * * * - -A city gentleman was recently invited down to the country for "a day -with the birds." His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the -great disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally -regulated by the size of the bag. - -"Dear me!" at last exclaimed the sportsman, "but the birds seem -exceptionally strong on the wing this year." - -"Not all of 'em, sir," was the answer. "You've shot at the same bird -about a dozen times. 'E's a-follerin' you about, sir." - -"Following me about? Nonsense! Why should a bird do that?" - -"Well, sir," came the reply. "I dunno, I'm sure, unless 'e's 'angin' -'round you for safety." - - * * * * * - -A lady was calling on some friends one summer afternoon. The talk -buzzed along briskly, fans waved and the daughter of the house kept -twitching uncomfortably, frowning and making little smothered -exclamations of annoyance. Finally, with a sigh, she rose and left the -room. - -"Your daughter," said the visitor, "seems to be suffering from the -heat." - -"No," said the hostess. "She is just back home from college and she is -suffering from the family grammar." - - * * * * * - -"It ain't everybody I'd put to sleep in this room," said old Mrs. -Jinks to the fastidious and extremely nervous young minister who was -spending a night at her house. - -"This here room is full of sacred associations to me," she went on, as -she bustled around opening shutters and arranging the curtains. "My -first husband died in that bed with his head on these very pillers, -and poor Mr. Jinks died settin' right in that corner. Sometimes when I -come into the room in the dark I think I see him settin' there still. - -"My own father died layin' right on that lounge under the winder. Poor -pa! He was a Speeritualist, and he allus said he'd appear in this room -after he died, and sometimes I'm foolish enough to look for him. If -you should see anything of him to-night you'd better not tell me; for -it'd be a sign to me that there was something in Speeritualism, and -I'd hate to think that. - -"My son by my first man fell dead of heart disease right where you -stand. He was a doctor, and there's two skeletons in that closet that -belonged to him, and half a dozen skulls in that lower drawer. - -"There, I guess you'll be comfortable. - -"Well, good night, and pleasant dreams." - - * * * * * - -A woman suffrage lecturer brought down the house with the following -argument: "I have no vote, but my groom has, but I am sure if I were -to go to him and say, 'John, will you exercise the franchise?' he -would reply, 'Please, mum, which horse be that?'" - - * * * * * - -"Maude was afraid the girls wouldn't notice her engagement ring." "Did -they?" "_Did_ they? Six of them recognized it at once." - - * * * * * - -Mr. George Broadhurst, author of the play, "The Man of the Hour," is -an Englishman, and recently made a visit to his native country. After -having lived a week at one of the large hotels in London, he was -surprised on the evening of his departure, although at a very late -hour, to see an endless procession of waiters, maids, porters, and -pages come forward with the expectant smile and empty hand. When each -and all had been well bestowed, even boots and under-boots and then -another boots, he dashed for the four-wheeler that was to carry him -safely away. - -Settling himself with a sigh of relief, he was about to be off when a -page popped his head into the window and breathlessly exclaimed: - -"I beg pardon, sir, but the night-lift man says he's waiting for a -message from you, sir." - -"A message from me?" - -"Yes, sir; he says he cawn't go to sleep without a message from you, -sir." - -"Really, he can't go to sleep without a message from me?" - -"No, sir." - -"How touching. Then tell him, 'Pleasant dreams.'" - - * * * * * - -Representative Tawney, of Minnesota, chairman of the House Committee -on Appropriations, sent out some of his quota of garden seeds to his -constituents not long ago. One man in Winona wrote to Tawney: "Dear -Jim: I received your seeds, but I don't care much for them. If you -really want to do something for me, please send me up a suit of union -underwear." - - * * * * * - -In his younger days Thomas Bailey Aldrich was not a little of a dandy. -This foible led an unusually energetic Boston bluestocking to refer to -him in a caustic style on one occasion as "effeminate." - -When a friend told the poet of her remark he smiled grimly. - -"So I am," he assented, "compared with her." - - * * * * * - -Tennyson's customary manner toward women was one of grave and stately -courtesy. One evening at Aldworth, Sir Edward Hamley, the soldier and -expert writer on the art of war, who had been visiting through the -day, rose to take leave. Tennyson pressed him to stay over night, -adding: "There are three ladies who wish it," meaning Mrs. Tennyson -and the two guests who were in the house. - -"There are three other ladies who oppose it," Sir Edward answered. - -"Who are they?" Tennyson asked. - -"The Fates," Sir Edward replied. - -"The Fates may be on one side," Tennyson rejoined, "but the Graces are -on the other." - - * * * * * - -Douglas Jerrold's genius for repartee is perhaps best shown in his -most famous reply to Albert Smith, whom he disliked and frequently -abused. Smith grew tired of being made the butt of the other's wit, -and one day plaintively remarked: "After all, Jerrold, we row in the -same boat." "Yes," came the answer, "but not with the same skulls." - - * * * * * - -Mr. Brown, a Kansas gentleman, is the proprietor of a boarding-house. -Around his table at a recent dinner sat his wife, Mrs. Brown; the -village milliner, Mrs. Andrews; Mr. Black, the baker; Mr. Jordan, a -carpenter; and Mr. Hadley, a flour, feed, and lumber merchant. Mr. -Brown took a ten-dollar bill out of his pocketbook and handed it to -Mrs. Brown, with the remark that there was ten dollars toward the -twenty he had promised her. Mrs. Brown handed the bill to Mrs. -Andrews, the milliner, saying, "That pays for my new bonnet." Mrs. -Andrews, in turn, passed it on to Mr. Jordan, remarking that it would -pay for the carpentry work he had done for her. Mr. Jordan handed it -to Mr. Hadley, requesting his receipted bill for flour, feed, and -lumber. Mr. Hadley gave the bill back to Mr. Brown, saying, "That pays -ten dollars on my board." Mr. Brown again passed it to Mrs. Brown, -remarking that he had now paid her the twenty dollars he had promised -her. She, in turn, paid it to Mr. Black to settle her bread and pastry -account. Mr. Black handed it to Mr. Hadley, asking credit for the -amount on his flour bill, Mr. Hadley again returning it to Mr. Brown, -with the remark that it settled for that month's board; whereupon -Brown put it back into his pocketbook, observing that he had not -supposed a greenback would go so far. - - * * * * * - -A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the -back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right, you can run along -and write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as -new." The patient went off gaily to write his letter. He had it -finished and sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped -through his fingers to the floor, lighted on the back of a cockroach -that was passing and stuck. The patient hadn't seen the -cockroach--what he did see was his escaped postage stamp zig-zagging -aimlessly across the floor to the baseboard, wavering up over the -baseboard and following a crooked track up the wall and across the -ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up the letter and dropped the -pieces on the floor. "Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of -here in three years." - - * * * * * - -A Bostonian, arriving at the gate of Heaven, asked for admittance. - -"Where are you from?" inquired the genial Saint. - -"Boston." - -"Well, you can come in, but you won't like it." - - * * * * * - -A well-known bishop, after a long journey to conduct a service in a -distant village, was asked by the spokesman of the reception committee -if he would like a whisky and soda to keep out the cold. "No," he -replied, "for three reasons. First, because I am chairman of the -Temperance Society; secondly, I am just going to enter a church; -and--thirdly, because--I have just had one." - - * * * * * - -A frivolous young English girl, with no love for the Stars and -Stripes, once exclaimed at a celebration where the American flag was -very much in evidence: "Oh, what a silly-looking thing the American -flag is! It suggests nothing but checker-berry candy." - -"Yes," replied a bystander, "the kind of candy that has made everybody -sick who ever tried to lick it." - - * * * * * - -A hungry Irishman went into a restaurant on Friday and said to the -waiter: - -"Have yez any whale?" - -"No." - -"Have yez any shark?" - -"No." - -"Have yez any swordfish?" - -"No." - -"Have yez any jellyfish?" - -"No." - -"All right," said the Irishman. "Then bring me ham and eggs and a -beefsteak smothered wid onions. The Lord knows I asked for fish." - - * * * * * - -Mr. Halloran returned from a political meeting with his interest -aroused. "There's eight nations represented in this ward of ours," he -said, as he began to count them off on his fingers. "There's Irish, -Frinch, Eyetalians, Poles, Germans, Rooshians, Greeks, an'--" Mr. -Halloran stopped and began again: "There's Irish, Frinch, Eyetalians, -Poles, Germans, Rooshians, Greeks, an'--I can't seem to remember the -other wan. There's Irish, Frinch--" "Maybe 'twas Americans," suggested -Mrs. Halloran. "Sure, that's it, I couldn't think." - - * * * * * - -The solemnity of the meeting was somewhat disturbed when the eloquent -young theologian pictured in glowing words the selfishness of men who -spend their evenings at the club, leaving their wives in loneliness at -home at the holiday season. "Think, my hearers," said he, "of a poor, -neglected wife, all alone in the great, dreary house, rocking the -cradle of her sleeping babe with one foot and wiping away her tears -with the other!" - - * * * * * - -Two charming girls with Mr. Danvers, who was very shy, were watching -the dancing waves. Conversation was carried on with difficulty. -Finally Maude ventured the remark: - -"Don't you hate the seaside, Mr. Danvers, with its glare and noise and -general vulgarity?" - -Mr. Danvers replied fervently with a smile and downcast eyes: "Oh, -d-d-d-don't I, that's all!" - -Then Miss Lilian followed up the subject and said: "What, hate the -seaside, Mr. Danvers?--with the fresh air and blue waves, and the -delightful lounge after bathing, and the lawn-tennis and the -Cinderella dances! I dote on it, and I should have thought you did, -too!" - -Whereupon Mr. Danvers stammered still more fervently: "Oh--I-I-I -should think I did!" - -And the waves kept on splashing merrily. - - * * * * * - -Just before the collection was taken up one Sunday morning a negro -clergyman announced that he regretted to state that a certain brother -had forgotten to lock the door of his chicken-house the night before, -and as a result in the morning he found that most of the fowls had -disappeared. "I doan' want to be pussonal, bredr'n," he added, "but I -hab my s'picions as to who stole dem chickens. I also hab reason fo' -b'lievin' dat if I am right in dose s'picions dat pusson won't put any -money in de plate which will now be passed around." - -The result was a fine collection; not a single member of the -congregation feigned sleep. After it was counted the old parson came -forward. - -"Now, bredr'n," he said, "I doan' want your dinners to be spoilt by -wonderin' where dat brudder lives who doan' lock his chickens up at -night. Dat brudder doan' exist, mah friends. He was a parable gotten -up fo' purpose of finances." - - * * * * * - -A minister in a Western town was called upon one afternoon to perform -the marriage ceremony between a negro couple--the negro preacher of -the town being absent from home. - -After the ceremony the groom asked the price of the service. - -"Oh, well," said the minister, "you can pay me whatever you think it -is worth to you." - -The negro turned and silently looked his bride over from head to foot, -then slowly rolling up the whites of his eyes, said: - -"Lawd, sah, you has done ruined me for life, you has, for shuah." - - * * * * * - -A professor of sciences, well known for his absent-mindedness, was -engaged in a deep controversy one day with a fellow-student when his -wife hurriedly entered the room. "Oh, my dear," she cried, "I've -swallowed a pin." - -The Professor smiled. "Don't worry about it, my dear," he said in a -soothing tone. "It is of no consequence. Here"--he fumbled at his -lapel--"Here is another pin." - - * * * * * - -The late Theodore Thomas was rehearsing the Chicago Orchestra on the -stage of the Auditorium Theater. He was disturbed by the whistling of -Burridge, the well-known scene painter, who was at work in the loft -above the stage. A few minutes later Mr. Thomas's librarian appeared -on the "bridge," where Mr. Burridge, merrily whistling, was at work. -"Mr. Thomas's compliments," said the librarian, "and he requests me to -say that if Mr. Burridge wishes to whistle he will be glad to -discontinue his rehearsal." To which Mr. Burridge replied suavely: -"Mr. Burridge's compliments to Mr. Thomas; and please inform Mr. -Thomas that, if Mr. Burridge can not whistle with the orchestra, he -won't whistle at all." - - * * * * * - -When trouble was more general and more destructive in Ireland than at -present, an Irish priest, a very good man, was disturbed by the -inroads which strong drink was making on his flock. He preached a -strong sermon against it. "What is it," he cried, "that keeps you -poor? It's the drink. What is it keeps your children half-starved? The -drink. What is it keeps your children half-clothed? The drink! The -drink. What is it causes you to shoot at your landlords--and miss -them? The drink." - - * * * * * - -Goff, the famous London barrister, has a humor peculiarly his own. He -looks at the world in a half-amused, half-indulgent manner sometimes -very annoying to his friends. One day, when in town, he dropped into a -restaurant for lunch. It was a tidy, although not a pretentious -establishment. After a good meal he called to the waitress and -inquired what kind of pie could be had. - -"Apple pie mince pie raisin pie blueberry pie custard pie peach pie -and strawberry shortcake," the young woman repeated glibly. - -"Will you please say that again?" he asked, leaning a trifle forward. - -The girl went through the list at lightning rate. "And strawberry -shortcake," she concluded with emphasis. - -"Would you mind doing it once more?" he said. - -The waitress looked her disgust, and started in a third time -pronouncing the words in a defiantly clear tone. - -"Thank you," he remarked when she had finished. "For the life of me I -can not see how you do it. But I like to hear it. It's very -interesting, very. Give me apple pie, please, and thank you very -much." - - * * * * * - -An elderly Bishop, a bachelor, who was very fastidious about his -toilet, was especially fond of his bath, and requested particular care -of his tub from the maid. - -When about to leave town one day he gave strict orders to the -housemaid about his "bawth-tub" and said that no one was to be allowed -the use of it. - -Alas! the temptation grew on the girl and she took a plunge. - -The Bishop returned unexpectedly, and finding traces of the recent -stolen bath, questioned the maid so closely that she had to confess -she was the culprit, and was very sorry. - -"I hope you do not think it a sin, Bishop?" asked Mary in tears. - -Eying her sternly, he said: "Mary your using my tub is not a sin, but -what distresses me most is that you would do anything behind my back -that you would not do before my face." - - * * * * * - -Senator Dawes, in his young manhood, was a very poor speaker. One time -he was in an important law case, and for his opponent he had an older -attorney whose eloquence attracted a crowd that packed the courtroom. - -The day was very hot and the judge on the bench was freely perspiring. -Finally the judge, drawing off his coat in the midst of the lawyer's -eloquent address, said: - -"Mr. Attorney, excuse me, but suppose you sit down and let Dawes begin -to speak. I want to thin out this crowd." - - * * * * * - -A doctor spending a rare and somewhat dull night at his own fireside -received the following message from three fellow practitioners: - -"Please step over to the club and join us at a rubber of whist." - -"Jane, dear," he said to his wife, "I am called away again. It appears -to be a difficult case--there are three other doctors on the spot -already." - - * * * * * - -George, the four-year-old grandson of an extremely pious and devout -grandfather, came rushing into the house in a state of wild -excitement. "Grandpa! Grandpa!" he called. "Mr. Barton's cow is dead! -God called her home!" - - * * * * * - -Philander C. Knox tells this story of Roosevelt: "Roosevelt," he said, -"was surprised by a Kansas delegation at Oyster Bay one summer. The -President appeared with his coat and collar off, trousers hitched by -belt, and mopping his forehead. 'Ah, gentlemen,' he said, '_de_lighted -to see you, _de_lighted. But I am very busy putting in my hay, you -know. Just come down to the barn with me and we'll talk it over while -I work.' Down to the barn hustled the delegation and Mr. Roosevelt -seized a pitchfork. But, behold there was no hay on the floor! 'John,' -shouted the President to sounds in the hayloft; 'where's all the hay?' -'I ain't had time to throw it back since you threw it up yesterday, -sir.'" - - * * * * * - -Before the President of a certain Western college had attained his -present high position, a boy entering college was recommended to his -consideration. - -"Try to draw the boy out, Professor; criticise him, and tell us what -you think," the parents said. - -To facilitate acquaintance the Professor took the boy for a walk. -After ten minutes' silence the youth ventured: "Fine day, Professor." - -"Yes," with a far-away look. - -Ten minutes more, and the young man, squirming uncomfortably, said: -"This is a pleasant walk, Professor." - -"Yes." - -Another silence, and then the young man blurted out that he thought -they might have rain. - -"Yes," and this time the Professor went on saying, "Young man, we have -been walking together for half an hour, and you have said nothing -which was not commonplace and stupid." - -"Yes," said the boy, his irritation getting the better of his modesty, -"and you endorsed every word I said." - -Word from the Professor to the parents was to the effect that the boy -was all right. - - * * * * * - -A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter -off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and -went around to the car window to say a last parting word. While he was -leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend, -and at the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to the -window. - -Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up to -the window and said: "One more kiss, pet." - -In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the -window, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you gray-headed -wretch!" - - * * * * * - -There is a young physician who has never been able to smoke a cigar. -"Just one poisons me," says the youthful doctor. - -Recently the doctor was invited to a large dinner-party. When the -women had left the table cigars were accepted by all the men except -the physician. Seeing his friend refuse the cigar the host in -astonishment exclaimed: - -"What, not smoking? Why, my dear fellow, you lose half your dinner!" - -"Yes, I know I do," meekly replied the doctor, "but if I smoked one I -should lose the whole of it!" - - * * * * * - -Once, when Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes was at a charitable fair, he was -asked to furnish a letter for the "post-office." So he placed a -one-dollar note inside a sheet of paper and wrote on the first page: - - "Dear lady, whosoe'er thou art, - Turn this poor page with trembling care; - But hush, oh, hush, thy beating heart, - The one thou lov'st best will be there." - -When the page was turned the one-dollar bill was revealed, and on the -second page he wrote this verse: - - "Fair lady, lift thine eyes and tell - If this is not a truthful letter; - This is the 'one' thou lovest well, - And naught (0) would make thee love it better." - - * * * * * - -As several travelers got into the station 'bus one of the men (who was -quite a portly fellow) noticed that a certain young woman had a grip -exactly like his, but that it was placed with the rest of the luggage, -on top. Thinking there might be some mistake made he kept his inside -and placed it at his feet. He was soon engrossed in his paper, and did -not notice the young woman reach over and draw the grip close to her -side. Being of a humorous turn of mind he waited until she was -occupied with a book and then pulled the grip to its former position, -the rest of the travelers looking on with amused expressions. - -In turning over a leaf she looked down and suddenly became aware of -the removal of the grip. She was quite indignant, and with some force -in her voice and manner said, "That is _mine_!" and jerked it back -close to her feet. - -Touching his hat politely the owner said, with a merry twinkle in his -eye: "All right, madam; but may I please get my pipe and nightshirt -out? You are welcome to the rest of the things!" - - * * * * * - -President Eliot, of Harvard, is not a believer in spelling reform. Not -long ago there was a student who was a candidate for the degree of -doctor of philosophy. This student had adopted spelling reform as his -particular line of work, and as commencement day drew near he went to -President Eliot with a request. "You know, Mr. President," he said -"that you are proposing to make me a Ph.D. Now I have made a specialty -of spelling reform and I always spell philosophy with an 'f.' I -therefore called to ask you if you could not make my degree F. D., -instead of Ph.D." - -"Certainly," replied the President. "In fact, if you insist, we shall -make it a D. F." - - * * * * * - -The following letter was received by the Post-office Department. It -came from a Western postmaster at a small office and read: "In -accordance with the rules of the department, I write you to inform you -that on next Saturday I will close the post-office for one day, as I -am going on a bear hunt. I am not asking your permission to close up -and don't give a damn if you discharge me; but I will advise now, that -I am the only man in the county who can read and write." - - * * * * * - -A young lady at a summer hotel asked an artist friend, who was -spending his vacation there, if he would mind doing a small favor for -her. - -"Certainly not," he said eagerly; "what is it?" - -"Thank you so much," she exclaimed gratefully. "I wish you would stop -at Mrs. Gannon's little shop and get three large bone buttons, the -kind with two small holes in them. They're for my new bathing suit, -you know. Just tell her who I am and it will be all right. You needn't -pay for them." - -Now the artist was a bachelor, and had never bought anything but -collar buttons before. So on the way to the store he kept repeating -the instructions that he had received. Eager to relieve his mind he -rushed up to Mrs. Gannon and reeled off this surprising speech: "I -want three bone buttons for a small bathing suit with two large holes -in it. Just tell me who I am and it will be all right." - - * * * * * - -There was not even standing room in the six-o'clock crowded car, but -one more passenger, a young woman, wedged her way along just inside -the doorway. Each time the car took a sudden lurch forward she fell -helplessly back, and three times she landed in the arms of a large, -comfortable man on the back platform. The third time it happened he -said quietly: "Hadn't you better stay here now?" - - * * * * * - -The principal of one of Washington's high schools relates an incident -in connection with the last commencement day. A clever girl had taken -one of the principal prizes. At the close of the exercises her friends -crowded about her to offer congratulations. - -"Weren't you awfully afraid you wouldn't get it, Hattie?" asked one, -"when there were so many contestants?" - -"Oh, no!" cheerily exclaimed Hattie. "Because I knew when it came to -English composition I had 'em all skinned." - - * * * * * - -The Guards' Band was playing on the terrace at Windsor Castle during -luncheon, and the Queen was so pleased with a lively march that she -sent a maid of honor to inquire what it was. The maid of honor blushed -deeply as she answered on her return: "'Come where the Booze is -Cheaper,' your Majesty." - - * * * * * - -Mark Twain once wrote to Andrew Carnegie as follows: - -"_My dear Mr. Carnegie:_ I see by the papers that you are very -prosperous. I want to get a hymn-book. It costs two dollars. I will -bless you, God will bless you, and it will do a great deal of good. -Yours truly, Mark Twain." - -"P. S.--Don't send the hymn-book; send me the two dollars." - - * * * * * - -A physician started a model insane asylum, says the New York "Sun," -and set apart one ward especially for crazy motorists and chauffeurs. -Taking a friend through the building he pointed out with particular -pride the automobile ward and called attention to its elegant -furnishings and equipment. - -"But," said the friend, "the place is empty; I don't see any -patients." - -"Oh, they are all under the cots fixing the slats," explained the -physician. - - * * * * * - -An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the -outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness -in court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took -the witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial -Bourbon verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took -place. She insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his -persistency finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas. - -"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I knowed -about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked -him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends then cut Tom with -a knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam Jones, who was a -friend of Tom's, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en -three or four others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly -caused some excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin'." - - * * * * * - -One morning, as Mr. Clemens returned from a neighborhood call, sans -necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There, -Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It's -really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!" - -Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room. - -A few minutes later his neighbor--Mrs. S.--was summoned to the door by -a messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. She -opened it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following -note: "Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayed -half an hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindly -return it, as it is the only one I have?--MARK TWAIN." - - * * * * * - -The teacher was teaching a class in the infant Sabbath-school room and -was making her pupils finish each sentence to show that they -understood her. - -"The idol had eyes," the teacher said, "but it could not--" - -"See," cried the children. - -"It had ears, but it could not--" - -"Hear," was the answer. - -"It had lips," she said, "but it could not--" - -"Speak," once more replied the children. - -"It had a nose, but it could not--" - -"Wipe it," shouted the children; and the lesson had to stop a moment. - - * * * * * - -She was the dearest and most affectionate little woman in the world, -and so thoughtful of her husband's comfort and his needs. One evening, -when company was expected, she inquired solicitously: - -"Aren't you going to wear that necktie I gave you on Christmas, -dearie?" - -"Of course I am, Henrietta," responded dearie. "I was saving it up. I -am going to wear that red necktie, and my Nile-green smoking-jacket, -and my purple and yellow socks, and open that box of cigars you gave -me, all at once--to-night." - - * * * * * - -When J. M. Barrie addressed an audience of one thousand girls at Smith -College during an American visit, a friend asked him how he had found -the experience. - -"Well," replied Mr. Barrie, "to tell you the truth I'd much rather -talk one thousand times to one girl than to talk one time to a -thousand girls." - - * * * * * - -The Rev. Mr. Goodman (inspecting himself in mirror)--"Caroline, I -don't really believe I ought to wear this wig. It looks like living a -lie." - -"Bless your heart, Avery," said his better half, "don't let that -trouble you. That wig will never fool anybody for one moment." - - * * * * * - -A young man had been calling now and then on a young lady, when one -night as he sat in the parlor waiting for her to come down, her mother -entered the room instead and asked in a grave, stern way what his -intentions were. He was about to stammer a reply, when suddenly the -young lady called down from the head of the stairs, "Oh, mama, that -isn't the one." - - * * * * * - -A woman hurried up to a policeman at the corner of Twenty-third Street -in New York City. - -"Does this crosstown car take you down to the Bridge toward Brooklyn?" -she demanded. - -"Why, madam," returned the policeman, "do you want to go to Brooklyn?" - -"No, I don't want to," the woman replied, "but I have to." - - * * * * * - -Walter Appleton Clark, whose artistic career was cut short by an -untimely death, had a strong sense of humor. In going through a -millionaire's stables, where the floors and walls were of white tiles, -drinking fountains of marble, mahogany mangers, silver trimmings, and -so forth and so on, "Well," said the millionaire proudly, "is there -anything lacking?" "I can think of nothing," said Clark, "except a -sofa for each horse." - - * * * * * - -Oliver Herford, equally famous as poet, illustrator, and brilliant -wit, was entertaining four magazine editors at luncheon when the bell -rang, and a maid entered with the mail. - -"Oh," said an editor, "an epistle." - -"No," said Mr. Herford, tearing open the envelope, "not an epistle, a -collect." - - * * * * * - -An old gentleman on board one of the numerous steamers which ply -between Holyhead and the Irish coast missed his handkerchief, and -accused a soldier standing by his side of stealing it, which the -soldier, an Irishman, denied. Some few minutes afterward the gentleman -found the missing article in his hat; he was then most profuse in his -apologies to the soldier. - -"Not another wurrd," said Pat; "it was a misthake on both sides--ye -took me for a thafe, and I took ye for a gintlemon." - - * * * * * - -The family were gathered in the library enjoying a magnificent -thunder-storm when the mother thought of Dorothy alone in the nursery. -Fearing lest the little daughter should be awakened and feel afraid, -she slipped away to quiet her. Pausing at the door, however, in a -vivid flash of lightning that illuminated the whole room, she saw the -little girl sitting up in bed clapping her hands in excitement and -shouting, "Bang it again, God! Bang it again!" - - * * * * * - -A little girl ate at a feast a great quantity of chocolate eggs and -bananas and cakes and peanuts and things of that sort, and finally the -time came for her to go. - -"But you will have a little more cake before you go?" her hostess said -politely. - -"No, thank you, ma'am. I'm full," said the little girl. - -"Then," said the hostess, "you'll put some nuts and candies in your -pockets, won't you?" - -The little girl shook her head regretfully. - -"They're full, too," she said. - - * * * * * - -"My dear, I couldn't match that dress goods." - -"You couldn't?" - -"No, and after what the various clerks said to me, I can't see why a -person in tolerable circumstances should want to match it." - - * * * * * - -A boy in a certain school would persist in saying "have went." One day -the teacher kept him in, saying, "While I am out of the room you may -write 'have gone' fifty times." When the teacher returned she found he -had dutifully performed the task, but on the other side of the paper -was a message from the absent one: "I have went. John White." - - * * * * * - -On one of his trips abroad Mr. Evarts landed at Liverpool. The steamer -was proceeding slowly up the river to the wharf, and Mr. Evarts, after -looking at the muddy waters of the Mersey, said to his companion, -"Evidently the quality of mercy is not strained." - - * * * * * - -Once, at breakfast at a friend's, Phillips Brooks noticed the -diminutive but amusingly dignified daughter of the house having -constant trouble with the large fork that she was vainly trying to -handle properly with her tiny fingers. In a spirit of kindness, -mingled with mischief, the Bishop said: - -"Why don't you give up the fork, my dear, and use your fingers? You -know, fingers were made before forks." - -Quick as a flash came the crushing retort: "Mine weren't." - - * * * * * - -Two stout old Germans were enjoying their pipes and placidly listening -to the strains of the summer-garden orchestra. One of them in tipping -his chair back stepped on a parlor match, which exploded with a bang. - -"Dot vas not on de program," he said, turning to his companion. - -"Vat was not?" - -"Vy, dot match." - -"Vat match?" - -"De match I valked on." - -"Vell, I didn't see no match; vat aboud it?" - -"Vy, I valked on a match and it vent bang, and I said it vas not on de -program." - -The other picked up his program and read it through very carefully. "I -don't see it on de program," he said. - -"Vell, I said it vas not on the program, didn't I?" - -"Vell, vat has it got to do mit de program, anyvay? Egsplain -yourself." - - * * * * * - -Charles Dana Gibson, the creator of the "Gibson girl," is one of the -tallest men in his profession, standing six feet two inches tall and -weighing two hundred pounds. - -A fellow-illustrator, called upon Mr. Gibson in his studio one day and -found him working at a specially constructed table accommodated to his -height and breadth. He shook hands cordially with his visitor, but his -frank face revealed deep discontent. His visitor expressed the fear -that his visit was untimely. - -"Not at all, my dear fellow," Mr. Gibson responded. "But I was just -looking at this as you came in," and he showed him a very small pen, -called a crow-quill, with which illustrators make their sketches. The -crow-quill is smaller than the ordinary pen and holder, a fragile, -perishable, and insignificant instrument. - -"Just look at it," complained Mr. Gibson, "and think of a man of my -size earning his living with a thing like that!" - - * * * * * - -Going into a port where the water was very deep--Rio de Janeiro, I -believe--relates Captain A. T. Mahan, the chain cables "got away," as -the expression is, control was lost, and shackle after shackle tore -out of the hawse-holes with tremendous rattling and roaring. The -admiral was on deck at the moment, and when the chain had been stopped -and secured he said to the captain: "Alfred, send for the young man in -charge of those chains and give him a good setting-down. Ask him what -he means by letting such things happen." Alfred was a mild person, and -clearly did not like his job; he could not have come up to the -admiral's standard. The latter saw it, and said: "Perhaps you had -better leave it to me. I'll settle him." Fixing his eyes on the -offender, he said, sternly: "What do you mean by this, sir? Why the -hell didn't you stop that chain?" The culprit looked quietly at him -and said: "How the hell could I?" After a moment the admiral turned to -the captain and said meekly: "That's true, Alfred; how the hell could -he?" - - * * * * * - -An old darky of the Blue Grass State was looking at the high steppers -belonging to his new master, who said, "I suppose your master down -South had a good many horses?" "'Deed we did, sah, dat we did; an' ole -massa had 'em all name' Bible names. Faith, Hope, and Charity, Bustle, -Stays, and Crinoline was all one spring's colts!" - - * * * * * - -The wife of a well-known judge lost her cook, and since she had no -other recourse she rolled up her sleeves and for a week provided such -meals as the judge had not enjoyed since those happy days when they -didn't keep a cook. The judge's delight was so great that by way of -acknowledgment he presented his wife with a beautiful ermine coat. -Naturally the incident was noised about among their acquaintances and -a spirit of envious emulation was developed in certain quarters. Mrs. -Jerome, after reciting the story to her husband, asked, "What do I -get, Jerry, if I will do the cooking for a week?" - -"At the end of the week, dear, you'll get one of those long crpe -veils." - - * * * * * - -Perhaps one of Lord Beaconsfield's brightest flings was at the wife of -his bitterest political foe. Mrs. Gladstone passed the Prime Minister -one day, and he cast a glance at her over his shoulder, saying: "There -goes a woman without one redeeming fault." - - * * * * * - -A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with -a most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his -presence. - -The officer, familiar with the soldier's ways, replied: - -"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received a -letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you -get drunk, and mistreat her shamefully." - -The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at the -door, asking: "Sor, may I spake to you, not as an officer, but as mon -to mon?" - -"Yes, what is it?" - -"You and I are two of the most illigant liars the Lord ever made. I'm -not married at all." - - * * * * * - -A very prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Douglas -Jerrold, met his victim and, planting himself in the way, said: "Well, -Jerrold, what is going on to-day?" - -Jerrold replied, darting past the inquirer, "I am!" - - * * * * * - -Foote, the English actor, was once praising the hospitality of the -Irish, after one of his trips to Ireland. A gentleman in his audience -asked him whether he had ever been at Cork. "No, sir," replied Foote; -"but I have seen many drawings of it." - - * * * * * - -A lady one day meeting a girl who had formerly been in her employ -inquired, "Well Mary, where do you live now?" "Please ma'am, I don't -live nowhere now," rejoined the girl; "I am married." - - * * * * * - -When a Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for election in Hull, England, -his sister, an amiable and witty young lady offered to make a present -of a new gown to each of the wives of the men who voted for her -brother. Upon hearing this, the crowd whom she was addressing broke -out into cries of "Miss Wilberforce forever." "I thank you gentlemen," -the young lady replied, "but I do not wish to be Miss Wilberforce -forever!" - - * * * * * - -"How do you define 'black as your hat?'" said a schoolmaster to one of -his pupils. - -"Darkness that may be felt," replied the budding genius. - - * * * * * - -She--"He married her for her money. Wasn't that awful?" - -He--"Did he get it?" - -She--"No." - -He--"It was." - - * * * * * - -"My, but it is hot in your office," said a client to his lawyer. - -"It ought to be," replied the lawyer, "I make my bread here." - - * * * * * - -The town council of a small German community met to inspect a new site -for a cemetery. They assembled at a chapel, and as it was a warm day -some one suggested they leave their coats there. - -"Some one can stay behind and watch them," suggested Herr Botteles. - -"What for?" demanded Herr Ehrlich. "If we are all going out together -what need is there for any one to watch the clothes?" - - * * * * * - -After a brief two weeks' acquaintance he invited her to go to the -ball-game with him. - -"There's Jarvis! He's a good one. He's a pitcher for your life. And -that's Johnson, over there. He's going to be our best man in a few -weeks." - -"Oh, Walter! He'll do, all right," she lisped hurriedly, "but it is so -sudden, dear." - - * * * * * - -Dr. Edward Waldo Emerson, of Concord, is fond of telling of an old -servant whose heart was exceedingly kind, and in whom the qualities of -pity and compassion were developed nearly to perfection. He was once -driving his master and Emerson through the country. As they approached -a new house that the master was building, they saw an old woman -sneaking away with a bundle of wood. "Jabez, Jabez," cried the -master, "do you see that old woman taking my wood?" Jabez looked with -pity at the old woman, then with scorn at his master. "No, sir," he -said stoutly, "I don't see her, and I didn't think that you would see -her either." - - * * * * * - -"They said that we would never be happy," moaned the young bride. - -"But you _are_ happy." - -"But now they say it won't last." - - * * * * * - -"That fellow," said Alfred Henry Lewis, the other day, when a certain -well-known Tammany man was mentioned, "puts up a good bluff, but there -is nothing to him. Open the front door and you are in his back yard." - - * * * * * - -Little Paul trying on his grandmother's glasses--"Grandma, what is it -between my eyes and the glasses, I can't see anything." - -"Eighty years, my dear." - - * * * * * - -To Richard Mansfield an enthusiastic woman admirer had paid tribute of -praise, adding: "I suppose, sir, that when in the spirit of those -great rles you forget your real self for days." - -"Yes, madam, for days, as well as nights. It is then I do those -dreadful things--trample on the upturned features of my leading lady -and hurl tenderloin steaks at waiters." - -"And you do not know of it at all?" - -"Not a solitary thing, until I read the papers the next day," said Mr. -Mansfield solemnly. - - * * * * * - -When Marquis Ito was in the United States, in 1901, an inexperienced -St. Paul reporter sought an interview with him. He met Ito's -secretary, and made known his mission. "Me newspaper man. Me writee -news. Me heardee marquis velly ill. He better to-day? You savve?" -began the reporter, to the secretary's amazement. But the latter was -equal to the occasion. "Me savve," he said gravely. "Marquis he no -better. Belly blad. Catchee cold. Doctor him no lettee him leave bled -to-day. You savve?" The interview proceeded in this way, but at its -termination the secretary, with a twinkle in his eye, remarked: "The -marquis is greatly fatigued by his arduous journey, but--" But the -reporter had fled. - - * * * * * - -Professor Phelps, who disliked mathematics, was once walking with -Professor Newton, who began discussing a problem so deep that his -companion could not follow it. He fell into a brown study, from which -he was aroused by Newton's emphatic assertion, "And that, you see, -gives us _x_!" "Does it?" asked Mr. Phelps, politely. "Why, doesn't -it?" exclaimed the professor, excitedly, alarmed at the possibility of -a flaw in his calculations. Quickly his mind ran back and detected a -mistake. "You are right, Mr. Phelps. You are right!" shouted the -professor. "It doesn't give us _x_; it gives us _y_." And from that -time Professor Phelps was looked upon as a mathematical prodigy, the -first man who ever tripped Newton. - - * * * * * - -Ambassador Choate and his daughter visited the restaurant made famous -by Dr. Samuel Johnson. It is the custom there to give the guests lark -pie, such as Johnson used to eat, and the Choates were served with one -of the pasties. Choate was in the chair that Johnson was wont to -occupy, and had just begun his meal, when his daughter exclaimed: -"Isn't it funny, papa? You are in Johnson's chair and eating a -tradition." "Eating a tradition!" retorted the ambassador struggling -valiantly; "I have got hold of one of Johnson's larks." - - * * * * * - -A New England school-teacher recited "The Landing of the Pilgrims" to -her pupils, then asked each of them to draw from their imagination a -picture of Plymouth Rock. One little fellow hesitated and then raised -his hand. "Well, Willie, what is it?" asked the teacher. "Please -teacher, do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster?" - - * * * * * - -An English gentleman had sent a private note to a marquis, on a -personal matter, by hand, and on the return of the man questioned him -as to his reception. "Ah, sir," said the man, "there's no use writing -him any letter, he can't see to read them. He's blind." - -"Blind!" - -"Yes, sir. He asked me twice where my hat was, and I had it on my head -all the time." - - * * * * * - -A magician was performing in a Kentucky town, and during the evening -announced that in his next trick he would need a pint flask of whisky. -No move was made to supply the liquor. "Perhaps you did not understand -me. Will some gentleman kindly loan me a pint flask of whisky?" Then a -lank man in the rear of the hall arose. "Mistah," said he, "will a -quart flask do?" "Just as well, sir," replied the magician, and every -gentleman in the hall arose with flask extended. - - * * * * * - -"Phoebe," said a mistress in reproof to her colored servant whom she -found smoking a short pipe after having repeatedly threatened to -discharge her if again caught in the act, "if you won't stop that bad -habit for any other reason do so because it is right. You are a good -church member--and, don't you know that smoking makes the breath -unpleasant, and that nothing unclean can enter Heaven?" "'Deed, -missie, I does," said the woman, "but bress' yo' heart, when I go to -Heaben I'll leave my bref behin'." - - * * * * * - -It was the custom of a certain deacon, when dining at the home of one -of his best friends, to drink a glass of milk, as a prelude to his -dinner. One day when the minister was scheduled to appear, instead of -the rich, foamy glass of milk, his friend placed beside his plate a -glass of milk punch. After the blessing, the deacon seized his glass -and drank to the last drop, and then exclaimed as he closed his eyes -and smacked his lips, "_Oh_, what a cow!" - - * * * * * - -Dean Hole of Rochester, England, told of a very innocent and obliging -curate who went to a Yorkshire parish where many of the parishioners -bred horses and sometimes raced them. A few Sundays after his arrival -he was asked to invite the prayers of the congregation for Lucy Grey. -He did so. They prayed for three Sundays for her. On the fourth, the -church clerk told the curate that he need not do it any more. "Why," -he asked, "is she dead?" "No," said the clerk, "she's won the -steeplechase." - - * * * * * - -The late Richard Henry Stoddard while endeavoring to procure an -impromptu luncheon for a number of his friends after his wife and the -servants had retired, found a box of sardines. His vigorous remarks, -inspired by the sardine-can's objections to the "open sesame" of a -dull jack-knife, attracted the attention of Mrs. Stoddard on the floor -above. - -"What _are_ you doing?" she called down. - -"Opening a can of sardines." - -"With what?" - -"A dashed old jack-knife," cried the exasperated poet; "what did you -think I was opening it with?" - -"Well, dear," she answered, "I didn't think you were opening it with -prayer." - - * * * * * - -"What is the matter with your father, Gladys?" asked the child's aunt. - -"He's awful sick with a headache," the little girl answered, "an' he's -hurt, too, 'cause mama said he's broke his resolution." - - * * * * * - -Colored people are proverbially fond of funerals, and Mrs. Walker's -cook was trying to make her mistress realize what she had missed by -not attending the funeral of a prominent citizen of their village. - -"Mis' Fanny," she said, "you sholy orto hev been thar. I ain' nevvah -seen sech a big funril in dis heah town. Dey had all de kerridges fum -bofe liberty stables, 'mos' all de private conveniences, an' dat new -fambly fum de North was dere in a two-hoss syringe!" - - * * * * * - -William Bourke Cochran took his seat in Congress on the day that the -House went into turmoil over the special report on post-office -affairs. "I suppose it looks like old times to you, Cochran," said a -friend, who, with others, had crowded around to welcome him back. Just -then such epithets as "coward," "knave," "scoundrel," and "liar," -hurtled across the chamber. "Well, I can't say it looks much like old -times," replied Cochran, "too many new faces for that. But it -certainly sounds like old times." - - * * * * * - -This happened in Scotland: The last edition of the newspapers had been -sold out and the newsboys were calculating their takings. "Hallo," -said Jimmy, in alarm, "I'm a 'a'penny short!" "Well, wats the use of -'arpin' on it?" growled Dick, as he calmly cracked a nut; "you don't -think I took it, do you?" "I don't say you 'ave. But there it is, I'm -a 'a'penny short, and you're eatin' nuts." - - * * * * * - -In _the_ "Diary of a Frenchman" by Flandrau, he makes a student say to -his chum: "I've an idea that we're going to have 'je suis bon' in -French to-day. I wish you would write out a few tenses for me." - -Whereupon his friend wrote: - - "Je suis bon. - Tu es bones, - Il est beans, - Nous sommes bon bons, - Vous tes bonbonnires, - Ils sont bon-ton." - - * * * * * - -Tolstoy told Isabel Habgard, who has translated many of his books, a -good story of one of his ancestors, an army officer, who was an -excellent mimic. One day he was impersonating the Emperor Paul to a -group of his friends, when Paul himself entered, and for some moments -looked on, unperceived, at the antics of the young man. Tolstoy -finally turned, and beholding the emperor, bowed his head and was -silent. "Go on, sir," said Paul; "continue the performance." The young -man hesitated a moment, and then, folding his arms and imitating every -gesture and intonation of his sovereign, he said: "Tolstoy, you -deserve to be degraded, but I remember the thoughtlessness of youth, -and you are pardoned." The czar smiling, said, "Well, be it so." - - * * * * * - -When President Nicholas Murray Butler was at college, certain freshmen -of his time made no scruple of stealing a pail of milk which a -dairyman daily placed outside the door of Mr. Butler's room while the -occupant was in class. In order to foil the boys, Mr. Butler printed a -sign in big letters, "I have poisoned this milk with arsenic." Upon -his return he found the milk intact, but added to the notice were -these words: "So have we." - - * * * * * - -There is an amusing story told of a clergyman, who, upon one of his -trips through the West, observed that almost every man he met and -spoke with used profanity. Finally he found one man who talked to him -for twenty minutes without using an oath. The clergyman shook hands -with him at parting and said: "You don't know how glad I am to have a -chance to have a talk with a man like you. You are the first man I -have met for three days who could talk for five minutes without -swearing." The stranger, shocked, instantly and innocently ejaculated: -"Well, I'll be d----d!" - - * * * * * - -The other day, while shopping, a lady accidentally picked up another -lady's umbrella from the counter, and had the mistake pointed out to -her in a rather frigid manner. She returned the umbrella with -apologies, and then remembered that she had no umbrella with her. - -As it had begun to rain, she bought one, as well as one for a birthday -present for a friend. With the two umbrellas in her hand, she boarded -a car and, as luck would have it, sat down opposite the lady whose -umbrella she had picked up earlier in the store. As the latter swept -out of the car she smiled again frigidly, and remarked to the lady of -the umbrellas, "I see you have had a successful day." - - * * * * * - -"If a fairy should appear to you and offer you three wishes," said the -imaginative young woman, "what would you do?" "I'd sign the pledge," -answered the matter-of-fact young man. - - * * * * * - -A summer tourist was passing through a German village in the West -recently, when a stout German girl came to the front door and called -to a small girl playing in front. "Gusty! Gusty!" she said, "come in -and eat yourself. Ma's on the table, and pa's half et!" - - * * * * * - -A university of Illinois professor is very popular among the students. -He was entertaining a group of them at his residence one night. Taking -down a magnificent sword that hung over the fireplace, he brandished -it about, exclaiming, "Never will I forget the day I drew this blade -for the first time." "Where did you draw it, sir?" an awe-struck -freshman asked. "At a raffle," said the professor. - - * * * * * - -In the vicinity of Germantown there lived a worthy old lady and her -son John, who were once called upon to entertain a number of ladies at -dinner during Quarterly meeting. As John began to carve the broiled -chickens, he entered upon a flowery speech of welcome, but in the -midst of his flattering utterances his mother, who was somewhat deaf, -piped up from the other end of the table: "You needn't be praisin' of -'em up, John, I'm afraid they're a lot of tough old hens, every one of -'em." - - * * * * * - -One of Pre Ollivier's flock, a very beautiful and handsomely dressed -woman, coming very late to church one Sunday morning, caused some -disturbance and stir among the worshipers by her entrance and -interrupted the flow of eloquence of the worthy father, who, very -irritable and easily put out, said: "Madame perhaps waited to take her -chocolate before coming to church?" To this, madame, unabashed, -graciously replied: "Yes, mon pre; and two rolls with it." - - * * * * * - -Of late years the House of Commons has seen some lively times. Many of -them have been brought about by the irascible but delightful Irish -member, Dr. Tanner. On one occasion, when he had been indulging rather -freely and his ever ready tongue being loosened, he met Sir Ellis -Ashmead Bartlett in the lobby, and taking him to one side he said, in -the greatest confidence, and without the slightest tinge of anger, but -with a world of meaning: "Bartlett, you are a fool." "You are drunk," -retorted the knight. "That's all right," replied Dr. Tanner. -"To-morrow I shall be sober, but you will still be a fool." - - * * * * * - -A reader for a New York publishing house gives the following, quoted -from a story submitted by an Indiana authoress, as being about the -choicest bit he has come across in many years: - - "Reginald was bewitched. Never had the baroness seemed to him - so beautiful as at this moment, when, in her dumb grief, she - hid her face." - - * * * * * - -An old negro living in Carrollton was taken ill recently, and called -in a physician of his race to prescribe for him. But the old man did -not seem to be getting any better, and finally a white physician was -called. Soon after arriving Dr. S---- felt the darky's pulse for a -moment, and then examined his tongue. "Did your other doctor take your -temperature?" he asked. "I don't know, sah," he answered, feebly; "I -haint missed nuthin' but mah watch yit, boss." - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Among the Humorists and After Dinner -Speakers, Vol. I, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMONG HUMORISTS, AFTER-DINNER SPEAKERS *** - -***** This file should be named 41249-8.txt or 41249-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/1/2/4/41249/ - -Produced by D Alexander, Matthew Wheaton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. I - A New Collection of Humorous Stories and Anecdotes - -Author: Various - -Release Date: October 31, 2012 [EBook #41249] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMONG HUMORISTS, AFTER-DINNER SPEAKERS *** - - - - -Produced by D Alexander, Matthew Wheaton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41249 ***</div> <div class="figcenter"> <img src="images/cover.jpg" width="400" height="600" alt="" /> @@ -10915,381 +10877,6 @@ moment, and then examined his tongue. “Did your other doctor take your temperature?” he asked. “I don’t know, sah,” he answered, feebly; “I haint missed nuthin’ but mah watch yit, boss.”