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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cabinet Minister, by Arthur Pinero
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Cabinet Minister
+       A farce in four acts
+
+Author: Arthur Pinero
+
+Release Date: October 1, 2010 [EBook #33957]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CABINET MINISTER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by K Nordquist, Branko Collin, Louise Pattison
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images
+generously made available by The Internet Archive/Canadian
+Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+_The Cabinet Minister_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Arthur W. Pinero_
+
+
+
+
+_THE CABINET MINISTER_
+
+
+
+
+_THE PLAYS OF ARTHUR W. PINERO._
+
+IN MONTHLY VOLUMES.
+
+Price _1s. 6d._, paper; _2s. 6 d._, cloth.
+
+     1. _+The Times.+ A Comedy in Four Acts._
+
+     2. _+The Profligate.+ A Play in Four Acts. With a Portrait, and
+        a Preface by Malcolm C. Salaman._
+
+     3. _+The Cabinet Minister.+ A Farce in Four Acts. With an
+        Introductory Note by Malcolm C. Salaman._
+
+     4. _+The Hobby Horse.+ [Ready February._
+
+_To be followed by "Lady Bountiful," "Dandy Dick," "The Magistrate,"
+"The Schoolmistress," "The Weaker Sex," "Lords and Commons," "The
+Squire," and "Sweet Lavender."_
+
+
+
+
+THE CABINET MINISTER
+
+A FARCE
+
+In Four Acts
+
+By ARTHUR W. PINERO
+
+LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN
+
+MDCCCXCII
+
+COPYRIGHT, JANUARY 1892.
+
+_All rights reserved._
+
+_Entered at Stationers' Hall._
+
+_Entered at the Library of Congress, Washington, U.S.A._
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTORY NOTE
+
+
+It is well known that Mr. Pinero holds decided views of his own as to
+the nature and function of farce; indeed, he claims for it a wider scope
+and a more comprehensive purpose than have ever been associated with
+farce of the old Adelphi type, or the more modern genus of the Palais
+Royal. He has openly expressed his opinion that farce must gradually
+become the modern equivalent of comedy, since the present being an age
+of sentiment rather than of manners, the comic playwright must of
+necessity seek his humour in the exaggeration of sentiment. Thus Mr.
+Pinero holds that farce should treat of probable people placed in
+possible circumstances, but regarded from a point of view which
+exaggerates their sentiments and magnifies their foibles. In this light
+it is permitted to this class of play, not only to deal with ridiculous
+incongruities of incident and character, but to satirise society, and to
+wring laughter from those possible distresses of life which might trace
+their origin to fallacies of feeling and extravagances of motive.
+
+"The Cabinet Minister" is the latest of Mr. Pinero's series of farces,
+and it may be regarded as the direct development of ideas which he began
+to put into practice when he wrote "The Magistrate." Since then these
+ideas have undergone a process of gradual evolution, which may be
+clearly traced through the successive productions of "The
+Schoolmistress," "Dandy Dick," and "The Cabinet Minister," in each of
+which it will be seen that the author has aimed less at the exposition
+of a plot than at the satirising of particular types of character in a
+possible social atmosphere.
+
+"The Cabinet Minister" was written early in 1889, and produced by Mrs.
+John Wood and Mr. Arthur Chudleigh at the Court Theatre, on April 23,
+1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following is a copy of the Programme:--
+
+    ROYAL COURT THEATRE.
+
+    UNDER THE MANAGEMENT OF MRS. JOHN WOOD.
+
+    ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23rd,
+
+    At 8 o'clock,
+
+    WILL BE ACTED FOR THE FIRST TIME
+
+    AN ORIGINAL FARCE IN FOUR ACTS, CALLED
+
+    THE CABINET MINISTER,
+
+    BY
+
+    A. W. PINERO.
+
+
+  EARL OF DRUMDURRIS
+    (in the Guards)                               Mr. RICHARD SAUNDERS.
+
+  VISCOUNT  ABERBROTHOCK
+      (his Son)                                      *   *   *   *
+
+  RIGHT HON. SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, G.C.M.G., M.P.
+    (Secretary of State for the ---- Department)  Mr. ARTHUR CECIL.
+
+  BROOKE TWOMBLEY (his Son)                       Mr. E. ALLAN AYNESWORTH.
+
+  MACPHAIL OF BALLOCHEEVIN                        Mr. BRANDON THOMAS.
+
+  MR. JOSEPH LEBANON                              Mr. WEEDON GROSSMITH.
+
+  VALENTINE WHITE
+    (Lady Twombley's Nephew)                      Mr. HERBERT WARING.
+
+  MR. MITFORD[A]
+    (Sir Julian's Private Secretary)              Mr. FRANK FARREN.
+
+  THE MUNKITTRICK                                 Mr. JOHN CLULOW.
+
+  PROBYN (A Servant)                              Mr. ERNEST PATON.
+
+  DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS                  Miss R. G. LE THIÈRE.
+
+  LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART (her Daughter)             Miss ISABEL ELLISSEN.
+
+  COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS                          Miss EVA MOORE.
+
+  LADY TWOMBLEY                                   Mrs. JOHN WOOD.
+
+  IMOGEN (her Daughter)                           Miss FLORENCE TANNER.
+
+  LADY MACPHAIL                                   Mrs. EDMUND PHELPS.
+
+  HON. MRS. GAYLUSTRE
+    (a Young Widow trading as Mauricette
+    et Cie., 17A, Plunkett Street, Mayfair)      Miss ROSINA FILIPPI.
+
+  ANGÈLE                                         Miss MARIANNE CALDWELL.
+
+  MISS MUNKITTRICK                               Miss FLORENCE HARRINGTON.
+
+    [A] _Subsequently changed to_ MELTON.
+
+
+    ACT I.
+
+    DEBT.
+
+    _At_ Sir JULIAN TWOMBLEY'S, _Chesterfield Gardens. May._
+
+
+    ACT II.
+
+    DIFFICULTIES.
+
+    _At_ Sir JULIAN'S _again. July._
+
+
+    ACT III.
+
+    DISASTER.
+
+    _At Drumdurris Castle, Perthshire. August._
+
+
+    ACT IV.
+
+    DANCING.
+
+    _The same place. The next day._
+
+
+    THE SCENERY IS DESIGNED AND PAINTED BY T. W. HALL.
+
+
+The reception on the first night was of a half-hearted character, for
+the play had been described simply as a farce, and the audience found
+itself laughing at seemingly serious situations which it felt should
+properly provoke tears, feeling sympathetically interested in passages
+of sentiment one moment, only to mock at them the next, and, in fact,
+experiencing constant perplexity as to its emotional duties. The
+programme certainly said "farce" in black and white, and what could that
+mean but unmitigated nonsense and laughter? Yet, here was actual drama
+with a whimsical twist that was most surprising; here were bits of
+pathos which were positively comic. Could this be farce? But happily
+that kind of criticism is soon forgotten whose principle is, like that
+of _Mr. Punch's_ navvy, "Here's a stranger, let's 'eave 'alf a brick at
+him." The "mixed" greeting of "The Cabinet Minister" gave place to very
+enthusiastic receptions on succeeding nights, and, in spite of the
+perplexity confessed in many of the criticisms of the play, the theatre
+was crowded night after night, and the fashionable and political worlds
+flocked to the Court, many leading politicians being frequent visitors.
+
+The season terminated on August 8, and the theatre re-opened on October
+11, from which time the popularity of Mr. Pinero's play continued as
+great as ever. But, after 197 performances, Mrs. John Wood decided to
+withdraw "The Cabinet Minister" on February 14, 1891, in the very zenith
+of its success, while a further long run was still to be reasonably
+expected. This play has not yet been seen in the provinces, but Mr.
+Augustin Daly has arranged to produce it, with his famous company, at
+his theatre in New York early in the present month.
+
+    MALCOLM C. SALAMAN.
+
+    _January 1892._
+
+
+
+
+_THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY_
+
+
+    RIGHT HON. SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, G.C.M.G.,
+      M.P., _Secretary of State for the * * * Department_
+
+    LADY TWOMBLEY
+
+    BROOKE TWOMBLEY, _their son_
+
+    IMOGEN, _their daughter_
+
+    DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS
+
+    LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART, _her daughter_
+
+    EARL OF DRUMDURRIS
+
+    COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS
+
+    VISCOUNT ABERBROTHOCK, _their son_
+
+    LADY MACPHAIL
+
+    MACPHAIL OF BALLOCHEEVIN, _her son_
+
+    VALENTINE WHITE, _Lady Twombley's nephew_
+
+    HON. MRS. GAYLUSTRE, _trading as Mauricette et Cie.,
+      17a Plunkett Street, Mayfair_
+
+    MR. JOSEPH LEBANON
+
+    MR. MELTON
+
+    THE MUNKITTRICK
+
+    MISS MUNKITTRICK
+
+    PROBYN
+
+    ANGÈLE
+
+
+
+
+    _THE FIRST ACT_
+
+    DEBT
+
+
+    _THE SECOND ACT_
+
+    DIFFICULTIES
+
+
+    _THE THIRD ACT_
+
+    DISASTER
+
+
+    _THE FOURTH ACT_
+
+    DANCING
+
+
+
+
+THE CABINET MINISTER
+
+
+
+
+THE FIRST ACT.
+
+DEBT
+
+
+The scene is a conservatory built and decorated in Moorish style, in the
+house of the RT. HON. SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, M.P., Chesterfield Gardens,
+London. A fountain is playing, and tall palms lend their simple elegance
+to the elaborate Algerian magnificence of the place. The drawing-rooms
+are just beyond the curtained entrances. It is a May afternoon.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY, a good-looking but insipid young man of about
+two-and-twenty, faultlessly dressed for the afternoon, enters, and sits
+dejectedly, turning over some papers.
+
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I've done it. Such an afternoon's work--what! [Reading.] "Schedule of
+the Debts of Mr. Brooke Twombley. [Turning over sheet after sheet.]
+Tradesmen. Betting Transactions. Baccarat. Miscellaneous Amusements.
+Sundries. Extras."
+
+[PROBYN, a servant in powder and livery, is crossing the conservatory,
+when he sees BROOKE.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Oh, Mr. Brooke.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Slipping the schedule into his pocket.] Eh!
+
+PROBYN.
+
+I didn't know you were in, sir. Her ladyship told me to give you this,
+Mr. Brooke--quietly.
+
+[He hands BROOKE a letter which he has taken from his pocket.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Glancing at the envelope.] The Mater. Thank you. [A little cough is
+heard. He looks toward the drawing-room.] Is anyone there?
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Mrs. Gaylustre, sir.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+The dressmaker! What does she want?
+
+PROBYN.
+
+She told Phipps, Miss Imogen's maid, sir, that she was anxious to see
+the effect of her ladyship's and Miss Imogen's gowns when they get back
+from the Drawing-Room.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+You should take her upstairs.
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Beg your pardon, Mr. Brooke, but we've always understood that when Mrs.
+Gaylustre calls in the morning she's a dressmaker, and when she calls in
+the afternoon she's a lady.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, very well; it's awfully confusing. [PROBYN goes out. BROOKE reads
+the letter.] "My sweet child. For heaven's sake let me have your
+skeddle, or whatever you call your list of debts, directly. I'll do my
+best to get you out of your scrape, though _how_ I can't think. I'm
+desperately short of money, and altogether--as my poor dear father used
+to say--things are as blue as old Stilton. If your pa finds out what a
+muddle I'm in, I fear he'll throw up public life and bury us in the
+country, and then good-by to my dear boy's and girl's prospects. So if I
+contrive to clear you once more, don't do it again, my poppet, or you'll
+break the heart of your loving mother, Kitty Twombley." The Mater's a
+brick--what! But I wonder if she has any notion how much it tots up to.
+
+[He places the letter upon the back of a large saddle-bag arm-chair
+while he takes out the schedule.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Three thousand seven hundred and fifty-six, nought, two. What!
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+A young man wants to see you, Mr. Brooke.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Who is it?
+
+PROBYN.
+
+No card, sir--and rather queerly dressed. Says he has a wish to shake
+hands with you on the door-step.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I say! He mustn't, you know--what!
+
+PROBYN.
+
+I don't quite like the look of him, sir; gives the name of White--Mr.
+Valentine White.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, that's my cousin!
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Cousin, sir! I beg pardon.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Where is he?
+
+[BROOKE goes out quickly, followed by PROBYN. The HON. MRS. GAYLUSTRE,
+an attractive, self-possessed, mischievous-looking woman, of not more
+than thirty, very fashionably dressed, enters from the drawing-room.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+How very charming! Lady Twombley's latest fad, the Algerian
+conservatory. And there was a time when a sprig of geranium on the
+window-sill would have contented her. [Looking at a photograph of LADY
+TWOMBLEY upon the table.] There she is--Kitty Twombley. In one of my
+gowns too. Kitty Twombley, once Kitty White, the daughter of a poor
+farmer down in Cleverton. Ah, when young Mr. Julian Twombley came
+canvassing Farmer White's vote he found you innocently scrubbing the
+bricks, I suppose! And now! [With a courtesy.] Lady Twombley, wife of a
+Cabinet Minister and Patroness Extraordinary of that deserving young
+widow, Fanny Gaylustre! [She sits surveying the portraits upon the
+table.] Ha, ha! I'll turn you all to account some fine day. Why
+shouldn't I finish as well as the dairy-fed daughter of a Devonshire
+yokel? What on earth is wrong with my bonnet? [She puts her hand up
+behind her head and finds LADY TWOMBLEY's letter which BROOKE had left
+on the back of the chair.] Lady Twombley's writing. [Reading.] "My sweet
+child. For heaven's sake let me have your skeddle----" [She sits up
+suddenly and devours the contents of the letter.] Oh! [Reading aloud.]
+"I'm desperately short of money! Things are as blue as old Stilton! If
+your pa finds out----!" My word!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Heard speaking outside.] My dear Valentine, why shouldn't you come
+in--what?
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE creeps round in front of the table and disappears with
+the letter in her hand as BROOKE enters, dragging in VALENTINE WHITE, a
+roughly-dressed, handsome young fellow of about six-and-twenty, bronzed
+and bearded.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Now, Brooke, you know I cut away from England years ago because I
+couldn't endure ceremony of any kind.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I'm not treating you with ceremony--what!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Looking about him.] Phew! the atmosphere's charged with it. That fellow
+with his hair powdered nearly sent me running down the street like a mad
+dog.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Where the deuce have you been for the last six or eight years?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Where? Oh, buy a geography; call it, "Explorations of Valentine White in
+Search of Freedom," and there you have it.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Freedom!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Blessed freedom from forms, shams, and ceremonies of all sorts and
+descriptions.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, you left us for South Africa. Didn't South Africa satisfy you?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Satisfy me! I joined the expedition to Bangwaketsi. What were the
+consequences?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Fever?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Worse. There's no ceremony about fever. No, Brooke, I was snubbed by a
+major in the Kalahari Desert, because I didn't dress for dinner.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then we heard of you herding filthy cattle in Mexico.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Yes, at Durango. I enjoyed that, till some younger sons of the nobility
+came out and left cards at my hut. I afterwards drove a railway engine
+in Bolivia.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+By Jove, how awful--what! Wasn't that sufficiently beastly rough?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+My dear fellow, would you believe it--I got hold of a stoker who was a
+decayed British baronet! The affected way in which that man shovelled on
+coals was unendurable. So I've come back, hopelessly wise.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Serve you right for kicking at refinement and good form and all that
+sort of thing. What!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Mimicking BROOKE.] Varnish, and veneer, and all that sort of
+thing--what!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, confound you! Well, you'll dine here at a quarter to eight, Val,
+won't you?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Dine in Chesterfield Gardens! Thirteen courses and eight wines! Heaven
+forgive you, Brooke.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Look here, you shall eat on the floor with a wooden spoon.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Thank you--even your floors are too highly polished. Tell Aunt Kitty and
+little Imogen that I shall walk in Kensington Gardens to-morrow morning
+at ten.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Little Imogen! Haw, haw!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Well?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I think it will pretty considerably wound your susceptibilities to hear
+that my sister Imogen is being presented by the Mater this afternoon.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[In horror.] Presented!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Presented at Court--Drawing-Room, you know.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+How dare they! poor little child!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Haw, haw! If you'll wait a few minutes you'll see an imposing display of
+trains and feathers. Some of them are coming on here after the ceremony
+to drink tea, I believe.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Trains and feathers! Good gracious, Brooke, Imogen must have grown up!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Here's her portrait--what?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Staring at the portrait.] I am right, Brooke--she _has_ grown up!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Haw!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Eight years ago she was a romp, with a frock that always had a tear in
+it, and a head like a cornfield in the wind. Just look at this! While
+I've been away they've given her a new frock and brushed her hair. What
+an awful change!
+
+[PROBYN appears at the conservatory entrance.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Lady Euphemia Vibart.
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART, a handsome, distinguished-looking, and elegantly
+dressed girl of about twenty, enters. She scarcely notices VALENTINE,
+who bows formally.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+No one has returned yet, Brooke?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Effie, don't you recollect Mr. White?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh! how do you do? [She shakes hands with him in an affected manner.] We
+are distantly related, I remember.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Lady Euphemia, I join you in remembering the relationship--and the
+distance.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, I don't mean that, Mr. White. At any rate, we were excellent friends
+many years ago when our cousin Imogen used to give us tea in her
+school-room. She will be _too_ rejoiced at your return.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[At the window.] Hullo, I think pa has come home.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Good-by, Lady Euphemia.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I say, Effie, Mr. White won't stay.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Indifferently.] What a pity!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+He has turned against civilization, you know, and has become a sort of
+pleasant cannibal.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+A cannibal! That is _too_ interesting. Pray remain, Mr. White. My
+brother, Lord Drumdurris, is on duty at the Palace to-day and is coming
+on here. We all knew each other as children. He will be _too_ delighted.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I recollect Lord Vibart, as he then was, very well. He once burnt me
+with a red-hot poker.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Good-humouredly, I am sure. Perhaps you have not heard that he married
+Lady Egidia Cardelloe, Lord Struddock's second daughter, about two years
+ago. If you stay you will meet her also.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Ah, I am afraid I--I----
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+You will find her _too_ enchanting.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, he won't. She's not tattooed or anything.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+They have a little son, just five months old, who is _too_ divine.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, now, if you boiled the baby it might be to Val's taste.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+As they have been constantly travelling, Egidia is only just presented
+to-day by my mother. You recollect Lady Drumdurris, my mother?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Perfectly.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Poking VALENTINE in the side.] Old Lady Drum!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+My mother will be _too_ charmed to meet you again.
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+[To BROOKE.] Sir Julian is coming into the conservatory, sir.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa! [PROBYN goes out.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, dear Sir Julian! [She runs out.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Look sharp, Brooke. Let me out.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Val, I'll tell you what. Come upstairs and smoke a cigarette in my room,
+and I'll bring the Mater and Imogen to you on the quiet when the people
+are gone.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Why, Brooke, do you think that Aunt Kitty and Imogen want a roving
+relative on the premises who isn't worth tuppence!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Bosh! Look out, here's pa! He seems awfully mumpish. Come on.
+
+[He takes VALENTINE out. Directly they are gone LADY EUPHEMIA re-enters
+with SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, an aristocratic but rather weak-looking man of
+about fifty-five, wearing his Ministerial uniform.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Are you pleased to get back, uncle?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Emphatically.] Yes.
+
+[She places him in the arm-chair. He sinks into it with a sigh.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+How is your neuralgia?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Intense. It has been so ever since----
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Putting her smelling-bottle to his nose.] Ever since?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ever since I took Office. Thank you.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Was it a very brilliant Drawing-Room?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I think it must have been. I have been more than usually trodden upon.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Did you catch a glimpse of Aunt Kitty or of any of our people?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I _heard_ Lady Twombley. What inexhaustible spirit she has! Euphemia, my
+dear, I confide in you. But for Lady Twombley I could never endure the
+badgering, the browbeating, the hackling, for which I seem especially
+selected.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+It's _too_ unjust.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I know I am going to have a bad time in the House to-night!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Don't dwell upon it, uncle.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Euphemia! [He jumps up almost fiercely.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Uncle Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Certain members of the Opposition are going too far. They regard me as a
+bull in the arena. They goad me, they pierce me with questions. And
+then, the lack of journalistic sympathy! Look here!
+
+[He stealthily produces a newspaper from his pocket.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Reproachfully.] Uncle Julian, you've bought a newspaper. You promised
+aunt you never would.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+H'm! I would have you know, Euphemia, that I have not absolutely broken
+my pledge to Lady Twombley. I made Harris, the coachman, purchase this.
+As you drive home drop it out of your carriage window.
+
+[As LADY EUPHEMIA takes the paper from him her eyes fall upon a
+paragraph.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh! do they mean you, uncle?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Without doubt.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Reading.] "The Square Peg!"
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hush! the servant!
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA crams the paper into her pocket. PROBYN enters, carrying
+a small music-easel with some music on it and a flute in a case.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Here, Sir Julian?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, do play, uncle!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To PROBYN.] Thank you.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+It will soothe you.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Taking the flute from PROBYN.] My only vice, Euphemia. [PROBYN goes
+out. SIR JULIAN sounds a mournful note.] This little friend has inspired
+some of my most conspicuous oratorical triumphs. It has furnished me
+with many a cutting rejoinder for question time. [He sounds another
+note.] Ah, I know I am going to have such a bad night in the House.
+
+[He plays. MRS. GAYLUSTRE enters with BROOKE.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[To herself.] That woman!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To LADY EUPHEMIA.] How do you do?
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA stares, inclines her head slightly, and goes to BROOKE.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] Haughty wretch!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mrs. Gaylustre!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, Sir Julian, don't, don't stop!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I thought I was alone with Lady Euphemia.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I am waiting to see dear Lady Twombley. Oh, do permit me to hear that
+sweet instrument!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pray sit down!
+
+[SIR JULIAN resumes his seat and plays a plaintive melody. MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE listens in a rapt attitude.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[To BROOKE.] That person is _too_ odious to me.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Several people have taken her up.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Somehow, being taken up is what she suggests.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+She seems a sort of society mermaid--half a lady and half a
+milliner--what? Only it bothers you to know where the one leaves off and
+the other begins. Who is she?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+In prehistoric days she was a Miss Lebanon. Lord Bulpitt's son, Percy
+Gaylustre, met her at Nice--or somewhere.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, yes, and he married her--or something.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Yes, and now she's a widow--or something.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why does the Mater encourage her?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Because Aunt Kate is _too_ good-hearted and impressionable. But, as a
+rule, I think Mrs. Gaylustre makes a considerable reduction to those who
+ask her to their parties. [MRS. GAYLUSTRE is bending over SIR JULIAN and
+turning his music.] Look!
