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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch On Tour, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch On Tour
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Various
+
+Release Date: May 20, 2011 [EBook #36177]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH ON TOUR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  MR PUNCH ON TOUR.
+
+  PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR.
+
+  Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON.
+
+Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. AND MRS. JONES'S WALKING TOUR.--(_At the Shakspeare
+Hotel_). _Voice from the office_: "Porter, take this lady and gentleman
+to the Romeo and Juliet room."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+
+THE HUMOUR OF TRAVEL AT HOME AND ABROAD
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DEPICTED BY
+
+PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL, BERNARD
+PARTRIDGE, F. H. TOWNSEND, DUDLEY HARDY, REGINALD CLEAVER, GORDON
+BROWNE, LEWIS BAUMER, G. D. ARMOUR, A. WALLIS MILLS, LANCE THACKERAY,
+AND OTHERS
+
+_WITH 153 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+  WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HUMOUR OF TRAVEL
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There is nothing insular about MR. PUNCH. Judging by his features,
+familiar though these be and long as they have been typical of English
+humour, he is not without some trace of foreign origin. Indeed, we fancy
+that were a very searching enquiry to be made into his ancestry we might
+find he had a far-off forebear who was, let us say, Italian! Perhaps we
+have here the explanation of his breadth of mind and wide sympathy
+which, however deeply rooted in the good soil of old England, are by no
+means absolutely delimited by our coast line.
+
+It is thus that we find him consistently the best of travelling
+companions, for there is none he is more ready to castigate with the
+whip of his satire than the insular Englishman abroad. This is as it
+should be, and in these days of the _entente cordiale_ especially, when
+the inducements to Continental travel are steadily increasing, all
+patriotic Englishmen are anxious that their fellow-countrymen should
+give as good an account of themselves as possible when visiting the fair
+lands of our friends across the silver streak.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MR. PUNCH, while always ready to stand for English ideals of right and
+fair-dealing, has equally endeavoured throughout his long career to show
+that all the good manners of Europe are not to be found on the
+Continent. But above all, wherever he goes, let his travels be within
+those green isles where he reigns as king of fun or as far afield as the
+land of the Sphinx, he diffuses that good humour which is the essential
+characteristic of the Englishman and adds so much to the joy of life.
+The present collection, illustrative of the humours of travel at home
+and abroad, certainly does not bear out the ancient criticism as to the
+English taking their pleasures sadly. Like many another book in this
+same library it proves rather that they take their misadventures
+joyously.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MRS. RAMSBOTHAM IN ROME.--When Mrs. R. was in Rome she insisted on the
+guide taking her and her party to see the Papal Bulls of which she had
+always heard so much. "I suppose," she said, "they're kept on some farm,
+and are exhibited for prizes just like the King's or the Prince of
+Wales'." The worthy lady added that she couldn't help laughing to think
+what a mistake she made in Holland when she was taken to see "Paul
+Potter's Bull," which turned out to be only a picture.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CURIOUS LANDSCAPE FEATURE OBSERVABLE AT MONTE CARLO IN THE EARLY
+SPRING.--Blue Rocks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS TO TOURISTS
+
+If you are put with a friend in a double-bedded room, bear in mind that
+inside walls are only lath and plaster, and that every word you say will
+be heard in the next room. Therefore carry on your conversation at the
+tip-top of your voice, and make as much noise as you can in packing, and
+in splashing, and in stumping round your room.
+
+Always give to beggars who waylay you on the road, and if you know their
+language, accompany your gift with a little stagey speech to the effect
+that all we English have more money than we know how to spend, and it is
+our duty when we travel to succour the distressed. This will mightily
+encourage the impostors in their trade, and engender a great nuisance
+for tourists who are poorer or less foolish than yourself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHE MEANT NOTHING WRONG.--_Curate to American Visitor._ How do you like
+our church, Mrs. Golightly? It is very generally admired.
+
+_Mrs. Golightly._ Yes, it's very pretty, but if it only had a clock
+fitted on the tower, it would be _useful_ as well as ornamental.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TACTFUL SYMPATHY
+
+_Genial Friend._ "Hullo, old man, getting on all right?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Our artist, while staying in the country, thinks it would
+be a good opportunity for studying _calves_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Yachting Man._ "Well, I always said you were a plucky
+fellow, Splinter; but really, now, I did not give you credit----"
+
+_Splinter_ (_not displeased_). "How do you mean?"
+
+_Yachting Man._ "Why, with your spars, to put out in such a gale o' wind
+as this."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRAVELLERS' TALES
+
+_First Traveller_ (_in the smoking-room_). I think the most marvellous
+sight I ever saw was when I was crossing the Bight of Benin. You know
+the Bight?
+
+_Second Traveller._ Perfectly. Shot two sea-serpents there last year.
+
+_Third Traveller._ I landed hard by when I cycled across Africa.
+
+_First Traveller._ Well, it was there we sighted a man who had crossed
+from Buenos Ayres on a hen-coop, with a cotton umbrella for a sail,
+and----
+
+_Other Travellers_ (_jealously in chorus_). Oh! Come, I say!
+
+_Quiet Man_ (_in corner_). Oh, I'll vouch for the truth of the
+assertion.
+
+_First Traveller_ (_nettled_). How's that?
+
+_Quiet Man._ Why, _I_ was the man.
+
+    [_Company disperses._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEXT BEST THING TO THE PERSIAN LOCOMOTIVE CARPET OF EASTERN FABLE.--The
+"Travelling Rug" of Western fact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Brown, who has had a hard day sight-seeing, in Tunis,
+goes to a café for a quiet drink and rest. Result!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HAPPY HOLIDAY
+
+  Now I really do not care a
+  Hang about the Riviera,
+  In the daytime you've a gay time,
+    But the nights are very cold.
+  And for any kind of touring,
+  Which I used to find alluring,
+  I for biking had a liking,
+    But I now have grown too old.
+
+  Then the constant change of weather
+  To my thinking, altogether
+  Knocked the notion of an ocean
+    Trip completely on the head;
+  I've a horror, too, of "trippers,"
+  'Arrys, 'Arriets, and "nippers,"
+  So a jolly quiet holi-
+    Day I spent at home in bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NO DIFFERENCE.--_English Customer_ (_to Manager of restaurant_). I see,
+Signor Maraschino, that the American gentleman and his wife who have
+just left drank nothing but water with their dinner. Does that make much
+difference in their bill?
+
+_Signor Maraschino._ Noting, sir. They pay same as yourself and lady,
+who 'ave champagne. Oderwise 'ow should we live?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE GREAT LOAN LAND."--Russia.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT DID MR. PUNCH DO IN THE EASTER RECESS?--Volunteer
+review! Not a bit of it! He just popped over, and had a few days of
+delightful _dolce far niente_ at Venice.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Papa, Maman, et Bébé s'en vont à la pêche aux crevettes.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FIN DE LA SAISON.--(_At a Cercle Anglais. "Le Fiv'
+o'clock," i.e., Afternoon Tea._)
+
+_Britisher._ "_Coming to the ball to-night, Count?_"
+
+_Monsieur le Comte._ "Moi, mon cher? Ah, non. I am tired. I have the
+ache everywhere. I have play the football!"
+
+_Britisher._ "Good! What?--Forward, half-back?"
+
+_Monsieur le Comte._ "Forward! Half-back! Par exemple, I am
+'Arbitre'--how you say it?--Referee!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPRESSIONS FROM ABROAD
+
+(_By Our Susceptible Subscriber_)
+
+Impressions on my hat after going down the salt mine at Berchtesgaden.
+
+Impressions on my alpenstock after looking at the Alpine Peaks from
+below with an opera-glass.
+
+Impressions on my nose and forehead by the mosquitoes, when I would be
+poetical and stay all the evening on the Rialto at Venice.
+
+Impressions on my ears by the bad language of my guide, when I refused
+to pay for the echoes awakened on the Rhine by an ancient howitzer.
+
+Impressions on my heart by memories of that pretty little Frenchwoman I
+travelled with from Turin.
+
+Impressions on my feet by her sweet little _bottines_.
+
+Impression on my mind, after Mrs. P. detected those _bottines_ too near
+my boots, that it would be better not to be so susceptible another time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THOUGHT BY A TOURIST.--Too many Cook's Excursionists spoil the _table
+d'hôte_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION
+
+_Customs Official._ "Have you anything to declare?"
+
+_Absent-minded Traveller_ (_Bridge-player, just catching last word_).
+"Oh, leave it to you!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:: INTERNATIONAL COMPARISONS
+
+_Henri Dubois_ (_who can speak English_) _to his friend 'Arry Smith_
+(_who can't_). "Pardon me, mon ami! You are very pretty boy, you dress
+in ze most perfect 'chic'; but vy do you speak your own language so
+ungrammaticallé?"
+
+'_Arry._ "Why do I speak my hown langwidge so hungrammatical? 'Ang it,
+yer down't suppowse as I were hedgerkited at Heton or 'Arrow like a
+bloomin' swell, do yer?"
+
+_Henri._ "Voyez donc ça! Now in France zere is no Eton, no Harrow: all
+ze public schools are ze same, and ze butcher and baker's little boys go
+zere, and ze little candlestick-makers, and ze little boys of ze
+merchants of cheese like you and me!"
+
+'_Arry._ "Come, I s'y, Walker, yer know! And where do their customers'
+little boys go?"
+
+_Henri._ "Parbleu! Zey go zere too!!"
+
+    ['_Arry, suddenly conscious of his deficiencies, feels
+    bitterly towards his country._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES"
+
+_Old Gentleman._ "Are you certain that these life-belts are cork, and
+not half sawdust?"
+
+_Storeman._ "They are the best quality. We have sold hundreds, and never
+had a complaint!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAPPY GEOGRAPHICAL THOUGHT (_when crossing the Channel in exceptionally
+rough weather_).--"Oh dear! What a pity that the sea everywhere can't be
+the Pacific Ocean!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE TRAVELLERS' CLUB."--An alpenstock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOREIGN HOTELS.--"WHAT!--NO SOAP!"--"Oh--er--juste
+regardez ici, mademoiselle! Vous nous avez chargé pour le _savon_--et
+nous ne l'avons pas _usé_, vous savez, car----"
+
+"Oh, mamma! How _can_ you!"
+
+    [_Poor things! they had brought their own._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LAST THING OUT.--Sensation created every morning at
+Crevetteville-sur-Mer by Colonel F---- (of the Guards) and the lovely
+Lady Magnolia D----.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION.--_Ducal Butler_ (_showing art
+treasures of Stilton Castle_). "The three Graces--after Canova!"
+
+_Mrs Ramsbotham._ "How interesting! And pray, which is the _present_
+Duchess?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Her Husband_ (_going on the Continent_). "Look here,
+Arabella, from now you and I will speak nothing but French."
+
+_Arabella._ "_Oui._"
+
+_Her Husband._ "What did you say?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "EASIER SAID THAN DONE"
+
+_Stout Traveller_ (_in the Eastern Counties_). "My lad--which is
+the--quickest way--for me to get to the station?"
+
+_Street Arab._ "Wh' run bo'! 'th' else yeow'll sartain'y lewse th'
+tr'ine! There goo th' bell!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DESPAIR!
+
+Brown has locked his portmanteau with one of those letter padlocks and
+forgotten the word that opens it.
+
+    [_Only ten minutes to dinner!_
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VIATOR'S VADE MECUM
+
+(_Or Compendious Weather-Guide for the British Tourist_)
+
+  When the wind is in the North,
+  Gingham take if you go forth.
+  If to Eastward veer the wind,
+  Gingham do not leave behind.
+  If to West the wind should tend,
+  Gingham is your surest friend.
+  If it seek the South, of course,
+  Gingham is your sole resource.
+  Intermediate points demand
+  Gingham constantly in hand.
+  If there be no wind at all,
+  Gingham take, for rain will fall.
+  At all other times, no doubt,
+  Gingham you may do without,
+  Yet e'en then an hour may bring 'em,--
+  Showers I mean,--so take your Gingham!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_English Tourist_ (_in the far North, miles from anywhere_). "Do you
+mean to say that you and your family live here all the winter? Why, what
+do you do when any of you are ill? You can never get a doctor!"
+
+_Scotch Shepherd._ "Nae, sir. We've just to dee a natural death!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The_ PLACE IN HOT WEATHER.--Lazistan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WATER CURE
+
+_Young Lady._ "So you've been on the Continent, Professor?"
+
+_The Professor._ "Yes, I've been to Marienbad, taking the baths, you
+know."
+
+_Young Lady._ "Really? That _was_ a change for you, wasn't it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Oh! con-found these country looking-glasses, though!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HOT WEATHER
+
+_Traveller_ (_bedtime, thermometer 100°!_). "Waiter, go' sh'ch a thing
+as a warmin'-pan?"
+
+_Waiter_ (_astounded_). "A warming-pan, sir!"
+
+_Traveller._ "And got any ice?"
+
+_Waiter._ "Ice, sir? Yessir!"
+
+_Traveller._ "Then tell 'chamb'maid to run a pan of ice through my bed,
+and let me have my candle. I'll turn in!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_An Indian Station, on the eve of a Fancy
+Ball._--_Globe-trotting "Bounder"_ (_newly arrived_). "You're running
+this ball, ain't you? Is fancy dress _de rigueur_?"
+
+_Choleric Colonel_ (_who is Ball Secretary_). "Fancy dress, sir, is not
+_de rigueur_, but an invitation _is_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UP COUNTRY JOYS IN INDIA.--_The Mem Sahib_ (_with a view
+to seasonable festivities_). "I wonder if you have got such a thing as
+lemon peel or candied peel in your shop?"
+
+_"Europe Shop" Keeper._ "Ah, no, Mem Sahib. Onlee got it 'cockle' peel
+and 'beesham' peel!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLERS' PROTECTION LEAGUE
+
+The T. P. L. commenced operations last week with regard to the
+unpunctuality of certain railway companies, and should be encouraged to
+go a little farther. We want protection against:--
+
+1. Passengers who try to keep us out of carriages by fictitiously
+placing hats and wraps on more seats or corners than they will
+themselves occupy.
+
+2. Passengers who endeavour to enter carriages when we have fictitiously
+placed hats and wraps on more seats or corners than we shall ourselves
+occupy.
+
+3. People who smoke bad tobacco in compartments where there are ladies.
+
+4. Ladies who ride in compartments where we smoke bad tobacco.
+
+5. Parties who insist upon having the window open when we wish it shut.
+
+6. Parties who insist upon having the window shut when we wish it open.
+
+7. Persons who try to squeeze in when our carriage is full.
+
+8. Persons who try to keep us out when their carriage is full.
+
+9. Objectionable babies.
+
+10. Objectors to babies.
+
+And a job lot of grievances, viz.:--
+
+11. The British landscape, now consisting of pill advertisements.
+
+12. Clapham Junction.
+
+13. Bank Holiday traffic and excursionists, racing and football crowds.
+
+14. The weather.
+
+15. Nasty smelling smoke.
+
+16. Irritatingly uncertain lamps.
+
+17. The increase in the income-tax.
+
+18. The cussedness of things in general.
+
+19. And, lastly, the Billion Dollar Trust.
+
+If the T. P. L. will abate or abolish any or all of these nuisances we
+shall be very greatly obliged.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TIGHT FIT
+
+_Chorus of Girls_ (_to popular party on bank_). "Oh, do come with us,
+there's _plenty_ of room!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. RAMSBOTHAM was asked if she liked yachting, and she replied that
+she preferred _terra-cotta_. She probably meant _terra-firma_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"
+
+When, after lunching sumptuously at a strange hotel in a strange part of
+the country, it suddenly occurs to him that he has left his purse, with
+all his money in it, in the mail train going North.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT MUNICH.--_Mr. Joddletop_ (_to travelling companion at Bierhalle_).
+What they call this larger beer for I'm blessed if I know! Why, it's
+thinner than what I drink at home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S COUNTRY RAMBLES
+
+(_With acknowledgments to the "Daily Chronicle"_)
+
+A memorable afternoon may be spent by taking the train to Muggleton, and
+walking from there by way of Mudford, Sloppington,
+Stickborough-in-the-Marsh, Drencham, St. Swithuns, and Swillingspout to
+Poddleton-on-the-Slosh. The whole district is full of memories of the
+great Hodge family (before it migrated into the towns). Quite a number
+of mute, inglorious Miltons are buried in Poddleton churchyard, but a
+few people may still be seen in the market-place on Saturdays.
+
+_Route of Ramble._--Alighting at Muggleton Station (too much
+reliance should not be placed upon the elocution of the local
+railway porter) leave the refreshment room resolutely on the left
+(as you will need to keep your intelligence clear), and proceed in a
+north-north-east-half-northerly direction along a winding lane, until
+Mudford Beacon appears in the rear. Then turn back across six meadows
+and a ploughed field, following alternately the bed of a stream and the
+right bank of the canal until Sloppington is reached. From there follow
+the boundary line between the counties of Mudshire and Slopshire as far
+as Stickborough: from two to seven miles further on (according to the
+best local computation) lies Drencham, where is a remarkable pump.
+Leaving this landmark south-west-by-west, veer sharply to the left
+twice, and pursue a zig-zag course. If, at the twenty-second field, you
+are not within easy reach of Swillingspout it will be because you are
+incapable of following this brief chronicle. From the last-named place
+the nearest way to Poddleton is through the railway tunnel. It is not
+public, but persons have sometimes succeeded in getting through.
+Poddleton is nine miles from a station, but an omnibus walks the
+distance occasionally, when the horse is not required for funerals or
+other purposes.
+
+_Length of Ramble._--Doubtful. Has only been done in sections.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MISS-GUIDED FOLKS IN PARIS.--Evidently those who are personally
+conducted by "Lady Guides."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BY THE CARD"
+
+_Pedestrian._ "How far is it to Sludgecombe, boy?"
+
+_Boy._ "Why, 'bout twenty 'underd theausan' mild 'f y' goo 's y'are
+agooin' now, an' 'bout half a mild 'f you turn right reaound an' goo
+t'other way!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Traveller._ "Can you direct me to Hollow Meadows?"
+
+_Hodge_ (_who stutters frightfully_). "Ye-ye-ye-yes. You t-t-t-t-take
+the f-f-f-first t-t-t-t-turning on th-the right, and ku-ku-ku-keep
+straight on ower th' b-b-b-brig. Bu-bub-bub-but you'd bub-bub-bub-better
+be gu-gu-gu-gangin' on. You'll gu-gu-get there quicker th-th-th-than I
+can t-t-t-tell you!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUCH PLEASANTER FOR ALFRED
+
+_Constance_ (_adding the last straw_). "There, darling! I hope I've
+forgotten nothing. And oh, Alfred! how much, _much_ pleasanter to carry
+our things ourselves, and be alone together, than to have a horrid
+servant trotting behind us, and listening to every word we say!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOMETHING FROM THE PROVINCES
+
+_Excursionist_ (_politely_). "Can you kindly direct me the nearest way
+to Slagley?"
+
+_Powerful Navvy._ "Ah can poonch th' head o' thee!"
+
+    _[Excursionist retires hastily._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON THE COLONIAL TOUR
+
+_Famous Pianist._ "Himmel! how hot it is! I really think I might just
+have half an inch cut off--just round the nape of my neck you know. Just
+_thinned_ a little----"
+
+_His Agent._ "Out of the question, my boy. Remember clause seven in the
+agreement--'Your hair not to be cut till the last concert in Australia
+is over'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EVOLUTION EXTRAORDINARY
+
+_British Tourist_ (_who has been served with a pig's foot_). "What's
+this? I ordered quail!"
+
+_Negro Waiter._ "Wall--y'ev got quail!"
+
+_British Tourist._ "Quail! Why a quail's a bird!"
+
+_Negro Waiter._ "_Not here!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDEAL HOLIDAY
+
+  Come, Phyllis, for the season is already on the wane,
+  And the question of our holiday perplexes once again;
+  Now every jaded Londoner fresh stores of vigour seeks,
+  Our problem is how best to pass these few and fleeting weeks.
+
+  As one by one each watering-place we call to mind in turn
+  As promptly some objection to each one we discern;
+  Thus Scarborough's too chilly, and Ilfracombe too hot,
+  And this too near, and that too dear, that sandy and this not.
+
+  The Alps are always overrun and crowded as Cheapside,
+  And the garlic-reeking South I own I never could abide;
+  The _Bads_--Aix, Vichy, Taunus, Homburg, Carlsbad, Neuenahr,
+  Are either vulgar, crowded, dull, expensive, or too far.
+
+  Oh, for some new and lone retreat, nor far away nor near,
+  With lovely sights to charm the eye, soft sounds to soothe the ear;
+  Where vexed and wearied spirits, such as yours and mine, might rest,
+  And find in life new purpose, in its joys unwonted zest;
+
+  Some Aidenn, some Elysium of rapturous delight,
+  Where peace should reign unbroken from the dawn to fall of night!
+  Yet since for the impossible in vain we yearn, 'tis clear,
+  It will end no doubt as usual, in "Good old Margate," dear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE _VALET_ OF THE NILE"
+
+Much talked about, but very seldom seen!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A railway from Joppa to Jerusalem" sounds like a Scriptural line. In
+future, "going to Jericho" will not imply social banishment, as the
+party sent thither will be able to take a return-ticket.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SO NICE AND SYMPATHETIC.--A gentleman, whose one glass eye had served
+him for years, had the misfortune to drop it. It smashed to atoms. This
+happened when he was far away in the country. He inquired of a friend
+where was the nearest place for him to go and get refitted.
+
+"Why don't you call upon the girl you were flirting with all last
+night?" his friend inquired. "She has a first-class reputation for making
+eyes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BALLOONERY.--"We went spinning through the air!" said an enthusiastic
+aeronaut, describing his recent trial trip.
+
+"Indeed!" observed his companion, meditatively. "Judging by your
+description it sounds as if you had been in an 'heir-loom' instead of an
+'air-ship.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT BRUSSELS.--_Mrs. Trickleby_ (_pointing to an announcement in grocer's
+window, and spelling it out_). _Jambon d'Yorck._ What's that mean, Mr.
+T.?
+
+_Mr. T_. (_who is by way of being a linguist_). Why, good Yorkshire
+preserves, of course. What did you suppose it was--Dundee marmalade?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CAUTION! THIS HILL IS DANGEROUS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO ABSENT FRIENDS.
+
+(_By a Fox without a Tail._)
+
+  Dear Brown and Jones and Robinson and many thousands more,
+  Now spending dismal holidays on some dank sea-girt shore,
+  You, who affect to pity those compelled in town to stay,
+  Should rather envy us, because we cannot get away.
+
+  While you are hiring tiny rooms at many pounds a week,
+  And huddle there and watch parades that run with rain, and reek,
+  Contrast my cheerful aspect with your discontented looks,
+  As here I stay at ease among my pictures and my books.
+
+  Here in the trains the traveller can now find ample space,
+  Enjoying elbow-room without a struggle for a place:
+  The choicest dishes are not "off" at half-past one to lunch,
+  And no one spoils our appetite with--"After you with _Punch_!"
+
+  The dainty shops of Regent Street teem with their treasures still,
+  The Park with all its beauties we can now enjoy at will;
+  No longer do the jostling crowds provoke an angry frown,
+  But leisurely we relish the amenities of town.
+
+  Thus basking in the keen delights that empty London owns
+  (Though from my heart I pity you--Brown, Robinson and Jones),
+  So long as you may care to stay, and business is slack,
+  I cannot honestly declare I long to see you back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRIPPERS
+
+_Tommy_ (_his first visit_). "Will it be like this all d-d-d-day
+daddy?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Billiard Enthusiast_ (_having mistaken his room at the
+hotel, holding on to knobs of bed_). "Which do you prefer, sir? Spot or
+plain?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When the chairman of a railway company speaks of "the diversion of
+traffic," may it be understood that "pleasure trips and excursions" are
+covered by this expression?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ENGLAND AND GERMANY
+
+_British Nimrod_ (_who has shot tigers in India, and lions in South
+Africa_). "The fact is, Herr Muller, that I don't care much for sport
+unless it contains the element of danger."
+
+_German Nimrod._ "Ach zo? you are vont of _taincher_? Den you should gom
+ant shood mit _me_! Vy, only de oder tay I shoodet my broder-in-law in
+de shdômag!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUTTING A NEW ACQUAINTANCE.--_Major Longi'th'Bow._ I met a Brahmin once
+with "John Smith, London," carved on his back. You see he was standing
+motionless in one of those pious trances which nothing is allowed to
+interrupt. In this state he was found by a cheap-tripper, who took him
+for a statue and cut his name as usual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT FLORENCE.--_First Tourist._ Hullo! Barkins, what brought you here?
+
+_Second Tourist_ (_facetiously_). The railway, of course. And you?
+
+_First Tourist_ (_getting mixed, but thinking he has his friend_). My
+wife's wish to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Gainsborough_--for greedy tradesmen; _Gnosall_--for
+wiseacres; _Gravesend_--for sextons; _Great Barr_--for constant topers;
+_Grind-on_--for crammers; _Halt-whistle_--for football umpires;
+_Hastings_--for wasps; _Hawkshead_--for falconers; _Honi-ton_--for busy
+bees; _Hoot-on_--for owls.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRY OF THE TRAVELLING SMOKER.--_En_ briar root!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SNUB FOR A SNOB
+
+_English Tourist._ "Aw--that buttermilk was very nice, my dear. What
+payment do you expect for it?"
+
+_Cottage Girl._ "We wouldn't be after asking any payment. Sure we _give_
+it to the pigs!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MISPLACED SYMPATHY
+
+(_The "Boots" at the Shadow of Death Hotel, in the back block of
+Australia, on seeing a pair of boot-trees for the first time._)
+
+"I say, Billy, that poor bloke in the bed-room must 'ave ad a terrible
+accident. He's got two wooden feet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Tripper_ (_examining official notice on the walls of Boulogne_).
+What's that mean, Tripper, "Pas de Calais"?
+
+_Tripper_ (_who is proud of his superior acquaintance with a foreign
+language_). It means--"Nothing to do with Calais," my dear. These rival
+ports are dreadfully jealous of one another.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS, &c.
+
+_Jones._ "I say, what's the exact meaning of 'voilà'?"
+
+_Brown._ "Well, I should translate it as 'behold,' or 'there you are,'
+or something like that."
+
+_Jones._ "Confound it! I've been using it for the last month and
+thinking I've been swearing in French!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BASHAN, NEAR BARMOUTH
+
+The worst of Wales is, the wild beasts are so numerous and inquisitive.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GEOLOGY.--_Scientific Pedestrian._ "Do you find any
+fossils here?"
+
+_Excavator._ "Dunno what you calls 'vossuls.' We finds nowt here but
+muck and 'ard work!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC ON THE WATERS.--_Parker._ "Beg pardon, my lady, but
+the band can't play the selection your ladyship asked for."
+
+_Her Ladyship_ (_astonished_). "But it's in their programme!"
+
+_Parker._ "Yes, my lady, but they can't play it till we get into still
+water, and _then they'll try_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE COMFORTER.--"I say, old man, I've just been down in
+the saloon, and they give you the finest half-crown lunch I've ever
+struck!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A MOOT POINT.--_Mrs. Brown_ (_on her honeymoon_). "Oh,
+aren't you glad, darling, we have come this delightful tour, instead of
+going to one of those stupid foreign places?"
+
+    [_Darling is not quite sure about it, as the hills are of terrible
+    frequency, and, naturally, he tows his bride up every one._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BAD HABITS GROW APACE.--_Traveller_ (_whose train is
+due_). "Look here, I'm going to get out and walk. That brute will make
+me miss my train!"
+
+_Jarvey._ "Kape still, surr. For the love av' Moses, kape still. Sure
+an' if the ould blayguard bates us, I'll niver get him up to the station
+no more!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLERS TRICKED
+
+(_An à propos Duologue_)
+
+_She_ (_with resolution_). Charlie, I want to ask your pardon. I have
+made a mistake.
+
+_He._ Yes, dear; which of them?
+
+_She._ You shall not put me out by sneering. Yes, I have made a mistake;
+and when I make a mistake, I do not fail to acknowledge it.
+
+_He._ Quite right, dear. Nothing like having a congenial occupation.
+
+_She._ Charlie, we came back to town prematurely.
+
+_He._ Yes, dear; we certainly curtailed our stay in Paris a little to
+allow of your purchasing that pretty bonnet.
+
+_She._ It cost a lot of money, Charlie.
+
+_He._ It did, dear; but I did not grudge it, as you and the shop girl
+said it was of the first mode and the greatest novelty in Paris.
+
+_She._ Yes, Charlie; and I believed her.
+
+_He._ Well, I am sure that the three or four days we cut off were well
+worth it, to buy the bonnet.
+
+_She._ How good, how noble of you to say so!
+
+_He._ Not at all; I was really glad to get back to the club. And you
+have your bonnet--a real genuine French bonnet! And the most Parisian
+shape imaginable.
+
+_She_ (_with an effort_). The shape is not Parisian.
+
+_He._ Not Parisian! Where does it come from?
+
+_She._ I see from a ticket in the lining it was made in the Edgware
+Road.
+
+    [_Tears and curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT WINDSOR.--_American Traveller_ (_to Waiter at the "Blue Stag"_). Say,
+is it true that you've got a real live ghost here?
+
+_Waiter._ Yessir. Believed to be either Cardinal Garnet Wolseley, 'Erne
+the 'Untsman, Queen Elizabeth, or the late King of the Belgiums.
+
+_American Traveller._ Thanks. Send for the local reporter, if off duty
+in any one capacity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Ware-ham_--for abstainers from pork;
+_Whits-table_--for facetious gourmets; _Wig-more_--for bald men;
+_Wig-ton_--for perruquiers; _Winfarthing_--for small gamblers;
+_Wo-burn_--for firemen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOSÉ IN EGITTO; OR, AUTOMOBILITY IN THE LAND OF THE
+SPHINX.
+
+"One touch of _Punch_ makes the whole world kin."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A QUESTION OF PROPORTION.--_Colonel Peppercorn_ (_who is
+touring in France with a hired chauffeur and car, which has broken
+down_). "Confound it all, you say it's nothing? Then why don't you
+repair it?"
+
+_Alphonse Legros._ "Mais, monsieur, pas possible, he break below! I
+cannot arrive there! He is only quinze centimètres from ze ground; but
+me--voilà--I have one mètre round ze chest!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SKELETON TOURIST'S VADE MECUM
+
+_Question._ What is your object this year?
+
+_Answer._ To follow the precedent of former Summers, and get over as
+much ground as possible.
+
+_Q._ How do you manage this?
+
+_A._ With the assistance of a ticket guaranteed to make distance a
+greater consideration than scenery.
+
+_Q._ Is it necessary to examine the places _en route_ with much careful
+consideration?
+
+_A._ Certainly not, as the Guide-book of the place visited will supply
+the compulsory omissions.
+
+_Q._ What are compulsory omissions?
+
+_A._ Objects of interest left out for want of time to give them an
+inspection.
+
+_Q._ How long would you give St. Peter's at Rome?
+
+_A._ A quarter of an hour, and the Colosseum at the same place ten
+minutes.
+
+_Q._ Could you not spare more time than this from your holiday?
+
+_A._ No; for luncheon and dinner have to be taken into consideration in
+the touring table.
+
+_Q._ What object of interest would you examine in the Land of the
+Midnight Sun?
+
+_A._ The sun at midnight, if it happened to be shining.
+
+_Q._ And if you visited the Rhine by the railway, what object of
+interest would chiefly attract your attention?
+
+_A._ The interior of the compartment in which you happened to be
+travelling.
+
+_Q._ What advantage would you derive from your tour?
+
+_A._ The satisfaction of explaining to non-tourists where you had been
+rather than what you had seen.
+
+_Q._ Do you consider that your mind would derive much benefit from your
+rapid locomotion?
+
+_A._ Not much, nor my body either.
+
+_Q._ But I presume your outing would justify the title of this Vade
+Mecum?
+
+_A._ Most certainly; because, by the end of your journey, you might
+accurately describe your condition as one who had been reduced to a
+skeleton.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nervous Tourist._ "Stop, driver, stop! There's something
+wrong! I am sure a wheel's coming off!"
+
+_Driver._ "Arrah, be aisy then, yer honour. Sure, it's the same one's
+been comin' off thin these three days back!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: (_Sketched on the pier just after the arrival of the
+boat._)
+
+_'Arry_ (_viewing stormy sea in a mutoscope_). "My eye, Maria, come an'
+'ave a look 'ere. The motion of the waives is simply grand!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONTINENTAL TRIP.--_First Man_ (_tasting beer_).
+"Hullo! I ordered lager. This isn't lager!"
+
+_Second Man_ (_tasting_). "No; but it's jolly good, all the same!"
+
+_Third Man_ (_tasting_). "C'est magnifique! mais ce n'est pas
+lager-r-r!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON THE GRAND TOUR.--Scene--_Staircase of the Palazzo
+Bianco._--(_Enter the Joneses of London._) _Chorus of Maidens._ "O, ma,
+dear! O, papa! do look! _Isn't_ this charming? _Isn't_ it delightful?
+Only fancy--the _Bragginton Smiths_ were here last month!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FAULT OF THE FOWL
+
+SCENE--_Coffee-Room, Hotel, Guernsey._
+
+_Visitor_ (_gazing at a guinea-fowl's egg_). "Waiter! Can you tell me
+what egg this is?"
+
+_Waiter._ "Oh, sir, it's a Guernsey egg. They sometimes lays them like
+that. It's not done in the boiling!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CORRECTED.--_Lady Tourist_ (_doing the cathedrals of
+Scotland_). "This is _Gothic_, isn't it, John?"
+
+_Juvenile Vendor of "Guides"_ (_severely_). "No, mem, _this is
+Presbyterian_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At HOMBURG-V.-D.-H.--_Colonel Twister_ (_in the hotel smoking-room_).
+Yes! I once played a game of pool at Senecarabad, holding the cue in my
+teeth, and captured all the loot!
+
+_Captain Longbow._ Pooh! That's nothing! About a month ago I matched
+myself at shell-out against Fred Fandango, and clutching the cue between
+my toes, walked in lying on my back!
+
+_Colonel Twister_ (_taken unawares_). But how the deuce did you manage
+to see the table?
+
+_Captain Longbow._ See the table? Why, had the cloth lighted with
+Röntgen rays, of course! Saw through the slate!
+
+     [_The Colonel abruptly says "Good Night" to the company, and leaves
+     for Schlangenbad next morning._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FORCE OF HABIT.--Recently two bankers met abroad. They at once began to
+compare notes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW NAME FOR SEA-SICKNESS.--_Mal de Little Mary._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. RAMSBOTHAM wants to know whether the inhabitants of the Fiji
+Islands are called the Fijits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YOUNG AUSTRALIA
+
+SCENE--_Highland Gathering in the Antipodes._
+
+"Well, my little man, so you're Scotch, eh?"
+
+"Nae, nae, a'am nae Scotch, but ma pairents is."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SENSATIONAL DRAMA IN THREE ACTS AND FIVE TABLEAUX.
+
+(_Showing how he got in for it and how he came out of it rather the
+worse for "wear"._)
+
+MR. JOGGLES HAVING CAREFULLY SELECTED A RETIRED SPOT DEPOSITED HIS
+CLOTHES IN A CAVE SEES A LITTLE WAY BELOW HIM A SPARKLING POOL FED BY A
+TORRENT FROM ABOVE--A NATURAL SHOWER BATH, INTO WHICH HE WILL JOYFULLY
+DESCEND.
+
+THIS IS WHAT HE EXPECTED BEFORE TAKING A DIP.
+
+BUT A PICNIC PARTY HAVING TERMINATED THEIR LUNCHEON, UNWITTINGLY
+REARRANGE MATTERS.
+
+MR. JOGGLES IS COMPELLED TO REMAIN OVER HIS USUAL TIME IN HIS BATH.
+
+IN THE MEANTIME THE GOATS HAVE BEEN BUSY WITH HIS CLOTHES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR A CHANGE
+
+  Fagged and jaded, Daphne mine,
+  For our annual change I pine.
+  Once again the problem's here,
+  Whither we shall go this year.
+  Let who will seek lake or moor,
+  "_Bad_" or hydro, spa or "_kur_,"
+  Switzerland and Germany
+  Have no charms for you and me.
