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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a +href="http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></p> +<p>Title: The Levellers</p> +<p> A Dialogue Between Two Young Ladies, Concerning Matrimony, Proposing an Act for Enforcing Marriage, for the Equality of Matches, and Taxing Single Persons</p> +<p>Author: Anonymous</p> +<p>Release Date: April 18, 2012 [eBook #39478]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LEVELLERS***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by<br /> + Colin Bell, Sue Fleming, Joseph Cooper,<br /> + and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="pg" /> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> + +<p class="center">An Extract of</p> +<h1>AN AUGUSTAN REPRINT</h1> +<p class="center">Of A Publication On</p> +<h1>The Levellers Movement</h1> +<p class="center">Found in the late<br /></p> +<p class="center">EARL of <i>OXFORD</i>'s LIBRARY.</p> + +<p class="center">AUTHOR: ANONYMOUS</p> + +<p class="center">PUBLISHED IN 1745</p> + +<p class="center">LONDON:</p> +<p class="center">Printed for <i>T. OSBORNE</i>, in <i>Gray</i>'s-<i>Inn</i>. <span class="smcap">Mdccxlv.</span></p> + +<p> </p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p> + +<blockquote><p class="nidt"><big>The Levellers: A Dialogue between two young Ladies, concerning +Matrimony, proposing an Act for Enforcing Marriage, for the Equality of +Matches, and Taxing single Persons. With the Danger of Celibacy to a +Nation. Dedicated to a Member of Parliament. <i>London,</i> Printed and Sold +by <i>J. How</i>, at the <i>Seven Stars</i> in <i>Talbot-Court</i>, in +<i>Grace-church-street</i>, 1703. <i>Quarto</i>, containing thirty-two Pages.</big></p></blockquote> + + +<blockquote><p class="center">An Epistle to a Member of Parliament.</p> + +<p>Honoured Sir,</p> + +<p><i>Our Fore-fathers, if not now in Being, have passed an Act, +prohibiting the Importation of Foreign, and for the Encouragement +of the Breed of English Cattle, which, I am told, has much raised +the Price of Land in</i> England. <i>With Submission to your better +Judgment, I think, An Act, for Increasing the Breed of</i> Englishmen, +<i>would be far more advantageous to the Realm. Some say, That our +Ships are the Walls of our Island; but I say, Our Men are the +Walls, the Bulwarks, and Fortresses of our Country. You can have no +Navies, nor Armies, without Men; and, like prudent Farmers, we +ought always to keep our Land well stocked.</i> England <i>never +prospered by the Importation of Foreigners, nor have we any Need of +them, when we can raise a Breed of our own</i>.</p> + +<p><i>What you have here presented, is a Discourse of two young Ladies, +who, you find, are very willing to comply with such an Act, and are +ready to go to Work for the Good of their Country, as soon as they +shall have a legal Authority; of which, if you are the happy +Instrument, you will have the Blessing of ten-thousand Damsels, and +the Thanks of</i></p> + +<p class="ralign"> +Your humble Servant.<br /> +<br /> +<i>POLITICA.</i><br /> +</p> + +</blockquote> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> +<p><i>Politica</i> and <i>Sophia</i>, two young Ladies of great Beauty and Wit, +having taken Lodgings together, this Summer, in the Country, diverted +themselves in the Evenings by walking to a certain Shadow, which they +might justly call their own, being frequented by none but themselves and +the harmonious Society of the Wood. Here they consumed the happy +Minutes, not in idle Chat peculiar to the Ladies of the Court and City; +they did not dispute the Manner of Dressing, the Beauties and Foil of +the Commode and Top-knot, nor the Laws and Administration of the +Attiring-room. They talked of nobler Subjects, of the Beauty and +wonderful Creation of Almighty God, and of the Nature of Man, the Lord +of the Universe, and of the whole Dominions of Nature. Pity it is we +cannot procure all that these Ladies have so privately, as they thought, +discoursed; but we are very happy in having what follows, which came to +our Knowledge by a mere Accident. A Gentleman, lodging in the +Neighbourhood, one Evening, taking a Walk for his Recreation, haply laid +himself down behind a Hedge, near the very Shadow frequented by these +Ladies; he had not lain long, before these Angels appeared at a +Distance, and he, peeping through the Boughs (which served as a +Telescope to bring the divine Objects nearer his View) was extremely +ravished with their Beauty; but, alas! What was the Beauty of their +Faces to that of their Minds, discovered to this happy Man by the soft +and charming Eloquence of their Tongues? And no Man in the World was +better qualified to give an Account of this noble Dialogue, than this +Person, he being an accurate Short-hand Writer, and had been Pupil to +Mr. <i>Blainey</i> in that Science, and very happily had, at that Time, Pen, +Ink, and Paper about him; he heard with Amazement their Discourse on +common Affairs, but, when the charming <i>Sophia</i> had fixed on a Subject, +he began to write as follows:</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> My dear Sister, How happy are we in this blessed Retirement, +free from the Hurry of the noisy Town! Here we can contemplate on the +Wonders of Nature, and on the Wisdom of the great Founder of the +Universe. Do you see how the Leaves of this Thicket are grown, since we +first retired to <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span>its Shadow? It now affords us a sufficient Shelter +from the Heat of the Sun, from Storms, and Rain; see yonder Shrub, what +Abundance of Cyons sprout from its Root? See yonder Ewes, with their +pretty Lambs skipping and dancing by their Sides. How careful is Nature +to propagate every Part of the Handywork of the Almighty! But you and I, +my <i>Politica</i>, are useless Creatures, not answering the End of our +Creation in the Propagation of our Species, for which, next the Service +of our Creator, we came into the World. This is our Sin, and we ought to +be Transgressors no longer.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> Every Creature desires to propagate its Species, and Nature +dictates to every Part of the Creation the Manner of doing it. The brute +Beasts are subservient to this Law, and wholly answer the End of their +Creation: Now there is the same Desire in Mankind; but we, who are +endowed with noble Faculties, and who have Countenances erected to +behold the Wonders of God in the Firmament of Heaven, look so far into +the Earth, that we sink beneath the Dignity of Beasts. In being averse +to Generation, we offer Violence to the Laws of God and Nature imprinted +on our Minds. What <i>she</i> can say, that Nature does not prompt her to the +Propagation of her Species? Which, indeed, is one Argument of the +Immortality of the Soul; for the rational Faculties concur with the +Dictates of Nature in this Point. We are, as it were, immortal upon +Earth, in our surviving Children. It is a Sort of Hyperbole, but it is +as near Truth as possibly can be. We are all of us desirous of Life; +and, since, being mortal, we cannot for ever inhabit this glorious +World, we are willing to leave our Children in Possession.</p> + +<p>I cannot agree with you, Madam, that it is our Fault we do not propagate +our Species, at least, I am sure, it is none of mine; I am young, and +healthy, and beautiful enough, and Nature daily tells me what Work I +ought to do; the Laws of God circumscribe the Doing of it; and yet, +notwithstanding my Conformity to both, you know, my Circumstances will +not admit of Marriage.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> The Impulse of Nature in me, in that Respect, is as great as +it can be in you, but still under the Regulations of the strictest Rules +of Virtue. The End of our Creation <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span>might be better answered, were not +the matrimonial Knot to be tied only by the Purse-string. I can say, I +am young and beautiful, and that without any Vanity. This Mr. <i>H——</i> +knows well enough; he loves me intirely, and, I am sure, had rather live +all his Life-time with me in a Garret, on the Scrag-end of a Neck of +Mutton, than with the Lady his Father proposes; but the old Curmudgeon +will not let his Son have the least Thoughts of me, because the Muck, my +Father has left me, will not fill so many Dung-carts, as he can fill for +his Son: It is even true, what the Parson said, 'Matrimony is become a +Matter of Money.' This is the Reason, that you and I stick on Hand so +long, as the Tradesmen at <i>London</i> say, when they cannot put off their +Daughters.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> Matrimony is, indeed, become a mere Trade; they carry their +Daughters to <i>Smithfield</i>, as they do Horses, and sell to the highest +Bidder. Formerly, I have heard, nothing went current in the Matrimonial +Territories, but Birth and Blood; but, alas! this was in the antiquated +Times, when Virtue and Honour was a Commodity in <i>England</i>, and when the +Nobility and Gentry were in Possession of large Estates, and were +content to live upon them, and keep Courts of their own in the Country; +but, since they abandoned the State and Grandeur of their Fore-fathers, +and became Courtiers, and extravagantly wasted their Substance in +polluted Amours in the City, they have no Way to repair the Cracks in +the Estates, but by Marrying of Fortunes; and, if the Woman be a +Fortune, it is no Matter how she is descended; Gold is the Quarry they +fly at. I remember some old Verses to this Purpose:</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">'Gold Marriages makes, 'tis the Center of Love;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">'It sets up the Man, and it helps up the Woman:</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">'By the Golden Rule all Mortals do move,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">'For Gold makes Lords bow to the Brat of a Broom-man.'</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>These Verses are older than either you, or I, and yet they are true in +our Time.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> Aye, Madam, too true, I find it so; but, methinks, it is a +mere Way of selling Children for Money, when, poor Creatures, they often +purchase what will be a <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>Plague to them all their Life-time, a cursed +ill-natured Shrew, or a beastly, ill-conditioned Husband. Let me live a +Maid to the last Minute of my Life, rather than thus to lose my Content, +my Peace of Mind, and domestick Quiet, and all this for the +inconsiderable Trifle of a large Bag of Money for my Portion. Let the +old Curmudgeons keep the Golden Coxcombs, their Sons, for the best +Market. Heaven send me a Spouse, that has Sense enough to despise a +Bargain in Petticoats with Abundance of Money and no Brains! Methinks, a +<i>Smithfield</i> Match is so very ridiculous, that it might nauseate a +half-witted Courtier. How ridiculous is it for an old Miser to shew the +Portion first, and his Daughter afterwards! And, when both Parties are +agreed upon the Price, then Miss goes off, coarse or handsome, good or +ill-natured, it is no Matter. I fancy, an old Miser, exposing his +Daughter to Sale, looks like a Country Farmer selling his white-faced +Calf in the Market, or like a Grasier enhancing the Price of a ragged, +scrubby Ox, from the Consideration of Abundance of Tallow he will turn +out. Even just such a Thing is a <i>Smithfield</i> Match; and, as soon as the +Miser has struck the Bargain for his Daughter, away he goes to the +Parson's Toll-book, and there is an End of the Matter.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> It is even so; but it is a cursed wicked Way of Wedding; it +is perfect Kidnapping Children into the Marriage Plantations. This +Practice is contrary to the Laws of Nature and God. Those pretty Birds, +you now hear singing over our Heads, last <i>Valentine</i>'s Day, chose every +one his Mate, without the Direction, or Approbation of their Parents. +The Scripture says (I think it is in the Sixth of <i>Genesis</i>, and the +second Verse) That <i>the Sons of God saw the Daughters of Men, that they +were fair; and they took them Wives of all which they chose</i>. Do but +mind this Text of Scripture, it is very much to our Purpose; it is not +there said, That the Sons of God saw the Daughters of Men, that they had +Abundance of <i>Money</i>, but they were <i>fair</i>, <i>i. e.</i> they were such as +were beautiful and lovely. This was the Attractive of Courtship. It is +not here said, that the old Misers, as now, carried their Sons and +Daughters to <i>Marriage-Fair</i>, and swopped one for the other, with so +much Money and the Vantage; but here the Sons are left to chuse +themselves <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span>Wives, and they chose such as were fair, even just such as +my beautiful <i>Sophia</i>. And let me make this farther Remark, That, for +Chusing such Wives, they are called <i>the Sons of God</i>: Hence it +naturally follows, That whosoever do chuse Wives after any other Manner +are the Sons of the Devil; and thus the young sold Couple are the Son +and Daughter of the Devil, and the old Miser, that sold them, is the +Devil's Brother-in-law, and so they are matched into a very fine Family.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> Truly, Sister, I am apt to think, God Almighty has nothing to +do with such Matches, though we have a common Proverb in <i>England</i>, +'That Matches are made in Heaven;' I can truly say, as the Country Wench +did, 'They are a long Time in coming down.' I have waited for one a +great While to no Purpose; my Money will not grow to the Height of a +Husband, though I water it with Tears, and air it with Sighs; but, +prithee, Sister, let us contrive some Way or other how to remove this +great Evil, this Grievance of Celibacy, under which the Nation groaneth. +I can take it to be nothing less than a National Judgment, when our Men, +the Strength of our Kingdom, are daily consumed and wasted away by the +Wars, and there is no Care taken of a Supply. Our Ships and Armies, in a +short Time, will want Soldiers; but this is none of our Fault; you and I +would endeavour at a Race of Heroes for the Service of our Country, if +we could come honestly at the Instruments which make them.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> It is very true; but the Remedy: In the first Place, Sister, +let us consider the Causes of the Evil, and then the Remedy. Begin, +Madam, let me hear your Opinion of the Cause of this Evil.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> None fitter than your judicious Self to lead the Way in this +Argument: But, however, Madam, I will obey your Command; and I think it +is Want of Virtue both in young Men and Women, that is the chief Cause +of this destructive Evil.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p> +<p>Out of Civility to the Man, I will begin first with our own Sex. I am +ashamed, and blush to speak it, how many lewd Creatures there are of our +Sex both in the Town and Country; were there not so many Whores, there +would be more Wives. The vicious Sort of Men are by them kept from +marrying; for it is mere Virtue must confine a Man to a married State, +where he has an uninterrupted Converse with Womankind as seldom and as +often as he pleases, without Confinement to any particular Person or +Temper. This made a Nobleman say, that <i>Two Things could never be wanted +in</i> London, <i>a Wife and a Watch; because one may have a Whore, and see +what it is a Clock, at the End of every Street</i>.</p> + +<p>The numerous Company of Strumpets and Harlots, in <i>London</i>, makes the +lewd Sort of Men out of Love with Matrimony. Nay, I have heard them say, +<i>There is no Woman honest after the Age of Fifteen</i>. I know they are +Lyars; but, I am sorry to say it, they have too much Reason to be out of +Love with our Sex. Sometimes I myself am almost of their Opinion, +especially when I consider how shamefully some lewd Women prostitute +themselves to every rascally Porter and Boy: And I think it more +abominable in the Women than the Men, for Nature has given us more +Modesty; and, did not the Whores ply in the Streets, the Leacher could +never stumble over them.</p> + +<p>The Men, they are grown full as effeminate as the Women; we are rivalled +by them even in the Fooleries peculiar to our Sex: They dress like +Anticks and Stage-Players, and are as ridiculous as Monkies: They sit in +monstrous long Perukies, like so many Owls in Ivy-Bushes; and esteem +themselves more upon the Reputation of being a Beau, than on the +substantial Qualifications of Honour, Courage, Learning, and Judgment. +If you heard them talk, you would think yourself at a Gossipping at +<i>Dover</i>, or that you heard the learned Confabulation of the Boys in the +Piazza's of <i>Christ's-Hospital</i>. Did you ever see a Creature more +ridiculous than that Stake of Humane Nature which dined the other Day at +our House, with his great long Wig to cover his Head and Face, which was +no bigger than an <i>Hackney-Turnep</i>, and much of the same Form and Shape? +Bless me how it looked! just like a great Platter of <i>French</i> Soup with +a little Bit of Flesh in the Middle. Did you mark the beau Tiff of his +Wig, what a deal of Pains he took to toss it back, when the very Weight +thereof was like to draw him from his Seat? Did you not take Notice how +he replenished his Snout with Snuff, and what Pains he took to let us +know that it was <i>Vigo</i>? Did you not wonder at his learned Discourse of +the Womens Accoutrements, from <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>the Top-knot to the Laced Shoe; and what +Lectures he read on the Fan, Masque, and Gloves? He understood Ribbons +and Silk as well as a Milliner and Mercer, and was a perfect Chymist in +Beauty Washes and Essences: In short, Madam, did you ever see a more +accomplished Coxcomb in all your Life?</p> + +<p>Now, my Dear, though I must acknowledge our Sex to be extraordinary +vicious, we will not knock under-board to the Men; we have yet more +Virtue left among us than they can match: For though, to our great +Shame, we are degenerated in one Respect, to our Commendation we are +improved in another: We never had, in any Age, Women of better Parts, of +greater Virtue, and more Knowledge. Learning and Wit seem to have +forsaken the Masculine Dominions, and to have taken up their Abode in +the Feminine Territories: And, indeed, the Men are so wickedly +degenerated, that Learning, Virtue, Courage, and Conduct seem to be +unnecessary Accomplishments; for they signify nothing as to their +Preferment, but they make their Fortunes as they make their Wives, by +Money. And truly, Madam, we have no great Occasion to boast that we have +supplanted the Men of their Virtue, for we have got that from them which +did them no Service, and which we must conceal, or else be laughed at +for Shewing it. However, Madam, let us admire Virtue, which gives that +inward Contentment, which all the Riches of the World cannot purchase.