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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/3532-h.zip b/3532-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b23282c --- /dev/null +++ b/3532-h.zip diff --git a/3532-h/3532-h.htm b/3532-h/3532-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..688d541 --- /dev/null +++ b/3532-h/3532-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5239 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + My Discovery of England, by Stephen Leacock + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { margin:10%; + text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; } + hr.full { width: 100%; } + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + img {border: 0;} + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%;} + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 1%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: left; + color: gray; + } /* page numbers */ + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 1%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; + margin: 15%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 5%; margin-bottom: .75em; font-size: 80%;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 5%;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + PRE { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 20%;} + // +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of My Discovery of England, by Stephen Leacock + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: My Discovery of England + +Author: Stephen Leacock + +Commentator: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: February 12, 2009 [EBook #3532] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MY DISCOVERY OF ENGLAND *** + + + + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan, The Distributed Proofers Team, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + MY DISCOVERY OF ENGLAND + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + 1922 + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Stephen Leacock + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <p> + <a href="#link2H_INTR"> Introduction of Mr. Stephen Leacock Given by Sir + Owen Seaman </a><br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> <b>MY DISCOVERY OF + ENGLAND</b> </a> <br /> + </p> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> I. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Balance of Trade in Impressions + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> II. </a> + </td> + <td> + I Am Interviewed by the Press + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> III. </a> + </td> + <td> + Impressions of London + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> IV. </a> + </td> + <td> + A Clear View of the Government and Politics of England + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> V. </a> + </td> + <td> + Oxford as I See It + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> VI. </a> + </td> + <td> + The British and the American Press + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> VII. </a> + </td> + <td> + Business in England. Wanted—More Profiteers + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> VIII. </a> + </td> + <td> + Is Prohibition Coming to England? + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> IX. </a> + </td> + <td> + "We Have With Us To-night" + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> X. </a> + </td> + <td> + Have the English any Sense of Humour? + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + Introduction of Mr. Stephen Leacock Given by Sir Owen Seaman on the + Occasion of His First Lecture in London + </h2> + <p> + LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: It is usual on these occasions for the chairman to + begin something like this: "The lecturer, I am sure, needs no introduction + from me." And indeed, when I have been the lecturer and somebody else has + been the chairman, I have more than once suspected myself of being the + better man of the two. Of course I hope I should always have the good + manners—I am sure Mr. Leacock has—to disguise that suspicion. + However, one has to go through these formalities, and I will therefore + introduce the lecturer to you. + </p> + <p> + Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr. Stephen Leacock. Mr. Leacock, this is + the flower of London intelligence—or perhaps I should say one of the + flowers; the rest are coming to your other lectures. + </p> + <p> + In ordinary social life one stops at an introduction and does not proceed + to personal details. But behaviour on the platform, as on the stage, is + seldom ordinary. I will therefore tell you a thing or two about Mr. + Leacock. In the first place, by vocation he is a Professor of Political + Economy, and he practises humour—frenzied fiction instead of + frenzied finance—by way of recreation. There he differs a good deal + from me, who have to study the products of humour for my living, and by + way of recreation read Mr. Leacock on political economy. + </p> + <p> + Further, Mr. Leacock is all-British, being English by birth and Canadian + by residence, I mention this for two reasons: firstly, because England and + the Empire are very proud to claim him for their own, and, secondly, + because I do not wish his nationality to be confused with that of his + neighbours on the other side. For English and American humourists have not + always seen eye to eye. When we fail to appreciate their humour they say + we are too dull and effete to understand it: and when they do not + appreciate ours they say we haven't got any. + </p> + <p> + Now Mr. Leacock's humour is British by heredity; but he has caught + something of the spirit of American humour by force of association. This + puts him in a similar position to that in which I found myself once when I + took the liberty of swimming across a rather large loch in Scotland. After + climbing into the boat I was in the act of drying myself when I was + accosted by the proprietor of the hotel adjacent to the shore. "You have + no business to be bathing here," he shouted. "I'm not," I said; "I'm + bathing on the other side." In the same way, if anyone on either side of + the water is unintelligent enough to criticise Mr. Leacock's humour, he + can always say it comes from the other side. But the truth is that his + humour contains all that is best in the humour of both hemispheres. + </p> + <p> + Having fulfilled my duty as chairman, in that I have told you nothing that + you did not know before—except, perhaps, my swimming feat, which + never got into the Press because I have a very bad publicity agent—I + will not detain you longer from what you are really wanting to get at; but + ask Mr. Leacock to proceed at once with his lecture on "Frenzied Fiction." + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h1> + MY DISCOVERY OF ENGLAND + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + I. The Balance of Trade in Impressions + </h2> + <p> + FOR some years past a rising tide of lecturers and literary men from + England has washed upon the shores of our North American continent. The + purpose of each one of them is to make a new discovery of America. They + come over to us travelling in great simplicity, and they return in the + ducal suite of the Aquitania. They carry away with them their impressions + of America, and when they reach England they sell them. This export of + impressions has now been going on so long that the balance of trade in + impressions is all disturbed. There is no doubt that the Americans and + Canadians have been too generous in this matter of giving away + impressions. We emit them with the careless ease of a glow worm, and like + the glow-worm ask for nothing in return. + </p> + <p> + But this irregular and one-sided traffic has now assumed such great + proportions that we are compelled to ask whether it is right to allow + these people to carry away from us impressions of the very highest + commercial value without giving us any pecuniary compensation whatever. + British lecturers have been known to land in New York, pass the customs, + drive uptown in a closed taxi, and then forward to England from the closed + taxi itself ten dollars' worth of impressions of American national + character. I have myself seen an English literary man,—the biggest, + I believe: he had at least the appearance of it; sit in the corridor of a + fashionable New York hotel and look gloomily into his hat, and then from + his very hat produce an estimate of the genius of Amer ica at twenty cents + a word. The nice question as to whose twenty cents that was never seems to + have occurred to him. + </p> + <p> + I am not writing in the faintest spirit of jealousy. I quite admit the + extraordinary ability that is involved in this peculiar susceptibility to + impressions. I have estimated that some of these English visitors have + been able to receive impressions at the rate of four to the second; in + fact, they seem to get them every time they see twenty cents. But without + jealousy or complaint, I do feel that somehow these impressions are + inadequate and fail to depict us as we really are. + </p> + <p> + Let me illustrate what I mean. Here are some of the impressions of New + York, gathered from visitors' discoveries of America, and reproduced not + perhaps word for word but as closely as I can remember them. "New York", + writes one, "nestling at the foot of the Hudson, gave me an impression of + cosiness, of tiny graciousness: in short, of weeness." But compare this—"New + York," according to another discoverer of America, "gave me an impression + of size, of vastness; there seemed to be a big ness about it not found in + smaller places." A third visitor writes, "New York struck me as hard, + cruel, almost inhuman." This, I think, was because his taxi driver had + charged him three dollars. "The first thing that struck me in New York," + writes another, "was the Statue of Liberty." But, after all, that was only + natural: it was the first thing that could reach him. + </p> + <p> + Nor is it only the impressions of the metropolis that seem to fall short + of reality. Let me quote a few others taken at random here and there over + the continent. + </p> + <p> + "I took from Pittsburg," says an English visitor, "an impression of + something that I could hardly define—an atmosphere rather than an + idea." + </p> + <p> + All very well, But, after all, had he the right to take it? Granted that + Pittsburg has an atmosphere rather than an idea, the attempt to carry away + this atmosphere surely borders on rapacity. + </p> + <p> + "New Orleans," writes another visitor, "opened her arms to me and bestowed + upon me the soft and languorous kiss of the Caribbean." This statement may + or may not be true; but in any case it hardly seems the fair thing to + mention it. + </p> + <p> + "Chicago," according to another book of discovery, "struck me as a large + city. Situated as it is and where it is, it seems destined to be a place + of importance." + </p> + <p> + Or here, again, is a form of "impression" that recurs again and again-"At + Cleveland I felt a distinct note of optimism in the air." + </p> + <p> + This same note of optimism is found also at Toledo, at Toronto—in + short, I believe it indicates nothing more than that some one gave the + visitor a cigar. Indeed it generally occurs during the familiar scene in + which the visitor describes his cordial reception in an unsuspecting + American town: thus: + </p> + <p> + "I was met at the station (called in America the depot) by a member of the + Municipal Council driving his own motor car. After giving me an excellent + cigar, he proceeded to drive me about the town, to various points of + interest, including the municipal abattoir, where he gave me another + excellent cigar, the Carnegie public library, the First National Bank (the + courteous manager of which gave me an excellent cigar) and the Second + Congregational Church where I had the pleasure of meeting the pastor. The + pastor, who appeared a man of breadth and culture, gave me another cigar. + In the evening a dinner, admirably cooked and excellently served, was + tendered to me at a leading hotel." And of course he took it. After which + his statement that he carried away from the town a feeling of optimism + explains itself: he had four cigars, the dinner, and half a page of + impressions at twenty cents a word. + </p> + <p> + Nor is it only by the theft of impressions that we suffer at the hands of + these English discoverers of America. It is a part of the system also that + we have to submit to being lectured to by our talented visitors. It is now + quite understood that as soon as an English literary man finishes a book + he is rushed across to America to tell the people of the United States and + Canada all about it, and how he came to write it. At home, in his own + country, they don't care how he came to write it. He's written it and + that's enough. But in America it is different. One month after the + distinguished author's book on The Boyhood of Botticelli has appeared in + London, he is seen to land in New York very quietly out of one of the back + portholes of the Olympic. That same afternoon you will find him in an + armchair in one of the big hotels giving off impressions of America to a + group of reporters. After which notices appear in all the papers to the + effect that he will lecture in Carnegie Hall on "Botticelli the Boy". The + audience is assured beforehand. It consists of all the people who feel + that they have to go because they know all about Botticelli and all the + people who feel that they have to go because they don't know anything + about Botticelli. By this means the lecturer is able to rake the whole + country from Montreal to San Francisco with "Botticelli the Boy". Then he + turns round, labels his lecture "Botticelli the Man", and rakes it all + back again. All the way across the continent and back he emits + impressions, estimates of national character, and surveys of American + genius. He sails from New York in a blaze of publicity, with his cordon of + reporters round him, and a month later publishes his book "America as I + Saw It". It is widely read—in America. + </p> + <p> + In the course of time a very considerable public feeling was aroused in + the United States and Canada over this state of affairs. The lack of + reciprocity in it seemed unfair. It was felt (or at least I felt) that the + time had come when some one ought to go over and take some impressions off + England. The choice of such a person (my choice) fell upon myself. By an + arrangement with the Geographical Society of America, acting in + conjunction with the Royal Geographical Society of England (to both of + whom I communicated my proposal), I went at my own expense. + </p> + <p> + It is scarcely feasible to give here full details in regard to my outfit + and equipment, though I hope to do so in a later and more extended account + of my expedition. Suffice it to say that my outfit, which was modelled on + the equipment of English lecturers in America, included a complete suit of + clothes, a dress shirt for lecturing in, a fountain pen and a silk hat. + The dress shirt, I may say for the benefit of other travellers, proved + invaluable. The silk hat, however, is no longer used in England except + perhaps for scrambling eggs in. + </p> + <p> + I pass over the details of my pleasant voyage from New York to Liverpool. + During the last fifty years so many travellers have made the voyage across + the Atlantic that it is now impossible to obtain any impressions from the + ocean of the slightest commercial value. My readers will recall the fact + that Washington Irving, as far back as a century ago, chronicled the + pleasure that one felt during an Atlantic voyage in idle day dreams while + lying prone upon the bowsprit and watching the dolphins leaping in the + crystalline foam. Since his time so many gifted writers have attempted to + do the same thing that on the large Atlantic liners the bowsprit has been + removed, or at any rate a notice put up: "Authors are requested not to lie + prostrate on the bowsprit." But even without this advantage, three or four + generations of writers have chronicled with great minuteness their + sensations during the transit. I need only say that my sensations were + just as good as theirs. I will content myself with chronicling the fact + that during the voyage we passed two dolphins, one whale and one iceberg + (none of them moving very fast at the time), and that on the fourth day + out the sea was so rough that the Captain said that in forty years he had + never seen such weather. One of the steerage passengers, we were told, was + actually washed overboard: I think it was over board that he was washed, + but it may have been on board the ship itself. + </p> + <p> + I pass over also the incidents of my landing in Liverpool, except perhaps + to comment upon the extraordinary behaviour of the English customs + officials. Without wishing in any way to disturb international relations, + one cannot help noticing the rough and inquisitorial methods of the + English customs men as compared with the gentle and affectionate ways of + the American officials at New York. The two trunks that I brought with me + were dragged brutally into an open shed, the strap of one of them was + rudely unbuckled, while the lid of the other was actually lifted at least + four inches. The trunks were then roughly scrawled with chalk, the lids + slammed to, and that was all. Not one of the officials seemed to care to + look at my things or to have the politeness to pretend to want to. I had + arranged my dress suit and my pyjamas so as to make as effective a display + as possible: a New York customs officer would have been delighted with it. + Here they simply passed it over. "Do open this trunk," I asked one of the + officials, "and see my pyjamas." "I don't think it is necessary, sir," the + man answered. There was a coldness about it that cut me to the quick. + </p> + <p> + But bad as is the conduct of the English customs men, the immigration + officials are even worse. I could not help being struck by the dreadful + carelessness with which people are admitted into England. There are, it is + true, a group of officials said to be in charge of immigration, but they + know nothing of the discriminating care exercised on the other side of the + Atlantic. + </p> + <p> + "Do you want to know," I asked one of them, "whether I am a polygamist?" + </p> + <p> + "No, sir," he said very quietly. + </p> + <p> + "Would you like me to tell you whether I am fundamentally opposed to any + and every system of government?" + </p> + <p> + The man seemed mystified. "No, sir," he said. "I don't know that I would." + </p> + <p> + "Don't you care?" I asked. + </p> + <p> + "Well, not particularly, sir," he answered. + </p> + <p> + I was determined to arouse him from his lethargy. + </p> + <p> + "Let me tell you, then," I said, "that I am an anarchistic polygamist, + that I am opposed to all forms of government, that I object to any kind of + revealed religion, that I regard the state and property and marriage as + the mere tyranny of the bourgeoisie, and that I want to see class hatred + carried to the point where it forces every one into brotherly love. Now, + do I get in?" + </p> + <p> + The official looked puzzled for a minute. "You are not Irish, are you, + sir?" he said. + </p> + <p> + "No." + </p> + <p> + "Then I think you can come in all right." he answered. + </p> + <p> + The journey from Liverpool to London, like all other English journeys, is + short. This is due to the fact that England is a small country: it + contains only 50,000 square miles, whereas the United States, as every one + knows, contains three and a half billion. I mentioned this fact to an + English fellow passenger on the train, together with a provisional + estimate of the American corn crop for 1922: but he only drew his rug + about his knees, took a sip of brandy from his travelling flask, and sank + into a state resembling death. I contented myself with jotting down an + impression of incivility and paid no further attention to my fellow + traveller other than to read the labels on his lug gage and to peruse the + headings of his newspaper by peeping over his shoulder. + </p> + <p> + It was my first experience of travelling with a fellow passenger in a + compartment of an English train, and I admit now that I was as yet + ignorant of the proper method of conduct. Later on I became fully + conversant with the rule of travel as understood in England. I should have + known, of course, that I must on no account speak to the man. But I should + have let down the window a little bit in such a way as to make a strong + draught on his ear. Had this failed to break down his reserve I should + have placed a heavy valise in the rack over his head so balanced that it + might fall on him at any moment. Failing this again, I could have blown + rings of smoke at him or stepped on his feet under the pretence of looking + out of the window. Under the English rule as long as he bears this in + silence you are not supposed to know him. In fact, he is not supposed to + be there. You and he each presume the other to be a mere piece of empty + space. But let him once be driven to say, "Oh, I beg your pardon, I wonder + if you would mind my closing the window," and he is lost. After that you + are entitled to tell him anything about the corn crop that you care to. + </p> + <p> + But in the present case I knew nothing of this, and after three hours of + charming silence I found myself in London. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + II. I Am Interviewed by the Press + </h2> + <p> + IMMEDIATELY upon my arrival in London I was interviewed by the Press. I + was interviewed in all twenty times. I am not saying this in any spirit of + elation or boastfulness. I am simply stating it as a fact—interviewed + twenty times, sixteen times by men and twice by women. But as I feel that + the results of these interviews were not all that I could have wished, I + think it well to make some public explanation of what happened. + </p> + <p> + The truth is that we do this thing so differently over in America that I + was for the time being completely thrown off my bearings. The questions + that I had every right to expect after many years of American and Canadian + interviews failed to appear. + </p> + <p> + I pass over the fact that being interviewed for five hours is a fatiguing + process. I lay no claim to exemption for that. But to that no doubt was + due the singular discrepancies as to my physical appearance which I + detected in the London papers. + </p> + <p> + The young man who interviewed me immediately after breakfast described me + as "a brisk, energetic man, still on the right side of forty, with energy + in every movement." + </p> + <p> + The lady who wrote me up at 11.30 reported that my hair was turning grey, + and that there was "a peculiar languor" in my manner. + </p> + <p> + And at the end the boy who took me over at a quarter to two said, "The old + gentleman sank wearily upon a chair in the hotel lounge. His hair is + almost white." + </p> + <p> + The trouble is that I had not understood that London reporters are + supposed to look at a man's personal appearance. In America we never + bother with that. We simply describe him as a "dynamo." For some reason or + other it always pleases everybody to be called a "dynamo," and the + readers, at least with us, like to read about people who are "dynamos," + and hardly care for anything else. + </p> + <p> + In the case of very old men we sometimes call them "battle-horses" or + "extinct volcanoes," but beyond these three classes we hardly venture on + description. So I was misled. I had expected that the reporter would say: + "As soon as Mr. Leacock came across the floor we felt we were in the + presence of a 'dynamo' (or an 'extinct battle-horse' as the case may be)." + Otherwise I would have kept up those energetic movements all the morning. + But they fatigue me, and I did not think them necessary. But I let that + pass. + </p> + <p> + The more serious trouble was the questions put to me by the reporters. + Over in our chief centres of population we use another set altogether. I + am thinking here especially of the kind of interview that I have given out + in Youngstown, Ohio, and Richmond, Indiana, and Peterborough, Ontario. In + all these places—for example, in Youngstown, Ohio the reporter asks + as his first question, "What is your impression of Youngstown?" + </p> + <p> + In London they don't. They seem indifferent to the fate of their city. + Perhaps it is only English pride. For all I know they may have been + burning to know this, just as the Youngstown, Ohio, people are, and were + too proud to ask. In any case I will insert here the answer I had written + out in my pocket-book (one copy for each paper—the way we do it in + Youngstown), and which read: + </p> + <p> + "London strikes me as emphatically a city with a future. Standing as she + does in the heart of a rich agricultural district with railroad connection + in all directions, and resting, as she must, on a bed of coal and oil, I + prophesy that she will one day be a great city." + </p> + <p> + The advantage of this is that it enables the reporter to get just the + right kind of heading: PROPHESIES BRIGHT FUTURE FOR LONDON. Had that been + used my name would have stood higher there than it does to-day—unless + the London people are very different from the people in Youngstown, which + I doubt. As it is they don't know whether their future is bright or is as + dark as mud. But it's not my fault. The reporters never asked me. + </p> + <p> + If the first question had been handled properly it would have led up by an + easy and pleasant transition to question two, which always runs: "Have you + seen our factories?" To which the answer is: + </p> + <p> + "I have. I was taken out early this morning by a group of your citizens + (whom I cannot thank enough) in a Ford car to look at your pail and bucket + works. At eleven-thirty I was taken out by a second group in what was + apparently the same car to see your soap works. I understand that you are + the second nail-making centre east of the Alleghenies, and I am amazed and + appalled. This afternoon I am to be taken out to see your wonderful system + of disposing of sewerage, a thing which has fascinated me from childhood." + </p> + <p> + Now I am not offering any criticism of the London system of interviewing, + but one sees at once how easy and friendly for all concerned this + Youngstown method is; how much better it works than the London method of + asking questions about literature and art and difficult things of that + sort. I am sure that there must be soap works and perhaps a pail factory + somewhere in London. But during my entire time of residence there no one + ever offered to take me to them. As for the sewerage—oh, well, I + suppose we are more hospitable in America. Let it go at that. + </p> + <p> + I had my answer all written and ready, saying: + </p> + <p> + "I understand that London is the second greatest hop-consuming, the fourth + hog-killing, and the first egg-absorbing centre in the world." + </p> + <p> + But what I deplore still more, and I think with reason, is the total + omission of the familiar interrogation: "What is your impression of our + women?" + </p> + <p> + That's where the reporter over on our side hits the nail every time. That + is the point at which we always nudge him in the ribs and buy him a cigar, + and at which youth and age join in a sly jest together. Here again the + sub-heading comes in so nicely: THINKS YOUNGSTOWN WOMEN CHARMING. And they + are. They are, everywhere. But I hate to think that I had to keep my + impression of London women unused in my pocket while a young man asked me + whether I thought modern literature owed more to observation and less to + inspiration than some other kind of literature. + </p> + <p> + Now that's exactly the kind of question, the last one, that the London + reporters seem to harp on. They seemed hipped about literature; and their + questions are too difficult. One asked me whether the American drama was + structurally inferior to the French. I don't call that fair. I told him I + didn't know; that I used to know the answer to it when I was at college, + but that I had forgotten it, and that, anyway, I am too well off now to + need to remember it. + </p> + <p> + That question is only one of a long list that they asked me about art and + literature. I missed nearly all of them, except one as to whether I + thought Al Jolson or Frank Tinney was the higher artist, and even that one + was asked by an American who is wasting himself on the London Press. + </p> + <p> + I don't want to speak in anger. But I say it frankly, the atmosphere of + these young men is not healthy, and I felt that I didn't want to see them + any more. + </p> + <p> + Had there been a reporter of the kind we have at home in Montreal or + Toledo or Springfield, Illinois, I would have welcomed him at my hotel. He + could have taken me out in a Ford car and shown me a factory and told me + how many cubic feet of water go down the Thames in an hour. I should have + been glad of his society, and he and I would have together made up the + kind of copy that people of his class and mine read. But I felt that if + any young man came along to ask about the structure of the modern drama, + he had better go on to the British Museum. + </p> + <p> + Meantime as the reporters entirely failed to elicit the large fund of + information which I acquired, I reserve my impressions of London for a + chapter by themselves. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + III. Impressions of London + </h2> + <p> + BEFORE setting down my impressions of the great English metropolis; a + phrase which I have thought out as a designation for London; I think it + proper to offer an initial apology. I find that I receive impressions with + great difficulty and have nothing of that easy facility in picking them up + which is shown by British writers on America. I remember Hugh Walpole + telling me that he could hardly walk down Broadway without getting at + least three dollars' worth and on Fifth Avenue five dollars' worth; and I + recollect that St. John Ervine came up to my house in Montreal, drank a + cup of tea, borrowed some tobacco, and got away with sixty dollars' worth + of impressions of Canadian life and character. + </p> + <p> + For this kind of thing I have only a despairing admiration. I can get an + impression if I am given time and can think about it beforehand. But it + requires thought. This fact was all the more distressing to me in as much + as one of the leading editors of America had made me a proposal, as + honourable to him as it was lucrative to me, that immediately on my + arrival in London;—or just before it,—I should send him a + thousand words on the genius of the English, and five hundred words on the + spirit of London, and two hundred words of personal chat with Lord + Northcliffe. This contract I was unable to fulfil except the personal chat + with Lord Northcliffe, which proved an easy matter as he happened to be + away in Australia. + </p> + <p> + But I have since pieced together my impressions as conscientiously as I + could and I present them here. If they seem to be a little bit modelled on + British impressions of America I admit at once that the influence is + there. We writers all act and react on one another; and when I see a good + thing in another man's book I react on it at once. + </p> + <p> + London, the name of which is already known to millions of readers of this + book, is beautifully situated on the river Thames, which here sweeps in a + wide curve with much the same breadth and majesty as the St. Jo River at + South Bend, Indiana. London, like South Bend itself, is a city of clean + streets and admirable sidewalks, and has an excellent water supply. One is + at once struck by the number of excellent and well-appointed motor cars + that one sees on every hand, the neatness of the shops and the cleanliness + and cheerfulness of the faces of the people. In short, as an English + visitor said of Peterborough, Ontario, there is a distinct note of + optimism in the air. I forget who it was who said this, but at any rate I + have been in Peterborough myself and I have seen it. + </p> + <p> + Contrary to my expectations and contrary to all our Transatlantic + precedents, I was not met at the depot by one of the leading citizens, + himself a member of the Municipal Council, driving his own motor car. He + did not tuck a fur rug about my knees, present me with a really excellent + cigar and proceed to drive me about the town so as to show me the leading + points of interest, the municipal reservoir, the gas works and the + municipal abattoir. In fact he was not there. But I attribute his absence + not to any lack of hospitality but merely to a certain reserve in the + English character. They are as yet unused to the arrival of lecturers. + When they get to be more accustomed to their coming, they will learn to + take them straight to the municipal abattoir just as we do. + </p> + <p> + For lack of better guidance, therefore, I had to form my impressions of + London by myself. In the mere physical sense there is much to attract the + eye. The city is able to boast of many handsome public buildings and + offices which compare favourably with anything on the other side of the + Atlantic. On the bank of the Thames itself rises the power house of the + Westminster Electric Supply Corporation, a handsome modern edifice in the + later Japanese style. Close by are the commodious premises of the Imperial + Tobacco Company, while at no great distance the Chelsea Gas Works add a + striking feature of rotundity. Passing northward, one observes Westminster + Bridge, notable as a principal station of the underground railway. This + station and the one next above it, the Charing Cross one, are connected by + a wide thoroughfare called Whitehall. One of the best American drug stores + is here situated. The upper end of Whitehall opens into the majestic and + spacious Trafalgar Square. Here are grouped in imposing proximity the + offices of the Canadian Pacific and other railways, The International + Sleeping Car Company, the Montreal Star, and the Anglo-Dutch Bank. Two of + the best American barber shops are conveniently grouped near the Square, + while the existence of a tall stone monument in the middle of the Square + itself enables the American visitor to find them without difficulty. + Passing eastward towards the heart of the city, one notes on the left hand + the imposing pile of St. Paul's, an enormous church with a round dome on + the top, suggesting strongly the first Church of Christ (Scientist) on + Euclid Avenue, Cleveland. + </p> + <p> + But the English churches not being labelled, the visitor is often at a + loss to distinguish them. + </p> + <p> + A little further on one finds oneself in the heart of financial London. + Here all the great financial institutions of America—The First + National Bank of Milwaukee, The Planters National Bank of St. Louis, The + Montana Farmers Trust Co., and many others,—have either their + offices or their agents. The Bank of England—which acts as the + London Agent of The Montana Farmers Trust Company,—and the London + County Bank, which represents the People's Deposit Co., of Yonkers, N.Y., + are said to be in the neighbourhood. + </p> + <p> + This particular part of London is connected with the existence of that + strange and mysterious thing called "the City." I am still unable to + decide whether the city is a person, or a place, or a thing. But as a form + of being I give it credit for being the most emotional, the most volatile, + the most peculiar creature in the world. You read in the morning paper + that the City is "deeply depressed." At noon it is reported that the City + is "buoyant" and by four o'clock that the City is "wildly excited." + </p> + <p> + I have tried in vain to find the causes of these peculiar changes of + feeling. The ostensible reasons, as given in the newspaper, are so trivial + as to be hardly worthy of belief. For example, here is the kind of news + that comes out from the City. "The news that a modus vivendi has been + signed between the Sultan of Kowfat and the Shriek-ul-Islam has caused a + sudden buoyancy in the City. Steel rails which had been depressed all + morning reacted immediately while American mules rose up sharply to + par."... "Monsieur Poincar, speaking at Bordeaux, said that henceforth + France must seek to retain by all possible means the ping-pong + championship of the world: values in the City collapsed at once."... + "Despatches from Bombay say that the Shah of Persia yesterday handed a + golden slipper to the Grand Vizier Feebli Pasha as a sign that he might go + and chase himself: the news was at once followed by a drop in oil, and a + rapid attempt to liquidate everything that is fluid..." + </p> + <p> + But these mysteries of the City I do not pretend to explain. I have passed + through the place dozens of times and never noticed anything particular in + the way of depression or buoyancy, or falling oil, or rising rails. But no + doubt it is there. + </p> + <p> + A little beyond the city and further down the river the visitor finds this + district of London terminating in the gloomy and forbidding Tower, the + principal penitentiary of the city. Here Queen Victoria was imprisoned for + many years. + </p> + <p> + Excellent gasoline can be had at the American Garage immediately north of + the Tower, where motor repairs of all kinds are also carried on. + </p> + <p> + These, however, are but the superficial pictures of London, gathered by + the eye of the tourist. A far deeper meaning is found in the examination + of the great historic monuments of the city. The principal ones of these + are the Tower of London (just mentioned), the British Museum and + Westminster Abbey. No visitor to London should fail to see these. Indeed + he ought to feel that his visit to England is wasted unless he has seen + them. I speak strongly on the point because I feel strongly on it. To my + mind there is something about the grim fascination of the historic Tower, + the cloistered quiet of the Museum and the majesty of the ancient Abbey, + which will make it the regret of my life that I didn't see any one of the + three. I fully meant to: but I failed: and I can only hope that the + circumstances of my failure may be helpful to other visitors. + </p> + <p> + The Tower of London I most certainly intended to inspect. Each day, after + the fashion of every tourist, I wrote for myself a little list of things + to do and I always put the Tower of London on it. No doubt the reader + knows the kind of little list that I mean. It runs: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1. Go to bank. + + 2. Buy a shirt. + + 3. National Picture Gallery. + + 4. Razor blades. + + 5. Tower of London. + + 6. Soap. +</pre> + <p> + This itinerary, I regret to say, was never carried out in full. I was able + at times both to go to the bank and buy a shirt in a single morning: at + other times I was able to buy razor blades and almost to find the National + Picture Gallery. Meantime I was urged on all sides by my London + acquaintances not to fail to see the Tower. "There's a grim fascination + about the place," they said; "you mustn't miss it." I am quite certain + that in due course of time I should have made my way to the Tower but for + the fact that I made a fatal discovery. I found out that the London people + who urged me to go and see the Tower had never seen it themselves. It + appears they never go near it. One night at a dinner a man next to me + said, "Have you seen the Tower? You really ought to. There's a grim + fascination about it." I looked him in the face. "Have you seen it + yourself?" I asked. "Oh, yes," he answered. "I've seen it." "When?" I + asked. The man hesitated. "When I was just a boy," he said, "my father + took me there." "How long ago is that?" I enquired. "About forty years + ago," he answered; + </p> + <p> + "I always mean to go again but I don't somehow seem to get the time." + </p> + <p> + After this I got to understand that when a Londoner says, "Have you seen + the Tower of London?" the answer is, "No, and neither have you." + </p> + <p> + Take the parallel case of the British Museum. Here is a place that is a + veritable treasure house. A repository of some of the most priceless + historical relics to be found upon the earth. It contains, for instance, + the famous Papyrus Manuscript of Thotmes II of the first Egyptian dynasty—a + thing known to scholars all over the world as the oldest extant specimen + of what can be called writing; indeed one can here see the actual + evolution (I am quoting from a work of reference, or at least from my + recollection of it) from the ideographic cuneiform to the phonetic + syllabic script. Every time I have read about that manuscript and have + happened to be in Orillia (Ontario) or Schenectady (N.Y.) or any such + place, I have felt that I would be willing to take a whole trip to England + to have five minutes at the British Museum, just five, to look at that + papyrus. Yet as soon as I got to London this changed. The railway stations + of London have been so arranged that to get to any train for the north or + west, the traveller must pass the British Museum. The first time I went by + it in a taxi, I felt quite a thrill. "Inside those walls," I thought to + myself, "is the manuscript of Thotmes II." The next time I actually + stopped the taxi. "Is that the British Museum?" I asked the driver, "I + think it is something of the sort, sir," he said. I hesitated. "Drive me," + I said, "to where I can buy safety razor blades." + </p> + <p> + After that I was able to drive past the Museum with the quiet assurance of + a Londoner, and to take part in dinner table discussions as to whether the + British Museum or the Louvre contains the greater treasures. It is quite + easy any way. All you have to do is to remember that The Winged Victory of + Samothrace is in the Louvre and the papyrus of Thotmes II (or some such + document) is in the Museum. + </p> + <p> + The Abbey, I admit, is indeed majestic. I did not intend to miss going + into it. But I felt, as so many tourists have, that I wanted to enter it + in the proper frame of mind. I never got into the frame of mind; at least + not when near the Abbey itself. I have been in exactly that frame of mind + when on State Street, Chicago, or on King Street, Toronto, or anywhere + three thousand miles away from the Abbey. But by bad luck I never struck + both the frame of mind and the Abbey at the same time. + </p> + <p> + But the Londoners, after all, in not seeing their own wonders, are only + like the rest of the world. The people who live in Buffalo never go to see + Niagara Falls; people in Cleveland don't know which is Mr. Rockefeller's + house, and people live and even die in New York without going up to the + top of the Woolworth Building. And anyway the past is remote and the + present is near. I know a cab driver in the city of Quebec whose business + in life it is to drive people up to see the Plains of Abraham, but unless + they bother him to do it, he doesn't show them the spot where Wolfe fell: + what he does point out with real zest is the place where the Mayor and the + City Council sat on the wooden platform that they put up for the municipal + celebration last summer. + </p> + <p> + No description of London would be complete without a reference, however + brief, to the singular salubrity and charm of the London climate. This is + seen at its best during the autumn and winter months. The climate of + London and indeed of England generally is due to the influence of the Gulf + Stream. The way it works is thus: The Gulf Stream, as it nears the shores + of the British Isles and feels the propinquity of Ireland, rises into the + air, turns into soup, and comes down on London. At times the soup is thin + and is in fact little more than a mist: at other times it has the + consistency of a thick Potage St. Germain. London people are a little + sensitive on the point and flatter their atmosphere by calling it a fog: + but it is not: it is soup. The notion that no sunlight ever gets through + and that in the London winter people never see the sun is of course a + ridiculous error, circulated no doubt by the jealousy of foreign nations. + I have myself seen the sun plainly visible in London, without the aid of + glasses, on a November day in broad daylight; and again one night about + four o'clock in the afternoon I saw the sun distinctly appear through the + clouds. The whole subject of daylight in the London winter is, however, + one which belongs rather to the technique of astronomy than to a book of + description. In practice daylight is but little used. Electric lights are + burned all the time in all houses, buildings, railway stations and clubs. + This practice which is now universally observed is called Daylight Saving. + </p> + <p> + But the distinction between day and night during the London winter is + still quite obvious to any one of an observant mind. It is indicated by + various signs such as the striking of clocks, the tolling of bells, the + closing of saloons, and the raising of taxi rates. It is much less easy to + distinguish the technical approach of night in the other cities of England + that lie outside the confines, physical and intellectual, of London and + live in a continuous gloom. In such places as the great manufacturing + cities, Buggingham-under-Smoke, or Gloomsbury-on-Ooze, night may be said + to be perpetual. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + I had written the whole of the above chapter and looked on it as finished + when I realised that I had made a terrible omission. I neglected to say + anything about the Mind of London. This is a thing that is always put into + any book of discovery and observation and I can only apologise for not + having discussed it sooner. I am quite familiar with other people's + chapters on "The Mind of America," and "The Chinese Mind," and so forth. + Indeed, so far as I know it has turned out that almost everybody all over + the world has a mind. Nobody nowadays travels, even in Central America or + Thibet, without bringing back a chapter on "The Mind of Costa Rica," or on + the "Psychology of the Mongolian." Even the gentler peoples such as the + Burmese, the Siamese, the Hawaiians, and the Russians, though they have no + minds are written up as souls. + </p> + <p> + It is quite obvious then that there is such a thing as the mind of London: + and it is all the more culpable in me to have neglected it in as much as + my editorial friend in New York had expressly mentioned it to me before I + sailed. "What," said he, leaning far over his desk after his massive + fashion and reaching out into the air, "what is in the minds of these + people? Are they," he added, half to himself, though I heard him, "are + they thinking? And, if they think, what do they think?" + </p> + <p> + I did therefore, during my stay in London, make an accurate study of the + things that London seemed to be thinking about. As a comparative basis for + this study I brought with me a carefully selected list of the things that + New York was thinking about at the moment. These I selected from the + current newspapers in the proportions to the amount of space allotted to + each topic and the size of the heading that announced it. Having thus a + working idea of what I may call the mind of New York, I was able to + collect and set beside it a list of similar topics, taken from the London + Press to represent the mind of London. The two placed side by side make an + interesting piece of psychological analysis. They read as follows: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE MIND OF NEW YORK THE MIND OF LONDON + What is it thinking? What is it thinking? + + 1. Do chorus girls make 1. Do chorus girls marry + good wives? well? + + 2. Is red hair a sign of 2. What is red hair a + temperament? sign of? + + 3. Can a woman be in 3. Can a man be in love + love with two men? with two women? + + 4. Is fat a sign of genius? 4. Is genius a sign of fat? +</pre> + <p> + Looking over these lists, I think it is better to present them without + comment; I feel sure that somewhere or other in them one should detect the + heart-throbs, the pulsations of two great peoples. But I don't get it. In + fact the two lists look to me terribly like "the mind of Costa Rica." + </p> + <p> + The same editor also advised me to mingle, at his expense, in the + brilliant intellectual life of England. "There," he said, "is a coterie of + men, probably the most brilliant group East of the Mississippi." (I think + he said the Mississippi). "You will find them," he said to me, "brilliant, + witty, filled with repartee." He suggested that I should send him back, as + far as words could express it, some of this brilliance. I was very glad to + be able to do this, although I fear that the results were not at all what + he had anticipated. Still, I held conversations with these people and I + gave him, in all truthfulness, the result. Sir James Barrie said, "This is + really very exceptional weather for this time of year." Cyril Maude said, + "And so a Martini cocktail is merely gin and vermouth." Ian Hay said, + "You'll find the underground ever so handy once you understand it." + </p> + <p> + I have a lot more of these repartees that I could insert here if it was + necessary. But somehow I feel that it is not. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IV. A Clear View of the Government and Politics of England + </h2> + <p> + A LOYAL British subject like myself in dealing with the government of + England should necessarily begin with a discussion of the monarchy. I have + never had the pleasure of meeting the King,—except once on the + G.T.R. platform in Orillia, Ontario, when he was the Duke of York and I + was one of the welcoming delegates of the town council. No doubt he would + recall it in a minute. + </p> + <p> + But in England the King is surrounded by formality and circumstance. On + many mornings I waited round the gates of Buckingham Palace but I found it + quite impossible to meet the King in the quiet sociable way in which one + met him in Orillia. The English, it seems, love to make the kingship a + subject of great pomp and official etiquette. In Canada it is quite + different. Perhaps we understand kings and princes better than the English + do. At any rate we treat them in a far more human heart-to-heart fashion + than is the English custom, and they respond to it at once. I remember + when King George—he was, as I say, Duke of York then—came up + to Orillia, Ontario, how we all met him in a delegation on the platform. + Bob Curran—Bob was Mayor of the town that year—went up to him + and shook hands with him and invited him to come right on up to the + Orillia House where he had a room reserved for him. Charlie Janes and Mel + Tudhope and the other boys who were on the town Council gathered round the + royal prince and shook hands and told him that he simply must stay over. + George Rapley, the bank manager, said that if he wanted a cheque cashed or + anything of that sort to come right into the Royal Bank and he would do it + for him. The prince had two aides-de-camp with him and a secretary, but + Bob Curran said to bring them uptown too and it would be all right. We had + planned to have an oyster supper for the Prince at Jim Smith's hotel and + then take him either to the Y.M.C.A. Pool Room or else over to the tea + social in the basement of the Presbyterian Church. + </p> + <p> + Unluckily the prince couldn't stay. It turned out that he had to get right + back into his train and go on to Peterborough, Ontario, where they were to + have a brass band to meet him, which naturally he didn't want to miss. + </p> + <p> + But the point is that it was a real welcome. And you could see that the + prince appreciated it. There was a warmth and a meaning to it that the + prince understood at once. It was a pity that he couldn't have stayed over + and had time to see the carriage factory and the new sewerage plant. We + all told the prince that he must come back and he said that if he could he + most certainly would. When the prince's train pulled out of the station + and we all went back uptown together (it was before prohibition came to + Ontario) you could feel that the institution of royalty was quite solid in + Orillia for a generation. + </p> + <p> + But you don't get that sort of thing in England. + </p> + <p> + There's a formality and coldness in all their dealings with royalty that + would never go down with us. They like to have the King come and open + Parliament dressed in royal robes, and with a clattering troop of soldiers + riding in front of him. As for taking him over to the Y.M.C.A. to play pin + pool, they never think of it. They have seen so much of the mere outside + of his kingship that they don't understand the heart of it as we do in + Canada. + </p> + <p> + But let us turn to the House of Commons: for no description of England + would be complete without at least some mention of this interesting body. + Indeed for the ordinary visitor to London the greatest interest of all + attaches to the spacious and magnificent Parliament Buildings. The House + of Commons is commodiously situated beside the River Thames. The principal + features of the House are the large lunch room on the western side and the + tea-room on the terrace on the eastern. A series of smaller luncheon rooms + extend (apparently) all round about the premises: while a commodious bar + offers a ready access to the members at all hours of the day. While any + members are in the bar a light is kept burning in the tall Clock Tower at + one corner of the building, but when the bar is closed the light is turned + off by whichever of the Scotch members leaves last. There is a handsome + legislative chamber attached to the premises from which—so the + antiquarians tell us—the House of Commons took its name. But it is + not usual now for the members to sit in the legislative chamber as the + legislation is now all done outside, either at the home of Mr. Lloyd + George, or at the National Liberal Club, or at one or other of the + newspaper offices. The House, however, is called together at very frequent + intervals to give it an opportunity of hearing the latest legislation and + allowing the members to indulge in cheers, sighs, groans, votes and other + expressions of vitality. After having cheered as much as is good for it, + it goes back again to the lunch rooms and goes on eating till needed + again. + </p> + <p> + It is, however, an entire exaggeration to say that the House of Commons no + longer has a real share in the government of England. This is not so. + Anybody connected with the government values the House of Commons in a + high degree. One of the leading newspaper proprietors of London himself + told me that he has always felt that if he had the House of Commons on his + side he had a very valuable ally. Many of the labour leaders are inclined + to regard the House of Commons as of great utility, while the leading + women's organizations, now that women are admitted as members, may be said + to regard the House as one of themselves. + </p> + <p> + Looking around to find just where the natural service of the House of + Commons comes in, I am inclined to think that it must be in the practice + of "asking questions" in the House. Whenever anything goes wrong a member + rises and asks a question. He gets up, for example, with a little paper in + his hand, and asks the government if ministers are aware that the Khedive + of Egypt was seen yesterday wearing a Turkish Tarbosh. Ministers say very + humbly that they hadn't known it, and a thrill runs through the whole + country. The members can apparently ask any questions they like. In the + repeated visits which I made to the gallery of the House of Commons I was + unable to find any particular sense or meaning in the questions asked, + though no doubt they had an intimate bearing on English politics not clear + to an outsider like myself. I heard one member ask the government whether + they were aware that herrings were being imported from Hamburg to Harwich. + The government said no. Another member rose and asked the government + whether they considered Shakespere or Moliere the greater dramatic artist. + The government answered that ministers were taking this under their + earnest consideration and that a report would be submitted to Parliament. + Another member asked the government if they knew who won the Queen's Plate + this season at Toronto. They did,—in fact this member got in wrong, + as this is the very thing that the government do know. Towards the close + of the evening a member rose and asked the government if they knew what + time it was. The Speaker, however, ruled this question out of order on the + ground that it had been answered before. + </p> + <p> + The Parliament Buildings are so vast that it is not possible to state with + certainty what they do, or do not, contain. But it is generally said that + somewhere in the building is the House of Lords. When they meet they are + said to come together very quietly shortly before the dinner hour, take a + glass of dry sherry and a biscuit (they are all abstemious men), reject + whatever bills may be before them at the moment, take another dry sherry + and then adjourn for two years. + </p> + <p> + The public are no longer allowed unrestricted access to the Houses of + Parliament; its approaches are now strictly guarded by policemen. In order + to obtain admission it is necessary either to (A) communicate in writing + with the Speaker of the House, enclosing certificates of naturalization + and proof of identity, or (B) give the policeman five shillings. Method B + is the one usually adopted. On great nights, however, when the House of + Commons is sitting and is about to do something important, such as + ratifying a Home Rule Bill or cheering, or welcoming a new lady member, it + is not possible to enter by merely bribing the policeman with five + shillings; it takes a pound. The English people complain bitterly of the + rich Americans who have in this way corrupted the London public. Before + they were corrupted they would do anything for sixpence. + </p> + <p> + This peculiar vein of corruption by the Americans runs like a thread, I + may say, through all the texture of English life. Among those who have + been principally exposed to it are the servants,—especially butlers + and chauffeurs, hotel porters, bell-boys, railway porters and guards, all + taxi-drivers, pew-openers, curates, bishops, and a large part of the + peerage. + </p> + <p> + The terrible ravages that have been made by the Americans on English + morality are witnessed on every hand. Whole classes of society are + hopelessly damaged. I have it in the evidence of the English themselves + and there seems to be no doubt of the fact. Till the Americans came to + England the people were an honest, law-abiding race, respecting their + superiors and despising those below them. They had never been corrupted by + money and their employers extended to them in this regard their tenderest + solicitude. Then the Americans came. Servants ceased to be what they were; + butlers were hopelessly damaged; hotel porters became a wreck; + taxi-drivers turned out thieves; curates could no longer be trusted to + handle money; peers sold their daughters at a million dollars a piece or + three for two. In fact the whole kingdom began to deteriorate till it got + where it is now. At present after a rich American has stayed in any + English country house, its owners find that they can do nothing with the + butler; a wildness has come over the man. There is a restlessness in his + demeanour and a strange wistful look in his eye as if seeking for + something. In many cases, so I understand, after an American has stayed in + a country house the butler goes insane. He is found in his pantry counting + over the sixpence given to him by a Duke, and laughing to himself. He has + to be taken in charge by the police. With him generally go the chauffeur, + whose mind has broken down from driving a rich American twenty miles; and + the gardener, who is found tearing up raspberry bushes by the roots to see + if there is any money under them; and the local curate whose brain has + collapsed or expanded, I forget which, when a rich American gave him fifty + dollars for his soup kitchen. + </p> + <p> + There are, it is true, a few classes that have escaped this contagion, + shepherds living in the hills, drovers, sailors, fishermen and such like. + I remember the first time I went into the English country-side being + struck with the clean, honest look in the people's faces. I realised + exactly where they got it: they had never seen any Americans. I remember + speaking to an aged peasant down in Somerset. "Have you ever seen any + Americans?" "Nah," he said, "uz eeard a mowt o' 'em, zir, but uz zeen nowt + o' 'em." It was clear that the noble fellow was quite undamaged by + American contact. + </p> + <p> + Now the odd thing about this corruption is that exactly the same idea is + held on the other side of the water. It is a known fact that if a young + English Lord comes to an American town he puts it to the bad in one week. + Socially the whole place goes to pieces. Girls whose parents are in the + hardware business and who used to call their father "pop" begin to talk of + precedence and whether a Duchess Dowager goes in to dinner ahead of or + behind a countess scavenger. After the young Lord has attended two dances + and one tea-social in the Methodist Church Sunday School Building (Adults + 25 cents, children 10 cents—all welcome.) there is nothing for the + young men of the town to do except to drive him out or go further west. + </p> + <p> + One can hardly wonder then that this general corruption has extended even + to the policemen who guard the Houses of Parliament. On the other hand + this vein of corruption has not extended to English politics. Unlike ours, + English politics,—one hears it on every hand,—are pure. Ours + unfortunately are known to be not so. The difference seems to be that our + politicians will do anything for money and the English politicians won't; + they just take the money and won't do a thing for it. + </p> + <p> + Somehow there always seems to be a peculiar interest about English + political questions that we don't find elsewhere. At home in Canada our + politics turn on such things as how much money the Canadian National + Railways lose as compared with how much they could lose if they really + tried; on whether the Grain Growers of Manitoba should be allowed to + import ploughs without paying a duty or to pay a duty without importing + the ploughs. Our members at Ottawa discuss such things as highway + subsidies, dry farming, the Bank Act, and the tariff on hardware. These + things leave me absolutely cold. To be quite candid there is something + terribly plebeian about them. In short, our politics are what we call in + French "peuple." + </p> + <p> + But when one turns to England, what a striking difference! The English, + with the whole huge British Empire to fish in and the European system to + draw upon, can always dig up some kind of political topic of discussion + that has a real charm about it. One month you find English politics + turning on the Oasis of Merv and the next on the hinterland of Albania; or + a member rises in the Commons with a little bit of paper in his hand and + desires to ask the foreign secretary if he is aware that the Ahkoond of + Swat is dead. The foreign secretary states that the government have no + information other than that the Ahkoond was dead a month ago. There is a + distinct sensation in the House at the realisation that the Ahkoond has + been dead a month without the House having known that he was alive. The + sensation is conveyed to the Press and the afternoon papers appear with + large headings, THE AHKOOND OF SWAT IS DEAD. The public who have never + heard of the Ahkoond bare their heads in a moment in a pause to pray for + the Ahkoond's soul. Then the cables take up the refrain and word is + flashed all over the world, The Ahkoond of Swat is Dead. + </p> + <p> + There was a Canadian journalist and poet once who was so impressed with + the news that the Ahkoond was dead, so bowed down with regret that he had + never known the Ahkoond while alive, that he forthwith wrote a poem in + memory of The Ahkoond of Swat. I have always thought that the reason of + the wide admiration that Lannigan's verses received was not merely because + of the brilliant wit that is in them but because in a wider sense they + typify so beautifully the scope of English politics. The death of the + Ahkoond of Swat, and whether Great Britain should support as his successor + Mustalpha El Djin or Kamu Flaj,—there is something worth talking of + over an afternoon tea table. But suppose that the whole of the Manitoba + Grain Growers were to die. What could one say about it? They'd be dead, + that's all. + </p> + <p> + So it is that people all over the world turn to English politics with + interest. What more delightful than to open an atlas, find out where the + new kingdom of Hejaz is, and then violently support the British claim to a + protectorate over it. Over in America we don't understand this sort of + thing. There is naturally little chance to do so and we don't know how to + use it when it comes. I remember that when a chance did come in connection + with the great Venezuela dispute over the ownership of the jungles and + mud-flats of British Guiana, the American papers at once inserted + headings, WHERE IS THE ESSIQUIBO RIVER? That spoiled the whole thing. If + you admit that you don't know where a place is, then the bottom is knocked + out of all discussion. But if you pretend that you do, then you are all + right. Mr. Lloyd George is said to have caused great amusement at the + Versailles Conference by admitting that he hadn't known where Teschen was. + So at least it was reported in the papers; and for all I know it might + even have been true. But the fun that he raised was not really half what + could have been raised. I have it on good authority that two of the + American delegates hadn't known where Austria Proper was and thought that + Unredeemed Italy was on the East side of New York, while the Chinese + Delegate thought that the Cameroons were part of Scotland. But it is these + little geographic niceties that lend a charm to European politics that + ours lack forever. + </p> + <p> + I don't mean to say the English politics always turn on romantic places or + on small questions. They don't. They often include questions of the + largest order. But when the English introduce a really large question as + the basis of their politics they like to select one that is insoluble. + This guarantees that it will last. Take for example the rights of the + Crown as against the people. That lasted for one hundred years,—all + the seventeenth century. In Oklahoma or in Alberta they would have called + a convention on the question, settled it in two weeks and spoiled it for + further use. In the same way the Protestant Reformation was used for a + hundred years and the Reform Bill for a generation. + </p> + <p> + At the present time the genius of the English for politics has selected as + their insoluble political question the topic of the German indemnity. The + essence of the problem as I understand it may be stated as follows: + </p> + <p> + It was definitely settled by the Conference at Versailles that Germany is + to pay the Allies 3,912,486,782,421 marks. I think that is the correct + figure, though of course I am speaking only from memory. At any rate, the + correct figure is within a hundred billion marks of the above. + </p> + <p> + The sum to be paid was not reached without a great deal of discussion. + Monsieur Briand, the French Minister, is reported to have thrown out the + figure 4,281,390,687,471. But Mr. Lloyd George would not pick it up. Nor + do I blame him unless he had a basket to pick it up with. + </p> + <p> + Lloyd George's point of view was that the Germans could very properly pay + a limited amount such as 3,912,486,782,421 marks, but it was not feasible + to put on them a burden of 4,281,390,687,471 marks. + </p> + <p> + By the way, if any one at this point doubts the accuracy of the figures + just given, all he has to do is to take the amount of the indemnity as + stated in gold marks and then multiply it by the present value of the mark + and he will find to his chagrin that the figures are correct. If he is + still not satisfied I refer him to a book of Logarithms. If he is not + satisfied with that I refer him to any work on conic sections and if not + convinced even then I refer him so far that he will never come back. + </p> + <p> + The indemnity being thus fixed, the next question is as to the method of + collecting it. In the first place there is no intention of allowing the + Germans to pay in actual cash. If they do this they will merely inflate + the English beyond what is bearable. England has been inflated now for + eight years and has had enough of it. + </p> + <p> + In the second place, it is understood that it will not do to allow the + Germans to offer 4,218, 390,687,471 marks' worth of coal. It is more than + the country needs. + </p> + <p> + What is more, if the English want coal they propose to buy it in an + ordinary decent way from a Christian coal-dealer in their own country. + They do not purpose to ruin their own coal industry for the sake of + building up the prosperity of the German nation. + </p> + <p> + What I say of coal is applied with equal force to any offers of food, + grain, oil, petroleum, gas, or any other natural product. Payment in any + of these will be sternly refused. Even now it is all the British farmers + can do to live and for some it is more. Many of them are having to sell + off their motors and pianos and to send their sons to college to work. At + the same time, the German producer by depressing the mark further and + further is able to work fourteen hours a day. This argument may not be + quite correct but I take it as I find it in the London Press. Whether I + state it correctly or not, it is quite plain that the problem is + insoluble. That is all that is needed in first class politics. + </p> + <p> + A really good question like the German reparation question will go on for + a century. Undoubtedly in the year 2000 A.D., a British Chancellor of the + Exchequer will still be explaining that the government is fully resolved + that Germany shall pay to the last farthing (cheers): but that ministers + have no intention of allowing the German payment to take a form that will + undermine British industry (wild applause): that the German indemnity + shall be so paid that without weakening the power of the Germans, to buy + from us it shall increase our power of selling to them. + </p> + <p> + Such questions last forever. + </p> + <p> + On the other hand sometimes by sheer carelessness a question gets settled + and passes out of politics. This, so we are given to understand, has + happened to the Irish question. It is settled. A group of Irish delegates + and British ministers got together round a table and settled it. The + settlement has since been celebrated at a demonstration of brotherhood by + the Irish Americans of New York with only six casualties. Henceforth the + Irish question passes into history. There may be some odd fighting along + the Ulster border, or a little civil war with perhaps a little revolution + every now and then, but as a question the thing is finished. + </p> + <p> + I must say that I for one am very sorry to think that the Irish question + is gone. We shall miss it greatly. Debating societies which have + flourished on it ever since 1886 will be wrecked for want of it. Dinner + parties will now lose half the sparkle of their conversation. It will be + no longer possible to make use of such good old remarks as, "After all the + Irish are a gifted people," or, "You must remember that fifty per cent of + the great English generals were Irish." + </p> + <p> + The settlement turned out to be a very simple affair. Ireland was merely + given dominion status. What that is, no one knows, but it means that the + Irish have now got it and that they sink from the high place that they had + in the white light of publicity to the level of the Canadians or the New + Zealanders. + </p> + <p> + Whether it is quite a proper thing to settle trouble by conferring + dominion status on it, is open to question. It is a practice that is bound + to spread. It is rumoured that it is now contemplated to confer dominion + status upon the Borough of Poplar and on the Cambridge undergraduates. It + is even understood that at the recent disarmament conference England + offered to confer dominion status on the United States. President Harding + would assuredly have accepted it at once but for the protest of Mr. + Briand, who claimed that any such offer must be accompanied by a + permission to increase the French fire-brigade by fifty per cent. + </p> + <p> + It is lamentable, too, that at the very same moment when the Irish + question was extinguished, the Naval Question which had lasted for nearly + fifty years was absolutely obliterated by disarmament. Henceforth the + alarm of invasion is a thing of the past and the navy practically + needless. Beyond keeping a fleet in the North Sea and one on the + Mediterranean, and maintaining a patrol all round the rim of the Pacific + Ocean, Britain will cease to be a naval power. A mere annual expenditure + of fifty million pounds sterling will suffice for such thin pretence of + naval preparedness as a disarmed nation will have to maintain. + </p> + <p> + This thing too, came as a surprise, or at least a surprise to the general + public who are unaware of the workings of diplomacy. Those who know about + such things were fully aware of what would happen if a whole lot of + British sailors and diplomatists and journalists were exposed to the + hospitalities of Washington. The British and Americans are both alike. You + can't drive them or lead them or coerce them, but if you give them a cigar + they'll do anything. The inner history of the conference is only just + beginning to be known. But it is whispered that immediately on his arrival + Mr. Balfour was given a cigar by President Harding. Mr. Balfour at once + offered to scrap five ships, and invited the entire American cabinet into + the British Embassy, where Sir A. Geddes was rash enough to offer them + champagne. + </p> + <p> + The American delegates immediately offered to scrap ten ships. Mr. + Balfour, who simply cannot be outdone in international courtesy, saw the + ten and raised it to twenty. President Harding saw the twenty, raised it + to thirty, and sent out for more poker chips. + </p> + <p> + At the close of the play Lord Beatty, who is urbanity itself, offered to + scrap Portsmouth Dockyard, and asked if anybody present would like Canada. + President Harding replied with his customary tact that if England wanted + the Philippines, he would think it what he would term a residuum of + normalcy to give them away. There is no telling what might have happened + had not Mr. Briand interposed to say that any transfer of the Philippines + must be regarded as a signal for a twenty per cent increase in the Boy + Scouts of France. As a tactful conclusion to the matter President Harding + raised Mr. Balfour to the peerage. + </p> + <p> + As things are, disarmament coming along with the Irish settlement, leaves + English politics in a bad way. The general outlook is too peaceful + altogether. One looks round almost in vain for any of those "strained + relations" which used to be the very basis of English foreign policy. In + only one direction do I see light for English politics, and that is over + towards Czecho-Slovakia. It appears that Czecho-Slovakia owes the British + Exchequer fifty million sterling. I cannot quote the exact figure, but it + is either fifty million or fifty billion. In either case Czecho-Slovakia + is unable to pay. The announcement has just been made by M. Sgitzch, the + new treasurer, that the country is bankrupt or at least that he sees his + way to make it so in a week. + </p> + <p> + It has been at once reported in City circles that there are "strained + relations" between Great Britain and Czecho-Slovakia. Now what I advise + is, that if the relations are strained, keep them so. England has lost + nearly all the strained relations she ever had; let her cherish the few + that she still has. I know that there are other opinions. The suggestion + has been at once made for a "round table conference," at which the whole + thing can be freely discussed without formal protocols and something like + a "gentleman's agreement" reached. I say, don't do it. England is being + ruined by these round table conferences. They are sitting round in Cairo + and Calcutta and Capetown, filling all the best hotels and eating out the + substance of the taxpayer. + </p> + <p> + I am told that Lloyd George has offered to go to Czecho-Slovakia. He + should be stopped. It is said that Professor Keynes has proved that the + best way to deal with the debt of Czecho-Slovakia is to send them whatever + cash we have left, thereby turning the exchange upside down on them, and + forcing them to buy all their Christmas presents in Manchester. + </p> + <p> + It is wiser not to do anything of the sort. England should send them a + good old-fashioned ultimatum, mobilise all the naval officers at the + Embankment hotels, raise the income tax another sixpence, and defy them. + </p> + <p> + If that were done it might prove a successful first step in bringing + English politics back to the high plane of conversational interest from + which they are threatening to fall. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + V. Oxford as I See It + </h2> + <p> + MY private station being that of a university professor, I was naturally + deeply interested in the system of education in England. I was therefore + led to make a special visit to Oxford and to submit the place to a + searching scrutiny. Arriving one afternoon at four o'clock, I stayed at + the Mitre Hotel and did not leave until eleven o'clock next morning. The + whole of this time, except for one hour spent in addressing the + undergraduates, was devoted to a close and eager study of the great + university. When I add to this that I had already visited Oxford in 1907 + and spent a Sunday at All Souls with Colonel L. S. Amery, it will be seen + at once that my views on Oxford are based upon observations extending over + fourteen years. + </p> + <p> + At any rate I can at least claim that my acquaintance with the British + university is just as good a basis for reflection and judgment as that of + the numerous English critics who come to our side of the water. I have + known a famous English author to arrive at Harvard University in the + morning, have lunch with President Lowell, and then write a whole chapter + on the Excellence of Higher Education in America. I have known another one + come to Harvard, have lunch with President Lowell, and do an entire book + on the Decline of Serious Study in America. Or take the case of my own + university. I remember Mr. Rudyard Kipling coming to McGill and saying in + his address to the undergraduates at 2.30 P.M., "You have here a great + institution." But how could he have gathered this information? As far as I + know he spent the entire morning with Sir Andrew Macphail in his house + beside the campus, smoking cigarettes. When I add that he distinctly + refused to visit the Palaeontologic Museum, that he saw nothing of our new + hydraulic apparatus, or of our classes in Domestic Science, his judgment + that we had here a great institution seems a little bit superficial. I can + only put beside it, to redeem it in some measure, the hasty and ill-formed + judgment expressed by Lord Milner, "McGill is a noble university": and the + rash and indiscreet expression of the Prince of Wales, when we gave him an + LL.D. degree, "McGill has a glorious future." + </p> + <p> + To my mind these unthinking judgments about our great college do harm, and + I determined, therefore, that anything that I said about Oxford should be + the result of the actual observation and real study based upon a bona fide + residence in the Mitre Hotel. + </p> + <p> + On the strength of this basis of experience I am prepared to make the + following positive and emphatic statements. Oxford is a noble university. + It has a great past. It is at present the greatest university in the + world: and it is quite possible that it has a great future. Oxford trains + scholars of the real type better than any other place in the world. Its + methods are antiquated. It despises science. Its lectures are rotten. It + has professors who never teach and students who never learn. It has no + order, no arrangement, no system. Its curriculum is unintelligible. It has + no president. It has no state legislature to tell it how to teach, and + yet,—it gets there. Whether we like it or not, Oxford gives + something to its students, a life and a mode of thought, which in America + as yet we can emulate but not equal. + </p> + <p> + If anybody doubts this let him go and take a room at the Mitre Hotel (ten + and six for a wainscotted bedroom, period of Charles I) and study the + place for himself. + </p> + <p> + These singular results achieved at Oxford are all the more surprising when + one considers the distressing conditions under which the students work. + The lack of an adequate building fund compels them to go on working in the + same old buildings which they have had for centuries. The buildings at + Brasenose College have not been renewed since the year 1525. In New + College and Magdalen the students are still housed in the old buildings + erected in the sixteenth century. At Christ Church I was shown a kitchen + which had been built at the expense of Cardinal Wolsey in 1527. Incredible + though it may seem, they have no other place to cook in than this and are + compelled to use it to-day. On the day when I saw this kitchen, four cooks + were busy roasting an ox whole for the students' lunch: this at least is + what I presumed they were doing from the size of the fire-place used, but + it may not have been an ox; perhaps it was a cow. On a huge table, twelve + feet by six and made of slabs of wood five inches thick, two other cooks + were rolling out a game pie. I estimated it as measuring three feet + across. In this rude way, unchanged since the time of Henry VIII, the + unhappy Oxford students are fed. I could not help contrasting it with the + cosy little boarding houses on Cottage Grove Avenue where I used to eat + when I was a student at Chicago, or the charming little basement + dining-rooms of the students' boarding houses in Toronto. But then, of + course, Henry VIII never lived in Toronto. + </p> + <p> + The same lack of a building-fund necessitates the Oxford students, living + in the identical old boarding houses they had in the sixteenth and + seventeenth centuries. Technically they are called "quadrangles," "closes" + and "rooms"; but I am so broken in to the usage of my student days that I + can't help calling them boarding houses. In many of these the old stairway + has been worn down by the feet of ten generations of students: the windows + have little latticed panes: there are old names carved here and there upon + the stone, and a thick growth of ivy covers the walls. The boarding house + at St. John's College dates from 1509, the one at Christ Church from the + same period. A few hundred thousand pounds would suffice to replace these + old buildings with neat steel and brick structures like the normal school + at Schenectady, N.Y., or the Peel Street High School at Montreal. But + nothing is done. A movement was indeed attempted last autumn towards + removing the ivy from the walls, but the result was unsatisfactory and + they are putting it back. Any one could have told them beforehand that the + mere removal of the ivy would not brighten Oxford up, unless at the same + time one cleared the stones of the old inscriptions, put in steel + fire-escapes, and in fact brought the boarding houses up to date. + </p> + <p> + But Henry VIII being dead, nothing was done. Yet in spite of its + dilapidated buildings and its lack of fire-escapes, ventilation, + sanitation, and up-to-date kitchen facilities, I persist in my assertion + that I believe that Oxford, in its way, is the greatest university in the + world. I am aware that this is an extreme statement and needs explanation. + Oxford is much smaller in numbers, for example, than the State University + of Minnesota, and is much poorer. It has, or had till yesterday, fewer + students than the University of Toronto. To mention Oxford beside the + 26,000 students of Columbia University sounds ridiculous. In point of + money, the 39,000,000 dollar endowment of the University of Chicago, and + the $35,000,000 one of Columbia, and the $43,000,000 of Harvard seem to + leave Oxford nowhere. Yet the peculiar thing is that it is not nowhere. By + some queer process of its own it seems to get there every time. It was + therefore of the very greatest interest to me, as a profound scholar, to + try to investigate just how this peculiar excellence of Oxford arises. + </p> + <p> + It can hardly be due to anything in the curriculum or programme of + studies. Indeed, to any one accustomed to the best models of a university + curriculum as it flourishes in the United States and Canada, the programme + of studies is frankly quite laughable. There is less Applied Science in + the place than would be found with us in a theological college. Hardly a + single professor at Oxford would recognise a dynamo if he met it in broad + daylight. The Oxford student learns nothing of chemistry, physics, heat, + plumbing, electric wiring, gas-fitting or the use of a blow-torch. Any + American college student can run a motor car, take a gasoline engine to + pieces, fix a washer on a kitchen tap, mend a broken electric bell, and + give an expert opinion on what has gone wrong with the furnace. It is + these things indeed which stamp him as a college man, and occasion a very + pardonable pride in the minds of his parents. + </p> + <p> + But in all these things the Oxford student is the merest amateur. + </p> + <p> + This is bad enough. But after all one might say this is only the + mechanical side of education. True: but one searches in vain in the Oxford + curriculum for any adequate recognition of the higher and more cultured + studies. Strange though it seems to us on this side of the Atlantic, there + are no courses at Oxford in Housekeeping, or in Salesmanship, or in + Advertising, or on Comparative Religion, or on the influence of the Press. + There are no lectures whatever on Human Behaviour, on Altruism, on + Egotism, or on the Play of Wild Animals. Apparently, the Oxford student + does not learn these things. This cuts him off from a great deal of the + larger culture of our side of the Atlantic. "What are you studying this + year?" I once asked a fourth year student at one of our great colleges. "I + am electing Salesmanship and Religion," he answered. Here was a young man + whose training was destined inevitably to turn him into a moral business + man: either that or nothing. At Oxford Salesmanship is not taught and + Religion takes the feeble form of the New Testament. The more one looks at + these things the more amazing it becomes that Oxford can produce any + results at all. + </p> + <p> + The effect of the comparison is heightened by the peculiar position + occupied at Oxford by the professors' lectures. In the colleges of Canada + and the United States the lectures are supposed to be a really necessary + and useful part of the student's training. Again and again I have heard + the graduates of my own college assert that they had got as much, or + nearly as much, out of the lectures at college as out of athletics or the + Greek letter society or the Banjo and Mandolin Club. In short, with us the + lectures form a real part of the college life. At Oxford it is not so. The + lectures, I understand, are given and may even be taken. But they are + quite worthless and are not supposed to have anything much to do with the + development of the student's mind. "The lectures here," said a Canadian + student to me, "are punk." I appealed to another student to know if this + was so. "I don't know whether I'd call them exactly punk," he answered, + "but they're certainly rotten." Other judgments were that the lectures + were of no importance: that nobody took them: that they don't matter: that + you can take them if you like: that they do you no harm. + </p> + <p> + It appears further that the professors themselves are not keen on their + lectures. If the lectures are called for they give them; if not, the + professor's feelings are not hurt. He merely waits and rests his brain + until in some later year the students call for his lectures. There are men + at Oxford who have rested their brains this way for over thirty years: the + accumulated brain power thus dammed up is said to be colossal. + </p> + <p> + I understand that the key to this mystery is found in the operations of + the person called the tutor. It is from him, or rather with him, that the + students learn all that they know: one and all are agreed on that. Yet it + is a little odd to know just how he does it. "We go over to his rooms," + said one student, "and he just lights a pipe and talks to us." "We sit + round with him," said another, "and he simply smokes and goes over our + exercises with us." From this and other evidence I gather that what an + Oxford tutor does is to get a little group of students together and smoke + at them. Men who have been systematically smoked at for four years turn + into ripe scholars. If anybody doubts this, let him go to Oxford and he + can see the thing actually in operation. A well-smoked man speaks, and + writes English with a grace that can be acquired in no other way. + </p> + <p> + In what was said above, I seem to have been directing criticism against + the Oxford professors as such: but I have no intention of doing so. For + the Oxford professor and his whole manner of being I have nothing but a + profound respect. There is indeed the greatest difference between the + modern up-to-date American idea of a professor and the English type. But + even with us in older days, in the bygone time when such people as Henry + Wadsworth Longfellow were professors, one found the English idea; a + professor was supposed to be a venerable kind of person, with snow-white + whiskers reaching to his stomach. He was expected to moon around the + campus oblivious of the world around him. If you nodded to him he failed + to see you. Of money he knew nothing; of business, far less. He was, as + his trustees were proud to say of him, "a child." + </p> + <p> + On the other hand he contained within him a reservoir of learning of such + depth as to be practically bottomless. None of this learning was supposed + to be of any material or commercial benefit to anybody. Its use was in + saving the soul and enlarging the mind. + </p> + <p> + At the head of such a group of professors was one whose beard was even + whiter and longer, whose absence of mind was even still greater, and whose + knowledge of money, business, and practical affairs was below zero. Him + they made the president. + </p> + <p> + All this is changed in America. A university professor is now a busy, + hustling person, approximating as closely to a business man as he can do + it. It is on the business man that he models himself. He has a little + place that he calls his "office," with a typewriter machine and a + stenographer. Here he sits and dictates letters, beginning after the best + business models, "in re yours of the eighth ult., would say, etc., etc." + He writes these letters to students, to his fellow professors, to the + president, indeed to any people who will let him write to them. The number + of letters that he writes each month is duly counted and set to his + credit. If he writes enough he will get a reputation as an "executive," + and big things may happen to him. He may even be asked to step out of the + college and take a post as an "executive" in a soap company or an + advertising firm. The man, in short, is a "hustler," an "advertiser" whose + highest aim is to be a "live-wire." If he is not, he will presently be + dismissed, or, to use the business term, be "let go," by a board of + trustees who are themselves hustlers and live-wires. As to the professor's + soul, he no longer needs to think of it as it has been handed over along + with all the others to a Board of Censors. + </p> + <p> + The American professor deals with his students according to his lights. It + is his business to chase them along over a prescribed ground at a + prescribed pace like a flock of sheep. They all go humping together over + the hurdles with the professor chasing them with a set of "tests" and + "recitations," "marks" and "attendances," the whole apparatus obviously + copied from the time-clock of the business man's factory. This process is + what is called "showing results." The pace set is necessarily that of the + slowest, and thus results in what I have heard Mr. Edward Beatty describe + as the "convoy system of education." + </p> + <p> + In my own opinion, reached after fifty-two years of profound reflection, + this system contains in itself the seeds of destruction. It puts a premium + on dulness and a penalty on genius. It circumscribes that latitude of mind + which is the real spirit of learning. If we persist in it we shall + presently find that true learning will fly away from our universities and + will take rest wherever some individual and enquiring mind can mark out + its path for itself. + </p> + <p> + Now the principal reason why I am led to admire Oxford is that the place + is little touched as yet by the measuring of "results," and by this + passion for visible and provable "efficiency." The whole system at Oxford + is such as to put a premium on genius and to let mediocrity and dulness go + their way. On the dull student Oxford, after a proper lapse of