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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 62,
+Jan 13, 1872, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 62, Jan 13, 1872
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 10, 2011 [EBook #38261]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
+Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+VOL. 62.
+JANUARY 13, 1872.
+
+
+[Illustration: A STRAIGHTFORWARD VIEW.
+
+_High Church Curate._ "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. SIMPSON, ABOUT A
+CLERGYMAN'S TURNING TO THE EAST?"
+
+_Literal Churchwarden._ "WELL, SIR, MY OPINION IS, THAT IF THE CLERGYMAN
+IS GOODLOOKIN', HE DON'T WANT TO TURN HIS BACK TO THE CONGREGATION!"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          POKES IN PANTOMIMES.
+
+_NON omnia possumus omnes_; we are not all Popes, nor should we be
+omnipotent even if we were infallible. The _Daily News_ is a journal of
+ability; but there is a certain inconsistency, the cause of which it
+declares itself unable to fathom:--
+
+    "That all personal allusions to the private lives of individuals
+    should be eschewed on the stage, we readily admit. Indeed, we
+    sympathise with DR. JOHNSON, who, on hearing that FOOTE, the
+    actor, intended to imitate his mien and gestures, inquired the
+    price of a good thick stick; but why, in the name of common
+    sense, when caricatures of MR. GLADSTONE and MR. LOWE weekly
+    appear in humorous journals, and when scarcely a day passes
+    without these gentlemen being attacked in print on account of
+    one or other of their public acts, every harmless joke upon
+    their official doings should be expunged from the pantomimes,
+    surpasses comprehension."
+
+Our excellent contemporary forgets that there is in theatres a place
+called the Gallery. This place is occupied by a peculiar description of
+audience and spectators. In the theatre, by physical position, they
+constitute the higher orders, but in common talk are contrariwise named.
+Of old, bloated aristocrats were wont ironically to style them "the
+Gods." Enlightened Statesmen, however, with a just appreciation of their
+value as British voters, use to call them the People. Now the People of
+the Gallery are not accustomed to read humorous journals in which
+caricatures of the People's WILLIAM, and the People's ROBERT, appear
+weekly. If they were, it would be necessary for the humorous journals to
+be very careful in caricaturing those popular Ministers, lest
+caricatures should endanger their popularity. The People of the Gallery
+are our flesh and blood, but they are as yet uneducated, and apt to take
+jokes too seriously. If the _Clown_ in a Pantomime were to tread upon a
+match-box, and get blown up sky-high, or if, assisted by the
+_Pantaloon_, he presented a working man in an arsenal with a sack, these
+performances, to the occupants of the boxes indeed, would be harmless
+jokes, but the effect produced by them in the electoral way would
+probably be mischievous, in a gallery filled with friends and relations
+of match-venders and dockyard labourers.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                           =The Best Tonic.=
+
+THE Doctors disapprove of alcohol, but they are as alive as ever to the
+cheering effect of "good spirits" on their patients.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                         PROBABLE INTELLIGENCE.
+
+THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, being thoroughly convinced of the
+injustice of the Income-tax, is maturing a measure for its total
+abolition. To prove that he is perfectly sincere in the task he
+undertakes, he has resolved to throw up office if the tax again be
+voted.
+
+MR. AYRTON is engaged in studying the Fine Arts, with a view to being
+able to lecture LORD ELCHO and others on the subject, and also to defend
+the action of the Government in resisting all attempts to improve the
+National Gallery.
+
+In the fear lest His Holiness be forced to quit the Vatican, MR.
+WHALLEY, M.P., has written, very generously, to offer his own residence
+as an asylum for the POPE, while exiled from his kingdom.
+
+It is proposed, at the conclusion of the Tichborne trial, to treat the
+Judge and Jury to a trip upon the Continent, in order to prevent them
+from becoming monomaniacs, through having their minds occupied so long
+with one subject.
+
+It is considered almost certain that M. THIERS will seize a very early
+opportunity to vacate his seat, as President, in favour either of the
+COMTE DE PARIS or of M. GAMBETTA.
+
+The game slaughtered at the _battues_ of eleven noble sportsmen (all
+members of the Legislature), has been carefully distributed among the
+East-End poor.
+
+It has been ascertained, by an accurate survey in London and the
+provinces, that no fewer than one pantomime has been produced this
+season, without containing any humorous allusion to "the Claimant."
+
+MR. GLADSTONE has received one hundred and twelve letters, from
+Peterborough, Hanwell, Colney Hatch, and other places, asking for a
+confirmation of the rumour that his great-great-grandmother embraced the
+Jewish faith.
+
+More than a hundred noble members of the Gun Club have withdrawn their
+names this season, and have transferred their subscriptions to the
+Humane Society.
+
+Among the measures likely to be introduced by Government are: (1) a Bill
+for the Reduction of the Prices charged by Butchers; (2) a Bill to
+Compel Londoners to Clean their Streets in Dirty Weather; and (3) a Bill
+to Disafforest Primrose Hill and the Brighton Cliffs and Racecourse.
+
+The First Lord of the Admiralty has been taking a few lessons in
+political navigation, with the view, upon emergency, of taking chief
+command of the vessel of the State.
+
+It is considered highly probable that, following the good example of
+some Dramatic Managers, certain Barristers and Doctors in the very
+highest practice intend to decorate their waiting-rooms with little
+placards of "NO FEES!"
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                              JUST A HINT.
+
+IS there not a bit of SYDNEY SMITH'S, wherein that divine, describing a
+Scottish rising against English tyranny, says that SAWNEY betook himself
+to the heather, and, having scratched himself with one hand, and cast up
+an account with the other, suddenly waxed furious, and drew his sword?