+  There while restless tourists haste,
+  "Good old Margate" suits our taste.
+  On its old familiar ground
+  We will make the usual round.
+  Meet Smith, Robinson and Brown,
+  Whom we daily see in town;
+  Hear the niggers or the bands
+  On the pier, the fort, the sands;
+  Revel in each well-known joy,
+  Then, when these enchantments cloy,
+  And for change again we yearn,
+  Why, then, Daphne, we'll return.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE number of stowaways who secrete themselves in big vessels is
+becoming a growing evil. A Norwegian barquantine reached Plymouth on
+Friday with an entire cargo of hides.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VERY REVOLTING PLACE.--Brazil.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: French Tourist, on a visit to London for the first time,
+makes a note in his pocket-book of the name of the street in which his
+hotel is situated.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+À BERLIN.--Although Berlin is "on the Spree," its cheerfulness is
+considerably discounted by "the Oder" in its vicinity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "JOINT OCCUPATION"
+
+(_Suggested by Cook's Tourist in Egypt._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVERHEARD AT CHAMONIX.--_Stout British Matron_ (_in a broad British
+accent, to a slim diligence driver_). Êtes-vous la diligence?
+
+_Driver._ Non, madame, mais j'en suis le cocher.
+
+_Matron_ (_with conviction_). C'est la même chose; gardez pour moi trois
+places dans votre intérieur demain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PHILLIPOPOLIS
+
+_Toper Major_ (_over their third bottle of a Grand Vin_). "I shay, ol'
+f'ler, neksh year thinksh'll go see ex'bishun at Ph-Phipp at
+Philup-popple----"
+
+_Toper Minor._ "I know, ol' f'ler. You mean Philipoppoppo--poppo----"
+
+_Toper Major._ "Thatsh it--shame place. Have 'nother bo'l!"
+
+    [_They drink._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT SO PRETTY IN ENGLISH
+
+(_Three Friends meet at Monte Carlo._)
+
+_First Friend._ No, I'm not staying here. Just run over from Canes.
+
+_Second F._ And I from Fat.
+
+_Third F._ And I'm with my people at Chin.
+
+     [We presume the travellers referred to Cannes, Grasse, and
+     Menton.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WHITSUN HOLIDAY.
+
+(_A Page from a Modern Diary._)
+
+_Monday._--Up with the lark. Breakfast not ready. Spent my spare time in
+closing the boxes. Got the family into the train with difficulty.
+Devoted the day to travelling. Reached our destination tired out. Glad
+to get to bed.
+
+_Tuesday._--Up with the lark. Did the sights. Had no time to look at
+anything, as I had to attend to the tickets. Saw all the museums. My
+party coming out when I had got the catalogues. So managed our visits
+that there was no opportunity of discussing meals. Got back in time for
+_table d'hôte_, but preferred sleep to food. Went to bed.
+
+_Wednesday._--Up with the lark. Off again travelling. On the road all
+day. Having to fit in the corresponding trains, had no leisure for
+meals. Arrived at our new resting-place late at night. So off as quickly
+as possible to bed.
+
+_Thursday._--Up with the lark. Spent the morning in sight-seeing under
+the customary conditions. Waited upon the family. Looked after the
+catalogues and umbrellas. Food again at a discount. Dispensed with
+dinner. Glad to get to bed.
+
+_Friday._--Up with the lark. Time to return. Back again by a train. No
+food. No rest. Halfway home. Arrived in time to see the lights being put
+out. Off to bed.
+
+_Saturday._--Up with the lark. Continued my journey post-haste. Wrote up
+my diary. Find that I have got over several hundreds of miles; but for
+the life of me cannot remember anything that I have seen. Don't
+recollect any square meal. Back again, tired, and only pleased to be in
+bed.
+
+_Sunday._--Sleeping.
+
+_Monday._--Up with the lark. Recovered from my week's "rest," and glad
+to get back again to work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY A SEA-SICK PASSENGER
+
+      _MARE! Mare_!
+      Most contrary,
+  Why do you tumble so?
+      While you heave and swell
+      One can't feel well,
+  And--I think I'll go below!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR AMERICAN MILLIONAIRESSES.--
+
+"Marry, come up!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Scientific and Nervous Visitor at Country Hotel._ "I
+suppose there's no 'ptomaine' in this pie?"
+
+_Waiter_ (_equal to the occasion_). "No, sir. We never puts that in
+unless specially ordered!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DARTMOOR WAY.--_Tourist_ (_in background_). "I say!
+Percy! We'd better be going now--unless you can see anything striking
+from where you are!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_Railway Refreshment Room. Thermometer 90° in the
+Shade._
+
+_Waiter_ (_to traveller taking tea_). "Beg pardon, sir, I shouldn't
+recommend that milk, sir; leastways not for _drinking_ purposes."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HALCYON PROSPECTS.--_Romantic Bride_ (_ecstatically_).
+"Such a waste of waters almost appals me!"
+
+_Prudent Husband_ (_fondly_). "What a dear little economist it is!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tourist._ "Wasn't there a great battle fought about
+here?"
+
+_Village Dame._ "Ah, I do mind it when I were a gell, I do. They
+was----"
+
+_Tourist._ "But, my good woman, that was nearly six hundred years ago!"
+
+_Village Dame_ (_unabashed_). "Dear, dear! How time do fly!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "And she only charged eight-and-a-half guineas,
+and"--(_Interruption from Husbands._ "Isn't the view marvellous!"
+
+_General chorus in reply._ "Oh--er--_Yes!_")--"and now I simply go there
+for everything!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FRENCH AND ENGLISH (_as zey are spoke at ze country
+'ouse_).--_Hostess._ "Oh--er--j'espair ker voos avvy troovy
+votre--votre--er--er--votre _collar stud_, barrong?"
+
+_M. le Baron._ "Oh, I zank you, yes! I find 'eem on my _chest of
+trowsers_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PERAMBULATORS NOT ADMITTED
+
+A DISAPPOINTMENT. [To _perambulate_; v.n., in German, _spazieren_; in
+French, _se promener_; in Italian, _passeggiare_.]--_Johann Schmidt._
+"Ach! vat a bitty, Mister Chones! Zen ve must not go therein to
+berampulate?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Chatty Tourist._ "Beautiful specimen of a Roman camp,
+this, isn't it?"
+
+_Grim Stranger._ "_No_, sir, _no_! I decline to admit that there can be
+_any_ true beauty about anything _Roman_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO LAST WORDS TO SWITZERLAND
+
+(_By a British Tourist and Family Man_)
+
+  On Uri's lake, in Küsnacht's dell,
+  What is the thought can almost quell
+  Thy patriot memory, oh TELL?
+                          _Hotel!_
+
+  Whether by blue crevasse we reel,
+  Or list the avalanche's peal,
+  What question blends with all we feel?--
+                          _Wie Viel?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LUSUS NATURÆ
+
+_Excursion Tourist._ "Most extr'or'nary cre'char!"
+
+_Facetious Rustic._ "Ah! that a be, measter, bred on this 'ere wery
+fa-arm he wor, tew!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE.--At an hotel at Socrabaja in Java is this
+notice:--
+
+"From the hours fixed for meals on no account will be deviated. For
+damage to furniture the proprietor will avenge himself on the person
+committing the same."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TIRED NATURE."--A yawning gulf.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR BORES, NATIVE AND FOREIGN
+
+"Ach! I schbeague Enklish not vell, not vell at all! Pot, py a leadle
+bractice, I imbrove ver kvick! Vait till I haf talk to you for a gopple
+of hours, and you shall see!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SCENE AT THE "LUCULLUS"
+
+_Mrs. Blunderby._ "Now, my dear Monty, let me order the luncheon
+ar-la-fraingsy. Gassong! I wish to begin--as we always do in Paris, my
+dears--with some _chef-d'oeuvres_--you understand--some
+_chef-d'oeuvres_."
+
+    [_Emile, the waiter, is in despair. It occurs to him, however,
+    presently that the lady probably meant "Hors d'oeuvres,"
+    and acts accordingly._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A WELSH LADY
+
+(_Written at Clovelly_)
+
+  The reason why I leave unsung
+  Your praises in the Cymric tongue
+      You know, sweet Nelly;
+  You recollect your poet's crime--
+  How, when he tried to sing "the time,"
+  He made "the place" and "loved one" rhyme,
+      You and Dolgelly!
+
+  But now, although a shocking dunce,
+  I've learnt, in part, the Welsh pronunc-
+      iation deathly.
+  I dream of you in this sweet spot,
+  And for your sake I call it what
+  Its own inhabitants do not--
+      That is "Clovethly"!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT WHITBY.--_Visitor_ (_to Ancient Mariner, who has been relating his
+experiences to crowd of admirers_). Then do you mean to tell us that you
+actually reached the North Pole?
+
+_Ancient Mariner._ No, sir; that would be a perwersion of the truth. But
+I seed it a-stickin' up among the ice just as plain as you can this
+spar, which I plants in the sand. It makes me thirsty to think of that
+marvellous sight, we being as it were parched wi' cold.
+
+    [_A. M.'s distress promptly relieved by audience._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WALKING ENGLISHWOMAN ON THE ALPS
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  You who look at home so charming--
+    Angel, goddess, nothing less--
+  Do you know you're quite alarming
+          In that dress?
+
+  Such a garb should be forbidden;
+    Where's the grace an artist loves?
+  Think of dainty fingers hidden
+          In those gloves!
+
+  Gloves! A housemaid would not wear them,
+    Shapeless, brown and rough as sacks,
+  Thick! And yet you often tear them
+          With that axe!
+
+  Worst of all, unblacked, unshiny--
+    Greet them with derisive hoots--
+  Clumsy, huge! For feet so tiny!
+          Oh, those boots!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_Verandah of Swiss Hotel_
+
+_Brown_ (_finishing very lengthy account of Alpine adventure_).
+
+"And then, Miss Jones, then, just as dawn was breaking, I heard the
+voices of the guides above me, and I knew that I was saved--actually
+saved! My feelings, as I realised this, may be more easily imagined than
+described!"
+
+_Miss Jones_ (_fervently_). "Thank Heaven!"
+
+    [_And Brown fondly imagined she was alluding to his escape_.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CAUTIOUS
+
+_Visitor_ (_at out-of-the-way Inn in the North_). "Do you know anything
+about salmon-poaching in the neighbourhood?"
+
+_Landlady_ (_whose son is not above suspicion_). "Eh--no, sir. Maybe
+it's a new style of cooking as we haven't heard of in these parts, as
+you see, sir, we only do our eggs that way; and"--(_brightening
+up_)--"if you like 'em, I can get you a dish at once!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SEVEN AGES OF LUGGAGE
+
+_Baby._ Perambulator, bottle, robe, fingerless gloves and woollen shoes.
+
+_Schoolboy._ Bat, ball, and aids to education.
+
+_Lover._ Guitar, music-book, writing materials, and fur-lined overcoat.
+
+_Justice._ Capon in basket, robes, and treatise upon ancient saws and
+modern instances.
+
+_Soldier._ Sword, uniform case, standard work upon Reputation.
+
+_Pantaloon._ Sausages, property red-hot poker, costume of motley,
+slippers and spectacle case.
+
+_Veteran._ Travels without luggage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GREAT TRAVELLER.--Dr. Watts was evidently in the habit of making
+pedestrian excursions on the Continent, for in one of his noblest lines,
+he expressly says--
+
+     "Whene'er I take my walks abroad."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INNOCENT ABROAD.--You are misled in your view that the _Cours de
+Cuisine_, mentioned in the prospectus of a French school, means the run
+of the kitchen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE SWISS HIGHLANDS.--_Brown._ "This is rather a
+pretty figure. You start on the left foot, cut a drop three--then----"
+(_Bump_)
+
+_Little Girl_ (_unmoved_). "Oh, _that's_ why it's called a drop three,
+Mr. Brown!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Photographer_ (_on tour, absent-mindedly_). "Now smile,
+please!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE CELESTIAL RESTAURANT.--_Customer_ (_indignantly_). Hi! waiter,
+what do you call this soup?
+
+_Waiter_ (_meekly_). I not know, sir, but ze padrone tell me to describe
+'im Cockstail!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Traveller_ (_snap-shotting tropical river, suddenly
+confronted by hippopotamus_). "Just keep like that one moment, please!"
+(_Rapturously_) "Such a delightful expression!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE BY OUR TRAVELLER--At a station on the Elham Valley Line, "Kentish
+Pianos" are advertised. Are these adapted for playing only dance tunes,
+and therefore specially serviceable in a "Hop" county?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EASTER HOLIDAYS
+
+(_By One who has tried them_)
+
+Must really decide where to go for five or six days at Easter. Weather
+always awful. Usual Springtime. North-east wind, frost, snow and dust.
+Something like last week. Can't stop in London. One Sunday or Bank
+Holiday in London mournful enough. But four of them consecutively!
+Impossible!
+
+Innocent persons go to the south coast of England, thinking that fifty
+miles nearer the equator one is in quite a different climate.
+Bournemouth? Bosh! All sandy dust and depressing invalids. Torquay?
+Twaddle! Probably rain all the time, if not snow. England no good.
+Scotland or Ireland? Worse!
+
+Must go, as people say vaguely, "abroad." How about Paris? North-east
+wind, frost, snow and dust, worse than here. Streets windy, theatres
+draughty, cafés and restaurants suffocating. Brussels? Nothing but rain.
+Aix-les-Bains? Probably snow. Nice? That might do. No frost or snow,
+but very likely a north-east wind and certainly lots of dust. Besides,
+thirty hours' journey out and thirty hours' journey back, would only
+leave about sixty hours there. No good. Rome, Seville, Constantinople,
+Cairo? Still farther. Should have to leave on the return journey before
+I arrived. Where can I go to at Easter to be warm and comfortable,
+without so much trouble? I know. To bed!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REGARDLESS OF THE TEMPERATURE.--_Facetious Australian_ (_off Calshot
+Castle, to indisposed friend_). What arm of the sea reminds one of a
+borrowed boot?
+
+_The "I. F."_ (_feebly_). Give it--anything--up.
+
+_F. A._ Why, the _Sole-lent_, to be sure.
+
+    [_The "I. F." is promptly carried below._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT BATH.--_Wiffling_ (_sympathetically_). Here on account of the waters?
+
+_Piffling._ No, unhappily. Here on account of the whiskies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A QUESTION OF THE HOUR."--Asking a railway porter the time of the next
+train's departure for your holiday resort.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Scene--_The Summit of Vesuvius_
+
+_American Tourist_ (_to the world at large_). "Great snakes, it reminds
+me of hell!"
+
+_English Tourist._ "My dear, how these Americans _do_ travel!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Friend_ (_below_). "All you've got to do when I throw
+you the rope is to make it fast to that projection over your head, and
+lower yourself down!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE CHURCH-GOING BELL"
+
+Sunday morning, coast of Norway. (_By our Yachting Artist._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Parson._ "Yes, on one occasion I married four couples in
+a quarter of an hour. Quick work, wasn't it?"
+
+_Nautical Young Lady._ "Yes, rather! Sixteen knots an hour!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MY AIRSHIP
+
+     [_The poet is being piloted on his aerial flight by a prosaic
+     mechanician. It is to the latter that the interpolations are due._]
+
+  Thou elfin Puck, thou child of master mind!
+  (Look out! the ballast's slipping off behind.)
+  Thou swanlike Siren of the blue sublime!
+  (Screw up that nut, and never mind the rhyme.)
+
+  Thine 'tis to fathom Æther's highest pole!
+  (This wind will fairly get us in a hole.)
+  Thine to explore the azure-vaulted dome!
+  (I wonder how the deuce we're going home.)
+
+  Up, up, thou speedest, flaunting, flaunting high,
+  Thy glist'ring frame emblazon'd 'gainst the sky;
+  And myriad-minded fancies still pursue
+  Thy gliding--(Blow! the anchor's fouled the screw!)
+
+  Thou stormy petrel, kissing heaven's height,
+  (Petrol! The rotten stuff declines to light)
+  Onward thou soarest o'er the City's dust
+  Shimmering, triumphant. (Gad! The motor's bust!)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ Give the French for "a policeman's beat." _A._ _Un tour de Force._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ What is the difference between a traveller and a popular vegetable?
+
+_A._ One has been abroad and the other's a broad bean.
+
+    [_Exit Querier rapidly._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE AMERICAN RUSH.--_American Tourist._ "Say, how long
+will it take to see over the ruins?"
+
+_Caretaker._ "About an hour, sir."
+
+_American Tourist._ "And how long will it take you to tell us about
+it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Is this your favourite view, poppa darling?"
+
+"Why, certainly. But--ahem!--I prefer it _unframed_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COLD COMFORT.--_Visitor to the West Indies_ (_who has
+been warned against bathing in the river because of alligators, but has
+been told by the boatman that there are none at the river's mouth_). "By
+jove, this is ripping! But, I say, how do you know there are no
+alligators here?"
+
+_Boatman._ "Well, you see, sah, de alligator am so turr'ble feared ob de
+shark!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVER THE SEA.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I read that two new cures for sea sickness have just
+been discovered: the one the eating of bananas; the other, found out by
+Professor Heinz, of Erlangen, who declares that the malady proceeds from
+the lobe of the brain, and that to avert it one has only to breathe
+freely. As to the Professor's theory about breathing freely, I can
+safely assert that I never open my mouth so wide as when crossing the
+Channel, but the experiment is an unpleasant failure.
+
+  Your obedient servant,
+
+  DIONYSIUS DABELRISK.
+
+  _Peckham Rye._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE GRAND HOTEL, PARIS.--_Blithers_ (_of romantic turn of mind, to
+Smithers, after observing a young couple in close conversation in the
+court yard_). I'm sure they're engaged. I heard her call him Harry!
+
+_Smithers_ (_a matter-of-fact man_). What of that? I call my housemaid
+Emily! He's most probably her footman.
+
+    [_Smithers calls for absinthe._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WELL MEANT, BUT----. _Motorist_ (_with heated
+cylinders_). "Where can I get some water?"
+
+_Rustic._ "There beant noo watter hereaboots--but ye can have a sup at
+my tea!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A difficult pass]
+
+[Illustration: A kneesy climb]
+
+[Illustration: A smiling valley]
+
+[Illustration: A magnificent gorge]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY THE SILVER SEA.--_Seaside. Tripper--none too clean in
+appearance--charters bathing machine. Smart-looking schoolboy_ (_about
+to enter next machine_), _loq._ I say, ma, I wish that dirty fellow
+wouldn't bathe here.
+
+_Mamma._ Why, Tommy? If people of that sort were to bathe, they'd be as
+clean as you, you know.
+
+_Tommy_ (_eyeing Tripper closely_). Not in once, mamma!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN APPRECIATION
+
+(_Train entering Venice_)
+
+_Fair American._ "Waal, I guess this is where the Adriatic slops over!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUMMER RESORTS
+
+DREARDON-CUM-SLOOZE.
+
+Spring weather, in pleasing variety of sun and snow-shower, now prevails
+in this highly fla--favoured locality. Mr. Josiah Jorker, Chairman of
+the Rural District Council here, has bought four black Berkshire pigs,
+and to lean over the yard gate and inspect them is now a regular
+afternoon occupation. Discussion as to their merits runs high amongst
+our local magnates. Situate as this health-giving village is, it offers
+to the tired brain-worker complete rest, as there is no railway station
+within six miles, and only the day-before-yesterday's newspaper is
+obtainable.
+
+CHAWBOODLECUM.
+
+A fine bracing N.E. wind has dried the roads, and, amongst the aged and
+sick, made a clearance, thoroughly in accord with the "survival of the
+fittest" doctrine. Trade has never been more brisk with the local
+undertaker and the much-respected sexton. The cricket club opens its
+season to-day with a match against the neighbouring village of Sludgely.
+A "Sing-Song," or "Free and Easy," is held every Saturday night at the
+"Pig and Puppy-Dog," at which well-known hostelry visitors can find
+every accommodation.
+
+SLACKINGTON.
+
+In this genial and mild air, where a steady, gentle rain falls on very
+nearly every day in the year, the Londoner, fleeing from the trying east
+winds of Spring, may find a welcome refuge. It is quite a pretty sight
+on Sundays to watch the people with their different coloured waterproofs
+stream out of church. There is a rumour that the present supply of cabs
+will shortly be augmented by one, if not two, fresh vehicles. On Monday
+last a German band played a charming selection of music in the market
+place, and there was a dog-fight in the High Street.
+
+PORKBURY.
+
+This charming spot only requires to be known, to insure plenty of
+patronage from visitors. The new pump is being pushed forward rapidly,
+and the Vicar intends to hold jumble sales once a week throughout the
+summer. This, in itself, will, it is expected, prove a great attraction.
+
+Police-Constable Slummers, whose urbanity and great consideration for
+the inhabitants (especially on Saturday nights) have always been so
+conspicuous, is about to leave, and some of the more prominent townsmen
+have taken the opportunity of marking their sense of his valuable
+services by presenting him with a handsome pewter pot, engraved with his
+name and the date.
+
+A piano-organist now regularly attends the weekly market, and his music
+is greatly appreciated by those engaged in buying and selling.
+
+At the Farmer's Eighteenpenny Ordinary, last week, Mr. Chumpjaw stated
+that his mangolds were "the whackin'est big 'uns" grown in the county.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT BOULOGNE.--_Mrs. Sweetly_ (_on her honeymoon_). Isn't it funny,
+Archibald, to see so many foreigners about? And all talking French!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PATRON SAINT OF MESSRS. COOK.--St. Martin of "Tours."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Englishman_ (_to friend_). "There goes that awful liar,
+who says he has climbed everything under the sun."
+
+_Friend._ "Don't call him a liar. Rather say he has a great talent for
+exaggerating things that never happened."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PLEASANT UNCERTAINTY.--_Gigantic Guide._ "Ze last party
+zat was 'ere--no one knew whezzer zey _shumped_ over or was _thrown_
+over!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SLIGHT "MALONGTONGDEW"
+
+_Angelina._ "There are to be illuminations and fireworks, and they're to
+finish up with an 'ombrasmong général.' What can that be?"
+
+_Edwin._ "Well, 'ombasser' means to 'kiss'; so I suppose it means a kind
+of a sort of a general kissing all round."
+
+_Angelina._ "Horrid idea! I won't go near the place, and I'm sure you
+shan't, Edwin!"
+
+    [Our readers, who know French better than E. and A., are aware that
+    embrasement, with only one "s," has a totally different meaning.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HONEYMOONING IN PARIS.--_Mrs. Jones._ "Am I not an
+expensive little wifie?"
+
+_Jones_ (_who has spent the morning and a small fortune at the Magasin
+du Louvre_). "Well, you _are_ a little dear!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUID PRO QUO.--_Madame Gaminot._ "Oh yes, Monsieur Jones,
+J'_adore_ les Anglais! Zey understand bisnesse! For example, zey pay me
+sixty pound--fifteen 'undred franc--to sing 'La Blanchisseuse du
+Tambour-Major' at a evening party! It seem a great deal! But zey laugh,
+and zey say, 'Oh, sharmong! Oh, ravissong!' and it mek everybody sink
+zat everybody else know French--it almost mek zem sink zat zey know it
+zemselfs!!! Ça vaut bien quinze cents francs, j'espère!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tourist_ (_at small Irish inn, miles from anywhere_).
+"Look here, what does this mean? I left my boots out last night, and
+they haven't been touched."
+
+_Landlord_ (_with honest pride_). "Thrue for ye, sorr! An' begorr', if
+ye'd left your _gowld watch an' chain_ out, div'l a sowl wud 'a touched
+them nayther!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: 'ARRY ABROAD.--_Guide._ "Monsieur finds eet a vairy
+eenteresting old place, ees eet not?" _'Arry_ (_who will speak French_).
+"Pas demi!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY THE SILVER SEA
+
+DRAINSMOUTH.
+
+This popular health resort is now filled to over-flowing. The
+entertainments on the pier include animated photographs of a procession
+to the Woking Crematorium, and other cheerful and interesting subjects.
+The smells of the harbour may still be enjoyed to perfection at low
+water.
+
+SHRIMPLEY.
+
+The question of mixed bathing here has at length been set at rest by the
+Town Council issuing an order that nobody is to bathe at all. A decision
+so impartial as between the rival factions cannot fail to give
+satisfaction to all except the captious. Professor De Bach, with his
+performing dogs, gives an exhibition twice each day at the Pier
+Pavilion.
+
+LODGINGTON-ON-SEA.
+
+Warm and sunny weather still continues in this favoured spot. People
+wait half the morning for a bathing-machine and then look rather
+disappointed when they get it. The Simperton-Swaggeringtons arrived
+yesterday, travelling first-class from the junction, two miles off (up
+to which point they had come third). This has excited some unfavourable
+comment in the town.
+
+SMELLINGTON-SUPER-MARE.
+
+Large numbers of tripp--visitors, I mean, continue to pour into the town
+from Saturdays to Mondays, benefiting greatly by their small change. The
+lodging-house keepers also derive considerable benefit from their (the
+visitors') small change, especially when left lying about on the
+mantelpiece. No one could complain of dulness here now, for as I write,
+twenty-three barrel-organs, eleven troupes of nigger minstrels and four
+blind beggars with fiddles are amusing and delighting their listeners on
+the sands. The place is thoroughly lively, hardly an hour of the day
+passing without at least two street rows between inebriated
+excursionists taking place. The police force has been doubled, and the
+magistrates have given notice that, for the future, they will give no
+"option," and that all sentences for assaults in the streets will be
+with hard labour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PHILOLOGICAL.--_First English Groom_ (_new to Paris_).
+"And the French gent as he drives round the corner, he pulls up quick,
+and calls out 'Woa!'"
+
+_Second ditto_ (_who has been in Paris some time_). "He couldn't have
+said _'Woa!'_ as there ain't no 'W' in French."
+
+_First ditto._ "No 'W' in French? Then 'ow d'yer spell 'wee'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Alarming appearance of a harmless guana just as he has
+found a nice corner of Sydney Harbour for a sketch.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Townmouse takes lodgings for his family at a
+farmhouse in a remote district. Delightful spot; but they weren't so
+well off for butcher's meat as they could wish.
+
+_Farmer._ "Now, if your lady 'ud like some nice pork--Oh! she does like
+pork?--Well, then, we shall kill a pig the week arter next."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NICE PROSPECT.--_Traveller_ (_benighted in the Black
+Country_). "Not a bed-room disengaged! Tut-t-t-t!"
+
+_Landlady_ (_who is evidently in the coal business as well_). "Oh, we'll
+accommodate you somehow, sir, if me and my 'usband gives you up our own
+bed, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--_Professor
+Chatterleigh._ "By George! I'm so hungry I can't _talk!_"
+
+_Fair Hostess_ (_on hospitable thoughts intent_). "Oh, I'm _so_ glad!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ÆSTHETICS
+
+_Indiscreet Sister._ "Why, Harry, your legs are getting more
+_Chippendale_ than ever!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE JOYS OF TOURING
+
+_Traveller._ "I say, your razor's pulling most confoundedly!"
+
+_Local Torturer._ "Be it, zur? Wull, 'old on tight to the chair, an'
+we'll get it off zummow!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHEERING.--_First Artist_ (_on a pedestrian tour_). "Can
+you tell which is the best inn in Baconhurst?"
+
+_Rustic_ (_bewildered_). "Dunno."
+
+_Second Artist_ (_tired_). "But we can get beds there, I suppose? Where
+do travellers generally go?"
+
+_Rustic._ "Go to the union moostly!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MIND AND MATTER-OF-FACT
+
+_Cotton-Man_ (_fro' Shoddydale_). "What dun yo' co' that wayter?"
+
+_Coachman._ "Ah, ain't it beautiful? That's Grassmere Lake, that is----"
+
+_Cotton-Man._ "Yo' co'n 'um all la-akes an' meres i' these pa-arts. We
+co'n 'um rezzer-voyers where ah com' fro'!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Would the epigrammatic translation of "_sede vacanti_" as "Not well and
+gone away for a holiday" be accepted by an examiner?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WINTER RESORT FOR BRONCHIALLY-AFFECTED PERSONS.--Corfe Castle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor._ "And so you've never been to London! Oh, but
+you must go. It's quite an easy journey, you know."
+
+_Gaffer Stokes._ "Ah, Oi'd main loike to see Lunnon, Oi wud. Reckon Oi
+must go afore Oi'm done for. _Now which moight be their busy day there,_
+mister?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO INTENDING TOURISTS--"Where shall we go?" All depends on the "coin of
+'vantage." Switzerland? Question of money. Motto.--_"Point d'argent
+point de Suisse."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCENE--_On the Quay. Ocean liner's syren fog-horn emitting short,
+sharp grunts._
+
+_Little Girl._ Oh, mamma, that _poor_ ship must have a drefful pain in
+its cabin!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WASTED SYMPATHY.--SCENE--_Interior of Railway Carriage. Lady_ (_to
+gentleman who has just entered and is placing one of his fellow
+passenger's bags on the floor where there is a hot-water bottle_). Oh!
+Excuse me, sir, but, _please_ don't put _that_ near the hot-water
+bottle. I've got a little bird in the bag.
+
+_Elderly Gentleman_ (_who is an enthusiastic Anti-Vivisectionist and
+prominent member of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals_).
+Good Heavens, madam! a bird in there! Please consider! How cruel! how
+inhuman! how----(_gasps for words_).
+
+_Lady._ Not at all, my dear sir. _It's a roast partridge, cold, for
+lunch._
+
+    [_Collapse of Enthusiast._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNPLEASANTLY SUGGESTIVE NAMES OF "CURE" PLACES ABROAD.--_Bad Gastein._
+Which must be worse than the first day's sniff at Bad-Eggs-la-Chapelle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROTATORY KNIFE (AND FORK) MACHINES.--Pullman dining cars.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LINE WHICH IS OFTEN DRAWN.--The Equator.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THOROUGH BUT NOT PEDANTIC. (_Overheard at the
+Louvre._)--_American Tourist_ (_suspiciously_). "Say, guide, haven't we
+seen this room before?"
+
+_Guide._ "Oh no, monsieur."
+
+_Tourist._ "Well, see here. We want to see everything, but we don't want
+to see anything twice!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MODERN ACCOMPLISHMENTS.--_Captain Brown_ (_narrating his
+trip to the Continent_). "Then, of course, we ran down to Granada, and
+saw the Alhambra----"
+
+_Captain Jinks_ (_untravelled athlete_). "No!! What, have they got one
+there too!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FILIAL ANXIETY. "Going to Paris to-morrow, Tom!"
+
+"How's that?"
+
+"My poor old governor's taken ill there!"
+
+"Going by Dieppe or Boulogne?"
+
+"Rather think I shall go _via Monaco_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERDOING IT
+
+_Sympathiser._ "Sorry you look so seedy after your holiday, old chap!"
+
+_Too Energetic Sight-seer._ "Well, I am a bit done up, but the doctor
+says that with rest and great care I may be well enough to have a
+run-round as usual next year."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gushing Young Lady_ (_to Mr. Dunk, who has just returned
+from Rome_). "They say, Mr. Dunk, that when one sets foot in Rome for
+the first time, one experiences a profound feeling of awe. The chaos of
+ruined grandeur, the magnificent associations, seem too much for one to
+grasp. Tell me, oh tell me, Mr. Dunk, what did _you_ think of it all?"
+
+_Mr. Dunk_ (_deliberately, after considering awhile_). "_Very_ nice!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Carry your trunk, sir?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE.--_Miss Tomboy._ Mamma, I think those French women
+were beastly rude.
+
+_Mother._ You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong.
+And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?
+
+_Miss Tomboy._ Well, they _were_ rude. They called me a little cabbage
+(_mon petit chou_). The next time they do that I shall call them old
+French beans.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TOURIST SEASON. HOTEL BRIGANDAGE]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DE GUSTIBUS----
+
+  I am an unadventurous man,
+  And always go upon the plan
+  Of shunning danger where I can.
+
+  And so I fail to understand
+  Why every year a stalwart band
+  Of tourists go to Switzerland,
+
+  And spend their time for several weeks,
+  With quaking hearts and pallid cheeks,
+  Scaling abrupt and windy peaks.
+
+  In fact, I'm old enough to find
+  Climbing of almost any kind
+  Is very little to my mind.
+
+  A mountain summit white with snow
+  Is an attractive sight, I know,
+  But why not see it _from below_?
+
+  Why leave the hospitable plain
+  And scale Mont Blanc with toil and pain
+  Merely to scramble down again?
+
+  Some men pretend they think it bliss
+  To clamber up a precipice
+  Or dangle over an abyss,
+
+  To crawl along a mountain side,
+  Supported by a rope that's tied,
+  --Not too securely--to a guide;
+
+  But such pretences, it is clear,
+  In the aspiring mountaineer
+  Are usually insincere.
+
+  And many a climber, I'll be bound,
+  Whom scarped and icy crags surround,
+  Wishes himself on level ground.
+
+  So I, for one, do not propose,
+  To cool my comfortable toes
+  In regions of perpetual snows,
+
+  As long as I can take my ease,
+  Fanned by a soothing southern breeze,
+  Under the shade of English trees.
+
+  And anyone who leaves my share
+  Of English fields and English air
+  May take the Alps for aught I care!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPORT MOST APPROPRIATE TO THE LOCALITY.--Shooting pigeons at Monte
+Carlo.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PLEASURE À LA RUSSE.--_Q._ When does a Russian give a Polish peasant a
+holiday?
+
+_A._ When he gives him _a kn_outing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CRY OF THE HOLIDAY-LOVING CLERK.--"Easterward Ho!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISH THAT DISAGREES WITH MOST PERSONS WHEN TRAVELLING.--The Chops of
+the Channel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREATEST BORE IN CREATION.--The Simplon Tunnel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The Brown family resolve to spend their vacation each
+after his own fashion, instead of _en famille_.
+
+Jack took his motor car of course.
+
+Maud and Ethel started on a Biking Tour.
+
+Pater preferred "Cooks".
+
+"My Dear Sir, I tell you there is not a city in the whole of Europe that
+is a patch upon Florence. Why I found the finest English chemists there
+that I have come across in all my travels."
+
+Mater had "quiet time" in Devonshire.
+
+Bob went canoeing.
+
+While Mary Ann says 'Give me good ole Margit'.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ANTIQUARY.--_Tourist_ (_in Cornwall_). "May I be
+permitted to examine that interesting stone in your field? These ancient
+Druidical remains are most interesting!"
+
+_Farmer._ "Sart'nly, sir. 'May be very int'restin' an' arnshunt, but we
+do stick 'em oup for the cattle, an' call 'em roubbin' pusts!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Smithson, having read and heard much of the pleasures of
+a driving tour, determines to indulge in that luxury during his
+Whitsuntide holidays. He therefore engages a trap, with a horse that can
+"get over the ground," and securing the services of an experienced
+driver, he sets forth._
+
+_Smithson._ "A--a--isn't he--a--a--hadn't I better help you to pull at
+him?"
+
+_Driver._ "Pull at 'im? Why yer'd set 'im crazed! Jist you let me keep
+is 'ead straight. Lor' bless yer, there ain't no cause to be affeared,
+as long as we don't meet nothing, and the gates ain't shut at
+Splinterbone crossing, jist round the bend."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Stout Party._ "Is this path safe?"
+
+_Flippant Youth._ "Yes, the path is--but I can't answer for _you_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Will you 'urry up paintin' that tree, sir? Cause I'm
+goin' to cut it down in a quarter of an hour."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tourist_ (_in search of "the unique," after admiring old
+cottage_). "Is there anything else to look at in the village?"
+
+_Village Dame._ "Lor' bless 'ee, why there's the beautiful new
+recr'ation ground as we've just 'ad made!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PASTORAL REBUKE.--_First Pedestrian_ (_they've lost
+their way_), "Look here. This must be the east, mustn't it? There's the
+chancel window--that's always east; then the south must be----"
+
+_High-Church Priest_ (_"turning up" suddenly out of the vestry_), "I beg
+your pardon, gentlemen, but I can't allow my church to be used for a
+secular purpose. You'll find an unconsecrated weathercock on the barn
+yonder!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor._ "Will you tell me where I shall find a seat?"
