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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Railway Book, edited by J. A. Hammerton
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch's Railway Book
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: PHIL MAY,
+             GEORGE DU MAURIER,
+             CHARLES KEENE,
+             JOHN LEECH,
+             SIR JOHN TENNIEL,
+             E. T. REED,
+             L. RAVENHILL,
+             J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
+             REGINALD CLEAVER,
+             AND MANY OTHER HUMOROUS ARTISTS
+
+Release Date: January 21, 2011 [EBook #35027]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "READING BETWEEN THE LINES"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK
+
+_WITH 160 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+BY PHIL MAY,
+GEORGE DU MAURIER,
+CHARLES KEENE,
+JOHN LEECH,
+SIR JOHN TENNIEL,
+E. T. REED,
+L. RAVENHILL,
+J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
+REGINALD CLEAVER,
+AND MANY OTHER HUMOROUS ARTISTS
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY
+LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS
+SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+IRISH HUMOUR
+COCKNEY HUMOUR
+IN SOCIETY
+AFTER DINNER STORIES
+IN BOHEMIA
+AT THE PLAY
+MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+ON THE CONTINONG
+RAILWAY BOOK
+AT THE SEASIDE
+MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+WITH ROD AND GUN
+MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+BOOK OF SPORTS
+GOLF STORIES
+IN WIG AND GOWN
+ON THE WARPATH
+BOOK OF LOVE
+WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WORD AT STARTING
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ONLY a few years before MR. PUNCH began his long and brilliant career
+had passenger trains and a regular system of railway travelling come
+into existence. In his early days it was still very much of a novelty to
+undertake a journey of any length by train; a delightful uncertainty
+prevailed not only as to the arrival at a given destination, but equally
+as to getting away from a starting-place. Naturally, the pens and
+pencils of his clever contributors were then frequently in use to
+illustrate the humours of railway travel, and even down to the present
+time MR. PUNCH has not failed to find in the railway and its
+associations "a source of innocent merriment."
+
+It must be admitted that some thirty years ago the pages of PUNCH
+literally teemed with biting satires on the management of our railways,
+and the fact that his whole-hearted denunciations of the inefficient
+service, the carelessness which resulted in frequent accidents, the
+excessive charges, the inadequate accommodation, could have been allowed
+to pass without numerous actions for libel, is proof of the enormous
+advantages which the present generation enjoys in this great matter of
+comfortable, rapid and inexpensive transit. Where MR. PUNCH in his
+wrath, as voicing the opinion of the public, was wont to ridicule and
+condemn the railways and all associated therewith, we to-day are as
+ready, and with equal reason, to raise our voice in praise. But ridicule
+is ever a stronger impulse to wit than is appreciation, and in these
+later days when we are all alive to the abounding merits of our railway
+system MR. PUNCH has had less to say about it. If we were to cull from
+his pages written in the days of his wrath we might be held guilty of
+presenting a gross travesty of the conditions now obtaining. Thus it is
+that in one or two cases only have we retained passages from his earlier
+chronicles, such as "Rules for the Rail" and "The Third-Class
+Traveller's Petition," which have some historical value as reminders
+that the railway comfort of the present day presents a remarkable
+contrast to the not very distant past.
+
+To-day every member of the community may be regarded as a railway
+traveller, so large a part does the railway play in modern life; and it
+will be admitted that, with all our improvements, the element of humour
+has not been eliminated from our comings and goings by train. We trust
+it never may. Here, then, is a compilation of the "best things,"
+literary and pictorial, that have appeared in MR. PUNCH'S pages on the
+subject, and with his cheery presence as our guard, let us set forth
+upon our excursion into the Realm of Fun!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK
+
+RAILWAY JOKES
+
+_As Played Daily on the Principal Lines_
+
+_Turning Business into Pleasure._--Take a traveller pressed for time,
+and induce him to enter a train supposed to be in correspondence with
+another train belonging to another line, and by which other train the
+traveller proposes to proceed to his destination. As the first train
+arrives at the junction, start off the second train _en route_ for Town.
+The dismay of the traveller when he finds his journey interrupted will
+be, to say the least, most mirth-moving.
+
+_The Panic-stricken Passengers._--Allow an express train to arrive at
+the station of a rival company two hours behind its time. The travellers
+will, of course, be anxious to learn the cause of the delay, and will
+(again of course) receive no sort of information on the subject from
+the servants of the rival company. Should there be any nervous ladies in
+the train, the fun will become fast and furious.
+
+_A Lark in the Dark._--Start a train ten minutes late, and gradually
+lose time until it arrives in the middle of a long tunnel, and then stop
+the engine. Stay where you are for half an hour, whistling and letting
+off steam every now and then, to increase the excitement. Should it be
+known in the train that an express is due on the line of rails already
+occupied by the carriages, the humour of the situation will be greatly
+improved. Before playing this joke, it will be as well to lock the
+carriage-doors, and to carefully sever the cord of communication
+existing (on some lines) between the passengers and the guard.
+
+_A Comical Meal._--On a long journey promise that the train shall stop
+at a stated station ten minutes for refreshments. Lose time in the
+customary manner, and allow the train to arrive at the stated station
+half an hour late. Permit the passengers to descend and to enter the
+refreshment-rooms. The moment they are served, drive them back hurriedly
+into the carriages with the threat that if they are not immediately
+seated in their places they will be left behind. When the passengers are
+once more in their compartments, the carriage-doors should be securely
+locked, and the train can then remain waiting beside the platform for
+three-quarters of an hour.
+
+_The Strange Companions._--Invite ladies and gentlemen to travel in a
+first-class carriage. When the compartment is a third full, over-fill it
+with "merry" excursionists holding third-class tickets. The contrast
+between the "merriment" of the excursionists and the disgust of the
+ladies and gentlemen will be found a source of never-ending amusement.
+
+_A Wholesome Joke (added by Mr. Punch and suggested to the
+Passengers)._--Whenever you find yourselves subjected to the "fun" of
+the railway officials, write to the newspapers and obtain a summons
+against the directors of the company which you believe to be in fault.
+_Verb. sap._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Half third return to Brixton, please."
+
+"Half! What's your age?"
+
+"I'm thirteen at home; but I'm only nine and a half on railways."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Friend (to minor rail official at provincial station)_
+"'Ullo Cocky, where 'ave you been all this time?"
+
+_Minor R.O. (with dignity)._ "Oh I had to go up on duty for the Naval
+Review at Spit'ead, I 'ad."
+
+_Friend (impressed)._ "Ah! Fine sight I expect it wur?" _Minor R.O._
+"Well, I can't say as I _saw much of it. I war taking the tickets at
+Vaux'all!"_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EXCITING TIME
+
+Poor Jones is convinced that his worst fears are at last realised, and
+he is left alone with a _dangerous lunatic!!_ (It was only little
+Wobbles running anxiously over the points of his coming speech to the
+electors of Plumpwell-on-Tyme!!)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN
+
+SCENE--_A third-class carriage._ TIME--_Three hours before the next
+station._ DRAMATIS PERSONÆ--_Jones and Robinson._
+
+"It's the _last!_--and it's a Tändstickor. It'll only strike on the
+box!"
+
+"Strike it on the box, then;--but for Heaven's sake, be careful!"
+
+"Yes; but, like a fool, I've just pitched the box out of window!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.
+
+_Passenger (in second class)._ "I think I've got into the wrong
+carriage."
+
+_Ticket Inspector (sternly)._ "The difference must be paid!"
+
+_Passenger (triumphantly)._ "Oh, just so! Then I'll trouble you for
+three shillings--I've a first-class ticket!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A REMINDER
+
+_Old Lady._ "Now, porter, you're quite sure you've put all my luggage
+in?--the big portmantle and----"
+
+_Porter._ "All right, mum."
+
+_Old Lady._ "And you're certain I've not left anything behind----"
+
+_Porter._ "No, mum, not even a copper!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOTES OF TRAVEL
+
+_The Cunard "Special" full speed for London_
+
+_John Bull (of the World in general)._ "There is nothing to be alarmed
+at. Surely your American trains go much faster than this?"
+
+_Jonathan (from the West in particular)._ "Why, yaas. But 'tain't that.
+I'm afeard it'll run off your darned little island!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Impatient Traveller._ "Er--how long will the next train
+be, portah?"
+
+_Porter._ "Heaw long? Weel, sir ah dunno heaw ah con saay to hauf an
+inch. Happen there'll be fower or five co-aches an' a engine or soa."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LEVEL CROSSING
+
+"Are there no more trains this evening on the up line, porter?"
+
+"No, mum."
+
+"And no more trains on the down line?"
+
+"No, mum."
+
+"Is there no _special_ train?"
+
+"No, mum."
+
+"Nor an _excursion_ train?"
+
+"No, mum. The gates are to for the rest of the evening."
+
+"You're quite sure?"
+
+"Yes, mum."
+
+"Then come, Amelia. We can cross the line!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Maid._ "Is this a smoking compartment, young man?"
+
+_Obliging Passenger._ "No, mum. 'Igher up!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MISSING SPINSTER
+
+  You may boast your great improvements,
+  Your inventions and your "movements,"
+    For those who stay at home, and those who travel;
+  But arrangements for the latter
+  Are so complex, that the matter
+  Makes them dotty as a hatter
+                  To unravel.
+
+  There was once an ancient lady
+  Whom we knew as Miss O'Grady,
+    Who was asked to spend the autumn down at Trew.
+  So in fear and trepidation
+  She sought out her destination,
+  And betook her to the station--
+                  Waterloo.
+
+  She took her little ticket
+  And she did not fail to stick it
+    With half-a-dozen coppers in her glove.
+  Another moment found her
+  With a plenty to astound her--
+  For she'd notice-boards all round her,
+                  And above!
+
+  So she studied every number
+  On those sign-posts that encumber
+    All the station; and she learned them one by one;
+  But she found the indication
+  Of the platforms of the station
+  Not much use as information
+                  When she'd done.
+
+  In her shocking state of fluster
+  Little courage could she muster,
+    Yet of porters she accosted one or two;
+  But, too shy to claim attention,
+  And too full of apprehension,
+  She could get no one to mention
+                  "Which for Trew."
+
+  So she trudged through every station--
+  "North," "South," "Main,"--in quick rotation,
+    And then she gave a trial to the "Loop";
+  Like some hapless new Pandora
+  She sat down a-gasping for a
+  Little hope to live on--or a
+                  Plate o' soup.
+
+           * * * * *
+
+  'Mid the bustle and the hissing
+  An old maiden lady's "Missing"--
+    In some corner of the complicated maze;
+  And round about she's gliding
+  In unwilling, hideous hiding,
+  On the platform, loop, or siding,
+                  In a craze.
+
+  And still they cannot find her,
+  For she leaves no trace behind her
+    At Vauxhall, Clapham Junction, Waterloo;
+  But she passes like a comet
+  With the myst'ry of Mahomet--
+  Her course unknown--and from it
+                  Not a clue!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MOST OFFENSIVE
+
+_Railway Porter._ "If you please, sir, was this your'n?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A RAILWAY COLLUSION--A HINT TO STATION-MASTERS
+
+_Porter._ "Now, then, Bill! are you off?"
+
+_Cab Ruffian._ "No; what sort of fare is it?"
+
+_Porter._ "Single gent, with small bag."
+
+_Ruffian._ "Oh, _he_ won't do! Can't yer find us a old lady and two
+little gals with lots o' boxes? I'm good for a pint!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHANGELINGS; OR, A STORY WITHOUT (POLITE) WORDS.
+
+"Them's the only dogs as come by this train, sir. The guard says as 'ow
+there was three sportin' dogs, as 'ad ate their label off, wot's gone on
+by the Scotch Express."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATHER 'CUTE.--_Small but Sharp Passenger._ "Look here! You didn't give
+me the right change just now!"
+
+_Clerk._ "Too late, sir! You should have spoken when you took your
+ticket!"
+
+_Passenger._ "_Should_ I? Well, it's of no consequence to me; but you
+gave me half-a-sovereign too much! Ta-ta!"     _[Exit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+SMOKING COMPARTMENT
+
+WAIT TILL THE TRAIN STOPS
+
+THIRD CLASS. TO SEAT SIX
+
+UNDERGROUND STUDIES]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAYS]
+
+_Stoker._ "Wery sorry to disturb yer at supper, ladies, but could yer
+oblige me with a scuttle o' coals for our engine, as we've run short of
+'em this journey?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REPARTEES FOR THE RAILWAY
+
+"No smoking allowed." Of course, but I am going to enjoy my cigar in
+silence.
+
+"Want the window closed." Very sorry, but I can't find a cathedral.
+
+"Find my journal a nuisance." Dear me! was under the impression it was a
+newspaper.
+
+"Allow you to pass." Afraid only the Secretary can manage that for you;
+he alone has power to issue free tickets.
+
+"Do I mind the draught?" Not when I am attending to the chessman.
+
+"Do I know the station?" Of the people on the platform? Probably lower
+middle class.
+
+"Is this right for Windsor?" Yes, if it's not left for somewhere else.
+
+"Are we allowed five minutes for lunch?" Think not; but you can have
+sandwiches at the counter.
+
+"Isn't this first-class?" Quite excellent--first-rate--couldn't be
+better!
+
+"I want to go second." Then you had better follow me.
+
+"I am third." Indeed! And who were first and second.
+
+"I think this must be London." Very likely, if it is, it mustn't be
+anywhere else.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY OF THE WHIRLED.--The rail-way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"VERY HARD LINES."--The railways.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RAILWAY AMALGAMATION--A PLEASANT STATE OF THINGS]
+
+_Passenger._ "What's the matter, guard?"
+
+_Guard (with presence of mind)._ "Oh, nothing particular, sir. We've
+only run into an excursion train!"
+
+_Passenger._ "But, good gracious! there's a train just behind us, isn't
+there?"
+
+_Guard._ "Yes, sir! But a boy has gone down the line with a signal; and
+it's very likely they'll see it!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES.
+
+The party that _never_ says, "Thank  |  The party that _always_ says,
+you!"                                |  "Thank you!"
+
+When you open the door, shut the window, or give up your seat for her.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE THIRD-CLASS TRAVELLER'S PETITION
+
+  (1845)
+
+  Pity the sorrows of a third-class man,
+    Whose trembling limbs with snow are whitened o'er,
+  Who for his fare has paid you all he can:
+    Cover him in, and let him freeze no more!
+
+  This dripping hat my roofless pen bespeaks,
+    So does the puddle reaching to my knees;
+  Behold my pinch'd red nose--my shrivell'd cheeks:
+    You should not have such carriages as these.
+
+  In vain I stamp to warm my aching feet,
+    I only paddle in a pool of slush;
+  My stiffen'd hands in vain I blow and beat;
+    Tears from my eyes congealing as they gush.
+
+  Keen blows the wind; the sleet comes pelting down,
+    And here I'm standing in the open air!
+  Long is my dreary journey up to Town,
+    That is, alive, if ever I get there.
+
+  Oh! from the weather, when it snows and rains,
+    You might as well, at least, defend the poor;
+  It would not cost you much, with all your gains:
+    Cover us in, and luck attend your store.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CAUTION
+
+No wonder Miss Lavinia Stitchwort thought the people very rude at the
+station when she went for her "water-proof" (which she had lost on the
+railway some time before). She found out when she got home she had not
+removed the "unclaimed property" label!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nervous Party._ "The train seems to be travelling at a
+fearful pace, ma'am."
+
+_Elderly Female._ "Yus, ain't it? My Bill's a-drivin' of the ingin, an'
+'e _can_ make 'er go when 'e's got a drop o' drink in 'im!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ORIGIN OF RAILWAYS.--The first idea of railways is of very ancient
+date, for we hear of the Great Norman line immediately after the
+Conquest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY NEWS.--There is an old lady who says, that she always likes to
+travel by a trunk line, because then she feels confidence about the
+safety of her luggage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"RAILWAY COUPLING."--When the porter marries the young lady in the
+refreshment department.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FIRST "BRADSHAW"
+
+A reminiscence of Whitsun Holidays in Ancient Egypt. From an old-time
+tabl(e)ature]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY REFORM.--Compartments to be reserved for ladies over and under a
+certain age.
+
+As there will invariably be compartments for those who smoke, so also
+for those who snuff. The former will be labelled as usual "for Smokers,"
+the latter "for Snuffers." The last-mentioned will be tried as far as
+Hampton Wick.
+
+The "Sleeping Cars" will be divided into "Snorers" and "Non-Snorers."
+Tickets will be issued subject to these regulations.
+
+It is important to the Shareholders to know that on and after the
+abolition of the Second Class, the motto of the Company will be "No
+Returns."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PLUTOCRAT.--_Swell._ "'Dyou oblige me--ah--by shutting your
+window?--ah----"
+
+_Second Passenger (politely)._ "Really, sir, if you will not press it,
+as yours is shut, the air is so warm I would rather keep this open. You
+seem to take great care of yourself, sir----"
+
+_Swell._ "Care of myself! Should wather think so. So would you, my dear
+fel-lah, if you'd six thousand a ye-ar!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SLOW TRAIN
+
+  On Southern lines the trains which crawl
+    Deliberately to and fro
+  Make life a burden; of them all
+    This is the slowest of the slow.
+  Impatiently condemned to bear
+    What is indeed an awful bore,
+  I've seemed to be imprisoned there
+                Three days, or more.
+
+  The angry passengers complain;
+    Of new electric cabs they talk.
+  They sit and swear at such a train,
+    And ask, "Shall we get out and walk?"
+  It's true the time seems extra long
+    When spent in such a wretched way,
+  My calculation may be wrong--
+                Three hours, say.
+
+  The other day I had to come
+    By this slow train, but facing me
+  Was no old buffer, dull and dumb;
+    I chatted with my vis-à-vis.
+  A pretty smile, a pretty dress,
+    Gay spirits no fatigue could crush;
+  With her it was a quick express,
+                Three minutes' rush.
+
+  For once I sadly left the train,
+    For once the time too quickly passed.
+  I still could angrily complain,
+    Why travel so absurdly fast?
+  At lightning speed that special went
+    (I'd paid the ordinary fare),
+  Now looking back it seems we spent
+                Three seconds there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BANK HOLIDAY SKETCH
+
+_Facetious Individual (from carriage window)._ "Change 'ere, 'ave we?
+Then kindly oblige me with a sardine-opener!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEDNESBURY STATION.--_First Collier._ "Trains leave for Birmingham,
+10.23 a.m., 6.23 p.m."
+
+_Second Collier._ "What's p.m.?"
+
+_First Do._ "A penny a mile, to be sure."
+
+_Second Do._ "Then, what's a.m.?"
+
+_First Do._ "Why, that must be a a'penny a mile."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RAILWAY LUXURIES
+
+_Excursionist._ "I say--'ere! This water's full o'crumbs!"
+
+_Aquarius._ "That ain't crumbs! That's only the sawdust off the hice!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY AND SOCIAL SYNONYMS
+
+_'Traction Engines._--Too many Girls of the Period.
+
+_Truck-Trains._--Most marriage processions at St. George's, Hanover
+Square.
+
+_Continuous Brakes._--The results of lodging house attendance.
+
+_Changing Lines._--What we often see after the honeymoon.
+
+_Shunted on to a Siding._--Paterfamilias when Baby appears.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A party who is quite in favour of light railways for town
+and country.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR COUNTRY COUSINS
+
+_The Gushington girls have just arrived by rail, and are inhaling the
+odours of an average London terminus._
+
+_Miss Milly Gushington._ "Wait a bit, uncle." (_Sniff._) "Oh, isn't it
+lovely, Hilly? Doesn't it just _smell_ of the season?"
+
+_Miss Hilly Gushington._ "Don't speak about it--only sniff!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TOURIST'S ALPHABET
+
+(_Railway Edition_)
+
+  A is the affable guard whom you square:
+  B is the _Bradshaw_ which leads you to swear:
+  C is the corner you fight to obtain:
+  D is the draught of which others complain:
+  E are the enemies made for the day:
+  F is the frown that you wear all the way:
+  G is the guilt that you feel going third:
+  H is the humbug by which you're deterred:
+  I is the insult you'll get down the line:
+  J is the junction where you'll try to dine:
+  K is the kettle of tea three weeks old:
+  L are the lemon drops better unsold:
+  M is the maiden who says there's no meat:
+  N is the nothing you thus get to eat:
+  O is the oath that you use--and do right:
+  P is the paper to which you _don't_ write:
+  Q are the qualms to directors unknown:
+  R is the row which you'll find all your own:
+  S is the smash that is "nobody's fault:"
+  T is the truth, that will come to a halt:
+  U is the pointsman--who's up the whole night:
+  V is the verdict that says it's "all right."
+  W stands for wheels flying off curves:
+  X for express that half shatters your nerves:
+  Y for the yoke from your neck that you fling,
+  and Z for your zest as you cut the whole thing!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STARTLING!
+
+_Constable (to nervous passenger, arrived by the Ramsgate train)._ "I've
+got yer"--(_"Ger-acious Heavens!" thinks little Skeery with a thrill of
+horror. "Takes me for somebody that's 'wanted'!"_)--"a cab, sir."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE MORE HASTE THE WORSE SPEED"
+
+SCENE--_The Charing Cross Station of the District Railway._
+
+_Country Cousin, bound for Bayswater, to ticket clerk, with scrupulous
+politeness._ If you please, I want a first-class ticket to Bayswater.
+
+_Ticket Clerk (abruptly)._ No first-class here. Go to the next
+booking-place.
+
+  [_Country Cousin retires rebuffed, and finds his way to next
+  booking-place._
+
+_Country Cousin._ If you please, I want a first-class ticket to
+Bayswater.
+
+_Ticket Clerk (explosively)._ Single or return? Look sharp! You're not
+the only person in London!
+
+_Country Cousin (humbly)._ Single, please.
+
+  [_The ticket and change are slapped down unceremoniously, and Country
+  Cousin is shoved on from behind by an impatient City man. Rushes
+  precipitately down brass-bound steps, and presents his ticket to be
+  snipped._
+
+_Snipper (inspecting ticket)._ Queen's Road, Bayswater? Wrong side! Go
+up the stairs, and turn to the right. Look sharp! There's a train just
+coming in!
+
+  [_Country Cousin, with a deepened sense of humiliation and bewilderment,
+  hurries upstairs, turns to the right, and reaches entrance to platform
+  just in time to have gate slammed in his face. The train being gone,
+  gate is re-opened, and the necessary snipping performed on his ticket._
+
+_Country Cousin (to Snipper, politely)._ If you please--will the next
+train take me to Queen's Road, Bayswater?
+
+_Saturnine Official._ Can't tell you till the train comes.
+
+  [_Country Cousin paces the platform in moody silence, and wishes he had
+  taken a cab. Enter train, rushing madly along._
+
+_Stentorian voice (without stops)._ Earl's Court North End and
+Hammersmith train first and second-class forward third behind!
+
+  [_Country Cousin makes his way towards a carriage, but finds it full.
+  Tries another with the same result, and is frantically endeavouring to
+  open the door of a third-class compartment in which there is one vacant
+  seat next a fat woman with a baby, when train moves on._
+
+_Indignant Official._ Stand away there! Stand away, will you! (_Drags
+back Country Cousin._) That ain't your train! What do you want a-tryin
+to get in there for?
+
+  [_Country Cousin, in deeper humiliation, re-arranges dress, disturbed by
+  recent struggle and resumes his agitated march._
+
+_Enter another train more madly than the first._
+
+_Stentorian voice._ High Street Kensington Notting Hill Gate and
+Bayswater train main line train!
+
+_Country Cousin (to Haughty Official, in an agony of entreaty)._ Is this
+train for Queen's Road, Bayswater?
+
+_Haughty Official._ Yes, Queen's Road. Look sharp! She'll be off in a
+minute.
+
+  [_Country Cousin scrambles through the crowd to a carriage; drops his
+  umbrella; stoops to pick it up and on rising finds train three parts
+  through the tunnel. Exit Country Cousin in a rage, to get a cab, having
+  lost twenty minutes, the price of his unused ticket, his self-respect,
+  and that of everybody he has come in contact with in the Metropolitan
+  District Railway Station._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHEN IN DOUBT--DON'T!
+
+SCENE--_Country Station_
+
+_Gent._ "Are the sandwiches fresh, my boy?"
+
+_Country Youth._ "Don't know, I'm sure, sir. I've only been here a
+fortnight!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DILEMMA
+
+_Station-Master._ "Now then! Look alive with they dougs! Where are
+you----"
+
+_Overdriven Porter._ "Hoots! they've a' eaten their tuck'ts, an' dinna
+ken fa the're gaen tae!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RISKS
+
+_Shrewd Clerk (with an eye to his percentage)._ "Take an accident
+insurance ticket, sir?"
+
+_Passenger (nervously)._ "Wha' for?!"
+
+_Clerk._ "Well, sir, nothing has gone wrong 'twixt this and London for
+the last fourteen months; and, by the haverages, the next smash on the
+hup line is hoverdue exactly six weeks and three days!!"
+
+    [_Old Gent forks out with alacrity._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MY "PUFF PUFF"
+
+  Puff me away from the noise and the worry;
+    Puff me away from the desolate town;
+  Puff me--but don't be in too great a hurry;
+    Puff me, but don't in a tunnel break down.
+
+  Puff me away to my loved Isle of Thanet
+    Swiftly--or e'en at the pace called the snail's,
+  Puff me the sea-breeze, and pleasantly fan it
+    Into my nostrils--but don't leave the rails.
+
+  Puff me away, far from Parliament's houses;
+    For brown moors of Scotland my soul is athirst--
+  For a smell of the heather, a pop at the grouses;
+    Puff me, but mind that your boiler don't burst.
+
+  Puff me _en route_ for care-killing Killarney,
+    Tenderly take me, as bridegroom his bride;
+  Bear me towards Erin, blest birthplace of Blarney,
+    Puff, puff, like blazes--but, _please_, don't "collide!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE
+
+_Customer_ (Time--_Saturday afternoon_). "I don't want all coppers in
+change for that shilling. Haven't you got any silver?"
+
+_Newsboy._ "All right, sir. Want a little Sunday money, I s'pose, sir?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER
+
+  At first I loved thee--thou wast warm,--
+    The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin'."
+  I tipped him as thy welcome form
+    He carried, with a grateful smile, in.
+
+  Alas! thou art a faithless friend,
+    Thy warmth was but dissimulation;
+  Thy tepid glow is at an end,
+    And I am nowhere near my station!
+
+  I shiver, cold in feet and hands,
+    It is a legal form of slaughter,
+  They don't warm (!) trains in other lands
+    With half a pint of tepid water.
+
+  I spurn thy coldness with a kick,
+    And pile on rugs as my protectors,
+  I'd send--to warm them--to Old Nick,
+    Thy parsimonious directors!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIFFERENT WAYS OF TRAVELLING.--Man travels to expand his ideas; but
+woman--judging from the number of boxes she invariably takes with
+her--travels only with the object of expanding her dresses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE BEST OF MOTIVES."--Locomotives.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A LIBERAL MEASURE"
+
+_Rude Boy (to stout party on weighing-machine, which is out of order,
+and won't work)._ "Shove in another penny, guv'nor. It's double fare to
+chaps o' your size!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOXHUNTER'S DEFINITION OF A MAIL-TRAIN.--A Post and Rails.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AS A RULE.--"Signal Failures"--Railway accidents.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THREE RAILWAY GAUGES.--Trains are made for the Broad Gauge, the Narrow
+Gauge, and the Lug-gage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ZOOLOGY
+
+_Railway Porter (to old lady travelling with a menagerie of pets)._
+"'Station-master say, mum, as cats is 'dogs,' and rabbits is 'dogs,' and
+so's parrots; but this ere 'tortis' is a insect, so there ain't no
+charge for it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LOGIC
+
+_Stout Party._ "What! no room! Ain't that man just got out? If people
+can get out, people can get in!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE QUICKEST OF ALL EXPRESS TRAINS.--The train of thought.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STARTLING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.--A punctual train.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KEEP YOUR TEMPER.--Avoid entering into an argument with a deaf man in a
+railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DON'T TOUCH ME, OR I'LL SCREAM!" as the engine whistle said to the
+stoker.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A MAN AND A PASSENGER!"
+
+_Sweep._ "'Elp us up with my luggage, mate!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI
+
+  I
+
+SCENE--_Interior of Third-Class Smoking Compartment. First Passenger,
+apparently a small Suburban Tradesman, of a full and comfortable habit,
+seated by window. To him enters a seedy but burly Stranger, in a state
+of muzzy affability, with an under-suggestion of quarrelsomeness._
+
+_The Stranger (leaning forward mysteriously)._ Yer saw that gentleman I
+was a torkin' to as I got in? Did yer know 'oo he _was_?
+
+_First Passenger (without hauteur, but with the air of a person who
+sets a certain value on his conversation)._ Well, he didn't look much
+like the Archbishop of Canterbury.
+
+_The S._ He's a better man than _'im_! That was Brasher, the middling
+weight! he giv' me the orfice straight about Killivan and Smifton, _he_
+did!
+
+_First P. (interested, as a lover of the Noble Art of Self Defence)._
+Ah! did he, though?
+
+_The S._ He _did_; I went up to him, and I sez, "Excuse me," I sez,
+like that, I sez, "but are you an American, or a German?"
+
+_First P. (with superiority)._ He wouldn't like that--being taken for a
+German.
+
+_The S. (solemnly)._ Those were my very words! And he sez, "No, I'm a
+Yank," and then I knoo 'oo 'e was, d'ye see? and so (_hazily_) one word
+brought up another, and we got a torkin'. If I was to tell you I'd
+_seen_ Killivan, I should be tellin' yer a lie!
+
+_First P._ Well, I won't ask you to do that.
+
+_The S. (firmly)._ Nor I wouldn't. But you've on'y to look at Smifton to
+see 'e's never 'ad a smack on the 'ed. Now, there's Sulton--'e's a
+_good_ man, _'e_ is--'e _is_ a good man! Look 'ow that feller knocks
+'isself about! But if I was to pass _my_ opinion, it 'ud be
+this--Killivan's _in_ it for science, he ain't in it to _take_ anything;
+you may take that from me!
+
+_First P._ (_objecting to be treated as an_ ingénu). It's not the first
+time I've heard of it, by a long way.
+
+_The S._ Ah! and it's the truth, the Bible truth (_putting his hand on
+First P.'s knee_). Now, you b'leeve what I'm a'goin' to tell yer?
+
+_First P. (his dignity a little ruffled)._ I will--if it's anything in
+reason.
+
+_The S._ It's this: My opinion of Killivan and Sulton's this--Sulton
+_brought_ Killivan _out_. I'm on'y tellin' yer from 'earsay, like; but I
+_know_ this myself--one lived in 'Oxton, and the other down Bermondsey
+way. 'E's got a nice little butcher's business there at this present
+moment; and 'e's a mug if 'e turns it up!
+
+_First P. (axiomatically)._ Every man's a mug who turns a good business
+up.
+
+_The S._ Yer right! And (_moralising_) it ain't _all_ 'oney with that
+sort o' people, neither, I can tell yer! I dessay, now, when all's put
+to the test, you're not a moneyed man--no more than I am myself?
+
+_First P. (not altogether flattered)._ Well--that's as _may_ be.
+
+_The S._ But I b'leeve yer to be a man o' the world, although I don't
+_know_ yer.
+
+_First P. (modestly)._ I used to be in it at one time.
+
+_The S. (confidentially)._ I'm in it _now_. I don't get my livin' by it,
+though, mind yer. I'm a mechanic, I am--to a certain extent. I've been
+in America. _There's_ a country now--they don't over-tax like they do
+'ere!
+
+_First P. (sympathetically)._ There you _'ave_ touched a point--we're
+taxed past all common sense. Why, this very tobacco I'm smoking now is
+charged----
+
+_The S._ Talkin' of terbaccer, I don't mind 'aving a pipe along with yer
+myself.
+
+_First P. (handing his pouch with a happy mixture of cordiality and
+condescension)._ There you are, then.
+
+_The S. (afflicted by sudden compunction as he fills his pipe)._ I 'ope
+I'm not takin' a libbaty in askin yer?
+
+_First P._ Liberty? rubbish! I'm not one to make distinctions where _I_
+go. I'd as soon talk to one man as I would another--you're setting your
+coat alight.
+
+_The S._ I set fire to myself once, and I never live in 'opes of doing
+so agen! It's a funny thing with me, I can smoke a cigar just as well as
+I could a short pipe. I'm no lover of a cigar, if you understand me; but
+I can go into company where they _are_, d'ye _see_?
+
+_First P. (shortly)._ _I_ see.
+
+_The S. (with fresh misgivings)._ You'll excuse me if I've taken a
+libbaty with yer!
+
+_First P. (with a stately air)._ We settled all that just now.
+
+_The S. (after a scrutiny)._ I tell yer what my idear of _you_ is--that
+you're a _Toff!_
+
+_First P. (disclaiming this distinction a little uneasily)._ No,
+no--there's nothing of the toff about _me!_
+
+_The S. (defiantly)._ Well, you're a _gentleman_, anyway?
+
+_First P. (aphoristic, but uncomfortable)._ We can all of us be that,
+so long as we behave ourselves.
+
+_The S. (much pleased by this sentiment)._ Right agen! give us yer
+'and--if it's not takin a libbaty. I'm one of them as can't bear to take
+a libbaty with no matter 'oo. Yer know it's a real pleasure to me to be
+settin' 'ere torkin' comfortably to you, without no thought of either of
+us fallin' out. There's some people as wouldn't feel 'appy, not without
+they was 'aving a row. Now you and me ain't _like_ that!
+
+_First P. (shifting about)._ Quite so--quite so, of course!
+
+_The S._ Not but what if it was to come to a row between us, I could
+take _my_ part!
+
+_First P. (wishing there was somebody else in the compartment)._ I--I
+hope we'll keep off that.
+
+_The S. (devoutly)._ So do I! _I_ 'ope we'll keep off o' that. But yer
+never know what may bring it on--and there it is, d'ye see! You and me
+might fall out without intending it. I've bin a bit of a boxer in my
+day. Do you doubt my word?--if so, say it to my face!
+
+_First P._ I've no wish to offend you, I'm sure.
+
+_The S._ I never take a lie straight from any man, and there you 'ave me
+in a word! If you're _bent_ on a row, you'll find me a glutton, that's
+all I can tell you!
+
+_First P. (giving himself up for lost)._ But I'm _not_ bent on a
+row--qu--quite otherwise!
+
+_The S._ You should ha' said so afore, because, when my back's once put
+_up_, I'm--'ello! we're stopping, I get out 'ere, don't I?
+
+_First P. (eagerly)._ Yes--make haste, they don't stay long anywhere on
+this line!
+
+_The S. (completely mollified)._ Then I'll say good-bye to yer.
+(_Tenderly._) P'raps we may meet agen, some day.
+
+_First P._ We--we'll hope so--good day to you, wish you luck!
+
+_The S. (solemnly)._ Lord _love_ yer! (_Pausing at door._) I 'ope you
+don't think me the man to fall out with nobody. I _never_ fall out----
+
+[_Falls out into the arms of a porter, whom he pummels as the train
+moves on, and First Passenger settles into a corner with a sigh of
+relief._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOT QUITE UP TO DATE
+
+_Somerset Rustic (on seeing the signal drop)._ "Ar don't know if it'd
+make any difference, maister, but thic ther' bit o' board of yourn 'ave
+a fallen down!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOTES OF TRAVEL
+
+_Foreign Husband (whose wife is going to remain longer)._ "Gif me two
+dickets. Von for me to come back, and von for my vife not to come
+back!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE UNDERGROUND
+
+_Lady (who has just entered carriage, to friend)._ "Fancy finding you in
+the train! Why couldn't I have met you yesterday, now? I had such a
+wretched journey! But one never _does_ meet people when one wants to!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LA BELLE DAME SANS "MERCI"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TOUT VIENT À QUI SAIT ATTENDRE"
+
+Shouting heard--engine whistles frantically--brakes applied
+violently--train stops--accident, no doubt--alarm of first-class
+passengers--stout gent flies at communicator--child shrieks--terrified
+lady calls out, "Help! guard! What is it? Let us out!"
+
+_Guard._ "Oh, no fear, miss. On'y driver he just see a lot o' fine
+mushyroons, miss, and we----he like 'em for breakfast. All right! Away
+y' go!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A STATION ON THE NORTH STAFFORDSHIRE LINE
+
+_Traveller._ "Now then, boy, where's the clerk who gives the ticket?"
+
+_Boy (after finishing an air he was whistling)._ "I'm the clerk."
+
+_Traveller._ "Well, sir! And what time does the train leave for
+London?"
+
+_Boy._ "Oh, I don't know. No time in pertickler. Sometimes one time--and
+sometimes another."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
+
+He determines to try the automatic photographing machine, the station
+being empty. To his dismay a crowd has gathered, and watches the
+operation.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Workman (politely, to old lady, who has accidentally got
+into a smoking compartment)._ "You don't object to my pipe, I 'ope,
+mum?"
+
+_Old Lady._ "Yes, I _do_ object, very strongly!"
+
+_Workman._ "Oh! Then out you get!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY LONG AFTER STERNE'S
+
+_(A Romance for a "Ladies Only" Compartment)_
+
+SCENE--_Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female
+Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller._
+
+_Male Traveller._ A thousand apologies! I really nearly missed my train,
+so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. Trust I don't intrude.
+
+_Fem. T. (after a pause)._ As you have no one to present you, I must ask
+"if you are any lady's husband?"
+
+_Male T. (with a sigh)._ Alas, no! I am a wretched bachelor!
+
+_Fem. T. (drily)._ That is nothing out of the common. I have been given
+to understand that all bachelors are miserable.
+
+_Male T._ No doubt your husband agrees with the opinion?
+
+_Fem. T. (calmly)._ I have no experience. I am a spinster.
+
+_Male T. (smiling)._ Indeed! And you selected a ladies' carriage?
+
+_Fem. T. (quickly)._ Because there was no room anywhere else.
+
+_Male T._ Well, well! At the next station I can get into a smoking
+compartment.
+
+_Fem. T._ Surely there is no need to take so much trouble.
+
+_Male T._ Why! don't _you_ object to a cigar?
+
+_Fem. T._ Not in the least. The fact is, I smoke myself!
+
+  [_Red fire and tobacco._
+
+_Male T. (after a pause)._ I have it on my conscience to make a
+correction. I said just now that I was not somebody's husband.
+
+_Fem. T. (annoyed)._ Then you are married!
+
+_Male T. (with intention)._ Well, not yet. But if you like you can
+receive me as somebody's betrothed.
+
+_Fem. T. (regardless of grammar)._ Who's somebody?
+
+_Male T. (smiling)._ Think of your own name.
+
+_Fem. T._ What next?
+
+_Male T._ Why, give it to me; and if you like you shall have mine in
+exchange. (_Train arrives at a station._)
+
+_Guard (without)._ All change!
+
+  [_And later on they do._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PATRON SAINT OF RAILWAYS.-St. Pan-crash.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NON-SEQUITUR
+
+_Affable Old Gentleman (who has half a minute to spare)._ "I suppose
+now, my boy, you take a good sum of money during the day?"
+
+_Shoeblack._ "Yessur, 'cause lots o' gintleman, when they wants to ketch
+a train, gives me sixpence!"
+
+  [_Old gent finds the sixpence, but in thinking over it afterwards,
+couldn't see the connection._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TWOPENNY TUBE
+
+"Hi, guv'nor, there ain't no station named on this ticket!"
+
+"No; all our tickets are alike."
+
+"Then, 'ow do I know where I'm going?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HIGHLY ACCOMMODATING
+
+_Stout Party (rather hot)._ "Hope you don't find the breeze too much,
+sir?"
+
+_Fellow Passenger._ "Oh! not at all, sir! I rather like it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SKYLIGHT VIEW--A RAILWAY STATION]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Traveller (to Irish porter labelling luggage)._ "Don't
+you keep a brush for that work, porter?"
+
+_Porter._ "No, yer honour. Our tongues is the only insthrumints we're
+allowed. But--they're aisy kep' wet, yer honour!" [_Hint taken._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN A SLOW TRAIN
+
+  "Look out for squalls"--on land or sea--
+    Where duty or where pleasure calls,
+  A golden rule it seems to be,
+          Look out for squalls.
+
+  Yet in a train that slowly crawls
+    Somehow it most appeals to me.
+  For then sometimes, it so befalls,
+
+    An infant on its mother's knee
+  In my compartment Fate installs--
+    Which makes a nervous man, you see,
+          Look out for squalls!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY MAXIMS
+
+(_Perfectly at the Service of any Railway Company_)
+
+Delays are dangerous.
+
+A train in time saves nine.
+
+Live and let live.
+
+After a railway excursion, the doctor.
+
+Do not halloo till you are out of the train.
+
+Between two trains we fall to the ground.
+
+Fire and water make good servants but bad masters.
+
+A director is known by the company he keeps.
+
+A railway train is the thief of time.
+
+There is no place like home--but the difficulty is to get there.
+
+The farther you go, the worse is your fare.
+
+It's the railway pace that kills.
+
+The great charm about a railway accident is that, no matter how many
+lives are lost, "no blame is ever attached to any one."
+
+A railway is long, but life is short--and generally the longer a
+railway, the shorter your life.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE.--_Disappointed Porter (to Mate)._ I
+thought you said he was a gentleman.
+
+_Mate._ No, that's where you mistook me. _I_ said he was a gent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sylvanus._ "Foxes are scarce in my country; but we
+manage it with a drag now and then!"
+
+_Urbanus._ "Oh--er--yes. But how do you get it over the fences?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Porter._ "Now, marm, will you please to move, or was
+you corded to your box?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THERE BE LAND RATS"
+
+_Jack Ashore._ "Bill, just keep a heye on my jewel-case 'ere while I go
+and get the tickets. There's a lot o' sharks always cruisin' about these
+railway stations, I've heard!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER AN EASTERTIDE FESTIVITY--ON THE INNER CIRCLE
+
+_Guard._ "Where are you for?"
+
+_Old Gent._ "I'm oright--Edgware Road."
+
+_Guard._ "Well, mind you get out this time. You've been round three
+times!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY SCALE OF MANNERS
+
+We have often been struck with the difference of manner assumed by
+railway officials towards different people. Shut your eyes, and you can
+tell from the tone of their voices whom they are addressing. The
+following examples will best illustrate our meaning. The railway
+potentate is calling upon the passengers to get their tickets ready. He
+calls:
+
+To the Third Class.--_Fortissimè._--"Tickets, tickets; come get
+your tickets ready."
+
+To the Second Class.--_Fortè._--"Tickets, gents; get your tickets ready,
+gents."
+
+To the First Class.--_Piano._--"Get your tickets ready, gentlemen, if
+you please; tickets ready, if you please, gentlemen."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE H GRATUITOUS
+
+_Lady._ "Can I book through from here to Oban?"
+
+_Well-educated Clerk (correcting her)._ "Holborn, you mean. No; but you
+can book to Broad Street, and then take a 'bus!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH ON A LOCOMOTIVE.
+
+_By the sole survivor of a deplorable accident (no blame to be attached
+to any servants of the company)_
+
+        Collisions four
+        Or five she bore,
+  The signals wor in vain;
+        Grown old and rusted,
+        Her biler busted,
+  And smash'd the Excursion Train.
+        "Her End Was Pieces."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH FOR A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--"His life was spent on pleasant lines."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUDDLEBY JUNCTION
+
+_Overworked Pointsman (puzzled)._ "Let's see!--there's the 'scursion'
+were due at 4.45, and it ain't in; then, afore that, were the
+'mineral,'--no! that must ha' been the 'goods,'--or the 'cattle.' No!
+that were after,--cattle's shunting now. Let's see!--fast train came
+through at----Con-found!--and here comes 'the express' afore its time,
+and blest if I know which line she's on!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TEA IN TEN MINUTES
+
+(A SONG AT A RAILWAY STATION)
+
+AIR--"_Thee, Thee, only Thee_"
+
+  Ten minutes here! The sun is sinking,
+  And longingly we've long been thinking
+        Of Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!
+  The marble slabs we gather round.
+    They're long in bringing what is wanted,
+  The china cup with draught em-brown'd,
+    Our thirsty souls are wholly haunted
+        By Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!
+
+  Now then, you waiter, stir, awaken!
+  Time's up. I'll hardly save my bacon.
+        Tea, Tea, bring that Tea!
+  At last! The infusion's rayther dark.
+    But hurry up! Can't stay for ever!
+  One swig! Br-r-r-r! Hang the cunning shark!
+    Will't never cool? Nay, never, never!
+        Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!