+We hope that certain Transatlantic friends of ours will not bring in so
+tremendous a bill against us, as to make it cheaper for us to fight than
+to pay. For we love them very much, but we are obliged to be awfully
+economical in these Gladstonian days.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                      =Mathematical Intelligence.=
+
+IT would puzzle a Senior Wrangler to find out how to square a circle.
+Yet TOMKINS Junior says that, though he is only twelve years old, he
+will back himself on any given morning to get round a square.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: ----"WE ARE SUCH STUFF AS DREAMS ARE MADE OF----"
+_Tempest._]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                         =EVENINGS FROM HOME.=
+
+THE next place of Amusement to which MR. BARLOW took his two young
+pupils was the STRAND THEATRE. Here they saw _Arion, or the Story of a
+Lyre_, and were highly diverted with the two Showmen, played by MESSRS.
+PAULTON and TERRY, whose duet of "_Walk Up and See my Show_," they so
+vehemently applauded as to draw forth a reproof from their worthy
+preceptor, who, however, on observing that these comedians seemed to be
+possessed of an inexhaustible stock of fresh verses applicable to the
+circumstances of the times, was induced to join TOMMY and HARRY in the
+commendations which were most liberally bestowed by the audience upon
+this portion of the performance. On returning to their lodgings both
+TOMMY and HARRY, neither of whom had up to this time ever evinced any
+musical capacity, attempted to recall the pleasing airs they had heard
+at the Strand Theatre, and only ceased from their praiseworthy
+endeavours on receiving MR. BARLOW'S promise that he would take them
+again to witness the same piece, if TOMMY (whose father, being a very
+wealthy man, had recently bestowed upon his son a handsome Christmas
+gratuity) would pay for three stalls, or at least three places, in the
+Dress Circle.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+On the following night they went to the PRINCESS'S, to see MR. WATTS
+PHILLIPS'S play of _On the Jury_, followed by a Pantomime called _Little
+Dicky Dilver_.
+
+At the entrance to the Stalls a civil person relieved them of their
+overcoats and hats; and TOMMY, upon whom his tutor's example, on the
+occasion of their visit to Drury Lane, had not been lost, expressed his
+gratitude to the honest stranger in the most affectionate manner.
+
+TOMMY now discovered a further opportunity of making himself acquainted
+with the science of Astronomy, which he had already set himself
+diligently to learn.
+
+_Mr. Barlow._ At this theatre you will behold a constellation of talent.
+
+_Tommy._ But pray, Sir, what is a "constellation"?
+
+"Persons," answered MR. BARLOW, "have observed certain stars remarkable
+either for their brightness or position, or both. These stars, joined
+together, are termed 'constellations.' Here you have three Stars--MR.
+WEBSTER, MR. PHELPS, and MISS FURTADO."
+
+_Tommy._ Then these are, as you say, Sir, "remarkable for their
+brightness or position."
+
+_Mr. Barlow._ Yes. And in time, no doubt, I shall be able to make you
+acquainted with the names and the appearance of all the Stars in London.
+
+_Tommy._ Sir, I am much obliged to you, indeed. But of what use is it to
+know the Stars?
+
+_Mr. Barlow._ There are some, and those very important, uses to be
+derived from an acquaintance with the Stars. HARRY, do you tell MASTER
+MERTON the story of _The Free Admission and the Grateful Turk_.
+
+HARRY was commencing the story when the curtain, being drawn up,
+disclosed to them the First Scene of _On the Jury_.
+
+_Mr. Barlow._ This would indeed be a very good piece, but for faulty
+construction. Yet, for epigrammatic dialogue and dramatic situations, it
+has not, at this present moment, its equal in town. You have been
+silent, TOMMY, for some time.
+
+_Tommy._ Indeed, Sir, I never was more surprised or diverted; and as for
+one of your Stars, MISS FURTADO,--Dear Heart! I protest I could watch
+her every evening with the greatest delight.
+
+MR. BARLOW, observing his pupil's excitement, laughed at TOMMY in his
+usual good-natured manner, and pointed out to him the example of the
+poor Greenlanders as worthy of his imitation.
+
+"What is that, Sir?" inquired TOMMY.
+
+"They are brought up to so much moderation and self-command," said MR.
+BARLOW, "that they never give way to the sudden impulses of passion so
+common among Europeans. And see, you have split your new white kid
+gloves in applauding this young lady." Then turning to HARRY, he asked
+him if he had not been touched by the acting of MR. WEBSTER in this
+piece.
+
+_Harry._ Indeed, Sir, I pitied him from my heart. _Mr. Tibbetts_ was a
+hardly-used gentleman. And I think that no one could have played more
+admirably than the gentleman who took the part of _Dexter Sanderson,
+Esq._
+
+_Mr. Barlow._ You mean MR. PHELPS, and you are right. It is indeed a
+fine piece of acting. There is so much breadth, and yet such a thorough
+finish, in this performance, that it would be worth the while of many of
+our younger actors (who flatter themselves on their consummate art, in
+consequence of having been unduly praised for their few achievements) to
+come here and take a lesson from MR. PHELPS.
+
+MR. BARLOW added that it was a pity so excellent a piece should be
+wellnigh spoiled by the introduction of a vulgar Sensation Scene, and
+its construction marred by the awkward contrivance in the last Act. He
+further complained that it should be thought necessary to commence it at
+seven, and to supplement such an attraction, as this ought to be, with a
+Pantomime.
+
+TOMMY and HARRY were not, however, of his mind upon this point, and
+insisted upon stopping to see the _Clown_. They were somewhat
+disappointed with the Pantomime, but professed themselves prodigiously
+delighted with MR. LLOYD'S scenery.