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> I think, my dear <i>Sophia</i>, the Parents are as much the Cause +of Celibacy as the Children, by breeding them above their Quality and +Estates. I give myself for an Example. You know my Father was a +Tradesman, and lived very well by his Traffick; and, I being beautiful, +he thought Nature had already given me Part of my Portion, and therefore +he would add a liberal Education, that I might be a compleat +Gentlewoman; away he sent me to the Boarding-School, there I learned to +dance and sing, to play on the Bass-Viol, Virginals, Spinnet and +Guitair. I learned to make Wax-work, Japan, paint upon Glass, to raise +Paste, make Sweet-meats, Sauces, and every thing that was genteel and +fashionable. My Father died, and left me accomplished, as you find me, +with three-hundred Pounds Portion; and, with all this, I am not able to +buy an Husband. A Man, that has an Estate answerable to <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span>my Breeding, +wants a Portion answerable to his Estate; an honest Tradesman, that +wants a Portion of three-hundred Pounds, has more Occasion of a Wife +that understands Cookery and Housewifery, than one that understands +Dancing, and Singing, and Making of Sweet-meats. The Portion, which +Nature gave me, proves now my Detriment; my Beauty is an Obstacle to my +Marriage; an honest Shop-keeper cannot keep a Wife to look upon. +'Beauty, say they, is like a Tavern Bush, it is hung out in the Face to +shew what Commodity is to be sold;' it is but like an Honey-pot, which +will fill a House with Bees and Wasps; and the poor Tradesman, that has +such a Wife, will dream of nothing but Horns, as long as he has her; so +that, Madam, I conclude, our Parents are great Causes of this Evil, in +educating their Children beyond their Estates.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> But how would you order the Matter with one in my +Circumstances? My Father, when I was born, was a Gentleman of a +plentiful Estate, and gave me Education according to the Portion he +designed me; but he, being a true <i>Englishman</i>, joined with the Duke of +<i>Monmouth</i> in the Recovery of our Rights, which, he then thought, were +in Danger; and, in that Enterprise, he lost his Life and Estate, and so +I lost my Portion, and have nothing to subsist on, but the Charity of my +good Aunt. I can marry nothing but a Gentleman, and very few, if any of +them, are inclined to marry the poor Remains of an honourable and +virtuous Family: What can I do?</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> Truly, my Dear, our Cases are both desperate; we cannot +<i>come up</i> to good Estates, and Gentlemen of good Estates will not <i>come +down</i> to us. I have often wondered, that there are no compulsive Laws +inforcing Matrimony, but that, instead thereof, there are Laws +discouraging of Marriage, as is the Act for Births and Burials, +especially to the poorer Sort of People, who are generally the greatest +Breeders; for, by this Act, when there is a certain Charge to a Family, +there is a certain Duty to the Queen. Now, if there was a Law inforcing +of Matrimony, it would more effectually answer the End of her Majesty's +pious Proclamations for the Encouragement of Virtue, and for the +Suppressing of all Manner of Immorality and Profaneness. For such a Law +would put a Stop to Abundance of <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>Whoring; it would make the Women +virtuous, on Purpose to get good Husbands, and the Men thrifty and +diligent in their Callings, in order to maintain their Families. The +Ruin both of Body, Soul, and Estate proceeds from this Omission in our +Laws. I am sure, a Law of this Nature would not only be acceptable in +the Sight of God, but it would be very advantageous to the Kingdom.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> I am very well satisfied in the Truth of what you say, but, at +the same Time, I do not think a Law compulsive of Marriage reasonable in +all Respects; there are a Sort of Monsters of Men, called +<i>Women-haters</i>; these Brutes would be destroyed by this Act. Nature also +has excluded, by its Deficiencies, some Men from the State of Matrimony; +others are of such monstrous ill Humours, that they can match no where, +but in the Nunnery of <i>Billingsgate</i>; therefore, Madam, if you get this +Act passed, it must contain many Proviso's and Exceptions.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> Not in the least; I would have it a genial compulsive Act, +after this Manner: Every Batchelor, at the Age of twenty-four Years, +should pay such a Tax to the Queen; suppose it twenty Shillings <i>per +Annum</i> for the meanest Rank of Men, and what the Parliament thinks fit +for those of higher Degree. Every Widower, which has been so upwards of +one Year, and is under the Age of fifty Years, to pay the same Sum: Now, +according to Computation, we have seven Millions of Men in <i>England</i>, +and, suppose two Millions of the seven be Batchelors and Widowers, +qualified as before, according to their several Ranks and Qualities +taxed by Act of Parliament, they will pay into the Queen's <i>Exchequer</i>, +yearly, the Sum of two Millions five-hundred thousand Pounds Sterling, +which will be almost enough to defray the Charge of the War by Land and +Sea.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p> + +<p>The Reasonabless of the Act is plain, for that unmarried People are, as +it were, useless to the State; they are, like Drones in a Hive, reaping +the Advantage of other People's Labours; they have their Liberties and +Freedoms secured by the Loss of other Men's Lives, and do not, from +their own Loins, repair the native Strength of the Kingdom; they are not +so good as the Spider, which hangs in the Loom drawn from her own +Bowels: On the other Hand, it is reasonable to ease such in Taxes, as +have numerous Families to the Advantage of the Commonwealth; for these +are at daily Charge in Breeding up their Issue for the Defence and +Safety of the Kingdom.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> Your Notions are very good and proper; but how will you be +able to put them into Practice? I hope you will not solicit this Bill +yourself at the House of Commons; you ought to have some Way or other to +communicate it to some particular Member, that he may bring it in, as +his own, and get a good Reward for his Pains from the Court. Do not you +remember, Mrs. <i>Murray</i> told us, the other Day, how her Husband was +served about his Project of <i>Exchequer</i> Bills? They got it to +themselves, and did not give the honest Gentleman one Groat for his +Invention. Now, Madam, if you could make yourself a Portion by their +Making an Act, you would do very well, you would serve yourself and your +Country; but, if this Act passeth, I do not find, that you and I shall +be the better for it, for the Men are still left to the Liberty of +Chusing, and they will chuse for the best Portions; we are no nearer the +Marriage-bed, than before. Pray think of some compulsive Act, that may +inforce them to marry me and you.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> It will be very difficult to get a particular Clause in our +Favour, it will cost us, at least, our Maidenheads; and then, you know, +we need not much trouble our Heads about Matrimony, we need not shut the +Stable-door when the Steed is stolen. Pray, Madam, let me hear how you +would have it for your own Advantage? It is now your Turn to propose.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> Nature has made all Things on a Level: Our first Father made +no Jointure in Marriage, nor had our first Mother any Portion. <i>Adam</i> +was Lord, and <i>Eve</i> was Mistress of the Universe; and we ought to tread +in the Steps of our Lady Mother, and bring our Husband no more than what +Nature hath given us. Settlements and Portions never came into Custom, +till such Time as Murder and Rapine had entered the World, and Dowries +were first brought into Fashion by the Posterity of <i>Cain</i>. The hellish +Miser, which the other Day made so many Scruples about my Portion, Did +you not observe the Mark of <i>Cain</i> in his Forehead? The Match-brokers +look just like the wandering <i>Jews</i> in <i>England</i>, followed by the Curse +of God into all Countries where they come.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p><p>Now, it is an easy Matter for the Parliament of <i>England</i> to bring +Marriages on the same Level, as was designed at first by Nature. I will +propose how: Suppose every Gentleman of one-thousand Pounds <i>per Annum</i>, +was obliged to marry Gentlewomen of such Quality and Portion with +ourselves, and, if he would not marry at all, his Estate should become +forfeited to the Use of the Publick.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> That would be hard, to take away all a Man has in the World, +because he will not marry.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> We will then find a Medium: Suppose we build and endow them an +Alms-house with their own Money, where every one of them shall have a +convenient Apartment, with a Bed, and two Pair of Sheets, one Chair, one +Candlestick, a Chamber-pot, and Fire-Place, and some other cheap +Necessaries. We will allow them one Coat a Year, with a yellow Badge on +the Arm, as the Mark of a Batchelor; and every Ten of them shall have +one old Woman to wait upon them: They shall be chiefly fed with +Water-gruel, and Barley-broth; and, instead of Meat, they shall eat +Potatoes, <i>Jerusalem</i> Artichokes, Turnips, Carrots, and Parsnips; for +you know they come into that Hospital, because they do not love Flesh.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> Oh! fye Madam, fye upon you! that would use brisk young +Gentlemen at such a cruel Rate: This is downright Tyranny.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> I am sorry to see you so tender of those, who are so cruel to +our Sex: But here is no Cruelty at all in the Case; consider the Thing +rightly, Madam, and you will find it otherwise: We esteem it the highest +Charity to provide Alms-houses for the antient superannuated Poor, who +are past their Labour; now a Man that is not come to his Labour of +Generation, at twenty-five Years of Age, is certainly past it, and we +ought to reckon him as superannuated, and grown an old Boy, and not fit +to be trusted with what he has, as not knowing the Use and Benefit of +Riches.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> + +<p>What I say, in this Respect, is the common Practice of Mankind in Things +of another Nature: The Husbandman, if he has got a Tree in his Orchard, +that has grown a long Time, and has bore no Fruit, he cuts him down for +Fuel, and plants another in his Room: Why may we not do the same by the +human Batchelor Trees; especially, since they are grafted on so good +Stocks, and are so well watered and pruned? That is a very ill Sort of +Seed that will fructify in no Soil. It is the same Thing in Government; +a Batchelor is a useless Thing in the State, does but cumber the Ground, +and takes up the Room of a generous Plant, which would be of great +Advantage to the Commonwealth. I tell you, Madam, according to the Laws +of Nature and Reason, a Batchelor is a Minor, and ought to be under the +Government of the Parish in which he lives; for, though he be a +Housekeeper and for himself, as they call it, yet, having no Family, he +cannot be reckoned a good Commonwealth's-Man; and, if he is not a good +one, he is a bad one, which ought not to be suffered; nay, he is not a +perfect Man till such Time as he is married, for it is the Woman is the +Perfection of the Man.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> Madam, I know you are endowed with true <i>English</i> +Principles, pray consider, whether the Law you mention be not +destructive of <i>Magna Charta</i>, since, without Cause or Offence, it +deprives a Man of his Property, and takes from him the Estate which +legally descended to him from his Ancestors.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> Madam, I find you hold me to hard Meat, I must give Reasons +for the Passing of my Bill: I argue thus, A Person who has broken, and +forfeited his Right to the <i>Magna Charta</i> of Nature, ought to have no +Protection by the <i>Magna Charta</i> of <i>Englishmen</i>: I prove my Proportion +thus, A Batchelor of Age, as such, has broken the Laws of Nature: +Increase and Multiply is the Command of Nature, and of the God thereof; +now, having broken the Laws of Nature, he ought not to have any +Protection from the Laws of <i>England</i>, because such, as have Protection +by those Laws, do contribute to the Support of those Laws, which an +adult Batchelor does not do according to the Constitution of <i>Magna +Charta</i>: Our Fore-fathers purchased the Liberties of <i>Magna Charta</i>, with +the Hazard of Life and Limb; they sealed that Writing with the Blood of +themselves and their Children, and, after the same Manner those +Privileges were procured, must they be supported and maintained; now a +Batchelor contributes little or nothing to the Support of our Freedoms; +the Money he pays in Taxes is inconsiderable to the Supplies given by +others in Children, which are an Addition to the native Strength of the +Kingdom: Money is like the soft and easy Showers, which only cool and +moisten the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>Surface of the Earth; Children are like the soaking Rain +which goes to the Root, and makes Trees and Vegetables fructify for the +Use of Man: Indeed, my Dear, a Batchelor can, in no Sense, be esteemed a +good <i>Englishman</i>.</p> + +<p>From the Reasons aforesaid, I cannot think the Batchelors are injured by +my Bill. Acts of Parliament ought not to respect private Interests; they +are made for the Good of the Community, for the Advantage of the whole +People of <i>England</i>, and you shall seldom find any Act passed, but what +is to the Detriment of some particular Persons: We thought it no +Injustice to prohibit the Importation of <i>East-India</i> Silks, +notwithstanding the Detriment thereby accrued to that Company; and +perhaps put all the Ladies in Court and City into the Murligrubs. These +Things the good Parliament never considered, but passed the Bill in +Favour of the Multitude of Weavers in this Kingdom, who get Abundance of +Children for the Support of the Nation, and which must have starved, if +foreign Commodities had been imported to the Destruction of the Weaving +Trade. The Batchelors, that would come under this Statute, are but an +inconsiderable Number, compared with the aggregate Sum of the whole +Kingdom.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> Suppose, Madam, your Reasons should weigh with the House of +Commons: There is another Sort of Batchelors, that answer the End of +their Creation, and yet are not married; I mean such as multiply their +Species on Misses and Concubines, which, in plain <i>English</i>, are Whores: +Nay, they can content themselves to do it with their female Servants, +who serve under them for that Purpose; these will find a Way to creep +out, if you do not bind your Act very close.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> That is well thought on, upon my Virginity! It is true, these +are a dangerous Sort of Creatures; Concubinage and Whoring are grievous +Sins, both in the Sight of God and Man; and the Divine Laws, as also the +Laws of <i>England</i>, are very strict against such Offenders, and yet you +see they do find Holes to creep through and escape Punishment; but the +Law I propose will tie them fast: For, do but observe it, Madam, those +Laws are best executed, that bring Money into the <i>Exchequer</i>; every one +would be a Fisherman, if the Fishes came like St. <i>Peter</i>'s, with Money +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>in their Mouths: I dare engage, I will sooner get a Warrant to search +for prohibited uncustomed Goods, or to seize Brewer's Copper for +Non-payment of Excise, than I can prepare a Warrant to search a +Bawdy-house: Do but once make it appear, that Godliness is Gain, and I +will warrant you a thorough Reformation of Manners. Now my Act does this +Thing to a T; I make Men honest and virtuous, and, by doing so, I make +the Government rich, and ease the Subjects in the Burden of Taxes. And I +dare engage, if ever you see my Bill passed the Royal Assent, you will +find it well executed.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> That is according to the Honesty and Virtue of the +Commissioners and Assessors, appointed for that Purpose; if they are not +virtuous and honest, they may lessen your Tax, and cause a Deficiency. +This has been the Effect of letting Landed-men assess Landed-men, and +Tradesmen assess Stock; when, if a Tradesman had assessed Land, and a +Landed-man had assessed Trade, being so very different in Interest, they +would have raised the Fund to the Height. Therefore, my dear Sister, be +cautious in this Point, take my Advice, I am your <i>Senior</i>; let no old +Fornicator be an Assessor, Commissioner, or Collector of your Duty; he, +that has in his Time loved a Bit of old Hat, will be tender in Punishing +the Sin of his Youth; with him exclude all such as were Batchelors +before the Passing of the Act; they will suffer, nay, contrive a +Deficiency, that the Act may be repealed. In short, let none be +concerned in the Assessing or Collecting of this Duty, but such as have +many Years lived with their Wives in conjugal Chastity, and by them have +a very numerous Issue; these, I will warrant you, will take Care to +bring the utmost Penny into the <i>Exchequer</i>.—But, pray, how do you +design to punish such of this Sort of Batchelors, that will not comply +with your Act? I hope you will allow them a separate Maintenance; you +will build them an Alms-house also, will you not?</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> As the others are used like Fools and superannuated Persons, +so we will use these like Madmen. We will build them a convenient +Bedlam, wherein every one of them shall be chained about the Middle to a +Post, like a Monkey; we will feed them with low Diet, as the others, and +once a Month they shall be blooded and shaved. To aggravate their +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span>Crime, we will make every one of them a <i>Tantalus</i>, by bringing every +Day handsome Ladies before them, who shall laugh and jeer at them, and +then turn their Backs upon them.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> I protest, Madam, you are very cruel: Would you be willing +to be served so yourself?</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> Yes, Sister, when I refuse Matrimony upon good and equal +Terms: Pray, do they not do the same by us? Are not we daily presented +with the Sight of Batchelors of good Estates, who come to us under +Pretence of lawful Courtship, to prosecute an unlawful Amour? They come +to us like Butterflies to Flowers, to spit Maggots on us, and then leave +us to be devoured by Infamy and Scandal: There is no Punishment bad +enough for these Monsters of Men; I would fain have my Will upon them +one Way or other; either by Marrying them all out of hand, or by +Punishing them for Living single.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> I do indeed think a Levelling of Marriages is the most +reasonable Thing in the World; Mankind is on a Level in all Things but +this; one Man has Wit and wants Money; another has Money and wants Wit; +a third has Strength, and wants both Money and Wit; one is poor and +contented with his Condition; another has no Peace of Mind, nor +Satisfaction, amidst all his Riches, but is, amongst his Bags of Money, +as a Person in <i>Little Ease</i> or <i>Bridewell</i>; so that Nature seems to +have designed a Level, only we raise Mountains and Hills on Purpose to +deface the Works of Nature. But, Sister, here's one Thing yet to be +considered, that there are several young Gentlemen born to good +Fortunes, who would marry me or you; but they are kept from it by the +Advice of their Parents. Now, though I would have such punished as are +unmarried with good Estates in their own Possession, yet would I have +some Respect to those who would and cannot: There is Mr. ——, he often +gives me Visits, he loves my Company, his Eyes talk of Love, which is +more than his Tongue durst so much as mention; for he tells me, the +Beldam his Mother, and the old Curmudgeon his Father, have made a +Resolution, that he shall never marry but with a Woman of five-thousand +Pounds Fortune: But, says he, if they die, I'll marry where I please: +They may live a long Time, and, if I should stay for him, by <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span>that Time, +Beauty may have lost its Charm; and some younger <i>Phillis</i>, or other, +may interpose and get the Prize from me. For Love, Madam, is the most +fickle and changeable Thing in the World: My Wit will last as long as my +Virtue, and both these are not lessened but improved by Age. But did you +ever know a Man that loved a Woman for Virtue and Wit? No, there are +other Attractives which make so great a Sound in the World, that they +drown the low Voice of Virtue and Wit.