+
+_Verger._ "Weel, sir, there's a guid wheen veesitors in Inverness the
+noo: so sit whaur ye can see yer umbrella!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIPS FOR TRAVELLERS
+
+Toddlekins is anxious to take his family to Mars this summer, and
+inquires where he can hire a speedy balloon for the purpose. He is
+anxious to know whether he can obtain golf there, and also whether the
+roads are good for bicycling. He is recommended to apply for information
+to the Astronomer-Royal. But why should Toddlekins trouble to go so far
+afield? He would be sure to find congenial society in the neighbourhood
+of Hanwell, and by selecting this spot as his destination, the expense
+of a return ticket would be saved.
+
+ANXIOUS MOTHER.--So glad that you intend taking your dear ten children
+to Poppleton-on-Sea for three weeks' change of air. And all that you
+tell me about Timothy's pet rabbit and Selina's last attack of measles
+is so deeply interesting. Unfortunately I cannot answer all your
+questions myself, but I will print them here, so that some of my kind
+readers may be able to assist you. You want to know, in regard to
+Poppleton--
+
+(1) Whether the pavements (if any) are stone or asphalte.
+
+(2) What is the mean temperature, the annual rain-fall, and the
+death-rate.
+
+(3) What are the Rector's "views," and if there is a comfortable pew in
+the church, out of draughts, calculated to hold eleven.
+
+(4) What time the shops at Poppleton close on Saturdays.
+
+DUBIOUS.--As you say, it _is_ difficult to make up one's mind where to
+spend the holidays, because there are so many places from which to
+choose. And you were so wise to write and ask me to give you the name of
+one single place which I could thoroughly recommend, and so save you all
+further worry. How about Brighton, Hastings, Eastbourne, Bexhill,
+Seaford, Cowes, Weymouth, Exmouth, Penzance, Lynton, or Tenby? I am
+delighted to give you this real and valuable help!
+
+PICNIC-PARTY.--You have my full sympathy. It is most churlish of
+riparian owners to refuse to allow strangers to land on their property.
+Fancy any one objecting to having his lawn covered with broken bottles
+and paper bags!
+
+OWNER.--I feel deeply for you. The way in which trippers on the river
+invade riverside gardens is outrageous. The bags and pieces of glass
+they leave about must be a gross disfigurement to your lawn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INTRODUCTION MADE EASY.--_Invalid-Chair Attendant._ "If
+you should have a fancy for any partickler party, I can easily bump
+'em."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Miss Binns_ (_breathless, hurrying to catch London train
+after week-end trip_). "Can you please tell me the _exact_ time?"
+
+_Old Salt._ "'Alf ebb."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MOUNTAIN RAMBLER
+
+(_By a Returned Traveller_)
+
+  I've scanned and penned an Ode on
+  Thy snowy glories, Snowdon
+  My honeymoon with Helen,
+  Was spent near "dark" Helvellyn,
+  Afar from all the _beau monde_
+  I've rambled round Ben Lomond,
+  At noontide on Ben Nevis,
+  I've roved and read _Sir Bevis_,
+  I've stretched each tired thin limb on
+  Thy summit, O Plinlimmon,
+  And once I tore my breeks
+  On Macgillycuddy's Reeks.
+    Those glorious mountain scalps,
+  The tiptops of the Alps,
+  I've seen--their pines and passes,
+  Their glaciers and crevasses--
+  With fools, philosophers and wits,
+  I've scrambled up the Ortler Spitz,
+  Made sketches on St. Gothard,
+  Like Turner and like Stothard,
+  And with my _cara sposa_
+  Ascended Monte Rosa:
+  But not content with Europe,
+  I've roamed with staff and new rope
+  As far away as Ararat,
+  Where _savants_ say there's ne'er a rat;
+  The Kuen Lun and Thian Shan
+  I know as well as any man;
+  I've boiled my evening kettle
+  On Popocatapetl,
+  And on the highest Andes
+  I've sodas mixed and brandies;
+  I've slumbered snug and cosey
+  On silvery Potosi;
+  I've stood on Peter Botto,
+  A rather lonely spot;
+  And--crowning feat of all
+  My mountaineerings on this ball--
+  I've smoked--O weed for ever blest!
+  My pipe upon Mount Everest.
+    And now my ramble's over,
+  Here's Shakspeare's Cliff and Dover!
+  All Alpine risks and chances,
+  All Ultramontane fancies,
+  I've put away and done with;
+  I'll stay my wife and son with,
+  And never more will roam
+  From Primrose Hill and home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.--_Visitor to the District_ (_who has
+missed his way_). "Can you tell me, my good man, if I shall pass the
+'Red Lion' inn along this road?"
+
+_The Village Toper._ "Oi wouldn't like to be saying wut a gen'leman
+loike ye wud be doin'; but Oi'm parfect sartin Oi shouldn't!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUEEN'S HOTEL, AMBLESIDE, 3 O'CLOCK, A.M.--"Tom!" (_No
+response._) "I say, Tom!" (_No answer._) "Tom!" (_A muffled grunt._)
+"Tom--Fire!"
+
+"Eh? What? What do you say?"
+
+"I say Tom, do you think your key will fit my bag?"
+
+"_No_--'t won't--Chubb!"
+
+    [_Objurgations, and midnight disturber retires._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR COMPATRIOTS ABROAD.--"And how did you like
+Switzerland?"
+
+"Oh, immensely! It was our first visit, you know!"
+
+"And did you go on into Italy?"
+
+"Well, no. We found a hotel at Lausanne where there was a first-rate
+tennis-lawn, you know--quite as good as ours at home. So we spent the
+whole of our holiday there, and played lawn-tennis all day long."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY
+
+_The Professor_ (_who has just come back from the North Pole)._ "----
+and the fauna of these inhospitable regions is as poor as the flora! You
+couldn't name a dozen animals who manage to live there."
+
+_Mrs. Malapert._ "Oh--I dare say I could!"
+
+_The Professor._ "Really--what _are_ they?"
+
+_Mrs. Malapert._ "Well, now--five polar bears, let us say, and--and
+seven seals!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Traveller._ "Can we have beds here to-night?"
+
+_Obliging Hostess._ "Oh, yes, sir."
+
+_First Traveller._ "Have you--er--any--er--_insects_ in this house?"
+
+_Obliging Hostess._ "No, sir. _But we can get you some!"_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_to her travelling companion, who has just had
+his finger-nail pinched badly_). "How horrid! I always think anything
+wrong with one's nails sets one's teeth on edge all down one's back!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NEARING THE ENGLISH COAST
+
+_Jones._ (_Returning to England_). "We are quite fifty miles from the
+Scilly Isles, Miss Brown. They say the odour of the flowers they
+cultivate there travels that distance over the sea. I can detect it
+distinctly now--can't you?"
+
+_Miss Brown_ (_from America_). "I guess it hasn't _quite_ reached me
+yet, Mr. Jones!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON A CERTAIN CONDESCENSION IN FOREIGNERS.--_He._ "Oh,
+you're from America, are you? People often say to me, 'Don't you dislike
+Americans?' But I always say 'I believe there are some very nice ones
+among them.'"
+
+_She._ "Ah, I dare say there _may_ be two or three nice people amongst
+millions!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR COUNTRYMEN ABROAD.--_Mr. Shoddy._ "_I_ always say,
+Mrs. Sharp, that I never feel really safe from the ubiquitous British
+snob till I am south of the Danube!"
+
+_Mrs. Sharp_ (_innocently_). "And what do the--a--_South Danubians_ say,
+Mr. Shoddy?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Waiter._ "Did you ring, Sir?"
+
+_Traveller_ (_as a gentle hint to previous arrival_). "_Another fire_,
+waiter!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Smith._ "Oh, I was wondering whether you and your
+husband would care to accompany our party to Hadrian's Villa to-morrow?"
+
+_Young American Bride._ "Why, yes; we'd just love to go. George and I
+will be furnishing as soon as we get back to Noo York, and maybe we'd be
+able to pick up a few notions over at this villa."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNANSWERABLE
+
+_Pompous Magnate_ (_making speech at public luncheon in provincial
+town_). "Speaking of travel reminds me how greatly I have admired the
+scenery round Lake Geneva, and also what pleasant times I have spent in
+the neighbourhood of Lake Leman."
+
+_Cultured Neighbour_ (_in audible whisper_). "Pardon me, but the two
+places are synonymous."
+
+_P. M._ (_patronisingly_). "Ah! So _you_ may think, sir--so _you_ may
+think! But, from my point of view, I consider Lake Geneva to be far the
+most synonymous of the two."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "IT'S AN ILL WIND," &c.--"Oh, papa! what _do_ you think?
+Four out of our twelve boxes are missing."
+
+"Hurrah! By George! that's the best piece of news I've had for a long
+time."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EPICURE.--"Oh, George, I'm ashamed of you--rubbing
+your lips like that, after that dear little French girl has given you a
+kiss!"
+
+"I'm not rubbing it _out_, mammy--I'm rubbing it _in_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COWES WEEK EXPERIENCE
+
+_Monday._--Dear old Bluewater--what a good fellow he is!--asks me to
+join his yacht, the _Sudden Jerk_, for Cowes week. Never been yachting
+before.
+
+_Tuesday._--Arrive Ryde Pier, correctly (I hope) "got up"; blue serge,
+large brass anchor buttons, and peaked cap. Fancy Bluewater rather
+surprised to see how _au fait_ I am at nautical dress. "Ah! my dear
+fellow, delighted to see you. Come along; the gig is lying alongside the
+steps. One of the hands" (why "hands"?) "shall look to your traps." We
+scramble into gig and are rowed out to 50-ton yawl. Climb up side.
+Bluewater says, "Come below. Take care--two steps down, then turn round
+and---- Oh! by Jove! what a crack you've caught your head. Never mind,
+old boy, you'll soon get accustomed to it." Devoutly hope I shall _not_
+get accustomed to knocking my head. Arrive at foot of "companion" (why
+"companion"?) stairs. Bluewater pulls aside curtains and says, "_There_
+you are!" Reply, "Oh! yes, there I am. Er--is--do you lie on the
+shelf--oh! berth, is it!--beg pardon--or underneath it?" He explains.
+"You'll find it very jolly, you know; you can lie in your bunk, and look
+right up the companion to the sky above." "Oh! awfully jolly," I say.
+We repair on deck. Get under weigh to run down to Cowes. Dear old
+Bluewater very active. Pulls at ropes and things, shouting
+"leggo-your-spinach-and-broom,"[A] and other unintelligible war-cries.
+Stagger across deck. Breeze very fresh. "Lee oh!" shouts Bluewater;
+"mind the broom!"--or it might have been boom--and next moment am
+knocked flat on my back by enormous pole.
+
+Arrive Cowes. Crowd of yachts. Drop anchor for night. Go below, damp
+face in tiny iron basin; yacht lurches and rolls all the water out over
+new white shoes. Enter saloon, tripping over some one's kit-bag at the
+door. Try to save myself by clutching at swing-table, which upsets and
+empties soup tureen all over my trousers. Retire, change, return. Host
+and I sit down and proceed to chase fried soles backwards and forwards
+across treacherous swing-table. "_Now_, my dear fellow isn't this
+jolly? Isn't this worth all your club dinners?" Reply "Oh, yes,"
+enthusiastically. Privately, should prefer club in London. Weather gets
+worse. Try to smoke. Don't seem to care for smoking, somehow. Feel
+depressed, and ask dear old Bluewater to describe a sailor's grave.
+Tries to cheer me up by saying, "Don't waste the precious moments, my
+friend, on such sad subjects. You are not born to fill a seaman's grave.
+There's a class of man not born to be drowned, you know." Then he laughs
+heartily. Try to smile; fail. Pitching and rocking motion increases.
+Retire early and lie down on shelf. Fall off twice. Manage to reach
+perch again. Weather gets worse. Shall never sleep with noise of
+trampling on deck and waves washing yacht's sides. Shall never----
+Sudden misgiving. _Am_ I going to be----? Oh! no, must be passing
+dizziness. It cannot possibly be.... IT IS!!!
+
+Am rowed ashore, bag and baggage, next morning. Dear old Bluewater tries
+to keep me from going, and says, "What, after all, _is_ sea-sickness?"
+Dear old Bluewater must be an ass. Confound old Bluewater!
+
+[Footnote A: Qy. spinnaker boom.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE EXCURSION.
+
+_Head of Family._ "I reckon some of us'll have to stand, or we shan't
+all get seats!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CAUSE AND EFFECT
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ "I had such a lovely bathe last Thursday, dear."
+
+_Niece._ "That was the day of the tidal wave, wasn't it, Auntie?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: How Stonehenge might be popularised if the Government
+bought it. Suggestion gratis.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Full-sized Tripper._ "How does one get into the
+churchyard, please?"
+
+_Simple Little Native._ "Through this 'ere 'ole!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Walking Tourist._ "What's the name of this village, my
+man?"
+
+_Yokel._ "Oi dunno, zur. Oi only bin 'ere a month!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD WORLD AND THE NEW
+
+_Fair Yankee_ (_in Egypt_). "I say, uncle, can yew tell me, air there
+ever any new camels? I guess all I've seen must be second-hand!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN UNCONGENIAL SPOT FOR TEETOTALERS.--Barmouth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MAN WHO BEATS ABOUT THE BUSH.--An Australian.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "IN PERIL OF PRECIPITATION"--_Coriolanus_, iii. 3.
+
+_Stout Party._ "Hi! boy, stop! I'm going to get off."
+
+_Donkey Boy._ "Yer carn't, marm. There ain't room!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DETECTED.--_Clerical Tourist_ (_visiting cathedral_).
+"Always open, eh? And do you find that people come here on week-days for
+rest and meditation?"
+
+_Verger._ "Ay, that they do, odd times. Why, I catched some of 'em at it
+only last Toosday!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "Well, if that's David, what a size Goliath
+must a' been."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOLIDAY FARE IN CORNWALL
+
+  A Roll on the billow,
+    A Loaf by the shore,
+  A Fig for fashion,
+    And Cream galore!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROAD TO THE NIAGARA FALLS.--_Via Dollarosa._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE THE FELLAH'S SHOE PINCHES.--Where the corn used to be--in Egypt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch On Tour, by Various
+
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+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+  {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+  .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
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+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+  .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
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+  .figleft             {float: left; width: auto;}
+
+   .img                {margin: 0; padding-right: 0;}
+   .div                {margin: 0; padding: 0;}
+
+  .author              {text-align: right;}
+
+  .regards             {margin-right: 4em; text-align: right;}
+
+    pre      {font-size: 75%; }
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch On Tour, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch On Tour
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Various
+
+Release Date: May 20, 2011 [EBook #36177]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH ON TOUR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Cover" id="Cover">[Cover]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i001.png">
+<img src="images/i001.png" width="100%" alt="title page" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<br />
+<h3>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.</h3>
+
+<center>Some pages of this work have been moved from the original
+sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption.
+The page numbering remains unaltered.</center>
+<br />
+
+<h3>PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3><br />
+
+<center>Edited by <span class="smcap">J. A. Hammerton</span></center>
+<br /><br />
+
+<h1>MR PUNCH ON TOUR.</h1>
+
+<br /><br />
+
+<p>Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i002.png">
+<img src="images/i002.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. P. on a camel" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i003.png">
+<img src="images/i003.png" width="100%" alt="Walking Tour" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Mr. and Mrs. Jones's Walking Tour.</span>.</h3>
+<p>(<i>At the Shakspeare Hotel</i>). <i>Voice from the office</i>: "Porter, take this lady and gentleman
+to the Romeo and Juliet room."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>MR. PUNCH ON TOUR</h3>
+
+<h4>THE HUMOUR OF TRAVEL AT HOME AND ABROAD</h4>
+
+<center>DEPICTED BY</center>
+<br />
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i004.png">
+<img src="images/i004.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER,<br />
+L. RAVEN-HILL, BERNARD PARTRIDGE,<br />
+F. H. TOWNSEND, DUDLEY HARDY, REGINALD CLEAVER,<br />
+GORDON BROWNE, LEWIS BAUMER,G. D. ARMOUR,<br />
+A. WALLIS MILLS, LANCE THACKERAY, AND OTHERS.</p>
+<br />
+<center><i>WITH 153 ILLUSTRATIONS</i></center>
+<br />
+<h4>PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"<br />
+<br />
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.</h4>
+<br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3>
+
+<center><i>Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages fully illustrated</i>
+
+<br /><br />
+LIFE IN LONDON<br />
+COUNTRY LIFE<br />
+IN THE HIGHLANDS<br />
+SCOTTISH HUMOUR<br />
+IRISH HUMOUR<br />
+COCKNEY HUMOUR<br />
+IN SOCIETY<br />
+AFTER DINNER STORIES<br />
+IN BOHEMIA<br />
+AT THE PLAY<br />
+MR. PUNCH AT HOME<br />
+ON THE CONTINONG<br />
+RAILWAY BOOK<br />
+AT THE SEASIDE<br />
+MR. PUNCH AFLOAT<br />
+IN THE HUNTING FIELD<br />
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR<br />
+WITH ROD AND GUN<br />
+MR. PUNCH AWHEEL<br />
+BOOK OF SPORTS<br />
+GOLF STORIES<br />
+IN WIG AND GOWN<br />
+ON THE WARPATH<br />
+BOOK OF LOVE<br />
+WITH THE CHILDREN<br />
+</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i005.png">
+<img src="images/i005.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE HUMOUR OF TRAVEL</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 10%">
+<a href="images/i006a.png">
+<img src="images/i006a.png" width="100%" alt="female figure" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>There is nothing insular about <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span>. Judging by his features,
+familiar though these be and long as they have been typical of English
+humour, he is not without some trace of foreign origin. Indeed, we fancy
+that were a very searching enquiry to be made into his ancestry we might
+find he had a far-off forebear who was, let us say, Italian! Perhaps we
+have here the explanation of his breadth of mind and wide sympathy
+which, however deeply rooted in the good soil of old England, are by no
+means absolutely delimited by our coast line.</p>
+
+<p>It is thus that we find him consistently the best of travelling
+companions, for there is none he is more ready to castigate with the
+whip of his satire than the insular Englishman abroad. This is as it
+should be, and in these days of the <i>entente cordiale</i> especially, when
+the inducements to Continental travel are steadily increasing, all
+patriotic Englishmen are anxious that their fellow-countrymen should
+give as good an account of themselves as possible when visiting the fair
+lands of our friends across the silver streak.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 15%">
+<a href="images/i006b.png">
+<img src="images/i006b.png" width="100%" alt="Male figure" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span>, while always ready to stand for English ideals of right and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>
+fair-dealing, has equally endeavoured throughout his long career to show
+that all the good manners of Europe are not to be found on the
+Continent. But above all, wherever he goes, let his travels be within
+those green isles where he reigns as king of fun or as far afield as the
+land of the Sphinx, he diffuses that good humour which is the essential
+characteristic of the Englishman and adds so much to the joy of life.
+The present collection, illustrative of the humours of travel at home
+and abroad, certainly does not bear out the ancient criticism as to the
+English taking their pleasures sadly. Like many another book in this
+same library it proves rather that they take their misadventures
+joyously.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i007.png">
+<img src="images/i007.png" width="100%" alt="holidaymaker" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH ON TOUR</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%">
+<a href="images/i008.png">
+<img src="images/i008.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Ramsbotham in Rome.</span>&mdash;When Mrs. R. was in Rome she insisted on the
+guide taking her and her party to see the Papal Bulls of which she had
+always heard so much. "I suppose," she said, "they're kept on some farm,
+and are exhibited for prizes just like the King's or the Prince of
+Wales'." The worthy lady added that she couldn't help laughing to think
+what a mistake she made in Holland when she was taken to see "Paul
+Potter's Bull," which turned out to be only a picture.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Curious Landscape Feature observable at Monte Carlo in the Early
+Spring.</span>&mdash;Blue Rocks.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>HINTS TO TOURISTS</h2>
+
+<p>If you are put with a friend in a double-bedded room, bear in mind that
+inside walls are only lath and plaster, and that every word you say will
+be heard in the next room. Therefore carry on your conversation at the
+tip-top of your voice, and make as much noise as you can in packing, and
+in splashing, and in stumping round your room.</p>
+
+<p>Always give to beggars who waylay you on the road, and if you know their
+language, accompany your gift with a little stagey speech to the effect
+that all we English have more money than we know how to spend, and it is
+our duty when we travel to succour the distressed. This will mightily
+encourage the impostors in their trade, and engender a great nuisance
+for tourists who are poorer or less foolish than yourself.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">She meant Nothing Wrong.</span>&mdash;<i>Curate to American Visitor.</i> How do you like
+our church, Mrs. Golightly? It is very generally admired.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Golightly.</i> Yes, it's very pretty, but if it only had a clock
+fitted on the tower, it would be <i>useful</i> as well as ornamental.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i009.png">
+<img src="images/i009.png" width="100%" alt="getting on all right?" /></a>
+<h3>TACTFUL SYMPATHY</h3>
+<p><i>Genial Friend.</i> "Hullo, old man, getting on all right?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i010.png">
+<img src="images/i010.png" width="100%" alt="Our artist" /></a>
+<p>Our artist, while staying in the country, thinks it would
+be a good opportunity for studying <i>calves</i>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i011.png">
+<img src="images/i011.png" width="100%" alt="Yachting Man" /></a>
+<p><i>Yachting Man.</i> "Well, I always said you were a plucky
+fellow, Splinter; but really, now, I did not give you credit&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Splinter</i> (<i>not displeased</i>). "How do you mean?"</p>
+<p><i>Yachting Man.</i> "Why, with your spars, to put out in such a gale o' wind
+as this."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>TRAVELLERS' TALES</h2>
+
+<p><i>First Traveller</i> (<i>in the smoking-room</i>). I think the most marvellous
+sight I ever saw was when I was crossing the Bight of Benin. You know
+the Bight?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Traveller.</i> Perfectly. Shot two sea-serpents there last year.</p>
+
+<p><i>Third Traveller.</i> I landed hard by when I cycled across Africa.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Traveller.</i> Well, it was there we sighted a man who had crossed
+from Buenos Ayres on a hen-coop, with a cotton umbrella for a sail,
+and&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Other Travellers</i> (<i>jealously in chorus</i>). Oh! Come, I say!</p>
+
+<p><i>Quiet Man</i> (<i>in corner</i>). Oh, I'll vouch for the truth of the
+assertion.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Traveller</i> (<i>nettled</i>). How's that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Quiet Man.</i> Why, <i>I</i> was the man.</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Company disperses.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Next best thing to the Persian Locomotive Carpet of Eastern Fable.</span>&mdash;The
+"Travelling Rug" of Western fact.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i012.png">
+<img src="images/i012.png" width="100%" alt="hard day sight-seeing" /></a>
+<p>Brown, who has had a hard day sight-seeing, in Tunis,
+goes to a café for a quiet drink and rest. Result!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A HAPPY HOLIDAY</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w22"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Now I really do not care a</p>
+<p class="i0">Hang about the Riviera,</p>
+<p class="i0">In the daytime you've a gay time,</p>
+<p class="i2">But the nights are very cold.</p>
+<p class="i0">And for any kind of touring,</p>
+<p class="i0">Which I used to find alluring,</p>
+<p class="i0">I for biking had a liking,</p>
+<p class="i2">But I now have grown too old.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Then the constant change of weather</p>
+<p class="i0">To my thinking, altogether</p>
+<p class="i0">Knocked the notion of an ocean</p>
+<p class="i2">Trip completely on the head;</p>
+<p class="i0">I've a horror, too, of "trippers,"</p>
+<p class="i0">'Arrys, 'Arriets, and "nippers,"</p>
+<p class="i0">So a jolly quiet holi-</p>
+<p class="i2">Day I spent at home in bed.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">No Difference.</span>&mdash;<i>English Customer</i> (<i>to Manager of restaurant</i>). I see,
+Signor Maraschino, that the American gentleman and his wife who have
+just left drank nothing but water with their dinner. Does that make much
+difference in their bill?</p>
+
+<p><i>Signor Maraschino.</i> Noting, sir. They pay same as yourself and lady,
+who 'ave champagne. Oderwise 'ow should we live?</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">The Great Loan Land.</span>"&mdash;Russia.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i013.png">
+<img src="images/i013.png" width="100%" alt="what did Mr. Punch do" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">What did Mr. Punch do in the Easter Recess?</span>&mdash;Volunteer
+review! Not a bit of it! He just popped over, and had a few days of
+delightful <i>dolce far niente</i> at Venice.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i014.png">
+<img src="images/i014.png" width="100%" alt="Papa, Maman, et Bébé" /></a>
+<p>Papa, Maman, et Bébé s'en vont à la pêche aux crevettes.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<br /><a href="images/i015.png">
+<img src="images/i015.png" width="100%" alt="Afternoon Tea" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Fin De La Saison.</span>&mdash;(<i>At a Cercle Anglais. "Le Fiv'
+o'clock," i.e., Afternoon Tea.</i>)</p>
+<p><i>Britisher.</i> "<i>Coming to the ball to-night, Count?</i>"</p>
+<p><i>Monsieur le Comte.</i> "Moi, mon cher? Ah, non. I am tired. I have the
+ache everywhere. I have play the football!"</p>
+<p><i>Britisher.</i> "Good! What?&mdash;Forward, half-back?"</p>
+<p><i>Monsieur le Comte.</i> "Forward! Half-back! Par exemple, I am
+'Arbitre'&mdash;how you say it?&mdash;Referee!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>IMPRESSIONS FROM ABROAD</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Our Susceptible Subscriber</i>)</center>
+
+<p>Impressions on my hat after going down the salt mine at Berchtesgaden.</p>
+
+<p>Impressions on my alpenstock after looking at the Alpine Peaks from
+below with an opera-glass.</p>
+
+<p>Impressions on my nose and forehead by the mosquitoes, when I would be
+poetical and stay all the evening on the Rialto at Venice.</p>
+
+<p>Impressions on my ears by the bad language of my guide, when I refused
+to pay for the echoes awakened on the Rhine by an ancient howitzer.</p>
+
+<p>Impressions on my heart by memories of that pretty little Frenchwoman I
+travelled with from Turin.</p>
+
+<p>Impressions on my feet by her sweet little <i>bottines</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Impression on my mind, after Mrs. P. detected those <i>bottines</i> too near
+my boots, that it would be better not to be so susceptible another time.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Thought By A Tourist.</span>&mdash;Too many Cook's Excursionists spoil the <i>table
+d'hôte</i>.</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i016.png">
+<img src="images/i016.png" width="100%" alt="anything to declare?" /></a>
+<h3>THE RULING PASSION</h3>
+<p><i>Customs Official.</i> "Have you anything to declare?"</p>
+<p><i>Absent-minded Traveller</i> (<i>Bridge-player, just catching last word</i>).
+"Oh, leave it to you!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i017.png">
+<img src="images/i017.png" width="100%" alt="INTERNATIONAL COMPARISONS" /></a>
+<h3>INTERNATIONAL COMPARISONS</h3>
+<p><i>Henri Dubois</i> (<i>who can speak English</i>) <i>to his friend 'Arry Smith</i>
+(<i>who can't</i>). "Pardon me, mon ami! You are very pretty boy, you dress
+in ze most perfect 'chic'; but vy do you speak your own language so
+ungrammaticallé?"</p>
+<p>'<i>Arry.</i> "Why do I speak my hown langwidge so hungrammatical? 'Ang it,
+yer down't suppowse as I were hedgerkited at Heton or 'Arrow like a
+bloomin' swell, do yer?"</p>
+<p><i>Henri.</i> "Voyez donc ça! Now in France zere is no Eton, no Harrow: all
+ze public schools are ze same, and ze butcher and baker's little boys go
+zere, and ze little candlestick-makers, and ze little boys of ze
+merchants of cheese like you and me!"</p>
+<p>'<i>Arry.</i> "Come, I s'y, Walker, yer know! And where do their customers'
+little boys go?"</p>
+<p><i>Henri.</i> "Parbleu! Zey go zere too!!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;['<i>Arry, suddenly conscious of his deficiencies, feels
+bitterly towards his country.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i018.png">
+<img src="images/i018.png" width="100%" alt="DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES" /></a>
+<h3>"DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES"</h3>
+<p><i>Old Gentleman.</i> "Are you certain that these life-belts are cork, and
+not half sawdust?"</p>
+<p><i>Storeman.</i> "They are the best quality. We have sold hundreds, and never
+had a complaint!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Happy Geographical Thought</span> (<i>when crossing the Channel in exceptionally
+rough weather</i>).&mdash;"Oh dear! What a pity that the sea everywhere can't be
+the Pacific Ocean!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">The Travellers' Club.</span>"&mdash;An alpenstock.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i019.png">
+<img src="images/i019.png" width="100%" alt="Foreign Hotels" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Foreign Hotels.</span></h3>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">What!&mdash;No Soap!"</span>&mdash;"Oh&mdash;er&mdash;juste
+regardez ici, mademoiselle! Vous nous avez chargé pour le <i>savon</i>&mdash;et
+nous ne l'avons pas <i>usé</i>, vous savez, car&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"Oh, mamma! How <i>can</i> you!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Poor things! they had brought their own.</i>]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i020.png">
+<img src="images/i020.png" width="100%" alt="The Last Thing Out" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Last Thing Out.</span></h3>
+<p>Sensation created every morning at
+Crevetteville-sur-Mer by Colonel F&mdash;&mdash; (of the Guards) and the lovely
+Lady Magnolia D&mdash;&mdash;.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i021.png">
+<img src="images/i021.png" width="100%" alt="The Personal Equation" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Personal Equation.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Ducal Butler</i> (<i>showing art
+treasures of Stilton Castle</i>). "The three Graces&mdash;after Canova!"</p>
+<p><i>Mrs Ramsbotham.</i> "How interesting! And pray, which is the <i>present</i>
+Duchess?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i022.png">
+<img src="images/i022.png" width="100%" alt="What did you say?" /></a>
+<p><i>Her Husband</i> (<i>going on the Continent</i>). "Look here,
+Arabella, from now you and I will speak nothing but French."</p>
+<p><i>Arabella.</i> "<i>Oui.</i>"</p>
+<p><i>Her Husband.</i> "What did you say?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i023.png">
+<img src="images/i023.png" width="100%" alt="EASIER SAID THAN DONE" /></a>
+<h3>"EASIER SAID THAN DONE"</h3>
+<p><i>Stout Traveller</i> (<i>in the Eastern Counties</i>). "My lad&mdash;which is
+the&mdash;quickest way&mdash;for me to get to the station?"</p>
+<p><i>Street Arab.</i> "Wh' run bo'! 'th' else yeow'll sartain'y lewse th'
+tr'ine! There goo th' bell!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i024.png">
+<img src="images/i024.png" width="100%" alt="DESPAIR" /></a>
+<h3>DESPAIR!</h3>
+<p>Brown has locked his portmanteau with one of those letter padlocks and
+forgotten the word that opens it.</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Only ten minutes to dinner!</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>VIATOR'S VADE MECUM</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Or Compendious Weather-Guide for the British Tourist</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem w24"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">When the wind is in the North,</p>
+<p class="i0">Gingham take if you go forth.</p>
+<p class="i0">If to Eastward veer the wind,</p>
+<p class="i0">Gingham do not leave behind.</p>
+<p class="i0">If to West the wind should tend,</p>
+<p class="i0">Gingham is your surest friend.</p>
+<p class="i0">If it seek the South, of course,</p>
+<p class="i0">Gingham is your sole resource.</p>
+<p class="i0">Intermediate points demand</p>
+<p class="i0">Gingham constantly in hand.</p>
+<p class="i0">If there be no wind at all,</p>
+<p class="i0">Gingham take, for rain will fall.</p>
+<p class="i0">At all other times, no doubt,</p>
+<p class="i0">Gingham you may do without,</p>
+<p class="i0">Yet e'en then an hour may bring 'em,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Showers I mean,&mdash;so take your Gingham!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>English Tourist</i> (<i>in the far North, miles from anywhere</i>). "Do you
+mean to say that you and your family live here all the winter? Why, what
+do you do when any of you are ill? You can never get a doctor!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Scotch Shepherd.</i> "Nae, sir. We've just to dee a natural death!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Place in Hot Weather</span>.&mdash;Lazistan.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i025.png">
+<img src="images/i025.png" width="100%" alt="THE WATER CURE" /></a>
+<h3>THE WATER CURE</h3>
+<p><i>Young Lady.</i> "So you've been on the Continent, Professor?"</p>
+<p><i>The Professor.</i> "Yes, I've been to Marienbad, taking the baths, you
+know."</p>
+<p><i>Young Lady.</i> "Really? That <i>was</i> a change for you, wasn't it?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i026.png">
+<img src="images/i026.png" width="100%" alt="country looking-glasses" /></a>
+<p>"Oh! con-found these country looking-glasses, though!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i027.png">
+<img src="images/i027.png" width="100%" alt="HOT WEATHER" /></a>
+<h3>THE HOT WEATHER</h3>
+<p><i>Traveller</i> (<i>bedtime, thermometer 100°!</i>). "Waiter, go' sh'ch a thing
+as a warmin'-pan?"</p>
+<p><i>Waiter</i> (<i>astounded</i>). "A warming-pan, sir!"</p>
+<p><i>Traveller.</i> "And got any ice?"</p>
+<p><i>Waiter.</i> "Ice, sir? Yessir!"</p>
+<p><i>Traveller.</i> "Then tell 'chamb'maid to run a pan of ice through my bed,
+and let me have my candle. I'll turn in!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i028.png">
+<img src="images/i028.png" width="100%" alt="An Indian Station" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>An Indian Station, on the eve of a Fancy
+Ball.</i>&mdash;<i>Globe-trotting "Bounder"</i> (<i>newly arrived</i>). "You're running
+this ball, ain't you? Is fancy dress <i>de rigueur</i>?"</p>
+<p><i>Choleric Colonel</i> (<i>who is Ball Secretary</i>). "Fancy dress, sir, is not
+<i>de rigueur</i>, but an invitation <i>is</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i029.png">
+<img src="images/i029.png" width="100%" alt="lemon peel or candied peel" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Up country Joys In India.</span></h3>
+<p><i>The Mem Sahib</i> (<i>with a view
+to seasonable festivities</i>). "I wonder if you have got such a thing as
+lemon peel or candied peel in your shop?"</p>
+<p><i>"Europe Shop" Keeper.</i> "Ah, no, Mem Sahib. Onlee got it 'cockle' peel
+and 'beesham' peel!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE TRAVELLERS' PROTECTION LEAGUE</h2>
+
+<p>The T. P. L. commenced operations last week with regard to the
+unpunctuality of certain railway companies, and should be encouraged to
+go a little farther. We want protection against:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>1. Passengers who try to keep us out of carriages by fictitiously
+placing hats and wraps on more seats or corners than they will
+themselves occupy.</p>
+
+<p>2. Passengers who endeavour to enter carriages when we have fictitiously
+placed hats and wraps on more seats or corners than we shall ourselves
+occupy.</p>
+
+<p>3. People who smoke bad tobacco in compartments where there are ladies.</p>
+
+<p>4. Ladies who ride in compartments where we smoke bad tobacco.</p>
+
+<p>5. Parties who insist upon having the window open when we wish it shut.</p>
+
+<p>6. Parties who insist upon having the window shut when we wish it open.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>7. Persons who try to squeeze in when our carriage is full.</p>
+
+<p>8. Persons who try to keep us out when their carriage is full.</p>
+
+<p>9. Objectionable babies.</p>
+
+<p>10. Objectors to babies.</p>
+
+<p>And a job lot of grievances, viz.:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>11. The British landscape, now consisting of pill advertisements.</p>
+
+<p>12. Clapham Junction.</p>
+
+<p>13. Bank Holiday traffic and excursionists, racing and football crowds.</p>
+
+<p>14. The weather.</p>
+
+<p>15. Nasty smelling smoke.</p>
+
+<p>16. Irritatingly uncertain lamps.</p>
+
+<p>17. The increase in the income-tax.</p>
+
+<p>18. The cussedness of things in general.</p>
+
+<p>19. And, lastly, the Billion Dollar Trust.</p>
+
+<p>If the T. P. L. will abate or abolish any or all of these nuisances we
+shall be very greatly obliged.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i030.png">
+<img src="images/i030.png" width="100%" alt="TIGHT FIT" /></a>
+<h3>A TIGHT FIT</h3>
+<p><i>Chorus of Girls</i> (<i>to popular party on bank</i>). "Oh, do come with us,
+there's <i>plenty</i> of room!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Ramsbotham</span> was asked if she liked yachting, and she replied that
+she preferred <i>terra-cotta</i>. She probably meant <i>terra-firma</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i031.png">
+<img src="images/i031.png" width="100%" alt="WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST" /></a>
+<h3>"WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"</h3>
+<p>When, after lunching sumptuously at a strange hotel in a strange part of
+the country, it suddenly occurs to him that he has left his purse, with
+all his money in it, in the mail train going North.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At Munich.</span>&mdash;<i>Mr. Joddletop</i> (<i>to travelling companion at Bierhalle</i>).