+
+On coming out, an obliging official handed to them their overcoats,
+wrappers, and hats. TOMMY'S little heart was much affected by this
+kindly attention; so, pulling out his purse, he poured its contents
+(four bright new farthings and three peppermint lozenges) into the
+honest fellow's hand, saying, "Here, my good man, take this, and Heaven
+bless you!" It is impossible to express the surprise of the poor man at
+the sight. He stared wildly round him, and would have fallen but for the
+tender support of his assistant, who imagined that his companion had
+lost his senses. But the man cried out, "O, WILLIAM, I am not mad! See
+what Providence has sent us by the hands of this little angel!" Saying
+this, he held up the money and the lozenges. But TOMMY went up to them
+both, and said, "My good friends, you are very welcome to this: I freely
+give it to you. Spend the money soberly; and, for the lozenges, give
+them to your children, if you have any, or suck them yourselves in your
+leisure moments." Before the entranced officials, who were totally
+unaccustomed to receive such benefactions, could dry their tears, TOMMY
+was out of sight, having followed MR. BARLOW and HARRY to the door.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+MR. BARLOW now took MASTER TOMMY and HARRY to EVANS'S Supper Rooms, to
+enter which place they had to pay a shilling apiece. This troubled their
+worthy preceptor, who, indeed, was painfully struck, as he informed his
+young friends, by the altered aspect of the interior. MR. BARLOW
+explained to them that in _his_ time the room was snug, cosy, and
+comfortable, and only one quarter of its present size. That _then_ there
+were neither carpet nor tavern-like mirrors. "True," said MR. BARLOW,
+"that all that was objectionable in the entertainment of former days has
+long ere this disappeared, and now I see there is a gallery where the
+"opposite sex," in very private boxes, can, like fairy sprites, sit
+invisible, and listen to mortal melody. In the old time," continued MR.
+BARLOW, "you were welcomed by the Proprietor as a personal friend, who
+would call JOHN to get the hot chop or kidneys for you at once, and give
+the order himself, returning to see if you were comfortably served. Then
+the waiters flew, and to command was to have. Now, TOMMY, observe I have
+spoken to these waiters, and have ordered my supper more than twenty
+minutes since, and it has not appeared. See MR. GREEN himself" (the
+veteran here came up, and having affectionately greeted his dear boys,
+MASTERS SANDFORD and MERTON, wandered away to another part of the room),
+"he is no longer Proprietor; he is only nominally in authority, his
+occupation is, in effect, gone; he is the only connecting link between
+the past and present EVANS'S, 'retained,' to quote his own immortal line
+about the lamented VON JOEL, 'on the establishment, in consequence of
+his long services.'"
+
+So affected were both HARRY and TOMMY by MR. BARLOW'S discourse that
+they begged to be allowed to quit a place which only aroused so much
+sadness in the breast of their beloved preceptor. As they were leaving,
+MR. BARLOW paid a shilling for some refreshment which he had taken,
+whereupon the waiter begged to be remembered, which MR. BARLOW, being
+blessed with a good memory, willingly consented to do. But the waiter
+candidly explaining that he was expecting a trifle for his trouble, MR.
+BARLOW could not refrain from expostulating with the honest fellow on
+the absurdity of such a system, and informed the boys, that, in the old
+and palmy days of EVANS'S there was no charge for admission, and the
+attention bestowed on visitors being admirable, it was a pleasure to
+bestow some gratuity upon the attendants, which was always received by
+the money collector at the door with a grateful "I thank you, Sir. Good
+night, Sir."
+
+While MR. BARLOW was thus addressing MASTERS HARRY and TOMMY, the waiter
+was summoned to a distant quarter of the room, whereupon they ascended
+the steps, and found themselves in the Piazza of Covent Garden.
+
+"Farewell, EVANS'S!" said MR. BARLOW, sadly; "I know not that I shall
+darken thy doors again!"
+
+"What you were saying, Sir," observed HARRY on their reaching their
+lodgings, "reminds me of the story of _Tigranes and the Amphibious
+Black_."
+
+_Mr. Barlow._ I do not think TOMMY MERTON has heard it.
+
+_Harry._ Well, you must know, MASTER TOMMY----
+
+But TOMMY had gone straight up-stairs to bed.
+
+MR. BARLOW, who knew the story by heart, having, indeed, himself told it
+to MASTER HARRY, then took his candle, and wishing HARRY a very good
+night, retired.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                              VIAE ANTIQUAE.
+
+IT is pleasant to make honourable mention, in _Mr. Punch's_ columns, of
+anything bearing the name of JERROLD. The latest appearance of this name
+is in conjunction with that of GUSTAVE DORE--a household word. Two
+artists have been making a pilgrimage through London together, and each,
+with his own implement, is recording his experiences, the result to be a
+beautiful book, whereof an inviting specimen has appeared. _Mr. Punch_
+is glad to welcome a new memorial of Augusta Trinobantum, especially as
+that city is being so rapidly "improved," especially in the parts most
+likely to attract the eye of M. DORE, that it will soon be all as
+colourless as a Boulevard or Regent Street. If MR. JERROLD will show M.
