initial commit of ebook 36995HEADmain

25 files changed, 6507 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/36995-8.txt b/36995-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c4f57d0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1959 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+May 31, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 150, May 31, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 7, 2011 [EBook #36995]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, David Garcia and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150.
+
+MAY 31, 1916.
+
+
+[Illustration: _Retired Major (to mendicant who has claimed to have seen
+service in the South African War)._ "WRETCHED IMPOSTOR! THAT IS AN
+INDIAN MUTINY RIBBON."
+
+_Mendicant._ "LUMME! IS IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+A conscientious objector told the Cambridge tribunal that he could not
+pass a butcher's shop without shuddering. The suggestion that he should
+obviate the shudders by going inside seems almost too simple a solution.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+According to a report of the committee appointed to investigate the
+matter, water is the best agent for suppressing conflagrations caused
+by bombs. It is not suggested, however, that other remedies now in
+use for the purpose, such as the censorship of the Press, should be
+completely abandoned.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+According to Reuter (whom we have no reason to doubt) a campaign is now
+being waged in German East Africa against giraffes, which have been
+inconveniencing our telegraphic system by scratching the wires with
+their necks. It will be remembered that the policy of using giraffes
+instead of telegraph poles was adopted by the War Office in the face
+of a strong body of adverse opinion.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+It is reported that, as the result of the prohibition by Sweden of the
+exportation of haddock, salmon, cleverly disguised to resemble the
+former, are being sold by unscrupulous fishmongers in the Mile End Road.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+An arsenal worker has pleaded for exemption on the ground that he had
+seven little pigs to look after. The Tribunal however promised him that
+in the German trenches he would find as many full-grown pigs to look
+after as the heart of man could desire.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+"In showing how to use as little meat as possible," says a contemporary
+in the course of a review of the Thrift Exhibition of the National
+School of Cookery, "a cook mixed the steak for her pudding in with
+the pastry." This is a striking improvement upon the old-fashioned
+method of serving the pastry by itself and mixing the steak with the
+banana-fritters.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+"A cricketer from the Front" (says an evening paper) "believes a lot of
+fellows would escape wounds if they would watch missiles more carefully."
+It would, of course, be better still if there was a really courageous
+umpire to cry "No-ball" in all cases of objectionable delivery.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+Addressing the staff at SELFRIDGE's on Empire Day, Mr. GORDON SELFRIDGE
+said he was glad that President WILSON, "who had had his ear to the ground
+for a long time, had at last seemed to realise that the American nation
+was at heart wholly with the principles that animated the Allies in
+this world struggle." But why put his ear to the ground to listen? Does
+he imagine that the heart of the American nation is in its boots?
+
+     *   *   *
+
+The Lord Mayor of LONDON states that he expects that within a couple of
+years he will be able to reach his estate, seventy miles from London,
+in half-an-hour by aeroplane. We hope his prophecy may be realised,
+but we cannot help wondering what would happen if his aeroplane were
+to turn turtle on the way.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+A legal point has been raised as to whether a woman who, while attempting
+to kill a wasp, breaks her neighbour's window is liable for damages.
+Counsel is understood to have expressed the view that, if the defendant
+had broken plaintiff's window while trespassing through the same
+in pursuit of the wasp, or had failed to give the wasp a reasonable
+opportunity of departing peaceably, or if it could be shown that the
+wasp had not previously exhibited a ferocious disposition, then judgment
+must be for the plaintiff.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Here in a circular letter from the Home Office we find the
+    sentence: 'The increase in the number of juvenile offenders is
+    mainly caused by an increase of nearly 50 per cent. in cases
+    of larceny.' In ordinary human language this only means that
+    nearly twice as many children were caught thieving as in the
+    year before. But it would be all that an official's place was
+    worth to say so."
+
+                                                          _The Nation._
+
+Certainly it would, if his duties required a knowledge of elementary
+arithmetic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE BRITISH DRAGON.
+
+    [The KAISER's Chancellor, in an interview with the American
+    journalist, KARL VON WIEGAND, accuses England of militarism, and
+    alleges that we pursued towards Germany a policy of envelopment
+    (_Einkreisungspolitik_).]
+
+
+  They mocked us for a peaceful folk,
+    A land that flowed with beer and chops;
+  NAPOLEON (ere we had him broke)
+    Remarked our taste for keeping shops;
+  And WILLIAM, in his humorous way,
+    Thought that we must have all gone barmy
+  Because we joined so large a fray
+    With so absurdly small an army.
+
+  Opinions alter. Now it seems,
+    Under our outer rind, or peel,
+  Deep at the core of England's schemes
+    There lurked a lust for blood and steel;
+  Herr BETHMANN-HOLLWEG he proclaims
+    The War was due to our intrigue and
+  Expounds our militaristic aims
+    Into the ear of Herr VON WIEGAND.
+
+  We are a dragon belching fire,
+    One of those horrors, spawned in hell,
+  Who come from wallowing in the mire
+    To crunch the innocent damosel;
+  And when we've nosed about and found
+    What looks to be a toothsome jawful
+  We call our mates and ring her round
+    With other dragons just as awful.
+
+  Prussia was ever such a maid;
+    Pink-toed and fair and free from guile
+  She frolicked in the flowery glade,
+    Pursuing Culture all the while;
+  Then, coached by GREY, the monsters came,
+    And their behaviour (something horrid)
+  BETHMANN condemns, and brands the blame
+    Upon the premier dragon's forehead.
+
+                                                                   O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+No. XL.
+
+(_From a German._)
+
+
+Yes, and for the very reason that I am a German I am speaking to you,
+so that you may know what one German at least thinks of you and your
+deeds. For I know that even where you sit walled about by your flatterers,
+ramparted against the intrusion of any fresh breath of criticism, and
+protected by entanglements of barbed wire against any hint of doubt as to
+your god-like attributes--even there I know that my voice shall in time
+reach you, and you shall become aware that there is a German who dares
+to say of you what millions of Germans think and soon will dare to say.
+
+You are the man, Sir, who by a word spoken in a seasonable moment might
+have forbidden the War, and this word you refused to speak because,
+knowing your own preparations for war and those of the nations whom
+you forced to be your enemies, you anticipated an easy and a swift
+triumph. You believed that, after spending a few thousands of men and a
+few millions of marks, victory would be yours, and you would be able,
+as an unquestioned conqueror, to dictate peace to those who had dared
+to oppose you. And thus in a few months at the most you would return
+to Berlin and prance along the flower-strewn streets at the head of
+your victorious and but little-injured regiments. It is told of you
+that lately, when you visited a great hospital crowded with maimed and
+shattered men, your vain and shallow mind was for a moment startled by
+the terrible sight, and you murmured, "It was not I who willed this."
+In part you were right. You did not consciously will to bring upon
+your country the suffering and the misery you have caused, because you
+were willing to take the gambler's chance; but in the sight of God,
+to whom you often appeal, you will not escape the responsibility for
+having steadily thrust peace and conciliation aside when, as I say,
+by one word you might have avoided war.
+
+Germany, you will say, is a great nation and cannot brook being insulted
+and defied. Great Heaven, Sir, who denied that Germany was great? Who
+wished to insult or defy her? Not France, whose one desire was to
+live in peace; not Russia, still bleeding from wounds suffered at the
+hands of Japan; not England, still, as of old, intent on her commercial
+development, though anxious, naturally enough, for her Fleet; not Italy,
+bound to you by a treaty designed to guard against aggression. It is
+true that all nations were becoming weary of a violent and hectoring
+diplomacy, of a restless and jealous punctilio seeking out occasions
+for misunderstandings and quarrels, and rushing wildly from one crisis
+to another; but under your direction this intolerable system had been
+patented and put in operation by Germany and by no other nation. It was
+as though a _parvenu_, uncertain of his manners and doubtful as to his
+reception, should burst violently into a _salon_ filled with quiet people
+and, having upset the furniture and thrown the china ornaments about,
+should accuse all the rest of treading on his toes and insulting him. So
+did Germany act, and for such actions you, who had autocratic power--you,
+at whose nod Chancellors trembled--you loved their tremors--and Generals
+quaked with fear--must be held responsible. What low strain of vulgarity
+was it, what coarse desire to bluster and rant yourself into fame and
+honour, rather than to deserve them by a magnanimous patience and a
+gentleness beyond reproach, that drove you on your perilous way? It was
+your pettiness that at the last plunged you into the War.
+
+And now that you have been in it for little short of two years, how
+stands the Fatherland, and where are the visions of easy and all but
+immediate victory? Germany is bleeding at every pore. Her soldiers are
+brave; but to confirm you on your throne you force them day by day to
+a slaughter in which millions have already been laid low. That other
+nations are suffering too is for me no consolation. My thoughts are
+centred on Germany, once so nobly great, and now forced by a restless
+and jealous lunatic into a war to which there seems no end.
+
+I sign myself in deep sorrow,
+
+                                                              A GERMAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"The Mahogany Tree."
+
+    A correspondent writes to Mr. Punch: "In this season's _Printer's
+    Pie_ your old friend and mine, Sir HENRY LUCY, speaks of '"the old
+    mahogany tree" in Bouverie Street, under which THACKERAY for a while
+    sat.' This tantalising sidelight makes many of us pine for fuller
+    information. Did the incident occur on some particular occasion,
+    or did the great novelist make a practice of this engaging form
+    of self-effacement?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At a camp in Essex New Zealand troops joined with the local
+    school children in the celebrations. The men paraded and the New
+    Zealand flag was saluted. Afterwards there was a march past; the
+    National Anthem, Kipling's 'Recessional,' and 'Lest we Forget'
+    were sung."--_The Times._
+
+Mr. KIPLING seems to have got an encore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HELD!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+A REGRETTABLE INCIDENT.
+
+
+Anne was standing in the hall looking like nothing on earth. One of the
+reasons why I gave in to Anne and married her was because of her repose.
+She can look more tragic than BERNHARDT, but she never makes a noise. In
+moments of domestic stress, as when the six hens we had purchased
+contributed one egg and that in the next garden (date of birth unknown),
+Anne assumes a plaintive smile that leaves the English language at the
+post. When the cook, who wears a frayed ulster ornamented with regimental
+badges ranging from the Royal Scots to the Brixton Cyclists, looked
+on the wine and went further, Anne did not blurt out crudities. Having
+shut the kitchen-door behind her, she simply entered the hall and walked
+smoothly to the plate where any persons who call may leave cards. Already
+she had soothed the house; and in that splendid silence, that pursuit
+of the commonplace, she had not merely calmed my dread of the scene
+that accompanies a cab and a constable, but had carolled, as it were,
+to Ethel the nursery-maid tilted over the second floor banisters that
+all was well, or nearly so.
+
+Having stared gravely at a dusty card, which we all knew by heart, Anne
+turned her face and, raising her eyebrows about an eighth of an inch,
+shrugged her shoulders very slightly and passed on.
+
+But on the present occasion there was, so far as I was aware, no domestic
+friction--we had boiled the hens--and I was, I admit, at a loss.
+
+"Come, Herbert," said Anne gently. Then I knew that we were bankrupt--I
+mean, of course, more bankrupt. I knew that the Government, having
+crouched in leash, had sprung with a snarl upon the married man of
+forty-five.
+
+We seated ourselves in Anne's room just as persons do upon the stage,
+Anne, leaning against the shutter, stared dreamily out of the window.
+
+"Tell me," I said.
+
+Anne is a great artist. She dabbed at her cheeks--but lightly, as though
+scorned a tear--smiled bravely at me with moist eyes, and, walking to
+the mantelpiece, adjusted a Dresden shepherdess.
+
+"You have heard me speak of the Ruritanian Relief Fund," she said in a
+splendid off-hand tone.
+
+"Frequently," I responded, but not impatiently.
+
+"It was, you remember, the only possible fund when dear Lady Rogerson
+heard about the War. All the other allied countries had been snapped
+up--there seemed for a while no chance, no hope. Lady Rogerson was
+so brave. She said to me at the time, 'My dear we will not give in--we
+have as much right as anyone else to hold meetings and ask for money.'"
+
+"And so you did, dear--surely you have been in the thick of it. Constantly
+have I seen appeals for Ruritania in the Press."
+
+Anne permitted herself a faint gesture.
+
+"Everything was going so well," she continued, dusting the shepherdess
+abstractedly. "We had a splendid committee, and Lady Rogerson was
+leaving for Ruritania with our Ladies' Coffee Unit this morning. They
+were going to provide hot refreshment for the gallant mountaineers as
+they marched through their beautiful mountain passes--they have them,
+haven't they, Herbert?"
+
+"They must have," I said hotly. It was a nice state of affairs if they
+were going to back out of the coffee on that preposterous ground.
+
+"At the last moment," she sobbed, and, dropping the shepherdess, was
+quite overcome. I was seriously concerned for poor Anne, whose affection
+for the Ruritanians was only rivalled by her ignorance of where the
+blessed country is.
+
+"At the station," she said suddenly in a low voice, "news came that
+Ruritania was not even at war."
+
+"Monstrous," I cried. "Most monstrous."
+
+"So we all came back, and Lady Rogerson was so splendid and looked so
+brave in her sombrero and brass buttons. She explained how it was all
+her own fault--that old Colonel Smith had muddled the names of the
+Allies, and that we must be patient because who knew what might or
+might not happen in the future? But would you believe it, several of
+the Committee said the most awful things about Ruritania and poor Lady
+Rogerson, and in the middle of it all the telephone bell rang."
+
+"Ah," I said, with a knowing look.
+
+"And Lady Rogerson, after a moment, laid down the receiver, turned
+like BOADICEA, and said in a voice I shall never forget, 'Ladies and
+gentlemen, Ruritania declared war this afternoon. If the Coffee Unit
+starts immediately they can catch the night train.'"
+
+Anne paused and made a little cairn of broken china on the mantelpiece.
+
+"I'm so glad," I said, stroking her hand--"so glad. Lady Rogerson
+deserved her triumph."
+
+Anne made no comment for a moment. When she spoke her voice was poignant.
+
+"The Committee sang the National Anthem," she resumed miserably, "and
+we all put on our Ruritanian flags. A vote of confidence in dear Lady
+Rogerson was passed amidst tremendous enthusiasm, and the Coffee Unit
+set off for the station."
+
+"It must now be on its way," I remarked briskly.
+
+"No," said Anne, "never."
+
+"But Ruritania?"
+
+Anne trailed to the door. She was a wonderful artist in effects.
+
+"Ruritania declared war"--
+
+"I know, my dear--you said so"--
+
+"Upon the Allies," added Anne, and left the room.
+
+It was, considering everything, a rotten thing for Ruritania to do.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Boots (in Irish hotel)._ "I'VE FORGOTTEN, CAPTAIN,
+WHETHER YOU WANTED TO BE CALLED AT SIX OR SEVEN."
+
+_Voice from within._ "WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?"
+
+_Boots._ "EIGHT, YER HONOUR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Our Helpful Critics.
+
+    "Browning's _Sordello_ was literature--but not actable
+    drama."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+The same remark applies to _Paradise Lost_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Charwoman._ "PLEASE, MUM, I AIN'T COMING TO WORK HERE NO
+MORE."
+
+_Mistress._ "INDEED. HOW IS THAT?"
+
+_Charwoman._ "WELL, MY MAN'S EARNING SO MUCH NOW THAT THERE'S PLENTY
+COMING IN. LAST WEEK WE WAS OBLIGED TO PUT SOME IN THE SAVINGS-BANK, AND
+I'M AFRAID WE SHALL HAVE TO AGAIN _THIS_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THOUGHTS ON NEWSPAPERS.
+
+
+I swear that this article is not written in the interests of the
+newspaper trade.
+
+If it bears fruit the newspaper trade will score, but that I cannot help.
+It is written in the larger interests of humanity and the sweeter life.
+
+The situation briefly is this. One paper is not enough for any house,
+and some houses or families require many. In the house in which I write,
+situate in a foreign country, there are many exiles from England and
+only one paper, which arrives on the fourth day after publication (thus
+making Wednesday a terrible blank), and sometimes does not complete
+the round of readers until to-morrow. The result is that a bad spirit
+prevails. Normally open and candid persons are found concealing the
+paper against a later and freer hour; terminological inexactitude is
+even resorted to in order to cover such jackdaw-hoardings; glances become
+covetous and suspicious.
+
+All this could be obviated.
+
+I remember hearing of a distinguished and original and masterful
+lady (SARGENT has painted her) in the great days, or rather the
+high-spirited days, of _The Pall Mall Gazette_--when verse was called
+Occ, and it was more important that a leading article should have a comic
+caption than internal sagacity, and six different Autolyci vended their
+wares every week--who had fifteen copies of the paper delivered at her
+house every afternoon, and fifteen copies of _The Times_ every morning,
+so that each one of her family or guests might have a private reading;
+and she was right.
+
+A newspaper should be as personal as a toothbrush or a pipe, otherwise
+how can we tear a paragraph out of it if we want to?--as my friend, Mr.
+Blank, the historian, always does, for that great sociological essay on
+which he is engaged, entitled _The Limit_.
+
+But the idea of having enough papers for all has gained no ground. Even
+clubs don't have enough. And as for dentists----!
+
+Givers of theatre parties have been divided into those who buy a
+programme for each guest and those who buy one programme for all; and
+programmes, for some occult reason which seems to satisfy the British
+ass, cost sixpence each. Yet the enlightened hosts of the first group
+will cheerfully pack their houses with week-enders and supply but one
+_Observer_ for the lot. Why?
+
+The suggestion, even with war-time economy as an ideal before us, is
+not so mad as it sounds. Most of us smoke more cigarettes than we need,
+to an amount far exceeding the cost of six extra morning papers.
+
+The worst of it is that other people can never read a paper for us. Most
+people don't try; they put us off.
+
+If ever a La Rochefoucauld compiles the _sententiæ_ of the breakfast-room
+he must include such apophthegms as these:--
+
+Even the most determined opponent of journalism becomes alert and
+prehensile on the arrival of the paper.
+
+He is a poor master of a house who does not insist upon the first sight
+of the paper.
+
+He is a poor master of a house who, on being asked if there is any news
+of-day, replies in the affirmative.
+
+No papers require so much reading as those with "nothing in them."
+
+He is a poor citizen who could not edit a paper better than its editor.
+
+Into what La Rochefoucauld would say when he came to deal not with the
+readers of papers but with papers themselves, I cannot enter. That is
+a different and a vaster matter. But certainly he should include this
+_pensée_:--
+
+He is a poor editor who does not know more than the PRIME MINISTER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+ABDUL: AN APPRECIATION.
+
+
+I heard the shriek of an approaching shell, something hit the ground
+beneath my feet, and I went sailing through the ether, to land softly on
+an iron hospital cot in a small white-walled room. There was no doubt
+that it was a most extraordinary happening. On the wall beside me was
+a temperature chart, on a table by my bed was a goolah of water, and
+in the air was that subtle Cairene smell. Yes, I was undoubtedly back
+in Cairo. Obviously I must have arrived by that shell.
+
+Then, as I was thinking it all out, appeared to me a vision in a long
+white galabieh. It smiled, or rather its mouth opened, and disclosed
+a row of teeth like hailstones on black garden mould.
+
+"Me Abdul," it said coyly; "gotter givit you one wash."
+
+I was washed in sections, and Abdul did it thoroughly. There came a halt
+after some more than usually strenuous scrubbing at my knees. Mutterings
+of "mushquais" (no good) and a wrinkled brow showed me that Abdul
+was puzzled. Then it dawned on me. I had been wearing shorts at Anzac,
+and Abdul was trying to wash the sunburn off my knees! By dint of bad
+French, worse Arabic, and much sign language I explained. Abdul went
+to the door and jodelled down the corridor, "Mo-haaaaamed, Achmed." Two
+other slaves of the wash-bowl appeared, and to them Abdul disclosed my
+mahogany knees with much the same air as the gentleman who tells one
+the fine points of the living skeleton on Hampstead Heath. They gazed in
+wonder. At last Achmed put his hand on my knee. "This called?" he asked.
+"Knee," I told him.
+
+"Yes," he said thoughtfully, "this neece--Arabic; this" (pointing to an
+unsunburnt part of my leg)--"Eengleesh."
+
+Then the washing proceeded uninterruptedly. "You feelin' very quais
+(good)?" Abdul asked. I told him I was pretty quais, but that I had been
+quaiser. "Ginral comin' safternoon and Missus," he informed me, and I
+gathered that no less a person than the Commander-in-Chief (one of them)
+was to visit the hospital. And so it happened, for about five o'clock
+there was a clinking of spurs in the passage, and the matron ushered
+in an affable brass hat and a very charming lady. In the background
+hovered several staff officers. Suddenly their ranks were burst asunder
+and Abdul appeared breathless.
+
+He had nearly missed the show. He stood over me with an air of ownership
+and suddenly whipped off my bed clothes, displaying my nether limbs. He
+saw he had made an impression. "Neece is Arabic," he said proudly. It was
+Abdul's best turn, and he brought the house down. The visitors departed,
+but for ten minutes I heard loud laughter from down the corridor. Abdul
+had departed in their wake, doubtless to tell Achmed and Mohammed of
+the success of his coup.
+
+I had been smoking cigarettes, but found the habit extravagant, as Abdul
+appreciated them even more than I did. One morning I woke up to see
+him making a cache in his round cotton cap. I kept quiet until he came
+nearer, and then I grabbed his hat. It was as I thought, and about ten
+cigarettes rolled on the floor. I looked sternly at Abdul. He was due to
+wither up and confess. Instead he broke first into a seraphic grin and
+then roared with laughter. "Oh, very funny, very, very funny," he said
+between his paroxysms. Now what could I say after that? I was beaten and
+I had to admit it, but I decided that I would smoke a pipe. To this end
+I gave Abdul ten piastres and sent him out to buy me some tobacco. He
+arrived back in about an hour with two tins worth each eight piastres.
+"Me quais?" he asked expectantly. "Well, you are pretty hot stuff,"
+I admitted, "but how did you do it?"
+
+Abdul held up one tin.
+
+"Me buy this one," he said solemnly; "this one" (holding up the other one)
+"got it!"
+
+"What do you mean, 'got it'?"
+
+"Jus' got it," was all the answer I could get. Then to crown the
+performance he produced two piastres change. Could the genii of the
+_Arabian Nights_ have done better?
+
+I was in that hospital for three months, and I verily believe that if it
+had not been for Abdul I should have been in three months more. He had his
+own way of doing things and people, but he modelled himself unconsciously
+on some personality half-way between FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE and _Fagin's_
+most promising pupil. The day I was to go he cleaned my tunic buttons and
+helmet badge with my tooth-brush and paste and brought them proudly to
+me for thanks. And I thanked him.
+
+The last I saw of Abdul was as I drove away in the ambulance. A pathetic
+figure in a white robe stood out on the balcony and mopped his eyes
+with his cotton cap, and as he took it off his head there fell to the
+ground half-a-dozen crushed cigarettes. It was a typical finale.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE DYSPEPTIC'S DILEMMA.
+
+    [_Maté_, an infusion of the prepared leaves of the _Ilex
+    paraguayensis_, or Brazilian holly, long familiar in South
+    America, is coming into fashion in London.]
+
+
+  In happy ante-bellum days,
+  To quote a memorable phrase,
+  "Whisky and beer, or even wine,
+  Were good enough for me"--and mine.
+
+  But now, in view of heightened taxes
+  And all that grim MCKENNA axes,
+  I have religiously tabooed
+  All alcohol--distilled or brewed.
+
+  But "minerals" are now expensive,
+  And, though the choice may be extensive,
+  I find them, as my strength is waning,
+  More effervescent than sustaining.
+
+  At cocoa's bland nutritious nibs
+  My palate obstinately jibs;
+  And coffee, when I like it best,
+  Plays utter havoc with my rest.
+
+  Tea is a tipple that I love
+  All non-intoxicants above;
+  But on its road to lip from cup
+  All sorts of obstacles crop up.
+
+  On patriotic grounds I curb
+  My preference for the Chinese herb,
+  But for eupeptic reasons think
+  The Indian leaf unsafe to drink.
+
+  Hence am I driven to essay
+  _Maté_, the "tea of Paraguay,"
+  As quaffed by the remote Brazilians,
+  Peruvians, Argentinians, Chilians.
+
+  My doctor, Parry Gorwick, who
+  Believes in this salubrious brew,
+  Has promised from its use renewal
+  Of my depleted vital fuel.
+
+  And so I'm bound to try it--still
+  I wasn't born in far Brazil,
+  And find it hard on leaves of holly
+  To grow exuberantly jolly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A New Reading.