+
+[PROBYN appears at the entrance.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Here's Sir Julian, my lady.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hullo, Mater!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY, a handsome, bright, good-humoured woman, dressed
+magnificently in Court dress, enters. PROBYN retires, and SIR JULIAN
+stops playing.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Kissing BROOKE.] Well, Brooke, darling, have you wanted your mother?
+[Kissing LADY EUPHEMIA.] Effie, how sweet you look! what a dream of a
+bonnet! [Nods to MRS. GAYLUSTRE.] How d'ye do, Mrs. Gaylustre? Why, pa!
+[She bends over him and kisses him.] You're worried--you've been
+playing your whistle.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Flute, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I mean flute. It was my brother Bob who always played a whistle when the
+crops were poor or the lambs fell sickly.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I had not the advantage of your brother Robert's acquaintance.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Where's Imogen? Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Outside.] Mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Come and show yourself to pa.
+
+[IMOGEN enters in her Court dress, a pretty girl of about eighteen.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Effie, dear! Well, Brooke!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To SIR JULIAN.] Look at her!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Quite charming!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Well, papa, have you nothing to say to me?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear, I hesitate to address such a magnificent creature.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Bowing to SIR JULIAN.] Mamma, I think that gentleman wishes to be
+presented to me. I have no objection, if you consider him a person I
+ought to know.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Kissing IMOGEN.] Ah, Julian, our sweet child!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Taking IMOGEN's hand.] My dear.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[With dignity.] I am pleased to make your acquaintance. I've heard you
+mentioned very kindly by my little friend, Imogen Twombley. Pray sit
+down, and I'll sit on your lap. [IMOGEN sits on SIR JULIAN's knee and
+puts her arm round his neck.] Oh, papa, I have been so nervous!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I quite sympathize. I was shockingly nervous when _I_ was presented.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Rising hastily.] Mrs. Gaylustre--I didn't see you.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To BROOKE and LADY EUPHEMIA.] Dear old Lady Leeke, whose wheels we
+locked in the Park, said she had heard Imogen's name mentioned fifty
+times. Mrs. Charlie Lessingham declares nothing prettier has been seen
+since her own first season. And it's true--that's the best of it! I saw
+the child make her courtesy; I was determined I would. I entered the
+Throne Room just before her and tumbled through anyhow, with one eye
+straight in front of me and the other screwed round towards my girl.
+There was a general shudder--it was at my squint.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I trust not, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+When I did get through they gave me my train, as much as to say: "If
+this belongs to you, take it home as soon as possible." But there I
+stuck in the doorway, not budging an inch. I didn't care how the
+officials whispered, and waved, and beckoned; I stood my ground. And
+then, Julian, then my breath nearly went from me, for I saw her coming!
+Effie, it was lovely! Brooke, you would have been proud of your sister!
+Her cheeks were like the outside leaf of a Duchesse de Vallombrosa rose,
+and her eyes like two dewdrops on the top of it; and she had just enough
+fright in her little heart to make her feathers tremble. Then she
+courtesied. Ah, if she had stumbled I should have been by her side in an
+instant--who would have blamed me? I'm her mother!--but she didn't. No,
+she floated towards me--dipping, and dipping, and dipping, again and
+again, as smoothly and gracefully as a swan swimming backward!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY embraces IMOGEN.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+I am _too_ glad, Aunt Kitty.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Awfully satisfactory--what?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I remember Lady Liphook's daughter Miriam falling and rolling over in
+the season of '85.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lor' how sorry I feel for anybody who isn't a mother! But, I say,
+there's a bit that wants taking in there. [Pinching up the shoulder of
+IMOGEN's dress.] Gaylustre, you must tell your woman Antoinette this
+won't do.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, Lady Twombley--please!
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE puts her handkerchief to her eyes.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear, pray forgive me! I really forgot where we were.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY, with a little sob.] You wouldn't hurt my feelings
+wilfully, I know.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Not for the world. But it's a little confusing, mixing up business with
+pleasure. Imogen, let Lady Effie and Mrs. Gaylustre hear you play your
+lovely harp, but don't let the nasty thing hurt your fingers. Brooke, I
+want to speak to you.
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA and IMOGEN stroll out, followed by MRS. GAYLUSTRE.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Mournfully.] I'll dress now, Katherine, and go down.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lor', pa, don't speak as if you were thinking of our tomb at Kensal
+Green.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Competent authorities assure me there is quiet to be found in the tomb;
+I anticipate nothing of that kind where I am going to-night.
+
+[He goes out. LADY TWOMBLEY watches his going, then turns to BROOKE
+sharply.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, have you got it?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+My--er----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your skeddle.
+
+[BROOKE hands his schedule to LADY TWOMBLEY.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+There's a dear boy. [She turns over the leaves, gradually her face
+assumes a look of horror.] "Total, three thousand----!"
+
+[She folds the schedule, puts it in her pocket, and faces BROOKE
+fiercely with her hands clenched.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You imp! [She boxes his right ear soundly.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mater!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You villain! [She boxes his left ear.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't, Mater!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Three thousand pounds! Three thousand times I wish you had never been
+born! I--I---- [She breaks down, puts her arms round Brooke's neck, and
+cries.] Oh, Brooke, my dear, forgive your poor mother's vile temper.
+I've made my Brooke's head ache. Oh, my gracious!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't fret, Mater. If you're run rather low at Scott's----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Scott's, Brooke! When I creep into that bank now and ask for my
+pass-book I have to hold on to the edge of the counter, I feel so sick
+and giddy.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, very well then, Mater, I can wait. Mr. Nazareth, of Burlington
+Street, will accommodate me for a time; a couple of bills, you know, at
+three and six months--what?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Speaking in a whisper.] Brooky, Brooky, I've thought of those dreadful
+things for myself.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+For yourself, Mater! Why, you can always get the right side of pa.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Brooke! Brooky, I must tell you. Just now poor pa has no right side.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mater!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's as much as the dear man can do to get a rattle out of his keys. For
+a long time, Brooke, we've all been outrunning the constable.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Really, Mater, I ought to have been consulted before.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know, Brooke, but I couldn't face my boy's reproaches.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa must have been inexcusably reckless--what?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, it's all my fault, every bit of it. [A pretty melody on the harp is
+heard.] Brooke, never marry a country-bred girl as your pa did. When he
+fell in love with me I was content with three frocks a year--think of
+that!--and had to twist up my own hats. And I could have done it for
+ever down at Cleverton, but I didn't stand the transplanting. Oh, I'll
+never forget how the fine folks snubbed me and sneered at me when I came
+to town. Brooke, my son, I declare to goodness that for ten long years I
+never saw a nose that wasn't turned up! And then pa got his baronetcy,
+and old Lady Drumdurris gave us her forefinger to shake, and that did
+it. But it was too late; I was spoilt by that time. I had been too long
+fishing for friends with dances, and dinners, and drags, and
+race-parties, and all sorts of bait; and when the time came for a few
+people to like me for my own stupid, rough self I'd got into the way of
+scattering sovereigns as freely as I used to sprinkle mignonette seed in
+my little garden at the Yale Farm.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+All this is very painful, Mater--what?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Crying.] What a silly woman I've been, Brooke!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+We're all thoughtless at times.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+If I had but pulled in when pa's Irish rents began to dwindle!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why didn't you, Mater?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I don't know, but I didn't, I only prayed for better times and ordered
+Gillow to refurnish the dining-room. Last season I got through eighteen
+thousand pounds!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+[She twists him round, pointing to the walls of the conservatory.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+And look! Look at this sixpenny Algerian grotto I've stuck in the middle
+of the house. Seven thousand four hundred and fifty this cost, not
+counting the hot-water pipes.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Is it paid for?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your dear pa transferred the money for it to my account at Scott's, but
+I've gone and spent it on other things.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mater!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, my poor heart!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, Mater, any assistance I can render you in this emergency----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, I know. [Seizing his hand and kissing it.] My Brooke! my comfort!
+
+PROBYN.
+
+[Outside.] Lady Drumdurris--Dowager Lady Drumdurris.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Egidia and Aunt Dora.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Wiping her eyes.] Your aunt mustn't see me upset. Brooke, don't think
+anything more of what I've told you. I've tumbled into the mud before
+now, but mud dries to dust and I've always managed to shake it off.
+Dora!
+
+[The DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS enters--a portly, rather
+formidable-looking lady of forty-five or fifty, in Court dress and
+diamonds.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, Dora, are you tired?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I hope I am never fatigued in doing my duty to my family, Kate. Here is
+poor Egidia.
+
+[EGIDIA, COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS enters--a small, serious girl, with a
+great deal of presence and dignity, also in Court dress.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+How do you do, Lady Twombley?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, _poor_ Egidia! Aren't you well, dear?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Egidia received a telegram from Scotland this morning; her son has cut
+his first tooth, during her absence, painfully.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, dear!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+You also are a mother, Lady Twombley. You can sympathize with such cares
+as those I am now endeavouring to sustain.
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA and IMOGEN stroll in.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your boy is five months old, isn't he?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Fergus is precisely five months.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, there are two-and-twenty more teeth to come yet, you know.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Yes, I am schooling myself into that conviction. I am naturally, I hope,
+a woman of more than ordinary courage.
+
+[PROBYN appears at the entrance.]
+
+Probyn.
+
+Lord Drumdurris.
+
+[The EARL OF DRUMDURRIS, a boyish-looking officer of the Guards, in
+uniform, with much dignity and reserve, enters.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+How do you do, Lady Twombley? Egidia.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Keith, you have further news from Scotland?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Another telegram.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah!
+
+[She puts her hand calmly in that of the DOWAGER.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Tell us, my son.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Another tooth. [EGIDIA closes her eyes. The DOWAGER kisses her upon the
+brow.] I offered Lady Macphail and Sir Colin the use of my brougham, but
+they preferred coming on here in their chariot.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lady Macphail and Sir Colin! Coming here!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] I haven't told you what I've done. Keith!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[Bowing.] Certainly.
+
+[He joins the others, who are talking together.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] I have a motive. My whole life has been one vast
+comprehensive motive. Lady Macphail is the little woman to whom I
+introduced you on the stairs at the Palace.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, but----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I encountered her again, and delivered a message from you begging her to
+come on here with Sir Colin to drink tea.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I never----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I know you didn't. My motive is this. She has just brought her boy to
+London.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Is he the great man in the kilt I saw holding on to her lappets?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Yes.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+He's thirty, if he's an hour.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+He's more. But he is a fine example of the grand simplicity that exists
+in many Scottish families. Proprietor of eighty thousand acres, head of
+a great clan, Colin Macphail of Ballocheevin remains a child attached to
+his mother.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I shall be very happy to----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah, you grasp my motive!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, I don't.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[In LADY TWOMBLEY's ear.] _Imogen._
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Imogen _must_ make a match this season and marry before the year is out.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Don't deceive yourself, Kate Twombley. You are aware that Julian's
+position in the Ministry is precarious?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You think so?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Everybody thinks so. It's my opinion they'll make a Jonah of him and
+cast him from them before many months are over. You know what that
+means?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Horrible! Julian giving up public life and settling down in some dismal
+swamp as a country gentleman. He has threatened it.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Very well then; you must assure your children's future before the blow
+falls. What could you do for Imogen in the country?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+A vicar or a small squire.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+More likely a curate or a farmer. Will you resign yourself to that?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never, Dora! I never will! I've had to swallow the husks of London and
+my chicks shall have the barley. Julian _shall_ hold on till they have
+made brilliant marriages!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+He shall! Afterwards I'll go back to darning stockings with a light
+heart.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Well spoken, Kate Twombley!
+
+[PROBYN appears at the entrance.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Sir Colin and Lady Macphail.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] You see my motive?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes, Dora.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL and SIR COLIN enter--she a simple little old woman in
+Court dress, ecstatically sentimental; he a formidable-looking bearded
+man about six feet high, in full Highland costume, bashful and awkward
+in manner, and keeping close to his mother.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY MACPHAIL.] I am delighted to see you here.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Presenting MACPHAIL.] My boy. [He shelters himself behind her and bows
+uneasily.] I have determined to give the lad a season in this mighty
+city, Lady Twombley.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, he'll enjoy himself, I'm sure.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Nay, the Macphails never enjoy themselves in the South.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I'm very sorry; perhaps they don't go the right way about it.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Already Colin's feet ache----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Do they?
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ache to press the heather again, searching for a sight of the red-deer
+in the misty chasms of Ben Muchty, or the wild birds fluttering on the
+gray shore of Loch-na-Doich.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, very pretty country, I dare say.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Where would you be, Colin, at this hour at Castle Ballocheevin? Watching
+the sun sink behind the black peak of Ben-na-Vrachie? Speak, lad!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Sadly.] That is so, mother.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Do you do that every evening at home?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ah, a Macphail always feels like a seagull with a broken wing in the
+South.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You must take care you don't get him run over.
+
+PROBYN.
+
+[Appearing at the entrance.] Tea is in the yellow room, my lady.
+
+[DRUMDURRIS, BROOKE, EGIDIA, and LADY EUPHEMIA go out.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Introducing IMOGEN.] Lady Macphail, Sir Colin--my niece, Imogen.
+Imogen, take Sir Colin to tea.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+This way, Sir Colin.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] You see my motive?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Waiting for MACPHAIL.] Tea is in this room, Sir Colin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Looking at IMOGEN, and then, appealingly, at LADY MACPHAIL.] Come,
+mother.
+
+[IMOGEN, MACPHAIL, and LADY MACPHAIL go out.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY, following the others.] He is impressed!
+
+[SIR JULIAN, in evening dress, enters with a letter in his hand.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine! Katherine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I must speak to you.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+But Dora has just brought a Highland youth here.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I can't help it.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What's wrong, pa? How pale and waxy you look!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Handing her the letter.] An urgent letter from old Mr. Mason, my
+solicitor, about my affairs.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, Lor', pa--another!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You have it upside down.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Everything connected with our affairs _will_ get that way.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mason is imperative.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+He insists upon your considering your pecuniary position.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+What shall I do?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Accede to his request--consider it.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But I am constantly considering it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hush, pa!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No man's pecuniary position has ever demanded or received more
+consideration than my own. Day and night my pecuniary position lashes my
+brain into the consistency of a whipped egg.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, be calm!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Kate, my pecuniary position interposes between me and grave public
+questions. My very spectacles are toned by it. It is in every blue-book,
+in every page of Hansard, in the preamble of every Bill.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, dear pa!
+
+Sir Julian Twombley.
+
+It sits with me in committees, accompanies me into the lobbies; it
+receives deputations, replies to questions in the House; it forms part
+of the deliberations of the Cabinet. It warps my political sympathies;
+it distorts my judgment; it obscures my eloquence, and it lames my
+logic! [Taking the letter from LADY TWOMBLEY.] And Mason--asks--me--to
+consider it!
+
+[Leans his head on his hands. She sits on the arm of his chair.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Tearfully.] Julian, you--mustn't--give way. Suppose the members of the
+Opposition saw you like this.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[With a groan.] Oh!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Think of those persons who sit--where is it?--on the hatchway--or below
+the gangway, or some uncomfortable place. How rejoiced they'd be!
+[Shaking him gently.] Have courage, Julian--perk up, pa dear.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I cannot go on, Kitty.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, don't say that!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mason's letter decides me.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+To do what!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yield to a sentiment which I have reason to believe exists on both sides
+of the House----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Resign?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Resign my place in the Ministry--ask for the Chiltern Hundreds----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Wind up my affairs in town----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, no!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+And seek peace in rural retirement.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You shan't, pa! Oh, my gracious, you wouldn't be so heartless!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Heartless!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Kneeling beside him.] Think of my blessed chicks--my babies. Don't go
+under, Julian, till we've given them the benefit of our magnificent
+position----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Our mag----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Wait till my Brooky--our Brooky--has won some handsome, wealthy girl who
+is worthy of him. Hold on till Imogen has made a marriage that will
+make every true mother's mouth water. Then I'll settle down with you
+alone, in a marsh. But don't sink into obscurity till the end of the
+year! I can do wonders by Christmas! Give me till then, pa--give me till
+then!
+
+[She throws her arms round his neck. IMOGEN's harp is heard again. MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE enters.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+The wretches! how they ignore me! [Seeing SIR JULIAN and LADY TWOMBLEY.]
+Ah!
+
+[Hiding herself behind a pillar she listens.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But--but--but if I desperately cling to public life a little longer I
+must have money.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Of course--of course you must have money. But, Julian, you must look to
+me for that.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You, Katherine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You must think only of your value to the country, and--leave the rest to
+your wife.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Kitty, you have made some little private hoard out of your allowance!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Sinking faintly onto the settee.] Well, pa.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+How prudent! How thoughtful!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Go--go to Dora. Make my excuses. I'll follow you when I've pulled myself
+together.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes, yes. [Turning.] By the way, Kitty, Hopwoods have just sent in their
+bill for erecting this conservatory.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Clinging to the back of the chair.] Oh!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You remember I transferred, at your request, seven thousand some odd
+pounds to your account at Scott's when we projected
+the--h'm!--pardonable little extravagance?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Y--yes.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hopwoods can wait till midsummer. Perhaps you wouldn't mind letting me
+have the use of the money in the meantime?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, certainly not.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+A cheque any day this week----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+All days are equally convenient.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Kitty, I _will_ hold on till Christmas!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you, pa--I---- [She turns to him suddenly.] Oh, pa, I haven't
+got--I haven't--I----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Haven't what, Kitty?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+N--nothing. Go--go to Dora. [He goes out.] Oh! where shall I turn for
+money? Where shall I turn? Where shall I turn--for money? [MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE advances and faces LADY TWOMBLEY.] Ah! Mrs. Gaylustre!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, Lady Twombley, I am in such distress!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Distress!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Producing LADY TWOMBLEY's letter to BROOKE.] I picked up a letter in
+the next room. I thought it was the note you wrote me about the
+plum-coloured _peignoir_ and that it had fallen from my pocket. I
+glanced at it. Oh, look! [She hands the letter to LADY TWOMBLEY.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Gracious!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But that is not the worst. It tells me that you are in trouble--you, the
+best friend I have in the world, my benefactress. Oh, what shall I do?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hold your tongue about it.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah! why did I read it through?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Because you were a little curious, I'm afraid.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I shan't sleep for it.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you, I can do all my own lying awake. Mind your own concerns for
+the future, Gaylustre.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+It _is_ my concern when I can help you.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+_You_ help me?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah, yes. Oh, let me, Lady Twombley! I don't ask to be confided in, I
+only ask to be allowed to bring my brother to see
+you--to-night--to-morrow.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your brother?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Mr. Lebanon--my Joseph. I would trust him as I'd trust myself. I have
+known him do such things in the way of raising money upon what he calls
+personal and other security----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+A money-lender?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Lady Twombley! Oh!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Does Mr. Lebanon help--people--in difficulties?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, doesn't he!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Will you see him, Lady Twombley?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't ask me. Perhaps.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+To-night?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Perhaps, I tell you.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+At what time? LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Half-past nine--sharp.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] Done!
+
+[SIR JULIAN enters with LADY MACPHAIL, MACPHAIL, and the DOWAGER. BROOKE
+follows with DRUMDURRIS, then after an interval LADY EUPHEMIA, EGIDIA,
+and IMOGEN appear.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY, reprovingly.] My dear, Lady Macphail and Sir Colin
+are going.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] You are neglecting them. What can be your motive?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY MACPHAIL.] I hope Sir Julian has explained----
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Certainly. But I must take my boy away. He dines at six to avoid late
+hours.
+
+[IMOGEN talks to MACPHAIL.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Quietly to LADY TWOMBLEY.] Look! they are talking.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Colin rises at five every morning.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dear me, how awful!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+He loves to watch the sunrise from the jagged summit of Ben-na-fechan.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+But there's no Ben-na-what-you-may-call-it here.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+No. But he sits upon the roof of our lodgings in Clarges Street.
+Good-bye, Lady Twombley.
+
+[They shake hands.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To MACPHAIL.] Good-bye. You must come and see me on one of my Tuesdays.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, with my mother.
+
+[He turns to IMOGEN; they shake hands.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Good-bye, Sir Colin.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] There again! look!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, here's Valentine! Valentine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Inquiringly.] Valentine?
+
+[BROOKE brings on VALENTINE.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[To BROOKE.] Let me go! I was trying to find my way out.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Here's Valentine, come back.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Valentine!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, my dear Val! My dear old Val!
+
+[She rushes to him impulsively and flings her arms round his neck, at
+which the DOWAGER gives a cry of horror, and there is a general movement
+of astonishment.]
+
+END OF THE FIRST ACT.
+
+
+
+
+THE SECOND ACT.
+
+DIFFICULTIES.
+
+
+The scene is a handsomely decorated and elegantly furnished morning-room
+at SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY's, with every evidence of luxury and refined
+taste. It is a July morning.
+
+SIR JULIAN is playing his flute. MR. MELTON, a good-looking,
+well-dressed young man, enters carrying a few sheets of paper.
+
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+Pardon me. [SIR JULIAN's flute gives a squeak.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, Melton?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+The arrangements for this morning are quite complete, Sir Julian.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+The arrangements?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+The arrangements for the opening of the new street.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, to be sure; I open the new street to-day. Why on earth shouldn't a
+new street be opened by a policeman during the night, quietly?
+
+[The DOWAGER LADY DRUMDURRIS, fashionably dressed for out-of-doors,
+enters.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[In a flutter.] Julian, good-morning. A glorious day for the ceremony,
+Mr. Melton. Is everything arranged?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+[Bowing.] Everything.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I have a motive for asking. I and my family accompany Sir Julian and
+Lady Twombley to lend weight and support.
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+[To SIR JULIAN.] You leave here at twelve, reaching the new street at
+half-past. You speak from the cluster of lamps by St. Jude's Church.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Your speech will be terse, elegant, and vigorous, I hope, Julian?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I hope so. Have you written it, Melton? [MELTON hands him the sheets of
+paper.] Thank you. The usual thing, I suppose?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+Quite, quite.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you. There's nothing like the usual thing. [Referring to the
+speech.] "By opening up these majestic avenues London takes beer----"
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+Air.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I beg your pardon. "----takes air into her system and keeps her place in
+the race with her sister cities." Excellent.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Who will throw the bottle?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No one, I hope.