+DORE anything that shall call out the power lavished on the houses in
+the pictures to a certain book of _Contes_, the two will do the good
+deed of apprising posterity that London was the production of
+architects, and not of excessively respectable contractors for building
+purposes.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                           =Royal Clemency.=
+
+WE have heard, with gratification, that the remainder of the sentence on
+JOHN POYNTZ SPENCER, who was sent to Ireland in 1868, and who has since
+been immured in Dublin Castle, is likely to be remitted. His admirable
+conduct during his exile has endeared him to all, and his return will
+be warmly welcomed. It will be felt that he has amply expiated the
+political offence of being a Whig Head-Centre, and we trust that an
+honourable future is in store for him.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          =SANITARY SERMONS.=
+
+[Illustration: M]OST of our contemporaries have lately improved an
+alarming occasion with many monitory observations on typhoid fever. The
+whole of these, however, reducible into a few words, may be pretty well
+summed up in the caution,--Look to your drains. In addition, _Dr. Punch_
+begs to offer a piece of advice _gratis_ to all persons in possession of
+his universal remedy, price 3_d._, 4_d._ stamped, to counterfeit which
+is piracy. Look to yourselves.
+
+Pestiferous as is the atmosphere of sewers, not only do rats live, but
+labourers work in it, the former wholly, the latter for most part with
+impunity. The rodents get acclimatised, unless it be that instinct
+impels them to take some sort of vegetable or other preventive of
+zymotic and mephitic diseases. As for the working-men, they smoke
+pipes of tobacco almost to a man, and as generally prescribe for and
+administer to themselves alcohol in some one or other of its forms,
+commonly that of something short, which, if asked to give it a name, we
+will call gin, or euphemistically, Old Tom, not to say, dyslogistically,
+blue ruin, for the useless sake of pleasing the United Kingdom Alliance;
+those conspirators against the potatory liberty of the subject who hate
+us youth, and specially abhor _Punch_. The gin-drinking, prevalent among
+the population of the slums, comes of a sense which is medicinal, and
+the medicine would, in effect, be altogether salutary but for the
+tendency of people to take it in over-doses.
+
+Everybody knows how continually medical men are exposed to all manner of
+contagion, and how very seldom they catch any disease. They, it is true,
+are not in the habit of asking particularly for gin on coming out of a
+sick-room: but they are accustomed to take, or do, whatsoever may be
+requisite to maintain the bodily conditions which resist or expel
+poisonous or morbid effluvia.
+
+Look to your drains, by all means; but look also to the natural gates
+and alleys of the body--keep them clear, and permeable, and pervious.
+By what means? Therein the patient may minister to himself if he can,
+or else should inquire of his doctor, who will let him know. There is,
+however, a popular panacea which he will find invariably efficacious.
+The prophylactic as well as therapeutic virtues of _Punch_, of
+_Punch's Pocket-Book_, and _Punch's Almanack_, are so universally
+known and so deservedly celebrated that any recommendation beyond the
+merest reference to those powerful tonic, stimulant, and antiseptic
+publications would be superfluous puffery. How much caution soever the
+Faculty may recommend in prescribing alcohol in whatsoever form, they
+are of unanimous opinion that nobody need hesitate to give or take any
+quantity of _Punch_.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                         FAIR PLAY FOR LOOSHAI.
+
+THERE is one thing worth note in the manners (or want of manners) of our
+present enemies the Looshai folk. The _Standard_ says that they delight
+"in transposition of the component parts of the names of places and
+chiefs. Thus, SOOK-PI-LAL is often converted into LAL-PI-SOOK. A similar
+practice frequently prevails in British India; the lower class of
+natives constantly substituting Nucklow for Lucknow." Call these people
+savages! Why, they are as witty as most members of the Stock Exchange.
+What higher flight can the latter generally attain than the feat of
+calling "ROBINSON AND THOMSON" "TOBINSON AND ROMSON," or saying that
+JONES lives at "Wampton Hick?" We hope that these Orientals will be
+treated with as much consideration as may be. They are none so
+uncivilised, as times go. Perhaps they like burlesques.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                      =Parallels for the People.=
+
+A BRIGHT idea is that of establishing "Public-houses without Drink."
+Would it not be improved upon by the institution of Restaurants without
+Meat?
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: VIVIFYING TREATMENT OF A PARTNER.
+
+(_A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season._)
+
+_Young Lady_ (_to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places_).
+"NOW----I'VE BEEN TO FOUNTAINS ABBEY, AND TO BOLTON, AND I'VE SEEN THE
+BRIMHAM ROCKS, AND THE DROPPING WELL, AND THE VIEW FROM THE OBSERVATORY,
+AND WE HAD A MORNING IN YORK MINSTER, AND WE HAVE BEEN HERE A FORTNIGHT,
+AND WE ARE GOING TO STAY ANOTHER, AND PAPA TAKES THE CHALYBEATE WATERS,
+AND I AM VERY GLAD THE CAVALRY ARE COMING. _NOW_ YOU MAY BEGIN
+CONVERSATION."                           [_Utter Collapse of Partner._ ]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          "COME ABOARD, SIR!"
+
+        "COME aboard, Sir!" to the Captain
+          Says JOHN BRIGHT, A.B,
+        As he touches his tarpaulin,
+          Smart and sailorly.
+        And the watch look pleased as Punches,
+          Officers and men,
+        For A.B.'s like JOHN are always
+          Welcome back again!
+
+        Over deck, and spars, and rigging
+          JOHN he slues his eye;
+        Gives a seaman's squint to leeward,
+          Scanning sea and sky;
+        At the binnacle he glances,
+          Notes the course she steers;
+        Nought on board or in the offing,
+          Scapes his eyes and ears.
+
+        For the ship has seen hard weather,
+          And some people say;
+        CAPTAIN GLADSTONE ain't the man he
+          Was the other day:
+        And if you believe the croakers,
+          Officers and crew,
+        Don't pull with a will together,
+          As they used to do.
+
+        Certain 'tis, since JOHN BRIGHT left her,
+          His sick leave to take,
+        The old craft, in last year's cruising,
+          Had an ugly shake.