+
+  More milk; don't be an hour in bringing!
+  Heavens! That horrid bell is ringing!
+        "Take your seats, please!" Can't _touch_ the Tea!
+  Cup to the carriage must not take;
+    Crockery may be lost, or broken;
+  Refreshment sharks are wide awake.
+    But--many a naughty word is spoken
+        O'er Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES
+
+_Head Barmaid._ "These tarts are quite stale, Miss Hunt--been on the
+counter for a fortnight! _Would_ you mind taking them into the
+_second-class_ refreshment-room?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LUSUS MACHINER--Æ
+
+_Chatty Passenger._ "Porter! That's one of those curious tailless Manx
+cats, is it not?"
+
+_Crusty Porter (shortly)._ "No, 'taint. Morn'g 'xpress!"
+
+_Passenger (puzzled)._ "E--h--I don't understand----"
+
+_Porter._ "Don't yer? Well, you come and put your toe on these 'ere down
+metals about 9.14 a.m. to-morrow, and----"
+
+_Passenger (enlightened)._ "Ah!--I see--jus' so----"
+
+  [_Retires under cover of newspaper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY COMPANIONS
+
+(_By a Disagreeable Traveller_)
+
+I.
+
+I have come to the conclusion that the railway train exercises a
+sinister influence upon the human race. Persons who are tolerable--or
+even welcome--in ordinary daily life, become peculiarly obnoxious so
+soon as they enter the compartment of a train. No fairy prince ever
+stepped into a railway train--assuming he favoured that means of
+locomotion--without being transformed straightway into a Beast, and even
+Beauty herself could not be distinguished from her disagreeable
+sisters--in a train.
+
+Speaking for myself, railway travelling invariably brings to the surface
+all my worst qualities.
+
+My neighbour opposite hazards some remark. I feel immediately a fit of
+taciturnity coming over me, and an overpowering inclination to retreat
+behind a fortification of journals and magazines. On the other hand, say
+that I have exhausted my stock of railway literature--or, no remote
+possibility, that the literature has exhausted me--then I make a casual
+remark about the weather. The weather is not usually considered a
+controversial topic: in railway trains, however, it becomes so.
+
+"Rain! not a bit," says a passenger in the far corner, evidently
+meditating a walking tour, and he views me suspiciously as if I were a
+rain-producer.
+
+"And a good thing too," remarks the man opposite. "It's wanted badly, I
+tell you, sir--very badly. It's all very well for you holiday folk,"
+&c., &c.
+
+And all this bad feeling because of my harmless well-intentioned remark.
+
+The window is up. "Phew!... stuffy," says the man opposite. "You don't
+mind, I hope, the window--eh?" "Not in the least," I say, and conceive a
+deadly hatred for him. I know from experience that directly that window
+is down all the winds of heaven will conspire to rush through, bearing
+upon them a smoky pall. I resign myself, therefore, to possible
+bronchitis and inflammation of the eye. Schoolboys, I may remark by the
+way, are the worst window offenders, owing to their diabolical practice
+of looking out of window in a tunnel--and, of course, _nothing_ ever
+happens to them. What's the use of expostulating after the compartment
+is full of yellow, choking vapour. These boys should be leashed together
+like dogs and conveyed in the luggage-van.
+
+The window is down. "W-h-oop," coughs an elderly man. "Do you mind, sir,
+that window being closed?" Polite mendacity and inward bitterness on my
+part towards the individual who has converted the compartment into an
+oven.
+
+But there are worse companions even than these, of whom I must speak
+another time.
+
+II.
+
+I have known people thoughtlessly speak well of the luncheon-basket. In
+my opinion, the luncheon-basket arouses the worst passions of human
+nature, and is a direct incentive to deeds of violence. To say this is
+to cast an aspersion upon the refreshment contractor, who is evidently a
+man of touchingly simple faith and high imagination. Simple faith
+assuredly, for does he not provide on the principle that our insides are
+hardy and vigorous and unspoilt by the art of cooking? High imagination
+most certainly, otherwise he would never call that red fluid by the name
+of claret.
+
+No, it is to the social rather than to the gastronomic influence of the
+luncheon-basket that I wish to advert.
+
+Once I procured a luncheon-basket and with it came the demon of
+discontent and suspicion, converting three neutral people into deadly
+enemies.
+
+One was a pale young man who had been scowling over Browning and making
+frantic notes on the margin of the book. Personally, I don't think it
+quite decent for pale young men to improve their minds in a public
+conveyance--but at any rate he had seemed harmless. Now he raised his
+eyes and viewed me with undisguised contempt. "Wretched glutton," he
+said in effect, and when accidentally I burned my mouth with mustard
+(which a sudden swerve had sent meandering in a yellow stream across the
+chicken and ham), he gave a sneering, callous smile, which reminded me
+that a man may smile and smile and be a--railway companion.
+
+I verily believe that youth to be capable of any crime, even Extension
+lecturing.
+
+Then there was a young lady reading a sixpenny Braddon, who viewed me as
+if I were some monster; when I shut my eyes and gulped off
+some--er--claret, she brought biscuits and lemonade from a small bag and
+refreshed herself with ostentatious simplicity, as if to say, "Look upon
+_this_ picture and on the wine-bibbing epicurean in the corner." An old
+lady with her was more amply provided for (old ladies usually take more
+care of their insides than anyone else in creation), but although she
+munched sandwiches and washed them down with sherry (probably sweet,
+ugh!) luxuriously, she looked with pious horror at my plates and dishes
+spread out. I _might_ have said, "Madam, I eat frankly and openly; my
+resources may be viewed by all. Your secret and delusive bags have
+limitless resources that you are ashamed to show."
+
+I didn't say so; but the restraint placed on myself quite spoilt the
+lunch. No more baskets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: À FORTIORI
+
+_Ticket Collector._ "Now, then, make haste! Where's your ticket?"
+
+_Bandsman (refreshed)._ "Au've lost it!"
+
+_Ticket Collector._ "Nonsense! Feel in your pockets. Ye cannot hev lost
+it!"
+
+_Bandsman._ "Aw cannot? Why, man, au've lost the _big drum!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "JUST OUT!"--(AT ALL THE LIBRARIES)
+
+_First Young Lady._ "How did you like _Convict Life_, dear?"
+
+_Second Young Lady._ "Pretty well. We've just begun _Ten Years' Penal
+Servitude_. Some of us like it, but----"
+
+_Old Lady (mentally)._ "Good gracious! What dreadful creatures! So
+young, too!"
+
+[_Looks for the communicating cord!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RATHER SUSPICIOUS
+
+_First Passenger._ "Had pretty good sport?"
+
+_Second Passenger._ "No--very poor. Birds wild--rain in torrents--dogs
+no use. 'Only got fifty brace!"
+
+_First Passenger._ "'Make birds dear, won't it?"
+
+_Second Passenger ("off his guard")._ "You're right. I assure you I paid
+three-and-sixpence a brace all round at Norwich this morning!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FROM THE GENERAL TO THE PARTICULAR
+
+_Young Lady (who has never travelled by this line before)._ "Do you go
+to Kew Gardens?"
+
+_Booking-Clerk._ "Sometimes on a Sunday, miss, on a summer's
+afternoon!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NEW RACE IN AFRICA.
+ Arrival of the Uganda express.
+(Twenty minutes ahead of time.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LITTLE FARCE AT A RAILWAY STATION
+
+_Lady._ "I want one ticket--first!" _Clerk._ "Single?" _Lady._ "Single!
+What does it matter to you, sir, whether I'm single or not?
+Impertinence!"
+
+  [_Clerk explains that he meant single or return, not t'other thing._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TWO VIEWS OF IT
+
+_Brown._ "Shockin' thing! You heard of poor Mullins getting his neck
+broken in that collision!"
+
+_Jones._ "Ah!--it's as-tonishing how lucky some fellows are! He told me
+'last time I saw him he'd just insured his life for three thous'd
+poun's!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INJURED INNOCENCE
+
+"Hulloa! _You've_ no call to be in here! _You_ haven't got a fust-class
+ticket, _I_ know."
+
+"No! I hain't!"
+
+"Well, come out! This ain't a third-class carriage!"
+
+"_Hain't_ it? Lor! Well I thought it _wos, by the look of the
+passingers!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Guard._ "Some one been smoking, I think?"
+
+_Passenger._ "What! Smoking! That's very reprehensible. Perhaps it was
+the clerical gentleman who has just got out of the next compartment."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NEM. CON.!"
+
+_Chatty Passenger (on G. W. Railway)._ "How plainly you can see the
+lights of Hanwell from the railway!"
+
+_Silent Man (in the corner)._ "Not half so plain as the lights of the
+train look from Hanwell!"
+
+  [_All change at the next station._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RECIPROCAL
+
+_Sporting Gentleman._ "Well, sir, I'm very pleased to have made your
+acquaintance, and had the opportunity of hearing a Churchman's views on
+the question of tithes. Of course, as a country landowner, I'm
+interested in Church matters, and----"
+
+_The Parson._ "Quite so--delighted, I'm sure. Er--by the bye, could you
+tell me _what's won to-day_?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RAILWAY LITERATURE
+
+_Bookstall Keeper._ "Book, ma'am? Yes, ma'am. Here's a popular work by
+an eminent surgeon, just published, 'Broken Legs: and How to Mend Them':
+or, would you like the last number of _The Railway Operator_?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SATISFACTORY
+
+_Bumptious Old Gent (in a directorial tone)._ "Ah, guard--what are
+we--ah--waiting for?"
+
+_Guard (with unconcern)._ "Waiting for the train to go on, sir!"
+  [_Old Gent retires._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNDERGROUND SELL
+
+_First Passenger._ "They say they've put on detectives 'ere, to catch
+coves as travels without tickets."
+
+_Second Passenger._ "'Ave they? Well, all I can say is, _I_ can travel
+as often as I like from Cannon Street to Victoria, and not pay a
+'apenny!"
+
+_Detective._ "See here, mate; I'll give you half-a-crown if you tell me
+how you do it."
+
+_Second Passenger (after pocketing the half-crown)._ "Well,--when I
+wants to git from Cannon Street to Victoria without payin'--_I walks!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUITE UP TO DATE
+
+_Cousin Madge._ "Well, good-bye, Charlie. So many thanks for taking care
+of us!"
+
+_Charlie._ "_Not at all!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI
+
+II.
+
+ON THE PLATFORM
+
+_A Lady of Family._ Oh, yes, I do travel third-class sometimes, my dear.
+I consider it a duty to try to know something of the lower orders.
+
+  [_Looks out for an empty third-class compartment._
+
+EN ROUTE
+
+_The seats are now all occupied: the Lady of Family is in one corner,
+next to a Chatty Woman with a basket, and opposite to an
+Eccentric-looking Man with a flighty manner._
+
+_The Eccentric Man (to the Lady of Family)._ Sorry to disturb you, mum,
+but you're a-setting on one o' my 'am sandwiches.
+
+_The L. of F._???!!!
+
+_The E. M. (considerately)._ Don't trouble yourself, mum, it's of no
+intrinsic value. I on'y put it there to keep my seat.
+
+_The Chatty W. (to the L. of F.)._ I think I've seen you about
+Shinglebeach, 'ave I not?
+
+_The L. of F._ It is very possible. I have been staying with some
+friends in the neighbourhood.
+
+_The C. W._ It's a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach; but
+(_confidentially_) don't you think it's a very sing'ler thing that in a
+place like that--a fash'nable place, too--there shouldn't be a single
+'am an' beef shop?
+
+_The L. of F. (making a desperate effort to throw herself into the
+question)._ What a very extraordinary thing, to be sure! Dear, _dear_
+me! No ham and beef shop!
+
+_The C. W._ It's so indeed, mum; and what's more, as I dare say you've
+noticed for yourself, if you 'appen to want a snack o' fried fish ever
+so, there isn't a place you could go to--leastways, at a moment's
+notice. Now, 'ow do you explain such a thing as that?
+
+_The L. of F. (faintly)._ I'm afraid I can't suggest any explanation.
+
+_A Sententious Man._ Fried fish is very sustaining.
+
+  [_Relapses into silence for the remainder of journey._
+
+_The Eccentric Man._ Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we was
+kids, my father ud bring us home two pennorth o' ches'nuts, and we 'ad
+'em boiled, and they'd last us days. (_Sentimentally._) He was a kind
+man, my father (_to the L. of F., who bows constrainedly_), though you
+wouldn't ha' thought it, to look at him. I don't say, mind yer, that he
+wasn't fond of his bit o' booze--(_the L. of F. looks out of
+window_)--like the best of us. I'm goin' up to prove his will now, I
+am--if you don't believe me, 'ere's the probate. (_Hands that document
+round for inspection._) That's all reg'lar enough, I 'ope. (_To the L.
+of F._) Don't give it back before you've done with it--I'm in no 'urry,
+and there's good reading in it. (_Points out certain favourite passages
+with a very dirty forefinger._) Begin there--_that's_ my name.
+
+  [_The L. of F. peruses the will with as great a show of interest as she
+  can bring herself to assume._
+
+_The Eccentric Man._ D'ye see that big 'andsome building over there?
+That's the County Lunatic Asylum--where my poor wife is shut up. I went
+to see her last week, I did. (_Relates his visit in detail to the L. of
+F., who listens unwillingly._) It's wonderful how many of our family
+have been in that asylum from first to last. I 'ad a aunt who died
+cracky; and my old mother, she's very peculiar at times. There's days
+when I feel as if I was a little orf my own 'ed, so if I say anything at
+all out of the way, you'll know what it is.
+
+  [_L. of F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage
+are two Men of seafaring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from
+his Fiancée as the L. of F. takes her seat._
+
+_The Fiancé._ Excuse me one moment, ma'am.
+
+(_Leans across the L. of F. and out of the window._)
+
+Well, goodbye, my girl; take care of yourself.
+
+_The Fiancée (with a hysterical giggle)._ Oh, I'll take care o' _my_
+self.
+
+  [_Looks at the roof of the carriage._
+
+_He (with meaning)._ No more pickled onions, eh?
+
+_She._ What a one you are to remember things! (_After a pause._) Give my
+love to Joe.
+
+_He._ All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last (_they embrace
+loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of
+mingled sentiment and complacency_). Oh, (_to L. of F._) if you don't
+mind my stepping across you again, mum. Jenny, if you see Dick between
+this and Friday, just tell him as----
+
+  [_Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses;_
+
+_Final parting as train starts with a jerk which throws the Fiancé upon
+the L. of F.'s lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar
+significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring Men, who
+is reclining in an easy attitude on the seat. His companion responds
+with a grin of intelligence, and produces a large black bottle from the
+rack. They drink, and hand the bottle to the Fiancé._
+
+_The F._ Thankee I don't mind if I do. Here's wishing you----
+
+  [_Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug; is about to
+  hand back bottle when the first Seafarer intimates that he is to pass it
+  on. The L. of F. recoils in horror._
+
+_Both Seafarers (reassuringly)._ It's _wine_, mum!
+
+  [_Tableau. The Lady of Family realises that the study of third-class
+humanity has its drawbacks._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Our Artist (who has strolled into a London terminus)._
+"What's the matter with all these people? Is there a panic?"
+
+_Porter._ "Panic! No, this ain't no panic. These is excursionists. Their
+train leaves in two hours, so they want to get a seat!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BRANCH STATION
+
+_Miss Tremmles (who is nervous about railways generally, and especially
+since the late outrages)._ "Oh, porter, put me into a carriage where
+there are ladies, or respectable people, or----"
+
+_Porter._ "Oh, you're all safe this mornin', miss; you're th' only
+passenger in the whol' tr'ine, except another old woman."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A COOL CARD
+
+_Swell (handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party)._ "Aw--would
+you--aw--do me the favour to wead the list of the waces to me while
+we're wunning down?--I've--aw--forgotten my eyeglass. Don't mind waising
+your voice--I'm pwecious deaf!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THAT IT SHOULD COME TO THIS!
+
+_Boy._ "Second-class, sir?"
+
+_Captain._ "I nevah travel second-class!"
+
+_Boy._ "This way third, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ART!
+
+_Chatty Passenger._ "To show yer what cheats they are, sir, friend o'
+mine,--lots o' money, and fust-rate taste,--give the horder to one of
+'em to decorate his new 'ouse in reg'lar slap-up style!--'spare no
+expense!--with all the finest 'chromios' that could be 'ad! You know
+what lovely things they are, sir! Well, sir, would you believe
+it!--after they was sent, they turned out not to be 'chromios' at
+all!--but done by 'and!"--(_with withering contempt_)--"done by 'and,
+sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PERMISSIVE SLAUGHTER
+
+(_Five Thousand Shunting Accidents in Five Years!_)
+
+_First Shunter (with coupling-link, awaiting engine backing)._ "I saw
+poor Jack's wife and kids last night, after the funeral. Poor things,
+what will be done for 'em?" _Second Shunter (at points)._ "Oh, the usual
+thing, I s'ppose--company's blessin', and a charity mangle!----Look
+out, mate! She's backin'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEHIND TIME
+
+_Ticket Collector._ "This your boy, mum? He's too big for a 'alf
+ticket!" _Mother (down upon him)._ "Oh, is he? Well, p'rhaps he is now,
+mister; but he wasn't when we started. This 'xcursion's ever so many
+hours be'ind time, an' he's a growin' lad! So now!"
+
+  [_Exit in triumph._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "FORCE OF HABIT"
+
+_Our Railway Porter (the first time he acted as deputy in the absence of
+the beadle)._ "T'kets r'dy! All tick-ets ready!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHY TAKE A CHILL?
+
+If your train is not heated by pipes, get plenty of foot-warmers, as
+Algy and Betty did. Sit on one, put your feet on another, a couple at
+your back, and one on your lap, and you'll get to your destination as
+they did--warm as muffins!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Railway Porter._ "Now then, sir! by your leave!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE HOT WEATHER TOO!
+
+  DRAMATIS PERSONÆ
+
+A Choleric Old Gentleman. A Cool Young Party.
+
+SCENE.--A Richmond Railway Carriage.
+
+TIME.--About 12 noon.
+
+_Choleric Old Gentleman (panting, puffing, perspiring)._ Hot, sir,
+tremendously hot.
+
+_Cool Young Party._ It is warm.
+
+_C. O. G._ Warm, sir! I call it blazing hot. Why the glass is 98° in the
+shade!
+
+_C. Y. P._ Really! is that much?
+
+_C. O. G._ Much, sir! Immense!
+
+_C. Y. P._ Well, then, the glass is perfectly right.
+
+_C. O. G._ Right, sir! I don't understand you, sir. What do you mean by
+saying it is right, sir?
+
+_C. Y. P._ I mean that the glass is quite right to be as much in the
+shade as it can in this warm weather.
+
+  [_Choleric Old Gentleman collapses._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUITE UNIMPORTANT.
+
+_Thompson (interrogatively, to beauteous but haughty damsel, whom he has
+just helped to alight)._ "I beg your pardon?"
+
+_Haughty Damsel._ "I did not speak!"
+
+_Thompson._ "Oh--I thought you said 'Thanks'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
+
+"I'm afraid we shan't have this compartment to ourselves any longer,
+Janet." "Oh, it's all right, aunty darling. If you put your head out of
+window, I dare say nobody will come in!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION
+
+_Groom._ "Beg pardon, sir,--but wos your name Tomkins?" _Tomkins._
+"Yes!" _Groom._ "If you please, sir, master says he wos werry sorry
+as he couldn't send the feeaton--but, as his young 'oss wanted
+exercise, he thought you wouldn't mind ridin' of 'im!"
+
+  [_Tomkins bursts into a cold perspiration._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUBURBAN HOSPITALITY.
+
+SCENE--_A mile and a half to the railway
+station, on a bitter winter's night._
+
+_Genial Host (putting his head out of doors)._ Heavens! what a night!
+Not fit to turn a dog out! (_To the parting guest._) Well, good-night,
+old chap. I hope you find your way to the station.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LUXURIOUS HABIT
+
+_Philanthropist (to railway porter)._ "Then what time do you get to
+bed?"
+
+_Porter._ "Well, I seldom what yer may call gets to bed myself, 'cause
+o' the night trains. But my brother, as used to work the p'ints further
+down the line, went to bed last Christmas after the accident, and
+never----"
+
+[_Train rushes in, and the parties rush off._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARD LINES ON INDIVIDUALS.--The compulsory purchase of land by a
+railway company is insult added to injury. The buyers take a site in the
+seller's face.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE ROLL OF THE AGES."--The penny roll at railway refreshment-rooms.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE OTHER WAY ABOUT"
+
+_Irate Passenger (as train is moving off)._ "Why the ---- didn't you put
+my luggage in as I told you--you old ----"
+
+_Porter._ "E--h, man! yer baggage es na sic a fule as yersel. Ye're i'
+the wrang train!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Railway Porter._ "Dogs not allowed inside the carriages,
+sir!"
+
+_Countryman._ "What not a little tooy tarrier? Wall, thee'd better tak'
+un oot then, young man!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PORTER'S SLAM
+
+[A meeting at Manchester raised a protest against the nuisance caused by
+the needlessly loud "slamming" of railway carriage doors.]
+
+  The porter has a patent "slam,"
+    Which smites one like a blow,
+  And everywhere that porter comes
+    That "slam" is sure to go.
+  It strikes upon the tym-pa-num
+    Like shock of dynamite;
+  By day it nearly makes you dumb--
+    It deafens you at night.
+  When startled by the patent "slam"
+    The pious "pas-sen-jare,"
+  Says something else that ends in "am"
+    (Or he has patience rare).
+  Not only does it cause a shock,
+    But--Manchester remarks--
+  "Depreciates the rolling stock,"
+    Well, that is rather larks!
+  _That's_ not the point. The porter's slam
+    Conduces to insanity,
+  And, though as mild as Mary's lamb,
+    Drives men to loud profanity.
+  If Manchester the "slam" can stay
+    By raising of a stir,
+  All railway-travellers will say,
+    "Bully for Man-ches-ter!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND CVSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE IN 1849
+
+A raylway statyon. Showynge ye travellers refreshynge themselves.]
+
+MR. PIPS HIS DIARY
+
+_Tuesday, July 31, 1849._--Prevailed upon by my wife to carry her to
+Bath, as she said, to go see her aunt Dorothy, but I know she looked
+more to the pleasure of her trip than any thing else; nevertheless I do
+think it necessary policy to keep in with her aunt, who is an old maid
+and hath a pretty fortune; and to see what court and attention I pay her
+though I do not care 2_d._ about her! But am mightily troubled to know
+whether she hath sunk her money in an annuity, which makes me somewhat
+uneasy at the charge of our journey, for what with fare, cab-hire, and
+vails to Dorothy's servants for their good word, it did cost me
+altogether _£_6 2_s._ 6_d._ To the Great Western station in a cab, by
+reason of our luggage; for my wife must needs take so many trunks and
+bandboxes, as is always the way with women: or else we might have gone
+there for 2_s._ 6_d._ less in an omnibus. Did take our places in the
+first class notwithstanding the expense, preferring both the seats and
+the company; and also because if any necks or limbs are broken I note it
+is generally in the second and third classes. So we settled, and the
+carriage-doors slammed to, and the bell rung, the train with a whistle
+off like a shot, and in the carriage with me and my wife a mighty pretty
+lady, a Frenchwoman, and I did begin to talk French with her, which my
+wife do not well understand, and by and by did find the air too much for
+her where she was sitting, and would come and take her seat between us,
+I know, on purpose. So fell a reading the _Times_, till one got in at
+Hanwell, who seemed to be a physician, and mighty pretty discourse with
+him touching the manner of treating madmen and lunatics, which is now by
+gentle management, and is a great improvement on the old plan of chains
+and the whip. Also of the foulness of London for want of fit drainage,
+and how it do breed cholera and typhus, as sure as rotten cheese do
+mites, and of the horrid folly of making a great gutter of the river. So
+to Swindon station, where the train do stop ten minutes for refreshment,
+and there my wife hungry, and I too with a good appetite,
+notwithstanding the discourse about London filth. So we out, and to the
+refreshment-room with a crowd of passengers, all pushing, and jostling,
+and trampling on each others' toes, striving which should get served
+first. With much ado got a basin of soup for my wife, and for myself a
+veal and ham pie, and to see me looking at my watch and taking a
+mouthful by turns; and how I did gulp a glass of Guinness his stout!
+Before we had half finished, the guard rang the bell, and my wife with a
+start, did spill her soup over her dress, and was obliged to leave half
+of it; and to think how ridiculous I looked, scampering back to the
+train with my meat-pie in my mouth! To run hurry-skurry at the sound of
+a bell, do seem only fit for a gang of workmen; and the bustle of
+railways do destroy all the dignity of travelling; but the world
+altogether is less grand, and do go faster than formerly. Off again, and
+to the end of our journey, troubled at the soup on my wife's dress, but
+thankful I had got my change, and not left it behind me at the Swindon
+station.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NARCISSUS
+
+_Little Podgers (who considers himself rather a lady-killer)._ "Oh, I'm
+not going into that empty carriage; put me into one with some pretty
+gals."
+
+Porter. "You jump in, sir, and put yer 'ead out of the winder, you'll
+soon have a carriage-full."
+
+  [Podgers sees it immediately, and enters.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lionel (to his rich uncle's coachman, who has driven him
+over to the station)._ "And look here, Sawyer, give the governor this
+accidental insurance ticket with my love. I haven't forgotten him, and
+if anything happens to me, there's a thousand pounds for him!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON"
+
+_Guest._ "It's very kind of you to----"
+
+_Hosts._ "Oh, we should not have felt comfortable unless we'd come with
+you, and--seen the last of you----!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SMALL POTATOES.--_Q._ Why are regular travellers by the Shepherd's Bush
+and City Railway like certain vegetables?
+
+_A._ Because they're "Tubers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INOPPORTUNE
+
+_Newsboy (to irritable old gent who has just lost his train)._ "Buy a
+comic paper, sir?"
+
+  [_Luckily, the old gentleman was out of breath from his hurry._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TYMPANUM
+
+(_A Remonstrance at a Railway Station_)
+
+  The tympanum! The tympanum!
+  Oh! who will save the aural drum
+  By softening to some gentler squeak
+  The whistle's shrill _staccato_ shriek?
+  Oh! Engine-driver, did you know
+  How your blast smites one like a blow,
+  An inward shock, a racking strain,
+  A knife-like thrust of poignant pain,
+  Whilst groping through the tunnel murk
+  You would not with that fiendish jerk
+  Let out that _sudden_ blast of steam
+  Whose screaming almost makes _us_ scream
+  Thy whistle weird perchance may be
+  A sad and sore necessity,
+  But cannot Law and sense combine
+  To--well, in short to draw the line?--
+  Across the open let it shrill
+  From moor to moor, from hill to hill,
+  But in the tunnel's crypt-like gloom,
+  The station's cramped reverberant room,
+  A gentler, _graduated_ blast!
+  _Do_ let it loose, whilst dashing past,
+  So shall it spare us many a pang;
+  That dread explosive bursting "bang"
+  Which nearly splits the aural drum,
+  The poor long-suffering tympanum!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE BLOCK SYSTEM"
+
+_Affable Old Lady (to ticket clerk--morning express just due)._ "No, I'm
+not going up this morning, but one of your penny time-tables, if you
+please; and can you tell me"--(_Shouts from the crowd_, "Now then,
+mum!")--"if the 10.45 stops at Dribblethorp Junction, and if Shandry's
+'bus meets the trains, which it always does on market days, I know,
+'cause my married sister's cousin, as is a farmer, generally goes by it.
+But if it don't come o' Toosday as well as Wednesday, I shall have to
+get out at Shuntbury and take a fly, which runs into money, you know,
+when you're by yourself like. If you'll be good enough to look out the
+trains--and change for half a sovereign, if you please. Oh no, I'm in no
+hurry, as I ain't a goin' till next week. Fine morn----"
+
+  [_Bell rings. Position stormed._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WONDERS OF MODERN TRAVEL
+
+Wonder whether accidents will be as numerous as usual during this
+excursion season.
+
+Wonder if a train, conveying third-class passengers, was ever known to
+start without somebody or other exclaiming, "_Now_ we're off!"
+
+Wonder why it is that foreigners in general, and fat Germans in
+particular, always will persist in smoking with the windows shut.
+
+Wonder whether anybody was ever known to bellow out the name of any
+station in such a manner that a stranger could succeed in understanding
+him.
+
+Wonder whether it is cheaper to pay for broken bones, or for such
+increase of service as, in very many cases, might prevent their being
+broken.
+
+Wonder how a signalman can by any means contrive to keep a cool head on
+his shoulders, while working as one sees him in a signal-box of glass,
+and the temperature of the tropics.
+
+Wonder if upon an average there are three men in a thousand who have
+never been puzzled by the hieroglyphics in _Bradshaw_.
+
+Wonder whether any railway guard or porter has ever been detected in the
+very act of virtuously declining to accept a proffered tip, on the
+ground that money, by the bye-laws, is forbidden to be taken by servants
+of the company.
+
+Wonder how many odd coppers the boys who sell the newspapers pocket in a
+week by the benevolence of passengers.
+
+Wonder what diminution there would be in the frequency of accidents,
+supposing directors were made purse-onally liable.
+
+Wonder whether people take to living at Redhill because it is so
+redhilly accessible by railway.
+
+TO THE STATION.
+
+Wonder if my watch is right, or slow, or fast.
+
+Wonder if that church clock is right.
+
+Wonder if the cabman will take eighteenpence from my house to the
+station.
+
+THE STATION.
+
+Wonder if the porter understood what I said to him about the luggage.
+
+Wonder if I shall see him again.
+
+Wonder if I shall know him when I _do_ see him again.
+
+Wonder if I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab.
+
+Wonder where I take my ticket.
+
+Wonder in which pocket I put my gold.
+
+Wonder where I got that bad half-crown which the clerk won't take.
+
+Wonder if that's another that I've just put down.
+
+Wonder where the porter is who took my luggage.
+
+Wonder where my luggage is.
+
+Wonder again whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in
+the cab.
+
+Wonder which is my train.
+
+Wonder if the guard knows anything about that porter with the
+writing-case.
+
+Wonder if it _will_ be "all right" as the guard says it will be.
+
+Wonder if my luggage, being now labelled, will be put into the proper
+van.
+
+Wonder if I've got time to get a sandwich and a glass of sherry.
+
+Wonder if they've got the _Times_ of the day before yesterday, which I
+haven't seen.
+
+Wonder if _Punch_ of this week is out yet.
+
+Wonder why they don't keep nice sandwiches and sherry.
+
+Wonder if there's time for a cup of coffee instead.
+
+Wonder if that's our bell for starting.
+
+Wonder which is the carriage where I left my rug and umbrella, so as to
+know it again.
+
+Wonder where the guard is to whom I gave a shilling to keep a carriage
+for me.
+
+Wonder why he didn't keep it; by "it," I mean the carriage.
+
+Wonder where they've put my luggage.
+
+THE JOURNEY.
+
+Wonder if my change is all right.
+
+Wonder for the second time in which pocket I put my gold.
+
+Wonder if I gave the cabman a sovereign for a shilling.
+
+Wonder if that was the reason why he grumbled less than usual and drove
+off rapidly.
+
+Wonder if any one objects to smoking.
+
+Wonder that nobody does.
+
+Wonder where I put my lights.
+
+Wonder whether I put them in my writing-case.
+
+Wonder for the third time whether I gave my writing-case to the porter
+or left it in the cab.
+
+Wonder if anybody in the carriage has got any lights.
+
+Wonder that nobody has.
+
+Wonder when we can get some.
+
+Wonder if there's anything in the paper.
+
+Wonder why they don't cut it.
+
+Wonder if I put my knife in my writing-case.
+
+Wonder for the fourth time whether I gave, &c.
+
+Wonder if I can cut the paper with my ticket.
+
+Wonder where I put my ticket.
+
+Wonder where I _could_ have put my ticket.
+
+Wonder where the deuce I put my ticket.
+
+Wonder how I came to put my ticket in my right-hand waistcoat pocket.
+
+Wonder if I can read by this lamp-light in the tunnel.
+
+Wonder (to myself) why they don't light the carriages in a better way.
+
+Wonder (to my fellow-passengers) that the company don't provide better
+lights for their carriages. Fellow-passengers say they wonder at that,
+too. We all wonder.
+
+Wonder what makes the carriages wiggle-waggle about so.
+
+Wonder if we're going off the line.
+
+Wonder what station we stop at first.
+
+Wonder if there will be a refreshment-room there.
+
+Wonder (for the fifth time) whether I gave my writing-case to the
+porter, or left it in the cab.
+
+Wonder if I left the key of my writing-case in the lock.
+
+Wonder what the deuce I shall do if I've lost it.
+
+FIRST STATION.
+
+Wonder if this is Tringham or Upper Tringham.
+
+Wonder if it's Tringham Junction.
+
+Wonder if we change here for Stonnhurst.
+
+Wonder if any one understands what the guard says.
+
+Wonder if any one understands what the porter says.
+
+Wonder where the refreshment-room is.
+
+Wonder if I run across eight lines of rail, and over two platforms, to
+where I see the refreshment-room is, whether I shall ever be able to get
+back to my own carriage.
+
+Wonder (while I am crossing) whether any of the eight trains, on any of
+the eight lines, will come in suddenly.
+
+REFRESHMENT-ROOM.
+
+Wonder what's the best thing to take.
+
+Wonder whether soup's a good thing.
+
+Wonder whether the waiter heard me ask for soup, because I've changed my
+mind, and will have some tea.
+
+Wonder if the young lady at the counter knows that I've asked for tea,
+twice.
+
+Wonder if those buns are stale.
+
+Wonder if tea goes well with buns.
+
+Wonder what _does_ go with buns.
+
+Wonder, having begun on buns, whether it wouldn't have been better to
+ask for sherry.
+
+Wonder if this tea will ever be cool.
+
+Wonder if that's our bell for starting.
+
+Wonder if the young lady at the counter is deceiving me when she says
+I've got exactly a minute and a half.
+
+Wonder if anybody's looking at me while I put my tea in the saucer.
+
+Wonder if that _is_ our bell.
+
+Wonder if I shall have time to get back to my carriage.
+
+Wonder how much tea and buns come to.
+
+Wonder where I put my small change.
+
+Wonder, having nothing under half-a-crown, if I could get off without
+paying.
+
+Wonder they don't keep change ready.
+
+Wonder as I'm recrossing the lines whether any train will come in
+suddenly.
+
+THE PLATFORM.
+
+Wonder which is my carriage.
+
+Wonder (to guard familiarly) why they don't provide better lights for
+the carriages. Guard says, he wonders at that, too. Every one seems to
+wonder at that.
+
+Wonder (to guard again) if I can get a hot-water bottle for my feet
+anywhere. Guard wonders they don't keep 'em.
+
+Wonder (to guard once more) if I've time to go across the line, get my
+change out of the half-crown for buns and tea, and return to my
+carriage.
+
+Wonder if the guard is right in saying that we shall start directly.
+
+Wonder I forgot to ask the guard all about my luggage.
+
+THE CARRIAGE.
+
+Wonder, being safely in my seat, that there are not more accidents from
+people crossing the rails in a large station.
+
+Wonder why there's not a refreshment-room on either side.
+
+Wonder why they always come for your tickets after you've made yourself
+comfortable.
+
+Wonder where the dickens I put my ticket.
+
+Wonder, supposing I can't find it, whether the man will believe I ever
+had one.
+
+Wonder, on this matter being settled satisfactorily, which is the best
+pocket for keeping tickets in.
+
+Wonder why they can't shut the carriage-doors without banging them.
+
+THE JOURNEY (CONTINUED).
+
+Wonder if anybody thought of getting any lights.
+
+Wonder if I should have had time to cross over to the refreshment-room
+and get the change out of my half-crown.
+
+Wonder (to my opposite neighbour) what county we're passing through. He
+wonders, too. We both look out of our own side windows, and go on
+wondering.
+
+Wonder if that protracted shrill steam-whistle means danger. Opposite
+neighbour wonders if it does.
+
+Wonder why we're stopping; 'tisn't a station.
+
+Wonder what's the matter.
+
+Wonder what it is.
+
+Wonder what it _can_ be.
+
+Wonder if it's dangerous to put one's head out of window.
+
+Wonder if the engine has broken down.
+
+Wonder if there's anything on the line.
+
+Wonder if the express is behind us.
+
+Wonder if that man on the line is making a danger signal.
+
+Wonder (as we are moving again) what it was.
+
+Wonder passengers can't have some direct means of communicating with a
+guard.
+
+Wonder how long we shall be before we get to Stonnhurst.
+
+THE JOURNEY (CONCLUDED).
+
+Wonder if that's my portmanteau that that elderly gentleman is taking
+away with him.
+
+Wonder if they'll send to meet me at the station.
+
+Wonder (if they don't send) whether there's a fly or an omnibus.
+
+Wonder where their house is.
+
+Wonder if the station-master knows where their house is.
+
+Wonder what a fly will charge.
+
+Wonder what I shall do if they don't send, and there isn't a fly or an
+omnibus.
+
+Wonder what time they dine.
+
+Wonder if I shall have time to write a letter before dinner.
+
+Wonder, for the sixth time, whether I gave my writing-case to the guard,
+or left it in the cab.
+
+Wonder if I _did_ leave it in the cab.
+
+Wonder if this is where I get out.
+
+SMALL STATION.
+
+Wonder if the guard is right in saying that, as I'm going to Redditon,
+it doesn't matter whether I get out at the next station, Stonnhurst, or
+Morley Vale, the next but one.
+
+Wonder for which place my luggage was labelled.
+
+Wonder whether after getting out at Stonnhurst I shall have to go back
+for my luggage to Morley Vale.
+
+Wonder if I do right in deciding upon getting out at Stonnhurst.
+
+STONNHURST.
+
+Wonder if my luggage has gone on to Morley Vale.
+
+Wonder if I left my umbrella in the carriage, or forgot to bring it.
+
+Wonder how far it is from Stonnhurst to Morley Vale.
+
+Wonder if they've sent a trap to meet me at Morley Vale.
+
+Wonder why, when people invite one to come down to some out-of-the-way
+place, they don't tell one all these difficulties in their letter.
+
+Wonder if they'll have sense enough to drive to Stonnhurst from Morley
+Vale.
+
+Wonder if I shall meet them on the road if I walk there.
+
+Wonder which _is_ the road.
+
+Wonder, in answer to demand at the station-door, where I put my ticket.
+
+Wonder if I dropped it in the carriage.
+
+Wonder what I can have done with it.
+
+Wonder if I put it into the side pocket of my overcoat when I took out
+my lights.
+
+Wonder where the deuce my overcoat is.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_Chancery Lane "Tube" Station._
+
+_First Lift Man._ "A good time comin' for me, mate. What O, for a bit of
+a chinge!"
+
+_Second Lift Man._ "What's up, then?"
+
+_First Lift Man (in impressive tones)._ "Got shifted to the
+_Bank_--beginnin' Monday!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOND DELUSION
+
+_First Tourist (going north)._ "Hullo, Tompk----"
+
+_Second Ditto (ditto, ditto)._ "Hsh----sh! Confound it, you'll spoil
+all. They think in the train I'm a Highland chief!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOR LADIES ONLY
+
+"RESERVED CARRIAGES." (_See "Day by Day" in "Daily News"_)
+
+"If you travel in one, you run greater risks than in travelling in the
+ordinary carriages. I have known railway officials allow men to jump
+into them at the last moment before the train starts, with a mutual wink
+at each other and a very objectionable grin."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DISENCHANTMENT
+
+_Northern Croesus._ "Oh! I'm so glad to meet you here, Mr. Vandyke
+Brown. The fact is, I've a _commission_ for you!"
+
+_Our Youthful Landscape Painter (dissembling his rapture)._ "All
+right--most happy--what is it to be?"
+
+_Northern Croesus._ "Well--my aged grandmother is going to London by
+this train--and I want to put her under your protection."
+
+[_Our Youthful Landscape Painter dissembles again._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PATENT FIRST-CLASS COSTUME FOR THE COLLISION SEASON
+
+_Traveller._ "Yes, it's decidedly warm, but there's a feeling of
+security about it I rather like." (_Yawns._) "Any chance of a smash
+to-day!?"
+
+[_Drops off to sleep!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JUDGING BY APPEARANCES
+
+_Undersized Youth._ "Now then, first return, Surbiton, and look sharp!
+How much?"
+
+_Clerk._ "Three shillings. Half-price under twelve!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COLD COMFORT
+
+_Traveller (waiting for train already twenty minutes late)._ "Porter,
+when do you expect that train to come in?"
+
+_Porter._ "Can't say, sir. But the longer you waits for it, the more
+sure 'tis to come in the next minute."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE NURSERY SALOON ON THE RAILWAY"
+
+OUR ARTIST'S NOTION OF WHAT WE MAY EXPECT IF THE SUGGESTION WERE ADOPTED
+
+The saloon is  Patent swing      Rattles can  Efficient nurse  The saloon
+fitted with    sleeping cradles  be obtained  guards, to look  is fitted
+refreshment    can be secured    at most of   after the        with amusing
+bar, replete   by wire or        the large    babies, travel   toys, to
+with all baby  letter.           stations.    by all trains.   beguile
+delicacies.                                                    the tedium
+                                                               of long
+                                                               journeys.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RAILWAY PUZZLE
+
+To find the name of the station.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VICARIOUS!
+
+(_On the Underground Railway_)
+
+_Irascible Old Gentleman (who is just a second too late)._ "Confound and
+D----!"
+
+_Fair Stranger (who feels the same, but dare not express it)._ "Oh,
+thank you, _so_ much!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNDERGROUND RAILWAY
+
+_Old Lady._ "Well, I'm sure no woman with the least sense of decency
+would think of going down _that_ way to it."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REGULAR IRREGULARITY
+
+_Passenger (in a hurry)._ "Is this train punctual?"
+
+_Porter._ "Yessir, generally a quarter of an hour late to a minute!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Perspiring Countryman (who has just, with the utmost
+difficulty, succeeded in catching train)._ "Phew! Just saved it by
+t'skin o' my _teeth_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'TIS BETTER NOT TO KNOW"
+
+_Impudent Boy (generally)._ "Try yer weight--only a penny!" (_To lady of
+commanding proportions in particular._) "'Tell yer 'xact weight to a
+hounce, mum!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: APPALLING DISCLOSURES OVERHEARD BY AN OLD LADY IN THE
+CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO RUFFIANS IN A RAILWAY CARRIAGE.
+
+_First Artist._ "Children don't seem to me to sell now as they used."
+
+_Second Artist (in a hoarse whisper)._ "Well, I was at Stodge's
+yesterday. He'd just knocked off three little girls' heads--horrid raw
+things--a dealer came in, sir--bought 'em directly--took 'em away, wet
+as they were, on the stretchers, and wanted Stodge to let him have some
+more next week."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NECESSITIES OF LIFE
+
+"Yes, my lady. James went this morning with the hunters, and I've sent
+on the heavy luggage with Charles. But I've got your pencil-case, the
+bicycle, your ladyship's golf clubs and hunting crop and billiard cue,
+the lawn tennis racket, the bezique cards and markers, your ladyship's
+betting book and racing glasses and skates and walking-stick--and if
+I've forgotten anything I can easily wire back for it from the first
+station we stop at."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A STRIKING ATTITUDE
+
+Patience on a trunk waiting for a cab]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RAILWAY JUGGERNAUT OF 1845]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER A DERBY-WINNER-DINNER
+
+_Diner._ "Ticket."
+
+_Clerk._ "What station?"
+
+_Diner._ "Wha-stashun ve-you-got?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM"
+
+_Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last train, has wandered to the
+end of the platform, opened the door of the signal-box, and watched the
+signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments with hazy
+perplexity, suddenly)._ "Arf o' Burt'n 'n birrer f' me, guv'nor!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Third-class single to Ruswarp, please, and a dog ticket.
+How much?"
+
+"Fourpence-halfpenny--threepence for the dog, and three-halfpence for
+yourself."
+
+"Ah! you reckon by _legs_ on this line."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE QUESTION SETTLED
+
+_Mrs. M-l-pr-p._ "The fact is, my love, that these terrible collusions
+would never occur if the trains was only more punctilious!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEEDLESS PANIC.--Mrs. Malaprop is puzzled to know what people mean
+when they talk of the present alarming Junction of affairs. She hopes it
+has nothing to do with the railways, in which she has some Deference
+shares.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THOUGHT BY A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--Britannia used to rule the waves. She
+now rules the land--with lines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD HALL]
+
+(_A Story of Delusive Aspirations_)
+
+1. Jones was a tuft-hunter. One day, in a train, he encountered an
+elderly gentleman who aroused great interest in his bosom. "Porter,"
+said that elderly gentleman, "'ave you seen my old hall?" "Got an old
+hall!" murmured Jones to himself. "Rich man--probably duke! Should like
+to cultivate him!"