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+You are thinking of the christening of a ship, Lady Drumdurris.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Pardon me.
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+I have to see Superintendent Snudden now as to the police arrangements.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dear me! You anticipate no pellets?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+Hardly.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's so unfortunate it isn't a wet day.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+An umbrella is such a safeguard.
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+I'll see that the carriage closes easily.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you. And Lady Twombley might take an extra sunshade.
+
+[MELTON goes out. The DOWAGER closes the door carefully after him.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Reading.] "I can conceive no position more agreeable to a Minister of
+the Crown than that which----"
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+You wonder why I am with you at this early hour. I need hardly say I
+have a motive.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I suppose so.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Knowing that you were not going down to Browning Street this morning,
+and that Lady Twombley and Imogen were to take Euphemia shopping in Bond
+Street, I grasped the chance of seeing you alone. Julian, what has
+happened to your wife?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+To Katherine?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+There is a shocking change.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Recently?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+It began two or three months ago. She's not the woman she was at the
+commencement of the season.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You alarm me. In what way?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Every way. Her appearance.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I haven't noticed it.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Being her husband, it is natural you should not. Her variable
+temperament! At one moment she looks as if she would like to bury
+everybody, me especially; the next she is laughing in a manner I must
+designate as positively provincial.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora, you quite distress me.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I came early for that purpose.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Perhaps you resent my interference.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, no.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+It would not deter me if you did. The grand motive of my life is a firm,
+undeviating, persistent policy of practical interference. I am a social
+warrior; the moment I scent domestic carnage I hurl myself into the
+_mêlée_ and plant my flag. Julian, my flag is planted in your household.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But I am aware of nothing disquieting to Katherine's peace of mind.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Don't tell me!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Two or three months ago there _was_ a little difficulty----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But it was mine, not Katherine's.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Yours?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Frankly, I was embarrassed for ready money.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Oh, dear!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But Katherine, who is really of an extremely thrifty nature, promptly
+placed her very considerable savings at my disposal, and the difficulty
+ceased.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+It never struck me your wife was thrifty.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Nor me till that moment. Which shows how liable the most careful
+observer is to error. [Resuming the study of his speech.] Pray excuse
+me.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] Um! [She goes up to the window.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Studying.] "I can conceive no position more agreeable to a Minister of
+the Crown----" I'll go upstairs, quietly. "----than that which I occupy
+upon this occasion."
+
+[He moves softly toward the door. The DOWAGER turns suddenly.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I don't like your wife's great friendship for Mrs. Gaylustre.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine finds her a bright companion.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Katherine has _my_ companionship. It's true I can't cut a sleeve like
+that lady.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+It is to be regretted that poor Mrs. Gaylustre is forced to follow the
+modern fashion of increasing her income by devices formerly practised
+only by the lower middle-classes.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+She sticks pins in her bosom as though she relished it.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But, after all, Dora, Madame Mauricette, of Plunkett Street, and Mrs.
+Gaylustre, widow of Lord Bulpitt's son, are two very distinct persons.
+Excuse me. [He continues studying his speech.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+But what was she _before_ her marriage?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You must really give me notice of that question--I beg your pardon--I
+don't know.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+This lady now walks into your house as if it were her own!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Your wife is positively canvassing for invitations for her! Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I shall be unprepared with my speech!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+My family comes before everything!
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Lord and Lady Drumdurris are inquiring for you, my lady.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Beg them to come here. [PROBYN retires.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, then, if you'll allow me----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+No, Julian. This is another family matter of terrible importance.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear Dora!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Keith and Egidia approach you at this early hour at my instigation. I
+have a painful motive.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, dear me!
+
+[EGIDIA enters, dressed in fashionable walking costume, her face pale
+and troubled.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+[Sadly.] Sir Julian.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear Egidia, there is nothing amiss, I hope?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah! Everything is amiss, Sir Julian.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian, the relations between my son and his wife have become terribly
+strained.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, no!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Indeed, yes!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I have done all in my power to relieve the horrible tension--if
+anything, I have made matters worse. My hope is now centred in you. Here
+is Keith.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah!
+
+[EGIDIA sits upon a settee staring before her. DRUMDURRIS enters,
+looking much worried.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ah, mother. [Grasping SIR JULIAN's hand with feeling.] Sir Julian.
+
+[He and his wife look severely at one another and draw themselves up.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear Keith, what can I do for you?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ha! Explain, mother.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian, my son and his wife have cordially agreed to refer their grave
+differences to your judgment.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Without binding ourselves to abide by Sir Julian's decision.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Naturally.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pray tell me the cause of dispute.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+The future of their child.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah, yes.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+The adjustment of the career he is to follow.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+That is precisely it.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] Where is Fergus?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+He accompanied us.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+He is with Angèle in the next room.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Calling at the door.] Angèle! Angèle!
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+[Outside.] Miladi?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Bring Lord Aberbrothock here.
+
+[ANGÈLE a French nurse, characteristically attired, enters, carrying a
+richly-dressed infant. DRUMDURRIS and EGIDIA look into its face
+together.]
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Figurez-vous, milord, qu'il a dormi pendant tout le trajet! et puis
+quand je suis descendue de voiture, il s'est réveillé en pleurant ... ah
+mais, en pleurant!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Give me Lord Aberbrothock. [She takes the child from Angèle.] Wait in
+the next room, Angèle.
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Yes, miladi. J'espère bien que Monsieur le Vicomte ne va plus crier, car
+ça pourrait faire de la peine à sa grand'maman. [ANGÈLE goes out.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Now, Julian, this is the point. You see Fergus. Politics or the Army?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Politics.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+The Army.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Pray speak, Julian.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Er--um--perhaps it would be rather precipitate----
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+I differ entirely. The child's intelligence must be directed into a
+particular channel from the beginning.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+In that I heartily concur. For instance, the question of toys is already
+most urgent.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+He is without playthings at present, so his mind is quite open.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+You appear to have no views, Julian.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Lady Drumdurris, let Sir Julian look at the height and character of
+Fergus's brow.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Pray do. It's a soldier's forehead.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian. [She hands the infant to SIR JULIAN.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you. Politics or the Army? [Addressing the child in his arms.] My
+dear Fergus, take my advice, not, _not_ politics.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+If you attach any trifling importance to veracity as a habit, _not_
+politics. If you would care at any time upon any subject to form your
+own opinions, and having formed them, would wish to maintain them, _not_
+politics. If you desire to be of the smallest service to your fellow
+man, and if you would sleep as peacefully at sixty as you now sleep at
+six months, _not_ politics.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Sir Julian!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+The Army!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Never!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+This is most distressing. [Calling at the open door.] Angèle! Angèle!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Heard outside.] Why, Dora!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters with IMOGEN and LADY EUPHEMIA in walking
+costumes.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How good of you to come early! [Kissing EGIDIA.] Egidia, dearest! [To
+DRUMDURRIS.] Good-morning, Keith. Ah! you've brought Fergus to see me!
+The angel!
+
+[With cries of delight LADY TWOMBLEY, IMOGEN, and LADY EUPHEMIA gather
+round SIR JULIAN and the baby.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The pet!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+The mite!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+He is _too_ sweet!
+
+THE THREE.
+
+Oh--h--h!
+
+[BROOKE enters.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Shaking hands with DRUMDURRIS.] Hallo, what's the matter?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[With dignity.] They are looking at my son.
+
+[ANGÈLE has entered. She takes the infant from SIR JULIAN.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+We've enjoyed a splendid hour in Bond Street--in and out of twenty
+shops, eh, girls?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Yes, Aunt Kate.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, mamma.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Bought all we could think of and ordered the rest.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then why don't they abolish Bond Street? It's the crucible of
+London--set your foot in it and everything about you that's metal
+dissolves.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Aunt has been _too_ extravagant this morning.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Extravagant! I! Oh, no--only I dearly wish there was no such plague as
+money. If the little words "thank you" were the one universal current
+coin, what anxieties, what cravings, what follies some poor women would
+be spared! Why can't we buy choice stuffs at three-and-a-half thank-yous
+a yard?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, Aunt Kate!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's nothing to laugh at. Ah, girls, if "thank you" paid for everything,
+being out of breath would be our only bankruptcy! Oh, my poor brain!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[To SIR JULIAN.] Mamma has a bad headache to-day, papa.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+A headache! never! Girls, what is it we bought and brought home with us?
+I forget.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+We didn't buy him, mamma--we met him. You mean Cousin Valentine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Looking round.] Of course--Valentine. Where is he? [Calling.]
+Valentine!
+
+[VALENTINE enters very plainly dressed.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. White! [Bowing stiffly.] How do you do?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, Val! What?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+We met the poor boy outside the tourists' ticket office in Piccadilly.
+He's off again to-morrow.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Off! Where to?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Egypt.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+We shan't see him again for another ten years, I suppose.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The odd creature has heard of a congenial tribe who reside in
+excavations cut in a rock. It'll end in my having a nephew who's a
+mummy.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Tearfully.] Oh, don't!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine, this child is not well.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, I am, papa--but I don't like--the idea--of parting--with anybody or
+anything--even a k-k-kitten.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Soothingly.] Imogen, my dear!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Be quiet, mamma!
+
+[The DOWAGER, LADY EUPHEMIA, EGIDIA, and ANGÈLE with the baby go out.
+IMOGEN runs after them. SIR JULIAN resumes the study of his speech. LADY
+TWOMBLEY opens some letters which are lying on the table.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To VALENTINE.] I never knew such a queer chap! Come upstairs and tell
+us all about it--what!
+
+[BROOKE, VALENTINE, and DRUMDURRIS go out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's all right, pa--it's nothing. [To herself.] Gaylustre! [Reading a
+letter.] "I will accompany you and dear Sir Julian to the interesting
+ceremony of this morning. Pray keep me a seat in your carriage."
+[Crushing the letter in her hand.] The demon! The relentless demon!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+"I can conceive no position more agreeable to a Minister of the
+Crown----"
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, dear, Mrs. Gaylustre will go with us to the opening of the new
+street.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+H'm! Katherine, are you sure that Mrs. Gaylustre is _quite_----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, quite.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+If I were you I should really think twice----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I can't.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Can't think twice?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I can't risk offending such a--dear friend.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But, Katherine----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Understand me, pa--she will sit in our carriage.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then understand _me_, Katherine, I will not have my knees cramped by a
+lady whose social status is equivocal.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! Julian! Don't attempt to come between me and Mrs. Gaylustre.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You will assist her into the carriage, you will help her to alight; when
+she arrives you will be charmed to see her, when she leaves you will be
+a mass of regret. You hear me!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+This is a most extraordinary friendship!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It _is_ an exceptional friendship. Pa, say you're delighted this great
+friend of mine is to be one of us to-day.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, to please you, my dear, of course, I----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I am delighted.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To himself.] I see--I see the change in my wife that Dora spoke of.
+
+[PROBYN enters with cards on a salver. At the same moment the DOWAGER
+enters and looks out of the window.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] They are punctual!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Looking at the cards.] Lady Macphail and Sir Colin. Not at home. If
+ever a woman was out I am.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To PROBYN.] Stop! [To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Kate, what are you doing? This
+visit is planned by me!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I have a motive.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, Dora!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To PROBYN.] Lady Twombley will see Sir Colin and Lady Macphail here.
+[PROBYN goes out.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! then, if you'll allow me----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+No, Julian. This is another family matter.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Another!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+These people have called to formally propose for the hand of Imogen.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+To propose!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Last night, at the ball of the Perth Highlanders, I danced the
+Strathspey and Reel with Sir Colin. In the excitement I wrung from him
+an admission of his affection.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, what shall we do?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Do? The head of the Clan Macphail! Eighty thousand acres! Julian?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To herself.] If it would provide for Imogen before the smash!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+If Imogen is a high-minded girl she will be mad with delight.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Will she? [To herself.] Ah! and will she learn to look down on pa and me
+when we're aged paupers?
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Sir Colin Macphail--Lady Macphail.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL enters, dressed simply and quaintly in an old-fashioned
+silk gown, followed closely by MACPHAIL, whose clothes are capacious and
+clumsy, and who seems very ill at ease. PROBYN withdraws.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Dear Lady Macphail--Sir Colin!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Shaking hands with LADY MACPHAIL and MACPHAIL.] How do you do? [Eyeing
+MACPHAIL.] Oh, dear!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Shaking hands.] Delighted.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To MACPHAIL.] Pray sit down. You must be fatigued with last night's
+dance.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+No Macphail is ever fatigued. But the poor lad feels like a caged eagle
+in the dress of the South.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I am sure it is--most becoming.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Sit, lad. [MACPHAIL sits, hitching up his trousers unhappily.] You know
+the object of our visit, Sir Julian?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lady Drumdurris has hinted----
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+The boy is here to pour out the passionate torrent of his love for your
+child Imogen. Speak, Colin.
+
+[MACPHAIL rouses himself, rises, and looks round.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Mother, you do it. [He resumes his seat.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ah, if we were at Castle Ballocheevin, with the wind roaring round Ben
+Muchty, and the sound of the pipers playing by the shores of
+Loch-na-Doich, then you would hear Colin's voice rise loud and high.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+As we are denied these obvious advantages, it is almost necessary to ask
+you to explain----
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+The lad has met your child on but three or four occasions.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Just three occasions and a bit, mother.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+But he loves her with a love that only a Macphail can experience.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Of course one would like to know precisely the kind of affection that
+is.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Naturally. Speak, Colin.
+
+[MACPHAIL rises, embarrassed.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I love her well enough.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Bravely said!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Delightful. [To SIR JULIAN and LADY MACPHAIL.] A grand nature.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Go on, Colin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That's all, mother. [He resumes his seat.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] You have heard the lad?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Distinctly.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+As we are all to meet next month as Lord Drumdurris's guests at
+Drumdurris Castle, it would be well if this engagement were settled at
+once.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Without delay.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+The question, of course, is whether Imogen--h'm!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Whether Imogen can return the affection----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Which Sir Colin honours her by entertaining.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Has the lad your permission to pour into her ear such impassioned words
+as he has just uttered to us?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I think there can be no objection to _that_.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Certainly not.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+When will your daughter grant him an hour for that purpose?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+An _hour_?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Three-quarters will be enough, mother.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Bravely said!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Charming!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+When, Julian?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+H'm! when?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+When? [IMOGEN's voice is heard outside.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Calling.] Mamma, dear!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+When? I suggest, now. Here is Imogen.
+
+[MACPHAIL rises hastily and awkwardly. IMOGEN enters.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, I didn't know you had visitors. [Shaking hands with SIR COLIN and
+LADY MACPHAIL.] Sir Colin--Lady Macphail.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Now, Julian, leave them together! Katherine!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen, my dear.
+
+[IMOGEN comes to SIR JULIAN. LADY TWOMBLEY, the DOWAGER, LADY MACPHAIL,
+and MACPHAIL talk together.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Talk to Sir Colin for a few moments while I look through my speech.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Certainly, papa. [SIR JULIAN goes out.] What an awful task! [Taking a
+book from the table.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Quietly to MACPHAIL.] Colin, let her hear how a Macphail can love.
+[Kissing him.] My boy! [To the DOWAGER and LADY TWOMBLEY.] I'll drive
+round to Lady Macwhirter's and return. Leave them! Ah, the pipers shall
+play to the home-coming of a bride at Castle Ballocheevin! [She goes
+out.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Come, Katherine. Think of it! To be the mother-in-law of the head of the
+Clan Macphail!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora, what's the use of a head with no tongue in it?
+
+[The DOWAGER and LADY TWOMBLEY go out. MACPHAIL looks round uneasily.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[To himself.] Where's mother?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[To herself.] Oh, why do they leave us! [To MACPHAIL.] Were you at the
+dance of the Perth Highlanders last night, Sir Colin?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, I was.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Did you dance much?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, I did.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[To herself.] He must make the next remark.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Nerving himself and rising suddenly.] Miss Twombley!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Sir Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I--I just wish you had been there.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Do you? Why?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Because--because--because I'm thinking there was room for more people.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, of course. [She goes to the window and looks out.] Lady Macphail is
+just driving away.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+No!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, there she goes.
+
+[MACPHAIL goes hastily to the window and looks out.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[To himself.] Oh! Mother!
+
+[He goes out quickly unnoticed by IMOGEN.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+She has turned the corner, Sir Colin. Did you see her? Why, where is he?
+
+[VALENTINE enters. She does not see him.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Good-bye, Imogen. [She turns to him.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Ah! [Falteringly.] Why will you go away, Val?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+You know my craze. Everything in this country is so stuck-up.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma's not--stuck-up, as you call it.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Her gowns frighten me. My first recollection of anything is Aunt Kitty
+in a print-skirt at a wash-tub.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Hush! don't, Val!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+There now! you're horrified!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+One doesn't wish everybody to know.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Then that's being stuck-up, Imogen.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Then we differ.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Of course. Everybody does differ from me in this stuck-up country. Wish
+me good-bye.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Looking away.] I presume my brother Brooke is stuck-up also?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Well, he appears to have fallen into the starch after that wash of Aunt
+Kitty's.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Indeed. And papa?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Oh, of course, he's ironed out by the House of Commons.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+How very rude! [Laying her hand on his arm.] And am I--altered, Val?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Altered! The change is heart-breaking!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, how cruel!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Altered! Where are the tiny tea-things with which you once played at
+making tea in your old school-room? Where is the hoop you used to
+trundle in Portman Square--the skipping-rope Brooke and I turned for you
+till our arms nearly dropped from our shoulders? Where are the marbles I
+gave you--the top I taught you to spin? I say, where are these things
+and the jolly little girl who delighted in them?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[With much dignity.] I think you're so violent that it isn't safe to
+speak to you. But I'll ask you one question.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Pray do.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Where is the good-tempered, curly-headed boy for whom I used to make the
+tea; the boy who taught me, very patiently, how to play the marbles and
+to spin the top?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+You see him.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, no. No, Val, no.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen! You don't mean, at any rate, that I'm stuck-up?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No, indeed, I think you're shockingly stuck-down. [He turns away,
+hanging his head. She comes to him.] There, now I've made you ashamed of
+yourself.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+No, you haven't!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Then I will do so. Remain here. I will return in a moment. Don't stir!
+[She runs out.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Shall I run away? Ah, if she only knew how ardently I wish that she had
+changed still more--how I wish that she had grown quite unlovable or I
+had forgotten how to love her! It's hopeless; I _will_ run away.
+
+[He opens the door and the DOWAGER peeps in.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+May I come in?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Eh? Oh, certainly.
+
+[The DOWAGER enters.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] What has become of them? [To VALENTINE.] Pardon me, have
+you seen my niece, Imogen?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+She has just left this room.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+With Sir Colin Macphail?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Oh, no.
+
+[A cab whistle is heard. VALENTINE looks out of the window.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] Where is he? I shan't sleep till I know it is settled.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Here's Sir Colin--hailing a cab.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah! Something must have happened! [She goes hastily towards the door;
+VALENTINE is in her way.] Let me pass, please! I have a motive!
+
+[She goes out as IMOGEN enters by another door carrying a large
+old-fashioned box.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Valentine.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Why, what have you there?
+
+Imogen.
+
+A modern young lady's jewel casket. Open it, please. [Kneeling, he opens
+the box.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Looking into the box.] Imogen! The tea-things! I recognize them!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You see, I've never parted with my playthings, Val.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Dragging out a large, faded, once gaudy doll.] And here's Rosa! I
+helped to cut out Rosa's mantle. Battered old Rosa!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Taking the doll from him.] Don't! Old she may be, but her sex should
+protect her from insult.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+And here are my marbles! and the top! Ah, ah! the skipping-rope!
+Imogen--perhaps--I--I've done you an injustice.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Do you think so?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I feared fashion had put your bright little nature into tight
+corsets--but--I see--I see----
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Replacing the toys in the box.] You see, Val.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I see you have some affection for the time when you were not Miss
+Twombley, but only--little Jenny.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Ah!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Not that these old dumb things prove much.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, Val!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+They prove their own existence--not the existence of little Jenny.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Crying.] How unjust you are!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Perhaps. But your words and actions are so unlike.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Wiping her eyes upon the doll's frock.] No, no.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I fancy we are children again when I hear you; but when I see your prim
+figure and stately walk I miss the little girl whose hair never
+submitted to a ribbon or a hairpin----
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh!
+
+[Impulsively she lets down her hair and disorders it wildly.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Not observing her.] I miss the little Jenny with a tumbled frock [She
+quickly disarranges her bow and sash.], the thoughtless romp who was
+generally minus one shoe!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Fiercely.] Valentine!
+
+[She takes off a shoe and flings it away.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Jenny!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Now! play! play marbles!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+What!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Play marbles!
+
+[They go down upon their knees, she deliberately arranges the marbles
+for the game, he staring at her blankly.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+My mark--play.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I beg your pardon, Jenny--I've been all wrong.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You have indeed, Val. Play. [He plays seriously.] Not within a mile of
+it.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+My eye is quite out.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+My turn.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+By Jupiter, you're still a crack at it!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Am I? Then which of us has changed--you or I? [She lays her hand on
+his.] Val, don't go away and live in a rock.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+What am I to do? I'm poor, Jenny, and I suppose I'm crazy.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Any sort of horrid life would suit you, wouldn't it?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I suppose it would.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Then ask Lord Drumdurris to make you a bailiff or a head gamekeeper at
+Drumdurris.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Not rough enough.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Why, you could get dreadfully dirty and wet through there every day.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+That's true.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+And, Val, we're all going up to Drumdurris next month.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Are you?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, and if you like, I--I'll bring the marbles.
+
+[BROOKE enters.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen! Oh, I say! what?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Do you ever play marbles now, Brooke?
+
+[DRUMDURRIS enters.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Marbles, no! Billiards.
+
+[VALENTINE collects the marbles, and puts them into the box.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] Keith! Oh, Keith, do me a favour!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Certainly.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Offer my poor cousin, Mr. White, some post in or about Drumdurris
+Castle.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+What kind of post?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Some wretched, inferior position in which he needn't be very polite.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+What will he say if I propose such a thing?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+He'll be extremely rude, I think. But, oh, I shall be so grateful,
+Keith.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen! Child, what has happened to your head?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I--I've been playing marbles, mamma.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Not on your head?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No, mamma, upon the floor.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+With Sir Colin?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Certainly not, mamma; I don't know Sir Colin nearly well enough to sit
+with him upon the floor. [Putting up her hair.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Darling, has Sir Colin made any remark of an interesting nature?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No--he stammered a little, and, while my back was turned, he ran away
+after his mammy.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To herself.] I knew it! Why didn't we lock him in till he had provided
+for my poor child's future?
