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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lighter Moments from the Notebook of Bishop
+Walsham How, by Frederick Douglas How
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Lighter Moments from the Notebook of Bishop Walsham How
+
+Author: Frederick Douglas How
+
+Release Date: September 8, 2011 [EBook #37347]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LIGHTER MOMENTS--BISHOP WALSHAM HOW ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Delphine Lettau, Ross Cooling and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Canada Team at
+http://www.pgdpcanada.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  LIGHTER MOMENTS
+
+
+
+
+  First Edition, _March 1900_
+  Reprinted, _April 1900_
+  Reprinted, _May 1900_
+
+
+
+
+  LIGHTER MOMENTS
+
+  FROM THE NOTEBOOK
+
+  OF
+
+  BISHOP WALSHAM HOW
+
+
+  EDITED BY
+
+  FREDERICK DOUGLAS HOW
+
+
+
+  LONDON
+  ISBISTER AND COMPANY Limited
+  15 & 16 TAVISTOCK STREET COVENT GARDEN
+  1900
+
+
+
+
+  Printed by Ballantyne, Hanson & Co.
+  London & Edinburgh
+
+
+
+
+  PREFACE
+
+
+On Christmas Day, 1891, my father presented me with his collection of
+"Ecclesiastical Jottings," as he called them, having previously had them
+handsomely bound in red leather. When he put them into my hands he
+expressed a hope that I should some day make a little book of them. Up
+to the time of his death he made frequent additions to the collection,
+and I have now gathered most of his stories together in "a little book,"
+according to his wishes.
+
+To _read_ them is to lose so much; yet that is all that one can do now.
+Half their humour seems to have gone with the sound of his voice, the
+merry twinkle of his eye, and his own delight in them.
+
+I cannot help hoping that they may serve to brighten the odd minutes of
+some other lives spent, as his was, in many labours.
+
+There are some people to whom apologies seem due.
+
+First, to those to whom a large number of these stories are already
+familiar. May I ask them to realise that the contents of this volume
+have been so familiar to me that it has been almost impossible for me to
+know which to throw away as chestnuts?
+
+Secondly, I apologise to those whose appreciation of my father's
+goodness and piety is so great that they shrink from the contemplation
+of any other characteristics. To them I would, with great deference,
+suggest that they are putting on one side a large and important part of
+my father's character. No man, as I believe, walked more closely with
+his God, but his influence owed much of its power to the fact that he
+also walked in closest sympathy with men--sympathy not only with their
+tears but with their laughter--sympathy which begot, as it generally
+does, a keen sense of humour.
+
+Thirdly, there are those who, possessing no sense of humour themselves,
+are fearful lest it should appear derogatory to their stupendous
+intellects to appreciate that gift in others. I was going to apologise
+to these also--but, on the whole, I think I won't.
+
+    F. D. H.
+
+  _February 1900._
+
+
+
+
+  LIGHTER MOMENTS
+
+
+Bishop Walsham How was the happy possessor of a nature essentially
+sunny. Deeply pious from his childhood onwards, his piety was neither of
+that morose, narrow, gloomy description met with among some people, nor
+was it of that gushing, uncertain, hysterical kind occasionally found
+among others. He was happy because he was good. His simple joyous life
+was a song of praise to his Creator, like that of a bright spring day.
+He rejoiced in the Lord alway. No one who knew him could fail to be
+struck with this all-pervading note in his character. No matter what the
+anxiety, no matter what the trouble, he was always ready to turn his
+face to the Sun and be gladdened by the Light.
+
+A quality on a slightly lower level, but having its own part in helping
+to sustain his sunniness of disposition, was his keen sense of humour.
+He never could help seeing the funny side of things. A visit to some
+dreary and neglected parish in East London would sadden him, but the
+ready answer of a street boy, or the good story told him by a fellow
+traveller in train or tram, would not fail to be appreciated, and would
+give him something cheery to talk about when he got home.
+
+Surely this sense of humour is in some way closely allied with the power
+of sympathy. This is apparently true in the case of _men_. _Women_ must
+be considered from a different point of view, for, while the world would
+be but a poor place bereft of their sympathy, they have for the most
+part but little sense of humour. Occasionally one meets with a supposed
+exception, but even then one is liable to be deceived. It is natural to
+all women to wish to please, and sometimes an apparently humorous
+disposition is the result of consummate acting. A lady was staying with
+a large house party at a country house, and gained a great reputation by
+her power of telling amusing stories with a vast appreciation of their
+fun. It was noticed that other people's stories were received by her
+with remarkable gravity, and seldom called forth her laughter. This was
+ascribed by some to jealousy, by others to a limited sense of humour. At
+last the true explanation was forthcoming. An accident revealed the fact
+that every story she heard was carefully noted, and entered afterwards
+in a book, with the place and date where it was told. Hence the grave
+attention with which she listened. It was not the fun that attracted
+her, but the opportunity of adding to a store of anecdotes from which a
+selection was carefully rehearsed day by day in her bedroom, to be let
+off like a number of little set pieces for the amusement of the company
+and her own glorification.
+
+Bishop Walsham How entered most of the amusing incidents and stories he
+met with in a notebook, but his sense of humour was very different from
+that of the lady mentioned above. There was no lack of spontaneity. It
+was part and parcel of himself, and he would never have been the man he
+was, or had the influence he possessed, without it.
+
+Although far more men than women seem to have this sense, yet every one
+must be familiar with some few of those unfortunate people in whom it is
+lacking. Let a man think of his schooldays. There were masters who
+_understood_--who saw the joke underlying a breach of discipline; who
+punished, indeed, but who did it with a twinkle in the eye which helped
+to cure the smart. These were the men whom the boys trusted, just
+because they felt that they were sure of sympathy. But there was
+probably one at least among the staff, ponderous, dull, and worthy,
+well-meaning, but a failure simply by reason of an entire lack of the
+sense of humour. By dint of dogged perseverance he got certain facts
+into the heads of his class, but he never succeeded in interesting them
+in their work. He took boys out for a solemn walk, but never gained a
+confidence. What was the good of talking to him? He never had been a
+boy: he could not understand.
+
+It is just the same in other professions. The clergyman with pale and
+heavy features, who sees no fun in anything, may just as well stop at
+home as go round from house to house with his awkward unsympathetic
+questions. The children run away from him, their parents are simply
+bored. The doctor or the lawyer loses touch with his clients when he is
+unfortunate enough to be set down as a man who cannot see a joke.
+
+In fact, the sense of humour is a real part of the power of conveying a
+sense of sympathy. The sympathy _may_ be there in the dullest and
+heaviest of men, but he has not the power of conveying it. One of Bishop
+Walsham How's great delights was to share with others the amusement he
+gleaned from day to day, and it was his wish that after his death some
+of the stories that he collected should be published. Many of them he
+frequently told, and they have been repeated from mouth to mouth till
+they are well known, others were perhaps well known when he first heard
+them. The following selection has been made with the hope of including
+all the more original anecdotes, and it is hoped that they may have some
+small share in keeping alive the memory of one whose sense of humour
+helped to increase his wide-hearted sympathy for his fellow creatures.
+
+    Many of the stories told by Bishop Walsham How centre round
+    Whittington, the Shropshire parish of which he was Rector from
+    1851 to 1879. In the early days of his residence there
+    superstition was exceedingly rife. There is a note by the
+    Bishop to this effect:
+
+The prevalence of superstition in these enlightened days (as we call
+them: how our great-grandchildren will laugh at us!) is most marvellous.
+The following are in this parish generally approved and seriously
+recommended remedies for the whooping-cough, popularly called the
+"chin-cough": To be swung nine times under a donkey. To pass the patient
+three times under and over a briar growing from a hedge, saying, "Over
+the briar and under the briar, and leave the chin-cough behind."[1]
+Anything recommended by a seventh son. (One woman cured several people,
+she tells me, by sending them to meet a boatman who is a seventh son,
+and to ask him what would cure them.) Anything recommended by a man on a
+piebald horse. (I have been told of cures being thus effected by gin,
+honey, cold water, and an ounce of tea taken wholly.)
+
+[Footnote 1: This process I can remember undergoing at the hands of my
+nurse in the garden of Whittington Rectory.--Ed.]
+
+Soon after I came here [Whittington] an old neighbour, Kitty Williams,
+was ill, and my wife was ill at the same time. In speaking of the
+latter fact to an old woman who lived at the hamlet of Babies' Wood, she
+said she hoped we were good to old Kitty, for she had an evil eye and
+might have caused Mrs. How's illness. She then told me the following
+story: When Kitty was young she lived in service near Whittington, but
+was sent away for some misconduct, and after a time married Jonathan
+Williams and came to live where I knew her. From the time she left her
+place nothing prospered there. Cows died, horses went lame, and all went
+wrong. So they consulted a wise woman, who told them to get a pair of
+black horses with long tails and to drive them about till they stopped
+of themselves, and then to give the first woman they saw whatever she
+asked for. They did so; the horses stopped opposite Kitty's cottage
+close by Whittington Rectory. Kitty came out, and they greeted their old
+servant and asked what they should give her. She chose a shawl, so they
+went to Oswestry and bought her one, after which all things prospered
+with them. This was told me with the seriousness of profound belief.[2]
+
+[Footnote 2: The following facts may throw some light on the horses
+stopping at that exact spot. First, they were probably hearse horses;
+secondly, there is a public-house on the other side of the road.--Ed.]
+
+    Scarcely less curious were many of the phrases and sayings which
+    he came across in visiting the old inhabitants of the parish.
+    Here are a few which found a place in his notebook:
+
+A woman from whom I was making some inquiry concerning a neighbour
+answered me, "I really can't tell you, sir, for I've not much confection
+of cheerfulness with my neighbours."
+
+Another woman, who had been ill, described herself to me as being "as
+thin as a halfpenny herring."
+
+A poor woman in the parish, speaking to me of the wonders of the
+heavens, expressed her astonishment at the sun rising in the east,
+whereas it set in the west. "I suppose," she said, "it gets back in the
+night when it is dark."
+
+The following words are given verbatim as spoken by an old woman in the
+parish on the occasion of my first visit soon after I became Rector.
+"The old man and me never go to bed, sir, without singing the Evening
+Hymn. Not that I've got any voice left, for I haven't; and as for him,
+he's like a bee in a bottle; and then he don't humour the tune, for he
+don't rightly know one tune from another, and he can't remember the
+words neither; so when he leaves out a word I puts it in, and when I
+can't sing I dances, and so we gets through it somehow."
+
+    Queer letters, too, find a place among the other curiosities of
+    Whittington. Mrs. How received the following remarkable epistle
+    about a poor woman who had been sent to a lady in Oswestry.
+    There is not a stop in the letter from beginning to end:
+
+I am sorry to send to you Ellen Morris which her his heavy afflicted
+with the favor on the brain which her is not fit to get her living and
+her did go to Mrs. G---- and I did write a note to go to her and her
+said if her had a note from a clergyman her would give her 2 6
+[two-and-six] what does it matter who write a note for a person when
+they are in distress people that can write a note and tell the truth
+which her has got a pair of boots in a shoemaker's shop which her
+cannot get them out without two shilling and her his very near barefoot
+and I hope you will bestow your charity this once for my sake and yours
+what we give to the poor we never shall want which I do give her what I
+can give her and God will bless us all that will give with a good free
+willing heart my dear Mrs. How which I hope you will bestow you are a
+very good to the poor and it his a great charity to give to this poor
+woman yours truly Mrs. D---- which her does beg her living from one or
+another and her does do very well considering.
+
+    The above is the complete letter, no date, and no other word of
+    any sort. Vicarious begging letters are not unknown to the
+    police of our big towns, but the scribe who could not do better
+    than the above would have small chance of employment. A modern
+    London begging letter is often a work of fine art.
+
+    A further note on a curious letter tells how, in December 1875,
+    a good widow in the village received a proposal from a man she
+    had never spoken to, couched in the following terms:
+
+Dear Friend, I am a widower with two little girls, and I want some one
+to take care of them. I think we could live very comfortably together in
+this world, & afterwards we could rejoin those we have loved who have
+gone before. If you accept this, please write & say so on the other side
+of this sheet. If not, please return this letter, & dont make it
+public.[3]
+
+[Footnote 3: Proposal declined.--Ed]
+
+    The famous and eccentric Jack Mytton lived at Halston, a country
+    house in the parish of Whittington, not very long before Bishop
+    Walsham How went there as Rector. Some of the old servants from
+    that house were still living in the village, and wonderful were
+    the stories that they told. One would relate how he was
+    compelled to go out on a snowy night and crawl over the ice to
+    shoot wild ducks with his master, _dressed only in his
+    nightshirt_. Another told how, after Jack Mytton's famous
+    roasting match against a professional roaster in Shrewsbury, his
+    master called for him in his carriage on his way home, and drove
+    him up to Halston that he might _scrape_ him where he was burnt.
+    Happily such days were over before 1850, and no doubt the
+    stories of these old servants lost nothing in the telling. One
+    of the last to survive was the subject of the following passage
+    in the notebook:
+
+Mrs. J----, formerly housekeeper at Halston in Mr. Mytton's time, has
+long been a sufferer from asthma. She lost a sister, and in speaking of
+arrangements for the funeral told me she had a vault made for four, in
+which three, including her own husband, had been already buried, and
+that she wished her sister to have the fourth place. When I said,
+"Surely, that is meant for yourself," she answered, "No, I never could
+breathe in a vault. I must have fresh air. She shall have it, and I'll
+be buried in the open ground, if you please."
+
+    While speaking of Halston a good story may find a place
+    concerning the gentleman who owned the property in Bishop
+    Walsham How's time.
+
+One of my curates, in walking down from Frankton, fell in with a man
+who startled him by saying what a pity it was that the owner of Halston
+was not a better man. On being asked what he meant, the man said that no
+good man would do as was being done on that property, and build cottages
+in pairs or close together. My curate asked why not, and the man said,
+"Because it is written 'Thou shalt not add house to house'"; and, on my
+curate explaining the true meaning to him, he repudiated it entirely,
+and said he had no doubt the thing was condemned in the Bible because
+next-door neighbours always quarrel.
+
+    Here is an account of a curious interview the Rector had with a
+    local stonemason. Probably the spread of education would make
+    such a thing impossible to-day.
+
+A stonemason one day brought a stone to put into the churchyard, with a
+verse on it in which occurred the line--
+
+  Till life's brief span be ended.
+
+I had given no permission for this, and make a rule of refusing to allow
+poetical effusions upon tombstones. However, the mason had omitted the
+'s' after "life," so I was able to remonstrate with him, and told him
+that if he had sent me his epitaph beforehand I could at least have
+saved him from making ridiculous mistakes. He was quite incredulous, and
+asked me to point out the mistake. When I did so he put his head on one
+side, and, after contemplating the stone for some moments, said, "Now
+_I_ should say, if you were to put an 's' in that line, it would come in
+better after 'brief.'"
+
+    Some anecdotes relating to pastoral visits occur here and there
+    in the notebooks. The following story is interesting as
+    illustrating the fact that it does not always do to trust to
+    first impressions.
+
+I was visiting on his death bed an old man in the village called John
+Richards, and one day found a very rough-looking fellow sitting by the
+head of his bed with his hands in his pockets, and his legs stretched
+out, so I asked him if he was the old man's son, to which he answered
+with a rough "Yes." I then asked him where he lived, and he answered in
+the same insolent tone, "Manchester." So, thinking he was not a
+pleasant specimen of Manchester manners, I took no further notice of
+him, but read and prayed with his father as if he were not there, he
+sitting in the same irreverent attitude all the time. Just as I was
+going he said abruptly, "I'll tell ye something." "Well," I said, "what
+is it?" "I had a mate once," he said, "down with the small-pox, uncommon
+bad, black as your hat. 'John,' he says to me, 'fetch me a minister.' So
+I went for one of these Chapel ministers, and I says to him, 'Come along
+o' me, I've got a mate bad.' So he came. So when we got to the house,
+before we went up, I says, 'You don't know what's the matter with him?'
+and he says, 'No, what is it?' 'Small-pox,' I said, 'as black as your
+hat.' And what do you think he did?" "I don't know," I said. "Why, run
+away!" he said, breaking into a loud laugh. I thought this was the end
+of the story, and that it was meant as a hit at all ministers, but he
+went on, "I warn't to be done that way, so next I goes for a Church
+minister, and I says to him, 'Come along o' me, I've got a mate bad.'
+And _he_ came. Well, when we got to the foot of the stairs I says to him
+just like t'other one, 'You don't know what's the matter with him?' and
+he says, 'No, what is it?' So I says again, 'Small-pox as black as your
+hat.' Well, what do you think this chap did?" "Not run away, I hope," I
+answered. "No," he shouted in the most defiant way, "No, he walked
+straight up to the bedside and prayed with him just like you've done
+with my father." So I found that my rough and defiant friend was all the
+time paying me a compliment. But it was the most pugnacious bit of
+friendship I ever encountered.
+
+    No one who knew the Bishop and his wide-hearted sympathy would
+    think for a moment that he told this story to contrast the
+    ministers of various denominations. That was not the point. The
+    fun lay in the man's manner. Might it not be fair to suggest
+    that possibly the one minister had been vaccinated while the
+    other was a "conscientious objector" arrived before his time?
+    Here is another story of pastoral visitation:
+
+A woman in a small Welsh farmhouse [Whittington is on the border of
+Wales] being taken very ill, a neighbour went for the clergyman, who
+said he would come directly. The neighbour going back to the farmhouse
+said they had better get out a Bible, as the parson might ask for one.
+The farmer thereupon told the woman she would find one, he thought, at
+the bottom of an old chest, "for thank goodness," he added, "we have had
+no occasion for them sort of books for many a long year--never since the
+old cow was so bad."
+
+    Talking of family Bibles, when Bishop Walsham How was Rector of
+    Whittington he copied the following list from the entries in the
+    family Bible of some people called Turner. The names are those
+    of the twelve children of the family:
+
+    1. Turnerina de Margaret.
+    2. Turnerannah de Mary Elizabeth.
+    3. Alfred Fitz Cawley de Walker.
+    4. Bernard de Belton.
+    5. Cornelius la Compston.
+    6. Turnerica Henrica Ulrica da Gloria de Lavinia Rebekah.
+    7. John de Hillgreave.
+    8. Eignah de George Turner Jones.
+    9. Fighonghangal o Temardugh Hope de Hindley.
+    10. Turnwell William ap Owen de Pringle.
+    11. Turnerietta de Johannah Jane de Faith.
+    12. Faithful Thomas.
+
+    Surely the father who invented these names was a born humorist!
+    It must have been the father, for no mother would have permitted
+    her children to be thus bedizened with absurd appellations if it
+    had not been that her lack of humour failed to see the fun of
+    her husband's gorgeous caricature of the "upper ten."
+
+    It has often been said that the power of recognising an object
+    when represented in a picture is not natural but acquired. The
+    following story of one of the "Old Men's Dinners" at Whittington
+    Rectory goes to show that in the early days of photography the
+    rustic population had difficulty in discerning the portraits
+    somewhat dimly shadowed forth on the old-fashioned glass and
+    metal plates.
+
+I always have a dinner of from twenty to thirty of the oldest men of
+the parish on New Year's day, and on one of these occasions I was
+displaying to my guests a photograph of two old men who had long worked
+at the Rectory, and who were taken in their working clothes, one with a
+spade, and the other holding a little tree as if about to plant it. A
+very deaf old man, Richard Jones, took it in his hand, and looking at it
+said, "Beautiful! Beautiful!" So I shouted, "Who are they, Richard?"
+"Why," he said, "it's Abraham offering up Isaac, to be sure!" I tried to
+undeceive him, and, as the old men who had been photographed were
+sitting opposite to him, I said, "You'll see them before you if you will
+look up." But all I could get was a serene smile, "Yes, yes, I sees 'em
+before me--by faith."
+
+    The Rector of Whittington was blessed with a succession of
+    valuable curates, who for the most part became his close
+    personal friends, and he was also on the most friendly terms
+    with the clergy of the neighbouring parishes. Concerning his
+    curates or his neighbours, he would now and then note an amusing
+    incident, some of which must find a place here while we are
+    dealing with his Whittington career.
+
+When the curacy of Whittington was vacant on one occasion I had an
+application from a young clergyman who sent me a sermon on Baptism,
+which he had preached in his last parish, thinking that I should like to
+see what his doctrine was. However, his opinion on every controverted
+point was studiously concealed. I have, nevertheless, preserved one
+passage, the doctrine of which is interesting. It ran as follows: "In
+the East baptism was frequently practised by immersion, but in a cold
+climate like ours, where we apply water only to the face and hands, such
+a practice would be injurious to the health."
+
+
+A very shy, nervous curate of mine had to take the service alone here
+one Sunday morning soon after his ordination. There were banns of
+marriage for two couples to give out, the first being for the third time
+of asking, and the second for the first. After reading out the four
+names he paused, turned very red, and astounded the congregation by
+adding, "The first are last and the last first."
+
+
+When the house, in which a curate of mine lodged, changed hands, the new
+landlady agreed to pay the old one £10 for the curate. He complained to
+us that, having been paid for, he could not leave, however uncomfortable
+he might be. Shortly afterwards the new landlady told him that she had
+not paid the £10 and could not do so, so he paid it for her, thus paying
+his own valuation!
+
+
+A neighbour of mine, a clergyman, who had a great dislike of
+discouraging little children, was one day examining a class, and asked
+how many sons Noah had. "Four," a little girl answered. "Ah! yes," he
+said, "perhaps, but one died young." He next asked what their names
+were. "Adam," suggested a small child. "Yes, my child," he said, "that
+would doubtless be the one that died young."
+
+
+An Irish curate in Oswestry quoted in his sermon "the deaf adder that
+stoppeth her ears," and, being suddenly struck with the physical
+difficulties of the process, he paused a moment, and then proceeded.
+"How does she stop her ears? I suppose, my friends, she must clap one
+ear on the ground and stick her tail in the other." Curiously enough I
+see that Brunetto Latini, in his "Booke of Beastes," relates this as a
+fact in natural history. Latini was contemporary with Dante, and a
+great naturalist, but of the inventive sort.
+
+    The following story will be recognised by many, in spite of the
+    absence of names. When we were children it was one of our
+    greatest treats to be taken to see the clergyman in question,
+    who was very kind to us and used to ask us to play drums and
+    other instruments in his quaint sitting-room. The occasions of
+    his visits to our house were also much looked forward to, as he
+    was sure to do something original. He once came to a dinner
+    party and brought two or three musical-boxes which he set off,
+    all playing different tunes at the same time, during dinner.
+    This is the story that occurs in the notebook:
+
+The first time that Archdeacon Wickham visited this deanery as
+archdeacon I drove him to a parsonage where the incumbent insisted upon
+his inspecting everything. In the garden is a little pond, and over this
+pond we beheld a strange erection of posts and planks, with a sort of
+saddle-like seat on the top. On the Archdeacon asking the incumbent
+what it was, he explained with great delight that it was a capital
+contrivance by which you could take exercise and make yourself useful by
+pumping water up to the church, where he had just been building a
+transept. So, saying that he would show us, he clambered up, sat down on
+the saddle smiling, and began to work the treadles eagerly.
+Unfortunately, however, the work at the church having been just
+finished, the pipe which had conveyed the water to the workmen had been
+cut off just above the surface of the water. The consequence was that he
+immediately produced a jet of water which shot straight upwards and
+almost lifted him off his seat, entirely upsetting the archidiaconal
+gravity. As we returned to the house the incumbent begged the Archdeacon
+to go into the back yard and smell the pump, which, he said, stank
+horribly. The Archdeacon protested that he had no authority over pumps,
+but he would take no denial, and when he got into the backyard he said,
+"Now, Mr. Archdeacon, if you will put your nose to the spout, I will
+pump." The Archdeacon was, however, quite equal to the occasion, and
+said, "No, I depute the Rural Dean to put his nose to the spout, and I
+will receive his report, and, if needed, pronounce an ecclesiastical
+censure."
+
+    Bishop Walsham How's love of botany took him frequently into the
+    wilder and more mountainous parts of the neighbourhood, and in
+    the course of these expeditions he made friends with the
+    gentleman, since dead, of whom he tells the following story:
+
+The Vicar of the little parish of Criggion, under the Breidden hills,
+asked me once to come there for a certain All Saints' Day, when he was
+going to have a meeting of choirs. I could not go, but seeing him a
+little while afterwards, I asked him how the choral festival had gone
+off. "Oh! very well," he said. "And how many choirs had you?" I asked
+"Oh, well, only two," he said; "L----'s from over the hill and my own."
+"And how many voices had you?" I next asked. "You should not be so
+inquisitive," he said, "but to tell the truth, there were only his
+Buttons and my own little maid!"
+
+    Before he went to Whittington, he had some experience of another
+    quaint character among Shropshire clergymen, as is related in
+    the following passage taken from the notebook:
+
+Mr. C---- was curate of a parish near Shrewsbury when I was curate of
+Holy Cross and St. Giles' in that town. He was very eccentric in all his
+ways. Among other peculiarities he, though very High Church in views,
+adopted a very secular style of dress. Archdeacon Allen undertook on one
+occasion to speak to him on the subject, and at a Visitation very kindly
+and pleasantly remarked that his dress was not quite what was usual on
+such occasions. Whereupon Mr. C----, taking hold of the Archdeacon's
+coat, said, "Well, Mr. Archdeacon, you know _this_ is not quite the
+correct thing: I believe it is an old coat made to do!" The Archdeacon
+could not resist a good laugh, and acknowledged that he was quite right
+in his supposition.
+
+
+One day my good fellow curate, the Rev. F. P. Johnson, was walking along
+the road when he saw Mr. C---- approaching, a gaunt figure with long
+strides, in a striped waistcoat and blue muffetees, intoning at the top
+of his voice the prayer for the Queen's most excellent Majesty. He
+slackened pace, finished the prayer, duly sang the Amen, and then shook
+hands with a hearty "How do you do, old fellow?" On Johnson expressing
+astonishment at the performance, he said he was only saying Matins as in
+duty bound, and, since his rector would not have it in church and he had
+no time in his lodgings in Shrewsbury, he always said it as he came back
+from visiting the school in the morning. "If you had been a minute or
+two sooner," he added, "you would just have come in for the anthem. You
+know 'in choirs and places where they sing, here followeth the anthem.'"
+"And what anthem did you have to-day?" asked Johnson. "Oh," he replied,
+"I always have the same, for I only know one. When I come to that place
+I always sing 'God save the Queen.'"
+
+
+Another time Mr. C---- was spending a day with Mr. Peake, then curate of
+Ellesmere. At noon he went up to his room, and Mr. Peake heard him
+whistling very strangely on one note. He went up, knocked at his door,
+and asked him what he was doing. "Oh nothing," said Mr. C----. "But what
+are you whistling in that queer way for?" said Mr. Peake. "Oh, well, if
+you must know," he answered, "I was saying my prayers." "Saying your
+prayers!" said Mr. Peake, "why, you were whistling!" "Yes, I know," said
+Mr. C----; "the fact is your maid was cleaning your room next to mine,
+and I thought she would think it odd perhaps if I intoned my sexts, as I
+generally do, so I thought I would whistle them to-day."
+
+    Several stories occur in connection with Oswestry, which was the
+    market town for Whittington.
+
+Extract from a sermon preached by a curate of Oswestry upon the scene
+between St. Paul and St. Peter at Antioch. The words were taken down at
+the time [N.B.--_Hibernice legendum_]: "So Paul seized the banner of the
+Gospel out of the hands of poor, weak, compromising Peter, and waved it
+in a flood of light and liberty over the head of the Galatian Church."
+
+
+    Again:
+
+A certain Calvinistic curate of Oswestry met a neighbour who had
+unhappily seceded to Rome, and thus described the interview to his
+vicar. "I met ---- yesterday, and said to him, 'Not a day of my life
+passes that I do not pray for you.' And what do you think he said? Why,
+'And not a day of _my_ life passes that I do not pray for _you_.' The
+impudence of the fellow!"
+
+
+    Here is another:
+
+A certain clergyman of this diocese, risen from the ranks, was preaching
+at Trinity Church, Oswestry, and found in the course of the service that
+he had forgotten his pocket-handkerchief. As he felt he should require
+one during the sermon, the weather being very warm, he asked a lady in a
+pew close to the pulpit, as he went up, to lend him hers, which he duly
+returned as he went down again!
+
+    Whittington being on the borders of Wales, Dissent was
+    extremely prevalent, and the Church's action towards Dissenters
+    was a burning subject. Hence the following story:
+
+At a clerical meeting soon after I came into these parts the subject
+discussed was, "How to treat Dissenters." After most of those present
+had spoken, a neighbouring rector said, "I make it a principle never to
+speak to Dissenters about religious matters. But I have a very good
+garden with a southern slope, and I send them baskets of early
+vegetables, and by this means I have brought several over to the
+Church."
+
+    Next come two stories from the same neighbourhood of Oswestry,
+    but of a more unclerical nature:
+
+A relation of Sir Watkin Wynn was one day hunting with those hounds when
+his horse stumbled in a lane and fell with him. Whereupon Simpson, at
+that time Sir Watkin's second horseman, jumped off to help him, and
+thinking him dangerously hurt tried to comfort him with a text of
+Scripture, saying, "Ah, sir! naked we came out of our mother's womb and
+naked we shall return thither!"
+
+
+Dr. B----, of Oswestry, has three horses which he has named "High
+Church," "Low Church," and "Broad Church." The reason he gives is that
+the first is always on his knees, the second never, and as for the third
+you never know what he will do next.
+
+    This last story leads on naturally to a number of good things on
+    the subject of Ritualism. A High Churchman was practically an
+    unknown quantity in those parts when Bishop Walsham How first
+    went to be Rector of Whittington in 1851. The smallest
+    innovation or improvement in a service, such as are generally
+    accepted nowadays in Evangelical Churches, raised a storm of
+    protest, and the ignorance displayed by newspapers as well as by
+    private individuals is almost past belief in these days when we
+    have been satiated with articles and correspondence on "advanced
+    practices." For instance:
+
+A Wellington paper, commenting severely on the supposed ritualistic
+practices at Welsh Hampton, spoke of the Vicar as "practising the most
+unblushing celibacy."
+
+
+The same paper describing an evening service at St. Mary's, Shrewsbury,
+spoke of the vicar as walking in procession with his curate from the
+vestry and then entering the desk and beginning the evening service,
+"or, as, borrowing the language of these gentlemen, we ought more
+correctly to say, evening matins."
+
+
+A short time ago the Reverend James Hook, Vicar of Morton, was coming to
+see me by train. There were several women in the carriage, and one of
+them began to talk to the others about Whittington, asking them if they
+knew what shocking things were done in the church there. She then said
+she once went into Whittington Church and saw the host on the altar.
+There were great exclamations of horror, when Mr. Hook quietly looked up
+from his paper and said, "I beg your pardon, what did you see?" "The
+host on the altar, sir," she said. "Oh, and what was it like?" She
+hesitated and said she could not exactly describe it. He told her not to
+mind about being very exact, but would she tell him what sort of a thing
+it was? She then said she did not notice very carefully. So he then said
+he would tell her what it meant, and having done so, he told her how
+wicked it was to invent such stories. She was then frightened, and said
+with some alarm, "Well, sir, I am certain I saw two rows of candlesticks
+down the two sides of the church."
+
+
+An advertisement copied from the _Liverpool Courier_, January 1874.
+[_N.B._--This refers to a prosecution of Mr. Parnell, of St. Margaret's,
+for ritualistic practices.] "Parnell Prosecution.--A gentleman who
+intends subscribing £10 to the St. Margaret's Defence Fund is desirous
+to pair with gentleman about to subscribe the same sum towards the
+prosecution, in order to save the pockets of both. Address C. I.,
+_Courier_ Office."
+
+
+A clergyman going into a very advanced church could not make out what
+they were doing, and said he tried various parts of the Prayer-book in
+vain, and at last bethought him of "Prayers for those at sea." But this,
+too, failed, so he gave up trying.
+
+
+A clergyman going to see a parish offered him, was shown it by a farmer
+churchwarden, who in the course of conversation said, "Are there many
+Puseyites, sir, where you come from?" He answered, "Not many; are there
+many here?" Farmer: "There used to be, but they are getting scarce now."
+"How do you account for that?" Farmer: "Well, sir, the boys have taken
+the eggs." This curious reason was explained when it turned out that the
+farmer meant "peewits."
+
+
+A lady friend of mine the other day wrote to say that their clergyman
+was accused of ritualistic tendencies. She could not herself discover
+them, but she said he certainly had something on the back of his neck
+which to her looked like a button, but which she was credibly informed
+was really the thin end of the wedge.
+
+    As may be supposed a large number of the stories in Bishop
+    Walsham How's note-book refer to curious incidents and awkward
+    situations during divine service. The following are a selection
+    of anecdotes of this class, and are in almost every case
+    authentic.
+
+My grandfather, the Reverend Peter How, was Rector of Workington, in
+Cumberland, where there was (and is untouched to this day, 1878!) a
+large "three-decker" clerk's desk, reading-desk, and pulpit, one on top
+of the other, blocking up the centre of the church and, of course, all
+facing west. My grandfather was reading the prayers one Sunday, when his
+large black dog came into church and found him out, so he opened the
+door, to which is attached a small flight of steps, and the dog came in
+and lay down under the seat, unseen by the congregation, who were deeply
+ensconced in the high square pews, and at last was forgotten by his
+master. In due time the latter went to the vestry, put on his black
+gown, and ascended the pulpit, when, soon after beginning his sermon, he
+became aware that the people were all convulsed with laughter, and
+looking down over the pulpit cushion he saw his dog with its hind legs
+on the seat and its forefeet on the cushion of the reading-desk gravely
+regarding the congregation.
+
+    Another story of the Bishop's grandfather follows:
+
+My grandfather was once baptizing a small collier boy of three or four
+years old at Workington. Other children having been first baptized, he
+proceeded to baptize this boy also, but when he put the water on his
+forehead the boy turned upon him fiercely, saying, "What did you do that
+for, ye great black dog? I did nothing to you!"
+
+    Workington was also the scene of an awkward situation in which,
+    when a very young man, the Bishop found himself.
+
+When I was a deacon, and naturally shy, I was visiting my aunts in
+Workington, where my grandfather had been Rector, and was asked to
+preach on Sunday evening in St. John's, a wretched modern church--a
+plain oblong with galleries, and a pulpit like a very tall wineglass,
+with a very narrow little straight staircase leading up to it, in the
+middle of the east part of the church. When the hymn before the sermon
+was given out I went as usual to the vestry to put on the black gown.
+Not knowing that the clergyman generally stayed there till the end of
+the hymn, I emerged as soon as I had thus vested myself and walked to
+the pulpit and ascended the stairs. When nearly at the summit, to my
+horror I discovered a very fat beadle in the pulpit lighting the
+candles. We could not possibly pass on the stairs, and the eyes of the
+whole congregation were upon me. It would be ignominious to retreat. So
+after a few minutes' reflection I saw my way out of the difficulty,
+which I overcame by a very simple mechanical contrivance. I entered the
+pulpit, which exactly fitted the beadle and myself, and then face to
+face we executed a rotatory movement to the extent of a semi-circle,
+when the beadle finding himself next the door of the pulpit was enabled
+to descend, and I remained master of the situation.
+
+
+When curate at Kidderminster, I had on one occasion to baptize nine
+children at once. The ninth was a boy of nearly two years of age, and
+was taken up and put into my arms. This he stoutly resisted, beginning
+immediately to kick with all his might. His clothes being very loose
+and very short, he very soon kicked himself all but out of them, but I
+had got him fast by his clothes and his head, and was repeating the
+words of reception into the Church with as much gravity as I could
+command, when his mother, possessing a strong maternal appreciation of
+the fair proportions of her lively offspring and a relatively weak
+appreciation of the solemnity of the occasion, remarked aloud to me,
+with a gratified smile, "He's a nice little lump, sir, isn't he?"
+
+
+The Earl of Powis, among his many acts of generous kindness, has given
+substantial aid to the Rev. C. F. Lowder's very poor district of St.
+Peter's, London Docks. He went to the laying of the stone of the church
+there, and just as the ceremony was about to begin a bottle was handed
+by some one to Mr. Lowder. He could not make it out, and consulted Lord
+Powis, who at last ingeniously suggested that, as it looked like oil, it
+was probably intended for the anointing of the stone. So they agreed to
+pour it quietly on the stone then and there. The smell that arose was
+dreadful, but the service began, and very few had noticed the bottle.
+In the evening an old woman, a former parishioner, came up to Mr.
+Lowder, and asked after his rheumatism, and said she hoped he got the
+bottle. On his saying, "Oh, yes, it reached me quite safely," she
+explained that it was a wonderful cure for rheumatism, which she had
+manufactured herself.
+
+    If an ingenious way was on this occasion found out of a
+    difficulty, what about the next?
+
+When Archbishop Longley was Bishop of Durham, he was one day obliged to
+absent himself from the prayers in his chapel, and asked an old
+clergyman who happened to be there to read the prayers. It happened that
+the first lesson was Judges V., and in reading verse 17 the poor old
+clergyman, mindful of the presence of Mrs. and the Miss Longleys,
+modestly altered the last word and read, "Asher continued on the
+sea-shore, and abode in his garments." This was told me by a daughter of
+Archbishop Longley.
+
+
+A former vicar of Newbiggin received a message one Sunday morning from
+a neighbouring clergyman, who had been taken ill, to ask if he could
+provide for his duty. So he sent to his curate (my brother-in-law) to
+tell him he should not be at church that morning, ordered his carriage,
+and put an old sermon, which he had no time to look at, in his pocket.
+When he began to preach he soon found out that the sermon was one which
+he had preached on bidding farewell to his first curacy. For a page or
+two he tried to omit the more pointed allusions to the occasion of its
+previous use (which must have been many years before), but, to quote his
+own account, "I soon found that wouldn't do, as it was all about it, so
+I spoke boldly of the close of my twelve years' ministry among them, and
+I do assure you, sir, I left many of the congregation in tears."
+
+    A somewhat similar story comes a little later in the book, but
+    must be placed here:
+
+A shy, nervous clergyman near Bradford was about to help a friend by
+reading the prayers when a message came to say that a neighbouring
+incumbent was taken ill and to ask for help. The rector could not go, so
+the friend had to be sent, but, having no sermon with him, he borrowed
+one from the rector, who wrote a clear good hand. He selected one well
+written, of which the subject was "the value of time," and meant to read
+it over on the way, but eventually did not like to do so as he sat
+beside a servant who drove him over. So it happened that he had to read
+it for the first time in the pulpit. He got on very well till he came to
+a sentence saying that, as the parish possessed no church clock, it was
+his intention to present one. He was too nervous to omit the sentence,
+and (I was assured at Bradford) did actually present the promised clock,
+which cost £70.
+
+    Here is another authentic sermon story:
+
+While an undergraduate at Oxford I went with some friends to hear a
+somewhat noted Evangelical preacher preach for the Church Missionary
+Society at St. Peter's Church. He was exceedingly affected and
+bombastic, and, having tickled us undergraduates a good deal by his
+manner, at last produced a complete explosion by involving himself in a
+hopeless difficulty by a metaphor after this fashion: "When I
+contemplate the great human family I am often reminded of some mighty
+river. See how it draws its tribute of many waters from many a distant
+land, many a mountain range, and many a wide moor-land, sending their
+ever-growing streams to swell the noble river as it pursues its way down
+the valley, till all these various tributaries converging into one great
+volume, it pours its glorious flood into the bosom of the boundless
+ocean! Such, my brethren, is the race of man." Here the preacher paused,
+and it was quite obvious to every one that he saw that his metaphor was
+just the wrong way up! So he coughed and hemmed, and changed the
+subject.
+
+
+At Uffington, near Shrewsbury, during the incumbency of the Rev. J.
+Hopkins, the choir and organist, having been dissatisfied with some
+arrangement, determined not to take part in the service. So when the
+clerk, according to the usual custom of those days, gave out the hymn,
+there was dead silence. This lasted a little while, and then the clerk,
+unable to bear it, rose up and appealed to the congregation, saying most
+imploringly, "Them as _can_ sing _do_ ye sing: it's misery to be a
+this'n" (Shropshire for "in this way").
+
+
+Canon B---- was on a voyage to Egypt in a Cunard steamer, and on Sunday,
+in the Bay of Biscay, he undertook to hold a service. He read one of the
+sentences, and said "Dearly beloved brethren, the Scripture moveth us in
+sundry places," when he had to bolt and collapse. He told me he thought
+this a record service for brevity.
+
+
+At St. Saviour's, Hoxton, the daily prayer is held in the south chancel
+aisle. The Vicar, the Rev. John Oakley, having to go out, left the
+evening service at 8.30 to a curate, but, returning home at 8.50,
+thought he would step in to the west end of the church and be in time
+for the end of the service. When he went in, to his dismay he saw a few
+women kneeling in the accustomed place but no clergyman. Concluding that
+the curate had forgotten, he rapidly passed up the north aisle to the
+vestry, slipped on a surplice, went across to the south side and read
+the service. He afterwards found that the curate had already done so,
+but, being in a hurry, had somewhat shortened it, and had left the
+church a minute before he (Mr. O.) arrived. The good women who always
+knelt some time at the close of the service thus did double duty that
+evening.
+
+
+At Kensington parish church one of the curates asked for the prayers of
+the congregation for "a family crossing the Atlantic, and other sick
+persons."
+
+
+At Wolstanton in the Potteries there was a somewhat fussy verger called
+Oakes. On one occasion just at the time of year when it was doubtful
+whether lights would be wanted or no, and when they had not yet been
+lighted for evening service, a stranger, who was a very smart young
+clergyman, was reading the lessons and had some difficulty in seeing. He
+had on a pair of delicate lavender kid gloves. The verger, perceiving
+his difficulty, went to the vestry, got two candles, lighted them, and
+walked to the lectern, before which he stood solemnly holding the
+candles (without candlesticks) in his hands. This was sufficiently
+trying to the congregation, but suddenly some one rattled the latch of
+the west door, when Oakes, feeling that it was absolutely necessary to
+go and see what was the matter, thrust the two candles into the poor
+young clergyman's delicately gloved hands, and left him!
+
+
+A clergyman in a church in Lancashire gave out as his text, "The devil
+as a roaring lion goeth about seeking whom he may devour," and then
+added, "The Bishop of Manchester has announced his intention of visiting
+all the parishes in the diocese, and hopes to visit this parish on such
+a date."
+
+
+A former young curate of Stoke being very anxious to do things
+rubrically, insisted on the ring being put on the "fourth finger" at a
+wedding he took. The woman resisted and said, "I would rather die than
+be married on my little finger." The curate said, "But the rubric says
+so," whereupon the _deus ex machinâ_ appeared in the shape of the parish
+clerk, who stepped forward and said, "In these cases, sir, the thoomb
+counts as a digit."
+
+
+The rector of Thornhill near Dewsbury, on one occasion could not get the
+woman to say, "obey," in the marriage service, and he repeated the word
+with a strong stress on each syllable, saying, "You must say, _O-bey_."
+Whereupon the man interfered and said, "Never mind; go on, parson. I'll
+mak' her say 'O' by-and-by."
+
+
+At the church of Strathfieldsaye, where the Duke of Wellington was a
+regular attendant, a stranger was preaching, and the verger when he
+ended came up the stairs, opened the pulpit door a little way, slammed
+it to, and then opened it wide for the preacher to go out. He asked in
+the vestry why he had shut the door again while opening it, and the
+verger said, "We always do that sir, to wake the duke."
+
+
+Mr. Ibbetson, of St. Michael's, Walthamstow, was marrying a couple when
+the ring was found to be too tight. A voice from behind exclaimed, "Suck
+your finger, you fool."
+
+    Two or three stories about vergers naturally find a place here.
+    Possibly some of them are well known, but, even so, they will
+    bear repetition.
+
+A gentleman going to see a ritualistic church in London was walking
+into the chancel when an official stepped forward and said, "You mustn't
+go in there." "Why not?" said the gentleman. "I'm put here to stop you,"
+said the man. "Oh! I see," said the gentleman, "you're what they call
+the _rude_ screen, aren't you?"
+
+
+A clergyman in the diocese of Wakefield told me that when he first came
+to the parish he found things in a very neglected state, and among other
+changes he introduced an early celebration of the Holy Communion. An old
+clerk collected the offertory, and when he brought it up to the
+clergyman he said, "There's eight on 'em, but two 'asn't paid."
+
+
+A verger was showing a lady over a church when she asked him if the
+vicar was a married man. "No, ma'am," he answered, "he's a chalybeate."
+
+
+A verger showing a large church to a stranger, pointed out another man
+and said, "That is the other verger." The gentleman said, "I did not
+know there were two of you," and the verger replied, "Oh yes, sir, he
+werges up one side of the church and I werges up the other."
+
+    Two little stories connected with Bishop Walsham How's episcopal
+    life may well conclude the anecdotes about vergers. The Bishop's
+    dislike of ostentation was well known. He caused much amusement
+    on one occasion when living in London, by frustrating the
+    designs of a pompous verger. It had been this man's custom to
+    meet the Bishop at the door of the church, and precede him up
+    the centre aisle _en route_ for the vestry, thus making a little
+    extra procession of his own. One day the Bishop, after handing
+    this verger his bag, let him go on his way up the centre of the
+    church, and himself slipped off up a side aisle, and gained the
+    vestry unobserved, while the verger marched up in a solemn
+    procession of _one_!
+
+    The other story occurs in the note-book, and runs as follows:
+
+On my first visit to Almondbury to preach, the verger came to me in the
+vestry, and said, "A've put a platform in t' pulpit for ye; you'll
+excuse me, but a little man looks as if he was in a toob." (N.B. To
+prevent undue inferences I am five feet nine inches in height.)
+
+    Bishop Walsham How's love of children was well known, and it is
+    not surprising to find a large number of stories about them in
+    his note-book. These stories are mainly of two kinds, those
+    relating to answers made in Sunday school, &c., and those of a
+    more general nature.
+
+    Some examples of the latter follow, but it must be borne in mind
+    that these stories have, many of them, become well known owing
+    to the Bishop's fondness of telling them. If he was not able to
+    enjoy children's society, the next best thing was to talk about
+    them.
+
+A very little girl, when taken to church, always knelt down reverently
+to say a short prayer when she went in. Her mother, not having taught
+her any prayer to say at that time, asked her to tell her what she said.
+The child answered that she always prayed that there might be no Litany.
+
+
+A little boy had a German nursery governess, and told her he thought she
+ought to learn Hebrew. On her saying she didn't see the use of that, he
+explained that it was that she might say her prayers properly, for he
+was sure God knew Hebrew, but he didn't think He could be expected to
+understand German.
+
+
+A child being taken to the seaside for the first time, was asked how she
+liked it, and in answer said it was very beautiful, but she didn't see
+"all the tinnimies," an expectation due to her private version of the
+Fourth Commandment.
+
+
+I recollect, when a child, being exceedingly interested and affected by
+a story which used to be read to me from a small periodical--I think it
+was called the _Magazine for the Young_--about two boys who went to
+school. Their names were Master Cruelty and Master Innocent Sweetlove,
+the former taking with him to school a bow and arrow, and the latter a
+dove in a cage and a lute. The natural result followed, Master Cruelty
+shooting Master Innocent Sweetlove's dove, and the latter thereupon
+taking his lute into the churchyard, and, seated on a tombstone,
+solacing his grief with mournful music. This seemed to me very
+beautiful!
+
+
+One of the children of the Vicar of St. Peter's, Eaton Square, told his
+father he thought some of the things they collected for in church were
+very silly. He could not think why they should have a collection for the
+Bishop of London's fun.
