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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/36615-8.txt b/36615-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ab73442 --- /dev/null +++ b/36615-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9819 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer, by Richard Clynton + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer + A Page of Past History for the Use of the Children of To-day + +Author: Richard Clynton + +Release Date: July 4, 2011 [EBook #36615] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIFE OF A CELEBRATED BUCCANEER *** + + + + +Produced by Charlene Taylor, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + THE LIFE OF A CELEBRATED BUCCANEER + + _A PAGE OF PAST HISTORY FOR THE USE OF THE CHILDREN OF TO-DAY_ + + BY RICHARD CLYNTON + + + LONDON + SWAN SONNENSCHEIN & CO. + PATERNOSTER SQUARE. + + 1889 + + + + +LIFE OF A CELEBRATED BUCCANEER. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + +Once upon a time there lived on an island, separated from the main land +of Europe by a silver streak of the ocean, a celebrated Buccaneer. + +There was a rugged grandeur about the rock-bound coast of this island, +with its bluff, bold headlands and beetling cliffs, where the sea birds +loved to make their nests high up above the spray; mingling their cries +with the voice of the ocean as it rushed into its wide and deep throated +caverns. The waves, too, worked ever, and for ever, a broad fretwork +collar round these rocky shores. Unlucky was the ship that found this +island on her lee in a gale of wind. Many a child had been made +fatherless there, and many a wife a widow. But to those who knew how to +thread their way through the many channels, numerous bays, creeks, and +rivers, offered a safe retreat either from the storm or from an enemy. + +This island was a fit home for one following the profession of a +Buccaneer. Its natural advantages were extremely great; for not only was +it difficult of access, but its innumerable big throated caverns opened +their wide jaws ready to receive anything that floated in from the +ocean. However, this bold pirate did such a good business, that in a +short time these caves became too small, so he had to build wharves and +warehouses to hold his plunder; for he lived in such an age, and was +surrounded by such unprincipled people, that he could not leave his +things lying about on the shore. Besides which, the climate was not +good, being frequently visited by fogs, gales of wind, and very heavy +rains. + +Soon villages rose up; then towns, which in their turn grew into great +cities, the principal of which were generally planted by the side of +some one of his many rivers. Soon the bays and rivers became crowded +with ships, and the shores were busy scenes of industry. Cargoes were +being landed. Sails were being made and repaired; ropes overhauled and +restranded, and the smell of the pitch caldrons rose up and mingled with +the salt air blown in fresh from the sea. Shipwrights' hammers resounded +along the shores, and were echoed back by the beetling cliffs. While the +men worked, the women sang, and the chubby-faced, fair-haired children +played about on the beach. + +To those who ask how our bold Buccaneer acquired most of his property, +it must be answered that it came to him in a manner usual in those +times. Everybody laid their hands upon what they could, and then devoted +all their spare time and energy to the keeping of it. Title deeds were +for the most part written in blood, with a sharp-pointed one-nibbed +steel pen. When we live in Rome we must do as the Romans do, and we must +not set up to be better than our neighbours, that is, if we wish to +prosper, and when all the world is going in for universal plunder it +does not pay to stand on one side, with hands idle, arms folded, and +eyes upturned to heaven, saying that people are wicked. Needs must when +the devil drives. + +It has been a time-honoured custom to rob and kill, so that riches may +be laid up; then it becomes the duty of all to watch lest the thief +breaks through and steals. This primitive method of doing business is +now justly condemned, and all nations pay at least a tribute to virtue, +by flinging a cloth over any shady action. But nations even now have to +maintain their dignity. Insults have to be resented, and ambitious +designs have to be frustrated. Battles are fought, and people are +slaughtered, and some one, as the saying is, has to pay the piper. + +It would almost seem, by a contemplation of things in general, that man +by nature is a robber, the action changing its colour according to the +atmosphere that people have to live in. In barbarous ages the act of +plunder is done openly, and a fellow-creature is sent about his +business, either with a broken head or with a spear through his body, +and there is an end to him, and perhaps the world is not much the +poorer. That honesty is the best policy is, by experience, forced upon +us; but even now, in our most enlightened age, the individual will at +times adulterate his liquor, sand his sugar, and sell short weight, +though he may try to sanctify the deed by saying his prayers before and +after; thus adding somewhat to the general stock of humbugs, hypocrites, +and Pharisees. But to our story. + +It was a noble sight to see this bold Buccaneer getting under weigh with +his fleet of ships. Clack, clack went the windlasses, and his brave lads +could be heard singing as they lifted their anchors a peak-- + + Merrily round our capstans go + As we heave in the slack of our chain, + Into our sails the north winds blow + As we bear away from the main. + Yo ho, my lads, heave ho! + +Home went the sheets. Up went the yards, and the sails bellied out to +the wind. On the shores crowded the women and children. The little ones +with shock heads of curly hair, the sport of the breeze, crying after +their fathers, holding up their tearful little faces for the sea-breeze +to kiss. The wives wishing their brave lads a prosperous voyage, and a +safe return, with plenty of plunder. Silks and spices from the East, and +gold and silver from the West, or wherever they could find it. Away went +the ships, with their white canvas spread like the wings of a seagull. +Soon the hulls were down, and the white specks, after lingering for a +while upon the far-off horizon, sank beneath and vanished. Then sending +a sigh after their mates on the wings of the north wind, the women +returned to their homes and sang their young sea whelps to sleep, with +lullabies tuned to the daring deeds of their fathers. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +Things in this world do not remain shady long. Time works wonders and +throws the halo of romance over the darkest deeds. See what time and +romance have done for William Tell. Look at your Alexander and your +Frederick; are not they both called great? Ah! these two were conquerors +not plunderers; and there lies the difference, though perhaps Maria +Theresa and one or two others might have had something to say against +one of these fine fellows. Then there is Robin Hood. Have not time and +romance completely changed the aspect of that, at one time, bold and +notorious outlaw? For over fifty years did this jolly robber enjoy +himself upon other people's property. Look too at the numerous other +gentlemen of the road; your crusaders and adventurers in early times. +What were the hardy Norsemen, of whom we love to sing? There is +something very attractive about your robber, no matter whether he +carries on his profession by sea or land, the only thing needful being, +to study him at a distance, and through the halo of this said romance. +If it were not for the world's great robbers what would historians have +to record; what would poets have to sing about? If they had to confine +themselves to the virtuous actions, to the good that is done, their +occupation would be gone. The chronicling of small beer is a waste of +labour. + +But there comes a time when the very worst of sinners are troubled by +that mysterious part of the human economy known by the name of +conscience. This conscience is at times a veritable tyrant, saying what +we shall eat, what we shall drink, and what we shall do. To the many the +matter is not one of difficulty. If they have to make their way in the +world, conscience is either thrown overboard, or put under hatches until +such times as it is wanted. Then it comes up all the fresher for its +temporary retirement, and is, generally speaking, very exacting. + +The disposition to repent of the evil we have done is not confined +either to age, time, or sex happily. The call comes perhaps, more often, +and earlier, to women than it does to men. Jezebel was not altogether as +good as she ought to have been, but even she might have turned over a +new leaf, and have become a most respectable saint, had not misfortune +thrown her across the path of that impetuous fellow Jehu, with the +result that she was, as every one knows, thrown out of a window. Had +Jezebel lived in the Buccaneer island in his later days, and had she +been young and beautiful, and the paint not too thick upon her face, she +might have been tried for some small act of indiscretion, such for +instance as that trifling incident about Naboth; but probably she would +have been acquitted, when no doubt she would have left the court without +a stain upon her character, and would have been an object of sympathy +ever after. This lady has left a numerous family of daughters behind +her, many of whom, however, turn over new leaves, and having been +considerable sinners, become the most straight-laced, unpitying, and +uncharitable of sour-faced saints. Poor Jezebel the first was never +given a chance. She lived too soon. + +But to the point. The time came when our bold Buccaneer received, as the +saying is, his call, and it was brought about in the following manner. +In early times when saints walked about the earth calling sinners to +repentance, one found his way over to the Buccaneer's island, induced to +go there, not by the hope of any worldly gain in the shape of church +preferment or salary; and here lies much of the difference between a +modern saint and an ancient one. But the one, of whom we wish now +particularly to speak, was impelled by the hope of snatching this +burning brand from the devil's fire. Some of the Buccaneer's neighbours +had tried to convert him before this, by means of the sword, but without +effect, for the pirate's nest was a hard one to take, and the eggs burnt +the fingers of all those who attempted to touch them. + +The precise spot where the saint landed is open to doubt; so is the +exact time and the method of his transit. Some declared that he came +over on a broomstick. Others again, said he used the ordinary means of +conveyance, and this is the most worthy of credence. About saints there +is generally something that is legendary. He preached his gospel to the +Buccaneer, and told him in the plainest language that he was going to +the devil, about whose dominion he drew such a glowing account that the +Buccaneer was moved. + +He repented, and determined to turn over that wonderful leaf, that the +world is for ever hearing so much about, and seeing so little of. To +show his earnestness, the Buccaneer built churches and endowed them, and +not unfrequently out of the money that he took from other people. This +was but right. Belfries rose up in every nook and corner, and their iron +tongues could be constantly heard calling all pious buccaneers to +prayer. + +But that befell the saint which sooner or later must happen to us all. +He died, but left behind him a book, which he told the Buccaneer was to +be his rule in life, for between its covers there lay the seed of all +that was good, and the gentle spirit of one, who though dead would live +for ever. The precious gift was handed over to the safe custody of the +Buccaneer's church, and the old saint with much sorrow and ceremony was +laid in his narrow cell, to await there the sound of the last trump. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + +The days of mourning were barely over when difficulties arose. The faith +left behind by the old saint was extremely good, and even beautiful, but +it was not at all adapted to one who occasionally robbed a neighbour's +hen-roost. Indeed, it was not at all fitted for one who followed the +profession of a bold Buccaneer. It was a trifle hard to sell all that he +had and give it to the poor, who might be a lazy lot of skulking +rascals. Then who could expect to get on in this world, if, when one +cheek was struck he turned the other? Beautiful, yes, but not practical. +If our fighting Buccaneer did this sort of thing, every daw from the +mainland would invade the nest of the eagle, and peck him to death, and +suck his eggs. + +Then the command not to lay up riches upon earth; and to live in peace +and charity with all men. This was all very well, but then when you are +surrounded by a lot of people, who will not live up to these fine +sentiments, what is a poor fellow to do? + +The Buccaneer had a coxswain, who was his right-hand man, and whose name +was Jack Commonsense. He took him into his confidence. Old Jack +scratched his head, which was a sure sign that he was in trouble, and he +told his master that he did not see any way out of the difficulty, for, +if they sailed by the instruction as laid down in the Book the saint had +left behind, they had better give up the buccaneering business at once, +and try something else. The end of the matter was, that it was handed +over to the Buccaneer's Church to settle, for, as he said in his quaint +sea-faring language, it's no use keeping a dog if you have to bark +yourself. To his clergy he deputed the by no means easy task of shaping +a course in accordance with his book, the Bible, and at the same time +not altogether antagonistic to his worldly interests. In fact, some kind +of a compromise had to be made. + +Obedient to the command of their earthly master, the most learned of the +Buccaneer's divines assembled together in solemn conclave, and having +opened the proceedings with prayer, they fell to arguing upon the grave +questions before them. The Scriptures were searched, and very much +learning and piety were displayed, and very much heat, with a little +temper, was introduced; but there seemed to be little probability of +their coming to a satisfactory conclusion. Some said the word must be +adhered to, others said that the word killed, and that it was the spirit +that must be taken into consideration. + +After very much argument, which at times cleft asunder the matter in +dispute, thereby forming schism and even sects, a satisfactory +conclusion was arrived at, and the foundation was laid of an edifice, +which in time was to grow into most beautiful proportions. The +foundation rested upon the Book, and the corner stones were those which +Christ had laid in Galilee. The superstructure was built to a large +extent by human hands, and of earthly material. Still it was a noble +edifice, and thus the Buccaneer had manufactured for him a good everyday +religion, somewhat worldly perhaps, but eminently suited to his mode of +life. + +There were slight incongruities, but it mattered little to the subject +of our history, and we may presume that he did not see them; or if he +did he did not notice them, which answers the same purpose. Such things +are at all times more apparent to other people than to those especially +interested. Besides, any little shortcomings on the part of the +Buccaneer were amply made amends for by his solicitude for the religious +welfare of others, whose eternal happiness seemed indeed to be more to +him than his own. Wherever he went he took with him his Bible, and as he +had not been able to swallow it wholesale himself, he soothed his +conscience by thrusting it down the throats of other people. If they +would not take it quietly, then he would help them over their difficulty +with the point of his sword. It was a principle of his that if people +would not go to Heaven, that they must be made to go there, and +accordingly he sent a good many to the other world very much against +their will, and very much before their time. + +This bold Buccaneer was perhaps originally intended for a Mahommedan, +but being spoilt in the making he became an indifferent Christian. Tell +him this, and it would be wise to clear out at once, and make tracks for +the remotest part of the world. + +As a matter of course he must follow the example of all other Christian +people, and enroll himself under the protection of some saint. Now, +whether it was by chance, or whether he was possessed with a grim kind +of humour, it would be impossible to say. Indeed, he may have had a +genuine admiration for the man. The fact remains that he chose as his +patron George of Capadocia, who seems to have done a very good business +in the way of bacon. It is at all times a difficult matter to form a +true estimate of a character far back in history; but it is probable +that the whole saintly calendar does not contain a more disreputable +blackguard than this self-same George; but he is now a saint "de mortuis +etc.;" the bold Buccaneer having now had a good serviceable religion +manufactured for him, and having also been fitted out with a good +elastic and easily worked conscience, he was himself again. Away the +merry rover went, cracking a head here and a crib there, and returning +home with whatever happened to fall in his way. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + +All the Buccaneer's neighbours had adopted some characteristic emblem or +device with an appropriate motto. No people, of any degree of +self-respect, can get on without such things. The device generally takes +the form of some beast or bird of prey--eagles and vultures being +greatly favoured. The bold Buccaneer with a characteristic modesty +adopted the lion as his emblem, and as his motto "God and my Right." It +is wonderful how he made both ends of his motto meet to his own great +advantage. These two principles seldom seemed to clash, and if they did, +he generally overcame the difficulty in a most satisfactory manner. This +perhaps was the effect of his having a good conscience. + +Now the lion is a noble-looking animal. His appearance is ferocious, +while his roar is terrifying in the extreme. Those who have watched, and +studied his habits, say that in spite of all this, he is about as mean a +beast as ever stole a meal or entered upon an unequal fight, being ever +ready to rob and plunder the weaker inhabitants of the jungle. Of +course, the animal had his good points; all animals have, and, no doubt, +it was these that attracted the Buccaneer's attention. How delighted he +was when his lion's roar frightened any one of his neighbours! What +pleasure too it gave him when he put out his large paw and snatched a +handful of feathers out of any of their birds! But then what a terrible +screeching there was, and very often a fight. + +Not to be behind his neighbour in anything, he created high sounding +titles, and honourable distinctions, to reward those of his sons who did +well in the buccaneering trade. Then to support the weight of their +newly acquired dignity, he either allowed them to levy blackmail on whom +they could, or he sent round the hat amongst his own people. This hat +was with him a cherished institution, and was used on all kinds of +occasions. It was hung up in all his churches, but taken down and sent +round after every service. Of such importance was it that it must be +deemed to be worthy at all times of a capital to begin with. For length +of titles he could not approach many of his neighbours, who frequently +found consolation for empty pockets, ruined castles, and extreme poverty +in a long string of names. + +The bold Buccaneer grew in strength, in riches, and in righteousness +also. His family increased and multiplied as all good people's families +should; but still he fought, and for the most part conquered. This +proved to his own satisfaction that God was generally on his side. When +the enemy was handed over to him he despoiled him, thus following the +example set him by most other peoples and nations, in olden times and in +new. It is a good thing to pluck a beaten adversary well, lest he flies +again too soon, and sticks either his beak, or his claws into you. Do +not believe him if he says he will not do it. To his beaten foe the +Buccaneer was kind, for he gave to him spiritual consolation; giving his +Bible and selling him his strong and intoxicating drinks. He fully +believed that those who did not live up to the teaching of his book +would be eternally damned, though he did not at all times show a +disposition to live up to it himself, it being very much too +inconvenient to do so. There was occasionally such a difference between +his preaching, and his practice, that his neighbours wondered whether he +was a knave or a hypocrite, or a good honest gentleman who saw no +incongruity in his line of action. + +Sometimes in his encounters with his enemies he came off second best, as +the saying is. Then there was nothing he was so sure of as that the +devil was fighting against him. It was his custom then to look about for +a scapegoat, and if he found one he sacrificed him to appease the Divine +anger. Then having bound up his broken head and dressed his wounds, he +took down his book, read a chapter or two, said his prayers, and then +waited until the Lord handed his enemy over to him. Then he quickly +wiped off old scores, adding or taking something, by way of interest. +Thus he became very much respected by all who knew him. As he +prospered, so did his church, for he was very generous as most sailors +are. Whatever the edifice was within, it was beautiful without, and had +a complete organisation. The High Priest, not Caiaphas, stood at the +head of all things, and he was the keeper of the Buccaneer's conscience. +It was the duty of the High Priest to keep all his subordinates in +order. This was a task which at times he could not perform, for the +members of the ecclesiastical body showed themselves to be true chips of +the Buccaneer block, and though essentially men of peace, they proved +themselves at times to be equally men of war. His priests being the +keepers of his conscience, frequently took upon themselves to lecture +him; not hesitating even to tell him of his transgressions. Having +brought the ardent old sinner upon his knees, and prescribed for him +prayers, mortifications, and fastings; having also bled him, they +cleaned and repaired his conscience and sent him on his way again. Thus +did the priesthood grow in power and in self-respect. + +Comparisons, it is said, are odious; but they are necessary at times, +and if we compare our friend with any one of his neighbours, we find him +not a bit worse; he himself thinking, indeed, that he was infinitely +better. To exterminate the heathen, or to bring them over from their +evil ways, and to burn all heretics was at one time the pious object of +his life. The weak, too, had to be protected, and those who cannot take +care of themselves ought, at all times, to be extremely obliged to those +who will do it for them, and of course they must expect to pay. Then the +evil doer had to be punished and fined, and the pride of the arrogant +and haughty had to be humbled, and surplus populations had to be worked +off, and anybody undertaking these very disagreeable, though necessary +duties, is deserving of the thanks of those who have neither the taste, +nor the leisure for the occupation. There is nothing strange in all +this. Did not Moses sit upon the hilltop with Aaron on one side and Hur +on the other, and while these two held up his hands did he not look with +satisfaction upon Joshua discomfiting the Amalekites? and very well +Joshua seems to have done his work. + +Who then will blame the Buccaneer? As in Joshua's day, so now such +things are necessary. And if the Buccaneer did burn a heretic or two, +what then? He was strictly impartial. To-day it was what was called a +Holy Roman that he fried, to-morrow he varied the bill of fare by +roasting a Protestant. That was in his early days. + +Our Buccaneer was essentially a fighting man, and though the Book he +swore by preached peace on earth and good will towards men, his habit +was to mix himself up--in early times at least--in every pot-house brawl +that he could, and a cracked head was to him an honourable distinction. +He as often as not took the wrong side, and he was frequently found +fighting in very queer company; but to his honour it must be said that +the weakness of a neighbour, who was put upon, was more to him than any +abstract principle of right or wrong, and though he was not above +pitching into a fellow smaller than himself, he would not allow anyone +else to indulge in the luxury if he could help it. + +The ill-natured--those who are for ever ready to find out spots and +blemishes in other people, to the utter neglect of their own, said all +kinds of things. Called him a hard fighting, hard drinking, and hard +swearing Christian. He did swear; it was a bad habit, no doubt; but then +his climate was enough to make any man swear, and drink into the +bargain. He had his failings, and he did not mind being told of them, +and he would sit patiently in church, whilst his priests thundered at +him from their many pulpits. He took it all in; said his prayers +devoutly, and when the inevitable Hat came round, he gave liberally. +Perhaps he experienced some slight regret on such occasions that some of +his wicked neighbours were not present to partake of the spiritual food +that was thus given freely. He felt sure it would have hit some of them +very hard. It might perhaps have made them mend their ways, though, as +it did not seem to have a permanent effect upon the Buccaneer himself, +there may be a doubt upon the subject. It is said that eels get +accustomed to skinning. + +In passing it may be mentioned that his women--at least in early +times--were honest, virtuous, brave and true, and in every way fitting +mothers for a race of warriors. It may be presumed that they had their +faults. Indeed, some of his laws and customs would lead us to believe +that such was the case. For instance, it was laid down as a rule that no +husband should beat his wife with a stick of greater diameter than one +inch. There was very great humanity here. Scolds he sometimes ducked. If +that did not stop the rancour of their tongues he tried the effect of an +instrument called the "branks." This fitted over the head something like +a dog-muzzle, and was fastened behind with a padlock, while an iron +plate rested upon the tongue, and kept it quiet. This was found to be +effective. + +Judging from our present high state of civilization when women are +allowed full liberty of speech, these early habits and customs of the +Buccaneer will not bear looking into. Occasionally in later times some +one of his sons, not conspicuous for chivalry, knocked down his wife, or +his mother-in-law, and then jumped upon her; but as a general rule his +manners were very much softened, and his women were treated with very +great indulgence. Perhaps those who suffered were deserving people. If, +in his ruder age, the women did not love their lords and masters, they +at least respected them, and this feeling in the long-run brings the +most happiness. In his latter days a deep suit of mourning, with much +crape, and a becoming widow's cap, often covered a joyous heart, and a +fresh campaign was commenced. But what is love? You have it; you have it +not. It is sometimes near, then again it is obscured by distance. It +wanders about like a sweet and gentle spirit above the earth; soaring +sometimes with outstretched wings to heaven. It seems brightest when +afar. Touch it, and it will shrink and fade like the delicate petals of +a flower. It often haunts a grave-yard and makes a home amongst the +tombs. You fly from it, and it follows; you turn and chase it and it +flies. What is love? It is a veritable Will o' the Wisp. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + +Honour to whom honour is due. In speaking of the Buccaneer and in +briefly sketching his early life, it would not be right to pass by, +without some slight comment, a people who occupied an island situated +not many miles from his shores. They were called the Ojabberaways. They +came of a spirited and highly sensitive race. They were imaginative in +the extreme, quick of temper, and very prone to insult. The smallest +slight they would look upon as a grave injury. They were also a +quick-witted, clever, and merry people, and fighting was the joy of +their life. They were not total abstainers. + +Somehow the Ojabberaways and the Buccaneer, though near neighbours, did +not get on very well together. This often happens, more especially +amongst relations, but the Ojabberaways would not admit that they were +of the same blood as the Buccaneer. They maintained that they came from +a far nobler stock. In fact, it would appear from what the people +themselves said, though history is silent upon the subject, that the +island was at one time inhabited by one or two kings, who left a progeny +sufficient to people the whole place, and that consequently, every +Ojabberaway had royal blood in his veins. No wonder then that they were +high-spirited and proud. Now they looked upon the bold Buccaneer as a +tyrant, whose chief aim in life was to tread under foot, and otherwise +insult them. Nothing would induce them to believe the contrary. They +sucked it in at their mother's breasts. The origin of their name is +wrapped in mystery, but it is probable that it had, in some way, a +connection with the chief produce of their country. + +The Ojabberaways were not a united people. Though for the most part they +were inimical to the rule of the Buccaneer, and groaned under what they +considered the chain cast upon them by an alien and an oppressor, there +were many who were comfortable and even happy and contented under his +rule. Between these two sections of the Ojabberaways there was no love +lost. The wild Ojabberaways as they were sometimes called--of course +behind their backs--looked with peculiar hatred upon what were called +the loyal Ojabberaways. Speaking of the people generally it may be said, +that when you came across one who was a thorough gentleman, no finer +specimen of the class could be found in the world; but nature is not at +all times prodigal. There are some flowers that only bloom once in a +hundred years. + +For the ordinary occupation of life the people had little or no taste, +and in his own country, if you found one Ojabberaway working, you would +always find two at least indulging in the luxury of looking on. And at +all times an Ojabberaway would give over any labour in which he might be +occupied, to follow a fellow-countryman to his grave, to whom in life he +would not have lent a single sixpence. This respect for the dead is +touching; but the Ojabberaways were a sentimental nation. + +They were also a peculiarly constituted people, generous to a fault as +long as they had anything to give; but they, for the most part, lived +beyond their means, for a man with a thousand a year would generally +spend two, and this in time brought them into the usurer's hands and +into difficulties. Then some one had to suffer, and it was generally the +tenant of the land and the peasant. The usurer at all times drives a +hard bargain, and what bowels he has are not those of compassion. What +is in his bond he takes care to have. This gave an opening to the +agitator, and he took advantage of the state of things to stir up +strife. + +Then the Ojabberaways had peculiarly formed eyes. To the outward +appearance just like other peoples; but inwardly quite differently +constructed. An object that would appear to an ordinary individual in +one light would impinge upon the retina of an Ojabberaway's eye in such +a manner as to distort some things and magnify others; but most of all a +grievance. On the other hand an obligation would appear as small as if +it were looked at through the wrong end of a telescope. They were +extremely romantic and were given occasionally to romancing. In fact, it +has been said by those who like to summarise and put a whole history +almost into a nutshell, that the lower orders of the Ojabberaways were +liars by nature and beggars by trade. Allowing for that exaggeration +which is common to all such sayings there is still a residuum of truth +left. Though brave at all times when out of their own country, in it +their courage generally took refuge behind a bank or a stone wall. Their +food was simple and their favourite drink was strong; so much so, that +when taken in too great quantities, it made them perfectly irresponsible +beings and extremely dangerous and disagreeable neighbours. Their women +were the most virtuous in the world and amongst the most lively, and the +men, though in their revenge they would have recourse to the assassin's +dagger, would never assail the chastity of a woman, who might walk from +one end of their island to the other without the slightest fear of +molestation. + +The lower orders of this devil-me-care people were joyful in their rags. +They preferred dirt to cleanliness, and as has been already said, truth +with them was not a highly prized virtue, though if they did lie, they +did it more to please than deceive. The Ojabberaways had taken up +patriotism, and made it into a regular trade, and they had cultivated it +until it had become a most lucrative employment. But with all their +faults, and Heaven only knows they had many, one could not help liking +them. They had worked for the Buccaneer; they had fought for him, and +had helped him in many of his predatory excursions, and they were +inclined, at the time of which we are speaking, like many another +people, to do a little robbing on their own account; but it must be +owned that they were a regular thorn in the Buccaneer's side, and the +thorn was working deeper, and deeper, into his flesh every day he lived. +It must also be owned that in time past he had not treated them +over-well, and retribution was galloping after him in hot haste. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + +What am I? I am a whitened sepulchre; a cloak which covers a multitude +of sins. Who am I? I am a masquerader, a thorough hypocrite and a +Pharisee, for I am a worshipper of forms and ceremonies. I move in the +very best society. I am a stickler for social laws and etiquette, and I +love a lord. I am the guardian of public morals, and in all my dealings +I exercise a strict propriety, and I punish severely, not so much the +crime, as its detection. At church I am regularly to be seen; but I +worship more in public than in private, my devotion being more to +attract the attention of my fellow beings than for the sake of God. If I +pray, it is openly. If I give, it is before the eyes of all men. It is +not so much to me what I am as what I appear to be. On my way home from +church I put on a demure, and downcast look, and enjoy in secret my +worldly thoughts. I contemplate with inward pleasure, though I outwardly +condemn, the shortcomings and failings of my neighbours. I put a check +on honest, robust mirth, for its loud, and consequently vulgar laugh +offends me. I keep aloof from all questionable society. A poor relation +I never see, should he present himself at my door, I promptly have him +kicked into the gutter. I dread the touch of an impure hand; but when in +the society of the great I sometimes condescend to visit the slums of +the poor, though the atmosphere is not congenial to me. An erring sister +I pass by as the priest and Levite did the man who fell amongst thieves. +I am a social tyrant, more feared perhaps than loved, though few are so +independent as not to pay me homage. To the indiscretions of the great I +am a little blind, for the vices of the vulgar crowd I show no pity. The +nakedness of the fashionable world does not distress me; but immodesty +amongst the common herd I visit with my severest displeasure. I keep my +eye on all my neighbours; should any of them trip, unless they are saved +by their position I let slip my dogs and hound the miscreants outside my +social pale. I ride rough shod over society, and no one dares to turn +upon me. Who am I? I am society's uncrowned queen, Respectability. + +It would be difficult to say at what precise period this uncrowned queen +took up her abode under the roof of the bold Buccaneer; but she did, and +winked at his goings on; because she looked upon him not as a robber, +but as a brave sea-king, who went in quest of venture, and was far +removed from the common and vulgar thief. There are other reasons which +perhaps induced her to take him under her protection. The Buccaneering +business was beginning to fall off, probably because other people had +taken to it more thoroughly, and it is well known that competition +interferes considerably with the very best of trades and professions. It +is possible also that our friend having made a large fortune, was +beginning to see the truth of the maxim, that honesty is the best +policy. Property does undoubtedly alter ideas; take the most rabid +socialist, who is for ever preaching a community of interests and endow +him with a fortune, and the burden of his song is speedily changed and +in a most wonderful manner. Before it was, "_I take_," but now it is, +"_I hold_." + +The Buccaneer's wealth had steadily increased, and so had his towns and +cities. The hum from a busy multitude rose up like the murmur of the +distant ocean as it dashed against the rock-bound coast. On his rivers +and bays he had built dockyards, and his shipwrights' hammers could be +heard sounding over the waters far and wide. His ships became celebrated +for their build and rig, and his sailors were considered not only the +bravest, but the most skilled in all the world. + +He was a man of great resource and enterprise, was our Buccaneer, and +when he found the one business falling off he at once turned his hand to +another. If no one wanted either beating or robbing, they wanted their +merchandise carried, so he became a carrier to the universe at large, +and combined with it the business of trader. One thing begets another, +and he soon found out other industries. Tall, tapering chimnies pointed +like great black fingers far into the sky and vomited out thick volumes +of black smoke. Then he built mills, and put up machinery, and the +rattle of thousands of wheels could be heard all over the land, and the +uncrowned queen moved about amongst his people and leavened them. But +even in his peaceful pursuits the natural bent of his genius discovered +itself, for he would frequently, for the want of a more worthy object, +steal an idea from a neighbour and then set himself to work to improve +upon it, and he generally turned it to good account. The Buccaneer's +mind was not inventive, but it was eminently adaptive, and this is very +much better, because it generally manages to suck the marrow out of the +bones of genius. + +Having been the greatest Buccaneer that ever ploughed the briny ocean, +he now became a mighty trader--a fighting one perhaps;--fetched and +carried for the whole world, and became in fact a universal provider. He +often built and fitted out a ship for some neighbour who turned her guns +against him; but he did not mind so long as he got his price, and he not +unfrequently got the ship back into the bargain in fair and open fight. +So things went merrily on. + +As is well known success breeds envy and jealousy, and the Buccaneer's +neighbours soon began to eye his superior good fortune with hatred and +much uncharitableness. They said all kinds of hard things, as people +will. Said his gains were ill gotten. But who will ever believe that +vast wealth has been honestly acquired? Somebody must have been robbed +say they. But if it is only a fool what matter? He and his money must +sooner or later part company. At least, so it is said by those people +who know everything. + +The Buccaneer, of course, put his prosperity down to a different cause. +He was a God-fearing and good man. Went to his church regularly; gave of +what he had to the poor; and sheltered himself under the cloaks of +Respectability and Religion. It is true he could not altogether divest +himself of his buccaneering tendencies, and on one occasion he even +robbed a church, which is considered about the last thing a man ought to +do; but then if he did rob Peter he made ample amends by paying Paul +very handsomely. That the Buccaneer was innately a most pious man there +can be little if any doubt; he had none himself. He loved to carry his +religion with him into his everyday life, and even into his business, +and in this perhaps we see the reason why he selected George of +Cappadocia as his patron saint. He loved to adulterate, as it were, all +his merchandise with it, and he succeeded in a marvellous manner. He was +very fond of texts taken from his Book, and these he would hang up in +all suitable and unsuitable places. He regulated his trading +transactions with his neighbours upon the principle laid down in the +parable of the talents, and he took for his especial guide the man who +turned his five pieces into ten; for he considered he must have been an +excellent man of business; a clever fellow in fact, and one well worthy +to be followed. No doubt the parable above alluded to has carried +comfort to the soul of many a Jew, Turk, and even infidel. Trade is at +all times, and in all places, and by all people, considered for some +reason or the other dirty work, and yet it is the founder of great +families, who, however, try as soon as possible, to blot out all +recollection of the source of their greatness. Trade, too, is the +founder and supporter of great nations. Why then is there such a +prejudice against it? Is it not honest? Is its first principle, namely, +to try and get the better of your neighbour in a bargain, condemned by a +virtuous world? Scarcely, for to do your neighbour, to prevent the +possibility of being done by him, seems to be implanted firmly in the +human breast. It is a principle, in fact, which is well adhered to, and +it helps considerably that law of nature which demands the survival of +the fittest. Perhaps it was as a precautionary measure that the +Buccaneer besprinkled himself, as it were, with holy water, before +entering upon his everyday life. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + +It is said by the wiseacres of the world that you should always set a +thief to catch a thief. Whether it was from a belief in this principle +of nature, or whether it was from an innate liking for the business it +would be difficult to say; but it is a fact that the Buccaneer made +himself for some considerable time a policeman, to keep order amongst +his neighbours, and prevent the strong from robbing and setting upon the +weak. Oh! the trouble the man had! Big fellows pitching into little +ones, to get either their marbles or apples! Then he not only had to +keep his neighbours from robbing each other, but he had to keep them off +his own property; for had they dared they would have stripped him as +naked as the desert is of vegetation. The rascals! + +During the time that the Buccaneer was thus doing policeman's duty he +was generally pretty well employed, for there was always a row on +somewhere; either some hen-roost being robbed, or some pot-house brawl +to be quelled, so that all things considered he was not doing a good +business. Indeed, he was getting for his trouble little more than hard +blows, more kicks than half-pence, in fact. + +After a while he determined to give the policeman's duty up; finding no +doubt that it did not pay; and he was very much too sensible to conduct +business upon such terms for any length of time. So he allowed people to +mind their own business as far as they could, while he paid more +attention to his own. Of course this state of things was not brought +about all at once, for the force of custom is great, and for the life of +him, the Buccaneer could not refrain from having an occasional finger in +the pie. + +The Buccaneer now doffed his pirate's dress, which, though picturesque, +was not altogether respectable. People will have prejudices, and if +they see a man constantly going about with a brace of pistols in his +belt, and a cutlass by his side, they will think that that man is up to +no good; so he hung these weapons up, quite handy, for there was no +knowing when he might want them to keep off robbers either by sea or +land. + +But, gentle reader, do not for a moment imagine that the old man was +dead--not a bit of of it. Beneath the peaceful dress he now assumed +there still beat the old heart. You may cover the lion with the skin of +an ass but you cannot change the nature of the beast. Our friend was as +ready as ever to tread upon his neighbours' toes, and to fight with +anybody who trod upon his. Then the peaceful stillness of his shores +would be broken by the clack, clack of his many windlasses, and the "yo +heave-ho" of his merry men. Up would go his sails, out would go his +guns, poking their black, angry-looking snouts through the port-holes, +as if they sniffed the enemy in the offing. Away went the Buccaneer for +the main. His priests prayed; his merry seamen swore, and his women and +children cried, as it was their duty to do, upon all such important and +interesting occasions. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + +It was the boast of our Buccaneer that he never turned his back upon +either friend or enemy, but in this perhaps he romanced a little, as the +very best and bravest of men will. The accusation was certainly brought +against him in after years. In dwelling upon our own actions a little +latitude is always allowed, and the disposition to boast a little must +be considered to be a pardonable weakness. Indeed, why should we detract +from ourselves when there are so many kind friends and bitter enemies +ever ready to render us the service and all for nothing? + +He did love to dwell upon his past actions, many of which were glorious, +and over his pipe and his glass he would spin many a yarn, and he would +declare that there was no nobler sight than a good sea-fight, no finer +music than the clash of arms, no finer scent than that which came from +the muzzle of a freshly discharged gun. All this is, of course, merely a +matter of opinion. + +If his sons were successful, he rewarded them well, if otherwise they +frequently had to play the part of the scapegoat, and were driven out +into the wilderness of neglect. He worshipped success and there is +nothing like it. It changes the aspect of the blackest deed, and under +its mellowing influence rank rebellion, it is well known, comes out +oftentimes, if not always, in the pure and beautiful light of +patriotism. + +It has been mentioned that our bold Buccaneer had engendered a certain +amount of jealousy amongst his neighbours, who were for ever calling him +hard names, and always retained the privilege of adding to the number. +Such things do not break bones or otherwise injure people, more +especially if nature has endowed them with good, thick, serviceable +skins, and in this respect she had been considerate to the subject of +our history. A good thick skin is, in this world, a tower of strength, +from the top of which the fortunate ones can defy ill-nature. At times, +however, a shaft did pierce through some soft and indifferently guarded +spot in the Buccaneer's armour. He had fought many a good fight both by +sea and land, and against long odds, and he could not bear to think, +that there should be a suspicion even, that he was a bully ever ready to +pitch into one smaller than himself. + +There is something very offensive about the above term. Schoolboys are +for ever requesting their fellows to pitch into boys their own size and +calling them bullies if they will not. But has not the bully been +somewhat put upon, misunderstood, and subjected to unjust obloquy? To +attack one your own size is a mistake and worthy only of the immortal +Don. As a rule for everyday life it would never do, and might be fraught +with injustice. All virtue does not lie on the side of the small boy, +who frequently by his self-sufficiency and conceit deserves a thrashing. +Oftentimes he presumes upon his smallness and makes himself as +disagreeable as a drowsy fly in cold weather. If a small boy be put upon +by one bigger than himself, he can in turn set upon his inferior, and +thus the chain of responsibility can be carried on "ad infinitum," and +in the end justice will be done to all. + +We are all children of nature and she has established bullying as a +principle which is, by the aid of the microscope, to be detected from +the mite to the man. The small of each species which she wishes to +preserve, she guards and surrounds with especial attributes. The skunk +is not a large animal, and yet enemies and friends alike approach him +with extreme respect. Was there ever a nation yet, that was kept from +thrashing and robbing another on account of its size? + +Does the bully never walk about in public offices, or in private +dwelling-houses? Is he never to be found on the domestic hearth? Ask the +humble swain of yonder fair-haired, blue-eyed, and angel-faced damsel, +if he knows what it is to be bullied? Ask the husband of many years +standing if he has ever experienced the feeling? All things have their +allotted functions to perform in this most complex world of ours, and no +doubt the bully is as necessary as many of those minute insects whose +presence is only known by the energy of their actions. So much for the +bully. + +His neighbours also said he was a money-grubber; a mere tradesman, but +withal a proud and even prosperous man. That he could fight well had +been proved on many a battle-field. What then, if now, he made a goodly +income by means of trade? All love this money, yet so many pretend to +despise the means by which it is obtained. To march your thousand into +your neighbour's country; to lay waste his lands, to filch from him his +money, and to ravish, perhaps, his daughters, has ever been considered +more noble and honourable, than to sit quietly at home and allow the +gold to trickle into your coffers through the peaceful channels of +trade. + +We have touched upon this subject with the tip only of our pen before, +for we fear pollution. The trader is looked upon askance. The uncrowned +queen of society turns up her dainty nose at him. The poor man knows it, +and as soon as he can hides all trace of his calling. Frequently enrols +himself in some civic guard and calls himself a colonel, and tries to +hide under his military plumes all signs of the desk and high stool. +Then as to our Buccaneer's pride. Such a thing is, no doubt, to be +condemned, but its next-of-kin, namely, self-respect, is very much to be +esteemed. The Buccaneer maintained that his pride amounted to this and +nothing more, and he gloried in it; took it with him everywhere, more +especially to his church. When he prayed he might humble himself before +his God, but as regards his fellow-man he must hold his head up and +claim that consideration which he considered his due. If you wished to +see pride fully displayed, there could be no better place than the +debatable ground of a church pew in the Buccaneer's island. + +When his sons visited his neighbours or any parts called foreign, they +were perhaps a little haughty and had a good-natured contempt for the +people they found themselves amongst. But that they did not hail from +their own fair land was, however, more their misfortune than their +fault. Perhaps it is the vulgar ostentation that sometimes accompanies +the acquirement of great wealth that renders it so offensive to the less +fortunate. + +Pride, no doubt, is not a Christian virtue, yet have I found no +Christian entirely without it. The Buccaneer's High Priest and other +great church dignitaries, were they humble? Yes, humble enough if you +paid them the respect they thought their due; if you approached the +ecclesiastical breeches and gaiters with modest diffidence. Did not +contradict them--not the breeches and gaiters, but the divine beings +inside them--or doubt the superiority of their learning, wisdom, and +virtue, or presume to make use of that intellect which God has given +you. Humble enough then; but your ordinary, and sometimes your +extraordinary priests cannot brook opposition. Admit also that our +Buccaneer was great, good, rich, generous, brave, and a few other things +barely worth the mentioning, and he was humble enough, heaven knows. +What he was almost entirely without, was that offensive pride which apes +humility. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +In our preliminary remarks it is necessary to mention two individuals +who played a conspicuous part in the Buccaneer's realms. + +We have already mentioned one honest sailor, the old coxs'n, Jack +Commonsense by name; but there were two women, not to say a third, who +also had a permanent abode in his island. The one was called Patriotism, +the other Liberty. The first of these was allowed to live for the most +part in neglect, and though at times she was made much of, her position +was little better than that of a beggar woman, to-day she would sit at +the table of the great, and be taken into their councils, to-morrow she +would be thrust aside, and occasionally thrown into prison. She was made +a shuttle-cock for the battledoor of Madam Party, who was the other +celebrity above alluded to, and who pretty well ruled the roast in the +Buccaneer's island. Everything had to give way to her, whilst except on +extraordinary occasions the beggar woman, Patriotism, was thought but +little of. Everybody swore they loved her; but men were deceivers ever, +if not liars. + +With Liberty it was quite a different tale, she could do pretty well +what she liked, and had over our Buccaneer for good and for evil a +wonderful influence. At her instigation he allowed the island to be made +an asylum for rascals of every kind, who having been kicked out of their +own homes, came over and plotted, and sowed broadcast among his people +the most pernicious seeds, which bore their fruit in due time. Indeed, +Madam Liberty played the part of a veritable wanton, and flirted with +blackguards of the deepest dye. The consequence of this was, that one +fine day, she gave birth to a boy, named Demos, the father being King +Mob. This boy grew to be a most unruly fellow, and caused much trouble +wherever he went. + +It is said that neither man nor beast can stand prosperity for any +length of time, the horse becomes restive, and occasionally kicks his +stall to pieces, or otherwise misbehaves himself. Even the ass; the +gentle and long-suffering ass, if too well fed, disturbs the whole +country round, braying out in his husky tones of repletion his +discontent at the very best of corn, when at one time he would have been +glad enough to fill his stomach with thistles. So it was with Madam +Liberty. It was through her that the Buccaneer first opened his doors to +a host of cheap-Jacks, and to merchants and pedlars from all parts of +the world, until in the streets of his principal sea-port towns and +chief city, could be seen a strange mixture of costumes and features. +Swarthy Orientals with their finely cut profiles, and proud bearing. +Broad-faced, oval-eyed Mongols, who always look half asleep, but are +generally found to be very wide awake. Flat-nosed, thick-lipped, +woolly-headed negroes, and as a matter of course, the ubiquitous Jew was +well represented. The Jew is found everywhere, but stay, exception must +be made to the northern-most part of the Buccaneer's island. A Jew could +not live there, not on account of the severity of the climate, though +that was bad enough; but on account of the habits of the people. It is +said by some that the object of the Jew is to skin the Christian and the +Gentile, with the view of buying back Jerusalem, or, perhaps, the whole +of the Holy Land. Many wish that this laudable desire may be +accomplished, and that quickly. With all these different nationalities +it was a wonder that the Buccaneer retained his individuality, or even +kept his language from corruption, but he did, though a broken patter +often saluted the ears, while the signs of many different races were +stamped upon the faces of the people. There is a belief in the world +that mongrels and cross-breeds will not fight. This is a mistake. Our +Buccaneer was made up of ever so many nationalities, and yet he had +fought in his day well enough. Showing, indeed, an absolute love for the +fray. May not the very best blood, of the bluest kind, which flows +through the veins of some haughty descendant, have taken its rise in +some sturdy cur of low degree, who snapped and snarled himself to the +front? + +It would be as well to mention that our bold Buccaneer had had a quarrel +in early times with one of his sons, who had emigrated and established +himself, after the fashion peculiar to his father, on a large and +fertile tract of land in the far west. This son, who was called +Jonathan, was a tall, lanky, raw boned fellow, with a good head upon his +shoulders and a strong will of his own. Modest diffidence had never been +a stumbling block in his way. As to whose fault the quarrel was, well, +some said it was entirely the old man's, but it is probable there was +much to be said on both sides, and that Jonathan was not altogether +blameless. At any rate blows were struck, and Jonathan handled his +father somewhat roughly, and so there was an estrangement, and a +separation, and Jonathan set up business for himself upon the old man's +lines; except perhaps he was not quite so religious, and a great deal +sharper. + +Jonathan did wonderfully well. He had a keen eye for the main chance, +and at driving a bargain, or getting the better of a friend, he could +not be beaten. In this, to make use of an expression of his own, he +pretty well licked creation. In his early days, he was not altogether +scrupulous; but what he called sharp practice, other people might put +down as something approaching more closely to dishonesty. The proof of +the pudding is in the eating. Jonathan prospered, and cheating, it is +well known, never does, so he must have been an honest fellow. He loved +to do his old father; to get the better of him in a bargain, to get his +money out of him either by fair means or foul. Talk to him of honour and +he would laugh in your face at your squeamishness. He had many of the +eminent qualities of his parent, had Jonathan. He generally managed to +keep what he laid his hands upon, and as the saying is, he was not +altogether the man to drink with in the dark. By trade he was a packman, +or a cheap Jack. + +Between Jonathan and the Ojabberaways there was a great friendship. The +former used to send over money to the latter to help them in their +campaign against the old gentleman. Then the Ojabberaways used to plot, +and make infernal machines in Jonathan's country, and come over to the +Buccaneer's island, where they frequently carried out their designs, and +occasionally used the knife into the bargain. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +The family of the Buccaneer in time increased to such an extent that it +began to overflow the narrow limits of his island home. His sons +therefore carried their zeal and energy and their manners and customs to +unknown countries. Under their hands forests disappeared, lands became +cultivated, and the aborigines changed their habits or cleared out. It +was no business of the young chips of this ancient block, that the soil +had already its owners, if not its tillers. If these people did not like +the new order of things, they had an alternative. Of course the young +chips would commit no act of flagrant injustice, for such would have +been against the teachings of their parent's Book, but it was generally +noticed that where they went they staid; and that they succeeded in the +long run in clearing the land of all rubbish, using for this purpose the +toes of their boots as well as their hands. Should the aborigines elect +to stay, they could; but then they were made clearly to understand that +they must live respectable lives. If they had anything to sell the +Buccaneers bought, putting upon the articles their own price, for it +could not be expected that the simple children of the soil could know +the value of things. They generally gave about half of what was asked, +and when the natives, to correct this, put on, to begin with, double the +price they intended to take, the Buccaneers were horrified at such +innate depravity, which could, as they thought, only come direct from +the devil himself. The antidote was their Book. This they immediately +presented to these vicious, ignorant, and immoral people, with many of +the pages turned down for reference. + +Wherever the Buccaneer's sons went they always took a cargo of their +intoxicating drinks. These they sold to the gentle savage who showed his +readiness to be civilized by getting as drunk as he could, as often as +he could, thereby manifesting again his shocking depravity. The +Buccaneer at home, when he heard of all this, turned up his eyes to +heaven in pious horror, and immediately sent out a cargo of missionaries +to counteract the evil effects of his cargoes of drink. These good +people wrestled with the devil; prayed for the savages and preached to +them, gave them more Bibles and explained it to them; told them to fear +God; to shun the devil and all his works; begged them to give up their +wicked ways and to lead new lives; to be honest and just in all their +dealings; not to be extortionists; not to seek after riches, for that +heaven was for the poor. Begged them to do unto others as they would be +done by. In the meantime the Buccaneer's sons gave a practical +illustration of this beautiful doctrine by selling strong drink and +other merchandise at double and treble their value. + +These missionaries were godly, self-sacrificing men, but their teachings +to the untutored mind must have sounded strange, supplemented as it was +by the actions of the Buccaneer's traders. Then again, they found that +rival sects, although they professed to follow the same great Master, +preached rival doctrines, and hated each other with a peculiar fervour. +At one time they painted God as the God of love, at another time they +implanted fear and horror in the heart by depicting Him as a revengeful +and malicious demon, full of the worst of human failings. They taught +these simple savages that life was a kind of tight rope, along which +they had to walk; holding in their hands the balancing pole of religion. +If they slipped, which likely as not they would, then there was God's +rival underneath ready with his net to catch them, and to throw them +into a fire that is never quenched. + +It could not be expected that the ignorant savage would understand, all +at once, the many nice distinctions of modern civilization. No doubt it +must have seemed strange to him that the Buccaneer, in the face of what +he preached, seldom went away empty-handed--taking indeed at times a +goodly patch of land, just by way of recompense; for it was generally +found, that, wherever his sons placed their feet, some of the soil +always stuck to the soles of them. + +Thus were the first seeds of civilization sown; but other and better +things were to follow. The nakedness of the savage had to be clothed, +and the long black coat and tall hat of respectability had to be +introduced. The result of all this was not far to find. It was a natural +consequence; for where the Buccaneer found simple human beings, +worshipping God after their own way, dark if you like, but at least +honest, he frequently left an accomplished lot of hypocrites, drunkards, +liars, thieves and rascals generally, who having cast off the few rags +of virtue which their own benighted religion had clothed them in, had +put on a garment made up of most of the vices of civilization, and only +stitched together with the thinnest threads of Christian virtues, which +threads were liable to snap at any time. Of course this was not the +fault of the Buccaneer's sons. It was entirely due to the wretched soil +they had to work upon; you cannot grow figs on thistles, nor can you +make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. + +What is civilization, do you ask? It is a veneer, sometimes thick and +sometimes thin, which is thrown over human nature by culture and what +not. From under this cloak the old Adam will from time to time peep out +and take a good look round. Did he not peep out to some purpose amongst +one of the Buccaneer's neighbours, and playing the part of Cain did he +not draw his knife, called the guillotine, across many a brother's +throat, kicking them unshriven into eternity? It is right to give every +one their due, and it must be owned that the Buccaneer's footsteps were +not always written in dust. He often found a people at war amongst +themselves, and tearing each other to pieces. These he brought under +subjection and gave them law and order, and if he could have kept his +sons from selling strong liquors to them, and teaching them some of the +pernicious principles of trade, he would have done very much good, but +with his Book he took his bottle, and the latter was more readily +received than the former. + +It sometimes so happened that the ignorance of the heathen was so great, +and their minds so clouded by prejudice, that they misunderstood +altogether the nature of the missionary. Experience had taught them that +the Buccaneer's Bible was generally the harbinger of the Buccaneer's +sword, which he cleared the way for the Buccaneer's man of business, +who, it was found, generally got the advantage in any bargain that was +made. What wonder then, if the simple children of nature, the gentle +savage, mistook food that was meant for the mind, as food meant for the +body, and consumed the missionary instead of his teachings? This is an +expensive way of converting a people, but it might be expected that a +devoured missionary would not be without its effect upon the consumer. +The disposition is naturally affected by the state of the body, the +latter by the food that is taken in to nourish it. A violent fit of +indigestion might bring on a deep remorse, and then the body would be in +a proper state to receive the good seed, which taking root in the heart +of one man even, might spring up and spread amongst a whole people. +There is consolation here for those who have lost a friend or relation +in the above manner. + +By the simple methods thus related the Buccaneer managed to get an +outlet for his surplus population, and he then increased his dominions, +until it was his boast that the sun never set upon them. There was not a +clime too inhospitable for him. He conquered not only the people but +every natural disadvantage. His sons too travelled into every land as +the bearers of the veneer called civilization. Their footprints could be +traced upon the desert sands of Arabia. The ring of their rifles was to +be heard in the remotest parts of India; on the wild prairies of +America, and on the untrodden plains of Africa. They loved to beard the +lion and the tiger in their native lairs; to shoot the alligator on the +banks of the Nile, and the wild goats high up on the slopes of the vast +snow-capped Himalayas. This to them was a pleasurable recreation, while +for pastime they loved to climb the highest ice-bound peaks, and the +mangled corpse of some adventurous comrade lying at the foot of some +precipice in no way damped their ardour. They recovered the body, sang a +pean in praise of his temerity, gently placed him in the tomb of +oblivion, where so many good people lie, and then commenced their +dangerous climb. They were a brave and adventurous lot were the sons of +this bold Buccaneer. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + +Our Buccaneer from his earliest times had always kept his Sabbaths in a +manner peculiar to himself. He put on his best clothes and a long hat, +shut up all his shops but kept open his pot and public houses, and +allowed no other recreations than going to church and drinking. Six days +had his people to enjoy themselves and his tradesmen to adulterate their +different articles of merchandise, the seventh day he decreed should be +given up to worship and to pious meditations. All his museums were shut +up and all his picture galleries were closed, and his chief city would +have been like a city of the dead, if it had not been for the howling +mobs that occupied his parks, and other public places, and either +shouted sedition or spouted religion. Entire freedom of speech he +considered absolutely necessary to the entire freedom of the subject. +Many of his people who were not thus engaged passed their time in an +inoffensive manner in their favourite pot-house and boosed their holiday +away. This from a pecuniary point of view was very much more profitable +to the Buccaneer than the opening of any of his museums or libraries; +for from drink he derived a goodly income. It is sad, but it must be +owned that this rich man had his poor, and where there is poverty there +is discontent. The skirts of his garments did trail in the mud. The most +distressing thing about this Poverty is that she will bring forth and +increase, in an altogether unnecessary manner, thereby providing food +for the jail, the hangman, and in the end, the devil. + +Some sinned in this respect who ought by example to have taught a better +lesson. It was no uncommon thing in the Buccaneer's island for one of +his priests to ascend the pulpit, and preach from there the efficacy, +and even necessity, of practising self denial. He would then descend +from his throne and point a moral to adorn his tale, by marrying and +bringing into the world a number of children that he had no visible +means of supporting; your priest's quiver is generally full, and he +seems at times to have a beautiful faith in God's mercy. Thinking, +perhaps, that as He fed the Israelites in the days of old, so would He +feed him and his numerous progeny now, with manna fresh from heaven. + +It was said that our Buccaneer frequently forgot to look at home, and +raising his eyes over the heads of his own poor, fixed his sympathetic +gaze upon other people's. Perhaps he did experience a certain amount of +gratification at seeing his name at the head of subscription lists, when +any of his neighbours suffered from either fire, famine, or pestilence; +and to clothe the naked savage of the sunny south, where clothing, +except the smallest amount for decency's sake, is absolutely +unnecessary, seemed to be to him a more meritorous action than the +mending of the rags of his own poverty stricken people. + +Then as if he had not enough poor of his own, all his neighbours paid a +flattering tribute to his good nature and generosity, by emptying their +human sweepings into his dust bin; until in time his island became--and +he prided himself upon the fact--an asylum for all the cut-throats, +thieves, blackguards, assassins and idiots of the whole world. Madam +Liberty had a good deal to say to this. But our Buccaneer, or fighting +trader as he had become, was generous even to his own poor in a +spasmodic kind of way, and when in his church he heard the oft told +story of Dives and Lazarus, it made him sympathetic and opened the +bowels of his compassion, and could he have laid hands upon that rascal +Dives he would have been made to suffer. This Dives does not appear, +however, to have been a monster of iniquity. The only sin he apparently +committed, was to fare sumptuously every day, and clothe himself in fine +linen. Who amongst us will not do the same if he has but the chance? Do +modern Christians live the life of anchorites? Does Dives never sit at +the priest's table? Did the Buccaneer's priesthood, from the head down, +eschew fine linen, and even at times gorgeous raiments? Do they turn +their faces against the luxury of the table on which delicacies +temptingly repose. Suppose the Buccaneer on his way home from his +devotions had found Lazarus on his door-step, would he have taken him +in? not a bit of it. He would have sent him quickly about his business, +and if he did not hurry himself the officer of the law would have been +called in and Lazarus would have been marched away as a rogue and +vagabond. Would the Buccaneer's high priest or any other of his +ecclesiastics have taken Lazarus in and washed his sores; tended to him, +and fed him? Yes, yes, but times have changed and the story of Lazarus +does very well as an example to hold up before the people for pious +admiration, but Lazarus' case does not apply to our present high state +of civilization, with all its complex social machinery for the benefit +of the poor. The proper place for Lazarus now would be the sick ward of +a poor house. + +Having thus briefly sketched the early history of our Buccaneer or +fighting trader; his conversion, the manufacturing of his religion, and +the method he had of persuading the heathen to become Christians, it is +necessary to relate how he conducted his business. His old sea-faring +instincts stuck to him, and he moored on the river that flowed past his +principal city, a ship which he called the Ship of State, and by her +side he moored another, which he called his Church Ship, and these two +rode side by side and stemmed the current of time. + +It could not be said that either of these ships were rapid sailers. +Indeed, both of them were somewhat bluff in the bows, but they were +excellent sea boats, and the old Ship of State had weathered many a +storm, and had experienced in her day much foul weather. Her figure-head +was a crown. Her crew all told numbered some six hundred and seventy +hands, and was divided into two watches, Starboard and Port, each having +its captain, lieutenants, petty officers, able and very ordinary seamen, +cooks, bottle-washers, swabbers, and adventurers. Of the latter there +were a goodly few in each watch, and they had but one star to steer by; +but that one was of the very first magnitude. These adventurers were a +very busy body of men, and by keeping up a great noise, and pushing +themselves to the front, they tried very hard to feather their nests, or +drop into some well-paid but sinecure office. They were frequently +successful. + +In the after part of the Ship of State the Buccaneer had placed his +second or Upper Chamber, into which he sent all those of his sons who +had done well. Here they enjoyed in peace and extreme quiet their +well-earned repose. When thus shelved they were given titles, and were +frequently endowed out of the public purse. In early times some of the +members of the Upper Chamber had endowed themselves, but there were very +few of the old stock left. The principle that our Buccaneer had of +promoting his sons to the Upper Chamber was peculiar. It was not based +upon personal merit, nor at all times upon services rendered to the +State. Success in trade, or fidelity to a party, was generally +considered to be, by him, of the very first consideration. + +The power that this Upper Chamber once had was extremely great, but now +all this had changed, and the old ship was worked entirely, or nearly +so, by whichever watch happened to be on duty. Besides, as will be +shown, the Upper Chamber had the misfortune to fall under the +displeasure of one of the ship's crew. + +The Buccaneer dearly loved a lord, no matter whether he was spiritual or +temporal, and the women, with few exceptions, adored them without +distinction. There is perhaps too much obloquy bestowed upon the toady +and tuft hunter. Why should they be so despised? To love and revere the +great is surely a commendable action. Are they not the salt of the +earth? Sometimes, indeed, the salt has a little lost its flavour, but +what then? Much that is good must still remain, to which homage is due. +It is the birthright of those who, by their superior intelligence, +wisdom, and virtue, have placed themselves high up on pedestals, for +common humanity to bow down and worship them. + +Who does not love a lord? This esteem for the great is universal. Even +the democratic cheap-Jack Jonathan dearly loved a lord; but as he had +none of his own he had to make the most he could out of other people's, +and he did. It was thought by many, that such a clever fellow as this +Jonathan would not be long without lords of his own; but that he would +manufacture a few out of the cheap shoddy that he always had on hand. + +The Upper Chamber ought to have been extremely wise, and their councils +even inspired, for their deliberations were sanctified and leavened by +the presence amongst them of a certain number of Lords Spiritual. This +gave a sort of Divine authority to the great affairs of State. The +priest's kingdom is not of this world; it is therefore all the more +wonderful how in every age, and in every clime, he becomes clothed, +hemmed in, and perhaps hampered by temporal power, which no doubt he +wears as a garment of sackcloth and ashes. + +The Church Hulk, which was moored on that side of the Ship of State away +from the shore, was commanded by the Buccaneer's High Priest, one +celebrated for his piety and learning. His crew was numerous and very +able, though at times a mutinous spirit showed itself on board when the +authority of the High Priest was openly defied; but then it must be +remembered that the church was a church militant, and the priests true +chips of the fighting old Buccaneer block. The power of the Buccaneer's +priesthood grew, and waxed in strength, and gained such an influence +over him that he was not allowed to do anything scarcely without their +sanction, and before he set out on any of his predatory expeditions he +always asked the blessing and the prayers of the church, and was very +seldom if ever refused. This practice is followed even now amongst +brigands, in certain parts. These picturesque cut-throats say their +prayers before their favourite shrine, and then sally out, slit a gullet +and steal a purse with a clear conscience, and take some of the spoil +back--if they be pious brigands--to their favourite shrine. + +In time the Buccaneer's State Church became so extremely rich that +envious eyes were cast in her direction. Those on board of the old +Church Hulk denied her wealth, and they should have known. Some of her +crew were poor enough, heaven knows, and the Great Hat was constantly +sent round. The priest, he is by nature a beggar. It is perhaps one of +the few relics we have of that time, when a pure religion was planted by +a small band of mendicants, who had neither shoes upon their feet, nor +money in their scrips. + +How beautiful is poverty at a distance. Songs have been sung in its +praise, but no one likes it. It pinches so, and in the Buccaneer's +island it was as the mark of Cain. There is something to be said on its +side though, for is it not written? "Happy are the poor, for theirs is +the kingdom of heaven." Twice happy are they, for not only is theirs the +kingdom of heaven, but they are free from the social parasite who never +leaves the rich man alone. One attacks him and begs, because he has a +large family born to genteel poverty. Another has a church to be roofed +or renovated, or some distressing object of charity which he would +willingly hang round the neck of the rich man instead of his own, until +the rich man being tormented by a thousand and one importunate beggars +of high and low degree, feels inclined to exclaim, "Oh! unhappy indeed +am I, for not only is it harder for me to enter the kingdom of heaven, +than it is for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, but also on +earth I am not unfrequently set upon, and despitefully used by the +common and vulgar thief, while the hand of the whole world is against +me." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + +On the mainmast of the Ship of State, high up above the domes and +minarets of the Buccaneer's chief city, he had placed his crow's nest or +look-out tub, where the look-out man was stationed. This man had, as a +matter of course, the usual number of eyes; but one was an official eye, +the vision of which was peculiar; for it could see into far distant +lands if so inclined; but if not, there could be no eye more blind, not +being able to discover what was going on under the nose placed by nature +to its immediate front. + +Then the Buccaneer had wonderful inventions, by which he could +communicate with all his foreign relations and receive in turn what +information it was their pleasure to give. + +The way the Buccaneer filled up appointments on board of his Ship of +State was peculiar to himself. Adaptability, or knowledge of the +particular department, was of little or no consideration in his eyes. If +the hole to be filled was a round one, he took a square man and jammed +him into it, and left him to fit in as best he could. This might appear +difficult, and even detrimental to outsiders, but to those accustomed to +the peculiar system, things soon settled down and worked pretty well. + +He had a distinct objection to anything new. Change had to be brought +about slowly and by degrees. If there was any haste in the matter, he +started up at once, took fright and cried out "revolution!" and then any +necessary reform was thrust back and considerably delayed. He loved +patchwork. His Ship of State was patched. His Church Hulk was patched, +though of course this was not admitted by the generality of her crew, +who declared that the order they sailed by had come down without +interruption from the fountain-head; but there were differences of +opinion as to this even on board the Church Ship, and sometimes even +heated discussions took place on other matters when charity, and +brotherly love, were either sent below, or kicked over the ship's side +for the time being. + +The Buccaneer loved to mend and mend, not from any love of economy, for +his public expenditure far exceeded that of any of his neighbours, and +he gloried in the fact. If some article of his own manufacture wanted +repairing he would not take any of his own material, but he would borrow +or buy from his neighbours, and clap on over his own product something +peculiar to other people. It was nothing to him whether the thing suited +or not, he still held on the even tenor of his way with a doggedness +that was in him almost a virtue, because it overcame so many +difficulties. In course of time he became famed as the very best tinker +that the world had ever produced; and this trade he guarded with a +jealous care and kept it entirely to himself. + +Then the way he had of relieving his watches was peculiar. He had no +regular shifts, but when one of the watches displeased him he just +kicked them over the ship's side and sent the whole crew about their +business, and a fresh lot had to be selected by the people on shore. It +was also another peculiarity of his that whenever the most learned, and +wisest of his sons, could not solve some difficult question of State, he +appealed at once to the most ignorant, and generally abided by their +decision. On such occasions his old coxswain took the helm and generally +brought him successfully out of his difficulties. + +During the time the crew were on shore soliciting the suffrages of the +people they were ready to promise almost anything, if they were only +sent on board in charge, but memories were often proved to be very +short. The crew often abused each other soundly, making use at times +even of very bad language. This was in a measure to be attributed to +those who managed to creep on board amongst the crew, who had not all +the characteristics of gentlemen; and also to the establishment amongst +the Buccaneer's people of a new university called Billingsgate, the +language and manners taught at his two ancient seats of learning not +being strong enough for the necessities of the age. There were always +Ojabberaways on board, and some of these had neither the refinement of +manner, nor the delicacy of feelings peculiar to the thorough bred +gentleman. + +At one time the old Ship of State was the scene of polished debate and +pointed epigram, while the satire was delicate and keen; but now things +had materially changed and the language too often descended to gross +personal abuse. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + +The means the Buccaneer had of gaining his information, namely, through +the medium of his daily press, was confusing in the extreme; for all his +papers took sides and showed the fighting instincts of the head of the +family. Columns were written upon the same subject which was so decked +out in party colours as to baffle all efforts at recognition. Each paper +acted the part of an advocate, and by fixing upon the weak parts of an +adversary tried to conceal its own shortcomings. Under these +circumstances it was very difficult, if indeed it were possible, to find +out the true merits of a case. + +Every day a battle raged, and frequently an opponent was allowed neither +learning nor knowledge, while occasionally he was denied common honesty +and even decency. The gentlemen of the Buccaneer's press were a mighty +power. Fall under their displeasure, and it would be wise to make peace +with your enemy quickly, or you would have a whole phalanx of quills +charged to the very tips with ink, levelled at you. Kings even were +censured and nations chided in the most patronising manner; being +occasionally set at each other's throats, causes for quarrel being found +when none really existed. And often where a sore existed between two +people, it was not allowed quietly to heal and sink into the regions of +forgetfulness, but was kept open until perchance it ended in an open +rupture. Then having done this, the press frequently sat in judgment +upon the belligerents and censured them for their blood-guiltiness; and +by persisting in being present at the row, and chronicling the actions +of each combatant, the gentlemen of the press frequently did +considerable damage to both. + +As information could not possibly be legitimately acquired to keep so +many papers going it had to be manufactured. Then when a false rumour +was started, there was soon a hue and cry after it, and it was either +run to earth, or caught and worried to death in the open. Although the +dailies gave themselves great airs and many graces, posing often enough +even as prophets, they were a mighty power for good. They often +redressed wrongs; brought abuses to light, and kept a rod in pickle for +the back of the evil doer. The press was not, however, without its +inconveniences, and even evils. Taking a page out of Jonathan's book, +the Buccaneer had allowed the system of interviewing celebrities to +creep in. Distinguished persons were considered to be fair game, and +they were badgered, and bored to disclose their inmost secrets. What +they had had for breakfast, how they conducted themselves in private +life, whether they ate, drank, slept and dressed as other people, or +whether they had any peculiar way of their own, was considered to be of +the utmost interest to the people. The method by which we conduct our +everyday life is somewhat confined. We can only sit in one way, which we +may perhaps slightly vary; but the centre of gravity must be kept within +certain small limits. As a rule, there is but one mode of getting into +bed, namely, on either one side or the other, though we have known cases +in which the individual preferred to crawl in at the foot. + +Amongst other inconveniences must be named the newsvendor, who every +day, and at all hours up to late at night, rushed through the street and +cried up his wares in tones perfectly unintelligible, and which ranged +from the shrill pipe of the tender-aged gutter-grub, to the deep +gin-and-water voice of the full-grown and matured drunkard. + +High above the heads of the rest of the dailies stood the Great +Thunderer, as it was called. Every day it belched out dense heavy +columns from its paper throat, and it ploughed in amongst the smaller +fry and did occasionally great damage, this big gun worked upon a pivot, +and by the direction of its smoke you could tell which way the wind of +public opinion was likely to blow. + +Once a week the weeklies sat in judgment upon the dailies. The +monthlies pitched into both of these, and four times a year the giant +quarterlies strode in amongst the combatants, and dealt destruction all +round; overcoming all obstacles by the sheer weight of their columns. It +was said that one of these big bullies killed a man once, but this is +one of those assertions that requires confirmation. What one paper +affirmed, another denied, and that which to begin with was tolerably +clear, soon became overclouded with prejudice and party feeling. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + +As is frequently the case in histories strides have to be taken, and +bridges have to be made over the river of time, so that we may walk over +in ease and comfort from one age to another. + +At the time of which we now wish to speak, the Starboard watch was in +charge of the old Ship of State. The captain of this watch was one +William Dogvane, a celebrated sailor, and as shifty a salt--so it was +said--as ever trod a plank. His first lieutenant was one Harty, as fine +a sailor as ever chewed a quid, or drank a tot of grog. A good hand all +round and a thorough gentleman. Then there were the other officers and +petty officers, of whom it is not necessary to make particular mention. +Strange as it may appear, some of the foremost hands will play a +conspicuous part in this history. To begin with, there was Pepper, the +cook of the Starboard watch, a great admirer, and supporter, of Captain +Dogvane's. Then there was Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher, Joseph Chips +the carpenter, and Charlie Chisel his mate, all of the same watch. +Pepper was a merry clever little fellow, full of quips, jeers, and +jokes, but like most cooks he was a bit uncertain in his temper. Put him +out, and stand clear, or you would have a bucket of water over you, +either hot or cold, dirty or clean, just whichever happened to be +nearest, before you knew where you were, and from his language, a +stranger might infer that he had taken high honours at the university of +Billingsgate. He was a great admirer of the Ojabberaways. + +The cook had a keen eye for the failings of others, but he was a merry +fellow with all, and excellent company, and though no one really +believed in him, all were ready enough to laugh, either with him, or at +him. It is true that such people do not, as a rule, figure in history, +but such things have been known. A dancer was once made prefect of +Rome. Besides your cook is no ordinary individual, for indirectly he +rules the universe. He is the foundation of peace and happiness, and the +cause often of strife, sorrow, and great suffering. A bloody war even +may be indirectly the consequence of the indiscretion, carelessness, or +want of skill on the part of some cook who has to prepare the food for +some kingly stomach. A little too much of one thing, or a little +skimpiness in another, brings on a fit of indigestion, accompanied by +mental irritation, and general loss of temper. Ministers are abused, and +have to bow their heads before the fury of the royal anger. The bearing +of some rival potentate assumes an altogether offensive aspect. Heads +are cut off; the prison opens its gates, and many poor subjects are +thrust in to contemplate in silence the fickleness of fortune, or their +own sins. Wars are declared. Battalions are ranged against battalions, +and human blood flows like water, and all this commotion springs, may +be, from the kitchen, where the cook sits calmly; bakes, stews, and +fries as if nothing had happened. + +Most assuredly the cook holds a most responsible position in the world, +and it is not too much to say that the safety, honour, welfare, and +integrity, yes, and even the happiness and intelligence of a people, +depend in a great measure upon the head of the kitchen. The cook should, +therefore, take his place amongst the high ministers of every state, for +it is in his power to do far more good, and to give far greater pleasure +to the many, than your prating philanthropist, who with meddling and +muddling manners, large heart, but, generally speaking, small head, +tries his best to make paupers of a people, and do harm generally. Your +cook is the prime minister to the greatest potentate in the whole world, +namely, king stomach, and therefore your cook, if he be a wise, skilful, +and virtuous cook, should hold a high place in every community. My lord +bishop do you cavil at my statement about his majesty, king stomach? +Does he not dwell in the monastery? Does he not sit even at the priest's +table, and say to the company, eat, drink, and be merry? Does the priest +more than the layman turn his back upon the succulent oyster, the +truffled turkey, the barded quail, the plover's egg, which may have +cost a shilling, though the honest tradesman only perhaps gave a penny +for the rook's egg, which he substitutes for it? Is the voice of our +mighty potentate never heard in the bishop's palace? The priest is but a +man. True, but too often he looks upon himself as the Lord's anointed +who is to be approached with respect, and listened to with reverence, +when from his throne, the pulpit, he preaches a self denial to others, +that he does not find it convenient to practice himself. + +As the Port watch were not on deck at the time of which we are speaking, +it is not necessary to say much about the men that composed it, further +than to mention that Bob Mainstay was the captain, and a most +experienced seaman, quite equal, many thought, to old Bill Dogvane, and +very much more certain, though he had not Bill's command of language. +Indeed, few had, for Bill could spin a yarn many fathoms long. The first +lieutenant of the Port watch was Ben Backstay, a safe steady going +seaman, universally respected, and both he and his captain had had no +finishing touches put on by the university of Billingsgate, and in +consequence they were courteous gentlemen. The captain was perhaps a +little imperious and keen of speech. Then, of course, there were all the +other officers and able seamen, and there was a merry, clever little +fellow, who though only a middy, must not be lost sight of: for he was +destined to rise step by step, and even jumps to a high position in the +old Ship of State. And he will play no mean part in our present history. +Random Jack as he was called, delighted annoying old Dogvane, in fact, +he buzzed about the whole of the Starboard watch like a mosquito, and +was the merriest, and most cheery little devil that ever put on a +sailor's jacket. People at first laughed and jeered at the middy, but he +cared not. Only those laugh in the end who win, and he was contented to +bide his time, and through fair weather and foul, in ups and downs, he +never lost confidence in himself, and herein lies the mainspring of +greatness and very much of the world's success. + +It has been shown that the old fighting instinct of the Buccaneer was +present amongst all his children, and that it was not absent even on +board of the Church Hulk. No wonder then that it showed itself to a +marked degree amongst his ship's crew, which, however, had not as yet +advanced so far as to run an opponent through with three feet of cold +steel or plug him with an ounce of lead, like some of his neighbours; +nor was his ship's deck strewn about with spittoons, like, it was said, +Jonathan's at one time was. In a matter of expectoration Jonathan was +great. A spittoon, if properly aimed at the head of an antagonist, +political or otherwise, might bring a debate to a speedy, and perhaps a +satisfactory conclusion. + +Though Captain William Dogvane swore he was essentially a man of peace, +his life proved him to be a man of war, and he displayed a marvellous +aptitude for getting into rows and then swearing that they were none of +his making. Then if he found that he was getting the worst of a fight he +would at once give in; own himself in the wrong, and apologize all +round, and sometimes tread on peoples' toes in doing so, and +consequently getting more abuse than thanks for his disinterestedness. +Dogvane said it was a noble and magnanimous thing to own oneself in the +wrong, and so save bloodshed; but his enemies said it was generally due +solely to cowardice, and they had some reason for saying this, as far as +Dogvane was concerned, for he never owned himself wrong until he had +been two or three times beaten in the open, and then the enormity of the +action--not the beating--became apparent to him. This shifty old salt +would at once ware ship, and put all the blame for everything upon the +other watch, the members of which, if they only did a half of what old +Dogvane accredited them with, deserved to be hanged, drawn, and +quartered. This skilled old sailor could sail on any tack and before any +wind. In his lifetime he had been many things and had served in both +watches; but there was nothing out of the way in this, as it was no +unusual thing for a man to commence in the Starboard watch and finish up +in the Port, and the reverse. Then old Dogvane could do almost anything. +There was nothing too great for him to tackle. He could talk for hours +upon the Mosaic Cosmogony. Science would try to knock him over with +facts; but Dogvane would, to his own entire satisfaction, prove that +science was altogether wrong. He would discuss religion, philosophy, +ethics, in fact, anything, with any past master in the craft, and he had +the quality, said to be peculiar to the race from which he sprang, of +never knowing when he was beaten. + +The Ojabberaways who served on board the old Ship of State were for the +most part in the Starboard watch, and if by any chance they changed over +to the other side to serve their purpose, the alliance was never of long +duration nor was it altogether of an honourable kind. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + +A time came when things were said to be as they ought not to be; +discontent became very prevalent. It is always thus; but the people, it +was said--and with some show of reason--had quarrelled with their +prosperity. Labour had combined against capital, and the workers refused +to work except upon their own terms. They demanded shorter hours and +more pay, Nor would they, if they could help it, allow others to labour. +The Buccaneer's system of education had perhaps something to do with +this state of things, for it taught his children almost everything, +except how to gain a living, gave many of them exalted opinions, crammed +their heads, but left their stomachs empty, until in time the serving +class bid fair to be educated out of his island. All wanted to be +masters and mistresses, and the kitchen was looked down upon. Things +came to such a pass that it was far easier to obtain a governess who +could teach almost anything, for thirty pounds a year, than a cook for +the same amount, whose knowledge of her trade barely soared as high as +boiling a potato, or grilling properly a mutton chop, and who even with +this small amount of professional skill was insolent if found fault +with. + +Then the Buccaneer's tradesmen, being true chips of the ancient block, +were frequently extortionists, if not actual robbers. They were +certainly well imbued with his first principle of trade, namely, the +turning of their five talents into ten, and some at least were not above +selling short weight and adulterating their merchandise; but these of +course were the dishonest ones, the black sheep that are said to exist +in every flock. Then before things reached the consumer they had to be +dealt with by the middle men, a species of vampire who sucked a good +deal of the profit out of the article; so the consumer was driven into +the hands of the foreign cheap-Jack, who soon began to sell more than +ever. The Buccaneer's old coxswain, who, it must be owned, was a bit of +a preacher, and like all such a little prosy, spoke up as was his wont: +"Mates," he said, addressing a lot of grumblers, who had assembled +together to air their grievances, "don't you see you've got your ship's +head lying in the wrong direction? You are cutting your throats, my +hearties, like a swimming pig, for while some of you are quarrelling +with your masters, and others of you are going in for keeping up the +prices, these furrin cheap-Jacks are doing a thriving trade. Shipload +after shipload of their merchandise is coming in. They are ousting you, +my lads, out of your own markets, while you stand by, pipe in mouth and +hands in pockets, demanding your shorter hours and higher wages." "What +would you have us do, mate?" cried a burly fellow from the crowd, as he +held his pipe in one hand and a quart pot in the other. "Are we to work +our souls and bodies out, day after day, and year after year, while our +masters are building up a pile, and palaces to put it in? We ain't +agoing to work like some of our neighbours for a mere nothing; neither +are we agoing to live on black bread and sour crout; so unless our +masters are going to cave in and come down with the needful, we are +going to hold out. As for the cheap-Jack fellows, let our master make +'em pay toll. Let's have everything fair and above board. Put that in +your pipe, old man, and smoke it." "Lads!" cried old Jack, "you are +killing your goose that lays the golden eggs; or, you are frightening +her over the water, which amounts to the same thing." "Let her go, mate. +If she stays here and stops laying eggs, we'll wring her neck, and +divide her carcass amongst us. We shall have a good feed then anyhow, +and be equal all round." So there were strikes, and a great cry out +against capital, and trade began to work down towards the sea-shore, and +unfolding her wings, prepared to take flight to other and more congenial +climes. + +Whenever the old coxswain got his master's ear upon the subject, his +favourite, Liberty, was sure to be on the other side, telling him to let +things alone. This aggravated old Jack, who one day exclaimed; "Pray, +madam! how far are you going to take our master along this road of +freedom?" "Good, honest Jack, that is for you to say," cried madam, with +a smile and a curtsey. "Aye, aye, that is all well enough, my fine lady. +But there is not a place you don't go to with those doctrines of yours. +You commenced upstairs in the parlour, and now you have gone down into +the kitchen, and heaven only knows where you intend to stop. What is the +use of my saying anything? Where you lead my master follows; no matter +whether the road you are on goes to the devil or not. It is no use my +holding on to his coat tails, when you are coaxing him, cajoling him, +and pulling him forward by both his hands." So saying the old coxswain +went his way, muttering something about women in general, that was not +altogether complimentary to the fair sex. But the honest coxswain, when +ruffled, said, like many other people, very much more than what he +meant. + +In the general running down of things the Buccaneer's women did not +escape. At one time they had been famed both for their virtues, and +their beauty. Of the latter it was said there was a falling off. Indeed +they were so pulled to pieces all round, by the sharp talons of ill +nature, that they were not left too many virtues to plume themselves +with. + +Beauty it is well known is only skin deep, and in very many cases it +does not penetrate even so far. It can be laid on in the morning and +dusted off at night without much trouble, though no doubt many beauties +prefer to go to bed with the bloom on. This kind of beauty has its +merits. It withstands to a certain extent the ravages of time; art +following close in the footsteps of nature with the paint brush filling +up the crevices, and washing out the marks of the years that have +hurried by. But it was said that a good deal of the bloom on the young +cheeks was not a constant quantity, and that the cherry lips were not a +fast colour. That eyebrows and eyelashes were pencilled and hair dyed. +If this was not a foul libel how much was it to be regretted? Youth +requires neither putty nor paint to deck it off. For the old it matters +little; the only people deceived are the artists themselves. You may +disguise the age somewhat, put back the hand of time a year or so, but +you can never make an old face look young; paint it up and putty it as +much as you like. In the Buccaneer's island there was indeed to be seen +strange contrasts, such as dark eyebrows and fair hair, but then nature +does at times play sad tricks, giving to animals more heads than one, +and occasionally more than the usual quantity of tails, and even legs. + +Suppose the Buccaneer's daughter did call in the aid of art. They all do +it, and in doing it, a woman only follows the instincts of her nature, +though some are so strong minded as to pay little or no attention to +personal adornments. The instinct above alluded to is to be found in the +daughter of nature, as well as in her civilized sister, and is the one +great link that binds female humanity together. Is there a part of the +civilized world yet discovered where the female mind does not turn +towards the embellishment of the outward form? No doubt the first act of +Eve after the sad catastrophe in the garden of Eden, when she recovered +from the temporary fit of despondency, was to seek some smooth sheet of +water, on which her fair face and form might be mirrored, and with as +little doubt her second act was to procure the most becoming fig leaf, +that the whole garden of Eden could produce to deck herself in. In the +general effect perhaps she found some slight consolation, though she +might regret there were not more Adams than one. While in the West the +female head is decorated with hair taken, perhaps, from some one, who +having paid the debt due to nature has no further need for it, her +sister of ruder climes utilizes the bushy end of a cow's tail. While the +one uses cosmetics, pomades, and dainty perfumes, the other uses earth, +or clay, or things that by no means, or under any circumstances, can be +called dainty. In passing, we may perhaps call the attention to the +strange perversion of the order of things that seems to run through the +civilized male mind of the West. Hairs pulled from a horse's tail +decorate the wise heads of judges, while feathers plucked from the +nether end of a cock, float over the heads of Western warriors. Is there +any subtle influence of nature at work here? But to return to the +ladies. + +The female child of nature, instead of hanging round her neck precious +stones, wears thin strings of beads, or berries, or even shells, and +this in many climates is no inconsiderable part of her attire. Then +where she places a bunch of reeds, or dried grass, her civilized sister +places tastefully a bunch of ribbons. The same parts, present the same +difficulties, as to picturesque decoration. The progress of civilization +is also shown in the use of nose, lip, and ear-rings. The two former +have vanished from the fair faces of the West, but ear-rings still +remain as a link to bind us to the past, and though ankle rings have +disappeared except on the legs of French poodles, bangles are still +worn. + +As to the modesty of the Buccaneer's women. This is a delicate matter +and we pass over it with the remark that in this respect they would bear +favourable comparison with any of their neighbours, though their +language perhaps at times, and even their manners, left somewhat to be +desired. The modesty of a woman must not be treated lightly, for it is +to her, or should be, as a diadem studded with precious stones, and a +garment as lovely to behold as the mantle of our Creator when dipped in +Autumn's rich and ever varying colours. + +What for the most part attracted the eye of censure was the manner in +which the fashionable daughters of the Buccaneer dressed of an evening. +Then, in many cases, there was very little clothing on above the waist; +but ample amends were made by the length of the skirts, which trailed +many yards in the dirt behind. + +This display of what are usually called the charms of a woman, could not +have been from any base motive; for had such been the case the middle +aged and old, would not have indulged in the practice. There may be +something very attractive about the well-shaped neck and snow white +bosom of a young and pretty girl, when modesty is not altogether +outraged, but there can be nothing pleasing about too fleshy middle age, +or the skinny old. Besides had the desire been the base one of exciting +the worst of man's passions, the skirts of the fashionable dresses would +have been considerably shortened. A pretty foot and shapely ankle is +every bit as pleasing to the eye of man, as a naked bosom, though here +again the beefy heels of maturity, and the fleshless pegs of age must be +excepted. + +We rather see in the above fashion an innate modesty born in the female +breast, and we detect in it a disposition ever present to go back to the +far off past. To that time, when the clothing of our first mother was +conspicuous by its almost entire absence. It was all the more +commendable on the part of the Buccaneer's daughters to endeavour to +re-establish this early state of innocence, because his climate was dead +against the movement, and it says no little for the hardiness of his +women, who could thus lay bare so much of their bodies in a temperature +notoriously inclement, without suffering any ill effects. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + +There was a lively discussion going on now on board the old Ship of +State about the state of things in general. As to whether trade really +was depressed at home, and as to whether the Buccaneer's relations were +all as they should be abroad. + +The Port watch, who wanted to get charge of the old ship, swore that +things were at sixes and sevens. Their part of the press gang took of +course the same view, while the Starboard watch, headed by Dogvane, +declared with great zeal and certainty that things were never better. + +There was discontent even amongst the Starboard, or Dogvane's watch, +some of the hands, namely, the carpenter, the butcher, and the cook, +and, of course, the carpenter's mate, thinking that the old ship was out +of date, and much too slow for the times. The carpenter was for altering +her, and for cutting adrift the old hulk alongside. The cook was for +breaking the old ship up, and for building an entirely new one on lines +of his own. The new craft, he declared, would be a rapid sailer, very +easily managed and cheaply worked. These ideas grew and took root, and +were productive of certain fruit, as will be hereafter shown. + +When the captain of the Port watch drew the Buccaneer's attention to the +general, as he said, unsatisfactory state of things, old Dogvane shut +one eye--not his weather one--that was always open. "It does you +credit," he said, "it does you credit; but bless you, my master isn't +going to be taken in, in that way. It is a trick, sir; just a party +trick," he said, turning to the Buccaneer, who with his cox'sn was +standing on the quarter-deck, wondering, as was his custom, whom he was +to believe. + +The Port watch now began to abuse old Dogvane, and many of the long +shore hands freely damned him; but quite as many blessed him, and were +ready to crown him with laurels; but he was called by the Port watch a +double-dealing, sly, foxy, old fellow, who would commit any crime from +pitch-and-toss to manslaughter, though not a soul had ever seen him +indulging in either of these games. + +The carpenter declared that the Buccaneer's people were doing a rattling +trade in boots, shoes, and watches, while woollen stuffs were all up. +What a carpenter could know about such things it would be difficult to +say. Had it been nails, or screws, it would have been quite a different +thing; but on board the old ship a want of knowledge never kept a tongue +quiet. Indeed, under the system of a square man for a round hole, how +could it be otherwise? + +There was a lengthy and animated discussion on the matter, which Random +Jack, of whom mention has been made, took advantage of to scud up aloft +to the look-out tub. The shaking of the rigging woke up the man on duty, +who, from a matter of habit, sung out "All's well." + +Random Jack declared it was nothing of the sort, and he accused the +look-out man of being asleep. Then the middy hailed the deck. "Below +there!" he cried, "I see clouds in the East." This was a safe thing to +say, for there were always clouds there of some sort. He added, "Dust +and smoke show there is a heavy storm there. I see, too, a city in +flames, and people are being massacred." + +The Buccaneer turned upon old Dogvane, the captain of the watch on duty, +and asked him what all this meant. Dogvane was not in the least taken +aback, no good sailor ever is, so he said, "I cannot believe, sir, that +anything is going on in the East that should not be, because we have no +official information on the subject." It was a well known fact, that in +the Buccaneer's island, his official information was about the last that +was ever received. People often wondered what kind of an animal carried +his mail bags. Some said it must be a mule, or perhaps an ass. + +Dogvane, to reassure his master, hailed the mast-head, and asked the +look-out man how the old ship was heading. This was the usual way of +asking for information. The man on duty in the tub immediately placed +his official eye to the telescope, while he firmly closed the other, and +answered that the distant horizon was quite clear. Then he added, "Some +people are so precious sharp that they stand a chance of cutting +themselves." This sarcasm was levelled at Random Jack, but he treated it +with a contempt that was peculiar to him. + +When the little middy reached the deck he had a pretty tale to tell; but +the cook said it was a parcel of lies, that the other watch could +scarcely be believed on their oath, and this depravity very much +distressed him; for Pepper was an upright, and an honest man. Billy +Cheeks said that the young Tory Bantam, as he called him, was a deal too +fond of crowing, and that if he came within striking distance of his fly +flapper, he would take his meals standing for some considerable time. +The Ojabberaways on board were highly delighted at the prospect of a +row, for nothing they liked better than a free fight, and they were +always ready to join in any devilment that would cause the old gentleman +annoyance. + +Dogvane, seeing how things were going, delivered himself of one of those +speeches, for which he was celebrated. Having hitched up his trousers +fore and aft, like the good sailor that he was, he said: + +"All this stir, sir, is about nothing. As I said before it is just a +trick of the other side to shift watches. Clouds in the East? Of course +there are. It is the very place we generally look for them. I am +creditably informed that all our relations are for the most part +friendly, and taking into consideration how interfering and meddlesome +relations usually are, this must be considered highly satisfactory. At +home the bright sun of prosperity shines over all the land, while the +songs of a contented people rise up in a grand chorus to heaven." The +cook hearing this winked at the butcher, upon whose placid features +there was a smile of approval and self-satisfaction; but the good +impression left by the above beautiful language upon the mind of the +Buccaneer, was slightly clouded by a parting shot on the part of the +captain of the Port watch, who knew as well as Dogvane how to arouse +his master's suspicion. It could always be done by drawing attention to +what were said to be the ambitious designs of some old rival. Then our +Buccaneer from a state of indolent indifference, would often fly to the +opposite extreme and suffer something in the nature of a panic, under +the influence of which he would for the time being storm and rave. If he +could, he would make a scapegoat of some one. Perhaps he would kick his +watch on duty over the ship's side, and think to put all things straight +by lavishing his money upon every conceivable object. The fury of the +storm being over, he would again sink into his usual happy-go-lucky +state, and rest quietly until some one stirred him up again. As some +rusty old weathercock will not condescend to move for anything less than +a gale of wind, so it took a panic to rouse up this wealthy and +easy-going old gentleman. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + +In the East there dwelt at this time a mighty Bandit, Bruin by name. He +was an old rival of the Buccaneer. It is said that birds of a feather, +either do, or should flock together; but as a matter of fact it is +frequently found that they do not; the feather being too often a bone of +contention. People would have thought that these two celebrities, +following as they did the same profession, with the exception that one +pushed his trade more by sea, and the other more by land, would have +lived peacefully one with another; more especially as they were +separated by a wide tract of land and sea. Many old saws and sayings +would justify this belief; but the Bandit and the Buccaneer could not +hit it off together. The latter being quite a reformed, God-fearing and +respectable man, no doubt looked with horror upon the life that the +former was leading. It was strange too; because the Bandit was an +eminently pious, and Christian gentleman also; but he had not as yet +made his pile, which of course made all the difference; and his people, +though many of them were slaves, were beginning to be unruly. + +As to whether the Bandit was as cruel and as bad as he was said to be, +is open to doubt. It is well known that the devil is not as black as +what he is painted. Evil things were said even of the Ojabberaways, and +we know that once give a dog a bad name, and you may as well hang him, +or tie a string round his neck, and fling him into the nearest pond. +Some people no doubt would have gloried in seeing this Eastern Bandit +run up on the nearest tree; but then he required catching. + +Of the living why not be truthful? There seems to be a prevalent opinion +that this should be the case when we discuss the characters of our +enemies, and more especially of our friends to whom we can make amends +by saying nothing but what is good of them when they are dead. This old +sea king whose history we take a delight in relating, had as has been +shown a very quick eye for the shortcomings of his friends. Looking over +the heads of his own little peccadillos, he fixed his keen gaze upon +those of his neighbours, and no one could find out an act of robbery +sooner than could this Buccaneering trader; then his virtuous +indignation knew no bounds. + +It was indeed a belief of his, that most of his neighbours were +ambitious and designing, ever ready to feather their own nests at the +expense of other peoples. Yet they were all eminently religious, prayed +often, and professedly were all followers of the same great Master; but +they all slept in armour, and were ready on the slightest provocation to +fly at each other's throats. Our pious Buccaneer had learnt to look upon +the East as a sort of devil's playground, and the Bandit as the arch +fiend himself who he frequently thought was up to no good when the poor +gentleman was perhaps actually engaged in his devotions. + +The slightest allusion to the Eastern Bandit always alarmed him, so the +command was given on board the old Ship of State to pipe all hands, and +presently the bo'sn's whistle, followed by those of all his mates, +sounded merrily along the decks. Those below hurried up, while those on +shore hastened on board, and the scene was soon one of the liveliest. +Just as the last man tumbled over the ship's side, there was a great +commotion at the Port gangway, and on looking over, a very queer +powerfully made fellow was to be seen trying to get on board; but the +rest of the ship's company would not have him at any price. Pepper, the +cook, said the man was a friend of his, in fact, his mate; but Pepper +spoke to deaf ears; for the fellow would not swear, and it is a well +known fact that a seaman who will not swear cannot be a good sailor. +Several of the hands seized upon the intruder, and suiting an old rhyme +to the occasion, they commenced to sing-- + + "Here comes a queer man + Who will not say his prayers, + So we take him by his two legs + And chuck him down the stairs." + +And they did, much to honest Pepper's disgust, who rated and accused +them well for their trouble. The man himself as he swam ashore affirmed +that he would return and serve yet on board of the old ship. He kept his +word; was posted to Captain Dogvane's watch, and became very much +respected. + +As was their custom, the Ojabberaways tried very hard to monopolize the +whole of the conversation, with their numerous complaints, and they +swore most stoutly that not a stitch of business should the Buccaneer do +until they were given their independence and freed from the yoke of the +tyrant. When they were told that all was being done for them that could +in justice to all interests be done, one of them said, "Indeed a mighty +deal too much has been done; but in the wrong direction. We ask for our +freedom, and you give us a rope and bid us go hang." + +Here some one amongst the crew who apparently had caught a cold, +sneezed, this the Ojabberaways took as an additional insult upon their +unhappy country, and because the insult could not be withdrawn, they +created a great disturbance, to quell which, two or three of them had to +be thrown overboard. The ship thus lightened rode all the better, but +the cook said it was a sinful waste thus to sacrifice the Ojabberaways, +when there was the whole of the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber weighing the +old ship down by the stern. The discussion on board now took a lively +turn, upon an assertion which the carpenter had previously made about +boots and shoes being brisk. Some interested person declared that if the +trade was brisk the boots themselves were bad, as could be seen by the +Buccaneer's soldiers who were fighting in the East. + +All the fat was now put into the fire, and there was a heated argument +as to whether the Buccaneer was or was not engaged in warlike +operations. There ought to have been no doubt about such a thing, but +there was. It was also asserted that the rascally contractor was at his +old game of starving both men and animals, or giving them bad food, and +so amassing a large fortune and qualifying himself for promotion to the +Buccaneer's Upper Chamber. + +The Buccaneer turned for information to his trusty Captain Dogvane. +"How is this, Master Dogvane?" he asked, "I thought you said my +relations abroad were all good." + +"Sir," replied the captain, "ever since the old Ship of State was built +have there been these differences of opinion, and God forbid that it +should be otherwise; it will be an evil day for my master when his +watches take so little interest in his affairs as to cease to have wordy +battles over them." + +"But, Master Dogvane, whom am I to believe?" + +"A straightforward question, sir, demands a straightforward reply. +Believe in me." + +At this there were loud jeers from the other watch, and many voices were +heard to say: "Believe in him and he will run you pretty soon into shoal +water." + +"Aye! aye!" cried Dogvane, "the same old cry. I have been man and boy on +board this old craft for many a long year, and these hands have held the +helm and so the old ship rides safe and sound. Her bluff old bows riding +superior to every storm. Have not gales and hurricanes swept over these +decks, and yet she has risen superior to all? Some say the old craft +alongside is in shallow water, and yet she seems peaceful and safe +enough." + +Here Random Jack said the captain was, as usual, drifting from the +point. + +"Of course, my little man, you must have your say. It was you that first +set this ball a-rolling; but hurry no man's cattle is a safe cry. I was +merely clearing my decks, as it were, for action." + +Upon being pressed, Dogvane was obliged to admit that he was engaged in +operations of a warlike nature; but he went into so many subtle +distinctions as to the different kinds of warfare that nobody could +follow him. He swore that in the footsteps of the other watch followed +gratuitous and unprovoked war. "We are not now at war," he cried in +great warmth, "though I will not say that we are not engaged in some +kind of military operations which, however, though offensive in form are +purely defensive in essence." Dogvane being apparently afraid lest he +should be called upon for an explanation turned the conversation by +appealing to a weak part in his master's nature, namely, his religion. + +"Can we ever forget," he said, "the Divine Master we follow? Can we +forget the principles of peace he taught us? The operations I am now +engaged in are only a part of that terrible inheritance that the other +watch left me." This of course brought down a storm upon him from the +other watch. "My aim," he continued, "ever has been to maintain a +friendly footing with all your neighbours, and by keeping them in union +together to neutralize, fetter, and bind up the selfish aims of each." + +"And the result of your labours," cried the captain of the Port Watch, +"has been to estrange our master from all his friends and to land him in +incessant troubles. Have you not bombarded a friend's town?" he added, +"have you not massacred his people?" + +Dogvane could not altogether deny this, so he said: "It is true that a +few forts have been knocked down, but they were better down than up; and +a few people have no doubt been killed, but what of that? Accidents will +happen in the very best regulated undertakings." + +Thus did the argument continue to the utter confusion of the bold +Buccaneer who cast his eyes towards the Church Hulk alongside, and he +inwardly wished that all was as peaceful and secure as it seemed to be +there; but scarcely had the thought crossed his mind than a great hubbub +rose up and the sound of controversy became loud. All eyes were turned +towards the Church Hulk, and many feared they were about to witness one +of those religious disputes which occasionally are so bitter and even +disastrous. Some thought it must at least be a mutiny. Considerable +relief was felt when it was found upon inquiry that it was nothing more +serious than a discussion as to the shape and colour of the vestments in +which our Creator was to be worshipped in, and a rival sect nearly came +to blows over the form of an ecclesiastical hat. All this seemed +strange, because the Church Hulk professed to sail by orders which said: +"Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall +drink, nor yet for your body what ye shall put on." + +If people squabble amongst themselves it soon becomes known, and it soon +began to be noised abroad that the Buccaneer's Church Hulk was in +danger, both from jealousy without and the want of Christian charity and +brotherly love within. It is certain that some of the crew of the Ship +of State had their eyes upon her, and it got rumoured abroad that some +fine morning people would wake up to find she had either slipped her +moorings or been cut adrift. But has not this rumour ever been a lying +rascal and a fit lieutenant for the devil himself? + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + +The Buccaneer paced the deck of his old ship in a thoughtful manner. +Suddenly he stopped and addressed his captain. "Dogvane," he said, "I +have trusted you; beware lest you deceive me." + +"Sir," said the captain, "the man who would deceive so good and great a +master would be base indeed." + +"Is all this true that the other watch have said about my ships? Am I in +the wretched state they say? Where has gone all my money?" + +"Master, allow not the idle shafts of the Port Watch to trouble you. +They are greedy of office, and to gain their ends, they magnify some +things and totally misrepresent others. Believe not what they said about +your ships and about your trade. Bloated armaments, sir, are a source of +danger; exciting the fear, jealousy, and suspicions of your neighbours; +draining your exchequer, and feeding like a foul canker upon the fair +flower of your industries. You are no longer a bold Buccaneer, sailing +the seas in search of plunder. You are no land stealer. The object of +your life is not now to carry fire and sword into your neighbour's +country. You are a respectable trader, peaceful and industrious, a +Christian, with religious principles to act up to." + +"Yes, Master Dogvane; but there are those about, who, if I am not ready +to protect my own, will save me the trouble." + +"Sir, it is not right to have so base an opinion of the world; but your +armaments are fully equal to all your needs." + +"In this, Master Dogvane, I must perforce believe you. But how about +that rascal Bruin? He has committed depredations in the past. He is a +grasping fellow too, and I have my suspicions that there may be some +truth in what I hear. He may be casting sheep's eyes at my fair Indian +Princess." + +"So long as they are only sheep's eyes, sir, where is the harm? The lamb +which is the forerunner of the sheep is the emblem of peace. Suspicion, +my master, is the attribute of either a base or weak mind, and is +unworthy of you. The Eastern Bandit I have always found a pious and +truthful man; only requiring to be known to be appreciated. Honest too, +as times go; but awkward when vexed." + +We must leave the Buccaneer in the hands of his skilful captain and take +a turn ashore. The Port Watch having collected crowds of idlers +addressed them on the general depressed state of affairs, and they found +ready listeners. No one considers himself so well off but that he wants +something more. There was a general and continued cry out against the +foreign cheap-Jacks. The blackguards who take advantage of every breath +of discontent to preach their doctrine of universal plunder had merry +times, and their tongues wagged at the street corners, in the parks, and +other public places. These fellows had a following, for they held up +before the eyes of the poor a picture of plenty, while the criminals saw +in them instruments to help them on in their trade. The sound of their +many voices surged up like the angry roar of wild beasts in some distant +jungle. + +But now all eyes were turned towards the old Ship of State, for a sight +was to be seen that had not been seen in the memory of living man +before. It was nothing more nor less than the portly form of the old +Buccaneer struggling with difficulty up the rigging, and behind him came +the lithesome form of old Dogvane; both of them were evidently bound for +the crow's nest, below which the legs of the look-out man could be seen +hanging like the legs of some huge stork. + +There was a look of anxiety on the captain's face, as though he feared +the consequences of that climb up aloft. It might upset the gravity of +so portly an old gentleman as his master had grown to be, and he might +look at things with a temper somewhat clouded by anger. Then the +look-out man might be found asleep at his post. That some such thoughts +occupied old Dogvane's mind was evident, for, making some excuse, he +passed his master in the rigging and hurried to the top. The man in the +tub was so lost in his own meditations that he did not see the captain +enter; but a kick startled him, and he cried, "Look out!" "I am going +to," was Dogvane's reply. He then added: "Now, look alive, my hearty, +and show me the official slides." + +The Buccaneer arrived in the top, puffing and blowing and quite +exhausted, for it was a stiff climb for one so stout. He was breathless, +and his face was as ruddy as the setting sun. As he sat swabbing +himself, as the sailors would say, he heard the murmurs of the crowd +down below on shore rising up. "What noise is that?" he asked of the +captain. + +"That, sir, is the lowing of your many herds," was the reply. Dogvane +was a ready man. + +Now, when the people on shore had recovered from their first surprise, +their tongues began to wag freely. + +"At last!" cried one, "the old man is roused; now we shall see what +happens." + +"Not much, my mate," cried a second, "don't you see old Dogvane is up +aloft too." Of course this was either a Port watchman, or one with Port +watch sympathies. + +"It is a pity," cried a third, "that the old gentleman did not mount +aloft before and take a look round for himself; then he would have seen +how things were going on. For, drat my buttons if you can believe any of +these land lubbers below." + +"Ah! it's all very well to talk," said another, "but the old gentleman +is not so active as he used to be. Prosperity has made him lazy too, and +good living has made him thick in the wind." + +"There is life in the old man yet," cried another. And so it went on +through the crowd. Several levelled their telescopes at the mast head of +the old ship, and there were general regrets at the apparent absence of +the Buccaneer's old coxswain, for the people believed in him. There was +now what bid fair, at one time, to end in a general free fight between +partisans of the two watches, and of course the Ojabberaways were quite +ready to join in, for wherever heads were to be broken there they were +sure to be; but a peaceful turn was given to the affair by Random Jack +jumping upon an empty beer barrel and declaring, as he took off his +jacket, that he was ready to meet in single combat, any man double his +size of the Starboard Watch, and bid any one who liked to carry his +challenge on board, either to the cook or to Billy Cheeks, the burly +butcher. + +"Listen to the lad!" the people cried and laughed; but no one took up +the challenge. + +"Well, my mates," cried an old salt, "let us wait and see what comes of +it all. For my part I doubt much good, with old Dogvane up there too." + +"What can he do, pray, if the old man takes a look for himself?" said +another. + +"What can he do?" cried Random Jack. "Look here, my hearties; that is a +difficult question to answer when old Bill is concerned. For there is +little he can't do, and there is not a trick or a dodge that that old +fox is not up to. Why, he would get the weather side of the devil +himself. Now, listen to me, my lads. Ah! it's all very well for you +slavish followers of old Dogvane to put your tongues in your cheeks and +flout and jeer, but those laugh in the end who win, and my merriment is +yet to come. Now I will tell you what old Dogvane will do. He will make +our master look through the wrong end of the telescope, or he will put +in coloured lenses, or glasses with pictures painted on them, or he will +do something to deceive; and whatever he does his crew will swear it is +right, more especially the cook, the carpenter, and the burly butcher; +but I have my eyes upon them; and I will smoke them out yet." + +People laughed out right at these bold words of the little middy's. Many +of the old salts said the boy would grow into no ordinary man, and that +if he lived he would achieve great things. This Random Jack fully +believed himself; and perseverance as is well known conquers all things. +It is only necessary to be constantly dinning into the ears of people +our own particular merits, and in time the most obstinate will give in +and take you at your own valuation. In no other way can very much of +the success we see in the world be accounted for. + +If you are an impostor, the course of events may perhaps find you out, +but it is hard to overthrow even a humbug when once fully established, +and if he is knocked over he is sure to retain some of his followers and +believers, who will worship him as a martyr, and he may even finish up +by being canonized as a saint. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + +The look-out place at the mast head of the old Ship of State had many +names, and amongst the rest it was called the owl's nest. This bird is +sagacious looking; but by some people it is considered stupid, though +perhaps rats, and mice, and other like vermin, think he is sharp enough +for them. From this point of vantage Dogvane was bidding his master to +behold the bright things that lay beneath him. "Look around you," he +said, "and your eyes will rest upon a beautiful picture; upon fields of +golden corn bending their heads ready for the sickle of the reaper; upon +pastures well stocked with flocks and herds and upon a contented and a +happy people." Just as the Buccaneer was stooping down to adjust his eye +to the telescope, Dogvane very deftly slipped in, as the clever little +middy had said he would, a slide beautifully painted with rural scenes, +for what he had said existed only in his imagination, for a good deal of +the land was lying fallow. The Buccaneer seemed lost in wonder and +admiration, and was silent; but Dogvane kept talking all the time. +Conjurors always do this to distract the attention of their audience, +otherwise their imposition might be found out. "Your eyes rest, sir," +the captain said, "upon a peaceful scene; no one would think that all +those quiet looking villages, with their churches, stand over the bones +of dead pirates." The Buccaneer did not like this allusion to his past +life so he said: + +"Master Dogvane! there are but few men that have not had their early +indiscretions. Even the very best of us in looking back wish some things +undone. Many a saint has commenced life as a sinner; then let the dead +past be buried, and often the greater the sinner the greater the saint. +The first public act of Moses was a murder." + +Dogvane took advantage of this diversion to slip in another slide. +"Behold!" he cried, "your happy villages, with their churches, nestling +in amongst the trees. Behold your towns and cities, the monuments of +your industry and intelligence! See the tall tapering chimneys rising +far into the murky sky. Look down, my master; look down at your rivers +thickly studded with innumerable ships." Dogvane said not a word about +the nationality of those ships. He did not tell his master that they +belonged, a good many of them, to the innumerable cheap-Jacks that +infested the shores. + +"Dogvane!" cried the Buccaneer, as he wiped the small glass of his +telescope, "I see chimneys enough; but I see no smoke coming from them. +They seem to me to be mute monuments raised to a dead industry." The +artist had quite forgotten to put the smoke in. Perhaps he painted from +nature--some artists do. Dogvane was quite equal to the occasion, "We +compel all your subjects, sir, to consume their own smoke." + +This of course was not the case, if it had been, the Buccaneer's people +would not have had to live at times in a gloom that made mid-day +scarcely distinguishable from midnight. + +Do I accuse a high official; a man whose character was as that of the +wife of Cæsar, of not adhering to the truth? + +Heaven forbid, that we should be so profane. But even truth at times +must be suppressed, and though this may be considered by the +straight-laced and sickly minded to be lying by implication, it is not +so. It is done in the very best and most pious society; and in a high +state of civilization it is absolutely necessary; because truth hurts +the feelings of the refined. + +The tinkling of many bells rose up on the air, and hovered for a while +over the crow's nest. "What sound is that?" asked the Buccaneer. "The +bell wethers, sir, ringing out their glad tidings of large and +multiplying flocks." It was nothing of the sort. It was the muffin man +going his constant and monotonous rounds. + +"Listen, sir!" exclaimed Dogvane in high glee, "to the merry, but +perfectly unintelligible cry of your happy costermongers. From dewy morn +till dewy eve they vend their wares." + +"If their cry, Master Dogvane, is unintelligible, why allow them to +disturb the quiet of my people?" + +"For all that I do, sir, there is a goodly reason. One of the favourite +cries of our enemies is that we are revolutionists, up-setters, and +destroyers of cherished customs. We refute this base slander by pointing +to your costermongers. Here is a time-honoured institution that we have +left untouched, and if the merry voice of the costermonger is to be +silenced the guilt shall be on the head of the Port Watch, for old Bill +Dogvane will have nothing to do with it." After this burst of +impassioned eloquence the captain of the Starboard Watch wiped a +glistening tear from his eye, took a little time to get his breath and +then continued: "Look at your sanitary arrangements! In a matter of +drains you have not an equal." + +"All this is very well, Master Dogvane, and at home things may be sound +enough; but how about my neighbours?" + +"Your neighbours, sir? oh! I am credibly informed that in a matter of +drains they are not good. I believe they have none; or if they have, I +have no official information on the subject." + +"Confound their drains, man! How do I stand with them?" Saying this, the +Buccaneer turned his glass to distant parts. Dogvane tried very hard to +distract the attention of his master, so that he could turn the +telescope round until the small end might be where the big end ought to +be; but he had no opportunity; neither had he any foreign slides. This +was an oversight, and Dogvane was disconcerted. He tried to persuade his +master by all manner of devices, not to trouble himself about other +people's affairs. Told him that he was looked upon with jealousy, as all +great and good men are; but that he ought to be too wise to mind what +people said. + +This rather flattered the Buccaneer's vanity. So long as he was feared +and respected that was all he cared for. This was not right from a +Christian point of view; but we must not expect too much; for the flesh +is at all times weak, and man has been endowed with certain qualities +that will occasionally assert themselves. Was not the Hulk alongside the +old Ship of State, the custodian of all Christian principles? Would you +find charity and humility reigning supreme there? Good people all, +beneath the priestly frock there sometimes beats a hard and unforgiving +heart. Saint Chrysostom was a godly but outspoken man; one of strong +convictions. He expressed an opinion that in his day the number of +bishops who might be saved bore a very small proportion to those who +would be damned. We live in better times, and the balance now would be +no doubt against the devil. At least let us be charitable, and hope so. + +The Buccaneer kept his gaze fixed upon the East, and Dogvane was not +experiencing an ecstasy of delight. Presently his master cried, "Eh! +what is that I see?" Dogvane seized the glass and placed his eye to the +hole, "It is nothing, sir, but a dust storm. Such things are of frequent +occurrence in the East, and very trying and disagreeable they are to +those who have to live there. This is no doubt what that youngster, +Random Jack, made such a fuss about." + +"But who is kicking up the dust?" the Buccaneer demanded. Dogvane ran +through a number of common and ordinary causes for such things, which +however did not seem to satisfy his master, who said to the captain's +surprise, "Dust storm, or no dust storm, Master Dogvane, I am going to +take a look there myself. There is no knowing but what the Bandit of the +East may be behind that cloud." + +"Ah! the old scare!" muttered Dogvane. "Down on deck and pipe my yacht's +crew away!" cried the Buccaneer as he prepared to descend. Dogvane was +for making a thousand excuses, the manufacturing of which was to him a +matter of the greatest ease. But it was of no use, and so down he went +to comply with his master's bidding. He was still more horrified when he +learnt that it was his master's intention to make a few calls on his +neighbours on his way to the East. + +"What do you want to leave home for now, sir, when all your people are +so happy and comfortable?" Dogvane asked as he went down through the +lubbers' hole. + +"And what better time, pray, could I choose?" + +"But your neighbours may not like to be taken thus unceremoniously?" +Dogvane said as he began to descend. + +"A friend, Master Dogvane, is always welcome, and by our reception we +shall see in what estimation we are held." + +"But, sir," cried Dogvane, looking up from the rigging. + +"But me, no buts, Master Dogvane, but do as you are told; so down you +go." + +Dogvane seemed to have lost somewhat of his alacrity, for he took a +terrible long time in reaching the deck, and kept up a running +accompaniment to his thoughts, which, however, was not loud enough to be +heard, and therefore cannot be recorded; though it is safe enough to +assume that so good a man made use of no bad language. Something +evidently troubled the old captain's mind, for when the two of them +reached the deck, he said, "Master, you must not listen to everything +you hear against the great Bandit of the East. People are not all honey +behind your back. In the past you have ever been too ready to draw the +sword, following the example of those who fight first, and argue +afterwards." + +"Because, Master Dogvane, experience has taught me that if you thrash +your enemy first he is the more amenable to reason." + +"That, honoured sir, was all very well in an uncivilized and barbarous +age. When the mind was not open to reason, and when the manners had not +been softened by Christianity, then the sword was, no doubt, a good +major premise; but now, sir, it should never be drawn except through +dire necessity. In a just and good cause I am ready to shed my last drop +of blood for you." + +"Nobly said, Dogvane! nobly said!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, as he +slapped old Dogvane in an approving manner on the back, thereby nearly +knocking all the wind out of his body. + +"But, mind you, master," Dogvane said, "I must be assured that the cause +is just. An appeal to arms should only take place when the noble art of +diplomacy has failed. Then, sir, by all manner of means draw the sword." + +"Master Dogvane; tell me what is Diplomacy?" asked the Buccaneer. + +"Diplomacy, sir, is the polished and courteous method that one nation +has of conducting business with another." + +"To my mind, Master Dogvane, it is the polished method by which one +nation tries very often to overreach another. Strip it of its courtly +paraphernalia and you often find this Diplomacy to be a lying, +intriguing, cheating, and unprincipled rascal, that every honest man +ought to shun. Look you! it has been said that by this self-same +Diplomacy I have lost a good deal of what I have won in fair and open +fight." + +Dogvane sighed over his master's want of enlightenment. But he knew too +well that in his present mood he was not to be reasoned with, so what +could a poor sailor do? What cannot be cured must be endured. Dogvane +felt assured that everything was to be put down to the fallacious +teachings of the Port Watch, and had he not been the pious man that he +was he would undoubtedly have damned all their knavish tricks, if +nothing else. + +The cook, the butcher, and the carpenter, could see that something was +amiss by the troubled look upon their captain's face, so they were not +at all surprised to hear the bo'sn's whistle pipe the crew of the bold +Buccaneer's royal yacht away; to be one of the crew of which was +esteemed a great distinction, as it was a sure road to preferment. The +cook only hoped the old man, meaning the Buccaneer, was not going to +make a fool of himself; but he had his doubts, of course. Had the +sagacious and learned Pepper been one of the party to give his master +the benefit of his advice it would have been a different matter +altogether. + +But where is the old cox'sn all this time. Is the Buccaneer going to +make his round of calls without his right-hand man? + +Good people all, the cox'sn was on shore moving about amongst the +people, doing good after his humble fashion, wherever he could. He did +not always accompany his master, more is the pity; but the truth must be +told. He could not at all times get on with Captain Dogvane, and old +Jack Commonsense was not much of a traveller. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + +Just as the Buccaneer was about to start upon his round of calls, the +snowy white sails of a large ship were to be seen gliding, as it seemed, +over the fields that hemmed in his principal river; the hull of the +stranger being hidden by a bend. From her mast-head flew a star-spangled +banner, and the well-known strains of Yankee Doodle came floating up on +the southerly breeze. "Ah!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, "Here comes +Jonathan, our cheap-Jack cousin: been home to refit and reload I +suppose." Presently a long black hull with a good sheer forward came, as +it were, out of the low lying land below the city. + +In days long gone by, such a suspicious looking craft would have made +the bold Buccaneer beat to quarters, when out would have gone his guns, +but times had greatly changed, and pirates of the open and declared type +were not to be seen on Western waters. The black flag with death's head +and cross-bones is never boldly run up now to the mast-head as in the +good brave days of old. It frightens people. So all robberies both on +sea and land are done under more respectable looking flags; and very +much more genteelly. No walking the plank, no running up to the yard +arm. Now a whole crew are sent to the bottom of the sea at a single +shot, and there is an end of them. + +The stranger finding a comfortable berth, rounded to, as sailors say. +Splash went her anchor, rattle, rattle went her chain. Down came the +yards, clewlines and buntlines were well manned, and up went the snowy +sails. The nimble seaman scudded up aloft, and rolled up the canvas, and +everything was trimmed down, and hauled taught, and his yards squared in +proper ship-shape fashion. "Bravo, Jonathan!" cried the Buccaneer. +"Nearly as well done as I could have done it myself. True chip of the +old block; eh! Dogvane?" + +"Yes, sir: and at driving a bargain, or getting the better of a friend, +our Jonathan has not an equal." + +Presently a boat impelled by lusty arms and hands shot round the stern +of the old ship, and brought up alongside, and a tall lanky fellow with +a big pack on his back stepped on deck. In an easy tone of familiarity +he saluted the old Buccaneer. "Wa'al, old hoss, how are things with +you?" + +"Pretty well, Jonathan; pretty well," replied the Buccaneer. + +"Glad to hear it; heard things wasn't quite O.K. Ever taste O.K. +bitters? No! Wa'al, they would just revive a corpse, O.K. bitters would, +you bet. Let us deal," he said as he took his pack off, and began laying +his merchandise out on the deck. "I say, Boss, could you make it +convenient to have this aire stream of yours widened? It puts me more in +mind of one of our drains than anything else." + +The old Buccaneer was highly indignant at his principal river being +spoken of in such a disrespectful manner, and he replied with much +dignity: "My river, Master Jonathan, is good enough for me, and if it is +too narrow for other people, they can stay away." + +"No offence, Boss, no offence. It does look small after our Mississippi, +that would be an eye-opener for you, old hoss. But this ain't business. +Now, here we have a lozenge that will cure anything, from a cough to a +broken leg. Here's a pill fit to physic creation. Honest sailor," he +said, addressing Dogvane, "try this pill. It will make your hair stand +on end. Take a box for the sake of your family. Each pill is worth a +pound, let you have a whole box for one shilling and a penny ha'penny. +You have a son, a hopeful boy, give him a pill, if not a pill, try him +with this pickle, it will sharpen his understanding and make him a +credit to his family. Just you ask who cured Stonewall Jackson?" Dogvane +declared he did not want anything; but Jonathan still cried up his +wares. "Try this cocktail before going to bed, it will make your teeth +curl. Talking about teeth; in teeth I guess we're tall. Now here is a +set that one of your ecclesiastical big guns has asked God's blessing +on, and they're up a quarter dollar accordingly." + +"Jonathan!" the Buccaneer said, "I have long wished to have a little +private conversation with you." + +"All right, Boss, I thought something was up, chuck it off your chest, +whatever it is, it will relieve you." + +"I don't think it either neighbourly, or friendly, Jonathan, on your +part to harbour people who plot against my life and property." + +"What! Have you found out, old hoss, that snakes bite! You've harboured +a good deal of vermin in your day, and you can't blame me for doing what +you have done yourself. No, Sirree, that cock won't fight. Why, you've +given an asylum to the cut-throat rascals of every nation under the sun, +and when you could not find room for them, you have sent them over to +me." + +"I have only given an asylum, Jonathan, to the oppressed." + +"That is only one way of looking at it, Boss. Too fine a name for a +fellow with a bowie knife up his sleeve, and a six-shooter in his +pocket; if he cries 'hands up,' old man, where are you? But this ain't +business, honest sailor," here he again addressed Dogvane. "Buy this +baby jumper for the missis. It will rock your child to sleep, wake it in +the morning, wash it, dress it, slap it and feed it, and all for a few +dollars. You have a son? No father of a family should be without this +article." Then turning to the Buccaneer he said, "I reckon my gals are +leaving your gals standing. They are just taking away all the cream of +your men. Now, here's a notion, that may be will mend matters, try a +cargo of these patent palpitating bosoms. They are warranted to go; they +are as natural as life, and ever so much more convenient, for they can +be taken off at night and put on in the morning. They never increase, +and not like some cheap kind of article, you never see them under the +shoulder, at the back, instead of in their proper places in front; buy a +pair on trial." + +"Stay, Master Jonathan, let us settle one thing at a time. Is it right +for you to let the Ojabberaways hatch their infernal plots against me in +your country?" + +"Look here, old hoss, the Ojabberaways are blowers; then let them blow. +It satisfies the darned skunks, and it don't hurt you. It aint safe in +these high pressure times to sit upon your safety-valve. Let 'em blow +off." + +"I don't mind their blowing off, Jonathan; but I object to the skunks, +as you call them, blowing up. As for blowing off; why, my parks and +public places, are regular blow-holes, where democrats, demagogues, +socialists, and blasphemers may, and do, howl themselves hoarse." + +"It don't seem to me, old hoss, that you are altogether boss of your +show. You are trying to run your ryal car on a democratic gauge, and +you'll either run off the track or you'll bust your biler. But this +ain't business, won't you buy? Honest sailor, here's a knife that will +lick creation; and here's a watch--I reckon we are pretty big in +watches. This child of nature is just leaving the rest of the world +standing." Jonathan seeing that he could do no business, said, as he +packed up his things: "Trade does seem dull; but I'll just look round +shore. This island of yours is so darned small, and your cliffs are so +high, that it is dangerous to walk after nightfall. You should just come +over to our side of the water; you'd see something like a patch of land, +you bet." Jonathan went forward to see if he could do any business +amongst the crew. The carpenter wanted to deal with him in nails; then +the cook wanted to clear out the Buccaneer's lumber-room; and the +packman said that for a duke or two, or a couple of lords he would +spring some dollars; for that he had none in his country, and +accordingly they were very highly esteemed. He did love a lord. Then he +wanted to exchange a dozen brow-beating barristers for one incorruptible +judge; but the cook, the carpenter, and Billy Cheeks, the butcher, all +said, that of brow-beating barristers, their old man had enough and to +spare, and they could not part with any of their judges. As the +cheap-Jack went over the ship's side, he said he had, he feared, +mistaken the latitude and longitude, for he thought by the way things +were going, he must be in the neighbourhood of Jerusalem. When he got +ashore he had still greater reason for thinking this, for the Hebrew +element was so strong that he declared there was little chance of an +honest man getting a living. Many of the Jews tried to modernize their +names, but do what they would, they could not change their natures. + +Just as Jonathan, the packman, was stepping into his boat, the cook +looked through one of the port-holes and asked him if he had any need +for the Buccaneer's lion. Jonathan said he thought the animal was not +sound, but the cook declared that he was; only a little out of wind, +having done a good deal of roaring in his day. Jonathan offered in +exchange a skunk, which he declared was a most useful and valuable +animal, respected alike by friends and enemies; but they could not deal. + +Soon the voice of the cheap-Jack was heard mingling with the others on +shore. The Ojabberaways, though they bought little, and sold still less, +received a good many of Jonathan's almighty dollars, and as long as they +lasted they were likely enough to love him and be friends. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + +The clack, clack of a windlass was heard one fine morning sounding over +the waters of the river that hurried by the Buccaneer's chief city. +Alas! the merry songs of his seamen, as they hove in the slack of their +chains was no longer to be heard. Their cheering "Yo, heave ho!" was but +a faint memory of the past. No cloud of sails was spread to catch the +breath of the north wind; but the vessel moved stealthily down the +river, leaving behind her a muddy wake and above a long winding black +serpent of smoke. + +Great changes had come over this old Buccaneer. Neither he, nor his +ships were anything like what they were in the good old past. The past +that we are always looking back to with such loving and longing eyes. +Those huge wooden castles that had borne his flag to so many victories +had been towed long ago to their last moorings. But ah! things change, +and mountains even, if not moved by faith, are constantly being altered +by that persistent worker, time. People looked back with regret to those +grand old wooden walls, with their tier upon tier of guns; but it was +all in vain. Science had condemned them. Amidst all the change that was +constantly going on, there was one thing on board of the old Ship of +State that bound the Buccaneer to the past. She was still impelled by +wind, and consequently was not a rapid sailer. The Church Hulk alongside +her, was also propelled in a similar manner, but considering the gales +of wind that sometimes swept her decks she was a slow mover. + +Away went the Buccaneer in his steam yacht, old Dogvane, of course, +being at the helm. The cox'sn, however, for reasons already mentioned, +was left behind. The captain's face did not wear an expression of +happiness, but then he was one of those who take their pleasures +seriously, and sometimes even in a melancholy manner; and often when he +looked his saddest he was enjoying himself most. To judge from +appearances, people might be pardoned if they thought that he and his +master were bent upon some mournful errand, such as the burying of some +dear departed friend. + +But to return to the wonder-stricken people who lined the shore. Many +were the questions asked and many were the answers given. Though our +brave old Buccaneer hated anything secret, more especially in other +people, yet he himself conducted all his public affairs by a secret +council; being driven to do so, perhaps, by necessity. Then the reason +for this sudden and somewhat mysterious departure was left open to all +kinds of conjecture, some saying one thing, some another. + +"What is in the wind now?" asked one. "Is the old man steering for peace +or for war?" + +"Ah!" cried another, "perhaps his spirit is at last aroused. Heaven only +knows he has slept long enough!" + +"The barking of curs, my lads," said a third, "does not disturb the +slumber or the dignity of a bull-dog. Fighting, mates, it may be; for +those who won't fight will fall." + +The young hands looked hopeful and the hot blood mounted to their +cheeks, for they had heard and read of fights by sea and land, and of +the doughty deeds done by their forefathers, and they longed, too, for +the fray. There was life in these young sea whelps yet. It was said that +the wanton, Luxury, had touched them gently with the velvet tips of her +fingers, but so far she had not taken away their manhood and put them to +lie on downy beds scented with the perfume of flowers. No, no, she had +not gone as far as that, and though the Buccaneer's women, some of them, +had become masculine, his men had not surrendered up their position to +them just yet. + +The young expressed their hopes, the old men shook their heads. The +Ojabberaways were wild with delight, and hoped that their tyrant master, +as they called him, would get so embroiled that they might have a chance +of shaking themselves free. Then, as many thought, there would be merry +times indeed for those who lived in the green and fertile isle of the +West. + +The Ojabberaways now behaved themselves in a manner so peculiarly their +own, that there was every prospect of a free fight. The leaders, or paid +patriots as they were called, took up a strong position, behind whatever +natural objects presented themselves, and from these points of vantage +they commenced pelting their opponents with strong personal abuse. Of +this they always kept a large supply ready on hand. Wise counsels +prevailed, and the blood of the young Buccaneers was cooled down, and so +a row was avoided and all attention was again directed to the head of +the family and his doings. "Mates!" cried one sturdy fellow, "it's not +for fighting he has gone with Captain William Dogvane on board. More +likely he has gone to beg some person's pardon for some idle words +spoken, or may be he's gone to hand over some patch of land that we got +in fair and open fight. But let that pass, conscience becomes tender as +a man grows old." + +Here a square built old sailor with a patch over his left eye, and who +was minus an arm and a leg cried out, "Who would spill his blood and +stand the chance of being knocked on the head, if he thought that all he +got in fair and open fight was to be given back, because a tender +conscience pules and whines. Look at me, mates! The glim of one of my +skylights is dousted, and is battened down for ever. My timber too I've +lost, and have I been lopped of my branches for nothing? All, forsooth, +because an old man's conscience pricks. Damme, lads! there's no justice +in the like o' that. Do our neighbours give up what they have grabbed? +not they; more likely to put the pistol to your head, as in days of old, +and cry out, 'Stand and deliver?' That's the way of the world, mates, +and we must not set up to be better than other folk. Haven't I a vested +interest in the old man's conquests to the extent of one arm, a leg and +an eye? Then damme, make all fast, say I!" + +Another said, "The old Buccaneer is more fitted now to carry the staff +of a pilgrim than the pistol and cutlass of a pirate." + +"Vast heaving, my mates," cried a voice from the crowd, "no hard names +if you please. Our master's buccaneering days are over, and there is +something so unsavoury about the name of a pirate, lads, that the word +is now never used in good society. As to whether any little bit of +business in that way is done on the sly, it is not for us to say. The +wise man's eye is not always open; but his mouth, my hearties, is +generally shut, so let us wait and see what comes of our master's +peregrination." This was all that the old coxswain contributed at this +particular part of the proceedings. + +The Port Watch said there was no remedy for anything, but a shift of +watches. Some even advocated a sudden raid on the old Ship, and by +taking her by surprise to effect their purpose. Random Jack was for +doing this, and he declared his readiness to lead the assault, and his +courage was very much applauded, and not at all doubted. He was becoming +a great favourite amongst the people, who had still so much of the old +stuff left in them that they could appreciate pluck in any one. Just as +they were going to put their plan to the trial, a soft sound of music +came over the water. Music, it is known, has charms to soothe. Some +uncovered their heads reverently for they thought it was the evening +song coming from the old Church Hulk; but they were all very much +disappointed when they found out that it was only the cook accompanying +himself on his barrel organ to a hymn strung to his own praise. + +This showed that the watch were not asleep. At the same time a spark, as +bright as a diamond, rested, as it were, on the bulwark of the old Ship +of State. This was caused by the rays of the setting sun impinging upon +the glass eye of the carpenter. The burly butcher, fly flapper in hand, +all ready for action, could also be seen. This made Random Jack +thoughtful. Random Jack remembered the butcher's instrument of torture +and he rubbed a part that had been more than once affected, and as he +did so, he said that in his opinion things were not quite ripe for +action, so the assault fell through, and the old Ship was allowed to +ride peacefully at anchor. Hereupon the old coxswain took the +opportunity of delivering an oration. "Mates!" he said, "let us do +nothing rashly. Hasty actions often require much time for repentance. +If so be that you can shift watches by fair means, do so; but give old +Bill Dogvane a fair chance. He is an old hand, and an able steersman, +and he has weathered many a storm." There was now a great outcry against +the coxswain; he was called a traitor; a follower of Bill's; a carpet +bag full of old wives' sayings; a bladder full of wind and such like +things; one who, if he was struck on one cheek, would turn the other. +All this abuse got old Jack Commonsense's back up, as the saying is, and +whipping out an oath or two, he exclaimed: "Damme mates! I hope as how I +am as good a Christian as the best of you, and as ready as any of you to +do my duty to my God and my neighbour; but the man who strikes me, +damme! I strike him back, or my name is not Jack Commonsense. Look you +now: do you think if any of you blustering, railing lubbers, were to +board the old Church Hulk there and strike, say, the High Priest on one +cheek, that he would straightway turn the other? If you think so, go and +try the experiment; I, for one, ain't agoing to. Mates! have we ever +fought our enemies, that our clergy, God bless them! did not bless us, +and pray for us? And while we fought with sword and pistol did they not +fight for us with their spiritual weapons? Example, my mates, is the +best precept, and our Church has never yet taught us in that way that +fighting is wrong; or that too much meekness, except from outsiders, is +to be very highly commended." When the old coxswain got upon his legs it +was hard to get him down and every stump was to him a pulpit. He +continued, "God forbid! that I should be a bully, going about the world +seeking quarrels with the weak; but God grant, my lads, that I maybe +ever ready to lead you all on against the attacks of the strong, who +threaten us, and a young woman as I keep company with will be well to +the fore, and if you are not found ready to follow old Jack and the +beggar woman, then, my lads, make ready your necks for the yoke of the +foreign invader. And it is old Jack Commonsense that says so." + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + +We are in these degenerate days singularly unfortunate in many ways. Our +means of excitement are nothing like what they used to be. The +Buccaneer's island was no exception to the general rule. Indeed time +seems to have handled him very roughly. Not that he was altogether free +from surprises. Occasionally an idiot obtained possession of a pistol, +and either tried to commit or did commit a murder. Then at times a man +was knocked down, kicked and robbed, whilst the mighty house-breaker +prowled about with pistol and crowbar in search of plunder. It is also +true that the Ojabberaways did all they could in the way of providing +excitement of a lively nature for the benefit of the old Buccaneer and +all his people; but gone were his highwaymen. The vulgar thief alone +remained. A mutiny at sea, with the murder of a crew, was a thing of the +past. Yet we have to relate a dark conspiracy, which will be for ever +known as the Cabal of the Cook's Caboose, and which might have been +productive of the gravest results. Mention has already been made of a +slight defection amongst a certain section of the crew. + +It was past eight bells, and the midnight watch had been set +sufficiently long to allow all the look-out men to take up their +positions of repose. Not a sound was to be heard upon the old Ship of +State except the heavy breathing of the watchman aloft and the +monotonous tread of the look-out man aft, who had not as yet secured a +comfortable place to pass his watch in. The Church Hulk was wrapped in a +deep sleep and the Buccaneer's Chief Priest, with all his ecclesiastical +big guns, minor canons, able priests, and ordinary deacons, were fondly +locked in slumber's arms. They kept no visible look-out, but angels with +their silver wings, it was firmly believed by all devout Buccaneers, +hovered over that old ship at night and kept the devil and all his +minions away. It was only when the dusky mantle of midnight rested upon +the island that silence ever reigned supreme upon that old Church Hulk. + +The look-out man on deck hailed the look-out man aloft. "What, ho +there!" he cried. "Watchman! what of the night?" The man up aloft had +evidently been deeply meditating, for something very like a yawn broke +the stillness of the air, but presently a voice came down laden with the +words: "All's well! The twinkling eyes of Heaven look down upon a world +wrapped in peaceful slumber. All's well!" + +"All's well," went up from below in reply, and again there was a great +stillness. The eyes of all the houses on shore except one here and there +which sat watching for the setting out of some poor weary soul to the +regions that lie beyond the grave, were out. The dog that generally +breaks the stillness of the night on such occasions was also silent; +probably asleep. The wind even had folded her wings and had ceased to +sing her lullaby to the accompaniment of her many stringed lute. + +Presently a crouching form was to be seen creeping stealthily under the +starboard side of the old Ship of State. The suspicious looking object +who was enveloped in the dark cloak and slouched hat usually worn by +conspirators and hired no doubt for the occasion, made for the cook's +galley, and in a voice scarcely above a whisper, exclaimed: "Pepper!" + +"Is that you, Chips?" came from the caboose. + +"The same," was the reply. + +"Where are the rest?" asked the cook. + +"They will be here directly," the carpenter said, as he darted into the +galley. Scarcely had he got well inside than his mate joined him, and +shortly afterwards the burly form of Billy Cheeks, the butcher, was seen +trying to conceal himself under the bulwarks. "Keep down, can't you?" +cried the cook. "You'll have the look-out man see you." + +"Can't help it if he does; can't make myself any smaller than nature +made me," replied the butcher. "If I was as small as you, or a ringbolt +chaser like Chips, I might be able to do it." This was sarcasm. The +butcher loved sarcasm; but the cheery cook turned it off by saying that +Chips, and Chisel, his mate, must spokeshave Billy Cheeks down to the +ordinary and usual size of a conspirator. As the butcher did not see +anything funny in this he did not laugh; and so the joke fell like a +dead shell, quite harmless. But the cook, the carpenter, and his mate +said that Billy Cheeks was far too big for a conspirator. + +All was pitch dark inside the cook's caboose. The fire had long since +been out, and it would not have been safe to strike a light. No doubt +they had their dark lanterns, for conspirators would not be fully +equipped without them, but for some reason best known to themselves, +they did not for the present produce them. + +"Your programme!" cried the butcher, who generally came at once to the +point. + +"Listen, my lads, and you shall hear," exclaimed the carpenter. "The old +man being away and the captain with him, we must make this the high tide +of our prosperity, and carry out as pretty a little scheme as ever +entered the head of man, although I say it, as should not. The old +coxswain is ashore amongst the landlubbers, so we have nothing to fear +from him. For the rest of the crew on board belonging to our watch, +well, if they will not join us, why, Billy, my man, you must do your +duty. First and foremost we must lighten ship." + +"That is easily done," said the cook, "by flinging overboard bodily the +old man's Upper Chamber." It is wonderful what a hatred the cook had for +this room in the after part of the old ship. He himself said it was on +account of their ignorance, want of intelligence, class prejudice, and +the airs and graces they gave themselves. + +"As you all know, my mates," continued the carpenter, "things ain't as +they ought to be on board this old craft; she is much too slow for the +times. When a coat becomes too old to wear, what do we do? why, chuck it +away." + +The jolly little cook now had his say. "Without a doubt the old ship is +too bluff bowed for the rapid times we live in, and is more fit to drive +piles than to make way against the swift current of events. So, my lads, +I am for seizing the ship, and my little game--" + +"What is that?" cried the butcher, as he laid his trembling hand upon +the carpenter's arm. + +"What is what?" exclaimed the carpenter, slightly startled. "Can't you +give Pepper time to explain himself. Hurry no man's cattle, is an old +and good proverb." + +"I heard a noise outside, as if someone was moving," said the butcher. + +"Then take a look round, Billy," said the carpenter. + +"I am too big," said the butcher, with a sneer, which was felt, though +on account of the darkness it was not seen. "Let Pepper go; he is the +smallest; no one will see him, and if they do they will take no notice." +This was veiled sarcasm, but the cook thought it better not to notice +it, because he knew the butcher could not help it. + +"Let every man stick to his trade," said the cook, "my place is inside +the galley and not out." + +Then up spoke the doughty carpenter. "What, my lads! is quaking fear +going to be present at our councils? Look at me. I am not afraid." As it +was pitch dark, of course nobody could see. "Chisel, my lad," he said, +addressing his mate, "show these fellows the stuff you are made of." + +"And why should I do what others won't?" replied Chisel. "It is no more +my business than it is the cook's, and every man to his trade, say I, +too." + +"Why don't you take a look round yourself?" cried the butcher. + +"Of course I will. Thus!" exclaimed the carpenter, "does conscience make +cowards of ye all." Having delivered himself of the quotation, he took a +hasty glance through the little square hole that acted as a window in +the back part of the galley, and said there was nothing. "I knew that," +said the cook. "That is why I did not take the trouble to look; but this +is a grievous waste of precious time." "Well, my lads," the carpenter +continued, ignoring the fact that the cook was, as the saying is, in +possession of the house, or rather, galley. "First and foremost we must +seize this old craft, run her ashore, break her up, and build a spic and +span new one, upon entirely new lines. We will take a hint here and a +hint there. In such a thing our friend Jonathan would not be a bad man +to go by. Then we will board the old ship alongside, and make her +disgorge, for the general good, some of her accumulated plunder. She is +worth a pretty plum I can tell you. Been hoarding up for ages, and yet +she is always crying out poverty. Bah! there must be something wrong +somewhere, or where does all the money go? She does not apparently give +too much of it amongst the poorer part of her crew; but as she renders +no accounts we are all in the dark, my lads. It is a busy buzzing hive +of drones, though." + +"As you say, Master Chips," said the cook. "She does not seem to give +much of her stored up wealth to her poor brethren, and Heaven knows that +the priestly gabardine too often covers an empty stomach, while others +amongst them lead the lives of a Dives. Does poverty and penury find +clothing or food out of her riches? Not a bit of it. Too many of her +crew, are they not proud? Have they not made an exclusive and an +aristocratic high-cast priesthood of themselves?" + +"So wags the world, my mates; so wags the world," cried the carpenter. +"While one suffers from repletion, another starves. But that old Hulk is +now out of date, and she will cut up well you may be sure. Having +plundered her, and given every ecclesiastical dog a bone--no offence to +the sacred calling--we will bore a hole in her and let her sink. Then, +when we are well across the bridge that connects her with this old +craft, Chisel, my mate, shall saw the bridge through, and thus lay a +trap for the rats; let them either sink or swim." + +"Rats, they say," remarked the cook, as he handled his three-pronged +toasting-fork, "always leave a sinking ship, and the ecclesiastical rat +will prove, I expect, no exception to the rule." + +"Honest Pepper!" cried the carpenter, "you speak, as you always do, like +a book." + +"I've some doubt on my mind, which I should like cleared up before we go +any further," said the butcher. + +"Out with it, Billy, my man, out with it," exclaimed the carpenter. +"Your chest is big, but no doubt it will be the better for being +lightened, and an empty house is better than a bad tenant, any day of +the week." + +"Well, you talked about running this craft ashore, and then turning your +attention to the Church Hulk; but if you do that, what is the use of +sawing the bridge in two. The bridge would be the plank we should have +to walk; with nothing but a drop of some fathoms deep into the pit we +had dug for ourselves." + +"Or rather the water, Billy," said the cook, who loved his joke. + +"That little error can easily be rectified by our settling with the +Church Hulk first; but these are mere details. The workers, my lads, +shall have their reward; and the clerical Lazarus shall sit down at the +same table as the clerical Dives." + +"But robbing a church," said the butcher, "is about the last thing a +fellow ought to do, is it not?" + +"The end, Billy, will justify the means," the carpenter remarked. + +"Our master, the Buccaneer," said the cook, "was not above robbing a +church once, and who will say he did wrong? Of course his +conscience-healers will find justification for the act if he pays them +well, and as they read history by the light of faith, and not altogether +by facts, they can prove all things entirely to their own satisfaction, +and what would have been an act of robbery in others, would be, when +they were concerned, a most laudable action. Faith, as is well known, my +mates, can work wonders, and it can overcome a mountain of the most +obstinate facts with the greatest ease." + +"But suppose they turn to and curse us," asked the butcher, who +evidently had some qualms of conscience. + +"And suppose they do," cried the cook. "Are we a lot of old women to be +frightened by such things. Know you not the saying, Billy, that curses +come home to roost? Let them curse then." + +"Where is Chisel?" the carpenter asked. + +"I am here," a voice said out of the darkness. + +"Not hearing you, mate, I thought you must have slipped away." + +"It appears to me," replied the carpenter's mate, "that there is little +need for me to say much, considering that I am expected to do all the +dirty work." + +"Who will say that anything is dirty work?" replied the cook. "The +worker purifies and elevates the work." Pepper was a philosopher. The +carpenter continued, "Mates, rest assured of this; if it suits the +Buccaneer to sacrifice his Church Ship, he will do it, for he has an +elastic conscience, which he will satisfy by saying prayers before and +after the act. And as for Dogvane, well, he will wait to see which way +the cat jumps. If he sees the time has come, why, then, the State Church +will be cast adrift. It is not the first time that old William has +robbed a church. I am not the man to say he did a wrong. Why should the +Church Hulk be kept moored alongsides of the old craft? All well enough +when she ruled the roast; but now more than two hundred sects are +outside her jurisdiction, and the Chief Priest and other officers under +him cannot at all times keep the unruly crew in order. They have their +mutinies, and their interior economy does not seem to be just as it +should be; so, my lads, she will either have to mend her ways or end +them, as has been said of another of our master's ancient +establishments." + +"Which, my mates," said the cook, "you may leave to me. I will have my +knife into the Upper Chamber yet." + +"After duty comes pleasure," continued the carpenter. "Having settled +the Church Hulk we must turn our attention to old Squire Broadacre. His +house is in a terrible state, and must be put in order. We must pare +down his property a bit, for there is a family called Hodge, a good, +decent, honest, and industrious, though perhaps ignorant lot, who are +but poorly off. It is the squire's duty to look after this family; but, +mates, it is well known that selfishness fills hell." + +"But do you suppose that the Buccaneer is going to allow all this to be +done?" exclaimed the butcher. + +"It appears to me, mates," replied the carpenter, "that our friend Billy +is going to throw cold water on all our plans." + +"What is the use of our assembling here," asked the butcher, "if we are +not allowed to speak?" + +"Who wants to stop your speaking?" exclaimed the carpenter. "I certainly +am not going to undertake the task, I can tell you. Our master must be +talked and wheedled over, and as for old Dogvane, well, we all know that +he has a damned tender conscience. (The oath must be pardoned. The best +of carpenters, and all sailors, swear at times.) Look here, mates, I +fancy I know as much about Captain Dogvane as most men. If he wants a +thing done, and if so be that he has set his heart upon it, bang goes +his conscience in that direction. Never was there a conscience under +better control. It says to the captain's inclination, 'which way does my +master want me to go, so that his servant may obey him?' Never yet did +Dogvane's conscience prove him wrong, and he is at all times on the best +of terms with it. Look you, our captain will say neither yea nor nay, +and he will use so many words in saying so, that everyone will be at +loggerheads, quarrelling over what he means, when in all probability he +means nothing; but is only waiting to see which way the wind is going to +blow." + +Here the cook spoke: "I have great faith in the old man; but if he does +not go with us, what then? All the talent is not in one head, and as for +his first lieutenant, and one or two others, we can afford to lose them. +They are too slow for the times." + +"Lads, in cases like this," cried the carpenter, "we must not mince +matters; and if the worst comes to the worst Billy Cheeks must do his +duty." + +The paleness of the butcher at these ominous words was concealed. There +was a terrible hidden meaning in what the carpenter said, and it made +the butcher's flesh creep and his blood run cold. + +"I am at all times prepared to do my duty," the butcher said, "at +fly-flapping the tail end of a Tory cockerel, or at stopping the cackle +of the older birds, I will give way to no man; but I love the old +captain, and I would not injure a hair of his venerable head on any +account. As we all know, he is but lightly covered." + +"Who wants you to injure his hair?" cried the carpenter. "Do you think +we want you to be ship's barber as well as ship's butcher?" The +carpenter, who began to fear that he had gone too far, thought it best +to trim a bit, and therefore he advised the butcher not to be so sharp +in coming to conclusions. "Of course," he said, "it's natural that you +should put a professional aspect on things." + +"There!" cried the butcher in alarm, "I heard the noise again." + +"Then go and see what it is," the carpenter said in disgust. + +"Ah! It makes no difference to me," the butcher replied. "If you other +fellows did not hear it, I must have been mistaken." The cook, the +carpenter, and Chisel his mate were extremely gratified at this generous +admission on the part of the butcher, and they one and all said they +never could remember the time when Billy Cheeks had owned himself in the +wrong before. The carpenter was quite softened. Even Pepper was touched, +and they all hoped that it augured no ill to the butcher, for sudden +changes in disposition and character are often the unwelcome harbingers +of speedy dissolution. They strongly advised Billy Cheeks to consult his +medical man. This painful episode for the time quite damped the spirits +of the conspirators. "If anything happens to you, Billy, where would you +like to be buried?" the cook asked. They left the butcher to think the +matter over, and after a while the carpenter continued: "Having got +possession of everything, we will all live happily together ever +afterwards." The butcher, who had recovered himself asked, "How about +the old lion which keeps watch over the Buccaneer's affairs?" + +"Your hand, Billy," cried the carpenter groping about in the dark, "I +see you are better, and have taken up your character again of Chief +Obstructionist. If you don't like to join our party, go over to the +other watch. They are in want of men of substance." + +"Why do you catch one up so precious sharp?" cried the butcher, +irritated. "I suppose there is no harm in asking a simple question? Who +wants to go over to the other watch? Haven't I always stood by you and +Pepper, and defended you when you were both blackguarded and abused? One +would think you two were the Buccaneer's darlings, but you are neither +of you liked, though people may laugh at you, Pepper. What is the use of +my being here, if I am to keep my mouth shut? Chisel may act the part of +a dummy if he likes, but I will not." + +"Messmate, your hand," cried the carpenter again. "No offence, old man. +We are in the same boat, therefore we must pull together. There is an +old adage that applies to us." + +"It is no use our quarrelling over trifles," said the cook. "The old +lion is asleep: or out of wind, and he is just about as harmless as if +he were stuffed with hair or straw, and no one fears him now let him +roar ever so loud." + +"But to ease your mind, Billy," said the carpenter, "my mate shall draw +his teeth and cut his claws." + +"And pray why should I have all the dirty and dangerous work to do?" +said Chisel again. + +"What!" exclaimed the carpenter, in evident surprise. "Are you going to +take a leaf out of the butcher's book, mate! It seems we commented upon +your silence too soon; but if you are afraid to do the work; well let +his teeth and claws remain. Thus the difficulty is got over with ease. +After all, it is only a detail, and we will not come to loggerheads over +a detail." + +"There it is again," cried the butcher, "I swear I saw something like a +hand spread out fan-shape towards me. The thumb was from me, and seemed +attached to a human nose." + +This was very terrible, and the conspirators felt a creepy sensation all +over them. But the cook reassured them all, by saying, that very often +people, whose stomachs were out of order, suffered from optical +delusions. He said he felt sure Billy Cheeks must have eaten something +that had disagreed with him; so they took no further notice, and +proceeded with the business of the evening. + +"Of course we shall want assistance; but we can count upon the +Ojabberaways, they are always ready for anything in the shape of a row. +They have their price, then we shall have the Hodges, and the Sikes with +us. They are all ripe for action. Now another thing presents itself. We +must have a head, no body can get along without a head." + +"Some seem to get along very well without such a thing," said the cook. +This also was sarcasm. The cook loved it, and his tongue it was said was +as sharp as needles. "Well, my mates," he continued, "of course we must +have a head; but mind you, let us have no hereditary fool to fill the +office; and no baubles in the shape of crowns and court paraphernalia, +no court flunkies, my lads, to eat the bread of idleness, no court +pimps. I am dead against crowns. They are expensive articles, no matter +upon whose head they rest. Kings too often are little better than blood +suckers, and blood spillers, and all by the grace of God forsooth." + +The subject of a head for the new commonwealth, or whatever it was to be +called, was of so grave a nature that for some few minutes not one of +the conspirators spoke. Evidently each one was revolving in his own mind +as to upon whom the selection ought to fall, and no doubt each could +have solved the momentous question to his own entire satisfaction; but +modesty kept their thoughts locked up. Presently the carpenter spoke. + +"It's a detail," he said. They all agreed, and so the matter dropped, +not, however, before there had been a slight passage of arms between the +carpenter and the cook. "Of course," said Chips, "you are out of the +question, Pepper?" + +"And why so, pray?" was the indignant reply. "I didn't say I would take +the post if it were offered me; for I am not like some people I could +mention, of an ambitious turn of mind. No matter who falls, so long as +they mount." This must have hit the carpenter very hard. + +"Whoever heard of a cook being made a ruler?" the carpenter asked. + +"For the matter of that, whoever heard of a carpenter?" said the cook. + +"Why Pepper, my lad, where's your schooling? Does not a carpenter's son, +and one who was a carpenter himself rule the whole Christian World? But +that is neither here nor there. You are too small; you would not command +respect." + +"Now I am surprised to hear a man of your ability, Chips, talk such +utter nonsense. You seem to judge men as a butcher does his meat, by the +pound. That is the sort of thing perhaps a woman might do. If that is to +be your little game, you had better hoist Billy Cheeks up at once; he is +not exactly a skeleton, and, no doubt, he would fill the place as well +as any one else." + +"No offence, Pepper, no offence, mate; it is a detail," said the +carpenter. + +"Then let it be a detail; and I care not who you hoist over us, so long +as our head is neither expensive nor too highly gilded. But mind you, +the lumber room must go." + +They all agreed that this was a sensible way of looking at things, and +to appease the cook, no doubt, they would there and then have lightened +the ship by flinging over the whole of the Buccaneer's House of Lords, +but the heavy tread of the watchman aft made them abandon the idea for +the present; but as that ancient hereditary institution had fallen under +the cook's displeasure, it was not likely that it could survive such a +thing for long. + +"What are we to do with our foreign relations?" asked the carpenter's +mate. + +"Ah! Chisel, my lad, you are coming to the front," said the carpenter. + +"What have we to do with foreign relations?" the cook asked. "Let them +mind their own business, and we will mind ours." + +"The unfortunate thing is," said the butcher, "that they won't mind +their own business; no people will." The butcher gave another start and +declared he heard the mysterious sound at the back of the galley. + +"Well, Billy!" the carpenter exclaimed, "for a big man, you have about +the smallest heart of any man I ever met." + +Thus did the conspirators settle the affairs of the Buccaneer's nation. +But now another and most unmistakable sound saluted their ears. A cock +crowed loud and long. It is a well-known fact that neither spirits nor +conspirators can stand this sort of thing. "Ah!" cried the carpenter, +"there goes the shrill herald of the morn." Conspirators generally speak +in this florid manner. "The day has returned too soon. You have much to +answer for, Billy; for by your incessant interruptions you have +squandered our precious time. But no matter. My lads, one little thing +before we part. We shall want money. We cannot get on without the +needful. It is money that makes the old mare go." + +"I have a scheme here," cried the cook, "of raising the necessary wind." + +"Quick, Pepper, my man, where is that lamp of yours you are so fond of +flaunting before the eyes of people in the broad light of day. The torch +of Truth you call it." + +"Ah! Master Chips, the light of that lamp is only shed on other people's +business. It would never do here." + +It could never for a moment be supposed that these conspirators had not +their dark lanterns; and presently one was produced from the ample folds +of somebody's cloak, and they all stooped down as the cook unrolled his +plan and the light from the dark lantern fell upon the eager faces of +Billy Cheeks, the carpenter, his mate, and the cook. + +"Time, mates, is short, so I come to the point. This is a bill of sale." + +"So, so, a bill of sale," they all said in a low tone as they eyed the +piece of paper. + +"We will have an auction," said the cook; "our foreign relations we have +decided to let go; for we get more kicks than half-pence from them; but +our colonies we will sell." + +"Ha, ha!" laughed the butcher, hoarsely; "mind they don't sell you." + +"At it again, Billy," said the cook; "but it shows you're recovering +from your nervous attack. Lot No. 1. The Buccaneer's well-known property +of India. A rich possession comprizing over 200,000,000 of faithful +subjects, together with forts and garrisons fully armed and equipped, +and a most lucrative trade." + +"The Eastern Bandit no doubt will bid for that lot or perhaps he'll take +it," said the carpenter's mate. + +"Proceed, Pepper," cried the carpenter. + +"That cock won't fight," remarked the butcher. "You don't suppose our +master will allow his dusky princess to be bought or taken by his old +enemy, the Bandit." + +"Go on, Pepper," cried the carpenter; "Billy's state of health is +rapidly improving. Haste, my lad, for the silver foot of day is +advancing. In a short time his eye will be over yonder house-tops, and +if he looks upon us plotting in the cook's caboose, then farewell to our +plan and perhaps to our liberty as well." + +"Lot 2. Egypt. We may expect bidders for that country and 'caveat +emptor' say I. That is a country replete with articles of virtu, the +only thing is to find them. It is the proud possessor of an ancient +history. With this lot will go a discontented, harassed and +poverty-stricken people, and one or more high military reputations, and +may the devil fly away with the whole lot, say I. There are a few +others--things scarcely worth mentioning--such as the royal robes, crown +jewels, and other court paraphernalia." + +Here the discussion was suddenly put a stop to by the butcher, who gave +such a start that he knocked the carpenter's mate up against the cook, +who in turn nearly overturned Chips. The lantern was upset and the light +was put out. + +"What the devil is up now!" cried the cook, recovering himself. + +"I saw it again," said the butcher, in a terrified whisper. They all +pitied the butcher and declared that he was, without exception, about as +uncomfortable a member of a conspiracy as could possibly be found. There +was something almost uncanny about his behaviour, and no doubt less +doughty men would have been scared. It was now too late to continue with +their plans. They one and all said that the scheme was good and wanted +scarcely for anything except the carrying of it out, which they agreed +was a mere matter of detail. They complimented the cook upon his +suggested method of raising the necessary wind. They were all very well +pleased one with another, and as the carpenter dismissed them, he said: +"Bless ye, my lads! Away to your bunks, my honest fellows. The silver +king treads close upon the heels of the sable queen, so away and snatch +a few hours of repose. Then arise and buckle to your work. Mix well +amongst the people ashore. Sow broadcast the seeds of discontent, and so +prepare the way for action. The womb of time is big with great events. +Be civil, my mates, to the wild Ojabberaways, for at times it is +necessary to hold the candle to the devil himself. If we do not square +them, the other watch will." + +"The greedy office grabbers," cried the cook, "will leave no stone +unturned to get the helm; but we must dish them. For my part I have +always found the Ojabberaways a merry and clever lot of gentlemanly +devils." + +"To their many wants then," exclaimed the carpenter, "lend a kindly ear; +but keep your own counsel. Be thrifty of your words unless you use them +as our noble captain does, to conceal your thoughts. Away then, my lads! +What, does no one move? It is too late for ghosts to prowl about, and of +other things what have you to fear?" + +"Who is afraid, Master Chips?" the cook asked indignantly, "I was only +thinking." + +"Vast heaving, my hearties, while the cook thinks," cried the carpenter. +"In the meantime I will take a look round, the watchman may be about." +Chips drew his cloak round him and pulled his slouched hat well down +over his eyes; then with the stealthy walk peculiar to conspirators he +took a look round. Just as he reached the back of the cook's galley, he +heard what sounded like a splash in the water. It made him start; and +his heart beat hard against his side, his hair stood on end, and he had +to lean against the water-butt for support. "Pshaw!" he cried as he +shivered in the chill morning air, "I am getting as bad as Billy +Cheeks." The look-out man from aloft cried out, "All's well." Thus +reassured, the carpenter told his companions that the coast was clear, +so with cloaks well wrapped round them and hats well slouched they +sneaked away to their beds. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + +It was but a narrow strip of water that separated the old Sea King, or +Buccaneer, from his neighbours on the mainland. But narrow as the strip +was it had been and it was of the greatest service to him; for it kept +from his shores the numerous bands of robbers that infested the +mainland. Of course things had very much improved of recent years, but +still occasional robberies took place even now, and when an opportunity +offered it was not allowed to pass by. Since the world began it has been +said that honest men are few and rogues are many. + +There can be very little doubt that the veneer called civilisation has +done much for the world. It would appear, however, that when people are +collected together into a nation, they cannot even now look upon the +richness of a neighbour, without having some feelings of envy, and +experiencing a slight itching sensation at the ends of the fingers. + +Indeed, the study of history, and human nature generally, would lead us +to believe that man is not only a very lazy fellow by nature, never +working unless necessity compels him to; but that he is also a thief, +and is only honest by compulsion, or by learning that it is to his +personal advantage to be so. This much we may have hinted before. For +mankind in general we have the highest admiration and consideration; but +we cannot hide from ourselves the fact that it has with many virtues, +also very many faults, and love of other people's property seems to be +one. + +Man we will not run down or decry. Look you at the savage! There is a +great nobility about him, and in some things he compares most favourably +with his highly cultivated and civilised brother. The latter is perhaps +the proud possessor of a great intellect, of rank, of high position, +having a long line of ancestors to decorate the walls of his ancestral +hall. He may be the proud possessor of vast wealth, in fact, of +everything that leads to human greatness, and yet see how he sneaks into +a room as if he were some mean thing and thoroughly well ashamed of +himself. Contrast with this man the noble bearing of the savage, every +movement is as full of dignity, as, in all probability, his only blanket +is of insects. This man feels himself a lord of creation. His mantle +above alluded to he throws over his shoulders with an easy grace. His +only possession perhaps is his spear or tomahawk which he is ever ready +to bury in the stomach of an enemy or in the friendly earth. Then the +savage is silent, and when he does speak, he does not prove himself a +wind bag, but he speaks in measured tones, and with dignity and very +much to the point. There is none of that senseless gabbling which is +such a mark of Western civilisation, and which at times is so extremely +confusing and even distressing. He does not wash, you say? Good people +all, here the peculiar and special prejudice of civilisation presents +itself. Yes, the tub crowns your Western edifice; but did your Saint +James ever use the bath? The platter is well washed without, but within? +The savage is a noble being, though perhaps the rain that falls from a +generous heaven is the only washing he ever gets. + +The imagination loves to dwell upon the ideal. It peoples the garden of +Eden with beautiful and naked innocence. It loves to sing of the gentle +shepherd, who, decked in ribbons and becoming fancy pastoral garments, +pipes and dances to his flocks all day long, and in other ways wastes +his employer's time. Strip the gentle shepherd of the clothing +generously given him by the imagination and you find him a very rough +fellow indeed, not given to singing so much as to cursing, and instead +of dancing, is more ready to knock anyone on the head who interferes +with his sheep-stealing propensities. We speak, good people all, of +early pastoral times, of what we may call the ancient shepherd period. + +Heaven forbid! that we should say one word against civilisation. Do we +wish to live in a state of society which was so easily excited that if a +man but sneezed some fiery fellow would fancy himself insulted and out +with his bodkin and put it through one? Heaven forbid! we say again. +But, good people all, the struggle for existence is great. The weakest +at all times go to the wall. The noble savage allows his weakly and +sickly offspring to die; perhaps even at times he assists nature, +occasionally knocking an aged parent on the head, saving thereby much +pain and suffering on the one side, and trouble and anxiety on the +other. But see what your civilisation does. See how far superior it is; +how supremely human. It calls in that eminent physician Dr. Science, and +with his help your sickly human weeds are nourished and reared until +they are old enough and strong enough to marry and multiply. Weeds +produce weeds and quickly. A sickly body can only sustain a sickly mind, +and so the world wags and whole peoples become undermined. What would we +do? Nothing. We sit and watch things taking their course, and note the +many advantages that civilisation has over barbarism. + +It is an old, old tale, yet in the telling of it nature alone is not +prosy. She has such a way of telling the same story over and over again +and ever varying it some little in the telling. What wonderful powers of +variation has our mother! Take a million faces and by some subtle +combination of the same features she gives an individuality to each. But +to return to our noble savage. In a rough and ready fashion he surmounts +the difficulty of his useless members of society. By an extensive and +well-organised system, civilisation finds out the exact amount of +sustenance it takes to keep the body and soul together in an aged +broken-down pauper. Then separating an aged couple, who perhaps have +borne the brunt of many a misfortune together, it allows them to drain +to the last drop the dregs of life, holding up to them as a consolation +the plenty that lies in paradise. Civilisation justly condemns the +inhuman custom of the otherwise noble savage; but does not deny itself +the inward satisfaction of a sigh of relief when some person who, having +lingered perhaps a trifle too long over his or her exit, eventually +goes. "Poor soul," they say, "it is a happy release. Gone to a better +and a happier world, no doubt." A pauper's funeral brightens a district +and carries, if not joy, at least no sorrow to the hearts of the +guardians of the poor. + +We never said that civilisation was a gigantic workshop where hypocrites +and humbugs are turned out by the thousands every day, whilst its +religion occupies itself in manufacturing Pharisees. We have pointed +out, if we have not demonstrated, the admirable laws by which +civilisation works as regards the welfare of the poor, and we have shown +the care that it takes of its sickly weeds, given to them such eminent +advantages and allowing them to contaminate a whole community with their +sickliness. We have acknowledged how in all respects, with the sole +exception of grace and bearing, civilisation is superior to the savage +state. But this much we will say, many savages we have seen who are very +much more gentle in their manners; very much more honourable and even +refined in their feelings, and very much more humane, than the roughs of +civilisation. No doubt every civilised family has its extremely black +sheep. The Buccaneer certainly had his, and compared with them, the +gentle savage is a well-bred gentleman. + +Then look at your pale-faced drudge of civilisation. With bent back and +emaciated face and smarting eyes, her thin but nimble fingers stitch on +from early morning, till after the weary sun has sunk to rest. On, on, +she works with scanty food, and in an impure atmosphere. Poor soul, has +civilisation done much for her? Has it buttered her bread more thickly +or sweetened more her tea? Is her lot any better than that of her sister +who toils and slaves out in the open, while her brave lies and basks in +the sun of idleness? + +But we have wandered far from that narrow strip of water that divided +the Buccaneer from his neighbours on the mainland. It had been to him as +a magic belt, and worth more than thousands of men. His neighbours had +to look on and long and wonder perhaps how it was that such a man had +been allowed to prosper. But all have heard of the row in the kitchen, +between the pot and the kettle. His neighbours, however, repudiated with +scorn any evil intentions and they only kept themselves armed to the +teeth to keep wicked robbers and cut-throats away; but it was a wonder +to many people where they could be, because, if asked, all declared that +all they wished for was to be allowed to live in peace, and quietude, so +that they might enjoy the reward of their honest, industrious, and +highly respectable lives, and fit themselves for heaven. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + +Arriving on the shores of his nearest neighbour, Madame France, the +Buccaneer landed, and as he intended to make a few calls inland, he sent +his yacht round to the Golden Horn with orders to await there his +arrival. + +The Buccaneer took off his hat and made his politest bow; but his +reception was by no means as cordial as he had expected. As is well +known by all those who have experienced it, there is nothing so freezing +as the cold politeness of a haughty beauty. It requires more brazen +effrontery than even old Dogvane had, to carry it off with a high handed +dignity as if nothing was wrong. That Madame France was beautiful there +could be no doubt, and she would have made the blood quicken in the +veins of the most eminent saint, and as for a sinner! well, there is no +use going into particulars. + +It is more than probable that the charms of this lady were not lost upon +either the Buccaneer or his trusty captain William Dogvane. Then, as if +the devil was in it, Madame had added to her natural beauty, by calling +in the assistance of every art. Her figure was neat and most attractive, +and her dress left nothing to be desired. In her display of charms she +was generous without being coarse and vulgar, and her short kirtle +discovered the prettiest of ankles, and just enough of a well-shaped leg +to be peculiarly attractive. Even old Bill felt young again and his eyes +glistened with delight, and he was no less inclined to be gallant than +his master, who for the time forgot the precept taught him by his +religion about coveting other people's goods. + +Having coldly acknowledged the salutation she turned her back upon her +visitors and pouted her pretty lips. "Master Dogvane," said the +Buccaneer addressing that worthy, "there is not much cordiality here." + +"It beats me altogether, sir," the captain replied, "but there is no +understanding women, and, as everyone knows, Madame here is peculiarly +fickle and uncertain. They all seem to go by the rule of contrary. She +is an arrant coquette I'll be bound; but, Master, what a pretty foot and +what a lovely leg." + +"Dogvane!" cried the Buccaneer as he gazed upon the attractions alluded +to, "you forget yourself." Then addressing the haughty beauty he said, +"Madame, in what have I been so unfortunate as to meet with your +displeasure? It is many years now since we had any cause for quarrel and +all old wounds I trust are healed, and as I bear no malice, Madame, I +hope you bear none. How then have I displeased you?" + +"Monsieur, your memory methinks is short. Was I not set upon and beaten? +Was I not hurt and bleeding? Was I not struck down until I bit the dust, +and you never held out a hand to help me? Monsieur, my memory is better, +I do not forget, I never shall." + +"Oh! damn these violent memories!" exclaimed Dogvane aside. + +"But, Madame, that is now an old old story," the Buccaneer replied. "Is +it right to carry resentment so far? Is it acting up to the religion +that we both profess?" + +"Monsieur's reputation for piety is extremely great," said his fair +neighbour, while a sneer played round her pretty mouth; she then added, +"An injury, Monsieur, is never old." + +"Madame!" cried the Buccaneer still wishing to appease, "you had my +extreme sympathy." + +"Sympathy!" cried Madame France, "sympathy! of what avail is that +against battalions?" + +"I dressed your wounds, I attended your sick and I sent you money, lint, +and plaster." + +"Sent me money!" exclaimed Madame France scornfully. Then suddenly +changing her manner to a tone of polite sarcasm she said, "Pardon, +Monsieur! I had forgotten, yes, you sent me money. It must have been a +great sacrifice for you to part with what you love so well. The +shopkeeper does not like to drain his till, even for a friend in need. I +beg Monsieur's pardon a thousand times. I did not too fully appreciate +his kindness. I have not sufficiently thanked my mercantile neighbour. +Permit me, Monsieur," she said with a profound curtsey, "to thank you +for your extravagant consideration and extreme sympathy." + +The Buccaneer was going to reply; but Dogvane, fearing a storm, almost +dragged his master away. "But this is not as it should be, Dogvane. It +is not right." + +As they went away Madame France muttered something, but the only word +that reached the Buccaneer was "perfidious." This was an old retort. + +"This is not right, Master Dogvane!" he cried. + +"Decidedly wrong, sir. The grossest piece of ingratitude I have ever +experienced. Ah! we can plainly see, she has not forgiven you for +remaining neutral in her last row with her burly neighbour inland. But a +stale page of history is that." + +"Master Dogvane, even a woman's resentment cannot last too long. There +must be something else. Have you, Master Dogvane, been doing anything to +put her out?" + +"I can tax my memory with nothing, sir; but the other watch, who can +tell what they've been up to? Softly, my master, softly. For heaven's +sake come away. Say nothing to increase her anger. The least said, +soonest mended. Is she not fair to look upon?" added Dogvane looking +back as did Lot's wife. "What ripe lips!" + +"What has that to do with it?" + +"Nothing, sir, nothing; what a lovely foot! what an ankle too! what a +comely leg!" + +"What the devil, I say again, has that to do with it?" cried the +Buccaneer. + +"Nothing, sir, nothing. I merely ventured the remark that she was +comely. No doubt that other watch have been at their handiwork. Master, +you are a bit too brusque in your manner. Women don't like it; if you +had flattered more, you would have pleased more. You should have praised +her beauty; gone into an ecstasy of delight over her many charms. Do +you not think, sir, that the kirtle was an inch or two too long?" + +The Buccaneer turned sharply upon his captain and rebuked him, told him +plainly that although he was captain of his watch, he had no business to +cast eyes upon his fair neighbour. Then he said, "She quarrelled with a +friend of mine, and you are for ever telling me that I ought not to +interfere, in things that don't concern me." + +"You acted in that little affair, sir, like an upright, honest, +gentleman; but do what you will you cannot please everyone. You did your +best to prevent a row and you could do no more. But that is not where +the shoe pinches. The other watch no doubt, the other watch. Let her +alone, my master, to cool. When a woman is enraged, there is no arguing +with her. No doubt some domestic trouble has disturbed her. She has +always something on. Ah! I see it now," exclaimed Dogvane stopping +short. "Some time ago she went in largely for old china and we all know +that is an expensive luxury and probably the bill was larger than she +expected. There are a thousand little things, trifles as light as air, +in every household, that though hidden from the eye of the casual +observer, help to ruffle the temper even of the most amiable woman. Did +you notice, sir, her well turned ankle and shapely leg?" The old +Buccaneer either did not hear, or did not approve of Dogvane's continued +allusion to Madame France's charms. The captain, thinking he was still +grieving over his cold reception, sought to console him by saying, "What +though Madame France be cold and turn her back upon you, I feel +confident that the island of Sark is with you to a man." + +"The island of Sark!" exclaimed the Buccaneer in astonishment, "what has +that to do with it?" + +"Everything, sir," replied Dogvane. "For the island of Sark if not +actually France is very near to it; and the moral support of such a +place is not to be despised." + +The Buccaneer seemed lost in meditation, from which he was only aroused +by Dogvane exclaiming: "Ah! here we are, sir, at the door of your worthy +German cousin, with whom you are allied by blood, by the holy bonds of +wedlock, and by religion." + +The mighty Von was sitting outside, in his garden overlooking the waters +that divided him from his beautiful neighbour. He had a tankard by his +side and a pipe in his mouth, for he was a great smoker. + +The Buccaneer found that his reception here was scarcely more cordial +than what it had been elsewhere. "Have I in any way done my worthy +friend an injury?" the Buccaneer asked, turning to Dogvane. + +"God forbid, sir, that you should do any man an injury," was the reply. +"It has been my constant endeavour to keep you at peace with all men." +This perhaps was true, but the result was not satisfactory. + +"Give me an honest grip of thy friendly hand, neighbour," the Buccaneer +exclaimed, as he held out his. The Von held out his but there was +nothing hearty in the shake. "How is this, friend, thy grip used to be +harder?" said the Buccaneer. + +"Mein hand is mein own," replied the mighty Von. + +"Tell me in what I have offended thee. If I have done thee an injury I +will make amends. What, will my old friend not speak?" + +"Mein counsel like mein hand is mein own, mein friend, and I keep them +both." + +"How do you account for this, Master Dogvane?" asked the Buccaneer, +somewhat crestfallen. + +"It is passing strange, sir, and I can only think that this is another +piece of handiwork of the other watch. Their capacity for bungling is +extremely great. But come away, sir. There is an old adage which says, +'it is ill to waken sleeping dogs.' It applies here." So saying he led +his master away; but before they had gone very far Dogvane again stopped +short. "Stay, I do remember there was some trivial dispute about a patch +of barren land. Tut, tut, to think now that so great a friend should be +affronted at such a trifle. The exact merits of the case have now +escaped me; but as I was prepared to give way all round there need be +no ill feeling on such a subject; only to think now--but there, some +people are that touchy that there is no pleasing them." The captain now +began to sing to an old well-known song, some words of his own-- + + "The Von a mighty man is he with large and sinewy arms." + +"Dogvane, cease; this is no time to exercise your vocal powers. I have +been a good friend to my German relations. I verily believe that I +support half his army in the bands that are for ever braying out their +discordant sounds in my streets. Then are not my own people constantly +at me for employing my foreign relations to the prejudice of my own +children? and with some show of justice too, for German bakers make my +bread, German tailors make most of my clothes, and German Jews are +constantly draining away my money. Do I not find royal wives for German +princelets, and do I not dower them handsomely into the bargain? and yet +they give me the cold shoulder in return. No matter who dances, Master +Dogvane, it seems to me it is I who have to pay the piper. To one of my +worthy friend's sons, poor fellow, I begrudged nothing, for he was a +king of kings and a fine manly fellow, and one who will never die." + +"Marriage, my master, often severs families instead of uniting them. +This only bears out what I am constantly telling you, and that is to +have as little as possible to do with your relations. But, master, a +good deal of what we call ingratitude in others is due to faults in +ourselves. We start by expecting more than we deserve, and are +disappointed when we only get our deserts; but, of course, we never +think of putting the saddle on the right back." + +Our two travellers, weary, thirsty, and dust-stained, now came to +Austria, and were in hopes of getting a more friendly reception; such a +one, in fact, that would justify them in staying there and breaking +bread and drinking a flagon of wine for the sake of good fellowship. But +no, Dogvane had managed to tread upon the toes of Austria, and had got +himself disliked even here. He swore it was a part of that terrible +inheritance he had received over from the other watch. According to his +own account, no man was ever so unfortunate. + +Dogvane now entered upon a most lengthy and learned explanation upon the +quality of gratitude, and what he said upon such a matter would deserve +the greatest consideration, but weightier things still, attended upon +their footsteps. + +A messenger arrived post haste to say, that information had been +received through the proper official channel, that the great Bandit of +the East was behaving himself in an altogether unaccountable and strange +manner. In fact, that he had broken into one Abdur's garden, and was +playing, what was called in unofficial language general, Old Harry, +there. + +"Here is another of your confounded foreign relations cropping up," said +Dogvane to himself. + +"How about this, Master Dogvane?" exclaimed the Buccaneer. + +"Why, this sort of thing, sir, has been going on for ages, and it is +nothing more nor less than a party trick of the other watch, at the +bottom of which, no doubt, is that mischievous young imp, Random Jack. I +have myself frequently asked the Eastern Bandit about these unsavoury +reports, and his smile was childlike and bland as he replied, that if +anything was going on wrong, he knew nothing about it. He is a truthful +and a Christian man and would not tell a lie, not for the whole Empire +of India. At least, if he would, I have no official information upon the +subject." + +"Well, Master Dogvane, the readiest way to set the matter at rest is to +go and see for ourselves." + +"That would be a most undignified proceeding, sir. You cannot expect +foreign nations to respect you if you go and poke your nose into other +people's dustbins. Besides, sir, it would be a most unconstitutional +thing; and before undertaking it, we at least ought to retrace our steps +home and set the official mind at work to find out a precedent. Then if +such a thing can be found, which I very much doubt, we will at once +proceed to the scene of action, and throw the light of our official eye +upon the Eastern Bandit, who, no doubt, being dazzled and frightened by +such an unusual occurrence, will fear some revolution of nature, and so +retire to his own ground." + +"Master Dogvane, the official coach is far too slow for an occasion like +this. We can walk the distance very much quicker, so set thy face to the +East and march. And on our way we will pay the honest Turk a visit." + +"Oh lord!" exclaimed Dogvane to himself, "here is another kettle of +fish. Sir, are we not tired, hungry, and thirsty? And the weather is +much too warm for such a journey. But, if go we must, gallivanting about +in the East, we shall save a little, sir, if we leave this Turk on our +right hand." + +"Master Dogvane, the Turk is a friend of mine. We have fought side by +side against the Eastern Bandit, and may be we shall have to do so +again. I will therefore pay my respects to him." + +"I would kick him bag and baggage out of Europe if I had my way," +muttered old Dogvane. + +The Buccaneer found the head of the Moslem world pensively smoking his +chibouck. "Ah!" said he, "you, at least, my honest friend, will not turn +your back upon me. I have at least you to fall back upon." + +"Monsieur, I salute you," said the Turk with extreme politeness. "When +you want to get anything out of me you call me friend and honest Turk; +when you do not, I am a rogue, a vagabond, and little better than a +barbarian. A while since, and your captain was for kicking me, bag and +baggage, out of Europe." Dogvane was a little taken aback at having been +overheard, but he soon recovered himself and was ready to argue that if +his words were taken properly they could bear no such signification. + +The Buccaneer was so taken by surprise that he could not speak, while +Dogvane, shading his eyes with his hand, cast a look towards the +beautiful Golden Horn, to see if the yacht was there, for he was weary +of travelling, and had become what is called home-sick, and had he never +had to consider things abroad, the chances are it would have been very +much better for his reputation, and for that of his master. He said, +"What is the use of your meandering in foreign parts, sir, you have a +nice, snug, well-feathered little nest in the Western Ocean, where +everything smiles upon you. There lies your yacht; then let us aboard: +weigh anchor, and make for the rosy bed of the setting sun." + +The Turk interrupted: "It suits your purpose, mon ami," he said, +addressing the Buccaneer, "to seek my friendship now. But the honest +Turk was not born yesterday, and he is very much more than seven, so he +allies himself with those who will not cast him off when they have no +further need of him." + +This roused the suspicions of the Buccaneer. "Whatever you do," he +cried, "do not ally yourself with the Eastern Bandit. Give him a wide +berth or he will pluck you to your last feather." + +"An open enemy," replied the Turk, "is better than a treacherous friend. +Pat my back to-day; kick--but no matter, Allah is good! There is but one +God, and Mohammed is his prophet." + +"Treacherous friend," ejaculated the Buccaneer, turning to the captain. +"Does the Turk call me treacherous, Master Dogvane?" + +"Heaven forbid such a thing, sir! The Turk merely made a general remark, +which in the abstract no doubt is true. But, master, leave the Turk +alone. If you do not come speedily away he will borrow of you for a +certainty." + +"But he has been my friend, Master Dogvane, for these many years." + +"True, sir; and you have treated him more kindly than you usually do +your friends, whom you occasionally fall out with; even coming to blows +at times. But the Turk's friendship, good master, is of a costly kind. +He is a ready borrower, but a tardy payer. Look at the money he has +spent in riotous living? Honest enough, no doubt; but as he is always +out at elbows he cannot afford to indulge in such a luxury. A needy +friend, good master, is a constant source of annoyance; for when poverty +comes, pride goes, and your friend soon sinks into the degraded position +of a most importunate and shameless beggar." + +"I do not like to turn my back upon a friend just because he is down in +the world, Master Dogvane." + +"The feeling does you credit; it is noble; but, good sir, we must draw +a line, lest at any time we give countenance to vice. We often deceive +ourselves, and act as we think, generously, either out of idleness or +fear, lest the babbling world should condemn us for want of kindness to +those in need. God forbid that you should forsake a friend because he is +down! But when a man has brought his suffering and misfortunes upon +himself, then, good master, sympathy is bestowed upon a worthless +object. Why should you assist one who will not help himself? Who so long +as he can borrow will spend? The Turk will not live within his means, +and you have found, sir, that you cannot enjoy his friendship without +paying heavily for it." With reflections like these Dogvane led his +master away, and the Turk watched their retreating steps with +half-closed eyes; but yet he was not asleep; but the precise nature of +his thoughts cannot, for obvious reasons, be disclosed. + +"Oh for a sniff of the fresh sea air!" cried Dogvane, as he looked +wistfully towards the ocean. "To feel yourself once more afloat, master, +with your empire beneath your feet, and your good little ship dancing +merrily to the music of the waves, would make a different man of you." + +"Aye, aye, Master Dogvane, perhaps it would; but I have other fish to +fry just at present. Those were merry days when I ploughed the seas in +search of adventure, and it all comes back to me like a dream. I fancy I +hear now the clack, clack of my many windlasses; the yo! heave-ho! of my +merry men, as they sheeted home their sails, and mast-headed their +yards. The brave sea fights; the brilliant actions of my lads; the +sinking of the enemy's ships, all, all comes back upon me. I fancy I can +see my merry men, pike in hand, swarming over the ship's sides, while we +poured in broadsides muzzle to muzzle. I almost hear their shouts. They +strike, they strike, Dogvane, while our colours still fly proudly over +us, nailed to the mast. See the ocean blurred with their life's blood. +Ah! it is past, Dogvane, it is past. Lend me thy shoulder, man, lend me +thy shoulder, for my eyes are dim. Alas! they are clouded by memory. Are +those good old days gone, never, never to return?" + +Dogvane had learned from experience that when his master had on him one +of these fits of despondency, the best thing to be done was to let him +alone. He contented himself with saying, "Every age, my master, has its +advantages. We cannot say that the spring is more beautiful than the +summer, nor yet the summer than the autumn, while hoary-headed winter is +not free from charms." + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + +Away our two friends journeyed until they came to a high eminence which +commanded a good view of all the country round. At their feet was spread +the garden of Abdur, and in the distance was to be seen the El Dorado of +the East. The fair lands of the Buccaneer's Indian Princess. How lovely +it all looked; the hot sun streaming down on plains covered with jungle +and the tall cocoanut trees with their long stems and bushy heads; and +the shady plaintain with its long, broad leaves. Then rivers wound +through the plain like huge silver serpents making their endless way to +the sea. + +As may be easily imagined, the Buccaneer who was not accustomed to such +lengthy and arduous journeys, was completely done up, for the ascent had +been steep and difficult; often had he stopped to admire the scenery, an +excuse generally made by the weary, who are too proud to admit that they +are in the smallest degree overcome. Rivulets of perspiration were +running down the old gentleman's face, and it took him some time to mop +himself and gain his breath. Dogvane, as the saying is, had not turned a +hair. Whether this was on account of the paucity of that article, or the +general leanness of his condition, it is not necessary to say. + +The Buccaneer sat and contemplated in silence the beauty of the scene +before him, while the captain of his watch looked through the left +corner of his eye towards Abdur's home. Presently a shout in that +direction made the Buccaneer start from his happy reverie, and turning +to his left there he saw the Eastern Bandit, apparently enjoying himself +in Abdur's garden, and not keeping to the pathways either, but trampling +borders and beds under foot. "Hallo! Master Dogvane," exclaimed the +Buccaneer, "sure enough there he is at his handiwork, just as we were +told." + +"Be not too hasty, master," Dogvane replied. "Things are not always as +they seem; so somebody has said, and I believe him. We are absolutely +without any official information on the subject, while, on the contrary, +I have the august Bandit's word for it, that he wants nothing out of +Abdur's garden, and I believe him, for the fruit is of a prickly kind, +and not at all enticing. In fact, more fit for asses than for human +beings." + +"Facts are stubborn things, Master Dogvane, and seeing surely is +believing." + +"Not always, sir; for how many people are deceived by their eyes? one +swearing he saw one thing, another swearing the very reverse. Things are +deceptive, more especially when seen through glasses dimmed by +prejudice." Dogvane said nothing about the dimness of the official eye, +which is well known to be as nearly blind as possible, without being +absolutely so. He put his glass up and took a survey, taking good care +that that part of Abdur's garden where the Bandit was should not come +within his range. "For my part," he said, "I do not think the Eastern +Bandit is in Abdur's garden. You may depend upon it, sir, he is merely +going through the time honoured custom of beating the bounds." + +"Then you go down, Master Dogvane, and see that the boundaries are +fairly marked." + +"It has ever been the custom to take some small boy, and by bumping him +or whipping him upon the breech at certain places, to engraft the +boundaries indelibly upon his memory. I am too old a man for this. It is +a thousand pities that we have not young Random Jack with us. He is for +ever wishing to render you some signal service, as much to make a name +for himself as to do good to you. Now, this would be an excellent +opportunity for him to show his zeal, and I regret extremely that the +lad is not here. It would be well worth while to send for him." + +Dogvane's meditations were put a stop to by the Buccaneer exclaiming, as +he brought down his telescope and shut up the slides with a bang: "As I +hope to be saved, Master Dogvane, the Bandit is in our friend Abdur's +garden!" Here he opened his spy-glass again and took another look. "And +what is more," he added, "the rascal seems inclined to lay his hands +upon what does not belong to him." + +Fat as the Buccaneer had grown, and lazy as his prosperity and good +living had made him, he did at times rouse himself, and when he did he +frequently flew into the most violent fits of passion, and made use of +the most terrible language, and altogether forgetting that he was a +Christian he would swear like any Turk, or the proverbial trooper. Our +friend was now seized with a warlike epidemic, which, as a rule, is very +infectious. He was for fighting his old enemy at once, for he felt fully +persuaded that he must be in the wrong. Dogvane, the man of peace, tried +to calm his master down, and begged him to take things quietly; saying +that it was time enough to draw the sword when diplomacy failed. + +The Buccaneer when he heard that word, ripped out several oaths of such +a nature, as to make Dogvane's hair stand on end. This annoyed the +Buccaneer still more, and he requested Dogvane, in tones not to be +disobeyed, not to do it. The captain apologized, and declared it was the +"wind, and nothing more;" showing that his mind was far away. The +Buccaneer, however, quickly brought him back to his senses, by +commanding him to ask the Eastern Bandit, in the politest manner +possible, what the devil he meant, by trespassing upon other people's +property. Of course, things had to be done in a proper way, and strictly +according to custom. Dogvane knew very well that it was quite useless to +ask the Eastern Bandit for any information, because, whatever his +intentions might be, it was not at all likely that he would disclose +them. To do so, would be to act in a manner altogether undiplomatic. But +obedient to his master's commands, the captain of the watch went to a +small rivulet that sprang out of the mountain side close by. This tiny +stream after bounding from rock to rock of its mountain bed, fell down +into the plain below, and then widening and growing deeper and deeper, +rolled lazily through Abdur's garden, refreshing its parched soil with +its grateful waters. + +Dogvane put his hand to the side of his mouth and sent down on the bosom +of the rivulet a request couched in the most polite language to know +what the great Bandit of the East was about. Back came a voice from the +plains below, saying, "The august Bandit of the East, the master of many +millions of slaves, requests the Buccaneer of the West to mind his own +business." + +"Tells me to mind my own business, does he? And call you that a +diplomatic answer, Master Dogvane?" + +"Most assuredly," replied the captain. "It would have been quite as easy +for him to have told you to go to the devil. How can you find fault with +him, or anyone else, for telling you to mind your own business. It is +what every right-minded and honest man ought to do." + +"But it is what every right-minded and honest man does not like to be +told to do. This business is mine, Master Dogvane. Do you not see that +he is putting his huge foot forward?" + +"My eyesight in such things is somewhat dim; but be not hasty. In times +past, sir, your rashness has led you into sad trouble. For all we know +the Eastern Bandit does but stretch his leg, preparatory to making a +backward movement. For my part, I think this must be so. I go so far as +to say that it is so; for I have entered into an agreement with him; or +it may be an arrangement, or even a sacred covenant." + +"The devil take your covenant!" cried the Buccaneer, "I am going to see +into this little matter myself," and away the old gentleman started off, +with a speed that endangered his neck. Dogvane needs must follow; but he +was not so good going down as up a hill on occasions like this. "Steady, +my master! Steady!" he cried. "The more haste, the less speed. God +forbid that we should not uphold the sacred ties of friendship; but, +sir, I beg you; I beseech you, not to be rash. Remember, those who +quarrels interpose, often wipe a bloody nose. Let us try the gentle +force of reason first, then if that fails--" + +"What then, Master Dogvane?" said the Buccaneer, stopping and turning +round to confront his captain. + +"Time, sir, and the course of events alone can tell. In a good cause, +in a righteous cause, old Will Dogvane will be found ever ready to draw +the sword." + +"Damme! Dogvane, there's life in the old dog yet." + +"Sir, swear not; it makes my blood curdle in my veins." + +"Dogvane! Dogvane!" cried the Buccaneer, "As I live he is beating +Abdur's children!" + +"And why not, sir? why not? no doubt, they richly deserve it. Have you +not taken the liberty of doing the self same thing yourself?" + +They were now very much closer, and Dogvane put up his glass to his +official eye, and declared he saw nothing out of the way going on. This +so irritated the Buccaneer, that he performed something in the nature of +a miracle, and he made Dogvane receive his sight. He owned that he did +see something in the nature of a beating taking place. Then he said by +way of excuse: "You can not expect, sir, to have a monopoly of beating +other people's children. But at any rate," he continued, "the time has +come for us to show the Eastern Bandit that we are not to be trifled +with. We are now near enough for him to see. The man who will not stand +up for a friend in need, deserves to be branded with the name of +coward." + +"Bravo, Dogvane!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, "I don't care for sentiment, +as a rule; for it generally cloaks some infernal rascality; but damme +that's a good sentiment, and one to my liking." + +Dogvane felt an honest pride in having thus pleased his master. He felt +also encouraged, so taking off his coat and turning up his shirt sleeves +he said, "When the Eastern Bandit sees the sinews of my goodly arms, he +will, no doubt, become frightened, and pause ere he provokes me to +anger; but, master, you will stand by me?" + +"Through thick and thin, Dogvane!" + +"It will be a costly affair, for I needs must make gigantic +preparations. I shall have to go into training." + +"Name but your sum, Dogvane, and it is yours," cried the fighting old +Buccaneer in an ecstasy of delight. + +"It cannot be done comfortably, sir, under £11,000,000," replied the +captain. + +"It is yours, Dogvane! It is yours, I am rich, and I am generous." + +"Has the taking off of my coat in any way frightened him, my master? +Your eyesight is better than mine." + +"Not a bit, Dogvane. The beggar is dancing about just as if the whole +place belonged to him. Go in, old man, and win. Nail your colours to the +mast," the old sea king could not forget his early days, with its quaint +language. "And may God defend the right!" he piously exclaimed as he +took off his hat and raised his eyes devoutly to heaven. Of course there +could be little doubt in the Buccaneer's own mind as to who was in the +right. As has already been stated he fully believed that God was always +on his side, and if he did come off second best, it was the Devil who +for some good reason was allowed, for the time being, to prevail against +him. This is a pardonable vanity and is shared by many other pious and +devout people. With Dogvane it was different. He was blessed, or cursed +according to the way it is looked at, with a most tender conscience, and +though he never allowed it for any length of time to stand in his way, +it caused him so to act, that people condemned him as a splitter of +straws and a weigher of scruples. While he was thus occupied he +generally allowed the golden opportunity to pass by and thus he +frequently brought his wares to the market a day or so after the fair. +And many a time the words "too late" were hung out over the gate he +wished to enter at. + +Scarcely had the Buccaneer finished the above pious ejaculation than +Dogvane's stout right arm fell listlessly to his side. He drooped his +head as he repeated, in a low tone of voice, the words of his master: +"And may God defend the right! That sends a cold thrill through every +vein in my body. Suppose," he said, addressing his master. "Suppose; I +say suppose, my master, we are in the wrong, what a weight of +blood-guiltiness will rest upon our heads? Suppose we are in the wrong, +and being in the wrong we spill the blood of a fellow-creature? Good +master, I have a qualm of conscience." + +"Oh! damn your conscience!" cried the Buccaneer, whose blood was up. Of +course such language is reprehensible in the extreme; no matter who uses +it; but it is doubly so when it falls from the lips of a pious Christian +gentleman. But, good people all, what is bred in the bone, will come out +in the flesh. Dogvane recoiled from such language. + +"Damn not my conscience, sir, nor that of any other man," he said, for +his religion was unlike many a modern lady's beauty, it was even more +than skin deep. + +"Conscience," continued Dogvane, "is the guiding star by which we steer +these frail barks of ours through life. Too many of us do not, +consequently we find ourselves lost amidst shoals and quicksands. In a +just cause, in a righteous cause I will fight." + +"What!" cried the Buccaneer in amazement, "are you going to put your +coat on again?" + +"This, sir, is a matter that must receive our gravest consideration. +Before we fight we must thoroughly sift the matter in the inmost +recesses of the mind, until we are fully convinced of the sacredness of +our cause. The man--" + +"Stay, Master Dogvane! Not another word in that direction as you value +the wholeness of your skin. Give me anything you like; but damme, don't +try my temper with another sentiment." + +"What I was going to say, most noble master, is this. If we have in any +way offended the Bandit of the East, we must make what reparation we can +by craving his pardon." + +"What!" cried the Buccaneer, "are you going to humble me before all the +world?" + +"Nay, sir; call it not by such a name. It is a noble thing, and the act +of a great and generous mind to own freely that it is in the wrong. I do +not humble you. I exalt you and place you upon a high pinnacle of +perfection. It requires more courage to own oneself in the wrong than it +does to take up the sword. It stands to reason, sir, that we both cannot +be in the right; this being conceded why should not the wrong be on our +side, nay, what more likely than that it is? Let us then sheathe the +bloody brutalizing sword until the merits of the case are fully shown." + +"And are all your mighty words to go for nothing, Master Dogvane? How +about my honour? How about my honour?" said the Buccaneer sorrowfully. + +"Honour, sir!" replied Dogvane. "Honour! what is honour that you should +shed human blood over it? It is but a breath that comes from the mouths +of other people, and the same mouth is as ready to damn as bless. This +honour, what is it? It is here to-day, it is gone to-morrow, and is +hunted often to death by envy, hatred, and malice, until in the end it +is handed over to the tender mercies of its adversary shame. This self +same honour that is so much lauded, is a picker of quarrels, a shedder +of blood, a vain boaster, and a veritable swashbuckler. This honour is +the veriest bubble that man ever fought for, or prated about, and it has +done more mischief in the world than any other of man's vain causes of +strife; because no principle has been so plentifully abused, except, +perhaps, the principle of religion. For this self same honour, or its +shadow, you have sacrificed countless thousands of your own sons, and +slaughtered countless thousands of other people's. For the sake of this +honour you have burdened yourself with a debt that you will carry with +you to your grave and it will bend your back, more and more each day you +live. God grant that in the end it does not crush you beneath its +weight. We will place this matter in the hands of others who will +arbitrate between you and the Eastern Bandit, who, I cannot but think, +is grossly maligned. This, good master, will be a more humane, a more +civilised, and a more Christian method of settling your dispute." + +During this harangue of Dogvane's the spirits of the Buccaneer kept on +falling and falling until despair sat heavily at his heart. There was +something quite pathetic in his bearing as he said: "Master Dogvane, I +do not wish to be better than my neighbours. They are all Christians, +and yet they all fight. Madame France is armed to the teeth. My German +cousin sleeps in armour always, with one eye open. Then, why should I +hang up my sword, pistols and buckler and resent neither rebuke, +insult, nor injury? In such a matter as this, is it wise to trust to a +third party?" + +"Master, what does your religion teach you? Be you the pioneer of a +better state of things. God knows we have had fighting enough." + +"I wish my old coxswain were here," said the Buccaneer. "This is an +occasion when his advice would come in well." Perhaps, had he been +present he might have told his master that he had better turn monk at +once and start a monastery if he intended to follow the advice of the +captain of the watch. Why, you ask, did not this fighting, hard +swearing, and hard drinking old sea king whip out his hanger and go in +at the Bandit himself? + +Good people all, it must be remembered, that he now conducted his +business on purely constitutional principles, and he would have violated +some one or many of these had he so acted. So wedded was he to his +constitution that it is probable he would have preferred to be utterly +ruined by sticking to it, than saved by going in any way against it. He +was a great stickler for routine, red tape, and custom. They, for the +time, left the Eastern Bandit in the full enjoyment of his actions. +Dogvane broke the silence. "Sir," he said, "I have in my mind's eye a +worthy potentate who may, for a small consideration, be induced to serve +you in this dispute you have with the Eastern Bandit. King +Hokeepokeewonkeefum--" + +"What!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, in surprise. + +"Does the length of the name astonish you, sir? We have near neighbours +whose names, were they all joined together, far exceed the one just +mentioned. All great and illustrious people have long names; but they +are all capable of contraction. King Hokee, sir, as we will for brevity +call him." + +"What!" exclaimed the Buccaneer again, almost breathless with amazement. +"Entrust my affairs to a black?" There was an adjective used, but for +various reasons it has not been recorded. + +"Surely, sir," replied Dogvane, "you are above the prejudice of colour. +Though black, King Hokee has no doubt a mind particularly free from +prejudice. Is he not a man and a brother? Besides, sir, to borrow +somewhat from perhaps a greater William than myself: Hath not King Hokee +eyes? Hath he not hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, +passions? If he has not I have no official information on the subject. +Is he not fed by the same food, hurt by the same weapons, subject to the +same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same +winter and summer as we are? If you prick King Hokee, think you he will +not bleed? If you tickle him, will he not laugh? If you poison him, will +he not die?" + +"Cease, Master Dogvane; no more of this. You have stabbed me, and verily +I bleed. To think that the old sea king should be brought so low as to +ask a favour from a damned black!" + +For certain weighty reasons the adjective here is not omitted. + +"Have I then no friend, Master Dogvane; no great neighbour to whom I can +entrust this affair?" + +"It is one of the penalties attached to greatness, sir, to be without +friends. The great stand upon an eminence and look down upon a gaping +crowd of admirers, flatterers, and detractors; but they have no friends, +at least not worth the mentioning. Besides, King Hokee would do the +thing cheaper. A tin star with an appropriate appellation would satisfy +him, and you could make him pay handsomely for the star." + +"Am I then placed so high up on this bleak and sterile peak? I have done +a great deal for Egypt; surely she will show me some little kindness? To +show that my prejudice for colour is not great I will place the matter +in her hands." + +"People served, sir, have but short memories," was Dogvane's reply. + +"We will at any rate break our journey back there, Master Dogvane, and +we can mention the subject to the gipsy queen." + +The captain did not seem to relish this, for he said in a disparaging +manner: "Yes, you have done a good deal for the gipsy; but the man who +does not wish to be disappointed will expect gratitude from no one, +least of all from a woman. In Egypt, sir, our game has been, I own, a +subtle one; but, like the villain in the play, we have been obliged, +and still must dissemble, so as not to excite the jealousy of our +neighbours." + +Dogvane loved dissembling. "Sir," he added, as he shut one eye and put +the forefinger of his right hand to the side of his nose in a most +knowing manner, "we have not thought it wise to let the gipsy woman into +our little secret. We have set up in Egypt a dummy whom we call a ruler. +Behind his back we pull the strings of administration. When all goes +well we come in front and make our bow to the audience, and receive our +well merited applause. When anything goes wrong, we beat our dummy; he +does not mind, and it would be all the same if he did; our neighbours +are satisfied, and their suspicions are allayed." + +"Is this honourable, Dogvane?" + +"Sir, it is most diplomatic, consequently, it cannot be less than +honourable." + +The Buccaneer thought for awhile and then said: "It would have been +better for me, Master Dogvane, to have seized the country at once. There +would have been a cackling in some of my neighbours' poultry yards, but +it would have saved an infinity of trouble in the end." + +Dogvane was horrified at such a suggestion. This was a falling off and a +going back with a vengeance. "Such a wholesale act of robbery," he said, +"would perhaps have been pardonable in your old Buccaneering days, when +you laid your hands on what you could, and did all you could to keep it; +but in this, your age of extreme respectability, it would never do. Why! +you would have had all your neighbours buzzing about your ears like a +swarm of angry wasps. The act would have been most undiplomatic." + +Here apparently some unpleasant thoughts entered the Buccaneer's mind, +for a cloud passed over his face. "Diplomacy," he said; "that has never +been a very strong point with me. I like to be open and above board, at +least, at one time I did, and I loved to call a spade a spade. This +diplomacy, Master Dogvane, is a genteel kind of a highwayman, who is not +above insinuating his hands into the pockets of the unwary, while he +distracts the attention of his victim by expressing towards him the +highest esteem and regard. I would quite as soon he showed himself in +his true colours and cried out boldly: 'Stand and deliver.'" + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + +The journey homewards was a sad one, for the spirits of the old sea king +were entirely broken. The captain of the watch tried all he could to +cheer him up. He drew in fancy a pleasing picture of the island home +they had left; of the contentment, prosperity, and happiness that +reigned there, and old Dogvane did not forget to lay on the colours. As +an artist in this line he was extremely good. As they left the domes and +minarets of the grand Turk behind them, Dogvane turned to his master and +said: "I cannot see why so good and great a man as my august master is, +should not be content to rest upon the laurels he has already earned." + +Flattery is at all times acceptable, and to all people; the only +difference being that to suit the vulgar appetite you must lay it on +thick, while to the refined the touches must be delicate and smooth. +Dogvane, seeing the good effect that this kind of physic had upon his +master, administered a little more. "Now take this Egyptian woman's +case. See what you have done for her. You have tried to put down +slavery. You have set your face against the brutal lash. You have tried +at least to banish the evil-minded, blood-sucking Pasha, and in doing +all this you have spent millions of money, and have sacrificed many of +your bravest sons. One, even, we immolated at the shrine of the great +god Necessity. We placed him in a pit even as Joseph was placed in a +pit; but alas! Joseph was more fortunate; our offering was slain. Think +you, sir, that in return for all this you will receive gratitude?" + +"Master Dogvane, Egypt has always been of great interest to me, and +through her lands I consider I have a right-of-way. Thus I have done +very much for her, and if for nothing else, she ought to thank me for +putting down that most barbarous of all things, the traffic in human +beings." + +"Sir, look rather for your reward in the righteousness of the cause. The +man--" + +"Stay, Master Dogvane; if you are going to give me another sentiment, +spare me I beseech you." + +"I was merely going to observe, sir, that the man who places the +smallest faith in a woman's constancy, digs a pit for himself, into +which he is sooner or later sure to fall." + +Dogvane, for reasons best known to himself, was decidedly against this +visit to Egypt. He seemed to be in some doubt as to the reception he +would receive; but all his endeavours to dissuade his master were of no +avail. The Buccaneer himself thought that Egypt must needs consider +herself under the greatest obligation to him; but the best of men, and +even the wisest, are often deceived, more especially as regards +themselves. The poor man wanted consolation, and he was ready to go +anywhere to obtain it. + +There was no greater enemy in the world to the slave-dealer than was +this great Buccaneer and fighting trader. He was forever going about, +trying to put a stop to the degrading traffic, more especially when the +wretched victims were black. His ships of war had strict orders to chase +and capture all slavers found on the High Seas. His missionaries +preached against the heinous trade. Both watches condemned it, and all +the people of every description of belief, held up their hands in pious +horror at the barter in flesh and blood. All, from the schoolboy just +breeched, to the old man, whose tottering steps were leading him to the +grave, were lovers of freedom, and the sworn enemies of slavery. + +But, strange to say, when Jonathan attempted to put down slavery, the +Buccaneer's sympathies were on the side of the slave-owner. Stranger +still, though he was forever trying to put down slavery amongst other +people, he allowed it to be practised to a very large extent amongst his +own. Of course it was clothed in fine garments of rich words, so the +sinfulness of the thing was hidden from his own eyes; but the whole of +his society was little better than a huge market, where white slaves +were bought and sold every day. Sold by heartless and mercenary mothers, +to whom a rich equipage and a good social position was of far more +consideration than any foolish and antiquated feelings of the heart, all +of which are mere matters of sentiment, and weigh as light as air in +comparison to the many advantages that gold can buy. It was no uncommon +thing to see a fair, and perchance a blushing maiden, sold for a price +to some withered piece of humanity. Their shameless mothers gave their +daughters as they parted with them the kiss of Judas, and bedewed their +fair young cheeks with the tears of hypocrisy, and then hastened to +their churches to thank their God that they were not as others, +doubters, perhaps, and unbelievers. + +This inhuman traffic in human souls found its moral in one of the +Buccaneer's law courts, the proceedings of which were emptied out +amongst the people, and eagerly devoured by them. It must be owned that +the victims of this trade bore their misfortunes with becoming +fortitude. Having been well schooled by their mothers the degradation +was not altogether clear to them, nor the narrow space that divided them +from their less fortunate and despised sisters. + +Like many other highly civilised communities the social atmosphere of +the Buccaneer's island was largely impregnated with sham. Everything lay +upon the surface, there was no depth. There was not only a greed for +money, but there was a great greed for excitement, and a passionate +desire on the part of the rich and vulgar nobodies to scramble up into a +position higher than that to which they were either entitled, or fit +for, and not unfrequently people who had the entry into what was called +good society, let themselves out for a consideration to these upstarts, +who would consider it a great condescension to be kicked down-stairs by +one of noble birth. It was all this that perhaps gave a colouring to the +sayings of those who declared that our bold Buccaneer was about the +biggest humbug and hypocrite that ever walked upon the face of the +earth. + +Our two travellers occupied themselves with many pious speculations on +their way to the land of the Pharaohs, for Dogvane for a sailor, was +well up in the Scriptures, and his knowledge of the Old Testament was +considerable. They compared the past with the present, and wandered +through many flowery fields of thought, until the land they sought came +up out of the sea before them. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + +As they approached the Buccaneer swept the shores with his glass, "She +seems to be going in for repairs, Master Dogvane." Dogvane remained +silent, as his eyes rested upon the land in front. He knew more about +things than he wished to say. "I told you, sir," he said, "that we had +knocked down a few forts." + +As they approached nearer they saw the Egyptian Queen sitting upon a +heap of ruins; her right elbow on her knee, her head resting upon her +hand. Her flashing eyes showed there was anger in her heart; that +something was wrong. Dogvane evidently did not like the look of things, +for when his master landed he hung back; but the Buccaneer, not knowing +the cause of Egypt's sorrow, went boldly forward. When he spoke Egypt +turned so fiercely upon him, that he was taken completely aback. "Hence +fiend!" she cried, as she pointed to the sea. The Buccaneer looked for +his captain, but that worthy was keeping out of the way and was +pretending to look for shell fish. His master hailed him and he arrived +just in time to hear Egypt say, "The Ten Plagues with which God smote me +in days of old were as blessings compared with thy accursed friendship." + +"Dogvane!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, "how's this?" + +"'Tis passing strange, sir! all official information is dumb upon the +subject." Then turning aside he said: "How the hag raves." + +Egypt rose up from her throne of crumbled stones and stood majestic. +Extending her right arm towards her afflicted country and looking at the +Buccaneer, with eyes filled with hatred, she exclaimed, "You have slain +my children and their blood has flowed out like water upon the sands of +the desert. Their bones lie bleaching in the sun; a witness to thy +barbarity and cruelty You have burnt my children's homes; driven off +their flocks, laid waste their lands and destroyed their wells; but with +parched throats and blistered tongues they curse you." + +"Dear me!" was all the Buccaneer could say. Egypt continued: "You have +set my children at each other's throats, and yet you dare stand before +me." The Buccaneer turned to go away and Dogvane prepared to follow and +showed considerable alacrity in getting to the boat. The parting words +of Egypt fell upon the ears of the old Sea King and dwelt long in his +memory; being very unwelcome guests there; making their voices heard +when all else was wrapped in slumber. "Hence thou blighting plague!" she +cried, or rather hissed. "Begone thou hypocrite! thou Christian +masquerader! for in thy footsteps follow poverty, ruin, and misery. May +the curses of the widow and the fatherless attend thee!" + +"Tut, tut!" ejaculated Dogvane, "how the hussy raves!" + +"God bless me!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, when they were well away. "What +say you to that, Master Dogvane?" + +"As a curse, sir, it is undoubtedly good, and as a specimen of female +anger it is by no means bad. The baggage! Here is ingratitude for you. +But I told you how it would be, sir. I had a kind of a presentiment that +the other watch had been at their handiwork even here." + +"If you, Master Dogvane, were as ready to keep out of difficulties as +you are to saddle them upon other people's backs it would be the better +for you." + +"It is enough to make a saint swear," replied the captain. "I feel +inclined to register a vow to heaven never again to do a good turn to a +living soul. What language the vixen used!" + +"She called me a hypocrite! a Christian masquerader! I, who pride myself +upon my righteousness. I, who have held my head so high, to be called a +Christian masquerader!" + +"Sir," said Dogvane with extreme respect, "if one so humble, may dare +offer an opinion, I should say that pride is not a Christian virtue, and +sooner or later it must have its fall." + +"Yes, fellow! but I do not want the fall to come from thy hands. Is +this what you call being respected abroad? Is this your pinnacle of +greatness?" + +"I am not to blame, my master. It is the other watch. What though the +Egyptian gipsy raves; what though our cousin Germany and fickle France +be cold, and Austria and Turkey aggrieved by some idle words, say if you +like, of mine, you have with you, my master, the whole Calf of Man." + +"Out upon thee for a blatant wind-bag!" cried the Buccaneer, now out of +all patience with Dogvane. "Out of my sight," he exclaimed, "keep clear +of me, or, by Heaven, you will have with you the whole toe of my broad +boot." They took to their boat, and the Buccaneer ordered his men to +bend their backs to their oars. Dogvane, who knew his master too well to +trifle with him in his present mood, doubled himself up in the bows, and +taking out of his pocket his Bible, he was soon lost in the Mosaic +Cosmogony. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + + +The captain of the watch thought it would never do for his master to +arrive home in his present frame of mind, for if he did, there would be, +as sailors say, "The devil to pay, and no pitch hot." The other watch, +too, would be sure to take advantage of the cloudy state of the weather +to stir up strife and discord, and no stone ought to be left unturned to +prevent this; so old Dogvane thought. He fully believed with that +clever, funny little fellow, the cook, that the other watch were a +greedy lot of office grabbers. Their hunger, perhaps, might be in a +measure accounted for by the small amount of food they received of that +particular kind. + +The bold Buccaneer paced the deck in moody silence, and ever and anon +turned a look back to the land of ruin he had left behind him. The words +of the gipsy were still ringing in his ears. Old Dogvane was at the +wheel, and he anxiously watched the old rover's face. The Buccaneer when +in anger was not unlike a thunder storm. He made almost as much noise, +he was quite as destructive, and nearly as uncontrollable; but if left +alone he in time worked himself out, and after the storm, came the +proverbial calm. + +The canny old captain having waited a while, watched his opportunity, +and he made bold to speak, couching his language in the most respectful +terms; but first of all to attract attention he muttered something to +himself. + +"What is that thou sayest?" asked the Buccaneer, stopping short in his +walk. + +"Nothing sir, nothing," was Dogvane's reply; "I was merely thinking as +it were, to myself, of the land we have just left behind us, and I was +saying to myself, sir, only to myself, that needs must when the devil +drives." It would be difficult to know to what the captain's words had +reference. In all probability he did not know himself, but an old saying +is generally a safe one, for it may mean much or little, or even nothing +at all. + +"In what way are you heading now, Master Dogvane?" asked the Buccaneer. + +This gave the old captain the opportunity he had been looking for. + +"You see, sir," he replied, "it is all very well for this Egyptian hag +to curse; but I was driven by necessity to do what I did, and +indirectly, if not directly, the other watch are responsible for the +blood that has been shed." + +"Still on the old tack, Master Dogvane; still on the old tack? Will you +be for ever putting the saddle upon other backs but your own?" + +"Heaven forbid that I should accuse any body of men wrongfully; but the +other watch have, or seem to have an especial aptitude for getting into +scrapes. They are a quarrelsome lot and their captain has a proud +stomach. But look you, master, at this Egyptian baggage. See what a +disorderly house she kept; I will not say disreputable, for God forbid +that I should take away any woman's character. But her house was such a +disgrace to all concerned, that we had to interfere. The Arab is a brave +man; but he is a heathen, and full of atrocity; a follower of an +impostor, what then if we slew a few of them; if by doing so we saved, +as the saying is, our own bacon? For the same reason we, as I have +already said, put your beloved son into a pit, and no doubt, he would +have been saved even as Joseph was, only a little thing prevented it, he +was slain in the meantime. Had it not been for this little accident, I +have every reason to believe that he would have risen far higher than +ever Joseph did in the Egyptian household." The Buccaneer was now +sitting upon the after-sky-light, and became an attentive listener to +the captain, who continued: + +"Even as Joshua discomfited Amalek and his people with the edge of the +sword, so have we the black population of the Soudan. The heathen +furiously raged, and we smote them hip and thigh. The cross has again +triumphed over the crescent." + +This allusion to the Buccaneer's religion was a happy one, but who knew +the master better than Dogvane? Was Dogvane then a humbug? Good people +all, upon this subject there will be a diversity of opinion, for his +enemies accused him of many worse things than being a humbug, while his +friends and admirers were ready to canonize him as a saint. The true +course, perhaps, lay in the middle of the stream. Dogvane continued, +"Have you so little love for your religion, sir, that the slaughtering +of a few thousands of infidels causes you remorse, and sorrow? Why in +olden days you slew thousands of Christians without the smallest +compunction; why then cry over the spilling of a little infidel blood? +Time was, sir, when you would have regarded the affair otherwise. For +every one of your sons killed, I dare swear a thousand Arabs have +fallen, leaving the balance largely in favour of Christianity, and so +clearing the ground ready for a purer faith. The weeds have been torn up +by the roots, so that flowers may be sown. What though we did kill a few +thousands of people, did not Pekah, king of Israel, slay in Judea, one +hundred and twenty thousand persons in one day? Would any one say Pekah +did wrong?" The Buccaneer was mollified. It no doubt flattered his +vanity being compared to the ancient king of Israel. + +"But she called me a hypocrite; a Christian masquerader, Dogvane," he +said. + +"Who, sir, would ever think of paying the slightest attention to what an +angry woman says? Why ten to one if we were to return there now, you +would find there had been a heavy fall of rain and all was sunshine +again, and if you taxed her with her words, she would swear she had +never used them." + +"I would even now retrace my way to yonder land, that is just sinking +below the horizon, if I thought it would be as you say." + +"Counting upon the extreme uncertainty of a woman's mind, I have no +doubt it would be so, and if my master wishes it, about we go. But +stay, second thoughts they say are best. This Mediterranean is a +treacherous sea. Storms often rising beneath the serenest sky. Besides, +it would ill become one in my master's position of high respectability +to dally away his time as Mark Antony did in this self-same land. A +woman, sir, is far more dangerous in her softer moods than in her anger. +It is under the mellowing influence of a smile that the hardest men +fall. We had better keep our head pointed homewards. Then, sir, we can +retrace our steps at our own convenience, and receive from the Egyptian +gipsy's cooler mind the thanks we deserve. These Easterns are a prolific +race, and multiply as fast as flies. To lop off the surplus population +with the sword is a benefit. A tree is all the better for the occasional +application of the knife." + +Thus did Dogvane clear away the anger from his master's mind. He played +upon all his weaknesses, and he approached him above all on the side of +his religion, and, as will appear hereafter, on the side also of his +trade which touched him more nearly even than his religion. Perhaps one +side of religion is not, nor has it been in the past, fully appreciated. +It has always proved an instrument to work off the surplus population. +Even that gentlest and most peaceful of all, that religion which was +breathed out over the world, near two thousand years ago, has often and +often, been dragged in to sanction, and sanctify, the bloodiest and, at +times, the most unholy of wars. As people will bring forth and multiply, +in obedience to Divine command, it is fortunate that pestilence and +famine have so able an ally to keep in check the flood of human nature. + +Dogvane, finding he was master of the situation, said: "I had in Egypt, +sir, as I told you, a deep and subtle game, but of that, no matter. If +your old servant has displeased you, shift watches, say I, and joy to +those who come after us." + +Of course there was no better way to obtain a hearing than to excite the +Buccaneer's curiosity and then stop short. The trick succeeded, for +Dogvane was at first asked and then entreated, or rather commanded, to +disclose his policy. Having stowed away his quid in the lining of his +hat, and expectorated freely over the ship's side, as every honest +sailor should, before commencing a lengthy yarn, the captain thus began. +It has been mentioned that at a yarn he could not be beaten. + +"Day and night, sir," he said, "my thoughts dwell upon your affairs, and +we often sit up late on board the old Ship of State discussing them. +Often, and often has broad-faced day looked in upon our counsels." + +"I am sorry to hear, Master Dogvane, that the Ojabberaways indulge at +times in rebellion, and even indecent conduct on board the old ship. If +they are not very careful I shall punish them. I shall stop their grog; +but proceed." + +"The Ojabberaways do at times, sir, make use of unseemly language; but +it is their bringings up. I cannot deny between ourselves that our trade +has been falling off. Our neighbours have learnt very much; they have in +a measure overtaken us, and unless we are careful, sir, they will beat +us on our own ground." + +"But when the other watch said this, Master Dogvane, you stoutly denied +it." + +"That was done, sir, as a matter of principle. Of course we could not +conscientiously admit anything to be right that the other watch said. +But there are other grounds, sir, for silence; for to use a homely +proverb, it is never wise to cry stinking fish. That holds good all the +world over. In the management of one's private affairs silence is +golden. Our trade is undoubtedly depressed. Boots, shoes and woollen +stuffs may be up, as our doughty carpenter said, but other things are +sadly down. It cannot be denied, for instance, that the demand for +heathen gods has sadly fallen off in recent years." + +"Have the labours then of my missionaries been crowned with such +success? Are infidels turning from the errors of their ways, Master +Dogvane?" + +"Heaven only knows, sir! the fact remains the same; whether it is that +the endeavours of your missionaries have been blessed; or whether it is +that the gods made at your great idol manufactery of Brummagem are not +up to the usual standard of perfection I know not; but there it is, +heathen gods are a drug in the market." + +"Dogvane, this is a most weighty matter, and it must be looked to. +Idolatry is a dreadful thing; most degraded and very much to be +condemned; but it is better than nothing, and until the heathen become +converted it would not be well, nay it would be cruel to take from them +whatever little comfort they may find in their brazen images. To +counteract any evil influence that may arise from the worship of these +things, Dogvane, order my State Church to purify the idols before they +leave our shores. Give instructions, Dogvane, directly we arrive home, +to our High Priest to this effect. Command him to have solemn prayers +and fastings, so that they may, all of them, be the better able to +wrestle with the devil. It would be as well also, Dogvane, to bid the +rich amongst them to share what they have with their poorer brethren, +who will be the better able to pray when their minds are not distracted +by the emptiness of their stomachs, for we hear there are poor amongst +them. Let all my divines of every denomination humble themselves before +their God. Why that troubled look, Master Dogvane?" + +"This is a delicate matter, sir. I have noticed the ecclesiastical +temper does not brook much interference. It does not appear to me that +they care very much about humbling themselves. Had that young rascal, +Random Jack, belonged to our watch this would have been again a +favourable opportunity for him to show his zeal and courage." + +"Dogvane, I notice a disposition in you at times to shirk your duty," +the Buccaneer said. + +"Master, not another word. I will brave the displeasure of all your many +religious denominations rather than you should harbour such a thought +about old Bill Dogvane." + +"Bid, then, my priest pray over these idols, sprinkling them well with +holy water. Who knows, Dogvane, but that some good may thus be done? +These brazen images being blessed by our pious divines may carry into +the midst of the heathen some subtle influence, and by some mysterious +agency they may be converted even at the very time they are praying to +their false gods. Dogvane, it is worth the trial, and at any cost we +must prevent the trade from falling into the hands of our unscrupulous +and unconscientious neighbours." The Buccaneer was silent for a few +moments, then he said: "Dogvane, I am fully convinced that even in this +world sin brings its own punishment; and this falling off in our trade +in idols may be due entirely to a falling off in the article. Have you +received any information of a confidential nature that either France or +Germany or our cousin Jonathan have gone in for this industry?" + +"No, sir, I have no official communication on the subject; though +Jonathan has that turn for business that he would manufacture anything +from a tin pin to a brazen image; while, if it would only pay, he would +turn out devils by the thousand." + +"You may depend upon it, Dogvane, that this depression in our trade is +owing either to the inferiority or costliness of the article. Here lies +the keystone of our mercantile failures." + +"Then, sir, there are other things. Our cotton stuffs hang heavy upon +our hands. In fact, we want fresh fields for all our industries." + +"Ah! say you so; where, Master Dogvane, is your remedy for this evil?" + +"Sir, the eye of your faithful servant has rested upon the naked +population of the Soudan. To clothe this people in our fabrics would +take many millions of yards of your cotton stuffs." + +"The idea, Dogvane, is certainly a good one, and it pleases me. Let us +hasten to put it to the trial lest our neighbours be beforehand with us. +Say not a word, Dogvane, of this when we get home, for if the idea gets +wind some of our many cheap-Jacks will take possession of it and turn it +to account; for, as you say, that fellow Jonathan has a keen eye for +business, and if he could he would try to get to windward of his own +father. The selfishness of our friends, Dogvane, is always to me a +fruitful source of regret. But let us not forget that our primary object +is not the selling of our goods at a remunerative price--no, Heaven +forbid!--it is the converting of the heathen. The base motive of gain +would not make me stir hand or foot in this matter; but to bring these +poor benighted savages into our fold, Dogvane, is a worthy ambition. To +make them Christians like ourselves, good Dogvane, would be a glorious +thing. This, I say, must be our very first consideration. Into our +cotton stuffs let there be worked some moral precept; or better still, +some prayer. A waistcloth, Dogvane, if used fore and aft would be a +suitable table for the Ten Commandments, which would thus be +conveniently placed before the eyes of all. In time the seed thus sown +on the outside of the black soil may take root inwardly and bring forth +much good fruit. By degrees the whole population may become converted, +and putting away the habit of barbarism may put on the garb of +civilisation, thus opening out for us a wide field whereto to send our +industries. Our ales will moisten their parched lips, increase their +stamina, and strengthen their inward man. Our spirits, too, will +supplant the vile concoctions they at present drink. Being thus +strengthened in body and soul, their intellect likewise will become +stronger. Their eyes will be opened, and a new and more beautiful world +will dawn upon them. It is a grand idea, Dogvane, and well worthy of +you. Commence at once. By converting this people we shall reap the +reward of millions of fresh consumers. Stop slaughtering, Dogvane; stop +at once. It is inhuman, it is cruel; besides they are only fighting for +their hearth and home, and what people so base as not to shed their +blood in so good a cause? Stay, then, our hand, for by cutting their +throats, Master Dogvane, you are contracting the field for our home +industries. There is undoubtedly a bright future in front of us, and +you, Dogvane, have done much to re-establish yourself in my good +opinion." + +The Buccaneer was quite elated. His step became buoyant again. The dark +cloud that had rested upon his brow passed away. "Soon," he said, "we +shall again hear the merry rattle of our looms. Our stills will have +fresh life thrown into them. The heavy scent of the hop shall weight our +atmosphere; and rest like a grateful fragrance over our island home. Our +friend and helpmate, old John Barleycorn, shall lift again his cheery +head, and in his train will come, dancing merrily, his hand-maidens, +Colombia root, camomile, quassia and cheretta." + +The Buccaneer was in such excellent spirits that he began singing an old +drinking song of his, to the merits of John Barleycorn, and he made +Dogvane join in the chorus. Thus they merrily passed the time, until the +look-out man aloft cried out: "Land ho!" and soon the bold coast of the +Buccaneer's strong-hold loomed out in the distance. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + + +It is necessary now to shift our scene and to retrace our steps. + +Opposite the old Ship of State there stood on the land, a little back +from the river, an ancient and old-fashioned public-house. It had a +picturesque appearance, with its quaint gable ends and mullioned +windows. Its different styles of architecture and its patched walls led +you step by step from the present to the remote past, for it was an +antique hostelry. It was two storied and had two large chambers, and if +the walls of these could speak, they could many a tale unfold. What +scenes too they had seen and what noble personages. The old clock that +stood sentinel there had ticked many a brave man to his grave. In that +old public-house the greatness of the old Sea King had been built up, +and the spirit of many a brave lad still haunted the place. A large +sign-board swung heavily on a beam, projecting from the wall in front, +just above the door. The name of the public-house was written in large +letters. It was called the CONSTITUTION; under this there was a scroll, +on which was written the Buccaneer's motto, "DIEU ET MON DROIT," and the +whole was surmounted by a crown. This was the favourite resort of both +watches, and, in fact, of the whole crew of the Ship of State, Upper +Chamber and all. No more respectable, or better conducted house could be +found the whole world over. Many thought the Beggar Woman ought to have +been the landlady of this ancient establishment, but she was not. + +Though well on in the night the Port Watch were still sitting in the +snug parlour of the Constitution, sipping their grog, smoking their +pipes and yarning over things in general; at the head of the table was +the captain, Bob Mainstay, and by his side his first lieutenant, honest +Ben Backstay. Many of the other officers were also there, and they were +trying to keep their spirits up by pouring spirits down, but they could +not do it. Things looked gloomy, and they seemed to see no break in the +clouds ahead. But it is said that the longest lane has its turning, and +to those that wait all things come. Of one thing they all felt assured, +if Bill Dogvane was allowed to keep the helm of the Ship of State much +longer the Buccaneer would find things at pretty sixes and sevens. But +how was the helm to be taken out of his hands? That was the question. + +Their meditations were interrupted by a gentle knock at the door, and on +permission being given to come in, the door was gently opened, as if the +intruder was not certain of the reception. It was the Beggar Woman. +"Kind gentlemen," she said, "will you assist a poor woman? With weary +steps I have begged from door to door, but no one will assist me or let +me in. A crust of bread, good gentlemen, for the love you bear your +country, for I am cold and starved with hunger." + +"Come in," cried a dozen voices at once. "It is a shame," one added, +"that you should be thus neglected; but what can we do, my lass? So long +as the Starboard Watch is aboard the old ship there, things will be as +they are." + +"Let us have a shift of watches, and then you will see what you will +see," said another. + +"Cannot you help us, madam," asked the captain, "to oust old Dogvane and +his lot? He made up to you, courted you, chucked you under the chin, and +then the rascal jilted you. The Port Watch would not have served you so +scurvily, you may swear." + +"Good gentlemen," replied Patriotism, "the people on shore all turn a +deaf ear to my entreaties, or say, anon, anon, good woman, and then +hasten away about other business, or to pay their addresses to my rival, +Party." + +The Port Watch now took the Beggar Woman in tow, for they hoped that she +would help them. They all set to discussing the state of affairs, and +turned over in their minds different plans of action. What they wanted +was a good watchword and a safe cry. When they had been for some time +talking over the matter without any satisfactory results; for they had +passed in review all their old tactics without deriving very much +satisfaction, because, as they all said, they had failed before to dish +Dogvane with them, and in all probability they would fail again. + +Just as things seemed to look at their worst, the door burst open, and +in rushed Random Jack. He was breathless, dripping wet, and his teeth +were chattering with cold. + +"Hallo!" cried the captain. "What ducking pool have you fallen foul of, +my little lad?" + +"Mates!" cried Random Jack as he sank down on one of the seats, first of +all having carefully removed the crimson cushion for fear of wetting it. +"Give me a tot of grog, and make it hot and strong, for I am drenched to +the skin, and the very marrow in my bones is frozen. Pretty things I +have to tell." + +The landlady of the old Constitution public-house was quite distressed +to see the poor little middy in such a sorry plight. She was a buxom +motherly woman, and nothing would do but she must get him a shift of +things, or, as she said, the boy would catch his death of cold. Having +brought him a suit of clothes which Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher, had +left behind, Random Jack got into them, and though, as he said, they +were miles too large, they were better than nothing. He tied the +trousers round his neck, thrust his arms through the pockets, and thus +saved the necessity of a waistcoat. + +"Well, my little man," said the captain. "What is in the wind now?" + +Random Jack took a deep draught, and then said: "That is good, and warms +the cockles of my heart. Mother," he cried, turning to the landlady, +"fill me another glass. Now, my mates, the likes of what I have to tell, +you've never heard before. It will make your very hair stand on end, +that is, of course, those who have any, and for those who haven't, no +matter. Better to follow my example and fortify yourselves with good +stiff glasses, three fingers deep, if you take my advice, and little +water. No doubt, my mates, you have all read of mutinies, conspiracies, +and such like; I have one to tell you about, that will surprise you." + +"My goodness!" cried the landlady, as she busied about her orders. "Just +hear how the little man talks!" + +"Your news, my lad! your news!" came from many, as they one and all +eagerly crowded round the little middy. + +"Lend all of you, your ears, my mates. Knowing that the governor was +from home and that the cunning old fox was with him, I thought I would +just stow myself away on board the old ship there, just to see how they +passed the watches of the night. Just to see, mates, if I could catch +any of the weasels sleeping. Some of them are wide enough awake, I can +tell you." Here he winked at the company. + +"Throw it off, my lad!" cried the captain. "Don't go beating about the +bush, but come to the point at once. So you were a stowaway." They +contemplated the little middy with wonder, for most of them had never +seen a stowaway before. + +Random Jack, being thus exhorted and encouraged to make a clean breast +of it, disclosed the whole of the diabolical conspiracy of the cook's +caboose, and how it was that he had so frightened Billy Cheeks, the +butcher. This part of the proceedings caused no little merriment. Bob +Mainstay, having listened to the story from beginning to end, exclaimed, +as he slapped his leg: "Mates, I see land ahead. It strikes me we have +old Bill on the hip at last. Madam!" he said, turning to the Beggar +Woman, who had remained a silent listener to the midshipman's story. +"Madam, with your help I think we shall be able to dish old Dogvane. +What with the Church Hulk in danger and old Squire Broadacre on the war +path, and general discontent all round, the devil must be in it if we +cannot clear the ship of its present vermin." The Beggar Woman promised +to do her best, for her sympathies were for the most part with the Port +Watch; perhaps, because on the whole, they treated her best. She was +given an order to get a spic and span new outfit of silks and satins, +and she received invitations to many feasts, but frequent adversity made +her bear this turn of fortune with becoming modesty. + +The Port Watch were now in high spirits and began talking of what they +would do when they took charge of the ship. The little middy was highly +complimented; and the captain promised to reward his courage and virtue +with a good billet. He was pretty well sure now of promotion. + +"Who laughs now?" cried Random Jack. "I owe one to Master Dogvane and to +Billy Cheeks. The cook, he is a Jack-pudding, and I will baste him well +with his own dripping." These were bold words; but the cook did not hear +them. + +"Now, my lads!" exclaimed the captain, "we must work with a will. Would +that our master had returned; but we must make things ready for him when +he does. Away some of you on board the old Church Hulk. Wake her crew +up, and let your cry be Church in danger. Others of you hasten to the +Squire and tell him there are robbers about." + +"A toast before we part," cried Random Jack. + +"Here is general damnation to old Bill Dogvane, and all his crew!" All +laughed, and the toast was drunk with enthusiasm, and they were all just +about to separate when some one fired a shell amidst them by saying, +"How about the Ojabberaways?" + +"To make any compact with them," said the captain, "would be an unholy +thing." + +"Any port in a storm," cried Random Jack, who was now, what with the +grog and the flattery he had received, in high feather. "They have their +price; are they worth it? If we don't buy them old Dogvane will. There's +the rub." + +Here the noise outside of two women wrangling claimed their attention, +and one and all ran out to see what was the matter. They found Liberty +and the Beggar Woman in angry altercation about a lout of a boy. Indeed, +boy he could scarcely be called, for he was approaching nearer to +manhood. It was Demos. "Indeed, madam!" cried Liberty with a sneer, "it +does not appear from your dress that you are held in very great +estimation amongst my master's people." Patriotism had not yet received +her new clothing. Then Liberty continued in the same tone: "You are +somewhat old-fashioned methinks! What would you have me do with my boy? +Would you have me clap a gag in his mouth, or muzzle him as if he were a +dog in the dog-days?" + +"You need not pamper and pet him," exclaimed the Beggar Woman, "until he +becomes a perfect nuisance to every one. Why don't you teach him to work +for an honest living?" + +"Because the boy is not strong; besides, he does not like work, do you, +dear?" + +"Why should I work," cried Demos, "when others play? Others live and +fatten in idleness, why not I?" + +"Bread that is buttered too thickly is not wholesome food," was the +Beggar Woman's reply. + +"The boy is a clever boy," exclaimed Madam Liberty. "He is wonderfully +good at speaking; and he is good at figures; and he shall not be kept +back; shall you, dear?" + +"Mind he does not turn and bite the hand that has fed and petted him," +replied the Beggar Woman, and the two parted. + +The old coxswain, as he watched the retreating steps of Liberty and her +boy, said: "There you go with that spoilt brat of yours. A wilful woman +never yet wanted for woe, and to spoil a child is to put a rod in pickle +for your own back." + +A quaint sound was now heard, like the wailing of a pig in pain. Some +thought it must be the cook playing a tune in the early morning upon his +barrel organ; but the sound did not come from the direction of the old +ship. It turned out to be the national music of the Ojabberaways, and +presently a voice by no means untuneful, sang, "Come back to Erin, +Mavourneen, Mavourneen." + +The Ojabberaways were serenading both Liberty and Patriotism, while in +the back ground was the cheap-Jack Jonathan, who provided the dollars +for the serenade, also for other entertainments which the Ojabberaways +got up to please themselves and annoy the old Buccaneer. + +Opinions varied very much as to whether the Port Watch did, or did not, +make a treaty with these people. Such a thing could scarcely be +conceivable; but for party purposes either watch, it was said, would +sell themselves to the devil. Some went so far as to say that Random +Jack had had something to do with it; but then, when anyone comes out of +obscurity, there is scarcely a thing that he is not supposed to be +capable of doing; and a place is found for his finger in every pie. +Happy is the man who never leaves the smooth, broad, and well-beaten +path of mediocrity! He will escape many evils, and even slander will +pass him by for the most part with contempt; for her sport is with +bigger game. "This only grant me, that my means may lie too low for +envy, for contempt too high." So sang a poet long years ago. + +It was generally believed that old Bill Dogvane had a secret +understanding with these Ojabberaways. There can be no doubt that he +smiled upon the boy Demos, who was showing signs of giving trouble. He +was becoming intoxicated with the very worst of all things, namely, his +own self-conceit, and the old hands shook their wise heads, and said +that if the Buccaneer was not very careful this boy would break out and +disturb the peace. This child of Madam Liberty was a difficulty; and how +to treat him became a matter of the gravest consideration. Be kind to +him and he would mistake it for weakness, and take advantage of it at +once. Kick him, beat him, or try to drive him, and he became as stubborn +as an ass. All agreed that he required a very strong hand, and yet not +too rough a one. The conspirators of the cook's caboose were one and all +on the boy's side; and the cook himself acted the part of an indulgent +foster father to him. Buttering the boy's bread as thick as he possibly +could, and giving him constantly cakes and other sweetmeats; some said +this was done out of pure contrariness, because Pepper could not be +happy if he were as others; but while the cook told the boy that he was +being kept out of his just dues by an idle lot of rich drones, and +hinting to him that it would be no great crime to put his hand into the +pockets of these people, he said not a word about sharing his own +worldly goods with the boy; and the cook had laid up for himself riches +upon earth, but he was a wise man, and took good care that no thief +should break into his house and steal. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX. + + +The Port Watch mingled about amongst the people and told them of all the +wonderful things that had happened, and of the many more wonderful +things that would be sure to happen if they did not at once combine +together and get their master, the old Sea King, to change the watches. +Of course the doings of the Port Watch could not be concealed from the +Starboard Watch, who went about contradicting, and swearing there was +not a word of truth in the whole thing. + +The cook took under his especial care the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber, and +it is tolerably certain that happiness would not come to Pepper on his +death-bed, unless that lumber room with all its antiquated furniture was +cleared out of the old ship, and replaced by some assemblage of men as +clever as what the cook was himself; but to get the modest number of +only twelve such men, in a whole kingdom, would be almost impossible, +and this is providential. + +The butcher was not idle. He did not speak much; but when he did, it was +to the purpose, and no one could say more cutting things than could +Billy Cheeks. He also thought a good deal; he was driven to this +extremity because most people, and most things, were beneath his notice. +The carpenter took under his care the family of Hodge; the members of +which were generally accredited with a full share of stupidity and +ignorance; but it is wonderful how the aspect of things changes when you +want to get anything out of people. Then we find virtues that were never +seen before, and that the individuals themselves never even dreamt of. +Then in the distance was the large family of Sikes. No one as yet had +found much virtue in them; but they were ready for anything that might +turn up, outside of it. + +"Honest Hodge," cried the carpenter from the top of a barrel, "for +generations you have been oppressed." + +"'Ave I now?" exclaimed Hodge, scratching his honest head. "I thought +summut was wrong." + +The boy Demos who had been playing pitch and toss with the cook, left +the game to attend to what looked to him more like business. + +"For generations," cried the carpenter, "you have been ignored and +defrauded by one whose rights are arbitrary, and almost absolute, for +they extend from the heavens above, to the earth beneath, and to the +waters under the earth." Demos became a most attentive listener and he +liked the tack the carpenter was on. + +Chips continued, "The minerals are his. The timber is his, and so are +the birds of the air, and the fish that swim in the streams, and I +suppose that the greater part of all that the industry and toil of man +has added to the original value of that property, is now practically +subject to the land owner's sole consideration and good. Now I want to +see you, honest Hodge, replaced upon the old squire's land, at a fair +compensation, of course." + +Upon hearing this Demos winked at Hodge, but the latter being very slow +of intellect, and moreover honest, did not take the wink in. + +"But," said Hodge, "if the squire won't part, maister; what be we to do +then?" + +"If the squire will not do his duty," replied the carpenter, "he must be +made to." + +"And what be we to get out of it?" Hodge asked. + +"The least you can expect, will be three acres and a cow," was the +carpenter's reply; or the reply of a friend of his. + +Here one of the Sike's family pushed his way to the front, and +addressing himself to the carpenter, said, "Master, what are we to get +out of this crib you're agoing to crack?" + +The question being an extremely awkward one to answer, the carpenter +pretended not to hear it. This is always a safe way out of such a +difficulty if the questioner be not persevering. + +The Port Watch struck a more popular, and at the same time, a more +honest chord. "Look!" they cried, "at our market places! They are full +of the cheap produce of our neighbours, who do a thriving business while +our own people are starving. They bring their goods here without let or +hindrance; but they shut their own doors against us, or make us pay +toll. Look at the river there! that used to be crowded with our own +craft. Now you see the flag of every nation floating upon its bosom, +while our own ships are rotting for the want of something to do. Foreign +competition is ousting you from your markets as the marten ousts the +squirrel from her nest. If you want a coat, or a pair of trousers made, +in comes your foreign tailor who will sew and stitch for sixteen hours a +day for what is barely sufficient to keep body and soul together. If +you, my lads, come down, he will come down lower." + +At this speech loud cries of indignation rose up from a multitude of +listeners, and the spokesman of a crowd of sailors, jumping up on a tar +barrel, exclaimed, "Damme, my mates! (It is a bad habit, but sailors +will swear.) The gentlemen of the Port Watch says true. We are being +weathered by these lubberly furriners, who visit our shores in shoals +like mackerel; and thus take all the wind out of our sails. Damme, +mates! they are that mean that a well worn quid won't escape them, can +we work against such varmint as these?" + +"No!" came from a thousand hoarse throats. + +"Is it right, my hearties," continued the speaker, "that the old man +should treat us like this?" + +"It ain't right," came from all sides. + +"Where would our master be now without us?" cried the sailor, "where +will he be if he allows these furrin chaps to put us down below hatches? +Who then will he have to trim and shorten his sails when the stormy +winds do blow? Will these fellows club-haul him off a lee-shore in the +teeth of a gale of difficulties; or fight for him his battles? Not they, +I'll swear." + +The old sailor's yarn met with very great approval, and as is the custom +with all sailors they freely damned their own eyes, and hitched up +their trousers and swore that things were not as they ought to be; but +the cheap-Jacks still went about amongst them and sold their goods, and +people bought. Up too spoke many others, and there was scarcely a man to +be found, or woman either, that was contented. + +There was a movement amongst the crowd and the old cox'sn came forward, +and getting up on the place vacated by the sailor, cried out: "Heave to, +my hearties, whilst you hear to a brother sailor spin you a yarn." There +was a feeling now pretty prevalent that they were in for a good thing. +"No doubt," he said, "many of you here know me by name." + +"Aye, aye, Jack, we know you," came from many; "you are as long-winded +as a sky pilot, or as old Bill Dogvane, and any one knows he has wind +enough to fill the sails of a line o' battleship." + +The old cox'sn, nothing daunted, continued: "Belay talking, my lads. No +doubt many of you know me by name, but many of you have no other +acquaintance with me, more is the pity say I. Long-winded I may be; but +I don't go about emptying myself like a wind-bag; but let that fly stick +to the wall. Many a voyage I have taken with my old master, and when on +the Spanish main together, looking out for the Don, we learnt a thing or +two. The Spaniards say, my lads, that it is always a good, and safe +thing, to search well yourself when anything goes wrong with you, and +that is what old Jack Commonsense tells you now. You want our master to +do this, and to do that, to protect this trade and that; but damme, +shipmates, legislation never yet stopped a leak in a cask, nor made a +stale egg into a fresh one. My mates! you are all of you heading in the +wrong direction. There are breakers ahead, so put your helm down and go +about as soon as you can. Don't you listen to those wiseacres who are +going to put everybody and everything right. The cook, he is a clever +lad, and can spin a cheerful yarn, but let him stick to his trade, and +the same I say to the carpenter and the butcher. You can never put an +injury right by committing a wrong, and if the carpenter or anyone else +wants to put his hand into the squire's pocket, he is only inviting a +thief into his own house. Let the cook then keep to his galley and cater +for the general public. His dishes are spicy, and then when he treats us +to a tune in his leisure hours upon his barrel organ, well, so much the +better, for there is no harm done." + +The crowd began to show signs of impatience, and old Jack was made +painfully aware that he was not a popular orator, for the lovers of +freedom hooted him; but he was not easily put down. "Here, lads!" he +cried, "is where my Spanish proverb comes in. Search well yourselves, +and see if any fault lies at home. It is no use anchoring yourselves by +your starns, and crying out that trade is going, and that the +cheap-Jacks are taking the wind out of your sails. You ain't obliged to +buy from them, and who brought them over, pray? If trade is gone from +amongst you; it is yourselves that you have to blame. In years gone by +you combined against your employers; I don't say you were at all times +wrong, but evil counsel sat at your boards, and with your bushel of good +came a sackful of bad, you drove your trade out of doors and now you cry +out: 'Help us or we starve!' If your platter and your pewter pot be +empty, you have yourselves to thank. No song, no supper, is a good old +saying. If you, my hearties, won't work your fair time for your fair +wage, there are others who will. When you combined against capital, +mess-mates, you frightened, if you did not kill, the goose that was +laying your golden eggs. She is a timid bird and will only lay where she +gets peace and quiet. Having done all this, you are now crying out to be +protected, and think that all will be well again if this thing and that +thing are only legislated for; but legislation, my lads, as I've said +before, never yet bolstered up either a rotten state or a decaying +trade. You may stop for a time the footstep of the one or the other, but +the fall will surely come again unless you tap the part affected and +stop the hole with good, sound, solid material. Look at you servants! +Why, you are always on the move; some of you even are idle and insolent. +Do you not see the gaunt form of Poverty in front of you? Away then will +go your airs and graces, your flaunting ribbons and your finery Beware +how you listen to the teaching of Demos. He is a dangerous companion and +generally turns and rends those who have housed and fed him. A bridle +for the mouth of an ass, and a rod for the back of a spoilt child." + +There was here some good-natured bandying of words, and old Jack was +recommended to try the bridle himself, just to see, as they said, how it +felt and how it fitted. Jack being a good-tempered fellow, continued his +harangue: "My advice, my hearties, to you is this. Turn to and live +thrifty lives. Take your hands out of your pockets. Do away with the +quart pot and you will increase the amount of stuff upon your platter. +If you cannot do away with the pewter altogether--and I am no +teetotaller myself--then reduce its size to at least a half. By a strict +regard to economy, and by practising self-denial and by cultivating your +understanding in a proper direction, try to turn out a better and a +cheaper article than your neighbours and so beat them on their own +ground. Do this, my hearties, and you will win back trade and regain +your place in the markets of the world." + +The old coxswain had been listened to for some time with a respectful +attention; but the doctrine he preached was not at all in keeping with +the general sentiments of the disaffected, who were stirred up and +incited to violence by Demos and his disciples, and very shortly there +was a disturbance of a serious nature. It was commenced by Demos, who +having gathered a crowd of followers round him, began to speak to them +in language peculiarly his own. The consequence of this was that some +one from amongst the crowd, aimed a brickbat, with too true an aim, at +the Buccaneer's old coxswain, who amidst the delighted yells of the mob +was knocked over. The excitement now was intense, for though old Jack +was not killed, he was severely bruised, and shaken, and taken very much +by surprise. Those who have never heard the angry howl of an infuriated +mob of Buccaneers can have no conception of the savageness of its sound. +The war whoop of the wildest Indians is soft compared to it, and the +roar of hungry wild beasts is less terrifying. Demos with what he called +"the people" now rushed to an open space, beautifully situated, but +called the Place of Discord, where four grim lions watch night and day, +but they never interfere, and nobody minds them. Here Demos harangued +the multitude; told them they were being starved and trodden under foot, +by the drones of the island. His language was violent in the extreme. He +called upon them to break their chain of slavery and to elect as their +ruler King Mob. This was but natural, so up on their shoulders they +hoisted the bloody tyrant and cried out: "Havoc and robbery; now shall +the gilded thieves disgorge their ill-gotten wealth." Away they made for +the rich quarters of the Buccaneer's fair city, intent upon plunder if +not murder; but they were met by the guardians of the peace, behind whom +came the old coxswain with a chosen band, cutlass in hand. He called +upon his men to rally round him. Now commenced a battle between the two +factions. The partisans of King Mob nerved on and excited by the hope of +plunder fell upon the champions of law and order. Heads were broken and +the combatants fell struggling to the ground, and the crowd swayed +backwards and forwards in fierce strife. At first the old coxswain and +his side seemed to be getting the worst of it, but he fought like a +veritable demon, laying about him in a fashion well worthy of the +Buccaneer's best fighting days. + +What seemed most strange was, that the watchword was the same on both +sides, namely Liberty. Step by step, the old Coxswain was beaten back +through a narrow gorge which opened on to a small square in the centre +of which was a statue representing Victory in her idle hours, playing at +quoits. This open space was flanked on one side by a museum of Naval and +Military antiquities, glorious relics of a glorious past. On the other +side of the square and away from the narrow gorge was another museum, +which was filled with a most valuable collection of ancient fossils, and +other scientific remains. Back into this open space the old coxswain and +his men were forced. Inch by inch they disputed the narrow way. Old Jack +every now and again let fly a quaint oath or two; but as he afterwards +said, the occasion justified the deed. In a voice of thunder he kept +cheering his men on, crying out, "Rally, men! Rally!" Just as King Mob +was pushing old Jack extremely hard, assistance came from an unexpected +quarter. + +The uncrowned queen had shut herself up indoors; but Madam Liberty upon +whom both sides had called, came now to the front and allied herself +with the coxswain. Knowing full well that if she allowed the ugly faced +monarch to gain the day, she herself would, in all probability, be bound +hand and foot, and cast into prison, with a gag in her mouth, she threw +all her weight on the side of the coxswain, and brought up just in time +her numerous followers to the rescue. Demos when he saw his mother +against him, made use of most disrespectful language, calling her all +kinds of bad names, which will not bear repeating. Just as Liberty +reinforced the coxswain in front, the Beggar Woman who was now mounted +on horseback, attacked King Mob with a strong force on his flank. Thus +assailed, and without either drill or discipline the would-be monarch +wavered, then turned and fled through the Place of Discord. The retreat +was disastrous, and his followers were driven back well within their own +quarters. As they went they did what damage they could; smashed windows +and laid their hands upon everything of value that came in their way. + +Thus was Demos and his father for the time at least defeated, and the +old coxswain and his allies were hailed as the saviours of the people. +In olden days, no doubt, he would have been accorded by universal +acclamation a triumph, when he would have made a public entry into the +Buccaneer's great city, mounted on a magnificent horse richly +caparisoned; with his two lieutenants, Liberty and Patriotism, riding +one on either side of him. Such things, however, have long ceased to be, +and now we can only read of them in the pages of history. + +The Buccaneer's people celebrated the victory in a manner more in +keeping with their character and disposition. When the noise and turmoil +of the battle were over and the fighting men had left off swearing; when +their passions had cooled down a little, the bells upon the old Church +Hulk rang out a summons to prayers. The joyful sound was taken up by +every belfry on shore, and soon the clang of the iron tongues vibrated +all over the island. The many idlers took their last sip at the cup of +pleasure. The churches filled; the people prayed, the priests all +preached and the great Hat was sent round. That was never forgotten, no +matter what was going on. Many consciences were eased and all were +strengthened and made more ready for the wear and tear of everyday life; +while the cheap-Jacks took advantage of the pious moments of the +Buccaneer's people to push their trade. + +It is not to be supposed that the Buccaneer's Press gang were idle on +such an occasion. But to their credit it must be said that they all, +with about one exception, forgot their little differences and took the +side of law and order against the followers of King Mob. + +But now the big mouthed cannon belched forth the joyful tidings of the +Buccaneer's return. Loud cries of welcome greeted his ears as he stepped +ashore. "Hail! all hail! to the old sea king; to the mighty trader! Hail +to the Defender of the Faith, the ruler of the sea; to him on whose vast +dominions the sun never sets! Hail! all hail," so cried the people. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI. + + +The first thing that saluted the Buccaneer's ears after all the +rejoicings at his safe return were over, was a low, dull, rumbling sound +as if distant thunder. + +"What is that?" he asked of Dogvane. + +"I know not, sir; but the atmosphere is heavy, and there may be a storm +abrewing; but I hear nothing." This was an official statement on the +part of Dogvane that was wide of the truth. + +The art of lying has already been touched upon; but there are many kinds +of lies which have not been enumerated. There is the oblique lie, the +lie direct. The lie by implication and insinuation; and passing by the +various kinds of social lie there is the official and the diplomatic +lie. The latter is very much superior to the "lie vulgaris" or common +lie, and it moves in the very best society. It is a most polished +courtier. The official and diplomatic lie require very great skill and +study so as not to betray their owner. They require also a natural +aptitude, a schooled countenance, so that neither the eye, the voice, +nor the mouth discloses their secret. Your diplomatist especially, to be +successful, should be indeed a most refined and accomplished liar. + +Dogvane knew very well what the rumbling sound was. It was the Drum +Ecclesiastic. He thought for a moment and then muttered to himself, "Who +the devil has set that old instrument going?" Then after a pause he +said: "The handiwork, I'll be bound, of that young rascal Random Jack. +Drat his little skin! He's always in mischief." + +But louder and louder grew the sound, and in a short time there could be +no disguising the fact that the Church was sounding the alarm. Dogvane +thought it best to take at once the bull by the horns. "It's a bold +party stroke, sir," he said, "a very bold party stroke and well worthy +of the other watch. Knowing your love for the old craft, God bless her! +they have tried to frighten you. Their goings on are really shameful." +But now a most imposing procession formed up on board the Church Hulk +and headed by the High Priest, proceeded on board the Ship of State and +discovered to the Buccaneer and his trusty captain the vile and sinful +plot of the cook's caboose. + +No doubt in olden times the cook, the butcher and the carpenter, with +his mate, would have been cursed with bell and book, when the devil +would have put in an appearance and have carried the conspirators away +with him bodily to his infernal regions; but cursings have gone out of +fashion. In fact they seem to have lost their power, like drugs that +have been too long kept. The High Priest told the Buccaneer that his +cherished Church was in danger. That in fact there was a conspiracy +afloat, to board and rob her, and then to cast her adrift, when Heaven +alone knew what would become of her. Of one thing he felt certain; the +many flocks would wander about without shepherds, or would be tended by +those of inferior learning and understanding. The High Priest then began +to lecture the Buccaneer, thinking no doubt that he was the same pliant +and penitent gentleman as of old, when he was ever ready to fall upon +his knees and cry, "I have sinned." But now when the High Priest told +him that the danger to his Church was brought about by his selfishness, +worldliness, and general religious indifference, and that to counteract +all this accumulation of evil he ought to humble himself and scourge +himself inwardly by prayers and fastings, the bold Buccaneer opened out +in an altogether unexpected manner, and said: "Should not all this be +done by my State Church? At least," he added, "set me the example, and +where you lead there will I follow; but it is no use your pointing up +the steep hill which leads to heaven and bidding me walk, while you and +all your followers drive there in a well cushioned carriage and pair. If +my Church is in danger, the danger comes from within, and you have no +one to blame but yourselves. Let the crew of your ship, my lord, cease +squabbling amongst themselves about trifles. Let them set their face +against the pomps and vanities of the world, and let them look well +within to see if by chance any worldliness has got possession of their +own hearts." + +This cruel language shocked the Buccaneer's High Priest, and he was +about to reply; but the Buccaneer stopped him, saying; "Stay, stay a +minute, in the past you have lectured me a good deal and told me, no +doubt, many a home truth, and I thank you. I now return you the +compliment, for it may be of service to you, as you say your Church is +in danger. All things on board that old Hulk there are not as they +should be; for while some of her crew lead the life of Dives, too many +have to walk in the footsteps of Lazarus. The labour and the hire are +not equally divided. I am going now to look a little more into my +affairs, and I shall soon call upon you to render a just account of your +stewardship. Many of you do not act as if you believed in what you +preach: the salt having lost in many cases its flavour. + +"How have the mighty fallen?" exclaimed the High Priest. The Buccaneer, +misunderstanding the words of the head of his Church, replied, "And +pray, whose fault is that? Perhaps there are hypocrites and even +Pharisees amongst you; those who seek the highest places in the +synagogues and at the social table, and who are worshippers of forms and +ceremonies." What wickedness was here! But this bold, bad man continued +in the same strain, or stay, it may have been the wicked devil who was +making this eminently respectable and pious old Buccaneer, his +mouthpiece. "Has pride, arrogance, and self-sufficiency any place in +your hearts?" he asked. "Has my priesthood fallen and been led captive +by mammon and selfishness, and while they fix one eye constantly upon +heaven, do they not with the other look too lovingly upon the earth? +Fast then and pray yourselves, for thy faith may be weak, and as the +Israelites of old fell away and worshipped more gods than one, so too +may my priests have set up some graven image or images, and here may lie +the danger. Search well yourselves and put your ship in order. It is no +use preaching to the world abstinence if you do not practise it +yourselves. Our religion was placed in poor soil, tended and cared for +by mendicant labourers, and it flourished. The workers now are of a +different caste, the spirit of the first teachers has passed away, and +the flower fades." + +This was not a bad specimen of pulpit oratory, coming as it did from an +old gentleman who had commenced life as a pirate; but it is well known +that the greater the sinner the greater the saint. The language of the +bold Buccaneer was fully discussed and fully condemned, and the great +Church drum still kept beating. The sound went out all over the land; +was heard upon many a hearth, and put fear into many a breast, for the +old Church Hulk was dearly loved, with all her faults, more especially +by the Buccaneer's women, in whose eyes a priest was little less than a +god clothed in a decent suit of black. + +But what was going on on board the Church Hulk all this time? The +burning question of Church in danger was pushed aside, and high above +everything else the voice of controversy could be heard arguing upon a +matter of the deepest import to all the world. It was the question of +eternal punishment, which, alas! can never be satisfactorily settled; as +to whether the soul that dies in sin is surely for ever damned. The +adventurous spirits who had started this rank and soul-destroying heresy +of hope even beyond the grave were few in number. These seemed to have a +beautiful faith, if an erroneous one, in God's unbounded mercy, which, +overtaking the poor lost soul before it entered the gates of hell, might +in some cases bring it back to the bright realms of eternal bliss. For +so rank a heresy there was perhaps neither authority nor justification, +and it did more honour to the hearts of the schismatics than it did +credit to their understanding or learning; so it was thought. The +majority of the disputants stuck, however, to the penal clause, which +says that the soul that dies in sin shall surely perish. These fortified +themselves behind ramparts built up of dogma and bound together with the +strong and lasting cement of human passions. Over the battlements they +hung out their banner, on which was emblazoned the words, "No +Surrender." The little band were driven back and had to seek +consolation in the thought that no matter what is said and done, God is +the God of Mercy. + +Poor, poor soul, how heavily you are weighted. Given passions, and +desires, and all kinds of forbidden fruit placed well within your reach, +with a longing to taste. Pluck, and you are straightway handed over to +the devil, to be flagellated, tortured, and burned everlastingly. So it +is said. Ye priests, in the past, what a heaven and what a hell have ye +made for human beings! See the father torn away from his fair-haired +child and hurled headlong to the bottomless pit, where there is nothing +but weeping and gnashing of teeth, and a fire that is never quenched. +See the mother taken away from her erring son, and winged up to heaven +with a bleeding, broken heart. See the sister with her loving arms +twined round some lost brother's neck, and crying out in her anguish, +"Lord! Lord! let me share his lot; let his misery be mine. Let me +moisten his parched lips with my tears. Where he lies let me lie also." +But the bitter parting has to come, and while one sobbing is taken to +Heaven, the other is sent to Hell. In the dark clouds that superstition +has hung over trembling humanity we see a little rift, as vivid in +brightness as when the Heavens are cleft with lightning, and through the +rent we see pale-faced Pity weeping for the loss of her children. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII. + + +A day having been set apart by the Buccaneer's High Priest for solemn +fasts, prayers, and humiliations, to counteract as far as possible the +evil effects which might be expected to arise from the impious conduct +of the Buccaneer, and devilish machinations of the conspirators of the +cook's caboose; and all the wise men in the island having been set to +work to find out the exact pressure that the ecclesiastical wrath had +upon the square inch of the social atmosphere, things sank down again to +their usual level; for no storm lasts forever. + +The captain of the watch, old Bill Dogvane, now summoned all the +conspirators before him, and rated them well for their folly and want of +forethought in setting the big drum of the church going. "Don't you see, +my lads," he said, "that things aren't ripe yet for such a sweeping +measure? All in good time; all in good time. But first and foremost see +which way the wind is blowing, and which way the current sets, and then, +my hearties, steer your course accordingly." + +The conspirators affected very great surprise; said that the whole thing +was a gross misrepresentation; a mere game got up entirely by Random +Jack, who, having stowed himself away, had listened to a private +conversation they had had in the cook's caboose. + +"Well, my lads, I think the storm is over, and the dust this time is +laid; but Chips, my man, where is your mate?" It now came out that +Chisel was ashore in tow of a lass, and when a sailor is so situated he +is never fit for duty. + +Just as old Dogvane was congratulating himself upon having got, as he +thought, into smooth water again, there come a hail from the shore of +"Ship of State, ahoy!" + +"What the devil is in the wind now?" cried Dogvane, as he took a look +over the ship's side. At the same time the Buccaneer, who was below, +called up to know who it was that was calling. "Ah!" said Dogvane to +himself, "I ought to have known that that old coach was a slow one to +travel." + +"Ship ahoy!" came again. "Who is that?" demanded the Buccaneer. + +"It looks uncommonly like old Squire Broadacre, sir," was Dogvane's +reply. Now this old gentleman had at one time been extremely well off, +and had kept up great state and open house; keeping many retainers, +feeding many mouths, but hard times had overtaken him, and he was now +sorely pinched, and even poverty was seen on the outskirts of his +property, and was drawing nearer to his door every day. The Buccaneer +ordered a boat to be sent ashore. + +"Send a boat ashore!" muttered Dogvane. "Why, a line of battle ships +would not hold him and his cargo of grievances, I know." However, a boat +was sent, and the old gentleman was ferried on board. The captain of the +Starboard Watch seeing the conspirators together abreast of the cook's +galley went up to them, saying, "A pretty kettle of fish you fellows +have put upon the fire. Here is some more of your handiwork." + +The butcher chuckled to himself, and said, "If you fellows had nipped +round and caught Random Jack, all this bother would have been saved." +The butcher was always criticising. + +"Ah! Billy," replied the carpenter, "like many another clever fellow, +you are extremely wise after the event; you see, it is not for you to +talk; if you hadn't had a nervous attack you might have caught him +yourself." + +All further discussion was put a stop to by the appearance on board of +the old squire, who seemed to be completely overcome with excitement. He +told the Buccaneer that he had it on the very best authority that he was +to be attacked and robbed, and he came to demand protection. Of course +in the abstract being a member of the Buccaneer's family he had a right +to protection. Things, he said, had come to a pretty pass if honest folk +were to be deprived of their property without people saying with your +leave or by your leave. + +The squire, following so closely upon the heels of the church, aroused +the anger of the old Sea King, who always on such occasions, made a +scapegoat of some one, and he now tried to make Dogvane perform that +most necessary but disagreeable office, but the captain was much too old +a bird to be caught either by chaff, or to have salt put upon his tail. + +Then no sooner had the fears of the old squire been somewhat allayed by +Dogvane declaring that it was all a party trick, than fresh trouble +arose; for the Ojabberaways taking advantage of the state of affairs, so +acted as to stop all business, and played on board the ship their old +game of "Mag's diversions," or the "devil's delight." But amidst all +this confusion there was one bright spot, and that was the noble way in +which the old coxswain had acted. When the Buccaneer heard of it he was +delighted and determined to reward him by elevating him to some high +position on board the Ship of State. Indeed, so impressed was he with +old Jack's abilities, that he was for sending him at once to the Upper +Chamber; but Jack said he would rather decline the honour, for the +members were proud, standing very much upon their dignity, and he feared +they might give him the cold shoulder. Besides which, he feared that as +the cook had taken a dislike to that establishment it could not last +long. Then the Buccaneer called to him Dogvane, and ordered him to find +honest Jack some post of distinction in the after part of the ship. + +The captain of the watch demurred to this, saying it would be a most +unconstitutional thing, and he contended that to raise so ordinary a +personage as Jack Commonsense from a position that was humble to one +that was exalted, and make all at once an officer of State of him, would +be fraught with extreme danger. In all probability everybody would +resign, for such an honest, straightforward fellow as the cox'sn was, +would be sure to rub the whole crew up the wrong way, which everyone +knew was a most dangerous thing to do; putting the fat in every way upon +the fire. He plainly intimated that to promote Jack Commonsense would +probably bring about discord, which might end even in revolution. +"Heaven only knows, sir!" he exclaimed, "we have wrangling enough as it +is on board the old ship." + +The Buccaneer thought the matter over, and said that he was considerably +disappointed, as he felt sure that Jack would not disgrace himself at +the council board. A thought seemed suddenly to strike him. "As you will +not have him here, Master Dogvane, I will make a bishop of him. His +presence on board the old Church Hulk will be an advantage to every one, +more especially in these critical times." He at once hailed the old ship +alongside, and expressed his wishes. There was a solemn conclave at once +held, and all the divines who were conspicuous for their learning and +piety were called together to consider so grave a matter, and after a +careful discussion, which lasted many hours, they arrived at the +conclusion that the old cox'sn could not on any account be made a bishop +or given even a place of any importance on board the Church Hulk. They +intimated that it would be more in keeping with a modest demeanour if he +contented himself with his present lot in life, and they pointed out +that pride which had turned satan himself out of Heaven was altogether +to be condemned. Besides, they said, they feared that if they gave the +old cox'sn a permanent place on board their ship he would in time +undermine the whole of their authority, and bring down the sacred +edifice about their ears, and that the High Priest and other +ecclesiastical dignitaries would be buried in the ruins, and forever +lost to the cause of religion. The members of the Solemn Conclave +admitted that Jack Commonsense was an inestimable and even religious +fellow, and that in the Buccaneer's realms he had nobly done his duty; +but as virtue was at all times its own reward, the old cox'sn could not +want any further recompense. Besides, they added, he had received no +ecclesiastical education; knew little or nothing of the Levitical Law, +or of the Fathers of Theology, and could not therefore be expected to +wrestle against the Devil's first lieutenant, Heresy. + +Thus poor old Jack's doom was sealed; but when he heard that neither +ship would have him at any price he was not down-hearted, but went on +his quiet way as before; giving himself neither airs nor graces like so +many people do. Old Jack was not one of those ambitious, self-confident, +self-seeking fellows whose only virtue is unbounded impudence, and who +are forever thrusting themselves forward, not caring two straws who +falls, or who is thrust to the wall, so long as they can struggle and +keep to the front; holding up before the eyes of the people their +farthing dip, and swearing its light is equal to ever so many candles, +or even oil lamps. + +"Well," said old Jack, as he trudged away, "if I do not rise, neither +shall I fall. Let those who like soar up on the butterfly wings of +ambition, I'll have none of it myself. Sooner or later old Dame Fortune +turns round her wheel and up comes her eldest daughter and pins your +butterfly to the earth with the sharp-pointed pin of adversity. Then +where are you?" + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII. + + +So far so well. The storm had been avoided. The cook and burly butcher +bowed their heads humbly before their captain; for no matter where he +led they were prepared to follow. Some said that the cook could only +expect promotion by sticking through thick and thin to the coat-tails of +old Dogvane; but the carpenter's spirit was mutinous, and he showed no +disposition to dance either to the cook's organ, or to be monkey-led by +the captain of the Starboard Watch. + +Although the Buccaneer was somewhat pacified, he determined to look into +things a little more himself, for, as he said, there could not be so +much smoke without a certain amount of fire. To begin with, he told the +captain of his watch that he intended interviewing the heads of some of +his departments. Dogvane tried to dissuade his master. He said it would +be unconstitutional and all sort of things. That the officials would not +like it. They could not bear meddling; it hurt their dignity. But it was +of no use, the Buccaneer was determined. + +The high State officials who had the management of the affairs on board +of the old ship thought, like most other servants, that they could best +serve their master by squandering his money; and they did it right +royally. Perhaps royally is not the proper word, for royalty is often +careful, if not close, with its own money, whatever it may be with other +people's. + +The lavish manner in which the Buccaneer's servants spent his money was +conspicuously shown in the administration of his army and navy, and in +fact in all his public works. The one great principle being to spend a +pound in laying out a penny, no matter whether it was a ship of war that +had to be built or the mouth of a poor starving person that had to be +filled. Whether this waste was due to carelessness, stupidity, or +ignorance, or to a combination of all three, matters little. The result +was the same. + +Finding his master was not to be put off, Dogvane began to cry up his +wares like the long shore cheap-Jacks. + +"Your Navy, sir," he said, "is in excellent condition, though of course, +the watch on shore deny this; but that is according to custom. We have +placed your navy in the hands of those who have been chosen on purely +constitutional principles. Here again, we show that we are not the +revolutionist that our enemies would make us out to be. Your first lord +of the Admiralty we have selected from amongst those who are +distinguished for their ignorance in all maritime matters. Men who do +not know a ship's head from a ship's tail. I believe I should, to be +quite correct, call it stern. It is of course a difficult thing to find +amongst an insular, and sea-faring people, any man absolutely ignorant, +but we do our best, and no man can do more. One thus selected, sir, on +purely constitutional principles, is more likely to be free from +prejudice than your professional man, and he is likely to exercise a +healthy check upon your sea lords, whose predisposition is to drift into +bloated armaments and bloody wars. This, of course, means money, and +your expenditure is already more than any of your neighbours, and if we +have not as many ships, sailors, and soldiers, as we ought to have, or +than what your neighbours have, we at least spend ever so much more +money, which must be to you an extreme satisfaction. If they say, look +at our armies! we say, look at our expenditure! Your fellows do not cost +a quarter, or a fraction as much, man for man, as our fellows do, or +ship for ship. Cheap things, it is well known, are not only not good, +but they are frequently nasty. Although your first lord may be totally +ignorant of all things pertaining to the sea, he is ably assisted by +distinguished sailors, and your first sea lord is ever ready and willing +to set your first lord right when he goes wrong, which he seldom if ever +does, or if he does we never receive any official information on the +subject. They all support their party. They see nothing they ought not +to see, and are at all times ready to swear that whatever is, is right, +as far their watch is concerned, and that whatever is, is wrong, as far +as the other watch is concerned. Honest sailors can do no more." + +"Master Dogvane, is this as it should be?" the Buccaneer asked. + +"Most assuredly, sir. It is most constitutional, and according to your +general custom." + +"Master Dogvane, I have found you to be of a sanguine temperament. You +told me my people were prosperous and contented. I have my doubts, and I +shall satisfy myself. But of that anon. Let my first lord of the +Admiralty be called." + +The first lord was down below listening to the first sea lord spinning a +yarn, and he was trying to learn how to do it; because at times he was +called upon to spin yarns with reference to his department. As has been +already stated in this most truthful history, there was a time when the +Buccaneer ruled the stormy ocean. He was then one of the finest sailors +that ever trod a plank or made use of a strange sea oath; but times had +changed, and many thought that modern innovation had taken the wind out +of his sails, and that he at present traded upon his past reputation. +But people must say something. + +The first lord of the Admiralty appeared. "Now, sir," said the +Buccaneer, "take charge, and let me see what you can do." The whole +sea-faring world had been so changed and modernized since the old +Buccaneer had commanded in person, that he really knew very little about +things; but ignorance can always be concealed by a discreet silence. + +The first lord being thus called upon to show his professional +knowledge, cried out, "Ease her! backer! stopper!" This was addressed +through a speaking trumpet to the old Church Hulk alongside; but as she +had never been known to move for years past, what the first lord said +was without effect. Indeed the crew of the old Church ship were busily +occupied in trying a rebellious priest who would neither mend his ways, +nor leave his pulpit, but breathed defiance against the High Priest and +all his ecclesiastical big guns. + +"What is all that about?" exclaimed the Buccaneer, addressing his first +lord. + +"Those, sir, are nautical expressions I have picked up on the river," +replied the first lord, "and I believe they are technically correct. If +they are not, I have no official information on the subject." + +The old Buccaneer not willing to display his ignorance, said, "I want, +sir, to know what state your department is in. What have you been doing; +and how are my ships?" + +"I have spent your money, sir, right well. I have bought some very fine +and fast new cruisers, and I gave as much for them as I decently could." + +"How is this?" cried the Buccaneer, "I used to be the first shipwright +in the world." + +"Rest easy, sir," Dogvane said. "These goods are of home manufacture. It +is your custom in times of peace to let your shipyards lie idle; but +when a scare comes, as come they will, in the best regulated nation, +then we buy your ships from private firms, and having husbanded your +wealth, you can the more readily give high prices in cases of +necessity." + +"But is this wise, Master Dogvane?" + +"It is constitutional, sir," was the captain's reply. He might have +added that it was also a customary thing to sell these ships, for which +so much had been given, for a mere song after the panic was over. + +The first lord continued, "Then as to what I have done, sir, I have had +the Admiral Superintendent's house at your principal naval station +thoroughly repaired, cleaned, and re-decorated. All your ships that +float are in a serviceable condition, and as they have no enemy to +contend against, except the elements, they occasionally run into one +another, just to keep their hands in, and occasionally a ship is sunk or +disabled. Although we have a due regard for your great wealth, we do not +encourage a too frequent repetition of this, as it is extremely costly. +There is still 'a sweet little cherub that sits up aloft and looks out +for the life of poor Jack.' That is, he would no doubt sit up aloft if +he had anything to sit upon or any place to put it." + +"You see, sir," exclaimed Dogvane with delight, "what excellent hands +your navy is in. Your first lord can also tip you a stave, as they say +at sea. He can sing you 'Oh! Pilot, 'tis a fearful night,' or 'All in +the Downs,' he is also exceptionally good at a break down." + +This high praise quite pleased the first lord, and wishing to advance +himself still more in the good graces of his master, he said, "I can +take an observation. I can use the strangest of sea oaths, and I can at +all times make it eight bells." + +"A man, sir, who can at all times make it eight bells, must needs be a +good sailor," Dogvane said. + +"But let me see him work the ship, Master Dogvane." + +The first lord being thus called upon to show his professional skill, +told the sea lord to stand by and look out for squalls, which he +accordingly did. + +"Close by fours--" cried the first lord; but the sea lord stopped him at +once by saying, "Steady there, shipmate! you are getting mixed." + +There was now a long discussion between the two lords of the Buccaneer's +Admiralty. The first lord declaring he never mixed, the first sea lord +declaring that he did. "Anyhow," cried the latter, "put your helm down +and go about." + +"Aye, aye," cried the first lord. "Helm's a lee; raise tacks and sheet. +All hands splice the main brace!" + +"Capital! capital!" exclaimed Dogvane, "your first lord, sir, is indeed +an excellent sailor. He can actually splice the main brace and I feel +sure that must be a most arduous undertaking; requiring much skill and +intelligence. He seems, indeed, to be gaining so much knowledge of his +profession that I shall have to move him to some other department, +probably the army; he has some slight knowledge of military matters, but +not enough to render him unfit for the post of secretary of State for +war. Fortunately the heads of your different departments are all +inter-changeable." + +"How about his accounts, Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked. + +"Ah! there, sir, I think you will find his ignorance most creditable. +Accounts are a sort of thing that no high official could possibly be +expected to understand." + +"What does my sea lord say?" asked the Buccaneer. + +"Rivet my bolts and split my plates! what do I say." + +"Note, sir, the change," Dogvane exclaimed. "It used to be shiver my +timbers, you see, sir, your first sea lord is quite in keeping with the +progress of the age. These changes of course have not been brought about +without much trouble and at great expense." + +"What do I say, your honour!" cried the first sea lord, "why clear the +decks for action and strike up the band." + +"What!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, as the blood mounted to his face, "are +we going to have a naval engagement? I have not seen such a thing, +Dogvane, for these many years past." + +The Buccaneer now looked on with surprise at the first sea lord, who, +having thrown aside his cocked hat, folded his arms and danced round the +deck on the circumference of a circle. + +"What is all this, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked. + +"He is going to dance you a hornpipe, sir. Your people are particularly +fond of such things and they would come in crowds from miles away to see +your first sea lord do the double shuffle." + +"But I don't want to see it, so stop him. I want to know something about +my ships." + +With very great difficulty the first sea lord was stopped, for he was +well under weigh and it was some little time before they brought him up +by hanging on to the swallow tails of his coat. + +"What do I say?" he cried. "That must depend very much upon what I am +expected to say. How's your head, captain?" This was addressed to +Dogvane and was meant as a signal of distress, and not as an expression +of solicitude for Dogvane's cranium. The hint was taken and the captain +said that their master wanted to know if his ships were well found and +whether he still ruled the sea. + +To this the sea lord replied, "Every ship, sir, that is not in Davy +Jones' locker, has the sea well under her, and, therefore, it may be +asserted that she has complete control of the sea." + +"Davy Jones' locker!" cried the Buccaneer in amazement, "why I sent very +few of my ships there in olden days and my enemies sent still fewer." + +Dogvane explained to his master that rapid strides had taken place in +all things naval and that great changes had been brought about. "We have +been so pressed for room, sir," he exclaimed, "that we have been obliged +to turn Davy Jones' locker into one of your principal dockyards, where +we keep many of your ships which are not required for immediate use." + +The first sea lord doused, as sailors say, his starboard glim, and +contemplated old Dogvane with the other, while a look of admiration and +a jovial smile played over his weather-beaten face as he answered: + +"Aye, aye, sir, and every year we send a ship or two there to be +repaired. The remainder we tinker up ourselves." The old Buccaneer made +no answer. Things had evidently changed very much indeed since he was +himself afloat, but it never does for a master to display a want of +knowledge before his servants. As to whether the Buccaneer had lost his +skill in seamanship and ship-building was merely a matter of opinion. +But there could be no doubt that anything he had lost in one direction +was amply made up by what he had gained in the tinkering line. Here he +could not be surpassed. + +"All your guns," continued the first sea lord, "that are neither cracked +nor burst are in excellent condition. Every ship that does not want for +anything is particularly well found, and your sailors, sir, are as jolly +and rollicking a lot of devils as ever turned a quid or drained a tot of +grog." + +"Capital! capital!" cried Dogvane, as he clapped his hands with delight, +"such skill and knowledge must be rewarded. We must bestow some high +distinctions upon these two officials. We must ennoble them and send +round your Hat of maintenance." The lords of the Admiralty were then +dismissed. + +In passing, it may be said that the old Buccaneer had navigated the +world in ships that, beside his present monsters, were but as cockle +shells, and all his great victories had been gained on board his old +wooden walls; but now his seamen were incased in iron or steel and had +to live and fight almost under water, and it was a matter of constant +dispute as to whether the Buccaneer had ships enough even to defend his +own shores. Some people going so far as to say that not only had he not +enough ships, but that he had no guns for what he had. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV. + + +The Buccaneer's War Minister now received his summons, as in naval +matters, so in military. The high official who had charge of his army, +and was responsible for the safety of the Buccaneer's vast empire, was +totally ignorant, or nearly so, of all things connected with the +military profession. When Dogvane descanted upon his ignorance of all +things military, the Buccaneer exclaimed: "Stay, Master Dogvane! if my +body is ailing should I not send for a physician, one skilled in +disease? If my mind is disturbed upon some spiritual matter should I not +send for my spiritual adviser? And if I want a legal opinion should I +not go to my lawyer?" + +"If you did, sir, I do not hesitate to tell you that you would be acting +in an altogether unconstitutional manner." + +"What! then if I want a coat made I should not go to my tailor? If I +want a pair of boots I should seek some other than my shoemaker to make +them?" + +"Undoubtedly, sir, for such ever has been your custom, and who will say +that it has not worked well; for you are both wealthy and great. Your +plan ever has been to put the roundest of men into the squarest of +holes. It is a fortunate thing, sir, that human nature is so pliable +that it can adapt itself to any condition." + +The War Minister was in his particular part of the ship, occupied, +together with the most eminent of the Buccaneer's military officers, in +testing and trying which of all the advertised food for infants was best +adapted to the requirements of the Buccaneer's military babes. They had +not settled this weighty matter when the War Minister received his +summons. Not being a soldier he was completely taken by surprise, of +course no soldier would allow himself to fall into such a perilous +position; but to show his comrades that he had not lost his self +possession he altered somewhat an old song of the Buccaneer's to suit +present purposes, and went away merrily singing: + + "I'm afloat, I'm afloat + In the old Ship of State, + The sailor's profession + I cordially hate." + +No doubt his thoughts were wandering back to the time when he himself +had been at sea. In all probability he had had charge of the Buccaneer's +navy and becoming too full of knowledge had been removed to the army. +When he appeared before his master he became quite flustered. The +official mind does at times, it is well known, play sad tricks, and +displays upon occasions the most wonderful oblivion. When asked as to +the state his department was in, he replied: "Quite ship-shape, sir, and +ready for sea." + +"It appears to me, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you are at sea." + +"Am I? Then let me go below. Like many others, I suffer until I get +accustomed to the up and down motion. The lee lurches and weather rolls +disturb me. The smell of the oil and tar is offensive, and the result is +painful. Then the sailor's quaint oaths I cannot understand. I dare not +chew, I cannot smoke, and I do not care to drink, so I feel convinced I +was never meant for the sea." + +The War Minister was brought sternly back to his senses by Captain +Dogvane, who told him in a severe tone to "wake up," and remember that +he was at present in charge of the Buccaneer's Land Forces. + +The War Minister was profuse in his apologies, and said: "In my time, +sir, I have filled so many posts that I occasionally get confused. Your +Army, sir, is most efficient, and I am proud to be able to tell you that +you pay more for your food, for powder, than any other nation under the +sun. This to one of your vast wealth must be a source of the greatest +satisfaction; indeed, it must be a glorious thing to contemplate. We +have recently made vast preparations, which of course have been +costly." + +"This, sir, is as I told you, and will account for the money you +advanced me, over that little affair in the East." + +"Ah! Master Dogvane, how is that going on?" + +"Excellently well, sir," was Dogvane's reply; "at least I have no +official information to the contrary. At present, sir, things nearer +home claim our attention." + +The War Minister continued: "We have laid in an immense amount of +warlike stores, and these, as every one knows, are most costly articles, +and it takes far more to kill a man in the present state of military +science than it would take to keep him alive and in comparative comfort +to the crack of doom. On paper, sir, I can mobilize an army, on paper I +could place it in the field and on paper I could feed and clothe it. I +could, if called upon, club either a battalion, a brigade or even a +division." + +Dogvane was not a soldier, but he thought it right to encourage his +subordinates whether they were right or wrong, so he exclaimed: +"Capital, capital!" Then turning to his master, he said: "Beyond this, +sir, you could not expect your War Minister to go. For a general +deficiency in professional knowledge I feel sure it would be hard to +find his equal. For your practical information you must go to your Field +Marshal Commanding-in-Chief, than whom I am told you have no better +soldier, and no one has done more to stamp out from amongst your +soldiers the pernicious habit of using bad language; and this has not +been done by any brutal exercise of power, but all by kindness and the +force of good example." + +"Then my Field Marshal never swears?" the Buccaneer asked. + +"Never, sir; at least," he said aside, "hardly ever." + +The Buccaneer, being a very religious man, was very pleased to hear +this. "But what is all this I hear," he said, "about my poor fellows who +are fighting for me not having proper food?" + +"The campaign in which you are at present engaged in the East." + +Dogvane stopped the War Minister abruptly, and went into a long +explanation. He drew many subtle distinctions as before, between +different kinds of warlike operations some of which he said, though +offensive in form were purely defensive in essence. In fact, if looked +at from a proper point of view were no operations at all. Dogvane's +reasoning was of such an obscure nature that nobody could understand it, +and there were doubts in the minds of some as to whether Dogvane himself +understood what he was talking about. + +The Buccaneer, fearing he might get out of his depth if he followed his +captain too far, came back to the main charge, and said to his War +Minister: "I am told my soldiers' food was so bad that they could +scarcely eat it. That their tea and coffee was mere filth, and that even +the water they had to drink was of the vilest description, and this too, +when I am surrounded by the newest inventions which will make the +muddiest stream as pure as crystal, and I spare no expense?" + +"None whatever, sir," was the War Minister's reply. "I can assure you we +pay the highest price for everything, and we can do no more. We have +heard no complaints, and vague rumours we never heed." The official ear +on the Buccaneer's island was quite as deaf as what the official eye was +blind. Dogvane said he should not be at all surprised if all these +reports were put about by the other watch, or as likely as not by that +busy little devil, Random Jack. "All about your War Office, sir," he +said, addressing the Buccaneer, "look particularly well fed, and are +well clothed. I have not seen a crack in either coat or trouser. They +seem to want for nothing, and they are, I presume, a fair sample of the +whole; but satisfy yourself, sir. Ask your Field Marshal if he is well +fed and well clothed, and as the fountain-head, so, no doubt, is the +stream that flows from it. No expense has been spared, I can assure +you." + +"And so, Master Dogvane, you all think to serve best my interests by +squandering my money, which goes into the capacious pockets of the money +grabbing rascally contractors." + +"We have it, sir, on the authority of your only general, who, though an +Ojabberaway, is worthy of credence, that, at no time in your whole +history has your army been in so excellent a condition." + +"Have I then only one general?" the Buccaneer asked in surprise. + +"Only one that we have officially any knowledge of; for further +information on that subject, sir, I must refer you to your +Commander-in-chief. Your military administration is distinguished for +its very great zeal and energy. For long and weary hours--in fact, from +10 o'clock in the morning till 4, or even 5 o'clock in the dewy evening, +the busy brains of your War Office officials are constantly at work +grinding up all military ideas to a common level of official pulp, and +it says a very great deal for the quality of the official brain that it +has never yet broken down under the severe strain that has been put upon +it. There has not been, as far as I know, a single instance of well +authenticated madness inside your War Office. Go to your arsenals, and +you will find them a busy hive of industry. The hive is occasionally +blown up by an explosion, but the operatives, as a class, are happy and +contented. Your military nurseries are full of the most promising +children, who will, should they survive the many ills that childish +flesh is heir to, develop, no doubt, into most excellent soldiers. Is it +not so?" This latter was addressed to the War Minister, who said that it +was, and added: "They have all been vaccinated, and most of them have +had the measles, and not a few the whooping-cough. In olden days, sir, +your battles were fought by the scum of your populations. This great +blot in your military system we are eradicating, and in the future, sir, +moral force, which, it has been estimated, is equal to about three to +one of physical force, will play no mean part in all your military +undertakings. Therefore, multiplying your units by three gives you a +first fighting line of over 500,000 men, with a total fighting power of +about one million and a half." + +"Take care, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you do not make my soldiers +too thin skinned. A pampered dog won't fight, and a hound too finely +bred will not face the prickles of a gorse bush. Whatever my soldiers +were in the past they fought well, and have built up for me a +reputation, that I hope my soldiers of to-day and those who lead them +and those who guide them will know how to keep. The deeds, Master +Dogvane, of the brave lads that are gone are written on tablets placed +on the walls of the Temple of Fame. Let no foul breath of calumny be +breathed over them, for whatever sins they have committed have been +washed out with their own blood. One thing, Master Dogvane, they at +least had, and that was, good trusty steel." + +Dogvane took the hint, and thought that a little candour would best +serve his purpose. "It has come to my ears, sir, that our modern steel +is not quite up to the mark, so to test it I have ordered a Royal +Commission to sit upon our bayonets and cutlasses, and if they can +support without bending or breaking so severe a strain, their temper +must be good indeed. It has been said too, amongst other things, that +your machine guns occasionally jam and I will not deny that it is so, +when they are in the hands of your sailors, but, then, they are such +merry devils that they would jam almost anything." + +The War Minister now being called upon to continue his report, said: +"Your militia, sir, which has always been considered the backbone of +your army gives us little or no consideration, and it seems to get on +very well without our interference. Whatever care, attention, and +patronage we have to spare we bestow it upon your volunteers--a most +worthy body of men, costing you but little; not encumbered with too much +equipment, and fed and nourished almost entirely upon official butter, +which is the cheapest of all articles of food, on a recent occasion, +sir, when you were engaged in operations in Egypt." + +"In Egypt!" the Buccaneer exclaimed, and the hot words of the gipsy came +back upon him, and he was lost for a while in his own moody thoughts. + +For a time the War Minister spoke to deaf ears. "You bought thousands of +camels, and mules, and pack-saddles innumerable. After the purchase was +completed we were delighted to find that these saddles were for the most +part perfectly useless, as they would not fit any animal in your +possession, so we were enabled to sell them at a considerable loss." + +"Is this right, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked, waking up. + +"It is quite constitutional, sir, and is the result of your peculiar and +long cherished system. I do not say that things would not work better +under a round hole for a round man plan; but you are so accustomed to +the other that to change might be dangerous. It would certainly be +revolutionary." + +The War Minister continued. "In purchasing your stores, sir, we also +acted upon principle and custom. We gave as few orders as possible to +your own people; but distributed them as evenly as we could amongst your +neighbours." + +The Buccaneer was about to make a reply; but Dogvane nipped it in the +bud by saying: "It is quite constitutional, sir." If this was so of +course the old Sea King had nothing to say, for he loved his +constitution. + +"Our beef and pork," said the War Minister, "we get from our cousin, the +cheap-Jack Jonathan. Our sauce we get from your neighbour, Madame +France." + +"Do you remember what a neatly turned ankle she had, sir?" said Dogvane, +who, like all sailors and not a few landsmen, had a great admiration for +the ladies. + +"Our pickles," the War Minister continued, "we get from Germany, and are +of a well known brand, high flavoured and satisfying. As we are the very +best tinkers in the world, our pots, pans, and camp kettles we make and +mend at home. We feed your full-grown soldiers on worn-out +draught-bullocks brought over from Holland, and on the most delicious +messes. We give them a highly flavoured stew peculiar to the +Ojabberaways. They have had an abundance of Egyptian hash. This again +has been varied by a goodly supply of Indian curry, Afghan ragoût, and a +very savoury mess peculiar to Burmah. I may just mention in passing, +that through the most creditable carelessness on the part of one of your +generals we got rid of a very large number of camels, which were +slaughtered by the enemy; thus saving us the trouble and expense of +their keep. For any other information I must refer you to your Field +Marshal." + +Dogvane dismissed this official, praising him very much for the state of +his department. + +When the distinguished soldier appeared, who was at the executive head +of the army, he stood in the attitude peculiar to soldiers. His head was +erect and every limb was rigid, and the arms were extended by the side +of the body, fingers straight and closed on the thumbs, which were in a +line with the seams of his trousers. This is the easy and graceful +attitude of military respect as laid down by regulation. + +"How, sir, is it that you have allowed my army so to deteriorate that I +have only one general?" asked the Buccaneer, as he cast upon his Field +Marshal a look of pride. "At one time I could count them by the scores." + +"Sir, two kings cannot sit on one throne, and at present your island is +not sufficiently large to hold more than your only general." + +The Buccaneer showed extreme solicitude for the well being of his only +general, whose life was, of course, extremely precious, so he exclaimed: +"Field Marshal! I command you on all occasions to protect the life of my +only general. Form yourself into a rampart round him and save him from +the bullets of my enemies. Even as David in the days of old sent Uriah +the Hittite to the front of the battle, so send I you, should I be +engaged in any military operation either of an offensive or defensive +nature." + +The Field Marshal, commanding in chief, no doubt felt keenly the very +great confidence thus placed in him, though of course it would not have +been in keeping with the tradition of his profession to show any outward +signs of exultation. + +The captain of the watch, seeing the great concern that the Buccaneer +had on account of the dearth of generals, and knowing his love for the +Bible, tried to console him by saying: "Fear not sir! that Providence +which shapes our ends, rough hew them as we may, will find you with +other generals, even as Abraham was provided by Heaven with a ram in the +bush." + +Sometimes the most trivial circumstance will ward off the most serious +catastrophe, and the remark of Dogvane gave the old Sea King an +opportunity to indulge in a little pleasantry. "A general in the hand, +Master Dogvane," he said, "is worth two in the bush." Now, however small +a joke may be, or indeed however heavy and obscure, it is the duty of +all subordinates to see it at once, and to laugh at it immoderately. +This was shown to an eminent degree even in the Buccaneer's Courts of +Justice, the atmosphere of which was so charged with judicial gravity +that the slightest possible humour on the part of a judge was quite +sufficient to convulse the whole court and bar with laughter. The +Commander-in-chief being in uniform could not laugh as much as he would +have done, had he not been so buttoned up. It was his duty to appreciate +the joke of the Buccaneer, and in a matter of duty the Field Marshal was +never found wanting. Dogvane laughed as immoderately as if the joke had +been his own. The clouds having been dispelled by merry peals of +laughter the Buccaneer asked if his soldiers were as good as those who +fought at Ramillies and Waterloo; these being two of the Buccaneer's +most famous battles. The Field Marshal was obliged to answer this +officially. He said that as far as brute strength and physical force +were concerned, that perhaps the soldier of to-day was not quite equal +to the soldier of the past; "but," he added, "what he has lost in +stature and chest measurement he has gained in morality and sobriety. +The men of Ramillies drank deeply, and those of Flanders swore terribly +hard, so we are told; no doubt on account of some peculiarity in the +climate; but now, sir, by the force of my own good example I have done +very much towards stamping out the pernicious habit of making use of bad +language from amongst your soldiers." + +"So I have heard," replied the Buccaneer, "and it does you extreme +credit." What a gross iniquity to call so good a man as our Buccaneer a +psalm-singing, old humbug! It only shows what a hold envy, hatred, +uncharitableness, and even malice, have upon the human mind. + +"Field Marshal!" said the Buccaneer, addressing the Commander-in-chief, +"you have done well, and it is my intention to reward you. I can bestow +upon you no greater title than you at present possess, and of income +you have ample, so I cannot increase that; but knowing how much you have +at heart the welfare of the profession which you yourself so much adorn, +I wish to give you some mark of my high esteem and favour. I therefore +command Dogvane, that my army be at once increased by one man and two +boys." + +Hearing this the Commander-in-Chief was overcome with emotion, and +Dogvane said, "My master is indeed generous. I am myself much against +bloated armaments; but still it is as well to strike at times a little +awe into our neighbours, who are always peacocking about Europe, and +they will respect us all the more. With this increase, and the aid of +our reserves, and our brave auxiliaries, our army will be placed on a +war-footing. No doubt all this will not be without its effect upon the +Eastern Bandit, and will assist King Hokee in his undertaking." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV. + + +In spite of what Will Dogvane had said to the contrary there was +discontent in the Buccaneer's island. Now the sound was far away; now it +surged up and dashed against the old gentleman's ears like the angry +surf upon the sea-shore. It is necessary to make some little mention yet +of the cause of this disaffection. His toilers and his moilers were +undoubtedly very much better off than what they had been, and +considerably better off than those of many of his neighbours. They +earned more wages, and worked less hours, and in recent years wages had +increased nearly twofold; but it must be owned that they were less +thrifty, and loved too well their pewter pot. His population, however, +had increased to such an extent, and other nations had entered into such +competition with him, producing many things as good and as cheap, and +even very much cheaper, that he had lost the control over the markets of +the world, consequently many even of the skilled hands were idle, and +for the unskilled, the weakly, and the sick, their case was still +harder, yet every mouth had to be fed, and every body clothed. All kinds +of medicines were prescribed by the multitude of doctors, who were +forever trying to treat the disease. Then behind those above alluded to +there came a gang who would only work at cutting throats and picking +pockets, and who were always ready to join in any cry, or any movement, +that might tend to advance their particular calling. + +The carpenter had addressed the family of Hodge on more occasions than +one, and he had told them that they were the most pathetic figure in the +whole of the Buccaneer's social system, for that they were condemned to +unremitting toil, with only the poor-house before them. Alas! that the +cry should ever come from honest Hodge that all he asked for was work. +This poor fellow does commend himself to the sympathy and compassion of +all; for the sunniest side of his life is to work with bent back and +horny hands from sun-rise to sun-down. But he was not the most pathetic +figure in the Buccaneer's island. Behind him Poverty came struggling +along, and with barely food enough to keep body and soul together, +brought forth and increased without the slightest thought for the +morrow. Pity was forever trying to help her, and over her sad lot she +shed an abundance of tears. The old coxswain tried to reason with her; +but all to no purpose, she clung to her wretched hovels and held on her +own way. Nature took her in hand occasionally, and taught her a lesson +in a rough and ready fashion. Our universal mother is not soft-hearted, +and she never spoils her children by sparing the rod, so when Poverty's +family becomes overcrowded, she works off the surplus by disease, when +the guilty and the innocent suffer alike. Is not Mercy to be seen +standing in the back ground? + +The old Buccaneer thought to find some healing power in the fruit taken +from the tree of knowledge, so that Poverty's children partaking thereof +might learn somewhat of the blessings of thrift, temperance, industry, +and self-denial. But is not the fruit of this tree somewhat like that +flower of which a celebrated friar once said: + + "Within the infant rind of this small flower, + Poison hath residence, and medicine power." + +In the above nature of things lay the root of very much of the +discontent. The tools lay ready for the worker's hands. The worker being +that human wind bag, called an agitator; one who would find fault with +the order of things even in heaven itself. + +This wind bag is forever holding up before the eyes of his dupes a +picture painted in the most gorgeous colours; plenty without labour, and +a general basking in the sunshine of idleness. He points the finger at +wealth, and cries out with a loud voice, "There lies the cure for all +your suffering; see how high above your heads the rich man looks. Go +take, eat and be merry, to-day live, for to-morrow you die." To the +empty stomach, and the ragged back this doctrine has a pleasant sound. +Neither is it without its effect upon that large multitude who have to +earn a scanty living by the sweat of their brow. The uncertainty of the +daily bread; the fear of sickness, and the cry of hungry children open +the ears sometimes even of the well disposed. Then amongst many other +things, man is by nature a lazy animal, and will not work except in rare +instances, unless necessity compels him. Take the noble savage of whom +honourable mention has already been made. He only hunts by compulsion; +for want of food in fact, which, having found, he lies down and sleeps, +and idles his time away until necessity prods him in the stomach again, +and sends him off to his happy hunting grounds. Man is the same wherever +found, and if anybody will provide him with food and clothes, without +any exertion on his part he will not say him nay, nor will he show much +gratitude. He will soon learn to look upon it as a right. + +There were a good many kind-hearted people in the Buccaneer's island who +were doing all they could to develop and foster this innate love of +idleness. Already the people had their food for the mind given to them +free of charge in the shape of free libraries, and soon the cry for free +food for the body might be expected to rise up all over the land, to be +followed in due course by a demand for community of property. This, +indeed, was already being whispered about. It is an unmitigated evil to +take from the individual the responsibility of keeping himself, and +bringing up his family. He will not work if you do, and the train of +poverty becomes increased, and there is no limit to the extension. As +the Devil even is supposed at times to quote Scripture, so do the wind +bags, who play upon the wants of the people, frequently base their +doctrine of universal plunder upon the teachings of Christ. But did not +a small band of early Christians try this share and share alike +principle? But it did not answer, and see what has come of it. The pomp, +magnificence, splendour and wealth of the Roman Catholic Hierarchy with +its Priest-King. Who too would think that the pride and majesty of the +Buccaneer's State Church with its High Priest clothed in temporal as +well as spiritual power took its rise from the teachings of Him, who +gathered on the shores of the sea of Galilee a few simple and faithful +disciples to whom He preached the doctrine of humility, chastity, +poverty, and love, and a charity as bountiful as the rain which falls +from heaven on flowers and weeds alike. Did He not say to them "Provide +neither gold nor silver, nor brass in your purses, nor scrip for your +journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves; for the +workman is worthy of his meat?" Ah! the meat, sometimes called hire; +there lies the rock upon which so many run, and their frail barks are +shivered to pieces; allured to their destruction by the songs of a siren +called Mammon. + +But the priest he has a stomach as well as the layman. He has a back too +which must be covered, and he has his many other wants that must be +attended to. One has taken to himself a wife, and he would fain have his +Lord excuse him, on her account. Another has many children who have to +be fed, clothed, and taught, and put out into the world. Then things +have changed since the days even of St. Paul. Wages have very much +increased, and around religion there has grown surroundings that must be +attended to for the sake of the uncrowned queen Respectability. Ask not +how all these mighty things have been brought about. Without doubt, the +Buccaneer's High Priest or anyone of his learned ecclesiastics could +explain all to you in a most satisfactory manner. They would tell you +how the Scriptures have to be construed to suit the needs of modern +Christians. The mighty "_This_" has he contracted and the small "_That_" +has to be stretched; but so long as an orthodox priest sits upon the box +of your coach and four, it matters little where, and through what he +drives. + +Briefly, it may be said, that community of property has no charm except +for that class of a community known by the name of rogues and vagabonds. +Then, as if the very Devil was in it, the Buccaneer's women were +beginning to cry out for more liberty, and disaffection seemed to have +taken a strong hold upon the female breast. The advanced portion of +these wanted to overturn the present order of things, and to put up in +its place, a sort of Hen Convention in which women were to have equal +rights and apparently man's privileges as well as their own. To tell +these women that they had a sphere, was merely to excite their ridicule, +and court their contempt. But the strangeness of the thing was, that +while the men were crying out because they had not work sufficient to +keep them in many cases from starving, the women wanted to increase the +difficulty still more by entering the same fields of labour. Of course +poor women must live, and if men are so selfish that they will not keep +them in the Holy bonds of matrimony, why, the women must keep +themselves. It is true that the men did show an indisposition to set +upon their hearth a rival, who instead of attending to domestic duties, +might give them a political lecture or a discourse upon either ethics, +philosophy, or science. The women too out-numbered the men; spinsters +growing more numerous every day, and as it is well-known that the +mortality amongst the males of all species is far greater than that +amongst the females, on account of the greater risk they run, the above +evil might be expected to increase rather than diminish, unless nature +took the matter in hand and balanced matters by an epidemic amongst the +women. But as matters now stood, the conspiracy amongst the Buccaneer's +female sex bid fair to be far more serious than that of the cook's +caboose. + +It has been said that the man who allows a woman to usurp his authority +is in a pitiful condition, for that it shows he has lost somewhat of his +manhood. One thing is certain, the woman he has to live with will not +respect him, and it is more than probable that she will take the +earliest opportunity to show her contempt. It is still worse when this +applies not to an individual here and there, but to the majority of a +people. + +What voice is that crying out that we insult the whole of womanhood? +Good lady, if you cast aside your bodkin, and take up the weapons that +have hitherto been considered as peculiar to man, you must not cry out +when you feel yourself injured. You cannot have your cake and eat it +too. "A foolish woman is clamorous; but a good woman retaineth honour." +So said one, who is accounted the wisest man that ever lived. + +It does not appear that the true position of woman in the world's +economy has yet been clearly defined. She was once man's slave. She is +now supposed, in all civilised countries, to be his helpmate and +companion, and in the Buccaneer's island she showed a strong disposition +to become his rival. Poetry has assigned to her a place amongst the +angels; reality, on the other hand, has frequently given her a place +amongst the devils. Then again she is supposed to be weak and fragile, +but though she may not be able to walk a mile in pure fresh air, she +will dance many, and several nights a week in the fetid atmosphere of a +ball-room. Although she takes little or no healthy exercise, the general +woman's appetite is good if not absolutely robust, and although they are +all more or less invalids, they generally outlive man. A recent +philosopher amongst the Buccaneer's people had said, when speaking of +woman, that though eminently adapted to that position for which God +apparently intended her, she is not from her constitution and make, +adapted to take man's place in the world, and by attempting such a thing +all concerned must lose. Unfortunately, the Buccaneer's advanced women +did not seem to see this, and they seemed disposed to quarrel with the +work of our Creator. The woman's character is conflicting. When she is +drawn by her sister, she does not at times appear in too beautiful +colours; for she is frequently depicted as vain, silly, jealous, weak, +cruel and revengeful, often kissing the sister she intends to stab, and +in this resembling somewhat those reptiles which slobber over the victim +they intend to devour. But is it the model or the artist who is at +fault? + +From history we learn that the presence of woman upon the earth has not +been an unmixed blessing, for she seems to have caused as much sorrow as +ever she has joy, and the estimation in which she was held in ancient +Biblical times is pretty well manifested by the author of the Mosaic +Cosmogony, who attributes to her the damnation of the whole human race. +Through her first act of disobedience man first tasted of the cup of +misery, and she has been holding the cup to his lips ever since. +Constituted as woman is, was it not cruel to place an injunction on that +fatal tree? for, tell a woman not to do a thing and she is pretty +certain to do it. Of course our first father did not act over +honourably. If he had been imbued with the principles of modern chivalry +he would have screened Eve; have sworn, perhaps, that she was not at all +to blame, and finished up by flinging the apple at the tempter's head. +But man ever had, and always will have an ungodly stomach, and so Adam +took the apple and did eat. Notwithstanding the chivalry aforesaid it is +generally believed that there are more Adams in the world now than what +there are Josephs, and if the trial of the apple came over again, man +would fall even as he fell before, though he were to be ten times more +damned. It is a thousand and one pities that the arch Fiend did not wait +until Eve had become a little old and ugly, for then Adam might have +refused the apple and the whole human race might have been saved. + +The Essenes would not marry, not because they denied the validity of the +institution or its necessity, but because they were convinced of the +artfulness and fickleness of the female sex. Then again, the Buddhist +believed, if he does not believe, that no woman could attain a state of +supreme perfection. The accomplished woman becomes man. + +Read where we will, and what we will, and let us bend our steps whither +we like, and we find that woman is generally believed to be at the +bottom of everything. We are told that Metellus Numidicus, the censor, +acknowledged to the Roman people in a public oration that had kind +nature allowed us to exist without the help of women, we should be +delivered from a very troublesome companion. But, though man still +growls, poets still sing about woman, lovely woman, and though man +sometimes finds her a devil, painters still depict her in the form of an +angel, and man's imagination fills heaven with beings in her shape and +likeness. + +To be just; has not woman somewhat to complain of? Was she not made +after man, and, as some think, of the refuse material? Then again has +she not been sent into the world with, on an average, five ounces less +brains than the allowance given to man? And has she not, from the very +beginning, been obliged to bear patiently, and for the most part with +meekness, all these slights and insults? And to finish, was she not made +as a meet and fitting companion for man? Who will be so impious as to +say that she was spoilt in the making? Alas! we cannot do without her; +no matter how uncomfortable we may at times be with her; and a smile, or +a tear, on a pretty face will blot out and efface all the splutterings +that fall from the pen of ill nature. + +What man is there who has not created in his mind some womanly idol, and +here often lies the misfortune; for idols will fall and break into +thousands of pieces; but until the catastrophe happens, we worship at +our shrine and look upon fair forms with heavenly faces; bright radiance +is shed over every feature, and we are in an atmosphere free from all +impurity. We look up to and adore a being whose soul is never clouded by +a base thought; whose chaste and cherry lips never give utterance to a +tainted word. One who can be pure without being a prude; gentle and +charitable without there being a suspicion even of foolishness; one who +can be sensible without being masculine, and innocent without being a +vain and frivolous idiot. + +Do I dream? Hush then! do not wake me. Let me wander on, if only for a +brief space in the realms of fancy. I will build for myself castles, and +will people them with fair fantasies. What lovely faces do I see! fit +indexes for pure and intelligent minds. Complexions never touched by the +paint soiled fingers of Art, but as delicate as the petals of a lily, +with the faint blush of the setting sun resting upon them, the whole +crowned with a woman's glory dipped in sunshine and not in dye. What +lovely forms, clothed in silver sheen and girdled with golden belts made +in the armoury of the King of Day! + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI. + + +The Buccaneer not being able to obtain any reliable information, for +reasons already mentioned, and the voice of the disaffected becoming +louder and louder every day, he determined to hold a grand court, when +all grievances could be made known, and all wrongs if possible +redressed. + +When old Dogvane heard of this fresh departure of his master from the +beaten paths of custom, he was very much disturbed. "What, my master!" +he said, "take the muzzle off people's mouths? Rest assured, sir, that +wherever there are human beings, there will be discord and discontent, +which, if encouraged, will soon break through the bounds of moderation +and flood the whole country. Think you, sir, there is a single one in +all your realms who looks upon himself as well treated, though for many +of them hanging would be too good? Say but the word and every molehill +of discontent will be turned into a mountain of no mean size." + +It was of no use, the Buccaneer had made up his mind, so the +proclamation was sent out and vast preparations were made. There was +soon great commotion all along the hard. People busy, and a constant +running to and fro. Loads of timber were brought and placed all ready +for the carpenter's hands. There was very much sawing, chiselling and +hammering from early morning until late at night. Bit by bit a huge +structure was built up just in front of the old Constitution public +house, which was, for the time, quite hidden from view by the tiers of +seats, which commencing from a low dais or platform, rose up to a +considerable height behind, being as high indeed as the roofs of the +tallest houses. On the dais and in the centre, there was placed a chair +of State, and the seats immediately behind this were of superior make +and were draped with crimson cloth of superior quality. The awning +overhead was of cloth of gold, and banners were fixed in every suitable +place, while tall flag poles reared their heads and displayed a cloud of +different coloured bunting. Flags of every nation were to be seen, and +altogether it was a noble sight. Then all the windows along the hard +were dressed out gaily, and festoons of natural and unnatural flowers +were hung about from poles, windows, and roofs. The old Ship of State +was decked in holiday attire, and flags fluttered in the breeze from her +mast heads down to the very water's edge. It was indeed a noble sight to +see the Buccaneer's two ships, and his chief city thus arrayed. + +The day at length dawned that was to witness this wonderful pageantry. +Almost as soon as the first ray of light peeped over the head of +departing night crowds of people began to assemble. The old Ship of +State fired her morning gun, and the ship alongside of her called all +the pious Buccaneers to prayer, and hymns rose up on the morning dew. + +The leaders of the disaffected began to marshal their respective bands. +There was the sound of music, for on such occasions, people can not get +on without it. It soothes the savage beast, so it is said, and in other +ways does good. Curious idlers with open mouths, full of wonder, passed +to and fro, for such a sight had never been seen before. + +The hour came for the great march past to begin, and Liberty, who was +the mistress of the ceremonies, was trying with very great difficulty to +keep her motley crowd in order. The brazen-throated trumpets now brayed +out the notice of the approach of the great Buccaneer, or fighting +trader. How he now styled himself will be shortly seen. With slow and +stately step the great man walked, preceded by his lion and followed +immediately by his trusty coxswain old Jack Commonsense, who was got up, +regardless of expense, for the occasion. The Buccaneer walked between +walls of his subjects, and listened, no doubt, with extreme pleasure to +their shouts of welcome and delight. To see the great is at all times a +gratifying spectacle, when the treat is not repeated too often. After +the Buccaneer had passed his people and had taken his place in the +chair of state, they began to make their comments. "Ah!" said some, "he +is not the man he was." "Yes, yes," cried others, "he is indeed sorely +changed. See how gingerly he treads; how fat he has grown; he is +terribly out of condition. Did you notice, too, that his lion has lost +most of his teeth?" It could not be denied that the bold Buccaneer's +step was not as elastic as it used to be. He was not the gay, +rollicking, hard hitting old sailor that he was in days of yore. Luxury +had begun to mark him as her own, and much energy of action is never +found in her train. He looked puffy and bloated, and altogether, as some +of his people said, out of condition. A voice from the crowd exclaimed +that a good healthy skunk would be far more serviceable than that old +lion. It was the cheap-Jack Jonathan. It was wonderful how he tried to +pass off that skunk of his upon other people; all of whom had no doubt +plenty of skunks of their own. But Jonathan was such a boastful fellow +that he would not be beaten even in a matter of skunks. + +Behind the Buccaneer came a numerous retinue of priests, ministers, +soldiers, sailors, statesmen, officials of every degree and parasites of +all kinds and descriptions, for, of course, so great a man could not be +without his fair share of these human insects to feed upon him. The +Buccaneer having taken his seat, with his coxswain standing behind his +chair, the numerous and splendid retinue filed on to the platform and +took up their respective places behind. First of all came the Lords +Spiritual and then the Lords Temporal, and then the rest of the goodly +company, according to their rank and condition. Just as everything was +ready there was a slight confusion caused by an angry discussion between +a pimp and a parasite about the order of precedence; but the dispute was +happily settled without bloodshed. Both watches were, of course, present +on so great an occasion, and amongst the rest were the conspirators of +the cook's caboose. The magnificence of the assemblage was gorgeous in +the extreme, and dazzling, for all wore their robes of state. Jonathan +thought he saw a favourable opportunity of doing a little business, so +he began to offer blue spectacles of a cheap make, and at a seductively +moderate price to the assembled multitude. + +Many shouts rose up as some well-known personage passed to his place, +and to save trouble Dogvane kept on bowing acknowledgments for all. +Pepper, the cook, who sat between Billy Cheeks and Chips, with the man +who had been thrown overboard on one occasion, just behind him, tried +very hard to make himself big enough to attract public notice; but he +was only partially successful. Just in front of the platform, but off +it, there was a railed-in space for the Press, to the members of which +the Buccaneer was obliged, as has been already stated, to be +particularly civil, for if affronted, not only would they turn upon him +and lecture him, but they would abuse him plentifully into the bargain. +They all had in front of them their pots of ink, coloured according to +the party they served. Better kill a plenipotentiary than hurt one of +these gentlemen by an unguarded expression. The Beggar Woman, though no +doubt somewhere amongst the crowd, was not conspicuous on this occasion. + +Silence was ordered, and prayer was said, and hymns of praise were sung. +The greatness and the goodness of the Buccaneer were set to sacred +music, and the singers also glorified themselves while they glorified +their master. The High Priest then asked the Ruler of all things to take +this most respectable and pious Buccaneer under His especial protection, +and through His priesthood to bless him; to confound his enemies; to +make him happy, prosperous and glorious, and a few other things scarcely +worth the mentioning, but which would materially increase his joy in +this world. In the end, he asked that the Buccaneer might, through his +Church, obtain a good inheritance in the Kingdom of Heaven. After this +light spiritual refection the Buccaneer experienced that gentle calm +which piety and respectability alone can give, and that inner +consciousness, which at all times so gratified him, namely, that he was +so much better than any of his neighbours, and all those who did not +walk along his road to heaven. He was now quite ready for business. + +A very high state official, who was robed in cloth of gold of superior +quality and make, and whose back and front were covered with heraldic +devices, now blew a long and loud blast upon a brazen trumpet, he then +cried out in a loud voice: "Listen all ye whom it may concern. Know ye +then that the most illustrious, potent, and powerful Sea King (thus he +was styled in all official documents), the mighty ruler of an empire, +upon which the sun never sets, the keeper of the keys of Heaven, the +defender of the only true Faith, having heard that some few of his liege +subjects, consider themselves in some trifling matters aggrieved, has +been most graciously pleased to hold this grand court at this time +assembled, so that grievances may be heard and wrongs redressed. May God +bless our great Sea King!" The last few words were merely a matter of +form, because it was well known that the Buccaneer and all his people +were the Lord's anointed. The trumpets again sounded and the procession, +or march past, of the disaffected was ordered to begin; but now another +grave difficulty arose; who was to lead? The mistress of the ceremonies, +following a time-honoured custom, was for bringing on the ladies first, +but a noisy lot of Ojabberaways declared that their burden of oppression +was so great as to do away with all traditions, and that unless they +were allowed to have their own way, no business should be done. + +Nothing, perhaps, showed the unfortunate state into which things had +been allowed to pass, than the extreme licence which the Ojabberaways +were allowed to have. They had been given an inch and they had taken the +proverbial ell. A small tribe of people, headed by a small band of paid +patriots, who reaped a rich harvest out of the disaffection of their +countrymen, was allowed to obstruct all business and dictate to the +great Sea King or Buccaneer, what he was to do, and how and at what time +he was to do it. All this was the handiwork of Madam Liberty, who used +Dogvane and a few of his watch, to carry out her designs. + +Even Dogvane had said that he must be clothed with sufficient authority +to enable him to rule this obstreperous people, but Dogvane had veered +round a little; and under his protection the Ojabberaways had become a +perfect nuisance, doing very much as they liked. + +They gained their point, and with a wild yell, peculiar to their +country, and as blood curdling as the cry of the savage when his hand +grasps the scalp of an enemy, they came on. Some had on masks; some +carried blunderbusses, while others, under their coats, concealed the +dagger of the assassin, and the cartridge of the dynamitard. On they +came, dragging, with ropes round their necks, a lot of unfortunates +whose general bearing and appearance showed that they had seen better +days. These poor gentlemen--for gentlemen they were--had the misfortune +to own land in the green and fertile isle of the Ojabberaways, some +indeed had Ojabberaway blood in their veins; but they belonged to the +hated class called landlords, and their chief crime was, that owning +land, they expected their tenants to pay rents. + +No doubt, in the past, injuries had been done and very much injustice. +They may have been hard and even grinding, and even now there might be +some amongst them who were not a credit to their class; but that +scarcely justified a refusal to fulfil all legal contracts. Their +fathers no doubt did many wrongs, lived beyond their means, and ground, +in many cases, their tenants down, for there never was an Ojabberaway +who could live within his means. + +"What is our crime?" cried the captives; "what sins have we committed?" + +"What sins have ye committed?" cried the Ojabberaways, in turn. "It's +mighty short memories ye have, and eyesight too, for the matter of that. +What are your crimes? Have ye not ground the finest peasantry in the +world down under your feet? And if it was not you, then it was your +fathers, or your grandfathers, or your great grandfathers." They then +turned to the Buccaneer: "We want to be rid of these land-grabbers, +these blood-suckers." + +"What is your grievance against them?" the Buccaneer asked. + +"Our grievance! Grievance is it?" they replied. "By the Holy Powers, our +country is thick with them. Are we not a down-trodden race? Has not the +foot of the conqueror been upon our necks for ages past? It's a +forgetful memory that perhaps ye have?" + +"In the past," the Buccaneer said, "injury may have been done to you, +but ample amends have now been made; and I rule you with the same laws +as I do my other people. What more, in reason, can you ask?" + +"We want no laws of your making. We ask that the last link of the chain +that binds us to you may be broken. We demand our independence." + +Now one of the victims spoke: "We have our rights too," he said, +addressing the Buccaneer, "and we claim your protection. For many years +we have been your garrison and we are a law-abiding people. We have been +faithful and loyal to you; will you then see us dragged before you with +ropes round our necks, and with hands tied behind our backs? Is this to +be the reward of our loyalty? We ask for what is the birthright of the +meanest of your citizens, protection for our lives and for our own +property." + +Thus it went on, and ground that had been trodden over often and often +before, was trodden over again. The difficulty was now to get rid of +this section of the disaffected, for the members showed a disposition to +become squatters and take entire possession of the situation. But some +divinely-inspired individual raised the cry that there was a free fight +going on in an adjacent neighbourhood and so the difficulty was overcome +and the Ojabberaways disappeared as if by magic. + +The ladies now were ushered in, but again there was a slight delay +arising out of a dispute about a matter of precedence. A woman will +suffer almost any indignity rather than that of being put in a position +lower than that to which she thinks herself entitled, and it is probable +that in many cases a woman would rather go to the devil in her proper +place than to Heaven out of it. The matter was settled and Madam Liberty +ushered in Miss Progress. She was by no means attractive, and in her +dress she aped somewhat the man. She prided herself upon her +intelligence and looked with disdain upon things usually considered to +belong peculiarly to the female sex. This advanced lady showed none of +the modesty or timidity usually found in women. In a voice loud and +clear she said: "I claim for women equal rights with men. By brute force +we have been kept under and we now demand our freedom. Man has made us +his hewers of wood and his drawers of water; the cookers of his food and +the sewer on of his buttons and the nurser of his squalling brats. Is +woman never to rise superior to such a base position? Is she for ever to +be a slave, at man's beck and call? Away with such a thought! We demand +equal rights and equal voice in all matters, for we are man's equals, +and no longer will we live under laws made by man for the benefit of +man. We will board yonder ships. Our voice shall be heard in your +councils, and our voice shall ring out from your pulpits." + +This language was comprehensive and bold. Some amongst the grand company +gave signs of approval. Then a dead silence followed, which was broken +by the old cox'sn, who having first of all hitched up his trousers, +exclaimed: "Mates, I thank my stars that my lower rigging keeps up +without buttons." Just as Miss Progress was again going to begin, old +Jack cried out: "Vast heaving, my hearty!" This familiar language on the +part of a common sailor very much annoyed the lady, who, fixing her +spectacles full upon the cox'sn, asked him who he was. "I am not +surprised, miss, at your asking the question. Now, it's no use beating +about the bush, and as, miss, you wish to be on an equal footing with +man and to rub shoulder to shoulder with him in your daily life, you +must not be too tender-skinned, and you will not mind the plain language +of an honest sailor. You ask me who I am? I am Jack Commonsense, very +much at your service, miss, and with your permission I will return the +compliment and ask you a question. How about your lower rigging?" + +"My lower rigging," cried Miss Progress, "what does the vulgar fellow +mean?" + +"Well, miss," Jack replied, "petticoats are all very well in their way, +and many a brave and honest lad has run ashore on 'em before now and +become a total wreck; but petticoats do hamper a person a bit, and they +ain't the sort of things to go aloft in, in a gale of wind." + +"Who wants to go aloft, pray?" Miss Progress asked. + +"Well, miss," Jack answered; "you must take the rough with the smooth, +and if you are going to be man's equal, you must do your fair share of +man's work, and must not cry out if you lose your place in the social +order and in man's estimation. Some of you are even now crying out that +man does not treat you with the consideration that he used to. The fault +lies at your own door. Who is going to take all the blows and hard +knocks; and who is going to do all the fighting?" + +"Man, of course," replied Miss Progress, "it is his province, his +sphere." + +"But has not woman her sphere? But let that fly stick to the wall; duty +first and pleasure after. As to the fighting, miss; many people think +that that spirit is not altogether absent from the female breast. Many +go so far as to think that the apple which Eve gave to Adam was +flavoured strongly with discord. Never a row yet, so some say, that a +woman was not at the bottom of it. Put your helm down, miss, and go +about; you and your likes are on the wrong tack. No good ever came yet +from a crowing hen; and a maid that whistles ain't likely to be a credit +to her family." + +The Buccaneer complimented the cox'sn very much and hoped that his +language would find favour amongst the ladies. Many of the grand company +had dropped off to slumber; others were eagerly engaged in discussions +amongst themselves as to whether it would be a good party stroke to take +up the ladies. Many were for it and old Dogvane, it was thought, was +amongst the number. Miss Progress was by no means satisfied and declared +that woman's sphere was very much too narrow. The cox'sn, being +encouraged by his master's approval, attacked Miss Progress again in +good earnest. "Look'e here, miss," he cried, "your sphere is large +enough if you will only do your duty in it; but as is well-known a bad +workman always finds fault with his tools. If you try to be man's rival +in the world you will come off second best." Many thought that old Jack +would before long be in troubled waters; but he marched boldly on. +"Woman," he cried out, "has a noble sphere. Let her study to be a good +companion for man. Let her aim in life be to make his home comfortable, +and his children happy, useful, and good. That, my hearty, is a woman's +sphere." + +Miss Progress explained to the deaf ears of the grand company that she +was single, and the Buccaneer, by way of enlivening the proceedings, +asked his cox'sn if he would not take Miss Progress in marriage; but old +Jack declined with many thanks, and he told the lady in brutally plain +language that spinsters were likely to increase if many women followed +in her wake. Then speaking at the whole sex, through the lady before +him, he exclaimed: "Too many of you are gadders about, and are to be +found everywhere but in your own homes. A good, thrifty, cheerful, and +pleasant housewife is a thing of the past. Too many women in the lower +walks of life by neglecting their first duty, drive their husbands to +the fireside of the pot-house, and their children to their work-house." + +Other of the Buccaneer's women now came forward. One wanted to banish +vice from the streets by the strong arm of the law. She drew attention +to what she called the gross immorality of the age, and had she had her +way she would have shut up half the theatres, or turned them into +churches; and have burned most of the light literature of the day. +Perhaps this would have been no disadvantage. She also would have +dressed all the nude figures in the Buccaneer's several academies, +leaving nothing but her own bare shoulders of an evening to offend the +eyes of modesty. The female mind does at times go to strange extremes. +Another peculiarity of the Buccaneer's people was that most of the racy +light literature in his tight little island was written by the women, +and how they became so well acquainted with the shady side of human +nature was a mystery. But genius can explain all things. There is only +one thing to be said against driving vice from the streets by the strong +arm of the law. She is so very likely to find shelter in private +houses, when the purity of the domestic hearth would probably suffer. + +After this lady came another who wanted the Buccaneer to banish from his +realms all violent death. She said: "To furnish your idle sons with +sport, birds are slaughtered, and hares and foxes are cruelly chased to +death." + +"Young hounds must be blooded," the Buccaneer said. + +"Under the cloak of science," the lady continued, "animals are cruelly +tortured, under the inhuman plea that man is to benefit. Then men love +to see cocks spur each other to death, while dogs are allowed to fight +amongst themselves and worry cats in the public streets, without any +interference on the part of the brutal police." The lady finished up by +asking the Buccaneer to banish all violent death from the island, and +thus set a good example to the rest of the world. "Let the butcher die," +she cried, "rather than his innocent unoffending victims." + +All eyes were turned upon Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher of the +Starboard Watch, and many pitied him, and the cook who was a merry man, +said to his friend in a jesting manner: "Billy! old fellow, it was not +for nothing that you had that nervous attack in my galley, but cheer up, +you are not dead yet." + +The Buccaneer now began to talk the matter over with his trusty friend, +who said, "Well, yer honour, only speaking for myself, I don't like meat +that dies a natural death, though no doubt your butchers will be glad +enough to sell it. Indeed, some of them will do it now when they can." + +Here a pale-faced, solemn, and even miserable-looking man exclaimed: +"Why partake of animal food which brutalizes, when a bountiful +Providence has placed at your hand a vegetable kingdom? Eat, I would +say, of the crumbs that fall from the celestial pantry." + +Both the Buccaneer and his cox'sn declared that they did not see how +they were going to make a good square meal out of such a diet, upon +which the last speaker said: "If you must nourish your unrighteous +stomachs, you will find that lentils and even peacods are both pleasant +and sustaining." + +"What say you to this, Jack?" asked the Buccaneer. + +"Give him rope, yer honour, and before long he will come to the +thistles, and then we had better write ourselves down asses at once. If +we go on, on this tack, sir, there will be no such thing as getting a +chop, or a steak, or even a homely rasher for either love or money, and +the best thing for me to do is to turn to and dig my own grave. But +master, there is another thing that troubles me, though I scarcely like +to give vent to my thoughts before so goodly a company." Jack upon being +earnestly solicited to unburden himself by his master, said: "Well, sir, +it's this way. If we are to banish all violent death from this fair isle +of ours, what about the flea?" + +The allusion to this vulgar insect caused no little confusion in so +goodly an assembly, and a wave of irritation seemed to pass through the +whole crowd, affecting even the Lords Spiritual, and Miss Progress was +so put about by being kept in the back-ground, whilst so much good time +was being wasted upon so trivial a matter, that she exclaimed with +considerable warmth, "Perish the flea!" Upon this old Jack cried out to +the amusement of all, "There I am with you, miss; but first of all +you've got to catch him." + +The bold Buccaneer was extremely tickled, and his sides shook with +merriment, and of course every one joined in. So great was the mirth +that the whole noble structure was shaken to its very foundation, so +much so, that the old lion got up from his recumbent position, and +looked round in a terrified manner, and the cox'sn cried out as he +turned towards the company, "Vast heaving, my hearties! Clap a stopper +upon your laughing gear, and make all merriment fast." + +The shrill blast of a herald's trumpet now claimed the attention of all, +and the aggrieved women were dismissed with a promise that their case +should receive the consideration it deserved, and the probability of a +Royal Commission was hinted at, and with this they were obliged to be +satisfied. Again the shrill notes of a brazen trumpet pierced the air, +and silence unfolded her wings and hovered over the company. Now a +herald, gorgeously apparelled in cloth of gold, emblazoned back and +front in the customary fashion, entered upon the scene, and expectation +was all on tip-toe. + +"A messenger, a messenger, no doubt," cried Dogvane, "from his august +and most sable Majesty King Hokee with dispatches from the most noble +Bandit of the East." + +With much pomp and ceremony the herald advanced, carrying over his left +shoulder a spear, and in his right hand what looked like a battered +beaver hat, with the crown knocked out. Halting in front of the +Buccaneer, he exclaimed, after having made the usual obeisance, "Most +noble and illustrious Sea King, ruler of the universe, the holder of the +only key to Heaven, the redresser of wrongs, the chastiser of the evil +doer, and the terror of the oppressor, know that a little while since, +while yet the day was but a few hours old, two friendly factions of the +Ojabberaways met, and entered upon an argument apparently from opposite +premises, and this is the conclusion that they arrived at." With this he +stuck his spear into the battered beaver, for such it was, and raised it +up on high, for an admiring crowd to gaze upon. When curiosity was +satisfied a very high state official took charge of the interesting +relic, and it was conveyed with much ceremony to one of the Buccaneer's +principal museums. + +It must be owned that to sit and listen to the complaints of so many +people was trying to the patience of all; but the Buccaneer and his +family were well trained to this sort of thing, and even liked it. +Sunday after Sunday the uncrowned queen, Respectability, sent them all +to church, sometimes even twice. There they sat quietly under their +favourite pulpit, and listened without a murmur to their pastor, who +frequently either chided them as children, treated them as fools, or +eternally damned them all as incorrigible sinners. + +The upper ranks of the Buccaneer's people now came on and complained +that their heels were being kicked by those who came after them, and +that the respect that once was given to rank and social position was now +grudgingly bestowed, if indeed it was bestowed at all. The deputation +was presented with the proverb which the Buccaneer and his cox'sn had +picked up in their roving days on the Spanish Main, and they were +recommended to have it framed and hung up in some convenient place, +where their children might be able to look upon it. + +The Squire followed, and he again laid bare his numerous complaints; +said he could never remember the time when he was in such low water, for +he could get little or nothing out of his tenants, whilst his burdens +were more than he could bear. Scarcely had he finished speaking, when +his tenants appeared in a body, and declared, that owing to the foreign +cheap-Jacks underselling them, they could not get enough out of the land +to keep body and soul together, let alone money enough to pay their +landlord rents. Some of these tenants complained too, that the clergy +were too exacting, and made no abatement in their tithe charge; but +demanded the pound of flesh that was in their bond. + +This brought the clergy forward, and they declared that their claim was +the first charge upon the land, which was taken subject to the burden. +The pulpit produces the speaker, if it does nothing else. "Is it not in +our bond," they said, "that we shall have the tenth part of the yearly +increase arising from the profits of the land, the stock upon the land, +and the personal industry of those living upon the land, or a just +equivalent for these?" + +There was now a most learned discussion upon the origin and nature of +the tithe charge, all of which did little less than breed confusion. The +argument was taken up amongst the company. Some said that it began first +as a purely voluntary offering, but that long since a crafty priesthood +had fossilized it into a hard and fast legal right, which weighed +heavily upon the land in such hard times. The clergy said that it was on +account of the hardness of men's hearts that the offering had to be +legalized into a right. "If," they said, "the charge were left to the +free will of man, we should soon starve, for man would give nothing in +so selfish, degenerate, and worldly an age. The custom is sanctioned by +age and by Divine authority, for did not Abraham, when he spoiled the +five kings, give a tenth part of the spoils to Melchisedek?" No one +seemed bold enough to deny this, and the clergy finished up by saying +that as they were called upon to fulfil their obligations, so they must +call upon other people to fulfil theirs. + +This seemed but reasonable; but just as the Buccaneer was going to +deliver judgment, the poor clergy took the opportunity to come forward +and present their grievance, which was to the effect that they, and +their families, were in many cases in want. Upon being appealed to, the +High Priest and Lords Spiritual declared that it was so, and that it +reflected the greatest discredit upon the Buccaneer and all his people, +for it betokened a selfish hardness of heart that was most +unchristian-like. + +The poorer clergy were treated to a most excellent discourse upon the +beauties of poverty, which beauties, it would appear, that even the +clergy love best to contemplate at a distance, which in this, as in most +things else, lends enchantment to the view. It was pointed out to this +section of the disaffected, by those in spiritual authority, that Christ +Himself was a great advocate for poverty and condemned in no measured +terms the greed after riches; that all His early disciples were poor and +lowly, and that His religion was propagated by a band of holy, but +shoeless beggars. The poor clergy were bid to find comfort in this, and +walk in the path to which they had been called with a sanctified +humility. + +The old cox'sn now got himself into disgrace, for he turned round and +asked the preacher how he could reconcile the precept with the general +practice. How, if poverty was such a fine thing, the clergy did not +practise it themselves. The high ecclesiastics to whom Jack addressed +himself did not condescend to answer so impertinent a remark, but all +chance of Church preferment was for ever gone from the old cox'sn, and +it is even possible that if he then had died he would not have been +allowed Christian burial. + +"This difficulty," cried the Buccaneer, "can be easily overcome." Then +turning to his Lords Spiritual and other high church dignitaries, he +said, "While some on board of your ship, my lords, have too much, others +have too little of this world's wealth. A little while since some +amongst you preached a homily upon the beauties of poverty. All of you +follow the Master who said that it is easier for a camel to go through +the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, +and when that rich man is a priest, how doubly hard must be the task. +Therefore, I say to you, as I have said before, and in the language of +Him whom you profess to follow, 'sell all that you have and give it to +the poor,' or at least, share your riches amongst your poorer brethren." + +Now, when those in authority on board the old Church Hulk heard this +they were extremely sorrowful and sorely grieved, for many of them had +large incomes and other worldly possessions, while some had fashionable +and ambitious wives, and many had large families, and, as everyone +knows, it is hard enough to serve two masters, and next to impossible +when the masters are increased to many. + +The old cox'sn, who was of a pious turn, wondered what would happen if +Christ were to appear again upon earth and enter some one of the +Buccaneer's many temples where the perfumed flowers of his fashionable +society worshipped God, or, perhaps many gods, in all their pride and +splendour. Jack, however, kept his counsel. He was an humble individual +and it was not for him to meddle in such weighty matters. + +Close upon the heels of the Church came the Buccaneer's lawyers, and +true chips were these of the ancient block. The members of the Devil's +own, as they were called, complained that an interfering fellow on board +of the old Ship of State had called them brigands and other offensive +names. This they did not so much mind, but what they did object to was, +that busy bodies, instead of paying attention to their own business, +wanted to meddle with theirs, and by so doing, to curtail their +perquisites and cut down their fees. Of all the Buccaneer's trades and +professions, in no one was the principle of the parable before alluded +to more conspicuous than in his legal profession, the members of which +not only fleeced their sheep, but flayed them, whenever they had the +smallest opportunity. The estimation they were held in, even amongst the +Buccaneer's people, was shown by the fact that in all his works of +fiction, either on the stage or in novels, almost all the rogues were +provided by the legal profession. + +But the spirit of robbery to which allusion has been so frequently made, +was to be found even where it ought not to have existed. Many of the +Buccaneer's schools were presided over by members of his State Church +and many of his teachers were drawn from the same source. Now some of +these, in an underhand way, robbed the parents of the boys intrusted to +their charge, for they were paid extremely well, if not exorbitantly, to +educate their pupils, but in too many cases they taught them little or +nothing, and sent them home, into the bargain, to live a good portion of +the time at their parents' expense. Then at the end of what was by +courtesy called their academical career, the young birds were sent out +into the world veritable fledgelings as regards their knowledge, with +not feathers sufficient to cover the nakedness of their ignorance or to +fly in search of food. This is at the top of that scale at the bottom of +which lies the vulgar thief who breaks through and steals. + +After the lawyers came the doctors, who complained that people +apparently had little or no inclination to get ill. They declared there +seemed to be a selfish desire on the part of every one to keep the +time-honoured and much-trusted family doctor out in the cold, and if it +were not for the love which still kept a strong hold upon the people, to +over-eat and over-drink themselves, their profession would be but a poor +one, though in young children they still found some little support. +Whether the doctors robbed the people or not, could not very easily be +told as they rendered no details with their accounts. + +The next lot to appear, showed by their double chests and double chins +that they were no strangers to good living, and no doubt beneath their +capacious waistcoats lay the tail end of many a bottle of their master's +wine. These men complained that their masters had become so niggardly +and looked after things so closely themselves, that perquisites (by some +called plunder) were quite things of the glorious past, so that the +modest independence with the public house, the lodging house, or the +green-grocer's shop, was put so far away into the future as to come too +late, if it ever came at all. + +These much ill-used individuals had the same sad story to tell about +foreign competition. They declared people came over in crowds from their +neighbours and took the bread out of their mouths. Now came the women +servants, resplendent in their cheap finery, and with airs and graces +aped from their betters. Some of these quarrelled with some thing, some +with another, and one and all seemed considerably above their position, +being much too proud to work. + +Before dealing with these the Buccaneer ordered on the masters and +mistresses so that by hearing their side of the story he might be the +better able to judge. It was a sign of the times that the servants came +on first, and many believed that this merely was the finger post which +pointed to a state of things, when all would be changed and the classes +would be the humble and obedient slaves of the masses, when King Mob +would wield the sceptre over the Buccaneer's people. It, therefore, +behoved those interested to see that their future masters were properly +educated. + +The employers now declared that it was almost impossible to get good +servants. Not one would bear correction. They demanded high pay for +doing very little work, and grumbled at all times both at the quality +and the quantity of their food. They declared that the lower orders were +now so educated that all the girls preferred either to go into shops, or +into the school-room, and then the suffering upper classes were called +upon to support institutions to keep these spoilt children off the +streets. There was a general complaint too, that the stomachs of the +serving classes had become so dainty, that they turned up their noses at +what their betters were very well contented with, and there was a +general concurrence of opinion that, rather than put up with the +insolence, ignorance, and idleness of the Buccaneer's own people, +masters and mistresses would either do without servants altogether, or +employ foreigners, who were more industrious, very much more sober, and +quite as honest as the Buccaneer's people, while they did not go to +their local clubs or pot houses, and talk over their master's affairs, +and disclose to the vigilant burglar the whereabouts of their master's +silver. Nor were they in league with the local tradesmen to rob their +masters. + +"Away with you all," cried the Buccaneer, addressing the servants. He +was always ready to condemn peculation on such a scale as this. "Away +with you," he cried, "for you are all robbers in disguise. Speak to +them, Jack, and trounce them well with thy tongue." + +"Aye, aye, yer honour. 