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Mrs. Gaylustre is here, my lady.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, that person!
+
+[IMOGEN snatches up the box of playthings and hurries out. MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE enters. PROBYN retires.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To everybody.] How d'ye do? How d'ye do? Lord Drumdurris, charmed to
+see you. How are you, Brooke?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To himself.] Brooke! Impudence!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+You look bilious, Kate.
+
+[She kisses LADY TWOMBLEY, who sinks on to the settee.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] It's too bad of the Mater! Fancy a fellow making a chum
+of his tailor--what?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Mr. White, may I speak to you?
+
+[BROOKE, DRUMDURRIS, and VALENTINE go out.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Examining the flute.] Pa has been tootling again, Kate--we must buy him
+a drum.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah--h--h--h!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Hullo! What's the matter?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+As if you didn't know! Oh, those awful bits of paper!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Still worrying about those little Bills of yours which my brother Joseph
+holds, eh?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Those Bills! Why doesn't the ink fade that's on them, or the house burn
+that holds 'em?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Impossible. Joseph and I have been taught to believe that there is a
+special Providence watching over all Bills of Exchange. Come, don't
+fume--Bill Number One doesn't fall due till next month.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, Gaylustre, I shan't be able to meet it.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Shan't you? Well, I dare say Jo and I will renew--if you make much of us
+and pet us. Meanwhile, don't think of the Bills.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Think of 'em! I eat them--they're on every _ménu_; I drink them--they
+label the champagne. My pillows are stuffed with them, for I hear their
+rustle when I turn my restless head. Small as those strips of blue are,
+they paper every wall of my home!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I should drive out, then, as much as possible.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+When I do the sky is blue!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Carelessly taking up a newspaper.] At what time do we leave here?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Sir Julian and I start at twelve.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+See that I'm not squeezed up in the carriage. I don't play at sardines
+in this gown.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Talking of sardines, I shall lunch here to-day, _en famille_.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Gaylustre! you fiend! I--I can't stand it.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Don't quite see how you're going to get out of it.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's true I owe that brother of yours thousands.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Well, we _have_ kept your establishment going for some time.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+But I don't owe _you_ as much as a linen button!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo and I are one.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No! I'll never believe that a man--even a money-lender--would dance a
+set of devilish quadrilles on a lady when she's down, as you're doing.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ha, ha!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I saw your brother on that one fatal night. Common person that he is, he
+must have a heart under his vulgar waistcoat.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Be careful! Don't insult my Jo!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I compliment him! I will appeal to him to protect me from your claws,
+Gaylustre!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, you will, will you?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I will.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Very well then--do it! Kate Twombley, go to that door and call my
+brother Jo!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Do it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What--do you--mean?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Open that door and call Jo!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, no! [She opens the door and looks out.] You are only frightening me!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Call--Mr. Lebanon!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Outside.] Heah!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY utters a cry of horror as MR. JOSEPH LEBANON enters--a
+smartly dressed, unctuous, middle-aged person, of a most pronounced
+common Semitic type, with a bland manner and a contented smile.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, delighted to find myself in your elegant 'ouse. Most
+_recherché_.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How do you come here?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Fan brought me.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How dare she?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+'Ow dare she? H'm! Fan, I 'ope and trust not a coolness between you and
+Lady T.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY sinks into a chair.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+She was dying to see you--there's no pleasing her.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Dyin' to see me! Flattered--flattered. [He sits in close proximity to
+LADY TWOMBLEY.] Deah Lady T, you and I and nobody by, eh? Excuse my
+humour. 'Ow can I 'ave the honour of servin' you? Don't 'esitate, Lady
+T, don't 'esitate.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I only wanted--to beg you--to rid me of that viper.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+That's going a little too far!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+There _is_ a coolness--a triflin', temporary coolness. Fan, be
+reasonable--Lady T, be forgivin'. Kiss and be friends.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know that you've got me--what's the expression?--on something or
+another.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I 'ope "toast" is not the word you requiah, Lady Twombley?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, yes, on toast.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Lady T.! Lady T.!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know that if I can't meet those awful Bills you can drag my name into
+the papers, and set all London grinning for a month.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh! Oh, Fan, is that my way of doin' business?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+If you're a nice, honest man--as you look--you'll take her away, and
+never, either of you, show your ugl--show your faces here again.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Ah, Lady T., now we come to the aim and object of the mornin' call which
+I have the 'appiness of making on you. Fan, you haven't explained to
+Lady T. You really must cut in.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I shan't. Explain yourself.
+
+[LEBANON rises, replacing his chair.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+My dear Lady T., the long and the short of it is that Fan and I have
+considerable social ambition.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You too! Not _you_!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+And why not? Fanny, cut in!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Go on, Jo dear.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, it has been the desiah of Fan and self, ever since that
+period of our lives which I may describe as our checkered child'ood, to
+reach the top of the social tree.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hah!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, you'll pardon my remarking that you are a little trying.
+I say, Fan and I desiah to reach the top of the social tree, where the
+cocoanuts are. Excuse my humour. Fan's had a whirl or two in the circles
+of fashion.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+She! A hanger-on to the skirts of Society!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+And very good skirts too when she makes 'em.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo, drop that.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Excuse my humour, Fan. As for me, from those early boy'ood's days when I
+made temporary advances of ha'pence to my sister Fanny, promptly and
+without inquiry, I have devoted myself to finance.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Finance!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+But now, Lady T--to use a poetic figure--I am prepared to cut an eight
+on the frozen lake of gentility.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Man!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I ignore the innuendo. Lady Twombley, I am aware that for a successful
+_entrée_ into Society I requiah a--ha--a substantial guarantee. I 'ave,
+therefore, the honour and the 'appiness to put myself under your
+sheltering and I 'ope sympathetic wing.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You--you will drive me mad! You won't dare to call here, to contaminate
+my bell-handle, to send up your hideous name!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Fan, I really can't! This is descendin' to a mere wrangle. Pray cut
+in.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+No, Lady Twombley, as the Season is drawing to a close, Joseph certainly
+does not intend to attach himself to your London establishment.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Not for Joseph--excuse my humour.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But he and I do mean to take our flight from town with the rest of the
+swallows. [Pointing to a paragraph in the journal she still carries.]
+Look here, we saw this paragraph in the paper yesterday. Read it.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY knocks the paper to the ground.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Insolent!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo, pet--read it.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Fanny, this is really most trying. [Picking up the paper and reading.]
+"There are already signs of an exodus from town. Among the first of the
+notabilities to turn their faces northward are Sir Julian and Lady
+Twombley, who will spend the autumn at Drumdurris Castle as the guests
+of their nephew, Lord Drumdurris."
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What is this to you?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+What's that to us!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Fan, what's that to us! Lady Twombley, we entertain a not unreasonable
+desiah to spend _our_ autumn at Drumdurris Castle.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+In the kitchen?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Fan, I really can't! You must cut in again.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+As the guests of Lord Drumdurris.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Bill Number One falls due next month when you are at Drumdurris Castle!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+No, no! Fan, do _not_ mix up business with friendship. You know my rule.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Get us to Drumdurris and we renew!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Fanny, how plainly you put it! Don't!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never!
+
+[MR. MELTON enters.]
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+The carriages are here, Lady Twombley.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I--I'll come.
+
+[DRUMDURRIS enters talking to VALENTINE. IMOGEN, LADY EUPHEMIA, and
+BROOKE follow; then EGIDIA and ANGÈLE with the infant.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Introduce me!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Introduce him!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I will not!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley!
+
+[He produces his pocketbook, opens it, and gives her a glimpse of the
+Bills.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The Bills! Oh!
+
+[She makes a futile snatch at the pocketbook.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, introduce me!
+
+[SIR JULIAN enters, intent upon his speech, the MS. of which he carries
+in his hand.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To himself.] "I can conceive no position more agreeable to a Minister
+of the Crown----" [Seeing LEBANON.] Eh?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Whispering to LADY TWOMBLEY.] Now!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Julian, Lord Drumdurris, Brooke, let me introduce to you--Mr. Lebanon.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Triumphantly to herself.] Ah!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Triumphantly to himself.] Ah! [LEBANON grasps SIR JULIAN's hand
+warmly.] De-lighted to find myself in your elegant 'ouse. Most
+_recherché_. [Shaking hands with all the others.] You all know my sister
+Fan. Elegant 'ouse this. Most _recherché_.
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE runs to SIR JULIAN and taking a flower from her dress
+fastens it in his coat.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Outside.] Katherine!
+
+[The DOWAGER enters with her arm through MACPHAIL's, LADY MACPHAIL
+following.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I've found the truant. He had a motive.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Quietly to MRS. GAYLUSTRE.] Who's the Judy?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To LEBANON.] Old Lady Drum.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Ah! [Turning to the DOWAGER and seizing her hand.] De-lighted! 'Ope to
+have the pleashah of meetin' you up North.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Katherine!
+
+[There is a general expression of astonishment, and LADY TWOMBLEY sinks
+upon the settee.]
+
+
+END OF THE SECOND ACT.
+
+
+
+
+THE THIRD ACT.
+
+DISASTER.
+
+
+The scene is the inner hall at Drumdurris Castle, Perthshire, leading on
+one side to the outer hall, and on the other to the picture gallery. It
+is solidly and comfortably furnished, and a fire is burning in the grate
+of the large oaken fireplace. It is an afternoon in August.
+
+IMOGEN is sitting at the table reading over a letter she has written.
+
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+"Dear Mr. White." I shall never call him Valentine again, except in my
+thoughts. [Reading.] "Dear Mr. White, I am sorry to hear that you are
+discontented with your recent appointment to the
+Deputy-Assistant-Head-Gamekeepership on the Drumdurris estate, and that
+you consider it a sinecure fit only for a debilitated peer." Now for it.
+[Resuming.] "Permit me to take this opportunity of informing you that I
+have at length consented to an engagement between myself and Sir Colin
+Macphail of Ballocheevin." Oh, how awful it looks in ink! [Resuming.]
+"As it is becoming that I should support such a position with dignity I
+would prefer not encountering your dislike to 'stuck-up people' by ever
+seeing you again." Oh, Val. "I therefore suggest that you obtain a
+nastier appointment than that of Deputy-Assistant-Head-Gamekeeper at
+Drumdurris without delay." That will do--beautifully. [In tears.] Oh,
+Val, why have you never spoken? I know you are poor, but I would have
+gone away with you and lived cheerfully and economically in that rock if
+you had but asked me. Why, why have you never asked me?
+
+[She sits on a footstool looking into the fire. BROOKE, in shooting
+dress, strolls in with LADY EUPHEMIA. They do not see IMOGEN.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Coolly.] Well, then, Effie, I suppose I may regard our engagement as a
+fixture--what? I needn't say you'll find me an excellent husband.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Thanks, awfully. But perhaps you had better mention the subject to me
+again at some other time.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, I shall be rather busy for the next week or two.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, quite as you please. [Giving him her hand.] But you are really _too_
+impetuous.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Not at all. [About to kiss her.] You'll permit me, naturally?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Languidly turning her cheek toward him.] Of course. Be careful of my
+hair--it will not be dressed again before lunch.
+
+[He kisses her cheek cautiously. IMOGEN rises without seeing them.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[To BROOKE.] Somebody.
+
+[They stroll away in opposite directions.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+After all, as he has never been a lover, why shouldn't I see him and
+mention my engagement in a calm, cool, ladylike way? [Tearing up the
+letter passionately.] I must see him once more--in a calm, cool,
+ladylike way. I'll write just a line asking him to come to me this
+morning.
+
+[As she sits to write LADY EUPHEMIA and BROOKE stroll in again and meet
+each other.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[To BROOKE.] Good-morning.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY EUPHEMIA.] Good-morning.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Why, it's Imogen! Oh, let me congratulate you. [Kissing her.] The news
+is too delightful.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Thank you.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Accept my congratulations also. Splendid fellow, Macphail; not one of
+those men who talk the top of your head off.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Writing.] No, not quite. Brooke, dear, will you give Mr. White a little
+note from me?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Certainly. By the bye, while I think of it, you'll be glad to hear that
+Effie has honored me by consenting to--er--marry me--what!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Effie!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+How your mind does run on that subject, Brooke!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Throwing her arms round LADY EUPHEMIA'S neck.] What happy people, both
+of you!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+My hair!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Kissing BROOKE.] A thousand congratulations, my dear, clever, old
+brother!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+The bother with mamma will be too wearying.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Why a bother?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+About my pecuniary position, don't you know. You'll hardly credit it,
+but I haven't the least idea what pa intends to do for me.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+But it doesn't matter about that, so that you are deeply attached to
+each other.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, Imogen, that's _too_ ridiculous!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Quite absurd--what!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Besides, if you want money you can work.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, it's no good everybody working. It's this stupid all-round desire to
+work that throws so many men out of employment. I'll look for Valentine.
+[IMOGEN gives him her note.] He's sure to be about. We're going to shoot
+over Claigrossie Moor this morning. [He goes out.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+So you've made up your mind at last?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No; other people have made it up for me.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Mamma?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, Aunt Dora is the principal person who has rendered my life a burden
+to me.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+It's true. Every hour of the livelong day Aunt Dora has goaded me on to
+this desirable, detestable match; even at night she has stalked into my
+room with a lighted candle, startling me out of my beauty sleep, to tell
+me she will never rest till I am Lady Macphail.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Imogen, it's _too_ kind of mamma to take this interest in you.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Interest! It's torture. And at last she threatened that if I married
+anybody else she would expire in great pain and appear to me constantly,
+a ghost, in her night-gown. Well, you've seen Aunt Dora in her
+night-gown--you can guess my feelings.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+And that decided you.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I went to mamma and asked her advice.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+I guess what that was.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma's expression was that she'd give the heels off her best shoes to
+see me provided for. And so, late last night, while my maid Phipps was
+washing my head, I gasped out a soapy sort of yes.
+
+[The DOWAGER enters.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Where is Imogen?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Here, mamma.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Embracing IMOGEN.] My favorite niece! I have just learned your decision
+over the breakfast-table. I was eating cold grouse at the moment; I
+thought I should have choked.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I hope you are satisfied, aunt.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Thoroughly. I feel now that I shall die, a great many years hence, a
+contented woman. Effie.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Yes, mamma?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Don't think you're neglected, child. I cannot provide for everybody at
+once.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+No, mamma.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+But having completely settled Imogen, I shall commence the adjustment of
+your future after lunch.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL enters.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ah!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Dear Lady Macphail! What glorious news!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Rapturously, with her hand upraised.] Now let the worn banner of the
+Macphail be run up on the crumbling tower of Castle Ballocheevin!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Certainly--by all means.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Now let the roar of the pipes startle the eaglets on the summit of black
+Ben-Muchty!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I hope such arrangements will be made.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Let the shriek of the wild birds resound on the shores of Loch-na-Doich!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Bringing IMOGEN forward.] But you haven't seen Imogen yet.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Embracing her.] Child! Ah, when Colin learns your answer to his suit
+you shall listen to such words as none but a Macphail can utter to his
+betrothed.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Doesn't he know?
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Not yet. He went out early to watch the sun gild the gray peak of
+Ben-Auchter.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters, looking very troubled.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma. [LADY MACPHAIL, the DOWAGER, and LADY EUPHEMIA talk together.]
+Mamma, everybody has congratulated me. Have you nothing to say?
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY places her hand fondly on IMOGEN's head.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[In a sepulchral voice.] Did Phipps dry your head thoroughly last night?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, mamma.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then all's well, I suppose. [SIR JULIAN'S flute is heard. To herself.]
+The first Bill--the first Bill due next week.
+
+[She sits staring at the fire as SIR JULIAN enters, playing the flute.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Papa.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen, my dear, amidst severe official worries I must not omit to join
+in the general pæan of rejoicing.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Thank you, papa.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Sir Colin may lack that inexhaustible flow of anecdote with which I have
+often been credited.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+He may, papa.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But I confess I respect a man who will sit for hours without saying
+anything. I wish there were more like him in the House.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian, let the newspapers have the details of Imogen's engagement
+without delay.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, no, aunt! Not yet.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Imogen, if I may use such an expression--fall-lall! Suffice it, I have a
+motive.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+But why the papers?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+It is our duty to our friends. Do you think if anything serious happened
+to me, my friends wouldn't like to hear of it without delay? Julian!
+[SIR JULIAN writes.] Besides, it will be current talk at the dance
+to-morrow night.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+The dance! Aye! To-morrow night they shall see a Macphail lead the
+Strathspey with the girl who is to be his bride!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No, indeed they won't!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+What!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I can't make myself so supremely ridiculous.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ridiculous!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, Imogen!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Imogen!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear!
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL closes her eyes. SIR JULIAN and the DOWAGER take her
+hands.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY and DOWAGER.
+
+My dear Lady Macphail!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Here is Sir Colin!
+
+DOWAGER and SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+My boy!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Why, he is with Mrs. Gaylustre!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+That woman!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+That woman!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+That woman!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+That woman!
+
+[MACPHAIL enters with MRS. GAYLUSTRE, he in Highland dress, she wearing
+a showy costume of tweed tartan with a Scotch bonnet.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Colin, lad!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, mother?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Dear Sir Colin gave me his arm to the top of Ben-Auchter.
+
+DOWAGER and LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+To the top of Ben-Auchter!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[With an anxious glance at MRS. GAYLUSTRE.] Just to see the sun rise.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Quietly to SIR JULIAN.] Julian, that's scandalous!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+I thought you always witnessed the sun rise alone, Colin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+As a rule, mother.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] That woman has a motive.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Pointing to IMOGEN.] My son, look--here is Imogen.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[To IMOGEN.] Good-morning.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Colin, lad, don't you guess?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+No, mother.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Rapturously.] Now let the worn banner of the Macphail be run up on the
+crumbling tower of Castle Ballocheevin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Vacantly.] For what reason, mother?
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Now let the shriek of the wild birds sound on the shores of
+Loch-na-Doich!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Why?
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Embracing MACPHAIL.] Imogen is to be your bride.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Blankly.] Oh!
+
+[SIR JULIAN, the DOWAGER, and LADY EUPHEMIA congratulate him.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Most gratified!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I have a mother's yearnings toward you.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+We are _too_ rejoiced!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] They've hooked him!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Bringing MACPHAIL down.] Hush! Speak to her, Colin, lad. Let her hear
+how a Macphail greets the woman of his choice.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL joins SIR JULIAN, the DOWAGER, and LADY EUPHEMIA, while
+they all watch MACPHAIL as he approaches IMOGEN.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Listen!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[To IMOGEN.] Er--I'm very much obliged to ye.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Bravely spoken!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+A grand nature!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Thank you, Sir Colin. [She joins the others.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To MACPHAIL, seizing his hand.] May your life be very, very blissful!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Uneasily, withdrawing his hand.] Mother's looking. [He joins the rest.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] They've hooked my Scotch salmon; but they haven't landed
+him yet! [Intercepting LADY TWOMBLEY as she advances towards the group.]
+Kate!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Reptile!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I'm not at all satisfied with the way things are going on here.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Aren't you? I think things are beautifully smooth.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I'm pretty comfortable at Drumdurris myself, thank you; but I'm getting
+extremely anxious about Joseph.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+So am I.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I'm afraid Joseph isn't enjoying his little holiday at all. Did you
+observe him at dinner last night?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Who could help it? The man eats enough for six.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+He's obliged to, his holiday being so brief. But these fine folks treat
+him as contemptuously as if he were a snail in a cabbage.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then why does he talk with the leg of a grouse sticking out of the side
+of his mouth? Why does he drink people's health across the table and
+call the men-servants "old chaps?"
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Dear Jo! There's nothing classy about him.
+
+[DRUMDURRIS, in shooting dress, enters, carrying a light wooden box.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why does he swallow his knife and build pyramids with his bread; and
+tell long stories with no meaning at all or else with two?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Well, you must take Jo as Heaven made him. So you'd better make things
+smooth for him with Lord Drumdurris. If not----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+If not?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+If not, Jo might, after all, decline to renew.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+And then there would be the devil to pay, wouldn't there?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+As far as I can see there are two devils to pay already.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ha, ha! Here's Drumdurris. Remember.
+
+[After talking to the others, DRUMDURRIS approaches LADY TWOMBLEY,
+bowing stiffly to MRS. GAYLUSTRE, who shakes her fist behind his back,
+LADY TWOMBLEY gives a small nervous shriek.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[With her hand to her heart.] Spasms.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Smiling sweetly at DRUMDURRIS.] Delightful morning.
+
+[She takes up a newspaper. SIR JULIAN and LADY EUPHEMIA stroll out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] Keith, dear, I want to say a word to you about--dear
+Mr. Lebanon.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ah! Aunt!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Have patience, Keith!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Patience!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+When I begged you to entertain him at Drumdurris I didn't deceive you. I
+distinctly told you he was one of nature's noblemen.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+I would do much to please you, Aunt Kate, but this individual and his
+sister----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You must follow the democratic tendencies of the age, Keith. The peer
+must go hand in hand with the pig.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Yes, but let it be the companionable, clubable pig. Oh, I have just left
+him at the breakfast-table.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Is he making a tolerable breakfast this morning?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+He seems to be making every breakfast in Great Britain.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I see him at it.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+He consumes enough coffee to put a fire out.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes; and he swoops down on a cold bird like a vulture.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+It's hideous to see him hurl himself at an omelette.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know; and with eggs he's a conjurer. What's he engaged on now?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+When I left him he was an unrecognizable mass of marmalade. He must go!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't disregard the sacred laws of hospitality!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+I must. At another time I might endure him, but now when I am utterly
+crushed by my own agonizing trouble---- Hark!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What's the matter?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+My son.
+
+[ANGÈLE appears with the infant.]
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+[Mysteriously.] Is it alright, milord?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Hush! [To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Is Egidia there?
+
+[SIR JULIAN and LADY EUPHEMIA re-enter.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY joins SIR JULIAN and LADY EUPHEMIA.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[To ANGÈLE.] All right. [Fondly to the infant.] My soldier boy! [ANGÈLE
+advances to DRUMDURRIS. He produces a small toy gun and a little drum
+from a box he carries and hands them to ANGÈLE.] Don't let Lady
+Drumdurris discover these.
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+No.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Above all, let the drum be muffled.
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Yees, milord.
+
+[EGIDIA enters.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+I expect some small cannon by the evening post. Go.