</p> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Among the Humorists and After Dinner -Speakers, Vol. I, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMONG HUMORISTS, AFTER-DINNER SPEAKERS *** - -***** This file should be named 41249-h.htm or 41249-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/1/2/4/41249/ - -Produced by D Alexander, Matthew Wheaton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. I - A New Collection of Humorous Stories and Anecdotes - -Author: Various - -Release Date: October 31, 2012 [EBook #41249] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMONG HUMORISTS, AFTER-DINNER SPEAKERS *** - - - - -Produced by D Alexander, Matthew Wheaton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - [Illustration: OLIVER HERFORD] - - - - - AMONG THE HUMORISTS AND AFTER-DINNER SPEAKERS - - A NEW COLLECTION OF HUMOROUS STORIES AND ANECDOTES - - SELECTED AND ARRANGED BY WILLIAM PATTEN - - Editor of American Short Story Classics, - Foreign Short Story Classics, etc. - - VOL. I - - - P. F. COLLIER & SON - NEW YORK - - - COPYRIGHT 1909 BY P. F. COLLIER & SON - - - - - - PARTIAL LIST OF THE NAMES OF STORY-TELLERS IN THIS VOLUME - - - GEORGE ADE SIR WILFRID LAURIER - - BRET HARTE OLIVER HERFORD - - MARK TWAIN J. M. BARRIE - - SEC. OF STATE P. C. KNOX RICHARD MANSFIELD - - W. M. EVARTS JOHN SHARP WILLIAMS - - DE WOLF HOPPER J. G. BLAINE - - KING EDWARD OF ENGLAND PHILLIPS BROOKS - - JOSEPH JEFFERSON DANIEL J. SULLY - - LORD BEACONSFIELD BILL NYE - - ABRAHAM LINCOLN JOHN C. SPOONER - - ALVEY A. ADEE ROBERT EDESON - - PATRICK A. COLLINS ANDREW LANG - - HORACE T. EASTMAN BENJAMIN R. TILLMAN - - D. G. ROSSETTI WILLIAM E. GLADSTONE - - J. M. MACLAREN CHARLES LAMB - - DEAN SWIFT EDWIN BOOTH - - CLYDE FITCH WEEDON GROSSMITH - - J. MCNEILL WHISTLER SENATOR W. A. CLARK - - LEIGH HUNT FRANCIS WILSON - - EDWARD EVERETT HALE CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW - - DEAN HOLE ALBERT J. BEVERIDGE - - IRVING BACHELLER BEERBOHM TREE - - THOMAS B. REED HERBERT S. STONE - - J. C. S. BLACKBURN FRANK R. STOCKTON - - N. C. GOODWIN HENRY JAMES - - BRANDER MATTHEWS WILLIAM ALLEN WHITE - - ANDREW CARNEGIE BISHOP BREWSTER - - SPEAKER CANNON FREDERIC REMINGTON - - WALTER DAMROSCH JULIAN RALPH - - REV. ROBERT COLLYER SENATOR JOHN T. MORGAN - - REV. SAM JONES J. J. INGALLS - - DEAN KIRCHWEY ARCHBISHOP RYAN - - JOHN WANAMAKER J. A. TAWNEY - - HENRY GUY CARLETON THOS. BAILEY ALDRICH - - CHARLES FRANCIS ADAMS ELIHU ROOT - - - - - -_PREFACE_ - - -_The collection of these humorous paragraphs has extended over a -number of years. Even a small beginning became a source of such -entertainment that the collection grew and grew, always without any -thought of publication._ - -_The man who can not laugh has yet to be found. Therein lies that -immediate appeal to a common ground which the sense of humor gives, -and it has been a conspicuous characteristic of those who look to the -public for appreciation and support. Lord Palmerston and Abraham -Lincoln were two notable examples of men for whom sympathy quickened -through their ready wit, and no political speaker drives home his -arguments half so well as he who can introduce a witty illustration. -The joke has ever been a potent factor in combating oppression and -corruption, in ridiculing shams. It has embalmed some reputations, and -has blasted others. It is the champion of the weak against the strong, -and has often illuminated for us, as in a flash, a glimpse of -character or custom that would otherwise have been lost to the world._ - -_There is only one similar collection of which I am aware, the "Jest -Book" by Mark Lemon, who was for twenty-nine years the editor of -"Punch." Alas that there should be fashions in jokes as well as in -hats, for much of his book that we know must have been humorous -reading to his contemporaries, leaves us, of the present generation in -America, indifferent._ - -_I shall be glad if some of my readers are minded to do a graceful act -and send me, in return, some paragraphs to add to my collection._ - -_I wish to take this opportunity to thank the following publications -for the paragraphs borrowed from their columns:_ - -_Evening Sun, Lippincott's, Pittsburg Dispatch, San Francisco -News-Letter, Ladies' Home Journal, Washington Star, Mail and Express, -Youth's Companion, Life, Good Housekeeping, Argonaut, Buffalo -Commercial, Tit-Bits, Punch, The Tattler, Harper's Weekly, Harper's -Monthly, Democratic Telegram, Cleveland Plaindealer, Harvard Lampoon, -Judge, Philadelphia Ledger, Saturday Evening Post, Philadelphia -Evening Bulletin, Boston Herald, Kansas City Star, Washington Post, -Success, Atchison Globe, New York Times, Woman's Home Companion, -London Mail, Louisville Courier-Journal, Rochester Post-Express, New -York Tribune, New York Observer, Chicago Daily News, Pittsburg Post, -Pittsburg Observer, Philadelphia Public Ledger, New York World, -Pick-me-up, Harper's Bazar, The Green Bag, Tacoma Ledger, Pittsburg -Dispatch, The Wasp, Cornell Widow, Washington Post, Kansas City -Independent, Short Stories._ - -_W. P._ - - - - -AMONG THE HUMORISTS AND AFTER-DINNER SPEAKERS - - -There is a delicious flavor about this story of a Virginia lady, -married to a man who, though uniformly unsuccessful in his hunting -trips, boastingly spoke of his "killings." - -One day, returning from a trip, with the usual accompaniment of an -empty bag, it occurred to him that his wife would make fun of him if -he returned without even one proof of his oft-boasted skill. So he -purchased a brace of partridges to deceive his trusting spouse. As he -threw them on the table in front of her, he observed: "Well, my dear, -you see I am not so awkward with the gun after all." - -"Dick," replied the wife, turning from the birds with a grimace, after -a brief examination, "you were quite right in shooting these birds -to-day; to-morrow it would have been too late." - - * * * * * - -Uncle Toby was aghast at finding a strange darky with his arm around -Mandy's waist. - -"Mandy, tell dat niggah to take his ahm 'way from round yo' waist," he -indignantly commanded. "Tell him yo'self," said Mandy haughtily. "He's -a puffect stranger to me." - - * * * * * - -A Cockney tourist was on a visit to a Highland town famous for its -golf-links. Through wearing a pair of stiff leather gaiters several -sizes too large for him, he was compelled to walk bow-legged. Being a -very slow player, others were forced to wait for him at every hole. At -the fourth hole a Highlander after watching the visitor miss the ball -three times was unable to wait any longer, and drove his ball clean -between the tourist's legs. "What!" he of the gaitered legs yelled -furiously. "Do you call that golf?" "Mebbe no," replied the Gael, "but -it's very good croquet." - - * * * * * - -After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook hands -with a young German. - -"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector. - -"Yes," said the German, "I take the 7.45 every morning." - - * * * * * - -Meeting a negro, a certain Southern gentleman asked him how he was -getting on. - -The negro assumed a troubled look, and replied: - -"Oh, so far's physicality goes, I'm all right; but I sure do have ma -troubles wif ma wife." - -"Well, Sam, I'm sorry to hear that. What seems to be the matter?" - -"She thinks money grows on trees, I reckon. All de time she keeps -pesterin' me foh pinch o' change. If it ain't a dollah it's half or a -quarter she wants." - -"What on earth does she do with the money?" - -"I dunno. Ain't nevah give her none yet." - - * * * * * - -A mountaineer of one of the back counties of North Carolina was -arraigned with several others for illicit distilling. "Defendant," -said the court, "what is your name?" - -"Joshua," was the reply. - -"Are you the man who made the sun stand still?" - -Quick as a flash came the answer, "No, sir; I am the man who made the -moonshine." - - * * * * * - -"They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first -Napoleon than they do now," said a well-known Frenchman. "The emperor -one day met an old one-armed veteran. - -"'How did you lose your arm?' he asked. - -"'Sire, at Austerlitz.' - -"'And were you not decorated?' - -"'No, sire.' - -"'Then here is my own cross for you; I make you chevalier.' - -"'Your Majesty names me chevalier because I have lost one arm! What -would your Majesty have done had I lost both arms?' - -"'Oh, in that case I should have made you Officer of the Legion.' - -"Whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off his -other arm." - -There is no particular reason to doubt this story. The only question -is, how did he do it? - - * * * * * - -A stranger in Boston was interested to discover, when dining with -friends once, that the dessert he would have classed as cream layer -cake at home was known in Boston as "Washington pie." And the next -time he lunched at a restaurant, he ordered the same thing; but the -waiter put before him a rather heavy looking square of cake covered -with chocolate, instead of the cream cake the guest had made up his -mind to enjoy. A puzzled expression came over his face as he said -reprovingly, "I ordered _Washington_ pie, waiter." - -"That is Washington pie, sir." - -"Well," expostulated the disappointed man, "I did not mean Booker -T.--I want _George!_" - - * * * * * - -George Ade, automobiling in Indiana, dined at a country hotel among a -roomful of ministers. - -The ministers, who were holding a convention in the town, were much -amused when Mr. Ade's identity was disclosed to them. - -One of them said during dinner: - -"How does a humorist of your stamp feel, sir, in such reverend company -as this?" - -"I feel," said Mr. Ade promptly, "like a lion in a den of Daniels." - - * * * * * - -It was a crowded tram car. Among those who could not find seats was a -young lady. Close to where she stood an old man was sitting. He -struggled as if to rise. The young woman cast a glance of scorn at one -or two men hiding behind newspapers. "Please don't get up," she said -to the old man, "I beg you won't." The conductor rang the bell and the -car went on. The old man's features worked convulsively and he mopped -his face with his handkerchief. At the next stopping place he again -tried to rise and again the young woman tried to stop him. "I would -much rather stand," she said, continuing to block his way. "I don't -care whether you would or not," said the old man, crimson with fury, -"I want to get out. You've made me come half a mile too far already. -Here, you, stop the car." But it was too late, the bell had already -rung and he had to wait until the next stopping place was reached. - - * * * * * - -"I want some cigars for my husband for Christmas." - -"What kind, madam?" - -"Well, I don't know, exactly; but he is a middle-aged man and always -dresses in black." - - * * * * * - -John D. Rockefeller, Jr., tells a story of his father: - -"Father tells many stories. Sometimes he tells a new one. Not long ago -he related one to me that concerned a man who had imbibed rather too -freely. The man, in this condition, fell into a watering trough. To -the officer who came to help him out as he wallowed in the water, he -said: - -"'Offzer, I ken save self. You save women an' shildern.'" - - * * * * * - -"On Sunday, September 20, the wife of ---- of a daughter. Others -please copy." - - * * * * * - -Bret Harte was so frequently complimented as the author of "Little -Breeches" that he was almost as sorry it was ever written as was -Colonel John Hay, who preferred his fame to rest on more ambitious -works. A gushing lady who prided herself upon her literary tastes, -said to him once: "My dear Mr. Harte, I am so delighted to meet you. I -have read everything you ever wrote, but of all your dialect verse -there is none that compares to your 'Little Breeches.'" - -"I quite agree with you, madam," said Mr. Harte, "but you have put the -little breeches on the wrong man." - - * * * * * - -Mr. Knox, the Secretary of State in Taft's Cabinet, was formerly -engaged in the practise of law in Pittsburg. - -One day, says a friend, Mr. Knox was much put out to find on his -arrival at his office that everything was topsy-turvy and that the -temperature of his rooms was much too low for comfort. Summoning his -office-boy, a lad but recently entered his employ, the lawyer asked -who had raised every window in the place on such a cold morning. - -"Mr. Muldoon, sir," was the answer. - -"Who is Mr. Muldoon?" asked the attorney. - -"The janitor, sir." - -"Who carried off my waste-basket?" was the next question. - -"Mr. Reilly, sir." - -"And who is Mr. Reilly?" - -"He's the man that cleans the rooms." - -Mr. Knox looked sternly at the boy and said: "See here, Richard, we -call men by their first names here. We don't 'mister' them in this -office. Do you understand?" - -"Yes, sir." And the boy retired. - -In a few minutes he reappeared and in a shrill, piping voice -announced: - -"There's a gentleman that wants to see you, Philander." - - * * * * * - -A Scottish parson, still on the under side of forty, was driving home -from an outlying hamlet when he overtook a young woman. He recognized -her as the maid of all work at a farm which he would pass, so he -pulled up and offered her a lift. Mary gladly accepted his offer and -they chatted pleasantly all the way to the farm gate. - -"Thank you, sir," she said as she got down. - -"Don't mention it, Mary. Don't mention it," he told her politely. - -"No, I won't," Mary obligingly assured him. - - * * * * * - -A little girl was shown her newly-arrived baby brother. Looking at him -lovingly she said, "When will he talk, mother?" "Oh not for a long -time yet," said the mother. "Yes, but when?" persisted the child. -"Well, not for a year or so." After thinking for minute the child -exclaimed, "How funny. Miss Clark read out of the Bible this morning -that Job cursed the hour he was born." - - * * * * * - -W. A. Sponsler, when in the Pennsylvania State Legislature, was given -to the making of very elaborate and florid speeches, and one day -brought an address to a close with "_Vox populi, vox Dei_." - -"I'll bet you don't know the meaning of what Sponsler just said," said -Al Crawford to Hugh E. Mackin. - -"I don't know!" replied Mackin, indignantly. "Of course, I know!" - -"You don't know for ten dollars!" suggested Crawford. - -Mackin, still indignant, posted his part of the wager with another -member of the Legislature, and Crawford said tauntingly: - -"Well, now, tell us, what does it mean?" - -"_Vox populi, vox Dei_," quoted Mackin, solemnly, "as everybody knows, -is French for 'My God! why hast thou forsaken me?'" - -"Give him the money," said Crawford. "Darned if he don't know after -all!" - - * * * * * - -There is an old lady living in a small town in southern Pennsylvania -who makes great efforts to keep abreast of the times. Her -opportunities, however, are circumscribed, and she is sometimes -compelled to resort to her imagination. She went to a church sociable -lately, and as she entered the room one of the attendants said: - -"Good evening, auntie. I am glad you came. We are going to have -tableaux this evening." - -"Yes, I know," replied the old lady; "I smelt 'em when I first came -in." - - * * * * * - -Fifer was a dog of friendly and social habits, but when he wandered -into the lecture-tent at a well-known New Thought summer school and -went to sleep between the chairs, he did a very foolish thing. A woman -coming in poked him in the ribs with her parasol, startling him from -his peaceful dreams, and he sprang upon her with a savage bite. A man -grabbed him and he grabbed the man. The excitement was intense when an -earnest little woman standing on a chair cried, "Some one hold the -Thought!" "Hang the Thought!" shouted a man in the rear. "Some one -hold the dog!" - - * * * * * - -The boy was going away to school, full of high hope. - -"I shall make the football team and color two pipes the first year!" -he said bravely. - -His mother kissed him and wept. His father wrung his hand in silence. - -They were too full for speech then. - -But when he was gone, and they were calmer, they talked together of -him, and prayed his ambition might not carry him beyond his strength. - - * * * * * - -The car was entirely empty with the exception of one man, but as I -entered he rose, made me an unsteady but magnificent bow, and said: -"Madam, pleashe be kind 'nough to asshept thish plashe." - -There was nothing else for me to do, so I thanked him and sat down. -And for twenty blocks that idiot hung from a strap, swaying in the -breeze, with not a soul in the car but ourselves. Occasionally I have -been taken for other women; but I never before had any one think that -I was a carful. - - * * * * * - -Husband (after the theater)--"Well, how do you like the piece?" - -Wife--"Very much. There's only one improbable thing in it. The second -act takes place two years after the first, and they have the same -servant." - - * * * * * - -Thomas Hill (the original "Paul Pry") was endeavoring one evening to -cut up an orange in such a fashion as to represent a pig. After -strewing the table with about a dozen peels, he gave up the futile -experiment, saying, "Hang the pig! I can't make him at all." - -"Nonsense, Hill," said Theodore Hook, pointing to the table; "you have -done splendidly. Instead of a pig you have made a litter." - - * * * * * - -An elderly churchwarden in shaving himself one Sunday before -church-time made a slight cut with the razor on the extreme end of his -nose. Quickly calling to his wife, he asked her if she had any -court-plaster in the house. "You will find some in my sewing basket," -she said. The warden soon had the cut covered. At church in assisting -with the collection he noticed everyone smile as he passed the plate, -and some of the younger people laughed outright. Very much annoyed, he -asked a friend if there was anything wrong with his appearance. -"Well, I should think there is," was the answer. "What is that on your -nose?" "Court-plaster." "No," said his friend, "it is the label from a -reel of cotton. It says, 'Warranted 200 yd. long.'" - - * * * * * - -A man who stuttered very badly went to a specialist, and after ten -difficult lessons learned to say quite distinctly, "Peter Piper picked -a peck of pickled peppers." His friends congratulated him upon this -splendid achievement. - -"Yes," said the man, doubtfully, "but it's s-s-such a d-d-deucedly -d-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-work into an ordin-n-nary -c-c-convers-s-sa-tion, y' know." - - * * * * * - -Toastmaster (to chairman of public dinner)--"Would you like to propose -your toast now, my lord, or should we let 'em enjoy themselves a bit -longer?" - - * * * * * - -A visitor to a Sunday-school was asked to address a few remarks to the -children. He took the familiar theme of the children who mocked Elisha -on his journey to Bethel--how the youngsters taunted the poor old -prophet and how they were punished when two she bears came out of the -wood and ate forty-and-two of them. "And now, children," said he, -wishing to learn if his talk had produced any moral effect, "what does -this story show?" "Please, sir," came from a little girl well down in -the front, "it shows how many children two she bears can hold." - - * * * * * - -A curate who had left his parish on account of the attentions of his -lady parishioners, meeting his successor one day in the street asked -him how he got on in his new position. "Very well indeed," returned -the other. "But are not the ladies rather pressing in their -attentions?" "Oh, my dear fellow, I manage that all right, I find -safety in Numbers." "I see," returned his companion, "well, I found -safety in Exodus." - - * * * * * - -"I want some collars for my husband," said a lady in a department -store, "but I am afraid I have forgotten the size." - -"Thirteen and a half, ma'am?" suggested the clerk. - -"That's it. How on earth did you know?" - -"Gentlemen who let their wives buy their collars for 'em are almost -always about that size, ma'am," explained the observant clerk. - - * * * * * - -On a recent occasion before leaving Marlborough House new clothes were -ordered for Prince Edward, and according to custom a tailoress was -sent to fit him at a time which would not interfere with his lessons. -The tailoress duly arrived and was ushered to the Prince's -sitting-room, but on the door being opened she paused as she saw that -a gentleman, whose face was turned toward the fireplace, was sitting -smoking and chatting with the children. Prince Edward, whose manner is -most friendly, at once ran forward and told her to come in, and seeing -that she still hesitated added in a reassuring voice, "You needn't -mind, it's only grandpapa." - - * * * * * - -A physician engaged a nurse, recently graduated, for a case of -delirium tremens. The physician succeeded in quieting his patient and -left some medicine, instructing the nurse to administer it to him if -he "began to see snakes again." At the next call the physician found -the patient again raving. To his puzzled inquiry the nurse replied -that the man had been going on that way for several hours, and that -she had not given him any medicine. - -"But didn't I tell you to give it to him if he began to see snakes -again?" asked the physician. - -"But he didn't see snakes this time," replied the nurse confidently. -"He saw red, white, and blue turkeys with straw hats on." - - * * * * * - -Shortly after his entrance into political life Disraeli stood for a -certain Middlesex borough in the Conservative interest. It was a -"personally conducted" canvass, and, among others, the future Prime -Minister solicited the vote and interest of a well-to-do but somewhat -irascible farmer, who was supposed to be rather doubtful in his -political convictions. - -"Vote for you!" he shouted when Mr. Disraeli made known the object of -his call. "Why, I'd vote for the devil sooner." - -"Ah, quite so!" said Mr. Disraeli, suavely, "but in event of your -friend not standing, may I hope for your interest?" - - * * * * * - -An ambitious youth once sent his first MS. to Dumas, asking the -distinguished novelist to become his _collaborateur_. The latter was -astounded at the impertinence. Angrily seizing his pen, he wrote: "How -dare you, sir, yoke together a noble horse and a contemptible ass?" - -He received the following reply: - -"How dare you sir, call me a horse?" - -His anger vanished and he laughingly penned the following: - -"Send on your MS., my friend; I gladly accept your proposition." - - * * * * * - -An old farmer recently came into possession of a check for $200. He -finally summoned up nerve enough to go to the bank. - -"What denomination?" said the teller, hastily, as the check was passed -in through the window. - -"Luther'n, gol darn it. But what has that got to do with it?" - - * * * * * - -A young woman was in company with a university graduate, and naturally -the talk ran upon books. By and by there was a lull in the -conversation, broken presently by the young woman, who said: "What do -you think of Fielding, Mr. Smith?" - -"Oh," was the answer, "fielding is important, of course; but it isn't -worth much unless you have good pitching and batting." - - * * * * * - -General Frederick D. Grant said to his servant one morning: "James, I -have left my mess boots out. I want them soled." - -"Yes, sir," the servant answered. - -The general, dressing for dinner that night, said again: - -"I suppose, James, that you did as I told you about those boots?" - -James laid thirty-five cents on the bureau. - -"Yes, sir," said he, "and this is all I could get for them, though the -corporal who bought 'em said he'd have given half a dollar if pay day -hadn't been so far off." - - * * * * * - -President Lincoln once wrote to General McClellan, when the latter was -in command of the army. General McClellan, as is well known, conducted -a waiting campaign, being so careful not to make any mistakes that he -made very little headway. President Lincoln sent this brief but -exceedingly pertinent letter: - -"_My dear McClellan_: If you don't want to use the army I should like -to borrow it for a while. - - "Yours respectfully, - - "A. LINCOLN." - - * * * * * - -It was at a children's party in West Kensington. The youngsters had -just done more than justice to the luxurious spread provided by their -hostess, and games were now the order of the evening. - -"Now, children," said she, "we will play the zoo, and each of you must -represent a different animal." - -Then, going to a little girl, she asked: - -"Now, Carrie, what are you going to be?" - -"I'll be an elephant." - -"And you, Reggie, what are you going to be?" - -"I'm going to be a lion." - -"And what are you going to be, Hilda?" - -"I'm going to be a tiger." - -Then, crossing to the other side of the room, the hostess, noticing a -youngster sitting all alone, asked: - -"And what are you going to be, Tommy?" - -"P-please," was the halting reply, "p-please--I'm going--to be sick." - - * * * * * - -A man who had been convicted of stealing was brought before a certain -"down East" judge, well known for his tender-heartedness, to be -sentenced. - -"Have you ever been sentenced to imprisonment?" asked the judge, not -unkindly. - -"Never!" exclaimed the prisoner, suddenly bursting into tears. - -"Well, well, don't cry, my man," said his honor consolingly; "you're -going to be now." - - * * * * * - -The inventor of a new feeding bottle for infants sent out the -following among his directions for using: - -"When the baby is done drinking it must be unscrewed and laid in a -cool place under the hydrant. If the baby does not thrive on fresh -milk, it should be boiled." - - * * * * * - -A well-known New York clergyman was telling his Bible class the story -of the Prodigal Son at a recent session, and wishing to emphasize the -disagreeable attitude of the elder brother on that occasion, he laid -especial stress on this phase of the parable. After describing the -rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, he -spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in -the jubilant spirit of the occasion. - -"Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?" - -A small boy, who had been listening sympathetically to the story, put -up his hand. - -"I know," he said, beamingly; "it was the fatted calf." - - * * * * * - -"I understand," said the old-time friend, "that you are gettin' right -exclusive." - -"Well," answered Mr. Cumrox, "that's what mother an' the girls call -it." - -"What do you call it?" - -"Plain 'lonesome'." - - * * * * * - -"Tommy," said the hostess, "you appear to be in deep thought." - -"Yes'm," replied Tommy; "ma told me somethin' to say if you should ask -me to have some cake or anything, an' I bin here so long now I forgit -what it was." - - * * * * * - -A Boston minister once noticed a crowd of urchins clustered around a -dog of doubtful pedigree. - -"What are you doing, my little men?" he asked with fatherly interest. - -"Swappin' lies," volunteered one of the boys. "The feller that tells -the biggest one gets the purp." - -"Shocking!" exclaimed the minister. "Why, when I was your age I never -even _thought_ of telling an untruth." - -"Youse win," chorused the urchins. "The dog's yours, mister." - - * * * * * - -A Brooklyn Sunday-school teacher once had occasion to catechise a new -pupil whose ignorance of his Testament would have been amusing had it -not been so appalling. One Sunday she asked the little fellow how many -commandments there were. - -To her surprise, the lad answered, glibly enough: "Ten, ma'am." - -"And now, Sammy," pleasantly asked the teacher, "what would the result -be if you should break one of them?" - -"Then there'd be nine!" triumphantly answered the youngster. - - * * * * * - -William J. Carr, of the State Department, had occasion to call at the -house of a neighbor late at night. He rang the door-bell. After a long -wait a head was poked out of a second-floor window. - -"Who's there?" asked a voice. - -"Mr. Carr," was the reply. - -"Well," said the voice as the window banged shut, "what do I care if -you missed a car? Why don't you walk, and not wake up people to tell -them about it?" - - * * * * * - -A clever veterinary has a system all his own. When he received an -overfed toy dog he would consign him to a disused brick oven, with a -crust of bread, an onion and an old boot. When the dog began to gnaw -the bread, the anxious mistress was informed that her darling was -"doing nicely." When it commenced operation on the onion, word was -sent that the pet was "decidedly better"; but when the animal tackled -the boot, my lady was gratified to hear that her precious pet was -"ready to be removed." - - * * * * * - -A lady while going downstairs to dinner had the misfortune to step -slightly on the dress of a lady in front of her. The man on whose arm -the former was leaning rudely said aloud so that the couple in front -might hear, "Always getting in the way like Balaam's ass!" Upon which -the lady whose gown had been trodden on, turning round, replied with a -sweet smile, "Pardon me, it was the angel who stood in the way and the -ass which spoke." - - * * * * * - -A number of years ago, when the former Second Assistant Secretary of -State, Alvey A. Adee, was Third Assistant, an employee of the State -Department was called to the 'phone. - -"Will you kindly give me the name of the Third Assistant Secretary of -State?" asked the voice at the other end of the wire. - -"Adee." - -"A. D. what?" - -"A. A. Adee." - -"Spell it, please." - -"A." - -"Yes." - -"A." - -"Yes." - -"A----" - -"You go to the d----!" and the receiver was indignantly hung up. - - * * * * * - -Smith and Jones, talking about the Kaiser: - -Jones--"They tell me that unfortunately he is very bellicose." - -Smith--"Dear me! You surprise me! I always understood he was rather -tall and slim." - - * * * * * - -"I will be your valentine," said the young man. - -A shadow passed across the fair face of the girl. "I was so in hopes -that I would not get any comics this year," she said. - - * * * * * - -One of the favorite stories of Mayor Collins of Boston was about a man -who, accompanied by his little boy, had occasion to cross a lot where -a good-sized goat was feeding. - -The father was a Christian Scientist and always carried a copy of Mrs. -Eddy's works in his pocket. As they approached the goat the boy showed -fear, whereat his father told him to think it not possible for the -animal to harm them, but the boy, remembering a previous encounter -with a goat, in which he came out second best, did not grow any -braver. - -"Papa, you're a Christian Scientist, all right," he said, "and so am -I; but the goat doesn't know it." - - * * * * * - -Horace T. Eastman, the inventor of the locomotive pilot, said the -other day: - -"This morning I was sitting in a drug store waiting to get a -prescription filled when a young Irishman entered. - -"The Irishman pointed to a stack of green Castile soap and said: - -"'Oi want a lump o' thot.' - -"'Very well, sir,' said the clerk. 'Will you have it scented or -unscented?' - -"'Oi'll take ut with me,' said the Irishman." - - * * * * * - -Robert Smith, brother of Sydney Smith, and an ex-Advocate-General, on -one occasion engaged in an argument with a physician over the relative -merits of their respective professions. - -"I don't say that all lawyers are crooks," said the doctor, "but -you'll have to admit that your profession doesn't make angels of men." - -"No," retorted Smith; "you doctors certainly have the best of us -there." - - * * * * * - -Small chap--"Say, papa, what is the race problem?" - -Papa--"Picking winners." - - * * * * * - -The temperance society was to meet that afternoon. Mrs. Philpots -dressed in a hurry and came panting downstairs. She was a short, plump -woman. - -"Addie, run up to my room and get my blue ribbon rosette, the -temperance badge," she directed her maid. "I have forgotten it. You -will know it, Addie--blue ribbon and gold lettering." - -"Yas'm, I knows it right well." Addie could not read, but she knew a -blue ribbon with gold lettering when she saw it, and therefore had no -trouble in finding it and fastening it properly on the dress of her -mistress. - -Mrs. Philpots was too busy greeting her friends or giving close -attention to the speakers at the meeting to note that they smiled when -they shook hands with her. - -When she reached home, supper was served, so she went directly to the -dining-room, where the other members of the family were seated. - -"Gracious me, mother!" exclaimed her son. "That blue ribbon--have you -been wearing that at the temperance meeting?" - -A loud laugh went up on all sides. - -"Why, what is it, Harry?" asked the good woman, clutching at the -ribbon in surprise. - -"Why, mother, dear, didn't you know that was the ribbon I wore at the -show?" - -The gold lettering on the ribbon read: - - Atlanta Poultry Show. - First Prize. Bantam. - - * * * * * - -At a dinner party recently given the subject of regular hours and -plain diet was discussed. Several had spoken when one of the guests -remarked, "You may not believe it, but for ten years I rose on the -stroke of six, half an hour later was at breakfast, at seven was at -work, dined at one, had supper at six, and was in bed at 9.30. In all -that time I ate the plainest food and did not have a day's sickness." -The silence that followed was awful, but finally another guest asked, -"Will you permit a question?" "Certainly," was the reply; "what do you -wish to know?" "Well, just out of curiosity," said the other, "I would -like to know what you were in prison for?" - - * * * * * - -Watch--"Eight bells, and all's well!" - -Mrs. Pohunk (feebly)--"I guess, Josiah, he hasn't looked on this side -of the boat lately or he'd know better." - - * * * * * - -When the minister, who was a bachelor, had been helped to Mrs. -Porter's biscuits for the third time, he looked across the table at -Rhoda, staring at him with round, wondering eyes. - -"I don't often have such a good supper as this, my dear," he said, in -his most propitiatory tone, and Rhoda's face dimpled. - -"We don't, always," she said, in her clear little voice. "I'm awful -glad you came." - - * * * * * - -The late Charles Matthews now and then failed, like some of the rest -of us, in meeting his bills as promptly as the tradespeople concerned -could desire. - -On one occasion a brisk young tailor, named Berry, lately succeeded to -his father's business, sent in his account somewhat ahead of time. - -Whereupon Matthews, with virtuous rage, seized his pen and wrote him -the following note: - -"You must be a goose--Berry, to send me your bill--Berry, before it is -due--Berry. - -"Your father, the elder--Berry, would have had more sense. - -"You may look very black--Berry, and feel very blue--Berry, but I -don't care a straw--Berry, for you and your bill--Berry." - - * * * * * - -A clergyman in a Lawrence church on a recent occasion discovered, -after beginning the service, that he had forgotten his notes. As it -was too late to send for them, he said to his audience, by way of -apology, that this morning he should have to depend upon the Lord for -what he might say, but in the afternoon he would come better prepared. - - * * * * * - -An American visiting London for the first time, goaded to desperation -by the incessant necessity for tips, finally entered the wash-room of -his hotel, only to be faced with a large sign which read: "Please tip -the basin after using." "I'm hanged if I will!" said the Yankee, -turning on his heel, "I'll go dirty first!" - - * * * * * - -Mother could not attend church one Sunday. "But what a shame that -little Mabel should have to lose the day's lesson, and she _such_ a -bright child," she sadly reflected. Accordingly, Mabel was sent alone. -When she returned, in reply to her mother's interrogation as to the -subject of the text, she replied, "Oh, yes, mother, I know; it was -_'Don't get scared: You'll get the quilt.'_" Questioning failed to -throw any light on the matter. Some days later the mother met the -pastor, who, in answer to her request for the subject of his last -sermon, replied, "It was, madam, 'Fear not: Ye shall have the -Comforter.'" - - * * * * * - -Mark Twain in his lecturing days, reached a small Eastern town one -afternoon and went before dinner to a barber's to be shaved. - -"You are a stranger in town, sir?" the barber asked. - -"Yes, I am a stranger here," was the reply. - -"We're having a good lecture here to-night, sir," said the barber, "a -'Mark Twain' lecture. Are you going to it?" - -"Yes, I think I will," said Mr. Clemens. - -"Have you got your ticket yet?" the barber asked. - -"No, not yet," said the other. - -"Then, sir, you'll have to stand." - -"Dear me!" Mr. Clemens exclaimed. "It seems as if I always do have to -stand when I hear that man Twain lecture." - - * * * * * - -During the visit of the Shah Nasr-ed-Din to England he dined one night -with the then Prince of Wales, now King Edward. Among the courses was -one of asparagus, a delicacy unknown to the Shah. He considered it for -a time, discovered that the head alone was nice to eat, ate it -accordingly and flung the rest of the stalk over his shoulder. The -other diners were somewhat flabbergasted, but the tactful Prince, not -wishing his Persian guest to feel that he had done anything -ridiculous, promptly followed his example, throwing his own stalks -over his shoulder. Naturally all the courtiers imitated him in turn, -and the amazement of the royal servants was extreme to see the air -suddenly full of flying asparagus stalks from one end of the lengthy -room to the other. - - * * * * * - -On one of his frequent trips to the other side, the weather being more -than ordinarily rough, and the passengers on deck but few, the late -Bishop Potter saw a lady reclining on one of the benches, and the -unearthly pallor on her face and the hapless languidity of her manner -indicated that she had reached that state of collapse which marks the -limit of sea-sickness. "Touched by this piteous spectacle and -approaching the poor creature, in my most compassionate tone I asked, -'Madam, can I be of any service to you?' - -"She did not open her eyes, but I heard her murmur faintly: 'Thank -you, sir, but there is nothing you can do--nothing at all.' 'At least, -madam,' said I tenderly, 'permit me to bring you a glass of water.' -She moved her head feebly and answered: 'No, I thank you--nothing at -all.' 'But your husband, madam,' said I, 'the gentleman lying there -with his head in your lap--shall I not bring something to revive him?' -The lady again moved her head feebly, and again she murmured faintly -between gasps: 'Thank you, sir, but--he--is--not--my--husband. -I--don't--know--who he is!'" - - * * * * * - -"Well, Bobby, how do you like church?" asked his father, as they -walked homeward from the sanctuary, to which Bobby had just paid his -first visit. - -"It's fine," ejaculated the young man. "How much did you get, father?" - -"How much did I get? Why, what do you mean? How much what?" asked the -parent, astonished at this evident irreverence. - -"Why, don't you remember when the funny old man passed the money -around? I only got ten cents." - - * * * * * - -One day a fussy fellow met Father Healy of Dublin by the seashore and -thus accosted him: "Father Healy, I am undergoing a cure, and I take a -tumbler of sea water three times a day. Now, I've had my full -allowance to-day, but do you think I might have one, just one, tumbler -more?" - -Father Healy put his head on one side and looked at the ocean, lost in -thought. "Well," he said, at last, with a gravely judicial air, "I -don't think it would be missed." - - * * * * * - -Wm. M. Evarts asked by a lady if he did not think that woman was the -best judge of woman, he replied: "Not only the best judge, madam, but -the best executioner." - - * * * * * - -De Wolf Hopper was calling down a speaking-tube to the janitor of his -apartment in New York. Mr. Hopper, unable to get the information he -desired, finally blurted out, "Say, is there a blithering idiot at -the end of this tube?" The reply came back with startling rapidity, -"Not at this end, sir." - - * * * * * - -Mrs. S.--"Surely, John, you haven't brought anyone home to dinner?" - -Mr. S.--"Sure I have. Haven't you got anything for them?" - -"Why no, you told me you'd bring home a couple of lobsters for -dinner." - -"So I have, they're in the parlor." - - * * * * * - -One of his grandma's maids of honor tells the following story of -Prince Eddie when he was a few years younger: - -Just after King Edward's coronation, when he underwent an operation -for appendicitis and was lying convalescent, he sent for his -grandchildren. - -The little ones trooped into the room, cautioned by their nurse that -they must keep very quiet, and stood about their grandfather's bed. He -talked with them for a few minutes and they replied in awed whispers. -Then when the nurse told them they must go, Prince Eddie said: - -"But, grandpa, can't we see the baby?" - - * * * * * - -Rossetti's fondness for humorous stories and his interest in a -particular soldier of fortune, or rather of misfortune, are shown in -Hall Caine's autobiography. Beginning life as the secretary of Ruskin, -the man ultimately lived on his cleverness and audacity and made -Rossetti in particular his conscious and delighted victim. Feeble as -Rossetti was, the visits of this man did him good, and he laughed all -the evening and told droll stories himself. One of the latter was of a -man near to death to whom the clergyman came and said: "Dear friend, -do you know who died to save you?" "Oh, meenister, meenister," said -the dying man, "is this a time for conundrums?" - - * * * * * - -It is interesting to recall, apropos of the recent Milton celebration, -an anecdote of Milton that was told in an old family letter written in -1762, recently quoted in the columns of the London "Spectator": - -"Possibly you may not have heard this anecdote concerning him. John -Vallack--who, I believe, died after you came to Tavistock--told me it, -and he lived in London in 1696. Milton, as you know, was blind. -Charles the Second had the curiosity to see him, and said: 'God hath -punished you for your malice, etc., to my father by taking away your -eyesight.' - -"'Aye,' says Milton, 'but before I lost my eyes he lost his head.'" - - * * * * * - -In writing a sketch of Washington a pupil ended her essay by saying: -"Washington married a famous belle, Martha Custis, and in due time -became the father of his country." - - * * * * * - -A certain regiment was on the march from Philadelphia to Gettysburg -and the companies were ordered to move with a few minutes' interval -between them and to keep each other in sight, the band and drums -leading. - -The band soon got a long way ahead, and on reaching a bend, halted for -a few minutes' rest. Presently up galloped a mounted officer in hot -haste and shouted for the band sergeant. - -"What do you mean," he said, "by getting out of sight of the leading -company?" - -"We were not out of sight, sir," answered the sergeant. - -"What do you mean by telling me that!" exclaimed the officer in a -rage. "You were out of sight, I saw you myself." - - * * * * * - -Several ladies sat after a card party at the University Club a few -mornings ago, discussing the virtues of their husbands. "Mr. -Bingleton," said one of them, referring to her life partner, "never -drinks and never swears--indeed, he has no bad habits." "Does he ever -smoke?" some one asked. "Yes; he likes a cigar just after he has eaten -a good meal. But, I suppose, on an average, he doesn't smoke more than -once a month." - - * * * * * - -Ian Maclaren was talking to a group of literary beginners in New York. -"Begin your stories well," he said emphatically. "There's nothing like -a good beginning. Indeed, it's half the battle." Then with a smile -this excellent beginner of stories added: "Always bear in mind the -case of the young man who, desiring to marry, secured a favorable -hearing from his sweetheart's irascible father by opening the -interview with the words: 'I know a way, sir, whereby you can save -money.'" - - * * * * * - -Benevolent gentleman--"My little boy, have you no better way to spend -this beautiful afternoon than by standing in front of the gate, idling -away your time?" - -Boy--"I ain't idling away my time. There's a chump inside with my -sister, who is paying me ten cents an hour to watch for pa." - - * * * * * - -That famous Scotch physician, Dr. George Fordyce, was unfortunately -somewhat given to drink, and though he never was known to be dead -drunk, yet he was often in a state which rendered him unfit for -professional duties. One night when he was in such a condition, he was -suddenly sent for to attend a lady of title who was very ill. He went, -sat down, listened to her story, and felt her pulse. He found he was -not up to his work. He lost his wits and in a moment of forgetfulness -exclaimed, "Drunk, by Jove!" Still he managed to write out a mild -prescription. Early next morning he received a message from the noble -patient to call on her at once. Dr. Fordyce felt very uncomfortable. -The lady evidently intended to upbraid him either for giving an -improper prescription or for his disgraceful condition, but to his -surprise and relief she thanked him for his prompt compliance with her -pressing summons, and then confessed that he had rightly diagnosed her -case. That unfortunately she occasionally indulged too freely in -drink, but that she hoped he would preserve inviolable secrecy as to -the condition in which he had found her. Fordyce listened to her as -grave as a judge, then said: - -"Madam, you may depend on me. I shall be as silent as the grave." - - * * * * * - -A friend of Dean Swift one day sent him a turbot as a present by a -servant lad who had frequently been on similar errands but had never -received anything from the dean for his trouble. Having gained -admission he opened the study door, and putting down the fish on the -floor cried out rudely, "Master has sent you a turbot." "Young man," -said the dean rising from the chair, "is that the way you deliver a -message? Let me teach you better manners. Sit down in my chair; we -will change places, and I will show you how to behave in future." The -boy sat down, and the dean going out came up to the door, and making a -low bow said, "Sir, master presents his kind compliments, hopes you -are well, and requests your acceptance of a small present." "Does he?" -replied the boy. "Return him my best thanks, and there's half-a-crown -for yourself." The dean thus caught in his own trap laughed heartily -and gave the boy a crown for his ready wit. - - * * * * * - -A spunky little mule was trying to throw his darky rider and in -kicking about caught his hoof in a stirrup, upon which the darky cried -out in frightened tones, "Say, if you'se gwine to git on, I'se gwine -to git off." - - * * * * * - -"I ought not to be surprised by anything at my time of life," said a -well-known minister, "but one of my flock did manage to take my breath -away. I was preaching about the Father's tender wisdom in caring for -us all," he said. "I illustrated by saying that the Father knows which -of us grows best in sunlight and which of us must have shade. 'You -know you plant roses in the sunshine,' I said, 'and heliotrope and -geraniums; but if you want your fuchsias to grow they must be kept in -a shady nook.' After the sermon, which I hoped would be a comforting -one, a woman came up to me, her face glowing with pleasure that was -evidently deep and true. 'O, Dr. ----, I am so grateful for that -sermon,' she said, clasping my hand and shaking it warmly. My heart -glowed for a moment, while I wondered what tender place in her heart -and life I had touched. Only for a moment, though. 