+
+
+Archdeacon Denison told me that his brother, when a boy, among many bits
+of mischief did the following: His father was very fond of pictures, and
+had one of the death of Isaac in which the patriarch appeared lying on a
+couch in a splendid crimson damask tent supported by four Corinthian
+pillars, with a beautiful white damask table-cloth spread on the table
+before him. Through the tent door you saw Esau running after a stag
+while Jacob was bringing in the savoury meat. The offender one day
+carefully painted on the corner of the table-cloth "Isaac 6."
+
+
+A boy being asked whether he always said his prayers, said, "Yes, always
+at night." He was then asked, "And why not in the morning?" To which he
+answered, "Because a strong boy of nine, like me, ought to be able to
+take care of himself in the daytime."
+
+
+Two little boys, grandchildren of a former vicar of Great Yarmouth, were
+looking at some pictures in a copy of "Bunyan's Holy War," and found one
+of the devil chained. One of them asked his mother whether the devil was
+chained, and, being told "no," asked whether he ever would be. To this
+she answered, "Yes, some day." The boy replied, "When he is, need we say
+our prayers?"
+
+    The Bishop had a niece who is head-mistress of the Godolphin
+    High School at Salisbury, and the following story was told him
+    by her.
+
+A child at the school asked if there were any saints now. The mistress
+replied that she hoped there were many, on which the child said, "Then,
+I suppose they've left off wearing those hats," by which she meant the
+_nimbus_.
+
+    The next story is told of a little great-niece of the Bishop
+    called Molly.
+
+Little Molly, aged four, after saying her prayers one evening to her
+aunt, remarked, "There's no one to make you say your prayers as you make
+me." "No," her aunt said, "we don't want any one to make us, for we like
+saying our prayers." "Do you?" said Molly, "Then I wish you'd ask God
+not to let my goloshes fall off so often."
+
+
+A little girl unused to surpliced choirs, on seeing such a choir enter
+the church, whispered in dismay to her mother, "They're not _all_ going
+to preach, are they?"
+
+    The Bishop was chairman of the Committee of the Society for
+    providing Homes for Waifs and Strays, and in connection with
+    this work told the following story:
+
+Some children kept some hens, and were allowed to sell the eggs for the
+"Waifs and Strays." One Sunday morning they brought nine eggs in to
+their father and mother, and said, "We did give it out to the hens that
+there would be a collection to-day."
+
+    The annual children's parties which the Bishop delighted to
+    give were great events, and the following incident which
+    occurred at one of them must find a place here:
+
+At a children's party given by me shortly after the death of Archbishop
+Thompson we had a Punch and Judy to amuse the children. The man who
+showed it came up to my son before the performance and said that he had
+heard that I had been at the Archbishop's funeral, and perhaps I should
+prefer his leaving out the coffin scene!
+
+    Here are some odd notions about the unseen world which were
+    developed in the brains of some of the Bishop's little friends:
+
+Little Rupert B----, aged just three, one day when it was raining, said
+to his father that he did not think heaven could be a nice place to live
+in. "Why not?" asked his father. "Because," he answered, "the floor is
+all full of holes and lets the water through." Before he was three a
+little baby sister was born, and he was taken into his mother's room to
+see her. "Where did it come from?" he asked. His mother said, "God sent
+it us." "Then," said Rupert, "I suppose it is a sort of an angel." His
+mother explained that it was only a baby. "Hasn't it got any wings?" he
+asked, and on being told "No," added, "Hasn't it got any feathers at
+all?"
+
+
+A little boy, hearing the hymn read which says,
+
+  "Satan trembles when he sees
+  The feeblest saint upon his knees,"
+
+asked, "Why does Satan let the saint sit on his knees if it makes him
+tremble?"
+
+
+A little girl who had been taking raspberries in the garden was talked
+to by her mother, and told to resist the temptation. She afterwards
+appeared with evident signs of having been again among the raspberries,
+and, when her mother asked her how it was that she had not resisted the
+temptation, she said that when she was looking at the raspberries she
+did say "Get thee behind me, Satan," and he got behind her and pushed
+her in.
+
+
+A very little girl was asked, "Who made you?" She answered very
+reverently, "God," and then, looking shocked, whispered, "Nurse says He
+made me naked."
+
+
+On my visit to Illingworth to consecrate a new chancel in 1889, the
+churchwarden gave a luncheon party, and his little boy, aged nine, told
+my chaplain that he wanted to go to church to be confirmed. The chaplain
+told him it was not a confirmation but a consecration, whereupon the
+small boy said he didn't care which it was so long as he was done.
+
+
+A little cousin of mine when very small was asked who was the first man,
+to which he promptly answered "Adam." He was next asked who was the
+first woman, when he thought a little, and then hesitatingly suggested
+"Madam."
+
+
+Bishop Knight Bruce's little boy accounted for the number of fleas in
+South Africa by saying, "God made lots and lots of people, so you see He
+_had_ to make lots and lots of fleas."
+
+
+A little girl, known to Mr. Edward Clifford, hearing much of the praise
+of stylishness, once prayed, "O Lord, make me stylish."
+
+    When the Bishop was rector of Whittington he was a most
+    diligent teacher in the village school, going there from nine to
+    ten almost every morning. He was also for some years a diocesan
+    inspector of schools. He was, therefore, keenly alive to the
+    numberless mistakes and misapprehensions of children, and
+    recorded in his note-book a large number of absurd answers which
+    he either heard himself or of which he was told by friends. A
+    selection of these is given here.
+
+In examining the schools of the deanery of Oswestry I once visited
+Selattyn school, and set four questions for the senior class to answer
+in writing. They were, (1) "What do you know about Tarsus?" (2) "Why did
+St. Paul go to Damascus?" (3) "What is the meaning of Asia in the New
+Testament?" (4) "What happened at Lystra?" The following is a copy of
+one paper sent in:
+
+John Jones, 12 last birthday, a teacher in Selattyn. Tarsus was a man
+which could not walked from his mother womb and he used to go to the
+temple every day and St. Paul heal him St. Paul said to tartus I say
+unto thee arise so Tarsus sat up and leap and walked.
+
+St. Paul went to Damascus to preach to the Gentiles. Asia means the
+place where they ended when they started from Antiock to Asia.
+
+It happened at Lystra that the two seas met and the soldiers cut the
+ropes.
+
+
+The Vicar of King Cross, Halifax, asked a class of boys what was the
+difference between a priest and a deacon, and one boy said the deacon
+only wore that thing over one shoulder. The Vicar asked why he did so,
+and after some hesitation another boy answered, "Because he hasn't put
+both shoulders to the wheel."
+
+
+At Almondbury in 1897 a class of boys were asked the meaning of an
+Archangel, and one boy suggested "One of the angels that came out of the
+Ark."
+
+
+The Rev. T. F. Dale, when in India teaching in his school, asked the
+boys what is the meaning of faith. A European boy answered, "When you
+believe something you are quite sure isn't true."
+
+
+A lady was explaining to a class the passage "Not with eye-service as
+men-pleasers," and asked the children if they knew what eye-service
+meant. One girl suggested, "service in 'igh families."
+
+
+Mr. B---- of Stamford, in a Teachers' Meeting, urged his Sunday School
+teachers not to take it for granted that their scholars knew the meaning
+of words, and illustrated his caution by the word "Epiphany," telling
+them that they should always explain that it meant "manifestation."
+Shortly afterwards the diocesan inspector was examining the day school
+and accidentally asked what "Epiphany" meant. One little girl said, "A
+railway porter, sir." The inspector asking what made her think that. She
+said her teacher had told her it meant the "man at the station."
+
+
+A lady being anxious to teach a new little kitchen-maid something of the
+Bible, rightly thought she must find out what she knew. So she asked her
+if she knew about our Lord, and she said "No." So she thought she must
+begin at the very beginning, and told the girl she would read to her
+about God making the world. The girl sat perfectly stolid and
+unintelligent till they came to the serpent tempting Eve, when she
+suddenly exclaimed, "I remember summat about that snike." This was her
+_summa theologiæ_.
+
+
+A child in a school was asked what he knew about Solomon, and said, "He
+was very fond of animals." Being asked what made him think so, he said,
+"Because he had three hundred porcupines."
+
+    Here is a very up-to-date little story: did it happen in
+    Leicester?
+
+Teacher: "Why did they hide Moses in the bulrushes?"
+
+Answer: "Because they didn't want him to be vaccinated."
+
+
+My cousin, Mr. G. F. King, teaching a class of little London boys one
+Sunday, was questioning them about the parable of the Good Samaritan,
+and asked them what it was that the man "fell among." He tried to get
+them to remember by saying that it was a dangerous road to travel along,
+when one little boy held up his hand. My cousin said, "Well, what did he
+fall among?" and the little boy replied, "Buses."
+
+    An anachronism:
+
+The Duke of York lately visited Leeds, and there were large crowds in
+the streets. Shortly afterwards one of the clergy was questioning some
+little children about the birth of our Lord, and asked, "How came there
+to be so many people at Bethlehem at that time?" One of the children
+replied, "Please, sir, the Duke of York was there."
+
+
+At Denbigh a girl at Howell's school was reading St. Matt. v. 41 to the
+rector of Henllan, and gave it thus: "And whosoever shall compel thee to
+go a mile, go with him by train."
+
+
+Mr. Castley, curate of Marsden, questioning the children in the school
+as to the history of St. Stephen, asked what it was of which he was
+accused before the Council. A boy replied, "Looking after the widows."
+
+
+When the diocesan inspector was examining the Cathedral Schools,
+Wakefield, in 1895, he asked the children what Moses said when God told
+him to go and speak to Pharaoh. One child answered, "Our Aaron would do
+it better."
+
+    The next story was an experience of the Bishop's own when he
+    was rector of Whittington:
+
+I once set a class of girls in our school to write the life of Solomon.
+When I looked over the exercises I found one girl began, "Solomon slept
+with his fathers," and went on after that with his history. On
+questioning her I found she thought it meant that Solomon when a child
+slept in his father's bed.
+
+
+Another girl at the same time brought me a new and wonderful judgment of
+Solomon in the following words: "The Queen of Sheba was as wise a woman
+as Solomon was a man. She brought a hundred children, fifty boys and
+fifty girls, to Solomon, all dressed the same, to see if he could tell
+which was which. So Solomon commanded water to be brought and bade them
+wash; whereupon the girls washed up to their elbows, but the boys only
+washed up to their wrists. So Solomon knew which was boys and which was
+girls."
+
+
+The headmaster of the Wakefield Grammar School in an examination-paper
+on general knowledge asked, "Who was John Wesley?" One boy answered as
+follows: "John Wesley invented Methodist chapels, and afterwards became
+Duke of Wellington."
+
+
+My daughter was teaching a class of boys at Upper Clapton just before
+the boat race, when she saw one of the boys tear a page out of his
+Bible, crumple it up, and throw it away. She said, "What are you doing?"
+to which the boy replied quite demurely, "I'm for Oxford, and this Bible
+was printed at Cambridge, and I'm not going to use a Bible with
+Cambridge in it."
+
+
+The Vicar of St. Augustine's, South Hackney, turned a boy out of his
+class one Sunday for misbehaviour. Next Sunday the boy appeared again in
+his class, when the vicar said, "Wasn't it you I put out last Sunday?"
+The boy at once replied, "No, sir, I think it was the gas."
+
+
+A boy in an examination, being asked to give an account of the Sadducees
+and Publicans, wrote, "The Sadducees did not believe in spirits, but the
+Publicans _did_."
+
+    Here follows another story which, in common with the last two or
+    three, was noted by the Bishop during the time of his
+    suffragan-episcopate for East London.
+
+The diocesan inspector was examining a very young class in the St. Mary
+Axe Ward School, and asked, "What became of Adam and Eve when they were
+turned out of the Garden of Eden?" To which a little girl answered,
+"They went to the workhouse, sir."
+
+
+In a school examination the question was set, "Explain the meaning of a
+Bishop, Priest, and Deacon." One boy answered, "I never saw a Bishop, so
+I don't know. A Priest is a man in the Old Testament. A Deacon is a
+thing you pile up on the top of a hill, and set fire to it."
+
+
+A boy, being asked for the derivation of Pontifex, said, "It is derived
+from _pons_ a bridge, and means the Chief Priest, just as we say
+_Arch_bishop."
+
+
+Some children in an Irish school were asked the meaning of "He that
+exalteth himself shall be abased," when one of them replied, "Turned
+into horses or cows."
+
+
+A Confirmation having been held in a Yorkshire village, some children
+were seen very busy in the road making a church with mud. A passer-by
+asked them where the bishop was, and they said they hadn't got mook
+enough to mak' a beeshop.
+
+
+A boy in Christ Church, Albany Street, School when asked, "What are the
+Ember weeks?" answered, "The weeks when we pray for the young gentlemen
+who are afraid of not passing their examination."
+
+
+Prizes have for several years been offered for the best essays by
+children on subjects set the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
+Animals. In 1893, in answer to the question, "What passages in Holy
+Scripture bear upon cruelty to animals?" one boy said, "Cruel people
+often cut dogs' tails and ears, but the Bible says, 'Those whom God hath
+joined together, let no man put asunder.'" Another boy, in reply to the
+question, "Why should you be kind to animals?" said, "If you are very
+kind to a dog he will follow you to the grave at your funeral."
+
+    The next two stories are not of exactly the same nature, but so
+    closely relate to the subject of children and schools that they
+    may be fittingly inserted here.
+
+I met an officer once who was relating his experiences of Sunday School
+teaching. He said he met an old schoolfellow one day who was a
+clergyman, and who persuaded him to spend a Sunday with him. In the
+morning his friend told him that he must come and take a class of boys
+in the Sunday School. This he protested he could not, and would not, do,
+but was finally over-persuaded, his friend lending him a commentary, and
+telling him he had only to keep the class quiet, as he would his own
+men, hear them read a chapter, and ask them a few questions which he
+would find in the notes of the commentary. "All went well," he said,
+"till we had read the chapter through, when I tried to find the
+questions. I managed to ask one or two, which I found they answered in a
+moment, so in my despair I thought I would take them into the Old
+Testament, and now I was more lucky, for I asked them, 'Boys, who was
+Mephistopheles?' Well, would you believe it, there wasn't a boy of them
+that knew! And wasn't I glad! I didn't know anything about him myself,
+you know, except that he was one of the old patriarchs, but it got me
+out of this trouble, for, though the time wasn't half up, I closed the
+Bible with a bang and exclaimed, 'Boys! I can teach you no more. Go home
+and search the Scriptures!'"
+
+
+A clergyman living at Rainbow Hill, Worcester, in visiting his parish,
+called on the mother of one of the girls in the Church School, who,
+being rather "superior," told him she thought a parish school was not
+quite suited to Florrie, and, as she was rather delicate, she had
+decided to take her away and send her to a young ladies' cemetery.
+
+    Besides the mistakes made by children, the Bishop not
+    unnaturally collected a number of curious answers made in
+    examination papers by older people. The candidates for
+    ordination in the Wakefield diocese supplied some of these, and
+    others he was told by his brother-bishops. Some of these stories
+    were told in the "Memoir of Bishop Walsham How," and others may
+    be well known, but they form an important part of the Bishop's
+    note-book, and must not be omitted here.
+
+    The following are answers made in writing by different
+    candidates for ordination:
+
+A number of words were given for explanation, and among them was
+"cherub." One man wrote, "A cherub is an infant angel, who died before
+baptism, and will undoubtedly be saved."
+
+
+Another question was, "How may St. Paul's Epistles be grouped?" One
+answer was, "St. Paul's Epistles may be divided into two groups, those
+he wrote before his conversion and those he wrote after."
+
+
+Another candidate rather surprised the examiner by stating that "in the
+early Church, before a person was baptized, he was obliged to learn a
+catechumen."
+
+
+Another, to the question "Who were the Ophites?" gave the interesting
+answer that "the Ophites were people who walked by sight and not by
+faith, the word being derived from the Greek word for to see."
+
+
+In the Ripon diocese an ordination candidate, in answer to the question,
+"What religious sects have been founded during the last two centuries?"
+gave a list which included "the Ecclesiastical Commissioners."
+
+
+An ordination candidate, being asked in a paper on doctrine to write out
+the Nicene Creed, wrote (with a magnificent grasp of faith), "I believe
+in all things visible and invisible."
+
+
+The Vice-President of the Liverpool Philomathic Society vouches for the
+story that, in answer to the question "Define a parable," an examinee
+wrote, "A parable is a heavenly story with no earthly meaning."
+
+
+A young man having attended some University Extension lectures on
+physiology, remarked to his clergyman how much light they threw on many
+things. "For instance," he said, "I never understood one of the Collects
+in the Prayer-book, which speaks of 'both our hearts,' before. But I see
+now that it refers to the right and the left ventricle."
+
+    Here is another physiological story:
+
+The late Canon Lyttelton, of Gloucester, when rector of Hagley, was fond
+of scientific teaching, and formed a class in his school for physiology.
+After a few lectures he received a letter from the mother of one of his
+pupils, saying, "Reverend sir, Please not to teach our Susan anything
+more about her inside; it makes her so proud."
+
+
+In a paper on practical subjects one of the questions asked what rules
+for almsgiving could be recommended. One of the candidates advised a
+plan he had seen of having about six boxes in the house, and sending
+them round at meals for various charities according to the viands on the
+table. Thus, when the fish was served the box for the Deep Sea Fisheries
+would be sent round, and when pineapples were being eaten that for the
+S.P.G.
+
+
+In answer to the question, "What is a churchwarden?" one of the
+Battersea College students wrote, "A churchwarden is a godly layman, who
+appropriates the money of the offertory, and acts as a check upon the
+extravagance of the parochial clergy."
+
+
+A friend of mine, when taking missions in Australia, met a clergyman in
+Victoria who had an old Sunday-school teacher, a man who had taught for
+thirty years, and who asked him one day whether infant baptism was not
+invented by Philo at the Council of Trent.
+
+
+The Warden of University College, Durham, asks the young men of the
+College to breakfast occasionally. One day, when a few of them were at
+his table, the following conversation took place: Warden to student,
+"Have you ever read the Apocrypha?" Student to Warden, "Not all, sir."
+Warden, "How much have you read?" Student, "Oh, not much, sir." Warden,
+"Have you read the Maccabees?" Student, "No, sir." Warden, "Or Esdras?"
+Student, "No, sir." Warden, "Or Wisdom?" Student, "No, sir." Warden,
+"Well, have you read Bell and the Dragon?" Student, "Oh yes, sir, I've
+read part of that." Warden, "How much?" Student, "Three chapters, I
+think." Warden, "Then you've read more than any of us, for there is
+only one chapter." Poor student!
+
+
+In one of the examination papers I set as examining chaplain to Bishop
+Selwyn of Lichfield, it being Michaelmas, I asked the candidates to give
+an outline of a sermon upon the text, "Are they not all ministering
+spirits?" One man wrote as follows: "I should consider this a good text
+for a sermon for the Additional Curates' Society or the Church Pastoral
+Aid. I should begin by describing in what our ministrations consist, and
+should speak of the privilege of being called to minister to others. I
+should then go on to speak of the heirs of salvation to whom we
+minister, and I should conclude with an earnest appeal to the
+congregation to provide funds for the sending forth of more such
+ministering spirits."
+
+
+A candidate for ordination was asked what he knew of St. Bartholomew,
+and wrote, "He was almost, if not quite, identical with Nathanael."
+
+
+Bishop Bickersteth of Ripon had occasion to reject a conceited young
+deacon who was a candidate for priest's orders, and when the bishop
+told him of his failure, he said, "I suppose, my Lord, you know that
+Ambrose was made a bishop, though only a deacon." "Yes," the bishop
+replied, "and I quite think that if ever _you_ are made a bishop it will
+be direct from the diaconate."
+
+
+Archdeacon Bather, who was a great educationist, went into his parish
+school one day where there was an old and not highly educated master,
+who was giving an oral lesson on the English language, in which, he said
+to his class, there are many words pronounced the same, but spelt quite
+different. "Now," he said, "there's the word 'har.' There's the har you
+breathe, and the har of your head, and the har that runs in the fields,
+and the har to an estate, all spelt quite different, but all pronounced
+the same."
+
+
+The Bishop of Brisbane, when he was in England before his consecration,
+was examining in one of the Oxford Local examinations. He set the
+candidates to write out the Fourth Commandment. One wrote, "Six days
+shall thy neighbour do all that thou hast to do, and the seventh day
+thou shalt do no manner of work."
+
+    A number of stories in the Bishop's note-book are connected with
+    Scotland and Ireland. Both of these countries were resorted to
+    from time to time by him for purposes of the annual fishing
+    holiday, and it is not too much to say that he made many friends
+    in each among the ghillies and others who accompanied him on his
+    various excursions on loch and riverside. Great was the
+    amusement of two Highland boatmen, who many years ago were
+    rowing him on a Sutherlandshire loch, when during an hour when
+    the fish were very "stiff," he sang them, "Hame cam our gude mon
+    at e'en," an old Scotch ballad by Wilson. The Irish boatmen, he
+    used to think, were more melancholy, and he expressed his
+    surprise at the character for rollicking fun which is often
+    given them in books. At the same time he now and then drew out a
+    real witticism, and more than once he notes with delight a real
+    Irish "bull." Here are some of the stories, not all gleaned from
+    the actual countries, but all referring to persons of these two
+    nationalities:
+
+An Irish clergyman, a neighbour of mine, thought it his duty to speak to
+a lady who had unhappily lost her faith in Christianity, and after a few
+arguments he ended by saying, "Well, you will go to hell, you know, and
+I shall be very sorry indeed to see you there."
+
+
+A well-known Irish judge in the Insolvent Court once detected a witness
+kissing his thumb instead of the Book in taking the oath, and in
+rebuking him sternly said, "You may think to deceive God, sir, but you
+won't deceive _me_."
+
+
+The Reverend G. B----, of Bridgenorth, told me that on a recent visit to
+Ireland he heard a preacher conclude his sermon with these words: "My
+brethren, let not this world rob you of a peace which it can neither
+give nor take away."
+
+
+At the conclusion of the Irish Church Disestablishment in the House of
+Commons an enthusiastic Irish member got up and thanked God that at last
+the bridge was broken down which had so long separated Catholics and
+Protestants in Ireland.
+
+
+An Englishman was driving through a beautiful glen in county Wicklow,
+and asked the driver the name of the valley, to which he replied, "Sure,
+and it's the divil's glen, yer honour." A little further on the stranger
+again asked, and the driver said, "Sure, and it's still the divil's
+glen, yer honour." They afterwards drove through another valley, and the
+stranger said, "And pray what do you call this?" "It's the divil's
+kitchen, yer honour," was the reply. The stranger then remarked, "He
+seems to have a good deal of property in these parts." "Indade, yer
+honour, he has," said the driver, "but he's mostly an absentee, and
+lives in London."
+
+
+An Irish professor created a laugh, when called upon to speak at the
+Birmingham Church Congress, by beginning, with a rich brogue, "Before I
+begin to speak, let me say----" No one heard any more of the sentence.
+
+
+At Bishop Lonsdale's first Ordination at his palace at Eccleshall there
+were a large number of young men, and at dinner a young Irish deacon
+called out from the other end of the table to the Bishop, "Me Lord, do
+you happen to have read my sermon on Justification by Faith?" "No," said
+the Bishop, "I don't happen to have met with it; but surely, Mr. ----,
+you have chosen rather a difficult subject." "Not at all, me Lord," the
+young deacon called out, "and when you've read my sermon you'll find no
+difficulty in the subject at all!"
+
+
+A former Dean (an Irishman) in one of his sermons, speaking, as he often
+did, disparagingly of the Fathers of the early Church, said, "As for
+unanimity, there was no unanimity in any one of them." In another sermon
+the same dignitary spoke about "Standing on the seashore and watching
+the ever-receding horizon." Again, in another he urged his hearers to
+"take their immovable stand on the onward path of progress."
+
+
+An Irishman of a certain church in Shrewsbury spoke one day of "the
+narrow way in which there was only room for one to walk abreast."
+
+
+A certain clergyman, who was preaching a sermon on behalf of a new
+burial ground in a large parish, spoke of the sad condition of a
+population of thirty thousand souls living without Christian burial.
+
+
+I was driving in a car from Glengariff to Killarney with a friend, and,
+on starting, a ragged boy on an old white horse rode by our side joking
+with the driver. My friend spoke to the boy, and said, "Are you the
+boots at the inn at Glengariff?" To which the boy answered instantly
+with a grin, "Did yer honour pay the boots? For, if you didn't, I am."
+
+    This ready reply is matched by the following story which again
+    shows the readiness to seize an opportunity of personal
+    advantage.
+
+Bishop Wigram of Rochester insisted on his clergy shaving, and when his
+successor, Bishop Claughton, came to confirm in Oswestry he sat at
+luncheon opposite to an Irish curate who had a large beard. The bishop,
+as a joke, looked across the table and said, "You know, Mr.----, if you
+came into my diocese you would have to shave off your beard." To which
+came the instant reply, "Me Lord, I accept the condition!"
+
+
+At a Retreat which I conducted in 1894 one of the services was given out
+to be held a quarter of an hour earlier than on the printed time-table.
+An elderly clergyman had not heard this and came in at the printed hour,
+and found us singing a hymn. He found a seat and then whispered to his
+neighbour with a strong brogue, "Is this the end of the last service, or
+the beginning of the next?"
+
+
+I once heard an Irish clergyman preaching at Barmouth, in recounting the
+mercies for which we ought to be thankful, speak of "deliverance from
+savage wild beasts and noxious insects of the night."
+
+    An instance of an Irish bull, which was of so natural a kind
+    that it might have been made by any one, occurred when the
+    Bishop and some of his sons were waiting at Athenry Station. Two
+    farmers were overheard talking, and one said, "Will you be going
+    by the first train to-morrow" To which came the reply, "There's
+    no first train from here at all!"
+
+    There are in the note-book a large number of entries under the
+    heading of "Taurology," but most of the stories are already well
+    known. One or two only need be quoted.
+
+Two sisters whom I knew, Miss B----s, received a letter from a brother
+in Australia, and one read it aloud to the other and then began reading
+it to herself. The other said, "You might let me have a look at it,"
+whereupon the first cried out, "I call that selfish: didn't I read it
+all aloud to you before I'd seen a word of it meself?"
+
+
+I asked a Mr. B---- whom I met in July 1896 whether he was any relation
+to another Mr. B----, a friend of mine, to which he replied, "No: I have
+no relations of my own. My father was the last of his race."
+
+
+An Irish footman brought for his master to put on two boots for the same
+foot. He was sent to rectify the mistake, but returned with the same two
+boots, saying, "Indeed, yer honour, it wasn't my fault, the other pair's
+just the same."
+
+    The difference between Scotch and Irish character comes out
+    clearly in these stories. Connected as they almost all are with
+    matters ecclesiastical, it is not strange to find the strong
+    Presbyterian dislike to Anglican ceremonial cropping up in the
+    following stories about Scotsmen. But, apart from this, the wit
+    is of a drier kind, and the sayings of a far more sanctimonious
+    character. Here is one about an old forester with whom the
+    Bishop made friends during several of his holidays. This man was
+    invited by a certain duke, whose retainer he was, to pay a visit
+    to his English seat. On the Sunday he was taken to church, and
+    he said afterwards that when the choir came in he thought it was
+    some daughters of the duke and other girls dressed up, and
+    thought it all perfectly disgraceful and making a mock of
+    religion. When the organ played they had to hold him to prevent
+    his going out. "It was," he said, "sic a terrible noise." Other
+    stories follow in the Bishop's own words:
+
+The Duchess of B---- had an old Presbyterian nurse, who was once
+persuaded to attend the beautiful church they had built. The Duchess
+afterwards asked her if it was not very beautiful, and she said, "Oh
+yes, very." "And the singing," said the Duchess, "was not that lovely?"
+"Yes, your Grace," she said, "it was lovely; but it's an awfu' way of
+spending the Sabbath."
+
+
+A Scotch lady and her gardener used to worship together, not agreeing
+with any form of Church doctrine. A friend remonstrated with her and
+asked, "Do you really think you and your gardener are the only two real
+members of the true Church on earth?" To which she replied, "Weel, I'm
+nae sae sure o' John."
+
+
+A Scotch minister from a large town once visited and preached in a rural
+parish, and was asked to pray for rain. He did so, and the rain came in
+floods and destroyed some of the crops; whereupon one elder remarked to
+another, "This comes o' entrusting sic a request to a meenister who isna
+acquentit wi' agriculture."
+
+
+Bishop Wilberforce used to tell a story of a Scotch minister who always
+regulated his grace before meat by the prospect before him. If he saw a
+sumptuous table he began, "Bountiful Jehovah," but if the fare was less
+tempting he began, "Lord, we are not worthy of the least of Thy
+mercies."
+
+
+Archbishop Tait when in Scotland had to sign the receipt for a
+registered letter before the postman, who, when he heard it was the
+Archbishop, looked at him and remarked, "Weel, I must say you look
+rather consequential about the legs."
+
+    One of the Bishop's sons was fond of sketching, and on one
+    occasion brought back a story which the Bishop delighted in
+    telling. This son and an artist friend arranged to go on a
+    sketching expedition to the west coast of Scotland, and on
+    arriving there the latter went to interview the minister of the
+    little village which was to be their headquarters. In the course
+    of conversation he asked the minister whether, if they attended
+    his ministrations in the morning, he would be greatly
+    scandalised if they did a little sketching on the Sunday
+    afternoon, to which the good man replied, "Well, your business
+    is to paint pictures and mine is to preach and pray. I preach
+    and pray on the Sabbath, you paint pictures on other days. If
+    you saw me preaching and praying on other days you would raise
+    no objection, so I shall raise none if you paint pictures on the
+    Sabbath." It was a curious argument, and probably it would be
+    difficult to find another minister in all Scotland who would
+    agree with him.
+
+    A number of stories relating to sermons have already been given,
+    but a large part of the Bishop's notebook which relates to them
+    has not yet been touched. There are some sermons given almost
+    _in extenso_, and to these it is only possible to refer briefly.
+    The longest report of a sermon is of one that was printed after
+    it had been delivered by an old gentleman who married his cook
+    and thought that it was necessary to justify his action to his
+    parishioners. He described his bride as "one of plebeian birth
+    and the superintendent of my establishment." He based his
+    explanation on the fact that he himself was of such
+    extraordinarily high birth that, in order to make his hearers
+    comprehend how utterly incapable he was of appreciating the
+    little social distinctions which existed in that parish he would
+    tell them that he could no more appreciate such distinctions
+    than, standing upon a mountain, he could judge of the heights,
+    as compared with each other, of the mole-hills lying scattered
+    around its base. Where, therefore, was he to a find a woman, and
+    moreover a woman willing to take charge of a gouty old gentleman
+    like himself, whose birth in comparison with his own was not
+    plebeian? In the matter of his wife's little peculiarities of
+    pronunciation, &c., he would just remind any satirists that
+    their tenements were constructed of a material certainly not
+    iron, and that to such persons the throwing of stones was a
+    proverbially dangerous practice. He announced in conclusion that
+    all these things were of small importance, as he and his wife
+    had resolved to lead a life of almost absolute seclusion,
+    devoting themselves entirely to her improvement, to the duties
+    of their station, and to the preparation of their souls for
+    heaven.
+
+    Another long extract is given from a sermon preached at
+    Llanymawddy. The original is said to be in the British Museum,
+    and the copy made by Dr. Griffith of Merthyn. The sermon is
+    headed "A funeral sermon for a dead body," and is a wonderful
+    example of "English as she is spoke" by the Welshman. It begins
+    with these words: "Good people of Llanymawddy. My dearly beloved
+    brethren, we are met together here to-day for a great preachment
+    for a dead body, the body of good Squire Thomas, the squire of
+    our parish. We did all love him, though he has scolded us
+    shocking, &c."
+
+    The preacher went on to say that he knew the words of his text
+    in three languages, "The Latin tongue which is the language of
+    all learned people: I do know them in the English language--it
+    is the language of all genteel people. I do know them in the
+    Welsh language of course--it is the language of all vulgar
+    people."
+
+    Much of the sermon is given up to a description of Adam and Eve,
+    the latter being described as "the beautifullest of all women,
+    but she was a very peculiar woman. She wanted to know everything
+    she ought not to know." The Garden of Eden is thus portrayed:
+    "The garden of Squire Thomas was nothing to it: it would take
+    twenty thousand of Squire Thomas' to make such a garden."
+
+    It is altogether a most wonderful discourse, and it would be
+    well worth anyone's while to hunt it up in the British Museum,
+    if the original is really to be found there.
+
+    Then there is an extract from a sermon preached by an Irish
+    bishop, which, says Bishop Walsham How, "I heard described by
+    one of his clergy who heard it." The point of the sermon was an
+    illustration of the joy over the one repentant sinner by the joy
+    in a household over the baby which had been ill and had
+    recovered. The curious part of the story lies in the fact that
+    at every mention of the baby the preacher dandled his hands up
+    and down as if he were holding it. The constant repetition of
+    this must have been trying to the gravity.
+
+    A few more "sermon-notes" may find a place here just as they
+    were jotted down by the Bishop.
+
+A certain preacher, after describing all sorts of evil, exclaimed, "And
+all this in the so-called nineteenth century!"
+
+
+A working man refused to go to church because (he said) the parson could
+tell him nothing in a sermon he didn't know. However, a friend persuaded
+him to go, and asked him afterwards if he had learnt nothing. "Well,
+yes," he said, "I did learn one thing. I learnt as Sodom and Gomorrha
+was two places. I always thought they was man and wife."
+
+
+It is said that Dean Goulbourn while preaching on the intermixture of
+evil with good in the Church, said, "Remember, there was a Ham in the
+Ark"--then, thinking it might sound odd, corrected himself and added, "I
+mean a human Ham."
+
+
+
+
+  CONCERNING BISHOPS.
+
+
+    As might be expected, a very large number of stories in the
+    Bishop's note-book concern Episcopal dignitaries either past or
+    present. It is unfortunate that some of the very best are told
+    of bishops who are still alive, and, although there is not an
+    ill-natured word on any single page, yet it might not be
+    advisable to publish these anecdotes, lest this little volume
+    should be open to the charge of want of respect for those in
+    high places.
+
+    How often a story is told of, say Bishop Wilberforce, and at its
+    conclusion the narrator says, "Or perhaps it was Bishop Magee,"
+    entirely forgetting the wide difference between these witty
+    prelates, and spoiling the story by his uncertainty. It will be
+    noticed that some of the better-known stories which are given
+    below have Bishop Walsham How's own evidence of their origin,
+    and it is possible that in some cases their publication may be
+    useful as clearing up all doubts as to their source. For
+    instance, he knew well both Bishop Wilberforce and Bishop
+    Magee, and for the stories about them he frequently vouches.
+
+The Bishop of Winchester (Wilberforce) is renowned for his wit. I was
+one day dining in his company. He was to the right of the lady of the
+house, Canon G---- to her left, and I next to him. Canon G---- was
+talking to the bishop across the lady of the house about a very old man,
+and observed that he was losing his faculties very fast, his senses of
+taste and smell being so completely gone that some naughty boys in his
+house, knowing that he always had a lightly boiled egg for breakfast,
+blew it one morning and filled it with castor oil, and he never found
+out. The bishop looked up with one of his merry twinkles and simply
+said, "Never?"
+
+
+On another occasion at a dinner party a young man was talking rather
+foolishly about Darwin and his books, speaking very contemptuously of
+them, and he said to the bishop, "My Lord, have you read Darwin's last
+book on the Descent of Man?" "Yes, I have," said the bishop; whereupon
+the young man continued, "What nonsense it is talking of our being
+descended from apes! Besides, I can't see the use of such stuff. I
+can't see what difference it would make to me if my grandfather was an
+ape." "No," the bishop replied, "I don't see that it would; but it must
+have made an amazing difference to your grandmother!" The young man had
+no more to say. I could quote many more witty sayings of the bishop, but
+they would give no idea of the real humour with which they were spoken,
+so much depending on the bishop's inimitable manner and tone of voice.
+
+
+Bishop Wilberforce, in one of his instructions upon preaching, gave
+descriptions of what were _not_ sermons, before proceeding to describe
+what _was_ a sermon. One of his sentences was this: "A few texts
+floating here and there in the feeble waste of your own turbid
+fancies--_that's_ not a sermon."
+
+
+The same bishop, after preaching a very eloquent charity sermon, was
+going from the pulpit to the altar when an enthusiastic lady, too much
+moved to wait for the offertory plate, put a half-sovereign into his
+hand, saying, "I _must_ give my mite," to which he replied, looking at
+the coin, "I thought there were two of them."
+
+
+A great friend of Bishop Wilberforce told me of a little bit of
+cleverness of his which is worth recording. He was telling a story of an
+Italian Marchesa, in which she made a clever repartee in French. The
+bishop was known not to be very perfect in French, and my informant said
+he awaited his enunciation of the French remark with some anxiety. But
+he need not have been anxious, for the bishop discounted any
+shortcomings by saying, "Then the Marchesa said--(you know her French
+was not very perfect)----" and so made the quotation.
+
+    Of Archbishop Magee the following stories are recorded by the
+    Bishop:
+
+I was with Bishop Magee in a railway carriage once, and he had the
+_Church Times_ and the _Rock_ on his knees. Before the train started a
+newspaper boy held up a copy of _Church Bells_ to him, and he looked up
+and said, "What's that? Oh, _Church Bells_. That's moderate, isn't it?
+No, thank you; I like to read the extremes and do the moderation for
+myself."
+
+
+The same bishop at a dinner party had some soup spilt over his coat by a
+clumsy servant, and exclaimed, "Is there any layman who would kindly
+express my feelings in suitable language?"
+
+
+Bishop Magee at a City dinner was sitting next to some one who had to
+propose the health of Alderman Pigeon, of whom he knew very little. He
+asked the bishop what he could say about him: "Oh," was the reply, "say
+you hope he will some day find himself in a mayor's nest."
+
+    Here is a story which is frequently quoted, and is inserted here
+    for the sake of the guarantee of authenticity:
+
+The Bishop of Peterborough (Magee), being plagued to go and open all
+sorts of things--churches, schools, bazaars, &c.--exclaimed one day, "I
+do believe very soon there will not be a young curate in the diocese who
+has bought a new umbrella, who will not apply to the bishop to come and
+open it." (Said to the Bishop of Leicester, who told me.)
+
+
+Bishop Magee, walking one day with the Bishop of Hereford by the Wye,
+said to him, "If you will give me your river I will give you my see."
+
+
+The Bishop of Peterborough, being pressed to give a certain man a
+living, said, "If it rained livings I would offer Mr. ---- (after a
+pause) an umbrella." (This was said by the bishop in the Athenæum to a
+friend of mine, who told me.)
+
+
+A lady who was a great admirer of a certain preacher took Bishop Magee
+with her to hear him, and asked him afterwards what he thought of the
+sermon. "It was very long," the bishop said. "Yes," said the lady, "but
+there was a saint in the pulpit." "And a martyr in the pew," rejoined
+the bishop.
+
+    Lastly, there is a touching little story of his self-estimation:
+
+The Bishop of Peterborough (Magee), speaking of Bishop Harold Browne,
+said he owed him a grudge, "for he's got all my sweetness of disposition
+as well as his own."
+
+    The remaining stories about bishops fall under two heads--first,
+    those which are told definitely of some particular bishop;
+    secondly, those which are told of "a bishop," and to which too
+    much credit need not necessarily be given.
+
+    Under the first heading come the following:
+
+A certain bishop [the name is given] on his marriage determined to go
+abroad, and he and his bride spent the first night at Folkestone,
+meaning to cross next day to Boulogne. There was a great crowd on the
+platform in the morning, and the bishop asked his wife to wait in a
+certain spot while he went and saw to the luggage. He made some mistake
+and could not find her, and, supposing she had gone on board, went to
+look for her, when the vessel started and he was carried off to
+Boulogne. His wife had to return ignominiously to the hotel, where she
+received great commiseration from the landlady. The lady was quite sure
+some accident had happened to her husband, and a messenger was sent to
+see, and when he returned the landlady came in with a very grave face,
+and said, "I am sorry to say, ma'am, there's been _no_ accident. But he
+didn't look like a gentleman to do such a thing." Of course he returned
+by the next steamer.
+
+
+Bishop Selwyn of Lichfield was once asked how he came to give his
+theological college men such an ugly hood--black and yellow like a wasp.
+"Oh," he said, "I wanted to distinguish them from St. Bees' men."
+
+
+It was said of Bishop Christopher Wordsworth of Lincoln that one half of
+him was in heaven and the other half in the seventeenth century.
+
+
+When Dr. Moberly, Bishop of Salisbury, was old and infirm, he went with
+a friend to visit Old Sarum, and, as he was toiling up with the help of
+his friend, the latter remarked, "It's hard work getting up Old Sarum,"
+to which the bishop replied, "It's harder work getting old Sarum up!"
+
+
+A certain suffragan bishop was mobbed one day in a low part of London by
+costers, who told him they couldn't have him wear such a hat and dress.
+He told them he was a poor orphan with neither father nor mother to look
+after him and see to his clothes; so they let him go, saying, "We can't
+chaff you, governor."
+
+
+A witty bishop of the present day, being pressed to go to many parishes
+for Confirmation, said that the final clause of the Baptismal Service
+wanted altering, and should be worded, "Ye are to take care that the
+bishop be brought to this child to confirm him," &c.
+
+
+When Bishop Stanley first went to Norwich he went up the tower of the
+Cathedral, and, hearing some jackdaws twittering in a hole in the wall,
+and being very fond of birds, he put his hand in and drew out three
+young jackdaws, which he took down in his pocket and put in the garden.
+The next morning he could not find them, and, while looking round the
+garden, heard, just outside, some boys making a noise. One was crying,
+"Who stole Jim Crow's cadges?" (This is the local name for jackdaws.) So
+he ran out and caught the boys, and found out the culprit, whom he had
+up before the magistrates, and was going to have punished, when the
+boy's father asked if he might ask a question, and, leave being given,
+asked, "Can you tell me, sir, who the Cathedral belongs to?" "To the
+dean," was the answer. "Then," said the man, "who stole the dean's
+cadges?" This ended the matter, and the boy was dismissed.
+
+
+Bishop Short (of St. Asaph) was much annoyed by his clergy seeking
+promotion. One day he visited a certain parish with Archdeacon Wickham,
+where the clergyman, as he knew, thought he ought to be promoted to a
+better living. This clergyman pointed to his house and school, which he
+had rebuilt, and said, "I think, my Lord, I have done pretty well in
+this parish in building the parsonage and school." "Yes," said the
+bishop, "indeed you have, and may you long live to enjoy the sight of
+your labours."
+
+
+When preparations were being made for the funeral of a former bishop of
+Lichfield, a newly made archdeacon, who had held preferment in the Black
+Country, was giving directions to the secretary in the cathedral. The
+senior verger was standing by with some others. The archdeacon said to
+the secretary, "You had better send post cards to the prebendaries
+stating the exact hour," whereupon the verger turned to a gentleman
+standing by and said, "Post cards to prebendaries! Well, if them's his
+Black Country manners the sooner he goes back there the better!"
+
+
+Bishop Pepys (of Worcester), who was a stout old man, was walking near
+Hartlebury one day when the omnibus for Worcester passed, and the driver
+was beating the horses most unmercifully. The bishop called out to him
+that if he went on in that way he would have him up. The man told him to
+hold his noise or he would give him the same. The bishop followed the
+omnibus into the village and found it standing at the inn door, so he
+called out the landlady and asked the name of the driver. She said she
+did not know as he was a stranger, the regular driver being ill. So the
+bishop walked on, and entered the drive up to the castle. Meantime the
+landlady went to the driver and asked him what he had been doing, as the
+bishop had been asking his name. "What," he said, "was that the bishop?
+Why, I said I would lay into him next! Which way did he go?" So off he
+ran, whip in hand, to beg the bishop's pardon. In a short time the
+bishop heard steps following, looked round, saw the driver running
+after him, and, remembering the man's threat, took to his heels and ran
+as hard as he could towards the house. At last to his relief he heard
+the man panting and puffing behind him cry out, "Oh, my Lord! I hope
+you'll forgive me, my Lord!" So he pulled up and recovered his breath
+and his dignity as best he could.
+
+
+When the Act of Uniformity Amendment Act (Shortened Services Act) was
+passed, a very short service was held in Westminster Abbey at 7.45 A.M.
+to last only fifteen minutes, partly for the sake of the masters at the
+school. Lord Hatherly always attended this service, but, although
+perhaps the busiest man in England, did not like the abbreviations. The
+new lectionary had lately come into use, and Lord Hatherly told the
+Bishop of Lichfield (Selwyn) as they came out of the Abbey one morning
+that he had discovered the true merits of the new lectionary. He said
+that, the lessons beginning so often in the middle of a chapter, he
+found that it took the reader so long to find his place that he (Lord
+H.) had time to finish the Psalms (of which only a portion was used) to
+himself. [In connection with the above story it may be noted that
+Bishop Walsham How was at one time examining chaplain to Bishop Selwyn,
+and may probably have been told it by him.]
+
+
+I happened to be in London just at the time when the Diocese of St.
+Alban's was created, and when Bishop Claughton, then Bishop of
+Rochester, had his choice between Rochester and St. Alban's, but had not
+decided which to be. I went to dine with Canon Erskine Clarke and met
+there old Mr. Philip Cazenove, who took me in his carriage to a
+reception at Bishop Woodford's. Mr. Cazenove knew both his Bible and his
+Horace thoroughly. Almost the first person we met at the reception was
+Bishop Claughton, and Mr. Cazenove shook him by the hand saying, "How do
+you do, my Lord, sive tu mavis Rochester vocari sive St. Alban's." The
+bishop, a First in Classics, was delighted. [It may be noted that Bishop
+Walsham How had been curate to Bishop Claughton at Kidderminster, and a
+close friend all his life.]
+
+
+Miss Jacobson told me that her father, the Bishop of Chester, was once
+talking with a foreign ecclesiastic who had a great admiration for Dr.
+Pusey, whom he spoke of as _ce cher Pussy_.
+
+
+A gushing young lady was visiting Bishop Philpotts at Torquay, and,
+standing at a window at Bishop's Court, she exclaimed, "How beautiful!
+It's just like Switzerland!" "Yes," said the bishop, "just like
+Switzerland, except that here there are no mountains, and there no sea."
+
+
+The Bishop of Bangor (Campbell) told me that when a former dean was
+quite in his dotage he had got it into his head that the bishop was
+dead. So he went and called upon him. The old dean was very courteous,
+asking after his health and his daughter's, seeming to have quite
+forgotten his delusion, when suddenly he seemed struck with the thought
+that he was losing an opportunity and exclaimed, "Oh, by the way, you
+are sure to be able to tell me who your successor is."
+
+
+The late Bishop Hills one Monday morning was standing talking to Mr.
+Pearson, the Vicar of Darlington, when a Mr. Maughan (pronounced Morn)
+came up and handed the bishop some sovereigns, saying, "There, my Lord,
+is our yesterday's collection for your fund." At once Mr. Pearson bowed
+and said, "Hail, smiling morn, that tips the hills with gold!"
+
+
+A former bishop of Nottingham was a large, fine man with a good deal of
+dignity of manner. He one night found a burglar in his house, seized
+him, threw him down, and, having managed to ring the bell, sat upon him
+till help came. While so doing he asked the man if he knew who was
+sitting upon him. The burglar said "No." "I am the Bishop of
+Nottingham," said the bishop, whereupon (as the bishop told it) the
+burglar used an expression not complimentary to bishops.
+
+
+Bishop Temple of London is a very powerful man, and when he first
+preached in Spitalfields Church some of the policemen came to hear him.
+The rector, Mr. Billing, afterwards asked one of them what he thought of
+the new bishop. "Well, sir," said the man, "I think it would take two of
+us to run him in."
