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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/3736.txt b/3736.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..615cf70 --- /dev/null +++ b/3736.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5807 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Far Country, Book 1, by Winston Churchill + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Far Country, Book 1 + +Author: Winston Churchill + +Release Date: October 17, 2004 [EBook #3736] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A FAR COUNTRY, BOOK 1 *** + + + + +Produced by Pat Castevans and David Widger + + + + + +A FAR COUNTRY + +By Winston Churchill + + +BOOK 1. + + + +I. + +My name is Hugh Paret. I was a corporation lawyer, but by no means a +typical one, the choice of my profession being merely incidental, and +due, as will be seen, to the accident of environment. The book I am about +to write might aptly be called The Autobiography of a Romanticist. In +that sense, if in no other, I have been a typical American, regarding my +country as the happy hunting-ground of enlightened self-interest, as a +function of my desires. Whether or not I have completely got rid of this +romantic virus I must leave to those the aim of whose existence is to +eradicate it from our literature and our life. A somewhat Augean task! + +I have been impelled therefore to make an attempt at setting forth, with +what frankness and sincerity I may, with those powers of selection of +which I am capable, the life I have lived in this modern America; the +passions I have known, the evils I have done. I endeavour to write a +biography of the inner life; but in order to do this I shall have to +relate those causal experiences of the outer existence that take place in +the world of space and time, in the four walls of the home, in the school +and university, in the noisy streets, in the realm of business and +politics. I shall try to set down, impartially, the motives that have +impelled my actions, to reveal in some degree the amazing mixture of good +and evil which has made me what I am to-day: to avoid the tricks of +memory and resist the inherent desire to present myself other and better +than I am. Your American romanticist is a sentimental spoiled child who +believes in miracles, whose needs are mostly baubles, whose desires are +dreams. Expediency is his motto. Innocent of a knowledge of the +principles of the universe, he lives in a state of ceaseless activity, +admitting no limitations, impatient of all restrictions. What he wants, +he wants very badly indeed. This wanting things was the corner-stone of +my character, and I believe that the science of the future will bear me +out when I say that it might have been differently built upon. Certain it +is that the system of education in vogue in the 70's and 80's never +contemplated the search for natural corner-stones. + +At all events, when I look back upon the boy I was, I see the beginnings +of a real person who fades little by little as manhood arrives and +advances, until suddenly I am aware that a stranger has taken his +place.... + +I lived in a city which is now some twelve hours distant from the +Atlantic seaboard. A very different city, too, it was in youth, in my +grandfather's day and my father's, even in my own boyhood, from what it +has since become in this most material of ages. + +There is a book of my photographs, preserved by my mother, which I have +been looking over lately. First is presented a plump child of two, gazing +in smiling trustfulness upon a world of sunshine; later on a lean boy in +plaided kilts, whose wavy, chestnut-brown hair has been most carefully +parted on the side by Norah, his nurse. The face is still childish. Then +appears a youth of fourteen or thereabout in long trousers and the +queerest of short jackets, standing beside a marble table against a +classic background; he is smiling still in undiminished hope and trust, +despite increasing vexations and crossings, meaningless lessons which had +to be learned, disciplines to rack an aspiring soul, and long, +uncomfortable hours in the stiff pew of the First Presbyterian Church. +Associated with this torture is a peculiar Sunday smell and the faint +rustling of silk dresses. I can see the stern black figure of Dr. Pound, +who made interminable statements to the Lord. + +"Oh, Lord," I can hear him say, "thou knowest..." + +These pictures, though yellowed and faded, suggest vividly the being I +once was, the feelings that possessed and animated me, love for my +playmates, vague impulses struggling for expression in a world forever +thwarting them. I recall, too, innocent dreams of a future unidentified, +dreams from which I emerged vibrating with an energy that was lost for +lack of a definite objective: yet it was constantly being renewed. I +often wonder what I might have become if it could have been harnessed, +directed! Speculations are vain. Calvinism, though it had begun to make +compromises, was still a force in those days, inimical to spontaneity and +human instincts. And when I think of Calvinism I see, not Dr. Pound, who +preached it, but my father, who practised and embodied it. I loved him, +but he made of righteousness a stern and terrible thing implying not joy, +but punishment, the, suppression rather than the expansion of +aspirations. His religion seemed woven all of austerity, contained no +shining threads to catch my eye. Dreams, to him, were matters for +suspicion and distrust. + +I sometimes ask myself, as I gaze upon his portrait now, the duplicate of +the one painted for the Bar Association, whether he ever could have felt +the secret, hot thrills I knew and did not identify with religion. His +religion was real to him, though he failed utterly to make it +comprehensible to me. The apparent calmness, evenness of his life awed +me. A successful lawyer, a respected and trusted citizen, was he lacking +somewhat in virility, vitality? I cannot judge him, even to-day. I never +knew him. There were times in my youth when the curtain of his unfamiliar +spirit was withdrawn a little: and once, after I had passed the crisis of +some childhood disease, I awoke to find him bending over my bed with a +tender expression that surprised and puzzled me. + +He was well educated, and from his portrait a shrewd observer might +divine in him a genteel taste for literature. The fine features bear +witness to the influence of an American environment, yet suggest the +intellectual Englishman of Matthew Arnold's time. The face is +distinguished, ascetic, the chestnut hair lighter and thinner than my +own; the side whiskers are not too obtrusive, the eyes blue-grey. There +is a large black cravat crossed and held by a cameo pin, and the coat has +odd, narrow lapels. His habits of mind were English, although he +harmonized well enough with the manners and traditions of a city whose +inheritance was Scotch-Irish; and he invariably drank tea for breakfast. +One of my earliest recollections is of the silver breakfast service and +egg-cups which my great-grandfather brought with him from Sheffield to +Philadelphia shortly after the Revolution. His son, Dr. Hugh Moreton +Paret, after whom I was named, was the best known physician of the city +in the decorous, Second Bank days. + +My mother was Sarah Breck. Hers was my Scotch-Irish side. Old Benjamin +Breck, her grandfather, undaunted by sea or wilderness, had come straight +from Belfast to the little log settlement by the great river that +mirrored then the mantle of primeval forest on the hills. So much for +chance. He kept a store with a side porch and square-paned windows, where +hams and sides of bacon and sugar loaves in blue glazed paper hung beside +ploughs and calico prints, barrels of flour, of molasses and rum, all of +which had been somehow marvellously transported over the passes of those +forbidding mountains,--passes we blithely thread to-day in dining cars +and compartment sleepers. Behind the store were moored the barges that +floated down on the swift current to the Ohio, carrying goods to even +remoter settlements in the western wilderness. + +Benjamin, in addition to his emigrant's leather box, brought with him +some of that pigment that was to dye the locality for generations a deep +blue. I refer, of course, to his Presbyterianism. And in order the better +to ensure to his progeny the fastness of this dye, he married the +granddaughter of a famous divine, celebrated in the annals of New +England,--no doubt with some injustice,--as a staunch advocate on the +doctrine of infant damnation. My cousin Robert Breck had old Benjamin's +portrait, which has since gone to the Kinley's. Heaven knows who painted +it, though no great art were needed to suggest on canvas the tough fabric +of that sitter, who was more Irish than Scotch. The heavy stick he holds +might, with a slight stretch of the imagination, be a blackthorn; his +head looks capable of withstanding many blows; his hand of giving many. +And, as I gazed the other day at this picture hanging in the shabby +suburban parlour, I could only contrast him with his anaemic descendants +who possessed the likeness. Between the children of poor Mary +Kinley,--Cousin Robert's daughter, and the hardy stock of the old country +there is a gap indeed! + +Benjamin Breck made the foundation of a fortune. It was his son who built +on the Second Bank the wide, corniced mansion in which to house +comfortably his eight children. There, two tiers above the river, lived +my paternal grandfather, Dr. Paret, the Breck's physician and friend; the +Durretts and the Hambletons, iron-masters; the Hollisters, Sherwins, the +McAlerys and Ewanses,--Breck connections,--the Willetts and Ogilvys; in +short, everyone of importance in the days between the 'thirties and the +Civil War. Theirs were generous houses surrounded by shade trees, with +glorious back yards--I have been told--where apricots and pears and +peaches and even nectarines grew. + +The business of Breck and Company, wholesale grocers, descended to my +mother's first cousin, Robert Breck, who lived at Claremore. The very +sound of that word once sufficed to give me a shiver of delight; but the +Claremore I knew has disappeared as completely as Atlantis, and the place +is now a suburb (hateful word!) cut up into building lots and connected +with Boyne Street and the business section of the city by trolley lines. +Then it was "the country," and fairly saturated with romance. Cousin +Robert, when he came into town to spend his days at the store, brought +with him some of this romance, I had almost said of this aroma. He was no +suburbanite, but rural to the backbone, professing a most proper contempt +for dwellers in towns. + +Every summer day that dawned held Claremore as a possibility. And such +was my capacity for joy that my appetite would depart completely when I +heard my mother say, questioningly and with proper wifely respect-- + +"If you're really going off on a business trip for a day or two, Mr. +Paret" (she generally addressed my father thus formally), "I think I'll +go to Robert's and take Hugh." + +"Shall I tell Norah to pack, mother," I would exclaim, starting up. + +"We'll see what your father thinks, my dear." + +"Remain at the table until you are excused, Hugh," he would say. + +Released at length, I would rush to Norah, who always rejoiced with me, +and then to the wire fence which marked the boundary of the Peters domain +next door, eager, with the refreshing lack of consideration +characteristic of youth, to announce to the Peterses--who were to remain +at home the news of my good fortune. There would be Tom and Alfred and +Russell and Julia and little Myra with her grass-stained knees, faring +forth to seek the adventures of a new day in the shady western yard. Myra +was too young not to look wistful at my news, but the others pretended +indifference, seeking to lessen my triumph. And it was Julia who +invariably retorted "We can go out to Uncle Jake's farm whenever we want +to. Can't we, Tom?"... + +No journey ever taken since has equalled in ecstasy that leisurely trip +of thirteen miles in the narrow-gauge railroad that wound through hot +fields of nodding corn tassels and between delicious, acrid-smelling +woods to Claremore. No silent palace "sleeping in the sun," no edifice +decreed by Kubla Khan could have worn more glamour than the house of +Cousin Robert Breck. + +It stood half a mile from the drowsy village, deep in its own grounds +amidst lawns splashed with shadows, with gravel paths edged--in barbarous +fashion, if you please with shells. There were flower beds of equally +barbarous design; and two iron deer, which, like the figures on Keats's +Grecian urn, were ever ready poised to flee,--and yet never fled. For +Cousin Robert was rich, as riches went in those days: not only rich, but +comfortable. Stretching behind the house were sweet meadows of hay and +red clover basking in the heat, orchards where the cows cropped beneath +the trees, arbours where purple clusters of Concords hung beneath warm +leaves: there were woods beyond, into which, under the guidance of Willie +Breck, I made adventurous excursions, and in the autumn gathered +hickories and walnuts. The house was a rambling, wooden mansion painted +grey, with red scroll-work on its porches and horsehair furniture inside. +Oh, the smell of its darkened interior on a midsummer day! Like the +flavour of that choicest of tropical fruits, the mangosteen, it baffles +analysis, and the nearest I can come to it is a mixture of matting and +corn-bread, with another element too subtle to define. + +The hospitality of that house! One would have thought we had arrived, my +mother and I, from the ends of the earth, such was the welcome we got +from Cousin Jenny, Cousin Robert's wife, from Mary and Helen with the +flaxen pig-tails, from Willie, whom I recall as permanently without shoes +or stockings. Met and embraced by Cousin Jenny at the station and driven +to the house in the squeaky surrey, the moment we arrived she and my +mother would put on the dressing-sacks I associated with hot weather, and +sit sewing all day long in rocking-chairs at the coolest end of the +piazza. The women of that day scorned lying down, except at night, and as +evening came on they donned starched dresses; I recall in particular one +my mother wore, with little vertical stripes of black and white, and a +full skirt. And how they talked, from the beginning of the visit until +the end! I have often since wondered where the topics came from. + +It was not until nearly seven o'clock that the train arrived which +brought home my Cousin Robert. He was a big man; his features and even +his ample moustache gave a disconcerting impression of rugged integrity, +and I remember him chiefly in an alpaca or seersucker coat. Though much +less formal, more democratic--in a word--than my father, I stood in awe +of him for a different reason, and this I know now was because he +possessed the penetration to discern the flaws in my youthful +character,--flaws that persisted in manhood. None so quick as Cousin +Robert to detect deceptions which were hidden from my mother. + +His hobby was carpentering, and he had a little shop beside the stable +filled with shining tools which Willie and I, in spite of their +attractions, were forbidden to touch. Willie, by dire experience, had +learned to keep the law; but on one occasion I stole in alone, and +promptly cut my finger with a chisel. My mother and Cousin Jenny accepted +the fiction that the injury had been done with a flint arrowhead that +Willie had given me, but when Cousin Robert came home and saw my bound +hand and heard the story, he gave me a certain look which sticks in my +mind. + +"Wonderful people, those Indians were!" he observed. "They could make +arrowheads as sharp as chisels." + +I was most uncomfortable.... + +He had a strong voice, and spoke with a rising inflection and a marked +accent that still remains peculiar to our locality, although it was much +modified in my mother and not at all noticeable in my father; with an odd +nasal alteration of the burr our Scotch-Irish ancestors had brought with +them across the seas. For instance, he always called my father Mr. +Par-r-ret. He had an admiration and respect for him that seemed to forbid +the informality of "Matthew." It was shared by others of my father's +friends and relations. + +"Sarah," Cousin Robert would say to my mother, "you're coddling that boy, +you ought to lam him oftener. Hand him over to me for a couple of +months--I'll put him through his paces.... So you're going to send him to +college, are you? He's too good for old Benjamin's grocery business." + +He was very fond of my mother, though he lectured her soundly for her +weakness in indulging me. I can see him as he sat at the head of the +supper table, carving liberal helpings which Mary and Helen and Willie +devoured with country appetites, watching our plates. + +"What's the matter, Hugh? You haven't eaten all your lamb." + +"He doesn't like fat, Robert," my mother explained. + +"I'd teach him to like it if he were my boy." + +"Well, Robert, he isn't your boy," Cousin Jenny would remind him.... His +bark was worse than his bite. Like many kind people he made use of +brusqueness to hide an inner tenderness, and on the train he was hail +fellow well met with every Tom, Dick and Harry that commuted,--although +the word was not invented in those days,--and the conductor and brakeman +too. But he had his standards, and held to them.... + +Mine was not a questioning childhood, and I was willing to accept the +scheme of things as presented to me entire. In my tenderer years, when I +had broken one of the commandments on my father's tablet (there were more +than ten), and had, on his home-coming, been sent to bed, my mother would +come softly upstairs after supper with a book in her hand; a book of +selected Bible stories on which Dr. Pound had set the seal of his +approval, with a glazed picture cover, representing Daniel in the lions' +den and an angel standing beside him. On the somewhat specious plea that +Holy Writ might have a chastening effect, she was permitted to minister +to me in my shame. The amazing adventure of Shadrach, Meshach and +Abednego particularly appealed to an imagination needing little +stimulation. It never occurred to me to doubt that these gentlemen had +triumphed over caloric laws. But out of my window, at the back of the +second storey, I often saw a sudden, crimson glow in the sky to the +southward, as though that part of the city had caught fire. There were +the big steel-works, my mother told me, belonging to Mr. Durrett and Mr. +Hambleton, the father of Ralph Hambleton and the grandfather of Hambleton +Durrett, my schoolmates at Miss Caroline's. I invariably connected the +glow, not with Hambleton and Ralph, but with Shadrach, Meshach and +Abednego! Later on, when my father took me to the steel-works, and I +beheld with awe a huge pot filled with molten metal that ran out of it +like water, I asked him--if I leaped into that stream, could God save me? +He was shocked. Miracles, he told me, didn't happen any more. + +"When did they stop?" I demanded. + +"About two thousand years ago, my son," he replied gravely. + +"Then," said I, "no matter how much I believed in God, he wouldn't save +me if I jumped into the big kettle for his sake?" + +For this I was properly rebuked and silenced. + +My boyhood was filled with obsessing desires. If God, for example, had +cast down, out of his abundant store, manna and quail in the desert, why +couldn't he fling me a little pocket money? A paltry quarter of a dollar, +let us say, which to me represented wealth. To avoid the reproach of the +Pharisees, I went into the closet of my bed-chamber to pray, requesting +that the quarter should be dropped on the north side of Lyme Street, +between Stamford and Tryon; in short, as conveniently near home as +possible. Then I issued forth, not feeling overconfident, but hoping. Tom +Peters, leaning over the ornamental cast-iron fence which separated his +front yard from the street, presently spied me scanning the sidewalk. + +"What are you looking for, Hugh?" he demanded with interest. + +"Oh, something I dropped," I answered uneasily. + +"What?" + +Naturally, I refused to tell. It was a broiling, midsummer day; Julia and +Russell, who had been warned to stay in the shade, but who were engaged +in the experiment of throwing the yellow cat from the top of the lattice +fence to see if she would alight on her feet, were presently attracted, +and joined in the search. The mystery which I threw around it added to +its interest, and I was not inconsiderably annoyed. Suppose one of them +were to find the quarter which God had intended for me? Would that be +justice? + +"It's nothing," I said, and pretended to abandon the quest--to be renewed +later. But this ruse failed; they continued obstinately to search; and +after a few minutes Tom, with a shout, picked out of a hot crevice +between the bricks--a nickel! + +"It's mine!" I cried fiercely. + +"Did you lose it?" demanded Julia, the canny one, as Tom was about to +give it up. + +My lying was generally reserved for my elders. + +"N-no," I said hesitatingly, "but it's mine all the same. It was--sent to +me." + +"Sent to you!" they exclaimed, in a chorus of protest and derision. And +how, indeed, was I to make good my claim? The Peterses, when assembled, +were a clan, led by Julia and in matters of controversy, moved as one. +How was I to tell them that in answer to my prayers for twenty-five +cents, God had deemed five all that was good for me? + +"Some--somebody dropped it there for me." + +"Who?" demanded the chorus. "Say, that's a good one!" + +Tears suddenly blinded me. Overcome by chagrin, I turned and flew into +the house and upstairs into my room, locking the door behind me. An +interval ensued, during which I nursed my sense of wrong, and it pleased +me to think that the money would bring a curse on the Peters family. At +length there came a knock on the door, and a voice calling my name. + +"Hugh! Hugh!" + +It was Tom. + +"Hughie, won't you let me in? I want to give you the nickel." + +"Keep it!" I shouted back. "You found it." + +Another interval, and then more knocking. + +"Open up," he said coaxingly. "I--I want to talk to you." + +I relented, and let him in. He pressed the coin into my hand. I refused; +he pleaded. + +"You found it," I said, "it's yours." + +"But--but you were looking for it." + +"That makes no difference," I declared magnanimously. + +Curiosity overcame him. + +"Say, Hughie, if you didn't drop it, who on earth did?" + +"Nobody on earth," I replied cryptically.... + +Naturally, I declined to reveal the secret. Nor was this by any means the +only secret I held over the Peters family, who never quite knew what to +make of me. They were not troubled with imaginations. Julia was a little +older than Tom and had a sharp tongue, but over him I exercised a +distinct fascination, and I knew it. Literal himself, good-natured and +warm-hearted, the gift I had of tingeing life with romance (to put the +thing optimistically), of creating kingdoms out of back yards--at which +Julia and Russell sniffed--held his allegiance firm. + + + + +II. + +I must have been about twelve years of age when I realized that I was +possessed of the bard's inheritance. A momentous journey I made with my +parents to Boston about this time not only stimulated this gift, but gave +me the advantage of which other travellers before me have likewise +availed themselves--of being able to take certain poetic liberties with a +distant land that my friends at home had never seen. Often during the +heat of summer noons when we were assembled under the big maple beside +the lattice fence in the Peters' yard, the spirit would move me to relate +the most amazing of adventures. Our train, for instance, had been held up +in the night by a band of robbers in black masks, and rescued by a +traveller who bore a striking resemblance to my Cousin Robert Breck. He +had shot two of the robbers. These fabrications, once started, flowed +from me with ridiculous ease. I experienced an unwonted exhilaration, +exaltation; I began to believe that they had actually occurred. In vain +the astute Julia asserted that there were no train robbers in the east. +What had my father done? Well, he had been very brave, but he had had no +pistol. Had I been frightened? No, not at all; I, too, had wished for a +pistol. Why hadn't I spoken of this before? Well, so many things had +happened to me I couldn't tell them all at once. It was plain that Julia, +though often fascinated against her will, deemed this sort of thing +distinctly immoral. + +I was a boy divided in two. One part of me dwelt in a fanciful realm of +his own weaving, and the other part was a commonplace and protesting +inhabitant of a world of lessons, disappointments and discipline. My +instincts were not vicious. Ideas bubbled up within me continually from +an apparently inexhaustible spring, and the very strength of the longings +they set in motion puzzled and troubled my parents: what I seem to see +most distinctly now is a young mind engaged in a ceaseless struggle for +self-expression, for self-development, against the inertia of a tradition +of which my father was the embodiment. He was an enigma to me then. He +sincerely loved me, he cherished ambitions concerning me, yet thwarted +every natural, budding growth, until I grew unconsciously to regard him +as my enemy, although I had an affection for him and a pride in him that +flared up at times. Instead of confiding to him my aspirations, vague +though they were, I became more and more secretive as I grew older. I +knew instinctively that he regarded these aspirations as evidences in my +character of serious moral flaws. And I would sooner have suffered many +afternoons of his favourite punishment--solitary confinement in my +room--than reveal to him those occasional fits of creative fancy which +caused me to neglect my lessons in order to put them on paper. Loving +literature, in his way, he was characteristically incapable of +recognizing the literary instinct, and the symptoms of its early stages +he mistook for inherent frivolity, for lack of respect for the truth; in +brief, for original sin. At the age of fourteen I had begun secretly +(alas, how many things I did secretly!) to write stories of a sort, +stories that never were finished. + +He regarded reading as duty, not pleasure. He laid out books for me, +which I neglected. He was part and parcel of that American environment in +which literary ambition was regarded as sheer madness. And no one who has +not experienced that environment can have any conception of the pressure +it exerted to stifle originality, to thrust the new generation into its +religious and commercial moulds. Shall we ever, I wonder, develop the +enlightened education that will know how to take advantage of such +initiative as was mine? that will be on the watch for it, sympathize with +it and guide it to fruition? + +I was conscious of still another creative need, that of dramatizing my +ideas, of converting them into action. And this need was to lead me +farther than ever afield from the path of righteousness. The concrete +realization of ideas, as many geniuses will testify, is an expensive +undertaking, requiring a little pocket money; and I have already touched +upon that subject. My father did not believe in pocket money. A sea story +that my Cousin Donald Ewan gave me at Christmas inspired me to compose +one of a somewhat different nature; incidentally, I deemed it a vast +improvement on Cousin Donald's book. Now, if I only had a boat, with the +assistance of Ham Durrett and Tom Peters, Gene Hollister and Perry +Blackwood and other friends, this story of mine might be staged. There +were, however, as usual, certain seemingly insuperable difficulties: in +the first place, it was winter time; in the second, no facilities existed +in the city for operations of a nautical character; and, lastly, my +Christmas money amounted only to five dollars. It was my father who +pointed out these and other objections. For, after a careful perusal of +the price lists I had sent for, I had been forced to appeal to him to +supply additional funds with which to purchase a row-boat. Incidentally, +he read me a lecture on extravagance, referred to my last month's report +at the Academy, and finished by declaring that he would not permit me to +have a boat even in the highly improbable case of somebody's presenting +me with one. Let it not be imagined that my ardour or my determination +were extinguished. Shortly after I had retired from his presence it +occurred to me that he had said nothing to forbid my making a boat, and +the first thing I did after school that day was to procure, for +twenty-five cents, a second-hand book on boat construction. The woodshed +was chosen as a shipbuilding establishment. It was convenient--and my +father never went into the back yard in cold weather. Inquiries of +lumber-yards developing the disconcerting fact that four dollars and +seventy-five cents was inadequate to buy the material itself, to say +nothing of the cost of steaming and bending the ribs, I reluctantly +abandoned the ideal of the graceful craft I had sketched, and compromised +on a flat bottom. Observe how the ways of deception lead to +transgression: I recalled the cast-off lumber pile of Jarvis, the +carpenter, a good-natured Englishman, coarse and fat: in our +neighbourhood his reputation for obscenity was so well known to mothers +that I had been forbidden to go near him or his shop. Grits Jarvis, his +son, who had inherited the talent, was also contraband. I can see now the +huge bulk of the elder Jarvis as he stood in the melting, soot-powdered +snow in front of his shop, and hear his comments on my pertinacity. + +"If you ever wants another man's missus when you grows up, my lad, Gawd +'elp 'im!" + +"Why should I want another man's wife when I don't want one of my own?" I +demanded, indignant. + +He laughed with his customary lack of moderation. + +"You mind what old Jarvis says," he cried. "What you wants, you gets." + +I did get his boards, by sheer insistence. No doubt they were not very +valuable, and without question he more than made up for them in my +mother's bill. I also got something else of equal value to me at the +moment,--the assistance of Grits, the contraband; daily, after school, I +smuggled him into the shed through the alley, acquiring likewise the +services of Tom Peters, which was more of a triumph than it would seem. +Tom always had to be "worked up" to participation in my ideas, but in the +end he almost invariably succumbed. The notion of building a boat in the +dead of winter, and so far from her native element, naturally struck him +at first as ridiculous. Where in Jehoshaphat was I going to sail it if I +ever got it made? He much preferred to throw snowballs at innocent wagon +drivers. + +All that Tom saw, at first, was a dirty, coal-spattered shed with dim +recesses, for it was lighted on one side only, and its temperature was +somewhere below freezing. Surely he could not be blamed for a tempered +enthusiasm! But for me, all the dirt and cold and discomfort were blotted +out, and I beheld a gallant craft manned by sturdy seamen forging her way +across blue water in the South Seas. Treasure Island, alas, was as yet +unwritten; but among my father's books were two old volumes in which I +had hitherto taken no interest, with crude engravings of palms and coral +reefs, of naked savages and tropical mountains covered with jungle, the +adventures, in brief, of one Captain Cook. I also discovered a book by a +later traveller. Spurred on by a mysterious motive power, and to the +great neglect of the pons asinorum and the staple products of the +Southern States, I gathered an amazing amount of information concerning a +remote portion of the globe, of head-hunters and poisoned stakes, of +typhoons, of queer war-craft that crept up on you while you were +dismantling galleons, when desperate hand-to-hand encounters ensued. +Little by little as I wove all this into personal adventures soon to be +realized, Tom forgot the snowballs and the maddened grocery-men who +chased him around the block; while Grits would occasionally stop sawing +and cry out:--"Ah, s'y!" frequently adding that he would be G--d--d. + +The cold woodshed became a chantry on the New England coast, the alley +the wintry sea soon to embrace our ship, the saw-horses--which stood +between a coal-bin on one side and unused stalls filled with rubbish and +kindling on the other--the ways; the yard behind the lattice fence became +a backwater, the flapping clothes the sails of ships that took refuge +there--on Mondays and Tuesdays. Even my father was symbolized with +unparalleled audacity as a watchful government which had, up to the +present, no inkling of our semi-piratical intentions! The cook and the +housemaid, though remonstrating against the presence of Grits, were +friendly confederates; likewise old Cephas, the darkey who, from my +earliest memory, carried coal and wood and blacked the shoes, washed the +windows and scrubbed the steps. + +One afternoon Tom went to work.... + +The history of the building of the good ship Petrel is similar to that of +all created things, a story of trial and error and waste. At last, one +March day she stood ready for launching. She had even been caulked; for +Grits, from an unknown and unquestionably dubious source, had procured a +bucket of tar, which we heated over afire in the alley and smeared into +every crack. It was natural that the news of such a feat as we were +accomplishing should have leaked out, that the "yard" should have been +visited from time to time by interested friends, some of whom came to +admire, some to scoff, and all to speculate. Among the scoffers, of +course, was Ralph Hambleton, who stood with his hands in his pockets and +cheerfully predicted all sorts of dire calamities. Ralph was always a +superior boy, tall and a trifle saturnine and cynical, with an amazing +self-confidence not wholly due to the wealth of his father, the +iron-master. He was older than I. + +"She won't float five minutes, if you ever get her to the water," was his +comment, and in this he was supported on general principles by Julia and +Russell Peters. Ralph would have none of the Petrel, or of the South Seas +either; but he wanted,--so he said,--"to be in at the death." The +Hambletons were one of the few families who at that time went to the sea +for the summer, and from a practical knowledge of craft in general Ralph +was not slow to point out the defects of ours. Tom and I defended her +passionately. + +Ralph was not a romanticist. He was a born leader, excelling at organized +games, exercising over boys the sort of fascination that comes from doing +everything better and more easily than others. It was only during the +progress of such enterprises as this affair of the Petrel that I +succeeded in winning their allegiance; bit by bit, as Tom's had been won, +fanning their enthusiasm by impersonating at once Achilles and Homer, +recruiting while relating the Odyssey of the expedition in glowing +colours. Ralph always scoffed, and when I had no scheme on foot they went +back to him. Having surveyed the boat and predicted calamity, he +departed, leaving a circle of quaint and youthful figures around the +Petrel in the shed: Gene Hollister, romantically inclined, yet somewhat +hampered by a strict parental supervision; Ralph's cousin Ham Durrett, +who was even then a rather fat boy, good-natured but selfish; Don and +Harry Ewan, my second cousins; Mac and Nancy Willett and Sam and Sophy +McAlery. Nancy was a tomboy, not to be denied, and Sophy her shadow. We +held a council, the all-important question of which was how to get the +Petrel to the water, and what water to get her to. The river was not to +be thought of, and Blackstone Lake some six miles from town. Finally, +Logan's mill-pond was decided on,--a muddy sheet on the outskirts of the +city. But how to get her to Logan's mill-pond? Cephas was at length +consulted. It turned out that he had a coloured friend who went by the +impressive name of Thomas Jefferson Taliaferro (pronounced Tolliver), who +was in the express business; and who, after surveying the boat with some +misgivings,--for she was ten feet long,--finally consented to transport +her to "tide-water" for the sum of two dollars. But it proved that our +combined resources only amounted to a dollar and seventy-five cents. Ham +Durrett never contributed to anything. On this sum Thomas Jefferson +compromised. + +Saturday dawned clear, with a stiff March wind catching up the dust into +eddies and whirling it down the street. No sooner was my father safely on +his way to his office than Thomas Jefferson was reported to be in the +alley, where we assembled, surveying with some misgivings Thomas +Jefferson's steed, whose ability to haul the Petrel two miles seemed +somewhat doubtful. Other difficulties developed; the door in the back of +the shed proved to be too narrow for our ship's beam. But men embarked on +a desperate enterprise are not to be stopped by such trifles, and the +problem was solved by sawing out two adjoining boards. These were +afterwards replaced with skill by the ship's carpenter, Able Seaman Grits +Jarvis. Then the Petrel by heroic efforts was got into the wagon, the +seat of which had been removed, old Thomas Jefferson perched himself +precariously in the bow and protestingly gathered up his rope-patched +reins. + +"Folks'll 'low I'se plum crazy, drivin' dis yere boat," he declared, +observing with concern that some four feet of the stern projected over +the tail-board. "Ef she topples, I'll git to heaven quicker'n a bullet." + +When one is shanghaied, however,--in the hands of buccaneers,--it is too +late to withdraw. Six shoulders upheld the rear end of the Petrel, others +shoved, and Thomas Jefferson's rickety horse began to move forward in +spite of himself. An expression of sheer terror might have been observed +on the old negro's crinkled face, but his voice was drowned, and we swept +out of the alley. Scarcely had we travelled a block before we began to be +joined by all the boys along the line of march; marbles, tops, and even +incipient baseball games were abandoned that Saturday morning; people ran +out of their houses, teamsters halted their carts. The breathless +excitement, the exaltation I had felt on leaving the alley were now +tinged with other feelings, unanticipated, but not wholly lacking in +delectable quality,--concern and awe at these unforeseen forces I had +raised, at this ever growing and enthusiastic body of volunteers +springing up like dragon's teeth in our path. After all, was not I the +hero of this triumphal procession? The thought was consoling, +exhilarating. And here was Nancy marching at my side, a little subdued, +perhaps, but unquestionably admiring and realizing that it was I who had +created all this. Nancy, who was the aptest of pupils, the most loyal of +followers, though I did not yet value her devotion at its real worth, +because she was a girl. Her imagination kindled at my touch. And on this +eventful occasion she carried in her arms a parcel, the contents of which +were unknown to all but ourselves. At length we reached the muddy shores +of Logan's pond, where two score eager hands volunteered to assist the +Petrel into her native element. + +Alas! that the reality never attains to the vision. I had beheld, in my +dreams, the Petrel about to take the water, and Nancy Willett standing +very straight making a little speech and crashing a bottle of wine across +the bows. This was the content of the mysterious parcel; she had stolen +it from her father's cellar. But the number of uninvited spectators, +which had not been foreseen, considerably modified the programme,--as the +newspapers would have said. They pushed and crowded around the ship, and +made frank and even brutal remarks as to her seaworthiness; even Nancy, +inured though she was to the masculine sex, had fled to the heights, and +it looked at this supreme moment as though we should have to fight for +the Petrel. An attempt to muster her doughty buccaneers failed; the +gunner too had fled,--Gene Hollister; Ham Durrett and the Ewanses were +nowhere to be seen, and a muster revealed only Tom, the fidus Achates, +and Grits Jarvis. + +"Ah, s'y!" he exclaimed in the teeth of the menacing hordes. "Stand back, +carn't yer? I'll bash yer face in, Johnny. Whose boat is this?" + +Shall it be whispered that I regretted his belligerency? Here, in truth, +was the drama staged,--my drama, had I only been able to realize it. The +good ship beached, the headhunters hemming us in on all sides, the scene +prepared for one of those struggles against frightful odds which I had so +graphically related as an essential part of our adventures. + +"Let's roll the cuss in the fancy collar," proposed one of the +head-hunters,--meaning me. + +"I'll stove yer slats if yer touch him," said Grits, and then resorted to +appeal. "I s'y, carn't yer stand back and let a chap 'ave a charnst?" + +The head-hunters only jeered. And what shall be said of the Captain in +this moment of peril? Shall it be told that his heart was beating +wildly?--bumping were a better word. He was trying to remember that he +was the Captain. Otherwise, he must admit with shame that he, too, should +have fled. So much for romance when the test comes. Will he remain to +fall fighting for his ship? Like Horatius, he glanced up at the hill, +where, instead of the porch of the home where he would fain have been, he +beheld a wisp of a girl standing alone, her hat on the back of her head, +her hair flying in the wind, gazing intently down at him in his danger. +The renegade crew was nowhere to be seen. There are those who demand the +presence of a woman in order to be heroes.... + +"Give us a chance, can't you?" he cried, repeating Grits's appeal in not +quite such a stentorian tone as he would have liked, while his hand +trembled on the gunwale. Tom Peters, it must be acknowledged, was much +more of a buccaneer when it was a question of deeds, for he planted +himself in the way of the belligerent chief of the head-hunters (who +spoke with a decided brogue). + +"Get out of the way!" said Tom, with a little squeak in his voice. Yet +there he was, and he deserves a tribute. + +An unlooked-for diversion saved us from annihilation, in the shape of one +who had a talent for creating them. We were bewilderingly aware of a +girlish figure amongst us. + +"You cowards!" she cried. "You cowards!" + +Lithe, and fairly quivering with passion, it was Nancy who showed us how +to face the head-hunters. They gave back. They would have been brave +indeed if they had not retreated before such an intense little nucleus of +energy and indignation!... + +"Ah, give 'em a chanst," said their chief, after a moment.... He even +helped to push the boat towards the water. But he did not volunteer to be +one of those to man the Petrel on her maiden voyage. Nor did Logan's +pond, that wild March day, greatly resemble the South Seas. Nevertheless, +my eye on Nancy, I stepped proudly aboard and seized an "oar." Grits and +Tom followed,--when suddenly the Petrel sank considerably below the +water-line as her builders had estimated it. Ere we fully realized this, +the now friendly head-hunters had given us a shove, and we were off! The +Captain, who should have been waving good-bye to his lady love from the +poop, sat down abruptly,--the crew likewise; not, however, before she had +heeled to the scuppers, and a half-bucket of iced water had run it. +Head-hunters were mere daily episodes in Grits's existence, but water... +He muttered something in cockney that sounded like a prayer.... The wind +was rapidly driving us toward the middle of the pond, and something cold +and ticklish was seeping through the seats of our trousers. We sat like +statues.... + +The bright scene etched itself in my memory--the bare brown slopes with +which the pond was bordered, the Irish shanties, the clothes-lines with +red flannel shirts snapping in the biting wind; Nancy motionless on the +bank; the group behind her, silent now, impressed in spite of itself at +the sight of our intrepidity. + +The Petrel was sailing stern first.... Would any of us, indeed, ever see +home again? I thought of my father's wrath turned to sorrow because he +had refused to gratify a son's natural wish and present him with a real +rowboat.... Out of the corners of our eyes we watched the water creeping +around the gunwale, and the very muddiness of it seemed to enhance its +coldness, to make the horrors of its depths more mysterious and hideous. +The voice of Grits startled us. + +"O Gawd," he was saying, "we're a-going to sink, and I carn't swim! The +blarsted tar's give way back here." + +"Is she leaking?" I cried. + +"She's a-filling up like a bath tub," he lamented. + +Slowly but perceptibly, in truth, the bow was rising, and above the +whistling of the wind I could hear his chattering as she settled.... Then +several things happened simultaneously: an agonized cry behind me, +distant shouts from the shore, a sudden upward lunge of the bow, and the +torture of being submerged, inch by inch, in the icy, yellow water. +Despite the splashing behind me, I sat as though paralyzed until I was +waist deep and the boards turned under me, and then, with a spasmodic +contraction of my whole being I struck out--only to find my feet on the +muddy bottom. Such was the inglorious end of the good ship Petrel! For +she went down, with all hands, in little more than half a fathom of +water.... It was not until then I realized that we had been blown clear +across the pond! + +Figures were running along the shore. And as Tom and I emerged dragging +Grits between us,--for he might have been drowned there abjectly in the +shallows,--we were met by a stout and bare-armed Irishwoman whose scanty +hair, I remember, was drawn into a tight knot behind her head; and who +seized us, all three, as though we were a bunch of carrots. + +"Come along wid ye!" she cried. + +Shivering, we followed her up the hill, the spectators of the tragedy, +who by this time had come around the pond, trailing after. Nancy was not +among them. Inside the shanty into which we were thrust were two small +children crawling about the floor, and the place was filled with steam +from a wash-tub against the wall and a boiler on the stove. With a +vigorous injunction to make themselves scarce, the Irishwoman slammed the +door in the faces of the curious and ordered us to remove our clothes. +Grits was put to bed in a corner, while Tom and I, provided with various +garments, huddled over the stove. There fell to my lot the red flannel +shirt which I had seen on the clothes-line. She gave us hot coffee, and +was back at her wash-tub in no time at all, her entire comment on a +proceeding that seemed to Tom and me to have certain elements of gravity +being, "By's will be by's!" The final ironical touch was given the +anti-climax when our rescuer turned out to be the mother of the chief of +the head-hunters himself! He had lingered perforce with his brothers and +sister outside the cabin until dinner time, and when he came in he was +meek as Moses. + +Thus the ready hospitality of the poor, which passed over the heads of +Tom and me as we ate bread and onions and potatoes with a ravenous +hunger. It must have been about two o'clock in the afternoon when we bade +good-bye to our preserver and departed for home.... + +At first we went at a dog-trot, but presently slowed down to discuss the +future looming portentously ahead of us. Since entire concealment was now +impossible, the question was,--how complete a confession would be +necessary? Our cases, indeed, were dissimilar, and Tom's incentive to +hold back the facts was not nearly so great as mine. It sometimes seemed +to me in those days unjust that the Peterses were able on the whole to +keep out of criminal difficulties, in which I was more or less +continuously involved: for it did not strike me that their sins were not +those of the imagination. The method of Tom's father was the slipper. He +and Tom understood each other, while between my father and myself was a +great gulf fixed. Not that Tom yearned for the slipper; but he regarded +its occasional applications as being as inevitable as changes in the +weather; lying did not come easily to him, and left to himself he much +preferred to confess and have the matter over with. I have already +suggested that I had cultivated lying, that weapon of the weaker party, +in some degree, at least, in self-defence. + +Tom was loyal. Moreover, my conviction would probably deprive him for six +whole afternoons of my company, on which he was more or less dependent. +But the defence of this case presented unusual difficulties, and we +stopped several times to thrash them out. We had been absent from dinner, +and doubtless by this time Julia had informed Tom's mother of the +expedition, and anyone could see that our clothing had been wet. So I +lingered in no little anxiety behind the Peters stable while he made the +investigation. Our spirits rose considerably when he returned to report +that Julia had unexpectedly been a trump, having quieted his mother by +the surmise that he was spending the day with his Aunt Fanny. So far, so +good. The problem now was to decide upon what to admit. For we must both +tell the same story. + +It was agreed that we had fallen into Logan's Pond from a raft: my +suggestion. Well, said Tom, the Petrel hadn't proved much better than a +raft, after all. I was in no mood to defend her. + +This designation of the Petrel as a "raft" was my first legal quibble. +The question to be decided by the court was, What is a raft? just as the +supreme tribunal of the land has been required, in later years, to +decide, What is whiskey? The thing to be concealed if possible was the +building of the "raft," although this information was already in the +possession of a number of persons, whose fathers might at any moment see +fit to congratulate my own on being the parent of a genius. It was a +risk, however, that had to be run. And, secondly, since Grits Jarvis was +contraband, nothing was to be said about him. + +I have not said much about my mother, who might have been likened on such +occasions to a grand jury compelled to indict, yet torn between loyalty +to an oath and sympathy with the defendant. I went through the Peters +yard, climbed the wire fence, my object being to discover first from +Ella, the housemaid, or Hannah, the cook, how much was known in high +quarters. It was Hannah who, as I opened the kitchen door, turned at the +sound, and set down the saucepan she was scouring. + +"Is it home ye are? Mercy to goodness!" (this on beholding my shrunken +costume) "Glory be to God you're not drownded! and your mother worritin' +her heart out! So it's into the wather ye were?" + +I admitted it. + +"Hannah?" I said softly. + +"What then?" + +"Does mother know--about the boat?" + +"Now don't ye be wheedlin'." + +I managed to discover, however, that my mother did not know, and surmised +that the best reason why she had not been told had to do with Hannah's +criminal acquiescence concerning the operations in the shed. I ran into +the front hall and up the stairs, and my mother heard me coming and met +me on the landing. + +"Hugh, where have you been?" + +As I emerged from the semi-darkness of the stairway she caught sight of +my dwindled garments, of the trousers well above my ankles. Suddenly she +had me in her arms and was kissing me passionately. As she stood before +me in her grey, belted skirt, the familiar red-and-white cameo at her +throat, her heavy hair parted in the middle, in her eyes was an odd, +appealing look which I know now was a sign of mother love struggling with +a Presbyterian conscience. Though she inherited that conscience, I have +often thought she might have succeeded in casting it off--or at least +some of it--had it not been for the fact that in spite of herself she +worshipped its incarnation in the shape of my father. Her voice trembled +a little as she drew me to the sofa beside the window. + +"Tell me about what happened, my son," she said. + +It was a terrible moment for me. For my affections were still quiveringly +alive in those days, and I loved her. I had for an instant an instinctive +impulse to tell her the whole story,--South Sea Islands and all! And I +could have done it had I not beheld looming behind her another figure +which represented a stern and unsympathetic Authority, and somehow made +her, suddenly, of small account. Not that she would have understood the +romance, but she would have comprehended me. I knew that she was +powerless to save me from the wrath to come. I wept. It was because I +hated to lie to her,--yet I did so. Fear gripped me, and--like some +respectable criminals I have since known--I understood that any +confession I made would inexorably be used against me.... I wonder +whether she knew I was lying? At any rate, the case appeared to be a +grave one, and I was presently remanded to my room to be held over for +trial.... + +Vividly, as I write, I recall the misery of the hours I have spent, while +awaiting sentence, in the little chamber with the honeysuckle wall-paper +and steel engravings of happy but dumpy children romping in the fields +and groves. On this particular March afternoon the weather had become +morne, as the French say; and I looked down sadly into the grey back yard +which the wind of the morning had strewn with chips from the Petrel. At +last, when shadows were gathering in the corners of the room, I heard +footsteps. Ella appeared, prim and virtuous, yet a little commiserating. +My father wished to see me, downstairs. It was not the first time she had +brought that summons, and always her manner was the same! + +The scene of my trials was always the sitting room, lined with grim books +in their walnut cases. And my father sat, like a judge, behind the big +desk where he did his work when at home. Oh, the distance between us at +such an hour! I entered as delicately as Agag, and the expression in his +eye seemed to convict me before I could open my mouth. + +"Hugh," he said, "your mother tells me that you have confessed to going, +without permission, to Logan's Pond, where you embarked on a raft and +fell into the water." + +The slight emphasis he contrived to put on the word raft sent a colder +shiver down my spine than the iced water had done. What did he know? or +was this mere suspicion? Too late, now, at any rate, to plead guilty. + +"It was a sort of a raft, sir," I stammered. + +"A sort of a raft," repeated my father. "Where, may I ask, did you find +it?" + +"I--I didn't exactly find it, sir." + +"Ah!" said my father. (It was the moment to glance meaningly at the +jury.) The prisoner gulped. "You didn't exactly find it, then. Will you +kindly explain how you came by it?" + +"Well, sir, we--I--put it together." + +"Have you any objection to stating, Hugh, in plain English, that you made +it?" + +"No, sir, I suppose you might say that I made it." + +"Or that it was intended for a row-boat?" + +Here was the time to appeal, to force a decision as to what constituted a +row-boat. + +"Perhaps it might be called a row-boat, sir," I said abjectly. + +"Or that, in direct opposition to my wishes and commands in forbidding +you to have a boat, to spend your money foolishly and wickedly on a whim, +you constructed one secretly in the woodshed, took out a part of the back +partition, thus destroying property that did, not belong to you, and had +the boat carted this morning to Logan's Pond?" I was silent, utterly +undone. Evidently he had specific information.... There are certain +expressions that are, at times, more than mere figures of speech, and now +my father's wrath seemed literally towering. It added visibly to his +stature. + +"Hugh," he said, in a voice that penetrated to the very corners of my +soul, "I utterly fail to understand you. I cannot imagine how a son of +mine, a son of your mother who is the very soul of truthfulness and +honour--can be a liar." (Oh, the terrible emphasis he put on that word!) +"Nor is it as if this were a new tendency--I have punished you for it +before. Your mother and I have tried to do our duty by you, to instil +into you Christian teaching. But it seems wholly useless. I confess that +I am at a less how to proceed. You seem to have no conscience whatever, +no conception of what you owe to your parents and your God. You not only +persistently disregard my wishes and commands, but you have, for many +months, been leading a double life, facing me every day, while you were +secretly and continually disobeying me. I shudder to think where this +determination of yours to have what you desire at any price will lead you +in the future. It is just such a desire that distinguishes wicked men +from good." + +I will not linger upon a scene the very remembrance of which is painful +to this day.... I went from my father's presence in disgrace, in an agony +of spirit that was overwhelming, to lock the door of my room and drop +face downward on the bed, to sob until my muscles twitched. For he had, +indeed, put into me an awful fear. The greatest horror of my boyish +imagination was a wicked man. Was I, as he had declared, utterly depraved +and doomed in spite of myself to be one? + +There came a knock at my door--Ella with my supper. I refused to open, +and sent her away, to fall on my knees in the darkness and pray wildly to +a God whose attributes and character were sufficiently confused in my +mind. On the one hand was the stern, despotic Monarch of the Westminster +Catechism, whom I addressed out of habit, the Father who condemned a +portion of his children from the cradle. Was I one of those who he had +decreed before I was born must suffer the tortures of the flames of hell? +Putting two and two together, what I had learned in Sunday school and +gathered from parts of Dr. Pound's sermons, and the intimation of my +father that wickedness was within me, like an incurable disease,--was not +mine the logical conclusion? What, then, was the use of praying?... My +supplications ceased abruptly. And my ever ready imagination, stirred to +its depths, beheld that awful scene of the last day: the darkness, such +as sometimes creeps over the city in winter, when the jaundiced smoke +falls down and we read at noonday by gas-light. I beheld the tortured +faces of the wicked gathered on the one side, and my mother on the other +amongst the blessed, gazing across the gulf at me with yearning and +compassion. Strange that it did not strike me that the sight of the +condemned whom they had loved in life would have marred if not destroyed +the happiness of the chosen, about to receive their crowns and harps! +What a theology--that made the Creator and Preserver of all mankind thus +illogical! + + + + +III. + +Although I was imaginative, I was not morbidly introspective, and by the +end of the first day of my incarceration my interest in that solution had +waned. At times, however, I actually yearned for someone in whom I could +confide, who could suggest a solution. I repeat, I would not for worlds +have asked my father or my mother or Dr. Pound, of whom I had a wholesome +fear, or perhaps an unwholesome one. Except at morning Bible reading and +at church my parents never mentioned the name of the Deity, save to +instruct me formally. Intended or no, the effect of my religious training +was to make me ashamed of discussing spiritual matters, and naturally I +failed to perceive that this was because it laid its emphasis on personal +salvation.... I did not, however, become an unbeliever, for I was not of +a nature to contemplate with equanimity a godless universe.... + +My sufferings during these series of afternoon confinements did not come +from remorse, but were the result of a vague sense of injury; and their +effect was to generate within me a strange motive power, a desire to do +something that would astound my father and eventually wring from him the +confession that he had misjudged me. To be sure, I should have to wait +until early manhood, at least, for the accomplishment of such a coup. +Might it not be that I was an embryonic literary genius? Many were the +books I began in this ecstasy of self-vindication, only to abandon them +when my confinement came to an end. + +It was about this time, I think, that I experienced one of those shocks +which have a permanent effect upon character. It was then the custom for +ladies to spend the day with one another, bringing their sewing; and +sometimes, when I unexpectedly entered the sitting-room, the voices of my +mother's visitors would drop to a whisper. One afternoon I returned from +school to pause at the head of the stairs. Cousin Bertha Ewan and Mrs. +McAlery were discussing with my mother an affair that I judged from the +awed tone in which they spoke might prove interesting. + +"Poor Grace," Mrs. McAlery was saying, "I imagine she's paid a heavy +penalty. No man alive will be faithful under those circumstances." + +I stopped at the head of the stairs, with a delicious, guilty feeling. + +"Have they ever heard of her?" Cousin Bertha asked. + +"It is thought they went to Spain," replied Mrs. McAlery, solemnly, yet +not without a certain zest. "Mr. Jules Hollister will not have her name +mentioned in his presence, you know. And Whitcomb chased them as far as +New York with a horse-pistol in his pocket. The report is that he got to +the dock just as the ship sailed. And then, you know, he went to live +somewhere out West,--in Iowa, I believe." + +"Did he ever get a divorce?" Cousin Bertha inquired. + +"He was too good a church member, my dear," my mother reminded her. + +"Well, I'd have got one quick enough, church member or no church member," +declared Cousin Bertha, who had in her elements of daring. + +"Not that I mean for a moment to excuse her," Mrs. McAlery put in, "but +Edward Whitcomb did have a frightful temper, and he was awfully strict +with her, and he was old enough, anyhow, to be her father. Grace +Hollister was the last woman in the world I should have suspected of +doing so hideous a thing. She was so sweet and simple." + +"Jennings was very attractive," said my Cousin Bertha. "I don't think I +ever saw a handsomer man. Now, if he had looked at me--" + +The sentence was never finished, for at this crucial moment I dropped a +grammar.... + +I had heard enough, however, to excite my curiosity to the highest pitch. +And that evening, when I came in at five o'clock to study, I asked my +mother what had become of Gene Hollister's aunt. + +"She went away, Hugh," replied my mother, looking greatly troubled. + +"Why?" I persisted. + +"It is something you are too young to understand." + +Of course I started an investigation, and the next day at school I asked +the question of Gene Hollister himself, only to discover that he believed +his aunt to be dead! And that night he asked his mother if his Aunt Grace +were really alive, after all? Whereupon complications and explanations +ensued between our parents, of which we saw only the surface signs.... My +father accused me of eavesdropping (which I denied), and sentenced me to +an afternoon of solitary confinement for repeating something which I had +heard in private. I have reason to believe that my mother was also +reprimanded. + +It must not be supposed that I permitted the matter to rest. In addition +to Grits Jarvis, there was another contraband among my acquaintances, +namely, Alec Pound, the scrape-grace son of the Reverend Doctor Pound. +Alec had an encyclopaedic mind, especially well stocked with the kind of +knowledge I now desired; first and last he taught me much, which I would +better have got in another way. To him I appealed and got the story, my +worst suspicions being confirmed. Mrs. Whitcomb's house had been across +the alley from that of Mr. Jennings, but no one knew that anything was +"going on," though there had been signals from the windows--the +neighbours afterwards remembered.... + +I listened shudderingly. + +"But," I cried, "they were both married!" + +"What difference does that make when you love a woman?" Alec replied +grandly. "I could tell you much worse things than that." + +This he proceeded to do. Fascinated, I listened with a sickening +sensation. It was a mild afternoon in spring, and we stood in the deep +limestone gutter in front of the parsonage, a little Gothic wooden house +set in a gloomy yard. + +"I thought," said I, "that people couldn't love any more after they were +married, except each other." + +Alec looked at me pityingly. + +"You'll get over that notion," he assured me. + +Thus another ingredient entered my character. Denied its food at home, +good food, my soul eagerly consumed and made part of itself the +fermenting stuff that Alec Pound so willing distributed. And it was +fermenting stuff. Let us see what it did to me. Working slowly but +surely, it changed for me the dawning mystery of sex into an evil instead +of a holy one. The knowledge of the tragedy of Grace Hollister started me +to seeking restlessly, on bookshelves and elsewhere, for a secret that +forever eluded me, and forever led me on. The word fermenting aptly +describes the process begun, suggesting as it does something closed up, +away from air and sunlight, continually working in secret, engendering +forces that fascinated, yet inspired me with fear. Undoubtedly this +secretiveness of our elders was due to the pernicious dualism of their +orthodox Christianity, in which love was carnal and therefore evil, and +the flesh not the gracious soil of the spirit, but something to be +deplored and condemned, exorcised and transformed by the miracle of +grace. Now love had become a terrible power (gripping me) whose +enchantment drove men and women from home and friends and kindred to the +uttermost parts of the earth.... + +It was long before I got to sleep that night after my talk with Alec +Pound. I alternated between the horror and the romance of the story I had +heard, supplying for myself the details he had omitted: I beheld the +signals from the windows, the clandestine meetings, the sudden and +desperate flight. And to think that all this could have happened in our +city not five blocks from where I lay! + +My consternation and horror were concentrated on the man,--and yet I +recall a curious bifurcation. Instead of experiencing that automatic +righteous indignation which my father and mother had felt, which had +animated old Mr. Jules Hollister when he had sternly forbidden his +daughter's name to be mentioned in his presence, which had made these +people outcasts, there welled up within me an intense sympathy and pity. +By an instinctive process somehow linked with other experiences, I seemed +to be able to enter into the feelings of these two outcasts, to +understand the fearful yet fascinating nature of the impulse that had led +them to elude the vigilance and probity of a world with which I myself +was at odds. I pictured them in a remote land, shunned by mankind. Was +there something within me that might eventually draw me to do likewise? +The desire in me to which my father had referred, which would brook no +opposition, which twisted and squirmed until it found its way to its +object? I recalled the words of Jarvis, the carpenter, that if I ever set +my heart on another man's wife, God help him. God help me! + +A wicked man! I had never beheld the handsome and fascinating Mr. +Jennings, but I visualised him now; dark, like all villains, with a black +moustache and snapping black eyes. He carried a cane. I always associated +canes with villains. Whereupon I arose, groped for the matches, lighted +the gas, and gazing at myself in the mirror was a little reassured to +find nothing sinister in my countenance.... + +Next to my father's faith in a Moral Governor of the Universe was his +belief in the Tariff and the Republican Party. And this belief, among +others, he handed on to me. On the cinder playground of the Academy we +Republicans used to wage, during campaigns, pitched battles for the +Tariff. It did not take a great deal of courage to be a Republican in our +city, and I was brought up to believe that Democrats were irrational, +inferior, and--with certain exceptions like the Hollisters--dirty beings. +There was only one degree lower, and that was to be a mugwump. It was no +wonder that the Hollisters were Democrats, for they had a queer streak in +them; owing, no doubt, to the fact that old Mr. Jules Hollister's mother +had been a Frenchwoman. He looked like a Frenchman, by the way, and +always wore a skullcap. + +I remember one autumn afternoon having a violent quarrel with Gene +Hollister that bade fair to end in blows, when he suddenly +demanded:--"I'll bet you anything you don't know why you're a +Republican." + +"It's because I'm for the Tariff," I replied triumphantly. + +But his next question floored me. What, for example, was the Tariff? I +tried to bluster it out, but with no success. + +"Do you know?" I cried finally, with sudden inspiration. + +It turned out that he did not. + +"Aren't we darned idiots," he asked, "to get fighting over something we +don't know anything about?" + +That was Gene's French blood, of course. But his question rankled. And +how was I to know that he would have got as little satisfaction if he had +hurled it into the marching ranks of those imposing torch-light +processions which sometimes passed our house at night, with drums beating +and fifes screaming and torches waving,--thousands of citizens who were +for the Tariff for the same reason as I: to wit, because they were +Republicans. + +Yet my father lived and died in the firm belief that the United States of +America was a democracy! + +Resolved not to be caught a second time in such a humiliating position by +a Democrat, I asked my father that night what the Tariff was. But I was +too young to understand it, he said. I was to take his word for it that +the country would go to the dogs if the Democrats got in and the Tariff +were taken away. Here, in a nutshell, though neither he nor I realized +it, was the political instruction of the marching hordes. Theirs not to +reason why. I was too young, they too ignorant. Such is the method of +Authority! + +The steel-mills of Mr. Durrett and Mr. Hambleton, he continued, would be +forced to shut down, and thousands of workmen would starve. This was just +a sample of what would happen. Prosperity would cease, he declared. That +word, Prosperity, made a deep impression on me, and I recall the certain +reverential emphasis he laid on it. And while my solicitude for the +workmen was not so great as his and Mr. Durrett's, I was concerned as to +what would happen to us if those twin gods, the Tariff and Prosperity, +should take their departure from the land. Knowing my love for the good +things of the table, my father intimated, with a rare humour I failed to +appreciate, that we should have to live henceforth in spartan simplicity. +After that, like the intelligent workman, I was firmer than ever for the +Tariff. + +Such was the idealistic plane on which--and from a good man--I received +my first political instruction! And for a long time I connected the +dominance of the Republican Party with the continuation of manna and +quails, in other words, with nothing that had to do with the spiritual +welfare of any citizen, but with clothing and food and material comforts. +My education was progressing.... + +Though my father revered Plato and Aristotle, he did not, apparently, +take very seriously the contention that that government alone is good +"which seeks to attain the permanent interests of the governed by +evolving the character of its citizens." To put the matter brutally, +politics, despite the lofty sentiments on the transparencies in +torchlight processions, had only to do with the belly, not the soul. + +Politics and government, one perceives, had nothing to do with religion, +nor education with any of these. A secularized and disjointed world! Our +leading citizens, learned in the classics though some of them might be, +paid no heed to the dictum of the Greek idealist, who was more practical +than they would have supposed. "The man who does not carry his city +within his heart is a spiritual starveling." + +One evening, a year or two after that tariff campaign, I was pretending +to study my lessons under the student lamp in the sitting-room while my +mother sewed and my father wrote at his desk, when there was a ring at +the door-bell. I welcomed any interruption, even though the visitor +proved to be only the druggist's boy; and there was always the +possibility of a telegram announcing, for instance, the death of a +relative. Such had once been the case when my Uncle Avery Paret had died +in New York, and I was taken out of school for a blissful four days for +the funeral. + +I went tiptoeing into the hall and peeped over the banisters while Ella +opened the door. I heard a voice which I recognized as that of Perry +Blackwood's father asking for Mr. Paret; and then to my astonishment, I +saw filing after him into the parlour some ten or twelve persons. With +the exception of Mr. Ogilvy, who belonged to one of our old families, and +Mr. Watling, a lawyer who had married the youngest of Gene Hollister's +aunts, the visitors entered stealthily, after the manner of burglars; +some of these were heavy-jowled, and all had an air of mystery that +raised my curiosity and excitement to the highest pitch. I caught hold of +Ella as she came up the stairs, but she tore herself free, and announced +to my father that Mr. Josiah Blackwood and other gentlemen had asked to +see him. My father seemed puzzled as he went downstairs.... A long +interval elapsed, during which I did not make even a pretence of looking +at my arithmetic. At times the low hum of voices rose to what was almost +an uproar, and on occasions I distinguished a marked Irish brogue. + +"I wonder what they want?" said my mother, nervously. + +At last we heard the front door shut behind them, and my father came +upstairs, his usually serene face wearing a disturbed expression. + +"Who in the world was it, Mr. Paret?" asked my mother. + +My father sat down in the arm-chair. He was clearly making an effort for +self-control. + +"Blackwood and Ogilvy and Watling and some city politicians," he +exclaimed. + +"Politicians!" she repeated. "What did they want? That is, if it's +anything you can tell me," she added apologetically. + +"They wished me to be the Republican candidate for the mayor of this +city." + +This tremendous news took me off my feet. My father mayor! + +"Of course you didn't consider it, Mr. Paret," my mother was saying. + +"Consider it!" he echoed reprovingly. "I can't imagine what Ogilvy and +Watling and Josiah Blackwood were thinking of! They are out of their +heads. I as much as told them so." + +This was more than I could bear, for I had already pictured myself +telling the news to envious schoolmates. + +"Oh, father, why didn't you take it?" I cried. + +By this time, when he turned to me, he had regained his usual expression. + +"You don't know what you're talking about, Hugh," he said. "Accept a +political office! That sort of thing is left to politicians." + +The tone in which he spoke warned me that a continuation of the +conversation would be unwise, and my mother also understood that the +discussion was closed. He went back to his desk, and began writing again +as though nothing had happened. + +As for me, I was left in a palpitating state of excitement which my +father's self-control or sang-froid only served to irritate and enhance, +and my head was fairly spinning as, covertly, I watched his pen steadily +covering the paper. + +How could he--how could any man of flesh and blood sit down calmly after +having been offered the highest honour in the gift of his community! And +he had spurned it as if Mr. Blackwood and the others had gratuitously +insulted him! And how was it, if my father so revered the Republican +Party that he would not suffer it to be mentioned slightingly in his +presence, that he had refused contemptuously to be its mayor?... + +The next day at school, however, I managed to let it be known that the +offer had been made and declined. After all, this seemed to make my +father a bigger man than if he had accepted it. Naturally I was asked why +he had declined it. + +"He wouldn't take it," I replied scornfully. "Office-holding should be +left to politicians." + +Ralph Hambleton, with his precocious and cynical knowledge of the world, +minimized my triumph by declaring that he would rather be his +grandfather, Nathaniel Durrett, than the mayor of the biggest city in the +country. Politicians, he said, were bloodsuckers and thieves, and the +only reason for holding office was that it enabled one to steal the +taxpayers' money.... + +As I have intimated, my vision of a future literary career waxed and +waned, but a belief that I was going to be Somebody rarely deserted me. +If not a literary lion, what was that Somebody to be? Such an environment +as mine was woefully lacking in heroic figures to satisfy the romantic +soul. In view of the experience I have just related, it is not surprising +that the notion of becoming a statesman did not appeal to me; nor is it +to be wondered at, despite the somewhat exaggerated respect and awe in +which Ralph's grandfather was held by my father and other influential +persons, that I failed to be stirred by the elements of greatness in the +grim personality of our first citizen, the iron-master. For he possessed +such elements. He lived alone in Ingrain Street in an uncompromising +mansion I always associated with the Sabbath, not only because I used to +be taken there on decorous Sunday visits by my father, but because it was +the very quintessence of Presbyterianism. The moment I entered its +"portals"--as Mr. Hawthorne appropriately would have called them--my +spirit was overwhelmed and suffocated by its formality and orderliness. +Within its stern walls Nathaniel Durrett had made a model universe of his +own, such as the Deity of the Westminster Confession had no doubt meant +his greater one to be if man had not rebelled and foiled him.... It was a +world from which I was determined to escape at any cost. + +My father and I were always ushered into the gloomy library, with its +high ceiling, with its long windows that reached almost to the rococo +cornice, with its cold marble mantelpiece that reminded me of a +tombstone, with its interminable book shelves filled with yellow +bindings. On the centre table, in addition to a ponderous Bible, was one +of those old-fashioned carafes of red glass tipped with blue surmounted +by a tumbler of blue tipped with red. Behind this table Mr. Durrett sat +reading a volume of sermons, a really handsome old man in his black tie +and pleated shirt; tall and spare, straight as a ramrod, with a finely +moulded head and straight nose and sinewy hands the colour of mulberry +stain. He called my father by his first name, an immense compliment, +considering how few dared to do so. + +"Well, Matthew," the old man would remark, after they had discussed Dr. +Pound's latest flight on the nature of the Trinity or the depravity of +man, or horticulture, or the Republican Party, "do you have any better +news of Hugh at school?" + +"I regret to say, Mr. Durrett," my father would reply, "that he does not +yet seem to be aroused to a sense of his opportunities." + +Whereupon Mr. Durrett would gimble me with a blue eye that lurked beneath +grizzled brows, quite as painful a proceeding as if he used an iron tool. +I almost pity myself when I think of what a forlorn stranger I was in +their company. They two, indeed, were of one kind, and I of another sort +who could never understand them,--nor they me. To what depths of despair +they reduced me they never knew, and yet they were doing it all for my +good! They only managed to convince me that my love of folly was +ineradicable, and that I was on my way head first for perdition. I always +looked, during these excruciating and personal moments, at the coloured +glass bottle. + +"It grieves me to hear it, Hugh," Mr. Durrett invariably declared. +"You'll never come to any good without study. Now when I was your age..." + +I knew his history by heart, a common one in this country, although he +made an honourable name instead of a dishonourable one. And when I +contrast him with those of his successors whom I was to know later...! +But I shall not anticipate. American genius had not then evolved the +false entry method of overcapitalization. A thrilling history, Mr. +Durrett's, could I but have entered into it. I did not reflect then that +this stern old man must have throbbed once; nay, fire and energy still +remained in his bowels, else he could not have continued to dominate a +city. Nor did it occur to me that the great steel-works that lighted the +southern sky were the result of a passion, of dreams similar to those +possessing me, but which I could not express. He had founded a family +whose position was virtually hereditary, gained riches which for those +days were great, compelled men to speak his name with a certain awe. But +of what use were such riches as his when his religion and morality +compelled him to banish from him all the joys in the power of riches to +bring? + +No, I didn't want to be an iron-master. But it may have been about this +time that I began to be impressed with the power of wealth, the adulation +and reverence it commanded, the importance in which it clothed all who +shared in it.... + +The private school I attended in the company of other boys with whom I +was brought up was called Densmore Academy, a large, square building of a +then hideous modernity, built of smooth, orange-red bricks with threads +of black mortar between them. One reads of happy school days, yet I fail +to recall any really happy hours spent there, even in the yard, which was +covered with black cinders that cut you when you fell. I think of it as a +penitentiary, and the memory of the barred lower windows gives substance +to this impression. + +I suppose I learned something during the seven years of my incarceration. +All of value, had its teachers known anything of youthful psychology, of +natural bent, could have been put into me in three. At least four +criminally wasted years, to say nothing of the benumbing and desiccating +effect of that old system of education! Chalk and chalk-dust! The +Mediterranean a tinted portion of the map, Italy a man's boot which I +drew painfully, with many yawns; history no glorious epic revealing as it +unrolls the Meaning of Things, no revelation of that wondrous +distillation of the Spirit of man, but an endless marching and +counter-marching up and down the map, weary columns of figures to be +learned by rote instantly to be forgotten again. "On June the 7th General +So-and-so proceeded with his whole army--" where? What does it matter? +One little chapter of Carlyle, illuminated by a teacher of understanding, +were worth a million such text-books. Alas, for the hatred of Virgil! +"Paret" (a shiver), "begin at the one hundred and thirtieth line and +translate!" I can hear myself droning out in detestable English a +meaningless portion of that endless journey of the pious AEneas; can see +Gene Hollister, with heart-rending glances of despair, stumbling through +Cornelius Nepos in an unventilated room with chalk-rubbed blackboards and +heavy odours of ink and stale lunch. And I graduated from Densmore +Academy, the best school in our city, in the 80's, without having been +taught even the rudiments of citizenship. + +Knowledge was presented to us as a corpse, which bit by bit we painfully +dissected. We never glimpsed the living, growing thing, never experienced +the Spirit, the same spirit that was able magically to waft me from a +wintry Lyme Street to the South Seas, the energizing, electrifying Spirit +of true achievement, of life, of God himself. Little by little its flames +were smothered until in manhood there seemed no spark of it left alive. +Many years were to pass ere it was to revive again, as by a miracle. I +travelled. Awakening at dawn, I saw, framed in a port-hole, rose-red +Seriphos set in a living blue that paled the sapphire; the seas Ulysses +had sailed, and the company of the Argonauts. My soul was steeped in +unimagined colour, and in the memory of one rapturous instant is gathered +what I was soon to see of Greece, is focussed the meaning of history, +poetry and art. I was to stand one evening in spring on the mound where +heroes sleep and gaze upon the plain of Marathon between darkening +mountains and the blue thread of the strait peaceful now, flushed with +pink and white blossoms of fruit and almond trees; to sit on the +cliff-throne whence a Persian King had looked down upon a Salamis fought +and lost.... In that port-hole glimpse a Themistocles was revealed, a +Socrates, a Homer and a Phidias, an AEschylus, and a Pericles; yes, and a +John brooding Revelations on his sea-girt rock as twilight falls over the +waters.... + +I saw the Roman Empire, that Scarlet Woman whose sands were dyed crimson +with blood to appease her harlotry, whose ships were laden with treasures +from the immutable East, grain from the valley of the Nile, spices from +Arabia, precious purple stuffs from Tyre, tribute and spoil, slaves and +jewels from conquered nations she absorbed; and yet whose very emperors +were the unconscious instruments of a Progress they wot not of, preserved +to the West by Marathon and Salamis. With Caesar's legions its message +went forth across Hispania to the cliffs of the wild western ocean, +through Hercynian forests to tribes that dwelt where great rivers roll up +their bars by misty, northern seas, and even to Celtic fastnesses beyond +the Wall.... + + + + +IV. + +In and out of my early memories like a dancing ray of sunlight flits the +spirit of Nancy. I was always fond of her, but in extreme youth I +accepted her incense with masculine complacency and took her allegiance +for granted, never seeking to fathom the nature of the spell I exercised +over her. Naturally other children teased me about her; but what was +worse, with that charming lack of self-consciousness and consideration +for what in after life are called the finer feelings, they teased her +about me before me, my presence deterring them not at all. I can see them +hopping around her in the Peters yard crying out:--"Nancy's in love with +Hugh! Nancy's in love with Hugh!" + +A sufficiently thrilling pastime, this, for Nancy could take care of +herself. I was a bungler beside her when it came to retaliation, and not +the least of her attractions for me was her capacity for anger: fury +would be a better term. She would fly at them--even as she flew at the +head-hunters when the Petrel was menaced; and she could run like a deer. +Woe to the unfortunate victim she overtook! Masculine strength, exercised +apologetically, availed but little, and I have seen Russell Peters and +Gene Hollister retire from such encounters humiliated and weeping. She +never caught Ralph; his methods of torture were more intelligent and +subtle than Gene's and Russell's, but she was his equal when it came to a +question of tongues. + +"I know what's the matter with you, Ralph Hambleton," she would say. +"You're jealous." An accusation that invariably put him on the defensive. +"You think all the girls are in love with you, don't you?" + +These scenes I found somewhat embarrassing. Not so Nancy. After +discomfiting her tormenters, or wounding and scattering them, she would +return to my side.... In spite of her frankly expressed preference for me +she had an elusiveness that made a continual appeal to my imagination. +She was never obvious or commonplace, and long before I began to +experience the discomforts and sufferings of youthful love I was +fascinated by a nature eloquent with contradictions and inconsistencies. +She was a tomboy, yet her own sex was enhanced rather than overwhelmed by +contact with the other: and no matter how many trees she climbed she +never seemed to lose her daintiness. It was innate. + +She could, at times, be surprisingly demure. These impressions of her +daintiness and demureness are particularly vivid in a picture my memory +has retained of our walking together, unattended, to Susan Blackwood's +birthday party. She must have been about twelve years old. It was the +first time I had escorted her or any other girl to a party; Mrs. Willett +had smiled over the proceeding, but Nancy and I took it most seriously, +as symbolic of things to come. I can see Powell Street, where Nancy +lived, at four o'clock on a mild and cloudy December afternoon, the +decorous, retiring houses, Nancy on one side of the pavement by the iron +fences and I on the other by the tree boxes. I can't remember her dress, +only the exquisite sense of her slimness and daintiness comes back to me, +of her dark hair in a long braid tied with a red ribbon, of her slender +legs clad in black stockings of shining silk. We felt the occasion to be +somehow too significant, too eloquent for words.... + +In silence we climbed the flight of stone steps that led up to the +Blackwood mansion, when suddenly the door was opened, letting out sounds +of music and revelry. Mr. Blackwood's coloured butler, Ned, beamed at us +hospitably, inviting us to enter the brightness within. The shades were +drawn, the carpets were covered with festal canvas, the folding doors +between the square rooms were flung back, the prisms of the big +chandeliers flung their light over animated groups of matrons and +children. Mrs. Watling, the mother of the Watling twins--too young to be +present was directing with vivacity the game of "King William was King +James's son," and Mrs. McAlery was playing the piano. + + "Now choose you East, now choose you West, + Now choose the one you love the best!" + +Tom Peters, in a velvet suit and consequently very miserable, refused to +embrace Ethel Hollister; while the scornful Julia lurked in a corner: +nothing would induce her to enter such a foolish game. I experienced a +novel discomfiture when Ralph kissed Nancy.... Afterwards came the feast, +from which Ham Durrett, in a pink paper cap with streamers, was at length +forcibly removed by his mother. Thus early did he betray his love for the +flesh pots.... + +It was not until I was sixteen that a player came and touched the keys of +my soul, and it awoke, bewildered, at these first tender notes. The music +quickened, tripping in ecstasy, to change by subtle phrases into themes +of exquisite suffering hitherto unexperienced. I knew that I loved Nancy. + +With the advent of longer dresses that reached to her shoe tops a change +had come over her. The tomboy, the willing camp-follower who loved me and +was unashamed, were gone forever, and a mysterious, transfigured being, +neither girl nor woman, had magically been evolved. Could it be possible +that she loved me still? My complacency had vanished; suddenly I had +become the aggressor, if only I had known how to "aggress"; but in her +presence I was seized by an accursed shyness that paralyzed my tongue, +and the things I had planned to say were left unuttered. It was +something--though I did not realize it--to be able to feel like that. + +The time came when I could no longer keep this thing to myself. The need +of an outlet, of a confidant, became imperative, and I sought out Tom +Peters. It was in February; I remember because I had ventured--with +incredible daring--to send Nancy an elaborate, rosy Valentine; written on +the back of it in a handwriting all too thinly disguised was the +following verse, the triumphant result of much hard thinking in school +hours:-- + + Should you of this the sender guess + Without another sign, + Would you repent, and rest content + To be his Valentine + +I grew hot and cold by turns when I thought of its possible effects on my +chances. + +One of those useless, slushy afternoons, I took Tom for a walk that led +us, as dusk came on, past Nancy's house. Only by painful degrees did I +succeed in overcoming my bashfulness; but Tom, when at last I had blurted +out the secret, was most sympathetic, although the ailment from which I +suffered was as yet outside of the realm of his experience. I have used +the word "ailment" advisedly, since he evidently put my trouble in the +same category with diphtheria or scarlet fever, remarking that it was +"darned hard luck." In vain I sought to explain that I did not regard it +as such in the least; there was suffering, I admitted, but a degree of +bliss none could comprehend who had not felt it. He refused to be +envious, or at least to betray envy; yet he was curious, asking many +questions, and I had reason to think before we parted that his admiration +for me was increased. Was it possible that he, too, didn't love Nancy? +No, it was funny, but he didn't. He failed to see much in girls: his tone +remained commiserating, yet he began to take an interest in the progress +of my suit. + +For a time I had no progress to report. Out of consideration for those +members of our weekly dancing class whose parents were Episcopalians the +meetings were discontinued during Lent, and to call would have demanded a +courage not in me; I should have become an object of ridicule among my +friends and I would have died rather than face Nancy's mother and the +members of her household. I set about making ingenious plans with a view +to encounters that might appear casual. Nancy's school was dismissed at +two, so was mine. By walking fast I could reach Salisbury Street, near +St. Mary's Seminary for Young Ladies, in time to catch her, but even then +for many days I was doomed to disappointment. She was either in company +with other girls, or else she had taken another route; this I surmised +led past Sophy McAlery's house, and I enlisted Tom as a confederate. He +was to make straight for the McAlery's on Elm while I followed Powell, +two short blocks away, and if Nancy went to Sophy's and left there alone +he was to announce the fact by a preconcerted signal. Through long and +persistent practice he had acquired a whistle shrill enough to wake the +dead, accomplished by placing a finger of each hand between his teeth;--a +gift that was the envy of his acquaintances, and the subject of much +discussion as to whether his teeth were peculiar. Tom insisted that they +were; it was an added distinction. + +On this occasion he came up behind Nancy as she was leaving Sophy's gate +and immediately sounded the alarm. She leaped in the air, dropped her +school-books and whirled on him. + +"Tom Peters! How dare you frighten me so!" she cried. + +Tom regarded her in sudden dismay. + +"I--I didn't mean to," he said. "I didn't think you were so near." + +"But you must have seen me." + +"I wasn't paying much attention," he equivocated,--a remark not +calculated to appease her anger. + +"Why were you doing it?" + +"I was just practising," said Tom. + +"Practising!" exclaimed Nancy, scornfully. "I shouldn't think you needed +to practise that any more." + +"Oh, I've done it louder," he declared, "Listen!" + +She seized his hands, snatching them away from his lips. At this critical +moment I appeared around the corner considerably out of breath, my heart +beating like a watchman's rattle. I tried to feign nonchalance. + +"Hello, Tom," I said. "Hello, Nancy. What's the matter?" + +"It's Tom--he frightened me out of my senses." Dropping his wrists, she +gave me a most disconcerting look; there was in it the suspicion of a +smile. "What are you doing here, Hugh?" + +"I heard Tom," I explained. + +"I should think you might have. Where were you?" + +"Over in another street," I answered, with deliberate vagueness. Nancy +had suddenly become demure. I did not dare look at her, but I had a most +uncomfortable notion that she suspected the plot. Meanwhile we had begun +to walk along, all three of us, Tom, obviously ill at ease and +discomfited, lagging a little behind. Just before we reached the corner I +managed to kick him. His departure was by no means graceful. + +"I've got to go;" he announced abruptly, and turned down the side street. +We watched his sturdy figure as it receded. + +"Well, of all queer boys!" said Nancy, and we walked on again. + +"He's my best friend," I replied warmly. + +"He doesn't seem to care much for your company," said Nancy. + +"Oh, they have dinner at half past two," I explained. + +"Aren't you afraid of missing yours, Hugh?" she asked wickedly. + +"I've got time. I'd--I'd rather be with you." After making which +audacious remark I was seized by a spasm of apprehension. But nothing +happened. Nancy remained demure. She didn't remind me that I had +reflected upon Tom. + +"That's nice of you, Hugh." + +"Oh, I'm not saying it because it's nice," I faltered. "I'd rather be +with you than--with anybody." + +This was indeed the acme of daring. I couldn't believe I had actually +said it. But again I received no rebuke; instead came a remark that set +me palpitating, that I treasured for many weeks to come. + +"I got a very nice valentine," she informed me. + +"What was it like?" I asked thickly. + +"Oh, beautiful! All pink lace and--and Cupids, and the picture of a young +man and a young woman in a garden." + +"Was that all?" + +"Oh, no, there was a verse, in the oddest handwriting. I wonder who sent +it?" + +"Perhaps Ralph," I hazarded ecstatically. + +"Ralph couldn't write poetry," she replied disdainfully. "Besides, it was +very good poetry." + +I suggested other possible authors and admirers. She rejected them all. +We reached her gate, and I lingered. As she looked down at me from the +stone steps her eyes shone with a soft light that filled me with +radiance, and into her voice had come a questioning, shy note that +thrilled the more because it revealed a new Nancy of whom I had not +dreamed. + +"Perhaps I'll meet you again--coming from school," I said. + +"Perhaps," she answered. "You'll be late to dinner, Hugh, if you don't +go...." + +I was late, and unable to eat much dinner, somewhat to my mother's alarm. +Love had taken away my appetite.... After dinner, when I was wandering +aimlessly about the yard, Tom appeared on the other side of the fence. + +"Don't ever ask me to do that again," he said gloomily. + +I did meet Nancy again coming from school, not every day, but nearly +every day. At first we pretended that there was no arrangement in this, +and we both feigned surprise when we encountered one another. It was +Nancy who possessed the courage that I lacked. One afternoon she +said:--"I think I'd better walk with the girls to-morrow, Hugh." + +I protested, but she was firm. And after that it was an understood thing +that on certain days I should go directly home, feeling like an exile. +Sophy McAlery had begun to complain: and I gathered that Sophy was +Nancy's confidante. The other girls had begun to gossip. It was Nancy who +conceived the brilliant idea--the more delightful because she said +nothing about it to me--of making use of Sophy. She would leave school +with Sophy, and I waited on the corner near the McAlery house. Poor +Sophy! She was always of those who piped while others danced. In those +days she had two straw-coloured pigtails, and her plain, faithful face is +before me as I write. She never betrayed to me the excitement that filled +her at being the accomplice of our romance. + +Gossip raged, of course. Far from being disturbed, we used it, so to +speak, as a handle for our love-making, which was carried on in an +inferential rather than a direct fashion. Were they saying that we were +lovers? Delightful! We laughed at one another in the sunshine.... At last +we achieved the great adventure of a clandestine meeting and went for a +walk in the afternoon, avoiding the houses of our friends. I've forgotten +which of us had the boldness to propose it. The crocuses and tulips had +broken the black mould, the flower beds in the front yards were beginning +to blaze with scarlet and yellow, the lawns had turned a living green. +What did we talk about? The substance has vanished, only the flavour +remains. + +One awoke of a morning to the twittering of birds, to walk to school +amidst delicate, lace-like shadows of great trees acloud with old gold: +the buds lay curled like tiny feathers on the pavements. Suddenly the +shade was dense, the sunlight white and glaring, the odour of lilacs +heavy in the air, spring in all its fulness had come,--spring and Nancy. +Just so subtly, yet with the same seeming suddenness had budded and come +to leaf and flower a perfect understanding, which nevertheless remained +undefined. This, I had no doubt, was my fault, and due to the +incomprehensible shyness her presence continued to inspire. Although we +did not altogether abandon our secret trysts, we began to meet in more +natural ways; there were garden parties and picnics where we strayed +together through the woods and fields, pausing to tear off, one by one, +the petals of a daisy, "She loves me, she loves me not." I never ventured +to kiss her; I always thought afterwards I might have done so, she had +seemed so willing, her eyes had shone so expectantly as I sat beside her +on the grass; nor can I tell why I desired to kiss her save that this was +the traditional thing to do to the lady one loved. To be sure, the very +touch of her hand was galvanic. Paradoxically, I saw the human side of +her, the yielding gentleness that always amazed me, yet I never overcame +my awe of the divine; she was a being sacrosanct. Whether this idealism +were innate or the result of such romances as I had read I cannot say.... +I got, indeed, an avowal of a sort. The weekly dancing classes having +begun again, on one occasion when she had waltzed twice with Gene +Hollister I protested. + +"Don't be silly, Hugh," she whispered. "Of course I like you better than +anyone else--you ought to know that." + +We never got to the word "love," but we knew the feeling. + +One cloud alone flung its shadow across these idyllic days. Before I was +fully aware of it I had drawn very near to the first great junction-point +of my life, my graduation from Densmore Academy. We were to "change +cars," in the language of Principal Haime. Well enough for the fortunate +ones who were to continue the academic journey, which implied a +postponement of the serious business of life; but month after month of +the last term had passed without a hint from my father that I was to +change cars. Again and again I almost succeeded in screwing up my courage +to the point of mentioning college to him,--never quite; his manner, +though kind and calm, somehow strengthened my suspicion that I had been +judged and found wanting, and doomed to "business": galley slavery, I +deemed it, humdrum, prosaic, degrading! When I thought of it at night I +experienced almost a frenzy of self-pity. My father couldn't intend to do +that, just because my monthly reports hadn't always been what he thought +they ought to be! Gene Hollister's were no better, if as good, and he was +going to Princeton. Was I, Hugh Paret, to be denied the distinction of +being a college man, the delights of university existence, cruelly +separated and set apart from my friends whom I loved! held up to the +world and especially to Nancy Willett as good for nothing else! The +thought was unbearable. Characteristically, I hoped against hope. + +I have mentioned garden parties. One of our annual institutions was Mrs. +Willett's children's party in May; for the Willett house had a garden +that covered almost a quarter of a block. Mrs. Willett loved children, +the greatest regret of her life being that providence had denied her a +large family. As far back as my memory goes she had been something of an +invalid; she had a sweet, sad face, and delicate hands so thin as to seem +almost transparent; and she always sat in a chair under the great tree on +the lawn, smiling at us as we soared to dizzy heights in the swing, or +played croquet, or scurried through the paths, and in and out of the +latticed summer-house with shrieks of laughter and terror. It all ended +with a feast at a long table made of sawhorses and boards covered with a +white cloth, and when the cake was cut there was wild excitement as to +who would get the ring and who the thimble. + +We were more decorous, or rather more awkward now, and the party began +with a formal period when the boys gathered in a group and pretended +indifference to the girls. The girls were cleverer at it, and actually +achieved the impression that they were indifferent. We kept an eye on +them, uneasily, while we talked. To be in Nancy's presence and not alone +with Nancy was agonizing, and I wondered at a sang-froid beyond my power +to achieve, accused her of coldness, my sufferings being the greater +because she seemed more beautiful, daintier, more irreproachable than I +had ever seen her. Even at that early age she gave evidence of the social +gift, and it was due to her efforts that we forgot our best clothes and +our newly born self-consciousness. When I begged her to slip away with me +among the currant bushes she whispered:--"I can't, Hugh. I'm the hostess, +you know." + +I had gone there in a flutter of anticipation, but nothing went right +that day. There was dancing in the big rooms that looked out on the +garden; the only girl with whom I cared to dance was Nancy, and she was +busy finding partners for the backward members of both sexes; though she +was my partner, to be sure, when it all wound up with a Virginia reel on +the lawn. Then, at supper, to cap the climax of untoward incidents, an +animated discussion was begun as to the relative merits of the various +colleges, the girls, too, taking sides. Mac Willett, Nancy's cousin, was +going to Yale, Gene Hollister to Princeton, the Ewan boys to our State +University, while Perry Blackwood and Ralph Hambleton and Ham Durrett +were destined for Harvard; Tom Peters, also, though he was not to +graduate from the Academy for another year. I might have known that Ralph +would have suspected my misery. He sat triumphantly next to Nancy +herself, while I had been told off to entertain the faithful Sophy. +Noticing my silence, he demanded wickedly:--"Where are you going, Hugh?" + +"Harvard, I think," I answered with as bold a front as I could muster. "I +haven't talked it over with my father yet." It was intolerable to admit +that I of them all was to be left behind. + +Nancy looked at me in surprise. She was always downright. + +"Oh, Hugh, doesn't your father mean to put you in business?" she +exclaimed. + +A hot flush spread over my face. Even to her I had not betrayed my +apprehensions on this painful subject. Perhaps it was because of this +very reason, knowing me as she did, that she had divined my fate. Could +my father have spoken of it to anyone? + +"Not that I know of," I said angrily. I wondered if she knew how deeply +she had hurt me. The others laughed. The colour rose in Nancy's cheeks, +and she gave me an appealing, almost tearful look, but my heart had +hardened. As soon as supper was over I left the table to wander, nursing +my wrongs, in a far corner of the garden, gay shouts and laughter still +echoing in my ears. I was negligible, even my pathetic subterfuge had +been detected and cruelly ridiculed by these friends whom I had always +loved and sought out, and who now were so absorbed in their own prospects +and happiness that they cared nothing for mine. And Nancy! I had been +betrayed by Nancy!... Twilight was coming on. I remember glancing down +miserably at the new blue suit I had put on so hopefully for the first +time that afternoon. + +Separating the garden from the street was a high, smooth board fence with +a little gate in it, and I had my hand on the latch when I heard the +sound of hurrying steps on the gravel path and a familiar voice calling +my name. + +"Hugh! Hugh!" + +I turned. Nancy stood before me. + +"Hugh, you're not going!" + +"Yes, I am." + +"Why?" + +"If you don't know, there's no use telling you." + +"Just because I said your father intended to put you in business! Oh, +Hugh, why are you so foolish and so proud? Do you suppose that +anyone--that I--think any the worse of you?" + +Yes, she had read me, she alone had entered into the source of that +prevarication, the complex feelings from which it sprang. But at that +moment I could not forgive her for humiliating me. I hugged my grievance. + +"It was true, what I said," I declared hotly. "My father has not spoken. +It is true that I'm going to college, because I'll make it true. I may +not go this year." + +She stood staring in sheer surprise at sight of my sudden, quivering +passion. I think the very intensity of it frightened her. And then, +without more ado, I opened the gate and was gone.... + +That night, though I did not realize it, my journey into a Far Country +was begun. + +The misery that followed this incident had one compensating factor. +Although too late to electrify Densmore and Principal Haime with my +scholarship, I was determined to go to college now, somehow, sometime. I +would show my father, these companions of mine, and above all Nancy +herself the stuff of which I was made, compel them sooner or later to +admit that they had misjudged me. I had been possessed by similar +resolutions before, though none so strong, and they had a way of sinking +below the surface of my consciousness, only to rise again and again until +by sheer pressure they achieved realization. + +Yet I might have returned to Nancy if something had not occurred which I +would have thought unbelievable: she began to show a marked preference +for Ralph Hambleton. At first I regarded