time, + confers a degree which means nothing more than that he lived and breathed + at Oxford and kept out of jail. This for many students is as much as + society can expect. But for the gifted students Oxford offers great + opportunities. There is no question of his hanging back till the last + sheep has jumped over the fence. He need wait for no one. He may move + forward as fast as he likes, following the bent of his genius. If he has + in him any ability beyond that of the common herd, his tutor, interested + in his studies, will smoke at him until he kindles him into a flame. For + the tutor's soul is not harassed by herding dull students, with dismissal + hanging by a thread over his head in the class room. The American + professor has no time to be interested in a clever student. He has time to + be interested in his "deportment," his letter-writing, his executive work, + and his organising ability and his hope of promotion to a soap factory. + But with that his mind is exhausted. The student of genius merely means to + him a student who gives no trouble, who passes all his "tests," and is + present at all his "recitations." Such a student also, if he can be + trained to be a hustler and an advertiser, will undoubtedly "make good." + But beyond that the professor does not think of him. The everlasting + principle of equality has inserted itself in a place where it has no right + to be, and where inequality is the breath of life. + </p> + <p> + American or Canadian college trustees would be horrified at the notion of + professors who apparently do no work, give few or no lectures and draw + their pay merely for existing. Yet these are really the only kind of + professors worth having,—I mean, men who can be trusted with a vague + general mission in life, with a salary guaranteed at least till their + death, and a sphere of duties entrusted solely to their own consciences + and the promptings of their own desires. Such men are rare, but a single + one of them, when found, is worth ten "executives" and a dozen + "organisers." + </p> + <p> + The excellence of Oxford, then, as I see it, lies in the peculiar + vagueness of the organisation of its work. It starts from the assumption + that the professor is a really learned man whose sole interest lies in his + own sphere: and that a student, or at least the only student with whom the + university cares to reckon seriously, is a young man who desires to know. + This is an ancient mediaeval attitude long since buried in more up-to-date + places under successive strata of compulsory education, state teaching, + the democratisation of knowledge and the substitution of the shadow for + the substance, and the casket for the gem. No doubt, in newer places the + thing has got to be so. Higher education in America flourishes chiefly as + a qualification for entrance into a money-making profession, and not as a + thing in itself. But in Oxford one can still see the surviving outline of + a nobler type of structure and a higher inspiration. + </p> + <p> + I do not mean to say, however, that my judgment of Oxford is one undiluted + stream of praise. In one respect at least I think that Oxford has fallen + away from the high ideals of the Middle Ages. I refer to the fact that it + admits women students to its studies. In the Middle Ages women were + regarded with a peculiar chivalry long since lost. It was taken for + granted that their brains were too delicately poised to allow them to + learn anything. It was presumed that their minds were so exquisitely hung + that intellectual effort might disturb them. The present age has gone to + the other extreme: and this is seen nowhere more than in the crowding of + women into colleges originally designed for men. Oxford, I regret to find, + has not stood out against this change. + </p> + <p> + To a profound scholar like myself, the presence of these young women, many + of them most attractive, flittering up and down the streets of Oxford in + their caps and gowns, is very distressing. + </p> + <p> + Who is to blame for this and how they first got in I do not know. But I + understand that they first of all built a private college of their own + close to Oxford, and then edged themselves in foot by foot. If this is so + they only followed up the precedent of the recognised method in use in + America. When an American college is established, the women go and build a + college of their own overlooking the grounds. Then they put on becoming + caps and gowns and stand and look over the fence at the college athletics. + The male undergraduates, who were originally and by nature a hardy lot, + were not easily disturbed. But inevitably some of the senior trustees fell + in love with the first year girls and became convinced that coeducation + was a noble cause. American statistics show that between 1880 and 1900 the + number of trustees and senior professors who married girl undergraduates + or who wanted to do so reached a percentage of,—I forget the exact + percentage; it was either a hundred or a little over. + </p> + <p> + I don't know just what happened at Oxford but presumably something of the + sort took place. In any case the women are now all over the place. They + attend the college lectures, they row in a boat, and they perambulate the + High Street. They are even offering a serious competition against the men. + Last year they carried off the ping-pong championship and took the + chancellor's prize for needlework, while in music, cooking and millinery + the men are said to be nowhere. + </p> + <p> + There is no doubt that unless Oxford puts the women out while there is yet + time, they will overrun the whole university. What this means to the + progress of learning few can tell and those who know are afraid to say. + </p> + <p> + Cambridge University, I am glad to see, still sets its face sternly + against this innovation. I am reluctant to count any superiority in the + University of Cambridge. Having twice visited Oxford, having made the + place a subject of profound study for many hours at a time, having twice + addressed its undergraduates, and having stayed at the Mitre Hotel, I + consider myself an Oxford man. But I must admit that Cambridge has chosen + the wiser part. + </p> + <p> + Last autumn, while I was in London on my voyage of discovery, a vote was + taken at Cambridge to see if the women who have already a private college + nearby, should be admitted to the university. They were triumphantly shut + out; and as a fit and proper sign of enthusiasm the undergraduates went + over in a body and knocked down the gates of the women's college. I know + that it is a terrible thing to say that any one approved of this. All the + London papers came out with headings that read,—ARE OUR + UNDERGRADUATES TURNING INTO BABOONS? and so on. The Manchester Guardian + draped its pages in black and even the London Morning Post was afraid to + take bold ground in the matter. But I do know also that there was a great + deal of secret chuckling and jubilation in the London clubs. Nothing was + expressed openly. The men of England have been too terrorised by the women + for that. + </p> + <p> + But in safe corners of the club, out of earshot of the waiters and away + from casual strangers, little groups of elderly men chuckled quietly + together. "Knocked down their gates, eh?" said the wicked old men to one + another, and then whispered guiltily behind an uplifted hand, "Serve 'em + right." Nobody dared to say anything outside. If they had some one would + have got up and asked a question in the House of Commons. When this is + done all England falls flat upon its face. + </p> + <p> + But for my part when I heard of the Cambridge vote, I felt as Lord Chatham + did when he said in parliament, "Sir, I rejoice that America has + resisted." For I have long harboured views of my own upon the higher + education of women. In these days, however, it requires no little + hardihood to utter a single word of criticism against it. It is like + throwing half a brick through the glass roof of a conservatory. It is + bound to make trouble. Let me hasten, therefore, to say that I believe + most heartily in the higher education of women; in fact, the higher the + better. The only question to my mind is: What is "higher education" and + how do you get it? With which goes the secondary enquiry, What is a woman + and is she just the same as a man? I know that it sounds a terrible thing + to say in these days, but I don't believe she is. + </p> + <p> + Let me say also that when I speak of coeducation I speak of what I know. I + was coeducated myself some thirty-five years ago, at the very beginning of + the thing. I learned my Greek alongside of a bevy of beauty on the + opposite benches that mashed up the irregular verbs for us very badly. + Incidentally, those girls are all married long since, and all the Greek + they know now you could put under a thimble. But of that presently. + </p> + <p> + I have had further experience as well. I spent three years in the graduate + school of Chicago, where coeducational girls were as thick as autumn + leaves, and some thicker. And as a college professor at McGill University + in Montreal, I have taught mingled classes of men and women for twenty + years. + </p> + <p> + On the basis of which experience I say with assurance that the thing is a + mistake and has nothing to recommend it but its relative cheapness. Let me + emphasise this last point and have done with it. Coeducation is of course + a great economy. To teach ten men and ten women in a single class of + twenty costs only half as much as to teach two classes. Where economy must + rule, then, the thing has got to be. But where the discussion turns not on + what is cheapest, but on what is best, then the case is entirely + different. + </p> + <p> + The fundamental trouble is that men and women are different creatures, + with different minds and different aptitudes and different paths in life. + There is no need to raise here the question of which is superior and which + is inferior (though I think, the Lord help me, I know the answer to that + too). The point lies in the fact that they are different. + </p> + <p> + But the mad passion for equality has masked this obvious fact. When women + began to demand, quite rightly, a share in higher education, they took for + granted that they wanted the same curriculum as the men. They never + stopped to ask whether their aptitudes were not in various directions + higher and better than those of the men, and whether it might not be + better for their sex to cultivate the things which were best suited to + their minds. Let me be more explicit. In all that goes with physical and + mathematical science, women, on the average, are far below the standard of + men. There are, of course, exceptions. But they prove nothing. It is no + use to quote to me the case of some brilliant girl who stood first in + physics at Cornell. That's nothing. There is an elephant in the zoo that + can count up to ten, yet I refuse to reckon myself his inferior. + </p> + <p> + Tabulated results spread over years, and the actual experience of those + who teach show that in the whole domain of mathematics and physics women + are outclassed. At McGill the girls of our first year have wept over their + failures in elementary physics these twenty-five years. It is time that + some one dried their tears and took away the subject. + </p> + <p> + But, in any case, examination tests are never the whole story. To those + who know, a written examination is far from being a true criterion of + capacity. It demands too much of mere memory, imitativeness, and the + insidious willingness to absorb other people's ideas. Parrots and crows + would do admirably in examinations. Indeed, the colleges are full of them. + </p> + <p> + But take, on the other hand, all that goes with the aesthetic side of + education, with imaginative literature and the cult of beauty. Here women + are, or at least ought to be, the superiors of men. Women were in + primitive times the first story-tellers. They are still so at the cradle + side. The original college woman was the witch, with her incantations and + her prophecies and the glow of her bright imagination, and if brutal men + of duller brains had not burned it out of her, she would be incanting + still. To my thinking, we need more witches in the colleges and less + physics. + </p> + <p> + I have seen such young witches myself,—if I may keep the word: I + like it,—in colleges such as Wellesley in Massachusetts and Bryn + Mawr in Pennsylvania, where there isn't a man allowed within the three + mile limit. To my mind, they do infinitely better thus by themselves. They + are freer, less restrained. They discuss things openly in their classes; + they lift up their voices, and they speak, whereas a girl in such a place + as McGill, with men all about her, sits for four years as silent as a frog + full of shot. + </p> + <p> + But there is a deeper trouble still. The careers of the men and women who + go to college together are necessarily different, and the preparation is + all aimed at the man's career. The men are going to be lawyers, doctors, + engineers, business men, and politicians. And the women are not. + </p> + <p> + There is no use pretending about it. It may sound an awful thing to say, + but the women are going to be married. That is, and always has been, their + career; and, what is more, they know it; and even at college, while they + are studying algebra and political economy, they have their eye on it + sideways all the time. The plain fact is that, after a girl has spent four + years of her time and a great deal of her parents' money in equipping + herself for a career that she is never going to have, the wretched + creature goes and gets married, and in a few years she has forgotten which + is the hypotenuse of a right-angled triangle, and she doesn't care. She + has much better things to think of. + </p> + <p> + At this point some one will shriek: "But surely, even for marriage, isn't + it right that a girl should have a college education?" To which I hasten + to answer: most assuredly. I freely admit that a girl who knows algebra, + or once knew it, is a far more charming companion and a nobler wife and + mother than a girl who doesn't know x from y. But the point is this: Does + the higher education that fits a man to be a lawyer also fit a person to + be a wife and mother? Or, in other words, is a lawyer a wife and mother? I + say he is not. Granted that a girl is to spend four years in time and four + thousand dollars in money in going to college, why train her for a career + that she is never going to adopt? Why not give her an education that will + have a meaning and a harmony with the real life that she is to follow? + </p> + <p> + For example, suppose that during her four years every girl lucky enough to + get a higher education spent at least six months of it in the training and + discipline of a hospital as a nurse. There is more education and character + making in that than in a whole bucketful of algebra. + </p> + <p> + But no, the woman insists on snatching her share of an education designed + by Erasmus or William of Wykeham or William of Occam for the creation of + scholars and lawyers; and when later on in her home there is a sudden + sickness or accident, and the life or death of those nearest to her hangs + upon skill and knowledge and a trained fortitude in emergency, she must + needs send in all haste for a hired woman to fill the place that she + herself has never learned to occupy. + </p> + <p> + But I am not here trying to elaborate a whole curriculum. I am only trying + to indicate that higher education for the man is one thing, for the woman + another. Nor do I deny the fact that women have got to earn their living. + Their higher education must enable them to do that. They cannot all marry + on their graduation day. But that is no great matter. No scheme of + education that any one is likely to devise will fail in this respect. + </p> + <p> + The positions that they hold as teachers or civil servants they would fill + all the better if their education were fitted to their wants. + </p> + <p> + Some few, a small minority, really and truly "have a career,"—husbandless + and childless,—in which the sacrifice is great and the honour to + them, perhaps, all the higher. And others no doubt dream of a career in + which a husband and a group of blossoming children are carried as an + appendage to a busy life at the bar or on the platform. But all such are + the mere minority, so small as to make no difference to the general + argument. + </p> + <p> + But there—I have written quite enough to make plenty of trouble + except perhaps at Cambridge University. So I return with relief to my + general study of Oxford. Viewing the situation as a whole, I am led then + to the conclusion that there must be something in the life of Oxford + itself that makes for higher learning. Smoked at by his tutor, fed in + Henry VIII's kitchen, and sleeping in a tangle of ivy, the student + evidently gets something not easily obtained in America. And the more I + reflect on the matter the more I am convinced that it is the sleeping in + the ivy that does it. How different it is from student life as I remember + it! + </p> + <p> + When I was a student at the University of Toronto thirty years ago, I + lived,—from start to finish,—in seventeen different boarding + houses. As far as I am aware these houses have not, or not yet, been + marked with tablets. But they are still to be found in the vicinity of + McCaul and Darcy, and St. Patrick Streets. Any one who doubts the truth of + what I have to say may go and look at them. + </p> + <p> + I was not alone in the nomadic life that I led. There were hundreds of us + drifting about in this fashion from one melancholy habitation to another. + We lived as a rule two or three in a house, sometimes alone. We dined in + the basement. We always had beef, done up in some way after it was dead, + and there were always soda biscuits on the table. They used to have a + brand of soda biscuits in those days in the Toronto boarding houses that I + have not seen since. They were better than dog biscuits but with not so + much snap. My contemporaries will all remember them. A great many of the + leading barristers and professional men of Toronto were fed on them. + </p> + <p> + In the life we led we had practically no opportunities for association on + a large scale, no common rooms, no reading rooms, nothing. We never saw + the magazines,—personally I didn't even know the names of them. The + only interchange of ideas we ever got was by going over to the Caer Howell + Hotel on University Avenue and interchanging them there. + </p> + <p> + I mention these melancholy details not for their own sake but merely to + emphasise the point that when I speak of students' dormitories, and the + larger life which they offer, I speak of what I know. + </p> + <p> + If we had had at Toronto, when I was a student, the kind of dormitories + and dormitory life that they have at Oxford, I don't think I would ever + have graduated. I'd have been there still. The trouble is that the + universities on our Continent are only just waking up to the idea of what + a university should mean. They were, very largely, instituted and + organised with the idea that a university was a place where young men were + sent to absorb the contents of books and to listen to lectures in the + class rooms. The student was pictured as a pallid creature, burning what + was called the "midnight oil," his wan face bent over his desk. If you + wanted to do something for him you gave him a book: if you wanted to do + something really large on his behalf you gave him a whole basketful of + them. If you wanted to go still further and be a benefactor to the college + at large, you endowed a competitive scholarship and set two or more pallid + students working themselves to death to get it. + </p> + <p> + The real thing for the student is the life and environment that surrounds + him. All that he really learns he learns, in a sense, by the active + operation of his own intellect and not as the passive recipient of + lectures. And for this active operation what he really needs most is the + continued and intimate contact with his fellows. Students must live + together and eat together, talk and smoke together. Experience shows that + that is how their minds really grow. And they must live together in a + rational and comfortable way. They must eat in a big dining room or hall, + with oak beams across the ceiling, and the stained glass in the windows, + and with a shield or tablet here or there upon the wall, to remind them + between times of the men who went before them and left a name worthy of + the memory of the college. If a student is to get from his college what it + ought to give him, a college dormitory, with the life in common that it + brings, is his absolute right. A university that fails to give it to him + is cheating him. + </p> + <p> + If I were founding a university—and I say it with all the + seriousness of which I am capable—I would found first a smoking + room; then when I had a little more money in hand I would found a + dormitory; then after that, or more probably with it, a decent reading + room and a library. After that, if I still had money over that I couldn't + use, I would hire a professor and get some text books. + </p> + <p> + This chapter has sounded in the most part like a continuous eulogy of + Oxford with but little in favour of our American colleges. I turn + therefore with pleasure to the more congenial task of showing what is + wrong with Oxford and with the English university system generally, and + the aspect in which our American universities far excell the British. + </p> + <p> + The point is that Henry VIII is dead. The English are so proud of what + Henry VIII and the benefactors of earlier centuries did for the + universities that they forget the present. There is little or nothing in + England to compare with the magnificent generosity of individuals, + provinces and states, which is building up the colleges of the United + States and Canada. There used to be. But by some strange confusion of + thought the English people admire the noble gifts of Cardinal Wolsey and + Henry VIII and Queen Margaret, and do not realise that the Carnegies and + Rockefellers and the William Macdonalds are the Cardinal Wolseys of + to-day. The University of Chicago was founded upon oil. McGill University + rests largely on a basis of tobacco. In America the world of commerce and + business levies on itself a noble tribute in favour of the higher + learning. In England, with a few conspicuous exceptions, such as that at + Bristol, there is little of the sort. The feudal families are content with + what their remote ancestors have done: they do not try to emulate it in + any great degree. + </p> + <p> + In the long run this must count. Of all the various reforms that are + talked of at Oxford, and of all the imitations of American methods that + are suggested, the only one worth while, to my thinking, is to capture a + few millionaires, give them honorary degrees at a million pounds sterling + apiece, and tell them to imagine that they are Henry the Eighth. I give + Oxford warning that if this is not done the place will not last another + two centuries. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VI. The British and the American Press + </h2> + <p> + THE only paper from which a man can really get the news of the world in a + shape that he can understand is the newspaper of his own "home town." For + me, unless I can have the Montreal Gazette at my breakfast, and the + Montreal Star at my dinner, I don't really know what is happening. In the + same way I have seen a man from the south of Scotland settle down to read + the Dumfries Chronicle with a deep sigh of satisfaction: and a man from + Burlington, Vermont, pick up the Burlington Eagle and study the foreign + news in it as the only way of getting at what was really happening in + France and Germany. + </p> + <p> + The reason is, I suppose, that there are different ways of serving up the + news and we each get used to our own. Some people like the news fed to + them gently: others like it thrown at them in a bombshell: some prefer it + to be made as little of as possible; they want it minimised: others want + the maximum. + </p> + <p> + This is where the greatest difference lies between the British newspapers + and those of the United States and Canada. With us in America the great + thing is to get the news and shout it at the reader; in England they get + the news and then break it to him as gently as possible. Hence the big + headings, the bold type, and the double columns of the American paper, and + the small headings and the general air of quiet and respectability of the + English Press. + </p> + <p> + It is quite beside the question to ask which is the better. Neither is. + They are different things: that's all. The English newspaper is designed + to be read quietly, propped up against the sugar bowl of a man eating a + slow breakfast in a quiet corner of a club, or by a retired banker seated + in a leather chair nearly asleep, or by a country vicar sitting in a + wicker chair under a pergola. The American paper is for reading by a man + hanging on the straps of a clattering subway express, by a man eating at a + lunch counter, by a man standing on one leg, by a man getting a two-minute + shave, or by a man about to have his teeth drawn by a dentist. + </p> + <p> + In other words, there is a difference of atmosphere. It is not merely in + the type and the lettering, it is a difference in the way the news is + treated and the kind of words that are used. In America we love such words + as "gun-men" and "joy-ride" and "death-cell": in England they prefer + "person of doubtful character" and "motor travelling at excessive speed" + and "corridor No. 6." If a milk-waggon collides in the street with a + coal-cart, we write that a "life-waggon" has struck a "death-cart." We + call a murderer a "thug" or a "gun-man" or a "yeg-man." In England they + simply call him "the accused who is a grocer's assistant in Houndsditch." + That designation would knock any decent murder story to pieces. + </p> + <p> + Hence comes the great difference between the American "lead" or opening + sentence of the article, and the English method of commencement. In the + American paper the idea is that the reader is so busy that he must first + be offered the news in one gulp. After that if he likes it he can go on + and eat some more of it. So the opening sentence must give the whole + thing. Thus, suppose that a leading member of the United States Congress + has committed suicide. This is the way in which the American reporter + deals with it. + </p> + <p> + "Seated in his room at the Grand Hotel with his carpet slippers on his + feet and his body wrapped in a blue dressing-gown with pink insertions, + after writing a letter of farewell to his wife and emptying a bottle of + Scotch whisky in which he exonerated her from all culpability in his + death, Congressman Ahasuerus P. Tigg was found by night-watchman, Henry T. + Smith, while making his rounds as usual with four bullets in his stomach." + </p> + <p> + Now let us suppose that a leading member of the House of Commons in + England had done the same thing. Here is the way it would be written up in + a first-class London newspaper. + </p> + <p> + The heading would be HOME AND GENERAL INTELLIGENCE. That is inserted so as + to keep the reader soothed and quiet and is no doubt thought better than + the American heading BUGHOUSE CONGRESSMAN BLOWS OUT BRAINS IN HOTEL. After + the heading HOME AND GENERAL INTELLIGENCE the English paper runs the + subheading INCIDENT AT THE GRAND HOTEL. The reader still doesn't know what + happened; he isn't meant to. Then the article begins like this: + </p> + <p> + "The Grand Hotel, which is situated at the corner of Millbank and Victoria + Streets, was the scene last night of a distressing incident." + </p> + <p> + "What is it?" thinks the reader. "The hotel itself, which is an old + Georgian structure dating probably from about 1750, is a quiet + establishment, its clientele mainly drawn from business men in the + cattle-droving and distillery business from South Wales." + </p> + <p> + "What happened?" thinks the reader. + </p> + <p> + "Its cuisine has long been famous for the excellence of its boiled + shrimps." + </p> + <p> + "What happened?" + </p> + <p> + "While the hotel itself is also known as the meeting place of the Surbiton + Harmonic Society and other associations." + </p> + <p> + "What happened?" + </p> + <p> + "Among the more prominent of the guests of the hotel has been numbered + during the present Parliamentary session Mr. Llewylln Ap. Jones, M.P., for + South Llanfydd. Mr. Jones apparently came to his room last night at about + ten P.M., and put on his carpet slippers and his blue dressing gown. He + then seems to have gone to the cupboard and taken from it a whisky bottle + which however proved to be empty. The unhappy gentleman then apparently + went to bed..." + </p> + <p> + At that point the American reader probably stops reading, thinking that he + has heard it all. The unhappy man found that the bottle was empty and went + to bed: very natural: and the affair very properly called a "distressing + incident": quite right. But the trained English reader would know that + there was more to come and that the air of quiet was only assumed, and he + would read on and on until at last the tragic interest heightened, the + four shots were fired, with a good long pause after each for discussion of + the path of the bullet through Mr. Ap. Jones. + </p> + <p> + I am not saying that either the American way or the British way is the + better. They are just two different ways, that's all. But the result is + that anybody from the United States or Canada reading the English papers + gets the impression that nothing is happening: and an English reader of + our newspapers with us gets the idea that the whole place is in a tumult. + </p> + <p> + When I was in London I used always, in glancing at the morning papers, to + get a first impression that the whole world was almost asleep. There was, + for example, a heading called INDIAN INTELLIGENCE that showed, on close + examination, that two thousand Parsees had died of the blue plague, that a + powder boat had blown up at Bombay, that some one had thrown a couple of + bombs at one of the provincial governors, and that four thousand agitators + had been sentenced to twenty years hard labour each. But the whole thing + was just called "Indian Intelligence." Similarly, there was a little item + called, "Our Chinese Correspondent." That one explained ten lines down, in + very small type, that a hundred thousand Chinese had been drowned in a + flood. And there was another little item labelled "Foreign Gossip," under + which was mentioned that the Pope was dead, and that the President of + Paraguay had been assassinated. + </p> + <p> + In short, I got the impression that I was living in an easy drowsy world, + as no doubt the editor meant me to. It was only when the Montreal Star + arrived by post that I felt that the world was still revolving pretty + rapidly on its axis and that there was still something doing. + </p> + <p> + As with the world news so it is with the minor events of ordinary life,—birth, + death, marriage, accidents, crime. Let me give an illustration. Suppose + that in a suburb of London a housemaid has endeavoured to poison her + employer's family by putting a drug in the coffee. Now on our side of the + water we should write that little incident up in a way to give it life, + and put headings over it that would capture the reader's attention in a + minute. We should begin it thus: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + PRETTY PARLOR MAID + DEALS DEATH-DRINK + TO CLUBMAN'S FAMILY +</pre> + <p> + The English reader would ask at once, how do we know that the parlor maid + is pretty? We don't. But our artistic sense tells us that she ought to be. + Pretty parlor maids are the only ones we take any interest in: if an ugly + parlor maid poisoned her employer's family we should hang her. Then again, + the English reader would say, how do we know that the man is a clubman? + Have we ascertained this fact definitely, and if so, of what club or clubs + is he a member? Well, we don't know, except in so far as the thing is + self-evident. Any man who has romance enough in his life to be poisoned by + a pretty housemaid ought to be in a club. That's the place for him. In + fact, with us the word club man doesn't necessarily mean a man who belongs + to a club: it is defined as a man who is arrested in a gambling den; or + fined for speeding a motor or who shoots another person in a hotel + corridor. Therefore this man must be a club man. Having settled the + heading, we go on with the text: + </p> + <p> + "Brooding over love troubles which she has hitherto refused to divulge + under the most grilling fusillade of rapid-fire questions shot at her by + the best brains of the New York police force, Miss Mary De Forrest, a + handsome brunette thirty-six inches around the hips, employed as a parlor + maid in the residence of Mr. Spudd Bung, a well-known clubman forty-two + inches around the chest, was arrested yesterday by the flying squad of the + emergency police after having, so it is alleged, put four ounces of + alleged picrate of potash into the alleged coffee of her employer's + family's alleged breakfast at their residence on Hudson Heights in the + most fashionable quarter of the metropolis. Dr. Slink, the leading + fashionable practitioner of the neighbourhood who was immediately summoned + said that but for his own extraordinary dexterity and promptness the death + of the whole family, if not of the entire entourage, was a certainty. The + magistrate in committing Miss De Forrest for trial took occasion to + enlarge upon her youth and attractive appearance: he castigated the moving + pictures severely and said that he held them together with the public + school system and the present method of doing the hair, directly + responsible for the crimes of the kind alleged." + </p> + <p> + Now when you read this over you begin to feel that something big has + happened. Here is a man like Dr. Slink, all quivering with promptness and + dexterity. Here is an inserted picture, a photograph, a brick house in a + row marked with a cross (+) and labelled "The Bung Residence as. it + appeared immediately after the alleged outrage." It isn't really. It is + just a photograph that we use for this sort of thing and have grown to + like. It is called sometimes:—"Residence of Senator Borah" or "Scene + of the Recent Spiritualistic Manifestations" or anything of the sort. As + long as it is marked with a cross (+) the reader will look at it with + interest. + </p> + <p> + In other words we make something out of an occurrence like this. It + doesn't matter if it all fades out afterwards when it appears that Mary De + Forrest merely put ground allspice into the coffee in mistake for powdered + sugar and that the family didn't drink it anyway. The reader has already + turned to other mysteries. + </p> + <p> + But contrast the pitifully tame way in which the same event is written up + in England. Here it is: + </p> + <p> + SUBURBAN ITEM + </p> + <p> + "Yesterday at the police court of Surbiton-on-Thames Mary Forrester, a + servant in the employ of Mr. S. Bung was taken into custody on a charge of + having put a noxious preparation, possibly poison, into the coffee of her + employer's family. The young woman was remanded for a week." + </p> + <p> + Look at that. Mary Forrester a servant? + </p> + <p> + How wide was she round the chest? It doesn't say. Mr. S. Bung? Of what + club was he a member? None, apparently. Then who cares if he is poisoned? + And "the young woman!" What a way to speak of a decent girl who never did + any other harm than to poison a club man. And the English magistrate! What + a tame part he must have played: his name indeed doesn't occur at all: + apparently he didn't enlarge on the girl's good looks, or "comment on her + attractive appearance," or anything. I don't suppose that he even asked + Mary Forrester out to lunch with him. + </p> + <p> + Notice also that, according to the English way of writing the thing up, as + soon as the girl was remanded for a week the incident is closed. The + English reporter doesn't apparently know enough to follow Miss De Forrest + to her home (called "the De Forrest Residence" and marked with a cross, + +). The American reporter would make certain to supplement what went above + with further information of this fashion. "Miss De Forrest when seen later + at her own home by a representative of The Eagle said that she regretted + very much having been put to the necessity of poisoning Mr. Bung. She had + in the personal sense nothing against Mr. Bung and apart from poisoning + him she had every respect for Mr. Bung. Miss De Forrest, who talks + admirably on a variety of topics, expressed herself as warmly in favour of + the League of Nations and as a devotee of the short ballot and + proportional representation." + </p> + <p> + Any American reader who studies the English Press comes upon these wasted + opportunities every day. There are indeed certain journals of a newer type + which are doing their best to imitate us. But they don't really get it + yet. They use type up to about one inch and after that they get afraid. + </p> + <p> + I hope that in describing the spirit of the English Press I do not seem to + be writing with any personal bitterness. I admit that there might be a + certain reason for such a bias. During my stay in England I was most + anxious to appear as a contributor to some of the leading papers. This is, + with the English, a thing that always adds prestige. To be able to call + oneself a "contributor" to the Times or to Punch or the Morning Post or + the Spectator, is a high honour. I have met these "contributors" all over + the British Empire. Some, I admit, look strange. An ancient wreck in the + back bar of an Ontario tavern (ancient regime) has told me that he was a + contributor to the Times: the janitor of the building where I lived admits + that he is a contributor to Punch: a man arrested in Bristol for vagrancy + while I was in England pleaded that he was a contributor to the Spectator. + In fact, it is an honour that everybody seems to be able to get but me. + </p> + <p> + I had often tried before I went to England to contribute to the great + English newspapers. I had never succeeded. But I hoped that while in + England itself the very propinquity of the atmosphere, I mean the very + contiguity of the surroundings, would render the attempt easier. I tried + and I failed. My failure was all the more ignominious in that I had very + direct personal encouragement. "By all means," said the editor of the + London Times, "do some thing for us while you are here. Best of all, do + something in a political way; that's rather our special line." I had + already received almost an identical encouragement from the London Morning + Post, and in a more qualified way from the Manchester Guardian. In short, + success seemed easy. + </p> + <p> + I decided therefore to take some simple political event of the peculiar + kind that always makes a stir in English politics and write it up for + these English papers. To simplify matters I thought it better to use one + and the same incident and write it up in three different ways and get paid + for it three, times. All of those who write for the Press will understand + the motive at once. I waited therefore and watched the papers to see if + anything interesting might happen to the Ahkoond of Swat or the Sandjak of + Novi Bazar or any other native potentate. Within a couple of days I got + what I wanted in the following item, which I need hardly say is taken word + for word from the Press despatches: + </p> + <p> + "Perim, via Bombay. News comes by messenger that the Shriek of Kowfat who + has been living under the convention of 1898 has violated the modus + operandi. He is said to have torn off his suspenders, dipped himself in + oil and proclaimed a Jehad. The situation is critical." + </p> + <p> + Everybody who knows England knows that this is just the kind of news that + the English love. On our side of the Atlantic we should be bothered by the + fact that we did not know where Kowfat is, nor what was the convention of + 1898. They are not. They just take it for granted that Kowfat is one of + the many thousand places that they "own," somewhere in the outer darkness. + They have so many Kowfats that they cannot keep track of them. + </p> + <p> + I knew therefore that everybody would be interested in any discussion of + what was at once called "the Kowfat Crisis" and I wrote it up. I resisted + the temptation to begin after the American fashion, "Shriek sheds + suspenders," and suited the writing, as I thought, to the market I was + writing for. I wrote up the incident for the Morning Post after the + following fashion: + </p> + <p> + "The news from Kowfat affords one more instance of a painful back-down on + the part of the Government. Our policy of spineless supineness is now + reaping its inevitable reward. To us there is only one thing to be done. + If the Shriek has torn off his suspenders he must be made to put them on + again. We have always held that where the imperial prestige of this + country is concerned there is no room for hesitation. In the present + instance our prestige is at stake: the matter involves our reputation in + the eyes of the surrounding natives, the Bantu Hottentots, the Negritos, + the Dwarf Men of East Abyssinia, and the Dog Men of Darfur. What will they + think of us? If we fail in this crisis their notion of us will fall fifty + per cent. In our opinion this country cannot stand a fifty per cent drop + in the estimation of the Dog Men. The time is one that demands action. An + ultimatum should be sent at once to the Shriek of Kowfat. If he has one + already we should send him another. He should be made at once to put on + his suspenders. The oil must be scraped off him, and he must be told + plainly that if a pup like him tries to start a Jehad he will have to deal + with the British Navy. We call the Shriek a pup in no sense of belittling + him as our imperial ally but because we consider that the present is no + time for half words and we do not regard pup as half a word. Events such + as the present, rocking the Empire to its base, make one long for the + spacious days of a Salisbury or a Queen Elizabeth, or an Alfred the Great + or a Julius Caesar. We doubt whether the present Cabinet is in this + class." + </p> + <p> + Not to lose any time in the coming and going of the mail, always a serious + thought for the contributor to the Press waiting for a cheque, I sent + another editorial on the same topic to the Manchester Guardian. It ran as + follows: + </p> + <p> + "The action of the Shriek of Kowfat in proclaiming a Jehad against us is + one that amply justifies all that we have said editorially since Jeremy + Bentham died. We have always held that the only way to deal with a + Mohammedan potentate like the Shriek is to treat him like a Christian. The + Khalifate of Kowfat at present buys its whole supply of cotton piece goods + in our market and pays cash. The Shriek, who is a man of enlightenment, + has consistently upheld the principles of Free Trade. Not only are our + exports of cotton piece goods, bibles, rum, and beads constantly + increasing, but they are more than offset by our importation from Kowfat + of ivory, rubber, gold, and oil. In short, we have never seen the + principles of Free Trade better illustrated. The Shriek, it is now + reported, refuses to wear the braces presented to him by our envoy at the + time of his coronation five years ago. He is said to have thrown them into + the mud. But we have no reason to suppose that this is meant as a blow at + our prestige. It may be that after five years of use the little pulleys of + the braces no longer work properly. We have ourselves in our personal life + known instances of this, and can speak of the sense of irritation + occasioned. Even we have thrown on the floor ours. And in any case, as we + have often reminded our readers, what is prestige? If any one wants to hit + us, let him hit us right there. We regard a blow at our trade as far more + deadly than a blow at our prestige. + </p> + <p> + "The situation as we see it demands immediate reparation on our part. The + principal grievance of the Shriek arises from the existence of our fort + and garrison on the Kowfat river. Our proper policy is to knock down the + fort, and either remove the garrison or give it to the Shriek. We are + convinced that as soon as the Shriek realises that we are prepared to + treat him in the proper Christian spirit, he will at once respond with + true Mohammedan generosity. + </p> + <p> + "We have further to remember that in what we do we are being observed by + the neighbouring tribes, the Negritos, the Dwarf Men, and the Dog Men of + Darfur. These are not only shrewd observers but substantial customers. The + Dwarf Men at present buy all their cotton on the Manchester market and the + Dog Men depend on us for their soap. + </p> + <p> + "The present crisis is one in which the nation needs statesmanship and a + broad outlook upon the world. In the existing situation we need not the + duplicity of a Machiavelli, but the commanding prescience of a Gladstone + or an Alfred the Great, or a Julius Caesar. Luckily we have exactly this + type of man at the head of affairs." + </p> + <p> + After completing the above I set to work without delay on a similar + exercise for the London Times. The special excellence of the Times, as + everybody knows is its fulness of information. For generations past the + Times has commanded a peculiar minuteness of knowledge about all parts of + the Empire. It is the proud boast of this great journal that to whatever + far away, outlandish part of the Empire you may go, you will always find a + correspondent of the Times looking for something to do. It is said that + the present proprietor has laid it down as his maxim, "I don't want men + who think; I want men who know." The arrangements for thinking are made + separately. + </p> + <p> + Incidentally I may say that I had personal opportunities while I was in + England of realising that the reputation of the Times staff for the + possession of information is well founded. Dining one night with some + members of the staff, I happened to mention Saskatchewan. One of the + editors at the other end of the table looked up at the mention of the + name. "Saskatchewan," he said, "ah, yes; that's not far from Alberta, is + it?" and then turned quietly to his food again. When I remind the reader + that Saskatchewan is only half an inch from Alberta he may judge of the + nicety of the knowledge involved. Having all this in mind, I recast the + editorial and sent it to the London Times as follows: + </p> + <p> + "The news that the Sultan of Kowfat has thrown away his suspenders renders + it of interest to indicate the exact spot where he has thrown them. (See + map). Kowfat, lying as the reader knows, on the Kowfat River, occupies the + hinterland between the back end of south-west Somaliland and the east, + that is to say, the west, bank of Lake P'schu. It thus forms an enclave + between the Dog Men of Darfur and the Negritos of T'chk. The inhabitants + of Kowfat are a coloured race three quarters negroid and more than three + quarters tabloid. + </p> + <p> + "As a solution of the present difficulty, the first thing required in our + opinion is to send out a boundary commission to delineate more exactly + still just where Kowfat is. After that an ethnographical survey might be + completed." + </p> + <p> + It was a matter not only of concern but of surprise to me that not one of + the three contributions recited above was accepted by the English Press. + The Morning Post complained that my editorial was not firm enough in tone, + the Guardian that it was not humane enough, the Times that I had left out + the latitude and longitude always expected by their readers. I thought it + not worth while to bother to revise the articles as I had meantime + conceived the idea that the same material might be used in the most + delightfully amusing way as the basis of a poem far Punch. Everybody knows + the kind of verses that are contributed to Punch by Sir Owen Seaman and + Mr. Charles Graves and men of that sort. And everybody has been struck, as + I have, by the extraordinary easiness of the performance. All that one + needs is to get some odd little incident, such as the revolt of the Sultan + of Kowfat, make up an amusing title, and then string the verses together + in such a way as to make rhymes with all the odd words that come into the + narrative. In fact, the thing is ease itself. + </p> + <p> + I therefore saw a glorious chance with the Sultan of Kowfat. Indeed, I + fairly chuckled to myself when I thought what amusing rhymes could be made + with "Negritos," "modus operandi" and "Dog Men of Darfur." I can scarcely + imagine anything more excruciatingly funny than the rhymes which can be + made with them. And as for the title, bringing in the word Kowfat or some + play upon it, the thing is perfectly obvious. The idea amused me so much + that I set to work at the poem at once. + </p> + <p> + I am sorry to say that I failed to complete it. Not that I couldn't have + done so, given time; I am quite certain that if I had had about two years + I could have done it. The main structure of the poem, however, is here and + I give it for what it is worth. Even as it is it strikes me as + extraordinarily good. Here it is: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Title + + ...................... Kowfat + + Verse One + + .........................., + ............... modus operandi; + .........................., + .................., Negritos: + ....................... P'shu. + + Verse Two + + ..................... Khalifate; + ............. Dog Men of Darfur: + ....................... T'chk. +</pre> + <p> + Excellent little thing, isn't it? All it needs is the rhymes. As far as it + goes it has just exactly the ease and the sweep required. And if some one + will tell me how Owen Seaman and those people get the rest of the ease and + the sweep I'll be glad to put it in. + </p> + <p> + One further experiment of the same sort I made with the English Press in + another direction and met again with failure. If there is one paper in the + world for which I have respect and—if I may say it—an + affection, it is the London Spectator. I suppose that I am only one of + thousands and thousands of people who feel that way. Why under the + circumstances the Spectator failed to publish my letter I cannot say. I + wanted no money for it: I only wanted the honour of seeing it inserted + beside the letter written from the Rectory, Hops, Hants, or the Shrubbery, + Potts, Shrops,—I mean from one of those places where the readers of + the Spectator live. I thought too that my letter had just the right touch. + However, they wouldn't take it: something wrong with it somewhere, I + suppose. This is it: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To the Editor, + The Spectator, + London, England. + + Dear Sir, + + Your correspondence of last week contained such interesting + information in regard to the appearance of the first cowslip + in Kensington Common that I trust that I may, without + fatiguing your readers to the point of saturation, narrate + a somewhat similar and I think, sir, an equally interesting + experience of my own. While passing through Lambeth Gardens + yesterday towards the hour of dusk I observed a crow with + one leg sitting beside the duck-pond and apparently lost in + thought. There was no doubt that the bird was of the + species pulex hibiscus, an order which is becoming + singularly rare in the vicinity of the metropolis. Indeed, + so far as I am aware, the species has not been seen in + London since 1680. I may say that on recognising the bird I + drew as near as I could, keeping myself behind the + shrubbery, but the pulex hibiscus which apparently caught a + brief glimpse of my face uttered a cry of distress and flew + away. + + I am, sir, + Believe me, + yours, sir, + O.Y. Botherwithit. + (Ret'd Major Burmese Army.); +</pre> + <p> + Distressed by these repeated failures, I sank back to a lower level of + English literary work, the puzzle department. For some reason or other the + English delight in puzzles. It is, I think, a part of the peculiar + school-boy pedantry which is the reverse side of their literary genius. I + speak with a certain bitterness because in puzzle work I met with no + success whatever. My solutions were never acknowledged, never paid for, in + fact they were ignored. But I append two or three of them here, with + apologies to the editors of the Strand and other papers who should have + had the honour of publishing them first. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Puzzle I +</pre> + <p> + Can you fold a square piece of paper in such a way that with a single fold + it forms a pentagon? + </p> + <p> + My Solution: Yes, if I knew what a pentagon was. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Puzzle II +</pre> + <p> + A and B agree to hold a walking match across an open meadow, each seeking + the shortest line. A, walking from corner to corner, may be said to + diangulate the hypotenuse of the meadow. B, allowing for a slight rise in + the ground, walks on an obese tabloid. Which wins? + </p> + <p> + My Solution: Frankly, I don't know. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Puzzle III +</pre> + <p> + (With apologies to the Strand.) + </p> + <p> + A rope is passed over a pulley. It has a weight at one end and a monkey at + the other. There is the same length of rope on either side and equilibrium + is maintained. The rope weighs four ounces per foot. The age of the monkey + and the age of the monkey's mother together total four years. The weight + of the monkey is as many pounds as the monkey's mother is years old. The + monkey's mother was twice as old as the monkey was when the monkey's + mother was half as old as the monkey will be when the monkey is three + times as old as the monkey's mother was when the monkey's mother was three + times as old as the monkey. The weight of the rope with the weight at the + end was half as much again as the difference in weight between the weight + of the weight and the weight of the monkey. Now, what was the length of + the rope? + </p> + <p> + My Solution: I should think it would have to be a rope of a fairly good + length. + </p> + <p> + In only one department of English journalism have I met with a decided + measure of success; I refer to the juvenile competition department. This + is a sort of thing to which the English are especially addicted. As a + really educated nation for whom good literature begins in the home they + encourage in every way literary competitions among the young readers of + their journals. At least half a dozen of the well-known London periodicals + carry on this work. The prizes run all the way from one shilling to half a + guinea and the competitions are generally open to all children from three + to six years of age. It was here that I saw my open opportunity and seized + it. I swept in prize after prize. As "Little Agatha" I got four shillings + for the best description of Autumn in two lines, and one shilling for + guessing correctly the missing letters in BR-STOL, SH-FFIELD, and H-LL. A + lot of the competitors fell down on H-LL. I got six shillings for giving + the dates of the Norman Conquest,—1492 A.D., and the Crimean War of + 1870. In short, the thing was easy. I might say that to enter these + competitions one has to have a certificate of age from a member of the + clergy. But I know a lot of them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VII. Business in England. Wanted—More Profiteers + </h2> + <p> + It is hardly necessary to say that so shrewd an observer as I am could not + fail to be struck by the situation of business in England. Passing through + the factory towns and noticing that no smoke came from the tall chimneys + and that the doors of the factories were shut, I was led to the conclusion + that they were closed. + </p> + <p> + Observing that the streets of the industrial centres were everywhere + filled with idle men, I gathered that they were unemployed: and when I + learned that the moving picture houses were full to the doors every day + and that the concert halls, beer gardens, grand opera, and religious + concerts were crowded to suffocation, I inferred that the country was + suffering from an unparalleled depression. This diagnosis turned out to be + absolutely correct. It has been freely estimated that at the time I refer + to almost two million men were out of work. + </p> + <p> + But it does not require government statistics to prove that in England at + the present day everybody seems poor, just as in the United States + everybody, to the eye of the visitor, seems to be rich. In England nobody + seems to be able to afford anything: in the United States everybody seems + to be able to afford everything. In England nobody smokes cigars: in + America everybody does. On the English railways the first class carriages + are empty: in the United States the "reserved drawingrooms" are full. + Poverty no doubt is only a relative matter: but a man whose income used to + be 10,000 a year and is now 5,000, is living in "reduced circumstances": + he feels himself just as poor as the man whose income has been cut from + five thousand pounds to three, or from five hundred pounds to two. They + are all in the same boat. What with the lowering of dividends and the + raising of the income tax, the closing of factories, feeding the + unemployed and trying to employ the unfed, things are in a bad way. + </p> + <p> + The underlying cause is plain enough. The economic distress that the world + suffers now is the inevitable consequence of the war. Everybody knows + that. But where the people differ is in regard to what is going to happen + next, and what we must do about it. Here opinion takes a variety of forms. + Some people blame it on the German mark: by permitting their mark to fall, + the Germans, it is claimed, are taking away all the business from England; + the fall of the mark, by allowing the Germans to work harder and eat less + than the English, is threatening to drive the English out of house and + home: if the mark goes on falling still further the Germans will thereby + outdo us also in music, literature and in religion. What has got to be + done, therefore, is to force the Germans to lift the mark up again, and + make them pay up their indemnity. + </p> + <p> + Another more popular school of thought holds to an entirely contrary + opinion. The whole trouble, they say, comes from the sad collapse of + Germany. These unhappy people, having been too busy for four years in + destroying valuable property in France and Belgium to pay attention to + their home affairs, now find themselves collapsed: it is our first duty to + pick them up again. The English should therefore take all the money they + can find and give it to the Germans. By this means German trade and + industry will revive to such an extent that the port of Hamburg will be + its old bright self again and German waiters will reappear in the London + hotels. After that everything will be all right. + </p> + <p> + Speaking with all the modesty of an outsider and a transient visitor, I + give it as my opinion that the trouble is elsewhere. The danger of + industrial collapse in England does not spring from what is happening in + Germany but from what is happening in England itself. England, like most + of the other countries in the world, is suffering from the over-extension + of government and the decline of individual self-help. For six generations + industry in England and America has flourished on individual effort called + out by the prospect of individual gain. Every man acquired from his + boyhood the idea that he must look after himself. Morally, physically and + financially that was the recognised way of getting on. The desire to make + a fortune was regarded as a laudable ambition, a proper stimulus to + effort. The ugly word "profiteer" had not yet been coined. There was no + income tax to turn a man's pockets inside out and take away his savings. + The world was to the strong. + </p> + <p> + Under the stimulus of this the wheels of industry hummed. Factories + covered the land. National production grew to a colossal size and the + whole outer world seemed laid under a tribute to the great industry. As a + system it was far from perfect. It contained in itself all kinds of gross + injustices, demands that were too great, wages that were too small; in + spite of the splendour of the foreground, poverty and destitution hovered + behind the scenes. But such as it was, the system worked: and it was the + only one that we knew. + </p> + <p> + Or turn to another aspect of this same principle of self-help. The way to + acquire knowledge in the early days was to buy a tallow candle and read a + book after one's day's work, as Benjamin Franklin read or Lincoln: and + when the soul was stimulated to it, then the aspiring youth must save + money, put himself to college, live on nothing, think much, and in the + course of this starvation and effort become a learned man, with somehow a + peculiar moral fibre in him not easily reproduced to-day. For to-day the + candle is free and the college is free and the student has a "Union" like + the profiteer's club and a swimming-bath and a Drama League and a + coeducational society at his elbow for which he buys Beauty Roses at five + dollars a bunch. + </p> + <p> + Or turn if one will to the moral side. The older way of being good was by + much prayer and much effort of one's own soul. Now it is done by a Board + of Censors. There is no need to fight sin by the power of the spirit: let + the Board of Censors do it. They together with three or four kinds of + Commissioners are supposed to keep sin at arm's length and to supply a + first class legislative guarantee of righteousness. As a short cut to + morality and as a way of saving individual effort our legislatures are + turning out morality legislation by the bucketful. The legislature + regulates our drink, it begins already to guard us against the deadly + cigarette, it regulates here and there the length of our skirts, it + safeguards our amusements and in two states of the American Union it even + proposes to save us from the teaching of the Darwinian Theory of + evolution. The ancient prayer "Lead us not into temptation" is passing out + of date. The way to temptation is declared closed by Act of Parliament and + by amendment to the constitution of the United States. Yet oddly enough + the moral tone of the world fails to respond. The world is apparently more + full of thugs, hold-up men, yeg-men, bandits, motor-thieves, + porch-climbers, spotters, spies and crooked policemen than it ever was; + till it almost seems that the slow, old-fashioned method of an effort of + the individual soul may be needed still before the world is made good. + </p> + <p> + This vast new system, the system of leaning on the government, is + spreading like a blight over England and America, and everywhere we suffer + from it. Government, that in theory represents a union of effort and a + saving of force, sprawls like an octopus over the land. It has become like + a dead weight upon us. Wherever it touches industry it cripples it. It + runs railways and makes a heavy deficit: it builds ships and loses money + on them: it operates the ships and loses more money: it piles up taxes to + fill the vacuum and when it has killed employment, opens a bureau of + unemployment and issues a report on the depression of industry. + </p> + <p> + Now, the only way to restore prosperity is to give back again to the + individual the opportunity to make money, to make lots of it, and when he + has got it, to keep it. In spite of all the devastation of the war the raw + assets of our globe are hardly touched. Here and there, as in parts of + China and in England and in Belgium with about seven hundred people to the + square mile, the world is fairly well filled up. There is standing room + only. But there are vast empty spaces still. Mesopotamia alone has + millions of acres of potential wheat land with a few Arabs squatting on + it. Canada could absorb easily half a million settlers a year for a + generation to come. The most fertile part of the world, the valley of the + Amazon, is still untouched: so fertile is it that for tens of thousands of + square miles it is choked with trees, a mere tangle of life, defying all + entry. The idea of our humanity sadly walking the streets of Glasgow or + sitting mournfully fishing on the piers of the Hudson, out of work, would + be laughable if it were not for the pathos of it. + </p> + <p> + The world is out of work for the simple reason that the world has killed + the goose that laid the golden eggs of industry. By taxation, by + legislation, by popular sentiment all over the world, there has been a + disparagement of the capitalist. And all over the world capital is + frightened. It goes and hides itself in the form of an investment in a + victory bond, a thing that is only a particular name for a debt, with no + productive effort behind it and indicating only a dead weight of taxes. + There capital sits like a bull-frog hidden behind water-lilies, refusing + to budge. + </p> + <p> + Hence the way to restore prosperity is not to multiply government + departments and government expenditures, nor to appoint commissions and to + pile up debts, but to start going again the machinery of bold productive + effort. Take off all the excess profits taxes and the super-taxes on + income and as much of the income tax itself as can be done by a wholesale + dismissal of government employees and then give industry a mark to shoot + at. What is needed now is not the multiplication of government reports, + but corporate industry, the formation of land companies, development + companies, irrigation companies, any kind of corporation that will call + out private capital from its hiding places, offer employment to millions + and start the wheels moving again. If the promoters of such corporations + presently earn huge fortunes for themselves society is none the worse: and + in any case, humanity being what it is, they will hand back a vast part of + what they have acquired in return for LL.D. degrees, or bits of blue + ribbon, or companionships of the Bath, or whatever kind of glass bead fits + the fancy of the retired millionaire. + </p> + <p> + The next thing to be done, then, is to "fire" the government officials and + to bring back the profiteer. As to which officials are to be fired first + it doesn't matter much. In England people have been greatly perturbed as + to the use to be made of such instruments as the "Geddes Axe": the edge of + the axe of dismissal seems so terribly sharp. But there is no need to + worry. If the edge of the axe is too sharp, hit with the back of it. + </p> + <p> + As to the profiteer, bring him back. He is really just the same person who + a few years ago was called a Captain of Industry and an Empire Builder and + a Nation Maker. It is the times that have changed, not the man. He is + there still, just as greedy and rapacious as ever, but no greedier: and we + have just the same social need of his greed as a motive power in industry + as we ever had, and indeed a worse need than before. + </p> + <p> + We need him not only in business but in the whole setting of life, or if + not him personally, we need the eager, selfish, but reliant spirit of the + man who looks after himself and doesn't want to have a spoon-fed education + and a government job alternating with a government dole, and a set of + morals framed for him by a Board of Censors. Bring back the profiteer: + fetch him from the Riviera, from his country-place on the Hudson, or from + whatever spot to which he has withdrawn with his tin box full of victory + bonds. If need be, go and pick him out of the penitentiary, take the + stripes off him and tell him to get busy again. Show him the map of the + world and ask him to pick out a few likely spots. The trained greed of the + rascal will find them in a moment. Then write him out a concession for + coal in Asia Minor or oil in the Mackenzie Basin or for irrigation in + Mesopotamia. The ink will hardly be dry on it before the capital will + begin to flow in: it will come from all kinds of places whence the + government could never coax it and where the tax-gatherer could never find + it. Only promise that it is not going to be taxed out of existence and the + stream of capital which is being dried up in the sands of government + mismanagement will flow into the hands of private industry like a river of + gold. + </p> + <p> + And incidentally, when the profiteer has finished his work, we can always + put him back into the penitentiary if we like. But we need him just now. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VIII. Is Prohibition Coming to England? + </h2> + <p> + IN the United States and Canada the principal topic of polite conversation + is now prohibition. At every dinner party the serving of the cocktails + immediately introduces the subject: the rest of the dinner is enlivened + throughout with the discussion of rum-runners, bootleggers, storage of + liquor and the State constitution of New Jersey. Under this influence all + social and conversational values are shifted and rearranged. A "scholarly" + man no longer means a man who can talk well on literary subjects but a man + who understands the eighteenth amendment and can explain the legal + difference between implementing statutes such as the Volstead Act and the + underlying state legislation. A "scientist" (invaluable in these + conversations) is a man who can make clear the distinction between + alcoholic percentages by bulk and by weight. And a "brilliant engineer" + means a man who explains how to make homebrewed beer with a kick in it. + Similarly, a "raconteur" means a man who has a fund of amusing stories + about "bootleggers" and an "interesting traveller" means a man who has + been to Havana and can explain how wet it is. Indeed, the whole conception + of travel and of interest in foreign countries is now altered: as soon as + any one mentions that he has been in a foreign country, all the company + ask in one breath, "Is it dry?" The question "How is Samoa?" or "How is + Turkey?" or "How is British Columbia?" no longer refers to the climate or + natural resources: it means "Is the place dry?" When such a question is + asked and the answer is "It's wet," there is a deep groan all around the + table. + </p> + <p> + I understand that when the recent disarmament conference met at Washington + just as the members were going to sit down at the table Monsieur Briand + said to President Harding, "How dry is the United States, anyway?" And the + whole assembly talked about it for half an hour. That was why the first + newspaper bulletins merely said, "Conference exchanges credentials." + </p> + <p> + As a discoverer of England I therefore made it one of my chief cares to + try to obtain accurate information of this topic. I was well aware that + immediately on my return to Canada the first question I would be asked + would be "Is England going dry?" I realised that in any report I might + make to the National Geographical Society or to the Political Science + Association, the members of these bodies, being scholars, would want + accurate information about the price of whiskey, the percentage of + alcohol, and the hours of opening and closing the saloons. + </p> + <p> + My first impression on the subject was, I must say, one of severe moral + shock. Landing in England after spending the summer in Ontario, it seemed + a terrible thing to see people openly drinking on an English train. On an + Ontario train, as everybody knows, there is no way of taking a drink + except by climbing up on the roof, lying flat on one's stomach, and taking + a suck out of a flask. But in England in any dining car one actually sees + a waiter approach a person dining and say, "Beer, sir, or wine?" This is + done in broad daylight with no apparent sense of criminality or moral + shame. Appalling though it sounds, bottled ale is openly sold on the + trains at twenty-five cents a bottle and dry sherry at eighteen cents a + glass. + </p> + <p> + When I first saw this I expected to see the waiter arrested on the spot. I + looked around to see if there were any "spotters," detectives, or secret + service men on the train. I anticipated that the train conductor would + appear and throw the waiter off the car. But then I realised that I was in + England and that in the British Isles they still tolerate the consumption + of alcohol. Indeed, I doubt if they are even aware that they are + "consuming alcohol." Their impression is that they are drinking beer. + </p> + <p> + At the beginning of my discussion I will therefore preface a few exact + facts and statistics for the use of geographical societies, learned bodies + and government commissions. The quantity of beer consumed in England in a + given period is about 200,000,000 gallons. The life of a bottle of Scotch + whiskey is seven seconds. The number of public houses, or "pubs," in the + English countryside is one to every half mile. The percentage of the + working classes drinking beer is 125: the percentage of the class without + work drinking beer is 200. + </p> + <p> + Statistics like these do not, however, give a final answer to the + question, "Is prohibition coming to England?" They merely show that it is + not there now. The question itself will be answered in as many different + ways as there are different kinds of people. Any prohibitionist will tell + you that the coming of prohibition to England is as certain as the coming + eclipse of the sun. But this is always so. It is in human nature that + people are impressed by the cause they work in. I once knew a minister of + the Scotch Church who took a voyage round the world: he said that the + thing that impressed him most was the growth of presbyterianism in Japan. + No doubt it did. When the Orillia lacrosse team took their trip to + Australia, they said on their return that lacrosse was spreading all over + the world. In the same way there is said to be a spread all over the world + of Christian Science, proportional representation, militarism, peace + sentiment, barbarism, altruism, psychoanalysis and death from wood + alcohol. They are what are called world movements. + </p> + <p> + My own judgment in regard to prohibition in the British Isles is this: In + Scotland, prohibition is not coming: if anything, it is going. In Ireland, + prohibition will only be introduced when they have run out of other forms + of trouble. But in England I think that prohibition could easily come + unless the English people realise where they are drifting and turn back. + They are in the early stage of the movement already. + </p> + <p> + Turning first to Scotland, there is no fear, I say, that prohibition will + be adopted there: and this from the simple reason that the Scotch do not + drink. I have elsewhere alluded to the extraordinary misapprehension that + exists in regard to the Scotch people and their sense of humour. I find a + similar popular error in regard to the use of whiskey by the Scotch. + Because they manufacture the best whiskey in the world, the Scotch, in + popular fancy, are often thought to be addicted to the drinking of it. + This is purely a delusion. During the whole of two or three pleasant weeks + spent in lecturing in Scotland, I never on any occasion saw whiskey made + use of as a beverage. I have seen people take it, of course, as a + medicine, or as a precaution, or as a wise offset against a rather + treacherous climate; but as a beverage, never. + </p> + <p> + The manner and circumstance of their offering whiskey to a stranger amply + illustrates their point of view towards it. Thus at my first lecture in + Glasgow where I was to appear before a large and fashionable audience, the + chairman said to me in the committee room that he was afraid that there + might be a draft on the platform. Here was a serious matter. For a + lecturer who has to earn his living by his occupation, a draft on the + platform is not a thing to be disregarded. It might kill him. Nor is it + altogether safe for the chairman himself, a man already in middle life, to + be exposed to a current of cold air. In this case, therefore, the chairman + suggested that he thought it might be "prudent"—that was his word, + "prudent"—if I should take a small drop of whiskey before + encountering the draft. In return I told him that I could not think of his + accompanying me to the platform unless he would let me insist on his + taking a very reasonable precaution. Whiskey taken on these terms not only + seems like a duty but it tastes better. + </p> + <p> + In the same way I find that in Scotland it is very often necessary to take + something to drink on purely meteorological grounds. The weather simply + cannot be trusted. A man might find that on "going out into the weather" + he is overwhelmed by a heavy fog or an avalanche of snow or a driving + storm of rain. In such a case a mere drop of whiskey might save his life. + It would be folly not to take it. Again,—"coming in out of the + weather" is a thing not to be trifled with. A person coming in unprepared + and unprotected might be seized with angina pectoris or appendicitis and + die upon the spot. No reasonable person would refuse the simple precaution + of taking a small drop immediately after his entry. + </p> + <p> + I find that, classified altogether, there are seventeen reasons advanced + in Scotland for taking whiskey. They run as follows: Reason one, because + it is raining; Two, because it is not raining; Three, because you are just + going out into the weather; Four, because you have just come in from the + weather; Five; no, I forget the ones that come after that. But I remember + that reason number seventeen is "because it canna do ye any harm." On the + whole, reason seventeen is the best. + </p> + <p> + Put in other words this means that the Scotch make use of whiskey with + dignity and without shame: and they never call it alcohol. + </p> + <p> + In England the case is different. Already the English are showing the + first signs that indicate the possible approach of prohibition. Already + all over England there are weird regulations about the closing hours of + the public houses. They open and close according to the varying + regulations of the municipality. In some places they open at six in the + morning, close down for an hour from nine till ten, open then till noon, + shut for ten minutes, and so on; in some places they are open in the + morning and closed in the evening; in other places they are open in the + evening and closed in the morning. The ancient idea was that a wayside + public house was a place of sustenance and comfort, a human need that + might be wanted any hour. It was in the same class with the life boat or + the emergency ambulance. Under the old common law the innkeeper must + supply meat and drink at any hour. If he was asleep the traveller might + wake him. And in those days meat and drink were regarded in the same + light. Note how great the change is. In modern life in England there is + nothing that you dare wake up a man for except gasoline. The mere fact + that you need a drink is no longer held to entitle you to break his rest. + </p> + <p> + In London especially one feels the full force of the "closing" + regulations. The bars open and shut at intervals like daisies blinking at + the sun. And like the flowers at evening they close their petals with the + darkness. In London they have already adopted the deadly phrases of the + prohibitionist, such as "alcohol" and "liquor traffic" and so on: and + already the "sale of spirits" stops absolutely at about eleven o'clock at + night. + </p> + <p> + This means that after theatre hours London is a "city of dreadful night." + The people from the theatre scuttle to their homes. The lights are + extinguished in the windows. The streets darken. Only a belated taxi still + moves. At midnight the place is deserted. At 1 A.M., the lingering + footfalls echo in the empty street. Here and there a restaurant in a + fashionable street makes a poor pretence of keeping open for after theatre + suppers. Odd people, the shivering wrecks of theatre parties, are huddled + here and there. A gloomy waiter lays a sardine on the table. The guests + charge their glasses with Perrier Water, Lithia Water, Citrate of + Magnesia, or Bromo Seltzer. They eat the sardine and vanish into the + night. Not even Oshkosh, Wisconsin, or Middlebury, Vermont, is quieter + than is the night life of London. It may no doubt seem a wise thing to go + to bed early. + </p> + <p> + But it is a terrible thing to go to bed early by Act of Parliament. + </p> + <p> + All of which means that the people of England are not facing the + prohibition question fairly and squarely. If they see no harm in + "consuming alcohol" they ought to say so and let their code of regulations + reflect the fact. But the "closing" and "regulating" and "squeezing" of + the "liquor traffic", without any outspoken protest, means letting the + whole case go by default. Under these circumstances an organised and + active minority can always win and impose its will upon the crowd. + </p> + <p> + When I was in England I amused myself one day by writing an imaginary + picture of what England will be like when the last stage is reached and + London goes the way of New York and Chicago. I cast it in the form of a + letter from an American prohibitionist in which he describes the final + triumph of prohibition in England. With the permission of the reader I + reproduce it here: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE ADVENT OF PROHIBITION IN ENGLAND + + As written in the correspondence of an American visitor + + How glad I am that I have lived to see this wonderful reform + of prohibition at last accomplished in England. There is + something so difficult about the British, so stolid, so hard + to move. + + We tried everything in the great campaign that we made, and + for ever so long it didn't seem to work. We had processions, + just as we did at home in America, with great banners + carried round bearing the inscription: "Do you want to save + the boy?" But these people looked on and said, "Boy? Boy? + What boy?" Our workers were almost disheartened. "Oh, sir," + said one of them, an ex-barkeeper from Oklahoma, "it does + seem so hard that we have total prohibition in the States + and here they can get all the drink they want." And the good + fellow broke down and sobbed. + + But at last it has come. After the most terrific efforts we + managed to get this nation stampeded, and for more than a + month now England has been dry. I wish you could have + witnessed the scenes, just like what we saw at home in + America, when it was known that the bill had passed. The + members of the House of Lords all stood up on their seats + and yelled, "Rah! Rah! Rah! Who's bone dry? We are!" And the + brewers and innkeepers were emptying their barrels of beer + into the Thames just as at St. Louis they emptied the beer + into the Mississippi. + + I can't tell you with what pleasure I watched a group of + members of the Athenaeum Club sitting on the bank of the + Thames and opening bottles of champagne and pouring them + into the river. "To think," said one of them to me, "that + there was a time when I used to lap up a couple of quarts of + this terrible stuff every evening." I got him to give me a + few bottles as a souvenir, and I got some more souvenirs, + whiskey and liqueurs, when the members of the Beefsteak Club + were emptying out their cellars into Green Street; so when + you come over, I shall still be able, of course, to give you + a drink. + + We have, as I said, been bone dry only a month, and yet + already we are getting the same splendid results as in + America. All the big dinners are now as refined and as + elevating and the dinner speeches as long and as informal as + they are in New York or Toronto. The other night at a dinner + at the White Friars Club I heard Sir Owen Seaman speaking, + not in that light futile way that he used to have, but quite + differently. He talked for over an hour and a half on the + State ownership of the Chinese Railway System, and I almost + fancied myself back in Boston. + + And the working class too. It is just wonderful how + prohibition has increased their efficiency. In the old days + they used to drop their work the moment the hour struck. Now + they simply refuse to do so. I noticed yesterday a foreman + in charge of a building operation vainly trying to call the + bricklayers down. "Come, come, gentlemen," he shouted, "I + must insist on your stopping for the night." But they just + went on laying bricks faster than ever. + + Of course, as yet there are a few slight difficulties and + deficiencies, just as there are with us in America. We have + had the same trouble with wood-alcohol (they call it + methylated spirit here), with the same deplorable results. + On some days the list of deaths is very serious, and in some + cases we are losing men we can hardly spare. A great many of + our leading actors—in fact, most of them—are dead. And there + has been a heavy loss, too, among the literary class and in + the legal profession. + + There was a very painful scene last week at the dinner of + the Benchers of Gray's Inn. It seems that one of the chief + justices had undertaken to make home brew for the Benchers, + just as the people do on our side of the water. He got one + of the waiters to fetch him some hops and three raw + potatoes, a packet of yeast and some boiling water. In the + end, four of the Benchers were carried out dead. But they + are going to give them a public funeral in the Abbey. + + I regret to say that the death list in the Royal Navy is + very heavy. Some of the best sailors are gone, and it is + very difficult to keep admirals. But I have tried to explain + to the people here that these are merely the things that one + must expect, and that, with a little patience, they will + have bone-dry admirals and bone-dry statesmen just as good + as the wet ones. Even the clergy can be dried up with + firmness and perseverance. + + There was also a slight sensation here when the Chancellor + of the Exchequer brought in his first appropriation for + maintaining prohibition. From our point of view in America, + it was modest enough. But these people are not used to it. + The Chancellor merely asked for ten million pounds a month + to begin on; he explained that his task was heavy; he has to + police, not only the entire coast, but also the interior; + for the Grampian Hills of Scotland alone he asked a million. + There was a good deal of questioning in the House over these + figures. The Chancellor was asked if he intended to keep a + hired spy at every street corner in London. He answered, + "No, only on every other street." He added also that every + spy must wear a brass collar with his number. + + I must admit further, and I am sorry to have to tell you + this, that now we have prohibition it is becoming + increasingly difficult to get a drink. In fact, sometimes, + especially in the very early morning, it is most + inconvenient and almost impossible. The public houses being + closed, it is necessary to go into a drug store—just as it + is with us—and lean up against the counter and make a + gurgling sound like apoplexy. One often sees these apoplexy + cases lined up four deep. + + But the people are finding substitutes, just as they do with + us. There is a tremendous run on patent medicines, perfume, + glue and nitric acid. It has been found that Shears' soap + contains alcohol, and one sees people everywhere eating + cakes of it. The upper classes have taken to chewing tobacco + very considerably, and the use of opium in the House of + Lords has very greatly increased. + + But I don't want you to think that if you come over here to + see me, your private life will be in any way impaired or + curtailed. I am glad to say that I have plenty of rich + connections whose cellars are very amply stocked. The Duke + of Blank is said to have 5,000 cases of Scotch whiskey, and + I have managed to get a card of introduction to his butler. + In fact you will find that, just as with us in America, the + benefit of prohibition is intended to fall on the poorer + classes. There is no desire to interfere with the rich. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IX. "We Have With Us To-night" + </h2> + <p> + NOT only during my tour in England but for many years past it has been my + lot to speak and to lecture in all sorts of places, under all sorts of + circumstances and before all sorts of audiences. I say this, not in + boastfulness, but in sorrow. Indeed, I only mention it to establish the + fact that when I talk of lecturers and speakers, I talk of what I know. + </p> + <p> + Few people realise how arduous and how disagreeable public lecturing is. + The public sees the lecturer step out on to the platform in his little + white waistcoat and his long tailed coat and with a false air of a + conjurer about him, and they think him happy. After about ten minutes of + his talk they are tired of him. Most people tire of a lecture in ten + minutes; clever people can do it in five. Sensible people never go to + lectures at all. But the people who do go to a lecture and who get tired + of it, presently hold it as a sort of a grudge against the lecturer + personally. In reality his sufferings are worse than theirs. + </p> + <p> + For my own part I always try to appear as happy as possible while I am + lecturing. I take this to be part of the trade of anybody labelled a + humourist and paid as such. I have no sympathy whatever with the idea that + a humourist ought to be a lugubrious person with a face stamped with + melancholy. This is a cheap and elementary effect belonging to the level + of a circus clown. The image of "laughter shaking both his sides" is the + truer picture of comedy. Therefore, I say, I always try to appear cheerful + at my lectures and even to laugh at my own jokes. Oddly enough this + arouses a kind of resentment in some of the audience. "Well, I will say," + said a stern-looking woman who spoke to me after one of my lectures, "you + certainly do seem to enjoy your own fun." "Madam," I answered, "if I + didn't, who would?" But in reality the whole business of being a public + lecturer is one long variation of boredom and fatigue. So I propose to set + down here some of the many trials which the lecturer has to bear. + </p> + <p> + The first of the troubles which any one who begins giving public lectures + meets at the very outset is the fact that the audience won't come to hear + him. This happens invariably and constantly, and not through any fault or + shortcoming of the speaker. + </p> + <p> + I don't say that this happened very often to me in my tour in England. In + nearly all cases I had crowded audiences: by dividing up the money that I + received by the average number of people present to hear me I have + calculated that they paid thirteen cents each. And my lectures are + evidently worth thirteen cents. But at home in Canada I have very often + tried the fatal experiment of lecturing for nothing: and in that case the + audience simply won't come. A man will turn out at night when he knows he + is going to hear a first class thirteen cent lecture; but when the thing + is given for nothing, why go to it? + </p> + <p> + The city in which I live is overrun with little societies, clubs and + associations, always wanting to be addressed. So at least it is in + appearance. In reality the societies are composed of presidents, + secretaries and officials, who want the conspicuousness of office, and a + large list of other members who won't come to the meetings. For such an + association, the invited speaker who is to lecture for nothing prepares + his lecture on "Indo-Germanic Factors in the Current of History." If he is + a professor, he takes all the winter at it. You may drop in at his house + at any time and his wife will tell you that he is "upstairs working on his + lecture." If he comes down at all it is in carpet slippers and dressing + gown. His mental vision of his meeting is that of a huge gathering of keen + people with Indo-Germanic faces, hanging upon every word. + </p> + <p> + Then comes the fated night. There are seventeen people present. The + lecturer refuses to count them. He refers to them afterwards as "about a + hundred." To this group he reads his paper on the Indo-Germanic Factor. It + takes him two hours. When he is over the chairman invites discussion. + There is no discussion. The audience is willing to let the Indo-Germanic + factors go unchallenged. Then the chairman makes this speech. He says: + </p> + <p> + "I am very sorry indeed that we should have had such a very poor 'turn + out' to-night. I am sure that the members who were not here have missed a + real treat in the delightful paper that we have listened to. I want to + assure the lecturer that if he comes to the Owl's Club again we can + guarantee him next time a capacity audience. And will any members, please, + who haven't paid their dollar this winter, pay it either to me or to Mr. + Sibley as they pass out." + </p> + <p> + I have heard this speech (in the years when I have had to listen to it) so + many times that I know it by heart. I have made the acquaintance of the + Owl's Club under so many names that I recognise it at once. I am aware + that its members refuse to turn out in cold weather; that they do not turn + out in wet weather; that when the weather is really fine, it is impossible + to get them together; that the slightest counter-attraction,—a + hockey match, a sacred concert,—goes to their heads at once. + </p> + <p> + There was a time when I was the newly appointed occupant of a college + chair and had to address the Owl's Club. It is a penalty that all new + professors pay; and the Owls batten upon them like bats. It is one of the + compensations of age that I am free of the Owl's Club forever. But in the + days when I still had to address them, I used to take it out of the Owls + in a speech, delivered, in imagination only and not out loud, to the + assembled meeting of the seventeen Owls, after the chairman had made his + concluding remarks. It ran as follows: + </p> + <p> + "Gentlemen—if you are such, which I doubt. I realise that the paper + which I have read on 'Was Hegel a deist?' has been an error. I spent all + the winter on it and now I realise that not one of you pups know who Hegel + was or what a deist is. Never mind. It is over now, and I am glad. But + just let me say this, only this, which won't keep you a minute. Your + chairman has been good enough to say that if I come again you will get + together a capacity audience to hear me. Let me tell you that if your + society waits for its next meeting till I come to address you again, you + will wait indeed. In fact, gentlemen—I say it very frankly—it + will be in another world." + </p> + <p> + But I pass over the audience. Suppose there is a real audience, and + suppose them all duly gathered together. Then it becomes the business of + that gloomy gentleman—facetiously referred to in the newspaper + reports as the "genial chairman"—to put the lecturer to the bad. In + nine cases out of ten he can do so. Some chairmen, indeed, develop a great + gift for it. Here are one or two examples from my own experience: + </p> + <p> + "Ladies and gentlemen," said the chairman of a society in a little country + town in Western Ontario, to which I had come as a paid (a very humbly + paid) lecturer, "we have with us tonight a gentleman" (here he made an + attempt to read my name on a card, failed to read it and put the card back + in his pocket)—"a gentleman who is to lecture to us on" (here he + looked at his card again)—"on Ancient Ancient,—I don't very + well see what it is—Ancient—Britain? Thank you, on Ancient + Britain. Now, this is the first of our series of lectures for this winter. + The last series, as you all know, was not a success. In fact, we came out + at the end of the year with a deficit. So this year we are starting a new + line and trying the experiment of cheaper talent." + </p> + <p> + Here the chairman gracefully waved his hand toward me and there was a + certain amount of applause. "Before I sit down," the chairman added, "I'd + like to say that I am sorry to see such a poor turn-out to-night and to + ask any of the members who haven't paid their dollar to pay it either to + me or to Mr. Sibley as they pass out." + </p> + <p> + Let anybody who knows the discomfiture of coming out before an audience on + any terms, judge how it feels to crawl out in front of them labelled + cheaper talent. + </p> + <p> + Another charming way in which the chairman endeavours to put both the + speaker for the evening and the audience into an entirely good humour, is + by reading out letters of regret from persons unable to be present. This, + of course, is only for grand occasions when the speaker has been invited + to come under very special auspices. It was my fate, not long ago, to + "appear" (this is the correct word to use in this connection) in this + capacity when I was going about Canada trying to raise some money for the + relief of the Belgians. I travelled in great glory with a pass on the + Canadian Pacific Railway (not since extended: officials of the road kindly + note this) and was most generously entertained wherever I went. + </p> + <p> + It was, therefore, the business of the chairman at such meetings as these + to try and put a special distinction or cachet on the gathering. This is + how it was done: + </p> + <p> + "Ladies and gentlemen," said the chairman, rising from his seat on the + platform with a little bundle of papers in his hand, "before I introduce + the speaker of the evening, I have one or two items that I want to read to + you." Here he rustles his papers and there is a deep hush in the hall + while he selects one. "We had hoped to have with us to-night Sir Robert + Borden, the Prime Minister of this Dominion. I have just received a + telegram from Sir Robert in which he says that he will not be able to be + here" (great applause). The chairman puts up his hand for silence, picks + up another telegram and continues, "Our committee, ladies and gentlemen, + telegraphed an invitation to Sir Wilfrid Laurier very cordially inviting + him to be here to-night. I have here Sir Wilfrid's answer in which he says + that he will not be able to be with us" (renewed applause). The chairman + again puts up his hand for silence and goes on, picking up one paper after + another. "The Minister of Finance regrets that he will be unable to come" + (applause). "Mr. Rodolphe Lemieux (applause) will not be here (great + applause)—the Mayor of Toronto (applause) is detained on business + (wild applause)—the Anglican Bishop of the Diocese (applause)—the + Principal of the University College, Toronto (great applause)—the + Minister of Education (applause)—none of these are coming." There is + a great clapping of hands and enthusiasm, after which the meeting is + called to order with a very distinct and palpable feeling that it is one + of the most distinguished audiences ever gathered in the hall. + </p> + <p> + Here is another experience of the same period while I was pursuing the + same exalted purpose: I arrived in a little town in Eastern Ontario, and + found to my horror that I was billed to "appear" in a church. I was + supposed to give readings from my works, and my books are supposed to be + of a humorous character. A church hardly seemed the right place to get + funny in. I explained my difficulty to the pastor of the church, a very + solemn looking man. He nodded his head, slowly and gravely, as he grasped + my difficulty. "I see," he said, "I see, but I think that I can introduce + you to our people in such a way as to make that right." + </p> + <p> + When the time came, he led me up on to the pulpit platform of the church, + just beside and below the pulpit itself, with a reading desk and a big + bible and a shaded light beside it. It was a big church, and the audience, + sitting in half darkness, as is customary during a sermon, reached away + back into the gloom. The place was packed full and absolutely quiet. Then + the chairman spoke: + </p> + <p> + "Dear friends," he said, "I want you to understand that it will be all + right to laugh tonight. Let me hear you laugh heartily, laugh right out, + just as much as ever you want to, because" (and here his voice assumed the + deep sepulchral tones of the preacher),-"when we think of the noble object + for which the professor appears to-night, we may be assured that the Lord + will forgive any one who will laugh at the professor." + </p> + <p> + I am sorry to say, however, that none of the audience, even with the + plenary absolution in advance, were inclined to take a chance on it. + </p> + <p> + I recall in this same connection the chairman of a meeting at a certain + town in Vermont. He represents the type of chairman who turns up so late + at the meeting that the committee have no time to explain to him properly + what the meeting is about or who the speaker is. I noticed on this + occasion that he introduced me very guardedly by name (from a little card) + and said nothing about the Belgians, and nothing about my being (supposed + to be) a humourist. This last was a great error. The audience, for want of + guidance, remained very silent and decorous, and well behaved during my + talk. Then, somehow, at the end, while some one was moving a vote of + thanks, the chairman discovered his error. So he tried to make it good. + Just as the audience were getting up to put on their wraps, he rose, + knocked on his desk and said: + </p> + <p> + "Just a minute, please, ladies and gentlemen, just a minute. I have just + found out—I should have known it sooner, but I was late in coming to + this meeting—that the speaker who has just addressed you has done so + in behalf of the Belgian Relief Fund. I understand that he is a well-known + Canadian humourist (ha! ha!) and I am sure that we have all been immensely + amused (ha! ha!). He is giving his delightful talks (ha! ha!)—though + I didn't know this till just this minute—for the Belgian Relief + Fund, and he is giving his services for nothing. I am sure when we realise + this, we shall all feel that it has been well worth while to come. I am + only sorry that we didn't have a better turn out to-night. But I can + assure the speaker that if he will come again, we shall guarantee him a + capacity audience. And I may say, that if there are any members of this + association who have not paid their dollar this season, they can give it + either to myself or to Mr. Sibley as they pass out." + </p> + <p> + With the amount of accumulated experience that I had behind me I was + naturally interested during my lecture in England in the chairmen who were + to introduce me. I cannot help but feel that I have acquired a fine taste + in chair men. I know them just as other experts know old furniture and + Pekinese dogs. The witty chairman, the prosy chairman, the solemn + chairman,—I know them all. As soon as I shake hands with the + chairman in the Committee room I can tell exactly how he will act. + </p> + <p> + There are certain types of chairmen who have so often been described and + are so familiar that it is not worth while to linger on them. Everybody + knows the chairman who says; "Now, ladies and gentlemen, you have not come + here to listen to me. So I will be very brief; in fact, I will confine my + remarks to just one or two very short observations." He then proceeds to + make observations for twenty-five minutes. At the end of it he remarks + with charming simplicity, "Now I know that you are all impatient to hear + the lecturer...." + </p> + <p> + And everybody knows the chairman who comes to the meeting with a very + imperfect knowledge of who or what the lecturer is, and is driven to + introduce him by saying: + </p> + <p> + "Our lecturer of the evening is widely recognised as one of the greatest + authorities on; on,—on his subject in the world to-day. He comes to + us from; from a great distance and I can assure him that it is a great + pleasure to this audience to welcome a man who has done so much to,—to,—to + advance the interests of,—of; of everything as he has." + </p> + <p> + But this man, bad as he is, is not so bad as the chairman whose + preparation for introducing the speaker has obviously been made at the + eleventh hour. Just such a chairman it was my fate to strike in the form + of a local alderman, built like an ox, in one of those small manufacturing + places in the north of England where they grow men of this type and elect + them into office. + </p> + <p> + "I never saw the lecturer before," he said, "but I've read his book." (I + have written nineteen books.) "The committee was good enough to send me + over his book last night. I didn't read it all but I took a look at the + preface and I can assure him that he is very welcome. I understand he + comes from a college...." Then he turned directly towards me and said in a + loud voice, "What was the name of that college over there you said you + came from?" + </p> + <p> + "McGill," I answered equally loudly. + </p> + <p> + "He comes from McGill," the chairman boomed out. "I never heard of McGill + myself but I can assure him he's welcome. He's going to lecture to us on,—what + did you say it was to be about?" + </p> + <p> + "It's a humorous lecture," I said. + </p> + <p> + "Ay, it's to be a humorous lecture, ladies and gentlemen, and I'll venture + to say it will be a rare treat. I'm only sorry I can't stay for it myself + as I have to get back over to the Town Hall for a meeting. So without more + ado I'll get off the platform and let the lecturer go on with his humour." + </p> + <p> + A still more terrible type of chairman is one whose mind is evidently + preoccupied and disturbed with some local happening and who comes on to + the platform with a face imprinted with distress. Before introducing the + lecturer he refers in moving tones to the local sorrow, whatever it is. As + a prelude to a humorous lecture this is not gay. + </p> + <p> + Such a chairman fell to my lot one night before a gloomy audience in a + London suburb. "As I look about this hall to-night," he began in a doleful + whine, "I see many empty seats." Here he stifled a sob. "Nor am I + surprised that a great many of our people should prefer to-night to stay + quietly at home—" + </p> + <p> + I had no clue to what he meant. I merely gathered that some particular + sorrow must have overwhelmed the town that day. + </p> + <p> + "To many it may seem hardly fitting that after the loss our town has + sustained we should come out here to listen to a humorous lecture,—", + "What's the trouble?" I whispered to a citizen sitting beside me on the + platform. + </p> + <p> + "Our oldest resident"—he whispered back—"he died this + morning." + </p> + <p> + "How old?" + </p> + <p> + "Ninety-four," he whispered. + </p> + <p> + Meantime the chairman, with deep sobs in his voice, continued: + </p> + <p> + "We debated in our committee whether or not we should have the lecture. + Had it been a lecture of another character our position would have been + less difficult,—", By this time I began to feel like a criminal. + "The case would have been different had the lecture been one that + contained information, or that was inspired by some serious purpose, or + that could have been of any benefit. But this is not so. We understand + that this lecture which Mr. Leacock has already given, I believe, twenty + or thirty times in England,—" + </p> + <p> + Here he turned to me with a look of mild reproval while the silent + audience, deeply moved, all looked at me as at a man who went around the + country insulting the memory of the dead by giving a lecture thirty times. + </p> + <p> + "We understand, though this we shall have an opportunity of testing for + ourselves presently, that Mr. Leacock's lecture is not of a character + which,—has not, so to speak, the kind of value, in short, is not a + lecture of that class." + </p> + <p> + Here he paused and choked back a sob. + </p> + <p> + "Had our poor friend been spared to us for another six years he would have + rounded out the century. But it was not to be. For two or three years past + he has noted that somehow his strength was failing, that, for some reason + or other, he was no longer what he had been. Last month he began to droop. + Last week he began to sink. Speech left him last Tuesday. This morning he + passed, and he has gone now, we trust, in safety to where there are no + lectures." + </p> + <p> + The audience were now nearly in tears. + </p> + <p> + The chairman made a visible effort towards firmness and control. + </p> + <p> + "But yet," he continued, "our committee felt that in another sense it was + our duty to go on with our arrangements. I think, ladies and gentlemen, + that the war has taught us all that it is always our duty to 'carry on,' + no matter how hard it may be, no matter with what reluctance we do it, and + whatever be the difficulties and the dangers, we must carry on to the end: + for after all there is an end and by resolution and patience we can reach + it. + </p> + <p> + "I will, therefore, invite Mr. Leacock to deliver to us his humorous + lecture, the title of which I have forgotten, but I understand it to be + the same lecture which he has already given thirty or forty times in + England." + </p> + <p> + But contrast with this melancholy man the genial and pleasing person who + introduced me, all upside down, to a metropolitan audience. + </p> + <p> + He was so brisk, so neat, so sure of himself that it didn't seem possible + that he could make any kind of a mistake. I thought it unnecessary to + coach him. He seemed absolutely all right. + </p> + <p> + "It is a great pleasure,"—he said, with a charming, easy appearance + of being entirely at home on the platform,—"to welcome here tonight + our distinguished Canadian fellow citizen, Mr. Learoyd"—he turned + half way towards me as he spoke with a sort of gesture of welcome, + admirably executed. If only my name had been Learoyd instead of Leacock it + would have been excellent. + </p> + <p> + "There are many of us," he continued, "who have awaited Mr. Learoyd's + coming with the most pleasant anticipations. We seemed from his books to + know him already as an old friend. In fact I think I do not exaggerate + when I tell Mr. Learoyd that his name in our city has long been a + household word. I have very, very great pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, in + introducing to you Mr. Learoyd." + </p> + <p> + As far as I know that chairman never knew his error. At the close of my + lecture he said that he was sure that the audience "were deeply indebted + to Mr. Learoyd," and then with a few words of rapid, genial apology buzzed + off, like a humming bird, to other avocations. But I have amply forgiven + him: anything for kindness and geniality; it makes the whole of life + smooth. If that chairman ever comes to my home town he is hereby invited + to lunch or dine with me, as Mr. Learoyd or under any name that he + selects. + </p> + <p> + Such a man is, after all, in sharp contrast to the kind of chairman who + has no native sense of the geniality that ought to accompany his office. + There is, for example, a type of man who thinks that the fitting way to + introduce a lecturer is to say a few words about the finances of the + society to which he is to lecture (for money) and about the difficulty of + getting members to turn out to hear lectures. + </p> + <p> + Everybody has heard such a speech a dozen times. But it is the paid + lecturer sitting on the platform who best appreciates it. It runs like + this: + </p> + <p> + "Now, ladies and gentlemen, before I invite the lecturer of the evening to + address us there are a few words that I would like to say. There are a + good many members who are in arrears with their fees. I am aware that + these are hard times and it is difficult to collect money but at the same + time the members ought to remember that the expenses of the society are + very heavy. The fees that are asked by the lecturers, as I suppose you + know, have advanced very greatly in the last few years. In fact I may say + that they are becoming almost prohibitive." + </p> + <p> + This discourse is pleasant hearing for the lecturer. He can see the + members who have not yet paid their annual dues eyeing him with hatred. + The chairman goes on: + </p> + <p> + "Our finance committee were afraid at first that we could not afford to + bring Mr. Leacock to our society. But fortunately through the personal + generosity of two of our members who subscribed ten pounds each out of + their own pocket we are able to raise the required sum." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + (Applause: during which the lecturer sits looking and feeling + like the embodiment of the "required sum.") +</pre> + <p> + "Now, ladies and gentlemen," continues the chairman, "what I feel is that + when we have members in the society who are willing to make this + sacrifice,—because it is a sacrifice, ladies and gentlemen,—we + ought to support them in every way. The members ought to think it their + duty to turn out to the lectures. I know that it is not an easy thing to + do. On a cold night, like this evening, it is hard, I admit it is hard, to + turn out from the comfort of one's own fireside and come and listen to a + lecture. But I think that the members should look at it not as a matter of + personal comfort but as a matter of duty towards this society. We have + managed to keep this society alive for fifteen years and, though I don't + say it in any spirit of boasting, it has not been an easy thing to do. It + has required a good deal of pretty hard spade work by the committee. Well, + ladies and gentlemen, I suppose you didn't come here to listen to me and + perhaps I have said enough about our difficulties and troubles. So without + more ado (this is always a favourite phrase with chairmen) I'll invite Mr. + Leacock to address the society; oh, just a word before I sit down. Will + all those who are leaving before the end of the lecture kindly go out + through the side door and step as quietly as possible? Mr. Leacock." + </p> + <p> + Anybody who is in the lecture business knows that that introduction is far + worse than being called Mr. Learoyd. + </p> + <p> + When any lecturer goes across to England from this side of the water there + is naturally a tendency on the part of the chairman to play upon this + fact. This is especially true in the case of a Canadian like myself. The + chairman feels that the moment is fitting for one of those great imperial + thoughts that bind the British Empire together. But sometimes the + expression of the thought falls short of the full glory of the conception. + </p> + <p> + Witness this (word for word) introduction that was used against me by a + clerical chairman in a quiet spot in the south of England: + </p> + <p> + "Not so long ago, ladies and gentlemen," said the vicar, "we used to send + out to Canada various classes of our community to help build up that + country. We sent out our labourers, we sent out our scholars and + professors. Indeed we even sent out our criminals. And now," with a wave + of his hand towards me, "they are coming back." + </p> + <p> + There was no laughter. An English audience is nothing if not literal; and + they are as polite as they are literal. They understood that I was a + reformed criminal and as such they gave me a hearty burst of applause. + </p> + <p> + But there is just one thing that I would like to chronicle here in favour + of the chairman and in gratitude for his assistance. Even at his worst he + is far better than having no chairman at all. Over in England a great many + societies and public bodies have adopted the plan of "cutting out the + chairman." Wearying of his faults, they have forgotten the reasons for his + existence and undertaken to do without him. + </p> + <p> + The result is ghastly. The lecturer steps up on to the platform alone and + unaccompanied. There is a feeble ripple of applause; he makes his + miserable bow and explains with as much enthusiasm as he can who he is. + The atmosphere of the thing is so cold that an 'Arctic expedition isn't in + it with it. I found also the further difficulty that in the absence of the + chairman very often the audience, or a large part of it, doesn't know who + the lecturer is. On many occasions I received on appearing a wild burst of + applause under the impression that I was somebody else. I have been + mistaken in this way for Mr. Briand, then Prime Minister of France, for + Charlie Chaplin, for Mrs. Asquith,—but stop, I may get into a libel + suit. All I mean is that without a chairman "we celebrities" get terribly + mixed up together. + </p> + <p> + To one experience of my tour as a lecturer I shall always be able to look + back with satisfaction. I nearly had the pleasure of killing a man with + laughing: and this in the most literal sense. American lecturers have + often dreamed of doing this. I nearly did it. The man in question was a + comfortable apoplectic-looking man with the kind of merry rubicund face + that is seen in countries where they don't have prohibition. He was seated + near the back of the hall and was laughing uproariously. All of a sudden I + realised that something was happening. The man had collapsed sideways on + to the floor; a little group of men gathered about him; they lifted him up + and I could see them carrying him out, a silent and inert mass. As in duty + bound I went right on with my lecture. But my heart beat high with + satisfaction. I was sure that I had killed him. The reader may judge how + high these hopes rose when a moment or two later a note was handed to the + chairman who then asked me to pause for a moment in my lecture and stood + up and asked, "Is there a doctor in the audience?" A doctor rose and + silently went out. The lecture continued; but there was no more laughter; + my aim had now become to kill another of them and they knew it. They were + aware that if they started laughing they might die. In a few minutes a + second note was handed to the chairman. He announced very gravely, "A + second doctor is wanted." The lecture went on in deeper silence than ever. + All the audience were waiting for a third announcement. It came. A new + message was handed to the chairman. He rose and said, "If Mr. Murchison, + the undertaker, is in the audience, will he kindly step outside." + </p> + <p> + That man, I regret to say, got well. + </p> + <p> + Disappointing though it is to read it, he recovered. I sent back next + morning from London a telegram of enquiry (I did it in reality so as to + have a proper proof of his death) and received the answer, "Patient doing + well; is sitting up in bed and reading Lord Haldane's Relativity; no + danger of relapse." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + X. Have the English any Sense of Humour? + </h2> + <p> + It was understood that the main object of my trip to England was to find + out whether the British people have any sense of humour. No doubt the + Geographical Society had this investigation in mind in not paying my + expenses. Certainly on my return I was at once assailed with the question + on all sides, "Have they got a sense of humour? Even if it is only a + rudimentary sense, have they got it or have they not?" I propose therefore + to address myself to the answer to this question. + </p> + <p> + A peculiar interest always attaches to humour. There is no quality of the + human mind about which its possessor is more sensitive than the sense of + humour. A man will freely confess that he has no ear for music, or no + taste for fiction, or even no interest in religion. But I have yet to see + the man who announces that he has no sense of humour. In point of fact, + every man is apt to think himself possessed of an exceptional gift in this + direction, and that even if his humour does not express itself in the + power either to make a joke or to laugh at one, it none the less consists + in a peculiar insight or inner light superior to that of other people. + </p> + <p> + The same thing is true of nations. Each thinks its own humour of an + entirely superior kind, and either refuses to admit, or admits + reluctantly, the humorous quality of other peoples. The Englishman may + credit the Frenchman with a certain light effervescence of mind which he + neither emulates nor envies; the Frenchman may acknowledge that English + literature shows here and there a sort of heavy playfulness; but neither + of them would consider that the humour of the other nation could stand a + moment's comparison with his own. + </p> + <p> + Yet, oddly enough, American humour stands as a conspicuous exception to + this general rule. A certain vogue clings to it. Ever since the spacious + days of Artemus Ward and Mark Twain it has enjoyed an extraordinary + reputation, and this not only on our own continent, but in England. It was + in a sense the English who "discovered" Mark Twain; I mean it was they who + first clearly recognised him as a man of letters of the foremost rank, at + a time when academic Boston still tried to explain him away as a mere + comic man of the West. In the same way Artemus Ward is still held in + affectionate remembrance in London, and, of the later generation, Mr. + Dooley at least is a household word. + </p> + <p> + This is so much the case that a sort of legend has grown around American + humour. It is presumed to be a superior article and to enjoy the same kind + of pre-eminence as French cooking, the Russian ballet, and Italian organ + grinding. With this goes the converse supposition that the British people + are inferior in humour, that a joke reaches them only with great + difficulty, and that a British audience listens to humour in gloomy and + unintelligent silence. People still love to repeat the famous story of how + John Bright listened attentively to Artemus Ward's lecture in London and + then said, gravely, that he "doubted many of the young man's statements"; + and readers still remember Mark Twain's famous parody of the discussion of + his book by a wooden-headed reviewer of an English review. + </p> + <p> + But the legend in reality is only a legend. If the English are inferior to + Americans in humour, I, for one, am at a loss to see where it comes in. If + there is anything on our continent superior in humour to Punch I should + like to see it. If we have any more humorous writers in our midst than E. + V. Lucas and Charles Graves and Owen Seaman I should like to read what + they write; and if there is any audience capable of more laughter and more + generous appreciation than an audience in London, or Bristol, or Aberdeen, + I should like to lecture to it. + </p> + <p> + During my voyage of discovery in Great Britain I had very exceptional + opportunities for testing the truth of these comparisons. It was my good + fortune to appear as an avowed humourist in all the great British cities. + I lectured as far north as Aberdeen and as far south as Brighton and + Bournemouth; I travelled eastward to Ipswich and westward into Wales. I + spoke on serious subjects, but with a joke or two in loco, at the + universities, at business gatherings, and at London dinners; I watched, + lost in admiration, the inspired merriment of the Savages of Adelphi + Terrace, and in my moments of leisure I observed, with a scientific eye, + the gaieties of the London revues. As a result of which I say with + conviction that, speaking by and large, the two communities are on the + same level. A Harvard audience, as I have reason gratefully to + acknowledge, is wonderful. But an Oxford audience is just as good. A + gathering of business men in a textile town in the Midlands is just as + heavy as a gathering of business men in Decatur, Indiana, but no heavier; + and an audience of English schoolboys as at Rugby or at Clifton is capable + of a wild and sustained merriment not to be outdone from Halifax to Los + Angeles. + </p> + <p> + There is, however, one vital difference between American and English + audiences which would be apt to discourage at the outset any American + lecturer who might go to England. The English audiences, from the nature + of the way in which they have been brought together, expect more. In + England they still associate lectures with information. We don't. Our + American lecture audiences are, in nine cases out of ten, organised by a + woman's club of some kind and drawn not from the working class, but from—what + shall we call it?—the class that doesn't have to work, or, at any + rate, not too hard. It is largely a social audience, well educated without + being "highbrow," and tolerant and kindly to a degree. In fact, what the + people mainly want is to see the lecturer. They have heard all about G. K. + Chesterton and Hugh Walpole and John Drinkwater, and so when these + gentlemen come to town the woman's club want to have a look at them, just + as the English people, who are all crazy about animals, flock to the zoo + to look at a new giraffe. They don't expect the giraffe to do anything in + particular. They want to see it, that's all. So with the American woman's + club audience. After they have seen Mr. Chesterton they ask one another as + they come out—just as an incidental matter—"Did you understand + his lecture?" and the answer is, "I can't say I did." But there is no + malice about it. They can now go and say that they have seen Mr. + Chesterton; that's worth two dollars in itself. The nearest thing to this + attitude of mind that I heard of in England was at the City Temple in + London, where they have every week a huge gathering of about two thousand + people, to listen to a (so-called) popular lecture. When I was there I was + told that the person who had preceded me was Lord Haldane, who had + lectured on Einstein's Theory of Relativity. I said to the chairman, + "Surely this kind of audience couldn't understand a lecture like that!" He + shook his head. "No," he said, "they didn't understand it, but they all + enjoyed it." + </p> + <p> + I don't mean to imply by what I said above that American lecture audiences + do not appreciate good things or that the English lecturers who come to + this continent are all giraffes. On the contrary: when the audience finds + that Chesterton and Walpole and Drinkwater, in addition to being visible, + are also singularly interesting lecturers, they are all the better + pleased. But this doesn't alter the fact that they have come primarily to + see the lecturer. + </p> + <p> + Not so in England. Here a lecture (outside London) is organised on a much + sterner footing. The people are there for information. The lecture is + organised not by idle, amiable, charming women, but by a body called, with + variations, the Philosophical Society. From experience I should define an + English Philosophical Society as all the people in town who don't know + anything about philosophy. The academic and university classes are never + there. The audience is only of plainer folk. In the United States and + Canada at any evening lecture a large sprinkling of the audience are in + evening dress. At an English lecture (outside of London) none of them are; + philosophy is not to be wooed in such a garb. Nor are there the same + commodious premises, the same bright lights, and the same atmosphere of + gaiety as at a society lecture in America. On the contrary, the setting is + a gloomy one. In England, in winter, night begins at four in the + afternoon. In the manufacturing towns of the Midlands and the north (which + is where the philosophical societies flourish) there is always a drizzling + rain and wet slop underfoot, a bedraggled poverty in the streets, and a + dimness of lights that contrasts with the glare of light in an American + town. There is no visible sign in the town that a lecture is to happen, no + placards, no advertisements, nothing. The lecturer is conducted by a + chairman through a side door in a dingy building (The Institute, + established 1840), and then all of a sudden in a huge, dim hall—there + sits the Philosophical Society. There are a thousand of them, but they sit + as quiet as a prayer meeting. They are waiting to be fed—on + information. + </p> + <p> + Now I don't mean to say that the Philosophical Society are not a good + audience. In their own way they're all right. Once the Philosophical + Society has decided that a lecture is humorous they do not stint their + laughter. I have had many times the satisfaction of seeing a Philosophical + Society swept away from its moorings and tossing in a sea of laughter, as + generous and as whole-hearted as anything we ever see in America. + </p> + <p> + But they are not so willing to begin. With us the chairman has only to say + to the gaily dressed members of the Ladies' Fortnightly Club, "Well, + ladies, I'm sure we are all looking forward very much to Mr. Walpole's + lecture," and at once there is a ripple of applause, and a responsive + expression on a hundred charming faces. + </p> + <p> + Not so the Philosophical Society of the Midlands. The chairman rises. He + doesn't call for silence. It is there, thick. "We have with us to-night," + he says, "a man whose name is well known to the Philosophical Society" + (here he looks at his card), "Mr. Stephen Leacock." (Complete silence.) + "He is a professor of political economy at—" Here he turns to me and + says, "Which college did you say?" I answer quite audibly in the silence, + "At McGill." "He is at McGill," says the chairman. (More silence.) "I + don't suppose, however, ladies and gentlemen, that he's come here to talk + about political economy." This is meant as a jest, but the audience takes + it as a threat. "However, ladies and gentlemen, you haven't come here to + listen to me" (this evokes applause, the first of the evening), "so + without more ado" (the man always has the impression that there's been a + lot of "ado," but I never see any of it) "I'll now introduce Mr. Leacock." + (Complete silence.) + </p> + <p> + Nothing of which means the least harm. It only implies that the + Philosophical Society are true philosophers in accepting nothing unproved. + They are like the man from Missouri. They want to be shown. And + undoubtedly it takes a little time, therefore, to rouse them. I remember + listening with great interest to Sir Michael Sadler, who is possessed of a + very neat wit, introducing me at Leeds. He threw three jokes, one after + the other, into the heart of a huge, silent audience without effect. He + might as well have thrown soap bubbles. But the fourth joke broke fair and + square like a bomb in the middle of the Philosophical Society and exploded + them into convulsions. The process is very like what artillery men tell of + "bracketing" the object fired at, and then landing fairly on it. + </p> + <p> + In what I have just written about audiences I have purposely been using + the word English and not British, for it does not in the least apply to + the Scotch. There is, for a humorous lecturer, no better audience in the + world than a Scotch audience. The old standing joke about the Scotch sense + of humour is mere nonsense. Yet one finds it everywhere. + </p> + <p> + "So you're going to try to take humour up to Scotland," the most eminent + author in England said to me. "Well, the Lord help you. You'd better take + an axe with you to open their skulls; there is no other way." How this + legend started I don't know, but I think it is because the English are + jealous of the Scotch. They got into the Union with them in 1707 and they + can't get out. The Scotch don't want Home Rule, or Swa Raj, or Dominion + status, or anything; they just want the English. When they want money they + go to London and make it; if they want literary fame they sell their books + to the English; and to prevent any kind of political trouble they take + care to keep the Cabinet well filled with Scotchmen. The English for + shame's sake can't get out of the Union, so they retaliate by saying that + the Scotch have no sense of humour. But there's nothing in it. One has + only to ask any of the theatrical people and they will tell you that the + audiences in Glasgow and Edinburgh are the best in the British Isles—possess + the best taste and the best ability to recognise what is really good. + </p> + <p> + The reason for this lies, I think, in the well-known fact that the Scotch + are a truly educated people, not educated in the mere sense of having been + made to go to school, but in the higher sense of having acquired an + interest in books and a respect for learning. In England the higher + classes alone possess this, the working class as a whole know nothing of + it. But in Scotland the attitude is universal. And the more I reflect upon + the subject, the more I believe that what counts most in the appreciation + of humour is not nationality, but the degree of education enjoyed by the + individual concerned. I do not think that there is any doubt that educated + people possess a far wider range of humour than the uneducated class. Some + people, of course, get overeducated and become hopelessly academic. The + word "highbrow" has been invented exactly to fit the case. The sense of + humour in the highbrow has become atrophied, or, to vary the metaphor, it + is submerged or buried under the accumulated strata of his education, on + the top soil of which flourishes a fine growth of conceit. But even in the + highbrow the educated appreciation of humour is there—away down. + Generally, if one attempts to amuse a highbrow he will resent it as if the + process were beneath him; or perhaps the intellectual jealousy and + touchiness with which he is always overcharged will lead him to retaliate + with a pointless story from Plato. But if the highbrow is right off his + guard and has no jealousy in his mind, you may find him roaring with + laughter and wiping his spectacles, with his sides shaking, and see him + converted as by magic into the merry, clever little school-boy that he was + thirty years ago, before his education ossified him. + </p> + <p> + But with the illiterate and the rustic no such process is possible. His + sense of humour may be there as a sense, but the mechanism for setting it + in operation is limited and rudimentary. Only the broadest and most + elementary forms of joke can reach him. The magnificent mechanism of the + art of words is, quite literally, a sealed book to him. Here and there, + indeed, a form of fun is found so elementary in its nature and yet so + excellent in execution that it appeals to all alike, to the illiterate and + to the highbrow, to the peasant and the professor. Such, for example, are + the antics of Mr. Charles Chaplin or the depiction of Mr. Jiggs by the + pencil of George McManus. But such cases are rare. As a rule the cheap fun + that excites the rustic to laughter is execrable to the man of education. + </p> + <p> + In the light of what I have said before it follows that the individuals + that are findable in every English or American audience are much the same. + All those who lecture or act are well aware that there are certain types + of people that are always to be seen somewhere in the hall. Some of these + belong to the general class of discouraging people. They listen in stolid + silence. No light of intelligence ever gleams on their faces; no response + comes from their eyes. + </p> + <p> + I find, for example, that wherever I go there is always seated in the + audience, about three seats from the front, a silent man with a big + motionless face like a melon. He is always there. I have seen that man in + every town or city from Richmond, Indiana, to Bournemouth in Hampshire. He + haunts me. I get to expect him. I feel like nodding to him from the + platform. And I find that all other lecturers have the same experience. + Wherever they go the man with the big face is always there. He never + laughs; no matter if the people all round him are convulsed with laughter, + he sits there like a rock—or, no, like a toad—immovable. What + he thinks I don't know. Why he comes to lectures I cannot guess. Once, and + once only, I spoke to him, or, rather, he spoke to me. I was coming out + from the lecture and found myself close to him in the corridor. It had + been a rather gloomy evening; the audience had hardly laughed at all; and + I know nothing sadder than a humorous lecture without laughter. The man + with the big face, finding himself beside me, turned and said, "Some of + them people weren't getting that to-night." His tone of sympathy seemed to + imply that he had got it all himself; if so, he must have swallowed it + whole without a sign. But I have since thought that this man with the big + face may have his own internal form of appreciation. This much, however, I + know: to look at him from the platform is fatal. One sustained look into + his big, motionless face and the lecturer would be lost; inspiration would + die upon one's lips—the basilisk isn't in it with him. + </p> + <p> + Personally, I no sooner see the man with the big face than instinctively I + turn my eyes away. I look round the hall for another man that I know is + always there, the opposite type, the little man with the spectacles. There + he sits, good soul, about twelve rows back, his large spectacles beaming + with appreciation and his quick face anticipating every point. I imagine + him to be by trade a minor journalist or himself a writer of sorts, but + with not enough of success to have spoiled him. + </p> + <p> + There are other people always there, too. There is the old lady who thinks + the lecture improper; it doesn't matter how moral it is, she's out for + impropriety and she can find it anywhere. Then there is another very + terrible man against whom all American lecturers in England should be + warned—the man who is leaving on the 9 P.M. train. English railways + running into suburbs and near-by towns have a schedule which is expressly + arranged to have the principal train leave before the lecture ends. Hence + the 9-P.M.-train man. He sits right near the front, and at ten minutes to + nine he gathers up his hat, coat, and umbrella very deliberately, rises + with great calm, and walks firmly away. His air is that of a man who has + stood all that he can and can bear no more. Till one knows about this man, + and the others who rise after him, it is very disconcerting; at first I + thought I must have said something to reflect upon the royal family. But + presently the lecturer gets to understand that it is only the nine-o'clock + train and that all the audience know about it. Then it's all right. It's + just like the people rising and stretching themselves after the seventh + innings in baseball. + </p> + <p> + In all that goes above I have been emphasising the fact that the British + and the American sense of humour are essentially the same thing. But there + are, of course, peculiar differences of form and peculiar preferences of + material that often make them seem to diverge widely. + </p> + <p> + By this I mean that each community has, within limits, its own particular + ways of being funny and its own particular conception of a joke. Thus, a + Scotchman likes best a joke which he has all to himself or which he shares + reluctantly with a few; the thing is too rich to distribute. The American + loves particularly as his line of joke an anecdote with the point all + concentrated at the end and exploding in a phrase. The Englishman loves + best as his joke the narration of something that actually did happen and + that depends, of course; for its point on its reality. + </p> + <p> + There are plenty of minor differences, too, in point of mere form, and + very naturally each community finds the particular form used by the others + less pleasing than its own. In fact, for this very reason each people is + apt to think its own humour the best. + </p> + <p> + Thus, on our side of the Atlantic, to cite our own faults first, we still + cling to the supposed humour of bad spelling. We have, indeed, told + ourselves a thousand times over that bad spelling is not funny, but is + very tiresome. Yet it is no sooner laid aside and buried than it gets + resurrected. I suppose the real reason is that it is funny, at least to + our eyes. When Bill Nye spells wife with "yph" we can't help being amused. + Now Bill Nye's bad spelling had absolutely no point to it except its + oddity. At times it was extremely funny, but as a mode it led easily to + widespread and pointless imitation. It was the kind of thing—like + poetry—that anybody can do badly. It was most deservedly abandoned + with execration. No American editor would print it to-day. But witness the + new and excellent effect produced with bad spelling by Mr. Ring W. + Lardner. Here, however, the case is altered; it is not the falseness of + Mr. Lardner's spelling that is the amusing feature of it, but the truth of + it. When he writes, "dear friend, Al, I would of rote sooner," etc., he is + truer to actual sound and intonation than the lexicon. The mode is + excellent. But the imitations will soon debase it into such bad coin that + it will fail to pass current. In England, however, the humour of bad + spelling does not and has never, I believe, flourished. Bad spelling is + only used in England as an attempt to reproduce phonetically a dialect; it + is not intended that the spelling itself should be thought funny, but the + dialect that it represents. But the effect, on the whole, is tiresome. A + little dose of the humour of Lancashire or Somerset or Yorkshire + pronunciation may be all right, but a whole page of it looks like the + gibbering of chimpanzees set down on paper. + </p> + <p> + In America also we run perpetually to the (supposed) humour of slang, a + form not used in England. If we were to analyse what we mean by slang I + think it would be found to consist of the introduction of new metaphors or + new forms of language of a metaphorical character, strained almost to the + breaking point. Sometimes we do it with a single word. When some genius + discovers that a "hat" is really only "a lid" placed on top of a human + being, straightway the word "lid" goes rippling over the continent. + Similarly a woman becomes a "skirt," and so on ad infinitum. + </p> + <p> + These words presently either disappear or else retain a permanent place, + being slang no longer. No doubt half our words, if not all of them, were + once slang. Even within our own memory we can see the whole process + carried through; "cinch" once sounded funny; it is now standard + American-English. But other slang is made up of descriptive phrases. At + the best, these slang phrases are—at least we think they are—extremely + funny. But they are funniest when newly coined, and it takes a master hand + to coin them well. For a supreme example of wild vagaries of language used + for humour, one might take O. Henry's "Gentle Grafter." But here the + imitation is as easy as it is tiresome. The invention of pointless slang + phrases without real suggestion or merit is one of our most familiar forms + of factory-made humour. Now the English people are apt to turn away from + the whole field of slang. In the first place it puzzles them—they + don't know whether each particular word or phrase is a sort of idiom + already known to Americans, or something (as with O. Henry) never said + before and to be analysed for its own sake. The result is that with the + English public the great mass of American slang writing (genius apart) + doesn't go. I have even found English people of undoubted literary taste + repelled from such a master as O. Henry (now read by millions in England) + because at first sight they get the impression that it is "all American + slang." + </p> + <p> + Another point in which American humour, or at least the form which it + takes, differs notably from British, is in the matter of story telling. It + was a great surprise to me the first time I went out to a dinner party in + London to find that my host did not open the dinner by telling a funny + story; that the guests did not then sit silent trying to "think of + another"; that some one did not presently break silence by saying, "I + heard a good one the other day,"—and so forth. And I realised that + in this respect English society is luckier than ours. + </p> + <p> + It is my candid opinion that no man ought to be allowed to tell a funny + story or anecdote without a license. We insist rightly enough that every + taxi-driver must have a license, and the same principle should apply to + anybody who proposes to act as a raconteur. Telling a story is a difficult + thing—quite as difficult as driving a taxi. And the risks of failure + and accident and the unfortunate consequences of such to the public, if + not exactly identical, are, at any rate, analogous. + </p> + <p> + This is a point of view not generally appreciated. A man is apt to think + that just because he has heard a good story he is able and entitled to + repeat it. He might as well undertake to do a snake dance merely because + he has seen Madame Pavlowa do one. The point of a story is apt to lie in + the telling, or at least to depend upon it in a high degree. Certain + stories, it is true, depend so much on the final point, or "nub," as we + Americans call it, that they are almost fool-proof. But even these can be + made so prolix and tiresome, can be so messed up with irrelevant detail, + that the general effect is utter weariness relieved by a kind of shock at + the end. Let me illustrate what I mean by a story with a "nub" or point. I + will take one of the best known, so as to make no claim to originality—for + example, the famous anecdote of the man who wanted to be "put off at + Buffalo." Here it is: + </p> + <p> + A man entered a sleeping-car and said to the porter, "At what time do we + get to Buffalo?" The porter answered, "At half-past three in the morning, + sir." "All right," the man said; "now I want to get off at Buffalo, and I + want you to see that I get off. I sleep heavily and I'm hard to rouse. But + you just make me wake up, don't mind what I say, don't pay attention if I + kick about it, just put me off, do you see?" "All right, sir," said the + porter. The man got into his berth and fell fast asleep. He never woke or + moved till it was broad daylight and the train was a hundred miles beyond + Buffalo. He called angrily to the porter, "See here, you, didn't I tell + you to put me off at Buffalo?" The porter looked at him, aghast. "Well, I + declare to goodness, boss!" he exclaimed; "if it wasn't you, who was that + man that I threw off this train at half-past three at Buffalo?" + </p> + <p> + Now this story is as nearly fool-proof as can be. And yet it is amazing + how badly it can be messed up by a person with a special gift for mangling + a story. He does it something after this fashion: + </p> + <p> + "There was a fellow got on the train one night and he had a berth reserved + for Buffalo; at least the way I heard it, it was Buffalo, though I guess, + as a matter of fact, you might tell it on any other town just as well—or + no, I guess he didn't have his berth reserved, he got on the train and + asked the porter for a reservation for Buffalo—or, anyway, that part + doesn't matter—say that he had a berth for Buffalo or any other + place, and the porter came through and said, 'Do you want an early call?'—or + no, he went to the porter—that was it—and said—" + </p> + <p> + But stop. The rest of the story becomes a mere painful waiting for the + end. + </p> + <p> + Of course the higher type of funny story is the one that depends for its + amusing quality not on the final point, or not solely on it, but on the + wording and the narration all through. This is the way in which a story is + told by a comedian or a person who is a raconteur in the real sense. When + Sir Harry Lauder narrates an incident, the telling of it is funny from + beginning to end. When some lesser person tries to repeat it afterwards, + there is nothing left but the final point. The rest is weariness. + </p> + <p> + As a consequence most story-tellers are driven to telling stories that + depend on the point or "nub" and not on the narration. The storyteller + gathers these up till he is equipped with a sort of little repertory of + fun by which he hopes to surround himself with social charm. In America + especially (by which I mean here the United States and Canada, but not + Mexico) we suffer from the story-telling habit. As far as I am able to + judge, English society is not pervaded and damaged by the story-telling + habit as much as is society in the United States and Canada. On our side + of the Atlantic story-telling at dinners and on every other social + occasion has become a curse. In every phase of social and intellectual + life one is haunted by the funny anecdote. Any one who has ever attended a + Canadian or American banquet will recall the solemn way in which the + chairman rises and says: "Gentlemen, it is to me a very great pleasure and + a very great honour to preside at this annual dinner. There was an old + darky once—" and so forth. When he concludes he says, "I will now + call upon the Rev. Dr. Stooge, Head of the Provincial University, Haroe + English Any Sense of Humour? to propose the toast 'Our Dominion.'" Dr. + Stooge rises amid great applause and with great solemnity begins, "There + were once two Irishmen—" and so on to the end. But in London, + England, it is apparently not so. Not long ago I had the pleasure of + meeting at dinner a member of the Government. I fully anticipated that as + a member of the Government he would be expected to tell a funny story + about an old darky, just as he would on our side of the water. In fact, I + should have supposed that he could hardly get into the Government unless + he did tell a funny story of some sort. But all through dinner the Cabinet + Minister never said a word about either a Methodist minister, or a + commercial traveller, or an old darky, or two Irishmen, or any of the + stock characters of the American repertory. On another occasion I dined + with a bishop of the Church. I expected that when the soup came he would + say, "There was an old darky—" After which I should have had to + listen with rapt attention, and, when he had finished, without any pause, + rejoin, "There were a couple of Irishmen once—" and so on. But the + bishop never said a word of the sort. + </p> + <p> + I can further, for the sake of my fellow-men in Canada and the United + States who may think of going to England, vouchsafe the following facts: + If you meet a director of the Bank of England, he does not say: "I am very + glad to meet you. Sit down. There was a mule in Arkansas once," etc. How + they do their banking without that mule I don't know. But they manage it. + I can certify also that if you meet the proprietor of a great newspaper he + will not begin by saying, "There was a Scotchman once." In fact, in + England, you can mingle freely in general society without being called + upon either to produce a funny story or to suffer from one. + </p> + <p> + I don't mean to deny that the American funny story, in capable hands, is + amazingly funny and that it does brighten up human intercourse. But the + real trouble lies, not in the fun of the story, but in the painful waiting + for the point to come and in the strained and anxious silence that + succeeds it. Each person around the dinner table is trying to "think of + another." There is a dreadful pause. The hostess puts up a prayer that + some one may "think of another." Then at last, to the relief of everybody, + some one says: "I heard a story the other day—I don't know whether + you've heard it—" And the grateful cries of "No! no! go ahead" show + how great the tension has been. + </p> + <p> + Nine times out of ten the people have heard the story before; and ten + times out of nine the teller damages it in the telling. But his hearers + are grateful to him for having saved them from the appalling mantle of + silence and introspection which had fallen upon the table. For the trouble + is that when once two or three stories have been told it seems to be a + point of honour not to subside into mere conversation. It seems rude, when + a story-teller has at last reached the triumphant ending and climax of the + mule from Arkansas, it seems impolite, to follow it up by saying, "I see + that Germany refuses to pay the indemnity." It can't be done. Either the + mule or the indemnity—one can't have both. + </p> + <p> + The English, I say, have not developed the American custom of the funny + story as a form of social intercourse. But I do not mean to say that they + are sinless in this respect. As I see it, they hand round in general + conversation something nearly as bad in the form of what one may call the + literal anecdote or personal experience. By this I refer to the habit of + narrating some silly little event that has actually happened to them or in + their sight, which they designate as "screamingly funny," and which was + perhaps very funny when it happened but which is not the least funny in + the telling. The American funny story is imaginary. It never happened. + Somebody presumably once made it up. It is fiction. Thus there must once + have been some great palpitating brain, some glowing imagination, which + invented the story of the man who was put off at Buffalo. But the English + "screamingly funny" story is not imaginary. It really did happen. It is an + actual personal experience. In short, it is not fiction but history. + </p> + <p> + I think—if one may say it with all respect—that in English + society girls and women are especially prone to narrate these personal + experiences as contributions to general merriment rather than the men. The + English girl has a sort of traditional idea of being amusing; the English + man cares less about it. He prefers facts to fancy every time, and as a + rule is free from that desire to pose as a humourist which haunts the + American mind. So it comes about that most of the "screamingly funny" + stories are told in English society by the women. Thus the counterpart of + "put me off at Buffalo" done into English would be something like this: + "We were so amused the other night in the sleeping-car going to Buffalo. + There was the most amusing old negro making the beds, a perfect scream, + you know, and he kept insisting that if we wanted to get up at Buffalo we + must all go to bed at nine o'clock. He positively wouldn't let us sit up—I + mean to say it was killing the way he wanted to put us to bed. We all + roared!" + </p> + <p> + Please note that roar at the end of the English personal anecdote. It is + the sign that indicates that the story is over. When you are assured by + the narrators that all the persons present "roared" or "simply roared," + then you can be quite sure that the humorous incident is closed and that + laughter is in place. + </p> + <p> + Now, as a matter of fact, the scene with the darky porter may have been, + when it really happened, most amusing. But not a trace of it gets over in + the story. There is nothing but the bare assertion that it was + "screamingly funny" or "simply killing." But the English are such an + honest people that when they say this sort of thing they believe one + another and they laugh. + </p> + <p> + But, after all, why should people insist on telling funny stories at all? + Why not be content to buy the works of some really first-class humourist + and read them aloud in proper humility of mind without trying to emulate + them? Either that or talk theology. + </p> + <p> + On my own side of the Atlantic I often marvel at our extraordinary + tolerance and courtesy to one another in the matter of story-telling. I + have never seen a bad story-teller thrown forcibly out of the room or even + stopped and warned; we listen with the most wonderful patience to the + worst of narration. The story is always without any interest except in the + unknown point that will be brought in later. But this, until it does come, + is no more interesting than to-morrow's breakfast. Yet for some reason or + other we permit this story-telling habit to invade and damage our whole + social life. The English always criticise this and think they are + absolutely right. To my mind in their social life they give the "funny + story" its proper place and room and no more. That is to say—if ten + people draw their chairs in to the dinner table and somebody really has + just heard a story and wants to tell it, there is no reason against it. If + he says, "Oh, by the way, I heard a good story to-day," it is just as if + he said, "Oh, by the way, I heard a piece of news about John Smith." It is + quite admissible as conversation. But he doesn't sit down to try to think, + along with nine other rival thinkers, of all the stories that he had + heard, and that makes all the difference. + </p> + <p> + The Scotch, by the way, resemble us in liking to tell and hear stories. + But they have their own line. They like the stories to be grim, dealing in + a jocose way with death and funerals. The story begins (will the reader + kindly turn it into Scotch pronunciation for himself), "There was a Sandy + MacDonald had died and the wife had the body all laid out for burial and + dressed up very fine in his best suit," etc. Now for me that beginning is + enough. To me that is not a story, but a tragedy. I am so sorry for Mrs. + MacDonald that I can't think of anything else. But I think the explanation + is that the Scotch are essentially such a devout people and live so + closely within the shadow of death itself that they may without + irreverence or pain jest where our lips would falter. Or else, perhaps + they don't care a cuss whether Sandy MacDonald died or not. Take it either + way. + </p> + <p> + But I am tired of talking of our faults. Let me turn to the more pleasing + task of discussing those of the English. In the first place, and as a + minor matter of form, I think that English humour suffers from the + tolerance afforded to the pun. For some reason English people find puns + funny. We don't. Here and there, no doubt, a pun may be made that for some + exceptional reason becomes a matter of genuine wit. But the great mass of + the English puns that disfigure the Press every week are mere pointless + verbalisms that to the American mind cause nothing but weariness. + </p> + <p> + But even worse than the use of puns is the peculiar pedantry, not to say + priggishness, that haunts the English expression of humour. To make a + mistake in a Latin quotation or to stick on a wrong ending to a Latin word + is not really an amusing thing. To an ancient Roman, perhaps, it might be. + But then we are not ancient Romans; indeed, I imagine that if an ancient + Roman could be resurrected, all the Latin that any of our classical + scholars can command would be about equivalent to the French of a cockney + waiter on a Channel steamer. Yet one finds even the immortal Punch citing + recently as a very funny thing a newspaper misquotation of "urbis et + orbis" instead of "urbi et orbos," or the other way round. I forget which. + Perhaps there was some further point in it that I didn't see, but, anyway, + it wasn't funny. Neither is it funny if a person, instead of saying + Archimedes, says Archimeeds; why shouldn't it have been Archimeeds? The + English scale of values in these things is all wrong. Very few Englishmen + can pronounce Chicago properly and they think nothing of that. But if a + person mispronounces the name of a Greek village of what O. Henry called + "The Year B.C." it is supposed to be excruciatingly funny. + </p> + <p> + I think in reality that this is only a part of the overdone scholarship + that haunts so much of English writing—not the best of it, but a lot + of it. It is too full of allusions and indirect references to all sorts of + extraneous facts. The English writer finds it hard to say a plain thing in + a plain way. He is too anxious to show in every sentence what a fine + scholar he is. He carries in his mind an accumulated treasure of + quotations, allusions, and scraps and tags of history, and into this, like + Jack Horner, he must needs "stick in his thumb and pull out a plum." + Instead of saying, "It is a fine morning," he prefers to write, "This is a + day of which one might say with the melancholy Jacques, it is a fine + morning." + </p> + <p> + Hence it is that many plain American readers find English humour + "highbrow." Just as the English are apt to find our humour "slangy" and + "cheap," so we find theirs academic and heavy. But the difference, after + all, is of far less moment than might be supposed. It lies only on the + surface. Fundamentally, as I said in starting, the humour of the two + peoples is of the same kind and on an equal level. + </p> + <p> + There is one form of humour which the English have more or less to + themselves, nor do I envy it to them. I mean the merriment that they + appear able to draw out of the criminal courts. To me a criminal court is + a place of horror, and a murder trial the last word in human tragedy. The + English criminal courts I know only from the newspapers and ask no nearer + acquaintance. But according to the newspapers the courts, especially when + a murder case is on, are enlivened by flashes of judicial and legal humour + that seem to meet with general approval. The current reports in the Press + run like this: + </p> + <p> + "The prisoner, who is being tried on a charge of having burned his wife to + death in a furnace, was placed in the dock and gave his name as Evans. Did + he say 'Evans or Ovens?' asked Mr. Justice Blank. The court broke into a + roar, in which all joined but the prisoner...." Or take this: "How many + years did you say you served the last time?" asked the judge. "Three," + said the prisoner. "Well, twice three is six," said the judge, laughing + till his sides shook; "so I'll give you six years." + </p> + <p> + I don't say that those are literal examples of the humour of the criminal + court. But they are close to it. For a judge to joke is as easy as it is + for a schoolmaster to joke in his class. His unhappy audience has no + choice but laughter. No doubt in point of intellect the English judges and + the bar represent the most highly trained product of the British Empire. + But when it comes to fun, they ought not to pit themselves against the + unhappy prisoner. + </p> + <p> + Why not take a man of their own size? For true amusement Mr. Charles + Chaplin or Mr. Leslie Henson could give them sixty in a hundred. I even + think I could myself. + </p> + <p> + One final judgment, however, might with due caution be hazarded. I do not + think that, on the whole, the English are quite as fond of humour as we + are. I mean they are not so willing to welcome at all times the humorous + point of view as we are in America. The English are a serious people, with + many serious things to think of—football, horse racing, dogs, fish, + and many other concerns that demand much national thought: they have so + many national preoccupations of this kind that they have less need for + jokes than we have. They have higher things to talk about, whereas on our + side of the water, except when the World's Series is being played, we have + few, if any, truly national topics. + </p> + <p> + And yet I know that many people in England would exactly reverse this last + judgment and say that the Americans are a desperately serious people. That + in a sense is true. Any American who takes up with an idea such as New + Thought, Psychoanalysis or Eating Sawdust, or any "uplift" of the kind + becomes desperately lopsided in his seriousness, and as a very large + number of us cultivate New Thought, or practise breathing exercises, or + eat sawdust, no doubt the English visitors think us a desperate lot. + </p> + <p> + Anyway, it's an ill business to criticise another people's shortcomings. + What I said at the start was that the British are just as humorous as are + the Americans, or the Canadians, or any of us across the Atlantic, and for + greater Certainty I repeat it at the end. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's My Discovery of England, by Stephen Leacock + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MY DISCOVERY OF ENGLAND *** + +***** This file should be named 3532-h.htm or 3532-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/3/3532/ + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan, The Distributed Proofers Team, and David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: My Discovery of England + +Author: Stephen Leacock + +Commentator: Owen Seaman + +Posting Date: February 12, 2009 [EBook #3532] +Release Date: November, 2002 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MY DISCOVERY OF ENGLAND *** + + + + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan, and The Distributed Proofers + + + + + +MY DISCOVERY OF ENGLAND + +1922 + +By Leacock, Stephen + + + + +Introduction of Mr. Stephen Leacock Given by Sir Owen Seaman +on the Occasion of His First Lecture in London + + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: It is usual on these occasions for the chairman +to begin something like this: "The lecturer, I am sure, needs no +introduction from me." And indeed, when I have been the lecturer and +somebody else has been the chairman, I have more than once suspected +myself of being the better man of the two. Of course I hope I should +always have the good manners--I am sure Mr. Leacock has--to disguise +that suspicion. However, one has to go through these formalities, and I +will therefore introduce the lecturer to you. + +Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr. Stephen Leacock. Mr. Leacock, this is +the flower of London intelligence--or perhaps I should say one of the +flowers; the rest are coming to your other lectures. + +In ordinary social life one stops at an introduction and does not +proceed to personal details. But behaviour on the platform, as on the +stage, is seldom ordinary. I will therefore tell you a thing or two +about Mr. Leacock. In the first place, by vocation he is a Professor of +Political Economy, and he practises humour--frenzied fiction instead +of frenzied finance--by way of recreation. There he differs a good deal +from me, who have to study the products of humour for my living, and by +way of recreation read Mr. Leacock on political economy. + +Further, Mr. Leacock is all-British, being English by birth and Canadian +by residence, I mention this for two reasons: firstly, because England +and the Empire are very proud to claim him for their own, and, secondly, +because I do not wish his nationality to be confused with that of his +neighbours on the other side. For English and American humourists have +not always seen eye to eye. When we fail to appreciate their humour they +say we are too dull and effete to understand it: and when they do not +appreciate ours they say we haven't got any. + +Now Mr. Leacock's humour is British by heredity; but he has caught +something of the spirit of American humour by force of association. This +puts him in a similar position to that in which I found myself once when +I took the liberty of swimming across a rather large loch in Scotland. +After climbing into the boat I was in the act of drying myself when I +was accosted by the proprietor of the hotel adjacent to the shore. "You +have no business to be bathing here," he shouted. "I'm not," I said; +"I'm bathing on the other side." In the same way, if anyone on either +side of the water is unintelligent enough to criticise Mr. Leacock's +humour, he can always say it comes from the other side. But the truth +is that his humour contains all that is best in the humour of both +hemispheres. + +Having fulfilled my duty as chairman, in that I have told you nothing +that you did not know before--except, perhaps, my swimming feat, which +never got into the Press because I have a very bad publicity agent--I +will not detain you longer from what you are really wanting to get at; +but ask Mr. Leacock to proceed at once with his lecture on "Frenzied +Fiction." + + + +CONTENTS + + I. THE BALANCE OF TRADE IN IMPRESSIONS + II. I AM INTERVIEWED BY THE PRESS + III. IMPRESSIONS OF LONDON + IV. A CLEAR VIEW OF THE GOVERNMENT AND POLITICS OF ENGLAND + V. OXFORD AS I SEE IT + VI. THE BRITISH AND THE AMERICAN PRESS + VII. BUSINESS IN ENGLAND + VIII. IS PROHIBITION COMING TO ENGLAND? + IX. "WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT" + X. HAVE THE ENGLISH ANY SENSE OF HUMOUR? + + + + + +MY DISCOVERY OF ENGLAND + + + + +I. The Balance of Trade in Impressions + +FOR some years past a rising tide of lecturers and literary men from +England has washed upon the shores of our North American continent. The +purpose of each one of them is to make a new discovery of America. They +come over to us travelling in great simplicity, and they return in +the ducal suite of the Aquitania. They carry away with them their +impressions of America, and when they reach England they sell them. This +export of impressions has now been going on so long that the balance +of trade in impressions is all disturbed. There is no doubt that the +Americans and Canadians have been too generous in this matter of giving +away impressions. We emit them with the careless ease of a glow worm, +and like the glow-worm ask for nothing in return. + +But this irregular and one-sided traffic has now assumed such great +proportions that we are compelled to ask whether it is right to allow +these people to carry away from us impressions of the very highest +commercial value without giving us any pecuniary compensation whatever. +British lecturers have been known to land in New York, pass the customs, +drive uptown in a closed taxi, and then forward to England from the +closed taxi itself ten dollars' worth of impressions of American +national character. I have myself seen an English literary man,--the +biggest, I believe: he had at least the appearance of it; sit in the +corridor of a fashionable New York hotel and look gloomily into his hat, +and then from his very hat produce an estimate of the genius of Amer ica +at twenty cents a word. The nice question as to whose twenty cents that +was never seems to have occurred to him. + +I am not writing in the faintest spirit of jealousy. I quite admit the +extraordinary ability that is involved in this peculiar susceptibility +to impressions. I have estimated that some of these English visitors +have been able to receive impressions at the rate of four to the second; +in fact, they seem to get them every time they see twenty cents. But +without jealousy or complaint, I do feel that somehow these impressions +are inadequate and fail to depict us as we really are. + +Let me illustrate what I mean. Here are some of the impressions of New +York, gathered from visitors' discoveries of America, and reproduced not +perhaps word for word but as closely as I can remember them. "New York", +writes one, "nestling at the foot of the Hudson, gave me an impression +of cosiness, of tiny graciousness: in short, of weeness." But compare +this--"New York," according to another discoverer of America, "gave me +an impression of size, of vastness; there seemed to be a big ness about +it not found in smaller places." A third visitor writes, "New York +struck me as hard, cruel, almost inhuman." This, I think, was because +his taxi driver had charged him three dollars. "The first thing that +struck me in New York," writes another, "was the Statue of Liberty." +But, after all, that was only natural: it was the first thing that could +reach him. + +Nor is it only the impressions of the metropolis that seem to fall short +of reality. Let me quote a few others taken at random here and there +over the continent. + +"I took from Pittsburg," says an English visitor, "an impression of +something that I could hardly define--an atmosphere rather than an +idea." + +All very well, But, after all, had he the right to take it? Granted that +Pittsburg has an atmosphere rather than an idea, the attempt to carry +away this atmosphere surely borders on rapacity. + +"New Orleans," writes another visitor, "opened her arms to me and +bestowed upon me the soft and languorous kiss of the Caribbean." This +statement may or may not be true; but in any case it hardly seems the +fair thing to mention it. + +"Chicago," according to another book of discovery, "struck me as a large +city. Situated as it is and where it is, it seems destined to be a place +of importance." + +Or here, again, is a form of "impression" that recurs again and +again-"At Cleveland I felt a distinct note of optimism in the air." + +This same note of optimism is found also at Toledo, at Toronto--in +short, I believe it indicates nothing more than that some one gave the +visitor a cigar. Indeed it generally occurs during the familiar scene +in which the visitor describes his cordial reception in an unsuspecting +American town: thus: + +"I was met at the station (called in America the depot) by a member +of the Municipal Council driving his own motor car. After giving me an +excellent cigar, he proceeded to drive me about the town, to various +points of interest, including the municipal abattoir, where he gave me +another excellent cigar, the Carnegie public library, the First National +Bank (the courteous manager of which gave me an excellent cigar) and +the Second Congregational Church where I had the pleasure of meeting the +pastor. The pastor, who appeared a man of breadth and culture, gave me +another cigar. In the evening a dinner, admirably cooked and excellently +served, was tendered to me at a leading hotel." And of course he took +it. After which his statement that he carried away from the town a +feeling of optimism explains itself: he had four cigars, the dinner, and +half a page of impressions at twenty cents a word. + +Nor is it only by the theft of impressions that we suffer at the hands +of these English discoverers of America. It is a part of the system also +that we have to submit to being lectured to by our talented visitors. It +is now quite understood that as soon as an English literary man finishes +a book he is rushed across to America to tell the people of the United +States and Canada all about it, and how he came to write it. At home, in +his own country, they don't care how he came to write it. He's written +it and that's enough. But in America it is different. One month after +the distinguished author's book on The Boyhood of Botticelli has +appeared in London, he is seen to land in New York very quietly out of +one of the back portholes of the Olympic. That same afternoon you will +find him in an armchair in one of the big hotels giving off impressions +of America to a group of reporters. After which notices appear in +all the papers to the effect that he will lecture in Carnegie Hall on +"Botticelli the Boy". The audience is assured beforehand. It consists of +all the people who feel that they have to go because they know all about +Botticelli and all the people who feel that they have to go because they +don't know anything about Botticelli. By this means the lecturer is +able to rake the whole country from Montreal to San Francisco +with "Botticelli the Boy". Then he turns round, labels his lecture +"Botticelli the Man", and rakes it all back again. All the way across +the continent and back he emits impressions, estimates of national +character, and surveys of American genius. He sails from New York in a +blaze of publicity, with his cordon of reporters round him, and a month +later publishes his book "America as I Saw It". It is widely read--in +America. + +In the course of time a very considerable public feeling was aroused +in the United States and Canada over this state of affairs. The lack of +reciprocity in it seemed unfair. It was felt (or at least I felt) +that the time had come when some one ought to go over and take some +impressions off England. The choice of such a person (my choice) fell +upon myself. By an arrangement with the Geographical Society of America, +acting in conjunction with the Royal Geographical Society of England (to +both of whom I communicated my proposal), I went at my own expense. + +It is scarcely feasible to give here full details in regard to my outfit +and equipment, though I hope to do so in a later and more extended +account of my expedition. Suffice it to say that my outfit, which was +modelled on the equipment of English lecturers in America, included a +complete suit of clothes, a dress shirt for lecturing in, a fountain +pen and a silk hat. The dress shirt, I may say for the benefit of other +travellers, proved invaluable. The silk hat, however, is no longer used +in England except perhaps for scrambling eggs in. + +I pass over the details of my pleasant voyage from New York to +Liverpool. During the last fifty years so many travellers have made +the voyage across the Atlantic that it is now impossible to obtain any +impressions from the ocean of the slightest commercial value. My readers +will recall the fact that Washington Irving, as far back as a century +ago, chronicled the pleasure that one felt during an Atlantic voyage +in idle day dreams while lying prone upon the bowsprit and watching the +dolphins leaping in the crystalline foam. Since his time so many gifted +writers have attempted to do the same thing that on the large Atlantic +liners the bowsprit has been removed, or at any rate a notice put up: +"Authors are requested not to lie prostrate on the bowsprit." But +even without this advantage, three or four generations of writers have +chronicled with great minuteness their sensations during the transit. +I need only say that my sensations were just as good as theirs. I will +content myself with chronicling the fact that during the voyage we +passed two dolphins, one whale and one iceberg (none of them moving very +fast at the time), and that on the fourth day out the sea was so +rough that the Captain said that in forty years he had never seen such +weather. One of the steerage passengers, we were told, was actually +washed overboard: I think it was over board that he was washed, but it +may have been on board the ship itself. + +I pass over also the incidents of my landing in Liverpool, except +perhaps to comment upon the extraordinary behaviour of the English +customs officials. Without wishing in any way to disturb international +relations, one cannot help noticing the rough and inquisitorial methods +of the English customs men as compared with the gentle and affectionate +ways of the American officials at New York. The two trunks that I +brought with me were dragged brutally into an open shed, the strap +of one of them was rudely unbuckled, while the lid of the other was +actually lifted at least four inches. The trunks were then roughly +scrawled with chalk, the lids slammed to, and that was all. Not one +of the officials seemed to care to look at my things or to have the +politeness to pretend to want to. I had arranged my dress suit and my +pyjamas so as to make as effective a display as possible: a New York +customs officer would have been delighted with it. Here they simply +passed it over. "Do open this trunk," I asked one of the officials, "and +see my pyjamas." "I don't think it is necessary, sir," the man answered. +There was a coldness about it that cut me to the quick. + +But bad as is the conduct of the English customs men, the immigration +officials are even worse. I could not help being struck by the dreadful +carelessness with which people are admitted into England. There are, it +is true, a group of officials said to be in charge of immigration, but +they know nothing of the discriminating care exercised on the other side +of the Atlantic. + +"Do you want to know," I asked one of them, "whether I am a polygamist?" + +"No, sir," he said very quietly. + +"Would you like me to tell you whether I am fundamentally opposed to any +and every system of government?" + +The man seemed mystified. "No, sir," he said. "I don't know that I +would." + +"Don't you care?" I asked. + +"Well, not particularly, sir," he answered. + +I was determined to arouse him from his lethargy. + +"Let me tell you, then," I said, "that I am an anarchistic polygamist, +that I am opposed to all forms of government, that I object to any kind +of revealed religion, that I regard the state and property and marriage +as the mere tyranny of the bourgeoisie, and that I want to see class +hatred carried to the point where it forces every one into brotherly +love. Now, do I get in?" + +The official looked puzzled for a minute. "You are not Irish, are you, +sir?" he said. + +"No." + +"Then I think you can come in all right." he answered. + +The journey from Liverpool to London, like all other English journeys, +is short. This is due to the fact that England is a small country: it +contains only 50,000 square miles, whereas the United States, as every +one knows, contains three and a half billion. I mentioned this fact to +an English fellow passenger on the train, together with a provisional +estimate of the American corn crop for 1922: but he only drew his rug +about his knees, took a sip of brandy from his travelling flask, and +sank into a state resembling death. I contented myself with jotting down +an impression of incivility and paid no further attention to my fellow +traveller other than to read the labels on his lug gage and to peruse +the headings of his newspaper by peeping over his shoulder. + +It was my first experience of travelling with a fellow passenger in +a compartment of an English train, and I admit now that I was as yet +ignorant of the proper method of conduct. Later on I became fully +conversant with the rule of travel as understood in England. I should +have known, of course, that I must on no account speak to the man. But I +should have let down the window a little bit in such a way as to make a +strong draught on his ear. Had this failed to break down his reserve I +should have placed a heavy valise in the rack over his head so balanced +that it might fall on him at any moment. Failing this again, I could +have blown rings of smoke at him or stepped on his feet under the +pretence of looking out of the window. Under the English rule as long as +he bears this in silence you are not supposed to know him. In fact, he +is not supposed to be there. You and he each presume the other to be a +mere piece of empty space. But let him once be driven to say, "Oh, I beg +your pardon, I wonder if you would mind my closing the window," and he +is lost. After that you are entitled to tell him anything about the corn +crop that you care to. + +But in the present case I knew nothing of this, and after three hours of +charming silence I found myself in London. + + + + +II. I Am Interviewed by the Press + +IMMEDIATELY upon my arrival in London I was interviewed by the Press. I +was interviewed in all twenty times. I am not saying this in any +spirit of elation or boastfulness. I am simply stating it as a +fact--interviewed twenty times, sixteen times by men and twice by women. +But as I feel that the results of these interviews were not all that I +could have wished, I think it well to make some public explanation of +what happened. + +The truth is that we do this thing so differently over in America that I +was for the time being completely thrown off my bearings. The questions +that I had every right to expect after many years of American and +Canadian interviews failed to appear. + +I pass over the fact that being interviewed for five hours is a +fatiguing process. I lay no claim to exemption for that. But to that no +doubt was due the singular discrepancies as to my physical appearance +which I detected in the London papers. + +The young man who interviewed me immediately after breakfast described +me as "a brisk, energetic man, still on the right side of forty, with +energy in every movement." + +The lady who wrote me up at 11.30 reported that my hair was turning +grey, and that there was "a peculiar languor" in my manner. + +And at the end the boy who took me over at a quarter to two said, "The +old gentleman sank wearily upon a chair in the hotel lounge. His hair is +almost white." + +The trouble is that I had not understood that London reporters are +supposed to look at a man's personal appearance. In America we never +bother with that. We simply describe him as a "dynamo." For some reason +or other it always pleases everybody to be called a "dynamo," and the +readers, at least with us, like to read about people who are "dynamos," +and hardly care for anything else. + +In the case of very old men we sometimes call them "battle-horses" or +"extinct volcanoes," but beyond these three classes we hardly venture +on description. So I was misled. I had expected that the reporter would +say: "As soon as Mr. Leacock came across the floor we felt we were in +the presence of a 'dynamo' (or an 'extinct battle-horse' as the case may +be)." Otherwise I would have kept up those energetic movements all the +morning. But they fatigue me, and I did not think them necessary. But I +let that pass. + +The more serious trouble was the questions put to me by the reporters. +Over in our chief centres of population we use another set altogether. +I am thinking here especially of the kind of interview that I have +given out in Youngstown, Ohio, and Richmond, Indiana, and Peterborough, +Ontario. In all these places--for example, in Youngstown, Ohio the +reporter asks as his first question, "What is your impression of +Youngstown?" + +In London they don't. They seem indifferent to the fate of their city. +Perhaps it is only English pride. For all I know they may have been +burning to know this, just as the Youngstown, Ohio, people are, and +were too proud to ask. In any case I will insert here the answer I had +written out in my pocket-book (one copy for each paper--the way we do it +in Youngstown), and which read: + +"London strikes me as emphatically a city with a future. Standing as +she does in the heart of a rich agricultural district with railroad +connection in all directions, and resting, as she must, on a bed of coal +and oil, I prophesy that she will one day be a great city." + +The advantage of this is that it enables the reporter to get just the +right kind of heading: PROPHESIES BRIGHT FUTURE FOR LONDON. Had +that been used my name would have stood higher there than it does +to-day--unless the London people are very different from the people in +Youngstown, which I doubt. As it is they don't know whether their future +is bright or is as dark as mud. But it's not my fault. The reporters +never asked me. + +If the first question had been handled properly it would have led up +by an easy and pleasant transition to question two, which always runs: +"Have you seen our factories?" To which the answer is: + +"I have. I was taken out early this morning by a group of your citizens +(whom I cannot thank enough) in a Ford car to look at your pail and +bucket works. At eleven-thirty I was taken out by a second group in what +was apparently the same car to see your soap works. I understand that +you are the second nail-making centre east of the Alleghenies, and I +am amazed and appalled. This afternoon I am to be taken out to see your +wonderful system of disposing of sewerage, a thing which has fascinated +me from childhood." + +Now I am not offering any criticism of the London system of +interviewing, but one sees at once how easy and friendly for all +concerned this Youngstown method is; how much better it works than the +London method of asking questions about literature and art and difficult +things of that sort. I am sure that there must be soap works and +perhaps a pail factory somewhere in London. But during my entire time +of residence there no one ever offered to take me to them. As for the +sewerage--oh, well, I suppose we are more hospitable in America. Let it +go at that. + +I had my answer all written and ready, saying: + +"I understand that London is the second greatest hop-consuming, the +fourth hog-killing, and the first egg-absorbing centre in the world." + +But what I deplore still more, and I think with reason, is the total +omission of the familiar interrogation: "What is your impression of our +women?" + +That's where the reporter over on our side hits the nail every time. +That is the point at which we always nudge him in the ribs and buy him +a cigar, and at which youth and age join in a sly jest together. Here +again the sub-heading comes in so nicely: THINKS YOUNGSTOWN WOMEN +CHARMING. And they are. They are, everywhere. But I hate to think that +I had to keep my impression of London women unused in my pocket while +a young man asked me whether I thought modern literature owed more to +observation and less to inspiration than some other kind of literature. + +Now that's exactly the kind of question, the last one, that the London +reporters seem to harp on. They seemed hipped about literature; and +their questions are too difficult. One asked me whether the American +drama was structurally inferior to the French. I don't call that fair. I +told him I didn't know; that I used to know the answer to it when I was +at college, but that I had forgotten it, and that, anyway, I am too well +off now to need to remember it. + +That question is only one of a long list that they asked me about art +and literature. I missed nearly all of them, except one as to whether I +thought Al Jolson or Frank Tinney was the higher artist, and even that +one was asked by an American who is wasting himself on the London Press. + +I don't want to speak in anger. But I say it frankly, the atmosphere +of these young men is not healthy, and I felt that I didn't want to see +them any more. + +Had there been a reporter of the kind we have at home in Montreal or +Toledo or Springfield, Illinois, I would have welcomed him at my hotel. +He could have taken me out in a Ford car and shown me a factory and told +me how many cubic feet of water go down the Thames in an hour. I should +have been glad of his society, and he and I would have together made up +the kind of copy that people of his class and mine read. But I felt that +if any young man came along to ask about the structure of the modern +drama, he had better go on to the British Museum. + +Meantime as the reporters entirely failed to elicit the large fund of +information which I acquired, I reserve my impressions of London for a +chapter by themselves. + + + + +III. Impressions of London + +BEFORE setting down my impressions of the great English metropolis; a +phrase which I have thought out as a designation for London; I think it +proper to offer an initial apology. I find that I receive impressions +with great difficulty and have nothing of that easy facility in picking +them up which is shown by British writers on America. I remember Hugh +Walpole telling me that he could hardly walk down Broadway without +getting at least three dollars' worth and on Fifth Avenue five dollars' +worth; and I recollect that St. John Ervine came up to my house in +Montreal, drank a cup of tea, borrowed some tobacco, and got away with +sixty dollars' worth of impressions of Canadian life and character. + +For this kind of thing I have only a despairing admiration. I can get an +impression if I am given time and can think about it beforehand. But +it requires thought. This fact was all the more distressing to me in as +much as one of the leading editors of America had made me a proposal, +as honourable to him as it was lucrative to me, that immediately on my +arrival in London;--or just before it,--I should send him a thousand +words on the genius of the English, and five hundred words on the spirit +of London, and two hundred words of personal chat with Lord Northcliffe. +This contract I was unable to fulfil except the personal chat with Lord +Northcliffe, which proved an easy matter as he happened to be away in +Australia. + +But I have since pieced together my impressions as conscientiously as I +could and I present them here. If they seem to be a little bit modelled +on British impressions of America I admit at once that the influence +is there. We writers all act and react on one another; and when I see a +good thing in another man's book I react on it at once. + +London, the name of which is already known to millions of readers of +this book, is beautifully situated on the river Thames, which here +sweeps in a wide curve with much the same breadth and majesty as the St. +Jo River at South Bend, Indiana. London, like South Bend itself, is +a city of clean streets and admirable sidewalks, and has an excellent +water supply. One is at once struck by the number of excellent and +well-appointed motor cars that one sees on every hand, the neatness +of the shops and the cleanliness and cheerfulness of the faces of the +people. In short, as an English visitor said of Peterborough, Ontario, +there is a distinct note of optimism in the air. I forget who it was who +said this, but at any rate I have been in Peterborough myself and I have +seen it. + +Contrary to my expectations and contrary to all our Transatlantic +precedents, I was not met at the depot by one of the leading citizens, +himself a member of the Municipal Council, driving his own motor car. +He did not tuck a fur rug about my knees, present me with a really +excellent cigar and proceed to drive me about the town so as to show me +the leading points of interest, the municipal reservoir, the gas works +and the municipal abattoir. In fact he was not there. But I attribute +his absence not to any lack of hospitality but merely to a certain +reserve in the English character. They are as yet unused to the arrival +of lecturers. When they get to be more accustomed to their coming, they +will learn to take them straight to the municipal abattoir just as we +do. + +For lack of better guidance, therefore, I had to form my impressions of +London by myself. In the mere physical sense there is much to attract +the eye. The city is able to boast of many handsome public buildings and +offices which compare favourably with anything on the other side of the +Atlantic. On the bank of the Thames itself rises the power house of the +Westminster Electric Supply Corporation, a handsome modern edifice in +the later Japanese style. Close by are the commodious premises of the +Imperial Tobacco Company, while at no great distance the Chelsea Gas +Works add a striking feature of rotundity. Passing northward, one +observes Westminster Bridge, notable as a principal station of the +underground railway. This station and the one next above it, the Charing +Cross one, are connected by a wide thoroughfare called Whitehall. One +of the best American drug stores is here situated. The upper end of +Whitehall opens into the majestic and spacious Trafalgar Square. Here +are grouped in imposing proximity the offices of the Canadian Pacific +and other railways, The International Sleeping Car Company, the Montreal +Star, and the Anglo-Dutch Bank. Two of the best American barber shops +are conveniently grouped near the Square, while the existence of a tall +stone monument in the middle of the Square itself enables the American +visitor to find them without difficulty. Passing eastward towards the +heart of the city, one notes on the left hand the imposing pile of St. +Paul's, an enormous church with a round dome on the top, suggesting +strongly the first Church of Christ (Scientist) on Euclid Avenue, +Cleveland. + +But the English churches not being labelled, the visitor is often at a +loss to distinguish them. + +A little further on one finds oneself in the heart of financial London. +Here all the great financial institutions of America--The First National +Bank of Milwaukee, The Planters National Bank of St. Louis, The Montana +Farmers Trust Co., and many others,--have either their offices or their +agents. The Bank of England--which acts as the London Agent of The +Montana Farmers Trust Company,--and the London County Bank, which +represents the People's Deposit Co., of Yonkers, N.Y., are said to be in +the neighbourhood. + +This particular part of London is connected with the existence of that +strange and mysterious thing called "the City." I am still unable to +decide whether the city is a person, or a place, or a thing. But as a +form of being I give it credit for being the most emotional, the most +volatile, the most peculiar creature in the world. You read in the +morning paper that the City is "deeply depressed." At noon it is +reported that the City is "buoyant" and by four o'clock that the City is +"wildly excited." + +I have tried in vain to find the causes of these peculiar changes of +feeling. The ostensible reasons, as given in the newspaper, are so +trivial as to be hardly worthy of belief. For example, here is the kind +of news that comes out from the City. "The news that a modus vivendi +has been signed between the Sultan of Kowfat and the Shriek-ul-Islam +has caused a sudden buoyancy in the City. Steel rails which had been +depressed all morning reacted immediately while American mules rose up +sharply to par."