+
+2. The stranger was affable. "Did you ever 'ave an old hall?" he said.
+"Why--er--n-no," said Jones. "Very convenient thing to 'ave," said the
+stranger. "I've got all manner o' things in my old hall." "Ah--armour,
+and ancestors, and tapestry, and secret doors, no doubt," thought Jones
+to himself.
+
+3. "You must see my old hall," said the stranger. "I'll show you all the
+ins and outs of it. I can put you up----" "Really very good of you!"
+exclaimed Jones. "Shall be delighted to accept----" "Put you up to no
+hend of wrinkles about old halls," continued the stranger.
+
+4. They alighted at the terminus. "There--there's my old hall! Hain't it
+a beauty?" said the stranger. Jones sank slowly to the earth, without a
+groan. That ungrammatical stranger's vaunted possession was a hold-all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RULES FOR THE RAIL
+
+A REMINISCENCE OF THE BAD OLD DAYS
+
+The President of the Board of Trade having sent a circular to the
+railway companies with reference to making provisions for the prevention
+of accidents and the enforcement of punctuality, especially in
+connection with the running of excursion trains at this period of the
+year, the following regulations will probably come under consideration.
+
+1. In future one line will be kept (when feasible) for up trains, whilst
+the other is reserved for the use of down-trains. This rule will not
+apply to luggage and mineral trains, and trains inaccurately shunted on
+to lines on which they (the trains) have no right to travel.
+
+2. Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty
+minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts.
+
+3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these
+officers in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only.
+During the rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may
+suffer no inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue
+running by day and by night as heretofore.
+
+4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them.
+He will be required, before leaving his post (when on duty), to order
+one of his children to look after the points during his absence. The
+child he selects for this office should be at least three years old.
+
+5. The driver and stoker in charge of an engine should never sleep at
+the same time unless they have taken proper precautions beforehand to
+prevent an excessive consumption of the company's fuel.
+
+6. When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a
+station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express
+is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling
+stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-class
+passengers.
+
+7. The _débris_ of a train should be removed from the rails before an
+express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken
+place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to
+the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible.
+
+8. As guards of excursion trains have been proved to be useless, their
+places will in future be filled by surgeons. Passengers are particularly
+requested to give no fees to the surgeons accompanying these trains, as
+the salaries of these officials will be provided for in the prices
+charged to the public for excursion tickets.
+
+9. In future, contracts from surgeons and chemists will be accepted on
+the same terms as those already received from refreshment caterers.
+
+10. The public having frequently experienced inconvenience in having to
+leave the station when requiring medical attention, in future the
+waiting-rooms of the third-class passengers will be converted into
+surgeries for first-class passengers. As these saloons will be fitted
+with all the latest inventions in surgical instruments, a small extra
+charge will be made to passengers using them.
+
+11. The directors (in conclusion) fully recognising the responsibility
+conferred upon them by the shareholders, if not by the public, will
+expel from their body in future (as a person evidently of unsound mind)
+any director convicted of travelling by any railway.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ABOLITION OF SECOND-CLASS CARRIAGES
+
+"Are there any second-class carriages on this line, Rogers?"
+
+"No, my lord."
+
+"Ah! then take two first-class tickets, and two third."
+
+"Beg pardon, my lord! But is me and Mrs. Parker expected to go third
+class?"
+
+"Gracious heavens! No, Rogers! not for the world! The third-class
+tickets are for my lady and me!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The old lady is supposed (after a great effort) to have
+made up her mind to travel, just for once, by one "of those new fangled
+railways," and the first thing she beholds on arriving at the station,
+is the above most alarming placard.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TIME BY THE FORELOCK"!
+
+_Dodger._ "Hullo, how are you! Can't stop, though, or I shan't miss my
+train!"
+
+_Codger._ "Catch it, you mean."
+
+_Dodger._ "No, I don't. I always used to miss my right train, so now I
+always miss the one before it, and get home in time for dinner! Ta,
+ta!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: APRIL 1
+
+_Mamma._ "Oh, I am so glad to meet you, professor. You _know
+everything_. Do tell me what time the train that stops nowhere starts."
+[_For once the professor is not ready._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNNECESSARY REMARKS
+
+"What! Have you missed it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OVERCAST"
+
+They were out for a day in the country--were late at the station--he
+left it to her to take the tickets--a horrid crowd--frightfully hot--and
+she was hustled and flustered considerably when she reached the
+carriage.
+
+_He (cool and comfortable)._ "How charming the yellow gorse----"
+
+_She (in a withering tone)._ "You didn't 'xpect to see it blue, I
+s'ppose!"
+
+  [_Tacet!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DELIGHTFUL REMINISCENCE OF THE BOAT-RACE
+
+_Sweep (to a carriage full of light blue ribbons)._ "Won't yer make room
+for a little 'un, ladies and gents? I'm for the Cambridge lot!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIVILEGES OF HIGH RANK
+
+_Railway Gatesman._ "It's agin the rules, my lady, openin' o' the gate
+like this; but it ain't for the likes o' me to keep yer _ladyship_ a
+waitin'."
+
+_Noble Countess._ "Why is it against the rules, my good man?"
+
+_Railway Gatesman._ "Well, my lady, the 5.17 down express has been doo
+these ten minutes!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE NEWS"
+
+_Season-Ticket Holder (airily)._ "'Morning, station-master. Anything
+fresh?"
+
+_Station-Master ("bit of a wag")._ "N-no, sir, not that I've----
+ah!--yes--now I think of it, sir--that's fresh paint you're leaning
+agai----!"
+
+[_Violent pas seul, with language to match._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE
+
+  The man who got in at Blackfriars
+  Was smoking the foulest of briars,
+    But it went out all right--
+    Could I give him a light?--
+  Hadn't got one--well, all men are liars.
+
+  I've frequently noticed the Temple
+  Is a place there are not enough rhymes to;
+    And that's why I've made
+    This verse somewhat blank,
+  And rather disregarded the metre.
+
+  How _do_ you pronounce Charing Cross?
+  It's a point where I'm quite at a loss.
+    Some people, of course,
+    Would rhyme it with "horse,"
+  But I always rhyme it with "hoss."
+
+  A woman at Westminster Bridge
+  Had got just a speck on the ridge
+    Of her Romanesque nose.
+    "It's a black, I suppose,"
+  She observed. Then it flew--'twas a midge.
+
+  One man from the Park of St. James,
+  Had really the loftiest aims;
+    In the hat-rack he sat,
+    Used my hair as a mat,
+  And when I demurred called me names.
+
+  I bought from the stall at Victoria
+  A horrible sixpenny story, a
+    Book of a kind
+    It pained me to find
+  For sale at our English emporia.
+
+  I found when I got to Sloane Square
+  That my ticket was gone; my despair
+    Was awful to see,
+    Till at last to my glee
+  I looked in my hat--it was there!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A REAL GRIEVANCE
+
+_Porter at Junction._ "Phew! All this luggage registered in advance and
+not a bloomin' tip do I get for handling it."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO LIKELY!
+
+SCENE--_Bar of a railway refreshment-room._
+
+_Barmaid._ "Tea, sir?"
+
+_Mr. Boozy._ "Tea!!! ME!!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AS SHYLOCK SAID.--_Railway shareholder, with shares at a discount._
+"Give me my principal, and let me go."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SPEEDY RETRIBUTION
+
+_Small Boy._ "'Arf ticket ter Baker Street."
+
+[_Pays, and awaits delivery of ticket_
+
+_Clerk._ "It's a shameful thing, a kid like you smoking!"
+
+_Small Boy (indignantly)._ "Who are yer callin' a kid? I'm fourteen!"
+
+_Clerk._ "Oh, are you? Then you pay full fare to Baker Street!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A HINT TO RAILWAY TRAVELLERS
+
+By breathing on the glass--and holding a speaking doll by way of baby to
+the window--you may generally keep your compartment select.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE
+
+If you see half-a-dozen new patent leather covered basket-trunks with a
+name written upon all of them, in staring white characters, accompanied
+by a gigantic portmanteau and three hat-boxes, you may know that the
+Honourable Lionel and Rowena Silverspoon have started on their
+wedding-tour.
+
+If you see a weather-beaten portmanteau, accompanied by a neat little
+trunk and a pretty little birdcage, you may know that Edwin and Angelina
+Dovecot are going to Ventnor for the honeymoon.
+
+If you see a big carpet-bag, accompanied by a large white umbrella and a
+tin colour-box, you may know that Daub, A. R. A., is going to Brittany in
+search of subjects.
+
+If you see an overcrowded portmanteau, accompanied by a double-locked
+despatch-box, you may know that urgent private affairs have induced
+Captain Bubble (Promoter of Public Companies) to leave the City
+hurriedly for Spain.
+
+If you see a small bundle, accompanied by a pair of handcuffs, you may
+know that urgent public affairs have induced Sergeant Smart (of the
+Detective Police) to follow the same _route_ taken by Captain Bubble _en
+voyage_ for Spain.
+
+If you see twenty-four patent reversible extra waterproof holdalls, with
+all the latest improvements, painted blue, green, yellow, and red, and
+covered with hotel labels, accompanied by thirty-seven deal packing
+cases, you may know that Colonel Jerusalem R. X. E. Squash, U.S.A., and
+family are engaged in "doing" Europe.
+
+If you see fifteen trunks, all more or less damaged, accompanied by an
+old portmanteau and a double perambulator, you may know that Mr. and
+Mrs. Paterfamilias and children are going to Herne Bay for a month.
+
+If you see, in conclusion, a neat knapsack and a spiked walking-stick,
+you may know that _Mr. Punch_ is off to Switzerland to enjoy himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ADJUSTMENT
+
+_Our Station-Master (to old Jinks, whom he had kindly provided with a
+foot-warmer on a journey down the line to see his sick daughter)._
+"Well, did you find the benefit of it, Master Jinks?"
+
+_Old Jinks._ "Oh, aye, thankee, Mr. Green! Tha' there box o' hot water
+tha' wor uncommon' comfor'able, sure-ly! I sat on 'm the whol' o' the
+way, an' tha' did warm me up to-rights, I can tell 'ee!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Passenger._ "Well, you say you've put all my luggage
+safe, what are you waiting for?--I thought you were forbidden to take
+money!"
+
+_Porter._ "So we is, sir. We never 'takes' it--it's 'given to us!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LIMITED MALE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG FOR ENGINE-DRIVERS BEFORE A COLLISION.--"Whistle--and I'll come to
+you, my lad."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"READING between the lines" is a dangerous occupation--when there's a
+train coming.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HIGH-METALLED RACER.--A locomotive engine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DEFINITION WANTED
+
+"Beg pardon, sir, but don't you see the notice?"
+
+"Yes, my good fellow, but I never said I was a gentleman!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY SEASON TICKET
+
+  Ever against my breast,
+  Safe in my pocket pressed,
+  Ready at my behest,
+    Daintily pretty
+  Gilt-printed piece of leather,
+  Though fair or foul the weather,
+  Daily we go together
+    Up to the City.
+  Yet, as I ride at ease,
+  Papers strewn on my knees,
+  And I hear "Seasons, please!"
+    Shouted in warning:
+  Pockets I search in vain
+  All through and through again;
+  "Pray do not stop the train--
+    Lost it this morning.
+  No, I have not a card,
+  Nor can I pay you, guard--
+  Truly my lot is hard,
+    This is the reason,
+  Now I recall to mind
+  Changing my clothes, I find
+  I left them all behind,--
+    Money, cards, 'season.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE SOUTH-EASTERN COMPANY'S REFRESHMENT ROOMS.--"O Swallow,
+Swallow, flying, flying south!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN INQUIRING MIND
+
+"Is this _our_ train, aunty?"
+
+"No, dear."
+
+"Whose train is it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ["An 'Imperial Railway Administration' is now a part of
+Chinese bureaucracy."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+If China is to have railways, of course the dragon must enter into the
+design of the locomotives, &c., as above.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MASHONALAND RAILWAY
+
+["Sir Charles Metcalfe, the engineer, is now busy at Umtali arranging
+for the station at that place."--_Daily Telegraph._]
+
+Umtali station in the near future. The Boo-Boola express just due.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FLYING SCOTCHMAN]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT A RAILWAY STATION
+
+  Never the time and the train
+    And the station all together!
+  My watch--set "fast" in vain!
+    Slow cab--and foggy weather!
+  I have missed the express again.
+  It was all the porter's fault, not mine,
+    But his mind is narrow, his brain is bleak,
+  His slowness and red tape combine
+    To make him take about a week
+    To label my bag--and he dared to speak,
+    When I bade him hurry, bad words, in fine!
+    O epithet all incarnadine,
+      Leave, leave the lips of the working-man!
+                It is simply past
+                All bounds--aghast
+      My indignation scarce hold I can.
+    My watch may have helped to thus mislead,
+    My cab by the fog have been stayed indeed;
+    But still, however these things may be,
+    Out there on the platform wrangle we--
+    Oh, hot and strong slang I and he,
+              --I and he!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SYMPATHY
+
+_Passenger (in a whisper, behind his paper, to Wilkins, who had been
+"catching it" from the elder lady)._ "Mother-'n-law?"
+
+_Wilkins (in still fainter whisper)._ "Ye'"
+
+_Passenger._ "'Got just such 'nother!"
+
+  [_They console together at the next buffet._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROUGH'S RAILWAY GUIDE
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The ready rough may always regard a third-class carriage, or indeed, any
+carriage he can make his way into with or without a ticket, on the
+Underground Railway as a sort of travelling Alsatia, where brutal
+blackguardism finds "sanctuary."
+
+The one duty of a guard--as of a watch--is to "keep time." He is not
+expected to keep anything else, except tips. For instance he is not
+bound to keep his temper, or to keep on the look out for roughs.
+
+No one has a legal right to get into a carriage which is full, but then
+a third-class carriage never is full so long as one more brawny brute
+can violently force his way into it.
+
+When bent upon enjoying the exceptional privileges and immunities
+reserved for blackguardism by the Underground Gallios, it is only
+necessary for a few hulking ruffians, big of course, and half drunk by
+preference, to thrust themselves violently in some compartment
+containing no less than twice its legal complement. In doing this they
+will, of course, rudely trample the toes of weak women, and insolently
+dislodge the hats of inoffensive men; thus paving the way pleasantly for
+future operations.
+
+Having squeezed themselves in somehow, they can then further indulge in
+the lesser amenities of travel by puffing rank tobacco smoke in the
+faces of their fellow-passengers, expectorating at large with not too
+nice a reference to direction, and indulging in howling, chaff, and
+horse-play of the most offensive character.
+
+The addition of blasphemy, especially if there should be women and
+children present, may probably provoke a mild remonstrance from some
+one, and then the rough's opportunity has arrived at last.
+
+To particularise the rough's rules for dealing with such an objector and
+his sympathisers--if any--would be as tedious as superfluous; but the
+combined arts of the low pugilist, the intoxicated wife-beater, and the
+Lancashire "purler," may be called into play, with much enjoyment and
+perfect safety, until the object of his wrath is beaten into
+unconsciousness or kicked into convulsions. On reaching a station, the
+frightened passengers may perhaps dare to appeal to the guard! That
+autocratic official will of course, with much angry hustling and
+holloaing, declare that _he_ can't stop to interfere, _his_ business
+being, not to stay actual violence or prevent possible homicide, but to
+"keep time," and the ruffianly scoundrels go off shouting and singing
+"_Rule Britannia_" and telling their pals "what a bloomin' lark they've
+had in the Hunderground."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ticket Clerk._ "Where for, ma'am?"
+
+_Old Lady._ "There! Lawk a mercy if I haven't forgot. Oh! mister, please
+run over a few of the willages on this railway, will yer?"
+
+  [_Bell rings--Old Lady is swept away._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YE RAILWAY STATION DURING YE HOLIDAY TIME IN YE ROMAN
+PERIOD
+
+(From a rare old frieze (not) in ye British Museum)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WAR'S ALARMS"
+
+_Timorous Old Lady (in a twitter)._ "Are those cannon balls,
+station-master?"
+
+_Station-Master (compassionately)._ "Oh no, mu'm, they're only Dutch
+cheeses, 'm', come by the Rotterdam boat last night--that's all, mu'm!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAIDEN'S PRAYER
+
+A sketch at Aldersgate Street Station]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OBSTRUCTIONISTS IN A SMOKING CARRIAGE]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TERMINUS TRIOLETS
+
+_At Charing Cross._
+
+  To Paris by the tidal train.
+    Here, register this luggage, quick!
+  Why, all the world seems going, Jane,
+  To Paris by the tidal train.
+  It's blowing quite a hurricane;
+    I hope, my love, you won't be sick.
+  To Paris by the tidal train.
+    Here, register this luggage, quick!
+
+_At Euston._
+
+  By Jove, I've run it precious near,
+    Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!
+  Look sharp, now, porter, for it's clear,
+  By Jove, I've run it precious near.
+  Holloa!--that gun-case--hand it here,
+    The hat-box in the van can go.
+  By Jove, I've run it precious near!
+    Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!
+
+_At Liverpool Street._
+
+  Six wholes, three halves, all second class.
+    The baby, mind, you might have killed her.
+  Oh, policeman, please to let us pass!
+  Six wholes, three halves, all second class,
+  To Yarmouth. What a madd'ning mass
+    Of people. Do come on, Matilda.
+  Six wholes, three halves, all second class.
+    The baby, mind, you might have killed her.
+
+_At Victoria._
+
+  Two first, return, to Brighton, please.
+    Oh, yes--we'll go in Pullman's car.
+  I like to travel at my ease;
+  Two first, return, to Brighton, please.
+  We're running down to breathe the breeze,
+    I can't from business go too far.
+  Two first, return, to Brighton, please.
+    Oh, yes--we'll go in Pullman's car.
+
+_At Paddington._
+
+  Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray;
+    Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?
+  How could he know we're wed to-day?
+  Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.
+  My darling, hide that white bouquet;
+    My head with champagne fumes is spinning.
+  Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.
+    Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?
+
+_At Waterloo._
+
+  Good-bye my boy; just one kiss more;
+    You'll write to mother now and then?
+  A sign from sea is sweet on shore,
+  Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more.
+  Nay, don't you cry, dear, I implore,
+    Red eyes are never meant for men.
+  Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more;
+    You'll write to mother now and then?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "The last link is broken that bound me to thee"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Railway Book, edited by J. A. Hammerton
+
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+
+  .inline              {border: none; vertical-align: middle;}
+
+    pre      {font-size: 75%; }
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Railway Book, edited by J. A. Hammerton
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch's Railway Book
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: PHIL MAY,
+             GEORGE DU MAURIER,
+             CHARLES KEENE,
+             JOHN LEECH,
+             SIR JOHN TENNIEL,
+             E. T. REED,
+             L. RAVENHILL,
+             J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
+             REGINALD CLEAVER,
+             AND MANY OTHER HUMOROUS ARTISTS
+
+Release Date: January 21, 2011 [EBook #35027]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<br />
+<h3>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.</h3>
+
+<center>Some pages of this work have been moved from the original
+sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption.
+The page numbering remains unaltered.</center>
+<br />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_cover" id="Page_cover">[Cover]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_cover.png">
+<img src="images/i_cover.png" width="100%" alt="cover" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+
+<h1>MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK</h1>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_002b.png">
+<img src="images/i_002b.png" width="100%" alt="Mr P at station" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<h3>PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3>
+
+<center>Edited by <span class="smcap">J. A. Hammerton</span><br /><br />
+
+Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day.</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_003.png">
+<img src="images/i_003.png" width="100%" alt="READING BETWEEN THE LINES" /></a>
+<h3>"READING BETWEEN THE LINES"</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK</h3>
+
+<h4><i>WITH 160 ILLUSTRATIONS</i></h4>
+
+<h4>BY</h4>
+
+<center>PHIL MAY,<br />
+GEORGE DU MAURIER,<br />
+CHARLES KEENE,<br />
+JOHN LEECH,<br />
+SIR JOHN TENNIEL,<br />
+E. T. REED,<br />
+L. RAVENHILL,<br />
+J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,<br />
+REGINALD CLEAVER,<br />
+AND MANY OTHER HUMOROUS ARTISTS<br />
+</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i_004.png">
+<img src="images/i_004.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<center>PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"</center>
+
+<h4>THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.</h4>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Punch Library of Humour</span></h3>
+
+<center><i>Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated</i><br /><br />
+
+LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY<br />
+LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS<br />
+SCOTTISH HUMOUR<br />
+IRISH HUMOUR<br />
+COCKNEY HUMOUR<br />
+IN SOCIETY<br />
+AFTER DINNER STORIES<br />
+IN BOHEMIA<br />
+AT THE PLAY<br />
+MR. PUNCH AT HOME<br />
+ON THE CONTINONG<br />
+RAILWAY BOOK<br />
+AT THE SEASIDE<br />
+MR. PUNCH AFLOAT<br />
+IN THE HUNTING FIELD<br />
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR<br />
+WITH ROD AND GUN<br />
+MR. PUNCH AWHEEL<br />
+BOOK OF SPORTS<br />
+GOLF STORIES<br />
+IN WIG AND GOWN<br />
+ON THE WARPATH<br />
+BOOK OF LOVE<br />
+WITH THE CHILDREN<br />
+</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A WORD AT STARTING</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i_006.png">
+<img src="images/i_006.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Only</span> a few years before <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> began his long and brilliant career
+had passenger trains and a regular system of railway travelling come
+into existence. In his early days it was still very much of a novelty to
+undertake a journey of any length by train; a delightful uncertainty
+prevailed not only as to the arrival at a given destination, but equally
+as to getting away from a starting-place. Naturally, the pens and
+pencils of his clever contributors were then frequently in use to
+illustrate the humours of railway travel, and even down to the present
+time <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> has not failed to find in the railway and its
+associations "a source of innocent merriment."</p>
+
+<p>It must be admitted that some thirty years ago the pages of <span class="smcap">Punch</span>
+literally teemed with biting satires on the management of our railways,
+and the fact that his whole-hearted denunciations of the inefficient
+service, the carelessness which resulted in frequent accidents, the
+excessive charges, the inadequate accommodation, could have been allowed
+to pass without numerous actions for libel, is proof of the enormous
+advantages which the present generation<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> enjoys in this great matter of
+comfortable, rapid and inexpensive transit. Where <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> in his
+wrath, as voicing the opinion of the public, was wont to ridicule and
+condemn the railways and all associated therewith, we to-day are as
+ready, and with equal reason, to raise our voice in praise. But ridicule
+is ever a stronger impulse to wit than is appreciation, and in these
+later days when we are all alive to the abounding merits of our railway
+system <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> has had less to say about it. If we were to cull from
+his pages written in the days of his wrath we might be held guilty of
+presenting a gross travesty of the conditions now obtaining. Thus it is
+that in one or two cases only have we retained passages from his earlier
+chronicles, such as "Rules for the Rail" and "The Third-Class
+Traveller's Petition," which have some historical value as reminders
+that the railway comfort of the present day presents a remarkable
+contrast to the not very distant past.</p>
+
+<p>To-day every member of the community may be regarded as a railway
+traveller, so large a part does the railway play in modern life; and it
+will be admitted that, with all our improvements, the element of humour
+has not been eliminated from our comings and goings by train. We trust
+it never may. Here, then, is a compilation of the "best things,"
+literary and pictorial, that have appeared in <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch's</span> pages on the
+subject, and with his cheery presence as our guard, let us set forth
+upon our excursion into the Realm of Fun!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK</h2>
+
+<h2>RAILWAY JOKES</h2>
+
+<center><i>As Played Daily on the Principal Lines</i></center>
+
+<p><i>Turning Business into Pleasure.</i>&mdash;Take a traveller pressed for time,
+and induce him to enter a train supposed to be in correspondence with
+another train belonging to another line, and by which other train the
+traveller proposes to proceed to his destination. As the first train
+arrives at the junction, start off the second train <i>en route</i> for Town.
+The dismay of the traveller when he finds his journey interrupted will
+be, to say the least, most mirth-moving.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Panic-stricken Passengers.</i>&mdash;Allow an express train to arrive at
+the station of a rival company two hours behind its time. The travellers
+will, of course, be anxious to learn the cause of the delay, and will
+(again of course) receive no sort of information on the subject from
+the servants of the rival company. Should there be any nervous ladies in
+the train, the fun will become fast and furious.</p>
+
+<p><i>A Lark in the Dark.</i>&mdash;Start a train ten minutes late, and gradually
+lose time until it arrives in the middle of a long tunnel, and then stop
+the engine. Stay where you are for half an hour, whistling and letting
+off steam every now and then, to increase the excitement. Should it be
+known in the train that an express is due on the line of rails already
+occupied by the carriages, the humour of the situation will be greatly
+improved. Before playing this joke, it will be as well to lock the
+carriage-doors, and to carefully sever the cord of communication
+existing (on some lines) between the passengers and the guard.</p>
+
+<p><i>A Comical Meal.</i>&mdash;On a long journey promise that the train shall stop
+at a stated station ten minutes for refreshments. Lose time in the
+customary manner, and allow the train to arrive at the stated station
+half an hour late. Permit the passengers to descend and to enter the
+refreshment-rooms. The moment they are served, drive them back hurriedly
+into the carriages with the threat that if they are not immediately
+seated in their places they will be left behind. When the passengers are
+once more in their compartments, the carriage-doors should be securely
+locked, and the train can then remain waiting beside the platform for
+three-quarters of an hour.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Strange Companions.</i>&mdash;Invite ladies and gentlemen to travel in a
+first-class carriage. When the compartment is a third full, over-fill it
+with "merry" excursionists holding third-class tickets. The contrast
+between the "merriment" of the excursionists and the disgust of the
+ladies and gentlemen will be found a source of never-ending amusement.</p>
+
+<p><i>A Wholesome Joke (added by Mr. Punch and suggested to the
+Passengers).</i>&mdash;Whenever you find yourselves subjected to the "fun" of
+the railway officials, write to the newspapers and obtain a summons
+against the directors of the company which you believe to be in fault.
+<i>Verb. sap.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_009.png">
+<img src="images/i_009.png" width="100%" alt="I&#39;m thirteen at home" /></a>
+<p>"Half third return to Brixton, please."</p>
+<p>"Half! What's your age?"</p>
+<p>"I'm thirteen at home; but I'm only nine and a half on railways."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_010.png">
+<img src="images/i_010.png" width="100%" alt="&#39;Ullo Cocky, where &#39;ave you been" /></a>
+<p><i>Friend (to minor rail official at provincial station)</i>
+"'Ullo Cocky, where 'ave you been all this time?"</p>
+<p><i>Minor R.O. (with dignity).</i> "Oh I had to go up on duty for the Naval Review at Spit'ead, I 'ad."</p>
+<p><i>Friend (impressed).</i> "Ah! Fine sight I expect it wur?"</p>
+<p><i>Minor R.O.</i> "Well, I can't say as I <i>saw much of it. I war taking the tickets at Vaux'all!"</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_011.png">
+<img src="images/i_011.png" width="100%" alt="AN EXCITING TIME" /></a>
+<h3>AN EXCITING TIME</h3>
+<p>Poor Jones is convinced that his worst fears are at last realised, and
+he is left alone with a <i>dangerous lunatic!!</i> (It was only little
+Wobbles running anxiously over the points of his coming speech to the
+electors of Plumpwell-on-Tyme!!)</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_012.png">
+<img src="images/i_012.png" width="100%" alt="TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN" /></a>
+<h3>A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN</h3>
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>A third-class carriage.</i> <span class="smcap">Time</span>&mdash;<i>Three hours before the next
+station.</i> <span class="smcap">Dramatis Personæ</span>&mdash;<i>Jones and Robinson.</i></p>
+<p>"It's the <i>last!</i>&mdash;and it's a Tändstickor. It'll only strike on the
+box!"</p>
+<p>"Strike it on the box, then;&mdash;but for Heaven's sake, be careful!"</p>
+<p>"Yes; but, like a fool, I've just pitched the box out of window!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_013.png">
+<img src="images/i_013.png" width="100%" alt="SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE" /></a>
+<h3>"WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &amp;c.</h3>
+<p><i>Passenger (in second class).</i> "I think I've got into the wrong
+carriage."</p>
+<p><i>Ticket Inspector (sternly).</i> "The difference must be paid!"</p>
+<p><i>Passenger (triumphantly).</i> "Oh, just so! Then I'll trouble you for
+three shillings&mdash;I've a first-class ticket!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_014.png">
+<img src="images/i_014.png" width="100%" alt="not even a copper" /></a>
+<h3>A REMINDER</h3>
+<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "Now, porter, you're quite sure you've put all my luggage
+in?&mdash;the big portmantle and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "All right, mum."</p>
+<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "And you're certain I've not left anything behind&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "No, mum, not even a copper!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_015.png">
+<img src="images/i_015.png" width="100%" alt="NOTES OF TRAVEL" /></a>
+<h3>NOTES OF TRAVEL</h3>
+<center><i>The Cunard "Special" full speed for London</i></center><br />
+<p><i>John Bull (of the World in general).</i> "There is nothing to be alarmed
+at. Surely your American trains go much faster than this?"</p>
+<p><i>Jonathan (from the West in particular).</i> "Why, yaas. But 'tain't that.
+I'm afeard it'll run off your darned little island!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_016.png">
+<img src="images/i_016.png" width="100%" alt="Impatient Traveller" /></a>
+<p><i>Impatient Traveller.</i> "Er&mdash;how long will the next train
+be, portah?"</p>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "Heaw long? Weel, sir ah dunno heaw ah con saay to hauf an
+inch. Happen there'll be fower or five co-aches an' a engine or soa."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_017.png">
+<img src="images/i_017.png" width="100%" alt="THE LEVEL CROSSING" /></a>
+<h3>THE LEVEL CROSSING</h3>
+<p>"Are there no more trains this evening on the up line, porter?"</p>
+<p>"No, mum."</p>
+<p>"And no more trains on the down line?"</p>
+<p>"No, mum."</p>
+<p>"Is there no <i>special</i> train?"</p>
+<p>"No, mum."</p>
+<p>"Nor an <i>excursion</i> train?"</p>
+<p>"No, mum. The gates are to for the rest of the evening."</p>
+<p>"You're quite sure?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, mum."</p>
+<p>"Then come, Amelia. We can cross the line!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_018.png">
+<img src="images/i_018.png" width="100%" alt="Is this a smoking compartment" /></a>
+<p><i>Old Maid.</i> "Is this a smoking compartment, young man?"</p>
+<p><i>Obliging Passenger.</i> "No, mum. 'Igher up!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE MISSING SPINSTER</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">You may boast your great improvements,</p>
+<p class="i0">Your inventions and your "movements,"</p>
+<p class="i2">For those who stay at home, and those who travel;</p>
+<p class="i0">But arrangements for the latter</p>
+<p class="i0">Are so complex, that the matter</p>
+<p class="i0">Makes them dotty as a hatter</p>
+<p class="i10">To unravel.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">There was once an ancient lady</p>
+<p class="i0">Whom we knew as Miss O'Grady,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who was asked to spend the autumn down at Trew.</p>
+<p class="i0">So in fear and trepidation</p>
+<p class="i0">She sought out her destination,</p>
+<p class="i0">And betook her to the station&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">Waterloo.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">She took her little ticket</p>
+<p class="i0">And she did not fail to stick it</p>
+<p class="i2">With half-a-dozen coppers in her glove.</p>
+<p class="i0">Another moment found her</p>
+<p class="i0">With a plenty to astound her&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">For she'd notice-boards all round her,</p>
+<p class="i10">And above!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So she studied every number</p>
+<p class="i0">On those sign-posts that encumber</p>
+<p class="i2">All the station; and she learned them one by one;</p>
+<p class="i0">But she found the indication</p>
+<p class="i0">Of the platforms of the station</p>
+<p class="i0">Not much use as information</p>
+<p class="i10">When she'd done.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">In her shocking state of fluster</p>
+<p class="i0">Little courage could she muster,</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet of porters she accosted one or two;</p>
+<p class="i0">But, too shy to claim attention,</p>
+<p class="i0">And too full of apprehension,</p>
+<p class="i0">She could get no one to mention</p>
+<p class="i10">"Which for Trew."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So she trudged through every station&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">"North," "South," "Main,"&mdash;in quick rotation,</p>
+<p class="i2">And then she gave a trial to the "Loop";</p>
+<p class="i0">Like some hapless new Pandora</p>
+<p class="i0">She sat down a-gasping for a</p>
+<p class="i0">Little hope to live on&mdash;or a</p>
+<p class="i10">Plate o' soup.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i10">* * * * *</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">'Mid the bustle and the hissing</p>
+<p class="i0">An old maiden lady's "Missing"&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">In some corner of the complicated maze;</p>
+<p class="i0">And round about she's gliding</p>
+<p class="i0">In unwilling, hideous hiding,</p>
+<p class="i0">On the platform, loop, or siding,</p>
+<p class="i10">In a craze.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And still they cannot find her,</p>
+<p class="i0">For she leaves no trace behind her</p>
+<p class="i2">At Vauxhall, Clapham Junction, Waterloo;</p>
+<p class="i0">But she passes like a comet</p>
+<p class="i0">With the myst'ry of Mahomet&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Her course unknown&mdash;and from it</p>
+<p class="i10">Not a clue!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_020.png">
+<img src="images/i_020.png" width="100%" alt="was this your&#39;n?" /></a>
+<h3>MOST OFFENSIVE</h3>
+<p><i>Railway Porter.</i> "If you please, sir, was this your'n?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_021.png">
+<img src="images/i_021.png" width="100%" alt="HINT TO STATION-MASTERS" /></a>
+<h3>A RAILWAY COLLUSION&mdash;A HINT TO STATION-MASTERS</h3>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "Now, then, Bill! are you off?"</p>
+<p><i>Cab Ruffian.</i> "No; what sort of fare is it?"</p>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "Single gent, with small bag."</p>
+<p><i>Ruffian.</i> "Oh, <i>he</i> won't do! Can't yer find us a old lady and two
+little gals with lots o' boxes? I'm good for a pint!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_022.png">
+<img src="images/i_022.png" width="100%" alt="CHANGELINGS" /></a>
+<h3>CHANGELINGS; OR, A STORY WITHOUT (POLITE) WORDS.</h3>
+<p>"Them's the only dogs as come by this train, sir. The guard says as 'ow
+there was three sportin' dogs, as 'ad ate their label off, wot's gone on
+by the Scotch Express."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Rather 'Cute.</span>&mdash;<i>Small but Sharp Passenger.</i> "Look here! You didn't give
+me the right change just now!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Clerk.</i> "Too late, sir! You should have spoken when you took your
+ticket!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Passenger.</i> "<i>Should</i> I? Well, it's of no consequence to me; but you
+gave me half-a-sovereign too much! Ta-ta!"     <i>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[Exit.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>UNDERGROUND STUDIES</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_024a.png">
+<img src="images/i_024a.png" width="100%" alt="SMOKING COMPARTMENT" /></a>
+<h3>SMOKING COMPARTMENT</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_024b.png">
+<img src="images/i_024b.png" width="100%" alt="WAIT TILL THE TRAIN STOPS" /></a>
+<h3>WAIT TILL THE TRAIN STOPS</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_024c.png">
+<img src="images/i_024c.png" width="100%" alt="THIRD CLASS. TO SEAT SIX" /></a>
+<h3>THIRD CLASS. TO SEAT SIX</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_025.png">
+<img src="images/i_025.png" width="100%" alt="UNDERGROUND RAILWAYS" /></a>
+<h3>THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAYS</h3>
+<p><i>Stoker.</i> "Wery sorry to disturb yer at supper, ladies, but could yer
+oblige me with a scuttle o' coals for our engine, as we've run short of
+'em this journey?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>REPARTEES FOR THE RAILWAY</h2>
+
+<p>"No smoking allowed." Of course, but I am going to enjoy my cigar in
+silence.</p>
+
+<p>"Want the window closed." Very sorry, but I can't find a cathedral.</p>
+
+<p>"Find my journal a nuisance." Dear me! was under the impression it was a
+newspaper.</p>
+
+<p>"Allow you to pass." Afraid only the Secretary can manage that for you;
+he alone has power to issue free tickets.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Do I mind the draught?" Not when I am attending to the chessman.</p>
+
+<p>"Do I know the station?" Of the people on the platform? Probably lower
+middle class.</p>
+
+<p>"Is this right for Windsor?" Yes, if it's not left for somewhere else.</p>
+
+<p>"Are we allowed five minutes for lunch?" Think not; but you can have
+sandwiches at the counter.</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't this first-class?" Quite excellent&mdash;first-rate&mdash;couldn't be
+better!</p>
+
+<p>"I want to go second." Then you had better follow me.</p>
+
+<p>"I am third." Indeed! And who were first and second.</p>
+
+<p>"I think this must be London." Very likely, if it is, it mustn't be
+anywhere else.</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">The Way of the Whirled.</span>&mdash;The rail-way.</center><br />
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Very Hard Lines.</span>"&mdash;The railways.</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_026.png">
+<img src="images/i_026.png" width="100%" alt="RAILWAY AMALGAMATION" /></a>
+<h3>RAILWAY AMALGAMATION&mdash;A PLEASANT STATE OF THINGS</h3>
+<p><i>Passenger.</i> "What's the matter, guard?"</p>
+<p><i>Guard (with presence of mind).</i> "Oh, nothing particular, sir. We've
+only run into an excursion train!"</p>
+<p><i>Passenger.</i> "But, good gracious! there's a train just behind us, isn't
+there?"</p>
+<p><i>Guard.</i> "Yes, sir! But a boy has gone down the line with a signal; and
+it's very likely they'll see it!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES.</h2>
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_028a.png">
+<img src="images/i_028a.png" width="100%" alt="METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_028b.png">
+<img src="images/i_028b.png" width="100%" alt="METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES" /></a>
+</div></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td align="center">The party that <i>never</i> says, "Thank you!"
+</td>
+<td align="center" >The party that <i>always</i> says, "Thank you!"
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<center>When you open the door, shut the window, or give up your seat for her.</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE THIRD-CLASS TRAVELLER'S PETITION</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Pity the sorrows of a third-class man,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whose trembling limbs with snow are whitened o'er,</p>
+<p class="i0">Who for his fare has paid you all he can:</p>
+<p class="i2">Cover him in, and let him freeze no more!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">This dripping hat my roofless pen bespeaks,</p>
+<p class="i2">So does the puddle reaching to my knees;</p>
+<p class="i0">Behold my pinch'd red nose&mdash;my shrivell'd cheeks:</p>
+<p class="i2">You should not have such carriages as these.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">In vain I stamp to warm my aching feet,</p>
+<p class="i2">I only paddle in a pool of slush;</p>
+<p class="i0">My stiffen'd hands in vain I blow and beat;</p>
+<p class="i2">Tears from my eyes congealing as they gush.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Keen blows the wind; the sleet comes pelting down,</p>
+<p class="i2">And here I'm standing in the open air!</p>
+<p class="i0">Long is my dreary journey up to Town,</p>
+<p class="i2">That is, alive, if ever I get there.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oh! from the weather, when it snows and rains,</p>
+<p class="i2">You might as well, at least, defend the poor;</p>
+<p class="i0">It would not cost you much, with all your gains:</p>
+<p class="i2">Cover us in, and luck attend your store.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_029.png">
+<img src="images/i_029.png" width="100%" alt="A CAUTION" /></a>
+<h3>A CAUTION</h3>
+<p>No wonder Miss Lavinia Stitchwort thought the people very rude at the
+station when she went for her "water-proof" (which she had lost on the
+railway some time before). She found out when she got home she had not
+removed the "unclaimed property" label!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_030.png">
+<img src="images/i_030.png" width="100%" alt="travelling at a fearful pace" /></a>
+<p><i>Nervous Party.</i> "The train seems to be travelling at a
+fearful pace, ma'am."</p>
+<p><i>Elderly Female.</i> "Yus, ain't it? My Bill's a-drivin' of the ingin, an'
+'e <i>can</i> make 'er go when 'e's got a drop o drink in 'im!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Origin of Railways.</span>&mdash;The first idea of railways is of very ancient date, for we
+hear of the Great Norman line immediately after the Conquest.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Railway News.</span>&mdash;There is an old lady who says, that she always likes to
+travel by a trunk line, because then she feels confidence about the
+safety of her luggage.</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Railway Coupling.</span>"&mdash;When the porter marries the young lady in the
+refreshment department.</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%">
+<a href="images/i_032.png">
+<img src="images/i_032.png" width="100%" alt="THE FIRST &quot;BRADSHAW&quot;" /></a>
+<h3>THE FIRST "BRADSHAW"</h3>
+<p>A reminiscence of Whitsun Holidays in Ancient Egypt. From an old-time
+tabl(e)ature</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Railway Reform.</span>&mdash;Compartments to be reserved for ladies over and under a
+certain age.</p>
+
+<p>As there will invariably be compartments for those who smoke, so also
+for those who snuff. The former will be labelled as usual "for Smokers,"
+the latter "for Snuffers." The last-mentioned will be tried as far as
+Hampton Wick.</p>
+
+<p>The "Sleeping Cars" will be divided into "Snorers" and "Non-Snorers."
+Tickets will be issued subject to these regulations.</p>
+
+<p>It is important to the Shareholders to know that on and after the
+abolition of the Second Class, the motto of the Company will be "No
+Returns."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Plutocrat.</span>&mdash;<i>Swell.</i> "'Dyou oblige me&mdash;ah&mdash;by shutting your
+window?&mdash;ah&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Passenger (politely).</i> "Really, sir, if you will not press it,
+as yours is shut, the air is so warm I would rather keep this open. You
+seem to take great care of yourself, sir&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>Swell.</i> "Care of myself! Should wather think so. So would you, my dear
+fel-lah, if you'd six thousand a ye-ar!!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE SLOW TRAIN</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">On Southern lines the trains which crawl</p>
+<p class="i2">Deliberately to and fro</p>
+<p class="i0">Make life a burden; of them all</p>
+<p class="i2">This is the slowest of the slow.</p>
+<p class="i0">Impatiently condemned to bear</p>
+<p class="i2">What is indeed an awful bore,</p>
+<p class="i0">I've seemed to be imprisoned there</p>
+<p class="i10">Three days, or more.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The angry passengers complain;</p>
+<p class="i2">Of new electric cabs they talk.</p>
+<p class="i0">They sit and swear at such a train,</p>
+<p class="i2">And ask, "Shall we get out and walk?"</p>
+<p class="i0">It's true the time seems extra long</p>
+<p class="i2">When spent in such a wretched way,</p>
+<p class="i0">My calculation may be wrong&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">Three hours, say.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The other day I had to come</p>
+<p class="i2">By this slow train, but facing me</p>
+<p class="i0">Was no old buffer, dull and dumb;</p>
+<p class="i2">I chatted with my vis-à-vis.</p>
+<p class="i0">A pretty smile, a pretty dress,</p>
+<p class="i2">Gay spirits no fatigue could crush;</p>
+<p class="i0">With her it was a quick express,</p>
+<p class="i10">Three minutes' rush.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">For once I sadly left the train,</p>
+<p class="i2">For once the time too quickly passed.</p>
+<p class="i0">I still could angrily complain,</p>
+<p class="i2">Why travel so absurdly fast?</p>
+<p class="i0">At lightning speed that special went</p>
+<p class="i2">(I'd paid the ordinary fare),</p>
+<p class="i0">Now looking back it seems we spent</p>
+<p class="i10">Three seconds there.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_034.png">
+<img src="images/i_034.png" width="100%" alt="BANK HOLIDAY SKETCH" /></a>
+<h3>A BANK HOLIDAY SKETCH</h3>
+<p><i>Facetious Individual (from carriage window).</i> "Change 'ere, 'ave we?