'Yes,' she went on, -fervently, 'I never knew before what was the matter with my -fuchsias.'" - - * * * * * - -There are some singular discounts allowed in the book trade. They were -happily illustrated on one occasion by Mark Twain. One day while the -humorist was connected with a publishing house he went into a book -store and picking up a volume asked the price. He then suggested that -as a publisher he was entitled to 50 per cent discount. To this the -clerk assented. - -"As I am also an author," said Mark, "it would appear that I am again -entitled to 50 per cent discount." - -Again the clerk bowed. - -"And as a personal friend of the proprietor," he modestly continued, -"I presume that you will allow me the usual 25 per cent. discount." - -Another bow from the salesman. - -"Well," drawled the unblushing humorist, "under these conditions I -think I may as well take the book. What's the tax?" - -The clerk took out his pencil and figured industriously. Then he said -with the greatest obsequiousness: - -"As near as I can calculate we owe you the book and about 37-1/2 -cents." - - * * * * * - -Clyde Fitch tells a new story of Whistler. The artist was in Paris at -the time of the coronation of King Edward, and at a reception one -evening a duchess said to him: "I believe you know King Edward, Mr. -Whistler." - -"No, madame," replied Whistler. - -"Why, that's odd," she murmured; "I met the King at a dinner-party -last year, and he said that he knew you." - -"Oh," said the painter, "that was just his brag." - - * * * * * - -A London friend who was a member of the same club as Mr. Whistler -writes me this, which I have not seen before in print. It seems that -the gentle artist in making enemies had not paid his dues and was -dunned for them in vain. He either took no notice of requests for a -settlement, or replied to them with his usual airy mockery. Finally -the secretary wrote to him: - -_"Dear Mr. Whistler_--It is not a Nocturne in Purple, or a Symphony in -Blue and Gray, that we are after, but An Arrangement in Gold and -Silver." - -This drew forth the required pounds and shillings. - - * * * * * - -Here is another story typical of the great maker of enemies: - -Whistler had a French poodle of which he was extravagantly fond. The -poodle was seized with an affection of the throat, and Whistler had -the audacity to send for the great throat specialist Mackenzie. - -Sir Morell, when he saw that he had been called in to treat a dog, -didn't like it much, it was plain. But he said nothing. He prescribed, -pocketed a big fee, and drove away. - -The next day he sent post-haste for Whistler; and Whistler, thinking -he was summoned on some matter connected with his beloved dog, dropped -his work and rushed like the wind to Mackenzie's. - -On his arrival Sir Morell said gravely: - -"How do you do, Mr. Whistler? I wanted to see you about having my -front door painted." - - * * * * * - -A story is told of a very popular cavalry officer. He was being tried -for drunkenness, and among other witnesses was his Irish orderly. The -court, anxious to give the officer every chance, put several questions -to this witness with a view of eliciting any facts that might be in -his master's favor. When the orderly said that his master, on going to -bed, had expressed a wish to be called early, the members of the -court-martial were distinctly pleased. - -A man who gave special instructions to be called early could not, -surely--they argued to themselves--have been drunk. Hoping to get -favorable particulars, the judge advocate put a further question. - -"And why did the major wish to be called early?" he asked. - -"Faith, an' he tould me it was because he was to be Queen of the May," -came the answer. - -That settled it. - - * * * * * - -A college professor, noted for his concentration of thought, returned -home from a scientific meeting one night, still pondering deeply upon -the subject that had been discussed. As he entered his room he heard a -noise that seemed to come from under the bed. - -"Is there some one there?" he asked absently. - -"No, professor," answered the intruder, who knew of his peculiarities. - -"That's strange," muttered the professor. "I was almost sure I heard -some one under the bed." - - * * * * * - -Fond Mother--"Jane, has Johnny come home from school yet?" - -Jane--"I think so. I haven't seen him, but the cat is hiding under the -stove." - - * * * * * - -Somebody told Mr. Jenks that red flannel worn next to the skin would -cure the rheumatism from which he suffered. So he purchased several -sets of red flannel undergarments. The clerk assured him that the firm -guaranteed the goods in every particular. About two months later, says -the New York "Times," Mr. Jenks revisited the shop, sought out the -proprietor and told his woful story. - -"The goods are the best in the house," declared the proprietor. "Of -course," he said, in a reasonable tone used on unreasonable persons, -"of course the shirts may have shrunk or faded a little--" - -"Shrunk! Faded!" bellowed Mr. Jenks. "What do you think my wife said -to me, when I came down to breakfast yesterday with one of them on?" - -The proprietor looked bored. - -"Well, sir," said the aggrieved Jenks, "she looked at me a minute, and -then said, 'What is that little red line round your neck John? It -isn't the baby's string of coral beads, is it?'" - - * * * * * - -"Now, Tommy," said Mrs. Bull, "I want you to be good while I'm out." - -"I'll be good for a nickel," replied Tommy. - -"Tommy," she said, "I want you to remember that you can not be a son -of mine unless you are good for nothing." - - * * * * * - -Bill Jones is a country storekeeper down in Louisiana, and last spring -he went to New Orleans to purchase a stock of goods. The goods were -shipped immediately and reached home before he did. When the boxes of -goods were delivered at his store by the drayman his wife happened to -look at the largest; she uttered a loud cry and called for a hammer. -A neighbor, hearing the screams, rushed to her assistance and asked -what was the matter. The wife, pale and faint, pointed to an -inscription on the box which read as follows: - -"Bill inside." - - * * * * * - -Customer--"Are these five or six wedding rings all you have in stock? -Why, you've got a whole trayful of engagement rings." - -Jeweler--"Yes, sir, and it will take that whole trayful of engagement -rings to work off those five or six wedding rings." - - * * * * * - -They were newly married and on a honeymoon trip. They put up at a -skyscraper hotel. The bridegroom felt indisposed, and the bride said -she would slip out and do a little shopping. - -In due time she returned and tripped blithely up to her room, a little -awed by the number of doors that looked all alike. But she was sure of -her own and tapped gently on the panel. - -"I'm back, honey; let me in," she whispered. - -No answer. - -"Honey, honey, let me in!" she called again, rapping louder. Still no -answer. - -"Honey, honey, it's Mabel. Let me in." - -There was silence for several seconds; then a man's voice, cold and -full of dignity, came from the other side of the door: - -"Madame, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom." - - * * * * * - -Leigh Hunt was asked by a lady at dessert if he would not venture on -an orange. "Madam," he replied, "I should be happy to do so, but I am -afraid I should tumble off." - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Prattle looked at her visitor with reproach in her wide blue -eyes. "Talk," she said eagerly, "our baby talk? Well, I guess he can. -He's three months younger than my cousin's boy and he's a year ahead -of him in language. You know often people tell you their children can -say things, and when you hear them you have to work hard with your -imagination to tell what they're saying. - -"Now, there's my cousin's baby--the one I spoke of. They declare that -child has a vocabulary of fifteen words, but, my dear, if you could -hear him. He says 'bay' for bread, and 'flis' for fish, and 'cang' for -candle, and 'hort' for horse, and 'apa' for father. Now I'll try -Harold with those very words, and you'll see the difference. - -"Say bread, Harold--bread--bre-e-ad." - -"Wed," said the baby. - -"Now say fish, fi-sh." - -"Whish," said the baby. - -"And now horse," said Harold's mother. "Horse--ho-orse, ho-r-se." - -"Woss," said the baby. - -"And now will precious say father, fa-ather, fa-a-ar-ther?" - -"Wahwah," said the baby. - -"There, you see!" cried Mrs. Prattle in triumph. "He seems to catch -the sound of every word. Now say good-by, darling, and then nurse -will take you upstairs. Good-by--goo-ood-by-y-y." - -"Wy wy," said the baby. - - * * * * * - -The superintendent of a Sunday-school class in Philadelphia recently -called upon a visitor to "say a few words" to the class, the members -of which are mostly children of tender age. - -The visitor, a speaker well known for his verbose and circumlocutory -mode of speech, began his address as follows: - -"This morning, children, I purpose to offer you an epitome of the life -of St. Paul. It may be perhaps that there are among you some too young -to grasp the meaning of the word 'epitome.' - -"'Epitome,' children, is in its signification synonymous with -synopsis." - - * * * * * - -A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last -season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white -picture-hat. - -"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd -look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk." - - * * * * * - -A few years ago the celebrated Potter family, of which Bishop Potter -was a member, held a reunion the chief feature of which was a banquet. -During the banquet the various heads of the different families of -Potters arose and gave a short account of the pedigrees and deeds of -their ancestors and each head seemed to be able to demonstrate that -their branch was the oldest and most renowned. After all the speakers -had finished, Honorable William M. Evarts, who was present as the -legal adviser of the New York branch, was called upon for a speech and -responded by saying that he felt there was little left for him to say, -but after listening to the ancestry and history of the family he felt -he could cast his eyes toward heaven and say, "Oh, Lord! thou art the -clay and we are the Potters." - - * * * * * - -A Massachusetts minister was making his first visit to Kentucky -several years ago. He had to spend the night in a small mountain town -where feuds and moonshine still abounded. Engaging in conversation -with one of the natives, he said: - -"My friend, this is a very bibulous State, I hear." - -"Lord!" replied the man, "there hain't twenty-five Bibles in all -Kentucky." - - * * * * * - -An elderly gentleman opposed to the use of tobacco approached a young -man who stood on a street corner smoking a cigar, and asked him -severely, "How many cigars a day do you smoke?" "Three," was the -reply. "How much do you pay for them?" he went on. "Fifteen cents -each," replied the young man patiently. "Do you realize," went on his -inquisitor, "that if you would save that money, by the time you are as -old as I am you would own that big building on the corner?" "Do _you_ -own it?" inquired the smoker. "No," was the response. "Well, I do," -said the young man. - - * * * * * - - EVERYBODY'S FRIEND IN NOVA SCOTIA - - J. R. FULLER, - - Dealer in - Soft and Hard Coal, Ice Cream, - Wood, Lime, Cement, Perfumery, Nails, - Putty, Spectacles, and Horse Radish. - Chocolate Caramels and Tar Roofing, - Gas-Fitting and Undertaking in all - its Branches. - - Hides, Tallow, and Maple Sirup, Fine Gold - Jewelry, Silverware, and Salt, Glue, - Codfish, and Gents' Neckwear. - Undertaker and Confectioner. - Diseases of Horses and Children a - Specialty. - Five Islands, N. S. - - * * * * * - -A Lady going out for the day locked everything up carefully, and for -the grocer's benefit left a card on the back door. - -"All out. Don't leave anything," it read. - -On her return she found her house ransacked and all her choicest -possessions gone. To the card on the door was added, "Thanks. We -haven't left much." - - * * * * * - -"Edward Everett Hale," said a lawyer, "was one of the guests at a -millionaire's dinner. - -"The millionaire was a free spender, but he wanted full credit for -every dollar put out. - -"And as the dinner progressed, he told his guests what the more -expensive dishes had cost. - -"'This terrapin,' he would say, 'was shipped direct from Baltimore. A -Baltimore cook came on to prepare it. The dish actually cost one -dollar a teaspoonful.' - -"So he talked of the fresh peas, the hot-house asparagus, the Covent -Garden peaches, and the other courses. He dwelt especially on the -expense of the large and beautiful grapes, each bunch a foot long, -each grape bigger than a plum. He told down to a penny what he had -figured it out that the grapes had cost him apiece. - -"The guests looked annoyed. They ate the expensive grapes charily. But -Dr. Hale, smiling, extended his plate and said: - -"'Would you mind cutting me off about $1.87 worth more, please?'" - - * * * * * - -Joe Jefferson had but one person with him who did not reverence the -man and the name. - -This individual, one Bagley by name, was the property man and annoyed -the great comedian with undue familiarity. He had called Mr. Jefferson -"Joey" during his entire thirty years' service. - -Just previous to an auspicious opening in one of the big cities, Mr. -Jefferson discharged Bagley for humiliating him before a number of -friends. Bagley got drunk right away, and that night paid his way to -the gallery to see Mr. Jefferson present "Rip Van Winkle." The angry -Frau has just driven poor, destitute Rip from the cottage when Rip -turns and, with a world of pathos, asks: "Den haf I no interest in -dis house?" The house is deathly still, the audience half in tears, -when Bagley's cracked voice responds: "Only eighty per cent, -Joey--only eighty per cent." - - * * * * * - -Dean Hole, the noted English clergyman who died recently, was the -leading figure in many humorous stories. On one occasion he was -crossing the Channel after a visit to the Continent, the voyage being -very stormy. - -The Dean was a bad sailor and had suffered a great deal on the trip. -At Dover he was looking over the railway company's rules on the -station wall as a passenger came up. Said the Dean: "After that stormy -voyage we have at least one advantage in making the subsequent trip to -London. I see the company carries returning empties at reduced rates." - - * * * * * - -Gilbert Stuart, though a celebrated artist, was likewise a great -braggart. On one occasion a great public dinner was given to Isaac -Hull by the town of Boston, and he was asked to sit for his picture to -the artist. - -When Hull visited the studio Stuart took great delight in entertaining -him with anecdotes of his English success, stories of the marquis of -this and the baroness of that, which showed how elegant was the -society to which he had been accustomed. - -Unfortunately, in the midst of this grandeur, Mrs. Stuart, who did not -know that there was a sitter, came in with apron on and her head tied -up with some handkerchiefs, from the kitchen, and cried out: "Do you -mean to have that leg of mutton boiled or roasted?" to which Stuart -replied, with great presence of mind, "Ask your mistress." - - * * * * * - -This story is related of an old-time Judge in Sullivan County, N. Y.: - -During a session of court there was so much talking and laughter going -on that the Judge, becoming angry and confused, shouted in great -wrath: - -"Silence, here! We have decided half a dozen cases this morning, and I -have not heard a word of one of them." - - * * * * * - -Irving Bacheller, the author of "Eben Holden," went a little farther -north than usual one summer while on his vacation, and penetrated -Newfoundland. He caught a good many fish, but this did not prevent his -keeping an eye on the natives. He was particularly impressed by the -men who spent the day lounging about the village stores. - -"What do you fellows do when you sit around the store like this?" he -asked of the crowd arranged in a circle of tilted chairs and empty -boxes and maintaining a profound silence. - -"Well," drawled one of the oldest, "sometimes we set and think, and -then again other times we jest set." - - * * * * * - -Not long before his death Thomas B. Reed visited some friends at their -summer residence at Watch Hill, R. I. Late in the afternoon he was -driven up to Westerly to take the 7 o'clock train for Boston. It was -a warm evening, the horses lagged and he missed the train, the last -Boston-bound train stopping at Westerly that night. - -As Mr. Reed had an important engagement in Boston early the next day, -he seemed worried until he learned that there was a Boston express -which passed Westerly at 9 o'clock. Then he smiled. - -Going to the telegraph office, he directed a telegram to the -superintendent of the road in Boston, and sent the following message: - -"Will you stop the 9 o'clock express at Westerly to-night for a large -party for Boston." - -The answer came: "Yes. Will stop train." - -Mr. Reed read the message, and smiled. When the train pulled in Mr. -Reed quietly started to board it, when the conductor said: "Where is -that large party we were to stop for?" - -"I am the large party," replied Mr. Reed, and he boarded the train. - - * * * * * - -Wilfred was sitting upon his father's knee watching his mother -arranging her hair. - -"Papa hasn't any Marcel waves like that," said the father, laughingly. - -Wilfred, looking up at his father's bald pate, replied, "Nope; no -waves; it's all beach." - - * * * * * - -The Prince of Wales is fond of telling a good story to his friends in -connection with his visit to Ottawa some few years ago. The -Prince--then Duke of York--stole away for a quiet bicycle spin early -one morning, and in his ramblings met a farmer, heading marketward, -his wagon temporarily stalled by the loss of a nut belonging to the -whiffletree bolt. His Royal Highness, with his usual democratic -kindness, assisted him in putting things right. On parting, the farmer -expressed his rough thanks and asked if he might know the name of the -person to whom he was indebted. The royal cyclist replied modestly: "I -am the Duke of York. And may I ask whom I have the pleasure of -addressing?" A broad, amused smile beamed from the farmer's face as he -said: "Me! Me! Why, I'm your uncle, the Czar of Russia!" - - * * * * * - -"All right on behind there?" called the conductor from the front of -the car. - -"Hold on," cried a shrill voice. "Wait till I get my clothes on!" - -The passengers craned their necks expectantly. A small boy was -struggling to get a basket of laundry aboard. - - * * * * * - -One of the jokes of which Kentuckians never grow weary concerns -Senator Blackburn and his loyal appreciation of the liquid products of -his native State. The Senator had gone to pay a visit to a friend of -his who lived many miles distant. His friend met the Senator as he -alighted at the station. - -"How are you Joe?" his friend asked. - -"I'm up against it," was the reply. "I lost the best part of my -baggage en route." - -"Did you misplace it, or was it stolen?" his friend inquired -solicitously. - -"Neither," said the Senator. "The cork came out." - - * * * * * - -Kentucky Tailor--"What size shall I make your hip pockets, Colonel, -pint or quart?" - - * * * * * - -Once, during his second term, Grover Cleveland was asked to speak at a -function in a certain town, and when he arrived at the depot the wind -was blowing a gale, sleet was driving, and hailstones nearly as large -as marbles were fiercely falling. Of course, the inevitable brass band -was there, and at the sight of the President the performers struck up -with all the strenuosity at their command. - -"That is the most realistic music I ever heard," remarked Cleveland. - -"What are they trying to play?" asked Secretary Olney, who accompanied -him. - -"'Hail to the Chief'!" replied the President, with a cheerful smile. - - * * * * * - -The chaplain of one of his Majesty's ships was giving a magic-lantern -lecture, the subject of which was "Scenes from the Bible." He arranged -with a sailor who possessed a gramophone to discourse appropriate -music between the slides. The first picture shown was Adam and Eve in -the Garden of Eden. The sailor cudgeled his brain but could think of -nothing suitable. "Play up," whispered the chaplain. Suddenly a large -idea struck the jolly tar and to the great consternation of the -chaplain and the delight of the audience the gramophone burst forth -with the strains of "There's only one girl in the world for me." - - * * * * * - -The craze for giving and accepting coupons for purchases of -merchandise, to be redeemed by prizes, was given a more or less -merited rebuke by Nat C. Goodwin. He bought a bill of goods, and the -salesman offered him the coupons that the amount of the purchase -called for. Mr. Goodwin shook his head. "I don't want 'em," he said. - -"You had better take them, sir," persisted the clerk; "we redeem them -with very handsome prizes. If you can save up a thousand coupons we -give a grand piano." - -"Say, look here," replied Mr. Goodwin, "if I ever drank enough of your -whisky or smoked enough of your cigars to get a thousand of those -coupons I wouldn't want a piano. I'd want a harp." - - * * * * * - -He--"You've got to have a pull to get ahead." - -She--"Yes, and you've got to have a head to get a pull." - - * * * * * - -A Southern lawyer tells of a case that came to him at the outset of -his career, wherein his principal witness was a darky named Jackson, -supposed to have knowledge of certain transactions not at all to the -credit of his employer, the defendant. - -"Now, Jackson," said the lawyer, "I want you to understand the -importance of telling the truth when you are put on the stand. You -know what will happen, don't you, if you don't tell the truth?" - -"Yassir," was Jackson's reply; "in dat case I expects our side will -win de case." - - * * * * * - -The Suitor--"They say that Love is blind." - -The Heiress--"But nowadays he has a marvelous sense of touch." - - * * * * * - -A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in a -suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary -question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, -which did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the next -person. - -The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then, -concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to -the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother's -thirty-one!" - - * * * * * - -One of the uptown banks, on a conspicuous corner, gained a bad name -with the daily crowd of New York pedestrians. Its financial standing -was of course beyond question, but its clock ran on a very eccentric -and confusing system. The timepiece stood in a spot easily observable -and was consulted for years in spite of its tendency to wander from -strict accuracy. A woman excusing her lateness for luncheon said she -thought she was on time by the clock in the bank. - -"Oh, nobody can go by that," said her companion contemptuously. "We -call that the bank where the wild time grows." - - * * * * * - -In a certain home where the stork recently visited there is a -six-year-old son of inquiring mind. When he was first taken in to see -the new arrival he exclaimed: "Oh, mamma, it hasn't any teeth! And no -hair!" Then, clasping his hands in despair, he cried: "Somebody has -done us! It's an old baby." - - * * * * * - -A prominent railroad man hurried down the lobby of a Binghamton hotel -and up to the desk. He had just ten minutes in which to pay his bill -and reach the station. Suddenly it occurred to him that he had -forgotten something. - -"Here, boy," he called to a negro bellboy, "run up to 48 and see if I -left a box on the bureau. And be quick about it, will you?" - -The boy rushed up the stairs. The ten minutes dwindled to seven and -the railroad man paced the office. At length the boy appeared. - -"Yas, suh," he panted breathlessly. "Yas, suh, yo' left it, suh!" - - * * * * * - -A Boston minister tells of a little girl friend of his who, one day, -proudly displayed for his admiration a candy cat. - -"Are you going to eat it?" the minister asked. - -"No, sir; it's too pretty to eat. I'm going to keep it," the little -girl replied, as she stroked it with a moist little hand. - -Several days later the minister saw her again, and inquired about the -cat. - -A regretful look came into her eyes. - -"It's gone," she sighed. "You see, I saved it and saved it, till it -got so dirty that I just _had_ to eat it." - - * * * * * - -"Only fools are certain, Tommy; wise men hesitate." - -"Are you sure, uncle?" - -"Yes, my boy; certain of it." - - * * * * * - -"My rubber," said Nat Goodwin, describing a Turkish bath that he once -had in Mexico, "was a very strong man. He laid me on a slab and -kneaded me and punched me and banged me in a most emphatic way. When -it was over and I had gotten up, he came up behind me before my sheet -was adjusted, and gave me three resounding slaps on the bare back with -the palm of his enormous hand. - -"'What in blazes are you doing?' I gasped, staggering. - -"'No offense, sir,' said the man. 'It was only to let the office know -that I was ready for the next bather. You see, sir, the bell's out of -order in this room.'" - - * * * * * - -"I want to know," said the irate matron, "how much money my husband -drew out of this bank last week." "I can't give you that information, -ma'am," answered the man in the cage. "You're the paying teller, -aren't you?" "Yes, but I'm not the telling payer." - - * * * * * - -A lady once showed her little girl a beautiful new silk dress which -had just arrived from the dressmaker, and by way of improving the -occasion she said: "You know, dear, all this was given us by a poor -worm." The little girl looked puzzled for a minute or two and then -said: "Do you mean dad, mama?" - - * * * * * - -When Blaine was a young lawyer, and cases were few, he was asked to -defend a poverty-stricken tramp accused of stealing a watch. He -pleaded with all the ardor at his command, drawing so pathetic a -picture with such convincing energy that at the close of his argument -the court was in tears and even the tramp wept. The jury deliberated -but a few minutes and returned the verdict "not guilty." Then the -tramp drew himself up, tears streaming down his face as he looked at -the future "Plumed Knight," and said: "Sir, I have never heard so -grand a plea, I have not cried before since I was a child. I have no -money with which to reward you, but (drawing a package from the depths -of his ragged clothes), here's that watch; take it and welcome." - - * * * * * - -The other day an ingenious-looking person called with the message to -the housewife that her husband had sent him for his dress suit, which -was to be pressed and redone by the tailor. - -"Dear me," said the housewife, "he said nothing to me about it. Did he -look quite well?" - -"Yes, mum; he wuz in good health and spirits." - -"And he seemed quite as if he knew what he was about?" - -"He did that, mum." - -"And did he look as if he were quite content with things about him?" - -"He was all that, mum." - -"Well," said the lady, "it seems strange that he should only think of -that dress suit now, because it's ten years since he's dead and -buried, and I've often wondered how he's been getting on." - - * * * * * - -Two friends were walking down Bond Street, London. A man came up and -saluted the elder: "How do you do, Lord ----?" - -"Ah! how-do? Glad to see you. How's the old complaint?" - -The stranger's face clouded over and he shook his head. "No better." - -"Dear me; so sorry. Glad to have met you. Good-by." - -"Who's your friend?" asked the other, when the stranger was gone. - -"No idea." - -"Why, you asked him about his old complaint!" - -"Pooh, pooh!" replied the nobleman, unconcernedly. "The old fellow's -well over sixty; bound to have something the matter with him." - - * * * * * - -"Did you tip the waiter?" - -"Yes, so to speak. I turned him down." - - * * * * * - -Dr. Jowett of Oxford was a formidable wit. At a gathering at which he -was present the talk ran upon the comparative gifts of two Balliol men -who had been made respectively a judge and a bishop. Prof. Henry -Smith, famous in his day for his brilliancy, pronounced the bishop to -be the greater man of the two for this reason: "A judge, at the most, -can only say, 'You be hanged,' whereas a bishop can say, 'You be -damned!'" - -"Yes," said Dr. Jowett, but if the judge says, "'You be hanged,' you -_are_ hanged." - - * * * * * - -"I'm so glad you've come. We're going to have a young married couple -for dinner." - -"I'm glad too. They ought to be tender." - - * * * * * - -"I pay as I go," declared the pompous citizen. - -"Not while I'm running these apartments," declared the janitor. -"You'll pay as you move in." - - * * * * * - -Among seven distinguished men who were to speak at the opening -exercises of a new school was a professor well known for his lapses of -memory. But his speech was clear that night, and as he seated himself -his loving wife felt that he had fully earned the burst of applause -that followed, and she clapped her little hands enthusiastically. -Then her cheeks crimsoned. - -"Did you see anything amusing about the close of my address, my dear?" -asked the Professor as they started for home. "It seemed as if I heard -sounds suggestive of merriment about me." - -"Well, dear," said she, "of all the people who applauded your address, -you clapped the loudest and longest." - - * * * * * - -Teacher--"What is the Hague tribunal?" - -Willie--"The Hague tribunal ar--" - -Teacher--"Don't say 'The Hague tribunal are,' Willie; use is." - -Willie--"The Hague tribunal isbitrates national controversies." - - * * * * * - -Sir Wilfrid Laurier was once on an electioneering tour in Ontario and, -as the elections were bitterly contested, every effort was made to -stir up race and religious prejudice. One day a Quebec Liberal sent -this telegram to Sir Wilfrid: "Report in circulation in this country -that your children have not been baptized. Telegraph denial." To this -the Premier replied: "Sorry to say report is correct. I have no -children." - - * * * * * - -The teacher of one of the rooms in a school in the suburbs of -Cleveland had been training her pupils in anticipation of a visit from -the school commissioner. At last he came, and the classes were called -out to show their attainments. - -The arithmetic class was the first called, and in order to make a good -impression the teacher put the first question to Johnny Smith, the -star pupil. - -"Johnny, if coal is selling at $6 per ton, and you pay the coal dealer -$24, how many tons of coal will he bring you?" - -"Three," was the prompt reply from Johnny. - -The teacher, much embarrassed, said, "Why, Johnny, that isn't right." - -"Oh, I know it ain't, but they do it anyhow." - - * * * * * - -A publisher who occupied a loft in New York directed one of his clerks -to hang out a "Boy wanted" sign at the entrance. The card had been -swaying in the breeze only a few minutes when a red-headed little tad -climbed to the publisher's office with the sign under his arm. - -"Say, mister," he demanded of the publisher, "did youse hang out this -here 'Boy Wanted' sign?" - -"I did," replied the publisher sternly. "Why did you tear it down?" - -"Hully gee!" he blurted. "Why, I'm the boy!" And he was. - - * * * * * - -A distinguished surgeon, Dr. Abernethy by name, famed for his laconic -speech as well as for his professional skill, met one day his equal in -a woman of few words, who came to him with a hand badly swollen and -inflamed. - -"Burn?" asked the doctor. - -"Bruise." - -"Poultice." - -The next day the patient returned and the dialogue was resumed. - -"Better?" - -"Worse." - -"More poultice." - -Two days later the woman called again, and this was the conversation: - -"Better?" - -"Well. Fee?" - -"Nothing!" exclaimed the doctor. "Most sensible woman I ever met!" - - * * * * * - -Visitor--"Well, Harold, what are you going to be when you grow up?" - -Harold--"Oh, I'm going to be a sailor; but baby's only going to be -just an ordinary father." - - * * * * * - -No amount of persuasion or punishment could keep Johnnie from running -away. The excitement of being pursued and of being brought back to a -tearful family appealed to his sense of the dramatic and offset the -slight discomfort that sometimes followed. - -Finally his mother determined upon a new method. She decided, after -many misgivings, that the next time Johnnie ran away no notice -whatever should be taken of it. He should stay away as long as he -pleased and return when he saw fit. - -In a few days the youngster again disappeared. His mother was firm in -her resolve and no search was made. Great was poor Johnnie's -disappointment. He managed to stay away all day, but when it began to -grow dark his courage failed and he started for home. He sneaked -ignominiously into the kitchen. Nobody spoke to him. Apparently his -absence had not been noticed. This was too much. As soon as -opportunity offered he remarked casually, "Well, I see you've got the -same old cat." - - * * * * * - -A gentleman who happened to come in rather late at a dinner found that -the guests had finished soup and were on with the next course. When he -had sat down a waiter came up and said, "Soup, sir?" "No, thanks," he -replied, whereupon the waiter went away. Another waiter, seeing he had -nothing, said to him, "Soup, sir?" He replied rather testily, "No, -thank you." A third waiter, who saw him come in and took compassion on -him, placed the soup in front of him. "Look here, my man, is this -compulsory?" "No, sir; it's mulligatawny," replied the waiter. - - * * * * * - -A big, burly, fierce-looking man and a meek, inoffensive-looking -little chap were sawing timber with a cross-cut saw. A strapping -Irishman, passing that way, stopped to watch them. Back and forth, -back and forth, they pulled at the saw. Finally the Irishman could -stand it no longer. With a whoop and a yell he rushed at the big man -and brought him to the ground, burying his knees deep into the -sawyer's chest. - -Biff! Bang! Thump! Biff! - -"There," he said, letting him have one parting blow square on the -nose, "now m'bbe ye'll let the little felly hev it!" - - * * * * * - -Oliver Herford once entered a doubtful-looking restaurant in a small -New York town and ordered a lamb-chop. After a long delay the waiter -returned, bearing a plate on which reposed a dab of mashed potatoes -and a much overdone chop of microscopical proportions with a -remarkably long and slender rib attached. This the waiter set down -before him and then hurried away. - -"See here," called Herford, "I ordered a chop." - -"Yessir," replied the man, "there it is." - -"Ah, so it is," replied Herford, peering at it closely. "I thought it -was a crack in the plate." - - * * * * * - -In one of the elevators of a city skyscraper, as the elevator shot -toward the zenith, a stout man began to sputter. "Bub-but, -rt-st-st-b'r'r'r," he said, as the veins stood out upon his neck. At -the twenty-third story the stout man's eyes were nearly starting from -his head, and as he grasped the arm of the elevator man the latter -nervously pulled the lever, and the lift started for the bottom at a -terrific rate. The solitary passenger danced about, gurgling -spasmodically. As the car struck bottom, however, he rushed through -the door and up to an important individual, whose cap bore the screed -"Starter." "S-s-s-say," he sputtered, "t-t-this is the th-th-third -trip I-I-I've t-t-taken in the elevator, 'n' I-I-I-I w-w-wanter -g-g-g-get off at the sev-sev-seventh fl-fl-fl-floor. Before I-I-I -c-c-c-can say sev-sev-seven I-I-I-I'm up to the t-t-top, 'n' -be-be-before I-I-I can cat-cat-catch my br-br-breath I-I-I'm down -h-h-here again, 'n' I-I-I-I'm in a de-de-vil of a hurry." - - * * * * * - -Nervous player (deprecatingly playing card)--"I really don't know what -to play. I'm afraid I've made a fool of myself." - -Partner (reassuringly)--"That all right. I don't see what else you -could have done!" - - * * * * * - -Some of Darwin's boy friends once plotted a surprise for the -naturalist. They slew a centipede, glued on it a beetle's head, and -also added to its body the wings of a butterfly and the long legs of a -grasshopper. Then they put the new insect in a box and knocked at the -great man's door. "We found this in the fields," they cried with eager -voices. "Do tell us what it can be." Darwin looked at the strange -compound and then at the boys' innocent faces. "Did it hum when you -caught it?" he asked. "Oh yes, sir," they answered quickly, nudging -one another, "it hummed like anything." "Then," said the philosopher, -"it is a humbug." - - * * * * * - -A man had been sent by the house-agents to take an inventory of the -drawing-room furniture. He was so long about his task that at last the -mistress of the house went to see what was taking place. She found the -man slumbering sweetly on the sofa with an empty bottle beside him; -it was evident, however, that he had made a pathetic though solitary -attempt to do his work, for in the inventory book was written, "One -revolving carpet." - - * * * * * - -The customs of military service require officers to visit the kitchens -during cooking hours to see that the soldiers' food is properly -prepared. One old colonel, who let it be pretty generally known that -his orders must be obeyed without question or explanation, once -stopped two soldiers who were carrying a soup-kettle out of a kitchen. - -"Here, you," he growled, "give me a taste of that." - -One of the soldiers ran and fetched a ladle and gave the colonel the -desired taste. The colonel spat and spluttered. - -"Good heavens, man! You don't call that stuff soup, do you?" - -"No, sir," replied the soldier meekly, "it's dishwater we was -emptyin', sir." - - * * * * * - -The ship upon clearing the harbor ran into a half-pitching, -half-rolling sea, that became particularly noticeable about the time -the twenty-five passengers at the captain's table sat down to dinner. - -"I hope that all twenty-five of you will have a pleasant trip," the -captain told them as the soup appeared, "and that this little -assemblage of twenty-four will reach port much benefited by the -voyage. I look upon these twenty-two smiling faces much as a father -does upon his family, for I am responsible for the safety of this -group of seventeen. I hope that all thirteen of you will join me later -in drinking to a merry trip. I believe that we seven fellow passengers -are most congenial and I applaud the judgment which chose from the -passenger list these three persons for my table. You and I, my dear, -sir, are--Here, steward! Bring on the fish and clear away these -dishes." - - * * * * * - -"Extra Billy" Smith, the Confederate General, was one of the most -irascible as well as one of the most patriotic of men. Upon one -occasion he was leading a regiment on a long and difficult march. -Weary and exhausted they halted for a rest by the wayside. When it -became necessary to move on, the General gave the order, but the tired -men remained stretched upon the ground. The order was repeated -peremptorily. Still no motion. By this time the temper of the General -was at white heat. He thundered out: - -"If you don't get up and start at once I'll march the regiment off and -leave every d----d one of you behind." - -They started. - - * * * * * - -A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while -cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the -following: - -"You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"Do you drink yourself?" - -"That's _my_ business!"--angrily. - -Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked: - -"Have you any other business?" - - * * * * * - -One rainy afternoon Aunt Sue was explaining the meaning of various -words to her young nephew. "Now, an heirloom, my dear, means something -that has been handed down from father to son," she said. - -"Well," replied the boy thoughtfully, "that's a queer name for my -pants." - - * * * * * - -"The easiest money that I ever made," said a shipping man the other -day, "was handed to me in New York not long ago. I was visiting there -and had a little time to myself, so I bought a paper and went down to -the river front. I saw an advertisement in the paper saying that a tug -was to be auctioned off that day, so I went to the place and stood -around examining the tug. After a while a man who had been watching me -came over and began asking questions. I told him I was interested in -boats and was from Philadelphia. Then he asked: 'What are you doing -down here?' 'I came down to this auction sale,' I said. 'Well,' said -the man, 'if you want to keep on the right side of the boys you'll do -something for me. Here's $100; do not bid on the tug.' I took the -money and departed. I had not the slightest intention of bidding." - - * * * * * - -A bride and groom had been much troubled by the stares of people at -hotels wherever they went. So when they arrived at the next hotel the -groom called the colored head-waiter. - -"Now, George," he said, "we have been bothered to death by people -staring at us because we are just married. We want to be free from -that sort of thing here. Now, here's two dollars, and remember I trust -you not to tell people that we are just married, if they ask you. -Understand?" - -"Yas, sah!" said George; "I un'stand." - -All went well that day. But the following morning when the couple came -down to breakfast the staring was worse than ever. Chambermaids in the -hall snickered; the clerks behind the desk nudged each other; -everybody in the dining-room stared. When the couple returned to their -room it was only to see a head sticking out of nearly every room down -the long hall. - -This was too much. - -This _was_ the limit! - -Angered beyond control, the groom went to the desk and called for the -head-waiter. - -"Look here, you old fool," said the groom, "didn't I give you two -dollars to protect my wife and myself from the staring business?" - -"Yas, sah, you did," said George. "'Pon me soul, I didn't tell, sah." - -"Then how about this staring?" asked the irate groom. "It's worse here -than anywhere. Did anybody ask if we were married?" - -"Yas, sah; several folks did," replied George. - -"Well, what did you tell them?" - -"I tole 'em, sah," replied the honest negro, "you wuzn't married at -all." - - * * * * * - -A witty priest was once visiting a "self-made" millionaire, who took -him to see his seldom-used library. - -"There," said the millionaire, pointing to a table covered with books, -"there are my best friends." - -"Ah," replied the wit, as he glanced at the leaves, "I'm glad you -don't cut them!" - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Maloney was before the Judge, charged with assault on Policeman -Casey. She had been unusually attentive throughout the proceedings, -and now the Judge was summing up the evidence. - -"The evidence shows, Mrs. Maloney," he began, "that you threw a stone -at Policeman Casey." - -"It shows more than that, yer Honor," interrupted Mrs. Maloney; "it -shows that Oi hit him." - - * * * * * - -When Mark Twain was a young and struggling newspaper writer, in San -Francisco, a lady of his acquaintance saw him one day with a cigar-box -under his arm looking in a shop window. - -"Mr. Clemens," she said, "I always see you with a cigar-box under your -arm. I am afraid you are smoking too much." - -"It isn't that," said Mark. "I'm moving again." - - * * * * * - -A thunderstorm overtook the Emperor Francis Joseph of Austria when out -shooting in 1873 with old Emperor William of Germany and Victor -Emmanuel. The three monarchs got separated from their party and lost -their way. They were drenched to the skin, and, in search of shelter, -hailed a peasant driving a covered cart drawn by oxen along the high -road. The peasant took up the royal trio and drove on. - -"And who may you be, for you are a stranger in these parts?" he asked, -after a while, of Emperor William. - -"I am the Emperor of Germany," replied his Teutonic majesty. - -"Ha, very good," said the peasant, and then, addressing Victor -Emmanuel, "and you, my friend?" - -"Why, I am the King of Italy," came the prompt reply. - -"Ha, ha, very good, indeed! And who are you?" addressing Francis -Joseph. - -"I am the Emperor of Austria," said the latter. - -The peasant then scratched his head and said with a knowing wink: -"Very good, and who do you suppose I am?" - -Their majesties replied they would like very much to know. - -"Why, I am his Holiness the Pope." - - * * * * * - -In a cemetery at Middlebury, Vt., is a stone, erected by a widow to -her loving husband, bearing this inscription: - -"Rest in peace--until we meet again." - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Gilroy, prominent in the church work of her small city, had -acquired a new servant, willing but ignorant. - -"Bridget," she said, "I am going to lie down and do not wish to be -disturbed. If any one calls, do not say I am not at home, but give an -evasive answer." - -"What's that, mum?" said Bridget. - -Having explained as well as she could, the good lady retired and later -appeared below stairs, much refreshed. - -"Did any one call?" she asked. - -"Yes, mum; the new minister, from your church." - -"Oh, Bridget. What did you tell him?" - -"Well," sez he, "is Mrs. Gilroy at home?" and I sez nuthin', and sez -he a little louder, "Is Mrs. Gilroy at home?" and sez I, "Was your -grandmother a monkey?" - - * * * * * - -A young kindergarten teacher, of Manhattan, who is made much of by her -pupils--frequently meeting their parents--has a very affable manner, -and, on entering a Broadway car recently, exclaimed in her most -cordial way to one of the passengers: "Why, how do you do, Mr. Brown!" -As the man addressed evidently did not know her and looked rather -dazed, she saw her mistake and hurriedly apologized, saying: "Oh, I -beg your pardon-I thought you were the father of one of my children." - -Then every one within hearing looked so amused that the young lady -left the car at the next stop. - - * * * * * - -A Mr. Johnson, of Boston, was the owner of a small yacht, in which he -took much pleasure during the summer, cruising along the coast. - -He had for a cook a young fellow from Denmark whose English was not -always perfect, but who made himself so generally useful that Mr. -Johnson kept him for several years at good wages. One summer they -landed at a place where a camp-meeting was in full blast. Our friend, -the Dane, was greatly interested and took a front seat. - -Near the close of the meeting one of the brethren went about among the -people exhorting them to "go forward." Coming to the Dane, he said, -"My friend, don't you want to work for Jesus?" - -"No," said the Dane, "I've got a good yob with Yohnson." - - * * * * * - -Johnny--"Pa, did Moses have the dyspepsia like you?" - -Father--"How on earth do I know? What makes you ask such a question?" - -"Why, our Sunday-school teacher says the Lord gave Moses two tablets." - - * * * * * - -Elderly Aunt--"I suppose you wondered, dear little Hans, why I left -you so abruptly in the lane. I saw a man, and oh, how I ran!" - -Hans--"Did you get him?" - - * * * * * - -A man returned home late one night after having partaken rather freely -of the "cup that cheers." All might have been well had not one tree -intercepted between him and his destination--one solitary tree at the -foot of his own steps; but Mr. B---- suddenly came into such forcible -contact with that tree that he was almost stunned. After recovering -his senses, he wandered about, but repeatedly bumped into the same -inoffensive barrier. At length he sank down on the ground and muttered -helplessly: - -"Lost! Lost! in an impenetrable forest!" - - * * * * * - -The intoxicated individual who, after bumping into the same tree -thirteen times, bemoaned the fact that he was lost in an impenetrable -forest, is no greater disgrace to modern civilization than the hero of -this story: - -A citizen of Seattle who had looked upon the wine when he was no -longer sure what color it was, in the course of his journey home -encountered a tree protected by an iron tree-guard. Grasping the bars, -he cautiously felt his way around it twice. - -"Curse it!" he moaned, sinking to the ground in despair. "Locked in!" - - * * * * * - -Stanley, aged four, was one of a large family. Besides numerous -sisters and brothers, there were aunts and uncles galore and many -cousins. The only very young people, however, were those in his -immediate household. - -One Thanksgiving dinner Stanley gazed solemnly around the table for a -while, and then announced, oracularly: - -"My mother and the cat seem to be the only people in this whole family -that have any children!" - - * * * * * - -A clergyman was being shaved by a barber, who had evidently become -unnerved by the previous night's dissipation. Finally he cut the -clergyman's chin. The latter looked up at the artist reproachfully, -and said: - -"You see, my man, what comes of hard drinking." - -"Yes, sir," replied the barber consolingly, "it makes the skin -tender." - - * * * * * - -Mistress--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?" - -Maid--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, ut do bite the tongue!" - - * * * * * - -They had just met; conversation was somewhat fitful. Finally he -decided to guide it into literary channels, where he was more at home, -and, turning to his companion, asked: - -"Are you fond of literature?" - -"Passionately," she replied. "I love books dearly." - -"Then you must admire Sir Walter Scott," he exclaimed with sudden -animation. "Is not his 'Lady of the Lake' exquisite in its flowing -grace and poetic imagery? Is it not--" - -"It is perfectly lovely," she assented, clasping her hands in ecstasy. -"I suppose I have read it a dozen times." - -"And Scott's 'Marmion,'" he continued, "with its rugged simplicity and -marvelous description--one can almost smell the heather on the heath -while perusing its splendid pages." - -"It is perfectly grand," she murmured. - -"And Scott's 'Peveril of the Peak' and his noble 'Bride of -Lammermoor'--where in the English language will you find anything more -heroic than his grand auld Scottish characters and his graphic, -forceful pictures of feudal times and customs? You like them, I am -sure." - -"I just dote upon them," she replied. - -"And Scott's Emulsion," he continued hastily, for a faint suspicion -was beginning to dawn upon him. - -"I think," she interrupted rashly, "that it's the best thing he ever -wrote." - - * * * * * - -"Why is Jones growing a beard?" - -"Oh, I believe his wife made him a present of some ties." - - * * * * * - -Wife--"Do come over to Mrs. Barker's with me, John. She'll make you -feel just as if you were at home." - -Her Husband--"Then what's the use of going?" - - * * * * * - -About forty years ago, walking down Market street, in this city, I -heard a darky commenting on a sign he had just spelt out, stretched -across the sidewalk in front of a livery stable: - -"Jist like 'em. Aftah dars no moh slabry dey stick up signs foh me: -'Man-ure Free'!" - - * * * * * - -In the audience at a lecture on China there was a very pious old lady -who was slightly deaf. She thought the lecturer was preaching, and -every time he came to a period she would say "Amen!" or some other -pious exclamation. The people in the audience, which was composed -mostly of the village church members, knew she was being reverent and -did not even smile when she exclaimed, until finally the lecturer -mentioned some far-off city in China, saying, "I live there." At this -point clearly and distinctly could be heard the old lady, saying, -"Thank God for that." - - * * * * * - -A pushing young actor who was playing understudy in one of Mr. -Barrie's plays found his opportunity one night through the illness of -his principal. He accordingly flooded his managerial and influential -acquaintances with telegrams announcing: "I play So-and-So's part -to-night." Except that the theater was comparatively empty this -breathless disclosure produced no result, except a telegram in reply -from Mr. Barrie, to this effect: "Thanks for the warning." - - * * * * * - -It was a busy day in the butcher-shop. The butcher yelled to the boy -who helped him out in the shop: "Hurry up, John, and don't forget to -cut off Mrs. Murphy's leg, and break Mrs. Jones's bones, and don't -forget to slice Mrs. Johnson's tongue." - - * * * * * - -Ralph Waldo Emerson, like other men of genius, was absent-minded, and, -when a fit of inspiration seized him, he was oblivious to the things -of earth to a ludicrous extent. A story that is vouched for as true -illustrates this. - -The old-fashioned matches, in use in New England in Emerson's time, -were made in cards, or flat slabs, the matches being joined at the -foot, and separating at the top, like the teeth of a deep comb. -Emerson was accustomed, in the midnight watches, to lie awake -communing with his own thoughts, and, if any especial inspiration -developed itself, he would get up and write it down, lighting the lamp -for that purpose. - -One night, Mrs. Emerson was awakened by her gifted husband's voice, as -he called to her plaintively: - -"What is the matter with the matches, my dear? I have struck seven, -and not one will light. Where can I get some good ones?" - -Mrs. Emerson got out of bed at once, and found the matches in their -accustomed place. Her husband had not touched them. - -"Why, what can you have been striking, in mistake for matches?" she -asked, anxiously, and beheld her best carved tortoise-shell comb, -which the absorbed philosopher, had broken up, tooth by tooth, in -mistake for the card of matches. - - * * * * * - -Instructor in Public Speaking--"What is the matter with you, Mr. -Jones; can't you speak any louder? Be more enthusiastic. Open your -mouth and throw yourself into it." - - * * * * * - -"I confess that the subject of psychical research makes no great -appeal to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar -dyes, told some friends in New York. "Personally, in the course of a -fairly long career, I have heard at first hand but one ghost story. -Its hero was a man whom I may as well call Snooks. - -"Snooks, visiting at a country house, was put in the haunted chamber -for the night. He said that he did not feel the slightest uneasiness, -but nevertheless, just as a matter of precaution, he took to bed with -him a revolver of the latest American pattern. - -"He slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two, when he awoke -with an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He raised his head and -peered about him. The room was wanly illumined by the full moon, and -in that weird, bluish light he thought he discerned a small, white -hand clasping the rail at the foot of the bed. - -"'Who's there?' he asked tremulously. - -"There was no reply. The small, white hand did not move. - -"'Who's there?' he repeated. 'Answer me or I'll shoot.' - -"Again there was no reply. - -"Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and fired. - -"From that night on he's limped. Shot off two of his own toes." - - * * * * * - -When the Rev. Dr. Henson, then of Chicago, came to the New York -Chautauqua to lecture on "Fools," Bishop Vincent introduced him thus: - -"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now to have a lecture on 'Fools' by one -of the most distinguished----" - -Here there was a long pause, the Bishop's inflection indicating that -he had finished. The audience roared with delight, and roared again, -so that it was some time before the sentence was concluded--"men of -Chicago." - -Dr. Henson, who is a man of ready wit, stepped to the front of the -platform, and said: - -"Ladies and gentlemen, I am not so great a fool as Bishop Vincent----" -and then he paused as if he had finished, and the audience went fairly -wild over the situation. When quiet was restored, Dr. Henson -concluded--"would have you think." - - * * * * * - -Doctor (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)--"What do you drink?" - -Sandy (with brightening face)--"Oh, I'm nae particular, doctor! -Anything you've got with ye." - - * * * * * - -Every employee of the Bank of England is required to sign his name in -a book on his arrival in the morning, and, if late, must give the -reason therefor. The chief cause of tardiness is usually fog, and the -first man to arrive writes "fog" opposite his name, and those who -follow write "ditto." One day, however, the first late man gave as the -reason, "wife had twins," and twenty other late men mechanically -signed "ditto" underneath. - - * * * * * - -At a dinner in Washington there was told a Scotch story of a -parishioner who had strayed from his own kirk. - -"Why weren't you at the kirk on Sunday?" asked the preacher of the -culprit on meeting him a day or two later. - -"I was at Mr. McClellan's kirk," said the other. - -"I don't like you running about to strange kirks like that," continued -the minister. "Not that I object to your hearing Mr. McClellan, but -I'm sure you widna like your sheep straying into strange pastures." - -"I widna care a grain, sir, if it was better grass," responded the -parishioner. - - * * * * * - -Tommy, very sleepy, was saying his prayers. "Now I lay me down to -sleep," he began. "I pray the Lord my soul to keep." - -"'If,'" his mother prompted. - -"If he hollers let him go, eeny, meeny, miny, mo!" - - * * * * * - -Perish the thought that the novelist or playwright should be tied down -to historical accuracy! Lady Dorothy Neville quotes an amusing -correspondence between Bulwer Lytton and her brother, Horace Walpole. - -"My dear Walpole: Here I am at Bath--bored to death. I am thinking of -writing a play about your great ancestor Sir Robert. Had he not a -sister Lucy, and did she not marry a Jacobite?" - -Walpole promptly replied: - -"My dear Lytton: I care little for my family, and less still for Sir -Robert, but I know that he never had a sister Lucy, so she could not -have married a Jacobite." - -However, this mattered little to Lord Lytton, for his answer ran: - -"My dear Walpole: You are too late! Sir Robert _had_ a sister Lucy, -and she _did_ marry a Jacobite." - -So in defiance of history, the play "Walpole" was written. - - * * * * * - -"Here's a curious item, Joshua!" exclaimed Mrs. Lemington, spreading -out the Billeville "Mirror" in her ample lap. "The _Nellie E. -Williams_ of Gloucester reports that she saw two whales, a cow and a -calf, floating off Cape Cod the day before yesterday." - -"Well, ma," replied old Mr. Lemington, "what's the matter with that?" - -"Why, it's all right about the two whales, Joshua, but what bothers me -is how the cow and the calf got way out there." - - * * * * * - -A Congressman once declared in an address to the House: - -"As Daniel Webster says in his great dictionary--" - -"It was Noah who wrote the dictionary," whispered a colleague, who sat -at the next desk. - -"Noah, nothing," replied the speaker. "Noah built the ark." - - * * * * * - -Father (who has been called upon in the city and asked for his -daughter's hand)--"Louise, do you know what a solemn thing it is to be -married?" - -Louise--"Oh, yes, pa; but it is a good deal more solemn being -single." - - * * * * * - -Captain Roald Amundsen, Norway's famous explorer, told this story -about a National Guard encampment: - -"A new volunteer, who had not quite learned his business, was on -sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought him a pie from the -canteen. - -"As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undress -uniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and the -major stopped and said: - -"'What's that you have there?' - -"'Pie,' said the sentry, good-naturedly. 