this affair as the most obvious +of retaliations. She, likewise, had pride. Gradually, however, a feeling +of uneasiness crept over me: as pretence, her performance was altogether +too realistic; she threw her whole soul into it, danced with Ralph as +often as she had ever danced with me, took walks with him, deferred to +his opinions until, in spite of myself, I became convinced that the +preference was genuine. I was a curious mixture of self-confidence and +self-depreciation, and never had his superiority seemed more patent than +now. His air of satisfaction was maddening. + +How well I remember his triumph on that hot, June morning of our +graduation from Densmore, a triumph he had apparently achieved without +labour, and which he seemed to despise. A fitful breeze blew through the +chapel at the top of the building; we, the graduates, sat in two rows +next to the platform, and behind us the wooden benches nicked by many +knives--were filled with sisters and mothers and fathers, some anxious, +some proud and some sad. So brief a span, like that summer's day, and +youth was gone! Would the time come when we, too, should sit by the +waters of Babylon and sigh for it? The world was upside down. + +We read the one hundred and third psalm. Then Principal Haime, in his +long "Prince Albert" and a ridiculously inadequate collar that emphasized +his scrawny neck, reminded us of the sacred associations we had formed, +of the peculiar responsibilities that rested on us, who were the +privileged of the city. "We had crossed to-day," he said, "an invisible +threshold. Some were to go on to higher institutions of learning. +Others..." I gulped. Quoting the Scriptures, he complimented those who +had made the most of their opportunities. And it was then that he called +out, impressively, the name of Ralph Forrester Hambleton. Summa cum +laude! Suddenly I was seized with passionate, vehement regrets at the +sound of the applause. I might have been the prize scholar, instead of +Ralph, if I had only worked, if I had only realized what this focussing +day of graduation meant! I might have been a marked individual, with +people murmuring words of admiration, of speculation concerning the +brilliancy of my future!... When at last my name was called and I rose to +receive my diploma it seemed as though my incompetency had been +proclaimed to the world... + +That evening I stood in the narrow gallery of the flag-decked gymnasium +and watched Nancy dancing with Ralph. + +I let her go without protest or reproach. A mysterious lesion seemed to +have taken place, I felt astonished and relieved, yet I was heavy with +sadness. My emancipation had been bought at a price. Something hitherto +spontaneous, warm and living was withering within me. + + + + +V. + +It was true to my father's character that he should have waited until the +day after graduation to discuss my future, if discussion be the proper +word. The next evening at supper he informed me that he wished to talk to +me in the sitting-room, whither I followed him with a sinking heart. He +seated himself at his desk, and sat for a moment gazing at me with a +curious and benumbing expression, and then the blow fell. + +"Hugh, I have spoken to your Cousin Robert Breck about you, and he has +kindly consented to give you a trial." + +"To give me a trial, sir!" I exclaimed. + +"To employ you at a small but reasonable salary." + +I could find no words to express my dismay. My dreams had come to this, +that I was to be made a clerk in a grocery store! The fact that it was a +wholesale grocery store was little consolation. + +"But father," I faltered, "I don't want to go into business." + +"Ah!" The sharpness of the exclamation might have betrayed to me the pain +in which he was, but he recovered himself instantly. And I could see +nothing but an inexorable justice closing in on me mechanically; a blind +justice, in its inability to read my soul. "The time to have decided +that," he declared, "was some years ago, my son. I have given you the +best schooling a boy can have, and you have not shown the least +appreciation of your advantages. I do not enjoy saying this, Hugh, but in +spite of all my efforts and of those of your mother, you have remained +undeveloped and irresponsible. My hope, as you know, was to have made you +a professional man, a lawyer, and to take you into my office. My father +and grandfather were professional men before me. But you are wholly +lacking in ambition." + +And I had burned with it all my life! + +"I have ambition," I cried, the tears forcing themselves to my eyes. + +"Ambition--for what, my son?" + +I hesitated. How could I tell him that my longings to do something, to be +somebody in the world were never more keen than at that moment? Matthew +Arnold had not then written his definition of God as the stream of +tendency by which we fulfil the laws of our being; and my father, at any +rate, would not have acquiesced in the definition. Dimly but passionately +I felt then, as I had always felt, that I had a mission to perform, a +service to do which ultimately would be revealed to me. But the +hopelessness of explaining this took on, now, the proportions of a +tragedy. And I could only gaze at him. + +"What kind of ambition, Hugh?" he repeated sadly. + +"I--I have sometimes thought I could write, sir, if I had a chance. I +like it better than anything else. I--I have tried it. And if I could +only go to college--" + +"Literature!" There was in his voice a scandalized note. + +"Why not, father?" I asked weakly. + +And now it was he who, for the first time, seemed to be at a loss to +express himself. He turned in his chair, and with a sweep of the hand +indicated the long rows of musty-backed volumes. "Here," he said, "you +have had at your disposal as well-assorted a small library as the city +contains, and you have not availed yourself of it. Yet you talk to me of +literature as a profession. I am afraid, Hugh, that this is merely +another indication of your desire to shun hard work, and I must tell you +frankly that I fail to see in you the least qualification for such a +career. You have not even inherited my taste for books. I venture to say, +for instance, that you have never even read a paragraph of Plutarch, and +yet when I was your age I was completely familiar with the Lives. You +will not read Scott or Dickens." + +The impeachment was not to be denied, for the classics were hateful to +me. Naturally I was afraid to make such a damning admission. My father +had succeeded in presenting my ambition as the height of absurdity and +presumption, and with something of the despair of a shipwrecked mariner +my eyes rested on the green expanses of those book-backs, Bohn's Standard +Library! Nor did it occur to him or to me that one might be great in +literature without having read so much as a gritty page of them.... + +He finished his argument by reminding me that worthless persons sought to +enter the arts in the search for a fool's paradise, and in order to +satisfy a reprehensible craving for notoriety. The implication was clear, +that imaginative production could not be classed as hard work. And he +assured me that literature was a profession in which no one could afford +to be second class. A Longfellow, a Harriet Beecher Stowe, or nothing. +This was a practical age and a practical country. We had indeed produced +Irvings and Hawthornes, but the future of American letters was, to say +the least, problematical. We were a utilitarian people who would never +create a great literature, and he reminded me that the days of the +romantic and the picturesque had passed. He gathered that I desired to be +a novelist. Well, novelists, with certain exceptions, were fantastic +fellows who blew iridescent soap-bubbles and who had no morals. In the +face of such a philosophy as his I was mute. The world appeared a dreary +place of musty offices and smoky steel-works, of coal dust, of labour +without a spark of inspiration. And that other, the world of my dreams, +simply did not exist. + +Incidentally my father had condemned Cousin Robert's wholesale grocery +business as a refuge of the lesser of intellect that could not achieve +the professions,--an inference not calculated to stir my ambition and +liking for it at the start. + +I began my business career on the following Monday morning. At breakfast, +held earlier than usual on my account, my mother's sympathy was the more +eloquent for being unspoken, while my father wore an air of unwonted +cheerfulness; charging me, when I departed, to give his kindest +remembrances to my Cousin Robert Breck. With a sense of martyrdom somehow +deepened by this attitude of my parents I boarded a horse-car and went +down town. Early though it was, the narrow streets of the wholesale +district reverberated with the rattle of trucks and echoed with the +shouts of drivers. The day promised to be scorching. At the door of the +warehouse of Breck and Company I was greeted by the ineffable smell of +groceries in which the suggestion of parched coffee prevailed. This is +the sharpest remembrance of all, and even to-day that odour affects me +somewhat in the manner that the interior of a ship affects a person prone +to seasickness. My Cousin Robert, in his well-worn alpaca coat, was +already seated at his desk behind the clouded glass partition next the +alley at the back of the store, and as I entered he gazed at me over his +steel-rimmed spectacles with that same disturbing look of clairvoyance I +have already mentioned as one of his characteristics. The grey eyes were +quizzical, and yet seemed to express a little commiseration. + +"Well, Hugh, you've decided to honour us, have you?" he asked. + +"I'm much obliged for giving me the place, Cousin Robert," I replied. + +But he had no use for that sort of politeness, and he saw through me, as +always. + +"So you're not too tony for the grocery business, eh?" + +"Oh, no, sir." + +"It was good enough for old Benjamin Breck," he said. "Well, I'll give +you a fair trial, my boy, and no favouritism on account of relationship, +any more than to Willie." + +His strong voice resounded through the store, and presently my cousin +Willie appeared in answer to his summons, the same Willie who used to +lead me, on mischief bent, through the barns and woods and fields of +Claremore. He was barefoot no longer, though freckled still, grown lanky +and tall; he wore a coarse blue apron that fell below his knees, and a +pencil was stuck behind his ear. + +"Get an apron for Hugh," said his father. + +Willie's grin grew wider. + +"I'll fit him out," he said. + +"Start him in the shipping department," directed Cousin Robert, and +turned to his letters. + +I was forthwith provided with an apron, and introduced to the slim and +anaemic but cheerful Johnny Hedges, the shipping clerk, hard at work in +the alley. Secretly I looked down on my fellow-clerks, as one destined +for a higher mission, made out of better stuff,--finer stuff. Despite my +attempt to hide this sense of superiority they were swift to discover it; +and perhaps it is to my credit as well as theirs that they did not resent +it. Curiously enough, they seemed to acknowledge it. Before the week was +out I had earned the nickname of Beau Brummel. + +"Say, Beau," Johnny Hedges would ask, when I appeared of a morning, "what +happened in the great world last night?" + +I had an affection for them, these fellow-clerks, and I often wondered at +their contentment with the drab lives they led, at their +self-congratulation for "having a job" at Breck and Company's. + +"You don't mean to say you like this kind of work?" I exclaimed one day +to Johnny Hedges, as we sat on barrels of XXXX flour looking out at the +hot sunlight in the alley. + +"It ain't a question of liking it, Beau," he rebuked me. "It's all very +well for you to talk, since your father's a millionaire" (a fiction so +firmly embedded in their heads that no amount of denial affected it), +"but what do you think would happen to me if I was fired? I couldn't go +home and take it easy--you bet not. I just want to shake hands with +myself when I think that I've got a home, and a job like this. I know a +feller--a hard worker he was, too who walked the pavements for three +months when the Colvers failed, and couldn't get nothing, and took to +drink, and the last I heard of him he was sleeping in police stations and +walking the ties, and his wife's a waitress at a cheap hotel. Don't you +think it's easy to get a job." + +I was momentarily sobered by the earnestness with which he brought home +to me the relentlessness of our civilization. It seemed incredible. I +should have learned a lesson in that store. Barring a few discordant days +when the orders came in too fast or when we were short handed because of +sickness, it was a veritable hive of happiness; morning after morning +clerks and porters arrived, pale, yet smiling, and laboured with +cheerfulness from eight o'clock until six, and departed as cheerfully for +modest homes in obscure neighbourhoods that seemed to me areas of exile. +They were troubled with no visions of better things. When the travelling +men came in from the "road" there was great hilarity. Important +personages, these, looked up to by the city clerks; jolly, reckless, +Elizabethan-like rovers, who had tasted of the wine of liberty--and of +other wines with the ineradicable lust for the road in their blood. No +more routine for Jimmy Bowles, who was king of them all. I shudder to +think how much of my knowledge of life I owe to this Jimmy, whose stories +would have filled a quarto volume, but could on no account have been +published; for a self-respecting post-office would not have allowed them +to pass through the mails. As it was, Jimmy gave them circulation enough. +I can still see his round face, with the nose just indicated, his wicked, +twinkling little eyes, and I can hear his husky voice fall to a whisper +when "the boss" passed through the store. Jimmy, when visiting us, always +had a group around him. His audacity with women amazed me, for he never +passed one of the "lady clerks" without some form of caress, which they +resented but invariably laughed at. One day he imparted to me his code of +morality: he never made love to another man's wife, so he assured me, if +he knew the man! The secret of life he had discovered in laughter, and by +laughter he sold quantities of Cousin Robert's groceries. + +Mr. Bowles boasted of a catholic acquaintance in all the cities of his +district, but before venturing forth to conquer these he had learned his +own city by heart. My Cousin Robert was not aware of the fact that Mr. +Bowles "showed" the town to certain customers. He even desired to show it +to me, but an epicurean strain in my nature held me back. Johnny Hedges +went with him occasionally, and Henry Schneider, the bill clerk, and I +listened eagerly to their experiences, afterwards confiding them to +Tom.... + +There were times when, driven by an overwhelming curiosity, I ventured +into certain strange streets, alone, shivering with cold and excitement, +gripped by a fascination I did not comprehend, my eyes now averted, now +irresistibly raised toward the white streaks of light that outlined the +windows of dark houses.... + +One winter evening as I was going home, I encountered at the mail-box a +young woman who shot at me a queer, twisted smile. I stood still, as +though stunned, looking after her, and when halfway across the slushy +street she turned and smiled again. Prodigiously excited, I followed her, +fearful that I might be seen by someone who knew me, nor was it until she +reached an unfamiliar street that I ventured to overtake her. She +confounded me by facing me. + +"Get out!" she cried fiercely. + +I halted in my tracks, overwhelmed with shame. But she continued to +regard me by the light of the street lamp. + +"You didn't want to be seen with me on Second Street, did you? You're one +of those sneaking swells." + +The shock of this sudden onslaught was tremendous. I stood frozen to the +spot, trembling, convicted, for I knew that her accusation was just; I +had wounded her, and I had a desire to make amends. + +"I'm sorry," I faltered. "I didn't mean--to offend you. And you smiled--" +I got no farther. She began to laugh, and so loudly that I glanced +anxiously about. I would have fled, but something still held me, +something that belied the harshness of her laugh. + +"You're just a kid," she told me. "Say, you get along home, and tell your +mamma I sent you." + +Whereupon I departed in a state of humiliation and self-reproach I had +never before known, wandering about aimlessly for a long time. When at +length I arrived at home, late for supper, my mother's solicitude only +served to deepen my pain. She went to the kitchen herself to see if my +mince-pie were hot, and served me with her own hands. My father remained +at his place at the head of the table while I tried to eat, smiling +indulgently at her ministrations. + +"Oh, a little hard work won't hurt him, Sarah," he said. "When I was his +age I often worked until eleven o'clock and never felt the worse for it. +Business must be pretty good, eh, Hugh?" + +I had never seen him in a more relaxing mood, a more approving one. My +mother sat down beside me.... Words seem useless to express the +complicated nature of my suffering at that moment,--my remorse, my sense +of deception, of hypocrisy,--yes, and my terror. I tried to talk +naturally, to answer my father's questions about affairs at the store, +while all the time my eyes rested upon the objects of the room, familiar +since childhood. Here were warmth, love, and safety. Why could I not be +content with them, thankful for them? What was it in me that drove me +from these sheltering walls out into the dark places? I glanced at my +father. Had he ever known these wild, destroying desires? Oh, if I only +could have confided in him! The very idea of it was preposterous. Such +placidity as theirs would never understand the nature of my temptations, +and I pictured to myself their horror and despair at my revelation. In +imagination I beheld their figures receding while I drifted out to sea, +alone. Would the tide--which was somehow within me--carry me out and out, +in spite of all I could do? + + "Give me that man + That is not passion's slave, and I will wear him + In my heart's core...." + +I did not shirk my tasks at the store, although I never got over the +feeling that a fine instrument was being employed where a coarser one +would have done equally well. There were moments when I was almost +overcome by surges of self-commiseration and of impotent anger: for +instance, I was once driven out of a shop by an incensed German grocer +whom I had asked to settle a long-standing account. Yet the days passed, +the daily grind absorbed my energies, and when I was not collecting, or +tediously going over the stock in the dim recesses of the store, I was +running errands in the wholesale district, treading the burning brick of +the pavements, dodging heavy trucks and drays and perspiring clerks who +flew about with memorandum pads in their hands, or awaiting the pleasure +of bank tellers. Save Harvey, the venerable porter, I was the last to +leave the store in the evening, and I always came away with the taste on +my palate of Breck and Company's mail, it being my final duty to "lick" +the whole of it and deposit it in the box at the corner. The gum on the +envelopes tasted of winter-green. + +My Cousin Robert was somewhat astonished at my application. + +"We'll make a man of you yet, Hugh," he said to me once, when I had +performed a commission with unexpected despatch.... + +Business was his all-in-all, and he had an undisguised contempt for +higher education. To send a boy to college was, in his opinion, to run no +inconsiderable risk of ruining him. What did they amount to when they +came home, strutting like peacocks, full of fads and fancies, and much +too good to associate with decent, hard-working citizens? Nevertheless +when autumn came and my friends departed with eclat for the East, I was +desperate indeed! Even the contemplation of Robert Breck did not console +me, and yet here, in truth, was a life which might have served me as a +model. His store was his castle; and his reputation for integrity and +square dealing as wide as the city. Often I used to watch him with a +certain envy as he stood in the doorway, his hands in his pockets, and +greeted fellow-merchant and banker with his genuine and dignified +directness. This man was his own master. They all called him "Robert," +and they made it clear by their manner that they knew they were +addressing one who fulfilled his obligations and asked no favours. + +Crusty old Nathaniel Durrett once declared that when you bought a bill of +goods from Robert Breck you did not have to check up the invoice or +employ a chemist. Here was a character to mould upon. If my ambition +could but have been bounded by Breck and Company, I, too, might have come +to stand in that doorway content with a tribute that was greater than +Caesar's. + +I had been dreading the Christmas holidays, which were indeed to be no +holidays for me. And when at length they arrived they brought with them +from the East certain heroes fashionably clad, citizens now of a larger +world than mine. These former companions had become superior beings, they +could not help showing it, and their presence destroyed the Balance of +Things. For alas, I had not wholly abjured the feminine sex after all! +And from being a somewhat important factor in the lives of Ruth Hollister +and other young women I suddenly became of no account. New interests, new +rivalries and loyalties had arisen in which I had no share; I must +perforce busy myself with invoices of flour and coffee and canned fruits +while sleigh rides and coasting and skating expeditions to Blackstone +Lake followed one another day after day,--for the irony of circumstances +had decreed a winter uncommonly cold. There were evening parties, too, +where I felt like an alien, though my friends were guilty of no conscious +neglect; and had I been able to accept the situation simply, I should not +have suffered. + +The principal event of those holidays was a play given in the old +Hambleton house (which later became the Boyne Club), under the direction +of the lively and talented Mrs. Watling. I was invited, indeed, to +participate; but even if I had had the desire I could not have done so, +since the rehearsals were carried on in the daytime. Nancy was the +leading lady. I have neglected to mention that she too had been away +almost continuously since our misunderstanding, for the summer in the +mountains,--a sojourn recommended for her mother's health; and in the +autumn she had somewhat abruptly decided to go East to boarding-school at +Farmington. During the brief months of her absence she had marvellously +acquired maturity and aplomb, a worldliness of manner and a certain +frivolity that seemed to put those who surrounded her on a lower plane. +She was only seventeen, yet she seemed the woman of thirty whose role she +played. First there were murmurs, then sustained applause. I scarcely +recognized her: she had taken wings and soared far above me, suggesting a +sphere of power and luxury hitherto unimagined and beyond the scope of +the world to which I belonged. + +Her triumph was genuine. When the play was over she was immediately +surrounded by enthusiastic admirers eager to congratulate her, to dance +with her. I too would have gone forward, but a sense of inadequacy, of +unimportance, of an inability to cope with her, held me back, and from a +corner I watched her sweeping around the room, holding up her train, and +leaning on the arm of Bob Lansing, a classmate whom Ralph had brought +home from Harvard. Then it was Ralph's turn: that affair seemed still to +be going on. My feelings were a strange medley of despondency and +stimulation.... + +Our eyes met. Her partner now was Ham Durrett. Capriciously releasing +him, she stood before me, + +"Hugh, you haven't asked me to dance, or even told me what you thought of +the play." + +"I thought it was splendid," I said lamely. + +Because she refrained from replying I was farther than ever from +understanding her. How was I to divine what she felt? or whether any +longer she felt at all? Here, in this costume of a woman of the world, +with the string of pearls at her neck to give her the final touch of +brilliancy, was a strange, new creature who baffled and silenced me.... +We had not gone halfway across the room when she halted abruptly. + +"I'm tired," she exclaimed. "I don't feel like dancing just now," and led +the way to the big, rose punch-bowl, one of the Durretts' most cherished +possessions. Glancing up at me over the glass of lemonade I had given her +she went on: "Why haven't you been to see me since I came home? I've +wanted to talk to you, to hear how you are getting along." + +Was she trying to make amends, or reminding me in this subtle way of the +cause of our quarrel? What I was aware of as I looked at her was an +attitude, a vantage point apparently gained by contact with that +mysterious outer world which thus vicariously had laid its spell on me; I +was tremendously struck by the thought that to achieve this attitude +meant emancipation, invulnerability against the aches and pains which +otherwise our fellow-beings had the power to give us; mastery over +life,--the ability to choose calmly, as from a height, what were best for +one's self, untroubled by loves and hates. Untroubled by loves and hates! +At that very moment, paradoxically, I loved her madly, but with a love +not of the old quality, a love that demanded a vantage point of its own. +Even though she had made an advance--and some elusiveness in her manner +led me to doubt it I could not go to her now. I must go as a +conqueror,--a conqueror in the lists she herself had chosen, where the +prize is power. + +"Oh, I'm getting along pretty well," I said. "At any rate, they don't +complain of me." + +"Somehow," she ventured, "somehow it's hard to think of you as a business +man." + +I took this for a reference to the boast I had made that I would go to +college. + +"Business isn't so bad as it might be," I assured her. + +"I think a man ought to go away to college," she declared, in what seemed +another tone. "He makes friends, learns certain things,--it gives him +finish. We are very provincial here." + +Provincial! I did not stop to reflect how recently she must have acquired +the word; it summed up precisely the self-estimate at which I had +arrived. The sting went deep. Before I could think of an effective reply +Nancy was being carried off by the young man from the East, who was +clearly infatuated. He was not provincial. She smiled back at me brightly +over his shoulder.... In that instant were fused in one resolution all +the discordant elements within me of aspiration and discontent. It was +not so much that I would show Nancy what I intended to do--I would show +myself; and I felt a sudden elation, and accession of power that enabled +me momentarily to despise the puppets with whom she danced.... From this +mood I was awakened with a start to feel a hand on my shoulder, and I +turned to confront her father, McAlery Willett; a gregarious, easygoing, +pleasure-loving gentleman who made only a pretence of business, having +inherited an ample fortune from his father, unique among his generation +in our city in that he paid some attention to fashion in his dress; good +living was already beginning to affect his figure. His mellow voice had a +way of breaking an octave. + +"Don't worry, my boy," he said. "You stick to business. These college +fellows are cocks of the walk just now, but some day you'll be able to +snap your fingers at all of 'em." + +The next day was dark, overcast, smoky, damp-the soft, unwholesome +dampness that follows a spell of hard frost. I spent the morning and +afternoon on the gloomy third floor of Breck and Company, making a list +of the stock. I remember the place as though I had just stepped out of +it, the freight elevator at the back, the dusty, iron columns, the +continuous piles of cases and bags and barrels with narrow aisles between +them; the dirty windows, spotted and soot-streaked, that looked down on +Second Street. I was determined now to escape from all this, and I had my +plan in mind. + +No sooner had I swallowed my supper that evening than I set out at a +swift pace for a modest residence district ten blocks away, coming to a +little frame house set back in a yard,--one of those houses in which the +ringing of the front door-bell produces the greatest commotion; +children's voices were excitedly raised and then hushed. After a brief +silence the door was opened by a pleasant-faced, brown-bearded man, who +stood staring at me in surprise. His hair was rumpled, he wore an old +house coat with a hole in the elbow, and with one finger he kept his +place in the book which he held in his hand. + +"Hugh Paret!" he exclaimed. + +He ushered me into a little parlour lighted by two lamps, that bore every +evidence of having been recently vacated. Its features somehow bespoke a +struggle for existence; as though its occupants had worried much and +loved much. It was a room best described by the word "home"--home made +more precious by a certain precariousness. Toys and school-books strewed +the floor, a sewing-bag and apron lay across the sofa, and in one corner +was a roll-topped desk of varnished oak. The seats of the chairs were +comfortably depressed. + +So this was where Mr. Wood lived! Mr. Wood, instructor in Latin and Greek +at Densmore Academy. It was now borne in on me for the first time that he +did live and have his ties like any other human being, instead of just +appearing magically from nowhere on a platform in a chalky room at nine +every morning, to vanish again in the afternoon. I had formerly stood in +awe of his presence. But now I was suddenly possessed by an +embarrassment, and (shall I say it?) by a commiseration bordering on +contempt for a man who would consent to live thus for the sake of being a +schoolteacher. How strange that civilization should set such a high value +on education and treat its functionaries with such neglect! + +Mr. Wood's surprise at seeing me was genuine. For I had never shown a +particular interest in him, nor in the knowledge which he strove to +impart. + +"I thought you had forgotten me, Hugh," he said, and added whimsically: +"most boys do, when they graduate." + +I felt the reproach, which made it the more difficult for me to state my +errand. + +"I knew you sometimes took pupils in the evening, Mr. Wood." + +"Pupils,--yes," he replied, still eyeing me. Suddenly his eyes twinkled. +He had indeed no reason to suspect me of thirsting for learning. "But I +was under the impression that you had gone into business, Hugh." + +"The fact is, sir," I explained somewhat painfully, "that I am not +satisfied with business. I feel--as if I ought to know more. And I came +to see if you would give me lessons about three nights a week, because I +want to take the Harvard examinations next summer." + +Thus I made it appear, and so persuaded myself, that my ambition had been +prompted by a craving for knowledge. As soon as he could recover himself +he reminded me that he had on many occasions declared I had a brain. + +"Your father must be very happy over this decision of yours," he said. + +That was the point, I told him. It was to be a surprise for my father; I +was to take the examinations first, and inform him afterwards. + +To my intense relief, Mr. Wood found the scheme wholly laudable, and +entered into it with zest. He produced examinations of preceding years +from a pigeonhole in his desk, and inside of half an hour the arrangement +was made, the price of the lessons settled. They were well within my +salary, which recently had been raised.... + +When I went down town, or collecting bills for Breck and Company, I took +a text-book along with me in the street-cars. Now at last I had behind my +studies a driving force. Algebra, Latin, Greek and history became worth +while, means to an end. I astonished Mr. Wood; and sometimes he would +tilt back his chair, take off his spectacles and pull his beard. + +"Why in the name of all the sages," he would demand, "couldn't you have +done this well at school? You might have led your class, instead of Ralph +Hambleton." + +I grew very fond of Mr. Wood, and even of his thin little wife, who +occasionally flitted into the room after we had finished. I fully +intended to keep up with them in after life, but I never did. I forgot +them completely.... + +My parents were not wholly easy in their minds concerning me; they were +bewildered by the new aspect I presented. For my lately acquired motive +was strong enough to compel me to restrict myself socially, and the +evenings I spent at home were given to study, usually in my own room. +Once I was caught with a Latin grammar: I was just "looking over it," I +said. My mother sighed. I knew what was in her mind; she had always been +secretly disappointed that I had not been sent to college. And presently, +when my father went out to attend a trustee's meeting, the impulse to +confide in her almost overcame me; I loved her with that affection which +goes out to those whom we feel understand us, but I was learning to +restrain my feelings. She looked at me wistfully.... I knew that she +would insist on telling my father, and thus possibly frustrate my plans. +That I was not discovered was due to a certain quixotic twist in my +father's character. I was working now, and though not actually earning my +own living, he no longer felt justified in prying into my affairs. + +When June arrived, however, my tutor began to show signs that his +conscience was troubling him, and one night he delivered his ultimatum. +The joke had gone far enough, he implied. My intentions, indeed, he found +praiseworthy, but in his opinion it was high time that my father were +informed of them; he was determined to call at my father's office. + +The next morning was blue with the presage of showers; blue, too, with +the presage of fate. An interminable morning. My tasks had become utterly +distasteful. And in the afternoon, so when I sat down to make out +invoices, I wrote automatically the names of the familiar customers, my +mind now exalted by hope, now depressed by anxiety. The result of an +interview perhaps even now going on would determine whether or no I +should be immediately released from a slavery I detested. Would Mr. Wood +persuade my father? If not, I was prepared to take more desperate +measures; remain in the grocery business I would not. In the evening, as +I hurried homeward from the corner where the Boyne Street car had dropped +me, I halted suddenly in front of the Peters house, absorbing the scene +where my childhood had been spent: each of these spreading maples was an +old friend, and in these yards I had played and dreamed. An unaccountable +sadness passed over me as I walked on toward our gate; I entered it, +gained the doorway of the house and went upstairs, glancing into the +sitting room. My mother sat by the window, sewing. She looked up at me +with an ineffable expression, in which I read a trace of tears. + +"Hugh!" she exclaimed. + +I felt very uncomfortable, and stood looking down at her. + +"Why didn't you tell us, my son?" In her voice was in truth reproach; yet +mingled with that was another note, which I think was pride. + +"What has father said?" I asked. + +"Oh, my dear, he will tell you himself. I--I don't know--he will talk to +you." + +Suddenly she seized my hands and drew me down to her, and then held me +away, gazing into my face with a passionate questioning, her lips +smiling, her eyes wet. What did she see? Was there a subtler relationship +between our natures than I guessed? Did she understand by some +instinctive power the riddle within me? divine through love the force +that was driving me on she knew not whither, nor I? At the sound of my +father's step in the hall she released me. He came in as though nothing +had happened. + +"Well, Hugh, are you home?" he said.... + +Never had I been more impressed, more bewildered by his self-command than +at that time. Save for the fact that my mother talked less than usual, +supper passed as though nothing had happened. Whether I had shaken him, +disappointed him, or gained his reluctant approval I could not tell. +Gradually his outward calmness turned my suspense to irritation.... + +But when at length we were alone together, I gained a certain +reassurance. His manner was not severe. He hesitated a little before +beginning. + +"I must confess, Hugh; that I scarcely know what to say about this +proceeding of yours. The thing that strikes me most forcibly is that you +might have confided in your mother and myself." + +Hope flashed up within me, like an explosion. + +"I--I wanted to surprise you, father. And then, you see, I thought it +would be wiser to find out first how well I was likely to do at the +examinations." + +My father looked at me. Unfortunately he possessed neither a sense of +humour nor a sense of tragedy sufficient to meet such a situation. For +the first time in my life I beheld him at a disadvantage; for I had, +somehow, managed at length to force him out of position, and he was +puzzled. I was quick to play my trump card. + +"I have been thinking it over carefully," I told him, "and I have made up +my mind that I want to go into the law." + +"The law!" he exclaimed sharply. + +"Why, yes, sir. I know that you were disappointed because I did not do +sufficiently well at school to go to college and study for the bar." + +I felt indeed a momentary pang, but I remembered that I was fighting for +my freedom. + +"You seemed satisfied where you were," he said in a puzzled voice, "and +your Cousin Robert gives a good account of you." + +"I've tried to do the work as well as I could, sir," I replied. "But I +don't like the grocery business, or any other business. I have a feeling +that I'm not made for it." + +"And you think, now, that you are made for the law?" he asked, with the +faint hint of a smile. + +"Yes, sir, I believe I could succeed at it. I'd like to try," I replied +modestly. + +"You've given up the idiotic notion of wishing to be an author?" + +I implied that he himself had convinced me of the futility of such a +wish. I listened to his next words as in a dream. + +"I must confess to you, Hugh, that there are times when I fail to +understand you. I hope it is as you say, that you have arrived at a +settled conviction as to your future, and that this is not another of +those caprices to which you have been subject, nor a desire to shirk +honest work. Mr. Wood has made out a strong case for you, and I have +therefore determined to give you a trial. If you pass the examinations +with credit, you may go to college, but if at any time you fail to make +good progress, you come home, and go into business again. Is that +thoroughly understood?" + +I said it was, and thanked him effusively.... I had escaped,--the prison +doors had flown open. But it is written that every happiness has its +sting; and my joy, intense though it was, had in it a core of remorse.... + +I went downstairs to my mother, who was sitting in the hall by the open +door. + +"Father says I may go!" I said. + +She got up and took me in her arms. + +"My dear, I am so glad, although we shall miss you dreadfully.... Hugh?" + +"Yes, mother." + +"Oh, Hugh, I so want you to be a good man!" + +Her cry was a little incoherent, but fraught with a meaning that came +home to me, in spite of myself.... + +A while later I ran over to announce to the amazed Tom Peters that I was +actually going to Harvard with him. He stood in the half-lighted hallway, +his hands in his pockets, blinking at me. + +"Hugh, you're a wonder!" he cried. "How in Jehoshaphat did you work +it?"... + +I lay long awake that night thinking over the momentous change so soon to +come into my life, wondering exultantly what Nancy Willett would say now. +I was not one, at any rate, to be despised or neglected. + + + + +VI. + +The following September Tom Peters and I went East together. In the early +morning Boston broke on us like a Mecca as we rolled out of the old +Albany station, joint lords of a "herdic." How sharply the smell of the +salt-laden east wind and its penetrating coolness come back to me! I seek +in vain for words to express the exhilarating effect of that briny +coolness on my imagination, and of the visions it summoned up of the +newer, larger life into which I had marvellously been transported. We +alighted at the Parker House, full-fledged men of the world, and tried to +act as though the breakfast of which we partook were merely an incident, +not an Event; as though we were Seniors, and not freshmen, assuming an +indifference to the beings by whom we were surrounded and who were +breakfasting, too,--although the nice-looking ones with fresh faces and +trim clothes were all undoubtedly Olympians. The better to proclaim our +nonchalance, we seated ourselves on a lounge of the marble-paved lobby +and smoked cigarettes. This was liberty indeed! At length we departed for +Cambridge, in another herdic. + +Boston! Could it be possible? Everything was so different here as to give +the place the aspect of a dream: the Bulfinch State House, the decorous +shops, the still more decorous dwellings with the purple-paned windows +facing the Common; Back Bay, still boarded up, ivy-spread, suggestive of +a mysterious and delectable existence. We crossed the Charles River, +blue-grey and still that morning; traversed a nondescript district, and +at last found ourselves gazing out of the windows at the mellowed, +plum-coloured bricks of the University buildings.... All at once our +exhilaration evaporated as the herdic rumbled into a side street and +backed up before the door of a not-too-inviting, three-storied house with +a queer extension on top. Its steps and vestibule were, however, +immaculate. The bell was answered by a plainly overworked servant girl, +of whom we inquired for Mrs. Bolton, our landlady. There followed a +period of waiting in a parlour from which the light had been almost +wholly banished, with slippery horsehair furniture and a marble-topped +table; and Mrs. Bolton, when she appeared, dressed in rusty black, +harmonized perfectly with the funereal gloom. She was a tall, rawboned, +severe lady with a peculiar red-mottled complexion that somehow reminded +one of the outcropping rocks of her native New England soil. + +"You want to see your rooms, I suppose," she remarked impassively when we +had introduced ourselves, and as we mounted the stairs behind her Tom, in +a whisper, nicknamed her "Granite Face." Presently she left us. + +"Hospitable soul!" said Tom, who, with his hands in his pockets, was +gazing at the bare walls of our sitting-room. "We'll have to go into the +house-furnishing business, Hughie. I vote we don't linger here +to-day--we'll get melancholia." + +Outside, however, the sun was shining brightly, and we departed +immediately to explore Cambridge and announce our important presences to +the proper authorities.... We went into Boston to dine.... It was not +until nine o'clock in the evening that we returned and the bottom +suddenly dropped out of things. He who has tasted that first, acute +homesickness of college will know what I mean. It usually comes at the +opening of one's trunk. The sight of the top tray gave me a pang I shall +never forget. I would not have believed that I loved my mother so much! +These articles had been packed by her hands; and in one corner, among the +underclothes on which she had neatly sewed my initials, lay the new Bible +she had bought. "Hugh Moreton Paret, from his Mother. September, 1881." I +took it up (Tom was not looking) and tried to read a passage, but my eyes +were blurred. What was it within me that pressed and pressed until I +thought I could bear the pain of it no longer? I pictured the +sitting-room at home, and my father and mother there, thinking of me. +Yes, I must acknowledge it; in the bitterness of that moment I longed to +be back once more in the railed-off space on the floor of Breck and +Company, writing invoices.... + +Presently, as we went on silently with our unpacking, we became aware of +someone in the doorway. + +"Hello, you fellows!" he cried. "We're classmates, I guess." + +We turned to behold an ungainly young man in an ill-fitting blue suit. +His face was pimply, his eyes a Teutonic blue, his yellow hair rumpled, +his naturally large mouth was made larger by a friendly grin. + +"I'm Hermann Krebs," he announced simply. "Who are you?" + +We replied, I regret to say, with a distinct coolness that did not seem +to bother him in the least. He advanced into the room, holding out a +large, red, and serviceable hand, evidently it had never dawned on him +that there was such a thing in the world as snobbery. But Tom and I had +been "coached" by Ralph Hambleton and Perry Blackwood, warned to be +careful of our friendships. There was a Reason! In any case Mr. Krebs +would not have appealed to us. In answer to a second question he was +informed what city we hailed from, and he proclaimed himself likewise a +native of our state. + +"Why, I'm from Elkington!" he exclaimed, as though the fact sealed our +future relationships. He seated himself on Tom's trunk and added: +"Welcome to old Harvard!" + +We felt that he was scarcely qualified to speak for "old Harvard," but we +did not say so. + +"You look as if you'd been pall-bearers for somebody," was his next +observation. + +To this there seemed no possible reply. + +"You fellows are pretty well fixed here," he went on, undismayed, gazing +about a room which had seemed to us the abomination of desolation. "Your +folks must be rich. I'm up under the skylight." + +Even this failed to touch us. His father--he told us with undiminished +candour--had been a German emigrant who had come over in '49, after the +cause of liberty had been lost in the old country, and made eye-glasses +and opera glasses. There hadn't been a fortune in it. He, Hermann, had +worked at various occupations in the summer time, from peddling to +farming, until he had saved enough to start him at Harvard. Tom, who had +been bending over his bureau drawer, straightened up. + +"What did you want to come here for?" he demanded. + +"Say, what did you?" Mr. Krebs retorted genially. "To get an education, +of course." + +"An education!" echoed Tom. + +"Isn't Harvard the oldest and best seat of learning in America?" There +was an exaltation in Krebs's voice that arrested my attention, and made +me look at him again. A troubled chord had been struck within me. + +"Sure," said Tom. + +"What did you come for?" Mr. Krebs persisted. + +"To sow my wild oats," said Tom. "I expect to have something of a crop, +too." + +For some reason I could not fathom, it suddenly seemed to dawn on Mr. +Krebs, as a result of this statement, that he wasn't wanted. + +"Well, so long," he said, with a new dignity that curiously belied the +informality of his farewell. + +An interval of silence followed his departure. + +"Well, he's got a crust!" said Tom, at last. + +My own feeling about Mr. Krebs had become more complicated; but I took my +cue from Tom, who dealt with situations simply. + +"He'll come in for a few knockouts," he declared. "Here's to old Harvard, +the greatest institution of learning in America! Oh, gee!" + +Our visitor, at least, made us temporarily forget our homesickness, but +it returned with redoubled intensity when we had put out the lights and +gone to bed. + +Before we had left home it had been mildly hinted to us by Ralph and +Perry Blackwood that scholarly eminence was not absolutely necessary to +one's welfare and happiness at Cambridge. The hint had been somewhat +superfluous; but the question remained, what was necessary? With a view +of getting some light on this delicate subject we paid a visit the next +evening to our former friends and schoolmates, whose advice was conveyed +with a masterly circumlocution that impressed us both. There are some +things that may not be discussed directly, and the conduct of life at a +modern university--which is a reflection of life in the greater world--is +one of these. Perry Blackwood and Ham did most of the talking, while +Ralph, characteristically, lay at full length on the window-seat, +interrupting with an occasional terse and cynical remark very much to the +point. As a sophomore, he in particular seemed lifted immeasurably above +us, for he was--as might have been expected already a marked man in his +class. The rooms which he shared with his cousin made a tremendous +impression on Tom and me, and seemed palatial in comparison to our +quarters at Mrs. Bolton's, eloquent of the freedom and luxury of +undergraduate existence; their note, perhaps, was struck by the profusion +of gay sofa pillows, then something of an innovation. The heavy, +expensive furniture was of a pattern new to me; and on the mantel were +three or four photographs of ladies in the alluring costume of the +musical stage, in which Tom evinced a particular interest. + +"Did grandfather send 'em?" he inquired. + +"They're Ham's," said Ralph, and he contrived somehow to get into those +two words an epitome of his cousin's character. Ham was stouter, and his +clothes were more striking, more obviously expensive than ever.... On our +way homeward, after we had walked a block or two in silence, Tom +exclaimed:--"Don't make friends with the friendless!--eh, Hughie? We knew +enough to begin all right, didn't we?"... + +Have I made us out a pair of deliberate, calculating snobs? Well, after +all it must be remembered that our bringing up had not been of sufficient +liberality to include the Krebses of this world. We did not, indeed, +spend much time in choosing and weighing those whom we should know and +those whom we should avoid; and before the first term of that Freshman +year was over Tom had become a favourite. He had the gift of making men +feel that he delighted in their society, that he wished for nothing +better than to sit for hours in their company, content to listen to the +arguments that raged about him. Once in a while he would make a droll +observation that was greeted with fits of laughter. He was always +referred to as "old Tom," or "good old Tom"; presently, when he began to +pick out chords on the banjo, it was discovered that he had a good tenor +voice, though he could not always be induced to sing.... Somewhat to the +jeopardy of the academic standard that my father expected me to sustain, +our rooms became a rendezvous for many clubable souls whose maudlin, +midnight attempts at harmony often set the cocks crowing. + + "Free from care and despair, + What care we? + 'Tis wine, 'tis wine + That makes the jollity." + +As a matter of truth, on these occasions it was more often beer; beer +transported thither in Tom's new valise,--given him by his mother,--and +stuffed with snow to keep the bottles cold. Sometimes Granite Face, +adorned in a sky-blue wrapper, would suddenly appear in the doorway to +declare that we were a disgrace to her respectable house: the university +authorities should be informed, etc., etc. Poor woman, we were +outrageously inconsiderate of her.... One evening as we came through the +hall we caught a glimpse in the dimly lighted parlour of a young man +holding a shy and pale little girl on his lap, Annie, Mrs. Bolton's +daughter: on the face of our landlady was an expression I had never seen +there, like a light. I should scarcely have known her. Tom and I paused +at the foot of the stairs. He clutched my arm. + +"Darned if it wasn't our friend Krebs!" he whispered. + +While I was by no means so popular as Tom, I got along fairly well. I had +escaped from provincialism, from the obscure purgatory of the wholesale +grocery business; new vistas, exciting and stimulating, had been opened +up; nor did I offend the sensibilities and prejudices of the new friends +I made, but gave a hearty consent to a code I found congenial. I +recognized in the social system of undergraduate life at Harvard a +reflection of that of a greater world where I hoped some day to shine; +yet my ambition did not prey upon me. Mere conformity, however, would not +have taken me very far in a sphere from which I, in common with many +others, desired not to be excluded.... One day, in an idle but inspired +moment, I paraphrased a song from "Pinafore," applying it to a college +embroglio, and the brief and lively vogue it enjoyed was sufficient to +indicate a future usefulness. I had "found myself." This was in the last +part of the freshman year, and later on I became a sort of amateur, class +poet-laureate. Many were the skits I composed, and Tom sang them.... + +During that freshman year we often encountered Hermann Krebs, whistling +merrily, on the stairs. + +"Got your themes done?" he would inquire cheerfully. + +And Tom would always mutter, when he was out of earshot: "He has got a +crust!" + +When I thought about Krebs at all,--and this was seldom indeed,--his +manifest happiness puzzled me. Our cool politeness did not seem to bother +him in the least; on the contrary, I got the impression that it amused +him. He seemed to have made no friends. And after that first evening, +memorable for its homesickness, he never ventured to repeat his visit to +us. + +One windy November day I spied his somewhat ludicrous figure striding +ahead of me, his trousers above his ankles. I was bundled up in a new +ulster,--of which I was secretly quite proud,--but he wore no overcoat at +all. + +"Well, how are you getting along?" I asked, as I overtook him. + +He made clear, as he turned, his surprise that I should have addressed +him at all, but immediately recovered himself. + +"Oh, fine," he responded. "I've had better luck than I expected. I'm +correspondent for two or three newspapers. I began by washing windows, +and doing odd jobs for the professors' wives." He laughed. "I guess that +doesn't strike you as good luck." + +He showed no resentment at my patronage, but a self-sufficiency that made +my sympathy seem superfluous, giving the impression of an inner harmony +and content that surprised me. + +"I needn't ask how you're getting along," he said.... + +At the end of the freshman year we abandoned Mrs. Bolton's for more +desirable quarters. + +I shall not go deeply into my college career, recalling only such +incidents as, seen in the retrospect, appear to have had significance. I +have mentioned my knack for song-writing; but it was not, I think, until +my junior year there was startlingly renewed in me my youthful desire to +write, to create something worth while, that had so long been dormant. + +The inspiration came from Alonzo Cheyne, instructor in English; a +remarkable teacher, in spite of the finicky mannerisms which Tom +imitated. And when, in reading aloud certain magnificent passages, he +forgot his affectations, he managed to arouse cravings I thought to have +deserted me forever. Was it possible, after all, that I had been right +and my father wrong? that I might yet be great in literature? + +A mere hint from Alonzo Cheyne was more highly prized by the grinds than +fulsome praise from another teacher. And to his credit it should be +recorded that the grinds were the only ones he treated with any +seriousness; he took pains to answer their questions; but towards the +rest of us, the Chosen, he showed a thinly veiled contempt. None so quick +as he to detect a simulated interest, or a wily effort to make him +ridiculous; and few tried this a second time, for he had a rapier-like +gift of repartee that transfixed the offender like a moth on a pin. He +had a way of eyeing me at times, his glasses in his hand, a queer smile +on his lips, as much as to imply that there was one at least among the +lost who was made for better things. Not that my work was poor, but I +knew that it might have been better. Out of his classes, however, beyond +the immediate, disturbing influence of his personality I would relapse +into indifference.... + +Returning one evening to our quarters, which were now in the "Yard," I +found Tom seated with a blank sheet before him, thrusting his hand +through his hair and biting the end of his penholder to a pulp. In his +muttering, which was mixed with the curious, stingless profanity of which +he was master, I caught the name of Cheyne, and I knew that he was facing +the crisis of a fortnightly theme. The subject assigned was a narrative +of some personal experience, and it was to be handed in on the morrow. My +own theme was already, written. + +"I've been holding down this chair for an hour, and I can't seem to think +of a thing." He rose to fling himself down on the lounge. "I wish I was +in Canada." + +"Why Canada?" + +"Trout fishing with Uncle Jake at that club of his where he took me last +summer." Tom gazed dreamily at the ceiling. "Whenever I have some darned +foolish theme like this to write I want to go fishing, and I want to go +like the devil. I'll get Uncle Jake to take you, too, next summer." + +"I wish you would." + +"Say, that's living all right, Hughie, up there among the tamaracks and +balsams!" And he began, for something like the thirtieth time, to relate +the adventures of the trip. + +As he talked, the idea presented itself to me with sudden fascination to +use this incident as the subject of Tom's theme; to write it for him, +from his point of view, imitating the droll style he would have had if he +had been able to write; for, when he was interested in any matter, his +oral narrative did not lack vividness. I began to ask him questions: what +were the trees like, for instance? How did the French-Canadian guides +talk? He had the gift of mimicry: aided by a partial knowledge of French +I wrote down a few sentences as they sounded. The canoe had upset and he +had come near drowning. I made him describe his sensations. + +"I'll write your theme for you," I exclaimed, when he had finished. + +"Gee, not about that!" + +"Why not? It's a personal experience." + +His gratitude was pathetic.... By this time I was so full of the subject +that it fairly clamoured for expression, and as I wrote the hours flew. +Once in a while I paused to ask him a question as he sat with his chair +tilted back and his feet on the table, reading a detective story. I +sketched in the scene with bold strokes; the desolate bois brule on the +mountain side, the polished crystal surface of the pool broken here and +there with the circles left by rising fish; I pictured Armand, the guide, +his pipe between his teeth, holding the canoe against the current; and I +seemed to smell the sharp tang of the balsams, to hear the roar of the +rapids below. Then came the sudden hooking of the big trout, habitant +oaths from Armand, bouleversement, wetness, darkness, confusion; a +half-strangled feeling, a brief glimpse of green things and sunlight, and +then strangulation, or what seemed like it; strangulation, the sense of +being picked up and hurled by a terrific force whither? a blinding +whiteness, in which it was impossible to breathe, one sharp, almost +unbearable pain, then another, then oblivion.... Finally, awakening, to +be confronted by a much worried Uncle Jake. + +By this time the detective story had fallen to the floor, and Tom was +huddled up in his chair, asleep. He arose obediently and wrapped a wet +towel around his head, and began to write. Once he paused long enough to +mutter:--"Yes, that's about it,--that's the way I felt!" and set to work +again, mechanically,--all the praise I got for what I deemed a literary +achievement of the highest order! At three o'clock, a.m., he finished, +pulled off his clothes automatically and tumbled into bed. I had no +desire for sleep. My brain was racing madly, like an engine without a +governor. I could write! I could write! I repeated the words over and +over to myself. All the complexities of my present life were blotted out, +and I beheld only the long, sweet vista of the career for which I was now +convinced that nature had intended me. My immediate fortunes became +unimportant, immaterial. No juice of the grape I had ever tasted made me +half so drunk.... With the morning, of course, came the reaction, and I +suffered the after sensations of an orgie, awaking to a world of +necessity, cold and grey and slushy, and necessity alone made me rise +from my bed. My experience of the night before might have taught me that +happiness lies in the trick of transforming necessity, but it did not. +The vision had faded,--temporarily, at least; and such was the +distraction of the succeeding days that the subject of the theme passed +from my mind.... + +One morning Tom was later than usual in getting home. I was writing a +letter when he came in, and did not notice him, yet I was vaguely aware +of his standing over me. When at last I looked up I gathered from his +expression that something serious had happened, so mournful was his face, +and yet so utterly ludicrous. + +"Say, Hugh, I'm in the deuce of a mess," he announced. + +"What's the matter?" I inquired. + +He sank down on the table with a groan. + +"It's Alonzo," he said. + +Then I remembered the theme. + +"What--what's he done?" I demanded. + +"He says I must become a writer. Think of it, me a writer! He says I'm a +young Shakespeare, that I've been lazy and hid my light under a bushel! +He says he knows now what I can do, and if I don't keep up the quality, +he'll know the reason why, and write a personal letter to my father. Oh, +hell!" + +In spite of his evident anguish, I was seized with a convulsive laughter. +Tom stood staring at me moodily. + +"You think it's funny,--don't you? I guess it is, but what's going to +become of me? That's what I want to know. I've been in trouble before, +but never in any like this. And who got me into it? You!" + +Here was gratitude! + +"You've got to go on writing 'em, now." His voice became desperately +pleading. "Say, Hugh, old man, you can temper 'em down--temper 'em down +gradually. And by the end of the year, let's say, they'll be about normal +again." + +He seemed actually shivering. + +"The end of the year!" I cried, the predicament striking me for the first +time in its fulness. "Say, you've got a crust!" + +"You'll do it, if I have to hold a gun over you," he announced grimly. + +Mingled with my anxiety, which was real, was an exultation that would not +down. Nevertheless, the idea of developing Tom into a Shakespeare,--Tom, +who had not the slightest desire to be one I was appalling, besides +having in it an element of useless self-sacrifice from which I recoiled. +On the other hand, if Alonzo should discover that I had written his +theme, there were penalties I did not care to dwell upon .... With such a +cloud hanging over me I passed a restless night. + +As luck would have it the very next evening in the level light under the +elms of the Square I beheld sauntering towards me a dapper figure which I +recognized as that of Mr. Cheyne himself. As I saluted him he gave me an +amused and most disconcerting glance; and when I was congratulating +myself that he had passed me he stopped. + +"Fine weather for March, Paret," he observed. + +"Yes, sir," I agreed in a strange voice. + +"By the way," he remarked, contemplating the bare branches above our +heads, "that was an excellent theme your roommate handed in. I had no +idea that he possessed such--such genius. Did you, by any chance, happen +to read it?" + +"Yes, sir,--I read it." + +"Weren't you surprised?" inquired Mr. Cheyne. + +"Well, yes, sir--that is--I mean to say he talks just like that, +sometimes--that is, when it's anything he cares about." + +"Indeed!" said Mr. Cheyne. "That's interesting, most interesting. In all +my experience, I do not remember a case in which a gift has been +developed so rapidly. I don't want to give the impression--ah that there +is no room for improvement, but the thing was very well done, for an +undergraduate. I must confess I never should have suspected it in Peters, +and it's most interesting what you say about his cleverness in +conversation." He twirled the head of his stick, apparently lost in +reflection. "I may be wrong," he went on presently, "I have an idea it is +you--" I must literally have jumped away from him. He paused a moment, +without apparently noticing my panic, "that it is you who have influenced +Peters." + +"Sir?" + +"I am wrong, then. Or is this merely commendable modesty on your part?" + +"Oh, no, sir." + +"Then my hypothesis falls to the ground. I had greatly hoped," he added +meaningly, "that you might be able to throw some light on this mystery." + +I was dumb. + +"Paret," he asked, "have you time to come over to my rooms for a few +minutes this evening?" + +"Certainly, sir." + +He gave me his number in Brattle Street.... + +Like one running in a nightmare and making no progress I made my way +home, only to learn from Hallam,--who lived on the same floor,--that Tom +had inconsiderately gone to Boston for the evening, with four other weary +spirits in search of relaxation! Avoiding our club table, I took what +little nourishment I could at a modest restaurant, and restlessly paced +the moonlit streets until eight o'clock, when I found myself in front of +one of those low-gabled colonial houses which, on less soul-shaking +occasions, had exercised a great charm on my imagination. My hand hung +for an instant over the bell.... I must have rung it violently, for there +appeared almost immediately an old lady in a lace cap, who greeted me +with gentle courtesy, and knocked at a little door with glistening +panels. The latch was lifted by Mr. Cheyne himself. + +"Come in, Paret," he said, in a tone that was unexpectedly hospitable. + +I have rarely seen a more inviting room. A wood fire burned brightly on +the brass andirons, flinging its glare on the big, white beam that +crossed the ceiling, and reddening the square panes of the windows in +their panelled recesses. Between these were rows of books,--attractive +books in chased bindings, red and blue; books that appealed to be taken +down and read. There was a table covered with reviews and magazines in +neat piles, and a lamp so shaded as to throw its light only on the white +blotter of the pad. Two easy chairs, covered with flowered chintz, were +ranged before the fire, in one of which I sank, much bewildered, upon +being urged to do so. + +I utterly failed to recognize "Alonzo" in this new atmosphere. And he +had, moreover, dropped the subtly sarcastic manner I was wont to +associate with him. + +"Jolly old house, isn't it?" he observed, as though I had casually +dropped in on him for a chat; and he stood, with his hands behind him +stretched to the blaze, looking down at me. "It was built by a certain +Colonel Draper, who fought at Louisburg, and afterwards fled to England +at the time of the Revolution. He couldn't stand the patriots, I'm not so +sure that I blame him, either. Are you interested in colonial things, Mr. +Paret?" + +I said I was. If the question had concerned Aztec relics my answer would +undoubtedly have been the same. And I watched him, dazedly, while he took +down a silver porringer from the shallow mantel shelf. + +"It's not a Revere," he said, in a slightly apologetic tone as though to +forestall a comment, "but it's rather good, I think. I picked it up at a +sale in Dorchester. But I have never been able to identify the coat of +arms." + +He showed me a ladle, with the names of "Patience and William Simpson" +engraved quaintly thereon, and took down other articles in which I +managed to feign an interest. Finally he seated himself in the chair +opposite, crossed his feet, putting the tips of his fingers together and +gazing into the fire. + +"So you thought you could fool me," he said, at length. + +I became aware of the ticking of a great clock in the corner. My mouth +was dry. + +"I am going to forgive you," he went on, more gravely, "for several +reasons. I don't flatter, as you know. It's because you carried out the +thing so perfectly that I am led to think you have a gift that may be +cultivated, Paret. You wrote that theme in the way Peters would have +written it if he had not been--what shall I say?--scripturally +inarticulate. And I trust it may do you some good if I say it was +something of a literary achievement, if not a moral one." + +"Thank you, sir," I faltered. + +"Have you ever," he inquired, lapsing a little into his lecture-room +manner, "seriously thought of literature as a career? Have you ever +thought of any career seriously?" + +"I once wished to be a writer, sir," I replied tremulously, but refrained +from telling him of my father's opinion of the profession. Ambition--a +purer ambition than I had known for years--leaped within me at his words. +He, Alonzo Cheyne, had detected in me the Promethean fire! + +I sat there until ten o'clock talking to the real Mr. Cheyne, a human Mr. +Cheyne unknown in the lecture-room. Nor had I suspected one in whom +cynicism and distrust of undergraduates (of my sort) seemed so ingrained, +of such idealism. He did not pour it out in preaching; delicately, +unobtrusively and on the whole rather humorously he managed to present to +me in a most disillusionizing light that conception of the university +held by me and my intimate associates. After I had left him I walked the +quiet streets to behold as through dissolving mists another Harvard, and +there trembled in my soul like the birth-struggle of a flame something of +the vision later to be immortalized by St. Gaudens, the spirit of Harvard +responding to the spirit of the Republic--to the call of Lincoln, who +voiced it. The place of that bronze at the corner of Boston Common was as +yet empty, but I have since stood before it to gaze in wonder at the +light shining in darkness on mute, uplifted faces, black faces! at +Harvard's son leading them on that the light might live and prevail. + +I, too, longed for a Cause into which I might fling myself, in which I +might lose myself... I halted on the sidewalk to find myself staring from +the opposite side of the street at a familiar house, my old landlady's, +Mrs. Bolton's, and summoned up before me was the tired, smiling face of +Hermann Krebs. Was it because when he had once spoken so crudely of the +University I had seen the reflection of her spirit in his eyes? A light +still burned in the extension roof--Krebs's light; another shone dimly +through the ground glass of the front door. Obeying a sudden impulse, I +crossed the street. + +Mrs. Bolton, in the sky-blue wrapper, and looking more forbidding than +ever, answered the bell. Life had taught her to be indifferent to +surprises, and it was I who became abruptly embarrassed. + +"Oh, it's you, Mr. Paret," she said, as though I had been a frequent +caller. I had never once darkened her threshold since I had left her +house. + +"Yes," I answered, and hesitated.... "Is Mr. Krebs in?" + +"Well," she replied in a lifeless tone, which nevertheless had in it a +touch of bitterness, "I guess there's no reason why you and your friends +should have known he was sick." + +"Sick!" I repeated. "Is he very sick?" + +"I calculate he'll pull through," she said. "Sunday the doctor gave him +up. And no wonder! He hasn't had any proper food since he's be'n here!" +She paused, eyeing me. "If you'll excuse me, Mr. Paret, I was just going +up to him when you rang." + +"Certainly," I replied awkwardly. "Would you be so kind as to tell +him--when he's well enough--that I came to see him, and that I'm sorry?" + +There was another pause, and she stood with a hand defensively clutching +the knob. + +"Yes, I'll tell him," she said. + +With a sense of having been baffled, I turned away. + +Walking back toward the Yard my attention was attracted by a slowly +approaching cab whose occupants were disturbing the quiet of the night +with song. + +"Shollity--'tis wine, 'tis wine, that makesh--shollity." + +The vehicle drew up in front of a new and commodious building,--I believe +the first of those designed to house undergraduates who were willing to +pay for private bathrooms and other modern luxuries; out of one window of +the cab protruded a pair of shoeless feet, out of the other a hatless +head I recognized as belonging to Tom Peters; hence I surmised that the +feet were his also. The driver got down from the box, and a lively +argument was begun inside--for there were other occupants--as to how Mr. +Peters was to be disembarked; and I gathered from his frequent references +to the "Shgyptian obelisk" that the engineering problem presented struck +him as similar to the unloading of Cleopatra's Needle. + +"Careful, careful!" he cautioned, as certain expelling movements began +from within, "Easy, Ham, you jam-fool, keep the door shut, y'll break +me." + +"Now, Jerry, all heave sh'gether!" exclaimed a voice from the blackness +of the interior. + +"Will ye wait a minute, Mr. Durrett, sir?" implored the cabdriver. +"You'll be after ruining me cab entirely." (Loud roars and vigorous +resistance from the obelisk, the cab rocking violently.) "This gintleman" +(meaning me) "will have him by the head, and I'll get hold of his feet, +sir." Which he did, after a severe kick in the stomach. + +"Head'sh all right, Martin." + +"To be sure it is, Mr. Peters. Now will ye rest aisy awhile, sir?" + +"I'm axphyxiated," cried another voice from the darkness, the mined voice +of Jerome Kyme, our classmate. + +"Get the tackles under him!" came forth in commanding tones from +Conybear. + +In the meantime many windows had been raised and much gratuitous advice +was being given. The three occupants of the cab's seat who had previously +clamoured for Mr. Peters' removal, now inconsistently resisted it; +suddenly he came out with a jerk, and we had him fairly upright on the +pavement minus a collar and tie and the buttons of his evening waistcoat. +Those who remained in the cab engaged in a riotous game of hunt the +slipper, while Tom peered into the dark interior, observing gravely the +progress of the sport. First flew out an overcoat and a much-battered +hat, finally the pumps, all of which in due time were adjusted to his +person, and I started home with him, with much parting counsel from the +other three. + +"Whereinell were you, Hughie?" he inquired. "Hunted all over for you. Had +a sousin' good time. Went to Babcock's--had champagne--then to see Babesh +in--th'--Woods. Ham knows one of the Babesh had supper with four of 'em. +Nice Babesh!" + +"For heaven's sake don't step on me again!" I cried. + +"Sh'poloshize, old man. But y'know I'm William Shakespheare. C'n do +what I damplease." He halted in the middle of the street and recited +dramatically:-- + + "'Not marble, nor th' gilded monuments + Of prinches sh'll outlive m' powerful rhyme.'" + +"How's that, Alonzho, b'gosh?" + +"Where did you learn it?" I demanded, momentarily forgetting his +condition. + +"Fr'm Ralph," he replied, "says I wrote it. Can't remember...." + +After I had got him to bed,--a service I had learned to perform with more +or less proficiency,--I sat down to consider the events of the evening, +to attempt to get a proportional view. The intensity of my disgust was +not hypocritical as I gazed through the open door into the bedroom and +recalled the times when I, too, had been in that condition. Tom Peters +drunk, and sleeping it off, was deplorable, without doubt; but Hugh Paret +drunk was detestable, and had no excuse whatever. Nor did I mean by this +to set myself on a higher ethical plane, for I felt nothing but despair +and humility. In my state of clairvoyance I perceived that he was a +better man, than I, and that his lapses proceeded from a love of liquor +and the transcendent sense of good-fellowship that liquor brings. + + + + +VII. + +The crisis through which I passed at Cambridge, inaugurated by the events +I have just related, I find very difficult to portray. It was a religious +crisis, of course, and my most pathetic memory concerning it is of the +vain attempts to connect my yearnings and discontents with the theology I +had been taught; I began in secret to read my Bible, yet nothing I hit +upon seemed to point a way out of my present predicament, to give any +definite clew to the solution of my life. I was not mature enough to +reflect that orthodoxy was a Sunday religion unrelated to a world whose +wheels were turned by the motives of self-interest; that it consisted of +ideals not deemed practical, since no attempt was made to put them into +practice in the only logical manner,--by reorganizing civilization to +conform with them. The implication was that the Christ who had preached +these ideals was not practical.... There were undoubtedly men in the +faculty of the University who might have helped me had I known of them; +who might have given me, even at that time, a clew to the modern, logical +explanation of the Bible as an immortal record of the thoughts and acts +of men who had sought to do just what I was seeking to do,--connect the +religious impulse to life and make it fruitful in life: an explanation, +by the way, a thousand-fold more spiritual than the old. But I was +hopelessly entangled in the meshes of the mystic, the miraculous and +supernatural. If I had analyzed my yearnings, I might have realized that +I wanted to renounce the life I had been leading, not because it was +sinful, but because it was aimless. I had not learned that the Greek word +for sin is "a missing of the mark." Just aimlessness! I had been stirred +with the desire to perform some service for which the world would be +grateful: to write great literature, perchance. But it had never been +suggested to me that such swellings of the soul are religious, that +religion is that kind of feeling, of motive power that drives the writer +and the scientist, the statesman and the sculptor as well as the priest +and the Prophet to serve mankind for the joy of serving: that religion is +creative, or it is nothing: not mechanical, not a force imposed from +without, but a driving power within. The "religion" I had learned was +salvation from sin by miracle: sin a deliberate rebellion, not a pathetic +missing of the mark of life; useful service of man, not the wandering of +untutored souls who had not been shown the way. I felt religious. I +wanted to go to church, I wanted to maintain, when it was on me, that +exaltation I dimly felt as communion with a higher power, with God, and +which also was identical with my desire to write, to create.... + +I bought books, sets of Wordsworth and Keats, of Milton and Shelley and +Shakespeare, and hid them away in my bureau drawers lest Tom and my +friends should see them. These too I read secretly, making excuses for +not joining in the usual amusements. Once I walked to Mrs. Bolton's and +inquired rather shamefacedly for Hermann Krebs, only to be informed that +he had gone out.... There were lapses, of course, when I went off on the +old excursions,--for the most part the usual undergraduate follies, +though some were of a more serious nature; on these I do not care to +dwell. Sex was still a mystery.... Always I awoke afterwards to bitter +self-hatred and despair.... But my work in English improved, and I earned +the commendation and friendship of Mr. Cheyne. With a wisdom for which I +was grateful he was careful not to give much sign of it in classes, but +the fact that he was "getting soft on me" was evident enough to be +regarded with suspicion. Indeed the state into which I had fallen became +a matter of increasing concern to my companions, who tried every means +from ridicule to sympathy, to discover its cause and shake me out of it. +The theory most accepted was that I was in love. + +"Come on now, Hughie--tell me who she is. I won't give you away," Tom +would beg. Once or twice, indeed, I had imagined I was in love with the +sisters of Boston classmates whose dances I attended; to these parties +Tom, not having overcome his diffidence in respect to what he called +"social life," never could be induced to go. + +It was Ralph who detected the true cause of my discontent. Typical as no +other man I can recall of the code to which we had dedicated ourselves, +the code that moulded the important part of the undergraduate world and +defied authority, he regarded any defection from it in the light of +treason. An instructor, in a fit of impatience, had once referred to him +as the Mephistopheles of his class; he had fatal attractions, and a +remarkable influence. His favourite pastime was the capricious exercise +of his will on weaker characters, such as his cousin, Ham Durrett; if +they "swore off," Ralph made it his business to get them drunk again, and +having accomplished this would proceed himself to administer a new oath +and see that it was kept. Alcohol seemed to have no effect whatever on +him. Though he was in the class above me, I met him frequently at a club +to which I had the honour to belong, then a suite of rooms over a shop +furnished with a pool and a billiard table, easy-chairs and a bar. It has +since achieved the dignity of a house of its own. + +We were having, one evening, a "religious" argument, Cinibar, Laurens and +myself and some others. I can't recall how it began; I think Cinibar had +attacked the institution of compulsory chapel, which nobody defended; +there was something inherently wrong, he maintained, with a religion to +which men had to be driven against their wills. Somewhat to my surprise I +found myself defending a Christianity out of which I had been able to +extract but little comfort and solace. Neither Laurens nor Conybear, +however, were for annihilating it: although they took the other side of +the discussion of a subject of which none of us knew anything, their +attacks were but half-hearted; like me, they were still under the spell +exerted by a youthful training. + +We were all of us aware of Ralph, who sat at some distance looking over +the pages of an English sporting weekly. Presently he flung it down. + +"Haven't you found out yet that man created God, Hughie?" he inquired. +"And even if there were a personal God, what reason have you to think +that man would be his especial concern, or any concern of his whatever? +The discovery of evolution has knocked your Christianity into a cocked +hat." + +I don't remember how I answered him. In spite of the superficiality of +his own arguments, which I was not learned enough to detect, I was +ingloriously routed. Darwin had kicked over the bucket, and that was all +there was to it.... After we had left the club both Conybear and Laurens +admitted they were somewhat disturbed, declaring that Ralph had gone too +far. I spent a miserable night, recalling the naturalistic assertions he +had made so glibly, asking myself again and again how it was that the +religion to which I so vainly clung had no greater effect on my actions +and on my will, had not prevented me from lapses into degradation. And I +hated myself for having argued upon a subject that was still sacred. I +believed in Christ, which is to say that I believed that in some +inscrutable manner he existed, continued to dominate the world and had +suffered on my account. + +To whom should I go now for a confirmation of my wavering beliefs? One of +the results--it will be remembered of religion as I was taught it was a +pernicious shyness, and even though I had found a mentor and confessor, I +might have hesitated to unburden myself. This would be different from +arguing with Ralph Hambleton. In my predicament, as I was wandering +through the yard, I came across a notice of an evening talk to students +in Holder Chapel, by a clergyman named Phillips Brooks. This was before +the time, let me say in passing, when his sermons at Harvard were +attended by crowds of undergraduates. Well, I stood staring at the +notice, debating whether I should go, trying to screw up my courage; for +I recognized clearly that such a step, if it were to be of any value, +must mean a distinct departure from my present mode of life; and I recall +thinking with a certain revulsion that I should have to "turn good." My +presence at the meeting would be known the next day to all my friends, +for the idea of attending a religious gathering when one was not forced +to do so by the authorities was unheard of in our set. I should be +classed with the despised "pious ones" who did such things regularly. I +shrank from the ridicule. I had, however, heard of Mr. Brooks from Ned +Symonds, who was by no means of the pious type, and whose parents +attended Mr. Brooks's church in Boston.... I left my decision in +abeyance. But when evening came I stole away from the club table, on the +plea of an engagement, and made my way rapidly toward Holder Chapel. I +had almost reached it--when I caught a glimpse of Symonds and of some +others approaching,--and I went on, to turn again. By this time the +meeting, which was in a room on the second floor, had already begun. +Palpitating, I climbed the steps; the door of the room was slightly ajar; +I looked in; I recall a distinct sensation of surprise,--the atmosphere +of that meeting was so different from what I had expected. Not a "pious" +atmosphere at all! I saw a very tall and heavy gentleman, dressed in +black, who sat, wholly at ease, on the table! One hand was in his pocket, +one foot swung clear of the ground; and he was not preaching, but talking +in an easy, conversational tone to some forty young men who sat intent on +his words. I was too excited to listen to what he was saying, I was +making a vain attempt to classify him. But I remember the thought, for it +struck me with force,--that if Christianity were so thoroughly +discredited by evolution, as Ralph Hambleton and other agnostics would +have one believe, why should this remarkably sane and able-looking person +be standing up for it as though it were still an established and +incontrovertible fact? + +He had not, certainly, the air of a dupe or a sentimentalist, but +inspired confidence by his very personality. Youthlike, I watched him +narrowly for flaws, for oratorical tricks, for all kinds of histrionic +symptoms. Again I was near the secret; again it escaped me. The argument +for Christianity lay not in assertions about it, but in being it. This +man was Christianity.... I must have felt something of this, even though +I failed to formulate it. And unconsciously I contrasted his strength, +which reinforced the atmosphere of the room, with that of Ralph +Hambleton, who was, a greater influence over me than I have recorded, and +had come to sway me more and more, as he had swayed others. The strength +of each was impressive, yet this Mr. Brooks seemed to me the bodily +presentment of a set of values which I would have kept constantly before +my eyes.... I felt him drawing me, overcoming my hesitation, belittling +my fear of ridicule. I began gently to open the door--when something +happened,--one of those little things that may change the course of a +life. The door made little noise, yet one of the men sitting in the back +of the room chanced to look around, and I recognized Hermann Krebs. His +face was still sunken from his recent illness. Into his eyes seemed to +leap a sudden appeal, an appeal to which my soul responded yet I hurried +down the stairs and into the street. Instantly I regretted my retreat, I +would have gone back, but lacked the courage; and I strayed unhappily for +hours, now haunted by that look of Krebs, now wondering what the +remarkably sane-looking and informal clergyman whose presence dominated +the little room had been talking about. I never learned, but I did live +to read his biography, to discover what he might have talked about,--for +he if any man believed that life and religion are one, and preached +consecration to life's task. + +Of little use to speculate whether the message, had I learned it then, +would have fortified and transformed me! + +In spite of the fact that I was unable to relate to a satisfying +conception of religion my new-born determination, I made up my mind, at +least, to renounce my tortuous ways. I had promised my father to be a +lawyer; I would keep my promise, I would give the law a fair trial; later +on, perhaps, I might demonstrate an ability to write. All very +praiseworthy! The season was Lent, a fitting time for renunciations and +resolves. Although I had more than once fallen from grace, I believed +myself at last to have settled down on my true course--when something +happened. The devil interfered subtly, as usual--now in the person of +Jerry Kyme. It should be said in justice to Jerry that he did not look +the part. He had sunny-red, curly hair, mischievous blue eyes with long +lashes, and he harboured no respect whatever for any individual or +institution, sacred or profane; he possessed, however, a shrewd sense of +his own value, as many innocent and unsuspecting souls discovered as +early as our freshman year, and his method of putting down the +presumptuous was both effective and unique. If he liked you, there could +be no mistake about it. + +One evening when I was engaged in composing a theme for Mr. Cheyne on no +less a subject than the interpretation of the work of William Wordsworth, +I found myself unexpectedly sprawling on the floor, in my descent kicking +the table so vigorously as to send the ink-well a foot or two toward the +ceiling. This, be it known, was a typical proof of Jerry's esteem. For he +had entered noiselessly, jerking the back of my chair, which chanced to +be tilted, and stood with his hands in his pockets, surveying the ruin he +had wrought, watching the ink as it trickled on the carpet. Then he +picked up the book. + +"Poetry, you darned old grind!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "Say, Parry, I +don't know what's got into you, but I want you to come home with me for +the Easter holidays. It'll do you good. We'll be on the Hudson, you know, +and we'll manage to make life bearable somehow." + +I forgot my irritation, in sheer surprise. + +"Why, that's mighty good of you, Jerry--" I began, struggling to my feet. + +"Oh, rot!" he exclaimed. "I shouldn't ask you if I didn't want you." + +There was no denying the truth of this, and after he had gone I sat for a +long time with my pen in my mouth, reflecting as to whether or not I +should go. For I had the instinct that here was another cross-roads, that +more depended on my decision than I cared to admit. But even then I knew +what I should do. Ridiculous not to--I told myself. How could a week or +ten days with Jerry possibly affect my newborn, resolve? + +Yet the prospect, now, of a visit to the Kymes' was by no means so +glowing as it once would have been. For I had seen visions, I had dreamed +dreams, beheld a delectable country of my very own. A year ago--nay, even +a month ago--how such an invitation would have glittered!... I returned +at length to my theme, over which, before Jerry's arrival, I had been +working feverishly. But now the glamour had gone from it. + +Presently Tom came in. + +"Anyone been here?" he demanded. + +"Jerry," I told him. + +"What did he want?" + +"He wanted me to go home with him at Easter." + +"You're going, of course." + +"I don't know. I haven't decided." + +"You'd be a fool not to," was Tom's comment. It voiced, succinctly, a +prevailing opinion. + +It was the conclusion I arrived at in my own mind. But just why I had +been chosen for the honour, especially at such a time, was a riddle. +Jerry's invitations were charily given, and valued accordingly; and more +than once, at our table, I had felt a twinge of envy when Conybear or +someone else had remarked, with the proper nonchalance, in answer to a +question, that they were going to Weathersfield. Such was the name of the +Kyme place.... + +I shall never forget the impression made on me by the decorous luxury of +that big house, standing amidst its old trees, halfway up the gentle +slope that rose steadily from the historic highway where poor Andre was +captured. I can see now the heavy stone pillars of its portico vignetted +in a flush of tenderest green, the tulips just beginning to flame forth +their Easter colours in the well-kept beds, the stately, well-groomed +evergreens, the vivid lawns, the clipped hedges. And like an overwhelming +wave of emotion that swept all before it, the impressiveness of wealth +took possession of me. For here was a kind of wealth I had never known, +that did not exist in the West, nor even in the still Puritan environs of +Boston where I had visited. It took itself for granted, proclaimed itself +complacently to have solved all problems. By ignoring them, perhaps. But +I was too young to guess this. It was order personified, gaining effect +at every turn by a multitude of details too trivial to mention were it +not for the fact that they entered deeply into my consciousness, until +they came to represent, collectively, the very flower of achievement. It +was a wealth that accepted tribute calmly, as of inherent right. Law and +tradition defended its sanctity more effectively than troops. Literature +descended from her high altar to lend it dignity; and the long, silent +library displayed row upon row of the masters, appropriately clad in +morocco or calf,--Smollett, Macaulay, Gibbon, Richardson, Fielding, +Scott, Dickens, Irving and Thackeray, as though each had striven for a +tablet here. Art had denied herself that her canvases might be hung on +these walls; and even the Church, on that first Sunday of my visit, +forgot the blood of her martyrs that she might adorn an appropriate niche +in the setting. The clergyman, at one of the dinner parties, gravely +asked a blessing as upon an Institution that included and absorbed all +other institutions in its being.... + +The note of that house was a tempered gaiety. Guests arrived from New +York, spent the night and departed again without disturbing the even +tenor of its ways. Unobtrusive servants ministered to their wants,--and +to mine.... + +Conybear was there, and two classmates from Boston, and we were treated +with the amiable tolerance accorded to college youths and intimates of +the son of the house. One night there was a dance in our honour. Nor have +I forgotten Jerry's sister, Nathalie, whom I had met at Class Days, a +slim and willowy, exotic young lady of the Botticelli type, with a crown +of burnished hair, yet more suggestive of a hothouse than of spring. She +spoke English with a French accent. Capricious, impulsive, she captured +my interest because she put a high value on her favour; she drove me over +the hills, informing me at length that I was sympathique--different from +the rest; in short, she emphasized and intensified what I may call the +Weathersfield environment, stirred up in me new and vague aspirations +that troubled yet excited me. + +Then there was Mrs. Kyme, a pretty, light-hearted lady, still young, who +seemed to have no intention of growing older, who romped and played songs +for us on the piano. The daughter of an old but now impecunious +Westchester family, she had been born to adorn the position she held, she +was adapted by nature to wring from it the utmost of the joys it offered. +From her, rather than from her husband, both of the children seemed to +have inherited. I used to watch Mr. Grosvenor Kyme as he sat at the end +of the dinner-table, dark, preoccupied, taciturn, symbolical of a wealth +new to my experience, and which had about it a certain fabulous quality. +It toiled not, neither did it spin, but grew as if by magic, day and +night, until the very conception of it was overpowering. What must it be +to have had ancestors who had been clever enough to sit still until a +congested and discontented Europe had begun to pour its thousands and +hundreds of thousands into the gateway of the western world, until that +gateway had become a metropolis? ancestors, of course, possessing what +now suddenly appeared to me as the most desirable of gifts--since it +reaped so dazzling a harvest-business foresight. From time to time these +ancestors had continued to buy desirable corners, which no amount of +persuasion had availed to make them relinquish. Lease them, yes; sell +them, never! By virtue of such a system wealth was as inevitable as human +necessity; and the thought of human necessity did not greatly bother me. +Mr. Kyme's problem of life was not one of making money, but of investing +it. One became automatically a personage.... + +It was due to one of those singular coincidences--so interesting a +subject for speculation--that the man who revealed to me this golden +romance of the Kyme family was none other than a resident of my own city, +Mr. Theodore Watling, now become one of our most important and +influential citizens; a corporation lawyer, new and stimulating +qualification, suggesting as it did, a deus ex machina of great affairs. +That he, of all men, should come to Weathersfield astonished me, since I +was as yet to make the connection between that finished, decorous, +secluded existence and the source of its being. The evening before my +departure he arrived in company with two other gentlemen, a Mr. Talbot +and a Mr. Saxes, whose names were spoken with respect in a sphere of +which I had hitherto taken but little cognizance-Wall Street. Conybear +informed me that they were "magnates,"... We were sitting in the +drawing-room at tea, when they entered with Mr. Watling, and no sooner +had he spoken to Mrs. Kyme than his quick eye singled me out of the +group. + +"Why, Hugh!" he exclaimed, taking my hand. "I had no idea I should meet +you here--I saw your father only last week, the day I left home." And he +added, turning to Mrs. Kyme, "Hugh is the son of Mr. Matthew Paret, who +has been the leader of our bar for many years." + +The recognition and the tribute to my father were so graciously given +that I warmed with gratitude and pride, while Mr. Kyme smiled a little, +remarking that I was a friend of Jerry's. Theodore Watling, for being +here, had suddenly assumed in my eyes a considerable consequence, though +the note he struck in that house was a strange one. It was, however, his +own note, and had a certain distinction, a ring of independence, of the +knowledge of self-worth. Dinner at Weathersfield we youngsters had +usually found rather an oppressive ceremony, with its shaded lights and +precise ritual over which Mr. Kyme presided like a high priest; +conversation had been restrained. That night, as Johnnie Laurens +afterwards expressed it, "things loosened up," and Mr. Watling was +responsible for the loosening. Taking command of the Kyme dinner table +appeared to me to be no mean achievement, but this is just what he did, +without being vulgar or noisy or assertive. Suavitar in modo, forbiter in +re. If, as I watched him there with a newborn pride and loyalty, I had +paused to reconstruct the idea that the mention of his name would +formerly have evoked, I suppose I should have found him falling short of +my notion of a gentleman; it had been my father's opinion; but Mr. +Watling's marriage to Gene Hollister's aunt had given him a standing with +us at home. He possessed virility, vitality in a remarkable degree, yet +some elusive quality that was neither tact nor delicacy--though related +to these differentiated him from the commonplace, self-made man of +ability. He was just off the type. To liken him to a clothing store model +of a well-built, broad-shouldered man with a firm neck, a handsome, +rather square face not lacking in colour and a conventional, drooping +moustache would be slanderous; yet he did suggest it. Suggesting it, he +redeemed it: and the middle western burr in his voice was rather +attractive than otherwise. He had not so much the air of belonging there, +as of belonging anywhere--one of those anomalistic American citizens of +the world who go abroad and make intimates of princes. Before the meal +was over he had inspired me with loyalty and pride, enlisted the +admiration of Jerry and Conybear and Johnnie Laurens; we followed him +into the smoking-room, sitting down in a row on a leather lounge behind +our elders. + +Here, now that the gentlemen were alone, there was an inspiring largeness +in their talk that fired the imagination. The subject was investments, at +first those of coal and iron in my own state, for Mr. Watling, it +appeared, was counsel for the Boyne Iron Works. + +"It will pay you to keep an eye on that company, Mr. Kyme," he said, +knocking the ashes from his cigar. "Now that old Mr. Durrett's gone--" + +"You don't mean to say Nathaniel Durrett's dead!" said Mr. Kyme. + +The lawyer nodded. + +"The old regime passed with him. Adolf Scherer succeeds him, and you may +take my word for it, he's a coming man. Mr. Durrett, who was a judge of +men, recognized that. Scherer was an emigrant, he had ideas, and rose to +be a foreman. For the last few years Mr. Durrett threw everything on his +shoulders...." + +Little by little the scope of the discussion was enlarged until it ranged +over a continent, touching lightly upon lines of railroad, built or +projected, across the great west our pioneers had so lately succeeded in +wresting from the savages, upon mines of copper and gold hidden away +among the mountains, and millions of acres of forest and grazing lands +which a complacent government would relinquish provided certain +technicalities were met: touching lightly, too, very lightly,--upon +senators and congressmen at Washington. And for the first time I learned +that not the least of the functions of these representatives of the +people was to act as the medium between capital and investment, to +facilitate the handing over of the Republic's resources to those in a +position to develop them. The emphasis was laid on development, or rather +on the resulting prosperity for the country: that was the justification, +and it was taken for granted as supreme. Nor was it new to me; this cult +of prosperity. I recalled the torch-light processions of the tariff +enthusiasts of my childhood days, my father's championship of the +Republican Party. He had not idealized politicians, either. For the +American, politics and ethics were strangers. + +Thus I listened with increasing fascination to these gentlemen in evening +clothes calmly treating the United States as a melon patch that existed +largely for the purpose of being divided up amongst a limited and favored +number of persons. I had a feeling of being among the initiated. Where, +it may be asked, were my ideals? Let it not be supposed that I believed +myself to have lost them. If so, the impression I have given of myself +has been wholly inadequate. No, they had been transmuted, that is all, +transmuted by the alchemy of Weathersfield, by the personality of +Theodore Watling into brighter visions. My eyes rarely left his face; I +hung on his talk, which was interspersed with native humour, though he +did not always join in the laughter, sometimes gazing at the fire, as +though his keen mind were grappling with a problem suggested. I noted the +respect in which his opinions were held, and my imagination was fired by +an impression of the power to be achieved by successful men of his +profession, by the evidence of their indispensability to capital +itself.... At last when the gentlemen rose and were leaving the room, Mr. +Watling lingered, with his hand on my arm. + +"Of course you're going through the Law School, Hugh," he said. + +"Yes, sir," I replied. + +"Good!" he exclaimed emphatically. "The law, to-day, is more of a career +than ever, especially for a young man with your antecedents and +advantages, and I know of no city in the United States where I would +rather start practice, if I were a young man, than ours. In the next +twenty years we shall see a tremendous growth. Of course you'll be going +into your father's office. You couldn't do better. But I'll keep an eye +on you, and perhaps I'll be able to help you a little, too." + +I thanked him gratefully. + +A famous artist, who started out in youth to embrace a military career +and who failed to pass an examination at West Point, is said to have +remarked that if silicon had been a gas he would have been a soldier. I +am afraid I may have given the impression that if I had not gone to +Weathersfield and encountered Mr. Watling I might not have been a lawyer. +This impression would be misleading. And while it is certain that I have +not exaggerated the intensity of the spiritual experience I went through +at Cambridge, a somewhat belated consideration for the truth compels me +to register my belief that the mood would in any case have been +ephemeral. The poison generated by the struggle of my nature with its +environment had sunk too deep, and the very education that was supposed +to make a practical man of me had turned me into a sentimentalist. I +became, as will be seen, anything but a practical man in the true sense, +though the world in which I had been brought up and continued to live +deemed me such. My father was greatly pleased when I wrote him that I was +now more than ever convinced of the wisdom of choosing the law as my +profession, and was satisfied that I had come to my senses at last. He +had still been prepared to see me "go off at a tangent," as he expressed +it. On the other hand, the powerful effect of the appeal made by +Weathersfield and Mr. Watling must not be underestimated. Here in one +object lesson was emphasized a host of suggestions each of which had made +its impression. And when I returned to Cambridge Alonzo Cheyne knew that +he had lost me.... + +I pass over the rest of my college course, and the years I spent at the +Harvard Law School, where were instilled into me without difficulty the +dictums that the law was the most important of all professions, that +those who entered it were a priestly class set aside to guard from +profanation that Ark of the Covenant, the Constitution of the United +States. In short, I was taught law precisely as I had been taught +religion,--scriptural infallibility over again,--a static law and a +static theology,--a set of concepts that were supposed to be equal to any +problems civilization would have to meet until the millennium. What we +are wont to call wisdom is often naively innocent of impending change. It +has no barometric properties. + +I shall content myself with relating one incident only of this period. In +the January of my last year I went with a party of young men and girls to +stay over Sunday at Beverly Farms, where Mrs. Fremantle--a young Boston +matron had opened her cottage for the occasion. This "cottage," a roomy, +gabled structure, stood on a cliff, at the foot of which roared the +wintry Atlantic, while we danced and popped corn before the open fires. +During the daylight hours we drove about the country in sleighs, or made +ridiculous attempts to walk on snow-shoes. + +On Sunday afternoon, left temporarily to my own devices, I wandered along +the cliff, crossing into the adjoining property. The wind had fallen; the +waves, much subdued, broke rhythmically against the rocks; during the +night a new mantle of snow had been spread, and the clouds were still low +and menacing. As I strolled I became aware of a motionless figure ahead +of me,--one that seemed oddly familiar; the set of the shabby overcoat on +the stooping shoulders, the unconscious pose contributed to a certain +sharpness of individuality; in the act of challenging my memory, I +halted. The man was gazing at the seascape, and his very absorption gave +me a sudden and unfamiliar thrill. The word absorption precisely +expresses my meaning, for he seemed indeed to have become a part of his +surroundings,--an harmonious part. Presently he swung about and looked at +me as though he had expected to find me there--and greeted me by name. + +"Krebs!" I exclaimed. + +He smiled, and flung out his arm, indicating the scene. His eyes at that +moment seemed to reflect the sea,--they made the gaunt face suddenly +beautiful. + +"This reminds me of a Japanese print," he said. + +The words, or the tone in which he spoke, curiously transformed the +picture. It was as if I now beheld it, anew, through his vision: the grey +water stretching eastward to melt into the grey sky, the massed, black +trees on the hillside, powdered with white, the snow in rounded, +fantastic patches on the huge boulders at the foot of the cliff. Krebs +did not seem like a stranger, but like one whom I had known always,--one +who stood in a peculiar relationship between me and something greater I +could not define. The impression was fleeting, but real.... I remember +wondering how he could have known anything about Japanese prints. + +"I didn't think you were still in this part of the country," I remarked +awkwardly. + +"I'm a reporter on a Boston newspaper, and I've been sent up here to +interview old Mr. Dome, who lives in that house," and he pointed to a +roof above the trees. "There is a rumour, which I hope to verify, that he +has just given a hundred thousand dollars to the University." + +"And--won't he see you?" + +"At present he's taking a nap," said Krebs. "He comes here occasionally +for a rest." + +"Do you like interviewing?" I asked. + +He smiled again. + +"Well, I see a good many different kinds of people, and that's +interesting." + +"But--being a reporter?" I persisted. + +This continued patronage was not a conscious expression of superiority on +my part, but he did not seem to resent it. He had aroused my curiosity. + +"I'm going into the law," he said. + +The quiet confidence with which he spoke aroused, suddenly, a twinge of +antagonism. He had every right to go into the law, of course, and yet!... +my query would have made it evident to me, had I been introspective in +those days, that the germ of the ideal of the profession, implanted by +Mr. Watling, was expanding. Were not influential friends necessary for +the proper kind of career? and where were Krebs's? In spite of the +history of Daniel Webster and a long line of American tradition, I felt +an incongruity in my classmate's aspiration. And as he stood there, gaunt +and undoubtedly hungry, his eyes kindling, I must vaguely have classed +him with the revolutionaries of all the ages; must have felt in him, +instinctively, a menace to the stability of that Order with which I had +thrown my fortunes. And yet there were comparatively poor men in the Law +School itself who had not made me feel this way! He had impressed me +against my will, taken me by surprise, commiseration had been mingled +with other feelings that sprang out of the memory of the night I had +called on him, when he had been sick. Now I resented something in him +which Tom Peters had called "crust." + +"The law!" I repeated. "Why?" + +"Well," he said, "even when I was a boy, working at odd jobs, I used to +think if I could ever be a lawyer I should have reached the top notch of +human dignity." + +Once more his smile disarmed me. + +"And now" I asked curiously. + +"You see, it was an ideal with me, I suppose. My father was responsible +for that. He had the German temperament of '48, and when he fled to this +country, he expected to find Utopia." The smile emerged again, like the +sun shining through clouds, while fascination and antagonism again +struggled within me. "And then came frightful troubles. For years he +could get only enough work to keep him and my mother alive, but he never +lost his faith in America. 