+        Made poor day's-works, too much lee-way;
+          Badly fouled her screw:
+        Scraped her copper, if she didn't
+          Start a plate or two.
+
+        Certain 'tis, with crew and captain,
+          Officers also,
+        Things don't go on quite as pleasant
+          As they used to go.
+        There's been some high-handed doings,
+          Some quite the reverse;
+        Some's took sick, and some's took sulky;
+          Some took soft, or worse.
+
+        There's sea-lawyers--donkey-engines
+          Can't their slack haul in;
+        You may stop their grog, you'll never
+          Stop the yarns they spin:
+        There's your discontented beggars,
+          Nothing e'er can please;
+        There's your pennywise 'uns, nibbling
+          At the dips and cheese.
+
+        There's your mutineers, for mischief
+          Ripe 'gainst flag and Crown;
+        Never pleased unless they're turning
+          'Tween-decks upside down.
+        There's your Queen's bad bargains, shirking
+          Work, whoever strain:
+        Trimmers COX'S traverse working--
+          "There and back again."
+
+        Green-hands, as can't fudge a reckoning,
+          Of a watch in charge;
+        Looking after the _Britannia_,
+          And can't steer a barge!
+        For the Captain has his fancies--
+          When he's picked a man
+        For a job, whoe'er can't do it,
+          _He's_ the chap as _can_.
+
+        Anyway the ship's the better
+          By a good A.B.,
+        Now JOHN BRIGHT is all a-taunto,
+          And come back to sea.
+        Be't to talk to the blue-jackets
+          Like a 'cute old salt;
+        Con the ship, or call the soundings,
+          Hide or slang a fault--
+
+        On the yardarm, big guns blowing,
+          Weather ear-ring take;
+        With bright yarns, to keep the watches
+          Spry and wide-awake;
+        So as to give cyclones the go-by,
+          Safest course to steer;
+        Canvas when to spread, when shorten,
+          With a lee-shore near--
+
+        No A.B. in the _Britannia_
+          Better knows than JOHN:
+        Which let's hope that CAPTAIN G. will
+          Take his advice thereon.
+        Well we know that now JOHN'S buckled
+          To his work again,
+        'Twill for officers be better,
+          And for ship and men!
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: "OFF GREENWICH."
+
+JOHN BRIGHT. "COME ABOARD, SIR!"
+
+CAPTAIN GLADSTONE. "GLAD TO SEE YOU, JOHN. GLAD YOU'RE A.B. AGAIN. IF IT
+COMES ON TO BLOW, WE MAY WANT YOUR ASSISTANCE."]
+
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                      CHRISTMAS BOXES FOR BEAUTY.
+
+A NOVEL kind of Christmas Box is suggested by a legend which _Mr. Punch_
+lately beheld in the window of a hair-dresser's shop--"Presents for
+Christmas." It was posted in the midst of a variety of Chignons. A box
+containing a quantity of false hair is the Christmas-Box thereby
+presented to the imagination of the passer-by. But who would offer it to
+a young lady? Such a present is equivalent to the gift of a wig. It is a
+Christmas-Box or a New Year's Gift of a class in which may be included
+several other articles of a similar description, but more useful, and
+much more ornamental. For instance, you might give a friend in need,
+personal and pecuniary, a Christmas-Box in the shape of a set of
+artificial teeth, or the "Guinea Jaw" of our friend the Dentist, or a
+glass eye, or a gutta-percha nose, or a wooden leg.
+
+Some of the "Presents for Christmas" above referred to were Chignons
+which looked like horses' tails. Others of the Chignons for
+Christmas-Boxes exhibited a remarkable resemblance to the tail of a
+comet, from which eccentric luminary the idea of those prodigious
+top-knots may possibly have been borrowed. Astronomy, along with
+Geography and the Use of the Globes, has long formed a branch of female
+education. An intelligent girl, fresh from boarding-school, if requested
+to describe the _Coma Berenices_ might, or might not inform her
+questioner that it was a celestial Chignon.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                              ="Our Wig!"=
+
+Among the names of possible candidates for the Speakership was that of
+MR. SAMUEL WHITBREAD, Member for Bedford. He would be an excellent
+Speaker, but, as matter of humanity, _Punch_ must have opposed this
+selection. Imagine a triumph of the Anti-Liquor League, imagine the
+success of a Bill for putting down Porter, and imagine a grandson of
+WHITBREAD having to say "That this Bill do pass!"
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                              =MY HEALTH.=
+
+[Illustration: H]OME we return from otter-hunting. Tired, but expecting
+a "Nicht wi' RUDDOCK." He is to be at dinner, and a few very intimates
+are coming in the evening. The few "very intimates" have no distance to
+drive--merely a matter of eight miles or so.
+
+From my window I hear carriages drawing up exactly at two minutes to
+seven o'clock. Punctuality in Cornwall is the soul of pleasure.
+
+Odd: at the last moment I can't find either a collar or a white tie!
+"Come, Desperation, lend thy furious hold!" Rummage in the drawers, in
+the portmanteau. Staggered. Where can it be?--the collar, I mean.
+Rummage again. Getting hot and excited. Ought always to come down to
+dinner calm, cool, and collected. I shall be the only one late, and _I_
+hadn't to come twelve miles to dinner. No excuse except the real
+one,--"Couldn't find my collars, or a tie." Only one thing for it. Ring
+the bell, and ask servant.
+
+"O yes. Sir! We were changing the drawers from this room to Master's. I
+dessay, Sir, they're in there." They are. Rapture!
+
+_Flash._--Stirring subject for operatic and descriptive music--A
+Gentleman's Toilet in Difficulties.
+
+_Next Difficulty._--Drop a stud suddenly. Hear it fall close by my foot.