'Bout ship, my lads and lasses, before shame and +misfortune throw their grappling irons on board of you. You're heading +for the jail and the work-house, and before you lie poverty and misery. +'Bout ship, I say, before you find that hunger is the best sauce for a +proud stomach." + +This batch went away more dissatisfied than ever, and they declared that +the old coxswain's language was brutal in the extreme, and they swore +they would have nothing to do with such a fellow as that. They +determined to get some one of the ship's crew, who wanted some +opportunity to bring himself before the public, to take their case up, +and by putting a heavy tax upon foreign labour, give them greater +opportunities to be independent, more idle, and insolent. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII. + + +The Buccaneer thought that for a contented and prosperous people he had +his fair share of disaffection; but Liberty now ushered in a pale-faced +and solemn looking batch, who declared that drink was sending the +Buccaneer's people to the dogs and the devil. They carried in front of +them a banner on which was depicted a drunkard beating his wife, and +ill-using his starved children. On the reverse, there was the besotted +mother and the sober but miserable husband. This cheerless-looking lot, +upon whose features laughter-loving mirth never seemed to dwell, were +the total abstainers, who declared that nothing would save the Buccaneer +and his people, except they were all made sober by law. + +"Why, Jack!" cried the Buccaneer, turning to his friend, "one lot wants +to feed me on peacods, while another wants to drench me with water." + +But now a portly lot of red-faced, pimply-nosed publicans, whose +stomachs were as round as one of their own beer barrels, pushed their +way to the front, and swore that water was being the ruin of them. They +told the Buccaneer in plain and unmistakable language, that if his +people continued to walk in the paths of sobriety at the same rate at +which they were at present going, the source from which he derived no +little of his revenue would be completely dried up, and he would lose +millions of his yearly income, when his upper classes would have to bear +the burden of increased taxation. + +The Buccaneer always taxed his upper classes as much as ever he could. +Perhaps this was right. Besides, what was called the people, that +mighty, but barely defined force, did not like taxation, and therefore +they were exempted; but they had no prejudice otherwise against the +principle. + +The Buccaneer was touched, and after a moment's consideration he said, +"Why can't my subjects drink in moderation, and not make beasts of +themselves?" + +"Why not, indeed, sir?" answered the publicans. "A man in moderation can +take a good quantity of liquor and not hurt himself, and yet benefit the +trade and his country. We set our face against your habitual drunkard. +He is our enemy, because he gives in too soon. It is the steady drinker; +the man who is always at it, and yet who never gets himself into +difficulties, that is our friend." + +To lose millions a year. This was indeed a serious affair, and the +Buccaneer feared that those muddling water drinkers would do him +considerable harm. But there was a bright spot looming in the distance, +for had not his trusty Captain Dogvane told him that there was a heathen +nation with an immense population to be civilised? Of course it was +against his religious principles that he should place drunkenness within +easy reach of this people; but then, if at the same time he gave them +his Book, and rescued them from the devil, that would be a fair +exchange, and in all things human, there must be shortcomings; things +that one would willingly prevent if one could, but we cannot expect +perfection in this world, and we must therefore have recourse to that +most useful and necessary custom of winking at things we cannot help. It +is much to be regretted, that the heathen with civilisation will take to +strong liquors, as naturally apparently as a duck takes to water. But he +does, so there is an end of it. The Buccaneer now eased his conscience +by being extremely severe upon his publicans whom he read a sharp +lecture. He treated them in a most haughty manner, said they were a +demoralizing agency; a blot, a blemish, and a disgrace; but still he +took their money. He told them they had better take care of themselves. + +The publicans said that was the very thing of all others they would try +to do; but they added that the officers of the Buccaneer's Revenue were +so precious sharp, and were so much against them, and were down upon +them with such heavy penalties if they attempted to help their friends +the teetotallers, by watering their ales, and other strong drinks, that +virtue had no chance to be over-virtuous. They declared that the +licentious Revenue officers hovered over them like a lot of hungry +vultures; and with their meddlesome ways were doing an infinity of +mischief. + +The publicans were a mighty power in the Buccaneer's kingdom, and it is +to his credit that he rebuked them even as he did. He read them a +lecture, and having in his mind's eye the banner of the teetotallers he +pointed out to the delinquents the frightful consequences of drink. The +publicans were quite equal to the occasion, they said that there were +two sides to every question, and that the devil himself was not half as +black as he was painted. To this the Lords Spiritual took exception, and +they rose in a body and entered their protest against such a blasphemous +assertion. Of course this weighty matter could not be argued out at such +a time, or in such a place; but it was taken up on board the old Church +Hulk, and received there all the attention it deserved, and no doubt it +was the means of adding still more to the Buccaneer's numerous sects. + +Some were inclined to subject the devil to the fashionable process known +as white-washing. As every eminent blackguard in ancient, and up to a +certain time even in modern history, has undergone this treatment, there +is no reason why his satanic majesty should be left out in the cold. It +seems hard that the blackguard Judas should not have been favoured, but +perhaps some champion will yet arise to take up his cause. Does not the +Christian world owe him something? Would it have been saved from the +torments of hell, if Judas had not played the betrayer's part? The +publicans said there was a good deal of prejudice about drink. That +party feeling here, as elsewhere, ran extremely high, engendering very +much animosity, and thus a good deal of obloquy and unjust reproach was +heaped upon the head of the poor drunkard. They begged that the subject +might be approached in no mean or narrow spirit. They maintained that +the drunkard, if only a steady going drunkard, and a man of regular +habits, was a public benefactor. One who did his best through the means +of indirect taxation to swell the revenues of the State, and as a vast +number of the Buccaneer's people paid no direct taxes, the only way they +helped to keep up the dignity, the honour, the welfare, and the safety +of the empire was by getting as drunk as they could, as often as they +could. Indeed, looking at it from their point of view, the greater the +drunkard, the greater the benefactor he was to the community; he being a +man who sacrificed himself, and frequently his family, for the sake of +his country, as every good citizen should. If he broke down occasionally +under the burden of indirect taxation, he was an object more of pity +than of contempt. And if he beat his wife, and starved his children, +what then? The individual must at all times be sacrificed for the sake +of the general public. So eloquent were the publicans, and there was so +much force in what they said, that the Buccaneer began to waver. The +publicans seeing the good impression they had made, continued on in the +same direction, and pointed out that if the teetotallers set up the pump +and pulled down the pot-house, that not only would the great Buccaneer +lose his revenue, but that his people would assuredly become gourmands, +for that there never was a total abstainer who was not a large if not a +coarse feeder, and of the two, a drunkard, they declared, bad as he was, +was infinitely to be preferred to a glutton. + +The case was undoubtedly a serious one. Not one amongst the grand +company--not even Dogvane himself--would dare to give an opinion +directly against the publicans, such was their power in the island. The +Buccaneer was obliged to admit that the drunkard was a despicable +rascal, and the cause of very great misery; but then the public-houses +brought in such a very large revenue. + +There appeared to be only one way out of the difficulty and that was to +have recourse to a Royal Commission. This institution which has before +been mentioned, requires to be explained, for it was extremely useful to +the Buccaneer and got him out of many difficulties. It was a wonderful +institution and had many and various virtues. It was supposed to contain +a cure for every evil under the sun and to possess wonderful powers of +finding out ills and their several remedies; and it was supposed to have +a microscopic eye, and a bright intelligence, that shed a light into the +darkest holes and corners. At least, it was supposed to do all this. It +was a mysterious institution, having, indeed, some of the attributes of +the Inquisition. There was one thing about it that was evident to all. +It was extremely slow in its working, and perhaps in this lay no little +of its virtue, for anything that it took under its consideration faded +away from public view long before any conclusion was arrived at, and +thus it may be said that it squeezed all the life out of whatever it sat +upon, and then buried its victim in some official pigeon-hole, or other +tomb belonging to oblivion. + +What the publicans had said brought forward the butchers; but Billy +Cheeks had nothing to do with these. They declared they were doing +scarcely any business. They said that however true it might be, as a +general rule, about water-drinkers being large eaters, they saw no signs +of total abstinence in this respect amongst the people. They added that +what with foreign competition and the growing carefulness of +housekeepers, who kept far too sharp an eye upon their allies the cooks, +their profits were falling off every day. Then they pointed out that +their trade was being threatened by the vegetarians, who could stuff +themselves to repletion for about sixpence, or even less. Now a farmer, +who having heard what the butchers had said, declared butchers ought to +be making large fortunes, for that they charged the people quite double, +and sometimes more, than what they gave for the meat. This was quite +true, but then the butchers only acted upon that principle of robbery +which was to be detected in the breast of most of the trading +Buccaneers, and was all due, no doubt, to an old Sea King, or pirate, +having taken to business in his latter years, and the principle on which +he traded, namely, of turning his five talents into ten. + +The dispute between the burly farmer and the burly butcher seemed +likely to end in blows; but the vegetarians stepped in and acted as a +buffer. They declared that animal food was not at all necessary, and +that if men would only feed upon vegetables there would be no wars and +they would live longer and more intellectual lives. + +"If that comes to pass," said old Jack, "farewell to the lowing herds +and the bleating flocks, for man isn't going to keep these things to +look at, and a pretty flabby weak-kneed lot we shall be. Give me my chop +and toothsome steak, say I." + +Jack was told that he was very much behind the time and that science was +dead against him. This discussion was put an end to by the appearance of +the milkmen who complained that they had suffered considerably since +they had been stopped manufacturing their own cream, adulterating their +milk with water, and mixing fat with their butter. In fact, all the +tradesmen had the same story to tell, and cried out against the +stringent laws which ground them down to a rigid line of honesty. +Perquisites and peculation, they declared, were almost things of the +past, and they added that all this was strictly against the interests of +trade, and was not according to precedent. They wanted to know where the +Buccaneer would have been if, in his fine old Buccaneering days, he had +been so hampered. In conclusion they declared that a too rigid honesty +was not compatible with prosperity, and that though "honesty is the best +policy" is a capital text to put over your door, it is a bad principle +to practise behind the counter. They added that "_caveat emptor_" ought +to be the motive power between man and man in all his mercantile +transactions, and that idiots should be left to take care of themselves. + +This unprincipled language horrified the Buccaneer, who having long +since become wealthy, could now afford to be honest, virtuous, and +respectable. So he condemned, in no measured terms, these nefarious +adulterators, and would-be peculators. It is true that these tradesmen +were but chips of the ancient block; but that block had now been laid +aside, and was only produced on very great and state occasions, when the +magnitude of it quite overshadowed all the small chips that had been cut +from it, and the block was so highly polished that it looked altogether +beautiful and quite virtuous. + +But who are these men, who look like whitened sepulchres, that are +treading so closely upon the heels of the milkmen? + +These are the Buccaneer's bakers, who declared that nearly all the +Buccaneer's bread was made by foreign hands, who were literally taking +the very bread out of the mouths of the Buccaneer's own sons. + +The Buccaneer knew there was very great truth in this. But how was he to +remedy the evil? His was a free land and people ever had been allowed to +come and to go at their own pleasure; and to buy and sell, and to make +their money as best they could. Then the bakers had the same complaint +about the severity of the law, which kept so strict an eye upon them all +to the detriment of trade, that it was not safe to use any of the +substances so useful in adulterating bread, such as bean meal, rice +flour, potatoes and peas, indian corn, salt, and alum. Of course they +admitted that too much alum was not good for the human stomach, but that +was no business of theirs, and the human stomach could adapt itself to +all things, so wonderfully and marvellously was it made. + +The brewers next had their say, and declared that their ales and stouts +stood a chance of being washed out of the market by the light beverages +from the other side of the water, and that these and wishy-washy wines +were ruining their trade, and undermining the constitution of the +people. These malcontents declared that this was but the thin end of the +wedge which was eventually to cleave the Buccaneer's prosperity asunder. +It was by good strong brewed ales and beef that he had made himself what +he was, and unless John Barleycorn was reinstated they fully believed +that the Buccaneer would dwindle down to the mere shadow of his former +self. + +This oration met with general approval; for there were many who thought +that beer and beef produced good muscle, sound bodies, and healthy and +courageous minds; but a sickly smile played upon the features of the +teetotallers and vegetarians, who pitied all those whose minds were so +much clouded by ignorance. + +Now a general cry rose up from amongst the traders against the buyers, +who, it was said, were ruining trade by their co-operation, which, it +was declared, had taken all the gilt off their gingerbread. The strange +part of the thing was, that while the shop-keepers claimed the privilege +of combining together to fleece their customers they denied the latter +the right of combining together for their own protection. "How," they +asked, "were poor people to maintain their families, make a modest +competence, and support their public burdens, if the consumers +patronized co-operative stores?" They all declared that in days, +unhappily long since past, people lived quite as long as they did now, +if not longer. This they considered a conclusive proof that +adulteration, if conducted upon the principles of moderation, was not +detrimental to the coatings of the human stomach, which, they said, was +being ruined by the extreme care that was being taken of it, until +indeed there was a good chance of that pampered and petted member ruling +the whole body in a most tyrannical manner. The stomach had been made to +do certain work; then why relieve it of its responsibility? + +The tailors now advanced, and they also had their grievance; for they +declared that the atmosphere was so impregnated with honesty that their +cabbages were nothing like as fine as what they used to be; and they +made the same cry out against foreign competition. The shoemakers had +the same tale to tell. Behind these came the handmaids to fashion and +folly, who declared that their field of operation was becoming more and +more contracted, not on account of any falling off in the vanity of the +female sex, but on account of the cruel laws that had been passed to +guard the husbands against the extravagance of their wives. All this +they declared was extremely unjust and entirely against the interest of +trade. + +The honest Hodge family now came lumbering along, and each member +carried in his hands a halter of rope. The Buccaneer beheld them with +amazement, for he feared they were going to take a leaf out of the +Ojabberaways' book and make a prisoner of the poor old Squire. He was +relieved to find they had no such intention. The Hodge family were one +and all agriculturalists, but they declared that times were sadly out of +joint with them. They said they wished to make a prisoner of no one; but +they each of them had been promised a cow and a bit of land, by a +gentleman they saw amongst the grand company, and they had brought the +bit of rope to lead their beast back. "Hodge," cried the Buccaneer, +"your bed may not be one of roses; but your condition has wonderfully +improved. Your wages in the last fifty years have been doubled, and so +have your comforts. You ever have had the reputation of being an honest +fellow, willing to earn by the sweat of your brow a living; keep in the +same track. Remember promises are made of pie crust, and take care, my +honest fellow, that designing people neither make a tool nor a fool of +you." Hodge scratched his head to try by gentle irritation to conjure +his brain into such a state of activity that he might understand the +situation, but he found no relief, and had to go away muttering to +himself that "summut must be wrong somewhere." + +A complete damper was now put upon the whole of the proceedings, by the +appearance of a most melancholy and miserable-looking body of men. On +their faces woe, deep woe, sat enthroned, and their dress bore testimony +to the depth of their sorrow. This mournful section of the disaffected +could scarcely speak for emotion. It was a deputation from the +undertakers, who declared that unless something was done to revive and +encourage their drooping trade, they would all have to throw themselves +upon the community by entering the work-house. They said their business +was not what it had been or what it ought to be. Though perhaps they did +not suffer as much as other traders from foreign competition, people +still having sufficient respect for themselves to wish to be buried in +home-made coffins, yet the general depression, but more especially that +which bore so heavily upon their worthy friends, the publicans, bid fair +to ruin them. Indeed, they saw little before them but their own +tenantless coffins. Then they said that buryings had so fallen off that +little or no margin for profit was left, for not only had they decreased +in number, but also considerably in quality. People, they declared, +seemed to take more care of themselves than they used to; eating less, +and drinking less; consequently living longer. Then when they died they +generally left behind them strictly economical and even niggardly +instructions, and worse still, relations who were mean enough to carry +them out. They said all this was against the interests of trade, and +ought to be put a stop to. All hired grief, they declared, was a drug +upon the market. The nodding funereal plumes were fast vanishing. The +pensive, sorrow-faced, and red-nosed mute, they declared, would soon be +a being of the past, and would only live in the pages of history, unless +some fresh life was put into him by more frequent deaths, and more +decent and expensive funerals. They said that the money now spent upon +floral decorations, which in a few hours were crushed under the earth, +if they did not find their way to the grave-digger's cottage, would keep +a mute in drink and his wife and family in bread for many weeks, and +they declared that such sinful waste ought to be put down by the strong +arm of the law. It was a pity, they said, that such a hardness of heart +had seized upon the Buccaneer's people, for that now the circumstances +of the deceased could no longer be told by the funeral obsequies, and +that now many a great, and even rich man, went to his last resting-place +with no more pomp, than if he had been one of mean degree. A few widows +perhaps, whose hearts were stricken with remorse for the lives they had +led their husbands, and out of gratitude for the comfortable +circumstances they had been left in, still showed liberality, but the +number, though respectable, was not more than sufficient to give a small +flicker to the dying lamp of their prosperity. + +With eyes brimful of tears, they declared that their old friends, the +doctors, were deserting them, for they did not now kill half the people +they used to, and there seemed to be a selfish desire on all sides to +cheat the grave, and consequently to injure the undertakers. + +Then they declared that science was doing an infinity of harm by poking +its nose into every offensive smell it came across, by trapping drains, +emptying, and forbidding cesspools, and finding sanitary preventions for +nearly every disease. This, they declared, was violating one of the +Buccaneer's most cherished principles, namely, the liberty of the +subject. They further said that their trade now, owing to the doctors, +science, and the spread of education, which was an enemy to dirt and +drains, seldom, if ever, received a fillip from the friendly hand of an +epidemic. As the absence of outdoor, and indoor, parish relief was an +index to the prosperity of the country, so they declared that the +falling off even in pauper funerals bore ample testimony to their +languishing trade. + +Thus ended this funeral oration, and it had such an effect upon the +Buccaneer that what little spirits he commenced the day with had +completely vanished. It seemed to him that each hour brought before him +a sadder picture, and he called for the captain of his watch, for he +wanted to ask him how he could reconcile what he had said about the +general happiness, and prosperity of his people, with this long list of +disaffection. But old Dogvane was not to be found. Some said he had only +just gone round the corner for a few minutes, while others said he was +on duty on board of the old Ship of State. + +After a little consideration the Buccaneer made known to the undertakers +how deeply he was grieved at their sad story, "But," he added, "in such +things it is not well to act with indecent haste, lest some greater +injury should be done. So grave do I consider the matter you have +brought before me that I promise you a Royal Commission." + +With voices quivering with emotion the undertakers thanked their august +master for his extreme consideration, and most gracious condescension, +and they said they felt sure that if their case was only laid before a +Royal Commission it would certainly not be prejudiced by any undue, or +indecent haste. + +But now there was a great commotion going on in the crowd, and two angry +women were heard abusing each other like the proverbial fish-fags. The +one was called Fair Trade, the other Free Trade. These two had had a +quarrel of long standing, and they never met that they did not exchange +compliments. Each carried baskets, in which were various articles of +merchandise. They seemed now to have a strong inclination to tear each +other to pieces, and their shrill voices were heard for a considerable +distance, and forced themselves upon the ears of the grand company. + +"If I had my way," cried the one known as Fair Trade, "I would tear all +that cheap finery of yours off your back." + +"Yes," exclaimed the other, "and stick it upon your own. That costly, +but sober looking homespun of yours needs something to set it off," so +said Free Trade, who held up before the eyes of the people her cheap +wares. + +"Buy my home-made loaf," cried Fair Trade. + +"Buy mine at half the price," cried Free Trade. + +"Better give me double for mine," exclaimed Fair Trade, "than deal with +that woman. She is bringing ruin upon us with her cheap trash. Through +her our cornfields lie fallow. Through her our industries languish, and +some even have passed away from us. Through her our country has been +filled with idle hands, and the wolf of want has been brought to many a +door." + +"They don't seem to have settled their dispute yet, Jack," the Buccaneer +said. + +"No, sir. A few years since and nothing would do but you must lie the +old bluff-bowed ship Protection up, and now some of them are always +casting longing eyes at her, and their sighs of regret would fill the +sails of a Seventy-Four." + +"What!" cried the Buccaneer, in dismay, as he saw Poverty with her large +family of ragged and half-starved children now come on to the scene. +"You here again. Why I am constantly doing something for you, and my +Great Hat is forever being sent round." + +"And still I want," said Poverty. + +"I have built you model dwellings. I have ordered all your drains to be +trapped; your cesspools cleaned, and your dustbins emptied; and all your +children I insist upon being sent to school, so that they may learn the +efficacy of comfort and cleanliness, and learn to bear with patience +their many sufferings." + +"But I ask for food," persisted Poverty. + +The Buccaneer now said, "I give you, my good woman, the very best of all +food, namely, food for the mind." + +But Poverty answered, "Why turn the lamp of knowledge into my hovel? Why +teach me that while others have plenty, I am in rags, cold, and hungry. +Knowledge on an empty stomach is a dangerous thing. To open my eyes is +the refinement of cruelty, for ignorance, at least, dulls the edge of +misery. If you cannot fill my stomach and patch up the rents in my +clothes, then in pity kill me. Send me to a lethal chamber and let me +revel for a brief moment in the luxury of one good meal, and let me pass +into eternity without the pinching pangs of hunger." + +This language shocked every one, and the feeling was still more +increased, when Pity, who was standing not far off weeping, said, +"Mother, if you cannot feed this poor woman and her many children; if +you have no room for them, then for my sake take them to thy bosom, +close their eyes, and hush them to sleep in everlasting slumber." + +Poverty was chided in a gentle tone by the Buccaneer's High Church +dignitaries there assembled, and prayers were said for her, and she was +told that though she received stripes and lashes here, in the next world +she would be rewarded, and she was bid to fix her gaze upon that region +which lies beyond the grave, where the bright star of Hope is forever +shining, and where there is neither hunger, cold, nor thirst. + +Just as all sympathy was enlisted on the side of this poor woman a +circumstance happened that changed the whole current of feeling. +Suddenly a cry rose up of "Stop, thief." It was now found that while all +interests were centred upon Poverty, one of her children, seeing the +opportunity, slipped round, and getting unobserved upon the platform, +had crawled along, in a most irreverent manner, under the legs of the +Lords Spiritual, and being totally uninfluenced by the atmosphere of +sanctity in which he moved, the young rascal had slipped his hand into +the capacious pocket of the Buccaneer, and had taken therefrom ever so +much gold and silver, while the old coxswain was found to have lost his +best silk bandana. + +This bold act of robbery caused a great commotion, and extreme +indignation, and in trying to catch the thief, Poverty was entirely +forgotten, for, of course, crime in a community is a much more serious +thing than any amount of want, though one is frequently but the +offspring of the other. + +So indignant was the Buccaneer at this gross act of ingratitude, that +directly he regained his composure, he read Poverty a lecture and told +her she ought to be ashamed of herself, and that unless she took better +care of her children they would be sure to fall into either the jailer's +or the hangman's hands. "No wonder," he said, "that misery darkens your +doors, and hunger pinches your children's stomachs. Away with you," he +cried, "and learn to be honest, thrifty, industrious, and sober, for God +alone helps those who help themselves." + +There was a twinkle in the old coxswain's eye. He was labouring, like a +ship in a gale of wind, under the influence of a joke. A joke is of such +a nature that the owner of it cannot keep it in. Like murder it will +out. "Master," he said, "your doctrine is a little dangerous. You scold +Poverty one moment for what you bid her do the next." + +"How so?" + +"Why did not her young brat help himself to my bandana and to your +superfluous cash?" + +The expression on the Buccaneer's face at thus being trifled with, was +such that old Jack, to make use of sea-faring language, bore away, and +mixed amongst the crowd, just as another great hubbub arose from the +regions of the disaffected. The grand court was broken up by Demos, who +having collected as many as he could of the discontented had raised his +standard again and was for enthroning King Mob in the Buccaneer's chair +of State. With wild shouts and with flourishes of sticks and other +improvised weapons, he came on and demanded a hearing, and many thought +there would be just such another to-do as when the old cox'sn so +gallantly defended the gorge and regained possession of the Place of +Discord. + +Demos now in the attitude more of a dictator than a supplicant, demanded +of the Buccaneer that capital should be confiscated and divided amongst +the people. That luxury should be banished. That all should be made to +work for a living and that the hours of labour should be defined, +limited, and enforced by law. "By nature," he said, "all are equal, and +in the sight of God there is no such thing as class distinction. Every +person born is born to an inheritance, and that is a right to live." +Demos declared that all property must be common, and all human drones +destroyed. He raised the old cry of equality, which history and even +nature has proved to be an impossibility. + +When the crowd heard the words of Demos there was a great shouting and +clapping of hands. This comprehensive scheme somewhat frightened the +upper layer of the Buccaneer's society; some of whom declared that Demos +had foreign blood in his veins; that he was an alien. But Demos cried +out, "No alien am I. I am as much your child as those who sit enthroned +in high places. They toil not, neither do they spin, but live by the +labour of other people. It is against the vampire capital, that I wage +my war. That bloodsucker, which feeds upon the industries of your poorer +children, who have built up for you your present greatness by the sweat +of their brows and by the blood of their bodies." + +"And would you, my lad, from sheer envy and hatred," cried the +Buccaneer, "pull down in one day what it has taken me so many years of +toil to build up? From what babbling brook have you drunk in your +principles?" + +"From no babbling brook," Demos exclaimed, "but from that deep spring +which has been handed down to us from ages past. Did not the Great +Master, whom yonder old Church Hulk professes to follow, teach us that +all men before God are equal, and that all property should be held in +common." + +Here the High Priest of the Buccaneer rose up and said, "Our Great +Master never, by either word or deed taught, or even sanctioned, +robbery. On the contrary, He enjoined every man to be contented with +that which he had; not to covet other men's goods. He said, give, but +never take. But you are not the first who has tried to distort the +Scriptures to serve your own selfish ends." + +"Is it not written," said Demos, "him that taketh thy cloak forbid not +to take thy coat also?" + +"That neither sanctions nor justifies the confiscation," replied the +High Priest. "Is it not also written that the things belonging to Cæsar +shall be given to Cæsar?" + +"But who is Cæsar?" cried Demos. "I am no longer a boy now, to be petted +and cajoled, and to be bought over by sweetmeats or a piece of cake. I +have a freeman's limbs, give me then a freeman's rights." + +It is not to be supposed that on so great an occasion the Buccaneer's +old coxswain, Jack Commonsense, was going to remain silent, so he said, +as he shoved himself to the front, for he had lost his place in the +confusion brought about by the act of robbery on the part of one of +Poverty's children. "Master!" he cried, "I am on in this scene. What +rights, my lad," he said addressing Demos, "do you claim that you have +not got, except the right of putting your hands into other people's +pockets; just because your own happen to be empty or not too full? This +is a robbing of Peter to pay Paul, with a vengeance." + +"Who are you," said Demos, "that you should make yourself a judge over +us?" + +"Who am I?" quoth the coxswain. "Who am I, forsooth! It is a pity, my +lad, you should have to ask the question; but there; memories the likes +o' yours are always short; who am I, indeed! why I am Jack Commonsense, +very much at your service, my lad, and cox'sn to the honest rover." +Suddenly correcting himself, he said, as he lifted his tarpaulin in +token of respect, "that is to say, Sea King, that ever ploughed the +briny ocean. I have stood by my master, my lad, in fair weather and in +foul, and when the stormy winds have blown, and the dark rocks and +savage cliffs of danger have been upon our lee, oftentimes I have seized +the helm and steered my master clear, and damme, if I will desert him +now. Now listen, my lad, and all you whom it may concern, while I spin +you a yarn that I picked up on the Spanish Main, ages ago. We picked up +many things there, master, did we not? Dubloons and other treasures. But +here's my yarn. Once upon a time, a man had five sons, and when he was +dying he called them round him, and gave to each a fair share of his +property, and told them to act to each other as he had acted towards +them, and to have all things in common amongst themselves. But one, my +lad, so the story goes, d'ye see, was a spendthrift, another was a wine +bibber, while another was a glutton; the fourth was a seeker after +pleasure, while the fifth was a hard working industrious and sober man. +The four first named would do anything but work, and they each gave away +their birthright to the fifth; the one for this thing, according to his +want, the other for that, until at length the fifth son had possession +of the whole patrimony; would you, my lad, were you in his place, +divide, and go on dividing amongst your ne'er-do-well brothers to all +eternity? Not you, or you are a greater fool than I take you to be. +Where then is your community of property? Then as to your equality. That +won't wash, my mates. There is no such thing as equality, for one is +strong, another weak; one is swift of foot, another slow, while one has +more brains than another. Why the hides of asses ain't all of a +thickness, and the stick that reaches one, won't touch another; but let +that fly stick to the wall, even among thieves and such like vermin, +there is no equality, the strongest always getting the lion's share. +Take all our master has, and lay it out before you; feast your eyes upon +it; gloat over it, and then begin to divide it equally amongst +yourselves, and you will be at each other's throats before you know +where you are; so much for your brotherly love. Then, my mates, before +you commence pulling down, you ought to decide upon what sort of a +commonplace hovel you are going to build up. But the first thing you +ought to do, is to turn out all the blackguards belonging to our +neighbours, for we have enough of our own, and whatever right you think +you may have to other people's property, foreign rapscallions can have +none, and if you allow them to cry shares, you will be robbing your own +honest selves. Trade will languish and die out, for there will be no +security for earnings, and no emulation. Ambition, that mighty lever to +human actions, will succumb. Farewell too, to art; and science even +will flag for want of nourishment. As luxury is to be banished in our +earthly paradise, all carriages will be put down, and all the hands +employed in connection with them, will be thrown upon the market. The +horses will have to be turned out to grass, and live a life of indolent +ease, until they vanish from the land or are turned to a different use, +for nature has decreed that nothing useless shall last. The vanities and +even the luxuries of the rich furnish thousands of deserving mouths with +their daily food; but all this will have to be stopped, and God alone +knows who will benefit. Then I suppose you will occupy the palaces of +the rich, as long as they stand, by people of one common level of social +standing, and we shall sink into a nation of flats. Let that fly also +stick to the wall. Then as no new mansions will be built, for want of +wealth, the builders' trade will suffer, and more idle hands will be +thrown on the community. Enterprise will die and one trade after another +will go, and then farewell to all. The great Sea King upon whose vast +empire the sun never sets; the mighty trader, the great pioneer of +civilisation; he whose footprints are to be seen in every part of the +universe will sink, unremembered unrespected, and unregretted into the +silent tomb of the past and some stronger, and wiser people will take +his place. + +"Master!" cried the cox'sn turning to the bold Buccaneer, who listened +with wonder to old Jack's long-winded harangue. "Master!" he cried, +"this Demos is but a boy amongst us yet; he is a young colt that must be +neatly bitted and ridden on the curb, or he will of a surety bolt and +fling his rider into the ditch as his forebears have done before him." + +Just as things were looking at their worst, the sound of music came over +the water from the old Ship of State. It was Pepper, the cheery little +cook, the foster father of Demos, playing a tune upon his barrel organ. +The strains had a mellowing and soothing influence upon the whole +company, and so what at one time bid fair to take a serious turn passed +off quietly, and so ends the longest if not the dullest chapter in this +eventful history. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII. + + +The event recorded in the last chapter brought the grand court to a +somewhat premature but fortunate conclusion. Though many grievances were +made known, it is not recorded that a single one was remedied or +redressed, and this perhaps was quite according to precedent. + +Dogvane did not see the grand court out; but for reasons of his own, he +slipped away and hastened on board of the old Ship of State, where also +he found most of his watch; for as the saying is, they seemed to have +smelt a rat. He called his merry men on deck. "Mates," he said, "my +glass is falling; so likely enough we shall have a strong breeze blowing +off shore before long, therefore haul all taught, make all snug, and +look out for squalls." + +The doughty cook now spoke up, like the bold and clever man that he was. +"Captain," he said, "if so be that we are going to have foul weather, +why not lighten the ship at once? Chuck over board a couple of dukes, or +a brace of earls, or a score or so of common ordinary lords, and the old +ship will ride through the storm all the better." It was wonderful, what +a dislike Pepper had for the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber, and the people +said there must be more in it than appeared on the face of things. +Nothing the cook would have liked better than to have pickled the whole +lot, when the brine would not have been wanting in strength; Billy +Cheeks the burly butcher would no doubt have done all the preliminary +business with pleasure, for he also had his eye upon the Buccaneer's +bloated aristocracy. All this was very strange, for Billy, it was said, +had the very best of blood in his veins. + +Many thought that beneath the modest bearing of the cook, there lurked +a great ambition, which was no other than to put on old Dogvane's cloak, +boots, and collars when nature called that worthy old salt away. + +When the cook suggested the lightening of the old ship, Chips the +carpenter raised his axe and took up a position beside the hawser that +bound the Church Hulk to the Ship of State. The butcher also drew his +large knife and felt its edge, for he had quite regained his nerves, and +was ready for anything. Old Dogvane smiled approvingly upon their ready +zeal; but said, "Steady, my lads, steady. All in good time. No occasion +to jettison any of our cargo yet, however useless it may be. You, Billy, +who have some smattering of legal knowledge, can explain the meaning of +the term. But again, my lads, I ask you, how you came to set that old +church drum a beating? The solemn sound as you know will at all times +awaken the slumbering feelings of our master. Besides, I myself am +considerably affected by it. I should not see that old craft cut adrift +without a pang. But see what it has done. It has thoroughly roused our +master, and it has raised more devils than we probably shall be able to +lay. It's ill to waken sleeping dogs, so says the proverb. The old +Squire too is on the tramp, and our master is now for poking his nose +into everything. The paint brush, my lads, the paint brush, is at most +times better than either the hammer, or the chisel. No offence to your +mate, Master Chips." It now came out that Chisel was still ashore, and +absent without leave, and many thought he would not come out of it with +anything less than a general court martial. + +The carpenter now showed a spirit of mutiny that surprised all, and +shocked both the cook and the butcher, his, at one time, friends. + +"Captain!" he exclaimed, "I've served with you now for many a day, and +I've served you well; but the time has come when every honest man should +speak his mind. It is all very well for you to put all the blame upon +our backs, but let every one bear his own burden. Why did you try the +old dodge of throwing dust in our master's eyes? You know he is getting +quite accustomed to that sort of thing and can see through it. Why did +you tell him all those cock-and-bull stories about contentment, and all +that kind of stuff, and induce the old gentleman to hold the Grand +Court? Then why did you take him abroad? This it is that has raised all +the dust." + +"Well, Chips, my lad," cried the old captain, as he dashed a tear from +his eye. "This comes hard, very hard from you. For you to turn upon me, +cuts me to the very quick. Under the shadow of my wing, you have risen +from a low position on board this old craft, to one of great +consideration. There was much more in store for you, for I might, in +time, have persuaded my master to make either a general or an admiral of +you, or you may indeed have risen to be steward of his household. Only +that I have a son myself who is the joy of my old age, and the very +apple of my eye, and more to me than ever Joseph was to Jacob, it is +possible that when I pass away my cloak would have fallen upon your +shoulders." + +The cook gave the butcher a look and the butcher's breathing became +laboured under the weight of suppressed feeling. Old Dogvane continued +his address to the carpenter: "Why did I throw dust in the old man's +eyes? I am surprised that such a clever lad as you should ask such a +simple question. Is it not a time-honoured custom? Have not both the +watches done it for ages past? The only error I made was that the dust +was not thick enough, and the old man saw through it, and there lies my +mistake." + +The carpenter was going to answer the captain, for his mutinous spirit +was getting the better of him, but the cook seized the carpenter and led +him away. + +Presently the old Buccaneer was seen slowly walking down to the beach +and he was pestered on every side by a swarm of cheap-Jacks of every +nation. They hung about him, and as the saying is, they nearly bothered +the life out of him. The poor old gentleman seemed to have suffered +considerably from recent events, and the sickness of his heart was +beginning to pray upon his body. With feeble steps he laboured along and +hailed the old Ship of State, but his voice wanted the cheery ring of +old. + +"Away with you, my lads," cried Dogvane, who heard the Buccaneer's call. +"Clear the decks, and each one to his post. Away, and leave the matter +in my hands. I will below and look over the chart of public affairs and +I will shape a course that will take us out of our difficulties or my +name is not William Dogvane. I see the old gentleman has not his +busy-body of a coxswain with him, so much the better for my plan. I +never could hit it off with that party. Away, my lads, to your posts." + +Each one did as he was told, though the carpenter grumbled; but the cook +said to him: "Since when, my mate, have you learnt to change your tune?" + +"That barrel organ of yours, Master Pepper, may grind away at the same +old tune for ever for all I care; but I have my sticking point," said +the carpenter. "At any rate I don't shilly-shally about things like old +Dogvane does; but I speak out my mind like every honest man should; and +look you, my little Pepper, I'm not going to be monkey-led by any man." + +"Say you so," replied the cook. "That is a pity; I want a monkey for my +organ, and no doubt, you would dance as well as any other." + +"Not to your piping, my lad, so stow that. There is a time for all +things, Master Pepper. Your jokes and jests are well enough upon a full +stomach of contentment, but now they sound flat and feeble. Were I a man +easily moved to mirth I might laugh perhaps to-morrow. Look you now! If +our little game had come off old William would have been with us heart +and soul and then the old fox would have set all sail before a full +blast of public opinion, and have taken all credit to himself. But let +the wind be doubtful, and he is for ever trimming as if his ship were in +a constant sea of doldrums; and what is more, Pepper, he is not above +flinging a messmate overboard if it suits his purpose. I'm weary, my +lad, of the company I am sailing in." + +"Ship of State ahoy!" came from the shore, and interrupted the +carpenter's grumblings. A slight breeze came off the land and shook the +shrouds. "Make all taught," cried old Dogvane, "and pipe the pinnace +away. I see the cox'sn has put in an appearance after all. I wonder what +the devil he wants. I begin to think he is an office-seeker and a +place-hunter like the rest of the world." Having said this, Dogvane +disappeared below. + +Presently the old Buccaneer appeared on board. Not a soul was to be +seen. "What!" he cried; "no one on deck. What ho! below there!" + +No answer came. He passed by the cook's galley as he went to take a look +forward. The cook could be heard reading out the following receipt: +"Take one reputation of good social position and pull well to pieces, +add one pound of garbage, two ounces of gall and one quart of vinegar, +season well with salt and pepper, stew, stir and skim, and serve up when +ready." + +"A savoury dish that, Master Jack," said the Buccaneer to his coxswain, +who replied that at such things the cook of the Starboard Watch had not +an equal, and at a dish of scandal he could scarcely be beaten. The +Buccaneer, having taken a turn round, came to the after part of the +ship, and there he saw old Dogvane with his head just above the after +companionway. "Who calls?" he asked in the most innocent manner +possible. + +"Who calls!" cried the Buccaneer, "and is this the way you look after my +affairs? not a soul on deck!" + +"Not a soul on deck, sir!" exclaimed Dogvane, in surprise; "then +everyone must of a certainty be below." By this time many of the crew +had put in an appearance and were busy working away at their respective +duties. Chips, having got the better of his fit of ill temper, sang as +he worked the following song: + + "My mate is ashore in tow of a lass, + Cock-a-doodle, + A right clever fellow turned into an ass, + Cock-a-doodle, + He's tied by the leg with a petticoat string, + Cock-a-doodle, + And never again will his cheery voice sing, + Cock-a-doodle." + +The look-out man aloft being awakened, no doubt, by the voice of the +carpenter, sang out: "All's well." This was official, and Dogvane looked +upon it as a good sign. "Your ever watchful man aloft, sir, tells you +that all is well; we must perforce believe him, for he is a creditable +witness." + +"All's well, indeed!" exclaimed the Buccaneer. "What do you mean by +telling me that all is well? Are you, Master Dogvane, a knave or a fool; +or do you take me to be either the one or the other?" + +"God forbid, sir, that I should make so grievous a mistake," replied +Dogvane, with humility. + +"What did you mean by telling me that my foreign relations were all +good, and that my people at home were prosperous and contented?" + +"Did I say so much, master? It is on my memory that I did not go so far; +I may have said that they ought to be contented. There lies the +difference." + +"Why, there is not a profession or trade, or even class that is not +crying out. My very women are rising in open rebellion. What say you to +this?" + +"It is passing strange, sir, and only adds one more proof, if it were +necessary, of the extreme ingratitude of human nature. There is scarce a +thing that we do not take into consideration, and so great is our +concern for your welfare that we try to legislate for all your simplest +needs, and in time we hope that everything will work with clock-like +regularity, and if a man gets drunk even, it shall be by Act of +Parliament." + +"Pray, sir," asked the Buccaneer, "what business had you below on such +an occasion as this?" + +"Sir," Dogvane replied, "I was occupied with matters of the gravest +importance; something that touches closely upon my master's honour. +Master, master," he suddenly cried in an ecstasy of delight, "what think +you? I have glorious news; glorious news for you." + +"Glorious news! then out with it, man, for I need something to raise my +spirits." + +"Sir," cried Dogvane, rubbing his hands with glee. "What think you; I +have a concession." + +"A concession, man! A concession! that is news indeed. Do you hear, +Jack, our honest Dogvane has a concession." The old cox'sn kept his +silence; but the Buccaneer was highly pleased for it was now more his +custom to grant concessions than to receive them. There was scarcely a +neighbour, or foreign relation, no matter however small, who had not got +something out of the old man in recent years. At one time he used to +thrash his enemy first, and then grant him a concession perhaps, +afterwards, and this line of action had its advantages, and in the +long-run saved very much time, trouble, bloodshed, and money. The news +of the concession brought back the blood to the old Buccaneer's jolly +round face, which regularly beamed with enthusiasm. + +"Ah! Dogvane," he said, "after all you have served me well, and no +matter how you may be reviled you have proved yourself a faithful +servant. And so you have a concession!" Then an idea seemed suddenly to +strike him, for turning an anxious look upon old Dogvane, he exclaimed, +"Stay! Is it a good concession; one worthy of a Sea King? It is not from +the Calf of Man is it?" Dogvane shook his head. "Nor from either Jersey, +Guernsey, Alderney, or Sark?" Dogvane again shook his head. "Has the +Egyptian gipsy sent an apology and withdrawn her curse?" + +"My master is wide of the mark," said Dogvane with a smile of +satisfaction. + +"Well, if the concession comes from neither of these quarters, Master +Dogvane, I know not where to look. Stay though. Have the Ojabberaways +sent an apology for all their abusive language and unseemly conduct?" + +"Not within striking distance yet, sir. Some time since, my master, you +were anxious to show our trusty friend here, Jack Commonsense, some mark +of your great favour. The matter is not without its difficulties; but +still it may be accomplished. Now, if your trusty cox'sn, who is an +excellent sailor, no doubt, though deemed for some unknown reason +common, has any royal blood in his veins, we can with the stroke of a +pen make either an Admiral of him, or a Field-Marshal, or even a Bishop. +Then again, if he were only a rich brewer, or a successful trader of any +description, or a supporter through thick and thin of our Starboard +Watch, we could at once make him a lord of high degree." + +"What has this to do, Master Dogvane, with the concession? Why, in the +devil's name, do you torment me? Have concessions been of such frequent +occurrence in recent years that I can thus afford to dally with them? +Speak out, or I will drag that unruly tongue of yours from its roots." + +Dogvane, seeing that further trifling would be dangerous, said, "Do you +remember, sir, that little dispute we had with the great Bandit of the +East upon a small matter of a boundary?" + +"Yes, yes, I remember, go on." + +"And no doubt you also remember my extreme regret that we had not with +us that energetic young wasp, Random Jack, so that we might have either +bumped him on the boundary, or whipped him on the breech." + +"What has all this to do with it? Your enemies say that you are little +better than a wind-bag, and I verily believe they are not far wrong. Has +the Eastern Bandit made a concession? Come, yea or nay." + +"No other." + +"Honest Dogvane, your hand. This is indeed glorious news. So you have +brought the mighty Bruin to his senses, and he has knuckled down to the +Lion. But go on, Dogvane, the concession." + +"If you remember, sir, we placed the matter in the hands of our faithful +friend and ally, King Hokeepokeewonkeefum, his august majesty of the +Cannibal Islands." + +"I remember, man; but that part of the transaction does not give me the +satisfaction that perhaps it ought. The concession." + +"Still the same old prejudice against colour? but no matter. As--" + +"What the devil is in the man! Are we never coming to the concession? +Where is this concession? Out with it, or, by my soul, I will lay my +stick across your back." + +Dogvane was between two stools; he feared to trifle with his master any +longer, and he feared to make known the concession. Though no one could +humbug the old Buccaneer like Dogvane, even he could not go too far, and +he had now come to the length of his tether. + +"Sir," said Dogvane, "we have gained a great diplomatic victory." +Directly the Buccaneer heard the nature of the triumph his face fell. + +Dogvane came cautiously to the subject again. "With the aid of King +Hokee I have settled your dispute without spilling one drop of Christian +blood." + +"Tell me, man, at once!" cried the Buccaneer, as he raised his stick +above his head, "has the Eastern Bandit made honourable amends?" + +"He has, sir," replied Dogvane. "He has indeed done all we can in reason +expect. The Bandit, though a Christian, is a proud man; and it is not +acting generously to humble any man too much." + +"Master Dogvane, I too am a Christian, and I have my pride as well as +the Eastern Bandit." + +"You, sir, are the leader of the Christian world, and as such should set +a good example. I did not say, my master, that pride was a Christian +virtue, though far too many Christians wear it as their everyday dress. +Pride, indeed, is the worst of sins, and through it Satan himself fell. +My master is great and noble, and all powerful; he can therefore afford +to be magnanimous. Bearing this in mind I made peace when you had been +beaten three times in the open. Few other nations, and few other men, +would have done this; certainly not the great Bandit of the East. Would +your other watch have had the courage to do it?" + +Thus did the cunning Dogvane run on, still evading the point of all +interest. But his master's patience was now completely exhausted, and he +brought his stick across the captain's back. + +"Softly, master," cried Dogvane, as he winced under the blow, "my coat +needs no dusting. The point is at hand. I have agreed, or arranged, or +it may be that I have entered into a sacred covenant with the great +Bandit of the East, that for certain considerations, hereafter to be +settled and defined, you shall black his boots." + +"Black his boots!" cried the Buccaneer in amazement, "and is this your +concession, fellow?" + +"Stay, stay, sir, not so fast," replied Dogvane. "Make haste is no doubt +a very good horse, but hold hard is a better. We have not come to the +concession yet. That stick is mighty hard. Stay, sir! I am coming to it. +It is this. In consideration for past favours, and to promote a good +understanding between you both, the Eastern Bandit graciously +condescends to find his own blacking." + +"The devil he does," exclaimed the Buccaneer, as his eyes opened wide +with astonishment. "What concession is there in that, pray?" + +"A very great one, sir, considering the size of the Bandit's boots, it +is little less than enormous. You might, sir, had it not been for +diplomacy, have been obliged to provide your own blacking. To get the +Bandit to concede this cost no end of trouble. One ambassador was quite +broken down, and several minor diplomatic officials have been rendered +quite useless for the remainder of their lives. Their minds having quite +given way, and they are left little better than babbling idiots, and +every boot they see they persist in blacking." + +The bold Buccaneer that once was, the great Sea King, the mighty trader, +was struck for a few moments completely dumb. Indeed Dogvane's +concession seemed to have benumbed his brain. His old coxswain, who had +kept a respectful silence during this long-winded palaver, now spoke, +having first of all cleared his decks, as he called it. "Master +Dogvane!" he cried, "the man who stoops to black a boot, will in all +probability be kicked by it before the job is finished." + +"Who asked you to put your spoke into the wheel?" Dogvane said in an +under tone, and then added aloud: "I've been thinking, sir, that we +might promote our honest friend here to some sinecure, where he will for +the rest of his days have little work and plenty of pay. We have many +such posts at our command, but strange to say, they are all full at +present. The keeper of the Imperial Hat is a duke; the emolument is +barely a thousand a year, but the honour is great and is much coveted. +Then there is the custodian of our master's night cap, that is held by +one who has royal blood in his veins, and he cannot be sent home, or +about his business." + +Dogvane's list of high offices was brought to an abrupt conclusion by +the sudden awakening of the Buccaneer, who seemed to be possessed with a +spark of his old fire. His wrath burst upon Dogvane like an angry gust +of wind. "Out of my sight," he cried, as he again raised his stick. Now +the keeper of the Buccaneer's stick was another high official, who drew +a goodly income for doing so. Dogvane, in his mind, determined that this +officer should be at once replaced by one who took better care of his +business. He thought, and perhaps rightly, that on such an occasion as +the present, the stick should either have been mislaid or sent to be +polished, or otherwise repaired. "Out of my sight!" cried the Buccaneer, +as he brought his stick down heavily upon old Dogvane's back. "Begone +thou veritable wind bag. Do you wish to thrust me down on my knees +before all the world? It was not by eating humble pie, fellow, that I +have grown to what I am. Get thee hence ere I break every bone in thy +body; thou weigher of scruples, thou splitter of straws. Where now is +all that money I gave thee over this affair with the Bandit?" + +"Master! master!" cried Dogvane as he cowered beneath the anger of the +old Sea King, and fell down on his knees before him. "Be not hard upon +your servant. Have I not served you faithfully these many long years? +When I had charge of your till did you not make more money than ever you +have since? Did not your pence grow into shillings, and your shillings +into pounds? Have not my eyes grown dim, and my hair sparse and grey, in +your service? Then bear with me a little while." + +The Buccaneer was slightly mollified. "Ah!" he said, "like many another +old servant, you trade, Master Dogvane, upon the past, and think that +your master will bear any amount of carelessness and bungling now for +the sake of what has been done before. If in days gone by you made money +for me, you have taken very good care to squander it since. But there +must be a limit to the endurance even of the best of masters. Have you +not dishonoured me in the eyes of my neighbours? Is your memory so short +that you have forgotten their reception of me? Have you forgotten the +scorn of some? the indifference of others? Have you forgotten the +revilings of the Egyptian gipsy? Have you not estranged my friends from +me and made me a must elephant of the herd, to wander out into the +wilderness? Through you is not the charge laid against me that I have +turned my back upon my enemies, and have you not so lowered me in the +estimation of my neighbours, that the smallest dog amongst them barks at +me?" + +"Master--" + +"Stay, fellow! I have not finished with you yet. While you prated about +economy and peace you have run me deep into debt; while the wake of the +old Ship of State, during the time you have been at the helm, has been +constantly smeared with blood." + +"Good master, the blood rests not upon my head, but upon that of the +other watch. All the trouble that I have got into has been owing to the +dreadful inheritance they left me." + +"That, Master Dogvane, is too stale a cry to be readily believed. It is +an old trick, and not altogether a reputable one, for one servant to try +and saddle another with the fruits of his own stupidity, or +carelessness. But where is that eleven millions I gave you for a certain +purpose?" + +"Good master, it is true that I have a little outrun the constable; but +I have had to recompense Abdur for the damage done, and I have had to +buy his friendship. Then the stupendous preparations I made were costly, +and though there may not be very much to show for the money, yet no +doubt a bloody war was averted, many lives saved, and in the long run, +much money." + +"A war averted, Master Dogvane, I have been told, is only a war +postponed, and that when once put off it generally comes at a most +inconvenient time, and is likely to prove most costly. To strike +promptly and hard, experience has proved to be the better plan, and the +cheapest both in men and money. Begone from my sight, fellow, for I +begin to know thee. I may be slow to anger, but when once roused, those +who displease me had better beware of me." + +Thus it was that old Dogvane, the captain of the Starboard Watch, fell +under his master's displeasure. As is always the case directly fortune +begins to frown on a man, his enemies crop up by the scores in every +direction, and all add a little to the victim's shortcomings, memories +for which are long. It is a noble idea that of not kicking a man when he +is down; but it seems to be honoured well in the breach. Once let a man +trip and he is spared by few. It seems to be a law of nature to attack +the wounded. The birds of the air do it and the beasts of the field, and +the savage drives his spear into his wounded enemy. Civilisation uses +other weapons than the steel-tipped ones; but they are none the less +keen and effectual, for a wounded spirit often gets the sharp shaft of +scorn sent clean through it. There is no mark of violence on the body, +but there is a wound within that never heals. + +Things went from bad to worse with old Dogvane until one day he and his +watch were kicked, without ceremony, over the ship's side. What brought +the final catastrophe about was that Dogvane very unwisely, or some of +his hands, tried to tamper with the old Buccaneer's drink. Touch him on +his stomach and you made an enemy of him at once. Chips no longer sang, +and Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher, was more gloomy than ever. He was +not a man of mirth. Even his jokes were heavy, but perhaps his trade +affected his disposition; it often does. The cheery little cook never +lost heart, and as they rowed ashore he gave them a tune on his barrel +organ, and gave them a song in which he ridiculed the prominent men of +the other watch, and, as a matter of course, the members of the +Buccaneer's Upper Chamber came in for their fair share of good-natured +criticism or abuse. As has been said, no one saw a blemish in a +neighbour sooner than the cook, and if that neighbour happened to be one +of the lords temporal, Pepper prodded him well with jeer, jest, and +sneer. + +As Dogvane and his mess-mates rowed ashore in disgrace, several heads +appeared looking over the bulwarks of the after part of the old ship. +These were the occupants of the Upper Chamber, who crawled from their +state room like rats from their holes, when the cat is away. The old +Church Hulk seemed to awake as from a deep slumber, and presently a hymn +of praise and of thanksgiving rose up and was borne upon the breeze all +over the Buccaneer's island, and the hearts of all the great Church +dignitaries and their many followers rejoiced that the Lord had for the +time being saved them from the hands of the Philistines; or in other +words from Pepper, and Billy Cheeks. All on board the old Church Hulk, +and very many others amongst the Buccaneer's people, fully believed that +if once the moorings of the old Hulk were slipped and she was allowed to +drift away from the Ship of State, the days of the Buccaneer would be +surely numbered. Respectability declared that she could never then go to +church, for that she certainly could not listen to a priest, who, no +matter however good a Christian he might be, was not a gentleman, for it +must be known that all Christians of the various other denominations +outside the old Church Hulk, were scarcely deemed to belong to that +extremely rare and privileged class. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX. + + +As the Starboard went ashore the Port Watch came on board, all with +their new brooms. There was the Captain, Bob Mainstay, by name, and his +first Lieutenant, Ben Backstay, a good sailor and true. There was also a +full compliment of other officers and men. Amongst the rest there was +the cheery little midshipman, Random Jack, who was now on the eve of his +promotion. It was wonderful how this little fellow had pushed himself to +the front. + +Wonders, it is known, never cease; but it was a strange sight to see the +Port Watch rowed on board by Ojabberaway boatmen. When the +weather-beaten old captain of the other watch saw this he smiled in a +manner that was peculiar to him and said: "That won't last!" Then, as if +speaking to himself, he added, "I wonder now, what was their price. +Humph! there is nothing that Bob Mainstay can either promise, or give, +that I cannot go beyond. Unless indeed, he and his crew chuck overboard +all their principles. Ah! there's the rub. Principles and politics don't +always pull together, and politics often, being the stronger of the two, +pulls principles round with a bang." + +Now there was an animated discussion all along the hard and amongst the +Press, as to whether or not the Port Watch had been rowed on board by +the Ojabberaways. Many were prepared to swear that it was so; that there +could be no mistake about the matter. Others declared it was one of +those optical delusions which are for ever happening to surprise and +mystify people. Those who see the supernatural in almost everything, +declared that this was merely a deception brought about by the devil. +The Buccaneer's people were ready to believe almost anything just +according to the party they belonged to, or the principles they +professed. Indeed their credulity was so great in most things that the +cunning rogue frequently reaped a rich harvest out of them. Astrologers +were all dead, but the people, some of them, still dabbled in magic and +believed in spiritualism. + +Before the Port Watch left the shore they promised to do no end of +things and their parting with the poor Beggar Woman, Patriotism, was +most affecting. They said that so long as they had charge of the old +Ship she should want for nothing. In fact everybody was to be made happy +and like the ending of all good books, and works of fiction, virtue on +all sides was to be rewarded. But the atmosphere of that old Ship +clouded the best of memories. Besides, every one knows that promises are +quite as cumbersome baggage as a conscience, and all those who wish to +get on in the world must unload themselves of the one, as readily as +they do of the other. + +Many of the crew of the Ship of State kept their consciences on board of +the old Hulk alongside, where they were cleaned and repaired and sent +for when wanted. + +The daily press having had their usual battle, settled down to dictate +to the watch in charge what they had to do and what they had not to do. +Indirectly it pretty well ruled the roost; told the captain what man he +was to put here, and what man there; but Captain Mainstay filled up his +different posts according to his own way of thinking, always bearing in +view, of course, the Buccaneer's cherished custom. All this took some +little time, for you cannot get things to fit on such principles all of +a sudden. Accidents will happen, and chance will occasionally put a +square man into a square hole and then he has with much difficulty to be +pulled out and a round hole found for him. + +New brooms invariably sweep clean and the Port Watch set themselves to +work to clean up the mess left behind by old Dogvane and his lot. No one +kicked up more dust than did the, at one time, little middy, who for his +good behaviour was made steward of the household of the Buccaneer's +Indian Princess. It was his duty to watch over her; to guard her against +her enemies and especially to keep an eye upon the wicked Bandit of the +East. + +They all agreed for once, and declared that old Dogvane had left things +in a terrible state of muddle, and they were unanimous in the belief +that they had only stepped on board just in the nick of time to save the +old Buccaneer from complete ruin; but this belief was also common to the +other watch when they took charge. The cook's galley they said was in a +shocking state and full of nothing but cheese parings; while he had +scribbled all over the place, "the Upper Chamber must be destroyed." All +people have their peculiarities, their whims and their fancies, and the +clever little cook was not without his. + +When the cook reached the shore, he went about with his barrel organ and +sang songs about the iniquities of the other watch; of their indecent +haste to get on board the old Ship and grab the emoluments attached to +the several offices. The cook being placed in easy circumstances, by the +profits he received from his barrel organ, could afford to be virtuously +indignant. + +Scarcely had the Port Watch settled down to their work than things went +wrong with them. They did not in shaping their course make due allowance +for the current of Public opinion, which at times set very strong, and +the old Ship of State got into difficulties. Over the ship's side they +went as quickly as they had climbed on board and the helm was again +placed in the hands of that experienced old salt, William Dogvane, who +was, however, requested by the Buccaneer to keep his weather eye open, +for that if he caught him again napping it would be the worse for him. + +"Master," said the captain, "it is no use your putting me on board this +old ship unless you give me powers sufficient to keep the wild and +mutinous Ojabberaways in order. They are simply playing the very devil." + +This to the Buccaneer was a hopeful sign, for Dogvane had always been +accused of sympathizing with this people and indeed of playing into +their hands. With Dogvane came the conspirators of the cook's caboose. +They still held together, though the carpenter was drifting away from +his old comrades, into a purer and brighter atmosphere. The cook was +like that pattern sailor, Billy Taylor, full of mirth and full of glee. + +One fine morning the whole of the Buccaneer's island was awakened by a +great hubbub on board of the old Ship. The Church Hulk was slumbering in +a peaceful repose after her recent rude shaking. She had again settled +down to her usual state. + +Notwithstanding what old Dogvane had said to the contrary he soon began +intriguing with the Ojabberaways and he made a rapid shift, coming to +the conclusion that nothing would make the Ojabberaways eternally happy, +but to give them everything they wanted. He said the old Ship thus +lightened would ride easily ever afterwards. The cook, however, true to +his hobby, said that it would be a great pity to waste the Ojabberaways +when there was the whole of the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber weighing the +old Ship down by the stern, and generally retarding her progress, and +interfering considerably with her steering. + +Things looked very bad, and Random Jack who was ashore was most +eloquent, and declared for his part he should never be surprised to see +a flare up on board the old Ship, when, no doubt, honest sailors would +come by their dues. The noise upon the Ship of State roused up the crew +of the ship alongside, for if there was to be a mutiny, or any thing of +that kind going on, they felt sure they would be boarded, robbed, and +cast adrift. + + + + +CHAPTER XL. + + +Just as people had conjectured; there was a mutiny on board the old +ship, and amongst the Starboard Watch which old Dogvane had allowed to +get a little out of hand. + +Even the conspirators of the cook's caboose were torn asunder, and the +hand of the cook wished to grapple round the throat of the carpenter. +The cook abused poor Chips right merrily, and called him every name +under the sun, and would allow him no virtue, and very little +intelligence. Pepper, with Billy Cheeks the burly butcher, stuck to +their captain with an affection that was pleasant to see, and there +could not be a doubt that if all went well with the captain, these two +would be amply rewarded for their fidelity. But the cabal of the cook's +caboose was completely broken up. + +The carpenter now behaved in a manner that did him very great credit, +and surprised not a few. He turned his back upon the cook and the +butcher, and this so displeased them that they never after had a good +word to say for him. + +It is most fortunate that this mutiny, unlike most other mutinies, was +unattended with any bloodshed or loss of life, and of course, this being +the case, it lost very much of its interest. Neither was the old Ship of +State scuttled and then run on shore, robbed, plundered, and abandoned. +Nor did the crew fall upon each other in the division of the plunder, +cutting each other's throats and otherwise conducting themselves as is +usual on such occasions, though it must be said that the Ojabberaways +excited fear in many a breast. + +How long the idea of freeing this people had been a quiet occupant of +old Dogvane's breast, smouldering there as such things generally do, it +is impossible to say. He was sphinxlike and could not be read. Nor was +it at all easy to tell which way he would go, or what he would do; for +he at all times made what is said to be the true and proper use of +language, namely to disguise his thoughts. He also found it a most +useful means of either screening an advance into an unknown, and +unfriendly country, and also to cover his retreat when beaten. The +upshot of the mutiny in the Starboard Watch was, that one fine morning +our old Buccaneer woke up to find that Dogvane, his trusted captain, in +whom he had placed so much confidence, had gone over bag and baggage to +the Ojabberaways, and that he had taken with him Pepper the cook, and +Billy Cheeks the burly butcher. + +The captain had apparently come to a hurried conclusion, and had risen +in the dead of night, and having hastily stowed away his sea chest, and +called to his side his beloved son, the small band deserted their old +comrades, and turned their backs upon them for ever. + +When all these things became noised abroad, very great was the +consternation, and it set many tongues wagging, and all kinds of things +were said. The carpenter was very much applauded even by those who at +one time had plentifully abused him; but in this world of ours nothing +lasts long; the sinner of to-day is the saint of to-morrow, and the only +thing needful is to wait. Chips, the carpenter, was now thought fit +company for the noblest in the land; no doubt, all this was most +gratifying, and if it had not been for the constant prods, that the cook +kept on giving him with his flesh fork, the prongs of which were dipped +in gall; and the occasional sarcasms hurled at him by Billy Cheeks, no +doubt Chips would have been a happy man. + +As is always the case on such occasions, vague rumours got about, some +of which turned out in the end to be true. It was said, upon what was +supposed to be very good authority, that Dogvane was to be crowned king +of the Ojabberaways, and all, both friends and enemies, wished him joy. + +There are those who go about seeking kingdoms; carpet-bag kings in fact, +but Dogvane was not one of these kind of pedlars, though if a kingdom +was thrust upon him, of course he could not help himself. + +It is very much to be regretted that ill-nature did not spare Captain +Dogvane; but it did not, and very many most improbable stories now got +wind. It was said, amongst other things, that every night before going +to bed, when anything had gone wrong with him in the day, that he tore +up his night shirt. The story is scarcely worthy of credence, but even +if it were true, history affords many examples of a like nature. We are +told on the most reliable authority that the Patriarchs of old whenever +they were put about invariably rent their garments, and even King David +himself, it would appear, was very much given to this practice. A king +of course can do no wrong; but amongst people of lower degree the habit +should be discountenanced, both on the score of expense, and of decency. + +It was also said that Pepper was to be rewarded for his fidelity to his +master by being made court jester to Dogvane, king of the Ojabberaways, +and that in addition, he was to be chancellor of the exchequer, +custodian of the Ojabberaways' morals, and a teacher to them of manners. +These offices were brought under one head for the sake of economy, and +as Pepper was an enemy to all official extravagance, this combination +pleased him. All thought he would have quite enough to do; but then +Pepper was an able man, and what to others would have been fraught with +very great difficulty, was to him a matter of ease. It is a happy thing +to be especially endowed by Providence. Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher, +was also promoted from his humble position on board the old Ship of +State, so it was said, to be minister of justice to the king of the +Ojabberaways, for he had some legal knowledge and gravity enough for a +judge, and as things were to be conducted on strictly economical +principles, he was also to preside over the Ojabberaways' High Court of +Assassination. He was to be also the keeper of the king's conscience. It +was thought that he also would have enough to do. + +Again did the Port Watch step on board with that jaunty and +devil-me-care air, so peculiar to sailors. Random Jack was given a +higher post even than that which he had held before; for he was made +keeper of the Till and holder of the Buccaneer's Great Purse, offices +only held by men of the most approved ability, and integrity. Many +believed that he was destined on some future day to command one of the +watches, but there seemed to be some difference of opinion as to which. +Many indeed there were who pinned their faith to Random Jack, and many +there also were who asked themselves how it was that he had thus made +his way. Some affirmed that it was by his undoubted ability, but quite +as many declared that it was by his unbounded impudence, frequently +called self-confidence. Possibly it was by a happy combination of the +above two qualities that he had been so successful. Certain it is that +no man can expect to rise to a great height unless he has a good share +of the last of the above virtues, for it is the only one that the world +truly appreciates. + +Of all things there is nothing like success. The middy now, instead of +being ridiculed, sneered at, and flouted, was taken up, and those who +before would have passed him by without bestowing upon him even so much +as a supercilious nod now claimed an acquaintance with him, and declared +that they had seen all along the superior stuff he was made of. + +Those people who know everything, and they are so many that it is little +short of a wonder that the world still keeps so uninlightened, said they +should never be surprised to find that Random Jack had entered into an +alliance with the carpenter, and obtained through him and others the +command of the Starboard Watch; but the carpenter was an ambitious man. +Upon the old cox'sn being asked his opinion about Random Jack, he gave +it, as was his custom, and according to his own fashion. "The lad is +good enough, d'ye see. He has parts, and he's got his head pointing in +the right direction; if only he has his ballast all aboard. But, my +mates, he seems a bit light at times, and does not stand up well to his +canvas, but that will come in due course; that will come when he has +trimmed his ship a bit. Then he has a knack of steering a bit wide at +times; now coming up in the eye of the wind, until he is nearly taken +aback; then veering away until he nearly wears round on the other tack, +why, his wake, my lads, is about as straight as a cork-screw. Give him +more ballast, and a steadier hand at the helm, and the lad will steer a +good course through life. Them's my sentiments, mates." + +But one fine day when Random Jack was sailing pleasantly along with all +plain sail set to a fair wind of public opinion, he suddenly, without +rhyme or reason, put his helm down, and everything went by the board, +and Random Jack was left a sport to the waves of Fortune, without either +sails or rudder, and it was doubtful whether he would ever again make +the fair land of Promise. + +But before all this a sad thing happened on board the old Ship of State. +The first lieutenant of the Port Watch, honest Ben Backstay, had, so +many people thought, been treated in a somewhat scurvy manner, not only +by the captain of the watch, but by some of his mess-mates. On one +occasion he was tripped up, it was said, by Random Jack and another, and +poor old Ben was hurt considerably, though like the brave sailor that he +was, he never uttered a word of complaint; but as a slight reward he was +kicked upstairs into the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber, thereby falling +under the displeasure of the immortal Pepper. + +If honest Ben had any feelings he never showed them, and of course, not +doing so they were not respected. One morning the whole ship's crew were +stricken with sorrow, for Ben, while at his post, heard Him whom all +must obey, call his name; so leaving his body below, his soul soared up +aloft. The flag of the old Ship of State was half masted, and minute +guns were fired. The bells from the church towers tolled out the +mournful news, and the Church Hulk sent up to Heaven a requiem on behalf +of poor Ben. He was a staunch friend of this old Ship, and she could ill +afford, in such perilous times, to lose even one supporter. The +Buccaneer mourned the loss of his trusty servant, and he kept a small +spot in his heart wherein to plant a few flowers of memory to honest Ben +Backstay, and as they towed him to his last moorings, the old Buccaneer +said: "Let us all hope that poor Ben Backstay, like poor Tom Bowling, +may find pleasant weather, until He who all commands, shall give to +call life's crew together the word, to pipe all hands." There was much +sorrowing in the land, and many a heart was sad. + +Ah! the human heart is but a grave-yard, where lie buried many hopes +that never survive even their first childhood; many ambitions cut off in +all the freshness of youth, and many friends. As we live, we bear there +from time to time, the cherished remains of someone, or of something we +love. In our lonely hours we sit by these silent graves, and shed many +warm tears of sorrow over them; wishing oftentimes, that we could bring +back the dead. Thus we sit, and sit, and mourn, and mourn, day after +day, and night after night. At length our sun sets, and our eyes grow +dim in the waning light, until at last they close forever. With us we +take our little grave-yard, with all its flowers, and bear it away into +the great darkness of eternity. + + + + +CHAPTER XLI. + + +Things with the Buccaneer had so gone from bad to worse and so preyed +upon his mind that his body became affected and he was seized with +illness of a lingering kind; but the nature of his illness no one knew. + +Now his island was celebrated for men skilled in the treatment of every +known disease that man is heir to. Many of these men were specialists, +that is to say, they bestowed the whole of their labour and attention +upon some one particular disease, or part of the human body. Others +again were faddists, that is, they pinned their faith to some particular +course of treatment. One of these tried upon the Buccaneer total +abstinence, but he got so weak and irritable that this man was shown the +door. He went away perfectly well satisfied that the Buccaneer's life +was merely a matter of days. Another doctor was called in, who declared +he was no advocate for slops and physic. A generous, but plain diet, +with plenty of fish to strengthen the brain, the whole washed down by a +tablespoonful of whisky diluted well with water, twice a day, was all +that was required; but on no account to touch claret, which, he +declared, was little better than poison, while sherry was molten lead to +the strongest stomach. This advice was not given in the above simple +terms, for no little of the physician's skill depends upon a grave +deportment, and the use of a language altogether unintelligible to the +ordinary mind. Then when by long familiarity the understanding does +begin to grasp a name, a new denomination is found for an old complaint, +or something fresh is manufactured out of the weakness of the human +body. The above treatment was acceptable for a time; but it soon began +to pall upon one who had all his life been accustomed to good living, so +another doctor had to be tried. When this eminent man heard of the +course prescribed by his predecessor, he raised his eyebrows and smiled +in a grave and wise manner; there being no approach, however, to coarse +and vulgar mirth. "Ah!" he said, as he read over the prescription and +order of diet, "brother Grain is a very clever fellow, without doubt, +but he has his whims and fancies. Whisky he swears by, because he likes +it himself; but I confidently assert that you cannot drink anything very +much worse. A little good sound claret, not any of those mixtures, mind +you, that are made at home, but a good, pure, wholesome, sound, and not +manufactured wine. This, and a diet of game, or fowl, will bring you +relief. The nature of your disease is to be explained simply thus: +Imperfect mastication and a slight weakness of the salivary glands not +bringing about a healthy deglutition there is in consequence a +corresponding loss of chymification, followed by imperfect +chylification, and thus the food is not properly acted upon before it +passes through the pyloric opening into the duodenum. Having had the +above explained to you in this simple and unpedantic manner, you will, +no doubt, my dear sir, feel very much more at ease." Having thus +delivered himself, the doctor took both his fee and his departure. + +How sad it is that the poor human body cannot run through its brief span +of life, without having to carry about inside it a bottled-up disease of +some kind or other, which in time eats through the cork, or stopper, and +flows out all over the system, poisoning everything. Taking away all +sunshine, all happiness, until at length it dries up the channels of +life; not sparing either the great and rich, but attacking the mighty as +well as the lowly; not leaving alone so great a man even as our bold +Buccaneer. It is sad, but then there is a crowd waiting for us to move +on. + +After the faddists came the specialists. Each one of these saw in the +Buccaneer's illness some one of the symptoms of his own especial +disease. Many of these most eminent men met in consultation, and there +was a great diversity of opinion. Each of the learned physicians flew at +once to his particular part of the Buccaneer's body. One said he was +suffering from dropsy and that nothing would save him but immediate +tapping. Another said it was stone, while a third was equally sure it +was his kidneys that were affected; this happening to be at the time the +fashionable disease. The exploring needle was thrust into every part of +the patient's body, with the result that some skulking disease was said +to be at the end of it, like a base conspirator plotting at the great +man's life. They one and all agreed, however, that the patient was +suffering from plethora, brought about by a too generous diet, which so +often accompanied very great prosperity. So before they left they bled +him freely; but still he neither recovered nor did he mend. + +Only one set of specialists dare not approach him, and these were the +mad doctors; those who treated the human mind. So sensitive was the +Buccaneer on this point that it was extremely dangerous to mention the +subject of insanity. He allowed all his idiots and maniacs to go about +at large, and he never interfered with them until they killed some one, +or outraged society by some scandalous act of indecency. They were then +locked up to keep them from doing further injury. + +The old coxswain stood by his master and prevented him from being either +starved, bled, or physiced to death. His neighbours too, all took a kind +interest in his welfare. Looked in just to see how he was getting on, +and to see how long he was likely to last. Said they hoped he would soon +recover; but in their hearts they hoped he never would. On their faces, +as is the custom, they wore a deep look of concern; sympathised with all +his sufferings, and told him to cheer up, for that they felt confident +he would pull through. Inwardly they were considering what of the +Buccaneer's property they would lay their hands upon, when the old +gentleman became too weak to defend himself. This is not hypocrisy, it +springs from that most laudable motive of not wishing to prolong the +suffering, or hurt the feelings, even of a rival. + +But what caused the poor old gentleman more annoyance than anything was +the way some of the members of his family behaved, taking advantage of +the old gentleman's state of health to pester him almost to death, and +would not take no, for an answer. His daughters even gave him no peace, +and their shrill voices were to be heard even above the men's, +clamouring for all kind of things. + +Some of them put on their nursing caps and bib-aprons and fell to +wrangling amongst themselves as to how the sick man was to be treated, +while at one end of the room, one Zedekiah Cant, had enthroned himself, +and held forth, by way of comforting the sick man's soul, upon the +horrors of hell. This reverend gentleman had slipped into the room while +two priests belonging to the old Church Hulk fell foul of each other on +the door-step over a matter of orthodoxy. + +The old coxswain tried his best to keep them all quiet, and he read many +of them a lecture; but just as he had succeeded in establishing a little +peace in rushed one of the daughters--the one who, at the march-past of +the disaffected, had begged that all violent death might be banished +from the Buccaneer's kingdom. "Look here, sir," she exclaimed, holding +up a pigeon. "It's dead!" + +"Who is dead?" cried the old Buccaneer, as he raised himself up in bed, +and looked fiercely round like some old terrier who on a sudden smells a +rat. "Has anything happened to the Eastern Bandit?" he asked. The ruling +passion it is well known is strong even in death. + +"Far, far worse, sir," cried his daughter. "In wanton sport your +cruel-minded sons have killed this poor, unoffending bird. Its life has +been sacrificed to provide a holiday for the idle." + +The Buccaneer finding that it was not his old rival who had come to +grief, sank down again and appeared quite unconcerned. Miss Progress now +requested silence and she at once commenced to lecture the Buccaneer +upon the theory of atoms; but even this did not seem to revive the +drooping spirits of the sick man. It, however, edified the lecturer to +no small degree, therefore it was not altogether barren of results. No +sooner had this daughter finished than another came forward, until at +length the Buccaneer, who was not ill enough to stand all this worrying, +requested his coxswain to pack the whole lot about their business. This +he did with extreme pleasure, and he assisted Zedekiah down-stairs with +the toe of his boot. As he was kicked out of the front door he was +attacked and well rated by the two clerical disputants, who dropped +their discussion to do battle with him. + +The old coxswain took this to be a good sign, "Ah!" he said to himself, +"if my old master would only rip out an oath or two, like he used to in +our good old fighting days, it would gladden my heart and I would say +there's life in the old dog yet." + +Now there lived in the Buccaneer's island a celebrated quack, Doctor +Politics by name, and there was scarcely anything that this man was not +supposed to be capable of doing. He had practised long and with success +and he was said to be extremely clever; having a remedy for everything +as most quacks have, and as he suited his fees to every pocket he did a +very good business, and was becoming more powerful in the Buccaneer's +island every day he lived. No doubt this man had worked some very great +cures and had brought relief to many suffering bodies; but the great +quack, like all great men, had his failings. Having been successful in +some things he thought himself skilled in all, and his bearing soon +became presumptuous and offensive in the extreme. People, however, +believed in him, and that was all that was necessary. Of course he made +mistakes at times, and his patients occasionally slipped through his +hands, and occasionally the cure was worse than the disease; but +accidents will happen even to the cleverest men, and when he made a +mistake very little was heard of it. + +In an evil hour the Buccaneer put himself entirely in the hands of this +physician, who when he entered the sick man's room, began to make great +alterations both in medicine and diet. He was a most expensive man and +his fees were exorbitant, but to one as wealthy as the Buccaneer, money +is no object, and indeed he thought all the better for those things +which he paid well for. + +"Sir," said the quack, "I have only been called in just in time. You are +suffering from a very severe depression, brought about by too good +living." In this he seemed to agree with the other physicians. "Your +constitution is impaired, and even endangered, and your interior +economy is altogether wrong. I will prescribe for you a strict regimen. +Every action must be regulated by law, I will lay down for you what you +are to eat, and what you are to drink, how much, and at what times. Your +hours of labour shall be defined, and also your hours for recreation; +the latter I will in time make to equal, or exceed, the hours of toil. +Your hours of sleep shall also be regulated, and indeed every action of +your life shall be brought under proper control, so that you need never +trouble yourself about anything, and any independent thought on your +part, or even action, will be quite unnecessary and altogether out of +place." + +As is well known old servants frequently presume upon their position, +and old Jack was no exception to the rule, so he said, "We have enough +of your sort of medicine, doctor, on hand already and to spare. What my +master wants is a little more freedom." + +The doctor looked up from the work he was at and said, "Indeed, may I +ask, my good sir, at what college you took your degree? Are you one of +those narrow-minded bigots, who not being able to see beyond your own +nose, which by the way seems to me to be an unusually long one, declare +that all beyond is ignorance and folly? Pray, may I ask if you are +homoeopath, or allopath?" + +The old coxswain took no notice but creeping up to his master he +whispered in his ear, "Master, master, have a care. This fellow is +weaving a straight waistcoat for you, and God only knows, you are +cramped enough as it is." + +But the Buccaneer did not understand his old friend and so the quack +continued his work, and presently said, addressing the coxswain, "Well, +my man, I will have nothing to do with you, and as you are likely to +interfere with my treatment with your cut and dried notions, your room +will be better than your company. Your master requires no fruit of the +medlar kind." + +"If your medicine," replied Jack, "is of the same kind as your joke, it +won't kill with laughter if it does not cure, and there's comfort in +that." + +"Begone, thou dotard!" cried the quack, "and mumble your old wives' +sayings to old wives' ears." Thus was poor old Jack banished from his +master's room. One of the accusations brought against the Buccaneer was +that he turned his back upon his friends. About the truth of this it is +not necessary to trouble; in such things, and indeed in many others that +ill nature floats, there is generally sufficient to give a colouring. +One thing is certain, he now allowed a well-tried, and honest old +servant, to be put on the wrong side of the door. + +Like some faithful old dog, Jack hung about the place and often, and +often tried to steal into his master's room, just to see how he was +getting on. He swore he would be silent and not utter a word, but poor +old Jack's reputation for silence was not great, and the quack doctor +kept such an eye upon his patient that he could scarcely dare move, or +speak, without his authority. The only consolation that old Jack had was +to cry out in the hearing of everybody, "Well, damme! if this is +liberty, give me the four iron-windowed stone walls of a prison for +choice." But nobody seemed to heed him. + +It was a sad sight to see this, at one time, daring old Buccaneer, so +fettered and bound. Many a good fight had he fought for the sake of his +freedom and after all it had only brought him to this. Evils, it is well +known, never come alone, and misfortune after misfortune befell him, for +one morning the merry round-faced sun rose with a broader smile than +usual upon his jolly red face. It was found that Madam Liberty, of whom +people had talked and prated so much, and made such a to-do about, +toadying, and flattering her, on even the smallest occasion, had turned +out to be no better than she should have been. The precise name by which +she was known it is not necessary to mention. Women of her class have at +all times played conspicuous parts in the world's history; being even +favoured of princes and other noble personages, while one even was made +the consort of an emperor and sat upon an Eastern throne. But a greater +surprise was still in store for people, for one morning they rose up to +find that the modern Phryne had disappeared in a most mysterious manner +and many believed that she had been made away with by her son, Demos. +This individual had now grown to great consideration in the Buccaneer's +island, and under the patronage of the quack he had been made custodian +of the household, and keeper of the old Buccaneer's honour; but the +latter office under his care soon became a mere sinecure. In turn Demos +became the master even of the quack, who had done so much to place him +where he was; but is not the story of kicking away the ladder by which +you have climbed, a very old one? + +The uncrowned queen, Respectability, still held her sway, but her +kingdom had become more confined, and she became a most prim, and +exclusive sovereign. The great quack doctor treated her with the utmost +consideration and politeness, and even Demos, who was for pulling down +everything, tried to gain her over, but her majesty became extremely +haughty and reserved, and would have little or nothing to do with him. + +But now the sorrow of sorrows has to be told. It was a wild and stormy +night. The rain swept over the island in blinding sheets. The wind +howled amongst the rigging of the old Ship of State, and the wild waves +dashed against the rock-bound coast, throwing up clouds of spray, and +roaring like hungry monsters, eager to devour their prey. The old +sign-board over the door of the Constitution public-house laboured to +and fro in the blast, and groaned every now and again as if in pain. The +light from a feeble lamp shed its uncertain rays upon two forms lying +side by side on the cold, damp earth, and the wind as it passed them +seemed to sing a funeral dirge to the Buccaneer's two best friends, the +Beggar Woman, Patriotism, and the old coxswain, Jack Commonsense. + +The two of them had travelled side by side on the road to Misfortune; +begging about from door to door, but they claimed neither pity nor +sympathy, all people being much too busy with their own affairs to pay +them any attention. At length they dragged their starved bodies to die +in front of the old house they both loved so well. With the loss of +these two the Buccaneer's days, it was believed, were numbered. + + + + +CHAPTER XLII. + + +Little is left to be told now. The sick man occasionally rallied, and he +loved to dwell like most old men of every station in life, upon his +past. He was also given to occasional fits of boasting, and when he did +do anything he took good care to let all the world know it. "Did you see +that!" he would cry out in an ecstasy of delight. "Did you see the +mighty blow I struck? Never in my palmiest days did I do better. Hide, +hide your diminished heads, ye Ramillies, Malplaquet, and Waterloo." +These famous battles he loved to talk about. + +He also took a strange delight in showering upon all his people all +kinds of honours or distinctions, and it was said that men were +decorated for doing little or nothing. This was a symptom of decay. + +Sometimes as he sat pillowed up in his invalid's chair, with the great +quack doctor in attendance upon him, he would mumble to himself, "Aye, +aye, I knew thee well. There was Wallop, he swept the seas. There was +brave Howard, Hawkins, Frobisher, and the rest, and you, my little man! +No, no, I've not forgotten Trafalgar and the Nile. Don't you remember +them all, Jack? Jack! Jack! where's my cox'sn, he never used to play the +truant," but Jack never answered to his call, and the old man wandered +on. "Clack, clack go my windlasses; yo! ho! cry my men. Heave in, my +lads. Sheet home and hoist up, and bear away for the main." + +The great quack smiled as he glanced his eyes up at the long row of +shelves, with their burdens of remedies, all of which had been +prescribed to meet some fresh complaint, and many a costly dose had been +given, which only aggravated the disease; and of many of the others, all +that could be said was, that if they did no good, they at least did no +harm; but the straight waistcoat every day received some slight +addition, which contracted still more the old Buccaneer's actions, until +in time he could scarcely call his soul his own. + +Thus did this great man pass his declining years. Ruled over by a +tyrannical quack. Worried by his own children, to whom he had given +every indulgence, at the recommendation of Madam Liberty, until it could +with justice be said that they one and all combined to bring the old +Buccaneer's grey hairs with sorrow to the grave. + +It is usual in all books, and it is even necessary before you close your +pages to kill some of the characters, if not all. Sometimes they die a +natural death, at others they are either blown up with gun-powder, or +otherwise made away; either with the steel blade, or the leaden bullet +of the assassin. The characters who have strutted for a brief space upon +the pages of this history must be allowed to die peacefully. The star of +Dogvane, the king of the Ojabberaways, after resting for a short while +over the green isle of his adoption, set forever in the Western Ocean. +His chief jester, the merry Pepper, the man of infinite wisdom and +resource, also passed away. Dogvane was never allowed to carry out his +grand design of covering the naked population of the Soudan in home-made +fabrics. Nor was the cook soothed in his last moments by seeing the +object of his life accomplished, namely, the total abolition of the +Buccaneer's Upper Chamber; consequently we cannot imagine that his end +was peace. + +It is a pity that Death is no respecter of persons; had he been, the +gifted Pepper, would, no doubt, have been spared to amuse and enlighten +the world. Of the other conspirators of the cook's caboose, after having +served their allotted time, they also passed away, and it is not +recorded that Billy Cheeks, before he died, set fire to the waters of +the river that flowed by the Buccaneer's chief city. The carpenter rose +high in his master's household, and carried to his grave a goodly load +of honour. Of the rest, let history tell what truth or what lies it +likes, here no more will be recorded. It will be remembered that our +bold Buccaneer was at one time sorely grieved because he only had one +general. This seemed to prey so upon his mind in his last days, that he +tried to make amends for his past neglect by making generals by the +score, whether they were fitted for the position or not; nor did the +Buccaneer stop here, for he gave military titles to nearly all his sons, +in the hope, no doubt, that amongst the crowd there might be one +military genius, or perhaps two. + +But stranger things were yet in store for the world, and a graver +symptom of decaying power had yet to manifest itself. It has been +already said that no man ever did more to degrade noble distinctions and +marks of honour than did this, at one time, celebrated Buccaneer, in his +declining years. It is true that he had not sunk quite so low as one of +his neighbours, who sold such things for a mere money consideration; but +he had in his latter years gone some considerable way even in this +direction, for he had made money a stepping-stone to preferment. The one +who placed drunkenness within easy reach of his people, might reasonably +expect to be made a peer. The successful oil-man, or grocer, who had +made his five talents into ten, need not despair of earning the at one +time honourable distinction of knighthood, while any one who served his +party well, even if it were to the discredit of his country, was pretty +certain to be ennobled. The number of new creations was so great, that +his heraldic officers were nearly worn-out with finding ancestors and +pedigrees for all these great people, and it was wonderful what things +their industry, and their ingenuity, brought to light. Frequently they +followed the poet's art and gave "to airy nothing a local habitation and +a name." + +Had he promoted all his cooks to seats in the Council Chamber it would +not have been so very extraordinary a thing, considering the part that +cooks play in this world of ours. The Buccaneer now put a climax to his +folly by one day making all his tinkers lords, and all his tailors +knights. Whether this was done in a spirit of irony, or from a deep +conviction that, as he had gone so far, he could not in justice draw any +hard and fast line, will never be known. He was without doubt the best +tinker the world had ever seen, and he had a very large show of +tinkered pots, pans, and kettles, always on hand, but many thought he +might have stopped here. + +These last acts were considered to be of so grave a nature that the +priest took the place of the doctor, and when this happens little else +remains to be told. + +Before closing the pages of this history, another catastrophe must be +recorded. In one of those storms which were of frequent occurrence in +the Buccaneer's island, the old Church Hulk, which had ridden alongside +of the Ship of State for so many years in fair weather and in foul, +slipped her moorings one dark night, either by accident, or otherwise, +and she drifted on to the rocks of discord, and being broken up was +plundered; her own crew being fortunate enough to save some of her cargo +of riches for themselves. After all was over they set to work to accuse +and abuse each other. Some indeed expressed open satisfaction at what +had happened, for the discipline on board the old Church Ship had long +been too severe for them, and signs of mutiny and insubordination had +long been manifest, as has been already shown. These felt that now they +could worship their God how they liked, when they liked, and in what +costume they liked; and those who wished it, and there were not a few, +could even worship more gods than one. + +The loss of the Church Ship was put down to various causes by her crew. +Some said it was the work of the devil; others said it was through the +wickedness of men; but very few of them thought of applying to +themselves the proverb, which the old coxswain and his master had +brought from the Spanish Main. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII. + + +There are different opinions as to how the world is to end. Some say it +will eventually fall a prey to that rapacious monster, the sun, which +seems to be according to these people a veritable gourmand; requiring an +enormous quantity of food to keep him going, and thinking no more of a +planet than an ordinary individual does of an oyster. Others seem to +think that the present inhabitants are to be frozen out, while others +again think that the balance of things is to be upset, and that some day +we shall, world and all, be flung into unlimitable space, waking up +eventually perhaps the peace and quiet of some far off system. Whatever +the method, the result will be the same, so far as the inhabitants are +concerned. All people are selfish enough to hope that things will last +their time, for no matter how the world is abused, and called all sorts +of bad names, but few leave it willingly, and if they could look out +upon the many beauties with which they are surrounded; if they could be +cured of their blindness, they would see something fresh every day to +give them pleasure. + +It was equally a matter of doubt as to how this brave old Buccaneer was +to make his final exit. Frequently the last stroke of death is not given +by that ailment that has been threatening through life. But as to the +Buccaneer? Would his neighbours step in, and taking advantage of his +weakness, knock the old gentleman on the head, and then divide his +riches amongst themselves, and thus save all further trouble to +administrators and executors? Would Demos, taking advantage of the +position his wanton mother Liberty had placed him in, club the old +gentleman, and so give him the finishing stroke? Such a thing has +happened before now, in the world's history, and it may happen again. +Children petted and spoiled, have ere now risen against their parents, +and have cruelly treated them. Was the old Buccaneer, the prosperous +trader, to have the last drop of blood sucked out of him, by the foreign +parasites and cheap-Jacks, or was he doomed to have the last spark of +life trampled out of him by the Ojabberaways? Again, what if this old +Buccaneer, who had sailed for so many years under the death's head and +cross-bones, were destined to end his days under Petticoat Government? +There would be a strange irony in this, and such a thing would go far, +no doubt, to rectify the many injustices that the fair sex from the +beginning has been subjected to. Revenge is sweet, and no doubt if this +were to happen, the last moments of the Buccaneer would not be passed in +peace. But of his end who can tell? It would be but waste of time +further to surmise, for we must say farewell to our brave old friend. We +will leave him in the hands of the great quack doctor and his numerous +attendants. What matters it, whether after lingering for a while below, +he was taken up to heaven on a snow white cloud, the fringe of which was +illumined by the glowing embers of a world he loved so well, and in +which he had played a by no means insignificant part? What if he passed +away before the final consummation of all things, leaving his spirits +behind to walk the earth, and to encourage some weary traveller who, +commencing life as a Buccaneer, lives in after years under the +protection of the great uncrowned queen Respectability, and takes for +his fancy dress the cowl and frock of a monk? + +The last moments of the great and powerful are sad to contemplate, and +are not lightly to be intruded upon. We see the mighty intellect +impaired, and the babbling tongue let loose. We see the strong arm that +was once the terror of all those who came within its reach lying +listless on the counterpane, with emaciated fingers whose strength is +not sufficient to crush a fly. Character, virtue, intellect, all that +goes to make a man great, have to retire into the shade of the sick +chamber, and wait patiently there, silently watching the ravages that +are being made. Then with the last breath of the dying man, Reputation +spreads her wings, soiled perhaps, and torn by slander, and pierced by +the sharp pointed shafts of ill-nature, and takes refuge in the marble +palaces of History, where things are cleansed and purified, or condemned +to everlasting obloquy. + +We drop the curtain, and wish this celebrated Buccaneer a long good +night. + + +THE END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer, by +Richard Clynton + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIFE OF A CELEBRATED BUCCANEER *** + +***** This file should be named 36615-8.txt or 36615-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/6/1/36615/ + +Produced by Charlene Taylor, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer + A Page of Past History for the Use of the Children of To-day + +Author: Richard Clynton + +Release Date: July 4, 2011 [EBook #36615] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIFE OF A CELEBRATED BUCCANEER *** + + + + +Produced by Charlene Taylor, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<h1>THE LIFE OF A CELEBRATED BUCCANEER</h1> + +<h3><i>A PAGE OF PAST HISTORY FOR THE USE OF THE CHILDREN OF TO-DAY</i></h3> + +<h2>BY RICHARD CLYNTON</h2> + + +<h3>LONDON<br /> +SWAN SONNENSCHEIN & CO.<br /> +PATERNOSTER SQUARE.</h3> + +<h3>1889</h3> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + +<!-- Autogenerated TOC. Modify or delete as required. --> +<p> +<a href="#CHAPTER_I">CHAPTER I.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_II">CHAPTER II.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_III">CHAPTER III.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_IV">CHAPTER IV.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_V">CHAPTER V.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_VI">CHAPTER VI.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_VII">CHAPTER VII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_VIII">CHAPTER VIII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_IX">CHAPTER IX.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_X">CHAPTER X.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XI">CHAPTER XI.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XII">CHAPTER XII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XIII">CHAPTER XIII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XIV">CHAPTER XIV.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XV">CHAPTER XV.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XVI">CHAPTER XVI.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XVII">CHAPTER XVII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XVIII">CHAPTER XVIII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XIX">CHAPTER XIX.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XX">CHAPTER XX.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXI">CHAPTER XXI.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXII">CHAPTER XXII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXIII">CHAPTER XXIII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXIV">CHAPTER XXIV.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXV">CHAPTER XXV.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXVI">CHAPTER XXVI.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXVII">CHAPTER XXVII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXVIII">CHAPTER XXVIII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXIX">CHAPTER XXIX.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXX">CHAPTER XXX.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXI">CHAPTER XXXI.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXII">CHAPTER XXXII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXIII">CHAPTER XXXIII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXIV">CHAPTER XXXIV.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXV">CHAPTER XXXV.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXVI">CHAPTER XXXVI.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXVII">CHAPTER XXXVII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXVIII">CHAPTER XXXVIII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXXIX">CHAPTER XXXIX.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XL">CHAPTER XL.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XLI">CHAPTER XLI.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XLII">CHAPTER XLII.</a><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XLIII">CHAPTER XLIII.</a><br /> +</p> +<!-- End Autogenerated TOC. --> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><span class="smcap">Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer.</span></h2> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_I" id="CHAPTER_I"></a>CHAPTER I.</h2> + + +<p>Once upon a time there lived on an island, separated from the main land +of Europe by a silver streak of the ocean, a celebrated Buccaneer.</p> + +<p>There was a rugged grandeur about the rock-bound coast of this island, +with its bluff, bold headlands and beetling cliffs, where the sea birds +loved to make their nests high up above the spray; mingling their cries +with the voice of the ocean as it rushed into its wide and deep throated +caverns. The waves, too, worked ever, and for ever, a broad fretwork +collar round these rocky shores. Unlucky was the ship that found this +island on her lee in a gale of wind. Many a child had been made +fatherless there, and many a wife a widow. But to those who knew how to +thread their way through the many channels, numerous bays, creeks, and +rivers, offered a safe retreat either from the storm or from an enemy.</p> + +<p>This island was a fit home for one following the profession of a +Buccaneer. Its natural advantages were extremely great; for not only was +it difficult of access, but its innumerable big throated caverns opened +their wide jaws ready to receive anything that floated in from the +ocean. However, this bold pirate did such a good business, that in a +short time these caves became too small, so he had to build wharves and +warehouses to hold his plunder; for he lived in such an age, and was +surrounded by such unprincipled people, that he could not leave his +things lying about on the shore. Besides which, the climate was not +good, being frequently visited by fogs, gales of wind, and very heavy +rains.</p> + +<p>Soon villages rose up; then towns, which in their turn grew into great +cities, the principal of which were generally planted by the side of +some one of his many rivers. Soon the bays and rivers became crowded +with ships, and the shores were busy scenes of industry. Cargoes were +being landed. Sails were being made and repaired; ropes overhauled and +restranded, and the smell of the pitch caldrons rose up and mingled with +the salt air blown in fresh from the sea. Shipwrights' hammers resounded +along the shores, and were echoed back by the beetling cliffs. While the +men worked, the women sang, and the chubby-faced, fair-haired children +played about on the beach.</p> + +<p>To those who ask how our bold Buccaneer acquired most of his property, +it must be answered that it came to him in a manner usual in those +times. Everybody laid their hands upon what they could, and then devoted +all their spare time and energy to the keeping of it. Title deeds were +for the most part written in blood, with a sharp-pointed one-nibbed +steel pen. When we live in Rome we must do as the Romans do, and we must +not set up to be better than our neighbours, that is, if we wish to +prosper, and when all the world is going in for universal plunder it +does not pay to stand on one side, with hands idle, arms folded, and +eyes upturned to heaven, saying that people are wicked. Needs must when +the devil drives.</p> + +<p>It has been a time-honoured custom to rob and kill, so that riches may +be laid up; then it becomes the duty of all to watch lest the thief +breaks through and steals. This primitive method of doing business is +now justly condemned, and all nations pay at least a tribute to virtue, +by flinging a cloth over any shady action. But nations even now have to +maintain their dignity. Insults have to be resented, and ambitious +designs have to be frustrated. Battles are fought, and people are +slaughtered, and some one, as the saying is, has to pay the piper.</p> + +<p>It would almost seem, by a contemplation of things in general, that man +by nature is a robber, the action changing its colour according to the +atmosphere that people have to live in. In barbarous ages the act of +plunder is done openly, and a fellow-creature is sent about his +business, either with a broken head or with a spear through his body, +and there is an end to him, and perhaps the world is not much the +poorer. That honesty is the best policy is, by experience, forced upon +us; but even now, in our most enlightened age, the individual will at +times adulterate his liquor, sand his sugar, and sell short weight, +though he may try to sanctify the deed by saying his prayers before and +after; thus adding somewhat to the general stock of humbugs, hypocrites, +and Pharisees. But to our story.</p> + +<p>It was a noble sight to see this bold Buccaneer getting under weigh with +his fleet of ships. Clack, clack went the windlasses, and his brave lads +could be heard singing as they lifted their anchors a peak—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Merrily round our capstans go<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As we heave in the slack of our chain,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Into our sails the north winds blow<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As we bear away from the main.<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Yo ho, my lads, heave ho!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Home went the sheets. Up went the yards, and the sails bellied out to +the wind. On the shores crowded the women and children. The little ones +with shock heads of curly hair, the sport of the breeze, crying after +their fathers, holding up their tearful little faces for the sea-breeze +to kiss. The wives wishing their brave lads a prosperous voyage, and a +safe return, with plenty of plunder. Silks and spices from the East, and +gold and silver from the West, or wherever they could find it. Away went +the ships, with their white canvas spread like the wings of a seagull. +Soon the hulls were down, and the white specks, after lingering for a +while upon the far-off horizon, sank beneath and vanished. Then sending +a sigh after their mates on the wings of the north wind, the women +returned to their homes and sang their young sea whelps to sleep, with +lullabies tuned to the daring deeds of their fathers.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_II" id="CHAPTER_II"></a>CHAPTER II.</h2> + + +<p>Things in this world do not remain shady long. Time works wonders and +throws the halo of romance over the darkest deeds. See what time and +romance have done for William Tell. Look at your Alexander and your +Frederick; are not they both called great? Ah! these two were conquerors +not plunderers; and there lies the difference, though perhaps Maria +Theresa and one or two others might have had something to say against +one of these fine fellows. Then there is Robin Hood. Have not time and +romance completely changed the aspect of that, at one time, bold and +notorious outlaw? For over fifty years did this jolly robber enjoy +himself upon other people's property. Look too at the numerous other +gentlemen of the road; your crusaders and adventurers in early times. +What were the hardy Norsemen, of whom we love to sing? There is +something very attractive about your robber, no matter whether he +carries on his profession by sea or land, the only thing needful being, +to study him at a distance, and through the halo of this said romance. +If it were not for the world's great robbers what would historians have +to record; what would poets have to sing about? If they had to confine +themselves to the virtuous actions, to the good that is done, their +occupation would be gone. The chronicling of small beer is a waste of +labour.</p> + +<p>But there comes a time when the very worst of sinners are troubled by +that mysterious part of the human economy known by the name of +conscience. This conscience is at times a veritable tyrant, saying what +we shall eat, what we shall drink, and what we shall do. To the many the +matter is not one of difficulty. If they have to make their way in the +world, conscience is either thrown overboard, or put under hatches until +such times as it is wanted. Then it comes up all the fresher for its +temporary retirement, and is, generally speaking, very exacting.</p> + +<p>The disposition to repent of the evil we have done is not confined +either to age, time, or sex happily. The call comes perhaps, more often, +and earlier, to women than it does to men. Jezebel was not altogether as +good as she ought to have been, but even she might have turned over a +new leaf, and have become a most respectable saint, had not misfortune +thrown her across the path of that impetuous fellow Jehu, with the +result that she was, as every one knows, thrown out of a window. Had +Jezebel lived in the Buccaneer island in his later days, and had she +been young and beautiful, and the paint not too thick upon her face, she +might have been tried for some small act of indiscretion, such for +instance as that trifling incident about Naboth; but probably she would +have been acquitted, when no doubt she would have left the court without +a stain upon her character, and would have been an object of sympathy +ever after. This lady has left a numerous family of daughters behind +her, many of whom, however, turn over new leaves, and having been +considerable sinners, become the most straight-laced, unpitying, and +uncharitable of sour-faced saints. Poor Jezebel the first was never +given a chance. She lived too soon.</p> + +<p>But to the point. The time came when our bold Buccaneer received, as the +saying is, his call, and it was brought about in the following manner. +In early times when saints walked about the earth calling sinners to +repentance, one found his way over to the Buccaneer's island, induced to +go there, not by the hope of any worldly gain in the shape of church +preferment or salary; and here lies much of the difference between a +modern saint and an ancient one. But the one, of whom we wish now +particularly to speak, was impelled by the hope of snatching this +burning brand from the devil's fire. Some of the Buccaneer's neighbours +had tried to convert him before this, by means of the sword, but without +effect, for the pirate's nest was a hard one to take, and the eggs burnt +the fingers of all those who attempted to touch them.</p> + +<p>The precise spot where the saint landed is open to doubt; so is the +exact time and the method of his transit. Some declared that he came +over on a broomstick. Others again, said he used the ordinary means of +conveyance, and this is the most worthy of credence. About saints there +is generally something that is legendary. He preached his gospel to the +Buccaneer, and told him in the plainest language that he was going to +the devil, about whose dominion he drew such a glowing account that the +Buccaneer was moved.</p> + +<p>He repented, and determined to turn over that wonderful leaf, that the +world is for ever hearing so much about, and seeing so little of. To +show his earnestness, the Buccaneer built churches and endowed them, and +not unfrequently out of the money that he took from other people. This +was but right. Belfries rose up in every nook and corner, and their iron +tongues could be constantly heard calling all pious buccaneers to +prayer.</p> + +<p>But that befell the saint which sooner or later must happen to us all. +He died, but left behind him a book, which he told the Buccaneer was to +be his rule in life, for between its covers there lay the seed of all +that was good, and the gentle spirit of one, who though dead would live +for ever. The precious gift was handed over to the safe custody of the +Buccaneer's church, and the old saint with much sorrow and ceremony was +laid in his narrow cell, to await there the sound of the last trump.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_III" id="CHAPTER_III"></a>CHAPTER III.</h2> + + +<p>The days of mourning were barely over when difficulties arose. The faith +left behind by the old saint was extremely good, and even beautiful, but +it was not at all adapted to one who occasionally robbed a neighbour's +hen-roost. Indeed, it was not at all fitted for one who followed the +profession of a bold Buccaneer. It was a trifle hard to sell all that he +had and give it to the poor, who might be a lazy lot of skulking +rascals. Then who could expect to get on in this world, if, when one +cheek was struck he turned the other? Beautiful, yes, but not practical. +If our fighting Buccaneer did this sort of thing, every daw from the +mainland would invade the nest of the eagle, and peck him to death, and +suck his eggs.</p> + +<p>Then the command not to lay up riches upon earth; and to live in peace +and charity with all men. This was all very well, but then when you are +surrounded by a lot of people, who will not live up to these fine +sentiments, what is a poor fellow to do?</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer had a coxswain, who was his right-hand man, and whose name +was Jack Commonsense. He took him into his confidence. Old Jack +scratched his head, which was a sure sign that he was in trouble, and he +told his master that he did not see any way out of the difficulty, for, +if they sailed by the instruction as laid down in the Book the saint had +left behind, they had better give up the buccaneering business at once, +and try something else. The end of the matter was, that it was handed +over to the Buccaneer's Church to settle, for, as he said in his quaint +sea-faring language, it's no use keeping a dog if you have to bark +yourself. To his clergy he deputed the by no means easy task of shaping +a course in accordance with his book, the Bible, and at the same time +not altogether antagonistic to his worldly interests. In fact, some kind +of a compromise had to be made.</p> + +<p>Obedient to the command of their earthly master, the most learned of the +Buccaneer's divines assembled together in solemn conclave, and having +opened the proceedings with prayer, they fell to arguing upon the grave +questions before them. The Scriptures were searched, and very much +learning and piety were displayed, and very much heat, with a little +temper, was introduced; but there seemed to be little probability of +their coming to a satisfactory conclusion. Some said the word must be +adhered to, others said that the word killed, and that it was the spirit +that must be taken into consideration.</p> + +<p>After very much argument, which at times cleft asunder the matter in +dispute, thereby forming schism and even sects, a satisfactory +conclusion was arrived at, and the foundation was laid of an edifice, +which in time was to grow into most beautiful proportions. The +foundation rested upon the Book, and the corner stones were those which +Christ had laid in Galilee. The superstructure was built to a large +extent by human hands, and of earthly material. Still it was a noble +edifice, and thus the Buccaneer had manufactured for him a good everyday +religion, somewhat worldly perhaps, but eminently suited to his mode of +life.</p> + +<p>There were slight incongruities, but it mattered little to the subject +of our history, and we may presume that he did not see them; or if he +did he did not notice them, which answers the same purpose. Such things +are at all times more apparent to other people than to those especially +interested. Besides, any little shortcomings on the part of the +Buccaneer were amply made amends for by his solicitude for the religious +welfare of others, whose eternal happiness seemed indeed to be more to +him than his own. Wherever he went he took with him his Bible, and as he +had not been able to swallow it wholesale himself, he soothed his +conscience by thrusting it down the throats of other people. If they +would not take it quietly, then he would help them over their difficulty +with the point of his sword. It was a principle of his that if people +would not go to Heaven, that they must be made to go there, and +accordingly he sent a good many to the other world very much against +their will, and very much before their time.</p> + +<p>This bold Buccaneer was perhaps originally intended for a Mahommedan, +but being spoilt in the making he became an indifferent Christian. Tell +him this, and it would be wise to clear out at once, and make tracks for +the remotest part of the world.</p> + +<p>As a matter of course he must follow the example of all other Christian +people, and enroll himself under the protection of some saint. Now, +whether it was by chance, or whether he was possessed with a grim kind +of humour, it would be impossible to say. Indeed, he may have had a +genuine admiration for the man. The fact remains that he chose as his +patron George of Capadocia, who seems to have done a very good business +in the way of bacon. It is at all times a difficult matter to form a +true estimate of a character far back in history; but it is probable +that the whole saintly calendar does not contain a more disreputable +blackguard than this self-same George; but he is now a saint "de mortuis +etc.;" the bold Buccaneer having now had a good serviceable religion +manufactured for him, and having also been fitted out with a good +elastic and easily worked conscience, he was himself again. Away the +merry rover went, cracking a head here and a crib there, and returning +home with whatever happened to fall in his way.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IV" id="CHAPTER_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV.</h2> + + +<p>All the Buccaneer's neighbours had adopted some characteristic emblem or +device with an appropriate motto. No people, of any degree of +self-respect, can get on without such things. The device generally takes +the form of some beast or bird of prey—eagles and vultures being +greatly favoured. The bold Buccaneer with a characteristic modesty +adopted the lion as his emblem, and as his motto "God and my Right." It +is wonderful how he made both ends of his motto meet to his own great +advantage. These two principles seldom seemed to clash, and if they did, +he generally overcame the difficulty in a most satisfactory manner. This +perhaps was the effect of his having a good conscience.</p> + +<p>Now the lion is a noble-looking animal. His appearance is ferocious, +while his roar is terrifying in the extreme. Those who have watched, and +studied his habits, say that in spite of all this, he is about as mean a +beast as ever stole a meal or entered upon an unequal fight, being ever +ready to rob and plunder the weaker inhabitants of the jungle. Of +course, the animal had his good points; all animals have, and, no doubt, +it was these that attracted the Buccaneer's attention. How delighted he +was when his lion's roar frightened any one of his neighbours! What +pleasure too it gave him when he put out his large paw and snatched a +handful of feathers out of any of their birds! But then what a terrible +screeching there was, and very often a fight.</p> + +<p>Not to be behind his neighbour in anything, he created high sounding +titles, and honourable distinctions, to reward those of his sons who did +well in the buccaneering trade. Then to support the weight of their +newly acquired dignity, he either allowed them to levy blackmail on whom +they could, or he sent round the hat amongst his own people. This hat +was with him a cherished institution, and was used on all kinds of +occasions. It was hung up in all his churches, but taken down and sent +round after every service. Of such importance was it that it must be +deemed to be worthy at all times of a capital to begin with. For length +of titles he could not approach many of his neighbours, who frequently +found consolation for empty pockets, ruined castles, and extreme poverty +in a long string of names.</p> + +<p>The bold Buccaneer grew in strength, in riches, and in righteousness +also. His family increased and multiplied as all good people's families +should; but still he fought, and for the most part conquered. This +proved to his own satisfaction that God was generally on his side. When +the enemy was handed over to him he despoiled him, thus following the +example set him by most other peoples and nations, in olden times and in +new. It is a good thing to pluck a beaten adversary well, lest he flies +again too soon, and sticks either his beak, or his claws into you. Do +not believe him if he says he will not do it. To his beaten foe the +Buccaneer was kind, for he gave to him spiritual consolation; giving his +Bible and selling him his strong and intoxicating drinks. He fully +believed that those who did not live up to the teaching of his book +would be eternally damned, though he did not at all times show a +disposition to live up to it himself, it being very much too +inconvenient to do so. There was occasionally such a difference between +his preaching, and his practice, that his neighbours wondered whether he +was a knave or a hypocrite, or a good honest gentleman who saw no +incongruity in his line of action.</p> + +<p>Sometimes in his encounters with his enemies he came off second best, as +the saying is. Then there was nothing he was so sure of as that the +devil was fighting against him. It was his custom then to look about for +a scapegoat, and if he found one he sacrificed him to appease the Divine +anger. Then having bound up his broken head and dressed his wounds, he +took down his book, read a chapter or two, said his prayers, and then +waited until the Lord handed his enemy over to him. Then he quickly +wiped off old scores, adding or taking something, by way of interest. +Thus he became very much respected by all who knew him. As he +prospered, so did his church, for he was very generous as most sailors +are. Whatever the edifice was within, it was beautiful without, and had +a complete organisation. The High Priest, not Caiaphas, stood at the +head of all things, and he was the keeper of the Buccaneer's conscience. +It was the duty of the High Priest to keep all his subordinates in +order. This was a task which at times he could not perform, for the +members of the ecclesiastical body showed themselves to be true chips of +the Buccaneer block, and though essentially men of peace, they proved +themselves at times to be equally men of war. His priests being the +keepers of his conscience, frequently took upon themselves to lecture +him; not hesitating even to tell him of his transgressions. Having +brought the ardent old sinner upon his knees, and prescribed for him +prayers, mortifications, and fastings; having also bled him, they +cleaned and repaired his conscience and sent him on his way again. Thus +did the priesthood grow in power and in self-respect.</p> + +<p>Comparisons, it is said, are odious; but they are necessary at times, +and if we compare our friend with any one of his neighbours, we find him +not a bit worse; he himself thinking, indeed, that he was infinitely +better. To exterminate the heathen, or to bring them over from their +evil ways, and to burn all heretics was at one time the pious object of +his life. The weak, too, had to be protected, and those who cannot take +care of themselves ought, at all times, to be extremely obliged to those +who will do it for them, and of course they must expect to pay. Then the +evil doer had to be punished and fined, and the pride of the arrogant +and haughty had to be humbled, and surplus populations had to be worked +off, and anybody undertaking these very disagreeable, though necessary +duties, is deserving of the thanks of those who have neither the taste, +nor the leisure for the occupation. There is nothing strange in all +this. Did not Moses sit upon the hilltop with Aaron on one side and Hur +on the other, and while these two held up his hands did he not look with +satisfaction upon Joshua discomfiting the Amalekites? and very well +Joshua seems to have done his work.</p> + +<p>Who then will blame the Buccaneer? As in Joshua's day, so now such +things are necessary. And if the Buccaneer did burn a heretic or two, +what then? He was strictly impartial. To-day it was what was called a +Holy Roman that he fried, to-morrow he varied the bill of fare by +roasting a Protestant. That was in his early days.</p> + +<p>Our Buccaneer was essentially a fighting man, and though the Book he +swore by preached peace on earth and good will towards men, his habit +was to mix himself up—in early times at least—in every pot-house brawl +that he could, and a cracked head was to him an honourable distinction. +He as often as not took the wrong side, and he was frequently found +fighting in very queer company; but to his honour it must be said that +the weakness of a neighbour, who was put upon, was more to him than any +abstract principle of right or wrong, and though he was not above +pitching into a fellow smaller than himself, he would not allow anyone +else to indulge in the luxury if he could help it.</p> + +<p>The ill-natured—those who are for ever ready to find out spots and +blemishes in other people, to the utter neglect of their own, said all +kinds of things. Called him a hard fighting, hard drinking, and hard +swearing Christian. He did swear; it was a bad habit, no doubt; but then +his climate was enough to make any man swear, and drink into the +bargain. He had his failings, and he did not mind being told of them, +and he would sit patiently in church, whilst his priests thundered at +him from their many pulpits. He took it all in; said his prayers +devoutly, and when the inevitable Hat came round, he gave liberally. +Perhaps he experienced some slight regret on such occasions that some of +his wicked neighbours were not present to partake of the spiritual food +that was thus given freely. He felt sure it would have hit some of them +very hard. It might perhaps have made them mend their ways, though, as +it did not seem to have a permanent effect upon the Buccaneer himself, +there may be a doubt upon the subject. It is said that eels get +accustomed to skinning.</p> + +<p>In passing it may be mentioned that his women—at least in early +times—were honest, virtuous, brave and true, and in every way fitting +mothers for a race of warriors. It may be presumed that they had their +faults. Indeed, some of his laws and customs would lead us to believe +that such was the case. For instance, it was laid down as a rule that no +husband should beat his wife with a stick of greater diameter than one +inch. There was very great humanity here. Scolds he sometimes ducked. If +that did not stop the rancour of their tongues he tried the effect of an +instrument called the "branks." This fitted over the head something like +a dog-muzzle, and was fastened behind with a padlock, while an iron +plate rested upon the tongue, and kept it quiet. This was found to be +effective.</p> + +<p>Judging from our present high state of civilization when women are +allowed full liberty of speech, these early habits and customs of the +Buccaneer will not bear looking into. Occasionally in later times some +one of his sons, not conspicuous for chivalry, knocked down his wife, or +his mother-in-law, and then jumped upon her; but as a general rule his +manners were very much softened, and his women were treated with very +great indulgence. Perhaps those who suffered were deserving people. If, +in his ruder age, the women did not love their lords and masters, they +at least respected them, and this feeling in the long-run brings the +most happiness. In his latter days a deep suit of mourning, with much +crape, and a becoming widow's cap, often covered a joyous heart, and a +fresh campaign was commenced. But what is love? You have it; you have it +not. It is sometimes near, then again it is obscured by distance. It +wanders about like a sweet and gentle spirit above the earth; soaring +sometimes with outstretched wings to heaven. It seems brightest when +afar. Touch it, and it will shrink and fade like the delicate petals of +a flower. It often haunts a grave-yard and makes a home amongst the +tombs. You fly from it, and it follows; you turn and chase it and it +flies. What is love? It is a veritable Will o' the Wisp.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_V" id="CHAPTER_V"></a>CHAPTER V.</h2> + + +<p>Honour to whom honour is due. In speaking of the Buccaneer and in +briefly sketching his early life, it would not be right to pass by, +without some slight comment, a people who occupied an island situated +not many miles from his shores. They were called the Ojabberaways. They +came of a spirited and highly sensitive race. They were imaginative in +the extreme, quick of temper, and very prone to insult. The smallest +slight they would look upon as a grave injury. They were also a +quick-witted, clever, and merry people, and fighting was the joy of +their life. They were not total abstainers.</p> + +<p>Somehow the Ojabberaways and the Buccaneer, though near neighbours, did +not get on very well together. This often happens, more especially +amongst relations, but the Ojabberaways would not admit that they were +of the same blood as the Buccaneer. They maintained that they came from +a far nobler stock. In fact, it would appear from what the people +themselves said, though history is silent upon the subject, that the +island was at one time inhabited by one or two kings, who left a progeny +sufficient to people the whole place, and that consequently, every +Ojabberaway had royal blood in his veins. No wonder then that they were +high-spirited and proud. Now they looked upon the bold Buccaneer as a +tyrant, whose chief aim in life was to tread under foot, and otherwise +insult them. Nothing would induce them to believe the contrary. They +sucked it in at their mother's breasts. The origin of their name is +wrapped in mystery, but it is probable that it had, in some way, a +connection with the chief produce of their country.</p> + +<p>The Ojabberaways were not a united people. Though for the most part they +were inimical to the rule of the Buccaneer, and groaned under what they +considered the chain cast upon them by an alien and an oppressor, there +were many who were comfortable and even happy and contented under his +rule. Between these two sections of the Ojabberaways there was no love +lost. The wild Ojabberaways as they were sometimes called—of course +behind their backs—looked with peculiar hatred upon what were called +the loyal Ojabberaways. Speaking of the people generally it may be said, +that when you came across one who was a thorough gentleman, no finer +specimen of the class could be found in the world; but nature is not at +all times prodigal. There are some flowers that only bloom once in a +hundred years.</p> + +<p>For the ordinary occupation of life the people had little or no taste, +and in his own country, if you found one Ojabberaway working, you would +always find two at least indulging in the luxury of looking on. And at +all times an Ojabberaway would give over any labour in which he might be +occupied, to follow a fellow-countryman to his grave, to whom in life he +would not have lent a single sixpence. This respect for the dead is +touching; but the Ojabberaways were a sentimental nation.</p> + +<p>They were also a peculiarly constituted people, generous to a fault as +long as they had anything to give; but they, for the most part, lived +beyond their means, for a man with a thousand a year would generally +spend two, and this in time brought them into the usurer's hands and +into difficulties. Then some one had to suffer, and it was generally the +tenant of the land and the peasant. The usurer at all times drives a +hard bargain, and what bowels he has are not those of compassion. What +is in his bond he takes care to have. This gave an opening to the +agitator, and he took advantage of the state of things to stir up +strife.</p> + +<p>Then the Ojabberaways had peculiarly formed eyes. To the outward +appearance just like other peoples; but inwardly quite differently +constructed. An object that would appear to an ordinary individual in +one light would impinge upon the retina of an Ojabberaway's eye in such +a manner as to distort some things and magnify others; but most of all a +grievance. On the other hand an obligation would appear as small as if +it were looked at through the wrong end of a telescope. They were +extremely romantic and were given occasionally to romancing. In fact, it +has been said by those who like to summarise and put a whole history +almost into a nutshell, that the lower orders of the Ojabberaways were +liars by nature and beggars by trade. Allowing for that exaggeration +which is common to all such sayings there is still a residuum of truth +left. Though brave at all times when out of their own country, in it +their courage generally took refuge behind a bank or a stone wall. Their +food was simple and their favourite drink was strong; so much so, that +when taken in too great quantities, it made them perfectly irresponsible +beings and extremely dangerous and disagreeable neighbours. Their women +were the most virtuous in the world and amongst the most lively, and the +men, though in their revenge they would have recourse to the assassin's +dagger, would never assail the chastity of a woman, who might walk from +one end of their island to the other without the slightest fear of +molestation.</p> + +<p>The lower orders of this devil-me-care people were joyful in their rags. +They preferred dirt to cleanliness, and as has been already said, truth +with them was not a highly prized virtue, though if they did lie, they +did it more to please than deceive. The Ojabberaways had taken up +patriotism, and made it into a regular trade, and they had cultivated it +until it had become a most lucrative employment. But with all their +faults, and Heaven only knows they had many, one could not help liking +them. They had worked for the Buccaneer; they had fought for him, and +had helped him in many of his predatory excursions, and they were +inclined, at the time of which we are speaking, like many another +people, to do a little robbing on their own account; but it must be +owned that they were a regular thorn in the Buccaneer's side, and the +thorn was working deeper, and deeper, into his flesh every day he lived. +It must also be owned that in time past he had not treated them +over-well, and retribution was galloping after him in hot haste.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VI" id="CHAPTER_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI.</h2> + + +<p>What am I? I am a whitened sepulchre; a cloak which covers a multitude +of sins. Who am I? I am a masquerader, a thorough hypocrite and a +Pharisee, for I am a worshipper of forms and ceremonies. I move in the +very best society. I am a stickler for social laws and etiquette, and I +love a lord. I am the guardian of public morals, and in all my dealings +I exercise a strict propriety, and I punish severely, not so much the +crime, as its detection. At church I am regularly to be seen; but I +worship more in public than in private, my devotion being more to +attract the attention of my fellow beings than for the sake of God. If I +pray, it is openly. If I give, it is before the eyes of all men. It is +not so much to me what I am as what I appear to be. On my way home from +church I put on a demure, and downcast look, and enjoy in secret my +worldly thoughts. I contemplate with inward pleasure, though I outwardly +condemn, the shortcomings and failings of my neighbours. I put a check +on honest, robust mirth, for its loud, and consequently vulgar laugh +offends me. I keep aloof from all questionable society. A poor relation +I never see, should he present himself at my door, I promptly have him +kicked into the gutter. I dread the touch of an impure hand; but when in +the society of the great I sometimes condescend to visit the slums of +the poor, though the atmosphere is not congenial to me. An erring sister +I pass by as the priest and Levite did the man who fell amongst thieves. +I am a social tyrant, more feared perhaps than loved, though few are so +independent as not to pay me homage. To the indiscretions of the great I +am a little blind, for the vices of the vulgar crowd I show no pity. The +nakedness of the fashionable world does not distress me; but immodesty +amongst the common herd I visit with my severest displeasure. I keep my +eye on all my neighbours; should any of them trip, unless they are saved +by their position I let slip my dogs and hound the miscreants outside my +social pale. I ride rough shod over society, and no one dares to turn +upon me. Who am I? I am society's uncrowned queen, Respectability.</p> + +<p>It would be difficult to say at what precise period this uncrowned queen +took up her abode under the roof of the bold Buccaneer; but she did, and +winked at his goings on; because she looked upon him not as a robber, +but as a brave sea-king, who went in quest of venture, and was far +removed from the common and vulgar thief. There are other reasons which +perhaps induced her to take him under her protection. The Buccaneering +business was beginning to fall off, probably because other people had +taken to it more thoroughly, and it is well known that competition +interferes considerably with the very best of trades and professions. It +is possible also that our friend having made a large fortune, was +beginning to see the truth of the maxim, that honesty is the best +policy. Property does undoubtedly alter ideas; take the most rabid +socialist, who is for ever preaching a community of interests and endow +him with a fortune, and the burden of his song is speedily changed and +in a most wonderful manner. Before it was, "<i>I take</i>," but now it is, +"<i>I hold</i>."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer's wealth had steadily increased, and so had his towns and +cities. The hum from a busy multitude rose up like the murmur of the +distant ocean as it dashed against the rock-bound coast. On his rivers +and bays he had built dockyards, and his shipwrights' hammers could be +heard sounding over the waters far and wide. His ships became celebrated +for their build and rig, and his sailors were considered not only the +bravest, but the most skilled in all the world.</p> + +<p>He was a man of great resource and enterprise, was our Buccaneer, and +when he found the one business falling off he at once turned his hand to +another. If no one wanted either beating or robbing, they wanted their +merchandise carried, so he became a carrier to the universe at large, +and combined with it the business of trader. One thing begets another, +and he soon found out other industries. Tall, tapering chimnies pointed +like great black fingers far into the sky and vomited out thick volumes +of black smoke. Then he built mills, and put up machinery, and the +rattle of thousands of wheels could be heard all over the land, and the +uncrowned queen moved about amongst his people and leavened them. But +even in his peaceful pursuits the natural bent of his genius discovered +itself, for he would frequently, for the want of a more worthy object, +steal an idea from a neighbour and then set himself to work to improve +upon it, and he generally turned it to good account. The Buccaneer's +mind was not inventive, but it was eminently adaptive, and this is very +much better, because it generally manages to suck the marrow out of the +bones of genius.</p> + +<p>Having been the greatest Buccaneer that ever ploughed the briny ocean, +he now became a mighty trader—a fighting one perhaps;—fetched and +carried for the whole world, and became in fact a universal provider. He +often built and fitted out a ship for some neighbour who turned her guns +against him; but he did not mind so long as he got his price, and he not +unfrequently got the ship back into the bargain in fair and open fight. +So things went merrily on.</p> + +<p>As is well known success breeds envy and jealousy, and the Buccaneer's +neighbours soon began to eye his superior good fortune with hatred and +much uncharitableness. They said all kinds of hard things, as people +will. Said his gains were ill gotten. But who will ever believe that +vast wealth has been honestly acquired? Somebody must have been robbed +say they. But if it is only a fool what matter? He and his money must +sooner or later part company. At least, so it is said by those people +who know everything.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer, of course, put his prosperity down to a different cause. +He was a God-fearing and good man. Went to his church regularly; gave of +what he had to the poor; and sheltered himself under the cloaks of +Respectability and Religion. It is true he could not altogether divest +himself of his buccaneering tendencies, and on one occasion he even +robbed a church, which is considered about the last thing a man ought to +do; but then if he did rob Peter he made ample amends by paying Paul +very handsomely. That the Buccaneer was innately a most pious man there +can be little if any doubt; he had none himself. He loved to carry his +religion with him into his everyday life, and even into his business, +and in this perhaps we see the reason why he selected George of +Cappadocia as his patron saint. He loved to adulterate, as it were, all +his merchandise with it, and he succeeded in a marvellous manner. He was +very fond of texts taken from his Book, and these he would hang up in +all suitable and unsuitable places. He regulated his trading +transactions with his neighbours upon the principle laid down in the +parable of the talents, and he took for his especial guide the man who +turned his five pieces into ten; for he considered he must have been an +excellent man of business; a clever fellow in fact, and one well worthy +to be followed. No doubt the parable above alluded to has carried +comfort to the soul of many a Jew, Turk, and even infidel. Trade is at +all times, and in all places, and by all people, considered for some +reason or the other dirty work, and yet it is the founder of great +families, who, however, try as soon as possible, to blot out all +recollection of the source of their greatness. Trade, too, is the +founder and supporter of great nations. Why then is there such a +prejudice against it? Is it not honest? Is its first principle, namely, +to try and get the better of your neighbour in a bargain, condemned by a +virtuous world? Scarcely, for to do your neighbour, to prevent the +possibility of being done by him, seems to be implanted firmly in the +human breast. It is a principle, in fact, which is well adhered to, and +it helps considerably that law of nature which demands the survival of +the fittest. Perhaps it was as a precautionary measure that the +Buccaneer besprinkled himself, as it were, with holy water, before +entering upon his everyday life.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VII" id="CHAPTER_VII"></a>CHAPTER VII.</h2> + + +<p>It is said by the wiseacres of the world that you should always set a +thief to catch a thief. Whether it was from a belief in this principle +of nature, or whether it was from an innate liking for the business it +would be difficult to say; but it is a fact that the Buccaneer made +himself for some considerable time a policeman, to keep order amongst +his neighbours, and prevent the strong from robbing and setting upon the +weak. Oh! the trouble the man had! Big fellows pitching into little +ones, to get either their marbles or apples! Then he not only had to +keep his neighbours from robbing each other, but he had to keep them off +his own property; for had they dared they would have stripped him as +naked as the desert is of vegetation. The rascals!</p> + +<p>During the time that the Buccaneer was thus doing policeman's duty he +was generally pretty well employed, for there was always a row on +somewhere; either some hen-roost being robbed, or some pot-house brawl +to be quelled, so that all things considered he was not doing a good +business. Indeed, he was getting for his trouble little more than hard +blows, more kicks than half-pence, in fact.</p> + +<p>After a while he determined to give the policeman's duty up; finding no +doubt that it did not pay; and he was very much too sensible to conduct +business upon such terms for any length of time. So he allowed people to +mind their own business as far as they could, while he paid more +attention to his own. Of course this state of things was not brought +about all at once, for the force of custom is great, and for the life of +him, the Buccaneer could not refrain from having an occasional finger in +the pie.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer now doffed his pirate's dress, which, though picturesque, +was not altogether respectable. People will have prejudices, and if +they see a man constantly going about with a brace of pistols in his +belt, and a cutlass by his side, they will think that that man is up to +no good; so he hung these weapons up, quite handy, for there was no +knowing when he might want them to keep off robbers either by sea or +land.</p> + +<p>But, gentle reader, do not for a moment imagine that the old man was +dead—not a bit of of it. Beneath the peaceful dress he now assumed +there still beat the old heart. You may cover the lion with the skin of +an ass but you cannot change the nature of the beast. Our friend was as +ready as ever to tread upon his neighbours' toes, and to fight with +anybody who trod upon his. Then the peaceful stillness of his shores +would be broken by the clack, clack of his many windlasses, and the "yo +heave-ho" of his merry men. Up would go his sails, out would go his +guns, poking their black, angry-looking snouts through the port-holes, +as if they sniffed the enemy in the offing. Away went the Buccaneer for +the main. His priests prayed; his merry seamen swore, and his women and +children cried, as it was their duty to do, upon all such important and +interesting occasions.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VIII" id="CHAPTER_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII.</h2> + + +<p>It was the boast of our Buccaneer that he never turned his back upon +either friend or enemy, but in this perhaps he romanced a little, as the +very best and bravest of men will. The accusation was certainly brought +against him in after years. In dwelling upon our own actions a little +latitude is always allowed, and the disposition to boast a little must +be considered to be a pardonable weakness. Indeed, why should we detract +from ourselves when there are so many kind friends and bitter enemies +ever ready to render us the service and all for nothing?</p> + +<p>He did love to dwell upon his past actions, many of which were glorious, +and over his pipe and his glass he would spin many a yarn, and he would +declare that there was no nobler sight than a good sea-fight, no finer +music than the clash of arms, no finer scent than that which came from +the muzzle of a freshly discharged gun. All this is, of course, merely a +matter of opinion.</p> + +<p>If his sons were successful, he rewarded them well, if otherwise they +frequently had to play the part of the scapegoat, and were driven out +into the wilderness of neglect. He worshipped success and there is +nothing like it. It changes the aspect of the blackest deed, and under +its mellowing influence rank rebellion, it is well known, comes out +oftentimes, if not always, in the pure and beautiful light of +patriotism.</p> + +<p>It has been mentioned that our bold Buccaneer had engendered a certain +amount of jealousy amongst his neighbours, who were for ever calling him +hard names, and always retained the privilege of adding to the number. +Such things do not break bones or otherwise injure people, more +especially if nature has endowed them with good, thick, serviceable +skins, and in this respect she had been considerate to the subject of +our history. A good thick skin is, in this world, a tower of strength, +from the top of which the fortunate ones can defy ill-nature. At times, +however, a shaft did pierce through some soft and indifferently guarded +spot in the Buccaneer's armour. He had fought many a good fight both by +sea and land, and against long odds, and he could not bear to think, +that there should be a suspicion even, that he was a bully ever ready to +pitch into one smaller than himself.</p> + +<p>There is something very offensive about the above term. Schoolboys are +for ever requesting their fellows to pitch into boys their own size and +calling them bullies if they will not. But has not the bully been +somewhat put upon, misunderstood, and subjected to unjust obloquy? To +attack one your own size is a mistake and worthy only of the immortal +Don. As a rule for everyday life it would never do, and might be fraught +with injustice. All virtue does not lie on the side of the small boy, +who frequently by his self-sufficiency and conceit deserves a thrashing. +Oftentimes he presumes upon his smallness and makes himself as +disagreeable as a drowsy fly in cold weather. If a small boy be put upon +by one bigger than himself, he can in turn set upon his inferior, and +thus the chain of responsibility can be carried on "ad infinitum," and +in the end justice will be done to all.</p> + +<p>We are all children of nature and she has established bullying as a +principle which is, by the aid of the microscope, to be detected from +the mite to the man. The small of each species which she wishes to +preserve, she guards and surrounds with especial attributes. The skunk +is not a large animal, and yet enemies and friends alike approach him +with extreme respect. Was there ever a nation yet, that was kept from +thrashing and robbing another on account of its size?</p> + +<p>Does the bully never walk about in public offices, or in private +dwelling-houses? Is he never to be found on the domestic hearth? Ask the +humble swain of yonder fair-haired, blue-eyed, and angel-faced damsel, +if he knows what it is to be bullied? Ask the husband of many years +standing if he has ever experienced the feeling? All things have their +allotted functions to perform in this most complex world of ours, and no +doubt the bully is as necessary as many of those minute insects whose +presence is only known by the energy of their actions. So much for the +bully.</p> + +<p>His neighbours also said he was a money-grubber; a mere tradesman, but +withal a proud and even prosperous man. That he could fight well had +been proved on many a battle-field. What then, if now, he made a goodly +income by means of trade? All love this money, yet so many pretend to +despise the means by which it is obtained. To march your thousand into +your neighbour's country; to lay waste his lands, to filch from him his +money, and to ravish, perhaps, his daughters, has ever been considered +more noble and honourable, than to sit quietly at home and allow the +gold to trickle into your coffers through the peaceful channels of +trade.</p> + +<p>We have touched upon this subject with the tip only of our pen before, +for we fear pollution. The trader is looked upon askance. The uncrowned +queen of society turns up her dainty nose at him. The poor man knows it, +and as soon as he can hides all trace of his calling. Frequently enrols +himself in some civic guard and calls himself a colonel, and tries to +hide under his military plumes all signs of the desk and high stool. +Then as to our Buccaneer's pride. Such a thing is, no doubt, to be +condemned, but its next-of-kin, namely, self-respect, is very much to be +esteemed. The Buccaneer maintained that his pride amounted to this and +nothing more, and he gloried in it; took it with him everywhere, more +especially to his church. When he prayed he might humble himself before +his God, but as regards his fellow-man he must hold his head up and +claim that consideration which he considered his due. If you wished to +see pride fully displayed, there could be no better place than the +debatable ground of a church pew in the Buccaneer's island.</p> + +<p>When his sons visited his neighbours or any parts called foreign, they +were perhaps a little haughty and had a good-natured contempt for the +people they found themselves amongst. But that they did not hail from +their own fair land was, however, more their misfortune than their +fault. Perhaps it is the vulgar ostentation that sometimes accompanies +the acquirement of great wealth that renders it so offensive to the less +fortunate.</p> + +<p>Pride, no doubt, is not a Christian virtue, yet have I found no +Christian entirely without it. The Buccaneer's High Priest and other +great church dignitaries, were they humble? Yes, humble enough if you +paid them the respect they thought their due; if you approached the +ecclesiastical breeches and gaiters with modest diffidence. Did not +contradict them—not the breeches and gaiters, but the divine beings +inside them—or doubt the superiority of their learning, wisdom, and +virtue, or presume to make use of that intellect which God has given +you. Humble enough then; but your ordinary, and sometimes your +extraordinary priests cannot brook opposition. Admit also that our +Buccaneer was great, good, rich, generous, brave, and a few other things +barely worth the mentioning, and he was humble enough, heaven knows. +What he was almost entirely without, was that offensive pride which apes +humility.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IX" id="CHAPTER_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX.</h2> + + +<p>In our preliminary remarks it is necessary to mention two individuals +who played a conspicuous part in the Buccaneer's realms.</p> + +<p>We have already mentioned one honest sailor, the old coxs'n, Jack +Commonsense by name; but there were two women, not to say a third, who +also had a permanent abode in his island. The one was called Patriotism, +the other Liberty. The first of these was allowed to live for the most +part in neglect, and though at times she was made much of, her position +was little better than that of a beggar woman, to-day she would sit at +the table of the great, and be taken into their councils, to-morrow she +would be thrust aside, and occasionally thrown into prison. She was made +a shuttle-cock for the battledoor of Madam Party, who was the other +celebrity above alluded to, and who pretty well ruled the roast in the +Buccaneer's island. Everything had to give way to her, whilst except on +extraordinary occasions the beggar woman, Patriotism, was thought but +little of. Everybody swore they loved her; but men were deceivers ever, +if not liars.</p> + +<p>With Liberty it was quite a different tale, she could do pretty well +what she liked, and had over our Buccaneer for good and for evil a +wonderful influence. At her instigation he allowed the island to be made +an asylum for rascals of every kind, who having been kicked out of their +own homes, came over and plotted, and sowed broadcast among his people +the most pernicious seeds, which bore their fruit in due time. Indeed, +Madam Liberty played the part of a veritable wanton, and flirted with +blackguards of the deepest dye. The consequence of this was, that one +fine day, she gave birth to a boy, named Demos, the father being King +Mob. This boy grew to be a most unruly fellow, and caused much trouble +wherever he went.</p> + +<p>It is said that neither man nor beast can stand prosperity for any +length of time, the horse becomes restive, and occasionally kicks his +stall to pieces, or otherwise misbehaves himself. Even the ass; the +gentle and long-suffering ass, if too well fed, disturbs the whole +country round, braying out in his husky tones of repletion his +discontent at the very best of corn, when at one time he would have been +glad enough to fill his stomach with thistles. So it was with Madam +Liberty. It was through her that the Buccaneer first opened his doors to +a host of cheap-Jacks, and to merchants and pedlars from all parts of +the world, until in the streets of his principal sea-port towns and +chief city, could be seen a strange mixture of costumes and features. +Swarthy Orientals with their finely cut profiles, and proud bearing. +Broad-faced, oval-eyed Mongols, who always look half asleep, but are +generally found to be very wide awake. Flat-nosed, thick-lipped, +woolly-headed negroes, and as a matter of course, the ubiquitous Jew was +well represented. The Jew is found everywhere, but stay, exception must +be made to the northern-most part of the Buccaneer's island. A Jew could +not live there, not on account of the severity of the climate, though +that was bad enough; but on account of the habits of the people. It is +said by some that the object of the Jew is to skin the Christian and the +Gentile, with the view of buying back Jerusalem, or, perhaps, the whole +of the Holy Land. Many wish that this laudable desire may be +accomplished, and that quickly. With all these different nationalities +it was a wonder that the Buccaneer retained his individuality, or even +kept his language from corruption, but he did, though a broken patter +often saluted the ears, while the signs of many different races were +stamped upon the faces of the people. There is a belief in the world +that mongrels and cross-breeds will not fight. This is a mistake. Our +Buccaneer was made up of ever so many nationalities, and yet he had +fought in his day well enough. Showing, indeed, an absolute love for the +fray. May not the very best blood, of the bluest kind, which flows +through the veins of some haughty descendant, have taken its rise in +some sturdy cur of low degree, who snapped and snarled himself to the +front?</p> + +<p>It would be as well to mention that our bold Buccaneer had had a quarrel +in early times with one of his sons, who had emigrated and established +himself, after the fashion peculiar to his father, on a large and +fertile tract of land in the far west. This son, who was called +Jonathan, was a tall, lanky, raw boned fellow, with a good head upon his +shoulders and a strong will of his own. Modest diffidence had never been +a stumbling block in his way. As to whose fault the quarrel was, well, +some said it was entirely the old man's, but it is probable there was +much to be said on both sides, and that Jonathan was not altogether +blameless. At any rate blows were struck, and Jonathan handled his +father somewhat roughly, and so there was an estrangement, and a +separation, and Jonathan set up business for himself upon the old man's +lines; except perhaps he was not quite so religious, and a great deal +sharper.</p> + +<p>Jonathan did wonderfully well. He had a keen eye for the main chance, +and at driving a bargain, or getting the better of a friend, he could +not be beaten. In this, to make use of an expression of his own, he +pretty well licked creation. In his early days, he was not altogether +scrupulous; but what he called sharp practice, other people might put +down as something approaching more closely to dishonesty. The proof of +the pudding is in the eating. Jonathan prospered, and cheating, it is +well known, never does, so he must have been an honest fellow. He loved +to do his old father; to get the better of him in a bargain, to get his +money out of him either by fair means or foul. Talk to him of honour and +he would laugh in your face at your squeamishness. He had many of the +eminent qualities of his parent, had Jonathan. He generally managed to +keep what he laid his hands upon, and as the saying is, he was not +altogether the man to drink with in the dark. By trade he was a packman, +or a cheap Jack.</p> + +<p>Between Jonathan and the Ojabberaways there was a great friendship. The +former used to send over money to the latter to help them in their +campaign against the old gentleman. Then the Ojabberaways used to plot, +and make infernal machines in Jonathan's country, and come over to the +Buccaneer's island, where they frequently carried out their designs, and +occasionally used the knife into the bargain.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_X" id="CHAPTER_X"></a>CHAPTER X.</h2> + + +<p>The family of the Buccaneer in time increased to such an extent that it +began to overflow the narrow limits of his island home. His sons +therefore carried their zeal and energy and their manners and customs to +unknown countries. Under their hands forests disappeared, lands became +cultivated, and the aborigines changed their habits or cleared out. It +was no business of the young chips of this ancient block, that the soil +had already its owners, if not its tillers. If these people did not like +the new order of things, they had an alternative. Of course the young +chips would commit no act of flagrant injustice, for such would have +been against the teachings of their parent's Book, but it was generally +noticed that where they went they staid; and that they succeeded in the +long run in clearing the land of all rubbish, using for this purpose the +toes of their boots as well as their hands. Should the aborigines elect +to stay, they could; but then they were made clearly to understand that +they must live respectable lives. If they had anything to sell the +Buccaneers bought, putting upon the articles their own price, for it +could not be expected that the simple children of the soil could know +the value of things. They generally gave about half of what was asked, +and when the natives, to correct this, put on, to begin with, double the +price they intended to take, the Buccaneers were horrified at such +innate depravity, which could, as they thought, only come direct from +the devil himself. The antidote was their Book. This they immediately +presented to these vicious, ignorant, and immoral people, with many of +the pages turned down for reference.</p> + +<p>Wherever the Buccaneer's sons went they always took a cargo of their +intoxicating drinks. These they sold to the gentle savage who showed his +readiness to be civilized by getting as drunk as he could, as often as +he could, thereby manifesting again his shocking depravity. The +Buccaneer at home, when he heard of all this, turned up his eyes to +heaven in pious horror, and immediately sent out a cargo of missionaries +to counteract the evil effects of his cargoes of drink. These good +people wrestled with the devil; prayed for the savages and preached to +them, gave them more Bibles and explained it to them; told them to fear +God; to shun the devil and all his works; begged them to give up their +wicked ways and to lead new lives; to be honest and just in all their +dealings; not to be extortionists; not to seek after riches, for that +heaven was for the poor. Begged them to do unto others as they would be +done by. In the meantime the Buccaneer's sons gave a practical +illustration of this beautiful doctrine by selling strong drink and +other merchandise at double and treble their value.</p> + +<p>These missionaries were godly, self-sacrificing men, but their teachings +to the untutored mind must have sounded strange, supplemented as it was +by the actions of the Buccaneer's traders. Then again, they found that +rival sects, although they professed to follow the same great Master, +preached rival doctrines, and hated each other with a peculiar fervour. +At one time they painted God as the God of love, at another time they +implanted fear and horror in the heart by depicting Him as a revengeful +and malicious demon, full of the worst of human failings. They taught +these simple savages that life was a kind of tight rope, along which +they had to walk; holding in their hands the balancing pole of religion. +If they slipped, which likely as not they would, then there was God's +rival underneath ready with his net to catch them, and to throw them +into a fire that is never quenched.</p> + +<p>It could not be expected that the ignorant savage would understand, all +at once, the many nice distinctions of modern civilization. No doubt it +must have seemed strange to him that the Buccaneer, in the face of what +he preached, seldom went away empty-handed—taking indeed at times a +goodly patch of land, just by way of recompense; for it was generally +found, that, wherever his sons placed their feet, some of the soil +always stuck to the soles of them.</p> + +<p>Thus were the first seeds of civilization sown; but other and better +things were to follow. The nakedness of the savage had to be clothed, +and the long black coat and tall hat of respectability had to be +introduced. The result of all this was not far to find. It was a natural +consequence; for where the Buccaneer found simple human beings, +worshipping God after their own way, dark if you like, but at least +honest, he frequently left an accomplished lot of hypocrites, drunkards, +liars, thieves and rascals generally, who having cast off the few rags +of virtue which their own benighted religion had clothed them in, had +put on a garment made up of most of the vices of civilization, and only +stitched together with the thinnest threads of Christian virtues, which +threads were liable to snap at any time. Of course this was not the +fault of the Buccaneer's sons. It was entirely due to the wretched soil +they had to work upon; you cannot grow figs on thistles, nor can you +make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.</p> + +<p>What is civilization, do you ask? It is a veneer, sometimes thick and +sometimes thin, which is thrown over human nature by culture and what +not. From under this cloak the old Adam will from time to time peep out +and take a good look round. Did he not peep out to some purpose amongst +one of the Buccaneer's neighbours, and playing the part of Cain did he +not draw his knife, called the guillotine, across many a brother's +throat, kicking them unshriven into eternity? It is right to give every +one their due, and it must be owned that the Buccaneer's footsteps were +not always written in dust. He often found a people at war amongst +themselves, and tearing each other to pieces. These he brought under +subjection and gave them law and order, and if he could have kept his +sons from selling strong liquors to them, and teaching them some of the +pernicious principles of trade, he would have done very much good, but +with his Book he took his bottle, and the latter was more readily +received than the former.</p> + +<p>It sometimes so happened that the ignorance of the heathen was so great, +and their minds so clouded by prejudice, that they misunderstood +altogether the nature of the missionary. Experience had taught them that +the Buccaneer's Bible was generally the harbinger of the Buccaneer's +sword, which he cleared the way for the Buccaneer's man of business, +who, it was found, generally got the advantage in any bargain that was +made. What wonder then, if the simple children of nature, the gentle +savage, mistook food that was meant for the mind, as food meant for the +body, and consumed the missionary instead of his teachings? This is an +expensive way of converting a people, but it might be expected that a +devoured missionary would not be without its effect upon the consumer. +The disposition is naturally affected by the state of the body, the +latter by the food that is taken in to nourish it. A violent fit of +indigestion might bring on a deep remorse, and then the body would be in +a proper state to receive the good seed, which taking root in the heart +of one man even, might spring up and spread amongst a whole people. +There is consolation here for those who have lost a friend or relation +in the above manner.</p> + +<p>By the simple methods thus related the Buccaneer managed to get an +outlet for his surplus population, and he then increased his dominions, +until it was his boast that the sun never set upon them. There was not a +clime too inhospitable for him. He conquered not only the people but +every natural disadvantage. His sons too travelled into every land as +the bearers of the veneer called civilization. Their footprints could be +traced upon the desert sands of Arabia. The ring of their rifles was to +be heard in the remotest parts of India; on the wild prairies of +America, and on the untrodden plains of Africa. They loved to beard the +lion and the tiger in their native lairs; to shoot the alligator on the +banks of the Nile, and the wild goats high up on the slopes of the vast +snow-capped Himalayas. This to them was a pleasurable recreation, while +for pastime they loved to climb the highest ice-bound peaks, and the +mangled corpse of some adventurous comrade lying at the foot of some +precipice in no way damped their ardour. They recovered the body, sang a +pean in praise of his temerity, gently placed him in the tomb of +oblivion, where so many good people lie, and then commenced their +dangerous climb. They were a brave and adventurous lot were the sons of +this bold Buccaneer.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XI" id="CHAPTER_XI"></a>CHAPTER XI.