... "Monsieur Poincar, speaking at Bordeaux, said +that henceforth France must seek to retain by all possible means the +ping-pong championship of the world: values in the City collapsed at +once."... "Despatches from Bombay say that the Shah of Persia yesterday +handed a golden slipper to the Grand Vizier Feebli Pasha as a sign that +he might go and chase himself: the news was at once followed by a drop +in oil, and a rapid attempt to liquidate everything that is fluid..." + +But these mysteries of the City I do not pretend to explain. I have +passed through the place dozens of times and never noticed anything +particular in the way of depression or buoyancy, or falling oil, or +rising rails. But no doubt it is there. + +A little beyond the city and further down the river the visitor finds +this district of London terminating in the gloomy and forbidding +Tower, the principal penitentiary of the city. Here Queen Victoria was +imprisoned for many years. + +Excellent gasoline can be had at the American Garage immediately north +of the Tower, where motor repairs of all kinds are also carried on. + +These, however, are but the superficial pictures of London, gathered by +the eye of the tourist. A far deeper meaning is found in the examination +of the great historic monuments of the city. The principal ones of +these are the Tower of London (just mentioned), the British Museum and +Westminster Abbey. No visitor to London should fail to see these. Indeed +he ought to feel that his visit to England is wasted unless he has seen +them. I speak strongly on the point because I feel strongly on it. To +my mind there is something about the grim fascination of the historic +Tower, the cloistered quiet of the Museum and the majesty of the ancient +Abbey, which will make it the regret of my life that I didn't see any +one of the three. I fully meant to: but I failed: and I can only hope +that the circumstances of my failure may be helpful to other visitors. + +The Tower of London I most certainly intended to inspect. Each day, +after the fashion of every tourist, I wrote for myself a little list of +things to do and I always put the Tower of London on it. No doubt the +reader knows the kind of little list that I mean. It runs: + + 1. Go to bank. + + 2. Buy a shirt. + + 3. National Picture Gallery. + + 4. Razor blades. + + 5. Tower of London. + + 6. Soap. + +This itinerary, I regret to say, was never carried out in full. I +was able at times both to go to the bank and buy a shirt in a single +morning: at other times I was able to buy razor blades and almost to +find the National Picture Gallery. Meantime I was urged on all sides by +my London acquaintances not to fail to see the Tower. "There's a grim +fascination about the place," they said; "you mustn't miss it." I am +quite certain that in due course of time I should have made my way to +the Tower but for the fact that I made a fatal discovery. I found out +that the London people who urged me to go and see the Tower had never +seen it themselves. It appears they never go near it. One night at a +dinner a man next to me said, "Have you seen the Tower? You really ought +to. There's a grim fascination about it." I looked him in the face. +"Have you seen it yourself?" I asked. "Oh, yes," he answered. "I've seen +it." "When?" I asked. The man hesitated. "When I was just a boy," he +said, "my father took me there." "How long ago is that?" I enquired. +"About forty years ago," he answered; + +"I always mean to go again but I don't somehow seem to get the time." + +After this I got to understand that when a Londoner says, "Have you seen +the Tower of London?" the answer is, "No, and neither have you." + +Take the parallel case of the British Museum. Here is a place that is +a veritable treasure house. A repository of some of the most priceless +historical relics to be found upon the earth. It contains, for instance, +the famous Papyrus Manuscript of Thotmes II of the first Egyptian +dynasty--a thing known to scholars all over the world as the oldest +extant specimen of what can be called writing; indeed one can here see +the actual evolution (I am quoting from a work of reference, or at +least from my recollection of it) from the ideographic cuneiform to the +phonetic syllabic script. Every time I have read about that manuscript +and have happened to be in Orillia (Ontario) or Schenectady (N.Y.) or +any such place, I have felt that I would be willing to take a whole trip +to England to have five minutes at the British Museum, just five, to +look at that papyrus. Yet as soon as I got to London this changed. The +railway stations of London have been so arranged that to get to any +train for the north or west, the traveller must pass the British Museum. +The first time I went by it in a taxi, I felt quite a thrill. "Inside +those walls," I thought to myself, "is the manuscript of Thotmes II." +The next time I actually stopped the taxi. "Is that the British Museum?" +I asked the driver, "I think it is something of the sort, sir," he +said. I hesitated. "Drive me," I said, "to where I can buy safety razor +blades." + +After that I was able to drive past the Museum with the quiet assurance +of a Londoner, and to take part in dinner table discussions as to +whether the British Museum or the Louvre contains the greater treasures. +It is quite easy any way. All you have to do is to remember that The +Winged Victory of Samothrace is in the Louvre and the papyrus of Thotmes +II (or some such document) is in the Museum. + +The Abbey, I admit, is indeed majestic. I did not intend to miss going +into it. But I felt, as so many tourists have, that I wanted to enter +it in the proper frame of mind. I never got into the frame of mind; at +least not when near the Abbey itself. I have been in exactly that frame +of mind when on State Street, Chicago, or on King Street, Toronto, or +anywhere three thousand miles away from the Abbey. But by bad luck I +never struck both the frame of mind and the Abbey at the same time. + +But the Londoners, after all, in not seeing their own wonders, are only +like the rest of the world. The people who live in Buffalo never go +to see Niagara Falls; people in Cleveland don't know which is Mr. +Rockefeller's house, and people live and even die in New York without +going up to the top of the Woolworth Building. And anyway the past +is remote and the present is near. I know a cab driver in the city of +Quebec whose business in life it is to drive people up to see the Plains +of Abraham, but unless they bother him to do it, he doesn't show them +the spot where Wolfe fell: what he does point out with real zest is the +place where the Mayor and the City Council sat on the wooden platform +that they put up for the municipal celebration last summer. + +No description of London would be complete without a reference, however +brief, to the singular salubrity and charm of the London climate. This +is seen at its best during the autumn and winter months. The climate of +London and indeed of England generally is due to the influence of the +Gulf Stream. The way it works is thus: The Gulf Stream, as it nears the +shores of the British Isles and feels the propinquity of Ireland, rises +into the air, turns into soup, and comes down on London. At times the +soup is thin and is in fact little more than a mist: at other times it +has the consistency of a thick Potage St. Germain. London people are a +little sensitive on the point and flatter their atmosphere by calling it +a fog: but it is not: it is soup. The notion that no sunlight ever gets +through and that in the London winter people never see the sun is +of course a ridiculous error, circulated no doubt by the jealousy of +foreign nations. I have myself seen the sun plainly visible in London, +without the aid of glasses, on a November day in broad daylight; and +again one night about four o'clock in the afternoon I saw the sun +distinctly appear through the clouds. The whole subject of daylight in +the London winter is, however, one which belongs rather to the technique +of astronomy than to a book of description. In practice daylight is +but little used. Electric lights are burned all the time in all houses, +buildings, railway stations and clubs. This practice which is now +universally observed is called Daylight Saving. + +But the distinction between day and night during the London winter is +still quite obvious to any one of an observant mind. It is indicated by +various signs such as the striking of clocks, the tolling of bells, the +closing of saloons, and the raising of taxi rates. It is much less easy +to distinguish the technical approach of night in the other cities of +England that lie outside the confines, physical and intellectual, of +London and live in a continuous gloom. In such places as the great +manufacturing cities, Buggingham-under-Smoke, or Gloomsbury-on-Ooze, +night may be said to be perpetual. + + ***** + +I had written the whole of the above chapter and looked on it as +finished when I realised that I had made a terrible omission. I +neglected to say anything about the Mind of London. This is a thing that +is always put into any book of discovery and observation and I can only +apologise for not having discussed it sooner. I am quite familiar with +other people's chapters on "The Mind of America," and "The Chinese +Mind," and so forth. Indeed, so far as I know it has turned out that +almost everybody all over the world has a mind. Nobody nowadays travels, +even in Central America or Thibet, without bringing back a chapter on +"The Mind of Costa Rica," or on the "Psychology of the Mongolian." Even +the gentler peoples such as the Burmese, the Siamese, the Hawaiians, and +the Russians, though they have no minds are written up as souls. + +It is quite obvious then that there is such a thing as the mind of +London: and it is all the more culpable in me to have neglected it in as +much as my editorial friend in New York had expressly mentioned it to +me before I sailed. "What," said he, leaning far over his desk after his +massive fashion and reaching out into the air, "what is in the minds of +these people? Are they," he added, half to himself, though I heard him, +"are they thinking? And, if they think, what do they think?" + +I did therefore, during my stay in London, make an accurate study of the +things that London seemed to be thinking about. As a comparative basis +for this study I brought with me a carefully selected list of the things +that New York was thinking about at the moment. These I selected +from the current newspapers in the proportions to the amount of space +allotted to each topic and the size of the heading that announced it. +Having thus a working idea of what I may call the mind of New York, I +was able to collect and set beside it a list of similar topics, taken +from the London Press to represent the mind of London. The two placed +side by side make an interesting piece of psychological analysis. They +read as follows: + + THE MIND OF NEW YORK THE MIND OF LONDON + What is it thinking? What is it thinking? + + 1. Do chorus girls make 1. Do chorus girls marry + good wives? well? + + 2. Is red hair a sign of 2. What is red hair a + temperament? sign of? + + 3. Can a woman be in 3. Can a man be in love + love with two men? with two women? + + 4. Is fat a sign of genius? 4. Is genius a sign of fat? + +Looking over these lists, I think it is better to present them without +comment; I feel sure that somewhere or other in them one should detect +the heart-throbs, the pulsations of two great peoples. But I don't get +it. In fact the two lists look to me terribly like "the mind of Costa +Rica." + +The same editor also advised me to mingle, at his expense, in the +brilliant intellectual life of England. "There," he said, "is a coterie +of men, probably the most brilliant group East of the Mississippi." (I +think he said the Mississippi). "You will find them," he said to me, +"brilliant, witty, filled with repartee." He suggested that I +should send him back, as far as words could express it, some of this +brilliance. I was very glad to be able to do this, although I fear +that the results were not at all what he had anticipated. Still, I held +conversations with these people and I gave him, in all truthfulness, the +result. Sir James Barrie said, "This is really very exceptional weather +for this time of year." Cyril Maude said, "And so a Martini cocktail +is merely gin and vermouth." Ian Hay said, "You'll find the underground +ever so handy once you understand it." + +I have a lot more of these repartees that I could insert here if it was +necessary. But somehow I feel that it is not. + + + + +IV. A Clear View of the Government and Politics of England + +A LOYAL British subject like myself in dealing with the government of +England should necessarily begin with a discussion of the monarchy. I +have never had the pleasure of meeting the King,--except once on the +G.T.R. platform in Orillia, Ontario, when he was the Duke of York and +I was one of the welcoming delegates of the town council. No doubt he +would recall it in a minute. + +But in England the King is surrounded by formality and circumstance. On +many mornings I waited round the gates of Buckingham Palace but I found +it quite impossible to meet the King in the quiet sociable way in which +one met him in Orillia. The English, it seems, love to make the kingship +a subject of great pomp and official etiquette. In Canada it is quite +different. Perhaps we understand kings and princes better than the +English do. At any rate we treat them in a far more human heart-to-heart +fashion than is the English custom, and they respond to it at once. I +remember when King George--he was, as I say, Duke of York then--came up +to Orillia, Ontario, how we all met him in a delegation on the platform. +Bob Curran--Bob was Mayor of the town that year--went up to him and +shook hands with him and invited him to come right on up to the Orillia +House where he had a room reserved for him. Charlie Janes and Mel +Tudhope and the other boys who were on the town Council gathered round +the royal prince and shook hands and told him that he simply must stay +over. George Rapley, the bank manager, said that if he wanted a cheque +cashed or anything of that sort to come right into the Royal Bank and +he would do it for him. The prince had two aides-de-camp with him and a +secretary, but Bob Curran said to bring them uptown too and it would be +all right. We had planned to have an oyster supper for the Prince at Jim +Smith's hotel and then take him either to the Y.M.C.A. Pool Room or else +over to the tea social in the basement of the Presbyterian Church. + +Unluckily the prince couldn't stay. It turned out that he had to get +right back into his train and go on to Peterborough, Ontario, where they +were to have a brass band to meet him, which naturally he didn't want to +miss. + +But the point is that it was a real welcome. And you could see that the +prince appreciated it. There was a warmth and a meaning to it that the +prince understood at once. It was a pity that he couldn't have stayed +over and had time to see the carriage factory and the new sewerage +plant. We all told the prince that he must come back and he said that if +he could he most certainly would. When the prince's train pulled out +of the station and we all went back uptown together (it was before +prohibition came to Ontario) you could feel that the institution of +royalty was quite solid in Orillia for a generation. + +But you don't get that sort of thing in England. + +There's a formality and coldness in all their dealings with royalty that +would never go down with us. They like to have the King come and open +Parliament dressed in royal robes, and with a clattering troop of +soldiers riding in front of him. As for taking him over to the Y.M.C.A. +to play pin pool, they never think of it. They have seen so much of the +mere outside of his kingship that they don't understand the heart of it +as we do in Canada. + +But let us turn to the House of Commons: for no description of England +would be complete without at least some mention of this interesting +body. Indeed for the ordinary visitor to London the greatest interest of +all attaches to the spacious and magnificent Parliament Buildings. The +House of Commons is commodiously situated beside the River Thames. The +principal features of the House are the large lunch room on the western +side and the tea-room on the terrace on the eastern. A series of smaller +luncheon rooms extend (apparently) all round about the premises: while a +commodious bar offers a ready access to the members at all hours of the +day. While any members are in the bar a light is kept burning in the +tall Clock Tower at one corner of the building, but when the bar is +closed the light is turned off by whichever of the Scotch members leaves +last. There is a handsome legislative chamber attached to the premises +from which--so the antiquarians tell us--the House of Commons took its +name. But it is not usual now for the members to sit in the legislative +chamber as the legislation is now all done outside, either at the home +of Mr. Lloyd George, or at the National Liberal Club, or at one or other +of the newspaper offices. The House, however, is called together at +very frequent intervals to give it an opportunity of hearing the latest +legislation and allowing the members to indulge in cheers, sighs, +groans, votes and other expressions of vitality. After having cheered as +much as is good for it, it goes back again to the lunch rooms and goes +on eating till needed again. + +It is, however, an entire exaggeration to say that the House of Commons +no longer has a real share in the government of England. This is not so. +Anybody connected with the government values the House of Commons in a +high degree. One of the leading newspaper proprietors of London himself +told me that he has always felt that if he had the House of Commons on +his side he had a very valuable ally. Many of the labour leaders are +inclined to regard the House of Commons as of great utility, while the +leading women's organizations, now that women are admitted as members, +may be said to regard the House as one of themselves. + +Looking around to find just where the natural service of the House of +Commons comes in, I am inclined to think that it must be in the practice +of "asking questions" in the House. Whenever anything goes wrong a +member rises and asks a question. He gets up, for example, with a little +paper in his hand, and asks the government if ministers are aware that +the Khedive of Egypt was seen yesterday wearing a Turkish Tarbosh. +Ministers say very humbly that they hadn't known it, and a thrill runs +through the whole country. The members can apparently ask any questions +they like. In the repeated visits which I made to the gallery of the +House of Commons I was unable to find any particular sense or meaning +in the questions asked, though no doubt they had an intimate bearing +on English politics not clear to an outsider like myself. I heard one +member ask the government whether they were aware that herrings were +being imported from Hamburg to Harwich. The government said no. Another +member rose and asked the government whether they considered Shakespere +or Moliere the greater dramatic artist. The government answered that +ministers were taking this under their earnest consideration and that +a report would be submitted to Parliament. Another member asked the +government if they knew who won the Queen's Plate this season at +Toronto. They did,--in fact this member got in wrong, as this is the +very thing that the government do know. Towards the close of the evening +a member rose and asked the government if they knew what time it was. +The Speaker, however, ruled this question out of order on the ground +that it had been answered before. + +The Parliament Buildings are so vast that it is not possible to state +with certainty what they do, or do not, contain. But it is generally +said that somewhere in the building is the House of Lords. When they +meet they are said to come together very quietly shortly before the +dinner hour, take a glass of dry sherry and a biscuit (they are all +abstemious men), reject whatever bills may be before them at the moment, +take another dry sherry and then adjourn for two years. + +The public are no longer allowed unrestricted access to the Houses of +Parliament; its approaches are now strictly guarded by policemen. In +order to obtain admission it is necessary either to (A) communicate +in writing with the Speaker of the House, enclosing certificates of +naturalization and proof of identity, or (B) give the policeman five +shillings. Method B is the one usually adopted. On great nights, +however, when the House of Commons is sitting and is about to do +something important, such as ratifying a Home Rule Bill or cheering, +or welcoming a new lady member, it is not possible to enter by merely +bribing the policeman with five shillings; it takes a pound. The English +people complain bitterly of the rich Americans who have in this way +corrupted the London public. Before they were corrupted they would do +anything for sixpence. + +This peculiar vein of corruption by the Americans runs like a thread, I +may say, through all the texture of English life. Among those who have +been principally exposed to it are the servants,--especially butlers and +chauffeurs, hotel porters, bell-boys, railway porters and guards, all +taxi-drivers, pew-openers, curates, bishops, and a large part of the +peerage. + +The terrible ravages that have been made by the Americans on English +morality are witnessed on every hand. Whole classes of society are +hopelessly damaged. I have it in the evidence of the English themselves +and there seems to be no doubt of the fact. Till the Americans came to +England the people were an honest, law-abiding race, respecting their +superiors and despising those below them. They had never been corrupted +by money and their employers extended to them in this regard their +tenderest solicitude. Then the Americans came. Servants ceased to be +what they were; butlers were hopelessly damaged; hotel porters became +a wreck; taxi-drivers turned out thieves; curates could no longer be +trusted to handle money; peers sold their daughters at a million dollars +a piece or three for two. In fact the whole kingdom began to deteriorate +till it got where it is now. At present after a rich American has stayed +in any English country house, its owners find that they can do +nothing with the butler; a wildness has come over the man. There is a +restlessness in his demeanour and a strange wistful look in his eye +as if seeking for something. In many cases, so I understand, after an +American has stayed in a country house the butler goes insane. He is +found in his pantry counting over the sixpence given to him by a Duke, +and laughing to himself. He has to be taken in charge by the police. +With him generally go the chauffeur, whose mind has broken down from +driving a rich American twenty miles; and the gardener, who is found +tearing up raspberry bushes by the roots to see if there is any money +under them; and the local curate whose brain has collapsed or expanded, +I forget which, when a rich American gave him fifty dollars for his soup +kitchen. + +There are, it is true, a few classes that have escaped this contagion, +shepherds living in the hills, drovers, sailors, fishermen and such +like. I remember the first time I went into the English country-side +being struck with the clean, honest look in the people's faces. I +realised exactly where they got it: they had never seen any Americans. +I remember speaking to an aged peasant down in Somerset. "Have you ever +seen any Americans?" "Nah," he said, "uz eeard a mowt o' 'em, zir, +but uz zeen nowt o' 'em." It was clear that the noble fellow was quite +undamaged by American contact. + +Now the odd thing about this corruption is that exactly the same idea is +held on the other side of the water. It is a known fact that if a young +English Lord comes to an American town he puts it to the bad in one +week. Socially the whole place goes to pieces. Girls whose parents are +in the hardware business and who used to call their father "pop" begin +to talk of precedence and whether a Duchess Dowager goes in to dinner +ahead of or behind a countess scavenger. After the young Lord has +attended two dances and one tea-social in the Methodist Church Sunday +School Building (Adults 25 cents, children 10 cents--all welcome.) there +is nothing for the young men of the town to do except to drive him out +or go further west. + +One can hardly wonder then that this general corruption has extended +even to the policemen who guard the Houses of Parliament. On the other +hand this vein of corruption has not extended to English politics. +Unlike ours, English politics,--one hears it on every hand,--are pure. +Ours unfortunately are known to be not so. The difference seems to +be that our politicians will do anything for money and the English +politicians won't; they just take the money and won't do a thing for it. + +Somehow there always seems to be a peculiar interest about English +political questions that we don't find elsewhere. At home in Canada our +politics turn on such things as how much money the Canadian National +Railways lose as compared with how much they could lose if they really +tried; on whether the Grain Growers of Manitoba should be allowed to +import ploughs without paying a duty or to pay a duty without importing +the ploughs. Our members at Ottawa discuss such things as highway +subsidies, dry farming, the Bank Act, and the tariff on hardware. These +things leave me absolutely cold. To be quite candid there is something +terribly plebeian about them. In short, our politics are what we call in +French "peuple." + +But when one turns to England, what a striking difference! The English, +with the whole huge British Empire to fish in and the European system to +draw upon, can always dig up some kind of political topic of discussion +that has a real charm about it. One month you find English politics +turning on the Oasis of Merv and the next on the hinterland of Albania; +or a member rises in the Commons with a little bit of paper in his hand +and desires to ask the foreign secretary if he is aware that the Ahkoond +of Swat is dead. The foreign secretary states that the government have +no information other than that the Ahkoond was dead a month ago. There +is a distinct sensation in the House at the realisation that the Ahkoond +has been dead a month without the House having known that he was alive. +The sensation is conveyed to the Press and the afternoon papers appear +with large headings, THE AHKOOND OF SWAT IS DEAD. The public who have +never heard of the Ahkoond bare their heads in a moment in a pause to +pray for the Ahkoond's soul. Then the cables take up the refrain and +word is flashed all over the world, The Ahkoond of Swat is Dead. + +There was a Canadian journalist and poet once who was so impressed with +the news that the Ahkoond was dead, so bowed down with regret that he +had never known the Ahkoond while alive, that he forthwith wrote a poem +in memory of The Ahkoond of Swat. I have always thought that the reason +of the wide admiration that Lannigan's verses received was not merely +because of the brilliant wit that is in them but because in a wider +sense they typify so beautifully the scope of English politics. The +death of the Ahkoond of Swat, and whether Great Britain should support +as his successor Mustalpha El Djin or Kamu Flaj,--there is something +worth talking of over an afternoon tea table. But suppose that the whole +of the Manitoba Grain Growers were to die. What could one say about it? +They'd be dead, that's all. + +So it is that people all over the world turn to English politics with +interest. What more delightful than to open an atlas, find out where the +new kingdom of Hejaz is, and then violently support the British claim to +a protectorate over it. Over in America we don't understand this sort of +thing. There is naturally little chance to do so and we don't know +how to use it when it comes. I remember that when a chance did come in +connection with the great Venezuela dispute over the ownership of the +jungles and mud-flats of British Guiana, the American papers at once +inserted headings, WHERE IS THE ESSIQUIBO RIVER? That spoiled the whole +thing. If you admit that you don't know where a place is, then the +bottom is knocked out of all discussion. But if you pretend that you do, +then you are all right. Mr. Lloyd George is said to have caused great +amusement at the Versailles Conference by admitting that he hadn't known +where Teschen was. So at least it was reported in the papers; and for +all I know it might even have been true. But the fun that he raised was +not really half what could have been raised. I have it on good authority +that two of the American delegates hadn't known where Austria Proper +was and thought that Unredeemed Italy was on the East side of New York, +while the Chinese Delegate thought that the Cameroons were part of +Scotland. But it is these little geographic niceties that lend a charm +to European politics that ours lack forever. + +I don't mean to say the English politics always turn on romantic places +or on small questions. They don't. They often include questions of the +largest order. But when the English introduce a really large question as +the basis of their politics they like to select one that is insoluble. +This guarantees that it will last. Take for example the rights of the +Crown as against the people. That lasted for one hundred years,--all the +seventeenth century. In Oklahoma or in Alberta they would have called a +convention on the question, settled it in two weeks and spoiled it for +further use. In the same way the Protestant Reformation was used for a +hundred years and the Reform Bill for a generation. + +At the present time the genius of the English for politics has selected +as their insoluble political question the topic of the German indemnity. +The essence of the problem as I understand it may be stated as follows: + +It was definitely settled by the Conference at Versailles that Germany +is to pay the Allies 3,912,486,782,421 marks. I think that is the +correct figure, though of course I am speaking only from memory. At any +rate, the correct figure is within a hundred billion marks of the above. + +The sum to be paid was not reached without a great deal of discussion. +Monsieur Briand, the French Minister, is reported to have thrown out the +figure 4,281,390,687,471. But Mr. Lloyd George would not pick it up. Nor +do I blame him unless he had a basket to pick it up with. + +Lloyd George's point of view was that the Germans could very properly +pay a limited amount such as 3,912,486,782,421 marks, but it was not +feasible to put on them a burden of 4,281,390,687,471 marks. + +By the way, if any one at this point doubts the accuracy of the figures +just given, all he has to do is to take the amount of the indemnity as +stated in gold marks and then multiply it by the present value of the +mark and he will find to his chagrin that the figures are correct. If he +is still not satisfied I refer him to a book of Logarithms. If he is not +satisfied with that I refer him to any work on conic sections and if not +convinced even then I refer him so far that he will never come back. + +The indemnity being thus fixed, the next question is as to the method of +collecting it. In the first place there is no intention of allowing the +Germans to pay in actual cash. If they do this they will merely inflate +the English beyond what is bearable. England has been inflated now for +eight years and has had enough of it. + +In the second place, it is understood that it will not do to allow the +Germans to offer 4,218, 390,687,471 marks' worth of coal. It is more +than the country needs. + +What is more, if the English want coal they propose to buy it in an +ordinary decent way from a Christian coal-dealer in their own country. +They do not purpose to ruin their own coal industry for the sake of +building up the prosperity of the German nation. + +What I say of coal is applied with equal force to any offers of food, +grain, oil, petroleum, gas, or any other natural product. Payment in any +of these will be sternly refused. Even now it is all the British farmers +can do to live and for some it is more. Many of them are having to sell +off their motors and pianos and to send their sons to college to work. +At the same time, the German producer by depressing the mark further and +further is able to work fourteen hours a day. This argument may not be +quite correct but I take it as I find it in the London Press. Whether +I state it correctly or not, it is quite plain that the problem is +insoluble. That is all that is needed in first class politics. + +A really good question like the German reparation question will go on +for a century. Undoubtedly in the year 2000 A.D., a British Chancellor +of the Exchequer will still be explaining that the government is fully +resolved that Germany shall pay to the last farthing (cheers): but that +ministers have no intention of allowing the German payment to take a +form that will undermine British industry (wild applause): that the +German indemnity shall be so paid that without weakening the power of +the Germans, to buy from us it shall increase our power of selling to +them. + +Such questions last forever. + +On the other hand sometimes by sheer carelessness a question gets +settled and passes out of politics. This, so we are given to understand, +has happened to the Irish question. It is settled. A group of Irish +delegates and British ministers got together round a table and settled +it. The settlement has since been celebrated at a demonstration of +brotherhood by the Irish Americans of New York with only six casualties. +Henceforth the Irish question passes into history. There may be some odd +fighting along the Ulster border, or a little civil war with perhaps +a little revolution every now and then, but as a question the thing is +finished. + +I must say that I for one am very sorry to think that the Irish question +is gone. We shall miss it greatly. Debating societies which have +flourished on it ever since 1886 will be wrecked for want of it. Dinner +parties will now lose half the sparkle of their conversation. It will be +no longer possible to make use of such good old remarks as, "After all +the Irish are a gifted people," or, "You must remember that fifty per +cent of the great English generals were Irish." + +The settlement turned out to be a very simple affair. Ireland was merely +given dominion status. What that is, no one knows, but it means that the +Irish have now got it and that they sink from the high place that they +had in the white light of publicity to the level of the Canadians or the +New Zealanders. + +Whether it is quite a proper thing to settle trouble by conferring +dominion status on it, is open to question. It is a practice that is +bound to spread. It is rumoured that it is now contemplated to confer +dominion status upon the Borough of Poplar and on the Cambridge +undergraduates. It is even understood that at the recent disarmament +conference England offered to confer dominion status on the United +States. President Harding would assuredly have accepted it at once but +for the protest of Mr. Briand, who claimed that any such offer must be +accompanied by a permission to increase the French fire-brigade by fifty +per cent. + +It is lamentable, too, that at the very same moment when the Irish +question was extinguished, the Naval Question which had lasted for +nearly fifty years was absolutely obliterated by disarmament. Henceforth +the alarm of invasion is a thing of the past and the navy practically +needless. Beyond keeping a fleet in the North Sea and one on the +Mediterranean, and maintaining a patrol all round the rim of the Pacific +Ocean, Britain will cease to be a naval power. A mere annual expenditure +of fifty million pounds sterling will suffice for such thin pretence of +naval preparedness as a disarmed nation will have to maintain. + +This thing too, came as a surprise, or at least a surprise to the +general public who are unaware of the workings of diplomacy. Those who +know about such things were fully aware of what would happen if a whole +lot of British sailors and diplomatists and journalists were exposed +to the hospitalities of Washington. The British and Americans are both +alike. You can't drive them or lead them or coerce them, but if you give +them a cigar they'll do anything. The inner history of the conference is +only just beginning to be known. But it is whispered that immediately +on his arrival Mr. Balfour was given a cigar by President Harding. Mr. +Balfour at once offered to scrap five ships, and invited the entire +American cabinet into the British Embassy, where Sir A. Geddes was rash +enough to offer them champagne. + +The American delegates immediately offered to scrap ten ships. Mr. +Balfour, who simply cannot be outdone in international courtesy, saw the +ten and raised it to twenty. President Harding saw the twenty, raised it +to thirty, and sent out for more poker chips. + +At the close of the play Lord Beatty, who is urbanity itself, offered +to scrap Portsmouth Dockyard, and asked if anybody present would like +Canada. President Harding replied with his customary tact that if +England wanted the Philippines, he would think it what he would term a +residuum of normalcy to give them away. There is no telling what might +have happened had not Mr. Briand interposed to say that any transfer +of the Philippines must be regarded as a signal for a twenty per cent +increase in the Boy Scouts of France. As a tactful conclusion to the +matter President Harding raised Mr. Balfour to the peerage. + +As things are, disarmament coming along with the Irish settlement, +leaves English politics in a bad way. The general outlook is too +peaceful altogether. One looks round almost in vain for any of those +"strained relations" which used to be the very basis of English foreign +policy. In only one direction do I see light for English politics, and +that is over towards Czecho-Slovakia. It appears that Czecho-Slovakia +owes the British Exchequer fifty million sterling. I cannot quote the +exact figure, but it is either fifty million or fifty billion. In either +case Czecho-Slovakia is unable to pay. The announcement has just been +made by M. Sgitzch, the new treasurer, that the country is bankrupt or +at least that he sees his way to make it so in a week. + +It has been at once reported in City circles that there are "strained +relations" between Great Britain and Czecho-Slovakia. Now what I advise +is, that if the relations are strained, keep them so. England has lost +nearly all the strained relations she ever had; let her cherish the few +that she still has. I know that there are other opinions. The suggestion +has been at once made for a "round table conference," at which the whole +thing can be freely discussed without formal protocols and something +like a "gentleman's agreement" reached. I say, don't do it. England is +being ruined by these round table conferences. They are sitting round in +Cairo and Calcutta and Capetown, filling all the best hotels and eating +out the substance of the taxpayer. + +I am told that Lloyd George has offered to go to Czecho-Slovakia. He +should be stopped. It is said that Professor Keynes has proved that +the best way to deal with the debt of Czecho-Slovakia is to send them +whatever cash we have left, thereby turning the exchange upside down +on them, and forcing them to buy all their Christmas presents in +Manchester. + +It is wiser not to do anything of the sort. England should send them +a good old-fashioned ultimatum, mobilise all the naval officers at the +Embankment hotels, raise the income tax another sixpence, and defy them. + +If that were done it might prove a successful first step in bringing +English politics back to the high plane of conversational interest from +which they are threatening to fall. + + + + +V. Oxford as I See It + +MY private station being that of a university professor, I was naturally +deeply interested in the system of education in England. I was therefore +led to make a special visit to Oxford and to submit the place to a +searching scrutiny. Arriving one afternoon at four o'clock, I stayed at +the Mitre Hotel and did not leave until eleven o'clock next morning. +The whole of this time, except for one hour spent in addressing the +undergraduates, was devoted to a close and eager study of the great +university. When I add to this that I had already visited Oxford in 1907 +and spent a Sunday at All Souls with Colonel L. S. Amery, it will +be seen at once that my views on Oxford are based upon observations +extending over fourteen years. + +At any rate I can at least claim that my acquaintance with the British +university is just as good a basis for reflection and judgment as that +of the numerous English critics who come to our side of the water. I +have known a famous English author to arrive at Harvard University in +the morning, have lunch with President Lowell, and then write a whole +chapter on the Excellence of Higher Education in America. I have known +another one come to Harvard, have lunch with President Lowell, and do an +entire book on the Decline of Serious Study in America. Or take the case +of my own university. I remember Mr. Rudyard Kipling coming to McGill +and saying in his address to the undergraduates at 2.30 P.M., "You +have here a great institution." But how could he have gathered this +information? As far as I know he spent the entire morning with Sir +Andrew Macphail in his house beside the campus, smoking cigarettes. When +I add that he distinctly refused to visit the Palaeontologic Museum, +that he saw nothing of our new hydraulic apparatus, or of our classes +in Domestic Science, his judgment that we had here a great institution +seems a little bit superficial. I can only put beside it, to redeem it +in some measure, the hasty and ill-formed judgment expressed by Lord +Milner, "McGill is a noble university": and the rash and indiscreet +expression of the Prince of Wales, when we gave him an LL.D. degree, +"McGill has a glorious future." + +To my mind these unthinking judgments about our great college do harm, +and I determined, therefore, that anything that I said about Oxford +should be the result of the actual observation and real study based upon +a bona fide residence in the Mitre Hotel. + +On the strength of this basis of experience I am prepared to make +the following positive and emphatic statements. Oxford is a noble +university. It has a great past. It is at present the greatest +university in the world: and it is quite possible that it has a great +future. Oxford trains scholars of the real type better than any other +place in the world. Its methods are antiquated. It despises science. Its +lectures are rotten. It has professors who never teach and students who +never learn. It has no order, no arrangement, no system. Its curriculum +is unintelligible. It has no president. It has no state legislature to +tell it how to teach, and yet,--it gets there. Whether we like it +or not, Oxford gives something to its students, a life and a mode of +thought, which in America as yet we can emulate but not equal. + +If anybody doubts this let him go and take a room at the Mitre Hotel +(ten and six for a wainscotted bedroom, period of Charles I) and study +the place for himself. + +These singular results achieved at Oxford are all the more surprising +when one considers the distressing conditions under which the students +work. The lack of an adequate building fund compels them to go on +working in the same old buildings which they have had for centuries. +The buildings at Brasenose College have not been renewed since the year +1525. In New College and Magdalen the students are still housed in the +old buildings erected in the sixteenth century. At Christ Church I was +shown a kitchen which had been built at the expense of Cardinal Wolsey +in 1527. Incredible though it may seem, they have no other place to cook +in than this and are compelled to use it to-day. On the day when I +saw this kitchen, four cooks were busy roasting an ox whole for the +students' lunch: this at least is what I presumed they were doing from +the size of the fire-place used, but it may not have been an ox; perhaps +it was a cow. On a huge table, twelve feet by six and made of slabs of +wood five inches thick, two other cooks were rolling out a game pie. I +estimated it as measuring three feet across. In this rude way, unchanged +since the time of Henry VIII, the unhappy Oxford students are fed. I +could not help contrasting it with the cosy little boarding houses +on Cottage Grove Avenue where I used to eat when I was a student at +Chicago, or the charming little basement dining-rooms of the students' +boarding houses in Toronto. But then, of course, Henry VIII never lived +in Toronto. + +The same lack of a building-fund necessitates the Oxford students, +living in the identical old boarding houses they had in the sixteenth +and seventeenth centuries. Technically they are called "quadrangles," +"closes" and "rooms"; but I am so broken in to the usage of my student +days that I can't help calling them boarding houses. In many of these +the old stairway has been worn down by the feet of ten generations of +students: the windows have little latticed panes: there are old names +carved here and there upon the stone, and a thick growth of ivy covers +the walls. The boarding house at St. John's College dates from 1509, the +one at Christ Church from the same period. A few hundred thousand pounds +would suffice to replace these old buildings with neat steel and brick +structures like the normal school at Schenectady, N.Y., or the Peel +Street High School at Montreal. But nothing is done. A movement was +indeed attempted last autumn towards removing the ivy from the walls, +but the result was unsatisfactory and they are putting it back. Any one +could have told them beforehand that the mere removal of the ivy would +not brighten Oxford up, unless at the same time one cleared the stones +of the old inscriptions, put in steel fire-escapes, and in fact brought +the boarding houses up to date. + +But Henry VIII being dead, nothing was done. Yet in spite of its +dilapidated buildings and its lack of fire-escapes, ventilation, +sanitation, and up-to-date kitchen facilities, I persist in my assertion +that I believe that Oxford, in its way, is the greatest university +in the world. I am aware that this is an extreme statement and needs +explanation. Oxford is much smaller in numbers, for example, than the +State University of Minnesota, and is much poorer. It has, or had till +yesterday, fewer students than the University of Toronto. To mention +Oxford beside the 26,000 students of Columbia University sounds +ridiculous. In point of money, the 39,000,000 dollar endowment of the +University of Chicago, and the $35,000,000 one of Columbia, and the +$43,000,000 of Harvard seem to leave Oxford nowhere. Yet the peculiar +thing is that it is not nowhere. By some queer process of its own it +seems to get there every time. It was therefore of the very greatest +interest to me, as a profound scholar, to try to investigate just how +this peculiar excellence of Oxford arises. + +It can hardly be due to anything in the curriculum or programme +of studies. Indeed, to any one accustomed to the best models of a +university curriculum as it flourishes in the United States and Canada, +the programme of studies is frankly quite laughable. There is +less Applied Science in the place than would be found with us in a +theological college. Hardly a single professor at Oxford would recognise +a dynamo if he met it in broad daylight. The Oxford student learns +nothing of chemistry, physics, heat, plumbing, electric wiring, +gas-fitting or the use of a blow-torch. Any American college student +can run a motor car, take a gasoline engine to pieces, fix a washer on a +kitchen tap, mend a broken electric bell, and give an expert opinion on +what has gone wrong with the furnace. It is these things indeed which +stamp him as a college man, and occasion a very pardonable pride in the +minds of his parents. + +But in all these things the Oxford student is the merest amateur. + +This is bad enough. But after all one might say this is only the +mechanical side of education. True: but one searches in vain in the +Oxford curriculum for any adequate recognition of the higher and more +cultured studies. Strange though it seems to us on this side of +the Atlantic, there are no courses at Oxford in Housekeeping, or in +Salesmanship, or in Advertising, or on Comparative Religion, or on +the influence of the Press. There are no lectures whatever on Human +Behaviour, on Altruism, on Egotism, or on the Play of Wild Animals. +Apparently, the Oxford student does not learn these things. This cuts +him off from a great deal of the larger culture of our side of the +Atlantic. "What are you studying this year?" I once asked a fourth year +student at one of our great colleges. "I am electing Salesmanship and +Religion," he answered. Here was a young man whose training was destined +inevitably to turn him into a moral business man: either that or +nothing. At Oxford Salesmanship is not taught and Religion takes the +feeble form of the New Testament. The more one looks at these things the +more amazing it becomes that Oxford can produce any results at all. + +The effect of the comparison is heightened by the peculiar position +occupied at Oxford by the professors' lectures. In the colleges of +Canada and the United States the lectures are supposed to be a really +necessary and useful part of the student's training. Again and again I +have heard the graduates of my own college assert that they had got +as much, or nearly as much, out of the lectures at college as out of +athletics or the Greek letter society or the Banjo and Mandolin Club. +In short, with us the lectures form a real part of the college life. At +Oxford it is not so. The lectures, I understand, are given and may even +be taken. But they are quite worthless and are not supposed to have +anything much to do with the development of the student's mind. "The +lectures here," said a Canadian student to me, "are punk." I appealed to +another student to know if this was so. "I don't know whether I'd call +them exactly punk," he answered, "but they're certainly rotten." Other +judgments were that the lectures were of no importance: that nobody took +them: that they don't matter: that you can take them if you like: that +they do you no harm. + +It appears further that the professors themselves are not keen on their +lectures. If the lectures are called for they give them; if not, the +professor's feelings are not hurt. He merely waits and rests his brain +until in some later year the students call for his lectures. There are +men at Oxford who have rested their brains this way for over thirty +years: the accumulated brain power thus dammed up is said to be +colossal. + +I understand that the key to this mystery is found in the operations of +the person called the tutor. It is from him, or rather with him, that +the students learn all that they know: one and all are agreed on that. +Yet it is a little odd to know just how he does it. "We go over to his +rooms," said one student, "and he just lights a pipe and talks to us." +"We sit round with him," said another, "and he simply smokes and goes +over our exercises with us." From this and other evidence I gather that +what an Oxford tutor does is to get a little group of students together +and smoke at them. Men who have been systematically smoked at for four +years turn into ripe scholars. If anybody doubts this, let him go to +Oxford and he can see the thing actually in operation. A well-smoked man +speaks, and writes English with a grace that can be acquired in no other +way. + +In what was said above, I seem to have been directing criticism against +the Oxford professors as such: but I have no intention of doing so. For +the Oxford professor and his whole manner of being I have nothing but +a profound respect. There is indeed the greatest difference between the +modern up-to-date American idea of a professor and the English type. But +even with us in older days, in the bygone time when such people as Henry +Wadsworth Longfellow were professors, one found the English idea; a +professor was supposed to be a venerable kind of person, with snow-white +whiskers reaching to his stomach. He was expected to moon around the +campus oblivious of the world around him. If you nodded to him he failed +to see you. Of money he knew nothing; of business, far less. He was, as +his trustees were proud to say of him, "a child." + +On the other hand he contained within him a reservoir of learning of +such depth as to be practically bottomless. None of this learning was +supposed to be of any material or commercial benefit to anybody. Its use +was in saving the soul and enlarging the mind. + +At the head of such a group of professors was one whose beard was even +whiter and longer, whose absence of mind was even still greater, and +whose knowledge of money, business, and practical affairs was below +zero. Him they made the president. + +All this is changed in America. A university professor is now a busy, +hustling person, approximating as closely to a business man as he can +do it. It is on the business man that he models himself. He has a +little place that he calls his "office," with a typewriter machine and +a stenographer. Here he sits and dictates letters, beginning after the +best business models, "in re yours of the eighth ult., would say, etc., +etc." He writes these letters to students, to his fellow professors, to +the president, indeed to any people who will let him write to them. The +number of letters that he writes each month is duly counted and set +to his credit. If he writes enough he will get a reputation as an +"executive," and big things may happen to him. He may even be asked +to step out of the college and take a post as an "executive" in a soap +company or an advertising firm. The man, in short, is a "hustler," an +"advertiser" whose highest aim is to be a "live-wire." If he is not, he +will presently be dismissed, or, to use the business term, be "let go," +by a board of trustees who are themselves hustlers and live-wires. As to +the professor's soul, he no longer needs to think of it as it has been +handed over along with all the others to a Board of Censors. + +The American professor deals with his students according to his lights. +It is his business to chase them along over a prescribed ground at a +prescribed pace like a flock of sheep. They all go humping together over +the hurdles with the professor chasing them with a set of "tests" and +"recitations," "marks" and "attendances," the whole apparatus obviously +copied from the time-clock of the business man's factory. This process +is what is called "showing results." The pace set is necessarily that +of the slowest, and thus results in what I have heard Mr. Edward Beatty +describe as the "convoy system of education." + +In my own opinion, reached after fifty-two years of profound reflection, +this system contains in itself the seeds of destruction. It puts a +premium on dulness and a penalty on genius. It circumscribes that +latitude of mind which is the real spirit of learning. If we persist +in it we shall presently find that true learning will fly away from our +universities and will take rest wherever some individual and enquiring +mind can mark out its path for itself. + +Now the principal reason why I am led to admire Oxford is that the place +is little touched as yet by the measuring of "results," and by this +passion for visible and provable "efficiency." The whole system at +Oxford is such as to put a premium on genius and to let mediocrity and +dulness go their way. On the dull student Oxford, after a proper lapse +of time, confers a degree which means nothing more than that he lived +and breathed at Oxford and kept out of jail. This for many students is +as much as society can expect. But for the gifted students Oxford offers +great opportunities. There is no question of his hanging back till the +last sheep has jumped over the fence. He need wait for no one. He may +move forward as fast as he likes, following the bent of his genius. If +he has in him any ability beyond that of the common herd, his tutor, +interested in his studies, will smoke at him until he kindles him into +a flame. For the tutor's soul is not harassed by herding dull students, +with dismissal hanging by a thread over his head in the class room. The +American professor has no time to be interested in a clever student. He +has time to be interested in his "deportment," his letter-writing, his +executive work, and his organising ability and his hope of promotion +to a soap factory. But with that his mind is exhausted. The student of +genius merely means to him a student who gives no trouble, who passes +all his "tests," and is present at all his "recitations." Such a student +also, if he can be trained to be a hustler and an advertiser, will +undoubtedly "make good." But beyond that the professor does not think +of him. The everlasting principle of equality has inserted itself in a +place where it has no right to be, and where inequality is the breath of +life. + +American or Canadian college trustees would be horrified at the notion +of professors who apparently do no work, give few or no lectures and +draw their pay merely for existing. Yet these are really the only kind +of professors worth having,--I mean, men who can be trusted with a vague +general mission in life, with a salary guaranteed at least till their +death, and a sphere of duties entrusted solely to their own consciences +and the promptings of their own desires. Such men are rare, but a +single one of them, when found, is worth ten "executives" and a dozen +"organisers." + +The excellence of Oxford, then, as I see it, lies in the peculiar +vagueness of the organisation of its work. It starts from the assumption +that the professor is a really learned man whose sole interest lies in +his own sphere: and that a student, or at least the only student with +whom the university cares to reckon seriously, is a young man who +desires to know. This is an ancient mediaeval attitude long since +buried in more up-to-date places under successive strata of compulsory +education, state teaching, the democratisation of knowledge and the +substitution of the shadow for the substance, and the casket for the +gem. No doubt, in newer places the thing has got to be so. Higher +education in America flourishes chiefly as a qualification for entrance +into a money-making profession, and not as a thing in itself. But in +Oxford one can still see the surviving outline of a nobler type of +structure and a higher inspiration. + +I do not mean to say, however, that my judgment of Oxford is one +undiluted stream of praise. In one respect at least I think that Oxford +has fallen away from the high ideals of the Middle Ages. I refer to the +fact that it admits women students to its studies. In the Middle Ages +women were regarded with a peculiar chivalry long since lost. It was +taken for granted that their brains were too delicately poised to +allow them to learn anything. It was presumed that their minds were +so exquisitely hung that intellectual effort might disturb them. The +present age has gone to the other extreme: and this is seen nowhere more +than in the crowding of women into colleges originally designed for men. +Oxford, I regret to find, has not stood out against this change. + +To a profound scholar like myself, the presence of these young women, +many of them most attractive, flittering up and down the streets of +Oxford in their caps and gowns, is very distressing. + +Who is to blame for this and how they first got in I do not know. But I +understand that they first of all built a private college of their own +close to Oxford, and then edged themselves in foot by foot. If this is +so they only followed up the precedent of the recognised method in use +in America. When an American college is established, the women go and +build a college of their own overlooking the grounds. Then they put on +becoming caps and gowns and stand and look over the fence at the college +athletics. The male undergraduates, who were originally and by nature a +hardy lot, were not easily disturbed. But inevitably some of the senior +trustees fell in love with the first year girls and became convinced +that coeducation was a noble cause. American statistics show that +between 1880 and 1900 the number of trustees and senior professors who +married girl undergraduates or who wanted to do so reached a percentage +of,--I forget the exact percentage; it was either a hundred or a little +over. + +I don't know just what happened at Oxford but presumably something of +the sort took place. In any case the women are now all over the +place. They attend the college lectures, they row in a boat, and +they perambulate the High Street. They are even offering a serious +competition against the men. Last year they carried off the ping-pong +championship and took the chancellor's prize for needlework, while in +music, cooking and millinery the men are said to be nowhere. + +There is no doubt that unless Oxford puts the women out while there is +yet time, they will overrun the whole university. What this means to the +progress of learning few can tell and those who know are afraid to say. + +Cambridge University, I am glad to see, still sets its face sternly +against this innovation. I am reluctant to count any superiority in the +University of Cambridge. Having twice visited Oxford, having made the +place a subject of profound study for many hours at a time, having twice +addressed its undergraduates, and having stayed at the Mitre Hotel, +I consider myself an Oxford man. But I must admit that Cambridge has +chosen the wiser part. + +Last autumn, while I was in London on my voyage of discovery, a vote +was taken at Cambridge to see if the women who have already a private +college nearby, should be admitted to the university. They were +triumphantly shut out; and as a fit and proper sign of enthusiasm the +undergraduates went over in a body and knocked down the gates of the +women's college. I know that it is a terrible thing to say that any +one approved of this. All the London papers came out with headings +that read,--ARE OUR UNDERGRADUATES TURNING INTO BABOONS? and so on. +The Manchester Guardian draped its pages in black and even the London +Morning Post was afraid to take bold ground in the matter. But I do know +also that there was a great deal of secret chuckling and jubilation in +the London clubs. Nothing was expressed openly. The men of England have +been too terrorised by the women for that. + +But in safe corners of the club, out of earshot of the waiters and away +from casual strangers, little groups of elderly men chuckled quietly +together. "Knocked down their gates, eh?" said the wicked old men to one +another, and then whispered guiltily behind an uplifted hand, "Serve 'em +right." Nobody dared to say anything outside. If they had some one would +have got up and asked a question in the House of Commons. When this is +done all England falls flat upon its face. + +But for my part when I heard of the Cambridge vote, I felt as Lord +Chatham did when he said in parliament, "Sir, I rejoice that America +has resisted." For I have long harboured views of my own upon the +higher education of women. In these days, however, it requires no little +hardihood to utter a single word of criticism against it. It is like +throwing half a brick through the glass roof of a conservatory. It is +bound to make trouble. Let me hasten, therefore, to say that I believe +most heartily in the higher education of women; in fact, the higher the +better. The only question to my mind is: What is "higher education" +and how do you get it? With which goes the secondary enquiry, What is +a woman and is she just the same as a man? I know that it sounds a +terrible thing to say in these days, but I don't believe she is. + +Let me say also that when I speak of coeducation I speak of what I +know. I was coeducated myself some thirty-five years ago, at the very +beginning of the thing. I learned my Greek alongside of a bevy of beauty +on the opposite benches that mashed up the irregular verbs for us very +badly. Incidentally, those girls are all married long since, and all +the Greek they know now you could put under a thimble. But of that +presently. + +I have had further experience as well. I spent three years in the +graduate school of Chicago, where coeducational girls were as thick as +autumn leaves, and some thicker. And as a college professor at McGill +University in Montreal, I have taught mingled classes of men and women +for twenty years. + +On the basis of which experience I say with assurance that the thing is +a mistake and has nothing to recommend it but its relative cheapness. +Let me emphasise this last point and have done with it. Coeducation is +of course a great economy. To teach ten men and ten women in a single +class of twenty costs only half as much as to teach two classes. +Where economy must rule, then, the thing has got to be. But where the +discussion turns not on what is cheapest, but on what is best, then the +case is entirely different. + +The fundamental trouble is that men and women are different creatures, +with different minds and different aptitudes and different paths in +life. There is no need to raise here the question of which is superior +and which is inferior (though I think, the Lord help me, I know the +answer to that too). The point lies in the fact that they are different. + +But the mad passion for equality has masked this obvious fact. When +women began to demand, quite rightly, a share in higher education, they +took for granted that they wanted the same curriculum as the men. +They never stopped to ask whether their aptitudes were not in various +directions higher and better than those of the men, and whether it might +not be better for their sex to cultivate the things which were best +suited to their minds. Let me be more explicit. In all that goes with +physical and mathematical science, women, on the average, are far below +the standard of men. There are, of course, exceptions. But they prove +nothing. It is no use to quote to me the case of some brilliant girl who +stood first in physics at Cornell. That's nothing. There is an elephant +in the zoo that can count up to ten, yet I refuse to reckon myself his +inferior. + +Tabulated results spread over years, and the actual experience of those +who teach show that in the whole domain of mathematics and physics women +are outclassed. At McGill the girls of our first year have wept over +their failures in elementary physics these twenty-five years. It is time +that some one dried their tears and took away the subject. + +But, in any case, examination tests are never the whole story. To those +who know, a written examination is far from being a true criterion of +capacity. It demands too much of mere memory, imitativeness, and the +insidious willingness to absorb other people's ideas. Parrots and crows +would do admirably in examinations. Indeed, the colleges are full of +them. + +But take, on the other hand, all that goes with the aesthetic side of +education, with imaginative literature and the cult of beauty. Here +women are, or at least ought to be, the superiors of men. Women were in +primitive times the first story-tellers. They are still so at the cradle +side. The original college woman was the witch, with her incantations +and her prophecies and the glow of her bright imagination, and if +brutal men of duller brains had not burned it out of her, she would be +incanting still. To my thinking, we need more witches in the colleges +and less physics. + +I have seen such young witches myself,--if I may keep the word: I like +it,--in colleges such as Wellesley in Massachusetts and Bryn Mawr in +Pennsylvania, where there isn't a man allowed within the three mile +limit. To my mind, they do infinitely better thus by themselves. They +are freer, less restrained. They discuss things openly in their classes; +they lift up their voices, and they speak, whereas a girl in such a +place as McGill, with men all about her, sits for four years as silent +as a frog full of shot. + +But there is a deeper trouble still. The careers of the men and +women who go to college together are necessarily different, and the +preparation is all aimed at the man's career. The men are going to be +lawyers, doctors, engineers, business men, and politicians. And the +women are not. + +There is no use pretending about it. It may sound an awful thing to say, +but the women are going to be married. That is, and always has been, +their career; and, what is more, they know it; and even at college, +while they are studying algebra and political economy, they have their +eye on it sideways all the time. The plain fact is that, after a girl +has spent four years of her time and a great deal of her parents' money +in equipping herself for a career that she is never going to have, the +wretched creature goes and gets married, and in a few years she has +forgotten which is the hypotenuse of a right-angled triangle, and she +doesn't care. She has much better things to think of. + +At this point some one will shriek: "But surely, even for marriage, +isn't it right that a girl should have a college education?" To which I +hasten to answer: most assuredly. I freely admit that a girl who knows +algebra, or once knew it, is a far more charming companion and a nobler +wife and mother than a girl who doesn't know x from y. But the point is +this: Does the higher education that fits a man to be a lawyer also fit +a person to be a wife and mother? Or, in other words, is a lawyer a wife +and mother? I say he is not. Granted that a girl is to spend four years +in time and four thousand dollars in money in going to college, why +train her for a career that she is never going to adopt? Why not give +her an education that will have a meaning and a harmony with the real +life that she is to follow? + +For example, suppose that during her four years every girl lucky +enough to get a higher education spent at least six months of it in +the training and discipline of a hospital as a nurse. There is more +education and character making in that than in a whole bucketful of +algebra. + +But no, the woman insists on snatching her share of an education +designed by Erasmus or William of Wykeham or William of Occam for the +creation of scholars and lawyers; and when later on in her home there is +a sudden sickness or accident, and the life or death of those nearest to +her hangs upon skill and knowledge and a trained fortitude in emergency, +she must needs send in all haste for a hired woman to fill the place +that she herself has never learned to occupy. + +But I am not here trying to elaborate a whole curriculum. I am only +trying to indicate that higher education for the man is one thing, for +the woman another. Nor do I deny the fact that women have got to earn +their living. Their higher education must enable them to do that. They +cannot all marry on their graduation day. But that is no great matter. +No scheme of education that any one is likely to devise will fail in +this respect. + +The positions that they hold as teachers or civil servants they would +fill all the better if their education were fitted to their wants. + +Some few, a small minority, really and truly "have a +career,"--husbandless and childless,--in which the sacrifice is great +and the honour to them, perhaps, all the higher. And others no doubt +dream of a career in which a husband and a group of blossoming children +are carried as an appendage to a busy life at the bar or on the +platform. But all such are the mere minority, so small as to make no +difference to the general argument. + +But there--I have written quite enough to make plenty of trouble except +perhaps at Cambridge University. So I return with relief to my general +study of Oxford. Viewing the situation as a whole, I am led then to the +conclusion that there must be something in the life of Oxford itself +that makes for higher learning. Smoked at by his tutor, fed in Henry +VIII's kitchen, and sleeping in a tangle of ivy, the student evidently +gets something not easily obtained in America. And the more I reflect +on the matter the more I am convinced that it is the sleeping in the ivy +that does it. How different it is from student life as I remember it! + +When I was a student at the University of Toronto thirty years ago, I +lived,--from start to finish,--in seventeen different boarding houses. +As far as I am aware these houses have not, or not yet, been marked with +tablets. But they are still to be found in the vicinity of McCaul and +Darcy, and St. Patrick Streets. Any one who doubts the truth of what I +have to say may go and look at them. + +I was not alone in the nomadic life that I led. There were hundreds +of us drifting about in this fashion from one melancholy habitation to +another. We lived as a rule two or three in a house, sometimes alone. We +dined in the basement. We always had beef, done up in some way after it +was dead, and there were always soda biscuits on the table. They used +to have a brand of soda biscuits in those days in the Toronto boarding +houses that I have not seen since. They were better than dog biscuits +but with not so much snap. My contemporaries will all remember them. +A great many of the leading barristers and professional men of Toronto +were fed on them. + +In the life we led we had practically no opportunities for association +on a large scale, no common rooms, no reading rooms, nothing. We never +saw the magazines,--personally I didn't even know the names of them. +The only interchange of ideas we ever got was by going over to the Caer +Howell Hotel on University Avenue and interchanging them there. + +I mention these melancholy details not for their own sake but merely to +emphasise the point that when I speak of students' dormitories, and the +larger life which they offer, I speak of what I know. + +If we had had at Toronto, when I was a student, the kind of dormitories +and dormitory life that they have at Oxford, I don't think I would +ever have graduated. I'd have been there still. The trouble is that the +universities on our Continent are only just waking up to the idea of +what a university should mean. They were, very largely, instituted and +organised with the idea that a university was a place where young men +were sent to absorb the contents of books and to listen to lectures in +the class rooms. The student was pictured as a pallid creature, burning +what was called the "midnight oil," his wan face bent over his desk. If +you wanted to do something for him you gave him a book: if you wanted to +do something really large on his behalf you gave him a whole basketful +of them. If you wanted to go still further and be a benefactor to the +college at large, you endowed a competitive scholarship and set two or +more pallid students working themselves to death to get it. + +The real thing for the student is the life and environment that +surrounds him. All that he really learns he learns, in a sense, by the +active operation of his own intellect and not as the passive recipient +of lectures. And for this active operation what he really needs most is +the continued and intimate contact with his fellows. Students must live +together and eat together, talk and smoke together. Experience shows +that that is how their minds really grow. And they must live together +in a rational and comfortable way. They must eat in a big dining room +or hall, with oak beams across the ceiling, and the stained glass in +the windows, and with a shield or tablet here or there upon the wall, +to remind them between times of the men who went before them and left +a name worthy of the memory of the college. If a student is to get from +his college what it ought to give him, a college dormitory, with the +life in common that it brings, is his absolute right. A university that +fails to give it to him is cheating him. + +If I were founding a university--and I say it with all the seriousness +of which I am capable--I would found first a smoking room; then when I +had a little more money in hand I would found a dormitory; then after +that, or more probably with it, a decent reading room and a library. +After that, if I still had money over that I couldn't use, I would hire +a professor and get some text books. + +This chapter has sounded in the most part like a continuous eulogy +of Oxford with but little in favour of our American colleges. I turn +therefore with pleasure to the more congenial task of showing what is +wrong with Oxford and with the English university system generally, and +the aspect in which our American universities far excell the British. + +The point is that Henry VIII is dead. The English are so proud of +what Henry VIII and the benefactors of earlier centuries did for the +universities that they forget the present. There is little or nothing +in England to compare with the magnificent generosity of individuals, +provinces and states, which is building up the colleges of the United +States and Canada. There used to be. But by some strange confusion of +thought the English people admire the noble gifts of Cardinal Wolsey and +Henry VIII and Queen Margaret, and do not realise that the Carnegies +and Rockefellers and the William Macdonalds are the Cardinal Wolseys +of to-day. The University of Chicago was founded upon oil. McGill +University rests largely on a basis of tobacco. In America the world of +commerce and business levies on itself a noble tribute in favour of the +higher learning. In England, with a few conspicuous exceptions, such as +that at Bristol, there is little of the sort. The feudal families are +content with what their remote ancestors have done: they do not try to +emulate it in any great degree. + +In the long run this must count. Of all the various reforms that are +talked of at Oxford, and of all the imitations of American methods that +are suggested, the only one worth while, to my thinking, is to capture +a few millionaires, give them honorary degrees at a million pounds +sterling apiece, and tell them to imagine that they are Henry the +Eighth. I give Oxford warning that if this is not done the place will +not last another two centuries. + + + + +VI. The British and the American Press + +THE only paper from which a man can really get the news of the world in +a shape that he can understand is the newspaper of his own "home town." +For me, unless I can have the Montreal Gazette at my breakfast, and the +Montreal Star at my dinner, I don't really know what is happening. In +the same way I have seen a man from the south of Scotland settle down to +read the Dumfries Chronicle with a deep sigh of satisfaction: and a man +from Burlington, Vermont, pick up the Burlington Eagle and study +the foreign news in it as the only way of getting at what was really +happening in France and Germany. + +The reason is, I suppose, that there are different ways of serving up +the news and we each get used to our own. Some people like the news +fed to them gently: others like it thrown at them in a bombshell: some +prefer it to be made as little of as possible; they want it minimised: +others want the maximum. + +This is where the greatest difference lies between the British +newspapers and those of the United States and Canada. With us in America +the great thing is to get the news and shout it at the reader; in +England they get the news and then break it to him as gently as +possible. Hence the big headings, the bold type, and the double columns +of the American paper, and the small headings and the general air of +quiet and respectability of the English Press. + +It is quite beside the question to ask which is the better. Neither is. +They are different things: that's all. The English newspaper is designed +to be read quietly, propped up against the sugar bowl of a man eating +a slow breakfast in a quiet corner of a club, or by a retired banker +seated in a leather chair nearly asleep, or by a country vicar sitting +in a wicker chair under a pergola. The American paper is for reading +by a man hanging on the straps of a clattering subway express, by a +man eating at a lunch counter, by a man standing on one leg, by a man +getting a two-minute shave, or by a man about to have his teeth drawn by +a dentist. + +In other words, there is a difference of atmosphere. It is not merely +in the type and the lettering, it is a difference in the way the news +is treated and the kind of words that are used. In America we love such +words as "gun-men" and "joy-ride" and "death-cell": in England they +prefer "person of doubtful character" and "motor travelling at excessive +speed" and "corridor No. 6." If a milk-waggon collides in the +street with a coal-cart, we write that a "life-waggon" has struck a +"death-cart." We call a murderer a "thug" or a "gun-man" or a "yeg-man." +In England they simply call him "the accused who is a grocer's assistant +in Houndsditch." That designation would knock any decent murder story to +pieces. + +Hence comes the great difference between the American "lead" or opening +sentence of the article, and the English method of commencement. In the +American paper the idea is that the reader is so busy that he must first +be offered the news in one gulp. After that if he likes it he can go +on and eat some more of it. So the opening sentence must give the whole +thing. Thus, suppose that a leading member of the United States Congress +has committed suicide. This is the way in which the American reporter +deals with it. + +"Seated in his room at the Grand Hotel with his carpet slippers on his +feet and his body wrapped in a blue dressing-gown with pink insertions, +after writing a letter of farewell to his wife and emptying a bottle +of Scotch whisky in which he exonerated her from all culpability in his +death, Congressman Ahasuerus P. Tigg was found by night-watchman, Henry +T. Smith, while making his rounds as usual with four bullets in his +stomach." + +Now let us suppose that a leading member of the House of Commons in +England had done the same thing. Here is the way it would be written up +in a first-class London newspaper. + +The heading would be HOME AND GENERAL INTELLIGENCE. That is inserted so +as to keep the reader soothed and quiet and is no doubt thought better +than the American heading BUGHOUSE CONGRESSMAN BLOWS OUT BRAINS IN +HOTEL. After the heading HOME AND GENERAL INTELLIGENCE the English +paper runs the subheading INCIDENT AT THE GRAND HOTEL. The reader still +doesn't know what happened; he isn't meant to. Then the article begins +like this: + +"The Grand Hotel, which is situated at the corner of Millbank and +Victoria Streets, was the scene last night of a distressing incident." + +"What is it?" thinks the reader. "The hotel itself, which is an +old Georgian structure dating probably from about 1750, is a quiet +establishment, its clientele mainly drawn from business men in the +cattle-droving and distillery business from South Wales." + +"What happened?" thinks the reader. + +"Its cuisine has long been famous for the excellence of its boiled +shrimps." + +"What happened?" + +"While the hotel itself is also known as the meeting place of the +Surbiton Harmonic Society and other associations." + +"What happened?" + +"Among the more prominent of the guests of the hotel has been numbered +during the present Parliamentary session Mr. Llewylln Ap. Jones, M.P., +for South Llanfydd. Mr. Jones apparently came to his room last night +at about ten P.M., and put on his carpet slippers and his blue dressing +gown. He then seems to have gone to the cupboard and taken from it a +whisky bottle which however proved to be empty. The unhappy gentleman +then apparently went to bed..." + +At that point the American reader probably stops reading, thinking that +he has heard it all. The unhappy man found that the bottle was empty +and went to bed: very natural: and the affair very properly called a +"distressing incident": quite right. But the trained English reader +would know that there was more to come and that the air of quiet was +only assumed, and he would read on and on until at last the tragic +interest heightened, the four shots were fired, with a good long pause +after each for discussion of the path of the bullet through Mr. Ap. +Jones. + +I am not saying that either the American way or the British way is the +better. They are just two different ways, that's all. But the result is +that anybody from the United States or Canada reading the English papers +gets the impression that nothing is happening: and an English reader +of our newspapers with us gets the idea that the whole place is in a +tumult. + +When I was in London I used always, in glancing at the morning papers, +to get a first impression that the whole world was almost asleep. There +was, for example, a heading called INDIAN INTELLIGENCE that showed, +on close examination, that two thousand Parsees had died of the blue +plague, that a powder boat had blown up at Bombay, that some one had +thrown a couple of bombs at one of the provincial governors, and that +four thousand agitators had been sentenced to twenty years hard labour +each. But the whole thing was just called "Indian Intelligence." +Similarly, there was a little item called, "Our Chinese Correspondent." +That one explained ten lines down, in very small type, that a hundred +thousand Chinese had been drowned in a flood. And there was another +little item labelled "Foreign Gossip," under which was mentioned +that the Pope was dead, and that the President of