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> I would have these old Folks, that hinder their Children from +Matrimony, as severely punished as the old Bachelors: The fabulous +Punishment of leading Apes in Hell is not enough; I would have them +punished even in this Life. I pray God send them some such Distemper as +the Pox; which, in this Life, is the Punishment of Adulterers and +Whore-mongers; Nay, sometimes they are caught and pay dear enough for +their Trifling with the Years of Youth, and not entering the Bounds of +Matrimony, till the Time of their Doatage. I will tell you a very pretty +and true Story:</p> + +<p>A certain Doctor of Divinity of the University, aged about sixty Years, +from the Profits of a good Benefice, and other comfortable Church +Emoluments, together with a thrifty Life, had acquired an Estate of +five-hundred Pounds <i>per Annum</i>; but the pious Churchman, being still +desirous of a larger Share of the good Things of this Life, thought of +Ways and Means of aggrandising his Fortune. No better Way could he think +on than Marriage; for, he having lived a Batchelor, and, by his +Industry, procured such an Estate, he thought his Spiritual and Temporal +Endowments deserved a considerable Fortune. After he had made many +Enquiries among his Friends and Acquaintance for a suitable Help-mate, +called a Wife, with a sufficient Quantity of Money, he pitched upon a +Justice of the Peace's Daughter, about ten Miles distant from his own +Habitation. The young Gentlewoman was about sixteen Years of Age, and +had ten-thousand Pounds Portion. Her Money made an Atonement for her +Want of Years, for the Bags and the Girl were just old enough for the +Doctor.</p> + +<p>As soon as the Doctor had Intelligence of this young Lady, he pursues +the Notion with all the Vehemence imaginable; and hereupon <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span>one Day at +Dinner he breaks Bulk to his Man <i>John</i>, and tells him of his Design of +Wedding, and orders him to get his Horse ready the next Morning early, +and likewise another for himself, to accompany him Part of the Way, +which he accordingly did; and, after <i>John</i> had travelled with him about +half Way, he was dismissed by the Doctor, who travelled on by himself +till within a Mile of the Justice's House, where seeing an old Hedger in +the Way, he asked him, If he knew Esquire—— He told him, Yes, he had +Reason so to do, for he had been his Servant above thirty Years; and +that he had married his Wife out of the Family, who was also an old +Servant of the 'Squire's. Well then, says the Doctor, you must needs +know his Daughter, Mrs. <i>Anne</i>. Yes, I think I do, says the Hedger, +she's a fine young Gentlewoman, and my Master can give her a Power of +Money: I will tell you what, Doctor, I understand Trap; I fancy you have +a Mind to Mrs. <i>Anne</i>. Why, replies the Doctor, What if I have; what +then? Why then, says the Hedger, my Master being a hugely rich Man, and my +Mistress a young Woman, he may think you both too old, and not rich +enough: And therefore, Doctor, if I might advise you, I would first have +you see how you like the Girl; it is good to look before you leap. Which +Way can I do that, quoth the Doctor? Oh, quoth the old Man, let me +alone, I can contrive that well enough. Hereupon the Doctor gives him a +Broad-piece, telling him, he found he could do him a Kindness; and that, +if he did it, he should never want, for he had five-hundred Pounds a +Year, besides Spiritual Preferments. Aye, says the old Man, I have often +heard of you. I do not question but we shall bring the Matter about: My +Master has a great Respect for the Church. Pray, Sir, go a little +farther to my House, and I will give you a Cup of the best, and some +good Bread and Cheese, and there we will consider farther of the Matter: +I will warrant we will contrive the Business well enough.</p> + +<p>With all my Heart, says the Doctor. Away goes the Doctor more freely +than to Church, and the Hedger as if he were going to the Wedding. When +they were come to the House, and eating the best it afforded; says the +Countryman, Master Doctor, if I could get Mistress <i>Anne</i> to my House, +Would <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span>not that do well? Rarely well, quoth the Doctor, if you can but +compass it: But does she ever come hither? Very often, says the old Man, +to see her old Servants. But how will you contrive it? says the Doctor. +Leave that to me, quoth the Hedger. Away goes the old Fellow, and enters +into Discourse with his Wife; says he to her, I am minded to put a Trick +upon the Doctor: The good Wife in a Passion replies, You S——, you old +Fool, you put a Trick on a great Man of the Church: Hold your Tongue, +Goody <i>Simpleton</i>, says the old Man; I find the great Doctors bred at +the Versity have no more Wit than we Country Folk: Get you gone +immediately to the 'Squire's, and take my Daughter <i>Joan</i> along with +you, and pray Mrs. <i>Anne</i> to dress her in her best Cloaths, for there is +a Gentleman at our House desires to see her in such a Habit. Now you +must understand their Daughter <i>Joan</i> was about the same Age and Stature +with Mrs. <i>Anne</i>, and had a great deal of Beauty, obscured by homely +Country Weeds, and she had by Nature a pretty Stock of the Mother, Wit +of the Knave her Father; away trudges the old Woman with <i>Joan</i> her +Daughter: Her Request was no sooner asked but granted, and <i>Joan</i> was +presently turned into a little Angel, by the Help of Mrs. <i>Anne</i>'s +Accoutrements. The Doctor, you may be sure, waited with much Impatience +all this While; sometimes in Hopes, and other times in Despair. But the +Hedger, standing with his Face towards the Way, at length espies his +Wife and Mrs. <i>Anne</i> (for that must be the Name of <i>Joan</i> at present) +coming towards the House; the old Man begs Leave of the Doctor to go and +meet Mrs. <i>Anne</i>, and conduct her to the House, which he did presently, +by running cross a Field; he made abundance of Scrapes and Cringes to +Madam <i>Anne</i>, with his Hat in his Hand, and then, stepping behind her +like a Footman, he followed her Home all the Way, instructing her how to +manage herself in this weighty Concern.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> + +<p>When they came to the House the Doctor receives her with abundance of +Ceremony; the Countryman also made some rustick Bows and Compliments, +and tells her, it was a great Favour in her Ladiship to come in a Visit +to her poor old Servants, and humbly intreats the Favour of her to sit +down; for, though the Gentleman present was a Stranger to her Ladiship, +he was a Person of Quality, a learned and rich Doctor of the Church, +who, in Humility, peculiar to the Clergy, had vouchsafed to give so poor +a Man as he a Visit. With much Coyness Madam <i>Anne</i> sits down, and, +having made a Bow from her Seat to the Doctor, she asked her old +Servants, how they did. The Doctor being smitten with the visible Part +of Mrs. <i>Anne</i>'s Portion, and ruminating on the invisible; the old Man +thought it was Time to retire, which he did, by leaving a Scrape or two +on the earthen Floor with his Foot.</p> + +<p>The Doctor had now what he came for, and to Work he goes; he had forgot +<i>Thomas Aquinas</i>, <i>Dunce Scotus</i>, and other unintelligible cramp +Authors. Philosophy signifies nothing in an Amour, and Logick of itself +is enough to curdle a Virgin's Milk; therefore the Doctor accosted her +with all the soft Expressions he could remember in <i>Ovid de Arte +Amandi</i>, which, the Learned say, is the only Way to know how to resolve +the difficult Questions in <i>Aristotle</i>'s Problems; and, the Girl having +Heat of Beauty enough at that Age to warm a <i>Stoick</i>, by the vehement +Attraction thereof the Doctor joined Countenances; but never did a poor +young Lady receive Kisses after a more modest and coy Manner; and well +might she blush at such an Exercise; for the poor Creature never smelt +Man before, and it was the first Time that ever she saw the Doctor.</p> + +<p>After the Doctor and Mrs. <i>Anne</i> had been above an Hour together, in +steps the old Man; the Girl she modestly retires, as well for +Instruction as to give an Account of how Things went; in the mean Time, the +old Man asks the Doctor how he liked the Lady, and what Encouragement +she gave him? The Doctor, being ravished with the visible and invisible +Qualifications of Mrs. <i>Anne</i>, expressed abundance of Satisfaction, and +how happy a Man he should be if he could obtain his Prize. Says the old +Man, At her again, Mr. Doctor, she is a brave good-humoured Lady, and I +told her sufficiently what you are: Says the Doctor, Prithee canst not +thou get us something good to eat and drink; here's Money, if thou +canst. Away goes the old Man, but first got Mrs. <i>Anne</i> into the Room +with the Doctor, which was done with many Intreaties, and performed with +a wonderful Modesty.</p> + +<p>We will leave the Doctor and Mrs. <i>Anne</i> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>hard at Work on the Anvil of +Courtships, whilst the old Woman and her Husband are getting Supper +ready, which they were so long about, that it grew late, and Mrs. <i>Anne</i> +was just going: The Doctor, you may be sure, intreated her to stay, and +the old Man and Woman solicited very hard on the same Account, telling +the Lady, that they had nothing worthy of her Acceptance, but the Honour +she would do them, now they had a great Doctor of the Church at their +House, would be very great. In short, they argued so much, that Mrs. +<i>Anne</i> was at length prevailed upon to stay; the old Man whispers the +Doctor, that he had kept Supper back on Purpose that he might have the +more of the young Lady's Company, and therefore advised him to make the +best Use of his Time. Certainly, never any young Lady made her Lover so +happy at the first Interview; to Work goes the Doctor, he courts like a +Dragon; with an irresistible Fury he lets fly whole Vollies of bombaste +Rhetorick at her Head, enough to beat a poor Country Girl's Brains out; +no Stone did he leave unturned, but persists in his Courtship, till +interrupted by the old Man's Bringing in the Supper, which, we may +imagine, could not be less than a couple of Cocks with Bacon, and it is +well, if the Fowls did not come out of the Squire's Coop, as well as the +Cloaths out of his Daughter's Wardrobe.</p> + +<p>Down sits the Doctor, having first placed Mrs. <i>Anne</i> at the upper End +of the Table, and, having said a short Grace, he desired the old Couple +to sit down, as did also Mrs. <i>Anne</i>; but they refused it, saying, They +should not be so impudent as to set at Table Chick by Chowle with a +great Doctor of the Church, and their Mrs. <i>Anne</i>, who agreed with the +Doctor to make them both sit down, which at last they did, in Conformity +to the Church and their Mistress; and so they all fell heartily to +Pecking till they had consumed the whole Provision.</p> + +<p>Supper being over, the old Man asks his Wife in the next Room, what Time +of Night it was; the old Woman replied, it was past Eight of the Clock; +at which, the old Man fell into a violent Passion, and scolded horribly +at his Wife, for not taking Notice how the Time went away. The Doctor, +hearing this Combustion, comes to know the Meaning of it: The old Man +tells him, he is undone for <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span>ever; he has kept Mrs. <i>Anne</i> here so late +that she is locked out of Doors, her Family being always in Bed by Eight +of the Clock, and that, on this Account, the 'Squire will turn him out +of his Service, by which he got his Livelihood. The Doctor pacifies him, +by telling him, that, since this Thing must happen on his Account, he +nor his Wife should never want as long as he lived. Well, says the old +Man, Mr. Doctor, since you are such a charitable Man, I will put you in +a Way to do your Business at once; if you should apply yourself to the +'Squire, he will hardly be brought to Terms; for, though you have a good +Estate, yet I know the 'Squire will marry my Mistress to a young Man; +and seeing you have now a fair Opportunity, having the Night before you, +try to get her Consent, and take her away with you by Three or Four in +the Morning to some Parson of your Acquaintance, and marry her: My +Master will be soon reconciled, for he has no other Child to inherit his +Estate. A good Thought, says the Doctor, and I will try what can be done +in the Case.</p> + +<p>You may be sure, Madam, now the Doctor attacks the Lady with all the +Fury imaginable; the Silence of the Night and Want of Sleep, as I have +heard those skilled in Love Affairs say, are great Advantages to an +invading Lover; these are the best Times in which to storm a Lady's +Fortress: This, I suppose, the Doctor well enough knew, and therefore +carried on the Siege with Vigour, and, before Three in the Morning, the +young Lady had capitulated, and surrendered upon Articles; which the +Doctor tells the old Man of with abundance of Pleasure, who, you may be +sure, bids the Doctor Joy: The Doctor desires the old Man to get him a +Pillion, which, indeed, the old Man had before provided; and away goes +the Doctor and his Lady, and were that Day married.</p> + +<p>The Doctor did not stay long at the Place of Marriage, but privately +returns to his own House, where he acquainted some of his Friends of his +Enterprise, who highly applauded his Ingenuity; but he enjoined them all +to Secrecy for some Time. The Doctor daily expected a Hue and Cry after +Mrs. <i>Anne</i>; but, hearing nothing of it, he concluded the Servants had +some how or other concealed the Story from her Father; but his Friends +advised him by all Means to go to the Justice, and acquaint him with +what he had done with his Daughter, and beg his Pardon for so doing, as +a Means of Reconciliation. +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p> + +<p>The Doctor understanding the Justices of the Peace were to meet that Day +about some particular Business in the Town; he went to enquire for the +Justice, whom he only knew by Sight, and the Justice had no other +Knowledge of the Doctor. The Doctor, in his best <i>Pontificalibus</i>'s, +comes to the Place of Meeting, which was an Inn, and asks the Drawer, +whether Esquire —— was there; who answered, he was: He bids him shew +him a Room, and go tell the Esquire, that Doctor —— desired to speak +with him; the Esquire desires the Doctor to come to him and the rest of +the Gentlemen, they having at that Juncture no Business before them; but +the Doctor sends Word again that his Business was private, and he +heartily intreated the Esquire to come to him, upon which the Esquire +comes: The Doctor he falls on his Knees, and begs his Pardon; the +Esquire was surprised, as knowing nothing of the Matter, and, being +unwilling to be homaged by the Church, he desires the Doctor to rise, or +otherwise he would talk no farther with him; the Doctor refused to do it +till such Time as he had his Pardon: The Esquire, knowing of no Offence, +freely gave him a Pardon; which done, the Doctor arises, telling him, he +was sorry that one in his Coat should be guilty of such a Crime: The +Esquire, being still in the Dark, replied, he knew no Crime he was +guilty of: Sir, says the Doctor, I have married your Daughter: Married +my Daughter, says the Esquire, you are certainly mistaken, Doctor. It is +certainly true, says the Doctor. Says the Esquire in a great Passion, +How long have you been married to my Daughter? I have lain with her +these three Nights, says the Doctor: Says the Esquire, you are strangely +mistaken, Doctor, for I left my Daughter at Home this Morning. Says the +Doctor, you are strangely imposed upon by your Servants, therefore be so +kind as to go to my House and see your Daughter, who is there at this +present. The Esquire, in an odd Sort of Confusion, goes along with him +to the House, and, being conducted into the Parlour where Madam sat in +State on her Couch, the Esquire burst out into a Fit of Laughter, and, +going to the Lady, salutes her, and wishes her much Joy, and then told +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span>the Doctor the Mistake; for, says he, this Lady is my Servant +—— the Hedger's Daughter <i>Joan</i>, dressed in my Daughter's Cloaths. The Doctor, +being astonished for some Time, recovers himself, comes up to her, takes +her in his Arms, and, kissing her, says, If thou art <i>Joan</i>, I will love +thee as well as if thou hadst been Mrs. <i>Anne</i>. And, for aught I know, +she made him as good a Wife; for, though she perfectly kidnapped the old +Child, yet they lived very comfortably together.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> I can nick your Story with one of a Clergyman, that was as +indifferent about a Portion as yours was curious. Mr. <i>G——</i>, a +Minister in <i>Suffolk</i>, and of a considerable Estate, lived without +Thoughts of Marriage, till the Age of fifty Years; at which Time one of +his Parishioners put him in Thoughts of Matrimony. He said he had been +so intent on his Studies, that he never thought of a Wife; but that now, +if he could find out a good one, he would marry. The Gentleman told him, +such a Person about twelve Miles off had three Daughters, either of +which would make him a good Wife, but their Fortunes were but small; the +Parson said, he knew the Gentleman very well, but did not know he had +any Daughters; and, as for Money, that was a Thing he did not value. The +Parson in a short Time gives the Gentleman a Visit, who made him very +welcome, not knowing the Design of his Coming; but the Parson told him, +that he heard he had three Daughters, and one of them would make him a +good Wife. The Gentleman replied, he had three Daughters, and that he +hoped they would prove to the Satisfaction of any Person who should +marry them, and told him either of them was at his Service: The Parson +said, they were all alike to him; but, since it was usual to marry the +Eldest first, he would take her; the Gentleman replied with all his +Heart. Upon which the eldest Daughter was called in. The Parson, sitting +in his Chair, and smoaking his Pipe, told her, he had heard she would +make him a good Wife: The young Lady, surprised, told him, she did not +know that, but did believe she should be a good Wife to any one that +should marry her. The Parson put the grand Question, Whether she would +have him? She told him, Matrimony was a Thing of that Moment, as +required a great deal of Consideration, and not to be so speedily +determined. He told her, his Studies would not allow him a long +Courtship; and, pulling out his Watch, laid it on the Table, and told +her, he would give her an Hour's Time to consider of it. Away goes the +Girl, but, believing it to be a Banter, she thought very little on that +Subject; the Parson having looked on his Watch, and finding the Hour was +gone, he desired the young Lady might be again called in: When she came, +the Parson shewed her the Watch, telling her the Hour was past, and that +he hoped she had considered of what he had spoke to her about; she told +him, that, it being a Matter of such great Consequence, it required a +much longer Time than he had set for that Purpose: The Parson hereupon +began to fret, and told her further, He found she would not have him, +and therefore he desired his Horse to be brought out, for he would be +going Homewards. The Gentleman pressed him to continue longer; +withall, telling him, though the Eldest required so much Time for +Consideration, perhaps the Second might not.