+
+    "Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree, after first posing for screen purposes
+    in California, promises to produce his _Henry VIII._ in New York,
+    with himself as _Cardinal Richelieu_."
+
+                                                   _Munsey's Magazine._
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MR. BIRRELL IN THE DOCK."
+
+                                                 _Dublin Evening Mail._
+
+This is quite a mistake. He has only been in the nettles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The excitement in the Lobby yesterday was reminiscent of the
+    Irish crisis, Members remaining to discuss numberless humours
+    long after they had risen."
+
+                                          _Civil and Military Gazette._
+
+The correspondent who sends us the above extract suggests that the
+Members in question must have been Scotsmen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GETTING THE MASCOT ON PARADE.
+
+"COME ON!"
+
+"GEE UP!"
+
+"NOW, THEN--"
+
+"WE'LL BE LATE--"
+
+ENTER THE DECOY.
+
+WELL AWAY.
+
+(_Never could stand that dog._)
+
+ON PARADE AT LAST--JUST IN TIME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Kindly old Gentleman (distributing cigarettes to soldiers
+returning home on leave)._ "AND WHERE'S YOUR HOME, MY MAN?"
+
+_Scotsman._ "I COME FRA PAISLEY--BUT I CANNA HELP THAT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+BALLADE OF BOOKS FOR THE WOUNDED.
+
+
+  'Midst of the world and the world's despair,
+    A fair land lieth in all men's sight;
+  Ye that have breathed its witching air,
+    Remember the men who went to fight,
+    That have much need in their piteous plight
+      Its gates to gain and its ease to win.
+    The need is bitter, the gift is light;
+      Give them the key to enter in.
+
+  If ever ye crept bowed down with care
+    Thither, and lo! your fears took flight,
+  And the burden of life grew little to bear,
+    And hurts were healed and the way lay bright;
+    If ever ye watched through a wakeful night
+      Till the dawn should break and the dusk grow thin,
+    And a tale brought solace in pain's despite,
+      Give them the key to enter in.
+
+  Once they were stalwart, swift to dare;
+    Little could baulk them, naught affright;
+  Still are they staunch as then they were,
+    Strong to endure as once to smite.
+    Yet for awhile if so they might
+      They would forget the strife and din;
+    Shall they wait at a door shut tight?
+      Give them the key to enter in.
+
+
+ENVOI.
+
+  Friends, this haven is theirs by right;
+    They held it safe for you and your kin:
+  Hereby a little may ye requite--
+    Give them the key to enter in!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A Test of Valour.
+
+    "Mr. Mellish, a regular reader of the _Daily Mail_ for years, was
+    awarded the V.C. last month for conspicuous bravery."--_Daily
+    Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The lack of food is especially irritating to the people, because
+    Bulgaria is a great fool producing country."--_Daily Dispatch._
+
+Yet their irritation seems quite intelligent and sane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+How History is Written.
+
+    "The Prime Minister passed through Cardiff in a special train
+    this morning on his return from Ireland. The train stopped at the
+    station to change engines, but the right hon. gentleman was only
+    recognised by a few of those on the station."--_South Wales Echo._
+
+    "Mr. Asquith travelled _viá_ Rosslare and Fishguard. It was
+    eight a.m. when he left the Pembrokeshire port and 10.25 when
+    the special train pulled up for a few moments at Cardiff. The
+    Prime Minister was then soundly asleep in a sleeping car."
+
+                                           _Evening Express (Cardiff)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INJURED INNOCENCE.
+
+THE GERMAN OGRE. "HEAVEN KNOWS THAT I HAD TO DO THIS IN SELF-DEFENCE; IT
+WAS FORCED UPON ME." (_Aside_) "FEE, FI, FO, FUM!"
+
+[According to the Imperial Chancellor's latest utterance Germany is the
+deeply-wronged victim of British militarism.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: PRESS THE BUTTON, AND UP COMES THE GENIE.]
+
+
+_Monday, May 22nd._--Mr. ASQUITH returned to his place to-day, looking
+all the better for his trip to Ireland. No one was more pleased to see
+him than Mr. TENNANT, who had been subjected all last week to a galling
+fire from the Nationalist snipers. Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY had been especially
+active, employing for the purpose a weapon of unique construction.
+Although discharged at the Treasury Bench, its most destructive effect
+is often produced on the Members who sit just behind him. Mr. DILLON is
+particularly uneasy when Mr. HEALY gets his gun out.
+
+When Mr. ACLAND moved the Vote for the Board of Agriculture there were
+barely two-score of Members present. He made a capital speech, full of
+attractive detail and delivered with unbucolic gusto, but did not succeed
+in greatly increasing the number of his audience.
+
+There was some excuse perhaps for the non-attendance of the Irish Members.
+They have an Agricultural Department of their own, presided over by an
+eminent temperance lecturer who teaches Irish farmers how to grow barley
+for the national beverage. But it might have been supposed that more
+Englishmen and Scotsmen would have torn themselves away from their other
+duties in the smoking-room or elsewhere to hear what the Government had
+to say about the shortage of labour in the fields.
+
+Mr. ACLAND puts his faith in women. If the farmers would only meet them
+half-way the situation would be saved. Mr. PROTHERO thought the farmers'
+wives would have something to say about that. They did not like "London
+minxes trapesing about our farmyard." From their point of view
+conscientious objectors would be a safer substitute.
+
+_Tuesday, May 23rd._--Over ten years have passed since Sir ALFRED
+HARMSWORTH became Baron NORTHCLIFFE, yet never until to-day, I believe,
+has he directly addressed his fellow-Peers, though it is understood
+that through other channels he has occasionally given them the benefit
+of his counsel.
+
+His speech was a sad disappointment to those trade-rivals who have not
+scrupled to attribute his silence to cowardice or incompetence. No
+justification for such insinuations was to be found in his speech
+to-day. He had something practical to say--on Lord MONTAGU's motion
+regarding the Air-Service--and said it so briefly and modestly as to
+throw doubt upon the theory that he personally dictates all those leaders
+in _The Times_ and _The Daily Mail_.
+
+Colonel HALL-WALKER took his seat to-day after a re-election necessitated
+by the transfer of his racing stud to the Government. Up to the present
+Ministers have found it a Greek gift. To-day they had to withstand a
+further attack upon their horse-racing proclivities by Lord CLAUD HAMILTON,
+who, notwithstanding that he is chairman of the railway that serves
+Newmarket, denounced with great fervour the continuance during the War of
+this "most extravagant, alluring and expensive form of public amusement."
+
+In introducing a Vote of Credit for 300 millions, making a total of
+£2,382,000,000 since August, 1914, the PRIME MINISTER said very little
+about the War, except that we were still confident in its triumphant
+issue. Any omission on his part was more than made good by Colonel
+CHURCHILL, who for an hour or more kept the House interested with his
+views on the proper employment of our Armies. Whenever he speaks at
+Westminster one is inclined to remark, "What a strategist!" whereas it
+is rumoured that his admiring comrades in the trenches used to murmur,
+"What a statesman!" One of his best points was that the War Office should
+use their men, not like a heap of shingle, but like pieces of mosaic, each
+in his right place. Colonel CHURCHILL's supporters are still not quite
+sure whether he has yet found his own exact place in the national jigsaw.
+
+_Wednesday, May 24th._--The House of Lords was well attended this
+afternoon, in the expectation of hearing Lord CURZON unfold the programme
+of the new Air Board. But it had to exercise a noble patience. Lord
+GALWAY gave an account of a trip in a Zeppelin; Lord BERESFORD (who,
+strange to say, is much better heard in the Lords than he was in the
+Commons) told how the Government were still awaiting from America a large
+consignment of aeroplanes which as soon as they were delivered would be
+"obsolete six months ago"; and Lord HALDANE (less impressive in mufti
+than when he wore the Lord Chancellor's wig) delivered once again his
+celebrated discourse on the importance of "thinking clearly."
+
+Lord CURZON at least did not seem to require the admonition, for his speech
+indicated that he had carefully considered the possibilities of the Air
+Board. He did not agree with Colonel CHURCHILL that its future would be
+one of harmless impotence or of first-class rows. At any rate the second
+alternative had been rendered less probable by the disappearance from the
+Government of his critic's own "vivid personality."
+
+Mr. ARTHUR PONSONBY and Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD have inadvertently done
+signal service to their country's cause. By raising--on Empire Day,
+too!--the question of peace, and urging the Government to initiate
+negotiations with Germany, they furnished Sir EDWARD GREY with an
+opportunity of dealing faithfully with the recent insidious manoeuvres
+of Herr VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. The only terms of peace that the German
+Government had ever put forward were terms of victory for Germany, and
+we could not reason with the German people so long as they were fed with
+lies. The FOREIGN SECRETARY spoke without a note, and carried away the
+House by his spontaneous indignation. The House had previously passed the
+Lords' amendments, strengthening the Military Service Bill. Altogether
+it was a bad day for the pro-Bosches.
+
+_Thursday, May 25th._--There was a big attendance in the House of Commons
+to hear Mr. ASQUITH unfold his new plan for the regeneration of Ireland.
+In the Peers' Gallery were Lord WIMBORNE, still in a state of suspended
+animation; Lord MACDONNELL, wondering whether Mr. ASQUITH would
+succeed where he and Mr. WYNDHAM failed; and Lord BRYCE, ex-Chief
+Secretary, to whom the Sinn Feiners are indebted for the repeal of the
+Arms Act. On the benches below were the leaders of all the Irish groups,
+including Mr. GINNELL. Even Mr. BIRRELL crept in unobtrusively to learn
+how his chief had solved in nine days the problem that had baffled him
+for as many years. An Irish debate on the old heroic scale was looked upon
+as a certainty.
+
+In half-an-hour all was over. The PRIME MINISTER had no panacea of his
+own to prescribe. All he could say was that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE had been
+deputed by the Cabinet to confer with the various Irish leaders, and that
+he hoped the House would assist the negotiations by deferring debate on
+the Irish situation.
+
+His selection of a peacemaker is generally approved. If anyone knows
+how to handle high explosives without causing a premature concussion, or
+to unite heterogeneous materials by electrical welding, or to utilise
+a high temperature in dealing with refractory ores it should be the
+MINISTER OF MUNITIONS. Everybody wishes him success in his new _rôle_ of
+Harmonious Blacksmith.
+
+Nevertheless some little disappointment was felt by those who had hoped
+for a prompter solution. As an Irish Member expressed it, "This has been
+the dickens of a day. We began with 'Great Expectations' and ended with
+'Our Mutual Friend.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I'VE SEEN IT--'TAIN'T NO GOOD."
+
+"'E GETS 'UNG, DON'T 'E?"
+
+"YUS, BUT THEY DON'T SHOW YER THAT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Policeman's Friend.
+
+    "Cook wanted, used to coppers."--_Daily Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+A CONVENIENT CONSCIENCE.
+
+
+"I'm sorry to disturb you, Theodore," began Mrs. Plapp, opening the door
+of her husband's study, "but I've just been listening at the top of the
+kitchen stairs, and from what I overheard I'm certain that girl Louisa
+is having supper down there with a soldier!"
+
+"Dear, dear!" exclaimed Mr. Plapp; "I can't possibly permit any
+encouragement of militarism under _my_ roof. Just when I'm appealing to
+be exempted from even non-combatant service, too! Go down and tell her
+she must get rid of him at once."
+
+"Couldn't _you_, Theodore?"
+
+"If I did, my love, he would probably refuse to go unless I put him out
+by force, which, as you are aware, is entirely contrary to my principles."
+
+"I was forgetting for the moment, Theodore. Never mind; I'll go myself."
+
+She had not been long gone before a burly stranger entered unceremoniously
+by the study window. "'Scuse me, guv'nor," he said, "but ain't you the
+party whose name I read in the paper--'im what swore 'e wouldn' lift
+'is finger not to save 'is own mother from a 'Un?"
+
+"I am," replied Mr. Plapp complacently. "I disbelieve in meeting violence
+_by_ violence."
+
+"Ah, if there was more blokes like _you_, Guv'nor, this world 'ud be a
+better plice, for some on us. Blagg, _my_ name is. Us perfeshnals ain't
+bin very busy doorin' this War, feelin' it wasn't the square thing,
+like, to break into 'omes as might 'ave members away fightin' fer our
+rights and property. But I reckon I ain't doin' nothink unpatriotic in
+comin' _'ere_. So jest you show me where you keeps yer silver."
+
+"The little we possess," said Mr. Plapp, rising, "is on the sideboard
+in the dining-room. If you will excuse me for a moment I'll go in and
+get it for you."
+
+"And lock me in 'ere while you ring up the slops!" retorted
+Mr. Blagg. "You don't go in not without _me_, you don't; and, unless
+you want a bullet through yer 'ed, you'd better make no noise neither!"
+
+No one could possibly have made less noise than Mr. Theodore Plapp,
+as, with the muzzle of his visitor's revolver pressed between his
+shoulder-blades, he hospitably led the way to the dining-room. There
+Mr. Blagg, with his back to the open door, superintended the packing of
+the plate in a bag he had brought for the purpose.
+
+"And now," said Mr. Plapp, as he put in the final fork, "there is
+nothing to detain you here any longer, unless I may offer you a glass
+of barley-water and a plasmon biscuit before you go?"
+
+Mr. Blagg consigned these refreshments to a region where the former
+at least might be more appreciated. "You kerry that bag inter the
+drorin'-room, will yer?" he said. "There may be one or two articles
+in there to take my fancy. 'Ere! 'Old 'ard!" he broke off suddenly,
+"What the blankety blank are you a-doin' of?"
+
+This apostrophe was addressed, however, not to his host, who was doing
+nothing whatever, but to the unseen owner of a pair of khaki-clad arms
+which had just pinioned him from behind. During the rough-and-tumble
+conflict that followed Mr. Plapp discreetly left the room, returning
+after a brief absence to find the soldier kneeling on Mr. Blagg's chest.
+
+"Good!" he said encouragingly; "you won't have to keep him down long.
+Help is at hand."
+
+"Why don't you _give_ it me, then?" said the soldier, on whom the strain
+was evidently beginning to tell.
+
+"Because, my friend," explained Mr. Plapp, "if I did I should be acting
+against my conscience."
+
+"You _'ear_ 'im, matey?" panted Mr. Blagg. "'E's _agin_ you, 'e is. Agin
+all military-ism. So why the blinkin' blazes do _you_ come buttin' in to
+defend them as don't approve o' bein' defended?"
+
+"Blowed if _I_ know!" was the reply. "'Abit, I expect. Lay still, will
+you?" But Mr. Blagg, being exceptionally muscular, struggled with such
+violence that the issue seemed very doubtful indeed till Louisa rushed
+in to the rescue and, disregarding her employer's protests, succeeded
+in getting hold of the revolver.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"It was lucky for you," remarked Mr. Plapp, after Mr. Blagg had been
+forcibly removed by a couple of constables, "that I had the presence
+of mind to telephone to the police station. I really thought once or
+twice that that dreadful man would have got the better of you."
+
+"And no thanks to _you_ if he didn't," grunted the soldier. "I notice
+that, if your conscience goes against lighting yourself, it don't object
+to calling in others to fight for you."
+
+"As a citizen," Mr. Plapp replied, "I have a legal right to police
+protection. Your own intervention, though I admit it was timely, was
+uninvited by me, and, indeed, I consider your presence here requires
+some explanation."
+
+"I'd come up to tell you, as I told your good lady 'ere, that me and
+Louisa got married this morning, as I was home on six days' furlough
+from the Front. And she'll be leaving with me this very night."
+
+"But only for the er--honeymoon, I trust?" cried Mr. Plapp, naturally
+dismayed at the prospect of losing so faithful and competent a
+maid-of-all-work altogether. "Although I cannot approve of this marriage,
+I am willing, under the circumstances, to overlook it and allow her to
+remain in my service."
+
+"Remain!" said Louisa's husband, in a tone Mr. Plapp thought most uncalled
+for. "Why, I should never 'ave another 'appy moment in the trenches if I
+left her _'ere_, with no one to protect her but a thing like _you_! No,
+she's going to be in the care of someone I can _depend_ on--my old aunt!"
+
+"I don't like losing Louisa," murmured Mrs. Plapp, so softly that her
+husband failed to catch her remark, "but--I think you're wise."
+
+                                                                  F. A.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Slacker (to second ditto)._ "WELL, NO ONE CAN SAY
+WE'RE NOT PATRIOTS.  WE'RE NOT KEEPING ABLE-BODIED CADDIES FROM JOINING
+THE ARMY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Dangerous Quest.
+
+    "Lost, at Bestwood, Saturday, Irish Terrier Dog, finder rewarded,
+    dead or alive."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant._ "'ERE, WHAT ARE YOU FALLING OUT FOR?"
+
+_Excited Cockney._ "SEE THAT PIGEON? I'LL SWEAR 'E'S GOT A MESSAGE
+ON 'IM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+SCREEN INFLUENCES.
+
+
+The plea, "I saw it at the Cinema," may be offered by others than those
+of tender years in excuse for vagaries of conduct.
+
+Only the other day a young officer, wearing his Sam Browne equipment
+the wrong way round and carrying his sword under his left arm, was
+seen at King's Cross bidding farewell to his fiancée. As the train
+moved out he drew his sword, threw the scabbard away, and, standing
+stiffly to attention, saluted the fair lady. On being questioned by
+the authorities he said he was not aware that his conduct was unusual,
+as he had often seen that kind of thing done at the Cinema.
+
+In view of the popularity of the Cinema to-day, habitués of our more
+palatial restaurants cannot be surprised at the growing custom among
+men about town of wearing the napkin tucked deeply in at the neck,
+cutting up all their food at one time, and conveying it afterwards to
+the mouth with the fork grasped in the right hand.
+
+The following incident will show that the Cinema excuse is made to serve
+in other lands also. A simple Saxon soldier, in a moment of remembrance,
+stooped to pat the rosy cheek of a small Belgian child, then lifted the
+little one up and kissed him and kissed him again. A young officer
+caught him in the act. "What do you mean, you dog, by treating the
+brat so?" roared the lieutenant, who would have struck the man had not
+his companion, an older officer, restrained him. Together they waited
+for the fellow's explanation. "When I was on leave," said the soldier,
+"I--I saw Prussian soldiers treating little Belgian children like that--at
+the Cinema."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"The Elements so mixed" again.
+
+    "Of two evils always choose the lesser, and on the whole we
+    think we might fall from the frying-pan into the fire if we
+    swopped horses whilst crossing the stream."--_Financial Critic._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Is the German Chancellor alone to be allowed to scatter broadcast
+    his falsifications of history?"--_Daily Telegraph._
+
+Oh, no! Some Members of the House of Commons have recently given him
+valuable assistance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "How an Irish colleen travelled free from Ireland to London was
+    explained at the Willesden Police Court yesterday, when she was
+    charged with not paying her face."
+
+                                                        _Daily Sketch._
+
+Rather ungrateful of her, after travelling on it so far.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+XV.--BILLINGSGATE.
+
+  "Trot, mare, trot, or I'll be late,
+  And Billing will have locked his Gate.
+
+        "Mister Billing,
+        Are you willing
+    To open your Gate to me?"
+        "Yes!" says Billing,
+        "Give me a shilling
+    And I will fetch the key."
+
+        "Mister Billing,
+        I haven't a shilling,
+    I'll give you a button of horn."
+        "No!" says Billing,
+        "I'm unwilling,
+    A button will buy no corn."
+
+  "Take it or leave it, but I can't wait--
+  Jump, mare, jump over Billing's Gate!"
+
+
+XVI.--LIMEHOUSE AND POPLAR.
+
+  I planted a limestone once upon a time,
+  And up came a little wee House of Lime.
+
+  I planted a seed by the corner of the wall,
+  And up came a Poplar ninety feet tall.
+
+  I settled down for life, as happy as could be,
+  In my little wee Lime-House by my big Poplar-Tree.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
+
+
+Late October and a grey morning tinging to gold through the warming
+mist. A large comfortable dining-room smelling faintly of chrysanthemums
+and more strongly of coffee and breakfast dishes. In the hearth a great
+fire, throwing its flames about as with joy of life. The table-cloth,
+the silver, the dishes, the carpet on the floor, the side-board, the
+pictures, the wall-paper told of wealth and ease, the fruits of peace,
+and the arrangement of these things told of the good taste which is so
+essentially the fruit of long peace.
+
+The room was empty, and the first to enter it that morning was the Mother.
+She was a tall imposing woman, and her bearing and her little mannerisms
+were of the kind that the latter-day novelists have delighted to use
+as matter for their irony. It was the Boy's birthday--his eighteenth
+birthday, the first he had spent at home since he had been going to
+his preparatory and his public school. So she departed from the usual
+routine to place by the side of his napkin the neat little parcels she
+had brought down with her. Two of them were from her other sons fighting
+in France. They were a very affectionate and united family--father and
+mother and the three sons.
+
+After that she went to her husband's end of the table and looked through
+the heap of letters placed there as usual by the admirable butler. It
+was understood of old that she opened no letters but those addressed
+to her, not even the letters from the fighting sons when they happened
+to write to their father instead of to her.
+
+This time, however, her eye caught at once, between the edges of the
+others, an official envelope and, lower yet, another. She became rigid
+and stood for a minute by the table, her mind running vaguely into
+endless depths. Then she put her hand out and picked the envelopes from
+the heap and saw that her fears might not be groundless. But they were
+addressed to her husband, and at that moment she heard his tread and
+his slight cough as he came slowly down the stairs. Hastily she pushed
+them back among the others and went to her place. When he came into
+the room she was busy with the urn.
+
+As usual he was just putting his handkerchief back; as usual he looked
+out of the window, then walked over to the fire and warmed his hands
+automatically. All this business of coming down to breakfast had been
+to him for so many years a leisurely pleasant business in a world free
+from serious worries, that even the War, with its terrible disturbances,
+with its breaking up of the family circle, had not succeeded in altering
+his habits. Everything waited for him--for he was not unpunctual--the
+letters, the newspaper and the breakfast. But this day was the Boy's
+birthday and the Father took from his pocket an envelope and placed it
+with a smile by the side of the little parcels.
+
+Would he never look at his letters? The Mother was on the point of
+speaking, but long habit, the old habit of obedience to her lord,
+restrained her. Even now, when she was cold with anxiety, those old
+concealed forces of habit restrained her. Might she not offend him?
+
+The Father sat down, put on his glasses and began to look at the pile by
+his side. She noticed the slight start he gave and her eyes met his as
+he looked up suddenly at her. Deliberately braving Fate, he put those
+two envelopes aside. It was evident that he meant to read through all
+the others first, but he was not so strong as he thought. His fingers
+went again to the official envelopes and he took up the letter-opener
+placed ready for his use by the admirable butler and slit along the
+top of one envelope and took the thin paper from it and read.
+
+His head drooped a little, and the Mother came round to his side. Then
+he opened the other and suddenly sat very still, with his great strong
+fine hand open on the paper, gazing straight in front of him. His wife
+bent over him and tried to speak, but her voice had died to a whisper,
+a hoarse straining sound.
+
+"Dead?" she said at last.
+
+Her husband dropped his head in affirmation.
+
+"Which?"
+
+He did not answer and the Mother understood. "Oh, Harry, not _both_?"
+
+Again his head drooped and he fumbled for the papers and gave them to
+her, and as he did so a tear rolled suddenly down his cheek and splashed
+on a spoon. It seemed to be a sign to him, he felt his courage giving
+way and visibly pulled himself together. Then he turned to take the
+Mother's hand, rising from his seat. They stood a little while thus,
+the Mother looking away, as he had done, into unfathomable distances
+of time and space. Then she too pulled herself together and went to her
+place at the other end of the table. They heard steps on the staircase,
+a voice singing. The door opened and the Boy came in late and expecting
+a comment from his father, His eyes travelled to the parcels beside his
+plate, then he felt the silence and saw the strained expressions of his
+mother and father and lastly the official papers. He came forward and
+spoke bravely.
+
+"Bad news, Dad?"
+
+There was no answer. He had not expected one, for he read the truth on
+the face that had never lied. He stood very still for a brief moment, his
+head up--characteristically--his face a little pale. Both brothers! Then
+he breathed deeply and turned to his father in expectation. The latter
+knew what was wanted.
+
+"You are eighteen to-day, Boy. You may apply for your commission."
+
+There was a cry, quickly stifled, from the Mother, and the Boy said very
+quietly, "Thank you, Dad; of course I must go now." Then he went to his
+mother and kissed her and was not ashamed to cry.
+
+It was his father who broke the silence.
+
+"May God grant you many returns, many happy returns of the day!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE SORROWS OF WILSON.