+
+[EGIDIA comes between ANGÈLE and DRUMDURRIS, the DOWAGER following.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ah!
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Oh, miladi!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+I am right, then.
+
+[She takes the toys from ANGÈLE and points to the door. ANGÈLE withdraws
+with the infant.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Keith--Egidia! Don't disagree here!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] I was loth to credit you with such treachery.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Name some convenient hour to disagree this afternoon. I will willingly
+be present.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+I have long suspected this conspiracy to anticipate my son's mature
+judgment. Keith, there is a gulf between us which can never be bridged
+over.
+
+[EGIDIA joins the others.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Mother, my life is wasted.
+
+[VALENTINE, roughly dressed in cords and gaiters, enters, followed by
+BROOKE.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Are you ready, Lord Drumdurris?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+We are waiting, I presume, for Mr. Lebanon.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I'll go and stir him up. Ugh! What!
+
+[BROOKE goes out.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+You'll not join us, Sir Julian?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I daren't. Melton has arrived from town with a mass of papers for my
+signature. [Quietly to DRUMDURRIS.] The Rajputana Canal Question is
+wearing me out.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Whispering to IMOGEN.] I have your note. I'll return in a few minutes.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Outside.] Shootin', my dear sir! When I was in the South 'Ampstead
+Artillery I could have shown you what shootin' was.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+There's Jo. [She goes out to meet LEBANON.]
+
+ALL.
+
+[With various expressions of disgust.] Ugh! that man!
+
+[All gather into groups, as LEBANON, looking very ridiculous in Highland
+costume, enters, followed by BROOKE.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Slapping MACPHAIL on the back.] Mac, dear old boy, 'aven't seen you
+this morning. [MACPHAIL turns away distrustfully.] Lady Mac, I 'ear
+delightful whispers.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Sir?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+An approachin' 'appy event. We're like the doves--we're pairin' off,
+hey; we're pairin' off? [LADY MACPHAIL stares at him and turns away. He
+wipes his forehead anxiously.] It's a little difficult to keep up a long
+conversation with 'em. They're not what I should term Rattlers. [Eyeing
+EGIDIA.] The fair 'ostess. Ahem! We missed you at the breakfast-table,
+Lady Drum. Can't congratulate you on your peck--excuse my humour.
+
+[EGIDIA stares at him and joins LADY MACPHAIL.] [To himself.] They're a
+chatty lot; I must say they're a chatty lot. I wish Fanny would stick by
+me and cut in occasionally. There's Lady T. _She_ can't ride the 'igh
+'orse, at any rate. Lady T.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+You didn't honour me with my game of crib last night.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I--I had a headache.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Never 'ad a 'eadache in my life--don't know 'ow it's spelt.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's spelt with an H.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To LADY EUPHEMIA, offering her flowers from his coat.] Lady Effie, my
+floral offering.
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA catches up her skirts and sweeps past him.]
+
+[To himself.] Chatty, hey? Chatty? [He comes face to face with the
+DOWAGER, who glares at him.] Hah! H'm! [Offering her the flowers.]
+I--ah--had these picked for you, by Jove, I did. A present from Joseph.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+What, sir!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Replacing the flowers in his coat.] Excuse my humour. [Wiping his brow
+again.] Chatty! I do wish Fan would cut in and help me. [Slaps SIR
+JULIAN on the shoulder.] Twombley, old fellow.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Sir!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Not comin' out with us to-day, hey?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Gettin' past it, I suppose?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I am kept indoors by pressure of work, Mr. Lebanon.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, of course, the Rajputana Canal Question, hey? I'm a big shareholder
+in the Rajputana Railway, yer know. I say, tell me----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I cannot discuss official matters with you.
+
+[SIR JULIAN turns from him.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To himself as he sits down.] Chatty! Chatty! I know what this'll end
+in. It'll end in my standin' on my dignity. Where's Fanny? [Addressing
+the others.] Talkin' about shootin', I'll tell you an amusin' little
+story.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY and others sotto voce.] No, no!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+It's all about myself.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Whispering to the others.] Good-bye. We're off.
+
+[There is a general movement, the ladies and SIR JULIAN saying good-bye
+to the shooters, unnoticed by LEBANON, who has his back to them.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I was spendin' a day or two down in Essex with my old friend, Captain
+Bolter, South 'Ampstead Artillery. Dear old Tom--great favourite with
+the gals. Excuse my humour.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY, IMOGEN, LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART, SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, LADY
+MACPHAIL, and DOWAGER.
+
+[Quietly to the shooters.] Good-bye.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+It was wild-fowl Tom and I were after. We were lyin' in a ditch waitin'
+for the ducks to drift in with the tide. [As LEBANON continues his story
+all the others gradually and quietly disperse.] I counted fifty-seven
+birds through my glass. So said I to Tom, "Tom, I'm in dooced good form,
+my boy." "Devil you are!" said Tom. "And I lay you a pony to a penny
+that fifteen of those birds fall to my gun." "Done!" said Tom. [He is
+now alone in the room.] Well, to make a short story a long one--excuse
+my humour--Tom sneezed. Up I got. So did the ducks. And then what the
+dooce d'ye think 'appened? I say, what the dooce d'ye think----
+[Discovering that he is alone.] Well, I'm---- Chatty, ain't they?
+Chatty!
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE enters.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo! why aren't you with the shooters?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Why! They hooked it while I was tellin 'em the tale of Tom Bolter and
+the ducks.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Never mind, my pet.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+It's rude--that's what it is--it's dooced rude.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Come along, we'll walk on to the moor.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+What, are you going too, Fan?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Yes, dear. Your poor Fanny has a little bit of fun on.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Fan, if I only 'ad your confidence, your push. But the rudeness of
+these people is gettin' on my nerves.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Why, Joseph!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I feel a little 'urt, Fan--a little 'urt.
+
+[VALENTINE enters.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Hi! Where are they?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Just starting in the drag. Be quick.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To MRS. GAYLUSTRE.] Come on! They shall hear about Tom Bolter and the
+ducks before I've done with 'em. Come on!
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE and LEBANON hurry out.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Outside.] Hi! Hi!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+That fellow was born to hail an omnibus.
+
+[IMOGEN appears.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Not seeing VALENTINE.] Will he be long? [She encounters him.] Oh! You
+are not neglecting your duties, I hope, Valentine?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I shall follow the others in the cart. Your note was marked "urgent."
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Was it?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Showing her letter.] "Urgent."
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+What a thoughtless habit it is to mark all one's letters "urgent." All
+I wanted to say to you is this--but it isn't urgent.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+No, no--I understand that.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I merely had a foolish desire to be the first to acquaint you of
+my--undeserved happiness.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+What happiness don't you deserve?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+The happiness of becoming Lady Colin Macphail, Valentine.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Oh. Is that--all?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+That's all--just at present.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Hah! You'll be a fine lady now, past recovery.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I shall endeavour to adequately fill the station of life to which fate
+has called me.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+All that sweet simplicity of yours in London was purely an assumption, I
+suppose?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Things are--what they appear.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+But you have your heart's desire at last, I presume?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I--I presume I have.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Burying his head in his hands.] Oh!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+What are you going to do next?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Japan.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Nice part of Japan?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+The murderous districts.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh! Then you don't propose to--return alive?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Not according to my present arrangements.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You--you had better follow the shooters to Claigrossie now.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Certainly.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I am glad to have had this gossip over our prospects. We--we both seem
+to be doing well. Good-morning.
+
+[She offers her hand, which he takes ungraciously.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Good-morning.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You haven't congratulated me yet--in the usual way.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Will you be happy with--him?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I think--partially.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+But you're not going to partially marry Sir Colin. How dare you do this?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+He was the first to ask me, Val.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+The first to ask you! You don't mean to suggest that any other man would
+have done!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No--not _any_ other.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+_Some_ other?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+It's too late now--but yes.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+A poor man?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Val!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Would _I_ have stood the remotest chance?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+It's too late now.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Would I? Would I?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No. Nor any other nineteenth century savage.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Savage!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mr. White, it is very much too late now; but why, when you returned to
+England, didn't you wear uncomfortable clothes like other gentlemen, and
+a very high collar, and varnished boots, like other gentlemen?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Why? Because I cannot be false to my principles.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+People say that principles which deal too much with the outside of
+things are nothing but affectations.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+If a man has a good heart he should have a good hat.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen--Jenny! If I had ever come to you--in a good hat----
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+If you had, then when mamma urged me to marry perhaps she would not have
+blamed me for----
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+For what?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+For liking some pleasant-looking gentleman who laughed at harmless
+follies instead of scolding them.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+And now?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Now! Now--it is too late.
+
+[She falls into his arms; he embraces her.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Outside.] Hi, hi! Come here! hi!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Ah!
+
+[She breaks from VALENTINE and runs out, as LEBANON enters, very pale
+and upset.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Clinging to VALENTINE.] Old fellow!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+What's the matter with you?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Gurrrh! You--you're wanted!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Good gracious!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Something has happened, I'm afraid.
+
+[VALENTINE goes out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LEBANON.] You're ill!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I'm upset.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Too much breakfast!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+No. I--I've peppered Macphail.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Peppered him! Can't you take your mind off eating?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+You don't understand. I was in the wagonette, tellin' 'em the story of
+Tom Bolter and those beastly ducks. I got 'old of a beastly gun and just
+as I was demonstrating how I shot the fifteen beastly birds----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It went off!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Well! Don't make such a fuss about it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! and it was pointed at Sir Colin!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Pointed at him! No! His legs were stuck right in the way.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Heavens!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Be quiet! Make light of it--make light of it, like I do!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Now, now I hope you're content!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+No, I'm not. I wouldn't have had this 'appen for 'alf a sovereign. This
+'Ighland 'oliday of mine is gettin' on my nerves.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your nerves!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Yes, Lady T. Imagine what it must mean to a shy man to spend a
+rollickin' August with a lot of people whose chief occupation is
+staring at the tips of their own aquiline noses.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Hysterically.] Ha, ha, ha!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Imagine what it must be to a shy man to find himself always leading the
+conversation, instead of following it with a sparkling comment or two,
+as I'm in the 'abit of doin' in my own circle. Think of me starting
+every topic and arguing on it till my throat's sore; making every joke
+and roaring at it till I get blood to the head. Sometimes when I'm in
+the middle of a long story and not a soul listening I feel so lonely
+I--I could almost cry.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then out of your own sufferings why can't you find some compassion for
+mine?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+It's pathetic--that's what my position is--it's dooced pathetic.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+In mercy's name why don't you retire quietly to your room and pack?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+What! Throw up the sponge?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You needn't throw up your sponge--_pack_ your sponge.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I understand, Lady T--hook it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+"Hook it" is a harsh way of putting it. Bring your visit to a close.
+Think of what you are losing here! Think of Margate, where I feel you
+must have many dear friends!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I--I've half a mind to.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ha! Bless you, Mr. Lebanon, bless you! I'll fetch you a Bradshaw.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Stop! I forgot the hop.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The hop?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+There's a ball here to-morrow night.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+For heaven's sake, don't wait for the hop.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I had half-a-dozen lessons in the Scotch Reel before I left town.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+And you would risk the Reel on half-a-dozen lessons! Madman!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Half-a-dozen lessons at store prices. Dash it all, you wouldn't 'ave me
+waste 'em!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hopeless!
+
+[SIR JULIAN enters unobserved by Lebanon or LADY TWOMBLEY.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Look 'ere, Lady T! I'm sorry to disappoint a lady, but it ain't Mr.
+Joseph Lebanon's principle to do something for nothing.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No. If you lent a lady your arm you'd do it at interest.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I'm not alludin' to our pleasant financial relationship, Lady T. What I
+infer is that if after the forthcoming hop I drag myself away from my
+sorrowin' friends at Drumdurris I expect a--ah--a solatium. [SIR JULIAN
+remains watching and listening.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+A what?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady T, my pride has been wounded in this 'ouse--my self-respect has
+been 'urt.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ha, ha, ha! Pardon me, I'm hysterical.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+If you could 'eal my feelings by rendering me a service----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+To be rid of you?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Lady T, 'ow plainly you put it! Well, yes.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Try me. [SIR JULIAN disappears suddenly.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+'Ush! Thought I 'eard somebody. Lady T, you are aware that Mr. Joseph
+Lebanon's position in the financial world is an eminent one.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I wasn't aware of it.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Take it from me, Lady T, take it from me. But that distinguished
+position might be advanced by the success of some delicate little
+financial operations which I'm on the brink of, Lady Twombley, on the
+brink of. Lady T, if I could know twenty-four hours in advance of the
+prying newspapers the decision of the Government on the Rajputana Canal
+Question it would go far to 'eal the wound my self-respect has received
+in this _recherché_ 'Ighland 'ome. You follow me, Lady T?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I suppose you mean that when the decision of the Government is known in
+the City something or other will go up and something or other will go
+down on the Stock Exchange? Is that it?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+That's it, Lady T, that's it! And some fellers will make fortunes! Oh,
+Lady T!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+But why do you bother a poor woman with a headache----
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Because without the gentle guidance of tender-hearted woman I can't find
+out whether the Government is going to grant the concession for the
+cutting of the Rajputana Canal. Oh, Lady Twombley, let me 'ave five
+minutes alone with Sir Julian's papers in Sir Julian's room.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Two minutes! A stroll round. I'll go in with a duster and tidy up.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Or give me a glimpse of some of the documents Mr. Melton brought with
+him in that box yesterday.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I want some fresh air!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Wait! If you'll do this for me I'll clear out of Drumdurris with Fanny
+on Thursday morning.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, no!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+And I'll hand you back your acceptances--every-one of 'em--I will--on my
+word of honour as a gentleman!
+
+[She seizes him by the throat and shakes him violently.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How dare you! How dare you tempt me!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Arranging his hair and moustache with his pocket comb and mirror.] Oh,
+ladies are trying in business--they are dooced trying.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You--you wretch! Do you think I haven't endured enough for the past
+three months without this? Oh, pa, what will you say to your Kitty when
+you know the disgrace she's brought on you! Oh, my chicks, my chicks, my
+blessed chicks!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, my pride has been wounded, my self-respect has been 'urt
+in this _recherché_ 'Ighland 'ome for, I 'ope, the last time. I shall
+retire from the hop early to-morrow night and hook it--bring my visit to
+a close--on Thursday morning.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Next week the first bit of paper bearin' the honoured name of woman
+falls doo.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I repeat the word, d-u-e, doo.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Our interview has been a distressin' one, Lady Twombley. It is over.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon! Mr. Lebanon! [He turns his chair from her. To herself.]
+It's all up with me. I--I'll go and find pa, and tell him. There's no
+help for it--I'll tell him. Mr. Lebanon! For the last time--have
+compassion on a poor fool of a woman! [He turns away.] Oh! I'll go to
+pa's room and--tell him. [She goes out.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+That's one way to the old gentleman's room. [He opens the door and
+listens.] Ah! what's the latest quotation for lovely woman's weakness?
+
+[VALENTINE enters with MRS. GAYLUSTRE and MACPHAIL, who looks very
+scared, has a handkerchief bound round his knee, and leans on MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE'S arm. She supports him to a chair.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To SIR COLIN.] Lean on your poor broken-hearted friend.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To himself.] Oh, the dooce!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I'll find Lady Macphail. [He goes out.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Whispering to LEBANON.] Get out of sight!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Quietly to her.] Can't. I must wait here--I've got an important little
+affair on.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+So have I. Leave us!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, my goodness, how selfish you are, Fanny!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Selfish! you'll ruin my prospects in life! Brute!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Vixen!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Bah!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Bah!
+
+[LEBANON goes out. MRS. GAYLUSTRE throws herself on her knees beside
+MACPHAIL.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+How do you feel now?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Well, its tingling.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Tingling! You bear it like a hero.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I appreciate the compliment, but I'm thinking I'm only a bit singed.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah, but why, why do you indulge in these reckless sports?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I was merely sitting in the drag looking at the sky.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Sitting in the drag looking at the sky! How foolhardy!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Whereupon your brother, without a word of warning, blazed away at my
+knee.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah, don't describe it! Suppose you had had your head on your knee!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Outside.] Take me to Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+My mother!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] Drat your mother.
+
+[She stands with her handkerchief to her eyes. LADY MACPHAIL enters with
+EGIDIA, the DOWAGER, LADY EUPHEMIA, and VALENTINE.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Sir Colin!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Sitting at writing-table.] I'll telegraph to Sir George McHarness, the
+surgeon.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Now let the wail of the lament waken the echoes of black Ben-Muchty!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Rising from the chair.] It's not at all necessary, mother.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+He can stand!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Writing.] "Bring--chloroform--and knives."
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ah, Colin, lad, why did we ever quit the gray shores of Loch-na-Doich?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I'll go upstairs and bathe my knee, mother.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL leads him.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+He can walk!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Madam, a Macphail can always walk under any circumstances.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Reading the telegram she has written.] "If--in--doubt--amputate."
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL, MACPHAIL, VALENTINE, LADY EUPHEMIA, EGIDIA, and the
+DOWAGER go out.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Weeping till the others are out of sight.] Joseph will die of remorse!
+[Calling.] The coast is clear, Joseph. Jo!
+
+[As she goes out LADY TWOMBLEY enters in great agitation, clutching an
+important-looking document.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Kitty, what have you done! Kitty, what have you done!
+
+[LEBANON enters.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady T! Thought so! [Seeing the paper.] Oh my goodness, what has she got
+there?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I must--I must find Julian! Oh!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Snatching the paper from her.] Excuse me!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! give me back that paper!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady T, oh, Lady T!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Following him round the table.] Give me back that paper! Dear, sweet
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Reading the paper.] Ha!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! don't read it!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+My friend Sir Julian's own writing! The Rajputana Canal is a blessed
+fact! Lady Twombley, I forget my wounded pride, I forgive the blow to my
+self-respect. You have won a place in Jo Lebanon's heart.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Give me back that paper and forget it!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Returning the paper.] Give it you back? Delighted. Forget it? Oh, Lady
+T, Lady T.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Devil!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, Joseph Lebanon is, above all things, a man of honour.
+[Handing Bills to LADY TWOMBLEY.] Lovely woman's Acceptances.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I won't take them. I won't buy them back at such a price.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Natural delicacy. [Laying the Bills on the table.] You can pick 'em up
+when I'm gone.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, what a wicked woman I am!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I can get out of these beastly clothes, drive to Strachlachan Junction,
+and wire to town before feedin' time. The city is on the eve of a
+financial earthquake! Joseph's name will be a 'ouse'old word from Mile
+End to Kensington! Lady Twombley, we meet at the hop to-morrow night for
+the last time--in Society. [Boisterously.] Whoop! Dash Society! [He
+performs a few steps of a Highland dance.] Excuse my humour. [He goes
+out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The Bills! The Bills! They mustn't lie there.
+
+[As she goes to the table SIR JULIAN, looking very white and
+dishevelled, enters, and, standing opposite to her, takes up the Bills
+and presents them to her.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lady Twombley!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, my gracious!
+
+[She drops on her hands and knees at SIR JULIAN'S feet.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You've found me out, pa! You've found me out!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I have found you out.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How did you manage it?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+By degrading myself to the position of an eavesdropper.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+That's pretty mean, pa--ain't it?
+
+[Seeing that he is examining the Bills she puts up her hands and seizes
+them.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! Don't tot 'em up! Don't tot 'em up!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine, when I first saw you, three-and-twenty years ago, you were
+standing over a tub in the tiled yard of your father's farm wringing
+out your little sister's pinafores.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Weeping.] Oh-h-h!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Could I have looked forward I should have known that you would one day
+wring my feelings as you do now.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, I've fallen into the hands of the unscrupulous.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Woman!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, don't call me that, pa!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+The unscrupulous! You have lost the right to ever again use that
+serviceable word.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What do you mean?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+How do you come by those Bills?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Julian, you know! [Going toward him on her knees frantically.] Ah, don't
+stare like that! [Putting her arms round him.] Husband! Dear husband,
+you are glaring like an idiot! Listen! [She shakes him violently.]
+Listen! When that reptile tempted me I ran upstairs intending to tell
+you all. I did. Oh, pa, don't stare at nothing! I knocked at your door;
+there was a drumming in my ears, and I fancied your voice answered me
+telling me to enter. Oh, try winking, pa, try winking! Your room was
+empty--left unguarded, the door unlocked. I entered. Wink, pa; for
+mercy's sake, wink! I sank into a chair to wait for your coming, [Taking
+the written paper from her pocket.] and there, on your table, right
+before my eyes, I saw this thing like a white ghost.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+A memorandum in my writing that the concession for the Rajputana Canal
+is to be granted.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes, yes. I tried to forget it was there. But the chairs and tables
+seemed to dance before me and every object in the room had a voice
+crying out, "Kitty, you silly woman, get back your Bills from that demon
+who is plaguing you!" I put my fingers in my ears and then the voices
+were shut up in my brain, and still they shrieked, "Kitty, get back your
+Bills! Get back your Bills!" I snatched up this paper and ran from the
+room. Even then if I had met you, Julian, I should have been safe; but
+whenever Old Nick wants to play the deuce with a married lady he begins
+by taking her husband for a stroll, and so I fell into Lebanon's
+clutches--and I--I--I'm done for! [She sinks into a chair.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine, those Bills must be returned to the creature, Lebanon.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes. And--and--pa, dear, you'll never speak kindly to me after this,
+will you?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I trust I shall be invariably polite to you, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh-h-h! We shall be whitewashed in the Bankruptcy Court eventually, I
+suppose?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+All in good time, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+And then--what then?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then we must hope for a cottage, and a small garden where we can grow
+our own vegetables and learn wisdom.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Our--own--vegetables. And years hence, pa, sometimes when I am sitting
+over my knitting, you'll forget the past, and play your flute again, and
+be happy?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine! [He takes his flute from his pocket and breaks it into pieces
+across his knee.] Never, never again, Katherine. [As he is leaving her.]
+One pang of remorse I can spare you, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You believe you have betrayed a solemn secret of the Government to that
+unprincipled money-lender.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Of course.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+That you have _not_ done.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, Katherine. Overhearing his shameful proposition, and fearing your
+weakness, I had time to hasten to my room, conceal all important papers,
+and scribble the memorandum you abstracted.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, then----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+That writing records the exact reverse of the truth.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+And--and Joseph?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+In the language of the vulgar--Mr. Lebanon is sold. [He goes out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Julian! Ah! [Staring at the paper.] The exact reverse of the truth! Then
+the Rajputana Canal----Julian, why should you be first blackened and
+then whitewashed because of your vagabond wife? A cottage--our our own
+vegetables! Never! Why shouldn't _I_ have _my_ delicate little financial
+operations in the City? Oh, my gracious!