'It is man,' he would say, 'man has to grow up +to it--to liberty.' Without the struggle, liberty would be worth nothing. +And he used to tell me that we must all do our part, we who had come +here, and not expect everything to be done for us. He had made that +mistake. If things were bad, why, put a shoulder to the wheel and help to +make them better. + +"That helped me," he continued, after a moment's pause. "For I've seen a +good many things, especially since I've been working for a newspaper. +I've seen, again and again, the power of the law turned against those +whom it was intended to protect, I've seen lawyers who care a great deal +more about winning cases than they do about justice, who prostitute their +profession to profit making,--profit making for themselves and others. +And they are often the respectable lawyers, too, men of high standing, +whom you would not think would do such things. They are on the side of +the powerful, and the best of them are all retained by rich men and +corporations. And what is the result? One of the worst evils, I think, +that can befall a country. The poor man goes less and less to the courts. +He is getting bitter, which is bad, which is dangerous. But men won't see +it." + +It was on my tongue to refute this, to say that everybody had a chance. I +could indeed recall many arguments that had been drilled into me; +quotations, even, from court decisions. But something prevented me from +doing this,--something in his manner, which was neither argumentative nor +combative. + +"That's why I am going into the law," he added. "And I intend to stay in +it if I can keep alive. It's a great chance for me--for all of us. Aren't +you at the Law School?" + +I nodded. Once more, as his earnest glance fell upon me, came that +suggestion of a subtle, inexplicable link between us; but before I could +reply, steps were heard behind us, and an elderly servant, bareheaded, +was seen coming down the path. + +"Are you the reporter?" he demanded somewhat impatiently of Krebs. "If +you want to see Mr. Dome, you'd better come right away. He's going out +for a drive." + +For a while, after he had shaken my hand and departed, I stood in the +snow, looking after him.... + + + + +VIII + +On the Wednesday of that same week the news of my father's sudden and +serious illness came to me in a telegram, and by the time I arrived at +home it was too late to see him again alive. It was my first experience +with death, and what perplexed me continually during the following days +was an inability to feel the loss more deeply. When a child, I had been +easily shaken by the spectacle of sorrow. Had I, during recent years, as +a result of a discovery that emotions arising from human relationships +lead to discomfort and suffering, deliberately been forming a shell, +until now I was incapable of natural feelings? Of late I had seemed +closer to my father, and his letters, though formal, had given evidence +of his affection; in his repressed fashion he had made it clear that he +looked forward to the time when I was to practise with him. Why was it +then, as I gazed upon his fine features in death, that I experienced no +intensity of sorrow? What was it in me that would not break down? He +seemed worn and tired, yet I had never thought of him as weary, never +attributed to him any yearning. And now he was released. + +I wondered what had been his private thoughts about himself, his private +opinions about life; and when I reflect now upon my lack of real +knowledge at five and twenty, I am amazed at the futility of an expensive +education which had failed to impress upon me the simple, basic fact that +life was struggle; that either development or retrogression is the fate +of all men, that characters are never completely made, but always in the +making. I had merely a disconcerting glimpse of this truth, with no +powers of formulation, as I sat beside my mother in the bedroom, where +every article evoked some childhood scene. Here was the dent in the +walnut foot-board of the bed made, one wintry day, by the impact of my +box of blocks; the big arm-chair, covered with I know not what stiff +embroidery, which had served on countless occasions as a chariot driven +to victory. I even remembered how every Wednesday morning I had been +banished from the room, which had been so large a part of my childhood +universe, when Ella, the housemaid, had flung open all its windows and +crowded its furniture into the hall. + +The thought of my wanderings since then became poignant, almost +terrifying. The room, with all its memories, was unchanged. How safe I +had been within its walls! Why could I not have been, content with what +it represented? of tradition, of custom,--of religion? And what was it +within me that had lured me away from these? + +I was miserable, indeed, but my misery was not of the kind I thought it +ought to be. At moments, when my mother relapsed into weeping, I glanced +at her almost in wonder. Such sorrow as hers was incomprehensible. Once +she surprised and discomfited me by lifting her head and gazing fixedly +at me through her tears. + +I recall certain impressions of the funeral. There, among the +pall-bearers, was my Cousin Robert Breck, tears in the furrows of his +cheeks. Had he loved my father more than I? The sight of his grief moved +me suddenly and strongly.... It seemed an age since I had worked in his +store, and yet here he was still, coming to town every morning and +returning every evening to Claremore, loving his friends, and mourning +them one by one. Was this, the spectacle presented by my Cousin Robert, +the reward of earthly existence? Were there no other prizes save those +known as greatness of character and depth of human affections? Cousin +Robert looked worn and old. The other pall-bearers, men of weight, of +long standing in the community, were aged, too; Mr. Blackwood, and Mr. +Jules Hollister; and out of place, somehow, in this new church building. +It came to me abruptly that the old order was gone,--had slipped away +during my absence. The church I had known in boyhood had been torn down +to make room for a business building on Boyne Street; the edifice in +which I sat was expensive, gave forth no distinctive note; seemingly +transitory with its hybrid interior, its shiny oak and blue and red +organ-pipes, betokening a compromised and weakened faith. Nondescript, +likewise, seemed the new minister, Mr. Randlett, as he prayed unctuously +in front of the flowers massed on the platform. I vaguely resented his +laudatory references to my father. + +The old church, with its severity, had actually stood for something. It +was the Westminster Catechism in wood and stone, and Dr. Pound had been +the human incarnation of that catechism, the fit representative of a +wrathful God, a militant shepherd who had guarded with vigilance his +respectable flock, who had protested vehemently against the sins of the +world by which they were surrounded, against the "dogs, and sorcerers, +and whoremongers, and murderers and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and +maketh a lie." How Dr. Pound would have put the emphasis of the +Everlasting into those words! + +Against what was Mr. Randlett protesting? + +My glance wandered to the pews which held the committees from various +organizations, such as the Chamber of Commerce and the Bar Association, +which had come to do honour to my father. And there, differentiated from +the others, I saw the spruce, alert figure of Theodore Watling. He, too, +represented a new type and a new note,--this time a forceful note, a +secular note that had not belonged to the old church, and seemed likewise +anomalistic in the new.... + +During the long, slow journey in the carriage to the cemetery my mother +did not raise her veil. It was not until she reached out and seized my +hand, convulsively, that I realized she was still a part of my existence. + +In the days that followed I became aware that my father's death had +removed a restrictive element, that I was free now to take without +criticism or opposition whatever course in life I might desire. It may be +that I had apprehended even then that his professional ideals would not +have coincided with my own. Mingled with this sense of emancipation was a +curious feeling of regret, of mourning for something I had never valued, +something fixed and dependable for which he had stood, a rock and a +refuge of which I had never availed myself!... When his will was opened +it was found that the property had been left to my mother during her +lifetime. It was larger than I had thought, four hundred thousand +dollars, shrewdly invested, for the most part, in city real estate. My +father had been very secretive as to money matters, and my mother had no +interest in them. + +Three or four days later I received in the mail a typewritten letter +signed by Theodore Watling, expressing sympathy for my bereavement, and +asking me to drop in on him, down town, before I should leave the city. +In contrast to the somewhat dingy offices where my father had practised +in the Blackwood Block, the quarters of Watling, Fowndes and Ripon on the +eighth floor of the new Durrett Building were modern to a degree, +finished in oak and floored with marble, with a railed-off space where +young women with nimble fingers played ceaselessly on typewriters. One of +them informed me that Mr. Watling was busy, but on reading my card added +that she would take it in. Meanwhile, in company with two others who may +have been clients, I waited. This, then, was what it meant to be a lawyer +of importance, to have, like a Chesterfield, an ante-room where clients +cooled their heels and awaited one's pleasure... + +The young woman returned, and led me through a corridor to a door on +which was painted Mr. Wailing. + +I recall him tilted back in his chair in a debonnair manner beside his +polished desk, the hint of a smile on his lips; and leaning close to him +was a yellow, owl-like person whose eyes, as they turned to me, gave the +impression of having stared for years into hard, artificial lights. Mr. +Watling rose briskly. + +"How are you, Hugh?" he said, the warmth of his greeting tempered by just +the note of condolence suitable to my black clothes. "I'm glad you came. +I wanted to see you before you went back to Cambridge. I must introduce +you to Judge Bering, of our State Supreme Court. Judge, this is Mr. +Paret's boy." + +The judge looked me over with a certain slow impressiveness, and gave me +a soft and fleshy hand. + +"Glad to know you, Mr. Paret. Your father was a great loss to our bar," +he declared. + +I detected in his tone and manner a slight reservation that could not be +called precisely judicial dignity; it was as though, in these few words, +he had gone to the limit of self-commitment with a stranger--a striking +contrast to the confidential attitude towards Mr. Watling in which I had +surprised him. + +"Judge," said Mr. Watling, sitting down again, "do you recall that time +we all went up to Mr. Paret's house and tried to induce him to run for +mayor? That was before you went on the lower bench." + +The judge nodded gloomily, caressing his watch chain, and suddenly rose +to go. + +"That will be all right, then?" Mr. Watling inquired cryptically, with a +smile. The other made a barely perceptible inclination of the head and +departed. Mr. Watling looked at me. "He's one of the best men we have on +the bench to-day," he added. There was a trace of apology in his tone. + +He talked a while of my father, to whom, so he said, he had looked up +ever since he had been admitted to the bar. + +"It would be a pleasure to me, Hugh, as well as a matter of pride," he +said cordially, but with dignity, "to have Matthew Paret's son in my +office. I suppose you will be wishing to take your mother somewhere this +summer, but if you care to come here in the autumn, you will be welcome. +You will begin, of course, as other young men begin,--as I began. But I +am a believer in blood, and I'll be glad to have you. Mr. Fowndes and Mr. +Ripon feel the same way." He escorted me to the door himself. + +Everywhere I went during that brief visit home I was struck by change, by +the crumbling and decay of institutions that once had held me in thrall, +by the superimposition of a new order that as yet had assumed no definite +character. Some of the old landmarks had disappeared; there were new and +aggressive office buildings, new and aggressive residences, new and +aggressive citizens who lived in them, and of whom my mother spoke with +gentle deprecation. Even Claremore, that paradise of my childhood, had +grown shrivelled and shabby, even tawdry, I thought, when we went out +there one Sunday afternoon; all that once represented the magic word +"country" had vanished. The old flat piano, made in Philadelphia ages +ago, the horsehair chairs and sofa had been replaced by a nondescript +furniture of the sort displayed behind plate-glass windows of the city's +stores: rocking-chairs on stands, upholstered in clashing colours, their +coiled springs only half hidden by tassels, and "ornamental" electric +fixtures, instead of the polished coal-oil lamps. Cousin Jenny had grown +white, Willie was a staid bachelor, Helen an old maid, while Mary had +married a tall, anaemic young man with glasses, Walter Kinley, whom +Cousin Robert had taken into the store. As I contemplated the Brecks odd +questions suggested themselves: did honesty and warm-heartedness +necessarily accompany a lack of artistic taste? and was virtue its own +reward, after all? They drew my mother into the house, took off her +wraps, set her down in the most comfortable rocker, and insisted on +making her a cup of tea. + +I was touched. I loved them still, and yet I was conscious of +reservations concerning them. They, too, seemed a little on the defensive +with me, and once in a while Mary was caustic in her remarks. + +"I guess nothing but New York will be good enough for Hugh now. He'll be +taking Cousin Sarah away from us." + +"Not at all, my dear," said my mother, gently, "he's going into Mr. +Watling's office next autumn." + +"Theodore Watling?" demanded Cousin Robert, pausing in his carving. + +"Yes, Robert. Mr. Watling has been good enough to say that he would like +to have Hugh. Is there anything--?" + +"Oh, I'm out of date, Sarah," Cousin Robert replied, vigorously severing +the leg of the turkey. "These modern lawyers are too smart for me. +Watling's no worse than the others, I suppose,--only he's got more +ability." + +"I've never heard anything against him," said my mother in a pained +voice. "Only the other day McAlery Willett congratulated me that Hugh was +going to be with him." + +"You mustn't mind Robert, Sarah," put in Cousin Jenny,--a remark +reminiscent of other days. + +"Dad has a notion that his generation is the only honest one," said +Helen, laughingly, as she passed a plate. + +I had gained a sense of superiority, and I was quite indifferent to +Cousin Robert's opinion of Mr. Watling, of modern lawyers in general. +More than once a wave of self-congratulation surged through me that I had +possessed the foresight and initiative to get out of the wholesale +grocery business while there was yet time. I looked at Willie, still +freckled, still literal, still a plodder, at Walter Kinley, and I thought +of the drabness of their lives; at Cousin Robert himself as he sat +smoking his cigar in the bay-window on that dark February day, and +suddenly I pitied him. The suspicion struck me that he had not prospered +of late, and this deepened to a conviction as he talked. + +"The Republican Party is going to the dogs," he asserted. + +"It used to be an honourable party, but now it is no better than the +other. Politics are only conducted, now, for the purpose of making +unscrupulous men rich, sir. For years I furnished this city with good +groceries, if I do say it myself. I took a pride in the fact that the +inmates of the hospitals, yes, and the dependent poor in the city's +institutions, should have honest food. You can get anything out of the +city if you are willing to pay the politicians for it. I lost my city +contracts. Why? Because I refused to deal with scoundrels. Weill and +Company and other unscrupulous upstarts are willing to do so, and poison +the poor and the sick with adulterated groceries! The first thing I knew +was that the city auditor was holding back my bills for supplies, and +paying Weill's. That's what politics and business, yes, sir, and the law, +have come to in these days. If a man wants to succeed, he must turn into +a rascal." + +I was not shocked, but I was silent, uncomfortable, wishing that it were +time to take the train back to the city. Cousin Robert's face was more +worn than I had thought, and I contrasted him inevitably with the +forceful person who used to stand, in his worn alpaca coat, on the +pavement in front of his store, greeting with clear-eyed content his +fellow merchants of the city. Willie Breck, too, was silent, and Walter +Kinley took off his glasses and wiped them. In the meanwhile Helen had +left the group in which my mother sat, and, approaching us, laid her +hands on her father's shoulders. + +"Now, dad," she said, in affectionate remonstrance, "you're excited about +politics again, and you know it isn't good for you. And besides, they're +not worth it." + +"You're right, Helen," he replied. Under the pressure of her hands he +made a strong effort to control himself, and turned to address my mother +across the room. + +"I'm getting to be a crotchety old man," he said. "It's a good thing I +have a daughter to remind me of it." + +"It is a good thing, Robert," said my mother. + +During the rest of our visit he seemed to have recovered something of his +former spirits and poise, taking refuge in the past. They talked of their +own youth, of families whose houses had been landmarks on the Second +Bank. + +"I'm worried about your Cousin Robert, Hugh," my mother confided to me, +when we were at length seated in the train. "I've heard rumours that +things are not so well at the store as they might be." We looked out at +the winter landscape, so different from that one which had thrilled every +fibre of my being in the days when the railroad on which we travelled had +been a winding narrow gauge. The orchards--those that remained--were +bare; stubble pricked the frozen ground where tassels had once waved in +the hot, summer wind. We flew by row after row of ginger-bread, suburban +houses built on "villa plots," and I read in large letters on a hideous +sign-board, "Woodbine Park." + +"Hugh, have you ever heard anything against--Mr. Watling?" + +"No, mother," I said. "So far as I knew, he is very much looked up to by +lawyers and business men. He is counsel, I believe, for Mr. Blackwood's +street car line on Boyne Street. And I told you, I believe, that I met +him once at Mr. Kyme's." + +"Poor Robert!" she sighed. "I suppose business trouble does make one +bitter,--I've seen it so often. But I never imagined that it would +overtake Robert, and at his time of life! It is an old and respected +firm, and we have always had a pride in it." ... + +That night, when I was going to bed, it was evident that the subject was +still in her mind. She clung to my hand a moment. + +"I, too, am afraid of the new, Hugh," she said, a little tremulously. "We +all grow so, as age comes on." + +"But you are not old, mother," I protested. + +"I have a feeling, since your father has gone, that I have lived my life, +my dear, though I'd like to stay long enough to see you happily +married--to have grandchildren. I was not young when you were born." And +she added, after a little while, "I know nothing about business affairs, +and now--now that your father is no longer here, sometimes I'm afraid--" + +"Afraid of what, mother?" + +She tried to smile at me through her tears. We were in the old +sitting-room, surrounded by the books. + +"I know it's foolish, and it isn't that I don't trust you. I know that +the son of your father couldn't do anything that was not honourable. And +yet I am afraid of what the world is becoming. The city is growing so +fast, and so many new people are coming in. Things are not the same. +Robert is right, there. And I have heard your father say the same thing. +Hugh, promise me that you will try to remember always what he was, and +what he would wish you to be!" + +"I will, mother," I answered. "But I think you would find that Cousin +Robert exaggerates a little, makes things seem worse than they really +are. Customs change, you know. And politics were never well--Sunday +schools." I, too, smiled a little. "Father knew that. And he would never +take an active part in them." + +"He was too fine!" she exclaimed. + +"And now," I continued, "Cousin Robert has happened to come in contact +with them through business. That is what has made the difference in him. +Before, he always knew they were corrupt, but he rarely thought about +them." + +"Hugh," she said suddenly, after a pause, "you must remember one +thing,--that you can afford to be independent. I thank God that your +father has provided for that!" + +I was duly admitted, the next autumn, to the bar of my own state, and was +assigned to a desk in the offices of Watling, Fowndes and Ripon. Larry +Weed was my immediate senior among the apprentices, and Larry was a +hero-worshipper. I can see him now. He suggested a bullfrog as he sat in +the little room we shared in common, his arms akimbo over a law book, his +little legs doubled under him, his round, eyes fixed expectantly on the +doorway. And even if I had not been aware of my good fortune in being +connected with such a firm as Theodore Watling's, Larry would shortly +have brought it home to me. During those weeks when I was making my first +desperate attempts at briefing up the law I was sometimes interrupted by +his exclamations when certain figures went by in the corridor. + +"Say, Hugh, do you know who that was?" + +"No." + +"Miller Gorse." + +"Who's he?" + +"Do you mean to say you never heard of Miller Gorse?" + +"I've been away a long time," I would answer apologetically. A person of +some importance among my contemporaries at Harvard, I had looked forward +to a residence in my native city with the complacency of one who has seen +something of the world,--only to find that I was the least in the new +kingdom. And it was a kingdom. Larry opened up to me something of the +significance and extent of it, something of the identity of the men who +controlled it. + +"Miller Gorse," he said impressively, "is the counsel for the railroad." + +"What railroad? You mean the--" I was adding, when he interrupted me +pityingly. + +"After you've been here a while you'll find out there's only one railroad +in this state, so far as politics are concerned. The Ashuela and +Northern, the Lake Shore and the others don't count." + +I refrained from asking any more questions at that time, but afterwards I +always thought of the Railroad as spelled with a capital. + +"Miller Gorse isn't forty yet," Larry told me on another occasion. +"That's doing pretty well for a man who comes near running this state." + +For the sake of acquiring knowledge, I endured Mr. Weed's patronage. I +inquired how Mr. Gorse ran the state. + +"Oh, you'll find out soon enough," he assured me. + +"But Mr. Barbour's president of the Railroad." + +"Sure. Once in a while they take something up to him, but as a rule he +leaves things to Gorse." + +Whereupon I resolved to have a good look at Mr. Gorse at the first +opportunity. One day Mr. Watling sent out for some papers. + +"He's in there now;" said Larry. "You take 'em." + +"In there" meant Mr. Watling's sanctum. And in there he was. I had only a +glance at the great man, for, with a kindly but preoccupied "Thank you, +Hugh," Mr. Watling took the papers and dismissed me. Heaviness, blackness +and impassivity,--these were the impressions of Mr. Gorse which I carried +away from that first meeting. The very solidity of his flesh seemed to +suggest the solidity of his position. Such, say the psychologists, is the +effect of prestige. + +I remember well an old-fashioned picture puzzle in one of my boyhood +books. The scene depicted was to all appearances a sylvan, peaceful one, +with two happy lovers seated on a log beside a brook; but presently, as +one gazed at the picture, the head of an animal stood forth among the +branches, and then the body; more animals began to appear, bit by bit; a +tiger, a bear, a lion, a jackal, a fox, until at last, whenever I looked +at the page, I did not see the sylvan scene at all, but only the +predatory beasts of the forest. So, one by one, the figures of the real +rulers of the city superimposed themselves for me upon the simple and +democratic design of Mayor, Council, Board of Aldermen, Police Force, +etc., that filled the eye of a naive and trusting electorate which fondly +imagined that it had something to say in government. Miller Gorse was one +of these rulers behind the screen, and Adolf Scherer, of the Boyne Iron +Works, another; there was Leonard Dickinson of the Corn National Bank; +Frederick Grierson, becoming wealthy in city real estate; Judah B. +Tallant, who, though outlawed socially, was deferred to as the owner of +the Morning Era; and even Ralph Hambleton, rapidly superseding the +elderly and conservative Mr. Lord, who had hitherto managed the great +Hambleton estate. Ralph seemed to have become, in a somewhat gnostic +manner, a full-fledged financier. Not having studied law, he had been +home for four years when I became a legal fledgling, and during the early +days of my apprenticeship I was beholden to him for many "eye openers" +concerning the conduct of great affairs. I remember him sauntering into +my room one morning when Larry Weed had gone out on an errand. + +"Hello, Hughie," he said, with his air of having nothing to do. "Grinding +it out? Where's Watling?" + +"Isn't he in his office?" + +"No." + +"Well, what can we do for you?" I asked. + +Ralph grinned. + +"Perhaps I'll tell you when you're a little older. You're too young." And +he sank down into Larry Weed's chair, his long legs protruding on the +other side of the table. "It's a matter of taxes. Some time ago I found +out that Dickinson and Tallant and others I could mention were paying a +good deal less on their city property than we are. We don't propose to do +it any more--that's all." + +"How can Mr. Watling help you?" I inquired. + +"Well, I don't mind giving you a few tips about your profession, Hughie. +I'm going to get Watling to fix it up with the City Hall gang. Old Lord +doesn't like it, I'll admit, and when I told him we had been contributing +to the city long enough, that I proposed swinging into line with other +property holders, he began to blubber about disgrace and what my +grandfather would say if he were alive. Well, he isn't alive. A good deal +of water has flowed under the bridges since his day. It's a mere matter +of business, of getting your respectable firm to retain a City Hall +attorney to fix it up with the assessor." + +"How about the penitentiary?" I ventured, not too seriously. + +"I shan't go to the penitentiary, neither will Watling. What I do is to +pay a lawyer's fee. There isn't anything criminal in that, is there?" + +For some time after Ralph had departed I sat reflecting upon this new +knowledge, and there came into my mind the bitterness of Cousin Robert +Breck against this City Hall gang, and his remarks about lawyers. I +recalled the tone in which he had referred to Mr. Watling. But Ralph's +philosophy easily triumphed. Why not be practical, and become master of a +situation which one had not made, and could not alter, instead of being +overwhelmed by it? Needless to say, I did not mention the conversation to +Mr. Watling, nor did he dwindle in my estimation. These necessary +transactions did not interfere in any way with his personal +relationships, and his days were filled with kindnesses. And was not Mr. +Ripon, the junior partner, one of the evangelical lights of the +community, conducting advanced Bible classes every week in the Church of +the Redemption?... The unfolding of mysteries kept me alert. And I +understood that, if I was to succeed, certain esoteric knowledge must be +acquired, as it were, unofficially. I kept my eyes and ears open, and +applied myself, with all industry, to the routine tasks with which every +young man in a large legal firm is familiar. I recall distinctly my pride +when, the Board of Aldermen having passed an ordinance lowering the water +rates, I was intrusted with the responsibility of going before the court +in behalf of Mr. Ogilvy's water company, obtaining a temporary +restricting order preventing the ordinance from going at once into +effect. Here was an affair in point. Were it not for lawyers of the +calibre of Watling, Fowndes and Ripon, hard-earned private property would +soon be confiscated by the rapacious horde. Once in a while I was made +aware that Mr. Watling had his eye on me. + +"Well, Hugh," he would say, "how are you getting along? That's right, +stick to it, and after a while we'll hand the drudgery over to somebody +else." + +He possessed the supreme quality of a leader of men in that he took pains +to inform himself concerning the work of the least of his subordinates; +and he had the gift of putting fire into a young man by a word or a touch +of the hand on the shoulder. It was not difficult for me, therefore, to +comprehend Larry Weed's hero-worship, the loyalty of other members of the +firm or of those occupants of the office whom I have not mentioned. My +first impression of him, which I had got at Jerry Kyme's, deepened as +time went on, and I readily shared the belief of those around me that his +legal talents easily surpassed those of any of his contemporaries. I can +recall, at this time, several noted cases in the city when I sat in court +listening to his arguments with thrills of pride. He made us all feel--no +matter how humble may have been our contributions to the +preparation--that we had a share in his triumphs. We remembered his +manner with judges and juries, and strove to emulate it. He spoke as if +there could be no question as to his being right as to the law and the +facts, and yet, in some subtle way that bated analysis, managed not to +antagonize the court. Victory was in the air in that office. I do not +mean to say there were not defeats; but frequently these defeats, by +resourcefulness, by a never-say-die spirit, by a consummate knowledge, +not only of the law, but of other things at which I have hinted, were +turned into ultimate victories. We fought cases from one court to +another, until our opponents were worn out or the decision was reversed. +We won, and that spirit of winning got into the blood. What was most +impressed on me in those early years, I think, was the discovery that +there was always a path--if one were clever enough to find it--from one +terrace to the next higher. Staying power was the most prized of all the +virtues. One could always, by adroitness, compel a legal opponent to +fight the matter out all over again on new ground, or at least on ground +partially new. If the Court of Appeals should fail one, there was the +Supreme Court; there was the opportunity, also, to shift from the state +to the federal courts; and likewise the much-prized device known as a +change of venue, when a judge was supposed to be "prejudiced." + + + + +IX. + +As my apprenticeship advanced I grew more and more to the inhabitants of +our city into two kinds, the who were served, and the inefficient, who +were separate efficient, neglected; but the mental process of which the +classification was the result was not so deliberate as may be supposed. +Sometimes, when an important client would get into trouble, the affair +took me into the police court, where I saw the riff-raff of the city +penned up, waiting to have justice doled out to them: weary women who had +spent the night in cells, indifferent now as to the front they presented +to the world, the finery rued that they had tended so carefully to catch +the eyes of men on the darkened streets; brazen young girls, who blazed +forth defiance to all order; derelict men, sodden and hopeless, with +scrubby beards; shifty looking burglars and pickpockets. All these I +beheld, at first with twinges of pity, later to mass them with the ugly +and inevitable with whom society had to deal somehow. Lawyers, after all, +must be practical men. I came to know the justices of these police +courts, as well as other judges. And underlying my acquaintance with all +of them was the knowledge--though not on the threshold of my +consciousness--that they depended for their living, every man of them, +those who were appointed and those who were elected, upon a political +organization which derived its sustenance from the element whence came +our clients. Thus by degrees the sense of belonging to a special +priesthood had grown on me. + +I recall an experience with that same Mr. Nathan. Weill, the wholesale +grocer of whose commerce with the City Hall my Cousin Robert Breck had so +bitterly complained. Late one afternoon Mr. Weill's carriage ran over a +child on its way up-town through one of the poorer districts. The +parents, naturally, were frantic, and the coachman was arrested. This was +late in the afternoon, and I was alone in the office when the telephone +rang. Hurrying to the police station, I found Mr. Weill in a state of +excitement and abject fear, for an ugly crowd had gathered outside. + +"Could not Mr. Watling or Mr. Fowndes come?" demanded the grocer. + +With an inner contempt for the layman's state of mind on such occasions I +assured him of my competency to handle the case. He was impressed, I +think, by the sergeant's deference, who knew what it meant to have such +an office as ours interfere with the affair. I called up the prosecuting +attorney, who sent to Monahan's saloon, close by, and procured a release +for the coachman on his own recognizance, one of many signed in blank and +left there by the justice for privileged cases. The coachman was hustled +out by a back door, and the crowd dispersed. + +The next morning, while a score or more of delinquents sat in the anxious +seats, Justice Garry recognized me and gave me precedence. And Mr. Weill, +with a sigh of relief, paid his fine. + +"Mr. Paret, is it?" he asked, as we stood together for a moment on the +sidewalk outside the court. "You have managed this well. I will +remember." + +He was sued, of course. When he came to the office he insisted on +discussing the case with Mr. Watling, who sent for me. + +"That is a bright young man," Mr. Weill declared, shaking my hand. "He +will get on." + +"Some day," said Mr. Watling, "he may save you a lot of money, Weill." + +"When my friend Mr. Watling is United States Senator,--eh?" + +Mr. Watling laughed. "Before that, I hope. I advise you to compromise +this suit, Weill," he added. "How would a thousand dollars strike you? +I've had Paret look up the case, and he tells me the little girl has had +to have an operation." + +"A thousand dollars!" cried the grocer. "What right have these people to +let their children play on the streets? It's an outrage." + +"Where else have the children to play?" Mr. Watling touched his arm. +"Weill," he said gently, "suppose it had been your little girl?" The +grocer pulled out his handkerchief and mopped his bald forehead. But he +rallied a little. + +"You fight these damage cases for the street railroads all through the +courts." + +"Yes," Mr. Watling agreed, "but there a principle is involved. If the +railroads once got into the way of paying damages for every careless +employee, they would soon be bankrupt through blackmail. But here you +have a child whose father is a poor janitor and can't afford sickness. +And your coachman, I imagine, will be more particular in the future." + +In the end Mr. Weill made out a cheque and departed in a good humour, +convinced that he was well out of the matter. Here was one of many +instances I could cite of Mr. Watling's tenderness of heart. I felt, +moreover, as if he had done me a personal favour, since it was I who had +recommended the compromise. For I had been to the hospital and had seen +the child on the cot,--a dark little thing, lying still in her pain, with +the bewildered look of a wounded animal.... + +Not long after this incident of Mr. Weill's damage suit I obtained a more +or less definite promotion by the departure of Larry Weed. He had +suddenly developed a weakness of the lungs. Mr. Watling got him a place +in Denver, and paid his expenses west. + +The first six or seven years I spent in the office of Wading, Fowndes and +Ripon were of importance to my future career, but there is little to +relate of them. I was absorbed not only in learning law, but in acquiring +that esoteric knowledge at which I have hinted--not to be had from my +seniors and which I was convinced was indispensable to a successful and +lucrative practice. My former comparison of the organization of our city +to a picture puzzle wherein the dominating figures become visible only +after long study is rather inadequate. A better analogy would be the +human anatomy: we lawyers, of course, were the brains; the financial and +industrial interests the body, helpless without us; the City Hall +politicians, the stomach that must continually be fed. All three, law, +politics and business, were interdependent, united by a nervous system +too complex to be developed here. In these years, though I worked hard +and often late, I still found time for convivialities, for social +gaieties, yet little by little without realizing the fact, I was losing +zest for the companionship of my former intimates. My mind was becoming +polarized by the contemplation of one object, success, and to it human +ties were unconsciously being sacrificed. + +Tom Peters began to feel this, even at a time when I believed myself +still to be genuinely fond of him. Considering our respective +temperaments in youth, it is curious that he should have been the first +to fall in love and marry. One day he astonished me by announcing his +engagement to Susan Blackwood. + +"That ends the liquor, Hughie," he told me, beamingly. "I promised her +I'd eliminate it." + +He did eliminate it, save for mild relapses on festive occasions. A more +seemingly incongruous marriage could scarcely be imagined, and yet it was +a success from the start. From a slim, silent, self-willed girl Susan had +grown up into a tall, rather rawboned and energetic young woman. She was +what we called in those days "intellectual," and had gone in for +kindergartens, and after her marriage she turned out to be excessively +domestic; practising her theories, with entire success, upon a family +that showed a tendency to increase at an alarming rate. Tom, needless to +say, did not become intellectual. He settled down--prematurely, I +thought--into what is known as a family man, curiously content with the +income he derived from the commission business and with life in general; +and he developed a somewhat critical view of the tendencies of the +civilization by which he was surrounded. Susan held it also, but she said +less about it. In the comfortable but unpretentious house they rented on +Cedar Street we had many discussions, after the babies had been put to +bed and the door of the living-room closed, in order that our voices +might not reach the nursery. Perry Blackwood, now Tom's brother-in-law, +was often there. He, too, had lapsed into what I thought was an odd +conservatism. Old Josiah, his father, being dead, he occupied himself +mainly with looking after certain family interests, among which was the +Boyne Street car line. Among "business men" he was already getting the +reputation of being a little difficult to deal with. I was often the +subject of their banter, and presently I began to suspect that they +regarded my career and beliefs with some concern. This gave me no +uneasiness, though at limes I lost my temper. I realized their affection +for me; but privately I regarded them as lacking in ambition, in force, +in the fighting qualities necessary for achievement in this modern age. +Perhaps, unconsciously, I pitied them a little. + +"How is Judah B. to-day, Hughie?" Tom would inquire. "I hear you've put +him up for the Boyne Club, now that Mr. Watling has got him out of that +libel suit." + +"Carter Ives is dead," Perry would add, sarcastically, "let bygones be +bygones." + +It was well known that Mr. Tallant, in the early days of his newspaper, +had blackmailed Mr. Ives out of some hundred thousand dollars. And that +this, more than any other act, stood in the way, with certain +recalcitrant gentlemen, of his highest ambition, membership in the Boyne. + +"The trouble with you fellows is that you refuse to deal with conditions +as you find them," I retorted. "We didn't make them, and we can't change +them. Tallant's a factor in the business life of this city, and he has to +be counted with." + +Tom would shake his head exasperatingly. + +"Why don't you get after Ralph?" I demanded. "He doesn't antagonize +Tallant, either." + +"Ralph's hopeless," said Tom. "He was born a pirate, you weren't, Hughie. +We think there's a chance for his salvation, don't we, Perry?" + +I refused to accept the remark as flattering. + +Another object of their assaults was Frederick Grierson, who by this time +had emerged from obscurity as a small dealer in real estate into a +manipulator of blocks and corners. + +"I suppose you think it's a lawyer's business to demand an ethical bill +of health of every client," I said. "I won't stand up for all of +Tallant's career, of course, but Mr. Wading has a clear right to take his +cases. As for Grierson, it seems to me that's a matter of giving a dog a +bad name. Just because his people weren't known here, and because he has +worked up from small beginnings. To get down to hard-pan, you fellows +don't believe in democracy,--in giving every man a chance to show what's +in him." + +"Democracy is good!" exclaimed Perry. "If the kind of thing we're coming +to is democracy, God save the state!"... + +On the other hand I found myself drawing closer to Ralph Hambleton, +sometimes present at these debates, as the only one of my boyhood friends +who seemed to be able to "deal with conditions as he found them." Indeed, +he gave one the impression that, if he had had the making of them, he +would not have changed them. + +"What the deuce do you expect?" I once heard him inquire with +good-natured contempt. "Business isn't charity, it's war. + +"There are certain things," maintained Perry, stoutly, "that gentlemen +won't do." + +"Gentlemen!" exclaimed Ralph, stretching his slim six feet two: We were +sitting in the Boyne Club. "It's ungentlemanly to kill, or burn a town or +sink a ship, but we keep armies and navies for the purpose. For a man +with a good mind, Perry, you show a surprising inability to think things, +out to a logical conclusion. What the deuce is competition, when you come +down to it? Christianity? Not by a long shot! If our nations are +slaughtering men and starving populations in other countries,--are +carried on, in fact, for the sake of business, if our churches are filled +with business men and our sky pilots pray for the government, you can't +expect heathen individuals like me to do business on a Christian +basis,--if there is such a thing. You can make rules for croquet, but not +for a game that is based on the natural law of the survival of the +fittest. The darned fools in the legislatures try it occasionally, but we +all know it's a sop to the 'common people.' Ask Hughie here if there ever +was a law put on the statute books that his friend Watling couldn't get +'round'? Why, you've got competition even among the churches. Yours, +where I believe you teach in the Sunday school, would go bankrupt if it +proclaimed real Christianity. And you'll go bankrupt if you practise it, +Perry, my boy. Some early, wide-awake, competitive, red-blooded bird will +relieve you of the Boyne Street car line." + +It was one of this same new and "fittest" species who had already +relieved poor Mr. McAlery Willett of his fortune. Mr. Willett was a +trusting soul who had never known how to take care of himself or his +money, people said, and now that he had lost it they blamed him. Some had +been saved enough for him and Nancy to live on in the old house, with +careful economy. It was Nancy who managed the economy, who accomplished +remarkable things with a sum they would have deemed poverty in former +days. Her mother had died while I was at Cambridge. Reverses did not +subdue Mr. Willett's spirits, and the fascination modern "business" had +for him seemed to grow in proportion to the misfortunes it had caused +him. He moved into a tiny office in the Durrett Building, where he +appeared every morning about half-past ten to occupy himself with heaven +knows what short cuts to wealth, with prospectuses of companies in Mexico +or Central America or some other distant place: once, I remember, it was +a tea, company in which he tried to interest his friends, to raise in the +South a product he maintained would surpass Orange Pekoe. In the +afternoon between three and four he would turn up at the Boyne Club, as +well groomed, as spruce as ever, generally with a flower in his +buttonhole. He never forgot that he was a gentleman, and he had a +gentleman's notions of the fitness of things, and it was against his +principles to use, a gentleman's club for the furtherance of his various +enterprises. + +"Drop into my office some day, Dickinson," he would say. "I think I've +got something there that might interest you!" + +He reminded me, when I met him, that he had always predicted I would get +along in life.... + +The portrait of Nancy at this period is not so easily drawn. The decline +of the family fortunes seemed to have had as little effect upon her as +upon her father, although their characters differed sharply. Something of +that spontaneity, of that love of life and joy in it she had possessed in +youth she must have inherited from McAlery Willett, but these qualities +had disappeared in her long before the coming of financial reverses. She +was nearing thirty, and in spite of her beauty and the rarer distinction +that can best be described as breeding, she had never married. Men +admired her, but from a distance; she kept them at arm's length, they +said: strangers who visited the city invariably picked her out of an +assembly and asked who she was; one man from New York who came to visit +Ralph and who had been madly in love with her, she had amazed many people +by refusing, spurning all he might have given her. This incident seemed a +refutation of the charge that she was calculating. As might have been +foretold, she had the social gift in a remarkable degree, and in spite of +the limitations of her purse the knack of dressing better than other +women, though at that time the organization of our social life still +remained comparatively simple, the custom of luxurious and expensive +entertainment not having yet set in. + +The more I reflect upon those days, the more surprising does it seem that +I was not in love with her. It may be that I was, unconsciously, for she +troubled my thoughts occasionally, and she represented all the qualities +I admired in her sex. The situation that had existed at the time of our +first and only quarrel had been reversed, I was on the highroad to the +worldly success I had then resolved upon, Nancy was poor, and for that +reason, perhaps, prouder than ever. If she was inaccessible to others, +she had the air of being peculiarly inaccessible to me--the more so +because some of the superficial relics of our intimacy remained, or +rather had been restored. Her very manner of camaraderie seemed +paradoxically to increase the distance between us. It piqued me. Had she +given me the least encouragement, I am sure I should have responded; and +I remember that I used occasionally to speculate as to whether she still +cared for me, and took this method of hiding her real feelings. Yet, on +the whole, I felt a certain complacency about it all; I knew that +suffering was disagreeable, I had learned how to avoid it, and I may have +had, deep within me, a feeling that I might marry her after all. +Meanwhile my life was full, and gave promise of becoming even fuller, +more absorbing and exciting in the immediate future. + +One of the most fascinating figures, to me, of that Order being woven, +like a cloth of gold, out of our hitherto drab civilization,--an Order +into which I was ready and eager to be initiated,--was that of Adolf +Scherer, the giant German immigrant at the head of the Boyne Iron Works. +His life would easily lend itself to riotous romance. In the old country, +in a valley below the castle perched on the rack above, he had begun life +by tending his father's geese. What a contrast to "Steeltown" with its +smells and sickening summer heat, to the shanty where Mrs. Scherer took +boarders and bent over the wash-tub! She, too, was an immigrant, but +lived to hear her native Wagner from her own box at Covent Garden; and he +to explain, on the deck of an imperial yacht, to the man who might have +been his sovereign certain processes in the manufacture of steel hitherto +untried on that side of the Atlantic. In comparison with Adolf Scherer, +citizen of a once despised democracy, the minor prince in whose dominions +he had once tended geese was of small account indeed! + +The Adolf Scherer of that day--though it is not so long ago as time +flies--was even more solid and impressive than the man he afterwards +became, when he reached the dizzier heights from which he delivered to an +eager press opinions on politics and war, eugenics and woman's suffrage +and other subjects that are the despair of specialists. Had he stuck to +steel, he would have remained invulnerable. But even then he was +beginning to abandon the field of production for that of exploitation: +figuratively speaking, he had taken to soap, which with the aid of water +may be blown into beautiful, iridescent bubbles to charm the eye. Much +good soap, apparently, has gone that way, never to be recovered. +Everybody who was anybody began to blow bubbles about that time, and the +bigger the bubble the greater its attraction for investors of hard-earned +savings. Outside of this love for financial iridescence, let it be +called, Mr. Scherer seemed to care little then for glitter of any sort. +Shortly after his elevation to the presidency of the Boyne Iron Works he +had been elected a member of the Boyne Club,--an honour of which, some +thought, he should have been more sensible; but generally, when in town, +he preferred to lunch at a little German restaurant annexed to a saloon, +where I used often to find him literally towering above the cloth,--for +he was a giant with short legs,--his napkin tucked into his shirt front, +engaged in lively conversation with the ministering Heinrich. The chef at +the club, Mr. Scherer insisted, could produce nothing equal to Heinrich's +sauer-kraut and sausage. My earliest relationship with Mr. Scherer was +that of an errand boy, of bringing to him for his approval papers which +might not be intrusted to a common messenger. His gruffness and brevity +disturbed me more than I cared to confess. I was pretty sure that he eyed +me with the disposition of the self-made to believe that college +educations and good tailors were the heaviest handicaps with which a +young man could be burdened: and I suspected him of an inimical attitude +toward the older families of the city. Certain men possessed his +confidence; and he had built, as it were, a stockade about them, sternly +keeping the rest of the world outside. In Theodore Watling he had a +childlike faith. + +Thus I studied him, with a deliberation which it is the purpose of these +chapters to confess, though he little knew that he was being made the +subject of analysis. Nor did I ever venture to talk with him, but held +strictly to my role of errand boy,--even after the conviction came over +me that he was no longer indifferent to my presence. The day arrived, +after some years, when he suddenly thrust toward me a big, hairy hand +that held the document he was examining. + +"Who drew this, Mr. Paret!" he demanded. + +Mr. Ripon, I told him. + +The Boyne Works were buying up coal-mines, and this was a contract +looking to the purchase of one in Putman County, provided, after a +certain period of working, the yield and quality should come up to +specifications. Mr. Scherer requested me to read one of the sections, +which puzzled him. And in explaining it an idea flashed over me. + +"Do you mind my making a suggestion, Mr. Scherer?" I ventured. + +"What is it?" he asked brusquely. + +I showed him how, by the alteration of a few words, the difficulty to +which he had referred could not only be eliminated, but that certain +possible penalties might be evaded, while the apparent meaning of the +section remained unchanged. In other words, it gave the Boyne Iron Works +an advantage that was not contemplated. He seized the paper, stared at +what I had written in pencil on the margin, and then stared at me. +Abruptly, he began to laugh. + +"Ask Mr. Wading what he thinks of it?" + +"I intended to, provided it had your approval, sir," I replied. + +"You have my approval, Mr. Paret," he declared, rather cryptically, and +with the slight German hardening of the v's into which he relapsed at +times. "Bring it to the Works this afternoon." + +Mr. Wading agreed to the alteration. He looked at me amusedly. + +"Yes, I think that's an improvement, Hugh," he said. I had a feeling that +I had gained ground, and from this time on I thought I detected a change +in his attitude toward me; there could be no doubt about the new attitude +of Mr. Scherer, who would often greet me now with a smile and a joke, and +sometimes went so far as to ask my opinions.... Then, about six months +later, came the famous Ribblevale case that aroused the moral indignation +of so many persons, among whom was Perry Blackwood. + +"You know as well as I do, Hugh, how this thing is being manipulated," he +declared at Tom's one Sunday evening; "there was nothing the matter with +the Ribblevale Steel Company--it was as right as rain before Leonard +Dickinson and Grierson and Scherer and that crowd you train with began to +talk it down at the Club. Oh, they're very compassionate. I've heard 'em. +Dickinson, privately, doesn't think much of Ribblevale paper, and Pugh" +(the president of the Ribblevale) "seems worried and looks badly. It's +all very clever, but I'd hate to tell you in plain words what I'd call +it." + +"Go ahead," I challenged him audaciously. "You haven't any proof that the +Ribblevale wasn't in trouble." + +"I heard Mr. Pugh tell my father the other day it was a d--d outrage. He +couldn't catch up with these rumours, and some of his stockholders were +liquidating." + +"You, don't suppose Pugh would want to admit his situation, do you?" I +asked. + +"Pugh's a straight man," retorted Perry. "That's more than I can say for +any of the other gang, saving your presence. The unpleasant truth is that +Scherer and the Boyne people want the Ribblevale, and you ought to know +it if you don't." He looked at me very hard through the glasses he had +lately taken to wearing. Tom, who was lounging by the fire, shifted his +position uneasily. I smiled, and took another cigar. + +"I believe Ralph is right, Perry, when he calls you a sentimentalist. For +you there's a tragedy behind every ordinary business transaction. The +Ribblevale people are having a hard time to keep their heads above water, +and immediately you smell conspiracy. Dickinson and Scherer have been +talking it down. How about it, Tom?" + +But Tom, in these debates, was inclined to be noncommittal, although it +was clear they troubled him. + +"Oh, don't ask me, Hughie," he said. + +"I suppose I ought to cultivate the scientific point of view, and look +with impartial interest at this industrial cannibalism," returned Perry, +sarcastically. "Eat or be eaten that's what enlightened self-interest has +come to. After all, Ralph would say, it is nature, the insect world over +again, the victim duped and crippled before he is devoured, and the +lawyer--how shall I put it?--facilitating the processes of swallowing and +digesting...." + +There was no use arguing with Perry when he was in this vein.... + +Since I am not writing a technical treatise, I need not go into the +details of the Ribblevale suit. Since it to say that the affair, after a +while, came apparently to a deadlock, owing to the impossibility of +getting certain definite information from the Ribblevale books, which had +been taken out of the state. The treasurer, for reasons of his own, +remained out of the state also; the ordinary course of summoning him +before a magistrate in another state had naturally been resorted to, but +the desired evidence was not forthcoming. + +"The trouble is," Mr. Wading explained to Mr. Scherer, "that there is no +law in the various states with a sufficient penalty attached that will +compel the witness to divulge facts he wishes to conceal." + +It was the middle of a February afternoon, and they were seated in deep, +leather chairs in one corner of the reading room of the Boyne Club. They +had the place to themselves. Fowndes was there also, one leg twisted +around the other in familiar fashion, a bored look on his long and sallow +face. Mr. Wading had telephoned to the office for me to bring them some +papers bearing on the case. + +"Sit down, Hugh," he said kindly. + +"Now we have present a genuine legal mind," said Mr. Scherer, in the +playful manner he had adopted of late, while I grinned appreciatively and +took a chair. Mr. Watling presently suggested kidnapping the Ribblevale +treasurer until he should promise to produce the books as the only way +out of what seemed an impasse. But Mr. Scherer brought down a huge fist +on his knee. + +"I tell you it is no joke, Watling, we've got to win that suit," he +asserted. + +"That's all very well," replied Mr. Watling. "But we're a respectable +firm, you know. We haven't had to resort to safe-blowing, as yet." + +Mr. Scherer shrugged his shoulders, as much as to say it were a matter of +indifference to him what methods were resorted to. Mr. Watling's eyes met +mine; his glance was amused, yet I thought I read in it a query as to the +advisability, in my presence, of going too deeply into the question of +ways and means. I may have been wrong. At any rate, its sudden effect was +to embolden me to give voice to an idea that had begun to simmer in my +mind, that excited me, and yet I had feared to utter it. This look of my +chief's, and the lighter tone the conversation had taken decided me. + +"Why wouldn't it be possible to draw up a bill to fit the situation?" I +inquired. + +Mr. Wading started. + +"What do you mean?" he asked quickly. + +All three looked at me. I felt the blood come into my face, but it was +too late to draw back. + +"Well--the legislature is in session. And since, as Mr. Watling says, +there is no sufficient penalty in other states to compel the witness to +produce the information desired, why not draw up a bill and--and have it +passed--" I paused for breath--"imposing a sufficient penalty on home +corporations in the event of such evasions. The Ribblevale Steel Company +is a home corporation." + +I had shot my bolt.... There followed what was for me an anxious silence, +while the three of them continued to stare at me. Mr. Watling put the +tips of his fingers together, and I became aware that he was not +offended, that he was thinking rapidly. + +"By George, why not, Fowndes?" he demanded. + +"Well," said Fowndes, "there's an element of risk in such a proceeding I +need not dwell upon." + +"Risk!" cried the senior partner vigorously. "There's risk in everything. +They'll howl, of course. But they howl anyway, and nobody ever listens to +them. They'll say it's special legislation, and the Pilot will print +sensational editorials for a few days. But what of it? All of that has +happened before. I tell you, if we can't see those books, we'll lose the +suit. That's in black and white. And, as a matter of justice, we're +entitled to know what we want to know." + +"There might be two opinions as to that," observed Fowndes, with his +sardonic smile. + +Mr. Watling paid no attention to this remark. He was already deep in +thought. It was characteristic of his mind to leap forward, seize a +suggestion that often appeared chimerical to a man like Fowndes and turn +it into an accomplished Fact. "I believe you've hit it, Hugh," he said. +"We needn't bother about the powers of the courts in other states. We'll +put into this bill an appeal to our court for an order on the clerk to +compel the witness to come before the court and testify, and we'll +provide for a special commissioner to take depositions in the state where +the witness is. If the officers of a home corporation who are outside of +the state refuse to testify, the penalty will be that the ration goes +into the hands of a receiver." + +Fowndes whistled. + +"That's going some!" he said. + +"Well, we've got to go some. How about it, Scherer?" + +Even Mr. Scherer's brown eyes were snapping. + +"We have got to win that suit, Watling." + +We were all excited, even Fowndes, I think, though he remained +expressionless. Ours was the tense excitement of primitive man in chase: +the quarry which had threatened to elude us was again in view, and not +unlikely to fall into our hands. Add to this feeling, on my part, the +thrill that it was I who had put them on the scent. I had all the +sensations of an aspiring young brave who for the first time is admitted +to the councils of the tribe! + +"It ought to be a popular bill, too," Mr. Schemer was saying, with a +smile of ironic appreciation at the thought of demagogues advocating it. +"We should have one of Lawler's friends introduce it." + +"Oh, we shall have it properly introduced," replied Mr. Wading. + +"It may come back at us," suggested Fowndes pessimistically. "The Boyne +Iron Works is a home corporation too, if I am not mistaken." + +"The Boyne Iron Works has the firm of Wading, Fowndes and Ripon behind +it," asserted Mr. Scherer, with what struck me as a magnificent faith. + +"You mustn't forget Paret," Mr. Watling reminded him, with a wink at me. + +We had risen. Mr. Scherer laid a hand on my arm. + +"No, no, I do not forget him. He will not permit me to forget him." + +A remark, I thought, that betrayed some insight into my character... Mr. +Watling called for pen and paper and made then and there a draft of the +proposed bill, for no time was to be lost. It was dark when we left the +Club, and I recall the elation I felt and strove to conceal as I +accompanied my chief back to the office. The stenographers and clerks +were gone; alone in the library we got down the statutes and set to work. +to perfect the bill from the rough draft, on which Mr. Fowndes had +written his suggestions. I felt that a complete yet subtle change had +come over my relationship with Mr. Watling. + +In the midst of our labours he asked me to call up the attorney for the +Railroad. Mr. Gorse was still at his office. + +"Hello! Is that you, Miller?" Mr. Watling said. "This is Wading. When can +I see you for a few minutes this evening? Yes, I am leaving for +Washington at nine thirty. Eight o'clock. All right, I'll be there." + +It was almost eight before he got the draft finished to his satisfaction, +and I had picked it out on the typewriter. As I handed it to him, my +chief held it a moment, gazing at me with an odd smile. + +"You seem to have acquired a good deal of useful knowledge, here and +there, Hugh," he observed. + +"I've tried to keep my eyes open, Mr. Watling," I said. + +"Well," he said, "there are a great many things a young man practising +law in these days has to learn for himself. And if I hadn't given you +credit for some cleverness, I shouldn't have wanted you here. There's +only one way to look at--at these matters we have been discussing, my +boy, that's the common-sense way, and if a man doesn't get that point of +view by himself, nobody can teach it to him. I needn't enlarge upon it" + +"No, sir," I said. + +He smiled again, but immediately became serious. + +"If Mr. Gorse should approve of this bill, I'm going to send you down to +the capital--to-night. Can you go?" + +I nodded. + +"I want you to look out for the bill in the legislature. Of course there +won't be much to do, except to stand by, but you will get a better idea +of what goes on down there." + +I thanked him, and told him I would do my best. + +"I'm sure of that," he replied. "Now it's time to go to see Gorse." + +The legal department of the Railroad occupied an entire floor of the Corn +Bank building. I had often been there on various errands, having on +occasions delivered sealed envelopes to Mr. Gorse himself, approaching +him in the ordinary way through a series of offices. But now, following +Mr. Watling through the dimly lighted corridor, we came to a door on +which no name was painted, and which was presently opened by a +stenographer. There was in the proceeding a touch of mystery that revived +keenly my boyish love for romance; brought back the days when I had been, +in turn, Captain Kidd and Ali Baba. + +I have never realized more strongly than in that moment the psychological +force of prestige. Little by little, for five years, an estimate of the +extent of Miller Gorse's power had been coming home to me, and his +features stood in my mind for his particular kind of power. He was a +tremendous worker, and often remained in his office until ten and eleven +at night. He dismissed the stenographer by the wave of a hand which +seemed to thrust her bodily out of the room. + +"Hello, Miller," said Mr. Watling. + +"Hello, Theodore," replied Mr. Gorse. + +"This is Paret, of my office." + +"I know," said Mr. Gorse, and nodded toward me. I was impressed by the +felicity with which a cartoonist of the Pilot had once caricatured him by +the use of curved lines. The circle of the heavy eyebrows ended at the +wide nostrils; the mouth was a crescent, but bowed downwards; the heavy +shoulders were rounded. Indeed, the only straight line to be discerned +about him was that of his hair, black as bitumen, banged across his +forehead; even his polished porphyry eyes were constructed on some +curvilinear principle, and never seemed to focus. It might be said of Mr. +Gorse that he had an overwhelming impersonality. One could never be quite +sure that one's words reached the mark. + +In spite of the intimacy which I knew existed between them, in my +presence at least Mr. Gorse's manner was little different with Mr. +Watling than it was with other men. Mr. Wading did not seem to mind. He +pulled up a chair close to the desk and began, without any preliminaries, +to explain his errand. + +"It's about the Ribblevale affair," he said. "You know we have a suit." + +Gorse nodded. + +"We've got to get at the books, Miller,--that's all there is to it. I +told you so the other day. Well, we've found out a way, I think." + +He thrust his hand in his pocket, while the railroad attorney remained +impassive, and drew out the draft of the bill. Mr. Gorse read it, then +read it over again, and laid it down in front of him. + +"Well," he said. + +"I want to put that through both houses and have the governor's signature +to it by the end of the week." + +"It seems a little raw, at first sight, Theodore," said Mr. Gorse, with +the suspicion of a smile. + +My chief laughed a little. + +"It's not half so raw as some things I might mention, that went through +like greased lightning," he replied. "What can they do? I believe it will +hold water. Tallant's, and most of the other newspapers in the state, +won't print a line about it, and only Socialists and Populists read the +Pilot. They're disgruntled anyway. The point is, there's no other way out +for us. Just think a moment, bearing in mind what I've told you about the +case, and you'll see it." + +Mr. Gorse took up the paper again, and read the draft over. + +"You know as well as I do, Miller, how dangerous it is to leave this +Ribblevale business at loose ends. The Carlisle steel people and the Lake +Shore road are after the Ribblevale Company, and we can't afford to run +any risk of their getting it. It's logically a part of the Boyne +interests, as Scherer says, and Dickinson is ready with the money for the +reorganization. If the Carlisle people and the Lake Shore get it, the +product will be shipped out by the L and G, and the Railroad will lose. +What would Barbour say?" + +Mr. Barbour, as I have perhaps mentioned, was the president of the +Railroad, and had his residence in the other great city of the state. He +was then, I knew, in the West. + +"We've got to act now," insisted Mr. Watling. "That's open and shut. If +you have any other plan, I wish you'd trot it out. If not, I want a +letter to Paul Varney and the governor. I'm going to send Paret down with +them on the night train." + +It was clear to me then, in the discussion following, that Mr. Watling's +gift of persuasion, though great, was not the determining factor in Mr. +Gorse's decision. He, too, possessed boldness, though he preferred +caution. Nor did the friendship between the two enter into the +transaction. I was impressed more strongly than ever with the fact that a +lawsuit was seldom a mere private affair between two persons or +corporations, but involved a chain of relationships and nine times out of +ten that chain led up to the Railroad, which nearly always was vitally +interested in these legal contests. Half an hour of masterly presentation +of the situation was necessary before Mr. Gorse became convinced that the +introduction of the bill was the only way out for all concerned. + +"Well, I guess you're right, Theodore," he said at length. Whereupon he +seized his pen and wrote off two notes with great rapidity. These he +showed to Mr. Watling, who nodded and returned them. They were folded and +sealed, and handed to me. One was addressed to Colonel Paul Varney, and +the other to the Hon. W. W. Trulease, governor of the state. + +"You can trust this young man?" demanded Mr. Gorse. + +"I think so," replied Mr. Watling, smiling at me. "The bill was his own +idea." + +The railroad attorney wheeled about in his chair and looked at me; looked +around me, would better express it, with his indefinite, encompassing yet +inclusive glance. I had riveted his attention. And from henceforth, I +knew, I should enter into his calculations. He had made for me a +compartment in his mind. + +"His own idea!" he repeated. + +"I merely suggested it," I was putting in, when he cut me short. + +"Aren't you the son of Matthew Paret?" + +"Yes," I said. + +He gave me a queer glance, the significance of which I left untranslated. +My excitement was too great to analyze what he meant by this mention of +my father.... + +When we reached the sidewalk my chief gave me a few parting instructions. + +"I need scarcely say, Hugh," he added, "that your presence in the capital +should not be advertised as connected with this--legislation. They will +probably attribute it to us in the end, but if you're reasonably careful, +they'll never be able to prove it. And there's no use in putting our +cards on the table at the beginning." + +"No indeed, sir!" I agreed. + +He took my hand and pressed it. + +"Good luck," he said. "I know you'll get along all right." + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Far Country, Book 1, by Winston Churchill + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A FAR COUNTRY, BOOK 1 *** + +***** This file should be named 3736.txt or 3736.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/3/3736/ + +Produced by Pat Castevans and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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The book I am +about to write might aptly be called The Autobiography of a Romanticist. +In that sense, if in no other, I have been a typical American, regarding +my country as the happy hunting-ground of enlightened self-interest, as a +function of my desires. Whether or not I have completely got rid of this +romantic virus I must leave to those the aim of whose existence is to +eradicate it from our literature and our life. A somewhat Augean task! + +I have been impelled therefore to make an attempt at setting forth, with +what frankness and sincerity I may, with those powers of selection of +which I am capable, the life I have lived in this modern America; the +passions I have known, the evils I have done. I endeavour to write a +biography of the inner life; but in order to do this I shall have to +relate those causal experiences of the outer existence that take place in +the world of space and time, in the four walls of the home, in the school +and university, in the noisy streets, in the realm of business and +politics. I shall try to set down, impartially, the motives that have +impelled my actions, to reveal in some degree the amazing mixture of good +and evil which has made me what I am to-day: to avoid the tricks of +memory and resist the inherent desire to present myself other and better +than I am. Your American romanticist is a sentimental spoiled child who +believes in miracles, whose needs are mostly baubles, whose desires are +dreams. Expediency is his motto. Innocent of a knowledge of the +principles of the universe, he lives in a state of ceaseless activity, +admitting no limitations, impatient of all restrictions. What he wants, +he wants very badly indeed. This wanting things was the corner-stone of +my character, and I believe that the science of the future will bear me +out when I say that it might have been differently built upon. Certain +it is that the system of education in vogue in the 70's and 80's never +contemplated the search for natural corner-stones. + +At all events, when I look back upon the boy I was, I see the beginnings +of a real person who fades little by little as manhood arrives and +advances, until suddenly I am aware that a stranger has taken his +place.... + +I lived in a city which is now some twelve hours distant from the +Atlantic seaboard. A very different city, too, it was in youth, in my +grandfather's day and my father's, even in my own boyhood, from what it +has since become in this most material of ages. + +There is a book of my photographs, preserved by my mother, which I have +been looking over lately. First is presented a plump child of two, +gazing in smiling trustfulness upon a world of sunshine; later on a lean +boy in plaided kilts, whose wavy, chestnut-brown hair has been most +carefully parted on the side by Norah, his nurse. The face is still +childish. Then appears a youth of fourteen or thereabout in long +trousers and the queerest of short jackets, standing beside a marble +table against a classic background; he is smiling still in undiminished +hope and trust, despite increasing vexations and crossings, meaningless +lessons which had to be learned, disciplines to rack an aspiring soul, +and long, uncomfortable hours in the stiff pew of the First Presbyterian +Church. Associated with this torture is a peculiar Sunday smell and the +faint rustling of silk dresses. I can see the stern black figure of Dr. +Pound, who made interminable statements to the Lord. + +"Oh, Lord," I can hear him say, "thou knowest..." + +These pictures, though yellowed and faded, suggest vividly the being I +once was, the feelings that possessed and animated me, love for my +playmates, vague impulses struggling for expression in a world forever +thwarting them. I recall, too, innocent dreams of a future unidentified, +dreams from which I emerged vibrating with an energy that was lost for +lack of a definite objective: yet it was constantly being renewed. I +often wonder what I might have become if it could have been harnessed, +directed! Speculations are vain. Calvinism, though it had begun to make +compromises, was still a force in those days, inimical to spontaneity and +human instincts. And when I think of Calvinism I see, not Dr. Pound, who +preached it, but my father, who practised and embodied it. I loved him, +but he made of righteousness a stern and terrible thing implying not joy, +but punishment, the, suppression rather than the expansion of +aspirations. His religion seemed woven all of austerity, contained no +shining threads to catch my eye. Dreams, to him, were matters for +suspicion and distrust. + +I sometimes ask myself, as I gaze upon his portrait now, the duplicate of +the one painted for the Bar Association, whether he ever could have felt +the secret, hot thrills I knew and did not identify with religion. His +religion was real to him, though he failed utterly to make it +comprehensible to me. The apparent calmness, evenness of his life awed +me. A successful lawyer, a respected and trusted citizen, was he lacking +somewhat in virility, vitality? I cannot judge him, even to-day. I +never knew him. There were times in my youth when the curtain of his +unfamiliar spirit was withdrawn a little: and once, after I had passed +the crisis of some childhood disease, I awoke to find him bending over my +bed with a tender expression that surprised and puzzled me. + +He was well educated, and from his portrait a shrewd observer might +divine in him a genteel taste for literature. The fine features bear +witness to the influence of an American environment, yet suggest the +intellectual Englishman of Matthew Arnold's time. The face is +distinguished, ascetic, the chestnut hair lighter and thinner than my +own; the side whiskers are not too obtrusive, the eyes blue-grey. There +is a large black cravat crossed and held by a cameo pin, and the coat has +odd, narrow lapels. His habits of mind were English, although he +harmonized well enough with the manners and traditions of a city whose +inheritance was Scotch-Irish; and he invariably drank tea for breakfast. +One of my earliest recollections is of the silver breakfast service and +egg-cups which my great-grandfather brought with him from Sheffield to +Philadelphia shortly after the Revolution. His son, Dr. Hugh Moreton +Paret, after whom I was named, was the best known physician of the city +in the decorous, Second Bank days. + +My mother was Sarah Breck. Hers was my Scotch-Irish side. Old Benjamin +Breck, her grandfather, undaunted by sea or wilderness, had come straight +from Belfast to the little log settlement by the great river that +mirrored then the mantle of primeval forest on the hills. So much for +chance. He kept a store with a side porch and square-paned windows, +where hams and sides of bacon and sugar loaves in blue glazed paper hung +beside ploughs and calico prints, barrels of flour, of molasses and rum, +all of which had been somehow marvellously transported over the passes of +those forbidding mountains,--passes we blithely thread to-day in dining +cars and compartment sleepers. Behind the store were moored the barges +that floated down on the swift current to the Ohio, carrying goods to +even remoter settlements in the western wilderness. + +Benjamin, in addition to his emigrant's leather box, brought with him +some of that pigment that was to dye the locality for generations a deep +blue. I refer, of course, to his Presbyterianism. And in order the +better to ensure to his progeny the fastness of this dye, he married the +granddaughter of a famous divine, celebrated in the annals of New +England,--no doubt with some injustice,--as a staunch advocate on the +doctrine of infant damnation. My cousin Robert Breck had old Benjamin's +portrait, which has since gone to the Kinley's. Heaven knows who painted +it, though no great art were needed to suggest on canvas the tough fabric +of that sitter, who was more Irish than Scotch. The heavy stick he holds +might, with a slight stretch of the imagination, be a blackthorn; his +head looks capable of withstanding many blows; his hand of giving many. +And, as I gazed the other day at this picture hanging in the shabby +suburban parlour, I could only contrast him with his anaemic descendants +who possessed the likeness. Between the children of poor Mary Kinley,-- +Cousin Robert's daughter, and the hardy stock of the old country there is +a gap indeed! + +Benjamin Breck made the foundation of a fortune. It was his son who +built on the Second Bank the wide, corniced mansion in which to house +comfortably his eight children. There, two tiers above the river, lived +my paternal grandfather, Dr. Paret, the Breck's physician and friend; the +Durretts and the Hambletons, iron-masters; the Hollisters, Sherwins, the +McAlerys and Ewanses,--Breck connections,--the Willetts and Ogilvys; in +short, everyone of importance in the days between the 'thirties and the +Civil War. Theirs were generous houses surrounded by shade trees, with +glorious back yards--I have been told--where apricots and pears and +peaches and even nectarines grew. + +The business of Breck and Company, wholesale grocers, descended to my +mother's first cousin, Robert Breck, who lived at Claremore. The very +sound of that word once sufficed to give me a shiver of delight; but the +Claremore I knew has disappeared as completely as Atlantis, and the place +is now a suburb (hateful word!) cut up into building lots and connected +with Boyne Street and the business section of the city by trolley lines. +Then it was "the country," and fairly saturated with romance. Cousin +Robert, when he came into town to spend his days at the store, brought +with him some of this romance, I had almost said of this aroma. He was +no suburbanite, but rural to the backbone, professing a most proper +contempt for dwellers in towns. + +Every summer day that dawned held Claremore as a possibility. And such +was my capacity for joy that my appetite would depart completely when I +heard my mother say, questioningly and with proper wifely respect + +"If you're really going off on a business trip for a day or two, Mr. +Paret" (she generally addressed my father thus formally), "I think I'll +go to Robert's and take Hugh." + +"Shall I tell Norah to pack, mother," I would exclaim, starting up. + +"We'll see what your father thinks, my dear." + +"Remain at the table until you are excused, Hugh," he would say. + +Released at length, I would rush to Norah, who always rejoiced with me, +and then to the wire fence which marked the boundary of the Peters domain +next door, eager, with the refreshing lack of consideration +characteristic of youth, to announce to the Peterses--who were to remain +at home the news of my good fortune. There would be Tom and Alfred and +Russell and Julia and little Myra with her grass-stained knees, faring +forth to seek the adventures of a new day in the shady western yard. +Myra was too young not to look wistful at my news, but the others +pretended indifference, seeking to lessen my triumph. And it was Julia +who invariably retorted "We can go out to Uncle Jake's farm whenever we +want to. Can't we, Tom?"... + +No journey ever taken since has equalled in ecstasy that leisurely trip +of thirteen miles in the narrow-gauge railroad that wound through hot +fields of nodding corn tassels and between delicious, acrid-smelling +woods to Claremore. No silent palace "sleeping in the sun," no edifice +decreed by Kubla Khan could have worn more glamour than the house of +Cousin Robert Breck. + +It stood half a mile from the drowsy village, deep in its own grounds +amidst lawns splashed with shadows, with gravel paths edged--in barbarous +fashion, if you please with shells. There were flower beds of equally +barbarous design; and two iron deer, which, like the figures on Keats's +Grecian urn, were ever ready poised to flee,--and yet never fled. For +Cousin Robert was rich, as riches went in those days: not only rich, but +comfortable. Stretching behind the house were sweet meadows of hay and +red clover basking in the heat, orchards where the cows cropped beneath +the trees, arbours where purple clusters of Concords hung beneath warm +leaves: there were woods beyond, into which, under the guidance of Willie +Breck, I made adventurous excursions, and in the autumn gathered +hickories and walnuts. The house was a rambling, wooden mansion painted +grey, with red scroll-work on its porches and horsehair furniture inside. +Oh, the smell of its darkened interior on a midsummer day! Like the +flavour of that choicest of tropical fruits, the mangosteen, it baffles +analysis, and the nearest I can come to it is a mixture of matting and +corn-bread, with another element too subtle to define. + +The hospitality of that house! One would have thought we had arrived, my +mother and I, from the ends of the earth, such was the welcome we got +from Cousin Jenny, Cousin Robert's wife, from Mary and Helen with the +flaxen pig-tails, from Willie, whom I recall as permanently without shoes +or stockings. Met and embraced by Cousin Jenny at the station and driven +to the house in the squeaky surrey, the moment we arrived she and my +mother would put on the dressing-sacks I associated with hot weather, and +sit sewing all day long in rocking-chairs at the coolest end of the +piazza. The women of that day scorned lying down, except at night, and +as evening came on they donned starched dresses; I recall in particular +one my mother wore, with little vertical stripes of black and white, and +a full skirt. And how they talked, from the beginning of the visit until +the end! I have often since wondered where the topics came from. + +It was not until nearly seven o'clock that the train arrived which +brought home my Cousin Robert. He was a big man; his features and even +his ample moustache gave a disconcerting impression of rugged integrity, +and I remember him chiefly in an alpaca or seersucker coat. Though much +less formal, more democratic--in a word--than my father, I stood in awe +of him for a different reason, and this I know now was because he +possessed the penetration to discern the flaws in my youthful character, +--flaws that persisted in manhood. None so quick as Cousin Robert to +detect deceptions which were hidden from my mother. + +His hobby was carpentering, and he had a little shop beside the stable +filled with shining tools which Willie and I, in spite of their +attractions, were forbidden to touch. Willie, by dire experience, had +learned to keep the law; but on one occasion I stole in alone, and +promptly cut my finger with a chisel. My mother and Cousin Jenny +accepted the fiction that the injury had been done with a flint arrowhead +that Willie had given me, but when Cousin Robert came home and saw my +bound hand and heard the story, he gave me a certain look which sticks in +my mind. + +"Wonderful people, those Indians were!" he observed. "They could make +arrowheads as sharp as chisels." + +I was most uncomfortable.... + +He had a strong voice, and spoke with a rising inflection and a marked +accent that still remains peculiar to our locality, although it was much +modified in my mother and not at all noticeable in my father; with an odd +nasal alteration of the burr our Scotch-Irish ancestors had brought with +them across the seas. For instance, he always called my father Mr. Par- +r-ret. He had an admiration and respect for him that seemed to forbid +the informality of "Matthew." It was shared by others of my father's +friends and relations. + +"Sarah," Cousin Robert would say to my mother, "you're coddling that boy, +you ought to lam him oftener. Hand him over to me for a couple of +months--I'll put him through his paces.... So you're going to send him +to college, are you? He's too good for old Benjamin's grocery business." + +He was very fond of my mother, though he lectured her soundly for her +weakness in indulging me. I can see him as he sat at the head of the +supper table, carving liberal helpings which Mary and Helen and Willie +devoured with country appetites, watching our plates. + +"What's the matter, Hugh? You haven't eaten all your lamb." + +"He doesn't like fat, Robert," my mother explained. + +"I'd teach him to like it if he were my boy." + +"Well, Robert, he isn't your boy," Cousin Jenny would remind him.... +His bark was worse than his bite. Like many kind people he made use of +brusqueness to hide an inner tenderness, and on the train he was hail +fellow well met with every Tom, Dick and Harry that commuted,--although +the word was not invented in those days,--and the conductor and brakeman +too. But he had his standards, and held to them.... + +Mine was not a questioning childhood, and I was willing to accept the +scheme of things as presented to me entire. In my tenderer years, when I +had broken one of the commandments on my father's tablet (there were more +than ten), and had, on his home-coming, been sent to bed, my mother would +come softly upstairs after supper with a book in her hand; a book of +selected Bible stories on which Dr. Pound had set the seal of his +approval, with a glazed picture cover, representing Daniel in the lions' +den and an angel standing beside him. On the somewhat specious plea that +Holy Writ might have a chastening effect, she was permitted to minister +to me in my shame. The amazing adventure of Shadrach, Meshach and +Abednego particularly appealed to an imagination needing little +stimulation. It never occurred to me to doubt that these gentlemen had +triumphed over caloric laws. But out of my window, at the back of the +second storey, I often saw a sudden, crimson glow in the sky to the +southward, as though that part of the city had caught fire. There were +the big steel-works, my mother told me, belonging to Mr. Durrett and Mr. +Hambleton, the father of Ralph Hambleton and the grandfather of Hambleton +Durrett, my schoolmates at Miss Caroline's. I invariably connected the +glow, not with Hambleton and Ralph, but with Shadrach, Meshach and +Abednego! Later on, when my father took me to the steel-works, and I +beheld with awe a huge pot filled with molten metal that ran out of it +like water, I asked him--if I leaped into that stream, could God save me? +He was shocked. Miracles, he told me, didn't happen any more. + +"When did they stop?" I demanded. + +"About two thousand years ago, my son," he replied gravely. + +"Then," said I, "no matter how much I believed in God, he wouldn't save +me if I jumped into the big kettle for his sake?" + +For this I was properly rebuked and silenced. + +My boyhood was filled with obsessing desires. If God, for example, had +cast down, out of his abundant store, manna and quail in the desert, why +couldn't he fling me a little pocket money? A paltry quarter of a +dollar, let us say, which to me represented wealth. To avoid the +reproach of the Pharisees, I went into the closet of my bed-chamber to +pray, requesting that the quarter should be dropped on the north side of +Lyme Street, between Stamford and Tryon; in short, as conveniently near +home as possible. Then I issued forth, not feeling overconfident, but +hoping. Tom Peters, leaning over the ornamental cast-iron fence which +separated his front yard from the street, presently spied me scanning the +sidewalk. + +"What are you looking for, Hugh?" he demanded with interest. + +"Oh, something I dropped," I answered uneasily. + +"What?" + +Naturally, I refused to tell. It was a broiling, midsummer day; Julia +and Russell, who had been warned to stay in the shade, but who were +engaged in the experiment of throwing the yellow cat from the top of the +lattice fence to see if she would alight on her feet, were presently +attracted, and joined in the search. The mystery which I threw around it +added to its interest, and I was not inconsiderably annoyed. Suppose one +of them were to find the quarter which God had intended for me? Would +that be justice? + +"It's nothing," I said, and pretended to abandon the quest--to be renewed +later. But this ruse failed; they continued obstinately to search; and +after a few minutes Tom, with a shout, picked out of a hot crevice +between the bricks--a nickel! + +"It's mine!" I cried fiercely. + +"Did you lose it?" demanded Julia, the canny one, as Tom was about to +give it up. + +My lying was generally reserved for my elders. + +"N-no," I said hesitatingly, "but it's mine all the same. It was--sent +to me." + +"Sent to you!" they exclaimed, in a chorus of protest and derision. And +how, indeed, was I to make good my claim? The Peterses, when assembled, +were a clan, led by Julia and in matters of controversy, moved as one. +How was I to tell them that in answer to my prayers for twenty-five +cents, God had deemed five all that was good for me? + +"Some--somebody dropped it there for me." + +"Who?" demanded the chorus. "Say, that's a good one!" + +Tears suddenly blinded me. Overcome by chagrin, I turned and flew into +the house and upstairs into my room, locking the door behind me. An +interval ensued, during which I nursed my sense of wrong, and it pleased +me to think that the money would bring a curse on the Peters family. At +length there came a knock on the door, and a voice calling my name. + +"Hugh! Hugh!" + +It was Tom. + +"Hughie, won't you let me in? I want to give you the nickel." + +"Keep it!" I shouted back. "You found it." + +Another interval, and then more knocking. + +"Open up," he said coaxingly. "I--I want to talk to you." + +I relented, and let him in. He pressed the coin into my hand. I +refused; he pleaded. + +"You found it," I said, "it's yours." + +"But--but you were looking for it." + +"That makes no difference," I declared magnanimously. + +Curiosity overcame him. + +"Say, Hughie, if you didn't drop it, who on earth did?" + +"Nobody on earth," I replied cryptically.... + +Naturally, I declined to reveal the secret. Nor was this by any means +the only secret I held over the Peters family, who never quite knew what +to make of me. They were not troubled with imaginations. Julia was a +little older than Tom and had a sharp tongue, but over him I exercised a +distinct fascination, and I knew it. Literal himself, good-natured and +warm-hearted, the gift I had of tingeing life with romance (to put the +thing optimistically), of creating kingdoms out of back yards--at which +Julia and Russell sniffed--held his allegiance firm. + + + + +II. + +I must have been about twelve years of age when I realized that I was +possessed of the bard's inheritance. A momentous journey I made with my +parents to Boston about this time not only stimulated this gift, but gave +me the advantage of which other travellers before me have likewise +availed themselves--of being able to take certain poetic liberties with a +distant land that my friends at home had never seen. Often during the +heat of summer noons when we were assembled under the big maple beside +the lattice fence in the Peters' yard, the spirit would move me to relate +the most amazing of adventures. Our train, for instance, had been held +up in the night by a band of robbers in black masks, and rescued by a +traveller who bore a striking resemblance to my Cousin Robert Breck. He +had shot two of the robbers. These fabrications, once started, flowed +from me with ridiculous ease. I experienced an unwonted exhilaration, +exaltation; I began to believe that they had actually occurred. In vain +the astute Julia asserted that there were no train robbers in the east. +What had my father done? Well, he had been very brave, but he had had no +pistol. Had I been frightened? No, not at all; I, too, had wished for a +pistol. Why hadn't I spoken of this before? Well, so many things had +happened to me I couldn't tell them all at once. It was plain that +Julia, though often fascinated against her will, deemed this sort of +thing distinctly immoral. + +I was a boy divided in two. One part of me dwelt in a fanciful realm of +his own weaving, and the other part was a commonplace and protesting +inhabitant of a world of lessons, disappointments and discipline. My +instincts were not vicious. Ideas bubbled up within me continually from +an apparently inexhaustible spring, and the very strength of the longings +they set in motion puzzled and troubled my parents: what I seem to see +most distinctly now is a young mind engaged in a ceaseless struggle for +self-expression, for self-development, against the inertia of a tradition +of which my father was the embodiment. He was an enigma to me then. He +sincerely loved me, he cherished ambitions concerning me, yet thwarted +every natural, budding growth, until I grew unconsciously to regard him +as my enemy, although I had an affection for him and a pride in him that +flared up at times. Instead of confiding to him my aspirations, vague +though they were, I became more and more secretive as I grew older. I +knew instinctively that he regarded these aspirations as evidences in my +character of serious moral flaws. And I would sooner have suffered many +afternoons of his favourite punishment--solitary confinement in my room-- +than reveal to him those occasional fits of creative fancy which caused +me to neglect my lessons in order to put them on paper. Loving +literature, in his way, he was characteristically incapable of +recognizing the literary instinct, and the symptoms of its early stages +he mistook for inherent frivolity, for lack of respect for the truth; in +brief, for original sin. At the age of fourteen I had begun secretly +(alas, how many things I did secretly!) to write stories of a sort, +stories that never were finished. + +He regarded reading as duty, not pleasure. He laid out books for me, +which I neglected. He was part and parcel of that American environment +in which literary ambition was regarded as sheer madness. And no one who +has not experienced that environment can have any conception of the +pressure it exerted to stifle originality, to thrust the new generation +into its religious and commercial moulds. Shall we ever, I wonder, +develop the enlightened education that will know how to take advantage of +such initiative as was mine? that will be on the watch for it, sympathize +with it and guide it to fruition? + +I was conscious of still another creative need, that of dramatizing my +ideas, of converting them into action. And this need was to lead me +farther than ever afield from the path of righteousness. The concrete +realization of ideas, as many geniuses will testify, is an expensive +undertaking, requiring a little pocket money; and I have already touched +upon that subject. My father did not believe in pocket money. A sea +story that my Cousin Donald Ewan gave me at Christmas inspired me to +compose one of a somewhat different nature; incidentally, I deemed it a +vast improvement on Cousin Donald's book. Now, if I only had a boat, +with the assistance of Ham Durrett and Tom Peters, Gene Hollister and +Perry Blackwood and other friends, this story of mine might be staged. +There were, however, as usual, certain seemingly insuperable +difficulties: in the first place, it was winter time; in the second, no +facilities existed in the city for operations of a nautical character; +and, lastly, my Christmas money amounted only to five dollars. +It was my father who pointed out these and other objections. For, after +a careful perusal of the price lists I had sent for, I had been forced to +appeal to him to supply additional funds with which to purchase a row- +boat. Incidentally, he read me a lecture on extravagance, referred to my +last month's report at the Academy, and finished by declaring that he +would not permit me to have a boat even in the highly improbable case of +somebody's presenting me with one. Let it not be imagined that my ardour +or my determination were extinguished. Shortly after I had retired from +his presence it occurred to me that he had said nothing to forbid my +making a boat, and the first thing I did after school that day was to +procure, for twenty-five cents, a second-hand book on boat construction. +The woodshed was chosen as a shipbuilding establishment. It was +convenient--and my father never went into the back yard in cold weather. +Inquiries of lumber-yards developing the disconcerting fact that four +dollars and seventy-five cents was inadequate to buy the material itself, +to say nothing of the cost of steaming and bending the ribs, I +reluctantly abandoned the ideal of the graceful craft I had sketched, and +compromised on a flat bottom. Observe how the ways of deception lead to +transgression: I recalled the cast-off lumber pile of Jarvis, the +carpenter, a good-natured Englishman, coarse and fat: in our +neighbourhood his reputation for obscenity was so well known to mothers +that I had been forbidden to go near him or his shop. Grits Jarvis, his +son, who had inherited the talent, was also contraband. I can see now +the huge bulk of the elder Jarvis as he stood in the melting, soot- +powdered snow in front of his shop, and hear his comments on my +pertinacity. + +"If you ever wants another man's missus when you grows up, my lad, Gawd +'elp 'im!" + +"Why should I want another man's wife when I don't want one of my own?" +I demanded, indignant. + +He laughed with his customary lack of moderation. + +"You mind what old Jarvis says," he cried. "What you wants, you gets." + +I did get his boards, by sheer insistence. No doubt they were not very +valuable, and without question he more than made up for them in my +mother's bill. I also got something else of equal value to me at the +moment,--the assistance of Grits, the contraband; daily, after school, I +smuggled him into the shed through the alley, acquiring likewise the +services of Tom Peters, which was more of a triumph than it would seem. +Tom always had to be "worked up" to participation in my ideas, but in the +end he almost invariably succumbed. The notion of building a boat in the +dead of winter, and so far from her native element, naturally struck him +at first as ridiculous. Where in Jehoshaphat was I going to sail it if I +ever got it made? He much preferred to throw snowballs at innocent wagon +drivers. + +All that Tom saw, at first, was a dirty, coal-spattered shed with dim +recesses, for it was lighted on one side only, and its temperature was +somewhere below freezing. Surely he could not be blamed for a tempered +enthusiasm! But for me, all the dirt and cold and discomfort were +blotted out, and I beheld a gallant craft manned by sturdy seamen forging +her way across blue water in the South Seas. Treasure Island, alas, was +as yet unwritten; but among my father's books were two old volumes in +which I had hitherto taken no interest, with crude engravings of palms +and coral reefs, of naked savages and tropical mountains covered with +jungle, the adventures, in brief, of one Captain Cook. I also discovered +a book by a later traveller. Spurred on by a mysterious motive power, +and to the great neglect of the pons asinorum and the staple products of +the Southern States, I gathered an amazing amount of information +concerning a remote portion of the globe, of head-hunters and poisoned +stakes, of typhoons, of queer war-craft that crept up on you while you +were dismantling galleons, when desperate hand-to-hand encounters ensued. +Little by little as I wove all this into personal adventures soon to be +realized, Tom forgot the snowballs and the maddened grocery-men who +chased him around the block; while Grits would occasionally stop sawing +and cry out:-- + +"Ah, s'y!" frequently adding that he would be G--d--d. + +The cold woodshed became a chantry on the New England coast, the alley +the wintry sea soon to embrace our ship, the saw-horses--which stood +between a coal-bin on one side and unused stalls filled with rubbish and +kindling on the other--the ways; the yard behind the lattice fence became +a backwater, the flapping clothes the sails of ships that took refuge +there--on Mondays and Tuesdays. Even my father was symbolized with +unparalleled audacity as a watchful government which had, up to the +present, no inkling of our semi-piratical intentions! The cook and the +housemaid, though remonstrating against the presence of Grits, were +friendly confederates; likewise old Cephas, the darkey who, from my +earliest memory, carried coal and wood and blacked the shoes, washed the +windows ,and scrubbed the steps. + +One afternoon Tom went to work.... + +The history of the building of the good ship Petrel is similar to that of +all created things, a story of trial and error and waste. At last, one +March day she stood ready for launching. She had even been caulked; for +Grits, from an unknown and unquestionably dubious source, had procured a +bucket of tar, which we heated over afire in the alley and smeared into +every crack. It was natural that the news of such a feat as we were +accomplishing should have leaked out, that the "yard" should have been +visited from time to time by interested friends, some of whom came to +admire, some to scoff, and all to speculate. Among the scoffers, of +course, was Ralph Hambleton, who stood with his hands in his pockets and +cheerfully predicted all sorts of dire calamities. Ralph was always a +superior boy, tall and a trifle saturnine and cynical, with an amazing +self-confidence not wholly due to the wealth of his father, the iron- +master. He was older than I. + +"She won't float five minutes, if you ever get her to the water," was his +comment, and in this he was supported on general principles by Julia and +Russell Peters. Ralph would have none of the Petrel, or of the South +Seas either; but he wanted,--so he said,--"to be in at the death." The +Hambletons were one of the few families who at that time went to the sea +for the summer, and from a practical knowledge of craft in general Ralph +was not slow to point out the defects of ours. Tom and I defended her +passionately. + +Ralph was not a romanticist. He was a born leader, excelling at +organized games, exercising over boys the sort of fascination that comes +from doing everything better and more easily than others. It was only +during the progress of such enterprises as this affair of the Petrel that +I succeeded in winning their allegiance; bit by bit, as Tom's had been +won, fanning their enthusiasm by impersonating at once Achilles and +Homer, recruiting while relating the Odyssey of the expedition in glowing +colours. Ralph always scoffed, and when I had no scheme on foot they +went back to him. Having surveyed the boat and predicted calamity, he +departed, leaving a circle of quaint and youthful figures around the +Petrel in the shed: Gene Hollister, romantically inclined, yet somewhat +hampered by a strict parental supervision; Ralph's cousin Ham Durrett, +who was even then a rather fat boy, good-natured but selfish; Don and +Harry Ewan, my second cousins; Mac and Nancy Willett and Sam and Sophy +McAlery. Nancy was a tomboy, not to be denied, and Sophy her shadow. We +held a council, the all-important question of which was how to get the +Petrel to the water, and what water to get her to. The river was not to +be thought of, and Blackstone Lake some six miles from town. Finally, +Logan's mill-pond was decided on,--a muddy sheet on the outskirts of the +city. But how to get her to Logan's mill-pond? Cephas was at length +consulted. It turned out that he had a coloured friend who went by the +impressive name of Thomas Jefferson Taliaferro (pronounced Tolliver), who +was in the express business; and who, after surveying the boat with some +misgivings,--for she was ten feet long,--finally consented to transport +her to "tide-water" for the sum of two dollars. But it proved that our +combined resources only amounted to a dollar and seventy-five cents. Ham +Durrett never contributed to anything. On this sum Thomas Jefferson +compromised. + +Saturday dawned clear, with a stiff March wind catching up the dust into +eddies and whirling it down the street. No sooner was my father safely +on his way to his office than Thomas Jefferson was reported to be in the +alley, where we assembled, surveying with some misgivings Thomas +Jefferson's steed, whose ability to haul the Petrel two miles seemed +somewhat doubtful. Other difficulties developed; the door in the back of +the shed proved to be too narrow for our ship's beam. But men embarked +on a desperate enterprise are not to be stopped by such trifles, and the +problem was solved by sawing out two adjoining boards. These were +afterwards replaced with skill by the ship's carpenter, Able Seaman Grits +Jarvis. Then the Petrel by heroic efforts was got into the wagon, the +seat of which had been removed, old Thomas Jefferson perched himself +precariously in the bow and protestingly gathered up his rope-patched +reins. + +"Folks'll 'low I'se plum crazy, drivin' dis yere boat," he declared, +observing with concern that some four feet of the stern projected over +the tail-board. "Ef she topples, I'll git to heaven quicker'n a bullet." + +When one is shanghaied, however,--in the hands of buccaneers,--it is too +late to withdraw. Six shoulders upheld the rear end of the Petrel, +others shoved, and Thomas Jefferson's rickety horse began to move forward +in spite of himself. An expression of sheer terror might have been +observed on the old negro's crinkled face, but his voice was drowned, and +we swept out of the alley. Scarcely had we travelled a block before we +began to be joined by all the boys along the line of march; marbles, +tops, and even incipient baseball games were abandoned that Saturday +morning; people ran out of their houses, teamsters halted their carts. +The breathless excitement, the exaltation I had felt on leaving the alley +were now tinged with other feelings, unanticipated, but not wholly +lacking in delectable quality,--concern and awe at these unforeseen +forces I had raised, at this ever growing and enthusiastic body of +volunteers springing up like dragon's teeth in our path. After all, was +not I the hero of this triumphal procession? The thought was consoling, +exhilarating. And here was Nancy marching at my side, a little subdued, +perhaps, but unquestionably admiring and realizing that it was I who had +created all this. Nancy, who was the aptest of pupils, the most loyal of +followers, though I did not yet value her devotion at its real worth, +because she was a girl. Her imagination kindled at my touch. And on +this eventful occasion she carried in her arms a parcel, the contents of +which were unknown to all but ourselves. At length we reached the muddy +shores of Logan's pond, where two score eager hands volunteered to assist +the Petrel into her native element. + +Alas! that the reality never attains to the vision. I had beheld, in my +dreams, the Petrel about to take the water, and Nancy Willett standing +very straight making a little speech and crashing a bottle of wine across +the bows. This was the content of the mysterious parcel; she had stolen +it from her father's cellar. But the number of uninvited spectators, +which had not been foreseen, considerably modified the programme,--as the +newspapers would have said. They pushed and crowded around the ship, and +made frank and even brutal remarks as to her seaworthiness; even Nancy, +inured though she was to the masculine sex, had fled to the heights, and +it looked at this supreme moment as though we should have to fight for +the Petrel. An attempt to muster her doughty buccaneers failed; the +gunner too had fled,--Gene Hollister; Ham Durrett and the Ewanses were +nowhere to be seen, and a muster revealed only Tom, the fidus Achates, +and Grits Jarvis. + +"Ah, s'y!" he exclaimed in the teeth of the menacing hordes. "Stand +back, carn't yer? I'll bash yer face in, Johnny. Whose boat is this?" + +Shall it be whispered that I regretted his belligerency? Here, in truth, +was the drama staged,--my drama, had I only been able to realize it. The +good ship beached, the headhunters hemming us in on all sides, the scene +prepared for one of those struggles against frightful odds which I had so +graphically related as an essential part of our adventures. + +"Let's roll the cuss in the fancy collar," proposed one of the head- +hunters,--meaning me. + +"I'll stove yer slats if yer touch him," said Grits, and then resorted to +appeal. "I s'y, carn't yer stand back and let a chap 'ave a charnst?" + +The head-hunters only jeered. And what shall be said of the Captain in +this moment of peril? Shall it be told that his heart was beating +wildly?