+
+(_With humble apologies to THACKERAY._)
+
+  WILSON had a love for Charlotte
+    That impelled him to address her
+  (Charlotte was a town, and WILSON
+    Was a famous ex-Professor).
+
+  So upon the War in Europe
+    He delivered an oration,
+  Darkly hinting at the problems
+    Calling for elucidation.
+
+  As reported in the papers,
+    He discussed the situation
+  With Olympian detachment
+    And conspicuous moderation.
+
+  But the wireless WOLFF discovered
+    In his words a declaration
+  Of his laudable intention
+    To proceed to mediation.
+
+  Thus the speech, which cost good WILSON
+    Many hours of toil and trouble,
+  From a sober cautious statement
+    Turned into a Berlin bubble.
+
+  Charlotte, having heard the lecture,
+    Ignorant of what was brewing,
+  Like a well-conducted city
+    Went on innocently chewing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The water in the South-West Norfolk Fens has now subsided about
+    6 in. Two 6 ft. openings have been cut in the river bank near
+    the Southery engine to let the water flow into the river. Two
+    temporary slackers have been put in the openings, so that they
+    can be closed when the tide is higher in the river."
+
+                                                    _Provincial Paper._
+
+They might just as well have been put into the trenches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Orderly Officer._ "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITHOUT YOUR RIFLE,
+SENTRY?"
+
+_Tommy._ "BEG PARDON, SIR, BUT I AIN'T THE SENTRY."
+
+_Orderly Officer._ "WHO ARE YOU, THEN, AND WHERE IS THE SENTRY?"
+
+_Tommy._ "OH, 'E'S INSIDE OUT OF THE RAIN. _I'M_ ONE OF THE PRISONERS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+
+Herr HERMANN FERNAU's _Because I am a German_ (CONSTABLE) is a sort of
+postscript to the widely-outside-Germany-circulated _J'accuse!_, that
+vigorous indictment by an anonymous German of the Prussian clique as
+the criminal authors of the War. Herr FERNAU summarises the argument of
+_J'accuse!_ and if anyone cares to have at his finger-tips the essential
+case against the enemy he could not do better than absorb the six pages in
+which twenty-four questions put by the anonymous author to the directors
+of his unhappy country's destiny are most skilfully compressed. Four
+attempted German answers are shown by our author to have in common an
+amazing reluctance to deal with any single definite point at issue;
+and a most unjudicial appeal to popular hatred of the traitor critic. Of
+course it is a cheap line to welcome as a miracle of wisdom every German
+who takes a pro-Ally view. But I honestly detect no shadow of pro-Ally
+bias in this book, and it is certainly no tirade against Germany. What
+bias there is is that of the extreme republican against his autocratic
+government. "I have read," says Herr FERNAU in effect, "this perfectly
+serious and definite indictment lucidly drawn in legal form. I hope as a
+German (not afraid to sign my name) there is an answer. But whereas the
+Entente Powers have supported their official case by documentary evidence
+we are asked to accept mere asseveration in the case of Germany. That
+is the less allowable as the obvious (though not necessarily the true)
+reading of the facts is against her. Silence and vigorous suppression
+of the indictment look rather like signs of guilt." Yes, emphatically
+a book for members of the Independent Labour Party.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Beatrice Lovelace_ belonged to a family that had come down in the world,
+and were now Reduced County. So far reduced, indeed, that _Beatrice_
+lived with her cross aunt _Anastasia_ and one little maid-of-all-work
+in a tiny house in a very dull suburb, where the aunt would not allow
+her to be friends with the neighbours. However, one fine day two
+things happened. _Beatrice_ got to know the young man next door, and
+the little servant (whose name, by a silly coincidence which vexed
+me, happened to be _Million_) was left a million dollars. So, as the
+house was already uncomfortable by reason of a row about the young man,
+_Beatrice_ determined to shake the suburban dust from her shapely feet
+and take service as maid to her ex-domestic. That is why the story of
+it is called _Miss Million's Maid_ (HUTCHINSON). An excellent story, too,
+told with great verve by Mrs. OLIVER ONIONS. I could never attempt to
+detail the complicated adventures to which their fantastic situation
+exposes _Beatrice_ and _Million_. Of course they have each a lover; indeed,
+the supply of suitors is soon in excess of the demand. Also there is an
+apparent abduction of the heiress (which turns out to be no abduction at
+all, but a very pleasant and kindly episode, which I won't spoil for you),
+and a complicated affair of a stolen ruby that brings both heroines into
+the dock. It is all great fun and as unreal as a fairy-tale. For which
+reason may I suggest that it was an error to date it 1914? Such nonsensical
+and dream-like imaginings are so happily out of key with the world-tragedy
+that its introduction strikes a note of discord.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have just finished reading a distinguished book, _One of Our
+Grandmothers_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL), by ETHEL COLBURN MAYNE--a book full of a
+delicate insight and very shrewd characterisation. It probes to the heart
+of the mystery of girlhood--Irish girlhood in this case. I certainly
+think that _Millicent_, who was a sort of prig, yet splendidly alive,
+with her gift of music (which, contrary to custom in these matters,
+the author makes you really believe in), her temperament, her temper
+and her limitless demands on life, would have given young _Maryon_,
+of the Royal Irish Constabulary, a trying time of it; but it would
+have been worth it. That, by the way, was _Jerry's_ opinion, common,
+horsey, true-hearted, clean-minded little _Jerry_, who was the father
+of _Millicent's_ coarse and something cruel stepmother. I have rarely
+read a more fragrant chapter than that in which this queer, sensitive,
+loyal little man tries to cut away the girl's ignorance while healing
+the hurt that a rougher hand (a woman's), making the same attempt, had
+caused. Perhaps Miss _Mayne_ was really trying to trace to its source
+the stream of modern feminism. She is a rare explorer and cartographer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A Rich Man's Table_ (MILLS AND BOON) is one of those stories that I find
+slightly irritating, because they appear to lead nowhere. Perhaps this
+attitude is unreasonable, and mere fiction should be all that I have
+a right to look for. But in that case I confess to wishing a little
+more body to it. Miss ELLA MACMAHON's latest novel is somehow a little
+flat; not even the splintered infinitive on the first page could impart any
+real snap to it. The rich man was Mr. _Bentley Broke_, a pompous person,
+who had one child, a son of literary leanings named _Otho_. Perhaps
+I was intended to sympathise with _Otho_. It looked like it at first;
+but later, when he left home and married, without paternal blessing, the
+daughter of his father's great rival, he developed into such a fool--and
+objectionable at that--that I became uncertain on the matter. Especially
+as the pompous parent, lacking nerve to carry out a matrimonial venture
+on his own account, relented and behaved quite decently to the rebellious
+pair. So the rich man's table would have, as all tables should, more than
+one pair of legs under it again. Nothing very fresh or thrilling in all
+this, you may observe. But the characters, for what they are, live, and
+are drawn briskly enough. And there is some skill in the contrast between
+a dinner of herbs in Fulham, and a stalled ox, with fatted calf, at the
+rich man's table in Portman Square. Perhaps this is the point of the story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+So often have I read and admired the novels of "M. E. FRANCIS" that to
+praise her work has become a habit which it irks me to break. But I am
+now bound to say that _Penton's Captain_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) has not added
+to my debt. And the cause of the trouble--as of so many other troubles--is
+the War. In her own line Mrs. _Blundell_ is inimitable, but here she is
+just one of a hundred or a thousand whose fiction seems trivial beside the
+facts of life and death. Apart from this defect, her story is absolutely
+without offence, a simple tale of love and misunderstandings and war and
+heroism, and the curtain falls upon a scene of complete happiness. Her
+only fault is that she has been tempted, excusably enough in these days
+of upheaval, to wander from her element, and I am looking forward to the
+day when she returns to it and I can again thank her with the old zest
+and sincerity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As a painstaking study of lower middle-class life _The Progress of Kay_
+(CONSTABLE) is to be remarked and remembered. That is not, however, to say
+that it is exciting, for _Kay's_ progress consisted so much in just
+getting older that I suspect Mr. G. W. BULLETT's title to be ironical. As
+a child _Kay_ had some imagination and a sense of mischief; as an adult
+he would have been all the better for a little military training, and
+there is no disguising the fact that as a married man and a father he
+was a dreary creature. I can well believe, from the air of truth which
+these pages wear, that there are plenty of _Kays_ in the world to-day;
+and to confess that I was not greatly intrigued by this particular sample
+when he grew to man's estate is in its way a compliment to his creator. For
+however much you may like or dislike the mark at which Mr. BULLETT has
+aimed there is no doubt that he has hit it. Villadom, by his art, takes
+on a revived significance, and _Kay's_ career encourages reflection
+touched by a vague sadness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FALSE ECONOMY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Tale for the Horse-Marines.
+
+                                                     "_London, Sunday._
+
+    "While a British submarine was rescuing the Zeppelin crew in the
+    North Sea, a German cruiser fired at it.
+
+    "The Cavalry from Salonika are pursuing the remainder of the
+    Zeppelin crew."--_Egyptian Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LONDON STOCKS.
+
+REVIVAL IN GUILT-EDGED SECURITIES."
+
+                                        _Manchester Evening Chronicle._
+
+Now we hope our contemporary will coin an equally felicitous description
+for the pillory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Hughes, the Australian Prime Minister, was carried
+    triumphantly round camp last night after he had addressed nearly
+    two thousand Anzacs on parade. Mr. Hughes was accompanied by
+    Mrs. Hughes, Mr. Fisher, High Commissioner, and Mrs. Fisher.
+    Brigadier-General Sir Newton Moore, Commander-in-Chief of the
+    Australian Forces in England, was also present with Lady Moore."
+
+                                                       _Morning Paper._
+
+It is regrettable that General and Lady MOORE could not share the honours,
+but probably the chair was constructed to carry four only.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol.
+150, May 31, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+***** This file should be named 36995-8.txt or 36995-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/9/9/36995/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, David Garcia and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/36995-8.zip b/36995-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1a3adec
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-8.zip
diff --git a/36995-h.zip b/36995-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8f0c34b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h.zip
diff --git a/36995-h/36995-h.htm b/36995-h/36995-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..70b5720
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/36995-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2573 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd">
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+    content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+<meta content="pg2html (binary v0.20)" name="generator" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of
+    Punch, Vol. 150, May 31, 1916.
+</title>
+<style type="text/css">
+ body { margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; }
+    p { text-indent:   1em;
+        margin-top:    .75em;
+        font-size:     100%;
+        text-align:    justify;
+        margin-bottom: .75em; }
+    h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { text-align: center; }
+    hr      { width: 50%; margin: 1.5em auto 1.5em auto; }
+    hr.full { width: 100%; margin: 1.5em auto 1.5em auto; }
+    .poem         { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 10%;
+                    margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left; }
+    .poem .stanza { margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; }
+    .poem p       { margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em; }
+    .poem p.i2  { margin-left: 1.5em; }
+    .poem p.i4  { margin-left: 2.5em; }
+    .poem p.i6  { margin-left: 3.5em; }
+    .poem p.i8  { margin-left: 4.5em; }
+    .quote { margin-left: 6%; margin-right: 6%;
+             text-indent: 0em; font-size: 100%; }
+    .center { text-indent: 0; text-align: center; }
+    .right  { text-indent: 0; text-align: right; }
+    .sc     { font-variant: small-caps; }
+    a,img   { text-decoration: none!important; border:none!important; }
+    table   { margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; width: 75%; }
+    td      { padding: 0em .5em 0em .5em; }
+
+    span.pagenum { position: absolute; right: 1%; left: 91%;
+                   font-size: 8pt; color: gray; background-color: inherit; }
+
+    .figure { margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;
+              text-indent: 0em; text-align: center; font-size: 90%; }
+
+    hr.short   { width: 20%; }
+    .figure, .figcenter, .figright
+               { padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 100%; }
+    .figure p  { text-align: justify; text-indent: -1em;
+                 font-size: 100%; width: 80%; margin: auto; }
+</style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+May 31, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 150, May 31, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 7, 2011 [EBook #36995]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, David Garcia and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div style="height: 6em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h1>
+    PUNCH,
+<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+</h1>
+<h3>
+VOL. 150.
+<br />
+MAY 31, 1916.
+</h3>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<p class="quote">
+<b>CONTENTS:</b>
+<a href="#h2H_4_0002">CHARIVARIA.</a> &mdash;
+<a href="#h2H_4_0003">THE BRITISH DRAGON.</a> &mdash;
+<a href="#h2H_4_0004">UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.</a> &mdash;
+<a href="#h2H_4_0005">A REGRETTABLE INCIDENT.</a> &mdash;
+<a href="#h2H_4_0006">THOUGHTS ON NEWSPAPERS.</a> &mdash;
+<a href="#h2H_4_0007">ABDUL: AN APPRECIATION.</a> &mdash;
+<a href="#h2H_4_0008">THE DYSPEPTIC'S DILEMMA.</a> &mdash;
+<a href="#h2H_4_0009">BALLADE OF BOOKS FOR THE WOUNDED.</a> &mdash;
+<a href="#h2H_4_0010">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</a> &mdash;
+<a href="#h2H_4_0011">A CONVENIENT CONSCIENCE.</a> &mdash;
+<a href="#h2H_4_0012">SCREEN INFLUENCES.</a> &mdash;
+<a href="#h2H_4_0013">NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</a> &mdash;
+<a href="#h2H_4_0014">THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.</a> &mdash;
+<a href="#h2H_4_0015">OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</a>
+</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page353" name="page353"></a>[353]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0001"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/388.png"><img src="images/388.png" width="50%"
+title="Retired Major (to mendicant...)"
+alt="Retired Major (to mendicant...)" /></a>
+<br />
+<p>
+<i>Retired Major (to mendicant who has claimed to have seen
+ service in the South African War).</i> '<span class="sc">Wretched impostor! That is an
+ Indian Mutiny ribbon.</span>'
+</p>
+<p>
+<i>Mendicant.</i> "<span class="sc">Lumme! Is it?</span>"
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0002" id="h2H_4_0002"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    CHARIVARIA.
+</h2>
+
+<p>
+A conscientious objector told the Cambridge tribunal that he could not
+pass a butcher's shop without shuddering. The suggestion that he should
+obviate the shudders by going inside seems almost too simple a solution.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+According to a report of the committee appointed to investigate the
+matter, water is the best agent for suppressing conflagrations caused
+by bombs. It is not suggested, however, that other remedies now in
+use for the purpose, such as the censorship of the Press, should be
+completely abandoned.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+According to Reuter (whom we have no reason to doubt) a campaign is now
+being waged in German East Africa against giraffes, which have been
+inconveniencing our telegraphic system by scratching the wires with
+their necks. It will be remembered that the policy of using giraffes
+instead of telegraph poles was adopted by the War Office in the face
+of a strong body of adverse opinion.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+It is reported that, as the result of the prohibition by Sweden of the
+exportation of haddock, salmon, cleverly disguised to resemble the
+former, are being sold by unscrupulous fishmongers in the Mile End Road.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+An arsenal worker has pleaded for exemption on the ground that he had
+seven little pigs to look after. The Tribunal however promised him that
+in the German trenches he would find as many full-grown pigs to look
+after as the heart of man could desire.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+"In showing how to use as little meat as possible," says a contemporary
+in the course of a review of the Thrift Exhibition of the National
+School of Cookery, "a cook mixed the steak for her pudding in with
+the pastry." This is a striking improvement upon the old-fashioned
+method of serving the pastry by itself and mixing the steak with the
+banana-fritters.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+"A cricketer from the Front" (says an evening paper) "believes a lot of
+fellows would escape wounds if they would watch missiles more carefully."
+It would, of course, be better still if there was a really courageous
+umpire to cry "No-ball" in all cases of objectionable delivery.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+Addressing the staff at <span class="sc">Selfridge's</span> on Empire Day, Mr. <span class="sc">Gordon Selfridge</span>
+said he was glad that President <span class="sc">Wilson</span>, "who had had his ear to the ground
+for a long time, had at last seemed to realise that the American nation
+was at heart wholly with the principles that animated the Allies in
+this world struggle." But why put his ear to the ground to listen? Does
+he imagine that the heart of the American nation is in its boots?
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+The Lord Mayor of <span class="sc">London</span> states that he expects that within a couple of
+years he will be able to reach his estate, seventy miles from London,
+in half-an-hour by aeroplane. We hope his prophecy may be realised,
+but we cannot help wondering what would happen if his aeroplane were
+to turn turtle on the way.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+A legal point has been raised as to whether a woman who, while attempting
+to kill a wasp, breaks her neighbour's window is liable for damages.
+Counsel is understood to have expressed the view that, if the defendant
+had broken plaintiff's window while trespassing through the same
+in pursuit of the wasp, or had failed to give the wasp a reasonable
+opportunity of departing peaceably, or if it could be shown that the
+wasp had not previously exhibited a ferocious disposition, then judgment
+must be for the plaintiff.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="quote">
+    "Here in a circular letter from the Home Office we find the
+    sentence: 'The increase in the number of juvenile offenders is
+    mainly caused by an increase of nearly 50 per cent. in cases
+    of larceny.' In ordinary human language this only means that
+    nearly twice as many children were caught thieving as in the
+    year before. But it would be all that an official's place was
+    worth to say so."
+</p>
+<p class="quote" style="text-align: right;">
+                                         <i>The Nation.</i>
+</p>
+<p>
+Certainly it would, if his duties required a knowledge of elementary
+arithmetic.
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page354" name="page354"></a>[354]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0003" id="h2H_4_0003"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    THE BRITISH DRAGON.
+</h2>
+
+<p class="quote">
+    [The <span class="sc">Kaiser's</span> Chancellor, in an interview with the American journalist,
+    <span class="sc">Karl von Wiegand</span>, accuses England of militarism, and alleges that we
+    pursued towards Germany a policy of envelopment (<i>Einkreisungspolitik</i>).]
+</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   They mocked us for a peaceful folk, </p>
+<p class="i4">     A land that flowed with beer and chops; </p>
+<p class="i2">   <span class="sc">Napoleon</span> (ere we had him broke) </p>
+<p class="i4">     Remarked our taste for keeping shops; </p>
+<p class="i2">   And <span class="sc">William</span>, in his humorous way, </p>
+<p class="i4">     Thought that we must have all gone barmy </p>
+<p class="i2">   Because we joined so large a fray </p>
+<p class="i4">     With so absurdly small an army. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   Opinions alter. Now it seems, </p>
+<p class="i4">     Under our outer rind, or peel, </p>
+<p class="i2">   Deep at the core of England's schemes </p>
+<p class="i4">     There lurked a lust for blood and steel; </p>
+<p class="i2">   Herr <span class="sc">Bethmann-Hollweg</span> he proclaims </p>
+<p class="i4">     The War was due to our intrigue and </p>
+<p class="i2">   Expounds our militaristic aims </p>
+<p class="i4">     Into the ear of Herr <span class="sc">von Wiegand</span>. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   We are a dragon belching fire, </p>
+<p class="i4">     One of those horrors, spawned in hell, </p>
+<p class="i2">   Who come from wallowing in the mire </p>
+<p class="i4">     To crunch the innocent damosel; </p>
+<p class="i2">   And when we've nosed about and found </p>
+<p class="i4">     What looks to be a toothsome jawful </p>
+<p class="i2">   We call our mates and ring her round </p>
+<p class="i4">     With other dragons just as awful. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   Prussia was ever such a maid; </p>
+<p class="i4">     Pink-toed and fair and free from guile </p>
+<p class="i2">   She frolicked in the flowery glade, </p>
+<p class="i4">     Pursuing Culture all the while; </p>
+<p class="i2">   Then, coached by <span class="sc">Grey</span>, the monsters came, </p>
+<p class="i4">     And their behaviour (something horrid) </p>
+<p class="i2">   <span class="sc">Bethmann</span> condemns, and brands the blame </p>
+<p class="i4">     Upon the premier dragon's forehead. </p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="right">
+                 O.S.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0004" id="h2H_4_0004"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+</h2>
+<h3>
+    No. XL.
+</h3>
+<p class="center">
+    (<i>From a German.</i>)
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Yes, and for the very reason that I am a German I am speaking to you,
+so that you may know what one German at least thinks of you and your
+deeds. For I know that even where you sit walled about by your flatterers,
+ramparted against the intrusion of any fresh breath of criticism, and
+protected by entanglements of barbed wire against any hint of doubt as to
+your god-like attributes&mdash;even there I know that my voice shall in time
+reach you, and you shall become aware that there is a German who dares
+to say of you what millions of Germans think and soon will dare to say.
+</p>
+<p>
+You are the man, Sir, who by a word spoken in a seasonable moment might
+have forbidden the War, and this word you refused to speak because,
+knowing your own preparations for war and those of the nations whom
+you forced to be your enemies, you anticipated an easy and a swift
+triumph. You believed that, after spending a few thousands of men and a
+few millions of marks, victory would be yours, and you would be able,
+as an unquestioned conqueror, to dictate peace to those who had dared
+to oppose you. And thus in a few months at the most you would return
+to Berlin and prance along the flower-strewn streets at the head of
+your victorious and but little-injured regiments. It is told of you
+that lately, when you visited a great hospital crowded with maimed and
+shattered men, your vain and shallow mind was for a moment startled by
+the terrible sight, and you murmured, "It was not I who willed this."
+In part you were right. You did not consciously will to bring upon
+your country the suffering and the misery you have caused, because you
+were willing to take the gambler's chance; but in the sight of God,
+to whom you often appeal, you will not escape the responsibility for
+having steadily thrust peace and conciliation aside when, as I say,
+by one word you might have avoided war.
+</p>
+<p>
+Germany, you will say, is a great nation and cannot brook being insulted
+and defied. Great Heaven, Sir, who denied that Germany was great? Who
+wished to insult or defy her? Not France, whose one desire was to
+live in peace; not Russia, still bleeding from wounds suffered at the
+hands of Japan; not England, still, as of old, intent on her commercial
+development, though anxious, naturally enough, for her Fleet; not Italy,
+bound to you by a treaty designed to guard against aggression. It is
+true that all nations were becoming weary of a violent and hectoring
+diplomacy, of a restless and jealous punctilio seeking out occasions
+for misunderstandings and quarrels, and rushing wildly from one crisis
+to another; but under your direction this intolerable system had been
+patented and put in operation by Germany and by no other nation. It was
+as though a <i>parvenu</i>, uncertain of his manners and doubtful as to his
+reception, should burst violently into a <i>salon</i> filled with quiet people
+and, having upset the furniture and thrown the china ornaments about,
+should accuse all the rest of treading on his toes and insulting him. So
+did Germany act, and for such actions you, who had autocratic power&mdash;you,
+at whose nod Chancellors trembled&mdash;you loved their tremors&mdash;and Generals
+quaked with fear&mdash;must be held responsible. What low strain of vulgarity
+was it, what coarse desire to bluster and rant yourself into fame and
+honour, rather than to deserve them by a magnanimous patience and a
+gentleness beyond reproach, that drove you on your perilous way? It was
+your pettiness that at the last plunged you into the War.
+</p>
+<p>
+And now that you have been in it for little short of two years, how
+stands the Fatherland, and where are the visions of easy and all but
+immediate victory? Germany is bleeding at every pore. Her soldiers are
+brave; but to confirm you on your throne you force them day by day to
+a slaughter in which millions have already been laid low. That other
+nations are suffering too is for me no consolation. My thoughts are
+centred on Germany, once so nobly great, and now forced by a restless
+and jealous lunatic into a war to which there seems no end.
+</p>
+<p>
+I sign myself in deep sorrow,
+</p>
+<p class="right">
+                                                              <span class="sc">A German.</span>
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>
+    "The Mahogany Tree."
+</h3>
+<p class="quote">
+    A correspondent writes to Mr. Punch: "In this season's <i>Printer's
+    Pie</i> your old friend and mine, Sir <span class="sc">Henry Lucy</span>, speaks of '"the old
+    mahogany tree" in Bouverie Street, under which <span class="sc">Thackeray</span> for a while
+    sat.' This tantalising sidelight makes many of us pine for fuller
+    information. Did the incident occur on some particular occasion,
+    or did the great novelist make a practice of this engaging form
+    of self-effacement?"
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="quote">
+    "At a camp in Essex New Zealand troops joined with the local
+    school children in the celebrations. The men paraded and the New
+    Zealand flag was saluted. Afterwards there was a march past; the
+    National Anthem, Kipling's 'Recessional,' and 'Lest we Forget'
+    were sung."&mdash;<i>The Times.</i>
+</p>
+<p>
+Mr. <span class="sc">Kipling</span> seems to have got an encore.