Paraguay had been +assassinated. + +In short, I got the impression that I was living in an easy drowsy +world, as no doubt the editor meant me to. It was only when the Montreal +Star arrived by post that I felt that the world was still revolving +pretty rapidly on its axis and that there was still something doing. + +As with the world news so it is with the minor events of ordinary +life,--birth, death, marriage, accidents, crime. Let me give an +illustration. Suppose that in a suburb of London a housemaid has +endeavoured to poison her employer's family by putting a drug in +the coffee. Now on our side of the water we should write that little +incident up in a way to give it life, and put headings over it that +would capture the reader's attention in a minute. We should begin it +thus: + + PRETTY PARLOR MAID + DEALS DEATH-DRINK + TO CLUBMAN'S FAMILY + +The English reader would ask at once, how do we know that the parlor +maid is pretty? We don't. But our artistic sense tells us that she ought +to be. Pretty parlor maids are the only ones we take any interest in: if +an ugly parlor maid poisoned her employer's family we should hang her. +Then again, the English reader would say, how do we know that the man is +a clubman? Have we ascertained this fact definitely, and if so, of what +club or clubs is he a member? Well, we don't know, except in so far as +the thing is self-evident. Any man who has romance enough in his life +to be poisoned by a pretty housemaid ought to be in a club. That's the +place for him. In fact, with us the word club man doesn't necessarily +mean a man who belongs to a club: it is defined as a man who is arrested +in a gambling den; or fined for speeding a motor or who shoots another +person in a hotel corridor. Therefore this man must be a club man. +Having settled the heading, we go on with the text: + +"Brooding over love troubles which she has hitherto refused to divulge +under the most grilling fusillade of rapid-fire questions shot at her +by the best brains of the New York police force, Miss Mary De Forrest, +a handsome brunette thirty-six inches around the hips, employed as a +parlor maid in the residence of Mr. Spudd Bung, a well-known clubman +forty-two inches around the chest, was arrested yesterday by the flying +squad of the emergency police after having, so it is alleged, put four +ounces of alleged picrate of potash into the alleged coffee of her +employer's family's alleged breakfast at their residence on Hudson +Heights in the most fashionable quarter of the metropolis. Dr. Slink, +the leading fashionable practitioner of the neighbourhood who was +immediately summoned said that but for his own extraordinary dexterity +and promptness the death of the whole family, if not of the entire +entourage, was a certainty. The magistrate in committing Miss De +Forrest for trial took occasion to enlarge upon her youth and attractive +appearance: he castigated the moving pictures severely and said that he +held them together with the public school system and the present method +of doing the hair, directly responsible for the crimes of the kind +alleged." + +Now when you read this over you begin to feel that something big has +happened. Here is a man like Dr. Slink, all quivering with promptness +and dexterity. Here is an inserted picture, a photograph, a brick house +in a row marked with a cross (+) and labelled "The Bung Residence as. it +appeared immediately after the alleged outrage." It isn't really. It is +just a photograph that we use for this sort of thing and have grown to +like. It is called sometimes:--"Residence of Senator Borah" or "Scene +of the Recent Spiritualistic Manifestations" or anything of the sort. +As long as it is marked with a cross (+) the reader will look at it with +interest. + +In other words we make something out of an occurrence like this. It +doesn't matter if it all fades out afterwards when it appears that Mary +De Forrest merely put ground allspice into the coffee in mistake for +powdered sugar and that the family didn't drink it anyway. The reader +has already turned to other mysteries. + +But contrast the pitifully tame way in which the same event is written +up in England. Here it is: + +SUBURBAN ITEM + +"Yesterday at the police court of Surbiton-on-Thames Mary Forrester, a +servant in the employ of Mr. S. Bung was taken into custody on a charge +of having put a noxious preparation, possibly poison, into the coffee of +her employer's family. The young woman was remanded for a week." + +Look at that. Mary Forrester a servant? + +How wide was she round the chest? It doesn't say. Mr. S. Bung? Of +what club was he a member? None, apparently. Then who cares if he is +poisoned? And "the young woman!" What a way to speak of a decent girl +who never did any other harm than to poison a club man. And the English +magistrate! What a tame part he must have played: his name indeed +doesn't occur at all: apparently he didn't enlarge on the girl's good +looks, or "comment on her attractive appearance," or anything. I don't +suppose that he even asked Mary Forrester out to lunch with him. + +Notice also that, according to the English way of writing the thing up, +as soon as the girl was remanded for a week the incident is closed. +The English reporter doesn't apparently know enough to follow Miss De +Forrest to her home (called "the De Forrest Residence" and marked with +a cross, +). The American reporter would make certain to supplement what +went above with further information of this fashion. "Miss De Forrest +when seen later at her own home by a representative of The Eagle +said that she regretted very much having been put to the necessity of +poisoning Mr. Bung. She had in the personal sense nothing against Mr. +Bung and apart from poisoning him she had every respect for Mr. Bung. +Miss De Forrest, who talks admirably on a variety of topics, expressed +herself as warmly in favour of the League of Nations and as a devotee of +the short ballot and proportional representation." + +Any American reader who studies the English Press comes upon these +wasted opportunities every day. There are indeed certain journals of +a newer type which are doing their best to imitate us. But they don't +really get it yet. They use type up to about one inch and after that +they get afraid. + +I hope that in describing the spirit of the English Press I do not seem +to be writing with any personal bitterness. I admit that there might be +a certain reason for such a bias. During my stay in England I was most +anxious to appear as a contributor to some of the leading papers. This +is, with the English, a thing that always adds prestige. To be able to +call oneself a "contributor" to the Times or to Punch or the Morning +Post or the Spectator, is a high honour. I have met these "contributors" +all over the British Empire. Some, I admit, look strange. An ancient +wreck in the back bar of an Ontario tavern (ancient regime) has told +me that he was a contributor to the Times: the janitor of the building +where I lived admits that he is a contributor to Punch: a man arrested +in Bristol for vagrancy while I was in England pleaded that he was a +contributor to the Spectator. In fact, it is an honour that everybody +seems to be able to get but me. + +I had often tried before I went to England to contribute to the great +English newspapers. I had never succeeded. But I hoped that while in +England itself the very propinquity of the atmosphere, I mean the very +contiguity of the surroundings, would render the attempt easier. I tried +and I failed. My failure was all the more ignominious in that I had very +direct personal encouragement. "By all means," said the editor of the +London Times, "do some thing for us while you are here. Best of all, +do something in a political way; that's rather our special line." I +had already received almost an identical encouragement from the London +Morning Post, and in a more qualified way from the Manchester Guardian. +In short, success seemed easy. + +I decided therefore to take some simple political event of the peculiar +kind that always makes a stir in English politics and write it up for +these English papers. To simplify matters I thought it better to use one +and the same incident and write it up in three different ways and get +paid for it three, times. All of those who write for the Press will +understand the motive at once. I waited therefore and watched the papers +to see if anything interesting might happen to the Ahkoond of Swat or +the Sandjak of Novi Bazar or any other native potentate. Within a couple +of days I got what I wanted in the following item, which I need hardly +say is taken word for word from the Press despatches: + +"Perim, via Bombay. News comes by messenger that the Shriek of Kowfat +who has been living under the convention of 1898 has violated the modus +operandi. He is said to have torn off his suspenders, dipped himself in +oil and proclaimed a Jehad. The situation is critical." + +Everybody who knows England knows that this is just the kind of news +that the English love. On our side of the Atlantic we should be bothered +by the fact that we did not know where Kowfat is, nor what was the +convention of 1898. They are not. They just take it for granted that +Kowfat is one of the many thousand places that they "own," somewhere +in the outer darkness. They have so many Kowfats that they cannot keep +track of them. + +I knew therefore that everybody would be interested in any discussion +of what was at once called "the Kowfat Crisis" and I wrote it up. I +resisted the temptation to begin after the American fashion, "Shriek +sheds suspenders," and suited the writing, as I thought, to the market I +was writing for. I wrote up the incident for the Morning Post after the +following fashion: + +"The news from Kowfat affords one more instance of a painful back-down +on the part of the Government. Our policy of spineless supineness is now +reaping its inevitable reward. To us there is only one thing to be done. +If the Shriek has torn off his suspenders he must be made to put them +on again. We have always held that where the imperial prestige of this +country is concerned there is no room for hesitation. In the present +instance our prestige is at stake: the matter involves our reputation in +the eyes of the surrounding natives, the Bantu Hottentots, the Negritos, +the Dwarf Men of East Abyssinia, and the Dog Men of Darfur. What will +they think of us? If we fail in this crisis their notion of us will fall +fifty per cent. In our opinion this country cannot stand a fifty per +cent drop in the estimation of the Dog Men. The time is one that demands +action. An ultimatum should be sent at once to the Shriek of Kowfat. If +he has one already we should send him another. He should be made at once +to put on his suspenders. The oil must be scraped off him, and he must +be told plainly that if a pup like him tries to start a Jehad he will +have to deal with the British Navy. We call the Shriek a pup in no sense +of belittling him as our imperial ally but because we consider that the +present is no time for half words and we do not regard pup as half a +word. Events such as the present, rocking the Empire to its base, make +one long for the spacious days of a Salisbury or a Queen Elizabeth, or +an Alfred the Great or a Julius Caesar. We doubt whether the present +Cabinet is in this class." + +Not to lose any time in the coming and going of the mail, always a +serious thought for the contributor to the Press waiting for a cheque, I +sent another editorial on the same topic to the Manchester Guardian. It +ran as follows: + +"The action of the Shriek of Kowfat in proclaiming a Jehad against us is +one that amply justifies all that we have said editorially since Jeremy +Bentham died. We have always held that the only way to deal with a +Mohammedan potentate like the Shriek is to treat him like a Christian. +The Khalifate of Kowfat at present buys its whole supply of cotton +piece goods in our market and pays cash. The Shriek, who is a man of +enlightenment, has consistently upheld the principles of Free Trade. +Not only are our exports of cotton piece goods, bibles, rum, and beads +constantly increasing, but they are more than offset by our importation +from Kowfat of ivory, rubber, gold, and oil. In short, we have never +seen the principles of Free Trade better illustrated. The Shriek, it is +now reported, refuses to wear the braces presented to him by our envoy +at the time of his coronation five years ago. He is said to have thrown +them into the mud. But we have no reason to suppose that this is meant +as a blow at our prestige. It may be that after five years of use the +little pulleys of the braces no longer work properly. We have ourselves +in our personal life known instances of this, and can speak of the sense +of irritation occasioned. Even we have thrown on the floor ours. And in +any case, as we have often reminded our readers, what is prestige? If +any one wants to hit us, let him hit us right there. We regard a blow at +our trade as far more deadly than a blow at our prestige. + +"The situation as we see it demands immediate reparation on our part. +The principal grievance of the Shriek arises from the existence of our +fort and garrison on the Kowfat river. Our proper policy is to knock +down the fort, and either remove the garrison or give it to the Shriek. +We are convinced that as soon as the Shriek realises that we are +prepared to treat him in the proper Christian spirit, he will at once +respond with true Mohammedan generosity. + +"We have further to remember that in what we do we are being observed by +the neighbouring tribes, the Negritos, the Dwarf Men, and the Dog Men of +Darfur. These are not only shrewd observers but substantial customers. +The Dwarf Men at present buy all their cotton on the Manchester market +and the Dog Men depend on us for their soap. + +"The present crisis is one in which the nation needs statesmanship and a +broad outlook upon the world. In the existing situation we need not the +duplicity of a Machiavelli, but the commanding prescience of a Gladstone +or an Alfred the Great, or a Julius Caesar. Luckily we have exactly this +type of man at the head of affairs." + +After completing the above I set to work without delay on a similar +exercise for the London Times. The special excellence of the Times, as +everybody knows is its fulness of information. For generations past the +Times has commanded a peculiar minuteness of knowledge about all parts +of the Empire. It is the proud boast of this great journal that to +whatever far away, outlandish part of the Empire you may go, you will +always find a correspondent of the Times looking for something to do. +It is said that the present proprietor has laid it down as his maxim, +"I don't want men who think; I want men who know." The arrangements for +thinking are made separately. + +Incidentally I may say that I had personal opportunities while I was +in England of realising that the reputation of the Times staff for the +possession of information is well founded. Dining one night with some +members of the staff, I happened to mention Saskatchewan. One of the +editors at the other end of the table looked up at the mention of the +name. "Saskatchewan," he said, "ah, yes; that's not far from Alberta, is +it?" and then turned quietly to his food again. When I remind the reader +that Saskatchewan is only half an inch from Alberta he may judge of the +nicety of the knowledge involved. Having all this in mind, I recast the +editorial and sent it to the London Times as follows: + +"The news that the Sultan of Kowfat has thrown away his suspenders +renders it of interest to indicate the exact spot where he has thrown +them. (See map). Kowfat, lying as the reader knows, on the Kowfat River, +occupies the hinterland between the back end of south-west Somaliland +and the east, that is to say, the west, bank of Lake P'schu. It thus +forms an enclave between the Dog Men of Darfur and the Negritos of +T'chk. The inhabitants of Kowfat are a coloured race three quarters +negroid and more than three quarters tabloid. + +"As a solution of the present difficulty, the first thing required +in our opinion is to send out a boundary commission to delineate more +exactly still just where Kowfat is. After that an ethnographical survey +might be completed." + + +It was a matter not only of concern but of surprise to me that not one +of the three contributions recited above was accepted by the English +Press. The Morning Post complained that my editorial was not firm enough +in tone, the Guardian that it was not humane enough, the Times that +I had left out the latitude and longitude always expected by their +readers. I thought it not worth while to bother to revise the articles +as I had meantime conceived the idea that the same material might be +used in the most delightfully amusing way as the basis of a poem far +Punch. Everybody knows the kind of verses that are contributed to Punch +by Sir Owen Seaman and Mr. Charles Graves and men of that sort. And +everybody has been struck, as I have, by the extraordinary easiness of +the performance. All that one needs is to get some odd little incident, +such as the revolt of the Sultan of Kowfat, make up an amusing title, +and then string the verses together in such a way as to make rhymes with +all the odd words that come into the narrative. In fact, the thing is +ease itself. + +I therefore saw a glorious chance with the Sultan of Kowfat. Indeed, I +fairly chuckled to myself when I thought what amusing rhymes could be +made with "Negritos," "modus operandi" and "Dog Men of Darfur." I can +scarcely imagine anything more excruciatingly funny than the rhymes +which can be made with them. And as for the title, bringing in the word +Kowfat or some play upon it, the thing is perfectly obvious. The idea +amused me so much that I set to work at the poem at once. + +I am sorry to say that I failed to complete it. Not that I couldn't +have done so, given time; I am quite certain that if I had had about two +years I could have done it. The main structure of the poem, however, is +here and I give it for what it is worth. Even as it is it strikes me as +extraordinarily good. Here it is: + + Title + + ...................... Kowfat + + Verse One + + .........................., + ............... modus operandi; + .........................., + .................., Negritos: + ....................... P'shu. + + Verse Two + + ..................... Khalifate; + ............. Dog Men of Darfur: + ....................... T'chk. + + +Excellent little thing, isn't it? All it needs is the rhymes. As far as +it goes it has just exactly the ease and the sweep required. And if some +one will tell me how Owen Seaman and those people get the rest of the +ease and the sweep I'll be glad to put it in. + +One further experiment of the same sort I made with the English Press in +another direction and met again with failure. If there is one paper in +the world for which I have respect and--if I may say it--an affection, +it is the London Spectator. I suppose that I am only one of thousands +and thousands of people who feel that way. Why under the circumstances +the Spectator failed to publish my letter I cannot say. I wanted no +money for it: I only wanted the honour of seeing it inserted beside the +letter written from the Rectory, Hops, Hants, or the Shrubbery, Potts, +Shrops,--I mean from one of those places where the readers of the +Spectator live. I thought too that my letter had just the right touch. +However, they wouldn't take it: something wrong with it somewhere, I +suppose. This is it: + + To the Editor, + The Spectator, + London, England. + + Dear Sir, + + Your correspondence of last week contained such interesting + information in regard to the appearance of the first cowslip + in Kensington Common that I trust that I may, without + fatiguing your readers to the point of saturation, narrate + a somewhat similar and I think, sir, an equally interesting + experience of my own. While passing through Lambeth Gardens + yesterday towards the hour of dusk I observed a crow with + one leg sitting beside the duck-pond and apparently lost in + thought. There was no doubt that the bird was of the + species pulex hibiscus, an order which is becoming + singularly rare in the vicinity of the metropolis. Indeed, + so far as I am aware, the species has not been seen in + London since 1680. I may say that on recognising the bird I + drew as near as I could, keeping myself behind the + shrubbery, but the pulex hibiscus which apparently caught a + brief glimpse of my face uttered a cry of distress and flew + away. + + I am, sir, + Believe me, + yours, sir, + O.Y. Botherwithit. + (Ret'd Major Burmese Army.); + +Distressed by these repeated failures, I sank back to a lower level of +English literary work, the puzzle department. For some reason or other +the English delight in puzzles. It is, I think, a part of the peculiar +school-boy pedantry which is the reverse side of their literary genius. +I speak with a certain bitterness because in puzzle work I met with no +success whatever. My solutions were never acknowledged, never paid for, +in fact they were ignored. But I append two or three of them here, with +apologies to the editors of the Strand and other papers who should have +had the honour of publishing them first. + + Puzzle I + +Can you fold a square piece of paper in such a way that with a single +fold it forms a pentagon? + +My Solution: Yes, if I knew what a pentagon was. + + Puzzle II + +A and B agree to hold a walking match across an open meadow, each +seeking the shortest line. A, walking from corner to corner, may be said +to diangulate the hypotenuse of the meadow. B, allowing for a slight +rise in the ground, walks on an obese tabloid. Which wins? + +My Solution: Frankly, I don't know. + + Puzzle III + +(With apologies to the Strand.) + +A rope is passed over a pulley. It has a weight at one end and a monkey +at the other. There is the same length of rope on either side and +equilibrium is maintained. The rope weighs four ounces per foot. The +age of the monkey and the age of the monkey's mother together total four +years. The weight of the monkey is as many pounds as the monkey's mother +is years old. The monkey's mother was twice as old as the monkey was +when the monkey's mother was half as old as the monkey will be when +the monkey is three times as old as the monkey's mother was when the +monkey's mother was three times as old as the monkey. The weight of the +rope with the weight at the end was half as much again as the difference +in weight between the weight of the weight and the weight of the monkey. +Now, what was the length of the rope? + +My Solution: I should think it would have to be a rope of a fairly good +length. + +In only one department of English journalism have I met with a decided +measure of success; I refer to the juvenile competition department. This +is a sort of thing to which the English are especially addicted. As a +really educated nation for whom good literature begins in the home they +encourage in every way literary competitions among the young readers +of their journals. At least half a dozen of the well-known London +periodicals carry on this work. The prizes run all the way from one +shilling to half a guinea and the competitions are generally open to all +children from three to six years of age. It was here that I saw my open +opportunity and seized it. I swept in prize after prize. As "Little +Agatha" I got four shillings for the best description of Autumn in two +lines, and one shilling for guessing correctly the missing letters in +BR-STOL, SH-FFIELD, and H-LL. A lot of the competitors fell down +on H-LL. I got six shillings for giving the dates of the Norman +Conquest,--1492 A.D., and the Crimean War of 1870. In short, the thing +was easy. I might say that to enter these competitions one has to have +a certificate of age from a member of the clergy. But I know a lot of +them. + + + + +VII. Business in England. Wanted--More Profiteers + +It is hardly necessary to say that so shrewd an observer as I am could +not fail to be struck by the situation of business in England. Passing +through the factory towns and noticing that no smoke came from the tall +chimneys and that the doors of the factories were shut, I was led to the +conclusion that they were closed. + +Observing that the streets of the industrial centres were everywhere +filled with idle men, I gathered that they were unemployed: and when I +learned that the moving picture houses were full to the doors every day +and that the concert halls, beer gardens, grand opera, and religious +concerts were crowded to suffocation, I inferred that the country was +suffering from an unparalleled depression. This diagnosis turned out to +be absolutely correct. It has been freely estimated that at the time I +refer to almost two million men were out of work. + +But it does not require government statistics to prove that in England +at the present day everybody seems poor, just as in the United States +everybody, to the eye of the visitor, seems to be rich. In England +nobody seems to be able to afford anything: in the United States +everybody seems to be able to afford everything. In England nobody +smokes cigars: in America everybody does. On the English railways the +first class carriages are empty: in the United States the "reserved +drawingrooms" are full. Poverty no doubt is only a relative matter: but +a man whose income used to be 10,000 a year and is now 5,000, is living +in "reduced circumstances": he feels himself just as poor as the man +whose income has been cut from five thousand pounds to three, or from +five hundred pounds to two. They are all in the same boat. What with the +lowering of dividends and the raising of the income tax, the closing of +factories, feeding the unemployed and trying to employ the unfed, things +are in a bad way. + +The underlying cause is plain enough. The economic distress that the +world suffers now is the inevitable consequence of the war. Everybody +knows that. But where the people differ is in regard to what is going to +happen next, and what we must do about it. Here opinion takes a variety +of forms. Some people blame it on the German mark: by permitting their +mark to fall, the Germans, it is claimed, are taking away all the +business from England; the fall of the mark, by allowing the Germans to +work harder and eat less than the English, is threatening to drive the +English out of house and home: if the mark goes on falling still further +the Germans will thereby outdo us also in music, literature and in +religion. What has got to be done, therefore, is to force the Germans to +lift the mark up again, and make them pay up their indemnity. + +Another more popular school of thought holds to an entirely contrary +opinion. The whole trouble, they say, comes from the sad collapse of +Germany. These unhappy people, having been too busy for four years in +destroying valuable property in France and Belgium to pay attention to +their home affairs, now find themselves collapsed: it is our first duty +to pick them up again. The English should therefore take all the money +they can find and give it to the Germans. By this means German trade and +industry will revive to such an extent that the port of Hamburg will be +its old bright self again and German waiters will reappear in the London +hotels. After that everything will be all right. + +Speaking with all the modesty of an outsider and a transient visitor, +I give it as my opinion that the trouble is elsewhere. The danger of +industrial collapse in England does not spring from what is happening in +Germany but from what is happening in England itself. England, like +most of the other countries in the world, is suffering from the +over-extension of government and the decline of individual self-help. +For six generations industry in England and America has flourished on +individual effort called out by the prospect of individual gain. Every +man acquired from his boyhood the idea that he must look after himself. +Morally, physically and financially that was the recognised way of +getting on. The desire to make a fortune was regarded as a laudable +ambition, a proper stimulus to effort. The ugly word "profiteer" had not +yet been coined. There was no income tax to turn a man's pockets inside +out and take away his savings. The world was to the strong. + +Under the stimulus of this the wheels of industry hummed. Factories +covered the land. National production grew to a colossal size and the +whole outer world seemed laid under a tribute to the great industry. As +a system it was far from perfect. It contained in itself all kinds +of gross injustices, demands that were too great, wages that were +too small; in spite of the splendour of the foreground, poverty and +destitution hovered behind the scenes. But such as it was, the system +worked: and it was the only one that we knew. + +Or turn to another aspect of this same principle of self-help. The way +to acquire knowledge in the early days was to buy a tallow candle +and read a book after one's day's work, as Benjamin Franklin read or +Lincoln: and when the soul was stimulated to it, then the aspiring youth +must save money, put himself to college, live on nothing, think much, +and in the course of this starvation and effort become a learned man, +with somehow a peculiar moral fibre in him not easily reproduced to-day. +For to-day the candle is free and the college is free and the student +has a "Union" like the profiteer's club and a swimming-bath and a Drama +League and a coeducational society at his elbow for which he buys Beauty +Roses at five dollars a bunch. + +Or turn if one will to the moral side. The older way of being good was +by much prayer and much effort of one's own soul. Now it is done by +a Board of Censors. There is no need to fight sin by the power of the +spirit: let the Board of Censors do it. They together with three or four +kinds of Commissioners are supposed to keep sin at arm's length and to +supply a first class legislative guarantee of righteousness. As a +short cut to morality and as a way of saving individual effort our +legislatures are turning out morality legislation by the bucketful. The +legislature regulates our drink, it begins already to guard us against +the deadly cigarette, it regulates here and there the length of our +skirts, it safeguards our amusements and in two states of the American +Union it even proposes to save us from the teaching of the Darwinian +Theory of evolution. The ancient prayer "Lead us not into temptation" is +passing out of date. The way to temptation is declared closed by Act of +Parliament and by amendment to the constitution of the United States. +Yet oddly enough the moral tone of the world fails to respond. The +world is apparently more full of thugs, hold-up men, yeg-men, bandits, +motor-thieves, porch-climbers, spotters, spies and crooked policemen than +it ever was; till it almost seems that the slow, old-fashioned method of +an effort of the individual soul may be needed still before the world is +made good. + +This vast new system, the system of leaning on the government, is +spreading like a blight over England and America, and everywhere we +suffer from it. Government, that in theory represents a union of effort +and a saving of force, sprawls like an octopus over the land. It has +become like a dead weight upon us. Wherever it touches industry it +cripples it. It runs railways and makes a heavy deficit: it builds ships +and loses money on them: it operates the ships and loses more money: +it piles up taxes to fill the vacuum and when it has killed employment, +opens a bureau of unemployment and issues a report on the depression of +industry. + +Now, the only way to restore prosperity is to give back again to the +individual the opportunity to make money, to make lots of it, and when +he has got it, to keep it. In spite of all the devastation of the war +the raw assets of our globe are hardly touched. Here and there, as in +parts of China and in England and in Belgium with about seven hundred +people to the square mile, the world is fairly well filled up. There is +standing room only. But there are vast empty spaces still. Mesopotamia +alone has millions of acres of potential wheat land with a few Arabs +squatting on it. Canada could absorb easily half a million settlers a +year for a generation to come. The most fertile part of the world, the +valley of the Amazon, is still untouched: so fertile is it that for tens +of thousands of square miles it is choked with trees, a mere tangle +of life, defying all entry. The idea of our humanity sadly walking the +streets of Glasgow or sitting mournfully fishing on the piers of the +Hudson, out of work, would be laughable if it were not for the pathos of +it. + +The world is out of work for the simple reason that the world has +killed the goose that laid the golden eggs of industry. By taxation, by +legislation, by popular sentiment all over the world, there has been +a disparagement of the capitalist. And all over the world capital is +frightened. It goes and hides itself in the form of an investment in a +victory bond, a thing that is only a particular name for a debt, with no +productive effort behind it and indicating only a dead weight of taxes. +There capital sits like a bull-frog hidden behind water-lilies, refusing +to budge. + +Hence the way to restore prosperity is not to multiply government +departments and government expenditures, nor to appoint commissions +and to pile up debts, but to start going again the machinery of bold +productive effort. Take off all the excess profits taxes and the +super-taxes on income and as much of the income tax itself as can be +done by a wholesale dismissal of government employees and then +give industry a mark to shoot at. What is needed now is not the +multiplication of government reports, but corporate industry, the +formation of land companies, development companies, irrigation +companies, any kind of corporation that will call out private capital +from its hiding places, offer employment to millions and start the +wheels moving again. If the promoters of such corporations presently +earn huge fortunes for themselves society is none the worse: and in any +case, humanity being what it is, they will hand back a vast part of what +they have acquired in return for LL.D. degrees, or bits of blue ribbon, +or companionships of the Bath, or whatever kind of glass bead fits the +fancy of the retired millionaire. + +The next thing to be done, then, is to "fire" the government officials +and to bring back the profiteer. As to which officials are to be fired +first it doesn't matter much. In England people have been greatly +perturbed as to the use to be made of such instruments as the "Geddes +Axe": the edge of the axe of dismissal seems so terribly sharp. But +there is no need to worry. If the edge of the axe is too sharp, hit with +the back of it. + +As to the profiteer, bring him back. He is really just the same person +who a few years ago was called a Captain of Industry and an Empire +Builder and a Nation Maker. It is the times that have changed, not the +man. He is there still, just as greedy and rapacious as ever, but no +greedier: and we have just the same social need of his greed as a motive +power in industry as we ever had, and indeed a worse need than before. + +We need him not only in business but in the whole setting of life, or +if not him personally, we need the eager, selfish, but reliant spirit +of the man who looks after himself and doesn't want to have a spoon-fed +education and a government job alternating with a government dole, and +a set of morals framed for him by a Board of Censors. Bring back the +profiteer: fetch him from the Riviera, from his country-place on the +Hudson, or from whatever spot to which he has withdrawn with his tin +box full of victory bonds. If need be, go and pick him out of the +penitentiary, take the stripes off him and tell him to get busy again. +Show him the map of the world and ask him to pick out a few likely +spots. The trained greed of the rascal will find them in a moment. +Then write him out a concession for coal in Asia Minor or oil in the +Mackenzie Basin or for irrigation in Mesopotamia. The ink will hardly +be dry on it before the capital will begin to flow in: it will come from +all kinds of places whence the government could never coax it and where +the tax-gatherer could never find it. Only promise that it is not going +to be taxed out of existence and the stream of capital which is being +dried up in the sands of government mismanagement will flow into the +hands of private industry like a river of gold. + +And incidentally, when the profiteer has finished his work, we can +always put him back into the penitentiary if we like. But we need him +just now. + + + + +VIII. Is Prohibition Coming to England? + +IN the United States and Canada the principal topic of polite +conversation is now prohibition. At every dinner party the serving of +the cocktails immediately introduces the subject: the rest of the dinner +is enlivened throughout with the discussion of rum-runners, bootleggers, +storage of liquor and the State constitution of New Jersey. Under +this influence all social and conversational values are shifted and +rearranged. A "scholarly" man no longer means a man who can talk well on +literary subjects but a man who understands the eighteenth amendment and +can explain the legal difference between implementing statutes such as +the Volstead Act and the underlying state legislation. A "scientist" +(invaluable in these conversations) is a man who can make clear the +distinction between alcoholic percentages by bulk and by weight. And +a "brilliant engineer" means a man who explains how to make homebrewed +beer with a kick in it. Similarly, a "raconteur" means a man who has +a fund of amusing stories about "bootleggers" and an "interesting +traveller" means a man who has been to Havana and can explain how wet +it is. Indeed, the whole conception of travel and of interest in foreign +countries is now altered: as soon as any one mentions that he has been +in a foreign country, all the company ask in one breath, "Is it dry?" +The question "How is Samoa?" or "How is Turkey?" or "How is British +Columbia?" no longer refers to the climate or natural resources: it +means "Is the place dry?" When such a question is asked and the answer +is "It's wet," there is a deep groan all around the table. + +I understand that when the recent disarmament conference met at +Washington just as the members were going to sit down at the table +Monsieur Briand said to President Harding, "How dry is the United +States, anyway?" And the whole assembly talked about it for half +an hour. That was why the first newspaper bulletins merely said, +"Conference exchanges credentials." + +As a discoverer of England I therefore made it one of my chief cares to +try to obtain accurate information of this topic. I was well aware that +immediately on my return to Canada the first question I would be asked +would be "Is England going dry?" I realised that in any report I might +make to the National Geographical Society or to the Political Science +Association, the members of these bodies, being scholars, would want +accurate information about the price of whiskey, the percentage of +alcohol, and the hours of opening and closing the saloons. + +My first impression on the subject was, I must say, one of severe moral +shock. Landing in England after spending the summer in Ontario, it +seemed a terrible thing to see people openly drinking on an English +train. On an Ontario train, as everybody knows, there is no way of +taking a drink except by climbing up on the roof, lying flat on one's +stomach, and taking a suck out of a flask. But in England in any dining +car one actually sees a waiter approach a person dining and say, "Beer, +sir, or wine?" This is done in broad daylight with no apparent sense of +criminality or moral shame. Appalling though it sounds, bottled ale is +openly sold on the trains at twenty-five cents a bottle and dry sherry +at eighteen cents a glass. + +When I first saw this I expected to see the waiter arrested on the spot. +I looked around to see if there were any "spotters," detectives, or +secret service men on the train. I anticipated that the train conductor +would appear and throw the waiter off the car. But then I realised that +I was in England and that in the British Isles they still tolerate the +consumption of alcohol. Indeed, I doubt if they are even aware that +they are "consuming alcohol." Their impression is that they are drinking +beer. + +At the beginning of my discussion I will therefore preface a few exact +facts and statistics for the use of geographical societies, learned +bodies and government commissions. The quantity of beer consumed in +England in a given period is about 200,000,000 gallons. The life of a +bottle of Scotch whiskey is seven seconds. The number of public houses, +or "pubs," in the English countryside is one to every half mile. The +percentage of the working classes drinking beer is 125: the percentage +of the class without work drinking beer is 200. + +Statistics like these do not, however, give a final answer to the +question, "Is prohibition coming to England?" They merely show that +it is not there now. The question itself will be answered in as +many different ways as there are different kinds of people. Any +prohibitionist will tell you that the coming of prohibition to England +is as certain as the coming eclipse of the sun. But this is always so. +It is in human nature that people are impressed by the cause they work +in. I once knew a minister of the Scotch Church who took a voyage round +the world: he said that the thing that impressed him most was the growth +of presbyterianism in Japan. No doubt it did. When the Orillia lacrosse +team took their trip to Australia, they said on their return that +lacrosse was spreading all over the world. In the same way there is said +to be a spread all over the world of Christian Science, proportional +representation, militarism, peace sentiment, barbarism, altruism, +psychoanalysis and death from wood alcohol. They are what are called +world movements. + +My own judgment in regard to prohibition in the British Isles is this: +In Scotland, prohibition is not coming: if anything, it is going. In +Ireland, prohibition will only be introduced when they have run out of +other forms of trouble. But in England I think that prohibition could +easily come unless the English people realise where they are drifting +and turn back. They are in the early stage of the movement already. + +Turning first to Scotland, there is no fear, I say, that prohibition +will be adopted there: and this from the simple reason that the +Scotch do not drink. I have elsewhere alluded to the extraordinary +misapprehension that exists in regard to the Scotch people and their +sense of humour. I find a similar popular error in regard to the use of +whiskey by the Scotch. Because they manufacture the best whiskey in the +world, the Scotch, in popular fancy, are often thought to be addicted to +the drinking of it. This is purely a delusion. During the whole of two +or three pleasant weeks spent in lecturing in Scotland, I never on any +occasion saw whiskey made use of as a beverage. I have seen people take +it, of course, as a medicine, or as a precaution, or as a wise offset +against a rather treacherous climate; but as a beverage, never. + +The manner and circumstance of their offering whiskey to a stranger +amply illustrates their point of view towards it. Thus at my first +lecture in Glasgow where I was to appear before a large and fashionable +audience, the chairman said to me in the committee room that he was +afraid that there might be a draft on the platform. Here was a serious +matter. For a lecturer who has to earn his living by his occupation, a +draft on the platform is not a thing to be disregarded. It might kill +him. Nor is it altogether safe for the chairman himself, a man already +in middle life, to be exposed to a current of cold air. In this +case, therefore, the chairman suggested that he thought it might be +"prudent"--that was his word, "prudent"--if I should take a small drop +of whiskey before encountering the draft. In return I told him that I +could not think of his accompanying me to the platform unless he would +let me insist on his taking a very reasonable precaution. Whiskey taken +on these terms not only seems like a duty but it tastes better. + +In the same way I find that in Scotland it is very often necessary to +take something to drink on purely meteorological grounds. The weather +simply cannot be trusted. A man might find that on "going out into the +weather" he is overwhelmed by a heavy fog or an avalanche of snow or a +driving storm of rain. In such a case a mere drop of whiskey might save +his life. It would be folly not to take it. Again,--"coming in out +of the weather" is a thing not to be trifled with. A person coming +in unprepared and unprotected might be seized with angina pectoris or +appendicitis and die upon the spot. No reasonable person would refuse +the simple precaution of taking a small drop immediately after his +entry. + +I find that, classified altogether, there are seventeen reasons advanced +in Scotland for taking whiskey. They run as follows: Reason one, because +it is raining; Two, because it is not raining; Three, because you are +just going out into the weather; Four, because you have just come in +from the weather; Five; no, I forget the ones that come after that. But +I remember that reason number seventeen is "because it canna do ye any +harm." On the whole, reason seventeen is the best. + +Put in other words this means that the Scotch make use of whiskey with +dignity and without shame: and they never call it alcohol. + +In England the case is different. Already the English are showing the +first signs that indicate the possible approach of prohibition. Already +all over England there are weird regulations about the closing hours +of the public houses. They open and close according to the varying +regulations of the municipality. In some places they open at six in the +morning, close down for an hour from nine till ten, open then till noon, +shut for ten minutes, and so on; in some places they are open in the +morning and closed in the evening; in other places they are open in the +evening and closed in the morning. The ancient idea was that a wayside +public house was a place of sustenance and comfort, a human need that +might be wanted any hour. It was in the same class with the life boat +or the emergency ambulance. Under the old common law the innkeeper must +supply meat and drink at any hour. If he was asleep the traveller might +wake him. And in those days meat and drink were regarded in the same +light. Note how great the change is. In modern life in England there is +nothing that you dare wake up a man for except gasoline. The mere fact +that you need a drink is no longer held to entitle you to break his +rest. + +In London especially one feels the full force of the "closing" +regulations. The bars open and shut at intervals like daisies blinking +at the sun. And like the flowers at evening they close their petals with +the darkness. In London they have already adopted the deadly phrases of +the prohibitionist, such as "alcohol" and "liquor traffic" and so on: +and already the "sale of spirits" stops absolutely at about eleven +o'clock at night. + +This means that after theatre hours London is a "city of dreadful +night." The people from the theatre scuttle to their homes. The lights +are extinguished in the windows. The streets darken. Only a belated taxi +still moves. At midnight the place is deserted. At 1 A.M., the lingering +footfalls echo in the empty street. Here and there a restaurant in +a fashionable street makes a poor pretence of keeping open for after +theatre suppers. Odd people, the shivering wrecks of theatre parties, +are huddled here and there. A gloomy waiter lays a sardine on the +table. The guests charge their glasses with Perrier Water, Lithia Water, +Citrate of Magnesia, or Bromo Seltzer. They eat the sardine and vanish +into the night. Not even Oshkosh, Wisconsin, or Middlebury, Vermont, is +quieter than is the night life of London. It may no doubt seem a wise +thing to go to bed early. + +But it is a terrible thing to go to bed early by Act of Parliament. + +All of which means that the people of England are not facing the +prohibition question fairly and squarely. If they see no harm in +"consuming alcohol" they ought to say so and let their code of +regulations reflect the fact. But the "closing" and "regulating" and +"squeezing" of the "liquor traffic", without any outspoken protest, +means letting the whole case go by default. Under these circumstances +an organised and active minority can always win and impose its will upon +the crowd. + +When I was in England I amused myself one day by writing an imaginary +picture of what England will be like when the last stage is reached and +London goes the way of New York and Chicago. I cast it in the form of a +letter from an American prohibitionist in which he describes the final +triumph of prohibition in England. With the permission of the reader I +reproduce it here: + + THE ADVENT OF PROHIBITION IN ENGLAND + + As written in the correspondence of an American visitor + + How glad I am that I have lived to see this wonderful reform + of prohibition at last accomplished in England. There is + something so difficult about the British, so stolid, so hard + to move. + + We tried everything in the great campaign that we made, and + for ever so long it didn't seem to work. We had processions, + just as we did at home in America, with great banners + carried round bearing the inscription: "Do you want to save + the boy?" But these people looked on and said, "Boy? Boy? + What boy?" Our workers were almost disheartened. "Oh, sir," + said one of them, an ex-barkeeper from Oklahoma, "it does + seem so hard that we have total prohibition in the States + and here they can get all the drink they want." And the good + fellow broke down and sobbed. + + But at last it has come. After the most terrific efforts we + managed to get this nation stampeded, and for more than a + month now England has been dry. I wish you could have + witnessed the scenes, just like what we saw at home in + America, when it was known that the bill had passed. The + members of the House of Lords all stood up on their seats + and yelled, "Rah! Rah! Rah! Who's bone dry? We are!" And the + brewers and innkeepers were emptying their barrels of beer + into the Thames just as at St. Louis they emptied the beer + into the Mississippi. + + I can't tell you with what pleasure I watched a group of + members of the Athenaeum Club sitting on the bank of the + Thames and opening bottles of champagne and pouring them + into the river. "To think," said one of them to me, "that + there was a time when I used to lap up a couple of quarts of + this terrible stuff every evening." I got him to give me a + few bottles as a souvenir, and I got some more souvenirs, + whiskey and liqueurs, when the members of the Beefsteak Club + were emptying out their cellars into Green Street; so when + you come over, I shall still be able, of course, to give you + a drink. + + We have, as I said, been bone dry only a month, and yet + already we are getting the same splendid results as in + America. All the big dinners are now as refined and as + elevating and the dinner speeches as long and as informal as + they are in New York or Toronto. The other night at a dinner + at the White Friars Club I heard Sir Owen Seaman speaking, + not in that light futile way that he used to have, but quite + differently. He talked for over an hour and a half on the + State ownership of the Chinese Railway System, and I almost + fancied myself back in Boston. + + And the working class too. It is just wonderful how + prohibition has increased their efficiency. In the old days + they used to drop their work the moment the hour struck. Now + they simply refuse to do so. I noticed yesterday a foreman + in charge of a building operation vainly trying to call the + bricklayers down. "Come, come, gentlemen," he shouted, "I + must insist on your stopping for the night." But they just + went on laying bricks faster than ever. + + Of course, as yet there are a few slight difficulties and + deficiencies, just as there are with us in America. We have + had the same trouble with wood-alcohol (they call it + methylated spirit here), with the same deplorable results. + On some days the list of deaths is very serious, and in some + cases we are losing men we can hardly spare. A great many of + our leading actors--in fact, most of them--are dead. And there + has been a heavy loss, too, among the literary class and in + the legal profession. + + There was a very painful scene last week at the dinner of + the Benchers of Gray's Inn. It seems that one of the chief + justices had undertaken to make home brew for the Benchers, + just as the people do on our side of the water. He got one + of the waiters to fetch him some hops and three raw + potatoes, a packet of yeast and some boiling water. In the + end, four of the Benchers were carried out dead. But they + are going to give them a public funeral in the Abbey. + + I regret to say that the death list in the Royal Navy is + very heavy. Some of the best sailors are gone, and it is + very difficult to keep admirals. But I have tried to explain + to the people here that these are merely the things that one + must expect, and that, with a little patience, they will + have bone-dry admirals and bone-dry statesmen just as good + as the wet ones. Even the clergy can be dried up with + firmness and perseverance. + + There was also a slight sensation here when the Chancellor + of the Exchequer brought in his first appropriation for + maintaining prohibition. From our point of view in America, + it was modest enough. But these people are not used to it. + The Chancellor merely asked for ten million pounds a month + to begin on; he explained that his task was heavy; he has to + police, not only the entire coast, but also the interior; + for the Grampian Hills of Scotland alone he asked a million. + There was a good deal of questioning in the House over these + figures. The Chancellor was asked if he intended to keep a + hired spy at every street corner in London. He answered, + "No, only on every other street." He added also that every + spy must wear a brass collar with his number. + + I must admit further, and I am sorry to have to tell you + this, that now we have prohibition it is becoming + increasingly difficult to get a drink. In fact, sometimes, + especially in the very early morning, it is most + inconvenient and almost impossible. The public houses being + closed, it is necessary to go into a drug store--just as it + is with us--and lean up against the counter and make a + gurgling sound like apoplexy. One often sees these apoplexy + cases lined up four deep. + + But the people are finding substitutes, just as they do with + us. There is a tremendous run on patent medicines, perfume, + glue and nitric acid. It has been found that Shears' soap + contains alcohol, and one sees people everywhere eating + cakes of it. The upper classes have taken to chewing tobacco + very considerably, and the use of opium in the House of + Lords has very greatly increased. + + But I don't want you to think that if you come over here to + see me, your private life will be in any way impaired or + curtailed. I am glad to say that I have plenty of rich + connections whose cellars are very amply stocked. The Duke + of Blank is said to have 5,000 cases of Scotch whiskey, and + I have managed to get a card of introduction to his butler. + In fact you will find that, just as with us in America, the + benefit of prohibition is intended to fall on the poorer + classes. There is no desire to interfere with the rich. + + + + +IX. "We Have With Us To-night" + +NOT only during my tour in England but for many years past it has been +my lot to speak and to lecture in all sorts of places, under all sorts +of circumstances and before all sorts of audiences. I say this, not in +boastfulness, but in sorrow. Indeed, I only mention it to establish the +fact that when I talk of lecturers and speakers, I talk of what I know. + +Few people realise how arduous and how disagreeable public lecturing is. +The public sees the lecturer step out on to the platform in his little +white waistcoat and his long tailed coat and with a false air of a +conjurer about him, and they think him happy. After about ten minutes +of his talk they are tired of him. Most people tire of a lecture in ten +minutes; clever people can do it in five. Sensible people never go to +lectures at all. But the people who do go to a lecture and who get tired +of it, presently hold it as a sort of a grudge against the lecturer +personally. In reality his sufferings are worse than theirs. + +For my own part I always try to appear as happy as possible while I am +lecturing. I take this to be part of the trade of anybody labelled a +humourist and paid as such. I have no sympathy whatever with the idea +that a humourist ought to be a lugubrious person with a face stamped +with melancholy. This is a cheap and elementary effect belonging to the +level of a circus clown. The image of "laughter shaking both his sides" +is the truer picture of comedy. Therefore, I say, I always try to appear +cheerful at my lectures and even to laugh at my own jokes. Oddly enough +this arouses a kind of resentment in some of the audience. "Well, I +will say," said a stern-looking woman who spoke to me after one of my +lectures, "you certainly do seem to enjoy your own fun." "Madam," I +answered, "if I didn't, who would?" But in reality the whole business of +being a public lecturer is one long variation of boredom and fatigue. +So I propose to set down here some of the many trials which the lecturer +has to bear. + +The first of the troubles which any one who begins giving public +lectures meets at the very outset is the fact that the audience won't +come to hear him. This happens invariably and constantly, and not +through any fault or shortcoming of the speaker. + +I don't say that this happened very often to me in my tour in England. +In nearly all cases I had crowded audiences: by dividing up the money +that I received by the average number of people present to hear me I +have calculated that they paid thirteen cents each. And my lectures are +evidently worth thirteen cents. But at home in Canada I have very often +tried the fatal experiment of lecturing for nothing: and in that case +the audience simply won't come. A man will turn out at night when he +knows he is going to hear a first class thirteen cent lecture; but when +the thing is given for nothing, why go to it? + +The city in which I live is overrun with little societies, clubs and +associations, always wanting to be addressed. So at least it is in +appearance. In reality the societies are composed of presidents, +secretaries and officials, who want the conspicuousness of office, and a +large list of other members who won't come to the meetings. For such an +association, the invited speaker who is to lecture for nothing prepares +his lecture on "Indo-Germanic Factors in the Current of History." If he +is a professor, he takes all the winter at it. You may drop in at +his house at any time and his wife will tell you that he is "upstairs +working on his lecture." If he comes down at all it is in carpet +slippers and dressing gown. His mental vision of his meeting is that of +a huge gathering of keen people with Indo-Germanic faces, hanging upon +every word. + +Then comes the fated night. There are seventeen people present. The +lecturer refuses to count them. He refers to them afterwards as "about a +hundred." To this group he reads his paper on the Indo-Germanic Factor. +It takes him two hours. When he is over the chairman invites discussion. +There is no discussion. The audience is willing to let the Indo-Germanic +factors go unchallenged. Then the chairman makes this speech. He says: + +"I am very sorry indeed that we should have had such a very poor 'turn +out' to-night. I am sure that the members who were not here have missed +a real treat in the delightful paper that we have listened to. I want +to assure the lecturer that if he comes to the Owl's Club again we +can guarantee him next time a capacity audience. And will any members, +please, who haven't paid their dollar this winter, pay it either to me +or to Mr. Sibley as they pass out." + +I have heard this speech (in the years when I have had to listen to it) +so many times that I know it by heart. I have made the acquaintance of +the Owl's Club under so many names that I recognise it at once. I am +aware that its members refuse to turn out in cold weather; that they do +not turn out in wet weather; that when the weather is really fine, +it is impossible to get them together; that the slightest +counter-attraction,--a hockey match, a sacred concert,--goes to their +heads at once. + +There was a time when I was the newly appointed occupant of a college +chair and had to address the Owl's Club. It is a penalty that all new +professors pay; and the Owls batten upon them like bats. It is one of +the compensations of age that I am free of the Owl's Club forever. But +in the days when I still had to address them, I used to take it out of +the Owls in a speech, delivered, in imagination only and not out loud, +to the assembled meeting of the seventeen Owls, after the chairman had +made his concluding remarks. It ran as follows: + +"Gentlemen--if you are such, which I doubt. I realise that the paper +which I have read on 'Was Hegel a deist?' has been an error. I spent +all the winter on it and now I realise that not one of you pups know who +Hegel was or what a deist is. Never mind. It is over now, and I am glad. +But just let me say this, only this, which won't keep you a minute. Your +chairman has been good enough to say that if I come again you will get +together a capacity audience to hear me. Let me tell you that if your +society waits for its next meeting till I come to address you again, you +will wait indeed. In fact, gentlemen--I say it very frankly--it will be +in another world." + +But I pass over the audience. Suppose there is a real audience, and +suppose them all duly gathered together. Then it becomes the business of +that gloomy gentleman--facetiously referred to in the newspaper reports +as the "genial chairman"--to put the lecturer to the bad. In nine cases +out of ten he can do so. Some chairmen, indeed, develop a great gift for +it. Here are one or two examples from my own experience: + +"Ladies and gentlemen," said the chairman of a society in a little +country town in Western Ontario, to which I had come as a paid (a very +humbly paid) lecturer, "we have with us tonight a gentleman" (here he +made an attempt to read my name on a card, failed to read it and put the +card back in his pocket)--"a gentleman who is to lecture to us on" (here +he looked at his card again)--"on Ancient Ancient,--I don't very well +see what it is--Ancient--Britain? Thank you, on Ancient Britain. Now, +this is the first of our series of lectures for this winter. The last +series, as you all know, was not a success. In fact, we came out at the +end of the year with a deficit. So this year we are starting a new line +and trying the experiment of cheaper talent." + +Here the chairman gracefully waved his hand toward me and there was a +certain amount of applause. "Before I sit down," the chairman added, +"I'd like to say that I am sorry to see such a poor turn-out to-night +and to ask any of the members who haven't paid their dollar to pay it +either to me or to Mr. Sibley as they pass out." + +Let anybody who knows the discomfiture of coming out before an audience +on any terms, judge how it feels to crawl out in front of them labelled +cheaper talent. + +Another charming way in which the chairman endeavours to put both the +speaker for the evening and the audience into an entirely good humour, +is by reading out letters of regret from persons unable to be present. +This, of course, is only for grand occasions when the speaker has been +invited to come under very special auspices. It was my fate, not long +ago, to "appear" (this is the correct word to use in this connection) in +this capacity when I was going about Canada trying to raise some money +for the relief of the Belgians. I travelled in great glory with a pass +on the Canadian Pacific Railway (not since extended: officials of the +road kindly note this) and was most generously entertained wherever I +went. + +It was, therefore, the business of the chairman at such meetings as +these to try and put a special distinction or cachet on the gathering. +This is how it was done: + +"Ladies and gentlemen," said the chairman, rising from his seat on the +platform with a little bundle of papers in his hand, "before I introduce +the speaker of the evening, I have one or two items that I want to read +to you." Here he rustles his papers and there is a deep hush in the hall +while he selects one. "We had hoped to have with us to-night Sir Robert +Borden, the Prime Minister of this Dominion. I have just received a +telegram from Sir Robert in which he says that he will not be able to be +here" (great applause). The chairman puts up his hand for silence, picks +up another telegram and continues, "Our committee, ladies and gentlemen, +telegraphed an invitation to Sir Wilfrid Laurier very cordially inviting +him to be here to-night. I have here Sir Wilfrid's answer in which he +says that he will not be able to be with us" (renewed applause). The +chairman again puts up his hand for silence and goes on, picking up one +paper after another. "The Minister of Finance regrets that he will be +unable to come" (applause). "Mr. Rodolphe Lemieux (applause) will not +be here (great applause)--the Mayor of Toronto (applause) is detained +on business (wild applause)--the Anglican Bishop of the Diocese +(applause)--the Principal of the University College, Toronto (great +applause)--the Minister of Education (applause)--none of these are +coming." There is a great clapping of hands and enthusiasm, after which +the meeting is called to order with a very distinct and palpable feeling +that it is one of the most distinguished audiences ever gathered in the +hall. + +Here is another experience of the same period while I was pursuing the +same exalted purpose: I arrived in a little town in Eastern Ontario, +and found to my horror that I was billed to "appear" in a church. I was +supposed to give readings from my works, and my books are supposed to be +of a humorous character. A church hardly seemed the right place to get +funny in. I explained my difficulty to the pastor of the church, a +very solemn looking man. He nodded his head, slowly and gravely, as he +grasped my difficulty. "I see," he said, "I see, but I think that I can +introduce you to our people in such a way as to make that right." + +When the time came, he led me up on to the pulpit platform of the +church, just beside and below the pulpit itself, with a reading desk and +a big bible and a shaded light beside it. It was a big church, and the +audience, sitting in half darkness, as is customary during a sermon, +reached away back into the gloom. The place was packed full and +absolutely quiet. Then the chairman spoke: + +"Dear friends," he said, "I want you to understand that it will be all +right to laugh tonight. Let me hear you laugh heartily, laugh right out, +just as much as ever you want to, because" (and here his voice assumed +the deep sepulchral tones of the preacher),-"when we think of the noble +object for which the professor appears to-night, we may be assured that +the Lord will forgive any one who will laugh at the professor." + +I am sorry to say, however, that none of the audience, even with the +plenary absolution in advance, were inclined to take a chance on it. + +I recall in this same connection the chairman of a meeting at a certain +town in Vermont. He represents the type of chairman who turns up so +late at the meeting that the committee have no time to explain to him +properly what the meeting is about or who the speaker is. I noticed +on this occasion that he introduced me very guardedly by name (from a +little card) and said nothing about the Belgians, and nothing about my +being (supposed to be) a humourist. This last was a great error. The +audience, for want of guidance, remained very silent and decorous, and +well behaved during my talk. Then, somehow, at the end, while some one +was moving a vote of thanks, the chairman discovered his error. So he +tried to make it good. Just as the audience were getting up to put on +their wraps, he rose, knocked on his desk and said: + +"Just a minute, please, ladies and gentlemen, just a minute. I have just +found out--I should have known it sooner, but I was late in coming to +this meeting--that the speaker who has just addressed you has done so in +behalf of the Belgian Relief Fund. I understand that he is a well-known +Canadian humourist (ha! ha!) and I am sure that we have all been +immensely amused (ha! ha!). He is giving his delightful talks (ha! +ha!)--though I didn't know this till just this minute--for the Belgian +Relief Fund, and he is giving his services for nothing. I am sure when +we realise this, we shall all feel that it has been well worth while to +come. I am only sorry that we didn't have a better turn out to-night. +But I can assure the speaker that if he will come again, we shall +guarantee him a capacity audience. And I may say, that if there are any +members of this association who have not paid their dollar this season, +they can give it either to myself or to Mr. Sibley as they pass out." + +With the amount of accumulated experience that I had behind me I was +naturally interested during my lecture in England in the chairmen who +were to introduce me. I cannot help but feel that I have acquired a fine +taste in chair men. I know them just as other experts know old furniture +and Pekinese dogs. The witty chairman, the prosy chairman, the solemn +chairman,--I know them all. As soon as I shake hands with the chairman +in the Committee room I can tell exactly how he will act. + +There are certain types of chairmen who have so often been described and +are so familiar that it is not worth while to linger on them. Everybody +knows the chairman who says; "Now, ladies and gentlemen, you have not +come here to listen to me. So I will be very brief; in fact, I will +confine my remarks to just one or two very short observations." He then +proceeds to make observations for twenty-five minutes. At the end of +it he remarks with charming simplicity, "Now I know that you are all +impatient to hear the lecturer...." + +And everybody knows the chairman who comes to the meeting with a very +imperfect knowledge of who or what the lecturer is, and is driven to +introduce him by saying: + +"Our lecturer of the evening is widely recognised as one of the greatest +authorities on; on,--on his subject in the world to-day. He comes to +us from; from a great distance and I can assure him that it is a +great pleasure to this audience to welcome a man who has done so much +to,--to,--to advance the interests of,--of; of everything as he has." + +But this man, bad as he is, is not so bad as the chairman whose +preparation for introducing the speaker has obviously been made at the +eleventh hour. Just such a chairman it was my fate to strike in the +form of a local alderman, built like an ox, in one of those small +manufacturing places in the north of England where they grow men of this +type and elect them into office. + +"I never saw the lecturer before," he said, "but I've read his book." (I +have written nineteen books.) "The committee was good enough to send me +over his book last night. I didn't read it all but I took a look at the +preface and I can assure him that he is very welcome. I understand he +comes from a college...." Then he turned directly towards me and said in +a loud voice, "What was the name of that college over there you said you +came from?" + +"McGill," I answered equally loudly. + +"He comes from McGill," the chairman boomed out. "I never heard of +McGill myself but I can assure him he's welcome. He's going to lecture +to us on,--what did you say it was to be about?" + +"It's a humorous lecture," I said. + +"Ay, it's to be a humorous lecture, ladies and gentlemen, and I'll +venture to say it will be a rare treat. I'm only sorry I can't stay for +it myself as I have to get back over to the Town Hall for a meeting. So +without more ado I'll get off the platform and let the lecturer go on +with his humour." + +A still more terrible type of chairman is one whose mind is evidently +preoccupied and disturbed with some local happening and who comes on to +the platform with a face imprinted with distress. Before introducing the +lecturer he refers in moving tones to the local sorrow, whatever it is. +As a prelude to a humorous lecture this is not gay. + +Such a chairman fell to my lot one night before a gloomy audience in +a London suburb. "As I look about this hall to-night," he began in a +doleful whine, "I see many empty seats." Here he stifled a sob. "Nor am +I surprised that a great many of our people should prefer to-night to +stay quietly at home--" + +I had no clue to what he meant. I merely gathered that some particular +sorrow must have overwhelmed the town that day. + +"To many it may seem hardly fitting that after the loss our town has +sustained we should come out here to listen to a humorous lecture,--", +"What's the trouble?" I whispered to a citizen sitting beside me on the +platform. + +"Our oldest resident"--he whispered back--"he died this morning." + +"How old?" + +"Ninety-four," he whispered. + +Meantime the chairman, with deep sobs in his voice, continued: + +"We debated in our committee whether or not we should have the lecture. +Had it been a lecture of another character our position would have been +less difficult,--", By this time I began to feel like a criminal. "The +case would have been different had the lecture been one that contained +information, or that was inspired by some serious purpose, or that could +have been of any benefit. But this is not so. We understand that this +lecture which Mr. Leacock has already given, I believe, twenty or thirty +times in England,--" + +Here he turned to me with a look of mild reproval while the silent +audience, deeply moved, all looked at me as at a man who went around +the country insulting the memory of the dead by giving a lecture thirty +times. + +"We understand, though this we shall have an opportunity of testing for +ourselves presently, that Mr. Leacock's lecture is not of a character +which,--has not, so to speak, the kind of value, in short, is not a +lecture of that class." + +Here he paused and choked back a sob. + +"Had our poor friend been spared to us for another six years he would +have rounded out the century. But it was not to be. For two or three +years past he has noted that somehow his strength was failing, that, for +some reason or other, he was no longer what he had been. Last month +he began to droop. Last week he began to sink. Speech left him last +Tuesday. This morning he passed, and he has gone now, we trust, in +safety to where there are no lectures." + +The audience were now nearly in tears. + +The chairman made a visible effort towards firmness and control. + +"But yet," he continued, "our committee felt that in another sense +it was our duty to go on with our arrangements. I think, ladies and +gentlemen, that the war has taught us all that it is always our duty to +'carry on,' no matter how hard it may be, no matter with what reluctance +we do it, and whatever be the difficulties and the dangers, we must +carry on to the end: for after all there is an end and by resolution and +patience we can reach it. + +"I will, therefore, invite Mr. Leacock to deliver to us his humorous +lecture, the title of which I have forgotten, but I understand it to +be the same lecture which he has already given thirty or forty times in +England." + +But contrast with this melancholy man the genial and pleasing person who +introduced me, all upside down, to a metropolitan audience. + +He was so brisk, so neat, so sure of himself that it didn't seem +possible that he could make any kind of a mistake. I thought it +unnecessary to coach him. He seemed absolutely all right. + +"It is a great pleasure,"--he said, with a charming, easy appearance of +being entirely at home on the platform,--"to welcome here tonight our +distinguished Canadian fellow citizen, Mr. Learoyd"--he turned half +way towards me as he spoke with a sort of gesture of welcome, admirably +executed. If only my name had been Learoyd instead of Leacock it would +have been excellent. + +"There are many of us," he continued, "who have awaited Mr. Learoyd's +coming with the most pleasant anticipations. We seemed from his books to +know him already as an old friend. In fact I think I do not exaggerate +when I tell Mr. Learoyd that his name in our city has long been a +household word. I have very, very great pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, +in introducing to you Mr. Learoyd." + +As far as I know that chairman never knew his error. At the close of my +lecture he said that he was sure that the audience "were deeply indebted +to Mr. Learoyd," and then with a few words of rapid, genial apology +buzzed off, like a humming bird, to other avocations. But I have amply +forgiven him: anything for kindness and geniality; it makes the whole +of life smooth. If that chairman ever comes to my home town he is hereby +invited to lunch or dine with me, as Mr. Learoyd or under any name that +he selects. + +Such a man is, after all, in sharp contrast to the kind of chairman who +has no native sense of the geniality that ought to accompany his office. +There is, for example, a type of man who thinks that the fitting way +to introduce a lecturer is to say a few words about the finances of the +society to which he is to lecture (for money) and about the difficulty +of getting members to turn out to hear lectures. + +Everybody has heard such a speech a dozen times. But it is the paid +lecturer sitting on the platform who best appreciates it. It runs like +this: + +"Now, ladies and gentlemen, before I invite the lecturer of the evening +to address us there are a few words that I would like to say. There are +a good many members who are in arrears with their fees. I am aware that +these are hard times and it is difficult to collect money but at the +same time the members ought to remember that the expenses of the society +are very heavy. The fees that are asked by the lecturers, as I suppose +you know, have advanced very greatly in the last few years. In fact I +may say that they are becoming almost prohibitive." + +This discourse is pleasant hearing for the lecturer. He can see the +members who have not yet paid their annual dues eyeing him with hatred. +The chairman goes on: + +"Our finance committee were afraid at first that we could not afford to +bring Mr. Leacock to our society. But fortunately through the personal +generosity of two of our members who subscribed ten pounds each out of +their own pocket we are able to raise the required sum." + + (Applause: during which the lecturer sits looking and feeling + like the embodiment of the "required sum.") + +"Now, ladies and gentlemen," continues the chairman, "what I feel is +that when we have members in the society who are willing to make this +sacrifice,--because it is a sacrifice, ladies and gentlemen,--we ought +to support them in every way. The members ought to think it their duty +to turn out to the lectures. I know that it is not an easy thing to do. +On a cold night, like this evening, it is hard, I admit it is hard, to +turn out from the comfort of one's own fireside and come and listen to a +lecture. But I think that the members should look at it not as a matter +of personal comfort but as a matter of duty towards this society. We +have managed to keep this society alive for fifteen years and, though I +don't say it in any spirit of boasting, it has not been an easy thing +to do. It has required a good deal of pretty hard spade work by the +committee. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I suppose you didn't come here to +listen to me and perhaps I have said enough about our difficulties and +troubles. So without more ado (this is always a favourite phrase with +chairmen) I'll invite Mr. Leacock to address the society; oh, just a +word before I sit down. Will all those who are leaving before the end of +the lecture kindly go out through the side door and step as quietly as +possible? Mr. Leacock." + +Anybody who is in the lecture business knows that that introduction is +far worse than being called Mr. Learoyd. + + +When any lecturer goes across to England from this side of the water +there is naturally a tendency on the part of the chairman to play +upon this fact. This is especially true in the case of a Canadian like +myself. The chairman feels that the moment is fitting for one of those +great imperial thoughts that bind the British Empire together. But +sometimes the expression of the thought falls short of the full glory of +the conception. + +Witness this (word for word) introduction that was used against me by a +clerical chairman in a quiet spot in the south of England: + +"Not so long ago, ladies and gentlemen," said the vicar, "we used to +send out to Canada various classes of our community to help build up +that country. We sent out our labourers, we sent out our scholars and +professors. Indeed we even sent out our criminals. And now," with a wave +of his hand towards me, "they are coming back." + +There was no laughter. An English audience is nothing if not literal; +and they are as polite as they are literal. They understood that I was a +reformed criminal and as such they gave me a hearty burst of applause. + +But there is just one thing that I would like to chronicle here in +favour of the chairman and in gratitude for his assistance. Even at his +worst he is far better than having no chairman at all. Over in England a +great many societies and public bodies have adopted the plan of "cutting +out the chairman." Wearying of his faults, they have forgotten the +reasons for his existence and undertaken to do without him. + +The result is ghastly. The lecturer steps up on to the platform alone +and unaccompanied. There is a feeble ripple of applause; he makes his +miserable bow and explains with as much enthusiasm as he can who he is. +The atmosphere of the thing is so cold that an 'Arctic expedition isn't +in it with it. I found also the further difficulty that in the absence +of the chairman very often the audience, or a large part of it, doesn't +know who the lecturer is. On many occasions I received on appearing a +wild burst of applause under the impression that I was somebody else. +I have been mistaken in this way for Mr. Briand, then Prime Minister of +France, for Charlie Chaplin, for Mrs. Asquith,--but stop, I may get into +a libel suit. All I mean is that without a chairman "we celebrities" get +terribly mixed up together. + +To one experience of my tour as a lecturer I shall always be able to +look back with satisfaction. I nearly had the pleasure of killing a man +with laughing: and this in the most literal sense. American lecturers +have often dreamed of doing this. I nearly did it. The man in question +was a comfortable apoplectic-looking man with the kind of merry rubicund +face that is seen in countries where they don't have prohibition. He was +seated near the back of the hall and was laughing uproariously. All of +a sudden I realised that something was happening. The man had collapsed +sideways on to the floor; a little group of men gathered about him; they +lifted him up and I could see them carrying him out, a silent and inert +mass. As in duty bound I went right on with my lecture. But my heart +beat high with satisfaction. I was sure that I had killed him. The +reader may judge how high these hopes rose when a moment or two later a +note was handed to the chairman who then asked me to pause for a +moment in my lecture and stood up and asked, "Is there a doctor in the +audience?" A doctor rose and silently went out. The lecture continued; +but there was no more laughter; my aim had now become to kill another +of them and they knew it. They were aware that if they started laughing +they might die. In a few minutes a second note was handed to the +chairman. He announced very gravely, "A second doctor is wanted." The +lecture went on in deeper silence than ever. All the audience were +waiting for a third announcement. It came. A new message was handed to +the chairman. He rose and said, "If Mr. Murchison, the undertaker, is in +the audience, will he kindly step outside." + +That man, I regret to say, got well. + +Disappointing though it is to read it, he recovered. I sent back next +morning from London a telegram of enquiry (I did it in reality so as +to have a proper proof of his death) and received the answer, "Patient +doing well; is sitting up in bed and reading Lord Haldane's Relativity; +no danger of relapse." + + + + +X. Have the English any Sense of Humour? + +It was understood that the main object of my trip to England was to find +out whether the British people have any sense of humour. No doubt the +Geographical Society had this investigation in mind in not paying +my expenses. Certainly on my return I was at once assailed with the +question on all sides, "Have they got a sense of humour? Even if it is +only a rudimentary sense, have they got it or have they not?" I propose +therefore to address myself to the answer to this question. + +A peculiar interest always attaches to humour. There is no quality of +the human mind about which its possessor is more sensitive than the +sense of humour. A man will freely confess that he has no ear for music, +or no taste for fiction, or even no interest in religion. But I have yet +to see the man who announces that he has no sense of humour. In point of +fact, every man is apt to think himself possessed of an exceptional gift +in this direction, and that even if his humour does not express itself +in the power either to make a joke or to laugh at one, it none the less +consists in a peculiar insight or inner light superior to that of other +people. + +The same thing is true of nations. Each thinks its own humour of +an entirely superior kind, and either refuses to admit, or admits +reluctantly, the humorous quality of other peoples. The Englishman may +credit the Frenchman with a certain light effervescence of mind which he +neither emulates nor envies; the Frenchman may acknowledge that English +literature shows here and there a sort of heavy playfulness; but neither +of them would consider that the humour of the other nation could stand a +moment's comparison with his own. + +Yet, oddly enough, American humour stands as a conspicuous exception to +this general rule. A certain vogue clings to it. Ever since the spacious +days of Artemus Ward and Mark Twain it has enjoyed an extraordinary +reputation, and this not only on our own continent, but in England. It +was in a sense the English who "discovered" Mark Twain; I mean it +was they who first clearly recognised him as a man of letters of the +foremost rank, at a time when academic Boston still tried to explain him +away as a mere comic man of the West. In the same way Artemus Ward is +still held in affectionate remembrance in London, and, of the later +generation, Mr. Dooley at least is a household word. + +This is so much the case that a sort of legend has grown around American +humour. It is presumed to be a superior article and to enjoy the same +kind of pre-eminence as French cooking, the Russian ballet, and Italian +organ grinding. With this goes the converse supposition that the British +people are inferior in humour, that a joke reaches them only with great +difficulty, and that a British audience listens to humour in gloomy and +unintelligent silence. People still love to repeat the famous story of +how John Bright listened attentively to Artemus Ward's lecture in +London and then said, gravely, that he "doubted many of the young man's +statements"; and readers still remember Mark Twain's famous parody of +the discussion of his book by a wooden-headed reviewer of an English +review. + +But the legend in reality is only a legend. If the English are inferior +to Americans in humour, I, for one, am at a loss to see where it comes +in. If there is anything on our continent superior in humour to Punch I +should like to see it. If we have any more humorous writers in our midst +than E. V. Lucas and Charles Graves and Owen Seaman I should like to +read what they write; and if there is any audience capable of more +laughter and more generous appreciation than an audience in London, or +Bristol, or Aberdeen, I should like to lecture to it. + +During my voyage of discovery in Great Britain I had very exceptional +opportunities for testing the truth of these comparisons. It was my +good fortune to appear as an avowed humourist in all the great British +cities. I lectured as far north as Aberdeen and as far south as Brighton +and Bournemouth; I travelled eastward to Ipswich and westward into +Wales. I spoke on serious subjects, but with a joke or two in loco, +at the universities, at business gatherings, and at London dinners; I +watched, lost in admiration, the inspired merriment of the Savages +of Adelphi Terrace, and in my moments of leisure I observed, with a +scientific eye, the gaieties of the London revues. As a result of which +I say with conviction that, speaking by and large, the two communities +are on the same level. A Harvard audience, as I have reason gratefully +to acknowledge, is wonderful. But an Oxford audience is just as good. A +gathering of business men in a textile town in the Midlands is just +as heavy as a gathering of business men in Decatur, Indiana, but no +heavier; and an audience of English schoolboys as at Rugby or at Clifton +is capable of a wild and sustained merriment not to be outdone from +Halifax to Los Angeles. + +There is, however, one vital difference between American and English +audiences which would be apt to discourage at the outset any American +lecturer who might go to England. The English audiences, from the nature +of the way in which they have been brought together, expect more. In +England they still associate lectures with information. We don't. Our +American lecture audiences are, in nine cases out of ten, organised by +a woman's club of some kind and drawn not from the working class, but +from--what shall we call it?