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p><p>The Parson was hereby prevailed upon to smoak another Pipe, and the +Second Daughter was brought in, to whom he carried himself as to the +former, and also allowed her an Hour's Time to consider of it. You may +be sure, during this Time, the Father and Mother worked the Girl to say, +Yes, as plain as if she had been in the Church: The Time being elapsed, +the Parson was impatient to go Home, Wife or no Wife, he was so +indifferent. The Girl was now called in, and the Parson asked her, +Whether she had considered of the Matter? She answered, Yes. Then will +you have me? She answers, Yes. Very well then, says the Parson to the +Father, all is done but Matrimony; and when shall that be? When you +please, says the Father. Then, says the Parson, let it be on <i>Tuesday</i> +next. But, says the Father, who shall get the Licence? I will take Care +of that, says the Parson; and so, taking Leave of the Father, away he +goes. When he had gone about three or four Miles, and thinking of the +Licence, he remembered he had not taken his Wife's Christian Name, and +so he rode back again as hard as he could drive, and, riding up to the +House, he found the eldest Daughter standing at the Door, so he asked +her what was her Christian Name? She told him; he bid her a Good-Night, +and away he goes.</p> + +<p>The Day being come, and the Licence being got ready, the Parson comes to +fetch his Wife; away goes the Father with him, and his three Daughters, +and two or three other Relations, to the Church, where the Parson and +Clerk were ready to make Matrimonial Execution: The Parson asked the +Father and Parson <i>G——</i>, which of the Daughters was to be married; +they answered the second Daughter; but the Parson told them the first +Daughter's Name was in the Licence, and therefore he could not marry +them till they had got another Licence. Parson <i>G——</i> +told them, he could not defer it any longer, and therefore he would be dispatched +somehow or other, and told them it was all one to him which of them he +had, and so he goes to the Eldest, and asks her whether she would have +him? And she, having better considered of the Point, answered Yes, and +so they were married.</p> + +<p>From Church they went Home to her Father's House, where, having dined, +he tells his Wife she must put up such Things as she designed to carry +Home with her, for he would quickly be going Homewards: The Relations +begged of him to stay all Night, and bed his Wife at her Father's House, +it being the usual Custom so to do; he told them, he would lie no where +but at his own House, and that he would be going presently. The +Relations finding no Arguments would prevail upon him to tarry, they got +Mrs. <i>Bride</i> ready; and the Parson, coming to the Door, espied several +Horses ready saddled and bridled; he asked, what the Meaning of those +Horses Was? They told him, for some of his Wife's Relations, to +accompany him Home; he said, no Body should go along with him but his +Wife; and so they were forced to stable their Horses, and let the +married Couple go Home by themselves.</p> + +<p>When they came Home, he conducted her into the House, and saluted her, +which was the first Time; and, after he had bid her Welcome, and they +had sat about Half an Hour, the Parson calls the old Maid, and bids her +bring the Spinning wheel, and told his Wife, he did not doubt but she +was a good Housewife, and knew how to make Use of that Instrument: She +told him, Yes; then he tells her, he did expect she would work while he +was at Work, and no longer; so away goes he to his <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span>Study, and Mrs. +<i>Bride</i> to Working with the Whirling-engine; about an Hour after he +comes down and tells her, now she must leave Work, and bids the old Maid +get Supper ready. After they had supped, he goes into his Study, and she +to her Spinning-wheel; when he returns again from his Study, he tells +her, now she must leave Work; after a short Discourse, he went to +Prayers with the Family, and then orders the old Maid to light her +Mistress up Stairs, and put her to Bed.</p> + +<p>Away goes Madam <i>Bride</i> to Bed, without any Ceremony of eating +Sack-posset, or throwing the Stocking; and, as soon as she was in Bed, +in comes the Parson, and to Bed goes he; but, sitting up in it, he bids +the Maid bring him the little Table, a great Candle, and such a Book +from the Study, which she did, and the Parson went to his Reading; upon +which, the Bride calls to the Maid: The Parson asked her, what she +wanted? She told him, Something: The Maid coming, he bid her speak to +her Mistress, who bids her bring up the Spinning-wheel, and a great +Candle in the long Candlestick, which the Maid having done, Mrs. <i>Bride</i> +went to Whirling it about as hard as ever she could drive; at which the +Parson could hardly forbear Bursting out into Laughter, and, finding +that Spinning and Reading did not agree well together, he put out his +Candle, and laid him down in Bed like a good Husband.</p> + +<p>The next Morning he told her, that he found her a Wife of a suitable +Temper to himself, and that, for the Future, she might work or play when +she pleased; that he left all his temporal Concerns to her Management, +and they lived a very happy Couple together, till Death parted them.</p> + +<p>This, Madam, is indeed a very comical Story; however, the young Woman +got a good Husband by the Bargain: Humours are indeed very uneasy +Companions, but the whole Course of human Life is attended with Mixtures +of Pleasure and Pain, and it is but common Prudence for us to overlook a +few Impertinences, rather than lose the most necessary Comforts of Life. +We have all of us our Whims and Humours in Relation to Matrimony; +sometimes they abound in the Parents, and sometimes in the Children, +sometimes in the Husband, sometimes in the Wife; for my Part I do not +know who is clear of them. <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span>We are now fallen into the Humour of telling +Stories under this green Bower, as if we were in a Chimney-corner at +<i>Christmas</i>, which is a Sort of Impertinence, pardonable in those who +have Nothing to do but pass away their Time in Tattle, and Reading of +Books; however, it is more commendable than to gossip, as the <i>London</i> +Ladies do, over Sack and Walnuts, cool Tankards, and cold Tea, and all +the Time rail at their Husbands for being at the Tavern; I will +propagate the Humour we are fallen into, by telling you a true Story of +a miserly old Humourist.</p> + +<p>A certain Country Gentleman of about one-thousand Pounds <i>per Annum</i>, +having buried his Wife and all his Children, took a Brother's Son into +the House, as his Heir, and gave him the best Education that Country +would afford; the Boy being a Youth of clean Parts, and good Ingenuity, +he improved to an extraordinary Degree in so barren a Soil, and so very +dutiful withal, that the old Man perfectly doated on him, and was uneasy +when he was out of his Company. When he came to Years of Maturity, was +grown ripe, and ready to be shaken into the Matrimonial Bed, the old +Gentleman asked him, Whether he was inclined to marry? The young Man, +with an unwilling Modesty, told him, what he pleased; he wholly referred +that, and every Thing else relating to himself, to his Care, thinking +himself always happy and safe under his Conduct. Says the old Cuff, Thou +hast been a very dutiful Child to me, and therefore, says he, I am +willing to please thee: Shall I look thee out a Wife? The young Man (who +without Doubt would have been better pleased to have looked out a Wife +for himself) answered, With all his Heart.</p> + +<p>The old Gentleman looks out accordingly, and, being well known in the +Country, was not long in Pursuit of a Wife for his Nephew, which +happened to be a Gentleman's Daughter about ten Miles distant from his +own Habitation: The two old People discoursed the Matter, and came to +this Resolution, That the two young ones should have an Interview, and +see how they liked one another. Home comes the old Man, and acquainted +his Nephew that he had pitched upon a Wife for him, one of Mr. ——'s +Daughters, who were all of them virtuous young Women, and every Way +suitable to his Quality and Circumstances; <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span>although their Portions were +but small, their Father having met with many Misfortunes, yet the +Virtues inherent in them rendered them equal to himself. The young Man +returned him Abundance of Thanks, and did not, in the least, question +the Prudence of his Choice.</p> + +<p>Now was the young Man to have an Interview with Mrs. <i>Bride</i> elect, and +his Uncle retired into Consultation with himself, how to equip his +Nephew for that Enterprise; at first, he determined to send to <i>London</i> +to have him a new Suit of Cloaths made, that he might appear like a +Courtier; but, upon second Thoughts, and to save his Money, he told him, +he could better provide for him at Home; for, says he, you are just of +my Size, and I have above Stairs, in the Press, all my Wedding-cloaths, +which were the best I could lay my Hands on, both for the Fineness of +the Cloth, and the Silk Lining: I am sure they are so good, that I never +wore them above four or five Times in all my Life, and they are never +the worse for Wearing: I will assure thee, if I had not a great Respect +for thee, thou shouldest never have them: What sayest thou, Child, wilt +thou try them on? With all my Heart, replied the young Spark; up goes +the old Man and brings them down, he puts them on, and they fitted +exactly. The Coat-sleeves were gloriously cut and slashed, small Buttons +on the Coat, a little bigger than Pease; the Pockets about a Handful +below the Knees, the Breeches were open-kneed, a great Deal wider than a +<i>Flanderkin</i>'s Trousers, hung all around with Abundance of little +Ribbons; the old Gentleman asked him how he liked them? Very well, Sir, +replies the Spark. Now, says the old Man, for a Hat; I have a special +Beaver I bought along with these Cloaths, which he also produced; it had +a Crown as high, and in Form of a Sugar-loaf, with Brims as broad as a +Tea-table; the young Gentleman thanked him heartily for it also. Now, +says the old Cuff, there is Nothing wanting but a Pair of Boots, which I +have by me, and which being brought, the young Spark tried them on, and +they fitted exactly; they were of a Russet Colour with white Tops: Pray, +says the old Man, take great Care of these Boots, it is wet Weather and +may spoil them, therefore I would advise thee to twist some Hay-bands +about them for their Security, and, when you come near the House, pull +them <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span>off, and then they will be neat and clean as they were at my +Wedding: But one Thing I had almost forgot, Hast thou got any Money? Not +one Penny, replied the Spark; Well thought on, says his Uncle, Courtship +is chargeable, here is Half a Crown, pray make good Use of it. The young +Gentleman, thus equipped, looked like one of Queen <i>Elisabeth</i>'s +Courtiers come from the Dead, or, like Snow on the Grass and Trees about +<i>Midsummer</i>; but what would one not undergo for a good Wife or Husband?</p> + +<p>The young Man gets up early the next Morning, and having resumed his +former Accoutrements, and mounting on the Outside of his Uncle's best +Palfrey, away he trots in Pursuit of his Lady; you may be sure the +People gazed, and the Dogs barked sufficiently on the Road at this human +Scarecrow on Horseback; but the Worst of it was, as he came within +Bow-shot of his Mistress's Tabernacle, the young Lady was looking out at +the Window, and espying such a Figure, she called her other two Sisters, +and told them that Merry <i>Andrew</i> was coming, which put them into a +great Fit of Laughter, till, approaching nearer, one of them cries out, +It is Mr. ——'s Nephew, and, knowing his Business, they sent a Man to +take his Horse, and their Father and Mother received him very genteelly +at the Door, and ushered him into the House.</p> + +<p>But, as if Fate had ordained that the poor Spark should be exposed in +his antiquated Habiliments, it so happened that Day there was an +Invitation of Gentlemen and Ladies to Dinner at the House; when Dinner +was ready and set on the Table, the young Spark was conducted from +another Room to the rest of the Guests; no sooner had he set his Foot on +the Threshold, but the Eyes of the whole Company were upon him; one +sneared, another tittered, a third laughed outright, no Body knowing the +Meaning of this odd Dress; so that indeed he was the Scaramouch of the +Company, but by that Time they had feasted their Eyes on him, and filled +their Stomachs with the Victuals, they found the Spark was very modest +and ingenious, and that his good Humour and Eloquence was more agreeable +to their Ears and Minds, than his Habit to their Eyes; and, by his +Ogling one of the Ladies more than the rest, they guessed at his Design; +and being unwilling to cramp Love in its Embryo, after Dinner they all +withdrew, and left that Lady and the Spark together.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> + +<p>The Spark immediately takes the Opportunity to apologise for his Garb, +and told her how necessary it was for him to please his Uncle's Humour +in the Thing, which, though it made him ridiculous to the Company, he +hoped would not lessen her Esteem of his Person: The young Lady (who +knew she was to marry the Man, and not the Cloaths) told him, it was not +the Garb she looked at, but she had more Respect to his other +Accomplishments; and at this Rate they went on in Discourse of Love and +Matrimony for about two Hours.</p> + +<p>The Lady then thinking it uncivil any longer to withdraw herself, or +detain the Gentleman from the rest of the Company, she desired him to go +into the next Apartment, and take a Game at Cards with the young Ladies; +the Spark, knowing the Weakness of his Pocket, desired heartily to be +excused, but, being pressed by one he could in no wise refuse, he was at +last forced to give her the grand Argument, by making known to her his +<i>Job</i>'s Condition; she, understanding the Humour of his Uncle, guessed +the Money might as well be wanting as new Cloaths, and she desired his +Patience for a Minute or two, whilst she stepped out about a little +Business, which she did, and returns presently with a Purse of five +Pounds, desiring him to make Use of it. Upon which he waits upon her +into the next Room, where he played at Cards with the rest of the +Company, sometimes won, sometimes lost, but always pleased the Company +to Admiration, so that they all thought his Mistress extremely happy in +having so ingenious and good-humoured a Lover, though in an antiquated +Dress.</p> + +<p>To make short of my Story, he tarried with his Lady a full Fortnight, +and in that Time got her Consent, and the Consent of her Parents, and +returns Home to his Uncle with this joyful News, which extremely pleased +the old Gentleman; but he took Care to tell the old Man, that, according +to his own Words, he had found indeed that Courtship was chargeable, for +that he had spent Eighteen-pence of the Half-crown he gave him, and, +putting his Hand in his Pocket, he gave his Uncle the remaining +Shilling. Well, Child, says the Uncle, I commend thy Prudence and +Frugality, I find thou art to be trusted with Money and any Thing else, +and therefore I will settle <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span>Five hundred a Year upon thee in Marriage; +and giving him a good Sum of Money to buy him such Wedding-cloaths as he +should best like, the Marriage was soon after solemnised to the +Satisfaction both of Old and Young; they were a happy Pair, and the old +Man, dying some Years after, left them the Remainder of his Estate, +which made an Addition to their Happiness.</p> + +<p><i>Politica.</i> Truly, Madam, the young Gentleman was enough ingenious; had +he been cross, and not pleased his Uncle's Humours, he would have been +disinherited, though I must confess, it is hard to render ourselves +ridiculous to a Degree of Folly, to please an old Humourist. But what is +not sinful can never be shameful, and how unpleasant soever our Actions +are in the Sight of Men, if they are otherwise in the Sight of God, it +is no Matter: A good Estate and Virtue make a Man beautiful in any Garb. +I believe I could conform myself to the Humours of the greatest +Caprichio, were I afterwards to be as happy as the young Lady you have +mentioned; we must all of us suffer some Way or other in our Pupillage: +The Apprentice serves out his Time with Chearfulness, in Expectation of +being his own Man at the seven Years End. Future Ease is a great +Encouragement to present Labour. But I know many young Men and Women are +ruined by the unaccountable Humours of their Parents and Governors, and +take such wicked Courses, that they are seldom or never reclaimed, +especially Women, who have once broken through the Bounds of Chastity. +It is a common Proverb amongst the Men, that, <i>Once a Whore and always a +Whore</i>. Though I have known this Proverb crossed; and, to level and make +our Stories even as we would do Marriages, I shall give you an Account +after what Manner:</p> + +<p>A Country Gentleman, who was a Justice of the Peace in the County of +<i>R——</i>, not having been in <i>London</i> in his Life, or at least, not for a +long Time, being in Conversation with some of his Friends, heard them +speak of the Practice of lewd Women, in picking Men up in the Streets. +The Gentleman, being a Stranger to this abominable Practice, could not +believe any Women could be so impudent, as they reported them to be; but +they told him, he might experience the Contrary any Evening when he +pleased. The Gentleman <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>was resolved to make the Experiment, and one +Evening in <i>Fleetstreet</i> he takes Notice of a very pretty Gentlewoman, +which eyed him very narrowly, whereupon he asked her to drink a Glass of +Wine; she agreed at the first Word, and went with him to the next +Tavern.</p> + +<p>When the Gentleman and his Doxy were seated in a Room, and had some Wine +brought them, they drank very civilly one to the other; but Miss +expected to be attacked, after another Sort of Manner than she found by +the Gentleman: For he asked her, how long she had continued that Trade; +she told him, as they all do, but a very short Time; then he continues, +how can you dare to live in Rebellion both against the Laws of God and +Man, and impudently pursue Methods to destroy both your Body, and your +immortal Soul? In short, he read her such a Lecture, that she, not being +hardened in Sin as are the Generality of those Miscreants, burst out +into a Flood of Tears, and told him, that it was not without a wonderful +Remorse of Conscience she followed that wicked Course of Life, and +protested to him, that it was pure Necessity obliged her to it, for +otherwise she could not get a Subsistence. The Gentleman asked her +further, How she came first to be debauched? She told him her Father was +a Country Gentleman, who had extravagantly spent a plentiful Estate, and +then dying, left her to the wide World unprovided for: She thought +<i>London</i> was the best Place to get her a Livelihood in, and thither she +came, but very unfortunately fell into the Hands of a lewd Woman, who +betrayed her to the Lust of a Gentleman, who was no more than once +concerned with her, and then advised her to ply the Streets; and, that +he himself was the first Person that ever had picked her up.</p> + +<p>The Gentleman told her, it was hard to believe Persons who had been +guilty of such heinous Crimes, and very heartily admonished her to +forsake her evil Practices, to repent of what she had already done, and +to amend her Life for the Future; she gave him many Thanks for his good +Advice, and told him, she should think herself a very happy Person, if +either he, or any one else, would put her in a Way to live otherwise; he +told her, if she would resolve to amend for the Future, he would take +Care to provide for her; she promised him, with all the Asseverations +imaginable, that she would: Whereupon he told her, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>that she should meet +him the next Day at a certain Time and Place; she coming according to +Appointment, he put her into a Lodging he had provided, and being well +assured of her Repentance and Sincerity, and finding her an accomplished +Gentlewoman, soon after married her; and she made him a chaste and happy +Wife, and he lived as happily with her, as if she had been possessed of +a Portion of Thousands of Pounds.