--bumping were a better word. He was trying to remember that he +was the Captain. Otherwise, he must admit with shame that he, too, +should have fled. So much for romance when the test comes. Will he +remain to fall fighting for his ship? Like Horatius, he glanced up at +the hill, where, instead of the porch of the home where he would fain +have been, he beheld a wisp of a girl standing alone, her hat on the back +of her head, her hair flying in the wind, gazing intently down at him in +his danger. The renegade crew was nowhere to be seen. There are those +who demand the presence of a woman in order to be heroes.... + +"Give us a chance, can't you?" he cried, repeating Grits's appeal in not +quite such a stentorian tone as he would have liked, while his hand +trembled on the gunwale. Tom Peters, it must be acknowledged, was much +more of a buccaneer when it was a question of deeds, for he planted +himself in the way of the belligerent chief of the head-hunters (who +spoke with a decided brogue). + +"Get out of the way!" said Tom, with a little squeak in his voice. Yet +there he was, and he deserves a tribute. + +An unlooked-for diversion saved us from annihilation, in the shape of one +who had a talent for creating them. We were bewilderingly aware of a +girlish figure amongst us. + +"You cowards!" she cried. "You cowards!" + +Lithe, and fairly quivering with passion, it was Nancy who showed us how +to face the head-hunters. They gave back. They would have been brave +indeed if they had not retreated before such an intense little nucleus of +energy and indignation!... + +"Ah, give 'em a chanst," said their chief, after a moment.... He even +helped to push the boat towards the water. But he did not volunteer to +be one of those to man the Petrel on her maiden voyage. Nor did Logan's +pond, that wild March day, greatly resemble the South Seas. +Nevertheless, my eye on Nancy, I stepped proudly aboard and seized an +"oar." Grits and Tom followed,--when suddenly the Petrel sank +considerably below the water-line as her builders had estimated it. Ere +we fully realized this, the now friendly head-hunters had given us a +shove, and we were off! The Captain, who should have been waving good- +bye to his lady love from the poop, sat down abruptly,--the crew +likewise; not, however, before she had heeled to the scuppers, and a +half-bucket of iced water had run it. Head-hunters were mere daily +episodes in Grits's existence, but water... He muttered something in +cockney that sounded like a prayer.... The wind was rapidly driving us +toward the middle of the pond, and something cold and ticklish was +seeping through the seats of our trousers. We sat like statues.... + +The bright scene etched itself in my memory--the bare brown slopes with +which the pond was bordered, the Irish shanties, the clothes-lines with +red flannel shirts snapping in the biting wind; Nancy motionless on the +bank; the group behind her, silent now, impressed in spite of itself at +the sight of our intrepidity. + +The Petrel was sailing stern first.... Would any of us, indeed, ever see +home again? I thought of my father's wrath turned to sorrow because he +had refused to gratify a son's natural wish and present him with a real +rowboat.... Out of the corners of our eyes we watched the water creeping +around the gunwale, and the very muddiness of it seemed to enhance its +coldness, to make the horrors of its depths more mysterious and hideous. +The voice of Grits startled us. + +"O Gawd," he was saying, "we're a-going to sink, and I carn't swim! The +blarsted tar's give way back here." + +"Is she leaking?" I cried. + +"She's a-filling up like a bath tub," he lamented. + +Slowly but perceptibly, in truth, the bow was rising, and above the +whistling of the wind I could hear his chattering as she settled.... +Then several things happened simultaneously: an agonized cry behind me, +distant shouts from the shore, a sudden upward lunge of the bow, and the +torture of being submerged, inch by inch, in the icy, yellow water. +Despite the splashing behind me, I sat as though paralyzed until I was +waist deep and the boards turned under me, and then, with a spasmodic +contraction of my whole being I struck out--only to find my feet on the +muddy bottom. Such was the inglorious end of the good ship Petrel! For +she went down, with all hands, in little more than half a fathom of +water.... It was not until then I realized that we had been blown clear +across the pond! + +Figures were running along the shore. And as Tom and I emerged dragging +Grits between us,--for he might have been drowned there abjectly in the +shallows,--we were met by a stout and bare-armed Irishwoman whose scanty +hair, I remember, was drawn into a tight knot behind her head; and who +seized us, all three, as though we were a bunch of carrots. + +"Come along wid ye!" she cried. + +Shivering, we followed her up the hill, the spectators of the tragedy, +who by this time had come around the pond, trailing after. Nancy was not +among them. Inside the shanty into which we were thrust were two small +children crawling about the floor, and the place was filled with steam +from a wash-tub against the wall and a boiler on the stove. With a +vigorous injunction to make themselves scarce, the Irishwoman slammed the +door in the faces of the curious and ordered us to remove our clothes. +Grits was put to bed in a corner, while Tom and I, provided with various +garments, huddled over the stove. There fell to my lot the red flannel +shirt which I had seen on the clothes-line. She gave us hot coffee, and +was back at her wash-tub in no time at all, her entire comment on a +proceeding that seemed to Tom and me to have certain elements of gravity +being, "By's will be by's!" The final ironical touch was given the anti- +climax when our rescuer turned out to be the mother of the chief of the +head-hunters himself! He had lingered perforce with his brothers and +sister outside the cabin until dinner time, and when he came in he was +meek as Moses. + +Thus the ready hospitality of the poor, which passed over the heads of +Tom and me as we ate bread and onions and potatoes with a ravenous +hunger. It must have been about two o'clock in the afternoon when we +bade good-bye to our preserver and departed for home.... + +At first we went at a dog-trot, but presently slowed down to discuss the +future looming portentously ahead of us. Since entire concealment was +now impossible, the question was,--how complete a confession would be +necessary? Our cases, indeed, were dissimilar, and Tom's incentive to +hold back the facts was not nearly so great as mine. It sometimes seemed +to me in those days unjust that the Peterses were able on the whole to +keep out of criminal difficulties, in which I was more or less +continuously involved: for it did not strike me that their sins were not +those of the imagination. The method of Tom's father was the slipper. +He and Tom understood each other, while between my father and myself was +a great gulf fixed. Not that Tom yearned for the slipper; but he +regarded its occasional applications as being as inevitable as changes in +the weather; lying did not come easily to him, and left to himself he +much preferred to confess and have the matter over with. I have already +suggested that I had cultivated lying, that weapon of the weaker party, +in some degree, at least, in self-defence. + +Tom was loyal. Moreover, my conviction would probably deprive him for +six whole afternoons of my company, on which he was more or less +dependent. But the defence of this case presented unusual difficulties, +and we stopped several times to thrash them out. We had been absent from +dinner, and doubtless by this time Julia had informed Tom's mother of the +expedition, and anyone could see that our clothing had been wet. So I +lingered in no little anxiety behind the Peters stable while he made the +investigation. Our spirits rose considerably when he returned to report +that Julia had unexpectedly been a trump, having quieted his mother by +the surmise that he was spending the day with his Aunt Fanny. So far, so +good. The problem now was to decide upon what to admit. For we must +both tell the same story. + +It was agreed that we had fallen into Logan's Pond from a raft: my +suggestion. Well, said Tom, the Petrel hadn't proved much better than a +raft, after all. I was in no mood to defend her. + +This designation of the Petrel as a "raft" was my first legal quibble. +The question to be decided by the court was, What is a raft? just as the +supreme tribunal of the land has been required, in later years, to +decide, What is whiskey? The thing to be concealed if possible was the +building of the "raft," although this information was already in the +possession of a number of persons, whose fathers might at any moment see +fit to congratulate my own on being the parent of a genius. It was a +risk, however, that had to be run. And, secondly, since Grits Jarvis was +contraband, nothing was to be said about him. + +I have not said much about my mother, who might have been likened on such +occasions to a grand jury compelled to indict, yet torn between loyalty +to an oath and sympathy with the defendant. I went through the Peters +yard, climbed the wire fence, my object being to discover first from +Ella, the housemaid, or Hannah, the cook, how much was known in high +quarters. It was Hannah who, as I opened the kitchen door, turned at the +sound, and set down the saucepan she was scouring. + +"Is it home ye are? Mercy to goodness!" (this on beholding my shrunken +costume) "Glory be to God you're not drownded! and your mother worritin' +her heart out! So it's into the wather ye were?" + +I admitted it. + +"Hannah?" I said softly. + +"What then?" + +"Does mother know--about the boat?" + +"Now don't ye be wheedlin'." + +I managed to discover, however, that my mother did not know, and surmised +that the best reason why she had not been told had to do with Hannah's +criminal acquiescence concerning the operations in the shed. I ran into +the front hall and up the stairs, and my mother heard me coming and met +me on the landing. + +"Hugh, where have you been?" + +As I emerged from the semi-darkness of the stairway she caught sight of +my dwindled garments, of the trousers well above my ankles. Suddenly she +had me in her arms and was kissing me passionately. As she stood before +me in her grey, belted skirt, the familiar red-and-white cameo at her +throat, her heavy hair parted in the middle, in her eyes was an odd, +appealing look which I know now was a sign of mother love struggling with +a Presbyterian conscience. Though she inherited that conscience, I have +often thought she might have succeeded in casting it off--or at least +some of it--had it not been for the fact that in spite of herself she +worshipped its incarnation in the shape of my father. Her voice trembled +a little as she drew me to the sofa beside the window. + +"Tell me about what happened, my son," she said. + +It was a terrible moment for me. For my affections were still +quiveringly alive in those days, and I loved her. I had for an instant +an instinctive impulse to tell her the whole story,--South Sea Islands +and all! And I could have done it had I not beheld looming behind her +another figure which represented a stern and unsympathetic Authority, and +somehow made her, suddenly, of small account. Not that she would have +understood the romance, but she would have comprehended me. I knew that +she was powerless to save me from the wrath to come. I wept. It was +because I hated to lie to her,--yet I did so. Fear gripped me, and--like +some respectable criminals I have since known--I understood that any +confession I made would inexorably be used against me.... I wonder +whether she knew I was lying? At any rate, the case appeared to be a +grave one, and I was presently remanded to my room to be held over for +trial.... + +Vividly, as I write, I recall the misery of the hours I have spent, while +awaiting sentence, in the little chamber with the honeysuckle wall-paper +and steel engravings of happy but dumpy children romping in the fields +and groves. On this particular March afternoon the weather had become +morne, as the French say; and I looked down sadly into the grey back yard +which the wind of the morning had strewn with chips from the Petrel. At +last, when shadows were gathering in the corners of the room, I heard +footsteps. Ella appeared, prim and virtuous, yet a little commiserating. +My father wished to see me, downstairs. It was not the first time she +had brought that summons, and always her manner was the same! + +The scene of my trials was always the sitting room, lined with grim books +in their walnut cases. And my father sat, like a judge, behind the big +desk where he did his work when at home. Oh, the distance between us at +such an hour! I entered as delicately as Agag, and the expression in his +eye seemed to convict me before I could open my mouth. + +"Hugh," he said, "your mother tells me that you have confessed to going, +without permission, to Logan's Pond, where you embarked on a raft and +fell into the water." + +The slight emphasis he contrived to put on the word raft sent a colder +shiver down my spine than the iced water had done. What did he know? or +was this mere suspicion? Too late, now, at any rate, to plead guilty. + +"It was a sort of a raft, sir," I stammered. + +"A sort of a raft," repeated my father. "Where, may I ask, did you find +it?" + +"I--I didn't exactly find it, sir." + +"Ah!" said my father. (It was the moment to glance meaningly at the +jury.) The prisoner gulped. "You didn't exactly find it, then. Will you +kindly explain how you came by it?" + +"Well, sir, we--I--put it together." + +"Have you any objection to stating, Hugh, in plain English, that you made +it?" + +"No, sir, I suppose you might say that I made it." + +"Or that it was intended for a row-boat?" + +Here was the time to appeal, to force a decision as to what constituted a +row-boat. + +"Perhaps it might be called a row-boat, sir," I said abjectly. + +"Or that, in direct opposition to my wishes and commands in forbidding +you to have a boat, to spend your money foolishly and wickedly on a whim, +you constructed one secretly in the woodshed, took out a part of the back +partition, thus destroying property that did, not belong to you, and had +the boat carted this morning to Logan's Pond?" +I was silent, utterly undone. Evidently he had specific information.... +There are certain expressions that are, at times, more than mere figures +of speech, and now my father's wrath seemed literally towering. It added +visibly to his stature. + +"Hugh," he said, in a voice that penetrated to the very corners of my +soul, "I utterly fail to understand you. I cannot imagine how a son of +mine, a son of your mother who is the very soul of truthfulness and +honour--can be a liar." (Oh, the terrible emphasis he put on that word!) +"Nor is it as if this were a new tendency--I have punished you for it +before. Your mother and I have tried to do our duty by you, to instil +into you Christian teaching. But it seems wholly useless. I confess +that I am at a less how to proceed. You seem to have no conscience +whatever, no conception of what you owe to your parents and your God. +You not only persistently disregard my wishes and commands, but you have, +for many months, been leading a double life, facing me every day, while +you were secretly and continually disobeying me. I shudder to think +where this determination of yours to have what you desire at any price +will lead you in the future. It is just such a desire that distinguishes +wicked men from good." + +I will not linger upon a scene the very remembrance of which is painful +to this day.... I went from my father's presence in disgrace, in an +agony of spirit that was overwhelming, to lock the door of my room and +drop face downward on the bed, to sob until my muscles twitched. For he +had, indeed, put into me an awful fear. The greatest horror of my boyish +imagination was a wicked man. Was I, as he had declared, utterly +depraved and doomed in spite of myself to be one? + +There came a knock at my door--Ella with my supper. I refused to open, +and sent her away, to fall on my knees in the darkness and pray wildly to +a God whose attributes and character were sufficiently confused in my +mind. On the one hand was the stern, despotic Monarch of the Westminster +Catechism, whom I addressed out of habit, the Father who condemned a +portion of his children from the cradle. Was I one of those who he had +decreed before I was born must suffer the tortures of the flames of hell? +Putting two and two together, what I had learned in Sunday school and +gathered from parts of Dr. Pound's sermons, and the intimation of my +father that wickedness was within me, like an incurable disease,--was not +mine the logical conclusion? What, then, was the use of praying?... My +supplications ceased abruptly. And my ever ready imagination, stirred to +its depths, beheld that awful scene of the last day: the darkness, such +as sometimes creeps over the city in winter, when the jaundiced smoke +falls down and we read at noonday by gas-light. I beheld the tortured +faces of the wicked gathered on the one side, and my mother on the other +amongst the blessed, gazing across the gulf at me with yearning and +compassion. Strange that it did not strike me that the sight of the +condemned whom they had loved in life would have marred if not destroyed +the happiness of the chosen, about to receive their crowns and harps! +What a theology--that made the Creator and Preserver of all mankind thus +illogical! + + + + +III. + +Although I was imaginative, I was not morbidly introspective, and by the +end of the first day of my incarceration my interest in that solution had +waned. At times, however, I actually yearned for someone in whom I could +confide, who could suggest a solution. I repeat, I would not for worlds +have asked my father or my mother or Dr. Pound, of whom I had a wholesome +fear, or perhaps an unwholesome one. Except at morning Bible reading and +at church my parents never mentioned the name of the Deity, save to +instruct me formally. Intended or no, the effect of my religious +training was to make me ashamed of discussing spiritual matters, and +naturally I failed to perceive that this was because it laid its emphasis +on personal salvation.... I did not, however, become an unbeliever, for +I was not of a nature to contemplate with equanimity a godless +universe.... + +My sufferings during these series of afternoon confinements did not come +from remorse, but were the result of a vague sense of injury; and their +effect was to generate within me a strange motive power, a desire to do +something that would astound my father and eventually wring from him the +confession that he had misjudged me. To be sure, I should have to wait +until early manhood, at least, for the accomplishment of such a coup. +Might it not be that I was an embryonic literary genius? Many were the +books I began in this ecstasy of self-vindication, only to abandon them +when my confinement came to an end. + +It was about this time, I think, that I experienced one of those shocks +which have a permanent effect upon character. It was then the custom for +ladies to spend the day with one another, bringing their sewing; and +sometimes, when I unexpectedly entered the sitting-room, the voices of my +mother's visitors would drop to a whisper. One afternoon I returned from +school to pause at the head of the stairs. Cousin Bertha Ewan and Mrs. +McAlery were discussing with my mother an affair that I judged from the +awed tone in which they spoke might prove interesting. + +"Poor Grace," Mrs. McAlery was saying, "I imagine she's paid a heavy +penalty. No man alive will be faithful under those circumstances." + +I stopped at the head of the stairs, with a delicious, guilty feeling. + +"Have they ever heard of her?" Cousin Bertha asked. + +"It is thought they went to Spain," replied Mrs. McAlery, solemnly, yet +not without a certain zest. "Mr. Jules Hollister will not have her name +mentioned in his presence, you know. And Whitcomb chased them as far as +New York with a horse-pistol in his pocket. The report is that he got to +the dock just as the ship sailed. And then, you know, he went to live +somewhere out West,--in Iowa, I believe." + +"Did he ever get a divorce?" Cousin Bertha inquired. + +"He was too good a church member, my dear," my mother reminded her. + +"Well, I'd have got one quick enough, church member or no church member," +declared Cousin Bertha, who had in her elements of daring. + +"Not that I mean for a moment to excuse her," Mrs. McAlery put in, "but +Edward Whitcomb did have a frightful temper, and he was awfully strict +with her, and he was old enough, anyhow, to be her father. Grace +Hollister was the last woman in the world I should have suspected of +doing so hideous a thing. She was so sweet and simple." + +"Jennings was very attractive," said my Cousin Bertha. "I don't think I +ever saw a handsomer man. Now, if he had looked at me--" + +The sentence was never finished, for at this crucial moment I dropped a +grammar.... + +I had heard enough, however, to excite my curiosity to the highest pitch. +And that evening, when I came in at five o'clock to study, I asked my +mother what had become of Gene Hollister's aunt. + +"She went away, Hugh," replied my mother, looking greatly troubled. + +"Why?" I persisted. + +"It is something you are too young to understand." + +Of course I started an investigation, and the next day at school I asked +the question of Gene Hollister himself, only to discover that he believed +his aunt to be dead! And that night he asked his mother if his Aunt +Grace were really alive, after all? Whereupon complications and +explanations ensued between our parents, of which we saw only the surface +signs.... My father accused me of eavesdropping (which I denied), and +sentenced me to an afternoon of solitary confinement for repeating +something which I had heard in private. I have reason to believe that my +mother was also reprimanded. + +It must not be supposed that I permitted the matter to rest. In addition +to Grits Jarvis, there was another contraband among my acquaintances, +namely, Alec Pound, the scrape-grace son of the Reverend Doctor Pound. +Alec had an encyclopaedic mind, especially well stocked with the kind of +knowledge I now desired; first and last he taught me much, which I would +better have got in another way. To him I appealed and got the story, my +worst suspicions being confirmed. Mrs. Whitcomb's house had been across +the alley from that of Mr. Jennings, but no one knew that anything was +"going on," though there had been signals from the windows--the +neighbours afterwards remembered.... + +I listened shudderingly. + +"But," I cried, "they were both married!" + +"What difference does that make when you love a woman?" Alec replied +grandly. "I could tell you much worse things than that." + +This he proceeded to do. Fascinated, I listened with a sickening +sensation. It was a mild afternoon in spring, and we stood in the deep +limestone gutter in front of the parsonage, a little Gothic wooden house +set in a gloomy yard. + +"I thought," said I, "that people couldn't love any more after they were +married, except each other." + +Alec looked at me pityingly. + +"You'll get over that notion," he assured me. + +Thus another ingredient entered my character. Denied its food at home, +good food, my soul eagerly consumed and made part of itself the +fermenting stuff that Alec Pound so willing distributed. And it was +fermenting stuff. Let us see what it did to me. Working slowly but +surely, it changed for me the dawning mystery of sex into an evil instead +of a holy one. The knowledge of the tragedy of Grace Hollister started +me to seeking restlessly, on bookshelves and elsewhere, for a secret that +forever eluded me, and forever led me on. The word fermenting aptly +describes the process begun, suggesting as it does something closed up, +away from air and sunlight, continually working in secret, engendering +forces that fascinated, yet inspired me with fear. Undoubtedly this +secretiveness of our elders was due to the pernicious dualism of their +orthodox Christianity, in which love was carnal and therefore evil, and +the flesh not the gracious soil of the spirit, but something to be +deplored and condemned, exorcised and transformed by the miracle of +grace. Now love had become a terrible power (gripping me) whose +enchantment drove men and women from home and friends and kindred to the +uttermost parts of the earth.... + +It was long before I got to sleep that night after my talk with Alec +Pound. I alternated between the horror and the romance of the story I +had heard, supplying for myself the details he had omitted: I beheld the +signals from the windows, the clandestine meetings, the sudden and +desperate flight. And to think that all this could have happened in our +city not five blocks from where I lay! + +My consternation and horror were concentrated on the man,--and yet I +recall a curious bifurcation. Instead of experiencing that automatic +righteous indignation which my father and mother had felt, which had +animated old Mr. Jules Hollister when he had sternly forbidden his +daughter's name to be mentioned in his presence, which had made these +people outcasts, there welled up within me an intense sympathy and pity. +By an instinctive process somehow linked with other experiences, I seemed +to be able to enter into the feelings of these two outcasts, to +understand the fearful yet fascinating nature of the impulse that had led +them to elude the vigilance and probity of a world with which I myself +was at odds. I pictured them in a remote land, shunned by mankind. Was +there something within me that might eventually draw me to do likewise? +The desire in me to which my father had referred, which would brook no +opposition, which twisted and squirmed until it found its way to its +object? I recalled the words of Jarvis, the carpenter, that if I ever +set my heart on another man's wife, God help him. God help me! + +A wicked man! I had never beheld the handsome and fascinating Mr. +Jennings, but I visualised him now; dark, like all villains, with a black +moustache and snapping black eyes. He carried a cane. I always +associated canes with villains. Whereupon I arose, groped for the +matches, lighted the gas, and gazing at myself in the mirror was a little +reassured to find nothing sinister in my countenance.... + +Next to my father's faith in a Moral Governor of the Universe was his +belief in the Tariff and the Republican Party. And this belief, among +others, he handed on to me. On the cinder playground of the Academy we +Republicans used to wage, during campaigns, pitched battles for the +Tariff. It did not take a great deal of courage to be a Republican in +our city, and I was brought up to believe that Democrats were irrational, +inferior, and--with certain exceptions like the Hollisters--dirty beings. +There was only one degree lower, and that was to be a mugwump. It was no +wonder that the Hollisters were Democrats, for they had a queer streak in +them; owing, no doubt, to the fact that old Mr. Jules Hollister's mother +had been a Frenchwoman. He looked like a Frenchman, by the way, and +always wore a skullcap. + +I remember one autumn afternoon having a violent quarrel with Gene +Hollister that bade fair to end in blows, when he suddenly demanded:-- + +"I'll bet you anything you don't know why you're a Republican." + +"It's because I'm for the Tariff," I replied triumphantly. + +But his next question floored me. What, for example, was the Tariff? I +tried to bluster it out, but with no success. + +"Do you know?" I cried finally, with sudden inspiration. + +It turned out that he did not. + +"Aren't we darned idiots," he asked, "to get fighting over something we +don't know anything about?" + +That was Gene's French blood, of course. But his question rankled. And +how was I to know that he would have got as little satisfaction if he had +hurled it into the marching ranks of those imposing torch-light +processions which sometimes passed our house at night, with drums beating +and fifes screaming and torches waving,--thousands of citizens who were +for the Tariff for the same reason as I: to wit, because they were +Republicans. + +Yet my father lived and died in the firm belief that the United States of +America was a democracy! + +Resolved not to be caught a second time in such a humiliating position by +a Democrat, I asked my father that night what the Tariff was. But I was +too young to understand it, he said. I was to take his word for it that +the country would go to the dogs if the Democrats got in and the Tariff +were taken away. Here, in a nutshell, though neither he nor I realized +it, was the political instruction of the marching hordes. Theirs not to +reason why. I was too young, they too ignorant. Such is the method of +Authority! + +The steel-mills of Mr. Durrett and Mr. Hambleton, he continued, would be +forced to shut down, and thousands of workmen would starve. This was +just a sample of what would happen. Prosperity would cease, he declared. +That word, Prosperity, made a deep impression on me, and I recall the +certain reverential emphasis he laid on it. And while my solicitude for +the workmen was not so great as his and Mr. Durrett's, I was concerned as +to what would happen to us if those twin gods, the Tariff and Prosperity, +should take their departure from the land. Knowing my love for the good +things of the table, my father intimated, with a rare humour I failed to +appreciate, that we should have to live henceforth in spartan simplicity. +After that, like the intelligent workman, I was firmer than ever for the +Tariff. + +Such was the idealistic plane on which--and from a good man--I received +my first political instruction! And for a long time I connected the +dominance of the Republican Party with the continuation of manna and +quails, in other words, with nothing that had to do with the spiritual +welfare of any citizen, but with clothing and food and material comforts. +My education was progressing.... + +Though my father revered Plato and Aristotle, he did not, apparently, +take very seriously the contention that that government alone is good +"which seeks to attain the permanent interests of the governed by +evolving the character of its citizens." To put the matter brutally, +politics, despite the lofty sentiments on the transparencies in +torchlight processions, had only to do with the belly, not the soul. + +Politics and government, one perceives, had nothing to do with religion, +nor education with any of these. A secularized and disjointed world! +Our leading citizens, learned in the classics though some of them might +be, paid no heed to the dictum of the Greek idealist, who was more +practical than they would have supposed. "The man who does not carry his +city within his heart is a spiritual starveling." + +One evening, a year or two after that tariff campaign, I was pretending +to study my lessons under the student lamp in the sitting-room while my +mother sewed and my father wrote at his desk, when there was a ring at +the door-bell. I welcomed any interruption, even though the visitor +proved to be only the druggist's boy; and there was always the +possibility of a telegram announcing, for instance, the death of a +relative. Such had once been the case when my Uncle Avery Paret had died +in New York, and I was taken out of school for a blissful four days for +the funeral. + +I went tiptoeing into the hall and peeped over the banisters while Ella +opened the door. I heard a voice which I recognized as that of Perry +Blackwood's father asking for Mr. Paret; and then to my astonishment, I +saw filing after him into the parlour some ten or twelve persons. With +the exception of Mr. Ogilvy, who belonged to one of our old families, and +Mr. Watling, a lawyer who had married the youngest of Gene Hollister's +aunts, the visitors entered stealthily, after the manner of burglars; +some of these were heavy-jowled, and all had an air of mystery that +raised my curiosity and excitement to the highest pitch. I caught hold +of Ella as she came up the stairs, but she tore herself free, and +announced to my father that Mr. Josiah Blackwood and other gentlemen had +asked to see him. My father seemed puzzled as he went downstairs.... A +long interval elapsed, during which I did not make even a pretence of +looking at my arithmetic. At times the low hum of voices rose to what +was almost an uproar, and on occasions I distinguished a marked Irish +brogue. + +"I wonder what they want?" said my mother, nervously. + +At last we heard the front door shut behind them, and my father came +upstairs, his usually serene face wearing a disturbed expression. + +"Who in the world was it, Mr. Paret?" asked my mother. + +My father sat down in the arm-chair. He was clearly making an effort for +self-control. + +"Blackwood and Ogilvy and Watling and some city politicians," he +exclaimed. + +"Politicians!" she repeated. "What did they want? That is, if it's +anything you can tell me," she added apologetically. + +"They wished me to be the Republican candidate for the mayor of this +city." + +This tremendous news took me off my feet. My father mayor! + +"Of course you didn't consider it, Mr. Paret," my mother was saying. + +"Consider it!" he echoed reprovingly. "I can't imagine what Ogilvy and +Watling and Josiah Blackwood were thinking of! They are out of their +heads. I as much as told them so." + +This was more than I could bear, for I had already pictured myself +telling the news to envious schoolmates. + +"Oh, father, why didn't you take it?" I cried. + +By this time, when he turned to me, he had regained his usual expression. + +"You don't know what you're talking about, Hugh," he said. "Accept a +political office! That sort of thing is left to politicians." + +The tone in which he spoke warned me that a continuation of the +conversation would be unwise, and my mother also understood that the +discussion was closed. He went back to his desk, and began writing again +as though nothing had happened. + +As for me, I was left in a palpitating state of excitement which my +father's self-control or sang-froid only served to irritate and enhance, +and my head was fairly spinning as, covertly, I watched his pen steadily +covering the paper. + +How could he--how could any man of flesh and blood sit down calmly after +having been offered the highest honour in the gift of his community! And +he had spurned it as if Mr. Blackwood and the others had gratuitously +insulted him! And how was it, if my father so revered the Republican +Party that he would not suffer it to be mentioned slightingly in his +presence, that he had refused contemptuously to be its mayor?... + +The next day at school, however, I managed to let it be known that the +offer had been made and declined. After all, this seemed to make my +father a bigger man than if he had accepted it. Naturally I was asked +why he had declined it. + +"He wouldn't take it," I replied scornfully. "Office-holding should be +left to politicians." + +Ralph Hambleton, with his precocious and cynical knowledge of the world, +minimized my triumph by declaring that he would rather be his +grandfather, Nathaniel Durrett, than the mayor of the biggest city in the +country. Politicians, he said, were bloodsuckers and thieves, and the +only reason for holding office was that it enabled one to steal the +taxpayers' money.... + +As I have intimated, my vision of a future literary career waxed and +waned, but a belief that I was going to be Somebody rarely deserted me. +If not a literary lion, what was that Somebody to be? Such an +environment as mine was woefully lacking in heroic figures to satisfy the +romantic soul. In view of the experience I have just related, it is not +surprising that the notion of becoming a statesman did not appeal to me; +nor is it to be wondered at, despite the somewhat exaggerated respect and +awe in which Ralph's grandfather was held by my father and other +influential persons, that I failed to be stirred by the elements of +greatness in the grim personality of our first citizen, the iron-master. +For he possessed such elements. He lived alone in Ingrain Street in an +uncompromising mansion I always associated with the Sabbath, not only +because I used to be taken there on decorous Sunday visits by my father, +but because it was the very quintessence of Presbyterianism. The moment +I entered its "portals"--as Mr. Hawthorne appropriately would have called +them--my spirit was overwhelmed and suffocated by its formality and +orderliness. Within its stern walls Nathaniel Durrett had made a model +universe of his own, such as the Deity of the Westminster Confession had +no doubt meant his greater one to be if man had not rebelled and foiled +him.... It was a world from which I was determined to escape at any +cost. + +My father and I were always ushered into the gloomy library, with its +high ceiling, with its long windows that reached almost to the rococo +cornice, with its cold marble mantelpiece that reminded me of a +tombstone, with its interminable book shelves filled with yellow +bindings. On the centre table, in addition to a ponderous Bible, was one +of those old-fashioned carafes of red glass tipped with blue surmounted +by a tumbler of blue tipped with red. Behind this table Mr. Durrett sat +reading a volume of sermons, a really handsome old man in his black tie +and pleated shirt; tall and spare, straight as a ramrod, with a finely +moulded head and straight nose and sinewy hands the colour of mulberry +stain. He called my father by his first name, an immense compliment, +considering how few dared to do so. + +"Well, Matthew," the old man would remark, after they had discussed Dr. +Pound's latest flight on the nature of the Trinity or the depravity of +man, or horticulture, or the Republican Party, "do you have any better +news of Hugh at school?" + +"I regret to say, Mr. Durrett," my father would reply, "that he does not +yet seem to be aroused to a sense of his opportunities." + +Whereupon Mr. Durrett would gimble me with a blue eye that lurked beneath +grizzled brows, quite as painful a proceeding as if he used an iron tool. +I almost pity myself when I think of what a forlorn stranger I was in +their company. They two, indeed, were of one kind, and I of another sort +who could never understand them,--nor they me. To what depths of despair +they reduced me they never knew, and yet they were doing it all for my +good! They only managed to convince me that my love of folly was +ineradicable, and that I was on my way head first for perdition. I +always looked, during these excruciating and personal moments, at the +coloured glass bottle. + +"It grieves me to hear it, Hugh," Mr. Durrett invariably declared. +"You'll never come to any good without study. Now when I was your +age..." + +I knew his history by heart, a common one in this country, although he +made an honourable name instead of a dishonourable one. And when I +contrast him with those of his successors whom I was to know later...! +But I shall not anticipate. American genius had not then evolved the +false entry method of overcapitalization. A thrilling history, Mr. +Durrett's, could I but have entered into it. I did not reflect then that +this stern old man must have throbbed once; nay, fire and energy still +remained in his bowels, else he could not have continued to dominate a +city. Nor did it occur to me that the great steel-works that lighted the +southern sky were the result of a passion, of dreams similar to those +possessing me, but which I could not express. He had founded a family +whose position was virtually hereditary, gained riches which for those +days were great, compelled men to speak his name with a certain awe. But +of what use were such riches as his when his religion and morality +compelled him to banish from him all the joys in the power of riches to +bring? + +No, I didn't want to be an iron-master. But it may have been about this +time that I began to be impressed with the power of wealth, the adulation +and reverence it commanded, the importance in which it clothed all who +shared in it.... + +The private school I attended in the company of other boys with whom I +was brought up was called Densmore Academy, a large, square building of a +then hideous modernity, built of smooth, orange-red bricks with threads +of black mortar between them. One reads of happy school days, yet I fail +to recall any really happy hours spent there, even in the yard, which was +covered with black cinders that cut you when you fell. I think of it as +a penitentiary, and the memory of the barred lower windows gives +substance to this impression. + +I suppose I learned something during the seven years of my incarceration. +All of value, had its teachers known anything of youthful psychology, of +natural bent, could have been put into me in three. At least four +criminally wasted years, to say nothing of the benumbing and desiccating +effect of that old system of education! Chalk and chalk-dust! The +Mediterranean a tinted portion of the map, Italy a man's boot which I +drew painfully, with many yawns; history no glorious epic revealing as it +unrolls the Meaning of Things, no revelation of that wondrous +distillation of the Spirit of man, but an endless marching and counter- +marching up and down the map, weary columns of figures to be learned by +rote instantly to be forgotten again. "On June the 7th General So-and-so +proceeded with his whole army--" where? What does it matter? One little +chapter of Carlyle, illuminated by a teacher of understanding, were worth +a million such text-books. Alas, for the hatred of Virgil! "Paret" (a +shiver), "begin at the one hundred and thirtieth line and translate!" I +can hear myself droning out in detestable English a meaningless portion +of that endless journey of the pious AEneas; can see Gene Hollister, with +heart-rending glances of despair, stumbling through Cornelius Nepos in an +unventilated room with chalk-rubbed blackboards and heavy odours of ink +and stale lunch. And I graduated from Densmore Academy, the best school +in our city, in the 80's, without having been taught even the rudiments +of citizenship. + +Knowledge was presented to us as a corpse, which bit by bit we painfully +dissected. We never glimpsed the living, growing thing, never +experienced the Spirit, the same spirit that was able magically to waft +me from a wintry Lyme Street to the South Seas, the energizing, +electrifying Spirit of true achievement, of life, of God himself. Little +by little its flames were smothered until in manhood there seemed no +spark of it left alive. Many years were to pass ere it was to revive +again, as by a miracle. I travelled. Awakening at dawn, I saw, framed +in a port-hole, rose-red Seriphos set in a living blue that paled the +sapphire; the seas Ulysses had sailed, and the company of the Argonauts. +My soul was steeped in unimagined colour, and in the memory of one +rapturous instant is gathered what I was soon to see of Greece, is +focussed the meaning of history, poetry and art. I was to stand one +evening in spring on the mound where heroes sleep and gaze upon the plain +of Marathon between darkening mountains and the blue thread of the strait +peaceful now, flushed with pink and white blossoms of fruit and almond +trees; to sit on the cliff-throne whence a Persian King had looked down +upon a Salamis fought and lost.... In that port-hole glimpse a +Themistocles was revealed, a Socrates, a Homer and a Phidias, an +AEschylus, and a Pericles; yes, and a John brooding Revelations on his +sea-girt rock as twilight falls over the waters.... + +I saw the Roman Empire, that Scarlet Woman whose sands were dyed crimson +with blood to appease her harlotry, whose ships were laden with treasures +from the immutable East, grain from the valley of the Nile, spices from +Arabia, precious purple stuffs from Tyre, tribute and spoil, slaves and +jewels from conquered nations she absorbed; and yet whose very emperors +were the unconscious instruments of a Progress they wot not of, preserved +to the West by Marathon and Salamis. With Caesar's legions its message +went forth across Hispania to the cliffs of the wild western ocean, +through Hercynian forests to tribes that dwelt where great rivers roll up +their bars by misty, northern seas, and even to Celtic fastnesses beyond +the Wall.... + + + + +IV. + +In and out of my early memories like a dancing ray of sunlight flits the +spirit of Nancy. I was always fond of her, but in extreme youth I +accepted her incense with masculine complacency and took her allegiance +for granted, never seeking to fathom the nature of the spell I exercised +over her. Naturally other children teased me about her; but what was +worse, with that charming lack of self-consciousness and consideration +for what in after life are called the finer feelings, they teased her +about me before me, my presence deterring them not at all. I can see +them hopping around her in the Peters yard crying out:-- + +"Nancy's in love with Hugh! Nancy's in love with Hugh!" + +A sufficiently thrilling pastime, this, for Nancy could take care of +herself. I was a bungler beside her when it came to retaliation, and not +the least of her attractions for me was her capacity for anger: fury +would be a better term. She would fly at them--even as she flew at the +head-hunters when the Petrel was menaced; and she could run like a deer. +Woe to the unfortunate victim she overtook! Masculine strength, +exercised apologetically, availed but little, and I have seen Russell +Peters and Gene Hollister retire from such encounters humiliated and +weeping. She never caught Ralph; his methods of torture were more +intelligent and subtle than Gene's and Russell's, but she was his equal +when it came to a question of tongues. + +"I know what's the matter with you, Ralph Hambleton," she would say. +"You're jealous." An accusation that invariably put him on the +defensive. "You think all the girls are in love with you, don't you?" + +These scenes I found somewhat embarrassing. Not so Nancy. After +discomfiting her tormenters, or wounding and scattering them, she would +return to my side.... In spite of her frankly expressed preference for +me she had an elusiveness that made a continual appeal to my imagination. +She was never obvious or commonplace, and long before I began to +experience the discomforts and sufferings of youthful love I was +fascinated by a nature eloquent with contradictions and inconsistencies. +She was a tomboy, yet her own sex was enhanced rather than overwhelmed by +contact with the other: and no matter how many trees she climbed she +never seemed to lose her daintiness. It was innate. + +She could, at times, be surprisingly demure. These impressions of her +daintiness and demureness are particularly vivid in a picture my memory +has retained of our walking together, unattended, to Susan Blackwood's +birthday party. She must have been about twelve years old. It was the +first time I had escorted her or any other girl to a party; Mrs. Willett +had smiled over the proceeding, but Nancy and I took it most seriously, +as symbolic of things to come. I can see Powell Street, where Nancy +lived, at four o'clock on a mild and cloudy December afternoon, the +decorous, retiring houses, Nancy on one side of the pavement by the iron +fences and I on the other by the tree boxes. I can't remember her dress, +only the exquisite sense of her slimness and daintiness comes back to me, +of her dark hair in a long braid tied with a red ribbon, of her slender +legs clad in black stockings of shining silk. We felt the occasion to be +somehow too significant, too eloquent for words.... + +In silence we climbed the flight of stone steps that led up to the +Blackwood mansion, when suddenly the door was opened, letting out sounds +of music and revelry. Mr. Blackwood's coloured butler, Ned, beamed at us +hospitably, inviting us to enter the brightness within. The shades were +drawn, the carpets were covered with festal canvas, the folding doors +between the square rooms were flung back, the prisms of the big +chandeliers flung their light over animated groups of matrons and +children. Mrs. Watling, the mother of the Watling twins--too young to be +present was directing with vivacity the game of "King William was King +James's son," and Mrs. McAlery was playing the piano. + + Now choose you East, now choose you West, + Now choose the one you love the best!" + +Tom Peters, in a velvet suit and consequently very miserable, refused to +embrace Ethel Hollister; while the scornful Julia lurked in a corner: +nothing would induce her to enter such a foolish game. I experienced a +novel discomfiture when Ralph kissed Nancy.... Afterwards came the +feast, from which Ham Durrett, in a pink paper cap with streamers, was at +length forcibly removed by his mother. Thus early did he betray his love +for the flesh pots.... + +It was not until I was sixteen that a player came and touched the keys of +my soul, and it awoke, bewildered, at these first tender notes. The +music quickened, tripping in ecstasy, to change by subtle phrases into +themes of exquisite suffering hitherto unexperienced. I knew that I +loved Nancy. + +With the advent of longer dresses that reached to her shoe tops a change +had come over her. The tomboy, the willing camp-follower who loved me +and was unashamed, were gone forever, and a mysterious, transfigured +being, neither girl nor woman, had magically been evolved. Could it be +possible that she loved me still? My complacency had vanished; suddenly +I had become the aggressor, if only I had known how to "aggress"; but in +her presence I was seized by an accursed shyness that paralyzed my +tongue, and the things I had planned to say were left unuttered. It was +something--though I did not realize it--to be able to feel like that. + +The time came when I could no longer keep this thing to myself. The need +of an outlet, of a confidant, became imperative, and I sought out Tom +Peters. It was in February; I remember because I had ventured--with +incredible daring--to send Nancy an elaborate, rosy Valentine; written on +the back of it in a handwriting all too thinly disguised was the +following verse, the triumphant result of much hard thinking in school +hours:-- + + Should you of this the sender guess + Without another sign, + Would you repent, and rest content + To be his Valentine + +I grew hot and cold by turns when I thought of its possible effects on my +chances. + +One of those useless, slushy afternoons, I took Tom for a walk that led +us, as dusk came on, past Nancy's house. Only by painful degrees did I +succeed in overcoming my bashfulness; but Tom, when at last I had blurted +out the secret, was most sympathetic, although the ailment from which I +suffered was as yet outside of the realm of his experience. I have used +the word "ailment" advisedly, since he evidently put my trouble in the +same category with diphtheria or scarlet fever, remarking that it was +"darned hard luck." In vain I sought to explain that I did not regard it +as such in the least; there was suffering, I admitted, but a degree of +bliss none could comprehend who had not felt it. He refused to be +envious, or at least to betray envy; yet he was curious, asking many +questions, and I had reason to think before we parted that his admiration +for me was increased. Was it possible that he, too, didn't love Nancy? +No, it was funny, but he didn't. He failed to see much in girls: his +tone remained commiserating, yet he began to take an interest in the +progress of my suit. + +For a time I had no progress to report. Out of consideration for those +members of our weekly dancing class whose parents were Episcopalians the +meetings were discontinued during Lent, and to call would have demanded a +courage not in me; I should have become an object of ridicule among my +friends and I would have died rather than face Nancy's mother and the +members of her household. I set about making ingenious plans with a view +to encounters that might appear casual. Nancy's school was dismissed at +two, so was mine. By walking fast I could reach Salisbury Street, near +St. Mary's Seminary for Young Ladies, in time to catch her, but even then +for many days I was doomed to disappointment. She was either in company +with other girls, or else she had taken another route; this I surmised +led past Sophy McAlery's house, and I enlisted Tom as a confederate. He +was to make straight for the McAlery's on Elm while I followed Powell, +two short blocks away, and if Nancy went to Sophy's and left there alone +he was to announce the fact by a preconcerted signal. Through long and +persistent practice he had acquired a whistle shrill enough to wake the +dead, accomplished by placing a finger of each hand between his teeth;--a +gift that was the envy of his acquaintances, and the subject of much +discussion as to whether his teeth were peculiar. Tom insisted that they +were; it was an added distinction. + +On this occasion he came up behind Nancy as she was leaving Sophy's gate +and immediately sounded the alarm. She leaped in the air, dropped her +school-books and whirled on him. + +"Tom Peters! How dare you frighten me so!" she cried. + +Tom regarded her in sudden dismay. + +"I--I didn't mean to," he said. "I didn't think you were so near." + +"But you must have seen me." + +"I wasn't paying much attention," he equivocated,--a remark not +calculated to appease her anger. + +"Why were you doing it?" + +"I was just practising," said Tom. + +"Practising!" exclaimed Nancy, scornfully. "I shouldn't think you needed +to practise that any more." + +"Oh, I've done it louder," he declared, "Listen!" + +She seized his hands, snatching them away from his lips. At this +critical moment I appeared around the corner considerably out of breath, +my heart beating like a watchman's rattle. I tried to feign nonchalance. + +"Hello, Tom," I said. "Hello, Nancy. What's the matter?" + +"It's Tom--he frightened me out of my senses." Dropping his wrists, she +gave me a most disconcerting look; there was in it the suspicion of a +smile. "What are you doing here, Hugh?" + +"I heard Tom," I explained. + +"I should think you might have. Where were you?" + +"Over in another street," I answered, with deliberate vagueness. Nancy +had suddenly become demure. I did not dare look at her, but I had a most +uncomfortable notion that she suspected the plot. Meanwhile we had begun +to walk along, all three of us, Tom, obviously ill at ease and +discomfited, lagging a little behind. Just before we reached the corner +I managed to kick him. His departure was by no means graceful. + +"I've got to go;" he announced abruptly, and turned down the side street. +We watched his sturdy figure as it receded. + +"Well, of all queer boys!" said Nancy, and we walked on again. + +"He's my best friend," I replied warmly. + +"He doesn't seem to care much for your company," said Nancy. + +"Oh, they have dinner at half past two," I explained. + +"Aren't you afraid of missing yours, Hugh?" she asked wickedly. + +"I've got time. I'd--I'd rather be with you." After making which +audacious remark I was seized by a spasm of apprehension. But nothing +happened. Nancy remained demure. She didn't remind me that I had +reflected upon Tom. + +"That's nice of you, Hugh." + +"Oh, I'm not saying it because it's nice," I faltered. "I'd rather be +with you than--with anybody." + +This was indeed the acme of daring. I couldn't believe I had actually +said it. But again I received no rebuke; instead came a remark that set +me palpitating, that I treasured for many weeks to come. + +"I got a very nice valentine," she informed me. + +"What was it like?" I asked thickly. + +"Oh, beautiful! All pink lace and--and Cupids, and the picture of a young +man and a young woman in a garden." + +"Was that all?" + +"Oh, no, there was a verse, in the oddest handwriting. I wonder who sent +it?" + +"Perhaps Ralph," I hazarded ecstatically. + +"Ralph couldn't write poetry," she replied disdainfully. "Besides, it +was very good poetry." + +I suggested other possible authors and admirers. She rejected them all. +We reached her gate, and I lingered. As she looked down at me from the +stone steps her eyes shone with a soft light that filled me with +radiance, and into her voice had come a questioning, shy note that +thrilled the more because it revealed a new Nancy of whom I had not +dreamed. + +"Perhaps I'll meet you again--coming from school," I said. + +"Perhaps," she answered. "You'll be late to dinner, Hugh, if you don't +go...." + +I was late, and unable to eat much dinner, somewhat to my mother's alarm. +Love had taken away my appetite.... After dinner, when I was wandering +aimlessly about the yard, Tom appeared on the other side of the fence. + +"Don't ever ask me to do that again," he said gloomily. + +I did meet Nancy again coming from school, not every day, but nearly +every day. At first we pretended that there was no arrangement in this, +and we both feigned surprise when we encountered one another. It was +Nancy who possessed the courage that I lacked. One afternoon she said:-- + +"I think I'd better walk with the girls to-morrow, Hugh." + +I protested, but she was firm. And after that it was an understood thing +that on certain days I should go directly home, feeling like an exile. +Sophy McAlery had begun to complain: and I gathered that Sophy was +Nancy's confidante. The other girls had begun to gossip. It was Nancy +who conceived the brilliant idea--the more delightful because she said +nothing about it to me--of making use of Sophy. She would leave school +with Sophy, and I waited on the corner near the McAlery house. Poor +Sophy! She was always of those who piped while others danced. In those +days she had two straw-coloured pigtails, and her plain, faithful face is +before me as I write. She never betrayed to me the excitement that +filled her at being the accomplice of our romance. + +Gossip raged, of course. Far from being disturbed, we used it, so to +speak, as a handle for our love-making, which was carried on in an +inferential rather than a direct fashion. Were they saying that we were +lovers? Delightful! We laughed at one another in the sunshine.... At +last we achieved the great adventure of a clandestine meeting and went +for a walk in the afternoon, avoiding the houses of our friends. I've +forgotten which of us had the boldness to propose it. The crocuses and +tulips had broken the black mould, the flower beds in the front yards +were beginning to blaze with scarlet and yellow, the lawns had turned a +living green. What did we talk about? The substance has vanished, only +the flavour remains. + +One awoke of a morning to the twittering of birds, to walk to school +amidst delicate, lace-like shadows of great trees acloud with old gold: +the buds lay curled like tiny feathers on the pavements. Suddenly the +shade was dense, the sunlight white and glaring, the odour of lilacs +heavy in the air, spring in all its fulness had come,--spring and Nancy. +Just so subtly, yet with the same seeming suddenness had budded and come +to leaf and flower a perfect understanding ,which nevertheless remained +undefined. This, I had no doubt, was my fault, and due to the +incomprehensible shyness her presence continued to inspire. Although we +did not altogether abandon our secret trysts, we began to meet in more +natural ways; there were garden parties and picnics where we strayed +together through the woods and fields, pausing to tear off, one by one, +the petals of a daisy, "She loves me, she loves me not." I never +ventured to kiss her; I always thought afterwards I might have done so, +she had seemed so willing, her eyes had shone so expectantly as I sat +beside her on the grass; nor can I tell why I desired to kiss her save +that this was the traditional thing to do to the lady one loved. To be +sure, the very touch of her hand was galvanic. Paradoxically, I saw the +human side of her, the yielding gentleness that always amazed me, yet I +never overcame my awe of the divine; she was a being sacrosanct. Whether +this idealism were innate or the result of such romances as I had read I +cannot say.... I got, indeed, an avowal of a sort. The weekly dancing +classes having begun again, on one occasion when she had waltzed twice +with Gene Hollister I protested. + +"Don't be silly, Hugh," she whispered. "Of course I like you better than +anyone else--you ought to know that." + +We never got to the word "love," but we knew the feeling. + +One cloud alone flung its shadow across these idyllic days. Before I was +fully aware of it I had drawn very near to the first great junction-point +of my life, my graduation from Densmore Academy. We were to "change +cars," in the language of Principal Haime. Well enough for the fortunate +ones who were to continue the academic journey, which implied a +postponement of the serious business of life; but month after month of +the last term had passed without a hint from my father that I was to +change cars. Again and again I almost succeeded in screwing up my +courage to the point of mentioning college to him,--never quite; his +manner, though kind and calm, somehow strengthened my suspicion that I +had been judged and found wanting, and doomed to "business": galley +slavery, I deemed it, humdrum, prosaic, degrading! When I thought of it +at night I experienced almost a frenzy of self-pity. My father couldn't +intend to do that, just because my monthly reports hadn't always been +what he thought they ought to be! Gene Hollister's were no better, if as +good, and he was going to Princeton. Was I, Hugh Paret, to be denied the +distinction of being a college man, the delights of university existence, +cruelly separated and set apart from my friends whom I loved! held up to +the world and especially to Nancy Willett as good for nothing else! The +thought was unbearable. Characteristically, I hoped against hope. + +I have mentioned garden parties. One of our annual institutions was Mrs. +Willett's children's party in May; for the Willett house had a garden +that covered almost a quarter of a block. Mrs. Willett loved children, +the greatest regret of her life being that providence had denied her a +large family. As far back as my memory goes she had been something of an +invalid; she had a sweet, sad face, and delicate hands so thin as to seem +almost transparent; and she always sat in a chair under the great tree on +the lawn, smiling at us as we soared to dizzy heights in the swing, or +played croquet, or scurried through the paths, and in and out of the +latticed summer-house with shrieks of laughter and terror. It all ended +with a feast at a long table made of sawhorses and boards covered with a +white cloth, and when the cake was cut there was wild excitement as to +who would get the ring and who the thimble. + +We were more decorous, or rather more awkward now, and the party began +with a formal period when the boys gathered in a group and pretended +indifference to the girls. The girls were cleverer at it, and actually +achieved the impression that they were indifferent. We kept an eye on +them, uneasily, while we talked. To be in Nancy's presence and not alone +with Nancy was agonizing, and I wondered at a sang-froid beyond my power +to achieve, accused her of coldness, my sufferings being the greater +because she seemed more beautiful, daintier, more irreproachable than I +had ever seen her. Even at that early age she gave evidence of the +social gift, and it was due to her efforts that we forgot our best +clothes and our newly born self-consciousness. When I begged her to slip +away with me among the currant bushes she whispered:-- +"I can't, Hugh. I'm the hostess, you know." + +I had gone there in a flutter of anticipation, but nothing went right +that day. There was dancing in the big rooms that looked out on the +garden; the only girl with whom I cared to dance was Nancy, and she was +busy finding partners for the backward members of both sexes; though she +was my partner, to be sure, when it all wound up with a Virginia reel on +the lawn. Then, at supper, to cap the climax of untoward incidents, an +animated discussion was begun as to the relative merits of the various +colleges, the girls, too, taking sides. Mac Willett, Nancy's cousin, was +going to Yale, Gene Hollister to Princeton, the Ewan boys to our State +University, while Perry Blackwood and Ralph Hambleton and Ham Durrett +were destined for Harvard; Tom Peters, also, though he was not to +graduate from the Academy for another year. I might have known that +Ralph would have suspected my misery. He sat triumphantly next to Nancy +herself, while I had been told off to entertain the faithful Sophy. +Noticing my silence, he demanded wickedly:-- + +"Where are you going, Hugh?" + +"Harvard, I think," I answered with as bold a front as I could muster. +"I haven't talked it over with my father yet." It was intolerable to +admit that I of them all was to be left behind. + +Nancy looked at me in surprise. She was always downright. + +"Oh, Hugh, doesn't your father mean to put you in business?" she +exclaimed. + +A hot flush spread over my face. Even to her I had not betrayed my +apprehensions on this painful subject. Perhaps it was because of this +very reason, knowing me as she did, that she had divined my fate. Could +my father have spoken of it to anyone? + +"Not that I know of," I said angrily. I wondered if she knew how deeply +she had hurt me. The others laughed. The colour rose in Nancy's cheeks, +and she gave me an appealing, almost tearful look, but my heart had +hardened. As soon as supper was over I left the table to wander, nursing +my wrongs, in a far corner of the garden, gay shouts and laughter still +echoing in my ears. I was negligible, even my pathetic subterfuge had +been detected and cruelly ridiculed by these friends whom I had always +loved and sought out, and who now were so absorbed in their own prospects +and happiness that they cared nothing for mine. And Nancy! I had been +betrayed by Nancy!... Twilight was coming on. I remember glancing down +miserably at the new blue suit I had put on so hopefully for the first +time that afternoon. + +Separating the garden from the street was a high, smooth board fence with +a little gate in it, and I had my hand on the latch when I heard the +sound of hurrying steps on the gravel path and a familiar voice calling +my name. + +"Hugh! Hugh!" + +I turned. Nancy stood before me. + +"Hugh, you're not going!" + +"Yes, I am." + +"Why?" + +"If you don't know, there's no use telling you." + +"Just because I said your father intended to put you in business! Oh, +Hugh, why are you so foolish and so proud? Do you suppose that anyone-- +that I--think any the worse of you?" + +Yes, she had read me, she alone had entered into the source of that +prevarication, the complex feelings from which it sprang. But at that +moment I could not forgive her for humiliating me. I hugged my +grievance. + +"It was true, what I said," I declared hotly. "My father has not spoken. +It is true that I'm going to college, because I'll make it true. I may +not go this year." + +She stood staring in sheer surprise at sight of my sudden, quivering +passion. I think the very intensity of it frightened her. And then, +without more ado, I opened the gate and was gone.... + +That night, though I did not realize it, my journey into a Far Country +was begun. + +The misery that followed this incident had one compensating factor. +Although too late to electrify Densmore and Principal Haime with my +scholarship, I was determined to go to college now, somehow, sometime. I +would show my father, these companions of mine, and above all Nancy +herself the stuff of which I was made, compel them sooner or later to +admit that they had misjudged me. I had been possessed by similar +resolutions before, though none so strong, and they had a way of sinking +below the surface of my consciousness, only to rise again and again until +by sheer pressure they achieved realization. + +Yet I might have returned to Nancy if something had not occurred which I +would have thought unbelievable: she began to show a marked preference +for Ralph Hambleton. At first I regarded this affair as the most obvious +of retaliations. She, likewise, had pride. Gradually, however, a +feeling of uneasiness crept over me: as pretence, her performance was +altogether too realistic; she threw her whole soul into it, danced with +Ralph as often as she had ever danced with me, took walks with him, +deferred to his opinions until, in spite of myself, I became convinced +that the preference was genuine. I was a curious mixture of self- +confidence and self-depreciation, and never had his superiority seemed +more patent than now. His air of satisfaction was maddening. + +How well I remember his triumph on that hot, June morning of our +graduation from Densmore, a triumph he had apparently achieved without +labour, and which he seemed to despise. A fitful breeze blew through the +chapel at the top of the building; we, the graduates, sat in two rows +next to the platform, and behind us the wooden benches nicked by many +knives--were filled with sisters and mothers and fathers, some anxious, +some proud and some sad. So brief a span, like that summer's day, and +youth was gone! Would the time come when we, too, should sit by the +waters of Babylon and sigh for it? The world was upside down. + +We read the one hundred and third psalm. Then Principal Haime, in his +long "Prince Albert" and a ridiculously inadequate collar that emphasized +his scrawny neck, reminded us of the sacred associations we had formed, +of the peculiar responsibilities that rested on us, who were the +privileged of the city. "We had crossed to-day," he said, "an invisible +threshold. Some were to go on to higher institutions of learning. +Others..." I gulped. Quoting the Scriptures, he complimented those who +had made the most of their opportunities. And it was then that he called +out, impressively, the name of Ralph Forrester Hambleton. Summa cum +laude! Suddenly I was seized with passionate, vehement regrets at the +sound of the applause. I might have been the prize scholar, instead of +Ralph, if I had only worked, if I had only realized what this focussing +day of graduation meant! I might have been a marked individual, with +people murmuring words of admiration, of speculation concerning the +brilliancy of my future!... When at last my name was called and I rose +to receive my diploma it seemed as though my incompetency had been +proclaimed to the world... + +That evening I stood in the narrow gallery of the flag-decked gymnasium +and watched Nancy dancing with Ralph. + +I let her go without protest or reproach. A mysterious lesion seemed to +have taken place, I felt astonished and relieved, yet I was heavy with +sadness. My emancipation had been bought at a price. Something hitherto +spontaneous, warm and living was withering within me. + + + + +V. + +It was true to my father's character that he should have waited until the +day after graduation to discuss my future, if discussion be the proper +word. The next evening at supper he informed me that he wished to talk +to me in the sitting-room, whither I followed him with a sinking heart. +He seated himself at his desk, and sat for a moment gazing at me with a +curious and benumbing expression, and then the blow fell. + +"Hugh, I have spoken to your Cousin Robert Breck about you, and he has +kindly consented to give you a trial." + +"To give me a trial, sir!" I exclaimed. + +"To employ you at a small but reasonable salary." + +I could find no words to express my dismay. My dreams had come to this, +that I was to be made a clerk in a grocery store! The fact that it was a +wholesale grocery store was little consolation. + +"But father," I faltered, "I don't want to go into business." + +"Ah!" The sharpness of the exclamation might have betrayed to me the +pain in which he was, but he recovered himself instantly. And I could +see nothing but an inexorable justice closing in on me mechanically; a +blind justice, in its inability to read my soul. "The time to have +decided that," he declared, "was some years ago, my son. I have given +you the best schooling a boy can have, and you have not shown the least +appreciation of your advantages. I do not enjoy saying this, Hugh, but +in spite of all my efforts and of those of your mother, you have remained +undeveloped and irresponsible. My hope, as you know, was to have made +you a professional man, a lawyer, and to take you into my office. My +father and grandfather were professional men before me. But you are +wholly lacking in ambition." + +And I had burned with it all my life! + +"I have ambition," I cried, the tears forcing themselves to my eyes. + +"Ambition--for what, my son?" + +I hesitated. How could I tell him that my longings to do something, to +be somebody in the world were never more keen than at that moment? +Matthew Arnold had not then written his definition of God as the stream +of tendency by which we fulfil the laws of our being; and my father, at +any rate, would not have acquiesced in the definition. Dimly but +passionately I felt then, as I had always felt, that I had a mission to +perform, a service to do which ultimately would be revealed to me. But +the hopelessness of explaining this took on, now, the proportions of a +tragedy. And I could only gaze at him. + +"What kind of ambition, Hugh?" he repeated sadly. + +"I--I have sometimes thought I could write, sir, if I had a chance. I +like it better than anything else. I--I have tried it. And if I could +only go to college--" + +"Literature!" There was in his voice a scandalized note. + +"Why not, father?" I asked weakly. + +And now it was he who, for the first time, seemed to be at a loss to +express himself. He turned in his chair, and with a sweep of the hand +indicated the long rows of musty-backed volumes. "Here," he said, "you +have had at your disposal as well-assorted a small library as the city +contains, and you have not availed yourself of it. Yet you talk to me of +literature as a profession. I am afraid, Hugh, that this is merely +another indication of your desire to shun hard work, and I must tell you +frankly that I fail to see in you the least qualification for such a +career. You have not even inherited my taste for books. I venture to +say, for instance, that you have never even read a paragraph of Plutarch, +and yet when I was your age I was completely familiar with the Lives. +You will not read Scott or Dickens." + +The impeachment was not to be denied, for the classics were hateful to +me. Naturally I was afraid to make such a damning admission. My father +had succeeded in presenting my ambition as the height of absurdity and +presumption, and with something of the despair of a shipwrecked mariner +my eyes rested on the green expanses of those book-backs, Bohn's Standard +Library! Nor did it occur to him or to me that one might be great in +literature without having read so much as a gritty page of them.... + +He finished his argument by reminding me that worthless persons sought to +enter the arts in the search for a fool's paradise, and in order to +satisfy a reprehensible craving for notoriety. The implication was +clear, that imaginative production could not be classed as hard work. +And he assured me that literature was a profession in which no one could +afford to be second class. A Longfellow, a Harriet Beecher Stowe, or +nothing. This was a practical age and a practical country. We had +indeed produced Irvings and Hawthornes, but the future of American +letters was, to say the least, problematical. We were a utilitarian +people who would never create a great literature, and he reminded me that +the days of the romantic and the picturesque had passed. He gathered +that I desired to be a novelist. Well, novelists, with certain +exceptions, were fantastic fellows who blew iridescent soap-bubbles and +who had no morals. In the face of such a philosophy as his I was mute. +The world appeared a dreary place of musty offices and smoky steel-works, +of coal dust, of labour without a spark of inspiration. And that other, +the world of my dreams, simply did not exist. + +Incidentally my father had condemned Cousin Robert's wholesale grocery +business as a refuge of the lesser of intellect that could not achieve +the professions,--an inference not calculated to stir my ambition and +liking for it at the start. + +I began my business career on the following Monday morning. At +breakfast, held earlier than usual on my account, my mother's sympathy +was the more eloquent for being unspoken, while my father wore an air of +unwonted cheerfulness; charging me, when I departed, to give his kindest +remembrances to my Cousin Robert Breck. With a sense of martyrdom +somehow deepened by this attitude of my parents I boarded a horse-car and +went down town. Early though it was, the narrow streets of the wholesale +district reverberated with the rattle of trucks and echoed with the +shouts of drivers. The day promised to be scorching. At the door of the +warehouse of Breck and Company I was greeted by the ineffable smell of +groceries in which the suggestion of parched coffee prevailed. This is +the sharpest remembrance of all, and even to-day that odour affects me +somewhat in the manner that the interior of a ship affects a person prone +to seasickness. My Cousin Robert, in his well-worn alpaca coat, was +already seated at his desk behind the clouded glass partition next the +alley at the back of the store, and as I entered he gazed at me over his +steel-rimmed spectacles with that same disturbing look of clairvoyance I +have already mentioned as one of his characteristics. The grey eyes were +quizzical, and yet seemed to express a little commiseration. + +"Well, Hugh, you've decided to honour us, have you?" he asked. + +"I'm much obliged for giving me the place, Cousin Robert," I replied. + +But he had no use for that sort of politeness, and he saw through me, as +always. + +"So you're not too tony for the grocery business, eh?" + +"Oh, no, sir." + +"It was good enough for old Benjamin Breck," he said. "Well, I'll give +you a fair trial, my boy, and no favouritism on account of relationship, +any more than to Willie." + +His strong voice resounded through the store, and presently my cousin +Willie appeared in answer to his summons, the same Willie who used to +lead me, on mischief bent, through the barns and woods and fields of +Claremore. He was barefoot no longer, though freckled still, grown lanky +and tall; he wore a coarse blue apron that fell below his knees, and a +pencil was stuck behind his ear. + +"Get an apron for Hugh," said his father. + +Willie's grin grew wider. + +"I'll fit him out," he said. + +"Start him in the shipping department," directed Cousin Robert, and +turned to his letters. + +I was forthwith provided with an apron, and introduced to the slim and +anaemic but cheerful Johnny Hedges, the shipping clerk, hard at work in +the alley. Secretly I looked down on my fellow-clerks, as one destined +for a higher mission, made out of better stuff,--finer stuff. Despite my +attempt to hide this sense of superiority they were swift to discover it; +and perhaps it is to my credit as well as theirs that they did not resent +it. Curiously enough, they seemed to acknowledge it. Before the week +was out I had earned the nickname of Beau Brummel. + +"Say, Beau," Johnny Hedges would ask, when I appeared of a morning, "what +happened in the great world last night?" + +I had an affection for them, these fellow-clerks, and I often wondered at +their contentment with the drab lives they led, at their self- +congratulation for "having a job" at Breck and Company's. + +"You don't mean to say you like this kind of work?" I exclaimed one day +to Johnny Hedges, as we sat on barrels of XXXX flour looking out at the +hot sunlight in the alley. + +"It ain't a question of liking it, Beau," he rebuked me. "It's all very +well for you to talk, since your father's a millionaire" (a fiction so +firmly embedded in their heads that no amount of denial affected it), +"but what do you think would happen to me if I was fired? I couldn't go +home and take it easy--you bet not. I just want to shake hands with +myself when I think that I've got a home, and a job like this. I know a +feller--a hard worker he was, too who walked the pavements for three +months when the Colvers failed, and couldn't get nothing, and took to +drink, and the last I heard of him he was sleeping in police stations and +walking the ties, and his wife's a waitress at a cheap hotel. Don't you +think it's easy to get a job." + +I was momentarily sobered by the earnestness with which he brought home +to me the relentlessness of our civilization. It seemed incredible. I +should have learned a lesson in that store. Barring a few discordant +days when the orders came in too fast or when we were short handed +because of sickness, it was a veritable hive of happiness; morning after +morning clerks and porters arrived, pale, yet smiling, and laboured with +cheerfulness from eight o'clock until six, and departed as cheerfully for +modest homes in obscure neighbourhoods that seemed to me areas of exile. +They were troubled with no visions of better things. When the travelling +men came in from the "road" there was great hilarity. Important +personages, these, looked up to by the city clerks; jolly, reckless, +Elizabethan-like rovers, who had tasted of the wine of liberty--and of +other wines with the ineradicable lust for the road in their blood. No +more routine for Jimmy Bowles, who was king of them all. I shudder to +think how much of my knowledge of life I owe to this Jimmy, whose stories +would have filled a quarto volume, but could on no account have been +published; for a self-respecting post-office would not have allowed them +to pass through the mails. As it was, Jimmy gave them circulation +enough. I can still see his round face, with the nose just indicated, +his wicked, twinkling little eyes, and I can hear his husky voice fall to +a whisper when "the boss" passed through the store. Jimmy, when visiting +us, always had a group around him. His audacity with women amazed me, +for he never passed one of the "lady clerks" without some form of caress, +which they resented but invariably laughed at. One day he imparted to me +his code of morality: he never made love to another man's wife, so he +assured me, if he knew the man! The secret of life he had discovered in +laughter, and by laughter he sold quantities of Cousin Robert's +groceries. + +Mr. Bowles boasted of a catholic acquaintance in all the cities of his +district, but before venturing forth to conquer these he had learned his +own city by heart. My Cousin Robert was not aware of the fact that Mr. +Bowles "showed" the town to certain customers. He even desired to show +it to me, but an epicurean strain in my nature held me back. Johnny +Hedges went with him occasionally, and Henry Schneider, the bill clerk, +and I listened eagerly to their experiences, afterwards confiding them to +Tom.... + +There were times when, driven by an overwhelming curiosity, I ventured +into certain strange streets, alone, shivering with cold and excitement, +gripped by a fascination I did not comprehend, my eyes now averted, now +irresistibly raised toward the white streaks of light that outlined the +windows of dark houses.... + +One winter evening as I was going home, I encountered at the mail-box a +young woman who shot at me a queer, twisted smile. I stood still, as +though stunned, looking after her, and when halfway across the slushy +street she turned and smiled again. Prodigiously excited, I followed +her, fearful that I might be seen by someone who knew me, nor was it +until she reached an unfamiliar street that I ventured to overtake her. +She confounded me by facing me. + +"Get out!" she cried fiercely. + +I halted in my tracks, overwhelmed with shame. But she continued to +regard me by the light of the street lamp. + +"You didn't want to be seen with me on Second Street, did you? You're +one of those sneaking swells." + +The shock of this sudden onslaught was tremendous. I stood frozen to the +spot, trembling, convicted, for I knew that her accusation was just; I +had wounded her, and I had a desire to make amends. + +"I'm sorry," I faltered. "I didn't mean--to offend you. And you smiled--" +I got no farther. She began to laugh, and so loudly that I glanced +anxiously about. I would have fled, but something still held me, +something that belied the harshness of her laugh. + +"You're just a kid," she told me. "Say, you get along home, and tell +your mamma I sent you." + +Whereupon I departed in a state of humiliation and self-reproach I had +never before known, wandering about aimlessly for a long time. When at +length I arrived at home, late for supper, my mother's solicitude only +served to deepen my pain. She went to the kitchen herself to see if my +mince-pie were hot, and served me with her own hands. My father remained +at his place at the head of the table while I tried to eat, smiling +indulgently at her ministrations. + +"Oh, a little hard work won't hurt him, Sarah," he said. "When I was his +age I often worked until eleven o'clock and never felt the worse for it. +Business must be pretty good, eh, Hugh?" + +I had never seen him in a more relaxing mood, a more approving one. My +mother sat down beside me.... Words seem useless to express the +complicated nature of my suffering at that moment,--my remorse, my sense +of deception, of hypocrisy,--yes, and my terror. I tried to talk +naturally, to answer my father's questions about affairs at the store, +while all the time my eyes rested upon the objects of the room, familiar +since childhood. Here were warmth, love, and safety. Why could I not be +content with them, thankful for them? What was it in me that drove me +from these sheltering walls out into the dark places? I glanced at my +father. Had he ever known these wild, destroying desires? Oh, if I only +could have confided in him! The very idea of it was preposterous. Such +placidity as theirs would never understand the nature of my temptations, +and I pictured to myself their horror and despair at my revelation. In +imagination I beheld their figures receding while I drifted out to sea, +alone. Would the tide--which was somehow within me--carry me out and +out, in spite of all I could do? + + "Give me that man + That is not passion's slave, and I will wear him + In my heart's core...." + +I did not shirk my tasks at the store, although I never got over the +feeling that a fine instrument was being employed where a coarser one +would have done equally well. There were moments when I was almost +overcome by surges of self-commiseration and of impotent anger: for +instance, I was once driven out of a shop by an incensed German grocer +whom I had asked to settle a long-standing account. Yet the days passed, +the daily grind absorbed my energies, and when I was not collecting, or +tediously going over the stock in the dim recesses of the store, I was +running errands in the wholesale district, treading the burning brick of +the pavements, dodging heavy trucks and drays and perspiring clerks who +flew about with memorandum pads in their hands, or awaiting the pleasure +of bank tellers. Save Harvey, the venerable porter, I was the last to +leave the store in the evening, and I always came away with the taste on +my palate of Breck and Company's mail, it being my final duty to "lick" +the whole of it and deposit it in the box at the corner. The gum on the +envelopes tasted of winter-green. + +My Cousin Robert was somewhat astonished at my application. + +"We'll make a man of you yet, Hugh," he said to me once, when I had +performed a commission with unexpected despatch.... + +Business was his all-in-all, and he had an undisguised contempt for +higher education. To send a boy to college was, in his opinion, to run +no inconsiderable risk of ruining him. What did they amount to when they +came home, strutting like peacocks, full of fads and fancies, and much +too good to associate with decent, hard-working citizens? Nevertheless +when autumn came and my friends departed with eclat for the East, I was +desperate indeed! Even the contemplation of Robert Breck did not console +me, and yet here, in truth, was a life which might have served me as a +model. His store was his castle; and his reputation for integrity and +square dealing as wide as the city. Often I used to watch him with a +certain envy as he stood in the doorway, his hands in his pockets, and +greeted fellow-merchant and banker with his genuine and dignified +directness. This man was his own master. They all called him "Robert," +and they made it clear by their manner that they knew they were +addressing one who fulfilled his obligations and asked no favours. + +Crusty old Nathaniel Durrett once declared that when you bought a bill of +goods from Robert Breck you did not have to check up the invoice or +employ a chemist. Here was a character to mould upon. If my ambition +could but have been bounded by Breck and Company, I, too, might have come +to stand in that doorway content with a tribute that was greater than +Caesar's. + +I had been dreading the Christmas holidays, which were indeed to be no +holidays for me. And when at length they arrived they brought with them +from the East certain heroes fashionably clad, citizens now of a larger +world than mine. These former companions had become superior beings, +they could not help showing it, and their presence destroyed the Balance +of Things. For alas, I had not wholly abjured the feminine sex after +all! And from being a somewhat important factor in the lives of Ruth +Hollister and other young women I suddenly became of no account. New +interests, new rivalries and loyalties had arisen in which I had no +share; I must perforce busy myself with invoices of flour and coffee and +canned fruits while sleigh rides and coasting and skating expeditions to +Blackstone Lake followed one another day after day,--for the irony of +circumstances had decreed a winter uncommonly cold. There were evening +parties, too, where I felt like an alien, though my friends were guilty +of no conscious neglect; and had I been able to accept the situation +simply, I should not have suffered. + +The principal event of those holidays was a play given in the old +Hambleton house (which later became the Boyne Club), under the direction +of the lively and talented Mrs. Watling. I was invited, indeed, to +participate; but even if I had had the desire I could not have done so, +since the rehearsals were carried on in the daytime. Nancy was the +leading lady. I have neglected to mention that she too had been away +almost continuously since our misunderstanding, for the summer in the +mountains,--a sojourn recommended for her mother's health; and in the +autumn she had somewhat abruptly decided to go East to boarding-school at +Farmington. During the brief months of her absence she had marvellously +acquired maturity and aplomb, a worldliness of manner and a certain +frivolity that seemed to put those who surrounded her on a lower plane. +She was only seventeen, yet she seemed the woman of thirty whose role she +played. First there were murmurs, then sustained applause. I scarcely +recognized her: she had taken wings and soared far above me, suggesting a +sphere of power and luxury hitherto unimagined and beyond the scope of +the world to which I belonged. + +Her triumph was genuine. When the play was over she was immediately +surrounded by enthusiastic admirers eager to congratulate her, to dance +with her. I too would have gone forward, but a sense of inadequacy, of +unimportance, of an inability to cope with her, held me back, and from a +corner I watched her sweeping around the room, holding up her train, and +leaning on the arm of Bob Lansing, a classmate whom Ralph had brought +home from Harvard. Then it was Ralph's turn: that affair seemed still to +be going on. My feelings were a strange medley of despondency and +stimulation.... + +Our eyes met. Her partner now was Ham Durrett. Capriciously releasing +him, she stood before me, + +"Hugh, you haven't asked me to dance, or even told me what you thought of +the play." + +"I thought it was splendid," I said lamely. + +Because she refrained from replying I was farther than ever from +understanding her. How was I to divine what she felt? or whether any +longer she felt at all? Here, in this costume of a woman of the world, +with the string of pearls at her neck to give her the final touch of +brilliancy, was a strange, new creature who baffled and silenced me.... +We had not gone halfway across the room when she halted abruptly. + +"I'm tired," she exclaimed. "I don't feel like dancing just now," and +led the way to the big, rose punch-bowl, one of the Durretts' most +cherished possessions. Glancing up at me over the glass of lemonade I +had given her she went on: "Why haven't you been to see me since I came +home? I've wanted to talk to you, to hear how you are getting along." + +Was she trying to make amends, or reminding me in this subtle way of the +cause of our quarrel? What I was aware of as I looked at her was an +attitude, a vantage point apparently gained by contact with that +mysterious outer world which thus vicariously had laid its spell on me; +I was tremendously struck by the thought that to achieve this attitude +meant emancipation, invulnerability against the aches and pains which +otherwise our fellow-beings had the power to give us; mastery over life, +--the ability to choose calmly, as from a height, what were best for one's +self, untroubled by loves and hates. Untroubled by loves and hates! At +that very moment, paradoxically, I loved her madly, but with a love not +of the old quality, a love that demanded a vantage point of its own. +Even though she had made an advance--and some elusiveness in her manner +led me to doubt it I could not go to her now. I must go as a conqueror, +--a conqueror in the lists she herself had chosen, where the prize is +power. + +"Oh, I'm getting along pretty well," I said. "At any rate, they don't +complain of me." + +"Somehow," she ventured, "somehow it's hard to think of you as a business +man." + +I took this for a reference to the boast I had made that I would go to +college. + +"Business isn't so bad as it might be," I assured her. + +"I think a man ought to go away to college," she declared, in what seemed +another tone. "He makes friends, learns certain things,--it gives him +finish. We are very provincial here." + +Provincial! I did not stop to reflect how recently she must have +acquired the word; it summed up precisely the self-estimate at which I +had arrived. The sting went deep. Before I could think of an effective +reply Nancy was being carried off by the young man from the East, who was +clearly infatuated. He was not provincial. She smiled back at me +brightly over his shoulder.... In that instant were fused in one +resolution all the discordant elements within me of aspiration and +discontent. It was not so much that I would show Nancy what I intended +to do--I would show myself; and I felt a sudden elation, and accession of +power that enabled me momentarily to despise the puppets with whom she +danced.... From this mood I was awakened with a start to feel a hand on +my shoulder, and I turned to confront her father, McAlery Willett; a +gregarious, easygoing, pleasure-loving gentleman who made only a pretence +of business, having inherited an ample fortune from his father, unique +among his generation in our city in that he paid some attention to +fashion in his dress; good living was already beginning to affect his +figure. His mellow voice had a way of breaking an octave. + +"Don't worry, my boy," he said. "You stick to business. These college +fellows are cocks of the walk just now, but some day you'll be able to +snap your fingers at all of 'em." + +The next day was dark, overcast, smoky, damp-the soft, unwholesome +dampness that follows a spell of hard frost. I spent the morning and +afternoon on the gloomy third floor of Breck and Company, making a list +of the stock. I remember the place as though I had just stepped out of +it, the freight elevator at the back, the dusty, iron columns, the +continuous piles of cases and bags and barrels with narrow aisles between +them; the dirty windows, spotted and soot-streaked, that looked down on +Second Street. I was determined now to escape from all this, and I had +my plan in mind. + +No sooner had I swallowed my supper that evening than I set out at a +swift pace for a modest residence district ten blocks away, coming to a +little frame house set back in a yard,--one of those houses in which the +ringing of the front door-bell produces the greatest commotion; +children's voices were excitedly raised and then hushed. After a brief +silence the door was opened by a pleasant-faced, brown-bearded man, who +stood staring at me in surprise. His hair was rumpled, he wore an old +house coat with a hole in the elbow, and with one finger he kept his +place in the book which he held in his hand. + +"Hugh Paret!" he exclaimed. + +He ushered me into a little parlour lighted by two lamps, that bore every +evidence of having been recently vacated. Its features somehow bespoke a +struggle for existence; as though its occupants had worried much and +loved much. It was a room best described by the word "home"--home made +more precious by a certain precariousness. Toys and school-books strewed +the floor, a sewing-bag and apron lay across the sofa, and in one corner +was a roll-topped desk of varnished oak. The seats of the chairs were +comfortably depressed. + +So this was where Mr. Wood lived! Mr. Wood, instructor in Latin and +Greek at Densmore Academy. It was now borne in on me for the first time +that he did live and have his ties like any other human being, instead of +just appearing magically from nowhere on a platform in a chalky room at +nine every morning, to vanish again in the afternoon. I had formerly +stood in awe of his presence. But now I was suddenly possessed by an +embarrassment, and (shall I say it?) by a commiseration bordering on +contempt for a man who would consent to live thus for the sake of being a +schoolteacher. How strange that civilization should set such a high +value on education and treat its functionaries with such neglect! + +Mr. Wood's surprise at seeing me was genuine. For I had never shown a +particular interest in him, nor in the knowledge which he strove to +impart. + +"I thought you had forgotten me, Hugh," he said, and added whimsically: +"most boys do, when they graduate." + +I felt the reproach, which made it the more difficult for me to state my +errand. + +"I knew you sometimes took pupils in the evening, Mr. Wood." + +"Pupils,--yes," he replied, still eyeing me. Suddenly his eyes twinkled. +He had indeed no reason to suspect me of thirsting for learning. "But I +was under the impression that you had gone into business, Hugh." + +"The fact is, sir," I explained somewhat painfully, "that I am not +satisfied with business. I feel--as if I ought to know more. And I came +to see if you would give me lessons about three nights a week, because I +want to take the Harvard examinations next summer." + +Thus I made it appear, and so persuaded myself, that my ambition had been +prompted by a craving for knowledge. As soon as he could recover himself +he reminded me that he had on many occasions declared I had a brain. + +"Your father must be very happy over this decision of yours," he said. + +That was the point, I told him. It was to be a surprise for my father; I +was to take the examinations first, and inform him afterwards. + +To my intense relief, Mr. Wood found the scheme wholly laudable, and +entered into it with zest. He produced examinations of preceding years +from a pigeonhole in his desk, and inside of half an hour the arrangement +was made, the price of the lessons settled. They were well within my +salary, which recently had been raised.... + +When I went down town, or collecting bills for Breck and Company, I took +a text-book along with me in the street-cars. Now at last I had behind +my studies a driving force. Algebra, Latin, Greek and history became +worth while, means to an end. I astonished Mr. Wood; and sometimes he +would tilt back his chair, take off his spectacles and pull his beard. + +"Why in the name of all the sages," he would demand, "couldn't you have +done this well at school? You might have led your class, instead of +Ralph Hambleton." + +I grew very fond of Mr. Wood, and even of his thin little wife, who +occasionally flitted into the room after we had finished. I fully +intended to keep up with them in after life, but I never did. I forgot +them completely.... + +My parents were not wholly easy in their minds concerning me; they were +bewildered by the new aspect I presented. For my lately acquired motive +was strong enough to compel me to restrict myself socially, and the +evenings I spent at home were given to study, usually in my own room. +Once I was caught with a Latin grammar: I was just "looking over it," I +said. My mother sighed. I knew what was in her mind; she had always +been secretly disappointed that I had not been sent to college. And +presently, when my father went out to attend a trustee's meeting, the +impulse to confide in her almost overcame me; I loved her with that +affection which goes out to those whom we feel understand us, but I was +learning to restrain my feelings. She looked at me wistfully.... I knew +that she would insist on telling my father, and thus possibly frustrate +my plans. That I was not discovered was due to a certain quixotic twist +in my father's character. I was working now, and though not actually +earning my own living, he no longer felt justified in prying into my +affairs. + +When June arrived, however, my tutor began to show signs that his +conscience was troubling him, and one night he delivered his ultimatum. +The joke had gone far enough, he implied. My intentions, indeed, he +found praiseworthy, but in his opinion it was high time that my father +were informed of them; he was determined to call at my father's office. + +The next morning was blue with the presage of showers; blue, too, with +the presage of fate. An interminable morning. My tasks had become +utterly distasteful. And in the afternoon, so when I sat down to make +out invoices, I wrote automatically the names of the familiar customers, +my mind now exalted by hope, now depressed by anxiety. The result of an +interview perhaps even now going on would determine whether or no I +should be immediately released from a slavery I detested. Would Mr. Wood +persuade my father? If not, I was prepared to take more desperate +measures; remain in the grocery business I would not. In the evening, as +I hurried homeward from the corner where the Boyne Street car had dropped +me, I halted suddenly in front of the Peters house, absorbing the scene +where my childhood had been spent: each of these spreading maples was an +old friend, and in these yards I had played and dreamed. An +unaccountable sadness passed over me as I walked on toward our gate; I +entered it, gained the doorway of the house and went upstairs, glancing +into the sitting room. My mother sat by the window, sewing. She looked +up at me with an ineffable expression, in which I read a trace of tears. + +"Hugh!" she exclaimed. + +I felt very uncomfortable, and stood looking down at her. + +"Why didn't you tell us, my son?" In her voice was in truth reproach; +yet mingled with that was another note, which I think was pride. + +"What has father said?" I asked. + +"Oh, my dear, he will tell you himself. I--I don't know--he will talk to +you." + +Suddenly she seized my hands and drew me down to her, and then held me +away, gazing into my face with a passionate questioning, her lips +smiling, her eyes wet. What did she see? Was there a subtler +relationship between our natures than I guessed? Did she understand by +some instinctive power the riddle within me? divine through love the +force that was driving me on she knew not whither, nor I? At the sound +of my father's step in the hall she released me. He came in as though +nothing had happened. + +"Well, Hugh, are you home?" he said.... + +Never had I been more impressed, more bewildered by his self-command than +at that time. Save for the fact that my mother talked less than usual, +supper passed as though nothing had happened. Whether I had shaken him, +disappointed him, or gained his reluctant approval I could not tell. +Gradually his outward calmness turned my suspense to irritation.... + +But when at length we were alone together, I gained a certain +reassurance. His manner was not severe. He hesitated a little before +beginning. + +"I must confess, Hugh; that I scarcely know what to say about this +proceeding of yours. The thing that strikes me most forcibly is that you +might have confided in your mother and myself." + +Hope flashed up within me, like an explosion. + +"I--I wanted to surprise you, father. And then, you see, I thought it +would be wiser to find out first how well I was likely to do at the +examinations." + +My father looked at me. Unfortunately he possessed neither a sense of +humour nor a sense of tragedy sufficient to meet such a situation. For +the first time in my life I beheld him at a disadvantage; for I had, +somehow, managed at length to force him out of position, and he was +puzzled. I was quick to play my trump card. + +"I have been thinking it over carefully," I told him, "and I have made up +my mind that I want to go into the law." + +"The law!" he exclaimed sharply. + +"Why, yes, sir. I know that you were disappointed because I did not do +sufficiently well at school to go to college and study for the bar." + +I felt indeed a momentary pang, but I remembered that I was fighting for +my freedom. + +"You seemed satisfied where you were," he said in a puzzled voice, "and +your Cousin Robert gives a good account of you." + +"I've tried to do the work as well as I could, sir," I replied. "But I +don't like the grocery business, or any other business. I have a feeling +that I'm not made for it." + +"And you think, now, that you are made for the law?" he asked, with the +faint hint of a smile. + +"Yes, sir, I believe I could succeed at it. I'd like to try," I replied +modestly. + +"You've given up the idiotic notion of wishing to be an author?" + +I implied that he himself had convinced me of the futility of such a +wish. I listened to his next words as in a dream. + +"I must confess to you, Hugh, that there are times when I fail to +understand you. I hope it is as you say, that you have arrived at a +settled conviction as to your future, and that this is not another of +those caprices to which you have been subject, nor a desire to shirk +honest work. Mr. Wood has made out a strong case for you, and I have +therefore determined to give you a trial. If you pass the examinations +with credit, you may go to college, but if at any time you fail to make +good progress, you come home, and go into business again. Is that +thoroughly understood?" + +I said it was, and thanked him effusively.... I had escaped,--the prison +doors had flown open. But it is written that every happiness has its +sting; and my joy, intense though it was, had in it a core of remorse.... + +I went downstairs to my mother, who was sitting in the hall by the open +door. + +"Father says I may go!" I said. + +She got up and took me in her arms. + +"My dear, I am so glad, although we shall miss you dreadfully.... Hugh?" + +"Yes, mother." + +"Oh, Hugh, I so want you to be a good man!" + +Her cry was a little incoherent, but fraught with a meaning that came +home to me, in spite of myself.... + +A while later I ran over to announce to the amazed Tom Peters that I was +actually going to Harvard with him. He stood in the half-lighted +hallway, his hands in his pockets, blinking at me. + +"Hugh, you're a wonder!" he cried. "How in Jehoshaphat did you work +it?"