--the class that doesn't have to work, +or, at any rate, not too hard. It is largely a social audience, well +educated without being "highbrow," and tolerant and kindly to a degree. +In fact, what the people mainly want is to see the lecturer. They have +heard all about G. K. Chesterton and Hugh Walpole and John Drinkwater, +and so when these gentlemen come to town the woman's club want to have +a look at them, just as the English people, who are all crazy about +animals, flock to the zoo to look at a new giraffe. They don't expect +the giraffe to do anything in particular. They want to see it, that's +all. So with the American woman's club audience. After they have +seen Mr. Chesterton they ask one another as they come out--just as an +incidental matter--"Did you understand his lecture?" and the answer is, +"I can't say I did." But there is no malice about it. They can now go +and say that they have seen Mr. Chesterton; that's worth two dollars in +itself. The nearest thing to this attitude of mind that I heard of in +England was at the City Temple in London, where they have every week a +huge gathering of about two thousand people, to listen to a (so-called) +popular lecture. When I was there I was told that the person who had +preceded me was Lord Haldane, who had lectured on Einstein's Theory +of Relativity. I said to the chairman, "Surely this kind of audience +couldn't understand a lecture like that!" He shook his head. "No," he +said, "they didn't understand it, but they all enjoyed it." + +I don't mean to imply by what I said above that American lecture +audiences do not appreciate good things or that the English lecturers +who come to this continent are all giraffes. On the contrary: when the +audience finds that Chesterton and Walpole and Drinkwater, in addition +to being visible, are also singularly interesting lecturers, they are +all the better pleased. But this doesn't alter the fact that they have +come primarily to see the lecturer. + +Not so in England. Here a lecture (outside London) is organised on a +much sterner footing. The people are there for information. The lecture +is organised not by idle, amiable, charming women, but by a body called, +with variations, the Philosophical Society. From experience I should +define an English Philosophical Society as all the people in town +who don't know anything about philosophy. The academic and university +classes are never there. The audience is only of plainer folk. In the +United States and Canada at any evening lecture a large sprinkling of +the audience are in evening dress. At an English lecture (outside of +London) none of them are; philosophy is not to be wooed in such a garb. +Nor are there the same commodious premises, the same bright lights, and +the same atmosphere of gaiety as at a society lecture in America. On +the contrary, the setting is a gloomy one. In England, in winter, night +begins at four in the afternoon. In the manufacturing towns of the +Midlands and the north (which is where the philosophical societies +flourish) there is always a drizzling rain and wet slop underfoot, +a bedraggled poverty in the streets, and a dimness of lights that +contrasts with the glare of light in an American town. There is no +visible sign in the town that a lecture is to happen, no placards, no +advertisements, nothing. The lecturer is conducted by a chairman through +a side door in a dingy building (The Institute, established 1840), and +then all of a sudden in a huge, dim hall--there sits the Philosophical +Society. There are a thousand of them, but they sit as quiet as a prayer +meeting. They are waiting to be fed--on information. + +Now I don't mean to say that the Philosophical Society are not a good +audience. In their own way they're all right. Once the Philosophical +Society has decided that a lecture is humorous they do not stint +their laughter. I have had many times the satisfaction of seeing a +Philosophical Society swept away from its moorings and tossing in a sea +of laughter, as generous and as whole-hearted as anything we ever see in +America. + +But they are not so willing to begin. With us the chairman has only to +say to the gaily dressed members of the Ladies' Fortnightly Club, "Well, +ladies, I'm sure we are all looking forward very much to Mr. Walpole's +lecture," and at once there is a ripple of applause, and a responsive +expression on a hundred charming faces. + +Not so the Philosophical Society of the Midlands. The chairman rises. +He doesn't call for silence. It is there, thick. "We have with us +to-night," he says, "a man whose name is well known to the Philosophical +Society" (here he looks at his card), "Mr. Stephen Leacock." (Complete +silence.) "He is a professor of political economy at--" Here he turns to +me and says, "Which college did you say?" I answer quite audibly in +the silence, "At McGill." "He is at McGill," says the chairman. (More +silence.) "I don't suppose, however, ladies and gentlemen, that he's +come here to talk about political economy." This is meant as a jest, but +the audience takes it as a threat. "However, ladies and gentlemen, you +haven't come here to listen to me" (this evokes applause, the first of +the evening), "so without more ado" (the man always has the impression +that there's been a lot of "ado," but I never see any of it) "I'll now +introduce Mr. Leacock." (Complete silence.) + +Nothing of which means the least harm. It only implies that the +Philosophical Society are true philosophers in accepting nothing +unproved. They are like the man from Missouri. They want to be shown. +And undoubtedly it takes a little time, therefore, to rouse them. I +remember listening with great interest to Sir Michael Sadler, who is +possessed of a very neat wit, introducing me at Leeds. He threw three +jokes, one after the other, into the heart of a huge, silent audience +without effect. He might as well have thrown soap bubbles. But the +fourth joke broke fair and square like a bomb in the middle of the +Philosophical Society and exploded them into convulsions. The process is +very like what artillery men tell of "bracketing" the object fired at, +and then landing fairly on it. + +In what I have just written about audiences I have purposely been using +the word English and not British, for it does not in the least apply to +the Scotch. There is, for a humorous lecturer, no better audience in +the world than a Scotch audience. The old standing joke about the Scotch +sense of humour is mere nonsense. Yet one finds it everywhere. + +"So you're going to try to take humour up to Scotland," the most eminent +author in England said to me. "Well, the Lord help you. You'd better +take an axe with you to open their skulls; there is no other way." How +this legend started I don't know, but I think it is because the English +are jealous of the Scotch. They got into the Union with them in 1707 +and they can't get out. The Scotch don't want Home Rule, or Swa Raj, or +Dominion status, or anything; they just want the English. When they want +money they go to London and make it; if they want literary fame they +sell their books to the English; and to prevent any kind of political +trouble they take care to keep the Cabinet well filled with Scotchmen. +The English for shame's sake can't get out of the Union, so they +retaliate by saying that the Scotch have no sense of humour. But there's +nothing in it. One has only to ask any of the theatrical people and they +will tell you that the audiences in Glasgow and Edinburgh are the best +in the British Isles--possess the best taste and the best ability to +recognise what is really good. + +The reason for this lies, I think, in the well-known fact that the +Scotch are a truly educated people, not educated in the mere sense of +having been made to go to school, but in the higher sense of having +acquired an interest in books and a respect for learning. In England +the higher classes alone possess this, the working class as a whole know +nothing of it. But in Scotland the attitude is universal. And the more +I reflect upon the subject, the more I believe that what counts most +in the appreciation of humour is not nationality, but the degree of +education enjoyed by the individual concerned. I do not think that there +is any doubt that educated people possess a far wider range of humour +than the uneducated class. Some people, of course, get overeducated +and become hopelessly academic. The word "highbrow" has been invented +exactly to fit the case. The sense of humour in the highbrow has become +atrophied, or, to vary the metaphor, it is submerged or buried under the +accumulated strata of his education, on the top soil of which flourishes +a fine growth of conceit. But even in the highbrow the educated +appreciation of humour is there--away down. Generally, if one attempts +to amuse a highbrow he will resent it as if the process were beneath +him; or perhaps the intellectual jealousy and touchiness with which he +is always overcharged will lead him to retaliate with a pointless +story from Plato. But if the highbrow is right off his guard and has no +jealousy in his mind, you may find him roaring with laughter and wiping +his spectacles, with his sides shaking, and see him converted as by +magic into the merry, clever little school-boy that he was thirty years +ago, before his education ossified him. + +But with the illiterate and the rustic no such process is possible. His +sense of humour may be there as a sense, but the mechanism for setting +it in operation is limited and rudimentary. Only the broadest and most +elementary forms of joke can reach him. The magnificent mechanism of the +art of words is, quite literally, a sealed book to him. Here and there, +indeed, a form of fun is found so elementary in its nature and yet so +excellent in execution that it appeals to all alike, to the illiterate +and to the highbrow, to the peasant and the professor. Such, for +example, are the antics of Mr. Charles Chaplin or the depiction of Mr. +Jiggs by the pencil of George McManus. But such cases are rare. As a +rule the cheap fun that excites the rustic to laughter is execrable to +the man of education. + +In the light of what I have said before it follows that the individuals +that are findable in every English or American audience are much the +same. All those who lecture or act are well aware that there are certain +types of people that are always to be seen somewhere in the hall. Some +of these belong to the general class of discouraging people. They listen +in stolid silence. No light of intelligence ever gleams on their faces; +no response comes from their eyes. + +I find, for example, that wherever I go there is always seated in the +audience, about three seats from the front, a silent man with a big +motionless face like a melon. He is always there. I have seen that +man in every town or city from Richmond, Indiana, to Bournemouth in +Hampshire. He haunts me. I get to expect him. I feel like nodding to +him from the platform. And I find that all other lecturers have the same +experience. Wherever they go the man with the big face is always there. +He never laughs; no matter if the people all round him are +convulsed with laughter, he sits there like a rock--or, no, like a +toad--immovable. What he thinks I don't know. Why he comes to lectures I +cannot guess. Once, and once only, I spoke to him, or, rather, he spoke +to me. I was coming out from the lecture and found myself close to him +in the corridor. It had been a rather gloomy evening; the audience had +hardly laughed at all; and I know nothing sadder than a humorous lecture +without laughter. The man with the big face, finding himself beside me, +turned and said, "Some of them people weren't getting that to-night." +His tone of sympathy seemed to imply that he had got it all himself; +if so, he must have swallowed it whole without a sign. But I have since +thought that this man with the big face may have his own internal form +of appreciation. This much, however, I know: to look at him from the +platform is fatal. One sustained look into his big, motionless face and +the lecturer would be lost; inspiration would die upon one's lips--the +basilisk isn't in it with him. + +Personally, I no sooner see the man with the big face than instinctively +I turn my eyes away. I look round the hall for another man that I know +is always there, the opposite type, the little man with the spectacles. +There he sits, good soul, about twelve rows back, his large spectacles +beaming with appreciation and his quick face anticipating every point. +I imagine him to be by trade a minor journalist or himself a writer of +sorts, but with not enough of success to have spoiled him. + +There are other people always there, too. There is the old lady who +thinks the lecture improper; it doesn't matter how moral it is, she's +out for impropriety and she can find it anywhere. Then there is another +very terrible man against whom all American lecturers in England should +be warned--the man who is leaving on the 9 P.M. train. English railways +running into suburbs and near-by towns have a schedule which is +expressly arranged to have the principal train leave before the lecture +ends. Hence the 9-P.M.-train man. He sits right near the front, and +at ten minutes to nine he gathers up his hat, coat, and umbrella very +deliberately, rises with great calm, and walks firmly away. His air is +that of a man who has stood all that he can and can bear no more. Till +one knows about this man, and the others who rise after him, it is very +disconcerting; at first I thought I must have said something to reflect +upon the royal family. But presently the lecturer gets to understand +that it is only the nine-o'clock train and that all the audience know +about it. Then it's all right. It's just like the people rising and +stretching themselves after the seventh innings in baseball. + +In all that goes above I have been emphasising the fact that the British +and the American sense of humour are essentially the same thing. +But there are, of course, peculiar differences of form and peculiar +preferences of material that often make them seem to diverge widely. + +By this I mean that each community has, within limits, its own +particular ways of being funny and its own particular conception of a +joke. Thus, a Scotchman likes best a joke which he has all to himself +or which he shares reluctantly with a few; the thing is too rich to +distribute. The American loves particularly as his line of joke an +anecdote with the point all concentrated at the end and exploding in a +phrase. The Englishman loves best as his joke the narration of something +that actually did happen and that depends, of course; for its point on +its reality. + +There are plenty of minor differences, too, in point of mere form, and +very naturally each community finds the particular form used by the +others less pleasing than its own. In fact, for this very reason each +people is apt to think its own humour the best. + +Thus, on our side of the Atlantic, to cite our own faults first, we +still cling to the supposed humour of bad spelling. We have, indeed, +told ourselves a thousand times over that bad spelling is not funny, but +is very tiresome. Yet it is no sooner laid aside and buried than it gets +resurrected. I suppose the real reason is that it is funny, at least +to our eyes. When Bill Nye spells wife with "yph" we can't help being +amused. Now Bill Nye's bad spelling had absolutely no point to it except +its oddity. At times it was extremely funny, but as a mode it led easily +to widespread and pointless imitation. It was the kind of thing--like +poetry--that anybody can do badly. It was most deservedly abandoned with +execration. No American editor would print it to-day. But witness the +new and excellent effect produced with bad spelling by Mr. Ring W. +Lardner. Here, however, the case is altered; it is not the falseness of +Mr. Lardner's spelling that is the amusing feature of it, but the truth +of it. When he writes, "dear friend, Al, I would of rote sooner," etc., +he is truer to actual sound and intonation than the lexicon. The mode +is excellent. But the imitations will soon debase it into such bad coin +that it will fail to pass current. In England, however, the humour of +bad spelling does not and has never, I believe, flourished. Bad spelling +is only used in England as an attempt to reproduce phonetically a +dialect; it is not intended that the spelling itself should be thought +funny, but the dialect that it represents. But the effect, on the whole, +is tiresome. A little dose of the humour of Lancashire or Somerset or +Yorkshire pronunciation may be all right, but a whole page of it looks +like the gibbering of chimpanzees set down on paper. + +In America also we run perpetually to the (supposed) humour of slang, a +form not used in England. If we were to analyse what we mean by slang I +think it would be found to consist of the introduction of new metaphors +or new forms of language of a metaphorical character, strained almost +to the breaking point. Sometimes we do it with a single word. When some +genius discovers that a "hat" is really only "a lid" placed on top of +a human being, straightway the word "lid" goes rippling over the +continent. Similarly a woman becomes a "skirt," and so on ad infinitum. + +These words presently either disappear or else retain a permanent place, +being slang no longer. No doubt half our words, if not all of them, +were once slang. Even within our own memory we can see the whole +process carried through; "cinch" once sounded funny; it is now standard +American-English. But other slang is made up of descriptive phrases. At +the best, these slang phrases are--at least we think they are--extremely +funny. But they are funniest when newly coined, and it takes a master +hand to coin them well. For a supreme example of wild vagaries of +language used for humour, one might take O. Henry's "Gentle Grafter." +But here the imitation is as easy as it is tiresome. The invention of +pointless slang phrases without real suggestion or merit is one of our +most familiar forms of factory-made humour. Now the English people are +apt to turn away from the whole field of slang. In the first place it +puzzles them--they don't know whether each particular word or phrase +is a sort of idiom already known to Americans, or something (as with O. +Henry) never said before and to be analysed for its own sake. The result +is that with the English public the great mass of American slang writing +(genius apart) doesn't go. I have even found English people of undoubted +literary taste repelled from such a master as O. Henry (now read by +millions in England) because at first sight they get the impression that +it is "all American slang." + +Another point in which American humour, or at least the form which it +takes, differs notably from British, is in the matter of story telling. +It was a great surprise to me the first time I went out to a dinner +party in London to find that my host did not open the dinner by telling +a funny story; that the guests did not then sit silent trying to "think +of another"; that some one did not presently break silence by saying, "I +heard a good one the other day,"--and so forth. And I realised that in +this respect English society is luckier than ours. + +It is my candid opinion that no man ought to be allowed to tell a funny +story or anecdote without a license. We insist rightly enough that every +taxi-driver must have a license, and the same principle should apply +to anybody who proposes to act as a raconteur. Telling a story is a +difficult thing--quite as difficult as driving a taxi. And the risks +of failure and accident and the unfortunate consequences of such to the +public, if not exactly identical, are, at any rate, analogous. + +This is a point of view not generally appreciated. A man is apt to think +that just because he has heard a good story he is able and entitled to +repeat it. He might as well undertake to do a snake dance merely because +he has seen Madame Pavlowa do one. The point of a story is apt to lie +in the telling, or at least to depend upon it in a high degree. Certain +stories, it is true, depend so much on the final point, or "nub," as we +Americans call it, that they are almost fool-proof. But even these can +be made so prolix and tiresome, can be so messed up with irrelevant +detail, that the general effect is utter weariness relieved by a kind of +shock at the end. Let me illustrate what I mean by a story with a "nub" +or point. I will take one of the best known, so as to make no claim to +originality--for example, the famous anecdote of the man who wanted to +be "put off at Buffalo." Here it is: + +A man entered a sleeping-car and said to the porter, "At what time do +we get to Buffalo?" The porter answered, "At half-past three in the +morning, sir." "All right," the man said; "now I want to get off at +Buffalo, and I want you to see that I get off. I sleep heavily and I'm +hard to rouse. But you just make me wake up, don't mind what I say, +don't pay attention if I kick about it, just put me off, do you see?" +"All right, sir," said the porter. The man got into his berth and fell +fast asleep. He never woke or moved till it was broad daylight and +the train was a hundred miles beyond Buffalo. He called angrily to the +porter, "See here, you, didn't I tell you to put me off at Buffalo?" The +porter looked at him, aghast. "Well, I declare to goodness, boss!" he +exclaimed; "if it wasn't you, who was that man that I threw off this +train at half-past three at Buffalo?" + +Now this story is as nearly fool-proof as can be. And yet it is amazing +how badly it can be messed up by a person with a special gift for +mangling a story. He does it something after this fashion: + +"There was a fellow got on the train one night and he had a berth +reserved for Buffalo; at least the way I heard it, it was Buffalo, +though I guess, as a matter of fact, you might tell it on any other town +just as well--or no, I guess he didn't have his berth reserved, he got +on the train and asked the porter for a reservation for Buffalo--or, +anyway, that part doesn't matter--say that he had a berth for Buffalo or +any other place, and the porter came through and said, 'Do you want an +early call?'--or no, he went to the porter--that was it--and said--" + +But stop. The rest of the story becomes a mere painful waiting for the +end. + +Of course the higher type of funny story is the one that depends for its +amusing quality not on the final point, or not solely on it, but on the +wording and the narration all through. This is the way in which a story +is told by a comedian or a person who is a raconteur in the real sense. +When Sir Harry Lauder narrates an incident, the telling of it is funny +from beginning to end. When some lesser person tries to repeat it +afterwards, there is nothing left but the final point. The rest is +weariness. + +As a consequence most story-tellers are driven to telling stories that +depend on the point or "nub" and not on the narration. The storyteller +gathers these up till he is equipped with a sort of little repertory of +fun by which he hopes to surround himself with social charm. In America +especially (by which I mean here the United States and Canada, but not +Mexico) we suffer from the story-telling habit. As far as I am able to +judge, English society is not pervaded and damaged by the story-telling +habit as much as is society in the United States and Canada. On our +side of the Atlantic story-telling at dinners and on every other social +occasion has become a curse. In every phase of social and intellectual +life one is haunted by the funny anecdote. Any one who has ever attended +a Canadian or American banquet will recall the solemn way in which the +chairman rises and says: "Gentlemen, it is to me a very great pleasure +and a very great honour to preside at this annual dinner. There was an +old darky once--" and so forth. When he concludes he says, "I will now +call upon the Rev. Dr. Stooge, Head of the Provincial University, Haroe +English Any Sense of Humour? to propose the toast 'Our Dominion.'" Dr. +Stooge rises amid great applause and with great solemnity begins, "There +were once two Irishmen--" and so on to the end. But in London, England, +it is apparently not so. Not long ago I had the pleasure of meeting at +dinner a member of the Government. I fully anticipated that as a member +of the Government he would be expected to tell a funny story about an +old darky, just as he would on our side of the water. In fact, I should +have supposed that he could hardly get into the Government unless he +did tell a funny story of some sort. But all through dinner the Cabinet +Minister never said a word about either a Methodist minister, or a +commercial traveller, or an old darky, or two Irishmen, or any of the +stock characters of the American repertory. On another occasion I dined +with a bishop of the Church. I expected that when the soup came he would +say, "There was an old darky--" After which I should have had to listen +with rapt attention, and, when he had finished, without any pause, +rejoin, "There were a couple of Irishmen once--" and so on. But the +bishop never said a word of the sort. + +I can further, for the sake of my fellow-men in Canada and the United +States who may think of going to England, vouchsafe the following facts: +If you meet a director of the Bank of England, he does not say: "I am +very glad to meet you. Sit down. There was a mule in Arkansas once," +etc. How they do their banking without that mule I don't know. But they +manage it. I can certify also that if you meet the proprietor of a great +newspaper he will not begin by saying, "There was a Scotchman once." In +fact, in England, you can mingle freely in general society without being +called upon either to produce a funny story or to suffer from one. + +I don't mean to deny that the American funny story, in capable hands, is +amazingly funny and that it does brighten up human intercourse. But +the real trouble lies, not in the fun of the story, but in the painful +waiting for the point to come and in the strained and anxious silence +that succeeds it. Each person around the dinner table is trying to +"think of another." There is a dreadful pause. The hostess puts up a +prayer that some one may "think of another." Then at last, to the relief +of everybody, some one says: "I heard a story the other day--I don't +know whether you've heard it--" And the grateful cries of "No! no! go +ahead" show how great the tension has been. + +Nine times out of ten the people have heard the story before; and ten +times out of nine the teller damages it in the telling. But his hearers +are grateful to him for having saved them from the appalling mantle +of silence and introspection which had fallen upon the table. For the +trouble is that when once two or three stories have been told it seems +to be a point of honour not to subside into mere conversation. It seems +rude, when a story-teller has at last reached the triumphant ending and +climax of the mule from Arkansas, it seems impolite, to follow it up by +saying, "I see that Germany refuses to pay the indemnity." It can't be +done. Either the mule or the indemnity--one can't have both. + +The English, I say, have not developed the American custom of the funny +story as a form of social intercourse. But I do not mean to say that +they are sinless in this respect. As I see it, they hand round in +general conversation something nearly as bad in the form of what one may +call the literal anecdote or personal experience. By this I refer to the +habit of narrating some silly little event that has actually happened to +them or in their sight, which they designate as "screamingly funny," and +which was perhaps very funny when it happened but which is not the least +funny in the telling. The American funny story is imaginary. It never +happened. Somebody presumably once made it up. It is fiction. Thus +there must once have been some great palpitating brain, some glowing +imagination, which invented the story of the man who was put off at +Buffalo. But the English "screamingly funny" story is not imaginary. It +really did happen. It is an actual personal experience. In short, it is +not fiction but history. + +I think--if one may say it with all respect--that in English society +girls and women are especially prone to narrate these personal +experiences as contributions to general merriment rather than the men. +The English girl has a sort of traditional idea of being amusing; the +English man cares less about it. He prefers facts to fancy every time, +and as a rule is free from that desire to pose as a humourist +which haunts the American mind. So it comes about that most of the +"screamingly funny" stories are told in English society by the women. +Thus the counterpart of "put me off at Buffalo" done into English +would be something like this: "We were so amused the other night in +the sleeping-car going to Buffalo. There was the most amusing old negro +making the beds, a perfect scream, you know, and he kept insisting that +if we wanted to get up at Buffalo we must all go to bed at nine o'clock. +He positively wouldn't let us sit up--I mean to say it was killing the +way he wanted to put us to bed. We all roared!" + +Please note that roar at the end of the English personal anecdote. It is +the sign that indicates that the story is over. When you are assured by +the narrators that all the persons present "roared" or "simply roared," +then you can be quite sure that the humorous incident is closed and that +laughter is in place. + +Now, as a matter of fact, the scene with the darky porter may have been, +when it really happened, most amusing. But not a trace of it gets +over in the story. There is nothing but the bare assertion that it was +"screamingly funny" or "simply killing." But the English are such an +honest people that when they say this sort of thing they believe one +another and they laugh. + +But, after all, why should people insist on telling funny stories at +all? Why not be content to buy the works of some really first-class +humourist and read them aloud in proper humility of mind without trying +to emulate them? Either that or talk theology. + +On my own side of the Atlantic I often marvel at our extraordinary +tolerance and courtesy to one another in the matter of story-telling. +I have never seen a bad story-teller thrown forcibly out of the room or +even stopped and warned; we listen with the most wonderful patience to +the worst of narration. The story is always without any interest except +in the unknown point that will be brought in later. But this, until it +does come, is no more interesting than to-morrow's breakfast. Yet for +some reason or other we permit this story-telling habit to invade and +damage our whole social life. The English always criticise this and +think they are absolutely right. To my mind in their social life they +give the "funny story" its proper place and room and no more. That is to +say--if ten people draw their chairs in to the dinner table and somebody +really has just heard a story and wants to tell it, there is no reason +against it. If he says, "Oh, by the way, I heard a good story to-day," +it is just as if he said, "Oh, by the way, I heard a piece of news about +John Smith." It is quite admissible as conversation. But he doesn't sit +down to try to think, along with nine other rival thinkers, of all the +stories that he had heard, and that makes all the difference. + +The Scotch, by the way, resemble us in liking to tell and hear stories. +But they have their own line. They like the stories to be grim, dealing +in a jocose way with death and funerals. The story begins (will the +reader kindly turn it into Scotch pronunciation for himself), "There was +a Sandy MacDonald had died and the wife had the body all laid out for +burial and dressed up very fine in his best suit," etc. Now for me that +beginning is enough. To me that is not a story, but a tragedy. I am +so sorry for Mrs. MacDonald that I can't think of anything else. But I +think the explanation is that the Scotch are essentially such a devout +people and live so closely within the shadow of death itself that they +may without irreverence or pain jest where our lips would falter. Or +else, perhaps they don't care a cuss whether Sandy MacDonald died or +not. Take it either way. + +But I am tired of talking of our faults. Let me turn to the more +pleasing task of discussing those of the English. In the first place, +and as a minor matter of form, I think that English humour suffers from +the tolerance afforded to the pun. For some reason English people find +puns funny. We don't. Here and there, no doubt, a pun may be made that +for some exceptional reason becomes a matter of genuine wit. But the +great mass of the English puns that disfigure the Press every week are +mere pointless verbalisms that to the American mind cause nothing but +weariness. + +But even worse than the use of puns is the peculiar pedantry, not to say +priggishness, that haunts the English expression of humour. To make a +mistake in a Latin quotation or to stick on a wrong ending to a Latin +word is not really an amusing thing. To an ancient Roman, perhaps, it +might be. But then we are not ancient Romans; indeed, I imagine that +if an ancient Roman could be resurrected, all the Latin that any of our +classical scholars can command would be about equivalent to the French +of a cockney waiter on a Channel steamer. Yet one finds even the +immortal Punch citing recently as a very funny thing a newspaper +misquotation of "urbis et orbis" instead of "urbi et orbos," or the +other way round. I forget which. Perhaps there was some further point in +it that I didn't see, but, anyway, it wasn't funny. Neither is it +funny if a person, instead of saying Archimedes, says Archimeeds; why +shouldn't it have been Archimeeds? The English scale of values in these +things is all wrong. Very few Englishmen can pronounce Chicago properly +and they think nothing of that. But if a person mispronounces the +name of a Greek village of what O. Henry called "The Year B.C." it is +supposed to be excruciatingly funny. + +I think in reality that this is only a part of the overdone scholarship +that haunts so much of English writing--not the best of it, but a lot of +it. It is too full of allusions and indirect references to all sorts of +extraneous facts. The English writer finds it hard to say a plain thing +in a plain way. He is too anxious to show in every sentence what a +fine scholar he is. He carries in his mind an accumulated treasure of +quotations, allusions, and scraps and tags of history, and into this, +like Jack Horner, he must needs "stick in his thumb and pull out a +plum." Instead of saying, "It is a fine morning," he prefers to write, +"This is a day of which one might say with the melancholy Jacques, it is +a fine morning." + +Hence it is that many plain American readers find English humour +"highbrow." Just as the English are apt to find our humour "slangy" and +"cheap," so we find theirs academic and heavy. But the difference, after +all, is of far less moment than might be supposed. It lies only on the +surface. Fundamentally, as I said in starting, the humour of the two +peoples is of the same kind and on an equal level. + +There is one form of humour which the English have more or less to +themselves, nor do I envy it to them. I mean the merriment that they +appear able to draw out of the criminal courts. To me a criminal court +is a place of horror, and a murder trial the last word in human tragedy. +The English criminal courts I know only from the newspapers and ask +no nearer acquaintance. But according to the newspapers the courts, +especially when a murder case is on, are enlivened by flashes of +judicial and legal humour that seem to meet with general approval. The +current reports in the Press run like this: + +"The prisoner, who is being tried on a charge of having burned his +wife to death in a furnace, was placed in the dock and gave his name as +Evans. Did he say 'Evans or Ovens?' asked Mr. Justice Blank. The court +broke into a roar, in which all joined but the prisoner...." Or take +this: "How many years did you say you served the last time?" asked the +judge. "Three," said the prisoner. "Well, twice three is six," said the +judge, laughing till his sides shook; "so I'll give you six years." + +I don't say that those are literal examples of the humour of the +criminal court. But they are close to it. For a judge to joke is as easy +as it is for a schoolmaster to joke in his class. His unhappy audience +has no choice but laughter. No doubt in point of intellect the English +judges and the bar represent the most highly trained product of +the British Empire. But when it comes to fun, they ought not to pit +themselves against the unhappy prisoner. + +Why not take a man of their own size? For true amusement Mr. Charles +Chaplin or Mr. Leslie Henson could give them sixty in a hundred. I even +think I could myself. + +One final judgment, however, might with due caution be hazarded. I do +not think that, on the whole, the English are quite as fond of humour +as we are. I mean they are not so willing to welcome at all times the +humorous point of view as we are in America. The English are a serious +people, with many serious things to think of--football, horse racing, +dogs, fish, and many other concerns that demand much national thought: +they have so many national preoccupations of this kind that they have +less need for jokes than we have. They have higher things to talk about, +whereas on our side of the water, except when the World's Series is +being played, we have few, if any, truly national topics. + +And yet I know that many people in England would exactly reverse this +last judgment and say that the Americans are a desperately serious +people. That in a sense is true. Any American who takes up with an idea +such as New Thought, Psychoanalysis or Eating Sawdust, or any "uplift" +of the kind becomes desperately lopsided in his seriousness, and as a +very large number of us cultivate New Thought, or practise breathing +exercises, or eat sawdust, no doubt the English visitors think us a +desperate lot. + +Anyway, it's an ill business to criticise another people's shortcomings. +What I said at the start was that the British are just as humorous as +are the Americans, or the Canadians, or any of us across the Atlantic, +and for greater Certainty I repeat it at the end. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's My Discovery of England, by Stephen Leacock + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MY DISCOVERY OF ENGLAND *** + +***** This file should be named 3532.txt or 3532.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/3/3532/ + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan, and The Distributed Proofers + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.05/20/01*END* +[Portions of this header are copyright (C) 2001 by Michael S. Hart +and may be reprinted only when these Etexts are free of all fees.] +[Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be used in any sales +of Project Gutenberg Etexts or other materials be they hardware or +software or any other related product without express permission.] + + + + + +This etext was produced by Gardner Buchanan <gbuchana@home.com> with +help from the distributed proofers at http://charlz.dynip.com/gutenberg + + + + + +My Discovery of England, 1922 + +by Leacock, Stephen, 1869-1944 + + + + + +Introduction of Mr. Stephen Leacock +Given by Sir Owen Seaman +on the Occasion of His First +Lecture in London + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: It is usual on these occasions for the +chairman to begin something like this: "The lecturer, I am sure, +needs no introduction from me." And indeed, when I have been the +lecturer and somebody else has been the chairman, I have more than +once suspected myself of being the better man of the two. Of course +I hope I should always have the good manners--I am sure Mr. Leacock +has--to disguise that suspicion. However, one has to go through +these formalities, and I will therefore introduce the lecturer to +you. + +Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr. Stephen Leacock. Mr. Leacock, +this is the flower of London intelligence--or perhaps I should say +one of the flowers; the rest are coming to your other lectures. + +In ordinary social life one stops at an introduction and does not +proceed to personal details. But behaviour on the platform, as on +the stage, is seldom ordinary. I will therefore tell you a thing +or two about Mr. Leacock. In the first place, by vocation he is a +Professor of Political Economy, and he practises humour--frenzied +fiction instead of frenzied finance--by way of recreation. There +he differs a good deal from me, who have to study the products of +humour for my living, and by way of recreation read Mr. Leacock on +political economy. + +Further, Mr. Leacock is all-British, being English by birth and +Canadian by residence, I mention this for two reasons: firstly, +because England and the Empire are very proud to claim him for +their own, and, secondly, because I do not wish his nationality to +be confused with that of his neighbours on the other side. For +English and American humourists have not always seen eye to eye. +When we fail to appreciate their humour they say we are too dull +and effete to understand it: and when they do not appreciate ours +they say we haven't got any. + +Now Mr. Leacock's humour is British by heredity; but he has caught +something of the spirit of American humour by force of association. +This puts him in a similar position to that in which I found myself +once when I took the liberty of swimming across a rather large loch +in Scotland. After climbing into the boat I was in the act of drying +myself when I was accosted by the proprietor of the hotel adjacent +to the shore. "You have no business to be bathing here," he shouted. +"I'm not," I said; "I'm bathing on the other side." In the same +way, if anyone on either side of the water is unintelligent enough +to criticise Mr. Leacock's humour, he can always say it comes from +the other side. But the truth is that his humour contains all that +is best in the humour of both hemispheres. + +Having fulfilled my duty as chairman, in that I have told you +nothing that you did not know before--except, perhaps, my swimming +feat, which never got into the Press because I have a very bad +publicity agent--I will not detain you longer from what you are +really wanting to get at; but ask Mr. Leacock to proceed at once +with his lecture on "Frenzied Fiction." + + + + +CONTENTS + +I. THE BALANCE OF TRADE IN IMPRESSIONS +II. I AM INTERVIEWED BY THE PRESS +III. IMPRESSIONS OF LONDON +IV. A CLEAR VIEW OF THE GOVERNMENT AND POLITICS OF ENGLAND +V. OXFORD AS I SEE IT +VI. THE BRITISH AND THE AMERICAN PRESS +VII. BUSINESS IN ENGLAND +VIII. IS PROHIBITION COMING TO ENGLAND? +IX. "WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT" +X. HAVE THE ENGLISH ANY SENSE OF HUMOUR? + + + +My Discovery of England + +I. The Balance of Trade in Impressions + +FOR some years past a rising tide of lecturers and literary men +from England has washed upon the shores of our North American +continent. The purpose of each one of them is to make a new discovery +of America. They come over to us travelling in great simplicity, +and they return in the ducal suite of the Aquitania. They carry +away with them their impressions of America, and when they reach +England they sell them. This export of impressions has now been +going on so long that the balance of trade in impressions is all +disturbed. There is no doubt that the Americans and Canadians have +been too generous in this matter of giving away impressions. We +emit them with the careless ease of a glow worm, and like the +glow-worm ask for nothing in return. + +But this irregular and one-sided traffic has now assumed such great +proportions that we are compelled to ask whether it is right to +allow these people to carry away from us impressions of the very +highest commercial value without giving us any pecuniary compensation +whatever. British lecturers have been known to land in New York, +pass the customs, drive uptown in a closed taxi, and then forward +to England from the closed taxi itself ten dollars' worth of +impressions of American national character. I have myself seen an +English literary man,--the biggest, I believe: he had at least the +appearance of it; sit in the corridor of a fashionable New York +hotel and look gloomily into his hat, and then from his very hat +produce an estimate of the genius of Amer ica at twenty cents a +word. The nice question as to whose twenty cents that was never +seems to have occurred to him. + +I am not writing in the faintest spirit of jealousy. I quite admit +the extraordinary ability that is involved in this peculiar +susceptibility to impressions. I have estimated that some of these +English visitors have been able to receive impressions at the rate of +four to the second; in fact, they seem to get them every time they +see twenty cents. But without jealousy or complaint, I do feel that +somehow these impressions are inadequate and fail to depict us as we +really are. + +Let me illustrate what I mean. Here are some of the impressions of +New York, gathered from visitors' discoveries of America, and +reproduced not perhaps word for word but as closely as I can remember +them. "New York", writes one, "nestling at the foot of the Hudson, +gave me an impression of cosiness, of tiny graciousness: in short, of +weeness." But compare this--"New York," according to another +discoverer of America, "gave me an impression of size, of vastness; +there seemed to be a big ness about it not found in smaller places." +A third visitor writes, "New York struck me as hard, cruel, almost +inhuman." This, I think, was because his taxi driver had charged him +three dollars. "The first thing that struck me in New York," writes +another, "was the Statue of Liberty." But, after all, that was only +natural: it was the first thing that could reach him. + +Nor is it only the impressions of the metropolis that seem to fall +short of reality. Let me quote a few others taken at random here +and there over the continent. + +"I took from Pittsburg," says an English visitor, "an impression +of something that I could hardly define--an atmosphere rather than +an idea." + +All very well, But, after all, had he the right to take it? Granted +that Pittsburg has an atmosphere rather than an idea, the attempt +to carry away this atmosphere surely borders on rapacity. + +"New Orleans," writes another visitor, "opened her arms to me and +bestowed upon me the soft and languorous kiss of the Caribbean." +This statement may or may not be true; but in any case it hardly +seems the fair thing to mention it. + +"Chicago," according to another book of discovery, "struck me as a +large city. Situated as it is and where it is, it seems destined to +be a place of importance." + +Or here, again, is a form of "impression" that recurs again and +again-"At Cleveland I felt a distinct note of optimism in the air." + +This same note of optimism is found also at Toledo, at Toronto--in +short, I believe it indicates nothing more than that some one gave +the visitor a cigar. Indeed it generally occurs during the familiar +scene in which the visitor describes his cordial reception in an +unsuspecting American town: thus: + +"I was met at the station (called in America the depot) by a member +of the Municipal Council driving his own motor car. After giving me +an excellent cigar, he proceeded to drive me about the town, to +various points of interest, including the municipal abattoir, where +he gave me another excellent cigar, the Carnegie public library, the +First National Bank (the courteous manager of which gave me an +excellent cigar) and the Second Congregational Church where I had the +pleasure of meeting the pastor. The pastor, who appeared a man of +breadth and culture, gave me another cigar. In the evening a dinner, +admirably cooked and excellently served, was tendered to me at a +leading hotel." And of course he took it. After which his statement +that he carried away from the town a feeling of optimism explains +itself: he had four cigars, the dinner, and half a page of +impressions at twenty cents a word. + +Nor is it only by the theft of impressions that we suffer at the +hands of these English discoverers of America. It is a part of the +system also that we have to submit to being lectured to by our +talented visitors. It is now quite understood that as soon as an +English literary man finishes a book he is rushed across to America +to tell the people of the United States and Canada all about it, and +how he came to write it. At home, in his own country, they don't care +how he came to write it. He's written it and that's enough. But in +America it is different. One month after the distinguished author's +book on The Boyhood of Botticelli has appeared in London, he is seen +to land in New York very quietly out of one of the back portholes of +the Olympic. That same afternoon you will find him in an armchair in +one of the big hotels giving off impressions of America to a group of +reporters. After which notices appear in all the papers to the effect +that he will lecture in Carnegie Hall on "Botticelli the Boy". The +audience is assured beforehand. It consists of all the people who +feel that they have to go because they know all about Botticelli and +all the people who feel that they have to go because they don't know +anything about Botticelli. By this means the lecturer is able to rake +the whole country from Montreal to San Francisco with "Botticelli the +Boy". Then he turns round, labels his lecture "Botticelli the Man", +and rakes it all back again. All the way across the continent and +back he emits impressions, estimates of national character, and +surveys of American genius. He sails from New York in a blaze of +publicity, with his cordon of reporters round him, and a month later +publishes his book "America as I Saw It". It is widely read--in +America. + +In the course of time a very considerable public feeling was aroused +in the United States and Canada over this state of affairs. The +lack of reciprocity in it seemed unfair. It was felt (or at least +I felt) that the time had come when some one ought to go over and +take some impressions off England. The choice of such a person (my +choice) fell upon myself. By an arrangement with the Geographical +Society of America, acting in conjunction with the Royal Geographical +Society of England (to both of whom I communicated my proposal), +I went at my own expense. + +It is scarcely feasible to give here full details in regard to my +outfit and equipment, though I hope to do so in a later and more +extended account of my expedition. Suffice it to say that my outfit, +which was modelled on the equipment of English lecturers in America, +included a complete suit of clothes, a dress shirt for lecturing +in, a fountain pen and a silk hat. The dress shirt, I may say for +the benefit of other travellers, proved invaluable. The silk hat, +however, is no longer used in England except perhaps for scrambling +eggs in. + +I pass over the details of my pleasant voyage from New York to +Liverpool. During the last fifty years so many travellers have made +the voyage across the Atlantic that it is now impossible to obtain +any impressions from the ocean of the slightest commercial value. My +readers will recall the fact that Washington Irving, as far back as a +century ago, chronicled the pleasure that one felt during an Atlantic +voyage in idle day dreams while lying prone upon the bowsprit and +watching the dolphins leaping in the crystalline foam. Since his +time so many gifted writers have attempted to do the same thing that +on the large Atlantic liners the bowsprit has been removed, or at any +rate a notice put up: "Authors are requested not to lie prostrate on +the bowsprit." But even without this advantage, three or four +generations of writers have chronicled with great minuteness their +sensations during the transit. I need only say that my sensations +were just as good as theirs. I will content myself with chronicling +the fact that during the voyage we passed two dolphins, one whale and +one iceberg (none of them moving very fast at the time), and that on +the fourth day out the sea was so rough that the Captain said that in +forty years he had never seen such weather. One of the steerage +passengers, we were told, was actually washed overboard: I think it +was over board that he was washed, but it may have been on board the +ship itself. + +I pass over also the incidents of my landing in Liverpool, except +perhaps to comment upon the extraordinary behaviour of the English +customs officials. Without wishing in any way to disturb international +relations, one cannot help noticing the rough and inquisitorial +methods of the English customs men as compared with the gentle and +affectionate ways of the American officials at New York. The two +trunks that I brought with me were dragged brutally into an open +shed, the strap of one of them was rudely unbuckled, while the lid +of the other was actually lifted at least four inches. The +trunks were then roughly scrawled with chalk, the lids slammed to, +and that was all. Not one of the officials seemed to care to look +at my things or to have the politeness to pretend to want to. I +had arranged my dress suit and my pyjamas so as to make as effective +a display as possible: a New York customs officer would have been +delighted with it. Here they simply passed it over. "Do open this +trunk," I asked one of the officials, "and see my pyjamas." "I +don't think it is necessary, sir," the man answered. There was a +coldness about it that cut me to the quick. + +But bad as is the conduct of the English customs men, the immigration +officials are even worse. I could not help being struck by the +dreadful carelessness with which people are admitted into England. +There are, it is true, a group of officials said to be in charge of +immigration, but they know nothing of the discriminating care +exercised on the other side of the Atlantic. + +"Do you want to know," I asked one of them, "whether I am a +polygamist?" + +"No, sir," he said very quietly. + +"Would you like me to tell you whether I am fundamentally opposed +to any and every system of government?" + +The man seemed mystified. "No, sir," he said. "I don't know that +I would." + +"Don't you care?" I asked. + +"Well, not particularly, sir," he answered. + +I was determined to arouse him from his lethargy. + +"Let me tell you, then," I said, "that I am an anarchistic polygamist, +that I am opposed to all forms of government, that I object to any +kind of revealed religion, that I regard the state and property +and marriage as the mere tyranny of the bourgeoisie, and that I +want to see class hatred carried to the point where it forces every +one into brotherly love. Now, do I get in ?" + +The official looked puzzled for a minute. "You are not Irish, are +you, sir?" he said. + +"No." + +"Then I think you can come in all right." he answered. + +The journey from Liverpool to London, like all other English +journeys, is short. This is due to the fact that England is a small +country: it contains only 50,000 square miles, whereas the United +States, as every one knows, contains three and a half billion. I +mentioned this fact to an English fellow passenger on the train, +together with a provisional estimate of the American corn crop for +1922: but he only drew his rug about his knees, took a sip of brandy +from his travelling flask, and sank into a state resembling death. +I contented myself with jotting down an impression of incivility +and paid no further attention to my fellow traveller other than to +read the labels on his lug gage and to peruse the headings of his +newspaper by peeping over his shoulder. + +It was my first experience of travelling with a fellow passenger in a +compartment of an English train, and I admit now that I was as yet +ignorant of the proper method of conduct. Later on I became fully +conversant with the rule of travel as understood in England. I +should have known, of course, that I must on no account speak to the +man. But I should have let down the window a little bit in such a way +as to make a strong draught on his ear. Had this failed to break +down his reserve I should have placed a heavy valise in the rack over +his head so balanced that it might fall on him at any moment. Failing +this again, I could have blown rings of smoke at him or stepped on +his feet under the pretence of looking out of the window. Under the +English rule as long as he bears this in silence you are not supposed +to know him. In fact, he is not supposed to be there. You and he each +presume the other to be a mere piece of empty space. But let him once +be driven to say, "Oh, I beg your pardon, I wonder if you would mind +my closing the window," and he is lost. After that you are entitled +to tell him anything about the corn crop that you care to. + +But in the present case I knew nothing of this, and after three +hours of charming silence I found myself in London. + + + +II. I Am Interviewed by the Press + +IMMEDIATELY upon my arrival in London I was interviewed by the +Press. I was interviewed in all twenty times. I am not saying this +in any spirit of elation or boastfulness. I am simply stating it +as a fact--interviewed twenty times, sixteen times by men and twice +by women. But as I feel that the results of these interviews were +not all that I could have wished, I think it well to make some +public explanation of what happened. + +The truth is that we do this thing so differently over in America +that I was for the time being completely thrown off my bearings. +The questions that I had every right to expect after many years of +American and Canadian interviews failed to appear. + +I pass over the fact that being interviewed for five hours is a +fatiguing process. I lay no claim to exemption for that. But to +that no doubt was due the singular discrepancies as to my physical +appearance which I detected in the London papers. + +The young man who interviewed me immediately after breakfast +described me as "a brisk, energetic man, still on the right side +of forty, with energy in every movement." + +The lady who wrote me up at 11.30 reported that my hair was turning +grey, and that there was "a peculiar languor" in my manner. + +And at the end the boy who took me over at a quarter to two said, +"The old gentleman sank wearily upon a chair in the hotel lounge. +His hair is almost white." + +The trouble is that I had not understood that London reporters are +supposed to look at a man's personal appearance. In America we +never bother with that. We simply describe him as a "dynamo." For +some reason or other it always pleases everybody to be called a +"dynamo," and the readers, at least with us, like +to read about people who are "dynamos," and hardly care for anything +else. + +In the case of very old men we sometimes call them "battle-horses" +or "extinct volcanoes," but beyond these three classes we hardly +venture on description. So I was misled. I had expected that the +reporter would say: "As soon as Mr. Leacock came across the floor +we felt we were in the presence of a 'dynamo' (or an 'extinct +battle-horse' as the case may be)." Otherwise I would have kept up +those energetic movements all the morning. But they fatigue me, +and I did not think them necessary. But I let that pass. + +The more serious trouble was the questions put to me by the reporters. +Over in our chief centres of population we use another set altogether. +I am thinking here especially of the kind of interview that I have +given out in Youngstown, Ohio, and Richmond, Indiana, and +Peterborough, Ontario. In all these places--for example, in +Youngstown, Ohiothe reporter asks as his first question, "What is +your impression of Youngstown?" + +In London they don't. They seem indifferent to the fate of their +city. Perhaps it is only English pride. For all I know they may +have been burning to know this, just as the Youngstown, Ohio, people +are, and were too proud to ask. In any case I will insert here the +answer I had written out in my pocket-book (one copy for each +paper--the way we do it in Youngstown), and which read: + +"London strikes me as emphatically a city with a future. Standing +as she does in the heart of a rich agricultural district with +railroad connection in all directions, and resting, as she must, +on a bed of coal and oil, I prophesy that she will one day be a +great city." + +The advantage of this is that it enables the reporter to get just the +right kind of heading: PROPHESIES BRIGHT FUTURE FOR LONDON. Had that +been used my name would have stood higher there than it does +to-day--unless the London people are very different from the people +in Youngstown, which I doubt. As it is they don't know whether their +future is bright or is as dark as mud. But it's not my fault. The +reporters never asked me. + +If the first question had been handled properly it would have led +up by an easy and pleasant transition to question two, which always +runs: "Have you seen our factories?" To which the answer is: + +"I have. I was taken out early this morning by a group of your +citizens (whom I cannot thank enough) in a Ford car to look at your +pail and bucket works. At eleven-thirty I was taken out by a second +group in what was apparently the same car to see your soap works. +I understand that you are the second nail-making centre east of +the Alleghenies, and I am amazed and appalled. This afternoon I am +to be taken out to see your wonderful system of disposing of +sewerage, a thing which has fascinated me from childhood." + +Now I am not offering any criticism of the London system of +interviewing, but one sees at once how easy and friendly for all +concerned this Youngstown method is; how much better it works than +the London method of asking questions about literature and art and +difficult things of that sort. I am sure that there must be soap +works and perhaps a pail factory somewhere in London. But during my +entire time of residence there no one ever offered to take me to +them. As for the sewerage--oh, well, I suppose we are more hospitable +in America. Let it go at that. + +I had my answer all written and ready, saying: + +"I understand that London is the second greatest hop-consuming, +the fourth hog-killing, and the first egg-absorbing centre in the +world." + +But what I deplore still more, and I think with reason, is the total +omission of the familiar interrogation: "What is your impression of +our women?" + +That's where the reporter over on our side hits the nail every time. +That is the point at which we always nudge him in the ribs and buy him +a cigar, and at which youth and age join in a sly jest together. Here +again the sub-heading comes in so nicely: THINKS YOUNGSTOWN WOMEN +CHARMING. And they are. They are, everywhere. But I hate to think that +I had to keep my impression of London women unused in my pocket while +a young man asked me whether I thought modern literature owed more to +observation and less to inspiration than some other kind of +literature. + +Now that's exactly the kind of question, the last one, that the +London reporters seem to harp on. They seemed hipped about literature; +and their questions are too difficult. One asked me whether the +American drama was structurally inferior to the French. I don't +call that fair. I told him I didn't know; that I used to know the +answer to it when I was at college, but that I had forgotten it, +and that, anyway, I am too well off now to need to remember it. + +That question is only one of a long list that they asked me about art +and literature. I missed nearly all of them, except one as to whether +I thought Al Jolson or Frank Tinney was the higher artist, and even +that one was asked by an American who is wasting himself on the London +Press. + +I don't want to speak in anger. But I say it frankly, the atmosphere +of these young men is not healthy, and I felt that I didn't want +to see them any more. + +Had there been a reporter of the kind we have at home in Montreal +or Toledo or Springfield, Illinois, I would have welcomed him at +my hotel. He could have taken me out in a Ford car and shown me a +factory and told me how many cubic feet of water go down the Thames +in an hour. I should have been glad of his society, and he and I +would have together made up the kind of copy that people of his +class and mine read. But I felt that if any young man came along +to ask about the structure of the modern drama, he had better go +on to the British Museum. + +Meantime as the reporters entirely failed to elicit the large fund +of information which I acquired, I reserve my impressions of London +for a chapter by themselves. + + + +III. - Impressions of London + +BEFORE setting down my impressions of the great English metropolis; +a phrase which I have thought out as a designation for London; I +think it proper to offer an initial apology. I find that I receive +impressions with great difficulty and have nothing of that easy +facility in picking them up which is shown by British writers on +Ameriea. I remember Hugh Walpole telling me that he could hardly +walk down Broadway without getting at least three dollars' worth +and on Fifth Avenue five dollars' worth; and I recollect that St. +John Ervine came up to my house in Montreal, drank a cup of tea, +borrowed some tobacco, and got away with sixty dollars' worth of +impressions of Canadian life and character. + +For this kind of thing I have only a despairing admiration. I can get +an impression if I am given time and can think about it beforehand. +But it requires thought. This fact was all the more distressing to me +in as much as one of the leading editors of America had made me a +proposal, as honourable to him as it was Iucrative to me, that +immediately on my arrival in London;--or just before it,--I should +send him a thousand words on the genius of the English, and five +hundred words on the spirit of London, and two hundred words of +personal chat with Lord Northcliffe. This contract I was unable to +fulfil except the personal chat with Lord Northcliffe, which proved +an easy matter as he happened to be away in Australia. + +But I have since pieced together my impressions as conscientiously +as I could and I present them here. If they seem to be a little +bit modelled on British impressions of America I admit at once that +the influence is there. We writers all act and react on one another; +and when I see a good thing in another man's book I react on it at +once. + +London, the name of which is already known to millions of readers +of this book, is beautifully situated on the river Thames, which +here sweeps in a wide curve with much the same breadth and majesty +as the St. Jo River at South Bend, Indiana. London, like South Bend +itself, is a city of clean streets and admirable sidewalks, and +has an excellent water supply. One is at once struck by the number +of excellent and well-appointed motor cars that one sees on every +hand, the neatness of the shops and the cleanliness and cheerfulness +of the faces of the people. In short, as an English visitor said +of Peterborough, Ontario, there is a distinct note of optimism in +the air. I forget who it was who said this, but at any rate I have +been in Peterborough myself and I have seen it. + +Contrary to my expectations and contrary to all our Transatlantic +precedents, I was not met at the depot by one of the leading +citizens, himself a member of the Municipal Council, driving his +own motor car. He did not tuck a fur rug about my knees, present +me with a really excellent cigar and proceed to drive me about the +town so as to show me the leading points of interest, the municipal +reservoir, the gas works and the municipal abattoir. In fact he +was not there. But I attribute his absence not to any lack of +hospitality but merely to a certain reserve in the English character. +They are as yet unused to the arrival of lecturers. When they get +to be more accustomed to their coming, they will learn to take them +straight to the municipal abattoir just as we do. + +For lack of better guidance, therefore, I had to form my impressions +of London by myself. In the mere physical sense there is much to +attract the eye. The city is able to boast of many handsome public +buildings and offices which compare favourably with anything on the +other side of the Atlantic. On the bank of the Thames itself rises +the power house of the Westminster Electric Supply Corporation, a +handsome modern edifice in the later Japanese style. Close by are the +commodious premises of the Imperial Tobacco Company, while at no +great distance the Chelsea Gas Works add a striking feature of +rotundity. Passing northward, one observes Westminster Bridge, +notable as a principal station of the underground railway. This +station and the one next above it, the Charing Cross one, are +connected by a wide thoroughfare called Whitehall. One of the best +American drug stores is here situated. The upper end of Whitehall +opens into the majestic and spacious Trafalgar Square. Here are +grouped in imposing proximity the offices of the Canadian Pacific and +other railways, The International Sleeping Car Company, the Montreal +Star, and the Anglo-Dutch Bank. Two of the best American barber shops +are conveniently grouped near the Square, while the existence of a +tall stone monument in the middle of the Square itself enables the +American visitor to find them without difficulty. Passing eastward +towards the heart of the city, one notes on the left hand the +imposing pile of St. Paul's, an enormous church with a round dome on +the top, suggesting strongly the first Church of Christ (Scientist) +on Euclid Avenue, Cleveland. + +But the English churches not being labelled, the visitor is often +at a loss to distinguish them. + +A little further on one finds oneself in the heart of financial +London. Here all the great financial institutions of America--The +First National Bank of Milwaukee, The Planters National Bank of +St. Louis, The Montana Farmers Trust Co., and many others,--have +either their offices or their agents. The Bank of England--which +acts as the London Agent of The Montana Farmers Trust Company,-- +and the London County Bank, which represents the People's Deposit +Co., of Yonkers, N.Y., are said to be in the neighbourhood. + +This particular part of London is connected with the existence of +that strange and mysterious thing called "the City." I am still +unable to decide whether the city is a person, or a place, or a +thing. But as a form of being I give it credit for being the most +emotional, the most volatile, the most peculiar creature in the +world. You read in the morning paper that the City is "deeply +depressed." At noon it is reported that the City is "buoyant" and by +four o'clock that the City is "wildly excited." + +I have tried in vain to find the causes of these peculiar changes +of feeling. The ostensible reasons, as given in the newspaper, are +so trivial as to be hardly worthy of belief. For example, here is +the kind of news that comes out from the City. "The news that a +modus vivendi has been signed between the Sultan of Kowfat and the +Shriek-ul-Islam has caused a sudden buoyancy in the City. Steel +rails which had been depressed all morning reacted immediately +while American mules rose up sharply to par." . . . "Monsieur Poincar, +speaking at Bordeaux, said that henceforth France must seek to +retain by all possible means the ping-pong championship of the +world: values in the City collapsed at once." . . . "Despatches from +Bombay say that the Shah of Persia yesterday handed a golden slipper +to the Grand Vizier Feebli Pasha as a sign that he might go and +chase himself: the news was at once followed by a drop in oil, and +a rapid attempt to liquidate everything that is fluid . . ." + +But these mysteries of the City I do not pretend to explain. I have +passed through the place dozens of times and never noticed anything +particular in the way of depression or buoyancy, or falling oil, +or rising rails. But no doubt it is there. + +A little beyond the city and further down the river the visitor +finds this district of London terminating in the gloomy and forbidding +Tower, the principal penitentiary of the city. Here Queen Victoria +was imprisoned for many years. + +Excellent gasoline can be had at the American Garage immediately +north of the Tower, where motor repairs of all kinds are also +carried on. + +These, however, are but the superficial pictures of London, gathered +by the eye of the tourist. A far deeper meaning is found in the +examination of the great historic monuments of the city. The +principal ones of these are the Tower of London (just mentioned), the +British Museum and Westminster Abbey. No visitor to London should +fail to see these. Indeed he ought to feel that his visit to England +is wasted unless he has seen them. I speak strongly on the point +because I feel strongly on it. To my mind there is something about +the grim fascination of the historic Tower, the cloistered quiet of +the Museum and the majesty of the ancient Abbey, which will make it +the regret of my life that I didn't see any one of the three. I fully +meant to: but I failed: and I can only hope that the circumstances of +my failure may be helpful to other visitors. + +The Tower of London I most certainly intended to inspect. Each day, +after the fashion of every tourist, I wrote for myself a little +list of things to do and I always put the Tower of London on it. +No doubt the reader knows the kind of little list that I mean. It +runs: + + 1. Go to bank. + + 2. Buy a shirt. + + 3. National Picture Gallery. + + 4. Razor blades. + + 5. Tower of London. + + 6. Soap. + +This itinerary, I regret to say, was never carried out in full. I was +able at times both to go to the bank and buy a shirt in a single +morning: at other times I was able to buy razor blades and almost to +find the National Picture Gallery. Meantime I was urged on all sides +by my London acquaintances not to fail to see the Tower. "There's a +grim fascination about the place," they said; "you mustn't miss it." +I am quite certain that in due course of time I should have made my +way to the Tower but for the fact that I made a fatal discovery. I +found out that the London people who urged me to go and see the Tower +had never seen it themselves. It appears they never go near it. One +night at a dinner a man next to me said, "Have you seen the Tower? +You really ought to. There's a grim fascination about it." I looked +him in the face. "Have you seen it yourself?" I asked. "Oh, yes," he +answered. "I've seen it." "When?" I asked. The man hesitated. "When I +was just a boy," he said, "my father took me there." "How long ago is +that?" I enquired. "About forty years ago," he answered; + +"I always mean to go again but I don't somehow seem to get the +time." + +After this I got to understand that when a Londoner says, "Have +you seen the Tower of London?" the answer is, "No, and neither have +you." + +Take the parallel case of the British Museum. Here is a place that is +a veritable treasure house. A repository of some of the most +priceless historical relics to be found upon the earth. It contains, +for instance, the famous Papyrus Manuscript of Thotmes II of the +first Egyptian dynasty--a thing known to scholars all over the world +as the oldest extant specimen of what can be called writing; indeed +one can here see the actual evolution (I am quoting from a work of +reference, or at least from my recollection of it) from the +ideographic cuneiform to the phonetic syllabic script. Every time I +have read about that manuscript and have happened to be in Orillia +(Ontario) or Schenectady (N.Y.) or any such place, I have felt that I +would be willing to take a whole trip to England to have five minutes +at the British Museum, just five, to look at that papyrus. Yet as +soon as I got to London this changed. The railway stations of London +have been so arranged that to get to any train for the north or west, +the traveller must pass the British Museum. The first time I went by +it in a taxi, I felt quite a thrill. "Inside those walls," I thought +to myself, "is the manuscript of Thotmes II." The next time I +actually stopped the taxi. "Is that the British Museum?" I asked the +driver, "I think it is something of the sort, sir," he said. I +hesitated. "Drive me," I said, "to where I can buy safety razor +blades." + +After that I was able to drive past the Museum with the quiet +assurance of a Londoner, and to take part in dinner table discussions +as to whether the British Museum or the Louvre contains the greater +treasures. It is quite easy any way. All you have to do is to +remember that The Winged Victory of Samothrace is in the Louvre +and the papyrus of Thotmes II (or some such document) is in the +Museum. + +The Abbey, I admit, is indeed majestic. I did not intend to miss +going into it. But I felt, as so many tourists have, that I wanted to +enter it in the proper frame of mind. I never got into the frame of +mind; at least not when near the Abbey itself. I have been in exactly +that frame of mind when on State Street, Chicago, or on King Street, +Toronto, or anywhere three thousand miles away from the Abbey. But by +bad luck I never struck both the frame of mind and the Abbey at the +same time. + +But the Londoners, after all, in not seeing their own wonders, are +only like the rest of the world. The people who live in Buffalo never +go to see Niagara Falls; people in Cleveland don't know which is Mr. +Rockefeller's house, and people live and even die in New York without +going up to the top of the Woolworth Building. And anyway the past is +remote and the present is near. I know a cab driver in the city of +Quebec whose business in life it is to drive people up to see the +Plains of Abraham, but unless they bother him to do it, he doesn't +show them the spot where Wolfe fell: what ho does point out with real +zest is the place where the Mayor and the City Council sat on the +wooden platform that they put up for the municipal celebration last +summer. + +No description of London would be complete without a reference, +however brief, to the singular salubrity and charm of the London +climate. This is seen at its best during the autumn and winter +months. The climate of London and indeed of England generally is due +to the influence of the Gulf Stream. The way it works is thus: The +Gulf Stream, as it nears the shores of the British Isles and feels +the propinquity of Ireland, rises into the air, turns into soup, and +comes down on London. At times the soup is thin and is in fact little +more than a mist: at other times it has the consistency of a thick +Potage St. Germain. London people are a little sensitive on the point +and flatter their atmosphere by calling it a fog: but it is not: it +is soup. The notion that no sunlight ever gets through and that in +the London winter people never see the sun is of course a ridiculous +error, circulated no doubt by the jealousy of foreign nations. I have +myself seen the sun plainly visible in London, without the aid of +glasses, on a November day in broad daylight; and again one night +about four o'clock in the afternoon I saw the sun distinctly appear +through the clouds. The whole subject of daylight in the London +winter is, however, one which belongs rather to the technique of +astronomy than to a book of description. In practice daylight is but +little used. Electric lights are burned all the time in all houses, +buildings, railway stations and clubs. This practice which is now +universally observed is called Daylight Saving. + +But the distinction between day and night during the London winter is +still quite obvious to any one of an observant mind. It is indicated +by various signs such as the striking of clocks, the tolling of +bells, the closing of saloons, and the raising of taxi rates. It is +much less easy to distinguish the technical approach of night in the +other cities of England that lie outside the confines, physical and +intellectual, of London and live in a continuous gloom. In such +places as the great manufacturing cities, Buggingham-under-Smoke, or +Gloomsbury-on-Ooze, night may be said to be perpetual. + + . . . . . + +I had written the whole of the above chapter and looked on it as +finished when I realised that I had made a terrible omission. I +neglected to say anything about the Mind of London. This is a thing +that is always put into any book of discovery and observation and +I can only apologise for not having discussed it sooner. I am quite +familiar with other people's chapters on "The Mind of America," +and "The Chinese Mind," and so forth. Indeed, so far as I know it +has turned out that almost everybody all over the world has a mind. +Nobody nowadays travels, even in Central America or Thibet, without +bringing back a chapter on "The Mind of Costa Rica," or on the +"Psychology of the Mongolian." Even the gentler peoples such as +the Burmese, the Siamese, the Hawaiians, and the Russians, though +they have no minds are written up as souls. + +It is quite obvious then that there is such a thing as the mind of +London: and it is all the more culpable in me to have neglected it in +as much as my editorial friend in New York had expressly mentioned it +to me before I sailed. "What," said he, leaning far over his desk +after his massive fashion and reaching out into the air, "what is in +the minds of these people? Are they," he added, half to himself, +though I heard him, "are they thinking? And, if they think, what do +they think?" + +I did therefore, during my stay in London, make an accurate study of +the things that London seemed to be thinking about. As a comparative +basis for this study I brought with me a carefully selected list of +the things that New York was thinking about at the moment. These I +selected from the current newspapers in the proportions to the amount +of space allotted to each topic and the size of the heading that +announced it. Having thus a working idea of what I may call the mind +of New York, I was able to collect and set beside it a list of +similar topics, taken from the London Press to represent the mind of +London. The two placed side by side make an interesting piece of +psychological analysis. They read as follows: + + THE MIND OF NEW YORK THE MIND OF LONDON + What is it thinking? What is it thinking? + + 1. Do chorus girls make 1. Do chorus girls marry + good wives? well? + + 2. Is red hair a sign of 2. What is red hair a + temperament? sign of? + + 3. Can a woman be in 3. Can a man be in love + love with two men? with two women? + + 4. Is fat a sign of genius? 4. Is genius a sign of fat? + +Looking over these lists, I think it is better to present them +without comment; I feel sure that somewhere or other in them one +should detect the heart-throbs, the pulsations of two great peoples. +But I don't get it. In fact the two lists look to me terribly like +"the mind of Costa Rica." + +The same editor also advised me to mingle, at his expense, in the +brilliant intellectual life of England. "There," he said, "is a +coterie of men, probably the most brilliant group East of +the Mississippi." (I think he said the Mississippi). "You will find +them," he said to me, "brilliant, witty, filled with repartee." He +suggested that I should send him back, as far as words could express +it, some of this brilliance. I was very glad to be able to do this, +although I fear that the results were not at all what he had +anticipated. Still, I held conversations with these people and I +gave him, in all truthfulness, the result. Sir James Barrie said, +"This is really very exceptional weather for this time of year." +Cyril Maude said, "And so a Martini cocktail is merely gin and +vermouth." Ian Hay said, "You'll find the underground ever so handy +once you understand it." + +I have a lot more of these repartees that I could insert here if +it was necessary. But somehow I feel that it is not. + + + +IV. -- A Clear View of the Government and Politics of England + +A LOYAL British subject like myself in dealing with the government +of England should necessarily begin with a discussion of the +monarchy. I have never had the pleasure of meeting the King,--except +once on the G.T.R. platform in Orillia, Ontario, when he was the +Duke of York and I was one of the welcoming delegates of the town +council. No doubt he would recall it in a minute. + +But in England the King is surrounded by formality and circumstance. +On many mornings I waited round the gates of Buckingham Palace but I +found it quite impossible to meet the King in the quiet sociable way +in which one met him in Orillia. The English, it seems, love to make +the kingship a subject of great pomp and official etiquette. In +Canada it is quite different. Perhaps we understand kings and princes +better than the English do. At any rate we treat them in a far more +human heart-to-heart fashion than is the English custom, and they +respond to it at once. I remember when King George--he was, as I say, +Duke of York then--came up to Orillia, Ontario, how we all met him in +a delegation on the platform. Bob Curran--Bob was Mayor of the town +that year--went up to him and shook hands with him and invited him to +come right on up to the Orillia House where he had a room reserved +for him. Charlie Janes and Mel Tudhope and the other boys who were on +the town Council gathered round the royal prince and shook hands and +told him that he simply must stay over. George Rapley, the bank +manager, said that if he wanted a cheque cashed or anything of that +sort to come right into the Royal Bank and he would do it for him. +The prince had two aides-de-camp with him and a secretary, but Bob +Curran said to bring them uptown too and it would be all right. We +had planned to have an oyster supper for the Prince at Jim Smith's +hotel and then take him either to the Y.M.C.A. Pool Room or else over +to the tea social in the basement of the Presbyterian Church. + +Unluckily the prince couldn't stay. It turned out that he had to +get right back into his train and go on to Peterborough, Ontario, +where they were to have a brass band to meet him, which naturally +he didn't want to miss. + +But the point is that it was a real welcome. And you could see that +the prince appreciated it. There was a warmth and a meaning to it +that the prince understood at once. It was a pity that he couldn't +have stayed over and had time to see the carriage factory and the +new sewerage plant. We all told the prince that he must come back +and he said that if he could he most certainly would. When the +prince's train pulled out of the station and we all went back uptown +together (it was before prohibition came to Ontario) you could feel +that the institution of royalty was quite solid in Orillia for a +generation. + +But you don't get that sort of thing in England. + +There's a formality and coldness in all their dealings with +royalty that would never go down with us. They like to have the +King come and open Parliament dressed in royal robes, and with a +clattering troop of soldiers riding in front of him. As for taking +him over to the Y.M.C.A. to play pin pool, they never think of it. +They have seen so much of the mere outside of his kingship that +they don't understand the heart of it as we do in Canada. + +But let us turn to the House of Commons: for no description of +England would be complete without at least some mention of this +interesting body. Indeed for the ordinary visitor to London the +greatest interest of all attaches to the spacious and magnificent +Parliament Buildings. The House of Commons is commodiously situated +beside the River Thames. The principal features of the House are the +large lunch room on the western side and the tea-room on the terrace +on the eastern. A series of smaller luncheon rooms extend +(apparently) all round about the premises: while a commodious bar +offers a ready access to the members at all hours of the day. While +any members are in the bar a light is kept burning in the tall Clock +Tower at one corner of the building, but when the bar is closed the +light is turned off by whichever of the Scotch members leaves last. +There is a handsome legislative chamber attached to the premises from +which--so the antiquarians tell us--the House of Commons took its +name. But it is not usual now for the members to sit in the +legislative chamber as the legislation is now all done outside, +either at the home of Mr. Lloyd George, or at the National Liberal +Club, or at one or other of the newspaper offices. The House, +however, is called together at very frequent intervals to give it an +opportunity of hearing the latest legislation and allowing the +members to indulge in cheers, sighs, groans, votes and other +expressions of vitality. After having cheered as much as is good for +it, it goes back again to the lunch rooms and goes on eating till +needed again. + +It is, however, an entire exaggeration to say that the House of +Commons no longer has a real share in the government of England. +This is not so. Anybody connected with the government values the +House of Commons in a high degree. One of the leading newspaper +proprietors of London himself told me that he has always felt that if +he had the House of Commons on his side he had a very valuable ally. +Many of the labour leaders are inclined to regard the House of +Commons as of great utility, while the leading women's organizations, +now that women are admitted as members, may be said to regard the +House as one of themselves. + +Looking around to find just where the natural service of the House +of Commons comes in, I am inclined to think that it must be in the +practice of "asking questions" in the House. Whenever anything goes +wrong a member rises and asks a question. He gets up, for example, +with a little paper in his hand, and asks the government if ministers +are aware that the Khedive of Egypt was seen yesterday wearing a +Turkish Tarbosh. Ministers say very humbly that they hadn't known +it, and a thrill runs through the whole country. The members can +apparently ask any questions they like. In the repeated +visits which I made to the gallery of the House of Commons I was +unable to find any particular sense or meaning in the questions +asked, though no doubt they had an intimate bearing on English +politics not clear to an outsider like myself. I heard one member +ask the government whether they were aware that herrings were being +imported from Hamburg to Harwich. The government said no. Another +member rose and asked the government whether they considered +Shakespere or Moliere the greater dramatic artist. The government +answered that ministers were taking this under their earnest +consideration and that a report would be submitted to Parliament. +Another member asked the government if they knew who won the Queen's +Plate this season at Toronto. They did,--in fact this member got +in wrong, as this is the very thing that the government do know. +Towards the close of the evening a member rose and asked the +government if they knew what time it was. The Speaker, however, +ruled this question out of order on the ground that it had been +answered before. + +The Parliament Buildings are so vast that it is not possible to +state with certainty what they do, or do not, contain. But it is +generally said that somewhere in the building is the House of Lords. +When they meet they are said to come together very quietly shortly +before the dinner hour, take a glass of dry sherry and a biscuit +(they are all abstemious men), reject whatever bills may be before +them at the moment, take another dry sherry and then adjourn for +two years. + +The public are no longer allowed unrestricted access to the Houses +of Parliament; its approaches are now strictly guarded by policemen. +In order to obtain admission it is necessary either to (A) communicate +in writing with the Speaker of the House, enclosing certificates +of naturalization and proof of identity, or (B) give the policeman +five shillings. Method B is the one usually adopted. On great +nights, however, when the House of Commons is sitting and is about +to do something important, such as ratifying a Home Rule Bill or +cheering, or welcoming a new lady member, it is not possible to +enter by merely bribing the policeman with five shillings; it takes +a pound. The English people complain bitterly of the rich Americans +who have in this way corrupted the London public. Before they were +corrupted they would do anything for sixpence. + +This peculiar vein of corruption by the Americans runs like a +thread, I may say, through all the texture of English life. Among +those who have been principally exposed to it are the +servants,--especially butlers and chauffeurs, hotel porters, +bell-boys, railway porters and guards, all taxi-drivers, pew-openers, +curates, bishops, and a large part of the peerage. + +The terrible ravages that have been made by the Americans on English +morality are witnessed on every hand. Whole classes of society are +hopelessly damaged. I have it in the evidence of the English +themselves and there seems to be no doubt of the fact. Till the +Americans came to England the people were an honest, law-abiding +race, respecting their superiors and despising those below them. +They had never been corrupted by money and their employers extended +to them in this regard their tenderest solicitude. Then the +Americans came. Servants ceased to be what they were; butlers were +hopelessly damaged; hotel porters became a wreck; taxi-drivers turned +out thieves; curates could no longer be trusted to handle money; +peers sold their daughters at a million dollars a piece or three for +two. In fact the whole kingdom began to deteriorate till it got where +it is now. At present after a rich American has stayed in any English +country house, its owners find that they can do nothing with the +butler; a wildness has come over the man. There is a restlessness in +his demeanour and a strange wistful look in his eye as if seeking for +something. In many cases, so I understand, after an American has +stayed in a country house the butler goes insane. He is found in his +pantry counting over the sixpence given to him by a Duke, and +laughing to himself. He has to be taken in charge by the police. With +him generally go the chauffeur, whose mind has broken down from +driving a rich American twenty miles; and the gardener, who is found +tearing up raspberry bushes by the roots to see if there is any money +under them; and the local curate whose brain has collapsed or +expanded, I forget which, when a rich American gave him fifty dollars +for his soup kitchen. + +There are, it is true, a few classes that have escaped this contagion, +shepherds living in the hills, drovers, sailors, fishermen and such +like. I remember the first time I went into the English country-side +being struck with the clean, honest look in the people's faces. I +realised exactly where they got it: they had never seen any Americans. +I remember speaking to an aged peasant down in Somerset. "Have you +ever seen any Americans?" "Nah," he said, "uz eeard a mowt o' 'em, +zir, but uz zeen nowt o' 'em." It was clear that the noble fellow +was quite undamaged by American contact. + +Now the odd thing about this corruption is that exactly the same idea +is held on the other side of the water. It is a known fact that if a +young English Lord comes to an American town he puts it to the bad in +one week. Socially the whole place goes to pieces. Girls whose +parents are in the hardware business and who used to call their +father "pop" begin to talk of precedence and whether a Duchess +Dowager goes in to dinner ahead of or behind a countess scavenger. +After the young Lord has attended two dances and one tea-social in +the Methodist Church Sunday School Building (Adults 25 cents, +children 10 cents--all welcome.) there is nothing for the young men +of the town to do except to drive him out or go further west. + +One can hardly wonder then that this general corruption has extended +even to the policemen who guard the Houses of Parliament. On the +other hand this vein of corruption has not extended to English +politics. Unlike ours, English politics,--one hears it on every +hand,--are pure. Ours unfortunately are known to be not so. The +difference seems to be that our politicians will do anything for +money and the English politicians won't; they just take the money +and won't do a thing for it. + +Somehow there always seems to be a peculiar interest about English +political questions that we don't find elsewhere. At home in Canada +our politics turn on such things as how much money the Canadian +National Railways lose as compared with how much they could lose +if they really tried; on whether the Grain Growers of Manitoba +should be allowed to import ploughs without paying a duty or to +pay a duty without importing the ploughs. Our members at Ottawa +discuss such things as highway subsidies, dry farming, the Bank +Act, and the tariff on hardware. These things leave me absolutely +cold. To be quite candid there is something terribly plebeian about +them. In short, our politics are what we call in French "peuple." + +But when one turns to England, what a striking difference! The +English, with the whole huge British Empire to fish in and the +European system to draw upon, can always dig up some kind of +political topic of discussion that has a real charm about it. One +month you find English politics turning on the Oasis of Merv and the +next on the hinterland of Albania; or a member rises in the Commons +with a little bit of paper in his hand and desires to ask the foreign +secretary if he is aware that the Ahkoond of Swat is dead. The +foreign secretary states that the government have no information +other than that the Ahkoond was dead a month ago. There is a distinct +sensation in the House at the realisation that the Ahkoond has been +dead a month without the House having known that he was alive. The +sensation