</p> + +<p><i>Sophia.</i> If I had here a Bottle of Wine, I would drink that Gentleman's +Health; he, under God, saved the Body and Soul of that poor Creature, +and made a Saint, by taking a Sinner to his Bed. I cannot chuse but +reflect on our Discourse, how naturally we have fallen from the +Discourse of Matrimony, to Love Stories; we have talked away the Time, +as Children cry themselves asleep. But we must be gone, the Sun is just +down, and we shall be wanted at Supper.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<div class="notebox"> +<p><b>Transcriber's Note:</b> This extract and the Mundus Foppensis were both +included in a book published by the Augustan Reprint Society in 1992, +with the title cover as shown below. There are a number of words spelt differently from +spelling used today. Some words have been changed. They +are japan to Japan, Sweet-meets to Sweet-meats, sollicit to solicit, and +hugy to hugely.</p></div> + +<p><br /> +<br /></p> + + + +<p class="center">THE<br /></p> +<h1>Harleian Miscellany:</h1> +<p class="center"><small>OR, A</small><br /></p> +<p class="center">COLLECTION<br /></p> +<p class="center"><small>OF</small><br /></p> +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Scarce, Curious,</span> and <span class="smcap">Entertaining</span><br /></p> +<p class="center">PAMPHLETS and TRACTS,<br /></p> +<p class="center"><small>As well in Manuscript as in Print,</small><br /></p> +<p class="center"><small>Found in the late</small><br /></p> +<p class="center">EARL of <i>OXFORD</i>'s LIBRARY.<br /></p> +<p class="center"><small>INTERSPERSED</small><br /></p> +<p class="center">With <span class="smcap">Historical, Political</span>, and <span class="smcap">Critical Notes.</span><br /></p> +<p class="center">WITH<br /></p> +<p class="center">A Table of the <span class="smcap">Contents</span>. +<br /></p> +<hr class="chap" /> +<p class="center">VOL. V.</p> +<hr class="chap" /> +<p class="center"><i>LONDON:</i></p> +<p class="center">Printed for <i>T. Osborne</i>, in <i>Gray</i>'s-<i>Inn</i>. <span class="smcap">Mdccxlv.</span></p> + +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="pg" /> + +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LEVELLERS***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 39478-h.txt or 39478-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/9/4/7/39478">http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/4/7/39478</a></p> +<p> +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p> +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Levellers + A Dialogue Between Two Young Ladies, Concerning Matrimony, Proposing an Act for Enforcing Marriage, for the Equality of Matches, and Taxing Single Persons + + +Author: Anonymous + + + +Release Date: April 18, 2012 [eBook #39478] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LEVELLERS*** + + +E-text prepared by Colin Bell, Sue Fleming, Joseph Cooper, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Transcriber's note: + + Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_). + + + + + +An Augustan Reprint + +AN EXTRACT OF + +THE HARLEIAN MISCELLANY + + +Found in the late +EARL of _OXFORD_'s LIBRARY. + + +The Levellers Movement + +AUTHOR: ANONYMOUS + +PUBLISHED IN 1745 + + +The Levellers: A Dialogue between two young Ladies, concerning +Matrimony, proposing an Act for Enforcing Marriage, for the +Equality of Matches, and Taxing single Persons. With the Danger +of Celibacy to a Nation. Dedicated to a Member of Parliament. +_London,_ Printed and Sold by _J. How_, at the _Seven Stars_ +in _Talbot-Court_, in _Grace-church-street_, 1703. _Quarto_, +containing thirty-two Pages. + + +An Epistle to a Member of Parliament. + + Honoured Sir, + + _Our Fore-fathers, if not now in Being, have passed an Act, + prohibiting the Importation of Foreign, and for the Encouragement + of the Breed of English Cattle, which, I am told, has much raised + the Price of Land in_ England. _With Submission to your better + Judgment, I think, An Act, for Increasing the Breed of_ Englishmen, + _would be far more advantageous to the Realm. Some say, That our + Ships are the Walls of our Island; but I say, Our Men are the + Walls, the Bulwarks, and Fortresses of our Country. You can have no + Navies, nor Armies, without Men; and, like prudent Farmers, we + ought always to keep our Land well stocked._ England _never + prospered by the Importation of Foreigners, nor have we any Need of + them, when we can raise a Breed of our own_. + + _What you have here presented, is a Discourse of two young Ladies, + who, you find, are very willing to comply with such an Act, and are + ready to go to Work for the Good of their Country, as soon as they + shall have a legal Authority; of which, if you are the happy + Instrument, you will have the Blessing of ten-thousand Damsels, and + the Thanks of_ + + Your humble Servant, + + _POLITICA._ + + + + +_Politica_ and _Sophia_, two young Ladies of great Beauty and Wit, +having taken Lodgings together, this Summer, in the Country, diverted +themselves in the Evenings by walking to a certain Shadow, which they +might justly call their own, being frequented by none but themselves and +the harmonious Society of the Wood. Here they consumed the happy +Minutes, not in idle Chat peculiar to the Ladies of the Court and City; +they did not dispute the Manner of Dressing, the Beauties and Foil of +the Commode and Top-knot, nor the Laws and Administration of the +Attiring-room. They talked of nobler Subjects, of the Beauty and +wonderful Creation of Almighty God, and of the Nature of Man, the Lord +of the Universe, and of the whole Dominions of Nature. Pity it is we +cannot procure all that these Ladies have so privately, as they thought, +discoursed; but we are very happy in having what follows, which came to +our Knowledge by a mere Accident. A Gentleman, lodging in the +Neighbourhood, one Evening, taking a Walk for his Recreation, haply laid +himself down behind a Hedge, near the very Shadow frequented by these +Ladies; he had not lain long, before these Angels appeared at a +Distance, and he, peeping through the Boughs (which served as a +Telescope to bring the divine Objects nearer his View) was extremely +ravished with their Beauty; but, alas! What was the Beauty of their +Faces to that of their Minds, discovered to this happy Man by the soft +and charming Eloquence of their Tongues? And no Man in the World was +better qualified to give an Account of this noble Dialogue, than this +Person, he being an accurate Short-hand Writer, and had been Pupil to +Mr. _Blainey_ in that Science, and very happily had, at that Time, Pen, +Ink, and Paper about him; he heard with Amazement their Discourse on +common Affairs, but, when the charming _Sophia_ had fixed on a Subject, +he began to write as follows: + +_Sophia._ My dear Sister, How happy are we in this blessed Retirement, +free from the Hurry of the noisy Town! Here we can contemplate on the +Wonders of Nature, and on the Wisdom of the great Founder of the +Universe. Do you see how the Leaves of this Thicket are grown, since we +first retired to its Shadow? It now affords us a sufficient Shelter +from the Heat of the Sun, from Storms, and Rain; see yonder Shrub, what +Abundance of Cyons sprout from its Root? See yonder Ewes, with their +pretty Lambs skipping and dancing by their Sides. How careful is Nature +to propagate every Part of the Handywork of the Almighty! But you and I, +my _Politica_, are useless Creatures, not answering the End of our +Creation in the Propagation of our Species, for which, next the Service +of our Creator, we came into the World. This is our Sin, and we ought to +be Transgressors no longer. + +_Politica._ Every Creature desires to propagate its Species, and Nature +dictates to every Part of the Creation the Manner of doing it. The brute +Beasts are subservient to this Law, and wholly answer the End of their +Creation: Now there is the same Desire in Mankind; but we, who are +endowed with noble Faculties, and who have Countenances erected to +behold the Wonders of God in the Firmament of Heaven, look so far into +the Earth, that we sink beneath the Dignity of Beasts. In being averse +to Generation, we offer Violence to the Laws of God and Nature imprinted +on our Minds. What _she_ can say, that Nature does not prompt her to the +Propagation of her Species? Which, indeed, is one Argument of the +Immortality of the Soul; for the rational Faculties concur with the +Dictates of Nature in this Point. We are, as it were, immortal upon +Earth, in our surviving Children. It is a Sort of Hyperbole, but it is +as near Truth as possibly can be. We are all of us desirous of Life; +and, since, being mortal, we cannot for ever inhabit this glorious +World, we are willing to leave our Children in Possession. + +I cannot agree with you, Madam, that it is our Fault we do not propagate +our Species, at least, I am sure, it is none of mine; I am young, and +healthy, and beautiful enough, and Nature daily tells me what Work I +ought to do; the Laws of God circumscribe the Doing of it; and yet, +notwithstanding my Conformity to both, you know, my Circumstances will +not admit of Marriage. + +_Sophia._ The Impulse of Nature in me, in that Respect, is as great as +it can be in you, but still under the Regulations of the strictest Rules +of Virtue. The End of our Creation might be better answered, were not +the matrimonial Knot to be tied only by the Purse-string. I can say, I +am young and beautiful, and that without any Vanity. This Mr. _H----_ +knows well enough; he loves me intirely, and, I am sure, had rather live +all his Life-time with me in a Garret, on the Scrag-end of a Neck of +Mutton, than with the Lady his Father proposes; but the old Curmudgeon +will not let his Son have the least Thoughts of me, because the Muck, my +Father has left me, will not fill so many Dung-carts, as he can fill for +his Son: It is even true, what the Parson said, 'Matrimony is become a +Matter of Money.' This is the Reason, that you and I stick on Hand so +long, as the Tradesmen at _London_ say, when they cannot put off their +Daughters. + +_Politica._ Matrimony is, indeed, become a mere Trade; they carry their +Daughters to _Smithfield_, as they do Horses, and sell to the highest +Bidder. Formerly, I have heard, nothing went current in the Matrimonial +Territories, but Birth and Blood; but, alas! this was in the antiquated +Times, when Virtue and Honour were a Commodity in _England_, and when the +Nobility and Gentry were in Possession of large Estates, and were +content to live upon them, and keep Courts of their own in the Country; +but, since they abandoned the State and Grandeur of their Fore-fathers, +and became Courtiers, and extravagantly wasted their Substance in +polluted Amours in the City, they have no Way to repair the Cracks in +the Estates, but by Marrying of Fortunes; and, if the Woman be a +Fortune, it is no Matter how she is descended; Gold is the Quarry they +fly at. I remember some old Verses to this Purpose: + + 'Gold Marriages makes, 'tis the Center of Love; + 'It sets up the Man, and it helps up the Woman: + 'By the Golden Rule all Mortals do move, + 'For Gold makes Lords bow to the Brat of a Broom-man.' + +These Verses are older than either you, or I, and yet they are true in +our Time. + +_Sophia._ Aye, Madam, too true, I find it so; but, methinks, it is a +mere Way of selling Children for Money, when, poor Creatures, they often +purchase what will be a Plague to them all their Life-time, a cursed +ill-natured Shrew, or a beastly, ill-conditioned Husband. Let me live a +Maid to the last Minute of my Life, rather than thus to lose my Content, +my Peace of Mind, and domestick Quiet, and all this for the +inconsiderable Trifle of a large Bag of Money for my Portion. Let the +old Curmudgeons keep the Golden Coxcombs, their Sons, for the best +Market. Heaven send me a Spouse, that has Sense enough to despise a +Bargain in Petticoats with Abundance of Money and no Brains! Methinks, a +_Smithfield_ Match is so very ridiculous, that it might nauseate a +half-witted Courtier. How ridiculous is it for an old Miser to shew the +Portion first, and his Daughter afterwards! And, when both Parties are +agreed upon the Price, then Miss goes off, coarse or handsome, good or +ill-natured, it is no Matter. I fancy, an old Miser, exposing his +Daughter to Sale, looks like a Country Farmer selling his white-faced +Calf in the Market, or like a Grasier enhancing the Price of a ragged, +scrubby Ox, from the Consideration of Abundance of Tallow he will turn +out. Even just such a Thing is a _Smithfield_ Match; and, as soon as the +Miser has struck the Bargain for his Daughter, away he goes to the +Parson's Toll-book, and there is an End of the Matter. + +_Politica._ It is even so; but it is a cursed wicked Way of Wedding; it +is perfect Kidnapping Children into the Marriage Plantations. This +Practice is contrary to the Laws of Nature and God. Those pretty Birds, +you now hear singing over our Heads, last _Valentine_'s Day, chose every +one his Mate, without the Direction, or Approbation of their Parents. +The Scripture says (I think it is in the Sixth of _Genesis_, and the +second Verse) That _the Sons of God saw the Daughters of Men, that they +were fair; and they took them Wives of all which they chose_. Do but +mind this Text of Scripture, it is very much to our Purpose; it is not +there said, That the Sons of God saw the Daughters of Men, that they had +Abundance of _Money_, but they were _fair_, _i. e._ they were such as +were beautiful and lovely. This was the Attractive of Courtship. It is +not here said, that the old Misers, as now, carried their Sons and +Daughters to _Marriage-Fair_, and swopped one for the other, with so +much Money and the Vantage; but here the Sons are left to chuse +themselves Wives, and they chose such as were fair, even just such as +my beautiful _Sophia_. And let me make this farther Remark, That, for +Chusing such Wives, they are called _the Sons of God_: Hence it +naturally follows, That whosoever do chuse Wives after any other Manner +are the Sons of the Devil; and thus the young sold Couple are the Son +and Daughter of the Devil, and the old Miser, that sold them, is the +Devil's Brother-in-law, and so they are matched into a very fine Family. + +_Sophia._ Truly, Sister, I am apt to think, God Almighty has nothing to +do with such Matches, though we have a common Proverb in _England_, +'That Matches are made in Heaven;' I can truly say, as the Country Wench +did, 'They are a long Time in coming down.' I have waited for one a +great While to no Purpose; my Money will not grow to the Height of a +Husband, though I water it with Tears, and air it with Sighs; but, +prithee, Sister, let us contrive some Way or other how to remove this +great Evil, this Grievance of Celibacy, under which the Nation groaneth. +I can take it to be nothing less than a National Judgment, when our Men, +the Strength of our Kingdom, are daily consumed and wasted away by the +Wars, and there is no Care taken of a Supply. Our Ships and Armies, in a +short Time, will want Soldiers; but this is none of our Fault; you and I +would endeavour at a Race of Heroes for the Service of our Country, if +we could come honestly at the Instruments which make them. + +_Politica._ It is very true; but the Remedy: In the first Place, Sister, +let us consider the Causes of the Evil, and then the Remedy. Begin, +Madam, let me hear your Opinion of the Cause of this Evil. + +_Sophia._ None fitter than your judicious Self to lead the Way in this +Argument: But, however, Madam, I will obey your Command; and I think it +is Want of Virtue both in young Men and Women, that is the chief Cause +of this destructive Evil. + +Out of Civility to the Man, I will begin first with our own Sex. I am +ashamed, and blush to speak it, how many lewd Creatures there are of our +Sex both in the Town and Country; were there not so many Whores, there +would be more Wives. The vicious Sort of Men are by them kept from +marrying; for it is mere Virtue must confine a Man to a married State, +where he has an uninterrupted Converse with Womankind as seldom and as +often as he pleases, without Confinement to any particular Person or +Temper. This made a Nobleman say, that _Two Things could never be wanted +in_ London, _a Wife and a Watch; because one may have a Whore, and see +what it is a Clock, at the End of every Street_. + +The numerous Company of Strumpets and Harlots, in _London_, makes the +lewd Sort of Men out of Love with Matrimony. Nay, I have heard them say, +_There is no Woman honest after the Age of Fifteen_. I know they are +Lyars; but, I am sorry to say it, they have too much Reason to be out of +Love with our Sex. Sometimes I myself am almost of their Opinion, +especially when I consider how shamefully some lewd Women prostitute +themselves to every rascally Porter and Boy: And I think it more +abominable in the Women than the Men, for Nature has given us more +Modesty; and, did not the Whores ply in the Streets, the Leacher could +never stumble over them. + +The Men, they are grown full as effeminate as the Women; we are rivalled +by them even in the Fooleries peculiar to our Sex: They dress like +Anticks and Stage-Players, and are as ridiculous as Monkies: They sit in +monstrous long Perukies, like so many Owls in Ivy-Bushes; and esteem +themselves more upon the Reputation of being a Beau, than on the +substantial Qualifications of Honour, Courage, Learning, and Judgment. +If you heard them talk, you would think yourself at a Gossipping at +_Dover_, or that you heard the learned Confabulation of the Boys in the +Piazza's of _Christ's-Hospital_. Did you ever see a Creature more +ridiculous than that Stake of Humane Nature which dined the other Day at +our House, with his great long Wig to cover his Head and Face, which was +no bigger than an _Hackney-Turnep_, and much of the same Form and Shape? +Bless me how it looked! just like a great Platter of _French_ Soup with +a little Bit of Flesh in the Middle. Did you mark the beau Tiff of his +Wig, what a deal of Pains he took to toss it back, when the very Weight +thereof was like to draw him from his Seat? Did you not take Notice how +he replenished his Snout with Snuff, and what Pains he took to let us +know that it was _Vigo_? Did you not wonder at his learned Discourse of +the Womens Accoutrements, from the Top-knot to the Laced Shoe; and what +Lectures he read on the Fan, Masque, and Gloves? He understood Ribbons +and Silk as well as a Milliner and Mercer, and was a perfect Chymist in +Beauty Washes and Essences: In short, Madam, did you ever see a more +accomplished Coxcomb in all your Life? + +Now, my Dear, though I must acknowledge our Sex to be extraordinary +vicious, we will not knock under-board to the Men; we have yet more +Virtue left among us than they can match: For though, to our great +Shame, we are degenerated in one Respect, to our Commendation we are +improved in another: We never had, in any Age, Women of better Parts, of +greater Virtue, and more Knowledge. Learning and Wit seem to have +forsaken the Masculine Dominions, and to have taken up their Abode in +the Feminine Territories: And, indeed, the Men are so wickedly +degenerated, that Learning, Virtue, Courage, and Conduct seem to be +unnecessary Accomplishments; for they signify nothing as to their +Preferment, but they make their Fortunes as they make their Wives, by +Money. And truly, Madam, we have no great Occasion to boast that we have +supplanted the Men of their Virtue, for we have got that from them which +did them no Service, and which we must conceal, or else be laughed at +for Shewing it. However, Madam, let