</h2> + + +<p>Our Buccaneer from his earliest times had always kept his Sabbaths in a +manner peculiar to himself. He put on his best clothes and a long hat, +shut up all his shops but kept open his pot and public houses, and +allowed no other recreations than going to church and drinking. Six days +had his people to enjoy themselves and his tradesmen to adulterate their +different articles of merchandise, the seventh day he decreed should be +given up to worship and to pious meditations. All his museums were shut +up and all his picture galleries were closed, and his chief city would +have been like a city of the dead, if it had not been for the howling +mobs that occupied his parks, and other public places, and either +shouted sedition or spouted religion. Entire freedom of speech he +considered absolutely necessary to the entire freedom of the subject. +Many of his people who were not thus engaged passed their time in an +inoffensive manner in their favourite pot-house and boosed their holiday +away. This from a pecuniary point of view was very much more profitable +to the Buccaneer than the opening of any of his museums or libraries; +for from drink he derived a goodly income. It is sad, but it must be +owned that this rich man had his poor, and where there is poverty there +is discontent. The skirts of his garments did trail in the mud. The most +distressing thing about this Poverty is that she will bring forth and +increase, in an altogether unnecessary manner, thereby providing food +for the jail, the hangman, and in the end, the devil.</p> + +<p>Some sinned in this respect who ought by example to have taught a better +lesson. It was no uncommon thing in the Buccaneer's island for one of +his priests to ascend the pulpit, and preach from there the efficacy, +and even necessity, of practising self denial. He would then descend +from his throne and point a moral to adorn his tale, by marrying and +bringing into the world a number of children that he had no visible +means of supporting; your priest's quiver is generally full, and he +seems at times to have a beautiful faith in God's mercy. Thinking, +perhaps, that as He fed the Israelites in the days of old, so would He +feed him and his numerous progeny now, with manna fresh from heaven.</p> + +<p>It was said that our Buccaneer frequently forgot to look at home, and +raising his eyes over the heads of his own poor, fixed his sympathetic +gaze upon other people's. Perhaps he did experience a certain amount of +gratification at seeing his name at the head of subscription lists, when +any of his neighbours suffered from either fire, famine, or pestilence; +and to clothe the naked savage of the sunny south, where clothing, +except the smallest amount for decency's sake, is absolutely +unnecessary, seemed to be to him a more meritorous action than the +mending of the rags of his own poverty stricken people.</p> + +<p>Then as if he had not enough poor of his own, all his neighbours paid a +flattering tribute to his good nature and generosity, by emptying their +human sweepings into his dust bin; until in time his island became—and +he prided himself upon the fact—an asylum for all the cut-throats, +thieves, blackguards, assassins and idiots of the whole world. Madam +Liberty had a good deal to say to this. But our Buccaneer, or fighting +trader as he had become, was generous even to his own poor in a +spasmodic kind of way, and when in his church he heard the oft told +story of Dives and Lazarus, it made him sympathetic and opened the +bowels of his compassion, and could he have laid hands upon that rascal +Dives he would have been made to suffer. This Dives does not appear, +however, to have been a monster of iniquity. The only sin he apparently +committed, was to fare sumptuously every day, and clothe himself in fine +linen. Who amongst us will not do the same if he has but the chance? Do +modern Christians live the life of anchorites? Does Dives never sit at +the priest's table? Did the Buccaneer's priesthood, from the head down, +eschew fine linen, and even at times gorgeous raiments? Do they turn +their faces against the luxury of the table on which delicacies +temptingly repose. Suppose the Buccaneer on his way home from his +devotions had found Lazarus on his door-step, would he have taken him +in? not a bit of it. He would have sent him quickly about his business, +and if he did not hurry himself the officer of the law would have been +called in and Lazarus would have been marched away as a rogue and +vagabond. Would the Buccaneer's high priest or any other of his +ecclesiastics have taken Lazarus in and washed his sores; tended to him, +and fed him? Yes, yes, but times have changed and the story of Lazarus +does very well as an example to hold up before the people for pious +admiration, but Lazarus' case does not apply to our present high state +of civilization, with all its complex social machinery for the benefit +of the poor. The proper place for Lazarus now would be the sick ward of +a poor house.</p> + +<p>Having thus briefly sketched the early history of our Buccaneer or +fighting trader; his conversion, the manufacturing of his religion, and +the method he had of persuading the heathen to become Christians, it is +necessary to relate how he conducted his business. His old sea-faring +instincts stuck to him, and he moored on the river that flowed past his +principal city, a ship which he called the Ship of State, and by her +side he moored another, which he called his Church Ship, and these two +rode side by side and stemmed the current of time.</p> + +<p>It could not be said that either of these ships were rapid sailers. +Indeed, both of them were somewhat bluff in the bows, but they were +excellent sea boats, and the old Ship of State had weathered many a +storm, and had experienced in her day much foul weather. Her figure-head +was a crown. Her crew all told numbered some six hundred and seventy +hands, and was divided into two watches, Starboard and Port, each having +its captain, lieutenants, petty officers, able and very ordinary seamen, +cooks, bottle-washers, swabbers, and adventurers. Of the latter there +were a goodly few in each watch, and they had but one star to steer by; +but that one was of the very first magnitude. These adventurers were a +very busy body of men, and by keeping up a great noise, and pushing +themselves to the front, they tried very hard to feather their nests, or +drop into some well-paid but sinecure office. They were frequently +successful.</p> + +<p>In the after part of the Ship of State the Buccaneer had placed his +second or Upper Chamber, into which he sent all those of his sons who +had done well. Here they enjoyed in peace and extreme quiet their +well-earned repose. When thus shelved they were given titles, and were +frequently endowed out of the public purse. In early times some of the +members of the Upper Chamber had endowed themselves, but there were very +few of the old stock left. The principle that our Buccaneer had of +promoting his sons to the Upper Chamber was peculiar. It was not based +upon personal merit, nor at all times upon services rendered to the +State. Success in trade, or fidelity to a party, was generally +considered to be, by him, of the very first consideration.</p> + +<p>The power that this Upper Chamber once had was extremely great, but now +all this had changed, and the old ship was worked entirely, or nearly +so, by whichever watch happened to be on duty. Besides, as will be +shown, the Upper Chamber had the misfortune to fall under the +displeasure of one of the ship's crew.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer dearly loved a lord, no matter whether he was spiritual or +temporal, and the women, with few exceptions, adored them without +distinction. There is perhaps too much obloquy bestowed upon the toady +and tuft hunter. Why should they be so despised? To love and revere the +great is surely a commendable action. Are they not the salt of the +earth? Sometimes, indeed, the salt has a little lost its flavour, but +what then? Much that is good must still remain, to which homage is due. +It is the birthright of those who, by their superior intelligence, +wisdom, and virtue, have placed themselves high up on pedestals, for +common humanity to bow down and worship them.</p> + +<p>Who does not love a lord? This esteem for the great is universal. Even +the democratic cheap-Jack Jonathan dearly loved a lord; but as he had +none of his own he had to make the most he could out of other people's, +and he did. It was thought by many, that such a clever fellow as this +Jonathan would not be long without lords of his own; but that he would +manufacture a few out of the cheap shoddy that he always had on hand.</p> + +<p>The Upper Chamber ought to have been extremely wise, and their councils +even inspired, for their deliberations were sanctified and leavened by +the presence amongst them of a certain number of Lords Spiritual. This +gave a sort of Divine authority to the great affairs of State. The +priest's kingdom is not of this world; it is therefore all the more +wonderful how in every age, and in every clime, he becomes clothed, +hemmed in, and perhaps hampered by temporal power, which no doubt he +wears as a garment of sackcloth and ashes.</p> + +<p>The Church Hulk, which was moored on that side of the Ship of State away +from the shore, was commanded by the Buccaneer's High Priest, one +celebrated for his piety and learning. His crew was numerous and very +able, though at times a mutinous spirit showed itself on board when the +authority of the High Priest was openly defied; but then it must be +remembered that the church was a church militant, and the priests true +chips of the fighting old Buccaneer block. The power of the Buccaneer's +priesthood grew, and waxed in strength, and gained such an influence +over him that he was not allowed to do anything scarcely without their +sanction, and before he set out on any of his predatory expeditions he +always asked the blessing and the prayers of the church, and was very +seldom if ever refused. This practice is followed even now amongst +brigands, in certain parts. These picturesque cut-throats say their +prayers before their favourite shrine, and then sally out, slit a gullet +and steal a purse with a clear conscience, and take some of the spoil +back—if they be pious brigands—to their favourite shrine.</p> + +<p>In time the Buccaneer's State Church became so extremely rich that +envious eyes were cast in her direction. Those on board of the old +Church Hulk denied her wealth, and they should have known. Some of her +crew were poor enough, heaven knows, and the Great Hat was constantly +sent round. The priest, he is by nature a beggar. It is perhaps one of +the few relics we have of that time, when a pure religion was planted by +a small band of mendicants, who had neither shoes upon their feet, nor +money in their scrips.</p> + +<p>How beautiful is poverty at a distance. Songs have been sung in its +praise, but no one likes it. It pinches so, and in the Buccaneer's +island it was as the mark of Cain. There is something to be said on its +side though, for is it not written? "Happy are the poor, for theirs is +the kingdom of heaven." Twice happy are they, for not only is theirs the +kingdom of heaven, but they are free from the social parasite who never +leaves the rich man alone. One attacks him and begs, because he has a +large family born to genteel poverty. Another has a church to be roofed +or renovated, or some distressing object of charity which he would +willingly hang round the neck of the rich man instead of his own, until +the rich man being tormented by a thousand and one importunate beggars +of high and low degree, feels inclined to exclaim, "Oh! unhappy indeed +am I, for not only is it harder for me to enter the kingdom of heaven, +than it is for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, but also on +earth I am not unfrequently set upon, and despitefully used by the +common and vulgar thief, while the hand of the whole world is against +me."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XII" id="CHAPTER_XII"></a>CHAPTER XII.</h2> + + +<p>On the mainmast of the Ship of State, high up above the domes and +minarets of the Buccaneer's chief city, he had placed his crow's nest or +look-out tub, where the look-out man was stationed. This man had, as a +matter of course, the usual number of eyes; but one was an official eye, +the vision of which was peculiar; for it could see into far distant +lands if so inclined; but if not, there could be no eye more blind, not +being able to discover what was going on under the nose placed by nature +to its immediate front.</p> + +<p>Then the Buccaneer had wonderful inventions, by which he could +communicate with all his foreign relations and receive in turn what +information it was their pleasure to give.</p> + +<p>The way the Buccaneer filled up appointments on board of his Ship of +State was peculiar to himself. Adaptability, or knowledge of the +particular department, was of little or no consideration in his eyes. If +the hole to be filled was a round one, he took a square man and jammed +him into it, and left him to fit in as best he could. This might appear +difficult, and even detrimental to outsiders, but to those accustomed to +the peculiar system, things soon settled down and worked pretty well.</p> + +<p>He had a distinct objection to anything new. Change had to be brought +about slowly and by degrees. If there was any haste in the matter, he +started up at once, took fright and cried out "revolution!" and then any +necessary reform was thrust back and considerably delayed. He loved +patchwork. His Ship of State was patched. His Church Hulk was patched, +though of course this was not admitted by the generality of her crew, +who declared that the order they sailed by had come down without +interruption from the fountain-head; but there were differences of +opinion as to this even on board the Church Ship, and sometimes even +heated discussions took place on other matters when charity, and +brotherly love, were either sent below, or kicked over the ship's side +for the time being.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer loved to mend and mend, not from any love of economy, for +his public expenditure far exceeded that of any of his neighbours, and +he gloried in the fact. If some article of his own manufacture wanted +repairing he would not take any of his own material, but he would borrow +or buy from his neighbours, and clap on over his own product something +peculiar to other people. It was nothing to him whether the thing suited +or not, he still held on the even tenor of his way with a doggedness +that was in him almost a virtue, because it overcame so many +difficulties. In course of time he became famed as the very best tinker +that the world had ever produced; and this trade he guarded with a +jealous care and kept it entirely to himself.</p> + +<p>Then the way he had of relieving his watches was peculiar. He had no +regular shifts, but when one of the watches displeased him he just +kicked them over the ship's side and sent the whole crew about their +business, and a fresh lot had to be selected by the people on shore. It +was also another peculiarity of his that whenever the most learned, and +wisest of his sons, could not solve some difficult question of State, he +appealed at once to the most ignorant, and generally abided by their +decision. On such occasions his old coxswain took the helm and generally +brought him successfully out of his difficulties.</p> + +<p>During the time the crew were on shore soliciting the suffrages of the +people they were ready to promise almost anything, if they were only +sent on board in charge, but memories were often proved to be very +short. The crew often abused each other soundly, making use at times +even of very bad language. This was in a measure to be attributed to +those who managed to creep on board amongst the crew, who had not all +the characteristics of gentlemen; and also to the establishment amongst +the Buccaneer's people of a new university called Billingsgate, the +language and manners taught at his two ancient seats of learning not +being strong enough for the necessities of the age. There were always +Ojabberaways on board, and some of these had neither the refinement of +manner, nor the delicacy of feelings peculiar to the thorough bred +gentleman.</p> + +<p>At one time the old Ship of State was the scene of polished debate and +pointed epigram, while the satire was delicate and keen; but now things +had materially changed and the language too often descended to gross +personal abuse.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIII" id="CHAPTER_XIII"></a>CHAPTER XIII.</h2> + + +<p>The means the Buccaneer had of gaining his information, namely, through +the medium of his daily press, was confusing in the extreme; for all his +papers took sides and showed the fighting instincts of the head of the +family. Columns were written upon the same subject which was so decked +out in party colours as to baffle all efforts at recognition. Each paper +acted the part of an advocate, and by fixing upon the weak parts of an +adversary tried to conceal its own shortcomings. Under these +circumstances it was very difficult, if indeed it were possible, to find +out the true merits of a case.</p> + +<p>Every day a battle raged, and frequently an opponent was allowed neither +learning nor knowledge, while occasionally he was denied common honesty +and even decency. The gentlemen of the Buccaneer's press were a mighty +power. Fall under their displeasure, and it would be wise to make peace +with your enemy quickly, or you would have a whole phalanx of quills +charged to the very tips with ink, levelled at you. Kings even were +censured and nations chided in the most patronising manner; being +occasionally set at each other's throats, causes for quarrel being found +when none really existed. And often where a sore existed between two +people, it was not allowed quietly to heal and sink into the regions of +forgetfulness, but was kept open until perchance it ended in an open +rupture. Then having done this, the press frequently sat in judgment +upon the belligerents and censured them for their blood-guiltiness; and +by persisting in being present at the row, and chronicling the actions +of each combatant, the gentlemen of the press frequently did +considerable damage to both.</p> + +<p>As information could not possibly be legitimately acquired to keep so +many papers going it had to be manufactured. Then when a false rumour +was started, there was soon a hue and cry after it, and it was either +run to earth, or caught and worried to death in the open. Although the +dailies gave themselves great airs and many graces, posing often enough +even as prophets, they were a mighty power for good. They often +redressed wrongs; brought abuses to light, and kept a rod in pickle for +the back of the evil doer. The press was not, however, without its +inconveniences, and even evils. Taking a page out of Jonathan's book, +the Buccaneer had allowed the system of interviewing celebrities to +creep in. Distinguished persons were considered to be fair game, and +they were badgered, and bored to disclose their inmost secrets. What +they had had for breakfast, how they conducted themselves in private +life, whether they ate, drank, slept and dressed as other people, or +whether they had any peculiar way of their own, was considered to be of +the utmost interest to the people. The method by which we conduct our +everyday life is somewhat confined. We can only sit in one way, which we +may perhaps slightly vary; but the centre of gravity must be kept within +certain small limits. As a rule, there is but one mode of getting into +bed, namely, on either one side or the other, though we have known cases +in which the individual preferred to crawl in at the foot.</p> + +<p>Amongst other inconveniences must be named the newsvendor, who every +day, and at all hours up to late at night, rushed through the street and +cried up his wares in tones perfectly unintelligible, and which ranged +from the shrill pipe of the tender-aged gutter-grub, to the deep +gin-and-water voice of the full-grown and matured drunkard.</p> + +<p>High above the heads of the rest of the dailies stood the Great +Thunderer, as it was called. Every day it belched out dense heavy +columns from its paper throat, and it ploughed in amongst the smaller +fry and did occasionally great damage, this big gun worked upon a pivot, +and by the direction of its smoke you could tell which way the wind of +public opinion was likely to blow.</p> + +<p>Once a week the weeklies sat in judgment upon the dailies. The +monthlies pitched into both of these, and four times a year the giant +quarterlies strode in amongst the combatants, and dealt destruction all +round; overcoming all obstacles by the sheer weight of their columns. It +was said that one of these big bullies killed a man once, but this is +one of those assertions that requires confirmation. What one paper +affirmed, another denied, and that which to begin with was tolerably +clear, soon became overclouded with prejudice and party feeling.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIV" id="CHAPTER_XIV"></a>CHAPTER XIV.</h2> + + +<p>As is frequently the case in histories strides have to be taken, and +bridges have to be made over the river of time, so that we may walk over +in ease and comfort from one age to another.</p> + +<p>At the time of which we now wish to speak, the Starboard watch was in +charge of the old Ship of State. The captain of this watch was one +William Dogvane, a celebrated sailor, and as shifty a salt—so it was +said—as ever trod a plank. His first lieutenant was one Harty, as fine +a sailor as ever chewed a quid, or drank a tot of grog. A good hand all +round and a thorough gentleman. Then there were the other officers and +petty officers, of whom it is not necessary to make particular mention. +Strange as it may appear, some of the foremost hands will play a +conspicuous part in this history. To begin with, there was Pepper, the +cook of the Starboard watch, a great admirer, and supporter, of Captain +Dogvane's. Then there was Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher, Joseph Chips +the carpenter, and Charlie Chisel his mate, all of the same watch. +Pepper was a merry clever little fellow, full of quips, jeers, and +jokes, but like most cooks he was a bit uncertain in his temper. Put him +out, and stand clear, or you would have a bucket of water over you, +either hot or cold, dirty or clean, just whichever happened to be +nearest, before you knew where you were, and from his language, a +stranger might infer that he had taken high honours at the university of +Billingsgate. He was a great admirer of the Ojabberaways.</p> + +<p>The cook had a keen eye for the failings of others, but he was a merry +fellow with all, and excellent company, and though no one really +believed in him, all were ready enough to laugh, either with him, or at +him. It is true that such people do not, as a rule, figure in history, +but such things have been known. A dancer was once made prefect of +Rome. Besides your cook is no ordinary individual, for indirectly he +rules the universe. He is the foundation of peace and happiness, and the +cause often of strife, sorrow, and great suffering. A bloody war even +may be indirectly the consequence of the indiscretion, carelessness, or +want of skill on the part of some cook who has to prepare the food for +some kingly stomach. A little too much of one thing, or a little +skimpiness in another, brings on a fit of indigestion, accompanied by +mental irritation, and general loss of temper. Ministers are abused, and +have to bow their heads before the fury of the royal anger. The bearing +of some rival potentate assumes an altogether offensive aspect. Heads +are cut off; the prison opens its gates, and many poor subjects are +thrust in to contemplate in silence the fickleness of fortune, or their +own sins. Wars are declared. Battalions are ranged against battalions, +and human blood flows like water, and all this commotion springs, may +be, from the kitchen, where the cook sits calmly; bakes, stews, and +fries as if nothing had happened.</p> + +<p>Most assuredly the cook holds a most responsible position in the world, +and it is not too much to say that the safety, honour, welfare, and +integrity, yes, and even the happiness and intelligence of a people, +depend in a great measure upon the head of the kitchen. The cook should, +therefore, take his place amongst the high ministers of every state, for +it is in his power to do far more good, and to give far greater pleasure +to the many, than your prating philanthropist, who with meddling and +muddling manners, large heart, but, generally speaking, small head, +tries his best to make paupers of a people, and do harm generally. Your +cook is the prime minister to the greatest potentate in the whole world, +namely, king stomach, and therefore your cook, if he be a wise, skilful, +and virtuous cook, should hold a high place in every community. My lord +bishop do you cavil at my statement about his majesty, king stomach? +Does he not dwell in the monastery? Does he not sit even at the priest's +table, and say to the company, eat, drink, and be merry? Does the priest +more than the layman turn his back upon the succulent oyster, the +truffled turkey, the barded quail, the plover's egg, which may have +cost a shilling, though the honest tradesman only perhaps gave a penny +for the rook's egg, which he substitutes for it? Is the voice of our +mighty potentate never heard in the bishop's palace? The priest is but a +man. True, but too often he looks upon himself as the Lord's anointed +who is to be approached with respect, and listened to with reverence, +when from his throne, the pulpit, he preaches a self denial to others, +that he does not find it convenient to practice himself.</p> + +<p>As the Port watch were not on deck at the time of which we are speaking, +it is not necessary to say much about the men that composed it, further +than to mention that Bob Mainstay was the captain, and a most +experienced seaman, quite equal, many thought, to old Bill Dogvane, and +very much more certain, though he had not Bill's command of language. +Indeed, few had, for Bill could spin a yarn many fathoms long. The first +lieutenant of the Port watch was Ben Backstay, a safe steady going +seaman, universally respected, and both he and his captain had had no +finishing touches put on by the university of Billingsgate, and in +consequence they were courteous gentlemen. The captain was perhaps a +little imperious and keen of speech. Then, of course, there were all the +other officers and able seamen, and there was a merry, clever little +fellow, who though only a middy, must not be lost sight of: for he was +destined to rise step by step, and even jumps to a high position in the +old Ship of State. And he will play no mean part in our present history. +Random Jack as he was called, delighted annoying old Dogvane, in fact, +he buzzed about the whole of the Starboard watch like a mosquito, and +was the merriest, and most cheery little devil that ever put on a +sailor's jacket. People at first laughed and jeered at the middy, but he +cared not. Only those laugh in the end who win, and he was contented to +bide his time, and through fair weather and foul, in ups and downs, he +never lost confidence in himself, and herein lies the mainspring of +greatness and very much of the world's success.</p> + +<p>It has been shown that the old fighting instinct of the Buccaneer was +present amongst all his children, and that it was not absent even on +board of the Church Hulk. No wonder then that it showed itself to a +marked degree amongst his ship's crew, which, however, had not as yet +advanced so far as to run an opponent through with three feet of cold +steel or plug him with an ounce of lead, like some of his neighbours; +nor was his ship's deck strewn about with spittoons, like, it was said, +Jonathan's at one time was. In a matter of expectoration Jonathan was +great. A spittoon, if properly aimed at the head of an antagonist, +political or otherwise, might bring a debate to a speedy, and perhaps a +satisfactory conclusion.</p> + +<p>Though Captain William Dogvane swore he was essentially a man of peace, +his life proved him to be a man of war, and he displayed a marvellous +aptitude for getting into rows and then swearing that they were none of +his making. Then if he found that he was getting the worst of a fight he +would at once give in; own himself in the wrong, and apologize all +round, and sometimes tread on peoples' toes in doing so, and +consequently getting more abuse than thanks for his disinterestedness. +Dogvane said it was a noble and magnanimous thing to own oneself in the +wrong, and so save bloodshed; but his enemies said it was generally due +solely to cowardice, and they had some reason for saying this, as far as +Dogvane was concerned, for he never owned himself wrong until he had +been two or three times beaten in the open, and then the enormity of the +action—not the beating—became apparent to him. This shifty old salt +would at once ware ship, and put all the blame for everything upon the +other watch, the members of which, if they only did a half of what old +Dogvane accredited them with, deserved to be hanged, drawn, and +quartered. This skilled old sailor could sail on any tack and before any +wind. In his lifetime he had been many things and had served in both +watches; but there was nothing out of the way in this, as it was no +unusual thing for a man to commence in the Starboard watch and finish up +in the Port, and the reverse. Then old Dogvane could do almost anything. +There was nothing too great for him to tackle. He could talk for hours +upon the Mosaic Cosmogony. Science would try to knock him over with +facts; but Dogvane would, to his own entire satisfaction, prove that +science was altogether wrong. He would discuss religion, philosophy, +ethics, in fact, anything, with any past master in the craft, and he had +the quality, said to be peculiar to the race from which he sprang, of +never knowing when he was beaten.</p> + +<p>The Ojabberaways who served on board the old Ship of State were for the +most part in the Starboard watch, and if by any chance they changed over +to the other side to serve their purpose, the alliance was never of long +duration nor was it altogether of an honourable kind.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XV" id="CHAPTER_XV"></a>CHAPTER XV.</h2> + + +<p>A time came when things were said to be as they ought not to be; +discontent became very prevalent. It is always thus; but the people, it +was said—and with some show of reason—had quarrelled with their +prosperity. Labour had combined against capital, and the workers refused +to work except upon their own terms. They demanded shorter hours and +more pay, Nor would they, if they could help it, allow others to labour. +The Buccaneer's system of education had perhaps something to do with +this state of things, for it taught his children almost everything, +except how to gain a living, gave many of them exalted opinions, crammed +their heads, but left their stomachs empty, until in time the serving +class bid fair to be educated out of his island. All wanted to be +masters and mistresses, and the kitchen was looked down upon. Things +came to such a pass that it was far easier to obtain a governess who +could teach almost anything, for thirty pounds a year, than a cook for +the same amount, whose knowledge of her trade barely soared as high as +boiling a potato, or grilling properly a mutton chop, and who even with +this small amount of professional skill was insolent if found fault +with.</p> + +<p>Then the Buccaneer's tradesmen, being true chips of the ancient block, +were frequently extortionists, if not actual robbers. They were +certainly well imbued with his first principle of trade, namely, the +turning of their five talents into ten, and some at least were not above +selling short weight and adulterating their merchandise; but these of +course were the dishonest ones, the black sheep that are said to exist +in every flock. Then before things reached the consumer they had to be +dealt with by the middle men, a species of vampire who sucked a good +deal of the profit out of the article; so the consumer was driven into +the hands of the foreign cheap-Jack, who soon began to sell more than +ever. The Buccaneer's old coxswain, who, it must be owned, was a bit of +a preacher, and like all such a little prosy, spoke up as was his wont: +"Mates," he said, addressing a lot of grumblers, who had assembled +together to air their grievances, "don't you see you've got your ship's +head lying in the wrong direction? You are cutting your throats, my +hearties, like a swimming pig, for while some of you are quarrelling +with your masters, and others of you are going in for keeping up the +prices, these furrin cheap-Jacks are doing a thriving trade. Shipload +after shipload of their merchandise is coming in. They are ousting you, +my lads, out of your own markets, while you stand by, pipe in mouth and +hands in pockets, demanding your shorter hours and higher wages." "What +would you have us do, mate?" cried a burly fellow from the crowd, as he +held his pipe in one hand and a quart pot in the other. "Are we to work +our souls and bodies out, day after day, and year after year, while our +masters are building up a pile, and palaces to put it in? We ain't +agoing to work like some of our neighbours for a mere nothing; neither +are we agoing to live on black bread and sour crout; so unless our +masters are going to cave in and come down with the needful, we are +going to hold out. As for the cheap-Jack fellows, let our master make +'em pay toll. Let's have everything fair and above board. Put that in +your pipe, old man, and smoke it." "Lads!" cried old Jack, "you are +killing your goose that lays the golden eggs; or, you are frightening +her over the water, which amounts to the same thing." "Let her go, mate. +If she stays here and stops laying eggs, we'll wring her neck, and +divide her carcass amongst us. We shall have a good feed then anyhow, +and be equal all round." So there were strikes, and a great cry out +against capital, and trade began to work down towards the sea-shore, and +unfolding her wings, prepared to take flight to other and more congenial +climes.</p> + +<p>Whenever the old coxswain got his master's ear upon the subject, his +favourite, Liberty, was sure to be on the other side, telling him to let +things alone. This aggravated old Jack, who one day exclaimed; "Pray, +madam! how far are you going to take our master along this road of +freedom?" "Good, honest Jack, that is for you to say," cried madam, with +a smile and a curtsey. "Aye, aye, that is all well enough, my fine lady. +But there is not a place you don't go to with those doctrines of yours. +You commenced upstairs in the parlour, and now you have gone down into +the kitchen, and heaven only knows where you intend to stop. What is the +use of my saying anything? Where you lead my master follows; no matter +whether the road you are on goes to the devil or not. It is no use my +holding on to his coat tails, when you are coaxing him, cajoling him, +and pulling him forward by both his hands." So saying the old coxswain +went his way, muttering something about women in general, that was not +altogether complimentary to the fair sex. But the honest coxswain, when +ruffled, said, like many other people, very much more than what he +meant.</p> + +<p>In the general running down of things the Buccaneer's women did not +escape. At one time they had been famed both for their virtues, and +their beauty. Of the latter it was said there was a falling off. Indeed +they were so pulled to pieces all round, by the sharp talons of ill +nature, that they were not left too many virtues to plume themselves +with.</p> + +<p>Beauty it is well known is only skin deep, and in very many cases it +does not penetrate even so far. It can be laid on in the morning and +dusted off at night without much trouble, though no doubt many beauties +prefer to go to bed with the bloom on. This kind of beauty has its +merits. It withstands to a certain extent the ravages of time; art +following close in the footsteps of nature with the paint brush filling +up the crevices, and washing out the marks of the years that have +hurried by. But it was said that a good deal of the bloom on the young +cheeks was not a constant quantity, and that the cherry lips were not a +fast colour. That eyebrows and eyelashes were pencilled and hair dyed. +If this was not a foul libel how much was it to be regretted? Youth +requires neither putty nor paint to deck it off. For the old it matters +little; the only people deceived are the artists themselves. You may +disguise the age somewhat, put back the hand of time a year or so, but +you can never make an old face look young; paint it up and putty it as +much as you like. In the Buccaneer's island there was indeed to be seen +strange contrasts, such as dark eyebrows and fair hair, but then nature +does at times play sad tricks, giving to animals more heads than one, +and occasionally more than the usual quantity of tails, and even legs.</p> + +<p>Suppose the Buccaneer's daughter did call in the aid of art. They all do +it, and in doing it, a woman only follows the instincts of her nature, +though some are so strong minded as to pay little or no attention to +personal adornments. The instinct above alluded to is to be found in the +daughter of nature, as well as in her civilized sister, and is the one +great link that binds female humanity together. Is there a part of the +civilized world yet discovered where the female mind does not turn +towards the embellishment of the outward form? No doubt the first act of +Eve after the sad catastrophe in the garden of Eden, when she recovered +from the temporary fit of despondency, was to seek some smooth sheet of +water, on which her fair face and form might be mirrored, and with as +little doubt her second act was to procure the most becoming fig leaf, +that the whole garden of Eden could produce to deck herself in. In the +general effect perhaps she found some slight consolation, though she +might regret there were not more Adams than one. While in the West the +female head is decorated with hair taken, perhaps, from some one, who +having paid the debt due to nature has no further need for it, her +sister of ruder climes utilizes the bushy end of a cow's tail. While the +one uses cosmetics, pomades, and dainty perfumes, the other uses earth, +or clay, or things that by no means, or under any circumstances, can be +called dainty. In passing, we may perhaps call the attention to the +strange perversion of the order of things that seems to run through the +civilized male mind of the West. Hairs pulled from a horse's tail +decorate the wise heads of judges, while feathers plucked from the +nether end of a cock, float over the heads of Western warriors. Is there +any subtle influence of nature at work here? But to return to the +ladies.</p> + +<p>The female child of nature, instead of hanging round her neck precious +stones, wears thin strings of beads, or berries, or even shells, and +this in many climates is no inconsiderable part of her attire. Then +where she places a bunch of reeds, or dried grass, her civilized sister +places tastefully a bunch of ribbons. The same parts, present the same +difficulties, as to picturesque decoration. The progress of civilization +is also shown in the use of nose, lip, and ear-rings. The two former +have vanished from the fair faces of the West, but ear-rings still +remain as a link to bind us to the past, and though ankle rings have +disappeared except on the legs of French poodles, bangles are still +worn.</p> + +<p>As to the modesty of the Buccaneer's women. This is a delicate matter +and we pass over it with the remark that in this respect they would bear +favourable comparison with any of their neighbours, though their +language perhaps at times, and even their manners, left somewhat to be +desired. The modesty of a woman must not be treated lightly, for it is +to her, or should be, as a diadem studded with precious stones, and a +garment as lovely to behold as the mantle of our Creator when dipped in +Autumn's rich and ever varying colours.</p> + +<p>What for the most part attracted the eye of censure was the manner in +which the fashionable daughters of the Buccaneer dressed of an evening. +Then, in many cases, there was very little clothing on above the waist; +but ample amends were made by the length of the skirts, which trailed +many yards in the dirt behind.</p> + +<p>This display of what are usually called the charms of a woman, could not +have been from any base motive; for had such been the case the middle +aged and old, would not have indulged in the practice. There may be +something very attractive about the well-shaped neck and snow white +bosom of a young and pretty girl, when modesty is not altogether +outraged, but there can be nothing pleasing about too fleshy middle age, +or the skinny old. Besides had the desire been the base one of exciting +the worst of man's passions, the skirts of the fashionable dresses would +have been considerably shortened. A pretty foot and shapely ankle is +every bit as pleasing to the eye of man, as a naked bosom, though here +again the beefy heels of maturity, and the fleshless pegs of age must be +excepted.</p> + +<p>We rather see in the above fashion an innate modesty born in the female +breast, and we detect in it a disposition ever present to go back to the +far off past. To that time, when the clothing of our first mother was +conspicuous by its almost entire absence. It was all the more +commendable on the part of the Buccaneer's daughters to endeavour to +re-establish this early state of innocence, because his climate was dead +against the movement, and it says no little for the hardiness of his +women, who could thus lay bare so much of their bodies in a temperature +notoriously inclement, without suffering any ill effects.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVI" id="CHAPTER_XVI"></a>CHAPTER XVI.</h2> + + +<p>There was a lively discussion going on now on board the old Ship of +State about the state of things in general. As to whether trade really +was depressed at home, and as to whether the Buccaneer's relations were +all as they should be abroad.</p> + +<p>The Port watch, who wanted to get charge of the old ship, swore that +things were at sixes and sevens. Their part of the press gang took of +course the same view, while the Starboard watch, headed by Dogvane, +declared with great zeal and certainty that things were never better.</p> + +<p>There was discontent even amongst the Starboard, or Dogvane's watch, +some of the hands, namely, the carpenter, the butcher, and the cook, +and, of course, the carpenter's mate, thinking that the old ship was out +of date, and much too slow for the times. The carpenter was for altering +her, and for cutting adrift the old hulk alongside. The cook was for +breaking the old ship up, and for building an entirely new one on lines +of his own. The new craft, he declared, would be a rapid sailer, very +easily managed and cheaply worked. These ideas grew and took root, and +were productive of certain fruit, as will be hereafter shown.</p> + +<p>When the captain of the Port watch drew the Buccaneer's attention to the +general, as he said, unsatisfactory state of things, old Dogvane shut +one eye—not his weather one—that was always open. "It does you +credit," he said, "it does you credit; but bless you, my master isn't +going to be taken in, in that way. It is a trick, sir; just a party +trick," he said, turning to the Buccaneer, who with his cox'sn was +standing on the quarter-deck, wondering, as was his custom, whom he was +to believe.</p> + +<p>The Port watch now began to abuse old Dogvane, and many of the long +shore hands freely damned him; but quite as many blessed him, and were +ready to crown him with laurels; but he was called by the Port watch a +double-dealing, sly, foxy, old fellow, who would commit any crime from +pitch-and-toss to manslaughter, though not a soul had ever seen him +indulging in either of these games.</p> + +<p>The carpenter declared that the Buccaneer's people were doing a rattling +trade in boots, shoes, and watches, while woollen stuffs were all up. +What a carpenter could know about such things it would be difficult to +say. Had it been nails, or screws, it would have been quite a different +thing; but on board the old ship a want of knowledge never kept a tongue +quiet. Indeed, under the system of a square man for a round hole, how +could it be otherwise?</p> + +<p>There was a lengthy and animated discussion on the matter, which Random +Jack, of whom mention has been made, took advantage of to scud up aloft +to the look-out tub. The shaking of the rigging woke up the man on duty, +who, from a matter of habit, sung out "All's well."</p> + +<p>Random Jack declared it was nothing of the sort, and he accused the +look-out man of being asleep. Then the middy hailed the deck. "Below +there!" he cried, "I see clouds in the East." This was a safe thing to +say, for there were always clouds there of some sort. He added, "Dust +and smoke show there is a heavy storm there. I see, too, a city in +flames, and people are being massacred."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer turned upon old Dogvane, the captain of the watch on duty, +and asked him what all this meant. Dogvane was not in the least taken +aback, no good sailor ever is, so he said, "I cannot believe, sir, that +anything is going on in the East that should not be, because we have no +official information on the subject." It was a well known fact, that in +the Buccaneer's island, his official information was about the last that +was ever received. People often wondered what kind of an animal carried +his mail bags. Some said it must be a mule, or perhaps an ass.</p> + +<p>Dogvane, to reassure his master, hailed the mast-head, and asked the +look-out man how the old ship was heading. This was the usual way of +asking for information. The man on duty in the tub immediately placed +his official eye to the telescope, while he firmly closed the other, and +answered that the distant horizon was quite clear. Then he added, "Some +people are so precious sharp that they stand a chance of cutting +themselves." This sarcasm was levelled at Random Jack, but he treated it +with a contempt that was peculiar to him.</p> + +<p>When the little middy reached the deck he had a pretty tale to tell; but +the cook said it was a parcel of lies, that the other watch could +scarcely be believed on their oath, and this depravity very much +distressed him; for Pepper was an upright, and an honest man. Billy +Cheeks said that the young Tory Bantam, as he called him, was a deal too +fond of crowing, and that if he came within striking distance of his fly +flapper, he would take his meals standing for some considerable time. +The Ojabberaways on board were highly delighted at the prospect of a +row, for nothing they liked better than a free fight, and they were +always ready to join in any devilment that would cause the old gentleman +annoyance.</p> + +<p>Dogvane, seeing how things were going, delivered himself of one of those +speeches, for which he was celebrated. Having hitched up his trousers +fore and aft, like the good sailor that he was, he said:</p> + +<p>"All this stir, sir, is about nothing. As I said before it is just a +trick of the other side to shift watches. Clouds in the East? Of course +there are. It is the very place we generally look for them. I am +creditably informed that all our relations are for the most part +friendly, and taking into consideration how interfering and meddlesome +relations usually are, this must be considered highly satisfactory. At +home the bright sun of prosperity shines over all the land, while the +songs of a contented people rise up in a grand chorus to heaven." The +cook hearing this winked at the butcher, upon whose placid features +there was a smile of approval and self-satisfaction; but the good +impression left by the above beautiful language upon the mind of the +Buccaneer, was slightly clouded by a parting shot on the part of the +captain of the Port watch, who knew as well as Dogvane how to arouse +his master's suspicion. It could always be done by drawing attention to +what were said to be the ambitious designs of some old rival. Then our +Buccaneer from a state of indolent indifference, would often fly to the +opposite extreme and suffer something in the nature of a panic, under +the influence of which he would for the time being storm and rave. If he +could, he would make a scapegoat of some one. Perhaps he would kick his +watch on duty over the ship's side, and think to put all things straight +by lavishing his money upon every conceivable object. The fury of the +storm being over, he would again sink into his usual happy-go-lucky +state, and rest quietly until some one stirred him up again. As some +rusty old weathercock will not condescend to move for anything less than +a gale of wind, so it took a panic to rouse up this wealthy and +easy-going old gentleman.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVII" id="CHAPTER_XVII"></a>CHAPTER XVII.</h2> + + +<p>In the East there dwelt at this time a mighty Bandit, Bruin by name. He +was an old rival of the Buccaneer. It is said that birds of a feather, +either do, or should flock together; but as a matter of fact it is +frequently found that they do not; the feather being too often a bone of +contention. People would have thought that these two celebrities, +following as they did the same profession, with the exception that one +pushed his trade more by sea, and the other more by land, would have +lived peacefully one with another; more especially as they were +separated by a wide tract of land and sea. Many old saws and sayings +would justify this belief; but the Bandit and the Buccaneer could not +hit it off together. The latter being quite a reformed, God-fearing and +respectable man, no doubt looked with horror upon the life that the +former was leading. It was strange too; because the Bandit was an +eminently pious, and Christian gentleman also; but he had not as yet +made his pile, which of course made all the difference; and his people, +though many of them were slaves, were beginning to be unruly.</p> + +<p>As to whether the Bandit was as cruel and as bad as he was said to be, +is open to doubt. It is well known that the devil is not as black as +what he is painted. Evil things were said even of the Ojabberaways, and +we know that once give a dog a bad name, and you may as well hang him, +or tie a string round his neck, and fling him into the nearest pond. +Some people no doubt would have gloried in seeing this Eastern Bandit +run up on the nearest tree; but then he required catching.</p> + +<p>Of the living why not be truthful? There seems to be a prevalent opinion +that this should be the case when we discuss the characters of our +enemies, and more especially of our friends to whom we can make amends +by saying nothing but what is good of them when they are dead. This old +sea king whose history we take a delight in relating, had as has been +shown a very quick eye for the shortcomings of his friends. Looking over +the heads of his own little peccadillos, he fixed his keen gaze upon +those of his neighbours, and no one could find out an act of robbery +sooner than could this Buccaneering trader; then his virtuous +indignation knew no bounds.</p> + +<p>It was indeed a belief of his, that most of his neighbours were +ambitious and designing, ever ready to feather their own nests at the +expense of other peoples. Yet they were all eminently religious, prayed +often, and professedly were all followers of the same great Master; but +they all slept in armour, and were ready on the slightest provocation to +fly at each other's throats. Our pious Buccaneer had learnt to look upon +the East as a sort of devil's playground, and the Bandit as the arch +fiend himself who he frequently thought was up to no good when the poor +gentleman was perhaps actually engaged in his devotions.</p> + +<p>The slightest allusion to the Eastern Bandit always alarmed him, so the +command was given on board the old Ship of State to pipe all hands, and +presently the bo'sn's whistle, followed by those of all his mates, +sounded merrily along the decks. Those below hurried up, while those on +shore hastened on board, and the scene was soon one of the liveliest. +Just as the last man tumbled over the ship's side, there was a great +commotion at the Port gangway, and on looking over, a very queer +powerfully made fellow was to be seen trying to get on board; but the +rest of the ship's company would not have him at any price. Pepper, the +cook, said the man was a friend of his, in fact, his mate; but Pepper +spoke to deaf ears; for the fellow would not swear, and it is a well +known fact that a seaman who will not swear cannot be a good sailor. +Several of the hands seized upon the intruder, and suiting an old rhyme +to the occasion, they commenced to sing—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Here comes a queer man<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who will not say his prayers,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So we take him by his two legs<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And chuck him down the stairs."<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p>And they did, much to honest Pepper's disgust, who rated and accused +them well for their trouble. The man himself as he swam ashore affirmed +that he would return and serve yet on board of the old ship. He kept his +word; was posted to Captain Dogvane's watch, and became very much +respected.</p> + +<p>As was their custom, the Ojabberaways tried very hard to monopolize the +whole of the conversation, with their numerous complaints, and they +swore most stoutly that not a stitch of business should the Buccaneer do +until they were given their independence and freed from the yoke of the +tyrant. When they were told that all was being done for them that could +in justice to all interests be done, one of them said, "Indeed a mighty +deal too much has been done; but in the wrong direction. We ask for our +freedom, and you give us a rope and bid us go hang."</p> + +<p>Here some one amongst the crew who apparently had caught a cold, +sneezed, this the Ojabberaways took as an additional insult upon their +unhappy country, and because the insult could not be withdrawn, they +created a great disturbance, to quell which, two or three of them had to +be thrown overboard. The ship thus lightened rode all the better, but +the cook said it was a sinful waste thus to sacrifice the Ojabberaways, +when there was the whole of the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber weighing the +old ship down by the stern. The discussion on board now took a lively +turn, upon an assertion which the carpenter had previously made about +boots and shoes being brisk. Some interested person declared that if the +trade was brisk the boots themselves were bad, as could be seen by the +Buccaneer's soldiers who were fighting in the East.</p> + +<p>All the fat was now put into the fire, and there was a heated argument +as to whether the Buccaneer was or was not engaged in warlike +operations. There ought to have been no doubt about such a thing, but +there was. It was also asserted that the rascally contractor was at his +old game of starving both men and animals, or giving them bad food, and +so amassing a large fortune and qualifying himself for promotion to the +Buccaneer's Upper Chamber.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer turned for information to his trusty Captain Dogvane. +"How is this, Master Dogvane?" he asked, "I thought you said my +relations abroad were all good."</p> + +<p>"Sir," replied the captain, "ever since the old Ship of State was built +have there been these differences of opinion, and God forbid that it +should be otherwise; it will be an evil day for my master when his +watches take so little interest in his affairs as to cease to have wordy +battles over them."</p> + +<p>"But, Master Dogvane, whom am I to believe?"</p> + +<p>"A straightforward question, sir, demands a straightforward reply. +Believe in me."</p> + +<p>At this there were loud jeers from the other watch, and many voices were +heard to say: "Believe in him and he will run you pretty soon into shoal +water."</p> + +<p>"Aye! aye!" cried Dogvane, "the same old cry. I have been man and boy on +board this old craft for many a long year, and these hands have held the +helm and so the old ship rides safe and sound. Her bluff old bows riding +superior to every storm. Have not gales and hurricanes swept over these +decks, and yet she has risen superior to all? Some say the old craft +alongside is in shallow water, and yet she seems peaceful and safe +enough."</p> + +<p>Here Random Jack said the captain was, as usual, drifting from the +point.</p> + +<p>"Of course, my little man, you must have your say. It was you that first +set this ball a-rolling; but hurry no man's cattle is a safe cry. I was +merely clearing my decks, as it were, for action."</p> + +<p>Upon being pressed, Dogvane was obliged to admit that he was engaged in +operations of a warlike nature; but he went into so many subtle +distinctions as to the different kinds of warfare that nobody could +follow him. He swore that in the footsteps of the other watch followed +gratuitous and unprovoked war. "We are not now at war," he cried in +great warmth, "though I will not say that we are not engaged in some +kind of military operations which, however, though offensive in form are +purely defensive in essence." Dogvane being apparently afraid lest he +should be called upon for an explanation turned the conversation by +appealing to a weak part in his master's nature, namely, his religion.</p> + +<p>"Can we ever forget," he said, "the Divine Master we follow? Can we +forget the principles of peace he taught us? The operations I am now +engaged in are only a part of that terrible inheritance that the other +watch left me." This of course brought down a storm upon him from the +other watch. "My aim," he continued, "ever has been to maintain a +friendly footing with all your neighbours, and by keeping them in union +together to neutralize, fetter, and bind up the selfish aims of each."</p> + +<p>"And the result of your labours," cried the captain of the Port Watch, +"has been to estrange our master from all his friends and to land him in +incessant troubles. Have you not bombarded a friend's town?" he added, +"have you not massacred his people?"</p> + +<p>Dogvane could not altogether deny this, so he said: "It is true that a +few forts have been knocked down, but they were better down than up; and +a few people have no doubt been killed, but what of that? Accidents will +happen in the very best regulated undertakings."</p> + +<p>Thus did the argument continue to the utter confusion of the bold +Buccaneer who cast his eyes towards the Church Hulk alongside, and he +inwardly wished that all was as peaceful and secure as it seemed to be +there; but scarcely had the thought crossed his mind than a great hubbub +rose up and the sound of controversy became loud. All eyes were turned +towards the Church Hulk, and many feared they were about to witness one +of those religious disputes which occasionally are so bitter and even +disastrous. Some thought it must at least be a mutiny. Considerable +relief was felt when it was found upon inquiry that it was nothing more +serious than a discussion as to the shape and colour of the vestments in +which our Creator was to be worshipped in, and a rival sect nearly came +to blows over the form of an ecclesiastical hat. All this seemed +strange, because the Church Hulk professed to sail by orders which said: +"Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall +drink, nor yet for your body what ye shall put on."</p> + +<p>If people squabble amongst themselves it soon becomes known, and it soon +began to be noised abroad that the Buccaneer's Church Hulk was in +danger, both from jealousy without and the want of Christian charity and +brotherly love within. It is certain that some of the crew of the Ship +of State had their eyes upon her, and it got rumoured abroad that some +fine morning people would wake up to find she had either slipped her +moorings or been cut adrift. But has not this rumour ever been a lying +rascal and a fit lieutenant for the devil himself?</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVIII" id="CHAPTER_XVIII"></a>CHAPTER XVIII.</h2> + + +<p>The Buccaneer paced the deck of his old ship in a thoughtful manner. +Suddenly he stopped and addressed his captain. "Dogvane," he said, "I +have trusted you; beware lest you deceive me."</p> + +<p>"Sir," said the captain, "the man who would deceive so good and great a +master would be base indeed."</p> + +<p>"Is all this true that the other watch have said about my ships? Am I in +the wretched state they say? Where has gone all my money?"</p> + +<p>"Master, allow not the idle shafts of the Port Watch to trouble you. +They are greedy of office, and to gain their ends, they magnify some +things and totally misrepresent others. Believe not what they said about +your ships and about your trade. Bloated armaments, sir, are a source of +danger; exciting the fear, jealousy, and suspicions of your neighbours; +draining your exchequer, and feeding like a foul canker upon the fair +flower of your industries. You are no longer a bold Buccaneer, sailing +the seas in search of plunder. You are no land stealer. The object of +your life is not now to carry fire and sword into your neighbour's +country. You are a respectable trader, peaceful and industrious, a +Christian, with religious principles to act up to."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Master Dogvane; but there are those about, who, if I am not ready +to protect my own, will save me the trouble."</p> + +<p>"Sir, it is not right to have so base an opinion of the world; but your +armaments are fully equal to all your needs."</p> + +<p>"In this, Master Dogvane, I must perforce believe you. But how about +that rascal Bruin? He has committed depredations in the past. He is a +grasping fellow too, and I have my suspicions that there may be some +truth in what I hear. He may be casting sheep's eyes at my fair Indian +Princess."</p> + +<p>"So long as they are only sheep's eyes, sir, where is the harm? The lamb +which is the forerunner of the sheep is the emblem of peace. Suspicion, +my master, is the attribute of either a base or weak mind, and is +unworthy of you. The Eastern Bandit I have always found a pious and +truthful man; only requiring to be known to be appreciated. Honest too, +as times go; but awkward when vexed."</p> + +<p>We must leave the Buccaneer in the hands of his skilful captain and take +a turn ashore. The Port Watch having collected crowds of idlers +addressed them on the general depressed state of affairs, and they found +ready listeners. No one considers himself so well off but that he wants +something more. There was a general and continued cry out against the +foreign cheap-Jacks. The blackguards who take advantage of every breath +of discontent to preach their doctrine of universal plunder had merry +times, and their tongues wagged at the street corners, in the parks, and +other public places. These fellows had a following, for they held up +before the eyes of the poor a picture of plenty, while the criminals saw +in them instruments to help them on in their trade. The sound of their +many voices surged up like the angry roar of wild beasts in some distant +jungle.</p> + +<p>But now all eyes were turned towards the old Ship of State, for a sight +was to be seen that had not been seen in the memory of living man +before. It was nothing more nor less than the portly form of the old +Buccaneer struggling with difficulty up the rigging, and behind him came +the lithesome form of old Dogvane; both of them were evidently bound for +the crow's nest, below which the legs of the look-out man could be seen +hanging like the legs of some huge stork.</p> + +<p>There was a look of anxiety on the captain's face, as though he feared +the consequences of that climb up aloft. It might upset the gravity of +so portly an old gentleman as his master had grown to be, and he might +look at things with a temper somewhat clouded by anger. Then the +look-out man might be found asleep at his post. That some such thoughts +occupied old Dogvane's mind was evident, for, making some excuse, he +passed his master in the rigging and hurried to the top. The man in the +tub was so lost in his own meditations that he did not see the captain +enter; but a kick startled him, and he cried, "Look out!" "I am going +to," was Dogvane's reply. He then added: "Now, look alive, my hearty, +and show me the official slides."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer arrived in the top, puffing and blowing and quite +exhausted, for it was a stiff climb for one so stout. He was breathless, +and his face was as ruddy as the setting sun. As he sat swabbing +himself, as the sailors would say, he heard the murmurs of the crowd +down below on shore rising up. "What noise is that?" he asked of the +captain.</p> + +<p>"That, sir, is the lowing of your many herds," was the reply. Dogvane +was a ready man.</p> + +<p>Now, when the people on shore had recovered from their first surprise, +their tongues began to wag freely.</p> + +<p>"At last!" cried one, "the old man is roused; now we shall see what +happens."</p> + +<p>"Not much, my mate," cried a second, "don't you see old Dogvane is up +aloft too." Of course this was either a Port watchman, or one with Port +watch sympathies.</p> + +<p>"It is a pity," cried a third, "that the old gentleman did not mount +aloft before and take a look round for himself; then he would have seen +how things were going on. For, drat my buttons if you can believe any of +these land lubbers below."</p> + +<p>"Ah! it's all very well to talk," said another, "but the old gentleman +is not so active as he used to be. Prosperity has made him lazy too, and +good living has made him thick in the wind."</p> + +<p>"There is life in the old man yet," cried another. And so it went on +through the crowd. Several levelled their telescopes at the mast head of +the old ship, and there were general regrets at the apparent absence of +the Buccaneer's old coxswain, for the people believed in him. There was +now what bid fair, at one time, to end in a general free fight between +partisans of the two watches, and of course the Ojabberaways were quite +ready to join in, for wherever heads were to be broken there they were +sure to be; but a peaceful turn was given to the affair by Random Jack +jumping upon an empty beer barrel and declaring, as he took off his +jacket, that he was ready to meet in single combat, any man double his +size of the Starboard Watch, and bid any one who liked to carry his +challenge on board, either to the cook or to Billy Cheeks, the burly +butcher.</p> + +<p>"Listen to the lad!" the people cried and laughed; but no one took up +the challenge.</p> + +<p>"Well, my mates," cried an old salt, "let us wait and see what comes of +it all. For my part I doubt much good, with old Dogvane up there too."</p> + +<p>"What can he do, pray, if the old man takes a look for himself?" said +another.</p> + +<p>"What can he do?" cried Random Jack. "Look here, my hearties; that is a +difficult question to answer when old Bill is concerned. For there is +little he can't do, and there is not a trick or a dodge that that old +fox is not up to. Why, he would get the weather side of the devil +himself. Now, listen to me, my lads. Ah! it's all very well for you +slavish followers of old Dogvane to put your tongues in your cheeks and +flout and jeer, but those laugh in the end who win, and my merriment is +yet to come. Now I will tell you what old Dogvane will do. He will make +our master look through the wrong end of the telescope, or he will put +in coloured lenses, or glasses with pictures painted on them, or he will +do something to deceive; and whatever he does his crew will swear it is +right, more especially the cook, the carpenter, and the burly butcher; +but I have my eyes upon them; and I will smoke them out yet."</p> + +<p>People laughed out right at these bold words of the little middy's. Many +of the old salts said the boy would grow into no ordinary man, and that +if he lived he would achieve great things. This Random Jack fully +believed himself; and perseverance as is well known conquers all things. +It is only necessary to be constantly dinning into the ears of people +our own particular merits, and in time the most obstinate will give in +and take you at your own valuation. In no other way can very much of +the success we see in the world be accounted for.</p> + +<p>If you are an impostor, the course of events may perhaps find you out, +but it is hard to overthrow even a humbug when once fully established, +and if he is knocked over he is sure to retain some of his followers and +believers, who will worship him as a martyr, and he may even finish up +by being canonized as a saint.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIX" id="CHAPTER_XIX"></a>CHAPTER XIX.</h2> + + +<p>The look-out place at the mast head of the old Ship of State had many +names, and amongst the rest it was called the owl's nest. This bird is +sagacious looking; but by some people it is considered stupid, though +perhaps rats, and mice, and other like vermin, think he is sharp enough +for them. From this point of vantage Dogvane was bidding his master to +behold the bright things that lay beneath him. "Look around you," he +said, "and your eyes will rest upon a beautiful picture; upon fields of +golden corn bending their heads ready for the sickle of the reaper; upon +pastures well stocked with flocks and herds and upon a contented and a +happy people." Just as the Buccaneer was stooping down to adjust his eye +to the telescope, Dogvane very deftly slipped in, as the clever little +middy had said he would, a slide beautifully painted with rural scenes, +for what he had said existed only in his imagination, for a good deal of +the land was lying fallow. The Buccaneer seemed lost in wonder and +admiration, and was silent; but Dogvane kept talking all the time. +Conjurors always do this to distract the attention of their audience, +otherwise their imposition might be found out. "Your eyes rest, sir," +the captain said, "upon a peaceful scene; no one would think that all +those quiet looking villages, with their churches, stand over the bones +of dead pirates." The Buccaneer did not like this allusion to his past +life so he said:</p> + +<p>"Master Dogvane! there are but few men that have not had their early +indiscretions. Even the very best of us in looking back wish some things +undone. Many a saint has commenced life as a sinner; then let the dead +past be buried, and often the greater the sinner the greater the saint. +The first public act of Moses was a murder."</p> + +<p>Dogvane took advantage of this diversion to slip in another slide. +"Behold!" he cried, "your happy villages, with their churches, nestling +in amongst the trees. Behold your towns and cities, the monuments of +your industry and intelligence! See the tall tapering chimneys rising +far into the murky sky. Look down, my master; look down at your rivers +thickly studded with innumerable ships." Dogvane said not a word about +the nationality of those ships. He did not tell his master that they +belonged, a good many of them, to the innumerable cheap-Jacks that +infested the shores.</p> + +<p>"Dogvane!" cried the Buccaneer, as he wiped the small glass of his +telescope, "I see chimneys enough; but I see no smoke coming from them. +They seem to me to be mute monuments raised to a dead industry." The +artist had quite forgotten to put the smoke in. Perhaps he painted from +nature—some artists do. Dogvane was quite equal to the occasion, "We +compel all your subjects, sir, to consume their own smoke."</p> + +<p>This of course was not the case, if it had been, the Buccaneer's people +would not have had to live at times in a gloom that made mid-day +scarcely distinguishable from midnight.</p> + +<p>Do I accuse a high official; a man whose character was as that of the +wife of Cæsar, of not adhering to the truth?</p> + +<p>Heaven forbid, that we should be so profane. But even truth at times +must be suppressed, and though this may be considered by the +straight-laced and sickly minded to be lying by implication, it is not +so. It is done in the very best and most pious society; and in a high +state of civilization it is absolutely necessary; because truth hurts +the feelings of the refined.</p> + +<p>The tinkling of many bells rose up on the air, and hovered for a while +over the crow's nest. "What sound is that?" asked the Buccaneer. "The +bell wethers, sir, ringing out their glad tidings of large and +multiplying flocks." It was nothing of the sort. It was the muffin man +going his constant and monotonous rounds.</p> + +<p>"Listen, sir!" exclaimed Dogvane in high glee, "to the merry, but +perfectly unintelligible cry of your happy costermongers. From dewy morn +till dewy eve they vend their wares."</p> + +<p>"If their cry, Master Dogvane, is unintelligible, why allow them to +disturb the quiet of my people?"</p> + +<p>"For all that I do, sir, there is a goodly reason. One of the favourite +cries of our enemies is that we are revolutionists, up-setters, and +destroyers of cherished customs. We refute this base slander by pointing +to your costermongers. Here is a time-honoured institution that we have +left untouched, and if the merry voice of the costermonger is to be +silenced the guilt shall be on the head of the Port Watch, for old Bill +Dogvane will have nothing to do with it." After this burst of +impassioned eloquence the captain of the Starboard Watch wiped a +glistening tear from his eye, took a little time to get his breath and +then continued: "Look at your sanitary arrangements! In a matter of +drains you have not an equal."</p> + +<p>"All this is very well, Master Dogvane, and at home things may be sound +enough; but how about my neighbours?"</p> + +<p>"Your neighbours, sir? oh! I am credibly informed that in a matter of +drains they are not good. I believe they have none; or if they have, I +have no official information on the subject."</p> + +<p>"Confound their drains, man! How do I stand with them?" Saying this, the +Buccaneer turned his glass to distant parts. Dogvane tried very hard to +distract the attention of his master, so that he could turn the +telescope round until the small end might be where the big end ought to +be; but he had no opportunity; neither had he any foreign slides. This +was an oversight, and Dogvane was disconcerted. He tried to persuade his +master by all manner of devices, not to trouble himself about other +people's affairs. Told him that he was looked upon with jealousy, as all +great and good men are; but that he ought to be too wise to mind what +people said.</p> + +<p>This rather flattered the Buccaneer's vanity. So long as he was feared +and respected that was all he cared for. This was not right from a +Christian point of view; but we must not expect too much; for the flesh +is at all times weak, and man has been endowed with certain qualities +that will occasionally assert themselves. Was not the Hulk alongside the +old Ship of State, the custodian of all Christian principles? Would you +find charity and humility reigning supreme there? Good people all, +beneath the priestly frock there sometimes beats a hard and unforgiving +heart. Saint Chrysostom was a godly but outspoken man; one of strong +convictions. He expressed an opinion that in his day the number of +bishops who might be saved bore a very small proportion to those who +would be damned. We live in better times, and the balance now would be +no doubt against the devil. At least let us be charitable, and hope so.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer kept his gaze fixed upon the East, and Dogvane was not +experiencing an ecstasy of delight. Presently his master cried, "Eh! +what is that I see?" Dogvane seized the glass and placed his eye to the +hole, "It is nothing, sir, but a dust storm. Such things are of frequent +occurrence in the East, and very trying and disagreeable they are to +those who have to live there. This is no doubt what that youngster, +Random Jack, made such a fuss about."</p> + +<p>"But who is kicking up the dust?" the Buccaneer demanded. Dogvane ran +through a number of common and ordinary causes for such things, which +however did not seem to satisfy his master, who said to the captain's +surprise, "Dust storm, or no dust storm, Master Dogvane, I am going to +take a look there myself. There is no knowing but what the Bandit of the +East may be behind that cloud."</p> + +<p>"Ah! the old scare!" muttered Dogvane. "Down on deck and pipe my yacht's +crew away!" cried the Buccaneer as he prepared to descend. Dogvane was +for making a thousand excuses, the manufacturing of which was to him a +matter of the greatest ease. But it was of no use, and so down he went +to comply with his master's bidding. He was still more horrified when he +learnt that it was his master's intention to make a few calls on his +neighbours on his way to the East.</p> + +<p>"What do you want to leave home for now, sir, when all your people are +so happy and comfortable?" Dogvane asked as he went down through the +lubbers' hole.</p> + +<p>"And what better time, pray, could I choose?"</p> + +<p>"But your neighbours may not like to be taken thus unceremoniously?" +Dogvane said as he began to descend.</p> + +<p>"A friend, Master Dogvane, is always welcome, and by our reception we +shall see in what estimation we are held."</p> + +<p>"But, sir," cried Dogvane, looking up from the rigging.</p> + +<p>"But me, no buts, Master Dogvane, but do as you are told; so down you +go."</p> + +<p>Dogvane seemed to have lost somewhat of his alacrity, for he took a +terrible long time in reaching the deck, and kept up a running +accompaniment to his thoughts, which, however, was not loud enough to be +heard, and therefore cannot be recorded; though it is safe enough to +assume that so good a man made use of no bad language. Something +evidently troubled the old captain's mind, for when the two of them +reached the deck, he said, "Master, you must not listen to everything +you hear against the great Bandit of the East. People are not all honey +behind your back. In the past you have ever been too ready to draw the +sword, following the example of those who fight first, and argue +afterwards."</p> + +<p>"Because, Master Dogvane, experience has taught me that if you thrash +your enemy first he is the more amenable to reason."</p> + +<p>"That, honoured sir, was all very well in an uncivilized and barbarous +age. When the mind was not open to reason, and when the manners had not +been softened by Christianity, then the sword was, no doubt, a good +major premise; but now, sir, it should never be drawn except through +dire necessity. In a just and good cause I am ready to shed my last drop +of blood for you."</p> + +<p>"Nobly said, Dogvane! nobly said!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, as he +slapped old Dogvane in an approving manner on the back, thereby nearly +knocking all the wind out of his body.</p> + +<p>"But, mind you, master," Dogvane said, "I must be assured that the cause +is just. An appeal to arms should only take place when the noble art of +diplomacy has failed. Then, sir, by all manner of means draw the sword."</p> + +<p>"Master Dogvane; tell me what is Diplomacy?" asked the Buccaneer.</p> + +<p>"Diplomacy, sir, is the polished and courteous method that one nation +has of conducting business with another."</p> + +<p>"To my mind, Master Dogvane, it is the polished method by which one +nation tries very often to overreach another. Strip it of its courtly +paraphernalia and you often find this Diplomacy to be a lying, +intriguing, cheating, and unprincipled rascal, that every honest man +ought to shun. Look you! it has been said that by this self-same +Diplomacy I have lost a good deal of what I have won in fair and open +fight."</p> + +<p>Dogvane sighed over his master's want of enlightenment. But he knew too +well that in his present mood he was not to be reasoned with, so what +could a poor sailor do? What cannot be cured must be endured. Dogvane +felt assured that everything was to be put down to the fallacious +teachings of the Port Watch, and had he not been the pious man that he +was he would undoubtedly have damned all their knavish tricks, if +nothing else.</p> + +<p>The cook, the butcher, and the carpenter, could see that something was +amiss by the troubled look upon their captain's face, so they were not +at all surprised to hear the bo'sn's whistle pipe the crew of the bold +Buccaneer's royal yacht away; to be one of the crew of which was +esteemed a great distinction, as it was a sure road to preferment. The +cook only hoped the old man, meaning the Buccaneer, was not going to +make a fool of himself; but he had his doubts, of course. Had the +sagacious and learned Pepper been one of the party to give his master +the benefit of his advice it would have been a different matter +altogether.</p> + +<p>But where is the old cox'sn all this time. Is the Buccaneer going to +make his round of calls without his right-hand man?</p> + +<p>Good people all, the cox'sn was on shore moving about amongst the +people, doing good after his humble fashion, wherever he could. He did +not always accompany his master, more is the pity; but the truth must be +told. He could not at all times get on with Captain Dogvane, and old +Jack Commonsense was not much of a traveller.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XX" id="CHAPTER_XX"></a>CHAPTER XX.</h2> + + +<p>Just as the Buccaneer was about to start upon his round of calls, the +snowy white sails of a large ship were to be seen gliding, as it seemed, +over the fields that hemmed in his principal river; the hull of the +stranger being hidden by a bend. From her mast-head flew a star-spangled +banner, and the well-known strains of Yankee Doodle came floating up on +the southerly breeze. "Ah!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, "Here comes +Jonathan, our cheap-Jack cousin: been home to refit and reload I +suppose." Presently a long black hull with a good sheer forward came, as +it were, out of the low lying land below the city.</p> + +<p>In days long gone by, such a suspicious looking craft would have made +the bold Buccaneer beat to quarters, when out would have gone his guns, +but times had greatly changed, and pirates of the open and declared type +were not to be seen on Western waters. The black flag with death's head +and cross-bones is never boldly run up now to the mast-head as in the +good brave days of old. It frightens people. So all robberies both on +sea and land are done under more respectable looking flags; and very +much more genteelly. No walking the plank, no running up to the yard +arm. Now a whole crew are sent to the bottom of the sea at a single +shot, and there is an end of them.</p> + +<p>The stranger finding a comfortable berth, rounded to, as sailors say. +Splash went her anchor, rattle, rattle went her chain. Down came the +yards, clewlines and buntlines were well manned, and up went the snowy +sails. The nimble seaman scudded up aloft, and rolled up the canvas, and +everything was trimmed down, and hauled taught, and his yards squared in +proper ship-shape fashion. "Bravo, Jonathan!" cried the Buccaneer. +"Nearly as well done as I could have done it myself. True chip of the +old block; eh! Dogvane?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir: and at driving a bargain, or getting the better of a friend, +our Jonathan has not an equal."</p> + +<p>Presently a boat impelled by lusty arms and hands shot round the stern +of the old ship, and brought up alongside, and a tall lanky fellow with +a big pack on his back stepped on deck. In an easy tone of familiarity +he saluted the old Buccaneer. "Wa'al, old hoss, how are things with +you?"</p> + +<p>"Pretty well, Jonathan; pretty well," replied the Buccaneer.</p> + +<p>"Glad to hear it; heard things wasn't quite O.K. Ever taste O.K. +bitters? No! Wa'al, they would just revive a corpse, O.K. bitters would, +you bet. Let us deal," he said as he took his pack off, and began laying +his merchandise out on the deck. "I say, Boss, could you make it +convenient to have this aire stream of yours widened? It puts me more in +mind of one of our drains than anything else."</p> + +<p>The old Buccaneer was highly indignant at his principal river being +spoken of in such a disrespectful manner, and he replied with much +dignity: "My river, Master Jonathan, is good enough for me, and if it is +too narrow for other people, they can stay away."</p> + +<p>"No offence, Boss, no offence. It does look small after our Mississippi, +that would be an eye-opener for you, old hoss. But this ain't business. +Now, here we have a lozenge that will cure anything, from a cough to a +broken leg. Here's a pill fit to physic creation. Honest sailor," he +said, addressing Dogvane, "try this pill. It will make your hair stand +on end. Take a box for the sake of your family. Each pill is worth a +pound, let you have a whole box for one shilling and a penny ha'penny. +You have a son, a hopeful boy, give him a pill, if not a pill, try him +with this pickle, it will sharpen his understanding and make him a +credit to his family. Just you ask who cured Stonewall Jackson?" Dogvane +declared he did not want anything; but Jonathan still cried up his +wares. "Try this cocktail before going to bed, it will make your teeth +curl. Talking about teeth; in teeth I guess we're tall. Now here is a +set that one of your ecclesiastical big guns has asked God's blessing +on, and they're up a quarter dollar accordingly."</p> + +<p>"Jonathan!" the Buccaneer said, "I have long wished to have a little +private conversation with you."</p> + +<p>"All right, Boss, I thought something was up, chuck it off your chest, +whatever it is, it will relieve you."</p> + +<p>"I don't think it either neighbourly, or friendly, Jonathan, on your +part to harbour people who plot against my life and property."</p> + +<p>"What! Have you found out, old hoss, that snakes bite! You've harboured +a good deal of vermin in your day, and you can't blame me for doing what +you have done yourself. No, Sirree, that cock won't fight. Why, you've +given an asylum to the cut-throat rascals of every nation under the sun, +and when you could not find room for them, you have sent them over to +me."</p> + +<p>"I have only given an asylum, Jonathan, to the oppressed."</p> + +<p>"That is only one way of looking at it, Boss. Too fine a name for a +fellow with a bowie knife up his sleeve, and a six-shooter in his +pocket; if he cries 'hands up,' old man, where are you? But this ain't +business, honest sailor," here he again addressed Dogvane. "Buy this +baby jumper for the missis. It will rock your child to sleep, wake it in +the morning, wash it, dress it, slap it and feed it, and all for a few +dollars. You have a son? No father of a family should be without this +article." Then turning to the Buccaneer he said, "I reckon my gals are +leaving your gals standing. They are just taking away all the cream of +your men. Now, here's a notion, that may be will mend matters, try a +cargo of these patent palpitating bosoms. They are warranted to go; they +are as natural as life, and ever so much more convenient, for they can +be taken off at night and put on in the morning. They never increase, +and not like some cheap kind of article, you never see them under the +shoulder, at the back, instead of in their proper places in front; buy a +pair on trial."</p> + +<p>"Stay, Master Jonathan, let us settle one thing at a time. Is it right +for you to let the Ojabberaways hatch their infernal plots against me in +your country?"</p> + +<p>"Look here, old hoss, the Ojabberaways are blowers; then let them blow. +It satisfies the darned skunks, and it don't hurt you. It aint safe in +these high pressure times to sit upon your safety-valve. Let 'em blow +off."</p> + +<p>"I don't mind their blowing off, Jonathan; but I object to the skunks, +as you call them, blowing up. As for blowing off; why, my parks and +public places, are regular blow-holes, where democrats, demagogues, +socialists, and blasphemers may, and do, howl themselves hoarse."</p> + +<p>"It don't seem to me, old hoss, that you are altogether boss of your +show. You are trying to run your ryal car on a democratic gauge, and +you'll either run off the track or you'll bust your biler. But this +ain't business, won't you buy? Honest sailor, here's a knife that will +lick creation; and here's a watch—I reckon we are pretty big in +watches. This child of nature is just leaving the rest of the world +standing." Jonathan seeing that he could do no business, said, as he +packed up his things: "Trade does seem dull; but I'll just look round +shore. This island of yours is so darned small, and your cliffs are so +high, that it is dangerous to walk after nightfall. You should just come +over to our side of the water; you'd see something like a patch of land, +you bet." Jonathan went forward to see if he could do any business +amongst the crew. The carpenter wanted to deal with him in nails; then +the cook wanted to clear out the Buccaneer's lumber-room; and the +packman said that for a duke or two, or a couple of lords he would +spring some dollars; for that he had none in his country, and +accordingly they were very highly esteemed. He did love a lord. Then he +wanted to exchange a dozen brow-beating barristers for one incorruptible +judge; but the cook, the carpenter, and Billy Cheeks, the butcher, all +said, that of brow-beating barristers, their old man had enough and to +spare, and they could not part with any of their judges. As the +cheap-Jack went over the ship's side, he said he had, he feared, +mistaken the latitude and longitude, for he thought by the way things +were going, he must be in the neighbourhood of Jerusalem. When he got +ashore he had still greater reason for thinking this, for the Hebrew +element was so strong that he declared there was little chance of an +honest man getting a living. Many of the Jews tried to modernize their +names, but do what they would, they could not change their natures.</p> + +<p>Just as Jonathan, the packman, was stepping into his boat, the cook +looked through one of the port-holes and asked him if he had any need +for the Buccaneer's lion. Jonathan said he thought the animal was not +sound, but the cook declared that he was; only a little out of wind, +having done a good deal of roaring in his day. Jonathan offered in +exchange a skunk, which he declared was a most useful and valuable +animal, respected alike by friends and enemies; but they could not deal.</p> + +<p>Soon the voice of the cheap-Jack was heard mingling with the others on +shore. The Ojabberaways, though they bought little, and sold still less, +received a good many of Jonathan's almighty dollars, and as long as they +lasted they were likely enough to love him and be friends.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXI" id="CHAPTER_XXI"></a>CHAPTER XXI.</h2> + + +<p>The clack, clack of a windlass was heard one fine morning sounding over +the waters of the river that hurried by the Buccaneer's chief city. +Alas! the merry songs of his seamen, as they hove in the slack of their +chains was no longer to be heard. Their cheering "Yo, heave ho!" was but +a faint memory of the past. No cloud of sails was spread to catch the +breath of the north wind; but the vessel moved stealthily down the +river, leaving behind her a muddy wake and above a long winding black +serpent of smoke.</p> + +<p>Great changes had come over this old Buccaneer. Neither he, nor his +ships were anything like what they were in the good old past. The past +that we are always looking back to with such loving and longing eyes. +Those huge wooden castles that had borne his flag to so many victories +had been towed long ago to their last moorings. But ah! things change, +and mountains even, if not moved by faith, are constantly being altered +by that persistent worker, time. People looked back with regret to those +grand old wooden walls, with their tier upon tier of guns; but it was +all in vain. Science had condemned them. Amidst all the change that was +constantly going on, there was one thing on board of the old Ship of +State that bound the Buccaneer to the past. She was still impelled by +wind, and consequently was not a rapid sailer. The Church Hulk alongside +her, was also propelled in a similar manner, but considering the gales +of wind that sometimes swept her decks she was a slow mover.</p> + +<p>Away went the Buccaneer in his steam yacht, old Dogvane, of course, +being at the helm. The cox'sn, however, for reasons already mentioned, +was left behind. The captain's face did not wear an expression of +happiness, but then he was one of those who take their pleasures +seriously, and sometimes even in a melancholy manner; and often when he +looked his saddest he was enjoying himself most. To judge from +appearances, people might be pardoned if they thought that he and his +master were bent upon some mournful errand, such as the burying of some +dear departed friend.</p> + +<p>But to return to the wonder-stricken people who lined the shore. Many +were the questions asked and many were the answers given. Though our +brave old Buccaneer hated anything secret, more especially in other +people, yet he himself conducted all his public affairs by a secret +council; being driven to do so, perhaps, by necessity. Then the reason +for this sudden and somewhat mysterious departure was left open to all +kinds of conjecture, some saying one thing, some another.</p> + +<p>"What is in the wind now?" asked one. "Is the old man steering for peace +or for war?"</p> + +<p>"Ah!" cried another, "perhaps his spirit is at last aroused. Heaven only +knows he has slept long enough!"</p> + +<p>"The barking of curs, my lads," said a third, "does not disturb the +slumber or the dignity of a bull-dog. Fighting, mates, it may be; for +those who won't fight will fall."</p> + +<p>The young hands looked hopeful and the hot blood mounted to their +cheeks, for they had heard and read of fights by sea and land, and of +the doughty deeds done by their forefathers, and they longed, too, for +the fray. There was life in these young sea whelps yet. It was said that +the wanton, Luxury, had touched them gently with the velvet tips of her +fingers, but so far she had not taken away their manhood and put them to +lie on downy beds scented with the perfume of flowers. No, no, she had +not gone as far as that, and though the Buccaneer's women, some of them, +had become masculine, his men had not surrendered up their position to +them just yet.</p> + +<p>The young expressed their hopes, the old men shook their heads. The +Ojabberaways were wild with delight, and hoped that their tyrant master, +as they called him, would get so embroiled that they might have a chance +of shaking themselves free. Then, as many thought, there would be merry +times indeed for those who lived in the green and fertile isle of the +West.</p> + +<p>The Ojabberaways now behaved themselves in a manner so peculiarly their +own, that there was every prospect of a free fight. The leaders, or paid +patriots as they were called, took up a strong position, behind whatever +natural objects presented themselves, and from these points of vantage +they commenced pelting their opponents with strong personal abuse. Of +this they always kept a large supply ready on hand. Wise counsels +prevailed, and the blood of the young Buccaneers was cooled down, and so +a row was avoided and all attention was again directed to the head of +the family and his doings. "Mates!" cried one sturdy fellow, "it's not +for fighting he has gone with Captain William Dogvane on board. More +likely he has gone to beg some person's pardon for some idle words +spoken, or may be he's gone to hand over some patch of land that we got +in fair and open fight. But let that pass, conscience becomes tender as +a man grows old."</p> + +<p>Here a square built old sailor with a patch over his left eye, and who +was minus an arm and a leg cried out, "Who would spill his blood and +stand the chance of being knocked on the head, if he thought that all he +got in fair and open fight was to be given back, because a tender +conscience pules and whines. Look at me, mates! The glim of one of my +skylights is dousted, and is battened down for ever. My timber too I've +lost, and have I been lopped of my branches for nothing? All, forsooth, +because an old man's conscience pricks. Damme, lads! there's no justice +in the like o' that. Do our neighbours give up what they have grabbed? +not they; more likely to put the pistol to your head, as in days of old, +and cry out, 'Stand and deliver?' That's the way of the world, mates, +and we must not set up to be better than other folk. Haven't I a vested +interest in the old man's conquests to the extent of one arm, a leg and +an eye? Then damme, make all fast, say I!"</p> + +<p>Another said, "The old Buccaneer is more fitted now to carry the staff +of a pilgrim than the pistol and cutlass of a pirate."</p> + +<p>"Vast heaving, my mates," cried a voice from the crowd, "no hard names +if you please. Our master's buccaneering days are over, and there is +something so unsavoury about the name of a pirate, lads, that the word +is now never used in good society. As to whether any little bit of +business in that way is done on the sly, it is not for us to say. The +wise man's eye is not always open; but his mouth, my hearties, is +generally shut, so let us wait and see what comes of our master's +peregrination." This was all that the old coxswain contributed at this +particular part of the proceedings.</p> + +<p>The Port Watch said there was no remedy for anything, but a shift of +watches. Some even advocated a sudden raid on the old Ship, and by +taking her by surprise to effect their purpose. Random Jack was for +doing this, and he declared his readiness to lead the assault, and his +courage was very much applauded, and not at all doubted. He was becoming +a great favourite amongst the people, who had still so much of the old +stuff left in them that they could appreciate pluck in any one. Just as +they were going to put their plan to the trial, a soft sound of music +came over the water. Music, it is known, has charms to soothe. Some +uncovered their heads reverently for they thought it was the evening +song coming from the old Church Hulk; but they were all very much +disappointed when they found out that it was only the cook accompanying +himself on his barrel organ to a hymn strung to his own praise.</p> + +<p>This showed that the watch were not asleep. At the same time a spark, as +bright as a diamond, rested, as it were, on the bulwark of the old Ship +of State. This was caused by the rays of the setting sun impinging upon +the glass eye of the carpenter. The burly butcher, fly flapper in hand, +all ready for action, could also be seen. This made Random Jack +thoughtful. Random Jack remembered the butcher's instrument of torture +and he rubbed a part that had been more than once affected, and as he +did so, he said that in his opinion things were not quite ripe for +action, so the assault fell through, and the old Ship was allowed to +ride peacefully at anchor. Hereupon the old coxswain took the +opportunity of delivering an oration. "Mates!" he said, "let us do +nothing rashly. Hasty actions often require much time for repentance. +If so be that you can shift watches by fair means, do so; but give old +Bill Dogvane a fair chance. He is an old hand, and an able steersman, +and he has weathered many a storm." There was now a great outcry against +the coxswain; he was called a traitor; a follower of Bill's; a carpet +bag full of old wives' sayings; a bladder full of wind and such like +things; one who, if he was struck on one cheek, would turn the other. +All this abuse got old Jack Commonsense's back up, as the saying is, and +whipping out an oath or two, he exclaimed: "Damme mates! I hope as how I +am as good a Christian as the best of you, and as ready as any of you to +do my duty to my God and my neighbour; but the man who strikes me, +damme! I strike him back, or my name is not Jack Commonsense. Look you +now: do you think if any of you blustering, railing lubbers, were to +board the old Church Hulk there and strike, say, the High Priest on one +cheek, that he would straightway turn the other? If you think so, go and +try the experiment; I, for one, ain't agoing to. Mates! have we ever +fought our enemies, that our clergy, God bless them! did not bless us, +and pray for us? And while we fought with sword and pistol did they not +fight for us with their spiritual weapons? Example, my mates, is the +best precept, and our Church has never yet taught us in that way that +fighting is wrong; or that too much meekness, except from outsiders, is +to be very highly commended." When the old coxswain got upon his legs it +was hard to get him down and every stump was to him a pulpit. He +continued, "God forbid! that I should be a bully, going about the world +seeking quarrels with the weak; but God grant, my lads, that I maybe +ever ready to lead you all on against the attacks of the strong, who +threaten us, and a young woman as I keep company with will be well to +the fore, and if you are not found ready to follow old Jack and the +beggar woman, then, my lads, make ready your necks for the yoke of the +foreign invader. And it is old Jack Commonsense that says so."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXII" id="CHAPTER_XXII"></a>CHAPTER XXII.</h2> + + +<p>We are in these degenerate days singularly unfortunate in many ways. Our +means of excitement are nothing like what they used to be. The +Buccaneer's island was no exception to the general rule. Indeed time +seems to have handled him very roughly. Not that he was altogether free +from surprises. Occasionally an idiot obtained possession of a pistol, +and either tried to commit or did commit a murder. Then at times a man +was knocked down, kicked and robbed, whilst the mighty house-breaker +prowled about with pistol and crowbar in search of plunder. It is also +true that the Ojabberaways did all they could in the way of providing +excitement of a lively nature for the benefit of the old Buccaneer and +all his people; but gone were his highwaymen. The vulgar thief alone +remained. A mutiny at sea, with the murder of a crew, was a thing of the +past. Yet we have to relate a dark conspiracy, which will be for ever +known as the Cabal of the Cook's Caboose, and which might have been +productive of the gravest results. Mention has already been made of a +slight defection amongst a certain section of the crew.</p> + +<p>It was past eight bells, and the midnight watch had been set +sufficiently long to allow all the look-out men to take up their +positions of repose. Not a sound was to be heard upon the old Ship of +State except the heavy breathing of the watchman aloft and the +monotonous tread of the look-out man aft, who had not as yet secured a +comfortable place to pass his watch in. The Church Hulk was wrapped in a +deep sleep and the Buccaneer's Chief Priest, with all his ecclesiastical +big guns, minor canons, able priests, and ordinary deacons, were fondly +locked in slumber's arms. They kept no visible look-out, but angels with +their silver wings, it was firmly believed by all devout Buccaneers, +hovered over that old ship at night and kept the devil and all his +minions away. It was only when the dusky mantle of midnight rested upon +the island that silence ever reigned supreme upon that old Church Hulk.</p> + +<p>The look-out man on deck hailed the look-out man aloft. "What, ho +there!" he cried. "Watchman! what of the night?" The man up aloft had +evidently been deeply meditating, for something very like a yawn broke +the stillness of the air, but presently a voice came down laden with the +words: "All's well! The twinkling eyes of Heaven look down upon a world +wrapped in peaceful slumber. All's well!"</p> + +<p>"All's well," went up from below in reply, and again there was a great +stillness. The eyes of all the houses on shore except one here and there +which sat watching for the setting out of some poor weary soul to the +regions that lie beyond the grave, were out. The dog that generally +breaks the stillness of the night on such occasions was also silent; +probably asleep. The wind even had folded her wings and had ceased to +sing her lullaby to the accompaniment of her many stringed lute.</p> + +<p>Presently a crouching form was to be seen creeping stealthily under the +starboard side of the old Ship of State. The suspicious looking object +who was enveloped in the dark cloak and slouched hat usually worn by +conspirators and hired no doubt for the occasion, made for the cook's +galley, and in a voice scarcely above a whisper, exclaimed: "Pepper!"</p> + +<p>"Is that you, Chips?" came from the caboose.</p> + +<p>"The same," was the reply.</p> + +<p>"Where are the rest?" asked the cook.</p> + +<p>"They will be here directly," the carpenter said, as he darted into the +galley. Scarcely had he got well inside than his mate joined him, and +shortly afterwards the burly form of Billy Cheeks, the butcher, was seen +trying to conceal himself under the bulwarks. "Keep down, can't you?" +cried the cook. "You'll have the look-out man see you."</p> + +<p>"Can't help it if he does; can't make myself any smaller than nature +made me," replied the butcher. "If I was as small as you, or a ringbolt +chaser like Chips, I might be able to do it." This was sarcasm. The +butcher loved sarcasm; but the cheery cook turned it off by saying that +Chips, and Chisel, his mate, must spokeshave Billy Cheeks down to the +ordinary and usual size of a conspirator. As the butcher did not see +anything funny in this he did not laugh; and so the joke fell like a +dead shell, quite harmless. But the cook, the carpenter, and his mate +said that Billy Cheeks was far too big for a conspirator.</p> + +<p>All was pitch dark inside the cook's caboose. The fire had long since +been out, and it would not have been safe to strike a light. No doubt +they had their dark lanterns, for conspirators would not be fully +equipped without them, but for some reason best known to themselves, +they did not for the present produce them.</p> + +<p>"Your programme!" cried the butcher, who generally came at once to the +point.</p> + +<p>"Listen, my lads, and you shall hear," exclaimed the carpenter. "The old +man being away and the captain with him, we must make this the high tide +of our prosperity, and carry out as pretty a little scheme as ever +entered the head of man, although I say it, as should not. The old +coxswain is ashore amongst the landlubbers, so we have nothing to fear +from him. For the rest of the crew on board belonging to our watch, +well, if they will not join us, why, Billy, my man, you must do your +duty. First and foremost we must lighten ship."</p> + +<p>"That is easily done," said the cook, "by flinging overboard bodily the +old man's Upper Chamber." It is wonderful what a hatred the cook had for +this room in the after part of the old ship. He himself said it was on +account of their ignorance, want of intelligence, class prejudice, and +the airs and graces they gave themselves.</p> + +<p>"As you all know, my mates," continued the carpenter, "things ain't as +they ought to be on board this old craft; she is much too slow for the +times. When a coat becomes too old to wear, what do we do? why, chuck it +away."</p> + +<p>The jolly little cook now had his say. "Without a doubt the old ship is +too bluff bowed for the rapid times we live in, and is more fit to drive +piles than to make way against the swift current of events. So, my lads, +I am for seizing the ship, and my little game—"</p> + +<p>"What is that?" cried the butcher, as he laid his trembling hand upon +the carpenter's arm.</p> + +<p>"What is what?" exclaimed the carpenter, slightly startled. "Can't you +give Pepper time to explain himself. Hurry no man's cattle, is an old +and good proverb."</p> + +<p>"I heard a noise outside, as if someone was moving," said the butcher.</p> + +<p>"Then take a look round, Billy," said the carpenter.</p> + +<p>"I am too big," said the butcher, with a sneer, which was felt, though +on account of the darkness it was not seen. "Let Pepper go; he is the +smallest; no one will see him, and if they do they will take no notice." +This was veiled sarcasm, but the cook thought it better not to notice +it, because he knew the butcher could not help it.</p> + +<p>"Let every man stick to his trade," said the cook, "my place is inside +the galley and not out."</p> + +<p>Then up spoke the doughty carpenter. "What, my lads! is quaking fear +going to be present at our councils? Look at me. I am not afraid." As it +was pitch dark, of course nobody could see. "Chisel, my lad," he said, +addressing his mate, "show these fellows the stuff you are made of."</p> + +<p>"And why should I do what others won't?" replied Chisel. "It is no more +my business than it is the cook's, and every man to his trade, say I, +too."</p> + +<p>"Why don't you take a look round yourself?" cried the butcher.</p> + +<p>"Of course I will. Thus!" exclaimed the carpenter, "does conscience make +cowards of ye all." Having delivered himself of the quotation, he took a +hasty glance through the little square hole that acted as a window in +the back part of the galley, and said there was nothing. "I knew that," +said the cook. "That is why I did not take the trouble to look; but this +is a grievous waste of precious time." "Well, my lads," the carpenter +continued, ignoring the fact that the cook was, as the saying is, in +possession of the house, or rather, galley. "First and foremost we must +seize this old craft, run her ashore, break her up, and build a spic and +span new one, upon entirely new lines. We will take a hint here and a +hint there. In such a thing our friend Jonathan would not be a bad man +to go by. Then we will board the old ship alongside, and make her +disgorge, for the general good, some of her accumulated plunder. She is +worth a pretty plum I can tell you. Been hoarding up for ages, and yet +she is always crying out poverty. Bah! there must be something wrong +somewhere, or where does all the money go? She does not apparently give +too much of it amongst the poorer part of her crew; but as she renders +no accounts we are all in the dark, my lads. It is a busy buzzing hive +of drones, though."</p> + +<p>"As you say, Master Chips," said the cook. "She does not seem to give +much of her stored up wealth to her poor brethren, and Heaven knows that +the priestly gabardine too often covers an empty stomach, while others +amongst them lead the lives of a Dives. Does poverty and penury find +clothing or food out of her riches? Not a bit of it. Too many of her +crew, are they not proud? Have they not made an exclusive and an +aristocratic high-cast priesthood of themselves?"</p> + +<p>"So wags the world, my mates; so wags the world," cried the carpenter. +"While one suffers from repletion, another starves. But that old Hulk is +now out of date, and she will cut up well you may be sure. Having +plundered her, and given every ecclesiastical dog a bone—no offence to +the sacred calling—we will bore a hole in her and let her sink. Then, +when we are well across the bridge that connects her with this old +craft, Chisel, my mate, shall saw the bridge through, and thus lay a +trap for the rats; let them either sink or swim."</p> + +<p>"Rats, they say," remarked the cook, as he handled his three-pronged +toasting-fork, "always leave a sinking ship, and the ecclesiastical rat +will prove, I expect, no exception to the rule."</p> + +<p>"Honest Pepper!" cried the carpenter, "you speak, as you always do, like +a book."</p> + +<p>"I've some doubt on my mind, which I should like cleared up before we go +any further," said the butcher.</p> + +<p>"Out with it, Billy, my man, out with it," exclaimed the carpenter. +"Your chest is big, but no doubt it will be the better for being +lightened, and an empty house is better than a bad tenant, any day of +the week."</p> + +<p>"Well, you talked about running this craft ashore, and then turning your +attention to the Church Hulk; but if you do that, what is the use of +sawing the bridge in two. The bridge would be the plank we should have +to walk; with nothing but a drop of some fathoms deep into the pit we +had dug for ourselves."</p> + +<p>"Or rather the water, Billy," said the cook, who loved his joke.</p> + +<p>"That little error can easily be rectified by our settling with the +Church Hulk first; but these are mere details. The workers, my lads, +shall have their reward; and the clerical Lazarus shall sit down at the +same table as the clerical Dives."</p> + +<p>"But robbing a church," said the butcher, "is about the last thing a +fellow ought to do, is it not?"</p> + +<p>"The end, Billy, will justify the means," the carpenter remarked.</p> + +<p>"Our master, the Buccaneer," said the cook, "was not above robbing a +church once, and who will say he did wrong? Of course his +conscience-healers will find justification for the act if he pays them +well, and as they read history by the light of faith, and not altogether +by facts, they can prove all things entirely to their own satisfaction, +and what would have been an act of robbery in others, would be, when +they were concerned, a most laudable action. Faith, as is well known, my +mates, can work wonders, and it can overcome a mountain of the most +obstinate facts with the greatest ease."</p> + +<p>"But suppose they turn to and curse us," asked the butcher, who +evidently had some qualms of conscience.</p> + +<p>"And suppose they do," cried the cook. "Are we a lot of old women to be +frightened by such things. Know you not the saying, Billy, that curses +come home to roost? Let them curse then."</p> + +<p>"Where is Chisel?" the carpenter asked.</p> + +<p>"I am here," a voice said out of the darkness.</p> + +<p>"Not hearing you, mate, I thought you must have slipped away."</p> + +<p>"It appears to me," replied the carpenter's mate, "that there is little +need for me to say much, considering that I am expected to do all the +dirty work."</p> + +<p>"Who will say that anything is dirty work?" replied the cook. "The +worker purifies and elevates the work." Pepper was a philosopher. The +carpenter continued, "Mates, rest assured of this; if it suits the +Buccaneer to sacrifice his Church Ship, he will do it, for he has an +elastic conscience, which he will satisfy by saying prayers before and +after the act. And as for Dogvane, well, he will wait to see which way +the cat jumps. If he sees the time has come, why, then, the State Church +will be cast adrift. It is not the first time that old William has +robbed a church. I am not the man to say he did a wrong. Why should the +Church Hulk be kept moored alongsides of the old craft? All well enough +when she ruled the roast; but now more than two hundred sects are +outside her jurisdiction, and the Chief Priest and other officers under +him cannot at all times keep the unruly crew in order. They have their +mutinies, and their interior economy does not seem to be just as it +should be; so, my lads, she will either have to mend her ways or end +them, as has been said of another of our master's ancient +establishments."</p> + +<p>"Which, my mates," said the cook, "you may leave to me. I will have my +knife into the Upper Chamber yet."</p> + +<p>"After duty comes pleasure," continued the carpenter. "Having settled +the Church Hulk we must turn our attention to old Squire Broadacre. His +house is in a terrible state, and must be put in order. We must pare +down his property a bit, for there is a family called Hodge, a good, +decent, honest, and industrious, though perhaps ignorant lot, who are +but poorly off. It is the squire's duty to look after this family; but, +mates, it is well known that selfishness fills hell."</p> + +<p>"But do you suppose that the Buccaneer is going to allow all this to be +done?" exclaimed the butcher.</p> + +<p>"It appears to me, mates," replied the carpenter, "that our friend Billy +is going to throw cold water on all our plans."</p> + +<p>"What is the use of our assembling here," asked the butcher, "if we are +not allowed to speak?"</p> + +<p>"Who wants to stop your speaking?" exclaimed the carpenter. "I certainly +am not going to undertake the task, I can tell you. Our master must be +talked and wheedled over, and as for old Dogvane, well, we all know that +he has a damned tender conscience. (The oath must be pardoned. The best +of carpenters, and all sailors, swear at times.) Look here, mates, I +fancy I know as much about Captain Dogvane as most men. If he wants a +thing done, and if so be that he has set his heart upon it, bang goes +his conscience in that direction. Never was there a conscience under +better control. It says to the captain's inclination, 'which way does my +master want me to go, so that his servant may obey him?' Never yet did +Dogvane's conscience prove him wrong, and he is at all times on the best +of terms with it. Look you, our captain will say neither yea nor nay, +and he will use so many words in saying so, that everyone will be at +loggerheads, quarrelling over what he means, when in all probability he +means nothing; but is only waiting to see which way the wind is going to +blow."</p> + +<p>Here the cook spoke: "I have great faith in the old man; but if he does +not go with us, what then? All the talent is not in one head, and as for +his first lieutenant, and one or two others, we can afford to lose them. +They are too slow for the times."</p> + +<p>"Lads, in cases like this," cried the carpenter, "we must not mince +matters; and if the worst comes to the worst Billy Cheeks must do his +duty."</p> + +<p>The paleness of the butcher at these ominous words was concealed. There +was a terrible hidden meaning in what the carpenter said, and it made +the butcher's flesh creep and his blood run cold.</p> + +<p>"I am at all times prepared to do my duty," the butcher said, "at +fly-flapping the tail end of a Tory cockerel, or at stopping the cackle +of the older birds, I will give way to no man; but I love the old +captain, and I would not injure a hair of his venerable head on any +account. As we all know, he is but lightly covered."</p> + +<p>"Who wants you to injure his hair?" cried the carpenter. "Do you think +we want you to be ship's barber as well as ship's butcher?" The +carpenter, who began to fear that he had gone too far, thought it best +to trim a bit, and therefore he advised the butcher not to be so sharp +in coming to conclusions. "Of course," he said, "it's natural that you +should put a professional aspect on things."</p> + +<p>"There!" cried the butcher in alarm, "I heard the noise again."</p> + +<p>"Then go and see what it is," the carpenter said in disgust.</p> + +<p>"Ah! It makes no difference to me," the butcher replied. "If you other +fellows did not hear it, I must have been mistaken." The cook, the +carpenter, and Chisel his mate were extremely gratified at this generous +admission on the part of the butcher, and they one and all said they +never could remember the time when Billy Cheeks had owned himself in the +wrong before. The carpenter was quite softened. Even Pepper was touched, +and they all hoped that it augured no ill to the butcher, for sudden +changes in disposition and character are often the unwelcome harbingers +of speedy dissolution. They strongly advised Billy Cheeks to consult his +medical man. This painful episode for the time quite damped the spirits +of the conspirators. "If anything happens to you, Billy, where would you +like to be buried?" the cook asked. They left the butcher to think the +matter over, and after a while the carpenter continued: "Having got +possession of everything, we will all live happily together ever +afterwards." The butcher, who had recovered himself asked, "How about +the old lion which keeps watch over the Buccaneer's affairs?"</p> + +<p>"Your hand, Billy," cried the carpenter groping about in the dark, "I +see you are better, and have taken up your character again of Chief +Obstructionist. If you don't like to join our party, go over to the +other watch. They are in want of men of substance."</p> + +<p>"Why do you catch one up so precious sharp?" cried the butcher, +irritated. "I suppose there is no harm in asking a simple question? Who +wants to go over to the other watch? Haven't I always stood by you and +Pepper, and defended you when you were both blackguarded and abused? One +would think you two were the Buccaneer's darlings, but you are neither +of you liked, though people may laugh at you, Pepper. What is the use of +my being here, if I am to keep my mouth shut? Chisel may act the part of +a dummy if he likes, but I will not."</p> + +<p>"Messmate, your hand," cried the carpenter again. "No offence, old man. +We are in the same boat, therefore we must pull together. There is an +old adage that applies to us."</p> + +<p>"It is no use our quarrelling over trifles," said the cook. "The old +lion is asleep: or out of wind, and he is just about as harmless as if +he were stuffed with hair or straw, and no one fears him now let him +roar ever so loud."</p> + +<p>"But to ease your mind, Billy," said the carpenter, "my mate shall draw +his teeth and cut his claws."</p> + +<p>"And pray why should I have all the dirty and dangerous work to do?" +said Chisel again.</p> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed the carpenter, in evident surprise. "Are you going to +take a leaf out of the butcher's book, mate! It seems we commented upon +your silence too soon; but if you are afraid to do the work; well let +his teeth and claws remain. Thus the difficulty is got over with ease. +After all, it is only a detail, and we will not come to loggerheads over +a detail."</p> + +<p>"There it is again," cried the butcher, "I swear I saw something like a +hand spread out fan-shape towards me. The thumb was from me, and seemed +attached to a human nose."</p> + +<p>This was very terrible, and the conspirators felt a creepy sensation all +over them. But the cook reassured them all, by saying, that very often +people, whose stomachs were out of order, suffered from optical +delusions. He said he felt sure Billy Cheeks must have eaten something +that had disagreed with him; so they took no further notice, and +proceeded with the business of the evening.</p> + +<p>"Of course we shall want assistance; but we can count upon the +Ojabberaways, they are always ready for anything in the shape of a row. +They have their price, then we shall have the Hodges, and the Sikes with +us. They are all ripe for action. Now another thing presents itself. We +must have a head, no body can get along without a head."</p> + +<p>"Some seem to get along very well without such a thing," said the cook. +This also was sarcasm. The cook loved it, and his tongue it was said was +as sharp as needles. "Well, my mates," he continued, "of course we must +have a head; but mind you, let us have no hereditary fool to fill the +office; and no baubles in the shape of crowns and court paraphernalia, +no court flunkies, my lads, to eat the bread of idleness, no court +pimps. I am dead against crowns. They are expensive articles, no matter +upon whose head they rest. Kings too often are little better than blood +suckers, and blood spillers, and all by the grace of God forsooth."</p> + +<p>The subject of a head for the new commonwealth, or whatever it was to be +called, was of so grave a nature that for some few minutes not one of +the conspirators spoke. Evidently each one was revolving in his own mind +as to upon whom the selection ought to fall, and no doubt each could +have solved the momentous question to his own entire satisfaction; but +modesty kept their thoughts locked up. Presently the carpenter spoke.</p> + +<p>"It's a detail," he said. They all agreed, and so the matter dropped, +not, however, before there had been a slight passage of arms between the +carpenter and the cook. "Of course," said Chips, "you are out of the +question, Pepper?"</p> + +<p>"And why so, pray?" was the indignant reply. "I didn't say I would take +the post if it were offered me; for I am not like some people I could +mention, of an ambitious turn of mind. No matter who falls, so long as +they mount." This must have hit the carpenter very hard.</p> + +<p>"Whoever heard of a cook being made a ruler?" the carpenter asked.</p> + +<p>"For the matter of that, whoever heard of a carpenter?" said the cook.</p> + +<p>"Why Pepper, my lad, where's your schooling? Does not a carpenter's son, +and one who was a carpenter himself rule the whole Christian World? But +that is neither here nor there. You are too small; you would not command +respect."</p> + +<p>"Now I am surprised to hear a man of your ability, Chips, talk such +utter nonsense. You seem to judge men as a butcher does his meat, by the +pound. That is the sort of thing perhaps a woman might do. If that is to +be your little game, you had better hoist Billy Cheeks up at once; he is +not exactly a skeleton, and, no doubt, he would fill the place as well +as any one else."</p> + +<p>"No offence, Pepper, no offence, mate; it is a detail," said the +carpenter.</p> + +<p>"Then let it be a detail; and I care not who you hoist over us, so long +as our head is neither expensive nor too highly gilded. But mind you, +the lumber room must go."</p> + +<p>They all agreed that this was a sensible way of looking at things, and +to appease the cook, no doubt, they would there and then have lightened +the ship by flinging over the whole of the Buccaneer's House of Lords, +but the heavy tread of the watchman aft made them abandon the idea for +the present; but as that ancient hereditary institution had fallen under +the cook's displeasure, it was not likely that it could survive such a +thing for long.</p> + +<p>"What are we to do with our foreign relations?" asked the carpenter's +mate.</p> + +<p>"Ah! Chisel, my lad, you are coming to the front," said the carpenter.</p> + +<p>"What have we to do with foreign relations?" the cook asked. "Let them +mind their own business, and we will mind ours."</p> + +<p>"The unfortunate thing is," said the butcher, "that they won't mind +their own business; no people will." The butcher gave another start and +declared he heard the mysterious sound at the back of the galley.</p> + +<p>"Well, Billy!" the carpenter exclaimed, "for a big man, you have about +the smallest heart of any man I ever met."</p> + +<p>Thus did the conspirators settle the affairs of the Buccaneer's nation. +But now another and most unmistakable sound saluted their ears. A cock +crowed loud and long. It is a well-known fact that neither spirits nor +conspirators can stand this sort of thing. "Ah!" cried the carpenter, +"there goes the shrill herald of the morn." Conspirators generally speak +in this florid manner. "The day has returned too soon. You have much to +answer for, Billy; for by your incessant interruptions you have +squandered our precious time. But no matter. My lads, one little thing +before we part. We shall want money. We cannot get on without the +needful. It is money that makes the old mare go."</p> + +<p>"I have a scheme here," cried the cook, "of raising the necessary wind."</p> + +<p>"Quick, Pepper, my man, where is that lamp of yours you are so fond of +flaunting before the eyes of people in the broad light of day. The torch +of Truth you call it."</p> + +<p>"Ah! Master Chips, the light of that lamp is only shed on other people's +business. It would never do here."</p> + +<p>It could never for a moment be supposed that these conspirators had not +their dark lanterns; and presently one was produced from the ample folds +of somebody's cloak, and they all stooped down as the cook unrolled his +plan and the light from the dark lantern fell upon the eager faces of +Billy Cheeks, the carpenter, his mate, and the cook.</p> + +<p>"Time, mates, is short, so I come to the point. This is a bill of sale."</p> + +<p>"So, so, a bill of sale," they all said in a low tone as they eyed the +piece of paper.</p> + +<p>"We will have an auction," said the cook; "our foreign relations we have +decided to let go; for we get more kicks than half-pence from them; but +our colonies we will sell."</p> + +<p>"Ha, ha!" laughed the butcher, hoarsely; "mind they don't sell you."</p> + +<p>"At it again, Billy," said the cook; "but it shows you're recovering +from your nervous attack. Lot No. 1. The Buccaneer's well-known property +of India. A rich possession comprizing over 200,000,000 of faithful +subjects, together with forts and garrisons fully armed and equipped, +and a most lucrative trade."</p> + +<p>"The Eastern Bandit no doubt will bid for that lot or perhaps he'll take +it," said the carpenter's mate.</p> + +<p>"Proceed, Pepper," cried the carpenter.</p> + +<p>"That cock won't fight," remarked the butcher. "You don't suppose our +master will allow his dusky princess to be bought or taken by his old +enemy, the Bandit."</p> + +<p>"Go on, Pepper," cried the carpenter; "Billy's state of health is +rapidly improving. Haste, my lad, for the silver foot of day is +advancing. In a short time his eye will be over yonder house-tops, and +if he looks upon us plotting in the cook's caboose, then farewell to our +plan and perhaps to our liberty as well."</p> + +<p>"Lot 2. Egypt. We may expect bidders for that country and 'caveat +emptor' say I. That is a country replete with articles of virtu, the +only thing is to find them. It is the proud possessor of an ancient +history. With this lot will go a discontented, harassed and +poverty-stricken people, and one or more high military reputations, and +may the devil fly away with the whole lot, say I. There are a few +others—things scarcely worth mentioning—such as the royal robes, crown +jewels, and other court paraphernalia."</p> + +<p>Here the discussion was suddenly put a stop to by the butcher, who gave +such a start that he knocked the carpenter's mate up against the cook, +who in turn nearly overturned Chips. The lantern was upset and the light +was put out.</p> + +<p>"What the devil is up now!" cried the cook, recovering himself.</p> + +<p>"I saw it again," said the butcher, in a terrified whisper. They all +pitied the butcher and declared that he was, without exception, about as +uncomfortable a member of a conspiracy as could possibly be found. There +was something almost uncanny about his behaviour, and no doubt less +doughty men would have been scared. It was now too late to continue with +their plans. They one and all said that the scheme was good and wanted +scarcely for anything except the carrying of it out, which they agreed +was a mere matter of detail. They complimented the cook upon his +suggested method of raising the necessary wind. They were all very well +pleased one with another, and as the carpenter dismissed them, he said: +"Bless ye, my lads! Away to your bunks, my honest fellows. The silver +king treads close upon the heels of the sable queen, so away and snatch +a few hours of repose. Then arise and buckle to your work. Mix well +amongst the people ashore. Sow broadcast the seeds of discontent, and so +prepare the way for action. The womb of time is big with great events. +Be civil, my mates, to the wild Ojabberaways, for at times it is +necessary to hold the candle to the devil himself. If we do not square +them, the other watch will."</p> + +<p>"The greedy office grabbers," cried the cook, "will leave no stone +unturned to get the helm; but we must dish them. For my part I have +always found the Ojabberaways a merry and clever lot of gentlemanly +devils."</p> + +<p>"To their many wants then," exclaimed the carpenter, "lend a kindly ear; +but keep your own counsel. Be thrifty of your words unless you use them +as our noble captain does, to conceal your thoughts. Away then, my lads! +What, does no one move? It is too late for ghosts to prowl about, and of +other things what have you to fear?"</p> + +<p>"Who is afraid, Master Chips?" the cook asked indignantly, "I was only +thinking."</p> + +<p>"Vast heaving, my hearties, while the cook thinks," cried the carpenter. +"In the meantime I will take a look round, the watchman may be about." +Chips drew his cloak round him and pulled his slouched hat well down +over his eyes; then with the stealthy walk peculiar to conspirators he +took a look round. Just as he reached the back of the cook's galley, he +heard what sounded like a splash in the water. It made him start; and +his heart beat hard against his side, his hair stood on end, and he had +to lean against the water-butt for support. "Pshaw!" he cried as he +shivered in the chill morning air, "I am getting as bad as Billy +Cheeks." The look-out man from aloft cried out, "All's well." Thus +reassured, the carpenter told his companions that the coast was clear, +so with cloaks well wrapped round them and hats well slouched they +sneaked away to their beds.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXIII" id="CHAPTER_XXIII"></a>CHAPTER XXIII.</h2> + + +<p>It was but a narrow strip of water that separated the old Sea King, or +Buccaneer, from his neighbours on the mainland. But narrow as the strip +was it had been and it was of the greatest service to him; for it kept +from his shores the numerous bands of robbers that infested the +mainland. Of course things had very much improved of recent years, but +still occasional robberies took place even now, and when an opportunity +offered it was not allowed to pass by. Since the world began it has been +said that honest men are few and rogues are many.</p> + +<p>There can be very little doubt that the veneer called civilisation has +done much for the world. It would appear, however, that when people are +collected together into a nation, they cannot even now look upon the +richness of a neighbour, without having some feelings of envy, and +experiencing a slight itching sensation at the ends of the fingers.</p> + +<p>Indeed, the study of history, and human nature generally, would lead us +to believe that man is not only a very lazy fellow by nature, never +working unless necessity compels him to; but that he is also a thief, +and is only honest by compulsion, or by learning that it is to his +personal advantage to be so. This much we may have hinted before. For +mankind in general we have the highest admiration and consideration; but +we cannot hide from ourselves the fact that it has with many virtues, +also very many faults, and love of other people's property seems to be +one.</p> + +<p>Man we will not run down or decry. Look you at the savage! There is a +great nobility about him, and in some things he compares most favourably +with his highly cultivated and civilised brother. The latter is perhaps +the proud possessor of a great intellect, of rank, of high position, +having a long line of ancestors to decorate the walls of his ancestral +hall. He may be the proud possessor of vast wealth, in fact, of +everything that leads to human greatness, and yet see how he sneaks into +a room as if he were some mean thing and thoroughly well ashamed of +himself. Contrast with this man the noble bearing of the savage, every +movement is as full of dignity, as, in all probability, his only blanket +is of insects. This man feels himself a lord of creation. His mantle +above alluded to he throws over his shoulders with an easy grace. His +only possession perhaps is his spear or tomahawk which he is ever ready +to bury in the stomach of an enemy or in the friendly earth. Then the +savage is silent, and when he does speak, he does not prove himself a +wind bag, but he speaks in measured tones, and with dignity and very +much to the point. There is none of that senseless gabbling which is +such a mark of Western civilisation, and which at times is so extremely +confusing and even distressing. He does not wash, you say? Good people +all, here the peculiar and special prejudice of civilisation presents +itself. Yes, the tub crowns your Western edifice; but did your Saint +James ever use the bath? The platter is well washed without, but within? +The savage is a noble being, though perhaps the rain that falls from a +generous heaven is the only washing he ever gets.</p> + +<p>The imagination loves to dwell upon the ideal. It peoples the garden of +Eden with beautiful and naked innocence. It loves to sing of the gentle +shepherd, who, decked in ribbons and becoming fancy pastoral garments, +pipes and dances to his flocks all day long, and in other ways wastes +his employer's time. Strip the gentle shepherd of the clothing +generously given him by the imagination and you find him a very rough +fellow indeed, not given to singing so much as to cursing, and instead +of dancing, is more ready to knock anyone on the head who interferes +with his sheep-stealing propensities. We speak, good people all, of +early pastoral times, of what we may call the ancient shepherd period.</p> + +<p>Heaven forbid! that we should say one word against civilisation. Do we +wish to live in a state of society which was so easily excited that if a +man but sneezed some fiery fellow would fancy himself insulted and out +with his bodkin and put it through one? Heaven forbid! we say again. +But, good people all, the struggle for existence is great. The weakest +at all times go to the wall. The noble savage allows his weakly and +sickly offspring to die; perhaps even at times he assists nature, +occasionally knocking an aged parent on the head, saving thereby much +pain and suffering on the one side, and trouble and anxiety on the +other. But see what your civilisation does. See how far superior it is; +how supremely human. It calls in that eminent physician Dr. Science, and +with his help your sickly human weeds are nourished and reared until +they are old enough and strong enough to marry and multiply. Weeds +produce weeds and quickly. A sickly body can only sustain a sickly mind, +and so the world wags and whole peoples become undermined. What would we +do? Nothing. We sit and watch things taking their course, and note the +many advantages that civilisation has over barbarism.</p> + +<p>It is an old, old tale, yet in the telling of it nature alone is not +prosy. She has such a way of telling the same story over and over again +and ever varying it some little in the telling. What wonderful powers of +variation has our mother! Take a million faces and by some subtle +combination of the same features she gives an individuality to each. But +to return to our noble savage. In a rough and ready fashion he surmounts +the difficulty of his useless members of society. By an extensive and +well-organised system, civilisation finds out the exact amount of +sustenance it takes to keep the body and soul together in an aged +broken-down pauper. Then separating an aged couple, who perhaps have +borne the brunt of many a misfortune together, it allows them to drain +to the last drop the dregs of life, holding up to them as a consolation +the plenty that lies in paradise. Civilisation justly condemns the +inhuman custom of the otherwise noble savage; but does not deny itself +the inward satisfaction of a sigh of relief when some person who, having +lingered perhaps a trifle too long over his or her exit, eventually +goes. "Poor soul," they say, "it is a happy release. Gone to a better +and a happier world, no doubt." A pauper's funeral brightens a district +and carries, if not joy, at least no sorrow to the hearts of the +guardians of the poor.</p> + +<p>We never said that civilisation was a gigantic workshop where hypocrites +and humbugs are turned out by the thousands every day, whilst its +religion occupies itself in manufacturing Pharisees. We have pointed +out, if we have not demonstrated, the admirable laws by which +civilisation works as regards the welfare of the poor, and we have shown +the care that it takes of its sickly weeds, given to them such eminent +advantages and allowing them to contaminate a whole community with their +sickliness. We have acknowledged how in all respects, with the sole +exception of grace and bearing, civilisation is superior to the savage +state. But this much we will say, many savages we have seen who are very +much more gentle in their manners; very much more honourable and even +refined in their feelings, and very much more humane, than the roughs of +civilisation. No doubt every civilised family has its extremely black +sheep. The Buccaneer certainly had his, and compared with them, the +gentle savage is a well-bred gentleman.</p> + +<p>Then look at your pale-faced drudge of civilisation. With bent back and +emaciated face and smarting eyes, her thin but nimble fingers stitch on +from early morning, till after the weary sun has sunk to rest. On, on, +she works with scanty food, and in an impure atmosphere. Poor soul, has +civilisation done much for her? Has it buttered her bread more thickly +or sweetened more her tea? Is her lot any better than that of her sister +who toils and slaves out in the open, while her brave lies and basks in +the sun of idleness?</p> + +<p>But we have wandered far from that narrow strip of water that divided +the Buccaneer from his neighbours on the mainland. It had been to him as +a magic belt, and worth more than thousands of men. His neighbours had +to look on and long and wonder perhaps how it was that such a man had +been allowed to prosper. But all have heard of the row in the kitchen, +between the pot and the kettle. His neighbours, however, repudiated with +scorn any evil intentions and they only kept themselves armed to the +teeth to keep wicked robbers and cut-throats away; but it was a wonder +to many people where they could be, because, if asked, all declared that +all they wished for was to be allowed to live in peace, and quietude, so +that they might enjoy the reward of their honest, industrious, and +highly respectable lives, and fit themselves for heaven.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXIV" id="CHAPTER_XXIV"></a>CHAPTER XXIV.</h2> + + +<p>Arriving on the shores of his nearest neighbour, Madame France, the +Buccaneer landed, and as he intended to make a few calls inland, he sent +his yacht round to the Golden Horn with orders to await there his +arrival.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer took off his hat and made his politest bow; but his +reception was by no means as cordial as he had expected. As is well +known by all those who have experienced it, there is nothing so freezing +as the cold politeness of a haughty beauty. It requires more brazen +effrontery than even old Dogvane had, to carry it off with a high handed +dignity as if nothing was wrong. That Madame France was beautiful there +could be no doubt, and she would have made the blood quicken in the +veins of the most eminent saint, and as for a sinner! well, there is no +use going into particulars.</p> + +<p>It is more than probable that the charms of this lady were not lost upon +either the Buccaneer or his trusty captain William Dogvane. Then, as if +the devil was in it, Madame had added to her natural beauty, by calling +in the assistance of every art. Her figure was neat and most attractive, +and her dress left nothing to be desired. In her display of charms she +was generous without being coarse and vulgar, and her short kirtle +discovered the prettiest of ankles, and just enough of a well-shaped leg +to be peculiarly attractive. Even old Bill felt young again and his eyes +glistened with delight, and he was no less inclined to be gallant than +his master, who for the time forgot the precept taught him by his +religion about coveting other people's goods.</p> + +<p>Having coldly acknowledged the salutation she turned her back upon her +visitors and pouted her pretty lips. "Master Dogvane," said the +Buccaneer addressing that worthy, "there is not much cordiality here."</p> + +<p>"It beats me altogether, sir," the captain replied, "but there is no +understanding women, and, as everyone knows, Madame here is peculiarly +fickle and uncertain. They all seem to go by the rule of contrary. She +is an arrant coquette I'll be bound; but, Master, what a pretty foot and +what a lovely leg."</p> + +<p>"Dogvane!" cried the Buccaneer as he gazed upon the attractions alluded +to, "you forget yourself." Then addressing the haughty beauty he said, +"Madame, in what have I been so unfortunate as to meet with your +displeasure? It is many years now since we had any cause for quarrel and +all old wounds I trust are healed, and as I bear no malice, Madame, I +hope you bear none. How then have I displeased you?"</p> + +<p>"Monsieur, your memory methinks is short. Was I not set upon and beaten? +Was I not hurt and bleeding? Was I not struck down until I bit the dust, +and you never held out a hand to help me? Monsieur, my memory is better, +I do not forget, I never shall."</p> + +<p>"Oh! damn these violent memories!" exclaimed Dogvane aside.</p> + +<p>"But, Madame, that is now an old old story," the Buccaneer replied. "Is +it right to carry resentment so far? Is it acting up to the religion +that we both profess?"</p> + +<p>"Monsieur's reputation for piety is extremely great," said his fair +neighbour, while a sneer played round her pretty mouth; she then added, +"An injury, Monsieur, is never old."</p> + +<p>"Madame!" cried the Buccaneer still wishing to appease, "you had my +extreme sympathy."</p> + +<p>"Sympathy!" cried Madame France, "sympathy! of what avail is that +against battalions?"</p> + +<p>"I dressed your wounds, I attended your sick and I sent you money, lint, +and plaster."</p> + +<p>"Sent me money!" exclaimed Madame France scornfully. Then suddenly +changing her manner to a tone of polite sarcasm she said, "Pardon, +Monsieur! I had forgotten, yes, you sent me money. It must have been a +great sacrifice for you to part with what you love so well. The +shopkeeper does not like to drain his till, even for a friend in need. I +beg Monsieur's pardon a thousand times. I did not too fully appreciate +his kindness. I have not sufficiently thanked my mercantile neighbour. +Permit me, Monsieur," she said with a profound curtsey, "to thank you +for your extravagant consideration and extreme sympathy."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer was going to reply; but Dogvane, fearing a storm, almost +dragged his master away. "But this is not as it should be, Dogvane. It +is not right."</p> + +<p>As they went away Madame France muttered something, but the only word +that reached the Buccaneer was "perfidious." This was an old retort.</p> + +<p>"This is not right, Master Dogvane!" he cried.</p> + +<p>"Decidedly wrong, sir. The grossest piece of ingratitude I have ever +experienced. Ah! we can plainly see, she has not forgiven you for +remaining neutral in her last row with her burly neighbour inland. But a +stale page of history is that."</p> + +<p>"Master Dogvane, even a woman's resentment cannot last too long. There +must be something else. Have you, Master Dogvane, been doing anything to +put her out?"</p> + +<p>"I can tax my memory with nothing, sir; but the other watch, who can +tell what they've been up to? Softly, my master, softly. For heaven's +sake come away. Say nothing to increase her anger. The least said, +soonest mended. Is she not fair to look upon?" added Dogvane looking +back as did Lot's wife. "What ripe lips!"</p> + +<p>"What has that to do with it?"</p> + +<p>"Nothing, sir, nothing; what a lovely foot! what an ankle too! what a +comely leg!"</p> + +<p>"What the devil, I say again, has that to do with it?" cried the +Buccaneer.</p> + +<p>"Nothing, sir, nothing. I merely ventured the remark that she was +comely. No doubt that other watch have been at their handiwork. Master, +you are a bit too brusque in your manner. Women don't like it; if you +had flattered more, you would have pleased more. You should have praised +her beauty; gone into an ecstasy of delight over her many charms. Do +you not think, sir, that the kirtle was an inch or two too long?"</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer turned sharply upon his captain and rebuked him, told him +plainly that although he was captain of his watch, he had no business to +cast eyes upon his fair neighbour. Then he said, "She quarrelled with a +friend of mine, and you are for ever telling me that I ought not to +interfere, in things that don't concern me."</p> + +<p>"You acted in that little affair, sir, like an upright, honest, +gentleman; but do what you will you cannot please everyone. You did your +best to prevent a row and you could do no more. But that is not where +the shoe pinches. The other watch no doubt, the other watch. Let her +alone, my master, to cool. When a woman is enraged, there is no arguing +with her. No doubt some domestic trouble has disturbed her. She has +always something on. Ah! I see it now," exclaimed Dogvane stopping +short. "Some time ago she went in largely for old china and we all know +that is an expensive luxury and probably the bill was larger than she +expected. There are a thousand little things, trifles as light as air, +in every household, that though hidden from the eye of the casual +observer, help to ruffle the temper even of the most amiable woman. Did +you notice, sir, her well turned ankle and shapely leg?" The old +Buccaneer either did not hear, or did not approve of Dogvane's continued +allusion to Madame France's charms. The captain, thinking he was still +grieving over his cold reception, sought to console him by saying, "What +though Madame France be cold and turn her back upon you, I feel +confident that the island of Sark is with you to a man."</p> + +<p>"The island of Sark!" exclaimed the Buccaneer in astonishment, "what has +that to do with it?"</p> + +<p>"Everything, sir," replied Dogvane. "For the island of Sark if not +actually France is very near to it; and the moral support of such a +place is not to be despised."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer seemed lost in meditation, from which he was only aroused +by Dogvane exclaiming: "Ah! here we are, sir, at the door of your worthy +German cousin, with whom you are allied by blood, by the holy bonds of +wedlock, and by religion."</p> + +<p>The mighty Von was sitting outside, in his garden overlooking the waters +that divided him from his beautiful neighbour. He had a tankard by his +side and a pipe in his mouth, for he was a great smoker.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer found that his reception here was scarcely more cordial +than what it had been elsewhere. "Have I in any way done my worthy +friend an injury?" the Buccaneer asked, turning to Dogvane.</p> + +<p>"God forbid, sir, that you should do any man an injury," was the reply. +"It has been my constant endeavour to keep you at peace with all men." +This perhaps was true, but the result was not satisfactory.</p> + +<p>"Give me an honest grip of thy friendly hand, neighbour," the Buccaneer +exclaimed, as he held out his. The Von held out his but there was +nothing hearty in the shake. "How is this, friend, thy grip used to be +harder?" said the Buccaneer.</p> + +<p>"Mein hand is mein own," replied the mighty Von.</p> + +<p>"Tell me in what I have offended thee. If I have done thee an injury I +will make amends. What, will my old friend not speak?"</p> + +<p>"Mein counsel like mein hand is mein own, mein friend, and I keep them +both."</p> + +<p>"How do you account for this, Master Dogvane?" asked the Buccaneer, +somewhat crestfallen.</p> + +<p>"It is passing strange, sir, and I can only think that this is another +piece of handiwork of the other watch. Their capacity for bungling is +extremely great. But come away, sir. There is an old adage which says, +'it is ill to waken sleeping dogs.' It applies here." So saying he led +his master away; but before they had gone very far Dogvane again stopped +short. "Stay, I do remember there was some trivial dispute about a patch +of barren land. Tut, tut, to think now that so great a friend should be +affronted at such a trifle. The exact merits of the case have now +escaped me; but as I was prepared to give way all round there need be +no ill feeling on such a subject; only to think now—but there, some +people are that touchy that there is no pleasing them." The captain now +began to sing to an old well-known song, some words of his own—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"The Von a mighty man is he with large and sinewy arms."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>"Dogvane, cease; this is no time to exercise your vocal powers. I have +been a good friend to my German relations. I verily believe that I +support half his army in the bands that are for ever braying out their +discordant sounds in my streets. Then are not my own people constantly +at me for employing my foreign relations to the prejudice of my own +children? and with some show of justice too, for German bakers make my +bread, German tailors make most of my clothes, and German Jews are +constantly draining away my money. Do I not find royal wives for German +princelets, and do I not dower them handsomely into the bargain? and yet +they give me the cold shoulder in return. No matter who dances, Master +Dogvane, it seems to me it is I who have to pay the piper. To one of my +worthy friend's sons, poor fellow, I begrudged nothing, for he was a +king of kings and a fine manly fellow, and one who will never die."</p> + +<p>"Marriage, my master, often severs families instead of uniting them. +This only bears out what I am constantly telling you, and that is to +have as little as possible to do with your relations. But, master, a +good deal of what we call ingratitude in others is due to faults in +ourselves. We start by expecting more than we deserve, and are +disappointed when we only get our deserts; but, of course, we never +think of putting the saddle on the right back."</p> + +<p>Our two travellers, weary, thirsty, and dust-stained, now came to +Austria, and were in hopes of getting a more friendly reception; such a +one, in fact, that would justify them in staying there and breaking +bread and drinking a flagon of wine for the sake of good fellowship. But +no, Dogvane had managed to tread upon the toes of Austria, and had got +himself disliked even here. He swore it was a part of that terrible +inheritance he had received over from the other watch. According to his +own account, no man was ever so unfortunate.</p> + +<p>Dogvane now entered upon a most lengthy and learned explanation upon the +quality of gratitude, and what he said upon such a matter would deserve +the greatest consideration, but weightier things still, attended upon +their footsteps.</p> + +<p>A messenger arrived post haste to say, that information had been +received through the proper official channel, that the great Bandit of +the East was behaving himself in an altogether unaccountable and strange +manner. In fact, that he had broken into one Abdur's garden, and was +playing, what was called in unofficial language general, Old Harry, +there.</p> + +<p>"Here is another of your confounded foreign relations cropping up," said +Dogvane to himself.</p> + +<p>"How about this, Master Dogvane?" exclaimed the Buccaneer.</p> + +<p>"Why, this sort of thing, sir, has been going on for ages, and it is +nothing more nor less than a party trick of the other watch, at the +bottom of which, no doubt, is that mischievous young imp, Random Jack. I +have myself frequently asked the Eastern Bandit about these unsavoury +reports, and his smile was childlike and bland as he replied, that if +anything was going on wrong, he knew nothing about it. He is a truthful +and a Christian man and would not tell a lie, not for the whole Empire +of India. At least, if he would, I have no official information upon the +subject."</p> + +<p>"Well, Master Dogvane, the readiest way to set the matter at rest is to +go and see for ourselves."</p> + +<p>"That would be a most undignified proceeding, sir. You cannot expect +foreign nations to respect you if you go and poke your nose into other +people's dustbins. Besides, sir, it would be a most unconstitutional +thing; and before undertaking it, we at least ought to retrace our steps +home and set the official mind at work to find out a precedent. Then if +such a thing can be found, which I very much doubt, we will at once +proceed to the scene of action, and throw the light of our official eye +upon the Eastern Bandit, who, no doubt, being dazzled and frightened by +such an unusual occurrence, will fear some revolution of nature, and so +retire to his own ground."</p> + +<p>"Master Dogvane, the official coach is far too slow for an occasion like +this. We can walk the distance very much quicker, so set thy face to the +East and march. And on our way we will pay the honest Turk a visit."</p> + +<p>"Oh lord!" exclaimed Dogvane to himself, "here is another kettle of +fish. Sir, are we not tired, hungry, and thirsty? And the weather is +much too warm for such a journey. But, if go we must, gallivanting about +in the East, we shall save a little, sir, if we leave this Turk on our +right hand."</p> + +<p>"Master Dogvane, the Turk is a friend of mine. We have fought side by +side against the Eastern Bandit, and may be we shall have to do so +again. I will therefore pay my respects to him."</p> + +<p>"I would kick him bag and baggage out of Europe if I had my way," +muttered old Dogvane.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer found the head of the Moslem world pensively smoking his +chibouck. "Ah!" said he, "you, at least, my honest friend, will not turn +your back upon me. I have at least you to fall back upon."</p> + +<p>"Monsieur, I salute you," said the Turk with extreme politeness. "When +you want to get anything out of me you call me friend and honest Turk; +when you do not, I am a rogue, a vagabond, and little better than a +barbarian. A while since, and your captain was for kicking me, bag and +baggage, out of Europe." Dogvane was a little taken aback at having been +overheard, but he soon recovered himself and was ready to argue that if +his words were taken properly they could bear no such signification.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer was so taken by surprise that he could not speak, while +Dogvane, shading his eyes with his hand, cast a look towards the +beautiful Golden Horn, to see if the yacht was there, for he was weary +of travelling, and had become what is called home-sick, and had he never +had to consider things abroad, the chances are it would have been very +much better for his reputation, and for that of his master. He said, +"What is the use of your meandering in foreign parts, sir, you have a +nice, snug, well-feathered little nest in the Western Ocean, where +everything smiles upon you. There lies your yacht; then let us aboard: +weigh anchor, and make for the rosy bed of the setting sun."</p> + +<p>The Turk interrupted: "It suits your purpose, mon ami," he said, +addressing the Buccaneer, "to seek my friendship now. But the honest +Turk was not born yesterday, and he is very much more than seven, so he +allies himself with those who will not cast him off when they have no +further need of him."</p> + +<p>This roused the suspicions of the Buccaneer. "Whatever you do," he +cried, "do not ally yourself with the Eastern Bandit. Give him a wide +berth or he will pluck you to your last feather."</p> + +<p>"An open enemy," replied the Turk, "is better than a treacherous friend. +Pat my back to-day; kick—but no matter, Allah is good! There is but one +God, and Mohammed is his prophet."</p> + +<p>"Treacherous friend," ejaculated the Buccaneer, turning to the captain. +"Does the Turk call me treacherous, Master Dogvane?"</p> + +<p>"Heaven forbid such a thing, sir! The Turk merely made a general remark, +which in the abstract no doubt is true. But, master, leave the Turk +alone. If you do not come speedily away he will borrow of you for a +certainty."</p> + +<p>"But he has been my friend, Master Dogvane, for these many years."</p> + +<p>"True, sir; and you have treated him more kindly than you usually do +your friends, whom you occasionally fall out with; even coming to blows +at times. But the Turk's friendship, good master, is of a costly kind. +He is a ready borrower, but a tardy payer. Look at the money he has +spent in riotous living? Honest enough, no doubt; but as he is always +out at elbows he cannot afford to indulge in such a luxury. A needy +friend, good master, is a constant source of annoyance; for when poverty +comes, pride goes, and your friend soon sinks into the degraded position +of a most importunate and shameless beggar."</p> + +<p>"I do not like to turn my back upon a friend just because he is down in +the world, Master Dogvane."</p> + +<p>"The feeling does you credit; it is noble; but, good sir, we must draw +a line, lest at any time we give countenance to vice. We often deceive +ourselves, and act as we think, generously, either out of idleness or +fear, lest the babbling world should condemn us for want of kindness to +those in need. God forbid that you should forsake a friend because he is +down! But when a man has brought his suffering and misfortunes upon +himself, then, good master, sympathy is bestowed upon a worthless +object. Why should you assist one who will not help himself? Who so long +as he can borrow will spend? The Turk will not live within his means, +and you have found, sir, that you cannot enjoy his friendship without +paying heavily for it." With reflections like these Dogvane led his +master away, and the Turk watched their retreating steps with +half-closed eyes; but yet he was not asleep; but the precise nature of +his thoughts cannot, for obvious reasons, be disclosed.</p> + +<p>"Oh for a sniff of the fresh sea air!" cried Dogvane, as he looked +wistfully towards the ocean. "To feel yourself once more afloat, master, +with your empire beneath your feet, and your good little ship dancing +merrily to the music of the waves, would make a different man of you."</p> + +<p>"Aye, aye, Master Dogvane, perhaps it would; but I have other fish to +fry just at present. Those were merry days when I ploughed the seas in +search of adventure, and it all comes back to me like a dream. I fancy I +hear now the clack, clack of my many windlasses; the yo! heave-ho! of my +merry men, as they sheeted home their sails, and mast-headed their +yards. The brave sea fights; the brilliant actions of my lads; the +sinking of the enemy's ships, all, all comes back upon me. I fancy I can +see my merry men, pike in hand, swarming over the ship's sides, while we +poured in broadsides muzzle to muzzle. I almost hear their shouts. They +strike, they strike, Dogvane, while our colours still fly proudly over +us, nailed to the mast. See the ocean blurred with their life's blood. +Ah! it is past, Dogvane, it is past. Lend me thy shoulder, man, lend me +thy shoulder, for my eyes are dim. Alas! they are clouded by memory. Are +those good old days gone, never, never to return?"</p> + +<p>Dogvane had learned from experience that when his master had on him one +of these fits of despondency, the best thing to be done was to let him +alone. He contented himself with saying, "Every age, my master, has its +advantages. We cannot say that the spring is more beautiful than the +summer, nor yet the summer than the autumn, while hoary-headed winter is +not free from charms."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXV" id="CHAPTER_XXV"></a>CHAPTER XXV.</h2> + + +<p>Away our two friends journeyed until they came to a high eminence which +commanded a good view of all the country round. At their feet was spread +the garden of Abdur, and in the distance was to be seen the El Dorado of +the East. The fair lands of the Buccaneer's Indian Princess. How lovely +it all looked; the hot sun streaming down on plains covered with jungle +and the tall cocoanut trees with their long stems and bushy heads; and +the shady plaintain with its long, broad leaves. Then rivers wound +through the plain like huge silver serpents making their endless way to +the sea.</p> + +<p>As may be easily imagined, the Buccaneer who was not accustomed to such +lengthy and arduous journeys, was completely done up, for the ascent had +been steep and difficult; often had he stopped to admire the scenery, an +excuse generally made by the weary, who are too proud to admit that they +are in the smallest degree overcome. Rivulets of perspiration were +running down the old gentleman's face, and it took him some time to mop +himself and gain his breath. Dogvane, as the saying is, had not turned a +hair. Whether this was on account of the paucity of that article, or the +general leanness of his condition, it is not necessary to say.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer sat and contemplated in silence the beauty of the scene +before him, while the captain of his watch looked through the left +corner of his eye towards Abdur's home. Presently a shout in that +direction made the Buccaneer start from his happy reverie, and turning +to his left there he saw the Eastern Bandit, apparently enjoying himself +in Abdur's garden, and not keeping to the pathways either, but trampling +borders and beds under foot. "Hallo! Master Dogvane," exclaimed the +Buccaneer, "sure enough there he is at his handiwork, just as we were +told."</p> + +<p>"Be not too hasty, master," Dogvane replied. "Things are not always as +they seem; so somebody has said, and I believe him. We are absolutely +without any official information on the subject, while, on the contrary, +I have the august Bandit's word for it, that he wants nothing out of +Abdur's garden, and I believe him, for the fruit is of a prickly kind, +and not at all enticing. In fact, more fit for asses than for human +beings."</p> + +<p>"Facts are stubborn things, Master Dogvane, and seeing surely is +believing."</p> + +<p>"Not always, sir; for how many people are deceived by their eyes? one +swearing he saw one thing, another swearing the very reverse. Things are +deceptive, more especially when seen through glasses dimmed by +prejudice." Dogvane said nothing about the dimness of the official eye, +which is well known to be as nearly blind as possible, without being +absolutely so. He put his glass up and took a survey, taking good care +that that part of Abdur's garden where the Bandit was should not come +within his range. "For my part," he said, "I do not think the Eastern +Bandit is in Abdur's garden. You may depend upon it, sir, he is merely +going through the time honoured custom of beating the bounds."</p> + +<p>"Then you go down, Master Dogvane, and see that the boundaries are +fairly marked."</p> + +<p>"It has ever been the custom to take some small boy, and by bumping him +or whipping him upon the breech at certain places, to engraft the +boundaries indelibly upon his memory. I am too old a man for this. It is +a thousand pities that we have not young Random Jack with us. He is for +ever wishing to render you some signal service, as much to make a name +for himself as to do good to you. Now, this would be an excellent +opportunity for him to show his zeal, and I regret extremely that the +lad is not here. It would be well worth while to send for him."</p> + +<p>Dogvane's meditations were put a stop to by the Buccaneer exclaiming, as +he brought down his telescope and shut up the slides with a bang: "As I +hope to be saved, Master Dogvane, the Bandit is in our friend Abdur's +garden!" Here he opened his spy-glass again and took another look. "And +what is more," he added, "the rascal seems inclined to lay his hands +upon what does not belong to him."</p> + +<p>Fat as the Buccaneer had grown, and lazy as his prosperity and good +living had made him, he did at times rouse himself, and when he did he +frequently flew into the most violent fits of passion, and made use of +the most terrible language, and altogether forgetting that he was a +Christian he would swear like any Turk, or the proverbial trooper. Our +friend was now seized with a warlike epidemic, which, as a rule, is very +infectious. He was for fighting his old enemy at once, for he felt fully +persuaded that he must be in the wrong. Dogvane, the man of peace, tried +to calm his master down, and begged him to take things quietly; saying +that it was time enough to draw the sword when diplomacy failed.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer when he heard that word, ripped out several oaths of such +a nature, as to make Dogvane's hair stand on end. This annoyed the +Buccaneer still more, and he requested Dogvane, in tones not to be +disobeyed, not to do it. The captain apologized, and declared it was the +"wind, and nothing more;" showing that his mind was far away. The +Buccaneer, however, quickly brought him back to his senses, by +commanding him to ask the Eastern Bandit, in the politest manner +possible, what the devil he meant, by trespassing upon other people's +property. Of course, things had to be done in a proper way, and strictly +according to custom. Dogvane knew very well that it was quite useless to +ask the Eastern Bandit for any information, because, whatever his +intentions might be, it was not at all likely that he would disclose +them. To do so, would be to act in a manner altogether undiplomatic. But +obedient to his master's commands, the captain of the watch went to a +small rivulet that sprang out of the mountain side close by. This tiny +stream after bounding from rock to rock of its mountain bed, fell down +into the plain below, and then widening and growing deeper and deeper, +rolled lazily through Abdur's garden, refreshing its parched soil with +its grateful waters.</p> + +<p>Dogvane put his hand to the side of his mouth and sent down on the bosom +of the rivulet a request couched in the most polite language to know +what the great Bandit of the East was about. Back came a voice from the +plains below, saying, "The august Bandit of the East, the master of many +millions of slaves, requests the Buccaneer of the West to mind his own +business."</p> + +<p>"Tells me to mind my own business, does he? And call you that a +diplomatic answer, Master Dogvane?"</p> + +<p>"Most assuredly," replied the captain. "It would have been quite as easy +for him to have told you to go to the devil. How can you find fault with +him, or anyone else, for telling you to mind your own business. It is +what every right-minded and honest man ought to do."</p> + +<p>"But it is what every right-minded and honest man does not like to be +told to do. This business is mine, Master Dogvane. Do you not see that +he is putting his huge foot forward?"</p> + +<p>"My eyesight in such things is somewhat dim; but be not hasty. In times +past, sir, your rashness has led you into sad trouble. For all we know +the Eastern Bandit does but stretch his leg, preparatory to making a +backward movement. For my part, I think this must be so. I go so far as +to say that it is so; for I have entered into an agreement with him; or +it may be an arrangement, or even a sacred covenant."</p> + +<p>"The devil take your covenant!" cried the Buccaneer, "I am going to see +into this little matter myself," and away the old gentleman started off, +with a speed that endangered his neck. Dogvane needs must follow; but he +was not so good going down as up a hill on occasions like this. "Steady, +my master! Steady!" he cried. "The more haste, the less speed. God +forbid that we should not uphold the sacred ties of friendship; but, +sir, I beg you; I beseech you, not to be rash. Remember, those who +quarrels interpose, often wipe a bloody nose. Let us try the gentle +force of reason first, then if that fails—"</p> + +<p>"What then, Master Dogvane?" said the Buccaneer, stopping and turning +round to confront his captain.</p> + +<p>"Time, sir, and the course of events alone can tell. In a good cause, +in a righteous cause, old Will Dogvane will be found ever ready to draw +the sword."</p> + +<p>"Damme! Dogvane, there's life in the old dog yet."</p> + +<p>"Sir, swear not; it makes my blood curdle in my veins."</p> + +<p>"Dogvane! Dogvane!" cried the Buccaneer, "As I live he is beating +Abdur's children!"</p> + +<p>"And why not, sir? why not? no doubt, they richly deserve it. Have you +not taken the liberty of doing the self same thing yourself?"</p> + +<p>They were now very much closer, and Dogvane put up his glass to his +official eye, and declared he saw nothing out of the way going on. This +so irritated the Buccaneer, that he performed something in the nature of +a miracle, and he made Dogvane receive his sight. He owned that he did +see something in the nature of a beating taking place. Then he said by +way of excuse: "You can not expect, sir, to have a monopoly of beating +other people's children. But at any rate," he continued, "the time has +come for us to show the Eastern Bandit that we are not to be trifled +with. We are now near enough for him to see. The man who will not stand +up for a friend in need, deserves to be branded with the name of +coward."</p> + +<p>"Bravo, Dogvane!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, "I don't care for sentiment, +as a rule; for it generally cloaks some infernal rascality; but damme +that's a good sentiment, and one to my liking."</p> + +<p>Dogvane felt an honest pride in having thus pleased his master. He felt +also encouraged, so taking off his coat and turning up his shirt sleeves +he said, "When the Eastern Bandit sees the sinews of my goodly arms, he +will, no doubt, become frightened, and pause ere he provokes me to +anger; but, master, you will stand by me?"</p> + +<p>"Through thick and thin, Dogvane!"</p> + +<p>"It will be a costly affair, for I needs must make gigantic +preparations. I shall have to go into training."</p> + +<p>"Name but your sum, Dogvane, and it is yours," cried the fighting old +Buccaneer in an ecstasy of delight.</p> + +<p>"It cannot be done comfortably, sir, under £11,000,000," replied the +captain.</p> + +<p>"It is yours, Dogvane! It is yours, I am rich, and I am generous."</p> + +<p>"Has the taking off of my coat in any way frightened him, my master? +Your eyesight is better than mine."</p> + +<p>"Not a bit, Dogvane. The beggar is dancing about just as if the whole +place belonged to him. Go in, old man, and win. Nail your colours to the +mast," the old sea king could not forget his early days, with its quaint +language. "And may God defend the right!" he piously exclaimed as he +took off his hat and raised his eyes devoutly to heaven. Of course there +could be little doubt in the Buccaneer's own mind as to who was in the +right. As has already been stated he fully believed that God was always +on his side, and if he did come off second best, it was the Devil who +for some good reason was allowed, for the time being, to prevail against +him. This is a pardonable vanity and is shared by many other pious and +devout people. With Dogvane it was different. He was blessed, or cursed +according to the way it is looked at, with a most tender conscience, and +though he never allowed it for any length of time to stand in his way, +it caused him so to act, that people condemned him as a splitter of +straws and a weigher of scruples. While he was thus occupied he +generally allowed the golden opportunity to pass by and thus he +frequently brought his wares to the market a day or so after the fair. +And many a time the words "too late" were hung out over the gate he +wished to enter at.</p> + +<p>Scarcely had the Buccaneer finished the above pious ejaculation than +Dogvane's stout right arm fell listlessly to his side. He drooped his +head as he repeated, in a low tone of voice, the words of his master: +"And may God defend the right! That sends a cold thrill through every +vein in my body. Suppose," he said, addressing his master. "Suppose; I +say suppose, my master, we are in the wrong, what a weight of +blood-guiltiness will rest upon our heads? Suppose we are in the wrong, +and being in the wrong we spill the blood of a fellow-creature? Good +master, I have a qualm of conscience."</p> + +<p>"Oh! damn your conscience!" cried the Buccaneer, whose blood was up. Of +course such language is reprehensible in the extreme; no matter who uses +it; but it is doubly so when it falls from the lips of a pious Christian +gentleman. But, good people all, what is bred in the bone, will come out +in the flesh. Dogvane recoiled from such language.</p> + +<p>"Damn not my conscience, sir, nor that of any other man," he said, for +his religion was unlike many a modern lady's beauty, it was even more +than skin deep.</p> + +<p>"Conscience," continued Dogvane, "is the guiding star by which we steer +these frail barks of ours through life. Too many of us do not, +consequently we find ourselves lost amidst shoals and quicksands. In a +just cause, in a righteous cause I will fight."</p> + +<p>"What!" cried the Buccaneer in amazement, "are you going to put your +coat on again?"</p> + +<p>"This, sir, is a matter that must receive our gravest consideration. +Before we fight we must thoroughly sift the matter in the inmost +recesses of the mind, until we are fully convinced of the sacredness of +our cause. The man—"</p> + +<p>"Stay, Master Dogvane! Not another word in that direction as you value +the wholeness of your skin. Give me anything you like; but damme, don't +try my temper with another sentiment."</p> + +<p>"What I was going to say, most noble master, is this. If we have in any +way offended the Bandit of the East, we must make what reparation we can +by craving his pardon."</p> + +<p>"What!" cried the Buccaneer, "are you going to humble me before all the +world?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, sir; call it not by such a name. It is a noble thing, and the act +of a great and generous mind to own freely that it is in the wrong. I do +not humble you. I exalt you and place you upon a high pinnacle of +perfection. It requires more courage to own oneself in the wrong than it +does to take up the sword. It stands to reason, sir, that we both cannot +be in the right; this being conceded why should not the wrong be on our +side, nay, what more likely than that it is? Let us then sheathe the +bloody brutalizing sword until the merits of the case are fully shown."</p> + +<p>"And are all your mighty words to go for nothing, Master Dogvane? How +about my honour? How about my honour?" said the Buccaneer sorrowfully.</p> + +<p>"Honour, sir!" replied Dogvane. "Honour! what is honour that you should +shed human blood over it? It is but a breath that comes from the mouths +of other people, and the same mouth is as ready to damn as bless. This +honour, what is it? It is here to-day, it is gone to-morrow, and is +hunted often to death by envy, hatred, and malice, until in the end it +is handed over to the tender mercies of its adversary shame. This self +same honour that is so much lauded, is a picker of quarrels, a shedder +of blood, a vain boaster, and a veritable swashbuckler. This honour is +the veriest bubble that man ever fought for, or prated about, and it has +done more mischief in the world than any other of man's vain causes of +strife; because no principle has been so plentifully abused, except, +perhaps, the principle of religion. For this self same honour, or its +shadow, you have sacrificed countless thousands of your own sons, and +slaughtered countless thousands of other people's. For the sake of this +honour you have burdened yourself with a debt that you will carry with +you to your grave and it will bend your back, more and more each day you +live. God grant that in the end it does not crush you beneath its +weight. We will place this matter in the hands of others who will +arbitrate between you and the Eastern Bandit, who, I cannot but think, +is grossly maligned. This, good master, will be a more humane, a more +civilised, and a more Christian method of settling your dispute."</p> + +<p>During this harangue of Dogvane's the spirits of the Buccaneer kept on +falling and falling until despair sat heavily at his heart. There was +something quite pathetic in his bearing as he said: "Master Dogvane, I +do not wish to be better than my neighbours. They are all Christians, +and yet they all fight. Madame France is armed to the teeth. My German +cousin sleeps in armour always, with one eye open. Then, why should I +hang up my sword, pistols and buckler and resent neither rebuke, +insult, nor injury? In such a matter as this, is it wise to trust to a +third party?"</p> + +<p>"Master, what does your religion teach you? Be you the pioneer of a +better state of things. God knows we have had fighting enough."</p> + +<p>"I wish my old coxswain were here," said the Buccaneer. "This is an +occasion when his advice would come in well." Perhaps, had he been +present he might have told his master that he had better turn monk at +once and start a monastery if he intended to follow the advice of the +captain of the watch. Why, you ask, did not this fighting, hard +swearing, and hard drinking old sea king whip out his hanger and go in +at the Bandit himself?</p> + +<p>Good people all, it must be remembered, that he now conducted his +business on purely constitutional principles, and he would have violated +some one or many of these had he so acted. So wedded was he to his +constitution that it is probable he would have preferred to be utterly +ruined by sticking to it, than saved by going in any way against it. He +was a great stickler for routine, red tape, and custom. They, for the +time, left the Eastern Bandit in the full enjoyment of his actions. +Dogvane broke the silence. "Sir," he said, "I have in my mind's eye a +worthy potentate who may, for a small consideration, be induced to serve +you in this dispute you have with the Eastern Bandit. King +Hokeepokeewonkeefum—"</p> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, in surprise.</p> + +<p>"Does the length of the name astonish you, sir? We have near neighbours +whose names, were they all joined together, far exceed the one just +mentioned. All great and illustrious people have long names; but they +are all capable of contraction. King Hokee, sir, as we will for brevity +call him."</p> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed the Buccaneer again, almost breathless with amazement. +"Entrust my affairs to a black?" There was an adjective used, but for +various reasons it has not been recorded.</p> + +<p>"Surely, sir," replied Dogvane, "you are above the prejudice of colour. +Though black, King Hokee has no doubt a mind particularly free from +prejudice. Is he not a man and a brother? Besides, sir, to borrow +somewhat from perhaps a greater William than myself: Hath not King Hokee +eyes? Hath he not hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, +passions? If he has not I have no official information on the subject. +Is he not fed by the same food, hurt by the same weapons, subject to the +same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same +winter and summer as we are? If you prick King Hokee, think you he will +not bleed? If you tickle him, will he not laugh? If you poison him, will +he not die?"</p> + +<p>"Cease, Master Dogvane; no more of this. You have stabbed me, and verily +I bleed. To think that the old sea king should be brought so low as to +ask a favour from a damned black!"</p> + +<p>For certain weighty reasons the adjective here is not omitted.</p> + +<p>"Have I then no friend, Master Dogvane; no great neighbour to whom I can +entrust this affair?"</p> + +<p>"It is one of the penalties attached to greatness, sir, to be without +friends. The great stand upon an eminence and look down upon a gaping +crowd of admirers, flatterers, and detractors; but they have no friends, +at least not worth the mentioning. Besides, King Hokee would do the +thing cheaper. A tin star with an appropriate appellation would satisfy +him, and you could make him pay handsomely for the star."</p> + +<p>"Am I then placed so high up on this bleak and sterile peak? I have done +a great deal for Egypt; surely she will show me some little kindness? To +show that my prejudice for colour is not great I will place the matter +in her hands."</p> + +<p>"People served, sir, have but short memories," was Dogvane's reply.</p> + +<p>"We will at any rate break our journey back there, Master Dogvane, and +we can mention the subject to the gipsy queen."</p> + +<p>The captain did not seem to relish this, for he said in a disparaging +manner: "Yes, you have done a good deal for the gipsy; but the man who +does not wish to be disappointed will expect gratitude from no one, +least of all from a woman. In Egypt, sir, our game has been, I own, a +subtle one; but, like the villain in the play, we have been obliged, +and still must dissemble, so as not to excite the jealousy of our +neighbours."</p> + +<p>Dogvane loved dissembling. "Sir," he added, as he shut one eye and put +the forefinger of his right hand to the side of his nose in a most +knowing manner, "we have not thought it wise to let the gipsy woman into +our little secret. We have set up in Egypt a dummy whom we call a ruler. +Behind his back we pull the strings of administration. When all goes +well we come in front and make our bow to the audience, and receive our +well merited applause. When anything goes wrong, we beat our dummy; he +does not mind, and it would be all the same if he did; our neighbours +are satisfied, and their suspicions are allayed."</p> + +<p>"Is this honourable, Dogvane?"</p> + +<p>"Sir, it is most diplomatic, consequently, it cannot be less than +honourable."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer thought for awhile and then said: "It would have been +better for me, Master Dogvane, to have seized the country at once. There +would have been a cackling in some of my neighbours' poultry yards, but +it would have saved an infinity of trouble in the end."</p> + +<p>Dogvane was horrified at such a suggestion. This was a falling off and a +going back with a vengeance. "Such a wholesale act of robbery," he said, +"would perhaps have been pardonable in your old Buccaneering days, when +you laid your hands on what you could, and did all you could to keep it; +but in this, your age of extreme respectability, it would never do. Why! +you would have had all your neighbours buzzing about your ears like a +swarm of angry wasps. The act would have been most undiplomatic."</p> + +<p>Here apparently some unpleasant thoughts entered the Buccaneer's mind, +for a cloud passed over his face. "Diplomacy," he said; "that has never +been a very strong point with me. I like to be open and above board, at +least, at one time I did, and I loved to call a spade a spade. This +diplomacy, Master Dogvane, is a genteel kind of a highwayman, who is not +above insinuating his hands into the pockets of the unwary, while he +distracts the attention of his victim by expressing towards him the +highest esteem and regard. I would quite as soon he showed himself in +his true colours and cried out boldly: 'Stand and deliver.'"</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXVI" id="CHAPTER_XXVI"></a>CHAPTER XXVI.</h2> + + +<p>The journey homewards was a sad one, for the spirits of the old sea king +were entirely broken. The captain of the watch tried all he could to +cheer him up. He drew in fancy a pleasing picture of the island home +they had left; of the contentment, prosperity, and happiness that +reigned there, and old Dogvane did not forget to lay on the colours. As +an artist in this line he was extremely good. As they left the domes and +minarets of the grand Turk behind them, Dogvane turned to his master and +said: "I cannot see why so good and great a man as my august master is, +should not be content to rest upon the laurels he has already earned."</p> + +<p>Flattery is at all times acceptable, and to all people; the only +difference being that to suit the vulgar appetite you must lay it on +thick, while to the refined the touches must be delicate and smooth. +Dogvane, seeing the good effect that this kind of physic had upon his +master, administered a little more. "Now take this Egyptian woman's +case. See what you have done for her. You have tried to put down +slavery. You have set your face against the brutal lash. You have tried +at least to banish the evil-minded, blood-sucking Pasha, and in doing +all this you have spent millions of money, and have sacrificed many of +your bravest sons. One, even, we immolated at the shrine of the great +god Necessity. We placed him in a pit even as Joseph was placed in a +pit; but alas! Joseph was more fortunate; our offering was slain. Think +you, sir, that in return for all this you will receive gratitude?"</p> + +<p>"Master Dogvane, Egypt has always been of great interest to me, and +through her lands I consider I have a right-of-way. Thus I have done +very much for her, and if for nothing else, she ought to thank me for +putting down that most barbarous of all things, the traffic in human +beings."</p> + +<p>"Sir, look rather for your reward in the righteousness of the cause. The +man—"</p> + +<p>"Stay, Master Dogvane; if you are going to give me another sentiment, +spare me I beseech you."</p> + +<p>"I was merely going to observe, sir, that the man who places the +smallest faith in a woman's constancy, digs a pit for himself, into +which he is sooner or later sure to fall."</p> + +<p>Dogvane, for reasons best known to himself, was decidedly against this +visit to Egypt. He seemed to be in some doubt as to the reception he +would receive; but all his endeavours to dissuade his master were of no +avail. The Buccaneer himself thought that Egypt must needs consider +herself under the greatest obligation to him; but the best of men, and +even the wisest, are often deceived, more especially as regards +themselves. The poor man wanted consolation, and he was ready to go +anywhere to obtain it.</p> + +<p>There was no greater enemy in the world to the slave-dealer than was +this great Buccaneer and fighting trader. He was forever going about, +trying to put a stop to the degrading traffic, more especially when the +wretched victims were black. His ships of war had strict orders to chase +and capture all slavers found on the High Seas. His missionaries +preached against the heinous trade. Both watches condemned it, and all +the people of every description of belief, held up their hands in pious +horror at the barter in flesh and blood. All, from the schoolboy just +breeched, to the old man, whose tottering steps were leading him to the +grave, were lovers of freedom, and the sworn enemies of slavery.</p> + +<p>But, strange to say, when Jonathan attempted to put down slavery, the +Buccaneer's sympathies were on the side of the slave-owner. Stranger +still, though he was forever trying to put down slavery amongst other +people, he allowed it to be practised to a very large extent amongst his +own. Of course it was clothed in fine garments of rich words, so the +sinfulness of the thing was hidden from his own eyes; but the whole of +his society was little better than a huge market, where white slaves +were bought and sold every day. Sold by heartless and mercenary mothers, +to whom a rich equipage and a good social position was of far more +consideration than any foolish and antiquated feelings of the heart, all +of which are mere matters of sentiment, and weigh as light as air in +comparison to the many advantages that gold can buy. It was no uncommon +thing to see a fair, and perchance a blushing maiden, sold for a price +to some withered piece of humanity. Their shameless mothers gave their +daughters as they parted with them the kiss of Judas, and bedewed their +fair young cheeks with the tears of hypocrisy, and then hastened to +their churches to thank their God that they were not as others, +doubters, perhaps, and unbelievers.</p> + +<p>This inhuman traffic in human souls found its moral in one of the +Buccaneer's law courts, the proceedings of which were emptied out +amongst the people, and eagerly devoured by them. It must be owned that +the victims of this trade bore their misfortunes with becoming +fortitude. Having been well schooled by their mothers the degradation +was not altogether clear to them, nor the narrow space that divided them +from their less fortunate and despised sisters.</p> + +<p>Like many other highly civilised communities the social atmosphere of +the Buccaneer's island was largely impregnated with sham. Everything lay +upon the surface, there was no depth. There was not only a greed for +money, but there was a great greed for excitement, and a passionate +desire on the part of the rich and vulgar nobodies to scramble up into a +position higher than that to which they were either entitled, or fit +for, and not unfrequently people who had the entry into what was called +good society, let themselves out for a consideration to these upstarts, +who would consider it a great condescension to be kicked down-stairs by +one of noble birth. It was all this that perhaps gave a colouring to the +sayings of those who declared that our bold Buccaneer was about the +biggest humbug and hypocrite that ever walked upon the face of the +earth.</p> + +<p>Our two travellers occupied themselves with many pious speculations on +their way to the land of the Pharaohs, for Dogvane for a sailor, was +well up in the Scriptures, and his knowledge of the Old Testament was +considerable. They compared the past with the present, and wandered +through many flowery fields of thought, until the land they sought came +up out of the sea before them.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXVII" id="CHAPTER_XXVII"></a>CHAPTER XXVII.</h2> + + +<p>As they approached the Buccaneer swept the shores with his glass, "She +seems to be going in for repairs, Master Dogvane." Dogvane remained +silent, as his eyes rested upon the land in front. He knew more about +things than he wished to say. "I told you, sir," he said, "that we had +knocked down a few forts."</p> + +<p>As they approached nearer they saw the Egyptian Queen sitting upon a +heap of ruins; her right elbow on her knee, her head resting upon her +hand. Her flashing eyes showed there was anger in her heart; that +something was wrong. Dogvane evidently did not like the look of things, +for when his master landed he hung back; but the Buccaneer, not knowing +the cause of Egypt's sorrow, went boldly forward. When he spoke Egypt +turned so fiercely upon him, that he was taken completely aback. "Hence +fiend!" she cried, as she pointed to the sea. The Buccaneer looked for +his captain, but that worthy was keeping out of the way and was +pretending to look for shell fish. His master hailed him and he arrived +just in time to hear Egypt say, "The Ten Plagues with which God smote me +in days of old were as blessings compared with thy accursed friendship."</p> + +<p>"Dogvane!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, "how's this?"</p> + +<p>"'Tis passing strange, sir! all official information is dumb upon the +subject." Then turning aside he said: "How the hag raves."</p> + +<p>Egypt rose up from her throne of crumbled stones and stood majestic. +Extending her right arm towards her afflicted country and looking at the +Buccaneer, with eyes filled with hatred, she exclaimed, "You have slain +my children and their blood has flowed out like water upon the sands of +the desert. Their bones lie bleaching in the sun; a witness to thy +barbarity and cruelty You have burnt my children's homes; driven off +their flocks, laid waste their lands and destroyed their wells; but with +parched throats and blistered tongues they curse you."</p> + +<p>"Dear me!" was all the Buccaneer could say. Egypt continued: "You have +set my children at each other's throats, and yet you dare stand before +me." The Buccaneer turned to go away and Dogvane prepared to follow and +showed considerable alacrity in getting to the boat. The parting words +of Egypt fell upon the ears of the old Sea King and dwelt long in his +memory; being very unwelcome guests there; making their voices heard +when all else was wrapped in slumber. "Hence thou blighting plague!" she +cried, or rather hissed. "Begone thou hypocrite! thou Christian +masquerader! for in thy footsteps follow poverty, ruin, and misery. May +the curses of the widow and the fatherless attend thee!"</p> + +<p>"Tut, tut!" ejaculated Dogvane, "how the hussy raves!"</p> + +<p>"God bless me!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, when they were well away. "What +say you to that, Master Dogvane?"</p> + +<p>"As a curse, sir, it is undoubtedly good, and as a specimen of female +anger it is by no means bad. The baggage! Here is ingratitude for you. +But I told you how it would be, sir. I had a kind of a presentiment that +the other watch had been at their handiwork even here."</p> + +<p>"If you, Master Dogvane, were as ready to keep out of difficulties as +you are to saddle them upon other people's backs it would be the better +for you."</p> + +<p>"It is enough to make a saint swear," replied the captain. "I feel +inclined to register a vow to heaven never again to do a good turn to a +living soul. What language the vixen used!"</p> + +<p>"She called me a hypocrite! a Christian masquerader! I, who pride myself +upon my righteousness. I, who have held my head so high, to be called a +Christian masquerader!"</p> + +<p>"Sir," said Dogvane with extreme respect, "if one so humble, may dare +offer an opinion, I should say that pride is not a Christian virtue, and +sooner or later it must have its fall."</p> + +<p>"Yes, fellow! but I do not want the fall to come from thy hands. Is +this what you call being respected abroad? Is this your pinnacle of +greatness?"</p> + +<p>"I am not to blame, my master. It is the other watch. What though the +Egyptian gipsy raves; what though our cousin Germany and fickle France +be cold, and Austria and Turkey aggrieved by some idle words, say if you +like, of mine, you have with you, my master, the whole Calf of Man."</p> + +<p>"Out upon thee for a blatant wind-bag!" cried the Buccaneer, now out of +all patience with Dogvane. "Out of my sight," he exclaimed, "keep clear +of me, or, by Heaven, you will have with you the whole toe of my broad +boot." They took to their boat, and the Buccaneer ordered his men to +bend their backs to their oars. Dogvane, who knew his master too well to +trifle with him in his present mood, doubled himself up in the bows, and +taking out of his pocket his Bible, he was soon lost in the Mosaic +Cosmogony.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXVIII" id="CHAPTER_XXVIII"></a>CHAPTER XXVIII.</h2> + + +<p>The captain of the watch thought it would never do for his master to +arrive home in his present frame of mind, for if he did, there would be, +as sailors say, "The devil to pay, and no pitch hot." The other watch, +too, would be sure to take advantage of the cloudy state of the weather +to stir up strife and discord, and no stone ought to be left unturned to +prevent this; so old Dogvane thought. He fully believed with that +clever, funny little fellow, the cook, that the other watch were a +greedy lot of office grabbers. Their hunger, perhaps, might be in a +measure accounted for by the small amount of food they received of that +particular kind.</p> + +<p>The bold Buccaneer paced the deck in moody silence, and ever and anon +turned a look back to the land of ruin he had left behind him. The words +of the gipsy were still ringing in his ears. Old Dogvane was at the +wheel, and he anxiously watched the old rover's face. The Buccaneer when +in anger was not unlike a thunder storm. He made almost as much noise, +he was quite as destructive, and nearly as uncontrollable; but if left +alone he in time worked himself out, and after the storm, came the +proverbial calm.</p> + +<p>The canny old captain having waited a while, watched his opportunity, +and he made bold to speak, couching his language in the most respectful +terms; but first of all to attract attention he muttered something to +himself.</p> + +<p>"What is that thou sayest?" asked the Buccaneer, stopping short in his +walk.</p> + +<p>"Nothing sir, nothing," was Dogvane's reply; "I was merely thinking as +it were, to myself, of the land we have just left behind us, and I was +saying to myself, sir, only to myself, that needs must when the devil +drives." It would be difficult to know to what the captain's words had +reference. In all probability he did not know himself, but an old saying +is generally a safe one, for it may mean much or little, or even nothing +at all.</p> + +<p>"In what way are you heading now, Master Dogvane?" asked the Buccaneer.</p> + +<p>This gave the old captain the opportunity he had been looking for.</p> + +<p>"You see, sir," he replied, "it is all very well for this Egyptian hag +to curse; but I was driven by necessity to do what I did, and +indirectly, if not directly, the other watch are responsible for the +blood that has been shed."</p> + +<p>"Still on the old tack, Master Dogvane; still on the old tack? Will you +be for ever putting the saddle upon other backs but your own?"</p> + +<p>"Heaven forbid that I should accuse any body of men wrongfully; but the +other watch have, or seem to have an especial aptitude for getting into +scrapes. They are a quarrelsome lot and their captain has a proud +stomach. But look you, master, at this Egyptian baggage. See what a +disorderly house she kept; I will not say disreputable, for God forbid +that I should take away any woman's character. But her house was such a +disgrace to all concerned, that we had to interfere. The Arab is a brave +man; but he is a heathen, and full of atrocity; a follower of an +impostor, what then if we slew a few of them; if by doing so we saved, +as the saying is, our own bacon? For the same reason we, as I have +already said, put your beloved son into a pit, and no doubt, he would +have been saved even as Joseph was, only a little thing prevented it, he +was slain in the meantime. Had it not been for this little accident, I +have every reason to believe that he would have risen far higher than +ever Joseph did in the Egyptian household." The Buccaneer was now +sitting upon the after-sky-light, and became an attentive listener to +the captain, who continued:</p> + +<p>"Even as Joshua discomfited Amalek and his people with the edge of the +sword, so have we the black population of the Soudan. The heathen +furiously raged, and we smote them hip and thigh. The cross has again +triumphed over the crescent."