'Apple pie. Have a bite?' - -"The major frowned. - -"'Do you know who I am?' he asked. - -"'No,' said the sentry, 'unless you're the major's groom.' - -"The major shook his head. - -"'Guess again,' he growled. - -"'The barber from the village?' - -"'No.' - -"'Maybe--' here the sentry laughed--'maybe you're the major himself?' - -"'That's right. I am the major,' was the stern reply. - -"The sentry scrambled to his feet. - -"'Good gracious!' he exclaimed. 'Hold the pie, will you, while I -present arms!'" - - * * * * * - -A player for many years associated with the late Richard Mansfield -relates that one day in Philadelphia, as he was standing by a huge -poster in front of the theater a poster that represented Mansfield in -the character of "Henry V.," a man who was strolling by stopped to -gaze at the bill. Finally, with a snort of disgust, he muttered as he -turned to go: - -"_'Henry V.--_' what?" - - * * * * * - -"There is an old negro down in my town," said John Sharp Williams, the -former Democratic leader of the House, "who did me a service. I wanted -to reward him, so I said: - -"'Uncle, which shall I give you--a ton of coal or a bottle of whisky?' - -"'Foh de Lo'd, Massa John,' he replied, 'you-all shorely knows I buhn -wood.'" - - * * * * * - -"No," remarked a determined lady to an indignant cabman who had -received his legal fare, "you can not cheat me, my man. I haven't -ridden in cabs for the last twenty-five years for nothing." - -"Haven't you, mum?" replied the cabman, bitterly, gathering up the -reins. "Well, you've done your best!" - - * * * * * - -On the mighty deep. - -The great ocean liner rolled and pitched. - -"Henry," faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?" - -"More than ever, darling!" was Henry's fervent answer. - -Then there was eloquent silence. - -"Henry," she gasped, turning her pale, ghastly face away. "I thought -that would make me feel better, but it doesn't!" - - * * * * * - -Once in Nice an Englishman and a Frenchman were about to separate on -the Promenade des Anglais. - -The Englishman, as he started toward the Cercle Mediterranee, called -back: - -"Au reservoir!" - -And the Frenchman waved his hand and answered: - -"Tanks." - - * * * * * - -During a Baptist convention held in Charleston the Rev. Dr. Greene of -Washington strolled down to the Battery one morning to take a look -across the harbor at Fort Sumter. An old negro was sitting on the -seawall fishing. Dr. Greene watched the lone fisherman, and finally -saw him pull up an odd-looking fish, a cross between a toad and a -catfish. - -"What kind of a fish is that, old man?" inquired Dr. Greene. - -"Dey calls it de Baptist fish," replied the fisherman, as he tossed it -away in deep disgust. - -"Why do they call it the Baptist fish?" asked the minister. - -"Because dey spoil so soon after dey comes outen de water," answered -the fisherman. - - * * * * * - -Blanche, Wilbur, and Thomas were in the garden playing, and making a -great deal of noise, but small Jack sat in a corner very quietly, -which for Jack was an unusual proceeding. After watching them for -some time, the mother's curiosity prompted her to ask: - -"What are you playing?" - -"We are playing house," answered Wilbur. "Blanche and I are the mother -and father, and Thomas is the child." - -"And what does Jack do?" - -"Sh, sh! he isn't born yet." - - * * * * * - -Governor Chamberlain of Connecticut used to tell of an old friend who, -because of his deafness, made some ludicrous and at times embarrassing -mistakes. Once he was at a dinner party where the lady seated next to -him tried to help him along in conversation. As the fruit was being -passed, she asked him: "Do you like bananas?" - -"No," said the old gentleman, with a look of mild surprise. "The fact -is," he added in a confidential tone which could be heard in the next -room, "I find the old-fashioned nightshirt is good enough for me." - - * * * * * - -An Atchison woman with a little baby tells the following story. She -says that a woman caller said: "What a dear little baby; how old is -it?" "Sixteen months," replied the Atchison woman. "Well, dear me, it -looks older," said the caller, and then went on and talked and talked -and finally turned again to the baby, and said: "That precious baby, -how old is it?" "Sixteen months," replied the mother. "Well, dear me," -smilingly said the caller. "Oh, such a big baby for its age," and went -on talking and talking. Again turning to the baby the caller said: -"What a darling angel the baby is; how old is it?" "Eighteen months," -said the exasperated mother. "Well, I declare, it looks two years -old," said the caller, and then talked and talked. Just as she was -leaving the caller stooped and kissed the baby and said: "Bless its -little heart; how old is it?" "Ten months," shrieked the outraged -mother, but the caller tripped gaily away; she had not noticed the -replies to her questions, and had no idea and did not care how old the -baby was. - - * * * * * - -A boy went into a confectioner's shop and asked for a glass of -lemonade. When it was given him he took it, looked at it, and said he -would have a bun instead. The bun was given him; he ate it and was -walking out of the shop when the confectioner called after him, "Hi, -you haven't paid for your bun." "No," said the boy, "I gave you back -the lemonade for that." "But," said the man, "you did not pay for the -lemonade." "I didn't drink it," said the boy, and walked out of the -shop leaving the confectioner calculating. - - * * * * * - -Two women overheard talking in a poor district of London: "Did ye ever -'ear tell of Lot's wife?" "Well, no, Mrs. Brown, I can't say I ever -did. Why?" "Well, I don't know very much about 'er myself, but I 'ave -'eard tell of 'er that she turned into a pillar of salt." "Lord, did -she? What funny things one does 'ear nowadays. It was only this -morning I was out with my 'usband and 'e turned into a public-house." - - * * * * * - -Willie Green was not only chewing gum, but had his feet sprawled out -in the aisle in a most unbecoming manner. - -"Willie," said the teacher, "take that gum out of your mouth this -instant, and put in your feet." - - * * * * * - -William was considered the brightest boy in his grade; upon hearing a -lesson recited in class once or twice he knew it quite well. Thus, -while the other fellows were compelled to study hard he scarcely found -it necessary to open a book. At the expiration of the term one of the -questions in the written geography was, "What is the equator?" - -William, always to be depended upon, wrote without delay: - -"The equator is a menagerie lion running around the center of the -earth." - - * * * * * - -He was an earnest minister, and one Sunday, in the course of a sermon -on the significance of little things, he said: - -"The hand which made the mighty heavens made a grain of sand; which -made the lofty mountains made a drop of water; which made you made the -grass of the field; which made me made a daisy!" - - * * * * * - -A young Scotchman, bashful but desperately in love, finding no notice -was taken of his visits to the house of his sweetheart, summoned up -sufficient courage to address the fair one thus: - -"Jean, I was here on Monday nicht." - -"Ay, ye were that," replied she. - -"An' I was here on Tuesday nicht." - -"So ye were." - -"An' I was here on Wednesday," continued the ardent youth. - -"Ay, an' ye were on Thursday nicht an' a'." - -"An' I was here last nicht." - -"Weel," she says, "what if ye were?" - -"An' I am here the nicht again." - -"An' what about it even if ye came every nicht?" - -"What about it, did ye say? Did ye no' begin to smell a rat?" - - * * * * * - -Rustic--"Well, Miss, I be fair mazed wi' the ways o' that 'ere -fisherman--that I be!" - -Parson's Daughter--"Why is that, Carver?" - -Rustic--"The owd fool has been sittin' there for the last six hours -and hasn't caught nothin'." - -Parson's Daughter--"How do you know that?" - -Rustic--"I've been a-watchin' o' he the whole time!" - - * * * * * - -A stately and venerable professor one morning, being unable to attend -to his class on account of a cold, wrote on the blackboard: - -"Dr. Dash, through indisposition, is unable to attend to his classes -to-day." - -The students erased one letter in this notice, making it read: - -"Dr. Dash, through indisposition, is unable to attend to his lasses -to-day." - -But it happened a few minutes later that the professor returned for a -box he had forgotten. Amid a roar of laughter he detected the change -in his notice, and, approaching the blackboard, calmly erased one -letter in his turn. - -Now the notice read: - -"Dr. Dash, through indisposition, is unable to attend to his asses -to-day." - - * * * * * - -The man in the smoker was boasting of his unerring ability to tell -from a man's looks exactly what city he came from. "You, for example," -he said to the man next to him, "you are from New Orleans?" He was -right. - -"You, my friend," turning to the man on the other side of him, "I -should say you are from Chicago?" Again he was right. - -The other two men got interested. - -"And you are from Boston?" he asked the third man. - -"That's right, too," said the New Englander. - -"And you from Philadelphia, I should say?" to the last man. - -"No, sir," answered the man with considerable warmth; "I've been sick -for three months: that's what makes me look that way!" - - * * * * * - -Five-year-old Nellie had been naughty all day. Finally her mama, a -very portly woman, sat down and drew the little culprit across her -ample lap to administer the long-delayed punishment. Nellie's face was -fairly buried in the folds of her mother's dress. Before the maternal -hand could descend Nellie turned her face to say, "Well, if I'm going -to be spanked _I must have air_." - - * * * * * - -"John," said the woman with nine chapeaux, "I got another new hat -to-day." "My dear!" expostulated her husband, "that is the last -straw." "I know it," she said; "just from Paris." - - * * * * * - -A prominent Bostonian inquired of a London shopkeeper for Hare's -"Walks in London." - -The shopkeeper, after much search, found it on his shelves, but in two -volumes. - -"Ah," said the Bostonian, "you have your Hare parted in the middle -over here." - -"What!" exclaimed the Englishman, blankly, passing his hands over his -head. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Blaine used to tell this story: Once, in Dublin, toward the end of -the opera, Mephistopheles was conducting Faust through a trap-door -which represented the gates of hell. His majesty got through all -right--he was used to going below--but Faust was quite stout, got -half-way in, and no squeezing would get him any farther. Suddenly an -Irishman in the gallery exclaimed devoutly: "Thank God! hell's full." - - * * * * * - -An Ohio man who was recently elected to Congress, went to Washington -to look around and see what his duties were. He was hospitably -received, and was wined and dined a great many times by his -colleagues. Before he went home he said to his friends: "By George, I -have had a good time! I have had dinners and breakfasts and suppers -galore given to me. In fact, I haven't had my knife out of my mouth -since I struck town." - - * * * * * - -When Commissioner Allen had charge of the Patent Office in Washington -he was very punctilious about the respect due him and his position, -and demanded full tribute from everybody. - -One day, as he was sitting at his desk, two men came in without -knocking or announcement and without removing their hats. - -Allen looked up and impaled the intruders with his glittering eye. -"Gentlemen," he said severely, "who are visitors to this office to see -me are always announced, and always remove their hats." - -"Huh," replied one of the men, "we ain't visitors, and we don't give a -hoot about seeing you. We came in to fix the steam pipes." - - * * * * * - -One time there was a fire in a small town. It was being discussed in -the hearing of several of the citizens. One man said he believed it -was incendiary. Another replied: "Incendiary, nonsense! It was set on -fire!" - - * * * * * - -Addressing a political gathering the other day a speaker gave his -hearers a touch of the pathetic. "I miss," he said, brushing away a -not unmanly tear, "I miss many of the old faces I used to shake hands -with." - - * * * * * - -The Rev. Moses Jackson was holding services in a small country church, -and at the conclusion lent his hat to a member (as was the custom) to -pass around for contributions. The brother canvassed the congregation -thoroughly, but the hat was returned empty to its owner. - -Bre'r Jackson looked into it, turned it upside down, and shook it -vigorously, but not a copper was forthcoming. He sniffed audibly. -"Brederen," he said, "I sho' is glad dat I got my hat back ergin." - - * * * * * - - Pattern for all beneath the sun, - To Taft award the palm and bun! - They told him what they wanted done-- - He done it. - - * * * * * - -Secretary Knox tells a good story of the last fight the late Senator -Quay, of Pennsylvania, made in the Senate. Quay was working hard on -the Oklahoma Statehood Bill, obstructing legislation, when a scheme -was fixed up to get him away from the Senate for a time. Quay was very -fond of tarpon fishing and had a winter place in Florida. One -afternoon he received this telegram from a friend who thought the -Senator might be in better business than pottering around about new -States: - -"Fishing never so good. Tarpon biting everywhere, sport magnificent; -come." - -Quay read the telegram and smiled a little smile. Then he answered: - -"Tarpon may be biting, but I am not.--M. S. Quay." - - * * * * * - -"Now, children," said the teacher, "I want each of you to think of -some animal or bird and try for the moment to be like the particular -one you are thinking about, and make the same kind of noises they are -in the habit of making." - -Instantly the schoolroom became a menagerie. Lions roaring, dogs -barking, birds singing and twittering, cows lowing, calves bleating, -cats meowing, etc., all in an uproar and excitement--all with one -exception, off in a remote corner a little fellow was sitting -perfectly still, apparently indifferent and unmindful of the rest. The -teacher observing him, approached and said: "Waldo, why are you not -taking part with the other children?" - -Waving her off with a deprecating hand and rebuking eyes he whispered: -"Sh-sh-sh, teacher! I'm a rooster, and I'm a-layin' a aig!" - - * * * * * - -Bishop Brewster, of Connecticut, while visiting some friends not long -ago, tucked his napkin in his collar to avoid the juice of the -grapefruit at breakfast. He laughed as he did it, and said it reminded -him of a man he once knew who rushed into a restaurant and, seating -himself at a table, proceeded to tuck his napkin under his chin. He -then called a waiter and said, "Can I get lunch here?" "Yes," -responded the waiter in a dignified manner, "but not a shampoo." - - * * * * * - -A man and his wife were once staying at a hotel, when in the night -they were aroused from their slumbers by the cry that the hotel was -afire. - -"Now, my dear," said the husband, "I will put into practise what I -have preached. Put on all your indispensable apparel and keep cool." - -Then he slipped his watch into his vest pocket and walked with his -wife out of the hotel. When all danger was past, he said, "Now you see -how necessary it is to keep cool." - -The wife for the first time glanced at her husband. - -"Yes, William," she said, "it is a grand thing, but if I were you I -would have put on my trousers." - - * * * * * - -One evening as the mother of the little niece of Phillips Brooks was -tucking her snugly in bed the maid stepped in and said there was a -caller waiting in the parlor. The mother told the child to say her -prayers and promised that she would be back in a few minutes. - -The caller remained only a short time, and when the mother went -upstairs again she asked the little girl if she had done as she was -bidden. - -"Yes, mama, I did and I didn't," she said. - -"What do you mean by that, dear?" - -"Well, mama, I was awfully sleepy, so I just asked God if he wouldn't -excuse me to-night and He said, 'Oh, don't mention it, Miss Brooks.'" - - * * * * * - -"Would you mind walking the other w'y and not passing the 'orse?" said -a London cabman with exaggerated politeness to the fat lady who had -just paid a minimum fare. - -"Why?" she inquired. - -"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carryin' for a shilling 'e'll 'ave a -fit." - - * * * * * - -One afternoon during a recent sea voyage of Ex-Ambassador Choate the -waves were unpleasantly high, and the ship was rolling a bit, to the -discomfiture of some passengers. - -Mr. Choate remarked: "'Tis better to have lunched and lost than never -to have lunched at all." - - * * * * * - -A certain minister was deeply impressed by an address on the evils of -smoking given at a recent synod. He rose from his seat, went over to a -fellow minister, and said: - -"Brother, this morning I received a present of 100 good cigars. I have -smoked one of them, but now I'm going home to burn the remainder in -the fire." - -The other minister arose, and said it was his intention to accompany -his reverend brother. - -"I mean to rescue the ninety and nine," he added. - - * * * * * - -Expecting a visit from the superintendent of an adjacent Sunday-school -one Sunday afternoon, one enterprising teacher, anticipating the line -of questions which would be asked of the scholars selected a boy from -her class to answer each question. As she had figured it out, the -visitor would first ask the pupils the question, "Who made you?" and -the first pupil was, of course, to answer "God." The next question was -to be "Of what?" to which the answer was to be "Of the dust of the -earth." Unfortunately between the time that Sunday-school was called -to order and the visiting superintendent took the floor, the first -pupil was taken sick and obliged to go home. The teacher did not have -the opportunity to readjust her forces, and when the first question -was asked, the second boy thought it a good opportunity for him to get -in his answer and have it off his mind; so to the question, "Who made -you?" he answered, "Of the dust of the earth." - -"Oh, no," said the visitor. "God made you." - -"No, sir; He did not," said the youngster. "The little boy that God -made has gone home sick, and I am the dust of the earth." - - * * * * * - -When General Grant was in London on his trip around the world he was -invited to Windsor Castle by Queen Victoria. The queen received the -party in one of the private audience chambers and chatted with General -Grant for a few moments before dinner was served. - -Jesse Grant, then a small boy, was with the general, and stood just -behind him. As the general was talking, Jesse pulled impatiently at -his coat-tails a number of times. Finally, the general turned -half-way, and Jesse whispered: - -"Pa, can't I be introduced?" - -"Your Majesty," said the general, "I should like to present my son, -Master Jesse." - -The queen shook Jesse's hand cordially, and that young man, thinking -it incumbent on him to say something, glanced approvingly around the -room and said: "Fine house you have here, ma'am." - - * * * * * - -Daniel J. Sully, the former Cotton King, made a trip through the South -one winter, and when he came back he told a story of an old negro who -had been working for a cotton planter time out of mind. One morning he -came to his employer and said: - -"I'se gwineter quit, boss." - -"What's the matter, Mose?" - -"Well, sah, yer manager, Mistah Winter, ain't kicked me in de las' -free mumfs." - -"I ordered him not to kick you any more. I don't want anything like -that around my place. I don't want any one to hurt your feelings, -Mose." - -"Ef I don't git any more kicks I'se goin' to quit. Ebery time Mistah -Winter used ter kick and cuff me when he wuz mad he always git 'shamed -of hisself and gimme a quarter. I'se done los' enuff money a'ready wid -dis heah foolishness 'bout hurtin' ma feelin's." - - * * * * * - -A Chicago mistress had given the butcher her daily order over the -telephone. Later in the day she decided to change it a little, and -countermanded an order she had given for some liver. - -Calling up the butcher, she said: - -"You remember that I gave you an order this morning for a pound of -liver?" - -"Yes," answered the butcher. - -"Well, I find that I can get along without it, and you need not send -it." - -Before she could put down the receiver she heard the butcher say to -some one in the store: - -"Cut out Mrs. Blank's liver. She says she can get along without it." - - * * * * * - -Tommy--"Ma, I met the minister on my way to Sunday-school and he asked -me if I ever went fishing on Sunday." - -Mother--"And what did you say, darling?" - -Tommy--"I said, 'Get thee behind me, Satan,' and ran right away from -him." - - * * * * * - -"My hair is falling out," admitted the timid man in the chemist's. -"Can you recommend something to keep it in?" - -"Certainly," replied the obliging assistant. "Here is a nice cardboard -box." - - * * * * * - -An eloquent evangelist who was holding a series of protracted meetings -had been interrupted on several occasions by the departure of some one -of the audience. He determined to prevent further annoyance by making -an example of the next one so doing. Therefore, when a young man arose -to depart in the middle of a discourse, he said: "Young man, would -you rather go to hell than listen to this sermon?" The individual -addressed stopped midway up the aisle and, turning slowly about, -answered: "Well, to tell the truth, I don't know but I would." - - * * * * * - -Mr. Seabury and his wife were on the point of moving to another flat. -Both of them were anxious that the transfer should be made at the -least possible expense, and the nearness of the new home promised -materially to further this aim. - -"I can carry loads of little things over in my brown bag," announced -Mrs. Seabury. "And you can take books and so on in your big satchel." - -In discussing further the matter of transportation, Mrs. Seabury -remarked that, notwithstanding the heat, she could wear her winter -coat over, and leave it, and return for her spring coat. The idea -charmed her impractical husband. - -"Why, I can do the same thing!" he said. "I'll wear over one suit and -then come back for another!" - - * * * * * - -The ghost of Noah Webster came to a spiritual medium in Alabama, not -long ago, and wrote on a slip of paper: "It is tite times." Noah was -right, but we are sorry to see he has gone back on his dictionary. - - * * * * * - -Sydney Smith wrote to Jeffrey: "Tell Murray that I was much struck -with the politeness of Miss Markham the day after he went. In carving -a partridge I splashed her with gravy from head to foot; and, though -I saw three distinct brown rills of juice trickling down her cheek, -she had the complaisance to swear that not a drop had reached her. -Such circumstances are the triumphs of civilized life." - - * * * * * - -During a certain battle the colonel of an Irish regiment noticed that -one of his men was extremely devoted to him, and followed him -everywhere. At length he remarked, "Well, my man, you have stuck by me -well to-day." - -"Yis, sorr," replied Pat. "Shure me mither said to me, said she, just -stick to the colonel, Patrick, me bhoy, and you'll be all roight. Them -colonels never gets hurted." - - * * * * * - -Miss Frances Keller, of the Woman's Municipal League of New York, -illustrated admirably at a recent dinner party a point which she -wished to make in reply to a man who had said, "Women are vainer than -men." - -"Of course," Miss Keller answered, "I admit that women are vain and -men are not. There are a thousand proofs that this is so. Why, the -necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of -his collar." - -There were six men present and each of them put his hand gently behind -his neck. - - * * * * * - -As father was leaving the house one morning he looked in vain for his -umbrella. - -"I expect sister's beau took it last night," ventured six-year-old -Willie. - -"Oh, you naughty boy," said Sister Mabel; "how can you say that?" - -"Why, it's so," Willie insisted. "When he was saying good night I -heard him say, 'I am going to steal just one!'" - - * * * * * - -During a conversation with a young lady Mark Twain had occasion to -mention the word drydock. - -"What is a drydock, Mr. Clemens?" she asked. - -"A thirsty physician," replied the humorist. - - * * * * * - -Some officer had disobeyed or failed to comprehend an order. "I -believe I'll sit down," said Secretary Stanton, "and give that man a -piece of my mind." - -"Do so," said Lincoln, "write him now while you have it on your mind. -Make it sharp. Cut him all up." Stanton did not need a second -invitation. It was a bone crusher that he read to the President. - -"That's right," said Lincoln; "that's a good one." - -"Whom can I send it by?" mused the Secretary. - -"Send it!" replied Lincoln. "Why, don't send it at all. Tear it up. -You have freed your mind on the subject, and that is all that is -necessary. Tear it up. You never want to send such letters, I never -do." - - * * * * * - -A certain old gentleman's lack of "polish" is a sad trial to his -eldest daughter. Not long ago the family were gathered in the library, -one of the windows of which was open. - -"That air--" the father began, but was quickly interrupted. - -"Father, dear, don't say 'that air'--say 'that there,'" the daughter -admonished. - -"Well, this ear--" he again attempted, but was as quickly brought to a -halt. - -"Nor 'this 'ere'; 'this here' is correct," he was told. - -The old gentleman rose with an angry snort. "Look here, Mary," he -said. "Of course I know you have been to school and all that, but I -reckon I know what I want to say, an' I am going to say it. I believe -I feel cold in this ear from that air, and I'm going to shut the -window!" - - * * * * * - -"If you please, sir?" - -"Well, Jimmy?" - -"Me grandmother, sir--" - -"Aha, your grandmother! Go on, Jimmy." - -"Me grandmother an' me mother--" - -"What, and your mother, too! Both very ill, eh?" - -"No, sir. Me grandmother an' me mother are goin' to the baseball game -this afternoon an' they want me to stay home an' take care of me -little brudder." - - * * * * * - -Office-boy--"Please, Mr. Jones, my grandmother is dead, and so I must -get off early to go to the funeral match--I mean the baseball -ceremonies--that is--" - - * * * * * - -"That makes a difference," said Willie, snipping off the left ear of -one of the twins. - - * * * * * - -Bill Nye, when a young man, made an engagement with a lady to take her -driving. The appointed day came, but at the livery stable all the -horses were taken save one old, shaky, exceedingly gaunt beast. Mr. -Nye hired it and drove to his friend's residence. The lady kept him -waiting over an hour before she was ready and then, viewing the shabby -outfit, flatly refused to accompany Mr. Nye. "Why," she exclaimed, -"that horse may die of old age any moment!" - -"Madam," Mr. Nye replied, "when I arrived that horse was a prancing -young colt." - - * * * * * - -In "Some Reminiscences" by William Rossetti is the following anecdote -of Tennyson: "The witness was Allingham, to whom the incident -happened. He was at breakfast at the house of the poet laureate, who, -in a rather feeble moment of facetiousness, asked: 'Will you have a -hegg?' 'Yes, thank you,' replied Allingham, who had scarcely -appropriated the proffered viand when Tennyson added, 'I suppose you -understand I was only joking when I said hegg?'" - - * * * * * - -"Long introductions when a man has a speech to make are a bore," said -former Senator John C. Spooner, one of the great Senate leaders. "I -have had all kinds, but the most satisfactory one in my career was -that of a German mayor of a small town in my State, Wisconsin. - -"I was to make a political address, and the opera-house was crowded. -When it came time to begin, the mayor got up. - -"'Mine friends,' he said, 'I hafe asked been to introduce Senator -Spooner, who is to make a speech, yes. Veil, I haf dit so, und he vill -now do so.'" - - * * * * * - -The "Outlook," of New York, tells a story of two church workers from a -small town who came to New York on a slum hunt, and were more than -satisfied. One of them was asked by a friend, on her return, where she -and her husband had been. "In the slums of New York for a day and a -night," she answered, enthusiastically. "My dear, it was hell upon -earth. We had a _splendid_ time!" - - * * * * * - -On one occasion a schoolmaster was very much annoyed by the conduct of -a certain boy in his class. At last, finding the culprit giggling for -no apparent reason, he cried indignantly, "Now, then, W., what are you -laughing at? Are you laughing at me?" "No, sir," replied the -astonished boy. "Then I don't see what else there is to laugh at," -came the reply. - - * * * * * - -"Good by, Jessie!" - -"Good by, Auntie May. I hope I'll be a great, big girl before you come -to make us another visit." - - * * * * * - -The star pupil arose at the school entertainment to declaim his piece. -"Lend me your ears!" he bawled. "Ha," sneered the mother of the -opposition but defeated pupil, "that's Sarah Jane Doran's boy. He -wouldn't be his mother's son if he didn't want to borrow something." - - * * * * * - -"While walking in one of the business thoroughfares of Pittsburg one -year," says Robert Edeson, "my attention was arrested by a display of -shirts in a haberdasher's window, which for variety of sunset colors -far excelled a Turner landscape when the sun is red and low, and there -in the window in glaring green type a large sign read, 'Listen!'" - - * * * * * - -One of a party of gentlemen left his corner seat in an already crowded -railway car to go in search of something to eat, leaving a rug to -reserve his place. On returning he found that in spite of the rug and -the protests of his fellow passengers, the seat had been usurped by a -woman clad in handsome clothes. With flashing eyes she turned upon -him: "Do you know, sir, that I am one of the directors' wives?" -"Madam," he replied, "were you the director's only wife I should still -protest." - - * * * * * - -Mr. C., a distinguished lawyer of Boston, was on his way to Denver to -transact some important business. During the afternoon he noticed, in -the opposite section of the Pullman, a sweet-faced, tired-appearing -woman traveling with four small children. Being fond of children and -feeling sorry for the mother, he soon made friends with the little -ones. - -Early the next morning he heard their eager questions and the patient -"Yes, dear," of the mother as she tried to dress them, and looking -out he saw a small white foot protruding beyond the opposite curtain. -Reaching across the aisle, he took hold of the large toe and began to -recite: "This little pig went to market; this little pig stayed at -home; this little pig had roast beef; this little pig had none; this -little pig cried wee wee all the way home." The foot was suddenly -withdrawn and a cold, quiet voice said: "That is quite sufficient, -thank you." - -Mr. C. hastily withdrew to the smoker, where he remained until the -train arrived in Denver. - - * * * * * - -"'Deed I am going to get married," said little Winnie, the bright -daughter of a tenant on a quiet farm in a quiet county in "The -Northern Neck" of Virginia. - -"I don't believe anybody will have you," said Miss Mabel, the -landlord's daughter, teasingly. - -"Yes, they will; I'll make 'em," said Winnie. "I'm going to get -married and have _five_ children--two of 'em colored," thoughtfully, -"to do my work." - - * * * * * - -A reverend gentleman was addressing a Sunday-school class not long -ago, and was trying to enforce the doctrine that when people's hearts -were sinful they needed regulating. Taking out his watch, and holding -it up, he said: - -"Now, here is my watch; suppose it doesn't keep good time--now goes -too fast, and now too slow--what shall I do with it?" - -"Sell it," promptly replied a boy. - - * * * * * - -The high-born dame was breaking in a new footman--stupid but honest. - -In her brougham, about to make a round of visits, she found she had -forgotten her bits of pasteboard. So she sent the lout back with -orders to bring some of her cards that were on the mantelpiece in her -boudoir, and put them in his pocket. - -Here and there she dropped one and sometimes a couple, until at last -she told Jeames to leave three. - -"Can't do it, mum." - -"How's that?" - -"I've only got two left--the ace of spades and the seven of clubs!" - - * * * * * - -The small son of a certain university professor, whose parents are -deservedly popular for their tact and courteous speech, appeared at -the home of a fellow professor and hesitatingly asked Mrs. X. if he -might look at the parlor rug. Permission was, of course, granted, and -Mrs. X. felt some surprise to see the little fellow stoop over the rug -and stare silently for some half-minute. He straightened himself up -and, meeting her wondering expression, said triumphantly: - -"It doesn't make _me_ sick!" - - * * * * * - -Uncle Harry was a bachelor and not fond of babies. Even winsome -four-year-old Helen failed to win his heart. Every one made too much -fuss over the youngster, Uncle Harry declared. - -One day Helen's mother was called downstairs and with fear and -trembling asked Uncle Harry, who was stretched out on a sofa, if he -would keep his eye on Helen. Uncle Harry grunted "Yes," but never -stirred from his position--in truth his eyes were tight shut. - -By-and-by wee Helen tiptoed over to the sofa and leaning over Uncle -Harry softly inquired: - -"Feepy?" - -"No," growled Uncle Harry. - -"Tired?" ventured Helen. - -"No," said her uncle. - -"Sick?" further inquired Helen, with real sympathy in her voice. - -"No," still insisted Uncle Harry. - -"Dus' feel bum, hey?" - -And that won the uncle! - - * * * * * - -A member of the faculty of the University of Wisconsin tells of some -amusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in English. -The candidate had been instructed to write out examples of the -indicative, the subjunctive, the potential, and the exclamatory moods. -His effort resulted as follows: - -"I am endeavoring to pass an English examination. If I answer twenty -questions I shall pass. If I answer twelve questions I may pass. God -help me!" - - * * * * * - -A clergyman was very anxious to introduce some hymn-books into the -church, and arranged with his clerk that the latter was to give out -the notice immediately after the sermon. The clerk, however, had a -notice of his own to give out with reference to the baptism of -infants. Accordingly, at the close of the sermon he arose and -announced that "All those who have children whom they wish to have -baptized please send in their names at once to the clerk." The -clergyman, who was stone deaf, assumed that the clerk was giving out -the hymn-book notice, and immediately rose and said: "And I should -say, for the benefit of those who haven't any, that they may obtain -some from the ushers any day from three to four o'clock; the ordinary -little ones at twenty-five cents each, and special ones at fifty -cents." - - * * * * * - -Clyde Fitch, the brilliant playwright, said of a jeweled watch that -had been sent him by a Scotch admirer in Peebles: - -"A jeweled watch from Peebles. How strangely unexpected! It reminds me -of an open-air performance of 'As You Like It' that I once rehearsed. - -"I rehearsed this amateur performance in a garden that was overlooked -by a building operation. As my amateurs postured and chanted the -bard's beautiful lines, bricklayers above us laid bricks, carpenters -planed boards, and masons chipped stones. - -"And one afternoon, during a silent pause in our rehearsal, we heard a -voice from the building operation say gravely: - -"'I prithee, malapert, pass me yonder brick.'" - - * * * * * - -A clergyman who was very popular with his congregation saw a lady -about to call whom he was anxious not to meet. So he said to his -wife: - -"I'll run upstairs, my dear, and escape till she goes away." - -After about an hour he quietly tiptoed to the stair landing and -listened. All was quiet below. Reassured, he began to descend, and -called out over the balustrade: - -"Well, my dear, you got rid of that old bore at last?" - -The next instant a voice from below rooted him to the spot. It was the -voice of the caller! Then came a response which sounded inexpressibly -sweet to him. It was the voice of his wife: - -"Yes, dear, she went away over an hour ago; but here is our good -friend, Mrs. Blank, whom I am sure you want to meet." - - * * * * * - -A lady and her little daughter were walking through a fashionable -street when they came to a portion of the street strewn with straw, so -as to deaden the noise of vehicles passing a certain house. - -"What's that for, ma?" said the child, to which the mother replied, -"The lady who lives in that house, my dear, has had a little baby girl -sent her." The child thought a moment, looked at the quantity of -straw, and said: "Awfully well packed, wasn't she, ma?" - - * * * * * - -A politician, upon his arrival at one of the small towns in North -Dakota, where he was to make a speech the following day, found that -the two so-called hotels were crowded to the doors. - -Not having telegraphed for accommodations, the politician discovered -that he would have to make shift as best he could. - -He was compelled for that night to sleep on a wire cot which had only -some blankets and a sheet on it. As the statesman is a fat man, he -found his improvised bed anything but comfortable. - -"Well," asked a friend, when the politician appeared in the -dining-room in the morning, "how did you sleep?" - -"Oh, fairly well," replied the statesman, nonchalantly, "but I looked -like a waffle when I got up." - - * * * * * - -William Waldorf Astor, before he set out for his English home, said, -apropos of the Russo-Japanese War: "Nations engaged in war not only -harm each other, but they lay themselves open to harm at the hands of -all sorts of other nations. In fact, two nations at war are in the -defenseless and gullible position of a certain English married couple. - -"This couple will fall out and cease to speak to one another for a -year or more at a time. They have a beautiful country house, and there -is a certain elderly matron, a great bore, who visits them -continually. Some one asked this matron which of the pair was always -inviting her. She answered, frankly, 'Neither invites me ever, but -since they don't speak to each other, each always thinks I am the -other's guest.'" - - * * * * * - -They were talking over the carelessness of well-to-do people who, by -overlooking their small bills, frequently bring disaster upon the -tradesmen who are trying to do business on a small capital. - -"It sometimes happens that these poor devils have two or three times -the amount of their capital out in bills that if paid promptly would -make their commercial ways a path of roses," said the economist. -"Little bills of three, four, and five dollars, not much in -themselves, mount up high in the aggregate, and it sometimes happens -that a seeming prosperity, through the failure of a lot of customers -to pay their bills within a reasonable time, results in ruin. - -"And yet," said the reminiscencer, "it sometimes works the other way. -I heard a story in England once of a harness dealer who on entering -his shop one afternoon, after an absence of several hours, noticed -that a rather handsome saddle that he had had in stock had -disappeared. He made immediate inquiry of his salesmen, and one of -them informed him that he had sold it to a gentleman who had come to -the shop with his trap, that the purchaser had thrown it into his -wagon and driven off, after telling him to charge it. Unfortunately, -however, he had forgotten to ask the gentleman's name, and all effort -to identify him by description failed. - -"'Well,' said the shopkeeper, who was an ingenious man, 'there is only -one thing left to be done. We will charge the saddle up on all our -outstanding accounts. Those who did not buy the saddle will, of -course, call our attention to our error, and the man who did take it -will, of course, pay." - -"This method was adopted, and at the beginning of the next month the -bills were sent out accordingly. Two weeks later the saddler -approached his cashier, and asked if he had heard as yet about the -matter. 'How about that missing saddle, Marcus?' he asked. 'We are -doing very well, sir,' replied the cashier. 'Forty of our customers -have paid for it, and only two have discovered the mistake.'" - - * * * * * - -The story is told of a young Oregon girl, a favorite in society, but -who was poor and had to take care not to get her evening gowns soiled, -as their number was limited. At a dance not long ago a great, big, -red-faced, perspiring man came in and asked her to dance. He wore no -gloves. She looked at the well-meaning moist hands despairingly, and -thought of the immaculate back of her waist. She hesitated a bit, and -then she said, with a winning smile: - -"Of course I will dance with you, but if you don't mind, won't you -please use your handkerchief?" - -The man looked at her blankly a moment or two. Then a light broke over -his face. - -"Why, certainly," he said. - -And he pulled out his handkerchief and blew his nose. - - * * * * * - -Willie finally persuaded his aunt to play train with him. The chairs -were arranged in line and then he said: - -"Now, you be engineer and I'll be the conductor. Lend me your watch -and get up into your cab." He then hurried down the platform, -timepiece in hand. - -"Pull out there, you red-headed, pie-faced jay," he shouted to the -astonished young woman. - -"Why, Willie," she exclaimed in amazement. - -"That's right, chew the rag," he retorted. "Pull out. We're five -minutes late already." - -They have had to forbid his playing down by the tracks. - - * * * * * - -Andrew Lang once wrote to Israel Zangwill to ask him to take part in -an author's reading for the benefit of a charity, and received in -reply the following laconic message: "If A. Lang will--I. Zangwill." - - * * * * * - -Mr. Peet, a rather diffident man, was unable to prevent himself from -being introduced one evening to a fascinating young lady, who, -misunderstanding his name, constantly addressed him as Mr. Peters, -much to the gentleman's distress. Finally, summoning courage, he -bashfully but earnestly remonstrated: - -"Oh, don't call me Peters; call me Peet!" - -"Ah, but I don't know you well enough, Mr. Peters," said the young -lady, blushing as she playfully withdrew behind her fan. - - * * * * * - -Senator Tillman, of South Carolina, tells of a little girl whose -statements were always exaggerated until she became known in school -and Sunday-school as a "little liar." Her parents were dreadfully -worried about her, and made strenuous efforts to correct the bad -habit. One afternoon her mother overheard an argument with her -playmate. Willie Bangs, who seemed to finish the discussion by saying -emphatically: "I'm older than you, 'cause my birthday comes first, in -May, and yours don't come until September." - -"Oh, of course your birthday comes first," sneeringly answered little -Nellie; "but that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at -the angels when they were making you." - -"Come here, Nellie; come here instantly," cried her mother. "It is -breaking mother's heart," said she, "to hear you tell such awful -stories. Remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira, don't you?" - -"Oh, yes, mama, I know. They were struck dead for lying. I saw them -carried into the corner drugstore." - - * * * * * - -The relationship between Mr. Gladstone and his wife was one of the -most beautiful the world has known, and of all the millions who looked -up to him, she was his greatest admirer. On one occasion when Mrs. -Gladstone was entertaining visitors, conversation turned on the Bible, -and there was a lively argument on the meaning of a certain passage. - -Presently one of the callers, hoping to end the discussion, remarked -devoutly: - -"There is One alone who knows all." - -The cloud vanished from Mrs. Gladstone's face and she smiled sunnily -as she said: - -"Yes, and William will be down in a few minutes." - - * * * * * - -Mabel (testing the wisdom of the grown-ups).--"Well, how did Martin -Luther die?" - -Uncle Jim.--"Die? Oh, in the ordinary way, I suppose." - -Mabel.--"Oh, Uncle! you really don't know anything. He was -excommunicated by a bull." - - * * * * * - -Small Robbie was laboring over a drawing which was obviously of great -importance. - -His mother, who was sewing in the room, got up to see what he was -doing. - -"What is it you're drawing, dear?" she said, as she stood behind him. - -Robbie was embarrassed. Struggling to cover his nervousness, he -answered with an air of great nonchalance: - -"Oh, it's papa I'm drawing, but I don't care anything about it. Guess -I'll put a tail to it, and have it for a dog." - - * * * * * - -It is told of Charles Lamb, that one afternoon, returning from a -dinner-party, having taken a seat in a crowded omnibus, a stout -gentleman subsequently looked in, and politely asked, "All full -inside?" "I don't know how it may be with the _other_ passengers," -answered Lamb, "but that last piece of oyster-pie did the business for -_me_." - - * * * * * - -One of the ladies-in-waiting to the late Queen Victoria had a very -bright little daughter about four years old of whom the Queen was very -fond. - -The Queen invited the child to have lunch with her. - -Of course the mother was highly pleased, and charged the little girl -to be very careful about her table manners, and to be very polite and -careful before the Queen. - -The little girl came home in high glee, and the mother asked her all -about the luncheon. - -"Were you a very polite little girl? and did you remember to do all I -told you at the table?" asked the proud mama. - -"Oh, yes. I was polite," said the little one, "but the Queen wasn't." - -"The Queen wasn't!" said the mother. "Why, what did she do?" - -"She took her chicken bone up in her fingers, and I just shook my -finger at her like you did at me, and said, 'Piggy, piggy, piggy!'" - - * * * * * - -A young girl once asked Mark Twain if he liked books for Christmas -gifts. - -"Well, that depends," drawled the great humorist. "If a book has a -leather cover it is really valuable as a razor strop. If it is a -brief, concise work, such as the French write, it is useful to put -under the short leg of a wabbly table. An old-fashioned book with a -clasp can't be beat as a missile to hurl at a dog, and a large book -like a geography is as good as a piece of tin to nail over a broken -pane of glass." - - * * * * * - -One of the most candid tributes the late Edwin Booth ever received was -rendered to him on his last Southern tour by one who knew neither of -his presence nor of his identity in the play. Mr. Booth told the -story to his friend, Dr. John H. Girdner. - -"We opened our engagement in Atlanta, Ga., with 'Othello,'" said Mr. -Booth, "and I played Othello. After the performance my friend, Mr. -Malone, and I went to the Kimball House for some refreshment. The long -bar was so crowded that we had to go around the corner of it before we -could find a vacant space. While we were waiting to be served we -couldn't help hearing the conversation of two fine-looking old boys, -splendid old fellows with soft hats, flowing mustaches, and chin -tufts, black string ties and all the other paraphernalia. - -"'I didn't see you at the theater this evening, Cunnel,' said one. - -"'No,' replied the other. 'I didn't buy seats till this mawnin', and -the best we could get were six rows back in the balcony. I presume, -suh, you were in the orchestra.' - -"'Yes, Cunnel, I was in the orchestra,' said the first man. 'Madam and -the girls were with me. We all agreed that we nevuh attended a mo' -thrillin' play. The company was good, too, excellent company. And do -you know, Gunnel, in my opinion that d--d nigguh did about as well as -any of 'em!'" - - * * * * * - -A Southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George. George -received nearly all of the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had his -eyes on a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing out -fast enough to suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters -somewhat by rubbing grease on one knee. When the colonel saw the -spot, he called George and asked if he had noticed it. George said, -"Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticed dat spot and tried mighty hard to git it -out, but I couldn't." - -"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked. - -"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good." - -"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?" - -"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, but -dat spot wouldn't come out." - -"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a last -resort. - -"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll fit." - - * * * * * - -It was the first vaudeville performance the old colored lady had ever -seen, and she was particularly excited over the marvelous feats of the -magician. But when he covered a newspaper with a heavy flannel cloth -and read the print through it, she grew a little nervous. He then -doubled the cloth and again read the letters accurately. - -This was more than she could stand, and rising in her seat, she said: - -"I'm goin' home. This ain't no place for a lady in a thin calico -dress!" - - * * * * * - -At a certain railway junction the train divides, one portion going to -Edinburgh, the other to Glasgow. The guard put his head in at one of -the carriage windows and asked, "All here for Edinburgh?" All replied -in the affirmative except one old woman, who after the train had -started remarked with a smile, "I was just goin' to Glesca masel' but -I wasna goin' to tell yon inquisitive deevil." - - * * * * * - -A pompous Bishop of Oxford was once stopped on a London street by a -ragged urchin. - -"Well, my little man, what can I do for you?" inquired the churchman. -"The time o' day, please, your lordship." - -With considerable difficulty the portly Bishop extracted his watch. -"It is exactly half-past five, my lad." - -"Well," said the boy, setting his feet for a good start, "at 'alf-past -six you go to 'ell!" and he was off like a flash and around the -corner. The Bishop, flushed and furious, his watch dangling from its -chain, floundered wildly after him. But as he rounded the corner he -ran plump into the outstretched arms of the venerable Bishop of -London. - -"Oxford, Oxford," remonstrated that surprised dignitary, "why this -unseemly haste?" - -Puffing, blowing, spluttering, the outraged Bishop gasped out: "That -young ragamuffin--I told him it was half-past five--and--he--er--told -me to go to hell at half-past six." - -"Yes, yes," said the Bishop of London with a twinkle in his kindly old -eyes, "but why such haste? You've got almost an hour." - - * * * * * - -A lady entered a railway station not a hundred miles from Edinburgh -and said she wanted a ticket for London. The pale-looking clerk -asked: - -"Single?" - -"It ain't any of your business," she replied. "I might have been -married a dozen times if I'd felt like providin' for some poor -shiftless wreck of a man like you." - - * * * * * - -"M-my dear," said the muddled citizen, "I 'sure you I wouldn't been -s'late, but footpad stopped me." - -"And you were so scared your tongue clove to the roof of your mouth." - -"How'd you know that?" - -"I smell the clove." - - * * * * * - -A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one -night, but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the grasp -of a policeman. "Hold on," he cried, "you mustn't arrest me. I'm a -somnambulist." To which the policeman replied: "I don't care what your -religion is--yer can't walk the streets in yer nightshirt." - - * * * * * - -"I can't keep the visitors from coming up," said the office-boy -dejectedly to the editor. "When I say you're out they don't believe -me. They say they must see you." - -"Well," said the editor, "just tell them that's what they all say. I -don't care if you 'cheek' them, but I must have quietness." - -That afternoon there called at the office a lady. She wanted to see -the editor, and the boy assured her that it was impossible. - -"But I must see him!" she protested. "I'm his wife!" - -"That's what they all say," replied the boy. And forthwith a new boy -was wanted there. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Weedon Grossmith used to tell a good story about a play by Mr. -Robert Ganthony, which that gentleman asked him to read. Mr. Grossmith -took the comedy, but lost it on his way home. "Night after night," he -said, "I would meet Ganthony and he would ask me how I liked his play. -It was awful; the perspiration used to come out on my forehead as I'd -say sometimes, 'I haven't had time to look at it yet!' or again, 'The -first act was good, but I can't stop to explain,' etc., 'must catch a -train.' That play was the bane of my existence, and haunted me even in -my dreams." Some months passed, and Ganthony, a merry wag, still -pursued him without mercy. At last it occurred to Mr. Grossmith that -he might have left the comedy in the cab on the night it was given to -him. He inquired at Scotland Yard. - -"Oh! yes," was the reply. "Play marked with Mr. Ganthony's name, sent -back to owner four months ago, as soon as found." - - * * * * * - -Some years ago when Head Consul Book, of the Western Jurisdiction, -Woodmen of the World, was traveling through the South, the train -stopped for some time in a small town, and Mr. Book alighted to make a -purchase. The storekeeper could not make the correct change for the -bill which was presented, so Mr. Book started in search of some one -who could. - -Sitting beside the door, whittling a stick, was an old darky. - -"Uncle," said Mr. Book, "can you change a ten-dollar bill?" The old -fellow looked up in surprise; then he touched his cap, and replied: -"'Deed, an' Ah can't, boss, but Ah' 'preciates de honah, jest de -same." - - * * * * * - -A gentleman riding with an Irishman came within sight of an old -gallows and, to display his wit, said: - -"Pat, do you see that?" - -"To be sure Oi do," replied Pat. - -"And where would you be to-day if the gallows had its due?" - -"Oi'd be riding alone," replied Pat. - - * * * * * - -Jerry O'Rafferty came from the north of Ireland. During all his life -there and later in Chicago he had never been inside a Catholic Church. - -He was something of a scoffer at religious ceremonies, although he -knew little about them. His good friend, Michael O'Brien, was troubled -at this, and always used his influence to get Jerry into the church. -At last he was successful. Jerry grudgingly consented to go to church -Easter Sunday because of the importance of the occasion. - -The two sat together, Jerry an interested spectator, while Mike -entered into the services like the devout man he was. - -Jerry was soon evidently impressed by the splendor of his -surroundings and the grandeur of the services. He watched the lighting -of the candles and listened attentively to the glorious burst of -Easter music. Then he could refrain from commenting no longer. - -"Mike," he whispered, leaning over to his companion, "this bates -h--l." - -"Whist," replied Mike, in a loud whisper, "sich is the intintion." - - * * * * * - -Bishop Wilmer of Alabama, famous as a story-teller, told of one of his -friends who had lost a dearly beloved wife and, in his sorrow, caused -these words to be inscribed on her tombstone: "The light of mine eyes -has gone out." The bereaved married within a year. Shortly afterward -the Bishop was walking through the graveyard with another gentleman. -When they arrived at the tomb, the latter asked the Bishop what he -would say of the present state of affairs, in view of the words on the -tombstone. "I think," said the Bishop, "the words 'But I have struck -another match' should be added." - - * * * * * - -A man of letters who visited Washington recently appeared at but one -dinner-party during his stay. Then he sat next to the daughter of a -noted naval officer. Her vocabulary is of a kind peculiar to very -young girls, but she rattled away at the famous man without a moment's -respite. It was during a pause in the general conversation that she -said to him: "I'm awfully stuck on Shakespeare. Don't you think he's -terribly interesting?" Everybody listened to hear the great man's -brilliant reply, for as a Shakespearian scholar he has few peers. -"Yes," he said, solemnly, "I do think he is interesting. I think he is -more than that. I think Shakespeare is just simply too cute for -anything." - - * * * * * - -A well-known Scotch professor was occasionally called up to Balmoral -to attend the late Queen Victoria, and was extremely proud of the -honor. One day a notice appeared in the university which stated that -Professor ---- could not attend his classes that day as he had been -called up to Balmoral to see the Queen. A waggish student who saw the -notice wrote underneath it, "God save the Queen." - - * * * * * - -"The other day," said a man passenger in a street-car, "I saw a woman -in a street-car open a satchel and take out a purse, close the satchel -and open the purse, take out a dime and close the purse, open the -satchel and put in the purse. Then she gave the dime to the conductor -and took a nickel in exchange. Then she opened the satchel and took -out the purse, closed the satchel and opened the purse, put in the -nickel and closed the purse, opened the satchel and put in the purse, -closed the satchel and locked both ends. Then she felt to see if her -back hair was all right, and it was all right, and she was all right. -That was a woman." - - * * * * * - -As a couple of callers were in the parlor of a friend who is a firm -Christian Scientist, the voice of five-year-old Florence could be -heard from an upper room, fretting. Upon their inquiries about her -the mother replied simply she was suffering from a "belief" in a boil. - -One of the visitors was a rather grim great-aunt of the family who -possesses a most lively scorn of Mrs. Eddy's so-called science as well -as a deep-rooted affection for little Florence. She immediately -demanded what had been applied for her relief and as naturally the -answer was, "Nothing." She assumed her most decided expression, drew -off her gloves and started upstairs. - -"Aunt Molly, what are you going to do? I must repeat it is only a -belief in a boil," expostulated the mother. - -"Very well," retorted Aunt Molly, continuing her march upstairs, "I am -merely going to put on a dream of a poultice." - -And she did. - - * * * * * - -Mistress--"Did the fisherman who stopped here this morning have frog's -legs?" - -Nora--"Sure, mum, I dinnaw. He wore pants." - - * * * * * - -When the thermometer dropped below zero Mrs. Rogers was much disturbed -by the thought that Huldah, the new kitchen maid, slept in an unheated -room. - -"Huldah," she said, remembering the good old custom of her girlhood, -"it's going to be pretty cold to-night. I think you had better take a -flatiron to bed with you." - -"Yes, ma'am," assented Huldah without enthusiasm. - -Mrs. Rogers, happy in the belief that her maid was comfortable, slept -soundly. In the morning she visited the kitchen. - -"Well, Huldah, how did you get along with the flatiron?" - -Huldah breathed a deep sigh of recollection. - -"Vell, ma'am, I got it 'most warm before morning." - - * * * * * - -Many children are so crammed with everything that they really know -nothing. - -In proof of this, read these veritable specimens of definitions, -written by public-school children: - -"Stability is taking care of a stable." - -"A mosquito is the child of black and white parents." - -"Monastery is the place for monsters." - -"Tocsin is something to do with getting drunk." - -"Expostulation is to have the smallpox." - -"Cannibal is two brothers who killed each other in the Bible." - -"Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the head, -the chist, and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and brains, if -any. The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver. The -stummick is devoted to the bowels, of which there are five, a, e, i, -o, u, and sometimes w and y." - - * * * * * - -Little Polly, coming in from her walk one morning, informed her mother -that she had seen a lion in the park. No amount of persuasion or -reasoning could make her vary her statement one hairbreadth. That -night, when she slipped down on her knees to say her prayers, her -mother said, "Polly, ask God to forgive you for that fib." - -Polly hid her face for a moment. Then she looked straight into her -mother's eyes, her own eyes shining like stars, and said, "I did ask -him, mama, dearest, and he said, 'Don't mention it, Miss Polly; that -big yellow dog has often fooled me.'" - - * * * * * - -"Boohoo! Boohoo!" wailed little Johnny. - -"Why, what's the matter, dear?" his mother asked comfortingly. - -"Boohoo--er--p-picture fell on papa's toes." - -"Well, dear, that's too bad, but you mustn't cry about it, you know." - -"I d-d-didn't. I l-laughed. Boohoo! Boohoo!" - - * * * * * - -Two candidates for office in Missouri were stumping the northern part -of the State. In one town their appearance was almost simultaneous. -The candidate last arriving stopped at a house for a drink of water. -To the little girl who answered his knock at the door he said--when -she had given him the desired drink and he had offered her some candy -in recompense: - -"Did the man ahead of me give you anything?" - -"Oh, yes," replied the girl. "He gave me candy." - -"Ah!" exclaimed the candidate. "Here's five cents for you. I don't -suppose that _he_ gave you any money?" - -The youngster laughed. "Yes, he did, too! He gave me ten cents!" - -Not to be outdone, the candidate gave the little one another nickel -and picking her up in his arms, kissed her. - -"Did he kiss you, too?" he asked genially. - -"Yes, he did, sir," responded the little girl, "and he kissed ma, -too." - - * * * * * - -The owner of a dry-goods store heard a new clerk say to a customer, -"No, madam, we have not had any for a long time." - -With a fierce glance at the clerk the smart employer rushed up to the -woman and said: "We have plenty of everything in reserve ma'am; plenty -upstairs." - -The customer and the clerk looked dazed. Then the proprietor, seeing -that something was wrong, said to the customer: "Excuse me, what did -you ask for?" - -The woman simply replied, "Why, I said to your clerk that we hadn't -had any rain lately." - - * * * * * - -Senator W. A. Clark detests nothing more than to be interrupted when -busy. One day he was in his office engaged in a business conversation -when a petite woman, carrying a black bag, entered. With a compelling -smile and an insinuating manner she approached the surly millionaire. -Utterly insensible to his repellent mood and indifferent to his abrupt -manner she drew from the depths of a bag a handsomely bound volume, -the merits and beauty of which she began eloquently to descant upon. - -Failing to embarrass her with arctic frigidity and impatient at her -persistency under rebuffs all but vulgar, he turned suddenly upon the -chattering woman and asked: - -"Madam, do you know what my time is worth?" - -She confessed it was a conundrum. - -"Well," he said, petulantly, "it's worth $30 an hour!" - -He turned away with the air of one who had settled the matter -definitely beyond any further controversy. But he didn't know the -woman. - -"Oh, I'm so grateful to you, Mr. Clark," she replied, with a tone of -pathos in her voice. "Thirty dollars an hour, did you say?" - -"Yes; that's what I said, and it's cheap at that," and he smiled -cynically. - -"Oh, I know it's dirt cheap," she chirped with winsome blitheness. "I -am so glad you told me"--rummaging in her reticule, from which she -quickly flashed out a purse gorged with currency. Moving near to the -astonished millionaire, who now regarded her movements with unfeigned -curiosity, she counted two bills, a ten and a five, off the roll. -These she pushed along the top of the sloping desk toward him and -said: "Yes, I'm glad you told me, because I hadn't expected to get it -so cheap. There is $15. Now, I want a half hour of your uninterrupted -attention while I talk to you about this book." - -Clark pushed the money back and subscribed and paid for two copies of -the book. - - * * * * * - -The following bit from a letter of thanks is cherished by its -recipient: "The beautiful clock you sent us came in perfect -condition, and is now in the parlor on top of the book-shelves, where -we hope to see you soon, and your husband, also, if he can make it -convenient." - - * * * * * - -Tourist (in French restaurant)--"This is awful! I've ordered three -dishes from this menu and they are all potatoes!" - - * * * * * - -"Mistah Brown," said the old colored woman, coming into the -cross-roads store, "you ain't got no spool-cotton number thirty, is -you?" - -"Why, aunt Sally, I didn't say I didn't have it, did I?" - -"You go long, Mistah Brown. I didn't ax you 'aint you got it?' I axed -you 'is you'?--ain't you?" - - * * * * * - -An old "befo-de-wah" darky was called upon to make a few remarks over -the grave of a friend. He removed his hat and stepped reverently and -sadly toward the open grave and in solemn funereal tones said: "Friday -Vizer, you is gone. We hope you is gone whar we spects you ain't!" - - * * * * * - -A New Yorker who does his bit of "globe trotting" tells of two odd -entries that he saw in the visitors' book of a fashionable resort on -the Rhine. - -A few years ago one of the Paris members of the Rothschild family had -registered as follows: - -"R. de Paris." - -It chanced that the next visitor to inscribe his name in the book was -Baron Oppenheim, the banker of Cologne, and he wrote beneath -Rothschild's: - -"O. de Cologne." - - * * * * * - -The Stranger--"And who are the Murphys' ancestors?" - -Mr. M.--"Ancestors? What's that?" - -The Stranger--"I mean who do the Murphys spring from?" - -Mr. M.--"The Murphys spring from no one. They spring _at_ thim!" - - * * * * * - -At a wedding-feast recently the bridegroom was called upon, as usual, -to respond to the given toast, in spite of the fact that he had -previously pleaded to be excused. Blushing to the roots of his hair, -he rose to his feet. He intended to imply that he was unprepared for -speechmaking, but he unfortunately placed his hand upon his bride's -shoulder, and looked down at her as he stammered out his opening and -concluding words: - -"This--er--thing has been forced upon me." - - * * * * * - -Very much excited and out of breath, a young man who could not have -been married very long rushed up to an attendant at one of the city -hospitals and inquired after Mrs. Brown, explaining between breaths -that it was his wife whom he felt anxious about. - -The attendant looked at the register and replied that there was no -Mrs. Brown in the hospital. - -"My God! Don't keep me waiting in this manner," said the excited young -man. "I must know how she is." - -"Well, she isn't here," again said the attendant. - -"She must be," broke in the visitor, "for here is a note I found on -the kitchen-table when I came home from work." - -The note read: - -"_Dear Jack_--Have gone to have my kimono cut out. ANNIE." - - * * * * * - -While an Irishman was gazing in the window of a Washington bookstore -the following sign caught his eye: - - DICKENS' WORKS - ALL THIS WEEK FOR - ONLY $4.00. - -"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!" - - * * * * * - -A dear old New England spinster, the embodiment of the timid and -shrinking, passed away at Carlsbad, where she had gone for her health. -Her nearest kinsman, a nephew, ordered her body sent back to be -buried--as was her last wish--in the quiet little country churchyard. -His surprise can be imagined, when on opening the casket, he beheld, -instead of the placid features of his aunt Mary, the majestic port of -an English General in full regimentals, whom he remembered had chanced -to die at the same time and place as his aunt. - -At once he cabled to the General's heirs explaining the situation and -requesting instructions. - -They came back as follows: "Give the General quiet funeral. Aunt Mary -interred to-day with full military honors, six brass bands, saluting -guns." - - * * * * * - -Early in the morning session, when the pupils were feeling bright and -happy, the teacher thought it a good plan to give them sentences to -correct, both as to grammar and sense. She accordingly wrote on the -blackboard: "The hen has four legs. He done it." Thoughtful little -Ignatius, at the foot of the class, pondered deeply, and at the end of -the fifteen minutes' time allowed for correction he wrote: "_He_ -didn't done it: God done it." - - * * * * * - -The late John Stetson, famous in his day as a theatrical manager, was -having a yacht built, and a friend, meeting him on the street, asked -him what he was going to name the boat. "I haven't decided yet," -replied John, "but it will be some name commencing with S, probably -either 'Psyche' or 'Cinch.'" - - * * * * * - -A clergyman was on board a steamer which was caught in a severe gale. -The rolling was constant and seemed to get worse as time went on. At -last the good man got thoroughly frightened. He believed they were -destined for a watery grave, so he went to the captain and asked if he -might have prayers. The captain took him by the arm and led him to the -forecastle, where the tars were singing and swearing. "There," said -he, "when you hear the men swearing you may know there is no danger." -The clergyman went back feeling better, but still the storm increased -and his alarm also. Disconsolate, he managed to stagger to the -forecastle again, where he heard the sailors swearing as hard as ever. -"Mary," he said to his sympathetic wife as he crawled back to his -berth, "Mary, thank God, they're swearing yet." - - * * * * * - -"Hawaiian servants," said a woman with some experience of them, "are -the best in the world, but they are strangely unsophisticated, -strangely naive. They insist on calling you by your first name. Ours -were always saying to my husband, 'Yes, John,' or 'all right, John,' -and to me 'very well, Ann,' or 'Ann, I am going out.' At last I got -tired of this and to John, when we got a new cook, I said: Don't ever -call me by my first name in the cook's presence. Then, perhaps, not -knowing my name, he'll have to say 'Mrs.' to me. So John was careful -to address me as 'dearie,' or 'sweetheart,' the watchful chap gave me -no title at all. One day we had some English officers to dine. I told -them how I had overcome, in my new cook's case, the native servants' -abuse of their employer's Christian names, and I said, By this -servant, at least, you won't hear me called 'Ann.'" Just then the new -cook entered the room. He bowed to me respectfully and said: - -"'Sweetheart, dinner is served!' - -"'What?' I stammered. - -"'Dinner is served, dearie!' answered the cook." - - * * * * * - -Early one morning, on the second day out, a terribly seasick -passenger, pale and hollow-eyed, came out of his stateroom and ran -into a lady, who was coming along the passageway, clad in the -scantiest raiment. She screamed and started to run. "Don't be -alarmed," groaned the man. "Don't be alarmed, madam; I shall never -live to tell it." - - * * * * * - -Mike and Pat worked for a wealthy farmer. They planned to turn -burglars and steal the money which the farmer had hid in one of the -rooms of his house. They waited until midnight, then started to do the -job. - -In order to get the money they had to pass the farmer's bedroom. Mike -said, "I'll go first, and if it's all right you can follow and do just -the same as I." - -Mike started to pass the room. Just as he got opposite the door the -floor creaked. This awoke the farmer, who called out, "Who's there?" - -Mike answered with a "meaow!" (imitating a cat). The farmer's wife -being awake, too, said, "Oh, John, it's the cat," and all was quiet. - -Now Pat started to pass the door, and as he got opposite it the floor -creaked again. The farmer called out again, louder than before, "Who's -there?" - -Pat answered, "Another cat." - - * * * * * - -Softleigh--"Good evening, Mrs. Moran. I came to see if your daughter, -Miss Mabel, would go for a walk with me." - -Miss Mabel--"How do you do, Mr. Softleigh? I shall be delighted. -Mama, do I look fit to go to a restaurant?" - - * * * * * - -They were on their honeymoon. He had bought a catboat and had taken -her out to show her how well he could handle a boat, putting her to -tend the sheet. A puff of wind came, and he shouted in no uncertain -tones, "Let go the sheet." No response. Then again, "Let go that -sheet, quick." Still no movement. A few minutes later, when both were -clinging to the bottom of the overturned boat, he said: - -"Why didn't you let go that sheet when I told you to, dear?" - -"I would have," said the bride, "if you had not been so rough about -it. You ought to speak more kindly to your wife." - - * * * * * - -Madam--"Put plenty of nuts in the cake." - -Cook--"I'll crack no more nuts to-day, me jaw hurts me already." - - * * * * * - -Mother--"Alice, it is bedtime. All the little chickens have gone to -bed." - -Alice--"Yes, mama, and so has the hen." - - * * * * * - -Few men have ever been so ready and witty as Mark Twain in introducing -others to public audiences. At Hartford, December 12, 1877, he -presented Mr. Howells, and, after a word or two as to his literary -work, said, "But I am not here to speak of his literary reputation, -but simply to (a long pause) back up his moral character." - - * * * * * - -A Lancashire vicar was asked by the choir to call upon old Betty, who -was deaf, but who insisted in joining in the solo of the anthem, and -to ask her only to sing in the hymns. He shouted into her ear: "Betty! -I've been requested to speak to you about your singing." At last she -caught the word "singing," and replied: "Not to me be the praise, sir; -it's a gift." - - * * * * * - -The proprietor of a large drug store recently received this curt and -haughty note written in an angular, feminine hand: "I do not want -vasioline, but glisserine. Is that plain enough? I persoom you can -spell." - - * * * * * - -It was in a Maine Sunday-school that a teacher recently asked a -Chinese pupil she was teaching to read if he understood the meaning of -the words "an old cow." - -"Been cow a long time," was the prompt answer. - - * * * * * - -Upon moving into a new neighborhood the small boy of the family was -cautioned not to fight with his new acquaintances. One day Willie came -home with a black eye and very much spattered with dirt. - -"Why, Willie," said mama, "I thought I told you to count a hundred -before you fought!" - -"I did, mama," said Willie, "and look what Tommy Smith did while I was -counting!" - - * * * * * - -"The rolling stone gathers no moss," quoted the man who had never been -outside his home county. - -"True," rejoined the globe-trotter, "but it acquires an enviable -polish." - - * * * * * - -Curate (who is going to describe his little holiday in Lucerne)--"My -dear friends--I will not call you ladies and gentlemen, since I know -you too well." - - * * * * * - -Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun -extempore. - -"Upon what subject?" said Daniel. - -"The king," answered the other. - -"Oh! sir," said he "the king is no subject." - - * * * * * - -Illustrative of "that troublesome Henglish haitch" an American -traveler relates the following: - -Once I dined with an English farmer. We had ham--very delicious baked -ham. The farmer's son soon finished his portion and passed his plate -again. - -"More 'am, father," he said. - -The farmer frowned. - -"Don't say 'am, son. Say _'am_." - -"I did say 'am," the lad protested in an injured tone. - -"You said _'am_," cried the father fiercely. "'Am's what it should be. -'Am, not _'am_." - -In the middle of the squabble the farmer's wife turned to me and, with -a deprecatory little laugh, explained: - -"They both think they're sayin' 'am, sir." - - * * * * * - -Passing along Princes Street, Edinburgh, one day a herculean Scots -Grey stopped at the post-office and called on a street arab to polish -his boots. The feet of the dragoon were in proportion to his height -and, looking at the tremendous boots before him, the arab knelt down -on the pavement and shouted out to his chum across the road, "Jamie, -come ower an' gie's a hand, I've got an army contract." - - * * * * * - -The younger man had been complaining that he could not get his wife to -mend his clothes. - -"I asked her to sew a button on this vest last night, and she hasn't -touched it," he said. At this the older man assumed the air of a -patriarch. - -"Never ask a woman to mend anything," he said. "You haven't been -married very long, and I think I can give you some serviceable -suggestions. When I want a shirt mended I take it to my wife, flourish -it around a little and say, 'Where's that rag-bag?' - -"'What do you want of the rag-bag?' asks my wife. Her suspicions are -roused at once. - -"'I want to throw this shirt away; it's worn out,' I say, with a few -more flourishes. - -"'Let me see that shirt,' my wife says then. 'Now, John, hand it to me -at once.' - -"Of course, I pass it over, and she examines it. 'Why, John Taylor,' -she is sure to say, 'I never knew such extravagance! This is a -perfectly good shirt. All it needs is----' And then she mends it." - - * * * * * - -A browbeating counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a -certain place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the -reply. "How come you to be so exact, my friend?" "I expected some fool -or other would ask me, so I measured it." - - * * * * * - -"Now, see here, porter," said the drummer briskly, "I want you to put -me off at Syracuse. You know we get in there about six o'clock in the -morning, and I may over-sleep myself. But it is important that I -should get out. Here's a five-dollar gold piece. Now, I may wake up -hard. Don't mind if I kick. Pay no attention if I'm ugly. I want you -to put me off the train no matter how hard I fight. Understand?" - -"Yes, sah," answered the sturdy Nubian. "It shall be did, sah!" - -The next morning the coin-giver was awakened by a stentorian voice -calling: "Rochester!" - -"Rochester!" he exclaimed, sitting up. "Where's that porter?" - -Hastily slipping on his trousers, he went in search of the negro, and -found him in the porter's closet, huddled up, with his head in a -bandage, his clothes torn, and his arm in a sling. - -"Well," said the drummer, "you are a sight. Why didn't you put me off -at Syracuse?" - -"Wha-at!" gasped the porter, jumping up, as his eyes bulged from his -head. "Was you de gemman dat give me a five-dollah gold piece?" - -"Of course I was, you idiot!" - -"Well, den, befoah de Lawd, who was dat gemman I put off at Syracuse?" - - * * * * * - -A right reverend prelate, himself a man of extreme good-nature, was -frequently much vexed in spirit by the proud, froward, perverse, and -untractable temper of his next vicar. The latter, after an absence -much longer than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop, who kindly -inquired the cause of his absence, and was answered by the vicar that -he had been confined to his house for some time past by an obstinate -stiffness in his knee. "I am glad of that," replied the prelate; "'tis -a good symptom that the disorder has changed place, for I had a long -time thought it immovably settled in your neck." - - * * * * * - -Bride--"George, dear, when we reach our destination let us try to -avoid giving the impression that we are newly married." - -George--"All right, Maud; you can carry the suitcase and umbrellas." - - * * * * * - -Francis Wilson was speaking at the Players Club of New York City, not -long ago, of the all too prevalent ignorance of dramatic literature in -the country to-day. - -"Why," said Mr. Wilson, "a company was playing 'She Stoops to -Conquer' in a small Western town last winter when a man without any -money, wishing to see the show, stepped up to the box office and said: - -"'Pass me in, please.' - -"The box office man gave a loud, harsh laugh. - -"'Pass you in? What for?' he asked. - -"The applicant drew himself up and answered, haughtily: 'What for? -Why, because I am Oliver Goldsmith, author of the play.' - -"'Oh, I beg your pardon, sir,' replied the other in a meek voice, as -he hurriedly wrote an order for a box." - - * * * * * - -Lady Bountiful--"All I can say is, Jenkins, that if these people -insist on building these horrid little villas near my gates, I shall -leave the place." - -Jenkins--"Exactly what I told them at the meeting, your ladyship. I -said, 'Do you want to drive away the goose that lays the golden -eggs?'" - - * * * * * - -Old Lady (to conductor--her first drive on an electric tram).--"Would -it be dangerous, conductor, if I was to put my foot on the rail?" - -Conductor (an Edison manque).--"No, mum, not unless you was to put the -other one on the overhead wire!" - - * * * * * - -After a few weeks at boarding-school Alice wrote home as follows: - -"_Dear Father_--Though I was homesick at first, now that I am getting -acquainted, I like the school very much. Last evening Grayce and -Kathryn (my roommates) and I had a nice little chafing-dish party, -and we invited three other girls, Mayme and Carrye Miller and Edyth -Kent. I hope you are all well at home. I can't write any more now for -I have a lot of studying to do. With lots of love to all. - - "Your affectionate daughter, - - "ALYSS." - -To this she received the following reply: - -"_My dear Daughter Alyss_--I was glad to receive your letter and to -know that you are enjoying yourself. Uncle Jaymes came the other day, -bringing Charls and Albyrt with him. Your brother Henrie was -delighted, for he has been lonely without you. I have bought a new -gray horse whose name is Byllye. He matches nicely with old Fredde. -With much love from us all, I am, - - "Your affectionate father, - - "WYLLYAM JONES." - -The next letter from the absent daughter was signed "Alice." - - * * * * * - -While Chauncey M. Depew was at the Omaha Exposition, he and President -Callaway of the New York Central chanced to go into a booth on the -Midway Plaisance. - -It was a tame entertainment and there was only a meager attendance -when Mr. Depew and Mr. Callaway entered. Their stay would have been -very brief except for the fact that they had scarcely taken their -seats before there began a steady inpouring of people, which continued -until the small auditorium was crowded. - -Taking this extraordinary increase of spectators as an indication that -something of an interesting nature was about to be disclosed, the two -New Yorkers concluded to sit it out. Half an hour's waiting failed to -reward their patient expectancy, however, and Mr. Callaway suggested -that they move on. - -Just then ex-Secretary of Agriculture J. Sterling Morton pushed his -way through the crowd, and, extending his hand to Mr. Depew, -exclaimed: - -"Well, Doctor Depew, so you are really here! I thought that 'barker' -was lying." - -"What do you mean?" inquired Mr. Depew. - -"Why, the 'barker' for this show is standing outside and inviting the -crowd to 'step up lively' and pay ten cents for the privilege of -seeing the 'great and only Chauncey M. Depew.'" - - * * * * * - -That the royal road to learning is full of strange pitfalls is -shown by some of the definitions and statements given by -school-children--some of whom are well along the way. The following -are _bona fide_ samples coming under the knowledge of one teacher: - -"About this time Columbus was cursing around among the West Indies." - -"Jackson's campaign in the Valley was the greatest piece of -millinery-work ever known." - -"The Valkyrie were the Choosers of the Slain, and the Valhalla the -Haulers of the Slain." - -"The eldest son of the King of France is called The Dolphin." - -"The Duke of Clarence, according to his usual custom, was killed in -battle." - -"Heathen are paragons (pagans) that wash up idle things." - -"The Indians call their women squabs." - - * * * * * - -A certain curate in the course of conversation at a dinner party some -time ago remarked to a friend, "I had a curious dream last night, but -as it was about my vicar I hardly like to tell it." On being pressed, -however, he began: "I dreamt I was dead and was on my way to Heaven, -which was reached by a very long ladder. At the foot I was met by an -angel, who pressed a piece of chalk into my hand and said, 'If you -climb long enough you will reach Heaven, but for every sin you are -conscious of having committed you must mark a rung of the ladder with -the chalk as you go up.' I took the chalk and started. I had climbed -up very, very far and was feeling very tired when I suddenly met my -vicar coming down. 'Hullo!' I said, 'what are you going down for?' -'More chalk.'" - - * * * * * - -Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had -helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married. - -"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after -her marriage. - -"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered. - -"And is your husband a good provider?" - -"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic reply. -"Why, jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at." - - * * * * * - -A certain curate was of a painfully nervous temperament, and in -consequence was constantly making awkward remarks--intended as -compliments--to the bishop and others. Having distinguished himself in -an unusual degree during a gathering of clergy to an afternoon tea at -the bishop's palace, he was taken to task for his failings by a senior -curate, who was one of his companions on the way home. - -"Look here, Bruce," said the senior decidedly, "you are a donkey! Why -can not you keep quiet, instead of making your asinine remarks? I am -speaking to you now as a brother----" - -Loud laughter interrupted him at this point, and for the moment he -wondered why. - - * * * * * - -An earnest clergyman one Sunday morning was exhorting those who had -anxious and troubled consciences to be sure and call on their pastor -for guidance and prayer. - -"To show you, my brethren, the blessed results of these visits with -your pastor," said he, "I will state to you that only yesterday a -gentleman of wealth called upon me for counsel and instruction; and -now to-day, my friends--to-day he sits among us, not only a Christian, -but a happy husband and father." - -A young lady in the audience whispered to a matron: "Wasn't that -pretty quick work?" - - * * * * * - -A good story is told of the late George Augustus Sala in his early and -impecunious days. At some festive gathering where Mr. Sala was -present, Mr. Attemborough, the famous pawnbroker, was also a guest. -They recognized each other, and shook hands. - -"How do you do, Mr. Attemborough," said the journalist. "We have met -often before, but I think this is the first time I have ever seen your -legs." - - * * * * * - -A clergyman in the West Country had two curates, one a comparatively -old man, the other very young. With the former he had not been able to -work agreeably; and on being invited to another living, he accepted -it, and took the young curate with him. Naturally, there was a -farewell sermon; and we can imagine the feelings of the curate who was -to be left behind when he heard the text given out, "Abide ye here -with the ass, and I and the lad will go yonder and worship." - - * * * * * - -A bishop was staying with a friend in a country house. On Sunday -morning as he passed through the library he found a small boy curled -up in a big chair, deeply interested in a book. - -"Are you going to church, Tom?" he asked. - -"No, sir," he replied. - -"Why, I am," said the Bishop. - -"Huh," said the boy, "you've got to go. It's your job." - - * * * * * - -A celebrated continental specialist to whom time was literally money -and who was possessed of a fiery temper made it a rule that all -patients should undress before entering his consulting room so as not -to waste any of his valuable time. One day a meek-looking little man -entered with all his clothes on. "What do you mean by coming in like -that?" said the doctor in a rage. "Go and strip at once!" "But I--" -faltered the man. "I tell you I've no time to waste," yelled the -doctor, and the poor man left the room in haste. When his turn came he -reentered the room. "Now then," said the doctor, "that's better. What -can I do for you?" "I called to collect your subscription for the -benevolent society." - - * * * * * - -A tall man, impatiently pacing the platform of a wayside station, -accosted a red-haired boy of about twelve. - -"S-s-say," he said, "d-d-do y-you know ha-ha-how late this train is?" - -The boy grinned but made no reply. The man stuttered out something -about red-headed kids in general and passed into the station. - -A stranger, overhearing the one-sided conversation, asked the boy why -he hadn't answered the big man. - -"D-d-d'ye wanter see me g-g-get me fa-fa-face punched?" stammered the -boy. "D-d-dat big g-g-guy'd tink I was mo-mo-mocking him." - - * * * * * - -"Mother," said a college student who had brought his chum home for the -holidays, "permit me to present my friend, Mr. Specknoodle." - -His mother, who was a little hard of hearing, placed her hand to her -ear. - -"I'm sorry, George, but I didn't quite catch your friend's name. -You'll have to speak a little louder, I'm afraid." - -"I say, mother," shouted George, "I want to present my friend Mr. -_Specknoodle_." - -"I'm sorry, George, but Mr. ---- What was the name again?" - -"MR. SPECKNOODLE!" George fairly yelled. - -The old lady shook her head sadly. - -"I'm sorry, George, but I'm afraid it's no use. It sounds just like -Specknoodle to me." - - * * * * * - -A young American lady on a visit to London was being shown some of the -sights by a boastful Englishman. "This is a cannon captured at Bunker -Hill," said the Englishman. "How interesting," exclaimed the lady. "I -must explain," said the gentleman tauntingly, "that this cannon was -captured from the Americans by the English." The lady quietly -retorted, "Well, you have the cannon; we have the hill." - - * * * * * - -Former Congressman Fred Landis of Indiana has made a reputation for -himself as an orator. A year or so ago Landis, speaking at the -unveiling of a monument to President Lincoln, uttered the phrase, -"Abraham Lincoln--that mystic mingling of star and clod." This was -loudly applauded. After the speech a friend of Landis approached him, -and, repeating the phrase, said: "Fred, what in the name of heaven -does that mean?" Putting his arm around his friend's shoulder, Landis -replied: "I don't know, really, but it gets 'em every time." - - * * * * * - -Captain Foretopp tells a story of a certain noted divine who was on -his steamer when a great gale overtook them off the Oregon coast. "It -looks pretty bad," said the Bishop to the Captain. "Couldn't be much -worse, Bishop," replied Foretopp. - -Half an hour later the steamer was diving under the waves as if she -were a submarine and leaking like an old door. "Looks worse, I think, -Captain," said the Bishop. "We must trust in Providence now, Bishop," -answered Foretopp. - -"Oh, I hope it has not come to that," gasped the Bishop. - - * * * * * - -A couple of New Yorkers were playing golf on a New Jersey course on -Election Day when they saw a fine-appearing old gentleman looking at -them wistfully. They asked him to join the game, which he did with -alacrity. He was mild in speech and manner and played well. But once -when he had made a foozle he ejaculated vehemently the word: "Croton!" -A few minutes later when he made another bad play, he repeated: -"Croton!" The third time he said it, one of his new-made friends said: -"I don't want to be inquisitive, but will you tell me why you say -'Croton' so often?" "Well," said the old gentleman, "isn't that the -biggest dam near New York?" He was a Presbyterian clergyman from -Brooklyn. - - * * * * * - -Willie, aged five, was taken by his father to his first football game. -The feature that caught his chief approval, however, did not become -evident until he said his prayers that night. To the horror of his -parents Willie prayed with true football snap: - - "God bless papa, - God bless mama, - God bless Willie; - Rah! Rah! Rah!" - - * * * * * - -A suburban minister during his discourse one Sabbath morning said: "In -each blade of grass there is a sermon." The following day one of his -flock discovered the good man pushing a lawn mower about his garden -and paused to say: "Well, parson, I'm glad to see you engaged in -cutting your sermons short." - - * * * * * - -"Now, Bobby," instructed the Fond Maternal Parent of the prodigy in -velveteens, bound for a children's party, "the weather looks rather -threatening. Here is half a dollar for you, and if it rains come back -by cab." - -Two hours later it came down cats and dogs, and F. M. P. (Fond -Maternal Parent) returned devout thanks for her forethought. - -But when little Bobby Velveteens returned he was wet to the skin. - -"Why, Bobby," cried the F. M. P., "didn't you come back by cab, as I -told you?" - -"Oh, yes, ma!" answered Bobby. "And it was simply splendid! I rode on -the box beside the driver!" - - * * * * * - -A Bishop of the Episcopal Church lived all his life unwed. A friend -mentioned that one of the States was imposing a tax on bachelors, to -be increased a certain percentage every ten years of bachelorhood, and -added: "Why, Bishop, at your age you would have to pay a hundred -dollars a year." - -"Well," said the Bishop quietly, "it's worth it." - - * * * * * - -Two old women, on their way home from church, in a country district of -Scotland, were speaking of Napoleon's overthrow, by the allied troops -at Waterloo. The minister had been pointing a moral by aid of the -Corsican hero's defeat. - -"Hoo is it," said one, in her narrow way, "the Scotch aye win their -battles?" - -"Weel, ye ken, it's because they aye pray afore they go in the fecht," -replied the other. - -"Ay! But mercy, wuman, canna the French pray, as weel?" - -"Nae doobt, they dae; but wha could understan' they jabberin' bodies?" -snapped the interrogated one, in peremptory answer. - - * * * * * - -Curiously worded advertisements that are funny without intent are -common in the London papers. Here are a few examples: - -"A boy wanted who can open oysters with references." - -"Bulldog for sale; will eat anything, very fond of children." - -"Wanted an organist and a boy to blow the same." - -"Wanted, a boy to be partly outside and partly inside the counter." - -"Lost, near Highgate Archway, an umbrella belonging to a gentleman -with a bent rib and a bone handle." - -"To be disposed of, a mail phaeton, the property of a gentleman with a -movable headpiece as good as new." - - * * * * * - -A tall young man stalked with stately stride into the office of a -small hotel in a remote part of the White Mountains. Behind him came a -severe valet carrying bags and a gun-case, and on a wagon at the door -were two prosperous trunks. In an armchair behind the hotel counter -sat a spare old man placidly chewing tobacco and reading the "Weekly -Recorder." - -"Ah-h-h! Hm!" the tall young man began. "Is this Mr. Silas P. Meacham, -proprietor of this hotel?" - -"Yaas," replied the old one, glancing up over his paper. - -"I am Mr. Hanningford Wattster van Derventer, of the Metropolis Club, -of New York," said the visitor, impressively. "My friend, Mr. -Vandergilt, told me you would take excellent care of me here." - -"Ya-as," replied Silas, still buried in his paper. - -"_I_ am Mr. Hanningford Wattster van Derventer, of New York," the -visitor repeated. "My friend, Mr. Vandergilt, told me you would take -excellent care of me here." - -"Ya-a-as," said Silas, still chewing and reading his paper. - -"_I_ am Mr. Hanningford Wattster van Derventer, of New York," the -young man reiterated with the air of one who tells great news, also -with rising indignation. "My friend, Mr. _Vandergilt_, told me you -would take excellent care of me--show me every attention." - -"Wa-al," exclaimed Silas P. Meacham, throwing down the paper and -revealing his few yellow teeth in a mocking grin--"wa-al, what d'ye -want me t' do--kiss ye?" - - * * * * * - -Court--(to prosecutor)--"Then you recognize this handkerchief as the -one which was stolen?" - -Prosecutor--"Yes, your honor." - -Court--"And yet it isn't the only handkerchief of the sort in the -world. See, this one I have in my pocket is exactly like it." - -Prosecutor--"Very likely, your honor; there were two stolen." - - * * * * * - -The company of soldiers had been receiving a lesson in minor tactics, -and among other subjects was the method of patrols in getting -information. The book said that information could be obtained from -"mayors, postmasters, livery-stable keepers, doctors, peasants, etc." - -The lieutenant turned to Finnegan and said: "Do you know what a -peasant is, Finnegan?" - -He answered promptly, "Yes, sor." - -"Well, what is it?" - -"It's a bird, sor," said Finnegan with evident pride. - - * * * * * - -Senator Pettus, of Alabama, was writing with a noisy, spluttering pen. -Laying it down, he smiled and said: "Once I was spending the evening -with a friend of mine in Selma. We sat in the dining-room and from -the kitchen came a dreadful scratching sound. 'Martha,' said my friend -to the maid, 'what is that scratching? it must be the dog trying to -get in.' 'Huh!' said Martha, 'Dat ain' no dog, dat's cook writin' a -love-letter to heh honeysuckle.'" - - * * * * * - -"No smoking in this coach, sir," said the conductor of a passenger -train. "I'm not smokin'," answered the passenger with an injured air -from the depths of his seat. - -"You've got your pipe in your mouth," declared the conductor with -emphasis, sharply confident. "I hov," retorted the Hibernian, "and I -hov me fut in me shoe, too, but I'm not walkin'." - - * * * * * - -Little Alice is old for her years. One evening after she had gone to -bed she heard mama and papa laughing in much enjoyment over a game of -flinch; she longed to get up and join them, but knew she must not. The -next morning at breakfast she was very quiet. Presently she drew a -deep sigh, and said, "What a good time you and papa had last night. -Oh, I feel the need of a husband, mama, I _do_ feel it!" - - * * * * * - -A teacher in one of the primary schools of New York recently read to -her pupils "The Old Oaken Bucket." - -After explaining the song to them very carefully, she asked the class -to copy the first stanza from the blackboard, where she had written -it, and try to illustrate the verse by drawings in the same way a -story is illustrated. - -In a short while one little girl handed up her paper with several -little dots between two lines, a circle, half a dozen dots, and three -buckets. - -"I do not quite understand this, Mamie," said the teacher, kindly. -"What is that circle?" - -"Oh, that's the well," Mamie replied. - -"And why do you have three buckets?" again asked the teacher. - -"One," answered the child, "is the oaken bucket, one is the iron-bound -bucket, and the other is the moss-covered bucket that hung in the -well." - -"But, Mamie, what are all these little dots for?" - -"Why those are the spots which my infancy knew," earnestly replied -Mamie. - - * * * * * - -Four gentlemen went out to dine. They were Arthur Balfour, Joseph -Chamberlain, Lord Charles Beresford, and the Japanese Minister. Mr. -Arthur Balfour was standing treat and said to Joey, "What will you -take?" "Oh, thanks, I'll take Scotch, Arthur." "And what will you -take, Lord Charles?" "Oh, thanks, I'll take Irish, Arthur." "And now, -what will you take?" addressing the Japanese Minister. "I'll take Port -Arthur, thanks." - - * * * * * - -Not long after the great Chelsea fire some children in Newton, -Massachusetts, held a Charity Fair by which eighteen dollars were -realized. This they forwarded to the rector of a certain Boston -church who had taken a prominent part in the relief work, with a -letter which read somewhat as follows: - -"We have had a fair and made eighteen dollars. We are sending it to -you. Please give it to the Chelsea sufferers. - - "Yours truly, etc. - - "P. S. We hope the suffering is not all over." - - * * * * * - -A story is told of a certain committee meeting in which the -proceedings commenced with noise and gradually became uproarious. At -last one of the disputants, losing all control over his emotions, -exclaimed to his opponent: "Sir, you are, I think, the biggest ass -that I ever had the misfortune to set eyes upon!" "Order! order!" said -the chairman, gravely; "you seem to forget that I am in the room." - - * * * * * - -An Irish priest had labored hard with one of his flock to induce him -to give up whisky. "I tell you, Michael," said the priest, "whisky is -your worst enemy, and you should keep as far away from it as you can." -"The enemy is it, father?" responded Michael, "and it was your -riverence's self that was telling us in the pulpit last Sunday to love -our enemies." "So I was, Michael," rejoined the priest, "but I didn't -tell you to swallow them." - - * * * * * - -A Sabbath-school worker was visiting a Sabbath-school some distance -from home. Being called upon to address the school, he commenced by -asking, "Who can tell me something about Peter?" (the lesson was about -Peter that day). Having received no answer from either large or small -pupils, he again made the request. This time a little girl put up her -hand. He called the little girl to him and placed her upon a chair. -After complimenting her on her bravery and brightness, he asked her to -tell him all she knew about Peter. In return came the following: - - "Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater, - Had a wife and couldn't keep her; - Put her in a pumpkin shell - Where he kept her very well." - - * * * * * - -Senator Beveridge, in recommending broad and generous views to the -graduating class of a medical school, told this story: - -"I once saw two famous physicians introduced at a reception. They were -deservedly famous, but they were of opposing schools; and the regular, -as he shook the other by the hand, said loudly: - -"'I am glad to meet you as a gentleman, sir, though I can't admit that -you are a physician.' - -"'And I,' said the homeopathist, smiling faintly, 'am glad to meet you -as a physician, though I can't admit you are a gentleman.'" - - * * * * * - -At a recent dinner in London the conversation turned to the subject of -lynching in the United States. It was the general opinion that a large -percentage of Americans met death at the end of a rope. Finally the -hostess turned to an American, who had taken no part in the -conversation, and said: - -"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs." - -"Yes," he replied, "we take a kind of municipal pride in seeing which -city can show the greatest number of lynchings yearly." - -"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself," broke in -half a dozen voices at once. - -"The night before I sailed for England," said Eugene Field, "I was -giving a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when a -colored waiter spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at an -adjoining table. The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen of her -party at once seized the waiter, tied a rope around his neck, and at a -signal from the injured lady swung him into the air." - -"Horrible," said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you actually see -this yourself?" - -"Well, no," admitted the American apologetically. "Just at that moment -I happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in -the blanc mange." - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Jones recently spent a few days at a farm, and in a moment of -originality bought some poultry from the farmer with a view to their -providing fresh eggs for breakfast every morning. She sent them to -town per the local carrier, despatching a note at the same time to her -husband telling him to look out for the consignment. When Jones -reached home from his office he inquired if the poultry had arrived. -The servant told him they had, but the man had carelessly put them in -the back yard, leaving the door open, and they had all escaped. -Thereupon a fowl hunt was immediately organized. The next day Jones -saw the carrier. "Nice trick you played me yesterday," said he; "spent -three hours hunting those fowls and only found ten." "Then think -yourself blessed lucky," replied the man. "I only brought six." - - * * * * * - -A patronizing young lord was seated opposite the late James McNeill -Whistler at dinner one evening. During a lull in the conversation he -adjusted his monocle and leaned forward toward the artist. - -"Aw, y' know, Mr. Whistler," he drawled, "I pahssed your house this -mawning." - -"Thank you," said Whistler quietly. "Thank you very much." - - * * * * * - -The new minister in a Georgia church was delivering his first sermon. -The darky janitor was a critical listener from a back corner of the -church. The minister's sermon was eloquent, and his prayers seemed to -cover the whole category of human wants. - -After the services one of the deacons asked the old darky what he -thought of the new minister. "Don't you think he offers up a good -prayer, Joe?" - -"Ah mos' suhtainly does, boss. Why, dat man axed de good Lord fo' -things dat de odder preacher didn't even know He had!" - - * * * * * - -For weeks the kindergarten had been deluged with nature verses, and -the process of absorption was far advanced. Sufficiently to admit of -a little squeezing with results, thought the teacher. - -"Now, children," she said, "I want you each to bring in a little verse -that you have made yourselves about the buds, or the trees, or the -flowers, or anything that pleases you." - -Various specimens were produced next day, but the gem of the -collection was little May Flynn's. With appropriate gestures she -recited: - - "See the pretty gold fish swimming in the globe! - See the pretty robin singing in the tree! - Who teached these two to fly together? - Who stucked the fur upon their breasts? - 'Twas God. 