us admire Virtue, which gives that +inward Contentment, which all the Riches of the World cannot purchase. + +_Politica._ I think, my dear _Sophia_, the Parents are as much the Cause +of Celibacy as the Children, by breeding them above their Quality and +Estates. I give myself for an Example. You know my Father was a +Tradesman, and lived very well by his Traffick; and, I being beautiful, +he thought Nature had already given me Part of my Portion, and therefore +he would add a liberal Education, that I might be a compleat +Gentlewoman; away he sent me to the Boarding-School, there I learned to +dance and sing, to play on the Bass-Viol, Virginals, Spinnet and +Guitair. I learned to make Wax-work, Japan, paint upon Glass, to raise +Paste, make Sweet-meats, Sauces, and every thing that was genteel and +fashionable. My Father died, and left me accomplished, as you find me, +with three-hundred Pounds Portion; and, with all this, I am not able to +buy an Husband. A Man, that has an Estate answerable to my Breeding, +wants a Portion answerable to his Estate; an honest Tradesman, that +wants a Portion of three-hundred Pounds, has more Occasion of a Wife +that understands Cookery and Housewifery, than one that understands +Dancing, and Singing, and Making of Sweet-meats. The Portion, which +Nature gave me, proves now my Detriment; my Beauty is an Obstacle to my +Marriage; an honest Shop-keeper cannot keep a Wife to look upon. +'Beauty,' say they, is like a Tavern Bush, 'it is hung out in the Face to +shew what Commodity is to be sold;' it is but like an Honey-pot, which +will fill a House with Bees and Wasps; and the poor Tradesman, that has +such a Wife, will dream of nothing but Horns, as long as he has her; so +that, Madam, I conclude, our Parents are great Causes of this Evil, in +educating their Children beyond their Estates. + +_Sophia._ But how would you order the Matter with one in my +Circumstances? My Father, when I was born, was a Gentleman of a +plentiful Estate, and gave me Education according to the Portion he +designed me; but he, being a true _Englishman_, joined with the Duke of +_Monmouth_ in the Recovery of our Rights, which, he then thought, were +in Danger; and, in that Enterprise, he lost his Life and Estate, and so +I lost my Portion, and have nothing to subsist on, but the Charity of my +good Aunt. I can marry nothing but a Gentleman, and very few, if any of +them, are inclined to marry the poor Remains of an honourable and +virtuous Family: What can I do? + +_Politica._ Truly, my Dear, our Cases are both desperate; we cannot +_come up_ to good Estates, and Gentlemen of good Estates will not _come +down_ to us. I have often wondered, that there are no compulsive Laws +inforcing Matrimony, but that, instead thereof, there are Laws +discouraging of Marriage, as is the Act for Births and Burials, +especially to the poorer Sort of People, who are generally the greatest +Breeders; for, by this Act, when there is a certain Charge to a Family, +there is a certain Duty to the Queen. Now, if there was a Law inforcing +of Matrimony, it would more effectually answer the End of her Majesty's +pious Proclamations for the Encouragement of Virtue, and for the +Suppressing of all Manner of Immorality and Profaneness. For such a Law +would put a Stop to Abundance of Whoring; it would make the Women +virtuous, on Purpose to get good Husbands, and the Men thrifty and +diligent in their Callings, in order to maintain their Families. The +Ruin both of Body, Soul, and Estate proceeds from this Omission in our +Laws. I am sure, a Law of this Nature would not only be acceptable in +the Sight of God, but it would be very advantageous to the Kingdom. + +_Sophia._ I am very well satisfied in the Truth of what you say, but, at +the same Time, I do not think a Law compulsive of Marriage reasonable in +all Respects; there are a Sort of Monsters of Men, called +_Women-haters_; these Brutes would be destroyed by this Act. Nature also +has excluded, by its Deficiencies, some Men from the State of Matrimony; +others are of such monstrous ill Humours, that they can match no where, +but in the Nunnery of _Billingsgate_; therefore, Madam, if you get this +Act passed, it must contain many Provisos and Exceptions. + +_Politica._ Not in the least; I would have it a genial compulsive Act, +after this Manner: Every Batchelor, at the Age of twenty-four Years, +should pay such a Tax to the Queen; suppose it twenty Shillings _per +Annum_ for the meanest Rank of Men, and what the Parliament thinks fit +for those of higher Degree. Every Widower, which has been so upwards of +one Year, and is under the Age of fifty Years, to pay the same Sum: Now, +according to Computation, we have seven Millions of Men in _England_, +and, suppose two Millions of the seven be Batchelors and Widowers, +qualified as before, according to their several Ranks and Qualities +taxed by Act of Parliament, they will pay into the Queen's _Exchequer_, +yearly, the Sum of two Millions five-hundred thousand Pounds Sterling, +which will be almost enough to defray the Charge of the War by Land and +Sea. + +The Reasonabless of the Act is plain, for that unmarried People are, as +it were, useless to the State; they are, like Drones in a Hive, reaping +the Advantage of other People's Labours; they have their Liberties and +Freedoms secured by the Loss of other Men's Lives, and do not, from +their own Loins, repair the native Strength of the Kingdom; they are not +so good as the Spider, which hangs in the Loom drawn from her own +Bowels: On the other Hand, it is reasonable to ease such in Taxes, as +have numerous Families to the Advantage of the Commonwealth; for these +are at daily Charge in Breeding up their Issue for the Defence and +Safety of the Kingdom. + +_Sophia._ Your Notions are very good and proper; but how will you be +able to put them into Practice? I hope you will not solicit this Bill +yourself at the House of Commons; you ought to have some Way or other to +communicate it to some particular Member, that he may bring it in, as +his own, and get a good Reward for his Pains from the Court. Do not you +remember, Mrs. _Murray_ told us, the other Day, how her Husband was +served about his Project of _Exchequer_ Bills? They got it to +themselves, and did not give the honest Gentleman one Groat for his +Invention. Now, Madam, if you could make yourself a Portion by their +Making an Act, you would do very well, you would serve yourself and your +Country; but, if this Act passeth, I do not find, that you and I shall +be the better for it, for the Men are still left to the Liberty of +Chusing, and they will chuse for the best Portions; we are no nearer the +Marriage-bed than before. Pray think of some compulsive Act, that may +inforce them to marry me and you. + +_Politica._ It will be very difficult to get a particular Clause in our +Favour, it will cost us, at least, our Maidenheads; and then, you know, +we need not much trouble our Heads about Matrimony, we need not shut the +Stable-door when the Steed is stolen. Pray, Madam, let me hear how you +would have it for your own Advantage? It is now your Turn to propose. + +_Sophia._ Nature has made all Things on a Level: Our first Father made +no Jointure in Marriage, nor had our first Mother any Portion. _Adam_ +was Lord, and _Eve_ was Mistress of the Universe; and we ought to tread +in the Steps of our Lady Mother, and bring our Husband no more than what +Nature hath given us. Settlements and Portions never came into Custom, +till such Time as Murder and Rapine had entered the World, and Dowries +were first brought into Fashion by the Posterity of _Cain_. The hellish +Miser, which the other Day made so many Scruples about my Portion, Did +you not observe the Mark of _Cain_ in his Forehead? The Match-brokers +look just like the wandering _Jews_ in _England_, followed by the Curse +of God into all Countries where they come. + +Now, it is an easy Matter for the Parliament of _England_ to bring +Marriages on the same Level, as was designed at first by Nature. I will +propose how: Suppose every Gentleman of one-thousand Pounds _per Annum_, +was obliged to marry Gentlewomen of such Quality and Portion with +ourselves, and, if he would not marry at all, his Estate should become +forfeited to the Use of the Publick. + +_Politica._ That would be hard, to take away all a Man has in the World, +because he will not marry. + +_Sophia._ We will then find a Medium: Suppose we build and endow them an +Alms-house with their own Money, where every one of them shall have a +convenient Apartment, with a Bed, and two Pair of Sheets, one Chair, one +Candlestick, a Chamber-pot, and Fire-Place, and some other cheap +Necessaries. We will allow them one Coat a Year, with a yellow Badge on +the Arm, as the Mark of a Batchelor; and every Ten of them shall have +one old Woman to wait upon them: They shall be chiefly fed with +Water-gruel, and Barley-broth; and, instead of Meat, they shall eat +Potatoes, _Jerusalem_ Artichokes, Turneps, Carrots, and Parsnips; for +you know they come into that Hospital, because they do not love Flesh. + +_Politica._ Oh! fye Madam, fye upon you! that would use brisk young +Gentlemen at such a cruel Rate: This is downright Tyranny. + +_Sophia._ I am sorry to see you so tender of those, who are so cruel to +our Sex: But here is no Cruelty at all in the Case; consider the Thing +rightly, Madam, and you will find it otherwise: We esteem it the highest +Charity to provide Alms-houses for the antient superannuated Poor, who +are past their Labour; now a Man that is not come to his Labour of +Generation, at twenty-five Years of Age, is certainly past it, and we +ought to reckon him as superannuated, and grown an old Boy, and not fit +to be trusted with what he has, as not knowing the Use and Benefit of +Riches. + +What I say, in this Respect, is the common Practice of Mankind in Things +of another Nature: The Husbandman, if he has got a Tree in his Orchard, +that has grown a long Time, and has bore no Fruit, he cuts him down for +Fuel, and plants another in his Room: Why may we not do the same by the +human Batchelor Trees; especially, since they are grafted on so good +Stocks, and are so well watered and pruned? That is a very ill Sort of +Seed that will fructify in no Soil. It is the same Thing in Government; +a Batchelor is a useless Thing in the State, does but cumber the Ground, +and takes up the Room of a generous Plant, which would be of great +Advantage to the Commonwealth. I tell you, Madam, according to the Laws +of Nature and Reason, a Batchelor is a Minor, and ought to be under the +Government of the Parish in which he lives; for, though he be a +Housekeeper and for himself, as they call it, yet, having no Family, he +cannot be reckoned a good Commonwealth's-Man; and, if he is not a good +one, he is a bad one, which ought not to be suffered; nay, he is not a +perfect Man till such Time as he is married, for it is the Woman is the +Perfection of the Man. + +_Politica._ Madam, I know you are endowed with true _English_ +Principles, pray consider, whether the Law you mention be not +destructive of _Magna Charta_, since, without Cause or Offence, it +deprives a Man of his Property, and takes from him the Estate which +legally descended to him from his Ancestors. + +_Sophia._ Madam, I find you hold me to hard Meat, I must give Reasons +for the Passing of my Bill: I argue thus, A Person who has broken, and +forfeited his Right to the _Magna Charta_ of Nature, ought to have no +Protection by the _Magna Charta_ of _Englishmen_: I prove my Proportion +thus, A Batchelor of Age, as such, has broken the Laws of Nature: +Increase and Multiply is the Command of Nature, and of the God thereof; +now, having broken the Laws of Nature, he ought not to have any +Protection from the Laws of _England_, because such, as have Protection +by those Laws, do contribute to the Support of those Laws, which an +adult Batchelor does not do according to the Constitution of _Magna +Charta_: Our Fore-fathers purchased the Liberties of _Magna Charta_, with +the Hazard of Life and Limb; they sealed that Writing with the Blood of +themselves and their Children, and, after the same Manner those +Privileges were procured, must they be supported and maintained; now a +Batchelor contributes little or nothing to the Support of our Freedoms; +the Money he pays in Taxes is inconsiderable to the Supplies given by +others in Children, which are an Addition to the native Strength of the +Kingdom: Money is like the soft and easy Showers, which only cool and +moisten the Surface of the Earth; Children are like the soaking Rain +which goes to the Root, and makes Trees and Vegetables fructify for the +Use of Man: Indeed, my Dear, a Batchelor can, in no Sense, be esteemed a +good _Englishman_. + +From the Reasons aforesaid, I cannot think the Batchelors are injured by +my Bill. Acts of Parliament ought not to respect private Interests; they +are made for the Good of the Community, for the Advantage of the whole +People of _England_, and you shall seldom find any Act passed, but what +is to the Detriment of some particular Persons: We thought it no +Injustice to prohibit the Importation of _East-India_ Silks, +notwithstanding the Detriment thereby accrued to that Company; and +perhaps put all the Ladies in Court and City into the Murligrubs. These +Things the good Parliament never considered, but passed the Bill in +Favour of the Multitude of Weavers in this Kingdom, who get Abundance of +Children for the Support of the Nation, and which must have starved, if +foreign Commodities had been imported to the Destruction of the Weaving +Trade. The Batchelors, that would come under this Statute, are but an +inconsiderable Number, compared with the aggregate Sum of the whole +Kingdom. + +_Politica._ Suppose, Madam, your Reasons should weigh with the House of +Commons: There is another Sort of Batchelors, that answer the End of +their Creation, and yet are not married; I mean such as multiply their +Species on Misses and Concubines, which, in plain _English_, are Whores: +Nay, they can content themselves to do it with their female Servants, +who serve under them for that Purpose; these will find a Way to creep +out, if you do not bind your Act very close. + +_Sophia._ That is well thought on, upon my Virginity! It is true, these +are a dangerous Sort of Creatures; Concubinage and Whoring are grievous +Sins, both in the Sight of God and Man; and the Divine Laws, as also the +Laws of _England_, are very strict against such Offenders, and yet you +see they do find Holes to creep through and escape Punishment; but the +Law I propose will tie them fast: For, do but observe it, Madam, those +Laws are best executed, that bring Money into the _Exchequer_; every one +would be a Fisherman, if the Fishes came like St. _Peter_'s, with Money +in their Mouths: I dare engage, I will sooner get a Warrant to search +for prohibited uncustomed Goods, or to seize Brewer's Copper for +Non-payment of Excise, than I can prepare a Warrant to search a +Bawdy-house: Do but once make it appear, that Godliness is Gain, and I +will warrant you a thorough Reformation of Manners. Now my Act does this +Thing to a T; I make Men honest and virtuous, and, by doing so, I make +the Government rich, and ease the Subjects in the Burden of Taxes. And I +dare engage, if ever you see my Bill passed the Royal Assent, you will +find it well executed. + +_Politica._ That is according to the Honesty and Virtue of the +Commissioners and Assessors, appointed for that Purpose; if they are not +virtuous and honest, they may lessen your Tax, and cause a Deficiency. +This has been the Effect of letting Landed-men assess Landed-men, and +Tradesmen assess Stock; when, if a Tradesman had assessed Land, and a +Landed-man had assessed Trade, being so very different in Interest, they +would have raised the Fund to the Height. Therefore, my dear Sister, be +cautious in this Point, take my Advice, I am your _Senior_; let no old +Fornicator be an Assessor, Commissioner, or Collector of your Duty; he, +that has in his Time loved a Bit of old Hat, will be tender in Punishing +the Sin of his Youth; with him exclude all such as were Batchelors +before the Passing of the Act; they will suffer, nay, contrive a +Deficiency, that the Act may be repealed. In short, let none be +concerned in the Assessing or Collecting of this Duty, but such as have +many Years lived with their Wives in conjugal Chastity, and by them have +a very numerous Issue; these, I will warrant you, will take Care to +bring the utmost Penny into the _Exchequer_.--But, pray, how do you +design to punish such of this Sort of Batchelors, that will not comply +with your Act? I hope you will allow them a separate Maintenance; you +will build them an Alms-house also, will you not? + +_Sophia._ As the others are used like Fools and superannuated Persons, +so we will use these like Madmen. We will build them a convenient +Bedlam, wherein every one of them shall be chained about the Middle to a +Post, like a Monkey; we will feed them with low Diet, as the others, and +once a Month they shall be blooded and shaved. To aggravate their +Crime, we will make every one of them a _Tantalus_, by bringing every +Day handsome Ladies before them, who shall laugh and jeer at them, and +then turn their Backs upon them. + +_Politica._ I protest, Madam, you are very cruel: Would you be willing +to be served so yourself? + +_Sophia._ Yes, Sister, when I refuse Matrimony upon good and equal +Terms: Pray, do they not do the same by us? Are not we daily presented +with the Sight of Batchelors of good Estates, who come to us under +Pretence of lawful Courtship, to prosecute an unlawful Amour? They come +to us like Butterflies to Flowers, to spit Maggots on us, and then leave +us to be devoured by Infamy and Scandal: There is no Punishment bad +enough for these Monsters of Men; I would fain have my Will upon them +one Way or other; either by Marrying them all out of hand, or by +Punishing them for Living single. + +_Politica._ I do indeed think a Levelling of Marriages is the most +reasonable Thing in the World; Mankind is on a Level in all Things but +this; one Man has Wit and wants Money; another has Money and wants Wit; +a third has Strength, and wants both Money and Wit; one is poor and +contented with his Condition; another has no Peace of Mind, nor +Satisfaction, amidst all his Riches, but is, amongst his Bags of Money, +as a Person in _Little Ease_ or _Bridewell_; so that Nature seems to +have designed a Level, only we raise Mountains and Hills on Purpose to +deface the Works of Nature. But, Sister, here's one Thing yet to be +considered, that there are several young Gentlemen born to good +Fortunes, who would marry me or you; but they are kept from it by the +Advice of their Parents. Now, though I would have such punished as are +unmarried with good Estates in their own Possession, yet would I have +some Respect to those who would and cannot: There is Mr. ----, he often +gives me Visits, he loves my Company, his Eyes talk of Love, which is +more than his Tongue durst so much as mention; for he tells me, the +Beldam his Mother, and the old Curmudgeon his Father, have made a +Resolution, that he shall never marry but with a Woman of five-thousand +Pounds Fortune: But, says he, if they die, I'll marry where I please: +They may live a long Time, and, if I should stay for him, by that Time, +Beauty may have lost its Charm; and some younger _Phillis_, or other, +may interpose and get the Prize from me. For Love, Madam, is the most +fickle and changeable Thing in the World: My Wit will last as long as my +Virtue, and both these are not lessened but improved by Age. But did you +ever know a Man that loved a Woman for Virtue and Wit? No, there are +other Attractives which make so great a Sound in the World, that they +drown the low Voice of Virtue and Wit. + +_Sophia._ I would have these old Folks, that hinder their Children from +Matrimony, as severely punished as the old Bachelors: The fabulous +Punishment of leading Apes in Hell is not enough; I would have them +punished even in this Life. I pray God send