</p> + +<p>This allusion to the Buccaneer's religion was a happy one, but who knew +the master better than Dogvane? Was Dogvane then a humbug? Good people +all, upon this subject there will be a diversity of opinion, for his +enemies accused him of many worse things than being a humbug, while his +friends and admirers were ready to canonize him as a saint. The true +course, perhaps, lay in the middle of the stream. Dogvane continued, +"Have you so little love for your religion, sir, that the slaughtering +of a few thousands of infidels causes you remorse, and sorrow? Why in +olden days you slew thousands of Christians without the smallest +compunction; why then cry over the spilling of a little infidel blood? +Time was, sir, when you would have regarded the affair otherwise. For +every one of your sons killed, I dare swear a thousand Arabs have +fallen, leaving the balance largely in favour of Christianity, and so +clearing the ground ready for a purer faith. The weeds have been torn up +by the roots, so that flowers may be sown. What though we did kill a few +thousands of people, did not Pekah, king of Israel, slay in Judea, one +hundred and twenty thousand persons in one day? Would any one say Pekah +did wrong?" The Buccaneer was mollified. It no doubt flattered his +vanity being compared to the ancient king of Israel.</p> + +<p>"But she called me a hypocrite; a Christian masquerader, Dogvane," he +said.</p> + +<p>"Who, sir, would ever think of paying the slightest attention to what an +angry woman says? Why ten to one if we were to return there now, you +would find there had been a heavy fall of rain and all was sunshine +again, and if you taxed her with her words, she would swear she had +never used them."</p> + +<p>"I would even now retrace my way to yonder land, that is just sinking +below the horizon, if I thought it would be as you say."</p> + +<p>"Counting upon the extreme uncertainty of a woman's mind, I have no +doubt it would be so, and if my master wishes it, about we go. But +stay, second thoughts they say are best. This Mediterranean is a +treacherous sea. Storms often rising beneath the serenest sky. Besides, +it would ill become one in my master's position of high respectability +to dally away his time as Mark Antony did in this self-same land. A +woman, sir, is far more dangerous in her softer moods than in her anger. +It is under the mellowing influence of a smile that the hardest men +fall. We had better keep our head pointed homewards. Then, sir, we can +retrace our steps at our own convenience, and receive from the Egyptian +gipsy's cooler mind the thanks we deserve. These Easterns are a prolific +race, and multiply as fast as flies. To lop off the surplus population +with the sword is a benefit. A tree is all the better for the occasional +application of the knife."</p> + +<p>Thus did Dogvane clear away the anger from his master's mind. He played +upon all his weaknesses, and he approached him above all on the side of +his religion, and, as will appear hereafter, on the side also of his +trade which touched him more nearly even than his religion. Perhaps one +side of religion is not, nor has it been in the past, fully appreciated. +It has always proved an instrument to work off the surplus population. +Even that gentlest and most peaceful of all, that religion which was +breathed out over the world, near two thousand years ago, has often and +often, been dragged in to sanction, and sanctify, the bloodiest and, at +times, the most unholy of wars. As people will bring forth and multiply, +in obedience to Divine command, it is fortunate that pestilence and +famine have so able an ally to keep in check the flood of human nature.</p> + +<p>Dogvane, finding he was master of the situation, said: "I had in Egypt, +sir, as I told you, a deep and subtle game, but of that, no matter. If +your old servant has displeased you, shift watches, say I, and joy to +those who come after us."</p> + +<p>Of course there was no better way to obtain a hearing than to excite the +Buccaneer's curiosity and then stop short. The trick succeeded, for +Dogvane was at first asked and then entreated, or rather commanded, to +disclose his policy. Having stowed away his quid in the lining of his +hat, and expectorated freely over the ship's side, as every honest +sailor should, before commencing a lengthy yarn, the captain thus began. +It has been mentioned that at a yarn he could not be beaten.</p> + +<p>"Day and night, sir," he said, "my thoughts dwell upon your affairs, and +we often sit up late on board the old Ship of State discussing them. +Often, and often has broad-faced day looked in upon our counsels."</p> + +<p>"I am sorry to hear, Master Dogvane, that the Ojabberaways indulge at +times in rebellion, and even indecent conduct on board the old ship. If +they are not very careful I shall punish them. I shall stop their grog; +but proceed."</p> + +<p>"The Ojabberaways do at times, sir, make use of unseemly language; but +it is their bringings up. I cannot deny between ourselves that our trade +has been falling off. Our neighbours have learnt very much; they have in +a measure overtaken us, and unless we are careful, sir, they will beat +us on our own ground."</p> + +<p>"But when the other watch said this, Master Dogvane, you stoutly denied +it."</p> + +<p>"That was done, sir, as a matter of principle. Of course we could not +conscientiously admit anything to be right that the other watch said. +But there are other grounds, sir, for silence; for to use a homely +proverb, it is never wise to cry stinking fish. That holds good all the +world over. In the management of one's private affairs silence is +golden. Our trade is undoubtedly depressed. Boots, shoes and woollen +stuffs may be up, as our doughty carpenter said, but other things are +sadly down. It cannot be denied, for instance, that the demand for +heathen gods has sadly fallen off in recent years."</p> + +<p>"Have the labours then of my missionaries been crowned with such +success? Are infidels turning from the errors of their ways, Master +Dogvane?"</p> + +<p>"Heaven only knows, sir! the fact remains the same; whether it is that +the endeavours of your missionaries have been blessed; or whether it is +that the gods made at your great idol manufactery of Brummagem are not +up to the usual standard of perfection I know not; but there it is, +heathen gods are a drug in the market."</p> + +<p>"Dogvane, this is a most weighty matter, and it must be looked to. +Idolatry is a dreadful thing; most degraded and very much to be +condemned; but it is better than nothing, and until the heathen become +converted it would not be well, nay it would be cruel to take from them +whatever little comfort they may find in their brazen images. To +counteract any evil influence that may arise from the worship of these +things, Dogvane, order my State Church to purify the idols before they +leave our shores. Give instructions, Dogvane, directly we arrive home, +to our High Priest to this effect. Command him to have solemn prayers +and fastings, so that they may, all of them, be the better able to +wrestle with the devil. It would be as well also, Dogvane, to bid the +rich amongst them to share what they have with their poorer brethren, +who will be the better able to pray when their minds are not distracted +by the emptiness of their stomachs, for we hear there are poor amongst +them. Let all my divines of every denomination humble themselves before +their God. Why that troubled look, Master Dogvane?"</p> + +<p>"This is a delicate matter, sir. I have noticed the ecclesiastical +temper does not brook much interference. It does not appear to me that +they care very much about humbling themselves. Had that young rascal, +Random Jack, belonged to our watch this would have been again a +favourable opportunity for him to show his zeal and courage."</p> + +<p>"Dogvane, I notice a disposition in you at times to shirk your duty," +the Buccaneer said.</p> + +<p>"Master, not another word. I will brave the displeasure of all your many +religious denominations rather than you should harbour such a thought +about old Bill Dogvane."</p> + +<p>"Bid, then, my priest pray over these idols, sprinkling them well with +holy water. Who knows, Dogvane, but that some good may thus be done? +These brazen images being blessed by our pious divines may carry into +the midst of the heathen some subtle influence, and by some mysterious +agency they may be converted even at the very time they are praying to +their false gods. Dogvane, it is worth the trial, and at any cost we +must prevent the trade from falling into the hands of our unscrupulous +and unconscientious neighbours." The Buccaneer was silent for a few +moments, then he said: "Dogvane, I am fully convinced that even in this +world sin brings its own punishment; and this falling off in our trade +in idols may be due entirely to a falling off in the article. Have you +received any information of a confidential nature that either France or +Germany or our cousin Jonathan have gone in for this industry?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir, I have no official communication on the subject; though +Jonathan has that turn for business that he would manufacture anything +from a tin pin to a brazen image; while, if it would only pay, he would +turn out devils by the thousand."</p> + +<p>"You may depend upon it, Dogvane, that this depression in our trade is +owing either to the inferiority or costliness of the article. Here lies +the keystone of our mercantile failures."</p> + +<p>"Then, sir, there are other things. Our cotton stuffs hang heavy upon +our hands. In fact, we want fresh fields for all our industries."</p> + +<p>"Ah! say you so; where, Master Dogvane, is your remedy for this evil?"</p> + +<p>"Sir, the eye of your faithful servant has rested upon the naked +population of the Soudan. To clothe this people in our fabrics would +take many millions of yards of your cotton stuffs."</p> + +<p>"The idea, Dogvane, is certainly a good one, and it pleases me. Let us +hasten to put it to the trial lest our neighbours be beforehand with us. +Say not a word, Dogvane, of this when we get home, for if the idea gets +wind some of our many cheap-Jacks will take possession of it and turn it +to account; for, as you say, that fellow Jonathan has a keen eye for +business, and if he could he would try to get to windward of his own +father. The selfishness of our friends, Dogvane, is always to me a +fruitful source of regret. But let us not forget that our primary object +is not the selling of our goods at a remunerative price—no, Heaven +forbid!—it is the converting of the heathen. The base motive of gain +would not make me stir hand or foot in this matter; but to bring these +poor benighted savages into our fold, Dogvane, is a worthy ambition. To +make them Christians like ourselves, good Dogvane, would be a glorious +thing. This, I say, must be our very first consideration. Into our +cotton stuffs let there be worked some moral precept; or better still, +some prayer. A waistcloth, Dogvane, if used fore and aft would be a +suitable table for the Ten Commandments, which would thus be +conveniently placed before the eyes of all. In time the seed thus sown +on the outside of the black soil may take root inwardly and bring forth +much good fruit. By degrees the whole population may become converted, +and putting away the habit of barbarism may put on the garb of +civilisation, thus opening out for us a wide field whereto to send our +industries. Our ales will moisten their parched lips, increase their +stamina, and strengthen their inward man. Our spirits, too, will +supplant the vile concoctions they at present drink. Being thus +strengthened in body and soul, their intellect likewise will become +stronger. Their eyes will be opened, and a new and more beautiful world +will dawn upon them. It is a grand idea, Dogvane, and well worthy of +you. Commence at once. By converting this people we shall reap the +reward of millions of fresh consumers. Stop slaughtering, Dogvane; stop +at once. It is inhuman, it is cruel; besides they are only fighting for +their hearth and home, and what people so base as not to shed their +blood in so good a cause? Stay, then, our hand, for by cutting their +throats, Master Dogvane, you are contracting the field for our home +industries. There is undoubtedly a bright future in front of us, and +you, Dogvane, have done much to re-establish yourself in my good +opinion."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer was quite elated. His step became buoyant again. The dark +cloud that had rested upon his brow passed away. "Soon," he said, "we +shall again hear the merry rattle of our looms. Our stills will have +fresh life thrown into them. The heavy scent of the hop shall weight our +atmosphere; and rest like a grateful fragrance over our island home. Our +friend and helpmate, old John Barleycorn, shall lift again his cheery +head, and in his train will come, dancing merrily, his hand-maidens, +Colombia root, camomile, quassia and cheretta."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer was in such excellent spirits that he began singing an old +drinking song of his, to the merits of John Barleycorn, and he made +Dogvane join in the chorus. Thus they merrily passed the time, until the +look-out man aloft cried out: "Land ho!" and soon the bold coast of the +Buccaneer's strong-hold loomed out in the distance.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXIX" id="CHAPTER_XXIX"></a>CHAPTER XXIX.</h2> + + +<p>It is necessary now to shift our scene and to retrace our steps.</p> + +<p>Opposite the old Ship of State there stood on the land, a little back +from the river, an ancient and old-fashioned public-house. It had a +picturesque appearance, with its quaint gable ends and mullioned +windows. Its different styles of architecture and its patched walls led +you step by step from the present to the remote past, for it was an +antique hostelry. It was two storied and had two large chambers, and if +the walls of these could speak, they could many a tale unfold. What +scenes too they had seen and what noble personages. The old clock that +stood sentinel there had ticked many a brave man to his grave. In that +old public-house the greatness of the old Sea King had been built up, +and the spirit of many a brave lad still haunted the place. A large +sign-board swung heavily on a beam, projecting from the wall in front, +just above the door. The name of the public-house was written in large +letters. It was called the <span class="smcap">CONSTITUTION</span>; under this there was a scroll, +on which was written the Buccaneer's motto, "<span class="smcap">Dieu et mon Droit</span>," and the +whole was surmounted by a crown. This was the favourite resort of both +watches, and, in fact, of the whole crew of the Ship of State, Upper +Chamber and all. No more respectable, or better conducted house could be +found the whole world over. Many thought the Beggar Woman ought to have +been the landlady of this ancient establishment, but she was not.</p> + +<p>Though well on in the night the Port Watch were still sitting in the +snug parlour of the Constitution, sipping their grog, smoking their +pipes and yarning over things in general; at the head of the table was +the captain, Bob Mainstay, and by his side his first lieutenant, honest +Ben Backstay. Many of the other officers were also there, and they were +trying to keep their spirits up by pouring spirits down, but they could +not do it. Things looked gloomy, and they seemed to see no break in the +clouds ahead. But it is said that the longest lane has its turning, and +to those that wait all things come. Of one thing they all felt assured, +if Bill Dogvane was allowed to keep the helm of the Ship of State much +longer the Buccaneer would find things at pretty sixes and sevens. But +how was the helm to be taken out of his hands? That was the question.</p> + +<p>Their meditations were interrupted by a gentle knock at the door, and on +permission being given to come in, the door was gently opened, as if the +intruder was not certain of the reception. It was the Beggar Woman. +"Kind gentlemen," she said, "will you assist a poor woman? With weary +steps I have begged from door to door, but no one will assist me or let +me in. A crust of bread, good gentlemen, for the love you bear your +country, for I am cold and starved with hunger."</p> + +<p>"Come in," cried a dozen voices at once. "It is a shame," one added, +"that you should be thus neglected; but what can we do, my lass? So long +as the Starboard Watch is aboard the old ship there, things will be as +they are."</p> + +<p>"Let us have a shift of watches, and then you will see what you will +see," said another.</p> + +<p>"Cannot you help us, madam," asked the captain, "to oust old Dogvane and +his lot? He made up to you, courted you, chucked you under the chin, and +then the rascal jilted you. The Port Watch would not have served you so +scurvily, you may swear."</p> + +<p>"Good gentlemen," replied Patriotism, "the people on shore all turn a +deaf ear to my entreaties, or say, anon, anon, good woman, and then +hasten away about other business, or to pay their addresses to my rival, +Party."</p> + +<p>The Port Watch now took the Beggar Woman in tow, for they hoped that she +would help them. They all set to discussing the state of affairs, and +turned over in their minds different plans of action. What they wanted +was a good watchword and a safe cry. When they had been for some time +talking over the matter without any satisfactory results; for they had +passed in review all their old tactics without deriving very much +satisfaction, because, as they all said, they had failed before to dish +Dogvane with them, and in all probability they would fail again.</p> + +<p>Just as things seemed to look at their worst, the door burst open, and +in rushed Random Jack. He was breathless, dripping wet, and his teeth +were chattering with cold.</p> + +<p>"Hallo!" cried the captain. "What ducking pool have you fallen foul of, +my little lad?"</p> + +<p>"Mates!" cried Random Jack as he sank down on one of the seats, first of +all having carefully removed the crimson cushion for fear of wetting it. +"Give me a tot of grog, and make it hot and strong, for I am drenched to +the skin, and the very marrow in my bones is frozen. Pretty things I +have to tell."</p> + +<p>The landlady of the old Constitution public-house was quite distressed +to see the poor little middy in such a sorry plight. She was a buxom +motherly woman, and nothing would do but she must get him a shift of +things, or, as she said, the boy would catch his death of cold. Having +brought him a suit of clothes which Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher, had +left behind, Random Jack got into them, and though, as he said, they +were miles too large, they were better than nothing. He tied the +trousers round his neck, thrust his arms through the pockets, and thus +saved the necessity of a waistcoat.</p> + +<p>"Well, my little man," said the captain. "What is in the wind now?"</p> + +<p>Random Jack took a deep draught, and then said: "That is good, and warms +the cockles of my heart. Mother," he cried, turning to the landlady, +"fill me another glass. Now, my mates, the likes of what I have to tell, +you've never heard before. It will make your very hair stand on end, +that is, of course, those who have any, and for those who haven't, no +matter. Better to follow my example and fortify yourselves with good +stiff glasses, three fingers deep, if you take my advice, and little +water. No doubt, my mates, you have all read of mutinies, conspiracies, +and such like; I have one to tell you about, that will surprise you."</p> + +<p>"My goodness!" cried the landlady, as she busied about her orders. "Just +hear how the little man talks!"</p> + +<p>"Your news, my lad! your news!" came from many, as they one and all +eagerly crowded round the little middy.</p> + +<p>"Lend all of you, your ears, my mates. Knowing that the governor was +from home and that the cunning old fox was with him, I thought I would +just stow myself away on board the old ship there, just to see how they +passed the watches of the night. Just to see, mates, if I could catch +any of the weasels sleeping. Some of them are wide enough awake, I can +tell you." Here he winked at the company.</p> + +<p>"Throw it off, my lad!" cried the captain. "Don't go beating about the +bush, but come to the point at once. So you were a stowaway." They +contemplated the little middy with wonder, for most of them had never +seen a stowaway before.</p> + +<p>Random Jack, being thus exhorted and encouraged to make a clean breast +of it, disclosed the whole of the diabolical conspiracy of the cook's +caboose, and how it was that he had so frightened Billy Cheeks, the +butcher. This part of the proceedings caused no little merriment. Bob +Mainstay, having listened to the story from beginning to end, exclaimed, +as he slapped his leg: "Mates, I see land ahead. It strikes me we have +old Bill on the hip at last. Madam!" he said, turning to the Beggar +Woman, who had remained a silent listener to the midshipman's story. +"Madam, with your help I think we shall be able to dish old Dogvane. +What with the Church Hulk in danger and old Squire Broadacre on the war +path, and general discontent all round, the devil must be in it if we +cannot clear the ship of its present vermin." The Beggar Woman promised +to do her best, for her sympathies were for the most part with the Port +Watch; perhaps, because on the whole, they treated her best. She was +given an order to get a spic and span new outfit of silks and satins, +and she received invitations to many feasts, but frequent adversity made +her bear this turn of fortune with becoming modesty.</p> + +<p>The Port Watch were now in high spirits and began talking of what they +would do when they took charge of the ship. The little middy was highly +complimented; and the captain promised to reward his courage and virtue +with a good billet. He was pretty well sure now of promotion.</p> + +<p>"Who laughs now?" cried Random Jack. "I owe one to Master Dogvane and to +Billy Cheeks. The cook, he is a Jack-pudding, and I will baste him well +with his own dripping." These were bold words; but the cook did not hear +them.</p> + +<p>"Now, my lads!" exclaimed the captain, "we must work with a will. Would +that our master had returned; but we must make things ready for him when +he does. Away some of you on board the old Church Hulk. Wake her crew +up, and let your cry be Church in danger. Others of you hasten to the +Squire and tell him there are robbers about."</p> + +<p>"A toast before we part," cried Random Jack.</p> + +<p>"Here is general damnation to old Bill Dogvane, and all his crew!" All +laughed, and the toast was drunk with enthusiasm, and they were all just +about to separate when some one fired a shell amidst them by saying, +"How about the Ojabberaways?"</p> + +<p>"To make any compact with them," said the captain, "would be an unholy +thing."</p> + +<p>"Any port in a storm," cried Random Jack, who was now, what with the +grog and the flattery he had received, in high feather. "They have their +price; are they worth it? If we don't buy them old Dogvane will. There's +the rub."</p> + +<p>Here the noise outside of two women wrangling claimed their attention, +and one and all ran out to see what was the matter. They found Liberty +and the Beggar Woman in angry altercation about a lout of a boy. Indeed, +boy he could scarcely be called, for he was approaching nearer to +manhood. It was Demos. "Indeed, madam!" cried Liberty with a sneer, "it +does not appear from your dress that you are held in very great +estimation amongst my master's people." Patriotism had not yet received +her new clothing. Then Liberty continued in the same tone: "You are +somewhat old-fashioned methinks! What would you have me do with my boy? +Would you have me clap a gag in his mouth, or muzzle him as if he were a +dog in the dog-days?"</p> + +<p>"You need not pamper and pet him," exclaimed the Beggar Woman, "until he +becomes a perfect nuisance to every one. Why don't you teach him to work +for an honest living?"</p> + +<p>"Because the boy is not strong; besides, he does not like work, do you, +dear?"</p> + +<p>"Why should I work," cried Demos, "when others play? Others live and +fatten in idleness, why not I?"</p> + +<p>"Bread that is buttered too thickly is not wholesome food," was the +Beggar Woman's reply.</p> + +<p>"The boy is a clever boy," exclaimed Madam Liberty. "He is wonderfully +good at speaking; and he is good at figures; and he shall not be kept +back; shall you, dear?"</p> + +<p>"Mind he does not turn and bite the hand that has fed and petted him," +replied the Beggar Woman, and the two parted.</p> + +<p>The old coxswain, as he watched the retreating steps of Liberty and her +boy, said: "There you go with that spoilt brat of yours. A wilful woman +never yet wanted for woe, and to spoil a child is to put a rod in pickle +for your own back."</p> + +<p>A quaint sound was now heard, like the wailing of a pig in pain. Some +thought it must be the cook playing a tune in the early morning upon his +barrel organ; but the sound did not come from the direction of the old +ship. It turned out to be the national music of the Ojabberaways, and +presently a voice by no means untuneful, sang, "Come back to Erin, +Mavourneen, Mavourneen."</p> + +<p>The Ojabberaways were serenading both Liberty and Patriotism, while in +the back ground was the cheap-Jack Jonathan, who provided the dollars +for the serenade, also for other entertainments which the Ojabberaways +got up to please themselves and annoy the old Buccaneer.</p> + +<p>Opinions varied very much as to whether the Port Watch did, or did not, +make a treaty with these people. Such a thing could scarcely be +conceivable; but for party purposes either watch, it was said, would +sell themselves to the devil. Some went so far as to say that Random +Jack had had something to do with it; but then, when anyone comes out of +obscurity, there is scarcely a thing that he is not supposed to be +capable of doing; and a place is found for his finger in every pie. +Happy is the man who never leaves the smooth, broad, and well-beaten +path of mediocrity! He will escape many evils, and even slander will +pass him by for the most part with contempt; for her sport is with +bigger game. "This only grant me, that my means may lie too low for +envy, for contempt too high." So sang a poet long years ago.</p> + +<p>It was generally believed that old Bill Dogvane had a secret +understanding with these Ojabberaways. There can be no doubt that he +smiled upon the boy Demos, who was showing signs of giving trouble. He +was becoming intoxicated with the very worst of all things, namely, his +own self-conceit, and the old hands shook their wise heads, and said +that if the Buccaneer was not very careful this boy would break out and +disturb the peace. This child of Madam Liberty was a difficulty; and how +to treat him became a matter of the gravest consideration. Be kind to +him and he would mistake it for weakness, and take advantage of it at +once. Kick him, beat him, or try to drive him, and he became as stubborn +as an ass. All agreed that he required a very strong hand, and yet not +too rough a one. The conspirators of the cook's caboose were one and all +on the boy's side; and the cook himself acted the part of an indulgent +foster father to him. Buttering the boy's bread as thick as he possibly +could, and giving him constantly cakes and other sweetmeats; some said +this was done out of pure contrariness, because Pepper could not be +happy if he were as others; but while the cook told the boy that he was +being kept out of his just dues by an idle lot of rich drones, and +hinting to him that it would be no great crime to put his hand into the +pockets of these people, he said not a word about sharing his own +worldly goods with the boy; and the cook had laid up for himself riches +upon earth, but he was a wise man, and took good care that no thief +should break into his house and steal.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXX" id="CHAPTER_XXX"></a>CHAPTER XXX.</h2> + + +<p>The Port Watch mingled about amongst the people and told them of all the +wonderful things that had happened, and of the many more wonderful +things that would be sure to happen if they did not at once combine +together and get their master, the old Sea King, to change the watches. +Of course the doings of the Port Watch could not be concealed from the +Starboard Watch, who went about contradicting, and swearing there was +not a word of truth in the whole thing.</p> + +<p>The cook took under his especial care the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber, and +it is tolerably certain that happiness would not come to Pepper on his +death-bed, unless that lumber room with all its antiquated furniture was +cleared out of the old ship, and replaced by some assemblage of men as +clever as what the cook was himself; but to get the modest number of +only twelve such men, in a whole kingdom, would be almost impossible, +and this is providential.</p> + +<p>The butcher was not idle. He did not speak much; but when he did, it was +to the purpose, and no one could say more cutting things than could +Billy Cheeks. He also thought a good deal; he was driven to this +extremity because most people, and most things, were beneath his notice. +The carpenter took under his care the family of Hodge; the members of +which were generally accredited with a full share of stupidity and +ignorance; but it is wonderful how the aspect of things changes when you +want to get anything out of people. Then we find virtues that were never +seen before, and that the individuals themselves never even dreamt of. +Then in the distance was the large family of Sikes. No one as yet had +found much virtue in them; but they were ready for anything that might +turn up, outside of it.</p> + +<p>"Honest Hodge," cried the carpenter from the top of a barrel, "for +generations you have been oppressed."</p> + +<p>"'Ave I now?" exclaimed Hodge, scratching his honest head. "I thought +summut was wrong."</p> + +<p>The boy Demos who had been playing pitch and toss with the cook, left +the game to attend to what looked to him more like business.</p> + +<p>"For generations," cried the carpenter, "you have been ignored and +defrauded by one whose rights are arbitrary, and almost absolute, for +they extend from the heavens above, to the earth beneath, and to the +waters under the earth." Demos became a most attentive listener and he +liked the tack the carpenter was on.</p> + +<p>Chips continued, "The minerals are his. The timber is his, and so are +the birds of the air, and the fish that swim in the streams, and I +suppose that the greater part of all that the industry and toil of man +has added to the original value of that property, is now practically +subject to the land owner's sole consideration and good. Now I want to +see you, honest Hodge, replaced upon the old squire's land, at a fair +compensation, of course."</p> + +<p>Upon hearing this Demos winked at Hodge, but the latter being very slow +of intellect, and moreover honest, did not take the wink in.</p> + +<p>"But," said Hodge, "if the squire won't part, maister; what be we to do +then?"</p> + +<p>"If the squire will not do his duty," replied the carpenter, "he must be +made to."</p> + +<p>"And what be we to get out of it?" Hodge asked.</p> + +<p>"The least you can expect, will be three acres and a cow," was the +carpenter's reply; or the reply of a friend of his.</p> + +<p>Here one of the Sike's family pushed his way to the front, and +addressing himself to the carpenter, said, "Master, what are we to get +out of this crib you're agoing to crack?"</p> + +<p>The question being an extremely awkward one to answer, the carpenter +pretended not to hear it. This is always a safe way out of such a +difficulty if the questioner be not persevering.</p> + +<p>The Port Watch struck a more popular, and at the same time, a more +honest chord. "Look!" they cried, "at our market places! They are full +of the cheap produce of our neighbours, who do a thriving business while +our own people are starving. They bring their goods here without let or +hindrance; but they shut their own doors against us, or make us pay +toll. Look at the river there! that used to be crowded with our own +craft. Now you see the flag of every nation floating upon its bosom, +while our own ships are rotting for the want of something to do. Foreign +competition is ousting you from your markets as the marten ousts the +squirrel from her nest. If you want a coat, or a pair of trousers made, +in comes your foreign tailor who will sew and stitch for sixteen hours a +day for what is barely sufficient to keep body and soul together. If +you, my lads, come down, he will come down lower."</p> + +<p>At this speech loud cries of indignation rose up from a multitude of +listeners, and the spokesman of a crowd of sailors, jumping up on a tar +barrel, exclaimed, "Damme, my mates! (It is a bad habit, but sailors +will swear.) The gentlemen of the Port Watch says true. We are being +weathered by these lubberly furriners, who visit our shores in shoals +like mackerel; and thus take all the wind out of our sails. Damme, +mates! they are that mean that a well worn quid won't escape them, can +we work against such varmint as these?"</p> + +<p>"No!" came from a thousand hoarse throats.</p> + +<p>"Is it right, my hearties," continued the speaker, "that the old man +should treat us like this?"</p> + +<p>"It ain't right," came from all sides.</p> + +<p>"Where would our master be now without us?" cried the sailor, "where +will he be if he allows these furrin chaps to put us down below hatches? +Who then will he have to trim and shorten his sails when the stormy +winds do blow? Will these fellows club-haul him off a lee-shore in the +teeth of a gale of difficulties; or fight for him his battles? Not they, +I'll swear."</p> + +<p>The old sailor's yarn met with very great approval, and as is the custom +with all sailors they freely damned their own eyes, and hitched up +their trousers and swore that things were not as they ought to be; but +the cheap-Jacks still went about amongst them and sold their goods, and +people bought. Up too spoke many others, and there was scarcely a man to +be found, or woman either, that was contented.</p> + +<p>There was a movement amongst the crowd and the old cox'sn came forward, +and getting up on the place vacated by the sailor, cried out: "Heave to, +my hearties, whilst you hear to a brother sailor spin you a yarn." There +was a feeling now pretty prevalent that they were in for a good thing. +"No doubt," he said, "many of you here know me by name."</p> + +<p>"Aye, aye, Jack, we know you," came from many; "you are as long-winded +as a sky pilot, or as old Bill Dogvane, and any one knows he has wind +enough to fill the sails of a line o' battleship."</p> + +<p>The old cox'sn, nothing daunted, continued: "Belay talking, my lads. No +doubt many of you know me by name, but many of you have no other +acquaintance with me, more is the pity say I. Long-winded I may be; but +I don't go about emptying myself like a wind-bag; but let that fly stick +to the wall. Many a voyage I have taken with my old master, and when on +the Spanish main together, looking out for the Don, we learnt a thing or +two. The Spaniards say, my lads, that it is always a good, and safe +thing, to search well yourself when anything goes wrong with you, and +that is what old Jack Commonsense tells you now. You want our master to +do this, and to do that, to protect this trade and that; but damme, +shipmates, legislation never yet stopped a leak in a cask, nor made a +stale egg into a fresh one. My mates! you are all of you heading in the +wrong direction. There are breakers ahead, so put your helm down and go +about as soon as you can. Don't you listen to those wiseacres who are +going to put everybody and everything right. The cook, he is a clever +lad, and can spin a cheerful yarn, but let him stick to his trade, and +the same I say to the carpenter and the butcher. You can never put an +injury right by committing a wrong, and if the carpenter or anyone else +wants to put his hand into the squire's pocket, he is only inviting a +thief into his own house. Let the cook then keep to his galley and cater +for the general public. His dishes are spicy, and then when he treats us +to a tune in his leisure hours upon his barrel organ, well, so much the +better, for there is no harm done."</p> + +<p>The crowd began to show signs of impatience, and old Jack was made +painfully aware that he was not a popular orator, for the lovers of +freedom hooted him; but he was not easily put down. "Here, lads!" he +cried, "is where my Spanish proverb comes in. Search well yourselves, +and see if any fault lies at home. It is no use anchoring yourselves by +your starns, and crying out that trade is going, and that the +cheap-Jacks are taking the wind out of your sails. You ain't obliged to +buy from them, and who brought them over, pray? If trade is gone from +amongst you; it is yourselves that you have to blame. In years gone by +you combined against your employers; I don't say you were at all times +wrong, but evil counsel sat at your boards, and with your bushel of good +came a sackful of bad, you drove your trade out of doors and now you cry +out: 'Help us or we starve!' If your platter and your pewter pot be +empty, you have yourselves to thank. No song, no supper, is a good old +saying. If you, my hearties, won't work your fair time for your fair +wage, there are others who will. When you combined against capital, +mess-mates, you frightened, if you did not kill, the goose that was +laying your golden eggs. She is a timid bird and will only lay where she +gets peace and quiet. Having done all this, you are now crying out to be +protected, and think that all will be well again if this thing and that +thing are only legislated for; but legislation, my lads, as I've said +before, never yet bolstered up either a rotten state or a decaying +trade. You may stop for a time the footstep of the one or the other, but +the fall will surely come again unless you tap the part affected and +stop the hole with good, sound, solid material. Look at you servants! +Why, you are always on the move; some of you even are idle and insolent. +Do you not see the gaunt form of Poverty in front of you? Away then will +go your airs and graces, your flaunting ribbons and your finery Beware +how you listen to the teaching of Demos. He is a dangerous companion and +generally turns and rends those who have housed and fed him. A bridle +for the mouth of an ass, and a rod for the back of a spoilt child."</p> + +<p>There was here some good-natured bandying of words, and old Jack was +recommended to try the bridle himself, just to see, as they said, how it +felt and how it fitted. Jack being a good-tempered fellow, continued his +harangue: "My advice, my hearties, to you is this. Turn to and live +thrifty lives. Take your hands out of your pockets. Do away with the +quart pot and you will increase the amount of stuff upon your platter. +If you cannot do away with the pewter altogether—and I am no +teetotaller myself—then reduce its size to at least a half. By a strict +regard to economy, and by practising self-denial and by cultivating your +understanding in a proper direction, try to turn out a better and a +cheaper article than your neighbours and so beat them on their own +ground. Do this, my hearties, and you will win back trade and regain +your place in the markets of the world."</p> + +<p>The old coxswain had been listened to for some time with a respectful +attention; but the doctrine he preached was not at all in keeping with +the general sentiments of the disaffected, who were stirred up and +incited to violence by Demos and his disciples, and very shortly there +was a disturbance of a serious nature. It was commenced by Demos, who +having gathered a crowd of followers round him, began to speak to them +in language peculiarly his own. The consequence of this was that some +one from amongst the crowd, aimed a brickbat, with too true an aim, at +the Buccaneer's old coxswain, who amidst the delighted yells of the mob +was knocked over. The excitement now was intense, for though old Jack +was not killed, he was severely bruised, and shaken, and taken very much +by surprise. Those who have never heard the angry howl of an infuriated +mob of Buccaneers can have no conception of the savageness of its sound. +The war whoop of the wildest Indians is soft compared to it, and the +roar of hungry wild beasts is less terrifying. Demos with what he called +"the people" now rushed to an open space, beautifully situated, but +called the Place of Discord, where four grim lions watch night and day, +but they never interfere, and nobody minds them. Here Demos harangued +the multitude; told them they were being starved and trodden under foot, +by the drones of the island. His language was violent in the extreme. He +called upon them to break their chain of slavery and to elect as their +ruler King Mob. This was but natural, so up on their shoulders they +hoisted the bloody tyrant and cried out: "Havoc and robbery; now shall +the gilded thieves disgorge their ill-gotten wealth." Away they made for +the rich quarters of the Buccaneer's fair city, intent upon plunder if +not murder; but they were met by the guardians of the peace, behind whom +came the old coxswain with a chosen band, cutlass in hand. He called +upon his men to rally round him. Now commenced a battle between the two +factions. The partisans of King Mob nerved on and excited by the hope of +plunder fell upon the champions of law and order. Heads were broken and +the combatants fell struggling to the ground, and the crowd swayed +backwards and forwards in fierce strife. At first the old coxswain and +his side seemed to be getting the worst of it, but he fought like a +veritable demon, laying about him in a fashion well worthy of the +Buccaneer's best fighting days.</p> + +<p>What seemed most strange was, that the watchword was the same on both +sides, namely Liberty. Step by step, the old Coxswain was beaten back +through a narrow gorge which opened on to a small square in the centre +of which was a statue representing Victory in her idle hours, playing at +quoits. This open space was flanked on one side by a museum of Naval and +Military antiquities, glorious relics of a glorious past. On the other +side of the square and away from the narrow gorge was another museum, +which was filled with a most valuable collection of ancient fossils, and +other scientific remains. Back into this open space the old coxswain and +his men were forced. Inch by inch they disputed the narrow way. Old Jack +every now and again let fly a quaint oath or two; but as he afterwards +said, the occasion justified the deed. In a voice of thunder he kept +cheering his men on, crying out, "Rally, men! Rally!" Just as King Mob +was pushing old Jack extremely hard, assistance came from an unexpected +quarter.</p> + +<p>The uncrowned queen had shut herself up indoors; but Madam Liberty upon +whom both sides had called, came now to the front and allied herself +with the coxswain. Knowing full well that if she allowed the ugly faced +monarch to gain the day, she herself would, in all probability, be bound +hand and foot, and cast into prison, with a gag in her mouth, she threw +all her weight on the side of the coxswain, and brought up just in time +her numerous followers to the rescue. Demos when he saw his mother +against him, made use of most disrespectful language, calling her all +kinds of bad names, which will not bear repeating. Just as Liberty +reinforced the coxswain in front, the Beggar Woman who was now mounted +on horseback, attacked King Mob with a strong force on his flank. Thus +assailed, and without either drill or discipline the would-be monarch +wavered, then turned and fled through the Place of Discord. The retreat +was disastrous, and his followers were driven back well within their own +quarters. As they went they did what damage they could; smashed windows +and laid their hands upon everything of value that came in their way.</p> + +<p>Thus was Demos and his father for the time at least defeated, and the +old coxswain and his allies were hailed as the saviours of the people. +In olden days, no doubt, he would have been accorded by universal +acclamation a triumph, when he would have made a public entry into the +Buccaneer's great city, mounted on a magnificent horse richly +caparisoned; with his two lieutenants, Liberty and Patriotism, riding +one on either side of him. Such things, however, have long ceased to be, +and now we can only read of them in the pages of history.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer's people celebrated the victory in a manner more in +keeping with their character and disposition. When the noise and turmoil +of the battle were over and the fighting men had left off swearing; when +their passions had cooled down a little, the bells upon the old Church +Hulk rang out a summons to prayers. The joyful sound was taken up by +every belfry on shore, and soon the clang of the iron tongues vibrated +all over the island. The many idlers took their last sip at the cup of +pleasure. The churches filled; the people prayed, the priests all +preached and the great Hat was sent round. That was never forgotten, no +matter what was going on. Many consciences were eased and all were +strengthened and made more ready for the wear and tear of everyday life; +while the cheap-Jacks took advantage of the pious moments of the +Buccaneer's people to push their trade.</p> + +<p>It is not to be supposed that the Buccaneer's Press gang were idle on +such an occasion. But to their credit it must be said that they all, +with about one exception, forgot their little differences and took the +side of law and order against the followers of King Mob.</p> + +<p>But now the big mouthed cannon belched forth the joyful tidings of the +Buccaneer's return. Loud cries of welcome greeted his ears as he stepped +ashore. "Hail! all hail! to the old sea king; to the mighty trader! Hail +to the Defender of the Faith, the ruler of the sea; to him on whose vast +dominions the sun never sets! Hail! all hail," so cried the people.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXI" id="CHAPTER_XXXI"></a>CHAPTER XXXI.</h2> + + +<p>The first thing that saluted the Buccaneer's ears after all the +rejoicings at his safe return were over, was a low, dull, rumbling sound +as if distant thunder.</p> + +<p>"What is that?" he asked of Dogvane.</p> + +<p>"I know not, sir; but the atmosphere is heavy, and there may be a storm +abrewing; but I hear nothing." This was an official statement on the +part of Dogvane that was wide of the truth.</p> + +<p>The art of lying has already been touched upon; but there are many kinds +of lies which have not been enumerated. There is the oblique lie, the +lie direct. The lie by implication and insinuation; and passing by the +various kinds of social lie there is the official and the diplomatic +lie. The latter is very much superior to the "lie vulgaris" or common +lie, and it moves in the very best society. It is a most polished +courtier. The official and diplomatic lie require very great skill and +study so as not to betray their owner. They require also a natural +aptitude, a schooled countenance, so that neither the eye, the voice, +nor the mouth discloses their secret. Your diplomatist especially, to be +successful, should be indeed a most refined and accomplished liar.</p> + +<p>Dogvane knew very well what the rumbling sound was. It was the Drum +Ecclesiastic. He thought for a moment and then muttered to himself, "Who +the devil has set that old instrument going?" Then after a pause he +said: "The handiwork, I'll be bound, of that young rascal Random Jack. +Drat his little skin! He's always in mischief."</p> + +<p>But louder and louder grew the sound, and in a short time there could be +no disguising the fact that the Church was sounding the alarm. Dogvane +thought it best to take at once the bull by the horns. "It's a bold +party stroke, sir," he said, "a very bold party stroke and well worthy +of the other watch. Knowing your love for the old craft, God bless her! +they have tried to frighten you. Their goings on are really shameful." +But now a most imposing procession formed up on board the Church Hulk +and headed by the High Priest, proceeded on board the Ship of State and +discovered to the Buccaneer and his trusty captain the vile and sinful +plot of the cook's caboose.</p> + +<p>No doubt in olden times the cook, the butcher and the carpenter, with +his mate, would have been cursed with bell and book, when the devil +would have put in an appearance and have carried the conspirators away +with him bodily to his infernal regions; but cursings have gone out of +fashion. In fact they seem to have lost their power, like drugs that +have been too long kept. The High Priest told the Buccaneer that his +cherished Church was in danger. That in fact there was a conspiracy +afloat, to board and rob her, and then to cast her adrift, when Heaven +alone knew what would become of her. Of one thing he felt certain; the +many flocks would wander about without shepherds, or would be tended by +those of inferior learning and understanding. The High Priest then began +to lecture the Buccaneer, thinking no doubt that he was the same pliant +and penitent gentleman as of old, when he was ever ready to fall upon +his knees and cry, "I have sinned." But now when the High Priest told +him that the danger to his Church was brought about by his selfishness, +worldliness, and general religious indifference, and that to counteract +all this accumulation of evil he ought to humble himself and scourge +himself inwardly by prayers and fastings, the bold Buccaneer opened out +in an altogether unexpected manner, and said: "Should not all this be +done by my State Church? At least," he added, "set me the example, and +where you lead there will I follow; but it is no use your pointing up +the steep hill which leads to heaven and bidding me walk, while you and +all your followers drive there in a well cushioned carriage and pair. If +my Church is in danger, the danger comes from within, and you have no +one to blame but yourselves. Let the crew of your ship, my lord, cease +squabbling amongst themselves about trifles. Let them set their face +against the pomps and vanities of the world, and let them look well +within to see if by chance any worldliness has got possession of their +own hearts."</p> + +<p>This cruel language shocked the Buccaneer's High Priest, and he was +about to reply; but the Buccaneer stopped him, saying; "Stay, stay a +minute, in the past you have lectured me a good deal and told me, no +doubt, many a home truth, and I thank you. I now return you the +compliment, for it may be of service to you, as you say your Church is +in danger. All things on board that old Hulk there are not as they +should be; for while some of her crew lead the life of Dives, too many +have to walk in the footsteps of Lazarus. The labour and the hire are +not equally divided. I am going now to look a little more into my +affairs, and I shall soon call upon you to render a just account of your +stewardship. Many of you do not act as if you believed in what you +preach: the salt having lost in many cases its flavour.</p> + +<p>"How have the mighty fallen?" exclaimed the High Priest. The Buccaneer, +misunderstanding the words of the head of his Church, replied, "And +pray, whose fault is that? Perhaps there are hypocrites and even +Pharisees amongst you; those who seek the highest places in the +synagogues and at the social table, and who are worshippers of forms and +ceremonies." What wickedness was here! But this bold, bad man continued +in the same strain, or stay, it may have been the wicked devil who was +making this eminently respectable and pious old Buccaneer, his +mouthpiece. "Has pride, arrogance, and self-sufficiency any place in +your hearts?" he asked. "Has my priesthood fallen and been led captive +by mammon and selfishness, and while they fix one eye constantly upon +heaven, do they not with the other look too lovingly upon the earth? +Fast then and pray yourselves, for thy faith may be weak, and as the +Israelites of old fell away and worshipped more gods than one, so too +may my priests have set up some graven image or images, and here may lie +the danger. Search well yourselves and put your ship in order. It is no +use preaching to the world abstinence if you do not practise it +yourselves. Our religion was placed in poor soil, tended and cared for +by mendicant labourers, and it flourished. The workers now are of a +different caste, the spirit of the first teachers has passed away, and +the flower fades."</p> + +<p>This was not a bad specimen of pulpit oratory, coming as it did from an +old gentleman who had commenced life as a pirate; but it is well known +that the greater the sinner the greater the saint. The language of the +bold Buccaneer was fully discussed and fully condemned, and the great +Church drum still kept beating. The sound went out all over the land; +was heard upon many a hearth, and put fear into many a breast, for the +old Church Hulk was dearly loved, with all her faults, more especially +by the Buccaneer's women, in whose eyes a priest was little less than a +god clothed in a decent suit of black.</p> + +<p>But what was going on on board the Church Hulk all this time? The +burning question of Church in danger was pushed aside, and high above +everything else the voice of controversy could be heard arguing upon a +matter of the deepest import to all the world. It was the question of +eternal punishment, which, alas! can never be satisfactorily settled; as +to whether the soul that dies in sin is surely for ever damned. The +adventurous spirits who had started this rank and soul-destroying heresy +of hope even beyond the grave were few in number. These seemed to have a +beautiful faith, if an erroneous one, in God's unbounded mercy, which, +overtaking the poor lost soul before it entered the gates of hell, might +in some cases bring it back to the bright realms of eternal bliss. For +so rank a heresy there was perhaps neither authority nor justification, +and it did more honour to the hearts of the schismatics than it did +credit to their understanding or learning; so it was thought. The +majority of the disputants stuck, however, to the penal clause, which +says that the soul that dies in sin shall surely perish. These fortified +themselves behind ramparts built up of dogma and bound together with the +strong and lasting cement of human passions. Over the battlements they +hung out their banner, on which was emblazoned the words, "No +Surrender." The little band were driven back and had to seek +consolation in the thought that no matter what is said and done, God is +the God of Mercy.</p> + +<p>Poor, poor soul, how heavily you are weighted. Given passions, and +desires, and all kinds of forbidden fruit placed well within your reach, +with a longing to taste. Pluck, and you are straightway handed over to +the devil, to be flagellated, tortured, and burned everlastingly. So it +is said. Ye priests, in the past, what a heaven and what a hell have ye +made for human beings! See the father torn away from his fair-haired +child and hurled headlong to the bottomless pit, where there is nothing +but weeping and gnashing of teeth, and a fire that is never quenched. +See the mother taken away from her erring son, and winged up to heaven +with a bleeding, broken heart. See the sister with her loving arms +twined round some lost brother's neck, and crying out in her anguish, +"Lord! Lord! let me share his lot; let his misery be mine. Let me +moisten his parched lips with my tears. Where he lies let me lie also." +But the bitter parting has to come, and while one sobbing is taken to +Heaven, the other is sent to Hell. In the dark clouds that superstition +has hung over trembling humanity we see a little rift, as vivid in +brightness as when the Heavens are cleft with lightning, and through the +rent we see pale-faced Pity weeping for the loss of her children.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXII" id="CHAPTER_XXXII"></a>CHAPTER XXXII.</h2> + + +<p>A day having been set apart by the Buccaneer's High Priest for solemn +fasts, prayers, and humiliations, to counteract as far as possible the +evil effects which might be expected to arise from the impious conduct +of the Buccaneer, and devilish machinations of the conspirators of the +cook's caboose; and all the wise men in the island having been set to +work to find out the exact pressure that the ecclesiastical wrath had +upon the square inch of the social atmosphere, things sank down again to +their usual level; for no storm lasts forever.</p> + +<p>The captain of the watch, old Bill Dogvane, now summoned all the +conspirators before him, and rated them well for their folly and want of +forethought in setting the big drum of the church going. "Don't you see, +my lads," he said, "that things aren't ripe yet for such a sweeping +measure? All in good time; all in good time. But first and foremost see +which way the wind is blowing, and which way the current sets, and then, +my hearties, steer your course accordingly."</p> + +<p>The conspirators affected very great surprise; said that the whole thing +was a gross misrepresentation; a mere game got up entirely by Random +Jack, who, having stowed himself away, had listened to a private +conversation they had had in the cook's caboose.</p> + +<p>"Well, my lads, I think the storm is over, and the dust this time is +laid; but Chips, my man, where is your mate?" It now came out that +Chisel was ashore in tow of a lass, and when a sailor is so situated he +is never fit for duty.</p> + +<p>Just as old Dogvane was congratulating himself upon having got, as he +thought, into smooth water again, there come a hail from the shore of +"Ship of State, ahoy!"</p> + +<p>"What the devil is in the wind now?" cried Dogvane, as he took a look +over the ship's side. At the same time the Buccaneer, who was below, +called up to know who it was that was calling. "Ah!" said Dogvane to +himself, "I ought to have known that that old coach was a slow one to +travel."</p> + +<p>"Ship ahoy!" came again. "Who is that?" demanded the Buccaneer.</p> + +<p>"It looks uncommonly like old Squire Broadacre, sir," was Dogvane's +reply. Now this old gentleman had at one time been extremely well off, +and had kept up great state and open house; keeping many retainers, +feeding many mouths, but hard times had overtaken him, and he was now +sorely pinched, and even poverty was seen on the outskirts of his +property, and was drawing nearer to his door every day. The Buccaneer +ordered a boat to be sent ashore.</p> + +<p>"Send a boat ashore!" muttered Dogvane. "Why, a line of battle ships +would not hold him and his cargo of grievances, I know." However, a boat +was sent, and the old gentleman was ferried on board. The captain of the +Starboard Watch seeing the conspirators together abreast of the cook's +galley went up to them, saying, "A pretty kettle of fish you fellows +have put upon the fire. Here is some more of your handiwork."</p> + +<p>The butcher chuckled to himself, and said, "If you fellows had nipped +round and caught Random Jack, all this bother would have been saved." +The butcher was always criticising.</p> + +<p>"Ah! Billy," replied the carpenter, "like many another clever fellow, +you are extremely wise after the event; you see, it is not for you to +talk; if you hadn't had a nervous attack you might have caught him +yourself."</p> + +<p>All further discussion was put a stop to by the appearance on board of +the old squire, who seemed to be completely overcome with excitement. He +told the Buccaneer that he had it on the very best authority that he was +to be attacked and robbed, and he came to demand protection. Of course +in the abstract being a member of the Buccaneer's family he had a right +to protection. Things, he said, had come to a pretty pass if honest folk +were to be deprived of their property without people saying with your +leave or by your leave.</p> + +<p>The squire, following so closely upon the heels of the church, aroused +the anger of the old Sea King, who always on such occasions, made a +scapegoat of some one, and he now tried to make Dogvane perform that +most necessary but disagreeable office, but the captain was much too old +a bird to be caught either by chaff, or to have salt put upon his tail.</p> + +<p>Then no sooner had the fears of the old squire been somewhat allayed by +Dogvane declaring that it was all a party trick, than fresh trouble +arose; for the Ojabberaways taking advantage of the state of affairs, so +acted as to stop all business, and played on board the ship their old +game of "Mag's diversions," or the "devil's delight." But amidst all +this confusion there was one bright spot, and that was the noble way in +which the old coxswain had acted. When the Buccaneer heard of it he was +delighted and determined to reward him by elevating him to some high +position on board the Ship of State. Indeed, so impressed was he with +old Jack's abilities, that he was for sending him at once to the Upper +Chamber; but Jack said he would rather decline the honour, for the +members were proud, standing very much upon their dignity, and he feared +they might give him the cold shoulder. Besides which, he feared that as +the cook had taken a dislike to that establishment it could not last +long. Then the Buccaneer called to him Dogvane, and ordered him to find +honest Jack some post of distinction in the after part of the ship.</p> + +<p>The captain of the watch demurred to this, saying it would be a most +unconstitutional thing, and he contended that to raise so ordinary a +personage as Jack Commonsense from a position that was humble to one +that was exalted, and make all at once an officer of State of him, would +be fraught with extreme danger. In all probability everybody would +resign, for such an honest, straightforward fellow as the cox'sn was, +would be sure to rub the whole crew up the wrong way, which everyone +knew was a most dangerous thing to do; putting the fat in every way upon +the fire. He plainly intimated that to promote Jack Commonsense would +probably bring about discord, which might end even in revolution. +"Heaven only knows, sir!" he exclaimed, "we have wrangling enough as it +is on board the old ship."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer thought the matter over, and said that he was considerably +disappointed, as he felt sure that Jack would not disgrace himself at +the council board. A thought seemed suddenly to strike him. "As you will +not have him here, Master Dogvane, I will make a bishop of him. His +presence on board the old Church Hulk will be an advantage to every one, +more especially in these critical times." He at once hailed the old ship +alongside, and expressed his wishes. There was a solemn conclave at once +held, and all the divines who were conspicuous for their learning and +piety were called together to consider so grave a matter, and after a +careful discussion, which lasted many hours, they arrived at the +conclusion that the old cox'sn could not on any account be made a bishop +or given even a place of any importance on board the Church Hulk. They +intimated that it would be more in keeping with a modest demeanour if he +contented himself with his present lot in life, and they pointed out +that pride which had turned satan himself out of Heaven was altogether +to be condemned. Besides, they said, they feared that if they gave the +old cox'sn a permanent place on board their ship he would in time +undermine the whole of their authority, and bring down the sacred +edifice about their ears, and that the High Priest and other +ecclesiastical dignitaries would be buried in the ruins, and forever +lost to the cause of religion. The members of the Solemn Conclave +admitted that Jack Commonsense was an inestimable and even religious +fellow, and that in the Buccaneer's realms he had nobly done his duty; +but as virtue was at all times its own reward, the old cox'sn could not +want any further recompense. Besides, they added, he had received no +ecclesiastical education; knew little or nothing of the Levitical Law, +or of the Fathers of Theology, and could not therefore be expected to +wrestle against the Devil's first lieutenant, Heresy.</p> + +<p>Thus poor old Jack's doom was sealed; but when he heard that neither +ship would have him at any price he was not down-hearted, but went on +his quiet way as before; giving himself neither airs nor graces like so +many people do. Old Jack was not one of those ambitious, self-confident, +self-seeking fellows whose only virtue is unbounded impudence, and who +are forever thrusting themselves forward, not caring two straws who +falls, or who is thrust to the wall, so long as they can struggle and +keep to the front; holding up before the eyes of the people their +farthing dip, and swearing its light is equal to ever so many candles, +or even oil lamps.</p> + +<p>"Well," said old Jack, as he trudged away, "if I do not rise, neither +shall I fall. Let those who like soar up on the butterfly wings of +ambition, I'll have none of it myself. Sooner or later old Dame Fortune +turns round her wheel and up comes her eldest daughter and pins your +butterfly to the earth with the sharp-pointed pin of adversity. Then +where are you?"</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXIII" id="CHAPTER_XXXIII"></a>CHAPTER XXXIII.</h2> + + +<p>So far so well. The storm had been avoided. The cook and burly butcher +bowed their heads humbly before their captain; for no matter where he +led they were prepared to follow. Some said that the cook could only +expect promotion by sticking through thick and thin to the coat-tails of +old Dogvane; but the carpenter's spirit was mutinous, and he showed no +disposition to dance either to the cook's organ, or to be monkey-led by +the captain of the Starboard Watch.</p> + +<p>Although the Buccaneer was somewhat pacified, he determined to look into +things a little more himself, for, as he said, there could not be so +much smoke without a certain amount of fire. To begin with, he told the +captain of his watch that he intended interviewing the heads of some of +his departments. Dogvane tried to dissuade his master. He said it would +be unconstitutional and all sort of things. That the officials would not +like it. They could not bear meddling; it hurt their dignity. But it was +of no use, the Buccaneer was determined.</p> + +<p>The high State officials who had the management of the affairs on board +of the old ship thought, like most other servants, that they could best +serve their master by squandering his money; and they did it right +royally. Perhaps royally is not the proper word, for royalty is often +careful, if not close, with its own money, whatever it may be with other +people's.</p> + +<p>The lavish manner in which the Buccaneer's servants spent his money was +conspicuously shown in the administration of his army and navy, and in +fact in all his public works. The one great principle being to spend a +pound in laying out a penny, no matter whether it was a ship of war that +had to be built or the mouth of a poor starving person that had to be +filled. Whether this waste was due to carelessness, stupidity, or +ignorance, or to a combination of all three, matters little. The result +was the same.</p> + +<p>Finding his master was not to be put off, Dogvane began to cry up his +wares like the long shore cheap-Jacks.</p> + +<p>"Your Navy, sir," he said, "is in excellent condition, though of course, +the watch on shore deny this; but that is according to custom. We have +placed your navy in the hands of those who have been chosen on purely +constitutional principles. Here again, we show that we are not the +revolutionist that our enemies would make us out to be. Your first lord +of the Admiralty we have selected from amongst those who are +distinguished for their ignorance in all maritime matters. Men who do +not know a ship's head from a ship's tail. I believe I should, to be +quite correct, call it stern. It is of course a difficult thing to find +amongst an insular, and sea-faring people, any man absolutely ignorant, +but we do our best, and no man can do more. One thus selected, sir, on +purely constitutional principles, is more likely to be free from +prejudice than your professional man, and he is likely to exercise a +healthy check upon your sea lords, whose predisposition is to drift into +bloated armaments and bloody wars. This, of course, means money, and +your expenditure is already more than any of your neighbours, and if we +have not as many ships, sailors, and soldiers, as we ought to have, or +than what your neighbours have, we at least spend ever so much more +money, which must be to you an extreme satisfaction. If they say, look +at our armies! we say, look at our expenditure! Your fellows do not cost +a quarter, or a fraction as much, man for man, as our fellows do, or +ship for ship. Cheap things, it is well known, are not only not good, +but they are frequently nasty. Although your first lord may be totally +ignorant of all things pertaining to the sea, he is ably assisted by +distinguished sailors, and your first sea lord is ever ready and willing +to set your first lord right when he goes wrong, which he seldom if ever +does, or if he does we never receive any official information on the +subject. They all support their party. They see nothing they ought not +to see, and are at all times ready to swear that whatever is, is right, +as far their watch is concerned, and that whatever is, is wrong, as far +as the other watch is concerned. Honest sailors can do no more."</p> + +<p>"Master Dogvane, is this as it should be?" the Buccaneer asked.</p> + +<p>"Most assuredly, sir. It is most constitutional, and according to your +general custom."</p> + +<p>"Master Dogvane, I have found you to be of a sanguine temperament. You +told me my people were prosperous and contented. I have my doubts, and I +shall satisfy myself. But of that anon. Let my first lord of the +Admiralty be called."</p> + +<p>The first lord was down below listening to the first sea lord spinning a +yarn, and he was trying to learn how to do it; because at times he was +called upon to spin yarns with reference to his department. As has been +already stated in this most truthful history, there was a time when the +Buccaneer ruled the stormy ocean. He was then one of the finest sailors +that ever trod a plank or made use of a strange sea oath; but times had +changed, and many thought that modern innovation had taken the wind out +of his sails, and that he at present traded upon his past reputation. +But people must say something.</p> + +<p>The first lord of the Admiralty appeared. "Now, sir," said the +Buccaneer, "take charge, and let me see what you can do." The whole +sea-faring world had been so changed and modernized since the old +Buccaneer had commanded in person, that he really knew very little about +things; but ignorance can always be concealed by a discreet silence.</p> + +<p>The first lord being thus called upon to show his professional +knowledge, cried out, "Ease her! backer! stopper!" This was addressed +through a speaking trumpet to the old Church Hulk alongside; but as she +had never been known to move for years past, what the first lord said +was without effect. Indeed the crew of the old Church ship were busily +occupied in trying a rebellious priest who would neither mend his ways, +nor leave his pulpit, but breathed defiance against the High Priest and +all his ecclesiastical big guns.</p> + +<p>"What is all that about?" exclaimed the Buccaneer, addressing his first +lord.</p> + +<p>"Those, sir, are nautical expressions I have picked up on the river," +replied the first lord, "and I believe they are technically correct. If +they are not, I have no official information on the subject."</p> + +<p>The old Buccaneer not willing to display his ignorance, said, "I want, +sir, to know what state your department is in. What have you been doing; +and how are my ships?"</p> + +<p>"I have spent your money, sir, right well. I have bought some very fine +and fast new cruisers, and I gave as much for them as I decently could."</p> + +<p>"How is this?" cried the Buccaneer, "I used to be the first shipwright +in the world."</p> + +<p>"Rest easy, sir," Dogvane said. "These goods are of home manufacture. It +is your custom in times of peace to let your shipyards lie idle; but +when a scare comes, as come they will, in the best regulated nation, +then we buy your ships from private firms, and having husbanded your +wealth, you can the more readily give high prices in cases of +necessity."</p> + +<p>"But is this wise, Master Dogvane?"</p> + +<p>"It is constitutional, sir," was the captain's reply. He might have +added that it was also a customary thing to sell these ships, for which +so much had been given, for a mere song after the panic was over.</p> + +<p>The first lord continued, "Then as to what I have done, sir, I have had +the Admiral Superintendent's house at your principal naval station +thoroughly repaired, cleaned, and re-decorated. All your ships that +float are in a serviceable condition, and as they have no enemy to +contend against, except the elements, they occasionally run into one +another, just to keep their hands in, and occasionally a ship is sunk or +disabled. Although we have a due regard for your great wealth, we do not +encourage a too frequent repetition of this, as it is extremely costly. +There is still 'a sweet little cherub that sits up aloft and looks out +for the life of poor Jack.' That is, he would no doubt sit up aloft if +he had anything to sit upon or any place to put it."</p> + +<p>"You see, sir," exclaimed Dogvane with delight, "what excellent hands +your navy is in. Your first lord can also tip you a stave, as they say +at sea. He can sing you 'Oh! Pilot, 'tis a fearful night,' or 'All in +the Downs,' he is also exceptionally good at a break down."</p> + +<p>This high praise quite pleased the first lord, and wishing to advance +himself still more in the good graces of his master, he said, "I can +take an observation. I can use the strangest of sea oaths, and I can at +all times make it eight bells."</p> + +<p>"A man, sir, who can at all times make it eight bells, must needs be a +good sailor," Dogvane said.</p> + +<p>"But let me see him work the ship, Master Dogvane."</p> + +<p>The first lord being thus called upon to show his professional skill, +told the sea lord to stand by and look out for squalls, which he +accordingly did.</p> + +<p>"Close by fours—" cried the first lord; but the sea lord stopped him at +once by saying, "Steady there, shipmate! you are getting mixed."</p> + +<p>There was now a long discussion between the two lords of the Buccaneer's +Admiralty. The first lord declaring he never mixed, the first sea lord +declaring that he did. "Anyhow," cried the latter, "put your helm down +and go about."</p> + +<p>"Aye, aye," cried the first lord. "Helm's a lee; raise tacks and sheet. +All hands splice the main brace!"</p> + +<p>"Capital! capital!" exclaimed Dogvane, "your first lord, sir, is indeed +an excellent sailor. He can actually splice the main brace and I feel +sure that must be a most arduous undertaking; requiring much skill and +intelligence. He seems, indeed, to be gaining so much knowledge of his +profession that I shall have to move him to some other department, +probably the army; he has some slight knowledge of military matters, but +not enough to render him unfit for the post of secretary of State for +war. Fortunately the heads of your different departments are all +inter-changeable."</p> + +<p>"How about his accounts, Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked.</p> + +<p>"Ah! there, sir, I think you will find his ignorance most creditable. +Accounts are a sort of thing that no high official could possibly be +expected to understand."</p> + +<p>"What does my sea lord say?" asked the Buccaneer.</p> + +<p>"Rivet my bolts and split my plates! what do I say."</p> + +<p>"Note, sir, the change," Dogvane exclaimed. "It used to be shiver my +timbers, you see, sir, your first sea lord is quite in keeping with the +progress of the age. These changes of course have not been brought about +without much trouble and at great expense."</p> + +<p>"What do I say, your honour!" cried the first sea lord, "why clear the +decks for action and strike up the band."</p> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, as the blood mounted to his face, "are +we going to have a naval engagement? I have not seen such a thing, +Dogvane, for these many years past."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer now looked on with surprise at the first sea lord, who, +having thrown aside his cocked hat, folded his arms and danced round the +deck on the circumference of a circle.</p> + +<p>"What is all this, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked.</p> + +<p>"He is going to dance you a hornpipe, sir. Your people are particularly +fond of such things and they would come in crowds from miles away to see +your first sea lord do the double shuffle."</p> + +<p>"But I don't want to see it, so stop him. I want to know something about +my ships."</p> + +<p>With very great difficulty the first sea lord was stopped, for he was +well under weigh and it was some little time before they brought him up +by hanging on to the swallow tails of his coat.</p> + +<p>"What do I say?" he cried. "That must depend very much upon what I am +expected to say. How's your head, captain?" This was addressed to +Dogvane and was meant as a signal of distress, and not as an expression +of solicitude for Dogvane's cranium. The hint was taken and the captain +said that their master wanted to know if his ships were well found and +whether he still ruled the sea.</p> + +<p>To this the sea lord replied, "Every ship, sir, that is not in Davy +Jones' locker, has the sea well under her, and, therefore, it may be +asserted that she has complete control of the sea."</p> + +<p>"Davy Jones' locker!" cried the Buccaneer in amazement, "why I sent very +few of my ships there in olden days and my enemies sent still fewer."</p> + +<p>Dogvane explained to his master that rapid strides had taken place in +all things naval and that great changes had been brought about. "We have +been so pressed for room, sir," he exclaimed, "that we have been obliged +to turn Davy Jones' locker into one of your principal dockyards, where +we keep many of your ships which are not required for immediate use."</p> + +<p>The first sea lord doused, as sailors say, his starboard glim, and +contemplated old Dogvane with the other, while a look of admiration and +a jovial smile played over his weather-beaten face as he answered:</p> + +<p>"Aye, aye, sir, and every year we send a ship or two there to be +repaired. The remainder we tinker up ourselves." The old Buccaneer made +no answer. Things had evidently changed very much indeed since he was +himself afloat, but it never does for a master to display a want of +knowledge before his servants. As to whether the Buccaneer had lost his +skill in seamanship and ship-building was merely a matter of opinion. +But there could be no doubt that anything he had lost in one direction +was amply made up by what he had gained in the tinkering line. Here he +could not be surpassed.</p> + +<p>"All your guns," continued the first sea lord, "that are neither cracked +nor burst are in excellent condition. Every ship that does not want for +anything is particularly well found, and your sailors, sir, are as jolly +and rollicking a lot of devils as ever turned a quid or drained a tot of +grog."</p> + +<p>"Capital! capital!" cried Dogvane, as he clapped his hands with delight, +"such skill and knowledge must be rewarded. We must bestow some high +distinctions upon these two officials. We must ennoble them and send +round your Hat of maintenance." The lords of the Admiralty were then +dismissed.</p> + +<p>In passing, it may be said that the old Buccaneer had navigated the +world in ships that, beside his present monsters, were but as cockle +shells, and all his great victories had been gained on board his old +wooden walls; but now his seamen were incased in iron or steel and had +to live and fight almost under water, and it was a matter of constant +dispute as to whether the Buccaneer had ships enough even to defend his +own shores. Some people going so far as to say that not only had he not +enough ships, but that he had no guns for what he had.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXIV" id="CHAPTER_XXXIV"></a>CHAPTER XXXIV.</h2> + + +<p>The Buccaneer's War Minister now received his summons, as in naval +matters, so in military. The high official who had charge of his army, +and was responsible for the safety of the Buccaneer's vast empire, was +totally ignorant, or nearly so, of all things connected with the +military profession. When Dogvane descanted upon his ignorance of all +things military, the Buccaneer exclaimed: "Stay, Master Dogvane! if my +body is ailing should I not send for a physician, one skilled in +disease? If my mind is disturbed upon some spiritual matter should I not +send for my spiritual adviser? And if I want a legal opinion should I +not go to my lawyer?"</p> + +<p>"If you did, sir, I do not hesitate to tell you that you would be acting +in an altogether unconstitutional manner."</p> + +<p>"What! then if I want a coat made I should not go to my tailor? If I +want a pair of boots I should seek some other than my shoemaker to make +them?"</p> + +<p>"Undoubtedly, sir, for such ever has been your custom, and who will say +that it has not worked well; for you are both wealthy and great. Your +plan ever has been to put the roundest of men into the squarest of +holes. It is a fortunate thing, sir, that human nature is so pliable +that it can adapt itself to any condition."</p> + +<p>The War Minister was in his particular part of the ship, occupied, +together with the most eminent of the Buccaneer's military officers, in +testing and trying which of all the advertised food for infants was best +adapted to the requirements of the Buccaneer's military babes. They had +not settled this weighty matter when the War Minister received his +summons. Not being a soldier he was completely taken by surprise, of +course no soldier would allow himself to fall into such a perilous +position; but to show his comrades that he had not lost his self +possession he altered somewhat an old song of the Buccaneer's to suit +present purposes, and went away merrily singing:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I'm afloat, I'm afloat<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In the old Ship of State,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The sailor's profession<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I cordially hate."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>No doubt his thoughts were wandering back to the time when he himself +had been at sea. In all probability he had had charge of the Buccaneer's +navy and becoming too full of knowledge had been removed to the army. +When he appeared before his master he became quite flustered. The +official mind does at times, it is well known, play sad tricks, and +displays upon occasions the most wonderful oblivion. When asked as to +the state his department was in, he replied: "Quite ship-shape, sir, and +ready for sea."</p> + +<p>"It appears to me, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you are at sea."</p> + +<p>"Am I? Then let me go below. Like many others, I suffer until I get +accustomed to the up and down motion. The lee lurches and weather rolls +disturb me. The smell of the oil and tar is offensive, and the result is +painful. Then the sailor's quaint oaths I cannot understand. I dare not +chew, I cannot smoke, and I do not care to drink, so I feel convinced I +was never meant for the sea."</p> + +<p>The War Minister was brought sternly back to his senses by Captain +Dogvane, who told him in a severe tone to "wake up," and remember that +he was at present in charge of the Buccaneer's Land Forces.</p> + +<p>The War Minister was profuse in his apologies, and said: "In my time, +sir, I have filled so many posts that I occasionally get confused. Your +Army, sir, is most efficient, and I am proud to be able to tell you that +you pay more for your food, for powder, than any other nation under the +sun. This to one of your vast wealth must be a source of the greatest +satisfaction; indeed, it must be a glorious thing to contemplate. We +have recently made vast preparations, which of course have been +costly."</p> + +<p>"This, sir, is as I told you, and will account for the money you +advanced me, over that little affair in the East."</p> + +<p>"Ah! Master Dogvane, how is that going on?"</p> + +<p>"Excellently well, sir," was Dogvane's reply; "at least I have no +official information to the contrary. At present, sir, things nearer +home claim our attention."</p> + +<p>The War Minister continued: "We have laid in an immense amount of +warlike stores, and these, as every one knows, are most costly articles, +and it takes far more to kill a man in the present state of military +science than it would take to keep him alive and in comparative comfort +to the crack of doom. On paper, sir, I can mobilize an army, on paper I +could place it in the field and on paper I could feed and clothe it. I +could, if called upon, club either a battalion, a brigade or even a +division."</p> + +<p>Dogvane was not a soldier, but he thought it right to encourage his +subordinates whether they were right or wrong, so he exclaimed: +"Capital, capital!" Then turning to his master, he said: "Beyond this, +sir, you could not expect your War Minister to go. For a general +deficiency in professional knowledge I feel sure it would be hard to +find his equal. For your practical information you must go to your Field +Marshal Commanding-in-Chief, than whom I am told you have no better +soldier, and no one has done more to stamp out from amongst your +soldiers the pernicious habit of using bad language; and this has not +been done by any brutal exercise of power, but all by kindness and the +force of good example."</p> + +<p>"Then my Field Marshal never swears?" the Buccaneer asked.</p> + +<p>"Never, sir; at least," he said aside, "hardly ever."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer, being a very religious man, was very pleased to hear +this. "But what is all this I hear," he said, "about my poor fellows who +are fighting for me not having proper food?"</p> + +<p>"The campaign in which you are at present engaged in the East."</p> + +<p>Dogvane stopped the War Minister abruptly, and went into a long +explanation. He drew many subtle distinctions as before, between +different kinds of warlike operations some of which he said, though +offensive in form were purely defensive in essence. In fact, if looked +at from a proper point of view were no operations at all. Dogvane's +reasoning was of such an obscure nature that nobody could understand it, +and there were doubts in the minds of some as to whether Dogvane himself +understood what he was talking about.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer, fearing he might get out of his depth if he followed his +captain too far, came back to the main charge, and said to his War +Minister: "I am told my soldiers' food was so bad that they could +scarcely eat it. That their tea and coffee was mere filth, and that even +the water they had to drink was of the vilest description, and this too, +when I am surrounded by the newest inventions which will make the +muddiest stream as pure as crystal, and I spare no expense?"</p> + +<p>"None whatever, sir," was the War Minister's reply. "I can assure you we +pay the highest price for everything, and we can do no more. We have +heard no complaints, and vague rumours we never heed." The official ear +on the Buccaneer's island was quite as deaf as what the official eye was +blind. Dogvane said he should not be at all surprised if all these +reports were put about by the other watch, or as likely as not by that +busy little devil, Random Jack. "All about your War Office, sir," he +said, addressing the Buccaneer, "look particularly well fed, and are +well clothed. I have not seen a crack in either coat or trouser. They +seem to want for nothing, and they are, I presume, a fair sample of the +whole; but satisfy yourself, sir. Ask your Field Marshal if he is well +fed and well clothed, and as the fountain-head, so, no doubt, is the +stream that flows from it. No expense has been spared, I can assure +you."</p> + +<p>"And so, Master Dogvane, you all think to serve best my interests by +squandering my money, which goes into the capacious pockets of the money +grabbing rascally contractors."</p> + +<p>"We have it, sir, on the authority of your only general, who, though an +Ojabberaway, is worthy of credence, that, at no time in your whole +history has your army been in so excellent a condition."</p> + +<p>"Have I then only one general?" the Buccaneer asked in surprise.</p> + +<p>"Only one that we have officially any knowledge of; for further +information on that subject, sir, I must refer you to your +Commander-in-chief. Your military administration is distinguished for +its very great zeal and energy. For long and weary hours—in fact, from +10 o'clock in the morning till 4, or even 5 o'clock in the dewy evening, +the busy brains of your War Office officials are constantly at work +grinding up all military ideas to a common level of official pulp, and +it says a very great deal for the quality of the official brain that it +has never yet broken down under the severe strain that has been put upon +it. There has not been, as far as I know, a single instance of well +authenticated madness inside your War Office. Go to your arsenals, and +you will find them a busy hive of industry. The hive is occasionally +blown up by an explosion, but the operatives, as a class, are happy and +contented. Your military nurseries are full of the most promising +children, who will, should they survive the many ills that childish +flesh is heir to, develop, no doubt, into most excellent soldiers. Is it +not so?" This latter was addressed to the War Minister, who said that it +was, and added: "They have all been vaccinated, and most of them have +had the measles, and not a few the whooping-cough. In olden days, sir, +your battles were fought by the scum of your populations. This great +blot in your military system we are eradicating, and in the future, sir, +moral force, which, it has been estimated, is equal to about three to +one of physical force, will play no mean part in all your military +undertakings. Therefore, multiplying your units by three gives you a +first fighting line of over 500,000 men, with a total fighting power of +about one million and a half."</p> + +<p>"Take care, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you do not make my soldiers +too thin skinned. A pampered dog won't fight, and a hound too finely +bred will not face the prickles of a gorse bush. Whatever my soldiers +were in the past they fought well, and have built up for me a +reputation, that I hope my soldiers of to-day and those who lead them +and those who guide them will know how to keep. The deeds, Master +Dogvane, of the brave lads that are gone are written on tablets placed +on the walls of the Temple of Fame. Let no foul breath of calumny be +breathed over them, for whatever sins they have committed have been +washed out with their own blood. One thing, Master Dogvane, they at +least had, and that was, good trusty steel."</p> + +<p>Dogvane took the hint, and thought that a little candour would best +serve his purpose. "It has come to my ears, sir, that our modern steel +is not quite up to the mark, so to test it I have ordered a Royal +Commission to sit upon our bayonets and cutlasses, and if they can +support without bending or breaking so severe a strain, their temper +must be good indeed. It has been said too, amongst other things, that +your machine guns occasionally jam and I will not deny that it is so, +when they are in the hands of your sailors, but, then, they are such +merry devils that they would jam almost anything."</p> + +<p>The War Minister now being called upon to continue his report, said: +"Your militia, sir, which has always been considered the backbone of +your army gives us little or no consideration, and it seems to get on +very well without our interference. Whatever care, attention, and +patronage we have to spare we bestow it upon your volunteers—a most +worthy body of men, costing you but little; not encumbered with too much +equipment, and fed and nourished almost entirely upon official butter, +which is the cheapest of all articles of food, on a recent occasion, +sir, when you were engaged in operations in Egypt."</p> + +<p>"In Egypt!" the Buccaneer exclaimed, and the hot words of the gipsy came +back upon him, and he was lost for a while in his own moody thoughts.</p> + +<p>For a time the War Minister spoke to deaf ears. "You bought thousands of +camels, and mules, and pack-saddles innumerable. After the purchase was +completed we were delighted to find that these saddles were for the most +part perfectly useless, as they would not fit any animal in your +possession, so we were enabled to sell them at a considerable loss."</p> + +<p>"Is this right, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked, waking up.</p> + +<p>"It is quite constitutional, sir, and is the result of your peculiar and +long cherished system. I do not say that things would not work better +under a round hole for a round man plan; but you are so accustomed to +the other that to change might be dangerous. It would certainly be +revolutionary."</p> + +<p>The War Minister continued. "In purchasing your stores, sir, we also +acted upon principle and custom. We gave as few orders as possible to +your own people; but distributed them as evenly as we could amongst your +neighbours."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer was about to make a reply; but Dogvane nipped it in the +bud by saying: "It is quite constitutional, sir." If this was so of +course the old Sea King had nothing to say, for he loved his +constitution.</p> + +<p>"Our beef and pork," said the War Minister, "we get from our cousin, the +cheap-Jack Jonathan. Our sauce we get from your neighbour, Madame +France."</p> + +<p>"Do you remember what a neatly turned ankle she had, sir?" said Dogvane, +who, like all sailors and not a few landsmen, had a great admiration for +the ladies.</p> + +<p>"Our pickles," the War Minister continued, "we get from Germany, and are +of a well known brand, high flavoured and satisfying. As we are the very +best tinkers in the world, our pots, pans, and camp kettles we make and +mend at home. We feed your full-grown soldiers on worn-out +draught-bullocks brought over from Holland, and on the most delicious +messes. We give them a highly flavoured stew peculiar to the +Ojabberaways. They have had an abundance of Egyptian hash. This again +has been varied by a goodly supply of Indian curry, Afghan ragoût, and a +very savoury mess peculiar to Burmah. I may just mention in passing, +that through the most creditable carelessness on the part of one of your +generals we got rid of a very large number of camels, which were +slaughtered by the enemy; thus saving us the trouble and expense of +their keep. For any other information I must refer you to your Field +Marshal."</p> + +<p>Dogvane dismissed this official, praising him very much for the state of +his department.</p> + +<p>When the distinguished soldier appeared, who was at the executive head +of the army, he stood in the attitude peculiar to soldiers. His head was +erect and every limb was rigid, and the arms were extended by the side +of the body, fingers straight and closed on the thumbs, which were in a +line with the seams of his trousers. This is the easy and graceful +attitude of military respect as laid down by regulation.</p> + +<p>"How, sir, is it that you have allowed my army so to deteriorate that I +have only one general?" asked the Buccaneer, as he cast upon his Field +Marshal a look of pride. "At one time I could count them by the scores."</p> + +<p>"Sir, two kings cannot sit on one throne, and at present your island is +not sufficiently large to hold more than your only general."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer showed extreme solicitude for the well being of his only +general, whose life was, of course, extremely precious, so he exclaimed: +"Field Marshal! I command you on all occasions to protect the life of my +only general. Form yourself into a rampart round him and save him from +the bullets of my enemies. Even as David in the days of old sent Uriah +the Hittite to the front of the battle, so send I you, should I be +engaged in any military operation either of an offensive or defensive +nature."</p> + +<p>The Field Marshal, commanding in chief, no doubt felt keenly the very +great confidence thus placed in him, though of course it would not have +been in keeping with the tradition of his profession to show any outward +signs of exultation.</p> + +<p>The captain of the watch, seeing the great concern that the Buccaneer +had on account of the dearth of generals, and knowing his love for the +Bible, tried to console him by saying: "Fear not sir! that Providence +which shapes our ends, rough hew them as we may, will find you with +other generals, even as Abraham was provided by Heaven with a ram in the +bush."</p> + +<p>Sometimes the most trivial circumstance will ward off the most serious +catastrophe, and the remark of Dogvane gave the old Sea King an +opportunity to indulge in a little pleasantry. "A general in the hand, +Master Dogvane," he said, "is worth two in the bush." Now, however small +a joke may be, or indeed however heavy and obscure, it is the duty of +all subordinates to see it at once, and to laugh at it immoderately. +This was shown to an eminent degree even in the Buccaneer's Courts of +Justice, the atmosphere of which was so charged with judicial gravity +that the slightest possible humour on the part of a judge was quite +sufficient to convulse the whole court and bar with laughter. The +Commander-in-chief being in uniform could not laugh as much as he would +have done, had he not been so buttoned up. It was his duty to appreciate +the joke of the Buccaneer, and in a matter of duty the Field Marshal was +never found wanting. Dogvane laughed as immoderately as if the joke had +been his own. The clouds having been dispelled by merry peals of +laughter the Buccaneer asked if his soldiers were as good as those who +fought at Ramillies and Waterloo; these being two of the Buccaneer's +most famous battles. The Field Marshal was obliged to answer this +officially. He said that as far as brute strength and physical force +were concerned, that perhaps the soldier of to-day was not quite equal +to the soldier of the past; "but," he added, "what he has lost in +stature and chest measurement he has gained in morality and sobriety. +The men of Ramillies drank deeply, and those of Flanders swore terribly +hard, so we are told; no doubt on account of some peculiarity in the +climate; but now, sir, by the force of my own good example I have done +very much towards stamping out the pernicious habit of making use of bad +language from amongst your soldiers."</p> + +<p>"So I have heard," replied the Buccaneer, "and it does you extreme +credit." What a gross iniquity to call so good a man as our Buccaneer a +psalm-singing, old humbug! It only shows what a hold envy, hatred, +uncharitableness, and even malice, have upon the human mind.</p> + +<p>"Field Marshal!" said the Buccaneer, addressing the Commander-in-chief, +"you have done well, and it is my intention to reward you. I can bestow +upon you no greater title than you at present possess, and of income +you have ample, so I cannot increase that; but knowing how much you have +at heart the welfare of the profession which you yourself so much adorn, +I wish to give you some mark of my high esteem and favour. I therefore +command Dogvane, that my army be at once increased by one man and two +boys."</p> + +<p>Hearing this the Commander-in-Chief was overcome with emotion, and +Dogvane said, "My master is indeed generous. I am myself much against +bloated armaments; but still it is as well to strike at times a little +awe into our neighbours, who are always peacocking about Europe, and +they will respect us all the more. With this increase, and the aid of +our reserves, and our brave auxiliaries, our army will be placed on a +war-footing. No doubt all this will not be without its effect upon the +Eastern Bandit, and will assist King Hokee in his undertaking."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXV" id="CHAPTER_XXXV"></a>CHAPTER XXXV.</h2> + + +<p>In spite of what Will Dogvane had said to the contrary there was +discontent in the Buccaneer's island. Now the sound was far away; now it +surged up and dashed against the old gentleman's ears like the angry +surf upon the sea-shore. It is necessary to make some little mention yet +of the cause of this disaffection. His toilers and his moilers were +undoubtedly very much better off than what they had been, and +considerably better off than those of many of his neighbours. They +earned more wages, and worked less hours, and in recent years wages had +increased nearly twofold; but it must be owned that they were less +thrifty, and loved too well their pewter pot. His population, however, +had increased to such an extent, and other nations had entered into such +competition with him, producing many things as good and as cheap, and +even very much cheaper, that he had lost the control over the markets of +the world, consequently many even of the skilled hands were idle, and +for the unskilled, the weakly, and the sick, their case was still +harder, yet every mouth had to be fed, and every body clothed. All kinds +of medicines were prescribed by the multitude of doctors, who were +forever trying to treat the disease. Then behind those above alluded to +there came a gang who would only work at cutting throats and picking +pockets, and who were always ready to join in any cry, or any movement, +that might tend to advance their particular calling.</p> + +<p>The carpenter had addressed the family of Hodge on more occasions than +one, and he had told them that they were the most pathetic figure in the +whole of the Buccaneer's social system, for that they were condemned to +unremitting toil, with only the poor-house before them. Alas! that the +cry should ever come from honest Hodge that all he asked for was work. +This poor fellow does commend himself to the sympathy and compassion of +all; for the sunniest side of his life is to work with bent back and +horny hands from sun-rise to sun-down. But he was not the most pathetic +figure in the Buccaneer's island. Behind him Poverty came struggling +along, and with barely food enough to keep body and soul together, +brought forth and increased without the slightest thought for the +morrow. Pity was forever trying to help her, and over her sad lot she +shed an abundance of tears. The old coxswain tried to reason with her; +but all to no purpose, she clung to her wretched hovels and held on her +own way. Nature took her in hand occasionally, and taught her a lesson +in a rough and ready fashion. Our universal mother is not soft-hearted, +and she never spoils her children by sparing the rod, so when Poverty's +family becomes overcrowded, she works off the surplus by disease, when +the guilty and the innocent suffer alike. Is not Mercy to be seen +standing in the back ground?</p> + +<p>The old Buccaneer thought to find some healing power in the fruit taken +from the tree of knowledge, so that Poverty's children partaking thereof +might learn somewhat of the blessings of thrift, temperance, industry, +and self-denial. But is not the fruit of this tree somewhat like that +flower of which a celebrated friar once said:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Within the infant rind of this small flower,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Poison hath residence, and medicine power."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>In the above nature of things lay the root of very much of the +discontent. The tools lay ready for the worker's hands. The worker being +that human wind bag, called an agitator; one who would find fault with +the order of things even in heaven itself.</p> + +<p>This wind bag is forever holding up before the eyes of his dupes a +picture painted in the most gorgeous colours; plenty without labour, and +a general basking in the sunshine of idleness. He points the finger at +wealth, and cries out with a loud voice, "There lies the cure for all +your suffering; see how high above your heads the rich man looks. Go +take, eat and be merry, to-day live, for to-morrow you die." To the +empty stomach, and the ragged back this doctrine has a pleasant sound. +Neither is it without its effect upon that large multitude who have to +earn a scanty living by the sweat of their brow. The uncertainty of the +daily bread; the fear of sickness, and the cry of hungry children open +the ears sometimes even of the well disposed. Then amongst many other +things, man is by nature a lazy animal, and will not work except in rare +instances, unless necessity compels him. Take the noble savage of whom +honourable mention has already been made. He only hunts by compulsion; +for want of food in fact, which, having found, he lies down and sleeps, +and idles his time away until necessity prods him in the stomach again, +and sends him off to his happy hunting grounds. Man is the same wherever +found, and if anybody will provide him with food and clothes, without +any exertion on his part he will not say him nay, nor will he show much +gratitude. He will soon learn to look upon it as a right.</p> + +<p>There were a good many kind-hearted people in the Buccaneer's island who +were doing all they could to develop and foster this innate love of +idleness. Already the people had their food for the mind given to them +free of charge in the shape of free libraries, and soon the cry for free +food for the body might be expected to rise up all over the land, to be +followed in due course by a demand for community of property. This, +indeed, was already being whispered about. It is an unmitigated evil to +take from the individual the responsibility of keeping himself, and +bringing up his family. He will not work if you do, and the train of +poverty becomes increased, and there is no limit to the extension. As +the Devil even is supposed at times to quote Scripture, so do the wind +bags, who play upon the wants of the people, frequently base their +doctrine of universal plunder upon the teachings of Christ. But did not +a small band of early Christians try this share and share alike +principle? But it did not answer, and see what has come of it. The pomp, +magnificence, splendour and wealth of the Roman Catholic Hierarchy with +its Priest-King. Who too would think that the pride and majesty of the +Buccaneer's State Church with its High Priest clothed in temporal as +well as spiritual power took its rise from the teachings of Him, who +gathered on the shores of the sea of Galilee a few simple and faithful +disciples to whom He preached the doctrine of humility, chastity, +poverty, and love, and a charity as bountiful as the rain which falls +from heaven on flowers and weeds alike. Did He not say to them "Provide +neither gold nor silver, nor brass in your purses, nor scrip for your +journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves; for the +workman is worthy of his meat?" Ah! the meat, sometimes called hire; +there lies the rock upon which so many run, and their frail barks are +shivered to pieces; allured to their destruction by the songs of a siren +called Mammon.</p> + +<p>But the priest he has a stomach as well as the layman. He has a back too +which must be covered, and he has his many other wants that must be +attended to. One has taken to himself a wife, and he would fain have his +Lord excuse him, on her account. Another has many children who have to +be fed, clothed, and taught, and put out into the world. Then things +have changed since the days even of St. Paul. Wages have very much +increased, and around religion there has grown surroundings that must be +attended to for the sake of the uncrowned queen Respectability. Ask not +how all these mighty things have been brought about. Without doubt, the +Buccaneer's High Priest or anyone of his learned ecclesiastics could +explain all to you in a most satisfactory manner. They would tell you +how the Scriptures have to be construed to suit the needs of modern +Christians. The mighty "<i>This</i>" has he contracted and the small "<i>That</i>" +has to be stretched; but so long as an orthodox priest sits upon the box +of your coach and four, it matters little where, and through what he +drives.</p> + +<p>Briefly, it may be said, that community of property has no charm except +for that class of a community known by the name of rogues and vagabonds. +Then, as if the very Devil was in it, the Buccaneer's women were +beginning to cry out for more liberty, and disaffection seemed to have +taken a strong hold upon the female breast. The advanced portion of +these wanted to overturn the present order of things, and to put up in +its place, a sort of Hen Convention in which women were to have equal +rights and apparently man's privileges as well as their own. To tell +these women that they had a sphere, was merely to excite their ridicule, +and court their contempt. But the strangeness of the thing was, that +while the men were crying out because they had not work sufficient to +keep them in many cases from starving, the women wanted to increase the +difficulty still more by entering the same fields of labour. Of course +poor women must live, and if men are so selfish that they will not keep +them in the Holy bonds of matrimony, why, the women must keep +themselves. It is true that the men did show an indisposition to set +upon their hearth a rival, who instead of attending to domestic duties, +might give them a political lecture or a discourse upon either ethics, +philosophy, or science. The women too out-numbered the men; spinsters +growing more numerous every day, and as it is well-known that the +mortality amongst the males of all species is far greater than that +amongst the females, on account of the greater risk they run, the above +evil might be expected to increase rather than diminish, unless nature +took the matter in hand and balanced matters by an epidemic amongst the +women. But as matters now stood, the conspiracy amongst the Buccaneer's +female sex bid fair to be far more serious than that of the cook's +caboose.</p> + +<p>It has been said that the man who allows a woman to usurp his authority +is in a pitiful condition, for that it shows he has lost somewhat of his +manhood. One thing is certain, the woman he has to live with will not +respect him, and it is more than probable that she will take the +earliest opportunity to show her contempt. It is still worse when this +applies not to an individual here and there, but to the majority of a +people.</p> + +<p>What voice is that crying out that we insult the whole of womanhood? +Good lady, if you cast aside your bodkin, and take up the weapons that +have hitherto been considered as peculiar to man, you must not cry out +when you feel yourself injured. You cannot have your cake and eat it +too. "A foolish woman is clamorous; but a good woman retaineth honour." +So said one, who is accounted the wisest man that ever lived.</p> + +<p>It does not appear that the true position of woman in the world's +economy has yet been clearly defined. She was once man's slave. She is +now supposed, in all civilised countries, to be his helpmate and +companion, and in the Buccaneer's island she showed a strong disposition +to become his rival. Poetry has assigned to her a place amongst the +angels; reality, on the other hand, has frequently given her a place +amongst the devils. Then again she is supposed to be weak and fragile, +but though she may not be able to walk a mile in pure fresh air, she +will dance many, and several nights a week in the fetid atmosphere of a +ball-room. Although she takes little or no healthy exercise, the general +woman's appetite is good if not absolutely robust, and although they are +all more or less invalids, they generally outlive man. A recent +philosopher amongst the Buccaneer's people had said, when speaking of +woman, that though eminently adapted to that position for which God +apparently intended her, she is not from her constitution and make, +adapted to take man's place in the world, and by attempting such a thing +all concerned must lose. Unfortunately, the Buccaneer's advanced women +did not seem to see this, and they seemed disposed to quarrel with the +work of our Creator. The woman's character is conflicting. When she is +drawn by her sister, she does not at times appear in too beautiful +colours; for she is frequently depicted as vain, silly, jealous, weak, +cruel and revengeful, often kissing the sister she intends to stab, and +in this resembling somewhat those reptiles which slobber over the victim +they intend to devour. But is it the model or the artist who is at +fault?</p> + +<p>From history we learn that the presence of woman upon the earth has not +been an unmixed blessing, for she seems to have caused as much sorrow as +ever she has joy, and the estimation in which she was held in ancient +Biblical times is pretty well manifested by the author of the Mosaic +Cosmogony, who attributes to her the damnation of the whole human race. +Through her first act of disobedience man first tasted of the cup of +misery, and she has been holding the cup to his lips ever since. +Constituted as woman is, was it not cruel to place an injunction on that +fatal tree? for, tell a woman not to do a thing and she is pretty +certain to do it. Of course our first father did not act over +honourably. If he had been imbued with the principles of modern chivalry +he would have screened Eve; have sworn, perhaps, that she was not at all +to blame, and finished up by flinging the apple at the tempter's head. +But man ever had, and always will have an ungodly stomach, and so Adam +took the apple and did eat. Notwithstanding the chivalry aforesaid it is +generally believed that there are more Adams in the world now than what +there are Josephs, and if the trial of the apple came over again, man +would fall even as he fell before, though he were to be ten times more +damned. It is a thousand and one pities that the arch Fiend did not wait +until Eve had become a little old and ugly, for then Adam might have +refused the apple and the whole human race might have been saved.</p> + +<p>The Essenes would not marry, not because they denied the validity of the +institution or its necessity, but because they were convinced of the +artfulness and fickleness of the female sex. Then again, the Buddhist +believed, if he does not believe, that no woman could attain a state of +supreme perfection. The accomplished woman becomes man.</p> + +<p>Read where we will, and what we will, and let us bend our steps whither +we like, and we find that woman is generally believed to be at the +bottom of everything. We are told that Metellus Numidicus, the censor, +acknowledged to the Roman people in a public oration that had kind +nature allowed us to exist without the help of women, we should be +delivered from a very troublesome companion. But, though man still +growls, poets still sing about woman, lovely woman, and though man +sometimes finds her a devil, painters still depict her in the form of an +angel, and man's imagination fills heaven with beings in her shape and +likeness.</p> + +<p>To be just; has not woman somewhat to complain of? Was she not made +after man, and, as some think, of the refuse material? Then again has +she not been sent into the world with, on an average, five ounces less +brains than the allowance given to man? And has she not, from the very +beginning, been obliged to bear patiently, and for the most part with +meekness, all these slights and insults? And to finish, was she not made +as a meet and fitting companion for man? Who will be so impious as to +say that she was spoilt in the making? Alas! we cannot do without her; +no matter how uncomfortable we may at times be with her; and a smile, or +a tear, on a pretty face will blot out and efface all the splutterings +that fall from the pen of ill nature.</p> + +<p>What man is there who has not created in his mind some womanly idol, and +here often lies the misfortune; for idols will fall and break into +thousands of pieces; but until the catastrophe happens, we worship at +our shrine and look upon fair forms with heavenly faces; bright radiance +is shed over every feature, and we are in an atmosphere free from all +impurity. We look up to and adore a being whose soul is never clouded by +a base thought; whose chaste and cherry lips never give utterance to a +tainted word. One who can be pure without being a prude; gentle and +charitable without there being a suspicion even of foolishness; one who +can be sensible without being masculine, and innocent without being a +vain and frivolous idiot.</p> + +<p>Do I dream? Hush then! do not wake me. Let me wander on, if only for a +brief space in the realms of fancy. I will build for myself castles, and +will people them with fair fantasies. What lovely faces do I see! fit +indexes for pure and intelligent minds. Complexions never touched by the +paint soiled fingers of Art, but as delicate as the petals of a lily, +with the faint blush of the setting sun resting upon them, the whole +crowned with a woman's glory dipped in sunshine and not in dye. What +lovely forms, clothed in silver sheen and girdled with golden belts made +in the armoury of the King of Day!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXVI" id="CHAPTER_XXXVI"></a>CHAPTER XXXVI.</h2> + + +<p>The Buccaneer not being able to obtain any reliable information, for +reasons already mentioned, and the voice of the disaffected becoming +louder and louder every day, he determined to hold a grand court, when +all grievances could be made known, and all wrongs if possible +redressed.</p> + +<p>When old Dogvane heard of this fresh departure of his master from the +beaten paths of custom, he was very much disturbed. "What, my master!" +he said, "take the muzzle off people's mouths? Rest assured, sir, that +wherever there are human beings, there will be discord and discontent, +which, if encouraged, will soon break through the bounds of moderation +and flood the whole country. Think you, sir, there is a single one in +all your realms who looks upon himself as well treated, though for many +of them hanging would be too good? Say but the word and every molehill +of discontent will be turned into a mountain of no mean size."</p> + +<p>It was of no use, the Buccaneer had made up his mind, so the +proclamation was sent out and vast preparations were made. There was +soon great commotion all along the hard. People busy, and a constant +running to and fro. Loads of timber were brought and placed all ready +for the carpenter's hands. There was very much sawing, chiselling and +hammering from early morning until late at night. Bit by bit a huge +structure was built up just in front of the old Constitution public +house, which was, for the time, quite hidden from view by the tiers of +seats, which commencing from a low dais or platform, rose up to a +considerable height behind, being as high indeed as the roofs of the +tallest houses. On the dais and in the centre, there was placed a chair +of State, and the seats immediately behind this were of superior make +and were draped with crimson cloth of superior quality. The awning +overhead was of cloth of gold, and banners were fixed in every suitable +place, while tall flag poles reared their heads and displayed a cloud of +different coloured bunting. Flags of every nation were to be seen, and +altogether it was a noble sight. Then all the windows along the hard +were dressed out gaily, and festoons of natural and unnatural flowers +were hung about from poles, windows, and roofs. The old Ship of State +was decked in holiday attire, and flags fluttered in the breeze from her +mast heads down to the very water's edge. It was indeed a noble sight to +see the Buccaneer's two ships, and his chief city thus arrayed.</p> + +<p>The day at length dawned that was to witness this wonderful pageantry. +Almost as soon as the first ray of light peeped over the head of +departing night crowds of people began to assemble. The old Ship of +State fired her morning gun, and the ship alongside of her called all +the pious Buccaneers to prayer, and hymns rose up on the morning dew.</p> + +<p>The leaders of the disaffected began to marshal their respective bands. +There was the sound of music, for on such occasions, people can not get +on without it. It soothes the savage beast, so it is said, and in other +ways does good. Curious idlers with open mouths, full of wonder, passed +to and fro, for such a sight had never been seen before.</p> + +<p>The hour came for the great march past to begin, and Liberty, who was +the mistress of the ceremonies, was trying with very great difficulty to +keep her motley crowd in order. The brazen-throated trumpets now brayed +out the notice of the approach of the great Buccaneer, or fighting +trader. How he now styled himself will be shortly seen. With slow and +stately step the great man walked, preceded by his lion and followed +immediately by his trusty coxswain old Jack Commonsense, who was got up, +regardless of expense, for the occasion. The Buccaneer walked between +walls of his subjects, and listened, no doubt, with extreme pleasure to +their shouts of welcome and delight. To see the great is at all times a +gratifying spectacle, when the treat is not repeated too often. After +the Buccaneer had passed his people and had taken his place in the +chair of state, they began to make their comments. "Ah!" said some, "he +is not the man he was." "Yes, yes," cried others, "he is indeed sorely +changed. See how gingerly he treads; how fat he has grown; he is +terribly out of condition. Did you notice, too, that his lion has lost +most of his teeth?" It could not be denied that the bold Buccaneer's +step was not as elastic as it used to be. He was not the gay, +rollicking, hard hitting old sailor that he was in days of yore. Luxury +had begun to mark him as her own, and much energy of action is never +found in her train. He looked puffy and bloated, and altogether, as some +of his people said, out of condition. A voice from the crowd exclaimed +that a good healthy skunk would be far more serviceable than that old +lion. It was the cheap-Jack Jonathan. It was wonderful how he tried to +pass off that skunk of his upon other people; all of whom had no doubt +plenty of skunks of their own. But Jonathan was such a boastful fellow +that he would not be beaten even in a matter of skunks.</p> + +<p>Behind the Buccaneer came a numerous retinue of priests, ministers, +soldiers, sailors, statesmen, officials of every degree and parasites of +all kinds and descriptions, for, of course, so great a man could not be +without his fair share of these human insects to feed upon him. The +Buccaneer having taken his seat, with his coxswain standing behind his +chair, the numerous and splendid retinue filed on to the platform and +took up their respective places behind. First of all came the Lords +Spiritual and then the Lords Temporal, and then the rest of the goodly +company, according to their rank and condition. Just as everything was +ready there was a slight confusion caused by an angry discussion between +a pimp and a parasite about the order of precedence; but the dispute was +happily settled without bloodshed. Both watches were, of course, present +on so great an occasion, and amongst the rest were the conspirators of +the cook's caboose. The magnificence of the assemblage was gorgeous in +the extreme, and dazzling, for all wore their robes of state. Jonathan +thought he saw a favourable opportunity of doing a little business, so +he began to offer blue spectacles of a cheap make, and at a seductively +moderate price to the assembled multitude.</p> + +<p>Many shouts rose up as some well-known personage passed to his place, +and to save trouble Dogvane kept on bowing acknowledgments for all. +Pepper, the cook, who sat between Billy Cheeks and Chips, with the man +who had been thrown overboard on one occasion, just behind him, tried +very hard to make himself big enough to attract public notice; but he +was only partially successful. Just in front of the platform, but off +it, there was a railed-in space for the Press, to the members of which +the Buccaneer was obliged, as has been already stated, to be +particularly civil, for if affronted, not only would they turn upon him +and lecture him, but they would abuse him plentifully into the bargain. +They all had in front of them their pots of ink, coloured according to +the party they served. Better kill a plenipotentiary than hurt one of +these gentlemen by an unguarded expression. The Beggar Woman, though no +doubt somewhere amongst the crowd, was not conspicuous on this occasion.</p> + +<p>Silence was ordered, and prayer was said, and hymns of praise were sung. +The greatness and the goodness of the Buccaneer were set to sacred +music, and the singers also glorified themselves while they glorified +their master. The High Priest then asked the Ruler of all things to take +this most respectable and pious Buccaneer under His especial protection, +and through His priesthood to bless him; to confound his enemies; to +make him happy, prosperous and glorious, and a few other things scarcely +worth the mentioning, but which would materially increase his joy in +this world. In the end, he asked that the Buccaneer might, through his +Church, obtain a good inheritance in the Kingdom of Heaven. After this +light spiritual refection the Buccaneer experienced that gentle calm +which piety and respectability alone can give, and that inner +consciousness, which at all times so gratified him, namely, that he was +so much better than any of his neighbours, and all those who did not +walk along his road to heaven. He was now quite ready for business.</p> + +<p>A very high state official, who was robed in cloth of gold of superior +quality and make, and whose back and front were covered with heraldic +devices, now blew a long and loud blast upon a brazen trumpet, he then +cried out in a loud voice: "Listen all ye whom it may concern. Know ye +then that the most illustrious, potent, and powerful Sea King (thus he +was styled in all official documents), the mighty ruler of an empire, +upon which the sun never sets, the keeper of the keys of Heaven, the +defender of the only true Faith, having heard that some few of his liege +subjects, consider themselves in some trifling matters aggrieved, has +been most graciously pleased to hold this grand court at this time +assembled, so that grievances may be heard and wrongs redressed. May God +bless our great Sea King!" The last few words were merely a matter of +form, because it was well known that the Buccaneer and all his people +were the Lord's anointed. The trumpets again sounded and the procession, +or march past, of the disaffected was ordered to begin; but now another +grave difficulty arose; who was to lead? The mistress of the ceremonies, +following a time-honoured custom, was for bringing on the ladies first, +but a noisy lot of Ojabberaways declared that their burden of oppression +was so great as to do away with all traditions, and that unless they +were allowed to have their own way, no business should be done.</p> + +<p>Nothing, perhaps, showed the unfortunate state into which things had +been allowed to pass, than the extreme licence which the Ojabberaways +were allowed to have. They had been given an inch and they had taken the +proverbial ell. A small tribe of people, headed by a small band of paid +patriots, who reaped a rich harvest out of the disaffection of their +countrymen, was allowed to obstruct all business and dictate to the +great Sea King or Buccaneer, what he was to do, and how and at what time +he was to do it. All this was the handiwork of Madam Liberty, who used +Dogvane and a few of his watch, to carry out her designs.</p> + +<p>Even Dogvane had said that he must be clothed with sufficient authority +to enable him to rule this obstreperous people, but Dogvane had veered +round a little; and under his protection the Ojabberaways had become a +perfect nuisance, doing very much as they liked.</p> + +<p>They gained their point, and with a wild yell, peculiar to their +country, and as blood curdling as the cry of the savage when his hand +grasps the scalp of an enemy, they came on. Some had on masks; some +carried blunderbusses, while others, under their coats, concealed the +dagger of the assassin, and the cartridge of the dynamitard. On they +came, dragging, with ropes round their necks, a lot of unfortunates +whose general bearing and appearance showed that they had seen better +days. These poor gentlemen—for gentlemen they were—had the misfortune +to own land in the green and fertile isle of the Ojabberaways, some +indeed had Ojabberaway blood in their veins; but they belonged to the +hated class called landlords, and their chief crime was, that owning +land, they expected their tenants to pay rents.</p> + +<p>No doubt, in the past, injuries had been done and very much injustice. +They may have been hard and even grinding, and even now there might be +some amongst them who were not a credit to their class; but that +scarcely justified a refusal to fulfil all legal contracts. Their +fathers no doubt did many wrongs, lived beyond their means, and ground, +in many cases, their tenants down, for there never was an Ojabberaway +who could live within his means.</p> + +<p>"What is our crime?" cried the captives; "what sins have we committed?"</p> + +<p>"What sins have ye committed?" cried the Ojabberaways, in turn. "It's +mighty short memories ye have, and eyesight too, for the matter of that. +What are your crimes? Have ye not ground the finest peasantry in the +world down under your feet? And if it was not you, then it was your +fathers, or your grandfathers, or your great grandfathers." They then +turned to the Buccaneer: "We want to be rid of these land-grabbers, +these blood-suckers."</p> + +<p>"What is your grievance against them?" the Buccaneer asked.</p> + +<p>"Our grievance! Grievance is it?" they replied. "By the Holy Powers, our +country is thick with them. Are we not a down-trodden race? Has not the +foot of the conqueror been upon our necks for ages past? It's a +forgetful memory that perhaps ye have?"</p> + +<p>"In the past," the Buccaneer said, "injury may have been done to you, +but ample amends have now been made; and I rule you with the same laws +as I do my other people. What more, in reason, can you ask?"</p> + +<p>"We want no laws of your making. We ask that the last link of the chain +that binds us to you may be broken. We demand our independence."</p> + +<p>Now one of the victims spoke: "We have our rights too," he said, +addressing the Buccaneer, "and we claim your protection. For many years +we have been your garrison and we are a law-abiding people. We have been +faithful and loyal to you; will you then see us dragged before you with +ropes round our necks, and with hands tied behind our backs? Is this to +be the reward of our loyalty? We ask for what is the birthright of the +meanest of your citizens, protection for our lives and for our own +property."</p> + +<p>Thus it went on, and ground that had been trodden over often and often +before, was trodden over again. The difficulty was now to get rid of +this section of the disaffected, for the members showed a disposition to +become squatters and take entire possession of the situation. But some +divinely-inspired individual raised the cry that there was a free fight +going on in an adjacent neighbourhood and so the difficulty was overcome +and the Ojabberaways disappeared as if by magic.</p> + +<p>The ladies now were ushered in, but again there was a slight delay +arising out of a dispute about a matter of precedence. A woman will +suffer almost any indignity rather than that of being put in a position +lower than that to which she thinks herself entitled, and it is probable +that in many cases a woman would rather go to the devil in her proper +place than to Heaven out of it. The matter was settled and Madam Liberty +ushered in Miss Progress. She was by no means attractive, and in her +dress she aped somewhat the man. She prided herself upon her +intelligence and looked with disdain upon things usually considered to +belong peculiarly to the female sex. This advanced lady showed none of +the modesty or timidity usually found in women. In a voice loud and +clear she said: "I claim for women equal rights with men. By brute force +we have been kept under and we now demand our freedom. Man has made us +his hewers of wood and his drawers of water; the cookers of his food and +the sewer on of his buttons and the nurser of his squalling brats. Is +woman never to rise superior to such a base position? Is she for ever to +be a slave, at man's beck and call? Away with such a thought! We demand +equal rights and equal voice in all matters, for we are man's equals, +and no longer will we live under laws made by man for the benefit of +man. We will board yonder ships. Our voice shall be heard in your +councils, and our voice shall ring out from your pulpits."</p> + +<p>This language was comprehensive and bold. Some amongst the grand company +gave signs of approval. Then a dead silence followed, which was broken +by the old cox'sn, who having first of all hitched up his trousers, +exclaimed: "Mates, I thank my stars that my lower rigging keeps up +without buttons." Just as Miss Progress was again going to begin, old +Jack cried out: "Vast heaving, my hearty!" This familiar language on the +part of a common sailor very much annoyed the lady, who, fixing her +spectacles full upon the cox'sn, asked him who he was. "I am not +surprised, miss, at your asking the question. Now, it's no use beating +about the bush, and as, miss, you wish to be on an equal footing with +man and to rub shoulder to shoulder with him in your daily life, you +must not be too tender-skinned, and you will not mind the plain language +of an honest sailor. You ask me who I am? I am Jack Commonsense, very +much at your service, miss, and with your permission I will return the +compliment and ask you a question. How about your lower rigging?"</p> + +<p>"My lower rigging," cried Miss Progress, "what does the vulgar fellow +mean?"</p> + +<p>"Well, miss," Jack replied, "petticoats are all very well in their way, +and many a brave and honest lad has run ashore on 'em before now and +become a total wreck; but petticoats do hamper a person a bit, and they +ain't the sort of things to go aloft in, in a gale of wind."</p> + +<p>"Who wants to go aloft, pray?" Miss Progress asked.</p> + +<p>"Well, miss," Jack answered; "you must take the rough with the smooth, +and if you are going to be man's equal, you must do your fair share of +man's work, and must not cry out if you lose your place in the social +order and in man's estimation. Some of you are even now crying out that +man does not treat you with the consideration that he used to. The fault +lies at your own door. Who is going to take all the blows and hard +knocks; and who is going to do all the fighting?"</p> + +<p>"Man, of course," replied Miss Progress, "it is his province, his +sphere."</p> + +<p>"But has not woman her sphere? But let that fly stick to the wall; duty +first and pleasure after. As to the fighting, miss; many people think +that that spirit is not altogether absent from the female breast. Many +go so far as to think that the apple which Eve gave to Adam was +flavoured strongly with discord. Never a row yet, so some say, that a +woman was not at the bottom of it. Put your helm down, miss, and go +about; you and your likes are on the wrong tack. No good ever came yet +from a crowing hen; and a maid that whistles ain't likely to be a credit +to her family."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer complimented the cox'sn very much and hoped that his +language would find favour amongst the ladies. Many of the grand company +had dropped off to slumber; others were eagerly engaged in discussions +amongst themselves as to whether it would be a good party stroke to take +up the ladies. Many were for it and old Dogvane, it was thought, was +amongst the number. Miss Progress was by no means satisfied and declared +that woman's sphere was very much too narrow. The cox'sn, being +encouraged by his master's approval, attacked Miss Progress again in +good earnest. "Look'e here, miss," he cried, "your sphere is large +enough if you will only do your duty in it; but as is well-known a bad +workman always finds fault with his tools. If you try to be man's rival +in the world you will come off second best." Many thought that old Jack +would before long be in troubled waters; but he marched boldly on. +"Woman," he cried out, "has a noble sphere. Let her study to be a good +companion for man. Let her aim in life be to make his home comfortable, +and his children happy, useful, and good. That, my hearty, is a woman's +sphere."</p> + +<p>Miss Progress explained to the deaf ears of the grand company that she +was single, and the Buccaneer, by way of enlivening the proceedings, +asked his cox'sn if he would not take Miss Progress in marriage; but old +Jack declined with many thanks, and he told the lady in brutally plain +language that spinsters were likely to increase if many women followed +in her wake. Then speaking at the whole sex, through the lady before +him, he exclaimed: "Too many of you are gadders about, and are to be +found everywhere but in your own homes. A good, thrifty, cheerful, and +pleasant housewife is a thing of the past. Too many women in the lower +walks of life by neglecting their first duty, drive their husbands to +the fireside of the pot-house, and their children to their work-house."</p> + +<p>Other of the Buccaneer's women now came forward. One wanted to banish +vice from the streets by the strong arm of the law. She drew attention +to what she called the gross immorality of the age, and had she had her +way she would have shut up half the theatres, or turned them into +churches; and have burned most of the light literature of the day. +Perhaps this would have been no disadvantage. She also would have +dressed all the nude figures in the Buccaneer's several academies, +leaving nothing but her own bare shoulders of an evening to offend the +eyes of modesty. The female mind does at times go to strange extremes. +Another peculiarity of the Buccaneer's people was that most of the racy +light literature in his tight little island was written by the women, +and how they became so well acquainted with the shady side of human +nature was a mystery. But genius can explain all things. There is only +one thing to be said against driving vice from the streets by the strong +arm of the law. She is so very likely to find shelter in private +houses, when the purity of the domestic hearth would probably suffer.</p> + +<p>After this lady came another who wanted the Buccaneer to banish from his +realms all violent death. She said: "To furnish your idle sons with +sport, birds are slaughtered, and hares and foxes are cruelly chased to +death."</p> + +<p>"Young hounds must be blooded," the Buccaneer said.</p> + +<p>"Under the cloak of science," the lady continued, "animals are cruelly +tortured, under the inhuman plea that man is to benefit. Then men love +to see cocks spur each other to death, while dogs are allowed to fight +amongst themselves and worry cats in the public streets, without any +interference on the part of the brutal police." The lady finished up by +asking the Buccaneer to banish all violent death from the island, and +thus set a good example to the rest of the world. "Let the butcher die," +she cried, "rather than his innocent unoffending victims."</p> + +<p>All eyes were turned upon Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher of the +Starboard Watch, and many pitied him, and the cook who was a merry man, +said to his friend in a jesting manner: "Billy! old fellow, it was not +for nothing that you had that nervous attack in my galley, but cheer up, +you are not dead yet."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer now began to talk the matter over with his trusty friend, +who said, "Well, yer honour, only speaking for myself, I don't like meat +that dies a natural death, though no doubt your butchers will be glad +enough to sell it. Indeed, some of them will do it now when they can."</p> + +<p>Here a pale-faced, solemn, and even miserable-looking man exclaimed: +"Why partake of animal food which brutalizes, when a bountiful +Providence has placed at your hand a vegetable kingdom? Eat, I would +say, of the crumbs that fall from the celestial pantry."</p> + +<p>Both the Buccaneer and his cox'sn declared that they did not see how +they were going to make a good square meal out of such a diet, upon +which the last speaker said: "If you must nourish your unrighteous +stomachs, you will find that lentils and even peacods are both pleasant +and sustaining."</p> + +<p>"What say you to this, Jack?" asked the Buccaneer.</p> + +<p>"Give him rope, yer honour, and before long he will come to the +thistles, and then we had better write ourselves down asses at once. If +we go on, on this tack, sir, there will be no such thing as getting a +chop, or a steak, or even a homely rasher for either love or money, and +the best thing for me to do is to turn to and dig my own grave. But +master, there is another thing that troubles me, though I scarcely like +to give vent to my thoughts before so goodly a company." Jack upon being +earnestly solicited to unburden himself by his master, said: "Well, sir, +it's this way. If we are to banish all violent death from this fair isle +of ours, what about the flea?"</p> + +<p>The allusion to this vulgar insect caused no little confusion in so +goodly an assembly, and a wave of irritation seemed to pass through the +whole crowd, affecting even the Lords Spiritual, and Miss Progress was +so put about by being kept in the back-ground, whilst so much good time +was being wasted upon so trivial a matter, that she exclaimed with +considerable warmth, "Perish the flea!" Upon this old Jack cried out to +the amusement of all, "There I am with you, miss; but first of all +you've got to catch him."</p> + +<p>The bold Buccaneer was extremely tickled, and his sides shook with +merriment, and of course every one joined in. So great was the mirth +that the whole noble structure was shaken to its very foundation, so +much so, that the old lion got up from his recumbent position, and +looked round in a terrified manner, and the cox'sn cried out as he +turned towards the company, "Vast heaving, my hearties! Clap a stopper +upon your laughing gear, and make all merriment fast."</p> + +<p>The shrill blast of a herald's trumpet now claimed the attention of all, +and the aggrieved women were dismissed with a promise that their case +should receive the consideration it deserved, and the probability of a +Royal Commission was hinted at, and with this they were obliged to be +satisfied. Again the shrill notes of a brazen trumpet pierced the air, +and silence unfolded her wings and hovered over the company. Now a +herald, gorgeously apparelled in cloth of gold, emblazoned back and +front in the customary fashion, entered upon the scene, and expectation +was all on tip-toe.</p> + +<p>"A messenger, a messenger, no doubt," cried Dogvane, "from his august +and most sable Majesty King Hokee with dispatches from the most noble +Bandit of the East."</p> + +<p>With much pomp and ceremony the herald advanced, carrying over his left +shoulder a spear, and in his right hand what looked like a battered +beaver hat, with the crown knocked out. Halting in front of the +Buccaneer, he exclaimed, after having made the usual obeisance, "Most +noble and illustrious Sea King, ruler of the universe, the holder of the +only key to Heaven, the redresser of wrongs, the chastiser of the evil +doer, and the terror of the oppressor, know that a little while since, +while yet the day was but a few hours old, two friendly factions of the +Ojabberaways met, and entered upon an argument apparently from opposite +premises, and this is the conclusion that they arrived at." With this he +stuck his spear into the battered beaver, for such it was, and raised it +up on high, for an admiring crowd to gaze upon. When curiosity was +satisfied a very high state official took charge of the interesting +relic, and it was conveyed with much ceremony to one of the Buccaneer's +principal museums.</p> + +<p>It must be owned that to sit and listen to the complaints of so many +people was trying to the patience of all; but the Buccaneer and his +family were well trained to this sort of thing, and even liked it. +Sunday after Sunday the uncrowned queen, Respectability, sent them all +to church, sometimes even twice. There they sat quietly under their +favourite pulpit, and listened without a murmur to their pastor, who +frequently either chided them as children, treated them as fools, or +eternally damned them all as incorrigible sinners.</p> + +<p>The upper ranks of the Buccaneer's people now came on and complained +that their heels were being kicked by those who came after them, and +that the respect that once was given to rank and social position was now +grudgingly bestowed, if indeed it was bestowed at all. The deputation +was presented with the proverb which the Buccaneer and his cox'sn had +picked up in their roving days on the Spanish Main, and they were +recommended to have it framed and hung up in some convenient place, +where their children might be able to look upon it.</p> + +<p>The Squire followed, and he again laid bare his numerous complaints; +said he could never remember the time when he was in such low water, for +he could get little or nothing out of his tenants, whilst his burdens +were more than he could bear. Scarcely had he finished speaking, when +his tenants appeared in a body, and declared, that owing to the foreign +cheap-Jacks underselling them, they could not get enough out of the land +to keep body and soul together, let alone money enough to pay their +landlord rents. Some of these tenants complained too, that the clergy +were too exacting, and made no abatement in their tithe charge; but +demanded the pound of flesh that was in their bond.</p> + +<p>This brought the clergy forward, and they declared that their claim was +the first charge upon the land, which was taken subject to the burden. +The pulpit produces the speaker, if it does nothing else. "Is it not in +our bond," they said, "that we shall have the tenth part of the yearly +increase arising from the profits of the land, the stock upon the land, +and the personal industry of those living upon the land, or a just +equivalent for these?"</p> + +<p>There was now a most learned discussion upon the origin and nature of +the tithe charge, all of which did little less than breed confusion. The +argument was taken up amongst the company. Some said that it began first +as a purely voluntary offering, but that long since a crafty priesthood +had fossilized it into a hard and fast legal right, which weighed +heavily upon the land in such hard times. The clergy said that it was on +account of the hardness of men's hearts that the offering had to be +legalized into a right. "If," they said, "the charge were left to the +free will of man, we should soon starve, for man would give nothing in +so selfish, degenerate, and worldly an age. The custom is sanctioned by +age and by Divine authority, for did not Abraham, when he spoiled the +five kings, give a tenth part of the spoils to Melchisedek?" No one +seemed bold enough to deny this, and the clergy finished up by saying +that as they were called upon to fulfil their obligations, so they must +call upon other people to fulfil theirs.</p> + +<p>This seemed but reasonable; but just as the Buccaneer was going to +deliver judgment, the poor clergy took the opportunity to come forward +and present their grievance, which was to the effect that they, and +their families, were in many cases in want. Upon being appealed to, the +High Priest and Lords Spiritual declared that it was so, and that it +reflected the greatest discredit upon the Buccaneer and all his people, +for it betokened a selfish hardness of heart that was most +unchristian-like.</p> + +<p>The poorer clergy were treated to a most excellent discourse upon the +beauties of poverty, which beauties, it would appear, that even the +clergy love best to contemplate at a distance, which in this, as in most +things else, lends enchantment to the view. It was pointed out to this +section of the disaffected, by those in spiritual authority, that Christ +Himself was a great advocate for poverty and condemned in no measured +terms the greed after riches; that all His early disciples were poor and +lowly, and that His religion was propagated by a band of holy, but +shoeless beggars. The poor clergy were bid to find comfort in this, and +walk in the path to which they had been called with a sanctified +humility.</p> + +<p>The old cox'sn now got himself into disgrace, for he turned round and +asked the preacher how he could reconcile the precept with the general +practice. How, if poverty was such a fine thing, the clergy did not +practise it themselves. The high ecclesiastics to whom Jack addressed +himself did not condescend to answer so impertinent a remark, but all +chance of Church preferment was for ever gone from the old cox'sn, and +it is even possible that if he then had died he would not have been +allowed Christian burial.</p> + +<p>"This difficulty," cried the Buccaneer, "can be easily overcome." Then +turning to his Lords Spiritual and other high church dignitaries, he +said, "While some on board of your ship, my lords, have too much, others +have too little of this world's wealth. A little while since some +amongst you preached a homily upon the beauties of poverty. All of you +follow the Master who said that it is easier for a camel to go through +the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, +and when that rich man is a priest, how doubly hard must be the task. +Therefore, I say to you, as I have said before, and in the language of +Him whom you profess to follow, 'sell all that you have and give it to +the poor,' or at least, share your riches amongst your poorer brethren."</p> + +<p>Now, when those in authority on board the old Church Hulk heard this +they were extremely sorrowful and sorely grieved, for many of them had +large incomes and other worldly possessions, while some had fashionable +and ambitious wives, and many had large families, and, as everyone +knows, it is hard enough to serve two masters, and next to impossible +when the masters are increased to many.</p> + +<p>The old cox'sn, who was of a pious turn, wondered what would happen if +Christ were to appear again upon earth and enter some one of the +Buccaneer's many temples where the perfumed flowers of his fashionable +society worshipped God, or, perhaps many gods, in all their pride and +splendour. Jack, however, kept his counsel. He was an humble individual +and it was not for him to meddle in such weighty matters.</p> + +<p>Close upon the heels of the Church came the Buccaneer's lawyers, and +true chips were these of the ancient block. The members of the Devil's +own, as they were called, complained that an interfering fellow on board +of the old Ship of State had called them brigands and other offensive +names. This they did not so much mind, but what they did object to was, +that busy bodies, instead of paying attention to their own business, +wanted to meddle with theirs, and by so doing, to curtail their +perquisites and cut down their fees. Of all the Buccaneer's trades and +professions, in no one was the principle of the parable before alluded +to more conspicuous than in his legal profession, the members of which +not only fleeced their sheep, but flayed them, whenever they had the +smallest opportunity. The estimation they were held in, even amongst the +Buccaneer's people, was shown by the fact that in all his works of +fiction, either on the stage or in novels, almost all the rogues were +provided by the legal profession.</p> + +<p>But the spirit of robbery to which allusion has been so frequently made, +was to be found even where it ought not to have existed. Many of the +Buccaneer's schools were presided over by members of his State Church +and many of his teachers were drawn from the same source. Now some of +these, in an underhand way, robbed the parents of the boys intrusted to +their charge, for they were paid extremely well, if not exorbitantly, to +educate their pupils, but in too many cases they taught them little or +nothing, and sent them home, into the bargain, to live a good portion of +the time at their parents' expense. Then at the end of what was by +courtesy called their academical career, the young birds were sent out +into the world veritable fledgelings as regards their knowledge, with +not feathers sufficient to cover the nakedness of their ignorance or to +fly in search of food. This is at the top of that scale at the bottom of +which lies the vulgar thief who breaks through and steals.</p> + +<p>After the lawyers came the doctors, who complained that people +apparently had little or no inclination to get ill. They declared there +seemed to be a selfish desire on the part of every one to keep the +time-honoured and much-trusted family doctor out in the cold, and if it +were not for the love which still kept a strong hold upon the people, to +over-eat and over-drink themselves, their profession would be but a poor +one, though in young children they still found some little support. +Whether the doctors robbed the people or not, could not very easily be +told as they rendered no details with their accounts.</p> + +<p>The next lot to appear, showed by their double chests and double chins +that they were no strangers to good living, and no doubt beneath their +capacious waistcoats lay the tail end of many a bottle of their master's +wine. These men complained that their masters had become so niggardly +and looked after things so closely themselves, that perquisites (by some +called plunder) were quite things of the glorious past, so that the +modest independence with the public house, the lodging house, or the +green-grocer's shop, was put so far away into the future as to come too +late, if it ever came at all.</p> + +<p>These much ill-used individuals had the same sad story to tell about +foreign competition. They declared people came over in crowds from their +neighbours and took the bread out of their mouths. Now came the women +servants, resplendent in their cheap finery, and with airs and graces +aped from their betters. Some of these quarrelled with some thing, some +with another, and one and all seemed considerably above their position, +being much too proud to work.</p> + +<p>Before dealing with these the Buccaneer ordered on the masters and +mistresses so that by hearing their side of the story he might be the +better able to judge. It was a sign of the times that the servants came +on first, and many believed that this merely was the finger post which +pointed to a state of things, when all would be changed and the classes +would be the humble and obedient slaves of the masses, when King Mob +would wield the sceptre over the Buccaneer's people. It, therefore, +behoved those interested to see that their future masters were properly +educated.</p> + +<p>The employers now declared that it was almost impossible to get good +servants. Not one would bear correction. They demanded high pay for +doing very little work, and grumbled at all times both at the quality +and the quantity of their food. They declared that the lower orders were +now so educated that all the girls preferred either to go into shops, or +into the school-room, and then the suffering upper classes were called +upon to support institutions to keep these spoilt children off the +streets. There was a general complaint too, that the stomachs of the +serving classes had become so dainty, that they turned up their noses at +what their betters were very well contented with, and there was a +general concurrence of opinion that, rather than put up with the +insolence, ignorance, and idleness of the Buccaneer's own people, +masters and mistresses would either do without servants altogether, or +employ foreigners, who were more industrious, very much more sober, and +quite as honest as the Buccaneer's people, while they did not go to +their local clubs or pot houses, and talk over their master's affairs, +and disclose to the vigilant burglar the whereabouts of their master's +silver. Nor were they in league with the local tradesmen to rob their +masters.</p> + +<p>"Away with you all," cried the Buccaneer, addressing the servants. He +was always ready to condemn peculation on such a scale as this. "Away +with you," he cried, "for you are all robbers in disguise. Speak to +them, Jack, and trounce them well with thy tongue."</p> + +<p>"Aye, aye, yer honour. 'Bout ship, my lads and lasses, before shame and +misfortune throw their grappling irons on board of you. You're heading +for the jail and the work-house, and before you lie poverty and misery. +'Bout ship, I say, before you find that hunger is the best sauce for a +proud stomach."</p> + +<p>This batch went away more dissatisfied than ever, and they declared that +the old coxswain's language was brutal in the extreme, and they swore +they would have nothing to do with such a fellow as that. They +determined to get some one of the ship's crew, who wanted some +opportunity to bring himself before the public, to take their case up, +and by putting a heavy tax upon foreign labour, give them greater +opportunities to be independent, more idle, and insolent.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXVII" id="CHAPTER_XXXVII"></a>CHAPTER XXXVII.</h2> + + +<p>The Buccaneer thought that for a contented and prosperous people he had +his fair share of disaffection; but Liberty now ushered in a pale-faced +and solemn looking batch, who declared that drink was sending the +Buccaneer's people to the dogs and the devil. They carried in front of +them a banner on which was depicted a drunkard beating his wife, and +ill-using his starved children. On the reverse, there was the besotted +mother and the sober but miserable husband. This cheerless-looking lot, +upon whose features laughter-loving mirth never seemed to dwell, were +the total abstainers, who declared that nothing would save the Buccaneer +and his people, except they were all made sober by law.</p> + +<p>"Why, Jack!" cried the Buccaneer, turning to his friend, "one lot wants +to feed me on peacods, while another wants to drench me with water."</p> + +<p>But now a portly lot of red-faced, pimply-nosed publicans, whose +stomachs were as round as one of their own beer barrels, pushed their +way to the front, and swore that water was being the ruin of them. They +told the Buccaneer in plain and unmistakable language, that if his +people continued to walk in the paths of sobriety at the same rate at +which they were at present going, the source from which he derived no +little of his revenue would be completely dried up, and he would lose +millions of his yearly income, when his upper classes would have to bear +the burden of increased taxation.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer always taxed his upper classes as much as ever he could. +Perhaps this was right. Besides, what was called the people, that +mighty, but barely defined force, did not like taxation, and therefore +they were exempted; but they had no prejudice otherwise against the +principle.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer was touched, and after a moment's consideration he said, +"Why can't my subjects drink in moderation, and not make beasts of +themselves?"</p> + +<p>"Why not, indeed, sir?" answered the publicans. "A man in moderation can +take a good quantity of liquor and not hurt himself, and yet benefit the +trade and his country. We set our face against your habitual drunkard. +He is our enemy, because he gives in too soon. It is the steady drinker; +the man who is always at it, and yet who never gets himself into +difficulties, that is our friend."</p> + +<p>To lose millions a year. This was indeed a serious affair, and the +Buccaneer feared that those muddling water drinkers would do him +considerable harm. But there was a bright spot looming in the distance, +for had not his trusty Captain Dogvane told him that there was a heathen +nation with an immense population to be civilised? Of course it was +against his religious principles that he should place drunkenness within +easy reach of this people; but then, if at the same time he gave them +his Book, and rescued them from the devil, that would be a fair +exchange, and in all things human, there must be shortcomings; things +that one would willingly prevent if one could, but we cannot expect +perfection in this world, and we must therefore have recourse to that +most useful and necessary custom of winking at things we cannot help. It +is much to be regretted, that the heathen with civilisation will take to +strong liquors, as naturally apparently as a duck takes to water. But he +does, so there is an end of it. The Buccaneer now eased his conscience +by being extremely severe upon his publicans whom he read a sharp +lecture. He treated them in a most haughty manner, said they were a +demoralizing agency; a blot, a blemish, and a disgrace; but still he +took their money. He told them they had better take care of themselves.</p> + +<p>The publicans said that was the very thing of all others they would try +to do; but they added that the officers of the Buccaneer's Revenue were +so precious sharp, and were so much against them, and were down upon +them with such heavy penalties if they attempted to help their friends +the teetotallers, by watering their ales, and other strong drinks, that +virtue had no chance to be over-virtuous. They declared that the +licentious Revenue officers hovered over them like a lot of hungry +vultures; and with their meddlesome ways were doing an infinity of +mischief.</p> + +<p>The publicans were a mighty power in the Buccaneer's kingdom, and it is +to his credit that he rebuked them even as he did. He read them a +lecture, and having in his mind's eye the banner of the teetotallers he +pointed out to the delinquents the frightful consequences of drink. The +publicans were quite equal to the occasion, they said that there were +two sides to every question, and that the devil himself was not half as +black as he was painted. To this the Lords Spiritual took exception, and +they rose in a body and entered their protest against such a blasphemous +assertion. Of course this weighty matter could not be argued out at such +a time, or in such a place; but it was taken up on board the old Church +Hulk, and received there all the attention it deserved, and no doubt it +was the means of adding still more to the Buccaneer's numerous sects.</p> + +<p>Some were inclined to subject the devil to the fashionable process known +as white-washing. As every eminent blackguard in ancient, and up to a +certain time even in modern history, has undergone this treatment, there +is no reason why his satanic majesty should be left out in the cold. It +seems hard that the blackguard Judas should not have been favoured, but +perhaps some champion will yet arise to take up his cause. Does not the +Christian world owe him something? Would it have been saved from the +torments of hell, if Judas had not played the betrayer's part? The +publicans said there was a good deal of prejudice about drink. That +party feeling here, as elsewhere, ran extremely high, engendering very +much animosity, and thus a good deal of obloquy and unjust reproach was +heaped upon the head of the poor drunkard. They begged that the subject +might be approached in no mean or narrow spirit. They maintained that +the drunkard, if only a steady going drunkard, and a man of regular +habits, was a public benefactor. One who did his best through the means +of indirect taxation to swell the revenues of the State, and as a vast +number of the Buccaneer's people paid no direct taxes, the only way they +helped to keep up the dignity, the honour, the welfare, and the safety +of the empire was by getting as drunk as they could, as often as they +could. Indeed, looking at it from their point of view, the greater the +drunkard, the greater the benefactor he was to the community; he being a +man who sacrificed himself, and frequently his family, for the sake of +his country, as every good citizen should. If he broke down occasionally +under the burden of indirect taxation, he was an object more of pity +than of contempt. And if he beat his wife, and starved his children, +what then? The individual must at all times be sacrificed for the sake +of the general public. So eloquent were the publicans, and there was so +much force in what they said, that the Buccaneer began to waver. The +publicans seeing the good impression they had made, continued on in the +same direction, and pointed out that if the teetotallers set up the pump +and pulled down the pot-house, that not only would the great Buccaneer +lose his revenue, but that his people would assuredly become gourmands, +for that there never was a total abstainer who was not a large if not a +coarse feeder, and of the two, a drunkard, they declared, bad as he was, +was infinitely to be preferred to a glutton.</p> + +<p>The case was undoubtedly a serious one. Not one amongst the grand +company—not even Dogvane himself—would dare to give an opinion +directly against the publicans, such was their power in the island. The +Buccaneer was obliged to admit that the drunkard was a despicable +rascal, and the cause of very great misery; but then the public-houses +brought in such a very large revenue.</p> + +<p>There appeared to be only one way out of the difficulty and that was to +have recourse to a Royal Commission. This institution which has before +been mentioned, requires to be explained, for it was extremely useful to +the Buccaneer and got him out of many difficulties. It was a wonderful +institution and had many and various virtues. It was supposed to contain +a cure for every evil under the sun and to possess wonderful powers of +finding out ills and their several remedies; and it was supposed to have +a microscopic eye, and a bright intelligence, that shed a light into the +darkest holes and corners. At least, it was supposed to do all this. It +was a mysterious institution, having, indeed, some of the attributes of +the Inquisition. There was one thing about it that was evident to all. +It was extremely slow in its working, and perhaps in this lay no little +of its virtue, for anything that it took under its consideration faded +away from public view long before any conclusion was arrived at, and +thus it may be said that it squeezed all the life out of whatever it sat +upon, and then buried its victim in some official pigeon-hole, or other +tomb belonging to oblivion.</p> + +<p>What the publicans had said brought forward the butchers; but Billy +Cheeks had nothing to do with these. They declared they were doing +scarcely any business. They said that however true it might be, as a +general rule, about water-drinkers being large eaters, they saw no signs +of total abstinence in this respect amongst the people. They added that +what with foreign competition and the growing carefulness of +housekeepers, who kept far too sharp an eye upon their allies the cooks, +their profits were falling off every day. Then they pointed out that +their trade was being threatened by the vegetarians, who could stuff +themselves to repletion for about sixpence, or even less. Now a farmer, +who having heard what the butchers had said, declared butchers ought to +be making large fortunes, for that they charged the people quite double, +and sometimes more, than what they gave for the meat. This was quite +true, but then the butchers only acted upon that principle of robbery +which was to be detected in the breast of most of the trading +Buccaneers, and was all due, no doubt, to an old Sea King, or pirate, +having taken to business in his latter years, and the principle on which +he traded, namely, of turning his five talents into ten.</p> + +<p>The dispute between the burly farmer and the burly butcher seemed +likely to end in blows; but the vegetarians stepped in and acted as a +buffer. They declared that animal food was not at all necessary, and +that if men would only feed upon vegetables there would be no wars and +they would live longer and more intellectual lives.</p> + +<p>"If that comes to pass," said old Jack, "farewell to the lowing herds +and the bleating flocks, for man isn't going to keep these things to +look at, and a pretty flabby weak-kneed lot we shall be. Give me my chop +and toothsome steak, say I."</p> + +<p>Jack was told that he was very much behind the time and that science was +dead against him. This discussion was put an end to by the appearance of +the milkmen who complained that they had suffered considerably since +they had been stopped manufacturing their own cream, adulterating their +milk with water, and mixing fat with their butter. In fact, all the +tradesmen had the same story to tell, and cried out against the +stringent laws which ground them down to a rigid line of honesty. +Perquisites and peculation, they declared, were almost things of the +past, and they added that all this was strictly against the interests of +trade, and was not according to precedent. They wanted to know where the +Buccaneer would have been if, in his fine old Buccaneering days, he had +been so hampered. In conclusion they declared that a too rigid honesty +was not compatible with prosperity, and that though "honesty is the best +policy" is a capital text to put over your door, it is a bad principle +to practise behind the counter. They added that "<i>caveat emptor</i>" ought +to be the motive power between man and man in all his mercantile +transactions, and that idiots should be left to take care of themselves.</p> + +<p>This unprincipled language horrified the Buccaneer, who having long +since become wealthy, could now afford to be honest, virtuous, and +respectable. So he condemned, in no measured terms, these nefarious +adulterators, and would-be peculators. It is true that these tradesmen +were but chips of the ancient block; but that block had now been laid +aside, and was only produced on very great and state occasions, when the +magnitude of it quite overshadowed all the small chips that had been cut +from it, and the block was so highly polished that it looked altogether +beautiful and quite virtuous.</p> + +<p>But who are these men, who look like whitened sepulchres, that are +treading so closely upon the heels of the milkmen?</p> + +<p>These are the Buccaneer's bakers, who declared that nearly all the +Buccaneer's bread was made by foreign hands, who were literally taking +the very bread out of the mouths of the Buccaneer's own sons.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer knew there was very great truth in this. But how was he to +remedy the evil? His was a free land and people ever had been allowed to +come and to go at their own pleasure; and to buy and sell, and to make +their money as best they could. Then the bakers had the same complaint +about the severity of the law, which kept so strict an eye upon them all +to the detriment of trade, that it was not safe to use any of the +substances so useful in adulterating bread, such as bean meal, rice +flour, potatoes and peas, indian corn, salt, and alum. Of course they +admitted that too much alum was not good for the human stomach, but that +was no business of theirs, and the human stomach could adapt itself to +all things, so wonderfully and marvellously was it made.</p> + +<p>The brewers next had their say, and declared that their ales and stouts +stood a chance of being washed out of the market by the light beverages +from the other side of the water, and that these and wishy-washy wines +were ruining their trade, and undermining the constitution of the +people. These malcontents declared that this was but the thin end of the +wedge which was eventually to cleave the Buccaneer's prosperity asunder. +It was by good strong brewed ales and beef that he had made himself what +he was, and unless John Barleycorn was reinstated they fully believed +that the Buccaneer would dwindle down to the mere shadow of his former +self.</p> + +<p>This oration met with general approval; for there were many who thought +that beer and beef produced good muscle, sound bodies, and healthy and +courageous minds; but a sickly smile played upon the features of the +teetotallers and vegetarians, who pitied all those whose minds were so +much clouded by ignorance.</p> + +<p>Now a general cry rose up from amongst the traders against the buyers, +who, it was said, were ruining trade by their co-operation, which, it +was declared, had taken all the gilt off their gingerbread. The strange +part of the thing was, that while the shop-keepers claimed the privilege +of combining together to fleece their customers they denied the latter +the right of combining together for their own protection. "How," they +asked, "were poor people to maintain their families, make a modest +competence, and support their public burdens, if the consumers +patronized co-operative stores?" They all declared that in days, +unhappily long since past, people lived quite as long as they did now, +if not longer. This they considered a conclusive proof that +adulteration, if conducted upon the principles of moderation, was not +detrimental to the coatings of the human stomach, which, they said, was +being ruined by the extreme care that was being taken of it, until +indeed there was a good chance of that pampered and petted member ruling +the whole body in a most tyrannical manner. The stomach had been made to +do certain work; then why relieve it of its responsibility?</p> + +<p>The tailors now advanced, and they also had their grievance; for they +declared that the atmosphere was so impregnated with honesty that their +cabbages were nothing like as fine as what they used to be; and they +made the same cry out against foreign competition. The shoemakers had +the same tale to tell. Behind these came the handmaids to fashion and +folly, who declared that their field of operation was becoming more and +more contracted, not on account of any falling off in the vanity of the +female sex, but on account of the cruel laws that had been passed to +guard the husbands against the extravagance of their wives. All this +they declared was extremely unjust and entirely against the interest of +trade.</p> + +<p>The honest Hodge family now came lumbering along, and each member +carried in his hands a halter of rope. The Buccaneer beheld them with +amazement, for he feared they were going to take a leaf out of the +Ojabberaways' book and make a prisoner of the poor old Squire. He was +relieved to find they had no such intention. The Hodge family were one +and all agriculturalists, but they declared that times were sadly out of +joint with them. They said they wished to make a prisoner of no one; but +they each of them had been promised a cow and a bit of land, by a +gentleman they saw amongst the grand company, and they had brought the +bit of rope to lead their beast back. "Hodge," cried the Buccaneer, +"your bed may not be one of roses; but your condition has wonderfully +improved. Your wages in the last fifty years have been doubled, and so +have your comforts. You ever have had the reputation of being an honest +fellow, willing to earn by the sweat of your brow a living; keep in the +same track. Remember promises are made of pie crust, and take care, my +honest fellow, that designing people neither make a tool nor a fool of +you." Hodge scratched his head to try by gentle irritation to conjure +his brain into such a state of activity that he might understand the +situation, but he found no relief, and had to go away muttering to +himself that "summut must be wrong somewhere."</p> + +<p>A complete damper was now put upon the whole of the proceedings, by the +appearance of a most melancholy and miserable-looking body of men. On +their faces woe, deep woe, sat enthroned, and their dress bore testimony +to the depth of their sorrow. This mournful section of the disaffected +could scarcely speak for emotion. It was a deputation from the +undertakers, who declared that unless something was done to revive and +encourage their drooping trade, they would all have to throw themselves +upon the community by entering the work-house. They said their business +was not what it had been or what it ought to be. Though perhaps they did +not suffer as much as other traders from foreign competition, people +still having sufficient respect for themselves to wish to be buried in +home-made coffins, yet the general depression, but more especially that +which bore so heavily upon their worthy friends, the publicans, bid fair +to ruin them. Indeed, they saw little before them but their own +tenantless coffins. Then they said that buryings had so fallen off that +little or no margin for profit was left, for not only had they decreased +in number, but also considerably in quality. People, they declared, +seemed to take more care of themselves than they used to; eating less, +and drinking less; consequently living longer. Then when they died they +generally left behind them strictly economical and even niggardly +instructions, and worse still, relations who were mean enough to carry +them out. They said all this was against the interests of trade, and +ought to be put a stop to. All hired grief, they declared, was a drug +upon the market. The nodding funereal plumes were fast vanishing. The +pensive, sorrow-faced, and red-nosed mute, they declared, would soon be +a being of the past, and would only live in the pages of history, unless +some fresh life was put into him by more frequent deaths, and more +decent and expensive funerals. They said that the money now spent upon +floral decorations, which in a few hours were crushed under the earth, +if they did not find their way to the grave-digger's cottage, would keep +a mute in drink and his wife and family in bread for many weeks, and +they declared that such sinful waste ought to be put down by the strong +arm of the law. It was a pity, they said, that such a hardness of heart +had seized upon the Buccaneer's people, for that now the circumstances +of the deceased could no longer be told by the funeral obsequies, and +that now many a great, and even rich man, went to his last resting-place +with no more pomp, than if he had been one of mean degree. A few widows +perhaps, whose hearts were stricken with remorse for the lives they had +led their husbands, and out of gratitude for the comfortable +circumstances they had been left in, still showed liberality, but the +number, though respectable, was not more than sufficient to give a small +flicker to the dying lamp of their prosperity.</p> + +<p>With eyes brimful of tears, they declared that their old friends, the +doctors, were deserting them, for they did not now kill half the people +they used to, and there seemed to be a selfish desire on all sides to +cheat the grave, and consequently to injure the undertakers.</p> + +<p>Then they declared that science was doing an infinity of harm by poking +its nose into every offensive smell it came across, by trapping drains, +emptying, and forbidding cesspools, and finding sanitary preventions for +nearly every disease. This, they declared, was violating one of the +Buccaneer's most cherished principles, namely, the liberty of the +subject. They further said that their trade now, owing to the doctors, +science, and the spread of education, which was an enemy to dirt and +drains, seldom, if ever, received a fillip from the friendly hand of an +epidemic. As the absence of outdoor, and indoor, parish relief was an +index to the prosperity of the country, so they declared that the +falling off even in pauper funerals bore ample testimony to their +languishing trade.</p> + +<p>Thus ended this funeral oration, and it had such an effect upon the +Buccaneer that what little spirits he commenced the day with had +completely vanished. It seemed to him that each hour brought before him +a sadder picture, and he called for the captain of his watch, for he +wanted to ask him how he could reconcile what he had said about the +general happiness, and prosperity of his people, with this long list of +disaffection. But old Dogvane was not to be found. Some said he had only +just gone round the corner for a few minutes, while others said he was +on duty on board of the old Ship of State.</p> + +<p>After a little consideration the Buccaneer made known to the undertakers +how deeply he was grieved at their sad story, "But," he added, "in such +things it is not well to act with indecent haste, lest some greater +injury should be done. So grave do I consider the matter you have +brought before me that I promise you a Royal Commission."</p> + +<p>With voices quivering with emotion the undertakers thanked their august +master for his extreme consideration, and most gracious condescension, +and they said they felt sure that if their case was only laid before a +Royal Commission it would certainly not be prejudiced by any undue, or +indecent haste.</p> + +<p>But now there was a great commotion going on in the crowd, and two angry +women were heard abusing each other like the proverbial fish-fags. The +one was called Fair Trade, the other Free Trade. These two had had a +quarrel of long standing, and they never met that they did not exchange +compliments. Each carried baskets, in which were various articles of +merchandise. They seemed now to have a strong inclination to tear each +other to pieces, and their shrill voices were heard for a considerable +distance, and forced themselves upon the ears of the grand company.</p> + +<p>"If I had my way," cried the one known as Fair Trade, "I would tear all +that cheap finery of yours off your back."</p> + +<p>"Yes," exclaimed the other, "and stick it upon your own. That costly, +but sober looking homespun of yours needs something to set it off," so +said Free Trade, who held up before the eyes of the people her cheap +wares.</p> + +<p>"Buy my home-made loaf," cried Fair Trade.</p> + +<p>"Buy mine at half the price," cried Free Trade.</p> + +<p>"Better give me double for mine," exclaimed Fair Trade, "than deal with +that woman. She is bringing ruin upon us with her cheap trash. Through +her our cornfields lie fallow. Through her our industries languish, and +some even have passed away from us. Through her our country has been +filled with idle hands, and the wolf of want has been brought to many a +door."</p> + +<p>"They don't seem to have settled their dispute yet, Jack," the Buccaneer +said.</p> + +<p>"No, sir. A few years since and nothing would do but you must lie the +old bluff-bowed ship Protection up, and now some of them are always +casting longing eyes at her, and their sighs of regret would fill the +sails of a Seventy-Four."</p> + +<p>"What!" cried the Buccaneer, in dismay, as he saw Poverty with her large +family of ragged and half-starved children now come on to the scene. +"You here again. Why I am constantly doing something for you, and my +Great Hat is forever being sent round."</p> + +<p>"And still I want," said Poverty.</p> + +<p>"I have built you model dwellings. I have ordered all your drains to be +trapped; your cesspools cleaned, and your dustbins emptied; and all your +children I insist upon being sent to school, so that they may learn the +efficacy of comfort and cleanliness, and learn to bear with patience +their many sufferings."</p> + +<p>"But I ask for food," persisted Poverty.</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer now said, "I give you, my good woman, the very best of all +food, namely, food for the mind."</p> + +<p>But Poverty answered, "Why turn the lamp of knowledge into my hovel? Why +teach me that while others have plenty, I am in rags, cold, and hungry. +Knowledge on an empty stomach is a dangerous thing. To open my eyes is +the refinement of cruelty, for ignorance, at least, dulls the edge of +misery. If you cannot fill my stomach and patch up the rents in my +clothes, then in pity kill me. Send me to a lethal chamber and let me +revel for a brief moment in the luxury of one good meal, and let me pass +into eternity without the pinching pangs of hunger."</p> + +<p>This language shocked every one, and the feeling was still more +increased, when Pity, who was standing not far off weeping, said, +"Mother, if you cannot feed this poor woman and her many children; if +you have no room for them, then for my sake take them to thy bosom, +close their eyes, and hush them to sleep in everlasting slumber."</p> + +<p>Poverty was chided in a gentle tone by the Buccaneer's High Church +dignitaries there assembled, and prayers were said for her, and she was +told that though she received stripes and lashes here, in the next world +she would be rewarded, and she was bid to fix her gaze upon that region +which lies beyond the grave, where the bright star of Hope is forever +shining, and where there is neither hunger, cold, nor thirst.</p> + +<p>Just as all sympathy was enlisted on the side of this poor woman a +circumstance happened that changed the whole current of feeling. +Suddenly a cry rose up of "Stop, thief." It was now found that while all +interests were centred upon Poverty, one of her children, seeing the +opportunity, slipped round, and getting unobserved upon the platform, +had crawled along, in a most irreverent manner, under the legs of the +Lords Spiritual, and being totally uninfluenced by the atmosphere of +sanctity in which he moved, the young rascal had slipped his hand into +the capacious pocket of the Buccaneer, and had taken therefrom ever so +much gold and silver, while the old coxswain was found to have lost his +best silk bandana.</p> + +<p>This bold act of robbery caused a great commotion, and extreme +indignation, and in trying to catch the thief, Poverty was entirely +forgotten, for, of course, crime in a community is a much more serious +thing than any amount of want, though one is frequently but the +offspring of the other.</p> + +<p>So indignant was the Buccaneer at this gross act of ingratitude, that +directly he regained his composure, he read Poverty a lecture and told +her she ought to be ashamed of herself, and that unless she took better +care of her children they would be sure to fall into either the jailer's +or the hangman's hands. "No wonder," he said, "that misery darkens your +doors, and hunger pinches your children's stomachs. Away with you," he +cried, "and learn to be honest, thrifty, industrious, and sober, for God +alone helps those who help themselves."</p> + +<p>There was a twinkle in the old coxswain's eye. He was labouring, like a +ship in a gale of wind, under the influence of a joke. A joke is of such +a nature that the owner of it cannot keep it in. Like murder it will +out. "Master," he said, "your doctrine is a little dangerous. You scold +Poverty one moment for what you bid her do the next."</p> + +<p>"How so?"</p> + +<p>"Why did not her young brat help himself to my bandana and to your +superfluous cash?"</p> + +<p>The expression on the Buccaneer's face at thus being trifled with, was +such that old Jack, to make use of sea-faring language, bore away, and +mixed amongst the crowd, just as another great hubbub arose from the +regions of the disaffected. The grand court was broken up by Demos, who +having collected as many as he could of the discontented had raised his +standard again and was for enthroning King Mob in the Buccaneer's chair +of State. With wild shouts and with flourishes of sticks and other +improvised weapons, he came on and demanded a hearing, and many thought +there would be just such another to-do as when the old cox'sn so +gallantly defended the gorge and regained possession of the Place of +Discord.</p> + +<p>Demos now in the attitude more of a dictator than a supplicant, demanded +of the Buccaneer that capital should be confiscated and divided amongst +the people. That luxury should be banished. That all should be made to +work for a living and that the hours of labour should be defined, +limited, and enforced by law. "By nature," he said, "all are equal, and +in the sight of God there is no such thing as class distinction. Every +person born is born to an inheritance, and that is a right to live." +Demos declared that all property must be common, and all human drones +destroyed. He raised the old cry of equality, which history and even +nature has proved to be an impossibility.</p> + +<p>When the crowd heard the words of Demos there was a great shouting and +clapping of hands. This comprehensive scheme somewhat frightened the +upper layer of the Buccaneer's society; some of whom declared that Demos +had foreign blood in his veins; that he was an alien. But Demos cried +out, "No alien am I. I am as much your child as those who sit enthroned +in high places. They toil not, neither do they spin, but live by the +labour of other people. It is against the vampire capital, that I wage +my war. That bloodsucker, which feeds upon the industries of your poorer +children, who have built up for you your present greatness by the sweat +of their brows and by the blood of their bodies."</p> + +<p>"And would you, my lad, from sheer envy and hatred," cried the +Buccaneer, "pull down in one day what it has taken me so many years of +toil to build up? From what babbling brook have you drunk in your +principles?"</p> + +<p>"From no babbling brook," Demos exclaimed, "but from that deep spring +which has been handed down to us from ages past. Did not the Great +Master, whom yonder old Church Hulk professes to follow, teach us that +all men before God are equal, and that all property should be held in +common."</p> + +<p>Here the High Priest of the Buccaneer rose up and said, "Our Great +Master never, by either word or deed taught, or even sanctioned, +robbery. On the contrary, He enjoined every man to be contented with +that which he had; not to covet other men's goods. He said, give, but +never take. But you are not the first who has tried to distort the +Scriptures to serve your own selfish ends."</p> + +<p>"Is it not written," said Demos, "him that taketh thy cloak forbid not +to take thy coat also?"</p> + +<p>"That neither sanctions nor justifies the confiscation," replied the +High Priest. "Is it not also written that the things belonging to Cæsar +shall be given to Cæsar?"</p> + +<p>"But who is Cæsar?" cried Demos. "I am no longer a boy now, to be petted +and cajoled, and to be bought over by sweetmeats or a piece of cake. I +have a freeman's limbs, give me then a freeman's rights."</p> + +<p>It is not to be supposed that on so great an occasion the Buccaneer's +old coxswain, Jack Commonsense, was going to remain silent, so he said, +as he shoved himself to the front, for he had lost his place in the +confusion brought about by the act of robbery on the part of one of +Poverty's children. "Master!" he cried, "I am on in this scene. What +rights, my lad," he said addressing Demos, "do you claim that you have +not got, except the right of putting your hands into other people's +pockets; just because your own happen to be empty or not too full? This +is a robbing of Peter to pay Paul, with a vengeance."</p> + +<p>"Who are you," said Demos, "that you should make yourself a judge over +us?"</p> + +<p>"Who am I?" quoth the coxswain. "Who am I, forsooth! It is a pity, my +lad, you should have to ask the question; but there; memories the likes +o' yours are always short; who am I, indeed! why I am Jack Commonsense, +very much at your service, my lad, and cox'sn to the honest rover." +Suddenly correcting himself, he said, as he lifted his tarpaulin in +token of respect, "that is to say, Sea King, that ever ploughed the +briny ocean. I have stood by my master, my lad, in fair weather and in +foul, and when the stormy winds have blown, and the dark rocks and +savage cliffs of danger have been upon our lee, oftentimes I have seized +the helm and steered my master clear, and damme, if I will desert him +now. Now listen, my lad, and all you whom it may concern, while I spin +you a yarn that I picked up on the Spanish Main, ages ago. We picked up +many things there, master, did we not? Dubloons and other treasures. But +here's my yarn. Once upon a time, a man had five sons, and when he was +dying he called them round him, and gave to each a fair share of his +property, and told them to act to each other as he had acted towards +them, and to have all things in common amongst themselves. But one, my +lad, so the story goes, d'ye see, was a spendthrift, another was a wine +bibber, while another was a glutton; the fourth was a seeker after +pleasure, while the fifth was a hard working industrious and sober man. +The four first named would do anything but work, and they each gave away +their birthright to the fifth; the one for this thing, according to his +want, the other for that, until at length the fifth son had possession +of the whole patrimony; would you, my lad, were you in his place, +divide, and go on dividing amongst your ne'er-do-well brothers to all +eternity? Not you, or you are a greater fool than I take you to be. +Where then is your community of property? Then as to your equality. That +won't wash, my mates. There is no such thing as equality, for one is +strong, another weak; one is swift of foot, another slow, while one has +more brains than another. Why the hides of asses ain't all of a +thickness, and the stick that reaches one, won't touch another; but let +that fly stick to the wall, even among thieves and such like vermin, +there is no equality, the strongest always getting the lion's share. +Take all our master has, and lay it out before you; feast your eyes upon +it; gloat over it, and then begin to divide it equally amongst +yourselves, and you will be at each other's throats before you know +where you are; so much for your brotherly love. Then, my mates, before +you commence pulling down, you ought to decide upon what sort of a +commonplace hovel you are going to build up. But the first thing you +ought to do, is to turn out all the blackguards belonging to our +neighbours, for we have enough of our own, and whatever right you think +you may have to other people's property, foreign rapscallions can have +none, and if you allow them to cry shares, you will be robbing your own +honest selves. Trade will languish and die out, for there will be no +security for earnings, and no emulation. Ambition, that mighty lever to +human actions, will succumb. Farewell too, to art; and science even +will flag for want of nourishment. As luxury is to be banished in our +earthly paradise, all carriages will be put down, and all the hands +employed in connection with them, will be thrown upon the market. The +horses will have to be turned out to grass, and live a life of indolent +ease, until they vanish from the land or are turned to a different use, +for nature has decreed that nothing useless shall last. The vanities and +even the luxuries of the rich furnish thousands of deserving mouths with +their daily food; but all this will have to be stopped, and God alone +knows who will benefit. Then I suppose you will occupy the palaces of +the rich, as long as they stand, by people of one common level of social +standing, and we shall sink into a nation of flats. Let that fly also +stick to the wall. Then as no new mansions will be built, for want of +wealth, the builders' trade will suffer, and more idle hands will be +thrown on the community. Enterprise will die and one trade after another +will go, and then farewell to all. The great Sea King upon whose vast +empire the sun never sets; the mighty trader, the great pioneer of +civilisation; he whose footprints are to be seen in every part of the +universe will sink, unremembered unrespected, and unregretted into the +silent tomb of the past and some stronger, and wiser people will take +his place.</p> + +<p>"Master!" cried the cox'sn turning to the bold Buccaneer, who listened +with wonder to old Jack's long-winded harangue. "Master!" he cried, +"this Demos is but a boy amongst us yet; he is a young colt that must be +neatly bitted and ridden on the curb, or he will of a surety bolt and +fling his rider into the ditch as his forebears have done before him."</p> + +<p>Just as things were looking at their worst, the sound of music came over +the water from the old Ship of State. It was Pepper, the cheery little +cook, the foster father of Demos, playing a tune upon his barrel organ. +The strains had a mellowing and soothing influence upon the whole +company, and so what at one time bid fair to take a serious turn passed +off quietly, and so ends the longest if not the dullest chapter in this +eventful history.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXVIII" id="CHAPTER_XXXVIII"></a>CHAPTER XXXVIII.</h2> + + +<p>The event recorded in the last chapter brought the grand court to a +somewhat premature but fortunate conclusion. Though many grievances were +made known, it is not recorded that a single one was remedied or +redressed, and this perhaps was quite according to precedent.</p> + +<p>Dogvane did not see the grand court out; but for reasons of his own, he +slipped away and hastened on board of the old Ship of State, where also +he found most of his watch; for as the saying is, they seemed to have +smelt a rat. He called his merry men on deck. "Mates," he said, "my +glass is falling; so likely enough we shall have a strong breeze blowing +off shore before long, therefore haul all taught, make all snug, and +look out for squalls."</p> + +<p>The doughty cook now spoke up, like the bold and clever man that he was. +"Captain," he said, "if so be that we are going to have foul weather, +why not lighten the ship at once? Chuck over board a couple of dukes, or +a brace of earls, or a score or so of common ordinary lords, and the old +ship will ride through the storm all the better." It was wonderful, what +a dislike Pepper had for the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber, and the people +said there must be more in it than appeared on the face of things. +Nothing the cook would have liked better than to have pickled the whole +lot, when the brine would not have been wanting in strength; Billy +Cheeks the burly butcher would no doubt have done all the preliminary +business with pleasure, for he also had his eye upon the Buccaneer's +bloated aristocracy. All this was very strange, for Billy, it was said, +had the very best of blood in his veins.</p> + +<p>Many thought that beneath the modest bearing of the cook, there lurked +a great ambition, which was no other than to put on old Dogvane's cloak, +boots, and collars when nature called that worthy old salt away.</p> + +<p>When the cook suggested the lightening of the old ship, Chips the +carpenter raised his axe and took up a position beside the hawser that +bound the Church Hulk to the Ship of State. The butcher also drew his +large knife and felt its edge, for he had quite regained his nerves, and +was ready for anything. Old Dogvane smiled approvingly upon their ready +zeal; but said, "Steady, my lads, steady. All in good time. No occasion +to jettison any of our cargo yet, however useless it may be. You, Billy, +who have some smattering of legal knowledge, can explain the meaning of +the term. But again, my lads, I ask you, how you came to set that old +church drum a beating? The solemn sound as you know will at all times +awaken the slumbering feelings of our master. Besides, I myself am +considerably affected by it. I should not see that old craft cut adrift +without a pang. But see what it has done. It has thoroughly roused our +master, and it has raised more devils than we probably shall be able to +lay. It's ill to waken sleeping dogs, so says the proverb. The old +Squire too is on the tramp, and our master is now for poking his nose +into everything. The paint brush, my lads, the paint brush, is at most +times better than either the hammer, or the chisel. No offence to your +mate, Master Chips." It now came out that Chisel was still ashore, and +absent without leave, and many thought he would not come out of it with +anything less than a general court martial.</p> + +<p>The carpenter now showed a spirit of mutiny that surprised all, and +shocked both the cook and the butcher, his, at one time, friends.</p> + +<p>"Captain!" he exclaimed, "I've served with you now for many a day, and +I've served you well; but the time has come when every honest man should +speak his mind. It is all very well for you to put all the blame upon +our backs, but let every one bear his own burden. Why did you try the +old dodge of throwing dust in our master's eyes? You know he is getting +quite accustomed to that sort of thing and can see through it. Why did +you tell him all those cock-and-bull stories about contentment, and all +that kind of stuff, and induce the old gentleman to hold the Grand +Court? Then why did you take him abroad? This it is that has raised all +the dust."</p> + +<p>"Well, Chips, my lad," cried the old captain, as he dashed a tear from +his eye. "This comes hard, very hard from you. For you to turn upon me, +cuts me to the very quick. Under the shadow of my wing, you have risen +from a low position on board this old craft, to one of great +consideration. There was much more in store for you, for I might, in +time, have persuaded my master to make either a general or an admiral of +you, or you may indeed have risen to be steward of his household. Only +that I have a son myself who is the joy of my old age, and the very +apple of my eye, and more to me than ever Joseph was to Jacob, it is +possible that when I pass away my cloak would have fallen upon your +shoulders."