... + +I lay long awake that night thinking over the momentous change so soon to +come into my life, wondering exultantly what Nancy Willett would say now. +I was not one, at any rate, to be despised or neglected. + + + + +VI. + +The following September Tom Peters and I went East together. In the +early morning Boston broke on us like a Mecca as we rolled out of the old +Albany station, joint lords of a "herdic." How sharply the smell of the +salt-laden east wind and its penetrating coolness come back to me! I +seek in vain for words to express the exhilarating effect of that briny +coolness on my imagination, and of the visions it summoned up of the +newer, larger life into which I had marvellously been transported. We +alighted at the Parker House, full-fledged men of the world, and tried to +act as though the breakfast of which we partook were merely an incident, +not an Event; as though we were Seniors, and not freshmen, assuming an +indifference to the beings by whom we were surrounded and who were +breakfasting, too,--although the nice-looking ones with fresh faces and +trim clothes were all undoubtedly Olympians. The better to proclaim our +nonchalance, we seated ourselves on a lounge of the marble-paved lobby +and smoked cigarettes. This was liberty indeed! At length we departed +for Cambridge, in another herdic. + +Boston! Could it be possible? Everything was so different here as to +give the place the aspect of a dream: the Bulfinch State House, the +decorous shops, the still more decorous dwellings with the purple-paned +windows facing the Common; Back Bay, still boarded up, ivy-spread, +suggestive of a mysterious and delectable existence. We crossed the +Charles River, blue-grey and still that morning; traversed a nondescript +district, and at last found ourselves gazing out of the windows at the +mellowed, plum-coloured bricks of the University buildings.... All at +once our exhilaration evaporated as the herdic rumbled into a side street +and backed up before the door of a not-too-inviting, three-storied house +with a queer extension on top. Its steps and vestibule were, however, +immaculate. The bell was answered by a plainly overworked servant girl, +of whom we inquired for Mrs. Bolton, our landlady. There followed a +period of waiting in a parlour from which the light had been almost +wholly banished, with slippery horsehair furniture and a marble-topped +table; and Mrs. Bolton, when she appeared, dressed in rusty black, +harmonized perfectly with the funereal gloom. She was a tall, rawboned, +severe lady with a peculiar red-mottled complexion that somehow reminded +one of the outcropping rocks of her native New England soil. + +"You want to see your rooms, I suppose," she remarked impassively when we +had introduced ourselves, and as we mounted the stairs behind her Tom, in +a whisper, nicknamed her "Granite Face." Presently she left us. + +"Hospitable soul!" said Tom, who, with his hands in his pockets, was +gazing at the bare walls of our sitting-room. "We'll have to go into the +house-furnishing business, Hughie. I vote we don't linger here to-day-- +we'll get melancholia." + +Outside, however, the sun was shining brightly, and we departed +immediately to explore Cambridge and announce our important presences to +the proper authorities.... We went into Boston to dine.... It was not +until nine o'clock in the evening that we returned and the bottom +suddenly dropped out of things. He who has tasted that first, acute +homesickness of college will know what I mean. It usually comes at the +opening of one's trunk. The sight of the top tray gave me a pang I shall +never forget. I would not have believed that I loved my mother so much! +These articles had been packed by her hands; and in one corner, among the +underclothes on which she had neatly sewed my initials, lay the new Bible +she had bought. "Hugh Moreton Paret, from his Mother. September, 1881." +I took it up (Tom was not looking) and tried to read a passage, but my +eyes were blurred. What was it within me that pressed and pressed until +I thought I could bear the pain of it no longer? I pictured the sitting- +room at home, and my father and mother there, thinking of me. Yes, I +must acknowledge it; in the bitterness of that moment I longed to be back +once more in the railed-off space on the floor of Breck and Company, +writing invoices.... + +Presently, as we went on silently with our unpacking, we became aware of +someone in the doorway. + +"Hello, you fellows!" he cried. "We're classmates, I guess." + +We turned to behold an ungainly young man in an ill-fitting blue suit. +His face was pimply, his eyes a Teutonic blue, his yellow hair rumpled, +his naturally large mouth was made larger by a friendly grin. + +"I'm Hermann Krebs," he announced simply. "Who are you?" + +We replied, I regret to say, with a distinct coolness that did not seem +to bother him in the least. He advanced into the room, holding out a +large, red, and serviceable hand, evidently it had never dawned on him +that there was such a thing in the world as snobbery. But Tom and I had +been "coached" by Ralph Hambleton and Perry Blackwood, warned to be +careful of our friendships. There was a Reason! In any case Mr. Krebs +would not have appealed to us. In answer to a second question he was +informed what city we hailed from, and he proclaimed himself likewise a +native of our state. + +"Why, I'm from Elkington!" he exclaimed, as though the fact sealed our +future relationships. He seated himself on Tom's trunk and added: +"Welcome to old Harvard!" + +We felt that he was scarcely qualified to speak for "old Harvard," but we +did not say so. + +"You look as if you'd been pall-bearers for somebody," was his next +observation. + +To this there seemed no possible reply. + +"You fellows are pretty well fixed here," he went on, undismayed, gazing +about a room which had seemed to us the abomination of desolation. "Your +folks must be rich. I'm up under the skylight." + +Even this failed to touch us. His father--he told us with undiminished +candour--had been a German emigrant who had come over in '49, after the +cause of liberty had been lost in the old country, and made eye-glasses +and opera glasses. There hadn't been a fortune in it. He, Hermann, had +worked at various occupations in the summer time, from peddling to +farming, until he had saved enough to start him at Harvard. Tom, who had +been bending over his bureau drawer, straightened up. + +"What did you want to come here for?" he demanded. + +"Say, what did you?" Mr. Krebs retorted genially. "To get an education, +of course." + +"An education!" echoed Tom. + +"Isn't Harvard the oldest and best seat of learning in America,?" There +was an exaltation in Krebs's voice that arrested my attention, and made +me look at him again. A troubled chord had been struck within me. + +"Sure," said Tom. + +"What did you come for?" Mr. Krebs persisted. + +"To sow my wild oats," said Tom. "I expect to have something of a crop, +too." + +For some reason I could not fathom, it suddenly seemed to dawn on Mr. +Krebs, as a result of this statement, that he wasn't wanted. + +"Well, so long," he said, with a new dignity that curiously belied the +informality of his farewell. + +An interval of silence followed his departure. + +"Well, he's got a crust!" said Tom, at last. + +My own feeling about Mr. Krebs had become more complicated; but I took my +cue from Tom, who dealt with situations simply. + +"He'll come in for a few knockouts," he declared. "Here's to old +Harvard, the greatest institution of learning in America! Oh, gee!" + +Our visitor, at least, made us temporarily forget our homesickness, but +it returned with redoubled intensity when we had put out the lights and +gone to bed. + +Before we had left home it had been mildly hinted to us by Ralph and +Perry Blackwood that scholarly eminence was not absolutely necessary to +one's welfare and happiness at Cambridge. The hint had been somewhat +superfluous; but the question remained, what was necessary? With a view +of getting some light on this delicate subject we paid a visit the next +evening to our former friends and schoolmates, whose advice was conveyed +with a masterly circumlocution that impressed us both. There are some +things that may not be discussed directly, and the conduct of life at a +modern university--which is a reflection of life in the greater world--is +one of these. Perry Blackwood and Ham did most of the talking, while +Ralph, characteristically, lay at full length on the window-seat, +interrupting with an occasional terse and cynical remark very much to the +point. As a sophomore, he in particular seemed lifted immeasurably above +us, for he was--as might have been expected already a marked man in his +class. The rooms which he shared with his cousin made a tremendous +impression on Tom and me, and seemed palatial in comparison to our +quarters at Mrs. Bolton's, eloquent of the freedom and luxury of +undergraduate existence; their note, perhaps, was struck by the profusion +of gay sofa pillows, then something of an innovation. The heavy, +expensive furniture was of a pattern new to me; and on the mantel were +three or four photographs of ladies in the alluring costume of the +musical stage, in which Tom evinced a particular interest. + +"Did grandfather send 'em?" he inquired. + +"They're Ham's," said Ralph, and he contrived somehow to get into those +two words an epitome of his cousin's character. Ham was stouter, and his +clothes were more striking, more obviously expensive than ever.... On +our way homeward, after we had walked a block or two in silence, Tom +exclaimed:-- + +"Don't make friends with the friendless!--eh, Hughie? We knew enough to +begin all right, didn't we?"... + +Have I made us out a pair of deliberate, calculating snobs? Well, after +all it must be remembered that our bringing up had not been of sufficient +liberality to include the Krebses of this world. We did not, indeed, +spend much time in choosing and weighing those whom we should know and +those whom we should avoid; and before the first term of that Freshman +year was over Tom had become a favourite. He had the gift of making men +feel that he delighted in their society, that he wished for nothing +better than to sit for hours in their company, content to listen to the +arguments that raged about him. Once in a while he would make a droll +observation that was greeted with fits of laughter. He was always +referred to as "old Tom," or "good old Tom"; presently, when he began to +pick out chords on the banjo, it was discovered that he had a good tenor +voice, though he could not always be induced to sing.... Somewhat to the +jeopardy of the academic standard that my father expected me to sustain, +our rooms became a rendezvous for many clubable souls whose maudlin, +midnight attempts at harmony often set the cocks crowing. + + "Free from care and despair, + What care we? + 'Tis wine, 'tis wine + That makes the jollity." + +As a matter of truth, on these occasions it was more often beer; beer +transported thither in Tom's new valise,--given him by his mother,--and +stuffed with snow to keep the bottles cold. Sometimes Granite Face, +adorned in a sky-blue wrapper, would suddenly appear in the doorway to +declare that we were a disgrace to her respectable house: the university +authorities should be informed, etc., etc. Poor woman, we were +outrageously inconsiderate of her.... One evening as we came through the +hall we caught a glimpse in the dimly lighted parlour of a young man +holding a shy and pale little girl on his lap, Annie, Mrs. Bolton's +daughter: on the face of our landlady was an expression I had never seen +there, like a light. I should scarcely have known her. Tom and I paused +at the foot of the stairs. He clutched my arm. + +"Darned if it wasn't our friend Krebs!" he whispered. + +While I was by no means so popular as Tom, I got along fairly well. I +had escaped from provincialism, from the obscure purgatory of the +wholesale grocery business; new vistas, exciting and stimulating, had +been opened up; nor did I offend the sensibilities and prejudices of the +new friends I made, but gave a hearty consent to a code I found +congenial. I recognized in the social system of undergraduate life at +Harvard a reflection of that of a greater world where I hoped some day to +shine; yet my ambition did not prey upon me. Mere conformity, however, +would not have taken me very far in a sphere from which I, in common with +many others, desired not to be excluded.... One day, in an idle but +inspired moment, I paraphrased a song from "Pinafore," applying it to a +college embroglio, and the brief and lively vogue it enjoyed was +sufficient to indicate a future usefulness. I had "found myself." This +was in the last part of the freshman year, and later on I became a sort +of amateur, class poet-laureate. Many were the skits I composed, and Tom +sang them.... + +During that freshman year we often encountered Hermann Krebs, whistling +merrily, on the stairs. + +"Got your themes done?" he would inquire cheerfully. + +And Tom would always mutter, when he was out of earshot: "He has got a +crust!" + +When I thought about Krebs at all,--and this was seldom indeed,--his +manifest happiness puzzled me. Our cool politeness did not seem to +bother him in the least; on the contrary, I got the impression that it +amused him. He seemed to have made no friends. And after that first +evening, memorable for its homesickness, he never ventured to repeat his +visit to us. + +One windy November day I spied his somewhat ludicrous figure striding +ahead of me, his trousers above his ankles. I was bundled up in a new +ulster,--of which I was secretly quite proud,--but he wore no overcoat at +all. + +"Well, how are you getting along?" I asked, as I overtook him. + +He made clear, as he turned, his surprise that I should have addressed +him at all, but immediately recovered himself. + +"Oh, fine," he responded. "I've had better luck than I expected. I'm +correspondent for two or three newspapers. I began by washing windows, +and doing odd jobs for the professors' wives." He laughed. "I guess +that doesn't strike you as good luck." + +He showed no resentment at my patronage, but a self-sufficiency that made +my sympathy seem superfluous, giving the impression of an inner harmony +and content that surprised me. + +"I needn't ask how you're getting along," he said.... + +At the end of the freshman year we abandoned Mrs. Bolton's for more +desirable quarters. + +I shall not go deeply into my college career, recalling only such +incidents as, seen in the retrospect, appear to have had significance. I +have mentioned my knack for song-writing; but it was not, I think, until +my junior year there was startlingly renewed in me my youthful desire to +write, to create something worth while, that had so long been dormant. + +The inspiration came from Alonzo Cheyne, instructor in English; a +remarkable teacher, in spite of the finicky mannerisms which Tom +imitated. And when, in reading aloud certain magnificent passages, he +forgot his affectations, he managed to arouse cravings I thought to have +deserted me forever. Was it possible, after all, that I had been right +and my father wrong? that I might yet be great in literature? + +A mere hint from Alonzo Cheyne was more highly prized by the grinds than +fulsome praise from another teacher. And to his credit it should be +recorded that the grinds were the only ones he treated with any +seriousness; he took pains to answer their questions; but towards the +rest of us, the Chosen, he showed a thinly veiled contempt. None so +quick as he to detect a simulated interest, or a wily effort to make him +ridiculous; and few tried this a second time, for he had a rapier-like +gift of repartee that transfixed the offender like a moth on a pin. He +had a way of eyeing me at times, his glasses in his hand, a queer smile +on his lips, as much as to imply that there was one at least among the +lost who was made for better things. Not that my work was poor, but I +knew that it might have been better. Out of his classes, however, beyond +the immediate, disturbing influence of his personality I would relapse +into indifference.... + +Returning one evening to our quarters, which were now in the "Yard," +I found Tom seated with a blank sheet before him, thrusting his hand +through his hair and biting the end of his penholder to a pulp. In his +muttering, which was mixed with the curious, stingless profanity of which +he was master, I caught the name of Cheyne, and I knew that he was facing +the crisis of a fortnightly theme. The subject assigned was a narrative +of some personal experience, and it was to be handed in on the morrow. +My own theme was already, written. + +"I've been holding down this chair for an hour, and I can't seem to think +of a thing." He rose to fling himself down on the lounge. "I wish I was +in Canada." + +"Why Canada?" + +"Trout fishing with Uncle Jake at that club of his where he took me last +summer." Tom gazed dreamily at the ceiling. "Whenever I have some +darned foolish theme like this to write I want to go fishing, and I want +to go like the devil. I'll get Uncle Jake to take you, too, next +summer." + +"I wish you would." + +"Say, that's living all right, Hughie, up there among the tamaracks and +balsams!" And he began, for something like the thirtieth time, to relate +the adventures of the trip. + +As he talked, the idea presented itself to me with sudden fascination to +use this incident as the subject of Tom's theme; to write it for him, +from his point of view, imitating the droll style he would have had if he +had been able to write; for, when he was interested in any matter, his +oral narrative did not lack vividness. I began to ask him questions: +what were the trees like, for instance? How did the French-Canadian +guides talk? He had the gift of mimicry: aided by a partial knowledge of +French I wrote down a few sentences as they sounded. The canoe had upset +and he had come near drowning. I made him describe his sensations. + +"I'll write your theme for you," I exclaimed, when he had finished. + +"Gee, not about that!" + +"Why not? It's a personal experience." + +His gratitude was pathetic.... By this time I was so full of the subject +that it fairly clamoured for expression, and as I wrote the hours flew. +Once in a while I paused to ask him a question as he sat with his chair +tilted back and his feet on the table, reading a detective story. I +sketched in the scene with bold strokes; the desolate bois brule on the +mountain side, the polished crystal surface of the pool broken here and +there with the circles left by rising fish; I pictured Armand, the guide, +his pipe between his teeth, holding the canoe against the current; and I +seemed to smell the sharp tang of the balsams, to hear the roar of the +rapids below. Then came the sudden hooking of the big trout, habitant +oaths from Armand, bouleversement, wetness, darkness, confusion; a half- +strangled feeling, a brief glimpse of green things and sunlight, and then +strangulation, or what seemed like it; strangulation, the sense of being +picked up and hurled by a terrific force whither? a blinding whiteness, +in which it was impossible to breathe, one sharp, almost unbearable pain, +then another, then oblivion.... Finally, awakening, to be confronted by +a much worried Uncle Jake. + +By this time the detective story had fallen to the floor, and Tom was +huddled up in his chair, asleep. He arose obediently and wrapped a wet +towel around his head, and began to write. Once he paused long enough to +mutter:-- + +"Yes, that's about it,--that's the way I felt!" and set to work again, +mechanically,--all the praise I got for what I deemed a literary +achievement of the highest order! At three o'clock, a.m., he finished, +pulled off his clothes automatically and tumbled into bed. I had no +desire for sleep. My brain was racing madly, like an engine without a +governor. I could write! I could write! I repeated the words over and +over to myself. All the complexities of my present life were blotted +out, and I beheld only the long, sweet vista of the career for which I +was now convinced that nature had intended me. My immediate fortunes +became unimportant, immaterial. No juice of the grape I had ever tasted +made me half so drunk.... With the morning, of course, came the +reaction, and I suffered the after sensations of an orgie, awaking to a +world of necessity, cold and grey and slushy, and necessity alone made me +rise from my bed. My experience of the night before might have taught me +that happiness lies in the trick of transforming necessity, but it did +not. The vision had faded,--temporarily, at least; and such was the +distraction of the succeeding days that the subject of the theme passed +from my mind.... + +One morning Tom was later than usual in getting home. I was writing a +letter when he came in, and did not notice him, yet I was vaguely aware +of his standing over me. When at last I looked up I gathered from his +expression that something serious had happened, so mournful was his face, +and yet so utterly ludicrous. + +"Say, Hugh, I'm in the deuce of a mess," he announced. + +"What's the matter?" I inquired. + +He sank down on the table with a groan. + +"It's Alonzo," he said. + +Then I remembered the theme. + +"What--what's he done?" I demanded. + +"He says I must become a writer. Think of it, me a writer! He says I'm +a young Shakespeare, that I've been lazy and hid my light under a bushel! +He says he knows now what I can do, and if I don't keep up the quality, +he'll know the reason why, and write a personal letter to my father. Oh, +hell!" + +In spite of his evident anguish, I was seized with a convulsive laughter. +Tom stood staring at me moodily. + +"You think it's funny,--don't you? I guess it is, but what's going to +become of me? That's what I want to know. I've been in trouble before, +but never in any like this. And who got me into it? You!" + +Here was gratitude! + +"You've got to go on writing 'em, now." His voice became desperately +pleading. "Say, Hugh, old man, you can temper 'em down--temper 'em down +gradually. And by the end of the year, let's say, they'll be about +normal again." + +He seemed actually shivering. + +"The end of the year!" I cried, the predicament striking me for the first +time in its fulness. "Say, you've got a crust!" + +"You'll do it, if I have to hold a gun over you," he announced grimly. + +Mingled with my anxiety, which was real, was an exultation that would not +down. Nevertheless, the idea of developing Tom into a Shakespeare,--Tom, +who had not the slightest desire to be one I was appalling, besides +having in it an element of useless self-sacrifice from which I recoiled. +On the other hand, if Alonzo should discover that I had written his +theme, there were penalties I did not care to dwell upon .... With such +a cloud hanging over me I passed a restless night. + +As luck would have it the very next evening in the level light under the +elms of the Square I beheld sauntering towards me a dapper figure which I +recognized as that of Mr. Cheyne himself. As I saluted him he gave me an +amused and most disconcerting glance; and when I was congratulating +myself that he had passed me he stopped. + +"Fine weather for March, Paret," he observed. + +"Yes, sir," I agreed in a strange voice. + +"By the way," he remarked, contemplating the bare branches above our +heads, "that was an excellent theme your roommate handed in. I had no +idea that he possessed such--such genius. Did you, by any chance, happen +to read it?" + +"Yes, sir,--I read it." + +"Weren't you surprised?" inquired Mr. Cheyne. + +"Well, yes, sir--that is--I mean to say he talks just like that, +sometimes--that is, when it's anything he cares about." + +"Indeed!" said Mr. Cheyne. "That's interesting, most interesting. In +all my experience, I do not remember a case in which a gift has been +developed so rapidly. I don't want to give the impression--ah that there +is no room for improvement, but the thing was very well done, for an +undergraduate. I must confess I never should have suspected it in +Peters, and it's most interesting what you say about his cleverness in +conversation." He twirled the head of his stick, apparently lost in +reflection. "I may be wrong," he went on presently, "I have an idea it +is you--" I must literally have jumped away from him. He paused a +moment, without apparently noticing my panic, "that it is you who have +influenced Peters." + +"Sir?" + +"I am wrong, then. Or is this merely commendable modesty on your part?" + +"Oh, no, sir." + +"Then my hypothesis falls to the ground. I had greatly hoped," he added +meaningly, "that you might be able to throw some light on this mystery. + +I was dumb. + +"Paret," he asked, "have you time to come over to my rooms for a few +minutes this evening?" + +"Certainly, sir." + +He gave me his number in Brattle Street.... + +Like one running in a nightmare and making no progress I made my way +home, only to learn from Hallam,--who lived on the same floor,--that Tom +had inconsiderately gone to Boston for the evening, with four other weary +spirits in search of relaxation! Avoiding our club table, I took what +little nourishment I could at a modest restaurant, and restlessly paced +the moonlit streets until eight o'clock, when I found myself in front of +one of those low-gabled colonial houses which, on less soul-shaking +occasions, had exercised a great charm on my imagination. My hand hung +for an instant over the bell.... I must have rung it violently, for +there appeared almost immediately an old lady in a lace cap, who greeted +me with gentle courtesy, and knocked at a little door with glistening +panels. The latch was lifted by Mr. Cheyne himself. + +"Come in, Paret," he said, in a tone that was unexpectedly hospitable. + +I have rarely seen a more inviting room. A wood fire burned brightly on +the brass andirons, flinging its glare on the big, white beam that +crossed the ceiling, and reddening the square panes of the windows in +their panelled recesses. Between these were rows of books,--attractive +books in chased bindings, red and blue; books that appealed to be taken +down and read. There was a table covered with reviews and magazines in +neat piles, and a lamp so shaded as to throw its light only on the white +blotter of the pad. Two easy chairs, covered with flowered chintz, were +ranged before the fire, in one of which I sank, much bewildered, upon +being urged to do so. + +I utterly failed to recognize "Alonzo" in this new atmosphere. And he +had, moreover, dropped the subtly sarcastic manner I was wont to +associate with him. + +"Jolly old house, isn't it?" he observed, as though I had casually +dropped in on him for a chat; and he stood, with his hands behind him +stretched to the blaze, looking down at me. "It was built by a certain +Colonel Draper, who fought at Louisburg, and afterwards fled to England +at the time of the Revolution. He couldn't stand the patriots, I'm not +so sure that I blame him, either. Are you interested in colonial things, +Mr. Paret?" + +I said I was. If the question had concerned Aztec relics my answer would +undoubtedly have been the same. And I watched him, dazedly, while he +took down a silver porringer from the shallow mantel shelf. + +"It's not a Revere," he said, in a slightly apologetic tone as though to +forestall a comment, "but it's rather good, I think. I picked it up at a +sale in Dorchester. But I have never been able to identify the coat of +arms." + +He showed me a ladle, with the names of "Patience and William Simpson" +engraved quaintly thereon, and took down other articles in which I +managed to feign an interest. Finally he seated himself in the chair +opposite, crossed his feet, putting the tips of his fingers together and +gazing into the fire. + +"So you thought you could fool me," he said, at length. + +I became aware of the ticking of a great clock in the corner. My mouth +was dry. + +"I am going to forgive you," he went on, more gravely, "for several +reasons. I don't flatter, as you know. It's because you carried out the +thing so perfectly that I am led to think you have a gift that may be +cultivated, Paret. You wrote that theme in the way Peters would have +written it if he had not been--what shall I say?--scripturally +inarticulate. And I trust it may do you some good if I say it was +something of a literary achievement, if not a moral one." + +"Thank you, sir," I faltered. + +"Have you ever," he inquired, lapsing a little into his lecture-room +manner, "seriously thought of literature as a career? Have you ever +thought of any career seriously?" + +"I once wished to be a writer, sir," I replied tremulously, but refrained +from telling him of my father's opinion of the profession. Ambition--a +purer ambition than I had known for years--leaped within me at his words. +He, Alonzo Cheyne, had detected in me the Promethean fire! + +I sat there until ten o'clock talking to the real Mr. Cheyne, a human Mr. +Cheyne unknown in the lecture-room. Nor had I suspected one in whom +cynicism and distrust of undergraduates (of my sort) seemed so ingrained, +of such idealism. He did not pour it out in preaching; delicately, +unobtrusively and on the whole rather humorously he managed to present to +me in a most disillusionizing light that conception of the university +held by me and my intimate associates. After I had left him I walked the +quiet streets to behold as through dissolving mists another Harvard, and +there trembled in my soul like the birth-struggle of a flame something of +the vision later to be immortalized by St. Gaudens, the spirit of Harvard +responding to the spirit of the Republic--to the call of Lincoln, who +voiced it. The place of that bronze at the corner of Boston Common was +as yet empty, but I have since stood before it to gaze in wonder at the +light shining in darkness on mute, uplifted faces ,black faces! at +Harvard's son leading them on that the light might live and prevail. + +I, too, longed for a Cause into which I might fling myself, in which I +might lose myself... I halted on the sidewalk to find myself staring +from the opposite side of the street at a familiar house, my old +landlady's, Mrs. Bolton's, and summoned up before me was the tired, +smiling face of Hermann Krebs. Was it because when he had once spoken so +crudely of the University I had seen the reflection of her spirit in his +eyes? A light still burned in the extension roof--Krebs's light; another +shone dimly through the ground glass of the front door. Obeying a sudden +impulse, I crossed the street. + +Mrs. Bolton, in the sky-blue wrapper, and looking more forbidding than +ever, answered the bell. Life had taught her to be indifferent to +surprises, and it was I who became abruptly embarrassed. + +"Oh, it's you, Mr. Paret," she said, as though I had been a frequent +caller. I had never once darkened her threshold since I had left her +house. + +"Yes," I answered, and hesitated.... "Is Mr. Krebs in?" + +"Well," she replied in a lifeless tone, which nevertheless had in it a +touch of bitterness, "I guess there's no reason why you and your friends +should have known he was sick." + +"Sick!" I repeated. "Is he very sick?" + +"I calculate he'll pull through," she said. "Sunday the doctor gave him +up. And no wonder! He hasn't had any proper food since he's be'n here!" +She paused, eyeing me. "If you'll excuse me, Mr. Paret, I was just going +up to him when you rang." + +"Certainly," I replied awkwardly. "Would you be so kind as to tell him-- +when he's well enough--that I came to see him, and that I'm sorry?" + +There was another pause, and she stood with a hand defensively clutching +the knob. + +"Yes, I'll tell him," she said. + +With a sense of having been baffled, I turned away. + +Walking back toward the Yard my attention was attracted by a slowly +approaching cab whose occupants were disturbing the quiet of the night +with song. + +Shollity--'tis wine, 'tis wine, That makesh--shollity." + +The vehicle drew up in front of a new and commodious building,--I believe +the first of those designed to house undergraduates who were willing to +pay for private bathrooms and other modern luxuries; out of one window of +the cab protruded a pair of shoeless feet, out of the other a hatless +head I recognized as belonging to Tom Peters; hence I surmised that the +feet were his also. The driver got down from the box, and a lively +argument was begun inside--for there were other occupants--as to how Mr. +Peters was to be disembarked; and I gathered from his frequent references +to the "Shgyptian obelisk" that the engineering problem presented struck +him as similar to the unloading of Cleopatra's Needle. + +"Careful, careful!" he cautioned, as certain expelling movements began +from within, "Easy, Ham, you jam-fool, keep the door shut, y'll break +me." + +"Now, Jerry, all heave sh'gether!" exclaimed a voice from the blackness +of the interior. + +"Will ye wait a minute, Mr. Durrett, sir?" implored the cabdriver. +"You'll be after ruining me cab entirely." (Loud roars and vigorous +resistance from the obelisk, the cab rocking violently.) "This gintleman" +(meaning me) "will have him by the head, and I'll get hold of his feet, +sir." Which he did, after a severe kick in the stomach. + +"Head'sh all right, Martin." + +"To be sure it is, Mr. Peters. Now will ye rest aisy awhile, sir?" + +"I'm axphyxiated," cried another voice from the darkness, the mined voice +of Jerome Kyme, our classmate. + +"Get the tackles under him!" came forth in commanding tones from +Conybear. + +In the meantime many windows had been raised and much gratuitous advice +was being given. The three occupants of the cab's seat who had +previously clamoured for Mr. Peters' removal, now inconsistently resisted +it; suddenly he came out with a jerk, and we had him fairly upright on +the pavement minus a collar and tie and the buttons of his evening +waistcoat. Those who remained in the cab engaged in a riotous game of +hunt the slipper, while Tom peered into the dark interior, observing +gravely the progress of the sport. First flew out an overcoat and a +much-battered hat, finally the pumps, all of which in due time were +adjusted to his person, and I started home with him, with much parting +counsel from the other three. + +"Whereinell were you, Hughie?" he inquired. "Hunted all over for you. +Had a sousin' good time. Went to Babcock's--had champagne--then to see +Babesh in--th'--Woods. Ham knows one of the Babesh had supper with four +of 'em. Nice Babesh!" + +"For heaven's sake don't step on me again!" I cried. + +"Sh'poloshize, old man. But y'know I'm William Shakespheare. C'n do +what I damplease." He halted in the middle of the street and recited +dramatically:-- + + "'Not marble, nor th' gilded monuments + Of prinches sh'll outlive m' powerful rhyme.'" + +"How's that, Alonzho, b'gosh?" + +"Where did you learn it?" I demanded, momentarily forgetting his +condition. + +"Fr'm Ralph," he replied, "says I wrote it. Can't remember...." + +After I had got him to bed,--a service I had learned to perform with more +or less proficiency,--I sat down to consider the events of the evening, +to attempt to get a proportional view. The intensity of my disgust was +not hypocritical as I gazed through the open door into the bedroom and +recalled the times when I, too, had been in that condition. Tom Peters +drunk, and sleeping it off, was deplorable, without doubt; but Hugh Paret +drunk was detestable, and had no excuse whatever. Nor did I mean by this +to set myself on a higher ethical plane, for I felt nothing but despair +and humility. In my state of clairvoyance I perceived that he was a +better man, than I, and that his lapses proceeded from a love of liquor +and the transcendent sense of good-fellowship that liquor brings. + + + + +VII. + +The crisis through which I passed at Cambridge, inaugurated by the events +I have just related, I find very difficult to portray. It was a +religious crisis, of course, and my most pathetic memory concerning it is +of the vain attempts to connect my yearnings and discontents with the +theology I had been taught; I began in secret to read my Bible, yet +nothing I hit upon seemed to point a way out of my present predicament, +to give any definite clew to the solution of my life. I was not mature +enough to reflect that orthodoxy was a Sunday religion unrelated to a +world whose wheels were turned by the motives of self-interest; that it +consisted of ideals not deemed practical, since no attempt was made to +put them into practice in the only logical manner,--by reorganizing +civilization to conform with them. The implication was that the Christ +who had preached these ideals was not practical.... There were +undoubtedly men in the faculty of the University who might have helped me +had I known of them; who might have given me, even at that time, a clew +to the modern, logical explanation of the Bible as an immortal record of +the thoughts and acts of men who had sought to do just what I was seeking +to do,--connect the religious impulse to life and make it fruitful in +life: an explanation, by the way, a thousand-fold more spiritual than the +old. But I was hopelessly entangled in the meshes of the mystic, the +miraculous and supernatural. If I had analyzed my yearnings, I might +have realized that I wanted to renounce the life I had been leading, not +because it was sinful, but because it was aimless. I had not learned +that the Greek word for sin is "a missing of the mark." Just +aimlessness! I had been stirred with the desire to perform some service +for which the world would be grateful: to write great literature, +perchance. But it had never been suggested to me that such swellings of +the soul are religious, that religion is that kind of feeling, of motive +power that drives the writer and the scientist, the statesman and the +sculptor as well as the priest and the Prophet to serve mankind for the +joy of serving: that religion is creative, or it is nothing: not +mechanical, not a force imposed from without, but a driving power within. +The "religion" I had learned was salvation from sin by miracle: sin a +deliberate rebellion, not a pathetic missing of the mark of life; useful +service of man, not the wandering of untutored souls who had not been +shown the way. I felt religious. I wanted to go to church, I wanted to +maintain, when it was on me, that exaltation I dimly felt as communion +with a higher power, with God, and which also was identical with my +desire to write, to create.... + +I bought books, sets of Wordsworth and Keats, of Milton and Shelley and +Shakespeare, and hid them away in my bureau drawers lest Tom and my +friends should see them. These too I read secretly, making excuses for +not joining in the usual amusements. Once I walked to Mrs. Bolton's and +inquired rather shamefacedly for Hermann Krebs, only to be informed that +he had gone out.... There were lapses, of course, when I went off on the +old excursions,--for the most part the usual undergraduate follies, +though some were of a more serious nature; on these I do not care to +dwell. Sex was still a mystery.... Always I awoke afterwards to bitter +self-hatred and despair.... But my work in English improved, and I +earned the commendation and friendship of Mr. Cheyne. With a wisdom for +which I was grateful he was careful not to give much sign of it in +classes, but the fact that he was "getting soft on me" was evident enough +to be regarded with suspicion. Indeed the state into which I had fallen +became a matter of increasing concern to my companions, who tried every +means from ridicule to sympathy, to discover its cause and shake me out +of it. The theory most accepted was that I was in love. + +"Come on now, Hughie--tell me who she is. I won't give you away," Tom +would beg. Once or twice, indeed, I had imagined I was in love with the +sisters of Boston classmates whose dances I attended; to these parties +Tom, not having overcome his diffidence in respect to what he called +"social life," never could be induced to go. + +It was Ralph who detected the true cause of my discontent. Typical as no +other man I can recall of the code to which we had dedicated ourselves, +the code that moulded the important part of the undergraduate world and +defied authority, he regarded any defection from it in the light of +treason. An instructor, in a fit of impatience, had once referred to him +as the Mephistopheles of his class; he had fatal attractions, and a +remarkable influence. His favourite pastime was the capricious exercise +of his will on weaker characters, such as his cousin, Ham Durrett; if +they "swore off," Ralph made it his business to get them drunk again, and +having accomplished this would proceed himself to administer a new oath +and see that it was kept. Alcohol seemed to have no effect whatever on +him. Though he was in the class above me, I met him frequently at a club +to which I had the honour to belong, then a suite of rooms over a shop +furnished with a pool and a billiard table, easy-chairs and a bar. It +has since achieved the dignity of a house of its own. + +We were having, one evening, a "religious" argument, Cinibar, Laurens and +myself and some others. I can't recall how it began; I think Cinibar had +attacked the institution of compulsory chapel, which nobody defended; +there was something inherently wrong, he maintained, with a religion to +which men had to be driven against their wills. Somewhat to my surprise +I found myself defending a Christianity out of which I had been able to +extract but little comfort and solace. Neither Laurens nor Conybear, +however, were for annihilating it: although they took the other side of +the discussion of a subject of which none of us knew anything, their +attacks were but half-hearted; like me, they were still under the spell +exerted by a youthful training. + +We were all of us aware of Ralph, who sat at some distance looking over +the pages of an English sporting weekly. Presently he flung it down. + +"Haven't you found out yet that man created God, Hughie?" he inquired. +"And even if there were a personal God, what reason have you to think +that man would be his especial concern, or any concern of his whatever? +The discovery of evolution has knocked your Christianity into a cocked +hat." + +I don't remember how I answered him. In spite of the superficiality of +his own arguments, which I was not learned enough to detect, I was +ingloriously routed. Darwin had kicked over the bucket, and that was all +there was to it.... After we had left the club both Conybear and Laurens +admitted they were somewhat disturbed, declaring that Ralph had gone too +far. I spent a miserable night, recalling the naturalistic assertions he +had made so glibly, asking myself again and again how it was that the +religion to which I so vainly clung had no greater effect on my actions +and on my will, had not prevented me from lapses into degradation. And I +hated myself for having argued upon a subject that was still sacred. I +believed in Christ, which is to say that I believed that in some +inscrutable manner he existed, continued to dominate the world and had +suffered on my account. + +To whom should I go now for a confirmation of my wavering beliefs? One +of the results--it will be remembered of religion as I was taught it was +a pernicious shyness, and even though I had found a mentor and confessor, +I might have hesitated to unburden myself. This would be different from +arguing with Ralph Hambleton. In my predicament, as I was wandering +through the yard, I came across a notice of an evening talk to students +in Holder Chapel, by a clergyman named Phillips Brooks. This was before +the time, let me say in passing, when his sermons at Harvard were +attended by crowds of undergraduates. Well, I stood staring at the +notice, debating whether I should go, trying to screw up my courage; for +I recognized clearly that such a step, if it were to be of any value, +must mean a distinct departure from my present mode of life; and I recall +thinking with a certain revulsion that I should have to "turn good." My +presence at the meeting would be known the next day to all my friends, +for the idea of attending a religious gathering when one was not forced +to do so by the authorities was unheard of in our set. I should be +classed with the despised "pious ones" who did such things regularly. I +shrank from the ridicule. I had, however, heard of Mr. Brooks from Ned +Symonds, who was by no means of the pious type, and whose parents +attended Mr. Brooks's church in Boston.... I left my decision in +abeyance. But when evening came I stole away from the club table, on the +plea of an engagement, and made my way rapidly toward Holder Chapel. I +had almost reached it--when I caught a glimpse of Symonds and of some +others approaching,--and I went on, to turn again. By this time the +meeting, which was in a room on the second floor, had already begun. +Palpitating, I climbed the steps; the door of the room was slightly ajar; +I looked in; I recall a distinct sensation of surprise,--the atmosphere +of that meeting was so different from what I had expected. Not a "pious" +atmosphere at all! I saw a very tall and heavy gentleman, dressed in +black, who sat, wholly at ease, on the table! One hand was in his +pocket, one foot swung clear of the ground; and he was not preaching, but +talking in an easy, conversational tone to some forty young men who sat +intent on his words. I was too excited to listen to what he was saying, +I was making a vain attempt to classify him. But I remember the thought, +for it struck me with force,--that if Christianity were so thoroughly +discredited by evolution, as Ralph Hambleton and other agnostics would +have one believe, why should this remarkably sane and able-looking person +be standing up for it as though it were still an established and +incontrovertible fact? + +He had not, certainly, the air of a dupe or a sentimentalist, but +inspired confidence by his very personality. Youthlike, I watched him +narrowly for flaws, for oratorical tricks, for all kinds of histrionic +symptoms. Again I was near the secret; again it escaped me. The +argument for Christianity lay not in assertions about it, but in being +it. This man was Christianity.... I must have felt something of this, +even though I failed to formulate it. And unconsciously I contrasted his +strength, which reinforced the atmosphere of the room, with that of Ralph +Hambleton, who was, a greater influence over me than I have recorded, and +had come to sway me more and more, as he had swayed others. The strength +of each was impressive, yet this Mr. Brooks seemed to me the bodily +presentment of a set of values which I would have kept constantly before +my eyes.... I felt him drawing me, overcoming my hesitation, belittling +my fear of ridicule. I began gently to open the door--when something +happened,--one of those little things that may change the course of a +life. The door made little noise, yet one of the men sitting in the back +of the room chanced to look around, and I recognized Hermann Krebs. His +face was still sunken from his recent illness. Into his eyes seemed to +leap a sudden appeal, an appeal to which my soul responded yet I hurried +down the stairs and into the street. Instantly I regretted my retreat, I +would have gone back, but lacked the courage; and I strayed unhappily for +hours, now haunted by that look of Krebs, now wondering what the +remarkably sane-looking and informal clergyman whose presence dominated +the little room had been talking about. I never learned, but I did live +to read his biography, to discover what he might have talked about,--for +he if any man believed that life and religion are one, and preached +consecration to life's task. + +Of little use to speculate whether the message, had I learned it then, +would have fortified and transformed me! + +In spite of the fact that I was unable to relate to a satisfying +conception of religion my new-born determination, I made up my mind, at +least, to renounce my tortuous ways. I had promised my father to be a +lawyer; I would keep my promise, I would give the law a fair trial; later +on, perhaps, I might demonstrate an ability to write. All very +praiseworthy! The season was Lent, a fitting time for renunciations and +resolves. Although I had more than once fallen from grace, I believed +myself at last to have settled down on my true course--when something +happened. The devil interfered subtly, as usual--now in the person of +Jerry Kyme. It should be said in justice to Jerry that he did not look +the part. He had sunny-red, curly hair, mischievous blue eyes with long +lashes, and he harboured no respect whatever for any individual or +institution, sacred or profane; he possessed, however, a shrewd sense of +his own value, as many innocent and unsuspecting souls discovered as +early as our freshman year, and his method of putting down the +presumptuous was both effective and unique. If he liked you, there could +be no mistake about it. + +One evening when I was engaged in composing a theme for Mr. Cheyne on no +less a subject than the interpretation of the work of William Wordsworth, +I found myself unexpectedly sprawling on the floor, in my descent kicking +the table so vigorously as to send the ink-well a foot or two toward the +ceiling. This, be it known, was a typical proof of Jerry's esteem. For +he had entered noiselessly, jerking the back of my chair, which chanced +to be tilted, and stood with his hands in his pockets, surveying the ruin +he had wrought, watching the ink as it trickled on the carpet. Then he +picked up the book. + +"Poetry, you darned old grind!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "Say, Parry, I +don't know what's got into you, but I want you to come home with me for +the Easter holidays. It'll do you good. We'll be on the Hudson, you +know, and we'll manage to make life bearable somehow." + +I forgot my irritation, in sheer surprise. + +"Why, that's mighty good of you, Jerry--" I began, struggling to my feet. + +"Oh, rot!" he exclaimed. "I shouldn't ask you if I didn't want you." + +There was no denying the truth of this, and after he had gone I sat for a +long time with my pen in my mouth, reflecting as to whether or not I +should go. For I had the instinct that here was another cross-roads, +that more depended on my decision than I cared to admit. But even then I +knew what I should do. Ridiculous not to--I told myself. How could a +week or ten days with Jerry possibly affect my newborn, resolve? + +Yet the prospect, now, of a visit to the Kymes' was by no means so +glowing as it once would have been. For I had seen visions, I had +dreamed dreams, beheld a delectable country of my very own. A year ago-- +nay, even a month ago--how such an invitation would have glittered!... I +returned at length to my theme, over which, before Jerry's arrival, I had +been working feverishly. But now the glamour had gone from it. + +Presently Tom came in. + +"Anyone been here?" he demanded. + +"Jerry," I told him. + +"What did he want?" + +"He wanted me to go home with him at Easter." + +"You're going, of course." + +"I don't know. I haven't decided." + +"You'd be a fool not to," was Tom's comment. It voiced, succinctly, a +prevailing opinion. + +It was the conclusion I arrived at in my own mind. But just why I had +been chosen for the honour, especially at such a time, was a riddle. +Jerry's invitations were charily given, and valued accordingly; and more +than once, at our table, I had felt a twinge of envy when Conybear or +someone else had remarked, with the proper nonchalance, in answer to a +question, that they were going to Weathersfield. Such was the name of +the Kyme place.... + +I shall never forget the impression made on me by the decorous luxury of +that big house, standing amidst its old trees, halfway up the gentle +slope that rose steadily from the historic highway where poor Andre was +captured. I can see now the heavy stone pillars of its portico vignetted +in a flush of tenderest green, the tulips just beginning to flame forth +their Easter colours in the well-kept beds, the stately, well-groomed +evergreens, the vivid lawns, the clipped hedges. And like an +overwhelming wave of emotion that swept all before it, the impressiveness +of wealth took possession of me. For here was a kind of wealth I had +never known, that did not exist in the West, nor even in the still +Puritan environs of Boston where I had visited. It took itself for +granted, proclaimed itself complacently to have solved all problems. By +ignoring them, perhaps. But I was too young to guess this. It was order +personified, gaining effect at every turn by a multitude of details too +trivial to mention were it not for the fact that they entered deeply into +my consciousness, until they came to represent, collectively, the very +flower of achievement. It was a wealth that accepted tribute calmly, as +of inherent right. Law and tradition defended its sanctity more +effectively than troops. Literature descended from her high altar to +lend it dignity; and the long, silent library displayed row upon row of +the masters, appropriately clad in morocco or calf,--Smollett, Macaulay, +Gibbon, Richardson, Fielding, Scott, Dickens, Irving and Thackeray, as +though each had striven for a tablet here. Art had denied herself that +her canvases might be hung on these walls; and even the Church, on that +first Sunday of my visit, forgot the blood of her martyrs that she might +adorn an appropriate niche in the setting. The clergyman, at one of the +dinner parties, gravely asked a blessing as upon an Institution that +included and absorbed all other institutions in its being.... + +The note of that house was a tempered gaiety. Guests arrived from New +York, spent the night and departed again without disturbing the even +tenor of its ways. Unobtrusive servants ministered to their wants,--and +to mine.... + +Conybear was there, and two classmates from Boston, and we were treated +with the amiable tolerance accorded to college youths and intimates of +the son of the house. One night there was a dance in our honour. Nor +have I forgotten Jerry's sister, Nathalie, whom I had met at Class Days, +a slim and willowy, exotic young lady of the Botticelli type, with a +crown of burnished hair, yet more suggestive of a hothouse than of +spring. She spoke English with a French accent. Capricious, impulsive, +she captured my interest because she put a high value on her favour; she +drove me over the hills, informing me at length that I was sympathique-- +different from the rest; in short, she emphasized and intensified what I +may call the Weathersfield environment, stirred up in me new and vague +aspirations that troubled yet excited me. + +Then there was Mrs. Kyme, a pretty, light-hearted lady, still young, who +seemed to have no intention of growing older, who romped and played songs +for us on the piano. The daughter of an old but now impecunious +Westchester family, she had been born to adorn the position she held, she +was adapted by nature to wring from it the utmost of the joys it offered. +From her, rather than from her husband, both of the children seemed to +have inherited. I used to watch Mr. Grosvenor Kyme as he sat at the end +of the dinner-table, dark, preoccupied, taciturn, symbolical of a wealth +new to my experience, and which had about it a certain fabulous quality. +It toiled not, neither did it spin, but grew as if by magic, day and +night, until the very conception of it was overpowering. What must it be +to have had ancestors who had been clever enough to sit still until a +congested and discontented Europe had begun to pour its thousands and +hundreds of thousands into the gateway of the western world, until that +gateway had become a metropolis? ancestors, of course, possessing what +now suddenly appeared to me as the most desirable of gifts--since it +reaped so dazzling a harvest-business foresight. From time to time these +ancestors had continued to buy desirable corners, which no amount of +persuasion had availed to make them relinquish. Lease them, yes; sell +them, never! By virtue of such a system wealth was as inevitable as +human necessity; and the thought of human necessity did not greatly +bother me. Mr. Kyme's problem of life was not one of making money, but +of investing it. One became automatically a personage.... + +It was due to one of those singular coincidences--so interesting a +subject for speculation--that the man who revealed to me this golden +romance of the Kyme family was none other than a resident of my own city, +Mr. Theodore Watling, now become one of our most important and +influential citizens; a corporation lawyer, new and stimulating +qualification, suggesting as it did, a deus ex machina of great affairs. +That he, of all men, should come to Weathersfield astonished me, since I +was as yet to make the connection between that finished, decorous, +secluded existence and the source of its being. The evening before my +departure he arrived in company with two other gentlemen, a Mr. Talbot +and a Mr. Saxes, whose names were spoken with respect in a sphere of +which I had hitherto taken but little cognizance-Wall Street. Conybear +informed me that they were "magnates,"... We were sitting in the +drawing-room at tea, when they entered with Mr. Watling, and no sooner +had he spoken to Mrs. Kyme than his quick eye singled me out of the +group. + +"Why, Hugh!" he exclaimed, taking my hand. "I had no idea I should meet +you here--I saw your father only last week, the day I left home." And he +added, turning to Mrs. Kyme, "Hugh is the son of Mr. Matthew Paret, who +has been the leader of our bar for many years." + +The recognition and the tribute to my father were so graciously given +that I warmed with gratitude and pride, while Mr. Kyme smiled a little, +remarking that I was a friend of Jerry's. Theodore Watling, for being +here, had suddenly assumed in my eyes a considerable consequence, though +the note he struck in that house was a strange one. It was, however, his +own note, and had a certain distinction, a ring of independence, of the +knowledge of self-worth. Dinner at Weathersfield we youngsters had +usually found rather an oppressive ceremony, with its shaded lights and +precise ritual over which Mr. Kyme presided like a high priest; +conversation had been restrained. That night, as Johnnie Laurens +afterwards expressed it, "things loosened up," and Mr. Watling was +responsible for the loosening. Taking command of the Kyme dinner table +appeared to me to be no mean achievement, but this is just what he did, +without being vulgar or noisy or assertive. Suavitar in modo, forbiter +in re. If, as I watched him there with a newborn pride and loyalty, I +had paused to reconstruct the idea that the mention of his name would +formerly have evoked, I suppose I should have found him falling short of +my notion of a gentleman; it had been my father's opinion; but Mr. +Watling's marriage to Gene Hollister's aunt had given him a standing with +us at home. He possessed virility, vitality in a remarkable degree, yet +some elusive quality that was neither tact nor delicacy--though related +to these differentiated him from the commonplace, self-made man of +ability. He was just off the type. To liken him to a clothing store +model of a well-built, broad-shouldered man with a firm neck, a handsome, +rather square face not lacking in colour and a conventional, drooping +moustache would be slanderous; yet he did suggest it. Suggesting it, he +redeemed it: and the middle western burr in his voice was rather +attractive than otherwise. He had not so much the air of belonging +there, as of belonging anywhere--one of those anomalistic American +citizens of the world who go abroad and make intimates of princes. +Before the meal was over he had inspired me with loyalty and pride, +enlisted the admiration of Jerry and Conybear and Johnnie Laurens; we +followed him into the smoking-room, sitting down in a row on a leather +lounge behind our elders. + +Here, now that the gentlemen were alone, there was an inspiring largeness +in their talk that fired the imagination. The subject was investments, +at first those of coal and iron in my own state, for Mr. Watling, it +appeared, was counsel for the Boyne Iron Works. + +"It will pay you to keep an eye on that company, Mr. Kyme," he said, +knocking the ashes from his cigar. "Now that old Mr. Durrett's gone--" + +"You don't mean to say Nathaniel Durrett's dead!" said Mr. Kyme. + +The lawyer nodded. + +"The old regime passed with him. Adolf Scherer succeeds him, and you may +take my word for it, he's a coming man. Mr. Durrett, who was a judge of +men, recognized that. Scherer was an emigrant, he had ideas, and rose to +be a foreman. For the last few years Mr. Durrett threw everything on his +shoulders...." + +Little by little the scope of the discussion was enlarged until it ranged +over a continent, touching lightly upon lines of railroad, built or +projected, across the great west our pioneers had so lately succeeded in +wresting from the savages, upon mines of copper and gold hidden away +among the mountains, and millions of acres of forest and grazing lands +which a complacent government would relinquish provided certain +technicalities were met: touching lightly, too, very lightly,--upon +senators and congressmen at Washington. And for the first time I learned +that not the least of the functions of these representatives of the +people was to act as the medium between capital and investment, to +facilitate the handing over of the Republic's resources to those in a +position to develop them. The emphasis was laid on development, or +rather on the resulting prosperity for the country: that was the +justification, and it was taken for granted as supreme. Nor was it new +to me; this cult of prosperity. I recalled the torch-light processions +of the tariff enthusiasts of my childhood days, my father's championship +of the Republican Party. He had not idealized politicians, either. For +the American, politics and ethics were strangers. + +Thus I listened with increasing fascination to these gentlemen in evening +clothes calmly treating the United States as a melon patch that existed +largely for the purpose of being divided up amongst a limited and favored +number of persons. I had a feeling of being among the initiated. Where, +it may be asked, were my ideals? Let it not be supposed that I believed +myself to have lost them. If so, the impression I have given of myself +has been wholly inadequate. No, they had been transmuted, that is all, +transmuted by the alchemy of Weathersfield, by the personality of +Theodore Watling into brighter visions. My eyes rarely left his face; I +hung on his talk, which was interspersed with native humour, though he +did not always join in the laughter, sometimes gazing at the fire, as +though his keen mind were grappling with a problem suggested. I noted +the respect in which his opinions were held, and my imagination was fired +by an impression of the power to be achieved by successful men of his +profession, by the evidence of their indispensability to capital +itself.... At last when the gentlemen rose and were leaving the room, +Mr. Watling lingered, with his hand on my arm. + +"Of course you're going through the Law School, Hugh," he said. + +"Yes, sir," I replied. + +"Good!" he exclaimed emphatically. "The law, to-day, is more of a career +than ever, especially for a young man with your antecedents and +advantages, and I know of no city in the United States where I would +rather start practice, if I were a young man, than ours. In the next +twenty years we shall see a tremendous growth. Of course you'll be going +into your father's office. You couldn't do better. But I'll keep an eye +on you, and perhaps I'll be able to help you a little, too." + +I thanked him gratefully. + +A famous artist, who started out in youth to embrace a military career +and who failed to pass an examination at West Point, is said to have +remarked that if silicon had been a gas he would have been a soldier. I +am afraid I may have given the impression that if I had not gone to +Weathersfield and encountered Mr. Watling I might not have been a lawyer. +This impression would be misleading. And while it is certain that I have +not exaggerated the intensity of the spiritual experience I went through +at Cambridge, a somewhat belated consideration for the truth compels me +to register my belief that the mood would in any case have been +ephemeral. The poison generated by the struggle of my nature with its +environment had sunk too deep, and the very education that was supposed +to make a practical man of me had turned me into a sentimentalist. I +became, as will be seen, anything but a practical man in the true sense, +though the world in which I had been brought up and continued to live +deemed me such. My father was greatly pleased when I wrote him that I +was now more than ever convinced of the wisdom of choosing the law as my +profession, and was satisfied that I had come to my senses at last. He +had still been prepared to see me "go off at a tangent," as he expressed +it. On the other hand, the powerful effect of the appeal made by +Weathersfield and Mr. Watling must not be underestimated. Here in one +object lesson was emphasized a host of suggestions each of which had made +its impression. And when I returned to Cambridge Alonzo Cheyne knew that +he had lost me.... + +I pass over the rest of my college course, and the years I spent at the +Harvard Law School, where were instilled into me without difficulty the +dictums that the law was the most important of all professions, that +those who entered it were a priestly class set aside to guard from +profanation that Ark of the Covenant, the Constitution of the United +States. In short, I was taught law precisely as I had been taught +religion,--scriptural infallibility over again,--a static law and a +static theology,--a set of concepts that were supposed to be equal to any +problems civilization would have to meet until the millennium. What we +are wont to call wisdom is often naively innocent of impending change. +It has no barometric properties. + +I shall content myself with relating one incident only of this period. +In the January of my last year I went with a party of young men and girls +to stay over Sunday at Beverly Farms, where Mrs. Fremantle--a young +Boston matron had opened her cottage for the occasion. This "cottage," a +roomy, gabled structure, stood on a cliff, at the foot of which roared +the wintry Atlantic, while we danced and popped corn before the open +fires. During the daylight hours we drove about the country in sleighs, +or made ridiculous attempts to walk on snow-shoes. + +On Sunday afternoon, left temporarily to my own devices, I wandered along +the cliff, crossing into the adjoining property. The wind had fallen; +the waves, much subdued, broke rhythmically against the rocks; during the +night a new mantle of snow had been spread, and the clouds were still low +and menacing. As I strolled I became aware of a motionless figure ahead +of me,--one that seemed oddly familiar; the set of the shabby overcoat on +the stooping shoulders, the unconscious pose contributed to a certain +sharpness of individuality; in the act of challenging my memory, I +halted. The man was gazing at the seascape, and his very absorption gave +me a sudden and unfamiliar thrill. The word absorption precisely +expresses my meaning, for he seemed indeed to have become a part of his +surroundings,--an harmonious part. Presently he swung about and looked +at me as though he had expected to find me there--and greeted me by name. + +"Krebs!" I exclaimed. + +He smiled, and flung out his arm, indicating the scene. His eyes at that +moment seemed to reflect the sea,--they made the gaunt face suddenly +beautiful. + +"This reminds me of a Japanese print," he said. + +The words, or the tone in which he spoke, curiously transformed the +picture. It was as if I now beheld it, anew, through his vision: the +grey water stretching eastward to melt into the grey sky, the massed, +black trees on the hillside, powdered with white, the snow in rounded, +fantastic patches on the huge boulders at the foot of the cliff. Krebs +did not seem like a stranger, but like one whom I had known always,--one +who stood in a peculiar relationship between me and something greater I +could not define. The impression was fleeting, but real.... I remember +wondering how he could have known anything about Japanese prints. + +"I didn't think you were still in this part of the country," I remarked +awkwardly. + +"I'm a reporter on a Boston newspaper, and I've been sent up here to +interview old Mr. Dome, who lives in that house," and he pointed to a +roof above the trees. "There is a rumour, which I hope to verify, that +he has just given a hundred thousand dollars to the University." + +"And--won't he see you?" + +"At present he's taking a nap," said Krebs. "He comes here occasionally +for a rest." + +"Do you like interviewing?" I asked. + +He smiled again. + +"Well, I see a good many different kinds of people, and that's +interesting." + +"But--being a reporter?" I persisted. + +This continued patronage was not a conscious expression of superiority on +my part, but he did not seem to resent it. He had aroused my curiosity. + +"I'm going into the law," he said. + +The quiet confidence with which he spoke aroused, suddenly, a twinge of +antagonism. He had every right to go into the law, of course, and +yet!... my query would have made it evident to me, had I been +introspective in those days, that the germ of the ideal of the +profession, implanted by Mr. Watling, was expanding. Were not +influential friends necessary for the proper kind of career? and where +were Krebs's? In spite of the history of Daniel Webster and a long line +of American tradition, I felt an incongruity in my classmate's +aspiration. And as he stood there, gaunt and undoubtedly hungry, his +eyes kindling, I must vaguely have classed him with the revolutionaries +of all the ages; must have felt in him, instinctively, a menace to the +stability of that Order with which I had thrown my fortunes. And yet +there were comparatively poor men in the Law School itself who had not +made me feel this way! He had impressed me against my will, taken me by +surprise, commiseration had been mingled with other feelings that sprang +out of the memory of the night I had called on him, when he had been +sick. Now I resented something in him which Tom Peters had called +"crust." + +"The law!" I repeated. "Why?" + +"Well," he said, "even when I was a boy, working at odd jobs, I used to +think if I could ever be a lawyer I should have reached the top notch of +human dignity." + +Once more his smile disarmed me. + +"And now" I asked curiously. + +"You see, it was an ideal with me, I suppose. My father was responsible +for that. He had the German temperament of '48, and when he fled to this +country, he expected to find Utopia." The smile emerged again, like the +sun shining through clouds, while fascination and antagonism again +struggled within me. "And then came frightful troubles. For years he +could get only enough work to keep him and my mother alive, but he never +lost his faith in America. `It is man,' he would say, `man has to grow +up to it--to liberty.' Without the struggle, liberty would be worth +nothing. And he used to tell me that we must all do our part, we who had +come here, and not expect everything to be done for us. He had made that +mistake. If things were bad, why, put a shoulder to the wheel and help +to make them better. + +"That helped me," he continued, after a moment's pause. "For I've seen a +good many things, especially since I've been working for a newspaper. +I've seen, again and again, the power of the law turned against those +whom it was intended to protect, I've seen lawyers who care a great deal +more about winning cases than they do about justice, who prostitute their +profession to profit making,--profit making for themselves and others. +And they are often the respectable lawyers, too, men of high standing, +whom you would not think would do such things. They are on the side of +the powerful, and the best of them are all retained by rich men and +corporations. And what is the result? One of the worst evils, I think, +that can befall a country. The poor man goes less and less to the +courts. He is getting bitter, which is bad, which is dangerous. But men +won't see it." + +It was on my tongue to refute this, to say that everybody had a chance. +I could indeed recall many arguments that had been drilled into me; +quotations, even, from court decisions. But something prevented me from +doing this,--something in his manner, which was neither argumentative nor +combative. + +"That's why I am going into the law," he added. "And I intend to stay in +it if I can keep alive. It's a great chance for me--for all of us. +Aren't you at the Law School?" + +I nodded. Once more, as his earnest glance fell upon me, came that +suggestion of a subtle, inexplicable link between us; but before I could +reply, steps were heard behind us, and an elderly servant, bareheaded, +was seen coming down the path. + +"Are you the reporter?" he demanded somewhat impatiently of Krebs. "If +you want to see Mr. Dome, you'd better come right away. He's going out +for a drive." + +For a while, after he had shaken my hand and departed, I stood in the +snow, looking after him.... + + + + +VIII + +On the Wednesday of that same week the news of my father's sudden and +serious illness came to me in a telegram, and by the time I arrived at +home it was too late to see him again alive. It was my first experience +with death, and what perplexed me continually during the following days +was an inability to feel the loss more deeply. When a child, I had been +easily shaken by the spectacle of sorrow. Had I, during recent years, as +a result of a discovery that emotions arising from human relationships +lead to discomfort and suffering, deliberately been forming a shell, +until now I was incapable of natural feelings? Of late I had seemed +closer to my father, and his letters, though formal, had given evidence +of his affection; in his repressed fashion he had made it clear that he +looked forward to the time when I was to practise with him. Why was it +then, as I gazed upon his fine features in death, that I experienced no +intensity of sorrow? What was it in me that would not break down? He +seemed worn and tired, yet I had never thought of him as weary, never +attributed to him any yearning. And now he was released. + +I wondered what had been his private thoughts about himself, his private +opinions about life; and when I reflect now upon my lack of real +knowledge at five and twenty, I am amazed at the futility of an expensive +education which had failed to impress upon me the simple, basic fact that +life was struggle; that either development or retrogression is the fate +of all men, that characters are never completely made, but always in the +making. I had merely a disconcerting glimpse of this truth, with no +powers of formulation, as I sat beside my mother in the bedroom, where +every article evoked some childhood scene. Here was the dent in the +walnut foot-board of the bed made, one wintry day, by the impact of my +box of blocks; the big arm-chair, covered with I know not what stiff +embroidery, which had served on countless occasions as a chariot driven +to victory. I even remembered how every Wednesday morning I had been +banished from the room, which had been so large a part of my childhood +universe, when Ella, the housemaid, had flung open all its windows and +crowded its furniture into the hall. + +The thought of my wanderings since then became poignant, almost +terrifying. The room, with all its memories, was unchanged. How safe I +had been within its walls! Why could I not have been, content with what +it represented? of tradition, of custom,--of religion? And what was it +within me that had lured me away from these? + +I was miserable, indeed, but my misery was not of the kind I thought it +ought to be. At moments, when my mother relapsed into weeping, I glanced +at her almost in wonder. Such sorrow as hers was incomprehensible. Once +she surprised and discomfited me by lifting her head and gazing fixedly +at me through her tears. + +I recall certain impressions of the funeral. There, among the pall- +bearers, was my Cousin Robert Breck, tears in the furrows of his cheeks. +Had he loved my father more than I? The sight of his grief moved me +suddenly and strongly.... It seemed an age since I had worked in his +store, and yet here he was still, coming to town every morning and +returning every evening to Claremore, loving his friends, and mourning +them one by one. Was this, the spectacle presented by my Cousin Robert, +the reward of earthly existence? Were there no other prizes save those +known as greatness of character and depth of human affections? Cousin +Robert looked worn and old. The other pall-bearers, men of weight, of +long standing in the community, were aged, too; Mr. Blackwood, and Mr. +Jules Hollister; and out of place, somehow, in this new church building. +It came to me abruptly that the old order was gone,--had slipped away +during my absence. The church I had known in boyhood had been torn down +to make room for a business building on Boyne Street; the edifice in +which I sat was expensive, gave forth no distinctive note; seemingly +transitory with its hybrid interior, its shiny oak and blue and red +organ-pipes, betokening a compromised and weakened faith. Nondescript, +likewise, seemed the new minister, Mr. Randlett, as he prayed unctuously +in front of the flowers massed on the platform. I vaguely resented his +laudatory references to my father. + +The old church, with its severity, had actually stood for something. It +was the Westminster Catechism in wood and stone, and Dr. Pound had been +the human incarnation of that catechism, the fit representative of a +wrathful God, a militant shepherd who had guarded with vigilance his +respectable flock, who had protested vehemently against the sins of the +world by which they were surrounded, against the "dogs, and sorcerers, +and whoremongers, and murderers and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and +maketh a lie." How Dr. Pound would have put the emphasis of the +Everlasting into those words! + +Against what was Mr. Randlett protesting? + +My glance wandered to the pews which held the committees from various +organizations, such as the Chamber of Commerce and the Bar Association, +which had come to do honour to my father. And there, differentiated from +the others, I saw the spruce, alert figure of Theodore Watling. He, too, +represented a new type and a new note,--this time a forceful note, a +secular note that had not belonged to the old church, and seemed likewise +anomalistic in the new.... + +During the long, slow journey in the carriage to the cemetery my mother +did not raise her veil. It was not until she reached out and seized my +hand, convulsively, that I realized she was still a part of my existence. + +In the days that followed I became aware that my father's death had +removed a restrictive element, that I was free now to take without +criticism or opposition whatever course in life I might desire. It may +be that I had apprehended even then that his professional ideals would +not have coincided with my own. Mingled with this sense of emancipation +was a curious feeling of regret, of mourning for something I had never +valued, something fixed and dependable for which he had stood, a rock and +a refuge of which I had never availed myself!... When his will was +opened it was found that the property had been left to my mother during +her lifetime. It was larger than I had thought, four hundred thousand +dollars, shrewdly invested, for the most part, in city real estate. My +father had been very secretive as to money matters, and my mother had no +interest in them. + +Three or four days later I received in the mail a typewritten letter +signed by Theodore Watling, expressing sympathy for my bereavement, and +asking me to drop in on him, down town, before I should leave the city. +In contrast to the somewhat dingy offices where my father had practised +in the Blackwood Block, the quarters of Watling, Fowndes and Ripon on the +eighth floor of the new Durrett Building were modern to a degree, +finished in oak and floored with marble, with a railed-off space where +young women with nimble fingers played ceaselessly on typewriters. One +of them informed me that Mr. Watling was busy, but on reading my card +added that she would take it in. Meanwhile, in company with two others +who may have been clients, I waited. This, then, was what it meant to be +a lawyer of importance, to have, like a Chesterfield, an ante-room where +clients cooled their heels and awaited one's pleasure... + +The young woman returned, and led me through a corridor to a door on +which was painted Mr. Wailing. + +I recall him tilted back in his chair in a debonnair manner beside his +polished desk, the hint of a smile on his lips; and leaning close to him +was a yellow, owl-like person whose eyes, as they turned to me, gave the +impression of having stared for years into hard, artificial lights. Mr. +Watling rose briskly. + +"How are you, Hugh?" he said, the warmth of his greeting tempered by just +the note of condolence suitable to my black clothes. "I'm glad you came. +I wanted to see you before you went back to Cambridge. I must introduce +you to Judge Bering, of our State Supreme Court. Judge, this is Mr. +Paret's boy." + +The judge looked me over with a certain slow impressiveness, and gave me +a soft and fleshy hand. + +"Glad to know you, Mr. Paret. Your father was a great loss to our bar," +he declared. + +I detected in his tone and manner a slight reservation that could not be +called precisely judicial dignity; it was as though, in these few words, +he had gone to the limit of self-commitment with a stranger--a striking +contrast to the confidential attitude towards Mr. Watling in which I had +surprised him. + +"Judge," said Mr. Watling, sitting down again, "do you recall that time +we all went up to Mr. Paret's house and tried to induce him to run for +mayor? That was before you went on the lower bench." + +The judge nodded gloomily, caressing his watch chain, and suddenly rose +to go. + +"That will be all right, then?" Mr. Watling inquired cryptically, with a +smile. The other made a barely perceptible inclination of the head and +departed. Mr. Watling looked at me. "He's one of the best men we have +on the bench to-day," he added. There was a trace of apology in his +tone. + +He talked a while of my father, to whom, so he said, he had looked up +ever since he had been admitted to the bar. + +"It would be a pleasure to me, Hugh, as well as a matter of pride," he +said cordially, but with dignity, "to have Matthew Paret's son in my +office. I suppose you will be wishing to take your mother somewhere this +summer, but if you care to come here in the autumn, you will be welcome. +You will begin, of course, as other young men begin,--as I began. But I +am a believer in blood, and I'll be glad to have you. Mr. Fowndes and +Mr. Ripon feel the same way." He escorted me to the door himself. + +Everywhere I went during that brief visit home I was struck by change, by +the crumbling and decay of institutions that once had held me in thrall, +by the superimposition of a new order that as yet had assumed no definite +character. Some of the old landmarks had disappeared; there were new and +aggressive office buildings, new and aggressive residences, new and +aggressive citizens who lived in them, and of whom my mother spoke with +gentle deprecation. Even Claremore, that paradise of my childhood, had +grown shrivelled and shabby, even tawdry, I thought, when we went out +there one Sunday afternoon; all that once represented the magic word +"country" had vanished. The old flat piano, made in Philadelphia ages +ago, the horsehair chairs and sofa had been replaced by a nondescript +furniture of the sort displayed behind plate-glass windows of the city's +stores: rocking-chairs on stands, upholstered in clashing colours, their +coiled springs only half hidden by tassels, and "ornamental" electric +fixtures, instead of the polished coal-oil lamps. Cousin Jenny had grown +white, Willie was a staid bachelor, Helen an old maid, while Mary had +married a tall, anaemic young man with glasses, Walter Kinley, whom +Cousin Robert had taken into the store. As I contemplated the Brecks odd +questions suggested themselves: did honesty and warm-heartedness +necessarily accompany a lack of artistic taste? and was virtue its own +reward, after all? They drew my mother into the house, took off her +wraps, set her down in the most comfortable rocker, and insisted on +making her a cup of tea. + +I was touched. I loved them still, and yet I was conscious of +reservations concerning them. They, too, seemed a little on the +defensive with me, and once in a while Mary was caustic in her remarks. + +"I guess nothing but New York will be good enough for Hugh now. He'll be +taking Cousin Sarah away from us." + +"Not at all, my dear," said my mother, gently, "he's going into Mr. +Watling's office next autumn." + +"Theodore Watling?" demanded Cousin Robert, pausing in his carving. + +"Yes, Robert. Mr. Watling has been good enough to say that he would like +to have Hugh. Is there anything--?" + +"Oh, I'm out of date, Sarah," Cousin Robert replied, vigorously severing +the leg of the turkey. "These modern lawyers are too smart for me. +Watling's no worse than the others, I suppose,--only he's got more +ability." + +"I've never heard anything against him," said my mother in a pained +voice. "Only the other day McAlery Willett congratulated me that Hugh +was going to be with him." + +"You mustn't mind Robert, Sarah," put in Cousin Jenny,--a remark +reminiscent of other days. + +"Dad has a notion that his generation is the only honest one," said +Helen, laughingly, as she passed a plate. + +I had gained a sense of superiority, and I was quite indifferent to +Cousin Robert's opinion of Mr. Watling, of modern lawyers in general. +More than once a wave of self-congratulation surged through me that I had +possessed the foresight and initiative to get out of the wholesale +grocery business while there was yet time. I looked at Willie, still +freckled, still literal, still a plodder, at Walter Kinley, and I thought +of the drabness of their lives; at Cousin Robert himself as he sat +smoking his cigar in the bay-window on that dark February day, and +suddenly I pitied him. The suspicion struck me that he had not prospered +of late, and this deepened to a conviction as he talked. + +"The Republican Party is going to the dogs," he asserted. + +"It used to be an honourable party, but now it is no better than the +other. Politics are only conducted, now, for the purpose of making +unscrupulous men rich, sir. For years I furnished this city with good +groceries, if I do say it myself. I took a pride in the fact that the +inmates of the hospitals, yes, and the dependent poor in the city's +institutions, should have honest food. You can get anything out of the +city if you are willing to pay the politicians for it. I lost my city +contracts. Why? Because I refused to deal with scoundrels. Weill and +Company and other unscrupulous upstarts are willing to do so, and poison +the poor and the sick with adulterated groceries! The first thing I knew +was that the city auditor was holding back my bills for supplies, and +paying Weill's. That's what politics and business, yes, sir, and the +law, have come to in these days. If a man wants to succeed, he must turn +into a rascal." + +I was not shocked, but I was silent, uncomfortable, wishing that it were +time to take the train back to the city. Cousin Robert's face was more +worn than I had thought, and I contrasted him inevitably with the +forceful person who used to stand, in his worn alpaca coat, on the +pavement in front of his store, greeting with clear-eyed content his +fellow merchants of the city. Willie Breck, too, was silent, and Walter +Kinley took off his glasses and wiped them. In the meanwhile Helen had +left the group in which my mother sat, and, approaching us, laid her +hands on her father's shoulders. + +"Now, dad," she said, in affectionate remonstrance, "you're excited about +politics again, and you know it isn't good for you. And besides, they're +not worth it." + +"You're right, Helen," he replied. Under the pressure of her hands he +made a strong effort to control himself, and turned to address my mother +across the room. + +"I'm getting to be a crotchety old man," he said. "It's a good thing I +have a daughter to remind me of it." + +"It is a good thing, Robert," said my mother. + +During the rest of our visit he seemed to have recovered something of his +former spirits and poise, taking refuge in the past. They talked of +their own youth, of families whose houses had been landmarks on the +Second Bank. + +"I'm worried about your Cousin Robert, Hugh," my mother confided to me, +when we were at length seated in the train. "I've heard rumours that +things are not so well at the store as they might be." We looked out at +the winter landscape, so different from that one which had thrilled every +fibre of my being in the days when the railroad on which we travelled had +been a winding narrow gauge. The orchards--those that remained--were +bare; stubble pricked the frozen ground where tassels had once waved in +the hot, summer wind. We flew by row after row of ginger-bread, suburban +houses built on "villa plots," and I read in large letters on a hideous +sign-board, "Woodbine Park." + +"Hugh, have you ever heard anything against--Mr. Watling?" + +"No, mother," I said. "So far as I knew, he is very much looked up to by +lawyers and business men. He is counsel, I believe, for Mr. Blackwood's +street car line on Boyne Street. And I told you, I believe, that I met +him once at Mr. Kyme's." + +"Poor Robert!" she sighed. "I suppose business trouble does make one +bitter,--I've seen it so often. But I never imagined that it would +overtake Robert, and at his time of life! It is an old and respected +firm, and we have always had a pride in it." ... + +That night, when I was going to bed, it was evident that the subject was +still in her mind. She clung to my hand a moment. + +"I, too, am afraid of the new, Hugh," she said, a little tremulously. +"We all grow so, as age comes on." + +"But you are not old, mother," I protested. + +"I have a feeling, since your father has gone, that I have lived my life, +my dear, though I'd like to stay long enough to see you happily married-- +to have grandchildren. I was not young when you were born." And she +added, after a little while, "I know nothing about business affairs, and +now--now that your father is no longer here, sometimes I'm afraid--" + +"Afraid of what, mother?" + +She tried to smile at me through her tears. We were in the old sitting- +room, surrounded by the books. + +"I know it's foolish, and it isn't that I don't trust you. I know that +the son of your father couldn't do anything that was not honourable. And +yet I am afraid of what the world is becoming. The city is growing so +fast, and so many new people are coming in. Things are not the same. +Robert is right, there. And I have heard your father say the same thing. +Hugh, promise me that you will try to remember always what he was, and +what he would wish you to be!" + +"I will, mother," I answered. "But I think you would find that Cousin +Robert exaggerates a little, makes things seem worse than they really +are. Customs change, you know. And politics were never well--Sunday +schools." I, too, smiled a little. "Father knew that. And he would +never take an active part in them." + +"He was too fine!" she exclaimed. + +"And now," I continued, "Cousin Robert has happened to come in contact +with them through business. That is what has made the difference in him. +Before, he always knew they were corrupt, but he rarely thought about +them." + +"Hugh," she said suddenly, after a pause, "you must remember one thing,-- +that you can afford to be independent. I thank God that your father has +provided for that!" + +I was duly admitted, the next autumn, to the bar of my own state, and was +assigned to a desk in the offices of Watling, Fowndes and Ripon. Larry +Weed was my immediate senior among the apprentices, and Larry was a hero- +worshipper. I can see him now. He suggested a bullfrog as he sat in the +little room we shared in common, his arms akimbo over a law book, his +little legs doubled under him, his round, eyes fixed expectantly on the +doorway. And even if I had not been aware of my good fortune in being +connected with such a firm as Theodore Watling's, Larry would shortly +have brought it home to me. During those weeks when I was making my +first desperate attempts at briefing up the law I was sometimes +interrupted by his exclamations when certain figures went by in the +corridor. + +"Say, Hugh, do you know who that was?" + +"No." + +"Miller Gorse." + +"Who's he?" + +"Do you mean to say you never heard of Miller Gorse?" + +"I've been away a long time," I would answer apologetically. A person of +some importance among my contemporaries at Harvard, I had looked forward +to a residence in my native city with the complacency of one who has seen +something of the world,--only to find that I was the least in the new +kingdom. And it was a kingdom. Larry opened up to me something of the +significance and extent of it, something of the identity of the men who +controlled it. + +"Miller Gorse," he said impressively, "is the counsel for the railroad." + +"What railroad? You mean the--" I was adding, when he interrupted me +pityingly. + +"After you've been here a while you'll find out there's only one railroad +in this state, so far as politics are concerned. The Ashuela and +Northern, the Lake Shore and the others don't count." + +I refrained from asking any more questions at that time, but afterwards I +always thought of the Railroad as spelled with a capital. + +"Miller Gorse isn't forty yet," Larry told me on another occasion. +"That's doing pretty well for a man who comes near running this state." + +For the sake of acquiring knowledge, I endured Mr. Weed's patronage. I +inquired how Mr. Gorse ran the state. + +"Oh, you'll find out soon enough," he assured me, + +"But Mr. Barbour's president of the Railroad." + +"Sure. Once in a while they take something up to him, but as a rule he +leaves things to Gorse." + +Whereupon I resolved to have a good look at Mr. Gorse at the first +opportunity. One day Mr. Watling sent out for some papers. + +"He's in there now;" said Larry. "You take 'em." + +"In there" meant Mr. Watling's sanctum. And in there he was. I had only +a glance at the great man, for, with a kindly but preoccupied "Thank you, +Hugh," Mr. Watling took the papers and dismissed me. Heaviness, +blackness and impassivity,--these were the impressions of Mr. Gorse which +I carried away from that first meeting. The very solidity of his flesh +seemed to suggest the solidity of his position. Such, say the +psychologists, is the effect of prestige. + +I remember well an old-fashioned picture puzzle in one of my boyhood +books. The scene depicted was to all appearances a sylvan, peaceful one, +with two happy lovers seated on a log beside a brook; but presently, as +one gazed at the picture, the head of an animal stood forth among the +branches, and then the body; more animals began to appear, bit by bit; a +tiger, a bear, a lion, a jackal, a fox, until at last, whenever I looked +at the page, I did not see the sylvan scene at all, but only the +predatory beasts of the forest. So, one by one, the figures of the real +rulers of the city superimposed themselves for me upon the simple and +democratic design of Mayor, Council, Board of Aldermen, Police Force, +etc., that filled the eye of a naive and trusting electorate which fondly +imagined that it had something to say in government. Miller Gorse was +one of these rulers behind the screen, and Adolf Scherer, of the Boyne +Iron Works, another; there was Leonard Dickinson of the Corn National +Bank; Frederick Grierson, becoming wealthy in city real estate; Judah B. +Tallant, who, though outlawed socially, was deferred to as the owner of +the Morning Era; and even Ralph Hambleton, rapidly superseding the +elderly and conservative Mr. Lord, who had hitherto managed the great +Hambleton estate. Ralph seemed to have become, in a somewhat gnostic +manner, a full-fledged financier. Not having studied law, he had been +home for four years when I became a legal fledgling, and during the early +days of my apprenticeship I was beholden to him for many "eye openers" +concerning the conduct of great affairs. I remember him sauntering into +my room one morning when Larry Weed had gone out on an errand. + +"Hello, Hughie," he said, with his air of having nothing to do. +"Grinding it out? Where's Watling?" + +"Isn't he in his office?" + +"No." + +"Well, what can we do for you?" I asked. + +Ralph grinned. + +"Perhaps I'll tell you when you're a little older. You're too young." +And he sank down into Larry Weed's chair, his long legs protruding on the +other side of the table. "It's a matter of taxes. Some time ago I found +out that Dickinson and Tallant and others I could mention were paying a +good deal less on their city property than we are. We don't propose to +do it any more--that's all." + +"How can Mr. Watling help you?" I inquired. + +"Well, I don't mind giving you a few tips about your profession, Hughie. +I'm going to get Watling to fix it up with the City Hall gang. Old Lord +doesn't like it, I'll admit, and when I told him we had been contributing +to the city long enough, that I proposed swinging into line with other +property holders, he began to blubber about disgrace and what my +grandfather would say if he were alive. Well, he isn't alive. A good +deal of water has flowed under the bridges since his day. It's a mere +matter of business, of getting your respectable firm to retain a City +Hall attorney to fix it up with the assessor." + +"How about the penitentiary?" I ventured, not too seriously. + +"I shan't go to the penitentiary, neither will Watling. What I do is to +pay a lawyer's fee. There isn't anything criminal in that, is there?" + +For some time after Ralph had departed I sat reflecting upon this new +knowledge, and there came into my mind the bitterness of Cousin Robert +Breck against this City Hall gang, and his remarks about lawyers. I +recalled the tone in which he had referred to Mr. Watling. But Ralph's +philosophy easily triumphed. Why not be practical, and become master of +a situation which one had not made, and could not alter, instead of being +overwhelmed by it? Needless to say, I did not mention the conversation +to Mr. Watling, nor did he dwindle in my estimation. These necessary +transactions did not interfere in any way with his personal +relationships, and his days were filled with kindnesses. And was not Mr. +Ripon, the junior partner, one of the evangelical lights of the +community, conducting advanced Bible classes every week in the Church of +the Redemption?... The unfolding of mysteries kept me alert. And I +understood that, if I was to succeed, certain esoteric knowledge must be +acquired, as it were, unofficially. I kept my eyes and ears open, and +applied myself, with all industry, to the routine tasks with which every +young man in a large legal firm is familiar. I recall distinctly my +pride when, the Board of Aldermen having passed an ordinance lowering the +water rates, I was intrusted with the responsibility of going before the +court in behalf of Mr. Ogilvy's water company, obtaining a temporary +restricting order preventing the ordinance from going at once into +effect. Here was an affair in point. Were it not for lawyers of the +calibre of Watling, Fowndes and Ripon, hard-earned private property would +soon be confiscated by the rapacious horde. Once in a while I was made +aware that Mr. Watling had his eye on me. + +"Well, Hugh," he would say, "how are you getting along? That's right, +stick to it, and after a while we'll hand the drudgery over to somebody +else." + +He possessed the supreme quality of a leader of men in that he took pains +to inform himself concerning the work of the least of his subordinates; +and he had the gift of putting fire into a young man by a word or a touch +of the hand on the shoulder. It was not difficult for me, therefore, to +comprehend Larry Weed's hero-worship, the loyalty of other members of the +firm or of those occupants of the office whom I have not mentioned. My +first impression of him, which I had got at Jerry Kyme's, deepened as +time went on, and I readily shared the belief of those around me that his +legal talents easily surpassed those of any of his contemporaries. I can +recall, at this time, several noted cases in the city when I sat in court +listening to his arguments with thrills of pride. He made us all feel-- +no matter how humble may have been our contributions to the preparation-- +that we had a share in his triumphs. We remembered his manner with +judges and juries, and strove to emulate it. He spoke as if there could +be no question as to his being right as to the law and the facts, and +yet, in some subtle way that bated analysis, managed not to antagonize +the court. Victory was in the air in that office. I do not mean to say +there were not defeats; but frequently these defeats, by resourcefulness, +by a never-say-die spirit, by a consummate knowledge, not only of the +law, but of other things at which I have hinted, were turned into +ultimate victories. We fought cases from one court to another, until our +opponents were worn out or the decision was reversed. We won, and that +spirit of winning got into the blood. What was most impressed on me in +those early years, I think, was the discovery that there was always a +path--if one were clever enough to find it--from one terrace to the next +higher. Staying power was the most prized of all the virtues. One could +always, by adroitness, compel a legal opponent to fight the matter out +all over again on new ground, or at least on ground partially new. If +the Court of Appeals should fail one, there was the Supreme Court; there +was the opportunity, also, to shift from the state to the federal courts; +and likewise the much-prized device known as a change of venue, when a +judge was supposed to be "prejudiced." + + + + +IX. + +As my apprenticeship advanced I grew more and more to the inhabitants of +our city into two kinds, the who were served, and the inefficient, who +were separate efficient, neglected; but the mental process of which the +classification was the result was not so deliberate as may be supposed. +Sometimes, when an important client would get into trouble, the affair +took me into the police court, where I saw the riff-raff of the city +penned up, waiting to have justice doled out to them: weary women who had +spent the night in cells, indifferent now as to the front they presented +to the world, the finery rued that they had tended so carefully to catch +the eyes of men on the darkened streets; brazen young girls, who blazed +forth defiance to all order; derelict men, sodden and hopeless, with +scrubby beards; shifty looking burglars and pickpockets. All these I +beheld, at first with twinges of pity, later to mass them with the ugly +and inevitable with whom society had to deal somehow. Lawyers, after +all, must be practical men. I came to know the justices of these police +courts, as well as other judges. And underlying my acquaintance with all +of them was the knowledge--though not on the threshold of my +consciousness--that they depended for their living, every man of them, +those who were appointed and those who were elected, upon a political +organization which derived its sustenance from the element whence came +our clients. Thus by degrees the sense of belonging to a special +priesthood had grown on me. + +I recall an experience with that same Mr. Nathan. Weill, the wholesale +grocer of whose commerce with the City Hall my Cousin Robert Breck had so +bitterly complained. Late one afternoon Mr. Weill's carriage ran over a +child on its way up-town through one of the poorer districts. The +parents, naturally, were frantic, and the coachman was arrested. This +was late in the afternoon, and I was alone in the office when the +telephone rang. Hurrying to the police station, I found Mr. Weill in a +state of excitement and abject fear, for an ugly crowd had gathered +outside. + +"Could not Mr. Watling or Mr. Fowndes come?" demanded the grocer. + +With an inner contempt for the layman's state of mind on such occasions I +assured him of my competency to handle the case. He was impressed, I +think, by the sergeant's deference, who knew what it meant to have such +an office as ours interfere with the affair. I called up the prosecuting +attorney, who sent to Monahan's saloon, close by, and procured a release +for the coachman on his own recognizance, one of many signed in blank and +left there by the justice for privileged cases. The coachman was hustled +out by a back door, and the crowd dispersed. + +The next morning, while a score or more of delinquents sat in the anxious +seats, Justice Garry recognized me and gave me precedence. And Mr. +Weill, with a sigh of relief, paid his fine. + +"Mr. Paret, is it?" he asked, as we stood together for a moment on the +sidewalk outside the court. "You have managed this well. I will +remember." + +He was sued, of course. When he came to the office he insisted on +discussing the case with Mr. Watling, who sent for me. + +"That is a bright young man," Mr. Weill declared, shaking my hand. "He +will get on." + +"Some day," said Mr. Watling, "he may save you a lot of money, Weill." + +"When my friend Mr. Watling is United States Senator,--eh?" + +Mr. Watling laughed. "Before that, I hope. I advise you to compromise +this suit, Weill," he added. "How would a thousand dollars strike you? +I've had Paret look up the case, and he tells me the little girl has had +to have an operation." + +"A thousand dollars!" cried the grocer. "What right have these people to +let their children play on the streets? It's an outrage." + +"Where else have the children to play?" Mr. Watling touched his arm. +"Weill," he said gently, "suppose it had been your little girl?" The +grocer pulled out his handkerchief and mopped his bald forehead. But he +rallied a little. + +"You fight these damage cases for the street railroads all through the +courts." + +"Yes," Mr. Watling agreed, "but there a principle is involved. If the +railroads once got into the way of paying damages for every careless +employee, they would soon be bankrupt through blackmail. But here you +have a child whose father is a poor janitor and can't afford sickness. +And your coachman, I imagine, will be more particular in the future." + +In the end Mr. Weill made out a cheque and departed in a good humour, +convinced that he was well out of the matter. Here was one of many +instances I could cite of Mr. Watling's tenderness of heart. I felt, +moreover, as if he had done me a personal favour, since it was I who had +recommended the compromise. For I had been to the hospital and had seen +the child on the cot,--a dark little thing, lying still in her pain, with +the bewildered look of a wounded animal.... + +Not long after this incident of Mr. Weill's damage suit I obtained a more +or less definite promotion by the departure of Larry Weed. He had +suddenly developed a weakness of the lungs. Mr. Watling got him a place +in Denver, and paid his expenses west. + +The first six or seven years I spent in the office of Wading, Fowndes and +Ripon were of importance to my future career, but there is little to +relate of them. I was absorbed not only in learning law, but in +acquiring that esoteric knowledge at which I have hinted--not to be had +from my seniors and which I was convinced was indispensable to a +successful and lucrative practice. My former comparison of the +organization of our city to a picture puzzle wherein the dominating +figures become visible only after long study is rather inadequate. A +better analogy would be the human anatomy: we lawyers, of course, were +the brains; the financial and industrial interests the body, helpless +without us; the City Hall politicians, the stomach that must continually +be fed. All three, law, politics and business, were interdependent, +united by a nervous system too complex to be developed here. In these +years, though I worked hard and often late, I still found time for +convivialities, for social gaieties, yet little by little without +realizing the fact, I was losing zest for the companionship of my former +intimates. My mind was becoming polarized by the contemplation of one +object, success, and to it human ties were unconsciously being +sacrificed. + +Tom Peters began to feel this, even at a time when I believed myself +still to be genuinely fond of him. Considering our respective +temperaments in youth, it is curious that he should have been the first +to fall in love and marry. One day he astonished me by announcing his +engagement to Susan Blackwood. + +"That ends the liquor, Hughie," he told me, beamingly. "I promised her +I'd eliminate it." + +He did eliminate it, save for mild relapses on festive occasions. A more +seemingly incongruous marriage could scarcely be imagined, and yet it was +a success from the start. From a slim, silent, self-willed girl Susan +had grown up into a tall, rather rawboned and energetic young woman. She +was what we called in those days "intellectual," and had gone in for +kindergartens, and after her marriage she turned out to be excessively +domestic; practising her theories, with entire success, upon a family +that showed a tendency to increase at an alarming rate. Tom, needless to +say, did not become intellectual. He settled down--prematurely, I +thought--into what is known as a family man, curiously content with the +income he derived from the commission business and with life in general; +and he developed a somewhat critical view of the tendencies of the +civilization by which he was surrounded. Susan held it also, but she +said less about it. In the comfortable but unpretentious house they +rented on Cedar Street we had many discussions, after the babies had been +put to bed and the door of the living-room closed, in order that our +voices might not reach the nursery. Perry Blackwood, now Tom's brother- +in-law, was often there. He, too, had lapsed into what I thought was an +odd conservatism. Old Josiah, his father, being dead, he occupied +himself mainly with looking after certain family interests, among which +was the Boyne Street car line. Among "business men" he was already +getting the reputation of being a little difficult to deal with. I was +often the subject of their banter, and presently I began to suspect that +they regarded my career and beliefs with some concern. This gave me no +uneasiness, though at limes I lost my temper. I realized their affection +for me; but privately I regarded them as lacking in ambition, in force, +in the fighting qualities necessary for achievement in this modern age. +Perhaps, unconsciously, I pitied them a little. + +"How is Judah B. to-day, Hughie?" Tom would inquire. "I hear you've put +him up for the Boyne Club, now that Mr. Watling has got him out of that +libel suit." + +"Carter Ives is dead," Perry would add, sarcastically, "let bygones be +bygones." + +It was well known that Mr. Tallant, in the early days of his newspaper, +had blackmailed Mr. Ives out of some hundred thousand dollars. And that +this, more than any other act, stood in the way, with certain +recalcitrant gentlemen, of his highest ambition, membership in the Boyne. + +"The trouble with you fellows is that you refuse to deal with conditions +as you find them," I retorted. "We didn't make them, and we can't change +them. Tallant's a factor in the business life of this city, and he has +to be counted with." + +Tom would shake his head exasperatingly. + +"Why don't you get after Ralph?" I demanded. "He doesn't antagonize +Tallant, either." + +"Ralph's hopeless," said Tom. "He was born a pirate, you weren't, +Hughie. We think there's a chance for his salvation, don't we, Perry?" + +I refused to accept the remark as flattering. + +Another object of their assaults was Frederick Grierson, who by this time +had emerged from obscurity as a small dealer in real estate into a +manipulator of blocks and corners. + +"I suppose you think it's a lawyer's business to demand an ethical bill +of health of every client," I said. "I won't stand up for all of +Tallant's career, of course, but Mr. Wading has a clear right to take his +cases. As for Grierson, it seems to me that's a matter of giving a dog a +bad name. Just because his people weren't known here, and because he has +worked up from small beginnings. To get down to hard-pan, you fellows +don't believe in democracy,--in giving every man a chance to show what's +in him." + +"Democracy is good!" exclaimed Perry. "If the kind of thing we're coming +to is democracy, God save the state!"