them some such Distemper as +the Pox; which, in this Life, is the Punishment of Adulterers and +Whore-mongers; Nay, sometimes they are caught and pay dear enough for +their Trifling with the Years of Youth, and not entering the Bounds of +Matrimony, till the Time of their Doatage. I will tell you a very pretty +and true Story: + +A certain Doctor of Divinity of the University, aged about sixty Years, +from the Profits of a good Benefice, and other comfortable Church +Emoluments, together with a thrifty Life, had acquired an Estate of +five-hundred Pounds _per Annum_; but the pious Churchman, being still +desirous of a larger Share of the good Things of this Life, thought of +Ways and Means of aggrandising his Fortune. No better Way could he think +on than Marriage; for, he having lived a Batchelor, and, by his +Industry, procured such an Estate, he thought his Spiritual and Temporal +Endowments deserved a considerable Fortune. After he had made many +Enquiries among his Friends and Acquaintance for a suitable Help-mate, +called a Wife, with a sufficient Quantity of Money, he pitched upon a +Justice of the Peace's Daughter, about ten Miles distant from his own +Habitation. The young Gentlewoman was about sixteen Years of Age, and +had ten-thousand Pounds Portion. Her Money made an Atonement for her +Want of Years, for the Bags and the Girl were just old enough for the +Doctor. + +As soon as the Doctor had Intelligence of this young Lady, he pursues +the Notion with all the Vehemence imaginable; and hereupon one Day at +Dinner he breaks Bulk to his Man _John_, and tells him of his Design of +Wedding, and orders him to get his Horse ready the next Morning early, +and likewise another for himself, to accompany him Part of the Way, +which he accordingly did; and, after _John_ had travelled with him about +half Way, he was dismissed by the Doctor, who travelled on by himself +till within a Mile of the Justice's House, where seeing an old Hedger in +the Way, he asked him, If he knew Esquire---- He told him, Yes, he had +Reason so to do, for he had been his Servant above thirty Years; and +that he had married his Wife out of the Family, who was also an old +Servant of the 'Squire's. Well then, says the Doctor, you must needs +know his Daughter, Mrs. _Anne_. Yes, I think I do, says the Hedger, +she's a fine young Gentlewoman, and my Master can give her a Power of +Money: I will tell you what, Doctor, I understand Trap; I fancy you have +a Mind to Mrs. _Anne_. Why, replies the Doctor, What if I have; what +then? Why then, says the Hedger, my Master being a hugely rich Man, and my +Mistress a young Woman, he may think you both too old, and not rich +enough: And therefore, Doctor, if I might advise you, I would first have +you see how you like the Girl; it is good to look before you leap. Which +Way can I do that, quoth the Doctor? Oh, quoth the old Man, let me +alone, I can contrive that well enough. Hereupon the Doctor gives him a +Broad-piece, telling him, he found he could do him a Kindness; and that, +if he did it, he should never want, for he had five-hundred Pounds a +Year, besides Spiritual Preferments. Aye, says the old Man, I have often +heard of you. I do not question but we shall bring the Matter about: My +Master has a great Respect for the Church. Pray, Sir, go a little +farther to my House, and I will give you a Cup of the best, and some +good Bread and Cheese, and there we will consider farther of the Matter: +I will warrant we will contrive the Business well enough. + +With all my Heart, says the Doctor. Away goes the Doctor more freely +than to Church, and the Hedger as if he were going to the Wedding. When +they were come to the House, and eating the best it afforded; says the +Countryman, Master Doctor, if I could get Mistress _Anne_ to my House, +Would not that do well? Rarely well, quoth the Doctor, if you can but +compass it: But does she ever come hither? Very often, says the old Man, +to see her old Servants. But how will you contrive it? says the Doctor. +Leave that to me, quoth the Hedger. Away goes the old Fellow, and enters +into Discourse with his Wife; says he to her, I am minded to put a Trick +upon the Doctor: The good Wife in a Passion replies, You S----, you old +Fool, you put a Trick on a great Man of the Church: Hold your Tongue, +Goody _Simpleton_, says the old Man; I find the great Doctors bred at +the Versity have no more Wit than we Country Folk: Get you gone +immediately to the 'Squire's, and take my Daughter _Joan_ along with +you, and pray Mrs. _Anne_ to dress her in her best Cloaths, for there is +a Gentleman at our House desires to see her in such a Habit. Now you +must understand their Daughter _Joan_ was about the same Age and Stature +with Mrs. _Anne_, and had a great deal of Beauty, obscured by homely +Country Weeds, and she had by Nature a pretty Stock of the Mother, Wit +of the Knave her Father; away trudges the old Woman with _Joan_ her +Daughter: Her Request was no sooner asked but granted, and _Joan_ was +presently turned into a little Angel, by the Help of Mrs. _Anne_'s +Accoutrements. The Doctor, you may be sure, waited with much Impatience +all this While; sometimes in Hopes, and other times in Despair. But the +Hedger, standing with his Face towards the Way, at length espies his +Wife and Mrs. _Anne_ (for that must be the Name of _Joan_ at present) +coming towards the House; the old Man begs Leave of the Doctor to go and +meet Mrs. _Anne_, and conduct her to the House, which he did presently, +by running cross a Field; he made abundance of Scrapes and Cringes to +Madam _Anne_, with his Hat in his Hand, and then, stepping behind her +like a Footman, he followed her Home all the Way, instructing her how to +manage herself in this weighty Concern. + +When they came to the House the Doctor receives her with abundance of +Ceremony; the Countryman also made some rustick Bows and Compliments, +and tells her, it was a great Favour in her Ladiship to come in a Visit +to her poor old Servants, and humbly intreats the Favour of her to sit +down; for, though the Gentleman present was a Stranger to her Ladiship, +he was a Person of Quality, a learned and rich Doctor of the Church, +who, in Humility, peculiar to the Clergy, had vouchsafed to give so poor +a Man as he a Visit. With much Coyness Madam _Anne_ sits down, and, +having made a Bow from her Seat to the Doctor, she asked her old +Servants, how they did. The Doctor being smitten with the visible Part +of Mrs. _Anne_'s Portion, and ruminating on the invisible; the old Man +thought it was Time to retire, which he did, by leaving a Scrape or two +on the earthen Floor with his Foot. + +The Doctor had now what he came for, and to Work he goes; he had forgot +_Thomas Aquinas_, _Dunce Scotus_, and other unintelligible cramp +Authors. Philosophy signifies nothing in an Amour, and Logick of itself +is enough to curdle a Virgin's Milk; therefore the Doctor accosted her +with all the soft Expressions he could remember in _Ovid de Arte +Amandi_, which, the Learned say, is the only Way to know how to resolve +the difficult Questions in _Aristotle_'s Problems; and, the Girl having +Heat of Beauty enough at that Age to warm a _Stoick_, by the vehement +Attraction thereof the Doctor joined Countenances; but never did a poor +young Lady receive Kisses after a more modest and coy Manner; and well +might she blush at such an Exercise; for the poor Creature never smelt +Man before, and it was the first Time that ever she saw the Doctor. + +After the Doctor and Mrs. _Anne_ had been above an Hour together, in +steps the old Man; the Girl she modestly retires, as well for +Instruction as to give an Account of how Things went; in the mean Time, +the old Man asks the Doctor how he liked the Lady, and what +Encouragement she gave him? The Doctor, being ravished with the visible +and invisible Qualifications of Mrs. _Anne_, expressed abundance of +Satisfaction, and how happy a Man he should be if he could obtain his +Prize. Says the old Man, At her again, Mr. Doctor, she is a brave +good-humoured Lady, and I told her sufficiently what you are: Says the +Doctor, Prithee canst not thou get us something good to eat and drink; +here's Money, if thou canst. Away goes the old Man, but first got Mrs. +_Anne_ into the Room with the Doctor, which was done with many +Intreaties, and performed with a wonderful Modesty. + +We will leave the Doctor and Mrs. _Anne_ hard at Work on the Anvil of +Courtships, whilst the old Woman and her Husband are getting Supper +ready, which they were so long about, that it grew late, and Mrs. _Anne_ +was just going: The Doctor, you may be sure, intreated her to stay, and +the old Man and Woman solicited very hard on the same Account, telling +the Lady, that they had nothing worthy of her Acceptance, but the Honour +she would do them, now they had a great Doctor of the Church at their +House, would be very great. In short, they argued so much, that Mrs. +_Anne_ was at length prevailed upon to stay; the old Man whispers the +Doctor, that he had kept Supper back on Purpose that he might have the +more of the young Lady's Company, and therefore advised him to make the +best Use of his Time. Certainly, never any young Lady made her Lover so +happy at the first Interview; to Work goes the Doctor, he courts like a +Dragon; with an irresistible Fury he lets fly whole Vollies of bombaste +Rhetorick at her Head, enough to beat a poor Country Girl's Brains out; +no Stone did he leave unturned, but persists in his Courtship, till +interrupted by the old Man's Bringing in the Supper, which, we may +imagine, could not be less than a couple of Cocks with Bacon, and it is +well, if the Fowls did not come out of the Squire's Coop, as well as the +Cloaths out of his Daughter's Wardrobe. + +Down sits the Doctor, having first placed Mrs. _Anne_ at the upper End +of the Table, and, having said a short Grace, he desired the old Couple +to sit down, as did also Mrs. _Anne_; but they refused it, saying, They +should not be so impudent as to set at Table Chick by Chowle with a +great Doctor of the Church, and their Mrs. _Anne_, who agreed with the +Doctor to make them both sit down, which at last they did, in Conformity +to the Church and their Mistress; and so they all fell heartily to +Pecking till they had consumed the whole Provision. + +Supper being over, the old Man asks his Wife in the next Room, what Time +of Night it was; the old Woman replied, it was past Eight of the Clock; +at which, the old Man fell into a violent Passion, and scolded horribly +at his Wife, for not taking Notice how the Time went away. The Doctor, +hearing this Combustion, comes to know the Meaning of it: The old Man +tells him, he is undone for ever; he has kept Mrs. _Anne_ here so late +that she is locked out of Doors, her Family being always in Bed by Eight +of the Clock, and that, on this Account, the 'Squire will turn him out +of his Service, by which he got his Livelihood. The Doctor pacifies him, +by telling him, that, since this Thing must happen on his Account, he +nor his Wife should never want as long as he lived. Well, says the old +Man, Mr. Doctor, since you are such a charitable Man, I will put you in +a Way to do your Business at once; if you should apply yourself to the +'Squire, he will hardly be brought to Terms; for, though you have a good +Estate, yet I know the 'Squire will marry my Mistress to a young Man; +and seeing you have now a fair Opportunity, having the Night before you, +try to get her Consent, and take her away with you by Three or Four in +the Morning to some Parson of your Acquaintance, and marry her: My +Master will be soon reconciled, for he has no other Child to inherit his +Estate. A good Thought, says the Doctor, and I will try what can be done +in the Case. + +You may be sure, Madam, now the Doctor attacks the Lady with all the +Fury imaginable; the Silence of the Night and Want of Sleep, as I have +heard those skilled in Love Affairs say, are great Advantages to an +invading Lover; these are the best Times in which to storm a Lady's +Fortress: This, I suppose, the Doctor well enough knew, and therefore +carried on the Siege with Vigour, and, before Three in the Morning, the +young Lady had capitulated, and surrendered upon Articles; which the +Doctor tells the old Man of with abundance of Pleasure, who, you may be +sure, bids the Doctor Joy: The Doctor desires the old Man to get him a +Pillion, which, indeed, the old Man had before provided; and away goes +the Doctor and his Lady, and were that Day married. + +The Doctor did not stay long at the Place of Marriage, but privately +returns to his own House, where he acquainted some of his Friends of his +Enterprise, who highly applauded his Ingenuity; but he enjoined them all +to Secrecy for some Time. The Doctor daily expected a Hue and Cry after +Mrs. _Anne_; but, hearing nothing of it, he concluded the Servants had +some how or other concealed the Story from her Father; but his Friends +advised him by all Means to go to the Justice, and acquaint him with +what he had done with his Daughter, and beg his Pardon for so doing, as +a Means of Reconciliation. + +The Doctor understanding the Justices of the Peace were to meet that Day +about some particular Business in the Town; he went to enquire for the +Justice, whom he only knew by Sight, and the Justice had no other +Knowledge of the Doctor. The Doctor, in his best _Pontificalibus_'s, +comes to the Place of Meeting, which was an Inn, and asks the Drawer, +whether Esquire ---- was there; who answered, he was: He bids him shew +him a Room, and go tell the Esquire, that Doctor ---- desired to speak +with him; the Esquire desires the Doctor to come to him and the rest of +the Gentlemen, they having at that Juncture no Business before them; but +the Doctor sends Word again that his Business was private, and he +heartily intreated the Esquire to come to him, upon which the Esquire +comes: The Doctor he falls on his Knees, and begs his Pardon; the +Esquire was surprised, as knowing nothing of the Matter, and, being +unwilling to be homaged by the Church, he desires the Doctor to rise, or +otherwise he would talk no farther with him; the Doctor refused to do it +till such Time as he had his Pardon: The Esquire, knowing of no Offence, +freely gave him a Pardon; which done, the Doctor arises, telling him, he +was sorry that one in his Coat should be guilty of such a Crime: The +Esquire, being still in the Dark, replied, he knew no Crime he was +guilty of: Sir, says the Doctor, I have married your Daughter: Married +my Daughter, says the Esquire, you are certainly mistaken, Doctor. It is +certainly true, says the Doctor. Says the Esquire in a great Passion, +How long have you been married to my Daughter? I have lain with her +these three Nights, says the Doctor: Says the Esquire, you are strangely +mistaken, Doctor, for I left my Daughter at Home this Morning. Says the +Doctor, you are strangely imposed upon by your Servants, therefore be so +kind as to go to my House and see your Daughter, who is there at this +present. The Esquire, in an odd Sort of Confusion, goes along with him +to the House, and, being conducted into the Parlour where Madam sat in +State on her Couch, the Esquire burst out into a Fit of Laughter, and, +going to the Lady, salutes her, and wishes her much Joy, and then told +the Doctor the Mistake; for, says he, this Lady is my Servant ---- the +Hedger's Daughter _Joan_, dressed in my Daughter's Cloaths. The Doctor, +being astonished for some Time, recovers himself, comes up to her, takes +her in his Arms, and, kissing her, says, If thou art _Joan_, I will love +thee as well as if thou hadst been Mrs. _Anne_. And, for aught I know, +she made him as good a Wife; for, though she perfectly kidnapped the old +Child, yet they lived very comfortably together. + +_Politica._ I can nick your Story with one of a Clergyman, that was as +indifferent about a Portion as yours was curious. Mr. _G----_, a +Minister in _Suffolk_, and of a considerable Estate, lived without +Thoughts of Marriage, till the Age of fifty Years; at which Time one of +his Parishioners put him in Thoughts of Matrimony. He said he had been +so intent on his Studies, that he never thought of a Wife; but that now, +if he could find out a good one, he would marry. The Gentleman told him, +such a Person about twelve Miles off had three Daughters, either of +which would make him a good Wife, but their Fortunes were but small; the +Parson said, he knew the Gentleman very well, but did not know he had +any Daughters; and, as for Money, that was a Thing he did not value. The +Parson in a short Time gives the Gentleman a Visit, who made him very +welcome, not knowing the Design of his Coming; but the Parson told him, +that he heard he had three Daughters, and one of them would make him a +good Wife. The Gentleman replied, he had three Daughters, and that he +hoped they would prove to the Satisfaction of any Person who should +marry them, and told him either of them was at his Service: The Parson +said, they were all alike to him; but, since it was usual to marry the +Eldest first, he would take her; the Gentleman replied with all his +Heart. Upon which the eldest Daughter was called in. The Parson, sitting +in his Chair, and smoaking his Pipe, told her, he had heard she would +make him a good Wife: The young Lady, surprised, told him, she did not +know that, but did believe she should be a good Wife to any one that +should marry her. The Parson put the grand Question, Whether she would +have him? She told him, Matrimony was a Thing of that Moment, as +required a great deal of Consideration, and not to be so speedily +determined. He told her, his Studies would not allow him a long +Courtship; and, pulling out his Watch, laid it on the Table, and told +her, he would give her an Hour's Time to consider of it. Away goes the +Girl, but, believing it to be a Banter, she thought very little on that +Subject; the Parson having looked on his Watch, and finding the Hour was +gone, he desired the young Lady might be again called in: When she came, +the Parson shewed her the Watch, telling her the Hour was past, and that +he hoped she had considered of what he had spoke to her about; she told +him, that, it being a Matter of such great Consequence, it required a +much longer Time than he had set for that Purpose: The Parson hereupon +began to fret, and told her further, He found she would not have him, +and therefore he desired his Horse to be brought out, for he would be +going Homewards. The Gentleman pressed him to continue longer; +withall, telling him, though the Eldest required so much Time for +Consideration, perhaps the Second might not. + +The Parson was hereby prevailed upon to smoak another Pipe, and the +Second Daughter was brought in, to whom he carried himself as to the +former, and also allowed her an Hour's Time to consider of it. You may +be sure, during this Time, the Father and Mother worked the Girl to say, +Yes, as plain as if she had been in the Church: The Time being elapsed, +the Parson was impatient to go Home, Wife or no Wife, he was so +indifferent. The Girl was now called in, and the Parson asked her, +Whether she had considered of the Matter? She answered, Yes. Then will +you have me? She answers, Yes. Very well then, says the Parson to the +Father, all is done but Matrimony; and when shall that be? When you +please, says the Father. Then, says the Parson, let it be on _Tuesday_ +next. But, says the Father, who shall get the Licence? I will take Care +of that, says the Parson; and so, taking Leave of the Father, away he +goes. When he had gone about three or four Miles, and thinking of the +Licence, he remembered he had not taken his Wife's Christian Name, and +so he rode back again as hard as he could drive, and, riding up to the +House, he found the eldest Daughter standing at the Door, so he asked +her what was her Christian Name? She told him; he bid her a Good-Night, +and away he goes. + +The Day being come, and the Licence being got ready, the Parson comes to +fetch his Wife; away goes the Father with him, and his three Daughters, +and two or three other Relations, to