</p> + +<p>The cook gave the butcher a look and the butcher's breathing became +laboured under the weight of suppressed feeling. Old Dogvane continued +his address to the carpenter: "Why did I throw dust in the old man's +eyes? I am surprised that such a clever lad as you should ask such a +simple question. Is it not a time-honoured custom? Have not both the +watches done it for ages past? The only error I made was that the dust +was not thick enough, and the old man saw through it, and there lies my +mistake."</p> + +<p>The carpenter was going to answer the captain, for his mutinous spirit +was getting the better of him, but the cook seized the carpenter and led +him away.</p> + +<p>Presently the old Buccaneer was seen slowly walking down to the beach +and he was pestered on every side by a swarm of cheap-Jacks of every +nation. They hung about him, and as the saying is, they nearly bothered +the life out of him. The poor old gentleman seemed to have suffered +considerably from recent events, and the sickness of his heart was +beginning to pray upon his body. With feeble steps he laboured along and +hailed the old Ship of State, but his voice wanted the cheery ring of +old.</p> + +<p>"Away with you, my lads," cried Dogvane, who heard the Buccaneer's call. +"Clear the decks, and each one to his post. Away, and leave the matter +in my hands. I will below and look over the chart of public affairs and +I will shape a course that will take us out of our difficulties or my +name is not William Dogvane. I see the old gentleman has not his +busy-body of a coxswain with him, so much the better for my plan. I +never could hit it off with that party. Away, my lads, to your posts."</p> + +<p>Each one did as he was told, though the carpenter grumbled; but the cook +said to him: "Since when, my mate, have you learnt to change your tune?"</p> + +<p>"That barrel organ of yours, Master Pepper, may grind away at the same +old tune for ever for all I care; but I have my sticking point," said +the carpenter. "At any rate I don't shilly-shally about things like old +Dogvane does; but I speak out my mind like every honest man should; and +look you, my little Pepper, I'm not going to be monkey-led by any man."</p> + +<p>"Say you so," replied the cook. "That is a pity; I want a monkey for my +organ, and no doubt, you would dance as well as any other."</p> + +<p>"Not to your piping, my lad, so stow that. There is a time for all +things, Master Pepper. Your jokes and jests are well enough upon a full +stomach of contentment, but now they sound flat and feeble. Were I a man +easily moved to mirth I might laugh perhaps to-morrow. Look you now! If +our little game had come off old William would have been with us heart +and soul and then the old fox would have set all sail before a full +blast of public opinion, and have taken all credit to himself. But let +the wind be doubtful, and he is for ever trimming as if his ship were in +a constant sea of doldrums; and what is more, Pepper, he is not above +flinging a messmate overboard if it suits his purpose. I'm weary, my +lad, of the company I am sailing in."</p> + +<p>"Ship of State ahoy!" came from the shore, and interrupted the +carpenter's grumblings. A slight breeze came off the land and shook the +shrouds. "Make all taught," cried old Dogvane, "and pipe the pinnace +away. I see the cox'sn has put in an appearance after all. I wonder what +the devil he wants. I begin to think he is an office-seeker and a +place-hunter like the rest of the world." Having said this, Dogvane +disappeared below.</p> + +<p>Presently the old Buccaneer appeared on board. Not a soul was to be +seen. "What!" he cried; "no one on deck. What ho! below there!"</p> + +<p>No answer came. He passed by the cook's galley as he went to take a look +forward. The cook could be heard reading out the following receipt: +"Take one reputation of good social position and pull well to pieces, +add one pound of garbage, two ounces of gall and one quart of vinegar, +season well with salt and pepper, stew, stir and skim, and serve up when +ready."</p> + +<p>"A savoury dish that, Master Jack," said the Buccaneer to his coxswain, +who replied that at such things the cook of the Starboard Watch had not +an equal, and at a dish of scandal he could scarcely be beaten. The +Buccaneer, having taken a turn round, came to the after part of the +ship, and there he saw old Dogvane with his head just above the after +companionway. "Who calls?" he asked in the most innocent manner +possible.</p> + +<p>"Who calls!" cried the Buccaneer, "and is this the way you look after my +affairs? not a soul on deck!"</p> + +<p>"Not a soul on deck, sir!" exclaimed Dogvane, in surprise; "then +everyone must of a certainty be below." By this time many of the crew +had put in an appearance and were busy working away at their respective +duties. Chips, having got the better of his fit of ill temper, sang as +he worked the following song:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"My mate is ashore in tow of a lass,<br /></span> +<span class="i8">Cock-a-doodle,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A right clever fellow turned into an ass,<br /></span> +<span class="i8">Cock-a-doodle,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He's tied by the leg with a petticoat string,<br /></span> +<span class="i8">Cock-a-doodle,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And never again will his cheery voice sing,<br /></span> +<span class="i8">Cock-a-doodle."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>The look-out man aloft being awakened, no doubt, by the voice of the +carpenter, sang out: "All's well." This was official, and Dogvane looked +upon it as a good sign. "Your ever watchful man aloft, sir, tells you +that all is well; we must perforce believe him, for he is a creditable +witness."</p> + +<p>"All's well, indeed!" exclaimed the Buccaneer. "What do you mean by +telling me that all is well? Are you, Master Dogvane, a knave or a fool; +or do you take me to be either the one or the other?"</p> + +<p>"God forbid, sir, that I should make so grievous a mistake," replied +Dogvane, with humility.</p> + +<p>"What did you mean by telling me that my foreign relations were all +good, and that my people at home were prosperous and contented?"</p> + +<p>"Did I say so much, master? It is on my memory that I did not go so far; +I may have said that they ought to be contented. There lies the +difference."</p> + +<p>"Why, there is not a profession or trade, or even class that is not +crying out. My very women are rising in open rebellion. What say you to +this?"</p> + +<p>"It is passing strange, sir, and only adds one more proof, if it were +necessary, of the extreme ingratitude of human nature. There is scarce a +thing that we do not take into consideration, and so great is our +concern for your welfare that we try to legislate for all your simplest +needs, and in time we hope that everything will work with clock-like +regularity, and if a man gets drunk even, it shall be by Act of +Parliament."</p> + +<p>"Pray, sir," asked the Buccaneer, "what business had you below on such +an occasion as this?"</p> + +<p>"Sir," Dogvane replied, "I was occupied with matters of the gravest +importance; something that touches closely upon my master's honour. +Master, master," he suddenly cried in an ecstasy of delight, "what think +you? I have glorious news; glorious news for you."</p> + +<p>"Glorious news! then out with it, man, for I need something to raise my +spirits."</p> + +<p>"Sir," cried Dogvane, rubbing his hands with glee. "What think you; I +have a concession."</p> + +<p>"A concession, man! A concession! that is news indeed. Do you hear, +Jack, our honest Dogvane has a concession." The old cox'sn kept his +silence; but the Buccaneer was highly pleased for it was now more his +custom to grant concessions than to receive them. There was scarcely a +neighbour, or foreign relation, no matter however small, who had not got +something out of the old man in recent years. At one time he used to +thrash his enemy first, and then grant him a concession perhaps, +afterwards, and this line of action had its advantages, and in the +long-run saved very much time, trouble, bloodshed, and money. The news +of the concession brought back the blood to the old Buccaneer's jolly +round face, which regularly beamed with enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>"Ah! Dogvane," he said, "after all you have served me well, and no +matter how you may be reviled you have proved yourself a faithful +servant. And so you have a concession!" Then an idea seemed suddenly to +strike him, for turning an anxious look upon old Dogvane, he exclaimed, +"Stay! Is it a good concession; one worthy of a Sea King? It is not from +the Calf of Man is it?" Dogvane shook his head. "Nor from either Jersey, +Guernsey, Alderney, or Sark?" Dogvane again shook his head. "Has the +Egyptian gipsy sent an apology and withdrawn her curse?"</p> + +<p>"My master is wide of the mark," said Dogvane with a smile of +satisfaction.</p> + +<p>"Well, if the concession comes from neither of these quarters, Master +Dogvane, I know not where to look. Stay though. Have the Ojabberaways +sent an apology for all their abusive language and unseemly conduct?"</p> + +<p>"Not within striking distance yet, sir. Some time since, my master, you +were anxious to show our trusty friend here, Jack Commonsense, some mark +of your great favour. The matter is not without its difficulties; but +still it may be accomplished. Now, if your trusty cox'sn, who is an +excellent sailor, no doubt, though deemed for some unknown reason +common, has any royal blood in his veins, we can with the stroke of a +pen make either an Admiral of him, or a Field-Marshal, or even a Bishop. +Then again, if he were only a rich brewer, or a successful trader of any +description, or a supporter through thick and thin of our Starboard +Watch, we could at once make him a lord of high degree."</p> + +<p>"What has this to do, Master Dogvane, with the concession? Why, in the +devil's name, do you torment me? Have concessions been of such frequent +occurrence in recent years that I can thus afford to dally with them? +Speak out, or I will drag that unruly tongue of yours from its roots."</p> + +<p>Dogvane, seeing that further trifling would be dangerous, said, "Do you +remember, sir, that little dispute we had with the great Bandit of the +East upon a small matter of a boundary?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, I remember, go on."</p> + +<p>"And no doubt you also remember my extreme regret that we had not with +us that energetic young wasp, Random Jack, so that we might have either +bumped him on the boundary, or whipped him on the breech."</p> + +<p>"What has all this to do with it? Your enemies say that you are little +better than a wind-bag, and I verily believe they are not far wrong. Has +the Eastern Bandit made a concession? Come, yea or nay."</p> + +<p>"No other."</p> + +<p>"Honest Dogvane, your hand. This is indeed glorious news. So you have +brought the mighty Bruin to his senses, and he has knuckled down to the +Lion. But go on, Dogvane, the concession."</p> + +<p>"If you remember, sir, we placed the matter in the hands of our faithful +friend and ally, King Hokeepokeewonkeefum, his august majesty of the +Cannibal Islands."</p> + +<p>"I remember, man; but that part of the transaction does not give me the +satisfaction that perhaps it ought. The concession."</p> + +<p>"Still the same old prejudice against colour? but no matter. As—"</p> + +<p>"What the devil is in the man! Are we never coming to the concession? +Where is this concession? Out with it, or, by my soul, I will lay my +stick across your back."</p> + +<p>Dogvane was between two stools; he feared to trifle with his master any +longer, and he feared to make known the concession. Though no one could +humbug the old Buccaneer like Dogvane, even he could not go too far, and +he had now come to the length of his tether.</p> + +<p>"Sir," said Dogvane, "we have gained a great diplomatic victory." +Directly the Buccaneer heard the nature of the triumph his face fell.</p> + +<p>Dogvane came cautiously to the subject again. "With the aid of King +Hokee I have settled your dispute without spilling one drop of Christian +blood."</p> + +<p>"Tell me, man, at once!" cried the Buccaneer, as he raised his stick +above his head, "has the Eastern Bandit made honourable amends?"</p> + +<p>"He has, sir," replied Dogvane. "He has indeed done all we can in reason +expect. The Bandit, though a Christian, is a proud man; and it is not +acting generously to humble any man too much."</p> + +<p>"Master Dogvane, I too am a Christian, and I have my pride as well as +the Eastern Bandit."</p> + +<p>"You, sir, are the leader of the Christian world, and as such should set +a good example. I did not say, my master, that pride was a Christian +virtue, though far too many Christians wear it as their everyday dress. +Pride, indeed, is the worst of sins, and through it Satan himself fell. +My master is great and noble, and all powerful; he can therefore afford +to be magnanimous. Bearing this in mind I made peace when you had been +beaten three times in the open. Few other nations, and few other men, +would have done this; certainly not the great Bandit of the East. Would +your other watch have had the courage to do it?"</p> + +<p>Thus did the cunning Dogvane run on, still evading the point of all +interest. But his master's patience was now completely exhausted, and he +brought his stick across the captain's back.</p> + +<p>"Softly, master," cried Dogvane, as he winced under the blow, "my coat +needs no dusting. The point is at hand. I have agreed, or arranged, or +it may be that I have entered into a sacred covenant with the great +Bandit of the East, that for certain considerations, hereafter to be +settled and defined, you shall black his boots."</p> + +<p>"Black his boots!" cried the Buccaneer in amazement, "and is this your +concession, fellow?"</p> + +<p>"Stay, stay, sir, not so fast," replied Dogvane. "Make haste is no doubt +a very good horse, but hold hard is a better. We have not come to the +concession yet. That stick is mighty hard. Stay, sir! I am coming to it. +It is this. In consideration for past favours, and to promote a good +understanding between you both, the Eastern Bandit graciously +condescends to find his own blacking."</p> + +<p>"The devil he does," exclaimed the Buccaneer, as his eyes opened wide +with astonishment. "What concession is there in that, pray?"</p> + +<p>"A very great one, sir, considering the size of the Bandit's boots, it +is little less than enormous. You might, sir, had it not been for +diplomacy, have been obliged to provide your own blacking. To get the +Bandit to concede this cost no end of trouble. One ambassador was quite +broken down, and several minor diplomatic officials have been rendered +quite useless for the remainder of their lives. Their minds having quite +given way, and they are left little better than babbling idiots, and +every boot they see they persist in blacking."</p> + +<p>The bold Buccaneer that once was, the great Sea King, the mighty trader, +was struck for a few moments completely dumb. Indeed Dogvane's +concession seemed to have benumbed his brain. His old coxswain, who had +kept a respectful silence during this long-winded palaver, now spoke, +having first of all cleared his decks, as he called it. "Master +Dogvane!" he cried, "the man who stoops to black a boot, will in all +probability be kicked by it before the job is finished."</p> + +<p>"Who asked you to put your spoke into the wheel?" Dogvane said in an +under tone, and then added aloud: "I've been thinking, sir, that we +might promote our honest friend here to some sinecure, where he will for +the rest of his days have little work and plenty of pay. We have many +such posts at our command, but strange to say, they are all full at +present. The keeper of the Imperial Hat is a duke; the emolument is +barely a thousand a year, but the honour is great and is much coveted. +Then there is the custodian of our master's night cap, that is held by +one who has royal blood in his veins, and he cannot be sent home, or +about his business."</p> + +<p>Dogvane's list of high offices was brought to an abrupt conclusion by +the sudden awakening of the Buccaneer, who seemed to be possessed with a +spark of his old fire. His wrath burst upon Dogvane like an angry gust +of wind. "Out of my sight," he cried, as he again raised his stick. Now +the keeper of the Buccaneer's stick was another high official, who drew +a goodly income for doing so. Dogvane, in his mind, determined that this +officer should be at once replaced by one who took better care of his +business. He thought, and perhaps rightly, that on such an occasion as +the present, the stick should either have been mislaid or sent to be +polished, or otherwise repaired. "Out of my sight!" cried the Buccaneer, +as he brought his stick down heavily upon old Dogvane's back. "Begone +thou veritable wind bag. Do you wish to thrust me down on my knees +before all the world? It was not by eating humble pie, fellow, that I +have grown to what I am. Get thee hence ere I break every bone in thy +body; thou weigher of scruples, thou splitter of straws. Where now is +all that money I gave thee over this affair with the Bandit?"</p> + +<p>"Master! master!" cried Dogvane as he cowered beneath the anger of the +old Sea King, and fell down on his knees before him. "Be not hard upon +your servant. Have I not served you faithfully these many long years? +When I had charge of your till did you not make more money than ever you +have since? Did not your pence grow into shillings, and your shillings +into pounds? Have not my eyes grown dim, and my hair sparse and grey, in +your service? Then bear with me a little while."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer was slightly mollified. "Ah!" he said, "like many another +old servant, you trade, Master Dogvane, upon the past, and think that +your master will bear any amount of carelessness and bungling now for +the sake of what has been done before. If in days gone by you made money +for me, you have taken very good care to squander it since. But there +must be a limit to the endurance even of the best of masters. Have you +not dishonoured me in the eyes of my neighbours? Is your memory so short +that you have forgotten their reception of me? Have you forgotten the +scorn of some? the indifference of others? Have you forgotten the +revilings of the Egyptian gipsy? Have you not estranged my friends from +me and made me a must elephant of the herd, to wander out into the +wilderness? Through you is not the charge laid against me that I have +turned my back upon my enemies, and have you not so lowered me in the +estimation of my neighbours, that the smallest dog amongst them barks at +me?"</p> + +<p>"Master—"</p> + +<p>"Stay, fellow! I have not finished with you yet. While you prated about +economy and peace you have run me deep into debt; while the wake of the +old Ship of State, during the time you have been at the helm, has been +constantly smeared with blood."</p> + +<p>"Good master, the blood rests not upon my head, but upon that of the +other watch. All the trouble that I have got into has been owing to the +dreadful inheritance they left me."</p> + +<p>"That, Master Dogvane, is too stale a cry to be readily believed. It is +an old trick, and not altogether a reputable one, for one servant to try +and saddle another with the fruits of his own stupidity, or +carelessness. But where is that eleven millions I gave you for a certain +purpose?"</p> + +<p>"Good master, it is true that I have a little outrun the constable; but +I have had to recompense Abdur for the damage done, and I have had to +buy his friendship. Then the stupendous preparations I made were costly, +and though there may not be very much to show for the money, yet no +doubt a bloody war was averted, many lives saved, and in the long run, +much money."</p> + +<p>"A war averted, Master Dogvane, I have been told, is only a war +postponed, and that when once put off it generally comes at a most +inconvenient time, and is likely to prove most costly. To strike +promptly and hard, experience has proved to be the better plan, and the +cheapest both in men and money. Begone from my sight, fellow, for I +begin to know thee. I may be slow to anger, but when once roused, those +who displease me had better beware of me."</p> + +<p>Thus it was that old Dogvane, the captain of the Starboard Watch, fell +under his master's displeasure. As is always the case directly fortune +begins to frown on a man, his enemies crop up by the scores in every +direction, and all add a little to the victim's shortcomings, memories +for which are long. It is a noble idea that of not kicking a man when he +is down; but it seems to be honoured well in the breach. Once let a man +trip and he is spared by few. It seems to be a law of nature to attack +the wounded. The birds of the air do it and the beasts of the field, and +the savage drives his spear into his wounded enemy. Civilisation uses +other weapons than the steel-tipped ones; but they are none the less +keen and effectual, for a wounded spirit often gets the sharp shaft of +scorn sent clean through it. There is no mark of violence on the body, +but there is a wound within that never heals.</p> + +<p>Things went from bad to worse with old Dogvane until one day he and his +watch were kicked, without ceremony, over the ship's side. What brought +the final catastrophe about was that Dogvane very unwisely, or some of +his hands, tried to tamper with the old Buccaneer's drink. Touch him on +his stomach and you made an enemy of him at once. Chips no longer sang, +and Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher, was more gloomy than ever. He was +not a man of mirth. Even his jokes were heavy, but perhaps his trade +affected his disposition; it often does. The cheery little cook never +lost heart, and as they rowed ashore he gave them a tune on his barrel +organ, and gave them a song in which he ridiculed the prominent men of +the other watch, and, as a matter of course, the members of the +Buccaneer's Upper Chamber came in for their fair share of good-natured +criticism or abuse. As has been said, no one saw a blemish in a +neighbour sooner than the cook, and if that neighbour happened to be one +of the lords temporal, Pepper prodded him well with jeer, jest, and +sneer.</p> + +<p>As Dogvane and his mess-mates rowed ashore in disgrace, several heads +appeared looking over the bulwarks of the after part of the old ship. +These were the occupants of the Upper Chamber, who crawled from their +state room like rats from their holes, when the cat is away. The old +Church Hulk seemed to awake as from a deep slumber, and presently a hymn +of praise and of thanksgiving rose up and was borne upon the breeze all +over the Buccaneer's island, and the hearts of all the great Church +dignitaries and their many followers rejoiced that the Lord had for the +time being saved them from the hands of the Philistines; or in other +words from Pepper, and Billy Cheeks. All on board the old Church Hulk, +and very many others amongst the Buccaneer's people, fully believed that +if once the moorings of the old Hulk were slipped and she was allowed to +drift away from the Ship of State, the days of the Buccaneer would be +surely numbered. Respectability declared that she could never then go to +church, for that she certainly could not listen to a priest, who, no +matter however good a Christian he might be, was not a gentleman, for it +must be known that all Christians of the various other denominations +outside the old Church Hulk, were scarcely deemed to belong to that +extremely rare and privileged class.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXXIX" id="CHAPTER_XXXIX"></a>CHAPTER XXXIX.</h2> + + +<p>As the Starboard went ashore the Port Watch came on board, all with +their new brooms. There was the Captain, Bob Mainstay, by name, and his +first Lieutenant, Ben Backstay, a good sailor and true. There was also a +full compliment of other officers and men. Amongst the rest there was +the cheery little midshipman, Random Jack, who was now on the eve of his +promotion. It was wonderful how this little fellow had pushed himself to +the front.</p> + +<p>Wonders, it is known, never cease; but it was a strange sight to see the +Port Watch rowed on board by Ojabberaway boatmen. When the +weather-beaten old captain of the other watch saw this he smiled in a +manner that was peculiar to him and said: "That won't last!" Then, as if +speaking to himself, he added, "I wonder now, what was their price. +Humph! there is nothing that Bob Mainstay can either promise, or give, +that I cannot go beyond. Unless indeed, he and his crew chuck overboard +all their principles. Ah! there's the rub. Principles and politics don't +always pull together, and politics often, being the stronger of the two, +pulls principles round with a bang."</p> + +<p>Now there was an animated discussion all along the hard and amongst the +Press, as to whether or not the Port Watch had been rowed on board by +the Ojabberaways. Many were prepared to swear that it was so; that there +could be no mistake about the matter. Others declared it was one of +those optical delusions which are for ever happening to surprise and +mystify people. Those who see the supernatural in almost everything, +declared that this was merely a deception brought about by the devil. +The Buccaneer's people were ready to believe almost anything just +according to the party they belonged to, or the principles they +professed. Indeed their credulity was so great in most things that the +cunning rogue frequently reaped a rich harvest out of them. Astrologers +were all dead, but the people, some of them, still dabbled in magic and +believed in spiritualism.</p> + +<p>Before the Port Watch left the shore they promised to do no end of +things and their parting with the poor Beggar Woman, Patriotism, was +most affecting. They said that so long as they had charge of the old +Ship she should want for nothing. In fact everybody was to be made happy +and like the ending of all good books, and works of fiction, virtue on +all sides was to be rewarded. But the atmosphere of that old Ship +clouded the best of memories. Besides, every one knows that promises are +quite as cumbersome baggage as a conscience, and all those who wish to +get on in the world must unload themselves of the one, as readily as +they do of the other.</p> + +<p>Many of the crew of the Ship of State kept their consciences on board of +the old Hulk alongside, where they were cleaned and repaired and sent +for when wanted.</p> + +<p>The daily press having had their usual battle, settled down to dictate +to the watch in charge what they had to do and what they had not to do. +Indirectly it pretty well ruled the roost; told the captain what man he +was to put here, and what man there; but Captain Mainstay filled up his +different posts according to his own way of thinking, always bearing in +view, of course, the Buccaneer's cherished custom. All this took some +little time, for you cannot get things to fit on such principles all of +a sudden. Accidents will happen, and chance will occasionally put a +square man into a square hole and then he has with much difficulty to be +pulled out and a round hole found for him.</p> + +<p>New brooms invariably sweep clean and the Port Watch set themselves to +work to clean up the mess left behind by old Dogvane and his lot. No one +kicked up more dust than did the, at one time, little middy, who for his +good behaviour was made steward of the household of the Buccaneer's +Indian Princess. It was his duty to watch over her; to guard her against +her enemies and especially to keep an eye upon the wicked Bandit of the +East.</p> + +<p>They all agreed for once, and declared that old Dogvane had left things +in a terrible state of muddle, and they were unanimous in the belief +that they had only stepped on board just in the nick of time to save the +old Buccaneer from complete ruin; but this belief was also common to the +other watch when they took charge. The cook's galley they said was in a +shocking state and full of nothing but cheese parings; while he had +scribbled all over the place, "the Upper Chamber must be destroyed." All +people have their peculiarities, their whims and their fancies, and the +clever little cook was not without his.</p> + +<p>When the cook reached the shore, he went about with his barrel organ and +sang songs about the iniquities of the other watch; of their indecent +haste to get on board the old Ship and grab the emoluments attached to +the several offices. The cook being placed in easy circumstances, by the +profits he received from his barrel organ, could afford to be virtuously +indignant.</p> + +<p>Scarcely had the Port Watch settled down to their work than things went +wrong with them. They did not in shaping their course make due allowance +for the current of Public opinion, which at times set very strong, and +the old Ship of State got into difficulties. Over the ship's side they +went as quickly as they had climbed on board and the helm was again +placed in the hands of that experienced old salt, William Dogvane, who +was, however, requested by the Buccaneer to keep his weather eye open, +for that if he caught him again napping it would be the worse for him.</p> + +<p>"Master," said the captain, "it is no use your putting me on board this +old ship unless you give me powers sufficient to keep the wild and +mutinous Ojabberaways in order. They are simply playing the very devil."</p> + +<p>This to the Buccaneer was a hopeful sign, for Dogvane had always been +accused of sympathizing with this people and indeed of playing into +their hands. With Dogvane came the conspirators of the cook's caboose. +They still held together, though the carpenter was drifting away from +his old comrades, into a purer and brighter atmosphere. The cook was +like that pattern sailor, Billy Taylor, full of mirth and full of glee.</p> + +<p>One fine morning the whole of the Buccaneer's island was awakened by a +great hubbub on board of the old Ship. The Church Hulk was slumbering in +a peaceful repose after her recent rude shaking. She had again settled +down to her usual state.</p> + +<p>Notwithstanding what old Dogvane had said to the contrary he soon began +intriguing with the Ojabberaways and he made a rapid shift, coming to +the conclusion that nothing would make the Ojabberaways eternally happy, +but to give them everything they wanted. He said the old Ship thus +lightened would ride easily ever afterwards. The cook, however, true to +his hobby, said that it would be a great pity to waste the Ojabberaways +when there was the whole of the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber weighing the +old Ship down by the stern, and generally retarding her progress, and +interfering considerably with her steering.</p> + +<p>Things looked very bad, and Random Jack who was ashore was most +eloquent, and declared for his part he should never be surprised to see +a flare up on board the old Ship, when, no doubt, honest sailors would +come by their dues. The noise upon the Ship of State roused up the crew +of the ship alongside, for if there was to be a mutiny, or any thing of +that kind going on, they felt sure they would be boarded, robbed, and +cast adrift.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XL" id="CHAPTER_XL"></a>CHAPTER XL.</h2> + + +<p>Just as people had conjectured; there was a mutiny on board the old +ship, and amongst the Starboard Watch which old Dogvane had allowed to +get a little out of hand.</p> + +<p>Even the conspirators of the cook's caboose were torn asunder, and the +hand of the cook wished to grapple round the throat of the carpenter. +The cook abused poor Chips right merrily, and called him every name +under the sun, and would allow him no virtue, and very little +intelligence. Pepper, with Billy Cheeks the burly butcher, stuck to +their captain with an affection that was pleasant to see, and there +could not be a doubt that if all went well with the captain, these two +would be amply rewarded for their fidelity. But the cabal of the cook's +caboose was completely broken up.</p> + +<p>The carpenter now behaved in a manner that did him very great credit, +and surprised not a few. He turned his back upon the cook and the +butcher, and this so displeased them that they never after had a good +word to say for him.</p> + +<p>It is most fortunate that this mutiny, unlike most other mutinies, was +unattended with any bloodshed or loss of life, and of course, this being +the case, it lost very much of its interest. Neither was the old Ship of +State scuttled and then run on shore, robbed, plundered, and abandoned. +Nor did the crew fall upon each other in the division of the plunder, +cutting each other's throats and otherwise conducting themselves as is +usual on such occasions, though it must be said that the Ojabberaways +excited fear in many a breast.</p> + +<p>How long the idea of freeing this people had been a quiet occupant of +old Dogvane's breast, smouldering there as such things generally do, it +is impossible to say. He was sphinxlike and could not be read. Nor was +it at all easy to tell which way he would go, or what he would do; for +he at all times made what is said to be the true and proper use of +language, namely to disguise his thoughts. He also found it a most +useful means of either screening an advance into an unknown, and +unfriendly country, and also to cover his retreat when beaten. The +upshot of the mutiny in the Starboard Watch was, that one fine morning +our old Buccaneer woke up to find that Dogvane, his trusted captain, in +whom he had placed so much confidence, had gone over bag and baggage to +the Ojabberaways, and that he had taken with him Pepper the cook, and +Billy Cheeks the burly butcher.</p> + +<p>The captain had apparently come to a hurried conclusion, and had risen +in the dead of night, and having hastily stowed away his sea chest, and +called to his side his beloved son, the small band deserted their old +comrades, and turned their backs upon them for ever.</p> + +<p>When all these things became noised abroad, very great was the +consternation, and it set many tongues wagging, and all kinds of things +were said. The carpenter was very much applauded even by those who at +one time had plentifully abused him; but in this world of ours nothing +lasts long; the sinner of to-day is the saint of to-morrow, and the only +thing needful is to wait. Chips, the carpenter, was now thought fit +company for the noblest in the land; no doubt, all this was most +gratifying, and if it had not been for the constant prods, that the cook +kept on giving him with his flesh fork, the prongs of which were dipped +in gall; and the occasional sarcasms hurled at him by Billy Cheeks, no +doubt Chips would have been a happy man.</p> + +<p>As is always the case on such occasions, vague rumours got about, some +of which turned out in the end to be true. It was said, upon what was +supposed to be very good authority, that Dogvane was to be crowned king +of the Ojabberaways, and all, both friends and enemies, wished him joy.</p> + +<p>There are those who go about seeking kingdoms; carpet-bag kings in fact, +but Dogvane was not one of these kind of pedlars, though if a kingdom +was thrust upon him, of course he could not help himself.</p> + +<p>It is very much to be regretted that ill-nature did not spare Captain +Dogvane; but it did not, and very many most improbable stories now got +wind. It was said, amongst other things, that every night before going +to bed, when anything had gone wrong with him in the day, that he tore +up his night shirt. The story is scarcely worthy of credence, but even +if it were true, history affords many examples of a like nature. We are +told on the most reliable authority that the Patriarchs of old whenever +they were put about invariably rent their garments, and even King David +himself, it would appear, was very much given to this practice. A king +of course can do no wrong; but amongst people of lower degree the habit +should be discountenanced, both on the score of expense, and of decency.</p> + +<p>It was also said that Pepper was to be rewarded for his fidelity to his +master by being made court jester to Dogvane, king of the Ojabberaways, +and that in addition, he was to be chancellor of the exchequer, +custodian of the Ojabberaways' morals, and a teacher to them of manners. +These offices were brought under one head for the sake of economy, and +as Pepper was an enemy to all official extravagance, this combination +pleased him. All thought he would have quite enough to do; but then +Pepper was an able man, and what to others would have been fraught with +very great difficulty, was to him a matter of ease. It is a happy thing +to be especially endowed by Providence. Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher, +was also promoted from his humble position on board the old Ship of +State, so it was said, to be minister of justice to the king of the +Ojabberaways, for he had some legal knowledge and gravity enough for a +judge, and as things were to be conducted on strictly economical +principles, he was also to preside over the Ojabberaways' High Court of +Assassination. He was to be also the keeper of the king's conscience. It +was thought that he also would have enough to do.</p> + +<p>Again did the Port Watch step on board with that jaunty and +devil-me-care air, so peculiar to sailors. Random Jack was given a +higher post even than that which he had held before; for he was made +keeper of the Till and holder of the Buccaneer's Great Purse, offices +only held by men of the most approved ability, and integrity. Many +believed that he was destined on some future day to command one of the +watches, but there seemed to be some difference of opinion as to which. +Many indeed there were who pinned their faith to Random Jack, and many +there also were who asked themselves how it was that he had thus made +his way. Some affirmed that it was by his undoubted ability, but quite +as many declared that it was by his unbounded impudence, frequently +called self-confidence. Possibly it was by a happy combination of the +above two qualities that he had been so successful. Certain it is that +no man can expect to rise to a great height unless he has a good share +of the last of the above virtues, for it is the only one that the world +truly appreciates.</p> + +<p>Of all things there is nothing like success. The middy now, instead of +being ridiculed, sneered at, and flouted, was taken up, and those who +before would have passed him by without bestowing upon him even so much +as a supercilious nod now claimed an acquaintance with him, and declared +that they had seen all along the superior stuff he was made of.</p> + +<p>Those people who know everything, and they are so many that it is little +short of a wonder that the world still keeps so uninlightened, said they +should never be surprised to find that Random Jack had entered into an +alliance with the carpenter, and obtained through him and others the +command of the Starboard Watch; but the carpenter was an ambitious man. +Upon the old cox'sn being asked his opinion about Random Jack, he gave +it, as was his custom, and according to his own fashion. "The lad is +good enough, d'ye see. He has parts, and he's got his head pointing in +the right direction; if only he has his ballast all aboard. But, my +mates, he seems a bit light at times, and does not stand up well to his +canvas, but that will come in due course; that will come when he has +trimmed his ship a bit. Then he has a knack of steering a bit wide at +times; now coming up in the eye of the wind, until he is nearly taken +aback; then veering away until he nearly wears round on the other tack, +why, his wake, my lads, is about as straight as a cork-screw. Give him +more ballast, and a steadier hand at the helm, and the lad will steer a +good course through life. Them's my sentiments, mates."</p> + +<p>But one fine day when Random Jack was sailing pleasantly along with all +plain sail set to a fair wind of public opinion, he suddenly, without +rhyme or reason, put his helm down, and everything went by the board, +and Random Jack was left a sport to the waves of Fortune, without either +sails or rudder, and it was doubtful whether he would ever again make +the fair land of Promise.</p> + +<p>But before all this a sad thing happened on board the old Ship of State. +The first lieutenant of the Port Watch, honest Ben Backstay, had, so +many people thought, been treated in a somewhat scurvy manner, not only +by the captain of the watch, but by some of his mess-mates. On one +occasion he was tripped up, it was said, by Random Jack and another, and +poor old Ben was hurt considerably, though like the brave sailor that he +was, he never uttered a word of complaint; but as a slight reward he was +kicked upstairs into the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber, thereby falling +under the displeasure of the immortal Pepper.</p> + +<p>If honest Ben had any feelings he never showed them, and of course, not +doing so they were not respected. One morning the whole ship's crew were +stricken with sorrow, for Ben, while at his post, heard Him whom all +must obey, call his name; so leaving his body below, his soul soared up +aloft. The flag of the old Ship of State was half masted, and minute +guns were fired. The bells from the church towers tolled out the +mournful news, and the Church Hulk sent up to Heaven a requiem on behalf +of poor Ben. He was a staunch friend of this old Ship, and she could ill +afford, in such perilous times, to lose even one supporter. The +Buccaneer mourned the loss of his trusty servant, and he kept a small +spot in his heart wherein to plant a few flowers of memory to honest Ben +Backstay, and as they towed him to his last moorings, the old Buccaneer +said: "Let us all hope that poor Ben Backstay, like poor Tom Bowling, +may find pleasant weather, until He who all commands, shall give to +call life's crew together the word, to pipe all hands." There was much +sorrowing in the land, and many a heart was sad.</p> + +<p>Ah! the human heart is but a grave-yard, where lie buried many hopes +that never survive even their first childhood; many ambitions cut off in +all the freshness of youth, and many friends. As we live, we bear there +from time to time, the cherished remains of someone, or of something we +love. In our lonely hours we sit by these silent graves, and shed many +warm tears of sorrow over them; wishing oftentimes, that we could bring +back the dead. Thus we sit, and sit, and mourn, and mourn, day after +day, and night after night. At length our sun sets, and our eyes grow +dim in the waning light, until at last they close forever. With us we +take our little grave-yard, with all its flowers, and bear it away into +the great darkness of eternity.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XLI" id="CHAPTER_XLI"></a>CHAPTER XLI.</h2> + + +<p>Things with the Buccaneer had so gone from bad to worse and so preyed +upon his mind that his body became affected and he was seized with +illness of a lingering kind; but the nature of his illness no one knew.</p> + +<p>Now his island was celebrated for men skilled in the treatment of every +known disease that man is heir to. Many of these men were specialists, +that is to say, they bestowed the whole of their labour and attention +upon some one particular disease, or part of the human body. Others +again were faddists, that is, they pinned their faith to some particular +course of treatment. One of these tried upon the Buccaneer total +abstinence, but he got so weak and irritable that this man was shown the +door. He went away perfectly well satisfied that the Buccaneer's life +was merely a matter of days. Another doctor was called in, who declared +he was no advocate for slops and physic. A generous, but plain diet, +with plenty of fish to strengthen the brain, the whole washed down by a +tablespoonful of whisky diluted well with water, twice a day, was all +that was required; but on no account to touch claret, which, he +declared, was little better than poison, while sherry was molten lead to +the strongest stomach. This advice was not given in the above simple +terms, for no little of the physician's skill depends upon a grave +deportment, and the use of a language altogether unintelligible to the +ordinary mind. Then when by long familiarity the understanding does +begin to grasp a name, a new denomination is found for an old complaint, +or something fresh is manufactured out of the weakness of the human +body. The above treatment was acceptable for a time; but it soon began +to pall upon one who had all his life been accustomed to good living, so +another doctor had to be tried. When this eminent man heard of the +course prescribed by his predecessor, he raised his eyebrows and smiled +in a grave and wise manner; there being no approach, however, to coarse +and vulgar mirth. "Ah!" he said, as he read over the prescription and +order of diet, "brother Grain is a very clever fellow, without doubt, +but he has his whims and fancies. Whisky he swears by, because he likes +it himself; but I confidently assert that you cannot drink anything very +much worse. A little good sound claret, not any of those mixtures, mind +you, that are made at home, but a good, pure, wholesome, sound, and not +manufactured wine. This, and a diet of game, or fowl, will bring you +relief. The nature of your disease is to be explained simply thus: +Imperfect mastication and a slight weakness of the salivary glands not +bringing about a healthy deglutition there is in consequence a +corresponding loss of chymification, followed by imperfect +chylification, and thus the food is not properly acted upon before it +passes through the pyloric opening into the duodenum. Having had the +above explained to you in this simple and unpedantic manner, you will, +no doubt, my dear sir, feel very much more at ease." Having thus +delivered himself, the doctor took both his fee and his departure.</p> + +<p>How sad it is that the poor human body cannot run through its brief span +of life, without having to carry about inside it a bottled-up disease of +some kind or other, which in time eats through the cork, or stopper, and +flows out all over the system, poisoning everything. Taking away all +sunshine, all happiness, until at length it dries up the channels of +life; not sparing either the great and rich, but attacking the mighty as +well as the lowly; not leaving alone so great a man even as our bold +Buccaneer. It is sad, but then there is a crowd waiting for us to move +on.</p> + +<p>After the faddists came the specialists. Each one of these saw in the +Buccaneer's illness some one of the symptoms of his own especial +disease. Many of these most eminent men met in consultation, and there +was a great diversity of opinion. Each of the learned physicians flew at +once to his particular part of the Buccaneer's body. One said he was +suffering from dropsy and that nothing would save him but immediate +tapping. Another said it was stone, while a third was equally sure it +was his kidneys that were affected; this happening to be at the time the +fashionable disease. The exploring needle was thrust into every part of +the patient's body, with the result that some skulking disease was said +to be at the end of it, like a base conspirator plotting at the great +man's life. They one and all agreed, however, that the patient was +suffering from plethora, brought about by a too generous diet, which so +often accompanied very great prosperity. So before they left they bled +him freely; but still he neither recovered nor did he mend.</p> + +<p>Only one set of specialists dare not approach him, and these were the +mad doctors; those who treated the human mind. So sensitive was the +Buccaneer on this point that it was extremely dangerous to mention the +subject of insanity. He allowed all his idiots and maniacs to go about +at large, and he never interfered with them until they killed some one, +or outraged society by some scandalous act of indecency. They were then +locked up to keep them from doing further injury.</p> + +<p>The old coxswain stood by his master and prevented him from being either +starved, bled, or physiced to death. His neighbours too, all took a kind +interest in his welfare. Looked in just to see how he was getting on, +and to see how long he was likely to last. Said they hoped he would soon +recover; but in their hearts they hoped he never would. On their faces, +as is the custom, they wore a deep look of concern; sympathised with all +his sufferings, and told him to cheer up, for that they felt confident +he would pull through. Inwardly they were considering what of the +Buccaneer's property they would lay their hands upon, when the old +gentleman became too weak to defend himself. This is not hypocrisy, it +springs from that most laudable motive of not wishing to prolong the +suffering, or hurt the feelings, even of a rival.</p> + +<p>But what caused the poor old gentleman more annoyance than anything was +the way some of the members of his family behaved, taking advantage of +the old gentleman's state of health to pester him almost to death, and +would not take no, for an answer. His daughters even gave him no peace, +and their shrill voices were to be heard even above the men's, +clamouring for all kind of things.</p> + +<p>Some of them put on their nursing caps and bib-aprons and fell to +wrangling amongst themselves as to how the sick man was to be treated, +while at one end of the room, one Zedekiah Cant, had enthroned himself, +and held forth, by way of comforting the sick man's soul, upon the +horrors of hell. This reverend gentleman had slipped into the room while +two priests belonging to the old Church Hulk fell foul of each other on +the door-step over a matter of orthodoxy.</p> + +<p>The old coxswain tried his best to keep them all quiet, and he read many +of them a lecture; but just as he had succeeded in establishing a little +peace in rushed one of the daughters—the one who, at the march-past of +the disaffected, had begged that all violent death might be banished +from the Buccaneer's kingdom. "Look here, sir," she exclaimed, holding +up a pigeon. "It's dead!"</p> + +<p>"Who is dead?" cried the old Buccaneer, as he raised himself up in bed, +and looked fiercely round like some old terrier who on a sudden smells a +rat. "Has anything happened to the Eastern Bandit?" he asked. The ruling +passion it is well known is strong even in death.</p> + +<p>"Far, far worse, sir," cried his daughter. "In wanton sport your +cruel-minded sons have killed this poor, unoffending bird. Its life has +been sacrificed to provide a holiday for the idle."</p> + +<p>The Buccaneer finding that it was not his old rival who had come to +grief, sank down again and appeared quite unconcerned. Miss Progress now +requested silence and she at once commenced to lecture the Buccaneer +upon the theory of atoms; but even this did not seem to revive the +drooping spirits of the sick man. It, however, edified the lecturer to +no small degree, therefore it was not altogether barren of results. No +sooner had this daughter finished than another came forward, until at +length the Buccaneer, who was not ill enough to stand all this worrying, +requested his coxswain to pack the whole lot about their business. This +he did with extreme pleasure, and he assisted Zedekiah down-stairs with +the toe of his boot. As he was kicked out of the front door he was +attacked and well rated by the two clerical disputants, who dropped +their discussion to do battle with him.</p> + +<p>The old coxswain took this to be a good sign, "Ah!" he said to himself, +"if my old master would only rip out an oath or two, like he used to in +our good old fighting days, it would gladden my heart and I would say +there's life in the old dog yet."</p> + +<p>Now there lived in the Buccaneer's island a celebrated quack, Doctor +Politics by name, and there was scarcely anything that this man was not +supposed to be capable of doing. He had practised long and with success +and he was said to be extremely clever; having a remedy for everything +as most quacks have, and as he suited his fees to every pocket he did a +very good business, and was becoming more powerful in the Buccaneer's +island every day he lived. No doubt this man had worked some very great +cures and had brought relief to many suffering bodies; but the great +quack, like all great men, had his failings. Having been successful in +some things he thought himself skilled in all, and his bearing soon +became presumptuous and offensive in the extreme. People, however, +believed in him, and that was all that was necessary. Of course he made +mistakes at times, and his patients occasionally slipped through his +hands, and occasionally the cure was worse than the disease; but +accidents will happen even to the cleverest men, and when he made a +mistake very little was heard of it.</p> + +<p>In an evil hour the Buccaneer put himself entirely in the hands of this +physician, who when he entered the sick man's room, began to make great +alterations both in medicine and diet. He was a most expensive man and +his fees were exorbitant, but to one as wealthy as the Buccaneer, money +is no object, and indeed he thought all the better for those things +which he paid well for.</p> + +<p>"Sir," said the quack, "I have only been called in just in time. You are +suffering from a very severe depression, brought about by too good +living." In this he seemed to agree with the other physicians. "Your +constitution is impaired, and even endangered, and your interior +economy is altogether wrong. I will prescribe for you a strict regimen. +Every action must be regulated by law, I will lay down for you what you +are to eat, and what you are to drink, how much, and at what times. Your +hours of labour shall be defined, and also your hours for recreation; +the latter I will in time make to equal, or exceed, the hours of toil. +Your hours of sleep shall also be regulated, and indeed every action of +your life shall be brought under proper control, so that you need never +trouble yourself about anything, and any independent thought on your +part, or even action, will be quite unnecessary and altogether out of +place."</p> + +<p>As is well known old servants frequently presume upon their position, +and old Jack was no exception to the rule, so he said, "We have enough +of your sort of medicine, doctor, on hand already and to spare. What my +master wants is a little more freedom."</p> + +<p>The doctor looked up from the work he was at and said, "Indeed, may I +ask, my good sir, at what college you took your degree? Are you one of +those narrow-minded bigots, who not being able to see beyond your own +nose, which by the way seems to me to be an unusually long one, declare +that all beyond is ignorance and folly? Pray, may I ask if you are +hom[oe]opath, or allopath?"</p> + +<p>The old coxswain took no notice but creeping up to his master he +whispered in his ear, "Master, master, have a care. This fellow is +weaving a straight waistcoat for you, and God only knows, you are +cramped enough as it is."</p> + +<p>But the Buccaneer did not understand his old friend and so the quack +continued his work, and presently said, addressing the coxswain, "Well, +my man, I will have nothing to do with you, and as you are likely to +interfere with my treatment with your cut and dried notions, your room +will be better than your company. Your master requires no fruit of the +medlar kind."</p> + +<p>"If your medicine," replied Jack, "is of the same kind as your joke, it +won't kill with laughter if it does not cure, and there's comfort in +that."</p> + +<p>"Begone, thou dotard!" cried the quack, "and mumble your old wives' +sayings to old wives' ears." Thus was poor old Jack banished from his +master's room. One of the accusations brought against the Buccaneer was +that he turned his back upon his friends. About the truth of this it is +not necessary to trouble; in such things, and indeed in many others that +ill nature floats, there is generally sufficient to give a colouring. +One thing is certain, he now allowed a well-tried, and honest old +servant, to be put on the wrong side of the door.</p> + +<p>Like some faithful old dog, Jack hung about the place and often, and +often tried to steal into his master's room, just to see how he was +getting on. He swore he would be silent and not utter a word, but poor +old Jack's reputation for silence was not great, and the quack doctor +kept such an eye upon his patient that he could scarcely dare move, or +speak, without his authority. The only consolation that old Jack had was +to cry out in the hearing of everybody, "Well, damme! if this is +liberty, give me the four iron-windowed stone walls of a prison for +choice." But nobody seemed to heed him.</p> + +<p>It was a sad sight to see this, at one time, daring old Buccaneer, so +fettered and bound. Many a good fight had he fought for the sake of his +freedom and after all it had only brought him to this. Evils, it is well +known, never come alone, and misfortune after misfortune befell him, for +one morning the merry round-faced sun rose with a broader smile than +usual upon his jolly red face. It was found that Madam Liberty, of whom +people had talked and prated so much, and made such a to-do about, +toadying, and flattering her, on even the smallest occasion, had turned +out to be no better than she should have been. The precise name by which +she was known it is not necessary to mention. Women of her class have at +all times played conspicuous parts in the world's history; being even +favoured of princes and other noble personages, while one even was made +the consort of an emperor and sat upon an Eastern throne. But a greater +surprise was still in store for people, for one morning they rose up to +find that the modern Phryne had disappeared in a most mysterious manner +and many believed that she had been made away with by her son, Demos. +This individual had now grown to great consideration in the Buccaneer's +island, and under the patronage of the quack he had been made custodian +of the household, and keeper of the old Buccaneer's honour; but the +latter office under his care soon became a mere sinecure. In turn Demos +became the master even of the quack, who had done so much to place him +where he was; but is not the story of kicking away the ladder by which +you have climbed, a very old one?</p> + +<p>The uncrowned queen, Respectability, still held her sway, but her +kingdom had become more confined, and she became a most prim, and +exclusive sovereign. The great quack doctor treated her with the utmost +consideration and politeness, and even Demos, who was for pulling down +everything, tried to gain her over, but her majesty became extremely +haughty and reserved, and would have little or nothing to do with him.</p> + +<p>But now the sorrow of sorrows has to be told. It was a wild and stormy +night. The rain swept over the island in blinding sheets. The wind +howled amongst the rigging of the old Ship of State, and the wild waves +dashed against the rock-bound coast, throwing up clouds of spray, and +roaring like hungry monsters, eager to devour their prey. The old +sign-board over the door of the Constitution public-house laboured to +and fro in the blast, and groaned every now and again as if in pain. The +light from a feeble lamp shed its uncertain rays upon two forms lying +side by side on the cold, damp earth, and the wind as it passed them +seemed to sing a funeral dirge to the Buccaneer's two best friends, the +Beggar Woman, Patriotism, and the old coxswain, Jack Commonsense.</p> + +<p>The two of them had travelled side by side on the road to Misfortune; +begging about from door to door, but they claimed neither pity nor +sympathy, all people being much too busy with their own affairs to pay +them any attention. At length they dragged their starved bodies to die +in front of the old house they both loved so well. With the loss of +these two the Buccaneer's days, it was believed, were numbered.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XLII" id="CHAPTER_XLII"></a>CHAPTER XLII.</h2> + + +<p>Little is left to be told now. The sick man occasionally rallied, and he +loved to dwell like most old men of every station in life, upon his +past. He was also given to occasional fits of boasting, and when he did +do anything he took good care to let all the world know it. "Did you see +that!" he would cry out in an ecstasy of delight. "Did you see the +mighty blow I struck? Never in my palmiest days did I do better. Hide, +hide your diminished heads, ye Ramillies, Malplaquet, and Waterloo." +These famous battles he loved to talk about.</p> + +<p>He also took a strange delight in showering upon all his people all +kinds of honours or distinctions, and it was said that men were +decorated for doing little or nothing. This was a symptom of decay.</p> + +<p>Sometimes as he sat pillowed up in his invalid's chair, with the great +quack doctor in attendance upon him, he would mumble to himself, "Aye, +aye, I knew thee well. There was Wallop, he swept the seas. There was +brave Howard, Hawkins, Frobisher, and the rest, and you, my little man! +No, no, I've not forgotten Trafalgar and the Nile. Don't you remember +them all, Jack? Jack! Jack! where's my cox'sn, he never used to play the +truant," but Jack never answered to his call, and the old man wandered +on. "Clack, clack go my windlasses; yo! ho! cry my men. Heave in, my +lads. Sheet home and hoist up, and bear away for the main."</p> + +<p>The great quack smiled as he glanced his eyes up at the long row of +shelves, with their burdens of remedies, all of which had been +prescribed to meet some fresh complaint, and many a costly dose had been +given, which only aggravated the disease; and of many of the others, all +that could be said was, that if they did no good, they at least did no +harm; but the straight waistcoat every day received some slight +addition, which contracted still more the old Buccaneer's actions, until +in time he could scarcely call his soul his own.</p> + +<p>Thus did this great man pass his declining years. Ruled over by a +tyrannical quack. Worried by his own children, to whom he had given +every indulgence, at the recommendation of Madam Liberty, until it could +with justice be said that they one and all combined to bring the old +Buccaneer's grey hairs with sorrow to the grave.</p> + +<p>It is usual in all books, and it is even necessary before you close your +pages to kill some of the characters, if not all. Sometimes they die a +natural death, at others they are either blown up with gun-powder, or +otherwise made away; either with the steel blade, or the leaden bullet +of the assassin. The characters who have strutted for a brief space upon +the pages of this history must be allowed to die peacefully. The star of +Dogvane, the king of the Ojabberaways, after resting for a short while +over the green isle of his adoption, set forever in the Western Ocean. +His chief jester, the merry Pepper, the man of infinite wisdom and +resource, also passed away. Dogvane was never allowed to carry out his +grand design of covering the naked population of the Soudan in home-made +fabrics. Nor was the cook soothed in his last moments by seeing the +object of his life accomplished, namely, the total abolition of the +Buccaneer's Upper Chamber; consequently we cannot imagine that his end +was peace.</p> + +<p>It is a pity that Death is no respecter of persons; had he been, the +gifted Pepper, would, no doubt, have been spared to amuse and enlighten +the world. Of the other conspirators of the cook's caboose, after having +served their allotted time, they also passed away, and it is not +recorded that Billy Cheeks, before he died, set fire to the waters of +the river that flowed by the Buccaneer's chief city. The carpenter rose +high in his master's household, and carried to his grave a goodly load +of honour. Of the rest, let history tell what truth or what lies it +likes, here no more will be recorded. It will be remembered that our +bold Buccaneer was at one time sorely grieved because he only had one +general. This seemed to prey so upon his mind in his last days, that he +tried to make amends for his past neglect by making generals by the +score, whether they were fitted for the position or not; nor did the +Buccaneer stop here, for he gave military titles to nearly all his sons, +in the hope, no doubt, that amongst the crowd there might be one +military genius, or perhaps two.</p> + +<p>But stranger things were yet in store for the world, and a graver +symptom of decaying power had yet to manifest itself. It has been +already said that no man ever did more to degrade noble distinctions and +marks of honour than did this, at one time, celebrated Buccaneer, in his +declining years. It is true that he had not sunk quite so low as one of +his neighbours, who sold such things for a mere money consideration; but +he had in his latter years gone some considerable way even in this +direction, for he had made money a stepping-stone to preferment. The one +who placed drunkenness within easy reach of his people, might reasonably +expect to be made a peer. The successful oil-man, or grocer, who had +made his five talents into ten, need not despair of earning the at one +time honourable distinction of knighthood, while any one who served his +party well, even if it were to the discredit of his country, was pretty +certain to be ennobled. The number of new creations was so great, that +his heraldic officers were nearly worn-out with finding ancestors and +pedigrees for all these great people, and it was wonderful what things +their industry, and their ingenuity, brought to light. Frequently they +followed the poet's art and gave "to airy nothing a local habitation and +a name."</p> + +<p>Had he promoted all his cooks to seats in the Council Chamber it would +not have been so very extraordinary a thing, considering the part that +cooks play in this world of ours. The Buccaneer now put a climax to his +folly by one day making all his tinkers lords, and all his tailors +knights. Whether this was done in a spirit of irony, or from a deep +conviction that, as he had gone so far, he could not in justice draw any +hard and fast line, will never be known. He was without doubt the best +tinker the world had ever seen, and he had a very large show of +tinkered pots, pans, and kettles, always on hand, but many thought he +might have stopped here.</p> + +<p>These last acts were considered to be of so grave a nature that the +priest took the place of the doctor, and when this happens little else +remains to be told.</p> + +<p>Before closing the pages of this history, another catastrophe must be +recorded. In one of those storms which were of frequent occurrence in +the Buccaneer's island, the old Church Hulk, which had ridden alongside +of the Ship of State for so many years in fair weather and in foul, +slipped her moorings one dark night, either by accident, or otherwise, +and she drifted on to the rocks of discord, and being broken up was +plundered; her own crew being fortunate enough to save some of her cargo +of riches for themselves. After all was over they set to work to accuse +and abuse each other. Some indeed expressed open satisfaction at what +had happened, for the discipline on board the old Church Ship had long +been too severe for them, and signs of mutiny and insubordination had +long been manifest, as has been already shown. These felt that now they +could worship their God how they liked, when they liked, and in what +costume they liked; and those who wished it, and there were not a few, +could even worship more gods than one.</p> + +<p>The loss of the Church Ship was put down to various causes by her crew. +Some said it was the work of the devil; others said it was through the +wickedness of men; but very few of them thought of applying to +themselves the proverb, which the old coxswain and his master had +brought from the Spanish Main.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XLIII" id="CHAPTER_XLIII"></a>CHAPTER XLIII.</h2> + + +<p>There are different opinions as to how the world is to end. Some say it +will eventually fall a prey to that rapacious monster, the sun, which +seems to be according to these people a veritable gourmand; requiring an +enormous quantity of food to keep him going, and thinking no more of a +planet than an ordinary individual does of an oyster. Others seem to +think that the present inhabitants are to be frozen out, while others +again think that the balance of things is to be upset, and that some day +we shall, world and all, be flung into unlimitable space, waking up +eventually perhaps the peace and quiet of some far off system. Whatever +the method, the result will be the same, so far as the inhabitants are +concerned. All people are selfish enough to hope that things will last +their time, for no matter how the world is abused, and called all sorts +of bad names, but few leave it willingly, and if they could look out +upon the many beauties with which they are surrounded; if they could be +cured of their blindness, they would see something fresh every day to +give them pleasure.</p> + +<p>It was equally a matter of doubt as to how this brave old Buccaneer was +to make his final exit. Frequently the last stroke of death is not given +by that ailment that has been threatening through life. But as to the +Buccaneer? Would his neighbours step in, and taking advantage of his +weakness, knock the old gentleman on the head, and then divide his +riches amongst themselves, and thus save all further trouble to +administrators and executors? Would Demos, taking advantage of the +position his wanton mother Liberty had placed him in, club the old +gentleman, and so give him the finishing stroke? Such a thing has +happened before now, in the world's history, and it may happen again. +Children petted and spoiled, have ere now risen against their parents, +and have cruelly treated them. Was the old Buccaneer, the prosperous +trader, to have the last drop of blood sucked out of him, by the foreign +parasites and cheap-Jacks, or was he doomed to have the last spark of +life trampled out of him by the Ojabberaways? Again, what if this old +Buccaneer, who had sailed for so many years under the death's head and +cross-bones, were destined to end his days under Petticoat Government? +There would be a strange irony in this, and such a thing would go far, +no doubt, to rectify the many injustices that the fair sex from the +beginning has been subjected to. Revenge is sweet, and no doubt if this +were to happen, the last moments of the Buccaneer would not be passed in +peace. But of his end who can tell? It would be but waste of time +further to surmise, for we must say farewell to our brave old friend. We +will leave him in the hands of the great quack doctor and his numerous +attendants. What matters it, whether after lingering for a while below, +he was taken up to heaven on a snow white cloud, the fringe of which was +illumined by the glowing embers of a world he loved so well, and in +which he had played a by no means insignificant part? What if he passed +away before the final consummation of all things, leaving his spirits +behind to walk the earth, and to encourage some weary traveller who, +commencing life as a Buccaneer, lives in after years under the +protection of the great uncrowned queen Respectability, and takes for +his fancy dress the cowl and frock of a monk?</p> + +<p>The last moments of the great and powerful are sad to contemplate, and +are not lightly to be intruded upon. We see the mighty intellect +impaired, and the babbling tongue let loose. We see the strong arm that +was once the terror of all those who came within its reach lying +listless on the counterpane, with emaciated fingers whose strength is +not sufficient to crush a fly. Character, virtue, intellect, all that +goes to make a man great, have to retire into the shade of the sick +chamber, and wait patiently there, silently watching the ravages that +are being made. Then with the last breath of the dying man, Reputation +spreads her wings, soiled perhaps, and torn by slander, and pierced by +the sharp pointed shafts of ill-nature, and takes refuge in the marble +palaces of History, where things are cleansed and purified, or condemned +to everlasting obloquy.</p> + +<p>We drop the curtain, and wish this celebrated Buccaneer a long good +night.</p> + + +<h3>THE END.</h3> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer, by +Richard Clynton + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIFE OF A CELEBRATED BUCCANEER *** + +***** This file should be named 36615-h.htm or 36615-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/6/1/36615/ + +Produced by Charlene Taylor, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer + A Page of Past History for the Use of the Children of To-day + +Author: Richard Clynton + +Release Date: July 4, 2011 [EBook #36615] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIFE OF A CELEBRATED BUCCANEER *** + + + + +Produced by Charlene Taylor, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + THE LIFE OF A CELEBRATED BUCCANEER + + _A PAGE OF PAST HISTORY FOR THE USE OF THE CHILDREN OF TO-DAY_ + + BY RICHARD CLYNTON + + + LONDON + SWAN SONNENSCHEIN & CO. + PATERNOSTER SQUARE. + + 1889 + + + + +LIFE OF A CELEBRATED BUCCANEER. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + +Once upon a time there lived on an island, separated from the main land +of Europe by a silver streak of the ocean, a celebrated Buccaneer. + +There was a rugged grandeur about the rock-bound coast of this island, +with its bluff, bold headlands and beetling cliffs, where the sea birds +loved to make their nests high up above the spray; mingling their cries +with the voice of the ocean as it rushed into its wide and deep throated +caverns. The waves, too, worked ever, and for ever, a broad fretwork +collar round these rocky shores. Unlucky was the ship that found this +island on her lee in a gale of wind. Many a child had been made +fatherless there, and many a wife a widow. But to those who knew how to +thread their way through the many channels, numerous bays, creeks, and +rivers, offered a safe retreat either from the storm or from an enemy. + +This island was a fit home for one following the profession of a +Buccaneer. Its natural advantages were extremely great; for not only was +it difficult of access, but its innumerable big throated caverns opened +their wide jaws ready to receive anything that floated in from the +ocean. However, this bold pirate did such a good business, that in a +short time these caves became too small, so he had to build wharves and +warehouses to hold his plunder; for he lived in such an age, and was +surrounded by such unprincipled people, that he could not leave his +things lying about on the shore. Besides which, the climate was not +good, being frequently visited by fogs, gales of wind, and very heavy +rains. + +Soon villages rose up; then towns, which in their turn grew into great +cities, the principal of which were generally planted by the side of +some one of his many rivers. Soon the bays and rivers became crowded +with ships, and the shores were busy scenes of industry. Cargoes were +being landed. Sails were being made and repaired; ropes overhauled and +restranded, and the smell of the pitch caldrons rose up and mingled with +the salt air blown in fresh from the sea. Shipwrights' hammers resounded +along the shores, and were echoed back by the beetling cliffs. While the +men worked, the women sang, and the chubby-faced, fair-haired children +played about on the beach. + +To those who ask how our bold Buccaneer acquired most of his property, +it must be answered that it came to him in a manner usual in those +times. Everybody laid their hands upon what they could, and then devoted +all their spare time and energy to the keeping of it. Title deeds were +for the most part written in blood, with a sharp-pointed one-nibbed +steel pen. When we live in Rome we must do as the Romans do, and we must +not set up to be better than our neighbours, that is, if we wish to +prosper, and when all the world is going in for universal plunder it +does not pay to stand on one side, with hands idle, arms folded, and +eyes upturned to heaven, saying that people are wicked. Needs must when +the devil drives. + +It has been a time-honoured custom to rob and kill, so that riches may +be laid up; then it becomes the duty of all to watch lest the thief +breaks through and steals. This primitive method of doing business is +now justly condemned, and all nations pay at least a tribute to virtue, +by flinging a cloth over any shady action. But nations even now have to +maintain their dignity. Insults have to be resented, and ambitious +designs have to be frustrated. Battles are fought, and people are +slaughtered, and some one, as the saying is, has to pay the piper. + +It would almost seem, by a contemplation of things in general, that man +by nature is a robber, the action changing its colour according to the +atmosphere that people have to live in. In barbarous ages the act of +plunder is done openly, and a fellow-creature is sent about his +business, either with a broken head or with a spear through his body, +and there is an end to him, and perhaps the world is not much the +poorer. That honesty is the best policy is, by experience, forced upon +us; but even now, in our most enlightened age, the individual will at +times adulterate his liquor, sand his sugar, and sell short weight, +though he may try to sanctify the deed by saying his prayers before and +after; thus adding somewhat to the general stock of humbugs, hypocrites, +and Pharisees. But to our story. + +It was a noble sight to see this bold Buccaneer getting under weigh with +his fleet of ships. Clack, clack went the windlasses, and his brave lads +could be heard singing as they lifted their anchors a peak-- + + Merrily round our capstans go + As we heave in the slack of our chain, + Into our sails the north winds blow + As we bear away from the main. + Yo ho, my lads, heave ho! + +Home went the sheets. Up went the yards, and the sails bellied out to +the wind. On the shores crowded the women and children. The little ones +with shock heads of curly hair, the sport of the breeze, crying after +their fathers, holding up their tearful little faces for the sea-breeze +to kiss. The wives wishing their brave lads a prosperous voyage, and a +safe return, with plenty of plunder. Silks and spices from the East, and +gold and silver from the West, or wherever they could find it. Away went +the ships, with their white canvas spread like the wings of a seagull. +Soon the hulls were down, and the white specks, after lingering for a +while upon the far-off horizon, sank beneath and vanished. Then sending +a sigh after their mates on the wings of the north wind, the women +returned to their homes and sang their young sea whelps to sleep, with +lullabies tuned to the daring deeds of their fathers. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +Things in this world do not remain shady long. Time works wonders and +throws the halo of romance over the darkest deeds. See what time and +romance have done for William Tell. Look at your Alexander and your +Frederick; are not they both called great? Ah! these two were conquerors +not plunderers; and there lies the difference, though perhaps Maria +Theresa and one or two others might have had something to say against +one of these fine fellows. Then there is Robin Hood. Have not time and +romance completely changed the aspect of that, at one time, bold and +notorious outlaw? For over fifty years did this jolly robber enjoy +himself upon other people's property. Look too at the numerous other +gentlemen of the road; your crusaders and adventurers in early times. +What were the hardy Norsemen, of whom we love to sing? There is +something very attractive about your robber, no matter whether he +carries on his profession by sea or land, the only thing needful being, +to study him at a distance, and through the halo of this said romance. +If it were not for the world's great robbers what would historians have +to record; what would poets have to sing about? If they had to confine +themselves to the virtuous actions, to the good that is done, their +occupation would be gone. The chronicling of small beer is a waste of +labour. + +But there comes a time when the very worst of sinners are troubled by +that mysterious part of the human economy known by the name of +conscience. This conscience is at times a veritable tyrant, saying what +we shall eat, what we shall drink, and what we shall do. To the many the +matter is not one of difficulty. If they have to make their way in the +world, conscience is either thrown overboard, or put under hatches until +such times as it is wanted. Then it comes up all the fresher for its +temporary retirement, and is, generally speaking, very exacting. + +The disposition to repent of the evil we have done is not confined +either to age, time, or sex happily. The call comes perhaps, more often, +and earlier, to women than it does to men. Jezebel was not altogether as +good as she ought to have been, but even she might have turned over a +new leaf, and have become a most respectable saint, had not misfortune +thrown her across the path of that impetuous fellow Jehu, with the +result that she was, as every one knows, thrown out of a window. Had +Jezebel lived in the Buccaneer island in his later days, and had she +been young and beautiful, and the paint not too thick upon her face, she +might have been tried for some small act of indiscretion, such for +instance as that trifling incident about Naboth; but probably she would +have been acquitted, when no doubt she would have left the court without +a stain upon her character, and would have been an object of sympathy +ever after. This lady has left a numerous family of daughters behind +her, many of whom, however, turn over new leaves, and having been +considerable sinners, become the most straight-laced, unpitying, and +uncharitable of sour-faced saints. Poor Jezebel the first was never +given a chance. She lived too soon. + +But to the point. The time came when our bold Buccaneer received, as the +saying is, his call, and it was brought about in the following manner. +In early times when saints walked about the earth calling sinners to +repentance, one found his way over to the Buccaneer's island, induced to +go there, not by the hope of any worldly gain in the shape of church +preferment or salary; and here lies much of the difference between a +modern saint and an ancient one. But the one, of whom we wish now +particularly to speak, was impelled by the hope of snatching this +burning brand from the devil's fire. Some of the Buccaneer's neighbours +had tried to convert him before this, by means of the sword, but without +effect, for the pirate's nest was a hard one to take, and the eggs burnt +the fingers of all those who attempted to touch them. + +The precise spot where the saint landed is open to doubt; so is the +exact time and the method of his transit. Some declared that he came +over on a broomstick. Others again, said he used the ordinary means of +conveyance, and this is the most worthy of credence. About saints there +is generally something that is legendary. He preached his gospel to the +Buccaneer, and told him in the plainest language that he was going to +the devil, about whose dominion he drew such a glowing account that the +Buccaneer was moved. + +He repented, and determined to turn over that wonderful leaf, that the +world is for ever hearing so much about, and seeing so little of. To +show his earnestness, the Buccaneer built churches and endowed them, and +not unfrequently out of the money that he took from other people. This +was but right. Belfries rose up in every nook and corner, and their iron +tongues could be constantly heard calling all pious buccaneers to +prayer. + +But that befell the saint which sooner or later must happen to us all. +He died, but left behind him a book, which he told the Buccaneer was to +be his rule in life, for between its covers there lay the seed of all +that was good, and the gentle spirit of one, who though dead would live +for ever. The precious gift was handed over to the safe custody of the +Buccaneer's church, and the old saint with much sorrow and ceremony was +laid in his narrow cell, to await there the sound of the last trump. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + +The days of mourning were barely over when difficulties arose. The faith +left behind by the old saint was extremely good, and even beautiful, but +it was not at all adapted to one who occasionally robbed a neighbour's +hen-roost. Indeed, it was not at all fitted for one who followed the +profession of a bold Buccaneer. It was a trifle hard to sell all that he +had and give it to the poor, who might be a lazy lot of skulking +rascals. Then who could expect to get on in this world, if, when one +cheek was struck he turned the other? Beautiful, yes, but not practical. +If our fighting Buccaneer did this sort of thing, every daw from the +mainland would invade the nest of the eagle, and peck him to death, and +suck his eggs. + +Then the command not to lay up riches upon earth; and to live in peace +and charity with all men. This was all very well, but then when you are +surrounded by a lot of people, who will not live up to these fine +sentiments, what is a poor fellow to do? + +The Buccaneer had a coxswain, who was his right-hand man, and whose name +was Jack Commonsense. He took him into his confidence. Old Jack +scratched his head, which was a sure sign that he was in trouble, and he +told his master that he did not see any way out of the difficulty, for, +if they sailed by the instruction as laid down in the Book the saint had +left behind, they had better give up the buccaneering business at once, +and try something else. The end of the matter was, that it was handed +over to the Buccaneer's Church to settle, for, as he said in his quaint +sea-faring language, it's no use keeping a dog if you have to bark +yourself. To his clergy he deputed the by no means easy task of shaping +a course in accordance with his book, the Bible, and at the same time +not altogether antagonistic to his worldly interests. In fact, some kind +of a compromise had to be made. + +Obedient to the command of their earthly master, the most learned of the +Buccaneer's divines assembled together in solemn conclave, and having +opened the proceedings with prayer, they fell to arguing upon the grave +questions before them. The Scriptures were searched, and very much +learning and piety were displayed, and very much heat, with a little +temper, was introduced; but there seemed to be little probability of +their coming to a satisfactory conclusion. Some said the word must be +adhered to, others said that the word killed, and that it was the spirit +that must be taken into consideration. + +After very much argument, which at times cleft asunder the matter in +dispute, thereby forming schism and even sects, a satisfactory +conclusion was arrived at, and the foundation was laid of an edifice, +which in time was to grow into most beautiful proportions. The +foundation rested upon the Book, and the corner stones were those which +Christ had laid in Galilee. The superstructure was built to a large +extent by human hands, and of earthly material. Still it was a noble +edifice, and thus the Buccaneer had manufactured for him a good everyday +religion, somewhat worldly perhaps, but eminently suited to his mode of +life. + +There were slight incongruities, but it mattered little to the subject +of our history, and we may presume that he did not see them; or if he +did he did not notice them, which answers the same purpose. Such things +are at all times more apparent to other people than to those especially +interested. Besides, any little shortcomings on the part of the +Buccaneer were amply made amends for by his solicitude for the religious +welfare of others, whose eternal happiness seemed indeed to be more to +him than his own. Wherever he went he took with him his Bible, and as he +had not been able to swallow it wholesale himself, he soothed his +conscience by thrusting it down the throats of other people. If they +would not take it quietly, then he would help them over their difficulty +with the point of his sword. It was a principle of his that if people +would not go to Heaven, that they must be made to go there, and +accordingly he sent a good many to the other world very much against +their will, and very much before their time. + +This bold Buccaneer was perhaps originally intended for a Mahommedan, +but being spoilt in the making he became an indifferent Christian. Tell +him this, and it would be wise to clear out at once, and make tracks for +the remotest part of the world. + +As a matter of course he must follow the example of all other Christian +people, and enroll himself under the protection of some saint. Now, +whether it was by chance, or whether he was possessed with a grim kind +of humour, it would be impossible to say. Indeed, he may have had a +genuine admiration for the man. The fact remains that he chose as his +patron George of Capadocia, who seems to have done a very good business +in the way of bacon. It is at all times a difficult matter to form a +true estimate of a character far back in history; but it is probable +that the whole saintly calendar does not contain a more disreputable +blackguard than this self-same George; but he is now a saint "de mortuis +etc.;" the bold Buccaneer having now had a good serviceable religion +manufactured for him, and having also been fitted out with a good +elastic and easily worked conscience, he was himself again. Away the +merry rover went, cracking a head here and a crib there, and returning +home with whatever happened to fall in his way. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + +All the Buccaneer's neighbours had adopted some characteristic emblem or +device with an appropriate motto. No people, of any degree of +self-respect, can get on without such things. The device generally takes +the form of some beast or bird of prey--eagles and vultures being +greatly favoured. The bold Buccaneer with a characteristic modesty +adopted the lion as his emblem, and as his motto "God and my Right." It +is wonderful how he made both ends of his motto meet to his own great +advantage. These two principles seldom seemed to clash, and if they did, +he generally overcame the difficulty in a most satisfactory manner. This +perhaps was the effect of his having a good conscience. + +Now the lion is a noble-looking animal. His appearance is ferocious, +while his roar is terrifying in the extreme. Those who have watched, and +studied his habits, say that in spite of all this, he is about as mean a +beast as ever stole a meal or entered upon an unequal fight, being ever +ready to rob and plunder the weaker inhabitants of the jungle. Of +course, the animal had his good points; all animals have, and, no doubt, +it was these that attracted the Buccaneer's attention. How delighted he +was when his lion's roar frightened any one of his neighbours! What +pleasure too it gave him when he put out his large paw and snatched a +handful of feathers out of any of their birds! But then what a terrible +screeching there was, and very often a fight. + +Not to be behind his neighbour in anything, he created high sounding +titles, and honourable distinctions, to reward those of his sons who did +well in the buccaneering trade. Then to support the weight of their +newly acquired dignity, he either allowed them to levy blackmail on whom +they could, or he sent round the hat amongst his own people. This hat +was with him a cherished institution, and was used on all kinds of +occasions. It was hung up in all his churches, but taken down and sent +round after every service. Of such importance was it that it must be +deemed to be worthy at all times of a capital to begin with. For length +of titles he could not approach many of his neighbours, who frequently +found consolation for empty pockets, ruined castles, and extreme poverty +in a long string of names. + +The bold Buccaneer grew in strength, in riches, and in righteousness +also. His family increased and multiplied as all good people's families +should; but still he fought, and for the most part conquered. This +proved to his own satisfaction that God was generally on his side. When +the enemy was handed over to him he despoiled him, thus following the +example set him by most other peoples and nations, in olden times and in +new. It is a good thing to pluck a beaten adversary well, lest he flies +again too soon, and sticks either his beak, or his claws into you. Do +not believe him if he says he will not do it. To his beaten foe the +Buccaneer was kind, for he gave to him spiritual consolation; giving his +Bible and selling him his strong and intoxicating drinks. He fully +believed that those who did not live up to the teaching of his book +would be eternally damned, though he did not at all times show a +disposition to live up to it himself, it being very much too +inconvenient to do so. There was occasionally such a difference between +his preaching, and his practice, that his neighbours wondered whether he +was a knave or a hypocrite, or a good honest gentleman who saw no +incongruity in his line of action. + +Sometimes in his encounters with his enemies he came off second best, as +the saying is. Then there was nothing he was so sure of as that the +devil was fighting against him. It was his custom then to look about for +a scapegoat, and if he found one he sacrificed him to appease the Divine +anger. Then having bound up his broken head and dressed his wounds, he +took down his book, read a chapter or two, said his prayers, and then +waited until the Lord handed his enemy over to him. Then he quickly +wiped off old scores, adding or taking something, by way of interest. +Thus he became very much respected by all who knew him. As he +prospered, so did his church, for he was very generous as most sailors +are. Whatever the edifice was within, it was beautiful without, and had +a complete organisation. The High Priest, not Caiaphas, stood at the +head of all things, and he was the keeper of the Buccaneer's conscience. +It was the duty of the High Priest to keep all his subordinates in +order. This was a task which at times he could not perform, for the +members of the ecclesiastical body showed themselves to be true chips of +the Buccaneer block, and though essentially men of peace, they proved +themselves at times to be equally men of war. His priests being the +keepers of his conscience, frequently took upon themselves to lecture +him; not hesitating even to tell him of his transgressions. Having +brought the ardent old sinner upon his knees, and prescribed for him +prayers, mortifications, and fastings; having also bled him, they +cleaned and repaired his conscience and sent him on his way again. Thus +did the priesthood grow in power and in self-respect. + +Comparisons, it is said, are odious; but they are necessary at times, +and if we compare our friend with any one of his neighbours, we find him +not a bit worse; he himself thinking, indeed, that he was infinitely +better. To exterminate the heathen, or to bring them over from their +evil ways, and to burn all heretics was at one time the pious object of +his life. The weak, too, had to be protected, and those who cannot take +care of themselves ought, at all times, to be extremely obliged to those +who will do it for them, and of course they must expect to pay. Then the +evil doer had to be punished and fined, and the pride of the arrogant +and haughty had to be humbled, and surplus populations had to be worked +off, and anybody undertaking these very disagreeable, though necessary +duties, is deserving of the thanks of those who have neither the taste, +nor the leisure for the occupation. There is nothing strange in all +this. Did not Moses sit upon the hilltop with Aaron on one side and Hur +on the other, and while these two held up his hands did he not look with +satisfaction upon Joshua discomfiting the Amalekites? and very well +Joshua seems to have done his work. + +Who then will blame the Buccaneer? As in Joshua's day, so now such +things are necessary. And if the Buccaneer did burn a heretic or two, +what then? He was strictly impartial. To-day it was what was called a +Holy Roman that he fried, to-morrow he varied the bill of fare by +roasting a Protestant. That was in his early days. + +Our Buccaneer was essentially a fighting man, and though the Book he +swore by preached peace on earth and good will towards men, his habit +was to mix himself up--in early times at least--in every pot-house brawl +that he could, and a cracked head was to him an honourable distinction. +He as often as not took the wrong side, and he was frequently found +fighting in very queer company; but to his honour it must be said that +the weakness of a neighbour, who was put upon, was more to him than any +abstract principle of right or wrong, and though he was not above +pitching into a fellow smaller than himself, he would not allow anyone +else to indulge in the luxury if he could help it. + +The ill-natured--those who are for ever ready to find out spots and +blemishes in other people, to the utter neglect of their own, said all +kinds of things. Called him a hard fighting, hard drinking, and hard +swearing Christian. He did swear; it was a bad habit, no doubt; but then +his climate was enough to make any man swear, and drink into the +bargain. He had his failings, and he did not mind being told of them, +and he would sit patiently in church, whilst his priests thundered at +him from their many pulpits. He took it all in; said his prayers +devoutly, and when the inevitable Hat came round, he gave liberally. +Perhaps he experienced some slight regret on such occasions that some of +his wicked neighbours were not present to partake of the spiritual food +that was thus given freely. He felt sure it would have hit some of them +very hard. It might perhaps have made them mend their ways, though, as +it did not seem to have a permanent effect upon the Buccaneer himself, +there may be a doubt upon the subject. It is said that eels get +accustomed to skinning. + +In passing it may be mentioned that his women--at least in early +times--were honest, virtuous, brave and true, and in every way fitting +mothers for a race of warriors. It may be presumed that they had their +faults. Indeed, some of his laws and customs would lead us to believe +that such was the case. For instance, it was laid down as a rule that no +husband should beat his wife with a stick of greater diameter than one +inch. There was very great humanity here. Scolds he sometimes ducked. If +that did not stop the rancour of their tongues he tried the effect of an +instrument called the "branks." This fitted over the head something like +a dog-muzzle, and was fastened behind with a padlock, while an iron +plate rested upon the tongue, and kept it quiet. This was found to be +effective. + +Judging from our present high state of civilization when women are +allowed full liberty of speech, these early habits and customs of the +Buccaneer will not bear looking into. Occasionally in later times some +one of his sons, not conspicuous for chivalry, knocked down his wife, or +his mother-in-law, and then jumped upon her; but as a general rule his +manners were very much softened, and his women were treated with very +great indulgence. Perhaps those who suffered were deserving people. If, +in his ruder age, the women did not love their lords and masters, they +at least respected them, and this feeling in the long-run brings the +most happiness. In his latter days a deep suit of mourning, with much +crape, and a becoming widow's cap, often covered a joyous heart, and a +fresh campaign was commenced. But what is love? You have it; you have it +not. It is sometimes near, then again it is obscured by distance. It +wanders about like a sweet and gentle spirit above the earth; soaring +sometimes with outstretched wings to heaven. It seems brightest when +afar. Touch it, and it will shrink and fade like the delicate petals of +a flower. It often haunts a grave-yard and makes a home amongst the +tombs. You fly from it, and it follows; you turn and chase it and it +flies. What is love? It is a veritable Will o' the Wisp. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + +Honour to whom honour is due. In speaking of the Buccaneer and in +briefly sketching his early life, it would not be right to pass by, +without some slight comment, a people who occupied an island situated +not many miles from his shores. They were called the Ojabberaways. They +came of a spirited and highly sensitive race. They were imaginative in +the extreme, quick of temper, and very prone to insult. The smallest +slight they would look upon as a grave injury. They were also a +quick-witted, clever, and merry people, and fighting was the joy of +their life. They were not total abstainers. + +Somehow the Ojabberaways and the Buccaneer, though near neighbours, did +not get on very well together. This often happens, more especially +amongst relations, but the Ojabberaways would not admit that they were +of the same blood as the Buccaneer. They maintained that they came from +a far nobler stock. In fact, it would appear from what the people +themselves said, though history is silent upon the subject, that the +island was at one time inhabited by one or two kings, who left a progeny +sufficient to people the whole place, and that consequently, every +Ojabberaway had royal blood in his veins. No wonder then that they were +high-spirited and proud. Now they looked upon the bold Buccaneer as a +tyrant, whose chief aim in life was to tread under foot, and otherwise +insult them. Nothing would induce them to believe the contrary. They +sucked it in at their mother's breasts. The origin of their name is +wrapped in mystery, but it is probable that it had, in some way, a +connection with the chief produce of their country. + +The Ojabberaways were not a united people. Though for the most part they +were inimical to the rule of the Buccaneer, and groaned under what they +considered the chain cast upon them by an alien and an oppressor, there +were many who were comfortable and even happy and contented under his +rule. Between these two sections of the Ojabberaways there was no love +lost. The wild Ojabberaways as they were sometimes called--of course +behind their backs--looked with peculiar hatred upon what were called +the loyal Ojabberaways. Speaking of the people generally it may be said, +that when you came across one who was a thorough gentleman, no finer +specimen of the class could be found in the world; but nature is not at +all times prodigal. There are some flowers that only bloom once in a +hundred years. + +For the ordinary occupation of life the people had little or no taste, +and in his own country, if you found one Ojabberaway working, you would +always find two at least indulging in the luxury of looking on. And at +all times an Ojabberaway would give over any labour in which he might be +occupied, to follow a fellow-countryman to his grave, to whom in life he +would not have lent a single sixpence. This respect for the dead is +touching; but the Ojabberaways were a sentimental nation. + +They were also a peculiarly constituted people, generous to a fault as +long as they had anything to give; but they, for the most part, lived +beyond their means, for a man with a thousand a year would generally +spend two, and this in time brought them into the usurer's hands and +into difficulties. Then some one had to suffer, and it was generally the +tenant of the land and the peasant. The usurer at all times drives a +hard bargain, and what bowels he has are not those of compassion. What +is in his bond he takes care to have. This gave an opening to the +agitator, and he took advantage of the state of things to stir up +strife. + +Then the Ojabberaways had peculiarly formed eyes. To the outward +appearance just like other peoples; but inwardly quite differently +constructed. An object that would appear to an ordinary individual in +one light would impinge upon the retina of an Ojabberaway's eye in such +a manner as to distort some things and magnify others; but most of all a +grievance. On the other hand an obligation would appear as small as if +it were looked at through the wrong end of a telescope. They were +extremely romantic and were given occasionally to romancing. In fact, it +has been said by those who like to summarise and put a whole history +almost into a nutshell, that the lower orders of the Ojabberaways were +liars by nature and beggars by trade. Allowing for that exaggeration +which is common to all such sayings there is still a residuum of truth +left. Though brave at all times when out of their own country, in it +their courage generally took refuge behind a bank or a stone wall. Their +food was simple and their favourite drink was strong; so much so, that +when taken in too great quantities, it made them perfectly irresponsible +beings and extremely dangerous and disagreeable neighbours. Their women +were the most virtuous in the world and amongst the most lively, and the +men, though in their revenge they would have recourse to the assassin's +dagger, would never assail the chastity of a woman, who might walk from +one end of their island to the other without the slightest fear of +molestation. + +The lower orders of this devil-me-care people were joyful in their rags. +They preferred dirt to cleanliness, and as has been already said, truth +with them was not a highly prized virtue, though if they did lie, they +did it more to please than deceive. The Ojabberaways had taken up +patriotism, and made it into a regular trade, and they had cultivated it +until it had become a most lucrative employment. But with all their +faults, and Heaven only knows they had many, one could not help liking +them. They had worked for the Buccaneer; they had fought for him, and +had helped him in many of his predatory excursions, and they were +inclined, at the time of which we are speaking, like many another +people, to do a little robbing on their own account; but it must be +owned that they were a regular thorn in the Buccaneer's side, and the +thorn was working deeper, and deeper, into his flesh every day he lived. +It must also be owned that in time past he had not treated them +over-well, and retribution was galloping after him in hot haste. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + +What am I? I am a whitened sepulchre; a cloak which covers a multitude +of sins. Who am I? I am a masquerader, a thorough hypocrite and a +Pharisee, for I am a worshipper of forms and ceremonies. I move in the +very best society. I am a stickler for social laws and etiquette, and I +love a lord. I am the guardian of public morals, and in all my dealings +I exercise a strict propriety, and I punish severely, not so much the +crime, as its detection. At church I am regularly to be seen; but I +worship more in public than in private, my devotion being more to +attract the attention of my fellow beings than for the sake of God. If I +pray, it is openly. If I give, it is before the eyes of all men. It is +not so much to me what I am as what I appear to be. On my way home from +church I put on a demure, and downcast look, and enjoy in secret my +worldly thoughts. I contemplate with inward pleasure, though I outwardly +condemn, the shortcomings and failings of my neighbours. I put a check +on honest, robust mirth, for its loud, and consequently vulgar laugh +offends me. I keep aloof from all questionable society. A poor relation +I never see, should he present himself at my door, I promptly have him +kicked into the gutter. I dread the touch of an impure hand; but when in +the society of the great I sometimes condescend to visit the slums of +the poor, though the atmosphere is not congenial to me. An erring sister +I pass by as the priest and Levite did the man who fell amongst thieves. +I am a social tyrant, more feared perhaps than loved, though few are so +independent as not to pay me homage. To the indiscretions of the great I +am a little blind, for the vices of the vulgar crowd I show no pity. The +nakedness of the fashionable world does not distress me; but immodesty +amongst the common herd I visit with my severest displeasure. I keep my +eye on all my neighbours; should any of them trip, unless they are saved +by their position I let slip my dogs and hound the miscreants outside my +social pale. I ride rough shod over society, and no one dares to turn +upon me. Who am I? I am society's uncrowned queen, Respectability. + +It would be difficult to say at what precise period this uncrowned queen +took up her abode under the roof of the bold Buccaneer; but she did, and +winked at his goings on; because she looked upon him not as a robber, +but as a brave sea-king, who went in quest of venture, and was far +removed from the common and vulgar thief. There are other reasons which +perhaps induced her to take him under her protection. The Buccaneering +business was beginning to fall off, probably because other people had +taken to it more thoroughly, and it is well known that competition +interferes considerably with the very best of trades and professions. It +is possible also that our friend having made a large fortune, was +beginning to see the truth of the maxim, that honesty is the best +policy. Property does undoubtedly alter ideas; take the most rabid +socialist, who is for ever preaching a community of interests and endow +him with a fortune, and the burden of his song is speedily changed and +in a most wonderful manner. Before it was, "_I take_," but now it is, +"_I hold_." + +The Buccaneer's wealth had steadily increased, and so had his towns and +cities. The hum from a busy multitude rose up like the murmur of the +distant ocean as it dashed against the rock-bound coast. On his rivers +and bays he had built dockyards, and his shipwrights' hammers could be +heard sounding over the waters far and wide. His ships became celebrated +for their build and rig, and his sailors were considered not only the +bravest, but the most skilled in all the world. + +He was a man of great resource and enterprise, was our Buccaneer, and +when he found the one business falling off he at once turned his hand to +another. If no one wanted either beating or robbing, they wanted their +merchandise carried, so he became a carrier to the universe at large, +and combined with it the business of trader. One thing begets another, +and he soon found out other industries. Tall, tapering chimnies pointed +like great black fingers far into the sky and vomited out thick volumes +of black smoke. Then he built mills, and put up machinery, and the +rattle of thousands of wheels could be heard all over the land, and the +uncrowned queen moved about amongst his people and leavened them. But +even in his peaceful pursuits the natural bent of his genius discovered +itself, for he would frequently, for the want of a more worthy object, +steal an idea from a neighbour and then set himself to work to improve +upon it, and he generally turned it to good account. The Buccaneer's +mind was not inventive, but it was eminently adaptive, and this is very +much better, because it generally manages to suck the marrow out of the +bones of genius. + +Having been the greatest Buccaneer that ever ploughed the briny ocean, +he now became a mighty trader--a fighting one perhaps;--fetched and +carried for the whole world, and became in fact a universal provider. He +often built and fitted out a ship for some neighbour who turned her guns +against him; but he did not mind so long as he got his price, and he not +unfrequently got the ship back into the bargain in fair and open fight. +So things went merrily on. + +As is well known success breeds envy and jealousy, and the Buccaneer's +neighbours soon began to eye his superior good fortune with hatred and +much uncharitableness. They said all kinds of hard things, as people +will. Said his gains were ill gotten. But who will ever believe that +vast wealth has been honestly acquired? Somebody must have been robbed +say they. But if it is only a fool what matter? He and his money must +sooner or later part company. At least, so it is said by those people +who know everything. + +The Buccaneer, of course, put his prosperity down to a different cause. +He was a God-fearing and good man. Went to his church regularly; gave of +what he had to the poor; and sheltered himself under the cloaks of +Respectability and Religion. It is true he could not altogether divest +himself of his buccaneering tendencies, and on one occasion he even +robbed a church, which is considered about the last thing a man ought to +do; but then if he did rob Peter he made ample amends by paying Paul +very handsomely. That the Buccaneer was innately a most pious man there +can be little if any doubt; he had none himself. He loved to carry his +religion with him into his everyday life, and even into his business, +and in this perhaps we see the reason why he selected George of +Cappadocia as his patron saint. He loved to adulterate, as it were, all +his merchandise with it, and he succeeded in a marvellous manner. He was +very fond of texts taken from his Book, and these he would hang up in +all suitable and unsuitable places. He regulated his trading +transactions with his neighbours upon the principle laid down in the +parable of the talents, and he took for his especial guide the man who +turned his five pieces into ten; for he considered he must have been an +excellent man of business; a clever fellow in fact, and one well worthy +to be followed. No doubt the parable above alluded to has carried +comfort to the soul of many a Jew, Turk, and even infidel. Trade is at +all times, and in all places, and by all people, considered for some +reason or the other dirty work, and yet it is the founder of great +families, who, however, try as soon as possible, to blot out all +recollection of the source of their greatness. Trade, too, is the +founder and supporter of great nations. Why then is there such a +prejudice against it? Is it not honest? Is its first principle, namely, +to try and get the better of your neighbour in a bargain, condemned by a +virtuous world? Scarcely, for to do your neighbour, to prevent the +possibility of being done by him, seems to be implanted firmly in the +human breast. It is a principle, in fact, which is well adhered to, and +it helps considerably that law of nature which demands the survival of +the fittest. Perhaps it was as a precautionary measure that the +Buccaneer besprinkled himself, as it were, with holy water, before +entering upon his everyday life. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + +It is said by the wiseacres of the world that you should always set a +thief to catch a thief. Whether it was from a belief in this principle +of nature, or whether it was from an innate liking for the business it +would be difficult to say; but it is a fact that the Buccaneer made +himself for some considerable time a policeman, to keep order amongst +his neighbours, and prevent the strong from robbing and setting upon the +weak. Oh! the trouble the man had! Big fellows pitching into little +ones, to get either their marbles or apples! Then he not only had to +keep his neighbours from robbing each other, but he had to keep them off +his own property; for had they dared they would have stripped him as +naked as the desert is of vegetation. The rascals! + +During the time that the Buccaneer was thus doing policeman's duty he +was generally pretty well employed, for there was always a row on +somewhere; either some hen-roost being robbed, or some pot-house brawl +to be quelled, so that all things considered he was not doing a good +business. Indeed, he was getting for his trouble little more than hard +blows, more kicks than half-pence, in fact. + +After a while he determined to give the policeman's duty up; finding no +doubt that it did not pay; and he was very much too sensible to conduct +business upon such terms for any length of time. So he allowed people to +mind their own business as far as they could, while he paid more +attention to his own. Of course this state of things was not brought +about all at once, for the force of custom is great, and for the life of +him, the Buccaneer could not refrain from having an occasional finger in +the pie. + +The Buccaneer now doffed his pirate's dress, which, though picturesque, +was not altogether respectable. People will have prejudices, and if +they see a man constantly going about with a brace of pistols in his +belt, and a cutlass by his side, they will think that that man is up to +no good; so he hung these weapons up, quite handy, for there was no +knowing when he might want them to keep off robbers either by sea or +land. + +But, gentle reader, do not for a moment imagine that the old man was +dead--not a bit of of it. Beneath the peaceful dress he now assumed +there still beat the old heart. You may cover the lion with the skin of +an ass but you cannot change the nature of the beast. Our friend was as +ready as ever to tread upon his neighbours' toes, and to fight with +anybody who trod upon his. Then the peaceful stillness of his shores +would be broken by the clack, clack of his many windlasses, and the "yo +heave-ho" of his merry men. Up would go his sails, out would go his +guns, poking their black, angry-looking snouts through the port-holes, +as if they sniffed the enemy in the offing. Away went the Buccaneer for +the main. His priests prayed; his merry seamen swore, and his women and +children cried, as it was their duty to do, upon all such important and +interesting occasions. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + +It was the boast of our Buccaneer that he never turned his back upon +either friend or enemy, but in this perhaps he romanced a little, as the +very best and bravest of men will. The accusation was certainly brought +against him in after years. In dwelling upon our own actions a little +latitude is always allowed, and the disposition to boast a little must +be considered to be a pardonable weakness. Indeed, why should we detract +from ourselves when there are so many kind friends and bitter enemies +ever ready to render us the service and all for nothing? + +He did love to dwell upon his past actions, many of which were glorious, +and over his pipe and his glass he would spin many a yarn, and he would +declare that there was no nobler sight than a good sea-fight, no finer +music than the clash of arms, no finer scent than that which came from +the muzzle of a freshly discharged gun. All this is, of course, merely a +matter of opinion. + +If his sons were successful, he rewarded them well, if otherwise they +frequently had to play the part of the scapegoat, and were driven out +into the wilderness of neglect. He worshipped success and there is +nothing like it. It changes the aspect of the blackest deed, and under +its mellowing influence rank rebellion, it is well known, comes out +oftentimes, if not always, in the pure and beautiful light of +patriotism. + +It has been mentioned that our bold Buccaneer had engendered a certain +amount of jealousy amongst his neighbours, who were for ever calling him +hard names, and always retained the privilege of adding to the number. +Such things do not break bones or otherwise injure people, more +especially if nature has endowed them with good, thick, serviceable +skins, and in this respect she had been considerate to the subject of +our history. A good thick skin is, in this world, a tower of strength, +from the top of which the fortunate ones can defy ill-nature. At times, +however, a shaft did pierce through some soft and indifferently guarded +spot in the Buccaneer's armour. He had fought many a good fight both by +sea and land, and against long odds, and he could not bear to think, +that there should be a suspicion even, that he was a bully ever ready to +pitch into one smaller than himself. + +There is something very offensive about the above term. Schoolboys are +for ever requesting their fellows to pitch into boys their own size and +calling them bullies if they will not. But has not the bully been +somewhat put upon, misunderstood, and subjected to unjust obloquy? To +attack one your own size is a mistake and worthy only of the immortal +Don. As a rule for everyday life it would never do, and might be fraught +with injustice. All virtue does not lie on the side of the small boy, +who frequently by his self-sufficiency and conceit deserves a thrashing. +Oftentimes he presumes upon his smallness and makes himself as +disagreeable as a drowsy fly in cold weather. If a small boy be put upon +by one bigger than himself, he can in turn set upon his inferior, and +thus the chain of responsibility can be carried on "ad infinitum," and +in the end justice will be done to all. + +We are all children of nature and she has established bullying as a +principle which is, by the aid of the microscope, to be detected from +the mite to the man. The small of each species which she wishes to +preserve, she guards and surrounds with especial attributes. The skunk +is not a large animal, and yet enemies and friends alike approach him +with extreme respect. Was there ever a nation yet, that was kept from +thrashing and robbing another on account of its size? + +Does the bully never walk about in public offices, or in private +dwelling-houses? Is he never to be found on the domestic hearth? Ask the +humble swain of yonder fair-haired, blue-eyed, and angel-faced damsel, +if he knows what it is to be bullied? Ask the husband of many years +standing if he has ever experienced the feeling? All things have their +allotted functions to perform in this most complex world of ours, and no +doubt the bully is as necessary as many of those minute insects whose +presence is only known by the energy of their actions. So much for the +bully. + +His neighbours also said he was a money-grubber; a mere tradesman, but +withal a proud and even prosperous man. That he could fight well had +been proved on many a battle-field. What then, if now, he made a goodly +income by means of trade? All love this money, yet so many pretend to +despise the means by which it is obtained. To march your thousand into +your neighbour's country; to lay waste his lands, to filch from him his +money, and to ravish, perhaps, his daughters, has ever been considered +more noble and honourable, than to sit quietly at home and allow the +gold to trickle into your coffers through the peaceful channels of +trade. + +We have touched upon this subject with the tip only of our pen before, +for we fear pollution. The trader is looked upon askance. The uncrowned +queen of society turns up her dainty nose at him. The poor man knows it, +and as soon as he can hides all trace of his calling. Frequently enrols +himself in some civic guard and calls himself a colonel, and tries to +hide under his military plumes all signs of the desk and high stool. +Then as to our Buccaneer's pride. Such a thing is, no doubt, to be +condemned, but its next-of-kin, namely, self-respect, is very much to be +esteemed. The Buccaneer maintained that his pride amounted to this and +nothing more, and he gloried in it; took it with him everywhere, more +especially to his church. When he prayed he might humble himself before +his God, but as regards his fellow-man he must hold his head up and +claim that consideration which he considered his due. If you wished to +see pride fully displayed, there could be no better place than the +debatable ground of a church pew in the Buccaneer's island. + +When his sons visited his neighbours or any parts called foreign, they +were perhaps a little haughty and had a good-natured contempt for the +people they found themselves amongst. But that they did not hail from +their own fair land was, however, more their misfortune than their +fault. Perhaps it is the vulgar ostentation that sometimes accompanies +the acquirement of great wealth that renders it so offensive to the less +fortunate. + +Pride, no doubt, is not a Christian virtue, yet have I found no +Christian entirely without it. The Buccaneer's High Priest and other +great church dignitaries, were they humble? Yes, humble enough if you +paid them the respect they thought their due; if you approached the +ecclesiastical breeches and gaiters with modest diffidence. Did not +contradict them--not the breeches and gaiters, but the divine beings +inside them--or doubt the superiority of their learning, wisdom, and +virtue, or presume to make use of that intellect which God has given +you. Humble enough then; but your ordinary, and sometimes your +extraordinary priests cannot brook opposition. Admit also that our +Buccaneer was great, good, rich, generous, brave, and a few other things +barely worth the mentioning, and he was humble enough, heaven knows. +What he was almost entirely without, was that offensive pride which apes +humility. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +In our preliminary remarks it is necessary to mention two individuals +who played a conspicuous part in the Buccaneer's realms. + +We have already mentioned one honest sailor, the old coxs'n, Jack +Commonsense by name; but there were two women, not to say a third, who +also had a permanent abode in his island. The one was called Patriotism, +the other Liberty. The first of these was allowed to live for the most +part in neglect, and though at times she was made much of, her position +was little better than that of a beggar woman, to-day she would sit at +the table of the great, and be taken into their councils, to-morrow she +would be thrust aside, and occasionally thrown into prison. She was made +a shuttle-cock for the battledoor of Madam Party, who was the other +celebrity above alluded to, and who pretty well ruled the roast in the +Buccaneer's island. Everything had to give way to her, whilst except on +extraordinary occasions the beggar woman, Patriotism, was thought but +little of. Everybody swore they loved her; but men were deceivers ever, +if not liars. + +With Liberty it was quite a different tale, she could do pretty well +what she liked, and had over our Buccaneer for good and for evil a +wonderful influence. At her instigation he allowed the island to be made +an asylum for rascals of every kind, who having been kicked out of their +own homes, came over and plotted, and sowed broadcast among his people +the most pernicious seeds, which bore their fruit in due time. Indeed, +Madam Liberty played the part of a veritable wanton, and flirted with +blackguards of the deepest dye. The consequence of this was, that one +fine day, she gave birth to a boy, named Demos, the father being King +Mob. This boy grew to be a most unruly fellow, and caused much trouble +wherever he went. + +It is said that neither man nor beast can stand prosperity for any +length of time, the horse becomes restive, and occasionally kicks his +stall to pieces, or otherwise misbehaves himself. Even the ass; the +gentle and long-suffering ass, if too well fed, disturbs the whole +country round, braying out in his husky tones of repletion his +discontent at the very best of corn, when at one time he would have been +glad enough to fill his stomach with thistles. So it was with Madam +Liberty. It was through her that the Buccaneer first opened his doors to +a host of cheap-Jacks, and to merchants and pedlars from all parts of +the world, until in the streets of his principal sea-port towns and +chief city, could be seen a strange mixture of costumes and features. +Swarthy Orientals with their finely cut profiles, and proud bearing. +Broad-faced, oval-eyed Mongols, who always look half asleep, but are +generally found to be very wide awake. Flat-nosed, thick-lipped, +woolly-headed negroes, and as a matter of course, the ubiquitous Jew was +well represented. The Jew is found everywhere, but stay, exception must +be made to the northern-most part of the Buccaneer's island. A Jew could +not live there, not on account of the severity of the climate, though +that was bad enough; but on account of the habits of the people. It is +said by some that the object of the Jew is to skin the Christian and the +Gentile, with the view of buying back Jerusalem, or, perhaps, the whole +of the Holy Land. Many wish that this laudable desire may be +accomplished, and that quickly. With all these different nationalities +it was a wonder that the Buccaneer retained his individuality, or even +kept his language from corruption, but he did, though a broken patter +often saluted the ears, while the signs of many different races were +stamped upon the faces of the people. There is a belief in the world +that mongrels and cross-breeds will not fight. This is a mistake. Our +Buccaneer was made up of ever so many nationalities, and yet he had +fought in his day well enough. Showing, indeed, an absolute love for the +fray. May not the very best blood, of the bluest kind, which flows +through the veins of some haughty descendant, have taken its rise in +some sturdy cur of low degree, who snapped and snarled himself to the +front? + +It would be as well to mention that our bold Buccaneer had had a quarrel +in early times with one of his sons, who had emigrated and established +himself, after the fashion peculiar to his father, on a large and +fertile tract of land in the far west. This son, who was called +Jonathan, was a tall, lanky, raw boned fellow, with a good head upon his +shoulders and a strong will of his own. Modest diffidence had never been +a stumbling block in his way. As to whose fault the quarrel was, well, +some said it was entirely the old man's, but it is probable there was +much to be said on both sides, and that Jonathan was not altogether +blameless. At any rate blows were struck, and Jonathan handled his +father somewhat roughly, and so there was an estrangement, and a +separation, and Jonathan set up business for himself upon the old man's +lines; except perhaps he was not quite so religious, and a great deal +sharper. + +Jonathan did wonderfully well. He had a keen eye for the main chance, +and at driving a bargain, or getting the better of a friend, he could +not be beaten. In this, to make use of an expression of his own, he +pretty well licked creation. In his early days, he was not altogether +scrupulous; but what he called sharp practice, other people might put +down as something approaching more closely to dishonesty. The proof of +the pudding is in the eating. Jonathan prospered, and cheating, it is +well known, never does, so he must have been an honest fellow. He loved +to do his old father; to get the better of him in a bargain, to get his +money out of him either by fair means or foul. Talk to him of honour and +he would laugh in your face at your squeamishness. He had many of the +eminent qualities of his parent, had Jonathan. He generally managed to +keep what he laid his hands upon, and as the saying is, he was not +altogether the man to drink with in the dark. By trade he was a packman, +or a cheap Jack. + +Between Jonathan and the Ojabberaways there was a great friendship. The +former used to send over money to the latter to help them in their +campaign against the old gentleman. Then the Ojabberaways used to plot, +and make infernal machines in Jonathan's country, and come over to the +Buccaneer's island, where they frequently carried out their designs, and +occasionally used the knife into the bargain. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +The family of the Buccaneer in time increased to such an extent that it +began to overflow the narrow limits of his island home. His sons +therefore carried their zeal and energy and their manners and customs to +unknown countries. Under their hands forests disappeared, lands became +cultivated, and the aborigines changed their habits or cleared out. It +was no business of the young chips of this ancient block, that the soil +had already its owners, if not its tillers. If these people did not like +the new order of things, they had an alternative. Of course the young +chips would commit no act of flagrant injustice, for such would have +been against the teachings of their parent's Book, but it was generally +noticed that where they went they staid; and that they succeeded in the +long run in clearing the land of all rubbish, using for this purpose the +toes of their boots as well as their hands. Should the aborigines elect +to stay, they could; but then they were made clearly to understand that +they must live respectable lives. If they had anything to sell the +Buccaneers bought, putting upon the articles their own price, for it +could not be expected that the simple children of the soil could know +the value of things. They generally gave about half of what was asked, +and when the natives, to correct this, put on, to begin with, double the +price they intended to take, the Buccaneers were horrified at such +innate depravity, which could, as they thought, only come direct from +the devil himself. The antidote was their Book. This they immediately +presented to these vicious, ignorant, and immoral people, with many of +the pages turned down for reference. + +Wherever the Buccaneer's sons went they always took a cargo of their +intoxicating drinks. These they sold to the gentle savage who showed his +readiness to be civilized by getting as drunk as he could, as often as +he could, thereby manifesting again his shocking depravity. The +Buccaneer at home, when he heard of all this, turned up his eyes to +heaven in pious horror, and immediately sent out a cargo of missionaries +to counteract the evil effects of his cargoes of drink. These good +people wrestled with the devil; prayed for the savages and preached to +them, gave them more Bibles and explained it to them; told them to fear +God; to shun the devil and all his works; begged them to give up their +wicked ways and to lead new lives; to be honest and just in all their +dealings; not to be extortionists; not to seek after riches, for that +heaven was for the poor. Begged them to do unto others as they would be +done by. In the meantime the Buccaneer's sons gave a practical +illustration of this beautiful doctrine by selling strong drink and +other merchandise at double and treble their value. + +These missionaries were godly, self-sacrificing men, but their teachings +to the untutored mind must have sounded strange, supplemented as it was +by the actions of the Buccaneer's traders. Then again, they found that +rival sects, although they professed to follow the same great Master, +preached rival doctrines, and hated each other with a peculiar fervour. +At one time they painted God as the God of love, at another time they +implanted fear and horror in the heart by depicting Him as a revengeful +and malicious demon, full of the worst of human failings. They taught +these simple savages that life was a kind of tight rope, along which +they had to walk; holding in their hands the balancing pole of religion. +If they slipped, which likely as not they would, then there was God's +rival underneath ready with his net to catch them, and to throw them +into a fire that is never quenched. + +It could not be expected that the ignorant savage would understand, all +at once, the many nice distinctions of modern civilization. No doubt it +must have seemed strange to him that the Buccaneer, in the face of what +he preached, seldom went away empty-handed--taking indeed at times a +goodly patch of land, just by way of recompense; for it was generally +found, that, wherever his sons placed their feet, some of the soil +always stuck to the soles of them. + +Thus were the first seeds of civilization sown; but other and better +things were to follow. The nakedness of the savage had to be clothed, +and the long black coat and tall hat of respectability had to be +introduced. The result of all this was not far to find. It was a natural +consequence; for where the Buccaneer found simple human beings, +worshipping God after their own way, dark if you like, but at least +honest, he frequently left an accomplished lot of hypocrites, drunkards, +liars, thieves and rascals generally, who having cast off the few rags +of virtue which their own benighted religion had clothed them in, had +put on a garment made up of most of the vices of civilization, and only +stitched together with the thinnest threads of Christian virtues, which +threads were liable to snap at any time. Of course this was not the +fault of the Buccaneer's sons. It was entirely due to the wretched soil +they had to work upon; you cannot grow figs on thistles, nor can you +make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. + +What is civilization, do you ask? It is a veneer, sometimes thick and +sometimes thin, which is thrown over human nature by culture and what +not. From under this cloak the old Adam will from time to time peep out +and take a good look round. Did he not peep out to some purpose amongst +one of the Buccaneer's neighbours, and playing the part of Cain did he +not draw his knife, called the guillotine, across many a brother's +throat, kicking them unshriven into eternity? It is right to give every +one their due, and it must be owned that the Buccaneer's footsteps were +not always written in dust. He often found a people at war amongst +themselves, and tearing each other to pieces. These he brought under +subjection and gave them law and order, and if he could have kept his +sons from selling strong liquors to them, and teaching them some of the +pernicious principles of trade, he would have done very much good, but +with his Book he took his bottle, and the latter was more readily +received than the former. + +It sometimes so happened that the ignorance of the heathen was so great, +and their minds so clouded by prejudice, that they misunderstood +altogether the nature of the missionary. Experience had taught them that +the Buccaneer's Bible was generally the harbinger of the Buccaneer's +sword, which he cleared the way for the Buccaneer's man of business, +who, it was found, generally got the advantage in any bargain that was +made. What wonder then, if the simple children of nature, the gentle +savage, mistook food that was meant for the mind, as food meant for the +body, and consumed the missionary instead of his teachings? This is an +expensive way of converting a people, but it might be expected that a +devoured missionary would not be without its effect upon the consumer. +The disposition is naturally affected by the state of the body, the +latter by the food that is taken in to nourish it. A violent fit of +indigestion might bring on a deep remorse, and then the body would be in +a proper state to receive the good seed, which taking root in the heart +of one man even, might spring up and spread amongst a whole people. +There is consolation here for those who have lost a friend or relation +in the above manner. + +By the simple methods thus related the Buccaneer managed to get an +outlet for his surplus population, and he then increased his dominions, +until it was his boast that the sun never set upon them. There was not a +clime too inhospitable for him. He conquered not only the people but +every natural disadvantage. His sons too travelled into every land as +the bearers of the veneer called civilization. Their footprints could be +traced upon the desert sands of Arabia. The ring of their rifles was to +be heard in the remotest parts of India; on the wild prairies of +America, and on the untrodden plains of Africa. They loved to beard the +lion and the tiger in their native lairs; to shoot the alligator on the +banks of the Nile, and the wild goats high up on the slopes of the vast +snow-capped Himalayas. This to them was a pleasurable recreation, while +for pastime they loved to climb the highest ice-bound peaks, and the +mangled corpse of some adventurous comrade lying at the foot of some +precipice in no way damped their ardour. They recovered the body, sang a +pean in praise of his temerity, gently placed him in the tomb of +oblivion, where so many good people lie, and then commenced their +dangerous climb. They were a brave and adventurous lot were the sons of +this bold Buccaneer. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + +Our Buccaneer from his earliest times had always kept his Sabbaths in a +manner peculiar to himself. He put on his best clothes and a long hat, +shut up all his shops but kept open his pot and public houses, and +allowed no other recreations than going to church and drinking. Six days +had his people to enjoy themselves and his tradesmen to adulterate their +different articles of merchandise, the seventh day he decreed should be +given up to worship and to pious meditations. All his museums were shut +up and all his picture galleries were closed, and his chief city would +have been like a city of the dead, if it had not been for the howling +mobs that occupied his parks, and other public places, and either +shouted sedition or spouted religion. Entire freedom of speech he +considered absolutely necessary to the entire freedom of the subject. +Many of his people who were not thus engaged passed their time in an +inoffensive manner in their favourite pot-house and boosed their holiday +away. This from a pecuniary point of view was very much more profitable +to the Buccaneer than the opening of any of his museums or libraries; +for from drink he derived a goodly income. It is sad, but it must be +owned that this rich man had his poor, and where there is poverty there +is discontent. The skirts of his garments did trail in the mud. The most +distressing thing about this Poverty is that she will bring forth and +increase, in an altogether unnecessary manner, thereby providing food +for the jail, the hangman, and in the end, the devil. + +Some sinned in this respect who ought by example to have taught a better +lesson. It was no uncommon thing in the Buccaneer's island for one of +his priests to ascend the pulpit, and preach from there the efficacy, +and even necessity, of practising self denial. He would then descend +from his throne and point a moral to adorn his tale, by marrying and +bringing into the world a number of children that he had no visible +means of supporting; your priest's quiver is generally full, and he +seems at times to have a beautiful faith in God's mercy. Thinking, +perhaps, that as He fed the Israelites in the days of old, so would He +feed him and his numerous progeny now, with manna fresh from heaven. + +It was said that our Buccaneer frequently forgot to look at home, and +raising his eyes over the heads of his own poor, fixed his sympathetic +gaze upon other people's. Perhaps he did experience a certain amount of +gratification at seeing his name at the head of subscription lists, when +any of his neighbours suffered from either fire, famine, or pestilence; +and to clothe the naked savage of the sunny south, where clothing, +except the smallest amount for decency's sake, is absolutely +unnecessary, seemed to be to him a more meritorous action than the +mending of the rags of his own poverty stricken people. + +Then as if he had not enough poor of his own, all his neighbours paid a +flattering tribute to his good nature and generosity, by emptying their +human sweepings into his dust bin; until in time his island became--and +he prided himself upon the fact--an asylum for all the cut-throats, +thieves, blackguards, assassins and idiots of the whole world. Madam +Liberty had a good deal to say to this. But our Buccaneer, or fighting +trader as he had become, was generous even to his own poor in a +spasmodic kind of way, and when in his church he heard the oft told +story of Dives and Lazarus, it made him sympathetic and opened the +bowels of his compassion, and could he have laid hands upon that rascal +Dives he would have been made to suffer. This Dives does not appear, +however, to have been a monster of iniquity. The only sin he apparently +committed, was to fare sumptuously every day, and clothe himself in fine +linen. Who amongst us will not do the same if he has but the chance? Do +modern Christians live the life of anchorites? Does Dives never sit at +the priest's table? Did the Buccaneer's priesthood, from the head down, +eschew fine linen, and even at times gorgeous raiments? Do they turn +their faces against the luxury of the table on which delicacies +temptingly repose. Suppose the Buccaneer on his way home from his +devotions had found Lazarus on his door-step, would he have taken him +in? not a bit of it. He would have sent him quickly about his business, +and if he did not hurry himself the officer of the law would have been +called in and Lazarus would have been marched away as a rogue and +vagabond. Would the Buccaneer's high priest or any other of his +ecclesiastics have taken Lazarus in and washed his sores; tended to him, +and fed him? Yes, yes, but times have changed and the story of Lazarus +does very well as an example to hold up before the people for pious +admiration, but Lazarus' case does not apply to our present high state +of civilization, with all its complex social machinery for the benefit +of the poor. The proper place for Lazarus now would be the sick ward of +a poor house. + +Having thus briefly sketched the early history of our Buccaneer or +fighting trader; his conversion, the manufacturing of his religion, and +the method he had of persuading the heathen to become Christians, it is +necessary to relate how he conducted his business. His old sea-faring +instincts stuck to him, and he moored on the river that flowed past his +principal city, a ship which he called the Ship of State, and by her +side he moored another, which he called his Church Ship, and these two +rode side by side and stemmed the current of time. + +It could not be said that either of these ships were rapid sailers. +Indeed, both of them were somewhat bluff in the bows, but they were +excellent sea boats, and the old Ship of State had weathered many a +storm, and had experienced in her day much foul weather. Her figure-head +was a crown. Her crew all told numbered some six hundred and seventy +hands, and was divided into two watches, Starboard and Port, each having +its captain, lieutenants, petty officers, able and very ordinary seamen, +cooks, bottle-washers, swabbers, and adventurers. Of the latter there +were a goodly few in each watch, and they had but one star to steer by; +but that one was of the very first magnitude. These adventurers were a +very busy body of men, and by keeping up a great noise, and pushing +themselves to the front, they tried very hard to feather their nests, or +drop into some well-paid but sinecure office. They were frequently +successful. + +In the after part of the Ship of State the Buccaneer had placed his +second or Upper Chamber, into which he sent all those of his sons who +had done well. Here they enjoyed in peace and extreme quiet their +well-earned repose. When thus shelved they were given titles, and were +frequently endowed out of the public purse. In early times some of the +members of the Upper Chamber had endowed themselves, but there were very +few of the old stock left. The principle that our Buccaneer had of +promoting his sons to the Upper Chamber was peculiar. It was not based +upon personal merit, nor at all times upon services rendered to the +State. Success in trade, or fidelity to a party, was generally +considered to be, by him, of the very first consideration. + +The power that this Upper Chamber once had was extremely great, but now +all this had changed, and the old ship was worked entirely, or nearly +so, by whichever watch happened to be on duty. Besides, as will be +shown, the Upper Chamber had the misfortune to fall under the +displeasure of one of the ship's crew. + +The Buccaneer dearly loved a lord, no matter whether he was spiritual or +temporal, and the women, with few exceptions, adored them without +distinction. There is perhaps too much obloquy bestowed upon the toady +and tuft hunter. Why should they be so despised? To love and revere the +great is surely a commendable action. Are they not the salt of the +earth? Sometimes, indeed, the salt has a little lost its flavour, but +what then? Much that is good must still remain, to which homage is due. +It is the birthright of those who, by their superior intelligence, +wisdom, and virtue, have placed themselves high up on pedestals, for +common humanity to bow down and worship them. + +Who does not love a lord? This esteem for the great is universal. Even +the democratic cheap-Jack Jonathan dearly loved a lord; but as he had +none of his own he had to make the most he could out of other people's, +and he did. It was thought by many, that such a clever fellow as this +Jonathan would not be long without lords of his own; but that he would +manufacture a few out of the cheap shoddy that he always had on hand. + +The Upper Chamber ought to have been extremely wise, and their councils +even inspired, for their deliberations were sanctified and leavened by +the presence amongst them of a certain number of Lords Spiritual. This +gave a sort of Divine authority to the great affairs of State. The +priest's kingdom is not of this world; it is therefore all the more +wonderful how in every age, and in every clime, he becomes clothed, +hemmed in, and perhaps hampered by temporal power, which no doubt he +wears as a garment of sackcloth and ashes. + +The Church Hulk, which was moored on that side of the Ship of State away +from the shore, was commanded by the Buccaneer's High Priest, one +celebrated for his piety and learning. His crew was numerous and very +able, though at times a mutinous spirit showed itself on board when the +authority of the High Priest was openly defied; but then it must be +remembered that the church was a church militant, and the priests true +chips of the fighting old Buccaneer block. The power of the Buccaneer's +priesthood grew, and waxed in strength, and gained such an influence +over him that he was not allowed to do anything scarcely without their +sanction, and before he set out on any of his predatory expeditions he +always asked the blessing and the prayers of the church, and was very +seldom if ever refused. This practice is followed even now amongst +brigands, in certain parts. These picturesque cut-throats say their +prayers before their favourite shrine, and then sally out, slit a gullet +and steal a purse with a clear conscience, and take some of the spoil +back--if they be pious brigands--to their favourite shrine. + +In time the Buccaneer's State Church became so extremely rich that +envious eyes were cast in her direction. Those on board of the old +Church Hulk denied her wealth, and they should have known. Some of her +crew were poor enough, heaven knows, and the Great Hat was constantly +sent round. The priest, he is by nature a beggar. It is perhaps one of +the few relics we have of that time, when a pure religion was planted by +a small band of mendicants, who had neither shoes upon their feet, nor +money in their scrips. + +How beautiful is poverty at a distance. Songs have been sung in its +praise, but no one likes it. It pinches so, and in the Buccaneer's +island it was as the mark of Cain. There is something to be said on its +side though, for is it not written? "Happy are the poor, for theirs is +the kingdom of heaven." Twice happy are they, for not only is theirs the +kingdom of heaven, but they are free from the social parasite who never +leaves the rich man alone. One attacks him and begs, because he has a +large family born to genteel poverty. Another has a church to be roofed +or renovated, or some distressing object of charity which he would +willingly hang round the neck of the rich man instead of his own, until +the rich man being tormented by a thousand and one importunate beggars +of high and low degree, feels inclined to exclaim, "Oh! unhappy indeed +am I, for not only is it harder for me to enter the kingdom of heaven, +than it is for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, but also on +earth I am not unfrequently set upon, and despitefully used by the +common and vulgar thief, while the hand of the whole world is against +me." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + +On the mainmast of the Ship of State, high up above the domes and +minarets of the Buccaneer's chief city, he had placed his crow's nest or +look-out tub, where the look-out man was stationed. This man had, as a +matter of course, the usual number of eyes; but one was an official eye, +the vision of which was peculiar; for it could see into far distant +lands if so inclined; but if not, there could be no eye more blind, not +being able to discover what was going on under the nose placed by nature +to its immediate front. + +Then the Buccaneer had wonderful inventions, by which he could +communicate with all his foreign relations and receive in turn what +information it was their pleasure to give. + +The way the Buccaneer filled up appointments on board of his Ship of +State was peculiar to himself. Adaptability, or knowledge of the +particular department, was of little or no consideration in his eyes. If +the hole to be filled was a round one, he took a square man and jammed +him into it, and left him to fit in as best he could. This might appear +difficult, and even detrimental to outsiders, but to those accustomed to +the peculiar system, things soon settled down and worked pretty well. + +He had a distinct objection to anything new. Change had to be brought +about slowly and by degrees. If there was any haste in the matter, he +started up at once, took fright and cried out "revolution!" and then any +necessary reform was thrust back and considerably delayed. He loved +patchwork. His Ship of State was patched. His Church Hulk was patched, +though of course this was not admitted by the generality of her crew, +who declared that the order they sailed by had come down without +interruption from the fountain-head; but there were differences of +opinion as to this even on board the Church Ship, and sometimes even +heated discussions took place on other matters when charity, and +brotherly love, were either sent below, or kicked over the ship's side +for the time being. + +The Buccaneer loved to mend and mend, not from any love of economy, for +his public expenditure far exceeded that of any of his neighbours, and +he gloried in the fact. If some article of his own manufacture wanted +repairing he would not take any of his own material, but he would borrow +or buy from his neighbours, and clap on over his own product something +peculiar to other people. It was nothing to him whether the thing suited +or not, he still held on the even tenor of his way with a doggedness +that was in him almost a virtue, because it overcame so many +difficulties. In course of time he became famed as the very best tinker +that the world had ever produced; and this trade he guarded with a +jealous care and kept it entirely to himself. + +Then the way he had of relieving his watches was peculiar. He had no +regular shifts, but when one of the watches displeased him he just +kicked them over the ship's side and sent the whole crew about their +business, and a fresh lot had to be selected by the people on shore. It +was also another peculiarity of his that whenever the most learned, and +wisest of his sons, could not solve some difficult question of State, he +appealed at once to the most ignorant, and generally abided by their +decision. On such occasions his old coxswain took the helm and generally +brought him successfully out of his difficulties. + +During the time the crew were on shore soliciting the suffrages of the +people they were ready to promise almost anything, if they were only +sent on board in charge, but memories were often proved to be very +short. The crew often abused each other soundly, making use at times +even of very bad language. This was in a measure to be attributed to +those who managed to creep on board amongst the crew, who had not all +the characteristics of gentlemen; and also to the establishment amongst +the Buccaneer's people of a new university called Billingsgate, the +language and manners taught at his two ancient seats of learning not +being strong enough for the necessities of the age. There were always +Ojabberaways on board, and some of these had neither the refinement of +manner, nor the delicacy of feelings peculiar to the thorough bred +gentleman. + +At one time the old Ship of State was the scene of polished debate and +pointed epigram, while the satire was delicate and keen; but now things +had materially changed and the language too often descended to gross +personal abuse. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + +The means the Buccaneer had of gaining his information, namely, through +the medium of his daily press, was confusing in the extreme; for all his +papers took sides and showed the fighting instincts of the head of the +family. Columns were written upon the same subject which was so decked +out in party colours as to baffle all efforts at recognition. Each paper +acted the part of an advocate, and by fixing upon the weak parts of an +adversary tried to conceal its own shortcomings. Under these +circumstances it was very difficult, if indeed it were possible, to find +out the true merits of a case. + +Every day a battle raged, and frequently an opponent was allowed neither +learning nor knowledge, while occasionally he was denied common honesty +and even decency. The gentlemen of the Buccaneer's press were a mighty +power. Fall under their displeasure, and it would be wise to make peace +with your enemy quickly, or you would have a whole phalanx of quills +charged to the very tips with ink, levelled at you. Kings even were +censured and nations chided in the most patronising manner; being +occasionally set at each other's throats, causes for quarrel being found +when none really existed. And often where a sore existed between two +people, it was not allowed quietly to heal and sink into the regions of +forgetfulness, but was kept open until perchance it ended in an open +rupture. Then having done this, the press frequently sat in judgment +upon the belligerents and censured them for their blood-guiltiness; and +by persisting in being present at the row, and chronicling the actions +of each combatant, the gentlemen of the press frequently did +considerable damage to both. + +As information could not possibly be legitimately acquired to keep so +many papers going it had to be manufactured. Then when a false rumour +was started, there was soon a hue and cry after it, and it was either +run to earth, or caught and worried to death in the open. Although the +dailies gave themselves great airs and many graces, posing often enough +even as prophets, they were a mighty power for good. They often +redressed wrongs; brought abuses to light, and kept a rod in pickle for +the back of the evil doer. The press was not, however, without its +inconveniences, and even evils. Taking a page out of Jonathan's book, +the Buccaneer had allowed the system of interviewing celebrities to +creep in. Distinguished persons were considered to be fair game, and +they were badgered, and bored to disclose their inmost secrets. What +they had had for breakfast, how they conducted themselves in private +life, whether they ate, drank, slept and dressed as other people, or +whether they had any peculiar way of their own, was considered to be of +the utmost interest to the people. The method by which we conduct our +everyday life is somewhat confined. We can only sit in one way, which we +may perhaps slightly vary; but the centre of gravity must be kept within +certain small limits. As a rule, there is but one mode of getting into +bed, namely, on either one side or the other, though we have known cases +in which the individual preferred to crawl in at the foot. + +Amongst other inconveniences must be named the newsvendor, who every +day, and at all hours up to late at night, rushed through the street and +cried up his wares in tones perfectly unintelligible, and which ranged +from the shrill pipe of the tender-aged gutter-grub, to the deep +gin-and-water voice of the full-grown and matured drunkard. + +High above the heads of the rest of the dailies stood the Great +Thunderer, as it was called. Every day it belched out dense heavy +columns from its paper throat, and it ploughed in amongst the smaller +fry and did occasionally great damage, this big gun worked upon a pivot, +and by the direction of its smoke you could tell which way the wind of +public opinion was likely to blow. + +Once a week the weeklies sat in judgment upon the dailies. The +monthlies pitched into both of these, and four times a year the giant +quarterlies strode in amongst the combatants, and dealt destruction all +round; overcoming all obstacles by the sheer weight of their columns. It +was said that one of these big bullies killed a man once, but this is +one of those assertions that requires confirmation. What one paper +affirmed, another denied, and that which to begin with was tolerably +clear, soon became overclouded with prejudice and party feeling. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + +As is frequently the case in histories strides have to be taken, and +bridges have to be made over the river of time, so that we may walk over +in ease and comfort from one age to another. + +At the time of which we now wish to speak, the Starboard watch was in +charge of the old Ship of State. The captain of this watch was one +William Dogvane, a celebrated sailor, and as shifty a salt--so it was +said--as ever trod a plank. His first lieutenant was one Harty, as fine +a sailor as ever chewed a quid, or drank a tot of grog. A good hand all +round and a thorough gentleman. Then there were the other officers and +petty officers, of whom it is not necessary to make particular mention. +Strange as it may appear, some of the foremost hands will play a +conspicuous part in this history. To begin with, there was Pepper, the +cook of the Starboard watch, a great admirer, and supporter, of Captain +Dogvane's. Then there was Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher, Joseph Chips +the carpenter, and Charlie Chisel his mate, all of the same watch. +Pepper was a merry clever little fellow, full of quips, jeers, and +jokes, but like most cooks he was a bit uncertain in his temper. Put him +out, and stand clear, or you would have a bucket of water over you, +either hot or cold, dirty or clean, just whichever happened to be +nearest, before you knew where you were, and from his language, a +stranger might infer that he had taken high honours at the university of +Billingsgate. He was a great admirer of the Ojabberaways. + +The cook had a keen eye for the failings of others, but he was a merry +fellow with all, and excellent company, and though no one really +believed in him, all were ready enough to laugh, either with him, or at +him. It is true that such people do not, as a rule, figure in history, +but such things have been known. A dancer was once made prefect of +Rome. Besides your cook is no ordinary individual, for indirectly he +rules the universe. He is the foundation of peace and happiness, and the +cause often of strife, sorrow, and great suffering. A bloody war even +may be indirectly the consequence of the indiscretion, carelessness, or +want of skill on the part of some cook who has to prepare the food for +some kingly stomach. A little too much of one thing, or a little +skimpiness in another, brings on a fit of indigestion, accompanied by +mental irritation, and general loss of temper. Ministers are abused, and +have to bow their heads before the fury of the royal anger. The bearing +of some rival potentate assumes an altogether offensive aspect. Heads +are cut off; the prison opens its gates, and many poor subjects are +thrust in to contemplate in silence the fickleness of fortune, or their +own sins. Wars are declared. Battalions are ranged against battalions, +and human blood flows like water, and all this commotion springs, may +be, from the kitchen, where the cook sits calmly; bakes, stews, and +fries as if nothing had happened. + +Most assuredly the cook holds a most responsible position in the world, +and it is not too much to say that the safety, honour, welfare, and +integrity, yes, and even the happiness and intelligence of a people, +depend in a great measure upon the head of the kitchen. The cook should, +therefore, take his place amongst the high ministers of every state, for +it is in his power to do far more good, and to give far greater pleasure +to the many, than your prating philanthropist, who with meddling and +muddling manners, large heart, but, generally speaking, small head, +tries his best to make paupers of a people, and do harm generally. Your +cook is the prime minister to the greatest potentate in the whole world, +namely, king stomach, and therefore your cook, if he be a wise, skilful, +and virtuous cook, should hold a high place in every community. My lord +bishop do you cavil at my statement about his majesty, king stomach? +Does he not dwell in the monastery? Does he not sit even at the priest's +table, and say to the company, eat, drink, and be merry? Does the priest +more than the layman turn his back upon the succulent oyster, the +truffled turkey, the barded quail, the plover's egg, which may have +cost a shilling, though the honest tradesman only perhaps gave a penny +for the rook's egg, which he substitutes for it? Is the voice of our +mighty potentate never heard in the bishop's palace? The priest is but a +man. True, but too often he looks upon himself as the Lord's anointed +who is to be approached with respect, and listened to with reverence, +when from his throne, the pulpit, he preaches a self denial to others, +that he does not find it convenient to practice himself. + +As the Port watch were not on deck at the time of which we are speaking, +it is not necessary to say much about the men that composed it, further +than to mention that Bob Mainstay was the captain, and a most +experienced seaman, quite equal, many thought, to old Bill Dogvane, and +very much more certain, though he had not Bill's command of language. +Indeed, few had, for Bill could spin a yarn many fathoms long. The first +lieutenant of the Port watch was Ben Backstay, a safe steady going +seaman, universally respected, and both he and his captain had had no +finishing touches put on by the university of Billingsgate, and in +consequence they were courteous gentlemen. The captain was perhaps a +little imperious and keen of speech. Then, of course, there were all the +other officers and able seamen, and there was a merry, clever little +fellow, who though only a middy, must not be lost sight of: for he was +destined to rise step by step, and even jumps to a high position in the +old Ship of State. And he will play no mean part in our present history. +Random Jack as he was called, delighted annoying old Dogvane, in fact, +he buzzed about the whole of the Starboard watch like a mosquito, and +was the merriest, and most cheery little devil that ever put on a +sailor's jacket. People at first laughed and jeered at the middy, but he +cared not. Only those laugh in the end who win, and he was contented to +bide his time, and through fair weather and foul, in ups and downs, he +never lost confidence in himself, and herein lies the mainspring of +greatness and very much of the world's success. + +It has been shown that the old fighting instinct of the Buccaneer was +present amongst all his children, and that it was not absent even on +board of the Church Hulk. No wonder then that it showed itself to a +marked degree amongst his ship's crew, which, however, had not as yet +advanced so far as to run an opponent through with three feet of cold +steel or plug him with an ounce of lead, like some of his neighbours; +nor was his ship's deck strewn about with spittoons, like, it was said, +Jonathan's at one time was. In a matter of expectoration Jonathan was +great. A spittoon, if properly aimed at the head of an antagonist, +political or otherwise, might bring a debate to a speedy, and perhaps a +satisfactory conclusion. + +Though Captain William Dogvane swore he was essentially a man of peace, +his life proved him to be a man of war, and he displayed a marvellous +aptitude for getting into rows and then swearing that they were none of +his making. Then if he found that he was getting the worst of a fight he +would at once give in; own himself in the wrong, and apologize all +round, and sometimes tread on peoples' toes in doing so, and +consequently getting more abuse than thanks for his disinterestedness. +Dogvane said it was a noble and magnanimous thing to own oneself in the +wrong, and so save bloodshed; but his enemies said it was generally due +solely to cowardice, and they had some reason for saying this, as far as +Dogvane was concerned, for he never owned himself wrong until he had +been two or three times beaten in the open, and then the enormity of the +action--not the beating--became apparent to him. This shifty old salt +would at once ware ship, and put all the blame for everything upon the +other watch, the members of which, if they only did a half of what old +Dogvane accredited them with, deserved to be hanged, drawn, and +quartered. This skilled old sailor could sail on any tack and before any +wind. In his lifetime he had been many things and had served in both +watches; but there was nothing out of the way in this, as it was no +unusual thing for a man to commence in the Starboard watch and finish up +in the Port, and the reverse. Then old Dogvane could do almost anything. +There was nothing too great for him to tackle. He could talk for hours +upon the Mosaic Cosmogony. Science would try to knock him over with +facts; but Dogvane would, to his own entire satisfaction, prove that +science was altogether wrong. He would discuss religion, philosophy, +ethics, in fact, anything, with any past master in the craft, and he had +the quality, said to be peculiar to the race from which he sprang, of +never knowing when he was beaten. + +The Ojabberaways who served on board the old Ship of State were for the +most part in the Starboard watch, and if by any chance they changed over +to the other side to serve their purpose, the alliance was never of long +duration nor was it altogether of an honourable kind. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + +A time came when things were said to be as they ought not to be; +discontent became very prevalent. It is always thus; but the people, it +was said--and with some show of reason--had quarrelled with their +prosperity. Labour had combined against capital, and the workers refused +to work except upon their own terms. They demanded shorter hours and +more pay, Nor would they, if they could help it, allow others to labour. +The Buccaneer's system of education had perhaps something to do with +this state of things, for it taught his children almost everything, +except how to gain a living, gave many of them exalted opinions, crammed +their heads, but left their stomachs empty, until in time the serving +class bid fair to be educated out of his island. All wanted to be +masters and mistresses, and the kitchen was looked down upon. Things +came to such a pass that it was far easier to obtain a governess who +could teach almost anything, for thirty pounds a year, than a cook for +the same amount, whose knowledge of her trade barely soared as high as +boiling a potato, or grilling properly a mutton chop, and who even with +this small amount of professional skill was insolent if found fault +with. + +Then the Buccaneer's tradesmen, being true chips of the ancient block, +were frequently extortionists, if not actual robbers. They were +certainly well imbued with his first principle of trade, namely, the +turning of their five talents into ten, and some at least were not above +selling short weight and adulterating their merchandise; but these of +course were the dishonest ones, the black sheep that are said to exist +in every flock. Then before things reached the consumer they had to be +dealt with by the middle men, a species of vampire who sucked a good +deal of the profit out of the article; so the consumer was driven into +the hands of the foreign cheap-Jack, who soon began to sell more than +ever. The Buccaneer's old coxswain, who, it must be owned, was a bit of +a preacher, and like all such a little prosy, spoke up as was his wont: +"Mates," he said, addressing a lot of grumblers, who had assembled +together to air their grievances, "don't you see you've got your ship's +head lying in the wrong direction? You are cutting your throats, my +hearties, like a swimming pig, for while some of you are quarrelling +with your masters, and others of you are going in for keeping up the +prices, these furrin cheap-Jacks are doing a thriving trade. Shipload +after shipload of their merchandise is coming in. They are ousting you, +my lads, out of your own markets, while you stand by, pipe in mouth and +hands in pockets, demanding your shorter hours and higher wages." "What +would you have us do, mate?" cried a burly fellow from the crowd, as he +held his pipe in one hand and a quart pot in the other. "Are we to work +our souls and bodies out, day after day, and year after year, while our +masters are building up a pile, and palaces to put it in? We ain't +agoing to work like some of our neighbours for a mere nothing; neither +are we agoing to live on black bread and sour crout; so unless our +masters are going to cave in and come down with the needful, we are +going to hold out. As for the cheap-Jack fellows, let our master make +'em pay toll. Let's have everything fair and above board. Put that in +your pipe, old man, and smoke it." "Lads!" cried old Jack, "you are +killing your goose that lays the golden eggs; or, you are frightening +her over the water, which amounts to the same thing." "Let her go, mate. +If she stays here and stops laying eggs, we'll wring her neck, and +divide her carcass amongst us. We shall have a good feed then anyhow, +and be equal all round." So there were strikes, and a great cry out +against capital, and trade began to work down towards the sea-shore, and +unfolding her wings, prepared to take flight to other and more congenial +climes. + +Whenever the old coxswain got his master's ear upon the subject, his +favourite, Liberty, was sure to be on the other side, telling him to let +things alone. This aggravated old Jack, who one day exclaimed; "Pray, +madam! how far are you going to take our master along this road of +freedom?" "Good, honest Jack, that is for you to say," cried madam, with +a smile and a curtsey. "Aye, aye, that is all well enough, my fine lady. +But there is not a place you don't go to with those doctrines of yours. +You commenced upstairs in the parlour, and now you have gone down into +the kitchen, and heaven only knows where you intend to stop. What is the +use of my saying anything? Where you lead my master follows; no matter +whether the road you are on goes to the devil or not. It is no use my +holding on to his coat tails, when you are coaxing him, cajoling him, +and pulling him forward by both his hands." So saying the old coxswain +went his way, muttering something about women in general, that was not +altogether complimentary to the fair sex. But the honest coxswain, when +ruffled, said, like many other people, very much more than what he +meant. + +In the general running down of things the Buccaneer's women did not +escape. At one time they had been famed both for their virtues, and +their beauty. Of the latter it was said there was a falling off. Indeed +they were so pulled to pieces all round, by the sharp talons of ill +nature, that they were not left too many virtues to plume themselves +with. + +Beauty it is well known is only skin deep, and in very many cases it +does not penetrate even so far. It can be laid on in the morning and +dusted off at night without much trouble, though no doubt many beauties +prefer to go to bed with the bloom on. This kind of beauty has its +merits. It withstands to a certain extent the ravages of time; art +following close in the footsteps of nature with the paint brush filling +up the crevices, and washing out the marks of the years that have +hurried by. But it was said that a good deal of the bloom on the young +cheeks was not a constant quantity, and that the cherry lips were not a +fast colour. That eyebrows and eyelashes were pencilled and hair dyed. +If this was not a foul libel how much was it to be regretted? Youth +requires neither putty nor paint to deck it off. For the old it matters +little; the only people deceived are the artists themselves. You may +disguise the age somewhat, put back the hand of time a year or so, but +you can never make an old face look young; paint it up and putty it as +much as you like. In the Buccaneer's island there was indeed to be seen +strange contrasts, such as dark eyebrows and fair hair, but then nature +does at times play sad tricks, giving to animals more heads than one, +and occasionally more than the usual quantity of tails, and even legs. + +Suppose the Buccaneer's daughter did call in the aid of art. They all do +it, and in doing it, a woman only follows the instincts of her nature, +though some are so strong minded as to pay little or no attention to +personal adornments. The instinct above alluded to is to be found in the +daughter of nature, as well as in her civilized sister, and is the one +great link that binds female humanity together. Is there a part of the +civilized world yet discovered where the female mind does not turn +towards the embellishment of the outward form? No doubt the first act of +Eve after the sad catastrophe in the garden of Eden, when she recovered +from the temporary fit of despondency, was to seek some smooth sheet of +water, on which her fair face and form might be mirrored, and with as +little doubt her second act was to procure the most becoming fig leaf, +that the whole garden of Eden could produce to deck herself in. In the +general effect perhaps she found some slight consolation, though she +might regret there were not more Adams than one. While in the West the +female head is decorated with hair taken, perhaps, from some one, who +having paid the debt due to nature has no further need for it, her +sister of ruder climes utilizes the bushy end of a cow's tail. While the +one uses cosmetics, pomades, and dainty perfumes, the other uses earth, +or clay, or things that by no means, or under any circumstances, can be +called dainty. In passing, we may perhaps call the attention to the +strange perversion of the order of things that seems to run through the +civilized male mind of the West. Hairs pulled from a horse's tail +decorate the wise heads of judges, while feathers plucked from the +nether end of a cock, float over the heads of Western warriors. Is there +any subtle influence of nature at work here? But to return to the +ladies. + +The female child of nature, instead of hanging round her neck precious +stones, wears thin strings of beads, or berries, or even shells, and +this in many climates is no inconsiderable part of her attire. Then +where she places a bunch of reeds, or dried grass, her civilized sister +places tastefully a bunch of ribbons. The same parts, present the same +difficulties, as to picturesque decoration. The progress of civilization +is also shown in the use of nose, lip, and ear-rings. The two former +have vanished from the fair faces of the West, but ear-rings still +remain as a link to bind us to the past, and though ankle rings have +disappeared except on the legs of French poodles, bangles are still +worn. + +As to the modesty of the Buccaneer's women. This is a delicate matter +and we pass over it with the remark that in this respect they would bear +favourable comparison with any of their neighbours, though their +language perhaps at times, and even their manners, left somewhat to be +desired. The modesty of a woman must not be treated lightly, for it is +to her, or should be, as a diadem studded with precious stones, and a +garment as lovely to behold as the mantle of our Creator when dipped in +Autumn's rich and ever varying colours. + +What for the most part attracted the eye of censure was the manner in +which the fashionable daughters of the Buccaneer dressed of an evening. +Then, in many cases, there was very little clothing on above the waist; +but ample amends were made by the length of the skirts, which trailed +many yards in the dirt behind. + +This display of what are usually called the charms of a woman, could not +have been from any base motive; for had such been the case the middle +aged and old, would not have indulged in the practice. There may be +something very attractive about the well-shaped neck and snow white +bosom of a young and pretty girl, when modesty is not altogether +outraged, but there can be nothing pleasing about too fleshy middle age, +or the skinny old. Besides had the desire been the base one of exciting +the worst of man's passions, the skirts of the fashionable dresses would +have been considerably shortened. A pretty foot and shapely ankle is +every bit as pleasing to the eye of man, as a naked bosom, though here +again the beefy heels of maturity, and the fleshless pegs of age must be +excepted. + +We rather see in the above fashion an innate modesty born in the female +breast, and we detect in it a disposition ever present to go back to the +far off past. To that time, when the clothing of our first mother was +conspicuous by its almost entire absence. It was all the more +commendable on the part of the Buccaneer's daughters to endeavour to +re-establish this early state of innocence, because his climate was dead +against the movement, and it says no little for the hardiness of his +women, who could thus lay bare so much of their bodies in a temperature +notoriously inclement, without suffering any ill effects. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + +There was a lively discussion going on now on board the old Ship of +State about the state of things in general. As to whether trade really +was depressed at home, and as to whether the Buccaneer's relations were +all as they should be abroad. + +The Port watch, who wanted to get charge of the old ship, swore that +things were at sixes and sevens. Their part of the press gang took of +course the same view, while the Starboard watch, headed by Dogvane, +declared with great zeal and certainty that things were never better. + +There was discontent even amongst the Starboard, or Dogvane's watch, +some of the hands, namely, the carpenter, the butcher, and the cook, +and, of course, the carpenter's mate, thinking that the old ship was out +of date, and much too slow for the times. The carpenter was for altering +her, and for cutting adrift the old hulk alongside. The cook was for +breaking the old ship up, and for building an entirely new one on lines +of his own. The new craft, he declared, would be a rapid sailer, very +easily managed and cheaply worked. These ideas grew and took root, and +were productive of certain fruit, as will be hereafter shown. + +When the captain of the Port watch drew the Buccaneer's attention to the +general, as he said, unsatisfactory state of things, old Dogvane shut +one eye--not his weather one--that was always open. "It does you +credit," he said, "it does you credit; but bless you, my master isn't +going to be taken in, in that way. It is a trick, sir; just a party +trick," he said, turning to the Buccaneer, who with his cox'sn was +standing on the quarter-deck, wondering, as was his custom, whom he was +to believe. + +The Port watch now began to abuse old Dogvane, and many of the long +shore hands freely damned him; but quite as many blessed him, and were +ready to crown him with laurels; but he was called by the Port watch a +double-dealing, sly, foxy, old fellow, who would commit any crime from +pitch-and-toss to manslaughter, though not a soul had ever seen him +indulging in either of these games. + +The carpenter declared that the Buccaneer's people were doing a rattling +trade in boots, shoes, and watches, while woollen stuffs were all up. +What a carpenter could know about such things it would be difficult to +say. Had it been nails, or screws, it would have been quite a different +thing; but on board the old ship a want of knowledge never kept a tongue +quiet. Indeed, under the system of a square man for a round hole, how +could it be otherwise? + +There was a lengthy and animated discussion on the matter, which Random +Jack, of whom mention has been made, took advantage of to scud up aloft +to the look-out tub. The shaking of the rigging woke up the man on duty, +who, from a matter of habit, sung out "All's well." + +Random Jack declared it was nothing of the sort, and he accused the +look-out man of being asleep. Then the middy hailed the deck. "Below +there!" he cried, "I see clouds in the East." This was a safe thing to +say, for there were always clouds there of some sort. He added, "Dust +and smoke show there is a heavy storm there. I see, too, a city in +flames, and people are being massacred." + +The Buccaneer turned upon old Dogvane, the captain of the watch on duty, +and asked him what all this meant. Dogvane was not in the least taken +aback, no good sailor ever is, so he said, "I cannot believe, sir, that +anything is going on in the East that should not be, because we have no +official information on the subject." It was a well known fact, that in +the Buccaneer's island, his official information was about the last that +was ever received. People often wondered what kind of an animal carried +his mail bags. Some said it must be a mule, or perhaps an ass. + +Dogvane, to reassure his master, hailed the mast-head, and asked the +look-out man how the old ship was heading. This was the usual way of +asking for information. The man on duty in the tub immediately placed +his official eye to the telescope, while he firmly closed the other, and +answered that the distant horizon was quite clear. Then he added, "Some +people are so precious sharp that they stand a chance of cutting +themselves." This sarcasm was levelled at Random Jack, but he treated it +with a contempt that was peculiar to him. + +When the little middy reached the deck he had a pretty tale to tell; but +the cook said it was a parcel of lies, that the other watch could +scarcely be believed on their oath, and this depravity very much +distressed him; for Pepper was an upright, and an honest man. Billy +Cheeks said that the young Tory Bantam, as he called him, was a deal too +fond of crowing, and that if he came within striking distance of his fly +flapper, he would take his meals standing for some considerable time. +The Ojabberaways on board were highly delighted at the prospect of a +row, for nothing they liked better than a free fight, and they were +always ready to join in any devilment that would cause the old gentleman +annoyance. + +Dogvane, seeing how things were going, delivered himself of one of those +speeches, for which he was celebrated. Having hitched up his trousers +fore and aft, like the good sailor that he was, he said: + +"All this stir, sir, is about nothing. As I said before it is just a +trick of the other side to shift watches. Clouds in the East? Of course +there are. It is the very place we generally look for them. I am +creditably informed that all our relations are for the most part +friendly, and taking into consideration how interfering and meddlesome +relations usually are, this must be considered highly satisfactory. At +home the bright sun of prosperity shines over all the land, while the +songs of a contented people rise up in a grand chorus to heaven." The +cook hearing this winked at the butcher, upon whose placid features +there was a smile of approval and self-satisfaction; but the good +impression left by the above beautiful language upon the mind of the +Buccaneer, was slightly clouded by a parting shot on the part of the +captain of the Port watch, who knew as well as Dogvane how to arouse +his master's suspicion. It could always be done by drawing attention to +what were said to be the ambitious designs of some old rival. Then our +Buccaneer from a state of indolent indifference, would often fly to the +opposite extreme and suffer something in the nature of a panic, under +the influence of which he would for the time being storm and rave. If he +could, he would make a scapegoat of some one. Perhaps he would kick his +watch on duty over the ship's side, and think to put all things straight +by lavishing his money upon every conceivable object. The fury of the +storm being over, he would again sink into his usual happy-go-lucky +state, and rest quietly until some one stirred him up again. As some +rusty old weathercock will not condescend to move for anything less than +a gale of wind, so it took a panic to rouse up this wealthy and +easy-going old gentleman. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + +In the East there dwelt at this time a mighty Bandit, Bruin by name. He +was an old rival of the Buccaneer. It is said that birds of a feather, +either do, or should flock together; but as a matter of fact it is +frequently found that they do not; the feather being too often a bone of +contention. People would have thought that these two celebrities, +following as they did the same profession, with the exception that one +pushed his trade more by sea, and the other more by land, would have +lived peacefully one with another; more especially as they were +separated by a wide tract of land and sea. Many old saws and sayings +would justify this belief; but the Bandit and the Buccaneer could not +hit it off together. The latter being quite a reformed, God-fearing and +respectable man, no doubt looked with horror upon the life that the +former was leading. It was strange too; because the Bandit was an +eminently pious, and Christian gentleman also; but he had not as yet +made his pile, which of course made all the difference; and his people, +though many of them were slaves, were beginning to be unruly. + +As to whether the Bandit was as cruel and as bad as he was said to be, +is open to doubt. It is well known that the devil is not as black as +what he is painted. Evil things were said even of the Ojabberaways, and +we know that once give a dog a bad name, and you may as well hang him, +or tie a string round his neck, and fling him into the nearest pond. +Some people no doubt would have gloried in seeing this Eastern Bandit +run up on the nearest tree; but then he required catching. + +Of the living why not be truthful? There seems to be a prevalent opinion +that this should be the case when we discuss the characters of our +enemies, and more especially of our friends to whom we can make amends +by saying nothing but what is good of them when they are dead. This old +sea king whose history we take a delight in relating, had as has been +shown a very quick eye for the shortcomings of his friends. Looking over +the heads of his own little peccadillos, he fixed his keen gaze upon +those of his neighbours, and no one could find out an act of robbery +sooner than could this Buccaneering trader; then his virtuous +indignation knew no bounds. + +It was indeed a belief of his, that most of his neighbours were +ambitious and designing, ever ready to feather their own nests at the +expense of other peoples. Yet they were all eminently religious, prayed +often, and professedly were all followers of the same great Master; but +they all slept in armour, and were ready on the slightest provocation to +fly at each other's throats. Our pious Buccaneer had learnt to look upon +the East as a sort of devil's playground, and the Bandit as the arch +fiend himself who he frequently thought was up to no good when the poor +gentleman was perhaps actually engaged in his devotions. + +The slightest allusion to the Eastern Bandit always alarmed him, so the +command was given on board the old Ship of State to pipe all hands, and +presently the bo'sn's whistle, followed by those of all his mates, +sounded merrily along the decks. Those below hurried up, while those on +shore hastened on board, and the scene was soon one of the liveliest. +Just as the last man tumbled over the ship's side, there was a great +commotion at the Port gangway, and on looking over, a very queer +powerfully made fellow was to be seen trying to get on board; but the +rest of the ship's company would not have him at any price. Pepper, the +cook, said the man was a friend of his, in fact, his mate; but Pepper +spoke to deaf ears; for the fellow would not swear, and it is a well +known fact that a seaman who will not swear cannot be a good sailor. +Several of the hands seized upon the intruder, and suiting an old rhyme +to the occasion, they commenced to sing-- + + "Here comes a queer man + Who will not say his prayers, + So we take him by his two legs + And chuck him down the stairs." + +And they did, much to honest Pepper's disgust, who rated and accused +them well for their trouble. The man himself as he swam ashore affirmed +that he would return and serve yet on board of the old ship. He kept his +word; was posted to Captain Dogvane's watch, and became very much +respected. + +As was their custom, the Ojabberaways tried very hard to monopolize the +whole of the conversation, with their numerous complaints, and they +swore most stoutly that not a stitch of business should the Buccaneer do +until they were given their independence and freed from the yoke of the +tyrant. When they were told that all was being done for them that could +in justice to all interests be done, one of them said, "Indeed a mighty +deal too much has been done; but in the wrong direction. We ask for our +freedom, and you give us a rope and bid us go hang." + +Here some one amongst the crew who apparently had caught a cold, +sneezed, this the Ojabberaways took as an additional insult upon their +unhappy country, and because the insult could not be withdrawn, they +created a great disturbance, to quell which, two or three of them had to +be thrown overboard. The ship thus lightened rode all the better, but +the cook said it was a sinful waste thus to sacrifice the Ojabberaways, +when there was the whole of the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber weighing the +old ship down by the stern. The discussion on board now took a lively +turn, upon an assertion which the carpenter had previously made about +boots and shoes being brisk. Some interested person declared that if the +trade was brisk the boots themselves were bad, as could be seen by the +Buccaneer's soldiers who were fighting in the East. + +All the fat was now put into the fire, and there was a heated argument +as to whether the Buccaneer was or was not engaged in warlike +operations. There ought to have been no doubt about such a thing, but +there was. It was also asserted that the rascally contractor was at his +old game of starving both men and animals, or giving them bad food, and +so amassing a large fortune and qualifying himself for promotion to the +Buccaneer's Upper Chamber. + +The Buccaneer turned for information to his trusty Captain Dogvane. +"How is this, Master Dogvane?" he asked, "I thought you said my +relations abroad were all good." + +"Sir," replied the captain, "ever since the old Ship of State was built +have there been these differences of opinion, and God forbid that it +should be otherwise; it will be an evil day for my master when his +watches take so little interest in his affairs as to cease to have wordy +battles over them." + +"But, Master Dogvane, whom am I to believe?" + +"A straightforward question, sir, demands a straightforward reply. +Believe in me." + +At this there were loud jeers from the other watch, and many voices were +heard to say: "Believe in him and he will run you pretty soon into shoal +water." + +"Aye! aye!" cried Dogvane, "the same old cry. I have been man and boy on +board this old craft for many a long year, and these hands have held the +helm and so the old ship rides safe and sound. Her bluff old bows riding +superior to every storm. Have not gales and hurricanes swept over these +decks, and yet she has risen superior to all? Some say the old craft +alongside is in shallow water, and yet she seems peaceful and safe +enough." + +Here Random Jack said the captain was, as usual, drifting from the +point. + +"Of course, my little man, you must have your say. It was you that first +set this ball a-rolling; but hurry no man's cattle is a safe cry. I was +merely clearing my decks, as it were, for action." + +Upon being pressed, Dogvane was obliged to admit that he was engaged in +operations of a warlike nature; but he went into so many subtle +distinctions as to the different kinds of warfare that nobody could +follow him. He swore that in the footsteps of the other watch followed +gratuitous and unprovoked war. "We are not now at war," he cried in +great warmth, "though I will not say that we are not engaged in some +kind of military operations which, however, though offensive in form are +purely defensive in essence." Dogvane being apparently afraid lest he +should be called upon for an explanation turned the conversation by +appealing to a weak part in his master's nature, namely, his religion. + +"Can we ever forget," he said, "the Divine Master we follow? Can we +forget the principles of peace he taught us? The operations I am now +engaged in are only a part of that terrible inheritance that the other +watch left me." This of course brought down a storm upon him from the +other watch. "My aim," he continued, "ever has been to maintain a +friendly footing with all your neighbours, and by keeping them in union +together to neutralize, fetter, and bind up the selfish aims of each." + +"And the result of your labours," cried the captain of the Port Watch, +"has been to estrange our master from all his friends and to land him in +incessant troubles. Have you not bombarded a friend's town?" he added, +"have you not massacred his people?" + +Dogvane could not altogether deny this, so he said: "It is true that a +few forts have been knocked down, but they were better down than up; and +a few people have no doubt been killed, but what of that? Accidents will +happen in the very best regulated undertakings." + +Thus did the argument continue to the utter confusion of the bold +Buccaneer who cast his eyes towards the Church Hulk alongside, and he +inwardly wished that all was as peaceful and secure as it seemed to be +there; but scarcely had the thought crossed his mind than a great hubbub +rose up and the sound of controversy became loud. All eyes were turned +towards the Church Hulk, and many feared they were about to witness one +of those religious disputes which occasionally are so bitter and even +disastrous. Some thought it must at least be a mutiny. Considerable +relief was felt when it was found upon inquiry that it was nothing more +serious than a discussion as to the shape and colour of the vestments in +which our Creator was to be worshipped in, and a rival sect nearly came +to blows over the form of an ecclesiastical hat. All this seemed +strange, because the Church Hulk professed to sail by orders which said: +"Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall +drink, nor yet for your body what ye shall put on." + +If people squabble amongst themselves it soon becomes known, and it soon +began to be noised abroad that the Buccaneer's Church Hulk was in +danger, both from jealousy without and the want of Christian charity and +brotherly love within. It is certain that some of the crew of the Ship +of State had their eyes upon her, and it got rumoured abroad that some +fine morning people would wake up to find she had either slipped her +moorings or been cut adrift. But has not this rumour ever been a lying +rascal and a fit lieutenant for the devil himself? + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + +The Buccaneer paced the deck of his old ship in a thoughtful manner. +Suddenly he stopped and addressed his captain. "Dogvane," he said, "I +have trusted you; beware lest you deceive me." + +"Sir," said the captain, "the man who would deceive so good and great a +master would be base indeed." + +"Is all this true that the other watch have said about my ships? Am I in +the wretched state they say? Where has gone all my money?" + +"Master, allow not the idle shafts of the Port Watch to trouble you. +They are greedy of office, and to gain their ends, they magnify some +things and totally misrepresent others. Believe not what they said about +your ships and about your trade. Bloated armaments, sir, are a source of +danger; exciting the fear, jealousy, and suspicions of your neighbours; +draining your exchequer, and feeding like a foul canker upon the fair +flower of your industries. You are no longer a bold Buccaneer, sailing +the seas in search of plunder. You are no land stealer. The object of +your life is not now to carry fire and sword into your neighbour's +country. You are a respectable trader, peaceful and industrious, a +Christian, with religious principles to act up to." + +"Yes, Master Dogvane; but there are those about, who, if I am not ready +to protect my own, will save me the trouble." + +"Sir, it is not right to have so base an opinion of the world; but your +armaments are fully equal to all your needs." + +"In this, Master Dogvane, I must perforce believe you. But how about +that rascal Bruin? He has committed depredations in the past. He is a +grasping fellow too, and I have my suspicions that there may be some +truth in what I hear. He may be casting sheep's eyes at my fair Indian +Princess." + +"So long as they are only sheep's eyes, sir, where is the harm? The lamb +which is the forerunner of the sheep is the emblem of peace. Suspicion, +my master, is the attribute of either a base or weak mind, and is +unworthy of you. The Eastern Bandit I have always found a pious and +truthful man; only requiring to be known to be appreciated. Honest too, +as times go; but awkward when vexed." + +We must leave the Buccaneer in the hands of his skilful captain and take +a turn ashore. The Port Watch having collected crowds of idlers +addressed them on the general depressed state of affairs, and they found +ready listeners. No one considers himself so well off but that he wants +something more. There was a general and continued cry out against the +foreign cheap-Jacks. The blackguards who take advantage of every breath +of discontent to preach their doctrine of universal plunder had merry +times, and their tongues wagged at the street corners, in the parks, and +other public places. These fellows had a following, for they held up +before the eyes of the poor a picture of plenty, while the criminals saw +in them instruments to help them on in their trade. The sound of their +many voices surged up like the angry roar of wild beasts in some distant +jungle. + +But now all eyes were turned towards the old Ship of State, for a sight +was to be seen that had not been seen in the memory of living man +before. It was nothing more nor less than the portly form of the old +Buccaneer struggling with difficulty up the rigging, and behind him came +the lithesome form of old Dogvane; both of them were evidently bound for +the crow's nest, below which the legs of the look-out man could be seen +hanging like the legs of some huge stork. + +There was a look of anxiety on the captain's face, as though he feared +the consequences of that climb up aloft. It might upset the gravity of +so portly an old gentleman as his master had grown to be, and he might +look at things with a temper somewhat clouded by anger. Then the +look-out man might be found asleep at his post. That some such thoughts +occupied old Dogvane's mind was evident, for, making some excuse, he +passed his master in the rigging and hurried to the top. The man in the +tub was so lost in his own meditations that he did not see the captain +enter; but a kick startled him, and he cried, "Look out!" "I am going +to," was Dogvane's reply. He then added: "Now, look alive, my hearty, +and show me the official slides." + +The Buccaneer arrived in the top, puffing and blowing and quite +exhausted, for it was a stiff climb for one so stout. He was breathless, +and his face was as ruddy as the setting sun. As he sat swabbing +himself, as the sailors would say, he heard the murmurs of the crowd +down below on shore rising up. "What noise is that?" he asked of the +captain. + +"That, sir, is the lowing of your many herds," was the reply. Dogvane +was a ready man. + +Now, when the people on shore had recovered from their first surprise, +their tongues began to wag freely. + +"At last!" cried one, "the old man is roused; now we shall see what +happens." + +"Not much, my mate," cried a second, "don't you see old Dogvane is up +aloft too." Of course this was either a Port watchman, or one with Port +watch sympathies. + +"It is a pity," cried a third, "that the old gentleman did not mount +aloft before and take a look round for himself; then he would have seen +how things were going on. For, drat my buttons if you can believe any of +these land lubbers below." + +"Ah! it's all very well to talk," said another, "but the old gentleman +is not so active as he used to be. Prosperity has made him lazy too, and +good living has made him thick in the wind." + +"There is life in the old man yet," cried another. And so it went on +through the crowd. Several levelled their telescopes at the mast head of +the old ship, and there were general regrets at the apparent absence of +the Buccaneer's old coxswain, for the people believed in him. There was +now what bid fair, at one time, to end in a general free fight between +partisans of the two watches, and of course the Ojabberaways were quite +ready to join in, for wherever heads were to be broken there they were +sure to be; but a peaceful turn was given to the affair by Random Jack +jumping upon an empty beer barrel and declaring, as he took off his +jacket, that he was ready to meet in single combat, any man double his +size of the Starboard Watch, and bid any one who liked to carry his +challenge on board, either to the cook or to Billy Cheeks, the burly +butcher. + +"Listen to the lad!" the people cried and laughed; but no one took up +the challenge. + +"Well, my mates," cried an old salt, "let us wait and see what comes of +it all. For my part I doubt much good, with old Dogvane up there too." + +"What can he do, pray, if the old man takes a look for himself?" said +another. + +"What can he do?" cried Random Jack. "Look here, my hearties; that is a +difficult question to answer when old Bill is concerned. For there is +little he can't do, and there is not a trick or a dodge that that old +fox is not up to. Why, he would get the weather side of the devil +himself. Now, listen to me, my lads. Ah! it's all very well for you +slavish followers of old Dogvane to put your tongues in your cheeks and +flout and jeer, but those laugh in the end who win, and my merriment is +yet to come. Now I will tell you what old Dogvane will do. He will make +our master look through the wrong end of the telescope, or he will put +in coloured lenses, or glasses with pictures painted on them, or he will +do something to deceive; and whatever he does his crew will swear it is +right, more especially the cook, the carpenter, and the burly butcher; +but I have my eyes upon them; and I will smoke them out yet." + +People laughed out right at these bold words of the little middy's. Many +of the old salts said the boy would grow into no ordinary man, and that +if he lived he would achieve great things. This Random Jack fully +believed himself; and perseverance as is well known conquers all things. +It is only necessary to be constantly dinning into the ears of people +our own particular merits, and in time the most obstinate will give in +and take you at your own valuation. In no other way can very much of +the success we see in the world be accounted for. + +If you are an impostor, the course of events may perhaps find you out, +but it is hard to overthrow even a humbug when once fully established, +and if he is knocked over he is sure to retain some of his followers and +believers, who will worship him as a martyr, and he may even finish up +by being canonized as a saint. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + +The look-out place at the mast head of the old Ship of State had many +names, and amongst the rest it was called the owl's nest. This bird is +sagacious looking; but by some people it is considered stupid, though +perhaps rats, and mice, and other like vermin, think he is sharp enough +for them. From this point of vantage Dogvane was bidding his master to +behold the bright things that lay beneath him. "Look around you," he +said, "and your eyes will rest upon a beautiful picture; upon fields of +golden corn bending their heads ready for the sickle of the reaper; upon +pastures well stocked with flocks and herds and upon a contented and a +happy people." Just as the Buccaneer was stooping down to adjust his eye +to the telescope, Dogvane very deftly slipped in, as the clever little +middy had said he would, a slide beautifully painted with rural scenes, +for what he had said existed only in his imagination, for a good deal of +the land was lying fallow. The Buccaneer seemed lost in wonder and +admiration, and was silent; but Dogvane kept talking all the time. +Conjurors always do this to distract the attention of their audience, +otherwise their imposition might be found out. "Your eyes rest, sir," +the captain said, "upon a peaceful scene; no one would think that all +those quiet looking villages, with their churches, stand over the bones +of dead pirates." The Buccaneer did not like this allusion to his past +life so he said: + +"Master Dogvane! there are but few men that have not had their early +indiscretions. Even the very best of us in looking back wish some things +undone. Many a saint has commenced life as a sinner; then let the dead +past be buried, and often the greater the sinner the greater the saint. +The first public act of Moses was a murder." + +Dogvane took advantage of this diversion to slip in another slide. +"Behold!" he cried, "your happy villages, with their churches, nestling +in amongst the trees. Behold your towns and cities, the monuments of +your industry and intelligence! See the tall tapering chimneys rising +far into the murky sky. Look down, my master; look down at your rivers +thickly studded with innumerable ships." Dogvane said not a word about +the nationality of those ships. He did not tell his master that they +belonged, a good many of them, to the innumerable cheap-Jacks that +infested the shores. + +"Dogvane!" cried the Buccaneer, as he wiped the small glass of his +telescope, "I see chimneys enough; but I see no smoke coming from them. +They seem to me to be mute monuments raised to a dead industry." The +artist had quite forgotten to put the smoke in. Perhaps he painted from +nature--some artists do. Dogvane was quite equal to the occasion, "We +compel all your subjects, sir, to consume their own smoke." + +This of course was not the case, if it had been, the Buccaneer's people +would not have had to live at times in a gloom that made mid-day +scarcely distinguishable from midnight. + +Do I accuse a high official; a man whose character was as that of the +wife of Caesar, of not adhering to the truth? + +Heaven forbid, that we should be so profane. But even truth at times +must be suppressed, and though this may be considered by the +straight-laced and sickly minded to be lying by implication, it is not +so. It is done in the very best and most pious society; and in a high +state of civilization it is absolutely necessary; because truth hurts +the feelings of the refined. + +The tinkling of many bells rose up on the air, and hovered for a while +over the crow's nest. "What sound is that?" asked the Buccaneer. "The +bell wethers, sir, ringing out their glad tidings of large and +multiplying flocks." It was nothing of the sort. It was the muffin man +going his constant and monotonous rounds. + +"Listen, sir!" exclaimed Dogvane in high glee, "to the merry, but +perfectly unintelligible cry of your happy costermongers. From dewy morn +till dewy eve they vend their wares." + +"If their cry, Master Dogvane, is unintelligible, why allow them to +disturb the quiet of my people?" + +"For all that I do, sir, there is a goodly reason. One of the favourite +cries of our enemies is that we are revolutionists, up-setters, and +destroyers of cherished customs. We refute this base slander by pointing +to your costermongers. Here is a time-honoured institution that we have +left untouched, and if the merry voice of the costermonger is to be +silenced the guilt shall be on the head of the Port Watch, for old Bill +Dogvane will have nothing to do with it." After this burst of +impassioned eloquence the captain of the Starboard Watch wiped a +glistening tear from his eye, took a little time to get his breath and +then continued: "Look at your sanitary arrangements! In a matter of +drains you have not an equal." + +"All this is very well, Master Dogvane, and at home things may be sound +enough; but how about my neighbours?" + +"Your neighbours, sir? oh! I am credibly informed that in a matter of +drains they are not good. I believe they have none; or if they have, I +have no official information on the subject." + +"Confound their drains, man! How do I stand with them?" Saying this, the +Buccaneer turned his glass to distant parts. Dogvane tried very hard to +distract the attention of his master, so that he could turn the +telescope round until the small end might be where the big end ought to +be; but he had no opportunity; neither had he any foreign slides. This +was an oversight, and Dogvane was disconcerted. He tried to persuade his +master by all manner of devices, not to trouble himself about other +people's affairs. Told him that he was looked upon with jealousy, as all +great and good men are; but that he ought to be too wise to mind what +people said. + +This rather flattered the Buccaneer's vanity. So long as he was feared +and respected that was all he cared for. This was not right from a +Christian point of view; but we must not expect too much; for the flesh +is at all times weak, and man has been endowed with certain qualities +that will occasionally assert themselves. Was not the Hulk alongside the +old Ship of State, the custodian of all Christian principles? Would you +find charity and humility reigning supreme there? Good people all, +beneath the priestly frock there sometimes beats a hard and unforgiving +heart. Saint Chrysostom was a godly but outspoken man; one of strong +convictions. He expressed an opinion that in his day the number of +bishops who might be saved bore a very small proportion to those who +would be damned. We live in better times, and the balance now would be +no doubt against the devil. At least let us be charitable, and hope so. + +The Buccaneer kept his gaze fixed upon the East, and Dogvane was not +experiencing an ecstasy of delight. Presently his master cried, "Eh! +what is that I see?" Dogvane seized the glass and placed his eye to the +hole, "It is nothing, sir, but a dust storm. Such things are of frequent +occurrence in the East, and very trying and disagreeable they are to +those who have to live there. This is no doubt what that youngster, +Random Jack, made such a fuss about." + +"But who is kicking up the dust?" the Buccaneer demanded. Dogvane ran +through a number of common and ordinary causes for such things, which +however did not seem to satisfy his master, who said to the captain's +surprise, "Dust storm, or no dust storm, Master Dogvane, I am going to +take a look there myself. There is no knowing but what the Bandit of the +East may be behind that cloud." + +"Ah! the old scare!" muttered Dogvane. "Down on deck and pipe my yacht's +crew away!" cried the Buccaneer as he prepared to descend. Dogvane was +for making a thousand excuses, the manufacturing of which was to him a +matter of the greatest ease. But it was of no use, and so down he went +to comply with his master's bidding. He was still more horrified when he +learnt that it was his master's intention to make a few calls on his +neighbours on his way to the East. + +"What do you want to leave home for now, sir, when all your people are +so happy and comfortable?" Dogvane asked as he went down through the +lubbers' hole. + +"And what better time, pray, could I choose?" + +"But your neighbours may not like to be taken thus unceremoniously?" +Dogvane said as he began to descend. + +"A friend, Master Dogvane, is always welcome, and by our reception we +shall see in what estimation we are held." + +"But, sir," cried Dogvane, looking up from the rigging. + +"But me, no buts, Master Dogvane, but do as you are told; so down you +go." + +Dogvane seemed to have lost somewhat of his alacrity, for he took a +terrible long time in reaching the deck, and kept up a running +accompaniment to his thoughts, which, however, was not loud enough to be +heard, and therefore cannot be recorded; though it is safe enough to +assume that so good a man made use of no bad language. Something +evidently troubled the old captain's mind, for when the two of them +reached the deck, he said, "Master, you must not listen to everything +you hear against the great Bandit of the East. People are not all honey +behind your back. In the past you have ever been too ready to draw the +sword, following the example of those who fight first, and argue +afterwards." + +"Because, Master Dogvane, experience has taught me that if you thrash +your enemy first he is the more amenable to reason." + +"That, honoured sir, was all very well in an uncivilized and barbarous +age. When the mind was not open to reason, and when the manners had not +been softened by Christianity, then the sword was, no doubt, a good +major premise; but now, sir, it should never be drawn except through +dire necessity. In a just and good cause I am ready to shed my last drop +of blood for you." + +"Nobly said, Dogvane! nobly said!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, as he +slapped old Dogvane in an approving manner on the back, thereby nearly +knocking all the wind out of his body. + +"But, mind you, master," Dogvane said, "I must be assured that the cause +is just. An appeal to arms should only take place when the noble art of +diplomacy has failed. Then, sir, by all manner of means draw the sword." + +"Master Dogvane; tell me what is Diplomacy?" asked the Buccaneer. + +"Diplomacy, sir, is the polished and courteous method that one nation +has of conducting business with another." + +"To my mind, Master Dogvane, it is the polished method by which one +nation tries very often to overreach another. Strip it of its courtly +paraphernalia and you often find this Diplomacy to be a lying, +intriguing, cheating, and unprincipled rascal, that every honest man +ought to shun. Look you! it has been said that by this self-same +Diplomacy I have lost a good deal of what I have won in fair and open +fight." + +Dogvane sighed over his master's want of enlightenment. But he knew too +well that in his present mood he was not to be reasoned with, so what +could a poor sailor do? What cannot be cured must be endured. Dogvane +felt assured that everything was to be put down to the fallacious +teachings of the Port Watch, and had he not been the pious man that he +was he would undoubtedly have damned all their knavish tricks, if +nothing else. + +The cook, the butcher, and the carpenter, could see that something was +amiss by the troubled look upon their captain's face, so they were not +at all surprised to hear the bo'sn's whistle pipe the crew of the bold +Buccaneer's royal yacht away; to be one of the crew of which was +esteemed a great distinction, as it was a sure road to preferment. The +cook only hoped the old man, meaning the Buccaneer, was not going to +make a fool of himself; but he had his doubts, of course. Had the +sagacious and learned Pepper been one of the party to give his master +the benefit of his advice it would have been a different matter +altogether. + +But where is the old cox'sn all this time. Is the Buccaneer going to +make his round of calls without his right-hand man? + +Good people all, the cox'sn was on shore moving about amongst the +people, doing good after his humble fashion, wherever he could. He did +not always accompany his master, more is the pity; but the truth must be +told. He could not at all times get on with Captain Dogvane, and old +Jack Commonsense was not much of a traveller. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + +Just as the Buccaneer was about to start upon his round of calls, the +snowy white sails of a large ship were to be seen gliding, as it seemed, +over the fields that hemmed in his principal river; the hull of the +stranger being hidden by a bend. From her mast-head flew a star-spangled +banner, and the well-known strains of Yankee Doodle came floating up on +the southerly breeze. "Ah!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, "Here comes +Jonathan, our cheap-Jack cousin: been home to refit and reload I +suppose." Presently a long black hull with a good sheer forward came, as +it were, out of the low lying land below the city. + +In days long gone by, such a suspicious looking craft would have made +the bold Buccaneer beat to quarters, when out would have gone his guns, +but times had greatly changed, and pirates of the open and declared type +were not to be seen on Western waters. The black flag with death's head +and cross-bones is never boldly run up now to the mast-head as in the +good brave days of old. It frightens people. So all robberies both on +sea and land are done under more respectable looking flags; and very +much more genteelly. No walking the plank, no running up to the yard +arm. Now a whole crew are sent to the bottom of the sea at a single +shot, and there is an end of them. + +The stranger finding a comfortable berth, rounded to, as sailors say. +Splash went her anchor, rattle, rattle went her chain. Down came the +yards, clewlines and buntlines were well manned, and up went the snowy +sails. The nimble seaman scudded up aloft, and rolled up the canvas, and +everything was trimmed down, and hauled taught, and his yards squared in +proper ship-shape fashion. "Bravo, Jonathan!" cried the Buccaneer. +"Nearly as well done as I could have done it myself. True chip of the +old block; eh! Dogvane?" + +"Yes, sir: and at driving a bargain, or getting the better of a friend, +our Jonathan has not an equal." + +Presently a boat impelled by lusty arms and hands shot round the stern +of the old ship, and brought up alongside, and a tall lanky fellow with +a big pack on his back stepped on deck. In an easy tone of familiarity +he saluted the old Buccaneer. "Wa'al, old hoss, how are things with +you?" + +"Pretty well, Jonathan; pretty well," replied the Buccaneer. + +"Glad to hear it; heard things wasn't quite O.K. Ever taste O.K. +bitters? No! Wa'al, they would just revive a corpse, O.K. bitters would, +you bet. Let us deal," he said as he took his pack off, and began laying +his merchandise out on the deck. "I say, Boss, could you make it +convenient to have this aire stream of yours widened? It puts me more in +mind of one of our drains than anything else." + +The old Buccaneer was highly indignant at his principal river being +spoken of in such a disrespectful manner, and he replied with much +dignity: "My river, Master Jonathan, is good enough for me, and if it is +too narrow for other people, they can stay away." + +"No offence, Boss, no offence. It does look small after our Mississippi, +that would be an eye-opener for you, old hoss. But this ain't business. +Now, here we have a lozenge that will cure anything, from a cough to a +broken leg. Here's a pill fit to physic creation. Honest sailor," he +said, addressing Dogvane, "try this pill. It will make your hair stand +on end. Take a box for the sake of your family. Each pill is worth a +pound, let you have a whole box for one shilling and a penny ha'penny. +You have a son, a hopeful boy, give him a pill, if not a pill, try him +with this pickle, it will sharpen his understanding and make him a +credit to his family. Just you ask who cured Stonewall Jackson?" Dogvane +declared he did not want anything; but Jonathan still cried up his +wares. "Try this cocktail before going to bed, it will make your teeth +curl. Talking about teeth; in teeth I guess we're tall. Now here is a +set that one of your ecclesiastical big guns has asked God's blessing +on, and they're up a quarter dollar accordingly." + +"Jonathan!" the Buccaneer said, "I have long wished to have a little +private conversation with you." + +"All right, Boss, I thought something was up, chuck it off your chest, +whatever it is, it will relieve you." + +"I don't think it either neighbourly, or friendly, Jonathan, on your +part to harbour people who plot against my life and property." + +"What! Have you found out, old hoss, that snakes bite! You've harboured +a good deal of vermin in your day, and you can't blame me for doing what +you have done yourself. No, Sirree, that cock won't fight. Why, you've +given an asylum to the cut-throat rascals of every nation under the sun, +and when you could not find room for them, you have sent them over to +me." + +"I have only given an asylum, Jonathan, to the oppressed." + +"That is only one way of looking at it, Boss. Too fine a name for a +fellow with a bowie knife up his sleeve, and a six-shooter in his +pocket; if he cries 'hands up,' old man, where are you? But this ain't +business, honest sailor," here he again addressed Dogvane. "Buy this +baby jumper for the missis. It will rock your child to sleep, wake it in +the morning, wash it, dress it, slap it and feed it, and all for a few +dollars. You have a son? No father of a family should be without this +article." Then turning to the Buccaneer he said, "I reckon my gals are +leaving your gals standing. They are just taking away all the cream of +your men. Now, here's a notion, that may be will mend matters, try a +cargo of these patent palpitating bosoms. They are warranted to go; they +are as natural as life, and ever so much more convenient, for they can +be taken off at night and put on in the morning. They never increase, +and not like some cheap kind of article, you never see them under the +shoulder, at the back, instead of in their proper places in front; buy a +pair on trial." + +"Stay, Master Jonathan, let us settle one thing at a time. Is it right +for you to let the Ojabberaways hatch their infernal plots against me in +your country?" + +"Look here, old hoss, the Ojabberaways are blowers; then let them blow. +It satisfies the darned skunks, and it don't hurt you. It aint safe in +these high pressure times to sit upon your safety-valve. Let 'em blow +off." + +"I don't mind their blowing off, Jonathan; but I object to the skunks, +as you call them, blowing up. As for blowing off; why, my parks and +public places, are regular blow-holes, where democrats, demagogues, +socialists, and blasphemers may, and do, howl themselves hoarse." + +"It don't seem to me, old hoss, that you are altogether boss of your +show. You are trying to run your ryal car on a democratic gauge, and +you'll either run off the track or you'll bust your biler. But this +ain't business, won't you buy? Honest sailor, here's a knife that will +lick creation; and here's a watch--I reckon we are pretty big in +watches. This child of nature is just leaving the rest of the world +standing." Jonathan seeing that he could do no business, said, as he +packed up his things: "Trade does seem dull; but I'll just look round +shore. This island of yours is so darned small, and your cliffs are so +high, that it is dangerous to walk after nightfall. You should just come +over to our side of the water; you'd see something like a patch of land, +you bet." Jonathan went forward to see if he could do any business +amongst the crew. The carpenter wanted to deal with him in nails; then +the cook wanted to clear out the Buccaneer's lumber-room; and the +packman said that for a duke or two, or a couple of lords he would +spring some dollars; for that he had none in his country, and +accordingly they were very highly esteemed. He did love a lord. Then he +wanted to exchange a dozen brow-beating barristers for one incorruptible +judge; but the cook, the carpenter, and Billy Cheeks, the butcher, all +said, that of brow-beating barristers, their old man had enough and to +spare, and they could not part with any of their judges. As the +cheap-Jack went over the ship's side, he said he had, he feared, +mistaken the latitude and longitude, for he thought by the way things +were going, he must be in the neighbourhood of Jerusalem. When he got +ashore he had still greater reason for thinking this, for the Hebrew +element was so strong that he declared there was little chance of an +honest man getting a living. Many of the Jews tried to modernize their +names, but do what they would, they could not change their natures. + +Just as Jonathan, the packman, was stepping into his boat, the cook +looked through one of the port-holes and asked him if he had any need +for the Buccaneer's lion. Jonathan said he thought the animal was not +sound, but the cook declared that he was; only a little out of wind, +having done a good deal of roaring in his day. Jonathan offered in +exchange a skunk, which he declared was a most useful and valuable +animal, respected alike by friends and enemies; but they could not deal. + +Soon the voice of the cheap-Jack was heard mingling with the others on +shore. The Ojabberaways, though they bought little, and sold still less, +received a good many of Jonathan's almighty dollars, and as long as they +lasted they were likely enough to love him and be friends. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + +The clack, clack of a windlass was heard one fine morning sounding over +the waters of the river that hurried by the Buccaneer's chief city. +Alas! the merry songs of his seamen, as they hove in the slack of their +chains was no longer to be heard. Their cheering "Yo, heave ho!" was but +a faint memory of the past. No cloud of sails was spread to catch the +breath of the north wind; but the vessel moved stealthily down the +river, leaving behind her a muddy wake and above a long winding black +serpent of smoke. + +Great changes had come over this old Buccaneer. Neither he, nor his +ships were anything like what they were in the good old past. The past +that we are always looking back to with such loving and longing eyes. +Those huge wooden castles that had borne his flag to so many victories +had been towed long ago to their last moorings. But ah! things change, +and mountains even, if not moved by faith, are constantly being altered +by that persistent worker, time. People looked back with regret to those +grand old wooden walls, with their tier upon tier of guns; but it was +all in vain. Science had condemned them. Amidst all the change that was +constantly going on, there was one thing on board of the old Ship of +State that bound the Buccaneer to the past. She was still impelled by +wind, and consequently was not a rapid sailer. The Church Hulk alongside +her, was also propelled in a similar manner, but considering the gales +of wind that sometimes swept her decks she was a slow mover. + +Away went the Buccaneer in his steam yacht, old Dogvane, of course, +being at the helm. The cox'sn, however, for reasons already mentioned, +was left behind. The captain's face did not wear an expression of +happiness, but then he was one of those who take their pleasures +seriously, and sometimes even in a melancholy manner; and often when he +looked his saddest he was enjoying himself most. To judge from +appearances, people might be pardoned if they thought that he and his +master were bent upon some mournful errand, such as the burying of some +dear departed friend. + +But to return to the wonder-stricken people who lined the shore. Many +were the questions asked and many were the answers given. Though our +brave old Buccaneer hated anything secret, more especially in other +people, yet he himself conducted all his public affairs by a secret +council; being driven to do so, perhaps, by necessity. Then the reason +for this sudden and somewhat mysterious departure was left open to all +kinds of conjecture, some saying one thing, some another. + +"What is in the wind now?" asked one. "Is the old man steering for peace +or for war?" + +"Ah!" cried another, "perhaps his spirit is at last aroused. Heaven only +knows he has slept long enough!" + +"The barking of curs, my lads," said a third, "does not disturb the +slumber or the dignity of a bull-dog. Fighting, mates, it may be; for +those who won't fight will fall." + +The young hands looked hopeful and the hot blood mounted to their +cheeks, for they had heard and read of fights by sea and land, and of +the doughty deeds done by their forefathers, and they longed, too, for +the fray. There was life in these young sea whelps yet. It was said that +the wanton, Luxury, had touched them gently with the velvet tips of her +fingers, but so far she had not taken away their manhood and put them to +lie on downy beds scented with the perfume of flowers. No, no, she had +not gone as far as that, and though the Buccaneer's women, some of them, +had become masculine, his men had not surrendered up their position to +them just yet. + +The young expressed their hopes, the old men shook their heads. The +Ojabberaways were wild with delight, and hoped that their tyrant master, +as they called him, would get so embroiled that they might have a chance +of shaking themselves free. Then, as many thought, there would be merry +times indeed for those who lived in the green and fertile isle of the +West. + +The Ojabberaways now behaved themselves in a manner so peculiarly their +own, that there was every prospect of a free fight. The leaders, or paid +patriots as they were called, took up a strong position, behind whatever +natural objects presented themselves, and from these points of vantage +they commenced pelting their opponents with strong personal abuse. Of +this they always kept a large supply ready on hand. Wise counsels +prevailed, and the blood of the young Buccaneers was cooled down, and so +a row was avoided and all attention was again directed to the head of +the family and his doings. "Mates!" cried one sturdy fellow, "it's not +for fighting he has gone with Captain William Dogvane on board. More +likely he has gone to beg some person's pardon for some idle words +spoken, or may be he's gone to hand over some patch of land that we got +in fair and open fight. But let that pass, conscience becomes tender as +a man grows old." + +Here a square built old sailor with a patch over his left eye, and who +was minus an arm and a leg cried out, "Who would spill his blood and +stand the chance of being knocked on the head, if he thought that all he +got in fair and open fight was to be given back, because a tender +conscience pules and whines. Look at me, mates! The glim of one of my +skylights is dousted, and is battened down for ever. My timber too I've +lost, and have I been lopped of my branches for nothing? All, forsooth, +because an old man's conscience pricks. Damme, lads! there's no justice +in the like o' that. Do our neighbours give up what they have grabbed? +not they; more likely to put the pistol to your head, as in days of old, +and cry out, 'Stand and deliver?' That's the way of the world, mates, +and we must not set up to be better than other folk. Haven't I a vested +interest in the old man's conquests to the extent of one arm, a leg and +an eye? Then damme, make all fast, say I!" + +Another said, "The old Buccaneer is more fitted now to carry the staff +of a pilgrim than the pistol and cutlass of a pirate." + +"Vast heaving, my mates," cried a voice from the crowd, "no hard names +if you please. Our master's buccaneering days are over, and there is +something so unsavoury about the name of a pirate, lads, that the word +is now never used in good society. As to whether any little bit of +business in that way is done on the sly, it is not for us to say. The +wise man's eye is not always open; but his mouth, my hearties, is +generally shut, so let us wait and see what comes of our master's +peregrination." This was all that the old coxswain contributed at this +particular part of the proceedings. + +The Port Watch said there was no remedy for anything, but a shift of +watches. Some even advocated a sudden raid on the old Ship, and by +taking her by surprise to effect their purpose. Random Jack was for +doing this, and he declared his readiness to lead the assault, and his +courage was very much applauded, and not at all doubted. He was becoming +a great favourite amongst the people, who had still so much of the old +stuff left in them that they could appreciate pluck in any one. Just as +they were going to put their plan to the trial, a soft sound of music +came over the water. Music, it is known, has charms to soothe. Some +uncovered their heads reverently for they thought it was the evening +song coming from the old Church Hulk; but they were all very much +disappointed when they found out that it was only the cook accompanying +himself on his barrel organ to a hymn strung to his own praise. + +This showed that the watch were not asleep. At the same time a spark, as +bright as a diamond, rested, as it were, on the bulwark of the old Ship +of State. This was caused by the rays of the setting sun impinging upon +the glass eye of the carpenter. The burly butcher, fly flapper in hand, +all ready for action, could also be seen. This made Random Jack +thoughtful. Random Jack remembered the butcher's instrument of torture +and he rubbed a part that had been more than once affected, and as he +did so, he said that in his opinion things were not quite ripe for +action, so the assault fell through, and the old Ship was allowed to +ride peacefully at anchor. Hereupon the old coxswain took the +opportunity of delivering an oration. "Mates!" he said, "let us do +nothing rashly. Hasty actions often require much time for repentance. +If so be that you can shift watches by fair means, do so; but give old +Bill Dogvane a fair chance. He is an old hand, and an able steersman, +and he has weathered many a storm." There was now a great outcry against +the coxswain; he was called a traitor; a follower of Bill's; a carpet +bag full of old wives' sayings; a bladder full of wind and such like +things; one who, if he was struck on one cheek, would turn the other. +All this abuse got old Jack Commonsense's back up, as the saying is, and +whipping out an oath or two, he exclaimed: "Damme mates! I hope as how I +am as good a Christian as the best of you, and as ready as any of you to +do my duty to my God and my neighbour; but the man who strikes me, +damme! I strike him back, or my name is not Jack Commonsense. Look you +now: do you think if any of you blustering, railing lubbers, were to +board the old Church Hulk there and strike, say, the High Priest on one +cheek, that he would straightway turn the other? If you think so, go and +try the experiment; I, for one, ain't agoing to. Mates! have we ever +fought our enemies, that our clergy, God bless them! did not bless us, +and pray for us? And while we fought with sword and pistol did they not +fight for us with their spiritual weapons? Example, my mates, is the +best precept, and our Church has never yet taught us in that way that +fighting is wrong; or that too much meekness, except from outsiders, is +to be very highly commended." When the old coxswain got upon his legs it +was hard to get him down and every stump was to him a pulpit. He +continued, "God forbid! that I should be a bully, going about the world +seeking quarrels with the weak; but God grant, my lads, that I maybe +ever ready to lead you all on against the attacks of the strong, who +threaten us, and a young woman as I keep company with will be well to +the fore, and if you are not found ready to follow old Jack and the +beggar woman, then, my lads, make ready your necks for the yoke of the +foreign invader. And it is old Jack Commonsense that says so." + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + +We are in these degenerate days singularly unfortunate in many ways. Our +means of excitement are nothing like what they used to be. The +Buccaneer's island was no exception to the general rule. Indeed time +seems to have handled him very roughly. Not that he was altogether free +from surprises. Occasionally an idiot obtained possession of a pistol, +and either tried to commit or did commit a murder. Then at times a man +was knocked down, kicked and robbed, whilst the mighty house-breaker +prowled about with pistol and crowbar in search of plunder. It is also +true that the Ojabberaways did all they could in the way of providing +excitement of a lively nature for the benefit of the old Buccaneer and +all his people; but gone were his highwaymen. The vulgar thief alone +remained. A mutiny at sea, with the murder of a crew, was a thing of the +past. Yet we have to relate a dark conspiracy, which will be for ever +known as the Cabal of the Cook's Caboose, and which might have been +productive of the gravest results. Mention has already been made of a +slight defection amongst a certain section of the crew. + +It was past eight bells, and the midnight watch had been set +sufficiently long to allow all the look-out men to take up their +positions of repose. Not a sound was to be heard upon the old Ship of +State except the heavy breathing of the watchman aloft and the +monotonous tread of the look-out man aft, who had not as yet secured a +comfortable place to pass his watch in. The Church Hulk was wrapped in a +deep sleep and the Buccaneer's Chief Priest, with all his ecclesiastical +big guns, minor canons, able priests, and ordinary deacons, were fondly +locked in slumber's arms. They kept no visible look-out, but angels with +their silver wings, it was firmly believed by all devout Buccaneers, +hovered over that old ship at night and kept the devil and all his +minions away. It was only when the dusky mantle of midnight rested upon +the island that silence ever reigned supreme upon that old Church Hulk. + +The look-out man on deck hailed the look-out man aloft. "What, ho +there!" he cried. "Watchman! what of the night?" The man up aloft had +evidently been deeply meditating, for something very like a yawn broke +the stillness of the air, but presently a voice came down laden with the +words: "All's well! The twinkling eyes of Heaven look down upon a world +wrapped in peaceful slumber. All's well!" + +"All's well," went up from below in reply, and again there was a great +stillness. The eyes of all the houses on shore except one here and there +which sat watching for the setting out of some poor weary soul to the +regions that lie beyond the grave, were out. The dog that generally +breaks the stillness of the night on such occasions was also silent; +probably asleep. The wind even had folded her wings and had ceased to +sing her lullaby to the accompaniment of her many stringed lute. + +Presently a crouching form was to be seen creeping stealthily under the +starboard side of the old Ship of State. The suspicious looking object +who was enveloped in the dark cloak and slouched hat usually worn by +conspirators and hired no doubt for the occasion, made for the cook's +galley, and in a voice scarcely above a whisper, exclaimed: "Pepper!" + +"Is that you, Chips?" came from the caboose. + +"The same," was the reply. + +"Where are the rest?" asked the cook. + +"They will be here directly," the carpenter said, as he darted into the +galley. Scarcely had he got well inside than his mate joined him, and +shortly afterwards the burly form of Billy Cheeks, the butcher, was seen +trying to conceal himself under the bulwarks. "Keep down, can't you?" +cried the cook. "You'll have the look-out man see you." + +"Can't help it if he does; can't make myself any smaller than nature +made me," replied the butcher. "If I was as small as you, or a ringbolt +chaser like Chips, I might be able to do it." This was sarcasm. The +butcher loved sarcasm; but the cheery cook turned it off by saying that +Chips, and Chisel, his mate, must spokeshave Billy Cheeks down to the +ordinary and usual size of a conspirator. As the butcher did not see +anything funny in this he did not laugh; and so the joke fell like a +dead shell, quite harmless. But the cook, the carpenter, and his mate +said that Billy Cheeks was far too big for a conspirator. + +All was pitch dark inside the cook's caboose. The fire had long since +been out, and it would not have been safe to strike a light. No doubt +they had their dark lanterns, for conspirators would not be fully +equipped without them, but for some reason best known to themselves, +they did not for the present produce them. + +"Your programme!" cried the butcher, who generally came at once to the +point. + +"Listen, my lads, and you shall hear," exclaimed the carpenter. "The old +man being away and the captain with him, we must make this the high tide +of our prosperity, and carry out as pretty a little scheme as ever +entered the head of man, although I say it, as should not. The old +coxswain is ashore amongst the landlubbers, so we have nothing to fear +from him. For the rest of the crew on board belonging to our watch, +well, if they will not join us, why, Billy, my man, you must do your +duty. First and foremost we must lighten ship." + +"That is easily done," said the cook, "by flinging overboard bodily the +old man's Upper Chamber." It is wonderful what a hatred the cook had for +this room in the after part of the old ship. He himself said it was on +account of their ignorance, want of intelligence, class prejudice, and +the airs and graces they gave themselves. + +"As you all know, my mates," continued the carpenter, "things ain't as +they ought to be on board this old craft; she is much too slow for the +times. When a coat becomes too old to wear, what do we do? why, chuck it +away." + +The jolly little cook now had his say. "Without a doubt the old ship is +too bluff bowed for the rapid times we live in, and is more fit to drive +piles than to make way against the swift current of events. So, my lads, +I am for seizing the ship, and my little game--" + +"What is that?" cried the butcher, as he laid his trembling hand upon +the carpenter's arm. + +"What is what?" exclaimed the carpenter, slightly startled. "Can't you +give Pepper time to explain himself. Hurry no man's cattle, is an old +and good proverb." + +"I heard a noise outside, as if someone was moving," said the butcher. + +"Then take a look round, Billy," said the carpenter. + +"I am too big," said the butcher, with a sneer, which was felt, though +on account of the darkness it was not seen. "Let Pepper go; he is the +smallest; no one will see him, and if they do they will take no notice." +This was veiled sarcasm, but the cook thought it better not to notice +it, because he knew the butcher could not help it. + +"Let every man stick to his trade," said the cook, "my place is inside +the galley and not out." + +Then up spoke the doughty carpenter. "What, my lads! is quaking fear +going to be present at our councils? Look at me. I am not afraid." As it +was pitch dark, of course nobody could see. "Chisel, my lad," he said, +addressing his mate, "show these fellows the stuff you are made of." + +"And why should I do what others won't?" replied Chisel. "It is no more +my business than it is the cook's, and every man to his trade, say I, +too." + +"Why don't you take a look round yourself?" cried the butcher. + +"Of course I will. Thus!" exclaimed the carpenter, "does conscience make +cowards of ye all." Having delivered himself of the quotation, he took a +hasty glance through the little square hole that acted as a window in +the back part of the galley, and said there was nothing. "I knew that," +said the cook. "That is why I did not take the trouble to look; but this +is a grievous waste of precious time." "Well, my lads," the carpenter +continued, ignoring the fact that the cook was, as the saying is, in +possession of the house, or rather, galley. "First and foremost we must +seize this old craft, run her ashore, break her up, and build a spic and +span new one, upon entirely new lines. We will take a hint here and a +hint there. In such a thing our friend Jonathan would not be a bad man +to go by. Then we will board the old ship alongside, and make her +disgorge, for the general good, some of her accumulated plunder. She is +worth a pretty plum I can tell you. Been hoarding up for ages, and yet +she is always crying out poverty. Bah! there must be something wrong +somewhere, or where does all the money go? She does not apparently give +too much of it amongst the poorer part of her crew; but as she renders +no accounts we are all in the dark, my lads. It is a busy buzzing hive +of drones, though." + +"As you say, Master Chips," said the cook. "She does not seem to give +much of her stored up wealth to her poor brethren, and Heaven knows that +the priestly gabardine too often covers an empty stomach, while others +amongst them lead the lives of a Dives. Does poverty and penury find +clothing or food out of her riches? Not a bit of it. Too many of her +crew, are they not proud? Have they not made an exclusive and an +aristocratic high-cast priesthood of themselves?" + +"So wags the world, my mates; so wags the world," cried the carpenter. +"While one suffers from repletion, another starves. But that old Hulk is +now out of date, and she will cut up well you may be sure. Having +plundered her, and given every ecclesiastical dog a bone--no offence to +the sacred calling--we will bore a hole in her and let her sink. Then, +when we are well across the bridge that connects her with this old +craft, Chisel, my mate, shall saw the bridge through, and thus lay a +trap for the rats; let them either sink or swim." + +"Rats, they say," remarked the cook, as he handled his three-pronged +toasting-fork, "always leave a sinking ship, and the ecclesiastical rat +will prove, I expect, no exception to the rule." + +"Honest Pepper!" cried the carpenter, "you speak, as you always do, like +a book." + +"I've some doubt on my mind, which I should like cleared up before we go +any further," said the butcher. + +"Out with it, Billy, my man, out with it," exclaimed the carpenter. +"Your chest is big, but no doubt it will be the better for being +lightened, and an empty house is better than a bad tenant, any day of +the week." + +"Well, you talked about running this craft ashore, and then turning your +attention to the Church Hulk; but if you do that, what is the use of +sawing the bridge in two. The bridge would be the plank we should have +to walk; with nothing but a drop of some fathoms deep into the pit we +had dug for ourselves." + +"Or rather the water, Billy," said the cook, who loved his joke. + +"That little error can easily be rectified by our settling with the +Church Hulk first; but these are mere details. The workers, my lads, +shall have their reward; and the clerical Lazarus shall sit down at the +same table as the clerical Dives." + +"But robbing a church," said the butcher, "is about the last thing a +fellow ought to do, is it not?" + +"The end, Billy, will justify the means," the carpenter remarked. + +"Our master, the Buccaneer," said the cook, "was not above robbing a +church once, and who will say he did wrong? Of course his +conscience-healers will find justification for the act if he pays them +well, and as they read history by the light of faith, and not altogether +by facts, they can prove all things entirely to their own satisfaction, +and what would have been an act of robbery in others, would be, when +they were concerned, a most laudable action. Faith, as is well known, my +mates, can work wonders, and it can overcome a mountain of the most +obstinate facts with the greatest ease." + +"But suppose they turn to and curse us," asked the butcher, who +evidently had some qualms of conscience. + +"And suppose they do," cried the cook. "Are we a lot of old women to be +frightened by such things. Know you not the saying, Billy, that curses +come home to roost? Let them curse then." + +"Where is Chisel?" the carpenter asked. + +"I am here," a voice said out of the darkness. + +"Not hearing you, mate, I thought you must have slipped away." + +"It appears to me," replied the carpenter's mate, "that there is little +need for me to say much, considering that I am expected to do all the +dirty work." + +"Who will say that anything is dirty work?" replied the cook. "The +worker purifies and elevates the work." Pepper was a philosopher. The +carpenter continued, "Mates, rest assured of this; if it suits the +Buccaneer to sacrifice his Church Ship, he will do it, for he has an +elastic conscience, which he will satisfy by saying prayers before and +after the act. And as for Dogvane, well, he will wait to see which way +the cat jumps. If he sees the time has come, why, then, the State Church +will be cast adrift. It is not the first time that old William has +robbed a church. I am not the man to say he did a wrong. Why should the +Church Hulk be kept moored alongsides of the old craft? All well enough +when she ruled the roast; but now more than two hundred sects are +outside her jurisdiction, and the Chief Priest and other officers under +him cannot at all times keep the unruly crew in order. They have their +mutinies, and their interior economy does not seem to be just as it +should be; so, my lads, she will either have to mend her ways or end +them, as has been said of another of our master's ancient +establishments." + +"Which, my mates," said the cook, "you may leave to me. I will have my +knife into the Upper Chamber yet." + +"After duty comes pleasure," continued the carpenter. "Having settled +the Church Hulk we must turn our attention to old Squire Broadacre. His +house is in a terrible state, and must be put in order. We must pare +down his property a bit, for there is a family called Hodge, a good, +decent, honest, and industrious, though perhaps ignorant lot, who are +but poorly off. It is the squire's duty to look after this family; but, +mates, it is well known that selfishness fills hell." + +"But do you suppose that the Buccaneer is going to allow all this to be +done?" exclaimed the butcher. + +"It appears to me, mates," replied the carpenter, "that our friend Billy +is going to throw cold water on all our plans." + +"What is the use of our assembling here," asked the butcher, "if we are +not allowed to speak?" + +"Who wants to stop your speaking?" exclaimed the carpenter. "I certainly +am not going to undertake the task, I can tell you. Our master must be +talked and wheedled over, and as for old Dogvane, well, we all know that +he has a damned tender conscience. (The oath must be pardoned. The best +of carpenters, and all sailors, swear at times.) Look here, mates, I +fancy I know as much about Captain Dogvane as most men. If he wants a +thing done, and if so be that he has set his heart upon it, bang goes +his conscience in that direction. Never was there a conscience under +better control. It says to the captain's inclination, 'which way does my +master want me to go, so that his servant may obey him?' Never yet did +Dogvane's conscience prove him wrong, and he is at all times on the best +of terms with it. Look you, our captain will say neither yea nor nay, +and he will use so many words in saying so, that everyone will be at +loggerheads, quarrelling over what he means, when in all probability he +means nothing; but is only waiting to see which way the wind is going to +blow." + +Here the cook spoke: "I have great faith in the old man; but if he does +not go with us, what then? All the talent is not in one head, and as for +his first lieutenant, and one or two others, we can afford to lose them. +They are too slow for the times." + +"Lads, in cases like this," cried the carpenter, "we must not mince +matters; and if the worst comes to the worst Billy Cheeks must do his +duty." + +The paleness of the butcher at these ominous words was concealed. There +was a terrible hidden meaning in what the carpenter said, and it made +the butcher's flesh creep and his blood run cold. + +"I am at all times prepared to do my duty," the butcher said, "at +fly-flapping the tail end of a Tory cockerel, or at stopping the cackle +of the older birds, I will give way to no man; but I love the old +captain, and I would not injure a hair of his venerable head on any +account. As we all know, he is but lightly covered." + +"Who wants you to injure his hair?" cried the carpenter. "Do you think +we want you to be ship's barber as well as ship's butcher?" The +carpenter, who began to fear that he had gone too far, thought it best +to trim a bit, and therefore he advised the butcher not to be so sharp +in coming to conclusions. "Of course," he said, "it's natural that you +should put a professional aspect on things." + +"There!" cried the butcher in alarm, "I heard the noise again." + +"Then go and see what it is," the carpenter said in disgust. + +"Ah! It makes no difference to me," the butcher replied. "If you other +fellows did not hear it, I must have been mistaken." The cook, the +carpenter, and Chisel his mate were extremely gratified at this generous +admission on the part of the butcher, and they one and all said they +never could remember the time when Billy Cheeks had owned himself in the +wrong before. The carpenter was quite softened. Even Pepper was touched, +and they all hoped that it augured no ill to the butcher, for sudden +changes in disposition and character are often the unwelcome harbingers +of speedy dissolution. They strongly advised Billy Cheeks to consult his +medical man. This painful episode for the time quite damped the spirits +of the conspirators. "If anything happens to you, Billy, where would you +like to be buried?" the cook asked. They left the butcher to think the +matter over, and after a while the carpenter continued: "Having got +possession of everything, we will all live happily together ever +afterwards." The butcher, who had recovered himself asked, "How about +the old lion which keeps watch over the Buccaneer's affairs?" + +"Your hand, Billy," cried the carpenter groping about in the dark, "I +see you are better, and have taken up your character again of Chief +Obstructionist. If you don't like to join our party, go over to the +other watch. They are in want of men of substance." + +"Why do you catch one up so precious sharp?" cried the butcher, +irritated. "I suppose there is no harm in asking a simple question? Who +wants to go over to the other watch? Haven't I always stood by you and +Pepper, and defended you when you were both blackguarded and abused? One +would think you two were the Buccaneer's darlings, but you are neither +of you liked, though people may laugh at you, Pepper. What is the use of +my being here, if I am to keep my mouth shut? Chisel may act the part of +a dummy if he likes, but I will not." + +"Messmate, your hand," cried the carpenter again. "No offence, old man. +We are in the same boat, therefore we must pull together. There is an +old adage that applies to us." + +"It is no use our quarrelling over trifles," said the cook. "The old +lion is asleep: or out of wind, and he is just about as harmless as if +he were stuffed with hair or straw, and no one fears him now let him +roar ever so loud." + +"But to ease your mind, Billy," said the carpenter, "my mate shall draw +his teeth and cut his claws." + +"And pray why should I have all the dirty and dangerous work to do?" +said Chisel again. + +"What!" exclaimed the carpenter, in evident surprise. "Are you going to +take a leaf out of the butcher's book, mate! It seems we commented upon +your silence too soon; but if you are afraid to do the work; well let +his teeth and claws remain. Thus the difficulty is got over with ease. +After all, it is only a detail, and we will not come to loggerheads over +a detail." + +"There it is again," cried the butcher, "I swear I saw something like a +hand spread out fan-shape towards me. The thumb was from me, and seemed +attached to a human nose." + +This was very terrible, and the conspirators felt a creepy sensation all +over them. But the cook reassured them all, by saying, that very often +people, whose stomachs were out of order, suffered from optical +delusions. He said he felt sure Billy Cheeks must have eaten something +that had disagreed with him; so they took no further notice, and +proceeded with the business of the evening. + +"Of course we shall want assistance; but we can count upon the +Ojabberaways, they are always ready for anything in the shape of a row. +They have their price, then we shall have the Hodges, and the Sikes with +us. They are all ripe for action. Now another thing presents itself. We +must have a head, no body can get along without a head." + +"Some seem to get along very well without such a thing," said the cook. +This also was sarcasm. The cook loved it, and his tongue it was said was +as sharp as needles. "Well, my mates," he continued, "of course we must +have a head; but mind you, let us have no hereditary fool to fill the +office; and no baubles in the shape of crowns and court paraphernalia, +no court flunkies, my lads, to eat the bread of idleness, no court +pimps. I am dead against crowns. They are expensive articles, no matter +upon whose head they rest. Kings too often are little better than blood +suckers, and blood spillers, and all by the grace of God forsooth." + +The subject of a head for the new commonwealth, or whatever it was to be +called, was of so grave a nature that for some few minutes not one of +the conspirators spoke. Evidently each one was revolving in his own mind +as to upon whom the selection ought to fall, and no doubt each could +have solved the momentous question to his own entire satisfaction; but +modesty kept their thoughts locked up. Presently the carpenter spoke. + +"It's a detail," he said. They all agreed, and so the matter dropped, +not, however, before there had been a slight passage of arms between the +carpenter and the cook. "Of course," said Chips, "you are out of the +question, Pepper?" + +"And why so, pray?" was the indignant reply. "I didn't say I would take +the post if it were offered me; for I am not like some people I could +mention, of an ambitious turn of mind. No matter who falls, so long as +they mount." This must have hit the carpenter very hard. + +"Whoever heard of a cook being made a ruler?" the carpenter asked. + +"For the matter of that, whoever heard of a carpenter?" said the cook. + +"Why Pepper, my lad, where's your schooling? Does not a carpenter's son, +and one who was a carpenter himself rule the whole Christian World? But +that is neither here nor there. You are too small; you would not command +respect." + +"Now I am surprised to hear a man of your ability, Chips, talk such +utter nonsense. You seem to judge men as a butcher does his meat, by the +pound. That is the sort of thing perhaps a woman might do. If that is to +be your little game, you had better hoist Billy Cheeks up at once; he is +not exactly a skeleton, and, no doubt, he would fill the place as well +as any one else." + +"No offence, Pepper, no offence, mate; it is a detail," said the +carpenter. + +"Then let it be a detail; and I care not who you hoist over us, so long +as our head is neither expensive nor too highly gilded. But mind you, +the lumber room must go." + +They all agreed that this was a sensible way of looking at things, and +to appease the cook, no doubt, they would there and then have lightened +the ship by flinging over the whole of the Buccaneer's House of Lords, +but the heavy tread of the watchman aft made them abandon the idea for +the present; but as that ancient hereditary institution had fallen under +the cook's displeasure, it was not likely that it could survive such a +thing for long. + +"What are we to do with our foreign relations?" asked the carpenter's +mate. + +"Ah! Chisel, my lad, you are coming to the front," said the carpenter. + +"What have we to do with foreign relations?" the cook asked. "Let them +mind their own business, and we will mind ours." + +"The unfortunate thing is," said the butcher, "that they won't mind +their own business; no people will." The butcher gave another start and +declared he heard the mysterious sound at the back of the galley. + +"Well, Billy!" the carpenter exclaimed, "for a big man, you have about +the smallest heart of any man I ever met." + +Thus did the conspirators settle the affairs of the Buccaneer's nation. +But now another and most unmistakable sound saluted their ears. A cock +crowed loud and long. It is a well-known fact that neither spirits nor +conspirators can stand this sort of thing. "Ah!" cried the carpenter, +"there goes the shrill herald of the morn." Conspirators generally speak +in this florid manner. "The day has returned too soon. You have much to +answer for, Billy; for by your incessant interruptions you have +squandered our precious time. But no matter. My lads, one little thing +before we part. We shall want money. We cannot get on without the +needful. It is money that makes the old mare go." + +"I have a scheme here," cried the cook, "of raising the necessary wind." + +"Quick, Pepper, my man, where is that lamp of yours you are so fond of +flaunting before the eyes of people in the broad light of day. The torch +of Truth you call it." + +"Ah! Master Chips, the light of that lamp is only shed on other people's +business. It would never do here." + +It could never for a moment be supposed that these conspirators had not +their dark lanterns; and presently one was produced from the ample folds +of somebody's cloak, and they all stooped down as the cook unrolled his +plan and the light from the dark lantern fell upon the eager faces of +Billy Cheeks, the carpenter, his mate, and the cook. + +"Time, mates, is short, so I come to the point. This is a bill of sale." + +"So, so, a bill of sale," they all said in a low tone as they eyed the +piece of paper. + +"We will have an auction," said the cook; "our foreign relations we have +decided to let go; for we get more kicks than half-pence from them; but +our colonies we will sell." + +"Ha, ha!" laughed the butcher, hoarsely; "mind they don't sell you." + +"At it again, Billy," said the cook; "but it shows you're recovering +from your nervous attack. Lot No. 1. The Buccaneer's well-known property +of India. A rich possession comprizing over 200,000,000 of faithful +subjects, together with forts and garrisons fully armed and equipped, +and a most lucrative trade." + +"The Eastern Bandit no doubt will bid for that lot or perhaps he'll take +it," said the carpenter's mate. + +"Proceed, Pepper," cried the carpenter. + +"That cock won't fight," remarked the butcher. "You don't suppose our +master will allow his dusky princess to be bought or taken by his old +enemy, the Bandit." + +"Go on, Pepper," cried the carpenter; "Billy's state of health is +rapidly improving. Haste, my lad, for the silver foot of day is +advancing. In a short time his eye will be over yonder house-tops, and +if he looks upon us plotting in the cook's caboose, then farewell to our +plan and perhaps to our liberty as well." + +"Lot 2. Egypt. We may expect bidders for that country and 'caveat +emptor' say I. That is a country replete with articles of virtu, the +only thing is to find them. It is the proud possessor of an ancient +history. With this lot will go a discontented, harassed and +poverty-stricken people, and one or more high military reputations, and +may the devil fly away with the whole lot, say I. There are a few +others--things scarcely worth mentioning--such as the royal robes, crown +jewels, and other court paraphernalia." + +Here the discussion was suddenly put a stop to by the butcher, who gave +such a start that he knocked the carpenter's mate up against the cook, +who in turn nearly overturned Chips. The lantern was upset and the light +was put out. + +"What the devil is up now!" cried the cook, recovering himself. + +"I saw it again," said the butcher, in a terrified whisper. They all +pitied the butcher and declared that he was, without exception, about as +uncomfortable a member of a conspiracy as could possibly be found. There +was something almost uncanny about his behaviour, and no doubt less +doughty men would have been scared. It was now too late to continue with +their plans. They one and all said that the scheme was good and wanted +scarcely for anything except the carrying of it out, which they agreed +was a mere matter of detail. They complimented the cook upon his +suggested method of raising the necessary wind. They were all very well +pleased one with another, and as the carpenter dismissed them, he said: +"Bless ye, my lads! Away to your bunks, my honest fellows. The silver +king treads close upon the heels of the sable queen, so away and snatch +a few hours of repose. Then arise and buckle to your work. Mix well +amongst the people ashore. Sow broadcast the seeds of discontent, and so +prepare the way for action. The womb of time is big with great events. +Be civil, my mates, to the wild Ojabberaways, for at times it is +necessary to hold the candle to the devil himself. If we do not square +them, the other watch will." + +"The greedy office grabbers," cried the cook, "will leave no stone +unturned to get the helm; but we must dish them. For my part I have +always found the Ojabberaways a merry and clever lot of gentlemanly +devils." + +"To their many wants then," exclaimed the carpenter, "lend a kindly ear; +but keep your own counsel. Be thrifty of your words unless you use them +as our noble captain does, to conceal your thoughts. Away then, my lads! +What, does no one move? It is too late for ghosts to prowl about, and of +other things what have you to fear?" + +"Who is afraid, Master Chips?" the cook asked indignantly, "I was only +thinking." + +"Vast heaving, my hearties, while the cook thinks," cried the carpenter. +"In the meantime I will take a look round, the watchman may be about." +Chips drew his cloak round him and pulled his slouched hat well down +over his eyes; then with the stealthy walk peculiar to conspirators he +took a look round. Just as he reached the back of the cook's galley, he +heard what sounded like a splash in the water. It made him start; and +his heart beat hard against his side, his hair stood on end, and he had +to lean against the water-butt for support. "Pshaw!" he cried as he +shivered in the chill morning air, "I am getting as bad as Billy +Cheeks." The look-out man from aloft cried out, "All's well." Thus +reassured, the carpenter told his companions that the coast was clear, +so with cloaks well wrapped round them and hats well slouched they +sneaked away to their beds. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + +It was but a narrow strip of water that separated the old Sea King, or +Buccaneer, from his neighbours on the mainland. But narrow as the strip +was it had been and it was of the greatest service to him; for it kept +from his shores the numerous bands of robbers that infested the +mainland. Of course things had very much improved of recent years, but +still occasional robberies took place even now, and when an opportunity +offered it was not allowed to pass by. Since the world began it has been +said that honest men are few and rogues are many. + +There can be very little doubt that the veneer called civilisation has +done much for the world. It would appear, however, that when people are +collected together into a nation, they cannot even now look upon the +richness of a neighbour, without having some feelings of envy, and +experiencing a slight itching sensation at the ends of the fingers. + +Indeed, the study of history, and human nature generally, would lead us +to believe that man is not only a very lazy fellow by nature, never +working unless necessity compels him to; but that he is also a thief, +and is only honest by compulsion, or by learning that it is to his +personal advantage to be so. This much we may have hinted before. For +mankind in general we have the highest admiration and consideration; but +we cannot hide from ourselves the fact that it has with many virtues, +also very many faults, and love of other people's property seems to be +one. + +Man we will not run down or decry. Look you at the savage! There is a +great nobility about him, and in some things he compares most favourably +with his highly cultivated and civilised brother. The latter is perhaps +the proud possessor of a great intellect, of rank, of high position, +having a long line of ancestors to decorate the walls of his ancestral +hall. He may be the proud possessor of vast wealth, in fact, of +everything that leads to human greatness, and yet see how he sneaks into +a room as if he were some mean thing and thoroughly well ashamed of +himself. Contrast with this man the noble bearing of the savage, every +movement is as full of dignity, as, in all probability, his only blanket +is of insects. This man feels himself a lord of creation. His mantle +above alluded to he throws over his shoulders with an easy grace. His +only possession perhaps is his spear or tomahawk which he is ever ready +to bury in the stomach of an enemy or in the friendly earth. Then the +savage is silent, and when he does speak, he does not prove himself a +wind bag, but he speaks in measured tones, and with dignity and very +much to the point. There is none of that senseless gabbling which is +such a mark of Western civilisation, and which at times is so extremely +confusing and even distressing. He does not wash, you say? Good people +all, here the peculiar and special prejudice of civilisation presents +itself. Yes, the tub crowns your Western edifice; but did your Saint +James ever use the bath? The platter is well washed without, but within? +The savage is a noble being, though perhaps the rain that falls from a +generous heaven is the only washing he ever gets. + +The imagination loves to dwell upon the ideal. It peoples the garden of +Eden with beautiful and naked innocence. It loves to sing of the gentle +shepherd, who, decked in ribbons and becoming fancy pastoral garments, +pipes and dances to his flocks all day long, and in other ways wastes +his employer's time. Strip the gentle shepherd of the clothing +generously given him by the imagination and you find him a very rough +fellow indeed, not given to singing so much as to cursing, and instead +of dancing, is more ready to knock anyone on the head who interferes +with his sheep-stealing propensities. We speak, good people all, of +early pastoral times, of what we may call the ancient shepherd period. + +Heaven forbid! that we should say one word against civilisation. Do we +wish to live in a state of society which was so easily excited that if a +man but sneezed some fiery fellow would fancy himself insulted and out +with his bodkin and put it through one? Heaven forbid! we say again. +But, good people all, the struggle for existence is great. The weakest +at all times go to the wall. The noble savage allows his weakly and +sickly offspring to die; perhaps even at times he assists nature, +occasionally knocking an aged parent on the head, saving thereby much +pain and suffering on the one side, and trouble and anxiety on the +other. But see what your civilisation does. See how far superior it is; +how supremely human. It calls in that eminent physician Dr. Science, and +with his help your sickly human weeds are nourished and reared until +they are old enough and strong enough to marry and multiply. Weeds +produce weeds and quickly. A sickly body can only sustain a sickly mind, +and so the world wags and whole peoples become undermined. What would we +do? Nothing. We sit and watch things taking their course, and note the +many advantages that civilisation has over barbarism. + +It is an old, old tale, yet in the telling of it nature alone is not +prosy. She has such a way of telling the same story over and over again +and ever varying it some little in the telling. What wonderful powers of +variation has our mother! Take a million faces and by some subtle +combination of the same features she gives an individuality to each. But +to return to our noble savage. In a rough and ready fashion he surmounts +the difficulty of his useless members of society. By an extensive and +well-organised system, civilisation finds out the exact amount of +sustenance it takes to keep the body and soul together in an aged +broken-down pauper. Then separating an aged couple, who perhaps have +borne the brunt of many a misfortune together, it allows them to drain +to the last drop the dregs of life, holding up to them as a consolation +the plenty that lies in paradise. Civilisation justly condemns the +inhuman custom of the otherwise noble savage; but does not deny itself +the inward satisfaction of a sigh of relief when some person who, having +lingered perhaps a trifle too long over his or her exit, eventually +goes. "Poor soul," they say, "it is a happy release. Gone to a better +and a happier world, no doubt." A pauper's funeral brightens a district +and carries, if not joy, at least no sorrow to the hearts of the +guardians of the poor. + +We never said that civilisation was a gigantic workshop where hypocrites +and humbugs are turned out by the thousands every day, whilst its +religion occupies itself in manufacturing Pharisees. We have pointed +out, if we have not demonstrated, the admirable laws by which +civilisation works as regards the welfare of the poor, and we have shown +the care that it takes of its sickly weeds, given to them such eminent +advantages and allowing them to contaminate a whole community with their +sickliness. We have acknowledged how in all respects, with the sole +exception of grace and bearing, civilisation is superior to the savage +state. But this much we will say, many savages we have seen who are very +much more gentle in their manners; very much more honourable and even +refined in their feelings, and very much more humane, than the roughs of +civilisation. No doubt every civilised family has its extremely black +sheep. The Buccaneer certainly had his, and compared with them, the +gentle savage is a well-bred gentleman. + +Then look at your pale-faced drudge of civilisation. With bent back and +emaciated face and smarting eyes, her thin but nimble fingers stitch on +from early morning, till after the weary sun has sunk to rest. On, on, +she works with scanty food, and in an impure atmosphere. Poor soul, has +civilisation done much for her? Has it buttered her bread more thickly +or sweetened more her tea? Is her lot any better than that of her sister +who toils and slaves out in the open, while her brave lies and basks in +the sun of idleness? + +But we have wandered far from that narrow strip of water that divided +the Buccaneer from his neighbours on the mainland. It had been to him as +a magic belt, and worth more than thousands of men. His neighbours had +to look on and long and wonder perhaps how it was that such a man had +been allowed to prosper. But all have heard of the row in the kitchen, +between the pot and the kettle. His neighbours, however, repudiated with +scorn any evil intentions and they only kept themselves armed to the +teeth to keep wicked robbers and cut-throats away; but it was a wonder +to many people where they could be, because, if asked, all declared that +all they wished for was to be allowed to live in peace, and quietude, so +that they might enjoy the reward of their honest, industrious, and +highly respectable lives, and fit themselves for heaven. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + +Arriving on the shores of his nearest neighbour, Madame France, the +Buccaneer landed, and as he intended to make a few calls inland, he sent +his yacht round to the Golden Horn with orders to await there his +arrival. + +The Buccaneer took off his hat and made his politest bow; but his +reception was by no means as cordial as he had expected. As is well +known by all those who have experienced it, there is nothing so freezing +as the cold politeness of a haughty beauty. It requires more brazen +effrontery than even old Dogvane had, to carry it off with a high handed +dignity as if nothing was wrong. That Madame France was beautiful there +could be no doubt, and she would have made the blood quicken in the +veins of the most eminent saint, and as for a sinner! well, there is no +use going into particulars. + +It is more than probable that the charms of this lady were not lost upon +either the Buccaneer or his trusty captain William Dogvane. Then, as if +the devil was in it, Madame had added to her natural beauty, by calling +in the assistance of every art. Her figure was neat and most attractive, +and her dress left nothing to be desired. In her display of charms she +was generous without being coarse and vulgar, and her short kirtle +discovered the prettiest of ankles, and just enough of a well-shaped leg +to be peculiarly attractive. Even old Bill felt young again and his eyes +glistened with delight, and he was no less inclined to be gallant than +his master, who for the time forgot the precept taught him by his +religion about coveting other people's goods. + +Having coldly acknowledged the salutation she turned her back upon her +visitors and pouted her pretty lips. "Master Dogvane," said the +Buccaneer addressing that worthy, "there is not much cordiality here." + +"It beats me altogether, sir," the captain replied, "but there is no +understanding women, and, as everyone knows, Madame here is peculiarly +fickle and uncertain. They all seem to go by the rule of contrary. She +is an arrant coquette I'll be bound; but, Master, what a pretty foot and +what a lovely leg." + +"Dogvane!" cried the Buccaneer as he gazed upon the attractions alluded +to, "you forget yourself." Then addressing the haughty beauty he said, +"Madame, in what have I been so unfortunate as to meet with your +displeasure? It is many years now since we had any cause for quarrel and +all old wounds I trust are healed, and as I bear no malice, Madame, I +hope you bear none. How then have I displeased you?" + +"Monsieur, your memory methinks is short. Was I not set upon and beaten? +Was I not hurt and bleeding? Was I not struck down until I bit the dust, +and you never held out a hand to help me? Monsieur, my memory is better, +I do not forget, I never shall." + +"Oh! damn these violent memories!" exclaimed Dogvane aside. + +"But, Madame, that is now an old old story," the Buccaneer replied. "Is +it right to carry resentment so far? Is it acting up to the religion +that we both profess?" + +"Monsieur's reputation for piety is extremely great," said his fair +neighbour, while a sneer played round her pretty mouth; she then added, +"An injury, Monsieur, is never old." + +"Madame!" cried the Buccaneer still wishing to appease, "you had my +extreme sympathy." + +"Sympathy!" cried Madame France, "sympathy! of what avail is that +against battalions?" + +"I dressed your wounds, I attended your sick and I sent you money, lint, +and plaster." + +"Sent me money!" exclaimed Madame France scornfully. Then suddenly +changing her manner to a tone of polite sarcasm she said, "Pardon, +Monsieur! I had forgotten, yes, you sent me money. It must have been a +great sacrifice for you to part with what you love so well. The +shopkeeper does not like to drain his till, even for a friend in need. I +beg Monsieur's pardon a thousand times. I did not too fully appreciate +his kindness. I have not sufficiently thanked my mercantile neighbour. +Permit me, Monsieur," she said with a profound curtsey, "to thank you +for your extravagant consideration and extreme sympathy." + +The Buccaneer was going to reply; but Dogvane, fearing a storm, almost +dragged his master away. "But this is not as it should be, Dogvane. It +is not right." + +As they went away Madame France muttered something, but the only word +that reached the Buccaneer was "perfidious." This was an old retort. + +"This is not right, Master Dogvane!" he cried. + +"Decidedly wrong, sir. The grossest piece of ingratitude I have ever +experienced. Ah! we can plainly see, she has not forgiven you for +remaining neutral in her last row with her burly neighbour inland. But a +stale page of history is that." + +"Master Dogvane, even a woman's resentment cannot last too long. There +must be something else. Have you, Master Dogvane, been doing anything to +put her out?" + +"I can tax my memory with nothing, sir; but the other watch, who can +tell what they've been up to? Softly, my master, softly. For heaven's +sake come away. Say nothing to increase her anger. The least said, +soonest mended. Is she not fair to look upon?" added Dogvane looking +back as did Lot's wife. "What ripe lips!" + +"What has that to do with it?" + +"Nothing, sir, nothing; what a lovely foot! what an ankle too! what a +comely leg!" + +"What the devil, I say again, has that to do with it?" cried the +Buccaneer. + +"Nothing, sir, nothing. I merely ventured the remark that she was +comely. No doubt that other watch have been at their handiwork. Master, +you are a bit too brusque in your manner. Women don't like it; if you +had flattered more, you would have pleased more. You should have praised +her beauty; gone into an ecstasy of delight over her many charms. Do +you not think, sir, that the kirtle was an inch or two too long?" + +The Buccaneer turned sharply upon his captain and rebuked him, told him +plainly that although he was captain of his watch, he had no business to +cast eyes upon his fair neighbour. Then he said, "She quarrelled with a +friend of mine, and you are for ever telling me that I ought not to +interfere, in things that don't concern me." + +"You acted in that little affair, sir, like an upright, honest, +gentleman; but do what you will you cannot please everyone. You did your +best to prevent a row and you could do no more. But that is not where +the shoe pinches. The other watch no doubt, the other watch. Let her +alone, my master, to cool. When a woman is enraged, there is no arguing +with her. No doubt some domestic trouble has disturbed her. She has +always something on. Ah! I see it now," exclaimed Dogvane stopping +short. "Some time ago she went in largely for old china and we all know +that is an expensive luxury and probably the bill was larger than she +expected. There are a thousand little things, trifles as light as air, +in every household, that though hidden from the eye of the casual +observer, help to ruffle the temper even of the most amiable woman. Did +you notice, sir, her well turned ankle and shapely leg?" The old +Buccaneer either did not hear, or did not approve of Dogvane's continued +allusion to Madame France's charms. The captain, thinking he was still +grieving over his cold reception, sought to console him by saying, "What +though Madame France be cold and turn her back upon you, I feel +confident that the island of Sark is with you to a man." + +"The island of Sark!" exclaimed the Buccaneer in astonishment, "what has +that to do with it?" + +"Everything, sir," replied Dogvane. "For the island of Sark if not +actually France is very near to it; and the moral support of such a +place is not to be despised." + +The Buccaneer seemed lost in meditation, from which he was only aroused +by Dogvane exclaiming: "Ah! here we are, sir, at the door of your worthy +German cousin, with whom you are allied by blood, by the holy bonds of +wedlock, and by religion." + +The mighty Von was sitting outside, in his garden overlooking the waters +that divided him from his beautiful neighbour. He had a tankard by his +side and a pipe in his mouth, for he was a great smoker. + +The Buccaneer found that his reception here was scarcely more cordial +than what it had been elsewhere. "Have I in any way done my worthy +friend an injury?" the Buccaneer asked, turning to Dogvane. + +"God forbid, sir, that you should do any man an injury," was the reply. +"It has been my constant endeavour to keep you at peace with all men." +This perhaps was true, but the result was not satisfactory. + +"Give me an honest grip of thy friendly hand, neighbour," the Buccaneer +exclaimed, as he held out his. The Von held out his but there was +nothing hearty in the shake. "How is this, friend, thy grip used to be +harder?" said the Buccaneer. + +"Mein hand is mein own," replied the mighty Von. + +"Tell me in what I have offended thee. If I have done thee an injury I +will make amends. What, will my old friend not speak?" + +"Mein counsel like mein hand is mein own, mein friend, and I keep them +both." + +"How do you account for this, Master Dogvane?" asked the Buccaneer, +somewhat crestfallen. + +"It is passing strange, sir, and I can only think that this is another +piece of handiwork of the other watch. Their capacity for bungling is +extremely great. But come away, sir. There is an old adage which says, +'it is ill to waken sleeping dogs.' It applies here." So saying he led +his master away; but before they had gone very far Dogvane again stopped +short. "Stay, I do remember there was some trivial dispute about a patch +of barren land. Tut, tut, to think now that so great a friend should be +affronted at such a trifle. The exact merits of the case have now +escaped me; but as I was prepared to give way all round there need be +no ill feeling on such a subject; only to think now--but there, some +people are that touchy that there is no pleasing them." The captain now +began to sing to an old well-known song, some words of his own-- + + "The Von a mighty man is he with large and sinewy arms." + +"Dogvane, cease; this is no time to exercise your vocal powers. I have +been a good friend to my German relations. I verily believe that I +support half his army in the bands that are for ever braying out their +discordant sounds in my streets. Then are not my own people constantly +at me for employing my foreign relations to the prejudice of my own +children? and with some show of justice too, for German bakers make my +bread, German tailors make most of my clothes, and German Jews are +constantly draining away my money. Do I not find royal wives for German +princelets, and do I not dower them handsomely into the bargain? and yet +they give me the cold shoulder in return. No matter who dances, Master +Dogvane, it seems to me it is I who have to pay the piper. To one of my +worthy friend's sons, poor fellow, I begrudged nothing, for he was a +king of kings and a fine manly fellow, and one who will never die." + +"Marriage, my master, often severs families instead of uniting them. +This only bears out what I am constantly telling you, and that is to +have as little as possible to do with your relations. But, master, a +good deal of what we call ingratitude in others is due to faults in +ourselves. We start by expecting more than we deserve, and are +disappointed when we only get our deserts; but, of course, we never +think of putting the saddle on the right back." + +Our two travellers, weary, thirsty, and dust-stained, now came to +Austria, and were in hopes of getting a more friendly reception; such a +one, in fact, that would justify them in staying there and breaking +bread and drinking a flagon of wine for the sake of good fellowship. But +no, Dogvane had managed to tread upon the toes of Austria, and had got +himself disliked even here. He swore it was a part of that terrible +inheritance he had received over from the other watch. According to his +own account, no man was ever so unfortunate. + +Dogvane now entered upon a most lengthy and learned explanation upon the +quality of gratitude, and what he said upon such a matter would deserve +the greatest consideration, but weightier things still, attended upon +their footsteps. + +A messenger arrived post haste to say, that information had been +received through the proper official channel, that the great Bandit of +the East was behaving himself in an altogether unaccountable and strange +manner. In fact, that he had broken into one Abdur's garden, and was +playing, what was called in unofficial language general, Old Harry, +there. + +"Here is another of your confounded foreign relations cropping up," said +Dogvane to himself. + +"How about this, Master Dogvane?" exclaimed the Buccaneer. + +"Why, this sort of thing, sir, has been going on for ages, and it is +nothing more nor less than a party trick of the other watch, at the +bottom of which, no doubt, is that mischievous young imp, Random Jack. I +have myself frequently asked the Eastern Bandit about these unsavoury +reports, and his smile was childlike and bland as he replied, that if +anything was going on wrong, he knew nothing about it. He is a truthful +and a Christian man and would not tell a lie, not for the whole Empire +of India. At least, if he would, I have no official information upon the +subject." + +"Well, Master Dogvane, the readiest way to set the matter at rest is to +go and see for ourselves." + +"That would be a most undignified proceeding, sir. You cannot expect +foreign nations to respect you if you go and poke your nose into other +people's dustbins. Besides, sir, it would be a most unconstitutional +thing; and before undertaking it, we at least ought to retrace our steps +home and set the official mind at work to find out a precedent. Then if +such a thing can be found, which I very much doubt, we will at once +proceed to the scene of action, and throw the light of our official eye +upon the Eastern Bandit, who, no doubt, being dazzled and frightened by +such an unusual occurrence, will fear some revolution of nature, and so +retire to his own ground." + +"Master Dogvane, the official coach is far too slow for an occasion like +this. We can walk the distance very much quicker, so set thy face to the +East and march. And on our way we will pay the honest Turk a visit." + +"Oh lord!" exclaimed Dogvane to himself, "here is another kettle of +fish. Sir, are we not tired, hungry, and thirsty? And the weather is +much too warm for such a journey. But, if go we must, gallivanting about +in the East, we shall save a little, sir, if we leave this Turk on our +right hand." + +"Master Dogvane, the Turk is a friend of mine. We have fought side by +side against the Eastern Bandit, and may be we shall have to do so +again. I will therefore pay my respects to him." + +"I would kick him bag and baggage out of Europe if I had my way," +muttered old Dogvane. + +The Buccaneer found the head of the Moslem world pensively smoking his +chibouck. "Ah!" said he, "you, at least, my honest friend, will not turn +your back upon me. I have at least you to fall back upon." + +"Monsieur, I salute you," said the Turk with extreme politeness. "When +you want to get anything out of me you call me friend and honest Turk; +when you do not, I am a rogue, a vagabond, and little better than a +barbarian. A while since, and your captain was for kicking me, bag and +baggage, out of Europe." Dogvane was a little taken aback at having been +overheard, but he soon recovered himself and was ready to argue that if +his words were taken properly they could bear no such signification. + +The Buccaneer was so taken by surprise that he could not speak, while +Dogvane, shading his eyes with his hand, cast a look towards the +beautiful Golden Horn, to see if the yacht was there, for he was weary +of travelling, and had become what is called home-sick, and had he never +had to consider things abroad, the chances are it would have been very +much better for his reputation, and for that of his master. He said, +"What is the use of your meandering in foreign parts, sir, you have a +nice, snug, well-feathered little nest in the Western Ocean, where +everything smiles upon you. There lies your yacht; then let us aboard: +weigh anchor, and make for the rosy bed of the setting sun." + +The Turk interrupted: "It suits your purpose, mon ami," he said, +addressing the Buccaneer, "to seek my friendship now. But the honest +Turk was not born yesterday, and he is very much more than seven, so he +allies himself with those who will not cast him off when they have no +further need of him." + +This roused the suspicions of the Buccaneer. "Whatever you do," he +cried, "do not ally yourself with the Eastern Bandit. Give him a wide +berth or he will pluck you to your last feather." + +"An open enemy," replied the Turk, "is better than a treacherous friend. +Pat my back to-day; kick--but no matter, Allah is good! There is but one +God, and Mohammed is his prophet." + +"Treacherous friend," ejaculated the Buccaneer, turning to the captain. +"Does the Turk call me treacherous, Master Dogvane?" + +"Heaven forbid such a thing, sir! The Turk merely made a general remark, +which in the abstract no doubt is true. But, master, leave the Turk +alone. If you do not come speedily away he will borrow of you for a +certainty." + +"But he has been my friend, Master Dogvane, for these many years." + +"True, sir; and you have treated him more kindly than you usually do +your friends, whom you occasionally fall out with; even coming to blows +at times. But the Turk's friendship, good master, is of a costly kind. +He is a ready borrower, but a tardy payer. Look at the money he has +spent in riotous living? Honest enough, no doubt; but as he is always +out at elbows he cannot afford to indulge in such a luxury. A needy +friend, good master, is a constant source of annoyance; for when poverty +comes, pride goes, and your friend soon sinks into the degraded position +of a most importunate and shameless beggar." + +"I do not like to turn my back upon a friend just because he is down in +the world, Master Dogvane." + +"The feeling does you credit; it is noble; but, good sir, we must draw +a line, lest at any time we give countenance to vice. We often deceive +ourselves, and act as we think, generously, either out of idleness or +fear, lest the babbling world should condemn us for want of kindness to +those in need. God forbid that you should forsake a friend because he is +down! But when a man has brought his suffering and misfortunes upon +himself, then, good master, sympathy is bestowed upon a worthless +object. Why should you assist one who will not help himself? Who so long +as he can borrow will spend? The Turk will not live within his means, +and you have found, sir, that you cannot enjoy his friendship without +paying heavily for it." With reflections like these Dogvane led his +master away, and the Turk watched their retreating steps with +half-closed eyes; but yet he was not asleep; but the precise nature of +his thoughts cannot, for obvious reasons, be disclosed. + +"Oh for a sniff of the fresh sea air!" cried Dogvane, as he looked +wistfully towards the ocean. "To feel yourself once more afloat, master, +with your empire beneath your feet, and your good little ship dancing +merrily to the music of the waves, would make a different man of you." + +"Aye, aye, Master Dogvane, perhaps it would; but I have other fish to +fry just at present. Those were merry days when I ploughed the seas in +search of adventure, and it all comes back to me like a dream. I fancy I +hear now the clack, clack of my many windlasses; the yo! heave-ho! of my +merry men, as they sheeted home their sails, and mast-headed their +yards. The brave sea fights; the brilliant actions of my lads; the +sinking of the enemy's ships, all, all comes back upon me. I fancy I can +see my merry men, pike in hand, swarming over the ship's sides, while we +poured in broadsides muzzle to muzzle. I almost hear their shouts. They +strike, they strike, Dogvane, while our colours still fly proudly over +us, nailed to the mast. See the ocean blurred with their life's blood. +Ah! it is past, Dogvane, it is past. Lend me thy shoulder, man, lend me +thy shoulder, for my eyes are dim. Alas! they are clouded by memory. Are +those good old days gone, never, never to return?" + +Dogvane had learned from experience that when his master had on him one +of these fits of despondency, the best thing to be done was to let him +alone. He contented himself with saying, "Every age, my master, has its +advantages. We cannot say that the spring is more beautiful than the +summer, nor yet the summer than the autumn, while hoary-headed winter is +not free from charms." + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + +Away our two friends journeyed until they came to a high eminence which +commanded a good view of all the country round. At their feet was spread +the garden of Abdur, and in the distance was to be seen the El Dorado of +the East. The fair lands of the Buccaneer's Indian Princess. How lovely +it all looked; the hot sun streaming down on plains covered with jungle +and the tall cocoanut trees with their long stems and bushy heads; and +the shady plaintain with its long, broad leaves. Then rivers wound +through the plain like huge silver serpents making their endless way to +the sea. + +As may be easily imagined, the Buccaneer who was not accustomed to such +lengthy and arduous journeys, was completely done up, for the ascent had +been steep and difficult; often had he stopped to admire the scenery, an +excuse generally made by the weary, who are too proud to admit that they +are in the smallest degree overcome. Rivulets of perspiration were +running down the old gentleman's face, and it took him some time to mop +himself and gain his breath. Dogvane, as the saying is, had not turned a +hair. Whether this was on account of the paucity of that article, or the +general leanness of his condition, it is not necessary to say. + +The Buccaneer sat and contemplated in silence the beauty of the scene +before him, while the captain of his watch looked through the left +corner of his eye towards Abdur's home. Presently a shout in that +direction made the Buccaneer start from his happy reverie, and turning +to his left there he saw the Eastern Bandit, apparently enjoying himself +in Abdur's garden, and not keeping to the pathways either, but trampling +borders and beds under foot. "Hallo! Master Dogvane," exclaimed the +Buccaneer, "sure enough there he is at his handiwork, just as we were +told." + +"Be not too hasty, master," Dogvane replied. "Things are not always as +they seem; so somebody has said, and I believe him. We are absolutely +without any official information on the subject, while, on the contrary, +I have the august Bandit's word for it, that he wants nothing out of +Abdur's garden, and I believe him, for the fruit is of a prickly kind, +and not at all enticing. In fact, more fit for asses than for human +beings." + +"Facts are stubborn things, Master Dogvane, and seeing surely is +believing." + +"Not always, sir; for how many people are deceived by their eyes? one +swearing he saw one thing, another swearing the very reverse. Things are +deceptive, more especially when seen through glasses dimmed by +prejudice." Dogvane said nothing about the dimness of the official eye, +which is well known to be as nearly blind as possible, without being +absolutely so. He put his glass up and took a survey, taking good care +that that part of Abdur's garden where the Bandit was should not come +within his range. "For my part," he said, "I do not think the Eastern +Bandit is in Abdur's garden. You may depend upon it, sir, he is merely +going through the time honoured custom of beating the bounds." + +"Then you go down, Master Dogvane, and see that the boundaries are +fairly marked." + +"It has ever been the custom to take some small boy, and by bumping him +or whipping him upon the breech at certain places, to engraft the +boundaries indelibly upon his memory. I am too old a man for this. It is +a thousand pities that we have not young Random Jack with us. He is for +ever wishing to render you some signal service, as much to make a name +for himself as to do good to you. Now, this would be an excellent +opportunity for him to show his zeal, and I regret extremely that the +lad is not here. It would be well worth while to send for him." + +Dogvane's meditations were put a stop to by the Buccaneer exclaiming, as +he brought down his telescope and shut up the slides with a bang: "As I +hope to be saved, Master Dogvane, the Bandit is in our friend Abdur's +garden!" Here he opened his spy-glass again and took another look. "And +what is more," he added, "the rascal seems inclined to lay his hands +upon what does not belong to him." + +Fat as the Buccaneer had grown, and lazy as his prosperity and good +living had made him, he did at times rouse himself, and when he did he +frequently flew into the most violent fits of passion, and made use of +the most terrible language, and altogether forgetting that he was a +Christian he would swear like any Turk, or the proverbial trooper. Our +friend was now seized with a warlike epidemic, which, as a rule, is very +infectious. He was for fighting his old enemy at once, for he felt fully +persuaded that he must be in the wrong. Dogvane, the man of peace, tried +to calm his master down, and begged him to take things quietly; saying +that it was time enough to draw the sword when diplomacy failed. + +The Buccaneer when he heard that word, ripped out several oaths of such +a nature, as to make Dogvane's hair stand on end. This annoyed the +Buccaneer still more, and he requested Dogvane, in tones not to be +disobeyed, not to do it. The captain apologized, and declared it was the +"wind, and nothing more;" showing that his mind was far away. The +Buccaneer, however, quickly brought him back to his senses, by +commanding him to ask the Eastern Bandit, in the politest manner +possible, what the devil he meant, by trespassing upon other people's +property. Of course, things had to be done in a proper way, and strictly +according to custom. Dogvane knew very well that it was quite useless to +ask the Eastern Bandit for any information, because, whatever his +intentions might be, it was not at all likely that he would disclose +them. To do so, would be to act in a manner altogether undiplomatic. But +obedient to his master's commands, the captain of the watch went to a +small rivulet that sprang out of the mountain side close by. This tiny +stream after bounding from rock to rock of its mountain bed, fell down +into the plain below, and then widening and growing deeper and deeper, +rolled lazily through Abdur's garden, refreshing its parched soil with +its grateful waters. + +Dogvane put his hand to the side of his mouth and sent down on the bosom +of the rivulet a request couched in the most polite language to know +what the great Bandit of the East was about. Back came a voice from the +plains below, saying, "The august Bandit of the East, the master of many +millions of slaves, requests the Buccaneer of the West to mind his own +business." + +"Tells me to mind my own business, does he? And call you that a +diplomatic answer, Master Dogvane?" + +"Most assuredly," replied the captain. "It would have been quite as easy +for him to have told you to go to the devil. How can you find fault with +him, or anyone else, for telling you to mind your own business. It is +what every right-minded and honest man ought to do." + +"But it is what every right-minded and honest man does not like to be +told to do. This business is mine, Master Dogvane. Do you not see that +he is putting his huge foot forward?" + +"My eyesight in such things is somewhat dim; but be not hasty. In times +past, sir, your rashness has led you into sad trouble. For all we know +the Eastern Bandit does but stretch his leg, preparatory to making a +backward movement. For my part, I think this must be so. I go so far as +to say that it is so; for I have entered into an agreement with him; or +it may be an arrangement, or even a sacred covenant." + +"The devil take your covenant!" cried the Buccaneer, "I am going to see +into this little matter myself," and away the old gentleman started off, +with a speed that endangered his neck. Dogvane needs must follow; but he +was not so good going down as up a hill on occasions like this. "Steady, +my master! Steady!" he cried. "The more haste, the less speed. God +forbid that we should not uphold the sacred ties of friendship; but, +sir, I beg you; I beseech you, not to be rash. Remember, those who +quarrels interpose, often wipe a bloody nose. Let us try the gentle +force of reason first, then if that fails--" + +"What then, Master Dogvane?" said the Buccaneer, stopping and turning +round to confront his captain. + +"Time, sir, and the course of events alone can tell. In a good cause, +in a righteous cause, old Will Dogvane will be found ever ready to draw +the sword." + +"Damme! Dogvane, there's life in the old dog yet." + +"Sir, swear not; it makes my blood curdle in my veins." + +"Dogvane! Dogvane!" cried the Buccaneer, "As I live he is beating +Abdur's children!" + +"And why not, sir? why not? no doubt, they richly deserve it. Have you +not taken the liberty of doing the self same thing yourself?" + +They were now very much closer, and Dogvane put up his glass to his +official eye, and declared he saw nothing out of the way going on. This +so irritated the Buccaneer, that he performed something in the nature of +a miracle, and he made Dogvane receive his sight. He owned that he did +see something in the nature of a beating taking place. Then he said by +way of excuse: "You can not expect, sir, to have a monopoly of beating +other people's children. But at any rate," he continued, "the time has +come for us to show the Eastern Bandit that we are not to be trifled +with. We are now near enough for him to see. The man who will not stand +up for a friend in need, deserves to be branded with the name of +coward." + +"Bravo, Dogvane!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, "I don't care for sentiment, +as a rule; for it generally cloaks some infernal rascality; but damme +that's a good sentiment, and one to my liking." + +Dogvane felt an honest pride in having thus pleased his master. He felt +also encouraged, so taking off his coat and turning up his shirt sleeves +he said, "When the Eastern Bandit sees the sinews of my goodly arms, he +will, no doubt, become frightened, and pause ere he provokes me to +anger; but, master, you will stand by me?" + +"Through thick and thin, Dogvane!" + +"It will be a costly affair, for I needs must make gigantic +preparations. I shall have to go into training." + +"Name but your sum, Dogvane, and it is yours," cried the fighting old +Buccaneer in an ecstasy of delight. + +"It cannot be done comfortably, sir, under L11,000,000," replied the +captain. + +"It is yours, Dogvane! It is yours, I am rich, and I am generous." + +"Has the taking off of my coat in any way frightened him, my master? +Your eyesight is better than mine." + +"Not a bit, Dogvane. The beggar is dancing about just as if the whole +place belonged to him. Go in, old man, and win. Nail your colours to the +mast," the old sea king could not forget his early days, with its quaint +language. "And may God defend the right!" he piously exclaimed as he +took off his hat and raised his eyes devoutly to heaven. Of course there +could be little doubt in the Buccaneer's own mind as to who was in the +right. As has already been stated he fully believed that God was always +on his side, and if he did come off second best, it was the Devil who +for some good reason was allowed, for the time being, to prevail against +him. This is a pardonable vanity and is shared by many other pious and +devout people. With Dogvane it was different. He was blessed, or cursed +according to the way it is looked at, with a most tender conscience, and +though he never allowed it for any length of time to stand in his way, +it caused him so to act, that people condemned him as a splitter of +straws and a weigher of scruples. While he was thus occupied he +generally allowed the golden opportunity to pass by and thus he +frequently brought his wares to the market a day or so after the fair. +And many a time the words "too late" were hung out over the gate he +wished to enter at. + +Scarcely had the Buccaneer finished the above pious ejaculation than +Dogvane's stout right arm fell listlessly to his side. He drooped his +head as he repeated, in a low tone of voice, the words of his master: +"And may God defend the right! That sends a cold thrill through every +vein in my body. Suppose," he said, addressing his master. "Suppose; I +say suppose, my master, we are in the wrong, what a weight of +blood-guiltiness will rest upon our heads? Suppose we are in the wrong, +and being in the wrong we spill the blood of a fellow-creature? Good +master, I have a qualm of conscience." + +"Oh! damn your conscience!" cried the Buccaneer, whose blood was up. Of +course such language is reprehensible in the extreme; no matter who uses +it; but it is doubly so when it falls from the lips of a pious Christian +gentleman. But, good people all, what is bred in the bone, will come out +in the flesh. Dogvane recoiled from such language. + +"Damn not my conscience, sir, nor that of any other man," he said, for +his religion was unlike many a modern lady's beauty, it was even more +than skin deep. + +"Conscience," continued Dogvane, "is the guiding star by which we steer +these frail barks of ours through life. Too many of us do not, +consequently we find ourselves lost amidst shoals and quicksands. In a +just cause, in a righteous cause I will fight." + +"What!" cried the Buccaneer in amazement, "are you going to put your +coat on again?" + +"This, sir, is a matter that must receive our gravest consideration. +Before we fight we must thoroughly sift the matter in the inmost +recesses of the mind, until we are fully convinced of the sacredness of +our cause. The man--" + +"Stay, Master Dogvane! Not another word in that direction as you value +the wholeness of your skin. Give me anything you like; but damme, don't +try my temper with another sentiment." + +"What I was going to say, most noble master, is this. If we have in any +way offended the Bandit of the East, we must make what reparation we can +by craving his pardon." + +"What!" cried the Buccaneer, "are you going to humble me before all the +world?" + +"Nay, sir; call it not by such a name. It is a noble thing, and the act +of a great and generous mind to own freely that it is in the wrong. I do +not humble you. I exalt you and place you upon a high pinnacle of +perfection. It requires more courage to own oneself in the wrong than it +does to take up the sword. It stands to reason, sir, that we both cannot +be in the right; this being conceded why should not the wrong be on our +side, nay, what more likely than that it is? Let us then sheathe the +bloody brutalizing sword until the merits of the case are fully shown." + +"And are all your mighty words to go for nothing, Master Dogvane? How +about my honour? How about my honour?" said the Buccaneer sorrowfully. + +"Honour, sir!" replied Dogvane. "Honour! what is honour that you should +shed human blood over it? It is but a breath that comes from the mouths +of other people, and the same mouth is as ready to damn as bless. This +honour, what is it? It is here to-day, it is gone to-morrow, and is +hunted often to death by envy, hatred, and malice, until in the end it +is handed over to the tender mercies of its adversary shame. This self +same honour that is so much lauded, is a picker of quarrels, a shedder +of blood, a vain boaster, and a veritable swashbuckler. This honour is +the veriest bubble that man ever fought for, or prated about, and it has +done more mischief in the world than any other of man's vain causes of +strife; because no principle has been so plentifully abused, except, +perhaps, the principle of religion. For this self same honour, or its +shadow, you have sacrificed countless thousands of your own sons, and +slaughtered countless thousands of other people's. For the sake of this +honour you have burdened yourself with a debt that you will carry with +you to your grave and it will bend your back, more and more each day you +live. God grant that in the end it does not crush you beneath its +weight. We will place this matter in the hands of others who will +arbitrate between you and the Eastern Bandit, who, I cannot but think, +is grossly maligned. This, good master, will be a more humane, a more +civilised, and a more Christian method of settling your dispute." + +During this harangue of Dogvane's the spirits of the Buccaneer kept on +falling and falling until despair sat heavily at his heart. There was +something quite pathetic in his bearing as he said: "Master Dogvane, I +do not wish to be better than my neighbours. They are all Christians, +and yet they all fight. Madame France is armed to the teeth. My German +cousin sleeps in armour always, with one eye open. Then, why should I +hang up my sword, pistols and buckler and resent neither rebuke, +insult, nor injury? In such a matter as this, is it wise to trust to a +third party?" + +"Master, what does your religion teach you? Be you the pioneer of a +better state of things. God knows we have had fighting enough." + +"I wish my old coxswain were here," said the Buccaneer. "This is an +occasion when his advice would come in well." Perhaps, had he been +present he might have told his master that he had better turn monk at +once and start a monastery if he intended to follow the advice of the +captain of the watch. Why, you ask, did not this fighting, hard +swearing, and hard drinking old sea king whip out his hanger and go in +at the Bandit himself? + +Good people all, it must be remembered, that he now conducted his +business on purely constitutional principles, and he would have violated +some one or many of these had he so acted. So wedded was he to his +constitution that it is probable he would have preferred to be utterly +ruined by sticking to it, than saved by going in any way against it. He +was a great stickler for routine, red tape, and custom. They, for the +time, left the Eastern Bandit in the full enjoyment of his actions. +Dogvane broke the silence. "Sir," he said, "I have in my mind's eye a +worthy potentate who may, for a small consideration, be induced to serve +you in this dispute you have with the Eastern Bandit. King +Hokeepokeewonkeefum--" + +"What!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, in surprise. + +"Does the length of the name astonish you, sir? We have near neighbours +whose names, were they all joined together, far exceed the one just +mentioned. All great and illustrious people have long names; but they +are all capable of contraction. King Hokee, sir, as we will for brevity +call him." + +"What!" exclaimed the Buccaneer again, almost breathless with amazement. +"Entrust my affairs to a black?" There was an adjective used, but for +various reasons it has not been recorded. + +"Surely, sir," replied Dogvane, "you are above the prejudice of colour. +Though black, King Hokee has no doubt a mind particularly free from +prejudice. Is he not a man and a brother? Besides, sir, to borrow +somewhat from perhaps a greater William than myself: Hath not King Hokee +eyes? Hath he not hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, +passions? If he has not I have no official information on the subject. +Is he not fed by the same food, hurt by the same weapons, subject to the +same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same +winter and summer as we are? If you prick King Hokee, think you he will +not bleed? If you tickle him, will he not laugh? If you poison him, will +he not die?" + +"Cease, Master Dogvane; no more of this. You have stabbed me, and verily +I bleed. To think that the old sea king should be brought so low as to +ask a favour from a damned black!" + +For certain weighty reasons the adjective here is not omitted. + +"Have I then no friend, Master Dogvane; no great neighbour to whom I can +entrust this affair?" + +"It is one of the penalties attached to greatness, sir, to be without +friends. The great stand upon an eminence and look down upon a gaping +crowd of admirers, flatterers, and detractors; but they have no friends, +at least not worth the mentioning. Besides, King Hokee would do the +thing cheaper. A tin star with an appropriate appellation would satisfy +him, and you could make him pay handsomely for the star." + +"Am I then placed so high up on this bleak and sterile peak? I have done +a great deal for Egypt; surely she will show me some little kindness? To +show that my prejudice for colour is not great I will place the matter +in her hands." + +"People served, sir, have but short memories," was Dogvane's reply. + +"We will at any rate break our journey back there, Master Dogvane, and +we can mention the subject to the gipsy queen." + +The captain did not seem to relish this, for he said in a disparaging +manner: "Yes, you have done a good deal for the gipsy; but the man who +does not wish to be disappointed will expect gratitude from no one, +least of all from a woman. In Egypt, sir, our game has been, I own, a +subtle one; but, like the villain in the play, we have been obliged, +and still must dissemble, so as not to excite the jealousy of our +neighbours." + +Dogvane loved dissembling. "Sir," he added, as he shut one eye and put +the forefinger of his right hand to the side of his nose in a most +knowing manner, "we have not thought it wise to let the gipsy woman into +our little secret. We have set up in Egypt a dummy whom we call a ruler. +Behind his back we pull the strings of administration. When all goes +well we come in front and make our bow to the audience, and receive our +well merited applause. When anything goes wrong, we beat our dummy; he +does not mind, and it would be all the same if he did; our neighbours +are satisfied, and their suspicions are allayed." + +"Is this honourable, Dogvane?" + +"Sir, it is most diplomatic, consequently, it cannot be less than +honourable." + +The Buccaneer thought for awhile and then said: "It would have been +better for me, Master Dogvane, to have seized the country at once. There +would have been a cackling in some of my neighbours' poultry yards, but +it would have saved an infinity of trouble in the end." + +Dogvane was horrified at such a suggestion. This was a falling off and a +going back with a vengeance. "Such a wholesale act of robbery," he said, +"would perhaps have been pardonable in your old Buccaneering days, when +you laid your hands on what you could, and did all you could to keep it; +but in this, your age of extreme respectability, it would never do. Why! +you would have had all your neighbours buzzing about your ears like a +swarm of angry wasps. The act would have been most undiplomatic." + +Here apparently some unpleasant thoughts entered the Buccaneer's mind, +for a cloud passed over his face. "Diplomacy," he said; "that has never +been a very strong point with me. I like to be open and above board, at +least, at one time I did, and I loved to call a spade a spade. This +diplomacy, Master Dogvane, is a genteel kind of a highwayman, who is not +above insinuating his hands into the pockets of the unwary, while he +distracts the attention of his victim by expressing towards him the +highest esteem and regard. I would quite as soon he showed himself in +his true colours and cried out boldly: 'Stand and deliver.'" + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + +The journey homewards was a sad one, for the spirits of the old sea king +were entirely broken. The captain of the watch tried all he could to +cheer him up. He drew in fancy a pleasing picture of the island home +they had left; of the contentment, prosperity, and happiness that +reigned there, and old Dogvane did not forget to lay on the colours. As +an artist in this line he was extremely good. As they left the domes and +minarets of the grand Turk behind them, Dogvane turned to his master and +said: "I cannot see why so good and great a man as my august master is, +should not be content to rest upon the laurels he has already earned." + +Flattery is at all times acceptable, and to all people; the only +difference being that to suit the vulgar appetite you must lay it on +thick, while to the refined the touches must be delicate and smooth. +Dogvane, seeing the good effect that this kind of physic had upon his +master, administered a little more. "Now take this Egyptian woman's +case. See what you have done for her. You have tried to put down +slavery. You have set your face against the brutal lash. You have tried +at least to banish the evil-minded, blood-sucking Pasha, and in doing +all this you have spent millions of money, and have sacrificed many of +your bravest sons. One, even, we immolated at the shrine of the great +god Necessity. We placed him in a pit even as Joseph was placed in a +pit; but alas! Joseph was more fortunate; our offering was slain. Think +you, sir, that in return for all this you will receive gratitude?" + +"Master Dogvane, Egypt has always been of great interest to me, and +through her lands I consider I have a right-of-way. Thus I have done +very much for her, and if for nothing else, she ought to thank me for +putting down that most barbarous of all things, the traffic in human +beings." + +"Sir, look rather for your reward in the righteousness of the cause. The +man--" + +"Stay, Master Dogvane; if you are going to give me another sentiment, +spare me I beseech you." + +"I was merely going to observe, sir, that the man who places the +smallest faith in a woman's constancy, digs a pit for himself, into +which he is sooner or later sure to fall." + +Dogvane, for reasons best known to himself, was decidedly against this +visit to Egypt. He seemed to be in some doubt as to the reception he +would receive; but all his endeavours to dissuade his master were of no +avail. The Buccaneer himself thought that Egypt must needs consider +herself under the greatest obligation to him; but the best of men, and +even the wisest, are often deceived, more especially as regards +themselves. The poor man wanted consolation, and he was ready to go +anywhere to obtain it. + +There was no greater enemy in the world to the slave-dealer than was +this great Buccaneer and fighting trader. He was forever going about, +trying to put a stop to the degrading traffic, more especially when the +wretched victims were black. His ships of war had strict orders to chase +and capture all slavers found on the High Seas. His missionaries +preached against the heinous trade. Both watches condemned it, and all +the people of every description of belief, held up their hands in pious +horror at the barter in flesh and blood. All, from the schoolboy just +breeched, to the old man, whose tottering steps were leading him to the +grave, were lovers of freedom, and the sworn enemies of slavery. + +But, strange to say, when Jonathan attempted to put down slavery, the +Buccaneer's sympathies were on the side of the slave-owner. Stranger +still, though he was forever trying to put down slavery amongst other +people, he allowed it to be practised to a very large extent amongst his +own. Of course it was clothed in fine garments of rich words, so the +sinfulness of the thing was hidden from his own eyes; but the whole of +his society was little better than a huge market, where white slaves +were bought and sold every day. Sold by heartless and mercenary mothers, +to whom a rich equipage and a good social position was of far more +consideration than any foolish and antiquated feelings of the heart, all +of which are mere matters of sentiment, and weigh as light as air in +comparison to the many advantages that gold can buy. It was no uncommon +thing to see a fair, and perchance a blushing maiden, sold for a price +to some withered piece of humanity. Their shameless mothers gave their +daughters as they parted with them the kiss of Judas, and bedewed their +fair young cheeks with the tears of hypocrisy, and then hastened to +their churches to thank their God that they were not as others, +doubters, perhaps, and unbelievers. + +This inhuman traffic in human souls found its moral in one of the +Buccaneer's law courts, the proceedings of which were emptied out +amongst the people, and eagerly devoured by them. It must be owned that +the victims of this trade bore their misfortunes with becoming +fortitude. Having been well schooled by their mothers the degradation +was not altogether clear to them, nor the narrow space that divided them +from their less fortunate and despised sisters. + +Like many other highly civilised communities the social atmosphere of +the Buccaneer's island was largely impregnated with sham. Everything lay +upon the surface, there was no depth. There was not only a greed for +money, but there was a great greed for excitement, and a passionate +desire on the part of the rich and vulgar nobodies to scramble up into a +position higher than that to which they were either entitled, or fit +for, and not unfrequently people who had the entry into what was called +good society, let themselves out for a consideration to these upstarts, +who would consider it a great condescension to be kicked down-stairs by +one of noble birth. It was all this that perhaps gave a colouring to the +sayings of those who declared that our bold Buccaneer was about the +biggest humbug and hypocrite that ever walked upon the face of the +earth. + +Our two travellers occupied themselves with many pious speculations on +their way to the land of the Pharaohs, for Dogvane for a sailor, was +well up in the Scriptures, and his knowledge of the Old Testament was +considerable. They compared the past with the present, and wandered +through many flowery fields of thought, until the land they sought came +up out of the sea before them. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + +As they approached the Buccaneer swept the shores with his glass, "She +seems to be going in for repairs, Master Dogvane." Dogvane remained +silent, as his eyes rested upon the land in front. He knew more about +things than he wished to say. "I told you, sir," he said, "that we had +knocked down a few forts." + +As they approached nearer they saw the Egyptian Queen sitting upon a +heap of ruins; her right elbow on her knee, her head resting upon her +hand. Her flashing eyes showed there was anger in her heart; that +something was wrong. Dogvane evidently did not like the look of things, +for when his master landed he hung back; but the Buccaneer, not knowing +the cause of Egypt's sorrow, went boldly forward. When he spoke Egypt +turned so fiercely upon him, that he was taken completely aback. "Hence +fiend!" she cried, as she pointed to the sea. The Buccaneer looked for +his captain, but that worthy was keeping out of the way and was +pretending to look for shell fish. His master hailed him and he arrived +just in time to hear Egypt say, "The Ten Plagues with which God smote me +in days of old were as blessings compared with thy accursed friendship." + +"Dogvane!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, "how's this?" + +"'Tis passing strange, sir! all official information is dumb upon the +subject." Then turning aside he said: "How the hag raves." + +Egypt rose up from her throne of crumbled stones and stood majestic. +Extending her right arm towards her afflicted country and looking at the +Buccaneer, with eyes filled with hatred, she exclaimed, "You have slain +my children and their blood has flowed out like water upon the sands of +the desert. Their bones lie bleaching in the sun; a witness to thy +barbarity and cruelty You have burnt my children's homes; driven off +their flocks, laid waste their lands and destroyed their wells; but with +parched throats and blistered tongues they curse you." + +"Dear me!" was all the Buccaneer could say. Egypt continued: "You have +set my children at each other's throats, and yet you dare stand before +me." The Buccaneer turned to go away and Dogvane prepared to follow and +showed considerable alacrity in getting to the boat. The parting words +of Egypt fell upon the ears of the old Sea King and dwelt long in his +memory; being very unwelcome guests there; making their voices heard +when all else was wrapped in slumber. "Hence thou blighting plague!" she +cried, or rather hissed. "Begone thou hypocrite! thou Christian +masquerader! for in thy footsteps follow poverty, ruin, and misery. May +the curses of the widow and the fatherless attend thee!" + +"Tut, tut!" ejaculated Dogvane, "how the hussy raves!" + +"God bless me!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, when they were well away. "What +say you to that, Master Dogvane?" + +"As a curse, sir, it is undoubtedly good, and as a specimen of female +anger it is by no means bad. The baggage! Here is ingratitude for you. +But I told you how it would be, sir. I had a kind of a presentiment that +the other watch had been at their handiwork even here." + +"If you, Master Dogvane, were as ready to keep out of difficulties as +you are to saddle them upon other people's backs it would be the better +for you." + +"It is enough to make a saint swear," replied the captain. "I feel +inclined to register a vow to heaven never again to do a good turn to a +living soul. What language the vixen used!" + +"She called me a hypocrite! a Christian masquerader! I, who pride myself +upon my righteousness. I, who have held my head so high, to be called a +Christian masquerader!" + +"Sir," said Dogvane with extreme respect, "if one so humble, may dare +offer an opinion, I should say that pride is not a Christian virtue, and +sooner or later it must have its fall." + +"Yes, fellow! but I do not want the fall to come from thy hands. Is +this what you call being respected abroad? Is this your pinnacle of +greatness?" + +"I am not to blame, my master. It is the other watch. What though the +Egyptian gipsy raves; what though our cousin Germany and fickle France +be cold, and Austria and Turkey aggrieved by some idle words, say if you +like, of mine, you have with you, my master, the whole Calf of Man." + +"Out upon thee for a blatant wind-bag!" cried the Buccaneer, now out of +all patience with Dogvane. "Out of my sight," he exclaimed, "keep clear +of me, or, by Heaven, you will have with you the whole toe of my broad +boot." They took to their boat, and the Buccaneer ordered his men to +bend their backs to their oars. Dogvane, who knew his master too well to +trifle with him in his present mood, doubled himself up in the bows, and +taking out of his pocket his Bible, he was soon lost in the Mosaic +Cosmogony. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + + +The captain of the watch thought it would never do for his master to +arrive home in his present frame of mind, for if he did, there would be, +as sailors say, "The devil to pay, and no pitch hot." The other watch, +too, would be sure to take advantage of the cloudy state of the weather +to stir up strife and discord, and no stone ought to be left unturned to +prevent this; so old Dogvane thought. He fully believed with that +clever, funny little fellow, the cook, that the other watch were a +greedy lot of office grabbers. Their hunger, perhaps, might be in a +measure accounted for by the small amount of food they received of that +particular kind. + +The bold Buccaneer paced the deck in moody silence, and ever and anon +turned a look back to the land of ruin he had left behind him. The words +of the gipsy were still ringing in his ears. Old Dogvane was at the +wheel, and he anxiously watched the old rover's face. The Buccaneer when +in anger was not unlike a thunder storm. He made almost as much noise, +he was quite as destructive, and nearly as uncontrollable; but if left +alone he in time worked himself out, and after the storm, came the +proverbial calm. + +The canny old captain having waited a while, watched his opportunity, +and he made bold to speak, couching his language in the most respectful +terms; but first of all to attract attention he muttered something to +himself. + +"What is that thou sayest?" asked the Buccaneer, stopping short in his +walk. + +"Nothing sir, nothing," was Dogvane's reply; "I was merely thinking as +it were, to myself, of the land we have just left behind us, and I was +saying to myself, sir, only to myself, that needs must when the devil +drives." It would be difficult to know to what the captain's words had +reference. In all probability he did not know himself, but an old saying +is generally a safe one, for it may mean much or little, or even nothing +at all. + +"In what way are you heading now, Master Dogvane?" asked the Buccaneer. + +This gave the old captain the opportunity he had been looking for. + +"You see, sir," he replied, "it is all very well for this Egyptian hag +to curse; but I was driven by necessity to do what I did, and +indirectly, if not directly, the other watch are responsible for the +blood that has been shed." + +"Still on the old tack, Master Dogvane; still on the old tack? Will you +be for ever putting the saddle upon other backs but your own?" + +"Heaven forbid that I should accuse any body of men wrongfully; but the +other watch have, or seem to have an especial aptitude for getting into +scrapes. They are a quarrelsome lot and their captain has a proud +stomach. But look you, master, at this Egyptian baggage. See what a +disorderly house she kept; I will not say disreputable, for God forbid +that I should take away any woman's character. But her house was such a +disgrace to all concerned, that we had to interfere. The Arab is a brave +man; but he is a heathen, and full of atrocity; a follower of an +impostor, what then if we slew a few of them; if by doing so we saved, +as the saying is, our own bacon? For the same reason we, as I have +already said, put your beloved son into a pit, and no doubt, he would +have been saved even as Joseph was, only a little thing prevented it, he +was slain in the meantime. Had it not been for this little accident, I +have every reason to believe that he would have risen far higher than +ever Joseph did in the Egyptian household." The Buccaneer was now +sitting upon the after-sky-light, and became an attentive listener to +the captain, who continued: + +"Even as Joshua discomfited Amalek and his people with the edge of the +sword, so have we the black population of the Soudan. The heathen +furiously raged, and we smote them hip and thigh. The cross has again +triumphed over the crescent." + +This allusion to the Buccaneer's religion was a happy one, but who knew +the master better than Dogvane? Was Dogvane then a humbug? Good people +all, upon this subject there will be a diversity of opinion, for his +enemies accused him of many worse things than being a humbug, while his +friends and admirers were ready to canonize him as a saint. The true +course, perhaps, lay in the middle of the stream. Dogvane continued, +"Have you so little love for your religion, sir, that the slaughtering +of a few thousands of infidels causes you remorse, and sorrow? Why in +olden days you slew thousands of Christians without the smallest +compunction; why then cry over the spilling of a little infidel blood? +Time was, sir, when you would have regarded the affair otherwise. For +every one of your sons killed, I dare swear a thousand Arabs have +fallen, leaving the balance largely in favour of Christianity, and so +clearing the ground ready for a purer faith. The weeds have been torn up +by the roots, so that flowers may be sown. What though we did kill a few +thousands of people, did not Pekah, king of Israel, slay in Judea, one +hundred and twenty thousand persons in one day? Would any one say Pekah +did wrong?" The Buccaneer was mollified. It no doubt flattered his +vanity being compared to the ancient king of Israel. + +"But she called me a hypocrite; a Christian masquerader, Dogvane," he +said. + +"Who, sir, would ever think of paying the slightest attention to what an +angry woman says? Why ten to one if we were to return there now, you +would find there had been a heavy fall of rain and all was sunshine +again, and if you taxed her with her words, she would swear she had +never used them." + +"I would even now retrace my way to yonder land, that is just sinking +below the horizon, if I thought it would be as you say." + +"Counting upon the extreme uncertainty of a woman's mind, I have no +doubt it would be so, and if my master wishes it, about we go. But +stay, second thoughts they say are best. This Mediterranean is a +treacherous sea. Storms often rising beneath the serenest sky. Besides, +it would ill become one in my master's position of high respectability +to dally away his time as Mark Antony did in this self-same land. A +woman, sir, is far more dangerous in her softer moods than in her anger. +It is under the mellowing influence of a smile that the hardest men +fall. We had better keep our head pointed homewards. Then, sir, we can +retrace our steps at our own convenience, and receive from the Egyptian +gipsy's cooler mind the thanks we deserve. These Easterns are a prolific +race, and multiply as fast as flies. To lop off the surplus population +with the sword is a benefit. A tree is all the better for the occasional +application of the knife." + +Thus did Dogvane clear away the anger from his master's mind. He played +upon all his weaknesses, and he approached him above all on the side of +his religion, and, as will appear hereafter, on the side also of his +trade which touched him more nearly even than his religion. Perhaps one +side of religion is not, nor has it been in the past, fully appreciated. +It has always proved an instrument to work off the surplus population. +Even that gentlest and most peaceful of all, that religion which was +breathed out over the world, near two thousand years ago, has often and +often, been dragged in to sanction, and sanctify, the bloodiest and, at +times, the most unholy of wars. As people will bring forth and multiply, +in obedience to Divine command, it is fortunate that pestilence and +famine have so able an ally to keep in check the flood of human nature. + +Dogvane, finding he was master of the situation, said: "I had in Egypt, +sir, as I told you, a deep and subtle game, but of that, no matter. If +your old servant has displeased you, shift watches, say I, and joy to +those who come after us." + +Of course there was no better way to obtain a hearing than to excite the +Buccaneer's curiosity and then stop short. The trick succeeded, for +Dogvane was at first asked and then entreated, or rather commanded, to +disclose his policy. Having stowed away his quid in the lining of his +hat, and expectorated freely over the ship's side, as every honest +sailor should, before commencing a lengthy yarn, the captain thus began. +It has been mentioned that at a yarn he could not be beaten. + +"Day and night, sir," he said, "my thoughts dwell upon your affairs, and +we often sit up late on board the old Ship of State discussing them. +Often, and often has broad-faced day looked in upon our counsels." + +"I am sorry to hear, Master Dogvane, that the Ojabberaways indulge at +times in rebellion, and even indecent conduct on board the old ship. If +they are not very careful I shall punish them. I shall stop their grog; +but proceed." + +"The Ojabberaways do at times, sir, make use of unseemly language; but +it is their bringings up. I cannot deny between ourselves that our trade +has been falling off. Our neighbours have learnt very much; they have in +a measure overtaken us, and unless we are careful, sir, they will beat +us on our own ground." + +"But when the other watch said this, Master Dogvane, you stoutly denied +it." + +"That was done, sir, as a matter of principle. Of course we could not +conscientiously admit anything to be right that the other watch said. +But there are other grounds, sir, for silence; for to use a homely +proverb, it is never wise to cry stinking fish. That holds good all the +world over. In the management of one's private affairs silence is +golden. Our trade is undoubtedly depressed. Boots, shoes and woollen +stuffs may be up, as our doughty carpenter said, but other things are +sadly down. It cannot be denied, for instance, that the demand for +heathen gods has sadly fallen off in recent years." + +"Have the labours then of my missionaries been crowned with such +success? Are infidels turning from the errors of their ways, Master +Dogvane?" + +"Heaven only knows, sir! the fact remains the same; whether it is that +the endeavours of your missionaries have been blessed; or whether it is +that the gods made at your great idol manufactery of Brummagem are not +up to the usual standard of perfection I know not; but there it is, +heathen gods are a drug in the market." + +"Dogvane, this is a most weighty matter, and it must be looked to. +Idolatry is a dreadful thing; most degraded and very much to be +condemned; but it is better than nothing, and until the heathen become +converted it would not be well, nay it would be cruel to take from them +whatever little comfort they may find in their brazen images. To +counteract any evil influence that may arise from the worship of these +things, Dogvane, order my State Church to purify the idols before they +leave our shores. Give instructions, Dogvane, directly we arrive home, +to our High Priest to this effect. Command him to have solemn prayers +and fastings, so that they may, all of them, be the better able to +wrestle with the devil. It would be as well also, Dogvane, to bid the +rich amongst them to share what they have with their poorer brethren, +who will be the better able to pray when their minds are not distracted +by the emptiness of their stomachs, for we hear there are poor amongst +them. Let all my divines of every denomination humble themselves before +their God. Why that troubled look, Master Dogvane?" + +"This is a delicate matter, sir. I have noticed the ecclesiastical +temper does not brook much interference. It does not appear to me that +they care very much about humbling themselves. Had that young rascal, +Random Jack, belonged to our watch this would have been again a +favourable opportunity for him to show his zeal and courage." + +"Dogvane, I notice a disposition in you at times to shirk your duty," +the Buccaneer said. + +"Master, not another word. I will brave the displeasure of all your many +religious denominations rather than you should harbour such a thought +about old Bill Dogvane." + +"Bid, then, my priest pray over these idols, sprinkling them well with +holy water. Who knows, Dogvane, but that some good may thus be done? +These brazen images being blessed by our pious divines may carry into +the midst of the heathen some subtle influence, and by some mysterious +agency they may be converted even at the very time they are praying to +their false gods. Dogvane, it is worth the trial, and at any cost we +must prevent the trade from falling into the hands of our unscrupulous +and unconscientious neighbours." The Buccaneer was silent for a few +moments, then he said: "Dogvane, I am fully convinced that even in this +world sin brings its own punishment; and this falling off in our trade +in idols may be due entirely to a falling off in the article. Have you +received any information of a confidential nature that either France or +Germany or our cousin Jonathan have gone in for this industry?" + +"No, sir, I have no official communication on the subject; though +Jonathan has that turn for business that he would manufacture anything +from a tin pin to a brazen image; while, if it would only pay, he would +turn out devils by the thousand." + +"You may depend upon it, Dogvane, that this depression in our trade is +owing either to the inferiority or costliness of the article. Here lies +the keystone of our mercantile failures." + +"Then, sir, there are other things. Our cotton stuffs hang heavy upon +our hands. In fact, we want fresh fields for all our industries." + +"Ah! say you so; where, Master Dogvane, is your remedy for this evil?" + +"Sir, the eye of your faithful servant has rested upon the naked +population of the Soudan. To clothe this people in our fabrics would +take many millions of yards of your cotton stuffs." + +"The idea, Dogvane, is certainly a good one, and it pleases me. Let us +hasten to put it to the trial lest our neighbours be beforehand with us. +Say not a word, Dogvane, of this when we get home, for if the idea gets +wind some of our many cheap-Jacks will take possession of it and turn it +to account; for, as you say, that fellow Jonathan has a keen eye for +business, and if he could he would try to get to windward of his own +father. The selfishness of our friends, Dogvane, is always to me a +fruitful source of regret. But let us not forget that our primary object +is not the selling of our goods at a remunerative price--no, Heaven +forbid!--it is the converting of the heathen. The base motive of gain +would not make me stir hand or foot in this matter; but to bring these +poor benighted savages into our fold, Dogvane, is a worthy ambition. To +make them Christians like ourselves, good Dogvane, would be a glorious +thing. This, I say, must be our very first consideration. Into our +cotton stuffs let there be worked some moral precept; or better still, +some prayer. A waistcloth, Dogvane, if used fore and aft would be a +suitable table for the Ten Commandments, which would thus be +conveniently placed before the eyes of all. In time the seed thus sown +on the outside of the black soil may take root inwardly and bring forth +much good fruit. By degrees the whole population may become converted, +and putting away the habit of barbarism may put on the garb of +civilisation, thus opening out for us a wide field whereto to send our +industries. Our ales will moisten their parched lips, increase their +stamina, and strengthen their inward man. Our spirits, too, will +supplant the vile concoctions they at present drink. Being thus +strengthened in body and soul, their intellect likewise will become +stronger. Their eyes will be opened, and a new and more beautiful world +will dawn upon them. It is a grand idea, Dogvane, and well worthy of +you. Commence at once. By converting this people we shall reap the +reward of millions of fresh consumers. Stop slaughtering, Dogvane; stop +at once. It is inhuman, it is cruel; besides they are only fighting for +their hearth and home, and what people so base as not to shed their +blood in so good a cause? Stay, then, our hand, for by cutting their +throats, Master Dogvane, you are contracting the field for our home +industries. There is undoubtedly a bright future in front of us, and +you, Dogvane, have done much to re-establish yourself in my good +opinion." + +The Buccaneer was quite elated. His step became buoyant again. The dark +cloud that had rested upon his brow passed away. "Soon," he said, "we +shall again hear the merry rattle of our looms. Our stills will have +fresh life thrown into them. The heavy scent of the hop shall weight our +atmosphere; and rest like a grateful fragrance over our island home. Our +friend and helpmate, old John Barleycorn, shall lift again his cheery +head, and in his train will come, dancing merrily, his hand-maidens, +Colombia root, camomile, quassia and cheretta." + +The Buccaneer was in such excellent spirits that he began singing an old +drinking song of his, to the merits of John Barleycorn, and he made +Dogvane join in the chorus. Thus they merrily passed the time, until the +look-out man aloft cried out: "Land ho!" and soon the bold coast of the +Buccaneer's strong-hold loomed out in the distance. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + + +It is necessary now to shift our scene and to retrace our steps. + +Opposite the old Ship of State there stood on the land, a little back +from the river, an ancient and old-fashioned public-house. It had a +picturesque appearance, with its quaint gable ends and mullioned +windows. Its different styles of architecture and its patched walls led +you step by step from the present to the remote past, for it was an +antique hostelry. It was two storied and had two large chambers, and if +the walls of these could speak, they could many a tale unfold. What +scenes too they had seen and what noble personages. The old clock that +stood sentinel there had ticked many a brave man to his grave. In that +old public-house the greatness of the old Sea King had been built up, +and the spirit of many a brave lad still haunted the place. A large +sign-board swung heavily on a beam, projecting from the wall in front, +just above the door. The name of the public-house was written in large +letters. It was called the CONSTITUTION; under this there was a scroll, +on which was written the Buccaneer's motto, "DIEU ET MON DROIT," and the +whole was surmounted by a crown. This was the favourite resort of both +watches, and, in fact, of the whole crew of the Ship of State, Upper +Chamber and all. No more respectable, or better conducted house could be +found the whole world over. Many thought the Beggar Woman ought to have +been the landlady of this ancient establishment, but she was not. + +Though well on in the night the Port Watch were still sitting in the +snug parlour of the Constitution, sipping their grog, smoking their +pipes and yarning over things in general; at the head of the table was +the captain, Bob Mainstay, and by his side his first lieutenant, honest +Ben Backstay. Many of the other officers were also there, and they were +trying to keep their spirits up by pouring spirits down, but they could +not do it. Things looked gloomy, and they seemed to see no break in the +clouds ahead. But it is said that the longest lane has its turning, and +to those that wait all things come. Of one thing they all felt assured, +if Bill Dogvane was allowed to keep the helm of the Ship of State much +longer the Buccaneer would find things at pretty sixes and sevens. But +how was the helm to be taken out of his hands? That was the question. + +Their meditations were interrupted by a gentle knock at the door, and on +permission being given to come in, the door was gently opened, as if the +intruder was not certain of the reception. It was the Beggar Woman. +"Kind gentlemen," she said, "will you assist a poor woman? With weary +steps I have begged from door to door, but no one will assist me or let +me in. A crust of bread, good gentlemen, for the love you bear your +country, for I am cold and starved with hunger." + +"Come in," cried a dozen voices at once. "It is a shame," one added, +"that you should be thus neglected; but what can we do, my lass? So long +as the Starboard Watch is aboard the old ship there, things will be as +they are." + +"Let us have a shift of watches, and then you will see what you will +see," said another. + +"Cannot you help us, madam," asked the captain, "to oust old Dogvane and +his lot? He made up to you, courted you, chucked you under the chin, and +then the rascal jilted you. The Port Watch would not have served you so +scurvily, you may swear." + +"Good gentlemen," replied Patriotism, "the people on shore all turn a +deaf ear to my entreaties, or say, anon, anon, good woman, and then +hasten away about other business, or to pay their addresses to my rival, +Party." + +The Port Watch now took the Beggar Woman in tow, for they hoped that she +would help them. They all set to discussing the state of affairs, and +turned over in their minds different plans of action. What they wanted +was a good watchword and a safe cry. When they had been for some time +talking over the matter without any satisfactory results; for they had +passed in review all their old tactics without deriving very much +satisfaction, because, as they all said, they had failed before to dish +Dogvane with them, and in all probability they would fail again. + +Just as things seemed to look at their worst, the door burst open, and +in rushed Random Jack. He was breathless, dripping wet, and his teeth +were chattering with cold. + +"Hallo!" cried the captain. "What ducking pool have you fallen foul of, +my little lad?" + +"Mates!" cried Random Jack as he sank down on one of the seats, first of +all having carefully removed the crimson cushion for fear of wetting it. +"Give me a tot of grog, and make it hot and strong, for I am drenched to +the skin, and the very marrow in my bones is frozen. Pretty things I +have to tell." + +The landlady of the old Constitution public-house was quite distressed +to see the poor little middy in such a sorry plight. She was a buxom +motherly woman, and nothing would do but she must get him a shift of +things, or, as she said, the boy would catch his death of cold. Having +brought him a suit of clothes which Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher, had +left behind, Random Jack got into them, and though, as he said, they +were miles too large, they were better than nothing. He tied the +trousers round his neck, thrust his arms through the pockets, and thus +saved the necessity of a waistcoat. + +"Well, my little man," said the captain. "What is in the wind now?" + +Random Jack took a deep draught, and then said: "That is good, and warms +the cockles of my heart. Mother," he cried, turning to the landlady, +"fill me another glass. Now, my mates, the likes of what I have to tell, +you've never heard before. It will make your very hair stand on end, +that is, of course, those who have any, and for those who haven't, no +matter. Better to follow my example and fortify yourselves with good +stiff glasses, three fingers deep, if you take my advice, and little +water. No doubt, my mates, you have all read of mutinies, conspiracies, +and such like; I have one to tell you about, that will surprise you." + +"My goodness!" cried the landlady, as she busied about her orders. "Just +hear how the little man talks!" + +"Your news, my lad! your news!" came from many, as they one and all +eagerly crowded round the little middy. + +"Lend all of you, your ears, my mates. Knowing that the governor was +from home and that the cunning old fox was with him, I thought I would +just stow myself away on board the old ship there, just to see how they +passed the watches of the night. Just to see, mates, if I could catch +any of the weasels sleeping. Some of them are wide enough awake, I can +tell you." Here he winked at the company. + +"Throw it off, my lad!" cried the captain. "Don't go beating about the +bush, but come to the point at once. So you were a stowaway." They +contemplated the little middy with wonder, for most of them had never +seen a stowaway before. + +Random Jack, being thus exhorted and encouraged to make a clean breast +of it, disclosed the whole of the diabolical conspiracy of the cook's +caboose, and how it was that he had so frightened Billy Cheeks, the +butcher. This part of the proceedings caused no little merriment. Bob +Mainstay, having listened to the story from beginning to end, exclaimed, +as he slapped his leg: "Mates, I see land ahead. It strikes me we have +old Bill on the hip at last. Madam!" he said, turning to the Beggar +Woman, who had remained a silent listener to the midshipman's story. +"Madam, with your help I think we shall be able to dish old Dogvane. +What with the Church Hulk in danger and old Squire Broadacre on the war +path, and general discontent all round, the devil must be in it if we +cannot clear the ship of its present vermin." The Beggar Woman promised +to do her best, for her sympathies were for the most part with the Port +Watch; perhaps, because on the whole, they treated her best. She was +given an order to get a spic and span new outfit of silks and satins, +and she received invitations to many feasts, but frequent adversity made +her bear this turn of fortune with becoming modesty. + +The Port Watch were now in high spirits and began talking of what they +would do when they took charge of the ship. The little middy was highly +complimented; and the captain promised to reward his courage and virtue +with a good billet. He was pretty well sure now of promotion. + +"Who laughs now?" cried Random Jack. "I owe one to Master Dogvane and to +Billy Cheeks. The cook, he is a Jack-pudding, and I will baste him well +with his own dripping." These were bold words; but the cook did not hear +them. + +"Now, my lads!" exclaimed the captain, "we must work with a will. Would +that our master had returned; but we must make things ready for him when +he does. Away some of you on board the old Church Hulk. Wake her crew +up, and let your cry be Church in danger. Others of you hasten to the +Squire and tell him there are robbers about." + +"A toast before we part," cried Random Jack. + +"Here is general damnation to old Bill Dogvane, and all his crew!" All +laughed, and the toast was drunk with enthusiasm, and they were all just +about to separate when some one fired a shell amidst them by saying, +"How about the Ojabberaways?" + +"To make any compact with them," said the captain, "would be an unholy +thing." + +"Any port in a storm," cried Random Jack, who was now, what with the +grog and the flattery he had received, in high feather. "They have their +price; are they worth it? If we don't buy them old Dogvane will. There's +the rub." + +Here the noise outside of two women wrangling claimed their attention, +and one and all ran out to see what was the matter. They found Liberty +and the Beggar Woman in angry altercation about a lout of a boy. Indeed, +boy he could scarcely be called, for he was approaching nearer to +manhood. It was Demos. "Indeed, madam!" cried Liberty with a sneer, "it +does not appear from your dress that you are held in very great +estimation amongst my master's people." Patriotism had not yet received +her new clothing. Then Liberty continued in the same tone: "You are +somewhat old-fashioned methinks! What would you have me do with my boy? +Would you have me clap a gag in his mouth, or muzzle him as if he were a +dog in the dog-days?" + +"You need not pamper and pet him," exclaimed the Beggar Woman, "until he +becomes a perfect nuisance to every one. Why don't you teach him to work +for an honest living?" + +"Because the boy is not strong; besides, he does not like work, do you, +dear?" + +"Why should I work," cried Demos, "when others play? Others live and +fatten in idleness, why not I?" + +"Bread that is buttered too thickly is not wholesome food," was the +Beggar Woman's reply. + +"The boy is a clever boy," exclaimed Madam Liberty. "He is wonderfully +good at speaking; and he is good at figures; and he shall not be kept +back; shall you, dear?" + +"Mind he does not turn and bite the hand that has fed and petted him," +replied the Beggar Woman, and the two parted. + +The old coxswain, as he watched the retreating steps of Liberty and her +boy, said: "There you go with that spoilt brat of yours. A wilful woman +never yet wanted for woe, and to spoil a child is to put a rod in pickle +for your own back." + +A quaint sound was now heard, like the wailing of a pig in pain. Some +thought it must be the cook playing a tune in the early morning upon his +barrel organ; but the sound did not come from the direction of the old +ship. It turned out to be the national music of the Ojabberaways, and +presently a voice by no means untuneful, sang, "Come back to Erin, +Mavourneen, Mavourneen." + +The Ojabberaways were serenading both Liberty and Patriotism, while in +the back ground was the cheap-Jack Jonathan, who provided the dollars +for the serenade, also for other entertainments which the Ojabberaways +got up to please themselves and annoy the old Buccaneer. + +Opinions varied very much as to whether the Port Watch did, or did not, +make a treaty with these people. Such a thing could scarcely be +conceivable; but for party purposes either watch, it was said, would +sell themselves to the devil. Some went so far as to say that Random +Jack had had something to do with it; but then, when anyone comes out of +obscurity, there is scarcely a thing that he is not supposed to be +capable of doing; and a place is found for his finger in every pie. +Happy is the man who never leaves the smooth, broad, and well-beaten +path of mediocrity! He will escape many evils, and even slander will +pass him by for the most part with contempt; for her sport is with +bigger game. "This only grant me, that my means may lie too low for +envy, for contempt too high." So sang a poet long years ago. + +It was generally believed that old Bill Dogvane had a secret +understanding with these Ojabberaways. There can be no doubt that he +smiled upon the boy Demos, who was showing signs of giving trouble. He +was becoming intoxicated with the very worst of all things, namely, his +own self-conceit, and the old hands shook their wise heads, and said +that if the Buccaneer was not very careful this boy would break out and +disturb the peace. This child of Madam Liberty was a difficulty; and how +to treat him became a matter of the gravest consideration. Be kind to +him and he would mistake it for weakness, and take advantage of it at +once. Kick him, beat him, or try to drive him, and he became as stubborn +as an ass. All agreed that he required a very strong hand, and yet not +too rough a one. The conspirators of the cook's caboose were one and all +on the boy's side; and the cook himself acted the part of an indulgent +foster father to him. Buttering the boy's bread as thick as he possibly +could, and giving him constantly cakes and other sweetmeats; some said +this was done out of pure contrariness, because Pepper could not be +happy if he were as others; but while the cook told the boy that he was +being kept out of his just dues by an idle lot of rich drones, and +hinting to him that it would be no great crime to put his hand into the +pockets of these people, he said not a word about sharing his own +worldly goods with the boy; and the cook had laid up for himself riches +upon earth, but he was a wise man, and took good care that no thief +should break into his house and steal. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX. + + +The Port Watch mingled about amongst the people and told them of all the +wonderful things that had happened, and of the many more wonderful +things that would be sure to happen if they did not at once combine +together and get their master, the old Sea King, to change the watches. +Of course the doings of the Port Watch could not be concealed from the +Starboard Watch, who went about contradicting, and swearing there was +not a word of truth in the whole thing. + +The cook took under his especial care the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber, and +it is tolerably certain that happiness would not come to Pepper on his +death-bed, unless that lumber room with all its antiquated furniture was +cleared out of the old ship, and replaced by some assemblage of men as +clever as what the cook was himself; but to get the modest number of +only twelve such men, in a whole kingdom, would be almost impossible, +and this is providential. + +The butcher was not idle. He did not speak much; but when he did, it was +to the purpose, and no one could say more cutting things than could +Billy Cheeks. He also thought a good deal; he was driven to this +extremity because most people, and most things, were beneath his notice. +The carpenter took under his care the family of Hodge; the members of +which were generally accredited with a full share of stupidity and +ignorance; but it is wonderful how the aspect of things changes when you +want to get anything out of people. Then we find virtues that were never +seen before, and that the individuals themselves never even dreamt of. +Then in the distance was the large family of Sikes. No one as yet had +found much virtue in them; but they were ready for anything that might +turn up, outside of it. + +"Honest Hodge," cried the carpenter from the top of a barrel, "for +generations you have been oppressed." + +"'Ave I now?" exclaimed Hodge, scratching his honest head. "I thought +summut was wrong." + +The boy Demos who had been playing pitch and toss with the cook, left +the game to attend to what looked to him more like business. + +"For generations," cried the carpenter, "you have been ignored and +defrauded by one whose rights are arbitrary, and almost absolute, for +they extend from the heavens above, to the earth beneath, and to the +waters under the earth." Demos became a most attentive listener and he +liked the tack the carpenter was on. + +Chips continued, "The minerals are his. The timber is his, and so are +the birds of the air, and the fish that swim in the streams, and I +suppose that the greater part of all that the industry and toil of man +has added to the original value of that property, is now practically +subject to the land owner's sole consideration and good. Now I want to +see you, honest Hodge, replaced upon the old squire's land, at a fair +compensation, of course." + +Upon hearing this Demos winked at Hodge, but the latter being very slow +of intellect, and moreover honest, did not take the wink in. + +"But," said Hodge, "if the squire won't part, maister; what be we to do +then?" + +"If the squire will not do his duty," replied the carpenter, "he must be +made to." + +"And what be we to get out of it?" Hodge asked. + +"The least you can expect, will be three acres and a cow," was the +carpenter's reply; or the reply of a friend of his. + +Here one of the Sike's family pushed his way to the front, and +addressing himself to the carpenter, said, "Master, what are we to get +out of this crib you're agoing to crack?" + +The question being an extremely awkward one to answer, the carpenter +pretended not to hear it. This is always a safe way out of such a +difficulty if the questioner be not persevering. + +The Port Watch struck a more popular, and at the same time, a more +honest chord. "Look!" they cried, "at our market places! They are full +of the cheap produce of our neighbours, who do a thriving business while +our own people are starving. They bring their goods here without let or +hindrance; but they shut their own doors against us, or make us pay +toll. Look at the river there! that used to be crowded with our own +craft. Now you see the flag of every nation floating upon its bosom, +while our own ships are rotting for the want of something to do. Foreign +competition is ousting you from your markets as the marten ousts the +squirrel from her nest. If you want a coat, or a pair of trousers made, +in comes your foreign tailor who will sew and stitch for sixteen hours a +day for what is barely sufficient to keep body and soul together. If +you, my lads, come down, he will come down lower." + +At this speech loud cries of indignation rose up from a multitude of +listeners, and the spokesman of a crowd of sailors, jumping up on a tar +barrel, exclaimed, "Damme, my mates! (It is a bad habit, but sailors +will swear.) The gentlemen of the Port Watch says true. We are being +weathered by these lubberly furriners, who visit our shores in shoals +like mackerel; and thus take all the wind out of our sails. Damme, +mates! they are that mean that a well worn quid won't escape them, can +we work against such varmint as these?" + +"No!" came from a thousand hoarse throats. + +"Is it right, my hearties," continued the speaker, "that the old man +should treat us like this?" + +"It ain't right," came from all sides. + +"Where would our master be now without us?" cried the sailor, "where +will he be if he allows these furrin chaps to put us down below hatches? +Who then will he have to trim and shorten his sails when the stormy +winds do blow? Will these fellows club-haul him off a lee-shore in the +teeth of a gale of difficulties; or fight for him his battles? Not they, +I'll swear." + +The old sailor's yarn met with very great approval, and as is the custom +with all sailors they freely damned their own eyes, and hitched up +their trousers and swore that things were not as they ought to be; but +the cheap-Jacks still went about amongst them and sold their goods, and +people bought. Up too spoke many others, and there was scarcely a man to +be found, or woman either, that was contented. + +There was a movement amongst the crowd and the old cox'sn came forward, +and getting up on the place vacated by the sailor, cried out: "Heave to, +my hearties, whilst you hear to a brother sailor spin you a yarn." There +was a feeling now pretty prevalent that they were in for a good thing. +"No doubt," he said, "many of you here know me by name." + +"Aye, aye, Jack, we know you," came from many; "you are as long-winded +as a sky pilot, or as old Bill Dogvane, and any one knows he has wind +enough to fill the sails of a line o' battleship." + +The old cox'sn, nothing daunted, continued: "Belay talking, my lads. No +doubt many of you know me by name, but many of you have no other +acquaintance with me, more is the pity say I. Long-winded I may be; but +I don't go about emptying myself like a wind-bag; but let that fly stick +to the wall. Many a voyage I have taken with my old master, and when on +the Spanish main together, looking out for the Don, we learnt a thing or +two. The Spaniards say, my lads, that it is always a good, and safe +thing, to search well yourself when anything goes wrong with you, and +that is what old Jack Commonsense tells you now. You want our master to +do this, and to do that, to protect this trade and that; but damme, +shipmates, legislation never yet stopped a leak in a cask, nor made a +stale egg into a fresh one. My mates! you are all of you heading in the +wrong direction. There are breakers ahead, so put your helm down and go +about as soon as you can. Don't you listen to those wiseacres who are +going to put everybody and everything right. The cook, he is a clever +lad, and can spin a cheerful yarn, but let him stick to his trade, and +the same I say to the carpenter and the butcher. You can never put an +injury right by committing a wrong, and if the carpenter or anyone else +wants to put his hand into the squire's pocket, he is only inviting a +thief into his own house. Let the cook then keep to his galley and cater +for the general public. His dishes are spicy, and then when he treats us +to a tune in his leisure hours upon his barrel organ, well, so much the +better, for there is no harm done." + +The crowd began to show signs of impatience, and old Jack was made +painfully aware that he was not a popular orator, for the lovers of +freedom hooted him; but he was not easily put down. "Here, lads!" he +cried, "is where my Spanish proverb comes in. Search well yourselves, +and see if any fault lies at home. It is no use anchoring yourselves by +your starns, and crying out that trade is going, and that the +cheap-Jacks are taking the wind out of your sails. You ain't obliged to +buy from them, and who brought them over, pray? If trade is gone from +amongst you; it is yourselves that you have to blame. In years gone by +you combined against your employers; I don't say you were at all times +wrong, but evil counsel sat at your boards, and with your bushel of good +came a sackful of bad, you drove your trade out of doors and now you cry +out: 'Help us or we starve!' If your platter and your pewter pot be +empty, you have yourselves to thank. No song, no supper, is a good old +saying. If you, my hearties, won't work your fair time for your fair +wage, there are others who will. When you combined against capital, +mess-mates, you frightened, if you did not kill, the goose that was +laying your golden eggs. She is a timid bird and will only lay where she +gets peace and quiet. Having done all this, you are now crying out to be +protected, and think that all will be well again if this thing and that +thing are only legislated for; but legislation, my lads, as I've said +before, never yet bolstered up either a rotten state or a decaying +trade. You may stop for a time the footstep of the one or the other, but +the fall will surely come again unless you tap the part affected and +stop the hole with good, sound, solid material. Look at you servants! +Why, you are always on the move; some of you even are idle and insolent. +Do you not see the gaunt form of Poverty in front of you? Away then will +go your airs and graces, your flaunting ribbons and your finery Beware +how you listen to the teaching of Demos. He is a dangerous companion and +generally turns and rends those who have housed and fed him. A bridle +for the mouth of an ass, and a rod for the back of a spoilt child." + +There was here some good-natured bandying of words, and old Jack was +recommended to try the bridle himself, just to see, as they said, how it +felt and how it fitted. Jack being a good-tempered fellow, continued his +harangue: "My advice, my hearties, to you is this. Turn to and live +thrifty lives. Take your hands out of your pockets. Do away with the +quart pot and you will increase the amount of stuff upon your platter. +If you cannot do away with the pewter altogether--and I am no +teetotaller myself--then reduce its size to at least a half. By a strict +regard to economy, and by practising self-denial and by cultivating your +understanding in a proper direction, try to turn out a better and a +cheaper article than your neighbours and so beat them on their own +ground. Do this, my hearties, and you will win back trade and regain +your place in the markets of the world." + +The old coxswain had been listened to for some time with a respectful +attention; but the doctrine he preached was not at all in keeping with +the general sentiments of the disaffected, who were stirred up and +incited to violence by Demos and his disciples, and very shortly there +was a disturbance of a serious nature. It was commenced by Demos, who +having gathered a crowd of followers round him, began to speak to them +in language peculiarly his own. The consequence of this was that some +one from amongst the crowd, aimed a brickbat, with too true an aim, at +the Buccaneer's old coxswain, who amidst the delighted yells of the mob +was knocked over. The excitement now was intense, for though old Jack +was not killed, he was severely bruised, and shaken, and taken very much +by surprise. Those who have never heard the angry howl of an infuriated +mob of Buccaneers can have no conception of the savageness of its sound. +The war whoop of the wildest Indians is soft compared to it, and the +roar of hungry wild beasts is less terrifying. Demos with what he called +"the people" now rushed to an open space, beautifully situated, but +called the Place of Discord, where four grim lions watch night and day, +but they never interfere, and nobody minds them. Here Demos harangued +the multitude; told them they were being starved and trodden under foot, +by the drones of the island. His language was violent in the extreme. He +called upon them to break their chain of slavery and to elect as their +ruler King Mob. This was but natural, so up on their shoulders they +hoisted the bloody tyrant and cried out: "Havoc and robbery; now shall +the gilded thieves disgorge their ill-gotten wealth." Away they made for +the rich quarters of the Buccaneer's fair city, intent upon plunder if +not murder; but they were met by the guardians of the peace, behind whom +came the old coxswain with a chosen band, cutlass in hand. He called +upon his men to rally round him. Now commenced a battle between the two +factions. The partisans of King Mob nerved on and excited by the hope of +plunder fell upon the champions of law and order. Heads were broken and +the combatants fell struggling to the ground, and the crowd swayed +backwards and forwards in fierce strife. At first the old coxswain and +his side seemed to be getting the worst of it, but he fought like a +veritable demon, laying about him in a fashion well worthy of the +Buccaneer's best fighting days. + +What seemed most strange was, that the watchword was the same on both +sides, namely Liberty. Step by step, the old Coxswain was beaten back +through a narrow gorge which opened on to a small square in the centre +of which was a statue representing Victory in her idle hours, playing at +quoits. This open space was flanked on one side by a museum of Naval and +Military antiquities, glorious relics of a glorious past. On the other +side of the square and away from the narrow gorge was another museum, +which was filled with a most valuable collection of ancient fossils, and +other scientific remains. Back into this open space the old coxswain and +his men were forced. Inch by inch they disputed the narrow way. Old Jack +every now and again let fly a quaint oath or two; but as he afterwards +said, the occasion justified the deed. In a voice of thunder he kept +cheering his men on, crying out, "Rally, men! Rally!" Just as King Mob +was pushing old Jack extremely hard, assistance came from an unexpected +quarter. + +The uncrowned queen had shut herself up indoors; but Madam Liberty upon +whom both sides had called, came now to the front and allied herself +with the coxswain. Knowing full well that if she allowed the ugly faced +monarch to gain the day, she herself would, in all probability, be bound +hand and foot, and cast into prison, with a gag in her mouth, she threw +all her weight on the side of the coxswain, and brought up just in time +her numerous followers to the rescue. Demos when he saw his mother +against him, made use of most disrespectful language, calling her all +kinds of bad names, which will not bear repeating. Just as Liberty +reinforced the coxswain in front, the Beggar Woman who was now mounted +on horseback, attacked King Mob with a strong force on his flank. Thus +assailed, and without either drill or discipline the would-be monarch +wavered, then turned and fled through the Place of Discord. The retreat +was disastrous, and his followers were driven back well within their own +quarters. As they went they did what damage they could; smashed windows +and laid their hands upon everything of value that came in their way. + +Thus was Demos and his father for the time at least defeated, and the +old coxswain and his allies were hailed as the saviours of the people. +In olden days, no doubt, he would have been accorded by universal +acclamation a triumph, when he would have made a public entry into the +Buccaneer's great city, mounted on a magnificent horse richly +caparisoned; with his two lieutenants, Liberty and Patriotism, riding +one on either side of him. Such things, however, have long ceased to be, +and now we can only read of them in the pages of history. + +The Buccaneer's people celebrated the victory in a manner more in +keeping with their character and disposition. When the noise and turmoil +of the battle were over and the fighting men had left off swearing; when +their passions had cooled down a little, the bells upon the old Church +Hulk rang out a summons to prayers. The joyful sound was taken up by +every belfry on shore, and soon the clang of the iron tongues vibrated +all over the island. The many idlers took their last sip at the cup of +pleasure. The churches filled; the people prayed, the priests all +preached and the great Hat was sent round. That was never forgotten, no +matter what was going on. Many consciences were eased and all were +strengthened and made more ready for the wear and tear of everyday life; +while the cheap-Jacks took advantage of the pious moments of the +Buccaneer's people to push their trade. + +It is not to be supposed that the Buccaneer's Press gang were idle on +such an occasion. But to their credit it must be said that they all, +with about one exception, forgot their little differences and took the +side of law and order against the followers of King Mob. + +But now the big mouthed cannon belched forth the joyful tidings of the +Buccaneer's return. Loud cries of welcome greeted his ears as he stepped +ashore. "Hail! all hail! to the old sea king; to the mighty trader! Hail +to the Defender of the Faith, the ruler of the sea; to him on whose vast +dominions the sun never sets! Hail! all hail," so cried the people. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI. + + +The first thing that saluted the Buccaneer's ears after all the +rejoicings at his safe return were over, was a low, dull, rumbling sound +as if distant thunder. + +"What is that?" he asked of Dogvane. + +"I know not, sir; but the atmosphere is heavy, and there may be a storm +abrewing; but I hear nothing." This was an official statement on the +part of Dogvane that was wide of the truth. + +The art of lying has already been touched upon; but there are many kinds +of lies which have not been enumerated. There is the oblique lie, the +lie direct. The lie by implication and insinuation; and passing by the +various kinds of social lie there is the official and the diplomatic +lie. The latter is very much superior to the "lie vulgaris" or common +lie, and it moves in the very best society. It is a most polished +courtier. The official and diplomatic lie require very great skill and +study so as not to betray their owner. They require also a natural +aptitude, a schooled countenance, so that neither the eye, the voice, +nor the mouth discloses their secret. Your diplomatist especially, to be +successful, should be indeed a most refined and accomplished liar. + +Dogvane knew very well what the rumbling sound was. It was the Drum +Ecclesiastic. He thought for a moment and then muttered to himself, "Who +the devil has set that old instrument going?" Then after a pause he +said: "The handiwork, I'll be bound, of that young rascal Random Jack. +Drat his little skin! He's always in mischief." + +But louder and louder grew the sound, and in a short time there could be +no disguising the fact that the Church was sounding the alarm. Dogvane +thought it best to take at once the bull by the horns. "It's a bold +party stroke, sir," he said, "a very bold party stroke and well worthy +of the other watch. Knowing your love for the old craft, God bless her! +they have tried to frighten you. Their goings on are really shameful." +But now a most imposing procession formed up on board the Church Hulk +and headed by the High Priest, proceeded on board the Ship of State and +discovered to the Buccaneer and his trusty captain the vile and sinful +plot of the cook's caboose. + +No doubt in olden times the cook, the butcher and the carpenter, with +his mate, would have been cursed with bell and book, when the devil +would have put in an appearance and have carried the conspirators away +with him bodily to his infernal regions; but cursings have gone out of +fashion. In fact they seem to have lost their power, like drugs that +have been too long kept. The High Priest told the Buccaneer that his +cherished Church was in danger. That in fact there was a conspiracy +afloat, to board and rob her, and then to cast her adrift, when Heaven +alone knew what would become of her. Of one thing he felt certain; the +many flocks would wander about without shepherds, or would be tended by +those of inferior learning and understanding. The High Priest then began +to lecture the Buccaneer, thinking no doubt that he was the same pliant +and penitent gentleman as of old, when he was ever ready to fall upon +his knees and cry, "I have sinned." But now when the High Priest told +him that the danger to his Church was brought about by his selfishness, +worldliness, and general religious indifference, and that to counteract +all this accumulation of evil he ought to humble himself and scourge +himself inwardly by prayers and fastings, the bold Buccaneer opened out +in an altogether unexpected manner, and said: "Should not all this be +done by my State Church? At least," he added, "set me the example, and +where you lead there will I follow; but it is no use your pointing up +the steep hill which leads to heaven and bidding me walk, while you and +all your followers drive there in a well cushioned carriage and pair. If +my Church is in danger, the danger comes from within, and you have no +one to blame but yourselves. Let the crew of your ship, my lord, cease +squabbling amongst themselves about trifles. Let them set their face +against the pomps and vanities of the world, and let them look well +within to see if by chance any worldliness has got possession of their +own hearts." + +This cruel language shocked the Buccaneer's High Priest, and he was +about to reply; but the Buccaneer stopped him, saying; "Stay, stay a +minute, in the past you have lectured me a good deal and told me, no +doubt, many a home truth, and I thank you. I now return you the +compliment, for it may be of service to you, as you say your Church is +in danger. All things on board that old Hulk there are not as they +should be; for while some of her crew lead the life of Dives, too many +have to walk in the footsteps of Lazarus. The labour and the hire are +not equally divided. I am going now to look a little more into my +affairs, and I shall soon call upon you to render a just account of your +stewardship. Many of you do not act as if you believed in what you +preach: the salt having lost in many cases its flavour. + +"How have the mighty fallen?" exclaimed the High Priest. The Buccaneer, +misunderstanding the words of the head of his Church, replied, "And +pray, whose fault is that? Perhaps there are hypocrites and even +Pharisees amongst you; those who seek the highest places in the +synagogues and at the social table, and who are worshippers of forms and +ceremonies." What wickedness was here! But this bold, bad man continued +in the same strain, or stay, it may have been the wicked devil who was +making this eminently respectable and pious old Buccaneer, his +mouthpiece. "Has pride, arrogance, and self-sufficiency any place in +your hearts?" he asked. "Has my priesthood fallen and been led captive +by mammon and selfishness, and while they fix one eye constantly upon +heaven, do they not with the other look too lovingly upon the earth? +Fast then and pray yourselves, for thy faith may be weak, and as the +Israelites of old fell away and worshipped more gods than one, so too +may my priests have set up some graven image or images, and here may lie +the danger. Search well yourselves and put your ship in order. It is no +use preaching to the world abstinence if you do not practise it +yourselves. Our religion was placed in poor soil, tended and cared for +by mendicant labourers, and it flourished. The workers now are of a +different caste, the spirit of the first teachers has passed away, and +the flower fades." + +This was not a bad specimen of pulpit oratory, coming as it did from an +old gentleman who had commenced life as a pirate; but it is well known +that the greater the sinner the greater the saint. The language of the +bold Buccaneer was fully discussed and fully condemned, and the great +Church drum still kept beating. The sound went out all over the land; +was heard upon many a hearth, and put fear into many a breast, for the +old Church Hulk was dearly loved, with all her faults, more especially +by the Buccaneer's women, in whose eyes a priest was little less than a +god clothed in a decent suit of black. + +But what was going on on board the Church Hulk all this time? The +burning question of Church in danger was pushed aside, and high above +everything else the voice of controversy could be heard arguing upon a +matter of the deepest import to all the world. It was the question of +eternal punishment, which, alas! can never be satisfactorily settled; as +to whether the soul that dies in sin is surely for ever damned. The +adventurous spirits who had started this rank and soul-destroying heresy +of hope even beyond the grave were few in number. These seemed to have a +beautiful faith, if an erroneous one, in God's unbounded mercy, which, +overtaking the poor lost soul before it entered the gates of hell, might +in some cases bring it back to the bright realms of eternal bliss. For +so rank a heresy there was perhaps neither authority nor justification, +and it did more honour to the hearts of the schismatics than it did +credit to their understanding or learning; so it was thought. The +majority of the disputants stuck, however, to the penal clause, which +says that the soul that dies in sin shall surely perish. These fortified +themselves behind ramparts built up of dogma and bound together with the +strong and lasting cement of human passions. Over the battlements they +hung out their banner, on which was emblazoned the words, "No +Surrender." The little band were driven back and had to seek +consolation in the thought that no matter what is said and done, God is +the God of Mercy. + +Poor, poor soul, how heavily you are weighted. Given passions, and +desires, and all kinds of forbidden fruit placed well within your reach, +with a longing to taste. Pluck, and you are straightway handed over to +the devil, to be flagellated, tortured, and burned everlastingly. So it +is said. Ye priests, in the past, what a heaven and what a hell have ye +made for human beings! See the father torn away from his fair-haired +child and hurled headlong to the bottomless pit, where there is nothing +but weeping and gnashing of teeth, and a fire that is never quenched. +See the mother taken away from her erring son, and winged up to heaven +with a bleeding, broken heart. See the sister with her loving arms +twined round some lost brother's neck, and crying out in her anguish, +"Lord! Lord! let me share his lot; let his misery be mine. Let me +moisten his parched lips with my tears. Where he lies let me lie also." +But the bitter parting has to come, and while one sobbing is taken to +Heaven, the other is sent to Hell. In the dark clouds that superstition +has hung over trembling humanity we see a little rift, as vivid in +brightness as when the Heavens are cleft with lightning, and through the +rent we see pale-faced Pity weeping for the loss of her children. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII. + + +A day having been set apart by the Buccaneer's High Priest for solemn +fasts, prayers, and humiliations, to counteract as far as possible the +evil effects which might be expected to arise from the impious conduct +of the Buccaneer, and devilish machinations of the conspirators of the +cook's caboose; and all the wise men in the island having been set to +work to find out the exact pressure that the ecclesiastical wrath had +upon the square inch of the social atmosphere, things sank down again to +their usual level; for no storm lasts forever. + +The captain of the watch, old Bill Dogvane, now summoned all the +conspirators before him, and rated them well for their folly and want of +forethought in setting the big drum of the church going. "Don't you see, +my lads," he said, "that things aren't ripe yet for such a sweeping +measure? All in good time; all in good time. But first and foremost see +which way the wind is blowing, and which way the current sets, and then, +my hearties, steer your course accordingly." + +The conspirators affected very great surprise; said that the whole thing +was a gross misrepresentation; a mere game got up entirely by Random +Jack, who, having stowed himself away, had listened to a private +conversation they had had in the cook's caboose. + +"Well, my lads, I think the storm is over, and the dust this time is +laid; but Chips, my man, where is your mate?" It now came out that +Chisel was ashore in tow of a lass, and when a sailor is so situated he +is never fit for duty. + +Just as old Dogvane was congratulating himself upon having got, as he +thought, into smooth water again, there come a hail from the shore of +"Ship of State, ahoy!" + +"What the devil is in the wind now?" cried Dogvane, as he took a look +over the ship's side. At the same time the Buccaneer, who was below, +called up to know who it was that was calling. "Ah!" said Dogvane to +himself, "I ought to have known that that old coach was a slow one to +travel." + +"Ship ahoy!" came again. "Who is that?" demanded the Buccaneer. + +"It looks uncommonly like old Squire Broadacre, sir," was Dogvane's +reply. Now this old gentleman had at one time been extremely well off, +and had kept up great state and open house; keeping many retainers, +feeding many mouths, but hard times had overtaken him, and he was now +sorely pinched, and even poverty was seen on the outskirts of his +property, and was drawing nearer to his door every day. The Buccaneer +ordered a boat to be sent ashore. + +"Send a boat ashore!" muttered Dogvane. "Why, a line of battle ships +would not hold him and his cargo of grievances, I know." However, a boat +was sent, and the old gentleman was ferried on board. The captain of the +Starboard Watch seeing the conspirators together abreast of the cook's +galley went up to them, saying, "A pretty kettle of fish you fellows +have put upon the fire. Here is some more of your handiwork." + +The butcher chuckled to himself, and said, "If you fellows had nipped +round and caught Random Jack, all this bother would have been saved." +The butcher was always criticising. + +"Ah! Billy," replied the carpenter, "like many another clever fellow, +you are extremely wise after the event; you see, it is not for you to +talk; if you hadn't had a nervous attack you might have caught him +yourself." + +All further discussion was put a stop to by the appearance on board of +the old squire, who seemed to be completely overcome with excitement. He +told the Buccaneer that he had it on the very best authority that he was +to be attacked and robbed, and he came to demand protection. Of course +in the abstract being a member of the Buccaneer's family he had a right +to protection. Things, he said, had come to a pretty pass if honest folk +were to be deprived of their property without people saying with your +leave or by your leave. + +The squire, following so closely upon the heels of the church, aroused +the anger of the old Sea King, who always on such occasions, made a +scapegoat of some one, and he now tried to make Dogvane perform that +most necessary but disagreeable office, but the captain was much too old +a bird to be caught either by chaff, or to have salt put upon his tail. + +Then no sooner had the fears of the old squire been somewhat allayed by +Dogvane declaring that it was all a party trick, than fresh trouble +arose; for the Ojabberaways taking advantage of the state of affairs, so +acted as to stop all business, and played on board the ship their old +game of "Mag's diversions," or the "devil's delight." But amidst all +this confusion there was one bright spot, and that was the noble way in +which the old coxswain had acted. When the Buccaneer heard of it he was +delighted and determined to reward him by elevating him to some high +position on board the Ship of State. Indeed, so impressed was he with +old Jack's abilities, that he was for sending him at once to the Upper +Chamber; but Jack said he would rather decline the honour, for the +members were proud, standing very much upon their dignity, and he feared +they might give him the cold shoulder. Besides which, he feared that as +the cook had taken a dislike to that establishment it could not last +long. Then the Buccaneer called to him Dogvane, and ordered him to find +honest Jack some post of distinction in the after part of the ship. + +The captain of the watch demurred to this, saying it would be a most +unconstitutional thing, and he contended that to raise so ordinary a +personage as Jack Commonsense from a position that was humble to one +that was exalted, and make all at once an officer of State of him, would +be fraught with extreme danger. In all probability everybody would +resign, for such an honest, straightforward fellow as the cox'sn was, +would be sure to rub the whole crew up the wrong way, which everyone +knew was a most dangerous thing to do; putting the fat in every way upon +the fire. He plainly intimated that to promote Jack Commonsense would +probably bring about discord, which might end even in revolution. +"Heaven only knows, sir!" he exclaimed, "we have wrangling enough as it +is on board the old ship." + +The Buccaneer thought the matter over, and said that he was considerably +disappointed, as he felt sure that Jack would not disgrace himself at +the council board. A thought seemed suddenly to strike him. "As you will +not have him here, Master Dogvane, I will make a bishop of him. His +presence on board the old Church Hulk will be an advantage to every one, +more especially in these critical times." He at once hailed the old ship +alongside, and expressed his wishes. There was a solemn conclave at once +held, and all the divines who were conspicuous for their learning and +piety were called together to consider so grave a matter, and after a +careful discussion, which lasted many hours, they arrived at the +conclusion that the old cox'sn could not on any account be made a bishop +or given even a place of any importance on board the Church Hulk. They +intimated that it would be more in keeping with a modest demeanour if he +contented himself with his present lot in life, and they pointed out +that pride which had turned satan himself out of Heaven was altogether +to be condemned. Besides, they said, they feared that if they gave the +old cox'sn a permanent place on board their ship he would in time +undermine the whole of their authority, and bring down the sacred +edifice about their ears, and that the High Priest and other +ecclesiastical dignitaries would be buried in the ruins, and forever +lost to the cause of religion. The members of the Solemn Conclave +admitted that Jack Commonsense was an inestimable and even religious +fellow, and that in the Buccaneer's realms he had nobly done his duty; +but as virtue was at all times its own reward, the old cox'sn could not +want any further recompense. Besides, they added, he had received no +ecclesiastical education; knew little or nothing of the Levitical Law, +or of the Fathers of Theology, and could not therefore be expected to +wrestle against the Devil's first lieutenant, Heresy. + +Thus poor old Jack's doom was sealed; but when he heard that neither +ship would have him at any price he was not down-hearted, but went on +his quiet way as before; giving himself neither airs nor graces like so +many people do. Old Jack was not one of those ambitious, self-confident, +self-seeking fellows whose only virtue is unbounded impudence, and who +are forever thrusting themselves forward, not caring two straws who +falls, or who is thrust to the wall, so long as they can struggle and +keep to the front; holding up before the eyes of the people their +farthing dip, and swearing its light is equal to ever so many candles, +or even oil lamps. + +"Well," said old Jack, as he trudged away, "if I do not rise, neither +shall I fall. Let those who like soar up on the butterfly wings of +ambition, I'll have none of it myself. Sooner or later old Dame Fortune +turns round her wheel and up comes her eldest daughter and pins your +butterfly to the earth with the sharp-pointed pin of adversity. Then +where are you?" + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII. + + +So far so well. The storm had been avoided. The cook and burly butcher +bowed their heads humbly before their captain; for no matter where he +led they were prepared to follow. Some said that the cook could only +expect promotion by sticking through thick and thin to the coat-tails of +old Dogvane; but the carpenter's spirit was mutinous, and he showed no +disposition to dance either to the cook's organ, or to be monkey-led by +the captain of the Starboard Watch. + +Although the Buccaneer was somewhat pacified, he determined to look into +things a little more himself, for, as he said, there could not be so +much smoke without a certain amount of fire. To begin with, he told the +captain of his watch that he intended interviewing the heads of some of +his departments. Dogvane tried to dissuade his master. He said it would +be unconstitutional and all sort of things. That the officials would not +like it. They could not bear meddling; it hurt their dignity. But it was +of no use, the Buccaneer was determined. + +The high State officials who had the management of the affairs on board +of the old ship thought, like most other servants, that they could best +serve their master by squandering his money; and they did it right +royally. Perhaps royally is not the proper word, for royalty is often +careful, if not close, with its own money, whatever it may be with other +people's. + +The lavish manner in which the Buccaneer's servants spent his money was +conspicuously shown in the administration of his army and navy, and in +fact in all his public works. The one great principle being to spend a +pound in laying out a penny, no matter whether it was a ship of war that +had to be built or the mouth of a poor starving person that had to be +filled. Whether this waste was due to carelessness, stupidity, or +ignorance, or to a combination of all three, matters little. The result +was the same. + +Finding his master was not to be put off, Dogvane began to cry up his +wares like the long shore cheap-Jacks. + +"Your Navy, sir," he said, "is in excellent condition, though of course, +the watch on shore deny this; but that is according to custom. We have +placed your navy in the hands of those who have been chosen on purely +constitutional principles. Here again, we show that we are not the +revolutionist that our enemies would make us out to be. Your first lord +of the Admiralty we have selected from amongst those who are +distinguished for their ignorance in all maritime matters. Men who do +not know a ship's head from a ship's tail. I believe I should, to be +quite correct, call it stern. It is of course a difficult thing to find +amongst an insular, and sea-faring people, any man absolutely ignorant, +but we do our best, and no man can do more. One thus selected, sir, on +purely constitutional principles, is more likely to be free from +prejudice than your professional man, and he is likely to exercise a +healthy check upon your sea lords, whose predisposition is to drift into +bloated armaments and bloody wars. This, of course, means money, and +your expenditure is already more than any of your neighbours, and if we +have not as many ships, sailors, and soldiers, as we ought to have, or +than what your neighbours have, we at least spend ever so much more +money, which must be to you an extreme satisfaction. If they say, look +at our armies! we say, look at our expenditure! Your fellows do not cost +a quarter, or a fraction as much, man for man, as our fellows do, or +ship for ship. Cheap things, it is well known, are not only not good, +but they are frequently nasty. Although your first lord may be totally +ignorant of all things pertaining to the sea, he is ably assisted by +distinguished sailors, and your first sea lord is ever ready and willing +to set your first lord right when he goes wrong, which he seldom if ever +does, or if he does we never receive any official information on the +subject. They all support their party. They see nothing they ought not +to see, and are at all times ready to swear that whatever is, is right, +as far their watch is concerned, and that whatever is, is wrong, as far +as the other watch is concerned. Honest sailors can do no more." + +"Master Dogvane, is this as it should be?" the Buccaneer asked. + +"Most assuredly, sir. It is most constitutional, and according to your +general custom." + +"Master Dogvane, I have found you to be of a sanguine temperament. You +told me my people were prosperous and contented. I have my doubts, and I +shall satisfy myself. But of that anon. Let my first lord of the +Admiralty be called." + +The first lord was down below listening to the first sea lord spinning a +yarn, and he was trying to learn how to do it; because at times he was +called upon to spin yarns with reference to his department. As has been +already stated in this most truthful history, there was a time when the +Buccaneer ruled the stormy ocean. He was then one of the finest sailors +that ever trod a plank or made use of a strange sea oath; but times had +changed, and many thought that modern innovation had taken the wind out +of his sails, and that he at present traded upon his past reputation. +But people must say something. + +The first lord of the Admiralty appeared. "Now, sir," said the +Buccaneer, "take charge, and let me see what you can do." The whole +sea-faring world had been so changed and modernized since the old +Buccaneer had commanded in person, that he really knew very little about +things; but ignorance can always be concealed by a discreet silence. + +The first lord being thus called upon to show his professional +knowledge, cried out, "Ease her! backer! stopper!" This was addressed +through a speaking trumpet to the old Church Hulk alongside; but as she +had never been known to move for years past, what the first lord said +was without effect. Indeed the crew of the old Church ship were busily +occupied in trying a rebellious priest who would neither mend his ways, +nor leave his pulpit, but breathed defiance against the High Priest and +all his ecclesiastical big guns. + +"What is all that about?" exclaimed the Buccaneer, addressing his first +lord. + +"Those, sir, are nautical expressions I have picked up on the river," +replied the first lord, "and I believe they are technically correct. If +they are not, I have no official information on the subject." + +The old Buccaneer not willing to display his ignorance, said, "I want, +sir, to know what state your department is in. What have you been doing; +and how are my ships?" + +"I have spent your money, sir, right well. I have bought some very fine +and fast new cruisers, and I gave as much for them as I decently could." + +"How is this?" cried the Buccaneer, "I used to be the first shipwright +in the world." + +"Rest easy, sir," Dogvane said. "These goods are of home manufacture. It +is your custom in times of peace to let your shipyards lie idle; but +when a scare comes, as come they will, in the best regulated nation, +then we buy your ships from private firms, and having husbanded your +wealth, you can the more readily give high prices in cases of +necessity." + +"But is this wise, Master Dogvane?" + +"It is constitutional, sir," was the captain's reply. He might have +added that it was also a customary thing to sell these ships, for which +so much had been given, for a mere song after the panic was over. + +The first lord continued, "Then as to what I have done, sir, I have had +the Admiral Superintendent's house at your principal naval station +thoroughly repaired, cleaned, and re-decorated. All your ships that +float are in a serviceable condition, and as they have no enemy to +contend against, except the elements, they occasionally run into one +another, just to keep their hands in, and occasionally a ship is sunk or +disabled. Although we have a due regard for your great wealth, we do not +encourage a too frequent repetition of this, as it is extremely costly. +There is still 'a sweet little cherub that sits up aloft and looks out +for the life of poor Jack.' That is, he would no doubt sit up aloft if +he had anything to sit upon or any place to put it." + +"You see, sir," exclaimed Dogvane with delight, "what excellent hands +your navy is in. Your first lord can also tip you a stave, as they say +at sea. He can sing you 'Oh! Pilot, 'tis a fearful night,' or 'All in +the Downs,' he is also exceptionally good at a break down." + +This high praise quite pleased the first lord, and wishing to advance +himself still more in the good graces of his master, he said, "I can +take an observation. I can use the strangest of sea oaths, and I can at +all times make it eight bells." + +"A man, sir, who can at all times make it eight bells, must needs be a +good sailor," Dogvane said. + +"But let me see him work the ship, Master Dogvane." + +The first lord being thus called upon to show his professional skill, +told the sea lord to stand by and look out for squalls, which he +accordingly did. + +"Close by fours--" cried the first lord; but the sea lord stopped him at +once by saying, "Steady there, shipmate! you are getting mixed." + +There was now a long discussion between the two lords of the Buccaneer's +Admiralty. The first lord declaring he never mixed, the first sea lord +declaring that he did. "Anyhow," cried the latter, "put your helm down +and go about." + +"Aye, aye," cried the first lord. "Helm's a lee; raise tacks and sheet. +All hands splice the main brace!" + +"Capital! capital!" exclaimed Dogvane, "your first lord, sir, is indeed +an excellent sailor. He can actually splice the main brace and I feel +sure that must be a most arduous undertaking; requiring much skill and +intelligence. He seems, indeed, to be gaining so much knowledge of his +profession that I shall have to move him to some other department, +probably the army; he has some slight knowledge of military matters, but +not enough to render him unfit for the post of secretary of State for +war. Fortunately the heads of your different departments are all +inter-changeable." + +"How about his accounts, Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked. + +"Ah! there, sir, I think you will find his ignorance most creditable. +Accounts are a sort of thing that no high official could possibly be +expected to understand." + +"What does my sea lord say?" asked the Buccaneer. + +"Rivet my bolts and split my plates! what do I say." + +"Note, sir, the change," Dogvane exclaimed. "It used to be shiver my +timbers, you see, sir, your first sea lord is quite in keeping with the +progress of the age. These changes of course have not been brought about +without much trouble and at great expense." + +"What do I say, your honour!" cried the first sea lord, "why clear the +decks for action and strike up the band." + +"What!