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page355" name="page355"></a>[355]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0002"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/390.png"><img src="images/390.png" width="100%"
+title="Held!"
+alt="HELD!" /></a>
+<br />
+<big>HELD!</big>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page356" name="page356"></a>[356]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0005" id="h2H_4_0005"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    A REGRETTABLE INCIDENT.
+</h2>
+
+<p>
+Anne was standing in the hall looking like nothing on earth. One of the
+reasons why I gave in to Anne and married her was because of her repose.
+She can look more tragic than <span class="sc">Bernhardt</span>, but she never makes a noise. In
+moments of domestic stress, as when the six hens we had purchased
+contributed one egg and that in the next garden (date of birth unknown),
+Anne assumes a plaintive smile that leaves the English language at the
+post. When the cook, who wears a frayed ulster ornamented with regimental
+badges ranging from the Royal Scots to the Brixton Cyclists, looked
+on the wine and went further, Anne did not blurt out crudities. Having
+shut the kitchen-door behind her, she simply entered the hall and walked
+smoothly to the plate where any persons who call may leave cards. Already
+she had soothed the house; and in that splendid silence, that pursuit
+of the commonplace, she had not merely calmed my dread of the scene
+that accompanies a cab and a constable, but had carolled, as it were,
+to Ethel the nursery-maid tilted over the second floor banisters that
+all was well, or nearly so.
+</p>
+<p>
+Having stared gravely at a dusty card, which we all knew by heart, Anne
+turned her face and, raising her eyebrows about an eighth of an inch,
+shrugged her shoulders very slightly and passed on.
+</p>
+<p>
+But on the present occasion there was, so far as I was aware, no domestic
+friction&mdash;we had boiled the hens&mdash;and I was, I admit, at a loss.
+</p>
+<p>
+"Come, Herbert," said Anne gently. Then I knew that we were bankrupt&mdash;I
+mean, of course, more bankrupt. I knew that the Government, having
+crouched in leash, had sprung with a snarl upon the married man of
+forty-five.
+</p>
+<p>
+We seated ourselves in Anne's room just as persons do upon the stage,
+Anne, leaning against the shutter, stared dreamily out of the window.
+</p>
+<p>
+"Tell me," I said.
+</p>
+<p>
+Anne is a great artist. She dabbed at her cheeks&mdash;but lightly, as though
+scorned a tear&mdash;smiled bravely at me with moist eyes, and, walking to
+the mantelpiece, adjusted a Dresden shepherdess.
+</p>
+<p>
+"You have heard me speak of the Ruritanian Relief Fund," she said in a
+splendid off-hand tone.
+</p>
+<p>
+"Frequently," I responded, but not impatiently.
+</p>
+<p>
+"It was, you remember, the only possible fund when dear Lady Rogerson
+heard about the War. All the other allied countries had been snapped
+up&mdash;there seemed for a while no chance, no hope. Lady Rogerson was
+so brave. She said to me at the time, 'My dear we will not give in&mdash;we
+have as much right as anyone else to hold meetings and ask for money.'"
+</p>
+<p>
+"And so you did, dear&mdash;surely you have been in the thick of it. Constantly
+have I seen appeals for Ruritania in the Press."
+</p>
+<p>
+Anne permitted herself a faint gesture.
+</p>
+<p>
+"Everything was going so well," she continued, dusting the shepherdess
+abstractedly. "We had a splendid committee, and Lady Rogerson was
+leaving for Ruritania with our Ladies' Coffee Unit this morning. They
+were going to provide hot refreshment for the gallant mountaineers as
+they marched through their beautiful mountain passes&mdash;they have them,
+haven't they, Herbert?"
+</p>
+<p>
+"They must have," I said hotly. It was a nice state of affairs if they
+were going to back out of the coffee on that preposterous ground.
+</p>
+<p>
+"At the last moment," she sobbed, and, dropping the shepherdess, was
+quite overcome. I was seriously concerned for poor Anne, whose affection
+for the Ruritanians was only rivalled by her ignorance of where the
+blessed country is.
+</p>
+<p>
+"At the station," she said suddenly in a low voice, "news came that
+Ruritania was not even at war."
+</p>
+<p>
+"Monstrous," I cried. "Most monstrous."
+</p>
+<p>
+"So we all came back, and Lady Rogerson was so splendid and looked so
+brave in her sombrero and brass buttons. She explained how it was all
+her own fault&mdash;that old Colonel Smith had muddled the names of the
+Allies, and that we must be patient because who knew what might or
+might not happen in the future? But would you believe it, several of
+the Committee said the most awful things about Ruritania and poor Lady
+Rogerson, and in the middle of it all the telephone bell rang."
+</p>
+<p>
+"Ah," I said, with a knowing look.
+</p>
+<p>
+"And Lady Rogerson, after a moment, laid down the receiver, turned
+like <span class="sc">Boadicea</span>, and said in a voice I shall never forget, 'Ladies and
+gentlemen, Ruritania declared war this afternoon. If the Coffee Unit
+starts immediately they can catch the night train.'"
+</p>
+<p>
+Anne paused and made a little cairn of broken china on the mantelpiece.
+</p>
+<p>
+"I'm so glad," I said, stroking her hand&mdash;"so glad. Lady Rogerson
+deserved her triumph."
+</p>
+<p>
+Anne made no comment for a moment. When she spoke her voice was poignant.
+</p>
+<p>
+"The Committee sang the National Anthem," she resumed miserably, "and
+we all put on our Ruritanian flags. A vote of confidence in dear Lady
+Rogerson was passed amidst tremendous enthusiasm, and the Coffee Unit
+set off for the station."
+</p>
+<p>
+"It must now be on its way," I remarked briskly.
+</p>
+<p>
+"No," said Anne, "never."
+</p>
+<p>
+"But Ruritania?"
+</p>
+<p>
+Anne trailed to the door. She was a wonderful artist in effects.
+</p>
+<p>
+"Ruritania declared war"&mdash;
+</p>
+<p>
+"I know, my dear&mdash;you said so"&mdash;
+</p>
+<p>
+"Upon the Allies," added Anne, and left the room.
+</p>
+<p>
+It was, considering everything, a rotten thing for Ruritania to do.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0003"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/391.png"><img src="images/391.png" width="50%"
+title="Boots (in Irish hotel)..."
+alt="Boots (in Irish hotel)..." /></a>
+<br />
+<p>
+<i>Boots (in Irish hotel).</i> '<span class="sc">I've forgotten, Captain,
+ whether you wanted to be called at six or seven.</span>'
+</p>
+<p>
+<i>Voice from within.</i> "<span class="sc">What time is it now?</span>"
+</p>
+<p>
+<i>Boots.</i> "<span class="sc">Eight, yer honour.</span>"
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>
+Our Helpful Critics.
+</h3>
+<p class="quote">
+    "Browning's <i>Sordello</i> was literature&mdash;but not actable
+    drama."&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle.</i>
+</p>
+<p>
+The same remark applies to <i>Paradise Lost</i>.
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page357" name="page357"></a>[357]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0004"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/392.png"><img src="images/392.png" width="50%"
+title="Charwoman. 'Please, Mum...'"
+alt="Charwoman. 'Please, Mum...'" /></a>
+<br />
+<p>
+<i>Charwoman.</i> '<span class="sc">Please, Mum, I ain't coming to work here no more.</span>'
+</p>
+<p>
+<i>Mistress.</i> "<span class="sc">Indeed. How is that?</span>"
+</p>
+<p>
+<i>Charwoman.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, my man's earning so much now that there's plenty
+coming in. Last week we was obliged to put some in the savings-bank, and
+I'm afraid we shall have to again <i>this</i>.</span>"
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0006" id="h2H_4_0006"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    THOUGHTS ON NEWSPAPERS.
+</h2>
+
+<p>
+I swear that this article is not written in the interests of the
+newspaper trade.
+</p>
+<p>
+If it bears fruit the newspaper trade will score, but that I cannot help.
+It is written in the larger interests of humanity and the sweeter life.
+</p>
+<p>
+The situation briefly is this. One paper is not enough for any house,
+and some houses or families require many. In the house in which I write,
+situate in a foreign country, there are many exiles from England and
+only one paper, which arrives on the fourth day after publication (thus
+making Wednesday a terrible blank), and sometimes does not complete
+the round of readers until to-morrow. The result is that a bad spirit
+prevails. Normally open and candid persons are found concealing the
+paper against a later and freer hour; terminological inexactitude is
+even resorted to in order to cover such jackdaw-hoardings; glances become
+covetous and suspicious.
+</p>
+<p>
+All this could be obviated.
+</p>
+<p>
+I remember hearing of a distinguished and original and masterful lady
+(<span class="sc">Sargent</span> has painted her) in the great days, or rather the
+high-spirited days, of <i>The Pall Mall Gazette</i>&mdash;when verse was called
+Occ, and it was more important that a leading article should have a comic
+caption than internal sagacity, and six different Autolyci vended their
+wares every week&mdash;who had fifteen copies of the paper delivered at her
+house every afternoon, and fifteen copies of <i>The Times</i> every morning,
+so that each one of her family or guests might have a private reading;
+and she was right.
+</p>
+<p>
+A newspaper should be as personal as a toothbrush or a pipe, otherwise
+how can we tear a paragraph out of it if we want to?&mdash;as my friend, Mr.
+Blank, the historian, always does, for that great sociological essay on
+which he is engaged, entitled <i>The Limit</i>.
+</p>
+<p>
+But the idea of having enough papers for all has gained no ground. Even
+clubs don't have enough. And as for dentists&mdash;&mdash;!
+</p>
+<p>
+Givers of theatre parties have been divided into those who buy a
+programme for each guest and those who buy one programme for all; and
+programmes, for some occult reason which seems to satisfy the British
+ass, cost sixpence each. Yet the enlightened hosts of the first group
+will cheerfully pack their houses with week-enders and supply but one
+<i>Observer</i> for the lot. Why?
+</p>
+<p>
+The suggestion, even with war-time economy as an ideal before us, is
+not so mad as it sounds. Most of us smoke more cigarettes than we need,
+to an amount far exceeding the cost of six extra morning papers.
+</p>
+<p>
+The worst of it is that other people can never read a paper for us. Most
+people don't try; they put us off.
+</p>
+<p>
+If ever a La Rochefoucauld compiles the <i>sententiæ</i> of the breakfast-room
+he must include such apophthegms as these:&mdash;
+</p>
+<p>
+Even the most determined opponent of journalism becomes alert and
+prehensile on the arrival of the paper.
+</p>
+<p>
+He is a poor master of a house who does not insist upon the first sight
+of the paper.
+</p>
+<p>
+He is a poor master of a house who, on being asked if there is any news
+of-day, replies in the affirmative.
+</p>
+<p>
+No papers require so much reading as those with "nothing in them."
+</p>
+<p>
+He is a poor citizen who could not edit a paper better than its editor.
+</p>
+<p>
+Into what La Rochefoucauld would say when he came to deal not with the
+readers of papers but with papers themselves, I cannot enter. That is
+a different and a vaster matter. But certainly he should include this
+<i>pensée</i>:&mdash;
+</p>
+<p>
+He is a poor editor who does not know more than the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>.
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page358" name="page358"></a>[358]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0007" id="h2H_4_0007"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    ABDUL: AN APPRECIATION.
+</h2>
+
+<p>
+I heard the shriek of an approaching shell, something hit the ground
+beneath my feet, and I went sailing through the ether, to land softly on
+an iron hospital cot in a small white-walled room. There was no doubt
+that it was a most extraordinary happening. On the wall beside me was
+a temperature chart, on a table by my bed was a goolah of water, and
+in the air was that subtle Cairene smell. Yes, I was undoubtedly back
+in Cairo. Obviously I must have arrived by that shell.
+</p>
+<p>
+Then, as I was thinking it all out, appeared to me a vision in a long
+white galabieh. It smiled, or rather its mouth opened, and disclosed
+a row of teeth like hailstones on black garden mould.
+</p>
+<p>
+"Me Abdul," it said coyly; "gotter givit you one wash."
+</p>
+<p>
+I was washed in sections, and Abdul did it thoroughly. There came a halt
+after some more than usually strenuous scrubbing at my knees. Mutterings
+of "mushquais" (no good) and a wrinkled brow showed me that Abdul
+was puzzled. Then it dawned on me. I had been wearing shorts at Anzac,
+and Abdul was trying to wash the sunburn off my knees! By dint of bad
+French, worse Arabic, and much sign language I explained. Abdul went
+to the door and jodelled down the corridor, "Mo-haaaaamed, Achmed." Two
+other slaves of the wash-bowl appeared, and to them Abdul disclosed my
+mahogany knees with much the same air as the gentleman who tells one
+the fine points of the living skeleton on Hampstead Heath. They gazed in
+wonder. At last Achmed put his hand on my knee. "This called?" he asked.
+"Knee," I told him.
+</p>
+<p>
+"Yes," he said thoughtfully, "this neece&mdash;Arabic; this" (pointing to an
+unsunburnt part of my leg)&mdash;"Eengleesh."
+</p>
+<p>
+Then the washing proceeded uninterruptedly. "You feelin' very quais
+(good)?" Abdul asked. I told him I was pretty quais, but that I had been
+quaiser. "Ginral comin' safternoon and Missus," he informed me, and I
+gathered that no less a person than the Commander-in-Chief (one of them)
+was to visit the hospital. And so it happened, for about five o'clock
+there was a clinking of spurs in the passage, and the matron ushered
+in an affable brass hat and a very charming lady. In the background
+hovered several staff officers. Suddenly their ranks were burst asunder
+and Abdul appeared breathless.
+</p>
+<p>
+He had nearly missed the show. He stood over me with an air of ownership
+and suddenly whipped off my bed clothes, displaying my nether limbs. He
+saw he had made an impression. "Neece is Arabic," he said proudly. It was
+Abdul's best turn, and he brought the house down. The visitors departed,
+but for ten minutes I heard loud laughter from down the corridor. Abdul
+had departed in their wake, doubtless to tell Achmed and Mohammed of
+the success of his coup.
+</p>
+<p>
+I had been smoking cigarettes, but found the habit extravagant, as Abdul
+appreciated them even more than I did. One morning I woke up to see
+him making a cache in his round cotton cap. I kept quiet until he came
+nearer, and then I grabbed his hat. It was as I thought, and about ten
+cigarettes rolled on the floor. I looked sternly at Abdul. He was due to
+wither up and confess. Instead he broke first into a seraphic grin and
+then roared with laughter. "Oh, very funny, very, very funny," he said
+between his paroxysms. Now what could I say after that? I was beaten and
+I had to admit it, but I decided that I would smoke a pipe. To this end
+I gave Abdul ten piastres and sent him out to buy me some tobacco. He
+arrived back in about an hour with two tins worth each eight piastres.
+"Me quais?" he asked expectantly. "Well, you are pretty hot stuff,"
+I admitted, "but how did you do it?"
+</p>
+<p>
+Abdul held up one tin.
+</p>
+<p>
+"Me buy this one," he said solemnly; "this one" (holding up the other one)
+"got it!"
+</p>
+<p>
+"What do you mean, 'got it'?"
+</p>
+<p>
+"Jus' got it," was all the answer I could get. Then to crown the
+performance he produced two piastres change. Could the genii of the
+<i>Arabian Nights</i> have done better?
+</p>
+<p>
+I was in that hospital for three months, and I verily believe that if it
+had not been for Abdul I should have been in three months more. He had his
+own way of doing things and people, but he modelled himself unconsciously
+on some personality half-way between <span class="sc">Florence Nightingale</span> and <i>Fagin's</i>
+most promising pupil. The day I was to go he cleaned my tunic buttons and
+helmet badge with my tooth-brush and paste and brought them proudly to
+me for thanks. And I thanked him.
+</p>
+<p>
+The last I saw of Abdul was as I drove away in the ambulance. A pathetic
+figure in a white robe stood out on the balcony and mopped his eyes
+with his cotton cap, and as he took it off his head there fell to the
+ground half-a-dozen crushed cigarettes. It was a typical finale.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0008" id="h2H_4_0008"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    THE DYSPEPTIC'S DILEMMA.
+</h2>
+
+<p class="quote">
+    [<i>Maté</i>, an infusion of the prepared leaves of the <i>Ilex
+    paraguayensis</i>, or Brazilian holly, long familiar in South
+    America, is coming into fashion in London.]
+</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   In happy ante-bellum days, </p>
+<p class="i2">   To quote a memorable phrase, </p>
+<p class="i2">   "Whisky and beer, or even wine, </p>
+<p class="i2">   Were good enough for me"&mdash;and mine. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   But now, in view of heightened taxes </p>
+<p class="i2">   And all that grim <span class="sc">McKenna</span> axes, </p>
+<p class="i2">   I have religiously tabooed </p>
+<p class="i2">   All alcohol&mdash;distilled or brewed. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   But "minerals" are now expensive, </p>
+<p class="i2">   And, though the choice may be extensive, </p>
+<p class="i2">   I find them, as my strength is waning, </p>
+<p class="i2">   More effervescent than sustaining. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   At cocoa's bland nutritious nibs </p>
+<p class="i2">   My palate obstinately jibs; </p>
+<p class="i2">   And coffee, when I like it best, </p>
+<p class="i2">   Plays utter havoc with my rest. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   Tea is a tipple that I love </p>
+<p class="i2">   All non-intoxicants above; </p>
+<p class="i2">   But on its road to lip from cup </p>
+<p class="i2">   All sorts of obstacles crop up. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   On patriotic grounds I curb </p>
+<p class="i2">   My preference for the Chinese herb, </p>
+<p class="i2">   But for eupeptic reasons think </p>
+<p class="i2">   The Indian leaf unsafe to drink. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   Hence am I driven to essay </p>
+<p class="i2">   <i>Maté</i>, the "tea of Paraguay," </p>
+<p class="i2">   As quaffed by the remote Brazilians, </p>
+<p class="i2">   Peruvians, Argentinians, Chilians. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   My doctor, Parry Gorwick, who </p>
+<p class="i2">   Believes in this salubrious brew, </p>
+<p class="i2">   Has promised from its use renewal </p>
+<p class="i2">   Of my depleted vital fuel. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   And so I'm bound to try it&mdash;still </p>
+<p class="i2">   I wasn't born in far Brazil, </p>
+<p class="i2">   And find it hard on leaves of holly </p>
+<p class="i2">   To grow exuberantly jolly. </p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>
+A New Reading.
+</h3>
+<p class="quote">
+    "Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree, after first posing for screen purposes
+    in California, promises to produce his <i>Henry VIII.</i> in New York,
+    with himself as <i>Cardinal Richelieu</i>."
+</p>
+<p class="quote" style="text-align: right;">
+                 <i>Munsey's Magazine.</i>
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="center">
+    "<span class="sc">Mr. Birrell in the Dock.</span>"
+</p>
+<p class="quote" style="text-align: right;">
+                 <i>Dublin Evening Mail.</i>
+</p>
+<p>
+This is quite a mistake. He has only been in the nettles.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="quote">
+    "The excitement in the Lobby yesterday was reminiscent of the
+    Irish crisis, Members remaining to discuss numberless humours
+    long after they had risen."
+</p>
+<p class="quote" style="text-align: right;">
+                 <i>Civil and Military Gazette.</i>
+</p>
+<p>
+The correspondent who sends us the above extract suggests that the
+Members in question must have been Scotsmen.
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page359" name="page359"></a>[359]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figure">
+<big>
+GETTING THE MASCOT ON PARADE.
+</big>
+<br />
+<a name="image-0005a"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/394-1.png"><img src="images/394-1.png" width="100%"
+title="Getting the Mascot on Parade. (1)"
+alt="GETTING THE MASCOT ON PARADE." /></a>
+<br />
+"<span class="sc">Come on!</span>"
+<br />
+"<span class="sc">Gee up!</span>"
+</div>
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0005b"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/394-2.png"><img src="images/394-2.png" width="100%"
+title="Getting the Mascot on Parade. (2)"
+alt="GETTING THE MASCOT ON PARADE." /></a>
+<br />
+"<span class="sc">Now, then&mdash;</span>"
+<br />
+"<span class="sc">We'll be late&mdash;</span>"
+<br />
+<span class="sc">Enter the Decoy.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0005c"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/394-3.png"><img src="images/394-3.png" width="100%"
+title="Getting the Mascot on Parade. (3)"
+alt="GETTING THE MASCOT ON PARADE." /></a>
+<br />
+<span class="sc">Well away.</span><br />
+(<i>Never could stand that dog.</i>)
+</div>
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0005d"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/394-4.png"><img src="images/394-4.png" width="100%"
+title="Getting the Mascot on Parade. (4)"
+alt="GETTING THE MASCOT ON PARADE." /></a>
+<br />
+<span class="sc">On parade at last&mdash;just in time.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page360" name="page360"></a>[360]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0006"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/395.png"><img src="images/395.png" width="100%"
+title="Kindly old Gentleman (distributing cigarettes to soldiers returning home on leave)..."
+alt="Kindly old Gentleman (distributing cigarettes to soldiers returning home on leave)..." /></a>
+<br />
+<p>
+<i>Kindly old Gentleman (distributing cigarettes to soldiers
+ returning home on leave).</i> '<span class="sc">And where's your home, my man?</span>'
+</p>
+<p>
+<i>Scotsman.</i> "<span class="sc">I come fra Paisley&mdash;but I canna help that.</span>"
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0009" id="h2H_4_0009"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    BALLADE OF BOOKS FOR THE WOUNDED.
+</h2>
+
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   'Midst of the world and the world's despair, </p>
+<p class="i4">     A fair land lieth in all men's sight; </p>
+<p class="i2">   Ye that have breathed its witching air, </p>
+<p class="i4">     Remember the men who went to fight, </p>
+<p class="i4">     That have much need in their piteous plight </p>
+<p class="i6">       Its gates to gain and its ease to win. </p>
+<p class="i4">     The need is bitter, the gift is light; </p>
+<p class="i6">       Give them the key to enter in. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   If ever ye crept bowed down with care </p>
+<p class="i4">     Thither, and lo! your fears took flight, </p>
+<p class="i2">   And the burden of life grew little to bear, </p>
+<p class="i4">     And hurts were healed and the way lay bright; </p>
+<p class="i4">     If ever ye watched through a wakeful night </p>
+<p class="i6">       Till the dawn should break and the dusk grow thin, </p>
+<p class="i4">     And a tale brought solace in pain's despite, </p>
+<p class="i6">       Give them the key to enter in. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   Once they were stalwart, swift to dare; </p>
+<p class="i4">     Little could baulk them, naught affright; </p>
+<p class="i2">   Still are they staunch as then they were, </p>
+<p class="i4">     Strong to endure as once to smite. </p>
+<p class="i4">     Yet for awhile if so they might </p>
+<p class="i6">       They would forget the strife and din; </p>
+<p class="i4">     Shall they wait at a door shut tight? </p>
+<p class="i6">       Give them the key to enter in. </p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="center">
+<span class="sc">Envoi.</span>
+</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   Friends, this haven is theirs by right; </p>
+<p class="i4">     They held it safe for you and your kin: </p>
+<p class="i2">   Hereby a little may ye requite&mdash; </p>
+<p class="i4">     Give them the key to enter in! </p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>
+A Test of Valour.
+</h3>
+<p class="quote">
+    "Mr. Mellish, a regular reader of the <i>Daily Mail</i> for years, was
+    awarded the V.C. last month for conspicuous bravery."&mdash;<i>Daily
+    Mail.</i>
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="quote">
+    "The lack of food is especially irritating to the people, because
+    Bulgaria is a great fool producing country."&mdash;<i>Daily Dispatch.</i>
+</p>
+<p>
+Yet their irritation seems quite intelligent and sane.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>
+How History is Written.
+</h3>
+<p class="quote">
+    "The Prime Minister passed through Cardiff in a special train
+    this morning on his return from Ireland. The train stopped at the
+    station to change engines, but the right hon. gentleman was only
+    recognised by a few of those on the station."&mdash;<i>South Wales Echo.</i>
+</p>
+<p class="quote">
+    "Mr. Asquith travelled <i>viá</i> Rosslare and Fishguard. It was
+    eight a.m. when he left the Pembrokeshire port and 10.25 when
+    the special train pulled up for a few moments at Cardiff. The
+    Prime Minister was then soundly asleep in a sleeping car."
+</p>
+<p class="quote" style="text-align: right;">
+                 <i>Evening Express (Cardiff).</i>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page361" name="page361"></a>[361]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0007"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/396.png"><img src="images/396.png" width="100%"
+title="Injured Innocence."