+What they call this larger beer for I'm blessed if I know! Why, it's
+thinner than what I drink at home.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S COUNTRY RAMBLES</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>With acknowledgments to the "Daily Chronicle"</i>)</center>
+
+<p>A memorable afternoon may be spent by taking the train to Muggleton, and
+walking from there by way of Mudford, Sloppington,
+Stickborough-in-the-Marsh, Drencham, St. Swithuns, and Swillingspout to
+Poddleton-on-the-Slosh. The whole district is full of memories of the
+great Hodge family (before it migrated into the towns). Quite a number
+of mute, inglorious Miltons are buried in Poddleton churchyard, but a
+few people may still be seen in the market-place on Saturdays.</p>
+
+<p><i>Route of Ramble.</i>&mdash;Alighting at Muggleton Station (too much reliance
+should not be placed upon the elocution of the local railway porter)
+leave the refreshment room resolutely on the left (as you will need to
+keep your intelligence clear), and proceed in a
+north-north-east-half-northerly direction along a winding lane, until
+Mudford Beacon appears in the rear. Then turn back across six meadows
+and a ploughed field, following alternately the bed of a stream and the
+right bank<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> of the canal until Sloppington is reached. From there follow
+the boundary line between the counties of Mudshire and Slopshire as far
+as Stickborough: from two to seven miles further on (according to the
+best local computation) lies Drencham, where is a remarkable pump.
+Leaving this landmark south-west-by-west, veer sharply to the left
+twice, and pursue a zig-zag course. If, at the twenty-second field, you
+are not within easy reach of Swillingspout it will be because you are
+incapable of following this brief chronicle. From the last-named place
+the nearest way to Poddleton is through the railway tunnel. It is not
+public, but persons have sometimes succeeded in getting through.
+Poddleton is nine miles from a station, but an omnibus walks the
+distance occasionally, when the horse is not required for funerals or
+other purposes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Length of Ramble.</i>&mdash;Doubtful. Has only been done in sections.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Miss-guided folks in Paris.</span>&mdash;Evidently those who are personally
+conducted by "Lady Guides."</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i032.png">
+<img src="images/i032.png" width="100%" alt="BY THE CARD" /></a>
+<h3>"BY THE CARD"</h3>
+<p><i>Pedestrian.</i> "How far is it to Sludgecombe, boy?"</p>
+<p><i>Boy.</i> "Why, 'bout twenty 'underd theausan' mild 'f y' goo 's y'are
+agooin' now, an' 'bout half a mild 'f you turn right reaound an' goo
+t'other way!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i033.png">
+<img src="images/i033.png" width="100%" alt="direct me to Hollow Meadows" /></a>
+<p><i>Traveller.</i> "Can you direct me to Hollow Meadows?"</p>
+<p><i>Hodge</i> (<i>who stutters frightfully</i>). "Ye-ye-ye-yes. You t-t-t-t-take
+the f-f-f-first t-t-t-t-turning on th-the right, and ku-ku-ku-keep
+straight on ower th' b-b-b-brig. Bu-bub-bub-but you'd bub-bub-bub-better
+be gu-gu-gu-gangin' on. You'll gu-gu-get there quicker th-th-th-than I
+can t-t-t-tell you!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i034.png">
+<img src="images/i034.png" width="100%" alt="MUCH PLEASANTER" /></a>
+<h3>MUCH PLEASANTER FOR ALFRED</h3>
+<p><i>Constance</i> (<i>adding the last straw</i>). "There, darling! I hope I've
+forgotten nothing. And oh, Alfred! how much, <i>much</i> pleasanter to carry
+our things ourselves, and be alone together, than to have a horrid
+servant trotting behind us, and listening to every word we say!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i035.png">
+<img src="images/i035.png" width="100%" alt="Ah can poonch th&#39; head" /></a>
+<h3>SOMETHING FROM THE PROVINCES</h3>
+<p><i>Excursionist</i> (<i>politely</i>). "Can you kindly direct me the nearest way
+to Slagley?"</p>
+<p><i>Powerful Navvy.</i> "Ah can poonch th' head o' thee!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>[Excursionist retires hastily.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i036.png">
+<img src="images/i036.png" width="100%" alt="ON THE COLONIAL TOUR" /></a>
+<h3>ON THE COLONIAL TOUR</h3>
+<p><i>Famous Pianist.</i> "Himmel! how hot it is! I really think I might just
+have half an inch cut off&mdash;just round the nape of my neck you know. Just
+<i>thinned</i> a little&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>His Agent.</i> "Out of the question, my boy. Remember clause seven in the
+agreement&mdash;'Your hair not to be cut till the last concert in Australia
+is over'!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i037.png">
+<img src="images/i037.png" width="100%" alt="EVOLUTION EXTRAORDINARY" /></a>
+<h3>EVOLUTION EXTRAORDINARY</h3>
+<p><i>British Tourist</i> (<i>who has been served with a pig's foot</i>). "What's
+this? I ordered quail!"</p>
+<p><i>Negro Waiter.</i> "Wall&mdash;y'ev got quail!"</p>
+<p><i>British Tourist.</i> "Quail! Why a quail's a bird!"</p>
+<p><i>Negro Waiter.</i> "<i>Not here!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE IDEAL HOLIDAY</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w36"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Come, Phyllis, for the season is already on the wane,</p>
+<p class="i0">And the question of our holiday perplexes once again;</p>
+<p class="i0">Now every jaded Londoner fresh stores of vigour seeks,</p>
+<p class="i0">Our problem is how best to pass these few and fleeting weeks.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">As one by one each watering-place we call to mind in turn</p>
+<p class="i0">As promptly some objection to each one we discern;</p>
+<p class="i0">Thus Scarborough's too chilly, and Ilfracombe too hot,</p>
+<p class="i0">And this too near, and that too dear, that sandy and this not.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The Alps are always overrun and crowded as Cheapside,</p>
+<p class="i0">And the garlic-reeking South I own I never could abide;</p>
+<p class="i0">The <i>Bads</i>&mdash;Aix, Vichy, Taunus, Homburg, Carlsbad, Neuenahr,</p>
+<p class="i0">Are either vulgar, crowded, dull, expensive, or too far.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oh, for some new and lone retreat, nor far away nor near,</p>
+<p class="i0">With lovely sights to charm the eye, soft sounds to soothe the ear;</p>
+<p class="i0">Where vexed and wearied spirits, such as yours and mine, might rest,</p>
+<p class="i0">And find in life new purpose, in its joys unwonted zest;</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Some Aidenn, some Elysium of rapturous delight,</p>
+<p class="i0">Where peace should reign unbroken from the dawn to fall of night!</p>
+<p class="i0">Yet since for the impossible in vain we yearn, 'tis clear,</p>
+<p class="i0">It will end no doubt as usual, in "Good old Margate," dear.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i038.png">
+<img src="images/i038.png" width="100%" alt="THE VALET OF THE NILE" /></a>
+<h3>"THE <i>VALET</i> OF THE NILE"</h3>
+<p>Much talked about, but very seldom seen!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"A railway from Joppa to Jerusalem" sounds like a Scriptural line. In
+future, "going to Jericho" will not imply social banishment, as the
+party sent thither will be able to take a return-ticket.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">So Nice And Sympathetic.</span>&mdash;A gentleman, whose one glass eye had served
+him for years, had the misfortune to drop it. It smashed to atoms. This
+happened when he was far away in the country. He inquired of a friend
+where was the nearest place for him to go and get refitted.</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't you call upon the girl you were flirting with all last
+night?" his friend inquired. "She has a first-class reputation for making
+eyes."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Balloonery.</span>&mdash;"We went spinning through the air!" said an enthusiastic
+aeronaut, describing his recent trial trip.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed!" observed his companion, meditatively. "Judging by your
+description it sounds as if you had been in an 'heir-loom' instead of an
+'air-ship.'"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At Brussels.</span>&mdash;<i>Mrs. Trickleby</i> (<i>pointing to an announcement in grocer's
+window, and spelling it out</i>). <i>Jambon d'Yorck</i>. What's that mean, Mr.
+T.?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. T</i>. (<i>who is by way of being a linguist</i>). Why, good Yorkshire
+preserves, of course. What did you suppose it was&mdash;Dundee marmalade?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i039.png">
+<img src="images/i039.png" width="100%" alt="DANGEROUS HILL" /></a>
+<h3>"CAUTION! THIS HILL IS DANGEROUS!"</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>TO ABSENT FRIENDS</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By a Fox without a Tail.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem w36"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Dear Brown and Jones and Robinson and many thousands more,</p>
+<p class="i0">Now spending dismal holidays on some dank sea-girt shore,</p>
+<p class="i0">You, who affect to pity those compelled in town to stay,</p>
+<p class="i0">Should rather envy us, because we cannot get away.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">While you are hiring tiny rooms at many pounds a week,</p>
+<p class="i0">And huddle there and watch parades that run with rain, and reek,</p>
+<p class="i0">Contrast my cheerful aspect with your discontented looks,</p>
+<p class="i0">As here I stay at ease among my pictures and my books.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Here in the trains the traveller can now find ample space,</p>
+<p class="i0">Enjoying elbow-room without a struggle for a place:</p>
+<p class="i0">The choicest dishes are not "off" at half-past one to lunch,</p>
+<p class="i0">And no one spoils our appetite with&mdash;"After you with <i>Punch</i>!"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The dainty shops of Regent Street teem with their treasures still,</p>
+<p class="i0">The Park with all its beauties we can now enjoy at will;</p>
+<p class="i0">No longer do the jostling crowds provoke an angry frown,</p>
+<p class="i0">But leisurely we relish the amenities of town.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Thus basking in the keen delights that empty London owns</p>
+<p class="i0">(Though from my heart I pity you&mdash;Brown, Robinson and Jones),</p>
+<p class="i0">So long as you may care to stay, and business is slack,</p>
+<p class="i0">I cannot honestly declare I long to see you back.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i040.png">
+<img src="images/i040.png" width="100%" alt="TRIPPERS" /></a>
+<h3>TRIPPERS</h3>
+<p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>his first visit</i>). "Will it be like this all d-d-d-day
+daddy?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i041.png">
+<img src="images/i041.png" width="100%" alt="Spot or plain?" /></a>
+<p><i>Billiard Enthusiast</i> (<i>having mistaken his room at the
+hotel, holding on to knobs of bed</i>). "Which do you prefer, sir? Spot or
+plain?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p>When the chairman of a railway company speaks of "the diversion of
+traffic," may it be understood that "pleasure trips and excursions" are
+covered by this expression?</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i042.png">
+<img src="images/i042.png" width="100%" alt="ENGLAND AND GERMANY" /></a>
+<h3>ENGLAND AND GERMANY</h3>
+<p><i>British Nimrod</i> (<i>who has shot tigers in India, and lions in South
+Africa</i>). "The fact is, Herr Muller, that I don't care much for sport
+unless it contains the element of danger."</p>
+<p><i>German Nimrod.</i> "Ach zo? you are vont of <i>taincher</i>? Den you should gom
+ant shood mit <i>me</i>! Vy, only de oder tay I shoodet my broder-in-law in
+de shdômag!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cutting a new Acquaintance.</span>&mdash;<i>Major Longi'th'Bow.</i> I met a Brahmin once
+with "John Smith, London," carved on his back. You see he was standing
+motionless in one of those pious trances which nothing is allowed to
+interrupt. In this state he was found by a cheap-tripper, who took him
+for a statue and cut his name as usual.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At Florence.</span>&mdash;<i>First Tourist.</i> Hullo! Barkins, what brought you here?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Tourist</i> (<i>facetiously</i>). The railway, of course. And you?</p>
+
+<p><i>First Tourist</i> (<i>getting mixed, but thinking he has his friend</i>). My
+wife's wish to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Suitable Spots.</span>&mdash;<i>Gainsborough</i>&mdash;for greedy tradesmen; <i>Gnosall</i>&mdash;for
+wiseacres; <i>Gravesend</i>&mdash;for sextons; <i>Great Barr</i>&mdash;for constant topers;
+<i>Grind-on</i>&mdash;for crammers; <i>Halt-whistle</i>&mdash;for football umpires;
+<i>Hastings</i>&mdash;for wasps; <i>Hawkshead</i>&mdash;for falconers; <i>Honi-ton</i>&mdash;for busy
+bees; <i>Hoot-on</i>&mdash;for owls.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Cry of the Travelling Smoker.</span>&mdash;<i>En</i> briar root!</center>
+<br />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i043.png">
+<img src="images/i043.png" width="100%" alt="SNUB FOR A SNOB" /></a>
+<h3>SNUB FOR A SNOB</h3>
+<p><i>English Tourist.</i> "Aw&mdash;that buttermilk was very nice, my dear. What
+payment do you expect for it?"</p>
+<p><i>Cottage Girl.</i> "We wouldn't be after asking any payment. Sure we <i>give</i>
+it to the pigs!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i044.png">
+<img src="images/i044.png" width="100%" alt="MISPLACED SYMPATHY" /></a>
+<h3>MISPLACED SYMPATHY</h3>
+<p>(<i>The "Boots" at the Shadow of Death Hotel, in the back block of
+Australia, on seeing a pair of boot-trees for the first time.</i>)</p>
+<p>"I say, Billy, that poor bloke in the bed-room must 'ave ad a terrible
+accident. He's got two wooden feet!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Tripper</i> (<i>examining official notice on the walls of Boulogne</i>).
+What's that mean, Tripper, "Pas de Calais"?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tripper</i> (<i>who is proud of his superior acquaintance with a foreign
+language</i>). It means&mdash;"Nothing to do with Calais," my dear. These rival
+ports are dreadfully jealous of one another.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i045.png">
+<img src="images/i045.png" width="100%" alt="WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS" /></a>
+<h3>WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS.</h3>
+<p><i>Jones.</i> "I say, what's the exact meaning of 'voilà'?"</p>
+<p><i>Brown.</i> "Well, I should translate it as 'behold,' or 'there you are,'
+or something like that."</p>
+<p><i>Jones.</i> "Confound it! I've been using it for the last month and
+thinking I've been swearing in French!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i046.png">
+<img src="images/i046.png" width="100%" alt="BASHAN, NEAR BARMOUTH" /></a>
+<h3>BASHAN, NEAR BARMOUTH</h3>
+<p>The worst of Wales is, the wild beasts are so numerous and inquisitive.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i047.png">
+<img src="images/i047.png" width="100%" alt="Geology" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Geology.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Scientific Pedestrian.</i> "Do you find any fossils here?"</p>
+<p><i>Excavator.</i> "Dunno what you calls 'vossuls.' We finds nowt here but
+muck and 'ard work!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i048.png">
+<img src="images/i048.png" width="100%" alt="Music on the Waters" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Music on the Waters.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Parker.</i> "Beg pardon, my lady, but
+the band can't play the selection your ladyship asked for."</p>
+<p><i>Her Ladyship</i> (<i>astonished</i>). "But it's in their programme!"</p>
+<p><i>Parker.</i> "Yes, my lady, but they can't play it till we get into still
+water, and <i>then they'll try</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i049.png">
+<img src="images/i049.png" width="100%" alt="The Comforter" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Comforter.</span></h3>
+<p>"I say, old man, I've just been down in
+the saloon, and they give you the finest half-crown lunch I've ever
+struck!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i050.png">
+<img src="images/i050.png" width="100%" alt="A Moot Point" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Moot Point.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown</i> (<i>on her honeymoon</i>). "Oh,
+aren't you glad, darling, we have come this delightful tour, instead of
+going to one of those stupid foreign places?"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Darling is not quite sure about it, as the hills are of terrible frequency, and,
+naturally, he tows his bride up every one.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i051.png">
+<img src="images/i051.png" width="100%" alt="Bad Habits" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Bad Habits Grow Apace.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Traveller</i> (<i>whose train is
+due</i>). "Look here, I'm going to get out and walk. That brute will make
+me miss my train!"</p>
+<p><i>Jarvey.</i> "Kape still, surr. For the love av' Moses, kape still. Sure
+an' if the ould blayguard bates us, I'll niver get him up to the station
+no more!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE TRAVELLERS TRICKED</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>An à propos Duologue</i>)</center>
+
+<p><i>She</i> (<i>with resolution</i>). Charlie, I want to ask your pardon. I have
+made a mistake.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Yes, dear; which of them?</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> You shall not put me out by sneering. Yes, I have made a mistake;
+and when I make a mistake, I do not fail to acknowledge it.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Quite right, dear. Nothing like having a congenial occupation.</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> Charlie, we came back to town prematurely.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Yes, dear; we certainly curtailed our stay in Paris a little to
+allow of your purchasing that pretty bonnet.</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> It cost a lot of money, Charlie.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> It did, dear; but I did not grudge it, as you and the shop girl
+said it was of the first mode and the greatest novelty in Paris.</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> Yes, Charlie; and I believed her.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Well, I am sure that the three or four days we cut off were well
+worth it, to buy the bonnet.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> How good, how noble of you to say so!</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Not at all; I was really glad to get back to the club. And you
+have your bonnet&mdash;a real genuine French bonnet! And the most Parisian
+shape imaginable.</p>
+
+<p><i>She</i> (<i>with an effort</i>). The shape is not Parisian.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Not Parisian! Where does it come from?</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> I see from a ticket in the lining it was made in the Edgware
+Road.</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Tears and curtain.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At Windsor.</span>&mdash;<i>American Traveller</i> (<i>to Waiter at the "Blue Stag"</i>). Say,
+is it true that you've got a real live ghost here?</p>
+
+<p><i>Waiter.</i> Yessir. Believed to be either Cardinal Garnet Wolseley, 'Erne
+the 'Untsman, Queen Elizabeth, or the late King of the Belgiums.</p>
+
+<p><i>American Traveller.</i> Thanks. Send for the local reporter, if off duty
+in any one capacity.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Suitable Spots.</span>&mdash;<i>Ware-ham</i>&mdash;for abstainers from pork;
+<i>Whits-table</i>&mdash;for facetious gourmets; <i>Wig-more</i>&mdash;for bald men;
+<i>Wig-ton</i>&mdash;for perruquiers; <i>Winfarthing</i>&mdash;for small gamblers;
+<i>Wo-burn</i>&mdash;for firemen.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i052.png">
+<img src="images/i052.png" width="100%" alt="AUTOMOBILITY" /></a>
+<h3>NOSÉ IN EGITTO; OR, AUTOMOBILITY IN THE LAND OF THE SPHINX.</h3>
+<p>"One touch of <i>Punch</i> makes the whole world kin."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i053.png">
+<img src="images/i053.png" width="100%" alt="A question of Proportion" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A question of Proportion.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Colonel Peppercorn</i> (<i>who is touring in France with a hired chauffeur
+and car, which has broken down</i>). "Confound it all, you say it's
+nothing? Then why don't you repair it?"</p>
+<p><i>Alphonse Legros.</i> "Mais, monsieur, pas possible, he break below! I
+cannot arrive there! He is only quinze centimètres from ze ground; but
+me&mdash;voilà&mdash;I have one mètre round ze chest!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE SKELETON TOURIST'S VADE MECUM</h2>
+
+<p><i>Question.</i> What is your object this year?</p>
+
+<p><i>Answer.</i> To follow the precedent of former Summers, and get over as
+much ground as possible.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> How do you manage this?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> With the assistance of a ticket guaranteed to make distance a
+greater consideration than scenery.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Is it necessary to examine the places <i>en route</i> with much careful
+consideration?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Certainly not, as the Guide-book of the place visited will supply
+the compulsory omissions.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> What are compulsory omissions?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Objects of interest left out for want of time to give them an
+inspection.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> How long would you give St. Peter's at Rome?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> A quarter of an hour, and the Colosseum at the same place ten
+minutes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Could you not spare more time than this from your holiday?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> No; for luncheon and dinner have to be taken into consideration in
+the touring table.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> What object of interest would you examine in the Land of the
+Midnight Sun?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> The sun at midnight, if it happened to be shining.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> And if you visited the Rhine by the railway, what object of
+interest would chiefly attract your attention?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> The interior of the compartment in which you happened to be
+travelling.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> What advantage would you derive from your tour?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> The satisfaction of explaining to non-tourists where you had been
+rather than what you had seen.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Do you consider that your mind would derive much benefit from your
+rapid locomotion?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Not much, nor my body either.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> But I presume your outing would justify the title of this Vade
+Mecum?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Most certainly; because, by the end of your journey, you might
+accurately describe your condition as one who had been reduced to a
+skeleton.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i054.png">
+<img src="images/i054.png" width="100%" alt="a wheel&#39;s coming off" /></a>
+<p><i>Nervous Tourist.</i> "Stop, driver, stop! There's something
+wrong! I am sure a wheel's coming off!"</p>
+<p><i>Driver.</i> "Arrah, be aisy then, yer honour. Sure, it's the same one's
+been comin' off thin these three days back!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i055.png">
+<img src="images/i055.png" width="100%" alt="after the arrival of the boat" /></a>
+<p>(<i>Sketched on the pier just after the arrival of the boat.</i>)</p>
+<p><i>'Arry</i> (<i>viewing stormy sea in a mutoscope</i>). "My eye, Maria, come an'
+'ave a look 'ere. The motion of the waives is simply grand!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i056.png">
+<img src="images/i056.png" width="100%" alt="A Continental Trip" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Continental Trip.</span></h3>
+<p><i>First Man</i> (<i>tasting beer</i>).
+"Hullo! I ordered lager. This isn't lager!"</p>
+<p><i>Second Man</i> (<i>tasting</i>). "No; but it's jolly good, all the same!"</p>
+<p><i>Third Man</i> (<i>tasting</i>). "C'est magnifique! mais ce n'est pas
+lager-r-r!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i057.png">
+<img src="images/i057.png" width="80%" alt="On The Grand Tour" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">On The Grand Tour.</span></h3>
+<p>Scene&mdash;<i>Staircase of the Palazzo
+Bianco.</i>&mdash;(<i>Enter the Joneses of London.</i>) <i>Chorus of Maidens.</i> "O, ma,
+dear! O, papa! do look! <i>Isn't</i> this charming? <i>Isn't</i> it delightful?
+Only fancy&mdash;the <i>Bragginton Smiths</i> were here last month!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i058.png">
+<img src="images/i058.png" width="100%" alt="THE FAULT OF THE FOWL" /></a>
+<h3>THE FAULT OF THE FOWL</h3>
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Coffee-Room, Hotel, Guernsey.</i></p>
+<p><i>Visitor</i> (<i>gazing at a guinea-fowl's egg</i>). "Waiter! Can you tell me
+what egg this is?"</p>
+<p><i>Waiter.</i> "Oh, sir, it's a Guernsey egg. They sometimes lays them like
+that. It's not done in the boiling!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i059.png">
+<img src="images/i059.png" width="100%" alt="Corrected" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Corrected.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Lady Tourist</i> (<i>doing the cathedrals of
+Scotland</i>). "This is <i>Gothic</i>, isn't it, John?"</p>
+<p><i>Juvenile Vendor of "Guides"</i> (<i>severely</i>). "No, mem, <i>this is
+Presbyterian</i>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>At <span class="smcap">Homburg-v.-d.-H.</span>&mdash;<i>Colonel Twister</i> (<i>in the hotel smoking-room</i>).
+Yes! I once played a game of pool at Senecarabad, holding the cue in my
+teeth, and captured all the loot!</p>
+
+<p><i>Captain Longbow.</i> Pooh! That's nothing! About a month ago I matched
+myself at shell-out against Fred Fandango, and clutching the cue between
+my toes, walked in lying on my back!</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel Twister</i> (<i>taken unawares</i>). But how the deuce did you manage
+to see the table?</p>
+
+<p><i>Captain Longbow.</i> See the table? Why, had the cloth lighted with
+Röntgen rays, of course! Saw through the slate!</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>The Colonel abruptly says "Good Night" to the company, and leaves
+for Schlangenbad next morning.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Force Of Habit.</span>&mdash;Recently two bankers met abroad. They at once began to
+compare notes.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">New Name for Sea-Sickness.</span>&mdash;<i>Mal de Little Mary.</i></center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Mrs. Ramsbotham</span> wants to know whether the inhabitants of the Fiji
+Islands are called the Fijits.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i060.png">
+<img src="images/i060.png" width="100%" alt="YOUNG AUSTRALIA" /></a>
+<h3>YOUNG AUSTRALIA</h3>
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Highland Gathering in the Antipodes.</i></p>
+<p>"Well, my little man, so you're Scotch, eh?"</p>
+<p>"Nae, nae, a'am nae Scotch, but ma pairents is."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A SENSATIONAL DRAMA IN THREE ACTS AND FIVE TABLEAUX.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Showing how he got in for it and how he came out of it rather the
+worse for</i> <i>"wear"</i>)</center>
+
+<p>Mr. Joggles, having carefully selected a retired spot deposited his
+clothes in a cave, sees a little way below him a sparkling pool fed by a
+torrent from above&mdash;a natural shower bath, into which he will joyfully
+descend.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i061a.png">
+<img src="images/i061a.png" width="100%" alt="Joggles showering" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<br />
+<center>This is what he expected</center>
+<br />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i061b.png">
+<img src="images/i061b.png" width="100%" alt="This is what he expected" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p>
+
+<center>But a picnic party having terminated their luncheon, unwittingly
+rearrange matters</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i062a.png">
+<img src="images/i062a.png" width="100%" alt="matters are rearranged" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<center>Mr. Joggles is compelled to remain over his usual time in his bath</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i062b.png">
+<img src="images/i062b.png" width="100%" alt="Joggles is compelled to remain" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<center>In the meantime the goats have been busy with his clothes</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i062c.png">
+<img src="images/i062c.png" width="100%" alt="goats have been busy" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>FOR A CHANGE</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w24"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Fagged and jaded, Daphne mine,</p>
+<p class="i0">For our annual change I pine.</p>
+<p class="i0">Once again the problem's here,</p>
+<p class="i0">Whither we shall go this year.</p>
+<p class="i0">Let who will seek lake or moor,</p>
+<p class="i0">"<i>Bad</i>" or hydro, spa or "<i>kur</i>,"</p>
+<p class="i0">Switzerland and Germany</p>
+<p class="i0">Have no charms for you and me.</p>
+<p class="i0">There while restless tourists haste,</p>
+<p class="i0">"Good old Margate" suits our taste.</p>
+<p class="i0">On its old familiar ground</p>
+<p class="i0">We will make the usual round.</p>
+<p class="i0">Meet Smith, Robinson and Brown,</p>
+<p class="i0">Whom we daily see in town;</p>
+<p class="i0">Hear the niggers or the bands</p>
+<p class="i0">On the pier, the fort, the sands;</p>
+<p class="i0">Revel in each well-known joy,</p>
+<p class="i0">Then, when these enchantments cloy,</p>
+<p class="i0">And for change again we yearn,</p>
+<p class="i0">Why, then, Daphne, we'll return.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The number of stowaways who secrete themselves in big vessels is
+becoming a growing evil. A Norwegian barquantine reached Plymouth on
+Friday with an entire cargo of hides.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A very Revolting Place.</span>&mdash;Brazil.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i063.png">
+<img src="images/i063.png" width="100%" alt="French Tourist" /></a>
+<p>French Tourist, on a visit to London for the first time,
+makes a note in his pocket-book of the name of the street in which his
+hotel is situated.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>À <span class="smcap">Berlin.</span>&mdash;Although Berlin is "on the Spree," its cheerfulness is
+considerably discounted by "the Oder" in its vicinity.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i064.png">
+<img src="images/i064.png" width="100%" alt="JOINT OCCUPATION" /></a>
+<h3>"JOINT OCCUPATION"</h3>
+<center>(<i>Suggested by Cook's Tourist in Egypt.</i>)</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Overheard at Chamonix</span>.&mdash;<i>Stout British Matron,</i> (<i>in a broad British
+accent, to a slim diligence driver</i>). Êtes-vous la diligence?</p>
+
+<p><i>Driver.</i> Non, madame, mais j'en suis le cocher.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matron</i> (<i>with conviction</i>). C'est la même chose; gardez pour moi trois
+places dans votre intérieur demain.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i065.png">
+<img src="images/i065.png" width="100%" alt="PHILLIPOPOLIS" /></a>
+<h3>PHILLIPOPOLIS</h3>
+<p><i>Toper Major</i> (<i>over their third bottle of a Grand Vin</i>). "I shay, ol'
+f'ler, neksh year thinksh'll go see ex'bishun at Ph-Phipp at
+Philup-popple&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Toper Minor.</i> "I know, ol' f'ler. You mean Philipoppoppo&mdash;poppo&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Toper Major.</i> "Thatsh it&mdash;shame place. Have 'nother bo'l!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>They drink.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>NOT SO PRETTY IN ENGLISH</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Three Friends meet at Monte Carlo.</i>)</center>
+
+<p><i>First Friend.</i> No, I'm not staying here. Just run over from Canes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second F.</i> And I from Fat.</p>
+
+<p><i>Third F.</i> And I'm with my people at Chin.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[We presume the travellers referred to Cannes, Grasse, and
+Menton.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed.</span>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A WHITSUN HOLIDAY.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A Page from a Modern Diary.</i>)</center>
+
+<p><i>Monday.</i>&mdash;Up with the lark. Breakfast not ready. Spent my spare time in
+closing the boxes. Got the family into the train with difficulty.
+Devoted the day to travelling. Reached our destination tired out. Glad
+to get to bed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Up with the lark. Did the sights. Had no time to look at
+anything, as I had to attend to the tickets. Saw all the museums. My
+party coming out when I had got the catalogues. So managed our visits
+that there was no opportunity of discussing meals. Got back in time for
+<i>table d'hôte</i>, but preferred sleep to food. Went to bed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Up with the lark. Off again travelling. On the road all
+day. Having to fit in the corresponding trains, had no leisure for
+meals. Arrived at our new resting-place late at night. So off as quickly
+as possible to bed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Up with the lark. Spent the morning in sight-seeing under
+the customary conditions. Waited upon the family. Looked after the
+catalogues and umbrellas. Food again at a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> discount. Dispensed with
+dinner. Glad to get to bed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;Up with the lark. Time to return. Back again by a train. No
+food. No rest. Halfway home. Arrived in time to see the lights being put
+out. Off to bed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Saturday.</i>&mdash;Up with the lark. Continued my journey post-haste. Wrote up
+my diary. Find that I have got over several hundreds of miles; but for
+the life of me cannot remember anything that I have seen. Don't
+recollect any square meal. Back again, tired, and only pleased to be in
+bed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sunday.</i>&mdash;Sleeping.</p>
+
+<p><i>Monday.</i>&mdash;Up with the lark. Recovered from my week's "rest," and glad
+to get back again to work.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BY A SEA-SICK PASSENGER</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w22"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i><span class="smcap">Mare!</span> Mare</i>!</p>
+<p class="i4">Most contrary,</p>
+<p class="i0">Why do you tumble so?</p>
+<p class="i4">While you heave and swell</p>
+<p class="i4">One can't feel well,</p>
+<p class="i0">And&mdash;I think I'll go below!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Motto for American Millionairesses.</span>&mdash;<br />
+
+"Marry, come up!"</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i066.png">
+<img src="images/i066.png" width="100%" alt="Visitor at Country Hotel" /></a>
+<p><i>Scientific and Nervous Visitor at Country Hotel.</i> "I
+suppose there's no 'ptomaine' in this pie?"</p>
+<p><i>Waiter</i> (<i>equal to the occasion</i>). "No, sir. We never puts that in
+unless specially ordered!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i067.png">
+<img src="images/i067.png" width="100%" alt="Dartmoor Way" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Dartmoor Way.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Tourist</i> (<i>in background</i>). "I say!
+Percy! We'd better be going now&mdash;unless you can see anything striking
+from where you are!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i068.png">
+<img src="images/i068.png" width="100%" alt="Railway Refreshment Room" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Railway Refreshment Room. Thermometer 90° in the
+Shade.</i></p>
+<p><i>Waiter</i> (<i>to traveller taking tea</i>). "Beg pardon, sir, I shouldn't
+recommend that milk, sir; leastways not for <i>drinking</i> purposes."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i069.png">
+<img src="images/i069.png" width="100%" alt="Halcyon Prospects" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Halcyon Prospects.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Romantic Bride</i> (<i>ecstatically</i>).