+In fact, I feel, from some peculiar sensation _in_ my foot, that it is
+here, on the floor, close to me. No. Hunt for it. Can't see it anywhere.
+[_Mem._--Never travel without duplicate studs. Won't, another time.]
+Still stooping: feeling about the carpet. Hands getting dirty again,
+hair coming unbrushed, face growing warm and red.
+
+_Flash._--The stud being, as it were, an excrescence on the carpet, can
+be perceived by lying on the floor, (like an Indian listening to hear if
+anybody's coming,) and directing your eye in a right line. After this,
+clothes-brush required. Stud found at last exactly where I thought it
+had been at first.
+
+_Another Difficulty._--Time getting on. 7.10. PENDELL by this time
+anxious below. Every one arrived. I picture to myself RUDDOCK in the
+drawing-room, filling up the _mauvais quart d'heure_ by satirical
+reflections on the dandy (me) who hadn't time enough to beautify himself
+for dinner.
+
+I should be down now, if it wasn't for the button on my collar-band. I
+feel that it's all over with it, if not touched gently. Once off, and
+worry will be my portion for the remainder of the evening. And I know
+what is the result of attempting to pin it.
+
+_Note._--"Curses not loud, but deep." Quotation adapted to
+circumstances.
+
+_Last Difficulty, I hope._--After treating the button with suppressed
+emotion, dash at the white tie. I find myself asking myself, "Why the
+washerwoman _will_ fold it all wrong, and starch it so that the
+slightest crinkle shows?" I have no answer. Of course at any other
+moment I could tie it at once, and have done with it; but now first one
+end's too long, then the other end's too short; then, on the third
+trial, the middle part somehow gets hopelessly tucked into itself, and I
+am pulling at it, by mistake, for one of the ends. At last I get it
+something like all right, but not everything that could be desired.
+Waistcoat. Coat. Handkerchief! Where's handkerchief? Where is--... ha!
+Down-stairs.
+
+Everybody waiting, evidently. Apology. "Ah!" says PENDELL, "um--ah--now
+you've come, we'll--um----" and rings the bell.
+
+I recognise some of our companions out otter-hunting to-day. Galaxy,
+too, of Cornish beauty, which means the darkest, brightest eyes and the
+clearest, freshest complexions. Not being introduced, I look about for
+Old RUDDOCK. There is an elderly gentleman sitting at a table looking
+over a photograph book. This is the nearest approach to Old RUDDOCK that
+I can see. Dinner announced. I take in MISS BODD, of Popthlanack, and
+follow the TRELISSACS, the TREGONIES of Tregivel, and MAJOR PENOLVER,
+with MRS. SOMEBODY of Somewhere. Whom RUDDOCK takes, I don't know.
+
+_A Discovery._--I am seated next to Old RUDDOCK of Ruddock, at dinner.
+PENDELL introduces us. A hale, hearty, elderly gentleman, with, if any
+expression at all, rather a sleepy one, as if a very little over-feeding
+would send him into a doze.
+
+Now then for a "Nicht wi' RUDDOCK!"
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: AMBITION.
+
+_Mr. Tittups (suggesting impossible Bank to full-sized Nimrod)._ "DON'T
+YOU THINK WE COULD HAVE IT HERE, SIR?"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                            POETRY OF FACT.
+
+AT the festive season of the year particularly, people commonly complain
+that the newspapers are dull. Unless in exceptional years, nothing
+happens of which the narration is in anywise interesting, and the dearth
+of news is generally so extreme that journalists are actually driven to
+fill their columns with theological controversies.
+
+The dryness of grammatical details has been surmounted by the device of
+putting them into metre, as in the _As in Praesenti_ and the _Propria quae
+Maribus_ of the Eton Latin Grammar. Might not the contents of the
+Journals, in like sort, be rendered somewhat less prosy than they
+sometimes are by being versified? The telegrams would, perhaps, be
+peculiarly susceptible of this treatment, whereunto they seem to lend
+themselves in virtue of their characteristic conciseness, which it would
+enhance. The electric wire on New Year's Day transmitted a certain
+message from Rome. Here it is in the form of blank verse:--
+
+        The King to-day received the Ministers.
+        The Deputations Parliamentary,
+        The State's great Officers, the military
+        And the municipal authorities,
+        And other delegates. His MAJESTY
+        Thanks for congratulations did return
+        To those who tendered them, occasionally,
+        Upon the New Year's Day; and he expressed
+        His hope that, 'twixt the representative
+        Great bodies of the People and the State,
+        The concord, which the national unity
+        Doth to complete essentially conduce,
+        Would ever be maintained.
+
+The Court Circular could be rendered in heroic rhymes. As thus:--
+
+    The QUEEN walked in the Castle Grounds this morn;
+    The DUKE OF EDINBURGH, LOUISE, of Lorne
+    The Princess, and the Marquis with his bride,
+    For Town left Windsor after this noon-tide.
+    PRINCE ARTHUR, by SIR HOWARD ELPHINSTONE
+    Attended, went to Dover, too, anon.
+    Right Honourable GLADSTONE here has been
+    To-day, and had an audience of the QUEEN,
+    The Premier, after that, remained to lunch,
+    The dinner-party included _Mr. Punch_.
+
+Other intelligence, miscellaneous or special, could be couched in
+lyrical measures. Take a specimen of a money article:--
+
+        The English funds, this blessed day,
+          Have no fresh movement known,
+        Save of one-eighth a rise had they,
+          Which could not hold its own.
+
+        Consols so little looked alive,
+          As quoted but to be
+        At ninety-two one half, to five--
+          Eighths, for delivery.