... + +On the other hand I found myself drawing closer to Ralph Hambleton, +sometimes present at these debates, as the only one of my boyhood friends +who seemed to be able to "deal with conditions as he found them." +Indeed, he gave one the impression that, if he had had the making of +them, he would not have changed them. + +"What the deuce do you expect?" I once heard him inquire with good- +natured contempt. "Business isn't charity, it's war. + +"There are certain things," maintained Perry, stoutly, "that gentlemen +won't do." + +"Gentlemen!" exclaimed Ralph, stretching his slim six feet two: We were +sitting in the Boyne Club. "It's ungentlemanly to kill, or burn a town +or sink a ship, but we keep armies and navies for the purpose. For a man +with a good mind, Perry, you show a surprising inability to think things, +out to a logical conclusion. What the deuce is competition, when you +come down to it? Christianity? Not by a long shot! If our nations are +slaughtering men and starving populations in other countries,--are +carried on, in fact, for the sake of business, if our churches are filled +with business men and our sky pilots pray for the government, you can't +expect heathen individuals like me to do business on a Christian basis,-- +if there is such a thing. You can make rules for croquet, but not for a +game that is based on the natural law of the survival of the fittest. +The darned fools in the legislatures try it occasionally, but we all know +it's a sop to the `common people.' Ask Hughie here if there ever was a +law put on the statute books that his friend Watling couldn't get +'round'? Why, you've got competition even among the churches. Yours, +where I believe you teach in the Sunday school, would go bankrupt if it +proclaimed real Christianity. And you'll go bankrupt if you practise it, +Perry, my boy. Some early, wide-awake, competitive, red-blooded bird +will relieve you of the Boyne Street car line." + +It was one of this same new and "fittest" species who had already +relieved poor Mr. McAlery Willett of his fortune. Mr. Willett was a +trusting soul who had never known how to take care of himself or his +money, people said, and now that he had lost it they blamed him. Some +had been saved enough for him and Nancy to live on in the old house, with +careful economy. It was Nancy who managed the economy, who accomplished +remarkable things with a sum they would have deemed poverty in former +days. Her mother had died while I was at Cambridge. Reverses did not +subdue Mr. Willett's spirits, and the fascination modern "business" had +for him seemed to grow in proportion to the misfortunes it had caused +him. He moved into a tiny office in the Durrett Building, where he +appeared every morning about half-past ten to occupy himself with heaven +knows what short cuts to wealth, with prospectuses of companies in Mexico +or Central America or some other distant place: once, I remember, it was +a tea, company in which he tried to interest his friends, to raise in the +South a product he maintained would surpass Orange Pekoe. In the +afternoon between three and four he would turn up at the Boyne Club, as +well groomed, as spruce as ever, generally with a flower in his +buttonhole. He never forgot that he was a gentleman, and he had a +gentleman's notions of the fitness of things, and it was against his +principles to use, a gentleman's club for the furtherance of his various +enterprises. + +"Drop into my office some day, Dickinson," he would say. "I think I've +got something there that might interest you!" + +He reminded me, when I met him, that he had always predicted I would get +along in life.... + +The portrait of Nancy at this period is not so easily drawn. The decline +of the family fortunes seemed to have had as little effect upon her as +upon her father, although their characters differed sharply. Something +of that spontaneity, of that love of life and joy in it she had possessed +in youth she must have inherited from McAlery Willett, but these +qualities had disappeared in her long before the coming of financial +reverses. She was nearing thirty, and in spite of her beauty and the +rarer distinction that can best be described as breeding, she had never +married. Men admired her, but from a distance; she kept them at arm's +length, they said: strangers who visited the city invariably picked her +out of an assembly and asked who she was; one man from New York who came +to visit Ralph and who had been madly in love with her, she had amazed +many people by refusing, spurning all he might have given her. This +incident seemed a refutation of the charge that she was calculating. As +might have been foretold, she had the social gift in a remarkable degree, +and in spite of the limitations of her purse the knack of dressing better +than other women, though at that time the organization of our social life +still remained comparatively simple, the custom of luxurious and +expensive entertainment not having yet set in. + +The more I reflect upon those days, the more surprising does it seem that +I was not in love with her. It may be that I was, unconsciously, for she +troubled my thoughts occasionally, and she represented all the qualities +I admired in her sex. The situation that had existed at the time of our +first and only quarrel had been reversed, I was on the highroad to the +worldly success I had then resolved upon, Nancy was poor, and for that +reason, perhaps, prouder than ever. If she was inaccessible to others, +she had the air of being peculiarly inaccessible to me--the more so +because some of the superficial relics of our intimacy remained, or +rather had been restored. Her very manner of camaraderie seemed +paradoxically to increase the distance between us. It piqued me. Had +she given me the least encouragement, I am sure I should have responded; +and I remember that I used occasionally to speculate as to whether she +still cared for me, and took this method of hiding her real feelings. +Yet, on the whole, I felt a certain complacency about it all; I knew that +suffering was disagreeable, I had learned how to avoid it, and I may have +had, deep within me, a feeling that I might marry her after all. +Meanwhile my life was full, and gave promise of becoming even fuller, +more absorbing and exciting in the immediate future. + +One of the most fascinating figures, to me, of that Order being woven, +like a cloth of gold, out of our hitherto drab civilization,--an Order +into which I was ready and eager to be initiated,--was that of Adolf +Scherer, the giant German immigrant at the head of the Boyne Iron Works. +His life would easily lend itself to riotous romance. In the old +country, in a valley below the castle perched on the rack above, he had +begun life by tending his father's geese. What a contrast to "Steeltown" +with its smells and sickening summer heat, to the shanty where Mrs. +Scherer took boarders and bent over the wash-tub! She, too, was an +immigrant, but lived to hear her native Wagner from her own box at Covent +Garden; and he to explain, on the deck of an imperial yacht, to the man +who might have been his sovereign certain processes in the manufacture of +steel hitherto untried on that side of the Atlantic. In comparison with +Adolf Scherer, citizen of a once despised democracy, the minor prince in +whose dominions he had once tended geese was of small account indeed! + +The Adolf Scherer of that day--though it is not so long ago as time flies +--was even more solid and impressive than the man he afterwards became, +when he reached the dizzier heights from which he delivered to an eager +press opinions on politics and war, eugenics and woman's suffrage and +other subjects that are the despair of specialists. Had he stuck to +steel, he would have remained invulnerable. But even then he was +beginning to abandon the field of production for that of exploitation: +figuratively speaking, he had taken to soap, which with the aid of water +may be blown into beautiful, iridescent bubbles to charm the eye. Much +good soap, apparently, has gone that way, never to be recovered. +Everybody who was anybody began to blow bubbles about that time, and the +bigger the bubble the greater its attraction for investors of hard-earned +savings. Outside of this love for financial iridescence, let it be +called, Mr. Scherer seemed to care little then for glitter of any sort. +Shortly after his elevation to the presidency of the Boyne Iron Works he +had been elected a member of the Boyne Club,--an honour of which, some +thought, he should have been more sensible; but generally, when in town, +he preferred to lunch at a little German restaurant annexed to a saloon, +where I used often to find him literally towering above the cloth,--for +he was a giant with short legs,--his napkin tucked into his shirt front, +engaged in lively conversation with the ministering Heinrich. The chef +at the club, Mr. Scherer insisted, could produce nothing equal to +Heinrich's sauer-kraut and sausage. My earliest relationship with Mr. +Scherer was that of an errand boy, of bringing to him for his approval +papers which might not be intrusted to a common messenger. His gruffness +and brevity disturbed me more than I cared to confess. I was pretty sure +that he eyed me with the disposition of the self-made to believe that +college educations and good tailors were the heaviest handicaps with +which a young man could be burdened: and I suspected him of an inimical +attitude toward the older families of the city. Certain men possessed +his confidence; and he had built, as it were, a stockade about them, +sternly keeping the rest of the world outside. In Theodore Watling he +had a childlike faith. + +Thus I studied him, with a deliberation which it is the purpose of these +chapters to confess, though he little knew that he was being made the +subject of analysis. Nor did I ever venture to talk with him, but held +strictly to my role of errand boy,--even after the conviction came over +me that he was no longer indifferent to my presence. The day arrived, +after some years, when he suddenly thrust toward me a big, hairy hand +that held the document he was examining. + +"Who drew this, Mr. Paret!" he demanded. + +Mr. Ripon, I told him. + +The Boyne Works were buying up coal-mines, and this was a contract +looking to the purchase of one in Putman County, provided, after a +certain period of working, the yield and quality should come up to +specifications. Mr. Scherer requested me to read one of the sections, +which puzzled him. And in explaining it an idea flashed over me. + +"Do you mind my making a suggestion, Mr. Scherer?" I ventured. + +"What is it?" he asked brusquely. + +I showed him how, by the alteration of a few words, the difficulty to +which he had referred could not only be eliminated, but that certain +possible penalties might be evaded, while the apparent meaning of the +section remained unchanged. In other words, it gave the Boyne Iron Works +an advantage that was not contemplated. He seized the paper, stared at +what I had written in pencil on the margin, and then stared at me. +Abruptly, he began to laugh. + +"Ask Mr. Wading what he thinks of it?" + +"I intended to, provided it had your approval, sir," I replied. + +"You have my approval, Mr. Paret," he declared, rather cryptically, and +with the slight German hardening of the v's into which he relapsed at +times. "Bring it to the Works this afternoon." + +Mr. Wading agreed to the alteration. He looked at me amusedly. + +"Yes, I think that's an improvement, Hugh," he said. I had a feeling +that I had gained ground, and from this time on I thought I detected a +change in his attitude toward me; there could be no doubt about the new +attitude of Mr. Scherer, who would often greet me now with a smile and a +joke, and sometimes went so far as to ask my opinions.... Then, about +six months later, came the famous Ribblevale case that aroused the moral +indignation of so many persons, among whom was Perry Blackwood. + +"You know as well as I do, Hugh, how this thing is being manipulated," he +declared at Tom's one Sunday evening; "there was nothing the matter with +the Ribblevale Steel Company--it was as right as rain before Leonard +Dickinson and Grierson and Scherer and that crowd you train with began to +talk it down at the Club. Oh, they're very compassionate. I've heard +'em. Dickinson, privately, doesn't think much of Ribblevale paper, and +Pugh" (the president of the Ribblevale) "seems worried and looks badly. +It's all very clever, but I'd hate to tell you in plain words what I'd +call it." + +"Go ahead," I challenged him audaciously. "You haven't any proof that +the Ribblevale wasn't in trouble." + +"I heard Mr. Pugh tell my father the other day it was a d--d outrage. He +couldn't catch up with these rumours, and some of his stockholders were +liquidating." + +"You, don't suppose Pugh would want to admit his situation, do you?" I +asked. + +"Pugh's a straight man," retorted Perry. "That's more than I can say for +any of the other gang, saving your presence. The unpleasant truth is +that Scherer and the Boyne people want the Ribblevale, and you ought to +know it if you don't." He looked at me very hard through the glasses he +had lately taken to wearing. Tom, who was lounging by the fire, shifted +his position uneasily. I smiled, and took another cigar. + +"I believe Ralph is right, Perry, when he calls you a sentimentalist. +For you there's a tragedy behind every ordinary business transaction. +The Ribblevale people are having a hard time to keep their heads above +water, and immediately you smell conspiracy. Dickinson and Scherer have +been talking it down. How about it, Tom?" + +But Tom, in these debates, was inclined to be noncommittal, although it +was clear they troubled him. + +"Oh, don't ask me, Hughie," he said. + +"I suppose I ought to cultivate the scientific point of view, and look +with impartial interest at this industrial cannibalism," returned Perry, +sarcastically. "Eat or be eaten that's what enlightened self-interest +has come to. After all, Ralph would say, it is nature, the insect world +over again, the victim duped and crippled before he is devoured, and the +lawyer--how shall I put it?--facilitating the processes of swallowing and +digesting...." + +There was no use arguing with Perry when he was in this vein.... + +Since I am not writing a technical treatise, I need not go into the +details of the Ribblevale suit. Since it to say that the affair, after a +while, came apparently to a deadlock, owing to the impossibility of +getting certain definite information from the Ribblevale books, which had +been taken out of the state. The treasurer, for reasons of his own, +remained out of the state also; the ordinary course of summoning him +before a magistrate in another state had naturally been resorted to, but +the desired evidence was not forthcoming. + +"The trouble is," Mr. Wading explained to Mr. Scherer, "that there is no +law in the various states with a sufficient penalty attached that will +compel the witness to divulge facts he wishes to conceal." + +It was the middle of a February afternoon, and they were seated in deep, +leather chairs in one corner of the reading room of the Boyne Club. They +had the place to themselves. Fowndes was there also, one leg twisted +around the other in familiar fashion, a bored look on his long and sallow +face. Mr. Wading had telephoned to the office for me to bring them some +papers bearing on the case. + +"Sit down, Hugh," he said kindly. + +"Now we have present a genuine legal mind," said Mr. Scherer, in the +playful manner he had adopted of late, while I grinned appreciatively and +took a chair. Mr. Watling presently suggested kidnapping the Ribblevale +treasurer until he should promise to produce the books as the only way +out of what seemed an impasse. But Mr. Scherer brought down a huge fist +on his knee. + +"I tell you it is no joke, Watling, we've got to win that suit," he +asserted. + +"That's all very well," replied Mr. Watling. "But we're a respectable +firm, you know. We haven't had to resort to safe-blowing, as yet." + +Mr. Scherer shrugged his shoulders, as much as to say it were a matter of +indifference to him what methods were resorted to. Mr. Watling's eyes +met mine; his glance was amused, yet I thought I read in it a query as to +the advisability, in my presence, of going too deeply into the question +of ways and means. I may have been wrong. At any rate, its sudden +effect was to embolden me to give voice to an idea that had begun to +simmer in my mind, that excited me, and yet I had feared to utter it. +This look of my chief's, and the lighter tone the conversation had taken +decided me. + +"Why wouldn't it be possible to draw up a bill to fit the situation?" I +inquired. + +Mr. Wading started. + +"What do you mean?" he asked quickly. + +All three looked at me. I felt the blood come into my face, but it was +too late to draw back. + +"Well--the legislature is in session. And since, as Mr. Watling says, +there is no sufficient penalty in other states to compel the witness to +produce the information desired, why not draw up a bill and--and have it +passed--" I paused for breath--"imposing a sufficient penalty on home +corporations in the event of such evasions. The Ribblevale Steel Company +is a home corporation." + +I had shot my bolt.... There followed what was for me an anxious +silence, while the three of them continued to stare at me. Mr. Watling +put the tips of his fingers together, and I became aware that he was not +offended, that he was thinking rapidly. + +"By George, why not, Fowndes?" he demanded. + +"Well," said Fowndes, "there's an element of risk in such a proceeding I +need not dwell upon." + +"Risk!" cried the senior partner vigorously. "There's risk in +everything. They'll howl, of course. But they howl anyway, and nobody +ever listens to them. They'll say it's special legislation, and the +Pilot will print sensational editorials for a few days. But what of it? +All of that has happened before. I tell you, if we can't see those +books, we'll lose the suit. That's in black and white. And, as a matter +of justice, we're entitled to know what we want to know." + +"There might be two opinions as to that," observed Fowndes, with his +sardonic smile. + +Mr. Watling paid no attention to this remark. He was already deep in +thought. It was characteristic of his mind to leap forward, seize a +suggestion that often appeared chimerical to a man like Fowndes and turn +it into an accomplished Fact. "I believe you've hit it, Hugh," he said. +"We needn't bother about the powers of the courts in other states. We'll +put into this bill an appeal to our court for an order on the clerk to +compel the witness to come before the court and testify, and we'll +provide for a special commissioner to take depositions in the state where +the witness is. If the officers of a home corporation who are outside of +the state refuse to testify, the penalty will be that the ration goes +into the hands of a receiver." + +Fowndes whistled. + +"That's going some!" he said. + +"Well, we've got to go some. How about it, Scherer?" + +Even Mr. Scherer's brown eyes were snapping. + +"We have got to win that suit, Watling." + +We were all excited, even Fowndes, I think, though he remained +expressionless. Ours was the tense excitement of primitive man in chase: +the quarry which had threatened to elude us was again in view, and not +unlikely to fall into our hands. Add to this feeling, on my part, the +thrill that it was I who had put them on the scent. I had all the +sensations of an aspiring young brave who for the first time is admitted +to the councils of the tribe! + +"It ought to be a popular bill, too," Mr. Schemer was saying, with a +smile of ironic appreciation at the thought of demagogues advocating it. +"We should have one of Lawler's friends introduce it." + +"Oh, we shall have it properly introduced," replied Mr. Wading. + +"It may come back at us," suggested Fowndes pessimistically. "The Boyne +Iron Works is a home corporation too, if I am not mistaken." + +"The Boyne Iron Works has the firm of Wading, Fowndes and Ripon behind +it," asserted Mr. Scherer, with what struck me as a magnificent faith. + +"You mustn't forget Paret," Mr. Watling reminded him, with a wink at me. + +We had risen. Mr. Scherer laid a hand on my arm. + +"No, no, I do not forget him. He will not permit me to forget him." + +A remark, I thought, that betrayed some insight into my character... Mr. +Watling called for pen and paper and made then and there a draft of the +proposed bill, for no time was to be lost. It was dark when we left the +Club, and I recall the elation I felt and strove to conceal as I +accompanied my chief back to the office. The stenographers and clerks +were gone; alone in the library we got down the statutes and set to work. +to perfect the bill from the rough draft, on which Mr. Fowndes had +written his suggestions. I felt that a complete yet subtle change had +come over my relationship with Mr. Watling. + +In the midst of our labours he asked me to call up the attorney for the +Railroad. Mr. Gorse was still at his office. + +"Hello! Is that you, Miller?" Mr. Watling said. "This is Wading. When +can I see you for a few minutes this evening? Yes, I am leaving for +Washington at nine thirty. Eight o'clock. All right, I'll be there." + +It was almost eight before he got the draft finished to his satisfaction, +and I had picked it out on the typewriter. As I handed it to him, my +chief held it a moment, gazing at me with an odd smile. + +"You seem to have acquired a good deal of useful knowledge, here and +there, Hugh," he observed. + +"I've tried to keep my eyes open, Mr. Watling," I said. + +"Well," he said, "there are a great many things a young man practising +law in these days has to learn for himself. And if I hadn't given you +credit for some cleverness, I shouldn't have wanted you here. There's +only one way to look at--at these matters we have been discussing, my +boy, that's the common-sense way, and if a man doesn't get that point of +view by himself, nobody can teach it to him. I needn't enlarge upon it" + +"No, sir," I said. + +He smiled again, but immediately became serious. + +"If Mr. Gorse should approve of this bill, I'm going to send you down to +the capital--to-night. Can you go?" + +I nodded. + +"I want you to look out for the bill in the legislature. Of course there +won't be much to do, except to stand by, but you will get a better idea +of what goes on down there." + +I thanked him, and told him I would do my best. + +"I'm sure of that," he replied. "Now it's time to go to see Gorse." + +The legal department of the Railroad occupied an entire floor of the Corn +Bank building. I had often been there on various errands, having on +occasions delivered sealed envelopes to Mr. Gorse himself, approaching +him in the ordinary way through a series of offices. But now, following +Mr. Watling through the dimly lighted corridor, we came to a door on +which no name was painted, and which was presently opened by a +stenographer. There was in the proceeding a touch of mystery that +revived keenly my boyish love for romance; brought back the days when I +had been, in turn, Captain Kidd and Ali Baba. + +I have never realized more strongly than in that moment the psychological +force of prestige. Little by little, for five years, an estimate of the +extent of Miller Gorse's power had been coming home to me, and his +features stood in my mind for his particular kind of power. He was a +tremendous worker, and often remained in his office until ten and eleven +at night. He dismissed the stenographer by the wave of a hand which +seemed to thrust her bodily out of the room. + +"Hello, Miller," said Mr. Watling. + +"Hello, Theodore," replied Mr. Gorse. + +"This is Paret, of my office." + +"I know," said Mr. Gorse, and nodded toward me. I was impressed by the +felicity with which a cartoonist of the Pilot had once caricatured him by +the use of curved lines. The circle of the heavy eyebrows ended at the +wide nostrils; the mouth was a crescent, but bowed downwards; the heavy +shoulders were rounded. Indeed, the only straight line to be discerned +about him was that of his hair, black as bitumen, banged across his +forehead; even his polished porphyry eyes were constructed on some +curvilinear principle, and never seemed to focus. It might be said of +Mr. Gorse that he had an overwhelming impersonality. One could never be +quite sure that one's words reached the mark. + +In spite of the intimacy which I knew existed between them, in my +presence at least Mr. Gorse's manner was little different with Mr. +Watling than it was with other men. Mr. Wading did not seem to mind. He +pulled up a chair close to the desk and began, without any preliminaries, +to explain his errand. + +"It's about the Ribblevale affair," he said. "You know we have a suit." + +Gorse nodded. + +"We've got to get at the books, Miller,--that's all there is to it. I +told you so the other day. Well, we've found out a way, I think." + +He thrust his hand in his pocket, while the railroad attorney remained +impassive, and drew out the draft of the bill. Mr. Gorse read it, then +read it over again, and laid it down in front of him. + +"Well," he said. + +"I want to put that through both houses and have the governor's signature +to it by the end of the week." + +"It seems a little raw, at first sight, Theodore," said Mr. Gorse, with +the suspicion of a smile. + +My chief laughed a little. + +"It's not half so raw as some things I might mention, that went through +like greased lightning," he replied. "What can they do? I believe it +will hold water. Tallant's, and most of the other newspapers in the +state, won't print a line about it, and only Socialists and Populists +read the Pilot. They're disgruntled anyway. The point is, there's no +other way out for us. Just think a moment, bearing in mind what I've +told you about the case, and you'll see it." + +Mr. Gorse took up the paper again, and read the draft over. + +"You know as well as I do, Miller, how dangerous it is to leave this +Ribblevale business at loose ends. The Carlisle steel people and the +Lake Shore road are after the Ribblevale Company, and we can't afford to +run any risk of their getting it. It's logically a part of the Boyne +interests, as Scherer says, and Dickinson is ready with the money for the +reorganization. If the Carlisle people and the Lake Shore get it, the +product will be shipped out by the L and G, and the Railroad will lose. +What would Barbour say?" + +Mr. Barbour, as I have perhaps mentioned, was the president of the +Railroad, and had his residence in the other great city of the state. He +was then, I knew, in the West. + +"We've got to act now," insisted Mr. Watling. "That's open and shut. If +you have any other plan, I wish you'd trot it out. If not, I want a +letter to Paul Varney and the governor. I'm going to send Paret down +with them on the night train." + +It was clear to me then, in the discussion following, that Mr. Watling's +gift of persuasion, though great, was not the determining factor in Mr. +Gorse's decision. He, too, possessed boldness, though he preferred +caution. Nor did the friendship between the two enter into the +transaction. I was impressed more strongly than ever with the fact that +a lawsuit was seldom a mere private affair between two persons or +corporations, but involved a chain of relationships and nine times out of +ten that chain led up to the Railroad, which nearly always was vitally +interested in these legal contests. Half an hour of masterly +presentation of the situation was necessary before Mr. Gorse became +convinced that the introduction of the bill was the only way out for all +concerned. + +"Well, I guess you're right, Theodore," he said at length. Whereupon he +seized his pen and wrote off two notes with great rapidity. These he +showed to Mr. Watling, who nodded and returned them. They were folded +and sealed, and handed to me. One was addressed to Colonel Paul Varney, +and the other to the Hon. W. W. Trulease, governor of the state. + +"You can trust this young man?" demanded Mr. Gorse. + +"I think so," replied Mr. Watling, smiling at me. "The bill was his own +idea." + +The railroad attorney wheeled about in his chair and looked at me; looked +around me, would better express it, with his indefinite, encompassing yet +inclusive glance. I had riveted his attention. And from henceforth, I +knew, I should enter into his calculations. He had made for me a +compartment in his mind. + +"His own idea!" he repeated. + +"I merely suggested it," I was putting in, when he cut me short. + +"Aren't you the son of Matthew Paret?" + +"Yes," I said. + +He gave me a queer glance, the significance of which I left untranslated. +My excitement was too great to analyze what he meant by this mention of +my father.... + +When we reached the sidewalk my chief gave me a few parting instructions. + +"I need scarcely say, Hugh," he added, "that your presence in the capital +should not be advertised as connected with this--legislation. They will +probably attribute it to us in the end, but if you're reasonably careful, +they'll never be able to prove it. And there's no use in putting our +cards on the table at the beginning." + +"No indeed, sir!" I agreed. + +He took my hand and pressed it. + +"Good luck," he said. "I know you'll get along all right." + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg A Far Country, by Winston Churchill, Vol. 1 + diff --git a/old/wc10v10.zip b/old/wc10v10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..756762e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/wc10v10.zip diff --git a/old/wc10v11.txt b/old/wc10v11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a052853 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/wc10v11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5855 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of A Far Country, by Winston Churchill, v1 +#10 in our series by this Winston Churchill + +This author is a cousin of Sir Winston Churchill the Prime Minister + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!!!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. + +Please do not remove this. + +This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. +Do not change or edit it without written permission. 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The book I am +about to write might aptly be called The Autobiography of a Romanticist. +In that sense, if in no other, I have been a typical American, regarding +my country as the happy hunting-ground of enlightened self-interest, as a +function of my desires. Whether or not I have completely got rid of this +romantic virus I must leave to those the aim of whose existence is to +eradicate it from our literature and our life. A somewhat Augean task! + +I have been impelled therefore to make an attempt at setting forth, with +what frankness and sincerity I may, with those powers of selection of +which I am capable, the life I have lived in this modern America; the +passions I have known, the evils I have done. I endeavour to write a +biography of the inner life; but in order to do this I shall have to +relate those causal experiences of the outer existence that take place in +the world of space and time, in the four walls of the home, in the school +and university, in the noisy streets, in the realm of business and +politics. I shall try to set down, impartially, the motives that have +impelled my actions, to reveal in some degree the amazing mixture of good +and evil which has made me what I am to-day: to avoid the tricks of +memory and resist the inherent desire to present myself other and better +than I am. Your American romanticist is a sentimental spoiled child who +believes in miracles, whose needs are mostly baubles, whose desires are +dreams. Expediency is his motto. Innocent of a knowledge of the +principles of the universe, he lives in a state of ceaseless activity, +admitting no limitations, impatient of all restrictions. What he wants, +he wants very badly indeed. This wanting things was the corner-stone of +my character, and I believe that the science of the future will bear me +out when I say that it might have been differently built upon. Certain +it is that the system of education in vogue in the 70's and 80's never +contemplated the search for natural corner-stones. + +At all events, when I look back upon the boy I was, I see the beginnings +of a real person who fades little by little as manhood arrives and +advances, until suddenly I am aware that a stranger has taken his +place.... + +I lived in a city which is now some twelve hours distant from the +Atlantic seaboard. A very different city, too, it was in youth, in my +grandfather's day and my father's, even in my own boyhood, from what it +has since become in this most material of ages. + +There is a book of my photographs, preserved by my mother, which I have +been looking over lately. First is presented a plump child of two, +gazing in smiling trustfulness upon a world of sunshine; later on a lean +boy in plaided kilts, whose wavy, chestnut-brown hair has been most +carefully parted on the side by Norah, his nurse. The face is still +childish. Then appears a youth of fourteen or thereabout in long +trousers and the queerest of short jackets, standing beside a marble +table against a classic background; he is smiling still in undiminished +hope and trust, despite increasing vexations and crossings, meaningless +lessons which had to be learned, disciplines to rack an aspiring soul, +and long, uncomfortable hours in the stiff pew of the First Presbyterian +Church. Associated with this torture is a peculiar Sunday smell and the +faint rustling of silk dresses. I can see the stern black figure of Dr. +Pound, who made interminable statements to the Lord. + +"Oh, Lord," I can hear him say, "thou knowest..." + +These pictures, though yellowed and faded, suggest vividly the being I +once was, the feelings that possessed and animated me, love for my +playmates, vague impulses struggling for expression in a world forever +thwarting them. I recall, too, innocent dreams of a future unidentified, +dreams from which I emerged vibrating with an energy that was lost for +lack of a definite objective: yet it was constantly being renewed. I +often wonder what I might have become if it could have been harnessed, +directed! Speculations are vain. Calvinism, though it had begun to make +compromises, was still a force in those days, inimical to spontaneity and +human instincts. And when I think of Calvinism I see, not Dr. Pound, who +preached it, but my father, who practised and embodied it. I loved him, +but he made of righteousness a stern and terrible thing implying not joy, +but punishment, the, suppression rather than the expansion of +aspirations. His religion seemed woven all of austerity, contained no +shining threads to catch my eye. Dreams, to him, were matters for +suspicion and distrust. + +I sometimes ask myself, as I gaze upon his portrait now, the duplicate of +the one painted for the Bar Association, whether he ever could have felt +the secret, hot thrills I knew and did not identify with religion. His +religion was real to him, though he failed utterly to make it +comprehensible to me. The apparent calmness, evenness of his life awed +me. A successful lawyer, a respected and trusted citizen, was he lacking +somewhat in virility, vitality? I cannot judge him, even to-day. I +never knew him. There were times in my youth when the curtain of his +unfamiliar spirit was withdrawn a little: and once, after I had passed +the crisis of some childhood disease, I awoke to find him bending over my +bed with a tender expression that surprised and puzzled me. + +He was well educated, and from his portrait a shrewd observer might +divine in him a genteel taste for literature. The fine features bear +witness to the influence of an American environment, yet suggest the +intellectual Englishman of Matthew Arnold's time. The face is +distinguished, ascetic, the chestnut hair lighter and thinner than my +own; the side whiskers are not too obtrusive, the eyes blue-grey. There +is a large black cravat crossed and held by a cameo pin, and the coat has +odd, narrow lapels. His habits of mind were English, although he +harmonized well enough with the manners and traditions of a city whose +inheritance was Scotch-Irish; and he invariably drank tea for breakfast. +One of my earliest recollections is of the silver breakfast service and +egg-cups which my great-grandfather brought with him from Sheffield to +Philadelphia shortly after the Revolution. His son, Dr. Hugh Moreton +Paret, after whom I was named, was the best known physician of the city +in the decorous, Second Bank days. + +My mother was Sarah Breck. Hers was my Scotch-Irish side. Old Benjamin +Breck, her grandfather, undaunted by sea or wilderness, had come straight +from Belfast to the little log settlement by the great river that +mirrored then the mantle of primeval forest on the hills. So much for +chance. He kept a store with a side porch and square-paned windows, +where hams and sides of bacon and sugar loaves in blue glazed paper hung +beside ploughs and calico prints, barrels of flour, of molasses and rum, +all of which had been somehow marvellously transported over the passes of +those forbidding mountains,--passes we blithely thread to-day in dining +cars and compartment sleepers. Behind the store were moored the barges +that floated down on the swift current to the Ohio, carrying goods to +even remoter settlements in the western wilderness. + +Benjamin, in addition to his emigrant's leather box, brought with him +some of that pigment that was to dye the locality for generations a deep +blue. I refer, of course, to his Presbyterianism. And in order the +better to ensure to his progeny the fastness of this dye, he married the +granddaughter of a famous divine, celebrated in the annals of New +England,--no doubt with some injustice,--as a staunch advocate on the +doctrine of infant damnation. My cousin Robert Breck had old Benjamin's +portrait, which has since gone to the Kinley's. Heaven knows who painted +it, though no great art were needed to suggest on canvas the tough fabric +of that sitter, who was more Irish than Scotch. The heavy stick he holds +might, with a slight stretch of the imagination, be a blackthorn; his +head looks capable of withstanding many blows; his hand of giving many. +And, as I gazed the other day at this picture hanging in the shabby +suburban parlour, I could only contrast him with his anaemic descendants +who possessed the likeness. Between the children of poor Mary Kinley,-- +Cousin Robert's daughter, and the hardy stock of the old country there is +a gap indeed! + +Benjamin Breck made the foundation of a fortune. It was his son who +built on the Second Bank the wide, corniced mansion in which to house +comfortably his eight children. There, two tiers above the river, lived +my paternal grandfather, Dr. Paret, the Breck's physician and friend; the +Durretts and the Hambletons, iron-masters; the Hollisters, Sherwins, the +McAlerys and Ewanses,--Breck connections,--the Willetts and Ogilvys; in +short, everyone of importance in the days between the 'thirties and the +Civil War. Theirs were generous houses surrounded by shade trees, with +glorious back yards--I have been told--where apricots and pears and +peaches and even nectarines grew. + +The business of Breck and Company, wholesale grocers, descended to my +mother's first cousin, Robert Breck, who lived at Claremore. The very +sound of that word once sufficed to give me a shiver of delight; but the +Claremore I knew has disappeared as completely as Atlantis, and the place +is now a suburb (hateful word!) cut up into building lots and connected +with Boyne Street and the business section of the city by trolley lines. +Then it was "the country," and fairly saturated with romance. Cousin +Robert, when he came into town to spend his days at the store, brought +with him some of this romance, I had almost said of this aroma. He was +no suburbanite, but rural to the backbone, professing a most proper +contempt for dwellers in towns. + +Every summer day that dawned held Claremore as a possibility. And such +was my capacity for joy that my appetite would depart completely when I +heard my mother say, questioningly and with proper wifely respect + +"If you're really going off on a business trip for a day or two, Mr. +Paret" (she generally addressed my father thus formally), "I think I'll +go to Robert's and take Hugh." + +"Shall I tell Norah to pack, mother," I would exclaim, starting up. + +"We'll see what your father thinks, my dear." + +"Remain at the table until you are excused, Hugh," he would say. + +Released at length, I would rush to Norah, who always rejoiced with me, +and then to the wire fence which marked the boundary of the Peters domain +next door, eager, with the refreshing lack of consideration +characteristic of youth, to announce to the Peterses--who were to remain +at home the news of my good fortune. There would be Tom and Alfred and +Russell and Julia and little Myra with her grass-stained knees, faring +forth to seek the adventures of a new day in the shady western yard. +Myra was too young not to look wistful at my news, but the others +pretended indifference, seeking to lessen my triumph. And it was Julia +who invariably retorted "We can go out to Uncle Jake's farm whenever we +want to. Can't we, Tom?"... + +No journey ever taken since has equalled in ecstasy that leisurely trip +of thirteen miles in the narrow-gauge railroad that wound through hot +fields of nodding corn tassels and between delicious, acrid-smelling +woods to Claremore. No silent palace "sleeping in the sun," no edifice +decreed by Kubla Khan could have worn more glamour than the house of +Cousin Robert Breck. + +It stood half a mile from the drowsy village, deep in its own grounds +amidst lawns splashed with shadows, with gravel paths edged--in barbarous +fashion, if you please with shells. There were flower beds of equally +barbarous design; and two iron deer, which, like the figures on Keats's +Grecian urn, were ever ready poised to flee,--and yet never fled. For +Cousin Robert was rich, as riches went in those days: not only rich, but +comfortable. Stretching behind the house were sweet meadows of hay and +red clover basking in the heat, orchards where the cows cropped beneath +the trees, arbours where purple clusters of Concords hung beneath warm +leaves: there were woods beyond, into which, under the guidance of Willie +Breck, I made adventurous excursions, and in the autumn gathered +hickories and walnuts. The house was a rambling, wooden mansion painted +grey, with red scroll-work on its porches and horsehair furniture inside. +Oh, the smell of its darkened interior on a midsummer day! Like the +flavour of that choicest of tropical fruits, the mangosteen, it baffles +analysis, and the nearest I can come to it is a mixture of matting and +corn-bread, with another element too subtle to define. + +The hospitality of that house! One would have thought we had arrived, my +mother and I, from the ends of the earth, such was the welcome we got +from Cousin Jenny, Cousin Robert's wife, from Mary and Helen with the +flaxen pig-tails, from Willie, whom I recall as permanently without shoes +or stockings. Met and embraced by Cousin Jenny at the station and driven +to the house in the squeaky surrey, the moment we arrived she and my +mother would put on the dressing-sacks I associated with hot weather, and +sit sewing all day long in rocking-chairs at the coolest end of the +piazza. The women of that day scorned lying down, except at night, and +as evening came on they donned starched dresses; I recall in particular +one my mother wore, with little vertical stripes of black and white, and +a full skirt. And how they talked, from the beginning of the visit until +the end! I have often since wondered where the topics came from. + +It was not until nearly seven o'clock that the train arrived which +brought home my Cousin Robert. He was a big man; his features and even +his ample moustache gave a disconcerting impression of rugged integrity, +and I remember him chiefly in an alpaca or seersucker coat. Though much +less formal, more democratic--in a word--than my father, I stood in awe +of him for a different reason, and this I know now was because he +possessed the penetration to discern the flaws in my youthful character, +--flaws that persisted in manhood. None so quick as Cousin Robert to +detect deceptions which were hidden from my mother. + +His hobby was carpentering, and he had a little shop beside the stable +filled with shining tools which Willie and I, in spite of their +attractions, were forbidden to touch. Willie, by dire experience, had +learned to keep the law; but on one occasion I stole in alone, and +promptly cut my finger with a chisel. My mother and Cousin Jenny +accepted the fiction that the injury had been done with a flint arrowhead +that Willie had given me, but when Cousin Robert came home and saw my +bound hand and heard the story, he gave me a certain look which sticks in +my mind. + +"Wonderful people, those Indians were!" he observed. "They could make +arrowheads as sharp as chisels." + +I was most uncomfortable.... + +He had a strong voice, and spoke with a rising inflection and a marked +accent that still remains peculiar to our locality, although it was much +modified in my mother and not at all noticeable in my father; with an odd +nasal alteration of the burr our Scotch-Irish ancestors had brought with +them across the seas. For instance, he always called my father Mr. Par- +r-ret. He had an admiration and respect for him that seemed to forbid +the informality of "Matthew." It was shared by others of my father's +friends and relations. + +"Sarah," Cousin Robert would say to my mother, "you're coddling that boy, +you ought to lam him oftener. Hand him over to me for a couple of +months--I'll put him through his paces.... So you're going to send him +to college, are you? He's too good for old Benjamin's grocery business." + +He was very fond of my mother, though he lectured her soundly for her +weakness in indulging me. I can see him as he sat at the head of the +supper table, carving liberal helpings which Mary and Helen and Willie +devoured with country appetites, watching our plates. + +"What's the matter, Hugh? You haven't eaten all your lamb." + +"He doesn't like fat, Robert," my mother explained. + +"I'd teach him to like it if he were my boy." + +"Well, Robert, he isn't your boy," Cousin Jenny would remind him.... +His bark was worse than his bite. Like many kind people he made use of +brusqueness to hide an inner tenderness, and on the train he was hail +fellow well met with every Tom, Dick and Harry that commuted,--although +the word was not invented in those days,--and the conductor and brakeman +too. But he had his standards, and held to them.... + +Mine was not a questioning childhood, and I was willing to accept the +scheme of things as presented to me entire. In my tenderer years, when I +had broken one of the commandments on my father's tablet (there were more +than ten), and had, on his home-coming, been sent to bed, my mother would +come softly upstairs after supper with a book in her hand; a book of +selected Bible stories on which Dr. Pound had set the seal of his +approval, with a glazed picture cover, representing Daniel in the lions' +den and an angel standing beside him. On the somewhat specious plea that +Holy Writ might have a chastening effect, she was permitted to minister +to me in my shame. The amazing adventure of Shadrach, Meshach and +Abednego particularly appealed to an imagination needing little +stimulation. It never occurred to me to doubt that these gentlemen had +triumphed over caloric laws. But out of my window, at the back of the +second storey, I often saw a sudden, crimson glow in the sky to the +southward, as though that part of the city had caught fire. There were +the big steel-works, my mother told me, belonging to Mr. Durrett and Mr. +Hambleton, the father of Ralph Hambleton and the grandfather of Hambleton +Durrett, my schoolmates at Miss Caroline's. I invariably connected the +glow, not with Hambleton and Ralph, but with Shadrach, Meshach and +Abednego! Later on, when my father took me to the steel-works, and I +beheld with awe a huge pot filled with molten metal that ran out of it +like water, I asked him--if I leaped into that stream, could God save me? +He was shocked. Miracles, he told me, didn't happen any more. + +"When did they stop?" I demanded. + +"About two thousand years ago, my son," he replied gravely. + +"Then," said I, "no matter how much I believed in God, he wouldn't save +me if I jumped into the big kettle for his sake?" + +For this I was properly rebuked and silenced. + +My boyhood was filled with obsessing desires. If God, for example, had +cast down, out of his abundant store, manna and quail in the desert, why +couldn't he fling me a little pocket money? A paltry quarter of a +dollar, let us say, which to me represented wealth. To avoid the +reproach of the Pharisees, I went into the closet of my bed-chamber to +pray, requesting that the quarter should be dropped on the north side of +Lyme Street, between Stamford and Tryon; in short, as conveniently near +home as possible. Then I issued forth, not feeling overconfident, but +hoping. Tom Peters, leaning over the ornamental cast-iron fence which +separated his front yard from the street, presently spied me scanning the +sidewalk. + +"What are you looking for, Hugh?" he demanded with interest. + +"Oh, something I dropped," I answered uneasily. + +"What?" + +Naturally, I refused to tell. It was a broiling, midsummer day; Julia +and Russell, who had been warned to stay in the shade, but who were +engaged in the experiment of throwing the yellow cat from the top of the +lattice fence to see if she would alight on her feet, were presently +attracted, and joined in the search. The mystery which I threw around it +added to its interest, and I was not inconsiderably annoyed. Suppose one +of them were to find the quarter which God had intended for me? Would +that be justice? + +"It's nothing," I said, and pretended to abandon the quest--to be renewed +later. But this ruse failed; they continued obstinately to search; and +after a few minutes Tom, with a shout, picked out of a hot crevice +between the bricks--a nickel! + +"It's mine!" I cried fiercely. + +"Did you lose it?" demanded Julia, the canny one, as Tom was about to +give it up. + +My lying was generally reserved for my elders. + +"N-no," I said hesitatingly, "but it's mine all the same. It was--sent +to me." + +"Sent to you!" they exclaimed, in a chorus of protest and derision. And +how, indeed, was I to make good my claim? The Peterses, when assembled, +were a clan, led by Julia and in matters of controversy, moved as one. +How was I to tell them that in answer to my prayers for twenty-five +cents, God had deemed five all that was good for me? + +"Some--somebody dropped it there for me." + +"Who?" demanded the chorus. "Say, that's a good one!" + +Tears suddenly blinded me. Overcome by chagrin, I turned and flew into +the house and upstairs into my room, locking the door behind me. An +interval ensued, during which I nursed my sense of wrong, and it pleased +me to think that the money would bring a curse on the Peters family. At +length there came a knock on the door, and a voice calling my name. + +"Hugh! Hugh!" + +It was Tom. + +"Hughie, won't you let me in? I want to give you the nickel." + +"Keep it!" I shouted back. "You found it." + +Another interval, and then more knocking. + +"Open up," he said coaxingly. "I--I want to talk to you." + +I relented, and let him in. He pressed the coin into my hand. I +refused; he pleaded. + +"You found it," I said, "it's yours." + +"But--but you were looking for it." + +"That makes no difference," I declared magnanimously. + +Curiosity overcame him. + +"Say, Hughie, if you didn't drop it, who on earth did?" + +"Nobody on earth," I replied cryptically.... + +Naturally, I declined to reveal the secret. Nor was this by any means +the only secret I held over the Peters family, who never quite knew what +to make of me. They were not troubled with imaginations. Julia was a +little older than Tom and had a sharp tongue, but over him I exercised a +distinct fascination, and I knew it. Literal himself, good-natured and +warm-hearted, the gift I had of tingeing life with romance (to put the +thing optimistically), of creating kingdoms out of back yards--at which +Julia and Russell sniffed--held his allegiance firm. + + + + +II. + +I must have been about twelve years of age when I realized that I was +possessed of the bard's inheritance. A momentous journey I made with my +parents to Boston about this time not only stimulated this gift, but gave +me the advantage of which other travellers before me have likewise +availed themselves--of being able to take certain poetic liberties with a +distant land that my friends at home had never seen. Often during the +heat of summer noons when we were assembled under the big maple beside +the lattice fence in the Peters' yard, the spirit would move me to relate +the most amazing of adventures. Our train, for instance, had been held +up in the night by a band of robbers in black masks, and rescued by a +traveller who bore a striking resemblance to my Cousin Robert Breck. He +had shot two of the robbers. These fabrications, once started, flowed +from me with ridiculous ease. I experienced an unwonted exhilaration, +exaltation; I began to believe that they had actually occurred. In vain +the astute Julia asserted that there were no train robbers in the east. +What had my father done? Well, he had been very brave, but he had had no +pistol. Had I been frightened? No, not at all; I, too, had wished for a +pistol. Why hadn't I spoken of this before? Well, so many things had +happened to me I couldn't tell them all at once. It was plain that +Julia, though often fascinated against her will, deemed this sort of +thing distinctly immoral. + +I was a boy divided in two. One part of me dwelt in a fanciful realm of +his own weaving, and the other part was a commonplace and protesting +inhabitant of a world of lessons, disappointments and discipline. My +instincts were not vicious. Ideas bubbled up within me continually from +an apparently inexhaustible spring, and the very strength of the longings +they set in motion puzzled and troubled my parents: what I seem to see +most distinctly now is a young mind engaged in a ceaseless struggle for +self-expression, for self-development, against the inertia of a tradition +of which my father was the embodiment. He was an enigma to me then. He +sincerely loved me, he cherished ambitions concerning me, yet thwarted +every natural, budding growth, until I grew unconsciously to regard him +as my enemy, although I had an affection for him and a pride in him that +flared up at times. Instead of confiding to him my aspirations, vague +though they were, I became more and more secretive as I grew older. I +knew instinctively that he regarded these aspirations as evidences in my +character of serious moral flaws. And I would sooner have suffered many +afternoons of his favourite punishment--solitary confinement in my room-- +than reveal to him those occasional fits of creative fancy which caused +me to neglect my lessons in order to put them on paper. Loving +literature, in his way, he was characteristically incapable of +recognizing the literary instinct, and the symptoms of its early stages +he mistook for inherent frivolity, for lack of respect for the truth; in +brief, for original sin. At the age of fourteen I had begun secretly +(alas, how many things I did secretly!) to write stories of a sort, +stories that never were finished. + +He regarded reading as duty, not pleasure. He laid out books for me, +which I neglected. He was part and parcel of that American environment +in which literary ambition was regarded as sheer madness. And no one who +has not experienced that environment can have any conception of the +pressure it exerted to stifle originality, to thrust the new generation +into its religious and commercial moulds. Shall we ever, I wonder, +develop the enlightened education that will know how to take advantage of +such initiative as was mine? that will be on the watch for it, sympathize +with it and guide it to fruition? + +I was conscious of still another creative need, that of dramatizing my +ideas, of converting them into action. And this need was to lead me +farther than ever afield from the path of righteousness. The concrete +realization of ideas, as many geniuses will testify, is an expensive +undertaking, requiring a little pocket money; and I have already touched +upon that subject. My father did not believe in pocket money. A sea +story that my Cousin Donald Ewan gave me at Christmas inspired me to +compose one of a somewhat different nature; incidentally, I deemed it a +vast improvement on Cousin Donald's book. Now, if I only had a boat, +with the assistance of Ham Durrett and Tom Peters, Gene Hollister and +Perry Blackwood and other friends, this story of mine might be staged. +There were, however, as usual, certain seemingly insuperable +difficulties: in the first place, it was winter time; in the second, no +facilities existed in the city for operations of a nautical character; +and, lastly, my Christmas money amounted only to five dollars. +It was my father who pointed out these and other objections. For, after +a careful perusal of the price lists I had sent for, I had been forced to +appeal to him to supply additional funds with which to purchase a row- +boat. Incidentally, he read me a lecture on extravagance, referred to my +last month's report at the Academy, and finished by declaring that he +would not permit me to have a boat even in the highly improbable case of +somebody's presenting me with one. Let it not be imagined that my ardour +or my determination were extinguished. Shortly after I had retired from +his presence it occurred to me that he had said nothing to forbid my +making a boat, and the first thing I did after school that day was to +procure, for twenty-five cents, a second-hand book on boat construction. +The woodshed was chosen as a shipbuilding establishment. It was +convenient--and my father never went into the back yard in cold weather. +Inquiries of lumber-yards developing the disconcerting fact that four +dollars and seventy-five cents was inadequate to buy the material itself, +to say nothing of the cost of steaming and bending the ribs, I +reluctantly abandoned the ideal of the graceful craft I had sketched, and +compromised on a flat bottom. Observe how the ways of deception lead to +transgression: I recalled the cast-off lumber pile of Jarvis, the +carpenter, a good-natured Englishman, coarse and fat: in our +neighbourhood his reputation for obscenity was so well known to mothers +that I had been forbidden to go near him or his shop. Grits Jarvis, his +son, who had inherited the talent, was also contraband. I can see now +the huge bulk of the elder Jarvis as he stood in the melting, soot- +powdered snow in front of his shop, and hear his comments on my +pertinacity. + +"If you ever wants another man's missus when you grows up, my lad, Gawd +'elp 'im!" + +"Why should I want another man's wife when I don't want one of my own?" +I demanded, indignant. + +He laughed with his customary lack of moderation. + +"You mind what old Jarvis says," he cried. "What you wants, you gets." + +I did get his boards, by sheer insistence. No doubt they were not very +valuable, and without question he more than made up for them in my +mother's bill. I also got something else of equal value to me at the +moment,--the assistance of Grits, the contraband; daily, after school, I +smuggled him into the shed through the alley, acquiring likewise the +services of Tom Peters, which was more of a triumph than it would seem. +Tom always had to be "worked up" to participation in my ideas, but in the +end he almost invariably succumbed. The notion of building a boat in the +dead of winter, and so far from her native element, naturally struck him +at first as ridiculous. Where in Jehoshaphat was I going to sail it if I +ever got it made? He much preferred to throw snowballs at innocent wagon +drivers. + +All that Tom saw, at first, was a dirty, coal-spattered shed with dim +recesses, for it was lighted on one side only, and its temperature was +somewhere below freezing. Surely he could not be blamed for a tempered +enthusiasm! But for me, all the dirt and cold and discomfort were +blotted out, and I beheld a gallant craft manned by sturdy seamen forging +her way across blue water in the South Seas. Treasure Island, alas, was +as yet unwritten; but among my father's books were two old volumes in +which I had hitherto taken no interest, with crude engravings of palms +and coral reefs, of naked savages and tropical mountains covered with +jungle, the adventures, in brief, of one Captain Cook. I also discovered +a book by a later traveller. Spurred on by a mysterious motive power, +and to the great neglect of the pons asinorum and the staple products of +the Southern States, I gathered an amazing amount of information +concerning a remote portion of the globe, of head-hunters and poisoned +stakes, of typhoons, of queer war-craft that crept up on you while you +were dismantling galleons, when desperate hand-to-hand encounters ensued. +Little by little as I wove all this into personal adventures soon to be +realized, Tom forgot the snowballs and the maddened grocery-men who +chased him around the block; while Grits would occasionally stop sawing +and cry out:-- + +"Ah, s'y!" frequently adding that he would be G--d--d. + +The cold woodshed became a chantry on the New England coast, the alley +the wintry sea soon to embrace our ship, the saw-horses--which stood +between a coal-bin on one side and unused stalls filled with rubbish and +kindling on the other--the ways; the yard behind the lattice fence became +a backwater, the flapping clothes the sails of ships that took refuge +there--on Mondays and Tuesdays. Even my father was symbolized with +unparalleled audacity as a watchful government which had, up to the +present, no inkling of our semi-piratical intentions! The cook and the +housemaid, though remonstrating against the presence of Grits, were +friendly confederates; likewise old Cephas, the darkey who, from my +earliest memory, carried coal and wood and blacked the shoes, washed the +windows and scrubbed the steps. + +One afternoon Tom went to work.... + +The history of the building of the good ship Petrel is similar to that of +all created things, a story of trial and error and waste. At last, one +March day she stood ready for launching. She had even been caulked; for +Grits, from an unknown and unquestionably dubious source, had procured a +bucket of tar, which we heated over afire in the alley and smeared into +every crack. It was natural that the news of such a feat as we were +accomplishing should have leaked out, that the "yard" should have been +visited from time to time by interested friends, some of whom came to +admire, some to scoff, and all to speculate. Among the scoffers, of +course, was Ralph Hambleton, who stood with his hands in his pockets and +cheerfully predicted all sorts of dire calamities. Ralph was always a +superior boy, tall and a trifle saturnine and cynical, with an amazing +self-confidence not wholly due to the wealth of his father, the iron- +master. He was older than I. + +"She won't float five minutes, if you ever get her to the water," was his +comment, and in this he was supported on general principles by Julia and +Russell Peters. Ralph would have none of the Petrel, or of the South +Seas either; but he wanted,--so he said,--"to be in at the death." The +Hambletons were one of the few families who at that time went to the sea +for the summer, and from a practical knowledge of craft in general Ralph +was not slow to point out the defects of ours. Tom and I defended her +passionately. + +Ralph was not a romanticist. He was a born leader, excelling at +organized games, exercising over boys the sort of fascination that comes +from doing everything better and more easily than others. It was only +during the progress of such enterprises as this affair of the Petrel that +I succeeded in winning their allegiance; bit by bit, as Tom's had been +won, fanning their enthusiasm by impersonating at once Achilles and +Homer, recruiting while relating the Odyssey of the expedition in glowing +colours. Ralph always scoffed, and when I had no scheme on foot they +went back to him. Having surveyed the boat and predicted calamity, he +departed, leaving a circle of quaint and youthful figures around the +Petrel in the shed: Gene Hollister, romantically inclined, yet somewhat +hampered by a strict parental supervision; Ralph's cousin Ham Durrett, +who was even then a rather fat boy, good-natured but selfish; Don and +Harry Ewan, my second cousins; Mac and Nancy Willett and Sam and Sophy +McAlery. Nancy was a tomboy, not to be denied, and Sophy her shadow. We +held a council, the all-important question of which was how to get the +Petrel to the water, and what water to get her to. The river was not to +be thought of, and Blackstone Lake some six miles from town. Finally, +Logan's mill-pond was decided on,--a muddy sheet on the outskirts of the +city. But how to get her to Logan's mill-pond? Cephas was at length +consulted. It turned out that he had a coloured friend who went by the +impressive name of Thomas Jefferson Taliaferro (pronounced Tolliver), who +was in the express business; and who, after surveying the boat with some +misgivings,--for she was ten feet long,--finally consented to transport +her to "tide-water" for the sum of two dollars. But it proved that our +combined resources only amounted to a dollar and seventy-five cents. Ham +Durrett never contributed to anything. On this sum Thomas Jefferson +compromised. + +Saturday dawned clear, with a stiff March wind catching up the dust into +eddies and whirling it down the street. No sooner was my father safely +on his way to his office than Thomas Jefferson was reported to be in the +alley, where we assembled, surveying with some misgivings Thomas +Jefferson's steed, whose ability to haul the Petrel two miles seemed +somewhat doubtful. Other difficulties developed; the door in the back of +the shed proved to be too narrow for our ship's beam. But men embarked +on a desperate enterprise are not to be stopped by such trifles, and the +problem was solved by sawing out two adjoining boards. These were +afterwards replaced with skill by the ship's carpenter, Able Seaman Grits +Jarvis. Then the Petrel by heroic efforts was got into the wagon, the +seat of which had been removed, old Thomas Jefferson perched himself +precariously in the bow and protestingly gathered up his rope-patched +reins. + +"Folks'll 'low I'se plum crazy, drivin' dis yere boat," he declared, +observing with concern that some four feet of the stern projected over +the tail-board. "Ef she topples, I'll git to heaven quicker'n a bullet." + +When one is shanghaied, however,--in the hands of buccaneers,--it is too +late to withdraw. Six shoulders upheld the rear end of the Petrel, +others shoved, and Thomas Jefferson's rickety horse began to move forward +in spite of himself. An expression of sheer terror might have been +observed on the old negro's crinkled face, but his voice was drowned, and +we swept out of the alley. Scarcely had we travelled a block before we +began to be joined by all the boys along the line of march; marbles, +tops, and even incipient baseball games were abandoned that Saturday +morning; people ran out of their houses, teamsters halted their carts. +The breathless excitement, the exaltation I had felt on leaving the alley +were now tinged with other feelings, unanticipated, but not wholly +lacking in delectable quality,--concern and awe at these unforeseen +forces I had raised, at this ever growing and enthusiastic body of +volunteers springing up like dragon's teeth in our path. After all, was +not I the hero of this triumphal procession? The thought was consoling, +exhilarating. And here was Nancy marching at my side, a little subdued, +perhaps, but unquestionably admiring and realizing that it was I who had +created all this. Nancy, who was the aptest of pupils, the most loyal of +followers, though I did not yet value her devotion at its real worth, +because she was a girl. Her imagination kindled at my touch. And on +this eventful occasion she carried in her arms a parcel, the contents of +which were unknown to all but ourselves. At length we reached the muddy +shores of Logan's pond, where two score eager hands volunteered to assist +the Petrel into her native element. + +Alas! that the reality never attains to the vision. I had beheld, in my +dreams, the Petrel about to take the water, and Nancy Willett standing +very straight making a little speech and crashing a bottle of wine across +the bows. This was the content of the mysterious parcel; she had stolen +it from her father's cellar. But the number of uninvited spectators, +which had not been foreseen, considerably modified the programme,--as the +newspapers would have said. They pushed and crowded around the ship, and +made frank and even brutal remarks as to her seaworthiness; even Nancy, +inured though she was to the masculine sex, had fled to the heights, and +it looked at this supreme moment as though we should have to fight for +the Petrel. An attempt to muster her doughty buccaneers failed; the +gunner too had fled,--Gene Hollister; Ham Durrett and the Ewanses were +nowhere to be seen, and a muster revealed only Tom, the fidus Achates, +and Grits Jarvis. + +"Ah, s'y!" he exclaimed in the teeth of the menacing hordes. "Stand +back, carn't yer? I'll bash yer face in, Johnny. Whose boat is this?" + +Shall it be whispered that I regretted his belligerency? Here, in truth, +was the drama staged,--my drama, had I only been able to realize it. The +good ship beached, the headhunters hemming us in on all sides, the scene +prepared for one of those struggles against frightful odds which I had so +graphically related as an essential part of our adventures. + +"Let's roll the cuss in the fancy collar," proposed one of the head- +hunters,--meaning me. + +"I'll stove yer slats if yer touch him," said Grits, and then resorted to +appeal. "I s'y, carn't yer stand back and let a chap 'ave a charnst?" + +The head-hunters only jeered. And what shall be said of the Captain in +this moment of peril? Shall it be told that his heart was beating +wildly?--bumping were a better word. He was trying to remember that he +was the Captain. Otherwise, he must admit with shame that he, too, +should have fled. So much for romance when the test comes. Will he +remain to fall fighting for his ship? Like Horatius, he glanced up at +the hill, where, instead of the porch of the home where he would fain +have been, he beheld a wisp of a girl standing alone, her hat on the back +of her head, her hair flying in the wind, gazing intently down at him in +his danger. The renegade crew was nowhere to be seen. There are those +who demand the presence of a woman in order to be heroes.... + +"Give us a chance, can't you?" he cried, repeating Grits's appeal in not +quite such a stentorian tone as he would have liked, while his hand +trembled on the gunwale. Tom Peters, it must be acknowledged, was much +more of a buccaneer when it was a question of deeds, for he planted +himself in the way of the belligerent chief of the head-hunters (who +spoke with a decided brogue). + +"Get out of the way!" said Tom, with a little squeak in his voice. Yet +there he was, and he deserves a tribute. + +An unlooked-for diversion saved us from annihilation, in the shape of one +who had a talent for creating them. We were bewilderingly aware of a +girlish figure amongst us. + +"You cowards!" she cried. "You cowards!" + +Lithe, and fairly quivering with passion, it was Nancy who showed us how +to face the head-hunters. They gave back. They would have been brave +indeed if they had not retreated before such an intense little nucleus of +energy and indignation!... + +"Ah, give 'em a chanst," said their chief, after a moment.... He even +helped to push the boat towards the water. But he did not volunteer to +be one of those to man the Petrel on her maiden voyage. Nor did Logan's +pond, that wild March day, greatly resemble the South Seas. +Nevertheless, my eye on Nancy, I stepped proudly aboard and seized an +"oar." Grits and Tom followed,--when suddenly the Petrel sank +considerably below the water-line as her builders had estimated it. Ere +we fully realized this, the now friendly head-hunters had given us a +shove, and we were off! The Captain, who should have been waving good- +bye to his lady love from the poop, sat down abruptly,--the crew +likewise; not, however, before she had heeled to the scuppers, and a +half-bucket of iced water had run it. Head-hunters were mere daily +episodes in Grits's existence, but water... He muttered something in +cockney that sounded like a prayer.... The wind was rapidly driving us +toward the middle of the pond, and something cold and ticklish was +seeping through the seats of our trousers. We sat like statues.... + +The bright scene etched itself in my memory--the bare brown slopes with +which the pond was bordered, the Irish shanties, the clothes-lines with +red flannel shirts snapping in the biting wind; Nancy motionless on the +bank; the group behind her, silent now, impressed in spite of itself at +the sight of our intrepidity. + +The Petrel was sailing stern first.... Would any of us, indeed, ever see +home again? I thought of my father's wrath turned to sorrow because he +had refused to gratify a son's natural wish and present him with a real +rowboat.... Out of the corners of our eyes we watched the water creeping +around the gunwale, and the very muddiness of it seemed to enhance its +coldness, to make the horrors of its depths more mysterious and hideous. +The voice of Grits startled us. + +"O Gawd," he was saying, "we're a-going to sink, and I carn't swim! The +blarsted tar's give way back here." + +"Is she leaking?" I cried. + +"She's a-filling up like a bath tub," he lamented. + +Slowly but perceptibly, in truth, the bow was rising, and above the +whistling of the wind I could hear his chattering as she settled.... +Then several things happened simultaneously: an agonized cry behind me, +distant shouts from the shore, a sudden upward lunge of the bow, and the +torture of being submerged, inch by inch, in the icy, yellow water. +Despite the splashing behind me, I sat as though paralyzed until I was +waist deep and the boards turned under me, and then, with a spasmodic +contraction of my whole being I struck out--only to find my feet on the +muddy bottom. Such was the inglorious end of the good ship Petrel! For +she went down, with all hands, in little more than half a fathom of +water.... It was not until then I realized that we had been blown clear +across the pond! + +Figures were running along the shore. And as Tom and I emerged dragging +Grits between us,--for he might have been drowned there abjectly in the +shallows,--we were met by a stout and bare-armed Irishwoman whose scanty +hair, I remember, was drawn into a tight knot behind her head; and who +seized us, all three, as though we were a bunch of carrots. + +"Come along wid ye!" she cried. + +Shivering, we followed her up the hill, the spectators of the tragedy, +who by this time had come around the pond, trailing after. Nancy was not +among them. Inside the shanty into which we were thrust were two small +children crawling about the floor, and the place was filled with steam +from a wash-tub against the wall and a boiler on the stove. With a +vigorous injunction to make themselves scarce, the Irishwoman slammed the +door in the faces of the curious and ordered us to remove our clothes. +Grits was put to bed in a corner, while Tom and I, provided with various +garments, huddled over the stove. There fell to my lot the red flannel +shirt which I had seen on the clothes-line. She gave us hot coffee, and +was back at her wash-tub in no time at all, her entire comment on a +proceeding that seemed to Tom and me to have certain elements of gravity +being, "By's will be by's!" The final ironical touch was given the anti- +climax when our rescuer turned out to be the mother of the chief of the +head-hunters himself! He had lingered perforce with his brothers and +sister outside the cabin until dinner time, and when he came in he was +meek as Moses. + +Thus the ready hospitality of the poor, which passed over the heads of +Tom and me as we ate bread and onions and potatoes with a ravenous +hunger. It must have been about two o'clock in the afternoon when we +bade good-bye to our preserver and departed for home.... + +At first we went at a dog-trot, but presently slowed down to discuss the +future looming portentously ahead of us. Since entire concealment was +now impossible, the question was,--how complete a confession would be +necessary? Our cases, indeed, were dissimilar, and Tom's incentive to +hold back the facts was not nearly so great as mine. It sometimes seemed +to me in those days unjust that the Peterses were able on the whole to +keep out of criminal difficulties, in which I was more or less +continuously involved: for it did not strike me that their sins were not +those of the imagination. The method of Tom's father was the slipper. +He and Tom understood each other, while between my father and myself was +a great gulf fixed. Not that Tom yearned for the slipper; but he +regarded its occasional applications as being as inevitable as changes in +the weather; lying did not come easily to him, and left to himself he +much preferred to confess and have the matter over with. I have already +suggested that I had cultivated lying, that weapon of the weaker party, +in some degree, at least, in self-defence. + +Tom was loyal. Moreover, my conviction would probably deprive him for +six whole afternoons of my company, on which he was more or less +dependent. But the defence of this case presented unusual difficulties, +and we stopped several times to thrash them out. We had been absent from +dinner, and doubtless by this time Julia had informed Tom's mother of the +expedition, and anyone could see that our clothing had been wet. So I +lingered in no little anxiety behind the Peters stable while he made the +investigation. Our spirits rose considerably when he returned to report +that Julia had unexpectedly been a trump, having quieted his mother by +the surmise that he was spending the day with his Aunt Fanny. So far, so +good. The problem now was to decide upon what to admit. For we must +both tell the same story. + +It was agreed that we had fallen into Logan's Pond from a raft: my +suggestion. Well, said Tom, the Petrel hadn't proved much better than a +raft, after all. I was in no mood to defend her. + +This designation of the Petrel as a "raft" was my first legal quibble. +The question to be decided by the court was, What is a raft? just as the +supreme tribunal of the land has been required, in later years, to +decide, What is whiskey? The thing to be concealed if possible was the +building of the "raft," although this information was already in the +possession of a number of persons, whose fathers might at any moment see +fit to congratulate my own on being the parent of a genius. It was a +risk, however, that had to be run. And, secondly, since Grits Jarvis was +contraband, nothing was to be said about him. + +I have not said much about my mother, who might have been likened on such +occasions to a grand jury compelled to indict, yet torn between loyalty +to an oath and sympathy with the defendant. I went through the Peters +yard, climbed the wire fence, my object being to discover first from +Ella, the housemaid, or Hannah, the cook, how much was known in high +quarters. It was Hannah who, as I opened the kitchen door, turned at the +sound, and set down the saucepan she was scouring. + +"Is it home ye are? Mercy to goodness!" (this on beholding my shrunken +costume) "Glory be to God you're not drownded! and your mother worritin' +her heart out! So it's into the wather ye were?" + +I admitted it. + +"Hannah?" I said softly. + +"What then?" + +"Does mother know--about the boat?" + +"Now don't ye be wheedlin'." + +I managed to discover, however, that my mother did not know, and surmised +that the best reason why she had not been told had to do with Hannah's +criminal acquiescence concerning the operations in the shed. I ran into +the front hall and up the stairs, and my mother heard me coming and met +me on the landing. + +"Hugh, where have you been?" + +As I emerged from the semi-darkness of the stairway she caught sight of +my dwindled garments, of the trousers well above my ankles. Suddenly she +had me in her arms and was kissing me passionately. As she stood before +me in her grey, belted skirt, the familiar red-and-white cameo at her +throat, her heavy hair parted in the middle, in her eyes was an odd, +appealing look which I know now was a sign of mother love struggling with +a Presbyterian conscience. Though she inherited that conscience, I have +often thought she might have succeeded in casting it off--or at least +some of it--had it not been for the fact that in spite of herself she +worshipped its incarnation in the shape of my father. Her voice trembled +a little as she drew me to the sofa beside the window. + +"Tell me about what happened, my son," she said. + +It was a terrible moment for me. For my affections were still +quiveringly alive in those days, and I loved her. I had for an instant +an instinctive impulse to tell her the whole story,--South Sea Islands +and all! And I could have done it had I not beheld looming behind her +another figure which represented a stern and unsympathetic Authority, and +somehow made her, suddenly, of small account. Not that she would have +understood the romance, but she would have comprehended me. I knew that +she was powerless to save me from the wrath to come. I wept. It was +because I hated to lie to her,--yet I did so. Fear gripped me, and--like +some respectable criminals I have since known--I understood that any +confession I made would inexorably be used against me.... I wonder +whether she knew I was lying? At any rate, the case appeared to be a +grave one, and I was presently remanded to my room to be held over for +trial.... + +Vividly, as I write, I recall the misery of the hours I have spent, while +awaiting sentence, in the little chamber with the honeysuckle wall-paper +and steel engravings of happy but dumpy children romping in the fields +and groves. On this particular March afternoon the weather had become +morne, as the French say; and I looked down sadly into the grey back yard +which the wind of the morning had strewn with chips from the Petrel. At +last, when shadows were gathering in the corners of the room, I heard +footsteps. Ella appeared, prim and virtuous, yet a little commiserating. +My father wished to see me, downstairs. It was not the first time she +had brought that summons, and always her manner was the same! + +The scene of my trials was always the sitting room, lined with grim books +in their walnut cases. And my father sat, like a judge, behind the big +desk where he did his work when at home. Oh, the distance between us at +such an hour! I entered as delicately as Agag, and the expression in his +eye seemed to convict me before I could open my mouth. + +"Hugh," he said, "your mother tells me that you have confessed to going, +without permission, to Logan's Pond, where you embarked on a raft and +fell into the water." + +The slight emphasis he contrived to put on the word raft sent a colder +shiver down my spine than the iced water had done. What did he know? or +was this mere suspicion? Too late, now, at any rate, to plead guilty. + +"It was a sort of a raft, sir," I stammered. + +"A sort of a raft," repeated my father. "Where, may I ask, did you find +it?" + +"I--I didn't exactly find it, sir." + +"Ah!" said my father. (It was the moment to glance meaningly at the +jury.) The prisoner gulped. "You didn't exactly find it, then. Will you +kindly explain how you came by it?" + +"Well, sir, we--I--put it together." + +"Have you any objection to stating, Hugh, in plain English, that you made +it?" + +"No, sir, I suppose you might say that I made it." + +"Or that it was intended for a row-boat?" + +Here was the time to appeal, to force a decision as to what constituted a +row-boat. + +"Perhaps it might be called a row-boat, sir," I said abjectly. + +"Or that, in direct opposition to my wishes and commands in forbidding +you to have a boat, to spend your money foolishly and wickedly on a whim, +you constructed one secretly in the woodshed, took out a part of the back +partition, thus destroying property that did, not belong to you, and had +the boat carted this morning to Logan's Pond?" +I was silent, utterly undone. Evidently he had specific information.... +There are certain expressions that are, at times, more than mere figures +of speech, and now my father's wrath seemed literally towering. It added +visibly to his stature. + +"Hugh," he said, in a voice that penetrated to the very corners of my +soul, "I utterly fail to understand you. I cannot imagine how a son of +mine, a son of your mother who is the very soul of truthfulness and +honour--can be a liar." (Oh, the terrible emphasis he put on that word!) +"Nor is it as if this were a new tendency--I have punished you for it +before. Your mother and I have tried to do our duty by you, to instil +into you Christian teaching. But it seems wholly useless. I confess +that I am at a less how to proceed. You seem to have no conscience +whatever, no conception of what you owe to your parents and your God. +You not only persistently disregard my wishes and commands, but you have, +for many months, been leading a double life, facing me every day, while +you were secretly and continually disobeying me. I shudder to think +where this determination of yours to have what you desire at any price +will lead you in the future. It is just such a desire that distinguishes +wicked men from good." + +I will not linger upon a scene the very remembrance of which is painful +to this day.... I went from my father's presence in disgrace, in an +agony of spirit that was overwhelming, to lock the door of my room and +drop face downward on the bed, to sob until my muscles twitched. For he +had, indeed, put into me an awful fear. The greatest horror of my boyish +imagination was a wicked man. Was I, as he had declared, utterly +depraved and doomed in spite of myself to be one? + +There came a knock at my door--Ella with my supper. I refused to open, +and sent her away, to fall on my knees in the darkness and pray wildly to +a God whose attributes and character were sufficiently confused in my +mind. On the one hand was the stern, despotic Monarch of the Westminster +Catechism, whom I addressed out of habit, the Father who condemned a +portion of his children from the cradle. Was I one of those who he had +decreed before I was born must suffer the tortures of the flames of hell? +Putting two and two together, what I had learned in Sunday school and +gathered from parts of Dr. Pound's sermons, and the intimation of my +father that wickedness was within me, like an incurable disease,--was not +mine the logical conclusion? What, then, was the use of praying?... My +supplications ceased abruptly. And my ever ready imagination, stirred to +its depths, beheld that awful scene of the last day: the darkness, such +as sometimes creeps over the city in winter, when the jaundiced smoke +falls down and we read at noonday by gas-light. I beheld the tortured +faces of the wicked gathered on the one side, and my mother on the other +amongst the blessed, gazing across the gulf at me with yearning and +compassion. Strange that it did not strike me that the sight of the +condemned whom they had loved in life would have marred if not destroyed +the happiness of the chosen, about to receive their crowns and harps! +What a theology--that made the Creator and Preserver of all mankind thus +illogical! + + + + +III. + +Although I was imaginative, I was not morbidly introspective, and by the +end of the first day of my incarceration my interest in that solution had +waned. At times, however, I actually yearned for someone in whom I could +confide, who could suggest a solution. I repeat, I would not for worlds +have asked my father or my mother or Dr. Pound, of whom I had a wholesome +fear, or perhaps an unwholesome one. Except at morning Bible reading and +at church my parents never mentioned the name of the Deity, save to +instruct me formally. Intended or no, the effect of my religious +training was to make me ashamed of discussing spiritual matters, and +naturally I failed to perceive that this was because it laid its emphasis +on personal salvation.... I did not, however, become an unbeliever, for +I was not of a nature to contemplate with equanimity a godless +universe.... + +My sufferings during these series of afternoon confinements did not come +from remorse, but were the result of a vague sense of injury; and their +effect was to generate within me a strange motive power, a desire to do +something that would astound my father and eventually wring from him the +confession that he had misjudged me. To be sure, I should have to wait +until early manhood, at least, for the accomplishment of such a coup. +Might it not be that I was an embryonic literary genius? Many were the +books I began in this ecstasy of self-vindication, only to abandon them +when my confinement came to an end. + +It was about this time, I think, that I experienced one of those shocks +which have a permanent effect upon character. It was then the custom for +ladies to spend the day with one another, bringing their sewing; and +sometimes, when I unexpectedly entered the sitting-room, the voices of my +mother's visitors would drop to a whisper. One afternoon I returned from +school to pause at the head of the stairs. Cousin Bertha Ewan and Mrs. +McAlery were discussing with my mother an affair that I judged from the +awed tone in which they spoke might prove interesting. + +"Poor Grace," Mrs. McAlery was saying, "I imagine she's paid a heavy +penalty. No man alive will be faithful under those circumstances." + +I stopped at the head of the stairs, with a delicious, guilty feeling. + +"Have they ever heard of her?" Cousin Bertha asked. + +"It is thought they went to Spain," replied Mrs. McAlery, solemnly, yet +not without a certain zest. "Mr. Jules Hollister will not have her name +mentioned in his presence, you know. And Whitcomb chased them as far as +New York with a horse-pistol in his pocket. The report is that he got to +the dock just as the ship sailed. And then, you know, he went to live +somewhere out West,--in Iowa, I believe." + +"Did he ever get a divorce?" Cousin Bertha inquired. + +"He was too good a church member, my dear," my mother reminded her. + +"Well, I'd have got one quick enough, church member or no church member," +declared Cousin Bertha, who had in her elements of daring. + +"Not that I mean for a moment to excuse her," Mrs. McAlery put in, "but +Edward Whitcomb did have a frightful temper, and he was awfully strict +with her, and he was old enough, anyhow, to be her father. Grace +Hollister was the last woman in the world I should have suspected of +doing so hideous a thing. She was so sweet and simple." + +"Jennings was very attractive," said my Cousin Bertha. "I don't think I +ever saw a handsomer man. Now, if he had looked at me--" + +The sentence was never finished, for at this crucial moment I dropped a +grammar.... + +I had heard enough, however, to excite my curiosity to the highest pitch. +And that evening, when I came in at five o'clock to study, I asked my +mother what had become of Gene Hollister's aunt. + +"She went away, Hugh," replied my mother, looking greatly troubled. + +"Why?" I persisted. + +"It is something you are too young to understand." + +Of course I started an investigation, and the next day at school I asked +the question of Gene Hollister himself, only to discover that he believed +his aunt to be dead! And that night he asked his mother if his Aunt +Grace were really alive, after all? Whereupon complications and +explanations ensued between our parents, of which we saw only the surface +signs.... My father accused me of eavesdropping (which I denied), and +sentenced me to an afternoon of solitary confinement for repeating +something which I had heard in private. I have reason to believe that my +mother was also reprimanded. + +It must not be supposed that I permitted the matter to rest. In addition +to Grits Jarvis, there was another contraband among my acquaintances, +namely, Alec Pound, the scrape-grace son of the Reverend Doctor Pound. +Alec had an encyclopaedic mind, especially well stocked with the kind of +knowledge I now desired; first and last he taught me much, which I would +better have got in another way. To him I appealed and got the story, my +worst suspicions being confirmed. Mrs. Whitcomb's house had been across +the alley from that of Mr. Jennings, but no one knew that anything was +"going on," though there had been signals from the windows--the +neighbours afterwards remembered.... + +I listened shudderingly. + +"But," I cried, "they were both married!" + +"What difference does that make when you love a woman?" Alec replied +grandly. "I could tell you much worse things than that." + +This he proceeded to do. Fascinated, I listened with a sickening +sensation. It was a mild afternoon in spring, and we stood in the deep +limestone gutter in front of the parsonage, a little Gothic wooden house +set in a gloomy yard. + +"I thought," said I, "that people couldn't love any more after they were +married, except each other." + +Alec looked at me pityingly. + +"You'll get over that notion," he assured me. + +Thus another ingredient entered my character. Denied its food at home, +good food, my soul eagerly consumed and made part of itself the +fermenting stuff that Alec Pound so willing distributed. And it was +fermenting stuff. Let us see what it did to me. Working slowly but +surely, it changed for me the dawning mystery of sex into an evil instead +of a holy one. The knowledge of the tragedy of Grace Hollister started +me to seeking restlessly, on bookshelves and elsewhere, for a secret that +forever eluded me, and forever led me on. The word fermenting aptly +describes the process begun, suggesting as it does something closed up, +away from air and sunlight, continually working in secret, engendering +forces that fascinated, yet inspired me with fear. Undoubtedly this +secretiveness of our elders was due to the pernicious dualism of their +orthodox Christianity, in which love was carnal and therefore evil, and +the flesh not the gracious soil of the spirit, but something to be +deplored and condemned, exorcised and transformed by the miracle of +grace. Now love had become a terrible power (gripping me) whose +enchantment drove men and women from home and friends and kindred to the +uttermost parts of the earth.... + +It was long before I got to sleep that night after my talk with Alec +Pound. I alternated between the horror and the romance of the story I +had heard, supplying for myself the details he had omitted: I beheld the +signals from the windows, the clandestine meetings, the sudden and +desperate flight. And to think that all this could have happened in our +city not five blocks from where I lay! + +My consternation and horror were concentrated on the man,--and yet I +recall a curious bifurcation. Instead of experiencing that automatic +righteous indignation which my father and mother had felt, which had +animated old Mr. Jules Hollister when he had sternly forbidden his +daughter's name to be mentioned in his presence, which had made these +people outcasts, there welled up within me an intense sympathy and pity. +By an instinctive process somehow linked with other experiences, I seemed +to be able to enter into the feelings of these two outcasts, to +understand the fearful yet fascinating nature of the impulse that had led +them to elude the vigilance and probity of a world with which I myself +was at odds. I pictured them in a remote land, shunned by mankind. Was +there something within me that might eventually draw me to do likewise? +The desire in me to which my father had referred, which would brook no +opposition, which twisted and squirmed until it found its way to its +object? I recalled the words of Jarvis, the carpenter, that if I ever +set my heart on another man's wife, God help him. God help me! + +A wicked man! I had never beheld the handsome and fascinating Mr. +Jennings, but I visualised him now; dark, like all villains, with a black +moustache and snapping black eyes. He carried a cane. I always +associated canes with villains. Whereupon I arose, groped for the +matches, lighted the gas, and gazing at myself in the mirror was a little +reassured to find nothing sinister in my countenance.... + +Next to my father's faith in a Moral Governor of the Universe was his +belief in the Tariff and the Republican Party. And this belief, among +others, he handed on to me. On the cinder playground of the Academy we +Republicans used to wage, during campaigns, pitched battles for the +Tariff. It did not take a great deal of courage to be a Republican in +our city, and I was brought up to believe that Democrats were irrational, +inferior, and--with certain exceptions like the Hollisters--dirty beings. +There was only one degree lower, and that was to be a mugwump. It was no +wonder that the Hollisters were Democrats, for they had a queer streak in +them; owing, no doubt, to the fact that old Mr. Jules Hollister's mother +had been a Frenchwoman. He looked like a Frenchman, by the way, and +always wore a skullcap. + +I remember one autumn afternoon having a violent quarrel with Gene +Hollister that bade fair to end in blows, when he suddenly demanded:-- + +"I'll bet you anything you don't know why you're a Republican." + +"It's because I'm for the Tariff," I replied triumphantly. + +But his next question floored me. What, for example, was the Tariff? I +tried to bluster it out, but with no success. + +"Do you know?" I cried finally, with sudden inspiration. + +It turned out that he did not. + +"Aren't we darned idiots," he asked, "to get fighting over something we +don't know anything about?" + +That was Gene's French blood, of course. But his question rankled. And +how was I to know that he would have got as little satisfaction if he had +hurled it into the marching ranks of those imposing torch-light +processions which sometimes passed our house at night, with drums beating +and fifes screaming and torches waving,--thousands of citizens who were +for the Tariff for the same reason as I: to wit, because they were +Republicans. + +Yet my father lived and died in the firm belief that the United States of +America was a democracy! + +Resolved not to be caught a second time in such a humiliating position by +a Democrat, I asked my father that night what the Tariff was. But I was +too young to understand it, he said. I was to take his word for it that +the country would go to the dogs if the Democrats got in and the Tariff +were taken away. Here, in a nutshell, though neither he nor I realized +it, was the political instruction of the marching hordes. Theirs not to +reason why. I was too young, they too ignorant. Such is the method of +Authority! + +The steel-mills of Mr. Durrett and Mr. Hambleton, he continued, would be +forced to shut down, and thousands of workmen would starve. This was +just a sample of what would happen. Prosperity would cease, he declared. +That word, Prosperity, made a deep impression on me, and I recall the +certain reverential emphasis he laid on it. And while my solicitude for +the workmen was not so great as his and Mr. Durrett's, I was concerned as +to what would happen to us if those twin gods, the Tariff and Prosperity, +should take their departure from the land. Knowing my love for the good +things of the table, my father intimated, with a rare humour I failed to +appreciate, that we should have to live henceforth in spartan simplicity. +After that, like the intelligent workman, I was firmer than ever for the +Tariff. + +Such was the idealistic plane on which--and from a good man--I received +my first political instruction! And for a long time I connected the +dominance of the Republican Party with the continuation of manna and +quails, in other words, with nothing that had to do with the spiritual +welfare of any citizen, but with clothing and food and material comforts. +My education was progressing.... + +Though my father revered Plato and Aristotle, he did not, apparently, +take very seriously the contention that that government alone is good +"which seeks to attain the permanent interests of the governed by +evolving the character of its citizens." To put the matter brutally, +politics, despite the lofty sentiments on the transparencies in +torchlight processions, had only to do with the belly, not the soul. + +Politics and government, one perceives, had nothing to do with religion, +nor education with any of these. A secularized and disjointed world! +Our leading citizens, learned in the classics though some of them might +be, paid no heed to the dictum of the Greek idealist, who was more +practical than they would have supposed. "The man who does not carry his +city within his heart is a spiritual starveling." + +One evening, a year or two after that tariff campaign, I was pretending +to study my lessons under the student lamp in the sitting-room while my +mother sewed and my father wrote at his desk, when there was a ring at +the door-bell. I welcomed any interruption, even though the visitor +proved to be only the druggist's boy; and there was always the +possibility of a telegram announcing, for instance, the death of a +relative. Such had once been the case when my Uncle Avery Paret had died +in New York, and I was taken out of school for a blissful four days for +the funeral. + +I went tiptoeing into the hall and peeped over the banisters while Ella +opened the door. I heard a voice which I recognized as that of Perry +Blackwood's father asking for Mr. Paret; and then to my astonishment, I +saw filing after him into the parlour some ten or twelve persons. With +the exception of Mr. Ogilvy, who belonged to one of our old families, and +Mr. Watling, a lawyer who had married the youngest of Gene Hollister's +aunts, the visitors entered stealthily, after the manner of burglars; +some of these were heavy-jowled, and all had an air of mystery that +raised my curiosity and excitement to the highest pitch. I caught hold +of Ella as she came up the stairs, but she tore herself free, and +announced to my father that Mr. Josiah Blackwood and other gentlemen had +asked to see him. My father seemed puzzled as he