is conveyed to the Press and the afternoon papers appear +with large headings, THE AHKOOND OF SWAT IS DEAD. The public who have +never heard of the Ahkoond bare their heads in a moment in a pause to +pray for the Ahkoond's soul. Then the cables take up the refrain and +word is flashed all over the world, The Ahkoond of Swat is Dead. + +There was a Canadian journalist and poet once who was so impressed +with the news that the Ahkoond was dead, so bowed down with regret +that he had never known the Ahkoond while alive, that he forthwith +wrote a poem in memory of The Ahkoond of Swat. I have always thought +that the reason of the wide admiration that Lannigan's verses +received was not merely because of the brilliant wit that is in +them but because in a wider sense they typify so beautifully the +scope of English politics. The death of the Ahkoond of Swat, and +whether Great Britain should support as his successor Mustalpha El +Djin or Kamu Flaj,--there is something worth talking of over an +afternoon tea table. But suppose that the whole of the Manitoba +Grain Growers were to die. What could one say about it? They'd be +dead, that's all. + +So it is that people all over the world turn to English politics with +interest. What more delightful than to open an atlas, find out where +the new kingdom of Hejaz is, and then violently support the British +claim to a protectorate over it. Over in America we don't understand +this sort of thing. There is naturally little chance to do so and we +don't know how to use it when it comes. I remember that when a chance +did come in connection with the great Venezuela dispute over the +ownership of the jungles and mud-flats of British Guiana, the +American papers at once inserted headings, WHERE IS THE ESSIQUIBO +RIVER? That spoiled the whole thing. If you admit that you don't know +where a place is, then the bottom is knocked out of all discussion. +But if you pretend that you do, then you are all right. Mr. Lloyd +George is said to have caused great amusement at the Versailles +Conference by admitting that he hadn't known where Teschen was. So at +least it was reported in the papers; and for all I know it might even +have been true. But the fun that he raised was not really half what +could have been raised. I have it on good authority that two of the +American delegates hadn't known where Austria Proper was and thought +that Unredeemed Italy was on the East side of New York, while the +Chinese Delegate thought that the Cameroons were part of Scotland. +But it is these little geographic niceties that lend a charm to +European politics that ours lack forever. + +I don't mean to say the English politics always turn on romantic +places or on small questions. They don't. They often include +questions of the largest order. But when the English introduce a +really large question as the basis of their politics they like to +select one that is insoluble. This guarantees that it will last. Take +for example the rights of the Crown as against the people. That +lasted for one hundred years,--all the seventeenth century. In +Oklahoma or in Alberta they would have called a convention on the +question, settled it in two weeks and spoiled it for further use. In +the same way the Protestant Reformation was used for a hundred years +and the Reform Bill for a generation. + +At the present time the genius of the English for politics has +selected as their insoluble political question the topic of the +German indemnity. The essence of the problem as I understand it +may be stated as follows: + +It was definitely settled by the Conference at Versailles that +Germany is to pay the Allies 3,912,486,782,421 marks. I think that +is the correct figure, though of course I am speaking only from +memory. At any rate, the correct figure is within a hundred billion +marks of the above. + +The sum to be paid was not reached without a great deal of +discussion. Monsieur Briand, the French Minister, is reported to have +thrown out the figure 4,281,390,687,471. But Mr. Lloyd George would +not pick it up. Nor do I blame him unless he had a basket to pick it +up with. + +Lloyd George's point of view was that the Germans could very properly +pay a limited amount such as 3,912,486,782,421 marks, but it was +not feasible to put on them a burden of 4,281,390,687,471 marks. + +By the way, if any one at this point doubts the accuracy of the +figures just given, all he has to do is to take the amount of the +indemnity as stated in gold marks and then multiply it by the +present value of the mark and he will find to his chagrin that the +figures are correct. If he is still not satisfied I refer him to +a book of Logarithms. If he is not satisfied with that I refer him +to any work on conic sections and if not convinced even then I +refer him so far that he will never come back. + +The indemnity being thus fixed, the next question is as to the method +of collecting it. In the first place there is no intention of +allowing the Germans to pay in actual cash. If they do this they will +merely inflate the English beyond what is bearable. England has been +inflated now for eight years and has had enough of it. + +In the second place, it is understood that it will not do to allow +the Germans to offer 4,218, 390,687,471 marks' worth of coal. It +is more than the country needs. + +What is more, if the English want coal they propose to buy it in +an ordinary decent way from a Christian coal-dealer in their own +country. They do not purpose to ruin their own coal industry for +the sake of building up the prosperity of the German nation. + +What I say of coal is applied with equal force to any offers of food, +grain, oil, petroleum, gas, or any other natural product. Payment in +any of these will be sternly refused. Even now it is all the British +farmers can do to live and for some it is more. Many of them are +having to sell off their motors and pianos and to send their sons to +college to work. At the same time, the German producer by depressing +the mark further and further is able to work fourteen hours a day. +This argument may not be quite correct but I take it as I find it in +the London Press. Whether I state it correctly or not, it is quite +plain that the problem is insoluble. That is all that is needed in +first class politics. + +A really good question like the German reparation question will go +on for a century. Undoubtedly in the year 2000 A.D., a British +Chancellor of the Exchequer will still be explaining that the +government is fully resolved that Germany shall pay to the last +farthing (cheers): but that ministers have no intention of allowing +the German payment to take a form that will undermine British +industry (wild applause): that the German indemnity shall be so +paid that without weakening the power of the Germans. to buy from +us it shall increase our power of selling to them. + +Such questions last forever. + +On the other hand sometimes by sheer carelessness a question gets +settled and passes out of politics. This, so we are given to +understand, has happened to the Irish question. It is settled. A +group of Irish delegates and British ministers got together round a +table and settled it. The settlement has since been celebrated at a +demonstration of brotherhood by the Irish Americans of New York with +only six casualties. Henceforth the Irish question passes into +history. There may be some odd fighting along the Ulster border, or a +little civil war with perhaps a little revolution every now and then, +but as a question the thing is finished. + +I must say that I for one am very sorry to think that the Irish +question is gone. We shall miss it greatly. Debating societies +which have flourished on it ever since 1886 will be wrecked for +want of it. Dinner parties will now lose half the sparkle of their +conversation. It will be no longer possible to make use of such +good old remarks as, "After all the Irish are a gifted people," +or, "You must remember that fifty per cent of the great English +generals were Irish." + +The settlement turned out to be a very simple affair. Ireland was +merely given dominion status. What that is, no one knows, but it +means that the Irish have now got it and that they sink from the +high place that they had in the white light of publicity to the +level of the Canadians or the New Zealanders. + +Whether it is quite a proper thing to settle trouble by conferring +dominion status on it, is open to question. It is a practice that +is bound to spread. It is rumoured that it is now contemplated to +confer dominion status upon the Borough of Poplar and on the +Cambridge undergraduates. It is even understood that at the recent +disarmament conference England offered to confer dominion status +on the United States. President Harding would assuredly have accepted +it at once but for the protest of Mr. Briand, who claimed that any +such offer must be accompanied by a permission to increase the +French fire-brigade by fifty per cent. + +It is lamentable, too, that at the very same moment when the Irish +question was extinguished, the Naval Question which had lasted for +nearly fifty years was absolutely obliterated by disarmament. +Henceforth the alarm of invasion is a thing of the past and the navy +practically needless. Beyond keeping a fleet in the North Sea and one +on the Mediterranean, and maintaining a patrol all round the rim of +the Pacific Ocean, Britain will cease to be a naval power. A mere +annual expenditure of fifty million pounds sterling will suffice for +such thin pretence of naval preparedness as a disarmed nation will +have to maintain. + +This thing too, came as a surprise, or at least a surprise to the +general public who are unaware of the workings of diplomacy. Those +who know about such things were fully aware of what would happen if a +whole lot of British sailors and diplomatists and journalists were +exposed to the hospitalities of Washington. The British and Americans +are both alike. You can't drive them or lead them or coerce them, but +if you give them a cigar they'll do anything. The inner history of +the conference is only just beginning to be known. But it is +whispered that immediately on his arrival Mr. Balfour was given a +cigar by President Harding. Mr. Balfour at once offered to scrap five +ships, and invited the entire American cabinet into the British +Embassy, where Sir A. Geddes was rash enough to offer them champagne. + +The American delegates immediately offered to scrap ten ships. Mr. +Balfour, who simply cannot be outdone in international courtesy, +saw the ten and raised it to twenty. President Harding saw the +twenty, raised it to thirty, and sent out for more poker chips. + +At the close of the play Lord Beatty, who is urbanity itself, +offered to scrap Portsmouth Dockyard, and asked if anybody present +would like Canada. President Harding replied with his customary +tact that if England wanted the Philippines, he would think it what +he would term a residuum of normalcy to give them away. There is +no telling what might have happened had not Mr. Briand interposed +to say that any transfer of the Philippines must be regarded as a +signal for a twenty per cent increase in the Boy Scouts of France. +As a tactful conclusion to the matter President Harding raised Mr. +Balfour to the peerage. + +As things are, disarmament coming along with the Irish settlement, +leaves English politics in a bad way. The general outlook is too +peaceful altogether. One looks round almost in vain for any of those +"strained relations" which used to be the very basis of English +foreign policy. In only one direction do I see light for English +politics, and that is over towards Czecho-Slovakia. It appears that +Czecho-Slovakia owes the British Exchequer fifty million sterling. I +cannot quote the exact figure, but it is either fifty million or +fifty billion. In either case Czecho-Slovakia is unable to pay. The +announcement has just been made by M. Sgitzch, the new treasurer, +that the country is bankrupt or at least that he sees his way to make +it so in a week. + +It has been at once reported in City circles that there are "strained +relations" between Great Britain and Czecho-Slovakia. Now what I +advise is, that if the relations are strained, keep them so. England +has lost nearly all the strained relations she ever had; let her +cherish the few that she still has. I know that there are other +opinions. The suggestion has been at once made for a "round table +conference," at which the whole thing can be freely discussed without +formal protocols and something like a "gentleman's agreement" +reached. I say, don't do it. England is being ruined by these round +table conferences. They are sitting round in Cairo and Calcutta and +Capetown, filling all the best hotels and eating out the substance of +the taxpayer. + +I am told that Lloyd George has offered to go to Czecho-Slovakia. +He should be stopped. It is said that Professor Keynes has proved +that the best way to deal with the debt of Czecho-Slovakia is to +send them whatever cash we have left, thereby turning the exchange +upside down on them, and forcing them to buy all their Christmas +presents in Manchester. + +It is wiser not to do anything of the sort. England should send +them a good old-fashioned ultimatum, mobilise all the naval officers +at the Embankment hotels, raise the income tax another sixpence, +and defy them. + +If that were done it might prove a successful first step in bringing +English politics back to the high plane of conversational interest +from which they are threatening to fall. + + + +V. - Oxford as I See It + +MY private station being that of a university professor, I was +naturally deeply interested in the system of education in England. +I was therefore led to make a special visit to Oxford and to submit +the place to a searching scrutiny. Arriving one afternoon at four +o'clock, I stayed at the Mitre Hotel and did not leave until eleven +o'clock next morning. The whole of this time, except for one hour +spent in addressing the undergraduates, was devoted to a close and +eager study of the great university. When I add to this that I had +already visited Oxford in 1907 and spent a Sunday at All Souls with +Colonel L. S. Amery, it will be seen at once that my views on Oxford +are based upon observations extending over fourteen years. + +At any rate I can at least claim that my acquaintance with the +British university is just as good a basis for reflection and +judgment as that of the numerous English critics who come to our side +of the water. I have known a famous English author to arrive at +Harvard University in the morning, have lunch with President Lowell, +and then write a whole chapter on the Excellence of Higher Education +in America. I have known another one come to Harvard, have lunch with +President Lowell, and do an entire book on the Decline of Serious +Study in America. Or take the case of my own university. I remember +Mr. Rudyard Kipling coming to McGill and saying in his address to the +undergraduates at 2.30 P.M., "You have here a great institution." But +how could he have gathered this information? As far as I know he +spent the entire morning with Sir Andrew Macphail in his house beside +the campus, smoking cigarettes. When I add that he distinctly refused +to visit the Palaeontologic Museum, that he saw nothing of our new +hydraulic apparatus, or of our classes in Domestic Science, his +judgment that we had here a great institution seems a little bit +superficial. I can only put beside it, to redeem it in some measure, +the hasty and ill-formed judgment expressed by Lord Milner, "McGill +is a noble university": and the rash and indiscreet expression of +the Prince of Wales, when we gave him an LL.D. degree, "McGill has +a glorious future." + +To my mind these unthinking judgments about our great college do +harm, and I determined, therefore, that anything that I said about +Oxford should be the result of the actual observation and real +study based upon a bona fide residence in the Mitre Hotel. + +On the strength of this basis of experience I am prepared to make the +following positive and emphatic statements. Oxford is a noble +university. It has a great past. It is at present the greatest +university in the world: and it is quite possible that it has a great +future. Oxford trains scholars of the real type better than any other +place in the world. Its methods are antiquated. It despises science. +Its lectures are rotten. It has professors who never teach and +students who never learn. It has no order, no arrangement, no system. +Its curriculum is unintelligible. It has no president. It has no +state legislature to tell it how to teach, and yet,--it gets there. +Whether we like it or not, Oxford gives something to its students, a +life and a mode of thought, which in America as yet we can emulate +but not equal. + +If anybody doubts this let him go and take a room at the Mitre +Hotel (ten and six for a wainscotted bedroom, period of Charles I) +and study the place for himself. + +These singular results achieved at Oxford are all the more surprising +when one considers the distressing conditions under which the +students work. The lack of an adequate building fund compels them to +go on working in the same old buildings which they have had for +centuries. The buildings at Brasenose College have not been renewed +since the year 1525. In New College and Magdalen the students are +still housed in the old buildings erected in the sixteenth century. +At Christ Church I was shown a kitchen which had been built at the +expense of Cardinal Wolsey in 1527. Incredible though it may seem, +they have no other place to cook in than this and are compelled to +use it to-day. On the day when I saw this kitchen, four cooks were +busy roasting an ox whole for the students' lunch: this at least is +what I presumed they were doing from the size of the fire-place used, +but it may not have been an ox; perhaps it was a cow. On a huge +table, twelve feet by six and made of slabs of wood five inches +thick, two other cooks were rolling out a game pie. I estimated it as +measuring three feet across. In this rude way, unchanged since the +time of Henry VIII, the unhappy Oxford students are fed. I could not +help contrasting it with the cosy little boarding houses on Cottage +Grove Avenue where I used to eat when I was a student at Chicago, or +the charming little basement dining-rooms of the students' boarding +houses in Toronto. But then, of course, Henry VIII never lived in +Toronto. + +The same lack of a building-fund necessitates the Oxford students, +living in the identical old boarding houses they had in the sixteenth +and seventeenth centuries. Technically they are called "quadrangles," +"closes" and "rooms"; but I am so broken in to the usage of my +student days that I can't help calling them boarding houses. In many +of these the old stairway has been worn down by the feet of ten +generations of students: the windows have little latticed panes: +there are old names carved here and there upon the stone, and a thick +growth of ivy covers the walls. The boarding house at St. John's +College dates from 1509, the one at Christ Church from the same +period. A few hundred thousand pounds would suffice to replace these +old buildings with neat steel and brick structures like the normal +school at Schenectady, N.Y., or the Peel Street High School at +Montreal. But nothing is done. A movement was indeed attempted last +autumn towards removing the ivy from the walls, but the result was +unsatisfactory and they are putting it back. Any one could have told +them beforehand that the mere removal of the ivy would not brighten +Oxford up, unless at the same time one cleared the stones of the old +inscriptions, put in steel fire-escapes, and in fact brought the +boarding houses up to date. + +But Henry VIII being dead, nothing was done. Yet in spite of its +dilapidated buildings and its lack of fire-escapes, ventilation, +sanitation, and up-to-date kitchen facilities, I persist in my +assertion that I believe that Oxford, in its way, is the greatest +university in the world. I am aware that this is an extreme statement +and needs explanation. Oxford is much smaller in numbers, for +example, than the State University of Minnesota, and is much poorer. +It has, or had till yesterday, fewer students than the University of +Toronto. To mention Oxford beside the 26,000 students of Columbia +University sounds ridiculous. In point of money, the 39,000,000 +dollar endowment of the University of Chicago, and the $35,000,000 +one of Columbia, and the $43,000,000 of Harvard seem to leave Oxford +nowhere. Yet the peculiar thing is that it is not nowhere. By some +queer process of its own it seems to get there every time. It was +therefore of the very greatest interest to me, as a profound scholar, +to try to investigate just how this peculiar excellence of Oxford +arises. + +It can hardly be due to anything in the curriculum or programme of +studies. Indeed, to any one accustomed to the best models of a +university curriculum as it flourishes in the United States and +Canada, the programme of studies is frankly quite laughable. There +is less Applied Science in the place than would be found with us +in a theological college. Hardly a single professor at Oxford would +recognise a dynamo if he met it in broad daylight. The Oxford +student learns nothing of chemistry, physics, heat, plumbing, +electric wiring, gas-fitting or the use of a blow-torch. Any American +college student can run a motor car, take a gasoline engine to +pieces, fix a washer on a kitchen tap, mend a broken electric bell, +and give an expert opinion on what has gone wrong with the furnace. +It is these things indeed which stamp him as a college man, and +occasion a very pardonable pride in the minds of his parents. + +But in all these things the Oxford student is the merest amateur. + +This is bad enough. But after all one might say this is only the +mechanical side of education. True: but one searches in vain in +the Oxford curriculum for any adequate recognition of the higher +and more cultured studies. Strange though it seems to us on this +side of the Atlantic, there are no courses at Oxford in Housekeeping, +or in Salesmanship, or in Advertising, or on Comparative Religion, +or on the influence of the Press. There are no lectures whatever +on Human Behaviour, on Altruism, on Egotism, or on the Play of Wild +Animals. Apparently, the Oxford student does not learn these things. +This cuts him off from a great deal of the larger culture of our +side of the Atlantic. "What are you studying this year?" I once +asked a fourth year student at one of our great colleges. "I am +electing Salesmanship and Religion," he answered. Here was a young +man whose training was destined inevitably to turn him into a moral +business man: either that or nothing. At Oxford Salesmanship is +not taught and Religion takes the feeble form of the New Testament. +The more one looks at these things the more amazing it becomes that +Oxford can produce any results at all. + +The effect of the comparison is heightened by the peculiar position +occupied at Oxford by the professors' lectures. In the colleges of +Canada and the United States the lectures are supposed to be a really +necessary and useful part of the student's training. Again and again +I have heard the graduates of my own college assert that they had got +as much, or nearly as much, out of the lectures at college as out of +athletics or the Greek letter society or the Banjo and Mandolin Club. +In short, with us the lectures form a real part of the college life. +At Oxford it is not so. The lectures, I understand, are given and may +even be taken. But they are quite worthless and are not supposed to +have anything much to do with the development of the, student's mind. +"The lectures here," said a Canadian student to me, "are punk." I +appealed to another student to know if this was so. "I don't know +whether I'd call them exactly punk," he answered, "but they're +certainly rotten." Other judgments were that the lectures were of no +importance: that nobody took them: that they don't matter: that you +can take them if you like: that they do you no harm. + +It appears further that the professors themselves are not keen on +their lectures. If the lectures are called for they give them; if +not, the professor's feelings are not hurt. He merely waits and +rests his brain until in some later year the students call for his +lectures. There are men at Oxford who have rested their brains this +way for over thirty years: the accumulated brain power thus dammed +up is said to be colossal. + +I understand that the key to this mystery is found in the operations +of the person called the tutor. It is from him, or rather with him, +that the students learn all that they know: one and all are agreed on +that. Yet it is a little odd to know just how he does it. "We go over +to his rooms," said one student, "and he just lights a pipe and talks +to us." "We sit round with him," said another, "and he simply smokes +and goes over our exercises with us." From this and other evidence I +gather that what an Oxford tutor does is to get a little group of +students together and smoke at them. Men who have been systematically +smoked at for four years turn into ripe scholars. If anybody doubts +this, let him go to Oxford and he can see the thing actually in +operation. A well-smoked man speaks, and writes English with a grace +that can be acquired in no other way. + +In what was said above, I seem to have been directing criticism +against the Oxford professors as such: but I have no intention of +doing so. For the Oxford professor and his whole manner of being I +have nothing but a profound respect. There is indeed the greatest +difference between the modern up-to-date American idea of a professor +and the English type. But even with us in older days, in the bygone +time when such people as Henry Wadsworth Longfellow were professors, +one found the English idea; a professor was supposed to be a +venerable kind of person, with snow-white whiskers reaching to his +stomach. He was expected to moon around the campus oblivious of the +world around him. If you nodded to him he failed to see you. Of money +he knew nothing; of business, far less. He was, as his trustees were +proud to say of him, "a child." + +On the other hand he contained within him a reservoir of learning +of such depth as to be practically bottomless. None of this learning +was supposed to be of any material or commercial benefit to anybody. +Its use was in saving the soul and enlarging the mind. + +At the head of such a group of professors was one whose beard was +even whiter and longer, whose absence of mind was even still greater, +and whose knowledge of money, business, and practical affairs was +below zero. Him they made the president. + +All this is changed in America. A university professor is now a busy, +hustling person, approximating as closely to a business man as he can +do it. It is on the business man that he models himself. He has a +little place that he calls his "office," with a typewriter machine +and a stenographer. Here he sits and dictates letters, beginning +after the best business models, "in re yours of the eighth ult., +would say, etc., etc." He writes these letters to students, to his +fellow professors, to the president, indeed to any people who will +let him write to them. The number of letters that he writes each +month is duly counted and set to his credit. If he writes enough he +will get a reputation as an "executive," and big things may happen to +him. He may even be asked to step out of the college and take a post +as an "executive" in a soap company or an advertising firm. The man, +in short, is a "hustler," an "advertiser" whose highest aim is to be +a "live-wire." If he is not, he will presently be dismissed, or, to +use the business term, be "let go," by a board of trustees who are +themselves hustlers and live-wires. As to the professor's soul, he no +longer needs to think of it as it has been handed over along with all +the others to a Board of Censors. + +The American professor deals with his students according to his +lights. It is his business to chase them along over a prescribed +ground at a prescribed pace like a flock of sheep. They all go +humping together over the hurdles with the professor chasing them +with a set of "tests" and "recitations," "marks" and "attendances," +the whole apparatus obviously copied from the time-clock of the +business man's factory. This process is what is called "showing +results." The pace set is necessarily that of the slowest, and thus +results in what I have heard Mr. Edward Beatty describe as the +"convoy system of education." + +In my own opinion, reached after fifty-two years of profound +reflection, this system contains in itself the seeds of destruction. +It puts a premium on dulness and a penalty on genius. It circumscribes +that latitude of mind which is the real spirit of learning. If we +persist in it we shall presently find that true learning will fly +away from our universities and will take rest wherever some individual +and enquiring mind can mark out its path for itself. + +Now the principal reason why I am led to admire Oxford is that the +place is little touched as yet by the measuring of "results," and by +this passion for visible and provable "efficiency." The whole system +at Oxford is such as to put a premium on genius and to let mediocrity +and dulness go their way. On the dull student Oxford, after a proper +lapse of time, confers a degree which means nothing more than that he +lived and breathed at Oxford and kept out of jail. This for many +students is as much as society can expect. But for the gifted +students Oxford offers great opportunities. There is no question of +his hanging back till the last sheep has jumped over the fence. He +need wait for no one. He may move forward as fast as he likes, +following the bent of his genius. If he has in him any ability beyond +that of the common herd, his tutor, interested in his studies, will +smoke at him until he kindles him into a flame. For the tutor's soul +is not harassed by herding dull students, with dismissal hanging by a +thread over his head in the class room. The American professor has no +time to be interested in a clever student. He has time to be +interested in his "deportment," his letter-writing, his executive +work, and his organising ability and his hope of promotion to a soap +factory. But with that his mind is exhausted. The student of genius +merely means to him a student who gives no trouble, who passes all +his "tests," and is present at all his "recitations." Such a student +also, if he can be trained to be a hustler and an advertiser, will +undoubtedly "make good." But beyond that the professor does not think +of him. The everlasting principle of equality has inserted itself in +a place where it has no right to be, and where inequality is the +breath of life. + +American or Canadian college trustees would be horrified at the +notion of professors who apparently do no work, give few or no +lectures and draw their pay merely for existing. Yet these are +really the only kind of professors worth having,--I mean, men who +can be trusted with a vague general mission in life, +with a salary guaranteed at least till their death, and a sphere +of duties entrusted solely to their own consciences and the promptings +of their own desires. Such men are rare, but a single one of them, +when found, is worth ten "executives" and a dozen "organisers." + +The excellence of Oxford, then, as I see it, lies in the peculiar +vagueness of the organisation of its work. It starts from the +assumption that the professor is a really learned man whose sole +interest lies in his own sphere: and that a student, or at least the +only student with whom the university cares to reckon seriously, is a +young man who desires to know. This is an ancient mediaeval attitude +long since buried in more up-to-date places under successive strata +of compulsory education, state teaching, the democratisation of +knowledge and the substitution of the shadow for the substance, and +the casket for the gem. No doubt, in newer places the thing has got +to be so. Higher education in America flourishes chiefly as a +qualification for entrance into a money-making profession, and not as +a thing in itself. But in Oxford one can still see the surviving +outline of a nobler type of structure and a higher inspiration. + +I do not mean to say, however, that my judgment of Oxford is one +undiluted stream of praise. In one respect at least I think that +Oxford has fallen away from the high ideals of the Middle Ages. I +refer to the fact that it admits women students to its studies. In +the Middle Ages women were regarded with a peculiar chivalry long +since lost. It was taken for granted that their brains were too +delicately poised to allow them to learn anything. It was presumed +that their minds were so exquisitely hung that intellectual effort +might disturb them. The present age has gone to the other extreme: +and this is seen nowhere more than in the crowding of women into +colleges originally designed for men. Oxford, I regret to find, +has not stood out against this change. + +To a profound scholar like myself, the presence of these young women, +many of them most attractive, flittering up and down the streets of +Oxford in their caps and gowns, is very distressing. + +Who is to blame for this and how they first got in I do not know. +But I understand that they first of all built a private college of +their own close to Oxford, and then edged themselves in foot by foot. +If this is so they only followed up the precedent of the recognised +method in use in America. When an American college is established, +the women go and build a college of their own overlooking the +grounds. Then they put on becoming caps and gowns and stand and look +over the fence at the college athletics. The male undergraduates, who +were originally and by nature a hardy lot, were not easily disturbed. +But inevitably some of the senior trustees fell in love with the +first year girls and became convinced that coeducation was a noble +cause. American statistics show that between 1880 and 1900 the number +of trustees and senior professors who married girl undergraduates or +who wanted to do so reached a percentage of,--I forget the exact +percentage; it was either a hundred or a little over. + +I don't know just what happened at Oxford but presumably something +of the sort took place. In any case the women are now all over the +place. They attend the college lectures, they row in a boat, and +they perambulate the High Street. They are even offering a serious +competition against the men. Last year they carried off the ping-pong +championship and took the chancellor's prize for needlework, while +in music, cooking and millinery the men are said to be nowhere. + +There is no doubt that unless Oxford puts the women out while there +is yet time, they will overrun the whole university. What this +means to the progress of learning few can tell and those who know +are afraid to say. + +Cambridge University, I am glad to see, still sets its face sternly +against this innovation. I am reluctant to count any superiority in +the University of Cambridge. Having twice visited Oxford, having made +the place a subject of profound study for many hours at a time, +having twice addressed its undergraduates, and having stayed at the +Mitre Hotel, I consider myself an Oxford man. But I must admit that +Cambridge has chosen the wiser part. + +Last autumn, while I was in London on my voyage of discovery, a +vote was taken at Cambridge to see if the women who have already +a private college nearby, should be admitted to the university. +They were triumphantly shut out; and as a fit and proper sign of +enthusiasm the undergraduates went over in a body and knocked down +the gates of the women's college. I know that it is a terrible +thing to say that any one approved of this. All the London papers +came out with headings that read,--ARE OUR UNDERGRADUATES TURNING +INTO BABOONS? and so on. The Manchester Guardian draped its pages +in black and even the London Morning Post was afraid to take bold +ground in the matter. But I do know also that there was a great +deal of secret chuckling and jubilation in the London clubs. Nothing +was expressed openly. The men of England have been too terrorised +by the women for that. + +But in safe corners of the club, out of earshot of the waiters and +away from casual strangers, little groups of elderly men chuckled +quietly together. "Knocked down their gates, eh?" said the wicked +old men to one another, and then whispered guiltily behind an +uplifted hand, "Serve 'em right." Nobody dared to say anything +outside. If they had some one would have got up and asked a question +in the House of Commons. When this is done all England falls flat +upon its face. + +But for my part when I heard of the Cambridge vote, I felt as Lord +Chatham did when he said in parliament, "Sir, I rejoice that America +has resisted." For I have long harboured views of my own upon the +higher education of women. In these days, however, it requires no +little hardihood to utter a single word of criticism against it. +It is like throwing half a brick through the glass roof of a +conservatory. It is bound to make trouble. Let me hasten, therefore, +to say that I believe most heartily in the higher education of +women; in fact, the higher the better. The only question to my +mind is: What is "higher education" and how do you get it? With +which goes the secondary enquiry, What is a woman and is she just +the same as a man? I know that it sounds a terrible thing to say +in these days, but I don't believe she is. + +Let me say also that when I speak of coeducation I speak of what +I know. I was coeducated myself some thirty-five years ago, at the +very beginning of the thing. I learned my Greek alongside of a bevy +of beauty on the opposite benches that mashed up the irregular +verbs for us very badly. Incidentally, those girls are all married +long since, and all the Greek they know now you could put under a +thimble. But of that presently. + +I have had further experience as well. I spent three years in the +graduate school of Chicago, where coeducational girls were as thick +as autumn leaves, and some thicker. And as a college professor at +McGill University in Montreal, I have taught mingled classes of +men and women for twenty years. + +On the basis of which experience I say with assurance that the thing +is a mistake and has nothing to recommend it but its relative +cheapness. Let me emphasise this last point and have done with it. +Coeducation is of course a great economy. To teach ten men and ten +women in a single class of twenty costs only half as much as to teach +two classes. Where economy must rule, then, the thing has got to be. +But where the discussion turns not on what is cheapest, but on what +is best, then the case is entirely different. + +The fundamental trouble is that men and women are different creatures, +with different minds and different aptitudes and different paths +in life. There is no need to raise here the question of which is +superior and which is inferior (though I think, the Lord help me, +I know the answer to that too). The point lies in the fact that +they are different. + +But the mad passion for equality has masked this obvious fact. When +women began to demand, quite rightly, a share in higher education, +they took for granted that they wanted the same curriculum as the +men. They never stopped to ask whether their aptitudes were not in +various directions higher and better than those of the men, and +whether it might not be better for their sex to cultivate the things +which were best suited to their minds. Let me be more explicit. In +all that goes with physical and mathematical science, women, on the +average, are far below the standard of men. There are, of course, +exceptions. But they prove nothing. It is no use to quote to me the +case of some brilliant girl who stood first in physics at Cornell. +That's nothing. There is an elephant in the zoo that can count up to +ten, yet I refuse to reckon myself his inferior. + +Tabulated results spread over years, and the actual experience of +those who teach show that in the whole domain of mathematics and +physics women are outclassed. At McGill the girls of our first year +have wept over their failures in elementary physics these twenty-five +years. It is time that some one dried their tears and took away +the subject. + +But, in any case, examination tests are never the whole story. To +those who know, a written examination is far from being a true +criterion of capacity. It demands too much of mere memory, +imitativeness, and the insidious willingness to absorb other people's +ideas. Parrots and crows would do admirably in examinations. Indeed, +the colleges are full of them. + +But take, on the other hand, all that goes with the aesthetic side +of education, with imaginative literature and the cult of beauty. +Here women are, or at least ought to be, the superiors of men. +Women were in primitive times the first story-tellers. They are +still so at the cradle side. The original college woman was the +witch, with her incantations and her prophecies and the glow of +her bright imagination, and if brutal men of duller brains had not +burned it out of her, she would be incanting still. To my thinking, +we need more witches in the colleges and less physics. + +I have seen such young witches myself,--if I may keep the word: I +like it,--in colleges such as Wellesley in Massachusetts and Bryn +Mawr in Pennsylvania, where there isn't a man allowed within the +three mile limit. To my mind, they do infinitely better thus by +themselves. They are freer, less restrained. They discuss things +openly in their classes; they lift up their voices, and they speak, +whereas a girl in such a place as McGill, with men all about her, +sits for four years as silent as a frog full of shot. + +But there is a deeper trouble still. The careers of the men and +women who go to college together are necessarily different, and +the preparation is all aimed at the man's career. The men are going +to be lawyers, doctors, engineers, business men, and politicians. +And the women are not. + +There is no use pretending about it. It may sound an awful thing to +say, but the women are going to be married. That is, and always has +been, their career; and, what is more, they know it; and even at +college, while they are studying algebra and political economy, they +have their eye on it sideways all the time. The plain fact is that, +after a girl has spent four years of her time and a great deal of her +parents' money in equipping herself for a career that she is never +going to have, the wretched creature goes and gets married, and in a +few years she has forgotten which is the hypotenuse of a right-angled +triangle, and she doesn't care. She has much better things to think +of. + +At this point some one will shriek: "But surely, even for marriage, +isn't it right that a girl should have a college education?" To which +I hasten to answer: most assuredly. I freely admit that a girl who +knows algebra, or once knew it, is a far more charming companion and +a nobler wife and mother than a girl who doesn't know x from y. But +the point is this: Does the higher education that fits a man to be a +lawyer also fit a person to be a wife and mother? Or, in other +words, is a lawyer a wife and mother? I say he is not. Granted that +a girl is to spend four years in time and four thousand dollars in +money in going to college, why train her for a career that she is +never going to adopt? Why not give her an education that will have a +meaning and a harmony with the real life that she is to follow? + +For example, suppose that during her four years every girl lucky +enough to get a higher education spent at least six months of it +in the training and discipline of a hospital as a nurse. There is +more education and character making in that than in a whole bucketful +of algebra. + +But no, the woman insists on snatching her share of an education +designed by Erasmus or William of Wykeham or William of Occam for +the creation of scholars and lawyers; and when later on in her home +there is a sudden sickness or accident, and the life or death of +those nearest to her hangs upon skill and knowledge and a trained +fortitude in emergency, she must needs send in all haste for a +hired woman to fill the place that she herself has never learned +to occupy. + +But I am not here trying to elaborate a whole curriculum. I am only +trying to indicate that higher education for the man is one thing, +for the woman another. Nor do I deny the fact that women have got to +earn their living. Their higher education must enable them to do +that. They cannot all marry on their graduation day. But that is no +great matter. No scheme of education that any one is likely to devise +will fail in this respect. + +The positions that they hold as teachers or civil servants they +would fill all the better if their education were fitted to their +wants. + +Some few, a small minority, really and truly "have a +career,"--husbandless and childless,--in which the sacrifice is +great and the honour to them, perhaps, all the higher. And others +no doubt dream of a career in which a husband and a group of +blossoming children are carried as an appendage to a busy life at +the bar or on the platform. But all such are the mere minority, so +small as to make no difference to the general argument. + +But there--I have written quite enough to make plenty of trouble +except perhaps at Cambridge University. So I return with relief to my +general study of Oxford. Viewing the situation as a whole, I am led +then to the conclusion that there must be something in the life of +Oxford itself that makes for higher learning. Smoked at by his tutor, +fed in Henry VIII's kitchen, and sleeping in a tangle of ivy, the +student evidently gets something not easily obtained in America. And +the more I reflect on the matter the more I am convinced that it is +the sleeping in the ivy that does it. How different it is from +student life as I remember it! + +When I was a student at the University of Toronto thirty years ago, +I lived,--from start to finish,--in seventeen different boarding +houses. As far as I am aware these houses have not, or not yet, +been marked with tablets. But they are still to be found in the +vicinity of McCaul and Darcy, and St. Patrick Streets. Any one who +doubts the truth of what I have to say may go and look at them. + +I was not alone in the nomadic life that I led. There were hundreds +of us drifting about in this fashion from one melancholy habitation +to another. We lived as a rule two or three in a house, sometimes +alone. We dined in the basement. We always had beef, done up in +some way after it was dead, and there were always soda biscuits on +the table. They used to have a brand of soda biscuits in those days +in the Toronto boarding houses that I have not seen since. They +were better than dog biscuits but with not so much snap. My +contemporaries will all remember them. A great many of the leading +barristers and professional men of Toronto were fed on them. + +In the life we led we had practically no opportunities for association +on a large scale, no common rooms, no reading rooms, nothing. We +never saw the magazines,--personally I didn't even know the names +of them. The only interchange of ideas we ever got was by going +over to the Caer Howell Hotel on University Avenue and interchanging +them there. + +I mention these melancholy details not for their own sake but merely +to emphasise the point that when I speak of students' dormitories, +and the larger life which they offer, I speak of what I know. + +If we had had at Toronto, when I was a student, the kind of +dormitories and dormitory life that they have at Oxford, I don't +think I would ever have graduated. I'd have been there still. The +trouble is that the universities on our Continent are only just +waking up to the idea of what a university should mean. They were, +very largely, instituted and organised with the idea that a +university was a place where young men were sent to absorb the +contents of books and to listen to lectures in the class rooms. The +student was pictured as a pallid creature, burning what was called +the "midnight oil," his wan face bent over his desk. If you wanted to +do something for him you gave him a book: if you wanted to do +something really large on his behalf you gave him a whole basketful +of them. If you wanted to go still further and be a benefactor to the +college at large, you endowed a competitive scholarship and set two +or more pallid students working themselves to death to get it. + +The real thing for the student is the life and environment that +surrounds him. All that he really learns he learns, in a sense, by +the active operation of his own intellect and not as the +passive recipient of lectures. And for this active operation what +he really needs most is the continued and intimate contact with +his fellows. Students must live together and eat together, talk +and smoke together. Experience shows that that is how their minds +really grow. And they must live together in a rational and comfortable +way. They must eat in a big dining room or hall, with oak beams +across the ceiling, and the stained glass in the windows, and with +a shield or tablet here or there upon the wall, to remind them +between times of the men who went before them and left a name worthy +of the memory of the college. If a student is to get from his +college what it ought to give him, a college dormitory, with the +life in common that it brings, is his absolute right. A university +that fails to give it to him is cheating him. + +If I were founding a university--and I say it with all the +seriousness of which I am capable--I would found first a smoking +room; then when I had a little more money in hand I would found a +dormitory; then after that, or more probably with it, a decent +reading room and a library. After that, if I still had money over +that I couldn't use, I would hire a professor and get some text +books. + +This chapter has sounded in the most part like a continuous eulogy +of Oxford with but little in favour of our American colleges. I +turn therefore with pleasure to the more congenial task of showing +what is wrong with Oxford and with the English university system +generally, and the aspect in which our American universities far +excell the British. + +The point is that Henry VIII is dead. The English are so proud of +what Henry VIII and the benefactors of earlier centuries did for the +universities that they forget the present. There is little or nothing +in England to compare with the magnificent generosity of individuals, +provinces and states, which is building up the colleges of the United +States and Canada. There used to be. But by some strange confusion of +thought the English people admire the noble gifts of Cardinal Wolsey +and Henry VIII and Queen Margaret, and do not realise that the +Carnegies and Rockefellers and the William Macdonalds are the +Cardinal Wolseys of to-day. The University of Chicago was founded +upon oil. McGill University rests largely on a basis of tobacco. In +America the world of commerce and business levies on itself a noble +tribute in favour of the higher learning. In England, with a few +conspicuous exceptions, such as that at Bristol, there is little of +the sort. The feudal families are content with what their remote +ancestors have done: they do not try to emulate it in any great +degree. + +In the long run this must count. Of all the various reforms that +are talked of at Oxford, and of all the imitations of American +methods that are suggested, the only one worth while, to my thinking, +is to capture a few millionaires, give them honorary degrees at a +million pounds sterling apiece, and tell them to imagine that they +are Henry the Eighth. I give Oxford warning that if this is not +done the place will not last another two centuries. + + + +VI.--The British and the American Press + +THE only paper from which a man can really get the news of the +world in a shape that he can understand is the newspaper of his +own "home town." For me, unless I can have the Montreal Gazette at +my breakfast, and the Montreal Star at my dinner, I don't really +know what is happening. In the same way I have seen a man from the +south of Scotland settle down to read the Dumfries Chronicle with +a deep sigh of satisfaction: and a man from Burlington, Vermont, +pick up the Burlington Eagle and study the foreign news in it as +the only way of getting at what was really happening in France and +Germany. + +The reason is, I suppose, that there are different ways of serving up +the news and we each get used to our own. Some people like the news +fed to them gently: others like it thrown at them in a bombshell: +some prefer it to be made as little of as possible; they want it +minimised: others want the maximum. + +This is where the greatest difference lies between the British +newspapers and those of the United States and Canada. With us in +America the great thing is to get the news and shout it at the +reader; in England they get the news and then break it to him as +gently as possible. Hence the big headings, the bold type, and the +double columns of the American paper, and the small headings and +the general air of quiet and respectability of the English Press. + +It is quite beside the question to ask which is the better. Neither +is. They are different things: that's all. The English newspaper is +designed to be read quietly, propped up against the sugar bowl of a +man eating a slow breakfast in a quiet corner of a club, or by a +retired banker seated in a leather chair nearly asleep, or by a +country vicar sitting in a wicker chair under a pergola. The American +paper is for reading by a man hanging on the straps of a clattering +subway express, by a man eating at a lunch counter, by a man standing +on one leg, by a man getting a two-minute shave, or by a man about to +have his teeth drawn by a dentist. + +In other words, there is a difference of atmosphere. It is not +merely in the type and the lettering, it is a difference in the +way the news is treated and the kind of words that are used. In +America we love such words as "gun-men" and "joy-ride" and +"death-cell": in England they prefer "person of doubtful character" +and "motor travelling at excessive speed" and "corridor No. 6." +If a milk-waggon collides in the street with a coal-cart, we write +that a "life-waggon" has struck a "death-cart." We call a murderer +a "thug" or a "gun-man" or a "yeg-man." In England they simply call +him "the accused who is a grocer's assistant in Houndsditch." That +designation would knock any decent murder story to pieces. + +Hence comes the great difference between the American "lead" or +opening sentence of the article, and the English method of +commencement. In the American paper the idea is that the reader is so +busy that he must first be offered the news in one gulp. After that +if he likes it he can go on and eat some more of it. So the opening +sentence must give the whole thing. Thus, suppose that a leading +member of the United States Congress has committed suicide. This is +the way in which the American reporter deals with it. + +"Seated in his room at the Grand Hotel with his carpet slippers on +his feet and his body wrapped in a blue dressing-gown with pink +insertions, after writing a letter of farewell to his wife and +emptying a bottle of Scotch whisky in which he exonerated her from +all culpability in his death, Congressman Ahasuerus P. Tigg was +found by night-watchman, Henry T. Smith, while making his rounds +as usual with four bullets in his stomach." + +Now let us suppose that a leading member of the House of Commons +in England had done the same thing. Here is the way it would be +written up in a first-class London newspaper. + +The heading would be HOME AND GENERAL INTELLIGENCE. That is inserted +so as to keep the reader soothed and quiet and is no doubt thought +better than the American heading BUGHOUSE CONGRESSMAN BLOWS OUT +BRAINS IN HOTEL. After the heading HOME AND GENERAL INTELLIGENCE +the English paper runs the subheading INCIDENT AT THE GRAND HOTEL. +The reader still doesn't know what happened; he isn't meant to. +Then the article begins like this: + +"The Grand Hotel, which is situated at the corner of Millbank and +Victoria Streets, was the scene last night of a distressing incident." + +"What is it?" thinks the reader. "The hotel itself, which is an +old Georgian structure dating probably from about 1750, is a quiet +establishment, its clientele mainly drawn from business men in the +cattle-droving and distillery business from South Wales." + +"What happened?" thinks the reader. + +"Its cuisine has long been famous for the excellence of its boiled +shrimps." + +"What happened?" + +"While the hotel itself is also known as the meeting place of the +Surbiton Harmonic Society and other associations." + +"What happened?" + +"Among the more prominent of the guests of the hotel has been +numbered during the present Parliamentary session Mr. Llewylln Ap. +Jones, M.P., for South Llanfydd. Mr. Jones apparently came to his +room last night at about ten P.M., and put on his carpet slippers +and his blue dressing gown. He then seems to have gone to the +cupboard and taken from it a whisky bottle which however proved to +be empty. The unhappy gentleman then apparently went to bed . . ." + +At that point the American reader probably stops reading, thinking +that he has heard it all. The unhappy man found that the bottle was +empty and went to bed: very natural: and the affair very properly +called a "distressing incident": quite right. But the trained English +reader would know that there was more to come and that the air of +quiet was only assumed, and he would read on and on until at last the +tragic interest heightened, the four shots were fired, with a good +long pause after each for discussion of the path of the bullet +through Mr. Ap. Jones. + +I am not saying that either the American way or the British way is +the better. They are just two different ways, that's all. But the +result is that anybody from the United States or Canada reading +the English papers gets the impression that nothing is happening: +and an English reader of our newspapers with us gets the idea that +the whole place is in a tumult. + +When I was in London I used always, in glancing at the morning +papers, to get a first impression that the whole world was almost +asleep. There was, for example, a heading called INDIAN INTELLIGENCE +that showed, on close examination, that two thousand Parsees had died +of the blue plague, that a powder boat had blown up at Bombay, that +some one had thrown a couple of bombs at one of the provincial +governors, and that four thousand agitators had been sentenced to +twenty years hard labour each. But the whole thing was just called +"Indian Intelligence." Similarly, there was a little item called, +"Our Chinese Correspondent." That one explained ten lines down, in +very small type, that a hundred thousand Chinese had been drowned in +a flood. And there was another little item labelled "Foreign Gossip," +under which was mentioned that the Pope was dead, and that the +President of Paraguay had been assassinated. + +In short, I got the impression that I was living in an easy drowsy +world, as no doubt the editor meant me to. It was only when the +Montreal Star arrived by post that I felt that the world was still +revolving pretty rapidly on its axis and that there was still +something doing. + +As with the world news so it is with the minor events of ordinary +life,--birth, death, marriage, accidents, crime. Let me give an +illustration. Suppose that in a suburb of London a housemaid has +endeavoured to poison her employer's family by putting a drug in the +coffee. Now on our side of the water we should write that little +incident up in a way to give it life, and put headings over it that +would capture the reader's attention in a minute. We should begin it +thus: + + PRETTY PARLOR MAID + DEALS DEATH-DRINK + TO CLUBMAN'S FAMILY + +The English reader would ask at once, how do we know that the parlor +maid is pretty? We don't. But our artistic sense tells us that she +ought to be. Pretty parlor maids are the only ones we take any +interest in: if an ugly parlor maid poisoned her employer's family we +should hang her. Then again, the English reader would say, how do we +know that the man is a clubman? Have we ascertained this fact +definitely, and if so, of what club or clubs is he a member? Well, we +don't know, except in so far as the thing is self-evident. Any man +who has romance enough in his life to be poisoned by a pretty +housemaid ought to be in a club. That's the place for him. In fact, +with us the word club man doesn't necessarily mean a man who belongs +to a club: it is defined as a man who is arrested in a gambling den; +or fined for speeding a motor or who shoots another person in a hotel +corridor. Therefore this man must be a club man. Having settled the +heading, we go on with the text: + +"Brooding over love troubles which she has hitherto refused to +divulge under the most grilling fusillade of rapid-fire questions +shot at her by the best brains of the New York police force, Miss +Mary De Forrest, a handsome brunette thirty-six inches around the +hips, employed as a parlor maid in the residence of Mr. Spudd Bung, a +well-known clubman forty-two inches around the chest, was arrested +yesterday by the flying squad of the emergency police after having, +so it is alleged, put four ounces of alleged picrate of potash into +the alleged coffee of her employer's family's alleged breakfast at +their residence on Hudson Heights in the most fashionable quarter of +the metropolis. Dr. Slink, the leading fashionable practitioner of +the neighbourhood who was immediately summoned said that but for his +own extraordinary dexterity and promptness the death of the whole +family, if not of the entire entourage, was a certainty. The +magistrate in committing Miss De Forrest for trial took occasion to +enlarge upon her youth and attractive appearance: he castigated the +moving pictures severely and said that he held them together with the +public school system and the present method of doing the hair, +directly responsible for the crimes of the kind alleged." + +Now when you read this over you begin to feel that something big has +happened. Here is a man like Dr. Slink, all quivering with promptness +and dexterity. Here is an inserted picture, a photograph, a brick +house in a row marked with a cross (+) and labelled "The Bung +Residence as. it appeared immediately after the alleged outrage." It +isn't really. It is just a photograph that we use for this sort of +thing and have grown to like. It is called sometimes:--"Residence of +Senator Borah" or "Scene of the Recent Spiritualistic Manifestations" +or anything of the sort. As long as it is marked with a cross (+) the +reader will look at it with interest. + +In other words we make something out of an occurrence like this. +It doesn't matter if it all fades out afterwards when it appears +that Mary De Forrest merely put ground allspice into the coffee in +mistake for powdered sugar and that the family didn't drink it +anyway. The reader has already turned to other mysteries. + +But contrast the pitifully tame way in which the same event is +written up in England. Here it is: + +SUBURBAN ITEM + +"Yesterday at the police court of Surbiton-on-Thames Mary Forrester, +a servant in the employ of Mr. S. Bung was taken into custody on +a charge of having put a noxious preparation, possibly poison, into +the coffee of her employer's family. The young woman was remanded +for a week." + +Look at that. Mary Forrester a servant? + +How wide was she round the chest? It doesn't say. Mr. S. Bung? Of +what club was he a member? None, apparently. Then who cares if he +is poisoned? And "the young woman!" What a way to speak of a decent +girl who never did any other harm than to poison a club man. And +the English magistrate! What a tame part he must have played: his +name indeed doesn't occur at all: apparently he didn't enlarge on +the girl's good looks, or "comment on her attractive appearance," +or anything. I don't suppose that he even asked Mary Forrester out +to lunch with him. + +Notice also that, according to the English way of writing the thing +up, as soon as the girl was remanded for a week the incident is +closed. The English reporter doesn't apparently know enough to follow +Miss De Forrest to her home (called "the De Forrest Residence" and +marked with a cross, +) . The American reporter would make certain to +supplement what went above with further information of this fashion. +"Miss De Forrest when seen later at her own home by a representative +of The Eagle said that she regretted very much having been put to the +necessity of poisoning Mr. Bung. She had in the personal sense +nothing against Mr. Bung and apart from poisoning him she had every +respect for Mr. Bung. Miss De Forrest, who talks admirably on a +variety of topics, expressed herself as warmly in favour of the +League of Nations and as a devotee of the short ballot and +proportional representation." + +Any American reader who studies the English Press comes upon these +wasted opportunities every day. There are indeed certain journals +of a newer type which are doing their best to imitate us. But they +don't really get it yet. They use type up to about one inch and +after that they get afraid. + +I hope that in describing the spirit of the English Press I do not +seem to be writing with any personal bitterness. I admit that there +might be a certain reason for such a bias. During my stay in England +I was most anxious to appear as a contributor to some of the leading +papers. This is, with the English, a thing that always adds prestige. +To be able to call oneself a "contributor" to the Times or to Punch +or the Morning Post or the Spectator, is a high honour. I have met +these "contributors" all over the British Empire. Some, I admit, look +strange. An ancient wreck in the back bar of an Ontario tavern +(ancient regime) has told me that he was a contributor to the Times: +the janitor of the building where I lived admits that he is a +contributor to Punch: a man arrested in Bristol for vagrancy while I +was in England pleaded that he was a contributor to the Spectator. In +fact, it is an honour that everybody seems to be able to get but me. + +I had often tried before I went to England to contribute to the +great English newspapers. I had never succeeded. But I hoped that +while in England itself the very propinquity of the atmosphere, I +mean the very contiguity of the surroundings, would render the +attempt easier. I tried and I failed. My failure was all the more +ignominious in that I had very direct personal encouragement. "By +all means," said the editor of the London Times, "do some +thing for us while you are here. Best of all, do something in a +political way; that's rather our special line." I had already +received almost an identical encouragement from the London Morning +Post, and in a more qualified way from the Manchester Guardian. In +short, success seemed easy. + +I decided therefore to take some simple political event of the +peculiar kind that always makes a stir in English politics and +write it up for these English papers. To simplify matters I thought +it better to use one and the same incident and write it up in three +different ways and get paid for it three, times. All of those who +write for the Press will understand the motive at once. I waited +therefore and watched the papers to see if anything interesting +might happen to the Ahkoond of Swat or the Sandjak of Novi Bazar +or any other native potentate. Within a couple of days I got what +I wanted in the following item, which I need hardly say is taken +word for word from the Press despatches: + +"Perim, via Bombay. News comes by messenger that the Shriek of +Kowfat who has been living under the convention of 1898 has violated +the modus operandi. He is said to have torn off his suspenders, +dipped himself in oil and proclaimed a Jehad. The situation is +critical." + +Everybody who knows England knows that this is just the kind of +news that the English love. On our side of the Atlantic we should +be bothered by the fact that we did not know where Kowfat is, nor +what was the convention of 1898. They are not. They just take it +for granted that Kowfat is one of the many thousand places that +they "own," somewhere in the outer darkness. They have so many +Kowfats that they cannot keep track of them. + +I knew therefore that everybody would be interested in any discussion +of what was at once called "the Kowfat Crisis" and I wrote it up. I +resisted the temptation to begin after the American fashion, "Shriek +sheds suspenders," and suited the writing, as I thought, to the +market I was writing for. I wrote up the incident for the Morning +Post after the following fashion: + +"The news from Kowfat affords one more instance of a painful +back-down on the part of the Government. Our policy of spineless +supineness is now reaping its inevitable reward. To us there is only +one thing to be done. If the Shriek has torn off his suspenders he +must be made to put them on again. We have always held that where the +imperial prestige of this country is concerned there is no room for +hesitation. In the present instance our prestige is at stake: the +matter involves our reputation in the eyes of the surrounding +natives, the Bantu Hottentots, the Negritos, the Dwarf Men of East +Abyssinia, and the Dog Men of Darfur. What will they think of us? If +we fail in this crisis their notion of us will fall fifty per cent. +In our opinion this country cannot stand a fifty per cent drop in the +estimation of the Dog Men. The time is one that demands action. An +ultimatum should be sent at once to the Shriek of Kowfat. If he has +one already we should send him another. He should be made at once to +put on his suspenders. The oil must be scraped off him, and he must +be told plainly that if a pup like him tries to start a Jehad he will +have to deal with the British Navy. We call the Shriek a pup in no +sense of belittling him as our imperial ally but because we consider +that the present is no time for half words and we do not regard pup +as half a word. Events such as the present, rocking the Empire to its +base, make one long for the spacious days of a Salisbury or a Queen +Elizabeth, or an Alfred the Great or a Julius Caesar. We doubt +whether the present Cabinet is in this class." + +Not to lose any time in the coming and going of the mail, always +a serious thought for the contributor to the Press waiting for a +cheque, I sent another editorial on the same topic to the Manchester +Guardian. It ran as follows: + +"The action of the Shriek of Kowfat in proclaiming a Jehad against us +is one that amply justifies all that we have said editorially since +Jeremy Bentham died. We have always held that the only way to deal +with a Mohammedan potentate like the Shriek is to treat him like a +Christian. The Khalifate of Kowfat at present buys its whole supply +of cotton piece goods in our market and pays cash. The Shriek, who is +a man of enlightenment, has consistently upheld the principles of +Free Trade. Not only are our exports of cotton piece goods, bibles, +rum, and beads constantly increasing, but they are more than offset +by our importation from Kowfat of ivory, rubber, gold, and oil. In +short, we have never seen the principles of Free Trade better +illustrated. The Shriek, it is now reported, refuses to wear the +braces presented to him by our envoy at the time of his coronation +five years ago. He is said to have thrown them into the mud. But we +have no reason to suppose that this is meant as a blow at our +prestige. It may be that after five years of use the little pulleys +of the braces no longer work properly. We have ourselves in our +personal life known instances of this, and can speak of the sense of +irritation occasioned. Even we have thrown on the floor ours. And in +any case, as we have often reminded our readers, what is prestige? If +any one wants to hit us, let him hit us right there. We regard a blow +at our trade as far more deadly than a blow at our prestige. + +"The situation as we see it demands immediate reparation on our +part. The principal grievance of the Shriek arises from the existence +of our fort and garrison on the Kowfat river. Our proper policy is +to knock down the fort, and either remove the garrison or give it +to the Shriek. We are convinced that as soon as the Shriek realises +that we are prepared to treat him in the proper Christian spirit, +he will at once respond with true Mohammedan generosity. + +"We have further to remember that in what we do we are being observed +by the neighbouring tribes, the Negritos, the Dwarf Men, and the Dog +Men of Darfur. These are not only shrewd observers but substantial +customers. The Dwarf Men at present buy all their cotton on the +Manchester market and the Dog Men depend on us for their soap. + +"The present crisis is one in which the nation needs statesmanship +and a broad outlook upon the world. In the existing situation we +need not the duplicity of a Machiavelli, but the commanding prescience +of a Gladstone or an Alfred the Great, or a Julius Caesar. Luckily +we have exactly this type of man at the head of affairs." + +After completing the above I set to work without delay on a similar +exercise for the London Times. The special. excellence of the Times, +as everybody knows is its fulness of information. For generations +past the Times has commanded a peculiar minuteness of knowledge +about all parts of the Empire. It is the proud boast of this great +journal that to whatever far away, outlandish part of the Empire +you may go, you will always find a correspondent of the Times +looking for something to do. It is said that the present proprietor +has laid it down as his maxim, "I don't want men who +think; I want men who know." The arrangements for thinking are made +separately. + +Incidentally I may say that I had personal opportunities while I +was in England of realising that the reputation of the Times staff +for the possession of information is well founded. Dining one night +with some members of the staff, I happened to mention Saskatchewan. +One of the editors at the other end of the table looked up at the +mention of the name. "Saskatchewan," he said, "ah, yes; that's not +far from Alberta, is it?" and then turned quietly to his food again. +When I remind the reader that Saskatchewan is only half an inch +from Alberta he may judge of the nicety of the knowledge involved. +Having all this in mind, I recast the editorial and sent it to the +London Times as follows: + +"The news that the Sultan of Kowfat has thrown away his suspenders +renders it of interest to indicate the exact spot where he has +thrown them. (See map). Kowfat, lying as the reader knows, on the +Kowfat River, occupies the hinterland between the back end of +south-west Somaliland and the east, that is to say, the west, bank +of Lake P'schu. It thus forms an enclave between the Dog Men of +Darfur and the Negritos of T'chk. The inhabitants of Kowfat are a +coloured race three quarters negroid and more than three quarters +tabloid. + +"As a solution of the present difficulty, the first thing required +in our opinion is to send out a boundary commission to delineate +more exactly still just where Kowfat is. After that an ethnographical +survey might be completed." + + +It was a matter not only of concern but of surprise to me that not +one of the three contributions recited above was accepted by the +English Press. The Morning Post complained that my editorial was not +firm enough in tone, the Guardian that it was not humane enough, the +Times that I had left out the latitude and longitude always expected +by their readers. I thought it not worth while to bother to revise +the articles as I had meantime conceived the idea that the same +material might be used in the most delightfully amusing way as the +basis of a poem far Punch. Everybody knows the kind of verses that +are contributed to Punch by Sir Owen Seaman and Mr. Charles Graves +and men of that sort. And everybody has been struck, as I have, by +the extraordinary easiness of the performance. All that one needs is +to get some odd little incident, such as the revolt of the Sultan of +Kowfat, make up an amusing title, and then string the verses together +in such a way as to make rhymes with all the odd words that come into +the narrative. In fact, the thing is ease itself. + +I therefore saw a glorious chance with the Sultan of Kowfat. Indeed, +I fairly chuckled to myself when I thought what amusing rhymes +could be made with "Negritos," "modus operandi" and "Dog Men of +Darfur." I can scarcely imagine anything more excruciatingly funny +than the rhymes which can be made with them. And as for the title, +bringing in the word Kowfat or some play upon it, the thing is +perfectly obvious. The idea amused me so much that I set to work +at the poem at once. + +I am sorry to say that I failed to complete it. Not that I couldn't +have done so, given time; I am quite certain that if I had had +about two years I could have done it. The main structure of the +poem, however, is here and I give it for what it is worth. Even as +it is it strikes me as extraordinarily good. Here it is: + + Title + +...................... Kowfat + + Verse One + +.........................., +............... modus operandi; +.........................., +.................., Negritos: +....................... P'shu. + + Verse Two + +..................... Khalifate; +............. Dog Men of Darfur: +....................... T'chk. + + +Excellent little thing, isn't it? All it needs is the rhymes. As +far as it goes it has just exactly the ease and the sweep required. +And if some one will tell me how Owen Seaman and those people get +the rest of the ease and the sweep I'll be glad to put it in. + +One further experiment of the same sort I made with the English +Press in another direction and met again with failure. If there is +one paper in the world for which I have respect and--if I may say +it--an affection, it is the London Spectator. I suppose that I am +only one of thousands and thousands of people who feel that way. +Why under the circumstances the Spectator failed to publish my +letter I cannot say. I wanted no money for it: I only wanted the +honour of seeing it inserted beside the letter written from the +Rectory, Hops, Hants, or the Shrubbery, Potts, Shrops,--I mean from +one of those places where the readers of the Spectator live. I +thought too that my letter had just the right touch. However, they +wouldn't take it: something wrong with it somewhere, I suppose. +This is it: + + To the Editor, + The Spectator, + London, England. + + Dear Sir, + + Your correspondence of last week contained such interesting + information in regard to the appearance of the first cowslip + in Kensington Common that I trust that I may, without + fatiguing your readers to the point of saturation, narrate + a somewhat similar and I think, sir, an equally interesting + experience of my own. While passing through Lambeth Gardens + yesterday towards the hour of dusk I observed a crow with + one leg sitting beside the duck-pond and apparently lost in + thought. There was no doubt that the bird was of the + species pulex hibiscus, an order which is becoming + singularly rare in the vicinity of the metropolis. Indeed, + so far as I am aware, the species has not been seen in + London since 1680. I may say that on recognising the bird I + drew as near as I could, keeping myself behind the + shrubbery, but the pulex hibiscus which apparently caught a + brief glimpse of my face uttered a cry of distress and flew + away. + + I am, sir, + Believe me, + yours, sir, + O.Y. Botherwithit. + (Ret'd Major Burmese Army.); + +Distressed by these repeated failures, I sank back to a lower level +of English literary work, the puzzle department. For some reason +or other the English delight in puzzles. It is, I think, a part of +the peculiar school-boy pedantry which is the reverse side of their +literary genius. I speak with a certain bitterness because in puzzle +work I met with no success whatever. My solutions were never +acknowledged, never paid for, in fact they were ignored. But I +append two or three of them here, with apologies to the editors of +the Strand and other papers who should have had the honour of +publishing them first. + + Puzzle I + +Can you fold a square piece of paper in such a way that with a +single fold it forms a pentagon? + +My Solution: Yes, if I knew what a pentagon was. + + Puzzle II + +A and B agree to hold a walking match across an open meadow, each +seeking the shortest line. A, walking from corner to corner, may +be said to diangulate the hypotenuse of the meadow. B, allowing +for a slight rise in the ground, walks on an obese tabloid. Which +wins? + +My Solution: Frankly, I don't know. + + Puzzle III + +(With apologies to the Strand.) + +A rope is passed over a pulley. It has a weight at one end and a +monkey at the other. There is the same length of rope on either side +and equilibrium is maintained. The rope weighs four ounces per foot. +The age of the monkey and the age of the monkey's mother together +total four years. The weight of the monkey is as many pounds as the +monkey's mother is years old. The monkey's mother was twice as old as +the monkey was when the monkey's mother was half as old as the monkey +will be when the monkey is three times as old as the monkey's mother +was when the monkey's mother was three times as old as the monkey. +The weight of the rope with the weight at the end was half as much +again as the difference in weight between the weight of the weight +and the weight of the monkey. Now, what was the length of the rope? + +My Solution: I should think it would have to be a rope of a fairly +good length. + +In only one department of English journalism have I met with a +decided measure of success; I refer to the juvenile competition +department. This is a sort of thing to which the English are +especially addicted. As a really educated nation for whom good +literature begins in the home they encourage in every way literary +competitions among the young readers of their journals. At least half +a dozen of the well-known London periodicals carry on this work. The +prizes run all the way from one shilling to half a guinea and the +competitions are generally open to all children from three to six +years of age. It was here that I saw my open opportunity and seized +it. I swept in prize after prize. As "Little Agatha" I got four +shillings for the best description of Autumn in two lines, and one +shilling for guessing correctly the missing letters in BR-STOL, +SH-FFIELD, and H-LL. A lot of the competitors fell down on H-LL. I +got six shillings for giving the dates of the Norman Conquest,--1492 +A.D., and the Crimean War of 1870. In short, the thing was easy. I +might say that to enter these competitions one has to have a +certificate of age from a member of the clergy. But I know a lot of +them. + + + +VII.--Business in England. + Wanted--More Profiteers + +It is hardly necessary to say that so shrewd an observer as I am +could not fail to be struck by the situation of business in England. +Passing through the factory towns and noticing that no smoke came +from the tall chimneys and that the doors of the factories were +shut, I was led to the conclusion that they were closed. + +Observing that the streets of the industrial centres were everywhere +filled with idle men, I gathered that they were unemployed: and when +I learned that the moving picture houses were full to the doors every +day and that the concert halls, beer gardens, grand opera, and +religious concerts were crowded to suffocation, I inferred that the +country was suffering from an unparalleled depression. This +diagnosis turned out to be absolutely correct. It has been freely +estimated that at the time I refer to almost two million men were out +of work. + +But it does not require government statistics to prove that in +England at the present day everybody seems poor, just as in the +United States everybody, to the eye of the visitor, seems to be rich. +In England nobody seems to be able to afford anything: in the United +States everybody seems to be able to afford everything. In England +nobody smokes cigars: in America everybody does. On the English +railways the first class carriages are empty: in the United States +the "reserved drawingrooms" are full. Poverty no doubt is only a +relative matter: but a man whose income used to be 10,000 a year and +is now 5,000, is living in "reduced circumstances": he feels himself +just as poor as the man whose income has been cut from five thousand +pounds to three, or from five hundred pounds to two. They are all in +the same boat. What with the lowering of dividends and the raising of +the income tax, the closing of factories, feeding the unemployed and +trying to employ the unfed, things are in a bad way. + +The underlying cause is plain enough. The economic distress that +the world suffers now is the inevitable consequence of the war. +Everybody knows that. But where the people differ is in regard to +what is going to happen next, and what we must do about it. Here +opinion takes a variety of forms. Some people blame it on the German +mark: by permitting their mark to fall, the Germans, it is claimed, +are taking away all the business from England; the fall of the +mark, by allowing the Germans to work harder and eat less than the +English, is threatening to drive the English out of house and home: +if the mark goes on falling still further the Germans will thereby +outdo us also in music, literature and in religion. What has got +to be done, therefore, is to force the Germans to lift the mark up +again, and make them pay up their indemnity. + +Another more popular school of thought holds to an entirely contrary +opinion. The whole trouble, they say, comes from the sad +collapse of Germany. These unhappy people, having been too busy +for four years in destroying valuable property in France and Belgium +to pay attention to their home affairs, now find themselves collapsed: +it is our first duty to pick them up again. The English should +therefore take all the money they can find and give it to the +Germans. By this means German trade and industry will revive to +such an extent that the port of Hamburg will be its old bright self +again and German waiters will reappear in the London hotels. After +that everything will be all right. + +Speaking with all the modesty of an outsider and a transient visitor, +I give it as my opinion that the trouble is elsewhere. The danger of +industrial collapse in England does not spring from what is happening +in Germany but from what is happening in England itself. England, +like most of the other countries in the world, is suffering from the +over-extension of government and the decline of individual self-help. +For six generations industry in England and America has flourished on +individual effort called out by the prospect of individual gain. +Every man acquired from his boyhood the idea that he must look after +himself. Morally, physically and financially that was the recognised +way of getting on. The desire to make a fortune was regarded as a +laudable ambition, a proper stimulus to effort. The ugly word +"profiteer" had not yet been coined. There was no income tax to turn +a man's pockets inside out and take away his savings. The world was +to the strong. + +Under the stimulus of this the wheels of industry hummed. Factories +covered the land. National production grew to a colossal size and +the whole outer world seemed laid under a tribute to the great +industry. As a system it was far from perfect. It contained in +itself all kinds of gross injustices, demands that were too great, +wages that were too small; in spite of the splendour of the +foreground, poverty and destitution hovered behind the scenes. But +such as it was, the system worked: and it was the only one that we +knew. + +Or turn to another aspect of this same principle of self-help. The +way to acquire knowledge in the early days was to buy a tallow candle +and read a book after one's day's work, as Benjamin Franklin read or +Lincoln: and when the soul was stimulated to it, then the aspiring +youth must save money, put himself to college, live on nothing, think +much, and in the course of this starvation and effort become a +learned man, with somehow a peculiar moral fibre in him not easily +reproduced to-day. For to-day the candle is free and the college is +free and the student has a "Union" like the profiteer's club and a +swimming-bath and a Drama League and a coeducational society at his +elbow for which he buys Beauty Roses at five dollars a bunch. + +Or turn if one will to the moral side. The older way of being good +was by much prayer and much effort of one's own soul. Now it is done +by a Board of Censors. There is no need to fight sin by the power of +the spirit: let the Board of Censors do it. They together with three +or four kinds of Commissioners are supposed to keep sin at arm's +length and to supply a first class legislative guarantee of +righteousness. As a short cut to morality and as a way of saving +individual effort our legislatures are turning out morality +legislation by the bucketful. The legislature regulates our drink, +it begins already to guard us against the deadly cigarette, it +regulates here and there the length of our skirts, it safeguards our +amusements and in two states of the American Union it even proposes +to save us from the teaching of the Darwinian Theory of evolution. +The ancient prayer "Lead us not into temptation" is passing out of +date. The way to temptation is declared closed by Act of Parliament +and by amendment to the constitution of the United States. Yet oddly +enough the moral tone of the world fails to respond. The world is +apparently more full of thugs, hold-up men, yeg-men, bandits, +motor-thieves, porchclimbers, spotters, spies and crooked policemen +than it ever was; till it almost seems that the slow, old-fashioned +method of an effort of the individual soul may be needed still before +the world is made good. + +This vast new system, the system of leaning on the government, is +spreading like a blight over England and America, and everywhere +we suffer from it. Government, that in theory represents a union +of effort and a saving of force, sprawls like an octopus over the +land. It has become like a dead weight upon us. Wherever it touches +industry it cripples it. It runs railways and makes a heavy deficit: +it builds ships and loses money on them: it operates the ships and +loses more money: it piles up taxes to fill the vacuum and when it +has killed employment, opens a bureau of unemployment and issues +a report on the depression of industry. + +Now, the only way to restore prosperity is to give back again to the +individual the opportunity to make money, to make lots of it, and when +he has got it, to keep it. In spite of all the devastation of the war +the raw assets of our globe are hardly touched. Here and there, as in +parts of China and in England and in Belgium with about seven hundred +people to the square mile, the world is fairly well filled up. There +is standing room only. But there are vast empty spaces still. +Mesopotamia alone has millions of acres of potential wheat land with a +few Arabs squatting on it. Canada could absorb easily half a million +settlers a year for a generation to come. The most fertile part of the +world, the valley of the Amazon, is still untouched: so fertile is it +that for tens of thousands of square miles it is choked with trees, a +mere tangle of life, defying all entry. The idea of our humanity sadly +walking the streets of Glasgow or sitting mournfully fishing on the +piers of the Hudson, out of work, would be laughable if it were not +for the pathos of it. + +The world is out of work for the simple reason that the world has +killed the goose that laid the golden eggs of industry. By taxation, +by legislation, by popular sentiment all over the world, there has +been a disparagement of the capitalist. And all over the world +capital is frightened. It goes and hides itself in the form of an +investment in a victory bond, a thing that is only a particular +name for a debt, with no productive effort behind it and indicating +only a dead weight of taxes. There capital sits like a bull-frog +hidden behind water-lilies, refusing to budge. + +Hence the way to restore prosperity is not to multiply government +departments and government expenditures, nor to appoint commissions +and to pile up debts, but to start going again the machinery of bold +productive effort. Take off all the excess profits taxes and the +super-taxes on income and as much of the income tax itself as can be +done by a wholesale dismissal of government employees and then give +industry a mark to shoot at. What is needed now is not the +multiplication of government reports, but corporate industry, the +formation of land companies, development companies, irrigation +companies, any kind of corporation that will call out private capital +from its hiding places, offer employment to millions and start the +wheels moving again. If the promoters of such corporations presently +earn huge fortunes for themselves society is none the worse: and in +any case, humanity being what it is, they will hand back a vast part +of what they have acquired in return for LL.D. degrees, or bits of +blue ribbon, or companionships of the Bath, or whatever kind of glass +bead fits the fancy of the retired millionaire. + +The next thing to be done, then, is to "fire" the government +officials and to bring back the profiteer. As to which officials +are to be fired first it doesn't matter much. In England people +have been greatly perturbed as to the use to be made of such +instruments as the "Geddes Axe": the edge of the axe of dismissal +seems so terribly sharp. But there is no need to worry. If the edge +of the axe is too sharp, hit with the back of it. + +As to the profiteer, bring him back. He is really just the same +person who a few years ago was called a Captain of Industry and an +Empire Builder and a Nation Maker. It is the times that have changed, +not the man. He is there still, just as greedy and rapacious as +ever, but no greedier: and we have just the same social need of +his greed as a motive power in industry as we ever had, and indeed +a worse need than before. + +We need him not only in business but in the whole setting of life, or +if not him personally, we need the eager, selfish, but reliant spirit +of the man who looks after himself and doesn't want to have a +spoon-fed education and a government job alternating with a +government dole, and a set of morals framed for him by a Board of +Censors. Bring back the profiteer: fetch him from the Riviera, from +his country-place on the Hudson, or from whatever spot to which he +has withdrawn with his tin box full of victory bonds. If need be, go +and pick him out of the penitentiary, take the stripes off him and +tell him to get busy again. Show him the map of the world and ask him +to pick out a few likely spots. The trained greed of the rascal will +find them in a moment. Then write him out a concession for coal in +Asia Minor or oil in the Mackenzie Basin or for irrigation in +Mesopotamia. The ink will hardly be dry on it before the capital will +begin to flow in: it will come from all kinds of places whence the +government could never coax it and where the tax-gatherer could never +find it. Only promise that it is not going to be taxed out of +existence and the stream of capital which is being dried up in the +sands of government mismanagement will flow into the hands of private +industry like a river of gold. + +And incidentally, when the profiteer has finished his work, we can +always put him back into the penitentiary if we like. But we need +him just now. + + + +VIII.