+
+
+A former bishop of Exeter in old days was noted for saying severe and
+sarcastic things in the blandest tones. Once when sitting with a friend
+in an arbour in his garden he saw a party of strangers coolly walking
+round his garden. He mentioned to his friend that he was frequently
+annoyed by these unwarrantable intrusions, saying he would speak very
+sharply to these people when they came past. As they reached the place
+the bishop to their great dismay stepped out and confronted them. They
+were profuse in their apologies, saying they knew his kindness and hoped
+they were not intruding, "Oh, no," said his Lordship, "pray make it your
+own: I will only ask one little favour: I should be greatly obliged if
+you would not go through the house to-day, as a lady is seriously ill
+there."
+
+    Apropos of this story it is worth recording that when Bishop
+    Walsham How moved into the new house which was built for him at
+    Wakefield a footpath which ran straight through the middle of
+    the garden had to be diverted. The legal time for closing the
+    old footpath had not arrived when the bishop first went to live
+    in the house, and he was much beset by inquisitive people
+    wandering about the whole place. There is a flower border round
+    the house, edged with a raised stone edging. This stonework was
+    kept thoroughly worn and dirty opposite to each sitting-room
+    window, owing to it being used by the unobtrusive Yorkshireman
+    as a standing place from which he could look into the rooms. The
+    edging was not more than a few feet from the windows, so the
+    nuisance became very great.
+
+A bishop of Sodor and Man travelling on the continent found himself
+entered in the book of a French hotel as _l'évèque du siphon et de
+l'homme_.
+
+
+A story about suffragan bishops. Archbishop Tait's coachman, Wyatt, was
+driving a gentleman one day when the latter asked about the horses, the
+coachman saying, "We had a hard time of it some years ago knocking about
+to Confirmations and Consecrations all over the country, but since we've
+taken Mr. Parry into the business we've done better." (Mr. Parry was the
+suffragan bishop of Dover.)
+
+
+The Bishop of Bedford (Billing) when rector of Spitalfields was once
+visiting a pickpocket who had been very ill, and on whom he thought he
+had made some impression. One day Mr. Billing saw he was getting better
+and said he hoped he would soon be able to get to work. "Oh, yes, sir,"
+said the man, "it's a good time of year coming on, just when one meets
+so many old gents coming home from dinner at night."
+
+    Finally, here are two or three stories to which no name is
+    attached:
+
+An ambitious young curate once complained to his bishop that he had not
+sufficient scope for his energies, and would like a larger sphere of
+work. The bishop quietly remarked, "Would a hemisphere do?"
+
+
+A bishop once stayed at a house where they put out for him a set of
+silver-mounted brushes. When he left, the brushes disappeared, and the
+master of the house waited some days thinking he should receive them
+back, but, not doing so, he wrote and inquired if they had got packed up
+by mistake with the bishop's things. He received a telegram next day
+saying, "Poor but honest; look in table-drawer."
+
+
+A young lady sitting by a bishop-suffragan who was also an archdeacon,
+asked him if it was true that he was an archdeacon as well as a bishop,
+and when he said, "Yes," she said, "Is not that what they call
+pleurisy?"
+
+
+A certain bishop of the old school had a well-known and invariable
+Confirmation charge, which began, "My dear young friends, we have been
+engaged in a very interesting, and (as I hold it to be) a perfectly
+unobjectionable ceremony."
+
+
+A certain clergyman about to be married is said to have written to his
+bishop to ask if he could marry himself, as he wished the wedding to be
+very quiet, and did not want to trouble any other clergyman. The bishop
+is said to have replied that he could not give him permission to marry
+himself, but he thought he might allow him to bury himself if he wished
+and felt able.
+
+
+
+
+  STORIES OF THE BISHOP'S OWN EXPERIENCES DURING HIS EPISCOPACY.
+
+
+    These are not very numerous, and occupy a comparatively small
+    portion of the note-book. Some of them have already appeared in
+    the "Life of Bishop Walsham How."
+
+I once visited the Bishop of Bath and Wells, and was going on afterwards
+for a week's fishing in Dorsetshire. It so happened that my portmanteau,
+in which were my dress-clothes, was locked, but a carpet-bag containing
+all my fishing things was not locked. When I went up to dress for dinner
+at the Palace I found that the butler had put out all my fishing clothes
+with wading stockings and wading boots for me to dress in for dinner.
+
+
+I received the following letter during the time that I was Bishop of
+Wakefield:
+
+    May it please your Lordship,
+
+    To inform me, my Lord, wether I have a legal right to a grave,
+    or not, supposing my granfather of my mother's side, my
+    Lordship, and the said granfather had no son, and my mother was
+    the eldest daughter, and I am my mother's eldest child and only
+    son, my Lordship, who would become in possession, of the said
+    grave, my Lordship, supposing my father, loeses my mother, my
+    Lordship, has he a legal right to bury my mother, in the said
+    grave, if it is not left, in the aforesaid,--granfather's Will,
+    my Lordship, hasn't the aforesaid granfather granson the Legal
+    Right of the said Grave, my Lordship, has a Son-in-law, a Legal
+    Right before a Granson, to the said Grave, my Lordship, has my
+    sister a Legal Right, to have my Father, buryed in the said
+    Grave, my Lordship, without the concent of her Brother, my
+    Lordship, is that Grave invested with Vicar's Right's, so that
+    no one can interfear with the said Grave, my Lordship, the said
+    Grave has a Head Stone to it and there was a certain amount of
+    Fee's to be paid, before, the said Vicar allows the said Stone
+    to be put over the Grave, my Lordship, would not that Grave
+    devolve and become Freehold Property, my Lordship, may it please
+    your Grace to send me a reply
+
+      from yours truly
+      ----
+
+    This letter is perfect sense, and was "translated" by the
+    Bishop's legal secretary. Entire repunctuation will be found a
+    great assistance to any one whose curiosity leads them to
+    attempt to gather the meaning.
+
+I have had a complaint from a layman to say that his rector in a sermon
+recently preached explained the repetition of the Lord's Prayer in the
+Church service by saying as follows: "The prayer occurs three times in
+the morning service; one is for those who get to church in good time,
+the second one is for the late, the third one is for the very late." My
+correspondent did not think this profitable teaching.
+
+
+A working man in East London being shown some photographs came to one of
+the Bishop of Bedford (myself), and the clergyman who was showing the
+photographs said, "That is the Bishop of Bedford, he is a total
+abstainer you know." The man paused a moment and then said, "Ah, there's
+reformed in all classes, no doubt."
+
+
+A little girl at Eastbourne was at a church where I was preaching, and
+in a whisper in the middle of the sermon begged her mother to let her
+have a pair of sleeves like the bishop's.
+
+
+An old woman, whom I confirmed lately in a Yorkshire parish, said to the
+clergyman's wife at the end of the service, "A turned sick three times,
+but a banged thro'."
+
+
+I sent a curate to look at a church I wanted him to take charge of, and
+he found a choirboy in the church who told him the Bishop had been there
+the Sunday before. "And what did you think of him?" said the curate. The
+boy replied, "A thought he'd a been a bigger mon."
+
+
+I have received a letter from a man complaining that, having been
+recommended to study "Daniel on the Book of Common Prayer," he had read
+the book of Daniel all through, and could find no mention of the
+Prayer-book in it.
+
+
+Our forefathers seem to have had occasion for a curious instrument
+called a scratchback, which consisted of a small ivory hand screwed on
+to a long light handle. One of these is preserved as a curiosity at a
+country house in this diocese. My domestic chaplain, when he first
+called there, finding himself alone in the drawing-room, took up the
+instrument, and never having enjoyed the experience proceeded to put it
+down his back. At that moment the lady of the house entered, and my
+chaplain hastily withdrawing the machine found the handle had separated
+from the hand, which was left behind. He had to apologise, and ask
+permission to retire that he might recover the missing hand.
+
+
+
+
+  CONCERNING LUNATICS.
+
+
+    In common with most people whose names are well known, Bishop
+    Walsham How received many letters from lunatics. He also met
+    with a few and has recorded one or two of his experiences. One
+    of these dates from somewhat early days, as will be seen from
+    the reference to Dr. Christopher Wordsworth. It runs as
+    follows:
+
+Once when I was staying at St. John's Wood I took an early omnibus to
+Westminster, and as it was fine I got up outside and had for a companion
+a very gentlemanly looking man of military appearance. He soon began to
+talk about prophecy and the revelation, showing an intimate acquaintance
+with the Bible, and at last he asked me if I did not think the time had
+arrived for the Messiah to be again revealed in the flesh. I of course
+deprecated all attempts to fix the date of the Second Advent, but he
+persisted in his attempts to prove that the Messiah would again be
+incarnate. I saw he was full of wild notions, but I was rather startled
+when he asked me if I could name any one on earth who seemed to me to
+answer to all the requirements I should look for in the Messiah, and
+when I said, "Certainly not," he startled me still more by saying, "Now
+I should be disposed to say Dr. Christopher Wordsworth" (then Dean of
+Westminster) "answered most nearly, if it were not for his extraordinary
+hallucination with regard to the millenium." Of course by this time I
+saw the man was mad. However, I asked him if he could name any one more
+perfectly answering to his expectation. He then asked me if I understood
+the meaning of the Frogs in the book of Revelation, and, on my answering
+in the negative, he said. "I ask myself what can you predicate of frogs?
+Only two things, they croak and they jump. So when I hear any one clear
+his throat, suddenly putting his hand up to his mouth, I say to myself,
+'That is the sign of the frogs. The time is come'." He then said, "You
+will allow, I presume, that the Messiah must appear from a mountain?" To
+which I of course assented, as I did to everything else now. "And that
+mountain must bear a name equivalent to Armageddon?" "Yes." "Do you know
+what Armageddon means?" "No." "It is a name of the devil." "Oh!" "Well,
+such a mountain exists." "Where?" "In the county of Tipperary, and at
+the foot of that mountain I was born." He then went on with a long
+rhapsody, saying, "Yes, I am the Messiah, though men won't believe it.
+It's a most curious fact that, while the interests of humanity centre in
+me, each man believes that they centre in himself. Yes, I am the
+scape-goat. You know that goat was sent into the wilderness by the
+priest. Ah! that event happened on" (here he mentioned very rapidly some
+date which I forget). "I was the goat: moral wilderness, you
+know--commission in lunacy. My brother was the priest--sent me into the
+wilderness, &c. &c." He was now talking very rapidly and excitedly, and
+I was glad our journey came to an end.
+
+    The other incident recorded in the note-book occurred more
+    recently, when on the Monday before Ash Wednesday the Bishop had
+    been preaching in a London church, and a young man came to the
+    vestry after the service to speak to him. The Bishop having
+    asked him how he could help him, the young man laid one hand on
+    the Bishop's knee, looked him earnestly in the face, and said in
+    a loud impressive whisper, "To-morrow's pancake day, and the
+    next day's salt-fish!"
+
+
+
+
+  DREAMS.
+
+
+    Few people remember dreams to the same extent as Bishop Walsham
+    How. It was a very usual thing at breakfast for him to tell
+    some absurd dream that he had had, the remembrance of which
+    often amused him so much as to greatly hinder its recital. In
+    his note-book he has recorded two, one of his own, and one of
+    Bishop Jackson's (of London).
+
+A Dream of Red Tape.--A clergyman is often rather beset with forms to
+fill up. Probably in consequence of this I dreamt one night that I was
+walking through a street with a lady, and, it having been raining, there
+were many puddles. I stopped and said I had got some new forms in my
+pocket which would be most useful. I then pulled out a large roll of
+forms, printed as follows: "Madam, allow me to have the honour of
+assisting you to----over this----." There was a line below for a
+signature. I explained that you had only to fill up the first space with
+"step" or "jump," and the second with "puddle" or "pool," according to
+size, sign your name at the bottom and the thing was done.
+
+    This is a comparatively recent entry in the note-book, but the
+    dream occurred many years ago. Those who remember the Bishop
+    telling it in old days will not have forgotten that he used to
+    say that he dreamt it after spending a long day signing his name
+    at the Oswestry Savings' Bank of which he was a trustee.
+
+    Bishop Jackson's dream was as follows:
+
+The Bishop of London, at the time of one of the great gatherings of
+Sunday school children in St. Paul's Cathedral, dreamt that he was
+there, and heard them singing a hymn, one verse of which was as follows:
+
+  To our Churchwardens we will tell
+    The wonders of this day,
+  And eke to them will take the bill
+    Of what they have to pay.
+
+
+
+
+  YORKSHIRE STORIES.
+
+
+A Yorkshire clergyman the other day, visiting a poor man who had just
+lost his little boy, endeavoured to console him. The poor man burst into
+tears, and in the midst of his sobs exclaimed: "If 'twarna agin t' law a
+should ha' liked to have t' little beggar stoofed."
+
+
+A leading layman in the Wakefield diocese went to see a poor old woman
+whose husband had just died after a long illness. In talking of him she
+remarked, "Eh, but John's tabernacle tuk a deal o' riving to bits."
+
+
+The Vicar of Sowerby Bridge met with a woman in his parish who said she
+could not agree with the Church. On being pressed for particulars she
+said she could not hold with renouncing the devil and all his works.
+
+
+The Vicar of one of the large towns in the diocese of Wakefield was
+having a pipe in his kitchen late at night when, about 11 P.M., there
+was a knock at the door, and when he opened it he found two Salvation
+lassies who said they had called to see if he would give them something
+for their work. He said he was sorry he could not do so, though he
+wished them well, and he asked if they found much drunkenness in that
+town. "Yes," said one of them, "and also of its twin child of the devil,
+smoking."
+
+
+A Yorkshireman (the story is told of Birstall) who had a scolding wife
+met a mate one morning who looked rather sad, and asked him what was the
+matter. The other said, "I've lost my old missus." To this the former
+replied, "I'll swop my wick un for your dead un, and pay t' funeral
+expenses too!"
+
+    Another Birstall story:
+
+When the present incumbent was appointed to Birstall, a man there said,
+"We've had no Harvest Festival this time, as there was no vicar, but now
+a new one is appointed I dare say we shall have a lot of them!"
+
+
+A very wealthy manufacturer whose works were in the Wakefield diocese
+was asked for a donation to a charitable object, and said they might put
+down his name for two guineas. It was pointed out to him that his son
+had already given twice that amount, and he might not like his name to
+appear for less than his son's. "Oh, it's all right," he said; "you see
+he has got a well-to-do father, and I haven't."
+
+
+Two men went round a parish in Yorkshire, house to house, collecting a
+fund for the repair of the churchyard wall. Presently they came to a
+house where the man had just come in from work and was washing himself
+in the back kitchen. Hearing the men in the front room he called out,
+"What dost a want? Dost a want some o' ma brass? Nay, thee'll noan get
+ma brass for yon job." One of the men replied, "Why, t' wall wants
+mending badly." "Nay, man," answered the man in the back room, "them as
+is in t' churchyard weant get out, and them as isn't in doant want to
+get in. Tha, man, let it bide."
+
+
+A clergyman in Yorkshire, visiting a dying man, observed him putting his
+hand out of the bed and eating something from time to time, so he said
+he was glad to see he could eat a little, when the man with a funny look
+said, "They're my funeral biscuits. The missis went to the town and
+bought them, and she's out to-day, and I'm eating them."
+
+
+A poor woman at Halifax talking of her husband, said he had tried
+everything--he had been a churchman, then a Wesleyan, then a Baptist,
+and now he was a Yarmouth bloater. (She meant Plymouth brother, but had
+got her seaports mixed.)
+
+
+A girl in Hebden Bridge came to the vicar to put up her banns of
+marriage. When all was done she lingered at the door and the vicar said,
+"Well, Mary, is there anything more?" To this she replied rather shyly,
+"Please, sir, will t' same spurrings do for another chap?" (_Spurrings_
+is a Yorkshire word for banns, and is really _speerings_ or
+_inquirings_.)
+
+
+At Thornhill an old woman lost her brother and went continually to talk
+to him at his grave. One day she was overheard saying, "Eh, William, t'
+pigs turned out well. We'd a bit o' spar rib yesterday, and a wish thee
+could ha' tasted it. And a've sold t' hams, William."
+
+
+A former vicar of Dewsbury at a funeral in a cemetery, where the grave
+was under the wall of the chapel, remarked to the widow, "It's a nice
+sheltered spot." "Ah, yes," she answered, "my poor husband never could
+bear a draught."
+
+
+
+
+  MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
+
+
+    The remainder of the stories in the note-book are concerning
+    such varied matters that it is impossible to classify them, and
+    they are given here--such of them as it is deemed right to
+    publish--as a concluding chapter of this little volume:
+
+A friend of mine met with a timber-merchant one day, who said he thought
+the Old Testament was not very historical, and contained things no one
+could believe. He said, for instance, that he had made rather accurate
+calculations of the size and weight of the Ark, and it was simply absurd
+to think that the Israelites could carry such a huge thing about with
+them in the wilderness for forty years, even without the animals.
+
+
+At a funeral of a wife the undertaker put the bereaved husband in the
+first carriage with his mother-in-law. When the widower heard of the
+arrangement he remonstrated with the undertaker, and asked if he could
+not go in one of the other carriages. Being told that this would be
+remarked upon, as the nearest relatives always went in the first
+carriage, he yielded, saying, "Ah, well, if it must be so, it must; but
+you've quite spoilt my day for me."
+
+
+A clergyman of very unclerical habits was salmon-fishing in Scotland in
+1872, and made use of strong expressions which very much disgusted the
+ghillie who accompanied him. At last the clergyman, on losing a fish he
+had hooked, made use of a very improper word when the ghillie could
+stand it no longer, but broke out with, "I'm thinking there maun ha'
+been a sair lack o' timber when they made thee a prop o' the
+Tabernacle."
+
+
+The Rev. R. Bonner, our late Government School Inspector, hired a gig
+from Shrewsbury to drive to inspect a school. The driver in the course
+of conversation informed him that they had got a new clergyman in his
+parish who did all sorts of strange things. On Mr. Bonner asking him
+what, he said, "Why, sir, he makes them sing the Psalms all through."
+Mr. B. answered, "Don't you think the Psalms were meant to be sung?" To
+which he replied, "I never heard that before, sir." Mr. B. then said,
+"Surely David wrote them for music." "Who did you say, sir?" the man
+answered. "David," said Mr. B., "You know they are called the Psalms of
+David." Whereupon the driver said, "Oh, yes, sir, I was forgetting.
+Didn't a gentleman of the name of Hopkins help him?"
+
+
+A former curate of mine, the Rev. G. E. Sheppard, left to go to All
+Saints, Shrewsbury, where I went to see him. On the wall of his room was
+a picture with these words underneath:
+
+  The Queen was asked upon one day
+  Where the greatness of Old England lay,
+  And very soon she was heard to say,
+  It lays within the Bible.
+
+
+A sceptical working man told a curate who was talking to him about our
+Lord's life that he had a curious old book at home by a writer called
+Herodotus, but, though it was very old it did not even mention any of
+the miracles recorded in the New Testament.
+
+
+A young clergyman was accused by his vicar of using too long words in
+preaching, "felicity" being given as an example. He was sure every one
+understood the word, so the vicar called up an old woman and asked her
+if she knew what "felicity" meant. She said, "Beant it summut in the
+inside of a pig?"
+
+
+An organising secretary of the Additional Curates' Society told me of a
+wonderful experience of another secretary of the same society. He was
+asked to stay at a gentleman's house in Worcestershire, and, when shown
+in, his host said he was sorry he could not shake hands with him, as he
+made it a rule to shake hands alternately with the right hand and the
+left, and he could not remember which he had used last. Then, as they
+went in to dinner, he told him it was the rule of the house always to
+make the sign of the cross with the foot on the floor at the dining-room
+door. After he had gone up to bed his host came in many times to offer
+him a night-shirt, a razor, &c. At last he thought he had got rid of him
+and went to sleep. But at midnight his host came and told him it was the
+rule of the house that at twelve o'clock all should change beds, and he
+actually had to turn out and go into another bed.
+
+
+A woman wishing good-bye to a clergyman's wife when they were going to
+another parish, said to her, "We shall all miss Mr. ----'s sermons very
+much, for, you know, intellect is not what we want in this parish."
+
+
+A certain rector, who was not a lively preacher, always closed his eyes
+when saying the Prayers. His curate wrote the following epigram:
+
+  I never see my rector's eyes;
+    He hides their light divine:
+  For, when he prays, he shuts his own,
+    And, when he preaches, mine.
+
+
+A man who had been a great drunkard was persuaded to take the pledge,
+and some time afterwards a lady went to see the wife, and asked her how
+they were getting on, to which she replied, "Oh, ma'am, we're getting on
+right well. He never beats me now, and never swears at me. I say he's
+more like a friend than a husband now."
+
+
+A gentleman was invited to a Church function, and wrote and excused
+himself as he was going to the races, "but," he added, "I shall be with
+you in spirit."
+
+
+An old verger whom I knew lost his wife, and a clergyman went in the
+evening after the funeral to condole with him. As he reached the door he
+heard very lively voices inside, and on opening it the first words he
+heard were from the old verger himself who was exclaiming, "What's
+trumps?" The room was full of tobacco smoke, and as soon as the verger,
+to his horror, saw his vicar standing at the door he said very humbly,
+"Oh, sir, I beg pardon; it's only a few friends as helped to put my poor
+wife underground."
+
+
+A former Archdeacon of Gloucester had on his paper of inquiries
+addressed to the churchwardens this question: "Is your clergyman of
+sober life and conversation?" One churchwarden answered, "He is sober,
+but I have had no conversation with him for many years."
+
+
+An enthusiastic total abstainer had a bit of blue ribbon sewn on his
+nightshirts, for, he said, if the house was on fire and he had to escape
+in his night-dress, he would like people to see that he was a member of
+the blue ribbon society.
+
+
+A Mr. Manning was curate of my old parish of Whittington at the time the
+present form of marriage registers came into use, and, not understanding
+the heading "Condition," he filled up that column in the first entry,
+"Man lean, woman rather fat."
+
+
+An Act of Parliament against making false entries in registers, or
+mutilating them, is bound up with many Registers. The penalty is
+transportation for ten years. Towards the end of the Act is a short
+clause (with the word "penalties" in the margin) saying, "Half the
+penalties under this Act are to go to the informer, and the other half
+to the poor of the parish."
+
+
+At a charity sermon a certain nobleman was in a seat with a rich man
+whom he did not know, but who knew him, the nobleman being furthest from
+the door. At the close of the sermon the nobleman took out a shilling
+and placed it on the book-board. The rich parvenu was very indignant,
+and as a rebuke took out a sovereign and placed it on the book-board.
+The nobleman looked for a moment and then quietly put down another
+shilling, the other putting down at once a second sovereign. And so they
+went on till the nobleman had five shillings and the other five pounds
+before him. When the alms-bag came the rich man ostentatiously put the
+five sovereigns in. The nobleman put one shilling into the bag, and the
+other four into his pocket.
+
+
+Some Americans managed to get an interview with Mr. Keble at Hursley. He
+walked with them through the garden, when one of them picked a branch of
+a climbing rose, and said, "Now, if you will have the goodness to hand
+that to me I can get five dollars for it in New York."
+
+
+The vicar of an East London parish was one of the first London clergymen
+to grow his beard. The then Bishop of London wished to stop the
+practice, and, as he was going to confirm in that church, sent his
+chaplain to the vicar to ask him to shave it off, saying he should
+otherwise select another church for the Confirmation. The vicar replied
+that he was quite willing to take his candidates to another church, and
+would give out next Sunday the reason for the change. Of course, the
+bishop retracted.
+
+
+The old Mitre Hymn-book had in it a hymn describing the just man, and,
+among the noble Christian graces ascribed to him, is the following
+couplet:
+
+  And what his charity impairs
+  He saves by prudence in affairs.
+
+
+A Professional View of a Church Congress.--At the Bath Church Congress a
+friend of mine went to have his hair cut, and, finding that the barber
+had been to a session of the Congress the evening before, he asked him
+what he thought of it. He replied, "I was greatly struck, sir, with the
+number of bald heads."
+
+
+A clergyman travelling in the North of England got into conversation
+with a fellow traveller, and told him about St. Cuthbert, and then was
+beginning to tell him about the Venerable Bede, when the other remarked,
+"I think, sir, you are mistaken. You will find that Cuthbert and Bede
+were the same person." He was doubtless thinking of "Cuthbert Bede," the
+_nom de plume_ of Edward Bradley, the author of "Mr. Verdant Green."
+
+
+Jowett of Balliol was once asked by a friend if he thought a really good
+man could be happy on the rack. He said, "Perhaps, if he were a _very_
+good man, and it was a _very_ bad rack."
+
+
+One of the speakers at the meeting of the Catholic Truth Society at
+Bristol (Sept. 1895) told a story of a pious Catholic visiting
+Westminster Abbey, and kneeling in a quiet corner for private devotion,
+when he was summoned in stentorian tones to come and view the royal
+tombs and chapels. "But I have seen them," said the stranger, "and I
+only wish to say my prayers." "Prayers is over," said the verger.
+"Still, I suppose," said the stranger, "there can be no objection to my
+saying my prayers quietly here?" "No objection, sir!" said the irate
+verger. "Why, it would be an insult to the Dean and Chapter."
+
+
+In Doylestown, United States of America, cemetery is a square enclosure
+with four tombstones at the four corners recording the deaths of the
+four wives of one man. In the centre stands a large monument, with name
+and dates of birth and death, and the touching words,
+
+  "Our Husband."
+
+
+A certain well-known preacher of somewhat exciting sermons was invited
+by the Vicar of Willenhall to preach in his church. One of the
+parishioners afterwards describing the effect of the sermon upon him to
+his vicar said, "It was a main fine sarment, sir, but he first speak in
+a whisper like, and then he shouted that loud as made me hop clean off
+my seat. So the next time I watched him, and when I heerd him
+a-whisperin' I see it a-comin', and I ketch right tight howd of the seat
+a this'n" (suiting the action to the word), "and then it didna do me no
+harm."
+
+
+Mr. Edward Haycock, jun., the architect, of Shrewsbury, in speaking to a
+builder about the restoration of a church, was fairly puzzled by the man
+recommending that a certain addition should be made with a le-anto roof.
+Mr. Haycock did not like to acknowledge his ignorance of this sort of
+roof, and he asked the man to describe how he would manage it, when he
+soon saw that the man was talking of a lean-to roof.
+
+
+An old lady in Shrewsbury once complained to my father about Christmas
+Day falling on a Sunday, and said that it never was so in her younger
+days, and she supposed it was the Radicals that had done it. On my
+father saying that it had been so sometimes before, she said, "Well,
+perhaps I'm wrong, for my memory is getting very bad, and I have a
+distinct recollection of Good Friday once happening on a Sunday."
+
+
+The Vicar of Highclere once took duty in a church where he thought he
+had only morning and afternoon sermons to provide. Finding there was
+also an evening service, and not being prepared with a third sermon, he
+gave out in the morning that there would be no sermon in the evening,
+and then immediately gave out the hymn, "O day of rest and gladness,"
+which caused some smiles.
+
+
+A friend of mine was taking a mission for the vicar of a parish in
+Bolton. As they were walking together down the street they met an old
+woman, and the vicar asked her after her husband, who was very ill,
+saying, "I am afraid he is very ill." "Yes, sir," she answered, "but I
+do my best for him: I read the Burial Service to him every day to get
+him used to it."
+
+
+A certain clergyman was said to be invisible for six days of the week,
+and incomprehensible on the seventh.
+
+
+An old gardener, whose master was dead, and who was engaged to continue
+with his successor, was seen by his new master one day measuring some
+young trees in the garden. When asked what he was doing, he replied,
+"Well, sir, I don't think I'm long for this world, and when I go up
+there the first thing the old master will ask me will be, 'How are the
+young trees getting on?'"
+
+
+A Coincidence.--I was once reading the lessons in Kidderminster Church
+when the organ ciphered, and one note went piping on all the time I was
+reading. It happened that the lesson was Job xxi., and I quite broke
+down at verse 12. ("They ... rejoice at the sound of the organ.")
+
+
+When the new vicar went to Cantrip he found Church matters in a very
+primitive state. After a short time he introduced "Hymns Ancient and
+Modern." One day one of the farmers met him, and said, "What is this new
+hymn-book, sir? I don't like it." The vicar, thinking he was in for a
+theological discussion, said, "What don't you like?" "Why," said the
+farmer, "I don't like them words." "What words?" "Why, them words as
+they sing now; I am not used to them." Being pressed as to the
+particular words, he at last confessed that he never had sung _any_
+words at all before, but only "one, two, three, four," and he thought
+having any words at all a very dangerous innovation.
+
+
+A Cornish rector had a tickling cough, and was recommended by his doctor
+to go to Exeter and have his uvula cut, which he did. Some time
+afterwards another patient, suffering in the same way, applied to the
+same doctor, who wrote a little note to the rector, asking him who had
+shortened his uvula, and how it had succeeded. The doctor wrote a
+very bad hand, and the clergyman read "roller" for "uvula." It happened
+that he had lately had a stone roller shortened that it might pass
+through a garden gate, so he wrote back, "Dear sir, it was done by a
+stonemason in the village. He cut off eighteen inches, and it is now six
+feet long, and answers thoroughly."
+
+
+Mr. Burgon had a class of young ladies at Oxford, and had occasion to
+mention the Targums, when he stopped and said, "By the way, do any of
+you young ladies know what a Targum is?" One of them replied, "It's a
+bird with white wings, rather larger than a partridge."
+
+
+A curate at Witney in 1888 called upon a parishioner for the first time,
+and found him at home. The man received him with the utmost coolness,
+proceeded to take down a bust of Disraeli from a shelf, placed it on the
+table before the curate, and said, "Now, sir, be you for 'im, or be you
+for t' other un?" This was to determine whether to be friendly or not.
+
+
+The late Mr. William Lyttelton, Rector of Hagley, told me one day that
+he had just met an old lady who stammered very badly. She told Mr.
+Lyttelton that she had just lost a cousin, and, being distressed, had
+sent for her clergyman to console her. "And what d-d-do you th-think the
+man d-d-d-d-did, Mr. Lyttelton?" she said. "I'm sure I don't know," he
+replied. "Why, he read me all ab-b-bout D-d-david and B-b-b-bathsheba! A
+very g-g-good man, you know, Mr. Lyttelton, b-b-but not j-j-judicious!"
+
+
+A friend of mine, an Archdeacon, at a dinner of professors at Göttingen,
+sat by Wieseler, who descanted on the excellence of the English Church,
+and was especially charmed with what he heard of bishops sinking their
+personality and becoming known only by the name of their sees. He
+himself had learnt more from one of them than from any foreign writer:
+he referred to the great Thomas Carlyle.
+
+
+The present Vicar of Almondbury went to a barber's shop in Chatham to
+have his hair cut at the time that he was curate there. The artist asked
+him if he had known his son at Oxford, and explained that he had meant
+him for his own profession, but he hadn't the brains for it, so he sent
+him into the Church.
+
+
+  =Transcriber's Notes:=
+  hyphenation, spelling and grammar have been preserved as in the original
+  Page 9, foun among others ==> found among others
+  Page 51, trying to the congregration ==> trying to the congregation
+  Page 67, Answer: Because they didn't ==> Answer: "Because they didn't
+  Page 58, To this she answered == To this she answered,
+  Page 82, you wont deceive ==> you won't deceive
+  Page 87, the same. ==> the same."
+  Page 89, 'Weel, I must say ==> "Weel, I must say
+  Page 125, said, ""I've lost ==> said, "I've lost
+  Page 142, young ladies at at Oxford ==> young ladies at Oxford
+  Page 143, D-d-d avid ==> D-d-david
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lighter Moments from the Notebook of
+Bishop Walsham How, by Frederick Douglas How
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LIGHTER MOMENTS--BISHOP WALSHAM HOW ***
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lighter Moments from the Notebook of Bishop
+Walsham How, by Frederick Douglas How
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Lighter Moments from the Notebook of Bishop Walsham How
+
+Author: Frederick Douglas How
+
+Release Date: September 8, 2011 [EBook #37347]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LIGHTER MOMENTS--BISHOP WALSHAM HOW ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Delphine Lettau, Ross Cooling and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Canada Team at
+http://www.pgdpcanada.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<br /><br />
+<h1>LIGHTER MOMENTS</h1>
+
+
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h3>
+<span class="smcap">First Edition</span>, <i>March 1900</i><br />
+<span class="smcap">Reprinted</span>, <i>April 1900</i><br />
+<span class="smcap">Reprinted</span>, <i>May 1900</i><br />
+</h3>
+
+
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h1>LIGHTER MOMENTS</h1>
+
+<h3>FROM THE NOTEBOOK</h3>
+
+<h4>OF</h4>
+
+<h2>BISHOP WALSHAM HOW</h2>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h4>EDITED BY</h4>
+
+<h3>FREDERICK DOUGLAS HOW</h3>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>LONDON</h3>
+<h3>ISBISTER AND COMPANY <span class="smcap">Limited</span></h3>
+<h4>15 &amp; 16 TAVISTOCK STREET COVENT GARDEN</h4>
+<h4>1900</h4>
+
+
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h4>
+Printed by <span class="smcap">Ballantyne, Hanson &amp; Co.</span><br />
+London &amp; Edinburgh</h4>
+
+
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h2>PREFACE</h2>
+
+
+<p>On Christmas Day, 1891, my father presented me with his collection of
+"Ecclesiastical Jottings," as he called them, having previously had them
+handsomely bound in red leather. When he put them into my hands he
+expressed a hope that I should some day make a little book of them. Up
+to the time of his death he made frequent additions to the collection,
+and I have now gathered most of his stories together in "a little book,"
+according to his wishes.</p>
+
+<p>To <i>read</i> them is to lose so much; yet that is all that one can do now.
+Half their humour seems to have gone with the sound of his voice, the
+merry twinkle of his eye, and his own delight in them.</p>
+
+<p>I cannot help hoping that they may serve to brighten the odd minutes of
+some other lives spent, as his was, in many labours.</p>
+
+<p>There are some people to whom apologies seem due.</p>
+
+<p>First, to those to whom a large number of these stories are already
+familiar. May I ask them to realise that the contents of this volume
+have been so familiar to me that it has been almost impossible for me to
+know which to throw away as chestnuts?</p>
+
+<p>Secondly, I apologise to those whose appreciation of my father's
+goodness and piety is so great that they shrink from the contemplation
+of any other characteristics. To them I would, with great deference,
+suggest that they are putting on one side a large and important part of
+my father's character. No man, as I believe, walked more closely with
+his God, but his influence owed much of its power to the fact that he
+also walked in closest sympathy with men&mdash;sympathy not only with their
+tears but with their laughter&mdash;sympathy which begot, as it generally
+does, a keen sense of humour.</p>
+
+<p>Thirdly, there are those who, possessing no sense of humour themselves,
+are fearful lest it should appear derogatory to their stupendous
+intellects to appreciate that gift in others. I was going to apologise
+to these also&mdash;but, on the whole, I think I won't.</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 80%;">F. D. H.</p>
+<div class="blockquot"><i>February 1900.</i></div>
+
+
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h2>LIGHTER MOMENTS</h2>
+
+
+<p>Bishop Walsham How was the happy possessor of a nature essentially
+sunny. Deeply pious from his childhood onwards, his piety was neither of
+that morose, narrow, gloomy description met with among some people, nor
+was it of that gushing, uncertain, hysterical kind occasionally found
+among others. He was happy because he was good. His simple joyous life
+was a song of praise to his Creator, like that of a bright spring day.
+He rejoiced in the Lord alway. No one who knew him could fail to be
+struck with this all-pervading note in his character. No matter what the
+anxiety, no matter what the trouble, he was always ready to turn his
+face to the Sun and be gladdened by the Light.</p>
+
+<p>A quality on a slightly lower level, but having its own part in helping
+to sustain his sunniness of disposition, was his keen sense of humour.
+He never could help seeing the funny side of things. A visit to some
+dreary and neglected parish in East London would sadden him, but the
+ready answer of a street boy, or the good story told him by a fellow
+traveller in train or tram, would not fail to be appreciated, and would
+give him something cheery to talk about when he got home.</p>
+
+<p>Surely this sense of humour is in some way closely allied with the power
+of sympathy. This is apparently true in the case of <i>men</i>. <i>Women</i> must
+be considered from a different point of view, for, while the world would
+be but a poor place bereft of their sympathy, they have for the most
+part but little sense of humour. Occasionally one meets with a supposed
+exception, but even then one is liable to be deceived. It is natural to
+all women to wish to please, and sometimes an apparently humorous
+disposition is the result of consummate acting. A lady was staying with
+a large house party at a country house, and gained a great reputation by
+her power of telling amusing stories with a vast appreciation of their
+fun. It was noticed that other people's stories were received by her
+with remarkable gravity, and seldom called forth her laughter. This was
+ascribed by some to jealousy, by others to a limited sense of humour. At
+last the true explanation was forthcoming. An accident revealed the fact
+that every story she heard was carefully noted, and entered afterwards
+in a book, with the place and date where it was told. Hence the grave
+attention with which she listened. It was not the fun that attracted
+her, but the opportunity of adding to a store of anecdotes from which a
+selection was carefully rehearsed day by day in her bedroom, to be let
+off like a number of little set pieces for the amusement of the company
+and her own glorification.</p>
+
+<p>Bishop Walsham How entered most of the amusing incidents and stories he
+met with in a notebook, but his sense of humour was very different from
+that of the lady mentioned above. There was no lack of spontaneity. It
+was part and parcel of himself, and he would never have been the man he
+was, or had the influence he possessed, without it.</p>
+
+<p>Although far more men than women seem to have this sense, yet every one
+must be familiar with some few of those unfortunate people in whom it is
+lacking. Let a man think of his schooldays. There were masters who
+<i>understood</i>&mdash;who saw the joke underlying a breach of discipline; who
+punished, indeed, but who did it with a twinkle in the eye which helped
+to cure the smart. These were the men whom the boys trusted, just
+because they felt that they were sure of sympathy. But there was
+probably one at least among the staff, ponderous, dull, and worthy,
+well-meaning, but a failure simply by reason of an entire lack of the
+sense of humour. By dint of dogged perseverance he got certain facts
+into the heads of his class, but he never succeeded in interesting them
+in their work. He took boys out for a solemn walk, but never gained a
+confidence. What was the good of talking to him? He never had been a
+boy: he could not understand.</p>
+
+<p>It is just the same in other professions. The clergyman with pale and
+heavy features, who sees no fun in anything, may just as well stop at
+home as go round from house to house with his awkward unsympathetic
+questions. The children run away from him, their parents are simply
+bored. The doctor or the lawyer loses touch with his clients when he is
+unfortunate enough to be set down as a man who cannot see a joke.</p>
+
+<p>In fact, the sense of humour is a real part of the power of conveying a
+sense of sympathy. The sympathy <i>may</i> be there in the dullest and
+heaviest of men, but he has not the power of conveying it. One of Bishop
+Walsham How's great delights was to share with others the amusement he
+gleaned from day to day, and it was his wish that after his death some
+of the stories that he collected should be published. Many of them he
+frequently told, and they have been repeated from mouth to mouth till
+they are well known, others were perhaps well known when he first heard
+them. The following selection has been made with the hope of including
+all the more original anecdotes, and it is hoped that they may have some
+small share in keeping alive the memory of one whose sense of humour
+helped to increase his wide-hearted sympathy for his fellow creatures.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Many of the stories told by Bishop Walsham How centre round
+Whittington, the Shropshire parish of which he was Rector from
+1851 to 1879. In the early days of his residence there
+superstition was exceedingly rife. There is a note by the
+Bishop to this effect:</p></div>
+
+<p>The prevalence of superstition in these enlightened days (as we call
+them: how our great-grandchildren will laugh at us!) is most marvellous.
+The following are in this parish generally approved and seriously
+recommended remedies for the whooping-cough, popularly called the
+"chin-cough": To be swung nine times under a donkey. To pass the patient
+three times under and over a briar growing from a hedge, saying, "Over
+the briar and under the briar, and leave the chin-cough behind."<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a>
+Anything recommended by a seventh son. (One woman cured several people,
+she tells me, by sending them to meet a boatman who is a seventh son,
+and to ask him what would cure them.) Anything recommended by a man on a
+piebald horse. (I have been told of cures being thus effected by gin,
+honey, cold water, and an ounce of tea taken wholly.)</p>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> This process I can remember undergoing at the hands of my
+nurse in the garden of Whittington Rectory.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed.</span></p></div>
+
+<p>Soon after I came here [Whittington] an old neighbour, Kitty Williams,
+was ill, and my wife was ill at the same time. In speaking of the
+latter fact to an old woman who lived at the hamlet of Babies' Wood, she
+said she hoped we were good to old Kitty, for she had an evil eye and
+might have caused Mrs. How's illness. She then told me the following
+story: When Kitty was young she lived in service near Whittington, but
+was sent away for some misconduct, and after a time married Jonathan
+Williams and came to live where I knew her. From the time she left her
+place nothing prospered there. Cows died, horses went lame, and all went
+wrong. So they consulted a wise woman, who told them to get a pair of
+black horses with long tails and to drive them about till they stopped
+of themselves, and then to give the first woman they saw whatever she
+asked for. They did so; the horses stopped opposite Kitty's cottage
+close by Whittington Rectory. Kitty came out, and they greeted their old
+servant and asked what they should give her. She chose a shawl, so they
+went to Oswestry and bought her one, after which all things prospered
+with them. This was told me with the seriousness of profound belief.<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a></p>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> The following facts may throw some light on the horses
+stopping at that exact spot. First, they were probably hearse horses;
+secondly, there is a public-house on the other side of the road.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Scarcely less curious were many of the phrases and sayings which
+he came across in visiting the old inhabitants of the parish.
+Here are a few which found a place in his notebook:</p></div>
+
+<p>A woman from whom I was making some inquiry concerning a neighbour
+answered me, "I really can't tell you, sir, for I've not much confection
+of cheerfulness with my neighbours."</p>
+
+<p>Another woman, who had been ill, described herself to me as being "as
+thin as a halfpenny herring."</p>
+
+<p>A poor woman in the parish, speaking to me of the wonders of the
+heavens, expressed her astonishment at the sun rising in the east,
+whereas it set in the west. "I suppose," she said, "it gets back in the
+night when it is dark."</p>
+
+<p>The following words are given verbatim as spoken by an old woman in the
+parish on the occasion of my first visit soon after I became Rector.
+"The old man and me never go to bed, sir, without singing the Evening
+Hymn. Not that I've got any voice left, for I haven't; and as for him,
+he's like a bee in a bottle; and then he don't humour the tune, for he
+don't rightly know one tune from another, and he can't remember the
+words neither; so when he leaves out a word I puts it in, and when I
+can't sing I dances, and so we gets through it somehow."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Queer letters, too, find a place among the other curiosities of
+Whittington. Mrs. How received the following remarkable epistle
+about a poor woman who had been sent to a lady in Oswestry.
+There is not a stop in the letter from beginning to end:</p></div>
+
+<p>I am sorry to send to you Ellen Morris which her his heavy afflicted
+with the favor on the brain which her is not fit to get her living and
+her did go to Mrs. G&mdash;&mdash; and I did write a note to go to her and her
+said if her had a note from a clergyman her would give her 2 6
+[two-and-six] what does it matter who write a note for a person when
+they are in distress people that can write a note and tell the truth
+which her has got a pair of boots in a shoemaker's shop which her
+cannot get them out without two shilling and her his very near barefoot
+and I hope you will bestow your charity this once for my sake and yours
+what we give to the poor we never shall want which I do give her what I
+can give her and God will bless us all that will give with a good free
+willing heart my dear Mrs. How which I hope you will bestow you are a
+very good to the poor and it his a great charity to give to this poor
+woman yours truly Mrs. D&mdash;&mdash; which her does beg her living from one or
+another and her does do very well considering.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The above is the complete letter, no date, and no other word of
+any sort. Vicarious begging letters are not unknown to the
+police of our big towns, but the scribe who could not do better
+than the above would have small chance of employment. A modern
+London begging letter is often a work of fine art.</p>
+
+<p>A further note on a curious letter tells how, in December 1875,
+a good widow in the village received a proposal from a man she
+had never spoken to, couched in the following terms:</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Friend</span>, I am a widower with two little girls, and I want some one
+to take care of them. I think we could live very comfortably together in
+this world, &amp; afterwards we could rejoin those we have loved who have
+gone before. If you accept this, please write &amp; say so on the other side
+of this sheet. If not, please return this letter, &amp; dont make it
+public.<a name="FNanchor_3_3" id="FNanchor_3_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a></p>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3_3" id="Footnote_3_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> Proposal declined.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The famous and eccentric Jack Mytton lived at Halston, a country
+house in the parish of Whittington, not very long before Bishop
+Walsham How went there as Rector. Some of the old servants from
+that house were still living in the village, and wonderful were
+the stories that they told. One would relate how he was
+compelled to go out on a snowy night and crawl over the ice to
+shoot wild ducks with his master, <i>dressed only in his
+nightshirt</i>. Another told how, after Jack Mytton's famous
+roasting match against a professional roaster in Shrewsbury, his
+master called for him in his carriage on his way home, and drove
+him up to Halston that he might <i>scrape</i> him where he was burnt.
+Happily such days were over before 1850, and no doubt the
+stories of these old servants lost nothing in the telling. One
+of the last to survive was the subject of the following passage
+in the notebook:</p></div>
+
+<p>Mrs. J&mdash;&mdash;, formerly housekeeper at Halston in Mr. Mytton's time, has
+long been a sufferer from asthma. She lost a sister, and in speaking of
+arrangements for the funeral told me she had a vault made for four, in
+which three, including her own husband, had been already buried, and
+that she wished her sister to have the fourth place. When I said,
+"Surely, that is meant for yourself," she answered, "No, I never could
+breathe in a vault. I must have fresh air. She shall have it, and I'll
+be buried in the open ground, if you please."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>While speaking of Halston a good story may find a place
+concerning the gentleman who owned the property in Bishop
+Walsham How's time.</p></div>
+
+<p>One of my curates, in walking down from Frankton, fell in with a man
+who startled him by saying what a pity it was that the owner of Halston
+was not a better man. On being asked what he meant, the man said that no
+good man would do as was being done on that property, and build cottages
+in pairs or close together. My curate asked why not, and the man said,
+"Because it is written 'Thou shalt not add house to house'"; and, on my
+curate explaining the true meaning to him, he repudiated it entirely,
+and said he had no doubt the thing was condemned in the Bible because
+next-door neighbours always quarrel.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Here is an account of a curious interview the Rector had with a
+local stonemason. Probably the spread of education would make
+such a thing impossible to-day.</p></div>
+
+<p>A stonemason one day brought a stone to put into the churchyard, with a
+verse on it in which occurred the line&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+Till life's brief span be ended.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>I had given no permission for this, and make a rule of refusing to allow
+poetical effusions upon tombstones. However, the mason had omitted the
+'s' after "life," so I was able to remonstrate with him, and told him
+that if he had sent me his epitaph beforehand I could at least have
+saved him from making ridiculous mistakes. He was quite incredulous, and
+asked me to point out the mistake. When I did so he put his head on one
+side, and, after contemplating the stone for some moments, said, "Now
+<i>I</i> should say, if you were to put an 's' in that line, it would come in
+better after 'brief.'"</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Some anecdotes relating to pastoral visits occur here and there
+in the notebooks. The following story is interesting as
+illustrating the fact that it does not always do to trust to
+first impressions.</p></div>
+
+<p>I was visiting on his death bed an old man in the village called John
+Richards, and one day found a very rough-looking fellow sitting by the
+head of his bed with his hands in his pockets, and his legs stretched
+out, so I asked him if he was the old man's son, to which he answered
+with a rough "Yes." I then asked him where he lived, and he answered in
+the same insolent tone, "Manchester." So, thinking he was not a
+pleasant specimen of Manchester manners, I took no further notice of
+him, but read and prayed with his father as if he were not there, he
+sitting in the same irreverent attitude all the time. Just as I was
+going he said abruptly, "I'll tell ye something." "Well," I said, "what
+is it?" "I had a mate once," he said, "down with the small-pox, uncommon
+bad, black as your hat. 'John,' he says to me, 'fetch me a minister.' So
+I went for one of these Chapel ministers, and I says to him, 'Come along
+o' me, I've got a mate bad.' So he came. So when we got to the house,
+before we went up, I says, 'You don't know what's the matter with him?'