'Twas God. He done it." - - * * * * * - -A story about King Edward is worth repeating. Just before the illness -which caused the postponement of the coronation, he was racing down -one of the country roads in his motor-car at a speed which was away -beyond the legal limit. - -"Hi! Hi!" called a policeman. "Stop there, in the name of the law!" - -His Majesty is said to have slackened speed and called out: "But I'm -the king!" - -"Jest you come aht o' that," was the reply; "yer the third king wot's -come along this morning." - - * * * * * - -In order to play "Rosemary" some years ago, John Drew shaved off his -mustache, thereby greatly changing his appearance. Shortly afterward -he met Max Beerbohm in the lobby of a London theater, but could not -just then recall who the latter was. Mr. Beerbohm's memory was better. - -"Oh, Mr. Drew," he said, "I'm afraid you don't know me without your -mustache." - - * * * * * - -A truly eloquent parson had been preaching for an hour or so on the -immortality of the soul. - -"I looked at the mountains," he declaimed, "and could not help -thinking, 'Beautiful as you are, you will be destroyed, while my soul -will not.' I gazed upon the ocean and cried, 'Mighty as you are you -will eventually dry up, but not I.'" - - * * * * * - -"Now if I don't git rid o' dis cold soon," complained Jimmy, the -jockey, "I'll be a dead one." - -"Did you go to Dr. Goodman, as I told you?" asked his friend. - -"Naw! De sign on his door said '10 to 1' an' I wouldn't monkey wid no -long shot like dat." - - * * * * * - -Herbert S. Stone, the publisher, described at a dinner in Washington -the amusing methods of a newspaper writer who used to write articles -at a set rate a column. - -He was once commissioned to do a serial story for a Chicago paper. The -story, as it proceeded from week to week, was interesting, but it -contained many passages like the following: - -"Did you hear him?" - -"I did." - -"Truly?" - -"Truly." - -"Where?" - -"By the well." - -"When?" - -"To-day." - -"Then he lives?" - -"He does." - -"Ah." - -The editor, sending for the man, said: - -"Hereafter we will pay you by the letters in your serial. We will pay -you so much a thousand letters." - -The young man, looking crestfallen, went away, but in the very next -instalment of his story he introduced a character who stuttered, and -all through the chapter were scattered passages like this: - -"B-b-b-b-believe me, s-s-s-sir, I am n-n-not g-g-g-guilty. M-m-m-my -m-m-m-mother c-c-c-committed this c-c-c-crime." - - * * * * * - -A man with a soft, low voice had just completed his purchases in a -department store of the City of Churches. - -"What is the name?" asked the clerk. - -"Jepson," replied the man. - -"Chipson?" - -"No, Jepson." - -"Oh, yes, Jefferson." - -"No, Jepson; J-e-p-s-o-n." - -"Jepson?" - -"That's it. You have it. Sixteen eighty-two--" - -"Your first name, initial, please." - -"Oh, K." - -"O. K. Jepson." - -"Excuse me, it isn't O. K. You did not understand me. I said 'Oh.'" - -"O. Jepson." - -"No; rub out the O and let the K stand." - -The clerk looked annoyed. "Will you please give me your initials -again?" - -"I said K." - -"I beg your pardon, you said O. K. Perhaps you had better write it -yourself." - -"I said 'Oh'--" - -"Just now you said K." - -"Allow me to finish what I started to say. I said 'Oh,' because I did -not understand what you were asking me. I did not mean that it was my -initial. My name is Kirby Jepson." - -"Oh!" - -"No, not O., but K.," said the man. "Give me the pencil, and I'll -write it down for you myself. There, I guess it's O. K. now." - - * * * * * - -The furnishing of the new house had gone on vociferously. All the -family told stories of the beautiful and rare articles picked up at -auctions, usually at such bargains as only amateurs in such matters -are able to find. There was naturally much curiosity to see how the -house looked. The first visitor who had the opportunity to inspect it -was eagerly questioned by her friends. - -"I can't describe it myself," she explained. "All I can say is that -auctions speak louder than words." - - * * * * * - -When Frank R. Stockton started out with his Rudder Grange experiences -he undertook to keep chickens. One old motherly Plymouth Rock brought -out a brood late in the fall, and Stockton named each of the chicks -after some literary friend, among the rest Mary Mapes Dodge. Mrs. -Dodge was visiting the farm some time later, and, happening to think -of her namesake, she said: "By the way, Frank, how does little Mary -Mapes Dodge get along?" "The funny thing about little Mary Mapes -Dodge," said he, "is, she turns out to be Thomas Bailey Aldrich." - - * * * * * - -A short time ago a lady with an only child (aged seven) was -entertaining the bishop of the diocese to afternoon tea. The small -girl was allowed to come to tea, but her mother had instilled into her -mind the necessity of speaking reverently to the bishop. Tea came and -with it the pangs of hunger, but at the same time her mother's -warning, "speak reverently," was always before her. After sitting for -about ten minutes gazing at the good things and repeating over and -over again, "speak reverently," she exclaimed, "For God's sake pass me -the bread and butter." - - * * * * * - -Hiram Hardscrabble and his load of hay, two horses, and a perfectly -good wagon were pitched so high and so far by a reckless railroad -train that when they came down they weren't--any of 'em--good for -much. The local Congressman took the case, and after some months -advised Hiram to accept the railroad company's offer of lifelong -employment at $15 a week. Hiram accepted. They put him out as a -flagman on a crossing near his native village. - -Cassidy, the section boss, stopped his handcar before the flag-shanty, -and after a searching look at Hiram advised as follows: - -"So you're the new flagman, are ye? And ye've niver railroaded before. -No harm. We'll make a man iv ye. See, now, there's yer red flag and -yer green flag and yer white flag, and yer thrain schedule within on -the wall. All ye have to do is dhrop the gates befoor the thrains do -come, so that they'll have a clear thrack. D'ye mind, now? - -"But there's wan thing above all others--th' Impire Shtate Express! -Putt yer gates down two minyits before she comes and keep them down -till she's pasht. Mind now, she must niver be late on this section. -Niver wan minyit late. I won't sthand f'r it. Remimber--th' Impire -Shtate Express. She must niver be late here." - -Hiram promised. At 2 P.M., when the Empire State Express was due in -two minutes, he dropped the crossing gates and stood by with the white -flag to wave her along. Three minutes passed, four, five--and still no -train. As a matter of fact, she had lost half an hour at an open draw -on the Harlem River in the morning, and was laboring mightily to -regain lost time in spite of her fast schedule. - -Seven minutes late, and then Hiram heard a wild shriek a mile away and -saw the express coming. He darted into the shanty, grabbed a red flag, -and leaped out upon the track, waving it furiously. The engineer shut -off, threw over the reverse lever, gave her sand and the air; and the -mighty train stopped short, in a whirl of sand, cinders, and sparks, -brakes creaking and passengers pitchpoling everywhere. - -"What's the matter now?" roared the engineer, thrusting half his body -out of the cab and glaring down at Hiram. - -"Be yeou th' ingineer?" asked the flagman, peering at him with -suspicion. - -"Yes, yes! Whad-do-you want?" - -"I want t' know whut's made ye so goldinged late? Cassidy says he -wun't stand f'r it." - - * * * * * - -During a match at St. Andrews, Scotland, a rustic was struck in the -eye accidentally by a golf ball. Running up to his assailant, he -yelled: - -"This'll cost ye five pounds--five pounds!" - -"But I called out 'fore' as loudly as I could," explained the golfer. - -"Did ye, sir?" replied the troubled one, much appeased. "Weel, I didna -hear; I'll take fower." - - * * * * * - -Mark Twain observed once at a public dinner that he had written a -friendly letter to Queen Victoria protesting against a tax being -levied in England on his head, on the ground that it was a gas-works. -"I don't know you," he wrote, "but I've met your son. He was at the -head of a procession in the Strand, and I was on a 'bus." Years -afterward he met the King at Homburg, and they had a long talk. At -parting the King said: "I am glad to have met you again." That last -word troubled Mark, who asked whether the King had not mistaken him -for some one else. The reply--"Why, don't you remember meeting me in -the Strand when I was at the head of a procession and you were on a -'bus?" revealed the strength of Royal memories. - - * * * * * - -An Irishman and an Englishman were recounting feats of physical -prowess. The Englishman, by way of showing his strength, said that he -was accustomed to swim across the Thames three times before breakfast -every morning. - -"Well," said the Irishman, "that may be all right, but it do seem to -me that your clothes would be on the wrong side of the river all the -time." - - * * * * * - -An excess luggage porter at a large railway station said to a -"commercial," "I see your luggage is overweight, sir." "Ah! your -visionary powers are far too acute for me, my friend." "What did you -say, sir?" "I say you can see too well for me." "Ah! to be sure, sir. -I take you----" "Could you see as well now if you had sixpence over -one eye?" "Well, I don't know, sir, but I'm darned well sure I -couldn't see at all if I'd another over t'other one." - - * * * * * - -Henry James, the American novelist, lives at Rye, one of the Cinque -Ports, but recently he left Rye for a time and took a house in the -country near the estate of a millionaire jam manufacturer, retired. -This man, having married an earl's daughter, was ashamed of the trade -whereby he had piled up his fortune. - -The jam manufacturer one day wrote Mr. James an impudent letter, -vowing that it was outrageous the way the James servants were -trespassing on his grounds. Mr. James wrote back: - -"_Dear Sir_: I am very sorry to hear that my servants have been -poaching on your preserves. - -"P.S.--You'll excuse my mentioning your preserves, won't you?" - - * * * * * - -An Omaha man was taking an automobile trip through the ranching -section of the State, and to save time took a short cut over a bad -stretch of road, full of jolts and bumps. During the afternoon his -machine broke down, and, as the monkey wrench was missing from his -tool kit, he started on foot for the nearest ranch house to borrow -one. On arriving he found the farmer repairing his fence. - -"Have you a monkey wrench about here that I can use?" he asked. - -"Ay tank not," replied the farmer. "Yonson in nax saction ha kape -cattle ranch, Svenson down har ha kape sheep ranch. Faller bane big -fool to make monkey ranch in dese place." - - * * * * * - -Andrew Carnegie is fond of the Scots' national instrument, the -bagpipe, and when he is at home at Skibo Castle usually has his pet -piper to play for him at dinner. Particularly is the musician in -attendance when the great philanthropist has guests. - -On one occasion a big company of men sat down to table, and the piper -pranced up and down the room as he played. - -The whole thing was new to a French literary man, who politely asked -the guest on his right, "Why does he walk up and down when he does -this thing? Does it add to the volume of the sound, or does it make a -cadence?" - -"No," said the other, "I don't think it's that. I fancy it's to -prevent the listeners getting his range with a knife or a water -bottle." - - * * * * * - -Some time ago Professor Brander Matthews went to dine at a certain -dramatic club in New York. Going to the club letter box he picked up -and perused a letter which seemed to be addressed to him. It was a -request from a tailor for the settlement of his little bill. As the -man's name was quite strange to him he made a careful examination, and -finding that he had been mistaken, put the missive back into its -place. Immediately afterward he saw the real owner take possession of -it, walk into the reading-room, read it carefully, and tear it into -shreds. Then, assured of an audience, the man whose clothes were still -unpaid for, assumed the weary smile of an accomplished ladykiller and -remarked audibly, "Poor, silly, little girl!" - - * * * * * - -A street-car "masher" tried in every way to attract the attention of -the pretty young girl opposite him. Just as he had about given up, the -girl, entirely unconscious of what had been going on, happened to -glance in his direction. The "masher" immediately took fresh courage. - -"It's cold out to-day, isn't it?" he ventured. - -The girl smiled and nodded assent, but had nothing to say. - -"My name is Specknoodle," he volunteered. - -"Oh, I am so sorry," she said sympathetically, as she left the car. - - * * * * * - -A Jew crossing the Brooklyn Bridge met a friend who said, "Abe, I'll -bet you ten dollars that I can tell you exactly what you're thinking -about." - -"Vell," agreed Abe, producing a greasy bill, "I'll haf to take dot -bet. Put up your money." - -The friend produced two fives. "Abe," he said, "you are thinking of -going over to Brooklyn, buying a small stock of goods, renting a small -store, taking out all the fire-insurance that you can possibly get, -and then burning out. Do I win my bet?" - -"Vell," replied Abe, "you don't egsactly vin, but the idea is worth de -money. Take id." - - * * * * * - -Andrew Carnegie tells a good story illustrating the canniness of the -Scot. - -An Irish friend had insisted that a Scotchman should stay at his -house, instead of at a hotel, and kept him there for a month, playing -the host in detail, even to treating him to sundry visits to the -theater, paying the cab fares and the rest. When the visitor was -returning home, the Irishman saw him to the station, and they went -together to have a last cigar. - -"Now, look here," said the Scot, "I'll hae nae mair o' this. Here -ye've been keepin' me at your hoose for a month, an' payin' for a' the -amusements and cabs and so on--I tell you I'll stan' nae mair o' it! -We'll just hae a toss for this one!" - - * * * * * - -"Uncle Joe" Cannon has a way of speaking his mind that is sometimes -embarrassing to others. On one occasion an inexperienced young fellow -was called upon to make a speech at a banquet at which Speaker Cannon -was also present. - -"Gentlemen," began the young fellow, "my opinion is that the -generality of mankind in general is disposed to take advantage of the -generality of ----" - -"Sit down, son," interrupted "Uncle Joe." "You are coming out of the -same hole you went in at." - - * * * * * - -It is a well-established fact that the average school-teacher -experiences a great deal of difficulty when she attempts to enforce -the clear pronunciation of the terminal "g" of each present -participle. - -"Robert," said the teacher of one of the lower classes during the -progress of a reading exercise, "please read the first sentence." - -A diminutive lad rose to his feet and, amid a series of labored gasps, -breathed forth the following: - -"See the horse runnin'." - -"Don't forget the 'g,' Robert," admonished the teacher. - -"Gee! See the horse runnin'." - - * * * * * - -Miss Jeannette Gilder was one of the ardent enthusiasts at the debut -of Tetrazzini. After the first act she rushed to the back of the -house to greet one of her friends. "Don't you think she is a wonder?" -she asked excitedly. - -"She is a great singer unquestionably," responded her more phlegmatic -friend, "but the registers of her voice are not so even as, for -instance, Melba's." - -"Oh, bother Melba," said Miss Gilder. "Tetrazzini gives infinitely -more heat from her registers." - - * * * * * - -Walter Damrosch tells of a matron in Chicago who, in company with her -young nephew, was attending a musical entertainment. - -The selections were apparently entirely unfamiliar to the youth; but -when the "Wedding March" of Mendelssohn was begun he began to evince -more interest. - -"That sounds familiar," he said. "I'm not strong on these classical -pieces, but that's a good one. What is it?" - -"That," gravely explained the matron, "is the 'Maiden's Prayer.'" - - * * * * * - -A messenger came tearing up to the White House in '63, and hurriedly -gaining admission to Mr. Lincoln, informed him in great excitement -that a large wagon train had been surprised a short way across the -Potomac and a brigadier-general taken prisoner. - -"Did they capture the train?" inquired Old Abe. - -"No, sir, the regiment came up and saved it," answered the messenger, -"but the general, Mr. President, is a prisoner." - -"Oh, never mind that," said Lincoln. "I can make a dozen generals in a -day, but mules cost $300 apiece." - - * * * * * - -Two men were riding together one day through Paris. One was -exceedingly bright and clever, while the other was correspondingly -dull. As is usually the case, the latter monopolized the conversation. -The talk of the dullard had become almost unendurable, when his -companion saw a man on the street far ahead yawning. - -"Look," he exclaimed, "we are overheard!" - - * * * * * - -One afternoon Mrs. Murphy appeared at the settlement house, all -dressed up in her best bonnet and shawl. A huge black and blue spot -disfigured one side of her face, however, and one eye was nearly -closed. "Why, Mrs. Murphy, what is the matter?" cried one of the -teachers; and then, realizing that she might have asked a tactless -question, she hastily turned it off, by saying, "Well, cheer up, you -might be worse off." "Sure an' I might," responded the indignant Mrs. -Murphy. "I might not be married at all!" - - * * * * * - -A young woman in Central Park overheard an old negress call to a -piccaninny: "Come heah, Exy, Exy!" - -"Excuse me, but that's a queer name for a baby, aunty?" - -"Dat ain't her full name," explained the old woman with pride; "dat's -jes' de pet name I calls for short. Dat chile got a mighty grand name. -Her ma picked it out in a medicine book--yessum, de child's full name -is Eczema." - - * * * * * - -Sir Richard Bethell, afterward Lord Westbury, with a suave voice and a -stately manner, nevertheless had a way of bearing down the foe with -almost savage wit. Once, in court, he had to follow a barrister who -had delivered his remarks in very loud tones. "Now that the noise in -court has subsided," murmured Bethell, "I will tell your Honor in two -sentences the gist of the case." - - * * * * * - -The resemblance of the Rev. Robert Collyer to Henry Ward Beecher was -often remarked. One day, when walking through Central Park, hat in -hand, as the day was hot, at a sharp turn in the path he came upon an -old lady seated on one of the park benches. At sight of him she jumped -to her feet, exclaiming: - -"Goodness me! This is not Mr. Beecher?" - -"No, madam," Dr. Collyer answered, "it is not. I hope Mr. Beecher is -in a cooler place." - - * * * * * - -It is not necessary that a lawyer should be eloquent to win verdicts, -but he must have the tact which turns an apparent defeat to his own -advantage. One of the most successful of verdict winners was Sir James -Scarlett. His skill in turning a failure into a success was wonderful. -In a breach-of-promise case the defendant, Scarlett's client, was -alleged to have been cajoled into an engagement by the plaintiff's -mother. She was a witness in behalf of her daughter, and completely -baffled Scarlett, who cross-examined her. But in his argument he -exhibited his tact by this happy stroke of advocacy: "You saw, -gentlemen of the jury, that I was but a child in her hands. What must -my client have been?" - - * * * * * - -He was a young man--a candidate for an agricultural constituency--and -he was sketching in glowing colors to an audience of rural voters the -happy life the laborer would lead under an administration for the -propagation of sweetness and light. "We have not yet three acres and a -cow, but it will come. Old-age pensions are still of the future, but -they will come." Similarly every item of his comprehensive program was -endorsed by the same parrot cry. Then he went on to talk of prison -reforms. "I have not yet personally," he said, "been inside a criminal -lunatic asylum." Then there was a voice from the back of the hall, -"But it will come." - - * * * * * - -The judge had had his patience sorely tried by lawyers who wished to -talk and by men who wished to evade jury service. - -"Shudge!" cried a little German in the jury box. - -"What is it?" demanded the judge. - -"I t'ink I like to go home to my wife," said the German. - -"You can't," retorted the judge. "Sit down." - -"But, shudge," persisted the German, "I don't t'ink I make a good -shuror." - -"You're the best in the box," said the judge. "Sit down." - -"What box?" said the German. - -"Jury box," said the judge. - -"But, shudge," persisted the little German, "I don't speak good -English." - -"You don't have to speak any at all," said the judge. "Sit down." - -The little German pointed at the lawyers to make his last desperate -plea. - -"Shudge," he said, "I don't make noddings of what these fellers say." - -It was the judge's chance to get even for many annoyances. - -"Neither can any one else," he said. "Sit down." - - * * * * * - -A parson, diminutive in size and his head covered with hair of the -most fiery hue, officiated one Sunday for a friend in a colliery -village near Nottingham. The old-fashioned pulpit had a high desk over -which the parson's red head was hardly visible. This was too much for -a burly collier seated immediately under the pulpit, who when he heard -the text, "I am the Light of the World," exclaimed to the clerk, "Push -him up a bit higher, mate; don't let him burn in the socket." - - * * * * * - -"Biddy," said Pat timidly, "did ye iver think o' marryin'?"' - -"Shure, now," said Biddy, looking demurely at her shoe--"shure, now, -the subject has niver entered me mind at all, at all." - -"It's sorry Oi am," said Pat, and he turned away. - -"Wan minute, Pat," said Biddy softly. "Ye've set me thinkin'." - - * * * * * - -From a French journal comes this little anecdote of a tutor and his -royal pupil. - -The lesson was in Roman history, and the prince was unprepared. - -"We come now to the Emperor Caligula. What do you know about him, -prince?" - -The question was followed by a silence that was becoming awkward when -it was broken by the diplomatic tutor. "Your highness is right," he -said, "perfectly right. The less said about this emperor the better." - - * * * * * - -The following copies of queer advertisements have been collected and -printed by club women: - -"Bulldog for sale; will eat anything; is very fond of children." - -"Lost--Near Highgate Archway, an umbrella belonging to a gentleman -with a bent rib and a bone handle." - -"Mr. Brown, furrier, begs to announce that he will make up gowns, -capes and so forth, for ladies out of their own skin." - -"Wanted, a herder for 500 sheep that can speak Spanish fluently." - -"For Sale--House in good neighborhood, by an invalid lady three -stories high and heated with furnace." - -A contemporary contains the startling news that "A carload of brick -came in for a walk through the park." - - * * * * * - -An error for which nervousness may have been responsible was that made -by the boy who was told to take the Bishop's shaving water to him one -morning and cautioned to answer the Bishop's inquiry "Who's there?" by -saying, "The boy, my Lord." Whether from nervousness or not, the boy -managed to transpose the words of this sentence with ludicrous effect, -and the Bishop was surprised and perhaps alarmed to hear in response -to his inquiry the answer, "The Lord, my boy." - - * * * * * - -Tailor--"Do you want padded shoulders, my little man?" - -Willie--"Naw; pad de pants! Dat's where I need it most." - - * * * * * - -Dr. Tupper does not hesitate to take examples from his own profession, -as witness his curious story of the young clergyman who, after -preaching a funeral sermon, wished to invite the mourners to view the -remains, but became confused and exclaimed: - -"We will now pass around the bier." - - * * * * * - -"Wossatchoogot?" - -"Afnoonnoos. Lassdition." - -"Enthinkinnut?" - -"Naw. Nothninnut 'cept lasspeechrosefelt's. Lottarot." - -"Donsayso? Wosswetherpredickshun?" - -"Sesrain. Donbleevetho. Funthingthiswethernevkintellwossgunnado." - -"Thasright!" - - * * * * * - -President Eliot of Harvard recently visited a hotel in New York, and -when he left the dining-room the colored man in charge of the hats -picked up his tile without hesitation and handed it to him. - -"How did you know that was my hat when you have a hundred there?" -asked Mr. Eliot. - -"I didn't know it, sah," said the negro. - -"Didn't know it was mine? Then why did you give it to me?" - -"Because you gave it to me, sah." - - * * * * * - -"How small have you felt?" she asked anxiously. - -"Well," he replied, "I have felt as small as a man in the presence of -the head plumber." - -"That isn't enough." - -"I have felt as small as the Prohibition nominee for Vice-President." - -She shook her head. - -"Or as a man when his wife catches him in a lie." - -"That isn't anything." - -"I have felt as small as the man who made a righteous complaint to the -president of a trolley line." - -She shook her head again sadly. - -"That isn't anything to the way I feel," she said. "You know I have -never been to Europe, and I've been talking with a girl who has just -returned." - - * * * * * - -In one of the Atlanta Sunday-schools recently the lesson for the day -had to do with Mammon and the corrupting influences of great riches. - -Toward the close of the exercises the superintendent called upon the -infant class to repeat the Golden Text, which had special reference to -man's inability to serve his Creator and the money-god at one and the -same time. The class failed to respond as it should, when the -superintendent, noticing his own young hopeful in the ranks, who had -that very morning been drilled thoroughly on the text, called on him. -The response was immediate, though a slight departure from the -original, for in a voice that was distinctly heard in all parts of the -room there came the following modification: - -"Ye can not serve God and mama!" - - * * * * * - -"Any complaints, corporal?" said the colonel, making one morning a -personal inspection. - -"Yes, sir. Taste that, sir," said the corporal promptly. - -The colonel put the liquid to his lips. "Why," he said, "that's the -best soup I ever tasted!" - -"Yes, sir," said the corporal, "and the cook wants to call it coffee." - - * * * * * - -Reporter--"To what do you attribute your great age?" - -Oldest Inhabitant--"I hain't sure yet, sir. There be several o' them -patent-medicine companies as is bargainin' with me." - - * * * * * - -Mr. Choate, ex-Ambassador of the United States at London, tells of the -address made by an Irish officer to his men who had just returned from -a fruitless expedition. - -Rising to his feet with the utmost solemnity and seriousness, the -officer said: - -"My men, I am fully aware of the fact that many of you brave fellows -are disappointed because in this campaign you were afforded little -opportunity to fight; but, my brave boys, reflect upon this: that had -there been any fighting, there would have been many absent faces here -to-day!" - - * * * * * - -"Young man (23) with five years' experience in leading publishers, -desires to better his position." - -But what better position could there be than that of leading our -publishers? - - * * * * * - -From Children's Chat, by "Grandma" in the "Times" of Natal: - -"I want you, my dears, to write me a short snake story, something that -really happened to some one you know; and if you can tell me of a -child being really bitten I shall be glad to hear about it." - -Truly it is said that a child's best friend is his grandma. - - * * * * * - -Wandering over Salisbury Plain on Whit Monday, a correspondent came -across a large stone inscribed: "Turn me over." After much difficulty -he succeeded in turning it over, and found on the under side of the -stone the words: "Now turn me back again, so that I can catch some -other idiot." - - * * * * * - -He--"Dearest, if I had known this tunnel was so long, I'd have given -you a jolly hug." - -She--"Didn't you? Why--why--" - - * * * * * - -Timid Lady (going up the Washington Monument elevator).--"Conductor, -what if the rope breaks that holds us?" - -Conductor--"Oh, there are a number more attached as safety ropes." - -Timid Lady--"But if they all break, where shall we go?" - -Conductor--"Oh, well, m'm, that all depends upon what kind of a life -you have been living before." - - * * * * * - -Elmer, though only a little boy, was the oldest child of an already -numerous family. He was invited to go in and see a little baby sister. -Asked by his mother what he thought of the baby, he said, "W'y, mama, -it's real nice. But do you think we needed it?" - - * * * * * - -Time: 2 A.M. - -"Ma, I want a drink!" - -"Hush, darling; turn over and go to sleep." - -"I want a drink!" - -"No, you are restless. Turn over, dear, and go to sleep." - -(After five minutes.) "Ma, I want a drink." - -"Lie still, Ethel, and go to sleep." - -"But I want a drink!" - -"No, you don't want a drink; you had a drink just before you went to -bed. Now be still and go right to sleep." - -(After five minutes.) "Ma, won't you please give me a drink?" - -"If you say another word I'll get up and spank you. Now go to sleep. -You are a naughty girl." - -(After two minutes.) "Ma, when you get up to spank me will you give me -a drink?" - - * * * * * - -Once upon a time there was a young married man who had some slight -bickerings with the woman of his choice. These having occurred with -great frequency, he went to his father, who was older and much more -married. - -"Father," he said, "is it not meet that I should be the ringmaster in -my own wickiup? Or must I kowtow to the old lady?" - -Whereat the old man smiled wisely and said: - -"My son, yonder are a hundred chickens and here a fine team of horses. -Do you place the feathered tribe on this wagon, hitch up the team, and -start out. Wherever you find a man and his wife living together, make -diligent investigation to find out who the commanding officer is, and -where it is the woman give her a chicken. If you find a man running a -house give him one of the horses." - -So the young man loaded up the fowls and started out upon his -pilgrimage of self-education. And when he had but seven chickens -left, he approached a habitation with his forlorn inquiry, to which -the man replied: - -"I'm the ace-high cockalorum of this outfit." - -And the wife, without fear or favor, corroborated the statement. Then -the young man said: - -"Take your choice of the horses. Either one you fancy is yours." And -after the man had walked around the team several times and looked in -their mouths, he said, "Well, I'll take the bay." - -Now, the wife didn't like bay horses, and she called John aside, and -after whispering in his ear she allowed him to return. - -"I guess I'll take the black horse," he said. - -"Not a bit of it," said the pilgrim. "You'll take a chicken." - - * * * * * - -They were talking over the engagement of one of the daughters of the -family when the negro servant came in. One of the girls asked: "Cindy, -have you seen Edith's fiance?" "No'm, honey, hit ain't been in de wash -yit." - - * * * * * - -In the late financial stringency a clerk in one of the New York banks -was trying to explain to a stolid old Dutchman why the bank could not -pay cash to depositors as formerly, and was insisting that he be -satisfied with Clearing House checks. But the old man could not grasp -the situation, and finally the president of the bank was called upon -to enlighten the dissatisfied customer. After a detailed explanation -of the financial situation the president concluded, "Now, my good -man, you understand, don't you?" - -"Yes," dubiously replied the Dutchman, "I tinks I understand. It's -just like this; ven my baby vakes up in der night und cries for milk, -I give her a milk ticket." - - * * * * * - -Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famous -specialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in the -waiting-room. - -After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and -whispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain't -he?" - -"One of the best," the gentleman told him. - -Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something. - -"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, then, -ain't he? Vat does he charge?" - -The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered rather -shortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-five -dollars for each visit thereafter." - -"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky. "Fifty tollars the first time und -twenty-five tollars each time afterwards!" - -For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. "Und -twenty-five tollars each time afterward," he kept muttering. Finally, -just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliant -inspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands. - -"Hello, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I am again." - - * * * * * - -A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continental -winter resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on the parable of -the unjust steward. "What is a steward?" he asked. A little boy who -had arrived from England a few days before held up his hand. "He is a -man, sir," he replied, "who brings you a basin." - - * * * * * - -A teacher giving a lecture on the rhinoceros found his class was not -giving him all the attention it should. "Now, gentlemen," he said, "if -you want to realize the true hideous nature of this animal you must -keep your eyes fixed on me." - - * * * * * - -A negro had made several ineffectual efforts to propose to the object -of his affections, but on each occasion his courage failed him at the -last moment. After thinking the matter over he finally decided to -telephone, which he did. "Is that you, Samantha?" he inquired upon -being given the proper number. "Yes, it's me," returned the lady. -"Will you marry me, Samantha, and marry me quick?" "Yes, I will," was -the reply; "who's speaking?" - - * * * * * - -He was a big, black, good-hearted, old negro, stranded near Boston, -and he had decided, after considerable "cogitation," to work his way -back to, the South, where he would feel more at home. In Boston, in -Springfield, in Hartford, in New Haven, it was always the same. When -he rang a bell and asked for work and a bite to eat the answer -usually was, "I'm very sorry, but there's not a thing to be done here -to-day." There were occasional exceptions, of course, or uncle could -never have got on, but the thing most to be counted upon was pleasing -politeness coupled with nothing else. - -At last the old man left New York and then Philadelphia behind, and -one day found himself in Baltimore. His knowledge of geography was -_nil_, but he thought he ought soon to be getting into "de Souf," and -with that hope at heart rang the bell of a fine house on Charles -Street. The door was opened by the host himself, who, after an -instant's survey of the figure before him, blurted out: - -"Why, yo' ---- black rascal! How dare yo' ring this bell? Get off mah -steps this secon', befo' I brek yo' haid!" - -"'Deed I will, boss; 'deed I will," came the hurried answer. "I wuz -on'y lookin' fer a bite to eat, boss." - -"A bite to eat!" repeated the other. "An' don't yo' know whar to go -for all yo' want? Get yo'self round back, an' they'll feed yo' -full--but cyart yo' good-for-nuthin' black carcass off these steps, I -say." - -And as uncle went around to the side door he raised his hands to -heaven, and with tears of rejoicing running down his furrowed cheeks, -said: - -"Bress de Lord! I's back agin among mah own folks!" - - * * * * * - -A little boy who had just joined Sunday-school was asked by his mother -how he liked it. - -"Why!" exclaimed Charlie disgustedly, "they don't know much. The -teacher asked what was the collec', and I was the only one who knew." - -"And what did you say, dear?" - -"Why, I told them pretty quick that it was a pain in the stomach." - - * * * * * - -Travelers' tales which often add charm to the conversation of an -agreeable person frequently render a bore more tiresome than ever, a -fact that was amusingly illustrated by an occurrence in a Baltimore -clubhouse not long ago. - -"There I stood, gentlemen," the long-winded narrator was saying, -after droning on for an hour with reference to his trip to -Switzerland--"there I stood, with the abyss yawning in front of me." - -"Pardon me," hastily interjected one of the unfortunate men who had -been obliged to listen to the story, "but was that abyss yawning -before you got there?" - - * * * * * - -After a lesson on digestion the teacher, anxious to know how much her -instruction had been understood, questioned the class. The first -answer was rather discouraging, as the girl called upon made this -startling statement: - -"Digestion begins in the mouth and ends in the big and little -testament." - -It was the same teacher who received the following note: - -"Pleas teacher do not tel Mary any more about her incides it makes her -so proud." - - * * * * * - -When Sam Jones was holding his meetings in Dallas, on one occasion he -said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who has -ever known a perfect man stand up." - -Nobody stood up. - -"Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up." - -One demure little woman stood up. - -"Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" asked Sam, somewhat -amazed. - -"I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman, "but I -have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife." - - * * * * * - -Former President Scott, of the Cincinnati Southern Railroad, was -greatly annoyed, when he first took hold of the road, by the claims -for horses and cattle killed by trains on their way through Kentucky. -It seemed as though it were not possible for a train to run north or -south through Kentucky without killing either a horse or a cow. And -every animal killed, however scrawny, scrubby, or miserable it may -have been before the accident, always figured in the claims -subsequently presented as of the best blood in Kentucky. "Well," said -Scott one day, after examining a claim, "I don't know anything that -improves stock in Kentucky like crossing it with a locomotive." - - * * * * * - -One of a loving couple (watching a pile-driver at work)--"Dear, I feel -so sorry for those poor men. They have been trying for the last half -hour to lift that thing out, and every time they get it almost to the -top, it falls back again." - - * * * * * - -Sentinel (on guard)--"Halt! Who comes there?" - -The Colonel--"Fool!" - -Sentinel--"Advance, fool, and give the countersign." - - * * * * * - -"Oh, I'm so sorry I could not come to your 'At Home' yesterday." - -"Dear me, weren't you there?" - -"Why of course I was--how very silly of me--I quite forgot." - - * * * * * - -A theological student was sent one Sunday to supply a vacant pulpit in -a Connecticut valley town. A few days after he received a copy of the -weekly paper of that place with the following item marked: - -"Rev. ---- of the senior class at Yale Seminary supplied the pulpit at -the Congregational Church last Sunday, and the church will now be -closed three weeks for repairs." - - * * * * * - -A Certain Ohio lady with a large sense of religious duty was recently -importuned by a tramp. The good religionist, after considerable -hesitation, produced a piece of dry bread which she delivered with the -following formula, evidently prepared for such occasion: - -"Now, sir, not for your sake, nor for my sake, but for God's sake, I -give you this bread." - -The tramp accepted the offering and had got as far as the gate when he -suddenly turned and came back where his benefactress was waiting to -see him safely out. - -"Say, miss," he drawled, "not for your sake, nor for my sake, but for -God's sake put some butter on it." - - * * * * * - -"Mother, mother, mother, turn the hose on me!" sang little Willie, as -his mama was dressing him one morning. - -"What do you mean?" she asked. - -"You've put my stockin's on wrong side out," he said. - - * * * * * - -The will of Stephen Girard provided that no clergyman should ever be -allowed to enter the splendid Girard College at Philadelphia. - -One day a very clerical looking man, with immaculate white cravat and -choker, approached the entrance. - -"You can't come in here," said the janitor. - -"The ---- I can't!" said the stranger. - -"Oh," said the janitor, "excuse me. Step right in." - -It is said that the visitor was the late State Senator Sessions, of -Western New York. - - * * * * * - -The following anecdote of ex-President Roosevelt's youth is told: - -When Roosevelt was a student at Harvard he was required to recite a -poem in public declamation. He got as far as a line which read: - -"When Greece her knees in suppliance bent," when he stuck there. - -Again he tried: - -"When Greece her knees...," but could get no farther. - -The teacher waited patiently, finally remarking: - -"Grease her knees again, Roosevelt, then perhaps she'll go." - - * * * * * - -A Young graduate in law, who had had some experience in New York City, -wrote to a prominent practitioner in Arkansas to inquire what chance -there was in that section for such a one as he described himself to -be. He said: "I am a Republican in politics, and an honest young -lawyer." The reply that came seemed encouraging in its interest: "If -you are a Republican the game laws here will protect you, and if you -are an honest lawyer you will have no competition." - - * * * * * - -Brown--"Ah! they've just dropped the anchor." - -Mrs. B.--"And served 'em right! It's been dangling outside all the -morning!" - - * * * * * - -As the immaculate young woman and the tired but happy-looking young -man entered the Pullman, followed by a grinning porter, the other -passengers became "wise" in a moment. The stout drummer leaned over to -the man behind him and remarked: - -"Bride and groom--100 to 1." - -Every one turned to view the newcomers, who had deposited themselves -vis-a-vis in No. 4. As if unconscious of any scrutiny, the young man -said, in a high, nasal voice: - -"Well, do as you like about it; either increase the margin or let it -go. You didn't follow my advice in the first place, but if you want to -pull out, you'd better do it now." - -"Oh, I know," the woman replied. "What's the use of going all over it -again?" - -"Huh!" said the stout man's companion. "Guess you lose. Been playing -the market. Not much bride and groom talk in that." - -The rest of the passengers sniffed and then turned their backs on the -new couple. Whereat the young man smiled at the young woman, and they -softly joined hands as he whispered: - -"Millicent, dear, my shoes are full of rice." - - * * * * * - -A Short time ago an old lady went on board Nelson's flag-ship, the -_Victory_. The different objects of interest were duly shown her, and -on reaching the spot where the great naval hero was wounded (which is -marked by a raised brass plate), the officer remarked: "Here Nelson -fell." "And no wonder!" exclaimed the old lady; "I nearly fell there -myself." - - * * * * * - -A Good Samaritan, passing an apartment-house in the small hours of the -morning, noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway. - -"What's the matter?" he asked. "Drunk?" - -"Yep." - -"Do you live in this house?" - -"Yep." - -"Do you want me to help you upstairs?" - -"Yep." - -With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping figure -up the stairway to the second floor. - -"What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?" - -"Yep." - -Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for a -companion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door he -came to and pushed the limp figure in. - -The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was passing -through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of -another man, apparently in worse condition than the first one. - -"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?" - -"Yep," was the feeble reply. - -"Do you live in this house, too?" - -"Yep." - -"Shall I help you upstairs?" - -"Yep." - -Stopping on the second floor, where this man also said he lived, he -opened the door and pushed him in. As he again reached the front door -he discerned the shadow of a third man, evidently worse off than -either of the other two. He was about to approach him when the object -of his solicitude lurched out into the street and threw himself into -the arms of a passing policeman. "For Heaven's sake, off'cer," he -gasped, "protect me from that man. He's done nothin' all night long -but carry me upstairs 'n' throw me down th' elevator shaf'." - - * * * * * - -Husband comes in to find his wife turning everything topsy-turvy. - -"Good gracious! Isabel, what are you doing?" - -"I just received a telegram from Aunt Jane saying she'll be here at -6.30 and I can't find her photograph anywhere." - - * * * * * - -At the school at which the writer was educated there was a certain -assistant master who invariably "put his foot in it" when he got the -chance. On one occasion, being exasperated by the conduct of a boy, he -turned to him and said, "Look here, X., I'll take care that you won't -be the biggest fool in the class as long as I'm here." - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Barron was one of the new "summer folk," and not acquainted with -the vernacular. Consequently, she was somewhat surprised, upon sending -an order for a roast of lamb to the nearest butcher, to receive the -following note in reply: "Dear Mam. I am sorry I have not killed -myself this week, but I can get you a leg off my brother (the butcher -at the farther end of the town). He's full up of what you want. I seen -him last night with five legs. Yours respectful. George Gunton." - - * * * * * - -An artist employed in repairing the properties of an old church in -Belgium, being refused payment in a lump sum, was asked for details, -and sent in his bill as follows:- - - 1. Corrected the Ten Commandments, L1 10 0 - - 2. Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a ribbon in - his bonnet, 0 8 1 - - 3. Put a New Tail on the Rooster of St. Peter - and mended his Comb, 0 12 0 - - 4. Re-plumed and Gilded the Left Wing of the - Guardian Angel, 0 15 6 - - 5. Washed the Servant of the High Priest and - put carmine on his cheek, 0 1 0 - - 6. Renewed Heaven, adjusted two Stars, and - cleaned the Moon, 1 16 0 - - 7. Re-animated the Flames of Purgatory and restored - Souls, 6 7 0 - - 8. Revived the Flames of Hell, put a New Tail - on the Devil, mended his left hoof, and did - several jobs for the damned, 1 16 6 - - 9. Re-bordering the Robe of Herod and re-adjusting - his Wig, 0 17 3 - - 10. Put new Spotted Dashes on the Son of Tobias - and dressing on his sack 0 7 6 - - 11. Cleaned the Ears of Balaam's Ass and shod - him, 0 9 0 - - 12. Put Earrings in the Ears of Sarah, 0 9 2 - - 13. Put a New Stone in David's Sling, enlarged - the Head of Goliath, and extended his Legs, 0 8 8 - - 14. Decorated Noah's Ark, 0 17 6 - - 15. Mended the Shirt of the Prodigal Son and - cleaned his ears, 0 15 3 - - --_P. Sylvester, Summerfield, Warham_ -------- - _Road, Croydon._ L17 10 5 - - * * * * * - -Shortly after two o'clock one bitter winter morning a physician drove -four miles in answer to a telephone call. On his arrival the man who -had summoned him said: - -"Doctor, I ain't in any particular pain, but somehow or other I've got -a feeling that death is nigh." - -The doctor felt the man's pulse and listened to his heart. - -"Have you made your will?" - -The man turned pale. - -"Why, no, doctor, at my age--oh, Doc, it ain't true is it? It can't be -true!" - -"Who's your lawyer?" - -"Higginbotham." - -"Well, you'd better send for him at once." - -The patient, white and trembling, went to the 'phone. - -"Who's your pastor?" continued the doctor. - -"The Rev. Kellogg M. Brown," mumbled the patient. "But, doctor, do you -think--" - -"Send for him immediately. Your father, too, should be summoned; also -your--" - -"Say, doctor, do you really think I'm going to die?" The man began to -blubber softly. - -The doctor looked at him hard. - -"No, I don't," he replied grimly. "There's nothing at all the matter -with you. But I'd hate to be the only man you've made a fool of on a -night like this." - - * * * * * - -Dr. L. E. Wilson, a wealthy young Baltimore physician, was awakened -one stormy night by a man who declared the doctor's services were -wanted three miles out in the country. Just before the doctor called -up the stable for his horse, the visitor asked what the charge would -be. "Three dollars," was the reply. When the house containing the -supposed patient was reached, the man alighted first, and, handing the -doctor three dollars, remarked: "That will be all, doctor. I couldn't -find a hackman who would do it for less than six dollars." - - * * * * * - -A certain prosy preacher recently gave an endless discourse on the -prophets. First he dwelt at length on the minor prophets. At last he -finished them, and the congregation gave a sigh of relief. He took a -long breath and continued: "Now I shall proceed to the major -prophets." - -After the major prophets had received more than ample attention the -congregation gave another sigh of relief. - -"Now that I have finished with the minor prophets and the major -prophets, what about Jeremiah? Where is Jeremiah's place?" - -At this point a tall man arose in the back of the church. "Jeremiah -can have my place," he said; "I'm going home." - - * * * * * - -Any one who has traveled on the New York subway in rush hours can -easily appreciate the following: - -A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought of -pickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some money -in his overcoat. He plunged his hand into his pocket and was somewhat -shocked upon encountering the fist of a fat fellow-passenger. - -"Aha" snorted the latter. "I caught you that time!" - -"Leggo!" snarled the little man. "Leggo my hand!" - -"Pickpocket!" hissed the fat man. - -"Scoundrel!" retorted the little one. - -Just then a tall man in their vicinity glanced up from his paper. - -"I'd like to get off here," he drawled, "if you fellows don't mind -taking your hands out of my pocket." - - * * * * * - -Aunt Mahaly, an old negress with a worthless husband, was relating her -troubles to her minister. The usual condolences were offered by the -latter and remedies suggested, but at each one Aunt Mahaly shook a -doubting head--she had tried them all without avail. - -The minister sighed and pondered, and at last had an inspiration. He -leaned to Aunt Mahaly, who brightened visibly. - -"Sis' Mahaly," he said, "hab you eber tried heapin' coals er fire on -his haid?" - -The gleam of hope faded from Aunt Mahaly's face. - -"No, Bre'r Jackson, I ain't never done dat, but I's tried po'in' hot -water ovuh him." - - * * * * * - -A barber in South Bend, having been out late the night before, had a -shaky hand the next morning and cut a patron's cheek four times. After -each accident the barber said, as he sponged away the blood: "Oh, dear -me, how careless!" - -The patron took all these gashes in grave silence. But when the shave -was over he filled a glass at the water-cooler, took a mouthful of -water, and, with compressed lips, proceeded to shake his head from -side to side. - -"What is the matter?" the barber asked. "You ain't got the toothache, -have you?" - -"No," said the customer; "I only wanted to see if my mouth would still -hold water without leaking." - - * * * * * - -At one of the lectures by Professor George Kirchwey, dean of Columbia -Law College, New York, the students were uneasy. There was something -wrong in the air. Books were dropped, chairs were pushed along the -floor. There were various interruptions. The nerves of all were on -edge. The members of the class kept their eyes on the clock and -awaited the conclusion of the hour of the lecture. The clock beat -Professor Kirchwey by perhaps a minute, but at the expiration of the -schedule time the students started to their feet and prepared to -leave. "Wait a minute," objected Professor Kirchwey; "don't go just -yet. I have a few more pearls to cast." - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Flint _always_ demanded instant and unquestioning obedience from -her children. One afternoon a storm came up and she sent her son John -to close the trapdoor leading to the roof. - -"But mother--" said John. - -"John, I told you to shut the trapdoor." - -"Yes, but, Mother--" - -"John, shut that trapdoor." - -"All right, Mother, if you say so, but--" - -"John!" - -John slowly climbed the stairs and shut the trapdoor. The storm howled -and raged. Two hours later the family gathered for tea. When the meal -was half over Aunt Mary had not appeared, and Mrs. Flint started an -investigation. She did not have to ask many questions; John answered -the first one: - -"Please, Mother, she is up on the roof." - - * * * * * - -An absent-minded scientist, in the employ of the government at -Washington, recently met his physician in the street. - -"I don't know what's the matter with me, Doctor," said the man of -science. "I am limping badly to-day. Do you think it's locomotor -ataxia?" - -"Scarcely that," replied the physician. "You are walking with one foot -on the curb and the other in the gutter." - - * * * * * - -One Sunday John Wanamaker visited the Sunday-school classes in which -he was greatly interested, and after talking the lesson over told the -pupils he would try to answer any questions the boys or girls wanted -to ask him. - -One little girl raised her hand, and spoke out timidly: "Will you -please tell me, Mr. Wanamaker, how much those large French dolls are -that you have in your show-window?" - - * * * * * - -Judge--"Have you been arrested before?" - -Prisoner--"No, sir." - -Judge--"Have you been in this court before?" - -Prisoner--"No, sir." - -Judge--"Are you certain?" - -Prisoner--"I am, sir." - -Judge--"But your face looks decidedly familiar. Where have I seen it -before?" - -Prisoner--"I'm the bartender in the saloon across the way, sir." - - * * * * * - -Henry Guy Carleton, wit, journalist, and playwright, has an impediment -in his speech about which he is not in the least sensitive. Meeting -Nat Goodwin one day he asked: - -"G-g-goodwin, c-c-an you g-g-give m-m-me f-f-fifteen m-m-minutes?" - -"Certainly," replied the comedian, "what is it?" - -"I w-w-want to have f-f-five m-m-minutes' c-c-conversation with you." - - * * * * * - -A German pedler rapped timidly at the kitchen entrance. Mrs. Kelly, -angry at being interrupted in her washing, flung open the door and -glowered at him. - -"Did yez wish to see me?" she demanded in threatening tones. - -The pedler backed off a few steps. - -"Vell, if I did," he assured her with an apologetic grin, "I got my -vish, thank you." - - * * * * * - -A lady from South America possessed of a decidedly quick temper came -to New York with a very incomplete knowledge of the English language. -At her hotel she rang for the chambermaid. But a waiter came instead. -Having ascertained that the name of the chambermaid was Susan, the -lady marshaled her meager knowledge of English in a desperate effort -to make the waiter understand that he should call the chambermaid. -What she said to him, however, was: - -"Call me Susan!" - -The waiter leaned against the wall much alarmed. - -"Call me Susan!" shouted the South American. - -The waiter became appalled. - -"Call me Susan!" roared the lady, her eyes flashing furiously. - -"Susan, then--if you will have it!" exclaimed the poor waiter. Then he -fled precipitately. - - * * * * * - -"Please, mum," began the aged hero in appealing tones, as he stood at -the kitchen-door on washday, "I've lost my leg--" - -"Well, I ain't got it," snapped the woman, slamming the door. - - * * * * * - -In the absence of the regularly appointed spokesman, Mr. Makinbrakes -had reluctantly consented to make a presentation speech. - -"Miss Higham," he said, "unfortunately it is my--er--fortunate lot to -fulfill the embarrassing--the pleasant duty of--of inflicting a few -remarks upon this occasion--which is highly appreciated, I assure you, -and by none more so than myself, for the reason that--in short, as I -may say, it falls to my lot to convey, so to speak, the assurances -of--that is, with the assurances of those to whom--to whom I have -occasion to refer to--more or less--in this connection, together with -the best wishes, if I may so express myself, of those who have clubbed -together--who have associated themselves--not that you need anything -of the kind, of course, but as a token of--as a token of--of--with -which few remarks, Miss Higham, it is my--my pleasant surprise to hand -you this gold watch and chain. I--I thank you." - - * * * * * - -The reputed affinity between the Southern negro and unguarded poultry -is the subject of a story told by Senator Bacon, of Georgia. An old -colored man, notorious for his evil ways, after attending a revival -meeting, desired to lead a better life. At a later meeting he was -called up to be questioned. - -"Well, Rastus," said the revivalist, "I hope you are now trying to -live a Christian life in accordance with the rules of the Church. Have -you been stealing any chickens lately?" - -"No, sah! I ain't stole no chicken ob late." - -"Any turkeys or pigs?" - -Rastus, grieved, replied: "No, sah!" - -"I am very glad to hear that you