+alt="INJURED INNOCENCE." /></a>
+<br />
+<big>INJURED INNOCENCE.</big>
+<p>
+<span class="sc">The German Ogre.</span> "HEAVEN KNOWS THAT I HAD TO DO THIS IN SELF-DEFENCE; IT
+WAS FORCED UPON ME." (<i>Aside</i>) "FEE, FI, FO, FUM!"
+</p>
+<p><small>
+[According to the Imperial Chancellor's latest utterance Germany is the
+deeply-wronged victim of British militarism.]</small>
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page362" name="page362"></a>[362]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0010" id="h2H_4_0010"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+</h2>
+
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0008"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/397.png"><img src="images/397.png" width="100%"
+title="Press the button, and up comes the genie."
+alt="Press the button, and up comes the genie." /></a>
+<br />
+<span class="sc">Press the button, and up comes the genie.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>
+<i>Monday, May 22nd.</i>&mdash;Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> returned to his place to-day, looking
+all the better for his trip to Ireland. No one was more pleased to see
+him than Mr. <span class="sc">Tennant</span>, who had been subjected all last week to a galling
+fire from the Nationalist snipers. Mr. <span class="sc">Timothy Healy</span> had been especially
+active, employing for the purpose a weapon of unique construction.
+Although discharged at the Treasury Bench, its most destructive effect
+is often produced on the Members who sit just behind him. Mr. <span class="sc">Dillon</span> is
+particularly uneasy when Mr. <span class="sc">Healy</span> gets his gun out.
+</p>
+<p>
+When Mr. <span class="sc">Acland</span> moved the Vote for the Board of Agriculture there were
+barely two-score of Members present. He made a capital speech, full of
+attractive detail and delivered with unbucolic gusto, but did not succeed
+in greatly increasing the number of his audience.
+</p>
+<p>
+There was some excuse perhaps for the non-attendance of the Irish Members.
+They have an Agricultural Department of their own, presided over by an
+eminent temperance lecturer who teaches Irish farmers how to grow barley
+for the national beverage. But it might have been supposed that more
+Englishmen and Scotsmen would have torn themselves away from their other
+duties in the smoking-room or elsewhere to hear what the Government had
+to say about the shortage of labour in the fields.
+</p>
+<p>
+Mr. <span class="sc">Acland</span> puts his faith in women. If the farmers would only meet them
+half-way the situation would be saved. Mr. <span class="sc">Prothero</span> thought the farmers'
+wives would have something to say about that. They did not like "London
+minxes trapesing about our farmyard." From their point of view
+conscientious objectors would be a safer substitute.
+</p>
+<p>
+<i>Tuesday, May 23rd.</i>&mdash;Over ten years have passed since Sir <span class="sc">Alfred Harmsworth</span>
+became Baron <span class="sc">Northcliffe</span>, yet never until to-day, I believe, has he
+directly addressed his fellow-Peers, though it is understood that through
+other channels he has occasionally given them the benefit of his counsel.
+</p>
+<p>
+His speech was a sad disappointment to those trade-rivals who have not
+scrupled to attribute his silence to cowardice or incompetence. No
+justification for such insinuations was to be found in his speech
+to-day. He had something practical to say&mdash;on Lord <span class="sc">Montagu's</span> motion
+regarding the Air-Service&mdash;and said it so briefly and modestly as to
+throw doubt upon the theory that he personally dictates all those leaders
+in <i>The Times</i> and <i>The Daily Mail</i>.
+</p>
+<p>
+Colonel <span class="sc">Hall-Walker</span> took his seat to-day after a re-election necessitated
+by the transfer of his racing stud to the Government. Up to the present
+Ministers have found it a Greek gift. To-day they had to withstand a
+further attack upon their horse-racing proclivities by Lord <span class="sc">Claud Hamilton</span>,
+who, notwithstanding that he is chairman of the railway that serves
+Newmarket, denounced with great fervour the continuance during the War of
+this "most extravagant, alluring and expensive form of public amusement."
+</p>
+<p>
+In introducing a Vote of Credit for 300 millions, making a total of
+£2,382,000,000 since August, 1914, the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> said very little
+about the War, except that we were still confident in its triumphant
+issue. Any omission on his part was more than made good by Colonel <span class="sc">Churchill</span>,
+who for an hour or more kept the House interested with his views on the
+proper employment of our Armies. Whenever he speaks at Westminster one
+is inclined to remark, "What a strategist!" whereas it is rumoured that
+his admiring comrades in the trenches used to murmur, "What a statesman!"
+One of his best points was that the War Office should use their men, not
+like a heap of shingle, but like pieces of mosaic, each in his right
+place.
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page363" name="page363"></a>[363]</span>
+
+       Colonel <span class="sc">Churchill's</span> supporters are still not quite sure whether
+he has yet found his own exact place in the national jigsaw.
+</p>
+<p>
+<i>Wednesday, May 24th.</i>&mdash;The House of Lords was well attended this
+afternoon, in the expectation of hearing Lord <span class="sc">Curzon</span> unfold the programme
+of the new Air Board. But it had to exercise a noble patience. Lord
+<span class="sc">Galway</span> gave an account of a trip in a Zeppelin; Lord <span class="sc">Beresford</span> (who,
+strange to say, is much better heard in the Lords than he was in the
+Commons) told how the Government were still awaiting from America a large
+consignment of aeroplanes which as soon as they were delivered would be
+"obsolete six months ago"; and Lord <span class="sc">Haldane</span> (less impressive in mufti
+than when he wore the Lord Chancellor's wig) delivered once again his
+celebrated discourse on the importance of "thinking clearly."
+</p>
+<p>
+Lord <span class="sc">Curzon</span> at least did not seem to require the admonition, for his speech
+indicated that he had carefully considered the possibilities of the Air
+Board. He did not agree with Colonel <span class="sc">Churchill</span> that its future would be
+one of harmless impotence or of first-class rows. At any rate the second
+alternative had been rendered less probable by the disappearance from the
+Government of his critic's own "vivid personality."
+</p>
+<p>
+Mr. <span class="sc">Arthur Ponsonby</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Ramsay MacDonald</span> have inadvertently done signal
+service to their country's cause. By raising&mdash;on Empire Day, too!&mdash;the
+question of peace, and urging the Government to initiate negotiations
+with Germany, they furnished Sir <span class="sc">Edward Grey</span> with an opportunity of dealing
+faithfully with the recent insidious man[oe]uvres of Herr <span class="sc">von Bethmann-Hollweg</span>.
+The only terms of peace that the German Government had ever put forward
+were terms of victory for Germany, and we could not reason with the German
+people so long as they were fed with lies. The <span class="sc">Foreign Secretary</span> spoke
+without a note, and carried away the House by his spontaneous indignation.
+The House had previously passed the Lords' amendments, strengthening the
+Military Service Bill. Altogether it was a bad day for the pro-Bosches.
+</p>
+<p>
+<i>Thursday, May 25th.</i>&mdash;There was a big attendance in the House of Commons
+to hear Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> unfold his new plan for the regeneration of Ireland.
+In the Peers' Gallery were Lord <span class="sc">Wimborne</span>, still in a state of suspended
+animation; Lord <span class="sc">MacDonnell</span>, wondering whether Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> would
+succeed where he and Mr. <span class="sc">Wyndham</span> failed; and Lord <span class="sc">Bryce</span>, ex-Chief
+Secretary, to whom the Sinn Feiners are indebted for the repeal of the
+Arms Act. On the benches below were the leaders of all the Irish groups,
+including Mr. <span class="sc">Ginnell</span>. Even Mr. <span class="sc">Birrell</span> crept in unobtrusively to learn
+how his chief had solved in nine days the problem that had baffled him
+for as many years. An Irish debate on the old heroic scale was looked upon
+as a certainty.
+</p>
+<p>
+In half-an-hour all was over. The <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> had no panacea of his
+own to prescribe. All he could say was that Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> had been
+deputed by the Cabinet to confer with the various Irish leaders, and that
+he hoped the House would assist the negotiations by deferring debate on
+the Irish situation.
+</p>
+<p>
+His selection of a peacemaker is generally approved. If anyone knows
+how to handle high explosives without causing a premature concussion, or
+to unite heterogeneous materials by electrical welding, or to utilise
+a high temperature in dealing with refractory ores it should be the
+<span class="sc">Minister of Munitions</span>. Everybody wishes him success in his new <i>rôle</i> of
+Harmonious Blacksmith.
+</p>
+<p>
+Nevertheless some little disappointment was felt by those who had hoped
+for a prompter solution. As an Irish Member expressed it, "This has been
+the dickens of a day. We began with 'Great Expectations' and ended with
+'Our Mutual Friend.'"
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0009"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/398.png"><img src="images/398.png" width="50%"
+title="'I've seen it--'tain't no good.'"
+alt="'I've seen it--'tain't no good.'" /></a>
+<br />
+<p>
+'<span class="sc">I've seen it&mdash;'tain't no good.</span>'
+</p>
+<p>
+"<span class="sc">'E gets 'ung, don't 'e?</span>"
+</p>
+<p>
+"<span class="sc">Yus, but they don't show yer that.</span>"
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>
+The Policeman's Friend.
+</h3>
+<p class="quote">
+    "Cook wanted, used to coppers."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page364" name="page364"></a>[364]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0011" id="h2H_4_0011"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    A CONVENIENT CONSCIENCE.
+</h2>
+
+<p>
+"I'm sorry to disturb you, Theodore," began Mrs. Plapp, opening the door
+of her husband's study, "but I've just been listening at the top of the
+kitchen stairs, and from what I overheard I'm certain that girl Louisa
+is having supper down there with a soldier!"
+</p>
+<p>
+"Dear, dear!" exclaimed Mr. Plapp; "I can't possibly permit any
+encouragement of militarism under <i>my</i> roof. Just when I'm appealing to
+be exempted from even non-combatant service, too! Go down and tell her
+she must get rid of him at once."
+</p>
+<p>
+"Couldn't <i>you</i>, Theodore?"
+</p>
+<p>
+"If I did, my love, he would probably refuse to go unless I put him out
+by force, which, as you are aware, is entirely contrary to my principles."
+</p>
+<p>
+"I was forgetting for the moment, Theodore. Never mind; I'll go myself."
+</p>
+<p>
+She had not been long gone before a burly stranger entered unceremoniously
+by the study window. "'Scuse me, guv'nor," he said, "but ain't you the
+party whose name I read in the paper&mdash;'im what swore 'e wouldn' lift
+'is finger not to save 'is own mother from a 'Un?"
+</p>
+<p>
+"I am," replied Mr. Plapp complacently. "I disbelieve in meeting violence
+<i>by</i> violence."
+</p>
+<p>
+"Ah, if there was more blokes like <i>you</i>, Guv'nor, this world 'ud be a
+better plice, for some on us. Blagg, <i>my</i> name is. Us perfeshnals ain't
+bin very busy doorin' this War, feelin' it wasn't the square thing,
+like, to break into 'omes as might 'ave members away fightin' fer our
+rights and property. But I reckon I ain't doin' nothink unpatriotic in
+comin' <i>'ere</i>. So jest you show me where you keeps yer silver."
+</p>
+<p>
+"The little we possess," said Mr. Plapp, rising, "is on the sideboard
+in the dining-room. If you will excuse me for a moment I'll go in and
+get it for you."
+</p>
+<p>
+"And lock me in 'ere while you ring up the slops!" retorted
+Mr. Blagg. "You don't go in not without <i>me</i>, you don't; and, unless
+you want a bullet through yer 'ed, you'd better make no noise neither!"
+</p>
+<p>
+No one could possibly have made less noise than Mr. Theodore Plapp,
+as, with the muzzle of his visitor's revolver pressed between his
+shoulder-blades, he hospitably led the way to the dining-room. There
+Mr. Blagg, with his back to the open door, superintended the packing of
+the plate in a bag he had brought for the purpose.
+</p>
+<p>
+"And now," said Mr. Plapp, as he put in the final fork, "there is
+nothing to detain you here any longer, unless I may offer you a glass
+of barley-water and a plasmon biscuit before you go?"
+</p>
+<p>
+Mr. Blagg consigned these refreshments to a region where the former
+at least might be more appreciated. "You kerry that bag inter the
+drorin'-room, will yer?" he said. "There may be one or two articles
+in there to take my fancy. 'Ere! 'Old 'ard!" he broke off suddenly,
+"What the blankety blank are you a-doin' of?"
+</p>
+<p>
+This apostrophe was addressed, however, not to his host, who was doing
+nothing whatever, but to the unseen owner of a pair of khaki-clad arms
+which had just pinioned him from behind. During the rough-and-tumble
+conflict that followed Mr. Plapp discreetly left the room, returning
+after a brief absence to find the soldier kneeling on Mr. Blagg's chest.
+</p>
+<p>
+"Good!" he said encouragingly; "you won't have to keep him down long.
+Help is at hand."
+</p>
+<p>
+"Why don't you <i>give</i> it me, then?" said the soldier, on whom the strain
+was evidently beginning to tell.
+</p>
+<p>
+"Because, my friend," explained Mr. Plapp, "if I did I should be acting
+against my conscience."
+</p>
+<p>
+"You <i>'ear</i> 'im, matey?" panted Mr. Blagg. "'E's <i>agin</i> you, 'e is. Agin
+all military-ism. So why the blinkin' blazes do <i>you</i> come buttin' in to
+defend them as don't approve o' bein' defended?"
+</p>
+<p>
+"Blowed if <i>I</i> know!" was the reply. "'Abit, I expect. Lay still, will
+you?" But Mr. Blagg, being exceptionally muscular, struggled with such
+violence that the issue seemed very doubtful indeed till Louisa rushed
+in to the rescue and, disregarding her employer's protests, succeeded
+in getting hold of the revolver.
+</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"It was lucky for you," remarked Mr. Plapp, after Mr. Blagg had been
+forcibly removed by a couple of constables, "that I had the presence
+of mind to telephone to the police station. I really thought once or
+twice that that dreadful man would have got the better of you."
+</p>
+<p>
+"And no thanks to <i>you</i> if he didn't," grunted the soldier. "I notice
+that, if your conscience goes against lighting yourself, it don't object
+to calling in others to fight for you."
+</p>
+<p>
+"As a citizen," Mr. Plapp replied, "I have a legal right to police
+protection. Your own intervention, though I admit it was timely, was
+uninvited by me, and, indeed, I consider your presence here requires
+some explanation."
+</p>
+<p>
+"I'd come up to tell you, as I told your good lady 'ere, that me and
+Louisa got married this morning, as I was home on six days' furlough
+from the Front. And she'll be leaving with me this very night."
+</p>
+<p>
+"But only for the er&mdash;honeymoon, I trust?" cried Mr. Plapp, naturally
+dismayed at the prospect of losing so faithful and competent a
+maid-of-all-work altogether. "Although I cannot approve of this marriage,
+I am willing, under the circumstances, to overlook it and allow her to
+remain in my service."
+</p>
+<p>
+"Remain!" said Louisa's husband, in a tone Mr. Plapp thought most uncalled
+for. "Why, I should never 'ave another 'appy moment in the trenches if I
+left her <i>'ere</i>, with no one to protect her but a thing like <i>you</i>! No,
+she's going to be in the care of someone I can <i>depend</i> on&mdash;my old aunt!"
+</p>
+<p>
+"I don't like losing Louisa," murmured Mrs. Plapp, so softly that her
+husband failed to catch her remark, "but&mdash;I think you're wise."
+</p>
+<p class="right">
+                 F. A.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0010"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/399.png"><img src="images/399.png" width="50%"
+title="First Slacker (to second ditto)..."
+alt="First Slacker (to second ditto)..." /></a>
+<br />
+<p>
+<i>First Slacker (to second ditto).</i> '<span class="sc">Well, no one can say
+ we're not patriots.  We're not keeping able-bodied caddies from joining
+ the Army.</span>'
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>
+A Dangerous Quest.
+</h3>
+<p class="quote">
+    "Lost, at Bestwood, Saturday, Irish Terrier Dog, finder rewarded,
+    dead or alive."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page365" name="page365"></a>[365]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0011"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/400.png"><img src="images/400.png" width="100%"
+title="Sergeant. ''Ere, what are you falling out for?'"
+alt="Sergeant. ''Ere, what are you falling out for?'" /></a>
+<br />
+<p>
+<i>Sergeant.</i> '<span class="sc">'Ere, what are you falling out for?</span>'
+</p>
+<p>
+<i>Excited Cockney.</i> "<span class="sc">See that pigeon? I'll swear 'e's got a message on 'im!</span>"
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0012" id="h2H_4_0012"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    SCREEN INFLUENCES.
+</h2>
+
+<p>
+The plea, "I saw it at the Cinema," may be offered by others than those
+of tender years in excuse for vagaries of conduct.
+</p>
+<p>
+Only the other day a young officer, wearing his Sam Browne equipment
+the wrong way round and carrying his sword under his left arm, was
+seen at King's Cross bidding farewell to his fiancée. As the train
+moved out he drew his sword, threw the scabbard away, and, standing
+stiffly to attention, saluted the fair lady. On being questioned by
+the authorities he said he was not aware that his conduct was unusual,
+as he had often seen that kind of thing done at the Cinema.
+</p>
+<p>
+In view of the popularity of the Cinema to-day, habitués of our more
+palatial restaurants cannot be surprised at the growing custom among
+men about town of wearing the napkin tucked deeply in at the neck,
+cutting up all their food at one time, and conveying it afterwards to
+the mouth with the fork grasped in the right hand.
+</p>
+<p>
+The following incident will show that the Cinema excuse is made to serve
+in other lands also. A simple Saxon soldier, in a moment of remembrance,
+stooped to pat the rosy cheek of a small Belgian child, then lifted the
+little one up and kissed him and kissed him again. A young officer
+caught him in the act. "What do you mean, you dog, by treating the
+brat so?" roared the lieutenant, who would have struck the man had not
+his companion, an older officer, restrained him. Together they waited
+for the fellow's explanation. "When I was on leave," said the soldier,
+"I&mdash;I saw Prussian soldiers treating little Belgian children like that&mdash;at
+the Cinema."
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>
+"The Elements so mixed" again.
+</h3>
+<p class="quote">
+    "Of two evils always choose the lesser, and on the whole we
+    think we might fall from the frying-pan into the fire if we
+    swopped horses whilst crossing the stream."&mdash;<i>Financial Critic.</i>
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="quote">
+    "Is the German Chancellor alone to be allowed to scatter broadcast
+    his falsifications of history?"&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph.</i>
+</p>
+<p>
+Oh, no! Some Members of the House of Commons have recently given him
+valuable assistance.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="quote">
+    "How an Irish colleen travelled free from Ireland to London was
+    explained at the Willesden Police Court yesterday, when she was
+    charged with not paying her face."
+</p>
+<p class="quote" style="text-align: right;">
+                 <i>Daily Sketch.</i>
+</p>
+<p>
+Rather ungrateful of her, after travelling on it so far.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0013" id="h2H_4_0013"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+</h2>
+<h3>
+    <span class="sc">XV.&mdash;Billingsgate.</span>
+</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">  "Trot, mare, trot, or I'll be late, </p>
+<p class="i2">  And Billing will have locked his Gate. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i8">        "Mister Billing, </p>
+<p class="i8">        Are you willing </p>
+<p class="i4">    To open your Gate to me?" </p>
+<p class="i8">        "Yes!" says Billing, </p>
+<p class="i8">        "Give me a shilling </p>
+<p class="i4">    And I will fetch the key." </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i8">        "Mister Billing, </p>
+<p class="i8">        I haven't a shilling, </p>
+<p class="i4">    I'll give you a button of horn." </p>
+<p class="i8">        "No!" says Billing, </p>
+<p class="i8">        "I'm unwilling, </p>
+<p class="i4">    A button will buy no corn." </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">  "Take it or leave it, but I can't wait&mdash; </p>
+<p class="i2">  Jump, mare, jump over Billing's Gate!" </p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<h3>
+<span class="sc">XVI.&mdash;Limehouse and Poplar.</span>
+</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   I planted a limestone once upon a time, </p>
+<p class="i2">   And up came a little wee House of Lime. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   I planted a seed by the corner of the wall, </p>
+<p class="i2">   And up came a Poplar ninety feet tall. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   I settled down for life, as happy as could be, </p>
+<p class="i2">   In my little wee Lime-House by my big Poplar-Tree. </p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page366" name="page366"></a>[366]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0014" id="h2H_4_0014"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
+</h2>
+
+<p>
+Late October and a grey morning tinging to gold through the warming
+mist. A large comfortable dining-room smelling faintly of chrysanthemums
+and more strongly of coffee and breakfast dishes. In the hearth a great
+fire, throwing its flames about as with joy of life. The table-cloth,
+the silver, the dishes, the carpet on the floor, the side-board, the
+pictures, the wall-paper told of wealth and ease, the fruits of peace,
+and the arrangement of these things told of the good taste which is so
+essentially the fruit of long peace.
+</p>
+<p>
+The room was empty, and the first to enter it that morning was the Mother.
+She was a tall imposing woman, and her bearing and her little mannerisms
+were of the kind that the latter-day novelists have delighted to use
+as matter for their irony. It was the Boy's birthday&mdash;his eighteenth
+birthday, the first he had spent at home since he had been going to
+his preparatory and his public school. So she departed from the usual
+routine to place by the side of his napkin the neat little parcels she
+had brought down with her. Two of them were from her other sons fighting
+in France. They were a very affectionate and united family&mdash;father and
+mother and the three sons.
+</p>
+<p>
+After that she went to her husband's end of the table and looked through
+the heap of letters placed there as usual by the admirable butler. It
+was understood of old that she opened no letters but those addressed
+to her, not even the letters from the fighting sons when they happened
+to write to their father instead of to her.
+</p>
+<p>
+This time, however, her eye caught at once, between the edges of the
+others, an official envelope and, lower yet, another. She became rigid
+and stood for a minute by the table, her mind running vaguely into
+endless depths. Then she put her hand out and picked the envelopes from
+the heap and saw that her fears might not be groundless. But they were
+addressed to her husband, and at that moment she heard his tread and
+his slight cough as he came slowly down the stairs. Hastily she pushed
+them back among the others and went to her place. When he came into
+the room she was busy with the urn.
+</p>
+<p>
+As usual he was just putting his handkerchief back; as usual he looked
+out of the window, then walked over to the fire and warmed his hands
+automatically. All this business of coming down to breakfast had been
+to him for so many years a leisurely pleasant business in a world free
+from serious worries, that even the War, with its terrible disturbances,
+with its breaking up of the family circle, had not succeeded in altering
+his habits. Everything waited for him&mdash;for he was not unpunctual&mdash;the
+letters, the newspaper and the breakfast. But this day was the Boy's
+birthday and the Father took from his pocket an envelope and placed it
+with a smile by the side of the little parcels.
+</p>
+<p>
+Would he never look at his letters? The Mother was on the point of
+speaking, but long habit, the old habit of obedience to her lord,
+restrained her. Even now, when she was cold with anxiety, those old
+concealed forces of habit restrained her. Might she not offend him?
+</p>
+<p>
+The Father sat down, put on his glasses and began to look at the pile by
+his side. She noticed the slight start he gave and her eyes met his as
+he looked up suddenly at her. Deliberately braving Fate, he put those
+two envelopes aside. It was evident that he meant to read through all
+the others first, but he was not so strong as he thought. His fingers
+went again to the official envelopes and he took up the letter-opener
+placed ready for his use by the admirable butler and slit along the
+top of one envelope and took the thin paper from it and read.
+</p>
+<p>
+His head drooped a little, and the Mother came round to his side. Then
+he opened the other and suddenly sat very still, with his great strong
+fine hand open on the paper, gazing straight in front of him. His wife
+bent over him and tried to speak, but her voice had died to a whisper,
+a hoarse straining sound.
+</p>
+<p>
+"Dead?" she said at last.
+</p>
+<p>
+Her husband dropped his head in affirmation.
+</p>
+<p>
+"Which?"
+</p>
+<p>
+He did not answer and the Mother understood. "Oh, Harry, not <i>both</i>?"
+</p>
+<p>
+Again his head drooped and he fumbled for the papers and gave them to
+her, and as he did so a tear rolled suddenly down his cheek and splashed
+on a spoon. It seemed to be a sign to him, he felt his courage giving
+way and visibly pulled himself together. Then he turned to take the
+Mother's hand, rising from his seat. They stood a little while thus,
+the Mother looking away, as he had done, into unfathomable distances
+of time and space. Then she too pulled herself together and went to her
+place at the other end of the table. They heard steps on the staircase,
+a voice singing. The door opened and the Boy came in late and expecting
+a comment from his father, His eyes travelled to the parcels beside his
+plate, then he felt the silence and saw the strained expressions of his
+mother and father and lastly the official papers. He came forward and
+spoke bravely.