+"Such a waste of waters almost appals me!"</p>
+<p><i>Prudent Husband</i> (<i>fondly</i>). "What a dear little economist it is!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i070.png">
+<img src="images/i070.png" width="100%" alt="a great battle" /></a>
+<p><i>Tourist.</i> "Wasn't there a great battle fought about
+here?"</p>
+<p><i>Village Dame.</i> "Ah, I do mind it when I were a gell, I do. They
+was&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Tourist.</i> "But, my good woman, that was nearly six hundred years ago!"</p>
+<p><i>Village Dame</i> (<i>unabashed</i>). "Dear, dear! How time do fly!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i071.png">
+<img src="images/i071.png" width="100%" alt="Isn&#39;t the view marvellous" /></a>
+<p>"And she only charged eight-and-a-half guineas,
+and"&mdash;(<i>Interruption from Husbands.</i> "Isn't the view marvellous!"</p>
+<p><i>General chorus in reply.</i> "Oh&mdash;er&mdash;<i>Yes!</i>")&mdash;"and now I simply go there
+for everything!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i072.png">
+<img src="images/i072.png" width="100%" alt="French and English" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">French and English</span> (<i>as zey are spoke at ze country
+'ouse</i>).&mdash;<i>Hostess.</i> "Oh&mdash;er&mdash;j'espair ker voos avvy troovy
+votre&mdash;votre&mdash;er&mdash;er&mdash;votre <i>collar stud</i>, barrong?"</p>
+<p><i>M. le Baron.</i> "Oh, I zank you, yes! I find 'eem on my <i>chest of
+trowsers</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i073.png">
+<img src="images/i073.png" width="100%" alt="PERAMBULATORS NOT ADMITTED" /></a>
+<h3>PERAMBULATORS NOT ADMITTED</h3>
+<p><span class="smcap">A Disappointment.</span> [To <i>perambulate</i>, v.n.; in German, <i>spazieren</i>; in
+French, <i>se promener</i>; in Italian, <i>passeggiare</i>.]&mdash;<i>Johann Schmidt.</i>
+"Ach! vat a bitty, Mister Chones! Zen ve must not go therein to
+berampulate?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i074.png">
+<img src="images/i074.png" width="100%" alt="Beautiful specimen" /></a>
+<p><i>Chatty Tourist.</i> "Beautiful specimen of a Roman camp,
+this, isn't it?"</p>
+<p><i>Grim Stranger.</i> "<i>No</i>, sir, <i>no</i>! I decline to admit that there can be
+<i>any</i> true beauty about anything <i>Roman</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TWO LAST WORDS TO SWITZERLAND</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By a British Tourist and Family Man</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem w22"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">On Uri's lake, in Küsnacht's dell,</p>
+<p class="i0">What is the thought can almost quell</p>
+<p class="i0">Thy patriot memory, oh <span class="smcap">Tell</span>?</p>
+<p class="i12"><i>Hotel!</i></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Whether by blue crevasse we reel,</p>
+<p class="i0">Or list the avalanche's peal,</p>
+<p class="i0">What question blends with all we feel?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i12"><i>Wie Viel?</i></p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i075.png">
+<img src="images/i075.png" width="100%" alt="LUSUS NATURÆ" /></a>
+<h3>LUSUS NATURÆ</h3>
+<p><i>Excursion Tourist.</i> "Most extr'or'nary cre'char!"</p>
+<p><i>Facetious Rustic.</i> "Ah! that a be, measter, bred on this 'ere wery
+fa-arm he wor, tew!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">More English as she is Wrote.</span>&mdash;At an hotel at Socrabaja in Java is this
+notice:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"From the hours fixed for meals on no account will be deviated. For
+damage to furniture the proprietor will avenge himself on the person
+committing the same."</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Tired Nature.</span>"&mdash;A yawning gulf.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i076.png">
+<img src="images/i076.png" width="100%" alt="OUR BORES" /></a>
+<h3>OUR BORES, NATIVE AND FOREIGN</h3>
+<p>"Ach! I schbeague Enklish not vell, not vell at all! Pot, py a leadle
+bractice, I imbrove ver kvick! Vait till I haf talk to you for a gopple
+of hours, and you shall see!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 98]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i077.png">
+<img src="images/i077.png" width="100%" alt="SCENE AT THE &quot;LUCULLUS&quot;" /></a>
+<h3>A SCENE AT THE "LUCULLUS"</h3>
+<p><i>Mrs. Blunderby.</i> "Now, my dear Monty, let me order the luncheon
+ar-la-fraingsy. Gassong! I wish to begin&mdash;as we always do in Paris, my
+dears&mdash;with some <i>chef-d'&oelig;uvres</i>&mdash;you understand&mdash;some
+<i>chef-d'&oelig;uvres</i>."</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Emile, the waiter, is in despair. It occurs to him, however,
+presently that the lady probably meant "Hors d'&oelig;uvres,"
+and acts accordingly.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>TO A WELSH LADY.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Written at Clovelly.</i>)</center >
+
+<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The reason why I leave unsung</p>
+<p class="i0">Your praises in the Cymric tongue</p>
+<p class="i4">You know, sweet Nelly;</p>
+<p class="i0">You recollect your poet's crime&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">How, when he tried to sing "the time,"</p>
+<p class="i0">He made "the place" and "loved one" rhyme,</p>
+<p class="i4">You and Dolgelly!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But now, although a shocking dunce,</p>
+<p class="i0">I've learnt, in part, the Welsh pronunc-</p>
+<p class="i4">iation deathly.</p>
+<p class="i0">I dream of you in this sweet spot,</p>
+<p class="i0">And for your sake I call it what</p>
+<p class="i0">Its own inhabitants do not&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">That is "Clovethly"!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At Whitby.</span>&mdash;<i>Visitor</i> (<i>to Ancient Mariner, who has been relating his
+experiences to crowd of admirers</i>). Then do you mean to tell us that you
+actually reached the North Pole?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ancient Mariner.</i> No, sir; that would be a perwersion of the truth. But
+I seed it a-stickin' up among the ice just as plain as you can this
+spar, which I plants in the sand. It makes me thirsty to think of that
+marvellous sight, we being as it were parched wi' cold.</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>A. M.'s distress promptly relieved by audience.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE WALKING ENGLISHWOMAN ON THE ALPS</h2>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i078.png">
+<img src="images/i078.png" width="100%" alt="WALKING ENGLISHWOMAN" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem w24"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">You who look at home so charming&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Angel, goddess, nothing less&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Do you know you're quite alarming</p>
+<p class="i8">In that dress?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Such a garb should be forbidden;</p>
+<p class="i2">Where's the grace an artist loves?</p>
+<p class="i0">Think of dainty fingers hidden</p>
+<p class="i8">In those gloves!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Gloves! A housemaid would not wear them,</p>
+<p class="i2">Shapeless, brown and rough as sacks,</p>
+<p class="i0">Thick! And yet you often tear them</p>
+<p class="i8">With that axe!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Worst of all, unblacked, unshiny&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Greet them with derisive hoots&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Clumsy, huge! For feet so tiny!</p>
+<p class="i8">Oh, those boots!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i079.png">
+<img src="images/i079.png" width="100%" alt="finishing account of Alpine adventure" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Verandah of Swiss Hotel</i></h3>
+<p><i>Brown</i> (<i>finishing very lengthy account of Alpine adventure</i>).</p>
+<p>"And then, Miss Jones, then, just as dawn was breaking, I heard the
+voices of the guides above me, and I knew that I was saved&mdash;actually
+saved! My feelings, as I realised this, may be more easily imagined than
+described!"</p>
+<p><i>Miss Jones</i> (<i>fervently</i>). "Thank Heaven!"</p><br />
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>And Brown fondly imagined she was alluding to his escape</i>.
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i080.png">
+<img src="images/i080.png" width="100%" alt="CAUTIOUS" /></a>
+<h3>CAUTIOUS</h3>
+<p><i>Visitor</i> (<i>at out-of-the-way Inn in the North</i>). "Do you know anything
+about salmon-poaching in the neighbourhood?"</p>
+<p><i>Landlady</i> (<i>whose son is not above suspicion</i>). "Eh&mdash;no, sir. Maybe
+it's a new style of cooking as we haven't heard of in these parts, as
+you see, sir, we only do our eggs that way; and "&mdash;(<i>brightening
+up</i>)&mdash;"if you like 'em, I can get you a dish at once!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">The Seven Ages of Luggage</span></h2>
+
+<p><i>Baby.</i> Perambulator, bottle, robe, fingerless gloves and woollen shoes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Schoolboy.</i> Bat, ball, and aids to education.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lover.</i> Guitar, music-book, writing materials, and fur-lined overcoat.</p>
+
+<p><i>Justice.</i> Capon in basket, robes, and treatise upon ancient saws and
+modern instances.</p>
+
+<p><i>Soldier.</i> Sword, uniform case, standard work upon Reputation.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pantaloon.</i> Sausages, property red-hot poker, costume of motley,
+slippers and spectacle case.</p>
+
+<p><i>Veteran.</i> Travels without luggage.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Great Traveller.</span>&mdash;Dr. Watts was evidently in the habit of making
+pedestrian excursions on the Continent, for in one of his noblest lines,
+he expressly says&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Whene'er I take my walks abroad."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Innocent Abroad.</span>&mdash;You are misled in your view that the <i>Cours de
+Cuisine</i>, mentioned in the prospectus of a French school, means the run
+of the kitchen.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i081.png">
+<img src="images/i081.png" width="100%" alt="In the Swiss Highlands" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">In the Swiss Highlands.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Brown.</i> "This is rather a
+pretty figure. You start on the left foot, cut a drop three&mdash;then&mdash;&mdash;"
+(<i>Bump</i>)</p>
+<p><i>Little Girl</i> (<i>unmoved</i>). "Oh, <i>that's</i> why it's called a drop three,
+Mr. Brown!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i082.png">
+<img src="images/i082.png" width="100%" alt="Now smile" /></a>
+<p><i>Photographer</i> (<i>on tour, absent-mindedly</i>). "Now smile,
+please!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At the Celestial Restaurant.</span>&mdash;<i>Customer</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). Hi! waiter,
+what do you call this soup?</p>
+
+<p><i>Waiter</i> (<i>meekly</i>). I not know, sir, but ze padrone tell me to describe
+'im Cockstail!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i083.png">
+<img src="images/i083.png" width="100%" alt="Such a delightful expression" /></a>
+<p><i>Traveller</i> (<i>snap-shotting tropical river, suddenly
+confronted by hippopotamus</i>). "Just keep like that one moment, please!"
+(<i>Rapturously</i>) "Such a delightful expression!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Note by Our Traveller</span>&mdash;At a station on the Elham Valley Line, "Kentish
+Pianos" are advertised. Are these adapted for playing only dance tunes,
+and therefore specially serviceable in a "Hop" county?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>EASTER HOLIDAYS</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By One who has tried them</i>)</center>
+
+<p>Must really decide where to go for five or six days at Easter. Weather
+always awful. Usual Springtime. North-east wind, frost, snow and dust.
+Something like last week. Can't stop in London. One Sunday or Bank
+Holiday in London mournful enough. But four of them consecutively!
+Impossible!</p>
+
+<p>Innocent persons go to the south coast of England, thinking that fifty
+miles nearer the equator one is in quite a different climate.
+Bournemouth? Bosh! All sandy dust and depressing invalids. Torquay?
+Twaddle! Probably rain all the time, if not snow. England no good.
+Scotland or Ireland? Worse!</p>
+
+<p>Must go, as people say vaguely, "abroad." How about Paris? North-east
+wind, frost, snow and dust, worse than here. Streets windy, theatres
+draughty, cafés and restaurants suffocating. Brussels? Nothing but rain.
+Aix-les-Bains? Probably snow. Nice? That might do. No<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> frost or snow,
+but very likely a north-east wind and certainly lots of dust. Besides,
+thirty hours' journey out and thirty hours' journey back, would only
+leave about sixty hours there. No good. Rome, Seville, Constantinople,
+Cairo? Still farther. Should have to leave on the return journey before
+I arrived. Where can I go to at Easter to be warm and comfortable,
+without so much trouble? I know. To bed!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Regardless of the Temperature.</span>&mdash;<i>Facetious Australian</i> (<i>off Calshot
+Castle, to indisposed friend</i>). What arm of the sea reminds one of a
+borrowed boot?</p>
+
+<p><i>The "I. F."</i> (<i>feebly</i>). Give it&mdash;anything&mdash;up.</p>
+
+<p><i>F. A.</i> Why, the <i>Sole-lent</i>, to be sure.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>The "I. F." is promptly carried below.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At Bath.</span>&mdash;<i>Wiffling</i> (<i>sympathetically</i>). Here on account of the waters?</p>
+
+<p><i>Piffling.</i> No, unhappily. Here on account of the whiskies.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">A Question of the Hour.</span>"&mdash;Asking a railway porter the time of the next
+train's departure for your holiday resort.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i084.png">
+<img src="images/i084.png" width="100%" alt="Summit of Vesuvius" /></a>
+<p>Scene&mdash;<i>The Summit of Vesuvius</i></p>
+<p><i>American Tourist</i> (<i>to the world at large</i>). "Great snakes, it reminds
+me of hell!"</p>
+<p><i>English Tourist.</i> "My dear, how these Americans <i>do</i> travel!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i085.png">
+<img src="images/i085.png" width="100%" alt="lower yourself down" /></a>
+<p><i>Friend</i> (<i>below</i>). "All you've got to do when I throw
+you the rope is to make it fast to that projection over your head, and
+lower yourself down!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<img src="images/i086.png" width="100%" alt="THE CHURCH-GOING BELL" />
+<h3>"THE CHURCH-GOING BELL"</h3>
+<p>Sunday morning, coast of Norway. (<i>By our Yachting Artist.</i>)</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i087.png">
+<img src="images/i087.png" width="100%" alt="Sixteen knots an hour" /></a>
+<p><i>Parson.</i> "Yes, on one occasion I married four couples in
+a quarter of an hour. Quick work, wasn't it?"</p>
+<p><i>Nautical Young Lady.</i> "Yes, rather! Sixteen knots an hour!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>TO MY AIRSHIP</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>The poet is being piloted on his aerial flight by a prosaic
+mechanician. It is to the latter that the interpolations are due.</i>.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Thou elfin Puck, thou child of master mind!</p>
+<p class="i0">(Look out! the ballast's slipping off behind.)</p>
+<p class="i0">Thou swanlike Siren of the blue sublime!</p>
+<p class="i0">(Screw up that nut, and never mind the rhyme.)</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Thine 'tis to fathom Æther's highest pole!</p>
+<p class="i0">(This wind will fairly get us in a hole.)</p>
+<p class="i0">Thine to explore the azure-vaulted dome!</p>
+<p class="i0">(I wonder how the deuce we're going home.)</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Up, up, thou speedest, flaunting, flaunting high,</p>
+<p class="i0">Thy glist'ring frame emblazon'd 'gainst the sky;</p>
+<p class="i0">And myriad-minded fancies still pursue</p>
+<p class="i0">Thy gliding&mdash;(Blow! the anchor's fouled the screw!)</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Thou stormy petrel, kissing heaven's height,</p>
+<p class="i0">(Petrol! The rotten stuff declines to light)</p>
+<p class="i0">Onward thou soarest o'er the City's dust</p>
+<p class="i0">Shimmering, triumphant. (Gad! The motor's bust!)</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><i>Q.</i> Give the French for "a policeman's beat." <i>A.</i> <i>Un tour de Force.</i></center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> What is the difference between a traveller and a popular vegetable?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> One has been abroad and the other's a broad bean.</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit Querier rapidly.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i088.png">
+<img src="images/i088.png" width="100%" alt="The American Rush" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The American Rush.</span></h3>
+<p><i>American Tourist.</i> "Say, how long
+will it take to see over the ruins?"</p>
+<p><i>Caretaker.</i> "About an hour, sir."</p>
+<p><i>American Tourist.</i> "And how long will it take you to tell us about
+it?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i089.png">
+</a><img src="images/i089.png" width="100%" alt="Is this your favourite view" />
+<p>"Is this your favourite view, poppa darling?"</p>
+<p>"Why, certainly. But&mdash;ahem!&mdash;I prefer it <i>unframed</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i090.png">
+<img src="images/i090.png" width="100%" alt="Cold Comfort" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Cold Comfort.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Visitor to the West Indies</i> (<i>who has
+been warned against bathing in the river because of alligators, but has
+been told by the boatman that there are none at the river's mouth</i>). "By
+jove, this is ripping! But, I say, how do you know there are no
+alligators here?"</p>
+<p><i>Boatman.</i> "Well, you see, sah, de alligator am so turr'ble feared ob de
+shark!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>OVER THE SEA.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,&mdash;I read that two new cures for sea sickness have just
+been discovered: the one the eating of bananas; the other, found out by
+Professor Heinz, of Erlangen, who declares that the malady proceeds from
+the lobe of the brain, and that to avert it one has only to breathe
+freely. As to the Professor's theory about breathing freely, I can
+safely assert that I never open my mouth so wide as when crossing the
+Channel, but the experiment is an unpleasant failure.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Your obedient servant,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Dionysius Dabelrisk.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Peckham Rye.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At the Grand Hotel, Paris.</span>&mdash;<i>Blithers</i> (<i>of romantic turn of mind, to
+Smithers, after observing a young couple in close conversation in the
+court yard</i>). I'm sure they're engaged. I heard her call him Harry!</p>
+
+<p><i>Smithers</i> (<i>a matter-of-fact man</i>). What of that? I call my housemaid
+Emily! He's most probably her footman.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Smithers calls for absinthe.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i091.png">
+<img src="images/i091.png" width="100%" alt="Well Meant" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Well Meant, But&mdash;&mdash;.</span> <i>Motorist</i> (<i>with heated
+cylinders</i>). "Where can I get some water?"</p>
+<p><i>Rustic.</i> "There beant noo watter hereaboots&mdash;but ye can have a sup at
+my tea!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr><td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%">
+<a href="images/i092a.png">
+<img src="images/i092a.png" width="100%" alt="A difficult pass" /></a>
+</div></td>
+
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%">
+<a href="images/i092b.png">
+<img src="images/i092b.png" width="100%" alt="A kneesy climb" /></a>
+</div></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td align="center">A difficult pass</td><td align="center">A kneesy climb</td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%">
+<a href="images/i092c.png">
+<img src="images/i092c.png" width="100%" alt="A smiling valley" /></a>
+</div></td>
+
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%">
+<a href="images/i092d.png">
+<img src="images/i092d.png" width="100%" alt="A magnificent gorge" /></a>
+</div></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td align="center">A smiling valley</td><td align="center">A magnificent gorge</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">By the Silver Sea.</span>&mdash;<i>Seaside. Tripper&mdash;none too clean in
+appearance&mdash;charters bathing machine. Smart-looking schoolboy</i> (<i>about
+to enter next machine</i>), <i>loq.</i> I say, ma, I wish that dirty fellow
+wouldn't bathe here.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mamma.</i> Why, Tommy? If people of that sort were to bathe, they'd be as
+clean as you, you know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>eyeing Tripper closely</i>). Not in once, mamma!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i093.png">
+<img src="images/i093.png" width="100%" alt="AN APPRECIATION" /></a>
+<h3>AN APPRECIATION</h3>
+<center>(<i>Train entering Venice</i>)</center><br />
+<p><i>Fair American.</i> "Waal, I guess this is where the Adriatic slops over!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>SUMMER RESORTS</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Dreardon-cum-Slooze.</span></center>
+
+<p>Spring weather, in pleasing variety of sun and snow-shower, now prevails
+in this highly fla&mdash;favoured locality. Mr. Josiah Jorker, Chairman of
+the Rural District Council here, has bought four black Berkshire pigs,
+and to lean over the yard gate and inspect them is now a regular
+afternoon occupation. Discussion as to their merits runs high amongst
+our local magnates. Situate as this health-giving village is, it offers
+to the tired brain-worker complete rest, as there is no railway station
+within six miles, and only the day-before-yesterday's newspaper is
+obtainable.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Chawboodlecum.</span></center>
+
+<p>A fine bracing N.E. wind has dried the roads, and, amongst the aged and
+sick, made a clearance, thoroughly in accord with the "survival of the
+fittest" doctrine. Trade has never been more brisk with the local
+undertaker and the much-respected sexton. The cricket club opens its<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span>
+season to-day with a match against the neighbouring village of Sludgely.
+A "Sing-Song," or "Free and Easy," is held every Saturday night at the
+"Pig and Puppy-Dog," at which well-known hostelry visitors can find
+every accommodation.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Slackington.</span></center>
+
+<p>In this genial and mild air, where a steady, gentle rain falls on very
+nearly every day in the year, the Londoner, fleeing from the trying east
+winds of Spring, may find a welcome refuge. It is quite a pretty sight
+on Sundays to watch the people with their different coloured waterproofs
+stream out of church. There is a rumour that the present supply of cabs
+will shortly be augmented by one, if not two, fresh vehicles. On Monday
+last a German band played a charming selection of music in the market
+place, and there was a dog-fight in the High Street.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Porkbury.</span></center>
+
+<p>This charming spot only requires to be known, to insure plenty of
+patronage from visitors. The new pump is being pushed forward rapidly,
+and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> the Vicar intends to hold jumble sales once a week throughout the
+summer. This, in itself, will, it is expected, prove a great attraction.</p>
+
+<p>Police-Constable Slummers, whose urbanity and great consideration for
+the inhabitants (especially on Saturday nights) have always been so
+conspicuous, is about to leave, and some of the more prominent townsmen
+have taken the opportunity of marking their sense of his valuable
+services by presenting him with a handsome pewter pot, engraved with his
+name and the date.</p>
+
+<p>A piano-organist now regularly attends the weekly market, and his music
+is greatly appreciated by those engaged in buying and selling.</p>
+
+<p>At the Farmer's Eighteenpenny Ordinary, last week, Mr. Chumpjaw stated
+that his mangolds were "the whackin'est big 'uns" grown in the county.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At Boulogne.</span>&mdash;<i>Mrs. Sweetly</i> (<i>on her honeymoon</i>). Isn't it funny,
+Archibald, to see so many foreigners about? And all talking French!</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Patron Saint of Messrs. Cook.</span>&mdash;St. Martin of "Tours."</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i094.png">
+<img src="images/i094.png" width="100%" alt="There goes that awful liar" /></a>
+<p><i>Englishman</i> (<i>to friend</i>). "There goes that awful liar,
+who says he has climbed everything under the sun."</p>
+<p><i>Friend.</i> "Don't call him a liar. Rather say he has a great talent for
+exaggerating things that never happened."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i095.png">
+<img src="images/i095.png" width="100%" alt="A Pleasant Uncertainty" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Pleasant Uncertainty.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Gigantic Guide.</i> "Ze last party
+zat was 'ere&mdash;no one knew whezzer zey <i>shumped</i> over or was <i>thrown</i>
+over!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i096.png">
+<img src="images/i096.png" width="100%" alt="MALONGTONGDEW" /></a>
+<h3>A SLIGHT "MALONGTONGDEW"</h3>
+<p><i>Angelina.</i> "There are to be illuminations and fireworks, and they're to
+finish up with an 'ombrasmong général.' What can that be?"</p>
+<p><i>Edwin.</i> "Well, 'ombasser' means to 'kiss'; so I suppose it means a kind
+of a sort of a general kissing all round."</p>
+<p><i>Angelina.</i> "Horrid idea! I won't go near the place, and I'm sure you
+shan't, Edwin!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[Our readers, who know French better than E. and A., are aware that
+embrasement, with only one "s," has a totally different meaning.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i097.png">
+<img src="images/i097.png" width="100%" alt="Honeymooning in Paris" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Honeymooning in Paris.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Mrs. Jones.</i> "Am I not an expensive little wifie?"</p>
+<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>who has spent the morning and a small fortune at the Magasin
+du Louvre</i>). "Well, you <i>are</i> a little dear!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i098.png">
+<img src="images/i098.png" width="100%" alt="Quid Pro Quo" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Quid Pro Quo.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Madame Gaminot.</i> "Oh yes, Monsieur Jones,
+J'<i>adore</i> les Anglais! Zey understand bisnesse! For example, zey pay me
+sixty pound&mdash;fifteen 'undred franc&mdash;to sing 'La Blanchisseuse du
+Tambour-Major' at a evening party! It seem a great deal! But zey laugh,
+and zey say, 'Oh, sharmong! Oh, ravissong!' and it mek everybody sink
+zat everybody else know French&mdash;it almost mek zem sink zat zey know it
+zemselfs!!! Ça vaut bien quinze cents francs, j'espère!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i099.png">
+<img src="images/i099.png" width="100%" alt="I left my boots out last night" /></a>
+<p><i>Tourist</i> (<i>at small Irish inn, miles from anywhere</i>).
+"Look here, what does this mean? I left my boots out last night, and
+they haven't been touched."</p>
+<p><i>Landlord</i> (<i>with honest pride</i>). "Thrue for ye, sorr! An' begorr', if
+ye'd left your <i>gowld watch an' chain</i> out, div'l a sowl wud 'a touched
+them nayther!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i100.png">
+<img src="images/i100.png" width="100%" alt="&#39;Arry Abroad" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">'Arry Abroad.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Guide.</i> "Monsieur finds eet a vairy
+eenteresting old place, ees eet not?" <i>'Arry</i> (<i>who will speak French</i>).
+"Pas demi!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>BY THE SILVER SEA</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Drainsmouth.</span></center>
+
+<p>This popular health resort is now filled to over-flowing. The
+entertainments on the pier include animated photographs of a procession
+to the Woking Crematorium, and other cheerful and interesting subjects.
+The smells of the harbour may still be enjoyed to perfection at low
+water.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Shrimpley.</span></center>
+
+<p>The question of mixed bathing here has at length been set at rest by the
+Town Council issuing an order that nobody is to bathe at all. A decision
+so impartial as between the rival factions cannot fail to give
+satisfaction to all except the captious. Professor De Bach, with his
+performing dogs, gives an exhibition twice each day at the Pier
+Pavilion.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Lodgington-on-Sea.</span></center>
+
+<p>Warm and sunny weather still continues in this favoured spot. People
+wait half the morning for a bathing-machine and then look rather
+disappointed when they get it. The Simperton-<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> Swaggeringtons arrived
+yesterday, travelling first-class from the junction, two miles off (up
+to which point they had come third). This has excited some unfavourable
+comment in the town.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Smellington-Super-Mare.</span></center>
+
+<p>Large numbers of tripp&mdash;visitors, I mean, continue to pour into the town
+from Saturdays to Mondays, benefiting greatly by their small change. The
+lodging-house keepers also derive considerable benefit from their (the
+visitors') small change, especially when left lying about on the
+mantelpiece. No one could complain of dulness here now, for as I write,
+twenty-three barrel-organs, eleven troupes of nigger minstrels and four
+blind beggars with fiddles are amusing and delighting their listeners on
+the sands. The place is thoroughly lively, hardly an hour of the day
+passing without at least two street rows between inebriated
+excursionists taking place. The police force has been doubled, and the
+magistrates have given notice that, for the future, they will give no
+"option," and that all sentences for assaults in the streets will be
+with hard labour.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i101.png">
+<img src="images/i101.png" width="100%" alt="Philological" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Philological.</span></h3>
+<p><i>First English Groom</i> (<i>new to Paris</i>).
+"And the French gent as he drives round the corner, he pulls up quick,
+and calls out 'Woa!'"</p>
+<p><i>Second ditto</i> (<i>who has been in Paris some time</i>). "He couldn't have
+said <i>'Woa!'</i> as there ain't no 'W' in French."</p>
+<p><i>First ditto.</i> "No 'W' in French? Then 'ow d'yer spell 'wee'?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i102.png">
+<img src="images/i102.png" width="100%" alt="a harmless guana" /></a>
+<p>Alarming appearance of a harmless guana just as he has
+found a nice corner of Sydney Harbour for a sketch.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i103.png">
+<img src="images/i103.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Townmouse takes lodgings" /></a>
+<p>Mr. Townmouse takes lodgings for his family at a
+farmhouse in a remote district. Delightful spot; but they weren't so
+well off for butcher's meat as they could wish.</p>
+<p><i>Farmer.</i> "Now, if your lady 'ud like some nice pork&mdash;Oh! she does like
+pork?&mdash;Well, then, we shall kill a pig the week arter next."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i104.png">
+<img src="images/i104.png" width="100%" alt="A Nice Prospect" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Nice Prospect.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Traveller</i> (<i>benighted in the Black
+Country</i>). "Not a bed-room disengaged! Tut-t-t-t!"</p>
+<p><i>Landlady</i> (<i>who is evidently in the coal business as well</i>). "Oh, we'll accommodate you
+somehow, sir, if me and my 'usband gives you up our own bed, sir!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i105.png">
+<img src="images/i105.png" width="100%"
+ alt="I&#39;m so hungry I can&#39;t talk" title="" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Things one would rather have left Unsaid.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Professor Chatterleigh.</i> "By George! I'm so hungry I can't <i>talk!</i>"</p>
+<p><i>Fair Hostess</i> (<i>on hospitable thoughts intent</i>). "Oh, I'm <i>so</i> glad!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i106.png">
+<img src="images/i106.png" width="100%" alt="ÆSTHETICS" /></a>
+<h3>ÆSTHETICS</h3>
+<p><i>Indiscreet Sister.</i> "Why, Harry, your legs are getting more
+<i>Chippendale</i> than ever!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i107.png">
+<img src="images/i107.png" width="100%" alt="JOYS OF TOURING" /></a>
+<h3>THE JOYS OF TOURING</h3>
+<p><i>Traveller.</i> "I say, your razor's pulling most confoundedly!"</p>
+<p><i>Local Torturer.</i> "Be it, zur? Wull, 'old on tight to the chair, an'
+we'll get it off zummow!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i108.png">
+<img src="images/i108.png" width="100%" alt="Cheering" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Cheering.</span></h3>
+<p><i>First Artist</i> (<i>on a pedestrian tour</i>). "Can
+you tell which is the best inn in Baconhurst?"</p>
+<p><i>Rustic</i> (<i>bewildered</i>). "Dunno."</p>
+<p><i>Second Artist</i> (<i>tired</i>). "But we can get beds there, I suppose? Where
+do travellers generally go?"</p>
+<p><i>Rustic.</i> "Go to the union moostly!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i109.png">
+<img src="images/i109.png" width="100%" alt="MIND AND MATTER-OF-FACT" /></a>
+<h3>MIND AND MATTER-OF-FACT</h3>
+<p><i>Cotton-Man</i> (<i>fro' Shoddydale</i>). "What dun yo' co' that wayter?"</p>
+<p><i>Coachman.</i> "Ah, ain't it beautiful? That's Grassmere Lake, that is&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Cotton-Man.</i> "Yo' co'n 'um all la-akes an' meres i' these pa-arts. We
+co'n 'um rezzer-voyers where ah com' fro'!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Would the epigrammatic translation of "<i>sede vacanti</i>" as "Not well and
+gone away for a holiday" be accepted by an examiner?</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Winter Resort for Bronchially-affected Persons.</span>&mdash;Corfe Castle.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i110.png">
+<img src="images/i110.png" width="100%" alt="never been to London" /></a>
+<p><i>Visitor.</i> "And so you've never been to London! Oh, but
+you must go. It's quite an easy journey, you know."</p>
+<p><i>Gaffer Stokes.</i> "Ah, Oi'd main loike to see Lunnon, Oi wud. Reckon Oi
+must go afore Oi'm done for. <i>Now which moight be their busy day there,</i>
+mister?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">To Intending Tourists</span>&mdash;"Where shall we go?" All depends on the "coin of
+'vantage." Switzerland? Question of money. Motto.&mdash;<i>"Point d'argent
+point de Suisse."</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>On the Quay. Ocean liner's syren fog-horn emitting short,
+sharp grunts.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Little Girl.</i> Oh, mamma, that <i>poor</i> ship must have a drefful pain in
+its cabin!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Wasted Sympathy.</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Interior of Railway Carriage. Lady</i> (<i>to
+gentleman who has just entered and is placing one of his fellow
+passenger's bags on the floor where there is a hot-water bottle</i>). Oh!
+Excuse me, sir, but, <i>please</i> don't put <i>that</i> near the hot-water
+bottle. I've got a little bird in the bag.</p>
+
+<p><i>Elderly Gentleman</i> (<i>who is an enthusiastic Anti-Vivisectionist and
+prominent member of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals</i>).
+Good Heavens, madam! a bird in there! Please consider! How cruel! how
+inhuman! how&mdash;&mdash; (<i>gasps for words</i>).</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady.</i> Not at all, my dear sir. <i>It's a roast partridge, cold, for
+lunch.</i></p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Collapse of Enthusiast.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Unpleasantly Suggestive Names of "Cure" Places Abroad.</span>&mdash;<i>Bad Gastein.</i>
+Which must be worse than the first day's sniff at Bad-Eggs-la-Chapelle.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Rotatory Knife (and Fork) Machines.</span>&mdash;Pullman dining cars.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Line which is often Drawn.</span>&mdash;The Equator.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i111.png">
+<img src="images/i111.png" width="100%" alt="not Pedantic" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Thorough but not Pedantic.</span> (<i>Overheard at the
+Louvre.</i>)&mdash;<i>American Tourist</i> (<i>suspiciously</i>). "Say, guide, haven't we
+seen this room before?"</p>
+<p><i>Guide.</i> "Oh no, monsieur."</p>
+<p><i>Tourist.</i> "Well, see here. We want to see everything, but we don't want
+to see anything twice!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i112.png">
+<img src="images/i112.png" width="100%" alt="Modern Accomplishments" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Modern Accomplishments.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Captain Brown</i> (<i>narrating his trip to the
+Continent</i>). "Then, of course, we ran down to Granada, and saw the
+Alhambra&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Captain Jinks</i> (<i>untravelled athlete</i>). "No!! What, have they got one
+there too!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i113.png">
+<img src="images/i113.png" width="100%" alt="Filial Anxiety." /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Filial Anxiety.</span></h3>
+<p>"Going to Paris to-morrow, Tom!"</p>
+<p>"How's that?"</p>
+<p>"My poor old governor's taken ill there!"</p>
+<p>"Going by Dieppe or Boulogne?"</p>
+<p>"Rather think I shall go <i>via Monaco</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i114.png">
+<img src="images/i114.png" width="100%" alt="OVERDOING IT" /></a>
+<h3>OVERDOING IT</h3>
+<p><i>Sympathiser.</i> "Sorry you look so seedy after your holiday, old chap!"</p>
+<p><i>Too Energetic Sight-seer.</i> "Well, I am a bit done up, but the doctor
+says that with rest and great care I may be well enough to have a
+run-round as usual next year."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i115.png">
+<img src="images/i115.png" width="100%" alt="a profound feeling of awe" /></a>
+<p><i>Gushing Young Lady</i> (<i>to Mr. Dunk, who has just returned
+from Rome</i>). "They say, Mr. Dunk, that when one sets foot in Rome for
+the first time, one experiences a profound feeling of awe. The chaos of
+ruined grandeur, the magnificent associations, seem too much for one to
+grasp. Tell me, oh tell me, Mr. Dunk, what did <i>you</i> think of it all?"</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Dunk</i> (<i>deliberately, after considering awhile</i>). "<i>Very</i> nice!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i116.png">
+<img src="images/i116.png" width="100%" alt="Carry your trunk" /></a>
+<h3>"Carry your trunk, sir?"</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE.</span>&mdash;<i>Miss Tomboy.</i> Mamma, I think those French women
+were beastly rude.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother.</i> You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong.
+And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Tomboy.</i> Well, they <i>were</i> rude. They called me a little cabbage
+(<i>mon petit chou</i>). The next time they do that I shall call them old
+French beans.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i117.png">
+<img src="images/i117.png" width="100%" alt="HOTEL BRIGANDAGE" /></a>
+<h3>THE TOURIST SEASON. HOTEL BRIGANDAGE</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>DE GUSTIBUS&mdash;&mdash;</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w24"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I am an unadventurous man,</p>
+<p class="i0">And always go upon the plan</p>
+<p class="i0">Of shunning danger where I can.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And so I fail to understand</p>
+<p class="i0">Why every year a stalwart band</p>
+<p class="i0">Of tourists go to Switzerland,</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And spend their time for several weeks,</p>
+<p class="i0">With quaking hearts and pallid cheeks,</p>
+<p class="i0">Scaling abrupt and windy peaks.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">In fact, I'm old enough to find</p>
+<p class="i0">Climbing of almost any kind</p>
+<p class="i0">Is very little to my mind.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">A mountain summit white with snow</p>
+<p class="i0">Is an attractive sight, I know,</p>
+<p class="i0">But why not see it <i>from below</i>?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Why leave the hospitable plain</p>
+<p class="i0">And scale Mont Blanc with toil and pain</p>
+<p class="i0">Merely to scramble down again?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Some men pretend they think it bliss</p>
+<p class="i0">To clamber up a precipice</p>
+<p class="i0">Or dangle over an abyss,</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">To crawl along a mountain side,</p>
+<p class="i0">Supported by a rope that's tied,</p>
+<p class="i0">&mdash;Not too securely&mdash;to a guide;</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But such pretences, it is clear,</p>
+<p class="i0">In the aspiring mountaineer</p>
+<p class="i0">Are usually insincere.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And many a climber, I'll be bound,</p>
+<p class="i0">Whom scarped and icy crags surround,</p>
+<p class="i0">Wishes himself on level ground.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So I, for one, do not propose,</p>
+<p class="i0">To cool my comfortable toes</p>
+<p class="i0">In regions of perpetual snows,</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">As long as I can take my ease,</p>
+<p class="i0">Fanned by a soothing southern breeze,</p>
+<p class="i0">Under the shade of English trees.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And anyone who leaves my share</p>
+<p class="i0">Of English fields and English air</p>
+<p class="i0">May take the Alps for aught I care!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Sport most Appropriate to the Locality</span>.&mdash;Shooting pigeons at Monte
+Carlo.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Pleasure à la Russe.</span>&mdash;<i>Q.</i> When does a Russian give a Polish peasant a
+holiday?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> When he gives him <i>a kn</i>outing.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Cry of the Holiday-loving Clerk.</span>&mdash;"Easterward Ho!"</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A dish that disagrees with most Persons when Travelling.</span>&mdash;The Chops of
+the Channel.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Greatest Bore in Creation.</span>&mdash;The Simplon Tunnel.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>The Brown Family Resolve To Spend Their Vacation Each
+After His Own Fashion, Instead Of <i>en Famille</i>.</h2>
+
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%">
+<a href="images/i118a.png">
+<img src="images/i118a.png" width="100%" alt="Jack took his motor car" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i118b.png">
+<img src="images/i118b.png" width="100%" alt="Maud and Ethel" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td><b>Jack took his motor car of course.</b>&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+<td>&nbsp;&nbsp;<b>Maud and Ethel started on a Biking Tour.</b></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr>
+<td align="left">"My Dear Sir,<br /> I tell you there is not<br /> a city in the whole<br /> of Europe that
+is a<br /> patch upon Florence. Why<br /> I found the finest<br /> English chemists there<br />
+that I have come across<br /> in all my travels."