+
+        Excitement did the day throughout
+          The Railway Market thrill;
+        Shares have been briskly pushed about,
+          And prices risen still.
+
+        A hundred thousand pounds in gold
+          Came, at the Bank, to hand,
+        And much for discount there, behold!
+          Increased was the demand.
+
+Police reports also could be embodied in song, as, for example:--
+
+    At Worship Street came PETER FAKE, a young thief,
+    Charged with stealing a watch, unto summary grief.
+    For three months, with hard labour, committed was he,
+    And well whipped, in addition, was ordered to be.
+
+    The prisoner, on hearing his sentence, no doubt
+    More than he had expected, burst instantly out
+    In a howl, of a sort which description would mock;
+    In the midst of it he was removed from the dock.
+
+And so on. The suggestion above exemplified will perhaps be adopted by
+some enterprising journalist, prepared to afford the necessary
+remuneration to competent poets. In the event of another war, the
+communications of Our Special Correspondent might fall naturally into
+the form of an Epic, shaped and determined by the course of
+circumstances. The title of a journal composed in verse might be, for
+want of a better, _The Poetical News_.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                              THE SPEAKER.
+
+THE announcement that the present SPEAKER of the House of Commons is
+about to take his well-earned pension and Peerage, and that the election
+of a successor will be one of the first Acts of Parliament when it meets
+in February, has occasioned much writing in newspapers and conversation
+in the social circle, in competition with the Temple of Justice, Clubs
+for Working-Men, the State of the Streets, and the "insobriety" which
+accompanies the festive season.
+
+As some misconception appears to prevail regarding the SPEAKER'S exalted
+office, especially amongst the young and gay, and in rural districts,
+_Mr. Punch_, the best "Popular Educator" has (with the valuable
+assistance of SIR ERSKINE MAY) compiled a few notes on the subject,
+which in his leisure moments he hopes to be able to expand into a
+voluminous treatise, worthy to take its place by the side of _Enfield's
+Speaker_, or anybody else's.
+
+The office of Speaker is as old as the Saxon Wittenagemot, but the mace
+now borne by the Serjeant-at-Arms is not the one which CROMWELL
+impetuously called a "bauble." That interesting relic of a bye-gone age
+is said to be in a private collection in the United States.
+
+The SPEAKER is in the Chair whenever the House is not in Committee. If
+it be asked, when is the House in Committee, the answer is
+simple--whenever the SPEAKER is not in the Chair.
+
+The young and the gay and the country population have been led astray by
+the SPEAKER'S misleading title[A]--the fact being that the SPEAKER does
+not speak, except on very rare occasions.
+
+        A: _Lucus a non lucendo.--Sil. Ital. de Arbor._, XV., 1019.
+
+The SPEAKER hears all the speeches which are made during the time he is
+in the Chair, _for he must never sleep while on duty_; but as most of
+those who have filled the office have lived on, Session after Session,
+we may hope that they did not consider themselves bound _always_ to
+listen. Even, however, with this relaxation, the poor composition, the
+defective grammar, the arid statistics, the threadbare quotations, the
+hesitations, the repetitions, the bad delivery, the awkward action, the
+wrong emphasis, MR. DENISON must have heard and seen through fifteen
+long years, cannot but have caused him untold suffering. It seems almost
+incredible that there should be any competition for the horrors of such
+a post.
+
+The SPEAKER has a salary, a secretary, a chaplain, a counsel, a
+residence, and an allowance for keeping the Mace in order. When he
+retires, he has a peerage and a pension, and is allowed to take his Wig
+and Gown and Chair away with him.
+
+The SPEAKER, although not one of the commoner sort, is the first
+Commoner in the land.
+
+The SPEAKER is entitled to many privileges. He can show friends (not
+exceeding four at a time) over both Houses of Parliament without an
+order from the Lord Chamberlain; he can take books out of the Library on
+leaving a small deposit; he can call a wherry and go on the river
+whenever he pleases; every tenth cygnet born between Lambeth and London
+Bridge is his by prescriptive right; and he is at liberty to charge the
+Consolidated Fund with the cost of any refreshment he may require during
+official hours, and with all cab fares to and from the House.
+
+The most terrible exercise of the Speaker's authority is when he "names"
+a Member. The miserable man is committed to the Tower for life, and
+allowed no book to read but _Hansard_; his estates are forfeited to the
+Crown, and once a year, on the day when he committed the offence for
+which he was "named," he is taken by the Constable of the Tower in a
+tumbril to Westminster, to beg pardon of the SPEAKER and the House on
+his knees.
+
+The SPEAKER may be either a bachelor, a married man, or a widower, but
+he must be one of the three.
+
+If a new Member shows any eccentricity in his dress, manners, speech, or
+general deportment, the SPEAKER asks him to tea, and quietly points out
+to him the impropriety of which he has been guilty.
+
+At 2 A.M., at a moment's notice, without any opportunity of consulting
+authorities, the SPEAKER may be called upon to state what was the
+practice of the House in the reign of EDWARD THE THIRD, or to remember a
+precedent established during the time SIR THOMAS MORE filled the office,
+or to enforce a Standing Order coeval with the Long Parliament.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: IN VINO MEMORIA.
+
+_Major Portsoken (a pretty constant Guest)._ "I SAY, BUCHANAN, THIS
+ISN'T--(_another sip_)--THE SAME CHAMPAGNE----!"
+
+_Scotch Butler._ "NA, THAT'S A' DUNE! THERE WAS THRUITY DIZZEN; AND
+YE'VE HAD YERE SHARE O'T, MAJOR!!"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                             BRAVO! BUMBLE.