went downstairs.... A +long interval elapsed, during which I did not make even a pretence of +looking at my arithmetic. At times the low hum of voices rose to what +was almost an uproar, and on occasions I distinguished a marked Irish +brogue. + +"I wonder what they want?" said my mother, nervously. + +At last we heard the front door shut behind them, and my father came +upstairs, his usually serene face wearing a disturbed expression. + +"Who in the world was it, Mr. Paret?" asked my mother. + +My father sat down in the arm-chair. He was clearly making an effort for +self-control. + +"Blackwood and Ogilvy and Watling and some city politicians," he +exclaimed. + +"Politicians!" she repeated. "What did they want? That is, if it's +anything you can tell me," she added apologetically. + +"They wished me to be the Republican candidate for the mayor of this +city." + +This tremendous news took me off my feet. My father mayor! + +"Of course you didn't consider it, Mr. Paret," my mother was saying. + +"Consider it!" he echoed reprovingly. "I can't imagine what Ogilvy and +Watling and Josiah Blackwood were thinking of! They are out of their +heads. I as much as told them so." + +This was more than I could bear, for I had already pictured myself +telling the news to envious schoolmates. + +"Oh, father, why didn't you take it?" I cried. + +By this time, when he turned to me, he had regained his usual expression. + +"You don't know what you're talking about, Hugh," he said. "Accept a +political office! That sort of thing is left to politicians." + +The tone in which he spoke warned me that a continuation of the +conversation would be unwise, and my mother also understood that the +discussion was closed. He went back to his desk, and began writing again +as though nothing had happened. + +As for me, I was left in a palpitating state of excitement which my +father's self-control or sang-froid only served to irritate and enhance, +and my head was fairly spinning as, covertly, I watched his pen steadily +covering the paper. + +How could he--how could any man of flesh and blood sit down calmly after +having been offered the highest honour in the gift of his community! And +he had spurned it as if Mr. Blackwood and the others had gratuitously +insulted him! And how was it, if my father so revered the Republican +Party that he would not suffer it to be mentioned slightingly in his +presence, that he had refused contemptuously to be its mayor?... + +The next day at school, however, I managed to let it be known that the +offer had been made and declined. After all, this seemed to make my +father a bigger man than if he had accepted it. Naturally I was asked +why he had declined it. + +"He wouldn't take it," I replied scornfully. "Office-holding should be +left to politicians." + +Ralph Hambleton, with his precocious and cynical knowledge of the world, +minimized my triumph by declaring that he would rather be his +grandfather, Nathaniel Durrett, than the mayor of the biggest city in the +country. Politicians, he said, were bloodsuckers and thieves, and the +only reason for holding office was that it enabled one to steal the +taxpayers' money.... + +As I have intimated, my vision of a future literary career waxed and +waned, but a belief that I was going to be Somebody rarely deserted me. +If not a literary lion, what was that Somebody to be? Such an +environment as mine was woefully lacking in heroic figures to satisfy the +romantic soul. In view of the experience I have just related, it is not +surprising that the notion of becoming a statesman did not appeal to me; +nor is it to be wondered at, despite the somewhat exaggerated respect and +awe in which Ralph's grandfather was held by my father and other +influential persons, that I failed to be stirred by the elements of +greatness in the grim personality of our first citizen, the iron-master. +For he possessed such elements. He lived alone in Ingrain Street in an +uncompromising mansion I always associated with the Sabbath, not only +because I used to be taken there on decorous Sunday visits by my father, +but because it was the very quintessence of Presbyterianism. The moment +I entered its "portals"--as Mr. Hawthorne appropriately would have called +them--my spirit was overwhelmed and suffocated by its formality and +orderliness. Within its stern walls Nathaniel Durrett had made a model +universe of his own, such as the Deity of the Westminster Confession had +no doubt meant his greater one to be if man had not rebelled and foiled +him.... It was a world from which I was determined to escape at any +cost. + +My father and I were always ushered into the gloomy library, with its +high ceiling, with its long windows that reached almost to the rococo +cornice, with its cold marble mantelpiece that reminded me of a +tombstone, with its interminable book shelves filled with yellow +bindings. On the centre table, in addition to a ponderous Bible, was one +of those old-fashioned carafes of red glass tipped with blue surmounted +by a tumbler of blue tipped with red. Behind this table Mr. Durrett sat +reading a volume of sermons, a really handsome old man in his black tie +and pleated shirt; tall and spare, straight as a ramrod, with a finely +moulded head and straight nose and sinewy hands the colour of mulberry +stain. He called my father by his first name, an immense compliment, +considering how few dared to do so. + +"Well, Matthew," the old man would remark, after they had discussed Dr. +Pound's latest flight on the nature of the Trinity or the depravity of +man, or horticulture, or the Republican Party, "do you have any better +news of Hugh at school?" + +"I regret to say, Mr. Durrett," my father would reply, "that he does not +yet seem to be aroused to a sense of his opportunities." + +Whereupon Mr. Durrett would gimble me with a blue eye that lurked beneath +grizzled brows, quite as painful a proceeding as if he used an iron tool. +I almost pity myself when I think of what a forlorn stranger I was in +their company. They two, indeed, were of one kind, and I of another sort +who could never understand them,--nor they me. To what depths of despair +they reduced me they never knew, and yet they were doing it all for my +good! They only managed to convince me that my love of folly was +ineradicable, and that I was on my way head first for perdition. I +always looked, during these excruciating and personal moments, at the +coloured glass bottle. + +"It grieves me to hear it, Hugh," Mr. Durrett invariably declared. +"You'll never come to any good without study. Now when I was your +age..." + +I knew his history by heart, a common one in this country, although he +made an honourable name instead of a dishonourable one. And when I +contrast him with those of his successors whom I was to know later...! +But I shall not anticipate. American genius had not then evolved the +false entry method of overcapitalization. A thrilling history, Mr. +Durrett's, could I but have entered into it. I did not reflect then that +this stern old man must have throbbed once; nay, fire and energy still +remained in his bowels, else he could not have continued to dominate a +city. Nor did it occur to me that the great steel-works that lighted the +southern sky were the result of a passion, of dreams similar to those +possessing me, but which I could not express. He had founded a family +whose position was virtually hereditary, gained riches which for those +days were great, compelled men to speak his name with a certain awe. But +of what use were such riches as his when his religion and morality +compelled him to banish from him all the joys in the power of riches to +bring? + +No, I didn't want to be an iron-master. But it may have been about this +time that I began to be impressed with the power of wealth, the adulation +and reverence it commanded, the importance in which it clothed all who +shared in it.... + +The private school I attended in the company of other boys with whom I +was brought up was called Densmore Academy, a large, square building of a +then hideous modernity, built of smooth, orange-red bricks with threads +of black mortar between them. One reads of happy school days, yet I fail +to recall any really happy hours spent there, even in the yard, which was +covered with black cinders that cut you when you fell. I think of it as +a penitentiary, and the memory of the barred lower windows gives +substance to this impression. + +I suppose I learned something during the seven years of my incarceration. +All of value, had its teachers known anything of youthful psychology, of +natural bent, could have been put into me in three. At least four +criminally wasted years, to say nothing of the benumbing and desiccating +effect of that old system of education! Chalk and chalk-dust! The +Mediterranean a tinted portion of the map, Italy a man's boot which I +drew painfully, with many yawns; history no glorious epic revealing as it +unrolls the Meaning of Things, no revelation of that wondrous +distillation of the Spirit of man, but an endless marching and counter- +marching up and down the map, weary columns of figures to be learned by +rote instantly to be forgotten again. "On June the 7th General So-and-so +proceeded with his whole army--" where? What does it matter? One little +chapter of Carlyle, illuminated by a teacher of understanding, were worth +a million such text-books. Alas, for the hatred of Virgil! "Paret" (a +shiver), "begin at the one hundred and thirtieth line and translate!" I +can hear myself droning out in detestable English a meaningless portion +of that endless journey of the pious AEneas; can see Gene Hollister, with +heart-rending glances of despair, stumbling through Cornelius Nepos in an +unventilated room with chalk-rubbed blackboards and heavy odours of ink +and stale lunch. And I graduated from Densmore Academy, the best school +in our city, in the 80's, without having been taught even the rudiments +of citizenship. + +Knowledge was presented to us as a corpse, which bit by bit we painfully +dissected. We never glimpsed the living, growing thing, never +experienced the Spirit, the same spirit that was able magically to waft +me from a wintry Lyme Street to the South Seas, the energizing, +electrifying Spirit of true achievement, of life, of God himself. Little +by little its flames were smothered until in manhood there seemed no +spark of it left alive. Many years were to pass ere it was to revive +again, as by a miracle. I travelled. Awakening at dawn, I saw, framed +in a port-hole, rose-red Seriphos set in a living blue that paled the +sapphire; the seas Ulysses had sailed, and the company of the Argonauts. +My soul was steeped in unimagined colour, and in the memory of one +rapturous instant is gathered what I was soon to see of Greece, is +focussed the meaning of history, poetry and art. I was to stand one +evening in spring on the mound where heroes sleep and gaze upon the plain +of Marathon between darkening mountains and the blue thread of the strait +peaceful now, flushed with pink and white blossoms of fruit and almond +trees; to sit on the cliff-throne whence a Persian King had looked down +upon a Salamis fought and lost.... In that port-hole glimpse a +Themistocles was revealed, a Socrates, a Homer and a Phidias, an +AEschylus, and a Pericles; yes, and a John brooding Revelations on his +sea-girt rock as twilight falls over the waters.... + +I saw the Roman Empire, that Scarlet Woman whose sands were dyed crimson +with blood to appease her harlotry, whose ships were laden with treasures +from the immutable East, grain from the valley of the Nile, spices from +Arabia, precious purple stuffs from Tyre, tribute and spoil, slaves and +jewels from conquered nations she absorbed; and yet whose very emperors +were the unconscious instruments of a Progress they wot not of, preserved +to the West by Marathon and Salamis. With Caesar's legions its message +went forth across Hispania to the cliffs of the wild western ocean, +through Hercynian forests to tribes that dwelt where great rivers roll up +their bars by misty, northern seas, and even to Celtic fastnesses beyond +the Wall.... + + + + +IV. + +In and out of my early memories like a dancing ray of sunlight flits the +spirit of Nancy. I was always fond of her, but in extreme youth I +accepted her incense with masculine complacency and took her allegiance +for granted, never seeking to fathom the nature of the spell I exercised +over her. Naturally other children teased me about her; but what was +worse, with that charming lack of self-consciousness and consideration +for what in after life are called the finer feelings, they teased her +about me before me, my presence deterring them not at all. I can see +them hopping around her in the Peters yard crying out:-- + +"Nancy's in love with Hugh! Nancy's in love with Hugh!" + +A sufficiently thrilling pastime, this, for Nancy could take care of +herself. I was a bungler beside her when it came to retaliation, and not +the least of her attractions for me was her capacity for anger: fury +would be a better term. She would fly at them--even as she flew at the +head-hunters when the Petrel was menaced; and she could run like a deer. +Woe to the unfortunate victim she overtook! Masculine strength, +exercised apologetically, availed but little, and I have seen Russell +Peters and Gene Hollister retire from such encounters humiliated and +weeping. She never caught Ralph; his methods of torture were more +intelligent and subtle than Gene's and Russell's, but she was his equal +when it came to a question of tongues. + +"I know what's the matter with you, Ralph Hambleton," she would say. +"You're jealous." An accusation that invariably put him on the +defensive. "You think all the girls are in love with you, don't you?" + +These scenes I found somewhat embarrassing. Not so Nancy. After +discomfiting her tormenters, or wounding and scattering them, she would +return to my side.... In spite of her frankly expressed preference for +me she had an elusiveness that made a continual appeal to my imagination. +She was never obvious or commonplace, and long before I began to +experience the discomforts and sufferings of youthful love I was +fascinated by a nature eloquent with contradictions and inconsistencies. +She was a tomboy, yet her own sex was enhanced rather than overwhelmed by +contact with the other: and no matter how many trees she climbed she +never seemed to lose her daintiness. It was innate. + +She could, at times, be surprisingly demure. These impressions of her +daintiness and demureness are particularly vivid in a picture my memory +has retained of our walking together, unattended, to Susan Blackwood's +birthday party. She must have been about twelve years old. It was the +first time I had escorted her or any other girl to a party; Mrs. Willett +had smiled over the proceeding, but Nancy and I took it most seriously, +as symbolic of things to come. I can see Powell Street, where Nancy +lived, at four o'clock on a mild and cloudy December afternoon, the +decorous, retiring houses, Nancy on one side of the pavement by the iron +fences and I on the other by the tree boxes. I can't remember her dress, +only the exquisite sense of her slimness and daintiness comes back to me, +of her dark hair in a long braid tied with a red ribbon, of her slender +legs clad in black stockings of shining silk. We felt the occasion to be +somehow too significant, too eloquent for words.... + +In silence we climbed the flight of stone steps that led up to the +Blackwood mansion, when suddenly the door was opened, letting out sounds +of music and revelry. Mr. Blackwood's coloured butler, Ned, beamed at us +hospitably, inviting us to enter the brightness within. The shades were +drawn, the carpets were covered with festal canvas, the folding doors +between the square rooms were flung back, the prisms of the big +chandeliers flung their light over animated groups of matrons and +children. Mrs. Watling, the mother of the Watling twins--too young to be +present was directing with vivacity the game of "King William was King +James's son," and Mrs. McAlery was playing the piano. + + "Now choose you East, now choose you West, + Now choose the one you love the best!" + +Tom Peters, in a velvet suit and consequently very miserable, refused to +embrace Ethel Hollister; while the scornful Julia lurked in a corner: +nothing would induce her to enter such a foolish game. I experienced a +novel discomfiture when Ralph kissed Nancy.... Afterwards came the +feast, from which Ham Durrett, in a pink paper cap with streamers, was at +length forcibly removed by his mother. Thus early did he betray his love +for the flesh pots.... + +It was not until I was sixteen that a player came and touched the keys of +my soul, and it awoke, bewildered, at these first tender notes. The +music quickened, tripping in ecstasy, to change by subtle phrases into +themes of exquisite suffering hitherto unexperienced. I knew that I +loved Nancy. + +With the advent of longer dresses that reached to her shoe tops a change +had come over her. The tomboy, the willing camp-follower who loved me +and was unashamed, were gone forever, and a mysterious, transfigured +being, neither girl nor woman, had magically been evolved. Could it be +possible that she loved me still? My complacency had vanished; suddenly +I had become the aggressor, if only I had known how to "aggress"; but in +her presence I was seized by an accursed shyness that paralyzed my +tongue, and the things I had planned to say were left unuttered. It was +something--though I did not realize it--to be able to feel like that. + +The time came when I could no longer keep this thing to myself. The need +of an outlet, of a confidant, became imperative, and I sought out Tom +Peters. It was in February; I remember because I had ventured--with +incredible daring--to send Nancy an elaborate, rosy Valentine; written on +the back of it in a handwriting all too thinly disguised was the +following verse, the triumphant result of much hard thinking in school +hours:-- + + Should you of this the sender guess + Without another sign, + Would you repent, and rest content + To be his Valentine + +I grew hot and cold by turns when I thought of its possible effects on my +chances. + +One of those useless, slushy afternoons, I took Tom for a walk that led +us, as dusk came on, past Nancy's house. Only by painful degrees did I +succeed in overcoming my bashfulness; but Tom, when at last I had blurted +out the secret, was most sympathetic, although the ailment from which I +suffered was as yet outside of the realm of his experience. I have used +the word "ailment" advisedly, since he evidently put my trouble in the +same category with diphtheria or scarlet fever, remarking that it was +"darned hard luck." In vain I sought to explain that I did not regard it +as such in the least; there was suffering, I admitted, but a degree of +bliss none could comprehend who had not felt it. He refused to be +envious, or at least to betray envy; yet he was curious, asking many +questions, and I had reason to think before we parted that his admiration +for me was increased. Was it possible that he, too, didn't love Nancy? +No, it was funny, but he didn't. He failed to see much in girls: his +tone remained commiserating, yet he began to take an interest in the +progress of my suit. + +For a time I had no progress to report. Out of consideration for those +members of our weekly dancing class whose parents were Episcopalians the +meetings were discontinued during Lent, and to call would have demanded a +courage not in me; I should have become an object of ridicule among my +friends and I would have died rather than face Nancy's mother and the +members of her household. I set about making ingenious plans with a view +to encounters that might appear casual. Nancy's school was dismissed at +two, so was mine. By walking fast I could reach Salisbury Street, near +St. Mary's Seminary for Young Ladies, in time to catch her, but even then +for many days I was doomed to disappointment. She was either in company +with other girls, or else she had taken another route; this I surmised +led past Sophy McAlery's house, and I enlisted Tom as a confederate. He +was to make straight for the McAlery's on Elm while I followed Powell, +two short blocks away, and if Nancy went to Sophy's and left there alone +he was to announce the fact by a preconcerted signal. Through long and +persistent practice he had acquired a whistle shrill enough to wake the +dead, accomplished by placing a finger of each hand between his teeth;--a +gift that was the envy of his acquaintances, and the subject of much +discussion as to whether his teeth were peculiar. Tom insisted that they +were; it was an added distinction. + +On this occasion he came up behind Nancy as she was leaving Sophy's gate +and immediately sounded the alarm. She leaped in the air, dropped her +school-books and whirled on him. + +"Tom Peters! How dare you frighten me so!" she cried. + +Tom regarded her in sudden dismay. + +"I--I didn't mean to," he said. "I didn't think you were so near." + +"But you must have seen me." + +"I wasn't paying much attention," he equivocated,--a remark not +calculated to appease her anger. + +"Why were you doing it?" + +"I was just practising," said Tom. + +"Practising!" exclaimed Nancy, scornfully. "I shouldn't think you needed +to practise that any more." + +"Oh, I've done it louder," he declared, "Listen!" + +She seized his hands, snatching them away from his lips. At this +critical moment I appeared around the corner considerably out of breath, +my heart beating like a watchman's rattle. I tried to feign nonchalance. + +"Hello, Tom," I said. "Hello, Nancy. What's the matter?" + +"It's Tom--he frightened me out of my senses." Dropping his wrists, she +gave me a most disconcerting look; there was in it the suspicion of a +smile. "What are you doing here, Hugh?" + +"I heard Tom," I explained. + +"I should think you might have. Where were you?" + +"Over in another street," I answered, with deliberate vagueness. Nancy +had suddenly become demure. I did not dare look at her, but I had a most +uncomfortable notion that she suspected the plot. Meanwhile we had begun +to walk along, all three of us, Tom, obviously ill at ease and +discomfited, lagging a little behind. Just before we reached the corner +I managed to kick him. His departure was by no means graceful. + +"I've got to go;" he announced abruptly, and turned down the side street. +We watched his sturdy figure as it receded. + +"Well, of all queer boys!" said Nancy, and we walked on again. + +"He's my best friend," I replied warmly. + +"He doesn't seem to care much for your company," said Nancy. + +"Oh, they have dinner at half past two," I explained. + +"Aren't you afraid of missing yours, Hugh?" she asked wickedly. + +"I've got time. I'd--I'd rather be with you." After making which +audacious remark I was seized by a spasm of apprehension. But nothing +happened. Nancy remained demure. She didn't remind me that I had +reflected upon Tom. + +"That's nice of you, Hugh." + +"Oh, I'm not saying it because it's nice," I faltered. "I'd rather be +with you than--with anybody." + +This was indeed the acme of daring. I couldn't believe I had actually +said it. But again I received no rebuke; instead came a remark that set +me palpitating, that I treasured for many weeks to come. + +"I got a very nice valentine," she informed me. + +"What was it like?" I asked thickly. + +"Oh, beautiful! All pink lace and--and Cupids, and the picture of a young +man and a young woman in a garden." + +"Was that all?" + +"Oh, no, there was a verse, in the oddest handwriting. I wonder who sent +it?" + +"Perhaps Ralph," I hazarded ecstatically. + +"Ralph couldn't write poetry," she replied disdainfully. "Besides, it +was very good poetry." + +I suggested other possible authors and admirers. She rejected them all. +We reached her gate, and I lingered. As she looked down at me from the +stone steps her eyes shone with a soft light that filled me with +radiance, and into her voice had come a questioning, shy note that +thrilled the more because it revealed a new Nancy of whom I had not +dreamed. + +"Perhaps I'll meet you again--coming from school," I said. + +"Perhaps," she answered. "You'll be late to dinner, Hugh, if you don't +go...." + +I was late, and unable to eat much dinner, somewhat to my mother's alarm. +Love had taken away my appetite.... After dinner, when I was wandering +aimlessly about the yard, Tom appeared on the other side of the fence. + +"Don't ever ask me to do that again," he said gloomily. + +I did meet Nancy again coming from school, not every day, but nearly +every day. At first we pretended that there was no arrangement in this, +and we both feigned surprise when we encountered one another. It was +Nancy who possessed the courage that I lacked. One afternoon she said:-- + +"I think I'd better walk with the girls to-morrow, Hugh." + +I protested, but she was firm. And after that it was an understood thing +that on certain days I should go directly home, feeling like an exile. +Sophy McAlery had begun to complain: and I gathered that Sophy was +Nancy's confidante. The other girls had begun to gossip. It was Nancy +who conceived the brilliant idea--the more delightful because she said +nothing about it to me--of making use of Sophy. She would leave school +with Sophy, and I waited on the corner near the McAlery house. Poor +Sophy! She was always of those who piped while others danced. In those +days she had two straw-coloured pigtails, and her plain, faithful face is +before me as I write. She never betrayed to me the excitement that +filled her at being the accomplice of our romance. + +Gossip raged, of course. Far from being disturbed, we used it, so to +speak, as a handle for our love-making, which was carried on in an +inferential rather than a direct fashion. Were they saying that we were +lovers? Delightful! We laughed at one another in the sunshine.... At +last we achieved the great adventure of a clandestine meeting and went +for a walk in the afternoon, avoiding the houses of our friends. I've +forgotten which of us had the boldness to propose it. The crocuses and +tulips had broken the black mould, the flower beds in the front yards +were beginning to blaze with scarlet and yellow, the lawns had turned a +living green. What did we talk about? The substance has vanished, only +the flavour remains. + +One awoke of a morning to the twittering of birds, to walk to school +amidst delicate, lace-like shadows of great trees acloud with old gold: +the buds lay curled like tiny feathers on the pavements. Suddenly the +shade was dense, the sunlight white and glaring, the odour of lilacs +heavy in the air, spring in all its fulness had come,--spring and Nancy. +Just so subtly, yet with the same seeming suddenness had budded and come +to leaf and flower a perfect understanding, which nevertheless remained +undefined. This, I had no doubt, was my fault, and due to the +incomprehensible shyness her presence continued to inspire. Although we +did not altogether abandon our secret trysts, we began to meet in more +natural ways; there were garden parties and picnics where we strayed +together through the woods and fields, pausing to tear off, one by one, +the petals of a daisy, "She loves me, she loves me not." I never +ventured to kiss her; I always thought afterwards I might have done so, +she had seemed so willing, her eyes had shone so expectantly as I sat +beside her on the grass; nor can I tell why I desired to kiss her save +that this was the traditional thing to do to the lady one loved. To be +sure, the very touch of her hand was galvanic. Paradoxically, I saw the +human side of her, the yielding gentleness that always amazed me, yet I +never overcame my awe of the divine; she was a being sacrosanct. Whether +this idealism were innate or the result of such romances as I had read I +cannot say.... I got, indeed, an avowal of a sort. The weekly dancing +classes having begun again, on one occasion when she had waltzed twice +with Gene Hollister I protested. + +"Don't be silly, Hugh," she whispered. "Of course I like you better than +anyone else--you ought to know that." + +We never got to the word "love," but we knew the feeling. + +One cloud alone flung its shadow across these idyllic days. Before I was +fully aware of it I had drawn very near to the first great junction-point +of my life, my graduation from Densmore Academy. We were to "change +cars," in the language of Principal Haime. Well enough for the fortunate +ones who were to continue the academic journey, which implied a +postponement of the serious business of life; but month after month of +the last term had passed without a hint from my father that I was to +change cars. Again and again I almost succeeded in screwing up my +courage to the point of mentioning college to him,--never quite; his +manner, though kind and calm, somehow strengthened my suspicion that I +had been judged and found wanting, and doomed to "business": galley +slavery, I deemed it, humdrum, prosaic, degrading! When I thought of it +at night I experienced almost a frenzy of self-pity. My father couldn't +intend to do that, just because my monthly reports hadn't always been +what he thought they ought to be! Gene Hollister's were no better, if as +good, and he was going to Princeton. Was I, Hugh Paret, to be denied the +distinction of being a college man, the delights of university existence, +cruelly separated and set apart from my friends whom I loved! held up to +the world and especially to Nancy Willett as good for nothing else! The +thought was unbearable. Characteristically, I hoped against hope. + +I have mentioned garden parties. One of our annual institutions was Mrs. +Willett's children's party in May; for the Willett house had a garden +that covered almost a quarter of a block. Mrs. Willett loved children, +the greatest regret of her life being that providence had denied her a +large family. As far back as my memory goes she had been something of an +invalid; she had a sweet, sad face, and delicate hands so thin as to seem +almost transparent; and she always sat in a chair under the great tree on +the lawn, smiling at us as we soared to dizzy heights in the swing, or +played croquet, or scurried through the paths, and in and out of the +latticed summer-house with shrieks of laughter and terror. It all ended +with a feast at a long table made of sawhorses and boards covered with a +white cloth, and when the cake was cut there was wild excitement as to +who would get the ring and who the thimble. + +We were more decorous, or rather more awkward now, and the party began +with a formal period when the boys gathered in a group and pretended +indifference to the girls. The girls were cleverer at it, and actually +achieved the impression that they were indifferent. We kept an eye on +them, uneasily, while we talked. To be in Nancy's presence and not alone +with Nancy was agonizing, and I wondered at a sang-froid beyond my power +to achieve, accused her of coldness, my sufferings being the greater +because she seemed more beautiful, daintier, more irreproachable than I +had ever seen her. Even at that early age she gave evidence of the +social gift, and it was due to her efforts that we forgot our best +clothes and our newly born self-consciousness. When I begged her to slip +away with me among the currant bushes she whispered:-- +"I can't, Hugh. I'm the hostess, you know." + +I had gone there in a flutter of anticipation, but nothing went right +that day. There was dancing in the big rooms that looked out on the +garden; the only girl with whom I cared to dance was Nancy, and she was +busy finding partners for the backward members of both sexes; though she +was my partner, to be sure, when it all wound up with a Virginia reel on +the lawn. Then, at supper, to cap the climax of untoward incidents, an +animated discussion was begun as to the relative merits of the various +colleges, the girls, too, taking sides. Mac Willett, Nancy's cousin, was +going to Yale, Gene Hollister to Princeton, the Ewan boys to our State +University, while Perry Blackwood and Ralph Hambleton and Ham Durrett +were destined for Harvard; Tom Peters, also, though he was not to +graduate from the Academy for another year. I might have known that +Ralph would have suspected my misery. He sat triumphantly next to Nancy +herself, while I had been told off to entertain the faithful Sophy. +Noticing my silence, he demanded wickedly:-- + +"Where are you going, Hugh?" + +"Harvard, I think," I answered with as bold a front as I could muster. +"I haven't talked it over with my father yet." It was intolerable to +admit that I of them all was to be left behind. + +Nancy looked at me in surprise. She was always downright. + +"Oh, Hugh, doesn't your father mean to put you in business?" she +exclaimed. + +A hot flush spread over my face. Even to her I had not betrayed my +apprehensions on this painful subject. Perhaps it was because of this +very reason, knowing me as she did, that she had divined my fate. Could +my father have spoken of it to anyone? + +"Not that I know of," I said angrily. I wondered if she knew how deeply +she had hurt me. The others laughed. The colour rose in Nancy's cheeks, +and she gave me an appealing, almost tearful look, but my heart had +hardened. As soon as supper was over I left the table to wander, nursing +my wrongs, in a far corner of the garden, gay shouts and laughter still +echoing in my ears. I was negligible, even my pathetic subterfuge had +been detected and cruelly ridiculed by these friends whom I had always +loved and sought out, and who now were so absorbed in their own prospects +and happiness that they cared nothing for mine. And Nancy! I had been +betrayed by Nancy!... Twilight was coming on. I remember glancing down +miserably at the new blue suit I had put on so hopefully for the first +time that afternoon. + +Separating the garden from the street was a high, smooth board fence with +a little gate in it, and I had my hand on the latch when I heard the +sound of hurrying steps on the gravel path and a familiar voice calling +my name. + +"Hugh! Hugh!" + +I turned. Nancy stood before me. + +"Hugh, you're not going!" + +"Yes, I am." + +"Why?" + +"If you don't know, there's no use telling you." + +"Just because I said your father intended to put you in business! Oh, +Hugh, why are you so foolish and so proud? Do you suppose that anyone-- +that I--think any the worse of you?" + +Yes, she had read me, she alone had entered into the source of that +prevarication, the complex feelings from which it sprang. But at that +moment I could not forgive her for humiliating me. I hugged my +grievance. + +"It was true, what I said," I declared hotly. "My father has not spoken. +It is true that I'm going to college, because I'll make it true. I may +not go this year." + +She stood staring in sheer surprise at sight of my sudden, quivering +passion. I think the very intensity of it frightened her. And then, +without more ado, I opened the gate and was gone.... + +That night, though I did not realize it, my journey into a Far Country +was begun. + +The misery that followed this incident had one compensating factor. +Although too late to electrify Densmore and Principal Haime with my +scholarship, I was determined to go to college now, somehow, sometime. I +would show my father, these companions of mine, and above all Nancy +herself the stuff of which I was made, compel them sooner or later to +admit that they had misjudged me. I had been possessed by similar +resolutions before, though none so strong, and they had a way of sinking +below the surface of my consciousness, only to rise again and again until +by sheer pressure they achieved realization. + +Yet I might have returned to Nancy if something had not occurred which I +would have thought unbelievable: she began to show a marked preference +for Ralph Hambleton. At first I regarded this affair as the most obvious +of retaliations. She, likewise, had pride. Gradually, however, a +feeling of uneasiness crept over me: as pretence, her performance was +altogether too realistic; she threw her whole soul into it, danced with +Ralph as often as she had ever danced with me, took walks with him, +deferred to his opinions until, in spite of myself, I became convinced +that the preference was genuine. I was a curious mixture of self- +confidence and self-depreciation, and never had his superiority seemed +more patent than now. His air of satisfaction was maddening. + +How well I remember his triumph on that hot, June morning of our +graduation from Densmore, a triumph he had apparently achieved without +labour, and which he seemed to despise. A fitful breeze blew through the +chapel at the top of the building; we, the graduates, sat in two rows +next to the platform, and behind us the wooden benches nicked by many +knives--were filled with sisters and mothers and fathers, some anxious, +some proud and some sad. So brief a span, like that summer's day, and +youth was gone! Would the time come when we, too, should sit by the +waters of Babylon and sigh for it? The world was upside down. + +We read the one hundred and third psalm. Then Principal Haime, in his +long "Prince Albert" and a ridiculously inadequate collar that emphasized +his scrawny neck, reminded us of the sacred associations we had formed, +of the peculiar responsibilities that rested on us, who were the +privileged of the city. "We had crossed to-day," he said, "an invisible +threshold. Some were to go on to higher institutions of learning. +Others..." I gulped. Quoting the Scriptures, he complimented those who +had made the most of their opportunities. And it was then that he called +out, impressively, the name of Ralph Forrester Hambleton. Summa cum +laude! Suddenly I was seized with passionate, vehement regrets at the +sound of the applause. I might have been the prize scholar, instead of +Ralph, if I had only worked, if I had only realized what this focussing +day of graduation meant! I might have been a marked individual, with +people murmuring words of admiration, of speculation concerning the +brilliancy of my future!... When at last my name was called and I rose +to receive my diploma it seemed as though my incompetency had been +proclaimed to the world... + +That evening I stood in the narrow gallery of the flag-decked gymnasium +and watched Nancy dancing with Ralph. + +I let her go without protest or reproach. A mysterious lesion seemed to +have taken place, I felt astonished and relieved, yet I was heavy with +sadness. My emancipation had been bought at a price. Something hitherto +spontaneous, warm and living was withering within me. + + + + +V. + +It was true to my father's character that he should have waited until the +day after graduation to discuss my future, if discussion be the proper +word. The next evening at supper he informed me that he wished to talk +to me in the sitting-room, whither I followed him with a sinking heart. +He seated himself at his desk, and sat for a moment gazing at me with a +curious and benumbing expression, and then the blow fell. + +"Hugh, I have spoken to your Cousin Robert Breck about you, and he has +kindly consented to give you a trial." + +"To give me a trial, sir!" I exclaimed. + +"To employ you at a small but reasonable salary." + +I could find no words to express my dismay. My dreams had come to this, +that I was to be made a clerk in a grocery store! The fact that it was a +wholesale grocery store was little consolation. + +"But father," I faltered, "I don't want to go into business." + +"Ah!" The sharpness of the exclamation might have betrayed to me the +pain in which he was, but he recovered himself instantly. And I could +see nothing but an inexorable justice closing in on me mechanically; a +blind justice, in its inability to read my soul. "The time to have +decided that," he declared, "was some years ago, my son. I have given +you the best schooling a boy can have, and you have not shown the least +appreciation of your advantages. I do not enjoy saying this, Hugh, but +in spite of all my efforts and of those of your mother, you have remained +undeveloped and irresponsible. My hope, as you know, was to have made +you a professional man, a lawyer, and to take you into my office. My +father and grandfather were professional men before me. But you are +wholly lacking in ambition." + +And I had burned with it all my life! + +"I have ambition," I cried, the tears forcing themselves to my eyes. + +"Ambition--for what, my son?" + +I hesitated. How could I tell him that my longings to do something, to +be somebody in the world were never more keen than at that moment? +Matthew Arnold had not then written his definition of God as the stream +of tendency by which we fulfil the laws of our being; and my father, at +any rate, would not have acquiesced in the definition. Dimly but +passionately I felt then, as I had always felt, that I had a mission to +perform, a service to do which ultimately would be revealed to me. But +the hopelessness of explaining this took on, now, the proportions of a +tragedy. And I could only gaze at him. + +"What kind of ambition, Hugh?" he repeated sadly. + +"I--I have sometimes thought I could write, sir, if I had a chance. I +like it better than anything else. I--I have tried it. And if I could +only go to college--" + +"Literature!" There was in his voice a scandalized note. + +"Why not, father?" I asked weakly. + +And now it was he who, for the first time, seemed to be at a loss to +express himself. He turned in his chair, and with a sweep of the hand +indicated the long rows of musty-backed volumes. "Here," he said, "you +have had at your disposal as well-assorted a small library as the city +contains, and you have not availed yourself of it. Yet you talk to me of +literature as a profession. I am afraid, Hugh, that this is merely +another indication of your desire to shun hard work, and I must tell you +frankly that I fail to see in you the least qualification for such a +career. You have not even inherited my taste for books. I venture to +say, for instance, that you have never even read a paragraph of Plutarch, +and yet when I was your age I was completely familiar with the Lives. +You will not read Scott or Dickens." + +The impeachment was not to be denied, for the classics were hateful to +me. Naturally I was afraid to make such a damning admission. My father +had succeeded in presenting my ambition as the height of absurdity and +presumption, and with something of the despair of a shipwrecked mariner +my eyes rested on the green expanses of those book-backs, Bohn's Standard +Library! Nor did it occur to him or to me that one might be great in +literature without having read so much as a gritty page of them.... + +He finished his argument by reminding me that worthless persons sought to +enter the arts in the search for a fool's paradise, and in order to +satisfy a reprehensible craving for notoriety. The implication was +clear, that imaginative production could not be classed as hard work. +And he assured me that literature was a profession in which no one could +afford to be second class. A Longfellow, a Harriet Beecher Stowe, or +nothing. This was a practical age and a practical country. We had +indeed produced Irvings and Hawthornes, but the future of American +letters was, to say the least, problematical. We were a utilitarian +people who would never create a great literature, and he reminded me that +the days of the romantic and the picturesque had passed. He gathered +that I desired to be a novelist. Well, novelists, with certain +exceptions, were fantastic fellows who blew iridescent soap-bubbles and +who had no morals. In the face of such a philosophy as his I was mute. +The world appeared a dreary place of musty offices and smoky steel-works, +of coal dust, of labour without a spark of inspiration. And that other, +the world of my dreams, simply did not exist. + +Incidentally my father had condemned Cousin Robert's wholesale grocery +business as a refuge of the lesser of intellect that could not achieve +the professions,--an inference not calculated to stir my ambition and +liking for it at the start. + +I began my business career on the following Monday morning. At +breakfast, held earlier than usual on my account, my mother's sympathy +was the more eloquent for being unspoken, while my father wore an air of +unwonted cheerfulness; charging me, when I departed, to give his kindest +remembrances to my Cousin Robert Breck. With a sense of martyrdom +somehow deepened by this attitude of my parents I boarded a horse-car and +went down town. Early though it was, the narrow streets of the wholesale +district reverberated with the rattle of trucks and echoed with the +shouts of drivers. The day promised to be scorching. At the door of the +warehouse of Breck and Company I was greeted by the ineffable smell of +groceries in which the suggestion of parched coffee prevailed. This is +the sharpest remembrance of all, and even to-day that odour affects me +somewhat in the manner that the interior of a ship affects a person prone +to seasickness. My Cousin Robert, in his well-worn alpaca coat, was +already seated at his desk behind the clouded glass partition next the +alley at the back of the store, and as I entered he gazed at me over his +steel-rimmed spectacles with that same disturbing look of clairvoyance I +have already mentioned as one of his characteristics. The grey eyes were +quizzical, and yet seemed to express a little commiseration. + +"Well, Hugh, you've decided to honour us, have you?" he asked. + +"I'm much obliged for giving me the place, Cousin Robert," I replied. + +But he had no use for that sort of politeness, and he saw through me, as +always. + +"So you're not too tony for the grocery business, eh?" + +"Oh, no, sir." + +"It was good enough for old Benjamin Breck," he said. "Well, I'll give +you a fair trial, my boy, and no favouritism on account of relationship, +any more than to Willie." + +His strong voice resounded through the store, and presently my cousin +Willie appeared in answer to his summons, the same Willie who used to +lead me, on mischief bent, through the barns and woods and fields of +Claremore. He was barefoot no longer, though freckled still, grown lanky +and tall; he wore a coarse blue apron that fell below his knees, and a +pencil was stuck behind his ear. + +"Get an apron for Hugh," said his father. + +Willie's grin grew wider. + +"I'll fit him out," he said. + +"Start him in the shipping department," directed Cousin Robert, and +turned to his letters. + +I was forthwith provided with an apron, and introduced to the slim and +anaemic but cheerful Johnny Hedges, the shipping clerk, hard at work in +the alley. Secretly I looked down on my fellow-clerks, as one destined +for a higher mission, made out of better stuff,--finer stuff. Despite my +attempt to hide this sense of superiority they were swift to discover it; +and perhaps it is to my credit as well as theirs that they did not resent +it. Curiously enough, they seemed to acknowledge it. Before the week +was out I had earned the nickname of Beau Brummel. + +"Say, Beau," Johnny Hedges would ask, when I appeared of a morning, "what +happened in the great world last night?" + +I had an affection for them, these fellow-clerks, and I often wondered at +their contentment with the drab lives they led, at their self- +congratulation for "having a job" at Breck and Company's. + +"You don't mean to say you like this kind of work?" I exclaimed one day +to Johnny Hedges, as we sat on barrels of XXXX flour looking out at the +hot sunlight in the alley. + +"It ain't a question of liking it, Beau," he rebuked me. "It's all very +well for you to talk, since your father's a millionaire" (a fiction so +firmly embedded in their heads that no amount of denial affected it), +"but what do you think would happen to me if I was fired? I couldn't go +home and take it easy--you bet not. I just want to shake hands with +myself when I think that I've got a home, and a job like this. I know a +feller--a hard worker he was, too who walked the pavements for three +months when the Colvers failed, and couldn't get nothing, and took to +drink, and the last I heard of him he was sleeping in police stations and +walking the ties, and his wife's a waitress at a cheap hotel. Don't you +think it's easy to get a job." + +I was momentarily sobered by the earnestness with which he brought home +to me the relentlessness of our civilization. It seemed incredible. I +should have learned a lesson in that store. Barring a few discordant +days when the orders came in too fast or when we were short handed +because of sickness, it was a veritable hive of happiness; morning after +morning clerks and porters arrived, pale, yet smiling, and laboured with +cheerfulness from eight o'clock until six, and departed as cheerfully for +modest homes in obscure neighbourhoods that seemed to me areas of exile. +They were troubled with no visions of better things. When the travelling +men came in from the "road" there was great hilarity. Important +personages, these, looked up to by the city clerks; jolly, reckless, +Elizabethan-like rovers, who had tasted of the wine of liberty--and of +other wines with the ineradicable lust for the road in their blood. No +more routine for Jimmy Bowles, who was king of them all. I shudder to +think how much of my knowledge of life I owe to this Jimmy, whose stories +would have filled a quarto volume, but could on no account have been +published; for a self-respecting post-office would not have allowed them +to pass through the mails. As it was, Jimmy gave them circulation +enough. I can still see his round face, with the nose just indicated, +his wicked, twinkling little eyes, and I can hear his husky voice fall to +a whisper when "the boss" passed through the store. Jimmy, when visiting +us, always had a group around him. His audacity with women amazed me, +for he never passed one of the "lady clerks" without some form of caress, +which they resented but invariably laughed at. One day he imparted to me +his code of morality: he never made love to another man's wife, so he +assured me, if he knew the man! The secret of life he had discovered in +laughter, and by laughter he sold quantities of Cousin Robert's +groceries. + +Mr. Bowles boasted of a catholic acquaintance in all the cities of his +district, but before venturing forth to conquer these he had learned his +own city by heart. My Cousin Robert was not aware of the fact that Mr. +Bowles "showed" the town to certain customers. He even desired to show +it to me, but an epicurean strain in my nature held me back. Johnny +Hedges went with him occasionally, and Henry Schneider, the bill clerk, +and I listened eagerly to their experiences, afterwards confiding them to +Tom.... + +There were times when, driven by an overwhelming curiosity, I ventured +into certain strange streets, alone, shivering with cold and excitement, +gripped by a fascination I did not comprehend, my eyes now averted, now +irresistibly raised toward the white streaks of light that outlined the +windows of dark houses.... + +One winter evening as I was going home, I encountered at the mail-box a +young woman who shot at me a queer, twisted smile. I stood still, as +though stunned, looking after her, and when halfway across the slushy +street she turned and smiled again. Prodigiously excited, I followed +her, fearful that I might be seen by someone who knew me, nor was it +until she reached an unfamiliar street that I ventured to overtake her. +She confounded me by facing me. + +"Get out!" she cried fiercely. + +I halted in my tracks, overwhelmed with shame. But she continued to +regard me by the light of the street lamp. + +"You didn't want to be seen with me on Second Street, did you? You're +one of those sneaking swells." + +The shock of this sudden onslaught was tremendous. I stood frozen to the +spot, trembling, convicted, for I knew that her accusation was just; I +had wounded her, and I had a desire to make amends. + +"I'm sorry," I faltered. "I didn't mean--to offend you. And you smiled--" +I got no farther. She began to laugh, and so loudly that I glanced +anxiously about. I would have fled, but something still held me, +something that belied the harshness of her laugh. + +"You're just a kid," she told me. "Say, you get along home, and tell +your mamma I sent you." + +Whereupon I departed in a state of humiliation and self-reproach I had +never before known, wandering about aimlessly for a long time. When at +length I arrived at home, late for supper, my mother's solicitude only +served to deepen my pain. She went to the kitchen herself to see if my +mince-pie were hot, and served me with her own hands. My father remained +at his place at the head of the table while I tried to eat, smiling +indulgently at her ministrations. + +"Oh, a little hard work won't hurt him, Sarah," he said. "When I was his +age I often worked until eleven o'clock and never felt the worse for it. +Business must be pretty good, eh, Hugh?" + +I had never seen him in a more relaxing mood, a more approving one. My +mother sat down beside me.... Words seem useless to express the +complicated nature of my suffering at that moment,--my remorse, my sense +of deception, of hypocrisy,--yes, and my terror. I tried to talk +naturally, to answer my father's questions about affairs at the store, +while all the time my eyes rested upon the objects of the room, familiar +since childhood. Here were warmth, love, and safety. Why could I not be +content with them, thankful for them? What was it in me that drove me +from these sheltering walls out into the dark places? I glanced at my +father. Had he ever known these wild, destroying desires? Oh, if I only +could have confided in him! The very idea of it was preposterous. Such +placidity as theirs would never understand the nature of my temptations, +and I pictured to myself their horror and despair at my revelation. In +imagination I beheld their figures receding while I drifted out to sea, +alone. Would the tide--which was somehow within me--carry me out and +out, in spite of all I could do? + + "Give me that man + That is not passion's slave, and I will wear him + In my heart's core...." + +I did not shirk my tasks at the store, although I never got over the +feeling that a fine instrument was being employed where a coarser one +would have done equally well. There were moments when I was almost +overcome by surges of self-commiseration and of impotent anger: for +instance, I was once driven out of a shop by an incensed German grocer +whom I had asked to settle a long-standing account. Yet the days passed, +the daily grind absorbed my energies, and when I was not collecting, or +tediously going over the stock in the dim recesses of the store, I was +running errands in the wholesale district, treading the burning brick of +the pavements, dodging heavy trucks and drays and perspiring clerks who +flew about with memorandum pads in their hands, or awaiting the pleasure +of bank tellers. Save Harvey, the venerable porter, I was the last to +leave the store in the evening, and I always came away with the taste on +my palate of Breck and Company's mail, it being my final duty to "lick" +the whole of it and deposit it in the box at the corner. The gum on the +envelopes tasted of winter-green. + +My Cousin Robert was somewhat astonished at my application. + +"We'll make a man of you yet, Hugh," he said to me once, when I had +performed a commission with unexpected despatch.... + +Business was his all-in-all, and he had an undisguised contempt for +higher education. To send a boy to college was, in his opinion, to run +no inconsiderable risk of ruining him. What did they amount to when they +came home, strutting like peacocks, full of fads and fancies, and much +too good to associate with decent, hard-working citizens? Nevertheless +when autumn came and my friends departed with eclat for the East, I was +desperate indeed! Even the contemplation of Robert Breck did not console +me, and yet here, in truth, was a life which might have served me as a +model. His store was his castle; and his reputation for integrity and +square dealing as wide as the city. Often I used to watch him with a +certain envy as he stood in the doorway, his hands in his pockets, and +greeted fellow-merchant and banker with his genuine and dignified +directness. This man was his own master. They all called him "Robert," +and they made it clear by their manner that they knew they were +addressing one who fulfilled his obligations and asked no favours. + +Crusty old Nathaniel Durrett once declared that when you bought a bill of +goods from Robert Breck you did not have to check up the invoice or +employ a chemist. Here was a character to mould upon. If my ambition +could but have been bounded by Breck and Company, I, too, might have come +to stand in that doorway content with a tribute that was greater than +Caesar's. + +I had been dreading the Christmas holidays, which were indeed to be no +holidays for me. And when at length they arrived they brought with them +from the East certain heroes fashionably clad, citizens now of a larger +world than mine. These former companions had become superior beings, +they could not help showing it, and their presence destroyed the Balance +of Things. For alas, I had not wholly abjured the feminine sex after +all! And from being a somewhat important factor in the lives of Ruth +Hollister and other young women I suddenly became of no account. New +interests, new rivalries and loyalties had arisen in which I had no +share; I must perforce busy myself with invoices of flour and coffee and +canned fruits while sleigh rides and coasting and skating expeditions to +Blackstone Lake followed one another day after day,--for the irony of +circumstances had decreed a winter uncommonly cold. There were evening +parties, too, where I felt like an alien, though my friends were guilty +of no conscious neglect; and had I been able to accept the situation +simply, I should not have suffered. + +The principal event of those holidays was a play given in the old +Hambleton house (which later became the Boyne Club), under the direction +of the lively and talented Mrs. Watling. I was invited, indeed, to +participate; but even if I had had the desire I could not have done so, +since the rehearsals were carried on in the daytime. Nancy was the +leading lady. I have neglected to mention that she too had been away +almost continuously since our misunderstanding, for the summer in the +mountains,--a sojourn recommended for her mother's health; and in the +autumn she had somewhat abruptly decided to go East to boarding-school at +Farmington. During the brief months of her absence she had marvellously +acquired maturity and aplomb, a worldliness of manner and a certain +frivolity that seemed to put those who surrounded her on a lower plane. +She was only seventeen, yet she seemed the woman of thirty whose role she +played. First there were murmurs, then sustained applause. I scarcely +recognized her: she had taken wings and soared far above me, suggesting a +sphere of power and luxury hitherto unimagined and beyond the scope of +the world to which I belonged. + +Her triumph was genuine. When the play was over she was immediately +surrounded by enthusiastic admirers eager to congratulate her, to dance +with her. I too would have gone forward, but a sense of inadequacy, of +unimportance, of an inability to cope with her, held me back, and from a +corner I watched her sweeping around the room, holding up her train, and +leaning on the arm of Bob Lansing, a classmate whom Ralph had brought +home from Harvard. Then it was Ralph's turn: that affair seemed still to +be going on. My feelings were a strange medley of despondency and +stimulation.... + +Our eyes met. Her partner now was Ham Durrett. Capriciously releasing +him, she stood before me, + +"Hugh, you haven't asked me to dance, or even told me what you thought of +the play." + +"I thought it was splendid," I said lamely. + +Because she refrained from replying I was farther than ever from +understanding her. How was I to divine what she felt? or whether any +longer she felt at all? Here, in this costume of a woman of the world, +with the string of pearls at her neck to give her the final touch of +brilliancy, was a strange, new creature who baffled and silenced me.... +We had not gone halfway across the room when she halted abruptly. + +"I'm tired," she exclaimed. "I don't feel like dancing just now," and +led the way to the big, rose punch-bowl, one of the Durretts' most +cherished possessions. Glancing up at me over the glass of lemonade I +had given her she went on: "Why haven't you been to see me since I came +home? I've wanted to talk to you, to hear how you are getting along." + +Was she trying to make amends, or reminding me in this subtle way of the +cause of our quarrel? What I was aware of as I looked at her was an +attitude, a vantage point apparently gained by contact with that +mysterious outer world which thus vicariously had laid its spell on me; +I was tremendously struck by the thought that to achieve this attitude +meant emancipation, invulnerability against the aches and pains which +otherwise our fellow-beings had the power to give us; mastery over life, +--the ability to choose calmly, as from a height, what were best for one's +self, untroubled by loves and hates. Untroubled by loves and hates! At +that very moment, paradoxically, I loved her madly, but with a love not +of the old quality, a love that demanded a vantage point of its own. +Even though she had made an advance--and some elusiveness in her manner +led me to doubt it I could not go to her now. I must go as a conqueror, +--a conqueror in the lists she herself had chosen, where the prize is +power. + +"Oh, I'm getting along pretty well," I said. "At any rate, they don't +complain of me." + +"Somehow," she ventured, "somehow it's hard to think of you as a business +man." + +I took this for a reference to the boast I had made that I would go to +college. + +"Business isn't so bad as it might be," I assured her. + +"I think a man ought to go away to college," she declared, in what seemed +another tone. "He makes friends, learns certain things,--it gives him +finish. We are very provincial here." + +Provincial! I did not stop to reflect how recently she must have +acquired the word; it summed up precisely the self-estimate at which I +had arrived. The sting went deep. Before I could think of an effective +reply Nancy was being carried off by the young man from the East, who was +clearly infatuated. He was not provincial. She smiled back at me +brightly over his shoulder.... In that instant were fused in one +resolution all the discordant elements within me of aspiration and +discontent. It was not so much that I would show Nancy what I intended +to do--I would show myself; and I felt a sudden elation, and accession of +power that enabled me momentarily to despise the puppets with whom she +danced.... From this mood I was awakened with a start to feel a hand on +my shoulder, and I turned to confront her father, McAlery Willett; a +gregarious, easygoing, pleasure-loving gentleman who made only a pretence +of business, having inherited an ample fortune from his father, unique +among his generation in our city in that he paid some attention to +fashion in his dress; good living was already beginning to affect his +figure. His mellow voice had a way of breaking an octave. + +"Don't worry, my boy," he said. "You stick to business. These college +fellows are cocks of the walk just now, but some day you'll be able to +snap your fingers at all of 'em." + +The next day was dark, overcast, smoky, damp-the soft, unwholesome +dampness that follows a spell of hard frost. I spent the morning and +afternoon on the gloomy third floor of Breck and Company, making a list +of the stock. I remember the place as though I had just stepped out of +it, the freight elevator at the back, the dusty, iron columns, the +continuous piles of cases and bags and barrels with narrow aisles between +them; the dirty windows, spotted and soot-streaked, that looked down on +Second Street. I was determined now to escape from all this, and I had +my plan in mind. + +No sooner had I swallowed my supper that evening than I set out at a +swift pace for a modest residence district ten blocks away, coming to a +little frame house set back in a yard,--one of those houses in which the +ringing of the front door-bell produces the greatest commotion; +children's voices were excitedly raised and then hushed. After a brief +silence the door was opened by a pleasant-faced, brown-bearded man, who +stood staring at me in surprise. His hair was rumpled, he wore an old +house coat with a hole in the elbow, and with one finger he kept his +place in the book which he held in his hand. + +"Hugh Paret!" he exclaimed. + +He ushered me into a little parlour lighted by two lamps, that bore every +evidence of having been recently vacated. Its features somehow bespoke a +struggle for existence; as though its occupants had worried much and +loved much. It was a room best described by the word "home"--home made +more precious by a certain precariousness. Toys and school-books strewed +the floor, a sewing-bag and apron lay across the sofa, and in one corner +was a roll-topped desk of varnished oak. The seats of the chairs were +comfortably depressed. + +So this was where Mr. Wood lived! Mr. Wood, instructor in Latin and +Greek at Densmore Academy. It was now borne in on me for the first time +that he did live and have his ties like any other human being, instead of +just appearing magically from nowhere on a platform in a chalky room at +nine every morning, to vanish again in the afternoon. I had formerly +stood in awe of his presence. But now I was suddenly possessed by an +embarrassment, and (shall I say it?) by a commiseration bordering on +contempt for a man who would consent to live thus for the sake of being a +schoolteacher. How strange that civilization should set such a high +value on education and treat its functionaries with such neglect! + +Mr. Wood's surprise at seeing me was genuine. For I had never shown a +particular interest in him, nor in the knowledge which he strove to +impart. + +"I thought you had forgotten me, Hugh," he said, and added whimsically: +"most boys do, when they graduate." + +I felt the reproach, which made it the more difficult for me to state my +errand. + +"I knew you sometimes took pupils in the evening, Mr. Wood." + +"Pupils,--yes," he replied, still eyeing me. Suddenly his eyes twinkled. +He had indeed no reason to suspect me of thirsting for learning. "But I +was under the impression that you had gone into business, Hugh." + +"The fact is, sir," I explained somewhat painfully, "that I am not +satisfied with business. I feel--as if I ought to know more. And I came +to see if you would give me lessons about three nights a week, because I +want to take the Harvard examinations next summer." + +Thus I made it appear, and so persuaded myself, that my ambition had been +prompted by a craving for knowledge. As soon as he could recover himself +he reminded me that he had on many occasions declared I had a brain. + +"Your father must be very happy over this decision of yours," he said. + +That was the point, I told him. It was to be a surprise for my father; I +was to take the examinations first, and inform him afterwards. + +To my intense relief, Mr. Wood found the scheme wholly laudable, and +entered into it with zest. He produced examinations of preceding years +from a pigeonhole in his desk, and inside of half an hour the arrangement +was made, the price of the lessons settled. They were well within my +salary, which recently had been raised.... + +When I went down town, or collecting bills for Breck and Company, I took +a text-book along with me in the street-cars. Now at last I had behind +my studies a driving force. Algebra, Latin, Greek and history became +worth while, means to an end. I astonished Mr. Wood; and sometimes he +would tilt back his chair, take off his spectacles and pull his beard. + +"Why in the name of all the sages," he would demand, "couldn't you have +done this well at school? You might have led your class, instead of +Ralph Hambleton." + +I grew very fond of Mr. Wood, and even of his thin little wife, who +occasionally flitted into the room after we had finished. I fully +intended to keep up with them in after life, but I never did. I forgot +them completely.... + +My parents were not wholly easy in their minds concerning me; they were +bewildered by the new aspect I presented. For my lately acquired motive +was strong enough to compel me to restrict myself socially, and the +evenings I spent at home were given to study, usually in my own room. +Once I was caught with a Latin grammar: I was just "looking over it," I +said. My mother sighed. I knew what was in her mind; she had always +been secretly disappointed that I had not been sent to college. And +presently, when my father went out to attend a trustee's meeting, the +impulse to confide in her almost overcame me; I loved her with that +affection which goes out to those whom we feel understand us, but I was +learning to restrain my feelings. She looked at me wistfully.... I knew +that she would insist on telling my father, and thus possibly frustrate +my plans. That I was not discovered was due to a certain quixotic twist +in my father's character. I was working now, and though not actually +earning my own living, he no longer felt justified in prying into my +affairs. + +When June arrived, however, my tutor began to show signs that his +conscience was troubling him, and one night he delivered his ultimatum. +The joke had gone far enough, he implied. My intentions, indeed, he +found praiseworthy, but in his opinion it was high time that my father +were informed of them; he was determined to call at my father's office. + +The next morning was blue with the presage of showers; blue, too, with +the presage of fate. An interminable morning. My tasks had become +utterly distasteful. And in the afternoon, so when I sat down to make +out invoices, I wrote automatically the names of the familiar customers, +my mind now exalted by hope, now depressed by anxiety. The result of an +interview perhaps even now going on would determine whether or no I +should be immediately released from a slavery I detested. Would Mr. Wood +persuade my father? If not, I was prepared to take more desperate +measures; remain in the grocery business I would not. In the evening, as +I hurried homeward from the corner where the Boyne Street car had dropped +me, I halted suddenly in front of the Peters house, absorbing the scene +where my childhood had been spent: each of these spreading maples was an +old friend, and in these yards I had played and dreamed. An +unaccountable sadness passed over me as I walked on toward our gate; I +entered it, gained the doorway of the house and went upstairs, glancing +into the sitting room. My mother sat by the window, sewing. She looked +up at me with an ineffable expression, in which I read a trace of tears. + +"Hugh!" she exclaimed. + +I felt very uncomfortable, and stood looking down at her. + +"Why didn't you tell us, my son?" In her voice was in truth reproach; +yet mingled with that was another note, which I think was pride. + +"What has father said?" I asked. + +"Oh, my dear, he will tell you himself. I--I don't know--he will talk to +you." + +Suddenly she seized my hands and drew me down to her, and then held me +away, gazing into my face with a passionate questioning, her lips +smiling, her eyes wet. What did she see? Was there a subtler +relationship between our natures than I guessed? Did she understand by +some instinctive power the riddle within me? divine through love the +force that was driving me on she knew not whither, nor I? At the sound +of my father's step in the hall she released me. He came in as though +nothing had happened. + +"Well, Hugh, are you home?" he said.... + +Never had I been more impressed, more bewildered by his self-command than +at that time. Save for the fact that my mother talked less than usual, +supper passed as though nothing had happened. Whether I had shaken him, +disappointed him, or gained his reluctant approval I could not tell. +Gradually his outward calmness turned my suspense to irritation.... + +But when at length we were alone together, I gained a certain +reassurance. His manner was not severe. He hesitated a little before +beginning. + +"I must confess, Hugh; that I scarcely know what to say about this +proceeding of yours. The thing that strikes me most forcibly is that you +might have confided in your mother and myself." + +Hope flashed up within me, like an explosion. + +"I--I wanted to surprise you, father. And then, you see, I thought it +would be wiser to find out first how well I was likely to do at the +examinations." + +My father looked at me. Unfortunately he possessed neither a sense of +humour nor a sense of tragedy sufficient to meet such a situation. For +the first time in my life I beheld him at a disadvantage; for I had, +somehow, managed at length to force him out of position, and he was +puzzled. I was quick to play my trump card. + +"I have been thinking it over carefully," I told him, "and I have made up +my mind that I want to go into the law." + +"The law!" he exclaimed sharply. + +"Why, yes, sir. I know that you were disappointed because I did not do +sufficiently well at school to go to college and study for the bar." + +I felt indeed a momentary pang, but I remembered that I was fighting for +my freedom. + +"You seemed satisfied where you were," he said in a puzzled voice, "and +your Cousin Robert gives a good account of you." + +"I've tried to do the work as well as I could, sir," I replied. "But I +don't like the grocery business, or any other business. I have a feeling +that I'm not made for it." + +"And you think, now, that you are made for the law?" he asked, with the +faint hint of a smile. + +"Yes, sir, I believe I could succeed at it. I'd like to try," I replied +modestly. + +"You've given up the idiotic notion of wishing to be an author?" + +I implied that he himself had convinced me of the futility of such a +wish. I listened to his next words as in a dream. + +"I must confess to you, Hugh, that there are times when I fail to +understand you. I hope it is as you say, that you have arrived at a +settled conviction as to your future, and that this is not another of +those caprices to which you have been subject, nor a desire to shirk +honest work. Mr. Wood has made out a strong case for you, and I have +therefore determined to give you a trial. If you pass the examinations +with credit, you may go to college, but if at any time you fail to make +good progress, you come home, and go into business again. Is that +thoroughly understood?" + +I said it was, and thanked him effusively.... I had escaped,--the prison +doors had flown open. But it is written that every happiness has its +sting; and my joy, intense though it was, had in it a core of remorse.... + +I went downstairs to my mother, who was sitting in the hall by the open +door. + +"Father says I may go!" I said. + +She got up and took me in her arms. + +"My dear, I am so glad, although we shall miss you dreadfully.... Hugh?" + +"Yes, mother." + +"Oh, Hugh, I so want you to be a good man!" + +Her cry was a little incoherent, but fraught with a meaning that came +home to me, in spite of myself.... + +A while later I ran over to announce to the amazed Tom Peters that I was +actually going to Harvard with him. He stood in the half-lighted +hallway, his hands in his pockets, blinking at me. + +"Hugh, you're a wonder!" he cried. "How in Jehoshaphat did you work +it?"... + +I lay long awake that night thinking over the momentous change so soon to +come into my life, wondering exultantly what Nancy Willett would say now. +I was not one, at any rate, to be despised or neglected. + + + + +VI. + +The following September Tom Peters and I went East together. In the +early morning Boston broke on us like a Mecca as we rolled out of the old +Albany station, joint lords of a "herdic." How sharply the smell of the +salt-laden east wind and its penetrating coolness come back to me! I +seek in vain for words to express the exhilarating effect of that briny +coolness on my imagination, and of the visions it summoned up of the +newer, larger life into which I had marvellously been transported. We +alighted at the Parker House, full-fledged men of the world, and tried to +act as though the breakfast of which we partook were merely an incident, +not an Event; as though we were Seniors, and not freshmen, assuming an +indifference to the beings by whom we were surrounded and who were +breakfasting, too,--although the nice-looking ones with fresh faces and +trim clothes were all undoubtedly Olympians. The better to proclaim our +nonchalance, we seated ourselves on a lounge of the marble-paved lobby +and smoked cigarettes. This was liberty indeed! At length we departed +for Cambridge, in another herdic. + +Boston! Could it be possible? Everything was so different here as to +give the place the aspect of a dream: the Bulfinch State House, the +decorous shops, the still more decorous dwellings with the purple-paned +windows facing the Common; Back Bay, still boarded up, ivy-spread, +suggestive of a mysterious and delectable existence. We crossed the +Charles River, blue-grey and still that morning; traversed a nondescript +district, and at last found ourselves gazing out of the windows at the +mellowed, plum-coloured bricks of the University buildings.... All at +once our exhilaration evaporated as the herdic rumbled into a side street +and backed up before the door of a not-too-inviting, three-storied house +with a queer extension on top. Its steps and vestibule were, however, +immaculate. The bell was answered by a plainly overworked servant girl, +of whom we inquired for Mrs. Bolton, our landlady. There followed a +period of waiting in a parlour from which the light had been almost +wholly banished, with slippery horsehair furniture and a marble-topped +table; and Mrs. Bolton, when she appeared, dressed in rusty black, +harmonized perfectly with the funereal gloom. She was a tall, rawboned, +severe lady with a peculiar red-mottled complexion that somehow reminded +one of the outcropping rocks of her native New England soil. + +"You want to see your rooms, I suppose," she remarked impassively when we +had introduced ourselves, and as we mounted the stairs behind her Tom, in +a whisper, nicknamed her "Granite Face." Presently she left us. + +"Hospitable soul!" said Tom, who, with his hands in his pockets, was +gazing at the bare walls of our sitting-room. "We'll have to go into the +house-furnishing business, Hughie. I vote we don't linger here to-day-- +we'll get melancholia." + +Outside, however, the sun was shining brightly, and we departed +immediately to explore Cambridge and announce our important presences to +the proper authorities.... We went into Boston to dine.... It was not +until nine o'clock in the evening that we returned and the bottom +suddenly dropped out of things. He who has tasted that first, acute +homesickness of college will know what I mean. It usually comes at the +opening of one's trunk. The sight of the top tray gave me a pang I shall +never forget. I would not have believed that I loved my mother so much! +These articles had been packed by her hands; and in one corner, among the +underclothes on which she had neatly sewed my initials, lay the new Bible +she had bought. "Hugh Moreton Paret, from his Mother. September, 1881." +I took it up (Tom was not looking) and tried to read a passage, but my +eyes were blurred. What was it within me that pressed and pressed until +I thought I could bear the pain of it no longer? I pictured the sitting- +room at home, and my father and mother there, thinking of me. Yes, I +must acknowledge it; in the bitterness of that moment I longed to be back +once more in the railed-off space on the floor of Breck and Company, +writing invoices.... + +Presently, as we went on silently with our unpacking, we became aware of +someone in the doorway. + +"Hello, you fellows!" he cried. "We're classmates, I guess." + +We turned to behold an ungainly young man in an ill-fitting blue suit. +His face was pimply, his eyes a Teutonic blue, his yellow hair rumpled, +his naturally large mouth was made larger by a friendly grin. + +"I'm Hermann Krebs," he announced simply. "Who are you?" + +We replied, I regret to say, with a distinct coolness that did not seem +to bother him in the least. He advanced into the room, holding out a +large, red, and serviceable hand, evidently it had never dawned on him +that there was such a thing in the world as snobbery. But Tom and I had +been "coached" by Ralph Hambleton and Perry Blackwood, warned to be +careful of our friendships. There was a Reason! In any case Mr. Krebs +would not have appealed to us. In answer to a second question he was +informed what city we hailed from, and he proclaimed himself likewise a +native of our state. + +"Why, I'm from Elkington!" he exclaimed, as though the fact sealed our +future relationships. He seated himself on Tom's trunk and added: +"Welcome to old Harvard!" + +We felt that he was scarcely qualified to speak for "old Harvard," but we +did not say so. + +"You look as if you'd been pall-bearers for somebody," was his next +observation. + +To this there seemed no possible reply. + +"You fellows are pretty well fixed here," he went on, undismayed, gazing +about a room which had seemed to us the abomination of desolation. "Your +folks must be rich. I'm up under the skylight." + +Even this failed to touch us. His father--he told us with undiminished +candour--had been a German emigrant who had come over in '49, after the +cause of liberty had been lost in the old country, and made eye-glasses +and opera glasses. There hadn't been a fortune in it. He, Hermann, had +worked at various occupations in the summer time, from peddling to +farming, until he had saved enough to start him at Harvard. Tom, who had +been bending over his bureau drawer, straightened up. + +"What did you want to come here for?" he demanded. + +"Say, what did you?" Mr. Krebs retorted genially. "To get an education, +of course." + +"An education!" echoed Tom. + +"Isn't Harvard the oldest and best seat of learning in America?" There +was an exaltation in Krebs's voice that arrested my attention, and made +me look at him again. A troubled chord had been struck within me. + +"Sure," said Tom. + +"What did you come for?" Mr. Krebs persisted. + +"To sow my wild oats," said Tom. "I expect to have something of a crop, +too." + +For some reason I could not fathom, it suddenly seemed to dawn on Mr. +Krebs, as a result of this statement, that he wasn't wanted. + +"Well, so long," he said, with a new dignity that curiously belied the +informality of his farewell. + +An interval of silence followed his departure. + +"Well, he's got a crust!" said Tom, at last. + +My own feeling about Mr. Krebs had become more complicated; but I took my +cue from Tom, who dealt with situations simply. + +"He'll come in for a few knockouts," he declared. "Here's to old +Harvard, the greatest institution of learning in America! Oh, gee!" + +Our visitor, at least, made us temporarily forget our homesickness, but +it returned with redoubled intensity when we had put out the lights and +gone to bed. + +Before we had left home it had been mildly hinted to us by Ralph and +Perry Blackwood that scholarly eminence was not absolutely necessary to +one's welfare and happiness at Cambridge. The hint had been somewhat +superfluous; but the question remained, what was necessary? With a view +of getting some light on this delicate subject we paid a visit the next +evening to our former friends and schoolmates, whose advice was conveyed +with a masterly circumlocution that impressed us both. There are some +things that may not be discussed directly, and the conduct of life at a +modern university--which is a reflection of life in the greater world--is +one of these. Perry Blackwood and Ham did most of the talking, while +Ralph, characteristically, lay at full length on the window-seat, +interrupting with an occasional terse and cynical remark very much to the +point. As a sophomore, he in particular seemed lifted immeasurably above +us, for he was--as might have been expected already a marked man in his +class. The rooms which he shared with his cousin made a tremendous +impression on Tom and me, and seemed palatial in comparison to our +quarters at Mrs. Bolton's, eloquent of the freedom and luxury of +undergraduate existence; their note, perhaps, was struck by the profusion +of gay sofa pillows, then something of an innovation. The heavy, +expensive furniture was of a pattern new to me; and on the mantel were +three or four photographs of ladies in the alluring costume of the +musical stage, in which Tom evinced a particular interest. + +"Did grandfather send 'em?" he inquired. + +"They're Ham's," said Ralph, and he contrived somehow to get into those +two words an epitome of his cousin's character. Ham was stouter, and his +clothes were more striking, more obviously expensive than ever.... On +our way homeward, after we had walked a block or two in silence, Tom +exclaimed:-- + +"Don't make friends with the friendless!--eh, Hughie? We knew enough to +begin all right, didn't we?"... + +Have I made us out a pair of deliberate, calculating snobs? Well, after +all it must be remembered that our bringing up had not been of sufficient +liberality to include the Krebses of this world. We did not, indeed, +spend much time in choosing and weighing those whom we should know and +those whom we should avoid; and before the first term of that Freshman +year was over Tom had become a favourite. He had the gift of making men +feel that he delighted in their society, that he wished for nothing +better than to sit for hours in their company, content to listen to the +arguments that raged about him. Once in a while he would make a droll +observation that was greeted with fits of laughter. He was always +referred to as "old Tom," or "good old Tom"; presently, when he began to +pick out chords on the banjo, it was discovered that he had a good tenor +voice, though he could not always be induced to sing.... Somewhat to the +jeopardy of the academic standard that my father expected me to sustain, +our rooms became a rendezvous for many clubable souls whose maudlin, +midnight attempts at harmony often set the cocks crowing. + + "Free from care and despair, + What care we? + 'Tis wine, 'tis wine + That makes the jollity." + +As a matter of truth, on these occasions it was more often beer; beer +transported thither in Tom's new valise,--given him by his mother,--and +stuffed with snow to keep the bottles cold. Sometimes Granite Face, +adorned in a sky-blue wrapper, would suddenly appear in the doorway to +declare that we were a disgrace to her respectable house: the university +authorities should be informed, etc., etc. Poor woman, we were +outrageously inconsiderate of her.... One evening as we came through the +hall we caught a glimpse in the dimly lighted parlour of a young man +holding a shy and pale little girl on his lap, Annie, Mrs. Bolton's +daughter: on the face of our landlady was an expression I had never seen +there, like a light. I should scarcely have known her. Tom and I paused +at the foot of the stairs. He clutched my arm. + +"Darned if it wasn't our friend Krebs!" he whispered. + +While I was by no means so popular as Tom, I got along fairly well. I +had escaped from provincialism, from the obscure purgatory of the +wholesale grocery business; new vistas, exciting and stimulating, had +been opened up; nor did I offend the sensibilities and prejudices of the +new friends I made, but gave a hearty consent to a code I found +congenial. I recognized in the social system of undergraduate life at +Harvard a reflection of that of a greater world where I hoped some day to +shine; yet my ambition did not prey upon me. Mere conformity, however, +would not have taken me very far in a sphere from which I, in common with +many others, desired not to be excluded.... One day, in an idle but +inspired moment, I paraphrased a song from "Pinafore," applying it to a +college embroglio, and the brief and lively vogue it enjoyed was +sufficient to indicate a future usefulness. I had "found myself." This +was in the last part of the freshman year, and later on I became a sort +of amateur, class poet-laureate. Many were the skits I composed, and Tom +sang them.... + +During that freshman year we often encountered Hermann Krebs, whistling +merrily, on the stairs. + +"Got your themes done?" he would inquire cheerfully. + +And Tom would always mutter, when he was out of earshot: "He has got a +crust!" + +When I thought about Krebs at all,--and this was seldom indeed,--his +manifest happiness puzzled me. Our cool politeness did not seem to +bother him in the least; on the contrary, I got the impression that it +amused him. He seemed to have made no friends. And after that first +evening, memorable for its homesickness, he never ventured to repeat his +visit to us. + +One windy November day I spied his somewhat ludicrous figure striding +ahead of me, his trousers above his ankles. I was bundled up in a new +ulster,--of which I was secretly quite proud,--but he wore no overcoat at +all. + +"Well, how are you getting along?" I asked, as I overtook him. + +He made clear, as he turned, his surprise that I should have addressed +him at all, but immediately recovered himself. + +"Oh, fine," he responded. "I've had better luck than I expected. I'm +correspondent for two or three newspapers. I began by washing windows, +and doing odd jobs for the professors' wives." He laughed. "I guess +that doesn't strike you as good luck." + +He showed no resentment at my patronage, but a self-sufficiency that made +my sympathy seem superfluous, giving the impression of an inner harmony +and content that surprised me. + +"I needn't ask how you're getting along," he said.... + +At the end of the freshman year we abandoned Mrs. Bolton's for more +desirable quarters. + +I shall not go deeply into my college career, recalling only such +incidents as, seen in the retrospect, appear to have had significance. I +have mentioned my knack for song-writing; but it was not, I think, until +my junior year there was startlingly renewed in me my youthful desire to +write, to create something worth while, that had so long been dormant. + +The inspiration came from Alonzo Cheyne, instructor in English; a +remarkable teacher, in spite of the finicky mannerisms which Tom +imitated. And when, in reading aloud certain magnificent passages, he +forgot his affectations, he managed to arouse cravings I thought to have +deserted me forever. Was it possible, after all, that I had been right +and my father wrong? that I might yet be great in literature? + +A mere hint from Alonzo Cheyne was more highly prized by the grinds than +fulsome praise from another teacher. And to his credit it should be +recorded that the grinds were the only ones he treated with any +seriousness; he took pains to answer their questions; but towards the +rest of us, the Chosen, he showed a thinly veiled contempt. None so +quick as he to detect a simulated interest, or a wily effort to make him +ridiculous; and few tried this a second time, for he had a rapier-like +gift of repartee that transfixed the offender like a moth on a pin. He +had a way of eyeing me at times, his glasses in his hand, a queer smile +on his lips, as much as to imply that there was one at least among the +lost who was made for better things. Not that my work was poor, but I +knew that it might have been better. Out of his classes, however, beyond +the immediate, disturbing influence of his personality I would relapse +into indifference.... + +Returning one evening to our quarters, which were now in the "Yard," +I found Tom seated with a blank sheet before him, thrusting his hand +through his hair and biting the end of his penholder to a pulp. In his +muttering, which was mixed with the curious, stingless profanity of which +he was master, I caught the name of Cheyne, and I knew that he was facing +the crisis of a fortnightly theme. The subject assigned was a narrative +of some personal experience, and it was to be handed in on the morrow. +My own theme was already, written. + +"I've been holding down this chair for an hour, and I can't seem to think +of a thing." He rose to fling himself down on the lounge. "I wish I was +in Canada." + +"Why Canada?" + +"Trout fishing with Uncle Jake at that club of his where he took me last +summer." Tom gazed dreamily at the ceiling. "Whenever I have some +darned foolish theme like this to write I want to go fishing, and I want +to go like the devil. I'll get Uncle Jake to take you, too, next +summer." + +"I wish you would." + +"Say, that's living all right, Hughie, up there among the tamaracks and +balsams!" And he began, for something like the thirtieth time, to relate +the adventures of the trip. + +As he talked, the idea presented itself to me with sudden fascination to +use this incident as the subject of Tom's theme; to write it for him, +from his point of view, imitating the droll style he would have had if he +had been able to write; for, when he was interested in any matter, his +oral narrative did not lack vividness. I began to ask him questions: +what were the trees like, for instance? How did the French-Canadian +guides talk? He had the gift of mimicry: aided by a partial knowledge of +French I wrote down a few sentences as they sounded. The canoe had upset +and he had come near drowning. I made him describe his sensations. + +"I'll write your theme for you," I exclaimed, when he had finished. + +"Gee, not about that!" + +"Why not? It's a personal experience." + +His gratitude was pathetic.... By this time I was so full of the subject +that it fairly clamoured for expression, and as I wrote the hours flew. +Once in a while I paused to ask him a question as he sat with his chair +tilted back and his feet on the table, reading a detective story. I +sketched in the scene with bold strokes; the desolate bois brule on the +mountain side, the polished crystal surface of the pool broken here and +there with the circles left by rising fish; I pictured Armand, the guide, +his pipe between his teeth, holding the canoe against the current; and I +seemed to smell the sharp tang of the balsams, to hear the roar of the +rapids below. Then came the sudden hooking of the big trout, habitant +oaths from Armand, bouleversement, wetness, darkness, confusion; a half- +strangled feeling, a brief glimpse of green things and sunlight, and then +strangulation, or what seemed like it; strangulation, the sense of being +picked up and hurled by a terrific force whither? a blinding whiteness, +in which it was impossible to breathe, one sharp, almost unbearable pain, +then another, then oblivion.... Finally, awakening, to be confronted by +a much worried Uncle Jake. + +By this time the detective story had fallen to the floor, and Tom was +huddled up in his chair, asleep. He arose obediently and wrapped a wet +towel around his head, and began to write. Once he paused long enough to +mutter:-- + +"Yes, that's about it,--that's the way I felt!" and set to work again, +mechanically,--all the praise I got for what I deemed a literary +achievement of the highest order! At three o'clock, a.m., he finished, +pulled off his clothes automatically and tumbled into bed. I had no +desire for sleep. My brain was racing madly, like an engine without a +governor. I could write! I could write! I repeated the words over and +over to myself. All the complexities of my present life were blotted +out, and I beheld only the long, sweet vista of the career for which I +was now convinced that nature had intended me. My immediate fortunes +became unimportant, immaterial. No juice of the grape I had ever tasted +made me half so drunk.... With the morning, of course, came the +reaction, and I suffered the after sensations of an orgie, awaking to a +world of necessity, cold and grey and slushy, and necessity alone made me +rise from my bed. My experience of the night before might have taught me +that happiness lies in the trick of transforming necessity, but it did +not. The vision had faded,--temporarily, at least; and such was the +distraction of the succeeding days that the subject of the theme passed +from my mind.... + +One morning Tom was later than usual in getting home. I was writing a +letter when he came in, and did not notice him, yet I was vaguely aware +of his standing over me. When at last I looked up I gathered from his +expression that something serious had happened, so mournful was his face, +and yet so utterly ludicrous. + +"Say, Hugh, I'm in the deuce of a mess," he announced. + +"What's the matter?" I inquired. + +He sank down on the table with a groan. + +"It's Alonzo," he said. + +Then I remembered the theme. + +"What--what's he done?" I demanded. + +"He says I must become a writer. Think of it, me a writer! He says I'm +a young Shakespeare, that I've been lazy and hid my light under a bushel! +He says he knows now what I can do, and if I don't keep up the quality, +he'll know the reason why, and write a personal letter to my father. Oh, +hell!" + +In spite of his evident anguish, I was seized with a convulsive laughter. +Tom stood staring at me moodily. + +"You think it's funny,--don't you? I guess it is, but what's going to +become of me? That's what I want to know. I've been in trouble before, +but never in any like this. And who got me into it? You!" + +Here was gratitude! + +"You've got to go on writing 'em, now." His voice became desperately +pleading. "Say, Hugh, old man, you can temper 'em down--temper 'em down +gradually. And by the end of the year, let's say, they'll be about +normal again." + +He seemed actually shivering. + +"The end of the year!" I cried, the predicament striking me for the first +time in its fulness. "Say, you've got a crust!" + +"You'll do it, if I have to hold a gun over you," he announced grimly. + +Mingled with my anxiety, which was real, was an exultation that would not +down. Nevertheless, the idea of developing Tom into a Shakespeare,--Tom, +who had not the slightest desire to be one I was appalling, besides +having in it an element of useless self-sacrifice from which I recoiled. +On the other hand, if Alonzo should discover that I had written his +theme, there were penalties I did not care to dwell upon .... With such +a cloud hanging over me I passed a restless night. + +As luck would have it the very next evening in the level light under the +elms of the Square I beheld sauntering towards me a dapper figure which I +recognized as that of Mr. Cheyne himself. As I saluted him he gave me an +amused and most disconcerting glance; and when I was congratulating +myself that he had passed me he stopped. + +"Fine weather for March, Paret," he observed. + +"Yes, sir," I agreed in a strange voice. + +"By the way," he remarked, contemplating the bare branches above our +heads, "that was an excellent theme your roommate handed in. I had no +idea that he possessed such--such genius. Did you, by any chance, happen +to read it?" + +"Yes, sir,--I read it." + +"Weren't you surprised?" inquired Mr. Cheyne. + +"Well, yes, sir--that is--I mean to say he talks just like that, +sometimes--that is, when it's anything he cares about." + +"Indeed!" said Mr. Cheyne. "That's interesting, most interesting. In +all my experience, I do not remember a case in which a gift has been +developed so rapidly. I don't want to give the impression--ah that there +is no room for improvement, but the thing was very well done, for an +undergraduate. I must confess I never should have suspected it in +Peters, and it's most interesting what you say about his cleverness in +conversation." He twirled the head of his stick, apparently lost in +reflection. "I may be wrong," he went on presently, "I have an idea it +is you--" I must literally have jumped away from him. He paused a +moment, without apparently noticing my panic, "that it is you who have +influenced Peters." + +"Sir?" + +"I am wrong, then. Or is this merely commendable modesty on your part?" + +"Oh, no, sir." + +"Then my hypothesis falls to the ground. I had greatly hoped," he added +meaningly, "that you might be able to throw some light on this mystery." + +I was dumb. + +"Paret," he asked, "have you time to come over to my rooms for a few +minutes this evening?" + +"Certainly, sir." + +He gave me his number in Brattle Street.... + +Like one running in a nightmare and making no progress I made my way +home, only to learn from Hallam,--who lived on the same floor,--that Tom +had inconsiderately gone to Boston for the evening, with four other weary +spirits in search of relaxation! Avoiding our club table, I took what +little nourishment I could at a modest restaurant, and restlessly paced +the moonlit streets until eight o'clock, when I found myself in front of +one of those low-gabled colonial houses which, on less soul-shaking +occasions, had exercised a great charm on my imagination. My hand hung +for an instant over the bell.... I must have rung it violently, for +there appeared almost immediately an old lady in a lace cap, who greeted +me with gentle courtesy, and knocked at a little door with glistening +panels. The latch was lifted by Mr. Cheyne himself. + +"Come in, Paret," he said, in a tone that was unexpectedly hospitable. + +I have rarely seen a more inviting room. A wood fire burned brightly on +the brass andirons, flinging its glare on the big, white beam that +crossed the ceiling, and reddening the square panes of the windows in +their panelled recesses. Between these were rows of books,--attractive +books in chased bindings, red and blue; books that appealed to be taken +down and read. There was a table covered with reviews and magazines in +neat piles, and a lamp so shaded as to throw its light only on the white +blotter of the pad. Two easy chairs, covered with flowered chintz, were +ranged before the fire, in one of which I sank, much bewildered, upon +being urged to do so. + +I utterly failed to recognize "Alonzo" in this new atmosphere. And he +had, moreover, dropped the subtly sarcastic manner I was wont to +associate with him. + +"Jolly old house, isn't it?" he observed, as though I had casually +dropped in on him for a chat; and he stood, with his hands behind him +stretched to the blaze, looking down at me. "It was built by a certain +Colonel Draper, who fought at Louisburg, and afterwards fled to England +at the time of the Revolution. He couldn't stand the patriots, I'm not +so sure that I blame him, either. Are you interested in colonial things, +Mr. Paret?" + +I said I was. If the question had concerned Aztec relics my answer would +undoubtedly have been the same. And I watched him, dazedly, while he +took down a silver porringer from the shallow mantel shelf. + +"It's not a Revere," he said, in a slightly apologetic tone as though to +forestall a comment, "but it's rather good, I think. I picked it up at a +sale in Dorchester. But I have never been able to identify the coat of +arms." + +He showed me a ladle, with the names of "Patience and William Simpson" +engraved quaintly thereon, and took down other articles in which I +managed to feign an interest. Finally he seated himself in the chair +opposite, crossed his feet, putting the tips of his fingers together and +gazing into the fire. + +"So you thought you could fool me," he said, at length. + +I became aware of the ticking of a great clock in the corner. My mouth +was dry. + +"I am going to forgive you," he went on, more gravely, "for several +reasons. I don't flatter, as you know. It's because you carried out the +thing so perfectly that I am led to think you have a gift that may be +cultivated, Paret. You wrote that theme in the way Peters would have +written it if he had not been--what shall I say?