+</td>
+
+<td>
+<div class="figright" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i118c.png">
+<img src="images/i118c.png" width="100%" alt="Pater preferred &quot;Cooks&quot;" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr><td></td>
+<td><b>Pater preferred "Cooks".</b></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br />
+<br />
+
+<center>
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i118d.png">
+<img src="images/i118d.png" width="100%" alt="Mater in Devonshire" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%">
+<a href="images/i118e.png">
+<img src="images/i118e.png" width="100%" alt="Bob went canoeing" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td><b>Mater had "quiet time" in Devonshire.</b></td>
+<td>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<b>Bob went canoeing.</b>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br /><br />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i118f.png">
+<img src="images/i118f.png" width="100%" alt="Give me good ole Margit'." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<center><b>While Mary Ann says 'Give me good ole Margit'.</b></center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i119.png">
+<img src="images/i119.png" width="100%" alt="The Antiquary" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Antiquary.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Tourist</i> (<i>in Cornwall</i>). "May I be
+permitted to examine that interesting stone in your field? These ancient
+Druidical remains are most interesting!"</p>
+<p><i>Farmer.</i> "Sart'nly, sir. 'May be very int'restin' an' arnshunt, but we
+do stick 'em oup for the cattle, an' call 'em roubbin' pusts!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%">
+<a href="images/i120.png">
+<img src="images/i120.png" width="80%" alt="a driving tour" /></a>
+<p><i>Smithson, having read and heard much of the pleasures of
+a driving tour, determines to indulge in that luxury during his
+Whitsuntide holidays. He therefore engages a trap, with a horse that can
+"get over the ground," and securing the services of an experienced
+driver, he sets forth.</i></p>
+<p><i>Smithson.</i> "A&mdash;a&mdash;isn't he&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;hadn't I better help you to pull at
+him?"</p>
+<p><i>Driver.</i> "Pull at 'im? Why yer'd set 'im crazed! Jist you let me keep
+is 'ead straight. Lor' bless yer, there ain't no cause to be affeared,
+as long as we don't meet nothing, and the gates ain't shut at
+Splinterbone crossing, jist round the bend."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i121.png">
+<img src="images/i121.png" width="100%" alt="Is this path safe" /></a>
+<p><i>Stout Party.</i> "Is this path safe?"</p>
+<p><i>Flippant Youth.</i> "Yes, the path is&mdash;but I can't answer for <i>you</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i122.png">
+<img src="images/i122.png" width="100%" alt="&#39;urry up paintin&#39; that tree" /></a>
+<p>"Will you 'urry up paintin' that tree, sir? Cause I'm
+goin' to cut it down in a quarter of an hour."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i123.png">
+<img src="images/i123.png" width="100%" alt="in search of &quot;the unique" /></a>
+<p><i>Tourist</i> (<i>in search of "the unique," after admiring old
+cottage</i>). "Is there anything else to look at in the village?"</p>
+<p><i>Village Dame.</i> "Lor' bless 'ee, why there's the beautiful new
+recr'ation ground as we've just 'ad made!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i124.png">
+<img src="images/i124.png" width="100%" alt="A Pastoral Rebuke" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Pastoral Rebuke.</span></h3>
+<p><i>First Pedestrian</i> (<i>they've lost
+their way</i>), "Look here. This must be the east, mustn't it? There's the
+chancel window&mdash;that's always east; then the south must be&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>High-Church Priest</i> (<i>"turning up" suddenly out of the vestry</i>), "I beg
+your pardon, gentlemen, but I can't allow my church to be used for a
+secular purpose. You'll find an unconsecrated weathercock on the barn
+yonder!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i125.png">
+<img src="images/i125.png" width="100%" alt="where I shall find a seat" /></a>
+
+<p><i>Visitor.</i> "Will you tell me where I shall find a seat?"</p>
+<p><i>Verger.</i> "Weel, sir, there's a guid wheen veesitors in Inverness the
+noo: so sit whaur ye can see yer umbrella!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>TIPS FOR TRAVELLERS</h2>
+
+<p>Toddlekins is anxious to take his family to Mars this summer, and
+inquires where he can hire a speedy balloon for the purpose. He is
+anxious to know whether he can obtain golf there, and also whether the
+roads are good for bicycling. He is recommended to apply for information
+to the Astronomer-Royal. But why should Toddlekins trouble to go so far
+afield? He would be sure to find congenial society in the neighbourhood
+of Hanwell, and by selecting this spot as his destination, the expense
+of a return ticket would be saved.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Anxious Mother.</span>&mdash;So glad that you intend taking your dear ten children
+to Poppleton-on-Sea for three weeks' change of air. And all that you
+tell me about Timothy's pet rabbit and Selina's last attack of measles
+is so deeply interesting. Unfortunately I cannot answer all your
+questions myself, but I will print them here, so that some of my kind
+readers may be able to assist you. You want to know, in regard to
+Poppleton<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>(1) Whether the pavements (if any) are stone or asphalte.</p>
+
+<p>(2) What is the mean temperature, the annual rain-fall, and the
+death-rate.</p>
+
+<p>(3) What are the Rector's "views," and if there is a comfortable pew in
+the church, out of draughts, calculated to hold eleven.</p>
+
+<p>(4) What time the shops at Poppleton close on Saturdays.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dubious.</span>&mdash;As you say, it <i>is</i> difficult to make up one's mind where to
+spend the holidays, because there are so many places from which to
+choose. And you were so wise to write and ask me to give you the name of
+one single place which I could thoroughly recommend, and so save you all
+further worry. How about Brighton, Hastings, Eastbourne, Bexhill,
+Seaford, Cowes, Weymouth, Exmouth, Penzance, Lynton, or Tenby? I am
+delighted to give you this real and valuable help!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Picnic-Party.</span>&mdash;You have my full sympathy. It is most churlish of
+riparian owners to refuse to allow strangers to land on their property.
+Fancy any one objecting to having his lawn covered with broken bottles
+and paper bags!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Owner.</span>&mdash;I feel deeply for you. The way in which trippers on the river
+invade riverside gardens is outrageous. The bags and pieces of glass
+they leave about must be a gross disfigurement to your lawn.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i126.png">
+<img src="images/i126.png" width="100%" alt="Introduction made Easy" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Introduction made Easy.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Invalid-Chair Attendant.</i> "If
+you should have a fancy for any partickler party, I can easily bump
+'em."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i127.png">
+<img src="images/i127.png" width="100%" alt="&#39;Alf ebb" /></a>
+<p><i>Miss Binns</i> (<i>breathless, hurrying to catch London train
+after week-end trip</i>). "Can you please tell me the <i>exact</i> time?"</p>
+<p><i>Old Salt.</i> "'Alf ebb."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A MOUNTAIN RAMBLER</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By a Returned Traveller</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem w24"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I've scanned and penned an Ode on</p>
+<p class="i0">Thy snowy glories, Snowdon</p>
+<p class="i0">My honeymoon with Helen,</p>
+<p class="i0">Was spent near "dark" Helvellyn,</p>
+<p class="i0">Afar from all the <i>beau monde</i></p>
+<p class="i0">I've rambled round Ben Lomond,</p>
+<p class="i0">At noontide on Ben Nevis,</p>
+<p class="i0">I've roved and read <i>Sir Bevis</i>,</p>
+<p class="i0">I've stretched each tired thin limb on</p>
+<p class="i0">Thy summit, O Plinlimmon,</p>
+<p class="i0">And once I tore my breeks</p>
+<p class="i0">On Macgillycuddy's Reeks.</p>
+<p class="i2">Those glorious mountain scalps,</p>
+<p class="i0">The tiptops of the Alps,</p>
+<p class="i0">I've seen&mdash;their pines and passes,</p>
+<p class="i0">Their glaciers and crevasses<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">With fools, philosophers and wits,</p>
+<p class="i0">I've scrambled up the Ortler Spitz,</p>
+<p class="i0">Made sketches on St. Gothard,</p>
+<p class="i0">Like Turner and like Stothard,</p>
+<p class="i0">And with my <i>cara sposa</i></p>
+<p class="i0">Ascended Monte Rosa:</p>
+<p class="i0">But not content with Europe,</p>
+<p class="i0">I've roamed with staff and new rope</p>
+<p class="i0">As far away as Ararat,</p>
+<p class="i0">Where <i>savants</i> say there's ne'er a rat;</p>
+<p class="i0">The Kuen Lun and Thian Shan</p>
+<p class="i0">I know as well as any man;</p>
+<p class="i0">I've boiled my evening kettle</p>
+<p class="i0">On Popocatapetl,</p>
+<p class="i0">And on the highest Andes</p>
+<p class="i0">I've sodas mixed and brandies;</p>
+<p class="i0">I've slumbered snug and cosey</p>
+<p class="i0">On silvery Potosi;</p>
+<p class="i0">I've stood on Peter Botto,</p>
+<p class="i0">A rather lonely spot;</p>
+<p class="i0">And&mdash;crowning feat of all</p>
+<p class="i0">My mountaineerings on this ball&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">I've smoked&mdash;O weed for ever blest!</p>
+<p class="i0">My pipe upon Mount Everest.</p>
+<p class="i2">And now my ramble's over,</p>
+<p class="i0">Here's Shakspeare's Cliff and Dover!</p>
+<p class="i0">All Alpine risks and chances,</p>
+<p class="i0">All Ultramontane fancies,</p>
+<p class="i0">I've put away and done with;</p>
+<p class="i0">I'll stay my wife and son with,</p>
+<p class="i0">And never more will roam</p>
+<p class="i0">From Primrose Hill and home.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i128.png">
+<img src="images/i128.png" width="100%" alt="The Festive Season" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Festive Season.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Visitor to the District</i> (<i>who has
+missed his way</i>). "Can you tell me, my good man, if I shall pass the
+'Red Lion' inn along this road?"</p>
+<p><i>The Village Toper.</i> "Oi wouldn't like to be saying wut a gen'leman
+loike ye wud be doin'; but Oi'm parfect sartin Oi shouldn't!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i129.png">
+<img src="images/i129.png" width="100%" alt="Queen&#39;s Hotel, Ambleside" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Queen's Hotel, Ambleside, 3 o'clock, a.m.</span>&mdash;"Tom!" (<i>No
+response.</i>) "I say, Tom!" (<i>No answer.</i>) "Tom!" (<i>A muffled grunt.</i>)
+"Tom&mdash;Fire!"</p>
+<p>"Eh? What? What do you say?"</p>
+<p>"I say Tom, do you think your key will fit my bag?"</p>
+<p>"<i>No</i>&mdash;'t won't&mdash;Chubb!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Objurgations, and midnight disturber retires.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i130.png">
+<img src="images/i130.png" width="100%" alt="Our Compatriots Abroad" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Our Compatriots Abroad.</span></h3>
+<p>"And how did you like Switzerland?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, immensely! It was our first visit, you know!"</p>
+<p>"And did you go on into Italy?"</p>
+<p>"Well, no. We found a hotel at Lausanne where there was a first-rate
+tennis-lawn, you know&mdash;quite as good as ours at home. So we spent the
+whole of our holiday there, and played lawn-tennis all day long."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i131.png">
+<img src="images/i131.png" width="100%" alt="AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY" /></a>
+<h3>AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY</h3>
+<p><i>The Professor</i> (<i>who has just come back from the North Pole).</i> "&mdash;&mdash;
+and the fauna of these inhospitable regions is as poor as the flora! You
+couldn't name a dozen animals who manage to live there."</p>
+<p><i>Mrs. Malapert.</i> "Oh&mdash;I dare say I could!"</p>
+<p><i>The Professor.</i> "Really&mdash;what <i>are</i> they?"</p>
+<p><i>Mrs. Malapert.</i> "Well, now&mdash;five polar bears, let us say, and&mdash;and
+seven seals!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i132.png">
+<img src="images/i132.png" width="100%" alt="Can we have beds here" /></a>
+<p><i>First Traveller.</i> "Can we have beds here to-night?"</p>
+<p><i>Obliging Hostess.</i> "Oh, yes, sir."</p>
+<p><i>First Traveller.</i> "Have you&mdash;er&mdash;any&mdash;er&mdash;<i>insects</i> in this house?"</p>
+<p><i>Obliging Hostess.</i> "No, sir. <i>But we can get you some!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i133.png">
+<img src="images/i133.png" width="100%" alt="How horrid" /></a>
+<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>to her travelling companion, who has just had
+his finger-nail pinched badly</i>). "How horrid! I always think anything
+wrong with one's nails sets one's teeth on edge all down one's back!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i134.png">
+<img src="images/i134.png" width="100%" alt="NEARING THE ENGLISH COAST" /></a>
+<h3>NEARING THE ENGLISH COAST</h3>
+<p><i>Jones.</i> (<i>Returning to England</i>). "We are quite fifty miles from the
+Scilly Isles, Miss Brown. They say the odour of the flowers they
+cultivate there travels that distance over the sea. I can detect it
+distinctly now&mdash;can't you?"</p>
+<p><i>Miss Brown</i> (<i>from America</i>). "I guess it hasn't <i>quite</i> reached me
+yet, Mr. Jones!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i135.png">
+<img src="images/i135.png" width="100%" alt="Certain Condescension in Foreigners" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">On a Certain Condescension in Foreigners.</span></h3>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Oh, you're from America, are you? People often say to me, 'Don't you dislike
+Americans?' But I always say 'I believe there are some very nice ones
+among them.'"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Ah, I dare say there <i>may</i> be two or three nice people amongst
+millions!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i136.png">
+<img src="images/i136.png" width="100%" alt="Our Countrymen Abroad" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Our Countrymen Abroad.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Mr. Shoddy.</i> "<i>I</i> always say,
+Mrs. Sharp, that I never feel really safe from the ubiquitous British
+snob till I am south of the Danube!"</p>
+<p><i>Mrs. Sharp</i> (<i>innocently</i>). "And what do the&mdash;a&mdash;<i>South Danubians</i> say,
+Mr. Shoddy?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i137.png">
+<img src="images/i137.png" width="100%" alt="Did you ring" /></a>
+<p><i>Waiter.</i> "Did you ring, Sir?"</p>
+<p><i>Traveller</i> (<i>as a gentle hint to previous arrival</i>). "<i>Another fire</i>,
+waiter!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i138.png">
+<img src="images/i138.png" width="100%" alt="George and I will be furnishing" /></a>
+<p><i>Mr. Smith.</i> "Oh, I was wondering whether you and your
+husband would care to accompany our party to Hadrian's Villa to-morrow?"</p>
+<p><i>Young American Bride.</i> "Why, yes; we'd just love to go. George and I
+will be furnishing as soon as we get back to Noo York, and maybe we'd be
+able to pick up a few notions over at this villa."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i139.png">
+<img src="images/i139.png" width="100%" alt="UNANSWERABLE" /></a>
+<h3>UNANSWERABLE</h3>
+<p><i>Pompous Magnate</i> (<i>making speech at public luncheon in provincial
+town</i>). "Speaking of travel reminds me how greatly I have admired the
+scenery round Lake Geneva, and also what pleasant times I have spent in
+the neighbourhood of Lake Leman."</p>
+<p><i>Cultured Neighbour</i> (<i>in audible whisper</i>). "Pardon me, but the two
+places are synonymous."</p>
+<p><i>P. M.</i> (<i>patronisingly</i>). "Ah! So <i>you</i> may think, sir&mdash;so <i>you</i> may
+think! But, from my point of view, I consider Lake Geneva to be far the
+most synonymous of the two."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i140.png">
+<img src="images/i140.png" width="100%" alt="It&#39;s an Ill Wind" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">It's an Ill Wind</span>," &amp;c.</h3>
+<p>"Oh, papa! what <i>do</i> you think? Four out of our twelve boxes are missing."</p>
+<p>"Hurrah! By George! that's the best piece of news I've had for a long
+time."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i141.png">
+<img src="images/i141.png" width="100%" alt="I&#39;m ashamed of you" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">An Epicure.</span></h3>
+<p>"Oh, George, I'm ashamed of you&mdash;rubbing
+your lips like that, after that dear little French girl has given you a
+kiss!"</p>
+<p>"I'm not rubbing it <i>out</i>, mammy&mdash;I'm rubbing it <i>in</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A COWES WEEK EXPERIENCE</h2>
+
+<p><i>Monday.</i>&mdash;Dear old Bluewater&mdash;what a good fellow he is!&mdash;asks me to
+join his yacht, the <i>Sudden Jerk</i>, for Cowes week. Never been yachting
+before.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Arrive Ryde Pier, correctly (I hope) "got up"; blue serge,
+large brass anchor buttons, and peaked cap. Fancy Bluewater rather
+surprised to see how <i>au fait</i> I am at nautical dress. "Ah! my dear
+fellow, delighted to see you. Come along; the gig is lying alongside the
+steps. One of the hands" (why "hands"?) "shall look to your traps." We
+scramble into gig and are rowed out to 50-ton yawl. Climb up side.
+Bluewater says, "Come below. Take care&mdash;two steps down, then turn round
+and&mdash;&mdash; Oh! by Jove! what a crack you've caught your head. Never mind,
+old boy, you'll soon get accustomed to it." Devoutly hope I shall <i>not</i>
+get accustomed to knocking my head. Arrive at foot of "companion" (why
+"companion"?) stairs. Bluewater pulls aside curtains and says, "<i>There</i>
+you are!" Reply, "Oh! yes,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> there I am. Er&mdash;is&mdash;do you lie on the
+shelf&mdash;oh! berth, is it!&mdash;beg pardon&mdash;or underneath it?" He explains.
+"You'll find it very jolly, you know; you can lie in your bunk, and look
+right up the companion to the sky above." "Oh! awfully jolly," I say. We
+repair on deck. Get under weigh to run down to Cowes. Dear old Bluewater
+very active. Pulls at ropes and things, shouting
+"leggo-your-spinach-and-broom,"<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a> and other unintelligible war-cries.
+Stagger across deck. Breeze very fresh. "Lee oh!" shouts Bluewater;
+"mind the broom!"&mdash;or it might have been boom&mdash;and next moment am
+knocked flat on my back by enormous pole.</p>
+
+<p>Arrive Cowes. Crowd of yachts. Drop anchor for night. Go below, damp
+face in tiny iron basin; yacht lurches and rolls all the water out over
+new white shoes. Enter saloon, tripping over some one's kit-bag at the
+door. Try to save myself by clutching at swing-table, which upsets and
+empties soup tureen all over my trousers. Retire, change, return. Host
+and I sit down and proceed to chase fried soles backwards and forwards
+across treacherous swing-table. "<i>Now</i>, my dear fellow<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span> isn't this
+jolly? Isn't this worth all your club dinners?" Reply "Oh, yes,"
+enthusiastically. Privately, should prefer club in London. Weather gets
+worse. Try to smoke. Don't seem to care for smoking, somehow. Feel
+depressed, and ask dear old Bluewater to describe a sailor's grave.
+Tries to cheer me up by saying, "Don't waste the precious moments, my
+friend, on such sad subjects. You are not born to fill a seaman's grave.
+There's a class of man not born to be drowned, you know." Then he laughs
+heartily. Try to smile; fail. Pitching and rocking motion increases.
+Retire early and lie down on shelf. Fall off twice. Manage to reach
+perch again. Weather gets worse. Shall never sleep with noise of
+trampling on deck and waves washing yacht's sides. Shall never&mdash;&mdash;
+Sudden misgiving. <i>Am</i> I going to be&mdash;&mdash;? Oh! no, must be passing
+dizziness. It cannot possibly be.... IT IS!!!</p>
+
+<p>Am rowed ashore, bag and baggage, next morning. Dear old Bluewater tries
+to keep me from going, and says, "What, after all, <i>is</i> sea-sickness?"
+Dear old Bluewater must be an ass. Confound old Bluewater!</p>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> Qy. spinnaker boom.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed.</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i142.png">
+<img src="images/i142.png" width="100%" alt="THE EXCURSION" /></a>
+<h3>THE EXCURSION.</h3>
+<p><i>Head of Family.</i> "I reckon some of us'll have to stand, or we shan't
+all get seats!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i143.png">
+<img src="images/i143.png" width="100%" alt="CAUSE AND EFFECT" /></a>
+<h3>CAUSE AND EFFECT</h3>
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown.</i> "I had such a lovely bathe last Thursday, dear."</p>
+<p><i>Niece.</i> "That was the day of the tidal wave, wasn't it, Auntie?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i144.png">
+<img src="images/i144.png" width="100%" alt="Stonehenge" /></a>
+<p>How Stonehenge might be popularised if the Government
+bought it. Suggestion gratis.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i145.png">
+<img src="images/i145.png" width="100%" alt="How does one get into the churchyard" /></a>
+<p><i>Full-sized Tripper.</i> "How does one get into the
+churchyard, please?"</p>
+<p><i>Simple Little Native.</i> "Through this 'ere 'ole!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i146.png">
+<img src="images/i146.png" width="100%" alt="What&#39;s the name of this village" /></a>
+<p><i>Walking Tourist.</i> "What's the name of this village, my
+man?"</p>
+<p><i>Yokel.</i> "Oi dunno, zur. Oi only bin 'ere a month!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i147.png">
+<img src="images/i147.png" width="100%" alt="THE OLD WORLD AND THE NEW" /></a>
+<h3>THE OLD WORLD AND THE NEW</h3>
+<p><i>Fair Yankee</i> (<i>in Egypt</i>). "I say, uncle, can yew tell me, air there
+ever any new camels? I guess all I've seen must be second-hand!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">An Uncongenial Spot for Teetotalers.</span>&mdash;Barmouth.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Man who beats about the Bush.</span>&mdash;An Australian.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 55%">
+<a href="images/i148.png">
+<img src="images/i148.png" width="100%" alt="IN PERIL OF PRECIPITATION" /></a>
+<h3>"IN PERIL OF PRECIPITATION"&mdash;<i>Coriolanus</i>, iii. 3.</h3>
+<p><i>Stout Party.</i> "Hi! boy, stop! I'm going to get off."</p>
+<p><i>Donkey Boy.</i> "Yer carn't, marm. There ain't room!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i149.png">
+<img src="images/i149.png" width="100%" alt="Detected" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Detected.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Clerical Tourist</i> (<i>visiting cathedral</i>).
+"Always open, eh? And do you find that people come here on week-days for
+rest and meditation?"</p>
+<p><i>Verger.</i> "Ay, that they do, odd times. Why, I catched some of 'em at it
+only last Toosday!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i150.png">
+<img src="images/i150.png" width="100%" alt="Well, if that&#39;s David" /></a>
+<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "Well, if that's David, what a size Goliath
+must a' been."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>HOLIDAY FARE IN CORNWALL</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w22"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">A Roll on the billow,</p>
+<p class="i2">A Loaf by the shore,</p>
+<p class="i0">A Fig for fashion,</p>
+<p class="i2">And Cream galore!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Road to the Niagara Falls.</span>&mdash;<i>Via Dollarosa.</i></center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Where the Fellah's Shoe Pinches.</span>&mdash;Where the corn used to be&mdash;in Egypt.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i151.png">
+<img src="images/i151.png" width="100%" alt="FINIS." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>BRADBURY, AGNEW, &amp; CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch On Tour, by Various
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch On Tour, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch On Tour
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Various
+
+Release Date: May 20, 2011 [EBook #36177]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH ON TOUR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  MR PUNCH ON TOUR.
+
+  PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR.
+
+  Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON.
+
+Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. AND MRS. JONES'S WALKING TOUR.--(_At the Shakspeare
+Hotel_). _Voice from the office_: "Porter, take this lady and gentleman
+to the Romeo and Juliet room."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+
+THE HUMOUR OF TRAVEL AT HOME AND ABROAD
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DEPICTED BY
+
+PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL, BERNARD
+PARTRIDGE, F. H. TOWNSEND, DUDLEY HARDY, REGINALD CLEAVER, GORDON
+BROWNE, LEWIS BAUMER, G. D. ARMOUR, A. WALLIS MILLS, LANCE THACKERAY,
+AND OTHERS
+
+_WITH 153 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+  WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HUMOUR OF TRAVEL
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There is nothing insular about MR. PUNCH. Judging by his features,
+familiar though these be and long as they have been typical of English
+humour, he is not without some trace of foreign origin. Indeed, we fancy
+that were a very searching enquiry to be made into his ancestry we might
+find he had a far-off forebear who was, let us say, Italian! Perhaps we
+have here the explanation of his breadth of mind and wide sympathy
+which, however deeply rooted in the good soil of old England, are by no
+means absolutely delimited by our coast line.
+
+It is thus that we find him consistently the best of travelling
+companions, for there is none he is more ready to castigate with the
+whip of his satire than the insular Englishman abroad. This is as it
+should be, and in these days of the _entente cordiale_ especially, when
+the inducements to Continental travel are steadily increasing, all
+patriotic Englishmen are anxious that their fellow-countrymen should
+give as good an account of themselves as possible when visiting the fair
+lands of our friends across the silver streak.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MR. PUNCH, while always ready to stand for English ideals of right and
+fair-dealing, has equally endeavoured throughout his long career to show
+that all the good manners of Europe are not to be found on the
+Continent. But above all, wherever he goes, let his travels be within
+those green isles where he reigns as king of fun or as far afield as the
+land of the Sphinx, he diffuses that good humour which is the essential
+characteristic of the Englishman and adds so much to the joy of life.
+The present collection, illustrative of the humours of travel at home
+and abroad, certainly does not bear out the ancient criticism as to the
+English taking their pleasures sadly. Like many another book in this
+same library it proves rather that they take their misadventures
+joyously.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MRS. RAMSBOTHAM IN ROME.--When Mrs. R. was in Rome she insisted on the
+guide taking her and her party to see the Papal Bulls of which she had
+always heard so much. "I suppose," she said, "they're kept on some farm,
+and are exhibited for prizes just like the King's or the Prince of
+Wales'." The worthy lady added that she couldn't help laughing to think
+what a mistake she made in Holland when she was taken to see "Paul
+Potter's Bull," which turned out to be only a picture.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CURIOUS LANDSCAPE FEATURE OBSERVABLE AT MONTE CARLO IN THE EARLY
+SPRING.--Blue Rocks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS TO TOURISTS
+
+If you are put with a friend in a double-bedded room, bear in mind that
+inside walls are only lath and plaster, and that every word you say will
+be heard in the next room. Therefore carry on your conversation at the
+tip-top of your voice, and make as much noise as you can in packing, and
+in splashing, and in stumping round your room.
+
+Always give to beggars who waylay you on the road, and if you know their
+language, accompany your gift with a little stagey speech to the effect
+that all we English have more money than we know how to spend, and it is
+our duty when we travel to succour the distressed. This will mightily
+encourage the impostors in their trade, and engender a great nuisance
+for tourists who are poorer or less foolish than yourself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHE MEANT NOTHING WRONG.--_Curate to American Visitor._ How do you like
+our church, Mrs. Golightly? It is very generally admired.
+
+_Mrs. Golightly._ Yes, it's very pretty, but if it only had a clock
+fitted on the tower, it would be _useful_ as well as ornamental.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TACTFUL SYMPATHY
+
+_Genial Friend._ "Hullo, old man, getting on all right?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Our artist, while staying in the country, thinks it would
+be a good opportunity for studying _calves_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Yachting Man._ "Well, I always said you were a plucky
+fellow, Splinter; but really, now, I did not give you credit----"
+
+_Splinter_ (_not displeased_). "How do you mean?"
+
+_Yachting Man._ "Why, with your spars, to put out in such a gale o' wind
+as this."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRAVELLERS' TALES
+
+_First Traveller_ (_in the smoking-room_). I think the most marvellous
+sight I ever saw was when I was crossing the Bight of Benin. You know
+the Bight?
+
+_Second Traveller._ Perfectly. Shot two sea-serpents there last year.
+
+_Third Traveller._ I landed hard by when I cycled across Africa.
+
+_First Traveller._ Well, it was there we sighted a man who had crossed
+from Buenos Ayres on a hen-coop, with a cotton umbrella for a sail,
+and----
+
+_Other Travellers_ (_jealously in chorus_). Oh! Come, I say!
+
+_Quiet Man_ (_in corner_). Oh, I'll vouch for the truth of the
+assertion.
+
+_First Traveller_ (_nettled_). How's that?
+
+_Quiet Man._ Why, _I_ was the man.
+
+    [_Company disperses._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEXT BEST THING TO THE PERSIAN LOCOMOTIVE CARPET OF EASTERN FABLE.--The
+"Travelling Rug" of Western fact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Brown, who has had a hard day sight-seeing, in Tunis,
+goes to a cafe for a quiet drink and rest. Result!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HAPPY HOLIDAY
+
+  Now I really do not care a
+  Hang about the Riviera,
+  In the daytime you've a gay time,
+    But the nights are very cold.
+  And for any kind of touring,
+  Which I used to find alluring,
+  I for biking had a liking,
+    But I now have grown too old.
+
+  Then the constant change of weather
+  To my thinking, altogether
+  Knocked the notion of an ocean
+    Trip completely on the head;
+  I've a horror, too, of "trippers,"
+  'Arrys, 'Arriets, and "nippers,"
+  So a jolly quiet holi-
+    Day I spent at home in bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NO DIFFERENCE.--_English Customer_ (_to Manager of restaurant_). I see,
+Signor Maraschino, that the American gentleman and his wife who have
+just left drank nothing but water with their dinner. Does that make much
+difference in their bill?
+
+_Signor Maraschino._ Noting, sir. They pay same as yourself and lady,
+who 'ave champagne. Oderwise 'ow should we live?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE GREAT LOAN LAND."--Russia.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT DID MR. PUNCH DO IN THE EASTER RECESS?--Volunteer
+review! Not a bit of it! He just popped over, and had a few days of
+delightful _dolce far niente_ at Venice.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Papa, Maman, et Bebe s'en vont a la peche aux crevettes.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FIN DE LA SAISON.--(_At a Cercle Anglais. "Le Fiv'
+o'clock," i.e., Afternoon Tea._)
+
+_Britisher._ "_Coming to the ball to-night, Count?_"
+
+_Monsieur le Comte._ "Moi, mon cher? Ah, non. I am tired. I have the
+ache everywhere. I have play the football!"
+
+_Britisher._ "Good! What?--Forward, half-back?"
+
+_Monsieur le Comte._ "Forward! Half-back! Par exemple, I am
+'Arbitre'--how you say it?--Referee!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPRESSIONS FROM ABROAD
+
+(_By Our Susceptible Subscriber_)
+
+Impressions on my hat after going down the salt mine at Berchtesgaden.
+
+Impressions on my alpenstock after looking at the Alpine Peaks from
+below with an opera-glass.
+
+Impressions on my nose and forehead by the mosquitoes, when I would be
+poetical and stay all the evening on the Rialto at Venice.
+
+Impressions on my ears by the bad language of my guide, when I refused
+to pay for the echoes awakened on the Rhine by an ancient howitzer.
+
+Impressions on my heart by memories of that pretty little Frenchwoman I
+travelled with from Turin.
+
+Impressions on my feet by her sweet little _bottines_.
+
+Impression on my mind, after Mrs. P. detected those _bottines_ too near
+my boots, that it would be better not to be so susceptible another time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THOUGHT BY A TOURIST.--Too many Cook's Excursionists spoil the _table
+d'hote_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION
+
+_Customs Official._ "Have you anything to declare?"
+
+_Absent-minded Traveller_ (_Bridge-player, just catching last word_).
+"Oh, leave it to you!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:: INTERNATIONAL COMPARISONS
+
+_Henri Dubois_ (_who can speak English_) _to his friend 'Arry Smith_
+(_who can't_). "Pardon me, mon ami! You are very pretty boy, you dress
+in ze most perfect 'chic'; but vy do you speak your own language so
+ungrammaticalle?"
+
+'_Arry._ "Why do I speak my hown langwidge so hungrammatical? 'Ang it,
+yer down't suppowse as I were hedgerkited at Heton or 'Arrow like a
+bloomin' swell, do yer?"
+
+_Henri._ "Voyez donc ca! Now in France zere is no Eton, no Harrow: all
+ze public schools are ze same, and ze butcher and baker's little boys go
+zere, and ze little candlestick-makers, and ze little boys of ze
+merchants of cheese like you and me!"
+
+'_Arry._ "Come, I s'y, Walker, yer know! And where do their customers'
+little boys go?"
+
+_Henri._ "Parbleu! Zey go zere too!!"
+
+    ['_Arry, suddenly conscious of his deficiencies, feels
+    bitterly towards his country._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES"
+
+_Old Gentleman._ "Are you certain that these life-belts are cork, and
+not half sawdust?"
+
+_Storeman._ "They are the best quality. We have sold hundreds, and never
+had a complaint!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAPPY GEOGRAPHICAL THOUGHT (_when crossing the Channel in exceptionally
+rough weather_).--"Oh dear! What a pity that the sea everywhere can't be
+the Pacific Ocean!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE TRAVELLERS' CLUB."--An alpenstock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOREIGN HOTELS.--"WHAT!--NO SOAP!"--"Oh--er--juste
+regardez ici, mademoiselle! Vous nous avez charge pour le _savon_--et
+nous ne l'avons pas _use_, vous savez, car----"
+
+"Oh, mamma! How _can_ you!"
+
+    [_Poor things! they had brought their own._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LAST THING OUT.--Sensation created every morning at
+Crevetteville-sur-Mer by Colonel F---- (of the Guards) and the lovely
+Lady Magnolia D----.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION.--_Ducal Butler_ (_showing art
+treasures of Stilton Castle_). "The three Graces--after Canova!"
+
+_Mrs Ramsbotham._ "How interesting! And pray, which is the _present_
+Duchess?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Her Husband_ (_going on the Continent_). "Look here,
+Arabella, from now you and I will speak nothing but French."
+
+_Arabella._ "_Oui._"
+
+_Her Husband._ "What did you say?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "EASIER SAID THAN DONE"
+
+_Stout Traveller_ (_in the Eastern Counties_). "My lad--which is
+the--quickest way--for me to get to the station?"
+
+_Street Arab._ "Wh' run bo'! 'th' else yeow'll sartain'y lewse th'
+tr'ine! There goo th' bell!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DESPAIR!
+
+Brown has locked his portmanteau with one of those letter padlocks and
+forgotten the word that opens it.
+
+    [_Only ten minutes to dinner!_
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VIATOR'S VADE MECUM
+
+(_Or Compendious Weather-Guide for the British Tourist_)
+
+  When the wind is in the North,
+  Gingham take if you go forth.
+  If to Eastward veer the wind,
+  Gingham do not leave behind.
+  If to West the wind should tend,
+  Gingham is your surest friend.
+  If it seek the South, of course,
+  Gingham is your sole resource.
+  Intermediate points demand
+  Gingham constantly in hand.
+  If there be no wind at all,
+  Gingham take, for rain will fall.
+  At all other times, no doubt,
+  Gingham you may do without,
+  Yet e'en then an hour may bring 'em,--
+  Showers I mean,--so take your Gingham!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_English Tourist_ (_in the far North, miles from anywhere_). "Do you
+mean to say that you and your family live here all the winter? Why, what
+do you do when any of you are ill? You can never get a doctor!"
+
+_Scotch Shepherd._ "Nae, sir. We've just to dee a natural death!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The_ PLACE IN HOT WEATHER.--Lazistan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WATER CURE
+
+_Young Lady._ "So you've been on the Continent, Professor?"
+
+_The Professor._ "Yes, I've been to Marienbad, taking the baths, you
+know."
+
+_Young Lady._ "Really? That _was_ a change for you, wasn't it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Oh! con-found these country looking-glasses, though!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HOT WEATHER
+
+_Traveller_ (_bedtime, thermometer 100 deg.!_). "Waiter, go' sh'ch a thing
+as a warmin'-pan?"
+
+_Waiter_ (_astounded_). "A warming-pan, sir!"
+
+_Traveller._ "And got any ice?"
+
+_Waiter._ "Ice, sir? Yessir!"
+
+_Traveller._ "Then tell 'chamb'maid to run a pan of ice through my bed,
+and let me have my candle. I'll turn in!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_An Indian Station, on the eve of a Fancy
+Ball._--_Globe-trotting "Bounder"_ (_newly arrived_). "You're running
+this ball, ain't you? Is fancy dress _de rigueur_?"
+
+_Choleric Colonel_ (_who is Ball Secretary_). "Fancy dress, sir, is not
+_de rigueur_, but an invitation _is_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UP COUNTRY JOYS IN INDIA.--_The Mem Sahib_ (_with a view
+to seasonable festivities_). "I wonder if you have got such a thing as
+lemon peel or candied peel in your shop?"
+
+_"Europe Shop" Keeper._ "Ah, no, Mem Sahib. Onlee got it 'cockle' peel
+and 'beesham' peel!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLERS' PROTECTION LEAGUE
+
+The T. P. L. commenced operations last week with regard to the
+unpunctuality of certain railway companies, and should be encouraged to
+go a little farther. We want protection against:--
+
+1. Passengers who try to keep us out of carriages by fictitiously
+placing hats and wraps on more seats or corners than they will
+themselves occupy.