+Then kindly oblige me with a sardine-opener!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Wednesbury Station.</span>&mdash;<i>First Collier.</i> "Trains leave for Birmingham,
+10.23 a.m., 6.23 p.m."</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Collier.</i> "What's p.m.?"</p>
+
+<p><i>First Do.</i> "A penny a mile, to be sure."</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Do.</i> "Then, what's a.m.?"</p>
+
+<p><i>First Do.</i> "Why, that must be a a'penny a mile."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_036.png">
+<img src="images/i_036.png" width="100%" alt="RAILWAY LUXURIES" /></a>
+<h3>RAILWAY LUXURIES</h3>
+<p><i>Excursionist.</i> "I say&mdash;'ere! This water's full o'crumbs!"</p>
+<p><i>Aquarius.</i> "That ain't crumbs! That's only the sawdust off the hice!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>RAILWAY AND SOCIAL SYNONYMS</h2>
+
+<p><i>'Traction Engines.</i>&mdash;Too many Girls of the Period.</p>
+
+<p><i>Truck-Trains.</i>&mdash;Most marriage processions at St. George's, Hanover
+Square.</p>
+
+<p><i>Continuous Brakes.</i>&mdash;The results of lodging house attendance.</p>
+
+<p><i>Changing Lines.</i>&mdash;What we often see after the honeymoon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Shunted on to a Siding.</i>&mdash;Paterfamilias when Baby appears.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_037.png">
+<img src="images/i_037.png" width="100%" alt="Man reading newspaper" /></a>
+<p>A party who is quite in favour of light railways for town
+and country.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_038.png">
+<img src="images/i_038.png" width="100%" alt="OUR COUNTRY COUSINS" /></a>
+<h2>OUR COUNTRY COUSINS</h2>
+<p><i>The Gushington girls have just arrived by rail, and are inhaling the
+odours of an average London terminus.</i></p>
+<p><i>Miss Milly Gushington.</i> "Wait a bit, uncle." (<i>Sniff.</i>) "Oh, isn't it
+lovely, Hilly? Doesn't it just <i>smell</i> of the season?"</p>
+<p><i>Miss Hilly Gushington.</i> "Don't speak about it&mdash;only sniff!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE TOURIST'S ALPHABET</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Railway Edition</i>)</center><br />
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">A is the affable guard whom you square:</p>
+<p class="i0">B is the <i>Bradshaw</i> which leads you to swear:</p>
+<p class="i0">C is the corner you fight to obtain:</p>
+<p class="i0">D is the draught of which others complain:</p>
+<p class="i0">E are the enemies made for the day:</p>
+<p class="i0">F is the frown that you wear all the way:</p>
+<p class="i0">G is the guilt that you feel going third:</p>
+<p class="i0">H is the humbug by which you're deterred:</p>
+<p class="i0">I is the insult you'll get down the line:</p>
+<p class="i0">J is the junction where you'll try to dine:</p>
+<p class="i0">K is the kettle of tea three weeks old:</p>
+<p class="i0">L are the lemon drops better unsold:</p>
+<p class="i0">M is the maiden who says there's no meat:</p>
+<p class="i0">N is the nothing you thus get to eat:</p>
+<p class="i0">O is the oath that you use&mdash;and do right:</p>
+<p class="i0">P is the paper to which you <i>don't</i> write:</p>
+<p class="i0">Q are the qualms to directors unknown:</p>
+<p class="i0">R is the row which you'll find all your own:</p>
+<p class="i0">S is the smash that is "nobody's fault:"</p>
+<p class="i0">T is the truth, that will come to a halt:</p>
+<p class="i0">U is the pointsman&mdash;who's up the whole night:</p>
+<p class="i0">V is the verdict that says it's "all right."</p>
+<p class="i0">W stands for wheels flying off curves:</p>
+<p class="i0">X for express that half shatters your nerves:</p>
+<p class="i0">Y for the yoke from your neck that you fling,</p>
+<p class="i0">and Z for your zest as you cut the whole thing!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_040.png">
+<img src="images/i_040.png" width="100%" alt="STARTLING" /></a>
+<h3>STARTLING!</h3>
+<p><i>Constable (to nervous passenger, arrived by the Ramsgate train).</i> "I've
+got yer"&mdash;(<i>"Ger-acious Heavens!" thinks little Skeery with a thrill of
+horror. "Takes me for somebody that's 'wanted'!"</i>)&mdash;"a cab, sir."]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>"THE MORE HASTE THE WORSE SPEED"</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>The Charing Cross Station of the District Railway.</i></center>
+
+<p><i>Country Cousin, bound for Bayswater, to ticket clerk, with scrupulous
+politeness.</i> If you please, I want a first-class ticket to Bayswater.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ticket Clerk (abruptly).</i> No first-class here. Go to the next
+booking-place.</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Country Cousin retires rebuffed, and finds his way to next
+booking-place</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Country Cousin</i>. If you please, I want a first-class ticket to
+Bayswater.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ticket Clerk (explosively).</i> Single or return? Look sharp! You're not
+the only person in London!</p>
+
+<p><i>Country Cousin (humbly).</i> Single, please.</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>The ticket and change are slapped down unceremoniously, and Country
+Cousin is shoved on from behind by an impatient City man. Rushes
+precipitately down brass-bound steps, and presents his ticket to be
+snipped.</i></p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span>
+
+<p><i>Snipper (inspecting ticket).</i> Queen's Road, Bayswater? Wrong side! Go
+up the stairs, and turn to the right. Look sharp! There's a train just
+coming in!</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Country Cousin, with a deepened sense of humiliation and bewilderment,
+hurries upstairs, turns to the right, and reaches entrance to platform
+just in time to have gate slammed in his face. The train being gone,
+gate is re-opened, and the necessary snipping performed on his ticket.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Country Cousin (to Snipper, politely).</i> If you please&mdash;will the next
+train take me to Queen's Road, Bayswater?</p>
+
+<p><i>Saturnine Official.</i> Can't tell you till the train comes.</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Country Cousin paces the platform in moody silence, and wishes he had
+taken a cab. Enter train, rushing madly along.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Stentorian voice (without stops).</i> Earl's Court North End and
+Hammersmith train first and second-class forward third behind!</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Country Cousin makes his way towards a carriage, but finds it full.
+Tries another with the same result, and is frantically endeavouring to
+open the door of a third-class compartment in which there is one vacant
+seat next a fat woman with a baby, when train moves on.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Indignant Official.</i> Stand away there! Stand away, will you! (<i>Drags
+back Country Cousin.</i>) That ain't your train! What do you want a-tryin
+to get in there for?</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Country Cousin, in deeper humiliation, re-arranges dress, disturbed by
+recent struggle and resumes his agitated march.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Enter another train more madly than the first.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Stentorian voice.</i> High Street Kensington Notting Hill Gate and
+Bayswater train main line train!</p>
+
+<p><i>Country Cousin (to Haughty Official, in an agony of entreaty).</i> Is this
+train for Queen's Road, Bayswater?</p>
+
+<p><i>Haughty Official.</i> Yes, Queen's Road. Look sharp! She'll be off in a
+minute.</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Country Cousin scrambles through the crowd to a carriage; drops his
+umbrella; stoops to pick it up and on rising finds train three parts
+through the tunnel. Exit Country Cousin in a rage, to get a cab, having
+lost twenty minutes, the price of his unused ticket, his self-respect,
+and that of everybody he has come in contact with in the Metropolitan
+District Railway Station.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_042.png">
+<img src="images/i_042.png" width="100%" alt="WHEN IN DOUBT" /></a>
+<h3>WHEN IN DOUBT&mdash;DON'T!</h3>
+<center><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Country Station</i></center><br />
+<p><i>Gent.</i> "Are the sandwiches fresh, my boy?"</p>
+<p><i>Country Youth.</i> "Don't know, I'm sure, sir. I've only been here a
+fortnight!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_044.png">
+<img src="images/i_044.png" width="100%" alt="A DILEMMA" /></a>
+<h3>A DILEMMA</h3>
+<p><i>Station-Master.</i> "Now then! Look alive with they dougs! Where are
+you&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Overdriven Porter.</i> "Hoots! they've a' eaten their tuck'ts, an' dinna
+ken fa the're gaen tae!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_046.png">
+<img src="images/i_046.png" width="100%" alt="RISKS" /></a>
+<h3>RISKS</h3>
+<p><i>Shrewd Clerk (with an eye to his percentage).</i> "Take an accident
+insurance ticket, sir?"</p>
+<p><i>Passenger (nervously).</i> "Wha' for?!"</p>
+<p><i>Clerk.</i> "Well, sir, nothing has gone wrong 'twixt this and London for
+the last fourteen months; and, by the haverages, the next smash on the
+hup line is hoverdue exactly six weeks and three days!!"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Old Gent forks out with alacrity.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>TO MY "PUFF PUFF"</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Puff me away from the noise and the worry;</p>
+<p class="i2">Puff me away from the desolate town;</p>
+<p class="i0">Puff me&mdash;but don't be in too great a hurry;</p>
+<p class="i2">Puff me, but don't in a tunnel break down.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Puff me away to my loved Isle of Thanet</p>
+<p class="i2">Swiftly&mdash;or e'en at the pace called the snail's,</p>
+<p class="i0">Puff me the sea-breeze, and pleasantly fan it</p>
+<p class="i2">Into my nostrils&mdash;but don't leave the rails.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Puff me away, far from Parliament's houses;</p>
+<p class="i2">For brown moors of Scotland my soul is athirst&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">For a smell of the heather, a pop at the grouses;</p>
+<p class="i2">Puff me, but mind that your boiler don't burst.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Puff me <i>en route</i> for care-killing Killarney,</p>
+<p class="i2">Tenderly take me, as bridegroom his bride;</p>
+<p class="i0">Bear me towards Erin, blest birthplace of Blarney,</p>
+<p class="i2">Puff, puff, like blazes&mdash;but, <i>please</i>, don't "collide!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_048.png">
+<img src="images/i_048.png" width="100%" alt="DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE" /></a>
+<h3>DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE</h3>
+<p><i>Customer</i> (Time&mdash;<i>Saturday afternoon</i>). "I don't want all coppers in
+change for that shilling. Haven't you got any silver?"</p>
+<p><i>Newsboy.</i> "All right, sir. Want a little Sunday money, I s'pose, sir?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">At first I loved thee&mdash;thou wast warm,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin'."</p>
+<p class="i0">I tipped him as thy welcome form</p>
+<p class="i2">He carried, with a grateful smile, in.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Alas! thou art a faithless friend,</p>
+<p class="i2">Thy warmth was but dissimulation;</p>
+<p class="i0">Thy tepid glow is at an end,</p>
+<p class="i2">And I am nowhere near my station!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I shiver, cold in feet and hands,</p>
+<p class="i2">It is a legal form of slaughter,</p>
+<p class="i0">They don't warm (!) trains in other lands</p>
+<p class="i2">With half a pint of tepid water.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I spurn thy coldness with a kick,</p>
+<p class="i2">And pile on rugs as my protectors,</p>
+<p class="i0">I'd send&mdash;to warm them&mdash;to Old Nick,</p>
+<p class="i2">Thy parsimonious directors!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Different Ways of Travelling.</span>&mdash;Man travels to expand his ideas; but
+woman&mdash;judging from the number of boxes she invariably takes with
+her&mdash;travels only with the object of expanding her dresses.</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center>"<span class="smcap">The Best of Motives.</span>"&mdash;Locomotives.</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_050.png">
+<img src="images/i_050.png" width="100%" alt="A LIBERAL MEASURE" /></a>
+<h3>"A LIBERAL MEASURE"</h3>
+<p><i>Rude Boy (to stout party on weighing-machine, which is out of order,
+and won't work).</i> "Shove in another penny, guv'nor. It's double fare to
+chaps o' your size!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p>
+
+<br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Foxhunter's Definition of a Mail-Train.</span>&mdash;A Post and Rails.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">As a Rule.</span>&mdash;"Signal Failures"&mdash;Railway accidents.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Three Railway Gauges.</span>&mdash;Trains are made for the Broad Gauge, the Narrow
+Gauge, and the Lug-gage.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_051.png">
+<img src="images/i_051.png" width="100%" alt="ZOOLOGY" /></a>
+<h3>ZOOLOGY</h3>
+<p><i>Railway Porter (to old lady travelling with a menagerie of pets).</i>
+"'Station-master say, mum, as cats is 'dogs,' and rabbits is 'dogs,' and
+so's parrots; but this ere 'tortis' is a insect, so there ain't no
+charge for it!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_052.png">
+<img src="images/i_052.png" width="100%" alt="LOGIC" /></a>
+<h3>LOGIC</h3>
+<p><i>Stout Party.</i> "What! no room! Ain't that man just got out? If people
+can get out, people can get in!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">The Quickest of all Express Trains.</span>&mdash;The train of thought.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Startling Railway Accident.</span>&mdash;A punctual train.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Keep Your Temper.</span>&mdash;Avoid entering into an argument with a deaf man in a
+railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">"Don't Touch me, or I'll Scream!"</span> as the engine whistle said to the
+stoker.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_053.png">
+<img src="images/i_053.png" width="100%" alt="&#39;Elp us up with my luggage" /></a>
+<h3>"A MAN AND A PASSENGER!"</h3>
+<center><i>Sweep.</i> "'Elp us up with my luggage, mate!"</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>VOCES POPULI</h2>
+
+<h3>I</h3>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Interior of Third-Class Smoking Compartment. First Passenger,
+apparently a small Suburban Tradesman, of a full and comfortable habit,
+seated by window. To him enters a seedy but burly Stranger, in a state
+of muzzy affability, with an under-suggestion of quarrelsomeness.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The Stranger (leaning forward mysteriously).</i> Yer saw that gentleman I
+was a torkin' to as I got in? Did yer know 'oo he <i>was</i>?</p>
+
+<p><i>First Passenger (without hauteur, but with the air of a person who
+sets a certain value on his conversation).</i> Well, he didn't look much
+like the Archbishop of Canterbury.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> He's a better man than <i>'im</i>! That was Brasher, the middling
+weight! he giv me the orfice straight about Killivan and Smifton, <i>he</i>
+did!</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (interested, as a lover of the Noble Art of Self Defence).</i>
+Ah! did he, though?</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> He <i>did</i>; I went up to him, and I sez,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> "Excuse me," I sez,
+like that, I sez, "but are you an American, or a German?"</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (with superiority).</i> He wouldn't like that&mdash;being taken for a
+German.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (solemnly).</i> Those were my very words! And he sez, "No, I'm a
+Yank," and then I knoo 'oo 'e was, d'ye see? and so (<i>hazily</i>) one word
+brought up another, and we got a torkin'. If I was to tell you I'd
+<i>seen</i> Killivan, I should be tellin' yer a lie!</p>
+
+<p><i>First P.</i> Well, I won't ask you to do that.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (firmly).</i> Nor I wouldn't. But you've on'y to look at Smifton to
+see 'e's never 'ad a smack on the 'ed. Now, there's Sulton&mdash;'e's a
+<i>good</i> man, <i>'e</i> is&mdash;'e <i>is</i> a good man! Look 'ow that feller knocks
+'isself about! But if I was to pass <i>my</i> opinion, it 'ud be
+this&mdash;Killivan's <i>in</i> it for science, he ain't in it to <i>take</i> anything;
+you may take that from me!</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (objecting to be treated as an</i> ingénu<i>).</i> It's not the first
+time I've heard of it, by a long way.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> Ah! and it's the truth, the Bible truth (<i>putting his hand on
+First P.'s knee</i>). Now, you b'leeve what I'm a'goin' to tell yer?</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span>
+<p><i>First P. (his dignity a little ruffled).</i> I will&mdash;if it's anything in
+reason.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> It's this: My opinion of Killivan and Sulton's this&mdash;Sulton
+<i>brought</i> Killivan <i>out</i>. I'm on'y tellin' yer from 'earsay, like; but I
+<i>know</i> this myself&mdash;one lived in 'Oxton, and the other down Bermondsey
+way. 'E's got a nice little butcher's business there at this present
+moment; and 'e's a mug if 'e turns it up!</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (axiomatically).</i> Every man's a mug who turns a good business
+up.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> Yer right! And (<i>moralising</i>) it ain't <i>all</i> 'oney with that
+sort o' people, neither, I can tell yer! I dessay, now, when all's put
+to the test, you're not a moneyed man&mdash;no more than I am myself?</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (not altogether flattered).</i> Well&mdash;that's as <i>may</i> be.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> But I b'leeve yer to be a man o' the world, although I don't
+<i>know</i> yer.</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (modestly).</i> I used to be in it at one time.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (confidentially).</i> I'm in it <i>now</i>. I don't get my livin' by it,
+though, mind yer. I'm a mechanic, I am&mdash;to a certain extent.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> I've been
+in America. <i>There's</i> a country now&mdash;they don't over-tax like they do
+'ere!</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (sympathetically).</i> There you <i>'ave</i> touched a point&mdash;we're
+taxed past all common sense. Why, this very tobacco I'm smoking now is
+charged&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> Talkin' of terbaccer, I don't mind 'aving a pipe along with yer
+myself.</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (handing his pouch with a happy mixture of cordiality and
+condescension).</i> There you are, then.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (afflicted by sudden compunction as he fills his pipe).</i> I 'ope
+I'm not takin' a libbaty in askin yer?</p>
+
+<p><i>First P.</i> Liberty? rubbish! I'm not one to make distinctions where <i>I</i>
+go. I'd as soon talk to one man as I would another&mdash;you're setting your
+coat alight.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> I set fire to myself once, and I never live in 'opes of doing
+so agen! It's a funny thing with me, I can smoke a cigar just as well as
+I could a short pipe. I'm no lover of a cigar, if you understand me; but
+I can go into company where they <i>are</i>, d'ye <i>see</i>?</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (shortly).</i> <i>I</i> see.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (with fresh misgivings).</i> You'll excuse me if I've taken a
+libbaty with yer!</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (with a stately air).</i> We settled all that just now.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (after a scrutiny).</i> I tell yer what my idear of <i>you</i> is&mdash;that
+you're a <i>Toff!</i></p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (disclaiming this distinction a little uneasily).</i> No,
+no&mdash;there's nothing of the toff about <i>me!</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (defiantly).</i> Well, you're a <i>gentleman</i>, anyway?</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (aphoristic, but uncomfortable).</i> We can all of us be that,
+so long as we behave ourselves.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span>
+<p><i>The S. (much pleased by this sentiment).</i> Right agen! give us yer
+'and&mdash;if it's not takin a libbaty. I'm one of them as can't bear to take
+a libbaty with no matter 'oo. Yer know it's a real pleasure to me to be
+settin' 'ere torkin' comfortably to you, without no thought of either of
+us fallin' out. There's some people as wouldn't feel 'appy, not without
+they was 'aving a row. Now you and me ain't <i>like</i> that!</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (shifting about).</i> Quite so&mdash;quite so, of course!</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> Not but what if it was to come to a row between us, I could
+take <i>my</i> part!</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (wishing there was somebody else in the compartment).</i> I&mdash;I
+hope we'll keep off that.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (devoutly).</i> So do I! <i>I</i> 'ope we'll keep off o' that. But yer
+never know what may bring it on&mdash;and there it is, d'ye see! You and me
+might fall out without intending it. I've bin a bit of a boxer in my
+day. Do you doubt my word?&mdash;if so, say it to my face!</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span>
+<p><i>First P.</i> I've no wish to offend you, I'm sure.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> I never take a lie straight from any man, and there you 'ave me
+in a word! If you're <i>bent</i> on a row, you'll find me a glutton, that's
+all I can tell you!</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (giving himself up for lost).</i> But I'm <i>not</i> bent on a
+row&mdash;qu&mdash;quite otherwise!</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> You should ha' said so afore, because, when my back's once put
+<i>up</i>, I'm&mdash;'ello! we're stopping, I get out 'ere, don't I?</p>
+
+<p><i>First P. (eagerly).</i> Yes&mdash;make haste, they don't stay long anywhere on
+this line!</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (completely mollified).</i> Then I'll say good-bye to yer.
+(<i>Tenderly.</i>) P'raps we may meet agen, some day.</p>
+
+<p><i>First P.</i> We&mdash;we'll hope so&mdash;good day to you, wish you luck!</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (solemnly).</i> Lord <i>love</i> yer! (<i>Pausing at door.</i>) I 'ope you
+don't think me the man to fall out with nobody. I <i>never</i> fall out&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Falls out into the arms of a porter, whom he pummels as the train
+moves on, and First Passenger settles into a corner with a sigh of
+relief.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_054.png">
+<img src="images/i_054.png" width="100%" alt="NOT QUITE UP TO DATE" /></a>
+<h3>NOT QUITE UP TO DATE</h3>
+<p><i>Somerset Rustic (on seeing the signal drop).</i> "Ar don't know if it'd
+make any difference, maister, but thic ther' bit o' board of yourn 'ave
+a fallen down!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_056.png">
+<img src="images/i_056.png" width="100%" alt="NOTES OF TRAVEL" /></a>
+<h3>NOTES OF TRAVEL</h3>
+<p><i>Foreign Husband (whose wife is going to remain longer).</i> "Gif me two
+dickets. Von for me to come back, and von for my vife not to come
+back!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_058.png">
+<img src="images/i_058.png" width="100%" alt="IN THE UNDERGROUND" /></a>
+<h3>IN THE UNDERGROUND</h3>
+<p><i>Lady (who has just entered carriage, to friend).</i> "Fancy finding you in
+the train! Why couldn't I have met you yesterday, now? I had such a
+wretched journey! But one never <i>does</i> meet people when one wants to!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_060.png">
+<img src="images/i_060.png" width="100%" alt="LA BELLE DAME" /></a>
+<h3>LA BELLE DAME SANS "MERCI"</h3>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_061.png">
+<img src="images/i_061.png" width="100%" alt="driver see a lot o&#39; fine mushyroons" /></a>
+<h3>"TOUT VIENT À QUI SAIT ATTENDRE"</h3>
+<p>Shouting heard&mdash;engine whistles frantically&mdash;breaks applied
+violently&mdash;train stops&mdash;accident, no doubt&mdash;alarm of first-class
+passengers&mdash;stout gent flies at communicator&mdash;child shrieks&mdash;terrified
+lady calls out, "Help! guard! What is it? Let us out!"</p>
+<p><i>Guard.</i> "Oh, no fear, miss. On'y driver he just see a lot o' fine
+mushyroons, miss, and we&mdash;&mdash;he like 'em for breakfast. All right! Away
+y' go!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_062.png">
+<img src="images/i_062.png" width="100%" alt="I&#39;m the clerk" /></a>
+<h3>A STATION ON THE NORTH STAFFORDSHIRE LINE</h3>
+<p><i>Traveller.</i> "Now then, boy, where's the clerk who gives the ticket?"</p>
+<p><i>Boy (after finishing an air he was whistling).</i> "I'm the clerk."</p>
+<p><i>Traveller.</i> "Well, sir! And what time does the train leave for
+London?"</p>
+<p><i>Boy.</i> "Oh, I don't know. No time in pertickler. Sometimes one time&mdash;and
+sometimes another."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_064.png">
+<img src="images/i_064.png" width="100%" alt="TRYING POSITION" /></a>
+<h3>TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN</h3>
+<p>He determines to try the automatic photographing machine, the station
+being empty. To his dismay a crowd has gathered, and watches the
+operation.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_066.png">
+<img src="images/i_066.png" width="100%" alt="You don&#39;t object to my pipe" /></a>
+<p><i>Workman (politely, to old lady, who has accidentally got
+into a smoking compartment).</i> "You don't object to my pipe, I 'ope,
+mum?"</p>
+<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "Yes, I <i>do</i> object, very strongly!"</p>
+<p><i>Workman.</i> "Oh! Then out you get!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h2>A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY LONG AFTER STERNE'S</h2>
+
+<center><i>(A Romance for a "Ladies Only" Compartment)</i></center>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female
+Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Male Traveller.</i> A thousand apologies! I really nearly missed my train,
+so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. Trust I don't intrude.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fem. T. (after a pause).</i> As you have no one to present you, I must ask
+"if you are any lady's husband?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Male T. (with a sigh).</i> Alas, no! I am a wretched bachelor!</p>
+
+<p><i>Fem. T. (drily).</i> That is nothing out of the common. I have been given
+to understand that all bachelors are miserable.</p>
+
+<p><i>Male T.</i> No doubt your husband agrees with the opinion?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Fem. T. (calmly).</i> I have no experience. I am a spinster.</p>
+
+<p><i>Male T. (smiling).</i> Indeed! And you selected a ladies' carriage?</p>
+
+<p><i>Fem. T. (quickly).</i> Because there was no room anywhere else.</p>
+
+<p><i>Male T.</i> Well, well! At the next station I can get into a smoking
+compartment.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fem. T.</i> Surely there is no need to take so much trouble.</p>
+
+<p><i>Male T.</i> Why! don't <i>you</i> object to a cigar?</p>
+
+<p><i>Fem. T.</i> Not in the least. The fact is, I smoke myself!</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Red fire and tobacco.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Male T. (after a pause).</i> I have it on my conscience to make a
+correction. I said just now that I was not somebody's husband.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fem. T. (annoyed).</i> Then you are married!</p>
+
+<p><i>Male T. (with intention).</i> Well, not yet. But if you like you can
+receive me as somebody's betrothed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fem. T. (regardless of grammar).</i> Who's somebody?</p>
+
+<p><i>Male T. (smiling).</i> Think of your own name.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fem. T.</i> What next?</p>
+
+<p><i>Male T.</i> Why, give it to me; and if you like you shall have mine in
+exchange. (<i>Train arrives at a station.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Guard (without).</i> All change!</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>And later on they do.</i></p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">The Patron Saint of Railways.</span>-St. Pan-crash.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_068.png">
+<img src="images/i_068.png" width="100%" alt="A NON-SEQUITUR" /></a>
+<h3>A NON-SEQUITUR</h3>
+<p><i>Affable Old Gentleman (who has half a minute to spare).</i> "I suppose
+now, my boy, you take a good sum of money during the day?"</p>
+<p><i>Shoeblack.</i> "Yessur, 'cause lots o' gintleman, when they wants to ketch
+a train, gives me sixpence!"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Old gent finds the sixpence, but in thinking over it afterwards,
+couldn't see the connection.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_070.png">
+<img src="images/i_070.png" width="100%" alt="&#39;ow do I know where I&#39;m going?" /></a>
+<h3>THE TWOPENNY TUBE</h3>
+<p>"Hi, guv'nor, there ain't no station named on this ticket!"</p>
+<p>"No; all our tickets are alike."</p>
+<p>"Then, 'ow do I know where I'm going?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_071.png">
+<img src="images/i_071.png" width="100%" alt="HIGHLY ACCOMMODATING" /></a>
+<h3>HIGHLY ACCOMMODATING</h3>
+<p><i>Stout Party (rather hot).</i> "Hope you don't find the breeze too much,
+sir?"</p>
+<p><i>Fellow Passenger.</i> "Oh! not at all, sir! I rather like it!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_072.png">
+<img src="images/i_072.png" width="100%" alt="A RAILWAY STATION" /></a>
+<h3>SKYLIGHT VIEW&mdash;A RAILWAY STATION</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_073.png">
+<img src="images/i_073.png" width="100%" alt="Hint taken" /></a>
+<p><i>Traveller (to Irish porter labelling luggage).</i> "Don't
+you keep a brush for that work, porter?"</p>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "No, yer honour. Our tongues is the only insthrumints we're
+allowed. But&mdash;they're aisy kep' wet, yer honour!"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Hint taken.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>IN A SLOW TRAIN</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>"Look out for squalls"&mdash;on land or sea&mdash;</i></p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Where duty or where pleasure calls,</i></p>
+<p class="i0"><i>A golden rule it seems to be,</i></p>
+<p class="i6"><i>Look out for squalls.</i></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>Yet in a train that slowly crawls</i></p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Somehow it most appeals to me.</i></p>
+<p class="i0"><i>For then sometimes, it so befalls,</i></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2"><i>An infant on its mother's knee</i></p>
+<p class="i0"><i>In my compartment Fate installs&mdash;</i></p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Which makes a nervous man, you see,</i></p>
+<p class="i6"><i>Look out for squalls!</i></p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>RAILWAY MAXIMS</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Perfectly at the Service of any Railway Company</i>)</center>
+
+<p>Delays are dangerous.</p>
+
+<p>A train in time saves nine.</p>
+
+<p>Live and let live.</p>
+
+<p>After a railway excursion, the doctor.</p>
+
+<p>Do not halloo till you are out of the train.</p>
+
+<p>Between two trains we fall to the ground.</p>
+
+<p>Fire and water make good servants but bad masters.</p>
+
+<p>A director is known by the company he keeps.</p>
+
+<p>A railway train is the thief of time.</p>
+
+<p>There is no place like home&mdash;but the difficulty is to get there.</p>
+
+<p>The farther you go, the worse is your fare.</p>
+
+<p>It's the railway pace that kills.</p>
+
+<p>The great charm about a railway accident is that, no matter how many
+lives are lost, "no blame is ever attached to any one."</p>
+
+<p>A railway is long, but life is short&mdash;and generally the longer a
+railway, the shorter your life.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Distinction with a Difference.</span>&mdash;<i>Disappointed Porter (to Mate).</i> I
+thought you said he was a gentleman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mate.</i> No, that's where you mistook me. <i>I</i> said he was a gent.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_074.png">
+<img src="images/i_074.png" width="100%" alt="how do you get it over the fences?" /></a>
+<p><i>Sylvanus.</i> "Foxes are scarce in my country; but we
+manage it with a drag now and then!"</p>
+<p><i>Urbanus.</i> "Oh&mdash;er&mdash;yes. But how do you get it over the fences?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_075.png">
+<img src="images/i_075.png" width="100%" alt="will you please to move" /></a>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "Now, marm, will you please to move, or was
+you corded to your box?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_076.png">
+<img src="images/i_076.png" width="100%" alt="THERE BE LAND RATS" /></a>
+<h3>"THERE BE LAND RATS"</h3>
+<p><i>Jack Ashore.</i> "Bill, just keep a heye on my jewel-case 'ere while I go
+and get the tickets. There's a lot o' sharks always cruisin' about these
+railway stations, I've heard!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_077.png">
+<img src="images/i_077.png" width="100%" alt="Where are you for?" /></a>
+<h3>AFTER AN EASTERTIDE FESTIVITY&mdash;ON THE INNER CIRCLE</h3>
+<p><i>Guard.</i> "Where are you for?"</p>
+<p><i>Old Gent.</i> "I'm oright&mdash;Edgware Road."</p>
+<p><i>Guard.</i> "Well, mind you get out this time. You've been round three
+times!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>RAILWAY SCALE OF MANNERS</h2>
+
+<p>We have often been struck with the difference of manner assumed by
+railway officials towards different people. Shut your eyes, and you can
+tell from the tone of their voices whom they are addressing. The
+following examples will best illustrate our meaning. The railway
+potentate is calling upon the passengers to get their tickets ready.
+He calls:</p>
+
+<p>To the Third Class.&mdash;<i>Fortissimè.</i>&mdash;"Tickets, tickets; come get
+your tickets ready."</p>
+
+<p>To the Second Class.&mdash;<i>Fortè.</i>&mdash;"Tickets, gents; get your tickets ready,
+gents."</p>
+
+<p>To the First Class.&mdash;<i>Piano.</i>&mdash;"Get your tickets ready, gentlemen, if
+you please; tickets ready, if you please, gentlemen."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_078.png">
+<img src="images/i_078.png" width="100%" alt="THE H GRATUITOUS" /></a>
+<p><i>Lady.</i> "Can I book through from here to Oban?"</p>
+<p><i>Well-educated Clerk (correcting her).</i> "Holborn, you mean. No; but you
+can book to Broad Street, and then take a 'bus!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>EPITAPH ON A LOCOMOTIVE.</h2>
+
+<center><i>By the sole survivor of a deplorable accident (no blame to be attached
+to any servants of the company)</i></center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Collisions four</p>
+<p class="i4">Or five she bore,</p>
+<p class="i0">The signals wor in vain;</p>
+<p class="i4">Grown old and rusted,</p>
+<p class="i4">Her biler busted,</p>
+<p class="i0">And smash'd the Excursion Train.</p>
+</div></div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_079.png">
+<img src="images/i_079.png" width="100%" alt="Her End was Pieces" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Epitaph for a Railway Director.</span>&mdash;"His life was spent on pleasant lines."</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_080.png">
+<img src="images/i_080.png" width="100%" alt="MUDDLEBY JUNCTION" /></a>
+<h3>MUDDLEBY JUNCTION</h3>
+<p><i>Overworked Pointsman (puzzled).</i> "Let's see!&mdash;there's the 'scursion'
+were due at 4.45, and it ain't in; then, afore that, were the
+'mineral,'&mdash;no! that must ha' been the 'goods,'&mdash;or the 'cattle.' No!
+that were after,&mdash;cattle's shunting now. Let's see!&mdash;fast train came
+through at&mdash;&mdash;Con-found!&mdash;and here comes 'the express' afore its time,
+and blest if I know which line she's on!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_081.png">
+<img src="images/i_081.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<h2>TEA IN TEN MINUTES</h2>
+
+<center>(<span class="smcap">A SONG AT A RAILWAY STATION</span>)<br /><br />
+
+<span class="smcap">Air</span>&mdash;"<i>Thee, Thee, only Thee</i>"</center><br />
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Ten minutes here! The sun is sinking,</p>
+<p class="i0">And longingly we've long been thinking</p>
+<p class="i4">Of Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!</p>
+<p class="i0">The marble slabs we gather round.</p>
+<p class="i2">They're long in bringing what is wanted,</p>
+<p class="i0">The china cup with draught em-brown'd,</p>
+<p class="i2">Our thirsty souls are wholly haunted</p>
+<p class="i4">By Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Now then, you waiter, stir, awaken!</p>
+<p class="i0">Time's up. I'll hardly save my bacon.</p>
+<p class="i4">Tea, Tea, bring that Tea!</p>
+<p class="i0">At last! The infusion's rayther dark.</p>
+<p class="i2">But hurry up! Can't stay for ever!</p>
+<p class="i0">One swig! Br-r-r-r! Hang the cunning shark!</p>
+<p class="i2">Will't never cool? Nay, never, never!</p>
+<p class="i4">Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">More milk; don't be an hour in bringing!</p>
+<p class="i0">Heavens! That horrid bell is ringing!</p>
+<p class="i4">"Take your seats, please!" Can't <i>touch</i> the Tea!</p>
+<p class="i0">Cup to the carriage must not take;</p>
+<p class="i2">Crockery may be lost, or broken;</p>
+<p class="i0">Refreshment sharks are wide awake.</p>
+<p class="i2">But&mdash;many a naughty word is spoken</p>
+<p class="i4">O'er Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_082.png">
+<img src="images/i_082.png" width="100%" alt="BEHIND THE SCENES" /></a>
+<h3>BEHIND THE SCENES</h3>
+<p><i>Head Barmaid.</i> "These tarts are quite stale, Miss Hunt&mdash;been on the
+counter for a fortnight! <i>Would</i> you mind taking them into the
+<i>second-class</i> refreshment-room?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_083.png">
+<img src="images/i_083.png" width="100%" alt="That&#39;s one of those Manx cats" /></a>
+<h3>A LUSUS MACHINER&mdash;Æ</h3>
+<p><i>Chatty Passenger.</i> "Porter! That's one of those curious tailless Manx
+cats, is it not?"</p>
+<p><i>Crusty Porter (shortly).</i> "No, 'taint. Morn'g 'xpress!"</p>
+<p><i>Passenger (puzzled).</i> "E&mdash;h&mdash;I don't understand&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "Don't yer? Well, you come and put your toe on these 'ere down
+metals about 9.14 a.m. to-morrow, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Passenger (enlightened).</i> "Ah!&mdash;I see&mdash;jus' so&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p class="indent">[<i>Retires under cover of newspaper.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>RAILWAY COMPANIONS</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By a Disagreeable Traveller</i>)</center>
+
+<h3>I.</h3>
+
+<p>I have come to the conclusion that the railway train exercises a
+sinister influence upon the human race. Persons who are tolerable&mdash;or
+even welcome&mdash;in ordinary daily life, become peculiarly obnoxious so
+soon as they enter the compartment of a train. No fairy prince ever
+stepped into a railway train&mdash;assuming he favoured that means of
+locomotion&mdash;without being transformed straightway into a Beast, and even
+Beauty herself could not be distinguished from her disagreeable
+sisters&mdash;in a train.</p>
+
+<p>Speaking for myself, railway travelling invariably brings to the surface
+all my worst qualities.</p>
+
+<p>My neighbour opposite hazards some remark. I feel immediately a fit of
+taciturnity coming over me, and an overpowering inclination to retreat
+behind a fortification of journals and magazines. On the other hand, say
+that I have exhausted my stock of railway literature&mdash;or, no remote
+possibility, that the literature has exhausted me&mdash;then I make a casual
+remark about the weather. The weather is not usually considered a
+controversial topic: in railway trains, however, it becomes so.</p>
+
+<p>"Rain! not a bit," says a passenger in the far corner, evidently
+meditating a walking tour, and he views me suspiciously as if I were a
+rain-producer.</p>
+
+<p>"And a good thing too," remarks the man opposite. "It's wanted badly, I
+tell you, sir&mdash;very badly. It's all very well for you holiday folk,"
+&amp;c., &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>And all this bad feeling because of my harmless well-intentioned remark.</p>
+
+<p>The window is up. "Phew!... stuffy," says the man opposite. "You don't
+mind, I hope, the window&mdash;eh?" "Not in the least," I say, and conceive a
+deadly hatred for him. I know from experience that directly that window
+is down all the winds of heaven will conspire to rush through, bearing
+upon them a smoky pall. I resign myself, therefore, to possible
+bronchitis and inflammation of the eye. Schoolboys, I may remark by the
+way, are the worst window offenders, owing to their diabolical practice
+of looking out of window in a tunnel&mdash;and, of course, <i>nothing</i> ever
+happens to them. What's the use of expostulating after the compartment
+is full of yellow, choking vapour. These boys should be leashed together
+like dogs and conveyed in the luggage-van.</p>
+
+<p>The window is down. "W-h-oop," coughs an elderly man. "Do you mind, sir,
+that window being closed?" Polite mendacity and inward bitterness on my
+part towards the individual who has converted the compartment into an
+oven.</p>
+
+<p>But there are worse companions even than these, of whom I must speak
+another time.</p>
+
+<h3>II.</h3>
+
+<p>I have known people thoughtlessly speak well of the luncheon-basket. In
+my opinion, the luncheon-basket arouses the worst passions of human
+nature, and is a direct incentive to deeds of violence. To say this is
+to cast an aspersion upon the refreshment contractor, who is evidently a
+man of touchingly simple faith and high imagination. Simple faith
+assuredly, for does he not provide on the principle that our insides are
+hardy and vigorous and unspoilt by the art of cooking? High imagination
+most certainly, otherwise he would never call that red fluid by the name
+of claret.</p>
+
+<p>No, it is to the social rather than to the gastronomic influence of the
+luncheon-basket that I wish to advert.</p>
+
+<p>Once I procured a luncheon-basket and with it came the demon of
+discontent and suspicion, converting three neutral people into deadly
+enemies.</p>
+
+<p>One was a pale young man who had been scowling over Browning and making
+frantic notes on the margin of the book. Personally, I don't think it
+quite decent for pale young men to improve their minds in a public
+conveyance&mdash;but at any rate he had seemed harmless. Now he raised his
+eyes and viewed me with undisguised contempt. "Wretched glutton," he
+said in effect, and when accidentally I burned my mouth with mustard
+(which a sudden swerve had sent meandering in a yellow stream across the
+chicken and ham), he gave a sneering, callous smile, which reminded me
+that a man may smile and smile and be a&mdash;railway companion.</p>
+
+<p>I verily believe that youth to be capable of any crime, even Extension
+lecturing.</p>
+
+<p>Then there was a young lady reading a sixpenny Braddon, who viewed me as
+if I were some monster; when I shut my eyes and gulped off
+some&mdash;er&mdash;claret, she brought biscuits and lemonade from a small bag and
+refreshed herself with ostentatious simplicity, as if to say, "Look upon
+<i>this</i> picture and on the wine-bibbing epicurean in the corner." An old
+lady with her was more amply provided for (old ladies usually take more
+care of their insides than anyone else in creation), but although she
+munched sandwiches and washed them down with sherry (probably sweet,
+ugh!) luxuriously, she looked with pious horror at my plates and dishes
+spread out. I <i>might</i> have said, "Madam, I eat frankly and openly; my
+resources may be viewed by all. Your secret and delusive bags have
+limitless resources that you are ashamed to show."</p>
+
+<p>I didn't say so; but the restraint placed on myself quite spoilt the
+lunch. No more baskets.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_085.png">
+<img src="images/i_085.png" width="100%" alt="au&#39;ve lost the big drum" /></a>
+<h3>À FORTIORI</h3>
+<p><i>Ticket Collector.</i> "Now, then, make haste! Where's your ticket?"</p>
+<p><i>Bandsman (refreshed).</i> "Au've lost it!"</p>
+<p><i>Ticket Collector.</i> "Nonsense! Feel in your pockets. Ye cannot hev lost
+it!"</p>
+<p><i>Bandsman.</i> "Aw cannot? Why, man, au've lost the <i>big drum!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_086.png">
+<img src="images/i_086.png" width="100%" alt="AT ALL THE LIBRARIES" /></a>
+<h3>"JUST OUT!"&mdash;(AT ALL THE LIBRARIES)</h3>
+<p><i>First Young Lady</i>. "How did you like <i>Convict Life</i>, dear?"</p>
+<p><i>Second Young Lady</i>. "Pretty well. We've just begun <i>Ten Years' Penal
+Servitude</i>. Some of us like it, but&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Old Lady (mentally).</i> "Good gracious! What dreadful creatures! So
+young, too!"</p>
+<p class="indent">[<i>Looks for the communicating cord!</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_087.png">
+<img src="images/i_087.png" width="100%" alt="RATHER SUSPICIOUS" /></a>
+<h3>RATHER SUSPICIOUS</h3>
+<p><i>First Passenger.</i> "Had pretty good sport?"</p>
+<p><i>Second Passenger.</i> "No&mdash;very poor. Birds wild&mdash;rain in torrents&mdash;dogs
+no use. 'Only got fifty brace!"</p>
+<p><i>First Passenger.</i> "'Make birds dear, won't it?"</p>
+<p><i>Second Passenger ("off his guard").</i> "You're right. I assure you I paid
+three-and-sixpence a brace all round at Norwich this morning!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_088.png">
+<img src="images/i_088.png" width="100%" alt="Sometimes on a Sunday" /></a>
+<h3>FROM THE GENERAL TO THE PARTICULAR</h3>
+<p><i>Young Lady (who has never travelled by this line before).</i> "Do you go
+to Kew Gardens?"</p>
+<p><i>Booking-Clerk.</i> "Sometimes on a Sunday, miss, on a summer's
+afternoon!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_089.png">
+<img src="images/i_089.png" width="100%" alt="A NEW RACE IN AFRICA" /></a>
+<h3>A NEW RACE IN AFRICA</h3>
+<center>Arrival of the Uganda express.<br />
+(Twenty minutes ahead of time.)</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_090.png">
+<img src="images/i_090.png" width="100%" alt="A LITTLE FARCE" /></a>
+<h3>A LITTLE FARCE AT A RAILWAY STATION</h3>
+<p><i>Lady.</i> "I want one ticket&mdash;first!" <i>Clerk.</i> "Single?" <i>Lady.</i> "Single!
+What does it matter to you, sir, whether I'm single or not?