+
+[DRUMDURRIS and BROOKE enter.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hullo, Mater--what!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Brooke! Keith! You boys must drive me over to Strachlachan Junction. I
+must telegraph to London backwards and forwards all day. Keith, put me
+into communication with your Stockbroker in town!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Silence! I'm on the brink of some delicate little financial operations!
+[To BROOKE.] Get out the cart!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+The drag's outside.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Come on!
+
+[LEBANON enters hastily.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Hi, Drumdurris! Let me 'ave a carriage to go to Strachlachan Junction. I
+want to wire to town.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Do you? So do we. We'll give you a lift. Come on! [They all hurry out.]
+
+
+END OF THE THIRD ACT.
+
+
+
+
+THE FOURTH ACT.
+
+DANCING.
+
+
+The scene is still the inner hall of Drumdurris Castle, now brilliantly
+lighted and florally decorated, the evening after the events of the
+previous act.
+
+Waltz-music is heard, then a slight scream, and LEBANON, in full
+Highland costume, enters hastily.
+
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I wouldn't 'ave 'ad it 'appen for 'alf a sovereign.
+
+[THE MUNKITTRICK, a fiery old gentleman in Highland dress, enters.]
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Sir, I am most indignant!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I've explained. I felt myself goin' and I caught at what came nearest.
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+My daughter came nearest.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I know. Don't make such a fuss about it! Do remember we're at a ball!
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Miss Munkittrick is torn to ribbons.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+All right. Make light of it--make light of it, like I do.
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Ah-h-h!
+
+[DRUMDURRIS, in Highland dress, enters with MISS MUNKITTRICK, who is
+much discomposed, and EGIDIA, who is soothing her.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[To MUNKITTRICK.] My dear sir!
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Papa!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Oh, Flora, Flora!
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Lord Drumdurris!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Let it blow over. We're all forgettin' we're at a ball.
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Miss Munkittrick has been rolled upon the floor.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+She was passin' at the time--I didn't select her. Don't be so conceited!
+
+[LEBANON continues to explain. MUNKITTRICK is indignant; DRUMDURRIS
+endeavors to soothe him. BROOKE enters carrying a satin shoe, which he
+presents to MISS MUNKITTRICK.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Awfully sorry--what? [BROOKE hurries out.]
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Where is papa?
+
+[IMOGEN enters, carrying an aigrette.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, Miss Munkittrick, what a shocking mishap!
+
+[They fasten the aigrette in MISS MUNKITTRICK'S hair.]
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Have you seen my papa?
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA, carrying a sash, hurries in as IMOGEN goes off. MISS
+MUNKITTRICK rises; LADY EUPHEMIA and EGIDIA adjust the sash hastily.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Adjusting the sash.] My dear Flora, this is _too_ unfortunate!
+
+[BROOKE re-enters with another shoe.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+The other--what! [To LADY EUPHEMIA.] There are some more pieces--come
+and help.
+
+[BROOKE and LADY EUPHEMIA hurry out.]
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+I want my papa! [Seeing MUNKITTRICK.] Ah!
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+[Giving her his arm.] Flora, we'll go home.
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Papa, I'm not nearly _all_.
+
+[Her aigrette is very much on one side, her sash is trailing, and she
+limps away carrying one slipper.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Pray don't think of going!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Let it blow over!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+My dear sir!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, very well, you're losing the best of the ball.
+
+[THE MUNKITTRICK and MISS MUNKITTRICK go out, followed by EGIDIA and
+DRUMDURRIS. IMOGEN, LADY EUPHEMIA, and BROOKE enter hastily, each
+carrying a fragment of MISS MUNKITTRICK's dress.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Taking the remnants.] Allow me--allow me--my affair.
+
+[IMOGEN, LADY EUPHEMIA, and BROOKE go out. LEBANON crams the pieces of
+MISS MUNKITTRICK'S dress under a chair cushion.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Let it blow over. Where's my partner?
+
+[He goes out. MACPHAIL enters with MRS. GAYLUSTRE upon his arm.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Staying out is infinitely preferable to dancing, is it not, dear Sir
+Colin?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye. I hate dancing.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But your dear mother says you resemble some beautiful wild thing when
+you dance the Strathspey.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That's because I hate it; the Strathspey's enough to make a lad wild.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Witty boy!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, do you think I'm naturally quick?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Quick?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Quick in my understanding?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I'm sure of it.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, I'm glad you think I'm quick.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Why?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Because Ballocheevin--that's our place, you understand--Ballocheevin is
+enough to soften a lad's brain.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Then why hide your light at Ballocheevin?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Well, the Macphails have lived there since eleven hundred and two.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+How romantic!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+So mother's just got out of the way of moving.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Charming attachment to an old home.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, it's old. It hasn't been papered and done up since Robert Bruce
+stayed with us.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Robert Bruce!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye--just from a Saturday till Monday, I'm thinking.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+There must be a legend attached to every stone of Ballocheevin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, it's interesting--but it requires papering. I am so tired of
+Ballocheevin.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But you love the rugged country, the vast overwhelming hills, and the
+placid lochs?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Mother's been telling you that.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Isn't it true?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, I am just weary of my native scenery.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But what about the misty chasms of Ben-Muchty?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That's an awfully damp place. That's where I caught my bad cold.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+And the gray shore of Loch-na-Doich? Your mother says you adore it.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, I am sick of Loch-na-Doich.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+And your feet don't ache to press the heather?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+It's when they're _on_ the heather my feet ache. It's poor walking,
+heather.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Then you don't watch the sun rise from the jagged summit of
+Ben-na-fechan?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Cunningly.] Eh, but I do though, every day when I'm at home.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But why?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+To get away from mother.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Poor boy!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Reflectively.] I've been thinking----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Yes?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That you'd better let go my arm now.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Sir Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I've no personal objection, you understand; but mother's always looking
+for me.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+How thoughtless I am! [He walks away.] Sir Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Your mother is driving you to contract this marriage with Miss Twombley.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Well, mother's just making the arrangements.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Your great heart hasn't gone out to her! Unhappiness must ensue! Your
+bright career will be dimmed!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Will be _what?_
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Dimmed. What did you think I said? Oh, Sir Colin, don't carry this
+unsuitable bride to Ballocheevin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Well, it's a serious step; but I've been thinking it would be another in
+the house.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+You don't want another in the house. You need a strong, self-reliant
+wife who will take you out of the house.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+A woman, loving but firm, tender but enterprising, who will bear you
+from your dilapidated home and plunge you into the vortex of some great
+city. [Suddenly.] Have you ever been to Paris?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+No.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I know every inch of it!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Madam!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, what have I said! Sir Colin, you have guessed my secret!
+
+[MACPHAIL produces his ball-programme from his stocking and refers to
+it.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I'm engaged to Miss Kilbouie for this waltz, if you'll excuse me.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Holding out her hand to him.] Colin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I'm thinking mother will be wondering----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] Drat your moth---- [To MACPHAIL.] Never mind dear Lady
+Macphail for a moment. Colin, since you have discovered my love for you
+I will make no further reservation----
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+But mother----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Under her breath.] Drat your---- [To MACPHAIL.] Colin, I will be to you
+the wife you have described.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I'm extremely obliged to ye--but----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Hush, bold boy! [She gives him a card.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+You know my cruel brother takes me back to town to-morrow. Here is my
+address so that you may write to me constantly, devotedly.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Reading the card.] "Mauricette & Cie., Court Dressmakers----"
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Snatching the card from him.] That's a wrong 'un--I mean, that's a
+mistake. [Giving another.] There. Hide it away, dear one--nearest your
+heart.
+
+[He slips it into his stocking.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Oh!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+And now, as I start in the morning at nine-forty-five, sharp, on the
+tick, we must say farewell. Oh, this parting is too cruel. Colin!
+
+[She falls against him.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Here's my mother! [He throws her off.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Under her breath.] Drat your mother!
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL enters.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Madam. [To MACPHAIL.] Why do you leave the ball-room, my lad?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I've been just watching the moonlight on Loch Auchentoshan.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+I am proud to see this devotion to Loch Auchentoshan, but to-night you
+have other duties almost equally important. After this paltry waltz we
+lose ourselves in the wild pleasures of our native dance.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+The Strathspey? [He takes MRS. GAYLUSTRE'S card from his stocking.] Oh!
+[Hides it and produces his ball-programme from his other stocking.] The
+Strathspey.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Come, lad. They have yet to see the Macphail lead the Strathspey with
+his betrothed.
+
+[They go out together.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Yes, and they shall ultimately see the Macphail writing love-letters to
+Fanny--love-letters with a promise of marriage in 'em. I'll consult a
+solicitor directly I reach town and be ready to marry or to sue him. Oh,
+Fanny, Fanny, ungrateful girl, what a lot you have to be thankful for!
+
+[She runs out and ANGÈLE peeps in.]
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Milord! Miladi! [She enters.] I must find miladi! Miladi!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No news from Reeves & Shuckleback, the Stockbrokers. The waiting for it
+will finish me!
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Oh, Miladi Twombley.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Turning to her sharply.] Ah!
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Tell me, vere is milord?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What! Has a messenger come from Strachlachan with a telegram for Lord
+Drumdurris? Speak?
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+I do not know.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+But, oh, miladi, I 'ave been a vicked girl!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I dare say you have--that's your business.
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Miladi, ze leetle Lord Aberbrothock is indispose.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The baby?
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Yees. To please milord, and contrary to miladi's ordares, I put Lord
+Aberbrothock to bed wiz his gun.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know--I'm a mother--the child has swallowed the paint!
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Ah, yees!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Send a groom to Strachlachan for Dr. M'Gubbie.
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Yees, miladi.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Angèle!
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Miladi?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Tell the man to inquire at Strachlachan for telegrams for the Castle.
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Yees, miladi. [ANGÈLE runs out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, for a telegram from Reeves & Shuckleback! My diamonds, my double row
+of pearls for a telegram from Reeves & Shuckleback!
+
+[EGIDIA enters with ANGÈLE, followed by DRUMDURRIS.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Lady Twombley!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Has Keith had a telegram?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+A telegram--no. My son is ill!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I know--he has nibbled his gun.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+His gun!
+
+ANGÈLE.
+
+Yees, miladi.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah! The Army! [To DRUMDURRIS.] So you have gained your own ends after
+all, Keith, and my boy has fallen.
+
+[EGIDIA goes out, followed by ANGÈLE. DRUMDURRIS sinks into a chair.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Keith.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Don't speak to me, please, aunt.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I must. Reeves & Shuckleback are strangely silent.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Let them remain so--I care not.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You don't care! Surely you are anxious to know whether you have been
+instrumental in saving me from--from growing my own vegetables?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Growing your own----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Surely you want to know whether you have made me a wealthy woman or have
+ruined yourself in the effort?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ruined myself!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Keith, dear, I am afraid I haven't done what is strictly regular, but
+when you put me into communication with your Stockbrokers I carried on
+my delicate little financial operations with them in your name.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt Kate!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Keith, you're annoyed!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+May I ask what delicate little financial operations?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I've speculated on the strength of my private knowledge of the decision
+of the Government on the Rajputana Canal Question--I mean _you_ have
+speculated.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt Twombley, how dare you do such a thing?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How dare I! Boy--for you are little more--boy, you wouldn't have a
+Cabinet Minister's wife take advantage of her confidential acquaintance
+with her husband's official affairs to advance her own interests! Oh,
+Keith!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+But you've done it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, I haven't. Don't be so dull, _you've_ done it.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+And if your delicate little financial operations----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+If they come off, you have made what you men call a pile, Keith. All
+through your blundering aunty you will have made a pile.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Which I hand over to you, Aunt Kate?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I shall borrow it, Keith, dear--may I?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+And if--pardon the question--if your delicate little financial
+operations----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't come off?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Certainly; if they don't come off, what then?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then through your reckless speculation you will have impoverished your
+estate for the rest of your life!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt!
+
+[EGIDIA enters.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Keith!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Tell me.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Fergus has taken a turn for the better.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Egidia, how can I look you in the face?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Cannot we read a lesson from this dreadful occurrence?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+To reconcile our views?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Finally. You see now how unfitted our son is to a soldier's life.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Yes, I have been wrong. Happily it is not too late to remould his
+character. We must return to the ball-room.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+First come with me and peep into the nursery.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+By all means--the nursery.
+
+TOGETHER.
+
+The nursery.
+
+[They go out as the DOWAGER enters.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Katherine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I am beside myself! Have you heard the news?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+News? Telegrams for Keith?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I know nothing about telegrams. I've just overheard Julian talking
+solemnly to Brooke. Do you know what your husband intends to do?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Grow his own vegetables.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Bother his vegetables! He resigns his place in the Ministry.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The same thing. [To herself.] Ah, why can't he wait!
+
+[SIR JULIAN enters with BROOKE.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine, I have been telling Brooke of the change in his prospects.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I say, Mater, such a blow--what!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, why can't you wait?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Wait--for what, Katherine?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Wait till the boy can patch up his future with a wealthy wife, of
+course.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Really, Dora, I don't think it would be absolutely fair----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Fair! People's actions are like their heads of hair--they can be dyed
+flaxen. [To BROOKE.] Boy, why do you let the grass grow under your
+pumps in this way?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I haven't let the grass grow, Aunt Dora. I--ah--I have the happiness to
+be engaged--what!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Engaged!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Bless my soul!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+In mercy's name, to whom?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+To Effie.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY and SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Euphemia!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Euphemia! Why, how dare you conspire to entrap a child of mine into a
+moneyless marriage?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear Dora, you yourself suggested----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+If I may be guilty of such an expression--fall-lall!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+But, aunt----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Hold your tongue, sir! Ah, I believe you all have abominable motives!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To herself.] The telegram! The telegram! Why is there no telegram?
+
+[The music of the Strathspey is heard. IMOGEN enters with LADY
+EUPHEMIA.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Euphemia!
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA joins the others. IMOGEN goes to LADY TWOMBLEY in
+agitation.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma! The Strathspey!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What of it?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I'm engaged to dance it with Sir Colin. Oh, mamma, I don't love him!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Child, you loved him the other night while your head was being washed.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I didn't see clearly then--the egg-julep was in my eyes. But now Lady
+Macphail is running after me, from one room to another, because she
+declares I must fulfil the destiny of a Macphail's betrothed and lead
+the Strathspey by his side. But I won't dance a deception before a room
+full of people!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen, there is nothing for you but this marriage or contemptible,
+cleanly poverty.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Poverty!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Child, you are young to be told these things--but what do you think is
+likely to happen to pa and me?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma, keep nothing from me.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+In all probability we shall grow our own vegetables.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh! What for?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+_For_ dinner. And, oh, Imogen, have pity on your mother! I can face
+contemptible, cleanly poverty with pa alone, but if I see my innocent
+chicks sharing our miseries every cabbage in our garden will grow up
+with a broken heart!
+
+[She embraces IMOGEN. LADY MACPHAIL enters with MACPHAIL.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Miss Twombley, Lord Drumdurris's guests are politely waiting till you
+are pleased to lead the Strathspey with the Macphail.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Miss Twombley.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Quietly to LADY TWOMBLEY.] Mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To herself.] No telegram from town. [To IMOGEN.] Imogen, you had better
+not lose your dance.
+
+[With a slight courtesy to MACPHAIL, IMOGEN gives him her arm as
+VALENTINE enters, trimmed, shaven, and in immaculate evening dress.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, Val!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Mr. White!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Leaving MACPHAIL.] Valentine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Valentine White!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen, am I too late?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Too late?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+For the honor of dancing with you to-night?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You--you are in time, Valentine.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+For which dance?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+This dance.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Mother!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+The child's mad!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Stop the Strathspey! Stop the Strathspey!
+
+[She hurries out, followed by MACPHAIL.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. White, really you shouldn't, you know.
+
+[The music ceases.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Sir Julian, Lady Twombley, with your permission I shall go no further to
+avoid the shams of life. I have found one cool resting-place in this
+world where there is reality and sincerity. [With IMOGEN'S hands in
+his.] And I have found it in an advanced state of civilization.
+
+[The DOWAGER pulls IMOGEN away.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I positively must beg----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To IMOGEN.] Child, at this moment I feel grateful that I am your aunt,
+with all an aunt's privileges. [She shakes her.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Seizing IMOGEN.] My chick, your mother has privileges also. Bless you
+and Valentine. [Kissing her.] There! Dora, if you shake my girl again
+I--I'll slap you!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah! Julian!
+
+[DRUMDURRIS appears with a telegram.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What's that?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+From Reeves & Shuckleback!
+
+[She snatches the telegram from him.]
+
+EVERYBODY.
+
+What's the matter?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Julian, look at your wife! Brooke, Imogen, come to your mother! No more
+worries by day and bad dreams at night! No poverty--no cottage--no--no
+vegetables! I--I am a rich woman!
+
+[She falls back fainting into SIR JULIAN'S arms as they all surround
+her. At the same moment LEBANON rushes in with MRS. GAYLUSTRE. He has a
+telegram in his hand; his aspect is wild, his face white.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley! Where is she? Lady Twombley!
+
+[As LADY TWOMBLEY is assisted to a chair LEBANON falls into another.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Joseph!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Ah!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Be quiet! Lady Twombley is ill!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ill! Look at Joseph! My only brother!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Keith, explain this telegram or my brain will give way.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+No, no--tell me. My brain is stronger than Sir Julian's.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[To SIR JULIAN and the DOWAGER apart.] Mother--Sir Julian----
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I want a word or two with my friend, Lady T.
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE arranges his chair so that he faces LADY TWOMBLEY. She
+and LEBANON stare at each other.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady T.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hullo?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I've 'ad a wire.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+So have I.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+From Moss & Emanuel, my brokers.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mine is from Reeves & Shuckleback.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, I see--_your_ brokers. You've done me, Lady T.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't mention it.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+You're a knowing one.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I'm sure I'm very gratified to hear you say so.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+The Bills! Give me the Bills you swindled me out of!
+
+[He advances violently, but MRS. GAYLUSTRE holds him back. LADY TWOMBLEY
+hands the Bills to SIR JULIAN.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon, the Bills, sir. [Giving them.]
+
+[LEBANON snaps his fingers demonstratively in SIR JULIAN'S face.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Drum., thank you for your _recherché_ hospitality. Carriage to the
+station in the morning, if you please. [Kissing his hands.] Ladies----
+[Breaking down.] Oh, Fanny, take me to bed!
+
+[He goes out. MRS. GAYLUSTRE is about to follow, when LADY MACPHAIL
+enters with MACPHAIL.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Madam! My boy--my poor lad--has told me of your behaviour.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+My behaviour! He loves me!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I thought I'd just better mention the affair to mother.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Of course; conceal nothing from your parent.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+And mother agrees with me----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Yes?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That it would be just a risky matter to correspond with a widow lady.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Producing MRS. GAYLUSTRE's card from his stocking.] So I'm thinking I
+sha'n't require this address.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah! [She slaps his face violently and runs out.]
+
+EVERYBODY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Mother!
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL embraces him. The music of the Strathspey is heard
+again.]
+
+[EGIDIA enters.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+The Strathspey. Come into the ball-room. What has happened?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I can't enter the ball-room again to-night!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+But you must dance the Strathspey.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Must I? Dance then! [They take their places for the dance.] Pa!
+Valentine, Imogen! Brooke, Effie! Keith, Egidia! Lady Macphail, Sir
+Colin! Dance! Dance with foolish, thoughtless, weak-headed Kitty
+Twombley for the last time, for to-morrow she becomes a sober, wise,
+happy, and contented woman! Dance!
+
+[They dance the Strathspey and Reel--SIR JULIAN with LADY TWOMBLEY,
+DRUMDURRIS with EGIDIA, BROOKE with LADY EUPHEMIA, VALENTINE with
+IMOGEN, LADY MACPHAIL with MACPHAIL. The DOWAGER sits apart gloomily.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY while dancing.] You've been indiscreet again, Kitty.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Finally, Julian, finally!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No more extravagance?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never! Never!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+And you resign yourself to a peaceful, rural life?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Promise me--promise me!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ha, ha! Dance, pa, dance!
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+=A Selection=
+
+FROM
+
+_MR. WM. HEINEMANN'S LIST_
+
+January 1892.
+
+=The Crown Copyright Series.=
+
+_The changed conditions of publishing in the English-speaking countries,
+brought about by the American Copyright Legislation of 1891, have made
+it possible--without doing injustice to the authors--to issue new and
+original works of fiction in a form immediately accessible to the large
+class of readers who are unwilling to be permanently and entirely
+beholden to the Circulating Libraries. Mr. Heinemann has therefore made
+arrangements with a number of the first and most popular authors of
+to-day,_
+
+    _ENGLISH, AMERICAN, AND COLONIAL,_
+
+_which will enable him to issue new and original works of theirs in a
+Series to be known as the CROWN COPYRIGHT SERIES at a uniform price of
+FIVE SHILLINGS per volume._
+
+_These novels will not pass through an expensive two or three volume
+edition, but they will be obtainable at the Circulating Libraries as
+well as at all Booksellers and Bookstalls._
+
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+Piper's Hill," &c.
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+INCONSEQUENT LIVES. A Village Chronicle, Shewing how certain Folk set
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+PEARCE, Author of "Esther Pentreath," &c.
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+A QUESTION OF TASTE. By MAARTEN MAARTENS, Author of "The Sin of Joost
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+UNCLE PIPER OF PIPER'S HILL. By "TASMA," Author of "The Penance of
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+A MARKED MAN. Some Episodes in his Life. By ADA CAMBRIDGE.
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+     _Pall Mall_.--"Contains one of the best written stories of a
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+IN THE VALLEY. By HAROLD FREDERIC. Illustrated.
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+THE THREE MISS KINGS. By ADA CAMBRIDGE.