have been doing better lately," -replied the evangelist. "Continue to lead a holy and Christian life, -Rastus." - -After the meeting was over, Rastus drew a long breath of relief, and -turning to his wife exclaimed: - -"Mandy, if he'd said ducks I'd been a lost nigger, suah!" - - * * * * * - -The late Moses Coit Tyler, so long Professor of History in Cornell, -was at one time a popular professor in the University of Michigan. One -raw February morning as he was calling the roll of an 8 o'clock class -in English, he called "Mr. Robbins," and receiving no answer called -again: "Mr. Robbins?" Still no reply. "Ah," said Professor Tyler, -looking around upon the class in his inimitable manner, "it is rather -early for robins." - - * * * * * - -He--"Isn't dinner ready yet?" - -She--"No, dear. I got it according to the time you set the clock when -you came in last night, and dinner will be ready in four hours." - - * * * * * - -A foreigner, meeting an American friend, said to him, "How are you?" -The latter replied, "Out of sight." - -The man considered this very clever, and decided to use the expression -on the next occasion. Shortly after he was met by a friend, who asked, -"How are you?" With visible pride he answered, "You don't see me." - - * * * * * - -There is a clerk in the employ of a Philadelphia business man who, -while a fair worker, is yet an individual of pronounced eccentricity. - -One day a wire basket fell off the top of the clerk's desk and -scratched his cheek. Not having any court plaster at hand, he slapped -on three two-cent postage stamps and continued his work. - -A few minutes later he had occasion to take some papers to his -employer's private office. When he entered, the "old man" observing -the postage stamps on his cheek fixed him with an astonished stare. -"Look here, Jenkins!" he exclaimed. "You are carrying too much postage -for second-class matter!" - - * * * * * - -"I suppose," said the facetious stranger, watching a workman spread a -carpet from the church door to the curb, "that's the high road to -heaven you're fixing there?" - -"No," replied the man; "this is merely a bridal path." - - * * * * * - -"I hope my little Tommy has taken to heart mama's talk of last night -about charity and usefulness," said a fond mother. "How many acts of -kindness has he done? How many hearts has my Tommy made grateful and -glad?" - -Her Tommy replied: - -"I've done a lot of good, ma; I gave your new hat to a beggar woman, -and I gave the cook's shoes to a little girl in busted rubbers what I -seen on the street, and I gave a poor, lame shoe-string seller pa's -black suit, the open front one that he hardly ever wears." - - * * * * * - -Charles Francis Adams was escorting a literary friend about Boston. -They were viewing the different objects of attraction and finally came -to Bunker Hill. They stood looking at the splendid monument when -Adams remarked: "This is the place, sir, where Warren fell." - -"Ah!" replied the Englishman, evidently not very familiar with -American history. "Was he seriously hurt by his fall?" - -Mr. Adams looked at his friend. "Hurt!" said he. "He was killed, sir." - -"Ah, indeed," the Englishman replied, still eying the monument and -commencing to compute its height in his own mind. "Well, I should -think he might have been--falling so far." - - * * * * * - -"Darling," said his bride, "I had a terrible feeling of sadness come -over me this afternoon--a sort of feeling that you were doing -something that would break my heart if I knew of it. Think, sweet, -what were you doing this afternoon at four o'clock?" - -"Dearest," replied her husband, tenderly and reassuringly, "at that -hour I was licking stamps and pasting them on envelopes." - - * * * * * - -A few years ago a dear old lady, who formerly lived in Ipswich, and -was a relative of the poet Whittier, had occasion to go on a journey -which necessitated a night's ride in a sleeping car. Being subject to -attacks of acute indigestion, she took the precaution to place a few -leaves of the commercial mustard plaster in her hand bag. - -During the night, pains, either real or imaginary, warned her of -trouble and prevented sleep. Deciding upon the application of a -plaster, she reached in the dark for the hand bag, and, having -secured it, proceeded to put one of the leaves where it would do the -most good, and immediately felt comforted and enjoyed a refreshing -sleep until morning. - -Upon removing the plaster, what was her astonishment to find that it -was a $10 bank note that had brought such speedy relief. - - * * * * * - -Beerbohm Tree was once endeavoring to get a well-known actor back into -his company. He invited the man to call and received him in his -dressing room as he was making-up. "How much would you want to come -back to me?" inquired Mr. Tree, busy with his paint pots. The other -named an exorbitant salary to which Tree merely retorted as he went on -making up: "Don't slam the door when you go out, will you?" - - * * * * * - -"Oh, mama," she cried, rushing into her mother's room, and flinging -her arms around her mother's neck, "He loves me! He loves me!" - -"My dear child, I'm so glad! Has he told you? Has he asked you to be -his wife?" - -"No, but he's down in the library learning to play chess with papa." - - * * * * * - -"If I had only known that this pleasure was in store for me," said the -doctor, as he shook hands cordially with his wife's cousins, "I should -certainly have arranged my business so as to be home earlier." - -"Why, pa," piped up little Tommy, "don't you remember that ma told -you they were coming, and you said, 'Oh, the devil!'" - - * * * * * - -A minister of a fashionable church had always left the greeting of -strangers to be attended to by the ushers until he read some newspaper -articles in reference to the matter. - -"Suppose a representative should visit our church," said his wife. -"Wouldn't it be awful?" - -"It would," the minister admitted. - -The following Sunday evening he noticed a plainly dressed woman in one -of the free pews. She sat alone and was clearly not a member of the -flock. After the benediction the minister hastened and intercepted her -at the door. - -"How do you do?" he said, offering his hand. "I am very glad to have -you with us." - -"Thank you," replied the young woman. - -"I hope we may see you often in our church home," he went on. "We are -always glad to welcome new faces." - -"Yes, sir." - -"Do you live in this parish?" he asked. - -The girl looked blank. - -"If you will give me your address my wife and I will call on you some -evening." - -"You wouldn't need to go far, sir," said the young woman. "I'm your -cook." - - * * * * * - -The mission-workers on the East Side frequently see the humorous as -well as the sadder side of life. A man prominent in reform work in -New York City recounts the experience of a certain young woman, new to -the task, who set about posting herself as to conditions in a -neighborhood near Avenue A. - -The ambitious missionary had entered the house of an Irishwoman, and -had made some preliminary inquiries, when she was suddenly interrupted -by the woman, who said: - -"Say, youse is fresh at dis business, ain't youse?" - -The amateur in mission work blushingly admitted such to be the case, -adding, "I have never visited you before, Mrs. Muldoon." - -"Thin," explained the Irishwoman, "I tell ye what to do. Ye sit down -in that chair there, ye read me a short psalm, ye gives me fifty -cints, an' thin ye goes." - - * * * * * - -The following conversation was overheard during a hunting trip in -Scotland: - -Fitz--"I say, are all your beaters out of the wood?" - -Keeper--"Yes, sir." - -Fitz--"Are you sure?" - -Keeper--"Yes, sir." - -Fitz--"Have you counted them?" - -Keeper--"No, sir; but I know they're all right." - -Fitz--"Then I've shot a deer!" - - * * * * * - -Joe--"I love you; I love you. Won't you be my wife?" - -Jess--"You must see mama first." - -Joe--"I have seen her several times, but I love you just the same." - - * * * * * - -Long after the victories of Washington over the French and English had -made his name familiar to all Europe, Benjamin Franklin chanced to -dine with the English and French Ambassadors, when the following -toasts were drunk: - -"'England'--The Sun, whose bright beams enlighten and fructify the -remotest corners of the earth." - -The French Ambassador, filled with national pride, but too polite to -dispute the previous toast, offered the following: - -"'France'--The Moon, whose mild, steady and cheering rays are the -delight of all nations, consoling them in darkness and making their -dreariness beautiful." - -Doctor Franklin then arose, and, with his usual dignified simplicity, -said: - -"'George Washington'--The Joshua who commanded the Sun and Moon to -stand still, and they obeyed him." - - * * * * * - -The following appeal of a Western editor is still going the rounds, -although it is to be hoped that by this time the writer's only trouble -is in having his vest made large enough: - -"We see by an esteemed contemporary that a young lady in Chicago is so -particular that she kneads bread with her gloves on. What of that? The -editor of this paper needs bread with his coat on; he needs bread with -his trousers on; in fact he needs bread with all of his clothes on. -And if some of his debtors don't pay up pretty quick he'll need bread -without anything at all on, and this Western climate is no Garden of -Eden." - - * * * * * - -The unconscious humors of country journalism, says William Allen -White, are often more amusing than the best efforts of the alleged -"funny man." - -According to Mr. White there once appeared in a Kansas paper the -following "personal notice": - -"Our prominent townsman Theodore Monkton is seriously ill. He is being -attended twice a day by Doctor Smith, in consultation with Doctor -Morgan. His recovery, therefore, is in great doubt." - - * * * * * - -A crowd of small boys were gathered about the entrance of a circus -tent in one of the small cities in New Hampshire one day, trying to -get a glimpse of the interior. A man standing near watched them for a -few moments, then walking up to the ticket-taker he said: - -"Let all these boys in, and count them as they pass." - -The man did as requested, and when the last one had gone, he turned -and said, "Twenty-eight." - -"Good!" said the man, "I guessed just right," and walked off. - - * * * * * - -The editor of a rural newspaper determined to adopt the idea of -posting bulletins on a bulletin board for all important events that -happened in the town. Soon afterward he was told one morning by the -local physician that Deacon Jones was seriously ill. The deacon was a -man of some distinction in the community, so the editor posted a -series of bulletins as follows: - -10 A. M.--Deacon Jones no better. - -11 A. M.--Deacon Jones has relapse. - -12.30 P. M.--Deacon Jones weaker. Pulse failing. - -1 P. M.--Deacon Jones has slight rally. - -2.15 P. M.--Deacon Jones's family has been summoned. - -3.10 P. M.--Deacon Jones has died and gone to heaven. - -Later in the afternoon a traveling salesman happened by, stopped to -read the bulletins, and going to the bulletin board, made another -report concerning the deceased. It was: - -4.10 P. M.--Great excitement in heaven. Deacon Jones has not yet -arrived. - - * * * * * - -A group of drummers were trading yarns on the subject of hospitality, -when one, a little Virginian with humorous eyes and a delightful -drawl, took up his parable thus: - -"I was down in Louisiana last month, travelin' 'cross country with a -friend, when we kinder got lost in a mighty lonesome sort of road just -about dark. We rode along a right good piece after sundown, and when -we saw a light ahead, I tell you it looked first-rate. We drove up to -the light, finding 'twas a house, and when I hollered like a lost calf -the man came out and we asked him to take us in for the night. He -looked at us mighty hard, then said: - -"'Wal, I reckon I kin stand it if you kin.' - -"So we went in and found 'twas only a two-room shanty, just swarmin' -with children. He had six, from four to eleven years old; as there -didn't seem to be but one bed, me an' Stony wondered what in thunder -would become of us. - -"They gave us supper, good hog and hominy, the best they had, and then -the old woman put the two youngest kids to bed. They went straight to -sleep. Then she took those out, laid them over in the corner, put the -next two to bed, and so on. - -"After all the children were asleep on the floor the old folk went in -the other room and told us we could go to bed if we wanted to, and -bein' powerful tired out, we did. - -"Well, sir, the next morning when we woke up we were lying over in the -corner with the kids, and the old man and the old woman had the bed." - - * * * * * - -"Waiter, what have you got?" said May Irwin in one of her plays. - -"Well, I've got pig's feet--" - -"Never mind telling me your troubles, I want to know what you've got -to eat?" - - * * * * * - -As every one knows, the great Von Moltke never wasted words and -despised anything that approached garrulity in others. German army -officers are fond of telling an anecdote illustrative of this -peculiarity: - -Von Moltke was leaving Berlin on a railway journey. Just before the -train pulled out of the station a captain of hussars entered the -general's compartment and, recognizing him, saluted with "Guten -Morgen, Excellenz!" - -Two hours later the train slowed up at a way station. The captain -arose, saluted, and with another "Guten Morgen, Excellenz!" left the -train. - -Turning to one of his companions, Von Moltke said, with an expression -of the greatest disgust, "Intolerable gas-bag!" - - * * * * * - -A gentleman gave a large dinner party in Dublin once and invited Mr. -O'Connor, one of the wittiest men in the Emerald Isle, to amuse and -divert his guests. Mr. O'Connor accepted the invitation with pleasure. -But from the beginning to the end of dinner he preserved a solemn and -serious face. The host thought this very strange, and just before -rising from the table remarked to him jestingly, "Why, O'Connor, old -fellow, I don't believe the biggest fool in Ireland could make you -laugh to-night." Whereupon his guest answered in a solemn tone, -speaking his first word that evening, "Try." - - * * * * * - -Governor Guild of Massachusetts, who served in the Spanish War, tells -a story of a New York regiment, many of whose members were recruited -on the East Side. They were spoiling for a fight, and it became -necessary to post a sentry to preserve order. - -A big husky Bowery recruit, of pugilistic propensities, was put on -guard outside, and given special orders to see that quiet reigned, and -above all things, if trouble came his way, not to lose possession of -his rifle. - -Soon a general row began, growing in proportions as the minutes -passed. The soldier walked his post nervously, without interrupting, -until the corporal of the guard appeared on the scene with -reenforcements. - -"Why didn't you stop this row?" shouted the corporal. - -The sentry, balancing his rifle on his shoulder, raised his arms to -the correct boxing position, and replied: - -"Sure, phwat could I do wid this gun in me hands!" - - * * * * * - -A New Jersey man recently reached the conclusion that his -eight-year-old boy is a trifle too bright. - -At dinner one evening the father had been entertaining a number of -friends from Philadelphia with a funny story. This was at dessert. The -youngster had been very quiet throughout the previous courses; but -here he arose to the occasion in fine style. - -When the laughter induced by his father's humor had ceased, the boy, -with a fine affectation of delight, said: - -"Now, dad, _do_ tell the other one!" - - * * * * * - -The June bride frowned. - -"These tomatoes," she said, "are just twice as dear as those across -the street. Why is it?" - -"Ah, ma'am, these"--and the grocer smiled--"these are hand-picked." - -She blushed. - -"Of course," she said, hastily; "I might have known. Give me a bushel, -please." - - * * * * * - -Mistress--"Jane, I saw the milkman kiss you this morning. In the -future I will take the milk in." - -Jane--"'Twouldn't be no use, mum. He's promised never to kiss anybody -but me." - - * * * * * - -Not long ago a man was charged with shooting a number of pigeons, the -property of a farmer. In giving his evidence the farmer was -exceedingly careful, even nervous, and the solicitor for the defense -endeavored to frighten him. "Now," he remarked, "are you prepared to -swear that this man shot your pigeons?" "I didn't say he did shoot -'em," was the reply. "I said I suspected him o' doing it." "Ah! now -we're coming to it. What made you suspect that man?" "Well, firstly, I -caught him on my land wi' a gun. Secondly, I heerd a gun go off an' -saw some pigeons fall. Thirdly, I found four o' my pigeons in his -pocket--an' I don't think them birds flew there and committed -suicide." - - * * * * * - -"Mama, can't I go up to the next block and play with the Jones boys?" -asked Henry, a boy of six, who was being brought up very carefully. - -"No, indeed!" answered his mother. "They are very bad boys." - -"Then can't I go over to see Mrs. Smith's little girls?" - -"No, Henry; I'm afraid to let you go." - -The little fellow left the room; later, he stuck his head inside with, -"Say, mama, I'm going over next door an' play with the dog." - - * * * * * - -The Right Reverend Chauncey B. Brewster, D.D., Bishop of Connecticut, -tells a story which he says is Mrs. Brewster's favorite. It seems the -Bishop had caught a small boy stealing apples in his orchard; so, -after reproving him severely for some time, he said, "And now, my boy, -do you know why I tell you all this? There is One before whom even I -am a crawling worm; do you know who?" - -"Sure," replied the boy, promptly; "the missus." - - * * * * * - -A Bishop was once traveling third-class on a branch line in -Devonshire, England. At one of the stations a countryman got in. After -gazing at the Bishop's attire in a puzzled manner for some time, he -ventured the remark, "Be you a curate, sir?" - -"Well," said the Bishop meditatively, "I was once." - -"A-ah," said the rustic, a comprehensive smile overspreading his face, -"the drink, I suppose?" - - * * * * * - -A celebrated parson preached a rather long sermon from the text "Thou -art weighed and found wanting." After the congregation had listened -about an hour, some began to get weary and went out; others soon -followed, greatly to the annoyance of the minister. Another person was -about to retire when the minister stopped his sermon and said: -"That's right, gentlemen; as fast as you are weighed, pass out." - - * * * * * - -"Here, hold my horse a minute, will you?" - -"Sir! I'm a Member of Congress!" - -"Never mind. You look honest. I'll take a chance." - - * * * * * - -A red-faced man was holding the attention of a little group with some -wonderful recitals. - -"The most exciting chase I ever had," he said, "happened a few years -ago in Russia. One night, when sleighing about ten miles from my -destination I discovered, to my intense horror, that I was being -followed by a pack of wolves. I fired blindly into the pack, killing -one of the brutes, and to my delight saw the others stop to devour it. -After doing this, however, they still came on. I kept on repeating the -dose, with the same result, and each occasion gave me an opportunity -to whip up my horse. Finally there was only one wolf left, yet on it -came, with its fierce eyes glowing in anticipation of a good, hot -supper." - -Here the man who had been sitting in the corner burst forth into a fit -of laughter. - -"Why, man," said he, "by your way of reckoning that last wolf must -have had the rest of the pack inside him!" - -"Ah!" said the red-faced man without a tremor, "now I remember, it did -wobble a bit." - - * * * * * - -Frederic Remington, the illustrator, fresh from a Western trip on -which he had been making studies of Indians and cowpunchers and things -outdoors, met an art editor who insisted upon dragging him up to an -exhibition of very impressionistic pictures. - -"You don't seem enthusiastic," remarked the editor as they were coming -out. "Didn't you like them?" - -Remington, remembering what he had been told as a boy, counted ten -before replying. Then: - -"Like 'em? Say! I've got two maiden aunts in New Rochelle that can -_knit_ better pictures than those!" - - * * * * * - -The wife of General S. was doing some shopping one morning recently -when, coming out of a store, she noticed a small country wagon draw up -to the curb. In it sat a woman whom the lady recognized as a former -servant in the family who had lost her husband some two or three years -before. The woman was clad in deep mourning which had an air of -newness about it. Mrs. S. hastened to greet the woman. "How is this, -Bridget. I hope you haven't met with any recent bereavement?" - -"No, mem, not so racent--it's for poor Mike. I allus said _when_ I -could I would--and so I _am_!" - - * * * * * - -Those who know a certain Southern Senator will picture his ample -proportions when they read this story: - -While journeying through the South, he was very much annoyed one day -at the delay in getting food served in a certain _cafe_. He had given -his order, and waited impatiently an unreasonable length of time, -when the waiter appeared and was evidently looking for some one who -must have gone out without waiting for his meal. - -When asked by the Senator whom he was looking for he replied. - -"A little boy who gave his order." - -The Senator replied: "I am that boy." - - * * * * * - -Jack's mother had been walking up and down the piazza with him -repeating Mother Goose. She began the "Solomon Grundy" one, going -through it rapidly without taking breath, ending laughingly: - - "Worse on Friday, - Died on Saturday, - Buried on Sunday, - And that was the end - Of Solomon Grundy." - -Jack took his thumb out of his mouth, looked reprovingly at his mother -and said: - -"Don't laugh, mama: that's _awful_." - - * * * * * - -"I'm a terror, I be," announced the new arrival in Frozen Dog to one -of the men behind the bar. - -"Be ye?" - -"Take three men to handle me, once I get started," he went on. - -"Oh, well," he remarked, as he arose painfully and dusted off his -clothes, "of course, if ye're short-handed, I suppose two kin do it on -a pinch." - - * * * * * - -David B. Hill, former Governor of and Senator from New York, has a -secluded hatter somewhere in the State who makes his high hats after -elaborate plans drawn by Mr. Hill many years ago, and not changed -since. - -One night Governor Odell, of New York, was giving a reception in -Albany, and President Roosevelt, then elected Vice-President, met Mr. -Hill on the steps of the New York Executive mansion. - -Roosevelt wore a black rough-rider hat and Hill had one of his -peculiar sky-pieces. - -"Senator," said Roosevelt, "you should wear a hat like this one that I -have on. They are much easier on the head, preserve the hair and are -altogether better than silk ones." - -Mr. Hill looked at the coming Vice-President. "My dear sir," he said, -"I haven't worn a hat like that since I went out of the show -business." - - * * * * * - -A negress was brought before a magistrate charged with cruelly -treating her child. Evidence was clear that she had severely beaten -the youngster, who was in court to exhibit his marks and bruises. -Before imposing sentence the magistrate asked the woman if she had -anything to say. "Kin Ah ask yo' honah a question?" His honor nodded. -"Well, yo' honah, I'd like to ask yo' whether yo' was ever the father -of a puffectly wuthless culled chile?" - - * * * * * - -A member of an eminent St. Louis law firm went to Chicago to consult a -client. When he arrived he found that he had unaccountably forgotten -the client's name. He telegraphed his partner, "What is our client's -name?" The answer read, "Brown, Walter E. Yours is Allen, William B." - - * * * * * - -A traveling man stopped at an Indiana hotel. The proprietor told him -he had not a room in the house. The man said he must have a room. -Finally the proprietor told him there was a room, a little room -separated by a thin partition from a nervous man who had lived in the -house for ten years. - -"He is so nervous," said the landlord, "I don't dare put any one in -that room. The least noise might give him a nervous spell that would -endanger his life." - -"Oh, give me a room," said the traveler. "I'll be so quiet he'll not -know I'm there." - -The room was given the traveler. He slipped in noiselessly and began -to disrobe. He took off one article of clothing after another as -quietly as a burglar. At last he came to his shoes. He unlaced a shoe -and dropped it. - -The shoe fell to the floor with a great noise. The offending traveler, -horrified at what he had done, waited to hear from the nervous man. -Not a sound. He took off the second shoe and placed it noiselessly -upon the floor; then in absolute silence finished undressing and -crawled between the sheets. - -Half an hour went by. He had dropped into a doze when there came a -tremendous knocking on the partition. - -The traveler sat up in bed trembling and dismayed. "Wh-wha-what's the -matter?" he asked. - -Then came the voice of the nervous man: - -"Hang you! Drop that other shoe, will you?" - - * * * * * - -There was once an Irishman, who sought employment as a diver, bringing -with him his native enthusiasm and a certain amount of experience. -Although he had never been beneath the water, he had crossed an ocean -of one variety and swallowed nearly an ocean of another. But he had -the Hibernian smile, which is convincing, and the firm chanced to need -a new man. And so on the following Monday morning Pat hid his smile -for the first time in a diving helmet. - -Now, the job upon which the crew to which Pat had attached himself was -working in comparatively shallow water, and Pat was provided with a -pick and told to use it on a ledge below in a manner with which he was -already familiar. - -Down he went with his pick, and for about fifteen minutes nothing was -heard from him. Then came a strong, determined, deliberate pull on the -signal rope, indicating that Pat had a very decided wish to come to -the top. The assistants pulled him hastily to the raft and removed his -helmet. - -"Take off the rest of it," said Pat. - -"Take off the rest of it?" - -"Yis," said Pat, "Oi'll worruk no longer in a dark place where Oi -can't spit on me hands." - - * * * * * - -On the first day that a young man began his duties as reporter on a -popular paper a report came from a near-by town that there was a -terrible fire raging. The editor of the paper immediately sent the -new reporter to the place, and, upon arriving there, he found that the -firemen were unable to get control of the fire, so he sent this -telegram to the editor: "Fire still raging. What shall I do?" The -editor was so mad that he wired back at once: "Find out where the fire -is the hottest and jump in." - - * * * * * - -"One day," related Denny to his friend Jerry, "when Oi had wandered -too far inland on me shore leave Oi suddenly found thot there was a -great big haythen, tin feet tall, chasin' me wid a knife as long as -yer ar-rm. Oi took to me heels an' for fifty miles along the road we -had it nip an' tuck. Thin Oi turned into the woods an' we run for one -hundhred an' twinty miles more, wid him gainin' on me steadily, owin' -to his knowledge of the counthry. Finally, just as Oi could feel his -hot breath burnin' on the back of me neck, we came to a big lake. Wid -one great leap Oi landed safe on the opposite shore, leavin' me -pursuer confounded and impotent wid rage." - -"Faith an' thot was no great jump," commented Jerry, "considerin' the -runnin' sthart ye had." - - * * * * * - -Quite recently an old friend of the Browns went to see them at their -new country home. As he approached the house a large dog ran out to -the gate and began barking at him through the fence. - -As he hesitated about opening the gate, Brown's wife came to the door -and exclaimed: "How do you do! Come right in. Don't mind the dog." - -"But won't he bite?" exclaimed the friend, not anxious to meet the -canine without some assurance of his personal safety. - -"That's just what I want to find out," exclaimed Mrs. Brown. "I just -bought him this morning." - - * * * * * - -The late Julian Ralph, one of the most gifted newspaper men of his -generation, while being shaved one day, was forced to listen to many -of the barber's anecdotes. - -Stopping to strop his razor, and prepared, with brush in hand to -recommence, he said, "Shall I go over it again?" - -"No, thanks," drawled Ralph, "It's hardly necessary. I think I can -remember every word." - - * * * * * - -The following is a typical Ian Maclaren story: - -"Who had this place last year?" asked a Southern shooting tenant of -his keeper. - -"Well," said Donald, "I'm not denyin' that he wass an Englishman, but -he wass a good man whatever. Oh, yess, he went to kirk and he shot -very well, but he wass narrow, very narrow." - -"Narrow," said the other in amazement, for he supposed he meant -bigoted, and the charge was generally the other way about. "What was -he narrow in?" - -"Well," said Donald, "I will be tellin' you, and it wass this way. The -twelfth [the beginning of the grouse shooting] wass a very good day, -and we had fifty-two brace. But it wass warm, oh! yess, very warm, and -when we came back to the Lodge, the gentleman will say to me, 'It is -warm.' and I will not be contradicting him. Then he will be saying, -'Maybe you are thirsty,' and I will not be contradicting him. -Afterwards he will take out his flask and be speaking about a dram. I -will not be contradicting him, but will just say, 'Toots, toots.' Then -he will be pouring it out, and when the glass wass maybe half-full I -will say, just for politeness, 'Stop.' And he stopped. Oh! yess, a -very narrow man." - - * * * * * - -Mark Twain as a humorist is no respecter of persons, and a story is -told of him and Bishop Doane which is worth repeating. It occurred -when Mark Twain was living in Hartford, where Mr. Doane was then -rector of an Episcopal church. Twain had listened to one of the -doctor's best sermons, on Sunday morning, when he approached him and -said politely: "I have enjoyed your sermon this morning. I welcomed it -as I would an old friend. I have a book in my library that contains -every word of it." "Impossible, sir," replied the rector, indignantly. -"Not at all. I assure you it is true," said Twain. "Then I shall -trouble you to send me that book," rejoined the rector with dignity. -The next morning Dr. Doane received, with Mark Twain's compliments, a -dictionary. - - * * * * * - -A friend of Mark Twain's tells of an amusing incident in connection -with the first meeting between the humorist and the late James McNeil -Whistler, the artist. - -The friend having facetiously warned Clemens that the painter was a -confirmed joker, Mark solemnly averred that he would get the better of -Whistler should the latter attempt "any funny business." Furthermore, -Twain determined to anticipate Whistler, if possible. - -So, when the two had been introduced, which event took place in -Whistler's studio, Clemens, assuming an air of hopeless stupidity, -approached a just-completed painting, and said: - -"Not at all bad, Mr. Whistler, not at all bad. Only," he added, -reflectively, with a motion as if to rub out a cloud effect, "if I -were you I'd do away with that cloud." - -"Great Heavens, sir!" exclaimed Whistler, almost beside himself. "Do -be careful not to touch that; the paint is not yet dry!" - -"Oh, I don't mind that," responded Twain, with an air of perfect -nonchalance; "I am wearing gloves." - - * * * * * - -This is a story of Italian revenge. A vender of plaster statuettes saw -a chance for a sale in a well-dressed, bibulous man who was tacking -down the street. - -"You buy-a de statuette?" he asked, alluringly holding out his -choicest offering. "Gar-r-ribaldi--I sell-a him verra cheep. De -gr-reat-a Gar-r-ribaldi--only thirta cents!" - -"Oh, t'ell with Garibaldi," said the bibulous one, making a swipe with -his arm that sent Garibaldi crashing to the sidewalk. - -For a moment the Italian regarded the fragments. Then, his eyes -flashing fire, he seized from his stock a statuette of George -Washington. "You t'ell-a with my Gar-r-ribaldi?" he hissed between his -teeth. "So." He raised the immortal George high above his head -and--crash! it flew into fragments alongside of the ill-fated -Garibaldi. "Ha! I to hell-a wid your George-a Wash! Ha, ha!" - - * * * * * - -Patrick arrived home much the worse for wear. One eye was closed, his -nose was broken, and his face looked as though it had been stung by -bees. - -"Glory be!" exclaimed his wife. - -"Thot Dutchman Schwartzheimer--'twas him," explained Patrick. - -"Shame on ye!" exploded his wife without sympathy. "A big shpalpeen -the loikes of you to get bate up by a little omadhoun of a Dootchman -the size of him! Why--" - -"Whist, Nora," said Patrick, "don't spake disrespectfully of the -dead!" - - * * * * * - -One day a teacher in a kindergarten school in New York, preparatory to -giving out an exercise said, "Now children I want you all to be very -quiet, so quiet that you could hear a pin drop." Everything had -quieted down nicely and the teacher was about to speak when a little -voice in the rear of the room said, "Go ahead, teacher, and let her -drop." - - * * * * * - -It appears that the late Senator John T. Morgan, who was quite -near-sighted, while at dessert one evening in a hotel at Hot Springs, -Virginia, experienced considerable difficulty in separating from the -plate passed him by the colored waiter what he thought was a chocolate -eclair. It stuck fast, so Senator Morgan pushed his fork quite under -it, and tried again and again to pry it up. - -Suddenly he became aware that his friends at the table were convulsed -with laughter, which much mystified him. But his surprise was even -greater when the waiter quietly remarked: - -"Pardon me, Senator, but that's my thumb!" - - * * * * * - -A doctor named Brown had been the adorer for many years of a Miss -White. Unluckily his ardent love was not reciprocated. He had a -reputation for ready wit and did not allow even his unfortunate love -affair to stand in the way of his exercising it. One night over a -glass of wine in the club the good doctor frequented a wag remarked, -"What do you say, doctor, to my giving the toast of Miss White, your -old flame?" "You may, and you'll not do any harm either to her or to -me by toasting her as often as you please, for I've toasted her all -these years and there are still no symptoms of her turning Brown." - - * * * * * - -Minister (who struggles to exist on $600 a year with wife and six -children)--"We are giving up meat as a little experiment, Mrs. -Dasher." - -Wealthy parishioner--"Oh, yes! One can live so well on fish, poultry, -game, and plenty of nourishing wines." - - * * * * * - -A woman who traveled a great deal in the West was known as the most -inveterate "kicker" a certain hotel had ever known. - -One evening after she had been served with dessert this lady, who was -always complaining, asked the waiter why the dish served her was -called "ice-cream pudding." - -"If you don't like it, ma'am, I'll bring you something else," -suggested the polite negro. - -"Oh, it's very nice," responded the lady. "What I object to is that it -should be called ice-cream pudding. It's wrongly named. There should -be ice cream served with it." - -"Yes, ma'am," replied the waiter, "but that's jest our name for it. -Lots o' dishes that way. Dey don't bring you a cottage with cottage -pudding, you know." - - * * * * * - -During a certain cruise the first mate of a ship got to drinking to -excess and was intoxicated for several days. One day, after having -come out of this state, he examined the log book to see what had -passed during his period of semi-forgetfulness. He was horrified to -find entered in the book for the three days consecutively, "The first -mate is drunk to-day." He did not want this to stand as it would -hardly be a good recommendation for him to the ship owners and asked -the captain to remove the entries. - -The captain replied, "It is the truth, is it not?" "Yes, but--" -replied the mate. The captain interrupted him, "If it is the truth, -the truth must stand. It is written in ink and can not be removed -without injuring the book." - -A short time afterward the captain was taken ill and remained so for a -week, and it devolved upon the mate to keep the log book. The captain -on recovering from his illness got the book to examine it to see how -the mate had done his duty. Imagine his consternation when he read in -each of the seven days' entries, "The captain is sober to-day." - -The captain immediately called the mate and indignantly questioned him -in regard to these entries. The mate replied, "It is the truth, is it -not?" "Yes, but--" replied the captain. The mate interrupted him, "If -it is the truth, the truth must stand, must it not? I have your word -that the writing in ink can not be erased." - - * * * * * - -"It was the first week of his honeymoon," said the hotel barber, "and -he came in and sat down near the door to wait his turn. I yelled -'Next' at him two or three times when my chair was vacant, but he was -dreaming and didn't hear me. Finally I touched him on the shoulder and -told him I was ready for him. - -"'What do you want me to do?' he asked. - -"'Why, get in the chair if you want anything,' I replied. 'This is a -barber shop.' - -"'Oh, yes,' he said, and then he got into the chair. He leaned back, -so I let the chair down and shaved him. He didn't have a word to say. -When I finished him up he got out of the chair and took the check over -to the cashier. He paid and started out. When halfway through the door -he stopped. - -"'Say,' he said to me, 'what did you do to me?' - -"'I shaved you,' I said. - -"'Darn the luck,' he replied, 'I wanted a haircut.'" - - * * * * * - -The little daughter of a homeopathic physician received a ring with a -pearl in it on the Christmas tree. Two days later she poked her head -tearfully in at the door of her father's office. - -"Papa," she sobbed, "Papa, I've lost the little pill out of my ring." - - * * * * * - -He was from Pittsburg, Pa., and was stopping at the Manhattan Hotel. -He wanted to telephone to a town about thirty miles away. He asked the -girl on the switchboard to get him long-distance, and followed it up -with asking the price. - -"It will cost you 50 cents for three minutes," she said sweetly. - -"Fifty cents! Ye gods!" cried the man. "I don't want to buy stock in -the telephone company. I only want to talk a minute or so. -Why--why--out in Pittsburg we can call up all Hades for 50 cents!" - -"Yes, I know, sir," replied the girl, "but isn't that within your city -limits?" - - * * * * * - -General St. Clair Mulholland, veteran and historian of the civil war, -tells an incident showing the utter worthlessness of Confederate paper -money at the close of the war. "Shortly after Lee's surrender," says -the General, "I was a short distance from Richmond. The Confederate -soldiers were going home to become men of peace again and were -thinking about their farms. One had a lame, broken-down horse which he -viewed with pride. 'Wish I had him, Jim,' said the other. 'What'll you -take for him? I'll give you $20,000 for him.' 'No,' said Jim. 'Give -you $50,000.' 'No,' said Jim. 'Give you $100,000,' his friend said. -'Not much,' replied Jim, 'I just gave $120,000 to have him shod.'" - - * * * * * - -The Magistrate--"You seem to have committed a very grave assault on -the defendant just because he differed from you in an argument." - -The Defendant--"There was no help for it, your worship. The man is a -perfect idiot." - -The Magistrate--"Well, you must pay a fine of 50 francs and costs, and -in future you should try and understand that idiots are human beings, -the same as you and I." - - * * * * * - -Sentimental Young Lady--"Ah Professor! what would this old oak say if -it could talk?" - -Professor--"It would say, 'I am an elm.'" - - * * * * * - -"You needn't begin jollying me," said the gruff man to the man who had -land to sell. "I'm not a man that can be affected by flattery. When -I--" - -"That's just what I said to my boss," interrupted the agent. "I told -him, when he suggested your name to me, that it was a relief to call -on a man who did not expect to be praised and flattered to his face -all the time. I tell you, Mr. Grump, this city has mighty few men such -as you. Nine men out of ten are simply dying to have some one tell -them how great they are, but you are above such weakness. Any one can -see that at a glance. I'm glad of it. It's helpful to me to meet a -man who rises superior to the petty tactics of the average solicitor. -It's a real and lasting benefit, and an instructive experience." - -Ten minutes later, after a few more such comments on the part of the -agent, the man who could not be flattered into signing the contract -was asking which line his name should be written upon. - - * * * * * - -Billy Martin, aged four, came to his mother and in great ecstasy -exclaimed, "Oh, mother! Louise and Carberry found such a nice dead -cat, and they are going to have a funeral, and can I go?" Permission -was given, and when Billy returned he was questioned as to the outcome -of the funeral. - -"They did not have it at all." - -"And why not?" - -"Mother," was the answer, "the cat was too dead." - - * * * * * - -The late H. C. Bunner when editor of "Puck," once received a letter -accompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the writer asked: -"What will you give me for these?" "Ten yards start," was Bunner's -generous offer, written beneath the query. - - * * * * * - -One day Riley was riding on top of a 'bus in London with his friend -Casey. He was nearly worn out with several hours' sight-seeing and the -bustle and excitement of the London street, the hoi polloi, the -Billingsgate and the din and rattle were becoming almost unbearable -when they came in sight of Westminster Abbey. Just as they did so, -the chimes burst forth in joyous melody, and he said to Casey, "Isn't -it sublime? Isn't it glorious to hear those chimes pealing and doesn't -it inspire one with renewed vigor?" Casey leaned over, with hand to -his ear, and said, "You'll have to speak a little louder, Riley; I -can't hear you." Riley continued, "Those magnificent chimes. Do you -not hear them pealing? Do they not imbue you with a feeling of almost -reverence? Do they not awaken tender memories of the past?" Casey -again leaned forward and said, "I can't hear you. You'll have to speak -louder." Riley got as close to him as possible and said, "Do you not -hear the melodious pealing of the chimes? Do they not recall the -salutation of old Trinity on a Sabbath morning? Do they not take you -back into the dim vistas of the past when the world was young, and -touch your heart with a feeling of pathos?" Casey put his mouth close -to Riley's ear and said, "Those d-- bells are making such a racket, -Riley, that I can't hear you." - - * * * * * - -Four grinning urchins sat on the street curb eulogizing ex-President -Roosevelt. - -"Say, dat guy Roosevelt 'll fight at de drop of de hat!" declared one -youngster. "I read dat durin' a talk at de White House one of de party -said somethin' the President wouldn' stan' for an' he leans over an -gets de guy's ear!" - - * * * * * - -"Have you ever had any experience in canvassing for subscription -books?" asked the man at the desk. - -"No, sir," said the applicant for a job, "but I can put up a good -talk." - -"Well, take a copy of this work and go and see if you can get an -order. I'll give you half a day to make the trial." - -The applicant went away. - -In an hour or two he returned. - -"What luck?" inquired the man at the desk. - -"I've got an order for this book in full morocco from your wife, sir." - -"You'll do, young man." - - * * * * * - -In Alabama they tell this story to illustrate Senator Morgan's ability -as an advocate. A negro of well-known thieving proclivities was on -trial for stealing a mule. Morgan defended and cleared him. As lawyer -and client were walking out of the courtroom Mr. Morgan said: "Rastus, -did you steal the mule?" "Well, Marse Morgan, it was jes like dis: I -really thought I did steal dat mule, but after what you said to the -jury I was convince' I didn't." - - * * * * * - -Uncle Walter, with his little niece Ruth in his lap, was about to -telephone a message to a distant city. While waiting for the -connection to be made little Ruth asked if she might talk over the -open wire. The young lady operator heard the question and said, "Yes, -please let her." - -Ruth, taking the receiver, first told her name. Then the operator -asked her where she was, and to this Ruth replied: - -"I am in Uncle Walter's lap--don't you wish you were?" - - * * * * * - -Apropos of vanity, Senator Root told at Yale about a politician who, -the day before he was to make a certain speech, sent a forty-one-page -report of it to all the papers. On page 20 appeared this paragraph: -"But the hour grows late, and I must close. (No, no! Go on! Go on!)" - - * * * * * - -Two women from the country were at the circus for the first time. They -were greatly taken with the menagerie. At last they came to the -hippopotamus, and stood for several minutes in silent wonder, then one -turned to the other and said, "My, Mandy, ain't--he--_plain_?" - - * * * * * - -Senator Ingalls was always quick at retort, although he was himself a -subject of some sharp shafts. Once he was attacked by Senator Eli -Saulsbury, of Delaware, the second smallest State in the Union. He -disposed of the whole matter by saying, "I thank the gentleman from -that great State, which has three counties at low tide and two -counties at high tide, for his advice." - - * * * * * - -A young and bashful professor was frequently embarrassed by jokes his -girl pupils would play on him. These jokes were so frequent that he -decided to punish the next perpetrators, and the result of this -decision was that two girls were detained an hour after school, and -made to work some difficult problems, as punishment. - -It was the custom to answer the roll-call with quotations, so the -following morning, when Miss A's name was called, she rose, and, -looking straight in the professor's eye, repeated: "With all thy -faults I love thee still," while Miss B's quotation was: "The hours I -spend with thee, dear heart, are as a string of pearls to me." - - * * * * * - -Archbishop Patrick J. Ryan, of Philadelphia, once received a call from -Wayne McVeagh, in company with Mr. Roberts, president of the -Pennsylvania system at the time that McVeagh was counsel for that -railroad. "Your Grace," said Mr. McVeagh, "Mr. Roberts, who always -travels with his counsel, will, undoubtedly, get you passes over all -the railroads in the United States, if in return you will get him a -pass to Paradise." "I would do so gladly," flashed the archbishop, "if -it were not for separating him from his counsel." - - * * * * * - -On one of his collecting trips through Scotland the eminent English -geologist, Hugh Miller, at the end of the day gave to a servant his -bag of specimen stones which he had labored all day to collect, to be -carried some miles to his home. Later, while sitting unobserved in a -corner of the village inn, he heard the man communicating to a friend -in Gaelic his experience with the "mad Englishman," as he called him, -in the following manner: - -"He gave me his bag to carry home by a short-cut across the hills -while he walked by another road. I was wondering why it was so -fearfully heavy, and when I got out of his sight I made up my mind to -see what was in it. I opened it, and what do you think it was? -Stones!" - -"Stones!" exclaimed his companion, opening his eyes. "Stones! Well, -that beats all I ever heard or knew of one of them. And did you carry -it?" - -"Carry it! Do you think I was as mad as himself? No, no. I emptied -them all out of the bag, but I filled it again from the stone-heap -near the house, and gave him good measure for his money." - - * * * * * - -Former Representative Gibson, of Tennessee, had a voice that would -play tricks with him. It would work all right for a few minutes, and -then it would stop entirely, and Gibson would be left gasping for a -moment or two, high and dry in the middle of his argument, until his -voice came back again. He was making a tariff speech one day, sailing -along in fine shape. "Why, Mr. Speaker," he shouted, "the tariff is -like a pair of suspenders. Uncle Sam needs it to keep up his--" - -Right there his voice broke. Gibson couldn't say a word. - -"Trousers!" yelled one member. - -"Pants!" - -"Breeches!" - -By that time the voice came back--"to keep up his revenues," said -Gibson, glaring around at his tormentors. - - * * * * * - -Senator Tillman not long ago piloted a plain farmer-constituent around -the Capitol for a while, and then, having some work to do on the -floor, conducted him to the Senate gallery. - -After an hour or so the visitor approached a gallery doorkeeper and -said: "My name is Swate. I am a friend of Senator Tillman. He brought -me here and I want to go out and look around a bit. I thought I would -tell you so I can get back in." - -"That's all right," said the doorkeeper, "but I may not be here when -you return. In order to prevent any mistake I will give you the -password so you can get your seat again." - -Swate's eyes rather popped out at this. "What's the word?" he asked. - -"Idiosyncrasy." - -"What?" - -"Idiosyncrasy." - -"I guess I'll stay in," said Swate. - - * * * * * - -The Willoughbys had said good-by to Mrs. Kent. Then Mr. Willoughby -spoke thoughtfully: - -"It was pleasant of her to say that about wishing she could see more -of people like us, who are interested in real things, instead of the -foolish round of gaiety that takes up so much of her time and gives -her so little satisfaction, wasn't it?" - -His wife stole a sidewise glance at his gratified face and a satirical -smile crossed her own countenance. - -"Very pleasant, George," she said clearly. "But what I knew she meant, -and what she knew that I knew she meant, was that my walking-skirt is -an inch too long and my sleeves are old style, and your coat, poor -dear, is beginning to look shiny in the back." - -"Why--what--how--" began Mr. Willoughby helplessly; then he shook his -head and gave it up. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Wharton, the novelist, has never described any blunder of the -so-called smart set quite as pathetic as one that actually happened to -herself. A young man of a particularly old family, who sat next to her -at dinner, said: "I'm terribly frightened to meet you, Mrs. Wharton," -and when asked the origin of his terrors, explained: "I've always -heard you're such a frightful blackleg." - - * * * * * - -Rosenthal, the pianist, speaks eight or ten languages. But his -knowledge of idiomatic English has not always been sufficient to -enable him to follow all the critics have said about his pyrotechnic -playing. The other day, reading over the latest batch of clippings in -the manager's office, he suddenly asked: "Vat iss 'Fourt' of July -interpretation?" - -"Fourth of July?" was the reply, "Don't you know the Fourth of July? -Why, the national holiday--everything noble and patriotic--George -Washington--Battle of Bunker Hill--the Declaration of Independence--" -"Ah! I see," said the pianist, "Un grand compliment!" - - * * * * * - -Representative Cushman, of Washington, once came to Speaker Cannon -with a letter written by the speaker himself. - -"Mr. Speaker," he said, "I got this letter from you yesterday and I -couldn't read it. I showed it to twenty or thirty fellows in the House -and, between us, we have spelled out all but the last three words." -Uncle Joe took the letter and studied it, "The last three words," he -said, "are 'Personal and Confidential.'" - - * * * * * - -At a banquet held in a room the walls of which were adorned with many -beautiful paintings, a well-known college president was called upon to -respond to a toast. In the course of his remarks, wishing to pay a -compliment to the ladies present, and designating the paintings with -one of his characteristic gestures, he said: "What need is there of -these painted beauties when we have so many with us at this table?" - - * * * * * - -The late Charles Eliot Norton was wont to deplore the modern youth's -preference of brawn to brain. He used to tell of a football game he -once witnessed: "Princeton had a splendid player in Poe--you will -remember little Poe?" and Professor Norton, thinking of "The Raven" -and "Annabel Lee," said to the lad at his side: "He plays well, that -Poe!" - -"Doesn't he?" the youth cried. "Is he," said Professor Norton, "any -relation to the great Poe?" - -"Any relation?" said the youth. "Why, he is the great Poe." - - * * * * * - -A fire broke out one day in Francis Wilson's dressing-room at the -theater where he was playing. - -He had some of his books around him, and in an agony of despair asked -himself: - -"Which shall I save?" He glanced at his precious Chaucer, at some -Shakespearean volumes, when: - -"Come, Mr. Wilson," broke in at the door from a fireman, "you have not -a moment to lose." - -"Yes, yes. Coming," replied Wilson absently. - -He was looking for a special illuminated volume very dear to him. - -"Come, Wilson," cried his manager; "come, get out!" - -"All right, all right," said Wilson, and, grabbing some clothes in one -hand, he snatched with the other the nearest volume and ran to the -street. There he looked at the huge volume in his arms. It was the -city directory. - - * * * * * - -A city gentleman was recently invited down to the country for "a day -with the birds." His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the -great disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally -regulated by the size of the bag. - -"Dear me!" at last exclaimed the sportsman, "but the birds seem -exceptionally strong on the wing this year." - -"Not all of 'em, sir," was the answer. "You've shot at the same bird -about a dozen times. 