--scripturally +inarticulate. And I trust it may do you some good if I say it was +something of a literary achievement, if not a moral one." + +"Thank you, sir," I faltered. + +"Have you ever," he inquired, lapsing a little into his lecture-room +manner, "seriously thought of literature as a career? Have you ever +thought of any career seriously?" + +"I once wished to be a writer, sir," I replied tremulously, but refrained +from telling him of my father's opinion of the profession. Ambition--a +purer ambition than I had known for years--leaped within me at his words. +He, Alonzo Cheyne, had detected in me the Promethean fire! + +I sat there until ten o'clock talking to the real Mr. Cheyne, a human Mr. +Cheyne unknown in the lecture-room. Nor had I suspected one in whom +cynicism and distrust of undergraduates (of my sort) seemed so ingrained, +of such idealism. He did not pour it out in preaching; delicately, +unobtrusively and on the whole rather humorously he managed to present to +me in a most disillusionizing light that conception of the university +held by me and my intimate associates. After I had left him I walked the +quiet streets to behold as through dissolving mists another Harvard, and +there trembled in my soul like the birth-struggle of a flame something of +the vision later to be immortalized by St. Gaudens, the spirit of Harvard +responding to the spirit of the Republic--to the call of Lincoln, who +voiced it. The place of that bronze at the corner of Boston Common was +as yet empty, but I have since stood before it to gaze in wonder at the +light shining in darkness on mute, uplifted faces, black faces! at +Harvard's son leading them on that the light might live and prevail. + +I, too, longed for a Cause into which I might fling myself, in which I +might lose myself... I halted on the sidewalk to find myself staring +from the opposite side of the street at a familiar house, my old +landlady's, Mrs. Bolton's, and summoned up before me was the tired, +smiling face of Hermann Krebs. Was it because when he had once spoken so +crudely of the University I had seen the reflection of her spirit in his +eyes? A light still burned in the extension roof--Krebs's light; another +shone dimly through the ground glass of the front door. Obeying a sudden +impulse, I crossed the street. + +Mrs. Bolton, in the sky-blue wrapper, and looking more forbidding than +ever, answered the bell. Life had taught her to be indifferent to +surprises, and it was I who became abruptly embarrassed. + +"Oh, it's you, Mr. Paret," she said, as though I had been a frequent +caller. I had never once darkened her threshold since I had left her +house. + +"Yes," I answered, and hesitated.... "Is Mr. Krebs in?" + +"Well," she replied in a lifeless tone, which nevertheless had in it a +touch of bitterness, "I guess there's no reason why you and your friends +should have known he was sick." + +"Sick!" I repeated. "Is he very sick?" + +"I calculate he'll pull through," she said. "Sunday the doctor gave him +up. And no wonder! He hasn't had any proper food since he's be'n here!" +She paused, eyeing me. "If you'll excuse me, Mr. Paret, I was just going +up to him when you rang." + +"Certainly," I replied awkwardly. "Would you be so kind as to tell him-- +when he's well enough--that I came to see him, and that I'm sorry?" + +There was another pause, and she stood with a hand defensively clutching +the knob. + +"Yes, I'll tell him," she said. + +With a sense of having been baffled, I turned away. + +Walking back toward the Yard my attention was attracted by a slowly +approaching cab whose occupants were disturbing the quiet of the night +with song. + +"Shollity--'tis wine, 'tis wine, that makesh--shollity." + +The vehicle drew up in front of a new and commodious building,--I believe +the first of those designed to house undergraduates who were willing to +pay for private bathrooms and other modern luxuries; out of one window of +the cab protruded a pair of shoeless feet, out of the other a hatless +head I recognized as belonging to Tom Peters; hence I surmised that the +feet were his also. The driver got down from the box, and a lively +argument was begun inside--for there were other occupants--as to how Mr. +Peters was to be disembarked; and I gathered from his frequent references +to the "Shgyptian obelisk" that the engineering problem presented struck +him as similar to the unloading of Cleopatra's Needle. + +"Careful, careful!" he cautioned, as certain expelling movements began +from within, "Easy, Ham, you jam-fool, keep the door shut, y'll break +me." + +"Now, Jerry, all heave sh'gether!" exclaimed a voice from the blackness +of the interior. + +"Will ye wait a minute, Mr. Durrett, sir?" implored the cabdriver. +"You'll be after ruining me cab entirely." (Loud roars and vigorous +resistance from the obelisk, the cab rocking violently.) "This gintleman" +(meaning me) "will have him by the head, and I'll get hold of his feet, +sir." Which he did, after a severe kick in the stomach. + +"Head'sh all right, Martin." + +"To be sure it is, Mr. Peters. Now will ye rest aisy awhile, sir?" + +"I'm axphyxiated," cried another voice from the darkness, the mined voice +of Jerome Kyme, our classmate. + +"Get the tackles under him!" came forth in commanding tones from +Conybear. + +In the meantime many windows had been raised and much gratuitous advice +was being given. The three occupants of the cab's seat who had +previously clamoured for Mr. Peters' removal, now inconsistently resisted +it; suddenly he came out with a jerk, and we had him fairly upright on +the pavement minus a collar and tie and the buttons of his evening +waistcoat. Those who remained in the cab engaged in a riotous game of +hunt the slipper, while Tom peered into the dark interior, observing +gravely the progress of the sport. First flew out an overcoat and a +much-battered hat, finally the pumps, all of which in due time were +adjusted to his person, and I started home with him, with much parting +counsel from the other three. + +"Whereinell were you, Hughie?" he inquired. "Hunted all over for you. +Had a sousin' good time. Went to Babcock's--had champagne--then to see +Babesh in--th'--Woods. Ham knows one of the Babesh had supper with four +of 'em. Nice Babesh!" + +"For heaven's sake don't step on me again!" I cried. + +"Sh'poloshize, old man. But y'know I'm William Shakespheare. C'n do +what I damplease." He halted in the middle of the street and recited +dramatically:-- + + "'Not marble, nor th' gilded monuments + Of prinches sh'll outlive m' powerful rhyme.'" + +"How's that, Alonzho, b'gosh?" + +"Where did you learn it?" I demanded, momentarily forgetting his +condition. + +"Fr'm Ralph," he replied, "says I wrote it. Can't remember...." + +After I had got him to bed,--a service I had learned to perform with more +or less proficiency,--I sat down to consider the events of the evening, +to attempt to get a proportional view. The intensity of my disgust was +not hypocritical as I gazed through the open door into the bedroom and +recalled the times when I, too, had been in that condition. Tom Peters +drunk, and sleeping it off, was deplorable, without doubt; but Hugh Paret +drunk was detestable, and had no excuse whatever. Nor did I mean by this +to set myself on a higher ethical plane, for I felt nothing but despair +and humility. In my state of clairvoyance I perceived that he was a +better man, than I, and that his lapses proceeded from a love of liquor +and the transcendent sense of good-fellowship that liquor brings. + + + + +VII. + +The crisis through which I passed at Cambridge, inaugurated by the events +I have just related, I find very difficult to portray. It was a +religious crisis, of course, and my most pathetic memory concerning it is +of the vain attempts to connect my yearnings and discontents with the +theology I had been taught; I began in secret to read my Bible, yet +nothing I hit upon seemed to point a way out of my present predicament, +to give any definite clew to the solution of my life. I was not mature +enough to reflect that orthodoxy was a Sunday religion unrelated to a +world whose wheels were turned by the motives of self-interest; that it +consisted of ideals not deemed practical, since no attempt was made to +put them into practice in the only logical manner,--by reorganizing +civilization to conform with them. The implication was that the Christ +who had preached these ideals was not practical.... There were +undoubtedly men in the faculty of the University who might have helped me +had I known of them; who might have given me, even at that time, a clew +to the modern, logical explanation of the Bible as an immortal record of +the thoughts and acts of men who had sought to do just what I was seeking +to do,--connect the religious impulse to life and make it fruitful in +life: an explanation, by the way, a thousand-fold more spiritual than the +old. But I was hopelessly entangled in the meshes of the mystic, the +miraculous and supernatural. If I had analyzed my yearnings, I might +have realized that I wanted to renounce the life I had been leading, not +because it was sinful, but because it was aimless. I had not learned +that the Greek word for sin is "a missing of the mark." Just +aimlessness! I had been stirred with the desire to perform some service +for which the world would be grateful: to write great literature, +perchance. But it had never been suggested to me that such swellings of +the soul are religious, that religion is that kind of feeling, of motive +power that drives the writer and the scientist, the statesman and the +sculptor as well as the priest and the Prophet to serve mankind for the +joy of serving: that religion is creative, or it is nothing: not +mechanical, not a force imposed from without, but a driving power within. +The "religion" I had learned was salvation from sin by miracle: sin a +deliberate rebellion, not a pathetic missing of the mark of life; useful +service of man, not the wandering of untutored souls who had not been +shown the way. I felt religious. I wanted to go to church, I wanted to +maintain, when it was on me, that exaltation I dimly felt as communion +with a higher power, with God, and which also was identical with my +desire to write, to create.... + +I bought books, sets of Wordsworth and Keats, of Milton and Shelley and +Shakespeare, and hid them away in my bureau drawers lest Tom and my +friends should see them. These too I read secretly, making excuses for +not joining in the usual amusements. Once I walked to Mrs. Bolton's and +inquired rather shamefacedly for Hermann Krebs, only to be informed that +he had gone out.... There were lapses, of course, when I went off on the +old excursions,--for the most part the usual undergraduate follies, +though some were of a more serious nature; on these I do not care to +dwell. Sex was still a mystery.... Always I awoke afterwards to bitter +self-hatred and despair.... But my work in English improved, and I +earned the commendation and friendship of Mr. Cheyne. With a wisdom for +which I was grateful he was careful not to give much sign of it in +classes, but the fact that he was "getting soft on me" was evident enough +to be regarded with suspicion. Indeed the state into which I had fallen +became a matter of increasing concern to my companions, who tried every +means from ridicule to sympathy, to discover its cause and shake me out +of it. The theory most accepted was that I was in love. + +"Come on now, Hughie--tell me who she is. I won't give you away," Tom +would beg. Once or twice, indeed, I had imagined I was in love with the +sisters of Boston classmates whose dances I attended; to these parties +Tom, not having overcome his diffidence in respect to what he called +"social life," never could be induced to go. + +It was Ralph who detected the true cause of my discontent. Typical as no +other man I can recall of the code to which we had dedicated ourselves, +the code that moulded the important part of the undergraduate world and +defied authority, he regarded any defection from it in the light of +treason. An instructor, in a fit of impatience, had once referred to him +as the Mephistopheles of his class; he had fatal attractions, and a +remarkable influence. His favourite pastime was the capricious exercise +of his will on weaker characters, such as his cousin, Ham Durrett; if +they "swore off," Ralph made it his business to get them drunk again, and +having accomplished this would proceed himself to administer a new oath +and see that it was kept. Alcohol seemed to have no effect whatever on +him. Though he was in the class above me, I met him frequently at a club +to which I had the honour to belong, then a suite of rooms over a shop +furnished with a pool and a billiard table, easy-chairs and a bar. It +has since achieved the dignity of a house of its own. + +We were having, one evening, a "religious" argument, Cinibar, Laurens and +myself and some others. I can't recall how it began; I think Cinibar had +attacked the institution of compulsory chapel, which nobody defended; +there was something inherently wrong, he maintained, with a religion to +which men had to be driven against their wills. Somewhat to my surprise +I found myself defending a Christianity out of which I had been able to +extract but little comfort and solace. Neither Laurens nor Conybear, +however, were for annihilating it: although they took the other side of +the discussion of a subject of which none of us knew anything, their +attacks were but half-hearted; like me, they were still under the spell +exerted by a youthful training. + +We were all of us aware of Ralph, who sat at some distance looking over +the pages of an English sporting weekly. Presently he flung it down. + +"Haven't you found out yet that man created God, Hughie?" he inquired. +"And even if there were a personal God, what reason have you to think +that man would be his especial concern, or any concern of his whatever? +The discovery of evolution has knocked your Christianity into a cocked +hat." + +I don't remember how I answered him. In spite of the superficiality of +his own arguments, which I was not learned enough to detect, I was +ingloriously routed. Darwin had kicked over the bucket, and that was all +there was to it.... After we had left the club both Conybear and Laurens +admitted they were somewhat disturbed, declaring that Ralph had gone too +far. I spent a miserable night, recalling the naturalistic assertions he +had made so glibly, asking myself again and again how it was that the +religion to which I so vainly clung had no greater effect on my actions +and on my will, had not prevented me from lapses into degradation. And I +hated myself for having argued upon a subject that was still sacred. I +believed in Christ, which is to say that I believed that in some +inscrutable manner he existed, continued to dominate the world and had +suffered on my account. + +To whom should I go now for a confirmation of my wavering beliefs? One +of the results--it will be remembered of religion as I was taught it was +a pernicious shyness, and even though I had found a mentor and confessor, +I might have hesitated to unburden myself. This would be different from +arguing with Ralph Hambleton. In my predicament, as I was wandering +through the yard, I came across a notice of an evening talk to students +in Holder Chapel, by a clergyman named Phillips Brooks. This was before +the time, let me say in passing, when his sermons at Harvard were +attended by crowds of undergraduates. Well, I stood staring at the +notice, debating whether I should go, trying to screw up my courage; for +I recognized clearly that such a step, if it were to be of any value, +must mean a distinct departure from my present mode of life; and I recall +thinking with a certain revulsion that I should have to "turn good." My +presence at the meeting would be known the next day to all my friends, +for the idea of attending a religious gathering when one was not forced +to do so by the authorities was unheard of in our set. I should be +classed with the despised "pious ones" who did such things regularly. I +shrank from the ridicule. I had, however, heard of Mr. Brooks from Ned +Symonds, who was by no means of the pious type, and whose parents +attended Mr. Brooks's church in Boston.... I left my decision in +abeyance. But when evening came I stole away from the club table, on the +plea of an engagement, and made my way rapidly toward Holder Chapel. I +had almost reached it--when I caught a glimpse of Symonds and of some +others approaching,--and I went on, to turn again. By this time the +meeting, which was in a room on the second floor, had already begun. +Palpitating, I climbed the steps; the door of the room was slightly ajar; +I looked in; I recall a distinct sensation of surprise,--the atmosphere +of that meeting was so different from what I had expected. Not a "pious" +atmosphere at all! I saw a very tall and heavy gentleman, dressed in +black, who sat, wholly at ease, on the table! One hand was in his +pocket, one foot swung clear of the ground; and he was not preaching, but +talking in an easy, conversational tone to some forty young men who sat +intent on his words. I was too excited to listen to what he was saying, +I was making a vain attempt to classify him. But I remember the thought, +for it struck me with force,--that if Christianity were so thoroughly +discredited by evolution, as Ralph Hambleton and other agnostics would +have one believe, why should this remarkably sane and able-looking person +be standing up for it as though it were still an established and +incontrovertible fact? + +He had not, certainly, the air of a dupe or a sentimentalist, but +inspired confidence by his very personality. Youthlike, I watched him +narrowly for flaws, for oratorical tricks, for all kinds of histrionic +symptoms. Again I was near the secret; again it escaped me. The +argument for Christianity lay not in assertions about it, but in being +it. This man was Christianity.... I must have felt something of this, +even though I failed to formulate it. And unconsciously I contrasted his +strength, which reinforced the atmosphere of the room, with that of Ralph +Hambleton, who was, a greater influence over me than I have recorded, and +had come to sway me more and more, as he had swayed others. The strength +of each was impressive, yet this Mr. Brooks seemed to me the bodily +presentment of a set of values which I would have kept constantly before +my eyes.... I felt him drawing me, overcoming my hesitation, belittling +my fear of ridicule. I began gently to open the door--when something +happened,--one of those little things that may change the course of a +life. The door made little noise, yet one of the men sitting in the back +of the room chanced to look around, and I recognized Hermann Krebs. His +face was still sunken from his recent illness. Into his eyes seemed to +leap a sudden appeal, an appeal to which my soul responded yet I hurried +down the stairs and into the street. Instantly I regretted my retreat, I +would have gone back, but lacked the courage; and I strayed unhappily for +hours, now haunted by that look of Krebs, now wondering what the +remarkably sane-looking and informal clergyman whose presence dominated +the little room had been talking about. I never learned, but I did live +to read his biography, to discover what he might have talked about,--for +he if any man believed that life and religion are one, and preached +consecration to life's task. + +Of little use to speculate whether the message, had I learned it then, +would have fortified and transformed me! + +In spite of the fact that I was unable to relate to a satisfying +conception of religion my new-born determination, I made up my mind, at +least, to renounce my tortuous ways. I had promised my father to be a +lawyer; I would keep my promise, I would give the law a fair trial; later +on, perhaps, I might demonstrate an ability to write. All very +praiseworthy! The season was Lent, a fitting time for renunciations and +resolves. Although I had more than once fallen from grace, I believed +myself at last to have settled down on my true course--when something +happened. The devil interfered subtly, as usual--now in the person of +Jerry Kyme. It should be said in justice to Jerry that he did not look +the part. He had sunny-red, curly hair, mischievous blue eyes with long +lashes, and he harboured no respect whatever for any individual or +institution, sacred or profane; he possessed, however, a shrewd sense of +his own value, as many innocent and unsuspecting souls discovered as +early as our freshman year, and his method of putting down the +presumptuous was both effective and unique. If he liked you, there could +be no mistake about it. + +One evening when I was engaged in composing a theme for Mr. Cheyne on no +less a subject than the interpretation of the work of William Wordsworth, +I found myself unexpectedly sprawling on the floor, in my descent kicking +the table so vigorously as to send the ink-well a foot or two toward the +ceiling. This, be it known, was a typical proof of Jerry's esteem. For +he had entered noiselessly, jerking the back of my chair, which chanced +to be tilted, and stood with his hands in his pockets, surveying the ruin +he had wrought, watching the ink as it trickled on the carpet. Then he +picked up the book. + +"Poetry, you darned old grind!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "Say, Parry, I +don't know what's got into you, but I want you to come home with me for +the Easter holidays. It'll do you good. We'll be on the Hudson, you +know, and we'll manage to make life bearable somehow." + +I forgot my irritation, in sheer surprise. + +"Why, that's mighty good of you, Jerry--" I began, struggling to my feet. + +"Oh, rot!" he exclaimed. "I shouldn't ask you if I didn't want you." + +There was no denying the truth of this, and after he had gone I sat for a +long time with my pen in my mouth, reflecting as to whether or not I +should go. For I had the instinct that here was another cross-roads, +that more depended on my decision than I cared to admit. But even then I +knew what I should do. Ridiculous not to--I told myself. How could a +week or ten days with Jerry possibly affect my newborn, resolve? + +Yet the prospect, now, of a visit to the Kymes' was by no means so +glowing as it once would have been. For I had seen visions, I had +dreamed dreams, beheld a delectable country of my very own. A year ago-- +nay, even a month ago--how such an invitation would have glittered!... I +returned at length to my theme, over which, before Jerry's arrival, I had +been working feverishly. But now the glamour had gone from it. + +Presently Tom came in. + +"Anyone been here?" he demanded. + +"Jerry," I told him. + +"What did he want?" + +"He wanted me to go home with him at Easter." + +"You're going, of course." + +"I don't know. I haven't decided." + +"You'd be a fool not to," was Tom's comment. It voiced, succinctly, a +prevailing opinion. + +It was the conclusion I arrived at in my own mind. But just why I had +been chosen for the honour, especially at such a time, was a riddle. +Jerry's invitations were charily given, and valued accordingly; and more +than once, at our table, I had felt a twinge of envy when Conybear or +someone else had remarked, with the proper nonchalance, in answer to a +question, that they were going to Weathersfield. Such was the name of +the Kyme place.... + +I shall never forget the impression made on me by the decorous luxury of +that big house, standing amidst its old trees, halfway up the gentle +slope that rose steadily from the historic highway where poor Andre was +captured. I can see now the heavy stone pillars of its portico vignetted +in a flush of tenderest green, the tulips just beginning to flame forth +their Easter colours in the well-kept beds, the stately, well-groomed +evergreens, the vivid lawns, the clipped hedges. And like an +overwhelming wave of emotion that swept all before it, the impressiveness +of wealth took possession of me. For here was a kind of wealth I had +never known, that did not exist in the West, nor even in the still +Puritan environs of Boston where I had visited. It took itself for +granted, proclaimed itself complacently to have solved all problems. By +ignoring them, perhaps. But I was too young to guess this. It was order +personified, gaining effect at every turn by a multitude of details too +trivial to mention were it not for the fact that they entered deeply into +my consciousness, until they came to represent, collectively, the very +flower of achievement. It was a wealth that accepted tribute calmly, as +of inherent right. Law and tradition defended its sanctity more +effectively than troops. Literature descended from her high altar to +lend it dignity; and the long, silent library displayed row upon row of +the masters, appropriately clad in morocco or calf,--Smollett, Macaulay, +Gibbon, Richardson, Fielding, Scott, Dickens, Irving and Thackeray, as +though each had striven for a tablet here. Art had denied herself that +her canvases might be hung on these walls; and even the Church, on that +first Sunday of my visit, forgot the blood of her martyrs that she might +adorn an appropriate niche in the setting. The clergyman, at one of the +dinner parties, gravely asked a blessing as upon an Institution that +included and absorbed all other institutions in its being.... + +The note of that house was a tempered gaiety. Guests arrived from New +York, spent the night and departed again without disturbing the even +tenor of its ways. Unobtrusive servants ministered to their wants,--and +to mine.... + +Conybear was there, and two classmates from Boston, and we were treated +with the amiable tolerance accorded to college youths and intimates of +the son of the house. One night there was a dance in our honour. Nor +have I forgotten Jerry's sister, Nathalie, whom I had met at Class Days, +a slim and willowy, exotic young lady of the Botticelli type, with a +crown of burnished hair, yet more suggestive of a hothouse than of +spring. She spoke English with a French accent. Capricious, impulsive, +she captured my interest because she put a high value on her favour; she +drove me over the hills, informing me at length that I was sympathique-- +different from the rest; in short, she emphasized and intensified what I +may call the Weathersfield environment, stirred up in me new and vague +aspirations that troubled yet excited me. + +Then there was Mrs. Kyme, a pretty, light-hearted lady, still young, who +seemed to have no intention of growing older, who romped and played songs +for us on the piano. The daughter of an old but now impecunious +Westchester family, she had been born to adorn the position she held, she +was adapted by nature to wring from it the utmost of the joys it offered. +From her, rather than from her husband, both of the children seemed to +have inherited. I used to watch Mr. Grosvenor Kyme as he sat at the end +of the dinner-table, dark, preoccupied, taciturn, symbolical of a wealth +new to my experience, and which had about it a certain fabulous quality. +It toiled not, neither did it spin, but grew as if by magic, day and +night, until the very conception of it was overpowering. What must it be +to have had ancestors who had been clever enough to sit still until a +congested and discontented Europe had begun to pour its thousands and +hundreds of thousands into the gateway of the western world, until that +gateway had become a metropolis? ancestors, of course, possessing what +now suddenly appeared to me as the most desirable of gifts--since it +reaped so dazzling a harvest-business foresight. From time to time these +ancestors had continued to buy desirable corners, which no amount of +persuasion had availed to make them relinquish. Lease them, yes; sell +them, never! By virtue of such a system wealth was as inevitable as +human necessity; and the thought of human necessity did not greatly +bother me. Mr. Kyme's problem of life was not one of making money, but +of investing it. One became automatically a personage.... + +It was due to one of those singular coincidences--so interesting a +subject for speculation--that the man who revealed to me this golden +romance of the Kyme family was none other than a resident of my own city, +Mr. Theodore Watling, now become one of our most important and +influential citizens; a corporation lawyer, new and stimulating +qualification, suggesting as it did, a deus ex machina of great affairs. +That he, of all men, should come to Weathersfield astonished me, since I +was as yet to make the connection between that finished, decorous, +secluded existence and the source of its being. The evening before my +departure he arrived in company with two other gentlemen, a Mr. Talbot +and a Mr. Saxes, whose names were spoken with respect in a sphere of +which I had hitherto taken but little cognizance-Wall Street. Conybear +informed me that they were "magnates,"... We were sitting in the +drawing-room at tea, when they entered with Mr. Watling, and no sooner +had he spoken to Mrs. Kyme than his quick eye singled me out of the +group. + +"Why, Hugh!" he exclaimed, taking my hand. "I had no idea I should meet +you here--I saw your father only last week, the day I left home." And he +added, turning to Mrs. Kyme, "Hugh is the son of Mr. Matthew Paret, who +has been the leader of our bar for many years." + +The recognition and the tribute to my father were so graciously given +that I warmed with gratitude and pride, while Mr. Kyme smiled a little, +remarking that I was a friend of Jerry's. Theodore Watling, for being +here, had suddenly assumed in my eyes a considerable consequence, though +the note he struck in that house was a strange one. It was, however, his +own note, and had a certain distinction, a ring of independence, of the +knowledge of self-worth. Dinner at Weathersfield we youngsters had +usually found rather an oppressive ceremony, with its shaded lights and +precise ritual over which Mr. Kyme presided like a high priest; +conversation had been restrained. That night, as Johnnie Laurens +afterwards expressed it, "things loosened up," and Mr. Watling was +responsible for the loosening. Taking command of the Kyme dinner table +appeared to me to be no mean achievement, but this is just what he did, +without being vulgar or noisy or assertive. Suavitar in modo, forbiter +in re. If, as I watched him there with a newborn pride and loyalty, I +had paused to reconstruct the idea that the mention of his name would +formerly have evoked, I suppose I should have found him falling short of +my notion of a gentleman; it had been my father's opinion; but Mr. +Watling's marriage to Gene Hollister's aunt had given him a standing with +us at home. He possessed virility, vitality in a remarkable degree, yet +some elusive quality that was neither tact nor delicacy--though related +to these differentiated him from the commonplace, self-made man of +ability. He was just off the type. To liken him to a clothing store +model of a well-built, broad-shouldered man with a firm neck, a handsome, +rather square face not lacking in colour and a conventional, drooping +moustache would be slanderous; yet he did suggest it. Suggesting it, he +redeemed it: and the middle western burr in his voice was rather +attractive than otherwise. He had not so much the air of belonging +there, as of belonging anywhere--one of those anomalistic American +citizens of the world who go abroad and make intimates of princes. +Before the meal was over he had inspired me with loyalty and pride, +enlisted the admiration of Jerry and Conybear and Johnnie Laurens; we +followed him into the smoking-room, sitting down in a row on a leather +lounge behind our elders. + +Here, now that the gentlemen were alone, there was an inspiring largeness +in their talk that fired the imagination. The subject was investments, +at first those of coal and iron in my own state, for Mr. Watling, it +appeared, was counsel for the Boyne Iron Works. + +"It will pay you to keep an eye on that company, Mr. Kyme," he said, +knocking the ashes from his cigar. "Now that old Mr. Durrett's gone--" + +"You don't mean to say Nathaniel Durrett's dead!" said Mr. Kyme. + +The lawyer nodded. + +"The old regime passed with him. Adolf Scherer succeeds him, and you may +take my word for it, he's a coming man. Mr. Durrett, who was a judge of +men, recognized that. Scherer was an emigrant, he had ideas, and rose to +be a foreman. For the last few years Mr. Durrett threw everything on his +shoulders...." + +Little by little the scope of the discussion was enlarged until it ranged +over a continent, touching lightly upon lines of railroad, built or +projected, across the great west our pioneers had so lately succeeded in +wresting from the savages, upon mines of copper and gold hidden away +among the mountains, and millions of acres of forest and grazing lands +which a complacent government would relinquish provided certain +technicalities were met: touching lightly, too, very lightly,--upon +senators and congressmen at Washington. And for the first time I learned +that not the least of the functions of these representatives of the +people was to act as the medium between capital and investment, to +facilitate the handing over of the Republic's resources to those in a +position to develop them. The emphasis was laid on development, or +rather on the resulting prosperity for the country: that was the +justification, and it was taken for granted as supreme. Nor was it new +to me; this cult of prosperity. I recalled the torch-light processions +of the tariff enthusiasts of my childhood days, my father's championship +of the Republican Party. He had not idealized politicians, either. For +the American, politics and ethics were strangers. + +Thus I listened with increasing fascination to these gentlemen in evening +clothes calmly treating the United States as a melon patch that existed +largely for the purpose of being divided up amongst a limited and favored +number of persons. I had a feeling of being among the initiated. Where, +it may be asked, were my ideals? Let it not be supposed that I believed +myself to have lost them. If so, the impression I have given of myself +has been wholly inadequate. No, they had been transmuted, that is all, +transmuted by the alchemy of Weathersfield, by the personality of +Theodore Watling into brighter visions. My eyes rarely left his face; I +hung on his talk, which was interspersed with native humour, though he +did not always join in the laughter, sometimes gazing at the fire, as +though his keen mind were grappling with a problem suggested. I noted +the respect in which his opinions were held, and my imagination was fired +by an impression of the power to be achieved by successful men of his +profession, by the evidence of their indispensability to capital +itself.... At last when the gentlemen rose and were leaving the room, +Mr. Watling lingered, with his hand on my arm. + +"Of course you're going through the Law School, Hugh," he said. + +"Yes, sir," I replied. + +"Good!" he exclaimed emphatically. "The law, to-day, is more of a career +than ever, especially for a young man with your antecedents and +advantages, and I know of no city in the United States where I would +rather start practice, if I were a young man, than ours. In the next +twenty years we shall see a tremendous growth. Of course you'll be going +into your father's office. You couldn't do better. But I'll keep an eye +on you, and perhaps I'll be able to help you a little, too." + +I thanked him gratefully. + +A famous artist, who started out in youth to embrace a military career +and who failed to pass an examination at West Point, is said to have +remarked that if silicon had been a gas he would have been a soldier. I +am afraid I may have given the impression that if I had not gone to +Weathersfield and encountered Mr. Watling I might not have been a lawyer. +This impression would be misleading. And while it is certain that I have +not exaggerated the intensity of the spiritual experience I went through +at Cambridge, a somewhat belated consideration for the truth compels me +to register my belief that the mood would in any case have been +ephemeral. The poison generated by the struggle of my nature with its +environment had sunk too deep, and the very education that was supposed +to make a practical man of me had turned me into a sentimentalist. I +became, as will be seen, anything but a practical man in the true sense, +though the world in which I had been brought up and continued to live +deemed me such. My father was greatly pleased when I wrote him that I +was now more than ever convinced of the wisdom of choosing the law as my +profession, and was satisfied that I had come to my senses at last. He +had still been prepared to see me "go off at a tangent," as he expressed +it. On the other hand, the powerful effect of the appeal made by +Weathersfield and Mr. Watling must not be underestimated. Here in one +object lesson was emphasized a host of suggestions each of which had made +its impression. And when I returned to Cambridge Alonzo Cheyne knew that +he had lost me.... + +I pass over the rest of my college course, and the years I spent at the +Harvard Law School, where were instilled into me without difficulty the +dictums that the law was the most important of all professions, that +those who entered it were a priestly class set aside to guard from +profanation that Ark of the Covenant, the Constitution of the United +States. In short, I was taught law precisely as I had been taught +religion,--scriptural infallibility over again,--a static law and a +static theology,--a set of concepts that were supposed to be equal to any +problems civilization would have to meet until the millennium. What we +are wont to call wisdom is often naively innocent of impending change. +It has no barometric properties. + +I shall content myself with relating one incident only of this period. +In the January of my last year I went with a party of young men and girls +to stay over Sunday at Beverly Farms, where Mrs. Fremantle--a young +Boston matron had opened her cottage for the occasion. This "cottage," a +roomy, gabled structure, stood on a cliff, at the foot of which roared +the wintry Atlantic, while we danced and popped corn before the open +fires. During the daylight hours we drove about the country in sleighs, +or made ridiculous attempts to walk on snow-shoes. + +On Sunday afternoon, left temporarily to my own devices, I wandered along +the cliff, crossing into the adjoining property. The wind had fallen; +the waves, much subdued, broke rhythmically against the rocks; during the +night a new mantle of snow had been spread, and the clouds were still low +and menacing. As I strolled I became aware of a motionless figure ahead +of me,--one that seemed oddly familiar; the set of the shabby overcoat on +the stooping shoulders, the unconscious pose contributed to a certain +sharpness of individuality; in the act of challenging my memory, I +halted. The man was gazing at the seascape, and his very absorption gave +me a sudden and unfamiliar thrill. The word absorption precisely +expresses my meaning, for he seemed indeed to have become a part of his +surroundings,--an harmonious part. Presently he swung about and looked +at me as though he had expected to find me there--and greeted me by name. + +"Krebs!" I exclaimed. + +He smiled, and flung out his arm, indicating the scene. His eyes at that +moment seemed to reflect the sea,--they made the gaunt face suddenly +beautiful. + +"This reminds me of a Japanese print," he said. + +The words, or the tone in which he spoke, curiously transformed the +picture. It was as if I now beheld it, anew, through his vision: the +grey water stretching eastward to melt into the grey sky, the massed, +black trees on the hillside, powdered with white, the snow in rounded, +fantastic patches on the huge boulders at the foot of the cliff. Krebs +did not seem like a stranger, but like one whom I had known always,--one +who stood in a peculiar relationship between me and something greater I +could not define. The impression was fleeting, but real.... I remember +wondering how he could have known anything about Japanese prints. + +"I didn't think you were still in this part of the country," I remarked +awkwardly. + +"I'm a reporter on a Boston newspaper, and I've been sent up here to +interview old Mr. Dome, who lives in that house," and he pointed to a +roof above the trees. "There is a rumour, which I hope to verify, that +he has just given a hundred thousand dollars to the University." + +"And--won't he see you?" + +"At present he's taking a nap," said Krebs. "He comes here occasionally +for a rest." + +"Do you like interviewing?" I asked. + +He smiled again. + +"Well, I see a good many different kinds of people, and that's +interesting." + +"But--being a reporter?" I persisted. + +This continued patronage was not a conscious expression of superiority on +my part, but he did not seem to resent it. He had aroused my curiosity. + +"I'm going into the law," he said. + +The quiet confidence with which he spoke aroused, suddenly, a twinge of +antagonism. He had every right to go into the law, of course, and +yet!... my query would have made it evident to me, had I been +introspective in those days, that the germ of the ideal of the +profession, implanted by Mr. Watling, was expanding. Were not +influential friends necessary for the proper kind of career? and where +were Krebs's? In spite of the history of Daniel Webster and a long line +of American tradition, I felt an incongruity in my classmate's +aspiration. And as he stood there, gaunt and undoubtedly hungry, his +eyes kindling, I must vaguely have classed him with the revolutionaries +of all the ages; must have felt in him, instinctively, a menace to the +stability of that Order with which I had thrown my fortunes. And yet +there were comparatively poor men in the Law School itself who had not +made me feel this way! He had impressed me against my will, taken me by +surprise, commiseration had been mingled with other feelings that sprang +out of the memory of the night I had called on him, when he had been +sick. Now I resented something in him which Tom Peters had called +"crust." + +"The law!" I repeated. "Why?" + +"Well," he said, "even when I was a boy, working at odd jobs, I used to +think if I could ever be a lawyer I should have reached the top notch of +human dignity." + +Once more his smile disarmed me. + +"And now" I asked curiously. + +"You see, it was an ideal with me, I suppose. My father was responsible +for that. He had the German temperament of '48, and when he fled to this +country, he expected to find Utopia." The smile emerged again, like the +sun shining through clouds, while fascination and antagonism again +struggled within me. "And then came frightful troubles. For years he +could get only enough work to keep him and my mother alive, but he never +lost his faith in America. `It is man,' he would say, `man has to grow +up to it--to liberty.' Without the struggle, liberty would be worth +nothing. And he used to tell me that we must all do our part, we who had +come here, and not expect everything to be done for us. He had made that +mistake. If things were bad, why, put a shoulder to the wheel and help +to make them better. + +"That helped me," he continued, after a moment's pause. "For I've seen a +good many things, especially since I've been working for a newspaper. +I've seen, again and again, the power of the law turned against those +whom it was intended to protect, I've seen lawyers who care a great deal +more about winning cases than they do about justice, who prostitute their +profession to profit making,--profit making for themselves and others. +And they are often the respectable lawyers, too, men of high standing, +whom you would not think would do such things. They are on the side of +the powerful, and the best of them are all retained by rich men and +corporations. And what is the result? One of the worst evils, I think, +that can befall a country. The poor man goes less and less to the +courts. He is getting bitter, which is bad, which is dangerous. But men +won't see it." + +It was on my tongue to refute this, to say that everybody had a chance. +I could indeed recall many arguments that had been drilled into me; +quotations, even, from court decisions. But something prevented me from +doing this,--something in his manner, which was neither argumentative nor +combative. + +"That's why I am going into the law," he added. "And I intend to stay in +it if I can keep alive. It's a great chance for me--for all of us. +Aren't you at the Law School?" + +I nodded. Once more, as his earnest glance fell upon me, came that +suggestion of a subtle, inexplicable link between us; but before I could +reply, steps were heard behind us, and an elderly servant, bareheaded, +was seen coming down the path. + +"Are you the reporter?" he demanded somewhat impatiently of Krebs. "If +you want to see Mr. Dome, you'd better come right away. He's going out +for a drive." + +For a while, after he had shaken my hand and departed, I stood in the +snow, looking after him.... + + + + +VIII + +On the Wednesday of that same week the news of my father's sudden and +serious illness came to me in a telegram, and by the time I arrived at +home it was too late to see him again alive. It was my first experience +with death, and what perplexed me continually during the following days +was an inability to feel the loss more deeply. When a child, I had been +easily shaken by the spectacle of sorrow. Had I, during recent years, as +a result of a discovery that emotions arising from human relationships +lead to discomfort and suffering, deliberately been forming a shell, +until now I was incapable of natural feelings? Of late I had seemed +closer to my father, and his letters, though formal, had given evidence +of his affection; in his repressed fashion he had made it clear that he +looked forward to the time when I was to practise with him. Why was it +then, as I gazed upon his fine features in death, that I experienced no +intensity of sorrow? What was it in me that would not break down? He +seemed worn and tired, yet I had never thought of him as weary, never +attributed to him any yearning. And now he was released. + +I wondered what had been his private thoughts about himself, his private +opinions about life; and when I reflect now upon my lack of real +knowledge at five and twenty, I am amazed at the futility of an expensive +education which had failed to impress upon me the simple, basic fact that +life was struggle; that either development or retrogression is the fate +of all men, that characters are never completely made, but always in the +making. I had merely a disconcerting glimpse of this truth, with no +powers of formulation, as I sat beside my mother in the bedroom, where +every article evoked some childhood scene. Here was the dent in the +walnut foot-board of the bed made, one wintry day, by the impact of my +box of blocks; the big arm-chair, covered with I know not what stiff +embroidery, which had served on countless occasions as a chariot driven +to victory. I even remembered how every Wednesday morning I had been +banished from the room, which had been so large a part of my childhood +universe, when Ella, the housemaid, had flung open all its windows and +crowded its furniture into the hall. + +The thought of my wanderings since then became poignant, almost +terrifying. The room, with all its memories, was unchanged. How safe I +had been within its walls! Why could I not have been, content with what +it represented? of tradition, of custom,--of religion? And what was it +within me that had lured me away from these? + +I was miserable, indeed, but my misery was not of the kind I thought it +ought to be. At moments, when my mother relapsed into weeping, I glanced +at her almost in wonder. Such sorrow as hers was incomprehensible. Once +she surprised and discomfited me by lifting her head and gazing fixedly +at me through her tears. + +I recall certain impressions of the funeral. There, among the pall- +bearers, was my Cousin Robert Breck, tears in the furrows of his cheeks. +Had he loved my father more than I? The sight of his grief moved me +suddenly and strongly.... It seemed an age since I had worked in his +store, and yet here he was still, coming to town every morning and +returning every evening to Claremore, loving his friends, and mourning +them one by one. Was this, the spectacle presented by my Cousin Robert, +the reward of earthly existence? Were there no other prizes save those +known as greatness of character and depth of human affections? Cousin +Robert looked worn and old. The other pall-bearers, men of weight, of +long standing in the community, were aged, too; Mr. Blackwood, and Mr. +Jules Hollister; and out of place, somehow, in this new church building. +It came to me abruptly that the old order was gone,--had slipped away +during my absence. The church I had known in boyhood had been torn down +to make room for a business building on Boyne Street; the edifice in +which I sat was expensive, gave forth no distinctive note; seemingly +transitory with its hybrid interior, its shiny oak and blue and red +organ-pipes, betokening a compromised and weakened faith. Nondescript, +likewise, seemed the new minister, Mr. Randlett, as he prayed unctuously +in front of the flowers massed on the platform. I vaguely resented his +laudatory references to my father. + +The old church, with its severity, had actually stood for something. It +was the Westminster Catechism in wood and stone, and Dr. Pound had been +the human incarnation of that catechism, the fit representative of a +wrathful God, a militant shepherd who had guarded with vigilance his +respectable flock, who had protested vehemently against the sins of the +world by which they were surrounded, against the "dogs, and sorcerers, +and whoremongers, and murderers and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and +maketh a lie." How Dr. Pound would have put the emphasis of the +Everlasting into those words! + +Against what was Mr. Randlett protesting? + +My glance wandered to the pews which held the committees from various +organizations, such as the Chamber of Commerce and the Bar Association, +which had come to do honour to my father. And there, differentiated from +the others, I saw the spruce, alert figure of Theodore Watling. He, too, +represented a new type and a new note,--this time a forceful note, a +secular note that had not belonged to the old church, and seemed likewise +anomalistic in the new.... + +During the long, slow journey in the carriage to the cemetery my mother +did not raise her veil. It was not until she reached out and seized my +hand, convulsively, that I realized she was still a part of my existence. + +In the days that followed I became aware that my father's death had +removed a restrictive element, that I was free now to take without +criticism or opposition whatever course in life I might desire. It may +be that I had apprehended even then that his professional ideals would +not have coincided with my own. Mingled with this sense of emancipation +was a curious feeling of regret, of mourning for something I had never +valued, something fixed and dependable for which he had stood, a rock and +a refuge of which I had never availed myself!... When his will was +opened it was found that the property had been left to my mother during +her lifetime. It was larger than I had thought, four hundred thousand +dollars, shrewdly invested, for the most part, in city real estate. My +father had been very secretive as to money matters, and my mother had no +interest in them. + +Three or four days later I received in the mail a typewritten letter +signed by Theodore Watling, expressing sympathy for my bereavement, and +asking me to drop in on him, down town, before I should leave the city. +In contrast to the somewhat dingy offices where my father had practised +in the Blackwood Block, the quarters of Watling, Fowndes and Ripon on the +eighth floor of the new Durrett Building were modern to a degree, +finished in oak and floored with marble, with a railed-off space where +young women with nimble fingers played ceaselessly on typewriters. One +of them informed me that Mr. Watling was busy, but on reading my card +added that she would take it in. Meanwhile, in company with two others +who may have been clients, I waited. This, then, was what it meant to be +a lawyer of importance, to have, like a Chesterfield, an ante-room where +clients cooled their heels and awaited one's pleasure... + +The young woman returned, and led me through a corridor to a door on +which was painted Mr. Wailing. + +I recall him tilted back in his chair in a debonnair manner beside his +polished desk, the hint of a smile on his lips; and leaning close to him +was a yellow, owl-like person whose eyes, as they turned to me, gave the +impression of having stared for years into hard, artificial lights. Mr. +Watling rose briskly. + +"How are you, Hugh?" he said, the warmth of his greeting tempered by just +the note of condolence suitable to my black clothes. "I'm glad you came. +I wanted to see you before you went back to Cambridge. I must introduce +you to Judge Bering, of our State Supreme Court. Judge, this is Mr. +Paret's boy." + +The judge looked me over with a certain slow impressiveness, and gave me +a soft and fleshy hand. + +"Glad to know you, Mr. Paret. Your father was a great loss to our bar," +he declared. + +I detected in his tone and manner a slight reservation that could not be +called precisely judicial dignity; it was as though, in these few words, +he had gone to the limit of self-commitment with a stranger--a striking +contrast to the confidential attitude towards Mr. Watling in which I had +surprised him. + +"Judge," said Mr. Watling, sitting down again, "do you recall that time +we all went up to Mr. Paret's house and tried to induce him to run for +mayor? That was before you went on the lower bench." + +The judge nodded gloomily, caressing his watch chain, and suddenly rose +to go. + +"That will be all right, then?" Mr. Watling inquired cryptically, with a +smile. The other made a barely perceptible inclination of the head and +departed. Mr. Watling looked at me. "He's one of the best men we have +on the bench to-day," he added. There was a trace of apology in his +tone. + +He talked a while of my father, to whom, so he said, he had looked up +ever since he had been admitted to the bar. + +"It would be a pleasure to me, Hugh, as well as a matter of pride," he +said cordially, but with dignity, "to have Matthew Paret's son in my +office. I suppose you will be wishing to take your mother somewhere this +summer, but if you care to come here in the autumn, you will be welcome. +You will begin, of course, as other young men begin,--as I began. But I +am a believer in blood, and I'll be glad to have you. Mr. Fowndes and +Mr. Ripon feel the same way." He escorted me to the door himself. + +Everywhere I went during that brief visit home I was struck by change, by +the crumbling and decay of institutions that once had held me in thrall, +by the superimposition of a new order that as yet had assumed no definite +character. Some of the old landmarks had disappeared; there were new and +aggressive office buildings, new and aggressive residences, new and +aggressive citizens who lived in them, and of whom my mother spoke with +gentle deprecation. Even Claremore, that paradise of my childhood, had +grown shrivelled and shabby, even tawdry, I thought, when we went out +there one Sunday afternoon; all that once represented the magic word +"country" had vanished. The old flat piano, made in Philadelphia ages +ago, the horsehair chairs and sofa had been replaced by a nondescript +furniture of the sort displayed behind plate-glass windows of the city's +stores: rocking-chairs on stands, upholstered in clashing colours, their +coiled springs only half hidden by tassels, and "ornamental" electric +fixtures, instead of the polished coal-oil lamps. Cousin Jenny had grown +white, Willie was a staid bachelor, Helen an old maid, while Mary had +married a tall, anaemic young man with glasses, Walter Kinley, whom +Cousin Robert had taken into the store. As I contemplated the Brecks odd +questions suggested themselves: did honesty and warm-heartedness +necessarily accompany a lack of artistic taste? and was virtue its own +reward, after all? They drew my mother into the house, took off her +wraps, set her down in the most comfortable rocker, and insisted on +making her a cup of tea. + +I was touched. I loved them still, and yet I was conscious of +reservations concerning them. They, too, seemed a little on the +defensive with me, and once in a while Mary was caustic in her remarks. + +"I guess nothing but New York will be good enough for Hugh now. He'll be +taking Cousin Sarah away from us." + +"Not at all, my dear," said my mother, gently, "he's going into Mr. +Watling's office next autumn." + +"Theodore Watling?" demanded Cousin Robert, pausing in his carving. + +"Yes, Robert. Mr. Watling has been good enough to say that he would like +to have Hugh. Is there anything--?" + +"Oh, I'm out of date, Sarah," Cousin Robert replied, vigorously severing +the leg of the turkey. "These modern lawyers are too smart for me. +Watling's no worse than the others, I suppose,--only he's got more +ability." + +"I've never heard anything against him," said my mother in a pained +voice. "Only the other day McAlery Willett congratulated me that Hugh +was going to be with him." + +"You mustn't mind Robert, Sarah," put in Cousin Jenny,--a remark +reminiscent of other days. + +"Dad has a notion that his generation is the only honest one," said +Helen, laughingly, as she passed a plate. + +I had gained a sense of superiority, and I was quite indifferent to +Cousin Robert's opinion of Mr. Watling, of modern lawyers in general. +More than once a wave of self-congratulation surged through me that I had +possessed the foresight and initiative to get out of the wholesale +grocery business while there was yet time. I looked at Willie, still +freckled, still literal, still a plodder, at Walter Kinley, and I thought +of the drabness of their lives; at Cousin Robert himself as he sat +smoking his cigar in the bay-window on that dark February day, and +suddenly I pitied him. The suspicion struck me that he had not prospered +of late, and this deepened to a conviction as he talked. + +"The Republican Party is going to the dogs," he asserted. + +"It used to be an honourable party, but now it is no better than the +other. Politics are only conducted, now, for the purpose of making +unscrupulous men rich, sir. For years I furnished this city with good +groceries, if I do say it myself. I took a pride in the fact that the +inmates of the hospitals, yes, and the dependent poor in the city's +institutions, should have honest food. You can get anything out of the +city if you are willing to pay the politicians for it. I lost my city +contracts. Why? Because I refused to deal with scoundrels. Weill and +Company and other unscrupulous upstarts are willing to do so, and poison +the poor and the sick with adulterated groceries! The first thing I knew +was that the city auditor was holding back my bills for supplies, and +paying Weill's. That's what politics and business, yes, sir, and the +law, have come to in these days. If a man wants to succeed, he must turn +into a rascal." + +I was not shocked, but I was silent, uncomfortable, wishing that it were +time to take the train back to the city. Cousin Robert's face was more +worn than I had thought, and I contrasted him inevitably with the +forceful person who used to stand, in his worn alpaca coat, on the +pavement in front of his store, greeting with clear-eyed content his +fellow merchants of the city. Willie Breck, too, was silent, and Walter +Kinley took off his glasses and wiped them. In the meanwhile Helen had +left the group in which my mother sat, and, approaching us, laid her +hands on her father's shoulders. + +"Now, dad," she said, in affectionate remonstrance, "you're excited about +politics again, and you know it isn't good for you. And besides, they're +not worth it." + +"You're right, Helen," he replied. Under the pressure of her hands he +made a strong effort to control himself, and turned to address my mother +across the room. + +"I'm getting to be a crotchety old man," he said. "It's a good thing I +have a daughter to remind me of it." + +"It is a good thing, Robert," said my mother. + +During the rest of our visit he seemed to have recovered something of his +former spirits and poise, taking refuge in the past. They talked of +their own youth, of families whose houses had been landmarks on the +Second Bank. + +"I'm worried about your Cousin Robert, Hugh," my mother confided to me, +when we were at length seated in the train. "I've heard rumours that +things are not so well at the store as they might be." We looked out at +the winter landscape, so different from that one which had thrilled every +fibre of my being in the days when the railroad on which we travelled had +been a winding narrow gauge. The orchards--those that remained--were +bare; stubble pricked the frozen ground where tassels had once waved in +the hot, summer wind. We flew by row after row of ginger-bread, suburban +houses built on "villa plots," and I read in large letters on a hideous +sign-board, "Woodbine Park." + +"Hugh, have you ever heard anything against--Mr. Watling?" + +"No, mother," I said. "So far as I knew, he is very much looked up to by +lawyers and business men. He is counsel, I believe, for Mr. Blackwood's +street car line on Boyne Street. And I told you, I believe, that I met +him once at Mr. Kyme's." + +"Poor Robert!" she sighed. "I suppose business trouble does make one +bitter,--I've seen it so often. But I never imagined that it would +overtake Robert, and at his time of life! It is an old and respected +firm, and we have always had a pride in it." ... + +That night, when I was going to bed, it was evident that the subject was +still in her mind. She clung to my hand a moment. + +"I, too, am afraid of the new, Hugh," she said, a little tremulously. +"We all grow so, as age comes on." + +"But you are not old, mother," I protested. + +"I have a feeling, since your father has gone, that I have lived my life, +my dear, though I'd like to stay long enough to see you happily married-- +to have grandchildren. I was not young when you were born." And she +added, after a little while, "I know nothing about business affairs, and +now--now that your father is no longer here, sometimes I'm afraid--" + +"Afraid of what, mother?" + +She tried to smile at me through her tears. We were in the old sitting- +room, surrounded by the books. + +"I know it's foolish, and it isn't that I don't trust you. I know that +the son of your father couldn't do anything that was not honourable. And +yet I am afraid of what the world is becoming. The city is growing so +fast, and so many new people are coming in. Things are not the same. +Robert is right, there. And I have heard your father say the same thing. +Hugh, promise me that you will try to remember always what he was, and +what he would wish you to be!" + +"I will, mother," I answered. "But I think you would find that Cousin +Robert exaggerates a little, makes things seem worse than they really +are. Customs change, you know. And politics were never well--Sunday +schools." I, too, smiled a little. "Father knew that. And he would +never take an active part in them." + +"He was too fine!" she exclaimed. + +"And now," I continued, "Cousin Robert has happened to come in contact +with them through business. That is what has made the difference in him. +Before, he always knew they were corrupt, but he rarely thought about +them." + +"Hugh," she said suddenly, after a pause, "you must remember one thing,-- +that you can afford to be independent. I thank God that your father has +provided for that!" + +I was duly admitted, the next autumn, to the bar of my own state, and was +assigned to a desk in the offices of Watling, Fowndes and Ripon. Larry +Weed was my immediate senior among the apprentices, and Larry was a hero- +worshipper. I can see him now. He suggested a bullfrog as he sat in the +little room we shared in common, his arms akimbo over a law book, his +little legs doubled under him, his round, eyes fixed expectantly on the +doorway. And even if I had not been aware of my good fortune in being +connected with such a firm as Theodore Watling's, Larry would shortly +have brought it home to me. During those weeks when I was making my +first desperate attempts at briefing up the law I was sometimes +interrupted by his exclamations when certain figures went by in the +corridor. + +"Say, Hugh, do you know who that was?" + +"No." + +"Miller Gorse." + +"Who's he?" + +"Do you mean to say you never heard of Miller Gorse?" + +"I've been away a long time," I would answer apologetically. A person of +some importance among my contemporaries at Harvard, I had looked forward +to a residence in my native city with the complacency of one who has seen +something of the world,--only to find that I was the least in the new +kingdom. And it was a kingdom. Larry opened up to me something of the +significance and extent of it, something of the identity of the men who +controlled it. + +"Miller Gorse," he said impressively, "is the counsel for the railroad." + +"What railroad? You mean the--" I was adding, when he interrupted me +pityingly. + +"After you've been here a while you'll find out there's only one railroad +in this state, so far as politics are concerned. The Ashuela and +Northern, the Lake Shore and the others don't count." + +I refrained from asking any more questions at that time, but afterwards I +always thought of the Railroad as spelled with a capital. + +"Miller Gorse isn't forty yet," Larry told me on another occasion. +"That's doing pretty well for a man who comes near running this state." + +For the sake of acquiring knowledge, I endured Mr. Weed's patronage. I +inquired how Mr. Gorse ran the state. + +"Oh, you'll find out soon enough," he assured me, + +"But Mr. Barbour's president of the Railroad." + +"Sure. Once in a while they take something up to him, but as a rule he +leaves things to Gorse." + +Whereupon I resolved to have a good look at Mr. Gorse at the first +opportunity. One day Mr. Watling sent out for some papers. + +"He's in there now;" said Larry. "You take 'em." + +"In there" meant Mr. Watling's sanctum. And in there he was. I had only +a glance at the great man, for, with a kindly but preoccupied "Thank you, +Hugh," Mr. Watling took the papers and dismissed me. Heaviness, +blackness and impassivity,--these were the impressions of Mr. Gorse which +I carried away from that first meeting. The very solidity of his flesh +seemed to suggest the solidity of his position. Such, say the +psychologists, is the effect of prestige. + +I remember well an old-fashioned picture puzzle in one of my boyhood +books. The scene depicted was to all appearances a sylvan, peaceful one, +with two happy lovers seated on a log beside a brook; but presently, as +one gazed at the picture, the head of an animal stood forth among the +branches, and then the body; more animals began to appear, bit by bit; a +tiger, a bear, a lion, a jackal, a fox, until at last, whenever I looked +at the page, I did not see the sylvan scene at all, but only the +predatory beasts of the forest. So, one by one, the figures of the real +rulers of the city superimposed themselves for me upon the simple and +democratic design of Mayor, Council, Board of Aldermen, Police Force, +etc., that filled the eye of a naive and trusting electorate which fondly +imagined that it had something to say in government. Miller Gorse was +one of these rulers behind the screen, and Adolf Scherer, of the Boyne +Iron Works, another; there was Leonard Dickinson of the Corn National +Bank; Frederick Grierson, becoming wealthy in city real estate; Judah B. +Tallant, who, though outlawed socially, was deferred to as the owner of +the Morning Era; and even Ralph Hambleton, rapidly superseding the +elderly and conservative Mr. Lord, who had hitherto managed the great +Hambleton estate. Ralph seemed to have become, in a somewhat gnostic +manner, a full-fledged financier. Not having studied law, he had been +home for four years when I became a legal fledgling, and during the early +days of my apprenticeship I was beholden to him for many "eye openers" +concerning the conduct of great affairs. I remember him sauntering into +my room one morning when Larry Weed had gone out on an errand. + +"Hello, Hughie," he said, with his air of having nothing to do. +"Grinding it out? Where's Watling?" + +"Isn't he in his office?" + +"No." + +"Well, what can we do for you?" I asked. + +Ralph grinned. + +"Perhaps I'll tell you when you're a little older. You're too young." +And he sank down into Larry Weed's chair, his long legs protruding on the +other side of the table. "It's a matter of taxes. Some time ago I found +out that Dickinson and Tallant and others I could mention were paying a +good deal less on their city property than we are. We don't propose to +do it any more--that's all." + +"How can Mr. Watling help you?" I inquired. + +"Well, I don't mind giving you a few tips about your profession, Hughie. +I'm going to get Watling to fix it up with the City Hall gang. Old Lord +doesn't like it, I'll admit, and when I told him we had been contributing +to the city long enough, that I proposed swinging into line with other +property holders, he began to blubber about disgrace and what my +grandfather would say if he were alive. Well, he isn't alive. A good +deal of water has flowed under the bridges since his day. It's a mere +matter of business, of getting your respectable firm to retain a City +Hall attorney to fix it up with the assessor." + +"How about the penitentiary?" I ventured, not too seriously. + +"I shan't go to the penitentiary, neither will Watling. What I do is to +pay a lawyer's fee. There isn't anything criminal in that, is there?" + +For some time after Ralph had departed I sat reflecting upon this new +knowledge, and there came into my mind the bitterness of Cousin Robert +Breck against this City Hall gang, and his remarks about lawyers. I +recalled the tone in which he had referred to Mr. Watling. But Ralph's +philosophy easily triumphed. Why not be practical, and become master of +a situation which one had not made, and could not alter, instead of being +overwhelmed by it? Needless to say, I did not mention the conversation +to Mr. Watling, nor did he dwindle in my estimation. These necessary +transactions did not interfere in any way with his personal +relationships, and his days were filled with kindnesses. And was not Mr. +Ripon, the junior partner, one of the evangelical lights of the +community, conducting advanced Bible classes every week in the Church of +the Redemption?... The unfolding of mysteries kept me alert. And I +understood that, if I was to succeed, certain esoteric knowledge must be +acquired, as it were, unofficially. I kept my eyes and ears open, and +applied myself, with all industry, to the routine tasks with which every +young man in a large legal firm is familiar. I recall distinctly my +pride when, the Board of Aldermen having passed an ordinance lowering the +water rates, I was intrusted with the responsibility of going before the +court in behalf of Mr. Ogilvy's water company, obtaining a temporary +restricting order preventing the ordinance from going at once into +effect. Here was an affair in point. Were it not for lawyers of the +calibre of Watling, Fowndes and Ripon, hard-earned private property would +soon be confiscated by the rapacious horde. Once in a while I was made +aware that Mr. Watling had his eye on me. + +"Well, Hugh," he would say, "how are you getting along? That's right, +stick to it, and after a while we'll hand the drudgery over to somebody +else." + +He possessed the supreme quality of a leader of men in that he took pains +to inform himself concerning the work of the least of his subordinates; +and he had the gift of putting fire into a young man by a word or a touch +of the hand on the shoulder. It was not difficult for me, therefore, to +comprehend Larry Weed's hero-worship, the loyalty of other members of the +firm or of those occupants of the office whom I have not mentioned. My +first impression of him, which I had got at Jerry Kyme's, deepened as +time went on, and I readily shared the belief of those around me that his +legal talents easily surpassed those of any of his contemporaries. I can +recall, at this time, several noted cases in the city when I sat in court +listening to his arguments with thrills of pride. He made us all feel-- +no matter how humble may have been our contributions to the preparation-- +that we had a share in his triumphs. We remembered his manner with +judges and juries, and strove to emulate it. He spoke as if there could +be no question as to his being right as to the law and the facts, and +yet, in some subtle way that bated analysis, managed not to antagonize +the court. Victory was in the air in that office. I do not mean to say +there were not defeats; but frequently these defeats, by resourcefulness, +by a never-say-die spirit, by a consummate knowledge, not only of the +law, but of other things at which I have hinted, were turned into +ultimate victories. We fought cases from one court to another, until our +opponents were worn out or the decision was reversed. We won, and that +spirit of winning got into the blood. What was most impressed on me in +those early years, I think, was the discovery that there was always a +path--if one were clever enough to find it--from one terrace to the next +higher. Staying power was the most prized of all the virtues. One could +always, by adroitness, compel a legal opponent to fight the matter out +all over again on new ground, or at least on ground partially new. If +the Court of Appeals should fail one, there was the Supreme Court; there +was the opportunity, also, to shift from the state to the federal courts; +and likewise the much-prized device known as a change of venue, when a +judge was supposed to be "prejudiced." + + + + +IX. + +As my apprenticeship advanced I grew more and more to the inhabitants of +our city into two kinds, the who were served, and the inefficient, who +were separate efficient, neglected; but the mental process of which the +classification was the result was not so deliberate as may be supposed. +Sometimes, when an important client would get into trouble, the affair +took me into the police court, where I saw the riff-raff of the city +penned up, waiting to have justice doled out to them: weary women who had +spent the night in cells, indifferent now as to the front they presented +to the world, the finery rued that they had tended so carefully to catch +the eyes of men on the darkened streets; brazen young girls, who blazed +forth defiance to all order; derelict men, sodden and hopeless, with +scrubby beards; shifty looking burglars and pickpockets. All these I +beheld, at first with twinges of pity, later to mass them with the ugly +and inevitable with whom society had to deal somehow. Lawyers, after +all, must be practical men. I came to know the justices of these police +courts, as well as other judges. And underlying my acquaintance with all +of them was the knowledge--though not on the threshold of my +consciousness--that they depended for their living, every man of them, +those who were appointed and those who were elected, upon a political +organization which derived its sustenance from the element whence came +our clients. Thus by degrees the sense of belonging to a special +priesthood had grown on me. + +I recall an experience with that same Mr. Nathan. Weill, the wholesale +grocer of whose commerce with the City Hall my Cousin Robert Breck had so +bitterly complained. Late one afternoon Mr. Weill's carriage ran over a +child on its way up-town through one of the poorer districts. The +parents, naturally, were frantic, and the coachman was arrested. This +was late in the afternoon, and I was alone in the office when the +telephone rang. Hurrying to the police station, I found Mr. Weill in a +state of excitement and abject fear, for an ugly crowd had gathered +outside. + +"Could not Mr. Watling or Mr. Fowndes come?" demanded the grocer. + +With an inner contempt for the layman's state of mind on such occasions I +assured him of my competency to handle the case. He was impressed, I +think, by the sergeant's deference, who knew what it meant to have such +an office as ours interfere with the affair. I called up the prosecuting +attorney, who sent to Monahan's saloon, close by, and procured a release +for the coachman on his own recognizance, one of many signed in blank and +left there by the justice for privileged cases. The coachman was hustled +out by a back door, and the crowd dispersed. + +The next morning, while a score or more of delinquents sat in the anxious +seats, Justice Garry recognized me and gave me precedence. And Mr. +Weill, with a sigh of relief, paid his fine. + +"Mr. Paret, is it?" he asked, as we stood together for a moment on the +sidewalk outside the court. "You have managed this well. I will +remember." + +He was sued, of course. When he came to the office he insisted on +discussing the case with Mr. Watling, who sent for me. + +"That is a bright young man," Mr. Weill declared, shaking my hand. "He +will get on." + +"Some day," said Mr. Watling, "he may save you a lot of money, Weill." + +"When my friend Mr. Watling is United States Senator,--eh?" + +Mr. Watling laughed. "Before that, I hope. I advise you to compromise +this suit, Weill," he added. "How would a thousand dollars strike you? +I've had Paret look up the case, and he tells me the little girl has had +to have an operation." + +"A thousand dollars!" cried the grocer. "What right have these people to +let their children play on the streets? It's an outrage." + +"Where else have the children to play?" Mr. Watling touched his arm. +"Weill," he said gently, "suppose it had been your little girl?" The +grocer pulled out his handkerchief and mopped his bald forehead. But he +rallied a little. + +"You fight these damage cases for the street railroads all through the +courts." + +"Yes," Mr. Watling agreed, "but there a principle is involved. If the +railroads once got into the way of paying damages for every careless +employee, they would soon be bankrupt through blackmail. But here you +have a child whose father is a poor janitor and can't afford sickness. +And your coachman, I imagine, will be more particular in the future." + +In the end Mr. Weill made out a cheque and departed in a good humour, +convinced that he was well out of the matter. Here was one of many +instances I could cite of Mr. Watling's tenderness of heart. I felt, +moreover, as if he had done me a personal favour, since it was I who had +recommended the compromise. For I had been to the hospital and had seen +the child on the cot,--a dark little thing, lying still in her pain, with +the bewildered look of a wounded animal.... + +Not long after this incident of Mr. Weill's damage suit I obtained a more +or less definite promotion by the departure of Larry Weed. He had +suddenly developed a weakness of the lungs. Mr. Watling got him a place +in Denver, and paid his expenses west. + +The first six or seven years I spent in the office of Wading, Fowndes and +Ripon were of importance to my future career, but there is little to +relate of them. I was absorbed not only in learning law, but in +acquiring that esoteric knowledge at which I have hinted--not to be had +from my seniors and which I was convinced was indispensable to a +successful and lucrative practice. My former comparison of the +organization of our city to a picture puzzle wherein the dominating +figures become visible only after long study is rather inadequate. A +better analogy would be the human anatomy: we lawyers, of course, were +the brains; the financial and industrial interests the body, helpless +without us; the City Hall politicians, the stomach that must continually +be fed. All three, law, politics and business, were interdependent, +united by a nervous system too complex to be developed here. In these +years, though I worked hard and often late, I still found time for +convivialities, for social gaieties, yet little by little without +realizing the fact, I was losing zest for the companionship of my former +intimates. My mind was becoming polarized by the contemplation of one +object, success, and to it human ties were unconsciously being +sacrificed. + +Tom Peters began to feel this, even at a time when I believed myself +still to be genuinely fond of him. Considering our respective +temperaments in youth, it is curious that he should have been the first +to fall in love and marry. One day he astonished me by announcing his +engagement to Susan Blackwood. + +"That ends the liquor, Hughie," he told me, beamingly. "I promised her +I'd eliminate it." + +He did eliminate it, save for mild relapses on festive occasions. A more +seemingly incongruous marriage could scarcely be imagined, and yet it was +a success from the start. From a slim, silent, self-willed girl Susan +had grown up into a tall, rather rawboned and energetic young woman. She +was what we called in those days "intellectual," and had gone in for +kindergartens, and after her marriage she turned out to be excessively +domestic; practising her theories, with entire success, upon a family +that showed a tendency to increase at an alarming rate. Tom, needless to +say, did not become intellectual. He settled down--prematurely, I +thought--into what is known as a family man, curiously content with the +income he derived from the commission business and with life in general; +and he developed a somewhat critical view of the tendencies of the +civilization by which he was surrounded. Susan held it also, but she +said less about it. In the comfortable but unpretentious house they +rented on Cedar Street we had many discussions, after the babies had been +put to bed and the door of the living-room closed, in order that our +voices might not reach the nursery. Perry Blackwood, now Tom's brother- +in-law, was often there. He, too, had lapsed into what I thought was an +odd conservatism. Old Josiah, his father, being dead, he occupied +himself mainly with looking after certain family interests, among which +was the Boyne Street car line. Among "business men" he was already +getting the reputation of being a little difficult to deal with. I was +often the subject of their banter, and presently I began to suspect that +they regarded my career and beliefs with some concern. This gave me no +uneasiness, though at limes I lost my temper. I realized their affection +for me; but privately I regarded them as lacking in ambition, in force, +in the fighting qualities necessary for achievement in this modern age. +Perhaps, unconsciously, I pitied them a little. + +"How is Judah B. to-day, Hughie?" Tom would inquire. "I hear you've put +him up for the Boyne Club, now that Mr. Watling has got him out of that +libel suit." + +"Carter Ives is dead," Perry would add, sarcastically, "let bygones be +bygones." + +It was well known that Mr. Tallant, in the early days of his newspaper, +had blackmailed Mr. Ives out of some hundred thousand dollars. And that +this, more than any other act, stood in the way, with certain +recalcitrant gentlemen, of his highest ambition, membership in the Boyne. + +"The trouble with you fellows is that you refuse to deal with conditions +as you find them," I retorted. "We didn't make them, and we can't change +them. Tallant's a factor in the business life of this city, and he has +to be counted with." + +Tom would shake his head exasperatingly. + +"Why don't you get after Ralph?" I demanded. "He doesn't antagonize +Tallant, either." + +"Ralph's hopeless," said Tom. "He was born a pirate, you weren't, +Hughie. We think there's a chance for his salvation, don't we, Perry?" + +I refused to accept the remark as flattering. + +Another object of their assaults was Frederick Grierson, who by this time +had emerged from obscurity as a small dealer in real estate into a +manipulator of blocks and corners. + +"I suppose you think it's a lawyer's business to demand an ethical bill +of health of every client," I said. "I won't stand up for all of +Tallant's career, of course, but Mr. Wading has a clear right to take his +cases. As for Grierson, it seems to me that's a matter of giving a dog a +bad name. Just because his people weren't known here, and because he has +worked up from small beginnings. To get down to hard-pan, you fellows +don't believe in democracy,--in giving every man a chance to show what's +in him." + +"Democracy is good!" exclaimed Perry. "If the kind of thing we're coming +to is democracy, God save the state!"... + +On the other hand I found myself drawing closer to Ralph Hambleton, +sometimes present at these debates, as the only one of my boyhood friends +who seemed to be able to "deal with conditions as he found them." +Indeed, he gave one the impression that, if he had had the making of +them, he would not have changed them. + +"What the deuce do you expect?" I once heard him inquire with good- +natured contempt. "Business isn't charity, it's war. + +"There are certain things," maintained Perry, stoutly, "that gentlemen +won't do." + +"Gentlemen!" exclaimed Ralph, stretching his slim six feet two: We were +sitting in the Boyne Club. "It's ungentlemanly to kill, or burn a town +or sink a ship, but we keep armies and navies for the purpose. For a man +with a good mind, Perry, you show a surprising inability to think things, +out to a logical conclusion. What the deuce is competition, when you +come down to it? Christianity? Not by a long shot! If our nations are +slaughtering men and starving populations in other countries,--are +carried on, in fact, for the sake of business, if our churches are filled +with business men and our sky pilots pray for the government, you can't +expect heathen individuals like me to do business on a Christian basis,-- +if there is such a thing. You can make rules for croquet, but not for a +game that is based on the natural law of the survival of the fittest. +The darned fools in the legislatures try it occasionally, but we all know +it's a sop to the `common people.' Ask Hughie here if there ever was a +law put on the statute books that his friend Watling couldn't get +'round'? Why, you've got competition even among the churches. Yours, +where I believe you teach in the Sunday school, would go bankrupt if it +proclaimed real Christianity. And you'll go bankrupt if you practise it, +Perry, my boy. Some early, wide-awake, competitive, red-blooded bird +will relieve you of the Boyne Street car line." + +It was one of this same new and "fittest" species who had already +relieved poor Mr. McAlery Willett of his fortune. Mr. Willett was a +trusting soul who had never known how to take care of himself or his +money, people said, and now that he had lost it they blamed him. Some +had been saved enough for him and Nancy to live on in the old house, with +careful economy. It was Nancy who managed the economy, who accomplished +remarkable things with a sum they would have deemed poverty in former +days. Her mother had died while I was at Cambridge. Reverses did not +subdue Mr. Willett's spirits, and the fascination modern "business" had +for him seemed to grow in proportion to the misfortunes it had caused +him. He moved into a tiny office in the Durrett Building, where he +appeared every morning about half-past ten to occupy himself with heaven +knows what short cuts to wealth, with prospectuses of companies in Mexico +or Central America or some other distant place: once, I remember, it was +a tea, company in which he tried to interest his friends, to raise in the +South a product he maintained would surpass Orange Pekoe. In the +afternoon between three and four he would turn up at the Boyne Club, as +well groomed, as spruce as ever, generally with a flower in his +buttonhole. He never forgot that he was a gentleman, and he had a +gentleman's notions of the fitness of things, and it was against his +principles to use, a gentleman's club for the furtherance of his various +enterprises. + +"Drop into my office some day, Dickinson," he would say. "I think I've +got something there that might interest you!" + +He reminded me, when I met him, that he had always predicted I would get +along in life.... + +The portrait of Nancy at this period is not so easily drawn. The decline +of the family fortunes seemed to have had as little effect upon her as +upon her father, although their characters differed sharply. Something +of that spontaneity, of that love of life and joy in it she had possessed +in youth she must have inherited from McAlery Willett, but these +qualities had disappeared in her long before the coming of financial +reverses. She was nearing thirty, and in spite of her beauty and the +rarer distinction that can best be described as breeding, she had never +married. Men admired her, but from a distance; she kept them at arm's +length, they said: strangers who visited the city invariably picked her +out of an assembly and asked who she was; one man from New York who came +to visit Ralph and who had been madly in love with her, she had amazed +many people by refusing, spurning all he might have given her. This +incident seemed a refutation of the charge that she was calculating. As +might have been foretold, she had the social gift in a remarkable degree, +and in spite of the limitations of her purse the knack of dressing better +than other women, though at that time the organization of our social life +still remained comparatively simple, the custom of luxurious and +expensive entertainment not having yet set in. + +The more I reflect upon those days, the more surprising does it seem that +I was not in love with her. It may be that I was, unconsciously, for she +troubled my thoughts occasionally, and she represented all the qualities +I admired in her sex. The situation that had existed at the time of our +first and only quarrel had been reversed, I was on the highroad to the +worldly success I had then resolved upon, Nancy was poor, and for that +reason, perhaps, prouder than ever. If she was inaccessible to others, +she had the air of being peculiarly inaccessible to me--the more so +because some of the superficial relics of our intimacy remained, or +rather had been restored. Her very manner of camaraderie seemed +paradoxically to increase the distance between us. It piqued me. Had +she given me the least encouragement, I am sure I should have responded; +and I remember that I used occasionally to speculate as to whether she +still cared for me, and took this method of hiding her real feelings. +Yet, on the whole, I felt a certain complacency about it all; I knew that +suffering was disagreeable, I had learned how to avoid it, and I may have +had, deep within me, a feeling that I might marry her after all. +Meanwhile my life was full, and gave promise of becoming even fuller, +more absorbing and exciting in the immediate future. + +One of the most fascinating figures, to me, of that Order being woven, +like a cloth of gold, out of our hitherto drab civilization,--an Order +into which I was ready and eager to be initiated,--was that of Adolf +Scherer, the giant German immigrant at the head of the Boyne Iron Works. +His life would easily lend itself to riotous romance. In the old +country, in a valley below the castle perched on the rack above, he had +begun life by tending his father's geese. What a contrast to "Steeltown" +with its smells and sickening summer heat, to the shanty where Mrs. +Scherer took boarders and bent over the wash-tub! She, too, was an +immigrant, but lived to hear her native Wagner from her own box at Covent +Garden; and he to explain, on the deck of an imperial yacht, to the man +who might have been his sovereign certain processes in the manufacture of +steel hitherto untried on that side of the Atlantic. In comparison with +Adolf Scherer, citizen of a once despised democracy, the minor prince in +whose dominions he had once tended geese was of small account indeed! + +The Adolf Scherer of that day--though it is not so long ago as time flies +--was even more solid and impressive than the man he afterwards became, +when he reached the dizzier heights from which he delivered to an eager +press opinions on politics and war, eugenics and woman's suffrage and +other subjects that are the despair of specialists. Had he stuck to +steel, he would have remained invulnerable. But even then he was +beginning to abandon the field of production for that of exploitation: +figuratively speaking, he had taken to soap, which with the aid of water +may be blown into beautiful, iridescent bubbles to charm the eye. Much +good soap, apparently, has gone that way, never to be recovered. +Everybody who was anybody began to blow bubbles about that time, and the +bigger the bubble the greater its attraction for investors of hard-earned +savings. Outside of this love for financial iridescence, let it be +called, Mr. Scherer seemed to care little then for glitter of any sort. +Shortly after his elevation to the presidency of the Boyne Iron Works he +had been elected a member of the Boyne Club,--an honour of which, some +thought, he should have been more sensible; but generally, when in town, +he preferred to lunch at a little German restaurant annexed to a saloon, +where I used often to find him literally towering above the cloth,--for +he was a giant with short legs,--his napkin tucked into his shirt front, +engaged in lively conversation with the ministering Heinrich. The chef +at the club, Mr. Scherer insisted, could produce nothing equal to +Heinrich's sauer-kraut and sausage. My earliest relationship with Mr. +Scherer was that of an errand boy, of bringing to him for his approval +papers which might not be intrusted to a common messenger. His gruffness +and brevity disturbed me more than I cared to confess. I was pretty sure +that he eyed me with the disposition of the self-made to believe that +college educations and good tailors were the heaviest handicaps with +which a young man could be burdened: and I suspected him of an inimical +attitude toward the older families of the city. Certain men possessed +his confidence; and he had built, as it were, a stockade about them, +sternly keeping the rest of the world outside. In Theodore Watling he +had a childlike faith. + +Thus I studied him, with a deliberation which it is the purpose of these +chapters to confess, though he little knew that he was being made the +subject of analysis. Nor did I ever venture to talk with him, but held +strictly to my role of errand boy,--even after the conviction came over +me that he was no longer indifferent to my presence. The day arrived, +after some years, when he suddenly thrust toward me a big, hairy hand +that held the document he was examining. + +"Who drew this, Mr. Paret!" he demanded. + +Mr. Ripon, I told him. + +The Boyne Works were buying up coal-mines, and this was a contract +looking to the purchase of one in Putman County, provided, after a +certain period of working, the yield and quality should come up to +specifications. Mr. Scherer requested me to read one of the sections, +which puzzled him. And in explaining it an idea flashed over me. + +"Do you mind my making a suggestion, Mr. Scherer?" I ventured. + +"What is it?" he asked brusquely. + +I showed him how, by the alteration of a few words, the difficulty to +which he had referred could not only be eliminated, but that certain +possible penalties might be evaded, while the apparent meaning of the +section remained unchanged. In other words, it gave the Boyne Iron Works +an advantage that was not contemplated. He seized the paper, stared at +what I had written in pencil on the margin, and then stared at me. +Abruptly, he began to laugh. + +"Ask Mr. Wading what he thinks of it?" + +"I intended to, provided it had your approval, sir," I replied. + +"You have my approval, Mr. Paret," he declared, rather cryptically, and +with the slight German hardening of the v's into which he relapsed at +times. "Bring it to the Works this afternoon." + +Mr. Wading agreed to the alteration. He looked at me amusedly. + +"Yes, I think that's an improvement, Hugh," he said. I had a feeling +that I had gained ground, and from this time on I thought I detected a +change in his attitude toward me; there could be no doubt about the new +attitude of Mr. Scherer, who would often greet me now with a smile and a +joke, and sometimes went so far as to ask my opinions.... Then, about +six months later, came the famous Ribblevale case that aroused the moral +indignation of so many persons, among whom was Perry Blackwood. + +"You know as well as I do, Hugh, how this thing is being manipulated," he +declared at Tom's one Sunday evening; "there was nothing the matter with +the Ribblevale Steel Company--it was as right as rain before Leonard +Dickinson and Grierson and Scherer and that crowd you train with began to +talk it down at the Club. Oh, they're very compassionate. I've heard +'em. Dickinson, privately, doesn't think much of Ribblevale paper, and +Pugh" (the president of the Ribblevale) "seems worried and looks badly. +It's all very clever, but I'd hate to tell you in plain words what I'd +call it." + +"Go ahead," I challenged him audaciously. "You haven't any proof that +the Ribblevale wasn't in trouble." + +"I heard Mr. Pugh tell my father the other day it was a d--d outrage. He +couldn't catch up with these rumours, and some of his stockholders were +liquidating." + +"You, don't suppose Pugh would want to admit his situation, do you?" I +asked. + +"Pugh's a straight man," retorted Perry. "That's more than I can say for +any of the other gang, saving your presence. The unpleasant truth is +that Scherer and the Boyne people want the Ribblevale, and you ought to +know it if you don't." He looked at me very hard through the glasses he +had lately taken to wearing. Tom, who was lounging by the fire, shifted +his position uneasily. I smiled, and took another cigar. + +"I believe Ralph is right, Perry, when he calls you a sentimentalist. +For you there's a tragedy behind every ordinary business transaction. +The Ribblevale people are having a hard time to keep their heads above +water, and immediately you smell conspiracy. Dickinson and Scherer have +been talking it down. How about it, Tom?" + +But Tom, in these debates, was inclined to be noncommittal, although it +was clear they troubled him. + +"Oh, don't ask me, Hughie," he said. + +"I suppose I ought to cultivate the scientific point of view, and look +with impartial interest at this industrial cannibalism," returned Perry, +sarcastically. "Eat or be eaten that's what enlightened self-interest +has come to. After all, Ralph would say, it is nature, the insect world +over again, the victim duped and crippled before he is devoured, and the +lawyer--how shall I put it?--facilitating the processes of swallowing and +digesting...." + +There was no use arguing with Perry when he was in this vein.... + +Since I am not writing a technical treatise, I need not go into the +details of the Ribblevale suit. Since it to say that the affair, after a +while, came apparently to a deadlock, owing to the impossibility of +getting certain definite information from the Ribblevale books, which had +been taken out of the state. The treasurer, for reasons of his own, +remained out of the state also; the ordinary course of summoning him +before a magistrate in another state had naturally been resorted to, but +the desired evidence was not forthcoming. + +"The trouble is," Mr. Wading explained to Mr. Scherer, "that there is no +law in the various states with a sufficient penalty attached that will +compel the witness to divulge facts he wishes to conceal." + +It was the middle of a February afternoon, and they were seated in deep, +leather chairs in one corner of the reading room of the Boyne Club. They +had the place to themselves. Fowndes was there also, one leg twisted +around the other in familiar fashion, a bored look on his long and sallow +face. Mr. Wading had telephoned to the office for me to bring them some +papers bearing on the case. + +"Sit down, Hugh," he said kindly. + +"Now we have present a genuine legal mind," said Mr. Scherer, in the +playful manner he had adopted of late, while I grinned appreciatively and +took a chair. Mr. Watling presently suggested kidnapping the Ribblevale +treasurer until he should promise to produce the books as the only way +out of what seemed an impasse. But Mr. Scherer brought down a huge fist +on his knee. + +"I tell you it is no joke, Watling, we've got to win that suit," he +asserted. + +"That's all very well," replied Mr. Watling. "But we're a respectable +firm, you know. We haven't had to resort to safe-blowing, as yet." + +Mr. Scherer shrugged his shoulders, as much as to say it were a matter of +indifference to him what methods were resorted to. Mr. Watling's eyes +met mine; his glance was amused, yet I thought I read in it a query as to +the advisability, in my presence, of going too deeply into the question +of ways and means. I may have been wrong. At any rate, its sudden +effect was to embolden me to give voice to an idea that had begun to +simmer in my mind, that excited me, and yet I had feared to utter it. +This look of my chief's, and the lighter tone the conversation had taken +decided me. + +"Why wouldn't it be possible to draw up a bill to fit the situation?" I +inquired. + +Mr. Wading started. + +"What do you mean?" he asked quickly. + +All three looked at me. I felt the blood come into my face, but it was +too late to draw back. + +"Well--the legislature is in session. And since, as Mr. Watling says, +there is no sufficient penalty in other states to compel the witness to +produce the information desired, why not draw up a bill and--and have it +passed--" I paused for breath--"imposing a sufficient penalty on home +corporations in the event of such evasions. The Ribblevale Steel Company +is a home corporation." + +I had shot my bolt.... There followed what was for me an anxious +silence, while the three of them continued to stare at me. Mr. Watling +put the tips of his fingers together, and I became aware that he was not +offended, that he was thinking rapidly. + +"By George, why not, Fowndes?" he demanded. + +"Well," said Fowndes, "there's an element of risk in such a proceeding I +need not dwell upon." + +"Risk!" cried the senior partner vigorously. "There's risk in +everything. They'll howl, of course. But they howl anyway, and nobody +ever listens to them. They'll say it's special legislation, and the +Pilot will print sensational editorials for a few days. But what of it? +All of that has happened before. I tell you, if we can't see those +books, we'll lose the suit. That's in black and white. And, as a matter +of justice, we're entitled to know what we want to know." + +"There might be two opinions as to that," observed Fowndes, with his +sardonic smile. + +Mr. Watling paid no attention to this remark. He was already deep in +thought. It was characteristic of his mind to leap forward, seize a +suggestion that often appeared chimerical to a man like Fowndes and turn +it into an accomplished Fact. "I believe you've hit it, Hugh," he said. +"We needn't bother about the powers of the courts in other states. We'll +put into this bill an appeal to our court for an order on the clerk to +compel the witness to come before the court and testify, and we'll +provide for a special commissioner to take depositions in the state where +the witness is. If the officers of a home corporation who are outside of +the state refuse to testify, the penalty will be that the ration goes +into the hands of a receiver." + +Fowndes whistled. + +"That's going some!" he said. + +"Well, we've got to go some. How about it, Scherer?" + +Even Mr. Scherer's brown eyes were snapping. + +"We have got to win that suit, Watling." + +We were all excited, even Fowndes, I think, though he remained +expressionless. Ours was the tense excitement of primitive man in chase: +the quarry which had threatened to elude us was again in view, and not +unlikely to fall into our hands. Add to this feeling, on my part, the +thrill that it was I who had put them on the scent. I had all the +sensations of an aspiring young brave who for the first time is admitted +to the councils of the tribe! + +"It ought to be a popular bill, too," Mr. Schemer was saying, with a +smile of ironic appreciation at the thought of demagogues advocating it. +"We should have one of Lawler's friends introduce it." + +"Oh, we shall have it properly introduced," replied Mr. Wading. + +"It may come back at us," suggested Fowndes pessimistically. "The Boyne +Iron Works is a home corporation too, if I am not mistaken." + +"The Boyne Iron Works has the firm of Wading, Fowndes and Ripon behind +it," asserted Mr. Scherer, with what struck me as a magnificent faith. + +"You mustn't forget Paret," Mr. Watling reminded him, with a wink at me. + +We had risen. Mr. Scherer laid a hand on my arm. + +"No, no, I do not forget him. He will not permit me to forget him." + +A remark, I thought, that betrayed some insight into my character... Mr. +Watling called for pen and paper and made then and there a draft of the +proposed bill, for no time was to be lost. It was dark when we left the +Club, and I recall the elation I felt and strove to conceal as I +accompanied my chief back to the office. The stenographers and clerks +were gone; alone in the library we got down the statutes and set to work. +to perfect the bill from the rough draft, on which Mr. Fowndes had +written his suggestions. I felt that a complete yet subtle change had +come over my relationship with Mr. Watling. + +In the midst of our labours he asked me to call up the attorney for the +Railroad. Mr. Gorse was still at his office. + +"Hello! Is that you, Miller?" Mr. Watling said. "This is Wading. When +can I see you for a few minutes this evening? Yes, I am leaving for +Washington at nine thirty. Eight o'clock. All right, I'll be there." + +It was almost eight before he got the draft finished to his satisfaction, +and I had picked it out on the typewriter. As I handed it to him, my +chief held it a moment, gazing at me with an odd smile. + +"You seem to have acquired a good deal of useful knowledge, here and +there, Hugh," he observed. + +"I've tried to keep my eyes open, Mr. Watling," I said. + +"Well," he said, "there are a great many things a young man practising +law in these days has to learn for himself. And if I hadn't given you +credit for some cleverness, I shouldn't have wanted you here. There's +only one way to look at--at these matters we have been discussing, my +boy, that's the common-sense way, and if a man doesn't get that point of +view by himself, nobody can teach it to him. I needn't enlarge upon it" + +"No, sir," I said. + +He smiled again, but immediately became serious. + +"If Mr. Gorse should approve of this bill, I'm going to send you down to +the capital--to-night. Can you go?" + +I nodded. + +"I want you to look out for the bill in the legislature. Of course there +won't be much to do, except to stand by, but you will get a better idea +of what goes on down there." + +I thanked him, and told him I would do my best. + +"I'm sure of that," he replied. "Now it's time to go to see Gorse." + +The legal department of the Railroad occupied an entire floor of the Corn +Bank building. I had often been there on various errands, having on +occasions delivered sealed envelopes to Mr. Gorse himself, approaching +him in the ordinary way through a series of offices. But now, following +Mr. Watling through the dimly lighted corridor, we came to a door on +which no name was painted, and which was presently opened by a +stenographer. There was in the proceeding a touch of mystery that +revived keenly my boyish love for romance; brought back the days when I +had been, in turn, Captain Kidd and Ali Baba. + +I have never realized more strongly than in that moment the psychological +force of prestige. Little by little, for five years, an estimate of the +extent of Miller Gorse's power had been coming home to me, and his +features stood in my mind for his particular kind of power. He was a +tremendous worker, and often remained in his office until ten and eleven +at night. He dismissed the stenographer by the wave of a hand which +seemed to thrust her bodily out of the room. + +"Hello, Miller," said Mr. Watling. + +"Hello, Theodore," replied Mr. Gorse. + +"This is Paret, of my office." + +"I know," said Mr. Gorse, and nodded toward me. I was impressed by the +felicity with which a cartoonist of the Pilot had once caricatured him by +the use of curved lines. The circle of the heavy eyebrows ended at the +wide nostrils; the mouth was a crescent, but bowed downwards; the heavy +shoulders were rounded. Indeed, the only straight line to be discerned +about him was that of his hair, black as bitumen, banged across his +forehead; even his polished porphyry eyes were constructed on some +curvilinear principle, and never seemed to focus. It might be said of +Mr. Gorse that he had an overwhelming impersonality. One could never be +quite sure that one's words reached the mark. + +In spite of the intimacy which I knew existed between them, in my +presence at least Mr. Gorse's manner was little different with Mr. +Watling than it was with other men. Mr. Wading did not seem to mind. He +pulled up a chair close to the desk and began, without any preliminaries, +to explain his errand. + +"It's about the Ribblevale affair," he said. "You know we have a suit." + +Gorse nodded. + +"We've got to get at the books, Miller,--that's all there is to it. I +told you so the other day. Well, we've found out a way, I think." + +He thrust his hand in his pocket, while the railroad attorney remained +impassive, and drew out the draft of the bill. Mr. Gorse read it, then +read it over again, and laid it down in front of him. + +"Well," he said. + +"I want to put that through both houses and have the governor's signature +to it by the end of the week." + +"It seems a little raw, at first sight, Theodore," said Mr. Gorse, with +the suspicion of a smile. + +My chief laughed a little. + +"It's not half so raw as some things I might mention, that went through +like greased lightning," he replied. "What can they do? I believe it +will hold water. Tallant's, and most of the other newspapers in the +state, won't print a line about it, and only Socialists and Populists +read the Pilot. They're disgruntled anyway. The point is, there's no +other way out for us. Just think a moment, bearing in mind what I've +told you about the case, and you'll see it." + +Mr. Gorse took up the paper again, and read the draft over. + +"You know as well as I do, Miller, how dangerous it is to leave this +Ribblevale business at loose ends. The Carlisle steel people and the +Lake Shore road are after the Ribblevale Company, and we can't afford to +run any risk of their getting it. It's logically a part of the Boyne +interests, as Scherer says, and Dickinson is ready with the money for the +reorganization. If the Carlisle people and the Lake Shore get it, the +product will be shipped out by the L and G, and the Railroad will lose. +What would Barbour say?" + +Mr. Barbour, as I have perhaps mentioned, was the president of the +Railroad, and had his residence in the other great city of the state. He +was then, I knew, in the West. + +"We've got to act now," insisted Mr. Watling. "That's open and shut. If +you have any other plan, I wish you'd trot it out. If not, I want a +letter to Paul Varney and the governor. I'm going to send Paret down +with them on the night train." + +It was clear to me then, in the discussion following, that Mr. Watling's +gift of persuasion, though great, was not the determining factor in Mr. +Gorse's decision. He, too, possessed boldness, though he preferred +caution. Nor did the friendship between the two enter into the +transaction. I was impressed more strongly than ever with the fact that +a lawsuit was seldom a mere private affair between two persons or +corporations, but involved a chain of relationships and nine times out of +ten that chain led up to the Railroad, which nearly always was vitally +interested in these legal contests. Half an hour of masterly +presentation of the situation was necessary before Mr. Gorse became +convinced that the introduction of the bill was the only way out for all +concerned. + +"Well, I guess you're right, Theodore," he said at length. Whereupon he +seized his pen and wrote off two notes with great rapidity. These he +showed to Mr. Watling, who nodded and returned them. They were folded +and sealed, and handed to me. One was addressed to Colonel Paul Varney, +and the other to the Hon. W. W. Trulease, governor of the state. + +"You can trust this young man?" demanded Mr. Gorse. + +"I think so," replied Mr. Watling, smiling at me. "The bill was his own +idea." + +The railroad attorney wheeled about in his chair and looked at me; looked +around me, would better express it, with his indefinite, encompassing yet +inclusive glance. I had riveted his attention. And from henceforth, I +knew, I should enter into his calculations. He had made for me a +compartment in his mind. + +"His own idea!" he repeated. + +"I merely suggested it," I was putting in, when he cut me short. + +"Aren't you the son of Matthew Paret?" + +"Yes," I said. + +He gave me a queer glance, the significance of which I left untranslated. +My excitement was too great to analyze what he meant by this mention of +my father.... + +When we reached the sidewalk my chief gave me a few parting instructions. + +"I need scarcely say, Hugh," he added, "that your presence in the capital +should not be advertised as connected with this--legislation. They will +probably attribute it to us in the end, but if you're reasonably careful, +they'll never be able to prove it. And there's no use in putting our +cards on the table at the beginning." + +"No indeed, sir!" I agreed. + +He took my hand and pressed it. + +"Good luck," he said. "I know you'll get along all right." + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +Benumbing and desiccating effect of that old system of education +I hated to lie to her,--yet I did so +Knowledge was presented to us as a corpse +Meaningless lessons which had to be learned +Righteousness a stern and terrible thing implying not joy, but punishment +Staunch advocate on the doctrine of infant damnation +What you wants, you gets +Your American romanticist is a sentimental spoiled child + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of A Far Country, V1 +by Winston Churchill + diff --git a/old/wc10v11.zip b/old/wc10v11.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..56efc18 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/wc10v11.zip |