+Impertinence!"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Clerk explains that he meant single or return, not t'other thing.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_091.png">
+<img src="images/i_091.png" width="100%" alt="TWO VIEWS OF IT" /></a>
+<h3>TWO VIEWS OF IT</h3>
+<p><i>Brown.</i> "Shockin' thing! You heard of poor Mullins getting his neck
+broken in that collision!"</p>
+<p><i>Jones.</i> "Ah!&mdash;it's as-tonishing how lucky some fellows are! He told me
+'last time I saw him he'd just insured his life for three thous'd
+poun's!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>INJURED INNOCENCE</h3>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_092.png">
+<img src="images/i_092.png" width="100%" alt="INJURED INNOCENCE" /></a>
+<p>"Hulloa! <i>You've</i> no call to be in here! <i>You</i> haven't got a fust-class
+ticket, <i>I</i> know."</p>
+<p>"No! I hain't!"</p>
+<p>"Well, come out! This ain't a third-class carriage!"</p>
+<p>"<i>Hain't</i> it? Lor! Well I thought it <i>wos, by the look of the
+passingers!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_093.png">
+<img src="images/i_093.png" width="100%" alt="Some one been smoking" /></a>
+<p><i>Guard.</i> "Some one been smoking, I think?"</p>
+<p><i>Passenger.</i> "What! Smoking! That's very reprehensible. Perhaps it was
+the clerical gentleman who has just got out of the next compartment."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_094.png">
+<img src="images/i_094.png" width="100%" alt="Chatty Passenger" /></a>
+<h3>"NEM. CON.!"</h3>
+<p><i>Chatty Passenger (on G. W. Railway).</i> "How plainly you can see the
+lights of Hanwell from the railway!"</p>
+<p><i>Silent Man (in the corner).</i> "Not half so plain as the lights of the
+train look from Hanwell!"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>All change at the next station.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_095.png">
+<img src="images/i_095.png" width="100%" alt="RECIPROCAL" /></a>
+<h3>RECIPROCAL</h3>
+<p><i>Sporting Gentleman.</i> "Well, sir, I'm very pleased to have made your
+acquaintance, and had the opportunity of hearing a Churchman's views on
+the question of tithes. Of course, as a country landowner, I'm
+interested in Church matters, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>The Parson.</i> "Quite so&mdash;delighted, I'm sure. Er&mdash;by the bye, could you
+tell me <i>what's won to-day</i>?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_096.png">
+<img src="images/i_096.png" width="100%" alt="RAILWAY LITERATURE" /></a>
+<h3>RAILWAY LITERATURE</h3>
+<p><i>Bookstall Keeper.</i> "Book, ma'am? Yes, ma'am. Here's a popular work by
+an eminent surgeon, just published, 'Broken Legs: and How to Mend Them':
+or, would you like the last number of <i>The Railway Operator</i>?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_097.png">
+<img src="images/i_097.png" width="100%" alt="SATISFACTORY" /></a>
+<h3>SATISFACTORY</h3>
+<p><i>Bumptious Old Gent (in a directorial tone).</i> "Ah, guard&mdash;what are
+we&mdash;ah&mdash;waiting for?"</p>
+<p><i>Guard (with unconcern).</i> "Waiting for the train to go on, sir!"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Old Gent retires.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_098.png">
+<img src="images/i_098.png" width="100%" alt="AN UNDERGROUND SELL" /></a>
+<h3>AN UNDERGROUND SELL</h3>
+<p><i>First Passenger.</i> "They say they've put on detectives 'ere, to catch
+coves as travels without tickets."</p>
+<p><i>Second Passenger.</i> "'Ave they? Well, all I can say is, <i>I</i> can travel
+as often as I like from Cannon Street to Victoria, and not pay a
+'apenny!"</p>
+<p><i>Detective.</i> "See here, mate; I'll give you half-a-crown if you tell me
+how you do it."</p>
+<p><i>Second Passenger (after pocketing the half-crown).</i> "Well,&mdash;when I
+wants to git from Cannon Street to Victoria without payin'&mdash;<i>I walks!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_099.png">
+<img src="images/i_099.png" width="100%" alt="QUITE UP TO DATE" /></a>
+<h3>QUITE UP TO DATE</h3>
+<p><i>Cousin Madge.</i> "Well, good-bye, Charlie. So many thanks for taking care
+of us!"</p>
+<p><i>Charlie.</i> "<i>Not at all!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>VOCES POPULI</h2>
+
+<h3>II.</h3>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">On the Platform</span></center>
+
+<p><i>A Lady of Family.</i> Oh, yes, I do travel third-class sometimes, my dear.
+I consider it a duty to try to know something of the lower orders.</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Looks out for an empty third-class compartment.</i></p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">En Route</span></center>
+
+<p><i>The seats are now all occupied: the Lady of Family is in one corner,
+next to a Chatty Woman with a basket, and opposite to an
+Eccentric-looking Man with a flighty manner.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The Eccentric Man (to the Lady of Family).</i> Sorry to disturb you, mum,
+but you're a-setting on one o' my 'am sandwiches.</p>
+
+<p><i>The L. of F.</i>???!!!</p>
+
+<p><i>The E. M. (considerately).</i> Don't trouble yourself, mum, it's of no
+intrinsic value. I on'y put it there to keep my seat.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chatty W. (to the L. of F.).</i> I think I've seen you about
+Shinglebeach, 'ave I not?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>The L. of F.</i> It is very possible. I have been staying with some
+friends in the neighbourhood.</p>
+
+<p><i>The C. W.</i> It's a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach; but
+(<i>confidentially</i>) don't you think it's a very sing'ler thing that in a
+place like that&mdash;a fash'nable place, too&mdash;there shouldn't be a single
+'am an' beef shop?</p>
+
+<p><i>The L. of F. (making a desperate effort to throw herself into the
+question).</i> What a very extraordinary thing, to be sure! Dear, <i>dear</i>
+me! No ham and beef shop!</p>
+
+<p><i>The C. W.</i> It's so indeed, mum; and what's more, as I dare say you've
+noticed for yourself, if you 'appen to want a snack o' fried fish ever
+so, there isn't a place you could go to&mdash;leastways, at a moment's
+notice. Now, 'ow do you explain such a thing as that?</p>
+
+<p><i>The L. of F. (faintly).</i> I'm afraid I can't suggest any explanation.</p>
+
+<p><i>A Sententious Man.</i> Fried fish is very sustaining.</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Relapses into silence for the remainder of journey.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The Eccentric Man.</i> Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we was
+kids, my father ud bring us home two pennorth o' ches'nuts, and we 'ad
+'em boiled, and they'd last us days. (<i>Sentimentally.</i>) He was a kind
+man, my father (<i>to the L. of F., who bows constrainedly</i>), though you
+wouldn't ha' thought it, to look at him. I don't say, mind yer, that he
+wasn't fond of his bit o' booze&mdash;(<i>the L. of F. looks out of
+window</i>)&mdash;like the best of us. I'm goin' up to prove his will now, I
+am&mdash;if you don't believe me, 'ere's the probate. (<i>Hands that document
+round for inspection.</i>) That's all reg'lar enough, I 'ope. (<i>To the L.
+of F.</i>) Don't give it back before you've done with it&mdash;I'm in no 'urry,
+and there's good reading in it. (<i>Points out certain favourite passages
+with a very dirty forefinger.</i>) Begin there&mdash;<i>that's</i> my name.</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>The L. of F. peruses the will with as great a show of interest as she
+can bring herself to assume.</i></p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+<p><i>The Eccentric Man.</i> D'ye see that big 'andsome building over there?
+That's the County Lunatic Asylum&mdash;where my poor wife is shut up. I went
+to see her last week, I did. (<i>Relates his visit in detail to the L. of
+F., who listens unwillingly.</i>) It's wonderful how many of our family
+have been in that asylum from first to last. I 'ad a aunt who died
+cracky; and my old mother, she's very peculiar at times. There's days
+when I feel as if I was a little orf my own 'ed, so if I say anything at
+all out of the way, you'll know what it is.</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>L. of F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage
+are two Men of seafaring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from
+his Fiancée as the L. of F. takes her seat.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The Fiancé.</i> Excuse me one moment, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Leans across the L. of F. and out of the window.</i>) Well, goodbye, my
+girl; take care of yourself.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Fiancée (with a hysterical giggle).</i> Oh, I'll take care o' <i>my</i>
+self.</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Looks at the roof of the carriage.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>He (with meaning).</i> No more pickled onions, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> What a one you are to remember things! (<i>After a pause.</i>) Give my
+love to Joe.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last (<i>they embrace
+loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of
+mingled sentiment and complacency</i>). Oh, (<i>to L. of F.</i>) if you don't
+mind my stepping across you again, mum. Jenny, if you see Dick between
+this and Friday, just tell him as&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses;</i>
+<i>final parting as train starts with a jerk which throws the Fiancé upon
+the L. of F.'s lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar
+significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring Men, who
+is reclining in an easy attitude on the seat. His companion responds
+with a grin of intelligence, and produces a large black bottle from the
+rack. They drink, and hand the bottle to the Fiancé</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>The F.</i> Thankee I don't mind if I do. Here's wishing you&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug; is about to
+hand back bottle when the first Seafarer intimates that he is to pass it
+on. The L. of F. recoils in horror.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Both Seafarers (reassuringly).</i> It's <i>wine</i>, mum!</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Tableau. The Lady of Family realises that the study of third-class
+humanity has its drawbacks.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_100.png">
+<img src="images/i_100.png" width="100%" alt="Panic!" /></a>
+<p><i>Our Artist (who has strolled into a London terminus).</i>
+"What's the matter with all these people? Is there a panic?"</p>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "Panic! No, this ain't no panic. These is excursionists. Their
+train leaves in two hours, so they want to get a seat!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_101.png">
+<img src="images/i_101.png" width="100%" alt="THE BRANCH STATION" /></a>
+<h3>THE BRANCH STATION</h3>
+<p><i>Miss Tremmles (who is nervous about railways generally, and especially
+since the late outrages).</i> "Oh, porter, put me into a carriage where
+there are ladies, or respectable people, or&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "Oh, you're all safe this mornin', miss; you're th' only
+passenger in the whol' tr'ine, except another old woman."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_102.png">
+<img src="images/i_102.png" width="100%" alt="A COOL CARD" /></a>
+<h3>A COOL CARD</h3>
+<p><i>Swell (handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party).</i> "Aw&mdash;would
+you&mdash;aw&mdash;do me the favour to wead the list of the waces to me while
+we're wunning down?&mdash;I've&mdash;aw&mdash;forgotten my eyeglass. Don't mind waising
+your voice&mdash;I'm pwecious deaf!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<img src="images/i_104.png" width="100%" alt="THAT IT SHOULD COME TO THIS" />
+<h3>THAT IT SHOULD COME TO THIS!</h3>
+<p><i>Boy.</i> "Second-class, sir?"</p>
+<p><i>Captain.</i> "I nevah travel second-class!"</p>
+<p><i>Boy.</i> "This way third, sir!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_105.png">
+<img src="images/i_105.png" width="100%" alt="ART" /></a>
+<h3>ART!</h3>
+<p><i>Chatty Passenger.</i> "To show yer what cheats they are, sir, friend o'
+mine,&mdash;lots o' money, and fust-rate taste,&mdash;give the horder to one of
+'em to decorate his new 'ouse in reg'lar slap-up style!&mdash;'spare no
+expense!&mdash;with all the finest 'chromios' that could be 'ad! You know
+what lovely things they are, sir! Well, sir, would you believe
+it!&mdash;after they was sent, they turned out not to be 'chromios' at
+all!&mdash;but done by 'and!"&mdash;(<i>with withering contempt</i>)&mdash;"done by 'and,
+sir!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_106.png">
+<img src="images/i_106.png" width="100%" alt="PERMISSIVE SLAUGHTER" /></a>
+<h3>PERMISSIVE SLAUGHTER</h3>
+<center>(<i>Five Thousand Shunting Accidents in Five Years!</i>)</center><br />
+<p><i>First Shunter (with coupling-link, awaiting engine backing).</i> "I saw
+poor Jack's wife and kids last night, after the funeral. Poor things,
+what will be done for 'em?" <i>Second Shunter (at points).</i> "Oh, the usual
+thing, I s'ppose&mdash;company's blessin', and a charity mangle!&mdash;--Look
+out, mate! She's backin'!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_108.png">
+<img src="images/i_108.png" width="100%" alt="BEHIND TIME" /></a>
+<h3>BEHIND TIME</h3>
+<p><i>Ticket Collector.</i> "This your boy, mum? He's too big for a 'alf
+ticket!" <i>Mother (down upon him).</i> "Oh, is he? Well, p'rhaps he is now,
+mister; but he wasn't when we started. This 'xcursion's ever so many
+hours be'ind time, an' he's a growin' lad! So now!"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Exit in triumph.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_109.png">
+<img src="images/i_109.png" width="100%" alt="FORCE OF HABIT" /></a>
+<h3>"FORCE OF HABIT"</h3>
+<p><i>Our Railway Porter (the first time he acted as deputy in the absence of
+the beadle).</i> "T'kets r'dy! All tick-ets ready!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_110.png">
+<img src="images/i_110.png" width="100%" alt="WHY TAKE A CHILL" /></a>
+<h3>WHY TAKE A CHILL?</h3>
+<p>If your train is not heated by pipes, get plenty of foot-warmers, as
+Algy and Betty did. Sit on one, put your feet on another, a couple at
+your back, and one on your lap, and you'll get to your destination as
+they did&mdash;warm as muffins!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_112.png">
+<img src="images/i_112.png" width="100%" alt=" by your leave!" /></a>
+<center><i>Railway Porter.</i> "Now then, sir! by your leave!"</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_113.png">
+<img src="images/i_113.png" width="100%" alt="QUITE UNIMPORTANT" /></a>
+<h3>QUITE UNIMPORTANT.</h3>
+<p><i>Thompson (interrogatively, to beauteous but haughty damsel, whom he has
+just helped to alight).</i> "I beg your pardon?"</p>
+<p><i>Haughty Damsel.</i> "I did not speak!"</p>
+<p><i>Thompson.</i> "Oh&mdash;I thought you said 'Thanks'!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>IN THE HOT WEATHER TOO!</h2>
+
+<h3>DRAMATIS PERSONÆ</h3>
+
+<center>A Choleric Old Gentleman. A Cool Young Party.</center>
+
+<p class="inset"><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>&mdash;A Richmond Railway Carriage.</p>
+
+<p class="inset"><span class="smcap">Time.</span>&mdash;About 12 noon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Choleric Old Gentleman (panting, puffing, perspiring).</i> Hot, sir,
+tremendously hot.</p>
+
+<p><i>Cool Young Party.</i> It is warm.</p>
+
+<p><i>C.O.G.</i> Warm, sir! I call it blazing hot. Why the glass is 98° in the
+shade!</p>
+
+<p><i>C. Y. P.</i> Really! is that much?</p>
+
+<p><i>C. O. G.</i> Much, sir! Immense!</p>
+
+<p><i>C. Y. P.</i> Well, then, the glass is perfectly right.</p>
+
+<p><i>C. O. G.</i> Right, sir! I don't understand you, sir. What do you mean by
+saying it is right, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>C. Y. P.</i> I mean that the glass is quite right to be as much in the
+shade as it can in this warm weather.</p>
+
+<p class="inset">[<i>Choleric Old Gentleman collapses.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_114.png">
+<img src="images/i_114.png" width="100%" alt=" I dare say nobody will come in" /></a>
+<h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID</h3>
+<p>"I'm afraid we shan't have this compartment to ourselves any longer,
+Janet."</p>
+<p>"Oh, it's all right, aunty darling. If you put your head out of
+window, I dare say nobody will come in!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_115.png">
+<img src="images/i_115.png" width="100%" alt="SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION" /></a>
+<h3>A SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION</h3>
+<p><i>Groom.</i> "Beg pardon, sir,&mdash;but wos your name Tomkins?" <i>Tomkins.</i>
+"Yes!" <i>Groom.</i> "If you please, sir, master says he wos werry sorry as
+he couldn't send the feeaton&mdash;but, as his young 'oss wanted exercise, he
+thought you wouldn't mind ridin' of 'im!"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Tomkins bursts into a cold perspiration.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span>
+
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Suburban Hospitality.</span> <span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>A mile and a half to the railway
+station, on a bitter winter's night.</i></center>
+
+<p><i>Genial Host (putting his head out of doors).</i> Heavens! what a night!
+Not fit to turn a dog out! (<i>To the parting guest.</i>) Well, good-night,
+old chap. I hope you find your way to the station.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_116.png">
+<img src="images/i_116.png" width="100%" alt="A LUXURIOUS HABIT" /></a>
+<h3>A LUXURIOUS HABIT</h3>
+<p><i>Philanthropist (to railway porter).</i> "Then what time do you get to
+bed?"</p>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "Well, I seldom what yer may call gets to bed myself, 'cause
+o' the night trains. But my brother, as used to work the p'ints further
+down the line, went to bed last Christmas after the accident, and
+never&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Train rushes in, and the parties rush off.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hard Lines on Individuals.</span>&mdash;The compulsory purchase of land by a
+railway company is insult added to injury. The buyers take a site in the
+seller's face.</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center>"<span class="smcap">The Roll of the Ages.</span>"&mdash;The penny roll at railway refreshment-rooms.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_117.png">
+<img src="images/i_117.png" width="100%" alt="THE OTHER WAY ABOUT" /></a>
+<h3>"THE OTHER WAY ABOUT"</h3>
+<p><i>Irate Passenger (as train is moving off).</i> "Why the &mdash;&mdash; didn't you put
+my luggage<br /> in as I told you&mdash;you old &mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "E&mdash;h, man! yer baggage es na sic a fule as yersel. Ye're i'
+the wrang train!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_118.png">
+<img src="images/i_118.png" width="100%" alt="Dogs not allowed" /></a>
+<p><i>Railway Porter.</i> "Dogs not allowed inside the carriages, sir!"</p>
+<p><i>Countryman.</i> "What not a little tooy tarrier? Wall, thee'd better tak'
+un oot then, young man!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE PORTER'S SLAM</h2>
+
+<center>[A meeting at Manchester raised a protest against the nuisance caused by
+the needlessly loud "slamming" of railway carriage doors.]</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The porter has a patent "slam,"</p>
+<p class="i2">Which smites one like a blow,</p>
+<p class="i0">And everywhere that porter comes</p>
+<p class="i2">That "slam" is sure to go.</p>
+<p class="i0">It strikes upon the tym-pa-num</p>
+<p class="i2">Like shock of dynamite;</p>
+<p class="i0">By day it nearly makes you dumb&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">It deafens you at night.</p>
+<p class="i0">When startled by the patent "slam"</p>
+<p class="i2">The pious "pas-sen-jare,"</p>
+<p class="i0">Says something else that ends in "am"</p>
+<p class="i2">(Or he has patience rare).</p>
+<p class="i0">Not only does it cause a shock,</p>
+<p class="i2">But&mdash;Manchester remarks&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">"Depreciates the rolling stock,"</p>
+<p class="i2">Well, that is rather larks!</p>
+<p class="i0"><i>That's</i> not the point. The porter's slam</p>
+<p class="i2">Conduces to insanity,</p>
+<p class="i0">And, though as mild as Mary's lamb,</p>
+<p class="i2">Drives men to loud profanity.</p>
+<p class="i0">If Manchester the "slam" can stay</p>
+<p class="i2">By raising of a stir,</p>
+<p class="i0">All railway-travellers will say,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Bully for Man-ches-ter!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_120.png">
+<img src="images/i_120.png" width="100%" alt="MANNERS AND CUSTOMS" /></a>
+<h3>MANNERS AND CVSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE IN 1849</h3>
+<center>A raylway statyon. Showynge ye travellers refreshynge themselves.</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MR. PIPS HIS DIARY</h2>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, July 31, 1849.</i>&mdash;Prevailed upon by my wife to carry her to
+Bath, as she said, to go see her aunt Dorothy, but I know she looked
+more to the pleasure of her trip than any thing else; nevertheless I do
+think it necessary policy to keep in with her aunt, who is an old maid
+and hath a pretty fortune; and to see what court and attention I pay her
+though I do not care 2<i>d.</i> about<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> her! But am mightily troubled to know
+whether she hath sunk her money in an annuity, which makes me somewhat
+uneasy at the charge of our journey, for what with fare, cab-hire, and
+vails to Dorothy's servants for their good word, it did cost me
+altogether <i>£</i>6 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> To the Great Western station in a cab, by
+reason of our luggage; for my wife must needs take so many trunks and
+bandboxes, as is always the way with women: or else we might have gone
+there for 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> less in an omnibus. Did take our places in the
+first class notwithstanding the expense, preferring both the seats and
+the company; and also because if any necks or limbs are broken I note it
+is generally in the second and third classes. So we settled, and the
+carriage-doors slammed to, and the bell rung, the train with a whistle
+off like a shot, and in the carriage with me and my wife a mighty pretty
+lady, a Frenchwoman, and I did begin to talk French with her, which my
+wife do not well understand, and by and by did find the air too much for
+her where she was sitting, and would come and take her seat between us,
+I know, on purpose. So fell a reading the <i>Times</i>, till one got in at
+Hanwell, who seemed to be a physician, and mighty pretty discourse with
+him touching the manner of treating madmen and lunatics, which is now by
+gentle management, and is a great improvement on the old plan of chains
+and the whip. Also of the foulness of London for want of fit drainage,
+and how it do breed cholera and typhus, as sure as rotten cheese do
+mites, and of the horrid folly of making a great gutter of the river. So
+to Swindon station, where the train do stop ten minutes for refreshment,
+and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> there my wife hungry, and I too with a good appetite,
+notwithstanding the discourse about London filth. So we out, and to the
+refreshment-room with a crowd of passengers, all pushing, and jostling,
+and trampling on each others' toes, striving which should get served
+first. With much ado got a basin of soup for my wife, and for myself a
+veal and ham pie, and to see me looking at my watch and taking a
+mouthful by turns; and how I did gulp a glass of Guinness his stout!
+Before we had half finished, the guard rang the bell, and my wife with a
+start, did spill her soup over her dress, and was obliged to leave half
+of it; and to think how ridiculous I looked, scampering back to the
+train with my meat-pie in my mouth! To run hurry-skurry at the sound of
+a bell, do seem only fit for a gang of workmen; and the bustle of
+railways do destroy all the dignity of travelling; but the world
+altogether is less grand, and do go faster than formerly. Off again, and
+to the end of our journey, troubled at the soup on my wife's dress, but
+thankful I had got my change, and not left it behind me at the Swindon
+station.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_122.png">
+<img src="images/i_122.png" width="100%" alt="NARCISSUS" /></a>
+<h3>NARCISSUS</h3>
+<p><i>Little Podgers (who considers himself rather a lady-killer).</i> "Oh, I'm
+not going into that empty carriage; put me into one with some pretty
+gals."</p>
+<p>Porter. "You jump in, sir, and put yer 'ead out of the winder, you'll
+soon have a carriage-full."</p>
+<p class="inset">[Podgers sees it immediately, and enters.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_123.png">
+<img src="images/i_123.png" width="100%" alt="Boy passes ticket to coachman" /></a>
+<p><i>Lionel (to his rich uncle's coachman, who has driven him
+over to the station).</i> "And look here, Sawyer, give the governor this
+accidental insurance ticket with my love. I haven't forgotten him, and
+if anything happens to me, there's a thousand pounds for him!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_124.png">
+<img src="images/i_124.png" width="100%" alt="COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON" /></a>
+<h3>"COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON"</h3>
+<p><i>Guest.</i> "It's very kind of you to&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Hosts.</i> "Oh, we should not have felt comfortable unless we'd come with
+you, and&mdash;seen the last of you&mdash;&mdash;"!!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Small Potatoes.</span>&mdash;<i>Q.</i> Why are regular travellers by the Shepherd's Bush
+and City Railway like certain vegetables?<br /><br />
+
+<i>A.</i> Because they're "Tubers."</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_126.png">
+<img src="images/i_126.png" width="100%" alt="INOPPORTUNE" /></a>
+<h3>INOPPORTUNE</h3>
+<p><i>Newsboy (to irritable old gent who has just lost his train).</i> "Buy a
+comic paper, sir?"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Luckily, the old gentleman was out of breath from his hurry.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE TYMPANUM</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A Remonstrance at a Railway Station</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The tympanum! The tympanum!</p>
+<p class="i0">Oh! who will save the aural drum</p>
+<p class="i0">By softening to some gentler squeak</p>
+<p class="i0">The whistle's shrill <i>staccato</i> shriek?</p>
+<p class="i0">Oh! Engine-driver, did you know</p>
+<p class="i0">How your blast smites one like a blow,</p>
+<p class="i0">An inward shock, a racking strain,</p>
+<p class="i0">A knife-like thrust of poignant pain,</p>
+<p class="i0">Whilst groping through the tunnel murk</p>
+<p class="i0">You would not with that fiendish jerk</p>
+<p class="i0">Let out that <i>sudden</i> blast of steam</p>
+<p class="i0">Whose screaming almost makes <i>us</i> scream</p>
+<p class="i0">Thy whistle weird perchance may be</p>
+<p class="i0">A sad and sore necessity,</p>
+<p class="i0">But cannot Law and sense combine</p>
+<p class="i0">To&mdash;well, in short to draw the line?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Across the open let it shrill</p>
+<p class="i0">From moor to moor, from hill to hill,</p>
+<p class="i0">But in the tunnel's crypt-like gloom,</p>
+<p class="i0">The station's cramped reverberant room,</p>
+<p class="i0">A gentler, <i>graduated</i> blast!</p>
+<p class="i0"><i>Do</i> let it loose, whilst dashing past,</p>
+<p class="i0">So shall it spare us many a pang;</p>
+<p class="i0">That dread explosive bursting "bang"</p>
+<p class="i0">Which nearly splits the aural drum,</p>
+<p class="i0">The poor long-suffering tympanum!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_128.png">
+<img src="images/i_128.png" width="100%" alt="THE BLOCK SYSTEM" /></a>
+<h3>"THE BLOCK SYSTEM"</h3>
+<p><i>Affable Old Lady (to ticket clerk&mdash;morning express just due).</i> "No, I'm
+not going up this morning, but one of your penny time-tables, if you
+please; and can you tell me"&mdash;(<i>Shouts from the crowd</i>, "Now then,
+mum!")&mdash;"if the 10.45 stops at Dribblethorp Junction, and if Shandry's
+'bus meets the trains, which it always does on market days, I know,
+'cause my married sister's cousin, as is a farmer, generally goes by it.
+But if it don't come o' Toosday as well as Wednesday, I shall have to
+get out at Shuntbury and take a fly, which runs into money, you know,
+when you're by yourself like. If you'll be good enough to look out the
+trains&mdash;and change for half a sovereign, if you please. Oh no, I'm in no
+hurry, as I ain't a goin' till next week. Fine morn&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Bell rings. Position stormed.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>WONDERS OF MODERN TRAVEL</h2>
+
+<p>Wonder whether accidents will be as numerous as usual during this
+excursion season.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if a train, conveying third-class passengers, was ever known to
+start without somebody or other exclaiming, "<i>Now</i> we're off!"</p>
+
+<p>Wonder why it is that foreigners in general, and fat Germans in
+particular, always will persist in smoking with the windows shut.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder whether anybody was ever known to bellow out the name of any
+station in such a manner that a stranger could succeed in understanding
+him.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder whether it is cheaper to pay for broken bones, or for such
+increase of service as, in very many cases, might prevent their being
+broken.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder how a signalman can by any means contrive to keep a cool head on
+his shoulders, while working as one sees him in a signal-box of glass,
+and the temperature of the tropics.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if upon an average there are three men in a thousand who have
+never been puzzled by the hieroglyphics in <i>Bradshaw</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Wonder whether any railway guard or porter has ever been detected in the
+very act of virtuously declining to accept a proffered tip, on the
+ground that money, by the bye-laws, is forbidden to be taken by servants
+of the company.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder how many odd coppers the boys who sell the newspapers pocket in a
+week by the benevolence of passengers.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder what diminution there would be in the frequency of accidents,
+supposing directors were made purse-onally liable.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder whether people take to living at Redhill because it is so
+redhilly accessible by railway.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">To the Station.</span></center>
+
+<p>Wonder if my watch is right, or slow, or fast.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if that church clock is right.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if the cabman will take eighteenpence from my house to the
+station.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">The Station.</span></center>
+
+<p>Wonder if the porter understood what I said to him about the luggage.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I shall see him again.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I shall know him when I <i>do</i> see him again.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where I take my ticket.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder in which pocket I put my gold.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where I got that bad half-crown which the clerk won't take.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if that's another that I've just put down.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where the porter is who took my luggage.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where my luggage is.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder again whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in
+the cab.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder which is my train.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if the guard knows anything about that porter with the
+writing-case.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if it <i>will</i> be "all right" as the guard says it will be.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if my luggage, being now labelled, will be put into the proper
+van.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I've got time to get a sandwich and a glass of sherry.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if they've got the <i>Times</i> of the day before yesterday, which I
+haven't seen.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if <i>Punch</i> of this week is out yet.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder why they don't keep nice sandwiches and sherry.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if there's time for a cup of coffee instead.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if that's our bell for starting.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder which is the carriage where I left my rug and umbrella, so as to
+know it again.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where the guard is to whom I gave a shilling to keep a carriage
+for me.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder why he didn't keep it; by "it," I mean the carriage.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where they've put my luggage.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">The Journey.</span></center>
+
+<p>Wonder if my change is all right.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder for the second time in which pocket I put my gold.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I gave the cabman a sovereign for a shilling.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if that was the reason why he grumbled less than usual and drove
+off rapidly.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if any one objects to smoking.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder that nobody does.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where I put my lights.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder whether I put them in my writing-case.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder for the third time whether I gave my writing-case to the porter
+or left it in the cab.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p>
+<p>Wonder if anybody in the carriage has got any lights.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder that nobody has.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder when we can get some.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if there's anything in the paper.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder why they don't cut it.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I put my knife in my writing-case.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder for the fourth time whether I gave, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I can cut the paper with my ticket.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where I put my ticket.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where I <i>could</i> have put my ticket.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where the deuce I put my ticket.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder how I came to put my ticket in my right-hand waistcoat pocket.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I can read by this lamp-light in the tunnel.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder (to myself) why they don't light the carriages in a better way.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder (to my fellow-passengers) that the company don't provide better
+lights for their carriages. Fellow-passengers say they wonder at that,
+too. We all wonder.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder what makes the carriages wiggle-waggle about so.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if we're going off the line.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder what station we stop at first.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if there will be a refreshment-room there.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder (for the fifth time) whether I gave my writing-case to the
+porter, or left it in the cab.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I left the key of my writing-case in the lock.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder what the deuce I shall do if I've lost it.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">First Station.</span></center>
+
+<p>Wonder if this is Tringham or Upper Tringham.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if it's Tringham Junction.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if we change here for Stonnhurst.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if any one understands what the guard says.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if any one understands what the porter says.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where the refreshment-room is.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I run across eight lines of rail, and over two platforms, to
+where I see the refreshment-room is, whether I shall ever be able to get
+back to my own carriage.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder (while I am crossing) whether any of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> the eight trains, on any of
+the eight lines, will come in suddenly.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Refreshment-Room.</span></center>
+
+<p>Wonder what's the best thing to take.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder whether soup's a good thing.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder whether the waiter heard me ask for soup, because I've changed my
+mind, and will have some tea.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if the young lady at the counter knows that I've asked for tea,
+twice.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if those buns are stale.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if tea goes well with buns.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder what <i>does</i> go with buns.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder, having begun on buns, whether it wouldn't have been better to
+ask for sherry.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if this tea will ever be cool.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if that's our bell for starting.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if the young lady at the counter is deceiving me when she says
+I've got exactly a minute and a half.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if anybody's looking at me while I put my tea in the saucer.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if that <i>is</i> our bell.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I shall have time to get back to my carriage.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder how much tea and buns come to.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where I put my small change.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder, having nothing under half-a-crown, if I could get off without
+paying.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder they don't keep change ready.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder as I'm recrossing the lines whether any train will come in
+suddenly.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">The Platform.</span></center>
+
+<p>Wonder which is my carriage.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder (to guard familiarly) why they don't provide better lights for
+the carriages. Guard says, he wonders at that, too. Every one seems to
+wonder at that.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder (to guard again) if I can get a hot-water bottle for my feet
+anywhere. Guard wonders they don't keep 'em.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+<p>Wonder (to guard once more) if I've time to go across the line, get my
+change out of the half-crown for buns and tea, and return to my
+carriage.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if the guard is right in saying that we shall start directly.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder I forgot to ask the guard all about my luggage.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">The Carriage.</span></center>
+
+<p>Wonder, being safely in my seat, that there are not more accidents from
+people crossing the rails in a large station.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder why there's not a refreshment-room on either side.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder why they always come for your tickets after you've made yourself
+comfortable.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where the dickens I put my ticket.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder, supposing I can't find it, whether the man will believe I ever
+had one.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder, on this matter being settled satisfactorily, which is the best
+pocket for keeping tickets in.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder why they can't shut the carriage-doors without banging them.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">The Journey</span><br />(<span class="smcap">Continued</span>).</center>
+
+<p>Wonder if anybody thought of getting any lights.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I should have had time to cross over to the refreshment-room
+and get the change out of my half-crown.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder (to my opposite neighbour) what county we're passing through. He
+wonders, too. We both look out of our own side windows, and go on
+wondering.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if that protracted shrill steam-whistle means danger. Opposite
+neighbour wonders if it does.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder why we're stopping; 'tisn't a station.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder what's the matter.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder what it is.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder what it <i>can</i> be.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if it's dangerous to put one's head out of window.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if the engine has broken down.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if there's anything on the line.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if the express is behind us.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if that man on the line is making a danger signal.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder (as we are moving again) what it was.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder passengers can't have some direct means of communicating with a
+guard.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder how long we shall be before we get to Stonnhurst.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">The Journey<br /> (Concluded).</span></center>
+
+<p>Wonder if that's my portmanteau that that elderly gentleman is taking
+away with him.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if they'll send to meet me at the station.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder (if they don't send) whether there's a fly or an omnibus.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where their house is.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if the station-master knows where their house is.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder what a fly will charge.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder what I shall do if they don't send, and there isn't a fly or an
+omnibus.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder what time they dine.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I shall have time to write a letter before dinner.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder, for the sixth time, whether I gave my writing-case to the guard,
+or left it in the cab.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I <i>did</i> leave it in the cab.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if this is where I get out.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Small Station.</span></center>
+
+<p>Wonder if the guard is right in saying that, as I'm going to Redditon,
+it doesn't matter whether I get out at the next station, Stonnhurst, or
+Morley Vale, the next but one.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder for which place my luggage was labelled.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder whether after getting out at Stonnhurst I shall have to go back
+for my luggage to Morley Vale.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I do right in deciding upon getting out at Stonnhurst.</p>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Stonnhurst.</span></center>
+
+<p>Wonder if my luggage has gone on to Morley Vale.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I left my umbrella in the carriage, or forgot to bring it.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder how far it is from Stonnhurst to Morley Vale.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if they've sent a trap to meet me at Morley Vale.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder why, when people invite one to come down to some out-of-the-way
+place, they don't tell one all these difficulties in their letter.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+<p>Wonder if they'll have sense enough to drive to Stonnhurst from Morley
+Vale.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I shall meet them on the road if I walk there.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder which <i>is</i> the road.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder, in answer to demand at the station-door, where I put my ticket.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I dropped it in the carriage.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder what I can have done with it.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder if I put it into the side pocket of my overcoat when I took out
+my lights.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder where the deuce my overcoat is.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_130.png">
+<img src="images/i_130.png" width="100%" alt="What&#39;s up, then" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Chancery Lane "Tube" Station.</i></p>
+<p><i>First Lift Man.</i> "A good time comin' for me, mate. What O, for a bit of
+a chinge!"</p>
+<p><i>Second Lift Man.</i> "What's up, then?"</p>
+<p><i>First Lift Man (in impressive tones).</i> "Got shifted to the
+<i>Bank</i>&mdash;beginnin' Monday!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_132.png">
+<img src="images/i_132.png" width="100%" alt="FOND DELUSION" /></a>
+<h3>FOND DELUSION</h3>
+<p><i>First Tourist (going north).</i> "Hullo, Tompk&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Second Ditto (ditto, ditto).</i> "Hsh&mdash;&mdash;sh! Confound it, you'll spoil
+all. They think in the train I'm a Highland chief!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_134.png">
+<img src="images/i_134.png" width="100%" alt="FOR LADIES ONLY" /></a>
+<h3>FOR LADIES ONLY</h3>
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Reserved Carriages.</span>"<br /> (<i>See "Day by Day" in "Daily News"</i>)</center><br />
+<p>"If you travel in one, you run greater risks than in travelling in the
+ordinary carriages. I have known railway officials allow men to jump
+into them at the last moment before the train starts, with a mutual wink
+at each other and a very objectionable grin."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_135.png">
+<img src="images/i_135.png" width="100%" alt="DISENCHANTMENT" /></a>
+<h3>A DISENCHANTMENT</h3>
+<p><i>Northern Cr&oelig;sus.</i> "Oh! I'm so glad to meet you here, Mr. Vandyke
+Brown. The fact is, I've a <i>commission</i> for you!"</p>
+<p><i>Our Youthful Landscape Painter (dissembling his rapture).</i> "All
+right&mdash;most happy&mdash;what is it to be?"</p>
+<p><i>Northern Cr&oelig;sus.</i> "Well&mdash;my aged grandmother is going to London by
+this train&mdash;and I want to put her under your protection."</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Our Youthful Landscape Painter dissembles again.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_136.png">
+<img src="images/i_136.png" width="100%" alt="FIRST-CLASS COSTUME" /></a>
+<h3>PATENT FIRST-CLASS COSTUME FOR THE COLLISION SEASON</h3>
+<p><i>Traveller.</i> "Yes, it's decidedly warm, but there's a feeling of
+security about it I rather like." (<i>Yawns.</i>) "Any chance of a smash
+to-day!?"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Drops off to sleep!</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_137.png">
+<img src="images/i_137.png" width="100%" alt="JUDGING BY APPEARANCES" /></a>
+<h3>JUDGING BY APPEARANCES</h3>
+<p><i>Undersized Youth.</i> "Now then, first return, Surbiton, and look sharp!
+How much?"</p>
+<p><i>Clerk.</i> "Three shillings. Half-price under twelve!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_138.png">
+<img src="images/i_138.png" width="100%" alt="COLD COMFORT" /></a>
+<h3>COLD COMFORT</h3>
+<p><i>Traveller (waiting for train already twenty minutes late).</i> "Porter,
+when do you expect that train to come in?"</p>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "Can't say, sir. But the longer you waits for it, the more
+sure 'tis to come in the next minute."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span>
+
+<h2>"THE NURSERY SALOON ON THE RAILWAY"</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Our Artist's Notion of what we may expect if the Suggestion were Adopted</span></center>
+
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%">
+<a href="images/i_140a.png">
+<img src="images/i_140a.png" width="100%" alt="refreshment bar" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 95%">
+<a href="images/i_140b.png">
+<img src="images/i_140b.png" width="100%" alt="sleeping cradles" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 95%">
+<a href="images/i_140c.png">
+<img src="images/i_140c.png" width="100%" alt="Rattles" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_140d.png">
+<img src="images/i_140d.png" width="100%" alt="nurse guards" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%">
+<a href="images/i_140e.png">
+<img src="images/i_140e.png" width="100%" alt="amusing toys" /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+The saloon is fitted with refreshment bar, replete with all baby delicacies.
+</td>
+<td>
+Patent swing sleeping cradles<br /> can be secured<br /> by wire or letter.
+</td>
+<td>
+Rattles can be obtained at most<br /> of the large stations.
+</td>
+<td>
+Efficient nurse guards, to look after the babies, travel by all trains.
+</td>
+<td>
+The saloon is fitted with amusing toys, to beguile the tedium of long journeys.
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_141.png">
+<img src="images/i_141.png" width="100%" alt="RAILWAY PUZZLE" /></a>
+<h3>RAILWAY PUZZLE</h3>
+<center>To find the name of the station.</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_142.png">
+<img src="images/i_142.png" width="100%" alt="VICARIOUS" /></a>
+<h3>VICARIOUS!</h3>
+<center>(<i>On the Underground Railway</i>)</center>
+<p><i>Irascible Old Gentleman (who is just a second too late).</i> "Confound and
+D&mdash;&mdash;!"</p>
+<p><i>Fair Stranger (who feels the same, but dare not express it).</i> "Oh,
+thank you, <i>so</i> much!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_143.png">
+<img src="images/i_143.png" width="100%" alt="UNDERGROUND RAILWAY" /></a>
+<h3>UNDERGROUND RAILWAY</h3>
+<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "Well, I'm sure no woman with the least sense of decency
+would think of going down <i>that</i> way to it."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_144.png">
+<img src="images/i_144.png" width="100%" alt="REGULAR IRREGULARITY" /></a>
+<h3>REGULAR IRREGULARITY</h3>
+<p><i>Passenger (in a hurry).</i> "Is this train punctual?"</p>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "Yessir, generally a quarter of an hour late to a minute!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_146.png">
+<img src="images/i_146.png" width="100%" alt="Just saved it" /></a>
+<p><i>Perspiring Countryman (who has just, with the utmost
+difficulty, succeeded in catching train).</i> "Phew! Just saved it by
+t'skin o' my <i>teeth</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_147.png">
+<img src="images/i_147.png" width="100%" alt="BETTER NOT TO KNOW" /></a>
+<h3>"'TIS BETTER NOT TO KNOW"</h3>
+<p><i>Impudent Boy (generally).</i> "Try yer weight&mdash;only a penny!" (<i>To lady of
+commanding proportions in particular.</i>) "'Tell yer 'xact weight to a
+hounce, mum!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_148.png">
+<img src="images/i_148.png" width="100%" alt="APPALLING DISCLOSURES" /></a>
+<h3>APPALLING DISCLOSURES OVERHEARD BY AN OLD LADY IN THE
+CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO RUFFIANS IN A RAILWAY CARRIAGE.</h3>
+<p><i>First Artist.</i> "Children don't seem to me to sell now as they used."</p>
+<p><i>Second Artist (in a hoarse whisper).</i> "Well, I was at Stodge's
+yesterday. He'd just knocked off three little girls' heads&mdash;horrid raw
+things&mdash;a dealer came in, sir&mdash;bought 'em directly&mdash;took 'em away, wet
+as they were, on the stretchers, and wanted Stodge to let him have some
+more next week."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_150.png">
+<img src="images/i_150.png" width="100%" alt="NECESSITIES OF LIFE" /></a>
+<h3>NECESSITIES OF LIFE</h3>
+<p>"Yes, my lady. James went this morning with the hunters, and I've sent
+on the heavy luggage with Charles. But I've got your pencil-case, the
+bicycle, your ladyship's golf clubs and hunting crop and billiard cue,
+the lawn tennis racket, the bezique cards and markers, your ladyship's
+betting book and racing glasses and skates and walking-stick&mdash;and if
+I've forgotten anything I can easily wire back for it from the first
+station we stop at."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_151.png">
+<img src="images/i_151.png" width="100%" alt="A STRIKING ATTITUDE" /></a>
+<h3>A STRIKING ATTITUDE</h3>
+<p>Patience on a trunk waiting for a cab</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_152.png">
+<img src="images/i_152.png" width="100%" alt="RAILWAY JUGGERNAUT" /></a>
+<h3>THE RAILWAY JUGGERNAUT OF 1845</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_153.png">
+<img src="images/i_153.png" width="100%" alt="AFTER A DERBY-WINNER-DINNER" /></a>
+<h3>AFTER A DERBY-WINNER-DINNER</h3>
+<p><i>Diner</i>. "Ticket."</p>
+<p><i>Clerk</i>. "What station?"</p>
+<p><i>Diner</i>. "Wha-stashun ve-you-got?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_154.png">
+<img src="images/i_154.png" width="100%" alt="THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM" /></a>
+<h3>"THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM"</h3>
+<p><i>Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last train, has wandered to the
+end of the platform, opened the door of the signal-box, and watched the
+signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments with hazy
+perplexity, suddenly).</i> "Arf o' Burt'n 'n birrer f' me, guv'nor!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35%">
+<a href="images/i_155.png">
+<img src="images/i_155.png" width="100%" alt="you reckon by legs on this line" /></a>
+<p>"Third-class single to Ruswarp, please, and a dog ticket.
+How much?"</p>
+<p>"Fourpence-halfpenny&mdash;threepence for the dog, and three-halfpence for
+yourself."</p>
+<p>"Ah! you reckon by <i>legs</i> on this line."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_156.png">
+<img src="images/i_156.png" width="100%" alt="QUESTION SETTLED" /></a>
+<h3>THE QUESTION SETTLED</h3>
+<p><i>Mrs. M-l-pr-p.</i> "The fact is, my love, that these terrible collusions
+would never occur if the trains was only more punctilious!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Needless Panic.</span>&mdash;Mrs. Malaprop is puzzled to know what people mean
+when they talk of the present alarming Junction of affairs. She hopes it
+has nothing to do with the railways, in which she has some Deference
+shares.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Thought by a Railway Director.</span>&mdash;Britannia used to rule the waves. She
+now rules the land&mdash;with lines.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE OLD HALL</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A Story of Delusive Aspirations</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_158a.png">
+<img src="images/i_158a.png" width="100%" alt="&#39;ave you seen my old hall" /></a>
+<p>1. Jones was a tuft-hunter. One day, in a train, he encountered an
+elderly gentleman who aroused great interest in his bosom. "Porter,"
+said that elderly gentleman, "'ave you seen my old hall?" "Got an old
+hall!" murmured Jones to himself. "Rich man&mdash;probably duke! Should like
+to cultivate him!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_158c.png">
+<img src="images/i_158c.png" width="100%" alt="I&#39;ve got all manner o&#39; things in my old hall" /></a>
+<p>2. The stranger was affable. "Did you ever 'ave an old hall?" he said.