+and he says, 'No, what is it?' 'Small-pox,' I said, 'as black as your
+hat.' And what do you think he did?" "I don't know," I said. "Why, run
+away!" he said, breaking into a loud laugh. I thought this was the end
+of the story, and that it was meant as a hit at all ministers, but he
+went on, "I warn't to be done that way, so next I goes for a Church
+minister, and I says to him, 'Come along o' me, I've got a mate bad.'
+And <i>he</i> came. Well, when we got to the foot of the stairs I says to him
+just like t'other one, 'You don't know what's the matter with him?' and
+he says, 'No, what is it?' So I says again, 'Small-pox as black as your
+hat.' Well, what do you think this chap did?" "Not run away, I hope," I
+answered. "No," he shouted in the most defiant way, "No, he walked
+straight up to the bedside and prayed with him just like you've done
+with my father." So I found that my rough and defiant friend was all the
+time paying me a compliment. But it was the most pugnacious bit of
+friendship I ever encountered.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>No one who knew the Bishop and his wide-hearted sympathy would
+think for a moment that he told this story to contrast the
+ministers of various denominations. That was not the point. The
+fun lay in the man's manner. Might it not be fair to suggest
+that possibly the one minister had been vaccinated while the
+other was a "conscientious objector" arrived before his time?
+Here is another story of pastoral visitation:</p></div>
+
+<p>A woman in a small Welsh farmhouse [Whittington is on the border of
+Wales] being taken very ill, a neighbour went for the clergyman, who
+said he would come directly. The neighbour going back to the farmhouse
+said they had better get out a Bible, as the parson might ask for one.
+The farmer thereupon told the woman she would find one, he thought, at
+the bottom of an old chest, "for thank goodness," he added, "we have had
+no occasion for them sort of books for many a long year&mdash;never since the
+old cow was so bad."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Talking of family Bibles, when Bishop Walsham How was Rector of
+Whittington he copied the following list from the entries in the
+family Bible of some people called Turner. The names are those
+of the twelve children of the family:</p>
+
+<p>
+1. Turnerina de Margaret.<br />
+2. Turnerannah de Mary Elizabeth.<br />
+3. Alfred Fitz Cawley de Walker.<br />
+4. Bernard de Belton.<br />
+5. Cornelius la Compston.<br />
+6. Turnerica Henrica Ulrica da Gloria de Lavinia Rebekah.<br />
+7. John de Hillgreave.<br />
+8. Eignah de George Turner Jones.<br />
+9. Fighonghangal o Temardugh Hope de Hindley.<br />
+10. Turnwell William ap Owen de Pringle.<br />
+11. Turnerietta de Johannah Jane de Faith.<br />
+12. Faithful Thomas.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Surely the father who invented these names was a born humorist!
+It must have been the father, for no mother would have permitted
+her children to be thus bedizened with absurd appellations if it
+had not been that her lack of humour failed to see the fun of
+her husband's gorgeous caricature of the "upper ten."</p>
+
+<p>It has often been said that the power of recognising an object
+when represented in a picture is not natural but acquired. The
+following story of one of the "Old Men's Dinners" at Whittington
+Rectory goes to show that in the early days of photography the
+rustic population had difficulty in discerning the portraits
+somewhat dimly shadowed forth on the old-fashioned glass and
+metal plates.</p></div>
+
+<p>I always have a dinner of from twenty to thirty of the oldest men of
+the parish on New Year's day, and on one of these occasions I was
+displaying to my guests a photograph of two old men who had long worked
+at the Rectory, and who were taken in their working clothes, one with a
+spade, and the other holding a little tree as if about to plant it. A
+very deaf old man, Richard Jones, took it in his hand, and looking at it
+said, "Beautiful! Beautiful!" So I shouted, "Who are they, Richard?"
+"Why," he said, "it's Abraham offering up Isaac, to be sure!" I tried to
+undeceive him, and, as the old men who had been photographed were
+sitting opposite to him, I said, "You'll see them before you if you will
+look up." But all I could get was a serene smile, "Yes, yes, I sees 'em
+before me&mdash;by faith."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Rector of Whittington was blessed with a succession of
+valuable curates, who for the most part became his close
+personal friends, and he was also on the most friendly terms
+with the clergy of the neighbouring parishes. Concerning his
+curates or his neighbours, he would now and then note an amusing
+incident, some of which must find a place here while we are
+dealing with his Whittington career.</p></div>
+
+<p>When the curacy of Whittington was vacant on one occasion I had an
+application from a young clergyman who sent me a sermon on Baptism,
+which he had preached in his last parish, thinking that I should like to
+see what his doctrine was. However, his opinion on every controverted
+point was studiously concealed. I have, nevertheless, preserved one
+passage, the doctrine of which is interesting. It ran as follows: "In
+the East baptism was frequently practised by immersion, but in a cold
+climate like ours, where we apply water only to the face and hands, such
+a practice would be injurious to the health."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A very shy, nervous curate of mine had to take the service alone here
+one Sunday morning soon after his ordination. There were banns of
+marriage for two couples to give out, the first being for the third time
+of asking, and the second for the first. After reading out the four
+names he paused, turned very red, and astounded the congregation by
+adding, "The first are last and the last first."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>When the house, in which a curate of mine lodged, changed hands, the new
+landlady agreed to pay the old one &pound;10 for the curate. He complained to
+us that, having been paid for, he could not leave, however uncomfortable
+he might be. Shortly afterwards the new landlady told him that she had
+not paid the &pound;10 and could not do so, so he paid it for her, thus paying
+his own valuation!</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A neighbour of mine, a clergyman, who had a great dislike of
+discouraging little children, was one day examining a class, and asked
+how many sons Noah had. "Four," a little girl answered. "Ah! yes," he
+said, "perhaps, but one died young." He next asked what their names
+were. "Adam," suggested a small child. "Yes, my child," he said, "that
+would doubtless be the one that died young."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An Irish curate in Oswestry quoted in his sermon "the deaf adder that
+stoppeth her ears," and, being suddenly struck with the physical
+difficulties of the process, he paused a moment, and then proceeded.
+"How does she stop her ears? I suppose, my friends, she must clap one
+ear on the ground and stick her tail in the other." Curiously enough I
+see that Brunetto Latini, in his "Booke of Beastes," relates this as a
+fact in natural history. Latini was contemporary with Dante, and a
+great naturalist, but of the inventive sort.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The following story will be recognised by many, in spite of the
+absence of names. When we were children it was one of our
+greatest treats to be taken to see the clergyman in question,
+who was very kind to us and used to ask us to play drums and
+other instruments in his quaint sitting-room. The occasions of
+his visits to our house were also much looked forward to, as he
+was sure to do something original. He once came to a dinner
+party and brought two or three musical-boxes which he set off,
+all playing different tunes at the same time, during dinner.
+This is the story that occurs in the notebook:</p></div>
+
+<p>The first time that Archdeacon Wickham visited this deanery as
+archdeacon I drove him to a parsonage where the incumbent insisted upon
+his inspecting everything. In the garden is a little pond, and over this
+pond we beheld a strange erection of posts and planks, with a sort of
+saddle-like seat on the top. On the Archdeacon asking the incumbent
+what it was, he explained with great delight that it was a capital
+contrivance by which you could take exercise and make yourself useful by
+pumping water up to the church, where he had just been building a
+transept. So, saying that he would show us, he clambered up, sat down on
+the saddle smiling, and began to work the treadles eagerly.
+Unfortunately, however, the work at the church having been just
+finished, the pipe which had conveyed the water to the workmen had been
+cut off just above the surface of the water. The consequence was that he
+immediately produced a jet of water which shot straight upwards and
+almost lifted him off his seat, entirely upsetting the archidiaconal
+gravity. As we returned to the house the incumbent begged the Archdeacon
+to go into the back yard and smell the pump, which, he said, stank
+horribly. The Archdeacon protested that he had no authority over pumps,
+but he would take no denial, and when he got into the backyard he said,
+"Now, Mr. Archdeacon, if you will put your nose to the spout, I will
+pump." The Archdeacon was, however, quite equal to the occasion, and
+said, "No, I depute the Rural Dean to put his nose to the spout, and I
+will receive his report, and, if needed, pronounce an ecclesiastical
+censure."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Bishop Walsham How's love of botany took him frequently into the
+wilder and more mountainous parts of the neighbourhood, and in
+the course of these expeditions he made friends with the
+gentleman, since dead, of whom he tells the following story:</p></div>
+
+<p>The Vicar of the little parish of Criggion, under the Breidden hills,
+asked me once to come there for a certain All Saints' Day, when he was
+going to have a meeting of choirs. I could not go, but seeing him a
+little while afterwards, I asked him how the choral festival had gone
+off. "Oh! very well," he said. "And how many choirs had you?" I asked
+"Oh, well, only two," he said; "L&mdash;&mdash;'s from over the hill and my own."
+"And how many voices had you?" I next asked. "You should not be so
+inquisitive," he said, "but to tell the truth, there were only his
+Buttons and my own little maid!"</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Before he went to Whittington, he had some experience of another
+quaint character among Shropshire clergymen, as is related in
+the following passage taken from the notebook:</p></div>
+
+<p>Mr. C&mdash;&mdash; was curate of a parish near Shrewsbury when I was curate of
+Holy Cross and St. Giles' in that town. He was very eccentric in all his
+ways. Among other peculiarities he, though very High Church in views,
+adopted a very secular style of dress. Archdeacon Allen undertook on one
+occasion to speak to him on the subject, and at a Visitation very kindly
+and pleasantly remarked that his dress was not quite what was usual on
+such occasions. Whereupon Mr. C&mdash;&mdash;, taking hold of the Archdeacon's
+coat, said, "Well, Mr. Archdeacon, you know <i>this</i> is not quite the
+correct thing: I believe it is an old coat made to do!" The Archdeacon
+could not resist a good laugh, and acknowledged that he was quite right
+in his supposition.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>One day my good fellow curate, the Rev. F. P. Johnson, was walking along
+the road when he saw Mr. C&mdash;&mdash; approaching, a gaunt figure with long
+strides, in a striped waistcoat and blue muffetees, intoning at the top
+of his voice the prayer for the Queen's most excellent Majesty. He
+slackened pace, finished the prayer, duly sang the Amen, and then shook
+hands with a hearty "How do you do, old fellow?" On Johnson expressing
+astonishment at the performance, he said he was only saying Matins as in
+duty bound, and, since his rector would not have it in church and he had
+no time in his lodgings in Shrewsbury, he always said it as he came back
+from visiting the school in the morning. "If you had been a minute or
+two sooner," he added, "you would just have come in for the anthem. You
+know 'in choirs and places where they sing, here followeth the anthem.'"
+"And what anthem did you have to-day?" asked Johnson. "Oh," he replied,
+"I always have the same, for I only know one. When I come to that place
+I always sing 'God save the Queen.'"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Another time Mr. C&mdash;&mdash; was spending a day with Mr. Peake, then curate of
+Ellesmere. At noon he went up to his room, and Mr. Peake heard him
+whistling very strangely on one note. He went up, knocked at his door,
+and asked him what he was doing. "Oh nothing," said Mr. C&mdash;&mdash;. "But what
+are you whistling in that queer way for?" said Mr. Peake. "Oh, well, if
+you must know," he answered, "I was saying my prayers." "Saying your
+prayers!" said Mr. Peake, "why, you were whistling!" "Yes, I know," said
+Mr. C&mdash;&mdash;; "the fact is your maid was cleaning your room next to mine,
+and I thought she would think it odd perhaps if I intoned my sexts, as I
+generally do, so I thought I would whistle them to-day."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Several stories occur in connection with Oswestry, which was the
+market town for Whittington.</p></div>
+
+<p>Extract from a sermon preached by a curate of Oswestry upon the scene
+between St. Paul and St. Peter at Antioch. The words were taken down at
+the time [N.B.&mdash;<i>Hibernice legendum</i>]: "So Paul seized the banner of the
+Gospel out of the hands of poor, weak, compromising Peter, and waved it
+in a flood of light and liberty over the head of the Galatian Church."</p>
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Again:</p></div>
+
+<p>A certain Calvinistic curate of Oswestry met a neighbour who had
+unhappily seceded to Rome, and thus described the interview to his
+vicar. "I met &mdash;&mdash; yesterday, and said to him, 'Not a day of my life
+passes that I do not pray for you.' And what do you think he said? Why,
+'And not a day of <i>my</i> life passes that I do not pray for <i>you</i>.' The
+impudence of the fellow!"</p>
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Here is another:</p></div>
+
+<p>A certain clergyman of this diocese, risen from the ranks, was preaching
+at Trinity Church, Oswestry, and found in the course of the service that
+he had forgotten his pocket-handkerchief. As he felt he should require
+one during the sermon, the weather being very warm, he asked a lady in a
+pew close to the pulpit, as he went up, to lend him hers, which he duly
+returned as he went down again!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Whittington being on the borders of Wales, Dissent was
+extremely prevalent, and the Church's action towards Dissenters
+was a burning subject. Hence the following story:</p></div>
+
+<p>At a clerical meeting soon after I came into these parts the subject
+discussed was, "How to treat Dissenters." After most of those present
+had spoken, a neighbouring rector said, "I make it a principle never to
+speak to Dissenters about religious matters. But I have a very good
+garden with a southern slope, and I send them baskets of early
+vegetables, and by this means I have brought several over to the
+Church."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Next come two stories from the same neighbourhood of Oswestry,
+but of a more unclerical nature:</p></div>
+
+<p>A relation of Sir Watkin Wynn was one day hunting with those hounds when
+his horse stumbled in a lane and fell with him. Whereupon Simpson, at
+that time Sir Watkin's second horseman, jumped off to help him, and
+thinking him dangerously hurt tried to comfort him with a text of
+Scripture, saying, "Ah, sir! naked we came out of our mother's womb and
+naked we shall return thither!"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Dr. B&mdash;&mdash;, of Oswestry, has three horses which he has named "High
+Church," "Low Church," and "Broad Church." The reason he gives is that
+the first is always on his knees, the second never, and as for the third
+you never know what he will do next.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>This last story leads on naturally to a number of good things on
+the subject of Ritualism. A High Churchman was practically an
+unknown quantity in those parts when Bishop Walsham How first
+went to be Rector of Whittington in 1851. The smallest
+innovation or improvement in a service, such as are generally
+accepted nowadays in Evangelical Churches, raised a storm of
+protest, and the ignorance displayed by newspapers as well as by
+private individuals is almost past belief in these days when we
+have been satiated with articles and correspondence on "advanced
+practices." For instance:</p></div>
+
+<p>A Wellington paper, commenting severely on the supposed ritualistic
+practices at Welsh Hampton, spoke of the Vicar as "practising the most
+unblushing celibacy."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The same paper describing an evening service at St. Mary's, Shrewsbury,
+spoke of the vicar as walking in procession with his curate from the
+vestry and then entering the desk and beginning the evening service,
+"or, as, borrowing the language of these gentlemen, we ought more
+correctly to say, evening matins."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A short time ago the Reverend James Hook, Vicar of Morton, was coming to
+see me by train. There were several women in the carriage, and one of
+them began to talk to the others about Whittington, asking them if they
+knew what shocking things were done in the church there. She then said
+she once went into Whittington Church and saw the host on the altar.
+There were great exclamations of horror, when Mr. Hook quietly looked up
+from his paper and said, "I beg your pardon, what did you see?" "The
+host on the altar, sir," she said. "Oh, and what was it like?" She
+hesitated and said she could not exactly describe it. He told her not to
+mind about being very exact, but would she tell him what sort of a thing
+it was? She then said she did not notice very carefully. So he then said
+he would tell her what it meant, and having done so, he told her how
+wicked it was to invent such stories. She was then frightened, and said
+with some alarm, "Well, sir, I am certain I saw two rows of candlesticks
+down the two sides of the church."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An advertisement copied from the <i>Liverpool Courier</i>, January 1874.
+[<i>N.B.</i>&mdash;This refers to a prosecution of Mr. Parnell, of St. Margaret's,
+for ritualistic practices.] "Parnell Prosecution.&mdash;A gentleman who
+intends subscribing &pound;10 to the St. Margaret's Defence Fund is desirous
+to pair with gentleman about to subscribe the same sum towards the
+prosecution, in order to save the pockets of both. Address C. I.,
+<i>Courier</i> Office."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A clergyman going into a very advanced church could not make out what
+they were doing, and said he tried various parts of the Prayer-book in
+vain, and at last bethought him of "Prayers for those at sea." But this,
+too, failed, so he gave up trying.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A clergyman going to see a parish offered him, was shown it by a farmer
+churchwarden, who in the course of conversation said, "Are there many
+Puseyites, sir, where you come from?" He answered, "Not many; are there
+many here?" Farmer: "There used to be, but they are getting scarce now."
+"How do you account for that?" Farmer: "Well, sir, the boys have taken
+the eggs." This curious reason was explained when it turned out that the
+farmer meant "peewits."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A lady friend of mine the other day wrote to say that their clergyman
+was accused of ritualistic tendencies. She could not herself discover
+them, but she said he certainly had something on the back of his neck
+which to her looked like a button, but which she was credibly informed
+was really the thin end of the wedge.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>As may be supposed a large number of the stories in Bishop
+Walsham How's note-book refer to curious incidents and awkward
+situations during divine service. The following are a selection
+of anecdotes of this class, and are in almost every case
+authentic.</p></div>
+
+<p>My grandfather, the Reverend Peter How, was Rector of Workington, in
+Cumberland, where there was (and is untouched to this day, 1878!) a
+large "three-decker" clerk's desk, reading-desk, and pulpit, one on top
+of the other, blocking up the centre of the church and, of course, all
+facing west. My grandfather was reading the prayers one Sunday, when his
+large black dog came into church and found him out, so he opened the
+door, to which is attached a small flight of steps, and the dog came in
+and lay down under the seat, unseen by the congregation, who were deeply
+ensconced in the high square pews, and at last was forgotten by his
+master. In due time the latter went to the vestry, put on his black
+gown, and ascended the pulpit, when, soon after beginning his sermon, he
+became aware that the people were all convulsed with laughter, and
+looking down over the pulpit cushion he saw his dog with its hind legs
+on the seat and its forefeet on the cushion of the reading-desk gravely
+regarding the congregation.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Another story of the Bishop's grandfather follows:</p></div>
+
+<p>My grandfather was once baptizing a small collier boy of three or four
+years old at Workington. Other children having been first baptized, he
+proceeded to baptize this boy also, but when he put the water on his
+forehead the boy turned upon him fiercely, saying, "What did you do that
+for, ye great black dog? I did nothing to you!"</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Workington was also the scene of an awkward situation in which,
+when a very young man, the Bishop found himself.</p></div>
+
+<p>When I was a deacon, and naturally shy, I was visiting my aunts in
+Workington, where my grandfather had been Rector, and was asked to
+preach on Sunday evening in St. John's, a wretched modern church&mdash;a
+plain oblong with galleries, and a pulpit like a very tall wineglass,
+with a very narrow little straight staircase leading up to it, in the
+middle of the east part of the church. When the hymn before the sermon
+was given out I went as usual to the vestry to put on the black gown.
+Not knowing that the clergyman generally stayed there till the end of
+the hymn, I emerged as soon as I had thus vested myself and walked to
+the pulpit and ascended the stairs. When nearly at the summit, to my
+horror I discovered a very fat beadle in the pulpit lighting the
+candles. We could not possibly pass on the stairs, and the eyes of the
+whole congregation were upon me. It would be ignominious to retreat. So
+after a few minutes' reflection I saw my way out of the difficulty,
+which I overcame by a very simple mechanical contrivance. I entered the
+pulpit, which exactly fitted the beadle and myself, and then face to
+face we executed a rotatory movement to the extent of a semi-circle,
+when the beadle finding himself next the door of the pulpit was enabled
+to descend, and I remained master of the situation.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>When curate at Kidderminster, I had on one occasion to baptize nine
+children at once. The ninth was a boy of nearly two years of age, and
+was taken up and put into my arms. This he stoutly resisted, beginning
+immediately to kick with all his might. His clothes being very loose
+and very short, he very soon kicked himself all but out of them, but I
+had got him fast by his clothes and his head, and was repeating the
+words of reception into the Church with as much gravity as I could
+command, when his mother, possessing a strong maternal appreciation of
+the fair proportions of her lively offspring and a relatively weak
+appreciation of the solemnity of the occasion, remarked aloud to me,
+with a gratified smile, "He's a nice little lump, sir, isn't he?"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Earl of Powis, among his many acts of generous kindness, has given
+substantial aid to the Rev. C. F. Lowder's very poor district of St.
+Peter's, London Docks. He went to the laying of the stone of the church
+there, and just as the ceremony was about to begin a bottle was handed
+by some one to Mr. Lowder. He could not make it out, and consulted Lord
+Powis, who at last ingeniously suggested that, as it looked like oil, it
+was probably intended for the anointing of the stone. So they agreed to
+pour it quietly on the stone then and there. The smell that arose was
+dreadful, but the service began, and very few had noticed the bottle.
+In the evening an old woman, a former parishioner, came up to Mr.
+Lowder, and asked after his rheumatism, and said she hoped he got the
+bottle. On his saying, "Oh, yes, it reached me quite safely," she
+explained that it was a wonderful cure for rheumatism, which she had
+manufactured herself.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>If an ingenious way was on this occasion found out of a
+difficulty, what about the next?</p></div>
+
+<p>When Archbishop Longley was Bishop of Durham, he was one day obliged to
+absent himself from the prayers in his chapel, and asked an old
+clergyman who happened to be there to read the prayers. It happened that
+the first lesson was Judges <span class="smcap">V.</span>, and in reading verse 17 the poor old
+clergyman, mindful of the presence of Mrs. and the Miss Longleys,
+modestly altered the last word and read, "Asher continued on the
+sea-shore, and abode in his garments." This was told me by a daughter of
+Archbishop Longley.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A former vicar of Newbiggin received a message one Sunday morning from
+a neighbouring clergyman, who had been taken ill, to ask if he could
+provide for his duty. So he sent to his curate (my brother-in-law) to
+tell him he should not be at church that morning, ordered his carriage,
+and put an old sermon, which he had no time to look at, in his pocket.
+When he began to preach he soon found out that the sermon was one which
+he had preached on bidding farewell to his first curacy. For a page or
+two he tried to omit the more pointed allusions to the occasion of its
+previous use (which must have been many years before), but, to quote his
+own account, "I soon found that wouldn't do, as it was all about it, so
+I spoke boldly of the close of my twelve years' ministry among them, and
+I do assure you, sir, I left many of the congregation in tears."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>A somewhat similar story comes a little later in the book, but
+must be placed here:</p></div>
+
+<p>A shy, nervous clergyman near Bradford was about to help a friend by
+reading the prayers when a message came to say that a neighbouring
+incumbent was taken ill and to ask for help. The rector could not go, so
+the friend had to be sent, but, having no sermon with him, he borrowed
+one from the rector, who wrote a clear good hand. He selected one well
+written, of which the subject was "the value of time," and meant to read
+it over on the way, but eventually did not like to do so as he sat
+beside a servant who drove him over. So it happened that he had to read
+it for the first time in the pulpit. He got on very well till he came to
+a sentence saying that, as the parish possessed no church clock, it was
+his intention to present one. He was too nervous to omit the sentence,
+and (I was assured at Bradford) did actually present the promised clock,
+which cost &pound;70.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Here is another authentic sermon story:</p></div>
+
+<p>While an undergraduate at Oxford I went with some friends to hear a
+somewhat noted Evangelical preacher preach for the Church Missionary
+Society at St. Peter's Church. He was exceedingly affected and
+bombastic, and, having tickled us undergraduates a good deal by his
+manner, at last produced a complete explosion by involving himself in a
+hopeless difficulty by a metaphor after this fashion: "When I
+contemplate the great human family I am often reminded of some mighty
+river. See how it draws its tribute of many waters from many a distant
+land, many a mountain range, and many a wide moor-land, sending their
+ever-growing streams to swell the noble river as it pursues its way down
+the valley, till all these various tributaries converging into one great
+volume, it pours its glorious flood into the bosom of the boundless
+ocean! Such, my brethren, is the race of man." Here the preacher paused,
+and it was quite obvious to every one that he saw that his metaphor was
+just the wrong way up! So he coughed and hemmed, and changed the
+subject.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>At Uffington, near Shrewsbury, during the incumbency of the Rev. J.
+Hopkins, the choir and organist, having been dissatisfied with some
+arrangement, determined not to take part in the service. So when the
+clerk, according to the usual custom of those days, gave out the hymn,
+there was dead silence. This lasted a little while, and then the clerk,
+unable to bear it, rose up and appealed to the congregation, saying most
+imploringly, "Them as <i>can</i> sing <i>do</i> ye sing: it's misery to be a
+this'n" (Shropshire for "in this way").</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Canon B&mdash;&mdash; was on a voyage to Egypt in a Cunard steamer, and on Sunday,
+in the Bay of Biscay, he undertook to hold a service. He read one of the
+sentences, and said "Dearly beloved brethren, the Scripture moveth us in
+sundry places," when he had to bolt and collapse. He told me he thought
+this a record service for brevity.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>At St. Saviour's, Hoxton, the daily prayer is held in the south chancel
+aisle. The Vicar, the Rev. John Oakley, having to go out, left the
+evening service at 8.30 to a curate, but, returning home at 8.50,
+thought he would step in to the west end of the church and be in time
+for the end of the service. When he went in, to his dismay he saw a few
+women kneeling in the accustomed place but no clergyman. Concluding that
+the curate had forgotten, he rapidly passed up the north aisle to the
+vestry, slipped on a surplice, went across to the south side and read
+the service. He afterwards found that the curate had already done so,
+but, being in a hurry, had somewhat shortened it, and had left the
+church a minute before he (Mr. O.) arrived. The good women who always
+knelt some time at the close of the service thus did double duty that
+evening.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>At Kensington parish church one of the curates asked for the prayers of
+the congregation for "a family crossing the Atlantic, and other sick
+persons."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>At Wolstanton in the Potteries there was a somewhat fussy verger called
+Oakes. On one occasion just at the time of year when it was doubtful
+whether lights would be wanted or no, and when they had not yet been
+lighted for evening service, a stranger, who was a very smart young
+clergyman, was reading the lessons and had some difficulty in seeing. He
+had on a pair of delicate lavender kid gloves. The verger, perceiving
+his difficulty, went to the vestry, got two candles, lighted them, and
+walked to the lectern, before which he stood solemnly holding the
+candles (without candlesticks) in his hands. This was sufficiently
+trying to the congregation, but suddenly some one rattled the latch of
+the west door, when Oakes, feeling that it was absolutely necessary to
+go and see what was the matter, thrust the two candles into the poor
+young clergyman's delicately gloved hands, and left him!</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A clergyman in a church in Lancashire gave out as his text, "The devil
+as a roaring lion goeth about seeking whom he may devour," and then
+added, "The Bishop of Manchester has announced his intention of visiting
+all the parishes in the diocese, and hopes to visit this parish on such
+a date."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A former young curate of Stoke being very anxious to do things
+rubrically, insisted on the ring being put on the "fourth finger" at a
+wedding he took. The woman resisted and said, "I would rather die than
+be married on my little finger." The curate said, "But the rubric says
+so," whereupon the <i>deus ex machin&acirc;</i> appeared in the shape of the parish
+clerk, who stepped forward and said, "In these cases, sir, the thoomb
+counts as a digit."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The rector of Thornhill near Dewsbury, on one occasion could not get the
+woman to say, "obey," in the marriage service, and he repeated the word
+with a strong stress on each syllable, saying, "You must say, <i>O-bey</i>."
+Whereupon the man interfered and said, "Never mind; go on, parson. I'll
+mak' her say 'O' by-and-by."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>At the church of Strathfieldsaye, where the Duke of Wellington was a
+regular attendant, a stranger was preaching, and the verger when he
+ended came up the stairs, opened the pulpit door a little way, slammed
+it to, and then opened it wide for the preacher to go out. He asked in
+the vestry why he had shut the door again while opening it, and the
+verger said, "We always do that sir, to wake the duke."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Mr. Ibbetson, of St. Michael's, Walthamstow, was marrying a couple when
+the ring was found to be too tight. A voice from behind exclaimed, "Suck
+your finger, you fool."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Two or three stories about vergers naturally find a place here.
+Possibly some of them are well known, but, even so, they will
+bear repetition.</p></div>
+
+<p>A gentleman going to see a ritualistic church in London was walking
+into the chancel when an official stepped forward and said, "You mustn't
+go in there." "Why not?" said the gentleman. "I'm put here to stop you,"
+said the man. "Oh! I see," said the gentleman, "you're what they call
+the <i>rude</i> screen, aren't you?"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A clergyman in the diocese of Wakefield told me that when he first came
+to the parish he found things in a very neglected state, and among other
+changes he introduced an early celebration of the Holy Communion. An old
+clerk collected the offertory, and when he brought it up to the
+clergyman he said, "There's eight on 'em, but two 'asn't paid."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A verger was showing a lady over a church when she asked him if the
+vicar was a married man. "No, ma'am," he answered, "he's a chalybeate."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A verger showing a large church to a stranger, pointed out another man
+and said, "That is the other verger." The gentleman said, "I did not
+know there were two of you," and the verger replied, "Oh yes, sir, he
+werges up one side of the church and I werges up the other."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Two little stories connected with Bishop Walsham How's episcopal
+life may well conclude the anecdotes about vergers. The Bishop's
+dislike of ostentation was well known. He caused much amusement
+on one occasion when living in London, by frustrating the
+designs of a pompous verger. It had been this man's custom to
+meet the Bishop at the door of the church, and precede him up
+the centre aisle <i>en route</i> for the vestry, thus making a little
+extra procession of his own. One day the Bishop, after handing
+this verger his bag, let him go on his way up the centre of the
+church, and himself slipped off up a side aisle, and gained the
+vestry unobserved, while the verger marched up in a solemn
+procession of <i>one</i>!</p>
+
+<p>The other story occurs in the note-book, and runs as follows:</p></div>
+
+<p>On my first visit to Almondbury to preach, the verger came to me in the
+vestry, and said, "A've put a platform in t' pulpit for ye; you'll
+excuse me, but a little man looks as if he was in a toob." (N.B. To
+prevent undue inferences I am five feet nine inches in height.)</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Bishop Walsham How's love of children was well known, and it is
+not surprising to find a large number of stories about them in
+his note-book. These stories are mainly of two kinds, those
+relating to answers made in Sunday school, &amp;c., and those of a
+more general nature.</p>
+
+<p>Some examples of the latter follow, but it must be borne in mind
+that these stories have, many of them, become well known owing
+to the Bishop's fondness of telling them. If he was not able to
+enjoy children's society, the next best thing was to talk about
+them.</p></div>
+
+<p>A very little girl, when taken to church, always knelt down reverently
+to say a short prayer when she went in. Her mother, not having taught
+her any prayer to say at that time, asked her to tell her what she said.
+The child answered that she always prayed that there might be no Litany.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A little boy had a German nursery governess, and told her he thought she
+ought to learn Hebrew. On her saying she didn't see the use of that, he
+explained that it was that she might say her prayers properly, for he
+was sure God knew Hebrew, but he didn't think He could be expected to
+understand German.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A child being taken to the seaside for the first time, was asked how she
+liked it, and in answer said it was very beautiful, but she didn't see
+"all the tinnimies," an expectation due to her private version of the
+Fourth Commandment.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>I recollect, when a child, being exceedingly interested and affected by
+a story which used to be read to me from a small periodical&mdash;I think it
+was called the <i>Magazine for the Young</i>&mdash;about two boys who went to
+school. Their names were Master Cruelty and Master Innocent Sweetlove,
+the former taking with him to school a bow and arrow, and the latter a
+dove in a cage and a lute. The natural result followed, Master Cruelty
+shooting Master Innocent Sweetlove's dove, and the latter thereupon
+taking his lute into the churchyard, and, seated on a tombstone,
+solacing his grief with mournful music. This seemed to me very
+beautiful!</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>One of the children of the Vicar of St. Peter's, Eaton Square, told his
+father he thought some of the things they collected for in church were
+very silly. He could not think why they should have a collection for the
+Bishop of London's fun.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Archdeacon Denison told me that his brother, when a boy, among many bits
+of mischief did the following: His father was very fond of pictures, and
+had one of the death of Isaac in which the patriarch appeared lying on a
+couch in a splendid crimson damask tent supported by four Corinthian
+pillars, with a beautiful white damask table-cloth spread on the table
+before him. Through the tent door you saw Esau running after a stag
+while Jacob was bringing in the savoury meat. The offender one day
+carefully painted on the corner of the table-cloth "Isaac 6."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A boy being asked whether he always said his prayers, said, "Yes, always
+at night." He was then asked, "And why not in the morning?" To which he
+answered, "Because a strong boy of nine, like me, ought to be able to
+take care of himself in the daytime."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Two little boys, grandchildren of a former vicar of Great Yarmouth, were
+looking at some pictures in a copy of "Bunyan's Holy War," and found one
+of the devil chained. One of them asked his mother whether the devil was
+chained, and, being told "no," asked whether he ever would be. To this
+she answered, "Yes, some day." The boy replied, "When he is, need we say
+our prayers?"</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Bishop had a niece who is head-mistress of the Godolphin
+High School at Salisbury, and the following story was told him
+by her.</p></div>
+
+<p>A child at the school asked if there were any saints now. The mistress
+replied that she hoped there were many, on which the child said, "Then,
+I suppose they've left off wearing those hats," by which she meant the
+<i>nimbus</i>.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The next story is told of a little great-niece of the Bishop
+called Molly.</p></div>
+
+<p>Little Molly, aged four, after saying her prayers one evening to her
+aunt, remarked, "There's no one to make you say your prayers as you make
+me." "No," her aunt said, "we don't want any one to make us, for we like
+saying our prayers." "Do you?" said Molly, "Then I wish you'd ask God
+not to let my goloshes fall off so often."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A little girl unused to surpliced choirs, on seeing such a choir enter
+the church, whispered in dismay to her mother, "They're not <i>all</i> going
+to preach, are they?"</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Bishop was chairman of the Committee of the Society for
+providing Homes for Waifs and Strays, and in connection with
+this work told the following story:</p></div>
+
+<p>Some children kept some hens, and were allowed to sell the eggs for the
+"Waifs and Strays." One Sunday morning they brought nine eggs in to
+their father and mother, and said, "We did give it out to the hens that
+there would be a collection to-day."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The annual children's parties which the Bishop delighted to
+give were great events, and the following incident which
+occurred at one of them must find a place here:</p></div>
+
+<p>At a children's party given by me shortly after the death of Archbishop
+Thompson we had a Punch and Judy to amuse the children. The man who
+showed it came up to my son before the performance and said that he had
+heard that I had been at the Archbishop's funeral, and perhaps I should
+prefer his leaving out the coffin scene!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Here are some odd notions about the unseen world which were
+developed in the brains of some of the Bishop's little friends:</p></div>
+
+<p>Little Rupert B&mdash;&mdash;, aged just three, one day when it was raining, said
+to his father that he did not think heaven could be a nice place to live
+in. "Why not?" asked his father. "Because," he answered, "the floor is
+all full of holes and lets the water through." Before he was three a
+little baby sister was born, and he was taken into his mother's room to
+see her. "Where did it come from?" he asked. His mother said, "God sent
+it us." "Then," said Rupert, "I suppose it is a sort of an angel." His
+mother explained that it was only a baby. "Hasn't it got any wings?" he
+asked, and on being told "No," added, "Hasn't it got any feathers at
+all?"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A little boy, hearing the hymn read which says,</p>
+
+<p>
+"Satan trembles when he sees<br />
+The feeblest saint upon his knees,"<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>asked, "Why does Satan let the saint sit on his knees if it makes him
+tremble?"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A little girl who had been taking raspberries in the garden was talked
+to by her mother, and told to resist the temptation. She afterwards
+appeared with evident signs of having been again among the raspberries,
+and, when her mother asked her how it was that she had not resisted the
+temptation, she said that when she was looking at the raspberries she
+did say "Get thee behind me, Satan," and he got behind her and pushed
+her in.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A very little girl was asked, "Who made you?" She answered very
+reverently, "God," and then, looking shocked, whispered, "Nurse says He
+made me naked."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>On my visit to Illingworth to consecrate a new chancel in 1889, the
+churchwarden gave a luncheon party, and his little boy, aged nine, told
+my chaplain that he wanted to go to church to be confirmed. The chaplain
+told him it was not a confirmation but a consecration, whereupon the
+small boy said he didn't care which it was so long as he was done.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A little cousin of mine when very small was asked who was the first man,
+to which he promptly answered "Adam." He was next asked who was the
+first woman, when he thought a little, and then hesitatingly suggested
+"Madam."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Bishop Knight Bruce's little boy accounted for the number of fleas in
+South Africa by saying, "God made lots and lots of people, so you see He
+<i>had</i> to make lots and lots of fleas."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A little girl, known to Mr. Edward Clifford, hearing much of the praise
+of stylishness, once prayed, "O Lord, make me stylish."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>When the Bishop was rector of Whittington he was a most
+diligent teacher in the village school, going there from nine to
+ten almost every morning. He was also for some years a diocesan
+inspector of schools. He was, therefore, keenly alive to the
+numberless mistakes and misapprehensions of children, and
+recorded in his note-book a large number of absurd answers which
+he either heard himself or of which he was told by friends. A
+selection of these is given here.</p></div>
+
+<p>In examining the schools of the deanery of Oswestry I once visited
+Selattyn school, and set four questions for the senior class to answer
+in writing. They were, (1) "What do you know about Tarsus?" (2) "Why did
+St. Paul go to Damascus?" (3) "What is the meaning of Asia in the New
+Testament?" (4) "What happened at Lystra?" The following is a copy of
+one paper sent in:</p>
+
+<p>John Jones, 12 last birthday, a teacher in Selattyn. Tarsus was a man
+which could not walked from his mother womb and he used to go to the
+temple every day and St. Paul heal him St. Paul said to tartus I say
+unto thee arise so Tarsus sat up and leap and walked.</p>
+
+<p>St. Paul went to Damascus to preach to the Gentiles. Asia means the
+place where they ended when they started from Antiock to Asia.</p>
+
+<p>It happened at Lystra that the two seas met and the soldiers cut the
+ropes.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Vicar of King Cross, Halifax, asked a class of boys what was the
+difference between a priest and a deacon, and one boy said the deacon
+only wore that thing over one shoulder. The Vicar asked why he did so,
+and after some hesitation another boy answered, "Because he hasn't put
+both shoulders to the wheel."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>At Almondbury in 1897 a class of boys were asked the meaning of an
+Archangel, and one boy suggested "One of the angels that came out of the
+Ark."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Rev. T. F. Dale, when in India teaching in his school, asked the
+boys what is the meaning of faith. A European boy answered, "When you
+believe something you are quite sure isn't true."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A lady was explaining to a class the passage "Not with eye-service as
+men-pleasers," and asked the children if they knew what eye-service
+meant. One girl suggested, "service in 'igh families."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Mr. B&mdash;&mdash; of Stamford, in a Teachers' Meeting, urged his Sunday School
+teachers not to take it for granted that their scholars knew the meaning
+of words, and illustrated his caution by the word "Epiphany," telling
+them that they should always explain that it meant "manifestation."
+Shortly afterwards the diocesan inspector was examining the day school
+and accidentally asked what "Epiphany" meant. One little girl said, "A
+railway porter, sir." The inspector asking what made her think that. She
+said her teacher had told her it meant the "man at the station."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A lady being anxious to teach a new little kitchen-maid something of the
+Bible, rightly thought she must find out what she knew. So she asked her
+if she knew about our Lord, and she said "No." So she thought she must
+begin at the very beginning, and told the girl she would read to her
+about God making the world. The girl sat perfectly stolid and
+unintelligent till they came to the serpent tempting Eve, when she
+suddenly exclaimed, "I remember summat about that snike." This was her
+<i>summa theologi&aelig;</i>.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A child in a school was asked what he knew about Solomon, and said, "He
+was very fond of animals." Being asked what made him think so, he said,
+"Because he had three hundred porcupines."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Here is a very up-to-date little story: did it happen in
+Leicester?</p></div>
+
+<p>Teacher: "Why did they hide Moses in the bulrushes?"</p>
+
+<p>Answer: "Because they didn't want him to be vaccinated."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>My cousin, Mr. G. F. King, teaching a class of little London boys one
+Sunday, was questioning them about the parable of the Good Samaritan,
+and asked them what it was that the man "fell among." He tried to get
+them to remember by saying that it was a dangerous road to travel along,
+when one little boy held up his hand. My cousin said, "Well, what did he
+fall among?" and the little boy replied, "Buses."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>An anachronism:</p></div>
+
+<p>The Duke of York lately visited Leeds, and there were large crowds in
+the streets. Shortly afterwards one of the clergy was questioning some
+little children about the birth of our Lord, and asked, "How came there
+to be so many people at Bethlehem at that time?" One of the children
+replied, "Please, sir, the Duke of York was there."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>At Denbigh a girl at Howell's school was reading St. Matt. v. 41 to the
+rector of Henllan, and gave it thus: "And whosoever shall compel thee to
+go a mile, go with him by train."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Mr. Castley, curate of Marsden, questioning the children in the school
+as to the history of St. Stephen, asked what it was of which he was
+accused before the Council. A boy replied, "Looking after the widows."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>When the diocesan inspector was examining the Cathedral Schools,
+Wakefield, in 1895, he asked the children what Moses said when God told
+him to go and speak to Pharaoh. One child answered, "Our Aaron would do
+it better."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The next story was an experience of the Bishop's own when he
+was rector of Whittington:</p></div>
+
+<p>I once set a class of girls in our school to write the life of Solomon.
+When I looked over the exercises I found one girl began, "Solomon slept
+with his fathers," and went on after that with his history. On
+questioning her I found she thought it meant that Solomon when a child
+slept in his father's bed.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Another girl at the same time brought me a new and wonderful judgment of
+Solomon in the following words: "The Queen of Sheba was as wise a woman
+as Solomon was a man. She brought a hundred children, fifty boys and
+fifty girls, to Solomon, all dressed the same, to see if he could tell
+which was which. So Solomon commanded water to be brought and bade them
+wash; whereupon the girls washed up to their elbows, but the boys only
+washed up to their wrists. So Solomon knew which was boys and which was
+girls."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The headmaster of the Wakefield Grammar School in an examination-paper
+on general knowledge asked, "Who was John Wesley?" One boy answered as
+follows: "John Wesley invented Methodist chapels, and afterwards became
+Duke of Wellington."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>My daughter was teaching a class of boys at Upper Clapton just before
+the boat race, when she saw one of the boys tear a page out of his
+Bible, crumple it up, and throw it away. She said, "What are you doing?"
+to which the boy replied quite demurely, "I'm for Oxford, and this Bible
+was printed at Cambridge, and I'm not going to use a Bible with
+Cambridge in it."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Vicar of St. Augustine's, South Hackney, turned a boy out of his
+class one Sunday for misbehaviour. Next Sunday the boy appeared again in
+his class, when the vicar said, "Wasn't it you I put out last Sunday?"
+The boy at once replied, "No, sir, I think it was the gas."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A boy in an examination, being asked to give an account of the Sadducees
+and Publicans, wrote, "The Sadducees did not believe in spirits, but the
+Publicans <i>did</i>."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Here follows another story which, in common with the last two or
+three, was noted by the Bishop during the time of his
+suffragan-episcopate for East London.</p></div>
+
+<p>The diocesan inspector was examining a very young class in the St. Mary
+Axe Ward School, and asked, "What became of Adam and Eve when they were
+turned out of the Garden of Eden?" To which a little girl answered,
+"They went to the workhouse, sir."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>In a school examination the question was set, "Explain the meaning of a
+Bishop, Priest, and Deacon." One boy answered, "I never saw a Bishop, so
+I don't know. A Priest is a man in the Old Testament. A Deacon is a
+thing you pile up on the top of a hill, and set fire to it."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A boy, being asked for the derivation of Pontifex, said, "It is derived
+from <i>pons</i> a bridge, and means the Chief Priest, just as we say
+<i>Arch</i>bishop."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Some children in an Irish school were asked the meaning of "He that
+exalteth himself shall be abased," when one of them replied, "Turned
+into horses or cows."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A Confirmation having been held in a Yorkshire village, some children
+were seen very busy in the road making a church with mud. A passer-by
+asked them where the bishop was, and they said they hadn't got mook
+enough to mak' a beeshop.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A boy in Christ Church, Albany Street, School when asked, "What are the
+Ember weeks?" answered, "The weeks when we pray for the young gentlemen
+who are afraid of not passing their examination."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Prizes have for several years been offered for the best essays by
+children on subjects set the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
+Animals. In 1893, in answer to the question, "What passages in Holy
+Scripture bear upon cruelty to animals?" one boy said, "Cruel people
+often cut dogs' tails and ears, but the Bible says, 'Those whom God hath
+joined together, let no man put asunder.'" Another boy, in reply to the
+question, "Why should you be kind to animals?" said, "If you are very
+kind to a dog he will follow you to the grave at your funeral."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The next two stories are not of exactly the same nature, but so
+closely relate to the subject of children and schools that they
+may be fittingly inserted here.</p></div>
+
+<p>I met an officer once who was relating his experiences of Sunday School
+teaching. He said he met an old schoolfellow one day who was a
+clergyman, and who persuaded him to spend a Sunday with him. In the
+morning his friend told him that he must come and take a class of boys
+in the Sunday School. This he protested he could not, and would not, do,
+but was finally over-persuaded, his friend lending him a commentary, and
+telling him he had only to keep the class quiet, as he would his own
+men, hear them read a chapter, and ask them a few questions which he
+would find in the notes of the commentary. "All went well," he said,
+"till we had read the chapter through, when I tried to find the
+questions. I managed to ask one or two, which I found they answered in a
+moment, so in my despair I thought I would take them into the Old
+Testament, and now I was more lucky, for I asked them, 'Boys, who was
+Mephistopheles?' Well, would you believe it, there wasn't a boy of them
+that knew! And wasn't I glad! I didn't know anything about him myself,
+you know, except that he was one of the old patriarchs, but it got me
+out of this trouble, for, though the time wasn't half up, I closed the
+Bible with a bang and exclaimed, 'Boys! I can teach you no more. Go home
+and search the Scriptures!'"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A clergyman living at Rainbow Hill, Worcester, in visiting his parish,
+called on the mother of one of the girls in the Church School, who,
+being rather "superior," told him she thought a parish school was not
+quite suited to Florrie, and, as she was rather delicate, she had
+decided to take her away and send her to a young ladies' cemetery.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Besides the mistakes made by children, the Bishop not
+unnaturally collected a number of curious answers made in
+examination papers by older people. The candidates for
+ordination in the Wakefield diocese supplied some of these, and
+others he was told by his brother-bishops. Some of these stories
+were told in the "Memoir of Bishop Walsham How," and others may
+be well known, but they form an important part of the Bishop's
+note-book, and must not be omitted here.</p>
+
+<p>The following are answers made in writing by different
+candidates for ordination:</p></div>
+
+<p>A number of words were given for explanation, and among them was
+"cherub." One man wrote, "A cherub is an infant angel, who died before
+baptism, and will undoubtedly be saved."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Another question was, "How may St. Paul's Epistles be grouped?" One
+answer was, "St. Paul's Epistles may be divided into two groups, those
+he wrote before his conversion and those he wrote after."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Another candidate rather surprised the examiner by stating that "in the
+early Church, before a person was baptized, he was obliged to learn a
+catechumen."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Another, to the question "Who were the Ophites?" gave the interesting
+answer that "the Ophites were people who walked by sight and not by
+faith, the word being derived from the Greek word for to see."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>In the Ripon diocese an ordination candidate, in answer to the question,
+"What religious sects have been founded during the last two centuries?"