+</p>
+<p>
+"Bad news, Dad?"
+</p>
+<p>
+There was no answer. He had not expected one, for he read the truth on
+the face that had never lied. He stood very still for a brief moment, his
+head up&mdash;characteristically&mdash;his face a little pale. Both brothers! Then
+he breathed deeply and turned to his father in expectation. The latter
+knew what was wanted.
+</p>
+<p>
+"You are eighteen to-day, Boy. You may apply for your commission."
+</p>
+<p>
+There was a cry, quickly stifled, from the Mother, and the Boy said very
+quietly, "Thank you, Dad; of course I must go now." Then he went to his
+mother and kissed her and was not ashamed to cry.
+</p>
+<p>
+It was his father who broke the silence.
+</p>
+<p>
+"May God grant you many returns, many happy returns of the day!"
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>
+THE SORROWS OF WILSON.
+</h3>
+<p class="center">
+(<i>With humble apologies to <span class="sc">Thackeray</span>.</i>)
+</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   <span class="sc">Wilson</span> had a love for Charlotte </p>
+<p class="i4">     That impelled him to address her </p>
+<p class="i2">   (Charlotte was a town, and <span class="sc">Wilson</span> </p>
+<p class="i4">     Was a famous ex-Professor). </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   So upon the War in Europe </p>
+<p class="i4">     He delivered an oration, </p>
+<p class="i2">   Darkly hinting at the problems </p>
+<p class="i4">     Calling for elucidation. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   As reported in the papers, </p>
+<p class="i4">     He discussed the situation </p>
+<p class="i2">   With Olympian detachment </p>
+<p class="i4">     And conspicuous moderation. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   But the wireless <span class="sc">Wolff</span> discovered </p>
+<p class="i4">     In his words a declaration </p>
+<p class="i2">   Of his laudable intention </p>
+<p class="i4">     To proceed to mediation. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   Thus the speech, which cost good <span class="sc">Wilson</span> </p>
+<p class="i4">     Many hours of toil and trouble, </p>
+<p class="i2">   From a sober cautious statement </p>
+<p class="i4">     Turned into a Berlin bubble. </p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">   Charlotte, having heard the lecture, </p>
+<p class="i4">     Ignorant of what was brewing, </p>
+<p class="i2">   Like a well-conducted city </p>
+<p class="i4">     Went on innocently chewing. </p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="quote">
+    "The water in the South-West Norfolk Fens has now subsided about
+    6 in. Two 6 ft. openings have been cut in the river bank near
+    the Southery engine to let the water flow into the river. Two
+    temporary slackers have been put in the openings, so that they
+    can be closed when the tide is higher in the river."
+</p>
+<p class="quote" style="text-align: right;">
+                 <i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p>
+<p>
+They might just as well have been put into the trenches.
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page367" name="page367"></a>[367]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0012"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/402.png"><img src="images/402.png" width="100%"
+title="Orderly Officer. 'What are you doing without your rifle, Sentry?'..."
+alt="Orderly Officer. 'What are you doing without your rifle, Sentry?'..." /></a>
+<br />
+<p>
+<i>Orderly Officer.</i> '<span class="sc">What are you doing without your rifle, Sentry?</span>'
+</p>
+<p>
+<i>Tommy.</i> "<span class="sc">Beg pardon, Sir, but I ain't the Sentry.</span>"
+</p>
+<p>
+<i>Orderly Officer.</i> "<span class="sc">Who are you, then, and where is the Sentry?</span>"
+</p>
+<p>
+<i>Tommy.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, 'e's inside out of the rain. <i>I</i>'m one of the prisoners.</span>"
+</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div><a name="h2H_4_0015" id="h2H_4_0015"><!-- H2 anchor --></a></div>
+
+<div style="height: 4em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<h2>
+    OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+</h2>
+<h3>
+    (<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)
+</h3>
+
+<p>
+Herr <span class="sc">Hermann Fernau's</span> <i>Because I am a German</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>) is a sort of postscript
+to the widely-outside-Germany-circulated <i>J'accuse!</i>, that vigorous
+indictment by an anonymous German of the Prussian clique as the criminal
+authors of the War. Herr <span class="sc">Fernau</span> summarises the argument of <i>J'accuse!</i>
+and if anyone cares to have at his finger-tips the essential case against
+the enemy he could not do better than absorb the six pages in which
+twenty-four questions put by the anonymous author to the directors of his
+unhappy country's destiny are most skilfully compressed. Four attempted
+German answers are shown by our author to have in common an amazing
+reluctance to deal with any single definite point at issue; and a most
+unjudicial appeal to popular hatred of the traitor critic. Of course it
+is a cheap line to welcome as a miracle of wisdom every German who takes
+a pro-Ally view. But I honestly detect no shadow of pro-Ally bias in this
+book, and it is certainly no tirade against Germany. What bias there is
+is that of the extreme republican against his autocratic government. "I
+have read," says Herr <span class="sc">Fernau</span> in effect, "this perfectly serious and
+definite indictment lucidly drawn in legal form. I hope as a German (not
+afraid to sign my name) there is an answer. But whereas the Entente Powers
+have supported their official case by documentary evidence we are asked
+to accept mere asseveration in the case of Germany. That is the less
+allowable as the obvious (though not necessarily the true) reading of the
+facts is against her. Silence and vigorous suppression of the indictment
+look rather like signs of guilt." Yes, emphatically a book for members
+of the Independent Labour Party.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+<i>Beatrice Lovelace</i> belonged to a family that had come down in the world,
+and were now Reduced County. So far reduced, indeed, that <i>Beatrice</i>
+lived with her cross aunt <i>Anastasia</i> and one little maid-of-all-work
+in a tiny house in a very dull suburb, where the aunt would not allow
+her to be friends with the neighbours. However, one fine day two
+things happened. <i>Beatrice</i> got to know the young man next door, and
+the little servant (whose name, by a silly coincidence which vexed
+me, happened to be <i>Million</i>) was left a million dollars. So, as the
+house was already uncomfortable by reason of a row about the young man,
+<i>Beatrice</i> determined to shake the suburban dust from her shapely feet
+and take service as maid to her ex-domestic. That is why the story of
+it is called <i>Miss Million's Maid</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>). An excellent story, too,
+told with great verve by Mrs. <span class="sc">Oliver Onions</span>. I could never attempt to
+detail the complicated adventures to which their fantastic situation
+exposes <i>Beatrice</i> and <i>Million</i>. Of course they have each a lover; indeed,
+the supply of suitors is soon in excess of the demand. Also there is an
+apparent abduction of the heiress (which turns out to be no abduction at
+all, but a very pleasant and kindly episode, which I won't spoil for you),
+and a complicated affair of a stolen ruby that brings both heroines into
+the dock. It is all great fun and as unreal as a fairy-tale. For which
+reason may I
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page368" name="page368"></a>[368]</span>
+
+             suggest that it was an error to date it 1914? Such nonsensical
+and dream-like imaginings are so happily out of key with the world-tragedy
+that its introduction strikes a note of discord.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+I have just finished reading a distinguished book, <i>One of Our
+Grandmothers</i> (<span class="sc">Chapman and Hall</span>), by <span class="sc">Ethel Colburn Mayne</span>&mdash;a book full of a
+delicate insight and very shrewd characterisation. It probes to the heart
+of the mystery of girlhood&mdash;Irish girlhood in this case. I certainly
+think that <i>Millicent</i>, who was a sort of prig, yet splendidly alive,
+with her gift of music (which, contrary to custom in these matters,
+the author makes you really believe in), her temperament, her temper
+and her limitless demands on life, would have given young <i>Maryon</i>,
+of the Royal Irish Constabulary, a trying time of it; but it would
+have been worth it. That, by the way, was <i>Jerry's</i> opinion, common,
+horsey, true-hearted, clean-minded little <i>Jerry</i>, who was the father
+of <i>Millicent's</i> coarse and something cruel stepmother. I have rarely
+read a more fragrant chapter than that in which this queer, sensitive,
+loyal little man tries to cut away the girl's ignorance while healing
+the hurt that a rougher hand (a woman's), making the same attempt, had
+caused. Perhaps Miss <i>Mayne</i> was really trying to trace to its source
+the stream of modern feminism. She is a rare explorer and cartographer.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+<i>A Rich Man's Table</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>) is one of those stories that I find
+slightly irritating, because they appear to lead nowhere. Perhaps this
+attitude is unreasonable, and mere fiction should be all that I have
+a right to look for. But in that case I confess to wishing a little
+more body to it. Miss <span class="sc">Ella MacMahon's</span> latest novel is somehow a little
+flat; not even the splintered infinitive on the first page could impart any
+real snap to it. The rich man was Mr. <i>Bentley Broke</i>, a pompous person,
+who had one child, a son of literary leanings named <i>Otho</i>. Perhaps
+I was intended to sympathise with <i>Otho</i>. It looked like it at first;
+but later, when he left home and married, without paternal blessing, the
+daughter of his father's great rival, he developed into such a fool&mdash;and
+objectionable at that&mdash;that I became uncertain on the matter. Especially
+as the pompous parent, lacking nerve to carry out a matrimonial venture
+on his own account, relented and behaved quite decently to the rebellious
+pair. So the rich man's table would have, as all tables should, more than
+one pair of legs under it again. Nothing very fresh or thrilling in all
+this, you may observe. But the characters, for what they are, live, and
+are drawn briskly enough. And there is some skill in the contrast between
+a dinner of herbs in Fulham, and a stalled ox, with fatted calf, at the
+rich man's table in Portman Square. Perhaps this is the point of the story.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+So often have I read and admired the novels of "<span class="sc">M. E. Francis</span>" that to
+praise her work has become a habit which it irks me to break. But I am
+now bound to say that <i>Penton's Captain</i> (<span class="sc">Chapman and Hall</span>) has not added
+to my debt. And the cause of the trouble&mdash;as of so many other troubles&mdash;is
+the War. In her own line Mrs. <i>Blundell</i> is inimitable, but here she is
+just one of a hundred or a thousand whose fiction seems trivial beside the
+facts of life and death. Apart from this defect, her story is absolutely
+without offence, a simple tale of love and misunderstandings and war and
+heroism, and the curtain falls upon a scene of complete happiness. Her
+only fault is that she has been tempted, excusably enough in these days
+of upheaval, to wander from her element, and I am looking forward to the
+day when she returns to it and I can again thank her with the old zest
+and sincerity.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>
+As a painstaking study of lower middle-class life <i>The Progress of Kay</i>
+(<span class="sc">Constable</span>) is to be remarked and remembered. That is not, however, to say
+that it is exciting, for <i>Kay's</i> progress consisted so much in just
+getting older that I suspect Mr. <span class="sc">G. W. Bullett's</span> title to be ironical. As
+a child <i>Kay</i> had some imagination and a sense of mischief; as an adult
+he would have been all the better for a little military training, and
+there is no disguising the fact that as a married man and a father he
+was a dreary creature. I can well believe, from the air of truth which
+these pages wear, that there are plenty of <i>Kays</i> in the world to-day;
+and to confess that I was not greatly intrigued by this particular sample
+when he grew to man's estate is in its way a compliment to his creator. For
+however much you may like or dislike the mark at which Mr. <span class="sc">Bullett</span> has
+aimed there is no doubt that he has hit it. Villadom, by his art, takes
+on a revived significance, and <i>Kay's</i> career encourages reflection
+touched by a vague sadness.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figure">
+<a name="image-0013"><!--IMG--></a>
+<a href="images/403.png"><img src="images/403.png" width="50%"
+title="False Economy."
+alt="FALSE ECONOMY." /></a>
+<br />
+<big>FALSE ECONOMY.</big>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>
+A Tale for the Horse-Marines.
+</h3>
+<p class="quote" style="text-align: right;">
+                                                     "<i>London, Sunday.</i>
+</p>
+<p class="quote">
+    "While a British submarine was rescuing the Zeppelin crew in the
+    North Sea, a German cruiser fired at it.
+</p>
+<p class="quote">
+    "The Cavalry from Salonika are pursuing the remainder of the
+    Zeppelin crew."&mdash;<i>Egyptian Mail.</i>
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="center">
+"LONDON STOCKS.
+</p>
+<p class="center">
+<span class="sc">Revival in Guilt-Edged Securities.</span>"
+</p>
+<p class="quote" style="text-align: right;">
+                                        <i>Manchester Evening Chronicle.</i>
+</p>
+<p>
+Now we hope our contemporary will coin an equally felicitous description
+for the pillory.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="quote">
+    "Mr. Hughes, the Australian Prime Minister, was carried
+    triumphantly round camp last night after he had addressed nearly
+    two thousand Anzacs on parade. Mr. Hughes was accompanied by
+    Mrs. Hughes, Mr. Fisher, High Commissioner, and Mrs. Fisher.
+    Brigadier-General Sir Newton Moore, Commander-in-Chief of the
+    Australian Forces in England, was also present with Lady Moore."
+</p>
+<p class="quote" style="text-align: right;">
+                 <i>Morning Paper.</i>
+</p>
+<p>
+It is regrettable that General and Lady <span class="sc">Moore</span> could not share the honours,
+but probably the chair was constructed to carry four only.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<p>
+<b>Transcriber's Note:</b> A linked Table of Contents has been provided for the convenience of
+the reader.
+</p>
+
+<div style="height: 6em;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol.
+150, May 31, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+***** This file should be named 36995-h.htm or 36995-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/9/9/36995/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, David Garcia and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
+
diff --git a/36995-h/images/388.png b/36995-h/images/388.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4e92b64
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/388.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/390.png b/36995-h/images/390.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..713671e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/390.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/391.png b/36995-h/images/391.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..969255e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/391.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/392.png b/36995-h/images/392.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5ecf530
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/392.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/394-1.png b/36995-h/images/394-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8d0df23
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/394-1.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/394-2.png b/36995-h/images/394-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e450634
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/394-2.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/394-3.png b/36995-h/images/394-3.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..17f5716
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/394-3.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/394-4.png b/36995-h/images/394-4.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..00d5d68
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/394-4.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/395.png b/36995-h/images/395.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9a831fa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/395.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/396.png b/36995-h/images/396.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c2a950b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/396.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/397.png b/36995-h/images/397.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..33ec3bb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/397.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/398.png b/36995-h/images/398.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..be3c896
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/398.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/399.png b/36995-h/images/399.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..50c9926
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/399.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/400.png b/36995-h/images/400.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5a90501
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/400.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/402.png b/36995-h/images/402.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e5e910c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/402.png
diff --git a/36995-h/images/403.png b/36995-h/images/403.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4cde877
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995-h/images/403.png
diff --git a/36995.txt b/36995.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b833c26
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1959 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+May 31, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 150, May 31, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 7, 2011 [EBook #36995]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, David Garcia and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150.
+
+MAY 31, 1916.
+
+
+[Illustration: _Retired Major (to mendicant who has claimed to have seen
+service in the South African War)._ "WRETCHED IMPOSTOR! THAT IS AN
+INDIAN MUTINY RIBBON."
+
+_Mendicant._ "LUMME! IS IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+A conscientious objector told the Cambridge tribunal that he could not
+pass a butcher's shop without shuddering. The suggestion that he should
+obviate the shudders by going inside seems almost too simple a solution.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+According to a report of the committee appointed to investigate the
+matter, water is the best agent for suppressing conflagrations caused
+by bombs. It is not suggested, however, that other remedies now in
+use for the purpose, such as the censorship of the Press, should be
+completely abandoned.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+According to Reuter (whom we have no reason to doubt) a campaign is now
+being waged in German East Africa against giraffes, which have been
+inconveniencing our telegraphic system by scratching the wires with
+their necks. It will be remembered that the policy of using giraffes
+instead of telegraph poles was adopted by the War Office in the face
+of a strong body of adverse opinion.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+It is reported that, as the result of the prohibition by Sweden of the
+exportation of haddock, salmon, cleverly disguised to resemble the
+former, are being sold by unscrupulous fishmongers in the Mile End Road.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+An arsenal worker has pleaded for exemption on the ground that he had
+seven little pigs to look after. The Tribunal however promised him that
+in the German trenches he would find as many full-grown pigs to look
+after as the heart of man could desire.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+"In showing how to use as little meat as possible," says a contemporary
+in the course of a review of the Thrift Exhibition of the National
+School of Cookery, "a cook mixed the steak for her pudding in with
+the pastry." This is a striking improvement upon the old-fashioned
+method of serving the pastry by itself and mixing the steak with the
+banana-fritters.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+"A cricketer from the Front" (says an evening paper) "believes a lot of
+fellows would escape wounds if they would watch missiles more carefully."
+It would, of course, be better still if there was a really courageous
+umpire to cry "No-ball" in all cases of objectionable delivery.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+Addressing the staff at SELFRIDGE's on Empire Day, Mr. GORDON SELFRIDGE
+said he was glad that President WILSON, "who had had his ear to the ground
+for a long time, had at last seemed to realise that the American nation
+was at heart wholly with the principles that animated the Allies in
+this world struggle." But why put his ear to the ground to listen? Does
+he imagine that the heart of the American nation is in its boots?
+
+     *   *   *
+
+The Lord Mayor of LONDON states that he expects that within a couple of
+years he will be able to reach his estate, seventy miles from London,
+in half-an-hour by aeroplane. We hope his prophecy may be realised,
+but we cannot help wondering what would happen if his aeroplane were
+to turn turtle on the way.
+
+     *   *   *
+
+A legal point has been raised as to whether a woman who, while attempting
+to kill a wasp, breaks her neighbour's window is liable for damages.
+Counsel is understood to have expressed the view that, if the defendant
+had broken plaintiff's window while trespassing through the same
+in pursuit of the wasp, or had failed to give the wasp a reasonable
+opportunity of departing peaceably, or if it could be shown that the
+wasp had not previously exhibited a ferocious disposition, then judgment
+must be for the plaintiff.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Here in a circular letter from the Home Office we find the
+    sentence: 'The increase in the number of juvenile offenders is
+    mainly caused by an increase of nearly 50 per cent. in cases
+    of larceny.' In ordinary human language this only means that
+    nearly twice as many children were caught thieving as in the
+    year before. But it would be all that an official's place was
+    worth to say so."
+
+                                                          _The Nation._
+
+Certainly it would, if his duties required a knowledge of elementary
+arithmetic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE BRITISH DRAGON.
+
+    [The KAISER's Chancellor, in an interview with the American
+    journalist, KARL VON WIEGAND, accuses England of militarism, and
+    alleges that we pursued towards Germany a policy of envelopment
+    (_Einkreisungspolitik_).]
+
+
+  They mocked us for a peaceful folk,
+    A land that flowed with beer and chops;
+  NAPOLEON (ere we had him broke)
+    Remarked our taste for keeping shops;
+  And WILLIAM, in his humorous way,
+    Thought that we must have all gone barmy
+  Because we joined so large a fray
+    With so absurdly small an army.
+
+  Opinions alter. Now it seems,
+    Under our outer rind, or peel,
+  Deep at the core of England's schemes
+    There lurked a lust for blood and steel;
+  Herr BETHMANN-HOLLWEG he proclaims
+    The War was due to our intrigue and
+  Expounds our militaristic aims
+    Into the ear of Herr VON WIEGAND.
+
+  We are a dragon belching fire,
+    One of those horrors, spawned in hell,
+  Who come from wallowing in the mire
+    To crunch the innocent damosel;
+  And when we've nosed about and found
+    What looks to be a toothsome jawful
+  We call our mates and ring her round
+    With other dragons just as awful.
+
+  Prussia was ever such a maid;
+    Pink-toed and fair and free from guile
+  She frolicked in the flowery glade,
+    Pursuing Culture all the while;
+  Then, coached by GREY, the monsters came,
+    And their behaviour (something horrid)
+  BETHMANN condemns, and brands the blame
+    Upon the premier dragon's forehead.
+
+                                                                   O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+No. XL.
+
+(_From a German._)
+
+
+Yes, and for the very reason that I am a German I am speaking to you,
+so that you may know what one German at least thinks of you and your
+deeds. For I know that even where you sit walled about by your flatterers,
+ramparted against the intrusion of any fresh breath of criticism, and
+protected by entanglements of barbed wire against any hint of doubt as to
+your god-like attributes--even there I know that my voice shall in time
+reach you, and you shall become aware that there is a German who dares
+to say of you what millions of Germans think and soon will dare to say.
+
+You are the man, Sir, who by a word spoken in a seasonable moment might
+have forbidden the War, and this word you refused to speak because,
+knowing your own preparations for war and those of the nations whom
+you forced to be your enemies, you anticipated an easy and a swift
+triumph. You believed that, after spending a few thousands of men and a
+few millions of marks, victory would be yours, and you would be able,
+as an unquestioned conqueror, to dictate peace to those who had dared
+to oppose you. And thus in a few months at the most you would return
+to Berlin and prance along the flower-strewn streets at the head of
+your victorious and but little-injured regiments. It is told of you
+that lately, when you visited a great hospital crowded with maimed and
+shattered men, your vain and shallow mind was for a moment startled by
+the terrible sight, and you murmured, "It was not I who willed this."
+In part you were right. You did not consciously will to bring upon
+your country the suffering and the misery you have caused, because you
+were willing to take the gambler's chance; but in the sight of God,
+to whom you often appeal, you will not escape the responsibility for
+having steadily thrust peace and conciliation aside when, as I say,
+by one word you might have avoided war.
+
+Germany, you will say, is a great nation and cannot brook being insulted
+and defied. Great Heaven, Sir, who denied that Germany was great? Who
+wished to insult or defy her? Not France, whose one desire was to
+live in peace; not Russia, still bleeding from wounds suffered at the
+hands of Japan; not England, still, as of old, intent on her commercial
+development, though anxious, naturally enough, for her Fleet; not Italy,
+bound to you by a treaty designed to guard against aggression. It is
+true that all nations were becoming weary of a violent and hectoring
+diplomacy, of a restless and jealous punctilio seeking out occasions
+for misunderstandings and quarrels, and rushing wildly from one crisis
+to another; but under your direction this intolerable system had been
+patented and put in operation by Germany and by no other nation. It was
+as though a _parvenu_, uncertain of his manners and doubtful as to his
+reception, should burst violently into a _salon_ filled with quiet people
+and, having upset the furniture and thrown the china ornaments about,
+should accuse all the rest of treading on his toes and insulting him. So
+did Germany act, and for such actions you, who had autocratic power--you,
+at whose nod Chancellors trembled--you loved their tremors--and Generals
+quaked with fear--must be held responsible. What low strain of vulgarity
+was it, what coarse desire to bluster and rant yourself into fame and
+honour, rather than to deserve them by a magnanimous patience and a
+gentleness beyond reproach, that drove you on your perilous way? It was
+your pettiness that at the last plunged you into the War.
+
+And now that you have been in it for little short of two years, how
+stands the Fatherland, and where are the visions of easy and all but
+immediate victory? Germany is bleeding at every pore. Her soldiers are
+brave; but to confirm you on your throne you force them day by day to
+a slaughter in which millions have already been laid low. That other
+nations are suffering too is for me no consolation. My thoughts are
+centred on Germany, once so nobly great, and now forced by a restless
+and jealous lunatic into a war to which there seems no end.
+
+I sign myself in deep sorrow,
+
+                                                              A GERMAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"The Mahogany Tree."
+
+    A correspondent writes to Mr. Punch: "In this season's _Printer's
+    Pie_ your old friend and mine, Sir HENRY LUCY, speaks of '"the old
+    mahogany tree" in Bouverie Street, under which THACKERAY for a while
+    sat.' This tantalising sidelight makes many of us pine for fuller
+    information. Did the incident occur on some particular occasion,
+    or did the great novelist make a practice of this engaging form
+    of self-effacement?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At a camp in Essex New Zealand troops joined with the local
+    school children in the celebrations. The men paraded and the New
+    Zealand flag was saluted. Afterwards there was a march past; the
+    National Anthem, Kipling's 'Recessional,' and 'Lest we Forget'
+    were sung."--_The Times._
+
+Mr. KIPLING seems to have got an encore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HELD!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+A REGRETTABLE INCIDENT.
+
+
+Anne was standing in the hall looking like nothing on earth. One of the
+reasons why I gave in to Anne and married her was because of her repose.