+"Why&mdash;er&mdash;n-no," said Jones. "Very convenient thing to 'ave," said the
+stranger. "I've got all manner o' things in my old hall." "Ah&mdash;armour,
+and ancestors, and tapestry, and secret doors, no doubt," thought Jones
+to himself.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_158b.png">
+<img src="images/i_158b.png" width="100%" alt="You must see my old hall" /></a>
+<p>3. "You must see my old hall," said the stranger. "I'll show you all the
+ins and outs of it. I can put you up&mdash;&mdash;" "Really very good of you!"
+exclaimed Jones. "Shall be delighted to accept&mdash;&mdash;" "Put you up to no
+hend of wrinkles about old halls," continued the stranger.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_158d.png">
+<img src="images/i_158d.png" width="100%" alt="There&mdash;there&#39;s my old hall" /></a>
+<p>4. They alighted at the terminus. "There&mdash;there's my old hall! Hain't it
+a beauty?" said the stranger. Jones sank slowly to the earth, without a
+groan. That ungrammatical stranger's vaunted possession was a hold-all.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>RULES FOR THE RAIL</h2>
+
+<center>A REMINISCENCE OF THE BAD OLD DAYS</center>
+
+<p>The President of the Board of Trade having sent a circular to the
+railway companies with reference to making provisions for the prevention
+of accidents and the enforcement of punctuality, especially in
+connection with the running of excursion trains at this period of the
+year, the following regulations will probably come under consideration.</p>
+
+<p>1. In future one line will be kept (when feasible) for up trains, whilst
+the other is reserved for the use of down-trains. This rule will not
+apply to luggage and mineral trains, and trains inaccurately shunted on
+to lines on which they (the trains) have no right to travel.</p>
+
+<p>2. Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty
+minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts.</p>
+
+<p>3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these officers
+in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only. During the
+rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may suffer no
+inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue running by
+day and by night as heretofore.</p>
+
+<p>4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them.
+He will be required, before leaving his post (when on duty), to order
+one of his children to look after the points during his absence. The
+child he selects for this office should be at least three years old.</p>
+
+<p>5. The driver and stoker in charge of an engine<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> should never sleep at
+the same time unless they have taken proper precautions beforehand to
+prevent an excessive consumption of the company's fuel.</p>
+
+<p>6. When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a
+station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express
+is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling
+stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-class
+passengers.</p>
+
+<p>7. The <i>débris</i> of a train should be removed from the rails before an
+express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken
+place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to
+the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible.</p>
+
+<p>8. As guards of excursion trains have been proved to be useless, their
+places will in future be filled by surgeons. Passengers are particularly
+requested to give no fees to the surgeons accompanying these trains, as
+the salaries of these officials will be provided for in the prices
+charged to the public for excursion tickets.</p>
+
+<p>9. In future, contracts from surgeons and chemists will be accepted on
+the same terms as those already received from refreshment caterers.</p>
+
+<p>10. The public having frequently experienced inconvenience in having to
+leave the station when requiring medical attention, in future the
+waiting-rooms of the third-class passengers will be converted into
+surgeries for first-class passengers. As these saloons will be fitted
+with all the latest inventions in surgical instruments, a small extra
+charge will be made to passengers using them.</p>
+
+<p>11. The directors (in conclusion) fully recognising the responsibility
+conferred upon them by the shareholders, if not by the public, will
+expel from their body in future (as a person evidently of unsound mind)
+any director convicted of travelling by any railway.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_159.png">
+<img src="images/i_159.png" width="100%" alt="ABOLITION OF SECOND-CLASS CARRIAGES" /></a>
+<h3>ABOLITION OF SECOND-CLASS CARRIAGES</h3>
+<p>"Are there any second-class carriages on this line, Rogers?"</p>
+<p>"No, my lord."</p>
+<p>"Ah! then take two first-class tickets, and two third."</p>
+<p>"Beg pardon, my lord! But is me and Mrs. Parker expected to go third
+class?"</p>
+<p>"Gracious heavens! No, Rogers! not for the world! The third-class
+tickets are for my lady and me!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_160.png">
+<img src="images/i_160.png" width="100%" alt="most alarming placard" /></a>
+<p>The old lady is supposed (after a great effort) to have
+made up her mind to travel, just for once, by one "of those new fangled
+railways," and the first thing she beholds on arriving at the station,
+is the above most alarming placard.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_161.png">
+<img src="images/i_161.png" width="100%" alt="TIME BY THE FORELOCK" /></a>
+<h3>"TIME BY THE FORELOCK"!</h3>
+<p><i>Dodger.</i> "Hullo, how are you! Can't stop, though, or I shan't miss my
+train!"</p>
+<p><i>Codger.</i> "Catch it, you mean."</p>
+<p><i>Dodger.</i> "No, I don't. I always used to miss my right train, so now I
+always miss the one before it, and get home in time for dinner! Ta,
+ta!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_162.png">
+<img src="images/i_162.png" width="100%" alt="the professor is not ready" /></a>
+<h3>APRIL 1</h3>
+<p><i>Mamma.</i> "Oh, I am so glad to meet you, professor. You <i>know
+everything</i>. Do tell me what time the train that stops nowhere starts."</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>For once the professor is not ready.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_163.png">
+<img src="images/i_163.png" width="100%" alt="Have you missed it" /></a>
+<h3>UNNECESSARY REMARKS</h3>
+<center>"What! Have you missed it?"</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_164.png">
+<img src="images/i_164.png" width="100%" alt="OVERCAST" /></a>
+<h3>"OVERCAST"</h3>
+<p>They were out for a day in the country&mdash;were late at the station&mdash;he
+left it to her to take the tickets&mdash;a horrid crowd&mdash;frightfully hot&mdash;and
+she was hustled and flustered considerably when she reached the
+carriage.</p>
+<p><i>He (cool and comfortable).</i> "How charming the yellow gorse&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>She (in a withering tone).</i> "You didn't 'xpect to see it blue, I
+s'ppose!"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Tacet!</i>]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_166.png">
+<img src="images/i_166.png" width="100%" alt="REMINISCENCE OF THE BOAT-RACE" /></a>
+<h3>A DELIGHTFUL REMINISCENCE OF THE BOAT-RACE</h3>
+<p><i>Sweep (to a carriage full of light blue ribbons).</i> "Won't yer make room
+for a little 'un, ladies and gents? I'm for the Cambridge lot!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_167.png">
+<img src="images/i_167.png" width="100%" alt="PRIVILEGES OF HIGH RANK" /></a>
+<h3>PRIVILEGES OF HIGH RANK</h3>
+<p><i>Railway Gatesman.</i> "It's agin the rules, my lady, openin' o' the gate
+like this; but it ain't for the likes o' me to keep yer <i>ladyship</i> a
+waitin'."</p>
+<p><i>Noble Countess.</i> "Why is it against the rules, my good man?"</p>
+<p><i>Railway Gatesman.</i> "Well, my lady, the 5.17 down express has been doo
+these ten minutes!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_168.png">
+<img src="images/i_168.png" width="100%" alt="THE NEWS" /></a>
+<h3>"THE NEWS"</h3>
+<p><i>Season-Ticket Holder (airily).</i> "'Morning, station-master. Anything
+fresh?"</p>
+<p><i>Station-Master ("bit of a wag").</i> "N-no, sir, not that I've&mdash;&mdash;
+ah!&mdash;yes&mdash;now I think of it, sir&mdash;that's fresh paint you're leaning
+agai&mdash;&mdash;!"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Violent pas seul, with language to match.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_169.png">
+<img src="images/i_169.png" width="100%" alt="A REAL GRIEVANCE" /></a>
+<h3>A REAL GRIEVANCE</h3>
+<p><i>Porter at Junction.</i> "Phew! All this luggage registered in advance and
+not a bloomin' tip do I get for handling it."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The man who got in at Blackfriars</p>
+<p class="i0">Was smoking the foulest of briars,</p>
+<p class="i0">But it went out all right&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Could I give him a light?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Hadn't got one&mdash;well, all men are liars.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I've frequently noticed the Temple</p>
+<p class="i0">Is a place there are not enough rhymes to;</p>
+<p class="i0">And that's why I've made</p>
+<p class="i0">This verse somewhat blank,</p>
+<p class="i0">And rather disregarded the metre.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">How <i>do</i> you pronounce Charing Cross?</p>
+<p class="i0">It's a point where I'm quite at a loss.</p>
+<p class="i2">Some people, of course,</p>
+<p class="i2">Would rhyme it with "horse,"</p>
+<p class="i0">But I always rhyme it with "hoss."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">A woman at Westminster Bridge</p>
+<p class="i0">Had got just a speck on the ridge</p>
+<p class="i2">Of her Romanesque nose.</p>
+<p class="i2">"It's a black, I suppose,"</p>
+<p class="i0">She observed. Then it flew&mdash;'twas a midge.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">One man from the Park of St. James,</p>
+<p class="i0">Had really the loftiest aims;</p>
+<p class="i2">In the hat-rack he sat,</p>
+<p class="i2">Used my hair as a mat,</p>
+<p class="i0">And when I demurred called me names.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I bought from the stall at Victoria</p>
+<p class="i0">A horrible sixpenny story, a</p>
+<p class="i2">Book of a kind</p>
+<p class="i2">It pained me to find</p>
+<p class="i0">For sale at our English emporia.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I found when I got to Sloane Square</p>
+<p class="i0">That my ticket was gone; my despair</p>
+<p class="i2">Was awful to see,</p>
+<p class="i2">Till at last to my glee</p>
+<p class="i0">I looked in my hat&mdash;it was there!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">As Shylock Said.</span>&mdash;<i>Railway shareholder, with shares at a discount.</i>
+"Give me my principal, and let me go."</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_170.png">
+<img src="images/i_170.png" width="100%" alt="SO LIKELY" /></a>
+<h3>SO LIKELY!</h3>
+<center><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Bar of a railway refreshment-room.</i><br /><br />
+<i>Barmaid.</i>. "Tea, sir?"<br /><br />
+<i>Mr. Boozy.</i> "Tea!!! ME!!!!"</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_172.png">
+<img src="images/i_172.png" width="100%" alt="SPEEDY RETRIBUTION" /></a>
+<h3>A SPEEDY RETRIBUTION</h3>
+<p><i>Small Boy.</i> "'Arf ticket ter Baker Street."</p>
+<p>[<i>Pays, and awaits delivery of ticket</i></p>
+<p><i>Clerk.</i> "It's a shameful thing, a kid like you smoking!"</p>
+<p><i>Small Boy (indignantly).</i> "Who are yer callin' a kid? I'm fourteen!"</p>
+<p><i>Clerk.</i> "Oh, are you? Then you pay full fare to Baker Street!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_173.png">
+<img src="images/i_173.png" width="100%" alt="A HINT TO RAILWAY TRAVELLERS" /></a>
+<h3>A HINT TO RAILWAY TRAVELLERS</h3>
+<p>By breathing on the glass&mdash;and holding a speaking doll by way of baby to
+the window&mdash;you may generally keep your compartment select.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE</h2>
+
+<p>If you see half-a-dozen new patent leather covered basket-trunks with a
+name written upon all of them, in staring white characters, accompanied
+by a gigantic portmanteau and three hat-boxes, you may know that the
+Honourable Lionel and Rowena Silverspoon have started on their
+wedding-tour.</p>
+
+<p>If you see a weather-beaten portmanteau,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> accompanied by a neat little
+trunk and a pretty little birdcage, you may know that Edwin and Angelina
+Dovecot are going to Ventnor for the honeymoon.</p>
+
+<p>If you see a big carpet-bag, accompanied by a large white umbrella and a
+tin colour-box, you may know that Daub, A.R.A., is going to Brittany in
+search of subjects.</p>
+
+<p>If you see an overcrowded portmanteau, accompanied by a double-locked
+despatch-box, you may know that urgent private affairs have induced
+Captain Bubble (Promoter of Public Companies) to leave the City
+hurriedly for Spain.</p>
+
+<p>If you see a small bundle, accompanied by a pair of handcuffs, you may
+know that urgent public affairs have induced Sergeant Smart (of the
+Detective Police) to follow the same <i>route</i> taken by Captain Bubble <i>en
+voyage</i> for Spain.</p>
+
+<p>If you see twenty-four patent reversible extra waterproof holdalls, with
+all the latest improvements, painted blue, green, yellow, and red, and
+covered with hotel labels, accompanied by thirty-seven deal packing
+cases, you may know that Colonel Jerusalem R. X. E. Squash, U.S.A., and
+family are engaged in "doing" Europe.</p>
+
+<p>If you see fifteen trunks, all more or less damaged, accompanied by an
+old portmanteau and a double perambulator, you may know that Mr. and
+Mrs. Paterfamilias and children are going to Herne Bay for a month.</p>
+
+<p>If you see, in conclusion, a neat knapsack and a spiked walking-stick,
+you may know that <i>Mr. Punch</i> is off to Switzerland to enjoy himself.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_174.png">
+<img src="images/i_174.png" width="100%" alt="ADJUSTMENT" /></a>
+<h3>ADJUSTMENT</h3>
+<p><i>Our Station-Master (to old Jinks, whom he had kindly provided with a
+foot-warmer on a journey down the line to see his sick daughter).</i>
+"Well, did you find the benefit of it, Master Jinks?"</p>
+<p><i>Old Jinks.</i> "Oh, aye, thankee, Mr. Green! Tha' there box o' hot water
+tha' wor uncommon' comfor'able, sure-ly! I sat on 'm the whol' o' the
+way, an' tha' did warm me up to-rights, I can tell 'ee!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_176.png">
+<img src="images/i_176.png" width="100%" alt="what are you waiting for?" /></a>
+<p><i>Passenger.</i> "Well, you say you've put all my luggage
+safe, what are you waiting for?&mdash;I thought you were forbidden to take
+money!"</p>
+<p><i>Porter.</i> "So we is, sir. We never 'takes' it&mdash;it's 'given to us!'"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_177.png">
+<img src="images/i_177.png" width="100%" alt="THE LIMITED MALE" /></a>
+<h3>THE LIMITED MALE.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Song for Engine-Drivers before a Collision.</span>&mdash;"Whistle&mdash;and I'll come to
+you, my lad."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Reading</span> between the lines" is a dangerous occupation&mdash;when there's a
+train coming.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The High-metalled Racer.</span>&mdash;A locomotive engine.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_178.png">
+<img src="images/i_178.png" width="100%" alt="DEFINITION WANTED" /></a>
+<h3>A DEFINITION WANTED</h3>
+<p>"Beg pardon, sir, but don't you see the notice?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, my good fellow, but I never said I was a gentleman!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MY SEASON TICKET</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Ever against my breast,</p>
+<p class="i0">Safe in my pocket pressed,</p>
+<p class="i0">Ready at my behest,</p>
+<p class="i2">Daintily pretty</p>
+<p class="i0">Gilt-printed piece of leather,</p>
+<p class="i0">Though fair or foul the weather,</p>
+<p class="i0">Daily we go together</p>
+<p class="i2">Up to the City.</p>
+<p class="i0">Yet, as I ride at ease,</p>
+<p class="i0">Papers strewn on my knees,</p>
+<p class="i0">And I hear "Seasons, please!"</p>
+<p class="i2">Shouted in warning:</p>
+<p class="i0">Pockets I search in vain</p>
+<p class="i0">All through and through again;</p>
+<p class="i0">"Pray do not stop the train&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Lost it this morning.</p>
+<p class="i0">No, I have not a card,</p>
+<p class="i0">Nor can I pay you, guard&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Truly my lot is hard,</p>
+<p class="i2">This is the reason,</p>
+<p class="i0">Now I recall to mind</p>
+<p class="i0">Changing my clothes, I find</p>
+<p class="i0">I left them all behind,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Money, cards, 'season.'"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Motto for the South-Eastern Company's Refreshment Rooms.</span>&mdash;"O Swallow,
+Swallow, flying, flying south!"</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_180.png">
+<img src="images/i_180.png" width="100%" alt="AN INQUIRING MIND" /></a>
+<h3>AN INQUIRING MIND</h3>
+<p>"Is this <i>our</i> train, aunty?"</p>
+<p>"No, dear."</p>
+<p>"Whose train is it?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_181.png">
+<img src="images/i_181.png" width="100%" alt="Railway Administration" /></a>
+<p>["An 'Imperial Railway Administration' is now a part of
+Chinese bureaucracy."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</p>
+<p>If China is to have railways, of course the dragon must enter into the
+design of the locomotives, &amp;c., as above.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_182.png">
+<img src="images/i_182.png" width="100%" alt="MASHONALAND RAILWAY" /></a>
+<h3>MASHONALAND RAILWAY</h3>
+<p>["Sir Charles Metcalfe, the engineer, is now busy at Umtali arranging
+for the station at that place."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph.</i>]</p>
+<p>Umtali station in the near future. The Boo-Boola express just due.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_183.png">
+<img src="images/i_183.png" width="100%" alt="FLYING SCOTCHMAN" /></a>
+<h3>THE FLYING SCOTCHMAN</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AT A RAILWAY STATION</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Never the time and the train</p>
+<p class="i2">And the station all together!</p>
+<p class="i0">My watch&mdash;set "fast" in vain!</p>
+<p class="i2">Slow cab&mdash;and foggy weather!</p>
+<p class="i0">I have missed the express again.</p>
+<p class="i0">It was all the porter's fault, not mine,</p>
+<p class="i0">But his mind is narrow, his brain is bleak,</p>
+<p class="i0">His slowness and red tape combine</p>
+<p class="i2">To make him take about a week</p>
+<p class="i2">To label my bag&mdash;and he dared to speak,</p>
+<p class="i2">When I bade him hurry, bad words, in fine!</p>
+<p class="i2">O epithet all incarnadine,</p>
+<p class="i4">Leave, leave the lips of the working-man!</p>
+<p class="i10">It is simply past</p>
+<p class="i10">All bounds&mdash;aghast</p>
+<p class="i4">My indignation scarce hold I can.</p>
+<p class="i2">My watch may have helped to thus mislead,</p>
+<p class="i2">My cab by the fog have been stayed indeed;</p>
+<p class="i2">But still, however these things may be,</p>
+<p class="i2">Out there on the platform wrangle we&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Oh, hot and strong slang I and he,</p>
+<p class="i10">&mdash;I and he!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_184.png">
+<img src="images/i_184.png" width="100%" alt="SYMPATHY" /></a>
+<h3>SYMPATHY</h3>
+<p><i>Passenger (in a whisper, behind his paper, to Wilkins, who had been
+"catching it" from the elder lady).</i> "Mother-'n-law?"</p>
+<p><i>Wilkins (in still fainter whisper).</i> "Ye'"</p>
+<p><i>Passenger.</i> "'Got just such 'nother!"</p>
+<p class="indent">[<i>They console together at the next buffet.</i>]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE ROUGH'S RAILWAY GUIDE</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_185.png">
+<img src="images/i_185.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>The ready rough may always regard a third-class carriage, or indeed, any
+carriage he can make his way into with or without a ticket, on the
+Underground Railway as a sort of travelling Alsatia, where brutal
+blackguardism finds "sanctuary."</p>
+
+<p>The one duty of a guard&mdash;as of a watch&mdash;is to "keep time." He is not
+expected to keep anything else, except tips. For instance he is not
+bound to keep his temper, or to keep on the look out for roughs.</p>
+
+<p>No one has a legal right to get into a carriage which is full, but then
+a third-class carriage never is full so long as one more brawny brute
+can violently force his way into it.</p>
+
+<p>When bent upon enjoying the exceptional privileges and immunities
+reserved for blackguardism by the Underground Gallios, it is only
+necessary for a few hulking ruffians, big of course, and half drunk by
+preference, to thrust themselves violently in some compartment
+containing no less than twice its legal complement. In doing this they
+will, of course, rudely trample the toes of weak women, and insolently
+dislodge the hats of inoffensive men; thus paving the way pleasantly for
+future operations.</p>
+
+<p>Having squeezed themselves in somehow, they can then further indulge in
+the lesser amenities of travel by puffing rank tobacco smoke in the
+faces of their fellow-passengers, expectorating at large with not too
+nice a reference to direction, and indulging in howling, chaff, and
+horse-play of the most offensive character.</p>
+
+<p>The addition of blasphemy, especially if there should be women and
+children present, may probably provoke a mild remonstrance from some
+one, and then the rough's opportunity has arrived at last.</p>
+
+<p>To particularise the rough's rules for dealing with such an objector and
+his sympathisers&mdash;if any&mdash;would be as tedious as superfluous; but the
+combined arts of the low pugilist, the intoxicated wife-beater, and the
+Lancashire "purler," may be called into play, with much enjoyment and
+perfect safety, until the object of his wrath is beaten into
+unconsciousness or kicked into convulsions. On reaching a station, the
+frightened passengers may perhaps dare to appeal to the guard! That
+autocratic official will of course, with much angry hustling and
+holloaing, declare that <i>he</i> can't stop to interfere, <i>his</i> business
+being, not to stay actual violence or prevent possible homicide, but to
+"keep time," and the ruffianly scoundrels go off shouting and singing
+"<i>Rule Britannia</i>" and telling their pals "what a bloomin' lark they've
+had in the Hunderground."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_186.png">
+<img src="images/i_186.png" width="100%" alt="Where for, ma&#39;am?" /></a>
+<p><i>Ticket Clerk.</i> "Where for, ma'am?"</p>
+<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "There! Lawk a mercy if I haven't forgot. Oh! mister, please
+run over a few of the willages on this railway, will yer?"</p>
+<p class="inset">[<i>Bell rings&mdash;Old Lady is swept away.</i>]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_187.png">
+<img src="images/i_187.png" width="100%" alt="YE RAILWAY STATION" /></a>
+<h3>YE RAILWAY STATION DURING YE HOLIDAY TIME IN YE ROMAN PERIOD</h3>
+<center>(From a rare old frieze (not) in ye British Museum)]</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_188.png">
+<img src="images/i_188.png" width="100%" alt="WAR&#39;S ALARMS" /></a>
+<h3>"WAR'S ALARMS"</h3>
+<p><i>Timorous Old Lady (in a twitter).</i> "Are those cannon balls,
+station-master?"</p>
+<p><i>Station-Master (compassionately).</i> "Oh no, mu'm, they're only Dutch
+cheeses, 'm', come by the Rotterdam boat last night&mdash;that's all, mu'm!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_189.png">
+<img src="images/i_189.png" width="100%" alt="THE MAIDEN&#39;S PRAYER" /></a>
+<h3>THE MAIDEN'S PRAYER</h3>
+<center>A sketch at Aldersgate Street Station</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_190.png">
+<img src="images/i_190.png" width="100%" alt="OBSTRUCTIONISTS" /></a>
+<h3>OBSTRUCTIONISTS IN A SMOKING CARRIAGE</h3>
+</div>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_191.png">
+<img src="images/i_191.png" width="100%" alt="TERMINUS TRIOLETS (1)" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<h2>TERMINUS TRIOLETS</h2>
+
+<center><i>At Charing Cross.</i></center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">To Paris by the tidal train.</p>
+<p class="i2">Here, register this luggage, quick!</p>
+<p class="i0">Why, all the world seems going, Jane,</p>
+<p class="i0">To Paris by the tidal train.</p>
+<p class="i0">It's blowing quite a hurricane;</p>
+<p class="i2">I hope, my love, you won't be sick.</p>
+<p class="i0">To Paris by the tidal train.</p>
+<p class="i2">Here, register this luggage, quick!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<center><i>At Euston.</i></center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">By Jove, I've run it precious near,</p>
+<p class="i2">Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!</p>
+<p class="i0">Look sharp, now, porter, for it's clear,</p>
+<p class="i0">By Jove, I've run it precious near.</p>
+<p class="i0">Holloa!&mdash;that gun-case&mdash;hand it here,</p>
+<p class="i2">The hat-box in the van can go.</p>
+<p class="i0">By Jove, I've run it precious near!</p>
+<p class="i2">Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span>
+
+<center><i>At Liverpool Street.</i></center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Six wholes, three halves, all second class.</p>
+<p class="i2">The baby, mind, you might have killed her.</p>
+<p class="i0">Oh, policeman, please to let us pass!</p>
+<p class="i0">Six wholes, three halves, all second class,</p>
+<p class="i0">To Yarmouth. What a madd'ning mass</p>
+<p class="i2">Of people. Do come on, Matilda.</p>
+<p class="i0">Six wholes, three halves, all second class.</p>
+<p class="i2">The baby, mind, you might have killed her.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<center><i>At Victoria.</i></center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Two first, return, to Brighton, please.</p>
+<p class="i2">Oh, yes&mdash;we'll go in Pullman's car.</p>
+<p class="i0">I like to travel at my ease;</p>
+<p class="i0">Two first, return, to Brighton, please.</p>
+<p class="i0">We're running down to breathe the breeze,</p>
+<p class="i2">I can't from business go too far.</p>
+<p class="i0">Two first, return, to Brighton, please.</p>
+<p class="i2">Oh, yes&mdash;we'll go in Pullman's car.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<center><i>At Paddington.</i></center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray;</p>
+<p class="i2">Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?</p>
+<p class="i0">How could he know we're wed to-day?</p>
+<p class="i0">Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.</p>
+<p class="i0">My darling, hide that white bouquet;</p>
+<p class="i2">My head with champagne fumes is spinning.</p>
+<p class="i0">Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.</p>
+<p class="i2">Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<center><i>At Waterloo.</i></center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Good-bye my boy; just one kiss more;</p>
+<p class="i2">You'll write to mother now and then?</p>
+<p class="i0">A sign from sea is sweet on shore,</p>
+<p class="i0">Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more.</p>
+<p class="i0">Nay, don't you cry, dear, I implore,</p>
+<p class="i2">Red eyes are never meant for men.</p>
+<p class="i0">Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more;</p>
+<p class="i2">You'll write to mother now and then?</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_192.png">
+<img src="images/i_192.png" width="100%" alt="at Paddington" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_193.png">
+<img src="images/i_193.png" width="100%" alt="The last link" /></a>
+<center>"The last link is broken that bound me to thee"</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr /><br />
+<center>BRADBURY, AGNEW, &amp; CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.</center>
+<br />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Railway Book, edited by J. A. Hammerton
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Railway Book, edited by J. A. Hammerton
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch's Railway Book
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: PHIL MAY,
+             GEORGE DU MAURIER,
+             CHARLES KEENE,
+             JOHN LEECH,
+             SIR JOHN TENNIEL,
+             E. T. REED,
+             L. RAVENHILL,
+             J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
+             REGINALD CLEAVER,
+             AND MANY OTHER HUMOROUS ARTISTS
+
+Release Date: January 21, 2011 [EBook #35027]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "READING BETWEEN THE LINES"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK
+
+_WITH 160 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+BY PHIL MAY,
+GEORGE DU MAURIER,
+CHARLES KEENE,
+JOHN LEECH,
+SIR JOHN TENNIEL,
+E. T. REED,
+L. RAVENHILL,
+J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
+REGINALD CLEAVER,
+AND MANY OTHER HUMOROUS ARTISTS
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY
+LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS
+SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+IRISH HUMOUR
+COCKNEY HUMOUR
+IN SOCIETY
+AFTER DINNER STORIES
+IN BOHEMIA
+AT THE PLAY
+MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+ON THE CONTINONG
+RAILWAY BOOK
+AT THE SEASIDE
+MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+WITH ROD AND GUN
+MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+BOOK OF SPORTS
+GOLF STORIES
+IN WIG AND GOWN
+ON THE WARPATH
+BOOK OF LOVE
+WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WORD AT STARTING
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ONLY a few years before MR. PUNCH began his long and brilliant career
+had passenger trains and a regular system of railway travelling come
+into existence. In his early days it was still very much of a novelty to
+undertake a journey of any length by train; a delightful uncertainty
+prevailed not only as to the arrival at a given destination, but equally
+as to getting away from a starting-place. Naturally, the pens and
+pencils of his clever contributors were then frequently in use to
+illustrate the humours of railway travel, and even down to the present
+time MR. PUNCH has not failed to find in the railway and its
+associations "a source of innocent merriment."
+
+It must be admitted that some thirty years ago the pages of PUNCH
+literally teemed with biting satires on the management of our railways,
+and the fact that his whole-hearted denunciations of the inefficient
+service, the carelessness which resulted in frequent accidents, the
+excessive charges, the inadequate accommodation, could have been allowed
+to pass without numerous actions for libel, is proof of the enormous
+advantages which the present generation enjoys in this great matter of
+comfortable, rapid and inexpensive transit. Where MR. PUNCH in his
+wrath, as voicing the opinion of the public, was wont to ridicule and
+condemn the railways and all associated therewith, we to-day are as
+ready, and with equal reason, to raise our voice in praise. But ridicule
+is ever a stronger impulse to wit than is appreciation, and in these
+later days when we are all alive to the abounding merits of our railway
+system MR. PUNCH has had less to say about it. If we were to cull from
+his pages written in the days of his wrath we might be held guilty of
+presenting a gross travesty of the conditions now obtaining. Thus it is
+that in one or two cases only have we retained passages from his earlier
+chronicles, such as "Rules for the Rail" and "The Third-Class
+Traveller's Petition," which have some historical value as reminders
+that the railway comfort of the present day presents a remarkable
+contrast to the not very distant past.
+
+To-day every member of the community may be regarded as a railway
+traveller, so large a part does the railway play in modern life; and it
+will be admitted that, with all our improvements, the element of humour
+has not been eliminated from our comings and goings by train. We trust
+it never may. Here, then, is a compilation of the "best things,"
+literary and pictorial, that have appeared in MR. PUNCH'S pages on the
+subject, and with his cheery presence as our guard, let us set forth
+upon our excursion into the Realm of Fun!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK
+
+RAILWAY JOKES
+
+_As Played Daily on the Principal Lines_
+
+_Turning Business into Pleasure._--Take a traveller pressed for time,
+and induce him to enter a train supposed to be in correspondence with
+another train belonging to another line, and by which other train the
+traveller proposes to proceed to his destination. As the first train
+arrives at the junction, start off the second train _en route_ for Town.
+The dismay of the traveller when he finds his journey interrupted will
+be, to say the least, most mirth-moving.
+
+_The Panic-stricken Passengers._--Allow an express train to arrive at
+the station of a rival company two hours behind its time. The travellers
+will, of course, be anxious to learn the cause of the delay, and will
+(again of course) receive no sort of information on the subject from
+the servants of the rival company. Should there be any nervous ladies in
+the train, the fun will become fast and furious.
+
+_A Lark in the Dark._--Start a train ten minutes late, and gradually
+lose time until it arrives in the middle of a long tunnel, and then stop
+the engine. Stay where you are for half an hour, whistling and letting
+off steam every now and then, to increase the excitement. Should it be
+known in the train that an express is due on the line of rails already
+occupied by the carriages, the humour of the situation will be greatly
+improved. Before playing this joke, it will be as well to lock the
+carriage-doors, and to carefully sever the cord of communication
+existing (on some lines) between the passengers and the guard.
+
+_A Comical Meal._--On a long journey promise that the train shall stop
+at a stated station ten minutes for refreshments. Lose time in the
+customary manner, and allow the train to arrive at the stated station
+half an hour late. Permit the passengers to descend and to enter the
+refreshment-rooms. The moment they are served, drive them back hurriedly
+into the carriages with the threat that if they are not immediately
+seated in their places they will be left behind. When the passengers are
+once more in their compartments, the carriage-doors should be securely
+locked, and the train can then remain waiting beside the platform for
+three-quarters of an hour.
+
+_The Strange Companions._--Invite ladies and gentlemen to travel in a
+first-class carriage. When the compartment is a third full, over-fill it
+with "merry" excursionists holding third-class tickets. The contrast
+between the "merriment" of the excursionists and the disgust of the
+ladies and gentlemen will be found a source of never-ending amusement.
+
+_A Wholesome Joke (added by Mr. Punch and suggested to the
+Passengers)._--Whenever you find yourselves subjected to the "fun" of
+the railway officials, write to the newspapers and obtain a summons
+against the directors of the company which you believe to be in fault.
+_Verb. sap._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Half third return to Brixton, please."
+
+"Half! What's your age?"
+
+"I'm thirteen at home; but I'm only nine and a half on railways."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Friend (to minor rail official at provincial station)_
+"'Ullo Cocky, where 'ave you been all this time?"
+
+_Minor R.O. (with dignity)._ "Oh I had to go up on duty for the Naval
+Review at Spit'ead, I 'ad."
+
+_Friend (impressed)._ "Ah! Fine sight I expect it wur?" _Minor R.O._
+"Well, I can't say as I _saw much of it. I war taking the tickets at
+Vaux'all!"_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EXCITING TIME
+
+Poor Jones is convinced that his worst fears are at last realised, and
+he is left alone with a _dangerous lunatic!!_ (It was only little
+Wobbles running anxiously over the points of his coming speech to the
+electors of Plumpwell-on-Tyme!!)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN
+
+SCENE--_A third-class carriage._ TIME--_Three hours before the next
+station._ DRAMATIS PERSONAE--_Jones and Robinson._
+
+"It's the _last!_--and it's a Taendstickor. It'll only strike on the
+box!"
+
+"Strike it on the box, then;--but for Heaven's sake, be careful!"
+
+"Yes; but, like a fool, I've just pitched the box out of window!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.
+
+_Passenger (in second class)._ "I think I've got into the wrong
+carriage."
+
+_Ticket Inspector (sternly)._ "The difference must be paid!"
+
+_Passenger (triumphantly)._ "Oh, just so! Then I'll trouble you for
+three shillings--I've a first-class ticket!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A REMINDER
+
+_Old Lady._ "Now, porter, you're quite sure you've put all my luggage
+in?--the big portmantle and----"
+
+_Porter._ "All right, mum."
+
+_Old Lady._ "And you're certain I've not left anything behind----"
+
+_Porter._ "No, mum, not even a copper!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOTES OF TRAVEL
+
+_The Cunard "Special" full speed for London_
+
+_John Bull (of the World in general)._ "There is nothing to be alarmed
+at. Surely your American trains go much faster than this?"
+
+_Jonathan (from the West in particular)._ "Why, yaas. But 'tain't that.
+I'm afeard it'll run off your darned little island!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Impatient Traveller._ "Er--how long will the next train
+be, portah?"
+
+_Porter._ "Heaw long? Weel, sir ah dunno heaw ah con saay to hauf an
+inch. Happen there'll be fower or five co-aches an' a engine or soa."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LEVEL CROSSING
+
+"Are there no more trains this evening on the up line, porter?"
+
+"No, mum."
+
+"And no more trains on the down line?"
+
+"No, mum."
+
+"Is there no _special_ train?"
+
+"No, mum."
+
+"Nor an _excursion_ train?"
+
+"No, mum. The gates are to for the rest of the evening."
+
+"You're quite sure?"
+
+"Yes, mum."
+
+"Then come, Amelia. We can cross the line!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Maid._ "Is this a smoking compartment, young man?"
+
+_Obliging Passenger._ "No, mum. 'Igher up!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MISSING SPINSTER
+
+  You may boast your great improvements,
+  Your inventions and your "movements,"
+    For those who stay at home, and those who travel;
+  But arrangements for the latter
+  Are so complex, that the matter
+  Makes them dotty as a hatter
+                  To unravel.
+
+  There was once an ancient lady
+  Whom we knew as Miss O'Grady,
+    Who was asked to spend the autumn down at Trew.
+  So in fear and trepidation
+  She sought out her destination,
+  And betook her to the station--
+                  Waterloo.
+
+  She took her little ticket
+  And she did not fail to stick it
+    With half-a-dozen coppers in her glove.
+  Another moment found her
+  With a plenty to astound her--
+  For she'd notice-boards all round her,
+                  And above!
+
+  So she studied every number
+  On those sign-posts that encumber
+    All the station; and she learned them one by one;
+  But she found the indication
+  Of the platforms of the station
+  Not much use as information
+                  When she'd done.
+
+  In her shocking state of fluster
+  Little courage could she muster,
+    Yet of porters she accosted one or two;
+  But, too shy to claim attention,
+  And too full of apprehension,
+  She could get no one to mention
+                  "Which for Trew."
+
+  So she trudged through every station--
+  "North," "South," "Main,"--in quick rotation,
+    And then she gave a trial to the "Loop";
+  Like some hapless new Pandora
+  She sat down a-gasping for a
+  Little hope to live on--or a
+                  Plate o' soup.
+
+           * * * * *
+
+  'Mid the bustle and the hissing
+  An old maiden lady's "Missing"--
+    In some corner of the complicated maze;
+  And round about she's gliding
+  In unwilling, hideous hiding,
+  On the platform, loop, or siding,
+                  In a craze.
+
+  And still they cannot find her,
+  For she leaves no trace behind her
+    At Vauxhall, Clapham Junction, Waterloo;
+  But she passes like a comet
+  With the myst'ry of Mahomet--
+  Her course unknown--and from it
+                  Not a clue!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MOST OFFENSIVE
+
+_Railway Porter._ "If you please, sir, was this your'n?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A RAILWAY COLLUSION--A HINT TO STATION-MASTERS
+
+_Porter._ "Now, then, Bill! are you off?"
+
+_Cab Ruffian._ "No; what sort of fare is it?"
+
+_Porter._ "Single gent, with small bag."
+
+_Ruffian._ "Oh, _he_ won't do! Can't yer find us a old lady and two
+little gals with lots o' boxes? I'm good for a pint!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHANGELINGS; OR, A STORY WITHOUT (POLITE) WORDS.
+
+"Them's the only dogs as come by this train, sir. The guard says as 'ow
+there was three sportin' dogs, as 'ad ate their label off, wot's gone on
+by the Scotch Express."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATHER 'CUTE.--_Small but Sharp Passenger._ "Look here! You didn't give
+me the right change just now!"
+
+_Clerk._ "Too late, sir! You should have spoken when you took your
+ticket!"
+
+_Passenger._ "_Should_ I? Well, it's of no consequence to me; but you
+gave me half-a-sovereign too much! Ta-ta!"     _[Exit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+SMOKING COMPARTMENT
+
+WAIT TILL THE TRAIN STOPS
+
+THIRD CLASS. TO SEAT SIX
+
+UNDERGROUND STUDIES]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAYS]
+
+_Stoker._ "Wery sorry to disturb yer at supper, ladies, but could yer
+oblige me with a scuttle o' coals for our engine, as we've run short of
+'em this journey?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REPARTEES FOR THE RAILWAY
+
+"No smoking allowed." Of course, but I am going to enjoy my cigar in
+silence.
+
+"Want the window closed." Very sorry, but I can't find a cathedral.
+
+"Find my journal a nuisance." Dear me! was under the impression it was a
+newspaper.
+
+"Allow you to pass." Afraid only the Secretary can manage that for you;
+he alone has power to issue free tickets.
+
+"Do I mind the draught?" Not when I am attending to the chessman.
+
+"Do I know the station?" Of the people on the platform? Probably lower
+middle class.
+
+"Is this right for Windsor?" Yes, if it's not left for somewhere else.
+
+"Are we allowed five minutes for lunch?" Think not; but you can have
+sandwiches at the counter.
+
+"Isn't this first-class?" Quite excellent--first-rate--couldn't be
+better!
+
+"I want to go second." Then you had better follow me.
+
+"I am third." Indeed! And who were first and second.
+
+"I think this must be London." Very likely, if it is, it mustn't be
+anywhere else.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY OF THE WHIRLED.--The rail-way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"VERY HARD LINES."--The railways.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RAILWAY AMALGAMATION--A PLEASANT STATE OF THINGS]
+
+_Passenger._ "What's the matter, guard?"
+
+_Guard (with presence of mind)._ "Oh, nothing particular, sir. We've
+only run into an excursion train!"
+
+_Passenger._ "But, good gracious! there's a train just behind us, isn't
+there?"
+
+_Guard._ "Yes, sir! But a boy has gone down the line with a signal; and
+it's very likely they'll see it!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES.
+
+The party that _never_ says, "Thank  |  The party that _always_ says,
+you!"                                |  "Thank you!"
+
+When you open the door, shut the window, or give up your seat for her.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE THIRD-CLASS TRAVELLER'S PETITION
+
+  (1845)
+
+  Pity the sorrows of a third-class man,
+    Whose trembling limbs with snow are whitened o'er,
+  Who for his fare has paid you all he can:
+    Cover him in, and let him freeze no more!
+
+  This dripping hat my roofless pen bespeaks,
+    So does the puddle reaching to my knees;
+  Behold my pinch'd red nose--my shrivell'd cheeks:
+    You should not have such carriages as these.
+
+  In vain I stamp to warm my aching feet,
+    I only paddle in a pool of slush;
+  My stiffen'd hands in vain I blow and beat;
+    Tears from my eyes congealing as they gush.
+
+  Keen blows the wind; the sleet comes pelting down,
+    And here I'm standing in the open air!
+  Long is my dreary journey up to Town,
+    That is, alive, if ever I get there.
+
+  Oh! from the weather, when it snows and rains,
+    You might as well, at least, defend the poor;
+  It would not cost you much, with all your gains:
+    Cover us in, and luck attend your store.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CAUTION
+
+No wonder Miss Lavinia Stitchwort thought the people very rude at the
+station when she went for her "water-proof" (which she had lost on the
+railway some time before). She found out when she got home she had not
+removed the "unclaimed property" label!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nervous Party._ "The train seems to be travelling at a
+fearful pace, ma'am."
+
+_Elderly Female._ "Yus, ain't it? My Bill's a-drivin' of the ingin, an'
+'e _can_ make 'er go when 'e's got a drop o' drink in 'im!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ORIGIN OF RAILWAYS.--The first idea of railways is of very ancient
+date, for we hear of the Great Norman line immediately after the
+Conquest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY NEWS.--There is an old lady who says, that she always likes to
+travel by a trunk line, because then she feels confidence about the
+safety of her luggage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"RAILWAY COUPLING."--When the porter marries the young lady in the
+refreshment department.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FIRST "BRADSHAW"
+
+A reminiscence of Whitsun Holidays in Ancient Egypt. From an old-time
+tabl(e)ature]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY REFORM.--Compartments to be reserved for ladies over and under a
+certain age.
+
+As there will invariably be compartments for those who smoke, so also
+for those who snuff. The former will be labelled as usual "for Smokers,"
+the latter "for Snuffers." The last-mentioned will be tried as far as
+Hampton Wick.
+
+The "Sleeping Cars" will be divided into "Snorers" and "Non-Snorers."
+Tickets will be issued subject to these regulations.
+
+It is important to the Shareholders to know that on and after the
+abolition of the Second Class, the motto of the Company will be "No
+Returns."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PLUTOCRAT.--_Swell._ "'Dyou oblige me--ah--by shutting your
+window?--ah----"
+
+_Second Passenger (politely)._ "Really, sir, if you will not press it,
+as yours is shut, the air is so warm I would rather keep this open. You
+seem to take great care of yourself, sir----"
+
+_Swell._ "Care of myself! Should wather think so. So would you, my dear
+fel-lah, if you'd six thousand a ye-ar!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SLOW TRAIN
+
+  On Southern lines the trains which crawl
+    Deliberately to and fro
+  Make life a burden; of them all
+    This is the slowest of the slow.
+  Impatiently condemned to bear
+    What is indeed an awful bore,
+  I've seemed to be imprisoned there
+                Three days, or more.
+
+  The angry passengers complain;
+    Of new electric cabs they talk.
+  They sit and swear at such a train,
+    And ask, "Shall we get out and walk?"
+  It's true the time seems extra long
+    When spent in such a wretched way,
+  My calculation may be wrong--
+                Three hours, say.
+
+  The other day I had to come
+    By this slow train, but facing me
+  Was no old buffer, dull and dumb;
+    I chatted with my vis-a-vis.
+  A pretty smile, a pretty dress,
+    Gay spirits no fatigue could crush;
+  With her it was a quick express,
+                Three minutes' rush.
+
+  For once I sadly left the train,
+    For once the time too quickly passed.
+  I still could angrily complain,
+    Why travel so absurdly fast?
+  At lightning speed that special went
+    (I'd paid the ordinary fare),
+  Now looking back it seems we spent
+                Three seconds there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BANK HOLIDAY SKETCH
+
+_Facetious Individual (from carriage window)._ "Change 'ere, 'ave we?
+Then kindly oblige me with a sardine-opener!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEDNESBURY STATION.--_First Collier._ "Trains leave for Birmingham,
+10.23 a.m., 6.23 p.m."
+
+_Second Collier._ "What's p.m.?"
+
+_First Do._ "A penny a mile, to be sure."
+
+_Second Do._ "Then, what's a.m.?"