+gave a list which included "the Ecclesiastical Commissioners."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An ordination candidate, being asked in a paper on doctrine to write out
+the Nicene Creed, wrote (with a magnificent grasp of faith), "I believe
+in all things visible and invisible."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Vice-President of the Liverpool Philomathic Society vouches for the
+story that, in answer to the question "Define a parable," an examinee
+wrote, "A parable is a heavenly story with no earthly meaning."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A young man having attended some University Extension lectures on
+physiology, remarked to his clergyman how much light they threw on many
+things. "For instance," he said, "I never understood one of the Collects
+in the Prayer-book, which speaks of 'both our hearts,' before. But I see
+now that it refers to the right and the left ventricle."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Here is another physiological story:</p></div>
+
+<p>The late Canon Lyttelton, of Gloucester, when rector of Hagley, was fond
+of scientific teaching, and formed a class in his school for physiology.
+After a few lectures he received a letter from the mother of one of his
+pupils, saying, "Reverend sir, Please not to teach our Susan anything
+more about her inside; it makes her so proud."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>In a paper on practical subjects one of the questions asked what rules
+for almsgiving could be recommended. One of the candidates advised a
+plan he had seen of having about six boxes in the house, and sending
+them round at meals for various charities according to the viands on the
+table. Thus, when the fish was served the box for the Deep Sea Fisheries
+would be sent round, and when pineapples were being eaten that for the
+S.P.G.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>In answer to the question, "What is a churchwarden?" one of the
+Battersea College students wrote, "A churchwarden is a godly layman, who
+appropriates the money of the offertory, and acts as a check upon the
+extravagance of the parochial clergy."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A friend of mine, when taking missions in Australia, met a clergyman in
+Victoria who had an old Sunday-school teacher, a man who had taught for
+thirty years, and who asked him one day whether infant baptism was not
+invented by Philo at the Council of Trent.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Warden of University College, Durham, asks the young men of the
+College to breakfast occasionally. One day, when a few of them were at
+his table, the following conversation took place: Warden to student,
+"Have you ever read the Apocrypha?" Student to Warden, "Not all, sir."
+Warden, "How much have you read?" Student, "Oh, not much, sir." Warden,
+"Have you read the Maccabees?" Student, "No, sir." Warden, "Or Esdras?"
+Student, "No, sir." Warden, "Or Wisdom?" Student, "No, sir." Warden,
+"Well, have you read Bell and the Dragon?" Student, "Oh yes, sir, I've
+read part of that." Warden, "How much?" Student, "Three chapters, I
+think." Warden, "Then you've read more than any of us, for there is
+only one chapter." Poor student!</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>In one of the examination papers I set as examining chaplain to Bishop
+Selwyn of Lichfield, it being Michaelmas, I asked the candidates to give
+an outline of a sermon upon the text, "Are they not all ministering
+spirits?" One man wrote as follows: "I should consider this a good text
+for a sermon for the Additional Curates' Society or the Church Pastoral
+Aid. I should begin by describing in what our ministrations consist, and
+should speak of the privilege of being called to minister to others. I
+should then go on to speak of the heirs of salvation to whom we
+minister, and I should conclude with an earnest appeal to the
+congregation to provide funds for the sending forth of more such
+ministering spirits."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A candidate for ordination was asked what he knew of St. Bartholomew,
+and wrote, "He was almost, if not quite, identical with Nathanael."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Bishop Bickersteth of Ripon had occasion to reject a conceited young
+deacon who was a candidate for priest's orders, and when the bishop
+told him of his failure, he said, "I suppose, my Lord, you know that
+Ambrose was made a bishop, though only a deacon." "Yes," the bishop
+replied, "and I quite think that if ever <i>you</i> are made a bishop it will
+be direct from the diaconate."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Archdeacon Bather, who was a great educationist, went into his parish
+school one day where there was an old and not highly educated master,
+who was giving an oral lesson on the English language, in which, he said
+to his class, there are many words pronounced the same, but spelt quite
+different. "Now," he said, "there's the word 'har.' There's the har you
+breathe, and the har of your head, and the har that runs in the fields,
+and the har to an estate, all spelt quite different, but all pronounced
+the same."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Bishop of Brisbane, when he was in England before his consecration,
+was examining in one of the Oxford Local examinations. He set the
+candidates to write out the Fourth Commandment. One wrote, "Six days
+shall thy neighbour do all that thou hast to do, and the seventh day
+thou shalt do no manner of work."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>A number of stories in the Bishop's note-book are connected with
+Scotland and Ireland. Both of these countries were resorted to
+from time to time by him for purposes of the annual fishing
+holiday, and it is not too much to say that he made many friends
+in each among the ghillies and others who accompanied him on his
+various excursions on loch and riverside. Great was the
+amusement of two Highland boatmen, who many years ago were
+rowing him on a Sutherlandshire loch, when during an hour when
+the fish were very "stiff," he sang them, "Hame cam our gude mon
+at e'en," an old Scotch ballad by Wilson. The Irish boatmen, he
+used to think, were more melancholy, and he expressed his
+surprise at the character for rollicking fun which is often
+given them in books. At the same time he now and then drew out a
+real witticism, and more than once he notes with delight a real
+Irish "bull." Here are some of the stories, not all gleaned from
+the actual countries, but all referring to persons of these two
+nationalities:</p></div>
+
+<p>An Irish clergyman, a neighbour of mine, thought it his duty to speak to
+a lady who had unhappily lost her faith in Christianity, and after a few
+arguments he ended by saying, "Well, you will go to hell, you know, and
+I shall be very sorry indeed to see you there."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A well-known Irish judge in the Insolvent Court once detected a witness
+kissing his thumb instead of the Book in taking the oath, and in
+rebuking him sternly said, "You may think to deceive God, sir, but you
+won't deceive <i>me</i>."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Reverend G. B&mdash;&mdash;, of Bridgenorth, told me that on a recent visit to
+Ireland he heard a preacher conclude his sermon with these words: "My
+brethren, let not this world rob you of a peace which it can neither
+give nor take away."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>At the conclusion of the Irish Church Disestablishment in the House of
+Commons an enthusiastic Irish member got up and thanked God that at last
+the bridge was broken down which had so long separated Catholics and
+Protestants in Ireland.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An Englishman was driving through a beautiful glen in county Wicklow,
+and asked the driver the name of the valley, to which he replied, "Sure,
+and it's the divil's glen, yer honour." A little further on the stranger
+again asked, and the driver said, "Sure, and it's still the divil's
+glen, yer honour." They afterwards drove through another valley, and the
+stranger said, "And pray what do you call this?" "It's the divil's
+kitchen, yer honour," was the reply. The stranger then remarked, "He
+seems to have a good deal of property in these parts." "Indade, yer
+honour, he has," said the driver, "but he's mostly an absentee, and
+lives in London."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An Irish professor created a laugh, when called upon to speak at the
+Birmingham Church Congress, by beginning, with a rich brogue, "Before I
+begin to speak, let me say&mdash;&mdash;" No one heard any more of the sentence.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>At Bishop Lonsdale's first Ordination at his palace at Eccleshall there
+were a large number of young men, and at dinner a young Irish deacon
+called out from the other end of the table to the Bishop, "Me Lord, do
+you happen to have read my sermon on Justification by Faith?" "No," said
+the Bishop, "I don't happen to have met with it; but surely, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;,
+you have chosen rather a difficult subject." "Not at all, me Lord," the
+young deacon called out, "and when you've read my sermon you'll find no
+difficulty in the subject at all!"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A former Dean (an Irishman) in one of his sermons, speaking, as he often
+did, disparagingly of the Fathers of the early Church, said, "As for
+unanimity, there was no unanimity in any one of them." In another sermon
+the same dignitary spoke about "Standing on the seashore and watching
+the ever-receding horizon." Again, in another he urged his hearers to
+"take their immovable stand on the onward path of progress."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An Irishman of a certain church in Shrewsbury spoke one day of "the
+narrow way in which there was only room for one to walk abreast."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A certain clergyman, who was preaching a sermon on behalf of a new
+burial ground in a large parish, spoke of the sad condition of a
+population of thirty thousand souls living without Christian burial.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>I was driving in a car from Glengariff to Killarney with a friend, and,
+on starting, a ragged boy on an old white horse rode by our side joking
+with the driver. My friend spoke to the boy, and said, "Are you the
+boots at the inn at Glengariff?" To which the boy answered instantly
+with a grin, "Did yer honour pay the boots? For, if you didn't, I am."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>This ready reply is matched by the following story which again
+shows the readiness to seize an opportunity of personal
+advantage.</p></div>
+
+<p>Bishop Wigram of Rochester insisted on his clergy shaving, and when his
+successor, Bishop Claughton, came to confirm in Oswestry he sat at
+luncheon opposite to an Irish curate who had a large beard. The bishop,
+as a joke, looked across the table and said, "You know, Mr.&mdash;&mdash;, if you
+came into my diocese you would have to shave off your beard." To which
+came the instant reply, "Me Lord, I accept the condition!"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>At a Retreat which I conducted in 1894 one of the services was given out
+to be held a quarter of an hour earlier than on the printed time-table.
+An elderly clergyman had not heard this and came in at the printed hour,
+and found us singing a hymn. He found a seat and then whispered to his
+neighbour with a strong brogue, "Is this the end of the last service, or
+the beginning of the next?"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>I once heard an Irish clergyman preaching at Barmouth, in recounting the
+mercies for which we ought to be thankful, speak of "deliverance from
+savage wild beasts and noxious insects of the night."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>An instance of an Irish bull, which was of so natural a kind
+that it might have been made by any one, occurred when the
+Bishop and some of his sons were waiting at Athenry Station. Two
+farmers were overheard talking, and one said, "Will you be going
+by the first train to-morrow" To which came the reply, "There's
+no first train from here at all!"</p>
+
+<p>There are in the note-book a large number of entries under the
+heading of "Taurology," but most of the stories are already well
+known. One or two only need be quoted.</p></div>
+
+<p>Two sisters whom I knew, Miss B&mdash;&mdash;s, received a letter from a brother
+in Australia, and one read it aloud to the other and then began reading
+it to herself. The other said, "You might let me have a look at it,"
+whereupon the first cried out, "I call that selfish: didn't I read it
+all aloud to you before I'd seen a word of it meself?"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>I asked a Mr. B&mdash;&mdash; whom I met in July 1896 whether he was any relation
+to another Mr. B&mdash;&mdash;, a friend of mine, to which he replied, "No: I have
+no relations of my own. My father was the last of his race."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An Irish footman brought for his master to put on two boots for the same
+foot. He was sent to rectify the mistake, but returned with the same two
+boots, saying, "Indeed, yer honour, it wasn't my fault, the other pair's
+just the same."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The difference between Scotch and Irish character comes out
+clearly in these stories. Connected as they almost all are with
+matters ecclesiastical, it is not strange to find the strong
+Presbyterian dislike to Anglican ceremonial cropping up in the
+following stories about Scotsmen. But, apart from this, the wit
+is of a drier kind, and the sayings of a far more sanctimonious
+character. Here is one about an old forester with whom the
+Bishop made friends during several of his holidays. This man was
+invited by a certain duke, whose retainer he was, to pay a visit
+to his English seat. On the Sunday he was taken to church, and
+he said afterwards that when the choir came in he thought it was
+some daughters of the duke and other girls dressed up, and
+thought it all perfectly disgraceful and making a mock of
+religion. When the organ played they had to hold him to prevent
+his going out. "It was," he said, "sic a terrible noise." Other
+stories follow in the Bishop's own words:</p></div>
+
+<p>The Duchess of B&mdash;&mdash; had an old Presbyterian nurse, who was once
+persuaded to attend the beautiful church they had built. The Duchess
+afterwards asked her if it was not very beautiful, and she said, "Oh
+yes, very." "And the singing," said the Duchess, "was not that lovely?"
+"Yes, your Grace," she said, "it was lovely; but it's an awfu' way of
+spending the Sabbath."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A Scotch lady and her gardener used to worship together, not agreeing
+with any form of Church doctrine. A friend remonstrated with her and
+asked, "Do you really think you and your gardener are the only two real
+members of the true Church on earth?" To which she replied, "Weel, I'm
+nae sae sure o' John."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A Scotch minister from a large town once visited and preached in a rural
+parish, and was asked to pray for rain. He did so, and the rain came in
+floods and destroyed some of the crops; whereupon one elder remarked to
+another, "This comes o' entrusting sic a request to a meenister who isna
+acquentit wi' agriculture."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Bishop Wilberforce used to tell a story of a Scotch minister who always
+regulated his grace before meat by the prospect before him. If he saw a
+sumptuous table he began, "Bountiful Jehovah," but if the fare was less
+tempting he began, "Lord, we are not worthy of the least of Thy
+mercies."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Archbishop Tait when in Scotland had to sign the receipt for a
+registered letter before the postman, who, when he heard it was the
+Archbishop, looked at him and remarked, "Weel, I must say you look
+rather consequential about the legs."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>One of the Bishop's sons was fond of sketching, and on one
+occasion brought back a story which the Bishop delighted in
+telling. This son and an artist friend arranged to go on a
+sketching expedition to the west coast of Scotland, and on
+arriving there the latter went to interview the minister of the
+little village which was to be their headquarters. In the course
+of conversation he asked the minister whether, if they attended
+his ministrations in the morning, he would be greatly
+scandalised if they did a little sketching on the Sunday
+afternoon, to which the good man replied, "Well, your business
+is to paint pictures and mine is to preach and pray. I preach
+and pray on the Sabbath, you paint pictures on other days. If
+you saw me preaching and praying on other days you would raise
+no objection, so I shall raise none if you paint pictures on the
+Sabbath." It was a curious argument, and probably it would be
+difficult to find another minister in all Scotland who would
+agree with him.</p>
+
+<p>A number of stories relating to sermons have already been given,
+but a large part of the Bishop's notebook which relates to them
+has not yet been touched. There are some sermons given almost
+<i>in extenso</i>, and to these it is only possible to refer briefly.
+The longest report of a sermon is of one that was printed after
+it had been delivered by an old gentleman who married his cook
+and thought that it was necessary to justify his action to his
+parishioners. He described his bride as "one of plebeian birth
+and the superintendent of my establishment." He based his
+explanation on the fact that he himself was of such
+extraordinarily high birth that, in order to make his hearers
+comprehend how utterly incapable he was of appreciating the
+little social distinctions which existed in that parish he would
+tell them that he could no more appreciate such distinctions
+than, standing upon a mountain, he could judge of the heights,
+as compared with each other, of the mole-hills lying scattered
+around its base. Where, therefore, was he to a find a woman, and
+moreover a woman willing to take charge of a gouty old gentleman
+like himself, whose birth in comparison with his own was not
+plebeian? In the matter of his wife's little peculiarities of
+pronunciation, &amp;c., he would just remind any satirists that
+their tenements were constructed of a material certainly not
+iron, and that to such persons the throwing of stones was a
+proverbially dangerous practice. He announced in conclusion that
+all these things were of small importance, as he and his wife
+had resolved to lead a life of almost absolute seclusion,
+devoting themselves entirely to her improvement, to the duties
+of their station, and to the preparation of their souls for
+heaven.</p>
+
+<p>Another long extract is given from a sermon preached at
+Llanymawddy. The original is said to be in the British Museum,
+and the copy made by Dr. Griffith of Merthyn. The sermon is
+headed "A funeral sermon for a dead body," and is a wonderful
+example of "English as she is spoke" by the Welshman. It begins
+with these words: "Good people of Llanymawddy. My dearly beloved
+brethren, we are met together here to-day for a great preachment
+for a dead body, the body of good Squire Thomas, the squire of
+our parish. We did all love him, though he has scolded us
+shocking, &amp;c."</p>
+
+<p>The preacher went on to say that he knew the words of his text
+in three languages, "The Latin tongue which is the language of
+all learned people: I do know them in the English language&mdash;it
+is the language of all genteel people. I do know them in the
+Welsh language of course&mdash;it is the language of all vulgar
+people."</p>
+
+<p>Much of the sermon is given up to a description of Adam and Eve,
+the latter being described as "the beautifullest of all women,
+but she was a very peculiar woman. She wanted to know everything
+she ought not to know." The Garden of Eden is thus portrayed:
+"The garden of Squire Thomas was nothing to it: it would take
+twenty thousand of Squire Thomas' to make such a garden."</p>
+
+<p>It is altogether a most wonderful discourse, and it would be
+well worth anyone's while to hunt it up in the British Museum,
+if the original is really to be found there.</p>
+
+<p>Then there is an extract from a sermon preached by an Irish
+bishop, which, says Bishop Walsham How, "I heard described by
+one of his clergy who heard it." The point of the sermon was an
+illustration of the joy over the one repentant sinner by the joy
+in a household over the baby which had been ill and had
+recovered. The curious part of the story lies in the fact that
+at every mention of the baby the preacher dandled his hands up
+and down as if he were holding it. The constant repetition of
+this must have been trying to the gravity.</p>
+
+<p>A few more "sermon-notes" may find a place here just as they
+were jotted down by the Bishop.</p></div>
+
+<p>A certain preacher, after describing all sorts of evil, exclaimed, "And
+all this in the so-called nineteenth century!"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A working man refused to go to church because (he said) the parson could
+tell him nothing in a sermon he didn't know. However, a friend persuaded
+him to go, and asked him afterwards if he had learnt nothing. "Well,
+yes," he said, "I did learn one thing. I learnt as Sodom and Gomorrha
+was two places. I always thought they was man and wife."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>It is said that Dean Goulbourn while preaching on the intermixture of
+evil with good in the Church, said, "Remember, there was a Ham in the
+Ark"&mdash;then, thinking it might sound odd, corrected himself and added, "I
+mean a human Ham."</p>
+
+
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h2>CONCERNING BISHOPS.</h2>
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>As might be expected, a very large number of stories in the
+Bishop's note-book concern Episcopal dignitaries either past or
+present. It is unfortunate that some of the very best are told
+of bishops who are still alive, and, although there is not an
+ill-natured word on any single page, yet it might not be
+advisable to publish these anecdotes, lest this little volume
+should be open to the charge of want of respect for those in
+high places.</p>
+
+<p>How often a story is told of, say Bishop Wilberforce, and at its
+conclusion the narrator says, "Or perhaps it was Bishop Magee,"
+entirely forgetting the wide difference between these witty
+prelates, and spoiling the story by his uncertainty. It will be
+noticed that some of the better-known stories which are given
+below have Bishop Walsham How's own evidence of their origin,
+and it is possible that in some cases their publication may be
+useful as clearing up all doubts as to their source. For
+instance, he knew well both Bishop Wilberforce and Bishop
+Magee, and for the stories about them he frequently vouches.</p></div>
+
+<p>The Bishop of Winchester (Wilberforce) is renowned for his wit. I was
+one day dining in his company. He was to the right of the lady of the
+house, Canon G&mdash;&mdash; to her left, and I next to him. Canon G&mdash;&mdash; was
+talking to the bishop across the lady of the house about a very old man,
+and observed that he was losing his faculties very fast, his senses of
+taste and smell being so completely gone that some naughty boys in his
+house, knowing that he always had a lightly boiled egg for breakfast,
+blew it one morning and filled it with castor oil, and he never found
+out. The bishop looked up with one of his merry twinkles and simply
+said, "Never?"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>On another occasion at a dinner party a young man was talking rather
+foolishly about Darwin and his books, speaking very contemptuously of
+them, and he said to the bishop, "My Lord, have you read Darwin's last
+book on the Descent of Man?" "Yes, I have," said the bishop; whereupon
+the young man continued, "What nonsense it is talking of our being
+descended from apes! Besides, I can't see the use of such stuff. I
+can't see what difference it would make to me if my grandfather was an
+ape." "No," the bishop replied, "I don't see that it would; but it must
+have made an amazing difference to your grandmother!" The young man had
+no more to say. I could quote many more witty sayings of the bishop, but
+they would give no idea of the real humour with which they were spoken,
+so much depending on the bishop's inimitable manner and tone of voice.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Bishop Wilberforce, in one of his instructions upon preaching, gave
+descriptions of what were <i>not</i> sermons, before proceeding to describe
+what <i>was</i> a sermon. One of his sentences was this: "A few texts
+floating here and there in the feeble waste of your own turbid
+fancies&mdash;<i>that's</i> not a sermon."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The same bishop, after preaching a very eloquent charity sermon, was
+going from the pulpit to the altar when an enthusiastic lady, too much
+moved to wait for the offertory plate, put a half-sovereign into his
+hand, saying, "I <i>must</i> give my mite," to which he replied, looking at
+the coin, "I thought there were two of them."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A great friend of Bishop Wilberforce told me of a little bit of
+cleverness of his which is worth recording. He was telling a story of an
+Italian Marchesa, in which she made a clever repartee in French. The
+bishop was known not to be very perfect in French, and my informant said
+he awaited his enunciation of the French remark with some anxiety. But
+he need not have been anxious, for the bishop discounted any
+shortcomings by saying, "Then the Marchesa said&mdash;(you know her French
+was not very perfect)&mdash;&mdash;" and so made the quotation.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Of Archbishop Magee the following stories are recorded by the
+Bishop:</p></div>
+
+<p>I was with Bishop Magee in a railway carriage once, and he had the
+<i>Church Times</i> and the <i>Rock</i> on his knees. Before the train started a
+newspaper boy held up a copy of <i>Church Bells</i> to him, and he looked up
+and said, "What's that? Oh, <i>Church Bells</i>. That's moderate, isn't it?
+No, thank you; I like to read the extremes and do the moderation for
+myself."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The same bishop at a dinner party had some soup spilt over his coat by a
+clumsy servant, and exclaimed, "Is there any layman who would kindly
+express my feelings in suitable language?"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Bishop Magee at a City dinner was sitting next to some one who had to
+propose the health of Alderman Pigeon, of whom he knew very little. He
+asked the bishop what he could say about him: "Oh," was the reply, "say
+you hope he will some day find himself in a mayor's nest."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Here is a story which is frequently quoted, and is inserted here
+for the sake of the guarantee of authenticity:</p></div>
+
+<p>The Bishop of Peterborough (Magee), being plagued to go and open all
+sorts of things&mdash;churches, schools, bazaars, &amp;c.&mdash;exclaimed one day, "I
+do believe very soon there will not be a young curate in the diocese who
+has bought a new umbrella, who will not apply to the bishop to come and
+open it." (Said to the Bishop of Leicester, who told me.)</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Bishop Magee, walking one day with the Bishop of Hereford by the Wye,
+said to him, "If you will give me your river I will give you my see."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Bishop of Peterborough, being pressed to give a certain man a
+living, said, "If it rained livings I would offer Mr. &mdash;&mdash; (after a
+pause) an umbrella." (This was said by the bishop in the Athen&aelig;um to a
+friend of mine, who told me.)</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A lady who was a great admirer of a certain preacher took Bishop Magee
+with her to hear him, and asked him afterwards what he thought of the
+sermon. "It was very long," the bishop said. "Yes," said the lady, "but
+there was a saint in the pulpit." "And a martyr in the pew," rejoined
+the bishop.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Lastly, there is a touching little story of his self-estimation:</p></div>
+
+<p>The Bishop of Peterborough (Magee), speaking of Bishop Harold Browne,
+said he owed him a grudge, "for he's got all my sweetness of disposition
+as well as his own."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The remaining stories about bishops fall under two heads&mdash;first,
+those which are told definitely of some particular bishop;
+secondly, those which are told of "a bishop," and to which too
+much credit need not necessarily be given.</p>
+
+<p>Under the first heading come the following:</p></div>
+
+<p>A certain bishop [the name is given] on his marriage determined to go
+abroad, and he and his bride spent the first night at Folkestone,
+meaning to cross next day to Boulogne. There was a great crowd on the
+platform in the morning, and the bishop asked his wife to wait in a
+certain spot while he went and saw to the luggage. He made some mistake
+and could not find her, and, supposing she had gone on board, went to
+look for her, when the vessel started and he was carried off to
+Boulogne. His wife had to return ignominiously to the hotel, where she
+received great commiseration from the landlady. The lady was quite sure
+some accident had happened to her husband, and a messenger was sent to
+see, and when he returned the landlady came in with a very grave face,
+and said, "I am sorry to say, ma'am, there's been <i>no</i> accident. But he
+didn't look like a gentleman to do such a thing." Of course he returned
+by the next steamer.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Bishop Selwyn of Lichfield was once asked how he came to give his
+theological college men such an ugly hood&mdash;black and yellow like a wasp.
+"Oh," he said, "I wanted to distinguish them from St. Bees' men."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>It was said of Bishop Christopher Wordsworth of Lincoln that one half of
+him was in heaven and the other half in the seventeenth century.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>When Dr. Moberly, Bishop of Salisbury, was old and infirm, he went with
+a friend to visit Old Sarum, and, as he was toiling up with the help of
+his friend, the latter remarked, "It's hard work getting up Old Sarum,"
+to which the bishop replied, "It's harder work getting old Sarum up!"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A certain suffragan bishop was mobbed one day in a low part of London by
+costers, who told him they couldn't have him wear such a hat and dress.
+He told them he was a poor orphan with neither father nor mother to look
+after him and see to his clothes; so they let him go, saying, "We can't
+chaff you, governor."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A witty bishop of the present day, being pressed to go to many parishes
+for Confirmation, said that the final clause of the Baptismal Service
+wanted altering, and should be worded, "Ye are to take care that the
+bishop be brought to this child to confirm him," &amp;c.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>When Bishop Stanley first went to Norwich he went up the tower of the
+Cathedral, and, hearing some jackdaws twittering in a hole in the wall,
+and being very fond of birds, he put his hand in and drew out three
+young jackdaws, which he took down in his pocket and put in the garden.
+The next morning he could not find them, and, while looking round the
+garden, heard, just outside, some boys making a noise. One was crying,
+"Who stole Jim Crow's cadges?" (This is the local name for jackdaws.) So
+he ran out and caught the boys, and found out the culprit, whom he had
+up before the magistrates, and was going to have punished, when the
+boy's father asked if he might ask a question, and, leave being given,
+asked, "Can you tell me, sir, who the Cathedral belongs to?" "To the
+dean," was the answer. "Then," said the man, "who stole the dean's
+cadges?" This ended the matter, and the boy was dismissed.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Bishop Short (of St. Asaph) was much annoyed by his clergy seeking
+promotion. One day he visited a certain parish with Archdeacon Wickham,
+where the clergyman, as he knew, thought he ought to be promoted to a
+better living. This clergyman pointed to his house and school, which he
+had rebuilt, and said, "I think, my Lord, I have done pretty well in
+this parish in building the parsonage and school." "Yes," said the
+bishop, "indeed you have, and may you long live to enjoy the sight of
+your labours."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>When preparations were being made for the funeral of a former bishop of
+Lichfield, a newly made archdeacon, who had held preferment in the Black
+Country, was giving directions to the secretary in the cathedral. The
+senior verger was standing by with some others. The archdeacon said to
+the secretary, "You had better send post cards to the prebendaries
+stating the exact hour," whereupon the verger turned to a gentleman
+standing by and said, "Post cards to prebendaries! Well, if them's his
+Black Country manners the sooner he goes back there the better!"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Bishop Pepys (of Worcester), who was a stout old man, was walking near
+Hartlebury one day when the omnibus for Worcester passed, and the driver
+was beating the horses most unmercifully. The bishop called out to him
+that if he went on in that way he would have him up. The man told him to
+hold his noise or he would give him the same. The bishop followed the
+omnibus into the village and found it standing at the inn door, so he
+called out the landlady and asked the name of the driver. She said she
+did not know as he was a stranger, the regular driver being ill. So the
+bishop walked on, and entered the drive up to the castle. Meantime the
+landlady went to the driver and asked him what he had been doing, as the
+bishop had been asking his name. "What," he said, "was that the bishop?
+Why, I said I would lay into him next! Which way did he go?" So off he
+ran, whip in hand, to beg the bishop's pardon. In a short time the
+bishop heard steps following, looked round, saw the driver running
+after him, and, remembering the man's threat, took to his heels and ran
+as hard as he could towards the house. At last to his relief he heard
+the man panting and puffing behind him cry out, "Oh, my Lord! I hope
+you'll forgive me, my Lord!" So he pulled up and recovered his breath
+and his dignity as best he could.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>When the Act of Uniformity Amendment Act (Shortened Services Act) was
+passed, a very short service was held in Westminster Abbey at 7.45 <span class="smcap">A.M.</span>
+to last only fifteen minutes, partly for the sake of the masters at the
+school. Lord Hatherly always attended this service, but, although
+perhaps the busiest man in England, did not like the abbreviations. The
+new lectionary had lately come into use, and Lord Hatherly told the
+Bishop of Lichfield (Selwyn) as they came out of the Abbey one morning
+that he had discovered the true merits of the new lectionary. He said
+that, the lessons beginning so often in the middle of a chapter, he
+found that it took the reader so long to find his place that he (Lord
+H.) had time to finish the Psalms (of which only a portion was used) to
+himself. [In connection with the above story it may be noted that
+Bishop Walsham How was at one time examining chaplain to Bishop Selwyn,
+and may probably have been told it by him.]</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>I happened to be in London just at the time when the Diocese of St.
+Alban's was created, and when Bishop Claughton, then Bishop of
+Rochester, had his choice between Rochester and St. Alban's, but had not
+decided which to be. I went to dine with Canon Erskine Clarke and met
+there old Mr. Philip Cazenove, who took me in his carriage to a
+reception at Bishop Woodford's. Mr. Cazenove knew both his Bible and his
+Horace thoroughly. Almost the first person we met at the reception was
+Bishop Claughton, and Mr. Cazenove shook him by the hand saying, "How do
+you do, my Lord, sive tu mavis Rochester vocari sive St. Alban's." The
+bishop, a First in Classics, was delighted. [It may be noted that Bishop
+Walsham How had been curate to Bishop Claughton at Kidderminster, and a
+close friend all his life.]</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Miss Jacobson told me that her father, the Bishop of Chester, was once
+talking with a foreign ecclesiastic who had a great admiration for Dr.
+Pusey, whom he spoke of as <i>ce cher Pussy</i>.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A gushing young lady was visiting Bishop Philpotts at Torquay, and,
+standing at a window at Bishop's Court, she exclaimed, "How beautiful!
+It's just like Switzerland!" "Yes," said the bishop, "just like
+Switzerland, except that here there are no mountains, and there no sea."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Bishop of Bangor (Campbell) told me that when a former dean was
+quite in his dotage he had got it into his head that the bishop was
+dead. So he went and called upon him. The old dean was very courteous,
+asking after his health and his daughter's, seeming to have quite
+forgotten his delusion, when suddenly he seemed struck with the thought
+that he was losing an opportunity and exclaimed, "Oh, by the way, you
+are sure to be able to tell me who your successor is."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The late Bishop Hills one Monday morning was standing talking to Mr.
+Pearson, the Vicar of Darlington, when a Mr. Maughan (pronounced Morn)
+came up and handed the bishop some sovereigns, saying, "There, my Lord,
+is our yesterday's collection for your fund." At once Mr. Pearson bowed
+and said, "Hail, smiling morn, that tips the hills with gold!"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A former bishop of Nottingham was a large, fine man with a good deal of
+dignity of manner. He one night found a burglar in his house, seized
+him, threw him down, and, having managed to ring the bell, sat upon him
+till help came. While so doing he asked the man if he knew who was
+sitting upon him. The burglar said "No." "I am the Bishop of
+Nottingham," said the bishop, whereupon (as the bishop told it) the
+burglar used an expression not complimentary to bishops.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Bishop Temple of London is a very powerful man, and when he first
+preached in Spitalfields Church some of the policemen came to hear him.
+The rector, Mr. Billing, afterwards asked one of them what he thought of
+the new bishop. "Well, sir," said the man, "I think it would take two of
+us to run him in."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A former bishop of Exeter in old days was noted for saying severe and
+sarcastic things in the blandest tones. Once when sitting with a friend
+in an arbour in his garden he saw a party of strangers coolly walking
+round his garden. He mentioned to his friend that he was frequently
+annoyed by these unwarrantable intrusions, saying he would speak very
+sharply to these people when they came past. As they reached the place
+the bishop to their great dismay stepped out and confronted them. They
+were profuse in their apologies, saying they knew his kindness and hoped
+they were not intruding, "Oh, no," said his Lordship, "pray make it your
+own: I will only ask one little favour: I should be greatly obliged if
+you would not go through the house to-day, as a lady is seriously ill
+there."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Apropos of this story it is worth recording that when Bishop
+Walsham How moved into the new house which was built for him at
+Wakefield a footpath which ran straight through the middle of
+the garden had to be diverted. The legal time for closing the
+old footpath had not arrived when the bishop first went to live
+in the house, and he was much beset by inquisitive people
+wandering about the whole place. There is a flower border round
+the house, edged with a raised stone edging. This stonework was
+kept thoroughly worn and dirty opposite to each sitting-room
+window, owing to it being used by the unobtrusive Yorkshireman
+as a standing place from which he could look into the rooms. The
+edging was not more than a few feet from the windows, so the
+nuisance became very great.</p></div>
+
+<p>A bishop of Sodor and Man travelling on the continent found himself
+entered in the book of a French hotel as <i>l'&eacute;v&egrave;que du siphon et de
+l'homme</i>.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A story about suffragan bishops. Archbishop Tait's coachman, Wyatt, was
+driving a gentleman one day when the latter asked about the horses, the
+coachman saying, "We had a hard time of it some years ago knocking about
+to Confirmations and Consecrations all over the country, but since we've
+taken Mr. Parry into the business we've done better." (Mr. Parry was the
+suffragan bishop of Dover.)</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Bishop of Bedford (Billing) when rector of Spitalfields was once
+visiting a pickpocket who had been very ill, and on whom he thought he
+had made some impression. One day Mr. Billing saw he was getting better
+and said he hoped he would soon be able to get to work. "Oh, yes, sir,"
+said the man, "it's a good time of year coming on, just when one meets
+so many old gents coming home from dinner at night."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Finally, here are two or three stories to which no name is
+attached:</p></div>
+
+<p>An ambitious young curate once complained to his bishop that he had not
+sufficient scope for his energies, and would like a larger sphere of
+work. The bishop quietly remarked, "Would a hemisphere do?"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A bishop once stayed at a house where they put out for him a set of
+silver-mounted brushes. When he left, the brushes disappeared, and the
+master of the house waited some days thinking he should receive them
+back, but, not doing so, he wrote and inquired if they had got packed up
+by mistake with the bishop's things. He received a telegram next day
+saying, "Poor but honest; look in table-drawer."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A young lady sitting by a bishop-suffragan who was also an archdeacon,
+asked him if it was true that he was an archdeacon as well as a bishop,
+and when he said, "Yes," she said, "Is not that what they call
+pleurisy?"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A certain bishop of the old school had a well-known and invariable
+Confirmation charge, which began, "My dear young friends, we have been
+engaged in a very interesting, and (as I hold it to be) a perfectly
+unobjectionable ceremony."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A certain clergyman about to be married is said to have written to his
+bishop to ask if he could marry himself, as he wished the wedding to be
+very quiet, and did not want to trouble any other clergyman. The bishop
+is said to have replied that he could not give him permission to marry
+himself, but he thought he might allow him to bury himself if he wished
+and felt able.</p>
+
+
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h2>STORIES OF THE BISHOP'S OWN EXPERIENCES DURING HIS EPISCOPACY.</h2>
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>These are not very numerous, and occupy a comparatively small
+portion of the note-book. Some of them have already appeared in
+the "Life of Bishop Walsham How."</p></div>
+
+<p>I once visited the Bishop of Bath and Wells, and was going on afterwards
+for a week's fishing in Dorsetshire. It so happened that my portmanteau,
+in which were my dress-clothes, was locked, but a carpet-bag containing
+all my fishing things was not locked. When I went up to dress for dinner
+at the Palace I found that the butler had put out all my fishing clothes
+with wading stockings and wading boots for me to dress in for dinner.</p>
+
+
+<p>I received the following letter during the time that I was Bishop of
+Wakefield:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>May it please your Lordship,</p>
+
+<p>To inform me, my Lord, wether I have a legal right to a grave,
+or not, supposing my granfather of my mother's side, my
+Lordship, and the said granfather had no son, and my mother was
+the eldest daughter, and I am my mother's eldest child and only
+son, my Lordship, who would become in possession, of the said
+grave, my Lordship, supposing my father, loeses my mother, my
+Lordship, has he a legal right to bury my mother, in the said
+grave, if it is not left, in the aforesaid,&mdash;granfather's Will,
+my Lordship, hasn't the aforesaid granfather granson the Legal
+Right of the said Grave, my Lordship, has a Son-in-law, a Legal
+Right before a Granson, to the said Grave, my Lordship, has my
+sister a Legal Right, to have my Father, buryed in the said
+Grave, my Lordship, without the concent of her Brother, my
+Lordship, is that Grave invested with Vicar's Right's, so that
+no one can interfear with the said Grave, my Lordship, the said
+Grave has a Head Stone to it and there was a certain amount of
+Fee's to be paid, before, the said Vicar allows the said Stone
+to be put over the Grave, my Lordship, would not that Grave
+devolve and become Freehold Property, my Lordship, may it please
+your Grace to send me a reply</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 50%;">from yours truly</p>
+<p style="margin-left: 50%;">----</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>This letter is perfect sense, and was "translated" by the
+Bishop's legal secretary. Entire repunctuation will be found a
+great assistance to any one whose curiosity leads them to
+attempt to gather the meaning.</p></div>
+
+<p>I have had a complaint from a layman to say that his rector in a sermon
+recently preached explained the repetition of the Lord's Prayer in the
+Church service by saying as follows: "The prayer occurs three times in
+the morning service; one is for those who get to church in good time,
+the second one is for the late, the third one is for the very late." My
+correspondent did not think this profitable teaching.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A working man in East London being shown some photographs came to one of
+the Bishop of Bedford (myself), and the clergyman who was showing the
+photographs said, "That is the Bishop of Bedford, he is a total
+abstainer you know." The man paused a moment and then said, "Ah, there's
+reformed in all classes, no doubt."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A little girl at Eastbourne was at a church where I was preaching, and
+in a whisper in the middle of the sermon begged her mother to let her
+have a pair of sleeves like the bishop's.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An old woman, whom I confirmed lately in a Yorkshire parish, said to the
+clergyman's wife at the end of the service, "A turned sick three times,
+but a banged thro'."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>I sent a curate to look at a church I wanted him to take charge of, and
+he found a choirboy in the church who told him the Bishop had been there
+the Sunday before. "And what did you think of him?" said the curate. The
+boy replied, "A thought he'd a been a bigger mon."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>I have received a letter from a man complaining that, having been
+recommended to study "Daniel on the Book of Common Prayer," he had read
+the book of Daniel all through, and could find no mention of the
+Prayer-book in it.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Our forefathers seem to have had occasion for a curious instrument
+called a scratchback, which consisted of a small ivory hand screwed on
+to a long light handle. One of these is preserved as a curiosity at a
+country house in this diocese. My domestic chaplain, when he first
+called there, finding himself alone in the drawing-room, took up the
+instrument, and never having enjoyed the experience proceeded to put it
+down his back. At that moment the lady of the house entered, and my
+chaplain hastily withdrawing the machine found the handle had separated
+from the hand, which was left behind. He had to apologise, and ask
+permission to retire that he might recover the missing hand.</p>
+
+
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h2>CONCERNING LUNATICS.</h2>
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>In common with most people whose names are well known, Bishop
+Walsham How received many letters from lunatics. He also met
+with a few and has recorded one or two of his experiences. One
+of these dates from somewhat early days, as will be seen from
+the reference to Dr. Christopher Wordsworth. It runs as
+follows:</p></div>
+
+<p>Once when I was staying at St. John's Wood I took an early omnibus to
+Westminster, and as it was fine I got up outside and had for a companion
+a very gentlemanly looking man of military appearance. He soon began to
+talk about prophecy and the revelation, showing an intimate acquaintance
+with the Bible, and at last he asked me if I did not think the time had
+arrived for the Messiah to be again revealed in the flesh. I of course
+deprecated all attempts to fix the date of the Second Advent, but he
+persisted in his attempts to prove that the Messiah would again be
+incarnate. I saw he was full of wild notions, but I was rather startled
+when he asked me if I could name any one on earth who seemed to me to
+answer to all the requirements I should look for in the Messiah, and
+when I said, "Certainly not," he startled me still more by saying, "Now
+I should be disposed to say Dr. Christopher Wordsworth" (then Dean of
+Westminster) "answered most nearly, if it were not for his extraordinary
+hallucination with regard to the millenium." Of course by this time I
+saw the man was mad. However, I asked him if he could name any one more
+perfectly answering to his expectation. He then asked me if I understood
+the meaning of the Frogs in the book of Revelation, and, on my answering
+in the negative, he said. "I ask myself what can you predicate of frogs?
+Only two things, they croak and they jump. So when I hear any one clear
+his throat, suddenly putting his hand up to his mouth, I say to myself,
+'That is the sign of the frogs. The time is come'." He then said, "You
+will allow, I presume, that the Messiah must appear from a mountain?" To
+which I of course assented, as I did to everything else now. "And that
+mountain must bear a name equivalent to Armageddon?" "Yes." "Do you know
+what Armageddon means?" "No." "It is a name of the devil." "Oh!" "Well,
+such a mountain exists." "Where?" "In the county of Tipperary, and at
+the foot of that mountain I was born." He then went on with a long
+rhapsody, saying, "Yes, I am the Messiah, though men won't believe it.
+It's a most curious fact that, while the interests of humanity centre in
+me, each man believes that they centre in himself. Yes, I am the
+scape-goat. You know that goat was sent into the wilderness by the
+priest. Ah! that event happened on" (here he mentioned very rapidly some
+date which I forget). "I was the goat: moral wilderness, you
+know&mdash;commission in lunacy. My brother was the priest&mdash;sent me into the
+wilderness, &amp;c. &amp;c." He was now talking very rapidly and excitedly, and
+I was glad our journey came to an end.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The other incident recorded in the note-book occurred more
+recently, when on the Monday before Ash Wednesday the Bishop had
+been preaching in a London church, and a young man came to the
+vestry after the service to speak to him. The Bishop having
+asked him how he could help him, the young man laid one hand on
+the Bishop's knee, looked him earnestly in the face, and said in
+a loud impressive whisper, "To-morrow's pancake day, and the
+next day's salt-fish!"</p></div>
+
+
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h2>DREAMS.</h2>
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Few people remember dreams to the same extent as Bishop Walsham
+How. It was a very usual thing at breakfast for him to tell
+some absurd dream that he had had, the remembrance of which
+often amused him so much as to greatly hinder its recital. In
+his note-book he has recorded two, one of his own, and one of
+Bishop Jackson's (of London).</p></div>
+
+<p>A Dream of Red Tape.&mdash;A clergyman is often rather beset with forms to
+fill up. Probably in consequence of this I dreamt one night that I was
+walking through a street with a lady, and, it having been raining, there
+were many puddles. I stopped and said I had got some new forms in my
+pocket which would be most useful. I then pulled out a large roll of
+forms, printed as follows: "Madam, allow me to have the honour of
+assisting you to&mdash;&mdash;over this&mdash;&mdash;." There was a line below for a
+signature. I explained that you had only to fill up the first space with
+"step" or "jump," and the second with "puddle" or "pool," according to
+size, sign your name at the bottom and the thing was done.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>This is a comparatively recent entry in the note-book, but the
+dream occurred many years ago. Those who remember the Bishop
+telling it in old days will not have forgotten that he used to
+say that he dreamt it after spending a long day signing his name
+at the Oswestry Savings' Bank of which he was a trustee.</p>
+
+<p>Bishop Jackson's dream was as follows:</p></div>
+
+<p>The Bishop of London, at the time of one of the great gatherings of
+Sunday school children in St. Paul's Cathedral, dreamt that he was
+there, and heard them singing a hymn, one verse of which was as follows:</p>
+
+<div class="poem2"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">To our Churchwardens we will tell</span>
+<span class="i2">The wonders of this day,</span>
+<span class="i0">And eke to them will take the bill</span>
+<span class="i2">Of what they have to pay.</span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h2>YORKSHIRE STORIES.</h2>
+
+
+<p>A Yorkshire clergyman the other day, visiting a poor man who had just
+lost his little boy, endeavoured to console him. The poor man burst into
+tears, and in the midst of his sobs exclaimed: "If 'twarna agin t' law a
+should ha' liked to have t' little beggar stoofed."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A leading layman in the Wakefield diocese went to see a poor old woman
+whose husband had just died after a long illness. In talking of him she
+remarked, "Eh, but John's tabernacle tuk a deal o' riving to bits."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Vicar of Sowerby Bridge met with a woman in his parish who said she
+could not agree with the Church. On being pressed for particulars she
+said she could not hold with renouncing the devil and all his works.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Vicar of one of the large towns in the diocese of Wakefield was
+having a pipe in his kitchen late at night when, about 11 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span>, there
+was a knock at the door, and when he opened it he found two Salvation
+lassies who said they had called to see if he would give them something
+for their work. He said he was sorry he could not do so, though he
+wished them well, and he asked if they found much drunkenness in that
+town. "Yes," said one of them, "and also of its twin child of the devil,
+smoking."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A Yorkshireman (the story is told of Birstall) who had a scolding wife
+met a mate one morning who looked rather sad, and asked him what was the
+matter. The other said, "I've lost my old missus." To this the former
+replied, "I'll swop my wick un for your dead un, and pay t' funeral
+expenses too!"</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Another Birstall story:</p></div>
+
+<p>When the present incumbent was appointed to Birstall, a man there said,
+"We've had no Harvest Festival this time, as there was no vicar, but now
+a new one is appointed I dare say we shall have a lot of them!"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A very wealthy manufacturer whose works were in the Wakefield diocese
+was asked for a donation to a charitable object, and said they might put
+down his name for two guineas. It was pointed out to him that his son
+had already given twice that amount, and he might not like his name to
+appear for less than his son's. "Oh, it's all right," he said; "you see
+he has got a well-to-do father, and I haven't."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Two men went round a parish in Yorkshire, house to house, collecting a
+fund for the repair of the churchyard wall. Presently they came to a
+house where the man had just come in from work and was washing himself
+in the back kitchen. Hearing the men in the front room he called out,
+"What dost a want? Dost a want some o' ma brass? Nay, thee'll noan get
+ma brass for yon job." One of the men replied, "Why, t' wall wants
+mending badly." "Nay, man," answered the man in the back room, "them as
+is in t' churchyard weant get out, and them as isn't in doant want to
+get in. Tha, man, let it bide."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A clergyman in Yorkshire, visiting a dying man, observed him putting his
+hand out of the bed and eating something from time to time, so he said
+he was glad to see he could eat a little, when the man with a funny look
+said, "They're my funeral biscuits. The missis went to the town and
+bought them, and she's out to-day, and I'm eating them."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A poor woman at Halifax talking of her husband, said he had tried
+everything&mdash;he had been a churchman, then a Wesleyan, then a Baptist,
+and now he was a Yarmouth bloater. (She meant Plymouth brother, but had
+got her seaports mixed.)</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A girl in Hebden Bridge came to the vicar to put up her banns of
+marriage. When all was done she lingered at the door and the vicar said,
+"Well, Mary, is there anything more?" To this she replied rather shyly,
+"Please, sir, will t' same spurrings do for another chap?" (<i>Spurrings</i>
+is a Yorkshire word for banns, and is really <i>speerings</i> or
+<i>inquirings</i>.)</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>At Thornhill an old woman lost her brother and went continually to talk
+to him at his grave. One day she was overheard saying, "Eh, William, t'
+pigs turned out well. We'd a bit o' spar rib yesterday, and a wish thee
+could ha' tasted it. And a've sold t' hams, William."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A former vicar of Dewsbury at a funeral in a cemetery, where the grave
+was under the wall of the chapel, remarked to the widow, "It's a nice
+sheltered spot." "Ah, yes," she answered, "my poor husband never could
+bear a draught."</p>
+
+
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h2>MISCELLANEOUS STORIES</h2>
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The remainder of the stories in the note-book are concerning
+such varied matters that it is impossible to classify them, and
+they are given here&mdash;such of them as it is deemed right to
+publish&mdash;as a concluding chapter of this little volume:</p></div>
+
+<p>A friend of mine met with a timber-merchant one day, who said he thought
+the Old Testament was not very historical, and contained things no one
+could believe. He said, for instance, that he had made rather accurate
+calculations of the size and weight of the Ark, and it was simply absurd
+to think that the Israelites could carry such a huge thing about with
+them in the wilderness for forty years, even without the animals.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>At a funeral of a wife the undertaker put the bereaved husband in the
+first carriage with his mother-in-law. When the widower heard of the
+arrangement he remonstrated with the undertaker, and asked if he could
+not go in one of the other carriages. Being told that this would be
+remarked upon, as the nearest relatives always went in the first
+carriage, he yielded, saying, "Ah, well, if it must be so, it must; but
+you've quite spoilt my day for me."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A clergyman of very unclerical habits was salmon-fishing in Scotland in
+1872, and made use of strong expressions which very much disgusted the
+ghillie who accompanied him. At last the clergyman, on losing a fish he
+had hooked, made use of a very improper word when the ghillie could
+stand it no longer, but broke out with, "I'm thinking there maun ha'
+been a sair lack o' timber when they made thee a prop o' the
+Tabernacle."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Rev. R. Bonner, our late Government School Inspector, hired a gig
+from Shrewsbury to drive to inspect a school. The driver in the course
+of conversation informed him that they had got a new clergyman in his
+parish who did all sorts of strange things. On Mr. Bonner asking him
+what, he said, "Why, sir, he makes them sing the Psalms all through."