--Is Prohibition Coming to England? + +IN the United States and Canada the principal topic of polite +conversation is now prohibition. At every dinner party the serving of +the cocktails immediately introduces the subject: the rest of the +dinner is enlivened throughout with the discussion of rum-runners, +bootleggers, storage of liquor and the State constitution of New +Jersey. Under this influence all social and conversational values are +shifted and rearranged. A "scholarly" man no longer means a man who +can talk well on literary subjects but a man who understands the +eighteenth amendment and can explain the legal difference between +implementing statutes such as the Volstead Act and the underlying +state legislation. A "scientist" (invaluable in these conversations) +is a man who can make clear the distinction between alcoholic +percentages by bulk and by weight. And a "brilliant engineer" means +a man who explains how to make homebrewed beer with a kick in it. +Similarly, a "raconteur" means a man who has a fund of amusing +stories about "bootleggers" and an "interesting traveller" means a +man who has been to Havana and can explain how wet it is. Indeed, the +whole conception of travel and of interest in foreign countries is +now altered: as soon as any one mentions that he has been in a +foreign country, all the company ask in one breath, "Is it dry?" The +question "How is Samoa?" or "How is Turkey?" or "How is British +Columbia?" no Ionger refers to the climate or natural resources: it +means "Is the place dry?" When such a question is asked and the +answer is "It's wet," there is a deep groan all around the table. + +I understand that when the recent disarmament conference met at +Washington just as the members were going to sit down at the table +Monsieur Briand said to President Harding, "How dry is the United +States, anyway?" And the whole assembly talked about it for half an +hour. That was why the first newspaper bulletins merely said, +"Conference exchanges credentials." + +As a discoverer of England I therefore made it one of my chief +cares to try to obtain accurate information of this topic. I was +well aware that immediately on my return to Canada the first question +I would be asked would be "Is England going dry?" I realised that +in any report I might make to the National Geographical Society or +to the Political Science Association, the members of these bodies, +being scholars, would want accurate information about the price of +whiskey, the percentage of alcohol, and the hours of opening and +closing the saloons. + +My first impression on the subject was, I must say, one of severe +moral shock. Landing in England after spending the summer in Ontario, +it seemed a terrible thing to see people openly drinking on an +English train. On an Ontario train, as everybody knows, there is +no way of taking a drink except by climbing up on +the roof, lying flat on one's stomach, and taking a suck out of a +flask. But in England in any dining car one actually sees a waiter +approach a person dining and say, "Beer, sir, or wine?" This is +done in broad daylight with no apparent sense of criminality or +moral shame. Appalling though it sounds, bottled ale is openly sold +on the trains at twenty-five cents a bottle and dry sherry at +eighteen cents a glass. + +When I first saw this I expected to see the waiter arrested on the +spot. I looked around to see if there were any "spotters," detectives, +or secret service men on the train. I anticipated that the train +conductor would appear and throw the waiter off the car. But then +I realised that I was in England and that in the British Isles they +still tolerate the consumption of alcohol. Indeed, I doubt if they +are even aware that they are "consuming alcohol." Their impression +is that they are drinking beer. + +At the beginning of my discussion I will therefore preface a few exact +facts and statistics for the use of geographical societies, learned +bodies and government commissions. The quantity of beer consumed in +England in a given period is about 200,000,000 gallons. The life of a +bottle of Scotch whiskey is seven seconds. The number of public +houses, or "pubs," in the English countryside is one to every half +mile. The percentage of the working classes drinking beer is 125: the +percentage of the class without work drinking beer is 200. + +Statistics like these do not, however, give a final answer to the +question, "Is prohibition coming to England?" They merely show that +it is not there now. The question itself will be answered in as many +different ways as there are different kinds of people. Any +prohibitionist will tell you that the coming of prohibition to +England is as certain as the coming eclipse of the sun. But this is +always so. It is in human nature that people are impressed by the +cause they work in. I once knew a minister of the Scotch Church who +took a voyage round the world: he said that the thing that impressed +him most was the growth of presbyterianism in Japan. No doubt it did. +When the Orillia lacrosse team took their trip to Australia, they +said on their return that lacrosse was spreading all over the world. +In the same way there is said to be a spread all over the world of +Christian Science, proportional representation, militarism, peace +sentiment, barbarism, altruism, psychoanalysis and death from wood +alcohol. They are what are called world movements. + +My own judgment in regard to prohibition in the British Isles is +this: In Scotland, prohibition is not coming: if anything, it is +going. In Ireland, prohibition will only be introduced when they +have run out of other forms of trouble. But in England I think that +prohibition could easily come unless the English people realise +where they are drifting and turn back. They are in the early stage +of the movement already. + +Turning first to Scotland, there is no fear, I say, that prohibition +will be adopted there: and this from the simple reason that the +Scotch do not drink. I have elsewhere alluded to the extraordinary +misapprehension that exists in regard to the Scotch people and +their sense of humour. I find a similar popular error in +regard to the use of whiskey by the Scotch. Because they manufacture +the best whiskey in the world, the Scotch, in popular fancy, are +often thought to be addicted to the drinking of it. This is purely +a delusion. During the whole of two or three pleasant weeks spent +in lecturing in Scotland, I never on any occasion saw whiskey made +use of as a beverage. I have seen people take it, of course, as a +medicine, or as a precaution, or as a wise offset against a rather +treacherous climate; but as a beverage, never. + +The manner and circumstance of their offering whiskey to a stranger +amply illustrates their point of view towards it. Thus at my first +lecture in Glasgow where I was to appear before a large and +fashionable audience, the chairman said to me in the committee room +that he was afraid that there might be a draft on the platform. Here +was a serious matter. For a lecturer who has to earn his living by +his occupation, a draft on the platform is not a thing to be +disregarded. It might kill him. Nor is it altogether safe for the +chairman himself, a man already in middle life, to be exposed to a +current of cold air. In this case, therefore, the chairman suggested +that he thought it might be "prudent"--that was his word, +"prudent"--if I should take a small drop of whiskey before +encountering the draft. In return I told him that I could not think +of his accompanying me to the platform unless he would let me insist +on his taking a very reasonable precaution. Whiskey taken on these +terms not only seems like a duty but it tastes better. + +In the same way I find that in Scotland it is very often necessary to +take something to drink on purely meteorological grounds. The weather +simply cannot be trusted. A man might find that on "going out into the +weather" he is overwhelmed by a heavy fog or an avalanche of snow or a +driving storm of rain. In such a case a mere drop of whiskey might +save his life. It would be folly not to take it. Again,--"coming in +out of the weather" is a thing not to be trifled with. A person coming +in unprepared and unprotected might be seized with angina pectoris or +appendicitis and die upon the spot. No reasonable person would refuse +the simple precaution of taking a small drop immediately after his +entry. + +I find that, classified altogether, there are seventeen reasons +advanced in Scotland for taking whiskey. They run as follows: Reason +one, because it is raining; Two, because it is not raining; Three, +because you are just going out into the weather; Four, because you +have just come in from the weather; Five; no, I forget the ones +that come after that. But I remember that reason number seventeen +is "because it canna do ye any harm." On the whole, reason seventeen +is the best. + +Put in other words this means that the Scotch make use of whiskey +with dignity and without shame: and they never call it alcohol. + +In England the case is different. Already the English are showing the +first signs that indicate the possible approach of prohibition. +Already all over England there are weird regulations about the +closing hours of the public houses. They open and close according to +the varying regulations of the municipality. In some places they open +at six in the morning, close down for an hour from nine till ten, +open then till noon, shut for ten minutes, and so on; in some places +they are open in the morning and closed in the evening; in other +places they are open in the evening and closed in the morning. The +ancient idea was that a wayside public house was a place of +sustenance and comfort, a human need that might be wanted any hour. +It was in the same class with the life boat or the emergency +ambulance. Under the old common law the innkeeper must supply meat +and drink at any hour. If he was asleep the traveller might wake him. +And in those days meat and drink were regarded in the same light. +Note how great the change is. In modern life in England there is +nothing that you dare wake up a man for except gasoline. The mere +fact that you need a drink is no longer held to entitle you to break +his rest. + +In London especially one feels the full force of the "closing" +regulations. The bars open and shut at intervals like daisies +blinking at the sun. And like the flowers at evening they close their +petals with the darkness. In London they have already adopted the +deadly phrases of the prohibitionist, such as "alcohol" and "liquor +traffic" and so on: and already the "sale of spirits" stops +absolutely at about eleven o'clock at night. + +This means that after theatre hours London is a "city of dreadful +night." The people from the theatre scuttle to their homes. The +lights are extinguished in the windows. The streets darken. Only +a belated taxi still moves. At midnight the place is deserted. At +1 A.M., the lingering footfalls echo in the empty street. Here +and there a restaurant in a fashionable street makes a poor pretence +of keeping open for after theatre suppers. Odd people, the shivering +wrecks of theatre parties, are huddled here and there. A gloomy +waiter lays a sardine on the table. The guests charge their glasses +with Perrier Water, Lithia Water, Citrate of Magnesia, or Bromo +Seltzer. They eat the sardine and vanish into the night. Not even +Oshkosh, Wisconsin, or Middlebury, Vermont, is quieter than is the +night life of London. It may no doubt seem a wise thing to go to +bed early. + +But it is a terrible thing to go to bed early by Act of Parliament. + +All of which means that the people of England are not facing the +prohibition question fairly and squarely. If they see no harm in +"consuming alcohol" they ought to say so and let their code of +regulations reflect the fact. But the "closing" and "regulating" +and "squeezing" of the "liquor traffic", without any outspoken +protest, means letting the whole case go by default. Under these +circumstances an organised and active minority can always win and +impose its will upon the crowd. + +When I was in England I amused myself one day by writing an imaginary +picture of what England will be like when the last stage is reached +and London goes the way of New York and Chicago. I cast it in the +form of a letter from an American prohibitionist in which he +describes the final triumph of prohibition in England. With the +permission of the reader I reproduce it here: + + THE ADVENT OF PROHIBITION IN ENGLAND + + As written in the correspondence of an American visitor + + How glad I am that I have lived to see this wonderful reform + of prohibition at last accomplished in England. There is + something so difficult about the British, so stolid, so hard + to move. + + We tried everything in the great campaign that we made, and + for ever so long it didn't seem to work. We had processions, + just as we did at home in America, with great banners + carried round bearing the inscription: "Do you want to save + the boy?" But these people looked on and said, "Boy? Boy? + What boy?" Our workers were almost disheartened. "Oh, sir," + said one of them, an ex-barkeeper from Oklahoma, "it does + seem so hard that we have total prohibition in the States + and here they can get all the drink they want." And the good + fellow broke down and sobbed. + + But at last it has come. After the most terrific efforts we + managed to get this nation stampeded, and for more than a + month now England has been dry. I wish you could have + witnessed the scenes, just like what we saw at home in + America, when it was known that the bill had passed. The + members of the House of Lords all stood up on their seats + and yelled, "Rah! Rah! Rah! Who's bone dry? We are!" And the + brewers and innkeepers were emptying their barrels of beer + into the Thames just as at St. Louis they emptied the beer + into the Mississippi. + + I can't tell you with what pleasure I watched a group of + members of the Athenaeum Club sitting on the bank of the + Thames and opening bottles of champagne and pouring them + into the river. "To think," said one of them to me, "that + there was a time when I used to lap up a couple of quarts of + this terrible stuff every evening." I got him to give me a + few bottles as a souvenir, and I got some more souvenirs, + whiskey and liqueurs, when the members of the Beefsteak Club + were emptying out their cellars into Green Street; so when + you come over, I shall still be able, of course, to give you + a drink. + + We have, as I said, been bone dry only a month, and yet + already we are getting the same splendid results as in + America. All the big dinners are now as refined and as + elevating and the dinner speeches as long and as informal as + they are in New York or Toronto. The other night at a dinner + at the White Friars Club I heard Sir Owen Seaman speaking, + not in that light futile way that he used to have, but quite + differently. He talked for over an hour and a half on the + State ownership of the Chinese Railway System, and I almost + fancied myself back in Boston. + + And the working class too. It is just wonderful how + prohibition has increased their efficiency. In the old days + they used to drop their work the moment the hour struck. Now + they simply refuse to do so. I noticed yesterday a foreman + in charge of a building operation vainly trying to call the + bricklayers down. "Come, come, gentlemen," he shouted, "I + must insist on your stopping for the night." But they just + went on laying bricks faster than ever. + + Of course, as yet there are a few slight difficulties and + deficiencies, just as there are with us in America. We have + had the same trouble with wood-alcohol (they call it + methylated spirit here), with the same deplorable results. + On some days the list of deaths is very serious, and in some + cases we are losing men we can hardly spare. A great many of + our leading actors--in fact, most of them--are dead. And there + has been a heavy loss, too, among the literary class and in + the legal profession. + + There was a very painful scene last week at the dinner of + the Benchers of Gray's Inn. It seems that one of the chief + justices had undertaken to make home brew for the Benchers, + just as the people do on our side of the water. He got one + of the waiters to fetch him some hops and three raw + potatoes, a packet of yeast and some boiling water. In the + end, four of the Benchers were carried out dead. But they + are going to give them a public funeral in the Abbey. + + I regret to say that the death list in the Royal Navy is + very heavy. Some of the best sailors are gone, and it is + very difficult to keep admirals. But I have tried to explain + to the people here that these are merely the things that one + must expect, and that, with a little patience, they will + have bone-dry admirals and bone-dry statesmen just as good + as the wet ones. Even the clergy can be dried up with + firmness and perseverance. + + There was also a slight sensation here when the Chancellor + of the Exchequer brought in his first appropriation for + maintaining prohibition. From our point of view in America, + it was modest enough. But these people are not used to it. + The Chancellor merely asked for ten million pounds a month + to begin on; he explained that his task was heavy; he has to + police, not only the entire coast, but also the interior; + for the Grampian Hills of Scotland alone he asked a million. + There was a good deal of questioning in the House over these + figures. The Chancellor was asked if he intended to keep a + hired spy at every street corner in London. He answered, + "No, only on every other street." He added also that every + spy must wear a brass collar with his number. + + I must admit further, and I am sorry to have to tell you + this, that now we have prohibition it is becoming + increasingly difficult to get a drink. In fact, sometimes, + especially in the very early morning, it is most + inconvenient and almost impossible. The public houses being + closed, it is necessary to go into a drug store--just as it + is with us--and lean up against the counter and make a + gurgling sound like apoplexy. One often sees these apoplexy + cases lined up four deep. + + But the people are finding substitutes, just as they do with + us. There is a tremendous run on patent medicines, perfume, + glue and nitric acid. It has been found that Shears' soap + contains alcohol, and one sees people everywhere eating + cakes of it. The upper classes have taken to chewing tobacco + very considerably, and the use of opium in the House of + Lords has very greatly increased. + + But I don't want you to think that if you come over here to + see me, your private life will be in any way impaired or + curtailed. I am glad to say that I have plenty of rich + connections whose cellars are very amply stocked. The Duke + of Blank is said to have 5,000 cases of Scotch whiskey, and + I have managed to get a card of introduction to his butler. + In fact you will find that, just as with us in America, the + benefit of prohibition is intended to fall on the poorer + classes. There is no desire to interfere with the rich. + + + + +IX.--"We Have With Us To-night" + +NOT only during my tour in England but for many years past it has +been my lot to speak and to lecture in all sorts of places, under +all sorts of circumstances and before all sorts of audiences. I +say this, not in boastfulness, but in sorrow. Indeed, I only mention +it to establish the fact that when I talk of lecturers and speakers, +I talk of what I know. + +Few people realise how arduous and how disagreeable public lecturing +is. The public sees the lecturer step out on to the platform in his +little white waistcoat and his long tailed coat and with a false air +of a conjurer about him, and they think him happy. After about ten +minutes of his talk they are tired of him. Most people tire of a +lecture in ten minutes; clever people can do it in five. Sensible +people never go to lectures at all. But the people who do go to a +lecture and who get tired of it, presently hold it as a sort of a +grudge against the lecturer personally. In reality his sufferings are +worse than theirs. + +For my own part I always try to appear as happy as possible while I +am lecturing. I take this to be part of the trade of anybody labelled +a humourist and paid as such. I have no sympathy whatever with the +idea that a humourist ought to be a lugubrious person with a face +stamped with melancholy. This is a cheap and elementary effect +belonging to the level of a circus clown. The image of "laughter +shaking both his sides" is the truer picture of comedy. Therefore, I +say, I always try to appear cheerful at my lectures and even to laugh +at my own jokes. Oddly enough this arouses a kind of resentment in +some of the audience. "Well, I will say," said a stern-looking woman +who spoke to me after one of my lectures, "you certainly do seem to +enjoy your own fun." "Madam," I answered, "if I didn't, who would?" +But in reality the whole business of being a public lecturer is one +long variation of boredom and fatigue. So I propose to set down here +some of the many trials which the lecturer has to bear. + +The first of the troubles which any one who begins giving public +lectures meets at the very outset is the fact that the audience +won't come to hear him. This happens invariably and constantly, +and not through any fault or shortcoming of the speaker. + +I don't say that this happened very often to me in my tour in +England. In nearly all cases I had crowded audiences: by dividing +up the money that I received by the average number of people present +to hear me I have calculated that they paid thirteen cents each. +And my lectures are evidently worth thirteen cents. But at home in +Canada I have very often tried the fatal experiment of lecturing +for nothing: and in that case the audience simply won't come. A +man will turn out at night when he knows he is going to hear a +first class thirteen cent lecture; but when the thing is given for +nothing, why go to it? + +The city in which I live is overrun with little societies, clubs +and associations, always wanting to be addressed. So at least it +is in appearance. In reality the societies are composed of presidents, +secretaries and officials, who want the conspicuousness of office, +and a large list of other members who won't come to the meetings. +For such an association, the invited speaker who is to lecture for +nothing prepares his lecture on "Indo-Germanic Factors in the +Current of History." If he is a professor, he takes all the winter +at it. You may drop in at his house at any time and his wife will +tell you that he is "upstairs working on his lecture." If he comes +down at all it is in carpet slippers and dressing gown. His mental +vision of his meeting is that of a huge gathering of keen people +with Indo-Germanic faces, hanging upon every word. + +Then comes the fated night. There are seventeen people present. The +lecturer refuses to count them. He refers to them afterwards as +"about a hundred." To this group he reads his paper on the +Indo-Germanic Factor. It takes him two hours. When he is over the +chairman invites discussion. There is no discussion. The audience is +willing to let the Indo-Germanic factors go unchallenged. Then the +chairman makes this speech. He says: + +"I am very sorry indeed that we should have had such a very poor +'turn out' to-night. I am sure that the members who were not here +have missed a real treat in the delightful paper that we have +listened to. I want to assure the lecturer that if he comes to the +Owl's Club again we can guarantee him next time a capacity audience. +And will any members, please, who haven't paid their dollar this +winter, pay it either to me or to Mr. Sibley as they pass out." + +I have heard this speech (in the years when I have had to listen to +it) so many times that I know it by heart. I have made the +acquaintance of the Owl's Club under so many names that I recognise +it at once. I am aware that its members refuse to turn out in cold +weather; that they do not turn out in wet weather; that when the +weather is really fine, it is impossible to get them together; that +the slightest counter-attraction,--a hockey match, a sacred +concert,--goes to their heads at once. + +There was a time when I was the newly appointed occupant of a +college chair and had to address the Owl's Club. It is a penalty +that all new professors pay; and the Owls batten upon them like +bats. It is one of the compensations of age that I am free of the +Owl's Club forever. But in the days when I still had to address +them, I used to take it out of the Owls in a speech, delivered, in +imagination only and not out loud, to the assembled meeting of the +seventeen Owls, after the chairman had made his concluding remarks. +It ran as follows: + +"Gentlemen--if you are such, which I doubt. I realise that the paper +which I have read on "Was Hegel a deist?" has been an error. I spent +all the winter on it and now I realise that not one of you pups know +who Hegel was or what a deist is. Never mind. It is over now, and I +am glad. But just let me say this, only this, which won't keep you a +minute. Your chairman has been good enough to say that if I come +again you will get together a capacity audience to hear me. Let me +tell you that if your society waits for its next meeting till I come +to address you again, you will wait indeed. In fact, gentlemen--I say +it very frankly--it will be in another world." + +But I pass over the audience. Suppose there is a real audience, +and suppose them all duly gathered together. Then it becomes the +business of that gloomy gentleman--facetiously referred to in the +newspaper reports as the "genial chairman"--to put the lecturer to +the bad. In nine cases out of ten he can do so. Some chairmen, +indeed, develop a great gift for it. Here are one or two examples +from my own experience: + +"Ladies and gentlemen," said the chairman of a society in a little +country town in Western Ontario, to which I had come as a paid (a +very humbly paid) lecturer, "we have with us tonight a gentleman" +(here he made an attempt to read my name on a card, failed to read it +and put the card back in his pocket)--"a gentleman who is to lecture +to us on" (here he looked at his card again)--"on Ancient Ancient,--I +don't very well see what it is--Ancient --Britain? Thank you, on +Ancient Britain. Now, this is the first of our series of lectures +for this winter. The last series, as you all know, was not a +success. In fact, we came out at the end of the year with a deficit. +So this year we are starting a new line and trying the experiment of +cheaper talent." + +Here the chairman gracefully waved his hand toward me and there +was a certain amount of applause. "Before I sit down," the chairman +added, "I'd like to say that I am sorry to see such a poor turn-out +to-night and to ask any of the members who haven't paid their dollar +to pay it either to me or to Mr. Sibley as they pass out." + +Let anybody who knows the discomfiture of coming out before an +audience on any terms, judge how it feels to crawl out in front of +them labelled cheaper talent. + +Another charming way in which the chairman endeavours to put both +the speaker for the evening and the audience into an entirely good +humour, is by reading out letters of regret from persons unable to +be present. This, of course, is only for grand occasions when the +speaker has been invited to come under very special auspices. It +was my fate, not long ago, to "appear" (this is the correct word +to use in this connection) in this capacity when I was going about +Canada trying to raise some money for the relief of the Belgians. +I travelled in great glory with a pass on the Canadian Pacific +Railway (not since extended: officials of the road kindly note +this) and was most generously entertained wherever I went. + +It was, therefore, the business of the chairman at such meetings +as these to try and put a special distinction or cachet on the +gathering. This is how it was done: + +"Ladies and gentlemen," said the chairman, rising from his seat on +the platform with a little bundle of papers in his hand, "before I +introduce the speaker of the evening, I have one or two items that I +want to read to you." Here he rustles his papers and there is a deep +hush in the hall while he selects one. "We had hoped to have with us +to-night Sir Robert Borden, the Prime Minister of this Dominion. I +have just received a telegram from Sir Robert in which he says that +he will not be able to be here" (great applause). The chairman puts +up his hand for silence, picks up another telegram and continues, +"Our committee, ladies and gentlemen, telegraphed an invitation to +Sir Wilfrid Laurier very cordially inviting him to be here to-night. +I have here Sir Wilfrid's answer in which he says that he will not be +able to be with us" (renewed applause). The chairman again puts up +his hand for silence and goes on, picking up one paper after another. +"The Minister of Finance regrets that he will be unable to come" +(applause). "Mr. Rodolphe Lemieux (applause) will not be here (great +applause)--the Mayor of Toronto (applause) is detained on business +(wild applause)--the Anglican Bishop of the Diocese (applause)--the +Principal of the University College, Toronto (great applause)--the +Minister of Education (applause)--none of these are coming." There is +a great clapping of hands and enthusiasm, after which the meeting is +called to order with a very distinct and palpable feeling that it is +one of the most distinguished audiences ever gathered in the hall. + +Here is another experience of the same period while I was pursuing +the same exalted purpose: I arrived in a little town in Eastern +Ontario, and found to my horror that I was billed to "appear" in +a church. I was supposed to give readings from my works, and my +books are supposed to be of a humorous character. A church hardly +seemed the right place to get funny in. I explained my difficulty +to the pastor of the church, a very solemn looking man. He nodded +his head, slowly and gravely, as he grasped my difficulty. "I see," +he said, "I see, but I think that I can introduce you to our people +in such a way as to make that right." + +When the time came, he led me up on to the pulpit platform of the +church, just beside and below the pulpit itself, with a reading desk +and a big bible and a shaded light beside it. It was a big church, and +the audience, sitting in half darkness, as is customary during a +sermon, reached away back into the gloom. The place was packed full +and absolutely quiet. Then the chairman spoke: + +"Dear friends," he said, "I want you to understand that it will be +all right to laugh tonight. Let me hear you laugh heartily, laugh +right out, just as much as ever you want to, because" (and here +his voice assumed the deep sepulchral tones of the preacher),-"when +we think of the noble object for which the professor appears +to-night, we may be assured that the Lord will forgive any one who +will laugh at the professor." + +I am sorry to say, however, that none of the audience, even with +the plenary absolution in advance, were inclined to take a chance +on it. + +I recall in this same connection the chairman of a meeting at a +certain town in Vermont. He represents the type of chairman who turns +up so late at the meeting that the committee have no time to explain +to him properly what the meeting is about or who the speaker is. I +noticed on this occasion that he introduced me very guardedly by name +(from a little card) and said nothing about the Belgians, and nothing +about my being (supposed to be) a humourist. This last was a great +error. The audience, for want of guidance, remained very silent and +decorous, and well behaved during my talk. Then, somehow, at the end, +while some one was moving a vote of thanks, the chairman discovered +his error. So he tried to make it good. Just as the audience were +getting up to put on their wraps, he rose, knocked on his desk and +said: + +"Just a minute, please, ladies and gentlemen, just a minute. I have +just found out--I should have known it sooner, but I was late in +coming to this meeting--that the speaker who has just addressed you +has done so in behalf of the Belgian Relief Fund. I understand that +he is a well-known Canadian humourist (ha! ha!) and I am sure that we +have all been immensely amused (ha! ha!). He is giving his delightful +talks (ha! ha!)--though I didn't know this till just this minute--for +the Belgian Relief Fund, and he is giving his services for nothing. I +am sure when we realise this, we shall all feel that it has been well +worth while to come. I am only sorry that we didn't have a better +turn out to-night. But I can assure the speaker that if he will come +again, we shall guarantee him a capacity audience. And I may say, +that if there are any members of this association who have not paid +their dollar this season, they can give it either to myself or to Mr. +Sibley as they pass out." + +With the amount of accumulated experience that I had behind me I +was naturally interested during my lecture in England in the chairmen +who were to introduce me. I cannot help but feel that I have acquired +a fine taste in chair men. I know them just as other experts know +old furniture and Pekinese dogs. The witty chairman, the prosy +chairman, the solemn chairman,--I know them all. As soon as I shake +hands with the chairman in the Committee room I can tell exactly +how he will act. + +There are certain types of chairmen who have so often been described +and are so familiar that it is not worth while to linger on them. +Everybody knows the chairman who says; "Now, ladies and gentlemen, +you have not come here to listen to me. So I will be very brief; in +fact, I will confine my remarks to just one or two very short +observations." He then proceeds to make observations for twenty-five +minutes. At the end of it he remarks with charming simplicity, "Now I +know that you are all impatient to hear the lecturer. . . ." + +And everybody knows the chairman who comes to the meeting with a +very imperfect knowledge of who or what the lecturer is, and is +driven to introduce him by saying: + +"Our lecturer of the evening is widely recognised as one of the +greatest authorities on; on,--on his subject in the world to-day. +He comes to us from; from a great distance and I can assure him +that it is a great pleasure to this audience to welcome a man who +has done so much to,--to,--to advance the interests of, --of; of +everything as he has." + +But this man, bad as he is, is not so bad as the chairman whose +preparation for introducing the speaker has obviously been made at +the eleventh hour. Just such a chairman it was my fate to strike in +the form of a local alderman, built like an ox, in one of those small +manufacturing places in the north of England where they grow men of +this type and elect them into office. + +"I never saw the lecturer before," he said, "but I've read his +book." (I have written nineteen books.) "The committee was good +enough to send me over his book last night. I didn't read it all +but I took a look at the preface and I can assure him that he is +very welcome. I understand he comes from a college. . . ." Then he +turned directly towards me and said in a loud voice, "What was the +name of that college over there you said you came from ?" + +"McGill," I answered equally loudly. + +"He comes from McGill," the chairman boomed out. "I never heard of +McGill myself but I can assure him he's welcome. He's going to +lecture to us on,--what did you say it was to be about?" + +"It's a humorous lecture," I said. + +"Ay, it's to be a humorous lecture, ladies and gentlemen, and I'll +venture to say it will be a rare treat. I'm only sorry I can't stay +for it myself as I have to get back over to the Town Hall for a +meeting. So without more ado I'll get off the platform and let the +lecturer go on with his humour." + +A still more terrible type of chairman is one whose mind is evidently +preoccupied and disturbed with some local happening and who comes +on to the platform with a face imprinted with distress. Before +introducing the lecturer he refers in moving tones to the local +sorrow, whatever it is. As a prelude to a humorous lecture this is +not gay. + +Such a chairman fell to my lot one night before a gloomy audience +in a London suburb. "As I look about this hall to-night," he began +in a doleful whine, "I see many empty seats." Here he stifled a +sob. "Nor am I surprised that a great many of our people should +prefer to-night to stay quietly at home--" + +I had no clue to what he meant. I merely gathered that some particular +sorrow must have overwhelmed the town that day. + +"To many it may seem hardly fitting that after the loss our town +has sustained we should come out here to listen to a humorous +lecture,--", "What's the trouble?" I whispered to a citizen sitting +beside me on the platform. + +"Our oldest resident"--he whispered back --"he died this morning." + +"How old?" + +"Ninety-four," he whispered. + +Meantime the chairman, with deep sobs in his voice, continued: + +"We debated in our committee whether or not we should have the +lecture. Had it been a lecture of another character our position +would have been less difficult,--", By this time I began to feel +like a criminal. "The case would have been different had the +lecture been one that contained information, or that was inspired +by some serious purpose, or that could have been of any benefit. +But this is not so. We understand that this lecture which Mr. +Leacock has already given, I believe, twenty or thirty times in +England,--" + +Here he turned to me with a look of mild reproval while the silent +audience, deeply moved, all looked at me as at a man who went around +the country insulting the memory of the dead by giving a lecture +thirty times. + +"We understand, though this we shall have an opportunity of testing +for ourselves presently, that Mr. Leacock's lecture is not of a +character which,--has not, so to speak, the kind of value, in short, +is not a lecture of that class." + +Here he paused and choked back a sob. + +"Had our poor friend been spared to us for another six years he +would have rounded out the century. But it was not to be. For two +or three years past he has noted that somehow his strength was +failing, that, for some reason or other, he was no longer what he +had been. Last month he began to droop. Last week he began to +sink. Speech left him last Tuesday. This morning he passed, and he +has gone now, we trust, in safety to where there are no lectures." + +The audience were now nearly in tears. + +The chairman made a visible effort towards firmness and control. + +"But yet," he continued, "our committee felt that in another sense +it was our duty to go on with our arrangements. I think, ladies +and gentlemen, that the war has taught us all that it is always +our duty to 'carry on,' no matter how hard it may be, no matter +with what reluctance we do it, and whatever be the difficulties +and the dangers, we must carry on to the end: for after all there +is an end and by resolution and patience we can reach it. + +"I will, therefore, invite Mr. Leacock to deliver to us his humorous +lecture, the title of which I have forgotten, but I understand it +to be the same lecture which he has already given thirty or forty +times in England." + +But contrast with this melancholy man the genial and pleasing person +who introduced me, all upside down, to a metropolitan audience. + +He was so brisk, so neat, so sure of himself that it didn't seem +possible that he could make any kind of a mistake. I thought it +unnecessary to coach him. He seemed absolutely all right. + +"It is a great pleasure,"--he said, with a charming, easy appearance +of being entirely at home on the platform,--"to welcome here tonight +our distinguished Canadian fellow citizen, Mr. Learoyd"--he turned +half way towards me as he spoke with a sort of gesture of welcome, +admirably executed. If only my name had been Learoyd instead of +Leacock it would have been excellent. + +"There are many of us," he continued, "who have awaited Mr. Learoyd's +coming with the most pleasant anticipations. We seemed from his +books to know him already as an old friend. In fact I think I do +not exaggerate when I tell Mr. Learoyd that his name in our city +has long been a household word. I have very, very great pleasure, +ladies and gentlemen, in introducing to you Mr. Learoyd." + +As far as I know that chairman never knew his error. At the close of +my lecture he said that he was sure that the audience "were deeply +indebted to Mr. Learoyd," and then with a few words of rapid, genial +apology buzzed off, like a humming bird, to other avocations. But I +have amply forgiven him: anything for kindness and geniality; it +makes the whole of life smooth. If that chairman ever comes to my +home town he is hereby invited to lunch or dine with me, as Mr. +Learoyd or under any name that he selects. + +Such a man is, after all, in sharp contrast to the kind of chairman +who has no native sense of the geniality that ought to accompany +his office. There is, for example, a type of man who thinks that +the fitting way to introduce a lecturer is to say a few words about +the finances of the society to which he is to lecture (for money) +and about the difficulty of getting members to turn out to hear +lectures. + +Everybody has heard such a speech a dozen times. But it is the paid +lecturer sitting on the platform who best appreciates it. It runs +like this: + +"Now, ladies and gentlemen, before I invite the lecturer of the +evening to address us there are a few words that I would like to say. +There are a good many members who are in arrears with their fees. I +am aware that these are hard times and it is difficult to collect +money but at the same time the members ought to remember that the +expenses of the society are very heavy. The fees that are asked by +the lecturers, as I suppose you know, have advanced very greatly in +the last few years. In fact I may say that they are becoming almost +prohibitive." + +This discourse is pleasant hearing for the lecturer. He can see +the members who have not yet paid their annual dues eyeing him with +hatred. The chairman goes on: + +"Our finance committee were afraid at first that we could not afford +to bring Mr. Leacock to our society. But fortunately through the +personal generosity of two of our members who subscribed ten pounds +each out of their own pocket we are able to raise the required +sum." + + (Applause: during which the lecturer sits looking and feeling + like the embodiment of the "required sum.") + +"Now, ladies and gentlemen," continues the chairman, "what I feel is +that when we have members in the society who are willing to make this +sacrifice,--because it is a sacrifice, ladies and gentlemen,--we +ought to support them in every way. The members ought to think it +their duty to turn out to the lectures. I know that it is not an easy +thing to do. On a cold night, like this evening, it is hard, I admit +it is hard, to turn out from the comfort of one's own fireside and +come and listen to a lecture. But I think that the members should +look at it not as a matter of personal comfort but as a matter of +duty towards this society. We have managed to keep this society alive +for fifteen years and, though I don't say it in any spirit of +boasting, it has not been an easy thing to do. It has required a good +deal of pretty hard spade work by the committee. Well, ladies and +gentlemen, I suppose you didn't come here to listen to me and perhaps +I have said enough about our difficulties and troubles. So without +more ado (this is always a favourite phrase with chairmen) I'll +invite Mr. Leacock to address the society; oh, just a word before I +sit down. Will all those who are leaving before the end of the +lecture kindly go out through the side door and step as quietly as +possible? Mr. Leacock." + +Anybody who is in the lecture business knows that that introduction +is far worse than being called Mr. Learoyd. + + +When any lecturer goes across to England from this side of the +water there is naturally a tendency on the part of the chairman to +play upon this fact. This is especially true in the case of a +Canadian like myself. The chairman feels that the moment is fitting +for one of those great imperial thoughts that bind the British +Empire together. But sometimes the expression of the thought falls +short of the full glory of the conception. + +Witness this (word for word) introduction that was used against me +by a clerical chairman in a quiet spot in the south of England: + +"Not so long ago, ladies and gentlemen," said the vicar, "we used to +send out to Canada various classes of our community to help build up +that country. We sent out our labourers, we sent out our scholars and +professors. Indeed we even sent out our criminals. And now," with a +wave of his hand towards me, "they are coming back." + +There was no laughter. An English audience is nothing if not literal; +and they are as polite as they are literal. They understood that +I was a reformed criminal and as such they gave me a hearty burst +of applause. + +But there is just one thing that I would like to chronicle here in +favour of the chairman and in gratitude for his assistance. Even +at his worst he is far better than having no chairman at all. Over +in England a great many societies and public bodies have adopted +the plan of "cutting out the chairman." Wearying of his faults, +they have forgotten the reasons for his existence and undertaken +to do without him. + +The result is ghastly. The lecturer steps up. on to the platform +alone and unaccompanied. There is a feeble ripple of applause; he +makes his miserable bow and explains with as much enthusiasm as he +can who he is. The atmosphere of the thing is so cold that an 'Arctic +expedition isn't in it with it. I found also the further difficulty +that in the absence of the chairman very often the audience, or a +large part of it, doesn't know who the lecturer is. On many occasions +I received on appearing a wild burst of applause under the impression +that I was somebody else. I have been mistaken in this way for Mr. +Briand, then Prime Minister of France, for Charlie Chaplin, for Mrs. +Asquith,--but stop, I may get into a libel suit. All I mean is that +without a chairman "we celebrities" get terribly mixed up together. + +To one experience of my tour as a lecturer I shall always be able to +look back with satisfaction. I nearly had the pleasure of killing a +man with laughing: and this in the most literal sense. American +lecturers have often dreamed of doing this. I nearly did it. The man +in question was a comfortable apoplectic-looking man with the kind of +merry rubicund face that is seen in countries where they don't have +prohibition. He was seated near the back of the hall and was laughing +uproariously. All of a sudden I realised that something was +happening. The man had collapsed sideways on to the floor; a little +group of men gathered about him; they lifted him up and I could see +them carrying him out, a silent and inert mass. As in duty bound I +went right on with my lecture. But my heart beat high with +satisfaction. I was sure that I had killed him. The reader may judge +how high these hopes rose when a moment or two later a note was +handed to the chairman who then asked me to pause for a moment in my +lecture and stood up and asked, "Is there a doctor in the audience?" +A doctor rose and silently went out. The lecture continued; but there +was no more laughter; my aim had now become to kill another of them +and they knew it. They were aware that if they started laughing they +might die. In a few minutes a second note was handed to the chairman. +He announced very gravely, "A second doctor is wanted." The lecture +went on in deeper silence than ever. All the audience were waiting +for a third announcement. It came. A new message was handed to the +chairman. He rose and said, "If Mr. Murchison, the undertaker, is in +the audience, will he kindly step outside." + +That man, I regret to say, got well. + +Disappointing though it is to read it, he recovered. I sent back +next morning from London a telegram of enquiry (I did it in reality +so as to have a proper proof of his death) and received the answer, +"Patient doing well; is sitting up in bed and reading Lord Haldane's +Relativity; no danger of relapse." + + + +X.--Have the English any Sense of Humour? + +It was understood that the main object of my trip to England was +to find out whether the British people have any sense of humour. +No doubt the Geographical Society had this investigation in mind +in not paying my expenses. Certainly on my return I was at once +assailed with the question on all sides, "Have they got a sense of +humour? Even if it is only a rudimentary sense, have they got it +or have they not?" I propose therefore to address myself to the +answer to this question. + +A peculiar interest always attaches to humour. There is no quality of +the human mind about which its possessor is more sensitive than the +sense of humour. A man will freely confess that he has no ear for +music, or no taste for fiction, or even no interest in religion. But +I have yet to see the man who announces that he has no sense of +humour. In point of fact, every man is apt to think himself possessed +of an exceptional gift in this direction, and that even if his humour +does not express itself in the power either to make a joke or to +laugh at one, it none the less consists in a peculiar insight or +inner light superior to that of other people. + +The same thing is true of nations. Each thinks its own humour of +an entirely superior kind, and either refuses to admit, or admits +reluctantly, the humorous quality of other peoples. The Englishman +may credit the Frenchman with a certain light effervescence of mind +which he neither emulates nor envies; the Frenchman may acknowledge +that English literature shows here and there a sort of heavy +playfulness; but neither of them would consider that the humour of +the other nation could stand a moment's comparison with his own. + +Yet, oddly enough, American humour stands as a conspicuous exception +to this general rule. A certain vogue clings to it. Ever since the +spacious days of Artemus Ward and Mark Twain it has enjoyed an +extraordinary reputation, and this not only on our own continent, +but in England. It was in a sense the English who "discovered" Mark +Twain; I mean it was they who first clearly recognised him as a +man of letters of the foremost rank, at a time when academic Boston +still tried to explain him away as a mere comic man of the West. +In the same way Artemus Ward is still held in affectionate remembrance +in London, and, of the later generation, Mr. Dooley at least is a +household word. + +This is so much the case that a sort of legend has grown around +American humour. It is presumed to be a superior article and to +enjoy the same kind of pre-eminence as French cooking, the Russian +ballet, and Italian organ grinding. With this goes the converse +supposition that the British people are inferior in humour, that +a joke reaches them only with great difficulty, and that a British +audience listens to humour in gloomy and unintelligent silence. +Peoplc still love to repeat the famous story of how John +Bright listened attentively to Artemus Ward's lecture in London +and then said, gravely, that he "doubted many of the young man's +statements"; and readers still remember Mark Twain's famous parody +of the discussion of his book by a wooden-headed reviewer of an +English review. + +But the legend in reality is only a legend. If the English are +inferior to Americans in humour, I, for one, am at a loss to see +where it comes in. If there is anything on our continent superior +in humour to Punch I should like to see it. If we have any more +humorous writers in our midst than E. V. Lucas and Charles Graves +and Owen Seaman I should like to read what they write; and if there +is any audience capable of more laughter and more generous +appreciation than an audience in London, or Bristol, or Aberdeen, +I should like to lecture to it. + +During my voyage of discovery in Great Britain I had very exceptional +opportunities for testing the truth of these comparisons. It was my +good fortune to appear as an avowed humourist in all the great +British cities. I lectured as far north as Aberdeen and as far south +as Brighton and Bournemouth; I travelled eastward to Ipswich and +westward into Wales. I spoke on serious subjects, but with a joke or +two in loco, at the universities, at business gatherings, and at +London dinners; I watched, lost in admiration, the inspired merriment +of the Savages of Adelphi Terrace, and in my moments of leisure I +observed, with a scientific eye, the gaieties of the London revues. +As a result of which I say with conviction that, speaking by and +large, the two communities are on the same level. A Harvard audience, +as I have reason gratefully to acknowledge, is wonderful. But an +Oxford audience is just as good. A gathering of business men in a +textile town in the Midlands is just as heavy as a gathering of +business men in Decatur, Indiana, but no heavier; and an audience of +English schoolboys as at Rugby or at Clifton is capable of a wild and +sustained merriment not to be outdone from Halifax to Los Angeles. + +There is, however, one vital difference between American and English +audiences which would be apt to discourage at the outset any American +lecturer who might go to England. The English audiences, from the +nature of the way in which they have been brought together, expect +more. In England they still associate lectures with information. We +don't. Our American lecture audiences are, in nine cases out of ten, +organised by a woman's club of some kind and drawn not from the +working class, but from--what shall we call it?--the class that +doesn't have to work, or, at any rate, not too hard. It is largely a +social audience, well educated without being "highbrow," and tolerant +and kindly to a degree. In fact, what the people mainly want is to +see the lecturer. They have heard all about G. K. Chesterton and +Hugh Walpole and John Drinkwater, and so when these gentlemen come to +town the woman's club want to have a look at them, just as the +English people, who are all crazy about animals, flock to the zoo to +look at a new giraffe. They don't expect the giraffe to do anything +in particular. They want to see it, that's all. So with the American +woman's club audience. After they have seen Mr. Chesterton they ask +one another as they come out--just as an incidental matter--"Did you +understand his lecture?" and the answer is, "I can't say I did." But +there is no malice about it. They can now go and say that they have +seen Mr. Chesterton; that's worth two dollars in itself. The nearest +thing to this attitude of mind that I heard of in England was at the +City Temple in London, where they have every week a huge gathering of +about two thousand people, to listen to a (so-called) popular +lecture. When I was there I was told that the person who had preceded +me was Lord Haldane, who had lectured on Einstein's Theory of +Relativity. I said to the chairman, "Surely this kind of audience +couldn't understand a lecture like that!" He shook his head. "No," he +said, "they didn't understand it, but they all enjoyed it." + +I don't mean to imply by what I said above that American lecture +audiences do not appreciate good things or that the English lecturers +who come to this continent are all giraffes. On the contrary: when +the audience finds that Chesterton and Walpole and Drinkwater, in +addition to being visible, are also singularly interesting lecturers, +they are all the better pleased. But this doesn't alter the fact that +they have come primarily to see the lecturer. + +Not so in England. Here a lecture (outside London) is organised on a +much sterner footing. The people are there for information. The +lecture is organised not by idle, amiable, charming women, but by a +body called, with variations, the Philosophical Society. From +experience I should define an English Philosophical Society as all +the people in town who don't know anything about philosophy. The +academic and university classes are never there. The audience is only +of plainer folk. In the United States and Canada at any evening +lecture a large sprinkling of the audience are in evening dress. At +an English lecture (outside of London) none of them are; philosophy +is not to be wooed in such a garb. Nor are there the same commodious +premises, the same bright lights, and the same atmosphere of gaiety +as at a society lecture in America. On the contrary, the setting is a +gloomy one. In England, in winter, night begins at four in the +afternoon. In the manufacturing towns of the Midlands and the north +(which is where the philosophical societies flourish) there is always +a drizzling rain and wet slop underfoot, a bedraggled poverty in the +streets, and a dimness of lights that contrasts with the glare of +light in an American town. There is no visible sign in the town that +a lecture is to happen, no placards, no advertisements, nothing. The +lecturer is conducted by a chairman through a side door in a dingy +building (The Institute, established 1840), and then all of a sudden +in a huge, dim hall--there sits the Philosophical Society. There are +a thousand of them, but they sit as quiet as a prayer meeting. They +are waiting to be fed--on information. + +Now I don't mean to say that the Philosophical Society are not a good +audience. In their own way they're all right. Once the Philosophical +Society has decided that a lecture is humorous they do not stint +their laughter. I have had many times the satisfaction of seeing a +Philosophical Society swept away from its moorings and tossing in a +sea of laughter, as generous and as whole-hearted as anything we ever +see in America. + +But they are not so willing to begin. With us the chairman has only +to say to the gaily dressed members of the Ladies' Fortnightly +Club, "Well, ladies, I'm sure we are all looking forward very much +to Mr. Walpole's lecture," and at once there is a ripple of applause, +and a responsive expression on a hundred charming faces. + +Not so the Philosophical Society of the Midlands. The chairman rises. +He doesn't call for silence. It is there, thick. "We have with us +to-night," he says, "a man whose name is well known to the +Philosophical Society" (here he looks at his card), "Mr. Stephen +Leacock." (Complete silence.) "He is a professor of political economy +at--" Here he turns to me and says, "Which college did you say?" I +answer quite audibly in the silence, "At McGill." "He is at McGill," +says the chairman. (More silence.) "I don't suppose, however, ladies +and gentlemen, that he's come here to talk about political economy." +This is meant as a jest, but the audience takes it as a threat. +"However, ladies and gentlemen, you haven't come here to listen to +me" (this evokes applause, the first of the evening), "so without +more ado" (the man always has the impression that there's been a lot +of "ado," but I never see any of it) "I'll now introduce Mr. +Leacock." (Complete silence.) + +Nothing of which means the least harm. It only implies that the +Philosophical Society are true philosophers in accepting nothing +unproved. They are like the man from Missouri. They want to be shown. +And undoubtedly it takes a little time, therefore, to rouse them. I +remember listening with great interest to Sir Michael Sadler, who is +possessed of a very neat wit, introducing me at Leeds. He threw three +jokes, one after the other, into the heart of a huge, silent audience +without effect. He might as well have thrown soap bubbles. But the +fourth joke broke fair and square like a bomb in the middle of the +Philosophical Society and exploded them into convulsions. The process +is very like what artillery men tell of "bracketing" the object fired +at, and then landing fairly on it. + +In what I have just written about audiences I have purposely been +using the word English and not British, for it does not in the +least apply to the Scotch. There is, for a humorous lecturer, no +better audience in the world than a Scotch audience. The old standing +joke about the Scotch sense of humour is mere nonsense. Yet one +finds it everywhere. + +"So you're going to try to take humour up to Scotland," the most +eminent author in England said to me. "Well, the Lord help you. +You'd better take an axe with you to open their skulls; there is +no other way." How this legend started I don't know, but I think +it is because the English are jealous of the Scotch. They got into +the Union with them in 1707 and they can't get out. The Scotch +don't want Home Rule, or Swa Raj, or Dominion status, or anything; +they just want the English. When they want money they go to London +and make it; if they want literary fame they sell their books to +the English; and to prevent any kind of political trouble they take +care to keep the Cabinet well filled with Scotchmen. The English +for shame's sake can't get out of the Union, so they retaliate by +saying that the Scotch have no sense of humour. But there's nothing +in it. One has only to ask any of the theatrical people and they +will tell you that the audiences in Glasgow and Edinburgh are the +best in the British Isles--possess the best taste and the best +ability to recognise what is really good. + +The reason for this lies, I think, in the well-known fact that the +Scotch are a truly educated people, not educated in the mere sense +of having been made to go to school, but in the higher sense of +having acquired an interest in books and a respect for learning. +In England the higher classes alone possess this, the working class +as a whole know nothing of it. But in Scotland the attitude is +universal. And the more I reflect upon the subject, the more I +believe that what counts most in the appreciation of humour is not +nationality, but the degree of education enjoyed by the individual +concerned. I do not think that there is any doubt that educated +people possess a far wider range of humour than the uneducated +class. Some people, of course, get overeducated and become hopelessly +academic. The word "highbrow" has been invented exactly to fit the +case. The sense of humour in the highbrow has become atrophied, +or, to vary the metaphor, it is submerged or buried under the +accumulated strata of his education, on the top soil of which +flourishes a fine growth of conceit. But even in the highbrow the +educated appreciation of humour is there--away down. Generally, if +one attempts to amuse a highbrow he will resent it as if the process +were beneath him; or perhaps the intellectual jealousy and touchiness +with which he is always overcharged will lead him to retaliate with +a pointless story from Plato. But if the highbrow is right off his +guard and has no jealousy in his mind, you may find him roaring +with laughter and wiping his spectacles, with his sides shaking, +and see him converted as by magic into the merry, clever little +school-boy that he was thirty years ago, before his education +ossified him. + +But with the illiterate and the rustic no such process is possible. +His sense of humour may be there as a sense, but the mechanism for +setting it in operation is limited and rudimentary. Only the broadest +and most elementary forms of joke can reach him. The magnificent +mechanism of the art of words is, quite literally, a sealed book +to him. Here and there, indeed, a form of fun is found so elementary +in its nature and yet so excellent in execution that it appeals to +all alike, to the illiterate and to the highbrow, to the peasant +and the professor. Such, for example, are the antics of Mr. Charles +Chaplin or the depiction of Mr. Jiggs by the pencil of George +McManus. But such cases are rare. As a rule the cheap fun that +excites the rustic to laughter is execrable to the man of education. + +In the light of what I have said before it follows that the +individuals that are findable in every English or American audience +are much the same. All those who lecture or act are well aware that +there are certain types of people that are always to be seen +somewhere in the hall. Some of these belong to the general class of +discouraging people. They listen in stolid silence. No light of +intelligence ever gleams on their faces; no response comes from their +eyes. + +I find, for example, that wherever I go there is always seated in the +audience, about three seats from the front, a silent man with a big +motionless face like a melon. He is always there. I have seen that +man in every town or city from Richmond, Indiana, to Bournemouth in +Hampshire. He haunts me. I get to expect him. I feel like nodding to +him from the platform. And I find that all other lecturers have the +same experience. Wherever they go the man with the big face is always +there. He never laughs; no matter if the people all round him are +convulsed with laughter, he sits there like a rock--or, no, like a +toad--immovable. What he thinks I don't know. Why he comes to +lectures I cannot guess. Once, and once only, I spoke to him, or, +rather, he spoke to me. I was coming out from the lecture and found +myself close to him in the corridor. It had been a rather gloomy +evening; the audience had hardly laughed at all; and I know nothing +sadder than a humorous lecture without laughter. The man with the big +face, finding himself beside me, turned and said, "Some of them +people weren't getting that to-night." His tone of sympathy seemed to +imply that he had got it all himself; if so, he must have swallowed +it whole without a sign. But I have since thought that this man with +the big face may have his own internal form of appreciation. This +much, however, I know: to look at him from the platform is fatal. One +sustained look into his big, motionless face and the lecturer would +be lost; inspiration would die upon one's lips--the basilisk isn't in +it with him. + +Personally, I no sooner see the man with the big face than +instinctively I turn my eyes away. I look round the hall for another +man that I know is always there, the opposite type, the little man +with the spectacles. There he sits, good soul, about twelve rows +back, his large spectacles beaming with appreciation and his quick +face anticipating every point. I imagine him to be by trade a minor +journalist or himself a writer of sorts, but with not enough of +success to have spoiled him. + +There are other people always there, too. There is the old lady who +thinks the lecture improper; it doesn't matter how moral it is, she's +out for impropriety and she can find it anywhere. Then there is +another very terrible man against whom all American lecturers in +England should be warned--the man who is leaving on the 9 P.M. train. +English railways running into suburbs and near-by towns have a +schedule which is expressly arranged to have the principal train +leave before the lecture ends. Hence the 9-P.M.-train man. He sits +right near the front, and at ten minutes to nine he gathers up his +hat, coat, and umbrella very deliberately, rises with great calm, and +walks firmly away. His air is that of a man who has stood all that he +can and can bear no more. Till one knows about this man, and the +others who rise after him, it is very disconcerting; at first I +thought I must have said something to reflect upon the royal family. +But presently the lecturer gets to understand that it is only the +nine-o'clock train and that all the audience know about it. Then it's +all right. It's just like the people rising and stretching themselves +after the seventh innings in baseball. + +In all that goes above I have been emphasising the fact that the +British and the American sense of humour are essentially the same +thing. But there are, of course, peculiar differences of form and +peculiar preferences of material that often make them seem to +diverge widely. + +By this I mean that each community has, within limits, its own +particular ways of being funny and its own particular conception +of a joke. Thus, a Scotchman likes best a joke which he has all to +himself or which he shares reluctantly with a few; the thing is +too rich to distribute. The American loves particularly as his line +of joke an anecdote with +the point all concentrated at the end and exploding in a phrase. +The Englishman loves best as his joke the narration of something +that actually did happen and that depends, of course; for its point +on its reality. + +There are plenty of minor differences, too, in point of mere form, +and very naturally each community finds the particular form used +by the others less pleasing than its own. In fact, for this very +reason each people is apt to think its own humour the best. + +Thus, on our side of the Atlantic, to cite our own faults first, we +still cling to the supposed humour of bad spelling. We have, indeed, +told ourselves a thousand times over that bad spelling is not funny, +but is very tiresome. Yet it is no sooner laid aside and buried than +it gets resurrected. I suppose the real reason is that it is funny, +at least to our eyes. When Bill Nye spells wife with "yph" we can't +help being amused. Now Bill Nye's bad spelling had absolutely no +point to it except its oddity. At times it was extremely funny, but +as a mode it led easily to widespread and pointless imitation. It was +the kind of thing--like poetry--that anybody can do badly. It was +most deservedly abandoned with execration. No American editor would +print it to-day. But witness the new and excellent effect produced +with bad spelling by Mr. Ring W. Lardner. Here, however, the case is +altered; it is not the falseness of Mr. Lardner's spelling that is +the amusing feature of it, but the truth of it. When he writes, "dear +friend, Al, I would of rote sooner," etc., he is truer to actual +sound and intonation than the lexicon. The mode is excellent. But +the imitations will soon debase it into such bad coin that it will +fail to pass current. In England, however, the humour of bad spelling +does not and has never, I believe, flourished. Bad spelling is only +used in England as an attempt to reproduce phonetically a dialect; it +is not intended that the spelling itself should be thought funny, but +the dialect that it represents. But the effect, on the whole, is +tiresome. A little dose of the humour of Lancashire or Somerset or +Yorkshire pronunciation may be all right, but a whole page of it +looks like the gibbering of chimpanzees set down on paper. + +In America also we run perpetually to the (supposed) humour of +slang, a form not used in England. If we were to analyse what we +mean by slang I think it would be found to consist of the introduction +of new metaphors or new forms of language of a metaphorical character, +strained almost to the breaking point. Sometimes we do it with a +single word. When some genius discovers that a "hat" is really only +"a lid" placed on top of a human being, straightway the word "lid" +goes rippling over the continent. Similarly a woman becomes a +"skirt," and so on ad infinitum. + +These words presently either disappear or else retain a permanent +place, being slang no longer. No doubt half our words, if not all of +them, were once slang. Even within our own memory we can see the +whole process carried through; "cinch" once sounded funny; it is now +standard American-English. But other slang is made up of descriptive +phrases. At the best, these slang phrases are--at least we think they +are--extremely funny. But they are funniest when newly coined, and it +takes a master hand to coin them well. For a supreme example of wild +vagaries of language used for humour, one might take O. Henry's +"Gentle Grafter." But here the imitation is as easy as it is +tiresome. The invention of pointless slang phrases without real +suggestion or merit is one of our most familiar forms of factory-made +humour. Now the English people are apt to turn away from the whole +field of slang. In the first place it puzzles them--they don't know +whether each particular word or phrase is a sort of idiom already +known to Americans, or something (as with O. Henry) never said +before and to be analysed for its own sake. The result is that with +the English public the great mass of American slang writing (genius +apart) doesn't go. I have even found English people of undoubted +literary taste repelled from such a master as O. Henry (now read by +millions in England) because at first sight they get the impression +that it is "all American slang." + +Another point in which American humour, or at least the form which +it takes, differs notably from British, is in the matter of story +telling. It was a great surprise to me the first time I went out +to a dinner party in London to find that my host did not open the +dinner by telling a funny story; that the guests did not then sit +silent trying to "think of another"; that some one did not presently +break silence by saying, "I heard a good one the other day,"--and +so forth. And I realised that in this respect English society is +luckier than ours. + +It is my candid opinion that no man ought to be allowed to tell a +funny story or anecdote without a license. We insist rightly enough +that every taxi-driver must have a license, and the same principle +should apply to anybody who proposes to act as a raconteur. Telling +a story is a difficult thing--quite as difficult as driving a taxi. +And the risks of failure and accident and the unfortunate consequences +of such to the public, if not exactly identical, are, at any rate, +analogous. + +This is a point of view not generally appreciated. A man is apt to +think that just because he has heard a good story he is able and +entitled to repeat it. He might as well undertake to do a snake +dance merely because he has seen Madame Pavlowa do one. The point +of a story is apt to lie in the telling, or at least to depend upon +it in a, high degree. Certain stories, it is true, depend so much +on the final point, or "nub," as we Americans call it, that they +are almost fool-proof. But even these can be made so prolix and +tiresome, can be so messed up with irrelevant detail, that the +general effect is utter weariness relieved by a kind of shock at +the end. Let me illustrate what I mean by a story with a "nub" or +point. I will take one of the best known, so as to make no claim +to originality--for example, the famous anecdote of the man who +wanted to be "put off at Buffalo." Here it is: + +A man entered a sleeping-car and said to the porter, "At what time +do we get to Buffalo?" The porter answered, "At half-past three in +the morning, sir." "All right," the man said; +"now I want to get off at Buffalo, and I want you to see that I +get off. I sleep heavily and I'm hard to rouse. But you just make +me wake up, don't mind what I say, don't pay attention if I kick +about it, just put me off, do you see?" "All right, sir," said the +porter. The man got into his berth and fell fast asleep. He never +woke or moved till it was broad daylight and the train was a hundred +miles beyond Buffalo. He called angrily to the porter, "See here, +you, didn't I tell you to put me off at Buffalo?" The porter looked +at him, aghast. "Well, I declare to goodness, boss!" he exclaimed; +"if it wasn't you, who was that man that I threw off this train at +half-past three at Buffalo?" + +Now this story is as nearly fool-proof as can be. And yet it is +amazing how badly it can be messed up by a person with a special +gift for mangling a story. He does it something after this fashion: + +"There was a fellow got on the train one night and he had a berth +reserved for Buffalo; at least the way I heard it, it was Buffalo, +though I guess, as a matter of fact, you might tell it on any other +town just as well--or no, I guess he didn't have his berth reserved, +he got on the train and asked the porter for a reservation for +Buffalo--or, anyway, that part doesn't matter--say that he had a +berth for Buffalo or any other place, and the porter came through and +said, 'Do you want an early call?'--or no, he went to the +porter--that was it--and said--" + +But stop. The rest of the story becomes a mere painful waiting for +the end. + +Of course the higher type of funny story is the one that depends +for its amusing quality not on the final point, or not solely on +it, but on the wording and the narration all through. This is the +way in which a story is told by a comedian or a person who is a +raconteur in the real sense. When Sir Harry Lauder narrates an +incident, the telling of it is funny from beginning to end. When +some lesser person tries to repeat it afterwards, there is nothing +left but the final point. The rest is weariness. + +As a consequence most story-tellers are driven to telling stories +that depend on the point or "nub" and not on the narration. The +storyteller gathers these up till he is equipped with a sort of +little repertory of fun by which he hopes to surround himself with +social charm. In America especially (by which I mean here the United +States and Canada, but not Mexico) we suffer from the story-telling +habit. As far as I am able to judge, English society is not pervaded +and damaged by the story-telling habit as much as is society in the +United States and Canada. On our side of the Atlantic story-telling +at dinners and on every other social occasion has become a curse. In +every phase of social and intellectual life one is haunted by the +funny anecdote. Any one who has ever attended a Canadian or American +banquet will recall the solemn way in which the chairman rises and +says: "Gentlemen, it is to me a very great pleasure and a very great +honour to preside at this annual dinner. There was an old darky +once--" and so forth. When he concludes he says, "I will now call +upon the Rev. Dr. Stooge, Head of the Provincial University, Haroe +English Any Sense of Humour? to propose the toast 'Our Dominion.'" +Dr. Stooge rises amid great applause and with great solemnity begins, +"There were once two Irishmen--" and so on to the end. But in London, +England, it is apparently not so. Not long ago I had the pleasure of +meeting at dinner a member of the Government. I fully anticipated +that as a member of the Government he would be expected to tell a +funny story about an old darky, just as he would on our side of the +water. In fact, I should have supposed that he could hardly get into +the Government unless he did tell a funny story of some sort. But all +through dinner the Cabinet Minister never said a word about either a +Methodist minister, or a commercial traveller, or an old darky, or +two Irishmen, or any of the stock characters of the American +repertory. On another occasion I dined with a bishop of the Church. I +expected that when the soup came he would say, "There was an old +darky--" After which I should have had to listen with rapt attention, +and, when he had finished, without any pause, rejoin, "There were a +couple of Irishmen once--" and so on. But the bishop never said a +word of the sort. + +I can further, for the sake of my fellow-men in Canada and the +United States who may think of going to England, vouchsafe the +following facts: If you meet a director of the Bank of England, he +does not say: "I am very glad to meet you. Sit down. There was a +mule in Arkansas once," etc. How they do their banking without that +mule I don't know. But they manage it. I can certify also that if +you meet the proprietor of a great newspaper he will not begin by +saying, "There was a Scotchman once." In fact, in England, you can +mingle freely in general society without being called upon either +to produce a funny story or to suffer from one. + +I don't mean to deny that the American funny story, in capable +hands, is amazingly funny and that it does brighten up human +intercourse. But the real trouble lies, not in the fun of the story, +but in the painful waiting for the point to come and in the strained +and anxious silence that succeeds it. Each person +around the dinner table is trying to "think of another." There is +a dreadful pause. The hostess puts up a prayer that some one may +"think of another." Then at last, to the relief of everybody, some +one says: "I heard a story the other day--I don't know whether +you've heard it--" And the grateful cries of "No! no! go ahead" +show how great the tension has been. + +Nine times out of ten the people have heard the story before; and +ten times out of nine the teller damages it in the telling. But +his hearers are grateful to him for having saved them from the +appalling mantle of silence and introspection which had fallen upon +the table. For the trouble is that when once two or three stories +have been told it seems to be a point of honour not to subside into +mere conversation. It seems rude, when a story-teller has at last +reached the triumphant ending and climax of the mule from Arkansas, +it seems impolite, to follow it up by saying, "I see that Germany +refuses to pay the indemnity." It can't be done. Either the mule +or the indemnity--one can't have both. + +The English, I say, have not developed the American custom of the +funny story as a form of social intercourse. But I do not mean to +say that they are sinless in this respect. As I see it, they hand +round in general conversation something nearly as bad in the form +of what one may call the literal anecdote or personal experience. +By this I refer to the habit of narrating some silly little event +that has actually happened to them or in their sight, which they +designate as "screamingly funny," and which was perhaps very funny +when it happened but which is not the least funny in the telling. +The American funny story is imaginary. It never happened. Somebody +presumably once made it up. It is fiction. Thus there must once +have been some great palpitating brain, some glowing imagination, +which invented the story of the man who was put off at Buffalo. +But the English "screamingly funny" story is not imaginary. It +really did happen. It is an actual personal experience. In short, +it is not fiction but history. + +I think--if one may say it with all respect--that in English society +girls and women are especially prone to narrate these personal +experiences as contributions to general merriment rather than the +men. The English girl has a sort of traditional idea of being +amusing; the English man cares less about it. He prefers facts to +fancy every time, and as a rule is free from that desire to pose as a +humourist which haunts the American mind. So it comes about that most +of the "screamingly funny" stories are told in English society by the +women. Thus the counterpart of "put me off at Buffalo" done into +English would be something like this: "We were so amused the other +night in the sleeping-car going to Buffalo. There was the most +amusing old negro making the beds, a perfect scream, you know, and he +kept insisting that if we wanted to get up at Buffalo we must all go +to bed at nine o'clock. He positively wouldn't let us sit up--I mean +to say it was killing the way he wanted to put us to bed. We all +roared !" + +Please note that roar at the end of the English personal anecdote. +It is the sign that indicates that the story is over. When you are +assured by the narrators that all the persons present "roared" or +"simply roared," then you can be quite sure that the humorous +incident is closed and that laughter is in place. + +Now, as a matter of fact, the scene with the darky porter may have +been, when it really happened, most amusing. But not a trace of it +gets over in the story. There is nothing but the bare assertion +that it was "screamingly funny" or "simply killing." But the English +are such an honest people that when they say this sort of thing +they believe one another and they laugh. + +But, after all, why should people insist on telling funny stories +at all? Why not be content to buy the works of some really first-class +humourist and read them aloud in proper humility of mind without +trying to emulate them? Either that or talk theology. + +On my own side of the Atlantic I often marvel at our extraordinary +tolerance and courtesy to one another in the matter of story-telling. +I have never seen a bad story-teller thrown forcibly out of the room +or even stopped and warned; we listen with the most wonderful +patience to the worst of narration. The story is always without any +interest except in the unknown point that will be brought in later. +But this, until it does come, is no more interesting than to-morrow's +breakfast. Yet for some reason or other we permit this story-telling +habit to invade and damage our whole social life. The English always +criticise this and think they are absolutely right. To my mind in +their social life they give the "funny story" its proper place and +room and no more. That is to say--if ten people draw their chairs in +to the dinner table and somebody really has just heard a story and +wants to tell it, there is no reason against it. If he says, "Oh, by +the way, I heard a good story to-day," it is just as if he said, "Oh, +by the way, I heard a piece of news about John Smith." It is quite +admissible as conversation. But he doesn't sit down to try to think, +along with nine other rival thinkers, of all the stories that he had +heard, and that makes all the difference. + +The Scotch, by the way, resemble us in liking to tell and hear +stories. But they have their own line. They like the stories to be +grim, dealing in a jocose way with death and funerals. The story +begins (will the reader kindly turn it into Scotch pronunciation +for himself), "There was a Sandy MacDonald had died and the wife +had the body all laid out for burial and dressed up very fine in +his best suit," etc. Now for me that beginning is enough. To me +that is not a story, but a tragedy. I am so sorry for Mrs. MacDonald +that I can't think of anything else. But I think the explanation +is that the Scotch are essentially such a devout people and live +so closely within the shadow of death itself that they may without +irreverence or pain jest where our lips would falter. Or else, +perhaps they don't care a cuss whether Sandy MacDonald died or not. +Take it either way. + +But I am tired of talking of our faults. Let me turn to the more +pleasing task of discussing those of the English. In the first +place, and as a minor matter of form, I think that English +humour suffers from the tolerance afforded to the pun. For some +reason English people find puns funny. We don't. Here and there, +no doubt, a pun may be made that for some exceptional reason becomes +a matter of genuine wit. But the great mass of the English puns +that disfigure the Press every week are mere pointless verbalisms +that to the American mind cause nothing but weariness. + +But even worse than the use of puns is the peculiar pedantry, not to +say priggishness, that haunts the English expression of humour. To +make a mistake in a Latin quotation or to stick on a wrong ending to +a Latin word is not really an amusing thing. To an ancient Roman, +perhaps, it might be. But then we are not ancient Romans; indeed, I +imagine that if an ancient Roman could be resurrected, all the Latin +that any of our classical scholars can command would be about +equivalent to the French of a cockney waiter on a Channel steamer. +Yet one finds even the immortal Punch citing recently as a very funny +thing a newspaper misquotation of "urbis et orbis" instead of "urbi +et orbos," or the other way round. I forget which. Perhaps there was +some further point in it that I didn't see, but, anyway, it wasn't +funny. Neither is it funny if a person, instead of saying Archimedes, +says Archimeeds; why shouldn't it have been Archimeeds? The English +scale of values in these things is all wrong. Very few Englishmen can +pronounce Chicago properly and they think nothing of that. But if a +person mispronounces the name of a Greek village of what O. Henry +called "The Year B.C." it is supposed to be excruciatingly funny. + +I think in reality that this is only a part of the overdone +scholarship that haunts so much of English writing--not the best of +it, but a lot of it. It is too full of allusions and indirect +references to all sorts of extraneous facts. The English writer finds +it hard to say a plain thing in a plain way. He is too anxious to +show in every sentence what a fine scholar he is. He carries in his +mind an accumulated treasure of quotations, allusions, and scraps and +tags of history, and into this, like Jack Horner, he must needs +"stick in his thumb and pull out a plum." Instead of saying, "It is a +fine morning," he prefers to write, "This is a day of which one might +say with the melancholy Jacques, it is a fine morning." + +Hence it is that many plain American readers find English humour +"highbrow." Just as the English are apt to find our humour "slangy" +and "cheap," so we find theirs academic and heavy. But the difference, +after all, is of far less moment than might be supposed. It lies +only on the surface. Fundamentally, as I said in starting, the +humour of the two peoples is of the same kind and on an equal level. + +There is one form of humour which the English have more or less to +themselves, nor do I envy it to them. I mean the merriment that they +appear able to draw out of the criminal courts. To me a criminal +court is a place of horror, and a murder trial the last word in human +tragedy. The English criminal courts I know only from the newspapers +and ask no nearer acquaintance. But according to the newspapers the +courts, especially when a murder case is on, are enlivened by flashes +of judicial and legal humour that seem to meet with general approval. +The current reports in the Press run like this: + +"The prisoner, who is being tried on a charge of having burned his +wife to death in a furnace, was placed in the dock and gave his name +as Evans. Did he say 'Evans or Ovens?' asked Mr. Justice Blank. The +court broke into a roar, in which all joined but the prisoner. . . ." +Or take this: "How many years did you say you served the last time?" +asked the judge. "Three," said the prisoner. "Well, twice three is +six," said the judge, laughing till his sides shook; "so I'll give +you six years." + +I don't say that those are literal examples of the humour of the +criminal court. But they are close to it. For a judge to joke is +as easy as it is for a schoolmaster to joke in his class. His +unhappy audience has no choice but laughter. No doubt in point of +intellect the English judges and the bar represent the most highly +trained product of the British Empire. But when it comes to fun, +they ought not to pit themselves against the unhappy prisoner. + +Why not take a man of their own size? For true amusement Mr. Charles +Chaplin or Mr. Leslie Henson could give them sixty in a hundred. +I even think I could myself. + +One final judgment, however, might with due caution be hazarded. +I do not think that, on the whole, the English are quite as fond +of humour as we are. I mean they are not so willing to welcome at +all times the humorous point of view as we are in America. The +English are a serious people, with many serious things to think +of--football, horse racing, dogs, fish, and many other concerns +that demand much national thought: they have so many national +preoccupations of this kind that they have less need for jokes than +we have. They have higher things to talk about, whereas on our side +of the water, except when the World's Series is being played, we +have few, if any, truly national topics. + +And yet I know that many people in England would exactly reverse this +last judgment and say that the Americans are a desperately serious +people. That in a sense is true. Any American who takes up with an +idea such as New Thought, Psychoanalysis or Eating Sawdust, or any +"uplift" of the kind becomes desperately lopsided in his seriousness, +and as a very large number of us cultivate New Thought, or practise +breathing exercises, or eat sawdust, no doubt the English visitors +think us a desperate lot. + +Anyway, it's an ill business to criticise another people's +shortcomings. What I said at the start was that the British are +just as humorous as are the Americans, or the Canadians, or any of +us across the Atlantic, and for greater Certainty I repeat it at +the end. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext My Discovery of England, by Stephen Leacock + diff --git a/old/mdscv10.zip b/old/mdscv10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6b8c010 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mdscv10.zip |