+
+_First Do._ "Why, that must be a a'penny a mile."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RAILWAY LUXURIES
+
+_Excursionist._ "I say--'ere! This water's full o'crumbs!"
+
+_Aquarius._ "That ain't crumbs! That's only the sawdust off the hice!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY AND SOCIAL SYNONYMS
+
+_'Traction Engines._--Too many Girls of the Period.
+
+_Truck-Trains._--Most marriage processions at St. George's, Hanover
+Square.
+
+_Continuous Brakes._--The results of lodging house attendance.
+
+_Changing Lines._--What we often see after the honeymoon.
+
+_Shunted on to a Siding._--Paterfamilias when Baby appears.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A party who is quite in favour of light railways for town
+and country.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR COUNTRY COUSINS
+
+_The Gushington girls have just arrived by rail, and are inhaling the
+odours of an average London terminus._
+
+_Miss Milly Gushington._ "Wait a bit, uncle." (_Sniff._) "Oh, isn't it
+lovely, Hilly? Doesn't it just _smell_ of the season?"
+
+_Miss Hilly Gushington._ "Don't speak about it--only sniff!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TOURIST'S ALPHABET
+
+(_Railway Edition_)
+
+  A is the affable guard whom you square:
+  B is the _Bradshaw_ which leads you to swear:
+  C is the corner you fight to obtain:
+  D is the draught of which others complain:
+  E are the enemies made for the day:
+  F is the frown that you wear all the way:
+  G is the guilt that you feel going third:
+  H is the humbug by which you're deterred:
+  I is the insult you'll get down the line:
+  J is the junction where you'll try to dine:
+  K is the kettle of tea three weeks old:
+  L are the lemon drops better unsold:
+  M is the maiden who says there's no meat:
+  N is the nothing you thus get to eat:
+  O is the oath that you use--and do right:
+  P is the paper to which you _don't_ write:
+  Q are the qualms to directors unknown:
+  R is the row which you'll find all your own:
+  S is the smash that is "nobody's fault:"
+  T is the truth, that will come to a halt:
+  U is the pointsman--who's up the whole night:
+  V is the verdict that says it's "all right."
+  W stands for wheels flying off curves:
+  X for express that half shatters your nerves:
+  Y for the yoke from your neck that you fling,
+  and Z for your zest as you cut the whole thing!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STARTLING!
+
+_Constable (to nervous passenger, arrived by the Ramsgate train)._ "I've
+got yer"--(_"Ger-acious Heavens!" thinks little Skeery with a thrill of
+horror. "Takes me for somebody that's 'wanted'!"_)--"a cab, sir."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE MORE HASTE THE WORSE SPEED"
+
+SCENE--_The Charing Cross Station of the District Railway._
+
+_Country Cousin, bound for Bayswater, to ticket clerk, with scrupulous
+politeness._ If you please, I want a first-class ticket to Bayswater.
+
+_Ticket Clerk (abruptly)._ No first-class here. Go to the next
+booking-place.
+
+  [_Country Cousin retires rebuffed, and finds his way to next
+  booking-place._
+
+_Country Cousin._ If you please, I want a first-class ticket to
+Bayswater.
+
+_Ticket Clerk (explosively)._ Single or return? Look sharp! You're not
+the only person in London!
+
+_Country Cousin (humbly)._ Single, please.
+
+  [_The ticket and change are slapped down unceremoniously, and Country
+  Cousin is shoved on from behind by an impatient City man. Rushes
+  precipitately down brass-bound steps, and presents his ticket to be
+  snipped._
+
+_Snipper (inspecting ticket)._ Queen's Road, Bayswater? Wrong side! Go
+up the stairs, and turn to the right. Look sharp! There's a train just
+coming in!
+
+  [_Country Cousin, with a deepened sense of humiliation and bewilderment,
+  hurries upstairs, turns to the right, and reaches entrance to platform
+  just in time to have gate slammed in his face. The train being gone,
+  gate is re-opened, and the necessary snipping performed on his ticket._
+
+_Country Cousin (to Snipper, politely)._ If you please--will the next
+train take me to Queen's Road, Bayswater?
+
+_Saturnine Official._ Can't tell you till the train comes.
+
+  [_Country Cousin paces the platform in moody silence, and wishes he had
+  taken a cab. Enter train, rushing madly along._
+
+_Stentorian voice (without stops)._ Earl's Court North End and
+Hammersmith train first and second-class forward third behind!
+
+  [_Country Cousin makes his way towards a carriage, but finds it full.
+  Tries another with the same result, and is frantically endeavouring to
+  open the door of a third-class compartment in which there is one vacant
+  seat next a fat woman with a baby, when train moves on._
+
+_Indignant Official._ Stand away there! Stand away, will you! (_Drags
+back Country Cousin._) That ain't your train! What do you want a-tryin
+to get in there for?
+
+  [_Country Cousin, in deeper humiliation, re-arranges dress, disturbed by
+  recent struggle and resumes his agitated march._
+
+_Enter another train more madly than the first._
+
+_Stentorian voice._ High Street Kensington Notting Hill Gate and
+Bayswater train main line train!
+
+_Country Cousin (to Haughty Official, in an agony of entreaty)._ Is this
+train for Queen's Road, Bayswater?
+
+_Haughty Official._ Yes, Queen's Road. Look sharp! She'll be off in a
+minute.
+
+  [_Country Cousin scrambles through the crowd to a carriage; drops his
+  umbrella; stoops to pick it up and on rising finds train three parts
+  through the tunnel. Exit Country Cousin in a rage, to get a cab, having
+  lost twenty minutes, the price of his unused ticket, his self-respect,
+  and that of everybody he has come in contact with in the Metropolitan
+  District Railway Station._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHEN IN DOUBT--DON'T!
+
+SCENE--_Country Station_
+
+_Gent._ "Are the sandwiches fresh, my boy?"
+
+_Country Youth._ "Don't know, I'm sure, sir. I've only been here a
+fortnight!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DILEMMA
+
+_Station-Master._ "Now then! Look alive with they dougs! Where are
+you----"
+
+_Overdriven Porter._ "Hoots! they've a' eaten their tuck'ts, an' dinna
+ken fa the're gaen tae!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RISKS
+
+_Shrewd Clerk (with an eye to his percentage)._ "Take an accident
+insurance ticket, sir?"
+
+_Passenger (nervously)._ "Wha' for?!"
+
+_Clerk._ "Well, sir, nothing has gone wrong 'twixt this and London for
+the last fourteen months; and, by the haverages, the next smash on the
+hup line is hoverdue exactly six weeks and three days!!"
+
+    [_Old Gent forks out with alacrity._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MY "PUFF PUFF"
+
+  Puff me away from the noise and the worry;
+    Puff me away from the desolate town;
+  Puff me--but don't be in too great a hurry;
+    Puff me, but don't in a tunnel break down.
+
+  Puff me away to my loved Isle of Thanet
+    Swiftly--or e'en at the pace called the snail's,
+  Puff me the sea-breeze, and pleasantly fan it
+    Into my nostrils--but don't leave the rails.
+
+  Puff me away, far from Parliament's houses;
+    For brown moors of Scotland my soul is athirst--
+  For a smell of the heather, a pop at the grouses;
+    Puff me, but mind that your boiler don't burst.
+
+  Puff me _en route_ for care-killing Killarney,
+    Tenderly take me, as bridegroom his bride;
+  Bear me towards Erin, blest birthplace of Blarney,
+    Puff, puff, like blazes--but, _please_, don't "collide!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE
+
+_Customer_ (Time--_Saturday afternoon_). "I don't want all coppers in
+change for that shilling. Haven't you got any silver?"
+
+_Newsboy._ "All right, sir. Want a little Sunday money, I s'pose, sir?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER
+
+  At first I loved thee--thou wast warm,--
+    The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin'."
+  I tipped him as thy welcome form
+    He carried, with a grateful smile, in.
+
+  Alas! thou art a faithless friend,
+    Thy warmth was but dissimulation;
+  Thy tepid glow is at an end,
+    And I am nowhere near my station!
+
+  I shiver, cold in feet and hands,
+    It is a legal form of slaughter,
+  They don't warm (!) trains in other lands
+    With half a pint of tepid water.
+
+  I spurn thy coldness with a kick,
+    And pile on rugs as my protectors,
+  I'd send--to warm them--to Old Nick,
+    Thy parsimonious directors!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIFFERENT WAYS OF TRAVELLING.--Man travels to expand his ideas; but
+woman--judging from the number of boxes she invariably takes with
+her--travels only with the object of expanding her dresses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE BEST OF MOTIVES."--Locomotives.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A LIBERAL MEASURE"
+
+_Rude Boy (to stout party on weighing-machine, which is out of order,
+and won't work)._ "Shove in another penny, guv'nor. It's double fare to
+chaps o' your size!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOXHUNTER'S DEFINITION OF A MAIL-TRAIN.--A Post and Rails.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AS A RULE.--"Signal Failures"--Railway accidents.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THREE RAILWAY GAUGES.--Trains are made for the Broad Gauge, the Narrow
+Gauge, and the Lug-gage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ZOOLOGY
+
+_Railway Porter (to old lady travelling with a menagerie of pets)._
+"'Station-master say, mum, as cats is 'dogs,' and rabbits is 'dogs,' and
+so's parrots; but this ere 'tortis' is a insect, so there ain't no
+charge for it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LOGIC
+
+_Stout Party._ "What! no room! Ain't that man just got out? If people
+can get out, people can get in!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE QUICKEST OF ALL EXPRESS TRAINS.--The train of thought.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STARTLING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.--A punctual train.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KEEP YOUR TEMPER.--Avoid entering into an argument with a deaf man in a
+railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DON'T TOUCH ME, OR I'LL SCREAM!" as the engine whistle said to the
+stoker.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A MAN AND A PASSENGER!"
+
+_Sweep._ "'Elp us up with my luggage, mate!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI
+
+  I
+
+SCENE--_Interior of Third-Class Smoking Compartment. First Passenger,
+apparently a small Suburban Tradesman, of a full and comfortable habit,
+seated by window. To him enters a seedy but burly Stranger, in a state
+of muzzy affability, with an under-suggestion of quarrelsomeness._
+
+_The Stranger (leaning forward mysteriously)._ Yer saw that gentleman I
+was a torkin' to as I got in? Did yer know 'oo he _was_?
+
+_First Passenger (without hauteur, but with the air of a person who
+sets a certain value on his conversation)._ Well, he didn't look much
+like the Archbishop of Canterbury.
+
+_The S._ He's a better man than _'im_! That was Brasher, the middling
+weight! he giv' me the orfice straight about Killivan and Smifton, _he_
+did!
+
+_First P. (interested, as a lover of the Noble Art of Self Defence)._
+Ah! did he, though?
+
+_The S._ He _did_; I went up to him, and I sez, "Excuse me," I sez,
+like that, I sez, "but are you an American, or a German?"
+
+_First P. (with superiority)._ He wouldn't like that--being taken for a
+German.
+
+_The S. (solemnly)._ Those were my very words! And he sez, "No, I'm a
+Yank," and then I knoo 'oo 'e was, d'ye see? and so (_hazily_) one word
+brought up another, and we got a torkin'. If I was to tell you I'd
+_seen_ Killivan, I should be tellin' yer a lie!
+
+_First P._ Well, I won't ask you to do that.
+
+_The S. (firmly)._ Nor I wouldn't. But you've on'y to look at Smifton to
+see 'e's never 'ad a smack on the 'ed. Now, there's Sulton--'e's a
+_good_ man, _'e_ is--'e _is_ a good man! Look 'ow that feller knocks
+'isself about! But if I was to pass _my_ opinion, it 'ud be
+this--Killivan's _in_ it for science, he ain't in it to _take_ anything;
+you may take that from me!
+
+_First P._ (_objecting to be treated as an_ ingenu). It's not the first
+time I've heard of it, by a long way.
+
+_The S._ Ah! and it's the truth, the Bible truth (_putting his hand on
+First P.'s knee_). Now, you b'leeve what I'm a'goin' to tell yer?
+
+_First P. (his dignity a little ruffled)._ I will--if it's anything in
+reason.
+
+_The S._ It's this: My opinion of Killivan and Sulton's this--Sulton
+_brought_ Killivan _out_. I'm on'y tellin' yer from 'earsay, like; but I
+_know_ this myself--one lived in 'Oxton, and the other down Bermondsey
+way. 'E's got a nice little butcher's business there at this present
+moment; and 'e's a mug if 'e turns it up!
+
+_First P. (axiomatically)._ Every man's a mug who turns a good business
+up.
+
+_The S._ Yer right! And (_moralising_) it ain't _all_ 'oney with that
+sort o' people, neither, I can tell yer! I dessay, now, when all's put
+to the test, you're not a moneyed man--no more than I am myself?
+
+_First P. (not altogether flattered)._ Well--that's as _may_ be.
+
+_The S._ But I b'leeve yer to be a man o' the world, although I don't
+_know_ yer.
+
+_First P. (modestly)._ I used to be in it at one time.
+
+_The S. (confidentially)._ I'm in it _now_. I don't get my livin' by it,
+though, mind yer. I'm a mechanic, I am--to a certain extent. I've been
+in America. _There's_ a country now--they don't over-tax like they do
+'ere!
+
+_First P. (sympathetically)._ There you _'ave_ touched a point--we're
+taxed past all common sense. Why, this very tobacco I'm smoking now is
+charged----
+
+_The S._ Talkin' of terbaccer, I don't mind 'aving a pipe along with yer
+myself.
+
+_First P. (handing his pouch with a happy mixture of cordiality and
+condescension)._ There you are, then.
+
+_The S. (afflicted by sudden compunction as he fills his pipe)._ I 'ope
+I'm not takin' a libbaty in askin yer?
+
+_First P._ Liberty? rubbish! I'm not one to make distinctions where _I_
+go. I'd as soon talk to one man as I would another--you're setting your
+coat alight.
+
+_The S._ I set fire to myself once, and I never live in 'opes of doing
+so agen! It's a funny thing with me, I can smoke a cigar just as well as
+I could a short pipe. I'm no lover of a cigar, if you understand me; but
+I can go into company where they _are_, d'ye _see_?
+
+_First P. (shortly)._ _I_ see.
+
+_The S. (with fresh misgivings)._ You'll excuse me if I've taken a
+libbaty with yer!
+
+_First P. (with a stately air)._ We settled all that just now.
+
+_The S. (after a scrutiny)._ I tell yer what my idear of _you_ is--that
+you're a _Toff!_
+
+_First P. (disclaiming this distinction a little uneasily)._ No,
+no--there's nothing of the toff about _me!_
+
+_The S. (defiantly)._ Well, you're a _gentleman_, anyway?
+
+_First P. (aphoristic, but uncomfortable)._ We can all of us be that,
+so long as we behave ourselves.
+
+_The S. (much pleased by this sentiment)._ Right agen! give us yer
+'and--if it's not takin a libbaty. I'm one of them as can't bear to take
+a libbaty with no matter 'oo. Yer know it's a real pleasure to me to be
+settin' 'ere torkin' comfortably to you, without no thought of either of
+us fallin' out. There's some people as wouldn't feel 'appy, not without
+they was 'aving a row. Now you and me ain't _like_ that!
+
+_First P. (shifting about)._ Quite so--quite so, of course!
+
+_The S._ Not but what if it was to come to a row between us, I could
+take _my_ part!
+
+_First P. (wishing there was somebody else in the compartment)._ I--I
+hope we'll keep off that.
+
+_The S. (devoutly)._ So do I! _I_ 'ope we'll keep off o' that. But yer
+never know what may bring it on--and there it is, d'ye see! You and me
+might fall out without intending it. I've bin a bit of a boxer in my
+day. Do you doubt my word?--if so, say it to my face!
+
+_First P._ I've no wish to offend you, I'm sure.
+
+_The S._ I never take a lie straight from any man, and there you 'ave me
+in a word! If you're _bent_ on a row, you'll find me a glutton, that's
+all I can tell you!
+
+_First P. (giving himself up for lost)._ But I'm _not_ bent on a
+row--qu--quite otherwise!
+
+_The S._ You should ha' said so afore, because, when my back's once put
+_up_, I'm--'ello! we're stopping, I get out 'ere, don't I?
+
+_First P. (eagerly)._ Yes--make haste, they don't stay long anywhere on
+this line!
+
+_The S. (completely mollified)._ Then I'll say good-bye to yer.
+(_Tenderly._) P'raps we may meet agen, some day.
+
+_First P._ We--we'll hope so--good day to you, wish you luck!
+
+_The S. (solemnly)._ Lord _love_ yer! (_Pausing at door._) I 'ope you
+don't think me the man to fall out with nobody. I _never_ fall out----
+
+[_Falls out into the arms of a porter, whom he pummels as the train
+moves on, and First Passenger settles into a corner with a sigh of
+relief._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOT QUITE UP TO DATE
+
+_Somerset Rustic (on seeing the signal drop)._ "Ar don't know if it'd
+make any difference, maister, but thic ther' bit o' board of yourn 'ave
+a fallen down!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOTES OF TRAVEL
+
+_Foreign Husband (whose wife is going to remain longer)._ "Gif me two
+dickets. Von for me to come back, and von for my vife not to come
+back!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE UNDERGROUND
+
+_Lady (who has just entered carriage, to friend)._ "Fancy finding you in
+the train! Why couldn't I have met you yesterday, now? I had such a
+wretched journey! But one never _does_ meet people when one wants to!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LA BELLE DAME SANS "MERCI"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TOUT VIENT A QUI SAIT ATTENDRE"
+
+Shouting heard--engine whistles frantically--brakes applied
+violently--train stops--accident, no doubt--alarm of first-class
+passengers--stout gent flies at communicator--child shrieks--terrified
+lady calls out, "Help! guard! What is it? Let us out!"
+
+_Guard._ "Oh, no fear, miss. On'y driver he just see a lot o' fine
+mushyroons, miss, and we----he like 'em for breakfast. All right! Away
+y' go!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A STATION ON THE NORTH STAFFORDSHIRE LINE
+
+_Traveller._ "Now then, boy, where's the clerk who gives the ticket?"
+
+_Boy (after finishing an air he was whistling)._ "I'm the clerk."
+
+_Traveller._ "Well, sir! And what time does the train leave for
+London?"
+
+_Boy._ "Oh, I don't know. No time in pertickler. Sometimes one time--and
+sometimes another."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
+
+He determines to try the automatic photographing machine, the station
+being empty. To his dismay a crowd has gathered, and watches the
+operation.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Workman (politely, to old lady, who has accidentally got
+into a smoking compartment)._ "You don't object to my pipe, I 'ope,
+mum?"
+
+_Old Lady._ "Yes, I _do_ object, very strongly!"
+
+_Workman._ "Oh! Then out you get!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY LONG AFTER STERNE'S
+
+_(A Romance for a "Ladies Only" Compartment)_
+
+SCENE--_Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female
+Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller._
+
+_Male Traveller._ A thousand apologies! I really nearly missed my train,
+so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. Trust I don't intrude.
+
+_Fem. T. (after a pause)._ As you have no one to present you, I must ask
+"if you are any lady's husband?"
+
+_Male T. (with a sigh)._ Alas, no! I am a wretched bachelor!
+
+_Fem. T. (drily)._ That is nothing out of the common. I have been given
+to understand that all bachelors are miserable.
+
+_Male T._ No doubt your husband agrees with the opinion?
+
+_Fem. T. (calmly)._ I have no experience. I am a spinster.
+
+_Male T. (smiling)._ Indeed! And you selected a ladies' carriage?
+
+_Fem. T. (quickly)._ Because there was no room anywhere else.
+
+_Male T._ Well, well! At the next station I can get into a smoking
+compartment.
+
+_Fem. T._ Surely there is no need to take so much trouble.
+
+_Male T._ Why! don't _you_ object to a cigar?
+
+_Fem. T._ Not in the least. The fact is, I smoke myself!
+
+  [_Red fire and tobacco._
+
+_Male T. (after a pause)._ I have it on my conscience to make a
+correction. I said just now that I was not somebody's husband.
+
+_Fem. T. (annoyed)._ Then you are married!
+
+_Male T. (with intention)._ Well, not yet. But if you like you can
+receive me as somebody's betrothed.
+
+_Fem. T. (regardless of grammar)._ Who's somebody?
+
+_Male T. (smiling)._ Think of your own name.
+
+_Fem. T._ What next?
+
+_Male T._ Why, give it to me; and if you like you shall have mine in
+exchange. (_Train arrives at a station._)
+
+_Guard (without)._ All change!
+
+  [_And later on they do._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PATRON SAINT OF RAILWAYS.-St. Pan-crash.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NON-SEQUITUR
+
+_Affable Old Gentleman (who has half a minute to spare)._ "I suppose
+now, my boy, you take a good sum of money during the day?"
+
+_Shoeblack._ "Yessur, 'cause lots o' gintleman, when they wants to ketch
+a train, gives me sixpence!"
+
+  [_Old gent finds the sixpence, but in thinking over it afterwards,
+couldn't see the connection._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TWOPENNY TUBE
+
+"Hi, guv'nor, there ain't no station named on this ticket!"
+
+"No; all our tickets are alike."
+
+"Then, 'ow do I know where I'm going?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HIGHLY ACCOMMODATING
+
+_Stout Party (rather hot)._ "Hope you don't find the breeze too much,
+sir?"
+
+_Fellow Passenger._ "Oh! not at all, sir! I rather like it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SKYLIGHT VIEW--A RAILWAY STATION]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Traveller (to Irish porter labelling luggage)._ "Don't
+you keep a brush for that work, porter?"
+
+_Porter._ "No, yer honour. Our tongues is the only insthrumints we're
+allowed. But--they're aisy kep' wet, yer honour!" [_Hint taken._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN A SLOW TRAIN
+
+  "Look out for squalls"--on land or sea--
+    Where duty or where pleasure calls,
+  A golden rule it seems to be,
+          Look out for squalls.
+
+  Yet in a train that slowly crawls
+    Somehow it most appeals to me.
+  For then sometimes, it so befalls,
+
+    An infant on its mother's knee
+  In my compartment Fate installs--
+    Which makes a nervous man, you see,
+          Look out for squalls!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY MAXIMS
+
+(_Perfectly at the Service of any Railway Company_)
+
+Delays are dangerous.
+
+A train in time saves nine.
+
+Live and let live.
+
+After a railway excursion, the doctor.
+
+Do not halloo till you are out of the train.
+
+Between two trains we fall to the ground.
+
+Fire and water make good servants but bad masters.
+
+A director is known by the company he keeps.
+
+A railway train is the thief of time.
+
+There is no place like home--but the difficulty is to get there.
+
+The farther you go, the worse is your fare.
+
+It's the railway pace that kills.
+
+The great charm about a railway accident is that, no matter how many
+lives are lost, "no blame is ever attached to any one."
+
+A railway is long, but life is short--and generally the longer a
+railway, the shorter your life.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE.--_Disappointed Porter (to Mate)._ I
+thought you said he was a gentleman.
+
+_Mate._ No, that's where you mistook me. _I_ said he was a gent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sylvanus._ "Foxes are scarce in my country; but we
+manage it with a drag now and then!"
+
+_Urbanus._ "Oh--er--yes. But how do you get it over the fences?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Porter._ "Now, marm, will you please to move, or was
+you corded to your box?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THERE BE LAND RATS"
+
+_Jack Ashore._ "Bill, just keep a heye on my jewel-case 'ere while I go
+and get the tickets. There's a lot o' sharks always cruisin' about these
+railway stations, I've heard!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER AN EASTERTIDE FESTIVITY--ON THE INNER CIRCLE
+
+_Guard._ "Where are you for?"
+
+_Old Gent._ "I'm oright--Edgware Road."
+
+_Guard._ "Well, mind you get out this time. You've been round three
+times!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY SCALE OF MANNERS
+
+We have often been struck with the difference of manner assumed by
+railway officials towards different people. Shut your eyes, and you can
+tell from the tone of their voices whom they are addressing. The
+following examples will best illustrate our meaning. The railway
+potentate is calling upon the passengers to get their tickets ready. He
+calls:
+
+To the Third Class.--_Fortissime._--"Tickets, tickets; come get
+your tickets ready."
+
+To the Second Class.--_Forte._--"Tickets, gents; get your tickets ready,
+gents."
+
+To the First Class.--_Piano._--"Get your tickets ready, gentlemen, if
+you please; tickets ready, if you please, gentlemen."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE H GRATUITOUS
+
+_Lady._ "Can I book through from here to Oban?"
+
+_Well-educated Clerk (correcting her)._ "Holborn, you mean. No; but you
+can book to Broad Street, and then take a 'bus!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH ON A LOCOMOTIVE.
+
+_By the sole survivor of a deplorable accident (no blame to be attached
+to any servants of the company)_
+
+        Collisions four
+        Or five she bore,
+  The signals wor in vain;
+        Grown old and rusted,
+        Her biler busted,
+  And smash'd the Excursion Train.
+        "Her End Was Pieces."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH FOR A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--"His life was spent on pleasant lines."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUDDLEBY JUNCTION
+
+_Overworked Pointsman (puzzled)._ "Let's see!--there's the 'scursion'
+were due at 4.45, and it ain't in; then, afore that, were the
+'mineral,'--no! that must ha' been the 'goods,'--or the 'cattle.' No!
+that were after,--cattle's shunting now. Let's see!--fast train came
+through at----Con-found!--and here comes 'the express' afore its time,
+and blest if I know which line she's on!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TEA IN TEN MINUTES
+
+(A SONG AT A RAILWAY STATION)
+
+AIR--"_Thee, Thee, only Thee_"
+
+  Ten minutes here! The sun is sinking,
+  And longingly we've long been thinking
+        Of Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!
+  The marble slabs we gather round.
+    They're long in bringing what is wanted,
+  The china cup with draught em-brown'd,
+    Our thirsty souls are wholly haunted
+        By Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!
+
+  Now then, you waiter, stir, awaken!
+  Time's up. I'll hardly save my bacon.
+        Tea, Tea, bring that Tea!
+  At last! The infusion's rayther dark.
+    But hurry up! Can't stay for ever!
+  One swig! Br-r-r-r! Hang the cunning shark!
+    Will't never cool? Nay, never, never!
+        Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!
+
+  More milk; don't be an hour in bringing!
+  Heavens! That horrid bell is ringing!
+        "Take your seats, please!" Can't _touch_ the Tea!
+  Cup to the carriage must not take;
+    Crockery may be lost, or broken;
+  Refreshment sharks are wide awake.
+    But--many a naughty word is spoken
+        O'er Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES
+
+_Head Barmaid._ "These tarts are quite stale, Miss Hunt--been on the
+counter for a fortnight! _Would_ you mind taking them into the
+_second-class_ refreshment-room?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LUSUS MACHINER--AE
+
+_Chatty Passenger._ "Porter! That's one of those curious tailless Manx
+cats, is it not?"
+
+_Crusty Porter (shortly)._ "No, 'taint. Morn'g 'xpress!"
+
+_Passenger (puzzled)._ "E--h--I don't understand----"
+
+_Porter._ "Don't yer? Well, you come and put your toe on these 'ere down
+metals about 9.14 a.m. to-morrow, and----"
+
+_Passenger (enlightened)._ "Ah!--I see--jus' so----"
+
+  [_Retires under cover of newspaper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY COMPANIONS
+
+(_By a Disagreeable Traveller_)
+
+I.
+
+I have come to the conclusion that the railway train exercises a
+sinister influence upon the human race. Persons who are tolerable--or
+even welcome--in ordinary daily life, become peculiarly obnoxious so
+soon as they enter the compartment of a train. No fairy prince ever
+stepped into a railway train--assuming he favoured that means of
+locomotion--without being transformed straightway into a Beast, and even
+Beauty herself could not be distinguished from her disagreeable
+sisters--in a train.
+
+Speaking for myself, railway travelling invariably brings to the surface
+all my worst qualities.
+
+My neighbour opposite hazards some remark. I feel immediately a fit of
+taciturnity coming over me, and an overpowering inclination to retreat
+behind a fortification of journals and magazines. On the other hand, say
+that I have exhausted my stock of railway literature--or, no remote
+possibility, that the literature has exhausted me--then I make a casual
+remark about the weather. The weather is not usually considered a
+controversial topic: in railway trains, however, it becomes so.
+
+"Rain! not a bit," says a passenger in the far corner, evidently
+meditating a walking tour, and he views me suspiciously as if I were a
+rain-producer.
+
+"And a good thing too," remarks the man opposite. "It's wanted badly, I
+tell you, sir--very badly. It's all very well for you holiday folk,"
+&c., &c.
+
+And all this bad feeling because of my harmless well-intentioned remark.
+
+The window is up. "Phew!... stuffy," says the man opposite. "You don't
+mind, I hope, the window--eh?" "Not in the least," I say, and conceive a
+deadly hatred for him. I know from experience that directly that window
+is down all the winds of heaven will conspire to rush through, bearing
+upon them a smoky pall. I resign myself, therefore, to possible
+bronchitis and inflammation of the eye. Schoolboys, I may remark by the
+way, are the worst window offenders, owing to their diabolical practice
+of looking out of window in a tunnel--and, of course, _nothing_ ever
+happens to them. What's the use of expostulating after the compartment
+is full of yellow, choking vapour. These boys should be leashed together
+like dogs and conveyed in the luggage-van.
+
+The window is down. "W-h-oop," coughs an elderly man. "Do you mind, sir,
+that window being closed?" Polite mendacity and inward bitterness on my
+part towards the individual who has converted the compartment into an
+oven.
+
+But there are worse companions even than these, of whom I must speak
+another time.
+
+II.
+
+I have known people thoughtlessly speak well of the luncheon-basket. In
+my opinion, the luncheon-basket arouses the worst passions of human
+nature, and is a direct incentive to deeds of violence. To say this is
+to cast an aspersion upon the refreshment contractor, who is evidently a
+man of touchingly simple faith and high imagination. Simple faith
+assuredly, for does he not provide on the principle that our insides are
+hardy and vigorous and unspoilt by the art of cooking? High imagination
+most certainly, otherwise he would never call that red fluid by the name
+of claret.
+
+No, it is to the social rather than to the gastronomic influence of the
+luncheon-basket that I wish to advert.
+
+Once I procured a luncheon-basket and with it came the demon of
+discontent and suspicion, converting three neutral people into deadly
+enemies.
+
+One was a pale young man who had been scowling over Browning and making
+frantic notes on the margin of the book. Personally, I don't think it
+quite decent for pale young men to improve their minds in a public
+conveyance--but at any rate he had seemed harmless. Now he raised his
+eyes and viewed me with undisguised contempt. "Wretched glutton," he
+said in effect, and when accidentally I burned my mouth with mustard
+(which a sudden swerve had sent meandering in a yellow stream across the
+chicken and ham), he gave a sneering, callous smile, which reminded me
+that a man may smile and smile and be a--railway companion.
+
+I verily believe that youth to be capable of any crime, even Extension
+lecturing.
+
+Then there was a young lady reading a sixpenny Braddon, who viewed me as
+if I were some monster; when I shut my eyes and gulped off
+some--er--claret, she brought biscuits and lemonade from a small bag and
+refreshed herself with ostentatious simplicity, as if to say, "Look upon
+_this_ picture and on the wine-bibbing epicurean in the corner." An old
+lady with her was more amply provided for (old ladies usually take more
+care of their insides than anyone else in creation), but although she
+munched sandwiches and washed them down with sherry (probably sweet,
+ugh!) luxuriously, she looked with pious horror at my plates and dishes
+spread out. I _might_ have said, "Madam, I eat frankly and openly; my
+resources may be viewed by all. Your secret and delusive bags have
+limitless resources that you are ashamed to show."
+
+I didn't say so; but the restraint placed on myself quite spoilt the
+lunch. No more baskets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A FORTIORI
+
+_Ticket Collector._ "Now, then, make haste! Where's your ticket?"
+
+_Bandsman (refreshed)._ "Au've lost it!"
+
+_Ticket Collector._ "Nonsense! Feel in your pockets. Ye cannot hev lost
+it!"
+
+_Bandsman._ "Aw cannot? Why, man, au've lost the _big drum!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "JUST OUT!"--(AT ALL THE LIBRARIES)
+
+_First Young Lady._ "How did you like _Convict Life_, dear?"
+
+_Second Young Lady._ "Pretty well. We've just begun _Ten Years' Penal
+Servitude_. Some of us like it, but----"
+
+_Old Lady (mentally)._ "Good gracious! What dreadful creatures! So
+young, too!"
+
+[_Looks for the communicating cord!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RATHER SUSPICIOUS
+
+_First Passenger._ "Had pretty good sport?"
+
+_Second Passenger._ "No--very poor. Birds wild--rain in torrents--dogs
+no use. 'Only got fifty brace!"
+
+_First Passenger._ "'Make birds dear, won't it?"
+
+_Second Passenger ("off his guard")._ "You're right. I assure you I paid
+three-and-sixpence a brace all round at Norwich this morning!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FROM THE GENERAL TO THE PARTICULAR
+
+_Young Lady (who has never travelled by this line before)._ "Do you go
+to Kew Gardens?"
+
+_Booking-Clerk._ "Sometimes on a Sunday, miss, on a summer's
+afternoon!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NEW RACE IN AFRICA.
+ Arrival of the Uganda express.
+(Twenty minutes ahead of time.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LITTLE FARCE AT A RAILWAY STATION
+
+_Lady._ "I want one ticket--first!" _Clerk._ "Single?" _Lady._ "Single!
+What does it matter to you, sir, whether I'm single or not?
+Impertinence!"
+
+  [_Clerk explains that he meant single or return, not t'other thing._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TWO VIEWS OF IT
+
+_Brown._ "Shockin' thing! You heard of poor Mullins getting his neck
+broken in that collision!"
+
+_Jones._ "Ah!--it's as-tonishing how lucky some fellows are! He told me
+'last time I saw him he'd just insured his life for three thous'd
+poun's!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INJURED INNOCENCE
+
+"Hulloa! _You've_ no call to be in here! _You_ haven't got a fust-class
+ticket, _I_ know."
+
+"No! I hain't!"
+
+"Well, come out! This ain't a third-class carriage!"
+
+"_Hain't_ it? Lor! Well I thought it _wos, by the look of the
+passingers!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Guard._ "Some one been smoking, I think?"
+
+_Passenger._ "What! Smoking! That's very reprehensible. Perhaps it was
+the clerical gentleman who has just got out of the next compartment."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NEM. CON.!"
+
+_Chatty Passenger (on G. W. Railway)._ "How plainly you can see the
+lights of Hanwell from the railway!"
+
+_Silent Man (in the corner)._ "Not half so plain as the lights of the
+train look from Hanwell!"
+
+  [_All change at the next station._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RECIPROCAL
+
+_Sporting Gentleman._ "Well, sir, I'm very pleased to have made your
+acquaintance, and had the opportunity of hearing a Churchman's views on
+the question of tithes. Of course, as a country landowner, I'm
+interested in Church matters, and----"
+
+_The Parson._ "Quite so--delighted, I'm sure. Er--by the bye, could you
+tell me _what's won to-day_?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RAILWAY LITERATURE
+
+_Bookstall Keeper._ "Book, ma'am? Yes, ma'am. Here's a popular work by
+an eminent surgeon, just published, 'Broken Legs: and How to Mend Them':
+or, would you like the last number of _The Railway Operator_?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SATISFACTORY
+
+_Bumptious Old Gent (in a directorial tone)._ "Ah, guard--what are
+we--ah--waiting for?"
+
+_Guard (with unconcern)._ "Waiting for the train to go on, sir!"
+  [_Old Gent retires._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNDERGROUND SELL
+
+_First Passenger._ "They say they've put on detectives 'ere, to catch
+coves as travels without tickets."
+
+_Second Passenger._ "'Ave they? Well, all I can say is, _I_ can travel
+as often as I like from Cannon Street to Victoria, and not pay a
+'apenny!"
+
+_Detective._ "See here, mate; I'll give you half-a-crown if you tell me
+how you do it."
+
+_Second Passenger (after pocketing the half-crown)._ "Well,--when I
+wants to git from Cannon Street to Victoria without payin'--_I walks!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUITE UP TO DATE
+
+_Cousin Madge._ "Well, good-bye, Charlie. So many thanks for taking care
+of us!"
+
+_Charlie._ "_Not at all!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI
+
+II.
+
+ON THE PLATFORM
+
+_A Lady of Family._ Oh, yes, I do travel third-class sometimes, my dear.
+I consider it a duty to try to know something of the lower orders.
+
+  [_Looks out for an empty third-class compartment._
+
+EN ROUTE
+
+_The seats are now all occupied: the Lady of Family is in one corner,
+next to a Chatty Woman with a basket, and opposite to an
+Eccentric-looking Man with a flighty manner._
+
+_The Eccentric Man (to the Lady of Family)._ Sorry to disturb you, mum,
+but you're a-setting on one o' my 'am sandwiches.
+
+_The L. of F._???!!!
+
+_The E. M. (considerately)._ Don't trouble yourself, mum, it's of no
+intrinsic value. I on'y put it there to keep my seat.
+
+_The Chatty W. (to the L. of F.)._ I think I've seen you about
+Shinglebeach, 'ave I not?
+
+_The L. of F._ It is very possible. I have been staying with some
+friends in the neighbourhood.
+
+_The C. W._ It's a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach; but
+(_confidentially_) don't you think it's a very sing'ler thing that in a
+place like that--a fash'nable place, too--there shouldn't be a single
+'am an' beef shop?
+
+_The L. of F. (making a desperate effort to throw herself into the
+question)._ What a very extraordinary thing, to be sure! Dear, _dear_
+me! No ham and beef shop!
+
+_The C. W._ It's so indeed, mum; and what's more, as I dare say you've
+noticed for yourself, if you 'appen to want a snack o' fried fish ever
+so, there isn't a place you could go to--leastways, at a moment's
+notice. Now, 'ow do you explain such a thing as that?
+
+_The L. of F. (faintly)._ I'm afraid I can't suggest any explanation.
+
+_A Sententious Man._ Fried fish is very sustaining.
+
+  [_Relapses into silence for the remainder of journey._
+
+_The Eccentric Man._ Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we was
+kids, my father ud bring us home two pennorth o' ches'nuts, and we 'ad
+'em boiled, and they'd last us days. (_Sentimentally._) He was a kind
+man, my father (_to the L. of F., who bows constrainedly_), though you
+wouldn't ha' thought it, to look at him. I don't say, mind yer, that he
+wasn't fond of his bit o' booze--(_the L. of F. looks out of
+window_)--like the best of us. I'm goin' up to prove his will now, I
+am--if you don't believe me, 'ere's the probate. (_Hands that document
+round for inspection._) That's all reg'lar enough, I 'ope. (_To the L.
+of F._) Don't give it back before you've done with it--I'm in no 'urry,
+and there's good reading in it. (_Points out certain favourite passages
+with a very dirty forefinger._) Begin there--_that's_ my name.
+
+  [_The L. of F. peruses the will with as great a show of interest as she
+  can bring herself to assume._
+
+_The Eccentric Man._ D'ye see that big 'andsome building over there?
+That's the County Lunatic Asylum--where my poor wife is shut up. I went
+to see her last week, I did. (_Relates his visit in detail to the L. of
+F., who listens unwillingly._) It's wonderful how many of our family
+have been in that asylum from first to last. I 'ad a aunt who died
+cracky; and my old mother, she's very peculiar at times. There's days
+when I feel as if I was a little orf my own 'ed, so if I say anything at
+all out of the way, you'll know what it is.
+
+  [_L. of F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage
+are two Men of seafaring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from
+his Fiancee as the L. of F. takes her seat._
+
+_The Fiance._ Excuse me one moment, ma'am.
+
+(_Leans across the L. of F. and out of the window._)
+
+Well, goodbye, my girl; take care of yourself.
+
+_The Fiancee (with a hysterical giggle)._ Oh, I'll take care o' _my_
+self.
+
+  [_Looks at the roof of the carriage._
+
+_He (with meaning)._ No more pickled onions, eh?
+
+_She._ What a one you are to remember things! (_After a pause._) Give my
+love to Joe.
+
+_He._ All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last (_they embrace
+loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of
+mingled sentiment and complacency_). Oh, (_to L. of F._) if you don't
+mind my stepping across you again, mum. Jenny, if you see Dick between
+this and Friday, just tell him as----
+
+  [_Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses;_
+
+_Final parting as train starts with a jerk which throws the Fiance upon
+the L. of F.'s lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar
+significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring Men, who
+is reclining in an easy attitude on the seat. His companion responds
+with a grin of intelligence, and produces a large black bottle from the
+rack. They drink, and hand the bottle to the Fiance._
+
+_The F._ Thankee I don't mind if I do. Here's wishing you----
+
+  [_Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug; is about to
+  hand back bottle when the first Seafarer intimates that he is to pass it
+  on. The L. of F. recoils in horror._
+
+_Both Seafarers (reassuringly)._ It's _wine_, mum!
+
+  [_Tableau. The Lady of Family realises that the study of third-class
+humanity has its drawbacks._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Our Artist (who has strolled into a London terminus)._
+"What's the matter with all these people? Is there a panic?"
+
+_Porter._ "Panic! No, this ain't no panic. These is excursionists. Their
+train leaves in two hours, so they want to get a seat!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BRANCH STATION
+
+_Miss Tremmles (who is nervous about railways generally, and especially
+since the late outrages)._ "Oh, porter, put me into a carriage where
+there are ladies, or respectable people, or----"
+
+_Porter._ "Oh, you're all safe this mornin', miss; you're th' only
+passenger in the whol' tr'ine, except another old woman."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A COOL CARD
+
+_Swell (handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party)._ "Aw--would
+you--aw--do me the favour to wead the list of the waces to me while
+we're wunning down?--I've--aw--forgotten my eyeglass. Don't mind waising
+your voice--I'm pwecious deaf!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THAT IT SHOULD COME TO THIS!
+
+_Boy._ "Second-class, sir?"
+
+_Captain._ "I nevah travel second-class!"
+
+_Boy._ "This way third, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ART!
+
+_Chatty Passenger._ "To show yer what cheats they are, sir, friend o'
+mine,--lots o' money, and fust-rate taste,--give the horder to one of
+'em to decorate his new 'ouse in reg'lar slap-up style!--'spare no
+expense!--with all the finest 'chromios' that could be 'ad! You know
+what lovely things they are, sir! Well, sir, would you believe
+it!--after they was sent, they turned out not to be 'chromios' at
+all!--but done by 'and!"--(_with withering contempt_)--"done by 'and,
+sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PERMISSIVE SLAUGHTER
+
+(_Five Thousand Shunting Accidents in Five Years!_)
+
+_First Shunter (with coupling-link, awaiting engine backing)._ "I saw
+poor Jack's wife and kids last night, after the funeral. Poor things,
+what will be done for 'em?" _Second Shunter (at points)._ "Oh, the usual
+thing, I s'ppose--company's blessin', and a charity mangle!----Look
+out, mate! She's backin'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEHIND TIME
+
+_Ticket Collector._ "This your boy, mum? He's too big for a 'alf
+ticket!" _Mother (down upon him)._ "Oh, is he? Well, p'rhaps he is now,
+mister; but he wasn't when we started. This 'xcursion's ever so many
+hours be'ind time, an' he's a growin' lad! So now!"
+
+  [_Exit in triumph._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "FORCE OF HABIT"
+
+_Our Railway Porter (the first time he acted as deputy in the absence of
+the beadle)._ "T'kets r'dy! All tick-ets ready!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHY TAKE A CHILL?
+
+If your train is not heated by pipes, get plenty of foot-warmers, as
+Algy and Betty did. Sit on one, put your feet on another, a couple at
+your back, and one on your lap, and you'll get to your destination as
+they did--warm as muffins!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Railway Porter._ "Now then, sir! by your leave!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE HOT WEATHER TOO!
+
+  DRAMATIS PERSONAE
+
+A Choleric Old Gentleman. A Cool Young Party.
+
+SCENE.--A Richmond Railway Carriage.
+
+TIME.--About 12 noon.
+
+_Choleric Old Gentleman (panting, puffing, perspiring)._ Hot, sir,
+tremendously hot.
+
+_Cool Young Party._ It is warm.
+
+_C. O. G._ Warm, sir! I call it blazing hot. Why the glass is 98 deg. in the
+shade!
+
+_C. Y. P._ Really! is that much?
+
+_C. O. G._ Much, sir! Immense!
+
+_C. Y. P._ Well, then, the glass is perfectly right.
+
+_C. O. G._ Right, sir! I don't understand you, sir. What do you mean by
+saying it is right, sir?