+Mr. B. answered, "Don't you think the Psalms were meant to be sung?" To
+which he replied, "I never heard that before, sir." Mr. B. then said,
+"Surely David wrote them for music." "Who did you say, sir?" the man
+answered. "David," said Mr. B., "You know they are called the Psalms of
+David." Whereupon the driver said, "Oh, yes, sir, I was forgetting.
+Didn't a gentleman of the name of Hopkins help him?"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A former curate of mine, the Rev. G. E. Sheppard, left to go to All
+Saints, Shrewsbury, where I went to see him. On the wall of his room was
+a picture with these words underneath:</p>
+
+<div class="poem2"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The Queen was asked upon one day</span>
+<span class="i0">Where the greatness of Old England lay,</span>
+<span class="i0">And very soon she was heard to say,</span>
+<span class="i0">It lays within the Bible.</span>
+</div></div>
+
+<br />
+<p>A sceptical working man told a curate who was talking to him about our
+Lord's life that he had a curious old book at home by a writer called
+Herodotus, but, though it was very old it did not even mention any of
+the miracles recorded in the New Testament.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A young clergyman was accused by his vicar of using too long words in
+preaching, "felicity" being given as an example. He was sure every one
+understood the word, so the vicar called up an old woman and asked her
+if she knew what "felicity" meant. She said, "Beant it summut in the
+inside of a pig?"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An organising secretary of the Additional Curates' Society told me of a
+wonderful experience of another secretary of the same society. He was
+asked to stay at a gentleman's house in Worcestershire, and, when shown
+in, his host said he was sorry he could not shake hands with him, as he
+made it a rule to shake hands alternately with the right hand and the
+left, and he could not remember which he had used last. Then, as they
+went in to dinner, he told him it was the rule of the house always to
+make the sign of the cross with the foot on the floor at the dining-room
+door. After he had gone up to bed his host came in many times to offer
+him a night-shirt, a razor, &amp;c. At last he thought he had got rid of him
+and went to sleep. But at midnight his host came and told him it was the
+rule of the house that at twelve o'clock all should change beds, and he
+actually had to turn out and go into another bed.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A woman wishing good-bye to a clergyman's wife when they were going to
+another parish, said to her, "We shall all miss Mr. &mdash;&mdash;'s sermons very
+much, for, you know, intellect is not what we want in this parish."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A certain rector, who was not a lively preacher, always closed his eyes
+when saying the Prayers. His curate wrote the following epigram:</p>
+
+<div class="poem2"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I never see my rector's eyes;</span>
+<span class="i2">He hides their light divine:</span>
+<span class="i0">For, when he prays, he shuts his own,</span>
+<span class="i2">And, when he preaches, mine.</span>
+</div></div>
+
+<br />
+<p>A man who had been a great drunkard was persuaded to take the pledge,
+and some time afterwards a lady went to see the wife, and asked her how
+they were getting on, to which she replied, "Oh, ma'am, we're getting on
+right well. He never beats me now, and never swears at me. I say he's
+more like a friend than a husband now."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A gentleman was invited to a Church function, and wrote and excused
+himself as he was going to the races, "but," he added, "I shall be with
+you in spirit."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An old verger whom I knew lost his wife, and a clergyman went in the
+evening after the funeral to condole with him. As he reached the door he
+heard very lively voices inside, and on opening it the first words he
+heard were from the old verger himself who was exclaiming, "What's
+trumps?" The room was full of tobacco smoke, and as soon as the verger,
+to his horror, saw his vicar standing at the door he said very humbly,
+"Oh, sir, I beg pardon; it's only a few friends as helped to put my poor
+wife underground."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A former Archdeacon of Gloucester had on his paper of inquiries
+addressed to the churchwardens this question: "Is your clergyman of
+sober life and conversation?" One churchwarden answered, "He is sober,
+but I have had no conversation with him for many years."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An enthusiastic total abstainer had a bit of blue ribbon sewn on his
+nightshirts, for, he said, if the house was on fire and he had to escape
+in his night-dress, he would like people to see that he was a member of
+the blue ribbon society.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A Mr. Manning was curate of my old parish of Whittington at the time the
+present form of marriage registers came into use, and, not understanding
+the heading "Condition," he filled up that column in the first entry,
+"Man lean, woman rather fat."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An Act of Parliament against making false entries in registers, or
+mutilating them, is bound up with many Registers. The penalty is
+transportation for ten years. Towards the end of the Act is a short
+clause (with the word "penalties" in the margin) saying, "Half the
+penalties under this Act are to go to the informer, and the other half
+to the poor of the parish."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>At a charity sermon a certain nobleman was in a seat with a rich man
+whom he did not know, but who knew him, the nobleman being furthest from
+the door. At the close of the sermon the nobleman took out a shilling
+and placed it on the book-board. The rich parvenu was very indignant,
+and as a rebuke took out a sovereign and placed it on the book-board.
+The nobleman looked for a moment and then quietly put down another
+shilling, the other putting down at once a second sovereign. And so they
+went on till the nobleman had five shillings and the other five pounds
+before him. When the alms-bag came the rich man ostentatiously put the
+five sovereigns in. The nobleman put one shilling into the bag, and the
+other four into his pocket.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Some Americans managed to get an interview with Mr. Keble at Hursley. He
+walked with them through the garden, when one of them picked a branch of
+a climbing rose, and said, "Now, if you will have the goodness to hand
+that to me I can get five dollars for it in New York."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The vicar of an East London parish was one of the first London clergymen
+to grow his beard. The then Bishop of London wished to stop the
+practice, and, as he was going to confirm in that church, sent his
+chaplain to the vicar to ask him to shave it off, saying he should
+otherwise select another church for the Confirmation. The vicar replied
+that he was quite willing to take his candidates to another church, and
+would give out next Sunday the reason for the change. Of course, the
+bishop retracted.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The old Mitre Hymn-book had in it a hymn describing the just man, and,
+among the noble Christian graces ascribed to him, is the following
+couplet:</p>
+
+<div class="poem2"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And what his charity impairs</span>
+<span class="i0">He saves by prudence in affairs.</span>
+</div></div>
+
+<br />
+<p>A Professional View of a Church Congress.&mdash;At the Bath Church Congress a
+friend of mine went to have his hair cut, and, finding that the barber
+had been to a session of the Congress the evening before, he asked him
+what he thought of it. He replied, "I was greatly struck, sir, with the
+number of bald heads."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A clergyman travelling in the North of England got into conversation
+with a fellow traveller, and told him about St. Cuthbert, and then was
+beginning to tell him about the Venerable Bede, when the other remarked,
+"I think, sir, you are mistaken. You will find that Cuthbert and Bede
+were the same person." He was doubtless thinking of "Cuthbert Bede," the
+<i>nom de plume</i> of Edward Bradley, the author of "Mr. Verdant Green."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Jowett of Balliol was once asked by a friend if he thought a really good
+man could be happy on the rack. He said, "Perhaps, if he were a <i>very</i>
+good man, and it was a <i>very</i> bad rack."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>One of the speakers at the meeting of the Catholic Truth Society at
+Bristol (Sept. 1895) told a story of a pious Catholic visiting
+Westminster Abbey, and kneeling in a quiet corner for private devotion,
+when he was summoned in stentorian tones to come and view the royal
+tombs and chapels. "But I have seen them," said the stranger, "and I
+only wish to say my prayers." "Prayers is over," said the verger.
+"Still, I suppose," said the stranger, "there can be no objection to my
+saying my prayers quietly here?" "No objection, sir!" said the irate
+verger. "Why, it would be an insult to the Dean and Chapter."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>In Doylestown, United States of America, cemetery is a square enclosure
+with four tombstones at the four corners recording the deaths of the
+four wives of one man. In the centre stands a large monument, with name
+and dates of birth and death, and the touching words,</p>
+
+<div class="poem2"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Our Husband."</span>
+</div></div>
+
+<br />
+<p>A certain well-known preacher of somewhat exciting sermons was invited
+by the Vicar of Willenhall to preach in his church. One of the
+parishioners afterwards describing the effect of the sermon upon him to
+his vicar said, "It was a main fine sarment, sir, but he first speak in
+a whisper like, and then he shouted that loud as made me hop clean off
+my seat. So the next time I watched him, and when I heerd him
+a-whisperin' I see it a-comin', and I ketch right tight howd of the seat
+a this'n" (suiting the action to the word), "and then it didna do me no
+harm."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Mr. Edward Haycock, jun., the architect, of Shrewsbury, in speaking to a
+builder about the restoration of a church, was fairly puzzled by the man
+recommending that a certain addition should be made with a le-anto roof.
+Mr. Haycock did not like to acknowledge his ignorance of this sort of
+roof, and he asked the man to describe how he would manage it, when he
+soon saw that the man was talking of a lean-to roof.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An old lady in Shrewsbury once complained to my father about Christmas
+Day falling on a Sunday, and said that it never was so in her younger
+days, and she supposed it was the Radicals that had done it. On my
+father saying that it had been so sometimes before, she said, "Well,
+perhaps I'm wrong, for my memory is getting very bad, and I have a
+distinct recollection of Good Friday once happening on a Sunday."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The Vicar of Highclere once took duty in a church where he thought he
+had only morning and afternoon sermons to provide. Finding there was
+also an evening service, and not being prepared with a third sermon, he
+gave out in the morning that there would be no sermon in the evening,
+and then immediately gave out the hymn, "O day of rest and gladness,"
+which caused some smiles.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A friend of mine was taking a mission for the vicar of a parish in
+Bolton. As they were walking together down the street they met an old
+woman, and the vicar asked her after her husband, who was very ill,
+saying, "I am afraid he is very ill." "Yes, sir," she answered, "but I
+do my best for him: I read the Burial Service to him every day to get
+him used to it."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A certain clergyman was said to be invisible for six days of the week,
+and incomprehensible on the seventh.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>An old gardener, whose master was dead, and who was engaged to continue
+with his successor, was seen by his new master one day measuring some
+young trees in the garden. When asked what he was doing, he replied,
+"Well, sir, I don't think I'm long for this world, and when I go up
+there the first thing the old master will ask me will be, 'How are the
+young trees getting on?'"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A Coincidence.&mdash;I was once reading the lessons in Kidderminster Church
+when the organ ciphered, and one note went piping on all the time I was
+reading. It happened that the lesson was Job xxi., and I quite broke
+down at verse 12. ("They ... rejoice at the sound of the organ.")</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>When the new vicar went to Cantrip he found Church matters in a very
+primitive state. After a short time he introduced "Hymns Ancient and
+Modern." One day one of the farmers met him, and said, "What is this new
+hymn-book, sir? I don't like it." The vicar, thinking he was in for a
+theological discussion, said, "What don't you like?" "Why," said the
+farmer, "I don't like them words." "What words?" "Why, them words as
+they sing now; I am not used to them." Being pressed as to the
+particular words, he at last confessed that he never had sung <i>any</i>
+words at all before, but only "one, two, three, four," and he thought
+having any words at all a very dangerous innovation.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A Cornish rector had a tickling cough, and was recommended by his doctor
+to go to Exeter and have his uvula cut, which he did. Some time
+afterwards another patient, suffering in the same way, applied to the
+same doctor, who wrote a little note to the rector, asking him who had
+shortened his uvula, and how it had succeeded. The doctor wrote a
+very bad hand, and the clergyman read "roller" for "uvula." It happened
+that he had lately had a stone roller shortened that it might pass
+through a garden gate, so he wrote back, "Dear sir, it was done by a
+stonemason in the village. He cut off eighteen inches, and it is now six
+feet long, and answers thoroughly."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>Mr. Burgon had a class of young ladies at Oxford, and had occasion to
+mention the Targums, when he stopped and said, "By the way, do any of
+you young ladies know what a Targum is?" One of them replied, "It's a
+bird with white wings, rather larger than a partridge."</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A curate at Witney in 1888 called upon a parishioner for the first time,
+and found him at home. The man received him with the utmost coolness,
+proceeded to take down a bust of Disraeli from a shelf, placed it on the
+table before the curate, and said, "Now, sir, be you for 'im, or be you
+for t' other un?" This was to determine whether to be friendly or not.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The late Mr. William Lyttelton, Rector of Hagley, told me one day that
+he had just met an old lady who stammered very badly. She told Mr.
+Lyttelton that she had just lost a cousin, and, being distressed, had
+sent for her clergyman to console her. "And what d-d-do you th-think the
+man d-d-d-d-did, Mr. Lyttelton?" she said. "I'm sure I don't know," he
+replied. "Why, he read me all ab-b-bout D-d-david and B-b-b-bathsheba! A
+very g-g-good man, you know, Mr. Lyttelton, b-b-but not j-j-judicious!"</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>A friend of mine, an Archdeacon, at a dinner of professors at G&ouml;ttingen,
+sat by Wieseler, who descanted on the excellence of the English Church,
+and was especially charmed with what he heard of bishops sinking their
+personality and becoming known only by the name of their sees. He
+himself had learnt more from one of them than from any foreign writer:
+he referred to the great Thomas Carlyle.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p>The present Vicar of Almondbury went to a barber's shop in Chatham to
+have his hair cut at the time that he was curate there. The artist asked
+him if he had known his son at Oxford, and explained that he had meant
+him for his own profession, but he hadn't the brains for it, so he sent
+him into the Church.</p>
+
+
+<br /><br />
+<b>Transcriber's Notes:</b><br />
+hyphenation, spelling and grammar have been preserved as in the original<br />
+Page 9, foun among others ==> found among others<br />
+Page 51, trying to the congregration ==> trying to the congregation<br />
+Page 67, Answer: Because they didn't ==> Answer: "Because they didn't<br />
+Page 58, To this she answered == To this she answered,<br />
+Page 82, you wont deceive ==> you won't deceive<br />
+Page 87, the same. ==> the same."<br />
+Page 89, 'Weel, I must say ==> "Weel, I must say<br />
+Page 125, said, ""I've lost ==> said, "I've lost<br />
+Page 142, young ladies at at Oxford ==> young ladies at Oxford<br />
+Page 143, D-d-d avid ==> D-d-david
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lighter Moments from the Notebook of
+Bishop Walsham How, by Frederick Douglas How
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LIGHTER MOMENTS--BISHOP WALSHAM HOW ***
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lighter Moments from the Notebook of Bishop
+Walsham How, by Frederick Douglas How
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Lighter Moments from the Notebook of Bishop Walsham How
+
+Author: Frederick Douglas How
+
+Release Date: September 8, 2011 [EBook #37347]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LIGHTER MOMENTS--BISHOP WALSHAM HOW ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Delphine Lettau, Ross Cooling and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Canada Team at
+http://www.pgdpcanada.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  LIGHTER MOMENTS
+
+
+
+
+  First Edition, _March 1900_
+  Reprinted, _April 1900_
+  Reprinted, _May 1900_
+
+
+
+
+  LIGHTER MOMENTS
+
+  FROM THE NOTEBOOK
+
+  OF
+
+  BISHOP WALSHAM HOW
+
+
+  EDITED BY
+
+  FREDERICK DOUGLAS HOW
+
+
+
+  LONDON
+  ISBISTER AND COMPANY Limited
+  15 & 16 TAVISTOCK STREET COVENT GARDEN
+  1900
+
+
+
+
+  Printed by Ballantyne, Hanson & Co.
+  London & Edinburgh
+
+
+
+
+  PREFACE
+
+
+On Christmas Day, 1891, my father presented me with his collection of
+"Ecclesiastical Jottings," as he called them, having previously had them
+handsomely bound in red leather. When he put them into my hands he
+expressed a hope that I should some day make a little book of them. Up
+to the time of his death he made frequent additions to the collection,
+and I have now gathered most of his stories together in "a little book,"
+according to his wishes.
+
+To _read_ them is to lose so much; yet that is all that one can do now.
+Half their humour seems to have gone with the sound of his voice, the
+merry twinkle of his eye, and his own delight in them.
+
+I cannot help hoping that they may serve to brighten the odd minutes of
+some other lives spent, as his was, in many labours.
+
+There are some people to whom apologies seem due.
+
+First, to those to whom a large number of these stories are already
+familiar. May I ask them to realise that the contents of this volume
+have been so familiar to me that it has been almost impossible for me to
+know which to throw away as chestnuts?
+
+Secondly, I apologise to those whose appreciation of my father's
+goodness and piety is so great that they shrink from the contemplation
+of any other characteristics. To them I would, with great deference,
+suggest that they are putting on one side a large and important part of
+my father's character. No man, as I believe, walked more closely with
+his God, but his influence owed much of its power to the fact that he
+also walked in closest sympathy with men--sympathy not only with their
+tears but with their laughter--sympathy which begot, as it generally
+does, a keen sense of humour.
+
+Thirdly, there are those who, possessing no sense of humour themselves,
+are fearful lest it should appear derogatory to their stupendous
+intellects to appreciate that gift in others. I was going to apologise
+to these also--but, on the whole, I think I won't.
+
+    F. D. H.
+
+  _February 1900._
+
+
+
+
+  LIGHTER MOMENTS
+
+
+Bishop Walsham How was the happy possessor of a nature essentially
+sunny. Deeply pious from his childhood onwards, his piety was neither of
+that morose, narrow, gloomy description met with among some people, nor
+was it of that gushing, uncertain, hysterical kind occasionally found
+among others. He was happy because he was good. His simple joyous life
+was a song of praise to his Creator, like that of a bright spring day.
+He rejoiced in the Lord alway. No one who knew him could fail to be
+struck with this all-pervading note in his character. No matter what the
+anxiety, no matter what the trouble, he was always ready to turn his
+face to the Sun and be gladdened by the Light.
+
+A quality on a slightly lower level, but having its own part in helping
+to sustain his sunniness of disposition, was his keen sense of humour.
+He never could help seeing the funny side of things. A visit to some
+dreary and neglected parish in East London would sadden him, but the
+ready answer of a street boy, or the good story told him by a fellow
+traveller in train or tram, would not fail to be appreciated, and would
+give him something cheery to talk about when he got home.
+
+Surely this sense of humour is in some way closely allied with the power
+of sympathy. This is apparently true in the case of _men_. _Women_ must
+be considered from a different point of view, for, while the world would
+be but a poor place bereft of their sympathy, they have for the most
+part but little sense of humour. Occasionally one meets with a supposed
+exception, but even then one is liable to be deceived. It is natural to
+all women to wish to please, and sometimes an apparently humorous
+disposition is the result of consummate acting. A lady was staying with
+a large house party at a country house, and gained a great reputation by
+her power of telling amusing stories with a vast appreciation of their
+fun. It was noticed that other people's stories were received by her
+with remarkable gravity, and seldom called forth her laughter. This was
+ascribed by some to jealousy, by others to a limited sense of humour. At
+last the true explanation was forthcoming. An accident revealed the fact
+that every story she heard was carefully noted, and entered afterwards
+in a book, with the place and date where it was told. Hence the grave
+attention with which she listened. It was not the fun that attracted
+her, but the opportunity of adding to a store of anecdotes from which a
+selection was carefully rehearsed day by day in her bedroom, to be let
+off like a number of little set pieces for the amusement of the company
+and her own glorification.
+
+Bishop Walsham How entered most of the amusing incidents and stories he
+met with in a notebook, but his sense of humour was very different from
+that of the lady mentioned above. There was no lack of spontaneity. It
+was part and parcel of himself, and he would never have been the man he
+was, or had the influence he possessed, without it.
+
+Although far more men than women seem to have this sense, yet every one
+must be familiar with some few of those unfortunate people in whom it is
+lacking. Let a man think of his schooldays. There were masters who
+_understood_--who saw the joke underlying a breach of discipline; who
+punished, indeed, but who did it with a twinkle in the eye which helped
+to cure the smart. These were the men whom the boys trusted, just
+because they felt that they were sure of sympathy. But there was
+probably one at least among the staff, ponderous, dull, and worthy,
+well-meaning, but a failure simply by reason of an entire lack of the
+sense of humour. By dint of dogged perseverance he got certain facts
+into the heads of his class, but he never succeeded in interesting them
+in their work. He took boys out for a solemn walk, but never gained a
+confidence. What was the good of talking to him? He never had been a
+boy: he could not understand.
+
+It is just the same in other professions. The clergyman with pale and
+heavy features, who sees no fun in anything, may just as well stop at
+home as go round from house to house with his awkward unsympathetic
+questions. The children run away from him, their parents are simply
+bored. The doctor or the lawyer loses touch with his clients when he is
+unfortunate enough to be set down as a man who cannot see a joke.
+
+In fact, the sense of humour is a real part of the power of conveying a
+sense of sympathy. The sympathy _may_ be there in the dullest and
+heaviest of men, but he has not the power of conveying it. One of Bishop
+Walsham How's great delights was to share with others the amusement he
+gleaned from day to day, and it was his wish that after his death some
+of the stories that he collected should be published. Many of them he
+frequently told, and they have been repeated from mouth to mouth till
+they are well known, others were perhaps well known when he first heard
+them. The following selection has been made with the hope of including
+all the more original anecdotes, and it is hoped that they may have some
+small share in keeping alive the memory of one whose sense of humour
+helped to increase his wide-hearted sympathy for his fellow creatures.
+
+    Many of the stories told by Bishop Walsham How centre round
+    Whittington, the Shropshire parish of which he was Rector from
+    1851 to 1879. In the early days of his residence there
+    superstition was exceedingly rife. There is a note by the
+    Bishop to this effect:
+
+The prevalence of superstition in these enlightened days (as we call
+them: how our great-grandchildren will laugh at us!) is most marvellous.
+The following are in this parish generally approved and seriously
+recommended remedies for the whooping-cough, popularly called the
+"chin-cough": To be swung nine times under a donkey. To pass the patient
+three times under and over a briar growing from a hedge, saying, "Over
+the briar and under the briar, and leave the chin-cough behind."[1]
+Anything recommended by a seventh son. (One woman cured several people,
+she tells me, by sending them to meet a boatman who is a seventh son,
+and to ask him what would cure them.) Anything recommended by a man on a
+piebald horse. (I have been told of cures being thus effected by gin,
+honey, cold water, and an ounce of tea taken wholly.)
+
+[Footnote 1: This process I can remember undergoing at the hands of my
+nurse in the garden of Whittington Rectory.--Ed.]
+
+Soon after I came here [Whittington] an old neighbour, Kitty Williams,
+was ill, and my wife was ill at the same time. In speaking of the
+latter fact to an old woman who lived at the hamlet of Babies' Wood, she
+said she hoped we were good to old Kitty, for she had an evil eye and
+might have caused Mrs. How's illness. She then told me the following
+story: When Kitty was young she lived in service near Whittington, but
+was sent away for some misconduct, and after a time married Jonathan
+Williams and came to live where I knew her. From the time she left her
+place nothing prospered there. Cows died, horses went lame, and all went
+wrong. So they consulted a wise woman, who told them to get a pair of
+black horses with long tails and to drive them about till they stopped
+of themselves, and then to give the first woman they saw whatever she
+asked for. They did so; the horses stopped opposite Kitty's cottage
+close by Whittington Rectory. Kitty came out, and they greeted their old
+servant and asked what they should give her. She chose a shawl, so they
+went to Oswestry and bought her one, after which all things prospered
+with them. This was told me with the seriousness of profound belief.[2]
+
+[Footnote 2: The following facts may throw some light on the horses
+stopping at that exact spot. First, they were probably hearse horses;
+secondly, there is a public-house on the other side of the road.--Ed.]
+
+    Scarcely less curious were many of the phrases and sayings which
+    he came across in visiting the old inhabitants of the parish.
+    Here are a few which found a place in his notebook:
+
+A woman from whom I was making some inquiry concerning a neighbour
+answered me, "I really can't tell you, sir, for I've not much confection
+of cheerfulness with my neighbours."
+
+Another woman, who had been ill, described herself to me as being "as
+thin as a halfpenny herring."
+
+A poor woman in the parish, speaking to me of the wonders of the
+heavens, expressed her astonishment at the sun rising in the east,
+whereas it set in the west. "I suppose," she said, "it gets back in the
+night when it is dark."
+
+The following words are given verbatim as spoken by an old woman in the
+parish on the occasion of my first visit soon after I became Rector.
+"The old man and me never go to bed, sir, without singing the Evening
+Hymn. Not that I've got any voice left, for I haven't; and as for him,
+he's like a bee in a bottle; and then he don't humour the tune, for he
+don't rightly know one tune from another, and he can't remember the
+words neither; so when he leaves out a word I puts it in, and when I
+can't sing I dances, and so we gets through it somehow."
+
+    Queer letters, too, find a place among the other curiosities of
+    Whittington. Mrs. How received the following remarkable epistle
+    about a poor woman who had been sent to a lady in Oswestry.
+    There is not a stop in the letter from beginning to end:
+
+I am sorry to send to you Ellen Morris which her his heavy afflicted
+with the favor on the brain which her is not fit to get her living and
+her did go to Mrs. G---- and I did write a note to go to her and her
+said if her had a note from a clergyman her would give her 2 6
+[two-and-six] what does it matter who write a note for a person when
+they are in distress people that can write a note and tell the truth
+which her has got a pair of boots in a shoemaker's shop which her
+cannot get them out without two shilling and her his very near barefoot
+and I hope you will bestow your charity this once for my sake and yours
+what we give to the poor we never shall want which I do give her what I
+can give her and God will bless us all that will give with a good free
+willing heart my dear Mrs. How which I hope you will bestow you are a
+very good to the poor and it his a great charity to give to this poor
+woman yours truly Mrs. D---- which her does beg her living from one or
+another and her does do very well considering.
+
+    The above is the complete letter, no date, and no other word of
+    any sort. Vicarious begging letters are not unknown to the
+    police of our big towns, but the scribe who could not do better
+    than the above would have small chance of employment. A modern
+    London begging letter is often a work of fine art.
+
+    A further note on a curious letter tells how, in December 1875,
+    a good widow in the village received a proposal from a man she
+    had never spoken to, couched in the following terms:
+
+Dear Friend, I am a widower with two little girls, and I want some one
+to take care of them. I think we could live very comfortably together in
+this world, & afterwards we could rejoin those we have loved who have
+gone before. If you accept this, please write & say so on the other side
+of this sheet. If not, please return this letter, & dont make it
+public.[3]
+
+[Footnote 3: Proposal declined.--Ed]
+
+    The famous and eccentric Jack Mytton lived at Halston, a country
+    house in the parish of Whittington, not very long before Bishop
+    Walsham How went there as Rector. Some of the old servants from
+    that house were still living in the village, and wonderful were
+    the stories that they told. One would relate how he was
+    compelled to go out on a snowy night and crawl over the ice to
+    shoot wild ducks with his master, _dressed only in his
+    nightshirt_. Another told how, after Jack Mytton's famous
+    roasting match against a professional roaster in Shrewsbury, his
+    master called for him in his carriage on his way home, and drove
+    him up to Halston that he might _scrape_ him where he was burnt.
+    Happily such days were over before 1850, and no doubt the
+    stories of these old servants lost nothing in the telling. One
+    of the last to survive was the subject of the following passage
+    in the notebook:
+
+Mrs. J----, formerly housekeeper at Halston in Mr. Mytton's time, has
+long been a sufferer from asthma. She lost a sister, and in speaking of
+arrangements for the funeral told me she had a vault made for four, in
+which three, including her own husband, had been already buried, and
+that she wished her sister to have the fourth place. When I said,
+"Surely, that is meant for yourself," she answered, "No, I never could
+breathe in a vault. I must have fresh air. She shall have it, and I'll
+be buried in the open ground, if you please."
+
+    While speaking of Halston a good story may find a place
+    concerning the gentleman who owned the property in Bishop
+    Walsham How's time.
+
+One of my curates, in walking down from Frankton, fell in with a man
+who startled him by saying what a pity it was that the owner of Halston
+was not a better man. On being asked what he meant, the man said that no
+good man would do as was being done on that property, and build cottages
+in pairs or close together. My curate asked why not, and the man said,
+"Because it is written 'Thou shalt not add house to house'"; and, on my
+curate explaining the true meaning to him, he repudiated it entirely,
+and said he had no doubt the thing was condemned in the Bible because
+next-door neighbours always quarrel.
+
+    Here is an account of a curious interview the Rector had with a
+    local stonemason. Probably the spread of education would make
+    such a thing impossible to-day.
+
+A stonemason one day brought a stone to put into the churchyard, with a
+verse on it in which occurred the line--
+
+  Till life's brief span be ended.
+
+I had given no permission for this, and make a rule of refusing to allow
+poetical effusions upon tombstones. However, the mason had omitted the
+'s' after "life," so I was able to remonstrate with him, and told him
+that if he had sent me his epitaph beforehand I could at least have
+saved him from making ridiculous mistakes. He was quite incredulous, and
+asked me to point out the mistake. When I did so he put his head on one
+side, and, after contemplating the stone for some moments, said, "Now
+_I_ should say, if you were to put an 's' in that line, it would come in
+better after 'brief.'"
+
+    Some anecdotes relating to pastoral visits occur here and there
+    in the notebooks. The following story is interesting as
+    illustrating the fact that it does not always do to trust to
+    first impressions.
+
+I was visiting on his death bed an old man in the village called John
+Richards, and one day found a very rough-looking fellow sitting by the
+head of his bed with his hands in his pockets, and his legs stretched
+out, so I asked him if he was the old man's son, to which he answered
+with a rough "Yes." I then asked him where he lived, and he answered in
+the same insolent tone, "Manchester." So, thinking he was not a
+pleasant specimen of Manchester manners, I took no further notice of
+him, but read and prayed with his father as if he were not there, he
+sitting in the same irreverent attitude all the time. Just as I was
+going he said abruptly, "I'll tell ye something." "Well," I said, "what
+is it?" "I had a mate once," he said, "down with the small-pox, uncommon
+bad, black as your hat. 'John,' he says to me, 'fetch me a minister.' So
+I went for one of these Chapel ministers, and I says to him, 'Come along
+o' me, I've got a mate bad.' So he came. So when we got to the house,
+before we went up, I says, 'You don't know what's the matter with him?'
+and he says, 'No, what is it?' 'Small-pox,' I said, 'as black as your
+hat.' And what do you think he did?" "I don't know," I said. "Why, run
+away!" he said, breaking into a loud laugh. I thought this was the end
+of the story, and that it was meant as a hit at all ministers, but he
+went on, "I warn't to be done that way, so next I goes for a Church
+minister, and I says to him, 'Come along o' me, I've got a mate bad.'
+And _he_ came. Well, when we got to the foot of the stairs I says to him
+just like t'other one, 'You don't know what's the matter with him?' and
+he says, 'No, what is it?' So I says again, 'Small-pox as black as your
+hat.' Well, what do you think this chap did?" "Not run away, I hope," I
+answered. "No," he shouted in the most defiant way, "No, he walked
+straight up to the bedside and prayed with him just like you've done
+with my father." So I found that my rough and defiant friend was all the
+time paying me a compliment. But it was the most pugnacious bit of
+friendship I ever encountered.
+
+    No one who knew the Bishop and his wide-hearted sympathy would
+    think for a moment that he told this story to contrast the
+    ministers of various denominations. That was not the point. The
+    fun lay in the man's manner. Might it not be fair to suggest
+    that possibly the one minister had been vaccinated while the
+    other was a "conscientious objector" arrived before his time?
+    Here is another story of pastoral visitation:
+
+A woman in a small Welsh farmhouse [Whittington is on the border of
+Wales] being taken very ill, a neighbour went for the clergyman, who
+said he would come directly. The neighbour going back to the farmhouse
+said they had better get out a Bible, as the parson might ask for one.
+The farmer thereupon told the woman she would find one, he thought, at
+the bottom of an old chest, "for thank goodness," he added, "we have had
+no occasion for them sort of books for many a long year--never since the
+old cow was so bad."
+
+    Talking of family Bibles, when Bishop Walsham How was Rector of
+    Whittington he copied the following list from the entries in the
+    family Bible of some people called Turner. The names are those
+    of the twelve children of the family:
+
+    1. Turnerina de Margaret.
+    2. Turnerannah de Mary Elizabeth.
+    3. Alfred Fitz Cawley de Walker.
+    4. Bernard de Belton.
+    5. Cornelius la Compston.
+    6. Turnerica Henrica Ulrica da Gloria de Lavinia Rebekah.
+    7. John de Hillgreave.
+    8. Eignah de George Turner Jones.
+    9. Fighonghangal o Temardugh Hope de Hindley.
+    10. Turnwell William ap Owen de Pringle.
+    11. Turnerietta de Johannah Jane de Faith.
+    12. Faithful Thomas.
+
+    Surely the father who invented these names was a born humorist!
+    It must have been the father, for no mother would have permitted
+    her children to be thus bedizened with absurd appellations if it
+    had not been that her lack of humour failed to see the fun of
+    her husband's gorgeous caricature of the "upper ten."
+
+    It has often been said that the power of recognising an object
+    when represented in a picture is not natural but acquired. The
+    following story of one of the "Old Men's Dinners" at Whittington
+    Rectory goes to show that in the early days of photography the
+    rustic population had difficulty in discerning the portraits
+    somewhat dimly shadowed forth on the old-fashioned glass and
+    metal plates.
+
+I always have a dinner of from twenty to thirty of the oldest men of
+the parish on New Year's day, and on one of these occasions I was
+displaying to my guests a photograph of two old men who had long worked
+at the Rectory, and who were taken in their working clothes, one with a
+spade, and the other holding a little tree as if about to plant it. A
+very deaf old man, Richard Jones, took it in his hand, and looking at it
+said, "Beautiful! Beautiful!" So I shouted, "Who are they, Richard?"
+"Why," he said, "it's Abraham offering up Isaac, to be sure!" I tried to
+undeceive him, and, as the old men who had been photographed were
+sitting opposite to him, I said, "You'll see them before you if you will
+look up." But all I could get was a serene smile, "Yes, yes, I sees 'em
+before me--by faith."
+
+    The Rector of Whittington was blessed with a succession of
+    valuable curates, who for the most part became his close
+    personal friends, and he was also on the most friendly terms
+    with the clergy of the neighbouring parishes. Concerning his
+    curates or his neighbours, he would now and then note an amusing
+    incident, some of which must find a place here while we are
+    dealing with his Whittington career.
+
+When the curacy of Whittington was vacant on one occasion I had an
+application from a young clergyman who sent me a sermon on Baptism,
+which he had preached in his last parish, thinking that I should like to
+see what his doctrine was. However, his opinion on every controverted
+point was studiously concealed. I have, nevertheless, preserved one
+passage, the doctrine of which is interesting. It ran as follows: "In
+the East baptism was frequently practised by immersion, but in a cold
+climate like ours, where we apply water only to the face and hands, such
+a practice would be injurious to the health."
+
+
+A very shy, nervous curate of mine had to take the service alone here
+one Sunday morning soon after his ordination. There were banns of
+marriage for two couples to give out, the first being for the third time
+of asking, and the second for the first. After reading out the four
+names he paused, turned very red, and astounded the congregation by
+adding, "The first are last and the last first."
+
+
+When the house, in which a curate of mine lodged, changed hands, the new
+landlady agreed to pay the old one L10 for the curate. He complained to
+us that, having been paid for, he could not leave, however uncomfortable
+he might be. Shortly afterwards the new landlady told him that she had
+not paid the L10 and could not do so, so he paid it for her, thus paying
+his own valuation!
+
+
+A neighbour of mine, a clergyman, who had a great dislike of
+discouraging little children, was one day examining a class, and asked
+how many sons Noah had. "Four," a little girl answered. "Ah! yes," he
+said, "perhaps, but one died young." He next asked what their names
+were. "Adam," suggested a small child. "Yes, my child," he said, "that
+would doubtless be the one that died young."
+
+
+An Irish curate in Oswestry quoted in his sermon "the deaf adder that
+stoppeth her ears," and, being suddenly struck with the physical
+difficulties of the process, he paused a moment, and then proceeded.
+"How does she stop her ears? I suppose, my friends, she must clap one
+ear on the ground and stick her tail in the other." Curiously enough I
+see that Brunetto Latini, in his "Booke of Beastes," relates this as a
+fact in natural history. Latini was contemporary with Dante, and a
+great naturalist, but of the inventive sort.
+
+    The following story will be recognised by many, in spite of the
+    absence of names. When we were children it was one of our
+    greatest treats to be taken to see the clergyman in question,
+    who was very kind to us and used to ask us to play drums and
+    other instruments in his quaint sitting-room. The occasions of
+    his visits to our house were also much looked forward to, as he
+    was sure to do something original. He once came to a dinner
+    party and brought two or three musical-boxes which he set off,
+    all playing different tunes at the same time, during dinner.
+    This is the story that occurs in the notebook:
+
+The first time that Archdeacon Wickham visited this deanery as
+archdeacon I drove him to a parsonage where the incumbent insisted upon
+his inspecting everything. In the garden is a little pond, and over this
+pond we beheld a strange erection of posts and planks, with a sort of
+saddle-like seat on the top. On the Archdeacon asking the incumbent
+what it was, he explained with great delight that it was a capital
+contrivance by which you could take exercise and make yourself useful by
+pumping water up to the church, where he had just been building a
+transept. So, saying that he would show us, he clambered up, sat down on
+the saddle smiling, and began to work the treadles eagerly.
+Unfortunately, however, the work at the church having been just
+finished, the pipe which had conveyed the water to the workmen had been
+cut off just above the surface of the water. The consequence was that he
+immediately produced a jet of water which shot straight upwards and
+almost lifted him off his seat, entirely upsetting the archidiaconal
+gravity. As we returned to the house the incumbent begged the Archdeacon
+to go into the back yard and smell the pump, which, he said, stank
+horribly. The Archdeacon protested that he had no authority over pumps,
+but he would take no denial, and when he got into the backyard he said,
+"Now, Mr. Archdeacon, if you will put your nose to the spout, I will
+pump." The Archdeacon was, however, quite equal to the occasion, and
+said, "No, I depute the Rural Dean to put his nose to the spout, and I
+will receive his report, and, if needed, pronounce an ecclesiastical
+censure."
+
+    Bishop Walsham How's love of botany took him frequently into the
+    wilder and more mountainous parts of the neighbourhood, and in
+    the course of these expeditions he made friends with the
+    gentleman, since dead, of whom he tells the following story:
+
+The Vicar of the little parish of Criggion, under the Breidden hills,
+asked me once to come there for a certain All Saints' Day, when he was
+going to have a meeting of choirs. I could not go, but seeing him a
+little while afterwards, I asked him how the choral festival had gone
+off. "Oh! very well," he said. "And how many choirs had you?" I asked
+"Oh, well, only two," he said; "L----'s from over the hill and my own."
+"And how many voices had you?" I next asked. "You should not be so
+inquisitive," he said, "but to tell the truth, there were only his
+Buttons and my own little maid!"
+
+    Before he went to Whittington, he had some experience of another
+    quaint character among Shropshire clergymen, as is related in
+    the following passage taken from the notebook:
+
+Mr. C---- was curate of a parish near Shrewsbury when I was curate of
+Holy Cross and St. Giles' in that town. He was very eccentric in all his
+ways. Among other peculiarities he, though very High Church in views,
+adopted a very secular style of dress. Archdeacon Allen undertook on one
+occasion to speak to him on the subject, and at a Visitation very kindly
+and pleasantly remarked that his dress was not quite what was usual on
+such occasions. Whereupon Mr. C----, taking hold of the Archdeacon's
+coat, said, "Well, Mr. Archdeacon, you know _this_ is not quite the
+correct thing: I believe it is an old coat made to do!" The Archdeacon
+could not resist a good laugh, and acknowledged that he was quite right
+in his supposition.
+
+
+One day my good fellow curate, the Rev. F. P. Johnson, was walking along
+the road when he saw Mr. C---- approaching, a gaunt figure with long
+strides, in a striped waistcoat and blue muffetees, intoning at the top
+of his voice the prayer for the Queen's most excellent Majesty. He
+slackened pace, finished the prayer, duly sang the Amen, and then shook
+hands with a hearty "How do you do, old fellow?" On Johnson expressing
+astonishment at the performance, he said he was only saying Matins as in
+duty bound, and, since his rector would not have it in church and he had
+no time in his lodgings in Shrewsbury, he always said it as he came back
+from visiting the school in the morning. "If you had been a minute or
+two sooner," he added, "you would just have come in for the anthem. You
+know 'in choirs and places where they sing, here followeth the anthem.'"
+"And what anthem did you have to-day?" asked Johnson. "Oh," he replied,
+"I always have the same, for I only know one. When I come to that place
+I always sing 'God save the Queen.'"
+
+
+Another time Mr. C---- was spending a day with Mr. Peake, then curate of
+Ellesmere. At noon he went up to his room, and Mr. Peake heard him
+whistling very strangely on one note. He went up, knocked at his door,
+and asked him what he was doing. "Oh nothing," said Mr. C----. "But what
+are you whistling in that queer way for?" said Mr. Peake. "Oh, well, if
+you must know," he answered, "I was saying my prayers." "Saying your
+prayers!" said Mr. Peake, "why, you were whistling!" "Yes, I know," said
+Mr. C----; "the fact is your maid was cleaning your room next to mine,
+and I thought she would think it odd perhaps if I intoned my sexts, as I
+generally do, so I thought I would whistle them to-day."
+
+    Several stories occur in connection with Oswestry, which was the
+    market town for Whittington.
+
+Extract from a sermon preached by a curate of Oswestry upon the scene
+between St. Paul and St. Peter at Antioch. The words were taken down at
+the time [N.B.--_Hibernice legendum_]: "So Paul seized the banner of the
+Gospel out of the hands of poor, weak, compromising Peter, and waved it
+in a flood of light and liberty over the head of the Galatian Church."
+
+
+    Again:
+
+A certain Calvinistic curate of Oswestry met a neighbour who had
+unhappily seceded to Rome, and thus described the interview to his
+vicar. "I met ---- yesterday, and said to him, 'Not a day of my life
+passes that I do not pray for you.' And what do you think he said? Why,
+'And not a day of _my_ life passes that I do not pray for _you_.' The
+impudence of the fellow!"
+
+
+    Here is another:
+
+A certain clergyman of this diocese, risen from the ranks, was preaching
+at Trinity Church, Oswestry, and found in the course of the service that
+he had forgotten his pocket-handkerchief. As he felt he should require
+one during the sermon, the weather being very warm, he asked a lady in a
+pew close to the pulpit, as he went up, to lend him hers, which he duly
+returned as he went down again!
+
+    Whittington being on the borders of Wales, Dissent was
+    extremely prevalent, and the Church's action towards Dissenters
+    was a burning subject. Hence the following story:
+
+At a clerical meeting soon after I came into these parts the subject
+discussed was, "How to treat Dissenters." After most of those present
+had spoken, a neighbouring rector said, "I make it a principle never to
+speak to Dissenters about religious matters. But I have a very good
+garden with a southern slope, and I send them baskets of early
+vegetables, and by this means I have brought several over to the
+Church."
+
+    Next come two stories from the same neighbourhood of Oswestry,
+    but of a more unclerical nature:
+
+A relation of Sir Watkin Wynn was one day hunting with those hounds when
+his horse stumbled in a lane and fell with him. Whereupon Simpson, at
+that time Sir Watkin's second horseman, jumped off to help him, and
+thinking him dangerously hurt tried to comfort him with a text of
+Scripture, saying, "Ah, sir! naked we came out of our mother's womb and
+naked we shall return thither!"
+
+
+Dr. B----, of Oswestry, has three horses which he has named "High
+Church," "Low Church," and "Broad Church." The reason he gives is that
+the first is always on his knees, the second never, and as for the third
+you never know what he will do next.
+
+    This last story leads on naturally to a number of good things on
+    the subject of Ritualism. A High Churchman was practically an
+    unknown quantity in those parts when Bishop Walsham How first
+    went to be Rector of Whittington in 1851. The smallest
+    innovation or improvement in a service, such as are generally
+    accepted nowadays in Evangelical Churches, raised a storm of
+    protest, and the ignorance displayed by newspapers as well as by
+    private individuals is almost past belief in these days when we
+    have been satiated with articles and correspondence on "advanced
+    practices." For instance:
+
+A Wellington paper, commenting severely on the supposed ritualistic
+practices at Welsh Hampton, spoke of the Vicar as "practising the most
+unblushing celibacy."
+
+
+The same paper describing an evening service at St. Mary's, Shrewsbury,
+spoke of the vicar as walking in procession with his curate from the
+vestry and then entering the desk and beginning the evening service,
+"or, as, borrowing the language of these gentlemen, we ought more
+correctly to say, evening matins."
+
+
+A short time ago the Reverend James Hook, Vicar of Morton, was coming to
+see me by train. There were several women in the carriage, and one of
+them began to talk to the others about Whittington, asking them if they
+knew what shocking things were done in the church there. She then said
+she once went into Whittington Church and saw the host on the altar.
+There were great exclamations of horror, when Mr. Hook quietly looked up
+from his paper and said, "I beg your pardon, what did you see?" "The
+host on the altar, sir," she said. "Oh, and what was it like?" She
+hesitated and said she could not exactly describe it. He told her not to
+mind about being very exact, but would she tell him what sort of a thing
+it was? She then said she did not notice very carefully. So he then said
+he would tell her what it meant, and having done so, he told her how
+wicked it was to invent such stories. She was then frightened, and said
+with some alarm, "Well, sir, I am certain I saw two rows of candlesticks
+down the two sides of the church."
+
+
+An advertisement copied from the _Liverpool Courier_, January 1874.
+[_N.B._--This refers to a prosecution of Mr. Parnell, of St. Margaret's,
+for ritualistic practices.] "Parnell Prosecution.--A gentleman who
+intends subscribing L10 to the St. Margaret's Defence Fund is desirous
+to pair with gentleman about to subscribe the same sum towards the
+prosecution, in order to save the pockets of both. Address C. I.,
+_Courier_ Office."