+
+    "At a meeting of the Bury Town Council this week, it was stated
+    that an address was about to be presented to Her Royal Highness
+    the PRINCESS LOUISE of Hesse, by way of a public appreciation of
+    her exertions on behalf of His Royal Highness the PRINCE OF
+    WALES. It was also stated that it was proposed to present a
+    cabinet, containing the photographic likenesses of those signing
+    the address--Sheriffs and other officers in their respective
+    uniforms, and Mayors of boroughs in their robes."
+
+A MORE interesting gallery of portraits it would be difficult to
+imagine, especially, if, as the encouraging words, "and other officers"
+incline us to hope may be the case, the macebearers, beadles, and
+town-criers, with possibly a selection from the police, are included in
+the cabinet. Perhaps it would not be advisable to admit Sheriffs'
+officers. A fac-simile autograph underneath each photograph, with the
+addition of the writer's usual formula of subscription--"Yours truly,"
+"Ever faithfully yours," &c.--would materially enhance the value of the
+present. Everyone, who can appreciate good taste, in combination with
+retiring modesty, must be struck with this, the latest outburst of
+corporate zeal; and the impression such a delicate attention as the
+offering of a cabinet containing the likenesses of some of the most
+remarkable characters of their time, will produce upon foreign nations,
+already full of admiration of our loyalty and envying us our Mayors,
+cannot fail to be most gratifying to the nation's vanity.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: MORE OFFICIAL CENSORSHIP OF PANTOMIME.
+
+_Policeman._ "I WOULDN'T HAVE MINDED A QUIET PERFORMANCE; BUT TO BEGIN
+INSULTIN' THE LAWR UNDER MY WERY EYES!--(_Waxing wroth_)--MOVE ON! OR
+BLOW'D IF I DON'T RUN YER IN!"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          SURPRISING A CASTLE.
+
+THE least ancient and least interesting part of Warwick Castle has been
+burned. Subscriptions are tendered in aid of a restoration. Question is
+raised whether LORD WARWICK should accept these, lest the public should
+consider that by subscribing it acquires a certain right in the Castle,
+and that the Earl's legend will have a second meaning, when affixed over
+the new buildings: _Vix ea nostra voco_. The suggestion is unworthy and
+sordid. _Mr. Punch_ would like to see a vote of the Commons in aid of
+the subscription for conserving about the noblest relic left to us. He
+would be glad to say to the Earl, in LORD WARWICK'S own words in the
+Temple Garden, after a certain rose-plucking,
+
+        "This blot that they object against your House
+        Shall be wiped off in the next Parliament."
+
+The cool idea that giving a nobleman help to rebuild entitles one to
+walk into his property, is concentrated cheekiness; and if castles are
+capable of astonishment, _Mr. Punch_ would again quote W. S. to the
+Earl, and say, "Your Castle _is_ surprised."
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          =Dirt! Dirt! Dirt!=
+
+WE have all been taught to tread the path of duty, but some of us seem
+to have forgotten the lesson. May we entreat Commissioners, Boards,
+Corporations, Vestries, Parochial Authorities, indeed, any responsible
+and rate-levying body which has got into bad ways, to do their duty to
+our paths; and if not this winter, perhaps the next--or, not to be too
+exorbitant, the next after that--to keep the pavements and the roadways
+passably clean? It would be a satisfaction to those of us who have
+reached middle age to think that we may yet live to see the streets of
+London, and other wealthy towns and cities, rather less lutulent than
+country lanes and rural roads. When will the scavenger be abroad?
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                      THE SICK MAN IN THE VATICAN.
+
+    "It is stated that VICTOR EMMANUEL sent GENERAL PRALORMO to the
+    Vatican on New Year's Day to wish the POPE the compliments of
+    the season on behalf of His Majesty. On arriving there, he was
+    informed by CARDINAL ANTONELLI that the Holy Father was
+    indisposed, and could not, therefore, receive him personally.
+    The Cardinal undertook to deliver the compliments of the King,
+    and the General left. A few hours after, the POPE was completely
+    recovered, and held his usual receptions."
+
+THE faithful should congratulate the POPE upon his rapid, almost
+miraculous recovery. From the moment the wicked King's emissary was out
+of the precincts of the Vatican, the symptoms became more favourable,
+and the Court physicians were released from their attendance. We notice,
+only to dismiss it with scorn, an impression which appears to exist that
+the Holy Father was "indisposed," in the primary sense of the word, as
+worldly sovereigns have been before now; for it is not for an instant to
+be supposed that a Cardinal would put forth, and a Pope sanction, any
+excuse which was not in accordance with the strictest truth.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          =Theological News.=
+
+HIS GRACE the DUKE OF SOMERSET, some time First Lord of the Admiralty,
+has come out as a writer on theology. Needless to say that he is not
+ceremonious in his treatment of eminent persons. He is by no means
+complimentary to the Apostles. His teaching may be condensed into his
+own motto, _Foi pour Devoir_, translated subtly. In these days everybody
+seems ready to instruct us in religion--except the Bishops.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          JUSTICE TO IRELAND.
+
+MOTTO FOR A BOTTLE OF POTHEEN.--"Oireland! with all thy faults I love
+thy still."
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+    =Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the
+    Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at
+    the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard
+    Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London,
+    and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of
+    St. Bride, City of London.--SATURDAY, January 13, 1872.=
+
+
+                           Transcriber Notes:
+
+Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_.
+
+Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=.
+
+Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS.
+
+Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the
+speakers. Those words were retained as-is.
+
+The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up
+paragraphs and so that they are next the text they illustrate.
+
+Illustrations with a single letter in their caption were sometimes used
+in the original pages to serve as inital capital letters.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+62, Jan 13, 1872, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 38261.txt or 38261.zip *****
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