+
+2. Passengers who endeavour to enter carriages when we have fictitiously
+placed hats and wraps on more seats or corners than we shall ourselves
+occupy.
+
+3. People who smoke bad tobacco in compartments where there are ladies.
+
+4. Ladies who ride in compartments where we smoke bad tobacco.
+
+5. Parties who insist upon having the window open when we wish it shut.
+
+6. Parties who insist upon having the window shut when we wish it open.
+
+7. Persons who try to squeeze in when our carriage is full.
+
+8. Persons who try to keep us out when their carriage is full.
+
+9. Objectionable babies.
+
+10. Objectors to babies.
+
+And a job lot of grievances, viz.:--
+
+11. The British landscape, now consisting of pill advertisements.
+
+12. Clapham Junction.
+
+13. Bank Holiday traffic and excursionists, racing and football crowds.
+
+14. The weather.
+
+15. Nasty smelling smoke.
+
+16. Irritatingly uncertain lamps.
+
+17. The increase in the income-tax.
+
+18. The cussedness of things in general.
+
+19. And, lastly, the Billion Dollar Trust.
+
+If the T. P. L. will abate or abolish any or all of these nuisances we
+shall be very greatly obliged.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TIGHT FIT
+
+_Chorus of Girls_ (_to popular party on bank_). "Oh, do come with us,
+there's _plenty_ of room!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. RAMSBOTHAM was asked if she liked yachting, and she replied that
+she preferred _terra-cotta_. She probably meant _terra-firma_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"
+
+When, after lunching sumptuously at a strange hotel in a strange part of
+the country, it suddenly occurs to him that he has left his purse, with
+all his money in it, in the mail train going North.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT MUNICH.--_Mr. Joddletop_ (_to travelling companion at Bierhalle_).
+What they call this larger beer for I'm blessed if I know! Why, it's
+thinner than what I drink at home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S COUNTRY RAMBLES
+
+(_With acknowledgments to the "Daily Chronicle"_)
+
+A memorable afternoon may be spent by taking the train to Muggleton, and
+walking from there by way of Mudford, Sloppington,
+Stickborough-in-the-Marsh, Drencham, St. Swithuns, and Swillingspout to
+Poddleton-on-the-Slosh. The whole district is full of memories of the
+great Hodge family (before it migrated into the towns). Quite a number
+of mute, inglorious Miltons are buried in Poddleton churchyard, but a
+few people may still be seen in the market-place on Saturdays.
+
+_Route of Ramble._--Alighting at Muggleton Station (too much
+reliance should not be placed upon the elocution of the local
+railway porter) leave the refreshment room resolutely on the left
+(as you will need to keep your intelligence clear), and proceed in a
+north-north-east-half-northerly direction along a winding lane, until
+Mudford Beacon appears in the rear. Then turn back across six meadows
+and a ploughed field, following alternately the bed of a stream and the
+right bank of the canal until Sloppington is reached. From there follow
+the boundary line between the counties of Mudshire and Slopshire as far
+as Stickborough: from two to seven miles further on (according to the
+best local computation) lies Drencham, where is a remarkable pump.
+Leaving this landmark south-west-by-west, veer sharply to the left
+twice, and pursue a zig-zag course. If, at the twenty-second field, you
+are not within easy reach of Swillingspout it will be because you are
+incapable of following this brief chronicle. From the last-named place
+the nearest way to Poddleton is through the railway tunnel. It is not
+public, but persons have sometimes succeeded in getting through.
+Poddleton is nine miles from a station, but an omnibus walks the
+distance occasionally, when the horse is not required for funerals or
+other purposes.
+
+_Length of Ramble._--Doubtful. Has only been done in sections.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MISS-GUIDED FOLKS IN PARIS.--Evidently those who are personally
+conducted by "Lady Guides."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BY THE CARD"
+
+_Pedestrian._ "How far is it to Sludgecombe, boy?"
+
+_Boy._ "Why, 'bout twenty 'underd theausan' mild 'f y' goo 's y'are
+agooin' now, an' 'bout half a mild 'f you turn right reaound an' goo
+t'other way!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Traveller._ "Can you direct me to Hollow Meadows?"
+
+_Hodge_ (_who stutters frightfully_). "Ye-ye-ye-yes. You t-t-t-t-take
+the f-f-f-first t-t-t-t-turning on th-the right, and ku-ku-ku-keep
+straight on ower th' b-b-b-brig. Bu-bub-bub-but you'd bub-bub-bub-better
+be gu-gu-gu-gangin' on. You'll gu-gu-get there quicker th-th-th-than I
+can t-t-t-tell you!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUCH PLEASANTER FOR ALFRED
+
+_Constance_ (_adding the last straw_). "There, darling! I hope I've
+forgotten nothing. And oh, Alfred! how much, _much_ pleasanter to carry
+our things ourselves, and be alone together, than to have a horrid
+servant trotting behind us, and listening to every word we say!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOMETHING FROM THE PROVINCES
+
+_Excursionist_ (_politely_). "Can you kindly direct me the nearest way
+to Slagley?"
+
+_Powerful Navvy._ "Ah can poonch th' head o' thee!"
+
+    _[Excursionist retires hastily._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON THE COLONIAL TOUR
+
+_Famous Pianist._ "Himmel! how hot it is! I really think I might just
+have half an inch cut off--just round the nape of my neck you know. Just
+_thinned_ a little----"
+
+_His Agent._ "Out of the question, my boy. Remember clause seven in the
+agreement--'Your hair not to be cut till the last concert in Australia
+is over'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EVOLUTION EXTRAORDINARY
+
+_British Tourist_ (_who has been served with a pig's foot_). "What's
+this? I ordered quail!"
+
+_Negro Waiter._ "Wall--y'ev got quail!"
+
+_British Tourist._ "Quail! Why a quail's a bird!"
+
+_Negro Waiter._ "_Not here!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDEAL HOLIDAY
+
+  Come, Phyllis, for the season is already on the wane,
+  And the question of our holiday perplexes once again;
+  Now every jaded Londoner fresh stores of vigour seeks,
+  Our problem is how best to pass these few and fleeting weeks.
+
+  As one by one each watering-place we call to mind in turn
+  As promptly some objection to each one we discern;
+  Thus Scarborough's too chilly, and Ilfracombe too hot,
+  And this too near, and that too dear, that sandy and this not.
+
+  The Alps are always overrun and crowded as Cheapside,
+  And the garlic-reeking South I own I never could abide;
+  The _Bads_--Aix, Vichy, Taunus, Homburg, Carlsbad, Neuenahr,
+  Are either vulgar, crowded, dull, expensive, or too far.
+
+  Oh, for some new and lone retreat, nor far away nor near,
+  With lovely sights to charm the eye, soft sounds to soothe the ear;
+  Where vexed and wearied spirits, such as yours and mine, might rest,
+  And find in life new purpose, in its joys unwonted zest;
+
+  Some Aidenn, some Elysium of rapturous delight,
+  Where peace should reign unbroken from the dawn to fall of night!
+  Yet since for the impossible in vain we yearn, 'tis clear,
+  It will end no doubt as usual, in "Good old Margate," dear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE _VALET_ OF THE NILE"
+
+Much talked about, but very seldom seen!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A railway from Joppa to Jerusalem" sounds like a Scriptural line. In
+future, "going to Jericho" will not imply social banishment, as the
+party sent thither will be able to take a return-ticket.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SO NICE AND SYMPATHETIC.--A gentleman, whose one glass eye had served
+him for years, had the misfortune to drop it. It smashed to atoms. This
+happened when he was far away in the country. He inquired of a friend
+where was the nearest place for him to go and get refitted.
+
+"Why don't you call upon the girl you were flirting with all last
+night?" his friend inquired. "She has a first-class reputation for making
+eyes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BALLOONERY.--"We went spinning through the air!" said an enthusiastic
+aeronaut, describing his recent trial trip.
+
+"Indeed!" observed his companion, meditatively. "Judging by your
+description it sounds as if you had been in an 'heir-loom' instead of an
+'air-ship.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT BRUSSELS.--_Mrs. Trickleby_ (_pointing to an announcement in grocer's
+window, and spelling it out_). _Jambon d'Yorck._ What's that mean, Mr.
+T.?
+
+_Mr. T_. (_who is by way of being a linguist_). Why, good Yorkshire
+preserves, of course. What did you suppose it was--Dundee marmalade?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CAUTION! THIS HILL IS DANGEROUS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO ABSENT FRIENDS.
+
+(_By a Fox without a Tail._)
+
+  Dear Brown and Jones and Robinson and many thousands more,
+  Now spending dismal holidays on some dank sea-girt shore,
+  You, who affect to pity those compelled in town to stay,
+  Should rather envy us, because we cannot get away.
+
+  While you are hiring tiny rooms at many pounds a week,
+  And huddle there and watch parades that run with rain, and reek,
+  Contrast my cheerful aspect with your discontented looks,
+  As here I stay at ease among my pictures and my books.
+
+  Here in the trains the traveller can now find ample space,
+  Enjoying elbow-room without a struggle for a place:
+  The choicest dishes are not "off" at half-past one to lunch,
+  And no one spoils our appetite with--"After you with _Punch_!"
+
+  The dainty shops of Regent Street teem with their treasures still,
+  The Park with all its beauties we can now enjoy at will;
+  No longer do the jostling crowds provoke an angry frown,
+  But leisurely we relish the amenities of town.
+
+  Thus basking in the keen delights that empty London owns
+  (Though from my heart I pity you--Brown, Robinson and Jones),
+  So long as you may care to stay, and business is slack,
+  I cannot honestly declare I long to see you back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRIPPERS
+
+_Tommy_ (_his first visit_). "Will it be like this all d-d-d-day
+daddy?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Billiard Enthusiast_ (_having mistaken his room at the
+hotel, holding on to knobs of bed_). "Which do you prefer, sir? Spot or
+plain?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When the chairman of a railway company speaks of "the diversion of
+traffic," may it be understood that "pleasure trips and excursions" are
+covered by this expression?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ENGLAND AND GERMANY
+
+_British Nimrod_ (_who has shot tigers in India, and lions in South
+Africa_). "The fact is, Herr Muller, that I don't care much for sport
+unless it contains the element of danger."
+
+_German Nimrod._ "Ach zo? you are vont of _taincher_? Den you should gom
+ant shood mit _me_! Vy, only de oder tay I shoodet my broder-in-law in
+de shdomag!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUTTING A NEW ACQUAINTANCE.--_Major Longi'th'Bow._ I met a Brahmin once
+with "John Smith, London," carved on his back. You see he was standing
+motionless in one of those pious trances which nothing is allowed to
+interrupt. In this state he was found by a cheap-tripper, who took him
+for a statue and cut his name as usual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT FLORENCE.--_First Tourist._ Hullo! Barkins, what brought you here?
+
+_Second Tourist_ (_facetiously_). The railway, of course. And you?
+
+_First Tourist_ (_getting mixed, but thinking he has his friend_). My
+wife's wish to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Gainsborough_--for greedy tradesmen; _Gnosall_--for
+wiseacres; _Gravesend_--for sextons; _Great Barr_--for constant topers;
+_Grind-on_--for crammers; _Halt-whistle_--for football umpires;
+_Hastings_--for wasps; _Hawkshead_--for falconers; _Honi-ton_--for busy
+bees; _Hoot-on_--for owls.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRY OF THE TRAVELLING SMOKER.--_En_ briar root!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SNUB FOR A SNOB
+
+_English Tourist._ "Aw--that buttermilk was very nice, my dear. What
+payment do you expect for it?"
+
+_Cottage Girl._ "We wouldn't be after asking any payment. Sure we _give_
+it to the pigs!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MISPLACED SYMPATHY
+
+(_The "Boots" at the Shadow of Death Hotel, in the back block of
+Australia, on seeing a pair of boot-trees for the first time._)
+
+"I say, Billy, that poor bloke in the bed-room must 'ave ad a terrible
+accident. He's got two wooden feet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Tripper_ (_examining official notice on the walls of Boulogne_).
+What's that mean, Tripper, "Pas de Calais"?
+
+_Tripper_ (_who is proud of his superior acquaintance with a foreign
+language_). It means--"Nothing to do with Calais," my dear. These rival
+ports are dreadfully jealous of one another.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS, &c.
+
+_Jones._ "I say, what's the exact meaning of 'voila'?"
+
+_Brown._ "Well, I should translate it as 'behold,' or 'there you are,'
+or something like that."
+
+_Jones._ "Confound it! I've been using it for the last month and
+thinking I've been swearing in French!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BASHAN, NEAR BARMOUTH
+
+The worst of Wales is, the wild beasts are so numerous and inquisitive.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GEOLOGY.--_Scientific Pedestrian._ "Do you find any
+fossils here?"
+
+_Excavator._ "Dunno what you calls 'vossuls.' We finds nowt here but
+muck and 'ard work!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC ON THE WATERS.--_Parker._ "Beg pardon, my lady, but
+the band can't play the selection your ladyship asked for."
+
+_Her Ladyship_ (_astonished_). "But it's in their programme!"
+
+_Parker._ "Yes, my lady, but they can't play it till we get into still
+water, and _then they'll try_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE COMFORTER.--"I say, old man, I've just been down in
+the saloon, and they give you the finest half-crown lunch I've ever
+struck!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A MOOT POINT.--_Mrs. Brown_ (_on her honeymoon_). "Oh,
+aren't you glad, darling, we have come this delightful tour, instead of
+going to one of those stupid foreign places?"
+
+    [_Darling is not quite sure about it, as the hills are of terrible
+    frequency, and, naturally, he tows his bride up every one._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BAD HABITS GROW APACE.--_Traveller_ (_whose train is
+due_). "Look here, I'm going to get out and walk. That brute will make
+me miss my train!"
+
+_Jarvey._ "Kape still, surr. For the love av' Moses, kape still. Sure
+an' if the ould blayguard bates us, I'll niver get him up to the station
+no more!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLERS TRICKED
+
+(_An a propos Duologue_)
+
+_She_ (_with resolution_). Charlie, I want to ask your pardon. I have
+made a mistake.
+
+_He._ Yes, dear; which of them?
+
+_She._ You shall not put me out by sneering. Yes, I have made a mistake;
+and when I make a mistake, I do not fail to acknowledge it.
+
+_He._ Quite right, dear. Nothing like having a congenial occupation.
+
+_She._ Charlie, we came back to town prematurely.
+
+_He._ Yes, dear; we certainly curtailed our stay in Paris a little to
+allow of your purchasing that pretty bonnet.
+
+_She._ It cost a lot of money, Charlie.
+
+_He._ It did, dear; but I did not grudge it, as you and the shop girl
+said it was of the first mode and the greatest novelty in Paris.
+
+_She._ Yes, Charlie; and I believed her.
+
+_He._ Well, I am sure that the three or four days we cut off were well
+worth it, to buy the bonnet.
+
+_She._ How good, how noble of you to say so!
+
+_He._ Not at all; I was really glad to get back to the club. And you
+have your bonnet--a real genuine French bonnet! And the most Parisian
+shape imaginable.
+
+_She_ (_with an effort_). The shape is not Parisian.
+
+_He._ Not Parisian! Where does it come from?
+
+_She._ I see from a ticket in the lining it was made in the Edgware
+Road.
+
+    [_Tears and curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT WINDSOR.--_American Traveller_ (_to Waiter at the "Blue Stag"_). Say,
+is it true that you've got a real live ghost here?
+
+_Waiter._ Yessir. Believed to be either Cardinal Garnet Wolseley, 'Erne
+the 'Untsman, Queen Elizabeth, or the late King of the Belgiums.
+
+_American Traveller._ Thanks. Send for the local reporter, if off duty
+in any one capacity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Ware-ham_--for abstainers from pork;
+_Whits-table_--for facetious gourmets; _Wig-more_--for bald men;
+_Wig-ton_--for perruquiers; _Winfarthing_--for small gamblers;
+_Wo-burn_--for firemen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOSE IN EGITTO; OR, AUTOMOBILITY IN THE LAND OF THE
+SPHINX.
+
+"One touch of _Punch_ makes the whole world kin."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A QUESTION OF PROPORTION.--_Colonel Peppercorn_ (_who is
+touring in France with a hired chauffeur and car, which has broken
+down_). "Confound it all, you say it's nothing? Then why don't you
+repair it?"
+
+_Alphonse Legros._ "Mais, monsieur, pas possible, he break below! I
+cannot arrive there! He is only quinze centimetres from ze ground; but
+me--voila--I have one metre round ze chest!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SKELETON TOURIST'S VADE MECUM
+
+_Question._ What is your object this year?
+
+_Answer._ To follow the precedent of former Summers, and get over as
+much ground as possible.
+
+_Q._ How do you manage this?
+
+_A._ With the assistance of a ticket guaranteed to make distance a
+greater consideration than scenery.
+
+_Q._ Is it necessary to examine the places _en route_ with much careful
+consideration?
+
+_A._ Certainly not, as the Guide-book of the place visited will supply
+the compulsory omissions.
+
+_Q._ What are compulsory omissions?
+
+_A._ Objects of interest left out for want of time to give them an
+inspection.
+
+_Q._ How long would you give St. Peter's at Rome?
+
+_A._ A quarter of an hour, and the Colosseum at the same place ten
+minutes.
+
+_Q._ Could you not spare more time than this from your holiday?
+
+_A._ No; for luncheon and dinner have to be taken into consideration in
+the touring table.
+
+_Q._ What object of interest would you examine in the Land of the
+Midnight Sun?
+
+_A._ The sun at midnight, if it happened to be shining.
+
+_Q._ And if you visited the Rhine by the railway, what object of
+interest would chiefly attract your attention?
+
+_A._ The interior of the compartment in which you happened to be
+travelling.
+
+_Q._ What advantage would you derive from your tour?
+
+_A._ The satisfaction of explaining to non-tourists where you had been
+rather than what you had seen.
+
+_Q._ Do you consider that your mind would derive much benefit from your
+rapid locomotion?
+
+_A._ Not much, nor my body either.
+
+_Q._ But I presume your outing would justify the title of this Vade
+Mecum?
+
+_A._ Most certainly; because, by the end of your journey, you might
+accurately describe your condition as one who had been reduced to a
+skeleton.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nervous Tourist._ "Stop, driver, stop! There's something
+wrong! I am sure a wheel's coming off!"
+
+_Driver._ "Arrah, be aisy then, yer honour. Sure, it's the same one's
+been comin' off thin these three days back!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: (_Sketched on the pier just after the arrival of the
+boat._)
+
+_'Arry_ (_viewing stormy sea in a mutoscope_). "My eye, Maria, come an'
+'ave a look 'ere. The motion of the waives is simply grand!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONTINENTAL TRIP.--_First Man_ (_tasting beer_).
+"Hullo! I ordered lager. This isn't lager!"
+
+_Second Man_ (_tasting_). "No; but it's jolly good, all the same!"
+
+_Third Man_ (_tasting_). "C'est magnifique! mais ce n'est pas
+lager-r-r!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON THE GRAND TOUR.--Scene--_Staircase of the Palazzo
+Bianco._--(_Enter the Joneses of London._) _Chorus of Maidens._ "O, ma,
+dear! O, papa! do look! _Isn't_ this charming? _Isn't_ it delightful?
+Only fancy--the _Bragginton Smiths_ were here last month!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FAULT OF THE FOWL
+
+SCENE--_Coffee-Room, Hotel, Guernsey._
+
+_Visitor_ (_gazing at a guinea-fowl's egg_). "Waiter! Can you tell me
+what egg this is?"
+
+_Waiter._ "Oh, sir, it's a Guernsey egg. They sometimes lays them like
+that. It's not done in the boiling!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CORRECTED.--_Lady Tourist_ (_doing the cathedrals of
+Scotland_). "This is _Gothic_, isn't it, John?"
+
+_Juvenile Vendor of "Guides"_ (_severely_). "No, mem, _this is
+Presbyterian_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At HOMBURG-V.-D.-H.--_Colonel Twister_ (_in the hotel smoking-room_).
+Yes! I once played a game of pool at Senecarabad, holding the cue in my
+teeth, and captured all the loot!
+
+_Captain Longbow._ Pooh! That's nothing! About a month ago I matched
+myself at shell-out against Fred Fandango, and clutching the cue between
+my toes, walked in lying on my back!
+
+_Colonel Twister_ (_taken unawares_). But how the deuce did you manage
+to see the table?
+
+_Captain Longbow._ See the table? Why, had the cloth lighted with
+Roentgen rays, of course! Saw through the slate!
+
+     [_The Colonel abruptly says "Good Night" to the company, and leaves
+     for Schlangenbad next morning._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FORCE OF HABIT.--Recently two bankers met abroad. They at once began to
+compare notes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW NAME FOR SEA-SICKNESS.--_Mal de Little Mary._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. RAMSBOTHAM wants to know whether the inhabitants of the Fiji
+Islands are called the Fijits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YOUNG AUSTRALIA
+
+SCENE--_Highland Gathering in the Antipodes._
+
+"Well, my little man, so you're Scotch, eh?"
+
+"Nae, nae, a'am nae Scotch, but ma pairents is."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SENSATIONAL DRAMA IN THREE ACTS AND FIVE TABLEAUX.
+
+(_Showing how he got in for it and how he came out of it rather the
+worse for "wear"._)
+
+MR. JOGGLES HAVING CAREFULLY SELECTED A RETIRED SPOT DEPOSITED HIS
+CLOTHES IN A CAVE SEES A LITTLE WAY BELOW HIM A SPARKLING POOL FED BY A
+TORRENT FROM ABOVE--A NATURAL SHOWER BATH, INTO WHICH HE WILL JOYFULLY
+DESCEND.
+
+THIS IS WHAT HE EXPECTED BEFORE TAKING A DIP.
+
+BUT A PICNIC PARTY HAVING TERMINATED THEIR LUNCHEON, UNWITTINGLY
+REARRANGE MATTERS.
+
+MR. JOGGLES IS COMPELLED TO REMAIN OVER HIS USUAL TIME IN HIS BATH.
+
+IN THE MEANTIME THE GOATS HAVE BEEN BUSY WITH HIS CLOTHES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR A CHANGE
+
+  Fagged and jaded, Daphne mine,
+  For our annual change I pine.
+  Once again the problem's here,
+  Whither we shall go this year.
+  Let who will seek lake or moor,
+  "_Bad_" or hydro, spa or "_kur_,"
+  Switzerland and Germany
+  Have no charms for you and me.
+  There while restless tourists haste,
+  "Good old Margate" suits our taste.
+  On its old familiar ground
+  We will make the usual round.
+  Meet Smith, Robinson and Brown,
+  Whom we daily see in town;
+  Hear the niggers or the bands
+  On the pier, the fort, the sands;
+  Revel in each well-known joy,
+  Then, when these enchantments cloy,
+  And for change again we yearn,
+  Why, then, Daphne, we'll return.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE number of stowaways who secrete themselves in big vessels is
+becoming a growing evil. A Norwegian barquantine reached Plymouth on
+Friday with an entire cargo of hides.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VERY REVOLTING PLACE.--Brazil.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: French Tourist, on a visit to London for the first time,
+makes a note in his pocket-book of the name of the street in which his
+hotel is situated.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BERLIN.--Although Berlin is "on the Spree," its cheerfulness is
+considerably discounted by "the Oder" in its vicinity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "JOINT OCCUPATION"
+
+(_Suggested by Cook's Tourist in Egypt._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVERHEARD AT CHAMONIX.--_Stout British Matron_ (_in a broad British
+accent, to a slim diligence driver_). Etes-vous la diligence?
+
+_Driver._ Non, madame, mais j'en suis le cocher.
+
+_Matron_ (_with conviction_). C'est la meme chose; gardez pour moi trois
+places dans votre interieur demain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PHILLIPOPOLIS
+
+_Toper Major_ (_over their third bottle of a Grand Vin_). "I shay, ol'
+f'ler, neksh year thinksh'll go see ex'bishun at Ph-Phipp at
+Philup-popple----"
+
+_Toper Minor._ "I know, ol' f'ler. You mean Philipoppoppo--poppo----"
+
+_Toper Major._ "Thatsh it--shame place. Have 'nother bo'l!"
+
+    [_They drink._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT SO PRETTY IN ENGLISH
+
+(_Three Friends meet at Monte Carlo._)
+
+_First Friend._ No, I'm not staying here. Just run over from Canes.
+
+_Second F._ And I from Fat.
+
+_Third F._ And I'm with my people at Chin.
+
+     [We presume the travellers referred to Cannes, Grasse, and
+     Menton.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WHITSUN HOLIDAY.
+
+(_A Page from a Modern Diary._)
+
+_Monday._--Up with the lark. Breakfast not ready. Spent my spare time in
+closing the boxes. Got the family into the train with difficulty.
+Devoted the day to travelling. Reached our destination tired out. Glad
+to get to bed.
+
+_Tuesday._--Up with the lark. Did the sights. Had no time to look at
+anything, as I had to attend to the tickets. Saw all the museums. My
+party coming out when I had got the catalogues. So managed our visits
+that there was no opportunity of discussing meals. Got back in time for
+_table d'hote_, but preferred sleep to food. Went to bed.
+
+_Wednesday._--Up with the lark. Off again travelling. On the road all
+day. Having to fit in the corresponding trains, had no leisure for
+meals. Arrived at our new resting-place late at night. So off as quickly
+as possible to bed.
+
+_Thursday._--Up with the lark. Spent the morning in sight-seeing under
+the customary conditions. Waited upon the family. Looked after the
+catalogues and umbrellas. Food again at a discount. Dispensed with
+dinner. Glad to get to bed.
+
+_Friday._--Up with the lark. Time to return. Back again by a train. No
+food. No rest. Halfway home. Arrived in time to see the lights being put
+out. Off to bed.
+
+_Saturday._--Up with the lark. Continued my journey post-haste. Wrote up
+my diary. Find that I have got over several hundreds of miles; but for
+the life of me cannot remember anything that I have seen. Don't
+recollect any square meal. Back again, tired, and only pleased to be in
+bed.
+
+_Sunday._--Sleeping.
+
+_Monday._--Up with the lark. Recovered from my week's "rest," and glad
+to get back again to work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY A SEA-SICK PASSENGER
+
+      _MARE! Mare_!
+      Most contrary,
+  Why do you tumble so?
+      While you heave and swell
+      One can't feel well,
+  And--I think I'll go below!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR AMERICAN MILLIONAIRESSES.--
+
+"Marry, come up!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Scientific and Nervous Visitor at Country Hotel._ "I
+suppose there's no 'ptomaine' in this pie?"
+
+_Waiter_ (_equal to the occasion_). "No, sir. We never puts that in
+unless specially ordered!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DARTMOOR WAY.--_Tourist_ (_in background_). "I say!
+Percy! We'd better be going now--unless you can see anything striking
+from where you are!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_Railway Refreshment Room. Thermometer 90 deg. in the
+Shade._
+
+_Waiter_ (_to traveller taking tea_). "Beg pardon, sir, I shouldn't
+recommend that milk, sir; leastways not for _drinking_ purposes."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HALCYON PROSPECTS.--_Romantic Bride_ (_ecstatically_).
+"Such a waste of waters almost appals me!"
+
+_Prudent Husband_ (_fondly_). "What a dear little economist it is!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tourist._ "Wasn't there a great battle fought about
+here?"
+
+_Village Dame._ "Ah, I do mind it when I were a gell, I do. They
+was----"
+
+_Tourist._ "But, my good woman, that was nearly six hundred years ago!"
+
+_Village Dame_ (_unabashed_). "Dear, dear! How time do fly!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "And she only charged eight-and-a-half guineas,
+and"--(_Interruption from Husbands._ "Isn't the view marvellous!"
+
+_General chorus in reply._ "Oh--er--_Yes!_")--"and now I simply go there
+for everything!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FRENCH AND ENGLISH (_as zey are spoke at ze country
+'ouse_).--_Hostess._ "Oh--er--j'espair ker voos avvy troovy
+votre--votre--er--er--votre _collar stud_, barrong?"
+
+_M. le Baron._ "Oh, I zank you, yes! I find 'eem on my _chest of
+trowsers_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PERAMBULATORS NOT ADMITTED
+
+A DISAPPOINTMENT. [To _perambulate_; v.n., in German, _spazieren_; in
+French, _se promener_; in Italian, _passeggiare_.]--_Johann Schmidt._
+"Ach! vat a bitty, Mister Chones! Zen ve must not go therein to
+berampulate?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Chatty Tourist._ "Beautiful specimen of a Roman camp,
+this, isn't it?"
+
+_Grim Stranger._ "_No_, sir, _no_! I decline to admit that there can be
+_any_ true beauty about anything _Roman_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO LAST WORDS TO SWITZERLAND
+
+(_By a British Tourist and Family Man_)
+
+  On Uri's lake, in Kuesnacht's dell,
+  What is the thought can almost quell
+  Thy patriot memory, oh TELL?
+                          _Hotel!_
+
+  Whether by blue crevasse we reel,
+  Or list the avalanche's peal,
+  What question blends with all we feel?--
+                          _Wie Viel?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LUSUS NATURAE
+
+_Excursion Tourist._ "Most extr'or'nary cre'char!"
+
+_Facetious Rustic._ "Ah! that a be, measter, bred on this 'ere wery
+fa-arm he wor, tew!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE.--At an hotel at Socrabaja in Java is this
+notice:--
+
+"From the hours fixed for meals on no account will be deviated. For
+damage to furniture the proprietor will avenge himself on the person
+committing the same."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TIRED NATURE."--A yawning gulf.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR BORES, NATIVE AND FOREIGN
+
+"Ach! I schbeague Enklish not vell, not vell at all! Pot, py a leadle
+bractice, I imbrove ver kvick! Vait till I haf talk to you for a gopple
+of hours, and you shall see!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SCENE AT THE "LUCULLUS"
+
+_Mrs. Blunderby._ "Now, my dear Monty, let me order the luncheon
+ar-la-fraingsy. Gassong! I wish to begin--as we always do in Paris, my
+dears--with some _chef-d'oeuvres_--you understand--some
+_chef-d'oeuvres_."
+
+    [_Emile, the waiter, is in despair. It occurs to him, however,
+    presently that the lady probably meant "Hors d'oeuvres,"
+    and acts accordingly._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A WELSH LADY
+
+(_Written at Clovelly_)
+
+  The reason why I leave unsung
+  Your praises in the Cymric tongue
+      You know, sweet Nelly;
+  You recollect your poet's crime--
+  How, when he tried to sing "the time,"
+  He made "the place" and "loved one" rhyme,
+      You and Dolgelly!
+
+  But now, although a shocking dunce,
+  I've learnt, in part, the Welsh pronunc-
+      iation deathly.
+  I dream of you in this sweet spot,
+  And for your sake I call it what
+  Its own inhabitants do not--
+      That is "Clovethly"!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT WHITBY.--_Visitor_ (_to Ancient Mariner, who has been relating his
+experiences to crowd of admirers_). Then do you mean to tell us that you
+actually reached the North Pole?
+
+_Ancient Mariner._ No, sir; that would be a perwersion of the truth. But
+I seed it a-stickin' up among the ice just as plain as you can this
+spar, which I plants in the sand. It makes me thirsty to think of that
+marvellous sight, we being as it were parched wi' cold.
+
+    [_A. M.'s distress promptly relieved by audience._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WALKING ENGLISHWOMAN ON THE ALPS
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  You who look at home so charming--
+    Angel, goddess, nothing less--
+  Do you know you're quite alarming
+          In that dress?
+
+  Such a garb should be forbidden;
+    Where's the grace an artist loves?
+  Think of dainty fingers hidden
+          In those gloves!
+
+  Gloves! A housemaid would not wear them,
+    Shapeless, brown and rough as sacks,
+  Thick! And yet you often tear them
+          With that axe!
+
+  Worst of all, unblacked, unshiny--
+    Greet them with derisive hoots--
+  Clumsy, huge! For feet so tiny!
+          Oh, those boots!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_Verandah of Swiss Hotel_
+
+_Brown_ (_finishing very lengthy account of Alpine adventure_).
+
+"And then, Miss Jones, then, just as dawn was breaking, I heard the
+voices of the guides above me, and I knew that I was saved--actually
+saved! My feelings, as I realised this, may be more easily imagined than
+described!"
+
+_Miss Jones_ (_fervently_). "Thank Heaven!"
+
+    [_And Brown fondly imagined she was alluding to his escape_.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CAUTIOUS
+
+_Visitor_ (_at out-of-the-way Inn in the North_). "Do you know anything
+about salmon-poaching in the neighbourhood?"
+
+_Landlady_ (_whose son is not above suspicion_). "Eh--no, sir. Maybe
+it's a new style of cooking as we haven't heard of in these parts, as
+you see, sir, we only do our eggs that way; and"--(_brightening
+up_)--"if you like 'em, I can get you a dish at once!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SEVEN AGES OF LUGGAGE
+
+_Baby._ Perambulator, bottle, robe, fingerless gloves and woollen shoes.
+
+_Schoolboy._ Bat, ball, and aids to education.
+
+_Lover._ Guitar, music-book, writing materials, and fur-lined overcoat.
+
+_Justice._ Capon in basket, robes, and treatise upon ancient saws and
+modern instances.
+
+_Soldier._ Sword, uniform case, standard work upon Reputation.
+
+_Pantaloon._ Sausages, property red-hot poker, costume of motley,
+slippers and spectacle case.
+
+_Veteran._ Travels without luggage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GREAT TRAVELLER.--Dr. Watts was evidently in the habit of making
+pedestrian excursions on the Continent, for in one of his noblest lines,
+he expressly says--
+
+     "Whene'er I take my walks abroad."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INNOCENT ABROAD.--You are misled in your view that the _Cours de
+Cuisine_, mentioned in the prospectus of a French school, means the run
+of the kitchen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE SWISS HIGHLANDS.--_Brown._ "This is rather a
+pretty figure. You start on the left foot, cut a drop three--then----"
+(_Bump_)
+
+_Little Girl_ (_unmoved_). "Oh, _that's_ why it's called a drop three,
+Mr. Brown!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Photographer_ (_on tour, absent-mindedly_). "Now smile,
+please!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE CELESTIAL RESTAURANT.--_Customer_ (_indignantly_). Hi! waiter,
+what do you call this soup?
+
+_Waiter_ (_meekly_). I not know, sir, but ze padrone tell me to describe
+'im Cockstail!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Traveller_ (_snap-shotting tropical river, suddenly
+confronted by hippopotamus_). "Just keep like that one moment, please!"
+(_Rapturously_) "Such a delightful expression!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE BY OUR TRAVELLER--At a station on the Elham Valley Line, "Kentish
+Pianos" are advertised. Are these adapted for playing only dance tunes,
+and therefore specially serviceable in a "Hop" county?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EASTER HOLIDAYS
+
+(_By One who has tried them_)
+
+Must really decide where to go for five or six days at Easter. Weather
+always awful. Usual Springtime. North-east wind, frost, snow and dust.
+Something like last week. Can't stop in London. One Sunday or Bank
+Holiday in London mournful enough. But four of them consecutively!
+Impossible!
+
+Innocent persons go to the south coast of England, thinking that fifty
+miles nearer the equator one is in quite a different climate.
+Bournemouth? Bosh! All sandy dust and depressing invalids. Torquay?
+Twaddle! Probably rain all the time, if not snow. England no good.
+Scotland or Ireland? Worse!
+
+Must go, as people say vaguely, "abroad." How about Paris? North-east
+wind, frost, snow and dust, worse than here. Streets windy, theatres
+draughty, cafes and restaurants suffocating. Brussels? Nothing but rain.
+Aix-les-Bains? Probably snow. Nice? That might do. No frost or snow,
+but very likely a north-east wind and certainly lots of dust. Besides,
+thirty hours' journey out and thirty hours' journey back, would only
+leave about sixty hours there. No good. Rome, Seville, Constantinople,
+Cairo? Still farther. Should have to leave on the return journey before
+I arrived. Where can I go to at Easter to be warm and comfortable,
+without so much trouble? I know. To bed!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REGARDLESS OF THE TEMPERATURE.--_Facetious Australian_ (_off Calshot
+Castle, to indisposed friend_). What arm of the sea reminds one of a
+borrowed boot?
+
+_The "I. F."_ (_feebly_). Give it--anything--up.