+She can look more tragic than BERNHARDT, but she never makes a noise. In
+moments of domestic stress, as when the six hens we had purchased
+contributed one egg and that in the next garden (date of birth unknown),
+Anne assumes a plaintive smile that leaves the English language at the
+post. When the cook, who wears a frayed ulster ornamented with regimental
+badges ranging from the Royal Scots to the Brixton Cyclists, looked
+on the wine and went further, Anne did not blurt out crudities. Having
+shut the kitchen-door behind her, she simply entered the hall and walked
+smoothly to the plate where any persons who call may leave cards. Already
+she had soothed the house; and in that splendid silence, that pursuit
+of the commonplace, she had not merely calmed my dread of the scene
+that accompanies a cab and a constable, but had carolled, as it were,
+to Ethel the nursery-maid tilted over the second floor banisters that
+all was well, or nearly so.
+
+Having stared gravely at a dusty card, which we all knew by heart, Anne
+turned her face and, raising her eyebrows about an eighth of an inch,
+shrugged her shoulders very slightly and passed on.
+
+But on the present occasion there was, so far as I was aware, no domestic
+friction--we had boiled the hens--and I was, I admit, at a loss.
+
+"Come, Herbert," said Anne gently. Then I knew that we were bankrupt--I
+mean, of course, more bankrupt. I knew that the Government, having
+crouched in leash, had sprung with a snarl upon the married man of
+forty-five.
+
+We seated ourselves in Anne's room just as persons do upon the stage,
+Anne, leaning against the shutter, stared dreamily out of the window.
+
+"Tell me," I said.
+
+Anne is a great artist. She dabbed at her cheeks--but lightly, as though
+scorned a tear--smiled bravely at me with moist eyes, and, walking to
+the mantelpiece, adjusted a Dresden shepherdess.
+
+"You have heard me speak of the Ruritanian Relief Fund," she said in a
+splendid off-hand tone.
+
+"Frequently," I responded, but not impatiently.
+
+"It was, you remember, the only possible fund when dear Lady Rogerson
+heard about the War. All the other allied countries had been snapped
+up--there seemed for a while no chance, no hope. Lady Rogerson was
+so brave. She said to me at the time, 'My dear we will not give in--we
+have as much right as anyone else to hold meetings and ask for money.'"
+
+"And so you did, dear--surely you have been in the thick of it. Constantly
+have I seen appeals for Ruritania in the Press."
+
+Anne permitted herself a faint gesture.
+
+"Everything was going so well," she continued, dusting the shepherdess
+abstractedly. "We had a splendid committee, and Lady Rogerson was
+leaving for Ruritania with our Ladies' Coffee Unit this morning. They
+were going to provide hot refreshment for the gallant mountaineers as
+they marched through their beautiful mountain passes--they have them,
+haven't they, Herbert?"
+
+"They must have," I said hotly. It was a nice state of affairs if they
+were going to back out of the coffee on that preposterous ground.
+
+"At the last moment," she sobbed, and, dropping the shepherdess, was
+quite overcome. I was seriously concerned for poor Anne, whose affection
+for the Ruritanians was only rivalled by her ignorance of where the
+blessed country is.
+
+"At the station," she said suddenly in a low voice, "news came that
+Ruritania was not even at war."
+
+"Monstrous," I cried. "Most monstrous."
+
+"So we all came back, and Lady Rogerson was so splendid and looked so
+brave in her sombrero and brass buttons. She explained how it was all
+her own fault--that old Colonel Smith had muddled the names of the
+Allies, and that we must be patient because who knew what might or
+might not happen in the future? But would you believe it, several of
+the Committee said the most awful things about Ruritania and poor Lady
+Rogerson, and in the middle of it all the telephone bell rang."
+
+"Ah," I said, with a knowing look.
+
+"And Lady Rogerson, after a moment, laid down the receiver, turned
+like BOADICEA, and said in a voice I shall never forget, 'Ladies and
+gentlemen, Ruritania declared war this afternoon. If the Coffee Unit
+starts immediately they can catch the night train.'"
+
+Anne paused and made a little cairn of broken china on the mantelpiece.
+
+"I'm so glad," I said, stroking her hand--"so glad. Lady Rogerson
+deserved her triumph."
+
+Anne made no comment for a moment. When she spoke her voice was poignant.
+
+"The Committee sang the National Anthem," she resumed miserably, "and
+we all put on our Ruritanian flags. A vote of confidence in dear Lady
+Rogerson was passed amidst tremendous enthusiasm, and the Coffee Unit
+set off for the station."
+
+"It must now be on its way," I remarked briskly.
+
+"No," said Anne, "never."
+
+"But Ruritania?"
+
+Anne trailed to the door. She was a wonderful artist in effects.
+
+"Ruritania declared war"--
+
+"I know, my dear--you said so"--
+
+"Upon the Allies," added Anne, and left the room.
+
+It was, considering everything, a rotten thing for Ruritania to do.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Boots (in Irish hotel)._ "I'VE FORGOTTEN, CAPTAIN,
+WHETHER YOU WANTED TO BE CALLED AT SIX OR SEVEN."
+
+_Voice from within._ "WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?"
+
+_Boots._ "EIGHT, YER HONOUR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Our Helpful Critics.
+
+    "Browning's _Sordello_ was literature--but not actable
+    drama."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+The same remark applies to _Paradise Lost_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Charwoman._ "PLEASE, MUM, I AIN'T COMING TO WORK HERE NO
+MORE."
+
+_Mistress._ "INDEED. HOW IS THAT?"
+
+_Charwoman._ "WELL, MY MAN'S EARNING SO MUCH NOW THAT THERE'S PLENTY
+COMING IN. LAST WEEK WE WAS OBLIGED TO PUT SOME IN THE SAVINGS-BANK, AND
+I'M AFRAID WE SHALL HAVE TO AGAIN _THIS_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THOUGHTS ON NEWSPAPERS.
+
+
+I swear that this article is not written in the interests of the
+newspaper trade.
+
+If it bears fruit the newspaper trade will score, but that I cannot help.
+It is written in the larger interests of humanity and the sweeter life.
+
+The situation briefly is this. One paper is not enough for any house,
+and some houses or families require many. In the house in which I write,
+situate in a foreign country, there are many exiles from England and
+only one paper, which arrives on the fourth day after publication (thus
+making Wednesday a terrible blank), and sometimes does not complete
+the round of readers until to-morrow. The result is that a bad spirit
+prevails. Normally open and candid persons are found concealing the
+paper against a later and freer hour; terminological inexactitude is
+even resorted to in order to cover such jackdaw-hoardings; glances become
+covetous and suspicious.
+
+All this could be obviated.
+
+I remember hearing of a distinguished and original and masterful
+lady (SARGENT has painted her) in the great days, or rather the
+high-spirited days, of _The Pall Mall Gazette_--when verse was called
+Occ, and it was more important that a leading article should have a comic
+caption than internal sagacity, and six different Autolyci vended their
+wares every week--who had fifteen copies of the paper delivered at her
+house every afternoon, and fifteen copies of _The Times_ every morning,
+so that each one of her family or guests might have a private reading;
+and she was right.
+
+A newspaper should be as personal as a toothbrush or a pipe, otherwise
+how can we tear a paragraph out of it if we want to?--as my friend, Mr.
+Blank, the historian, always does, for that great sociological essay on
+which he is engaged, entitled _The Limit_.
+
+But the idea of having enough papers for all has gained no ground. Even
+clubs don't have enough. And as for dentists----!
+
+Givers of theatre parties have been divided into those who buy a
+programme for each guest and those who buy one programme for all; and
+programmes, for some occult reason which seems to satisfy the British
+ass, cost sixpence each. Yet the enlightened hosts of the first group
+will cheerfully pack their houses with week-enders and supply but one
+_Observer_ for the lot. Why?
+
+The suggestion, even with war-time economy as an ideal before us, is
+not so mad as it sounds. Most of us smoke more cigarettes than we need,
+to an amount far exceeding the cost of six extra morning papers.
+
+The worst of it is that other people can never read a paper for us. Most
+people don't try; they put us off.
+
+If ever a La Rochefoucauld compiles the _sententiae_ of the breakfast-room
+he must include such apophthegms as these:--
+
+Even the most determined opponent of journalism becomes alert and
+prehensile on the arrival of the paper.
+
+He is a poor master of a house who does not insist upon the first sight
+of the paper.
+
+He is a poor master of a house who, on being asked if there is any news
+of-day, replies in the affirmative.
+
+No papers require so much reading as those with "nothing in them."
+
+He is a poor citizen who could not edit a paper better than its editor.
+
+Into what La Rochefoucauld would say when he came to deal not with the
+readers of papers but with papers themselves, I cannot enter. That is
+a different and a vaster matter. But certainly he should include this
+_pensee_:--
+
+He is a poor editor who does not know more than the PRIME MINISTER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+ABDUL: AN APPRECIATION.
+
+
+I heard the shriek of an approaching shell, something hit the ground
+beneath my feet, and I went sailing through the ether, to land softly on
+an iron hospital cot in a small white-walled room. There was no doubt
+that it was a most extraordinary happening. On the wall beside me was
+a temperature chart, on a table by my bed was a goolah of water, and
+in the air was that subtle Cairene smell. Yes, I was undoubtedly back
+in Cairo. Obviously I must have arrived by that shell.
+
+Then, as I was thinking it all out, appeared to me a vision in a long
+white galabieh. It smiled, or rather its mouth opened, and disclosed
+a row of teeth like hailstones on black garden mould.
+
+"Me Abdul," it said coyly; "gotter givit you one wash."
+
+I was washed in sections, and Abdul did it thoroughly. There came a halt
+after some more than usually strenuous scrubbing at my knees. Mutterings
+of "mushquais" (no good) and a wrinkled brow showed me that Abdul
+was puzzled. Then it dawned on me. I had been wearing shorts at Anzac,
+and Abdul was trying to wash the sunburn off my knees! By dint of bad
+French, worse Arabic, and much sign language I explained. Abdul went
+to the door and jodelled down the corridor, "Mo-haaaaamed, Achmed." Two
+other slaves of the wash-bowl appeared, and to them Abdul disclosed my
+mahogany knees with much the same air as the gentleman who tells one
+the fine points of the living skeleton on Hampstead Heath. They gazed in
+wonder. At last Achmed put his hand on my knee. "This called?" he asked.
+"Knee," I told him.
+
+"Yes," he said thoughtfully, "this neece--Arabic; this" (pointing to an
+unsunburnt part of my leg)--"Eengleesh."
+
+Then the washing proceeded uninterruptedly. "You feelin' very quais
+(good)?" Abdul asked. I told him I was pretty quais, but that I had been
+quaiser. "Ginral comin' safternoon and Missus," he informed me, and I
+gathered that no less a person than the Commander-in-Chief (one of them)
+was to visit the hospital. And so it happened, for about five o'clock
+there was a clinking of spurs in the passage, and the matron ushered
+in an affable brass hat and a very charming lady. In the background
+hovered several staff officers. Suddenly their ranks were burst asunder
+and Abdul appeared breathless.
+
+He had nearly missed the show. He stood over me with an air of ownership
+and suddenly whipped off my bed clothes, displaying my nether limbs. He
+saw he had made an impression. "Neece is Arabic," he said proudly. It was
+Abdul's best turn, and he brought the house down. The visitors departed,
+but for ten minutes I heard loud laughter from down the corridor. Abdul
+had departed in their wake, doubtless to tell Achmed and Mohammed of
+the success of his coup.
+
+I had been smoking cigarettes, but found the habit extravagant, as Abdul
+appreciated them even more than I did. One morning I woke up to see
+him making a cache in his round cotton cap. I kept quiet until he came
+nearer, and then I grabbed his hat. It was as I thought, and about ten
+cigarettes rolled on the floor. I looked sternly at Abdul. He was due to
+wither up and confess. Instead he broke first into a seraphic grin and
+then roared with laughter. "Oh, very funny, very, very funny," he said
+between his paroxysms. Now what could I say after that? I was beaten and
+I had to admit it, but I decided that I would smoke a pipe. To this end
+I gave Abdul ten piastres and sent him out to buy me some tobacco. He
+arrived back in about an hour with two tins worth each eight piastres.
+"Me quais?" he asked expectantly. "Well, you are pretty hot stuff,"
+I admitted, "but how did you do it?"
+
+Abdul held up one tin.
+
+"Me buy this one," he said solemnly; "this one" (holding up the other one)
+"got it!"
+
+"What do you mean, 'got it'?"
+
+"Jus' got it," was all the answer I could get. Then to crown the
+performance he produced two piastres change. Could the genii of the
+_Arabian Nights_ have done better?
+
+I was in that hospital for three months, and I verily believe that if it
+had not been for Abdul I should have been in three months more. He had his
+own way of doing things and people, but he modelled himself unconsciously
+on some personality half-way between FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE and _Fagin's_
+most promising pupil. The day I was to go he cleaned my tunic buttons and
+helmet badge with my tooth-brush and paste and brought them proudly to
+me for thanks. And I thanked him.
+
+The last I saw of Abdul was as I drove away in the ambulance. A pathetic
+figure in a white robe stood out on the balcony and mopped his eyes
+with his cotton cap, and as he took it off his head there fell to the
+ground half-a-dozen crushed cigarettes. It was a typical finale.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE DYSPEPTIC'S DILEMMA.
+
+    [_Mate_, an infusion of the prepared leaves of the _Ilex
+    paraguayensis_, or Brazilian holly, long familiar in South
+    America, is coming into fashion in London.]
+
+
+  In happy ante-bellum days,
+  To quote a memorable phrase,
+  "Whisky and beer, or even wine,
+  Were good enough for me"--and mine.
+
+  But now, in view of heightened taxes
+  And all that grim MCKENNA axes,
+  I have religiously tabooed
+  All alcohol--distilled or brewed.
+
+  But "minerals" are now expensive,
+  And, though the choice may be extensive,
+  I find them, as my strength is waning,
+  More effervescent than sustaining.
+
+  At cocoa's bland nutritious nibs
+  My palate obstinately jibs;
+  And coffee, when I like it best,
+  Plays utter havoc with my rest.
+
+  Tea is a tipple that I love
+  All non-intoxicants above;
+  But on its road to lip from cup
+  All sorts of obstacles crop up.
+
+  On patriotic grounds I curb
+  My preference for the Chinese herb,
+  But for eupeptic reasons think
+  The Indian leaf unsafe to drink.
+
+  Hence am I driven to essay
+  _Mate_, the "tea of Paraguay,"
+  As quaffed by the remote Brazilians,
+  Peruvians, Argentinians, Chilians.
+
+  My doctor, Parry Gorwick, who
+  Believes in this salubrious brew,
+  Has promised from its use renewal
+  Of my depleted vital fuel.
+
+  And so I'm bound to try it--still
+  I wasn't born in far Brazil,
+  And find it hard on leaves of holly
+  To grow exuberantly jolly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A New Reading.
+
+    "Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree, after first posing for screen purposes
+    in California, promises to produce his _Henry VIII._ in New York,
+    with himself as _Cardinal Richelieu_."
+
+                                                   _Munsey's Magazine._
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MR. BIRRELL IN THE DOCK."
+
+                                                 _Dublin Evening Mail._
+
+This is quite a mistake. He has only been in the nettles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The excitement in the Lobby yesterday was reminiscent of the
+    Irish crisis, Members remaining to discuss numberless humours
+    long after they had risen."
+
+                                          _Civil and Military Gazette._
+
+The correspondent who sends us the above extract suggests that the
+Members in question must have been Scotsmen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GETTING THE MASCOT ON PARADE.
+
+"COME ON!"
+
+"GEE UP!"
+
+"NOW, THEN--"
+
+"WE'LL BE LATE--"
+
+ENTER THE DECOY.
+
+WELL AWAY.
+
+(_Never could stand that dog._)
+
+ON PARADE AT LAST--JUST IN TIME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Kindly old Gentleman (distributing cigarettes to soldiers
+returning home on leave)._ "AND WHERE'S YOUR HOME, MY MAN?"
+
+_Scotsman._ "I COME FRA PAISLEY--BUT I CANNA HELP THAT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+BALLADE OF BOOKS FOR THE WOUNDED.
+
+
+  'Midst of the world and the world's despair,
+    A fair land lieth in all men's sight;
+  Ye that have breathed its witching air,
+    Remember the men who went to fight,
+    That have much need in their piteous plight
+      Its gates to gain and its ease to win.
+    The need is bitter, the gift is light;
+      Give them the key to enter in.
+
+  If ever ye crept bowed down with care
+    Thither, and lo! your fears took flight,
+  And the burden of life grew little to bear,
+    And hurts were healed and the way lay bright;
+    If ever ye watched through a wakeful night
+      Till the dawn should break and the dusk grow thin,
+    And a tale brought solace in pain's despite,
+      Give them the key to enter in.
+
+  Once they were stalwart, swift to dare;
+    Little could baulk them, naught affright;
+  Still are they staunch as then they were,
+    Strong to endure as once to smite.
+    Yet for awhile if so they might
+      They would forget the strife and din;
+    Shall they wait at a door shut tight?
+      Give them the key to enter in.
+
+
+ENVOI.
+
+  Friends, this haven is theirs by right;
+    They held it safe for you and your kin:
+  Hereby a little may ye requite--
+    Give them the key to enter in!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A Test of Valour.
+
+    "Mr. Mellish, a regular reader of the _Daily Mail_ for years, was
+    awarded the V.C. last month for conspicuous bravery."--_Daily
+    Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The lack of food is especially irritating to the people, because
+    Bulgaria is a great fool producing country."--_Daily Dispatch._
+
+Yet their irritation seems quite intelligent and sane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+How History is Written.
+
+    "The Prime Minister passed through Cardiff in a special train
+    this morning on his return from Ireland. The train stopped at the
+    station to change engines, but the right hon. gentleman was only
+    recognised by a few of those on the station."--_South Wales Echo._
+
+    "Mr. Asquith travelled _via_ Rosslare and Fishguard. It was
+    eight a.m. when he left the Pembrokeshire port and 10.25 when
+    the special train pulled up for a few moments at Cardiff. The
+    Prime Minister was then soundly asleep in a sleeping car."
+
+                                           _Evening Express (Cardiff)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INJURED INNOCENCE.
+
+THE GERMAN OGRE. "HEAVEN KNOWS THAT I HAD TO DO THIS IN SELF-DEFENCE; IT
+WAS FORCED UPON ME." (_Aside_) "FEE, FI, FO, FUM!"
+
+[According to the Imperial Chancellor's latest utterance Germany is the
+deeply-wronged victim of British militarism.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: PRESS THE BUTTON, AND UP COMES THE GENIE.]
+
+
+_Monday, May 22nd._--Mr. ASQUITH returned to his place to-day, looking
+all the better for his trip to Ireland. No one was more pleased to see
+him than Mr. TENNANT, who had been subjected all last week to a galling
+fire from the Nationalist snipers. Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY had been especially
+active, employing for the purpose a weapon of unique construction.
+Although discharged at the Treasury Bench, its most destructive effect
+is often produced on the Members who sit just behind him. Mr. DILLON is
+particularly uneasy when Mr. HEALY gets his gun out.
+
+When Mr. ACLAND moved the Vote for the Board of Agriculture there were
+barely two-score of Members present. He made a capital speech, full of
+attractive detail and delivered with unbucolic gusto, but did not succeed
+in greatly increasing the number of his audience.
+
+There was some excuse perhaps for the non-attendance of the Irish Members.
+They have an Agricultural Department of their own, presided over by an
+eminent temperance lecturer who teaches Irish farmers how to grow barley
+for the national beverage. But it might have been supposed that more
+Englishmen and Scotsmen would have torn themselves away from their other
+duties in the smoking-room or elsewhere to hear what the Government had
+to say about the shortage of labour in the fields.
+
+Mr. ACLAND puts his faith in women. If the farmers would only meet them
+half-way the situation would be saved. Mr. PROTHERO thought the farmers'
+wives would have something to say about that. They did not like "London
+minxes trapesing about our farmyard." From their point of view
+conscientious objectors would be a safer substitute.
+
+_Tuesday, May 23rd._--Over ten years have passed since Sir ALFRED
+HARMSWORTH became Baron NORTHCLIFFE, yet never until to-day, I believe,
+has he directly addressed his fellow-Peers, though it is understood
+that through other channels he has occasionally given them the benefit
+of his counsel.
+
+His speech was a sad disappointment to those trade-rivals who have not
+scrupled to attribute his silence to cowardice or incompetence. No
+justification for such insinuations was to be found in his speech
+to-day. He had something practical to say--on Lord MONTAGU's motion
+regarding the Air-Service--and said it so briefly and modestly as to
+throw doubt upon the theory that he personally dictates all those leaders
+in _The Times_ and _The Daily Mail_.
+
+Colonel HALL-WALKER took his seat to-day after a re-election necessitated
+by the transfer of his racing stud to the Government. Up to the present
+Ministers have found it a Greek gift. To-day they had to withstand a
+further attack upon their horse-racing proclivities by Lord CLAUD HAMILTON,
+who, notwithstanding that he is chairman of the railway that serves
+Newmarket, denounced with great fervour the continuance during the War of
+this "most extravagant, alluring and expensive form of public amusement."
+
+In introducing a Vote of Credit for 300 millions, making a total of
+L2,382,000,000 since August, 1914, the PRIME MINISTER said very little
+about the War, except that we were still confident in its triumphant
+issue. Any omission on his part was more than made good by Colonel
+CHURCHILL, who for an hour or more kept the House interested with his
+views on the proper employment of our Armies. Whenever he speaks at
+Westminster one is inclined to remark, "What a strategist!" whereas it
+is rumoured that his admiring comrades in the trenches used to murmur,
+"What a statesman!" One of his best points was that the War Office should
+use their men, not like a heap of shingle, but like pieces of mosaic, each
+in his right place. Colonel CHURCHILL's supporters are still not quite
+sure whether he has yet found his own exact place in the national jigsaw.
+
+_Wednesday, May 24th._--The House of Lords was well attended this
+afternoon, in the expectation of hearing Lord CURZON unfold the programme
+of the new Air Board. But it had to exercise a noble patience. Lord
+GALWAY gave an account of a trip in a Zeppelin; Lord BERESFORD (who,
+strange to say, is much better heard in the Lords than he was in the
+Commons) told how the Government were still awaiting from America a large
+consignment of aeroplanes which as soon as they were delivered would be
+"obsolete six months ago"; and Lord HALDANE (less impressive in mufti
+than when he wore the Lord Chancellor's wig) delivered once again his
+celebrated discourse on the importance of "thinking clearly."
+
+Lord CURZON at least did not seem to require the admonition, for his speech
+indicated that he had carefully considered the possibilities of the Air
+Board. He did not agree with Colonel CHURCHILL that its future would be
+one of harmless impotence or of first-class rows. At any rate the second
+alternative had been rendered less probable by the disappearance from the
+Government of his critic's own "vivid personality."
+
+Mr. ARTHUR PONSONBY and Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD have inadvertently done
+signal service to their country's cause. By raising--on Empire Day,
+too!--the question of peace, and urging the Government to initiate
+negotiations with Germany, they furnished Sir EDWARD GREY with an
+opportunity of dealing faithfully with the recent insidious manoeuvres
+of Herr VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. The only terms of peace that the German
+Government had ever put forward were terms of victory for Germany, and
+we could not reason with the German people so long as they were fed with
+lies. The FOREIGN SECRETARY spoke without a note, and carried away the
+House by his spontaneous indignation. The House had previously passed the
+Lords' amendments, strengthening the Military Service Bill. Altogether
+it was a bad day for the pro-Bosches.
+
+_Thursday, May 25th._--There was a big attendance in the House of Commons
+to hear Mr. ASQUITH unfold his new plan for the regeneration of Ireland.
+In the Peers' Gallery were Lord WIMBORNE, still in a state of suspended
+animation; Lord MACDONNELL, wondering whether Mr. ASQUITH would
+succeed where he and Mr. WYNDHAM failed; and Lord BRYCE, ex-Chief
+Secretary, to whom the Sinn Feiners are indebted for the repeal of the
+Arms Act. On the benches below were the leaders of all the Irish groups,
+including Mr. GINNELL. Even Mr. BIRRELL crept in unobtrusively to learn
+how his chief had solved in nine days the problem that had baffled him
+for as many years. An Irish debate on the old heroic scale was looked upon
+as a certainty.
+
+In half-an-hour all was over. The PRIME MINISTER had no panacea of his
+own to prescribe. All he could say was that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE had been
+deputed by the Cabinet to confer with the various Irish leaders, and that
+he hoped the House would assist the negotiations by deferring debate on
+the Irish situation.