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+THE WORKS OF HEINRICH HEINE. Translated by CHARLES G. LELAND, F.R.L.S.,
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+.right    {position: absolute; right:15%; text-align:left;}
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+.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
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+  </head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cabinet Minister, by Arthur Pinero
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Cabinet Minister
+       A farce in four acts
+
+Author: Arthur Pinero
+
+Release Date: October 1, 2010 [EBook #33957]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CABINET MINISTER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by K Nordquist, Branko Collin, Louise Pattison
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images
+generously made available by The Internet Archive/Canadian
+Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<p class="center">
+<a href="#INTRODUCTORY_NOTE">INTRODUCTORY NOTE</a><br />
+<a href="#THE_CABINET_MINISTER">THE CABINET MINISTER</a><br />
+<a href="#ADVERTISEMENTS">ADVERTISEMENTS</a><br />
+<a href="#TNOTE">TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE</a><br />
+</p>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/cover.jpg" height="654" width="400" title="Cover"
+alt="The Cabinet Minister
+[Decorative Illustration]
+Arthur W. Pinero" />
+</div>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h1><i>THE CABINET MINISTER</i></h1>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><i>THE PLAYS OF ARTHUR W. PINERO.</i></h2>
+
+<p class="center">IN MONTHLY VOLUMES.</p>
+
+<p class="center">Price <i>1s. 6d.</i>, paper; <i>2s. 6d.</i>, cloth.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot">
+<p class="hang">1. <i><span class="u">The Times.</span> A Comedy in Four Acts.</i></p>
+
+<p class="hang">2. <i><span class="u">The Profligate.</span> A Play in Four Acts.
+With a Portrait, and a Preface by Malcolm
+C. Salaman.</i></p>
+
+<p class="hang">3. <i><span class="u">The Cabinet Minister.</span> A Farce in Four
+Acts. With an Introductory Note by Malcolm
+C. Salaman.</i></p>
+
+<p class="hang">4. <i><span class="u">The Hobby Horse.</span> <span class="right2">[Ready February.</span></i></p>
+
+<p><i>To be followed by "Lady Bountiful," "Dandy
+Dick," "The Magistrate," "The Schoolmistress," "The
+Weaker Sex," "Lords and Commons," "The Squire,"
+and "Sweet Lavender."</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<h1>THE CABINET MINISTER<br /></h1>
+<p class="center"><big>A FARCE<br /><br />
+In Four Acts<br /><br />
+By ARTHUR W. PINERO<br /><br /></big>
+LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN<br /><br />
+MDCCCXCII<br /></p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Copyright, January 1892.</span></p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>All rights reserved.</i></p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Entered at Stationers&rsquo; Hall.</i></p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Entered at the Library of Congress, Washington, U.S.A.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="INTRODUCTORY_NOTE" id="INTRODUCTORY_NOTE"></a>INTRODUCTORY NOTE</h2>
+
+<p>It is well known that Mr. Pinero holds decided views of
+his own as to the nature and function of farce; indeed,
+he claims for it a wider scope and a more comprehensive
+purpose than have ever been associated with farce of the
+old Adelphi type, or the more modern genus of the
+Palais Royal. He has openly expressed his opinion that
+farce must gradually become the modern equivalent of
+comedy, since the present being an age of sentiment
+rather than of manners, the comic playwright must of
+necessity seek his humour in the exaggeration of sentiment.
+Thus Mr. Pinero holds that farce should treat of
+probable people placed in possible circumstances, but
+regarded from a point of view which exaggerates their
+sentiments and magnifies their foibles. In this light it
+is permitted to this class of play, not only to deal with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</a></span>
+ridiculous incongruities of incident and character, but to
+satirise society, and to wring laughter from those possible
+distresses of life which might trace their origin to fallacies
+of feeling and extravagances of motive.</p>
+
+<p>"The Cabinet Minister" is the latest of Mr. Pinero&rsquo;s
+series of farces, and it may be regarded as the direct
+development of ideas which he began to put into practice
+when he wrote "The Magistrate." Since then these
+ideas have undergone a process of gradual evolution,
+which may be clearly traced through the successive
+productions of "The Schoolmistress," "Dandy Dick,"
+and "The Cabinet Minister," in each of which it will
+be seen that the author has aimed less at the exposition
+of a plot than at the satirising of particular types of
+character in a possible social atmosphere.</p>
+
+<p>"The Cabinet Minister" was written early in 1889, and
+produced by Mrs. John Wood and Mr. Arthur Chudleigh
+at the Court Theatre, on April 23, 1890.</p>
+
+<p>The following is a copy of the <span class="nowrap">Programme:&mdash;</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot">
+<p class="center"><big>ROYAL COURT THEATRE.</big></p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Under the Management of Mrs. John Wood.</span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p class="center">ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23rd,</p>
+
+<p class="center">At 8 o&rsquo;clock,</p>
+
+<p class="center">WILL BE ACTED FOR THE FIRST TIME</p>
+
+<p class="center">AN ORIGINAL FARCE IN FOUR ACTS, CALLED</p>
+
+<p class="center"><big>THE CABINET MINISTER,</big></p>
+
+<p class="center"><small>BY</small></p>
+
+<p class="center">A. W. PINERO.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<table summary="Dramatis Personae">
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Earl of Drumdurris</span> (in the <span class="smcap">Guards</span>)</td><td style="width:40%;">Mr. <span class="smcap">Richard Saunders</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Viscount  Aberbrothock</span> (his Son)</td><td>&nbsp; &nbsp; *&nbsp; &nbsp; *&nbsp; &nbsp; *&nbsp; &nbsp; *</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Right Hon. Sir Julian Twombley</span>, G.C.M.G., M.P. (Secretary of State for the <span class="nowrap">&mdash;&mdash;</span> Department)</td><td>Mr. <span class="smcap">Arthur Cecil</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Brooke Twombley</span> (his Son)</td><td>Mr. <span class="smcap">E. Allan Aynesworth</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Macphail of Ballocheevin</span></td><td>Mr. <span class="smcap">Brandon Thomas</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Mr. Joseph Lebanon</span></td><td>Mr. <span class="smcap">Weedon Grossmith</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Valentine White</span> (Lady Twombley&rsquo;s Nephew)</td><td>Mr. <span class="smcap">Herbert Waring</span>.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[Pg viii]</a></span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Mr. Mitford</span><a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a> (Sir Julian&rsquo;s Private Secretary)</td><td>Mr. <span class="smcap">Frank Farren</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">The Munkittrick</span></td><td>Mr. <span class="smcap">John Clulow</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Probyn</span> (A Servant)</td><td>Mr. <span class="smcap">Ernest Paton</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td colspan="2"><hr style="width: 25%; margin-top:0.5em; margin-bottom:0.5em;" /></td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Dowager Countess of Drumdurris</span></td><td>Miss <span class="smcap">R. G. Le Thière</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia Vibart</span> (her Daughter)</td><td>Miss <span class="smcap">Isabel Ellissen</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Countess of Drumdurris</span></td><td>Miss <span class="smcap">Eva Moore</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span></td><td>Mrs. <span class="smcap">John Wood</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Imogen</span> (her Daughter)</td><td>Miss <span class="smcap">Florence Tanner</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span></td><td>Mrs. <span class="smcap">Edmund Phelps</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Hon. Mrs. Gaylustre</span> (a Young Widow trading as Mauricette et Cie., 17<span class="smcap">a</span>, Plunkett Street, Mayfair) </td><td>Miss <span class="smcap">Rosina Filippi</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Angèle</span></td><td>Miss <span class="smcap">Marianne Caldwell</span>.</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span class="smcap">Miss Munkittrick</span>                                  </td><td>Miss <span class="smcap">Florence Harrington</span>.</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+<p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1">
+<span class="label">[A]</span></a> <i>Subsequently changed to </i><span class="smcap">Melton</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p class="center">ACT I.</p>
+
+<p class="center">DEBT.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>At </i>Sir <span class="smcap">Julian Twombley&rsquo;s</span><i>, Chesterfield Gardens. May.</i></p>
+<hr style="width: 35%;" />
+
+<p class="center">ACT II.</p>
+
+<p class="center">DIFFICULTIES.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>At</i> Sir <span class="smcap">Julian&rsquo;s</span><i> again. July.</i></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 35%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_ix" id="Page_ix">[Pg ix]</a></span></p>
+<p class="center">ACT III.</p>
+
+<p class="center">DISASTER.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>At Drumdurris Castle, Perthshire. August.</i></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 35%;" />
+<p class="center">ACT IV.</p>
+
+<p class="center">DANCING.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>The same place. The next day.</i></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+<p class="center">THE SCENERY IS DESIGNED AND PAINTED BY T. W. HALL.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<p>The reception on the first night was of a half-hearted
+character, for the play had been described simply as a
+farce, and the audience found itself laughing at seemingly
+serious situations which it felt should properly provoke
+tears, feeling sympathetically interested in passages of
+sentiment one moment, only to mock at them the next,
+and, in fact, experiencing constant perplexity as to its
+emotional duties. The programme certainly said &ldquo;farce&rdquo;
+in black and white, and what could that mean but unmitigated
+nonsense and laughter? Yet, here was actual drama
+with a whimsical twist that was most surprising; here
+were bits of pathos which were positively comic. Could<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_x" id="Page_x">[Pg x]</a></span>
+this be farce? But happily that kind of criticism is soon
+forgotten whose principle is, like that of <i>Mr. Punch's</i>
+navvy, &ldquo;Here&rsquo;s a stranger, let&rsquo;s &rsquo;eave &rsquo;alf a brick at
+him.&rdquo; The &ldquo;mixed&rdquo; greeting of &ldquo;The Cabinet Minister&rdquo;
+gave place to very enthusiastic receptions on succeeding
+nights, and, in spite of the perplexity confessed in many
+of the criticisms of the play, the theatre was crowded
+night after night, and the fashionable and political worlds
+flocked to the Court, many leading politicians being
+frequent visitors.</p>
+
+<p>The season terminated on August 8, and the theatre
+re-opened on October 11, from which time the popularity
+of Mr. Pinero&rsquo;s play continued as great as ever. But,
+after 197 performances, Mrs. John Wood decided to
+withdraw &ldquo;The Cabinet Minister&rdquo; on February 14, 1891,
+in the very zenith of its success, while a further long run
+was still to be reasonably expected. This play has not yet
+been seen in the provinces, but Mr. Augustin Daly has
+arranged to produce it, with his famous company, at his
+theatre in New York early in the present month.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;<span class="smcap right">Malcolm C. Salaman.</span><br />
+<br />
+<i>January 1892.</i><br />
+</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="THE_CABINET_MINISTER" id="THE_CABINET_MINISTER"></a>
+<i>THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY</i></h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Right Hon. Sir Julian Twombley</span>, G.C.M.G., M.P., <i>Secretary of State for the * * * Department</i></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Brooke Twombley</span>, <i>their son</i></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Imogen</span>, <i>their daughter</i></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Dowager Countess of Drumdurris</span></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia Vibart</span>, <i>her daughter</i></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Earl of Drumdurris</span></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess of Drumdurris</span></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Viscount Aberbrothock</span>, <i>their son</i></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Macphail of Ballocheevin</span>, <i>her son</i></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Valentine White</span>, <i>Lady Twombley&rsquo;s nephew</i></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Hon. Mrs. Gaylustre</span>, <i>trading as Mauricette et Cie., 17a Plunkett Street, Mayfair</i></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Joseph Lebanon</span></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Melton</span></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">The Munkittrick</span></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Munkittrick</span></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Probyn</span></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Angèle</span><br /></p>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+
+<p class="center"><big>
+<a href="#THE_FIRST_ACT"><i>THE FIRST ACT</i></a><br />
+<br />
+DEBT<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<a href="#THE_SECOND_ACT"><i>THE SECOND ACT</i></a><br />
+<br />
+DIFFICULTIES<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<a href="#THE_THIRD_ACT"><i>THE THIRD ACT</i></a><br />
+<br />
+DISASTER<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<a href="#THE_FOURTH_ACT"><i>THE FOURTH ACT</i></a><br />
+<br />
+DANCING<br /></big>
+</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+
+<h1>THE CABINET MINISTER</h1>
+
+<h2><a name="THE_FIRST_ACT" id="THE_FIRST_ACT"></a>THE FIRST ACT.</h2>
+
+<p class="spkr"><big>Debt</big></p>
+
+<p><i>The scene is a conservatory built and decorated in
+Moorish style, in the house of the</i> <span class="smcap">Rt. Hon. Sir
+Julian Twombley, M.P.</span>, <i>Chesterfield Gardens,
+London. A fountain is playing, and tall palms
+lend their simple elegance to the elaborate Algerian
+magnificence of the place. The drawing-rooms
+are just beyond the curtained entrances. It is a
+May afternoon.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Brooke Twombley</span><i>, a good-looking but insipid young
+man of about two-and-twenty, faultlessly dressed
+for the afternoon, enters, and sits dejectedly, turning
+over some papers.</i></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;ve done it. Such an afternoon&rsquo;s work&mdash;what!&nbsp; [<i>Reading.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;Schedule of the Debts of Mr. Brooke
+Twombley.&nbsp; [<i>Turning over sheet after sheet.</i>]&nbsp; Tradesmen.
+Betting Transactions. Baccarat. Miscellaneous
+Amusements. Sundries. Extras.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Probyn</span>, <i>a servant in powder and livery, is crossing
+the conservatory, when he sees</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>.]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Mr. Brooke.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Slipping the schedule into his pocket.</i>] Eh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>I didn&rsquo;t know you were in, sir. Her ladyship told
+me to give you this, Mr. Brooke&mdash;quietly.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He hands</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>a letter which he has taken
+from his pocket.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Glancing at the envelope.</i>]&nbsp; The Mater. Thank
+you.&nbsp; [<i>A little cough is heard. He looks toward the
+drawing-room.</i>]&nbsp; Is anyone there?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Gaylustre, sir.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>The dressmaker! What does she want?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>She told Phipps, Miss Imogen&rsquo;s maid, sir, that she
+was anxious to see the effect of her ladyship&rsquo;s and
+Miss Imogen&rsquo;s gowns when they get back from the
+Drawing-Room.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You should take her upstairs.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>Beg your pardon, Mr. Brooke, but we&rsquo;ve always
+understood that when Mrs. Gaylustre calls in the
+morning she&rsquo;s a dressmaker, and when she calls in
+the afternoon she&rsquo;s a lady.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, very well; it&rsquo;s awfully confusing.&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Probyn</span>
+<i>goes out.</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>reads the letter.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;My sweet child.
+For heaven&rsquo;s sake let me have your skeddle, or
+whatever you call your list of debts, directly. I&rsquo;ll
+do my best to get you out of your scrape, though
+<i>how</i> I can&rsquo;t think. I&rsquo;m desperately short of money,
+and altogether&mdash;as my poor dear father used to say&mdash;things
+are as blue as old Stilton. If your pa finds
+out what a muddle I&rsquo;m in, I fear he&rsquo;ll throw up
+public life and bury us in the country, and then
+good-by to my dear boy&rsquo;s and girl&rsquo;s prospects. So if
+I contrive to clear you once more, don&rsquo;t do it again,
+my poppet, or you&rsquo;ll break the heart of your loving
+mother, Kitty Twombley.&rdquo; The Mater&rsquo;s a brick&mdash;what!
+But I wonder if she has any notion how
+much it tots up to.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He places the letter upon the back of a large saddle-bag
+arm-chair while he takes out the schedule.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Three thousand seven hundred and fifty-six,
+nought, two. What!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>enters.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>A young man wants to see you, Mr. Brooke.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Who is it?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>No card, sir&mdash;and rather queerly dressed. Says
+he has a wish to shake hands with you on the door-step.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, I say! He mustn&rsquo;t, you know&mdash;what!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>I don&rsquo;t quite like the look of him, sir; gives the
+name of White&mdash;Mr. Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Why, that&rsquo;s my cousin!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>Cousin, sir! I beg pardon.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Where is he?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>goes out quickly, followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Probyn.</span> <i>The</i>
+<span class="smcap">Hon. Mrs. Gaylustre</span>, <i>an attractive, self-possessed,
+mischievous-looking woman, of not more
+than thirty, very fashionably dressed, enters from
+the drawing-room</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>How very charming! Lady Twombley&rsquo;s latest
+fad, the Algerian conservatory. And there was a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span>
+time when a sprig of geranium on the window-sill
+would have contented her.&nbsp; [<i>Looking at a photograph
+of</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>upon the table.</i>]&nbsp; There she
+is&mdash;Kitty Twombley. In one of my gowns too.
+Kitty Twombley, once Kitty White, the daughter
+of a poor farmer down in Cleverton. Ah, when
+young Mr. Julian Twombley came canvassing Farmer
+White&rsquo;s vote he found you innocently scrubbing
+the bricks, I suppose! And now!&nbsp; [<i>With a courtesy.</i>]&nbsp; Lady Twombley, wife of a Cabinet Minister
+and Patroness Extraordinary of that deserving
+young widow, Fanny Gaylustre!&nbsp; [<i>She sits surveying
+the portraits upon the table.</i>]&nbsp; Ha, ha! I&rsquo;ll turn you
+all to account some fine day. Why shouldn&rsquo;t I
+finish as well as the dairy-fed daughter of a Devonshire
+yokel? What on earth is wrong with my bonnet?&nbsp; [<i>She puts her hand up behind her head and
+finds</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>&rsquo;s <i>letter which</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>had left
+on the back of the chair.</i>]&nbsp; Lady Twombley&rsquo;s writing.&nbsp; [<i>Reading.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;My sweet child. For heaven&rsquo;s
+sake let me have your skeddle&mdash;&mdash;&rdquo;&nbsp; [<i>She sits up
+suddenly and devours the contents of the letter.</i>]&nbsp; Oh!&nbsp; [<i>Reading aloud.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;I&rsquo;m desperately short of money!
+Things are as blue as old Stilton! If your pa finds
+out&mdash;&mdash;!&rdquo; My word!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Heard speaking outside.</i>]&nbsp; My dear Valentine,
+why shouldn&rsquo;t you come in&mdash;what?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>creeps round in front of the table and
+disappears with the letter in her hand as</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>
+enters, dragging in <span class="smcap">Valentine White</span>, <i>a roughly-dressed,
+handsome young fellow of about six-and-twenty,
+bronzed and bearded.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Now, Brooke, you know I cut away from England
+years ago because I couldn&rsquo;t endure ceremony
+of any kind.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;m not treating you with ceremony&mdash;what!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Looking about him.</i>]  &nbsp;Phew! the atmosphere&rsquo;s
+charged with it. That fellow with his hair powdered
+nearly sent me running down the street like
+a mad dog.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Where the deuce have you been for the last six or
+eight years?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Where? Oh, buy a geography; call it, &ldquo;Explorations
+of Valentine White in Search of Freedom,&rdquo;
+and there you have it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Freedom!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Blessed freedom from forms, shams, and ceremonies
+of all sorts and descriptions.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Why, you left us for South Africa. Didn&rsquo;t South
+Africa satisfy you?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Satisfy me! I joined the expedition to Bangwaketsi.
+What were the consequences?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Fever?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Worse. There&rsquo;s no ceremony about fever. No,
+Brooke, I was snubbed by a major in the Kalahari
+Desert, because I didn&rsquo;t dress for dinner.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Then we heard of you herding filthy cattle in
+Mexico.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, at Durango. I enjoyed that, till some
+younger sons of the nobility came out and left
+cards at my hut. I afterwards drove a railway
+engine in Bolivia.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>By Jove, how awful&mdash;what! Wasn&rsquo;t that sufficiently
+beastly rough?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>My dear fellow, would you believe it&mdash;I got hold
+of a stoker who was a decayed British baronet!
+The affected way in which that man shovelled on
+coals was unendurable. So I&rsquo;ve come back, hopelessly
+wise.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Serve you right for kicking at refinement and
+good form and all that sort of thing. What!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Mimicking</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>.]&nbsp; Varnish, and veneer, and
+all that sort of thing&mdash;what!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, confound you! Well, you&rsquo;ll dine here at a
+quarter to eight, Val, won&rsquo;t you?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Dine in Chesterfield Gardens! Thirteen courses
+and eight wines! Heaven forgive you, Brooke.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Look here, you shall eat on the floor with a
+wooden spoon.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Thank you&mdash;even your floors are too highly polished.
+Tell Aunt Kitty and little Imogen that I
+shall walk in Kensington Gardens to-morrow morning
+at ten.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Little Imogen! Haw, haw!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Well?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I think it will pretty considerably wound your
+susceptibilities to hear that my sister Imogen is being
+presented by the Mater this afternoon.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>In horror.</i>]&nbsp; Presented!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Presented at Court&mdash;Drawing-Room, you know.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>How dare they! poor little child!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Haw, haw! If you&rsquo;ll wait a few minutes you&rsquo;ll
+see an imposing display of trains and feathers.
+Some of them are coming on here after the ceremony
+to drink tea, I believe.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Trains and feathers! Good gracious, Brooke,
+Imogen must have grown up!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Here&rsquo;s her portrait&mdash;what?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Staring at the portrait.</i>]&nbsp; I am right, Brooke&mdash;she
+<i>has</i> grown up!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Haw!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Eight years ago she was a romp, with a frock that
+always had a tear in it, and a head like a cornfield
+in the wind. Just look at this! While I&rsquo;ve been
+away they&rsquo;ve given her a new frock and brushed
+her hair. What an awful change!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>appears at the conservatory entrance.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia Vibart</span>, <i>a handsome, distinguished-looking,
+and elegantly dressed girl of about
+twenty, enters. She scarcely notices</i> <span class="smcap">Valentine</span>,
+<i>who bows formally.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>No one has returned yet, Brooke?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Effie, don&rsquo;t you recollect Mr. White?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Oh! how do you do?&nbsp; [<i>She shakes hands with him
+in an affected manner.</i>]&nbsp; We are distantly related, I
+remember.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Euphemia, I join you in remembering the
+relationship&mdash;and the distance.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, I don&rsquo;t mean that, Mr. White. At any rate,
+we were excellent friends many years ago when our
+cousin Imogen used to give us tea in her school-room.
+She will be <i>too</i> rejoiced at your return.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>At the window.</i>]&nbsp; Hullo, I think pa has come
+home.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Good-by, Lady Euphemia.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I say, Effie, Mr. White won&rsquo;t stay.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Indifferently.</i>]&nbsp; What a pity!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>He has turned against civilization, you know, and
+has become a sort of pleasant cannibal.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>A cannibal! That is <i>too</i> interesting. Pray remain,
+Mr. White. My brother, Lord Drumdurris, is
+on duty at the Palace to-day and is coming on here.
+We all knew each other as children. He will be <i>too</i>
+delighted.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>I recollect Lord Vibart, as he then was, very well.