+
+_F. A._ Why, the _Sole-lent_, to be sure.
+
+    [_The "I. F." is promptly carried below._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT BATH.--_Wiffling_ (_sympathetically_). Here on account of the waters?
+
+_Piffling._ No, unhappily. Here on account of the whiskies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A QUESTION OF THE HOUR."--Asking a railway porter the time of the next
+train's departure for your holiday resort.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Scene--_The Summit of Vesuvius_
+
+_American Tourist_ (_to the world at large_). "Great snakes, it reminds
+me of hell!"
+
+_English Tourist._ "My dear, how these Americans _do_ travel!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Friend_ (_below_). "All you've got to do when I throw
+you the rope is to make it fast to that projection over your head, and
+lower yourself down!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE CHURCH-GOING BELL"
+
+Sunday morning, coast of Norway. (_By our Yachting Artist._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Parson._ "Yes, on one occasion I married four couples in
+a quarter of an hour. Quick work, wasn't it?"
+
+_Nautical Young Lady._ "Yes, rather! Sixteen knots an hour!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MY AIRSHIP
+
+     [_The poet is being piloted on his aerial flight by a prosaic
+     mechanician. It is to the latter that the interpolations are due._]
+
+  Thou elfin Puck, thou child of master mind!
+  (Look out! the ballast's slipping off behind.)
+  Thou swanlike Siren of the blue sublime!
+  (Screw up that nut, and never mind the rhyme.)
+
+  Thine 'tis to fathom AEther's highest pole!
+  (This wind will fairly get us in a hole.)
+  Thine to explore the azure-vaulted dome!
+  (I wonder how the deuce we're going home.)
+
+  Up, up, thou speedest, flaunting, flaunting high,
+  Thy glist'ring frame emblazon'd 'gainst the sky;
+  And myriad-minded fancies still pursue
+  Thy gliding--(Blow! the anchor's fouled the screw!)
+
+  Thou stormy petrel, kissing heaven's height,
+  (Petrol! The rotten stuff declines to light)
+  Onward thou soarest o'er the City's dust
+  Shimmering, triumphant. (Gad! The motor's bust!)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ Give the French for "a policeman's beat." _A._ _Un tour de Force._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ What is the difference between a traveller and a popular vegetable?
+
+_A._ One has been abroad and the other's a broad bean.
+
+    [_Exit Querier rapidly._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE AMERICAN RUSH.--_American Tourist._ "Say, how long
+will it take to see over the ruins?"
+
+_Caretaker._ "About an hour, sir."
+
+_American Tourist._ "And how long will it take you to tell us about
+it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Is this your favourite view, poppa darling?"
+
+"Why, certainly. But--ahem!--I prefer it _unframed_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COLD COMFORT.--_Visitor to the West Indies_ (_who has
+been warned against bathing in the river because of alligators, but has
+been told by the boatman that there are none at the river's mouth_). "By
+jove, this is ripping! But, I say, how do you know there are no
+alligators here?"
+
+_Boatman._ "Well, you see, sah, de alligator am so turr'ble feared ob de
+shark!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVER THE SEA.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I read that two new cures for sea sickness have just
+been discovered: the one the eating of bananas; the other, found out by
+Professor Heinz, of Erlangen, who declares that the malady proceeds from
+the lobe of the brain, and that to avert it one has only to breathe
+freely. As to the Professor's theory about breathing freely, I can
+safely assert that I never open my mouth so wide as when crossing the
+Channel, but the experiment is an unpleasant failure.
+
+  Your obedient servant,
+
+  DIONYSIUS DABELRISK.
+
+  _Peckham Rye._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE GRAND HOTEL, PARIS.--_Blithers_ (_of romantic turn of mind, to
+Smithers, after observing a young couple in close conversation in the
+court yard_). I'm sure they're engaged. I heard her call him Harry!
+
+_Smithers_ (_a matter-of-fact man_). What of that? I call my housemaid
+Emily! He's most probably her footman.
+
+    [_Smithers calls for absinthe._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WELL MEANT, BUT----. _Motorist_ (_with heated
+cylinders_). "Where can I get some water?"
+
+_Rustic._ "There beant noo watter hereaboots--but ye can have a sup at
+my tea!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A difficult pass]
+
+[Illustration: A kneesy climb]
+
+[Illustration: A smiling valley]
+
+[Illustration: A magnificent gorge]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY THE SILVER SEA.--_Seaside. Tripper--none too clean in
+appearance--charters bathing machine. Smart-looking schoolboy_ (_about
+to enter next machine_), _loq._ I say, ma, I wish that dirty fellow
+wouldn't bathe here.
+
+_Mamma._ Why, Tommy? If people of that sort were to bathe, they'd be as
+clean as you, you know.
+
+_Tommy_ (_eyeing Tripper closely_). Not in once, mamma!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN APPRECIATION
+
+(_Train entering Venice_)
+
+_Fair American._ "Waal, I guess this is where the Adriatic slops over!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUMMER RESORTS
+
+DREARDON-CUM-SLOOZE.
+
+Spring weather, in pleasing variety of sun and snow-shower, now prevails
+in this highly fla--favoured locality. Mr. Josiah Jorker, Chairman of
+the Rural District Council here, has bought four black Berkshire pigs,
+and to lean over the yard gate and inspect them is now a regular
+afternoon occupation. Discussion as to their merits runs high amongst
+our local magnates. Situate as this health-giving village is, it offers
+to the tired brain-worker complete rest, as there is no railway station
+within six miles, and only the day-before-yesterday's newspaper is
+obtainable.
+
+CHAWBOODLECUM.
+
+A fine bracing N.E. wind has dried the roads, and, amongst the aged and
+sick, made a clearance, thoroughly in accord with the "survival of the
+fittest" doctrine. Trade has never been more brisk with the local
+undertaker and the much-respected sexton. The cricket club opens its
+season to-day with a match against the neighbouring village of Sludgely.
+A "Sing-Song," or "Free and Easy," is held every Saturday night at the
+"Pig and Puppy-Dog," at which well-known hostelry visitors can find
+every accommodation.
+
+SLACKINGTON.
+
+In this genial and mild air, where a steady, gentle rain falls on very
+nearly every day in the year, the Londoner, fleeing from the trying east
+winds of Spring, may find a welcome refuge. It is quite a pretty sight
+on Sundays to watch the people with their different coloured waterproofs
+stream out of church. There is a rumour that the present supply of cabs
+will shortly be augmented by one, if not two, fresh vehicles. On Monday
+last a German band played a charming selection of music in the market
+place, and there was a dog-fight in the High Street.
+
+PORKBURY.
+
+This charming spot only requires to be known, to insure plenty of
+patronage from visitors. The new pump is being pushed forward rapidly,
+and the Vicar intends to hold jumble sales once a week throughout the
+summer. This, in itself, will, it is expected, prove a great attraction.
+
+Police-Constable Slummers, whose urbanity and great consideration for
+the inhabitants (especially on Saturday nights) have always been so
+conspicuous, is about to leave, and some of the more prominent townsmen
+have taken the opportunity of marking their sense of his valuable
+services by presenting him with a handsome pewter pot, engraved with his
+name and the date.
+
+A piano-organist now regularly attends the weekly market, and his music
+is greatly appreciated by those engaged in buying and selling.
+
+At the Farmer's Eighteenpenny Ordinary, last week, Mr. Chumpjaw stated
+that his mangolds were "the whackin'est big 'uns" grown in the county.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT BOULOGNE.--_Mrs. Sweetly_ (_on her honeymoon_). Isn't it funny,
+Archibald, to see so many foreigners about? And all talking French!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PATRON SAINT OF MESSRS. COOK.--St. Martin of "Tours."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Englishman_ (_to friend_). "There goes that awful liar,
+who says he has climbed everything under the sun."
+
+_Friend._ "Don't call him a liar. Rather say he has a great talent for
+exaggerating things that never happened."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PLEASANT UNCERTAINTY.--_Gigantic Guide._ "Ze last party
+zat was 'ere--no one knew whezzer zey _shumped_ over or was _thrown_
+over!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SLIGHT "MALONGTONGDEW"
+
+_Angelina._ "There are to be illuminations and fireworks, and they're to
+finish up with an 'ombrasmong general.' What can that be?"
+
+_Edwin._ "Well, 'ombasser' means to 'kiss'; so I suppose it means a kind
+of a sort of a general kissing all round."
+
+_Angelina._ "Horrid idea! I won't go near the place, and I'm sure you
+shan't, Edwin!"
+
+    [Our readers, who know French better than E. and A., are aware that
+    embrasement, with only one "s," has a totally different meaning.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HONEYMOONING IN PARIS.--_Mrs. Jones._ "Am I not an
+expensive little wifie?"
+
+_Jones_ (_who has spent the morning and a small fortune at the Magasin
+du Louvre_). "Well, you _are_ a little dear!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUID PRO QUO.--_Madame Gaminot._ "Oh yes, Monsieur Jones,
+J'_adore_ les Anglais! Zey understand bisnesse! For example, zey pay me
+sixty pound--fifteen 'undred franc--to sing 'La Blanchisseuse du
+Tambour-Major' at a evening party! It seem a great deal! But zey laugh,
+and zey say, 'Oh, sharmong! Oh, ravissong!' and it mek everybody sink
+zat everybody else know French--it almost mek zem sink zat zey know it
+zemselfs!!! Ca vaut bien quinze cents francs, j'espere!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tourist_ (_at small Irish inn, miles from anywhere_).
+"Look here, what does this mean? I left my boots out last night, and
+they haven't been touched."
+
+_Landlord_ (_with honest pride_). "Thrue for ye, sorr! An' begorr', if
+ye'd left your _gowld watch an' chain_ out, div'l a sowl wud 'a touched
+them nayther!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: 'ARRY ABROAD.--_Guide._ "Monsieur finds eet a vairy
+eenteresting old place, ees eet not?" _'Arry_ (_who will speak French_).
+"Pas demi!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY THE SILVER SEA
+
+DRAINSMOUTH.
+
+This popular health resort is now filled to over-flowing. The
+entertainments on the pier include animated photographs of a procession
+to the Woking Crematorium, and other cheerful and interesting subjects.
+The smells of the harbour may still be enjoyed to perfection at low
+water.
+
+SHRIMPLEY.
+
+The question of mixed bathing here has at length been set at rest by the
+Town Council issuing an order that nobody is to bathe at all. A decision
+so impartial as between the rival factions cannot fail to give
+satisfaction to all except the captious. Professor De Bach, with his
+performing dogs, gives an exhibition twice each day at the Pier
+Pavilion.
+
+LODGINGTON-ON-SEA.
+
+Warm and sunny weather still continues in this favoured spot. People
+wait half the morning for a bathing-machine and then look rather
+disappointed when they get it. The Simperton-Swaggeringtons arrived
+yesterday, travelling first-class from the junction, two miles off (up
+to which point they had come third). This has excited some unfavourable
+comment in the town.
+
+SMELLINGTON-SUPER-MARE.
+
+Large numbers of tripp--visitors, I mean, continue to pour into the town
+from Saturdays to Mondays, benefiting greatly by their small change. The
+lodging-house keepers also derive considerable benefit from their (the
+visitors') small change, especially when left lying about on the
+mantelpiece. No one could complain of dulness here now, for as I write,
+twenty-three barrel-organs, eleven troupes of nigger minstrels and four
+blind beggars with fiddles are amusing and delighting their listeners on
+the sands. The place is thoroughly lively, hardly an hour of the day
+passing without at least two street rows between inebriated
+excursionists taking place. The police force has been doubled, and the
+magistrates have given notice that, for the future, they will give no
+"option," and that all sentences for assaults in the streets will be
+with hard labour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PHILOLOGICAL.--_First English Groom_ (_new to Paris_).
+"And the French gent as he drives round the corner, he pulls up quick,
+and calls out 'Woa!'"
+
+_Second ditto_ (_who has been in Paris some time_). "He couldn't have
+said _'Woa!'_ as there ain't no 'W' in French."
+
+_First ditto._ "No 'W' in French? Then 'ow d'yer spell 'wee'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Alarming appearance of a harmless guana just as he has
+found a nice corner of Sydney Harbour for a sketch.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Townmouse takes lodgings for his family at a
+farmhouse in a remote district. Delightful spot; but they weren't so
+well off for butcher's meat as they could wish.
+
+_Farmer._ "Now, if your lady 'ud like some nice pork--Oh! she does like
+pork?--Well, then, we shall kill a pig the week arter next."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NICE PROSPECT.--_Traveller_ (_benighted in the Black
+Country_). "Not a bed-room disengaged! Tut-t-t-t!"
+
+_Landlady_ (_who is evidently in the coal business as well_). "Oh, we'll
+accommodate you somehow, sir, if me and my 'usband gives you up our own
+bed, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--_Professor
+Chatterleigh._ "By George! I'm so hungry I can't _talk!_"
+
+_Fair Hostess_ (_on hospitable thoughts intent_). "Oh, I'm _so_ glad!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AESTHETICS
+
+_Indiscreet Sister._ "Why, Harry, your legs are getting more
+_Chippendale_ than ever!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE JOYS OF TOURING
+
+_Traveller._ "I say, your razor's pulling most confoundedly!"
+
+_Local Torturer._ "Be it, zur? Wull, 'old on tight to the chair, an'
+we'll get it off zummow!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHEERING.--_First Artist_ (_on a pedestrian tour_). "Can
+you tell which is the best inn in Baconhurst?"
+
+_Rustic_ (_bewildered_). "Dunno."
+
+_Second Artist_ (_tired_). "But we can get beds there, I suppose? Where
+do travellers generally go?"
+
+_Rustic._ "Go to the union moostly!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MIND AND MATTER-OF-FACT
+
+_Cotton-Man_ (_fro' Shoddydale_). "What dun yo' co' that wayter?"
+
+_Coachman._ "Ah, ain't it beautiful? That's Grassmere Lake, that is----"
+
+_Cotton-Man._ "Yo' co'n 'um all la-akes an' meres i' these pa-arts. We
+co'n 'um rezzer-voyers where ah com' fro'!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Would the epigrammatic translation of "_sede vacanti_" as "Not well and
+gone away for a holiday" be accepted by an examiner?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WINTER RESORT FOR BRONCHIALLY-AFFECTED PERSONS.--Corfe Castle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor._ "And so you've never been to London! Oh, but
+you must go. It's quite an easy journey, you know."
+
+_Gaffer Stokes._ "Ah, Oi'd main loike to see Lunnon, Oi wud. Reckon Oi
+must go afore Oi'm done for. _Now which moight be their busy day there,_
+mister?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO INTENDING TOURISTS--"Where shall we go?" All depends on the "coin of
+'vantage." Switzerland? Question of money. Motto.--_"Point d'argent
+point de Suisse."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCENE--_On the Quay. Ocean liner's syren fog-horn emitting short,
+sharp grunts._
+
+_Little Girl._ Oh, mamma, that _poor_ ship must have a drefful pain in
+its cabin!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WASTED SYMPATHY.--SCENE--_Interior of Railway Carriage. Lady_ (_to
+gentleman who has just entered and is placing one of his fellow
+passenger's bags on the floor where there is a hot-water bottle_). Oh!
+Excuse me, sir, but, _please_ don't put _that_ near the hot-water
+bottle. I've got a little bird in the bag.
+
+_Elderly Gentleman_ (_who is an enthusiastic Anti-Vivisectionist and
+prominent member of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals_).
+Good Heavens, madam! a bird in there! Please consider! How cruel! how
+inhuman! how----(_gasps for words_).
+
+_Lady._ Not at all, my dear sir. _It's a roast partridge, cold, for
+lunch._
+
+    [_Collapse of Enthusiast._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNPLEASANTLY SUGGESTIVE NAMES OF "CURE" PLACES ABROAD.--_Bad Gastein._
+Which must be worse than the first day's sniff at Bad-Eggs-la-Chapelle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROTATORY KNIFE (AND FORK) MACHINES.--Pullman dining cars.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LINE WHICH IS OFTEN DRAWN.--The Equator.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THOROUGH BUT NOT PEDANTIC. (_Overheard at the
+Louvre._)--_American Tourist_ (_suspiciously_). "Say, guide, haven't we
+seen this room before?"
+
+_Guide._ "Oh no, monsieur."
+
+_Tourist._ "Well, see here. We want to see everything, but we don't want
+to see anything twice!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MODERN ACCOMPLISHMENTS.--_Captain Brown_ (_narrating his
+trip to the Continent_). "Then, of course, we ran down to Granada, and
+saw the Alhambra----"
+
+_Captain Jinks_ (_untravelled athlete_). "No!! What, have they got one
+there too!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FILIAL ANXIETY. "Going to Paris to-morrow, Tom!"
+
+"How's that?"
+
+"My poor old governor's taken ill there!"
+
+"Going by Dieppe or Boulogne?"
+
+"Rather think I shall go _via Monaco_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERDOING IT
+
+_Sympathiser._ "Sorry you look so seedy after your holiday, old chap!"
+
+_Too Energetic Sight-seer._ "Well, I am a bit done up, but the doctor
+says that with rest and great care I may be well enough to have a
+run-round as usual next year."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gushing Young Lady_ (_to Mr. Dunk, who has just returned
+from Rome_). "They say, Mr. Dunk, that when one sets foot in Rome for
+the first time, one experiences a profound feeling of awe. The chaos of
+ruined grandeur, the magnificent associations, seem too much for one to
+grasp. Tell me, oh tell me, Mr. Dunk, what did _you_ think of it all?"
+
+_Mr. Dunk_ (_deliberately, after considering awhile_). "_Very_ nice!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Carry your trunk, sir?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE.--_Miss Tomboy._ Mamma, I think those French women
+were beastly rude.
+
+_Mother._ You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong.
+And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?
+
+_Miss Tomboy._ Well, they _were_ rude. They called me a little cabbage
+(_mon petit chou_). The next time they do that I shall call them old
+French beans.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TOURIST SEASON. HOTEL BRIGANDAGE]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DE GUSTIBUS----
+
+  I am an unadventurous man,
+  And always go upon the plan
+  Of shunning danger where I can.
+
+  And so I fail to understand
+  Why every year a stalwart band
+  Of tourists go to Switzerland,
+
+  And spend their time for several weeks,
+  With quaking hearts and pallid cheeks,
+  Scaling abrupt and windy peaks.
+
+  In fact, I'm old enough to find
+  Climbing of almost any kind
+  Is very little to my mind.
+
+  A mountain summit white with snow
+  Is an attractive sight, I know,
+  But why not see it _from below_?
+
+  Why leave the hospitable plain
+  And scale Mont Blanc with toil and pain
+  Merely to scramble down again?
+
+  Some men pretend they think it bliss
+  To clamber up a precipice
+  Or dangle over an abyss,
+
+  To crawl along a mountain side,
+  Supported by a rope that's tied,
+  --Not too securely--to a guide;
+
+  But such pretences, it is clear,
+  In the aspiring mountaineer
+  Are usually insincere.
+
+  And many a climber, I'll be bound,
+  Whom scarped and icy crags surround,
+  Wishes himself on level ground.
+
+  So I, for one, do not propose,
+  To cool my comfortable toes
+  In regions of perpetual snows,
+
+  As long as I can take my ease,
+  Fanned by a soothing southern breeze,
+  Under the shade of English trees.
+
+  And anyone who leaves my share
+  Of English fields and English air
+  May take the Alps for aught I care!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPORT MOST APPROPRIATE TO THE LOCALITY.--Shooting pigeons at Monte
+Carlo.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PLEASURE A LA RUSSE.--_Q._ When does a Russian give a Polish peasant a
+holiday?
+
+_A._ When he gives him _a kn_outing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CRY OF THE HOLIDAY-LOVING CLERK.--"Easterward Ho!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISH THAT DISAGREES WITH MOST PERSONS WHEN TRAVELLING.--The Chops of
+the Channel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREATEST BORE IN CREATION.--The Simplon Tunnel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The Brown family resolve to spend their vacation each
+after his own fashion, instead of _en famille_.
+
+Jack took his motor car of course.
+
+Maud and Ethel started on a Biking Tour.
+
+Pater preferred "Cooks".
+
+"My Dear Sir, I tell you there is not a city in the whole of Europe that
+is a patch upon Florence. Why I found the finest English chemists there
+that I have come across in all my travels."
+
+Mater had "quiet time" in Devonshire.
+
+Bob went canoeing.
+
+While Mary Ann says 'Give me good ole Margit'.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ANTIQUARY.--_Tourist_ (_in Cornwall_). "May I be
+permitted to examine that interesting stone in your field? These ancient
+Druidical remains are most interesting!"
+
+_Farmer._ "Sart'nly, sir. 'May be very int'restin' an' arnshunt, but we
+do stick 'em oup for the cattle, an' call 'em roubbin' pusts!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Smithson, having read and heard much of the pleasures of
+a driving tour, determines to indulge in that luxury during his
+Whitsuntide holidays. He therefore engages a trap, with a horse that can
+"get over the ground," and securing the services of an experienced
+driver, he sets forth._
+
+_Smithson._ "A--a--isn't he--a--a--hadn't I better help you to pull at
+him?"
+
+_Driver._ "Pull at 'im? Why yer'd set 'im crazed! Jist you let me keep
+is 'ead straight. Lor' bless yer, there ain't no cause to be affeared,
+as long as we don't meet nothing, and the gates ain't shut at
+Splinterbone crossing, jist round the bend."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Stout Party._ "Is this path safe?"
+
+_Flippant Youth._ "Yes, the path is--but I can't answer for _you_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Will you 'urry up paintin' that tree, sir? Cause I'm
+goin' to cut it down in a quarter of an hour."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tourist_ (_in search of "the unique," after admiring old
+cottage_). "Is there anything else to look at in the village?"
+
+_Village Dame._ "Lor' bless 'ee, why there's the beautiful new
+recr'ation ground as we've just 'ad made!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PASTORAL REBUKE.--_First Pedestrian_ (_they've lost
+their way_), "Look here. This must be the east, mustn't it? There's the
+chancel window--that's always east; then the south must be----"
+
+_High-Church Priest_ (_"turning up" suddenly out of the vestry_), "I beg
+your pardon, gentlemen, but I can't allow my church to be used for a
+secular purpose. You'll find an unconsecrated weathercock on the barn
+yonder!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor._ "Will you tell me where I shall find a seat?"
+
+_Verger._ "Weel, sir, there's a guid wheen veesitors in Inverness the
+noo: so sit whaur ye can see yer umbrella!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIPS FOR TRAVELLERS
+
+Toddlekins is anxious to take his family to Mars this summer, and
+inquires where he can hire a speedy balloon for the purpose. He is
+anxious to know whether he can obtain golf there, and also whether the
+roads are good for bicycling. He is recommended to apply for information
+to the Astronomer-Royal. But why should Toddlekins trouble to go so far
+afield? He would be sure to find congenial society in the neighbourhood
+of Hanwell, and by selecting this spot as his destination, the expense
+of a return ticket would be saved.
+
+ANXIOUS MOTHER.--So glad that you intend taking your dear ten children
+to Poppleton-on-Sea for three weeks' change of air. And all that you
+tell me about Timothy's pet rabbit and Selina's last attack of measles
+is so deeply interesting. Unfortunately I cannot answer all your
+questions myself, but I will print them here, so that some of my kind
+readers may be able to assist you. You want to know, in regard to
+Poppleton--
+
+(1) Whether the pavements (if any) are stone or asphalte.
+
+(2) What is the mean temperature, the annual rain-fall, and the
+death-rate.
+
+(3) What are the Rector's "views," and if there is a comfortable pew in
+the church, out of draughts, calculated to hold eleven.
+
+(4) What time the shops at Poppleton close on Saturdays.
+
+DUBIOUS.--As you say, it _is_ difficult to make up one's mind where to
+spend the holidays, because there are so many places from which to
+choose. And you were so wise to write and ask me to give you the name of
+one single place which I could thoroughly recommend, and so save you all
+further worry. How about Brighton, Hastings, Eastbourne, Bexhill,
+Seaford, Cowes, Weymouth, Exmouth, Penzance, Lynton, or Tenby? I am
+delighted to give you this real and valuable help!
+
+PICNIC-PARTY.--You have my full sympathy. It is most churlish of
+riparian owners to refuse to allow strangers to land on their property.
+Fancy any one objecting to having his lawn covered with broken bottles
+and paper bags!
+
+OWNER.--I feel deeply for you. The way in which trippers on the river
+invade riverside gardens is outrageous. The bags and pieces of glass
+they leave about must be a gross disfigurement to your lawn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INTRODUCTION MADE EASY.--_Invalid-Chair Attendant._ "If
+you should have a fancy for any partickler party, I can easily bump
+'em."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Miss Binns_ (_breathless, hurrying to catch London train
+after week-end trip_). "Can you please tell me the _exact_ time?"
+
+_Old Salt._ "'Alf ebb."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MOUNTAIN RAMBLER
+
+(_By a Returned Traveller_)
+
+  I've scanned and penned an Ode on
+  Thy snowy glories, Snowdon
+  My honeymoon with Helen,
+  Was spent near "dark" Helvellyn,
+  Afar from all the _beau monde_
+  I've rambled round Ben Lomond,
+  At noontide on Ben Nevis,
+  I've roved and read _Sir Bevis_,
+  I've stretched each tired thin limb on
+  Thy summit, O Plinlimmon,
+  And once I tore my breeks
+  On Macgillycuddy's Reeks.
+    Those glorious mountain scalps,
+  The tiptops of the Alps,
+  I've seen--their pines and passes,
+  Their glaciers and crevasses--
+  With fools, philosophers and wits,
+  I've scrambled up the Ortler Spitz,
+  Made sketches on St. Gothard,
+  Like Turner and like Stothard,
+  And with my _cara sposa_
+  Ascended Monte Rosa:
+  But not content with Europe,
+  I've roamed with staff and new rope
+  As far away as Ararat,
+  Where _savants_ say there's ne'er a rat;
+  The Kuen Lun and Thian Shan
+  I know as well as any man;
+  I've boiled my evening kettle
+  On Popocatapetl,
+  And on the highest Andes
+  I've sodas mixed and brandies;
+  I've slumbered snug and cosey
+  On silvery Potosi;
+  I've stood on Peter Botto,
+  A rather lonely spot;
+  And--crowning feat of all
+  My mountaineerings on this ball--
+  I've smoked--O weed for ever blest!
+  My pipe upon Mount Everest.
+    And now my ramble's over,
+  Here's Shakspeare's Cliff and Dover!
+  All Alpine risks and chances,
+  All Ultramontane fancies,
+  I've put away and done with;
+  I'll stay my wife and son with,
+  And never more will roam
+  From Primrose Hill and home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.--_Visitor to the District_ (_who has
+missed his way_). "Can you tell me, my good man, if I shall pass the
+'Red Lion' inn along this road?"
+
+_The Village Toper._ "Oi wouldn't like to be saying wut a gen'leman
+loike ye wud be doin'; but Oi'm parfect sartin Oi shouldn't!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUEEN'S HOTEL, AMBLESIDE, 3 O'CLOCK, A.M.--"Tom!" (_No
+response._) "I say, Tom!" (_No answer._) "Tom!" (_A muffled grunt._)
+"Tom--Fire!"
+
+"Eh? What? What do you say?"
+
+"I say Tom, do you think your key will fit my bag?"
+
+"_No_--'t won't--Chubb!"
+
+    [_Objurgations, and midnight disturber retires._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR COMPATRIOTS ABROAD.--"And how did you like
+Switzerland?"
+
+"Oh, immensely! It was our first visit, you know!"
+
+"And did you go on into Italy?"
+
+"Well, no. We found a hotel at Lausanne where there was a first-rate
+tennis-lawn, you know--quite as good as ours at home. So we spent the
+whole of our holiday there, and played lawn-tennis all day long."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY
+
+_The Professor_ (_who has just come back from the North Pole)._ "----
+and the fauna of these inhospitable regions is as poor as the flora! You
+couldn't name a dozen animals who manage to live there."
+
+_Mrs. Malapert._ "Oh--I dare say I could!"
+
+_The Professor._ "Really--what _are_ they?"
+
+_Mrs. Malapert._ "Well, now--five polar bears, let us say, and--and
+seven seals!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Traveller._ "Can we have beds here to-night?"
+
+_Obliging Hostess._ "Oh, yes, sir."
+
+_First Traveller._ "Have you--er--any--er--_insects_ in this house?"
+
+_Obliging Hostess._ "No, sir. _But we can get you some!"_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_to her travelling companion, who has just had
+his finger-nail pinched badly_). "How horrid! I always think anything
+wrong with one's nails sets one's teeth on edge all down one's back!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NEARING THE ENGLISH COAST
+
+_Jones._ (_Returning to England_). "We are quite fifty miles from the
+Scilly Isles, Miss Brown. They say the odour of the flowers they
+cultivate there travels that distance over the sea. I can detect it
+distinctly now--can't you?"
+
+_Miss Brown_ (_from America_). "I guess it hasn't _quite_ reached me
+yet, Mr. Jones!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON A CERTAIN CONDESCENSION IN FOREIGNERS.--_He._ "Oh,
+you're from America, are you? People often say to me, 'Don't you dislike
+Americans?' But I always say 'I believe there are some very nice ones
+among them.'"
+
+_She._ "Ah, I dare say there _may_ be two or three nice people amongst
+millions!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR COUNTRYMEN ABROAD.--_Mr. Shoddy._ "_I_ always say,
+Mrs. Sharp, that I never feel really safe from the ubiquitous British
+snob till I am south of the Danube!"
+
+_Mrs. Sharp_ (_innocently_). "And what do the--a--_South Danubians_ say,
+Mr. Shoddy?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Waiter._ "Did you ring, Sir?"
+
+_Traveller_ (_as a gentle hint to previous arrival_). "_Another fire_,
+waiter!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Smith._ "Oh, I was wondering whether you and your
+husband would care to accompany our party to Hadrian's Villa to-morrow?"
+
+_Young American Bride._ "Why, yes; we'd just love to go. George and I
+will be furnishing as soon as we get back to Noo York, and maybe we'd be
+able to pick up a few notions over at this villa."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNANSWERABLE
+
+_Pompous Magnate_ (_making speech at public luncheon in provincial
+town_). "Speaking of travel reminds me how greatly I have admired the
+scenery round Lake Geneva, and also what pleasant times I have spent in
+the neighbourhood of Lake Leman."
+
+_Cultured Neighbour_ (_in audible whisper_). "Pardon me, but the two
+places are synonymous."
+
+_P. M._ (_patronisingly_). "Ah! So _you_ may think, sir--so _you_ may
+think! But, from my point of view, I consider Lake Geneva to be far the
+most synonymous of the two."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "IT'S AN ILL WIND," &c.--"Oh, papa! what _do_ you think?
+Four out of our twelve boxes are missing."
+
+"Hurrah! By George! that's the best piece of news I've had for a long
+time."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EPICURE.--"Oh, George, I'm ashamed of you--rubbing
+your lips like that, after that dear little French girl has given you a
+kiss!"
+
+"I'm not rubbing it _out_, mammy--I'm rubbing it _in_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COWES WEEK EXPERIENCE
+
+_Monday._--Dear old Bluewater--what a good fellow he is!--asks me to
+join his yacht, the _Sudden Jerk_, for Cowes week. Never been yachting
+before.
+
+_Tuesday._--Arrive Ryde Pier, correctly (I hope) "got up"; blue serge,
+large brass anchor buttons, and peaked cap. Fancy Bluewater rather
+surprised to see how _au fait_ I am at nautical dress. "Ah! my dear
+fellow, delighted to see you. Come along; the gig is lying alongside the
+steps. One of the hands" (why "hands"?) "shall look to your traps." We
+scramble into gig and are rowed out to 50-ton yawl. Climb up side.
+Bluewater says, "Come below. Take care--two steps down, then turn round
+and---- Oh! by Jove! what a crack you've caught your head. Never mind,
+old boy, you'll soon get accustomed to it." Devoutly hope I shall _not_
+get accustomed to knocking my head. Arrive at foot of "companion" (why
+"companion"?) stairs. Bluewater pulls aside curtains and says, "_There_
+you are!" Reply, "Oh! yes, there I am. Er--is--do you lie on the
+shelf--oh! berth, is it!--beg pardon--or underneath it?" He explains.
+"You'll find it very jolly, you know; you can lie in your bunk, and look
+right up the companion to the sky above." "Oh! awfully jolly," I say.
+We repair on deck. Get under weigh to run down to Cowes. Dear old
+Bluewater very active. Pulls at ropes and things, shouting
+"leggo-your-spinach-and-broom,"[A] and other unintelligible war-cries.
+Stagger across deck. Breeze very fresh. "Lee oh!" shouts Bluewater;
+"mind the broom!"--or it might have been boom--and next moment am
+knocked flat on my back by enormous pole.
+
+Arrive Cowes. Crowd of yachts. Drop anchor for night. Go below, damp
+face in tiny iron basin; yacht lurches and rolls all the water out over
+new white shoes. Enter saloon, tripping over some one's kit-bag at the
+door. Try to save myself by clutching at swing-table, which upsets and
+empties soup tureen all over my trousers. Retire, change, return. Host
+and I sit down and proceed to chase fried soles backwards and forwards
+across treacherous swing-table. "_Now_, my dear fellow isn't this
+jolly? Isn't this worth all your club dinners?" Reply "Oh, yes,"
+enthusiastically. Privately, should prefer club in London. Weather gets
+worse. Try to smoke. Don't seem to care for smoking, somehow. Feel
+depressed, and ask dear old Bluewater to describe a sailor's grave.
+Tries to cheer me up by saying, "Don't waste the precious moments, my
+friend, on such sad subjects. You are not born to fill a seaman's grave.
+There's a class of man not born to be drowned, you know." Then he laughs
+heartily. Try to smile; fail. Pitching and rocking motion increases.
+Retire early and lie down on shelf. Fall off twice. Manage to reach
+perch again. Weather gets worse. Shall never sleep with noise of
+trampling on deck and waves washing yacht's sides. Shall never----
+Sudden misgiving. _Am_ I going to be----? Oh! no, must be passing
+dizziness. It cannot possibly be.... IT IS!!!
+
+Am rowed ashore, bag and baggage, next morning. Dear old Bluewater tries
+to keep me from going, and says, "What, after all, _is_ sea-sickness?"
+Dear old Bluewater must be an ass. Confound old Bluewater!
+
+[Footnote A: Qy. spinnaker boom.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE EXCURSION.
+
+_Head of Family._ "I reckon some of us'll have to stand, or we shan't
+all get seats!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CAUSE AND EFFECT
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ "I had such a lovely bathe last Thursday, dear."
+
+_Niece._ "That was the day of the tidal wave, wasn't it, Auntie?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: How Stonehenge might be popularised if the Government
+bought it. Suggestion gratis.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Full-sized Tripper._ "How does one get into the
+churchyard, please?"
+
+_Simple Little Native._ "Through this 'ere 'ole!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Walking Tourist._ "What's the name of this village, my
+man?"
+
+_Yokel._ "Oi dunno, zur. Oi only bin 'ere a month!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD WORLD AND THE NEW
+
+_Fair Yankee_ (_in Egypt_). "I say, uncle, can yew tell me, air there
+ever any new camels? I guess all I've seen must be second-hand!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN UNCONGENIAL SPOT FOR TEETOTALERS.--Barmouth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MAN WHO BEATS ABOUT THE BUSH.--An Australian.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "IN PERIL OF PRECIPITATION"--_Coriolanus_, iii. 3.
+
+_Stout Party._ "Hi! boy, stop! I'm going to get off."
+
+_Donkey Boy._ "Yer carn't, marm. There ain't room!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DETECTED.--_Clerical Tourist_ (_visiting cathedral_).
+"Always open, eh? And do you find that people come here on week-days for
+rest and meditation?"
+
+_Verger._ "Ay, that they do, odd times. Why, I catched some of 'em at it
+only last Toosday!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "Well, if that's David, what a size Goliath
+must a' been."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOLIDAY FARE IN CORNWALL
+
+  A Roll on the billow,
+    A Loaf by the shore,
+  A Fig for fashion,
+    And Cream galore!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROAD TO THE NIAGARA FALLS.--_Via Dollarosa._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE THE FELLAH'S SHOE PINCHES.--Where the corn used to be--in Egypt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch On Tour, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH ON TOUR ***
+
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