+
+
+A clergyman going into a very advanced church could not make out what
+they were doing, and said he tried various parts of the Prayer-book in
+vain, and at last bethought him of "Prayers for those at sea." But this,
+too, failed, so he gave up trying.
+
+
+A clergyman going to see a parish offered him, was shown it by a farmer
+churchwarden, who in the course of conversation said, "Are there many
+Puseyites, sir, where you come from?" He answered, "Not many; are there
+many here?" Farmer: "There used to be, but they are getting scarce now."
+"How do you account for that?" Farmer: "Well, sir, the boys have taken
+the eggs." This curious reason was explained when it turned out that the
+farmer meant "peewits."
+
+
+A lady friend of mine the other day wrote to say that their clergyman
+was accused of ritualistic tendencies. She could not herself discover
+them, but she said he certainly had something on the back of his neck
+which to her looked like a button, but which she was credibly informed
+was really the thin end of the wedge.
+
+    As may be supposed a large number of the stories in Bishop
+    Walsham How's note-book refer to curious incidents and awkward
+    situations during divine service. The following are a selection
+    of anecdotes of this class, and are in almost every case
+    authentic.
+
+My grandfather, the Reverend Peter How, was Rector of Workington, in
+Cumberland, where there was (and is untouched to this day, 1878!) a
+large "three-decker" clerk's desk, reading-desk, and pulpit, one on top
+of the other, blocking up the centre of the church and, of course, all
+facing west. My grandfather was reading the prayers one Sunday, when his
+large black dog came into church and found him out, so he opened the
+door, to which is attached a small flight of steps, and the dog came in
+and lay down under the seat, unseen by the congregation, who were deeply
+ensconced in the high square pews, and at last was forgotten by his
+master. In due time the latter went to the vestry, put on his black
+gown, and ascended the pulpit, when, soon after beginning his sermon, he
+became aware that the people were all convulsed with laughter, and
+looking down over the pulpit cushion he saw his dog with its hind legs
+on the seat and its forefeet on the cushion of the reading-desk gravely
+regarding the congregation.
+
+    Another story of the Bishop's grandfather follows:
+
+My grandfather was once baptizing a small collier boy of three or four
+years old at Workington. Other children having been first baptized, he
+proceeded to baptize this boy also, but when he put the water on his
+forehead the boy turned upon him fiercely, saying, "What did you do that
+for, ye great black dog? I did nothing to you!"
+
+    Workington was also the scene of an awkward situation in which,
+    when a very young man, the Bishop found himself.
+
+When I was a deacon, and naturally shy, I was visiting my aunts in
+Workington, where my grandfather had been Rector, and was asked to
+preach on Sunday evening in St. John's, a wretched modern church--a
+plain oblong with galleries, and a pulpit like a very tall wineglass,
+with a very narrow little straight staircase leading up to it, in the
+middle of the east part of the church. When the hymn before the sermon
+was given out I went as usual to the vestry to put on the black gown.
+Not knowing that the clergyman generally stayed there till the end of
+the hymn, I emerged as soon as I had thus vested myself and walked to
+the pulpit and ascended the stairs. When nearly at the summit, to my
+horror I discovered a very fat beadle in the pulpit lighting the
+candles. We could not possibly pass on the stairs, and the eyes of the
+whole congregation were upon me. It would be ignominious to retreat. So
+after a few minutes' reflection I saw my way out of the difficulty,
+which I overcame by a very simple mechanical contrivance. I entered the
+pulpit, which exactly fitted the beadle and myself, and then face to
+face we executed a rotatory movement to the extent of a semi-circle,
+when the beadle finding himself next the door of the pulpit was enabled
+to descend, and I remained master of the situation.
+
+
+When curate at Kidderminster, I had on one occasion to baptize nine
+children at once. The ninth was a boy of nearly two years of age, and
+was taken up and put into my arms. This he stoutly resisted, beginning
+immediately to kick with all his might. His clothes being very loose
+and very short, he very soon kicked himself all but out of them, but I
+had got him fast by his clothes and his head, and was repeating the
+words of reception into the Church with as much gravity as I could
+command, when his mother, possessing a strong maternal appreciation of
+the fair proportions of her lively offspring and a relatively weak
+appreciation of the solemnity of the occasion, remarked aloud to me,
+with a gratified smile, "He's a nice little lump, sir, isn't he?"
+
+
+The Earl of Powis, among his many acts of generous kindness, has given
+substantial aid to the Rev. C. F. Lowder's very poor district of St.
+Peter's, London Docks. He went to the laying of the stone of the church
+there, and just as the ceremony was about to begin a bottle was handed
+by some one to Mr. Lowder. He could not make it out, and consulted Lord
+Powis, who at last ingeniously suggested that, as it looked like oil, it
+was probably intended for the anointing of the stone. So they agreed to
+pour it quietly on the stone then and there. The smell that arose was
+dreadful, but the service began, and very few had noticed the bottle.
+In the evening an old woman, a former parishioner, came up to Mr.
+Lowder, and asked after his rheumatism, and said she hoped he got the
+bottle. On his saying, "Oh, yes, it reached me quite safely," she
+explained that it was a wonderful cure for rheumatism, which she had
+manufactured herself.
+
+    If an ingenious way was on this occasion found out of a
+    difficulty, what about the next?
+
+When Archbishop Longley was Bishop of Durham, he was one day obliged to
+absent himself from the prayers in his chapel, and asked an old
+clergyman who happened to be there to read the prayers. It happened that
+the first lesson was Judges V., and in reading verse 17 the poor old
+clergyman, mindful of the presence of Mrs. and the Miss Longleys,
+modestly altered the last word and read, "Asher continued on the
+sea-shore, and abode in his garments." This was told me by a daughter of
+Archbishop Longley.
+
+
+A former vicar of Newbiggin received a message one Sunday morning from
+a neighbouring clergyman, who had been taken ill, to ask if he could
+provide for his duty. So he sent to his curate (my brother-in-law) to
+tell him he should not be at church that morning, ordered his carriage,
+and put an old sermon, which he had no time to look at, in his pocket.
+When he began to preach he soon found out that the sermon was one which
+he had preached on bidding farewell to his first curacy. For a page or
+two he tried to omit the more pointed allusions to the occasion of its
+previous use (which must have been many years before), but, to quote his
+own account, "I soon found that wouldn't do, as it was all about it, so
+I spoke boldly of the close of my twelve years' ministry among them, and
+I do assure you, sir, I left many of the congregation in tears."
+
+    A somewhat similar story comes a little later in the book, but
+    must be placed here:
+
+A shy, nervous clergyman near Bradford was about to help a friend by
+reading the prayers when a message came to say that a neighbouring
+incumbent was taken ill and to ask for help. The rector could not go, so
+the friend had to be sent, but, having no sermon with him, he borrowed
+one from the rector, who wrote a clear good hand. He selected one well
+written, of which the subject was "the value of time," and meant to read
+it over on the way, but eventually did not like to do so as he sat
+beside a servant who drove him over. So it happened that he had to read
+it for the first time in the pulpit. He got on very well till he came to
+a sentence saying that, as the parish possessed no church clock, it was
+his intention to present one. He was too nervous to omit the sentence,
+and (I was assured at Bradford) did actually present the promised clock,
+which cost L70.
+
+    Here is another authentic sermon story:
+
+While an undergraduate at Oxford I went with some friends to hear a
+somewhat noted Evangelical preacher preach for the Church Missionary
+Society at St. Peter's Church. He was exceedingly affected and
+bombastic, and, having tickled us undergraduates a good deal by his
+manner, at last produced a complete explosion by involving himself in a
+hopeless difficulty by a metaphor after this fashion: "When I
+contemplate the great human family I am often reminded of some mighty
+river. See how it draws its tribute of many waters from many a distant
+land, many a mountain range, and many a wide moor-land, sending their
+ever-growing streams to swell the noble river as it pursues its way down
+the valley, till all these various tributaries converging into one great
+volume, it pours its glorious flood into the bosom of the boundless
+ocean! Such, my brethren, is the race of man." Here the preacher paused,
+and it was quite obvious to every one that he saw that his metaphor was
+just the wrong way up! So he coughed and hemmed, and changed the
+subject.
+
+
+At Uffington, near Shrewsbury, during the incumbency of the Rev. J.
+Hopkins, the choir and organist, having been dissatisfied with some
+arrangement, determined not to take part in the service. So when the
+clerk, according to the usual custom of those days, gave out the hymn,
+there was dead silence. This lasted a little while, and then the clerk,
+unable to bear it, rose up and appealed to the congregation, saying most
+imploringly, "Them as _can_ sing _do_ ye sing: it's misery to be a
+this'n" (Shropshire for "in this way").
+
+
+Canon B---- was on a voyage to Egypt in a Cunard steamer, and on Sunday,
+in the Bay of Biscay, he undertook to hold a service. He read one of the
+sentences, and said "Dearly beloved brethren, the Scripture moveth us in
+sundry places," when he had to bolt and collapse. He told me he thought
+this a record service for brevity.
+
+
+At St. Saviour's, Hoxton, the daily prayer is held in the south chancel
+aisle. The Vicar, the Rev. John Oakley, having to go out, left the
+evening service at 8.30 to a curate, but, returning home at 8.50,
+thought he would step in to the west end of the church and be in time
+for the end of the service. When he went in, to his dismay he saw a few
+women kneeling in the accustomed place but no clergyman. Concluding that
+the curate had forgotten, he rapidly passed up the north aisle to the
+vestry, slipped on a surplice, went across to the south side and read
+the service. He afterwards found that the curate had already done so,
+but, being in a hurry, had somewhat shortened it, and had left the
+church a minute before he (Mr. O.) arrived. The good women who always
+knelt some time at the close of the service thus did double duty that
+evening.
+
+
+At Kensington parish church one of the curates asked for the prayers of
+the congregation for "a family crossing the Atlantic, and other sick
+persons."
+
+
+At Wolstanton in the Potteries there was a somewhat fussy verger called
+Oakes. On one occasion just at the time of year when it was doubtful
+whether lights would be wanted or no, and when they had not yet been
+lighted for evening service, a stranger, who was a very smart young
+clergyman, was reading the lessons and had some difficulty in seeing. He
+had on a pair of delicate lavender kid gloves. The verger, perceiving
+his difficulty, went to the vestry, got two candles, lighted them, and
+walked to the lectern, before which he stood solemnly holding the
+candles (without candlesticks) in his hands. This was sufficiently
+trying to the congregation, but suddenly some one rattled the latch of
+the west door, when Oakes, feeling that it was absolutely necessary to
+go and see what was the matter, thrust the two candles into the poor
+young clergyman's delicately gloved hands, and left him!
+
+
+A clergyman in a church in Lancashire gave out as his text, "The devil
+as a roaring lion goeth about seeking whom he may devour," and then
+added, "The Bishop of Manchester has announced his intention of visiting
+all the parishes in the diocese, and hopes to visit this parish on such
+a date."
+
+
+A former young curate of Stoke being very anxious to do things
+rubrically, insisted on the ring being put on the "fourth finger" at a
+wedding he took. The woman resisted and said, "I would rather die than
+be married on my little finger." The curate said, "But the rubric says
+so," whereupon the _deus ex machina_ appeared in the shape of the parish
+clerk, who stepped forward and said, "In these cases, sir, the thoomb
+counts as a digit."
+
+
+The rector of Thornhill near Dewsbury, on one occasion could not get the
+woman to say, "obey," in the marriage service, and he repeated the word
+with a strong stress on each syllable, saying, "You must say, _O-bey_."
+Whereupon the man interfered and said, "Never mind; go on, parson. I'll
+mak' her say 'O' by-and-by."
+
+
+At the church of Strathfieldsaye, where the Duke of Wellington was a
+regular attendant, a stranger was preaching, and the verger when he
+ended came up the stairs, opened the pulpit door a little way, slammed
+it to, and then opened it wide for the preacher to go out. He asked in
+the vestry why he had shut the door again while opening it, and the
+verger said, "We always do that sir, to wake the duke."
+
+
+Mr. Ibbetson, of St. Michael's, Walthamstow, was marrying a couple when
+the ring was found to be too tight. A voice from behind exclaimed, "Suck
+your finger, you fool."
+
+    Two or three stories about vergers naturally find a place here.
+    Possibly some of them are well known, but, even so, they will
+    bear repetition.
+
+A gentleman going to see a ritualistic church in London was walking
+into the chancel when an official stepped forward and said, "You mustn't
+go in there." "Why not?" said the gentleman. "I'm put here to stop you,"
+said the man. "Oh! I see," said the gentleman, "you're what they call
+the _rude_ screen, aren't you?"
+
+
+A clergyman in the diocese of Wakefield told me that when he first came
+to the parish he found things in a very neglected state, and among other
+changes he introduced an early celebration of the Holy Communion. An old
+clerk collected the offertory, and when he brought it up to the
+clergyman he said, "There's eight on 'em, but two 'asn't paid."
+
+
+A verger was showing a lady over a church when she asked him if the
+vicar was a married man. "No, ma'am," he answered, "he's a chalybeate."
+
+
+A verger showing a large church to a stranger, pointed out another man
+and said, "That is the other verger." The gentleman said, "I did not
+know there were two of you," and the verger replied, "Oh yes, sir, he
+werges up one side of the church and I werges up the other."
+
+    Two little stories connected with Bishop Walsham How's episcopal
+    life may well conclude the anecdotes about vergers. The Bishop's
+    dislike of ostentation was well known. He caused much amusement
+    on one occasion when living in London, by frustrating the
+    designs of a pompous verger. It had been this man's custom to
+    meet the Bishop at the door of the church, and precede him up
+    the centre aisle _en route_ for the vestry, thus making a little
+    extra procession of his own. One day the Bishop, after handing
+    this verger his bag, let him go on his way up the centre of the
+    church, and himself slipped off up a side aisle, and gained the
+    vestry unobserved, while the verger marched up in a solemn
+    procession of _one_!
+
+    The other story occurs in the note-book, and runs as follows:
+
+On my first visit to Almondbury to preach, the verger came to me in the
+vestry, and said, "A've put a platform in t' pulpit for ye; you'll
+excuse me, but a little man looks as if he was in a toob." (N.B. To
+prevent undue inferences I am five feet nine inches in height.)
+
+    Bishop Walsham How's love of children was well known, and it is
+    not surprising to find a large number of stories about them in
+    his note-book. These stories are mainly of two kinds, those
+    relating to answers made in Sunday school, &c., and those of a
+    more general nature.
+
+    Some examples of the latter follow, but it must be borne in mind
+    that these stories have, many of them, become well known owing
+    to the Bishop's fondness of telling them. If he was not able to
+    enjoy children's society, the next best thing was to talk about
+    them.
+
+A very little girl, when taken to church, always knelt down reverently
+to say a short prayer when she went in. Her mother, not having taught
+her any prayer to say at that time, asked her to tell her what she said.
+The child answered that she always prayed that there might be no Litany.
+
+
+A little boy had a German nursery governess, and told her he thought she
+ought to learn Hebrew. On her saying she didn't see the use of that, he
+explained that it was that she might say her prayers properly, for he
+was sure God knew Hebrew, but he didn't think He could be expected to
+understand German.
+
+
+A child being taken to the seaside for the first time, was asked how she
+liked it, and in answer said it was very beautiful, but she didn't see
+"all the tinnimies," an expectation due to her private version of the
+Fourth Commandment.
+
+
+I recollect, when a child, being exceedingly interested and affected by
+a story which used to be read to me from a small periodical--I think it
+was called the _Magazine for the Young_--about two boys who went to
+school. Their names were Master Cruelty and Master Innocent Sweetlove,
+the former taking with him to school a bow and arrow, and the latter a
+dove in a cage and a lute. The natural result followed, Master Cruelty
+shooting Master Innocent Sweetlove's dove, and the latter thereupon
+taking his lute into the churchyard, and, seated on a tombstone,
+solacing his grief with mournful music. This seemed to me very
+beautiful!
+
+
+One of the children of the Vicar of St. Peter's, Eaton Square, told his
+father he thought some of the things they collected for in church were
+very silly. He could not think why they should have a collection for the
+Bishop of London's fun.
+
+
+Archdeacon Denison told me that his brother, when a boy, among many bits
+of mischief did the following: His father was very fond of pictures, and
+had one of the death of Isaac in which the patriarch appeared lying on a
+couch in a splendid crimson damask tent supported by four Corinthian
+pillars, with a beautiful white damask table-cloth spread on the table
+before him. Through the tent door you saw Esau running after a stag
+while Jacob was bringing in the savoury meat. The offender one day
+carefully painted on the corner of the table-cloth "Isaac 6."
+
+
+A boy being asked whether he always said his prayers, said, "Yes, always
+at night." He was then asked, "And why not in the morning?" To which he
+answered, "Because a strong boy of nine, like me, ought to be able to
+take care of himself in the daytime."
+
+
+Two little boys, grandchildren of a former vicar of Great Yarmouth, were
+looking at some pictures in a copy of "Bunyan's Holy War," and found one
+of the devil chained. One of them asked his mother whether the devil was
+chained, and, being told "no," asked whether he ever would be. To this
+she answered, "Yes, some day." The boy replied, "When he is, need we say
+our prayers?"
+
+    The Bishop had a niece who is head-mistress of the Godolphin
+    High School at Salisbury, and the following story was told him
+    by her.
+
+A child at the school asked if there were any saints now. The mistress
+replied that she hoped there were many, on which the child said, "Then,
+I suppose they've left off wearing those hats," by which she meant the
+_nimbus_.
+
+    The next story is told of a little great-niece of the Bishop
+    called Molly.
+
+Little Molly, aged four, after saying her prayers one evening to her
+aunt, remarked, "There's no one to make you say your prayers as you make
+me." "No," her aunt said, "we don't want any one to make us, for we like
+saying our prayers." "Do you?" said Molly, "Then I wish you'd ask God
+not to let my goloshes fall off so often."
+
+
+A little girl unused to surpliced choirs, on seeing such a choir enter
+the church, whispered in dismay to her mother, "They're not _all_ going
+to preach, are they?"
+
+    The Bishop was chairman of the Committee of the Society for
+    providing Homes for Waifs and Strays, and in connection with
+    this work told the following story:
+
+Some children kept some hens, and were allowed to sell the eggs for the
+"Waifs and Strays." One Sunday morning they brought nine eggs in to
+their father and mother, and said, "We did give it out to the hens that
+there would be a collection to-day."
+
+    The annual children's parties which the Bishop delighted to
+    give were great events, and the following incident which
+    occurred at one of them must find a place here:
+
+At a children's party given by me shortly after the death of Archbishop
+Thompson we had a Punch and Judy to amuse the children. The man who
+showed it came up to my son before the performance and said that he had
+heard that I had been at the Archbishop's funeral, and perhaps I should
+prefer his leaving out the coffin scene!
+
+    Here are some odd notions about the unseen world which were
+    developed in the brains of some of the Bishop's little friends:
+
+Little Rupert B----, aged just three, one day when it was raining, said
+to his father that he did not think heaven could be a nice place to live
+in. "Why not?" asked his father. "Because," he answered, "the floor is
+all full of holes and lets the water through." Before he was three a
+little baby sister was born, and he was taken into his mother's room to
+see her. "Where did it come from?" he asked. His mother said, "God sent
+it us." "Then," said Rupert, "I suppose it is a sort of an angel." His
+mother explained that it was only a baby. "Hasn't it got any wings?" he
+asked, and on being told "No," added, "Hasn't it got any feathers at
+all?"
+
+
+A little boy, hearing the hymn read which says,
+
+  "Satan trembles when he sees
+  The feeblest saint upon his knees,"
+
+asked, "Why does Satan let the saint sit on his knees if it makes him
+tremble?"
+
+
+A little girl who had been taking raspberries in the garden was talked
+to by her mother, and told to resist the temptation. She afterwards
+appeared with evident signs of having been again among the raspberries,
+and, when her mother asked her how it was that she had not resisted the
+temptation, she said that when she was looking at the raspberries she
+did say "Get thee behind me, Satan," and he got behind her and pushed
+her in.
+
+
+A very little girl was asked, "Who made you?" She answered very
+reverently, "God," and then, looking shocked, whispered, "Nurse says He
+made me naked."
+
+
+On my visit to Illingworth to consecrate a new chancel in 1889, the
+churchwarden gave a luncheon party, and his little boy, aged nine, told
+my chaplain that he wanted to go to church to be confirmed. The chaplain
+told him it was not a confirmation but a consecration, whereupon the
+small boy said he didn't care which it was so long as he was done.
+
+
+A little cousin of mine when very small was asked who was the first man,
+to which he promptly answered "Adam." He was next asked who was the
+first woman, when he thought a little, and then hesitatingly suggested
+"Madam."
+
+
+Bishop Knight Bruce's little boy accounted for the number of fleas in
+South Africa by saying, "God made lots and lots of people, so you see He
+_had_ to make lots and lots of fleas."
+
+
+A little girl, known to Mr. Edward Clifford, hearing much of the praise
+of stylishness, once prayed, "O Lord, make me stylish."
+
+    When the Bishop was rector of Whittington he was a most
+    diligent teacher in the village school, going there from nine to
+    ten almost every morning. He was also for some years a diocesan
+    inspector of schools. He was, therefore, keenly alive to the
+    numberless mistakes and misapprehensions of children, and
+    recorded in his note-book a large number of absurd answers which
+    he either heard himself or of which he was told by friends. A
+    selection of these is given here.
+
+In examining the schools of the deanery of Oswestry I once visited
+Selattyn school, and set four questions for the senior class to answer
+in writing. They were, (1) "What do you know about Tarsus?" (2) "Why did
+St. Paul go to Damascus?" (3) "What is the meaning of Asia in the New
+Testament?" (4) "What happened at Lystra?" The following is a copy of
+one paper sent in:
+
+John Jones, 12 last birthday, a teacher in Selattyn. Tarsus was a man
+which could not walked from his mother womb and he used to go to the
+temple every day and St. Paul heal him St. Paul said to tartus I say
+unto thee arise so Tarsus sat up and leap and walked.
+
+St. Paul went to Damascus to preach to the Gentiles. Asia means the
+place where they ended when they started from Antiock to Asia.
+
+It happened at Lystra that the two seas met and the soldiers cut the
+ropes.
+
+
+The Vicar of King Cross, Halifax, asked a class of boys what was the
+difference between a priest and a deacon, and one boy said the deacon
+only wore that thing over one shoulder. The Vicar asked why he did so,
+and after some hesitation another boy answered, "Because he hasn't put
+both shoulders to the wheel."
+
+
+At Almondbury in 1897 a class of boys were asked the meaning of an
+Archangel, and one boy suggested "One of the angels that came out of the
+Ark."
+
+
+The Rev. T. F. Dale, when in India teaching in his school, asked the
+boys what is the meaning of faith. A European boy answered, "When you
+believe something you are quite sure isn't true."
+
+
+A lady was explaining to a class the passage "Not with eye-service as
+men-pleasers," and asked the children if they knew what eye-service
+meant. One girl suggested, "service in 'igh families."
+
+
+Mr. B---- of Stamford, in a Teachers' Meeting, urged his Sunday School
+teachers not to take it for granted that their scholars knew the meaning
+of words, and illustrated his caution by the word "Epiphany," telling
+them that they should always explain that it meant "manifestation."
+Shortly afterwards the diocesan inspector was examining the day school
+and accidentally asked what "Epiphany" meant. One little girl said, "A
+railway porter, sir." The inspector asking what made her think that. She
+said her teacher had told her it meant the "man at the station."
+
+
+A lady being anxious to teach a new little kitchen-maid something of the
+Bible, rightly thought she must find out what she knew. So she asked her
+if she knew about our Lord, and she said "No." So she thought she must
+begin at the very beginning, and told the girl she would read to her
+about God making the world. The girl sat perfectly stolid and
+unintelligent till they came to the serpent tempting Eve, when she
+suddenly exclaimed, "I remember summat about that snike." This was her
+_summa theologiae_.
+
+
+A child in a school was asked what he knew about Solomon, and said, "He
+was very fond of animals." Being asked what made him think so, he said,
+"Because he had three hundred porcupines."
+
+    Here is a very up-to-date little story: did it happen in
+    Leicester?
+
+Teacher: "Why did they hide Moses in the bulrushes?"
+
+Answer: "Because they didn't want him to be vaccinated."
+
+
+My cousin, Mr. G. F. King, teaching a class of little London boys one
+Sunday, was questioning them about the parable of the Good Samaritan,
+and asked them what it was that the man "fell among." He tried to get
+them to remember by saying that it was a dangerous road to travel along,
+when one little boy held up his hand. My cousin said, "Well, what did he
+fall among?" and the little boy replied, "Buses."
+
+    An anachronism:
+
+The Duke of York lately visited Leeds, and there were large crowds in
+the streets. Shortly afterwards one of the clergy was questioning some
+little children about the birth of our Lord, and asked, "How came there
+to be so many people at Bethlehem at that time?" One of the children
+replied, "Please, sir, the Duke of York was there."
+
+
+At Denbigh a girl at Howell's school was reading St. Matt. v. 41 to the
+rector of Henllan, and gave it thus: "And whosoever shall compel thee to
+go a mile, go with him by train."
+
+
+Mr. Castley, curate of Marsden, questioning the children in the school
+as to the history of St. Stephen, asked what it was of which he was
+accused before the Council. A boy replied, "Looking after the widows."
+
+
+When the diocesan inspector was examining the Cathedral Schools,
+Wakefield, in 1895, he asked the children what Moses said when God told
+him to go and speak to Pharaoh. One child answered, "Our Aaron would do
+it better."
+
+    The next story was an experience of the Bishop's own when he
+    was rector of Whittington:
+
+I once set a class of girls in our school to write the life of Solomon.
+When I looked over the exercises I found one girl began, "Solomon slept
+with his fathers," and went on after that with his history. On
+questioning her I found she thought it meant that Solomon when a child
+slept in his father's bed.
+
+
+Another girl at the same time brought me a new and wonderful judgment of
+Solomon in the following words: "The Queen of Sheba was as wise a woman
+as Solomon was a man. She brought a hundred children, fifty boys and
+fifty girls, to Solomon, all dressed the same, to see if he could tell
+which was which. So Solomon commanded water to be brought and bade them
+wash; whereupon the girls washed up to their elbows, but the boys only
+washed up to their wrists. So Solomon knew which was boys and which was
+girls."
+
+
+The headmaster of the Wakefield Grammar School in an examination-paper
+on general knowledge asked, "Who was John Wesley?" One boy answered as
+follows: "John Wesley invented Methodist chapels, and afterwards became
+Duke of Wellington."
+
+
+My daughter was teaching a class of boys at Upper Clapton just before
+the boat race, when she saw one of the boys tear a page out of his
+Bible, crumple it up, and throw it away. She said, "What are you doing?"
+to which the boy replied quite demurely, "I'm for Oxford, and this Bible
+was printed at Cambridge, and I'm not going to use a Bible with
+Cambridge in it."
+
+
+The Vicar of St. Augustine's, South Hackney, turned a boy out of his
+class one Sunday for misbehaviour. Next Sunday the boy appeared again in
+his class, when the vicar said, "Wasn't it you I put out last Sunday?"
+The boy at once replied, "No, sir, I think it was the gas."
+
+
+A boy in an examination, being asked to give an account of the Sadducees
+and Publicans, wrote, "The Sadducees did not believe in spirits, but the
+Publicans _did_."
+
+    Here follows another story which, in common with the last two or
+    three, was noted by the Bishop during the time of his
+    suffragan-episcopate for East London.
+
+The diocesan inspector was examining a very young class in the St. Mary
+Axe Ward School, and asked, "What became of Adam and Eve when they were
+turned out of the Garden of Eden?" To which a little girl answered,
+"They went to the workhouse, sir."
+
+
+In a school examination the question was set, "Explain the meaning of a
+Bishop, Priest, and Deacon." One boy answered, "I never saw a Bishop, so
+I don't know. A Priest is a man in the Old Testament. A Deacon is a
+thing you pile up on the top of a hill, and set fire to it."
+
+
+A boy, being asked for the derivation of Pontifex, said, "It is derived
+from _pons_ a bridge, and means the Chief Priest, just as we say
+_Arch_bishop."
+
+
+Some children in an Irish school were asked the meaning of "He that
+exalteth himself shall be abased," when one of them replied, "Turned
+into horses or cows."
+
+
+A Confirmation having been held in a Yorkshire village, some children
+were seen very busy in the road making a church with mud. A passer-by
+asked them where the bishop was, and they said they hadn't got mook
+enough to mak' a beeshop.
+
+
+A boy in Christ Church, Albany Street, School when asked, "What are the
+Ember weeks?" answered, "The weeks when we pray for the young gentlemen
+who are afraid of not passing their examination."
+
+
+Prizes have for several years been offered for the best essays by
+children on subjects set the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
+Animals. In 1893, in answer to the question, "What passages in Holy
+Scripture bear upon cruelty to animals?" one boy said, "Cruel people
+often cut dogs' tails and ears, but the Bible says, 'Those whom God hath
+joined together, let no man put asunder.'" Another boy, in reply to the
+question, "Why should you be kind to animals?" said, "If you are very
+kind to a dog he will follow you to the grave at your funeral."
+
+    The next two stories are not of exactly the same nature, but so
+    closely relate to the subject of children and schools that they
+    may be fittingly inserted here.
+
+I met an officer once who was relating his experiences of Sunday School
+teaching. He said he met an old schoolfellow one day who was a
+clergyman, and who persuaded him to spend a Sunday with him. In the
+morning his friend told him that he must come and take a class of boys
+in the Sunday School. This he protested he could not, and would not, do,
+but was finally over-persuaded, his friend lending him a commentary, and
+telling him he had only to keep the class quiet, as he would his own
+men, hear them read a chapter, and ask them a few questions which he
+would find in the notes of the commentary. "All went well," he said,
+"till we had read the chapter through, when I tried to find the
+questions. I managed to ask one or two, which I found they answered in a
+moment, so in my despair I thought I would take them into the Old
+Testament, and now I was more lucky, for I asked them, 'Boys, who was
+Mephistopheles?' Well, would you believe it, there wasn't a boy of them
+that knew! And wasn't I glad! I didn't know anything about him myself,
+you know, except that he was one of the old patriarchs, but it got me
+out of this trouble, for, though the time wasn't half up, I closed the
+Bible with a bang and exclaimed, 'Boys! I can teach you no more. Go home
+and search the Scriptures!'"
+
+
+A clergyman living at Rainbow Hill, Worcester, in visiting his parish,
+called on the mother of one of the girls in the Church School, who,
+being rather "superior," told him she thought a parish school was not
+quite suited to Florrie, and, as she was rather delicate, she had
+decided to take her away and send her to a young ladies' cemetery.
+
+    Besides the mistakes made by children, the Bishop not
+    unnaturally collected a number of curious answers made in
+    examination papers by older people. The candidates for
+    ordination in the Wakefield diocese supplied some of these, and
+    others he was told by his brother-bishops. Some of these stories
+    were told in the "Memoir of Bishop Walsham How," and others may
+    be well known, but they form an important part of the Bishop's
+    note-book, and must not be omitted here.
+
+    The following are answers made in writing by different
+    candidates for ordination:
+
+A number of words were given for explanation, and among them was
+"cherub." One man wrote, "A cherub is an infant angel, who died before
+baptism, and will undoubtedly be saved."
+
+
+Another question was, "How may St. Paul's Epistles be grouped?" One
+answer was, "St. Paul's Epistles may be divided into two groups, those
+he wrote before his conversion and those he wrote after."
+
+
+Another candidate rather surprised the examiner by stating that "in the
+early Church, before a person was baptized, he was obliged to learn a
+catechumen."
+
+
+Another, to the question "Who were the Ophites?" gave the interesting
+answer that "the Ophites were people who walked by sight and not by
+faith, the word being derived from the Greek word for to see."
+
+
+In the Ripon diocese an ordination candidate, in answer to the question,
+"What religious sects have been founded during the last two centuries?"
+gave a list which included "the Ecclesiastical Commissioners."
+
+
+An ordination candidate, being asked in a paper on doctrine to write out
+the Nicene Creed, wrote (with a magnificent grasp of faith), "I believe
+in all things visible and invisible."
+
+
+The Vice-President of the Liverpool Philomathic Society vouches for the
+story that, in answer to the question "Define a parable," an examinee
+wrote, "A parable is a heavenly story with no earthly meaning."
+
+
+A young man having attended some University Extension lectures on
+physiology, remarked to his clergyman how much light they threw on many
+things. "For instance," he said, "I never understood one of the Collects
+in the Prayer-book, which speaks of 'both our hearts,' before. But I see
+now that it refers to the right and the left ventricle."
+
+    Here is another physiological story:
+
+The late Canon Lyttelton, of Gloucester, when rector of Hagley, was fond
+of scientific teaching, and formed a class in his school for physiology.
+After a few lectures he received a letter from the mother of one of his
+pupils, saying, "Reverend sir, Please not to teach our Susan anything
+more about her inside; it makes her so proud."
+
+
+In a paper on practical subjects one of the questions asked what rules
+for almsgiving could be recommended. One of the candidates advised a
+plan he had seen of having about six boxes in the house, and sending
+them round at meals for various charities according to the viands on the
+table. Thus, when the fish was served the box for the Deep Sea Fisheries
+would be sent round, and when pineapples were being eaten that for the
+S.P.G.
+
+
+In answer to the question, "What is a churchwarden?" one of the
+Battersea College students wrote, "A churchwarden is a godly layman, who
+appropriates the money of the offertory, and acts as a check upon the
+extravagance of the parochial clergy."
+
+
+A friend of mine, when taking missions in Australia, met a clergyman in
+Victoria who had an old Sunday-school teacher, a man who had taught for
+thirty years, and who asked him one day whether infant baptism was not
+invented by Philo at the Council of Trent.
+
+
+The Warden of University College, Durham, asks the young men of the
+College to breakfast occasionally. One day, when a few of them were at
+his table, the following conversation took place: Warden to student,
+"Have you ever read the Apocrypha?" Student to Warden, "Not all, sir."
+Warden, "How much have you read?" Student, "Oh, not much, sir." Warden,
+"Have you read the Maccabees?" Student, "No, sir." Warden, "Or Esdras?"
+Student, "No, sir." Warden, "Or Wisdom?" Student, "No, sir." Warden,
+"Well, have you read Bell and the Dragon?" Student, "Oh yes, sir, I've
+read part of that." Warden, "How much?" Student, "Three chapters, I
+think." Warden, "Then you've read more than any of us, for there is
+only one chapter." Poor student!
+
+
+In one of the examination papers I set as examining chaplain to Bishop
+Selwyn of Lichfield, it being Michaelmas, I asked the candidates to give
+an outline of a sermon upon the text, "Are they not all ministering
+spirits?" One man wrote as follows: "I should consider this a good text
+for a sermon for the Additional Curates' Society or the Church Pastoral
+Aid. I should begin by describing in what our ministrations consist, and
+should speak of the privilege of being called to minister to others. I
+should then go on to speak of the heirs of salvation to whom we
+minister, and I should conclude with an earnest appeal to the
+congregation to provide funds for the sending forth of more such
+ministering spirits."
+
+
+A candidate for ordination was asked what he knew of St. Bartholomew,
+and wrote, "He was almost, if not quite, identical with Nathanael."
+
+
+Bishop Bickersteth of Ripon had occasion to reject a conceited young
+deacon who was a candidate for priest's orders, and when the bishop
+told him of his failure, he said, "I suppose, my Lord, you know that
+Ambrose was made a bishop, though only a deacon." "Yes," the bishop
+replied, "and I quite think that if ever _you_ are made a bishop it will
+be direct from the diaconate."
+
+
+Archdeacon Bather, who was a great educationist, went into his parish
+school one day where there was an old and not highly educated master,
+who was giving an oral lesson on the English language, in which, he said
+to his class, there are many words pronounced the same, but spelt quite
+different. "Now," he said, "there's the word 'har.' There's the har you
+breathe, and the har of your head, and the har that runs in the fields,
+and the har to an estate, all spelt quite different, but all pronounced
+the same."
+
+
+The Bishop of Brisbane, when he was in England before his consecration,
+was examining in one of the Oxford Local examinations. He set the
+candidates to write out the Fourth Commandment. One wrote, "Six days
+shall thy neighbour do all that thou hast to do, and the seventh day
+thou shalt do no manner of work."
+
+    A number of stories in the Bishop's note-book are connected with
+    Scotland and Ireland. Both of these countries were resorted to
+    from time to time by him for purposes of the annual fishing
+    holiday, and it is not too much to say that he made many friends
+    in each among the ghillies and others who accompanied him on his
+    various excursions on loch and riverside. Great was the
+    amusement of two Highland boatmen, who many years ago were
+    rowing him on a Sutherlandshire loch, when during an hour when
+    the fish were very "stiff," he sang them, "Hame cam our gude mon
+    at e'en," an old Scotch ballad by Wilson. The Irish boatmen, he
+    used to think, were more melancholy, and he expressed his
+    surprise at the character for rollicking fun which is often
+    given them in books. At the same time he now and then drew out a
+    real witticism, and more than once he notes with delight a real
+    Irish "bull." Here are some of the stories, not all gleaned from
+    the actual countries, but all referring to persons of these two
+    nationalities:
+
+An Irish clergyman, a neighbour of mine, thought it his duty to speak to
+a lady who had unhappily lost her faith in Christianity, and after a few
+arguments he ended by saying, "Well, you will go to hell, you know, and
+I shall be very sorry indeed to see you there."
+
+
+A well-known Irish judge in the Insolvent Court once detected a witness
+kissing his thumb instead of the Book in taking the oath, and in
+rebuking him sternly said, "You may think to deceive God, sir, but you
+won't deceive _me_."
+
+
+The Reverend G. B----, of Bridgenorth, told me that on a recent visit to
+Ireland he heard a preacher conclude his sermon with these words: "My
+brethren, let not this world rob you of a peace which it can neither
+give nor take away."
+
+
+At the conclusion of the Irish Church Disestablishment in the House of
+Commons an enthusiastic Irish member got up and thanked God that at last
+the bridge was broken down which had so long separated Catholics and
+Protestants in Ireland.
+
+
+An Englishman was driving through a beautiful glen in county Wicklow,
+and asked the driver the name of the valley, to which he replied, "Sure,
+and it's the divil's glen, yer honour." A little further on the stranger
+again asked, and the driver said, "Sure, and it's still the divil's
+glen, yer honour." They afterwards drove through another valley, and the
+stranger said, "And pray what do you call this?" "It's the divil's
+kitchen, yer honour," was the reply. The stranger then remarked, "He
+seems to have a good deal of property in these parts." "Indade, yer
+honour, he has," said the driver, "but he's mostly an absentee, and
+lives in London."
+
+
+An Irish professor created a laugh, when called upon to speak at the
+Birmingham Church Congress, by beginning, with a rich brogue, "Before I
+begin to speak, let me say----" No one heard any more of the sentence.
+
+
+At Bishop Lonsdale's first Ordination at his palace at Eccleshall there
+were a large number of young men, and at dinner a young Irish deacon
+called out from the other end of the table to the Bishop, "Me Lord, do
+you happen to have read my sermon on Justification by Faith?" "No," said
+the Bishop, "I don't happen to have met with it; but surely, Mr. ----,
+you have chosen rather a difficult subject." "Not at all, me Lord," the
+young deacon called out, "and when you've read my sermon you'll find no
+difficulty in the subject at all!"
+
+
+A former Dean (an Irishman) in one of his sermons, speaking, as he often
+did, disparagingly of the Fathers of the early Church, said, "As for
+unanimity, there was no unanimity in any one of them." In another sermon
+the same dignitary spoke about "Standing on the seashore and watching
+the ever-receding horizon." Again, in another he urged his hearers to
+"take their immovable stand on the onward path of progress."
+
+
+An Irishman of a certain church in Shrewsbury spoke one day of "the
+narrow way in which there was only room for one to walk abreast."
+
+
+A certain clergyman, who was preaching a sermon on behalf of a new
+burial ground in a large parish, spoke of the sad condition of a
+population of thirty thousand souls living without Christian burial.
+
+
+I was driving in a car from Glengariff to Killarney with a friend, and,
+on starting, a ragged boy on an old white horse rode by our side joking
+with the driver. My friend spoke to the boy, and said, "Are you the
+boots at the inn at Glengariff?" To which the boy answered instantly
+with a grin, "Did yer honour pay the boots? For, if you didn't, I am."
+
+    This ready reply is matched by the following story which again
+    shows the readiness to seize an opportunity of personal
+    advantage.
+
+Bishop Wigram of Rochester insisted on his clergy shaving, and when his
+successor, Bishop Claughton, came to confirm in Oswestry he sat at
+luncheon opposite to an Irish curate who had a large beard. The bishop,
+as a joke, looked across the table and said, "You know, Mr.----, if you
+came into my diocese you would have to shave off your beard." To which
+came the instant reply, "Me Lord, I accept the condition!"
+
+
+At a Retreat which I conducted in 1894 one of the services was given out
+to be held a quarter of an hour earlier than on the printed time-table.
+An elderly clergyman had not heard this and came in at the printed hour,
+and found us singing a hymn. He found a seat and then whispered to his
+neighbour with a strong brogue, "Is this the end of the last service, or
+the beginning of the next?"
+
+
+I once heard an Irish clergyman preaching at Barmouth, in recounting the
+mercies for which we ought to be thankful, speak of "deliverance from
+savage wild beasts and noxious insects of the night."
+
+    An instance of an Irish bull, which was of so natural a kind
+    that it might have been made by any one, occurred when the
+    Bishop and some of his sons were waiting at Athenry Station. Two
+    farmers were overheard talking, and one said, "Will you be going
+    by the first train to-morrow" To which came the reply, "There's
+    no first train from here at all!"
+
+    There are in the note-book a large number of entries under the
+    heading of "Taurology," but most of the stories are already well
+    known. One or two only need be quoted.
+
+Two sisters whom I knew, Miss B----s, received a letter from a brother
+in Australia, and one read it aloud to the other and then began reading
+it to herself. The other said, "You might let me have a look at it,"
+whereupon the first cried out, "I call that selfish: didn't I read it
+all aloud to you before I'd seen a word of it meself?"
+
+
+I asked a Mr. B---- whom I met in July 1896 whether he was any relation
+to another Mr. B----, a friend of mine, to which he replied, "No: I have
+no relations of my own. My father was the last of his race."
+
+
+An Irish footman brought for his master to put on two boots for the same
+foot. He was sent to rectify the mistake, but returned with the same two
+boots, saying, "Indeed, yer honour, it wasn't my fault, the other pair's
+just the same."
+
+    The difference between Scotch and Irish character comes out
+    clearly in these stories. Connected as they almost all are with
+    matters ecclesiastical, it is not strange to find the strong
+    Presbyterian dislike to Anglican ceremonial cropping up in the
+    following stories about Scotsmen. But, apart from this, the wit
+    is of a drier kind, and the sayings of a far more sanctimonious
+    character. Here is one about an old forester with whom the
+    Bishop made friends during several of his holidays. This man was
+    invited by a certain duke, whose retainer he was, to pay a visit
+    to his English seat. On the Sunday he was taken to church, and
+    he said afterwards that when the choir came in he thought it was
+    some daughters of the duke and other girls dressed up, and
+    thought it all perfectly disgraceful and making a mock of
+    religion. When the organ played they had to hold him to prevent
+    his going out. "It was," he said, "sic a terrible noise." Other
+    stories follow in the Bishop's own words:
+
+The Duchess of B---- had an old Presbyterian nurse, who was once
+persuaded to attend the beautiful church they had built. The Duchess
+afterwards asked her if it was not very beautiful, and she said, "Oh
+yes, very." "And the singing," said the Duchess, "was not that lovely?"
+"Yes, your Grace," she said, "it was lovely; but it's an awfu' way of
+spending the Sabbath."
+
+
+A Scotch lady and her gardener used to worship together, not agreeing
+with any form of Church doctrine. A friend remonstrated with her and
+asked, "Do you really think you and your gardener are the only two real
+members of the true Church on earth?" To which she replied, "Weel, I'm
+nae sae sure o' John."
+
+
+A Scotch minister from a large town once visited and preached in a rural
+parish, and was asked to pray for rain. He did so, and the rain came in
+floods and destroyed some of the crops; whereupon one elder remarked to
+another, "This comes o' entrusting sic a request to a meenister who isna
+acquentit wi' agriculture."
+
+
+Bishop Wilberforce used to tell a story of a Scotch minister who always
+regulated his grace before meat by the prospect before him. If he saw a
+sumptuous table he began, "Bountiful Jehovah," but if the fare was less
+tempting he began, "Lord, we are not worthy of the least of Thy
+mercies."
+
+
+Archbishop Tait when in Scotland had to sign the receipt for a
+registered letter before the postman, who, when he heard it was the
+Archbishop, looked at him and remarked, "Weel, I must say you look
+rather consequential about the legs."
+
+    One of the Bishop's sons was fond of sketching, and on one
+    occasion brought back a story which the Bishop delighted in
+    telling. This son and an artist friend arranged to go on a
+    sketching expedition to the west coast of Scotland, and on
+    arriving there the latter went to interview the minister of the
+    little village which was to be their headquarters. In the course
+    of conversation he asked the minister whether, if they attended
+    his ministrations in the morning, he would be greatly
+    scandalised if they did a little sketching on the Sunday
+    afternoon, to which the good man replied, "Well, your business
+    is to paint pictures and mine is to preach and pray. I preach
+    and pray on the Sabbath, you paint pictures on other days. If
+    you saw me preaching and praying on other days you would raise
+    no objection, so I shall raise none if you paint pictures on the
+    Sabbath." It was a curious argument, and probably it would be
+    difficult to find another minister in all Scotland who would
+    agree with him.
+
+    A number of stories relating to sermons have already been given,
+    but a large part of the Bishop's notebook which relates to them
+    has not yet been touched. There are some sermons given almost
+    _in extenso_, and to these it is only possible to refer briefly.
+    The longest report of a sermon is of one that was printed after
+    it had been delivered by an old gentleman who married his cook
+    and thought that it was necessary to justify his action to his
+    parishioners. He described his bride as "one of plebeian birth
+    and the superintendent of my establishment." He based his
+    explanation on the fact that he himself was of such
+    extraordinarily high birth that, in order to make his hearers
+    comprehend how utterly incapable he was of appreciating the
+    little social distinctions which existed in that parish he would
+    tell them that he could no more appreciate such distinctions
+    than, standing upon a mountain, he could judge of the heights,
+    as compared with each other, of the mole-hills lying scattered
+    around its base. Where, therefore, was he to a find a woman, and
+    moreover a woman willing to take charge of a gouty old gentleman
+    like himself, whose birth in comparison with his own was not
+    plebeian? In the matter of his wife's little peculiarities of
+    pronunciation, &c., he would just remind any satirists that
+    their tenements were constructed of a material certainly not
+    iron, and that to such persons the throwing of stones was a
+    proverbially dangerous practice. He announced in conclusion that
+    all these things were of small importance, as he and his wife
+    had resolved to lead a life of almost absolute seclusion,
+    devoting themselves entirely to her improvement, to the duties
+    of their station, and to the preparation of their souls for
+    heaven.
+
+    Another long extract is given from a sermon preached at
+    Llanymawddy. The original is said to be in the British Museum,
+    and the copy made by Dr. Griffith of Merthyn. The sermon is
+    headed "A funeral sermon for a dead body," and is a wonderful
+    example of "English as she is spoke" by the Welshman. It begins
+    with these words: "Good people of Llanymawddy. My dearly beloved
+    brethren, we are met together here to-day for a great preachment
+    for a dead body, the body of good Squire Thomas, the squire of
+    our parish. We did all love him, though he has scolded us
+    shocking, &c."