the Church, where the Parson and +Clerk were ready to make Matrimonial Execution: The Parson asked the +Father and Parson _G----_, which of the Daughters was to be married; +they answered the second Daughter; but the Parson told them the first +Daughter's Name was in the Licence, and therefore he could not marry +them till they had got another Licence. Parson _G----_ told them, he +could not defer it any longer, and therefore he would be dispatched +somehow or other, and told them it was all one to him which of them he +had, and so he goes to the Eldest, and asks her whether she would have +him? And she, having better considered of the Point, answered Yes, and +so they were married. + +From Church they went Home to her Father's House, where, having dined, +he tells his Wife she must put up such Things as she designed to carry +Home with her, for he would quickly be going Homewards: The Relations +begged of him to stay all Night, and bed his Wife at her Father's House, +it being the usual Custom so to do; he told them, he would lie no where +but at his own House, and that he would be going presently. The +Relations finding no Arguments would prevail upon him to tarry, they got +Mrs. _Bride_ ready; and the Parson, coming to the Door, espied several +Horses ready saddled and bridled; he asked, what the Meaning of those +Horses Was? They told him, for some of his Wife's Relations, to +accompany him Home; he said, no Body should go along with him but his +Wife; and so they were forced to stable their Horses, and let the +married Couple go Home by themselves. + +When they came Home, he conducted her into the House, and saluted her, +which was the first Time; and, after he had bid her Welcome, and they +had sat about Half an Hour, the Parson calls the old Maid, and bids her +bring the Spinning wheel, and told his Wife, he did not doubt but she +was a good Housewife, and knew how to make Use of that Instrument: She +told him, Yes; then he tells her, he did expect she would work while he +was at Work, and no longer; so away goes he to his Study, and Mrs. +_Bride_ to Working with the Whirling-engine; about an Hour after he +comes down and tells her, now she must leave Work, and bids the old Maid +get Supper ready. After they had supped, he goes into his Study, and she +to her Spinning-wheel; when he returns again from his Study, he tells +her, now she must leave Work; after a short Discourse, he went to +Prayers with the Family, and then orders the old Maid to light her +Mistress up Stairs, and put her to Bed. + +Away goes Madam _Bride_ to Bed, without any Ceremony of eating +Sack-posset, or throwing the Stocking; and, as soon as she was in Bed, +in comes the Parson, and to Bed goes he; but, sitting up in it, he bids +the Maid bring him the little Table, a great Candle, and such a Book +from the Study, which she did, and the Parson went to his Reading; upon +which, the Bride calls to the Maid: The Parson asked her, what she +wanted? She told him, Something: The Maid coming, he bid her speak to +her Mistress, who bids her bring up the Spinning-wheel, and a great +Candle in the long Candlestick, which the Maid having done, Mrs. _Bride_ +went to Whirling it about as hard as ever she could drive; at which the +Parson could hardly forbear Bursting out into Laughter, and, finding +that Spinning and Reading did not agree well together, he put out his +Candle, and laid him down in Bed like a good Husband. + +The next Morning he told her, that he found her a Wife of a suitable +Temper to himself, and that, for the Future, she might work or play when +she pleased; that he left all his temporal Concerns to her Management, +and they lived a very happy Couple together, till Death parted them. + +This, Madam, is indeed a very comical Story; however, the young Woman +got a good Husband by the Bargain: Humours are indeed very uneasy +Companions, but the whole Course of human Life is attended with Mixtures +of Pleasure and Pain, and it is but common Prudence for us to overlook a +few Impertinences, rather than lose the most necessary Comforts of Life. +We have all of us our Whims and Humours in Relation to Matrimony; +sometimes they abound in the Parents, and sometimes in the Children, +sometimes in the Husband, sometimes in the Wife; for my Part I do not +know who is clear of them. We are now fallen into the Humour of telling +Stories under this green Bower, as if we were in a Chimney-corner at +_Christmas_, which is a Sort of Impertinence, pardonable in those who +have Nothing to do but pass away their Time in Tattle, and Reading of +Books; however, it is more commendable than to gossip, as the _London_ +Ladies do, over Sack and Walnuts, cool Tankards, and cold Tea, and all +the Time rail at their Husbands for being at the Tavern; I will +propagate the Humour we are fallen into, by telling you a true Story of +a miserly old Humourist. + +A certain Country Gentleman of about one-thousand Pounds _per Annum_, +having buried his Wife and all his Children, took a Brother's Son into +the House, as his Heir, and gave him the best Education that Country +would afford; the Boy being a Youth of clean Parts, and good Ingenuity, +he improved to an extraordinary Degree in so barren a Soil, and so very +dutiful withal, that the old Man perfectly doated on him, and was uneasy +when he was out of his Company. When he came to Years of Maturity, was +grown ripe, and ready to be shaken into the Matrimonial Bed, the old +Gentleman asked him, Whether he was inclined to marry? The young Man, +with an unwilling Modesty, told him, what he pleased; he wholly referred +that, and every Thing else relating to himself, to his Care, thinking +himself always happy and safe under his Conduct. Says the old Cuff, Thou +hast been a very dutiful Child to me, and therefore, says he, I am +willing to please thee: Shall I look thee out a Wife? The young Man (who +without Doubt would have been better pleased to have looked out a Wife +for himself) answered, With all his Heart. + +The old Gentleman looks out accordingly, and, being well known in the +Country, was not long in Pursuit of a Wife for his Nephew, which +happened to be a Gentleman's Daughter about ten Miles distant from his +own Habitation: The two old People discoursed the Matter, and came to +this Resolution, That the two young ones should have an Interview, and +see how they liked one another. Home comes the old Man, and acquainted +his Nephew that he had pitched upon a Wife for him, one of Mr. ----'s +Daughters, who were all of them virtuous young Women, and every Way +suitable to his Quality and Circumstances; although their Portions were +but small, their Father having met with many Misfortunes, yet the +Virtues inherent in them rendered them equal to himself. The young Man +returned him Abundance of Thanks, and did not, in the least, question +the Prudence of his Choice. + +Now was the young Man to have an Interview with Mrs. _Bride_ elect, and +his Uncle retired into Consultation with himself, how to equip his +Nephew for that Enterprise; at first, he determined to send to _London_ +to have him a new Suit of Cloaths made, that he might appear like a +Courtier; but, upon second Thoughts, and to save his Money, he told him, +he could better provide for him at Home; for, says he, you are just of +my Size, and I have above Stairs, in the Press, all my Wedding-cloaths, +which were the best I could lay my Hands on, both for the Fineness of +the Cloth, and the Silk Lining: I am sure they are so good, that I never +wore them above four or five Times in all my Life, and they are never +the worse for Wearing: I will assure thee, if I had not a great Respect +for thee, thou shouldest never have them: What sayest thou, Child, wilt +thou try them on? With all my Heart, replied the young Spark; up goes +the old Man and brings them down, he puts them on, and they fitted +exactly. The Coat-sleeves were gloriously cut and slashed, small Buttons +on the Coat, a little bigger than Pease; the Pockets about a Handful +below the Knees, the Breeches were open-kneed, a great Deal wider than a +_Flanderkin_'s Trousers, hung all around with Abundance of little +Ribbons; the old Gentleman asked him how he liked them? Very well, Sir, +replies the Spark. Now, says the old Man, for a Hat; I have a special +Beaver I bought along with these Cloaths, which he also produced; it had +a Crown as high, and in Form of a Sugar-loaf, with Brims as broad as a +Tea-table; the young Gentleman thanked him heartily for it also. Now, +says the old Cuff, there is Nothing wanting but a Pair of Boots, which I +have by me, and which being brought, the young Spark tried them on, and +they fitted exactly; they were of a Russet Colour with white Tops: Pray, +says the old Man, take great Care of these Boots, it is wet Weather and +may spoil them, therefore I would advise thee to twist some Hay-bands +about them for their Security, and, when you come near the House, pull +them off, and then they will be neat and clean as they were at my +Wedding: But one Thing I had almost forgot, Hast thou got any Money? Not +one Penny, replied the Spark; Well thought on, says his Uncle, Courtship +is chargeable, here is Half a Crown, pray make good Use of it. The young +Gentleman, thus equipped, looked like one of Queen _Elisabeth_'s +Courtiers come from the Dead, or, like Snow on the Grass and Trees about +_Midsummer_; but what would one not undergo for a good Wife or Husband? + +The young Man gets up early the next Morning, and having resumed his +former Accoutrements, and mounting on the Outside of his Uncle's best +Palfrey, away he trots in Pursuit of his Lady; you may be sure the +People gazed, and the Dogs barked sufficiently on the Road at this human +Scarecrow on Horseback; but the Worst of it was, as he came within +Bow-shot of his Mistress's Tabernacle, the young Lady was looking out at +the Window, and espying such a Figure, she called her other two Sisters, +and told them that Merry _Andrew_ was coming, which put them into a +great Fit of Laughter, till, approaching nearer, one of them cries out, +It is Mr. ----'s Nephew, and, knowing his Business, they sent a Man to +take his Horse, and their Father and Mother received him very genteelly +at the Door, and ushered him into the House. + +But, as if Fate had ordained that the poor Spark should be exposed in +his antiquated Habiliments, it so happened that Day there was an +Invitation of Gentlemen and Ladies to Dinner at the House; when Dinner +was ready and set on the Table, the young Spark was conducted from +another Room to the rest of the Guests; no sooner had he set his Foot on +the Threshold, but the Eyes of the whole Company were upon him; one +sneared, another tittered, a third laughed outright, no Body knowing the +Meaning of this odd Dress; so that indeed he was the Scaramouch of the +Company, but by that Time they had feasted their Eyes on him, and filled +their Stomachs with the Victuals, they found the Spark was very modest +and ingenious, and that his good Humour and Eloquence was more agreeable +to their Ears and Minds, than his Habit to their Eyes; and, by his +Ogling one of the Ladies more than the rest, they guessed at his Design; +and being unwilling to cramp Love in its Embryo, after Dinner they all +withdrew, and left that Lady and the Spark together. + +The Spark immediately takes the Opportunity to apologise for his Garb, +and told her how necessary it was for him to please his Uncle's Humour +in the Thing, which, though it made him ridiculous to the Company, he +hoped would not lessen her Esteem of his Person: The young Lady (who +knew she was to marry the Man, and not the Cloaths) told him, it was not +the Garb she looked at, but she had more Respect to his other +Accomplishments; and at this Rate they went on in Discourse of Love and +Matrimony for about two Hours. + +The Lady then thinking it uncivil any longer to withdraw herself, or +detain the Gentleman from the rest of the Company, she desired him to go +into the next Apartment, and take a Game at Cards with the young Ladies; +the Spark, knowing the Weakness of his Pocket, desired heartily to be +excused, but, being pressed by one he could in no wise refuse, he was at +last forced to give her the grand Argument, by making known to her his +_Job_'s Condition; she, understanding the Humour of his Uncle, guessed +the Money might as well be wanting as new Cloaths, and she desired his +Patience for a Minute or two, whilst she stepped out about a little +Business, which she did, and returns presently with a Purse of five +Pounds, desiring him to make Use of it. Upon which he waits upon her +into the next Room, where he played at Cards with the rest of the +Company, sometimes won, sometimes lost, but always pleased the Company +to Admiration, so that they all thought his Mistress extremely happy in +having so ingenious and good-humoured a Lover, though in an antiquated +Dress. + +To make short of my Story, he tarried with his Lady a full Fortnight, +and in that Time got her Consent, and the Consent of her Parents, and +returns Home to his Uncle with this joyful News, which extremely pleased +the old Gentleman; but he took Care to tell the old Man, that, according +to his own Words, he had found indeed that Courtship was chargeable, for +that he had spent Eighteen-pence of the Half-crown he gave him, and, +putting his Hand in his Pocket, he gave his Uncle the remaining +Shilling. Well, Child, says the Uncle, I commend thy Prudence and +Frugality, I find thou art to be trusted with Money and any Thing else, +and therefore I will settle Five hundred a Year upon thee in Marriage; +and giving him a good Sum of Money to buy him such Wedding-cloaths as he +should best like, the Marriage was soon after solemnised to the +Satisfaction both of Old and Young; they were a happy Pair, and the old +Man, dying some Years after, left them the Remainder of his Estate, +which made an Addition to their Happiness. + +_Politica._ Truly, Madam, the young Gentleman was enough ingenious; had +he been cross, and not pleased his Uncle's Humours, he would have been +disinherited, though I must confess, it is hard to render ourselves +ridiculous to a Degree of Folly, to please an old Humourist. But what is +not sinful can never be shameful, and how unpleasant soever our Actions +are in the Sight of Men, if they are otherwise in the Sight of God, it +is no Matter: A good Estate and Virtue make a Man beautiful in any Garb. +I believe I could conform myself to the Humours of the greatest +Caprichio, were I afterwards to be as happy as the young Lady you have +mentioned; we must all of us suffer some Way or other in our Pupillage: +The Apprentice serves out his Time with Chearfulness, in Expectation of +being his own Man at the seven Years End. Future Ease is a great +Encouragement to present Labour. But I know many young Men and Women are +ruined by the unaccountable Humours of their Parents and Governors, and +take such wicked Courses, that they are seldom or never reclaimed, +especially Women, who have once broken through the Bounds of Chastity. +It is a common Proverb amongst the Men, that, _Once a Whore and always a +Whore_. Though I have known this Proverb crossed; and, to level and make +our Stories even as we would do Marriages, I shall give you an Account +after what Manner: + +A Country Gentleman, who was a Justice of the Peace in the County of +_R----_, not having been in _London_ in his Life, or at least, not for a +long Time, being in Conversation with some of his Friends, heard them +speak of the Practice of lewd Women, in picking Men up in the Streets. +The Gentleman, being a Stranger to this abominable Practice, could not +believe any Women could be so impudent, as they reported them to be; but +they told him, he might experience the Contrary any Evening when he +pleased. The Gentleman was resolved to make the Experiment, and one +Evening in _Fleetstreet_ he takes Notice of a very pretty Gentlewoman, +which eyed him very narrowly, whereupon he asked her to drink a Glass of +Wine; she agreed at the first Word, and went with him to the next +Tavern. + +When the Gentleman and his Doxy were seated in a Room, and had some Wine +brought them, they drank very civilly one to the other; but Miss +expected to be attacked, after another Sort of Manner than she found by +the Gentleman: For he asked her, how long she had continued that Trade; +she told him, as they all do, but a very short Time; then he continues, +how can you dare to live in Rebellion both against the Laws of God and +Man, and impudently pursue Methods to destroy both your Body, and your +immortal Soul? In short, he read her such a Lecture, that she, not being +hardened in Sin as are the Generality of those Miscreants, burst out +into a Flood of Tears, and told him, that it was not without a wonderful +Remorse of Conscience she followed that wicked Course of Life, and +protested to him, that it was pure Necessity obliged her to it, for +otherwise she could not get a Subsistence. The Gentleman asked her +further, How she came first to be debauched? She told him her Father was +a Country Gentleman, who had extravagantly spent a plentiful Estate, and +then dying, left her to the wide World unprovided for: She thought +_London_ was the best Place to get her a Livelihood in, and thither she +came, but very unfortunately fell into the Hands of a lewd Woman, who +betrayed her to the Lust of a Gentleman, who was no more than once +concerned with her, and then advised her to ply the Streets; and, that +he himself was the first Person that ever had picked her up. + +The Gentleman told her, it was hard to believe Persons who had been +guilty of such heinous Crimes, and very heartily admonished her to +forsake her evil Practices, to repent of what she had already done, and +to amend her Life for the Future; she gave him many Thanks for his good +Advice, and told him, she should think herself a very happy Person, if +either he, or any one else, would put her in a Way to live otherwise; he +told her, if she would resolve to amend for the Future, he would take +Care to provide for her; she promised him, with all the Asseverations +imaginable, that she would: Whereupon he told her, that she should meet +him the next Day at a certain Time and Place; she coming according to +Appointment, he put her into a Lodging he had provided, and being well +assured of her Repentance and Sincerity, and finding her an accomplished +Gentlewoman, soon after married her; and she made him a chaste and happy +Wife, and he lived as happily with her, as if she had been possessed of +a Portion of Thousands of Pounds. + +_Sophia._ If I had here a Bottle of Wine, I would drink that Gentleman's +Health; he, under God, saved the Body and Soul of that poor Creature, +and made a Saint, by taking a Sinner to his Bed. I cannot chuse but +reflect on our Discourse, how naturally we have fallen from the +Discourse of Matrimony, to Love Stories; we have talked away the Time, +as Children cry themselves asleep. But we must be gone, the Sun is just +down, and we shall be wanted at Supper. + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's note: + +This extract and the Mundus Foppensis were both included in a book +published by the Augustan Reprint Society in 1992, with the title +cover as shown below. There are a number of words spelt differently +from spelling used today. Some words have been changed. They are +japan to Japan, Sweet-meets to Sweet-meats, sollicit to solicit, +and hugy to hugely. + + + + THE + Harleian Miscellany: + OR, A + COLLECTION + OF + SCARCE, CURIOUS, and ENTERTAINING + PAMPHLETS and TRACTS, + As well in Manuscript as in Print, + Found in the late + EARL of _OXFORD_'s LIBRARY. + INTERSPERSED + With HISTORICAL, POLITICAL, and CRITICAL NOTES. + WITH + A Table of the CONTENTS. + + VOL. V. + + LONDON: + Printed for _T. OSBORNE_, in _Gray's-Inn_. MDCCXLV. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LEVELLERS*** + + +******* This file should be named 39478.txt or 39478.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/9/4/7/39478 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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