+
+_C. Y. P._ I mean that the glass is quite right to be as much in the
+shade as it can in this warm weather.
+
+  [_Choleric Old Gentleman collapses._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUITE UNIMPORTANT.
+
+_Thompson (interrogatively, to beauteous but haughty damsel, whom he has
+just helped to alight)._ "I beg your pardon?"
+
+_Haughty Damsel._ "I did not speak!"
+
+_Thompson._ "Oh--I thought you said 'Thanks'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
+
+"I'm afraid we shan't have this compartment to ourselves any longer,
+Janet." "Oh, it's all right, aunty darling. If you put your head out of
+window, I dare say nobody will come in!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION
+
+_Groom._ "Beg pardon, sir,--but wos your name Tomkins?" _Tomkins._
+"Yes!" _Groom._ "If you please, sir, master says he wos werry sorry
+as he couldn't send the feeaton--but, as his young 'oss wanted
+exercise, he thought you wouldn't mind ridin' of 'im!"
+
+  [_Tomkins bursts into a cold perspiration._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUBURBAN HOSPITALITY.
+
+SCENE--_A mile and a half to the railway
+station, on a bitter winter's night._
+
+_Genial Host (putting his head out of doors)._ Heavens! what a night!
+Not fit to turn a dog out! (_To the parting guest._) Well, good-night,
+old chap. I hope you find your way to the station.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LUXURIOUS HABIT
+
+_Philanthropist (to railway porter)._ "Then what time do you get to
+bed?"
+
+_Porter._ "Well, I seldom what yer may call gets to bed myself, 'cause
+o' the night trains. But my brother, as used to work the p'ints further
+down the line, went to bed last Christmas after the accident, and
+never----"
+
+[_Train rushes in, and the parties rush off._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARD LINES ON INDIVIDUALS.--The compulsory purchase of land by a
+railway company is insult added to injury. The buyers take a site in the
+seller's face.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE ROLL OF THE AGES."--The penny roll at railway refreshment-rooms.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE OTHER WAY ABOUT"
+
+_Irate Passenger (as train is moving off)._ "Why the ---- didn't you put
+my luggage in as I told you--you old ----"
+
+_Porter._ "E--h, man! yer baggage es na sic a fule as yersel. Ye're i'
+the wrang train!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Railway Porter._ "Dogs not allowed inside the carriages,
+sir!"
+
+_Countryman._ "What not a little tooy tarrier? Wall, thee'd better tak'
+un oot then, young man!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PORTER'S SLAM
+
+[A meeting at Manchester raised a protest against the nuisance caused by
+the needlessly loud "slamming" of railway carriage doors.]
+
+  The porter has a patent "slam,"
+    Which smites one like a blow,
+  And everywhere that porter comes
+    That "slam" is sure to go.
+  It strikes upon the tym-pa-num
+    Like shock of dynamite;
+  By day it nearly makes you dumb--
+    It deafens you at night.
+  When startled by the patent "slam"
+    The pious "pas-sen-jare,"
+  Says something else that ends in "am"
+    (Or he has patience rare).
+  Not only does it cause a shock,
+    But--Manchester remarks--
+  "Depreciates the rolling stock,"
+    Well, that is rather larks!
+  _That's_ not the point. The porter's slam
+    Conduces to insanity,
+  And, though as mild as Mary's lamb,
+    Drives men to loud profanity.
+  If Manchester the "slam" can stay
+    By raising of a stir,
+  All railway-travellers will say,
+    "Bully for Man-ches-ter!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND CVSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE IN 1849
+
+A raylway statyon. Showynge ye travellers refreshynge themselves.]
+
+MR. PIPS HIS DIARY
+
+_Tuesday, July 31, 1849._--Prevailed upon by my wife to carry her to
+Bath, as she said, to go see her aunt Dorothy, but I know she looked
+more to the pleasure of her trip than any thing else; nevertheless I do
+think it necessary policy to keep in with her aunt, who is an old maid
+and hath a pretty fortune; and to see what court and attention I pay her
+though I do not care 2_d._ about her! But am mightily troubled to know
+whether she hath sunk her money in an annuity, which makes me somewhat
+uneasy at the charge of our journey, for what with fare, cab-hire, and
+vails to Dorothy's servants for their good word, it did cost me
+altogether _L_6 2_s._ 6_d._ To the Great Western station in a cab, by
+reason of our luggage; for my wife must needs take so many trunks and
+bandboxes, as is always the way with women: or else we might have gone
+there for 2_s._ 6_d._ less in an omnibus. Did take our places in the
+first class notwithstanding the expense, preferring both the seats and
+the company; and also because if any necks or limbs are broken I note it
+is generally in the second and third classes. So we settled, and the
+carriage-doors slammed to, and the bell rung, the train with a whistle
+off like a shot, and in the carriage with me and my wife a mighty pretty
+lady, a Frenchwoman, and I did begin to talk French with her, which my
+wife do not well understand, and by and by did find the air too much for
+her where she was sitting, and would come and take her seat between us,
+I know, on purpose. So fell a reading the _Times_, till one got in at
+Hanwell, who seemed to be a physician, and mighty pretty discourse with
+him touching the manner of treating madmen and lunatics, which is now by
+gentle management, and is a great improvement on the old plan of chains
+and the whip. Also of the foulness of London for want of fit drainage,
+and how it do breed cholera and typhus, as sure as rotten cheese do
+mites, and of the horrid folly of making a great gutter of the river. So
+to Swindon station, where the train do stop ten minutes for refreshment,
+and there my wife hungry, and I too with a good appetite,
+notwithstanding the discourse about London filth. So we out, and to the
+refreshment-room with a crowd of passengers, all pushing, and jostling,
+and trampling on each others' toes, striving which should get served
+first. With much ado got a basin of soup for my wife, and for myself a
+veal and ham pie, and to see me looking at my watch and taking a
+mouthful by turns; and how I did gulp a glass of Guinness his stout!
+Before we had half finished, the guard rang the bell, and my wife with a
+start, did spill her soup over her dress, and was obliged to leave half
+of it; and to think how ridiculous I looked, scampering back to the
+train with my meat-pie in my mouth! To run hurry-skurry at the sound of
+a bell, do seem only fit for a gang of workmen; and the bustle of
+railways do destroy all the dignity of travelling; but the world
+altogether is less grand, and do go faster than formerly. Off again, and
+to the end of our journey, troubled at the soup on my wife's dress, but
+thankful I had got my change, and not left it behind me at the Swindon
+station.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NARCISSUS
+
+_Little Podgers (who considers himself rather a lady-killer)._ "Oh, I'm
+not going into that empty carriage; put me into one with some pretty
+gals."
+
+Porter. "You jump in, sir, and put yer 'ead out of the winder, you'll
+soon have a carriage-full."
+
+  [Podgers sees it immediately, and enters.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lionel (to his rich uncle's coachman, who has driven him
+over to the station)._ "And look here, Sawyer, give the governor this
+accidental insurance ticket with my love. I haven't forgotten him, and
+if anything happens to me, there's a thousand pounds for him!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON"
+
+_Guest._ "It's very kind of you to----"
+
+_Hosts._ "Oh, we should not have felt comfortable unless we'd come with
+you, and--seen the last of you----!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SMALL POTATOES.--_Q._ Why are regular travellers by the Shepherd's Bush
+and City Railway like certain vegetables?
+
+_A._ Because they're "Tubers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INOPPORTUNE
+
+_Newsboy (to irritable old gent who has just lost his train)._ "Buy a
+comic paper, sir?"
+
+  [_Luckily, the old gentleman was out of breath from his hurry._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TYMPANUM
+
+(_A Remonstrance at a Railway Station_)
+
+  The tympanum! The tympanum!
+  Oh! who will save the aural drum
+  By softening to some gentler squeak
+  The whistle's shrill _staccato_ shriek?
+  Oh! Engine-driver, did you know
+  How your blast smites one like a blow,
+  An inward shock, a racking strain,
+  A knife-like thrust of poignant pain,
+  Whilst groping through the tunnel murk
+  You would not with that fiendish jerk
+  Let out that _sudden_ blast of steam
+  Whose screaming almost makes _us_ scream
+  Thy whistle weird perchance may be
+  A sad and sore necessity,
+  But cannot Law and sense combine
+  To--well, in short to draw the line?--
+  Across the open let it shrill
+  From moor to moor, from hill to hill,
+  But in the tunnel's crypt-like gloom,
+  The station's cramped reverberant room,
+  A gentler, _graduated_ blast!
+  _Do_ let it loose, whilst dashing past,
+  So shall it spare us many a pang;
+  That dread explosive bursting "bang"
+  Which nearly splits the aural drum,
+  The poor long-suffering tympanum!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE BLOCK SYSTEM"
+
+_Affable Old Lady (to ticket clerk--morning express just due)._ "No, I'm
+not going up this morning, but one of your penny time-tables, if you
+please; and can you tell me"--(_Shouts from the crowd_, "Now then,
+mum!")--"if the 10.45 stops at Dribblethorp Junction, and if Shandry's
+'bus meets the trains, which it always does on market days, I know,
+'cause my married sister's cousin, as is a farmer, generally goes by it.
+But if it don't come o' Toosday as well as Wednesday, I shall have to
+get out at Shuntbury and take a fly, which runs into money, you know,
+when you're by yourself like. If you'll be good enough to look out the
+trains--and change for half a sovereign, if you please. Oh no, I'm in no
+hurry, as I ain't a goin' till next week. Fine morn----"
+
+  [_Bell rings. Position stormed._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WONDERS OF MODERN TRAVEL
+
+Wonder whether accidents will be as numerous as usual during this
+excursion season.
+
+Wonder if a train, conveying third-class passengers, was ever known to
+start without somebody or other exclaiming, "_Now_ we're off!"
+
+Wonder why it is that foreigners in general, and fat Germans in
+particular, always will persist in smoking with the windows shut.
+
+Wonder whether anybody was ever known to bellow out the name of any
+station in such a manner that a stranger could succeed in understanding
+him.
+
+Wonder whether it is cheaper to pay for broken bones, or for such
+increase of service as, in very many cases, might prevent their being
+broken.
+
+Wonder how a signalman can by any means contrive to keep a cool head on
+his shoulders, while working as one sees him in a signal-box of glass,
+and the temperature of the tropics.
+
+Wonder if upon an average there are three men in a thousand who have
+never been puzzled by the hieroglyphics in _Bradshaw_.
+
+Wonder whether any railway guard or porter has ever been detected in the
+very act of virtuously declining to accept a proffered tip, on the
+ground that money, by the bye-laws, is forbidden to be taken by servants
+of the company.
+
+Wonder how many odd coppers the boys who sell the newspapers pocket in a
+week by the benevolence of passengers.
+
+Wonder what diminution there would be in the frequency of accidents,
+supposing directors were made purse-onally liable.
+
+Wonder whether people take to living at Redhill because it is so
+redhilly accessible by railway.
+
+TO THE STATION.
+
+Wonder if my watch is right, or slow, or fast.
+
+Wonder if that church clock is right.
+
+Wonder if the cabman will take eighteenpence from my house to the
+station.
+
+THE STATION.
+
+Wonder if the porter understood what I said to him about the luggage.
+
+Wonder if I shall see him again.
+
+Wonder if I shall know him when I _do_ see him again.
+
+Wonder if I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab.
+
+Wonder where I take my ticket.
+
+Wonder in which pocket I put my gold.
+
+Wonder where I got that bad half-crown which the clerk won't take.
+
+Wonder if that's another that I've just put down.
+
+Wonder where the porter is who took my luggage.
+
+Wonder where my luggage is.
+
+Wonder again whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in
+the cab.
+
+Wonder which is my train.
+
+Wonder if the guard knows anything about that porter with the
+writing-case.
+
+Wonder if it _will_ be "all right" as the guard says it will be.
+
+Wonder if my luggage, being now labelled, will be put into the proper
+van.
+
+Wonder if I've got time to get a sandwich and a glass of sherry.
+
+Wonder if they've got the _Times_ of the day before yesterday, which I
+haven't seen.
+
+Wonder if _Punch_ of this week is out yet.
+
+Wonder why they don't keep nice sandwiches and sherry.
+
+Wonder if there's time for a cup of coffee instead.
+
+Wonder if that's our bell for starting.
+
+Wonder which is the carriage where I left my rug and umbrella, so as to
+know it again.
+
+Wonder where the guard is to whom I gave a shilling to keep a carriage
+for me.
+
+Wonder why he didn't keep it; by "it," I mean the carriage.
+
+Wonder where they've put my luggage.
+
+THE JOURNEY.
+
+Wonder if my change is all right.
+
+Wonder for the second time in which pocket I put my gold.
+
+Wonder if I gave the cabman a sovereign for a shilling.
+
+Wonder if that was the reason why he grumbled less than usual and drove
+off rapidly.
+
+Wonder if any one objects to smoking.
+
+Wonder that nobody does.
+
+Wonder where I put my lights.
+
+Wonder whether I put them in my writing-case.
+
+Wonder for the third time whether I gave my writing-case to the porter
+or left it in the cab.
+
+Wonder if anybody in the carriage has got any lights.
+
+Wonder that nobody has.
+
+Wonder when we can get some.
+
+Wonder if there's anything in the paper.
+
+Wonder why they don't cut it.
+
+Wonder if I put my knife in my writing-case.
+
+Wonder for the fourth time whether I gave, &c.
+
+Wonder if I can cut the paper with my ticket.
+
+Wonder where I put my ticket.
+
+Wonder where I _could_ have put my ticket.
+
+Wonder where the deuce I put my ticket.
+
+Wonder how I came to put my ticket in my right-hand waistcoat pocket.
+
+Wonder if I can read by this lamp-light in the tunnel.
+
+Wonder (to myself) why they don't light the carriages in a better way.
+
+Wonder (to my fellow-passengers) that the company don't provide better
+lights for their carriages. Fellow-passengers say they wonder at that,
+too. We all wonder.
+
+Wonder what makes the carriages wiggle-waggle about so.
+
+Wonder if we're going off the line.
+
+Wonder what station we stop at first.
+
+Wonder if there will be a refreshment-room there.
+
+Wonder (for the fifth time) whether I gave my writing-case to the
+porter, or left it in the cab.
+
+Wonder if I left the key of my writing-case in the lock.
+
+Wonder what the deuce I shall do if I've lost it.
+
+FIRST STATION.
+
+Wonder if this is Tringham or Upper Tringham.
+
+Wonder if it's Tringham Junction.
+
+Wonder if we change here for Stonnhurst.
+
+Wonder if any one understands what the guard says.
+
+Wonder if any one understands what the porter says.
+
+Wonder where the refreshment-room is.
+
+Wonder if I run across eight lines of rail, and over two platforms, to
+where I see the refreshment-room is, whether I shall ever be able to get
+back to my own carriage.
+
+Wonder (while I am crossing) whether any of the eight trains, on any of
+the eight lines, will come in suddenly.
+
+REFRESHMENT-ROOM.
+
+Wonder what's the best thing to take.
+
+Wonder whether soup's a good thing.
+
+Wonder whether the waiter heard me ask for soup, because I've changed my
+mind, and will have some tea.
+
+Wonder if the young lady at the counter knows that I've asked for tea,
+twice.
+
+Wonder if those buns are stale.
+
+Wonder if tea goes well with buns.
+
+Wonder what _does_ go with buns.
+
+Wonder, having begun on buns, whether it wouldn't have been better to
+ask for sherry.
+
+Wonder if this tea will ever be cool.
+
+Wonder if that's our bell for starting.
+
+Wonder if the young lady at the counter is deceiving me when she says
+I've got exactly a minute and a half.
+
+Wonder if anybody's looking at me while I put my tea in the saucer.
+
+Wonder if that _is_ our bell.
+
+Wonder if I shall have time to get back to my carriage.
+
+Wonder how much tea and buns come to.
+
+Wonder where I put my small change.
+
+Wonder, having nothing under half-a-crown, if I could get off without
+paying.
+
+Wonder they don't keep change ready.
+
+Wonder as I'm recrossing the lines whether any train will come in
+suddenly.
+
+THE PLATFORM.
+
+Wonder which is my carriage.
+
+Wonder (to guard familiarly) why they don't provide better lights for
+the carriages. Guard says, he wonders at that, too. Every one seems to
+wonder at that.
+
+Wonder (to guard again) if I can get a hot-water bottle for my feet
+anywhere. Guard wonders they don't keep 'em.
+
+Wonder (to guard once more) if I've time to go across the line, get my
+change out of the half-crown for buns and tea, and return to my
+carriage.
+
+Wonder if the guard is right in saying that we shall start directly.
+
+Wonder I forgot to ask the guard all about my luggage.
+
+THE CARRIAGE.
+
+Wonder, being safely in my seat, that there are not more accidents from
+people crossing the rails in a large station.
+
+Wonder why there's not a refreshment-room on either side.
+
+Wonder why they always come for your tickets after you've made yourself
+comfortable.
+
+Wonder where the dickens I put my ticket.
+
+Wonder, supposing I can't find it, whether the man will believe I ever
+had one.
+
+Wonder, on this matter being settled satisfactorily, which is the best
+pocket for keeping tickets in.
+
+Wonder why they can't shut the carriage-doors without banging them.
+
+THE JOURNEY (CONTINUED).
+
+Wonder if anybody thought of getting any lights.
+
+Wonder if I should have had time to cross over to the refreshment-room
+and get the change out of my half-crown.
+
+Wonder (to my opposite neighbour) what county we're passing through. He
+wonders, too. We both look out of our own side windows, and go on
+wondering.
+
+Wonder if that protracted shrill steam-whistle means danger. Opposite
+neighbour wonders if it does.
+
+Wonder why we're stopping; 'tisn't a station.
+
+Wonder what's the matter.
+
+Wonder what it is.
+
+Wonder what it _can_ be.
+
+Wonder if it's dangerous to put one's head out of window.
+
+Wonder if the engine has broken down.
+
+Wonder if there's anything on the line.
+
+Wonder if the express is behind us.
+
+Wonder if that man on the line is making a danger signal.
+
+Wonder (as we are moving again) what it was.
+
+Wonder passengers can't have some direct means of communicating with a
+guard.
+
+Wonder how long we shall be before we get to Stonnhurst.
+
+THE JOURNEY (CONCLUDED).
+
+Wonder if that's my portmanteau that that elderly gentleman is taking
+away with him.
+
+Wonder if they'll send to meet me at the station.
+
+Wonder (if they don't send) whether there's a fly or an omnibus.
+
+Wonder where their house is.
+
+Wonder if the station-master knows where their house is.
+
+Wonder what a fly will charge.
+
+Wonder what I shall do if they don't send, and there isn't a fly or an
+omnibus.
+
+Wonder what time they dine.
+
+Wonder if I shall have time to write a letter before dinner.
+
+Wonder, for the sixth time, whether I gave my writing-case to the guard,
+or left it in the cab.
+
+Wonder if I _did_ leave it in the cab.
+
+Wonder if this is where I get out.
+
+SMALL STATION.
+
+Wonder if the guard is right in saying that, as I'm going to Redditon,
+it doesn't matter whether I get out at the next station, Stonnhurst, or
+Morley Vale, the next but one.
+
+Wonder for which place my luggage was labelled.
+
+Wonder whether after getting out at Stonnhurst I shall have to go back
+for my luggage to Morley Vale.
+
+Wonder if I do right in deciding upon getting out at Stonnhurst.
+
+STONNHURST.
+
+Wonder if my luggage has gone on to Morley Vale.
+
+Wonder if I left my umbrella in the carriage, or forgot to bring it.
+
+Wonder how far it is from Stonnhurst to Morley Vale.
+
+Wonder if they've sent a trap to meet me at Morley Vale.
+
+Wonder why, when people invite one to come down to some out-of-the-way
+place, they don't tell one all these difficulties in their letter.
+
+Wonder if they'll have sense enough to drive to Stonnhurst from Morley
+Vale.
+
+Wonder if I shall meet them on the road if I walk there.
+
+Wonder which _is_ the road.
+
+Wonder, in answer to demand at the station-door, where I put my ticket.
+
+Wonder if I dropped it in the carriage.
+
+Wonder what I can have done with it.
+
+Wonder if I put it into the side pocket of my overcoat when I took out
+my lights.
+
+Wonder where the deuce my overcoat is.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_Chancery Lane "Tube" Station._
+
+_First Lift Man._ "A good time comin' for me, mate. What O, for a bit of
+a chinge!"
+
+_Second Lift Man._ "What's up, then?"
+
+_First Lift Man (in impressive tones)._ "Got shifted to the
+_Bank_--beginnin' Monday!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOND DELUSION
+
+_First Tourist (going north)._ "Hullo, Tompk----"
+
+_Second Ditto (ditto, ditto)._ "Hsh----sh! Confound it, you'll spoil
+all. They think in the train I'm a Highland chief!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOR LADIES ONLY
+
+"RESERVED CARRIAGES." (_See "Day by Day" in "Daily News"_)
+
+"If you travel in one, you run greater risks than in travelling in the
+ordinary carriages. I have known railway officials allow men to jump
+into them at the last moment before the train starts, with a mutual wink
+at each other and a very objectionable grin."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DISENCHANTMENT
+
+_Northern Croesus._ "Oh! I'm so glad to meet you here, Mr. Vandyke
+Brown. The fact is, I've a _commission_ for you!"
+
+_Our Youthful Landscape Painter (dissembling his rapture)._ "All
+right--most happy--what is it to be?"
+
+_Northern Croesus._ "Well--my aged grandmother is going to London by
+this train--and I want to put her under your protection."
+
+[_Our Youthful Landscape Painter dissembles again._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PATENT FIRST-CLASS COSTUME FOR THE COLLISION SEASON
+
+_Traveller._ "Yes, it's decidedly warm, but there's a feeling of
+security about it I rather like." (_Yawns._) "Any chance of a smash
+to-day!?"
+
+[_Drops off to sleep!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JUDGING BY APPEARANCES
+
+_Undersized Youth._ "Now then, first return, Surbiton, and look sharp!
+How much?"
+
+_Clerk._ "Three shillings. Half-price under twelve!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COLD COMFORT
+
+_Traveller (waiting for train already twenty minutes late)._ "Porter,
+when do you expect that train to come in?"
+
+_Porter._ "Can't say, sir. But the longer you waits for it, the more
+sure 'tis to come in the next minute."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE NURSERY SALOON ON THE RAILWAY"
+
+OUR ARTIST'S NOTION OF WHAT WE MAY EXPECT IF THE SUGGESTION WERE ADOPTED
+
+The saloon is  Patent swing      Rattles can  Efficient nurse  The saloon
+fitted with    sleeping cradles  be obtained  guards, to look  is fitted
+refreshment    can be secured    at most of   after the        with amusing
+bar, replete   by wire or        the large    babies, travel   toys, to
+with all baby  letter.           stations.    by all trains.   beguile
+delicacies.                                                    the tedium
+                                                               of long
+                                                               journeys.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RAILWAY PUZZLE
+
+To find the name of the station.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VICARIOUS!
+
+(_On the Underground Railway_)
+
+_Irascible Old Gentleman (who is just a second too late)._ "Confound and
+D----!"
+
+_Fair Stranger (who feels the same, but dare not express it)._ "Oh,
+thank you, _so_ much!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNDERGROUND RAILWAY
+
+_Old Lady._ "Well, I'm sure no woman with the least sense of decency
+would think of going down _that_ way to it."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REGULAR IRREGULARITY
+
+_Passenger (in a hurry)._ "Is this train punctual?"
+
+_Porter._ "Yessir, generally a quarter of an hour late to a minute!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Perspiring Countryman (who has just, with the utmost
+difficulty, succeeded in catching train)._ "Phew! Just saved it by
+t'skin o' my _teeth_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'TIS BETTER NOT TO KNOW"
+
+_Impudent Boy (generally)._ "Try yer weight--only a penny!" (_To lady of
+commanding proportions in particular._) "'Tell yer 'xact weight to a
+hounce, mum!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: APPALLING DISCLOSURES OVERHEARD BY AN OLD LADY IN THE
+CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO RUFFIANS IN A RAILWAY CARRIAGE.
+
+_First Artist._ "Children don't seem to me to sell now as they used."
+
+_Second Artist (in a hoarse whisper)._ "Well, I was at Stodge's
+yesterday. He'd just knocked off three little girls' heads--horrid raw
+things--a dealer came in, sir--bought 'em directly--took 'em away, wet
+as they were, on the stretchers, and wanted Stodge to let him have some
+more next week."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NECESSITIES OF LIFE
+
+"Yes, my lady. James went this morning with the hunters, and I've sent
+on the heavy luggage with Charles. But I've got your pencil-case, the
+bicycle, your ladyship's golf clubs and hunting crop and billiard cue,
+the lawn tennis racket, the bezique cards and markers, your ladyship's
+betting book and racing glasses and skates and walking-stick--and if
+I've forgotten anything I can easily wire back for it from the first
+station we stop at."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A STRIKING ATTITUDE
+
+Patience on a trunk waiting for a cab]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RAILWAY JUGGERNAUT OF 1845]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER A DERBY-WINNER-DINNER
+
+_Diner._ "Ticket."
+
+_Clerk._ "What station?"
+
+_Diner._ "Wha-stashun ve-you-got?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM"
+
+_Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last train, has wandered to the
+end of the platform, opened the door of the signal-box, and watched the
+signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments with hazy
+perplexity, suddenly)._ "Arf o' Burt'n 'n birrer f' me, guv'nor!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Third-class single to Ruswarp, please, and a dog ticket.
+How much?"
+
+"Fourpence-halfpenny--threepence for the dog, and three-halfpence for
+yourself."
+
+"Ah! you reckon by _legs_ on this line."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE QUESTION SETTLED
+
+_Mrs. M-l-pr-p._ "The fact is, my love, that these terrible collusions
+would never occur if the trains was only more punctilious!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEEDLESS PANIC.--Mrs. Malaprop is puzzled to know what people mean
+when they talk of the present alarming Junction of affairs. She hopes it
+has nothing to do with the railways, in which she has some Deference
+shares.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THOUGHT BY A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--Britannia used to rule the waves. She
+now rules the land--with lines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD HALL]
+
+(_A Story of Delusive Aspirations_)
+
+1. Jones was a tuft-hunter. One day, in a train, he encountered an
+elderly gentleman who aroused great interest in his bosom. "Porter,"
+said that elderly gentleman, "'ave you seen my old hall?" "Got an old
+hall!" murmured Jones to himself. "Rich man--probably duke! Should like
+to cultivate him!"
+
+2. The stranger was affable. "Did you ever 'ave an old hall?" he said.
+"Why--er--n-no," said Jones. "Very convenient thing to 'ave," said the
+stranger. "I've got all manner o' things in my old hall." "Ah--armour,
+and ancestors, and tapestry, and secret doors, no doubt," thought Jones
+to himself.
+
+3. "You must see my old hall," said the stranger. "I'll show you all the
+ins and outs of it. I can put you up----" "Really very good of you!"
+exclaimed Jones. "Shall be delighted to accept----" "Put you up to no
+hend of wrinkles about old halls," continued the stranger.
+
+4. They alighted at the terminus. "There--there's my old hall! Hain't it
+a beauty?" said the stranger. Jones sank slowly to the earth, without a
+groan. That ungrammatical stranger's vaunted possession was a hold-all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RULES FOR THE RAIL
+
+A REMINISCENCE OF THE BAD OLD DAYS
+
+The President of the Board of Trade having sent a circular to the
+railway companies with reference to making provisions for the prevention
+of accidents and the enforcement of punctuality, especially in
+connection with the running of excursion trains at this period of the
+year, the following regulations will probably come under consideration.
+
+1. In future one line will be kept (when feasible) for up trains, whilst
+the other is reserved for the use of down-trains. This rule will not
+apply to luggage and mineral trains, and trains inaccurately shunted on
+to lines on which they (the trains) have no right to travel.
+
+2. Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty
+minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts.
+
+3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these
+officers in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only.
+During the rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may
+suffer no inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue
+running by day and by night as heretofore.
+
+4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them.
+He will be required, before leaving his post (when on duty), to order
+one of his children to look after the points during his absence. The
+child he selects for this office should be at least three years old.
+
+5. The driver and stoker in charge of an engine should never sleep at
+the same time unless they have taken proper precautions beforehand to
+prevent an excessive consumption of the company's fuel.
+
+6. When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a
+station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express
+is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling
+stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-class
+passengers.
+
+7. The _debris_ of a train should be removed from the rails before an
+express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken
+place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to
+the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible.
+
+8. As guards of excursion trains have been proved to be useless, their
+places will in future be filled by surgeons. Passengers are particularly
+requested to give no fees to the surgeons accompanying these trains, as
+the salaries of these officials will be provided for in the prices
+charged to the public for excursion tickets.
+
+9. In future, contracts from surgeons and chemists will be accepted on
+the same terms as those already received from refreshment caterers.
+
+10. The public having frequently experienced inconvenience in having to
+leave the station when requiring medical attention, in future the
+waiting-rooms of the third-class passengers will be converted into
+surgeries for first-class passengers. As these saloons will be fitted
+with all the latest inventions in surgical instruments, a small extra
+charge will be made to passengers using them.
+
+11. The directors (in conclusion) fully recognising the responsibility
+conferred upon them by the shareholders, if not by the public, will
+expel from their body in future (as a person evidently of unsound mind)
+any director convicted of travelling by any railway.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ABOLITION OF SECOND-CLASS CARRIAGES
+
+"Are there any second-class carriages on this line, Rogers?"
+
+"No, my lord."
+
+"Ah! then take two first-class tickets, and two third."
+
+"Beg pardon, my lord! But is me and Mrs. Parker expected to go third
+class?"
+
+"Gracious heavens! No, Rogers! not for the world! The third-class
+tickets are for my lady and me!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The old lady is supposed (after a great effort) to have
+made up her mind to travel, just for once, by one "of those new fangled
+railways," and the first thing she beholds on arriving at the station,
+is the above most alarming placard.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TIME BY THE FORELOCK"!
+
+_Dodger._ "Hullo, how are you! Can't stop, though, or I shan't miss my
+train!"
+
+_Codger._ "Catch it, you mean."
+
+_Dodger._ "No, I don't. I always used to miss my right train, so now I
+always miss the one before it, and get home in time for dinner! Ta,
+ta!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: APRIL 1
+
+_Mamma._ "Oh, I am so glad to meet you, professor. You _know
+everything_. Do tell me what time the train that stops nowhere starts."
+[_For once the professor is not ready._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNNECESSARY REMARKS
+
+"What! Have you missed it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OVERCAST"
+
+They were out for a day in the country--were late at the station--he
+left it to her to take the tickets--a horrid crowd--frightfully hot--and
+she was hustled and flustered considerably when she reached the
+carriage.
+
+_He (cool and comfortable)._ "How charming the yellow gorse----"
+
+_She (in a withering tone)._ "You didn't 'xpect to see it blue, I
+s'ppose!"
+
+  [_Tacet!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DELIGHTFUL REMINISCENCE OF THE BOAT-RACE
+
+_Sweep (to a carriage full of light blue ribbons)._ "Won't yer make room
+for a little 'un, ladies and gents? I'm for the Cambridge lot!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIVILEGES OF HIGH RANK
+
+_Railway Gatesman._ "It's agin the rules, my lady, openin' o' the gate
+like this; but it ain't for the likes o' me to keep yer _ladyship_ a
+waitin'."
+
+_Noble Countess._ "Why is it against the rules, my good man?"
+
+_Railway Gatesman._ "Well, my lady, the 5.17 down express has been doo
+these ten minutes!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE NEWS"
+
+_Season-Ticket Holder (airily)._ "'Morning, station-master. Anything
+fresh?"
+
+_Station-Master ("bit of a wag")._ "N-no, sir, not that I've----
+ah!--yes--now I think of it, sir--that's fresh paint you're leaning
+agai----!"
+
+[_Violent pas seul, with language to match._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE
+
+  The man who got in at Blackfriars
+  Was smoking the foulest of briars,
+    But it went out all right--
+    Could I give him a light?--
+  Hadn't got one--well, all men are liars.
+
+  I've frequently noticed the Temple
+  Is a place there are not enough rhymes to;
+    And that's why I've made
+    This verse somewhat blank,
+  And rather disregarded the metre.
+
+  How _do_ you pronounce Charing Cross?
+  It's a point where I'm quite at a loss.
+    Some people, of course,
+    Would rhyme it with "horse,"
+  But I always rhyme it with "hoss."
+
+  A woman at Westminster Bridge
+  Had got just a speck on the ridge
+    Of her Romanesque nose.
+    "It's a black, I suppose,"
+  She observed. Then it flew--'twas a midge.
+
+  One man from the Park of St. James,
+  Had really the loftiest aims;
+    In the hat-rack he sat,
+    Used my hair as a mat,
+  And when I demurred called me names.
+
+  I bought from the stall at Victoria
+  A horrible sixpenny story, a
+    Book of a kind
+    It pained me to find
+  For sale at our English emporia.
+
+  I found when I got to Sloane Square
+  That my ticket was gone; my despair
+    Was awful to see,
+    Till at last to my glee
+  I looked in my hat--it was there!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A REAL GRIEVANCE
+
+_Porter at Junction._ "Phew! All this luggage registered in advance and
+not a bloomin' tip do I get for handling it."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO LIKELY!
+
+SCENE--_Bar of a railway refreshment-room._
+
+_Barmaid._ "Tea, sir?"
+
+_Mr. Boozy._ "Tea!!! ME!!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AS SHYLOCK SAID.--_Railway shareholder, with shares at a discount._
+"Give me my principal, and let me go."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SPEEDY RETRIBUTION
+
+_Small Boy._ "'Arf ticket ter Baker Street."
+
+[_Pays, and awaits delivery of ticket_
+
+_Clerk._ "It's a shameful thing, a kid like you smoking!"
+
+_Small Boy (indignantly)._ "Who are yer callin' a kid? I'm fourteen!"
+
+_Clerk._ "Oh, are you? Then you pay full fare to Baker Street!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A HINT TO RAILWAY TRAVELLERS
+
+By breathing on the glass--and holding a speaking doll by way of baby to
+the window--you may generally keep your compartment select.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE
+
+If you see half-a-dozen new patent leather covered basket-trunks with a
+name written upon all of them, in staring white characters, accompanied
+by a gigantic portmanteau and three hat-boxes, you may know that the
+Honourable Lionel and Rowena Silverspoon have started on their
+wedding-tour.
+
+If you see a weather-beaten portmanteau, accompanied by a neat little
+trunk and a pretty little birdcage, you may know that Edwin and Angelina
+Dovecot are going to Ventnor for the honeymoon.
+
+If you see a big carpet-bag, accompanied by a large white umbrella and a
+tin colour-box, you may know that Daub, A. R. A., is going to Brittany in
+search of subjects.
+
+If you see an overcrowded portmanteau, accompanied by a double-locked
+despatch-box, you may know that urgent private affairs have induced
+Captain Bubble (Promoter of Public Companies) to leave the City
+hurriedly for Spain.
+
+If you see a small bundle, accompanied by a pair of handcuffs, you may
+know that urgent public affairs have induced Sergeant Smart (of the
+Detective Police) to follow the same _route_ taken by Captain Bubble _en
+voyage_ for Spain.
+
+If you see twenty-four patent reversible extra waterproof holdalls, with
+all the latest improvements, painted blue, green, yellow, and red, and
+covered with hotel labels, accompanied by thirty-seven deal packing
+cases, you may know that Colonel Jerusalem R. X. E. Squash, U.S.A., and
+family are engaged in "doing" Europe.
+
+If you see fifteen trunks, all more or less damaged, accompanied by an
+old portmanteau and a double perambulator, you may know that Mr. and
+Mrs. Paterfamilias and children are going to Herne Bay for a month.
+
+If you see, in conclusion, a neat knapsack and a spiked walking-stick,
+you may know that _Mr. Punch_ is off to Switzerland to enjoy himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ADJUSTMENT
+
+_Our Station-Master (to old Jinks, whom he had kindly provided with a
+foot-warmer on a journey down the line to see his sick daughter)._
+"Well, did you find the benefit of it, Master Jinks?"
+
+_Old Jinks._ "Oh, aye, thankee, Mr. Green! Tha' there box o' hot water
+tha' wor uncommon' comfor'able, sure-ly! I sat on 'm the whol' o' the
+way, an' tha' did warm me up to-rights, I can tell 'ee!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Passenger._ "Well, you say you've put all my luggage
+safe, what are you waiting for?--I thought you were forbidden to take
+money!"
+
+_Porter._ "So we is, sir. We never 'takes' it--it's 'given to us!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LIMITED MALE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG FOR ENGINE-DRIVERS BEFORE A COLLISION.--"Whistle--and I'll come to
+you, my lad."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"READING between the lines" is a dangerous occupation--when there's a
+train coming.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HIGH-METALLED RACER.--A locomotive engine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DEFINITION WANTED
+
+"Beg pardon, sir, but don't you see the notice?"
+
+"Yes, my good fellow, but I never said I was a gentleman!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY SEASON TICKET
+
+  Ever against my breast,
+  Safe in my pocket pressed,
+  Ready at my behest,
+    Daintily pretty
+  Gilt-printed piece of leather,
+  Though fair or foul the weather,
+  Daily we go together
+    Up to the City.
+  Yet, as I ride at ease,
+  Papers strewn on my knees,
+  And I hear "Seasons, please!"
+    Shouted in warning:
+  Pockets I search in vain
+  All through and through again;
+  "Pray do not stop the train--
+    Lost it this morning.
+  No, I have not a card,
+  Nor can I pay you, guard--
+  Truly my lot is hard,
+    This is the reason,
+  Now I recall to mind
+  Changing my clothes, I find
+  I left them all behind,--
+    Money, cards, 'season.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE SOUTH-EASTERN COMPANY'S REFRESHMENT ROOMS.--"O Swallow,
+Swallow, flying, flying south!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN INQUIRING MIND
+
+"Is this _our_ train, aunty?"
+
+"No, dear."
+
+"Whose train is it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ["An 'Imperial Railway Administration' is now a part of
+Chinese bureaucracy."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+If China is to have railways, of course the dragon must enter into the
+design of the locomotives, &c., as above.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MASHONALAND RAILWAY
+
+["Sir Charles Metcalfe, the engineer, is now busy at Umtali arranging
+for the station at that place."--_Daily Telegraph._]
+
+Umtali station in the near future. The Boo-Boola express just due.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FLYING SCOTCHMAN]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT A RAILWAY STATION
+
+  Never the time and the train
+    And the station all together!
+  My watch--set "fast" in vain!
+    Slow cab--and foggy weather!
+  I have missed the express again.
+  It was all the porter's fault, not mine,
+    But his mind is narrow, his brain is bleak,
+  His slowness and red tape combine
+    To make him take about a week
+    To label my bag--and he dared to speak,
+    When I bade him hurry, bad words, in fine!
+    O epithet all incarnadine,
+      Leave, leave the lips of the working-man!
+                It is simply past
+                All bounds--aghast
+      My indignation scarce hold I can.
+    My watch may have helped to thus mislead,
+    My cab by the fog have been stayed indeed;
+    But still, however these things may be,
+    Out there on the platform wrangle we--
+    Oh, hot and strong slang I and he,
+              --I and he!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SYMPATHY
+
+_Passenger (in a whisper, behind his paper, to Wilkins, who had been
+"catching it" from the elder lady)._ "Mother-'n-law?"
+
+_Wilkins (in still fainter whisper)._ "Ye'"
+
+_Passenger._ "'Got just such 'nother!"
+
+  [_They console together at the next buffet._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROUGH'S RAILWAY GUIDE
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The ready rough may always regard a third-class carriage, or indeed, any
+carriage he can make his way into with or without a ticket, on the
+Underground Railway as a sort of travelling Alsatia, where brutal
+blackguardism finds "sanctuary."
+
+The one duty of a guard--as of a watch--is to "keep time." He is not
+expected to keep anything else, except tips. For instance he is not
+bound to keep his temper, or to keep on the look out for roughs.
+
+No one has a legal right to get into a carriage which is full, but then
+a third-class carriage never is full so long as one more brawny brute
+can violently force his way into it.
+
+When bent upon enjoying the exceptional privileges and immunities
+reserved for blackguardism by the Underground Gallios, it is only
+necessary for a few hulking ruffians, big of course, and half drunk by
+preference, to thrust themselves violently in some compartment
+containing no less than twice its legal complement. In doing this they
+will, of course, rudely trample the toes of weak women, and insolently
+dislodge the hats of inoffensive men; thus paving the way pleasantly for
+future operations.
+
+Having squeezed themselves in somehow, they can then further indulge in
+the lesser amenities of travel by puffing rank tobacco smoke in the
+faces of their fellow-passengers, expectorating at large with not too
+nice a reference to direction, and indulging in howling, chaff, and
+horse-play of the most offensive character.
+
+The addition of blasphemy, especially if there should be women and
+children present, may probably provoke a mild remonstrance from some
+one, and then the rough's opportunity has arrived at last.
+
+To particularise the rough's rules for dealing with such an objector and
+his sympathisers--if any--would be as tedious as superfluous; but the
+combined arts of the low pugilist, the intoxicated wife-beater, and the
+Lancashire "purler," may be called into play, with much enjoyment and
+perfect safety, until the object of his wrath is beaten into
+unconsciousness or kicked into convulsions. On reaching a station, the
+frightened passengers may perhaps dare to appeal to the guard! That
+autocratic official will of course, with much angry hustling and
+holloaing, declare that _he_ can't stop to interfere, _his_ business
+being, not to stay actual violence or prevent possible homicide, but to
+"keep time," and the ruffianly scoundrels go off shouting and singing
+"_Rule Britannia_" and telling their pals "what a bloomin' lark they've
+had in the Hunderground."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ticket Clerk._ "Where for, ma'am?"
+
+_Old Lady._ "There! Lawk a mercy if I haven't forgot. Oh! mister, please
+run over a few of the willages on this railway, will yer?"
+
+  [_Bell rings--Old Lady is swept away._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YE RAILWAY STATION DURING YE HOLIDAY TIME IN YE ROMAN
+PERIOD
+
+(From a rare old frieze (not) in ye British Museum)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WAR'S ALARMS"
+
+_Timorous Old Lady (in a twitter)._ "Are those cannon balls,
+station-master?"
+
+_Station-Master (compassionately)._ "Oh no, mu'm, they're only Dutch
+cheeses, 'm', come by the Rotterdam boat last night--that's all, mu'm!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAIDEN'S PRAYER
+
+A sketch at Aldersgate Street Station]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OBSTRUCTIONISTS IN A SMOKING CARRIAGE]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TERMINUS TRIOLETS
+
+_At Charing Cross._
+
+  To Paris by the tidal train.
+    Here, register this luggage, quick!
+  Why, all the world seems going, Jane,
+  To Paris by the tidal train.
+  It's blowing quite a hurricane;
+    I hope, my love, you won't be sick.
+  To Paris by the tidal train.
+    Here, register this luggage, quick!
+
+_At Euston._
+
+  By Jove, I've run it precious near,
+    Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!
+  Look sharp, now, porter, for it's clear,
+  By Jove, I've run it precious near.
+  Holloa!--that gun-case--hand it here,
+    The hat-box in the van can go.
+  By Jove, I've run it precious near!
+    Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!
+
+_At Liverpool Street._
+
+  Six wholes, three halves, all second class.
+    The baby, mind, you might have killed her.
+  Oh, policeman, please to let us pass!
+  Six wholes, three halves, all second class,
+  To Yarmouth. What a madd'ning mass
+    Of people. Do come on, Matilda.
+  Six wholes, three halves, all second class.
+    The baby, mind, you might have killed her.
+
+_At Victoria._
+
+  Two first, return, to Brighton, please.
+    Oh, yes--we'll go in Pullman's car.
+  I like to travel at my ease;
+  Two first, return, to Brighton, please.
+  We're running down to breathe the breeze,
+    I can't from business go too far.
+  Two first, return, to Brighton, please.
+    Oh, yes--we'll go in Pullman's car.
+
+_At Paddington._
+
+  Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray;
+    Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?
+  How could he know we're wed to-day?
+  Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.
+  My darling, hide that white bouquet;
+    My head with champagne fumes is spinning.
+  Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.
+    Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?
+
+_At Waterloo._
+
+  Good-bye my boy; just one kiss more;
+    You'll write to mother now and then?
+  A sign from sea is sweet on shore,
+  Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more.
+  Nay, don't you cry, dear, I implore,
+    Red eyes are never meant for men.
+  Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more;
+    You'll write to mother now and then?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "The last link is broken that bound me to thee"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Railway Book, edited by J. A. Hammerton
+
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