+
+    The preacher went on to say that he knew the words of his text
+    in three languages, "The Latin tongue which is the language of
+    all learned people: I do know them in the English language--it
+    is the language of all genteel people. I do know them in the
+    Welsh language of course--it is the language of all vulgar
+    people."
+
+    Much of the sermon is given up to a description of Adam and Eve,
+    the latter being described as "the beautifullest of all women,
+    but she was a very peculiar woman. She wanted to know everything
+    she ought not to know." The Garden of Eden is thus portrayed:
+    "The garden of Squire Thomas was nothing to it: it would take
+    twenty thousand of Squire Thomas' to make such a garden."
+
+    It is altogether a most wonderful discourse, and it would be
+    well worth anyone's while to hunt it up in the British Museum,
+    if the original is really to be found there.
+
+    Then there is an extract from a sermon preached by an Irish
+    bishop, which, says Bishop Walsham How, "I heard described by
+    one of his clergy who heard it." The point of the sermon was an
+    illustration of the joy over the one repentant sinner by the joy
+    in a household over the baby which had been ill and had
+    recovered. The curious part of the story lies in the fact that
+    at every mention of the baby the preacher dandled his hands up
+    and down as if he were holding it. The constant repetition of
+    this must have been trying to the gravity.
+
+    A few more "sermon-notes" may find a place here just as they
+    were jotted down by the Bishop.
+
+A certain preacher, after describing all sorts of evil, exclaimed, "And
+all this in the so-called nineteenth century!"
+
+
+A working man refused to go to church because (he said) the parson could
+tell him nothing in a sermon he didn't know. However, a friend persuaded
+him to go, and asked him afterwards if he had learnt nothing. "Well,
+yes," he said, "I did learn one thing. I learnt as Sodom and Gomorrha
+was two places. I always thought they was man and wife."
+
+
+It is said that Dean Goulbourn while preaching on the intermixture of
+evil with good in the Church, said, "Remember, there was a Ham in the
+Ark"--then, thinking it might sound odd, corrected himself and added, "I
+mean a human Ham."
+
+
+
+
+  CONCERNING BISHOPS.
+
+
+    As might be expected, a very large number of stories in the
+    Bishop's note-book concern Episcopal dignitaries either past or
+    present. It is unfortunate that some of the very best are told
+    of bishops who are still alive, and, although there is not an
+    ill-natured word on any single page, yet it might not be
+    advisable to publish these anecdotes, lest this little volume
+    should be open to the charge of want of respect for those in
+    high places.
+
+    How often a story is told of, say Bishop Wilberforce, and at its
+    conclusion the narrator says, "Or perhaps it was Bishop Magee,"
+    entirely forgetting the wide difference between these witty
+    prelates, and spoiling the story by his uncertainty. It will be
+    noticed that some of the better-known stories which are given
+    below have Bishop Walsham How's own evidence of their origin,
+    and it is possible that in some cases their publication may be
+    useful as clearing up all doubts as to their source. For
+    instance, he knew well both Bishop Wilberforce and Bishop
+    Magee, and for the stories about them he frequently vouches.
+
+The Bishop of Winchester (Wilberforce) is renowned for his wit. I was
+one day dining in his company. He was to the right of the lady of the
+house, Canon G---- to her left, and I next to him. Canon G---- was
+talking to the bishop across the lady of the house about a very old man,
+and observed that he was losing his faculties very fast, his senses of
+taste and smell being so completely gone that some naughty boys in his
+house, knowing that he always had a lightly boiled egg for breakfast,
+blew it one morning and filled it with castor oil, and he never found
+out. The bishop looked up with one of his merry twinkles and simply
+said, "Never?"
+
+
+On another occasion at a dinner party a young man was talking rather
+foolishly about Darwin and his books, speaking very contemptuously of
+them, and he said to the bishop, "My Lord, have you read Darwin's last
+book on the Descent of Man?" "Yes, I have," said the bishop; whereupon
+the young man continued, "What nonsense it is talking of our being
+descended from apes! Besides, I can't see the use of such stuff. I
+can't see what difference it would make to me if my grandfather was an
+ape." "No," the bishop replied, "I don't see that it would; but it must
+have made an amazing difference to your grandmother!" The young man had
+no more to say. I could quote many more witty sayings of the bishop, but
+they would give no idea of the real humour with which they were spoken,
+so much depending on the bishop's inimitable manner and tone of voice.
+
+
+Bishop Wilberforce, in one of his instructions upon preaching, gave
+descriptions of what were _not_ sermons, before proceeding to describe
+what _was_ a sermon. One of his sentences was this: "A few texts
+floating here and there in the feeble waste of your own turbid
+fancies--_that's_ not a sermon."
+
+
+The same bishop, after preaching a very eloquent charity sermon, was
+going from the pulpit to the altar when an enthusiastic lady, too much
+moved to wait for the offertory plate, put a half-sovereign into his
+hand, saying, "I _must_ give my mite," to which he replied, looking at
+the coin, "I thought there were two of them."
+
+
+A great friend of Bishop Wilberforce told me of a little bit of
+cleverness of his which is worth recording. He was telling a story of an
+Italian Marchesa, in which she made a clever repartee in French. The
+bishop was known not to be very perfect in French, and my informant said
+he awaited his enunciation of the French remark with some anxiety. But
+he need not have been anxious, for the bishop discounted any
+shortcomings by saying, "Then the Marchesa said--(you know her French
+was not very perfect)----" and so made the quotation.
+
+    Of Archbishop Magee the following stories are recorded by the
+    Bishop:
+
+I was with Bishop Magee in a railway carriage once, and he had the
+_Church Times_ and the _Rock_ on his knees. Before the train started a
+newspaper boy held up a copy of _Church Bells_ to him, and he looked up
+and said, "What's that? Oh, _Church Bells_. That's moderate, isn't it?
+No, thank you; I like to read the extremes and do the moderation for
+myself."
+
+
+The same bishop at a dinner party had some soup spilt over his coat by a
+clumsy servant, and exclaimed, "Is there any layman who would kindly
+express my feelings in suitable language?"
+
+
+Bishop Magee at a City dinner was sitting next to some one who had to
+propose the health of Alderman Pigeon, of whom he knew very little. He
+asked the bishop what he could say about him: "Oh," was the reply, "say
+you hope he will some day find himself in a mayor's nest."
+
+    Here is a story which is frequently quoted, and is inserted here
+    for the sake of the guarantee of authenticity:
+
+The Bishop of Peterborough (Magee), being plagued to go and open all
+sorts of things--churches, schools, bazaars, &c.--exclaimed one day, "I
+do believe very soon there will not be a young curate in the diocese who
+has bought a new umbrella, who will not apply to the bishop to come and
+open it." (Said to the Bishop of Leicester, who told me.)
+
+
+Bishop Magee, walking one day with the Bishop of Hereford by the Wye,
+said to him, "If you will give me your river I will give you my see."
+
+
+The Bishop of Peterborough, being pressed to give a certain man a
+living, said, "If it rained livings I would offer Mr. ---- (after a
+pause) an umbrella." (This was said by the bishop in the Athenaeum to a
+friend of mine, who told me.)
+
+
+A lady who was a great admirer of a certain preacher took Bishop Magee
+with her to hear him, and asked him afterwards what he thought of the
+sermon. "It was very long," the bishop said. "Yes," said the lady, "but
+there was a saint in the pulpit." "And a martyr in the pew," rejoined
+the bishop.
+
+    Lastly, there is a touching little story of his self-estimation:
+
+The Bishop of Peterborough (Magee), speaking of Bishop Harold Browne,
+said he owed him a grudge, "for he's got all my sweetness of disposition
+as well as his own."
+
+    The remaining stories about bishops fall under two heads--first,
+    those which are told definitely of some particular bishop;
+    secondly, those which are told of "a bishop," and to which too
+    much credit need not necessarily be given.
+
+    Under the first heading come the following:
+
+A certain bishop [the name is given] on his marriage determined to go
+abroad, and he and his bride spent the first night at Folkestone,
+meaning to cross next day to Boulogne. There was a great crowd on the
+platform in the morning, and the bishop asked his wife to wait in a
+certain spot while he went and saw to the luggage. He made some mistake
+and could not find her, and, supposing she had gone on board, went to
+look for her, when the vessel started and he was carried off to
+Boulogne. His wife had to return ignominiously to the hotel, where she
+received great commiseration from the landlady. The lady was quite sure
+some accident had happened to her husband, and a messenger was sent to
+see, and when he returned the landlady came in with a very grave face,
+and said, "I am sorry to say, ma'am, there's been _no_ accident. But he
+didn't look like a gentleman to do such a thing." Of course he returned
+by the next steamer.
+
+
+Bishop Selwyn of Lichfield was once asked how he came to give his
+theological college men such an ugly hood--black and yellow like a wasp.
+"Oh," he said, "I wanted to distinguish them from St. Bees' men."
+
+
+It was said of Bishop Christopher Wordsworth of Lincoln that one half of
+him was in heaven and the other half in the seventeenth century.
+
+
+When Dr. Moberly, Bishop of Salisbury, was old and infirm, he went with
+a friend to visit Old Sarum, and, as he was toiling up with the help of
+his friend, the latter remarked, "It's hard work getting up Old Sarum,"
+to which the bishop replied, "It's harder work getting old Sarum up!"
+
+
+A certain suffragan bishop was mobbed one day in a low part of London by
+costers, who told him they couldn't have him wear such a hat and dress.
+He told them he was a poor orphan with neither father nor mother to look
+after him and see to his clothes; so they let him go, saying, "We can't
+chaff you, governor."
+
+
+A witty bishop of the present day, being pressed to go to many parishes
+for Confirmation, said that the final clause of the Baptismal Service
+wanted altering, and should be worded, "Ye are to take care that the
+bishop be brought to this child to confirm him," &c.
+
+
+When Bishop Stanley first went to Norwich he went up the tower of the
+Cathedral, and, hearing some jackdaws twittering in a hole in the wall,
+and being very fond of birds, he put his hand in and drew out three
+young jackdaws, which he took down in his pocket and put in the garden.
+The next morning he could not find them, and, while looking round the
+garden, heard, just outside, some boys making a noise. One was crying,
+"Who stole Jim Crow's cadges?" (This is the local name for jackdaws.) So
+he ran out and caught the boys, and found out the culprit, whom he had
+up before the magistrates, and was going to have punished, when the
+boy's father asked if he might ask a question, and, leave being given,
+asked, "Can you tell me, sir, who the Cathedral belongs to?" "To the
+dean," was the answer. "Then," said the man, "who stole the dean's
+cadges?" This ended the matter, and the boy was dismissed.
+
+
+Bishop Short (of St. Asaph) was much annoyed by his clergy seeking
+promotion. One day he visited a certain parish with Archdeacon Wickham,
+where the clergyman, as he knew, thought he ought to be promoted to a
+better living. This clergyman pointed to his house and school, which he
+had rebuilt, and said, "I think, my Lord, I have done pretty well in
+this parish in building the parsonage and school." "Yes," said the
+bishop, "indeed you have, and may you long live to enjoy the sight of
+your labours."
+
+
+When preparations were being made for the funeral of a former bishop of
+Lichfield, a newly made archdeacon, who had held preferment in the Black
+Country, was giving directions to the secretary in the cathedral. The
+senior verger was standing by with some others. The archdeacon said to
+the secretary, "You had better send post cards to the prebendaries
+stating the exact hour," whereupon the verger turned to a gentleman
+standing by and said, "Post cards to prebendaries! Well, if them's his
+Black Country manners the sooner he goes back there the better!"
+
+
+Bishop Pepys (of Worcester), who was a stout old man, was walking near
+Hartlebury one day when the omnibus for Worcester passed, and the driver
+was beating the horses most unmercifully. The bishop called out to him
+that if he went on in that way he would have him up. The man told him to
+hold his noise or he would give him the same. The bishop followed the
+omnibus into the village and found it standing at the inn door, so he
+called out the landlady and asked the name of the driver. She said she
+did not know as he was a stranger, the regular driver being ill. So the
+bishop walked on, and entered the drive up to the castle. Meantime the
+landlady went to the driver and asked him what he had been doing, as the
+bishop had been asking his name. "What," he said, "was that the bishop?
+Why, I said I would lay into him next! Which way did he go?" So off he
+ran, whip in hand, to beg the bishop's pardon. In a short time the
+bishop heard steps following, looked round, saw the driver running
+after him, and, remembering the man's threat, took to his heels and ran
+as hard as he could towards the house. At last to his relief he heard
+the man panting and puffing behind him cry out, "Oh, my Lord! I hope
+you'll forgive me, my Lord!" So he pulled up and recovered his breath
+and his dignity as best he could.
+
+
+When the Act of Uniformity Amendment Act (Shortened Services Act) was
+passed, a very short service was held in Westminster Abbey at 7.45 A.M.
+to last only fifteen minutes, partly for the sake of the masters at the
+school. Lord Hatherly always attended this service, but, although
+perhaps the busiest man in England, did not like the abbreviations. The
+new lectionary had lately come into use, and Lord Hatherly told the
+Bishop of Lichfield (Selwyn) as they came out of the Abbey one morning
+that he had discovered the true merits of the new lectionary. He said
+that, the lessons beginning so often in the middle of a chapter, he
+found that it took the reader so long to find his place that he (Lord
+H.) had time to finish the Psalms (of which only a portion was used) to
+himself. [In connection with the above story it may be noted that
+Bishop Walsham How was at one time examining chaplain to Bishop Selwyn,
+and may probably have been told it by him.]
+
+
+I happened to be in London just at the time when the Diocese of St.
+Alban's was created, and when Bishop Claughton, then Bishop of
+Rochester, had his choice between Rochester and St. Alban's, but had not
+decided which to be. I went to dine with Canon Erskine Clarke and met
+there old Mr. Philip Cazenove, who took me in his carriage to a
+reception at Bishop Woodford's. Mr. Cazenove knew both his Bible and his
+Horace thoroughly. Almost the first person we met at the reception was
+Bishop Claughton, and Mr. Cazenove shook him by the hand saying, "How do
+you do, my Lord, sive tu mavis Rochester vocari sive St. Alban's." The
+bishop, a First in Classics, was delighted. [It may be noted that Bishop
+Walsham How had been curate to Bishop Claughton at Kidderminster, and a
+close friend all his life.]
+
+
+Miss Jacobson told me that her father, the Bishop of Chester, was once
+talking with a foreign ecclesiastic who had a great admiration for Dr.
+Pusey, whom he spoke of as _ce cher Pussy_.
+
+
+A gushing young lady was visiting Bishop Philpotts at Torquay, and,
+standing at a window at Bishop's Court, she exclaimed, "How beautiful!
+It's just like Switzerland!" "Yes," said the bishop, "just like
+Switzerland, except that here there are no mountains, and there no sea."
+
+
+The Bishop of Bangor (Campbell) told me that when a former dean was
+quite in his dotage he had got it into his head that the bishop was
+dead. So he went and called upon him. The old dean was very courteous,
+asking after his health and his daughter's, seeming to have quite
+forgotten his delusion, when suddenly he seemed struck with the thought
+that he was losing an opportunity and exclaimed, "Oh, by the way, you
+are sure to be able to tell me who your successor is."
+
+
+The late Bishop Hills one Monday morning was standing talking to Mr.
+Pearson, the Vicar of Darlington, when a Mr. Maughan (pronounced Morn)
+came up and handed the bishop some sovereigns, saying, "There, my Lord,
+is our yesterday's collection for your fund." At once Mr. Pearson bowed
+and said, "Hail, smiling morn, that tips the hills with gold!"
+
+
+A former bishop of Nottingham was a large, fine man with a good deal of
+dignity of manner. He one night found a burglar in his house, seized
+him, threw him down, and, having managed to ring the bell, sat upon him
+till help came. While so doing he asked the man if he knew who was
+sitting upon him. The burglar said "No." "I am the Bishop of
+Nottingham," said the bishop, whereupon (as the bishop told it) the
+burglar used an expression not complimentary to bishops.
+
+
+Bishop Temple of London is a very powerful man, and when he first
+preached in Spitalfields Church some of the policemen came to hear him.
+The rector, Mr. Billing, afterwards asked one of them what he thought of
+the new bishop. "Well, sir," said the man, "I think it would take two of
+us to run him in."
+
+
+A former bishop of Exeter in old days was noted for saying severe and
+sarcastic things in the blandest tones. Once when sitting with a friend
+in an arbour in his garden he saw a party of strangers coolly walking
+round his garden. He mentioned to his friend that he was frequently
+annoyed by these unwarrantable intrusions, saying he would speak very
+sharply to these people when they came past. As they reached the place
+the bishop to their great dismay stepped out and confronted them. They
+were profuse in their apologies, saying they knew his kindness and hoped
+they were not intruding, "Oh, no," said his Lordship, "pray make it your
+own: I will only ask one little favour: I should be greatly obliged if
+you would not go through the house to-day, as a lady is seriously ill
+there."
+
+    Apropos of this story it is worth recording that when Bishop
+    Walsham How moved into the new house which was built for him at
+    Wakefield a footpath which ran straight through the middle of
+    the garden had to be diverted. The legal time for closing the
+    old footpath had not arrived when the bishop first went to live
+    in the house, and he was much beset by inquisitive people
+    wandering about the whole place. There is a flower border round
+    the house, edged with a raised stone edging. This stonework was
+    kept thoroughly worn and dirty opposite to each sitting-room
+    window, owing to it being used by the unobtrusive Yorkshireman
+    as a standing place from which he could look into the rooms. The
+    edging was not more than a few feet from the windows, so the
+    nuisance became very great.
+
+A bishop of Sodor and Man travelling on the continent found himself
+entered in the book of a French hotel as _l'eveque du siphon et de
+l'homme_.
+
+
+A story about suffragan bishops. Archbishop Tait's coachman, Wyatt, was
+driving a gentleman one day when the latter asked about the horses, the
+coachman saying, "We had a hard time of it some years ago knocking about
+to Confirmations and Consecrations all over the country, but since we've
+taken Mr. Parry into the business we've done better." (Mr. Parry was the
+suffragan bishop of Dover.)
+
+
+The Bishop of Bedford (Billing) when rector of Spitalfields was once
+visiting a pickpocket who had been very ill, and on whom he thought he
+had made some impression. One day Mr. Billing saw he was getting better
+and said he hoped he would soon be able to get to work. "Oh, yes, sir,"
+said the man, "it's a good time of year coming on, just when one meets
+so many old gents coming home from dinner at night."
+
+    Finally, here are two or three stories to which no name is
+    attached:
+
+An ambitious young curate once complained to his bishop that he had not
+sufficient scope for his energies, and would like a larger sphere of
+work. The bishop quietly remarked, "Would a hemisphere do?"
+
+
+A bishop once stayed at a house where they put out for him a set of
+silver-mounted brushes. When he left, the brushes disappeared, and the
+master of the house waited some days thinking he should receive them
+back, but, not doing so, he wrote and inquired if they had got packed up
+by mistake with the bishop's things. He received a telegram next day
+saying, "Poor but honest; look in table-drawer."
+
+
+A young lady sitting by a bishop-suffragan who was also an archdeacon,
+asked him if it was true that he was an archdeacon as well as a bishop,
+and when he said, "Yes," she said, "Is not that what they call
+pleurisy?"
+
+
+A certain bishop of the old school had a well-known and invariable
+Confirmation charge, which began, "My dear young friends, we have been
+engaged in a very interesting, and (as I hold it to be) a perfectly
+unobjectionable ceremony."
+
+
+A certain clergyman about to be married is said to have written to his
+bishop to ask if he could marry himself, as he wished the wedding to be
+very quiet, and did not want to trouble any other clergyman. The bishop
+is said to have replied that he could not give him permission to marry
+himself, but he thought he might allow him to bury himself if he wished
+and felt able.
+
+
+
+
+  STORIES OF THE BISHOP'S OWN EXPERIENCES DURING HIS EPISCOPACY.
+
+
+    These are not very numerous, and occupy a comparatively small
+    portion of the note-book. Some of them have already appeared in
+    the "Life of Bishop Walsham How."
+
+I once visited the Bishop of Bath and Wells, and was going on afterwards
+for a week's fishing in Dorsetshire. It so happened that my portmanteau,
+in which were my dress-clothes, was locked, but a carpet-bag containing
+all my fishing things was not locked. When I went up to dress for dinner
+at the Palace I found that the butler had put out all my fishing clothes
+with wading stockings and wading boots for me to dress in for dinner.
+
+
+I received the following letter during the time that I was Bishop of
+Wakefield:
+
+    May it please your Lordship,
+
+    To inform me, my Lord, wether I have a legal right to a grave,
+    or not, supposing my granfather of my mother's side, my
+    Lordship, and the said granfather had no son, and my mother was
+    the eldest daughter, and I am my mother's eldest child and only
+    son, my Lordship, who would become in possession, of the said
+    grave, my Lordship, supposing my father, loeses my mother, my
+    Lordship, has he a legal right to bury my mother, in the said
+    grave, if it is not left, in the aforesaid,--granfather's Will,
+    my Lordship, hasn't the aforesaid granfather granson the Legal
+    Right of the said Grave, my Lordship, has a Son-in-law, a Legal
+    Right before a Granson, to the said Grave, my Lordship, has my
+    sister a Legal Right, to have my Father, buryed in the said
+    Grave, my Lordship, without the concent of her Brother, my
+    Lordship, is that Grave invested with Vicar's Right's, so that
+    no one can interfear with the said Grave, my Lordship, the said
+    Grave has a Head Stone to it and there was a certain amount of
+    Fee's to be paid, before, the said Vicar allows the said Stone
+    to be put over the Grave, my Lordship, would not that Grave
+    devolve and become Freehold Property, my Lordship, may it please
+    your Grace to send me a reply
+
+      from yours truly
+      ----
+
+    This letter is perfect sense, and was "translated" by the
+    Bishop's legal secretary. Entire repunctuation will be found a
+    great assistance to any one whose curiosity leads them to
+    attempt to gather the meaning.
+
+I have had a complaint from a layman to say that his rector in a sermon
+recently preached explained the repetition of the Lord's Prayer in the
+Church service by saying as follows: "The prayer occurs three times in
+the morning service; one is for those who get to church in good time,
+the second one is for the late, the third one is for the very late." My
+correspondent did not think this profitable teaching.
+
+
+A working man in East London being shown some photographs came to one of
+the Bishop of Bedford (myself), and the clergyman who was showing the
+photographs said, "That is the Bishop of Bedford, he is a total
+abstainer you know." The man paused a moment and then said, "Ah, there's
+reformed in all classes, no doubt."
+
+
+A little girl at Eastbourne was at a church where I was preaching, and
+in a whisper in the middle of the sermon begged her mother to let her
+have a pair of sleeves like the bishop's.
+
+
+An old woman, whom I confirmed lately in a Yorkshire parish, said to the
+clergyman's wife at the end of the service, "A turned sick three times,
+but a banged thro'."
+
+
+I sent a curate to look at a church I wanted him to take charge of, and
+he found a choirboy in the church who told him the Bishop had been there
+the Sunday before. "And what did you think of him?" said the curate. The
+boy replied, "A thought he'd a been a bigger mon."
+
+
+I have received a letter from a man complaining that, having been
+recommended to study "Daniel on the Book of Common Prayer," he had read
+the book of Daniel all through, and could find no mention of the
+Prayer-book in it.
+
+
+Our forefathers seem to have had occasion for a curious instrument
+called a scratchback, which consisted of a small ivory hand screwed on
+to a long light handle. One of these is preserved as a curiosity at a
+country house in this diocese. My domestic chaplain, when he first
+called there, finding himself alone in the drawing-room, took up the
+instrument, and never having enjoyed the experience proceeded to put it
+down his back. At that moment the lady of the house entered, and my
+chaplain hastily withdrawing the machine found the handle had separated
+from the hand, which was left behind. He had to apologise, and ask
+permission to retire that he might recover the missing hand.
+
+
+
+
+  CONCERNING LUNATICS.
+
+
+    In common with most people whose names are well known, Bishop
+    Walsham How received many letters from lunatics. He also met
+    with a few and has recorded one or two of his experiences. One
+    of these dates from somewhat early days, as will be seen from
+    the reference to Dr. Christopher Wordsworth. It runs as
+    follows:
+
+Once when I was staying at St. John's Wood I took an early omnibus to
+Westminster, and as it was fine I got up outside and had for a companion
+a very gentlemanly looking man of military appearance. He soon began to
+talk about prophecy and the revelation, showing an intimate acquaintance
+with the Bible, and at last he asked me if I did not think the time had
+arrived for the Messiah to be again revealed in the flesh. I of course
+deprecated all attempts to fix the date of the Second Advent, but he
+persisted in his attempts to prove that the Messiah would again be
+incarnate. I saw he was full of wild notions, but I was rather startled
+when he asked me if I could name any one on earth who seemed to me to
+answer to all the requirements I should look for in the Messiah, and
+when I said, "Certainly not," he startled me still more by saying, "Now
+I should be disposed to say Dr. Christopher Wordsworth" (then Dean of
+Westminster) "answered most nearly, if it were not for his extraordinary
+hallucination with regard to the millenium." Of course by this time I
+saw the man was mad. However, I asked him if he could name any one more
+perfectly answering to his expectation. He then asked me if I understood
+the meaning of the Frogs in the book of Revelation, and, on my answering
+in the negative, he said. "I ask myself what can you predicate of frogs?
+Only two things, they croak and they jump. So when I hear any one clear
+his throat, suddenly putting his hand up to his mouth, I say to myself,
+'That is the sign of the frogs. The time is come'." He then said, "You
+will allow, I presume, that the Messiah must appear from a mountain?" To
+which I of course assented, as I did to everything else now. "And that
+mountain must bear a name equivalent to Armageddon?" "Yes." "Do you know
+what Armageddon means?" "No." "It is a name of the devil." "Oh!" "Well,
+such a mountain exists." "Where?" "In the county of Tipperary, and at
+the foot of that mountain I was born." He then went on with a long
+rhapsody, saying, "Yes, I am the Messiah, though men won't believe it.
+It's a most curious fact that, while the interests of humanity centre in
+me, each man believes that they centre in himself. Yes, I am the
+scape-goat. You know that goat was sent into the wilderness by the
+priest. Ah! that event happened on" (here he mentioned very rapidly some
+date which I forget). "I was the goat: moral wilderness, you
+know--commission in lunacy. My brother was the priest--sent me into the
+wilderness, &c. &c." He was now talking very rapidly and excitedly, and
+I was glad our journey came to an end.
+
+    The other incident recorded in the note-book occurred more
+    recently, when on the Monday before Ash Wednesday the Bishop had
+    been preaching in a London church, and a young man came to the
+    vestry after the service to speak to him. The Bishop having
+    asked him how he could help him, the young man laid one hand on
+    the Bishop's knee, looked him earnestly in the face, and said in
+    a loud impressive whisper, "To-morrow's pancake day, and the
+    next day's salt-fish!"
+
+
+
+
+  DREAMS.
+
+
+    Few people remember dreams to the same extent as Bishop Walsham
+    How. It was a very usual thing at breakfast for him to tell
+    some absurd dream that he had had, the remembrance of which
+    often amused him so much as to greatly hinder its recital. In
+    his note-book he has recorded two, one of his own, and one of
+    Bishop Jackson's (of London).
+
+A Dream of Red Tape.--A clergyman is often rather beset with forms to
+fill up. Probably in consequence of this I dreamt one night that I was
+walking through a street with a lady, and, it having been raining, there
+were many puddles. I stopped and said I had got some new forms in my
+pocket which would be most useful. I then pulled out a large roll of
+forms, printed as follows: "Madam, allow me to have the honour of
+assisting you to----over this----." There was a line below for a
+signature. I explained that you had only to fill up the first space with
+"step" or "jump," and the second with "puddle" or "pool," according to
+size, sign your name at the bottom and the thing was done.
+
+    This is a comparatively recent entry in the note-book, but the
+    dream occurred many years ago. Those who remember the Bishop
+    telling it in old days will not have forgotten that he used to
+    say that he dreamt it after spending a long day signing his name
+    at the Oswestry Savings' Bank of which he was a trustee.
+
+    Bishop Jackson's dream was as follows:
+
+The Bishop of London, at the time of one of the great gatherings of
+Sunday school children in St. Paul's Cathedral, dreamt that he was
+there, and heard them singing a hymn, one verse of which was as follows:
+
+  To our Churchwardens we will tell
+    The wonders of this day,
+  And eke to them will take the bill
+    Of what they have to pay.
+
+
+
+
+  YORKSHIRE STORIES.
+
+
+A Yorkshire clergyman the other day, visiting a poor man who had just
+lost his little boy, endeavoured to console him. The poor man burst into
+tears, and in the midst of his sobs exclaimed: "If 'twarna agin t' law a
+should ha' liked to have t' little beggar stoofed."
+
+
+A leading layman in the Wakefield diocese went to see a poor old woman
+whose husband had just died after a long illness. In talking of him she
+remarked, "Eh, but John's tabernacle tuk a deal o' riving to bits."
+
+
+The Vicar of Sowerby Bridge met with a woman in his parish who said she
+could not agree with the Church. On being pressed for particulars she
+said she could not hold with renouncing the devil and all his works.
+
+
+The Vicar of one of the large towns in the diocese of Wakefield was
+having a pipe in his kitchen late at night when, about 11 P.M., there
+was a knock at the door, and when he opened it he found two Salvation
+lassies who said they had called to see if he would give them something
+for their work. He said he was sorry he could not do so, though he
+wished them well, and he asked if they found much drunkenness in that
+town. "Yes," said one of them, "and also of its twin child of the devil,
+smoking."
+
+
+A Yorkshireman (the story is told of Birstall) who had a scolding wife
+met a mate one morning who looked rather sad, and asked him what was the
+matter. The other said, "I've lost my old missus." To this the former
+replied, "I'll swop my wick un for your dead un, and pay t' funeral
+expenses too!"
+
+    Another Birstall story:
+
+When the present incumbent was appointed to Birstall, a man there said,
+"We've had no Harvest Festival this time, as there was no vicar, but now
+a new one is appointed I dare say we shall have a lot of them!"
+
+
+A very wealthy manufacturer whose works were in the Wakefield diocese
+was asked for a donation to a charitable object, and said they might put
+down his name for two guineas. It was pointed out to him that his son
+had already given twice that amount, and he might not like his name to
+appear for less than his son's. "Oh, it's all right," he said; "you see
+he has got a well-to-do father, and I haven't."
+
+
+Two men went round a parish in Yorkshire, house to house, collecting a
+fund for the repair of the churchyard wall. Presently they came to a
+house where the man had just come in from work and was washing himself
+in the back kitchen. Hearing the men in the front room he called out,
+"What dost a want? Dost a want some o' ma brass? Nay, thee'll noan get
+ma brass for yon job." One of the men replied, "Why, t' wall wants
+mending badly." "Nay, man," answered the man in the back room, "them as
+is in t' churchyard weant get out, and them as isn't in doant want to
+get in. Tha, man, let it bide."
+
+
+A clergyman in Yorkshire, visiting a dying man, observed him putting his
+hand out of the bed and eating something from time to time, so he said
+he was glad to see he could eat a little, when the man with a funny look
+said, "They're my funeral biscuits. The missis went to the town and
+bought them, and she's out to-day, and I'm eating them."
+
+
+A poor woman at Halifax talking of her husband, said he had tried
+everything--he had been a churchman, then a Wesleyan, then a Baptist,
+and now he was a Yarmouth bloater. (She meant Plymouth brother, but had
+got her seaports mixed.)
+
+
+A girl in Hebden Bridge came to the vicar to put up her banns of
+marriage. When all was done she lingered at the door and the vicar said,
+"Well, Mary, is there anything more?" To this she replied rather shyly,
+"Please, sir, will t' same spurrings do for another chap?" (_Spurrings_
+is a Yorkshire word for banns, and is really _speerings_ or
+_inquirings_.)
+
+
+At Thornhill an old woman lost her brother and went continually to talk
+to him at his grave. One day she was overheard saying, "Eh, William, t'
+pigs turned out well. We'd a bit o' spar rib yesterday, and a wish thee
+could ha' tasted it. And a've sold t' hams, William."
+
+
+A former vicar of Dewsbury at a funeral in a cemetery, where the grave
+was under the wall of the chapel, remarked to the widow, "It's a nice
+sheltered spot." "Ah, yes," she answered, "my poor husband never could
+bear a draught."
+
+
+
+
+  MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
+
+
+    The remainder of the stories in the note-book are concerning
+    such varied matters that it is impossible to classify them, and
+    they are given here--such of them as it is deemed right to
+    publish--as a concluding chapter of this little volume:
+
+A friend of mine met with a timber-merchant one day, who said he thought
+the Old Testament was not very historical, and contained things no one
+could believe. He said, for instance, that he had made rather accurate
+calculations of the size and weight of the Ark, and it was simply absurd
+to think that the Israelites could carry such a huge thing about with
+them in the wilderness for forty years, even without the animals.
+
+
+At a funeral of a wife the undertaker put the bereaved husband in the
+first carriage with his mother-in-law. When the widower heard of the
+arrangement he remonstrated with the undertaker, and asked if he could
+not go in one of the other carriages. Being told that this would be
+remarked upon, as the nearest relatives always went in the first
+carriage, he yielded, saying, "Ah, well, if it must be so, it must; but
+you've quite spoilt my day for me."
+
+
+A clergyman of very unclerical habits was salmon-fishing in Scotland in
+1872, and made use of strong expressions which very much disgusted the
+ghillie who accompanied him. At last the clergyman, on losing a fish he
+had hooked, made use of a very improper word when the ghillie could
+stand it no longer, but broke out with, "I'm thinking there maun ha'
+been a sair lack o' timber when they made thee a prop o' the
+Tabernacle."
+
+
+The Rev. R. Bonner, our late Government School Inspector, hired a gig
+from Shrewsbury to drive to inspect a school. The driver in the course
+of conversation informed him that they had got a new clergyman in his
+parish who did all sorts of strange things. On Mr. Bonner asking him
+what, he said, "Why, sir, he makes them sing the Psalms all through."
+Mr. B. answered, "Don't you think the Psalms were meant to be sung?" To
+which he replied, "I never heard that before, sir." Mr. B. then said,
+"Surely David wrote them for music." "Who did you say, sir?" the man
+answered. "David," said Mr. B., "You know they are called the Psalms of
+David." Whereupon the driver said, "Oh, yes, sir, I was forgetting.
+Didn't a gentleman of the name of Hopkins help him?"
+
+
+A former curate of mine, the Rev. G. E. Sheppard, left to go to All
+Saints, Shrewsbury, where I went to see him. On the wall of his room was
+a picture with these words underneath:
+
+  The Queen was asked upon one day
+  Where the greatness of Old England lay,
+  And very soon she was heard to say,
+  It lays within the Bible.
+
+
+A sceptical working man told a curate who was talking to him about our
+Lord's life that he had a curious old book at home by a writer called
+Herodotus, but, though it was very old it did not even mention any of
+the miracles recorded in the New Testament.
+
+
+A young clergyman was accused by his vicar of using too long words in
+preaching, "felicity" being given as an example. He was sure every one
+understood the word, so the vicar called up an old woman and asked her
+if she knew what "felicity" meant. She said, "Beant it summut in the
+inside of a pig?"
+
+
+An organising secretary of the Additional Curates' Society told me of a
+wonderful experience of another secretary of the same society. He was
+asked to stay at a gentleman's house in Worcestershire, and, when shown
+in, his host said he was sorry he could not shake hands with him, as he
+made it a rule to shake hands alternately with the right hand and the
+left, and he could not remember which he had used last. Then, as they
+went in to dinner, he told him it was the rule of the house always to
+make the sign of the cross with the foot on the floor at the dining-room
+door. After he had gone up to bed his host came in many times to offer
+him a night-shirt, a razor, &c. At last he thought he had got rid of him
+and went to sleep. But at midnight his host came and told him it was the
+rule of the house that at twelve o'clock all should change beds, and he
+actually had to turn out and go into another bed.
+
+
+A woman wishing good-bye to a clergyman's wife when they were going to
+another parish, said to her, "We shall all miss Mr. ----'s sermons very
+much, for, you know, intellect is not what we want in this parish."
+
+
+A certain rector, who was not a lively preacher, always closed his eyes
+when saying the Prayers. His curate wrote the following epigram:
+
+  I never see my rector's eyes;
+    He hides their light divine:
+  For, when he prays, he shuts his own,
+    And, when he preaches, mine.
+
+
+A man who had been a great drunkard was persuaded to take the pledge,
+and some time afterwards a lady went to see the wife, and asked her how
+they were getting on, to which she replied, "Oh, ma'am, we're getting on
+right well. He never beats me now, and never swears at me. I say he's
+more like a friend than a husband now."
+
+
+A gentleman was invited to a Church function, and wrote and excused
+himself as he was going to the races, "but," he added, "I shall be with
+you in spirit."
+
+
+An old verger whom I knew lost his wife, and a clergyman went in the
+evening after the funeral to condole with him. As he reached the door he
+heard very lively voices inside, and on opening it the first words he
+heard were from the old verger himself who was exclaiming, "What's
+trumps?" The room was full of tobacco smoke, and as soon as the verger,
+to his horror, saw his vicar standing at the door he said very humbly,
+"Oh, sir, I beg pardon; it's only a few friends as helped to put my poor
+wife underground."
+
+
+A former Archdeacon of Gloucester had on his paper of inquiries
+addressed to the churchwardens this question: "Is your clergyman of
+sober life and conversation?" One churchwarden answered, "He is sober,
+but I have had no conversation with him for many years."
+
+
+An enthusiastic total abstainer had a bit of blue ribbon sewn on his
+nightshirts, for, he said, if the house was on fire and he had to escape
+in his night-dress, he would like people to see that he was a member of
+the blue ribbon society.
+
+
+A Mr. Manning was curate of my old parish of Whittington at the time the
+present form of marriage registers came into use, and, not understanding
+the heading "Condition," he filled up that column in the first entry,
+"Man lean, woman rather fat."
+
+
+An Act of Parliament against making false entries in registers, or
+mutilating them, is bound up with many Registers. The penalty is
+transportation for ten years. Towards the end of the Act is a short
+clause (with the word "penalties" in the margin) saying, "Half the
+penalties under this Act are to go to the informer, and the other half
+to the poor of the parish."
+
+
+At a charity sermon a certain nobleman was in a seat with a rich man
+whom he did not know, but who knew him, the nobleman being furthest from
+the door. At the close of the sermon the nobleman took out a shilling
+and placed it on the book-board. The rich parvenu was very indignant,
+and as a rebuke took out a sovereign and placed it on the book-board.
+The nobleman looked for a moment and then quietly put down another
+shilling, the other putting down at once a second sovereign. And so they
+went on till the nobleman had five shillings and the other five pounds
+before him. When the alms-bag came the rich man ostentatiously put the
+five sovereigns in. The nobleman put one shilling into the bag, and the
+other four into his pocket.
+
+
+Some Americans managed to get an interview with Mr. Keble at Hursley. He
+walked with them through the garden, when one of them picked a branch of
+a climbing rose, and said, "Now, if you will have the goodness to hand
+that to me I can get five dollars for it in New York."
+
+
+The vicar of an East London parish was one of the first London clergymen
+to grow his beard. The then Bishop of London wished to stop the
+practice, and, as he was going to confirm in that church, sent his
+chaplain to the vicar to ask him to shave it off, saying he should
+otherwise select another church for the Confirmation. The vicar replied
+that he was quite willing to take his candidates to another church, and
+would give out next Sunday the reason for the change. Of course, the
+bishop retracted.
+
+
+The old Mitre Hymn-book had in it a hymn describing the just man, and,
+among the noble Christian graces ascribed to him, is the following
+couplet:
+
+  And what his charity impairs
+  He saves by prudence in affairs.
+
+
+A Professional View of a Church Congress.--At the Bath Church Congress a
+friend of mine went to have his hair cut, and, finding that the barber
+had been to a session of the Congress the evening before, he asked him
+what he thought of it. He replied, "I was greatly struck, sir, with the
+number of bald heads."
+
+
+A clergyman travelling in the North of England got into conversation
+with a fellow traveller, and told him about St. Cuthbert, and then was
+beginning to tell him about the Venerable Bede, when the other remarked,
+"I think, sir, you are mistaken. You will find that Cuthbert and Bede
+were the same person." He was doubtless thinking of "Cuthbert Bede," the
+_nom de plume_ of Edward Bradley, the author of "Mr. Verdant Green."
+
+
+Jowett of Balliol was once asked by a friend if he thought a really good
+man could be happy on the rack. He said, "Perhaps, if he were a _very_
+good man, and it was a _very_ bad rack."
+
+
+One of the speakers at the meeting of the Catholic Truth Society at
+Bristol (Sept. 1895) told a story of a pious Catholic visiting
+Westminster Abbey, and kneeling in a quiet corner for private devotion,
+when he was summoned in stentorian tones to come and view the royal
+tombs and chapels. "But I have seen them," said the stranger, "and I
+only wish to say my prayers." "Prayers is over," said the verger.
+"Still, I suppose," said the stranger, "there can be no objection to my
+saying my prayers quietly here?" "No objection, sir!" said the irate
+verger. "Why, it would be an insult to the Dean and Chapter."
+
+
+In Doylestown, United States of America, cemetery is a square enclosure
+with four tombstones at the four corners recording the deaths of the
+four wives of one man. In the centre stands a large monument, with name
+and dates of birth and death, and the touching words,
+
+  "Our Husband."
+
+
+A certain well-known preacher of somewhat exciting sermons was invited
+by the Vicar of Willenhall to preach in his church. One of the
+parishioners afterwards describing the effect of the sermon upon him to
+his vicar said, "It was a main fine sarment, sir, but he first speak in
+a whisper like, and then he shouted that loud as made me hop clean off
+my seat. So the next time I watched him, and when I heerd him
+a-whisperin' I see it a-comin', and I ketch right tight howd of the seat
+a this'n" (suiting the action to the word), "and then it didna do me no
+harm."
+
+
+Mr. Edward Haycock, jun., the architect, of Shrewsbury, in speaking to a
+builder about the restoration of a church, was fairly puzzled by the man
+recommending that a certain addition should be made with a le-anto roof.
+Mr. Haycock did not like to acknowledge his ignorance of this sort of
+roof, and he asked the man to describe how he would manage it, when he
+soon saw that the man was talking of a lean-to roof.
+
+
+An old lady in Shrewsbury once complained to my father about Christmas
+Day falling on a Sunday, and said that it never was so in her younger
+days, and she supposed it was the Radicals that had done it. On my
+father saying that it had been so sometimes before, she said, "Well,
+perhaps I'm wrong, for my memory is getting very bad, and I have a
+distinct recollection of Good Friday once happening on a Sunday."
+
+
+The Vicar of Highclere once took duty in a church where he thought he
+had only morning and afternoon sermons to provide. Finding there was
+also an evening service, and not being prepared with a third sermon, he
+gave out in the morning that there would be no sermon in the evening,
+and then immediately gave out the hymn, "O day of rest and gladness,"
+which caused some smiles.
+
+
+A friend of mine was taking a mission for the vicar of a parish in
+Bolton. As they were walking together down the street they met an old
+woman, and the vicar asked her after her husband, who was very ill,
+saying, "I am afraid he is very ill." "Yes, sir," she answered, "but I
+do my best for him: I read the Burial Service to him every day to get
+him used to it."
+
+
+A certain clergyman was said to be invisible for six days of the week,
+and incomprehensible on the seventh.
+
+
+An old gardener, whose master was dead, and who was engaged to continue
+with his successor, was seen by his new master one day measuring some
+young trees in the garden. When asked what he was doing, he replied,
+"Well, sir, I don't think I'm long for this world, and when I go up
+there the first thing the old master will ask me will be, 'How are the
+young trees getting on?'"
+
+
+A Coincidence.--I was once reading the lessons in Kidderminster Church
+when the organ ciphered, and one note went piping on all the time I was
+reading. It happened that the lesson was Job xxi., and I quite broke
+down at verse 12. ("They ... rejoice at the sound of the organ.")
+
+
+When the new vicar went to Cantrip he found Church matters in a very
+primitive state. After a short time he introduced "Hymns Ancient and
+Modern." One day one of the farmers met him, and said, "What is this new
+hymn-book, sir? I don't like it." The vicar, thinking he was in for a
+theological discussion, said, "What don't you like?" "Why," said the
+farmer, "I don't like them words." "What words?" "Why, them words as
+they sing now; I am not used to them." Being pressed as to the
+particular words, he at last confessed that he never had sung _any_
+words at all before, but only "one, two, three, four," and he thought
+having any words at all a very dangerous innovation.
+
+
+A Cornish rector had a tickling cough, and was recommended by his doctor
+to go to Exeter and have his uvula cut, which he did. Some time
+afterwards another patient, suffering in the same way, applied to the
+same doctor, who wrote a little note to the rector, asking him who had
+shortened his uvula, and how it had succeeded. The doctor wrote a
+very bad hand, and the clergyman read "roller" for "uvula." It happened
+that he had lately had a stone roller shortened that it might pass
+through a garden gate, so he wrote back, "Dear sir, it was done by a
+stonemason in the village. He cut off eighteen inches, and it is now six
+feet long, and answers thoroughly."
+
+
+Mr. Burgon had a class of young ladies at Oxford, and had occasion to
+mention the Targums, when he stopped and said, "By the way, do any of
+you young ladies know what a Targum is?" One of them replied, "It's a
+bird with white wings, rather larger than a partridge."
+
+
+A curate at Witney in 1888 called upon a parishioner for the first time,
+and found him at home. The man received him with the utmost coolness,
+proceeded to take down a bust of Disraeli from a shelf, placed it on the
+table before the curate, and said, "Now, sir, be you for 'im, or be you
+for t' other un?" This was to determine whether to be friendly or not.
+
+
+The late Mr. William Lyttelton, Rector of Hagley, told me one day that
+he had just met an old lady who stammered very badly. She told Mr.
+Lyttelton that she had just lost a cousin, and, being distressed, had
+sent for her clergyman to console her. "And what d-d-do you th-think the
+man d-d-d-d-did, Mr. Lyttelton?" she said. "I'm sure I don't know," he
+replied. "Why, he read me all ab-b-bout D-d-david and B-b-b-bathsheba! A
+very g-g-good man, you know, Mr. Lyttelton, b-b-but not j-j-judicious!"
+
+
+A friend of mine, an Archdeacon, at a dinner of professors at Goettingen,
+sat by Wieseler, who descanted on the excellence of the English Church,
+and was especially charmed with what he heard of bishops sinking their
+personality and becoming known only by the name of their sees. He
+himself had learnt more from one of them than from any foreign writer:
+he referred to the great Thomas Carlyle.
+
+
+The present Vicar of Almondbury went to a barber's shop in Chatham to
+have his hair cut at the time that he was curate there. The artist asked
+him if he had known his son at Oxford, and explained that he had meant
+him for his own profession, but he hadn't the brains for it, so he sent
+him into the Church.
+
+
+  =Transcriber's Notes:=
+  hyphenation, spelling and grammar have been preserved as in the original
+  Page 9, foun among others ==> found among others
+  Page 51, trying to the congregration ==> trying to the congregation
+  Page 67, Answer: Because they didn't ==> Answer: "Because they didn't
+  Page 58, To this she answered == To this she answered,
+  Page 82, you wont deceive ==> you won't deceive
+  Page 87, the same. ==> the same."
+  Page 89, 'Weel, I must say ==> "Weel, I must say
+  Page 125, said, ""I've lost ==> said, "I've lost
+  Page 142, young ladies at at Oxford ==> young ladies at Oxford
+  Page 143, D-d-d avid ==> D-d-david
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lighter Moments from the Notebook of
+Bishop Walsham How, by Frederick Douglas How
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LIGHTER MOMENTS--BISHOP WALSHAM HOW ***
+
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