+
+His selection of a peacemaker is generally approved. If anyone knows
+how to handle high explosives without causing a premature concussion, or
+to unite heterogeneous materials by electrical welding, or to utilise
+a high temperature in dealing with refractory ores it should be the
+MINISTER OF MUNITIONS. Everybody wishes him success in his new _role_ of
+Harmonious Blacksmith.
+
+Nevertheless some little disappointment was felt by those who had hoped
+for a prompter solution. As an Irish Member expressed it, "This has been
+the dickens of a day. We began with 'Great Expectations' and ended with
+'Our Mutual Friend.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I'VE SEEN IT--'TAIN'T NO GOOD."
+
+"'E GETS 'UNG, DON'T 'E?"
+
+"YUS, BUT THEY DON'T SHOW YER THAT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Policeman's Friend.
+
+    "Cook wanted, used to coppers."--_Daily Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+A CONVENIENT CONSCIENCE.
+
+
+"I'm sorry to disturb you, Theodore," began Mrs. Plapp, opening the door
+of her husband's study, "but I've just been listening at the top of the
+kitchen stairs, and from what I overheard I'm certain that girl Louisa
+is having supper down there with a soldier!"
+
+"Dear, dear!" exclaimed Mr. Plapp; "I can't possibly permit any
+encouragement of militarism under _my_ roof. Just when I'm appealing to
+be exempted from even non-combatant service, too! Go down and tell her
+she must get rid of him at once."
+
+"Couldn't _you_, Theodore?"
+
+"If I did, my love, he would probably refuse to go unless I put him out
+by force, which, as you are aware, is entirely contrary to my principles."
+
+"I was forgetting for the moment, Theodore. Never mind; I'll go myself."
+
+She had not been long gone before a burly stranger entered unceremoniously
+by the study window. "'Scuse me, guv'nor," he said, "but ain't you the
+party whose name I read in the paper--'im what swore 'e wouldn' lift
+'is finger not to save 'is own mother from a 'Un?"
+
+"I am," replied Mr. Plapp complacently. "I disbelieve in meeting violence
+_by_ violence."
+
+"Ah, if there was more blokes like _you_, Guv'nor, this world 'ud be a
+better plice, for some on us. Blagg, _my_ name is. Us perfeshnals ain't
+bin very busy doorin' this War, feelin' it wasn't the square thing,
+like, to break into 'omes as might 'ave members away fightin' fer our
+rights and property. But I reckon I ain't doin' nothink unpatriotic in
+comin' _'ere_. So jest you show me where you keeps yer silver."
+
+"The little we possess," said Mr. Plapp, rising, "is on the sideboard
+in the dining-room. If you will excuse me for a moment I'll go in and
+get it for you."
+
+"And lock me in 'ere while you ring up the slops!" retorted
+Mr. Blagg. "You don't go in not without _me_, you don't; and, unless
+you want a bullet through yer 'ed, you'd better make no noise neither!"
+
+No one could possibly have made less noise than Mr. Theodore Plapp,
+as, with the muzzle of his visitor's revolver pressed between his
+shoulder-blades, he hospitably led the way to the dining-room. There
+Mr. Blagg, with his back to the open door, superintended the packing of
+the plate in a bag he had brought for the purpose.
+
+"And now," said Mr. Plapp, as he put in the final fork, "there is
+nothing to detain you here any longer, unless I may offer you a glass
+of barley-water and a plasmon biscuit before you go?"
+
+Mr. Blagg consigned these refreshments to a region where the former
+at least might be more appreciated. "You kerry that bag inter the
+drorin'-room, will yer?" he said. "There may be one or two articles
+in there to take my fancy. 'Ere! 'Old 'ard!" he broke off suddenly,
+"What the blankety blank are you a-doin' of?"
+
+This apostrophe was addressed, however, not to his host, who was doing
+nothing whatever, but to the unseen owner of a pair of khaki-clad arms
+which had just pinioned him from behind. During the rough-and-tumble
+conflict that followed Mr. Plapp discreetly left the room, returning
+after a brief absence to find the soldier kneeling on Mr. Blagg's chest.
+
+"Good!" he said encouragingly; "you won't have to keep him down long.
+Help is at hand."
+
+"Why don't you _give_ it me, then?" said the soldier, on whom the strain
+was evidently beginning to tell.
+
+"Because, my friend," explained Mr. Plapp, "if I did I should be acting
+against my conscience."
+
+"You _'ear_ 'im, matey?" panted Mr. Blagg. "'E's _agin_ you, 'e is. Agin
+all military-ism. So why the blinkin' blazes do _you_ come buttin' in to
+defend them as don't approve o' bein' defended?"
+
+"Blowed if _I_ know!" was the reply. "'Abit, I expect. Lay still, will
+you?" But Mr. Blagg, being exceptionally muscular, struggled with such
+violence that the issue seemed very doubtful indeed till Louisa rushed
+in to the rescue and, disregarding her employer's protests, succeeded
+in getting hold of the revolver.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"It was lucky for you," remarked Mr. Plapp, after Mr. Blagg had been
+forcibly removed by a couple of constables, "that I had the presence
+of mind to telephone to the police station. I really thought once or
+twice that that dreadful man would have got the better of you."
+
+"And no thanks to _you_ if he didn't," grunted the soldier. "I notice
+that, if your conscience goes against lighting yourself, it don't object
+to calling in others to fight for you."
+
+"As a citizen," Mr. Plapp replied, "I have a legal right to police
+protection. Your own intervention, though I admit it was timely, was
+uninvited by me, and, indeed, I consider your presence here requires
+some explanation."
+
+"I'd come up to tell you, as I told your good lady 'ere, that me and
+Louisa got married this morning, as I was home on six days' furlough
+from the Front. And she'll be leaving with me this very night."
+
+"But only for the er--honeymoon, I trust?" cried Mr. Plapp, naturally
+dismayed at the prospect of losing so faithful and competent a
+maid-of-all-work altogether. "Although I cannot approve of this marriage,
+I am willing, under the circumstances, to overlook it and allow her to
+remain in my service."
+
+"Remain!" said Louisa's husband, in a tone Mr. Plapp thought most uncalled
+for. "Why, I should never 'ave another 'appy moment in the trenches if I
+left her _'ere_, with no one to protect her but a thing like _you_! No,
+she's going to be in the care of someone I can _depend_ on--my old aunt!"
+
+"I don't like losing Louisa," murmured Mrs. Plapp, so softly that her
+husband failed to catch her remark, "but--I think you're wise."
+
+                                                                  F. A.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Slacker (to second ditto)._ "WELL, NO ONE CAN SAY
+WE'RE NOT PATRIOTS.  WE'RE NOT KEEPING ABLE-BODIED CADDIES FROM JOINING
+THE ARMY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Dangerous Quest.
+
+    "Lost, at Bestwood, Saturday, Irish Terrier Dog, finder rewarded,
+    dead or alive."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant._ "'ERE, WHAT ARE YOU FALLING OUT FOR?"
+
+_Excited Cockney._ "SEE THAT PIGEON? I'LL SWEAR 'E'S GOT A MESSAGE
+ON 'IM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+SCREEN INFLUENCES.
+
+
+The plea, "I saw it at the Cinema," may be offered by others than those
+of tender years in excuse for vagaries of conduct.
+
+Only the other day a young officer, wearing his Sam Browne equipment
+the wrong way round and carrying his sword under his left arm, was
+seen at King's Cross bidding farewell to his fiancee. As the train
+moved out he drew his sword, threw the scabbard away, and, standing
+stiffly to attention, saluted the fair lady. On being questioned by
+the authorities he said he was not aware that his conduct was unusual,
+as he had often seen that kind of thing done at the Cinema.
+
+In view of the popularity of the Cinema to-day, habitues of our more
+palatial restaurants cannot be surprised at the growing custom among
+men about town of wearing the napkin tucked deeply in at the neck,
+cutting up all their food at one time, and conveying it afterwards to
+the mouth with the fork grasped in the right hand.
+
+The following incident will show that the Cinema excuse is made to serve
+in other lands also. A simple Saxon soldier, in a moment of remembrance,
+stooped to pat the rosy cheek of a small Belgian child, then lifted the
+little one up and kissed him and kissed him again. A young officer
+caught him in the act. "What do you mean, you dog, by treating the
+brat so?" roared the lieutenant, who would have struck the man had not
+his companion, an older officer, restrained him. Together they waited
+for the fellow's explanation. "When I was on leave," said the soldier,
+"I--I saw Prussian soldiers treating little Belgian children like that--at
+the Cinema."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"The Elements so mixed" again.
+
+    "Of two evils always choose the lesser, and on the whole we
+    think we might fall from the frying-pan into the fire if we
+    swopped horses whilst crossing the stream."--_Financial Critic._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Is the German Chancellor alone to be allowed to scatter broadcast
+    his falsifications of history?"--_Daily Telegraph._
+
+Oh, no! Some Members of the House of Commons have recently given him
+valuable assistance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "How an Irish colleen travelled free from Ireland to London was
+    explained at the Willesden Police Court yesterday, when she was
+    charged with not paying her face."
+
+                                                        _Daily Sketch._
+
+Rather ungrateful of her, after travelling on it so far.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+XV.--BILLINGSGATE.
+
+  "Trot, mare, trot, or I'll be late,
+  And Billing will have locked his Gate.
+
+        "Mister Billing,
+        Are you willing
+    To open your Gate to me?"
+        "Yes!" says Billing,
+        "Give me a shilling
+    And I will fetch the key."
+
+        "Mister Billing,
+        I haven't a shilling,
+    I'll give you a button of horn."
+        "No!" says Billing,
+        "I'm unwilling,
+    A button will buy no corn."
+
+  "Take it or leave it, but I can't wait--
+  Jump, mare, jump over Billing's Gate!"
+
+
+XVI.--LIMEHOUSE AND POPLAR.
+
+  I planted a limestone once upon a time,
+  And up came a little wee House of Lime.
+
+  I planted a seed by the corner of the wall,
+  And up came a Poplar ninety feet tall.
+
+  I settled down for life, as happy as could be,
+  In my little wee Lime-House by my big Poplar-Tree.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
+
+
+Late October and a grey morning tinging to gold through the warming
+mist. A large comfortable dining-room smelling faintly of chrysanthemums
+and more strongly of coffee and breakfast dishes. In the hearth a great
+fire, throwing its flames about as with joy of life. The table-cloth,
+the silver, the dishes, the carpet on the floor, the side-board, the
+pictures, the wall-paper told of wealth and ease, the fruits of peace,
+and the arrangement of these things told of the good taste which is so
+essentially the fruit of long peace.
+
+The room was empty, and the first to enter it that morning was the Mother.
+She was a tall imposing woman, and her bearing and her little mannerisms
+were of the kind that the latter-day novelists have delighted to use
+as matter for their irony. It was the Boy's birthday--his eighteenth
+birthday, the first he had spent at home since he had been going to
+his preparatory and his public school. So she departed from the usual
+routine to place by the side of his napkin the neat little parcels she
+had brought down with her. Two of them were from her other sons fighting
+in France. They were a very affectionate and united family--father and
+mother and the three sons.
+
+After that she went to her husband's end of the table and looked through
+the heap of letters placed there as usual by the admirable butler. It
+was understood of old that she opened no letters but those addressed
+to her, not even the letters from the fighting sons when they happened
+to write to their father instead of to her.
+
+This time, however, her eye caught at once, between the edges of the
+others, an official envelope and, lower yet, another. She became rigid
+and stood for a minute by the table, her mind running vaguely into
+endless depths. Then she put her hand out and picked the envelopes from
+the heap and saw that her fears might not be groundless. But they were
+addressed to her husband, and at that moment she heard his tread and
+his slight cough as he came slowly down the stairs. Hastily she pushed
+them back among the others and went to her place. When he came into
+the room she was busy with the urn.
+
+As usual he was just putting his handkerchief back; as usual he looked
+out of the window, then walked over to the fire and warmed his hands
+automatically. All this business of coming down to breakfast had been
+to him for so many years a leisurely pleasant business in a world free
+from serious worries, that even the War, with its terrible disturbances,
+with its breaking up of the family circle, had not succeeded in altering
+his habits. Everything waited for him--for he was not unpunctual--the
+letters, the newspaper and the breakfast. But this day was the Boy's
+birthday and the Father took from his pocket an envelope and placed it
+with a smile by the side of the little parcels.
+
+Would he never look at his letters? The Mother was on the point of
+speaking, but long habit, the old habit of obedience to her lord,
+restrained her. Even now, when she was cold with anxiety, those old
+concealed forces of habit restrained her. Might she not offend him?
+
+The Father sat down, put on his glasses and began to look at the pile by
+his side. She noticed the slight start he gave and her eyes met his as
+he looked up suddenly at her. Deliberately braving Fate, he put those
+two envelopes aside. It was evident that he meant to read through all
+the others first, but he was not so strong as he thought. His fingers
+went again to the official envelopes and he took up the letter-opener
+placed ready for his use by the admirable butler and slit along the
+top of one envelope and took the thin paper from it and read.
+
+His head drooped a little, and the Mother came round to his side. Then
+he opened the other and suddenly sat very still, with his great strong
+fine hand open on the paper, gazing straight in front of him. His wife
+bent over him and tried to speak, but her voice had died to a whisper,
+a hoarse straining sound.
+
+"Dead?" she said at last.
+
+Her husband dropped his head in affirmation.
+
+"Which?"
+
+He did not answer and the Mother understood. "Oh, Harry, not _both_?"
+
+Again his head drooped and he fumbled for the papers and gave them to
+her, and as he did so a tear rolled suddenly down his cheek and splashed
+on a spoon. It seemed to be a sign to him, he felt his courage giving
+way and visibly pulled himself together. Then he turned to take the
+Mother's hand, rising from his seat. They stood a little while thus,
+the Mother looking away, as he had done, into unfathomable distances
+of time and space. Then she too pulled herself together and went to her
+place at the other end of the table. They heard steps on the staircase,
+a voice singing. The door opened and the Boy came in late and expecting
+a comment from his father, His eyes travelled to the parcels beside his
+plate, then he felt the silence and saw the strained expressions of his
+mother and father and lastly the official papers. He came forward and
+spoke bravely.
+
+"Bad news, Dad?"
+
+There was no answer. He had not expected one, for he read the truth on
+the face that had never lied. He stood very still for a brief moment, his
+head up--characteristically--his face a little pale. Both brothers! Then
+he breathed deeply and turned to his father in expectation. The latter
+knew what was wanted.
+
+"You are eighteen to-day, Boy. You may apply for your commission."
+
+There was a cry, quickly stifled, from the Mother, and the Boy said very
+quietly, "Thank you, Dad; of course I must go now." Then he went to his
+mother and kissed her and was not ashamed to cry.
+
+It was his father who broke the silence.
+
+"May God grant you many returns, many happy returns of the day!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE SORROWS OF WILSON.
+
+(_With humble apologies to THACKERAY._)
+
+  WILSON had a love for Charlotte
+    That impelled him to address her
+  (Charlotte was a town, and WILSON
+    Was a famous ex-Professor).
+
+  So upon the War in Europe
+    He delivered an oration,
+  Darkly hinting at the problems
+    Calling for elucidation.
+
+  As reported in the papers,
+    He discussed the situation
+  With Olympian detachment
+    And conspicuous moderation.
+
+  But the wireless WOLFF discovered
+    In his words a declaration
+  Of his laudable intention
+    To proceed to mediation.
+
+  Thus the speech, which cost good WILSON
+    Many hours of toil and trouble,
+  From a sober cautious statement
+    Turned into a Berlin bubble.
+
+  Charlotte, having heard the lecture,
+    Ignorant of what was brewing,
+  Like a well-conducted city
+    Went on innocently chewing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The water in the South-West Norfolk Fens has now subsided about
+    6 in. Two 6 ft. openings have been cut in the river bank near
+    the Southery engine to let the water flow into the river. Two
+    temporary slackers have been put in the openings, so that they
+    can be closed when the tide is higher in the river."
+
+                                                    _Provincial Paper._
+
+They might just as well have been put into the trenches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Orderly Officer._ "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITHOUT YOUR RIFLE,
+SENTRY?"
+
+_Tommy._ "BEG PARDON, SIR, BUT I AIN'T THE SENTRY."
+
+_Orderly Officer._ "WHO ARE YOU, THEN, AND WHERE IS THE SENTRY?"
+
+_Tommy._ "OH, 'E'S INSIDE OUT OF THE RAIN. _I'M_ ONE OF THE PRISONERS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+
+Herr HERMANN FERNAU's _Because I am a German_ (CONSTABLE) is a sort of
+postscript to the widely-outside-Germany-circulated _J'accuse!_, that
+vigorous indictment by an anonymous German of the Prussian clique as
+the criminal authors of the War. Herr FERNAU summarises the argument of
+_J'accuse!_ and if anyone cares to have at his finger-tips the essential
+case against the enemy he could not do better than absorb the six pages in
+which twenty-four questions put by the anonymous author to the directors
+of his unhappy country's destiny are most skilfully compressed. Four
+attempted German answers are shown by our author to have in common an
+amazing reluctance to deal with any single definite point at issue;
+and a most unjudicial appeal to popular hatred of the traitor critic. Of
+course it is a cheap line to welcome as a miracle of wisdom every German
+who takes a pro-Ally view. But I honestly detect no shadow of pro-Ally
+bias in this book, and it is certainly no tirade against Germany. What
+bias there is is that of the extreme republican against his autocratic
+government. "I have read," says Herr FERNAU in effect, "this perfectly
+serious and definite indictment lucidly drawn in legal form. I hope as a
+German (not afraid to sign my name) there is an answer. But whereas the
+Entente Powers have supported their official case by documentary evidence
+we are asked to accept mere asseveration in the case of Germany. That
+is the less allowable as the obvious (though not necessarily the true)
+reading of the facts is against her. Silence and vigorous suppression
+of the indictment look rather like signs of guilt." Yes, emphatically
+a book for members of the Independent Labour Party.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Beatrice Lovelace_ belonged to a family that had come down in the world,
+and were now Reduced County. So far reduced, indeed, that _Beatrice_
+lived with her cross aunt _Anastasia_ and one little maid-of-all-work
+in a tiny house in a very dull suburb, where the aunt would not allow
+her to be friends with the neighbours. However, one fine day two
+things happened. _Beatrice_ got to know the young man next door, and
+the little servant (whose name, by a silly coincidence which vexed
+me, happened to be _Million_) was left a million dollars. So, as the
+house was already uncomfortable by reason of a row about the young man,
+_Beatrice_ determined to shake the suburban dust from her shapely feet
+and take service as maid to her ex-domestic. That is why the story of
+it is called _Miss Million's Maid_ (HUTCHINSON). An excellent story, too,
+told with great verve by Mrs. OLIVER ONIONS. I could never attempt to
+detail the complicated adventures to which their fantastic situation
+exposes _Beatrice_ and _Million_. Of course they have each a lover; indeed,
+the supply of suitors is soon in excess of the demand. Also there is an
+apparent abduction of the heiress (which turns out to be no abduction at
+all, but a very pleasant and kindly episode, which I won't spoil for you),
+and a complicated affair of a stolen ruby that brings both heroines into
+the dock. It is all great fun and as unreal as a fairy-tale. For which
+reason may I suggest that it was an error to date it 1914? Such nonsensical
+and dream-like imaginings are so happily out of key with the world-tragedy
+that its introduction strikes a note of discord.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have just finished reading a distinguished book, _One of Our
+Grandmothers_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL), by ETHEL COLBURN MAYNE--a book full of a
+delicate insight and very shrewd characterisation. It probes to the heart
+of the mystery of girlhood--Irish girlhood in this case. I certainly
+think that _Millicent_, who was a sort of prig, yet splendidly alive,
+with her gift of music (which, contrary to custom in these matters,
+the author makes you really believe in), her temperament, her temper
+and her limitless demands on life, would have given young _Maryon_,
+of the Royal Irish Constabulary, a trying time of it; but it would
+have been worth it. That, by the way, was _Jerry's_ opinion, common,
+horsey, true-hearted, clean-minded little _Jerry_, who was the father
+of _Millicent's_ coarse and something cruel stepmother. I have rarely
+read a more fragrant chapter than that in which this queer, sensitive,
+loyal little man tries to cut away the girl's ignorance while healing
+the hurt that a rougher hand (a woman's), making the same attempt, had
+caused. Perhaps Miss _Mayne_ was really trying to trace to its source
+the stream of modern feminism. She is a rare explorer and cartographer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A Rich Man's Table_ (MILLS AND BOON) is one of those stories that I find
+slightly irritating, because they appear to lead nowhere. Perhaps this
+attitude is unreasonable, and mere fiction should be all that I have
+a right to look for. But in that case I confess to wishing a little
+more body to it. Miss ELLA MACMAHON's latest novel is somehow a little
+flat; not even the splintered infinitive on the first page could impart any
+real snap to it. The rich man was Mr. _Bentley Broke_, a pompous person,
+who had one child, a son of literary leanings named _Otho_. Perhaps
+I was intended to sympathise with _Otho_. It looked like it at first;
+but later, when he left home and married, without paternal blessing, the
+daughter of his father's great rival, he developed into such a fool--and
+objectionable at that--that I became uncertain on the matter. Especially
+as the pompous parent, lacking nerve to carry out a matrimonial venture
+on his own account, relented and behaved quite decently to the rebellious
+pair. So the rich man's table would have, as all tables should, more than
+one pair of legs under it again. Nothing very fresh or thrilling in all
+this, you may observe. But the characters, for what they are, live, and
+are drawn briskly enough. And there is some skill in the contrast between
+a dinner of herbs in Fulham, and a stalled ox, with fatted calf, at the
+rich man's table in Portman Square. Perhaps this is the point of the story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+So often have I read and admired the novels of "M. E. FRANCIS" that to
+praise her work has become a habit which it irks me to break. But I am
+now bound to say that _Penton's Captain_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) has not added
+to my debt. And the cause of the trouble--as of so many other troubles--is
+the War. In her own line Mrs. _Blundell_ is inimitable, but here she is
+just one of a hundred or a thousand whose fiction seems trivial beside the
+facts of life and death. Apart from this defect, her story is absolutely
+without offence, a simple tale of love and misunderstandings and war and
+heroism, and the curtain falls upon a scene of complete happiness. Her
+only fault is that she has been tempted, excusably enough in these days
+of upheaval, to wander from her element, and I am looking forward to the
+day when she returns to it and I can again thank her with the old zest
+and sincerity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As a painstaking study of lower middle-class life _The Progress of Kay_
+(CONSTABLE) is to be remarked and remembered. That is not, however, to say
+that it is exciting, for _Kay's_ progress consisted so much in just
+getting older that I suspect Mr. G. W. BULLETT's title to be ironical. As
+a child _Kay_ had some imagination and a sense of mischief; as an adult
+he would have been all the better for a little military training, and
+there is no disguising the fact that as a married man and a father he
+was a dreary creature. I can well believe, from the air of truth which
+these pages wear, that there are plenty of _Kays_ in the world to-day;
+and to confess that I was not greatly intrigued by this particular sample
+when he grew to man's estate is in its way a compliment to his creator. For
+however much you may like or dislike the mark at which Mr. BULLETT has
+aimed there is no doubt that he has hit it. Villadom, by his art, takes
+on a revived significance, and _Kay's_ career encourages reflection
+touched by a vague sadness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FALSE ECONOMY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Tale for the Horse-Marines.
+
+                                                     "_London, Sunday._
+
+    "While a British submarine was rescuing the Zeppelin crew in the
+    North Sea, a German cruiser fired at it.
+
+    "The Cavalry from Salonika are pursuing the remainder of the
+    Zeppelin crew."--_Egyptian Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LONDON STOCKS.
+
+REVIVAL IN GUILT-EDGED SECURITIES."
+
+                                        _Manchester Evening Chronicle._
+
+Now we hope our contemporary will coin an equally felicitous description
+for the pillory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Hughes, the Australian Prime Minister, was carried
+    triumphantly round camp last night after he had addressed nearly
+    two thousand Anzacs on parade. Mr. Hughes was accompanied by
+    Mrs. Hughes, Mr. Fisher, High Commissioner, and Mrs. Fisher.
+    Brigadier-General Sir Newton Moore, Commander-in-Chief of the
+    Australian Forces in England, was also present with Lady Moore."
+
+                                                       _Morning Paper._
+
+It is regrettable that General and Lady MOORE could not share the honours,
+but probably the chair was constructed to carry four only.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol.
+150, May 31, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+***** This file should be named 36995.txt or 36995.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/9/9/36995/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, David Garcia and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/36995.zip b/36995.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..979751d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36995.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7748536
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #36995 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/36995)