'E's a-follerin' you about, sir." - -"Following me about? Nonsense! Why should a bird do that?" - -"Well, sir," came the reply. "I dunno, I'm sure, unless 'e's 'angin' -'round you for safety." - - * * * * * - -A lady was calling on some friends one summer afternoon. The talk -buzzed along briskly, fans waved and the daughter of the house kept -twitching uncomfortably, frowning and making little smothered -exclamations of annoyance. Finally, with a sigh, she rose and left the -room. - -"Your daughter," said the visitor, "seems to be suffering from the -heat." - -"No," said the hostess. "She is just back home from college and she is -suffering from the family grammar." - - * * * * * - -"It ain't everybody I'd put to sleep in this room," said old Mrs. -Jinks to the fastidious and extremely nervous young minister who was -spending a night at her house. - -"This here room is full of sacred associations to me," she went on, as -she bustled around opening shutters and arranging the curtains. "My -first husband died in that bed with his head on these very pillers, -and poor Mr. Jinks died settin' right in that corner. Sometimes when I -come into the room in the dark I think I see him settin' there still. - -"My own father died layin' right on that lounge under the winder. Poor -pa! He was a Speeritualist, and he allus said he'd appear in this room -after he died, and sometimes I'm foolish enough to look for him. If -you should see anything of him to-night you'd better not tell me; for -it'd be a sign to me that there was something in Speeritualism, and -I'd hate to think that. - -"My son by my first man fell dead of heart disease right where you -stand. He was a doctor, and there's two skeletons in that closet that -belonged to him, and half a dozen skulls in that lower drawer. - -"There, I guess you'll be comfortable. - -"Well, good night, and pleasant dreams." - - * * * * * - -A woman suffrage lecturer brought down the house with the following -argument: "I have no vote, but my groom has, but I am sure if I were -to go to him and say, 'John, will you exercise the franchise?' he -would reply, 'Please, mum, which horse be that?'" - - * * * * * - -"Maude was afraid the girls wouldn't notice her engagement ring." "Did -they?" "_Did_ they? Six of them recognized it at once." - - * * * * * - -Mr. George Broadhurst, author of the play, "The Man of the Hour," is -an Englishman, and recently made a visit to his native country. After -having lived a week at one of the large hotels in London, he was -surprised on the evening of his departure, although at a very late -hour, to see an endless procession of waiters, maids, porters, and -pages come forward with the expectant smile and empty hand. When each -and all had been well bestowed, even boots and under-boots and then -another boots, he dashed for the four-wheeler that was to carry him -safely away. - -Settling himself with a sigh of relief, he was about to be off when a -page popped his head into the window and breathlessly exclaimed: - -"I beg pardon, sir, but the night-lift man says he's waiting for a -message from you, sir." - -"A message from me?" - -"Yes, sir; he says he cawn't go to sleep without a message from you, -sir." - -"Really, he can't go to sleep without a message from me?" - -"No, sir." - -"How touching. Then tell him, 'Pleasant dreams.'" - - * * * * * - -Representative Tawney, of Minnesota, chairman of the House Committee -on Appropriations, sent out some of his quota of garden seeds to his -constituents not long ago. One man in Winona wrote to Tawney: "Dear -Jim: I received your seeds, but I don't care much for them. If you -really want to do something for me, please send me up a suit of union -underwear." - - * * * * * - -In his younger days Thomas Bailey Aldrich was not a little of a dandy. -This foible led an unusually energetic Boston bluestocking to refer to -him in a caustic style on one occasion as "effeminate." - -When a friend told the poet of her remark he smiled grimly. - -"So I am," he assented, "compared with her." - - * * * * * - -Tennyson's customary manner toward women was one of grave and stately -courtesy. One evening at Aldworth, Sir Edward Hamley, the soldier and -expert writer on the art of war, who had been visiting through the -day, rose to take leave. Tennyson pressed him to stay over night, -adding: "There are three ladies who wish it," meaning Mrs. Tennyson -and the two guests who were in the house. - -"There are three other ladies who oppose it," Sir Edward answered. - -"Who are they?" Tennyson asked. - -"The Fates," Sir Edward replied. - -"The Fates may be on one side," Tennyson rejoined, "but the Graces are -on the other." - - * * * * * - -Douglas Jerrold's genius for repartee is perhaps best shown in his -most famous reply to Albert Smith, whom he disliked and frequently -abused. Smith grew tired of being made the butt of the other's wit, -and one day plaintively remarked: "After all, Jerrold, we row in the -same boat." "Yes," came the answer, "but not with the same skulls." - - * * * * * - -Mr. Brown, a Kansas gentleman, is the proprietor of a boarding-house. -Around his table at a recent dinner sat his wife, Mrs. Brown; the -village milliner, Mrs. Andrews; Mr. Black, the baker; Mr. Jordan, a -carpenter; and Mr. Hadley, a flour, feed, and lumber merchant. Mr. -Brown took a ten-dollar bill out of his pocketbook and handed it to -Mrs. Brown, with the remark that there was ten dollars toward the -twenty he had promised her. Mrs. Brown handed the bill to Mrs. -Andrews, the milliner, saying, "That pays for my new bonnet." Mrs. -Andrews, in turn, passed it on to Mr. Jordan, remarking that it would -pay for the carpentry work he had done for her. Mr. Jordan handed it -to Mr. Hadley, requesting his receipted bill for flour, feed, and -lumber. Mr. Hadley gave the bill back to Mr. Brown, saying, "That pays -ten dollars on my board." Mr. Brown again passed it to Mrs. Brown, -remarking that he had now paid her the twenty dollars he had promised -her. She, in turn, paid it to Mr. Black to settle her bread and pastry -account. Mr. Black handed it to Mr. Hadley, asking credit for the -amount on his flour bill, Mr. Hadley again returning it to Mr. Brown, -with the remark that it settled for that month's board; whereupon -Brown put it back into his pocketbook, observing that he had not -supposed a greenback would go so far. - - * * * * * - -A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the -back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right, you can run along -and write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as -new." The patient went off gaily to write his letter. He had it -finished and sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped -through his fingers to the floor, lighted on the back of a cockroach -that was passing and stuck. The patient hadn't seen the -cockroach--what he did see was his escaped postage stamp zig-zagging -aimlessly across the floor to the baseboard, wavering up over the -baseboard and following a crooked track up the wall and across the -ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up the letter and dropped the -pieces on the floor. "Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of -here in three years." - - * * * * * - -A Bostonian, arriving at the gate of Heaven, asked for admittance. - -"Where are you from?" inquired the genial Saint. - -"Boston." - -"Well, you can come in, but you won't like it." - - * * * * * - -A well-known bishop, after a long journey to conduct a service in a -distant village, was asked by the spokesman of the reception committee -if he would like a whisky and soda to keep out the cold. "No," he -replied, "for three reasons. First, because I am chairman of the -Temperance Society; secondly, I am just going to enter a church; -and--thirdly, because--I have just had one." - - * * * * * - -A frivolous young English girl, with no love for the Stars and -Stripes, once exclaimed at a celebration where the American flag was -very much in evidence: "Oh, what a silly-looking thing the American -flag is! It suggests nothing but checker-berry candy." - -"Yes," replied a bystander, "the kind of candy that has made everybody -sick who ever tried to lick it." - - * * * * * - -A hungry Irishman went into a restaurant on Friday and said to the -waiter: - -"Have yez any whale?" - -"No." - -"Have yez any shark?" - -"No." - -"Have yez any swordfish?" - -"No." - -"Have yez any jellyfish?" - -"No." - -"All right," said the Irishman. "Then bring me ham and eggs and a -beefsteak smothered wid onions. The Lord knows I asked for fish." - - * * * * * - -Mr. Halloran returned from a political meeting with his interest -aroused. "There's eight nations represented in this ward of ours," he -said, as he began to count them off on his fingers. "There's Irish, -Frinch, Eyetalians, Poles, Germans, Rooshians, Greeks, an'--" Mr. -Halloran stopped and began again: "There's Irish, Frinch, Eyetalians, -Poles, Germans, Rooshians, Greeks, an'--I can't seem to remember the -other wan. There's Irish, Frinch--" "Maybe 'twas Americans," suggested -Mrs. Halloran. "Sure, that's it, I couldn't think." - - * * * * * - -The solemnity of the meeting was somewhat disturbed when the eloquent -young theologian pictured in glowing words the selfishness of men who -spend their evenings at the club, leaving their wives in loneliness at -home at the holiday season. "Think, my hearers," said he, "of a poor, -neglected wife, all alone in the great, dreary house, rocking the -cradle of her sleeping babe with one foot and wiping away her tears -with the other!" - - * * * * * - -Two charming girls with Mr. Danvers, who was very shy, were watching -the dancing waves. Conversation was carried on with difficulty. -Finally Maude ventured the remark: - -"Don't you hate the seaside, Mr. Danvers, with its glare and noise and -general vulgarity?" - -Mr. Danvers replied fervently with a smile and downcast eyes: "Oh, -d-d-d-don't I, that's all!" - -Then Miss Lilian followed up the subject and said: "What, hate the -seaside, Mr. Danvers?--with the fresh air and blue waves, and the -delightful lounge after bathing, and the lawn-tennis and the -Cinderella dances! I dote on it, and I should have thought you did, -too!" - -Whereupon Mr. Danvers stammered still more fervently: "Oh--I-I-I -should think I did!" - -And the waves kept on splashing merrily. - - * * * * * - -Just before the collection was taken up one Sunday morning a negro -clergyman announced that he regretted to state that a certain brother -had forgotten to lock the door of his chicken-house the night before, -and as a result in the morning he found that most of the fowls had -disappeared. "I doan' want to be pussonal, bredr'n," he added, "but I -hab my s'picions as to who stole dem chickens. I also hab reason fo' -b'lievin' dat if I am right in dose s'picions dat pusson won't put any -money in de plate which will now be passed around." - -The result was a fine collection; not a single member of the -congregation feigned sleep. After it was counted the old parson came -forward. - -"Now, bredr'n," he said, "I doan' want your dinners to be spoilt by -wonderin' where dat brudder lives who doan' lock his chickens up at -night. Dat brudder doan' exist, mah friends. He was a parable gotten -up fo' purpose of finances." - - * * * * * - -A minister in a Western town was called upon one afternoon to perform -the marriage ceremony between a negro couple--the negro preacher of -the town being absent from home. - -After the ceremony the groom asked the price of the service. - -"Oh, well," said the minister, "you can pay me whatever you think it -is worth to you." - -The negro turned and silently looked his bride over from head to foot, -then slowly rolling up the whites of his eyes, said: - -"Lawd, sah, you has done ruined me for life, you has, for shuah." - - * * * * * - -A professor of sciences, well known for his absent-mindedness, was -engaged in a deep controversy one day with a fellow-student when his -wife hurriedly entered the room. "Oh, my dear," she cried, "I've -swallowed a pin." - -The Professor smiled. "Don't worry about it, my dear," he said in a -soothing tone. "It is of no consequence. Here"--he fumbled at his -lapel--"Here is another pin." - - * * * * * - -The late Theodore Thomas was rehearsing the Chicago Orchestra on the -stage of the Auditorium Theater. He was disturbed by the whistling of -Burridge, the well-known scene painter, who was at work in the loft -above the stage. A few minutes later Mr. Thomas's librarian appeared -on the "bridge," where Mr. Burridge, merrily whistling, was at work. -"Mr. Thomas's compliments," said the librarian, "and he requests me to -say that if Mr. Burridge wishes to whistle he will be glad to -discontinue his rehearsal." To which Mr. Burridge replied suavely: -"Mr. Burridge's compliments to Mr. Thomas; and please inform Mr. -Thomas that, if Mr. Burridge can not whistle with the orchestra, he -won't whistle at all." - - * * * * * - -When trouble was more general and more destructive in Ireland than at -present, an Irish priest, a very good man, was disturbed by the -inroads which strong drink was making on his flock. He preached a -strong sermon against it. "What is it," he cried, "that keeps you -poor? It's the drink. What is it keeps your children half-starved? The -drink. What is it keeps your children half-clothed? The drink! The -drink. What is it causes you to shoot at your landlords--and miss -them? The drink." - - * * * * * - -Goff, the famous London barrister, has a humor peculiarly his own. He -looks at the world in a half-amused, half-indulgent manner sometimes -very annoying to his friends. One day, when in town, he dropped into a -restaurant for lunch. It was a tidy, although not a pretentious -establishment. After a good meal he called to the waitress and -inquired what kind of pie could be had. - -"Apple pie mince pie raisin pie blueberry pie custard pie peach pie -and strawberry shortcake," the young woman repeated glibly. - -"Will you please say that again?" he asked, leaning a trifle forward. - -The girl went through the list at lightning rate. "And strawberry -shortcake," she concluded with emphasis. - -"Would you mind doing it once more?" he said. - -The waitress looked her disgust, and started in a third time -pronouncing the words in a defiantly clear tone. - -"Thank you," he remarked when she had finished. "For the life of me I -can not see how you do it. But I like to hear it. It's very -interesting, very. Give me apple pie, please, and thank you very -much." - - * * * * * - -An elderly Bishop, a bachelor, who was very fastidious about his -toilet, was especially fond of his bath, and requested particular care -of his tub from the maid. - -When about to leave town one day he gave strict orders to the -housemaid about his "bawth-tub" and said that no one was to be allowed -the use of it. - -Alas! the temptation grew on the girl and she took a plunge. - -The Bishop returned unexpectedly, and finding traces of the recent -stolen bath, questioned the maid so closely that she had to confess -she was the culprit, and was very sorry. - -"I hope you do not think it a sin, Bishop?" asked Mary in tears. - -Eying her sternly, he said: "Mary your using my tub is not a sin, but -what distresses me most is that you would do anything behind my back -that you would not do before my face." - - * * * * * - -Senator Dawes, in his young manhood, was a very poor speaker. One time -he was in an important law case, and for his opponent he had an older -attorney whose eloquence attracted a crowd that packed the courtroom. - -The day was very hot and the judge on the bench was freely perspiring. -Finally the judge, drawing off his coat in the midst of the lawyer's -eloquent address, said: - -"Mr. Attorney, excuse me, but suppose you sit down and let Dawes begin -to speak. I want to thin out this crowd." - - * * * * * - -A doctor spending a rare and somewhat dull night at his own fireside -received the following message from three fellow practitioners: - -"Please step over to the club and join us at a rubber of whist." - -"Jane, dear," he said to his wife, "I am called away again. It appears -to be a difficult case--there are three other doctors on the spot -already." - - * * * * * - -George, the four-year-old grandson of an extremely pious and devout -grandfather, came rushing into the house in a state of wild -excitement. "Grandpa! Grandpa!" he called. "Mr. Barton's cow is dead! -God called her home!" - - * * * * * - -Philander C. Knox tells this story of Roosevelt: "Roosevelt," he said, -"was surprised by a Kansas delegation at Oyster Bay one summer. The -President appeared with his coat and collar off, trousers hitched by -belt, and mopping his forehead. 'Ah, gentlemen,' he said, '_de_lighted -to see you, _de_lighted. But I am very busy putting in my hay, you -know. Just come down to the barn with me and we'll talk it over while -I work.' Down to the barn hustled the delegation and Mr. Roosevelt -seized a pitchfork. But, behold there was no hay on the floor! 'John,' -shouted the President to sounds in the hayloft; 'where's all the hay?' -'I ain't had time to throw it back since you threw it up yesterday, -sir.'" - - * * * * * - -Before the President of a certain Western college had attained his -present high position, a boy entering college was recommended to his -consideration. - -"Try to draw the boy out, Professor; criticise him, and tell us what -you think," the parents said. - -To facilitate acquaintance the Professor took the boy for a walk. -After ten minutes' silence the youth ventured: "Fine day, Professor." - -"Yes," with a far-away look. - -Ten minutes more, and the young man, squirming uncomfortably, said: -"This is a pleasant walk, Professor." - -"Yes." - -Another silence, and then the young man blurted out that he thought -they might have rain. - -"Yes," and this time the Professor went on saying, "Young man, we have -been walking together for half an hour, and you have said nothing -which was not commonplace and stupid." - -"Yes," said the boy, his irritation getting the better of his modesty, -"and you endorsed every word I said." - -Word from the Professor to the parents was to the effect that the boy -was all right. - - * * * * * - -A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter -off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and -went around to the car window to say a last parting word. While he was -leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend, -and at the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to the -window. - -Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up to -the window and said: "One more kiss, pet." - -In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the -window, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you gray-headed -wretch!" - - * * * * * - -There is a young physician who has never been able to smoke a cigar. -"Just one poisons me," says the youthful doctor. - -Recently the doctor was invited to a large dinner-party. When the -women had left the table cigars were accepted by all the men except -the physician. Seeing his friend refuse the cigar the host in -astonishment exclaimed: - -"What, not smoking? Why, my dear fellow, you lose half your dinner!" - -"Yes, I know I do," meekly replied the doctor, "but if I smoked one I -should lose the whole of it!" - - * * * * * - -Once, when Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes was at a charitable fair, he was -asked to furnish a letter for the "post-office." So he placed a -one-dollar note inside a sheet of paper and wrote on the first page: - - "Dear lady, whosoe'er thou art, - Turn this poor page with trembling care; - But hush, oh, hush, thy beating heart, - The one thou lov'st best will be there." - -When the page was turned the one-dollar bill was revealed, and on the -second page he wrote this verse: - - "Fair lady, lift thine eyes and tell - If this is not a truthful letter; - This is the 'one' thou lovest well, - And naught (0) would make thee love it better." - - * * * * * - -As several travelers got into the station 'bus one of the men (who was -quite a portly fellow) noticed that a certain young woman had a grip -exactly like his, but that it was placed with the rest of the luggage, -on top. Thinking there might be some mistake made he kept his inside -and placed it at his feet. He was soon engrossed in his paper, and did -not notice the young woman reach over and draw the grip close to her -side. Being of a humorous turn of mind he waited until she was -occupied with a book and then pulled the grip to its former position, -the rest of the travelers looking on with amused expressions. - -In turning over a leaf she looked down and suddenly became aware of -the removal of the grip. She was quite indignant, and with some force -in her voice and manner said, "That is _mine_!" and jerked it back -close to her feet. - -Touching his hat politely the owner said, with a merry twinkle in his -eye: "All right, madam; but may I please get my pipe and nightshirt -out? You are welcome to the rest of the things!" - - * * * * * - -President Eliot, of Harvard, is not a believer in spelling reform. Not -long ago there was a student who was a candidate for the degree of -doctor of philosophy. This student had adopted spelling reform as his -particular line of work, and as commencement day drew near he went to -President Eliot with a request. "You know, Mr. President," he said -"that you are proposing to make me a Ph.D. Now I have made a specialty -of spelling reform and I always spell philosophy with an 'f.' I -therefore called to ask you if you could not make my degree F. D., -instead of Ph.D." - -"Certainly," replied the President. "In fact, if you insist, we shall -make it a D. F." - - * * * * * - -The following letter was received by the Post-office Department. It -came from a Western postmaster at a small office and read: "In -accordance with the rules of the department, I write you to inform you -that on next Saturday I will close the post-office for one day, as I -am going on a bear hunt. I am not asking your permission to close up -and don't give a damn if you discharge me; but I will advise now, that -I am the only man in the county who can read and write." - - * * * * * - -A young lady at a summer hotel asked an artist friend, who was -spending his vacation there, if he would mind doing a small favor for -her. - -"Certainly not," he said eagerly; "what is it?" - -"Thank you so much," she exclaimed gratefully. "I wish you would stop -at Mrs. Gannon's little shop and get three large bone buttons, the -kind with two small holes in them. They're for my new bathing suit, -you know. Just tell her who I am and it will be all right. You needn't -pay for them." - -Now the artist was a bachelor, and had never bought anything but -collar buttons before. So on the way to the store he kept repeating -the instructions that he had received. Eager to relieve his mind he -rushed up to Mrs. Gannon and reeled off this surprising speech: "I -want three bone buttons for a small bathing suit with two large holes -in it. Just tell me who I am and it will be all right." - - * * * * * - -There was not even standing room in the six-o'clock crowded car, but -one more passenger, a young woman, wedged her way along just inside -the doorway. Each time the car took a sudden lurch forward she fell -helplessly back, and three times she landed in the arms of a large, -comfortable man on the back platform. The third time it happened he -said quietly: "Hadn't you better stay here now?" - - * * * * * - -The principal of one of Washington's high schools relates an incident -in connection with the last commencement day. A clever girl had taken -one of the principal prizes. At the close of the exercises her friends -crowded about her to offer congratulations. - -"Weren't you awfully afraid you wouldn't get it, Hattie?" asked one, -"when there were so many contestants?" - -"Oh, no!" cheerily exclaimed Hattie. "Because I knew when it came to -English composition I had 'em all skinned." - - * * * * * - -The Guards' Band was playing on the terrace at Windsor Castle during -luncheon, and the Queen was so pleased with a lively march that she -sent a maid of honor to inquire what it was. The maid of honor blushed -deeply as she answered on her return: "'Come where the Booze is -Cheaper,' your Majesty." - - * * * * * - -Mark Twain once wrote to Andrew Carnegie as follows: - -"_My dear Mr. Carnegie:_ I see by the papers that you are very -prosperous. I want to get a hymn-book. It costs two dollars. I will -bless you, God will bless you, and it will do a great deal of good. -Yours truly, Mark Twain." - -"P. S.--Don't send the hymn-book; send me the two dollars." - - * * * * * - -A physician started a model insane asylum, says the New York "Sun," -and set apart one ward especially for crazy motorists and chauffeurs. -Taking a friend through the building he pointed out with particular -pride the automobile ward and called attention to its elegant -furnishings and equipment. - -"But," said the friend, "the place is empty; I don't see any -patients." - -"Oh, they are all under the cots fixing the slats," explained the -physician. - - * * * * * - -An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the -outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness -in court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took -the witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial -Bourbon verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took -place. She insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his -persistency finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas. - -"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I knowed -about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked -him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends then cut Tom with -a knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam Jones, who was a -friend of Tom's, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en -three or four others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly -caused some excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin'." - - * * * * * - -One morning, as Mr. Clemens returned from a neighborhood call, sans -necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There, -Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It's -really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!" - -Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room. - -A few minutes later his neighbor--Mrs. S.--was summoned to the door by -a messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. She -opened it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following -note: "Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayed -half an hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindly -return it, as it is the only one I have?--MARK TWAIN." - - * * * * * - -The teacher was teaching a class in the infant Sabbath-school room and -was making her pupils finish each sentence to show that they -understood her. - -"The idol had eyes," the teacher said, "but it could not--" - -"See," cried the children. - -"It had ears, but it could not--" - -"Hear," was the answer. - -"It had lips," she said, "but it could not--" - -"Speak," once more replied the children. - -"It had a nose, but it could not--" - -"Wipe it," shouted the children; and the lesson had to stop a moment. - - * * * * * - -She was the dearest and most affectionate little woman in the world, -and so thoughtful of her husband's comfort and his needs. One evening, -when company was expected, she inquired solicitously: - -"Aren't you going to wear that necktie I gave you on Christmas, -dearie?" - -"Of course I am, Henrietta," responded dearie. "I was saving it up. I -am going to wear that red necktie, and my Nile-green smoking-jacket, -and my purple and yellow socks, and open that box of cigars you gave -me, all at once--to-night." - - * * * * * - -When J. M. Barrie addressed an audience of one thousand girls at Smith -College during an American visit, a friend asked him how he had found -the experience. - -"Well," replied Mr. Barrie, "to tell you the truth I'd much rather -talk one thousand times to one girl than to talk one time to a -thousand girls." - - * * * * * - -The Rev. Mr. Goodman (inspecting himself in mirror)--"Caroline, I -don't really believe I ought to wear this wig. It looks like living a -lie." - -"Bless your heart, Avery," said his better half, "don't let that -trouble you. That wig will never fool anybody for one moment." - - * * * * * - -A young man had been calling now and then on a young lady, when one -night as he sat in the parlor waiting for her to come down, her mother -entered the room instead and asked in a grave, stern way what his -intentions were. He was about to stammer a reply, when suddenly the -young lady called down from the head of the stairs, "Oh, mama, that -isn't the one." - - * * * * * - -A woman hurried up to a policeman at the corner of Twenty-third Street -in New York City. - -"Does this crosstown car take you down to the Bridge toward Brooklyn?" -she demanded. - -"Why, madam," returned the policeman, "do you want to go to Brooklyn?" - -"No, I don't want to," the woman replied, "but I have to." - - * * * * * - -Walter Appleton Clark, whose artistic career was cut short by an -untimely death, had a strong sense of humor. In going through a -millionaire's stables, where the floors and walls were of white tiles, -drinking fountains of marble, mahogany mangers, silver trimmings, and -so forth and so on, "Well," said the millionaire proudly, "is there -anything lacking?" "I can think of nothing," said Clark, "except a -sofa for each horse." - - * * * * * - -Oliver Herford, equally famous as poet, illustrator, and brilliant -wit, was entertaining four magazine editors at luncheon when the bell -rang, and a maid entered with the mail. - -"Oh," said an editor, "an epistle." - -"No," said Mr. Herford, tearing open the envelope, "not an epistle, a -collect." - - * * * * * - -An old gentleman on board one of the numerous steamers which ply -between Holyhead and the Irish coast missed his handkerchief, and -accused a soldier standing by his side of stealing it, which the -soldier, an Irishman, denied. Some few minutes afterward the gentleman -found the missing article in his hat; he was then most profuse in his -apologies to the soldier. - -"Not another wurrd," said Pat; "it was a misthake on both sides--ye -took me for a thafe, and I took ye for a gintlemon." - - * * * * * - -The family were gathered in the library enjoying a magnificent -thunder-storm when the mother thought of Dorothy alone in the nursery. -Fearing lest the little daughter should be awakened and feel afraid, -she slipped away to quiet her. Pausing at the door, however, in a -vivid flash of lightning that illuminated the whole room, she saw the -little girl sitting up in bed clapping her hands in excitement and -shouting, "Bang it again, God! Bang it again!" - - * * * * * - -A little girl ate at a feast a great quantity of chocolate eggs and -bananas and cakes and peanuts and things of that sort, and finally the -time came for her to go. - -"But you will have a little more cake before you go?" her hostess said -politely. - -"No, thank you, ma'am. I'm full," said the little girl. - -"Then," said the hostess, "you'll put some nuts and candies in your -pockets, won't you?" - -The little girl shook her head regretfully. - -"They're full, too," she said. - - * * * * * - -"My dear, I couldn't match that dress goods." - -"You couldn't?" - -"No, and after what the various clerks said to me, I can't see why a -person in tolerable circumstances should want to match it." - - * * * * * - -A boy in a certain school would persist in saying "have went." One day -the teacher kept him in, saying, "While I am out of the room you may -write 'have gone' fifty times." When the teacher returned she found he -had dutifully performed the task, but on the other side of the paper -was a message from the absent one: "I have went. John White." - - * * * * * - -On one of his trips abroad Mr. Evarts landed at Liverpool. The steamer -was proceeding slowly up the river to the wharf, and Mr. Evarts, after -looking at the muddy waters of the Mersey, said to his companion, -"Evidently the quality of mercy is not strained." - - * * * * * - -Once, at breakfast at a friend's, Phillips Brooks noticed the -diminutive but amusingly dignified daughter of the house having -constant trouble with the large fork that she was vainly trying to -handle properly with her tiny fingers. In a spirit of kindness, -mingled with mischief, the Bishop said: - -"Why don't you give up the fork, my dear, and use your fingers? You -know, fingers were made before forks." - -Quick as a flash came the crushing retort: "Mine weren't." - - * * * * * - -Two stout old Germans were enjoying their pipes and placidly listening -to the strains of the summer-garden orchestra. One of them in tipping -his chair back stepped on a parlor match, which exploded with a bang. - -"Dot vas not on de program," he said, turning to his companion. - -"Vat was not?" - -"Vy, dot match." - -"Vat match?" - -"De match I valked on." - -"Vell, I didn't see no match; vat aboud it?" - -"Vy, I valked on a match and it vent bang, and I said it vas not on de -program." - -The other picked up his program and read it through very carefully. "I -don't see it on de program," he said. - -"Vell, I said it vas not on the program, didn't I?" - -"Vell, vat has it got to do mit de program, anyvay? Egsplain -yourself." - - * * * * * - -Charles Dana Gibson, the creator of the "Gibson girl," is one of the -tallest men in his profession, standing six feet two inches tall and -weighing two hundred pounds. - -A fellow-illustrator, called upon Mr. Gibson in his studio one day and -found him working at a specially constructed table accommodated to his -height and breadth. He shook hands cordially with his visitor, but his -frank face revealed deep discontent. His visitor expressed the fear -that his visit was untimely. - -"Not at all, my dear fellow," Mr. Gibson responded. "But I was just -looking at this as you came in," and he showed him a very small pen, -called a crow-quill, with which illustrators make their sketches. The -crow-quill is smaller than the ordinary pen and holder, a fragile, -perishable, and insignificant instrument. - -"Just look at it," complained Mr. Gibson, "and think of a man of my -size earning his living with a thing like that!" - - * * * * * - -Going into a port where the water was very deep--Rio de Janeiro, I -believe--relates Captain A. T. Mahan, the chain cables "got away," as -the expression is, control was lost, and shackle after shackle tore -out of the hawse-holes with tremendous rattling and roaring. The -admiral was on deck at the moment, and when the chain had been stopped -and secured he said to the captain: "Alfred, send for the young man in -charge of those chains and give him a good setting-down. Ask him what -he means by letting such things happen." Alfred was a mild person, and -clearly did not like his job; he could not have come up to the -admiral's standard. The latter saw it, and said: "Perhaps you had -better leave it to me. I'll settle him." Fixing his eyes on the -offender, he said, sternly: "What do you mean by this, sir? Why the -hell didn't you stop that chain?" The culprit looked quietly at him -and said: "How the hell could I?" After a moment the admiral turned to -the captain and said meekly: "That's true, Alfred; how the hell could -he?" - - * * * * * - -An old darky of the Blue Grass State was looking at the high steppers -belonging to his new master, who said, "I suppose your master down -South had a good many horses?" "'Deed we did, sah, dat we did; an' ole -massa had 'em all name' Bible names. Faith, Hope, and Charity, Bustle, -Stays, and Crinoline was all one spring's colts!" - - * * * * * - -The wife of a well-known judge lost her cook, and since she had no -other recourse she rolled up her sleeves and for a week provided such -meals as the judge had not enjoyed since those happy days when they -didn't keep a cook. The judge's delight was so great that by way of -acknowledgment he presented his wife with a beautiful ermine coat. -Naturally the incident was noised about among their acquaintances and -a spirit of envious emulation was developed in certain quarters. Mrs. -Jerome, after reciting the story to her husband, asked, "What do I -get, Jerry, if I will do the cooking for a week?" - -"At the end of the week, dear, you'll get one of those long crepe -veils." - - * * * * * - -Perhaps one of Lord Beaconsfield's brightest flings was at the wife of -his bitterest political foe. Mrs. Gladstone passed the Prime Minister -one day, and he cast a glance at her over his shoulder, saying: "There -goes a woman without one redeeming fault." - - * * * * * - -A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with -a most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his -presence. - -The officer, familiar with the soldier's ways, replied: - -"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received a -letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you -get drunk, and mistreat her shamefully." - -The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at the -door, asking: "Sor, may I spake to you, not as an officer, but as mon -to mon?" - -"Yes, what is it?" - -"You and I are two of the most illigant liars the Lord ever made. I'm -not married at all." - - * * * * * - -A very prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Douglas -Jerrold, met his victim and, planting himself in the way, said: "Well, -Jerrold, what is going on to-day?" - -Jerrold replied, darting past the inquirer, "I am!" - - * * * * * - -Foote, the English actor, was once praising the hospitality of the -Irish, after one of his trips to Ireland. A gentleman in his audience -asked him whether he had ever been at Cork. "No, sir," replied Foote; -"but I have seen many drawings of it." - - * * * * * - -A lady one day meeting a girl who had formerly been in her employ -inquired, "Well Mary, where do you live now?" "Please ma'am, I don't -live nowhere now," rejoined the girl; "I am married." - - * * * * * - -When a Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for election in Hull, England, -his sister, an amiable and witty young lady offered to make a present -of a new gown to each of the wives of the men who voted for her -brother. Upon hearing this, the crowd whom she was addressing broke -out into cries of "Miss Wilberforce forever." "I thank you gentlemen," -the young lady replied, "but I do not wish to be Miss Wilberforce -forever!" - - * * * * * - -"How do you define 'black as your hat?'" said a schoolmaster to one of -his pupils. - -"Darkness that may be felt," replied the budding genius. - - * * * * * - -She--"He married her for her money. Wasn't that awful?" - -He--"Did he get it?" - -She--"No." - -He--"It was." - - * * * * * - -"My, but it is hot in your office," said a client to his lawyer. - -"It ought to be," replied the lawyer, "I make my bread here." - - * * * * * - -The town council of a small German community met to inspect a new site -for a cemetery. They assembled at a chapel, and as it was a warm day -some one suggested they leave their coats there. - -"Some one can stay behind and watch them," suggested Herr Botteles. - -"What for?" demanded Herr Ehrlich. "If we are all going out together -what need is there for any one to watch the clothes?" - - * * * * * - -After a brief two weeks' acquaintance he invited her to go to the -ball-game with him. - -"There's Jarvis! He's a good one. He's a pitcher for your life. And -that's Johnson, over there. He's going to be our best man in a few -weeks." - -"Oh, Walter! He'll do, all right," she lisped hurriedly, "but it is so -sudden, dear." - - * * * * * - -Dr. Edward Waldo Emerson, of Concord, is fond of telling of an old -servant whose heart was exceedingly kind, and in whom the qualities of -pity and compassion were developed nearly to perfection. He was once -driving his master and Emerson through the country. As they approached -a new house that the master was building, they saw an old woman -sneaking away with a bundle of wood. "Jabez, Jabez," cried the -master, "do you see that old woman taking my wood?" Jabez looked with -pity at the old woman, then with scorn at his master. "No, sir," he -said stoutly, "I don't see her, and I didn't think that you would see -her either." - - * * * * * - -"They said that we would never be happy," moaned the young bride. - -"But you _are_ happy." - -"But now they say it won't last." - - * * * * * - -"That fellow," said Alfred Henry Lewis, the other day, when a certain -well-known Tammany man was mentioned, "puts up a good bluff, but there -is nothing to him. Open the front door and you are in his back yard." - - * * * * * - -Little Paul trying on his grandmother's glasses--"Grandma, what is it -between my eyes and the glasses, I can't see anything." - -"Eighty years, my dear." - - * * * * * - -To Richard Mansfield an enthusiastic woman admirer had paid tribute of -praise, adding: "I suppose, sir, that when in the spirit of those -great roles you forget your real self for days." - -"Yes, madam, for days, as well as nights. It is then I do those -dreadful things--trample on the upturned features of my leading lady -and hurl tenderloin steaks at waiters." - -"And you do not know of it at all?" - -"Not a solitary thing, until I read the papers the next day," said Mr. -Mansfield solemnly. - - * * * * * - -When Marquis Ito was in the United States, in 1901, an inexperienced -St. Paul reporter sought an interview with him. He met Ito's -secretary, and made known his mission. "Me newspaper man. Me writee -news. Me heardee marquis velly ill. He better to-day? You savve?" -began the reporter, to the secretary's amazement. But the latter was -equal to the occasion. "Me savve," he said gravely. "Marquis he no -better. Belly blad. Catchee cold. Doctor him no lettee him leave bled -to-day. You savve?" The interview proceeded in this way, but at its -termination the secretary, with a twinkle in his eye, remarked: "The -marquis is greatly fatigued by his arduous journey, but--" But the -reporter had fled. - - * * * * * - -Professor Phelps, who disliked mathematics, was once walking with -Professor Newton, who began discussing a problem so deep that his -companion could not follow it. He fell into a brown study, from which -he was aroused by Newton's emphatic assertion, "And that, you see, -gives us _x_!" "Does it?" asked Mr. Phelps, politely. "Why, doesn't -it?" exclaimed the professor, excitedly, alarmed at the possibility of -a flaw in his calculations. Quickly his mind ran back and detected a -mistake. "You are right, Mr. Phelps. You are right!" shouted the -professor. "It doesn't give us _x_; it gives us _y_." And from that -time Professor Phelps was looked upon as a mathematical prodigy, the -first man who ever tripped Newton. - - * * * * * - -Ambassador Choate and his daughter visited the restaurant made famous -by Dr. Samuel Johnson. It is the custom there to give the guests lark -pie, such as Johnson used to eat, and the Choates were served with one -of the pasties. Choate was in the chair that Johnson was wont to -occupy, and had just begun his meal, when his daughter exclaimed: -"Isn't it funny, papa? You are in Johnson's chair and eating a -tradition." "Eating a tradition!" retorted the ambassador struggling -valiantly; "I have got hold of one of Johnson's larks." - - * * * * * - -A New England school-teacher recited "The Landing of the Pilgrims" to -her pupils, then asked each of them to draw from their imagination a -picture of Plymouth Rock. One little fellow hesitated and then raised -his hand. "Well, Willie, what is it?" asked the teacher. "Please -teacher, do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster?" - - * * * * * - -An English gentleman had sent a private note to a marquis, on a -personal matter, by hand, and on the return of the man questioned him -as to his reception. "Ah, sir," said the man, "there's no use writing -him any letter, he can't see to read them. He's blind." - -"Blind!" - -"Yes, sir. He asked me twice where my hat was, and I had it on my head -all the time." - - * * * * * - -A magician was performing in a Kentucky town, and during the evening -announced that in his next trick he would need a pint flask of whisky. -No move was made to supply the liquor. "Perhaps you did not understand -me. Will some gentleman kindly loan me a pint flask of whisky?" Then a -lank man in the rear of the hall arose. "Mistah," said he, "will a -quart flask do?" "Just as well, sir," replied the magician, and every -gentleman in the hall arose with flask extended. - - * * * * * - -"Phoebe," said a mistress in reproof to her colored servant whom she -found smoking a short pipe after having repeatedly threatened to -discharge her if again caught in the act, "if you won't stop that bad -habit for any other reason do so because it is right. You are a good -church member--and, don't you know that smoking makes the breath -unpleasant, and that nothing unclean can enter Heaven?" "'Deed, -missie, I does," said the woman, "but bress' yo' heart, when I go to -Heaben I'll leave my bref behin'." - - * * * * * - -It was the custom of a certain deacon, when dining at the home of one -of his best friends, to drink a glass of milk, as a prelude to his -dinner. One day when the minister was scheduled to appear, instead of -the rich, foamy glass of milk, his friend placed beside his plate a -glass of milk punch. After the blessing, the deacon seized his glass -and drank to the last drop, and then exclaimed as he closed his eyes -and smacked his lips, "_Oh_, what a cow!" - - * * * * * - -Dean Hole of Rochester, England, told of a very innocent and obliging -curate who went to a Yorkshire parish where many of the parishioners -bred horses and sometimes raced them. A few Sundays after his arrival -he was asked to invite the prayers of the congregation for Lucy Grey. -He did so. They prayed for three Sundays for her. On the fourth, the -church clerk told the curate that he need not do it any more. "Why," -he asked, "is she dead?" "No," said the clerk, "she's won the -steeplechase." - - * * * * * - -The late Richard Henry Stoddard while endeavoring to procure an -impromptu luncheon for a number of his friends after his wife and the -servants had retired, found a box of sardines. His vigorous remarks, -inspired by the sardine-can's objections to the "open sesame" of a -dull jack-knife, attracted the attention of Mrs. Stoddard on the floor -above. - -"What _are_ you doing?" she called down. - -"Opening a can of sardines." - -"With what?" - -"A dashed old jack-knife," cried the exasperated poet; "what did you -think I was opening it with?" - -"Well, dear," she answered, "I didn't think you were opening it with -prayer." - - * * * * * - -"What is the matter with your father, Gladys?" asked the child's aunt. - -"He's awful sick with a headache," the little girl answered, "an' he's -hurt, too, 'cause mama said he's broke his resolution." - - * * * * * - -Colored people are proverbially fond of funerals, and Mrs. Walker's -cook was trying to make her mistress realize what she had missed by -not attending the funeral of a prominent citizen of their village. - -"Mis' Fanny," she said, "you sholy orto hev been thar. I ain' nevvah -seen sech a big funril in dis heah town. Dey had all de kerridges fum -bofe liberty stables, 'mos' all de private conveniences, an' dat new -fambly fum de North was dere in a two-hoss syringe!" - - * * * * * - -William Bourke Cochran took his seat in Congress on the day that the -House went into turmoil over the special report on post-office -affairs. "I suppose it looks like old times to you, Cochran," said a -friend, who, with others, had crowded around to welcome him back. Just -then such epithets as "coward," "knave," "scoundrel," and "liar," -hurtled across the chamber. "Well, I can't say it looks much like old -times," replied Cochran, "too many new faces for that. But it -certainly sounds like old times." - - * * * * * - -This happened in Scotland: The last edition of the newspapers had been -sold out and the newsboys were calculating their takings. "Hallo," -said Jimmy, in alarm, "I'm a 'a'penny short!" "Well, wats the use of -'arpin' on it?" growled Dick, as he calmly cracked a nut; "you don't -think I took it, do you?" "I don't say you 'ave. But there it is, I'm -a 'a'penny short, and you're eatin' nuts." - - * * * * * - -In _the_ "Diary of a Frenchman" by Flandrau, he makes a student say to -his chum: "I've an idea that we're going to have 'je suis bon' in -French to-day. I wish you would write out a few tenses for me." - -Whereupon his friend wrote: - - "Je suis bon. - Tu es bones, - Il est beans, - Nous sommes bon bons, - Vous etes bonbonnieres, - Ils sont bon-ton." - - * * * * * - -Tolstoy told Isabel Habgard, who has translated many of his books, a -good story of one of his ancestors, an army officer, who was an -excellent mimic. One day he was impersonating the Emperor Paul to a -group of his friends, when Paul himself entered, and for some moments -looked on, unperceived, at the antics of the young man. Tolstoy -finally turned, and beholding the emperor, bowed his head and was -silent. "Go on, sir," said Paul; "continue the performance." The young -man hesitated a moment, and then, folding his arms and imitating every -gesture and intonation of his sovereign, he said: "Tolstoy, you -deserve to be degraded, but I remember the thoughtlessness of youth, -and you are pardoned." The czar smiling, said, "Well, be it so." - - * * * * * - -When President Nicholas Murray Butler was at college, certain freshmen -of his time made no scruple of stealing a pail of milk which a -dairyman daily placed outside the door of Mr. Butler's room while the -occupant was in class. In order to foil the boys, Mr. Butler printed a -sign in big letters, "I have poisoned this milk with arsenic." Upon -his return he found the milk intact, but added to the notice were -these words: "So have we." - - * * * * * - -There is an amusing story told of a clergyman, who, upon one of his -trips through the West, observed that almost every man he met and -spoke with used profanity. Finally he found one man who talked to him -for twenty minutes without using an oath. The clergyman shook hands -with him at parting and said: "You don't know how glad I am to have a -chance to have a talk with a man like you. You are the first man I -have met for three days who could talk for five minutes without -swearing." The stranger, shocked, instantly and innocently ejaculated: -"Well, I'll be d----d!" - - * * * * * - -The other day, while shopping, a lady accidentally picked up another -lady's umbrella from the counter, and had the mistake pointed out to -her in a rather frigid manner. She returned the umbrella with -apologies, and then remembered that she had no umbrella with her. - -As it had begun to rain, she bought one, as well as one for a birthday -present for a friend. With the two umbrellas in her hand, she boarded -a car and, as luck would have it, sat down opposite the lady whose -umbrella she had picked up earlier in the store. As the latter swept -out of the car she smiled again frigidly, and remarked to the lady of -the umbrellas, "I see you have had a successful day." - - * * * * * - -"If a fairy should appear to you and offer you three wishes," said the -imaginative young woman, "what would you do?" "I'd sign the pledge," -answered the matter-of-fact young man. - - * * * * * - -A summer tourist was passing through a German village in the West -recently, when a stout German girl came to the front door and called -to a small girl playing in front. "Gusty! Gusty!" she said, "come in -and eat yourself. Ma's on the table, and pa's half et!" - - * * * * * - -A university of Illinois professor is very popular among the students. -He was entertaining a group of them at his residence one night. Taking -down a magnificent sword that hung over the fireplace, he brandished -it about, exclaiming, "Never will I forget the day I drew this blade -for the first time." "Where did you draw it, sir?" an awe-struck -freshman asked. "At a raffle," said the professor. - - * * * * * - -In the vicinity of Germantown there lived a worthy old lady and her -son John, who were once called upon to entertain a number of ladies at -dinner during Quarterly meeting. As John began to carve the broiled -chickens, he entered upon a flowery speech of welcome, but in the -midst of his flattering utterances his mother, who was somewhat deaf, -piped up from the other end of the table: "You needn't be praisin' of -'em up, John, I'm afraid they're a lot of tough old hens, every one of -'em." - - * * * * * - -One of Pere Ollivier's flock, a very beautiful and handsomely dressed -woman, coming very late to church one Sunday morning, caused some -disturbance and stir among the worshipers by her entrance and -interrupted the flow of eloquence of the worthy father, who, very -irritable and easily put out, said: "Madame perhaps waited to take her -chocolate before coming to church?" To this, madame, unabashed, -graciously replied: "Yes, mon pere; and two rolls with it." - - * * * * * - -Of late years the House of Commons has seen some lively times. Many of -them have been brought about by the irascible but delightful Irish -member, Dr. Tanner. On one occasion, when he had been indulging rather -freely and his ever ready tongue being loosened, he met Sir Ellis -Ashmead Bartlett in the lobby, and taking him to one side he said, in -the greatest confidence, and without the slightest tinge of anger, but -with a world of meaning: "Bartlett, you are a fool." "You are drunk," -retorted the knight. "That's all right," replied Dr. Tanner. -"To-morrow I shall be sober, but you will still be a fool." - - * * * * * - -A reader for a New York publishing house gives the following, quoted -from a story submitted by an Indiana authoress, as being about the -choicest bit he has come across in many years: - - "Reginald was bewitched. Never had the baroness seemed to him - so beautiful as at this moment, when, in her dumb grief, she - hid her face." - - * * * * * - -An old negro living in Carrollton was taken ill recently, and called -in a physician of his race to prescribe for him. But the old man did -not seem to be getting any better, and finally a white physician was -called. Soon after arriving Dr. S---- felt the darky's pulse for a -moment, and then examined his tongue. "Did your other doctor take your -temperature?" he asked. "I don't know, sah," he answered, feebly; "I -haint missed nuthin' but mah watch yit, boss." - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Among the Humorists and After Dinner -Speakers, Vol. I, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMONG HUMORISTS, AFTER-DINNER SPEAKERS *** - -***** This file should be named 41249.txt or 41249.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/1/2/4/41249/ - -Produced by D Alexander, Matthew Wheaton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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