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, as the blood mounted to his face, "are +we going to have a naval engagement? I have not seen such a thing, +Dogvane, for these many years past." + +The Buccaneer now looked on with surprise at the first sea lord, who, +having thrown aside his cocked hat, folded his arms and danced round the +deck on the circumference of a circle. + +"What is all this, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked. + +"He is going to dance you a hornpipe, sir. Your people are particularly +fond of such things and they would come in crowds from miles away to see +your first sea lord do the double shuffle." + +"But I don't want to see it, so stop him. I want to know something about +my ships." + +With very great difficulty the first sea lord was stopped, for he was +well under weigh and it was some little time before they brought him up +by hanging on to the swallow tails of his coat. + +"What do I say?" he cried. "That must depend very much upon what I am +expected to say. How's your head, captain?" This was addressed to +Dogvane and was meant as a signal of distress, and not as an expression +of solicitude for Dogvane's cranium. The hint was taken and the captain +said that their master wanted to know if his ships were well found and +whether he still ruled the sea. + +To this the sea lord replied, "Every ship, sir, that is not in Davy +Jones' locker, has the sea well under her, and, therefore, it may be +asserted that she has complete control of the sea." + +"Davy Jones' locker!" cried the Buccaneer in amazement, "why I sent very +few of my ships there in olden days and my enemies sent still fewer." + +Dogvane explained to his master that rapid strides had taken place in +all things naval and that great changes had been brought about. "We have +been so pressed for room, sir," he exclaimed, "that we have been obliged +to turn Davy Jones' locker into one of your principal dockyards, where +we keep many of your ships which are not required for immediate use." + +The first sea lord doused, as sailors say, his starboard glim, and +contemplated old Dogvane with the other, while a look of admiration and +a jovial smile played over his weather-beaten face as he answered: + +"Aye, aye, sir, and every year we send a ship or two there to be +repaired. The remainder we tinker up ourselves." The old Buccaneer made +no answer. Things had evidently changed very much indeed since he was +himself afloat, but it never does for a master to display a want of +knowledge before his servants. As to whether the Buccaneer had lost his +skill in seamanship and ship-building was merely a matter of opinion. +But there could be no doubt that anything he had lost in one direction +was amply made up by what he had gained in the tinkering line. Here he +could not be surpassed. + +"All your guns," continued the first sea lord, "that are neither cracked +nor burst are in excellent condition. Every ship that does not want for +anything is particularly well found, and your sailors, sir, are as jolly +and rollicking a lot of devils as ever turned a quid or drained a tot of +grog." + +"Capital! capital!" cried Dogvane, as he clapped his hands with delight, +"such skill and knowledge must be rewarded. We must bestow some high +distinctions upon these two officials. We must ennoble them and send +round your Hat of maintenance." The lords of the Admiralty were then +dismissed. + +In passing, it may be said that the old Buccaneer had navigated the +world in ships that, beside his present monsters, were but as cockle +shells, and all his great victories had been gained on board his old +wooden walls; but now his seamen were incased in iron or steel and had +to live and fight almost under water, and it was a matter of constant +dispute as to whether the Buccaneer had ships enough even to defend his +own shores. Some people going so far as to say that not only had he not +enough ships, but that he had no guns for what he had. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV. + + +The Buccaneer's War Minister now received his summons, as in naval +matters, so in military. The high official who had charge of his army, +and was responsible for the safety of the Buccaneer's vast empire, was +totally ignorant, or nearly so, of all things connected with the +military profession. When Dogvane descanted upon his ignorance of all +things military, the Buccaneer exclaimed: "Stay, Master Dogvane! if my +body is ailing should I not send for a physician, one skilled in +disease? If my mind is disturbed upon some spiritual matter should I not +send for my spiritual adviser? And if I want a legal opinion should I +not go to my lawyer?" + +"If you did, sir, I do not hesitate to tell you that you would be acting +in an altogether unconstitutional manner." + +"What! then if I want a coat made I should not go to my tailor? If I +want a pair of boots I should seek some other than my shoemaker to make +them?" + +"Undoubtedly, sir, for such ever has been your custom, and who will say +that it has not worked well; for you are both wealthy and great. Your +plan ever has been to put the roundest of men into the squarest of +holes. It is a fortunate thing, sir, that human nature is so pliable +that it can adapt itself to any condition." + +The War Minister was in his particular part of the ship, occupied, +together with the most eminent of the Buccaneer's military officers, in +testing and trying which of all the advertised food for infants was best +adapted to the requirements of the Buccaneer's military babes. They had +not settled this weighty matter when the War Minister received his +summons. Not being a soldier he was completely taken by surprise, of +course no soldier would allow himself to fall into such a perilous +position; but to show his comrades that he had not lost his self +possession he altered somewhat an old song of the Buccaneer's to suit +present purposes, and went away merrily singing: + + "I'm afloat, I'm afloat + In the old Ship of State, + The sailor's profession + I cordially hate." + +No doubt his thoughts were wandering back to the time when he himself +had been at sea. In all probability he had had charge of the Buccaneer's +navy and becoming too full of knowledge had been removed to the army. +When he appeared before his master he became quite flustered. The +official mind does at times, it is well known, play sad tricks, and +displays upon occasions the most wonderful oblivion. When asked as to +the state his department was in, he replied: "Quite ship-shape, sir, and +ready for sea." + +"It appears to me, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you are at sea." + +"Am I? Then let me go below. Like many others, I suffer until I get +accustomed to the up and down motion. The lee lurches and weather rolls +disturb me. The smell of the oil and tar is offensive, and the result is +painful. Then the sailor's quaint oaths I cannot understand. I dare not +chew, I cannot smoke, and I do not care to drink, so I feel convinced I +was never meant for the sea." + +The War Minister was brought sternly back to his senses by Captain +Dogvane, who told him in a severe tone to "wake up," and remember that +he was at present in charge of the Buccaneer's Land Forces. + +The War Minister was profuse in his apologies, and said: "In my time, +sir, I have filled so many posts that I occasionally get confused. Your +Army, sir, is most efficient, and I am proud to be able to tell you that +you pay more for your food, for powder, than any other nation under the +sun. This to one of your vast wealth must be a source of the greatest +satisfaction; indeed, it must be a glorious thing to contemplate. We +have recently made vast preparations, which of course have been +costly." + +"This, sir, is as I told you, and will account for the money you +advanced me, over that little affair in the East." + +"Ah! Master Dogvane, how is that going on?" + +"Excellently well, sir," was Dogvane's reply; "at least I have no +official information to the contrary. At present, sir, things nearer +home claim our attention." + +The War Minister continued: "We have laid in an immense amount of +warlike stores, and these, as every one knows, are most costly articles, +and it takes far more to kill a man in the present state of military +science than it would take to keep him alive and in comparative comfort +to the crack of doom. On paper, sir, I can mobilize an army, on paper I +could place it in the field and on paper I could feed and clothe it. I +could, if called upon, club either a battalion, a brigade or even a +division." + +Dogvane was not a soldier, but he thought it right to encourage his +subordinates whether they were right or wrong, so he exclaimed: +"Capital, capital!" Then turning to his master, he said: "Beyond this, +sir, you could not expect your War Minister to go. For a general +deficiency in professional knowledge I feel sure it would be hard to +find his equal. For your practical information you must go to your Field +Marshal Commanding-in-Chief, than whom I am told you have no better +soldier, and no one has done more to stamp out from amongst your +soldiers the pernicious habit of using bad language; and this has not +been done by any brutal exercise of power, but all by kindness and the +force of good example." + +"Then my Field Marshal never swears?" the Buccaneer asked. + +"Never, sir; at least," he said aside, "hardly ever." + +The Buccaneer, being a very religious man, was very pleased to hear +this. "But what is all this I hear," he said, "about my poor fellows who +are fighting for me not having proper food?" + +"The campaign in which you are at present engaged in the East." + +Dogvane stopped the War Minister abruptly, and went into a long +explanation. He drew many subtle distinctions as before, between +different kinds of warlike operations some of which he said, though +offensive in form were purely defensive in essence. In fact, if looked +at from a proper point of view were no operations at all. Dogvane's +reasoning was of such an obscure nature that nobody could understand it, +and there were doubts in the minds of some as to whether Dogvane himself +understood what he was talking about. + +The Buccaneer, fearing he might get out of his depth if he followed his +captain too far, came back to the main charge, and said to his War +Minister: "I am told my soldiers' food was so bad that they could +scarcely eat it. That their tea and coffee was mere filth, and that even +the water they had to drink was of the vilest description, and this too, +when I am surrounded by the newest inventions which will make the +muddiest stream as pure as crystal, and I spare no expense?" + +"None whatever, sir," was the War Minister's reply. "I can assure you we +pay the highest price for everything, and we can do no more. We have +heard no complaints, and vague rumours we never heed." The official ear +on the Buccaneer's island was quite as deaf as what the official eye was +blind. Dogvane said he should not be at all surprised if all these +reports were put about by the other watch, or as likely as not by that +busy little devil, Random Jack. "All about your War Office, sir," he +said, addressing the Buccaneer, "look particularly well fed, and are +well clothed. I have not seen a crack in either coat or trouser. They +seem to want for nothing, and they are, I presume, a fair sample of the +whole; but satisfy yourself, sir. Ask your Field Marshal if he is well +fed and well clothed, and as the fountain-head, so, no doubt, is the +stream that flows from it. No expense has been spared, I can assure +you." + +"And so, Master Dogvane, you all think to serve best my interests by +squandering my money, which goes into the capacious pockets of the money +grabbing rascally contractors." + +"We have it, sir, on the authority of your only general, who, though an +Ojabberaway, is worthy of credence, that, at no time in your whole +history has your army been in so excellent a condition." + +"Have I then only one general?" the Buccaneer asked in surprise. + +"Only one that we have officially any knowledge of; for further +information on that subject, sir, I must refer you to your +Commander-in-chief. Your military administration is distinguished for +its very great zeal and energy. For long and weary hours--in fact, from +10 o'clock in the morning till 4, or even 5 o'clock in the dewy evening, +the busy brains of your War Office officials are constantly at work +grinding up all military ideas to a common level of official pulp, and +it says a very great deal for the quality of the official brain that it +has never yet broken down under the severe strain that has been put upon +it. There has not been, as far as I know, a single instance of well +authenticated madness inside your War Office. Go to your arsenals, and +you will find them a busy hive of industry. The hive is occasionally +blown up by an explosion, but the operatives, as a class, are happy and +contented. Your military nurseries are full of the most promising +children, who will, should they survive the many ills that childish +flesh is heir to, develop, no doubt, into most excellent soldiers. Is it +not so?" This latter was addressed to the War Minister, who said that it +was, and added: "They have all been vaccinated, and most of them have +had the measles, and not a few the whooping-cough. In olden days, sir, +your battles were fought by the scum of your populations. This great +blot in your military system we are eradicating, and in the future, sir, +moral force, which, it has been estimated, is equal to about three to +one of physical force, will play no mean part in all your military +undertakings. Therefore, multiplying your units by three gives you a +first fighting line of over 500,000 men, with a total fighting power of +about one million and a half." + +"Take care, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you do not make my soldiers +too thin skinned. A pampered dog won't fight, and a hound too finely +bred will not face the prickles of a gorse bush. Whatever my soldiers +were in the past they fought well, and have built up for me a +reputation, that I hope my soldiers of to-day and those who lead them +and those who guide them will know how to keep. The deeds, Master +Dogvane, of the brave lads that are gone are written on tablets placed +on the walls of the Temple of Fame. Let no foul breath of calumny be +breathed over them, for whatever sins they have committed have been +washed out with their own blood. One thing, Master Dogvane, they at +least had, and that was, good trusty steel." + +Dogvane took the hint, and thought that a little candour would best +serve his purpose. "It has come to my ears, sir, that our modern steel +is not quite up to the mark, so to test it I have ordered a Royal +Commission to sit upon our bayonets and cutlasses, and if they can +support without bending or breaking so severe a strain, their temper +must be good indeed. It has been said too, amongst other things, that +your machine guns occasionally jam and I will not deny that it is so, +when they are in the hands of your sailors, but, then, they are such +merry devils that they would jam almost anything." + +The War Minister now being called upon to continue his report, said: +"Your militia, sir, which has always been considered the backbone of +your army gives us little or no consideration, and it seems to get on +very well without our interference. Whatever care, attention, and +patronage we have to spare we bestow it upon your volunteers--a most +worthy body of men, costing you but little; not encumbered with too much +equipment, and fed and nourished almost entirely upon official butter, +which is the cheapest of all articles of food, on a recent occasion, +sir, when you were engaged in operations in Egypt." + +"In Egypt!" the Buccaneer exclaimed, and the hot words of the gipsy came +back upon him, and he was lost for a while in his own moody thoughts. + +For a time the War Minister spoke to deaf ears. "You bought thousands of +camels, and mules, and pack-saddles innumerable. After the purchase was +completed we were delighted to find that these saddles were for the most +part perfectly useless, as they would not fit any animal in your +possession, so we were enabled to sell them at a considerable loss." + +"Is this right, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked, waking up. + +"It is quite constitutional, sir, and is the result of your peculiar and +long cherished system. I do not say that things would not work better +under a round hole for a round man plan; but you are so accustomed to +the other that to change might be dangerous. It would certainly be +revolutionary." + +The War Minister continued. "In purchasing your stores, sir, we also +acted upon principle and custom. We gave as few orders as possible to +your own people; but distributed them as evenly as we could amongst your +neighbours." + +The Buccaneer was about to make a reply; but Dogvane nipped it in the +bud by saying: "It is quite constitutional, sir." If this was so of +course the old Sea King had nothing to say, for he loved his +constitution. + +"Our beef and pork," said the War Minister, "we get from our cousin, the +cheap-Jack Jonathan. Our sauce we get from your neighbour, Madame +France." + +"Do you remember what a neatly turned ankle she had, sir?" said Dogvane, +who, like all sailors and not a few landsmen, had a great admiration for +the ladies. + +"Our pickles," the War Minister continued, "we get from Germany, and are +of a well known brand, high flavoured and satisfying. As we are the very +best tinkers in the world, our pots, pans, and camp kettles we make and +mend at home. We feed your full-grown soldiers on worn-out +draught-bullocks brought over from Holland, and on the most delicious +messes. We give them a highly flavoured stew peculiar to the +Ojabberaways. They have had an abundance of Egyptian hash. This again +has been varied by a goodly supply of Indian curry, Afghan ragout, and a +very savoury mess peculiar to Burmah. I may just mention in passing, +that through the most creditable carelessness on the part of one of your +generals we got rid of a very large number of camels, which were +slaughtered by the enemy; thus saving us the trouble and expense of +their keep. For any other information I must refer you to your Field +Marshal." + +Dogvane dismissed this official, praising him very much for the state of +his department. + +When the distinguished soldier appeared, who was at the executive head +of the army, he stood in the attitude peculiar to soldiers. His head was +erect and every limb was rigid, and the arms were extended by the side +of the body, fingers straight and closed on the thumbs, which were in a +line with the seams of his trousers. This is the easy and graceful +attitude of military respect as laid down by regulation. + +"How, sir, is it that you have allowed my army so to deteriorate that I +have only one general?" asked the Buccaneer, as he cast upon his Field +Marshal a look of pride. "At one time I could count them by the scores." + +"Sir, two kings cannot sit on one throne, and at present your island is +not sufficiently large to hold more than your only general." + +The Buccaneer showed extreme solicitude for the well being of his only +general, whose life was, of course, extremely precious, so he exclaimed: +"Field Marshal! I command you on all occasions to protect the life of my +only general. Form yourself into a rampart round him and save him from +the bullets of my enemies. Even as David in the days of old sent Uriah +the Hittite to the front of the battle, so send I you, should I be +engaged in any military operation either of an offensive or defensive +nature." + +The Field Marshal, commanding in chief, no doubt felt keenly the very +great confidence thus placed in him, though of course it would not have +been in keeping with the tradition of his profession to show any outward +signs of exultation. + +The captain of the watch, seeing the great concern that the Buccaneer +had on account of the dearth of generals, and knowing his love for the +Bible, tried to console him by saying: "Fear not sir! that Providence +which shapes our ends, rough hew them as we may, will find you with +other generals, even as Abraham was provided by Heaven with a ram in the +bush." + +Sometimes the most trivial circumstance will ward off the most serious +catastrophe, and the remark of Dogvane gave the old Sea King an +opportunity to indulge in a little pleasantry. "A general in the hand, +Master Dogvane," he said, "is worth two in the bush." Now, however small +a joke may be, or indeed however heavy and obscure, it is the duty of +all subordinates to see it at once, and to laugh at it immoderately. +This was shown to an eminent degree even in the Buccaneer's Courts of +Justice, the atmosphere of which was so charged with judicial gravity +that the slightest possible humour on the part of a judge was quite +sufficient to convulse the whole court and bar with laughter. The +Commander-in-chief being in uniform could not laugh as much as he would +have done, had he not been so buttoned up. It was his duty to appreciate +the joke of the Buccaneer, and in a matter of duty the Field Marshal was +never found wanting. Dogvane laughed as immoderately as if the joke had +been his own. The clouds having been dispelled by merry peals of +laughter the Buccaneer asked if his soldiers were as good as those who +fought at Ramillies and Waterloo; these being two of the Buccaneer's +most famous battles. The Field Marshal was obliged to answer this +officially. He said that as far as brute strength and physical force +were concerned, that perhaps the soldier of to-day was not quite equal +to the soldier of the past; "but," he added, "what he has lost in +stature and chest measurement he has gained in morality and sobriety. +The men of Ramillies drank deeply, and those of Flanders swore terribly +hard, so we are told; no doubt on account of some peculiarity in the +climate; but now, sir, by the force of my own good example I have done +very much towards stamping out the pernicious habit of making use of bad +language from amongst your soldiers." + +"So I have heard," replied the Buccaneer, "and it does you extreme +credit." What a gross iniquity to call so good a man as our Buccaneer a +psalm-singing, old humbug! It only shows what a hold envy, hatred, +uncharitableness, and even malice, have upon the human mind. + +"Field Marshal!" said the Buccaneer, addressing the Commander-in-chief, +"you have done well, and it is my intention to reward you. I can bestow +upon you no greater title than you at present possess, and of income +you have ample, so I cannot increase that; but knowing how much you have +at heart the welfare of the profession which you yourself so much adorn, +I wish to give you some mark of my high esteem and favour. I therefore +command Dogvane, that my army be at once increased by one man and two +boys." + +Hearing this the Commander-in-Chief was overcome with emotion, and +Dogvane said, "My master is indeed generous. I am myself much against +bloated armaments; but still it is as well to strike at times a little +awe into our neighbours, who are always peacocking about Europe, and +they will respect us all the more. With this increase, and the aid of +our reserves, and our brave auxiliaries, our army will be placed on a +war-footing. No doubt all this will not be without its effect upon the +Eastern Bandit, and will assist King Hokee in his undertaking." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV. + + +In spite of what Will Dogvane had said to the contrary there was +discontent in the Buccaneer's island. Now the sound was far away; now it +surged up and dashed against the old gentleman's ears like the angry +surf upon the sea-shore. It is necessary to make some little mention yet +of the cause of this disaffection. His toilers and his moilers were +undoubtedly very much better off than what they had been, and +considerably better off than those of many of his neighbours. They +earned more wages, and worked less hours, and in recent years wages had +increased nearly twofold; but it must be owned that they were less +thrifty, and loved too well their pewter pot. His population, however, +had increased to such an extent, and other nations had entered into such +competition with him, producing many things as good and as cheap, and +even very much cheaper, that he had lost the control over the markets of +the world, consequently many even of the skilled hands were idle, and +for the unskilled, the weakly, and the sick, their case was still +harder, yet every mouth had to be fed, and every body clothed. All kinds +of medicines were prescribed by the multitude of doctors, who were +forever trying to treat the disease. Then behind those above alluded to +there came a gang who would only work at cutting throats and picking +pockets, and who were always ready to join in any cry, or any movement, +that might tend to advance their particular calling. + +The carpenter had addressed the family of Hodge on more occasions than +one, and he had told them that they were the most pathetic figure in the +whole of the Buccaneer's social system, for that they were condemned to +unremitting toil, with only the poor-house before them. Alas! that the +cry should ever come from honest Hodge that all he asked for was work. +This poor fellow does commend himself to the sympathy and compassion of +all; for the sunniest side of his life is to work with bent back and +horny hands from sun-rise to sun-down. But he was not the most pathetic +figure in the Buccaneer's island. Behind him Poverty came struggling +along, and with barely food enough to keep body and soul together, +brought forth and increased without the slightest thought for the +morrow. Pity was forever trying to help her, and over her sad lot she +shed an abundance of tears. The old coxswain tried to reason with her; +but all to no purpose, she clung to her wretched hovels and held on her +own way. Nature took her in hand occasionally, and taught her a lesson +in a rough and ready fashion. Our universal mother is not soft-hearted, +and she never spoils her children by sparing the rod, so when Poverty's +family becomes overcrowded, she works off the surplus by disease, when +the guilty and the innocent suffer alike. Is not Mercy to be seen +standing in the back ground? + +The old Buccaneer thought to find some healing power in the fruit taken +from the tree of knowledge, so that Poverty's children partaking thereof +might learn somewhat of the blessings of thrift, temperance, industry, +and self-denial. But is not the fruit of this tree somewhat like that +flower of which a celebrated friar once said: + + "Within the infant rind of this small flower, + Poison hath residence, and medicine power." + +In the above nature of things lay the root of very much of the +discontent. The tools lay ready for the worker's hands. The worker being +that human wind bag, called an agitator; one who would find fault with +the order of things even in heaven itself. + +This wind bag is forever holding up before the eyes of his dupes a +picture painted in the most gorgeous colours; plenty without labour, and +a general basking in the sunshine of idleness. He points the finger at +wealth, and cries out with a loud voice, "There lies the cure for all +your suffering; see how high above your heads the rich man looks. Go +take, eat and be merry, to-day live, for to-morrow you die." To the +empty stomach, and the ragged back this doctrine has a pleasant sound. +Neither is it without its effect upon that large multitude who have to +earn a scanty living by the sweat of their brow. The uncertainty of the +daily bread; the fear of sickness, and the cry of hungry children open +the ears sometimes even of the well disposed. Then amongst many other +things, man is by nature a lazy animal, and will not work except in rare +instances, unless necessity compels him. Take the noble savage of whom +honourable mention has already been made. He only hunts by compulsion; +for want of food in fact, which, having found, he lies down and sleeps, +and idles his time away until necessity prods him in the stomach again, +and sends him off to his happy hunting grounds. Man is the same wherever +found, and if anybody will provide him with food and clothes, without +any exertion on his part he will not say him nay, nor will he show much +gratitude. He will soon learn to look upon it as a right. + +There were a good many kind-hearted people in the Buccaneer's island who +were doing all they could to develop and foster this innate love of +idleness. Already the people had their food for the mind given to them +free of charge in the shape of free libraries, and soon the cry for free +food for the body might be expected to rise up all over the land, to be +followed in due course by a demand for community of property. This, +indeed, was already being whispered about. It is an unmitigated evil to +take from the individual the responsibility of keeping himself, and +bringing up his family. He will not work if you do, and the train of +poverty becomes increased, and there is no limit to the extension. As +the Devil even is supposed at times to quote Scripture, so do the wind +bags, who play upon the wants of the people, frequently base their +doctrine of universal plunder upon the teachings of Christ. But did not +a small band of early Christians try this share and share alike +principle? But it did not answer, and see what has come of it. The pomp, +magnificence, splendour and wealth of the Roman Catholic Hierarchy with +its Priest-King. Who too would think that the pride and majesty of the +Buccaneer's State Church with its High Priest clothed in temporal as +well as spiritual power took its rise from the teachings of Him, who +gathered on the shores of the sea of Galilee a few simple and faithful +disciples to whom He preached the doctrine of humility, chastity, +poverty, and love, and a charity as bountiful as the rain which falls +from heaven on flowers and weeds alike. Did He not say to them "Provide +neither gold nor silver, nor brass in your purses, nor scrip for your +journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves; for the +workman is worthy of his meat?" Ah! the meat, sometimes called hire; +there lies the rock upon which so many run, and their frail barks are +shivered to pieces; allured to their destruction by the songs of a siren +called Mammon. + +But the priest he has a stomach as well as the layman. He has a back too +which must be covered, and he has his many other wants that must be +attended to. One has taken to himself a wife, and he would fain have his +Lord excuse him, on her account. Another has many children who have to +be fed, clothed, and taught, and put out into the world. Then things +have changed since the days even of St. Paul. Wages have very much +increased, and around religion there has grown surroundings that must be +attended to for the sake of the uncrowned queen Respectability. Ask not +how all these mighty things have been brought about. Without doubt, the +Buccaneer's High Priest or anyone of his learned ecclesiastics could +explain all to you in a most satisfactory manner. They would tell you +how the Scriptures have to be construed to suit the needs of modern +Christians. The mighty "_This_" has he contracted and the small "_That_" +has to be stretched; but so long as an orthodox priest sits upon the box +of your coach and four, it matters little where, and through what he +drives. + +Briefly, it may be said, that community of property has no charm except +for that class of a community known by the name of rogues and vagabonds. +Then, as if the very Devil was in it, the Buccaneer's women were +beginning to cry out for more liberty, and disaffection seemed to have +taken a strong hold upon the female breast. The advanced portion of +these wanted to overturn the present order of things, and to put up in +its place, a sort of Hen Convention in which women were to have equal +rights and apparently man's privileges as well as their own. To tell +these women that they had a sphere, was merely to excite their ridicule, +and court their contempt. But the strangeness of the thing was, that +while the men were crying out because they had not work sufficient to +keep them in many cases from starving, the women wanted to increase the +difficulty still more by entering the same fields of labour. Of course +poor women must live, and if men are so selfish that they will not keep +them in the Holy bonds of matrimony, why, the women must keep +themselves. It is true that the men did show an indisposition to set +upon their hearth a rival, who instead of attending to domestic duties, +might give them a political lecture or a discourse upon either ethics, +philosophy, or science. The women too out-numbered the men; spinsters +growing more numerous every day, and as it is well-known that the +mortality amongst the males of all species is far greater than that +amongst the females, on account of the greater risk they run, the above +evil might be expected to increase rather than diminish, unless nature +took the matter in hand and balanced matters by an epidemic amongst the +women. But as matters now stood, the conspiracy amongst the Buccaneer's +female sex bid fair to be far more serious than that of the cook's +caboose. + +It has been said that the man who allows a woman to usurp his authority +is in a pitiful condition, for that it shows he has lost somewhat of his +manhood. One thing is certain, the woman he has to live with will not +respect him, and it is more than probable that she will take the +earliest opportunity to show her contempt. It is still worse when this +applies not to an individual here and there, but to the majority of a +people. + +What voice is that crying out that we insult the whole of womanhood? +Good lady, if you cast aside your bodkin, and take up the weapons that +have hitherto been considered as peculiar to man, you must not cry out +when you feel yourself injured. You cannot have your cake and eat it +too. "A foolish woman is clamorous; but a good woman retaineth honour." +So said one, who is accounted the wisest man that ever lived. + +It does not appear that the true position of woman in the world's +economy has yet been clearly defined. She was once man's slave. She is +now supposed, in all civilised countries, to be his helpmate and +companion, and in the Buccaneer's island she showed a strong disposition +to become his rival. Poetry has assigned to her a place amongst the +angels; reality, on the other hand, has frequently given her a place +amongst the devils. Then again she is supposed to be weak and fragile, +but though she may not be able to walk a mile in pure fresh air, she +will dance many, and several nights a week in the fetid atmosphere of a +ball-room. Although she takes little or no healthy exercise, the general +woman's appetite is good if not absolutely robust, and although they are +all more or less invalids, they generally outlive man. A recent +philosopher amongst the Buccaneer's people had said, when speaking of +woman, that though eminently adapted to that position for which God +apparently intended her, she is not from her constitution and make, +adapted to take man's place in the world, and by attempting such a thing +all concerned must lose. Unfortunately, the Buccaneer's advanced women +did not seem to see this, and they seemed disposed to quarrel with the +work of our Creator. The woman's character is conflicting. When she is +drawn by her sister, she does not at times appear in too beautiful +colours; for she is frequently depicted as vain, silly, jealous, weak, +cruel and revengeful, often kissing the sister she intends to stab, and +in this resembling somewhat those reptiles which slobber over the victim +they intend to devour. But is it the model or the artist who is at +fault? + +From history we learn that the presence of woman upon the earth has not +been an unmixed blessing, for she seems to have caused as much sorrow as +ever she has joy, and the estimation in which she was held in ancient +Biblical times is pretty well manifested by the author of the Mosaic +Cosmogony, who attributes to her the damnation of the whole human race. +Through her first act of disobedience man first tasted of the cup of +misery, and she has been holding the cup to his lips ever since. +Constituted as woman is, was it not cruel to place an injunction on that +fatal tree? for, tell a woman not to do a thing and she is pretty +certain to do it. Of course our first father did not act over +honourably. If he had been imbued with the principles of modern chivalry +he would have screened Eve; have sworn, perhaps, that she was not at all +to blame, and finished up by flinging the apple at the tempter's head. +But man ever had, and always will have an ungodly stomach, and so Adam +took the apple and did eat. Notwithstanding the chivalry aforesaid it is +generally believed that there are more Adams in the world now than what +there are Josephs, and if the trial of the apple came over again, man +would fall even as he fell before, though he were to be ten times more +damned. It is a thousand and one pities that the arch Fiend did not wait +until Eve had become a little old and ugly, for then Adam might have +refused the apple and the whole human race might have been saved. + +The Essenes would not marry, not because they denied the validity of the +institution or its necessity, but because they were convinced of the +artfulness and fickleness of the female sex. Then again, the Buddhist +believed, if he does not believe, that no woman could attain a state of +supreme perfection. The accomplished woman becomes man. + +Read where we will, and what we will, and let us bend our steps whither +we like, and we find that woman is generally believed to be at the +bottom of everything. We are told that Metellus Numidicus, the censor, +acknowledged to the Roman people in a public oration that had kind +nature allowed us to exist without the help of women, we should be +delivered from a very troublesome companion. But, though man still +growls, poets still sing about woman, lovely woman, and though man +sometimes finds her a devil, painters still depict her in the form of an +angel, and man's imagination fills heaven with beings in her shape and +likeness. + +To be just; has not woman somewhat to complain of? Was she not made +after man, and, as some think, of the refuse material? Then again has +she not been sent into the world with, on an average, five ounces less +brains than the allowance given to man? And has she not, from the very +beginning, been obliged to bear patiently, and for the most part with +meekness, all these slights and insults? And to finish, was she not made +as a meet and fitting companion for man? Who will be so impious as to +say that she was spoilt in the making? Alas! we cannot do without her; +no matter how uncomfortable we may at times be with her; and a smile, or +a tear, on a pretty face will blot out and efface all the splutterings +that fall from the pen of ill nature. + +What man is there who has not created in his mind some womanly idol, and +here often lies the misfortune; for idols will fall and break into +thousands of pieces; but until the catastrophe happens, we worship at +our shrine and look upon fair forms with heavenly faces; bright radiance +is shed over every feature, and we are in an atmosphere free from all +impurity. We look up to and adore a being whose soul is never clouded by +a base thought; whose chaste and cherry lips never give utterance to a +tainted word. One who can be pure without being a prude; gentle and +charitable without there being a suspicion even of foolishness; one who +can be sensible without being masculine, and innocent without being a +vain and frivolous idiot. + +Do I dream? Hush then! do not wake me. Let me wander on, if only for a +brief space in the realms of fancy. I will build for myself castles, and +will people them with fair fantasies. What lovely faces do I see! fit +indexes for pure and intelligent minds. Complexions never touched by the +paint soiled fingers of Art, but as delicate as the petals of a lily, +with the faint blush of the setting sun resting upon them, the whole +crowned with a woman's glory dipped in sunshine and not in dye. What +lovely forms, clothed in silver sheen and girdled with golden belts made +in the armoury of the King of Day! + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI. + + +The Buccaneer not being able to obtain any reliable information, for +reasons already mentioned, and the voice of the disaffected becoming +louder and louder every day, he determined to hold a grand court, when +all grievances could be made known, and all wrongs if possible +redressed. + +When old Dogvane heard of this fresh departure of his master from the +beaten paths of custom, he was very much disturbed. "What, my master!" +he said, "take the muzzle off people's mouths? Rest assured, sir, that +wherever there are human beings, there will be discord and discontent, +which, if encouraged, will soon break through the bounds of moderation +and flood the whole country. Think you, sir, there is a single one in +all your realms who looks upon himself as well treated, though for many +of them hanging would be too good? Say but the word and every molehill +of discontent will be turned into a mountain of no mean size." + +It was of no use, the Buccaneer had made up his mind, so the +proclamation was sent out and vast preparations were made. There was +soon great commotion all along the hard. People busy, and a constant +running to and fro. Loads of timber were brought and placed all ready +for the carpenter's hands. There was very much sawing, chiselling and +hammering from early morning until late at night. Bit by bit a huge +structure was built up just in front of the old Constitution public +house, which was, for the time, quite hidden from view by the tiers of +seats, which commencing from a low dais or platform, rose up to a +considerable height behind, being as high indeed as the roofs of the +tallest houses. On the dais and in the centre, there was placed a chair +of State, and the seats immediately behind this were of superior make +and were draped with crimson cloth of superior quality. The awning +overhead was of cloth of gold, and banners were fixed in every suitable +place, while tall flag poles reared their heads and displayed a cloud of +different coloured bunting. Flags of every nation were to be seen, and +altogether it was a noble sight. Then all the windows along the hard +were dressed out gaily, and festoons of natural and unnatural flowers +were hung about from poles, windows, and roofs. The old Ship of State +was decked in holiday attire, and flags fluttered in the breeze from her +mast heads down to the very water's edge. It was indeed a noble sight to +see the Buccaneer's two ships, and his chief city thus arrayed. + +The day at length dawned that was to witness this wonderful pageantry. +Almost as soon as the first ray of light peeped over the head of +departing night crowds of people began to assemble. The old Ship of +State fired her morning gun, and the ship alongside of her called all +the pious Buccaneers to prayer, and hymns rose up on the morning dew. + +The leaders of the disaffected began to marshal their respective bands. +There was the sound of music, for on such occasions, people can not get +on without it. It soothes the savage beast, so it is said, and in other +ways does good. Curious idlers with open mouths, full of wonder, passed +to and fro, for such a sight had never been seen before. + +The hour came for the great march past to begin, and Liberty, who was +the mistress of the ceremonies, was trying with very great difficulty to +keep her motley crowd in order. The brazen-throated trumpets now brayed +out the notice of the approach of the great Buccaneer, or fighting +trader. How he now styled himself will be shortly seen. With slow and +stately step the great man walked, preceded by his lion and followed +immediately by his trusty coxswain old Jack Commonsense, who was got up, +regardless of expense, for the occasion. The Buccaneer walked between +walls of his subjects, and listened, no doubt, with extreme pleasure to +their shouts of welcome and delight. To see the great is at all times a +gratifying spectacle, when the treat is not repeated too often. After +the Buccaneer had passed his people and had taken his place in the +chair of state, they began to make their comments. "Ah!" said some, "he +is not the man he was." "Yes, yes," cried others, "he is indeed sorely +changed. See how gingerly he treads; how fat he has grown; he is +terribly out of condition. Did you notice, too, that his lion has lost +most of his teeth?" It could not be denied that the bold Buccaneer's +step was not as elastic as it used to be. He was not the gay, +rollicking, hard hitting old sailor that he was in days of yore. Luxury +had begun to mark him as her own, and much energy of action is never +found in her train. He looked puffy and bloated, and altogether, as some +of his people said, out of condition. A voice from the crowd exclaimed +that a good healthy skunk would be far more serviceable than that old +lion. It was the cheap-Jack Jonathan. It was wonderful how he tried to +pass off that skunk of his upon other people; all of whom had no doubt +plenty of skunks of their own. But Jonathan was such a boastful fellow +that he would not be beaten even in a matter of skunks. + +Behind the Buccaneer came a numerous retinue of priests, ministers, +soldiers, sailors, statesmen, officials of every degree and parasites of +all kinds and descriptions, for, of course, so great a man could not be +without his fair share of these human insects to feed upon him. The +Buccaneer having taken his seat, with his coxswain standing behind his +chair, the numerous and splendid retinue filed on to the platform and +took up their respective places behind. First of all came the Lords +Spiritual and then the Lords Temporal, and then the rest of the goodly +company, according to their rank and condition. Just as everything was +ready there was a slight confusion caused by an angry discussion between +a pimp and a parasite about the order of precedence; but the dispute was +happily settled without bloodshed. Both watches were, of course, present +on so great an occasion, and amongst the rest were the conspirators of +the cook's caboose. The magnificence of the assemblage was gorgeous in +the extreme, and dazzling, for all wore their robes of state. Jonathan +thought he saw a favourable opportunity of doing a little business, so +he began to offer blue spectacles of a cheap make, and at a seductively +moderate price to the assembled multitude. + +Many shouts rose up as some well-known personage passed to his place, +and to save trouble Dogvane kept on bowing acknowledgments for all. +Pepper, the cook, who sat between Billy Cheeks and Chips, with the man +who had been thrown overboard on one occasion, just behind him, tried +very hard to make himself big enough to attract public notice; but he +was only partially successful. Just in front of the platform, but off +it, there was a railed-in space for the Press, to the members of which +the Buccaneer was obliged, as has been already stated, to be +particularly civil, for if affronted, not only would they turn upon him +and lecture him, but they would abuse him plentifully into the bargain. +They all had in front of them their pots of ink, coloured according to +the party they served. Better kill a plenipotentiary than hurt one of +these gentlemen by an unguarded expression. The Beggar Woman, though no +doubt somewhere amongst the crowd, was not conspicuous on this occasion. + +Silence was ordered, and prayer was said, and hymns of praise were sung. +The greatness and the goodness of the Buccaneer were set to sacred +music, and the singers also glorified themselves while they glorified +their master. The High Priest then asked the Ruler of all things to take +this most respectable and pious Buccaneer under His especial protection, +and through His priesthood to bless him; to confound his enemies; to +make him happy, prosperous and glorious, and a few other things scarcely +worth the mentioning, but which would materially increase his joy in +this world. In the end, he asked that the Buccaneer might, through his +Church, obtain a good inheritance in the Kingdom of Heaven. After this +light spiritual refection the Buccaneer experienced that gentle calm +which piety and respectability alone can give, and that inner +consciousness, which at all times so gratified him, namely, that he was +so much better than any of his neighbours, and all those who did not +walk along his road to heaven. He was now quite ready for business. + +A very high state official, who was robed in cloth of gold of superior +quality and make, and whose back and front were covered with heraldic +devices, now blew a long and loud blast upon a brazen trumpet, he then +cried out in a loud voice: "Listen all ye whom it may concern. Know ye +then that the most illustrious, potent, and powerful Sea King (thus he +was styled in all official documents), the mighty ruler of an empire, +upon which the sun never sets, the keeper of the keys of Heaven, the +defender of the only true Faith, having heard that some few of his liege +subjects, consider themselves in some trifling matters aggrieved, has +been most graciously pleased to hold this grand court at this time +assembled, so that grievances may be heard and wrongs redressed. May God +bless our great Sea King!" The last few words were merely a matter of +form, because it was well known that the Buccaneer and all his people +were the Lord's anointed. The trumpets again sounded and the procession, +or march past, of the disaffected was ordered to begin; but now another +grave difficulty arose; who was to lead? The mistress of the ceremonies, +following a time-honoured custom, was for bringing on the ladies first, +but a noisy lot of Ojabberaways declared that their burden of oppression +was so great as to do away with all traditions, and that unless they +were allowed to have their own way, no business should be done. + +Nothing, perhaps, showed the unfortunate state into which things had +been allowed to pass, than the extreme licence which the Ojabberaways +were allowed to have. They had been given an inch and they had taken the +proverbial ell. A small tribe of people, headed by a small band of paid +patriots, who reaped a rich harvest out of the disaffection of their +countrymen, was allowed to obstruct all business and dictate to the +great Sea King or Buccaneer, what he was to do, and how and at what time +he was to do it. All this was the handiwork of Madam Liberty, who used +Dogvane and a few of his watch, to carry out her designs. + +Even Dogvane had said that he must be clothed with sufficient authority +to enable him to rule this obstreperous people, but Dogvane had veered +round a little; and under his protection the Ojabberaways had become a +perfect nuisance, doing very much as they liked. + +They gained their point, and with a wild yell, peculiar to their +country, and as blood curdling as the cry of the savage when his hand +grasps the scalp of an enemy, they came on. Some had on masks; some +carried blunderbusses, while others, under their coats, concealed the +dagger of the assassin, and the cartridge of the dynamitard. On they +came, dragging, with ropes round their necks, a lot of unfortunates +whose general bearing and appearance showed that they had seen better +days. These poor gentlemen--for gentlemen they were--had the misfortune +to own land in the green and fertile isle of the Ojabberaways, some +indeed had Ojabberaway blood in their veins; but they belonged to the +hated class called landlords, and their chief crime was, that owning +land, they expected their tenants to pay rents. + +No doubt, in the past, injuries had been done and very much injustice. +They may have been hard and even grinding, and even now there might be +some amongst them who were not a credit to their class; but that +scarcely justified a refusal to fulfil all legal contracts. Their +fathers no doubt did many wrongs, lived beyond their means, and ground, +in many cases, their tenants down, for there never was an Ojabberaway +who could live within his means. + +"What is our crime?" cried the captives; "what sins have we committed?" + +"What sins have ye committed?" cried the Ojabberaways, in turn. "It's +mighty short memories ye have, and eyesight too, for the matter of that. +What are your crimes? Have ye not ground the finest peasantry in the +world down under your feet? And if it was not you, then it was your +fathers, or your grandfathers, or your great grandfathers." They then +turned to the Buccaneer: "We want to be rid of these land-grabbers, +these blood-suckers." + +"What is your grievance against them?" the Buccaneer asked. + +"Our grievance! Grievance is it?" they replied. "By the Holy Powers, our +country is thick with them. Are we not a down-trodden race? Has not the +foot of the conqueror been upon our necks for ages past? It's a +forgetful memory that perhaps ye have?" + +"In the past," the Buccaneer said, "injury may have been done to you, +but ample amends have now been made; and I rule you with the same laws +as I do my other people. What more, in reason, can you ask?" + +"We want no laws of your making. We ask that the last link of the chain +that binds us to you may be broken. We demand our independence." + +Now one of the victims spoke: "We have our rights too," he said, +addressing the Buccaneer, "and we claim your protection. For many years +we have been your garrison and we are a law-abiding people. We have been +faithful and loyal to you; will you then see us dragged before you with +ropes round our necks, and with hands tied behind our backs? Is this to +be the reward of our loyalty? We ask for what is the birthright of the +meanest of your citizens, protection for our lives and for our own +property." + +Thus it went on, and ground that had been trodden over often and often +before, was trodden over again. The difficulty was now to get rid of +this section of the disaffected, for the members showed a disposition to +become squatters and take entire possession of the situation. But some +divinely-inspired individual raised the cry that there was a free fight +going on in an adjacent neighbourhood and so the difficulty was overcome +and the Ojabberaways disappeared as if by magic. + +The ladies now were ushered in, but again there was a slight delay +arising out of a dispute about a matter of precedence. A woman will +suffer almost any indignity rather than that of being put in a position +lower than that to which she thinks herself entitled, and it is probable +that in many cases a woman would rather go to the devil in her proper +place than to Heaven out of it. The matter was settled and Madam Liberty +ushered in Miss Progress. She was by no means attractive, and in her +dress she aped somewhat the man. She prided herself upon her +intelligence and looked with disdain upon things usually considered to +belong peculiarly to the female sex. This advanced lady showed none of +the modesty or timidity usually found in women. In a voice loud and +clear she said: "I claim for women equal rights with men. By brute force +we have been kept under and we now demand our freedom. Man has made us +his hewers of wood and his drawers of water; the cookers of his food and +the sewer on of his buttons and the nurser of his squalling brats. Is +woman never to rise superior to such a base position? Is she for ever to +be a slave, at man's beck and call? Away with such a thought! We demand +equal rights and equal voice in all matters, for we are man's equals, +and no longer will we live under laws made by man for the benefit of +man. We will board yonder ships. Our voice shall be heard in your +councils, and our voice shall ring out from your pulpits." + +This language was comprehensive and bold. Some amongst the grand company +gave signs of approval. Then a dead silence followed, which was broken +by the old cox'sn, who having first of all hitched up his trousers, +exclaimed: "Mates, I thank my stars that my lower rigging keeps up +without buttons." Just as Miss Progress was again going to begin, old +Jack cried out: "Vast heaving, my hearty!" This familiar language on the +part of a common sailor very much annoyed the lady, who, fixing her +spectacles full upon the cox'sn, asked him who he was. "I am not +surprised, miss, at your asking the question. Now, it's no use beating +about the bush, and as, miss, you wish to be on an equal footing with +man and to rub shoulder to shoulder with him in your daily life, you +must not be too tender-skinned, and you will not mind the plain language +of an honest sailor. You ask me who I am? I am Jack Commonsense, very +much at your service, miss, and with your permission I will return the +compliment and ask you a question. How about your lower rigging?" + +"My lower rigging," cried Miss Progress, "what does the vulgar fellow +mean?" + +"Well, miss," Jack replied, "petticoats are all very well in their way, +and many a brave and honest lad has run ashore on 'em before now and +become a total wreck; but petticoats do hamper a person a bit, and they +ain't the sort of things to go aloft in, in a gale of wind." + +"Who wants to go aloft, pray?" Miss Progress asked. + +"Well, miss," Jack answered; "you must take the rough with the smooth, +and if you are going to be man's equal, you must do your fair share of +man's work, and must not cry out if you lose your place in the social +order and in man's estimation. Some of you are even now crying out that +man does not treat you with the consideration that he used to. The fault +lies at your own door. Who is going to take all the blows and hard +knocks; and who is going to do all the fighting?" + +"Man, of course," replied Miss Progress, "it is his province, his +sphere." + +"But has not woman her sphere? But let that fly stick to the wall; duty +first and pleasure after. As to the fighting, miss; many people think +that that spirit is not altogether absent from the female breast. Many +go so far as to think that the apple which Eve gave to Adam was +flavoured strongly with discord. Never a row yet, so some say, that a +woman was not at the bottom of it. Put your helm down, miss, and go +about; you and your likes are on the wrong tack. No good ever came yet +from a crowing hen; and a maid that whistles ain't likely to be a credit +to her family." + +The Buccaneer complimented the cox'sn very much and hoped that his +language would find favour amongst the ladies. Many of the grand company +had dropped off to slumber; others were eagerly engaged in discussions +amongst themselves as to whether it would be a good party stroke to take +up the ladies. Many were for it and old Dogvane, it was thought, was +amongst the number. Miss Progress was by no means satisfied and declared +that woman's sphere was very much too narrow. The cox'sn, being +encouraged by his master's approval, attacked Miss Progress again in +good earnest. "Look'e here, miss," he cried, "your sphere is large +enough if you will only do your duty in it; but as is well-known a bad +workman always finds fault with his tools. If you try to be man's rival +in the world you will come off second best." Many thought that old Jack +would before long be in troubled waters; but he marched boldly on. +"Woman," he cried out, "has a noble sphere. Let her study to be a good +companion for man. Let her aim in life be to make his home comfortable, +and his children happy, useful, and good. That, my hearty, is a woman's +sphere." + +Miss Progress explained to the deaf ears of the grand company that she +was single, and the Buccaneer, by way of enlivening the proceedings, +asked his cox'sn if he would not take Miss Progress in marriage; but old +Jack declined with many thanks, and he told the lady in brutally plain +language that spinsters were likely to increase if many women followed +in her wake. Then speaking at the whole sex, through the lady before +him, he exclaimed: "Too many of you are gadders about, and are to be +found everywhere but in your own homes. A good, thrifty, cheerful, and +pleasant housewife is a thing of the past. Too many women in the lower +walks of life by neglecting their first duty, drive their husbands to +the fireside of the pot-house, and their children to their work-house." + +Other of the Buccaneer's women now came forward. One wanted to banish +vice from the streets by the strong arm of the law. She drew attention +to what she called the gross immorality of the age, and had she had her +way she would have shut up half the theatres, or turned them into +churches; and have burned most of the light literature of the day. +Perhaps this would have been no disadvantage. She also would have +dressed all the nude figures in the Buccaneer's several academies, +leaving nothing but her own bare shoulders of an evening to offend the +eyes of modesty. The female mind does at times go to strange extremes. +Another peculiarity of the Buccaneer's people was that most of the racy +light literature in his tight little island was written by the women, +and how they became so well acquainted with the shady side of human +nature was a mystery. But genius can explain all things. There is only +one thing to be said against driving vice from the streets by the strong +arm of the law. She is so very likely to find shelter in private +houses, when the purity of the domestic hearth would probably suffer. + +After this lady came another who wanted the Buccaneer to banish from his +realms all violent death. She said: "To furnish your idle sons with +sport, birds are slaughtered, and hares and foxes are cruelly chased to +death." + +"Young hounds must be blooded," the Buccaneer said. + +"Under the cloak of science," the lady continued, "animals are cruelly +tortured, under the inhuman plea that man is to benefit. Then men love +to see cocks spur each other to death, while dogs are allowed to fight +amongst themselves and worry cats in the public streets, without any +interference on the part of the brutal police." The lady finished up by +asking the Buccaneer to banish all violent death from the island, and +thus set a good example to the rest of the world. "Let the butcher die," +she cried, "rather than his innocent unoffending victims." + +All eyes were turned upon Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher of the +Starboard Watch, and many pitied him, and the cook who was a merry man, +said to his friend in a jesting manner: "Billy! old fellow, it was not +for nothing that you had that nervous attack in my galley, but cheer up, +you are not dead yet." + +The Buccaneer now began to talk the matter over with his trusty friend, +who said, "Well, yer honour, only speaking for myself, I don't like meat +that dies a natural death, though no doubt your butchers will be glad +enough to sell it. Indeed, some of them will do it now when they can." + +Here a pale-faced, solemn, and even miserable-looking man exclaimed: +"Why partake of animal food which brutalizes, when a bountiful +Providence has placed at your hand a vegetable kingdom? Eat, I would +say, of the crumbs that fall from the celestial pantry." + +Both the Buccaneer and his cox'sn declared that they did not see how +they were going to make a good square meal out of such a diet, upon +which the last speaker said: "If you must nourish your unrighteous +stomachs, you will find that lentils and even peacods are both pleasant +and sustaining." + +"What say you to this, Jack?" asked the Buccaneer. + +"Give him rope, yer honour, and before long he will come to the +thistles, and then we had better write ourselves down asses at once. If +we go on, on this tack, sir, there will be no such thing as getting a +chop, or a steak, or even a homely rasher for either love or money, and +the best thing for me to do is to turn to and dig my own grave. But +master, there is another thing that troubles me, though I scarcely like +to give vent to my thoughts before so goodly a company." Jack upon being +earnestly solicited to unburden himself by his master, said: "Well, sir, +it's this way. If we are to banish all violent death from this fair isle +of ours, what about the flea?" + +The allusion to this vulgar insect caused no little confusion in so +goodly an assembly, and a wave of irritation seemed to pass through the +whole crowd, affecting even the Lords Spiritual, and Miss Progress was +so put about by being kept in the back-ground, whilst so much good time +was being wasted upon so trivial a matter, that she exclaimed with +considerable warmth, "Perish the flea!" Upon this old Jack cried out to +the amusement of all, "There I am with you, miss; but first of all +you've got to catch him." + +The bold Buccaneer was extremely tickled, and his sides shook with +merriment, and of course every one joined in. So great was the mirth +that the whole noble structure was shaken to its very foundation, so +much so, that the old lion got up from his recumbent position, and +looked round in a terrified manner, and the cox'sn cried out as he +turned towards the company, "Vast heaving, my hearties! Clap a stopper +upon your laughing gear, and make all merriment fast." + +The shrill blast of a herald's trumpet now claimed the attention of all, +and the aggrieved women were dismissed with a promise that their case +should receive the consideration it deserved, and the probability of a +Royal Commission was hinted at, and with this they were obliged to be +satisfied. Again the shrill notes of a brazen trumpet pierced the air, +and silence unfolded her wings and hovered over the company. Now a +herald, gorgeously apparelled in cloth of gold, emblazoned back and +front in the customary fashion, entered upon the scene, and expectation +was all on tip-toe. + +"A messenger, a messenger, no doubt," cried Dogvane, "from his august +and most sable Majesty King Hokee with dispatches from the most noble +Bandit of the East." + +With much pomp and ceremony the herald advanced, carrying over his left +shoulder a spear, and in his right hand what looked like a battered +beaver hat, with the crown knocked out. Halting in front of the +Buccaneer, he exclaimed, after having made the usual obeisance, "Most +noble and illustrious Sea King, ruler of the universe, the holder of the +only key to Heaven, the redresser of wrongs, the chastiser of the evil +doer, and the terror of the oppressor, know that a little while since, +while yet the day was but a few hours old, two friendly factions of the +Ojabberaways met, and entered upon an argument apparently from opposite +premises, and this is the conclusion that they arrived at." With this he +stuck his spear into the battered beaver, for such it was, and raised it +up on high, for an admiring crowd to gaze upon. When curiosity was +satisfied a very high state official took charge of the interesting +relic, and it was conveyed with much ceremony to one of the Buccaneer's +principal museums. + +It must be owned that to sit and listen to the complaints of so many +people was trying to the patience of all; but the Buccaneer and his +family were well trained to this sort of thing, and even liked it. +Sunday after Sunday the uncrowned queen, Respectability, sent them all +to church, sometimes even twice. There they sat quietly under their +favourite pulpit, and listened without a murmur to their pastor, who +frequently either chided them as children, treated them as fools, or +eternally damned them all as incorrigible sinners. + +The upper ranks of the Buccaneer's people now came on and complained +that their heels were being kicked by those who came after them, and +that the respect that once was given to rank and social position was now +grudgingly bestowed, if indeed it was bestowed at all. The deputation +was presented with the proverb which the Buccaneer and his cox'sn had +picked up in their roving days on the Spanish Main, and they were +recommended to have it framed and hung up in some convenient place, +where their children might be able to look upon it. + +The Squire followed, and he again laid bare his numerous complaints; +said he could never remember the time when he was in such low water, for +he could get little or nothing out of his tenants, whilst his burdens +were more than he could bear. Scarcely had he finished speaking, when +his tenants appeared in a body, and declared, that owing to the foreign +cheap-Jacks underselling them, they could not get enough out of the land +to keep body and soul together, let alone money enough to pay their +landlord rents. Some of these tenants complained too, that the clergy +were too exacting, and made no abatement in their tithe charge; but +demanded the pound of flesh that was in their bond. + +This brought the clergy forward, and they declared that their claim was +the first charge upon the land, which was taken subject to the burden. +The pulpit produces the speaker, if it does nothing else. "Is it not in +our bond," they said, "that we shall have the tenth part of the yearly +increase arising from the profits of the land, the stock upon the land, +and the personal industry of those living upon the land, or a just +equivalent for these?" + +There was now a most learned discussion upon the origin and nature of +the tithe charge, all of which did little less than breed confusion. The +argument was taken up amongst the company. Some said that it began first +as a purely voluntary offering, but that long since a crafty priesthood +had fossilized it into a hard and fast legal right, which weighed +heavily upon the land in such hard times. The clergy said that it was on +account of the hardness of men's hearts that the offering had to be +legalized into a right. "If," they said, "the charge were left to the +free will of man, we should soon starve, for man would give nothing in +so selfish, degenerate, and worldly an age. The custom is sanctioned by +age and by Divine authority, for did not Abraham, when he spoiled the +five kings, give a tenth part of the spoils to Melchisedek?" No one +seemed bold enough to deny this, and the clergy finished up by saying +that as they were called upon to fulfil their obligations, so they must +call upon other people to fulfil theirs. + +This seemed but reasonable; but just as the Buccaneer was going to +deliver judgment, the poor clergy took the opportunity to come forward +and present their grievance, which was to the effect that they, and +their families, were in many cases in want. Upon being appealed to, the +High Priest and Lords Spiritual declared that it was so, and that it +reflected the greatest discredit upon the Buccaneer and all his people, +for it betokened a selfish hardness of heart that was most +unchristian-like. + +The poorer clergy were treated to a most excellent discourse upon the +beauties of poverty, which beauties, it would appear, that even the +clergy love best to contemplate at a distance, which in this, as in most +things else, lends enchantment to the view. It was pointed out to this +section of the disaffected, by those in spiritual authority, that Christ +Himself was a great advocate for poverty and condemned in no measured +terms the greed after riches; that all His early disciples were poor and +lowly, and that His religion was propagated by a band of holy, but +shoeless beggars. The poor clergy were bid to find comfort in this, and +walk in the path to which they had been called with a sanctified +humility. + +The old cox'sn now got himself into disgrace, for he turned round and +asked the preacher how he could reconcile the precept with the general +practice. How, if poverty was such a fine thing, the clergy did not +practise it themselves. The high ecclesiastics to whom Jack addressed +himself did not condescend to answer so impertinent a remark, but all +chance of Church preferment was for ever gone from the old cox'sn, and +it is even possible that if he then had died he would not have been +allowed Christian burial. + +"This difficulty," cried the Buccaneer, "can be easily overcome." Then +turning to his Lords Spiritual and other high church dignitaries, he +said, "While some on board of your ship, my lords, have too much, others +have too little of this world's wealth. A little while since some +amongst you preached a homily upon the beauties of poverty. All of you +follow the Master who said that it is easier for a camel to go through +the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, +and when that rich man is a priest, how doubly hard must be the task. +Therefore, I say to you, as I have said before, and in the language of +Him whom you profess to follow, 'sell all that you have and give it to +the poor,' or at least, share your riches amongst your poorer brethren." + +Now, when those in authority on board the old Church Hulk heard this +they were extremely sorrowful and sorely grieved, for many of them had +large incomes and other worldly possessions, while some had fashionable +and ambitious wives, and many had large families, and, as everyone +knows, it is hard enough to serve two masters, and next to impossible +when the masters are increased to many. + +The old cox'sn, who was of a pious turn, wondered what would happen if +Christ were to appear again upon earth and enter some one of the +Buccaneer's many temples where the perfumed flowers of his fashionable +society worshipped God, or, perhaps many gods, in all their pride and +splendour. Jack, however, kept his counsel. He was an humble individual +and it was not for him to meddle in such weighty matters. + +Close upon the heels of the Church came the Buccaneer's lawyers, and +true chips were these of the ancient block. The members of the Devil's +own, as they were called, complained that an interfering fellow on board +of the old Ship of State had called them brigands and other offensive +names. This they did not so much mind, but what they did object to was, +that busy bodies, instead of paying attention to their own business, +wanted to meddle with theirs, and by so doing, to curtail their +perquisites and cut down their fees. Of all the Buccaneer's trades and +professions, in no one was the principle of the parable before alluded +to more conspicuous than in his legal profession, the members of which +not only fleeced their sheep, but flayed them, whenever they had the +smallest opportunity. The estimation they were held in, even amongst the +Buccaneer's people, was shown by the fact that in all his works of +fiction, either on the stage or in novels, almost all the rogues were +provided by the legal profession. + +But the spirit of robbery to which allusion has been so frequently made, +was to be found even where it ought not to have existed. Many of the +Buccaneer's schools were presided over by members of his State Church +and many of his teachers were drawn from the same source. Now some of +these, in an underhand way, robbed the parents of the boys intrusted to +their charge, for they were paid extremely well, if not exorbitantly, to +educate their pupils, but in too many cases they taught them little or +nothing, and sent them home, into the bargain, to live a good portion of +the time at their parents' expense. Then at the end of what was by +courtesy called their academical career, the young birds were sent out +into the world veritable fledgelings as regards their knowledge, with +not feathers sufficient to cover the nakedness of their ignorance or to +fly in search of food. This is at the top of that scale at the bottom of +which lies the vulgar thief who breaks through and steals. + +After the lawyers came the doctors, who complained that people +apparently had little or no inclination to get ill. They declared there +seemed to be a selfish desire on the part of every one to keep the +time-honoured and much-trusted family doctor out in the cold, and if it +were not for the love which still kept a strong hold upon the people, to +over-eat and over-drink themselves, their profession would be but a poor +one, though in young children they still found some little support. +Whether the doctors robbed the people or not, could not very easily be +told as they rendered no details with their accounts. + +The next lot to appear, showed by their double chests and double chins +that they were no strangers to good living, and no doubt beneath their +capacious waistcoats lay the tail end of many a bottle of their master's +wine. These men complained that their masters had become so niggardly +and looked after things so closely themselves, that perquisites (by some +called plunder) were quite things of the glorious past, so that the +modest independence with the public house, the lodging house, or the +green-grocer's shop, was put so far away into the future as to come too +late, if it ever came at all. + +These much ill-used individuals had the same sad story to tell about +foreign competition. They declared people came over in crowds from their +neighbours and took the bread out of their mouths. Now came the women +servants, resplendent in their cheap finery, and with airs and graces +aped from their betters. Some of these quarrelled with some thing, some +with another, and one and all seemed considerably above their position, +being much too proud to work. + +Before dealing with these the Buccaneer ordered on the masters and +mistresses so that by hearing their side of the story he might be the +better able to judge. It was a sign of the times that the servants came +on first, and many believed that this merely was the finger post which +pointed to a state of things, when all would be changed and the classes +would be the humble and obedient slaves of the masses, when King Mob +would wield the sceptre over the Buccaneer's people. It, therefore, +behoved those interested to see that their future masters were properly +educated. + +The employers now declared that it was almost impossible to get good +servants. Not one would bear correction. They demanded high pay for +doing very little work, and grumbled at all times both at the quality +and the quantity of their food. They declared that the lower orders were +now so educated that all the girls preferred either to go into shops, or +into the school-room, and then the suffering upper classes were called +upon to support institutions to keep these spoilt children off the +streets. There was a general complaint too, that the stomachs of the +serving classes had become so dainty, that they turned up their noses at +what their betters were very well contented with, and there was a +general concurrence of opinion that, rather than put up with the +insolence, ignorance, and idleness of the Buccaneer's own people, +masters and mistresses would either do without servants altogether, or +employ foreigners, who were more industrious, very much more sober, and +quite as honest as the Buccaneer's people, while they did not go to +their local clubs or pot houses, and talk over their master's affairs, +and disclose to the vigilant burglar the whereabouts of their master's +silver. Nor were they in league with the local tradesmen to rob their +masters. + +"Away with you all," cried the Buccaneer, addressing the servants. He +was always ready to condemn peculation on such a scale as this. "Away +with you," he cried, "for you are all robbers in disguise. Speak to +them, Jack, and trounce them well with thy tongue." + +"Aye, aye, yer honour. 'Bout ship, my lads and lasses, before shame and +misfortune throw their grappling irons on board of you. You're heading +for the jail and the work-house, and before you lie poverty and misery. +'Bout ship, I say, before you find that hunger is the best sauce for a +proud stomach." + +This batch went away more dissatisfied than ever, and they declared that +the old coxswain's language was brutal in the extreme, and they swore +they would have nothing to do with such a fellow as that. They +determined to get some one of the ship's crew, who wanted some +opportunity to bring himself before the public, to take their case up, +and by putting a heavy tax upon foreign labour, give them greater +opportunities to be independent, more idle, and insolent. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII. + + +The Buccaneer thought that for a contented and prosperous people he had +his fair share of disaffection; but Liberty now ushered in a pale-faced +and solemn looking batch, who declared that drink was sending the +Buccaneer's people to the dogs and the devil. They carried in front of +them a banner on which was depicted a drunkard beating his wife, and +ill-using his starved children. On the reverse, there was the besotted +mother and the sober but miserable husband. This cheerless-looking lot, +upon whose features laughter-loving mirth never seemed to dwell, were +the total abstainers, who declared that nothing would save the Buccaneer +and his people, except they were all made sober by law. + +"Why, Jack!" cried the Buccaneer, turning to his friend, "one lot wants +to feed me on peacods, while another wants to drench me with water." + +But now a portly lot of red-faced, pimply-nosed publicans, whose +stomachs were as round as one of their own beer barrels, pushed their +way to the front, and swore that water was being the ruin of them. They +told the Buccaneer in plain and unmistakable language, that if his +people continued to walk in the paths of sobriety at the same rate at +which they were at present going, the source from which he derived no +little of his revenue would be completely dried up, and he would lose +millions of his yearly income, when his upper classes would have to bear +the burden of increased taxation. + +The Buccaneer always taxed his upper classes as much as ever he could. +Perhaps this was right. Besides, what was called the people, that +mighty, but barely defined force, did not like taxation, and therefore +they were exempted; but they had no prejudice otherwise against the +principle. + +The Buccaneer was touched, and after a moment's consideration he said, +"Why can't my subjects drink in moderation, and not make beasts of +themselves?" + +"Why not, indeed, sir?" answered the publicans. "A man in moderation can +take a good quantity of liquor and not hurt himself, and yet benefit the +trade and his country. We set our face against your habitual drunkard. +He is our enemy, because he gives in too soon. It is the steady drinker; +the man who is always at it, and yet who never gets himself into +difficulties, that is our friend." + +To lose millions a year. This was indeed a serious affair, and the +Buccaneer feared that those muddling water drinkers would do him +considerable harm. But there was a bright spot looming in the distance, +for had not his trusty Captain Dogvane told him that there was a heathen +nation with an immense population to be civilised? Of course it was +against his religious principles that he should place drunkenness within +easy reach of this people; but then, if at the same time he gave them +his Book, and rescued them from the devil, that would be a fair +exchange, and in all things human, there must be shortcomings; things +that one would willingly prevent if one could, but we cannot expect +perfection in this world, and we must therefore have recourse to that +most useful and necessary custom of winking at things we cannot help. It +is much to be regretted, that the heathen with civilisation will take to +strong liquors, as naturally apparently as a duck takes to water. But he +does, so there is an end of it. The Buccaneer now eased his conscience +by being extremely severe upon his publicans whom he read a sharp +lecture. He treated them in a most haughty manner, said they were a +demoralizing agency; a blot, a blemish, and a disgrace; but still he +took their money. He told them they had better take care of themselves. + +The publicans said that was the very thing of all others they would try +to do; but they added that the officers of the Buccaneer's Revenue were +so precious sharp, and were so much against them, and were down upon +them with such heavy penalties if they attempted to help their friends +the teetotallers, by watering their ales, and other strong drinks, that +virtue had no chance to be over-virtuous. They declared that the +licentious Revenue officers hovered over them like a lot of hungry +vultures; and with their meddlesome ways were doing an infinity of +mischief. + +The publicans were a mighty power in the Buccaneer's kingdom, and it is +to his credit that he rebuked them even as he did. He read them a +lecture, and having in his mind's eye the banner of the teetotallers he +pointed out to the delinquents the frightful consequences of drink. The +publicans were quite equal to the occasion, they said that there were +two sides to every question, and that the devil himself was not half as +black as he was painted. To this the Lords Spiritual took exception, and +they rose in a body and entered their protest against such a blasphemous +assertion. Of course this weighty matter could not be argued out at such +a time, or in such a place; but it was taken up on board the old Church +Hulk, and received there all the attention it deserved, and no doubt it +was the means of adding still more to the Buccaneer's numerous sects. + +Some were inclined to subject the devil to the fashionable process known +as white-washing. As every eminent blackguard in ancient, and up to a +certain time even in modern history, has undergone this treatment, there +is no reason why his satanic majesty should be left out in the cold. It +seems hard that the blackguard Judas should not have been favoured, but +perhaps some champion will yet arise to take up his cause. Does not the +Christian world owe him something? Would it have been saved from the +torments of hell, if Judas had not played the betrayer's part? The +publicans said there was a good deal of prejudice about drink. That +party feeling here, as elsewhere, ran extremely high, engendering very +much animosity, and thus a good deal of obloquy and unjust reproach was +heaped upon the head of the poor drunkard. They begged that the subject +might be approached in no mean or narrow spirit. They maintained that +the drunkard, if only a steady going drunkard, and a man of regular +habits, was a public benefactor. One who did his best through the means +of indirect taxation to swell the revenues of the State, and as a vast +number of the Buccaneer's people paid no direct taxes, the only way they +helped to keep up the dignity, the honour, the welfare, and the safety +of the empire was by getting as drunk as they could, as often as they +could. Indeed, looking at it from their point of view, the greater the +drunkard, the greater the benefactor he was to the community; he being a +man who sacrificed himself, and frequently his family, for the sake of +his country, as every good citizen should. If he broke down occasionally +under the burden of indirect taxation, he was an object more of pity +than of contempt. And if he beat his wife, and starved his children, +what then? The individual must at all times be sacrificed for the sake +of the general public. So eloquent were the publicans, and there was so +much force in what they said, that the Buccaneer began to waver. The +publicans seeing the good impression they had made, continued on in the +same direction, and pointed out that if the teetotallers set up the pump +and pulled down the pot-house, that not only would the great Buccaneer +lose his revenue, but that his people would assuredly become gourmands, +for that there never was a total abstainer who was not a large if not a +coarse feeder, and of the two, a drunkard, they declared, bad as he was, +was infinitely to be preferred to a glutton. + +The case was undoubtedly a serious one. Not one amongst the grand +company--not even Dogvane himself--would dare to give an opinion +directly against the publicans, such was their power in the island. The +Buccaneer was obliged to admit that the drunkard was a despicable +rascal, and the cause of very great misery; but then the public-houses +brought in such a very large revenue. + +There appeared to be only one way out of the difficulty and that was to +have recourse to a Royal Commission. This institution which has before +been mentioned, requires to be explained, for it was extremely useful to +the Buccaneer and got him out of many difficulties. It was a wonderful +institution and had many and various virtues. It was supposed to contain +a cure for every evil under the sun and to possess wonderful powers of +finding out ills and their several remedies; and it was supposed to have +a microscopic eye, and a bright intelligence, that shed a light into the +darkest holes and corners. At least, it was supposed to do all this. It +was a mysterious institution, having, indeed, some of the attributes of +the Inquisition. There was one thing about it that was evident to all. +It was extremely slow in its working, and perhaps in this lay no little +of its virtue, for anything that it took under its consideration faded +away from public view long before any conclusion was arrived at, and +thus it may be said that it squeezed all the life out of whatever it sat +upon, and then buried its victim in some official pigeon-hole, or other +tomb belonging to oblivion. + +What the publicans had said brought forward the butchers; but Billy +Cheeks had nothing to do with these. They declared they were doing +scarcely any business. They said that however true it might be, as a +general rule, about water-drinkers being large eaters, they saw no signs +of total abstinence in this respect amongst the people. They added that +what with foreign competition and the growing carefulness of +housekeepers, who kept far too sharp an eye upon their allies the cooks, +their profits were falling off every day. Then they pointed out that +their trade was being threatened by the vegetarians, who could stuff +themselves to repletion for about sixpence, or even less. Now a farmer, +who having heard what the butchers had said, declared butchers ought to +be making large fortunes, for that they charged the people quite double, +and sometimes more, than what they gave for the meat. This was quite +true, but then the butchers only acted upon that principle of robbery +which was to be detected in the breast of most of the trading +Buccaneers, and was all due, no doubt, to an old Sea King, or pirate, +having taken to business in his latter years, and the principle on which +he traded, namely, of turning his five talents into ten. + +The dispute between the burly farmer and the burly butcher seemed +likely to end in blows; but the vegetarians stepped in and acted as a +buffer. They declared that animal food was not at all necessary, and +that if men would only feed upon vegetables there would be no wars and +they would live longer and more intellectual lives. + +"If that comes to pass," said old Jack, "farewell to the lowing herds +and the bleating flocks, for man isn't going to keep these things to +look at, and a pretty flabby weak-kneed lot we shall be. Give me my chop +and toothsome steak, say I." + +Jack was told that he was very much behind the time and that science was +dead against him. This discussion was put an end to by the appearance of +the milkmen who complained that they had suffered considerably since +they had been stopped manufacturing their own cream, adulterating their +milk with water, and mixing fat with their butter. In fact, all the +tradesmen had the same story to tell, and cried out against the +stringent laws which ground them down to a rigid line of honesty. +Perquisites and peculation, they declared, were almost things of the +past, and they added that all this was strictly against the interests of +trade, and was not according to precedent. They wanted to know where the +Buccaneer would have been if, in his fine old Buccaneering days, he had +been so hampered. In conclusion they declared that a too rigid honesty +was not compatible with prosperity, and that though "honesty is the best +policy" is a capital text to put over your door, it is a bad principle +to practise behind the counter. They added that "_caveat emptor_" ought +to be the motive power between man and man in all his mercantile +transactions, and that idiots should be left to take care of themselves. + +This unprincipled language horrified the Buccaneer, who having long +since become wealthy, could now afford to be honest, virtuous, and +respectable. So he condemned, in no measured terms, these nefarious +adulterators, and would-be peculators. It is true that these tradesmen +were but chips of the ancient block; but that block had now been laid +aside, and was only produced on very great and state occasions, when the +magnitude of it quite overshadowed all the small chips that had been cut +from it, and the block was so highly polished that it looked altogether +beautiful and quite virtuous. + +But who are these men, who look like whitened sepulchres, that are +treading so closely upon the heels of the milkmen? + +These are the Buccaneer's bakers, who declared that nearly all the +Buccaneer's bread was made by foreign hands, who were literally taking +the very bread out of the mouths of the Buccaneer's own sons. + +The Buccaneer knew there was very great truth in this. But how was he to +remedy the evil? His was a free land and people ever had been allowed to +come and to go at their own pleasure; and to buy and sell, and to make +their money as best they could. Then the bakers had the same complaint +about the severity of the law, which kept so strict an eye upon them all +to the detriment of trade, that it was not safe to use any of the +substances so useful in adulterating bread, such as bean meal, rice +flour, potatoes and peas, indian corn, salt, and alum. Of course they +admitted that too much alum was not good for the human stomach, but that +was no business of theirs, and the human stomach could adapt itself to +all things, so wonderfully and marvellously was it made. + +The brewers next had their say, and declared that their ales and stouts +stood a chance of being washed out of the market by the light beverages +from the other side of the water, and that these and wishy-washy wines +were ruining their trade, and undermining the constitution of the +people. These malcontents declared that this was but the thin end of the +wedge which was eventually to cleave the Buccaneer's prosperity asunder. +It was by good strong brewed ales and beef that he had made himself what +he was, and unless John Barleycorn was reinstated they fully believed +that the Buccaneer would dwindle down to the mere shadow of his former +self. + +This oration met with general approval; for there were many who thought +that beer and beef produced good muscle, sound bodies, and healthy and +courageous minds; but a sickly smile played upon the features of the +teetotallers and vegetarians, who pitied all those whose minds were so +much clouded by ignorance. + +Now a general cry rose up from amongst the traders against the buyers, +who, it was said, were ruining trade by their co-operation, which, it +was declared, had taken all the gilt off their gingerbread. The strange +part of the thing was, that while the shop-keepers claimed the privilege +of combining together to fleece their customers they denied the latter +the right of combining together for their own protection. "How," they +asked, "were poor people to maintain their families, make a modest +competence, and support their public burdens, if the consumers +patronized co-operative stores?" They all declared that in days, +unhappily long since past, people lived quite as long as they did now, +if not longer. This they considered a conclusive proof that +adulteration, if conducted upon the principles of moderation, was not +detrimental to the coatings of the human stomach, which, they said, was +being ruined by the extreme care that was being taken of it, until +indeed there was a good chance of that pampered and petted member ruling +the whole body in a most tyrannical manner. The stomach had been made to +do certain work; then why relieve it of its responsibility? + +The tailors now advanced, and they also had their grievance; for they +declared that the atmosphere was so impregnated with honesty that their +cabbages were nothing like as fine as what they used to be; and they +made the same cry out against foreign competition. The shoemakers had +the same tale to tell. Behind these came the handmaids to fashion and +folly, who declared that their field of operation was becoming more and +more contracted, not on account of any falling off in the vanity of the +female sex, but on account of the cruel laws that had been passed to +guard the husbands against the extravagance of their wives. All this +they declared was extremely unjust and entirely against the interest of +trade. + +The honest Hodge family now came lumbering along, and each member +carried in his hands a halter of rope. The Buccaneer beheld them with +amazement, for he feared they were going to take a leaf out of the +Ojabberaways' book and make a prisoner of the poor old Squire. He was +relieved to find they had no such intention. The Hodge family were one +and all agriculturalists, but they declared that times were sadly out of +joint with them. They said they wished to make a prisoner of no one; but +they each of them had been promised a cow and a bit of land, by a +gentleman they saw amongst the grand company, and they had brought the +bit of rope to lead their beast back. "Hodge," cried the Buccaneer, +"your bed may not be one of roses; but your condition has wonderfully +improved. Your wages in the last fifty years have been doubled, and so +have your comforts. You ever have had the reputation of being an honest +fellow, willing to earn by the sweat of your brow a living; keep in the +same track. Remember promises are made of pie crust, and take care, my +honest fellow, that designing people neither make a tool nor a fool of +you." Hodge scratched his head to try by gentle irritation to conjure +his brain into such a state of activity that he might understand the +situation, but he found no relief, and had to go away muttering to +himself that "summut must be wrong somewhere." + +A complete damper was now put upon the whole of the proceedings, by the +appearance of a most melancholy and miserable-looking body of men. On +their faces woe, deep woe, sat enthroned, and their dress bore testimony +to the depth of their sorrow. This mournful section of the disaffected +could scarcely speak for emotion. It was a deputation from the +undertakers, who declared that unless something was done to revive and +encourage their drooping trade, they would all have to throw themselves +upon the community by entering the work-house. They said their business +was not what it had been or what it ought to be. Though perhaps they did +not suffer as much as other traders from foreign competition, people +still having sufficient respect for themselves to wish to be buried in +home-made coffins, yet the general depression, but more especially that +which bore so heavily upon their worthy friends, the publicans, bid fair +to ruin them. Indeed, they saw little before them but their own +tenantless coffins. Then they said that buryings had so fallen off that +little or no margin for profit was left, for not only had they decreased +in number, but also considerably in quality. People, they declared, +seemed to take more care of themselves than they used to; eating less, +and drinking less; consequently living longer. Then when they died they +generally left behind them strictly economical and even niggardly +instructions, and worse still, relations who were mean enough to carry +them out. They said all this was against the interests of trade, and +ought to be put a stop to. All hired grief, they declared, was a drug +upon the market. The nodding funereal plumes were fast vanishing. The +pensive, sorrow-faced, and red-nosed mute, they declared, would soon be +a being of the past, and would only live in the pages of history, unless +some fresh life was put into him by more frequent deaths, and more +decent and expensive funerals. They said that the money now spent upon +floral decorations, which in a few hours were crushed under the earth, +if they did not find their way to the grave-digger's cottage, would keep +a mute in drink and his wife and family in bread for many weeks, and +they declared that such sinful waste ought to be put down by the strong +arm of the law. It was a pity, they said, that such a hardness of heart +had seized upon the Buccaneer's people, for that now the circumstances +of the deceased could no longer be told by the funeral obsequies, and +that now many a great, and even rich man, went to his last resting-place +with no more pomp, than if he had been one of mean degree. A few widows +perhaps, whose hearts were stricken with remorse for the lives they had +led their husbands, and out of gratitude for the comfortable +circumstances they had been left in, still showed liberality, but the +number, though respectable, was not more than sufficient to give a small +flicker to the dying lamp of their prosperity. + +With eyes brimful of tears, they declared that their old friends, the +doctors, were deserting them, for they did not now kill half the people +they used to, and there seemed to be a selfish desire on all sides to +cheat the grave, and consequently to injure the undertakers. + +Then they declared that science was doing an infinity of harm by poking +its nose into every offensive smell it came across, by trapping drains, +emptying, and forbidding cesspools, and finding sanitary preventions for +nearly every disease. This, they declared, was violating one of the +Buccaneer's most cherished principles, namely, the liberty of the +subject. They further said that their trade now, owing to the doctors, +science, and the spread of education, which was an enemy to dirt and +drains, seldom, if ever, received a fillip from the friendly hand of an +epidemic. As the absence of outdoor, and indoor, parish relief was an +index to the prosperity of the country, so they declared that the +falling off even in pauper funerals bore ample testimony to their +languishing trade. + +Thus ended this funeral oration, and it had such an effect upon the +Buccaneer that what little spirits he commenced the day with had +completely vanished. It seemed to him that each hour brought before him +a sadder picture, and he called for the captain of his watch, for he +wanted to ask him how he could reconcile what he had said about the +general happiness, and prosperity of his people, with this long list of +disaffection. But old Dogvane was not to be found. Some said he had only +just gone round the corner for a few minutes, while others said he was +on duty on board of the old Ship of State. + +After a little consideration the Buccaneer made known to the undertakers +how deeply he was grieved at their sad story, "But," he added, "in such +things it is not well to act with indecent haste, lest some greater +injury should be done. So grave do I consider the matter you have +brought before me that I promise you a Royal Commission." + +With voices quivering with emotion the undertakers thanked their august +master for his extreme consideration, and most gracious condescension, +and they said they felt sure that if their case was only laid before a +Royal Commission it would certainly not be prejudiced by any undue, or +indecent haste. + +But now there was a great commotion going on in the crowd, and two angry +women were heard abusing each other like the proverbial fish-fags. The +one was called Fair Trade, the other Free Trade. These two had had a +quarrel of long standing, and they never met that they did not exchange +compliments. Each carried baskets, in which were various articles of +merchandise. They seemed now to have a strong inclination to tear each +other to pieces, and their shrill voices were heard for a considerable +distance, and forced themselves upon the ears of the grand company. + +"If I had my way," cried the one known as Fair Trade, "I would tear all +that cheap finery of yours off your back." + +"Yes," exclaimed the other, "and stick it upon your own. That costly, +but sober looking homespun of yours needs something to set it off," so +said Free Trade, who held up before the eyes of the people her cheap +wares. + +"Buy my home-made loaf," cried Fair Trade. + +"Buy mine at half the price," cried Free Trade. + +"Better give me double for mine," exclaimed Fair Trade, "than deal with +that woman. She is bringing ruin upon us with her cheap trash. Through +her our cornfields lie fallow. Through her our industries languish, and +some even have passed away from us. Through her our country has been +filled with idle hands, and the wolf of want has been brought to many a +door." + +"They don't seem to have settled their dispute yet, Jack," the Buccaneer +said. + +"No, sir. A few years since and nothing would do but you must lie the +old bluff-bowed ship Protection up, and now some of them are always +casting longing eyes at her, and their sighs of regret would fill the +sails of a Seventy-Four." + +"What!" cried the Buccaneer, in dismay, as he saw Poverty with her large +family of ragged and half-starved children now come on to the scene. +"You here again. Why I am constantly doing something for you, and my +Great Hat is forever being sent round." + +"And still I want," said Poverty. + +"I have built you model dwellings. I have ordered all your drains to be +trapped; your cesspools cleaned, and your dustbins emptied; and all your +children I insist upon being sent to school, so that they may learn the +efficacy of comfort and cleanliness, and learn to bear with patience +their many sufferings." + +"But I ask for food," persisted Poverty. + +The Buccaneer now said, "I give you, my good woman, the very best of all +food, namely, food for the mind." + +But Poverty answered, "Why turn the lamp of knowledge into my hovel? Why +teach me that while others have plenty, I am in rags, cold, and hungry. +Knowledge on an empty stomach is a dangerous thing. To open my eyes is +the refinement of cruelty, for ignorance, at least, dulls the edge of +misery. If you cannot fill my stomach and patch up the rents in my +clothes, then in pity kill me. Send me to a lethal chamber and let me +revel for a brief moment in the luxury of one good meal, and let me pass +into eternity without the pinching pangs of hunger." + +This language shocked every one, and the feeling was still more +increased, when Pity, who was standing not far off weeping, said, +"Mother, if you cannot feed this poor woman and her many children; if +you have no room for them, then for my sake take them to thy bosom, +close their eyes, and hush them to sleep in everlasting slumber." + +Poverty was chided in a gentle tone by the Buccaneer's High Church +dignitaries there assembled, and prayers were said for her, and she was +told that though she received stripes and lashes here, in the next world +she would be rewarded, and she was bid to fix her gaze upon that region +which lies beyond the grave, where the bright star of Hope is forever +shining, and where there is neither hunger, cold, nor thirst. + +Just as all sympathy was enlisted on the side of this poor woman a +circumstance happened that changed the whole current of feeling. +Suddenly a cry rose up of "Stop, thief." It was now found that while all +interests were centred upon Poverty, one of her children, seeing the +opportunity, slipped round, and getting unobserved upon the platform, +had crawled along, in a most irreverent manner, under the legs of the +Lords Spiritual, and being totally uninfluenced by the atmosphere of +sanctity in which he moved, the young rascal had slipped his hand into +the capacious pocket of the Buccaneer, and had taken therefrom ever so +much gold and silver, while the old coxswain was found to have lost his +best silk bandana. + +This bold act of robbery caused a great commotion, and extreme +indignation, and in trying to catch the thief, Poverty was entirely +forgotten, for, of course, crime in a community is a much more serious +thing than any amount of want, though one is frequently but the +offspring of the other. + +So indignant was the Buccaneer at this gross act of ingratitude, that +directly he regained his composure, he read Poverty a lecture and told +her she ought to be ashamed of herself, and that unless she took better +care of her children they would be sure to fall into either the jailer's +or the hangman's hands. "No wonder," he said, "that misery darkens your +doors, and hunger pinches your children's stomachs. Away with you," he +cried, "and learn to be honest, thrifty, industrious, and sober, for God +alone helps those who help themselves." + +There was a twinkle in the old coxswain's eye. He was labouring, like a +ship in a gale of wind, under the influence of a joke. A joke is of such +a nature that the owner of it cannot keep it in. Like murder it will +out. "Master," he said, "your doctrine is a little dangerous. You scold +Poverty one moment for what you bid her do the next." + +"How so?" + +"Why did not her young brat help himself to my bandana and to your +superfluous cash?" + +The expression on the Buccaneer's face at thus being trifled with, was +such that old Jack, to make use of sea-faring language, bore away, and +mixed amongst the crowd, just as another great hubbub arose from the +regions of the disaffected. The grand court was broken up by Demos, who +having collected as many as he could of the discontented had raised his +standard again and was for enthroning King Mob in the Buccaneer's chair +of State. With wild shouts and with flourishes of sticks and other +improvised weapons, he came on and demanded a hearing, and many thought +there would be just such another to-do as when the old cox'sn so +gallantly defended the gorge and regained possession of the Place of +Discord. + +Demos now in the attitude more of a dictator than a supplicant, demanded +of the Buccaneer that capital should be confiscated and divided amongst +the people. That luxury should be banished. That all should be made to +work for a living and that the hours of labour should be defined, +limited, and enforced by law. "By nature," he said, "all are equal, and +in the sight of God there is no such thing as class distinction. Every +person born is born to an inheritance, and that is a right to live." +Demos declared that all property must be common, and all human drones +destroyed. He raised the old cry of equality, which history and even +nature has proved to be an impossibility. + +When the crowd heard the words of Demos there was a great shouting and +clapping of hands. This comprehensive scheme somewhat frightened the +upper layer of the Buccaneer's society; some of whom declared that Demos +had foreign blood in his veins; that he was an alien. But Demos cried +out, "No alien am I. I am as much your child as those who sit enthroned +in high places. They toil not, neither do they spin, but live by the +labour of other people. It is against the vampire capital, that I wage +my war. That bloodsucker, which feeds upon the industries of your poorer +children, who have built up for you your present greatness by the sweat +of their brows and by the blood of their bodies." + +"And would you, my lad, from sheer envy and hatred," cried the +Buccaneer, "pull down in one day what it has taken me so many years of +toil to build up? From what babbling brook have you drunk in your +principles?" + +"From no babbling brook," Demos exclaimed, "but from that deep spring +which has been handed down to us from ages past. Did not the Great +Master, whom yonder old Church Hulk professes to follow, teach us that +all men before God are equal, and that all property should be held in +common." + +Here the High Priest of the Buccaneer rose up and said, "Our Great +Master never, by either word or deed taught, or even sanctioned, +robbery. On the contrary, He enjoined every man to be contented with +that which he had; not to covet other men's goods. He said, give, but +never take. But you are not the first who has tried to distort the +Scriptures to serve your own selfish ends." + +"Is it not written," said Demos, "him that taketh thy cloak forbid not +to take thy coat also?" + +"That neither sanctions nor justifies the confiscation," replied the +High Priest. "Is it not also written that the things belonging to Caesar +shall be given to Caesar?" + +"But who is Caesar?" cried Demos. "I am no longer a boy now, to be petted +and cajoled, and to be bought over by sweetmeats or a piece of cake. I +have a freeman's limbs, give me then a freeman's rights." + +It is not to be supposed that on so great an occasion the Buccaneer's +old coxswain, Jack Commonsense, was going to remain silent, so he said, +as he shoved himself to the front, for he had lost his place in the +confusion brought about by the act of robbery on the part of one of +Poverty's children. "Master!" he cried, "I am on in this scene. What +rights, my lad," he said addressing Demos, "do you claim that you have +not got, except the right of putting your hands into other people's +pockets; just because your own happen to be empty or not too full? This +is a robbing of Peter to pay Paul, with a vengeance." + +"Who are you," said Demos, "that you should make yourself a judge over +us?" + +"Who am I?" quoth the coxswain. "Who am I, forsooth! It is a pity, my +lad, you should have to ask the question; but there; memories the likes +o' yours are always short; who am I, indeed! why I am Jack Commonsense, +very much at your service, my lad, and cox'sn to the honest rover." +Suddenly correcting himself, he said, as he lifted his tarpaulin in +token of respect, "that is to say, Sea King, that ever ploughed the +briny ocean. I have stood by my master, my lad, in fair weather and in +foul, and when the stormy winds have blown, and the dark rocks and +savage cliffs of danger have been upon our lee, oftentimes I have seized +the helm and steered my master clear, and damme, if I will desert him +now. Now listen, my lad, and all you whom it may concern, while I spin +you a yarn that I picked up on the Spanish Main, ages ago. We picked up +many things there, master, did we not? Dubloons and other treasures. But +here's my yarn. Once upon a time, a man had five sons, and when he was +dying he called them round him, and gave to each a fair share of his +property, and told them to act to each other as he had acted towards +them, and to have all things in common amongst themselves. But one, my +lad, so the story goes, d'ye see, was a spendthrift, another was a wine +bibber, while another was a glutton; the fourth was a seeker after +pleasure, while the fifth was a hard working industrious and sober man. +The four first named would do anything but work, and they each gave away +their birthright to the fifth; the one for this thing, according to his +want, the other for that, until at length the fifth son had possession +of the whole patrimony; would you, my lad, were you in his place, +divide, and go on dividing amongst your ne'er-do-well brothers to all +eternity? Not you, or you are a greater fool than I take you to be. +Where then is your community of property? Then as to your equality. That +won't wash, my mates. There is no such thing as equality, for one is +strong, another weak; one is swift of foot, another slow, while one has +more brains than another. Why the hides of asses ain't all of a +thickness, and the stick that reaches one, won't touch another; but let +that fly stick to the wall, even among thieves and such like vermin, +there is no equality, the strongest always getting the lion's share. +Take all our master has, and lay it out before you; feast your eyes upon +it; gloat over it, and then begin to divide it equally amongst +yourselves, and you will be at each other's throats before you know +where you are; so much for your brotherly love. Then, my mates, before +you commence pulling down, you ought to decide upon what sort of a +commonplace hovel you are going to build up. But the first thing you +ought to do, is to turn out all the blackguards belonging to our +neighbours, for we have enough of our own, and whatever right you think +you may have to other people's property, foreign rapscallions can have +none, and if you allow them to cry shares, you will be robbing your own +honest selves. Trade will languish and die out, for there will be no +security for earnings, and no emulation. Ambition, that mighty lever to +human actions, will succumb. Farewell too, to art; and science even +will flag for want of nourishment. As luxury is to be banished in our +earthly paradise, all carriages will be put down, and all the hands +employed in connection with them, will be thrown upon the market. The +horses will have to be turned out to grass, and live a life of indolent +ease, until they vanish from the land or are turned to a different use, +for nature has decreed that nothing useless shall last. The vanities and +even the luxuries of the rich furnish thousands of deserving mouths with +their daily food; but all this will have to be stopped, and God alone +knows who will benefit. Then I suppose you will occupy the palaces of +the rich, as long as they stand, by people of one common level of social +standing, and we shall sink into a nation of flats. Let that fly also +stick to the wall. Then as no new mansions will be built, for want of +wealth, the builders' trade will suffer, and more idle hands will be +thrown on the community. Enterprise will die and one trade after another +will go, and then farewell to all. The great Sea King upon whose vast +empire the sun never sets; the mighty trader, the great pioneer of +civilisation; he whose footprints are to be seen in every part of the +universe will sink, unremembered unrespected, and unregretted into the +silent tomb of the past and some stronger, and wiser people will take +his place. + +"Master!" cried the cox'sn turning to the bold Buccaneer, who listened +with wonder to old Jack's long-winded harangue. "Master!" he cried, +"this Demos is but a boy amongst us yet; he is a young colt that must be +neatly bitted and ridden on the curb, or he will of a surety bolt and +fling his rider into the ditch as his forebears have done before him." + +Just as things were looking at their worst, the sound of music came over +the water from the old Ship of State. It was Pepper, the cheery little +cook, the foster father of Demos, playing a tune upon his barrel organ. +The strains had a mellowing and soothing influence upon the whole +company, and so what at one time bid fair to take a serious turn passed +off quietly, and so ends the longest if not the dullest chapter in this +eventful history. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII. + + +The event recorded in the last chapter brought the grand court to a +somewhat premature but fortunate conclusion. Though many grievances were +made known, it is not recorded that a single one was remedied or +redressed, and this perhaps was quite according to precedent. + +Dogvane did not see the grand court out; but for reasons of his own, he +slipped away and hastened on board of the old Ship of State, where also +he found most of his watch; for as the saying is, they seemed to have +smelt a rat. He called his merry men on deck. "Mates," he said, "my +glass is falling; so likely enough we shall have a strong breeze blowing +off shore before long, therefore haul all taught, make all snug, and +look out for squalls." + +The doughty cook now spoke up, like the bold and clever man that he was. +"Captain," he said, "if so be that we are going to have foul weather, +why not lighten the ship at once? Chuck over board a couple of dukes, or +a brace of earls, or a score or so of common ordinary lords, and the old +ship will ride through the storm all the better." It was wonderful, what +a dislike Pepper had for the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber, and the people +said there must be more in it than appeared on the face of things. +Nothing the cook would have liked better than to have pickled the whole +lot, when the brine would not have been wanting in strength; Billy +Cheeks the burly butcher would no doubt have done all the preliminary +business with pleasure, for he also had his eye upon the Buccaneer's +bloated aristocracy. All this was very strange, for Billy, it was said, +had the very best of blood in his veins. + +Many thought that beneath the modest bearing of the cook, there lurked +a great ambition, which was no other than to put on old Dogvane's cloak, +boots, and collars when nature called that worthy old salt away. + +When the cook suggested the lightening of the old ship, Chips the +carpenter raised his axe and took up a position beside the hawser that +bound the Church Hulk to the Ship of State. The butcher also drew his +large knife and felt its edge, for he had quite regained his nerves, and +was ready for anything. Old Dogvane smiled approvingly upon their ready +zeal; but said, "Steady, my lads, steady. All in good time. No occasion +to jettison any of our cargo yet, however useless it may be. You, Billy, +who have some smattering of legal knowledge, can explain the meaning of +the term. But again, my lads, I ask you, how you came to set that old +church drum a beating? The solemn sound as you know will at all times +awaken the slumbering feelings of our master. Besides, I myself am +considerably affected by it. I should not see that old craft cut adrift +without a pang. But see what it has done. It has thoroughly roused our +master, and it has raised more devils than we probably shall be able to +lay. It's ill to waken sleeping dogs, so says the proverb. The old +Squire too is on the tramp, and our master is now for poking his nose +into everything. The paint brush, my lads, the paint brush, is at most +times better than either the hammer, or the chisel. No offence to your +mate, Master Chips." It now came out that Chisel was still ashore, and +absent without leave, and many thought he would not come out of it with +anything less than a general court martial. + +The carpenter now showed a spirit of mutiny that surprised all, and +shocked both the cook and the butcher, his, at one time, friends. + +"Captain!" he exclaimed, "I've served with you now for many a day, and +I've served you well; but the time has come when every honest man should +speak his mind. It is all very well for you to put all the blame upon +our backs, but let every one bear his own burden. Why did you try the +old dodge of throwing dust in our master's eyes? You know he is getting +quite accustomed to that sort of thing and can see through it. Why did +you tell him all those cock-and-bull stories about contentment, and all +that kind of stuff, and induce the old gentleman to hold the Grand +Court? Then why did you take him abroad? This it is that has raised all +the dust." + +"Well, Chips, my lad," cried the old captain, as he dashed a tear from +his eye. "This comes hard, very hard from you. For you to turn upon me, +cuts me to the very quick. Under the shadow of my wing, you have risen +from a low position on board this old craft, to one of great +consideration. There was much more in store for you, for I might, in +time, have persuaded my master to make either a general or an admiral of +you, or you may indeed have risen to be steward of his household. Only +that I have a son myself who is the joy of my old age, and the very +apple of my eye, and more to me than ever Joseph was to Jacob, it is +possible that when I pass away my cloak would have fallen upon your +shoulders." + +The cook gave the butcher a look and the butcher's breathing became +laboured under the weight of suppressed feeling. Old Dogvane continued +his address to the carpenter: "Why did I throw dust in the old man's +eyes? I am surprised that such a clever lad as you should ask such a +simple question. Is it not a time-honoured custom? Have not both the +watches done it for ages past? The only error I made was that the dust +was not thick enough, and the old man saw through it, and there lies my +mistake." + +The carpenter was going to answer the captain, for his mutinous spirit +was getting the better of him, but the cook seized the carpenter and led +him away. + +Presently the old Buccaneer was seen slowly walking down to the beach +and he was pestered on every side by a swarm of cheap-Jacks of every +nation. They hung about him, and as the saying is, they nearly bothered +the life out of him. The poor old gentleman seemed to have suffered +considerably from recent events, and the sickness of his heart was +beginning to pray upon his body. With feeble steps he laboured along and +hailed the old Ship of State, but his voice wanted the cheery ring of +old. + +"Away with you, my lads," cried Dogvane, who heard the Buccaneer's call. +"Clear the decks, and each one to his post. Away, and leave the matter +in my hands. I will below and look over the chart of public affairs and +I will shape a course that will take us out of our difficulties or my +name is not William Dogvane. I see the old gentleman has not his +busy-body of a coxswain with him, so much the better for my plan. I +never could hit it off with that party. Away, my lads, to your posts." + +Each one did as he was told, though the carpenter grumbled; but the cook +said to him: "Since when, my mate, have you learnt to change your tune?" + +"That barrel organ of yours, Master Pepper, may grind away at the same +old tune for ever for all I care; but I have my sticking point," said +the carpenter. "At any rate I don't shilly-shally about things like old +Dogvane does; but I speak out my mind like every honest man should; and +look you, my little Pepper, I'm not going to be monkey-led by any man." + +"Say you so," replied the cook. "That is a pity; I want a monkey for my +organ, and no doubt, you would dance as well as any other." + +"Not to your piping, my lad, so stow that. There is a time for all +things, Master Pepper. Your jokes and jests are well enough upon a full +stomach of contentment, but now they sound flat and feeble. Were I a man +easily moved to mirth I might laugh perhaps to-morrow. Look you now! If +our little game had come off old William would have been with us heart +and soul and then the old fox would have set all sail before a full +blast of public opinion, and have taken all credit to himself. But let +the wind be doubtful, and he is for ever trimming as if his ship were in +a constant sea of doldrums; and what is more, Pepper, he is not above +flinging a messmate overboard if it suits his purpose. I'm weary, my +lad, of the company I am sailing in." + +"Ship of State ahoy!" came from the shore, and interrupted the +carpenter's grumblings. A slight breeze came off the land and shook the +shrouds. "Make all taught," cried old Dogvane, "and pipe the pinnace +away. I see the cox'sn has put in an appearance after all. I wonder what +the devil he wants. I begin to think he is an office-seeker and a +place-hunter like the rest of the world." Having said this, Dogvane +disappeared below. + +Presently the old Buccaneer appeared on board. Not a soul was to be +seen. "What!" he cried; "no one on deck. What ho! below there!" + +No answer came. He passed by the cook's galley as he went to take a look +forward. The cook could be heard reading out the following receipt: +"Take one reputation of good social position and pull well to pieces, +add one pound of garbage, two ounces of gall and one quart of vinegar, +season well with salt and pepper, stew, stir and skim, and serve up when +ready." + +"A savoury dish that, Master Jack," said the Buccaneer to his coxswain, +who replied that at such things the cook of the Starboard Watch had not +an equal, and at a dish of scandal he could scarcely be beaten. The +Buccaneer, having taken a turn round, came to the after part of the +ship, and there he saw old Dogvane with his head just above the after +companionway. "Who calls?" he asked in the most innocent manner +possible. + +"Who calls!" cried the Buccaneer, "and is this the way you look after my +affairs? not a soul on deck!" + +"Not a soul on deck, sir!" exclaimed Dogvane, in surprise; "then +everyone must of a certainty be below." By this time many of the crew +had put in an appearance and were busy working away at their respective +duties. Chips, having got the better of his fit of ill temper, sang as +he worked the following song: + + "My mate is ashore in tow of a lass, + Cock-a-doodle, + A right clever fellow turned into an ass, + Cock-a-doodle, + He's tied by the leg with a petticoat string, + Cock-a-doodle, + And never again will his cheery voice sing, + Cock-a-doodle." + +The look-out man aloft being awakened, no doubt, by the voice of the +carpenter, sang out: "All's well." This was official, and Dogvane looked +upon it as a good sign. "Your ever watchful man aloft, sir, tells you +that all is well; we must perforce believe him, for he is a creditable +witness." + +"All's well, indeed!" exclaimed the Buccaneer. "What do you mean by +telling me that all is well? Are you, Master Dogvane, a knave or a fool; +or do you take me to be either the one or the other?" + +"God forbid, sir, that I should make so grievous a mistake," replied +Dogvane, with humility. + +"What did you mean by telling me that my foreign relations were all +good, and that my people at home were prosperous and contented?" + +"Did I say so much, master? It is on my memory that I did not go so far; +I may have said that they ought to be contented. There lies the +difference." + +"Why, there is not a profession or trade, or even class that is not +crying out. My very women are rising in open rebellion. What say you to +this?" + +"It is passing strange, sir, and only adds one more proof, if it were +necessary, of the extreme ingratitude of human nature. There is scarce a +thing that we do not take into consideration, and so great is our +concern for your welfare that we try to legislate for all your simplest +needs, and in time we hope that everything will work with clock-like +regularity, and if a man gets drunk even, it shall be by Act of +Parliament." + +"Pray, sir," asked the Buccaneer, "what business had you below on such +an occasion as this?" + +"Sir," Dogvane replied, "I was occupied with matters of the gravest +importance; something that touches closely upon my master's honour. +Master, master," he suddenly cried in an ecstasy of delight, "what think +you? I have glorious news; glorious news for you." + +"Glorious news! then out with it, man, for I need something to raise my +spirits." + +"Sir," cried Dogvane, rubbing his hands with glee. "What think you; I +have a concession." + +"A concession, man! A concession! that is news indeed. Do you hear, +Jack, our honest Dogvane has a concession." The old cox'sn kept his +silence; but the Buccaneer was highly pleased for it was now more his +custom to grant concessions than to receive them. There was scarcely a +neighbour, or foreign relation, no matter however small, who had not got +something out of the old man in recent years. At one time he used to +thrash his enemy first, and then grant him a concession perhaps, +afterwards, and this line of action had its advantages, and in the +long-run saved very much time, trouble, bloodshed, and money. The news +of the concession brought back the blood to the old Buccaneer's jolly +round face, which regularly beamed with enthusiasm. + +"Ah! Dogvane," he said, "after all you have served me well, and no +matter how you may be reviled you have proved yourself a faithful +servant. And so you have a concession!" Then an idea seemed suddenly to +strike him, for turning an anxious look upon old Dogvane, he exclaimed, +"Stay! Is it a good concession; one worthy of a Sea King? It is not from +the Calf of Man is it?" Dogvane shook his head. "Nor from either Jersey, +Guernsey, Alderney, or Sark?" Dogvane again shook his head. "Has the +Egyptian gipsy sent an apology and withdrawn her curse?" + +"My master is wide of the mark," said Dogvane with a smile of +satisfaction. + +"Well, if the concession comes from neither of these quarters, Master +Dogvane, I know not where to look. Stay though. Have the Ojabberaways +sent an apology for all their abusive language and unseemly conduct?" + +"Not within striking distance yet, sir. Some time since, my master, you +were anxious to show our trusty friend here, Jack Commonsense, some mark +of your great favour. The matter is not without its difficulties; but +still it may be accomplished. Now, if your trusty cox'sn, who is an +excellent sailor, no doubt, though deemed for some unknown reason +common, has any royal blood in his veins, we can with the stroke of a +pen make either an Admiral of him, or a Field-Marshal, or even a Bishop. +Then again, if he were only a rich brewer, or a successful trader of any +description, or a supporter through thick and thin of our Starboard +Watch, we could at once make him a lord of high degree." + +"What has this to do, Master Dogvane, with the concession? Why, in the +devil's name, do you torment me? Have concessions been of such frequent +occurrence in recent years that I can thus afford to dally with them? +Speak out, or I will drag that unruly tongue of yours from its roots." + +Dogvane, seeing that further trifling would be dangerous, said, "Do you +remember, sir, that little dispute we had with the great Bandit of the +East upon a small matter of a boundary?" + +"Yes, yes, I remember, go on." + +"And no doubt you also remember my extreme regret that we had not with +us that energetic young wasp, Random Jack, so that we might have either +bumped him on the boundary, or whipped him on the breech." + +"What has all this to do with it? Your enemies say that you are little +better than a wind-bag, and I verily believe they are not far wrong. Has +the Eastern Bandit made a concession? Come, yea or nay." + +"No other." + +"Honest Dogvane, your hand. This is indeed glorious news. So you have +brought the mighty Bruin to his senses, and he has knuckled down to the +Lion. But go on, Dogvane, the concession." + +"If you remember, sir, we placed the matter in the hands of our faithful +friend and ally, King Hokeepokeewonkeefum, his august majesty of the +Cannibal Islands." + +"I remember, man; but that part of the transaction does not give me the +satisfaction that perhaps it ought. The concession." + +"Still the same old prejudice against colour? but no matter. As--" + +"What the devil is in the man! Are we never coming to the concession? +Where is this concession? Out with it, or, by my soul, I will lay my +stick across your back." + +Dogvane was between two stools; he feared to trifle with his master any +longer, and he feared to make known the concession. Though no one could +humbug the old Buccaneer like Dogvane, even he could not go too far, and +he had now come to the length of his tether. + +"Sir," said Dogvane, "we have gained a great diplomatic victory." +Directly the Buccaneer heard the nature of the triumph his face fell. + +Dogvane came cautiously to the subject again. "With the aid of King +Hokee I have settled your dispute without spilling one drop of Christian +blood." + +"Tell me, man, at once!" cried the Buccaneer, as he raised his stick +above his head, "has the Eastern Bandit made honourable amends?" + +"He has, sir," replied Dogvane. "He has indeed done all we can in reason +expect. The Bandit, though a Christian, is a proud man; and it is not +acting generously to humble any man too much." + +"Master Dogvane, I too am a Christian, and I have my pride as well as +the Eastern Bandit." + +"You, sir, are the leader of the Christian world, and as such should set +a good example. I did not say, my master, that pride was a Christian +virtue, though far too many Christians wear it as their everyday dress. +Pride, indeed, is the worst of sins, and through it Satan himself fell. +My master is great and noble, and all powerful; he can therefore afford +to be magnanimous. Bearing this in mind I made peace when you had been +beaten three times in the open. Few other nations, and few other men, +would have done this; certainly not the great Bandit of the East. Would +your other watch have had the courage to do it?" + +Thus did the cunning Dogvane run on, still evading the point of all +interest. But his master's patience was now completely exhausted, and he +brought his stick across the captain's back. + +"Softly, master," cried Dogvane, as he winced under the blow, "my coat +needs no dusting. The point is at hand. I have agreed, or arranged, or +it may be that I have entered into a sacred covenant with the great +Bandit of the East, that for certain considerations, hereafter to be +settled and defined, you shall black his boots." + +"Black his boots!" cried the Buccaneer in amazement, "and is this your +concession, fellow?" + +"Stay, stay, sir, not so fast," replied Dogvane. "Make haste is no doubt +a very good horse, but hold hard is a better. We have not come to the +concession yet. That stick is mighty hard. Stay, sir! I am coming to it. +It is this. In consideration for past favours, and to promote a good +understanding between you both, the Eastern Bandit graciously +condescends to find his own blacking." + +"The devil he does," exclaimed the Buccaneer, as his eyes opened wide +with astonishment. "What concession is there in that, pray?" + +"A very great one, sir, considering the size of the Bandit's boots, it +is little less than enormous. You might, sir, had it not been for +diplomacy, have been obliged to provide your own blacking. To get the +Bandit to concede this cost no end of trouble. One ambassador was quite +broken down, and several minor diplomatic officials have been rendered +quite useless for the remainder of their lives. Their minds having quite +given way, and they are left little better than babbling idiots, and +every boot they see they persist in blacking." + +The bold Buccaneer that once was, the great Sea King, the mighty trader, +was struck for a few moments completely dumb. Indeed Dogvane's +concession seemed to have benumbed his brain. His old coxswain, who had +kept a respectful silence during this long-winded palaver, now spoke, +having first of all cleared his decks, as he called it. "Master +Dogvane!" he cried, "the man who stoops to black a boot, will in all +probability be kicked by it before the job is finished." + +"Who asked you to put your spoke into the wheel?" Dogvane said in an +under tone, and then added aloud: "I've been thinking, sir, that we +might promote our honest friend here to some sinecure, where he will for +the rest of his days have little work and plenty of pay. We have many +such posts at our command, but strange to say, they are all full at +present. The keeper of the Imperial Hat is a duke; the emolument is +barely a thousand a year, but the honour is great and is much coveted. +Then there is the custodian of our master's night cap, that is held by +one who has royal blood in his veins, and he cannot be sent home, or +about his business." + +Dogvane's list of high offices was brought to an abrupt conclusion by +the sudden awakening of the Buccaneer, who seemed to be possessed with a +spark of his old fire. His wrath burst upon Dogvane like an angry gust +of wind. "Out of my sight," he cried, as he again raised his stick. Now +the keeper of the Buccaneer's stick was another high official, who drew +a goodly income for doing so. Dogvane, in his mind, determined that this +officer should be at once replaced by one who took better care of his +business. He thought, and perhaps rightly, that on such an occasion as +the present, the stick should either have been mislaid or sent to be +polished, or otherwise repaired. "Out of my sight!" cried the Buccaneer, +as he brought his stick down heavily upon old Dogvane's back. "Begone +thou veritable wind bag. Do you wish to thrust me down on my knees +before all the world? It was not by eating humble pie, fellow, that I +have grown to what I am. Get thee hence ere I break every bone in thy +body; thou weigher of scruples, thou splitter of straws. Where now is +all that money I gave thee over this affair with the Bandit?" + +"Master! master!" cried Dogvane as he cowered beneath the anger of the +old Sea King, and fell down on his knees before him. "Be not hard upon +your servant. Have I not served you faithfully these many long years? +When I had charge of your till did you not make more money than ever you +have since? Did not your pence grow into shillings, and your shillings +into pounds? Have not my eyes grown dim, and my hair sparse and grey, in +your service? Then bear with me a little while." + +The Buccaneer was slightly mollified. "Ah!" he said, "like many another +old servant, you trade, Master Dogvane, upon the past, and think that +your master will bear any amount of carelessness and bungling now for +the sake of what has been done before. If in days gone by you made money +for me, you have taken very good care to squander it since. But there +must be a limit to the endurance even of the best of masters. Have you +not dishonoured me in the eyes of my neighbours? Is your memory so short +that you have forgotten their reception of me? Have you forgotten the +scorn of some? the indifference of others? Have you forgotten the +revilings of the Egyptian gipsy? Have you not estranged my friends from +me and made me a must elephant of the herd, to wander out into the +wilderness? Through you is not the charge laid against me that I have +turned my back upon my enemies, and have you not so lowered me in the +estimation of my neighbours, that the smallest dog amongst them barks at +me?" + +"Master--" + +"Stay, fellow! I have not finished with you yet. While you prated about +economy and peace you have run me deep into debt; while the wake of the +old Ship of State, during the time you have been at the helm, has been +constantly smeared with blood." + +"Good master, the blood rests not upon my head, but upon that of the +other watch. All the trouble that I have got into has been owing to the +dreadful inheritance they left me." + +"That, Master Dogvane, is too stale a cry to be readily believed. It is +an old trick, and not altogether a reputable one, for one servant to try +and saddle another with the fruits of his own stupidity, or +carelessness. But where is that eleven millions I gave you for a certain +purpose?" + +"Good master, it is true that I have a little outrun the constable; but +I have had to recompense Abdur for the damage done, and I have had to +buy his friendship. Then the stupendous preparations I made were costly, +and though there may not be very much to show for the money, yet no +doubt a bloody war was averted, many lives saved, and in the long run, +much money." + +"A war averted, Master Dogvane, I have been told, is only a war +postponed, and that when once put off it generally comes at a most +inconvenient time, and is likely to prove most costly. To strike +promptly and hard, experience has proved to be the better plan, and the +cheapest both in men and money. Begone from my sight, fellow, for I +begin to know thee. I may be slow to anger, but when once roused, those +who displease me had better beware of me." + +Thus it was that old Dogvane, the captain of the Starboard Watch, fell +under his master's displeasure. As is always the case directly fortune +begins to frown on a man, his enemies crop up by the scores in every +direction, and all add a little to the victim's shortcomings, memories +for which are long. It is a noble idea that of not kicking a man when he +is down; but it seems to be honoured well in the breach. Once let a man +trip and he is spared by few. It seems to be a law of nature to attack +the wounded. The birds of the air do it and the beasts of the field, and +the savage drives his spear into his wounded enemy. Civilisation uses +other weapons than the steel-tipped ones; but they are none the less +keen and effectual, for a wounded spirit often gets the sharp shaft of +scorn sent clean through it. There is no mark of violence on the body, +but there is a wound within that never heals. + +Things went from bad to worse with old Dogvane until one day he and his +watch were kicked, without ceremony, over the ship's side. What brought +the final catastrophe about was that Dogvane very unwisely, or some of +his hands, tried to tamper with the old Buccaneer's drink. Touch him on +his stomach and you made an enemy of him at once. Chips no longer sang, +and Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher, was more gloomy than ever. He was +not a man of mirth. Even his jokes were heavy, but perhaps his trade +affected his disposition; it often does. The cheery little cook never +lost heart, and as they rowed ashore he gave them a tune on his barrel +organ, and gave them a song in which he ridiculed the prominent men of +the other watch, and, as a matter of course, the members of the +Buccaneer's Upper Chamber came in for their fair share of good-natured +criticism or abuse. As has been said, no one saw a blemish in a +neighbour sooner than the cook, and if that neighbour happened to be one +of the lords temporal, Pepper prodded him well with jeer, jest, and +sneer. + +As Dogvane and his mess-mates rowed ashore in disgrace, several heads +appeared looking over the bulwarks of the after part of the old ship. +These were the occupants of the Upper Chamber, who crawled from their +state room like rats from their holes, when the cat is away. The old +Church Hulk seemed to awake as from a deep slumber, and presently a hymn +of praise and of thanksgiving rose up and was borne upon the breeze all +over the Buccaneer's island, and the hearts of all the great Church +dignitaries and their many followers rejoiced that the Lord had for the +time being saved them from the hands of the Philistines; or in other +words from Pepper, and Billy Cheeks. All on board the old Church Hulk, +and very many others amongst the Buccaneer's people, fully believed that +if once the moorings of the old Hulk were slipped and she was allowed to +drift away from the Ship of State, the days of the Buccaneer would be +surely numbered. Respectability declared that she could never then go to +church, for that she certainly could not listen to a priest, who, no +matter however good a Christian he might be, was not a gentleman, for it +must be known that all Christians of the various other denominations +outside the old Church Hulk, were scarcely deemed to belong to that +extremely rare and privileged class. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX. + + +As the Starboard went ashore the Port Watch came on board, all with +their new brooms. There was the Captain, Bob Mainstay, by name, and his +first Lieutenant, Ben Backstay, a good sailor and true. There was also a +full compliment of other officers and men. Amongst the rest there was +the cheery little midshipman, Random Jack, who was now on the eve of his +promotion. It was wonderful how this little fellow had pushed himself to +the front. + +Wonders, it is known, never cease; but it was a strange sight to see the +Port Watch rowed on board by Ojabberaway boatmen. When the +weather-beaten old captain of the other watch saw this he smiled in a +manner that was peculiar to him and said: "That won't last!" Then, as if +speaking to himself, he added, "I wonder now, what was their price. +Humph! there is nothing that Bob Mainstay can either promise, or give, +that I cannot go beyond. Unless indeed, he and his crew chuck overboard +all their principles. Ah! there's the rub. Principles and politics don't +always pull together, and politics often, being the stronger of the two, +pulls principles round with a bang." + +Now there was an animated discussion all along the hard and amongst the +Press, as to whether or not the Port Watch had been rowed on board by +the Ojabberaways. Many were prepared to swear that it was so; that there +could be no mistake about the matter. Others declared it was one of +those optical delusions which are for ever happening to surprise and +mystify people. Those who see the supernatural in almost everything, +declared that this was merely a deception brought about by the devil. +The Buccaneer's people were ready to believe almost anything just +according to the party they belonged to, or the principles they +professed. Indeed their credulity was so great in most things that the +cunning rogue frequently reaped a rich harvest out of them. Astrologers +were all dead, but the people, some of them, still dabbled in magic and +believed in spiritualism. + +Before the Port Watch left the shore they promised to do no end of +things and their parting with the poor Beggar Woman, Patriotism, was +most affecting. They said that so long as they had charge of the old +Ship she should want for nothing. In fact everybody was to be made happy +and like the ending of all good books, and works of fiction, virtue on +all sides was to be rewarded. But the atmosphere of that old Ship +clouded the best of memories. Besides, every one knows that promises are +quite as cumbersome baggage as a conscience, and all those who wish to +get on in the world must unload themselves of the one, as readily as +they do of the other. + +Many of the crew of the Ship of State kept their consciences on board of +the old Hulk alongside, where they were cleaned and repaired and sent +for when wanted. + +The daily press having had their usual battle, settled down to dictate +to the watch in charge what they had to do and what they had not to do. +Indirectly it pretty well ruled the roost; told the captain what man he +was to put here, and what man there; but Captain Mainstay filled up his +different posts according to his own way of thinking, always bearing in +view, of course, the Buccaneer's cherished custom. All this took some +little time, for you cannot get things to fit on such principles all of +a sudden. Accidents will happen, and chance will occasionally put a +square man into a square hole and then he has with much difficulty to be +pulled out and a round hole found for him. + +New brooms invariably sweep clean and the Port Watch set themselves to +work to clean up the mess left behind by old Dogvane and his lot. No one +kicked up more dust than did the, at one time, little middy, who for his +good behaviour was made steward of the household of the Buccaneer's +Indian Princess. It was his duty to watch over her; to guard her against +her enemies and especially to keep an eye upon the wicked Bandit of the +East. + +They all agreed for once, and declared that old Dogvane had left things +in a terrible state of muddle, and they were unanimous in the belief +that they had only stepped on board just in the nick of time to save the +old Buccaneer from complete ruin; but this belief was also common to the +other watch when they took charge. The cook's galley they said was in a +shocking state and full of nothing but cheese parings; while he had +scribbled all over the place, "the Upper Chamber must be destroyed." All +people have their peculiarities, their whims and their fancies, and the +clever little cook was not without his. + +When the cook reached the shore, he went about with his barrel organ and +sang songs about the iniquities of the other watch; of their indecent +haste to get on board the old Ship and grab the emoluments attached to +the several offices. The cook being placed in easy circumstances, by the +profits he received from his barrel organ, could afford to be virtuously +indignant. + +Scarcely had the Port Watch settled down to their work than things went +wrong with them. They did not in shaping their course make due allowance +for the current of Public opinion, which at times set very strong, and +the old Ship of State got into difficulties. Over the ship's side they +went as quickly as they had climbed on board and the helm was again +placed in the hands of that experienced old salt, William Dogvane, who +was, however, requested by the Buccaneer to keep his weather eye open, +for that if he caught him again napping it would be the worse for him. + +"Master," said the captain, "it is no use your putting me on board this +old ship unless you give me powers sufficient to keep the wild and +mutinous Ojabberaways in order. They are simply playing the very devil." + +This to the Buccaneer was a hopeful sign, for Dogvane had always been +accused of sympathizing with this people and indeed of playing into +their hands. With Dogvane came the conspirators of the cook's caboose. +They still held together, though the carpenter was drifting away from +his old comrades, into a purer and brighter atmosphere. The cook was +like that pattern sailor, Billy Taylor, full of mirth and full of glee. + +One fine morning the whole of the Buccaneer's island was awakened by a +great hubbub on board of the old Ship. The Church Hulk was slumbering in +a peaceful repose after her recent rude shaking. She had again settled +down to her usual state. + +Notwithstanding what old Dogvane had said to the contrary he soon began +intriguing with the Ojabberaways and he made a rapid shift, coming to +the conclusion that nothing would make the Ojabberaways eternally happy, +but to give them everything they wanted. He said the old Ship thus +lightened would ride easily ever afterwards. The cook, however, true to +his hobby, said that it would be a great pity to waste the Ojabberaways +when there was the whole of the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber weighing the +old Ship down by the stern, and generally retarding her progress, and +interfering considerably with her steering. + +Things looked very bad, and Random Jack who was ashore was most +eloquent, and declared for his part he should never be surprised to see +a flare up on board the old Ship, when, no doubt, honest sailors would +come by their dues. The noise upon the Ship of State roused up the crew +of the ship alongside, for if there was to be a mutiny, or any thing of +that kind going on, they felt sure they would be boarded, robbed, and +cast adrift. + + + + +CHAPTER XL. + + +Just as people had conjectured; there was a mutiny on board the old +ship, and amongst the Starboard Watch which old Dogvane had allowed to +get a little out of hand. + +Even the conspirators of the cook's caboose were torn asunder, and the +hand of the cook wished to grapple round the throat of the carpenter. +The cook abused poor Chips right merrily, and called him every name +under the sun, and would allow him no virtue, and very little +intelligence. Pepper, with Billy Cheeks the burly butcher, stuck to +their captain with an affection that was pleasant to see, and there +could not be a doubt that if all went well with the captain, these two +would be amply rewarded for their fidelity. But the cabal of the cook's +caboose was completely broken up. + +The carpenter now behaved in a manner that did him very great credit, +and surprised not a few. He turned his back upon the cook and the +butcher, and this so displeased them that they never after had a good +word to say for him. + +It is most fortunate that this mutiny, unlike most other mutinies, was +unattended with any bloodshed or loss of life, and of course, this being +the case, it lost very much of its interest. Neither was the old Ship of +State scuttled and then run on shore, robbed, plundered, and abandoned. +Nor did the crew fall upon each other in the division of the plunder, +cutting each other's throats and otherwise conducting themselves as is +usual on such occasions, though it must be said that the Ojabberaways +excited fear in many a breast. + +How long the idea of freeing this people had been a quiet occupant of +old Dogvane's breast, smouldering there as such things generally do, it +is impossible to say. He was sphinxlike and could not be read. Nor was +it at all easy to tell which way he would go, or what he would do; for +he at all times made what is said to be the true and proper use of +language, namely to disguise his thoughts. He also found it a most +useful means of either screening an advance into an unknown, and +unfriendly country, and also to cover his retreat when beaten. The +upshot of the mutiny in the Starboard Watch was, that one fine morning +our old Buccaneer woke up to find that Dogvane, his trusted captain, in +whom he had placed so much confidence, had gone over bag and baggage to +the Ojabberaways, and that he had taken with him Pepper the cook, and +Billy Cheeks the burly butcher. + +The captain had apparently come to a hurried conclusion, and had risen +in the dead of night, and having hastily stowed away his sea chest, and +called to his side his beloved son, the small band deserted their old +comrades, and turned their backs upon them for ever. + +When all these things became noised abroad, very great was the +consternation, and it set many tongues wagging, and all kinds of things +were said. The carpenter was very much applauded even by those who at +one time had plentifully abused him; but in this world of ours nothing +lasts long; the sinner of to-day is the saint of to-morrow, and the only +thing needful is to wait. Chips, the carpenter, was now thought fit +company for the noblest in the land; no doubt, all this was most +gratifying, and if it had not been for the constant prods, that the cook +kept on giving him with his flesh fork, the prongs of which were dipped +in gall; and the occasional sarcasms hurled at him by Billy Cheeks, no +doubt Chips would have been a happy man. + +As is always the case on such occasions, vague rumours got about, some +of which turned out in the end to be true. It was said, upon what was +supposed to be very good authority, that Dogvane was to be crowned king +of the Ojabberaways, and all, both friends and enemies, wished him joy. + +There are those who go about seeking kingdoms; carpet-bag kings in fact, +but Dogvane was not one of these kind of pedlars, though if a kingdom +was thrust upon him, of course he could not help himself. + +It is very much to be regretted that ill-nature did not spare Captain +Dogvane; but it did not, and very many most improbable stories now got +wind. It was said, amongst other things, that every night before going +to bed, when anything had gone wrong with him in the day, that he tore +up his night shirt. The story is scarcely worthy of credence, but even +if it were true, history affords many examples of a like nature. We are +told on the most reliable authority that the Patriarchs of old whenever +they were put about invariably rent their garments, and even King David +himself, it would appear, was very much given to this practice. A king +of course can do no wrong; but amongst people of lower degree the habit +should be discountenanced, both on the score of expense, and of decency. + +It was also said that Pepper was to be rewarded for his fidelity to his +master by being made court jester to Dogvane, king of the Ojabberaways, +and that in addition, he was to be chancellor of the exchequer, +custodian of the Ojabberaways' morals, and a teacher to them of manners. +These offices were brought under one head for the sake of economy, and +as Pepper was an enemy to all official extravagance, this combination +pleased him. All thought he would have quite enough to do; but then +Pepper was an able man, and what to others would have been fraught with +very great difficulty, was to him a matter of ease. It is a happy thing +to be especially endowed by Providence. Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher, +was also promoted from his humble position on board the old Ship of +State, so it was said, to be minister of justice to the king of the +Ojabberaways, for he had some legal knowledge and gravity enough for a +judge, and as things were to be conducted on strictly economical +principles, he was also to preside over the Ojabberaways' High Court of +Assassination. He was to be also the keeper of the king's conscience. It +was thought that he also would have enough to do. + +Again did the Port Watch step on board with that jaunty and +devil-me-care air, so peculiar to sailors. Random Jack was given a +higher post even than that which he had held before; for he was made +keeper of the Till and holder of the Buccaneer's Great Purse, offices +only held by men of the most approved ability, and integrity. Many +believed that he was destined on some future day to command one of the +watches, but there seemed to be some difference of opinion as to which. +Many indeed there were who pinned their faith to Random Jack, and many +there also were who asked themselves how it was that he had thus made +his way. Some affirmed that it was by his undoubted ability, but quite +as many declared that it was by his unbounded impudence, frequently +called self-confidence. Possibly it was by a happy combination of the +above two qualities that he had been so successful. Certain it is that +no man can expect to rise to a great height unless he has a good share +of the last of the above virtues, for it is the only one that the world +truly appreciates. + +Of all things there is nothing like success. The middy now, instead of +being ridiculed, sneered at, and flouted, was taken up, and those who +before would have passed him by without bestowing upon him even so much +as a supercilious nod now claimed an acquaintance with him, and declared +that they had seen all along the superior stuff he was made of. + +Those people who know everything, and they are so many that it is little +short of a wonder that the world still keeps so uninlightened, said they +should never be surprised to find that Random Jack had entered into an +alliance with the carpenter, and obtained through him and others the +command of the Starboard Watch; but the carpenter was an ambitious man. +Upon the old cox'sn being asked his opinion about Random Jack, he gave +it, as was his custom, and according to his own fashion. "The lad is +good enough, d'ye see. He has parts, and he's got his head pointing in +the right direction; if only he has his ballast all aboard. But, my +mates, he seems a bit light at times, and does not stand up well to his +canvas, but that will come in due course; that will come when he has +trimmed his ship a bit. Then he has a knack of steering a bit wide at +times; now coming up in the eye of the wind, until he is nearly taken +aback; then veering away until he nearly wears round on the other tack, +why, his wake, my lads, is about as straight as a cork-screw. Give him +more ballast, and a steadier hand at the helm, and the lad will steer a +good course through life. Them's my sentiments, mates." + +But one fine day when Random Jack was sailing pleasantly along with all +plain sail set to a fair wind of public opinion, he suddenly, without +rhyme or reason, put his helm down, and everything went by the board, +and Random Jack was left a sport to the waves of Fortune, without either +sails or rudder, and it was doubtful whether he would ever again make +the fair land of Promise. + +But before all this a sad thing happened on board the old Ship of State. +The first lieutenant of the Port Watch, honest Ben Backstay, had, so +many people thought, been treated in a somewhat scurvy manner, not only +by the captain of the watch, but by some of his mess-mates. On one +occasion he was tripped up, it was said, by Random Jack and another, and +poor old Ben was hurt considerably, though like the brave sailor that he +was, he never uttered a word of complaint; but as a slight reward he was +kicked upstairs into the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber, thereby falling +under the displeasure of the immortal Pepper. + +If honest Ben had any feelings he never showed them, and of course, not +doing so they were not respected. One morning the whole ship's crew were +stricken with sorrow, for Ben, while at his post, heard Him whom all +must obey, call his name; so leaving his body below, his soul soared up +aloft. The flag of the old Ship of State was half masted, and minute +guns were fired. The bells from the church towers tolled out the +mournful news, and the Church Hulk sent up to Heaven a requiem on behalf +of poor Ben. He was a staunch friend of this old Ship, and she could ill +afford, in such perilous times, to lose even one supporter. The +Buccaneer mourned the loss of his trusty servant, and he kept a small +spot in his heart wherein to plant a few flowers of memory to honest Ben +Backstay, and as they towed him to his last moorings, the old Buccaneer +said: "Let us all hope that poor Ben Backstay, like poor Tom Bowling, +may find pleasant weather, until He who all commands, shall give to +call life's crew together the word, to pipe all hands." There was much +sorrowing in the land, and many a heart was sad. + +Ah! the human heart is but a grave-yard, where lie buried many hopes +that never survive even their first childhood; many ambitions cut off in +all the freshness of youth, and many friends. As we live, we bear there +from time to time, the cherished remains of someone, or of something we +love. In our lonely hours we sit by these silent graves, and shed many +warm tears of sorrow over them; wishing oftentimes, that we could bring +back the dead. Thus we sit, and sit, and mourn, and mourn, day after +day, and night after night. At length our sun sets, and our eyes grow +dim in the waning light, until at last they close forever. With us we +take our little grave-yard, with all its flowers, and bear it away into +the great darkness of eternity. + + + + +CHAPTER XLI. + + +Things with the Buccaneer had so gone from bad to worse and so preyed +upon his mind that his body became affected and he was seized with +illness of a lingering kind; but the nature of his illness no one knew. + +Now his island was celebrated for men skilled in the treatment of every +known disease that man is heir to. Many of these men were specialists, +that is to say, they bestowed the whole of their labour and attention +upon some one particular disease, or part of the human body. Others +again were faddists, that is, they pinned their faith to some particular +course of treatment. One of these tried upon the Buccaneer total +abstinence, but he got so weak and irritable that this man was shown the +door. He went away perfectly well satisfied that the Buccaneer's life +was merely a matter of days. Another doctor was called in, who declared +he was no advocate for slops and physic. A generous, but plain diet, +with plenty of fish to strengthen the brain, the whole washed down by a +tablespoonful of whisky diluted well with water, twice a day, was all +that was required; but on no account to touch claret, which, he +declared, was little better than poison, while sherry was molten lead to +the strongest stomach. This advice was not given in the above simple +terms, for no little of the physician's skill depends upon a grave +deportment, and the use of a language altogether unintelligible to the +ordinary mind. Then when by long familiarity the understanding does +begin to grasp a name, a new denomination is found for an old complaint, +or something fresh is manufactured out of the weakness of the human +body. The above treatment was acceptable for a time; but it soon began +to pall upon one who had all his life been accustomed to good living, so +another doctor had to be tried. When this eminent man heard of the +course prescribed by his predecessor, he raised his eyebrows and smiled +in a grave and wise manner; there being no approach, however, to coarse +and vulgar mirth. "Ah!" he said, as he read over the prescription and +order of diet, "brother Grain is a very clever fellow, without doubt, +but he has his whims and fancies. Whisky he swears by, because he likes +it himself; but I confidently assert that you cannot drink anything very +much worse. A little good sound claret, not any of those mixtures, mind +you, that are made at home, but a good, pure, wholesome, sound, and not +manufactured wine. This, and a diet of game, or fowl, will bring you +relief. The nature of your disease is to be explained simply thus: +Imperfect mastication and a slight weakness of the salivary glands not +bringing about a healthy deglutition there is in consequence a +corresponding loss of chymification, followed by imperfect +chylification, and thus the food is not properly acted upon before it +passes through the pyloric opening into the duodenum. Having had the +above explained to you in this simple and unpedantic manner, you will, +no doubt, my dear sir, feel very much more at ease." Having thus +delivered himself, the doctor took both his fee and his departure. + +How sad it is that the poor human body cannot run through its brief span +of life, without having to carry about inside it a bottled-up disease of +some kind or other, which in time eats through the cork, or stopper, and +flows out all over the system, poisoning everything. Taking away all +sunshine, all happiness, until at length it dries up the channels of +life; not sparing either the great and rich, but attacking the mighty as +well as the lowly; not leaving alone so great a man even as our bold +Buccaneer. It is sad, but then there is a crowd waiting for us to move +on. + +After the faddists came the specialists. Each one of these saw in the +Buccaneer's illness some one of the symptoms of his own especial +disease. Many of these most eminent men met in consultation, and there +was a great diversity of opinion. Each of the learned physicians flew at +once to his particular part of the Buccaneer's body. One said he was +suffering from dropsy and that nothing would save him but immediate +tapping. Another said it was stone, while a third was equally sure it +was his kidneys that were affected; this happening to be at the time the +fashionable disease. The exploring needle was thrust into every part of +the patient's body, with the result that some skulking disease was said +to be at the end of it, like a base conspirator plotting at the great +man's life. They one and all agreed, however, that the patient was +suffering from plethora, brought about by a too generous diet, which so +often accompanied very great prosperity. So before they left they bled +him freely; but still he neither recovered nor did he mend. + +Only one set of specialists dare not approach him, and these were the +mad doctors; those who treated the human mind. So sensitive was the +Buccaneer on this point that it was extremely dangerous to mention the +subject of insanity. He allowed all his idiots and maniacs to go about +at large, and he never interfered with them until they killed some one, +or outraged society by some scandalous act of indecency. They were then +locked up to keep them from doing further injury. + +The old coxswain stood by his master and prevented him from being either +starved, bled, or physiced to death. His neighbours too, all took a kind +interest in his welfare. Looked in just to see how he was getting on, +and to see how long he was likely to last. Said they hoped he would soon +recover; but in their hearts they hoped he never would. On their faces, +as is the custom, they wore a deep look of concern; sympathised with all +his sufferings, and told him to cheer up, for that they felt confident +he would pull through. Inwardly they were considering what of the +Buccaneer's property they would lay their hands upon, when the old +gentleman became too weak to defend himself. This is not hypocrisy, it +springs from that most laudable motive of not wishing to prolong the +suffering, or hurt the feelings, even of a rival. + +But what caused the poor old gentleman more annoyance than anything was +the way some of the members of his family behaved, taking advantage of +the old gentleman's state of health to pester him almost to death, and +would not take no, for an answer. His daughters even gave him no peace, +and their shrill voices were to be heard even above the men's, +clamouring for all kind of things. + +Some of them put on their nursing caps and bib-aprons and fell to +wrangling amongst themselves as to how the sick man was to be treated, +while at one end of the room, one Zedekiah Cant, had enthroned himself, +and held forth, by way of comforting the sick man's soul, upon the +horrors of hell. This reverend gentleman had slipped into the room while +two priests belonging to the old Church Hulk fell foul of each other on +the door-step over a matter of orthodoxy. + +The old coxswain tried his best to keep them all quiet, and he read many +of them a lecture; but just as he had succeeded in establishing a little +peace in rushed one of the daughters--the one who, at the march-past of +the disaffected, had begged that all violent death might be banished +from the Buccaneer's kingdom. "Look here, sir," she exclaimed, holding +up a pigeon. "It's dead!" + +"Who is dead?" cried the old Buccaneer, as he raised himself up in bed, +and looked fiercely round like some old terrier who on a sudden smells a +rat. "Has anything happened to the Eastern Bandit?" he asked. The ruling +passion it is well known is strong even in death. + +"Far, far worse, sir," cried his daughter. "In wanton sport your +cruel-minded sons have killed this poor, unoffending bird. Its life has +been sacrificed to provide a holiday for the idle." + +The Buccaneer finding that it was not his old rival who had come to +grief, sank down again and appeared quite unconcerned. Miss Progress now +requested silence and she at once commenced to lecture the Buccaneer +upon the theory of atoms; but even this did not seem to revive the +drooping spirits of the sick man. It, however, edified the lecturer to +no small degree, therefore it was not altogether barren of results. No +sooner had this daughter finished than another came forward, until at +length the Buccaneer, who was not ill enough to stand all this worrying, +requested his coxswain to pack the whole lot about their business. This +he did with extreme pleasure, and he assisted Zedekiah down-stairs with +the toe of his boot. As he was kicked out of the front door he was +attacked and well rated by the two clerical disputants, who dropped +their discussion to do battle with him. + +The old coxswain took this to be a good sign, "Ah!" he said to himself, +"if my old master would only rip out an oath or two, like he used to in +our good old fighting days, it would gladden my heart and I would say +there's life in the old dog yet." + +Now there lived in the Buccaneer's island a celebrated quack, Doctor +Politics by name, and there was scarcely anything that this man was not +supposed to be capable of doing. He had practised long and with success +and he was said to be extremely clever; having a remedy for everything +as most quacks have, and as he suited his fees to every pocket he did a +very good business, and was becoming more powerful in the Buccaneer's +island every day he lived. No doubt this man had worked some very great +cures and had brought relief to many suffering bodies; but the great +quack, like all great men, had his failings. Having been successful in +some things he thought himself skilled in all, and his bearing soon +became presumptuous and offensive in the extreme. People, however, +believed in him, and that was all that was necessary. Of course he made +mistakes at times, and his patients occasionally slipped through his +hands, and occasionally the cure was worse than the disease; but +accidents will happen even to the cleverest men, and when he made a +mistake very little was heard of it. + +In an evil hour the Buccaneer put himself entirely in the hands of this +physician, who when he entered the sick man's room, began to make great +alterations both in medicine and diet. He was a most expensive man and +his fees were exorbitant, but to one as wealthy as the Buccaneer, money +is no object, and indeed he thought all the better for those things +which he paid well for. + +"Sir," said the quack, "I have only been called in just in time. You are +suffering from a very severe depression, brought about by too good +living." In this he seemed to agree with the other physicians. "Your +constitution is impaired, and even endangered, and your interior +economy is altogether wrong. I will prescribe for you a strict regimen. +Every action must be regulated by law, I will lay down for you what you +are to eat, and what you are to drink, how much, and at what times. Your +hours of labour shall be defined, and also your hours for recreation; +the latter I will in time make to equal, or exceed, the hours of toil. +Your hours of sleep shall also be regulated, and indeed every action of +your life shall be brought under proper control, so that you need never +trouble yourself about anything, and any independent thought on your +part, or even action, will be quite unnecessary and altogether out of +place." + +As is well known old servants frequently presume upon their position, +and old Jack was no exception to the rule, so he said, "We have enough +of your sort of medicine, doctor, on hand already and to spare. What my +master wants is a little more freedom." + +The doctor looked up from the work he was at and said, "Indeed, may I +ask, my good sir, at what college you took your degree? Are you one of +those narrow-minded bigots, who not being able to see beyond your own +nose, which by the way seems to me to be an unusually long one, declare +that all beyond is ignorance and folly? Pray, may I ask if you are +homoeopath, or allopath?" + +The old coxswain took no notice but creeping up to his master he +whispered in his ear, "Master, master, have a care. This fellow is +weaving a straight waistcoat for you, and God only knows, you are +cramped enough as it is." + +But the Buccaneer did not understand his old friend and so the quack +continued his work, and presently said, addressing the coxswain, "Well, +my man, I will have nothing to do with you, and as you are likely to +interfere with my treatment with your cut and dried notions, your room +will be better than your company. Your master requires no fruit of the +medlar kind." + +"If your medicine," replied Jack, "is of the same kind as your joke, it +won't kill with laughter if it does not cure, and there's comfort in +that." + +"Begone, thou dotard!" cried the quack, "and mumble your old wives' +sayings to old wives' ears." Thus was poor old Jack banished from his +master's room. One of the accusations brought against the Buccaneer was +that he turned his back upon his friends. About the truth of this it is +not necessary to trouble; in such things, and indeed in many others that +ill nature floats, there is generally sufficient to give a colouring. +One thing is certain, he now allowed a well-tried, and honest old +servant, to be put on the wrong side of the door. + +Like some faithful old dog, Jack hung about the place and often, and +often tried to steal into his master's room, just to see how he was +getting on. He swore he would be silent and not utter a word, but poor +old Jack's reputation for silence was not great, and the quack doctor +kept such an eye upon his patient that he could scarcely dare move, or +speak, without his authority. The only consolation that old Jack had was +to cry out in the hearing of everybody, "Well, damme! if this is +liberty, give me the four iron-windowed stone walls of a prison for +choice." But nobody seemed to heed him. + +It was a sad sight to see this, at one time, daring old Buccaneer, so +fettered and bound. Many a good fight had he fought for the sake of his +freedom and after all it had only brought him to this. Evils, it is well +known, never come alone, and misfortune after misfortune befell him, for +one morning the merry round-faced sun rose with a broader smile than +usual upon his jolly red face. It was found that Madam Liberty, of whom +people had talked and prated so much, and made such a to-do about, +toadying, and flattering her, on even the smallest occasion, had turned +out to be no better than she should have been. The precise name by which +she was known it is not necessary to mention. Women of her class have at +all times played conspicuous parts in the world's history; being even +favoured of princes and other noble personages, while one even was made +the consort of an emperor and sat upon an Eastern throne. But a greater +surprise was still in store for people, for one morning they rose up to +find that the modern Phryne had disappeared in a most mysterious manner +and many believed that she had been made away with by her son, Demos. +This individual had now grown to great consideration in the Buccaneer's +island, and under the patronage of the quack he had been made custodian +of the household, and keeper of the old Buccaneer's honour; but the +latter office under his care soon became a mere sinecure. In turn Demos +became the master even of the quack, who had done so much to place him +where he was; but is not the story of kicking away the ladder by which +you have climbed, a very old one? + +The uncrowned queen, Respectability, still held her sway, but her +kingdom had become more confined, and she became a most prim, and +exclusive sovereign. The great quack doctor treated her with the utmost +consideration and politeness, and even Demos, who was for pulling down +everything, tried to gain her over, but her majesty became extremely +haughty and reserved, and would have little or nothing to do with him. + +But now the sorrow of sorrows has to be told. It was a wild and stormy +night. The rain swept over the island in blinding sheets. The wind +howled amongst the rigging of the old Ship of State, and the wild waves +dashed against the rock-bound coast, throwing up clouds of spray, and +roaring like hungry monsters, eager to devour their prey. The old +sign-board over the door of the Constitution public-house laboured to +and fro in the blast, and groaned every now and again as if in pain. The +light from a feeble lamp shed its uncertain rays upon two forms lying +side by side on the cold, damp earth, and the wind as it passed them +seemed to sing a funeral dirge to the Buccaneer's two best friends, the +Beggar Woman, Patriotism, and the old coxswain, Jack Commonsense. + +The two of them had travelled side by side on the road to Misfortune; +begging about from door to door, but they claimed neither pity nor +sympathy, all people being much too busy with their own affairs to pay +them any attention. At length they dragged their starved bodies to die +in front of the old house they both loved so well. With the loss of +these two the Buccaneer's days, it was believed, were numbered. + + + + +CHAPTER XLII. + + +Little is left to be told now. The sick man occasionally rallied, and he +loved to dwell like most old men of every station in life, upon his +past. He was also given to occasional fits of boasting, and when he did +do anything he took good care to let all the world know it. "Did you see +that!" he would cry out in an ecstasy of delight. "Did you see the +mighty blow I struck? Never in my palmiest days did I do better. Hide, +hide your diminished heads, ye Ramillies, Malplaquet, and Waterloo." +These famous battles he loved to talk about. + +He also took a strange delight in showering upon all his people all +kinds of honours or distinctions, and it was said that men were +decorated for doing little or nothing. This was a symptom of decay. + +Sometimes as he sat pillowed up in his invalid's chair, with the great +quack doctor in attendance upon him, he would mumble to himself, "Aye, +aye, I knew thee well. There was Wallop, he swept the seas. There was +brave Howard, Hawkins, Frobisher, and the rest, and you, my little man! +No, no, I've not forgotten Trafalgar and the Nile. Don't you remember +them all, Jack? Jack! Jack! where's my cox'sn, he never used to play the +truant," but Jack never answered to his call, and the old man wandered +on. "Clack, clack go my windlasses; yo! ho! cry my men. Heave in, my +lads. Sheet home and hoist up, and bear away for the main." + +The great quack smiled as he glanced his eyes up at the long row of +shelves, with their burdens of remedies, all of which had been +prescribed to meet some fresh complaint, and many a costly dose had been +given, which only aggravated the disease; and of many of the others, all +that could be said was, that if they did no good, they at least did no +harm; but the straight waistcoat every day received some slight +addition, which contracted still more the old Buccaneer's actions, until +in time he could scarcely call his soul his own. + +Thus did this great man pass his declining years. Ruled over by a +tyrannical quack. Worried by his own children, to whom he had given +every indulgence, at the recommendation of Madam Liberty, until it could +with justice be said that they one and all combined to bring the old +Buccaneer's grey hairs with sorrow to the grave. + +It is usual in all books, and it is even necessary before you close your +pages to kill some of the characters, if not all. Sometimes they die a +natural death, at others they are either blown up with gun-powder, or +otherwise made away; either with the steel blade, or the leaden bullet +of the assassin. The characters who have strutted for a brief space upon +the pages of this history must be allowed to die peacefully. The star of +Dogvane, the king of the Ojabberaways, after resting for a short while +over the green isle of his adoption, set forever in the Western Ocean. +His chief jester, the merry Pepper, the man of infinite wisdom and +resource, also passed away. Dogvane was never allowed to carry out his +grand design of covering the naked population of the Soudan in home-made +fabrics. Nor was the cook soothed in his last moments by seeing the +object of his life accomplished, namely, the total abolition of the +Buccaneer's Upper Chamber; consequently we cannot imagine that his end +was peace. + +It is a pity that Death is no respecter of persons; had he been, the +gifted Pepper, would, no doubt, have been spared to amuse and enlighten +the world. Of the other conspirators of the cook's caboose, after having +served their allotted time, they also passed away, and it is not +recorded that Billy Cheeks, before he died, set fire to the waters of +the river that flowed by the Buccaneer's chief city. The carpenter rose +high in his master's household, and carried to his grave a goodly load +of honour. Of the rest, let history tell what truth or what lies it +likes, here no more will be recorded. It will be remembered that our +bold Buccaneer was at one time sorely grieved because he only had one +general. This seemed to prey so upon his mind in his last days, that he +tried to make amends for his past neglect by making generals by the +score, whether they were fitted for the position or not; nor did the +Buccaneer stop here, for he gave military titles to nearly all his sons, +in the hope, no doubt, that amongst the crowd there might be one +military genius, or perhaps two. + +But stranger things were yet in store for the world, and a graver +symptom of decaying power had yet to manifest itself. It has been +already said that no man ever did more to degrade noble distinctions and +marks of honour than did this, at one time, celebrated Buccaneer, in his +declining years. It is true that he had not sunk quite so low as one of +his neighbours, who sold such things for a mere money consideration; but +he had in his latter years gone some considerable way even in this +direction, for he had made money a stepping-stone to preferment. The one +who placed drunkenness within easy reach of his people, might reasonably +expect to be made a peer. The successful oil-man, or grocer, who had +made his five talents into ten, need not despair of earning the at one +time honourable distinction of knighthood, while any one who served his +party well, even if it were to the discredit of his country, was pretty +certain to be ennobled. The number of new creations was so great, that +his heraldic officers were nearly worn-out with finding ancestors and +pedigrees for all these great people, and it was wonderful what things +their industry, and their ingenuity, brought to light. Frequently they +followed the poet's art and gave "to airy nothing a local habitation and +a name." + +Had he promoted all his cooks to seats in the Council Chamber it would +not have been so very extraordinary a thing, considering the part that +cooks play in this world of ours. The Buccaneer now put a climax to his +folly by one day making all his tinkers lords, and all his tailors +knights. Whether this was done in a spirit of irony, or from a deep +conviction that, as he had gone so far, he could not in justice draw any +hard and fast line, will never be known. He was without doubt the best +tinker the world had ever seen, and he had a very large show of +tinkered pots, pans, and kettles, always on hand, but many thought he +might have stopped here. + +These last acts were considered to be of so grave a nature that the +priest took the place of the doctor, and when this happens little else +remains to be told. + +Before closing the pages of this history, another catastrophe must be +recorded. In one of those storms which were of frequent occurrence in +the Buccaneer's island, the old Church Hulk, which had ridden alongside +of the Ship of State for so many years in fair weather and in foul, +slipped her moorings one dark night, either by accident, or otherwise, +and she drifted on to the rocks of discord, and being broken up was +plundered; her own crew being fortunate enough to save some of her cargo +of riches for themselves. After all was over they set to work to accuse +and abuse each other. Some indeed expressed open satisfaction at what +had happened, for the discipline on board the old Church Ship had long +been too severe for them, and signs of mutiny and insubordination had +long been manifest, as has been already shown. These felt that now they +could worship their God how they liked, when they liked, and in what +costume they liked; and those who wished it, and there were not a few, +could even worship more gods than one. + +The loss of the Church Ship was put down to various causes by her crew. +Some said it was the work of the devil; others said it was through the +wickedness of men; but very few of them thought of applying to +themselves the proverb, which the old coxswain and his master had +brought from the Spanish Main. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII. + + +There are different opinions as to how the world is to end. Some say it +will eventually fall a prey to that rapacious monster, the sun, which +seems to be according to these people a veritable gourmand; requiring an +enormous quantity of food to keep him going, and thinking no more of a +planet than an ordinary individual does of an oyster. Others seem to +think that the present inhabitants are to be frozen out, while others +again think that the balance of things is to be upset, and that some day +we shall, world and all, be flung into unlimitable space, waking up +eventually perhaps the peace and quiet of some far off system. Whatever +the method, the result will be the same, so far as the inhabitants are +concerned. All people are selfish enough to hope that things will last +their time, for no matter how the world is abused, and called all sorts +of bad names, but few leave it willingly, and if they could look out +upon the many beauties with which they are surrounded; if they could be +cured of their blindness, they would see something fresh every day to +give them pleasure. + +It was equally a matter of doubt as to how this brave old Buccaneer was +to make his final exit. Frequently the last stroke of death is not given +by that ailment that has been threatening through life. But as to the +Buccaneer? Would his neighbours step in, and taking advantage of his +weakness, knock the old gentleman on the head, and then divide his +riches amongst themselves, and thus save all further trouble to +administrators and executors? Would Demos, taking advantage of the +position his wanton mother Liberty had placed him in, club the old +gentleman, and so give him the finishing stroke? Such a thing has +happened before now, in the world's history, and it may happen again. +Children petted and spoiled, have ere now risen against their parents, +and have cruelly treated them. Was the old Buccaneer, the prosperous +trader, to have the last drop of blood sucked out of him, by the foreign +parasites and cheap-Jacks, or was he doomed to have the last spark of +life trampled out of him by the Ojabberaways? Again, what if this old +Buccaneer, who had sailed for so many years under the death's head and +cross-bones, were destined to end his days under Petticoat Government? +There would be a strange irony in this, and such a thing would go far, +no doubt, to rectify the many injustices that the fair sex from the +beginning has been subjected to. Revenge is sweet, and no doubt if this +were to happen, the last moments of the Buccaneer would not be passed in +peace. But of his end who can tell? It would be but waste of time +further to surmise, for we must say farewell to our brave old friend. We +will leave him in the hands of the great quack doctor and his numerous +attendants. What matters it, whether after lingering for a while below, +he was taken up to heaven on a snow white cloud, the fringe of which was +illumined by the glowing embers of a world he loved so well, and in +which he had played a by no means insignificant part? What if he passed +away before the final consummation of all things, leaving his spirits +behind to walk the earth, and to encourage some weary traveller who, +commencing life as a Buccaneer, lives in after years under the +protection of the great uncrowned queen Respectability, and takes for +his fancy dress the cowl and frock of a monk? + +The last moments of the great and powerful are sad to contemplate, and +are not lightly to be intruded upon. We see the mighty intellect +impaired, and the babbling tongue let loose. We see the strong arm that +was once the terror of all those who came within its reach lying +listless on the counterpane, with emaciated fingers whose strength is +not sufficient to crush a fly. Character, virtue, intellect, all that +goes to make a man great, have to retire into the shade of the sick +chamber, and wait patiently there, silently watching the ravages that +are being made. Then with the last breath of the dying man, Reputation +spreads her wings, soiled perhaps, and torn by slander, and pierced by +the sharp pointed shafts of ill-nature, and takes refuge in the marble +palaces of History, where things are cleansed and purified, or condemned +to everlasting obloquy. + +We drop the curtain, and wish this celebrated Buccaneer a long good +night. + + +THE END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer, by +Richard Clynton + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIFE OF A CELEBRATED BUCCANEER *** + +***** This file should be named 36615.txt or 36615.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/6/1/36615/ + +Produced by Charlene Taylor, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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