+He once burnt me with a red-hot poker.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Good-humouredly, I am sure. Perhaps you have
+not heard that he married Lady Egidia Cardelloe,
+Lord Struddock&rsquo;s second daughter, about two years
+ago. If you stay you will meet her also.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, I am afraid I&mdash;I&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>You will find her <i>too</i> enchanting.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No, he won&rsquo;t. She&rsquo;s not tattooed or anything.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>They have a little son, just five months old, who
+is <i>too</i> divine.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, now, if you boiled the baby it might be to
+Val&rsquo;s taste.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>As they have been constantly travelling, Egidia is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span>
+only just presented to-day by my mother. You
+recollect Lady Drumdurris, my mother?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Perfectly.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Poking</i> <span class="smcap">Valentine</span> <i>in the side.</i>]&nbsp; Old Lady Drum!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>My mother will be <i>too</i> charmed to meet you again.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>.]&nbsp; Sir Julian is coming into the conservatory,
+sir.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Pa!&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>goes out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, dear Sir Julian!&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; [<i>She runs out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Look sharp, Brooke. Let me out.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Val, I&rsquo;ll tell you what. Come upstairs and smoke
+a cigarette in my room, and I&rsquo;ll bring the Mater and
+Imogen to you on the quiet when the people are
+gone.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Why, Brooke, do you think that Aunt Kitty and
+Imogen want a roving relative on the premises who
+isn&rsquo;t worth tuppence!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Bosh! Look out, here&rsquo;s pa! He seems awfully
+mumpish. Come on.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He takes</i> <span class="smcap">Valentine</span> <i>out. Directly they are gone</i> <span class="smcap">Lady
+Euphemia</span> <i>re-enters with</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian Twombley</span>,
+<i>an aristocratic but rather weak-looking man of
+about fifty-five, wearing his Ministerial uniform.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Are you pleased to get back, uncle?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Emphatically.</i>]&nbsp; Yes.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She places him in the arm-chair. He sinks into
+it with a sigh.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>How is your neuralgia?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Intense. It has been so ever since&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Putting her smelling-bottle to his nose.</i>]&nbsp; Ever
+since?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ever since I took Office. Thank you.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Was it a very brilliant Drawing-Room?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I think it must have been. I have been more
+than usually trodden upon.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Did you catch a glimpse of Aunt Kitty or of any
+of our people?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I <i>heard</i> Lady Twombley. What inexhaustible
+spirit she has! Euphemia, my dear, I confide in
+you. But for Lady Twombley I could never endure
+the badgering, the browbeating, the hackling, for
+which I seem especially selected.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s <i>too</i> unjust.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, I know I am going to have a bad time in the
+House to-night!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Don&rsquo;t dwell upon it, uncle.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Euphemia! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; [<i>He jumps up almost fiercely.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Uncle Julian!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Certain members of the Opposition are going too
+far. They regard me as a bull in the arena. They
+goad me, they pierce me with questions. And then,
+the lack of journalistic sympathy! Look here!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He stealthily produces a newspaper from his
+pocket.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Reproachfully.</i>]&nbsp; Uncle Julian, you&rsquo;ve bought a
+newspaper. You promised aunt you never would.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>H&rsquo;m! I would have you know, Euphemia, that I
+have not absolutely broken my pledge to Lady
+Twombley. I made Harris, the coachman, purchase
+this. As you drive home drop it out of your carriage
+window.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>As</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span> <i>takes the paper from him her
+eyes fall upon a paragraph.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Oh! do they mean you, uncle?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Without doubt.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Reading.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;The Square Peg!&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Hush! the servant!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span> <i>crams the paper into her pocket.</i>
+<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>enters, carrying a small music-easel with
+some music on it and a flute in a case.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>Here, Sir Julian?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, do play, uncle!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Probyn</span>.]&nbsp; Thank you.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>It will soothe you.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Taking the flute from</i> <span class="smcap">Probyn</span>.]&nbsp; My only vice,
+Euphemia.&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>goes out.</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>sounds a
+mournful note.</i>]&nbsp; This little friend has inspired
+some of my most conspicuous oratorical triumphs.
+It has furnished me with many a cutting rejoinder
+for question time.&nbsp; [<i>He sounds another note.</i>]&nbsp; Ah, I
+know I am going to have such a bad night in the
+House.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He plays.</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>enters with</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; That woman!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>.]&nbsp; How do you do?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span> <i>stares, inclines her head slightly,
+and goes to</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; Haughty wretch!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Gaylustre!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Sir Julian, don&rsquo;t, don&rsquo;t stop!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I thought I was alone with Lady Euphemia.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>I am waiting to see dear Lady Twombley. Oh,
+do permit me to hear that sweet instrument!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Pray sit down!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>resumes his seat and plays a plaintive
+melody.</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>listens in a rapt
+attitude.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>.]&nbsp; That person is <i>too</i> odious to me.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Several people have taken her up.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Somehow, being taken up is what she suggests.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>She seems a sort of society mermaid&mdash;half a lady
+and half a milliner&mdash;what? Only it bothers you to
+know where the one leaves off and the other begins.
+Who is she?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>In prehistoric days she was a Miss Lebanon.
+Lord Bulpitt&rsquo;s son, Percy Gaylustre, met her at
+Nice&mdash;or somewhere.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, yes, and he married her&mdash;or something.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, and now she&rsquo;s a widow&mdash;or something.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Why does the Mater encourage her?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Because Aunt Kate is <i>too</i> good-hearted and impressionable.
+But, as a rule, I think Mrs. Gaylustre
+makes a considerable reduction to those who ask
+her to their parties.&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>is bending over</i>
+<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>and turning his music.</i>]&nbsp; Look!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>appears at the entrance.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>Here&rsquo;s Sir Julian, my lady.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Hullo, Mater!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>, <i>a handsome, bright, good-humoured
+woman, dressed magnificently in Court dress,
+enters.</i> <span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>retires, and</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>stops
+playing.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Kissing</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>.]&nbsp; Well, Brooke, darling, have
+you wanted your mother?&nbsp; [<i>Kissing</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>.]&nbsp; Effie, how sweet you look! what a dream of a bonnet!&nbsp; [<i>Nods to</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span>.]&nbsp; How d&rsquo;ye do, Mrs.
+Gaylustre? Why, pa!&nbsp; [<i>She bends over him and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span>
+kisses him.</i>]&nbsp; You&rsquo;re worried&mdash;you&rsquo;ve been playing
+your whistle.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Flute, Katherine.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I mean flute. It was my brother Bob who always
+played a whistle when the crops were poor or
+the lambs fell sickly.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I had not the advantage of your brother Robert&rsquo;s
+acquaintance.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Where&rsquo;s Imogen? Imogen!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Outside.</i>]&nbsp; Mamma!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Come and show yourself to pa.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>enters in her Court dress, a pretty girl of
+about eighteen.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Effie, dear! Well, Brooke!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>.]&nbsp; Look at her!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Quite charming!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Well, papa, have you nothing to say to me?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>My dear, I hesitate to address such a magnificent
+creature.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Bowing to</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>.]&nbsp; Mamma, I think that
+gentleman wishes to be presented to me. I have no
+objection, if you consider him a person I ought to
+know.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Kissing</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>.]&nbsp; Ah, Julian, our sweet child!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Taking</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>&rsquo;s <i>hand.</i>]&nbsp; My dear.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>With dignity.</i>]&nbsp; I am pleased to make your acquaintance.
+I&rsquo;ve heard you mentioned very kindly
+by my little friend, Imogen Twombley. Pray sit
+down, and I&rsquo;ll sit on your lap.&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>sits on</i> <span class="smcap">Sir
+Julian</span>&rsquo;s <i>knee and puts her arm round his neck.</i>]&nbsp; Oh,
+papa, I have been so nervous!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>I quite sympathize. I was shockingly nervous
+when <i>I</i> was presented.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Rising hastily.</i>]&nbsp; Mrs. Gaylustre&mdash;I didn&rsquo;t see
+you.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>.]&nbsp; Dear old Lady
+Leeke, whose wheels we locked in the Park, said<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span>
+she had heard Imogen&rsquo;s name mentioned fifty times.
+Mrs. Charlie Lessingham declares nothing prettier
+has been seen since her own first season. And it&rsquo;s
+true&mdash;that&rsquo;s the best of it! I saw the child make
+her courtesy; I was determined I would. I entered
+the Throne Room just before her and tumbled
+through anyhow, with one eye straight in front
+of me and the other screwed round towards my girl.
+There was a general shudder&mdash;it was at my squint.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I trust not, Katherine.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>When I did get through they gave me my train,
+as much as to say: &ldquo;If this belongs to you, take it
+home as soon as possible.&rdquo; But there I stuck in the
+doorway, not budging an inch. I didn&rsquo;t care how
+the officials whispered, and waved, and beckoned;
+I stood my ground. And then, Julian, then my
+breath nearly went from me, for I saw her coming!
+Effie, it was lovely! Brooke, you would have been
+proud of your sister! Her cheeks were like the
+outside leaf of a Duchesse de Vallombrosa rose, and
+her eyes like two dewdrops on the top of it; and
+she had just enough fright in her little heart to
+make her feathers tremble. Then she courtesied.
+Ah, if she had stumbled I should have been by her
+side in an instant&mdash;who would have blamed me?
+I&rsquo;m her mother!&mdash;but she didn&rsquo;t. No, she floated
+towards me&mdash;dipping, and dipping, and dipping,
+again and again, as smoothly and gracefully as a
+swan swimming backward!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>embraces</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>.]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>I am <i>too</i> glad, Aunt Kitty.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Awfully satisfactory&mdash;what?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I remember Lady Liphook&rsquo;s daughter Miriam
+falling and rolling over in the season of &rsquo;85.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Lor&rsquo; how sorry I feel for anybody who isn&rsquo;t a
+mother! But, I say, there&rsquo;s a bit that wants taking
+in there.&nbsp; [<i>Pinching up the shoulder of</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>&rsquo;s
+<i>dress.</i>]&nbsp; Gaylustre, you must tell your woman Antoinette
+this won&rsquo;t do.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Lady Twombley&mdash;please!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>puts her handkerchief to her
+eyes.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>My dear, pray forgive me! I really forgot where
+we were.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>, <i>with a little sob.</i>]&nbsp; You
+wouldn&rsquo;t hurt my feelings wilfully, I know.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Not for the world. But it&rsquo;s a little confusing,
+mixing up business with pleasure. Imogen, let
+Lady Effie and Mrs. Gaylustre hear you play your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span>
+lovely harp, but don&rsquo;t let the nasty thing hurt your
+fingers. Brooke, I want to speak to you.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>stroll out, followed
+by</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Mournfully.</i>]&nbsp; I&rsquo;ll dress now, Katherine, and go
+down.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Lor&rsquo;, pa, don&rsquo;t speak as if you were thinking of
+our tomb at Kensal Green.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Competent authorities assure me there is quiet to
+be found in the tomb; I anticipate nothing of that
+kind where I am going to-night.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He goes out.</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>watches his going,
+then turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>sharply.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Well, have you got it?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>My&mdash;er&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Your skeddle.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>hands his schedule to</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>There&rsquo;s a dear boy.&nbsp; [<i>She turns over the leaves,
+gradually her face assumes a look of horror.</i>] &nbsp;&ldquo;Total,
+three thousand&mdash;&mdash;!&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She folds the schedule, puts it in her pocket, and
+faces</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>fiercely with her hands clenched.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You imp! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;[<i>She boxes his right ear soundly.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mater!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You villain! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;[<i>She boxes his left ear.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Don&rsquo;t, Mater!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Three thousand pounds! Three thousand times
+I wish you had never been born! I&mdash;I&mdash;&mdash;&nbsp; [<i>She
+breaks down, puts her arms round Brooke&rsquo;s neck, and
+cries.</i>]&nbsp; Oh, Brooke, my dear, forgive your poor
+mother&rsquo;s vile temper. I&rsquo;ve made my Brooke&rsquo;s head
+ache. Oh, my gracious!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Don&rsquo;t fret, Mater. If you&rsquo;re run rather low at
+Scott&rsquo;s&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Scott&rsquo;s, Brooke! When I creep into that bank
+now and ask for my pass-book I have to hold on to
+the edge of the counter, I feel so sick and giddy.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, very well then, Mater, I can wait. Mr. Nazareth,
+of Burlington Street, will accommodate me for
+a time; a couple of bills, you know, at three and
+six months&mdash;what?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Speaking in a whisper.</i>]&nbsp; Brooky, Brooky, I&rsquo;ve
+thought of those dreadful things for myself.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>For yourself, Mater! Why, you can always get
+the right side of pa.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Brooke! Brooky, I must tell you. Just now poor
+pa has no right side.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mater!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s as much as the dear man can do to get a rattle
+out of his keys. For a long time, Brooke, we&rsquo;ve all
+been outrunning the constable.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Really, Mater, I ought to have been consulted
+before.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I know, Brooke, but I couldn&rsquo;t face my boy&rsquo;s
+reproaches.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Pa must have been inexcusably reckless&mdash;what?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No, it&rsquo;s all my fault, every bit of it.&nbsp; [<i>A pretty
+melody on the harp is heard.</i>]&nbsp; Brooke, never marry
+a country-bred girl as your pa did. When he fell
+in love with me I was content with three frocks a
+year&mdash;think of that!&mdash;and had to twist up my
+own hats. And I could have done it for ever<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span>
+down at Cleverton, but I didn&rsquo;t stand the transplanting.
+Oh, I&rsquo;ll never forget how the fine folks
+snubbed me and sneered at me when I came to
+town. Brooke, my son, I declare to goodness
+that for ten long years I never saw a nose that
+wasn&rsquo;t turned up! And then pa got his baronetcy,
+and old Lady Drumdurris gave us her forefinger to
+shake, and that did it. But it was too late; I was
+spoilt by that time. I had been too long fishing for
+friends with dances, and dinners, and drags, and
+race-parties, and all sorts of bait; and when the
+time came for a few people to like me for my own
+stupid, rough self I&rsquo;d got into the way of scattering
+sovereigns as freely as I used to sprinkle mignonette
+seed in my little garden at the Yale Farm.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>All this is very painful, Mater&mdash;what?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Crying.</i>]&nbsp; What a silly woman I&rsquo;ve been, Brooke!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>We&rsquo;re all thoughtless at times.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>If I had but pulled in when pa&rsquo;s Irish rents began
+to dwindle!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Why didn&rsquo;t you, Mater?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I don&rsquo;t know, but I didn&rsquo;t, I only prayed for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span>
+better times and ordered Gillow to refurnish the
+dining-room. Last season I got through eighteen
+thousand pounds!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She twists him round, pointing to the walls of the
+conservatory.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>And look! Look at this sixpenny Algerian grotto
+I&rsquo;ve stuck in the middle of the house. Seven
+thousand four hundred and fifty this cost, not
+counting the hot-water pipes.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Is it paid for?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Your dear pa transferred the money for it to my
+account at Scott&rsquo;s, but I&rsquo;ve gone and spent it on other
+things.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mater!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, my poor heart!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Well, Mater, any assistance I can render you in
+this emergency&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, I know.&nbsp; [<i>Seizing his hand and kissing it.</i>]&nbsp; My Brooke! my comfort!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Outside.</i>]&nbsp; Lady Drumdurris&mdash;Dowager Lady
+Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Egidia and Aunt Dora.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Wiping her eyes.</i>]&nbsp; Your aunt mustn&rsquo;t see me upset.
+Brooke, don&rsquo;t think anything more of what
+I&rsquo;ve told you. I&rsquo;ve tumbled into the mud before
+now, but mud dries to dust and I&rsquo;ve always managed
+to shake it off. Dora!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager Countess of Drumdurris</span> <i>enters&mdash;a
+portly, rather formidable-looking lady of forty-five
+or fifty, in Court dress and diamonds.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Well, Dora, are you tired?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>I hope I am never fatigued in doing my duty to
+my family, Kate. Here is poor Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Egidia, Countess of Drumdurris</span> <i>enters&mdash;a small,
+serious girl, with a great deal of presence and
+dignity, also in Court dress.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>How do you do, Lady Twombley?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Why, <i>poor</i> Egidia! Aren&rsquo;t you well, dear?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Egidia received a telegram from Scotland this
+morning; her son has cut his first tooth, during her
+absence, painfully.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, dear!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>You also are a mother, Lady Twombley. You can
+sympathize with such cares as those I am now endeavouring
+to sustain.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>stroll in.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Your boy is five months old, isn&rsquo;t he?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Fergus is precisely five months.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Well, there are two-and-twenty more teeth to
+come yet, you know.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, I am schooling myself into that conviction.
+I am naturally, I hope, a woman of more than ordinary
+courage.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>appears at the entrance.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>Lord Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Earl of Drumdurris</span>, <i>a boyish-looking officer of
+the Guards, in uniform, with much dignity and
+reserve, enters.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>How do you do, Lady Twombley? Egidia.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Keith, you have further news from Scotland?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Another telegram.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She puts her hand calmly in that of the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Tell us, my son.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Another tooth.&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>closes her eyes. The</i>
+<span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>kisses her upon the brow.</i>]&nbsp; I offered Lady
+Macphail and Sir Colin the use of my brougham, but
+they preferred coming on here in their chariot.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Macphail and Sir Colin! Coming here!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; I haven&rsquo;t told you what
+I&rsquo;ve done. Keith!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Bowing.</i>]&nbsp; Certainly.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He joins the others, who are talking together.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; I have a motive. My
+whole life has been one vast comprehensive motive.
+Lady Macphail is the little woman to whom I introduced
+you on the stairs at the Palace.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Well, but&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>I encountered her again, and delivered a message
+from you begging her to come on here with Sir
+Colin to drink tea.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I never&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>I know you didn&rsquo;t. My motive is this. She has
+just brought her boy to London.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Is he the great man in the kilt I saw holding on
+to her lappets?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Yes.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>He&rsquo;s thirty, if he&rsquo;s an hour.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>He&rsquo;s more. But he is a fine example of the grand
+simplicity that exists in many Scottish families.
+Proprietor of eighty thousand acres, head of a great
+clan, Colin Macphail of Ballocheevin remains a child
+attached to his mother.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, I shall be very happy to&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, you grasp my motive!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No, I don&rsquo;t.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>In</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>&rsquo;s <i>ear.</i>]&nbsp; <i>Imogen.</i></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen <i>must</i> make a match this season and marry
+before the year is out.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Why?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Don&rsquo;t deceive yourself, Kate Twombley. You
+are aware that Julian&rsquo;s position in the Ministry is
+precarious?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You think so?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Everybody thinks so. It&rsquo;s my opinion they&rsquo;ll
+make a Jonah of him and cast him from them before
+many months are over. You know what that
+means?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Horrible! Julian giving up public life and set<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>tling
+down in some dismal swamp as a country gentleman.
+He has threatened it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Very well then; you must assure your children&rsquo;s
+future before the blow falls. What could you do
+for Imogen in the country?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>A vicar or a small squire.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>More likely a curate or a farmer. Will you resign
+yourself to that?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Never, Dora! I never will! I&rsquo;ve had to swallow
+the husks of London and my chicks shall have the
+barley. Julian <i>shall</i> hold on till they have made
+brilliant marriages!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>He shall! Afterwards I&rsquo;ll go back to darning
+stockings with a light heart.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Well spoken, Kate Twombley!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>appears at the entrance.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Colin and Lady Macphail.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; You see my motive?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, Dora.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Colin</span> <i>enter&mdash;she a simple
+little old woman in Court dress, ecstatically sentimental;
+he a formidable-looking bearded man
+about six feet high, in full Highland costume,
+bashful and awkward in manner, and keeping close
+to his mother.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span>.]&nbsp; I am delighted to see you
+here.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Presenting</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>.]&nbsp; My boy.&nbsp; [<i>He shelters himself
+behind her and bows uneasily.</i>]&nbsp; I have determined
+to give the lad a season in this mighty city, Lady
+Twombley.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, he&rsquo;ll enjoy himself, I&rsquo;m sure.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Nay, the Macphails never enjoy themselves in the
+South.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;m very sorry; perhaps they don&rsquo;t go the right
+way about it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Already Colin&rsquo;s feet ache&mdash;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Do they?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Ache to press the heather again, searching for a
+sight of the red-deer in the misty chasms of Ben
+Muchty, or the wild birds fluttering on the gray
+shore of Loch-na-Doich.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, very pretty country, I dare say.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Where would you be, Colin, at this hour at Castle
+Ballocheevin? Watching the sun sink behind the
+black peak of Ben-na-Vrachie? Speak, lad!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Sadly.</i>]&nbsp; That is so, mother.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Do you do that every evening at home?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Aye.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, a Macphail always feels like a seagull with a
+broken wing in the South.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You must take care you don&rsquo;t get him run over.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Appearing at the entrance.</i>]&nbsp; Tea is in the yellow
+room, my lady.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span>, <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>, <span class="smcap">Egidia</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>
+<i>go out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Introducing</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>.]&nbsp; Lady Macphail, Sir Colin&mdash;my
+niece, Imogen. Imogen, take Sir Colin to tea.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>This way, Sir Colin.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; You see my motive?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Waiting for</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>.]&nbsp; Tea is in this room, Sir
+Colin.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>, <i>and then, appealingly, at</i> <span class="smcap">Lady
+Macphail</span>.]&nbsp; Come, mother.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Imogen</span>, <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>go out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>, <i>following the others.</i>]&nbsp; He is
+impressed!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>, <i>in evening dress, enters with a letter in his
+hand.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Katherine! Katherine!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Pa?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I must speak to you.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>But Dora has just brought a Highland youth here.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I can&rsquo;t help it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>What&rsquo;s wrong, pa? How pale and waxy you
+look!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Handing her the letter.</i>]&nbsp; An urgent letter from
+old Mr. Mason, my solicitor, about my affairs.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Lor&rsquo;, pa&mdash;another!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You have it upside down.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Everything connected with our affairs <i>will</i> get
+that way.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mason is imperative.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>He insists upon your considering your pecuniary
+position.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>What shall I do?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Accede to his request&mdash;consider it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>But I am constantly considering it!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Hush, pa!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No man&rsquo;s pecuniary position has ever demanded or
+received more consideration than my own. Day and
+night my pecuniary position lashes my brain into
+the consistency of a whipped egg.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Pa, be calm!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Kate, my pecuniary position interposes between
+me and grave public questions. My very spectacles
+are toned by it. It is in every blue-book, in every
+page of Hansard, in the preamble of every Bill.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, dear pa!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>It sits with me in committees, accompanies me
+into the lobbies; it receives deputations, replies to
+questions in the House; it forms part of the deliberations
+of the Cabinet. It warps my political sympathies;
+it distorts my judgment; it obscures my
+eloquence, and it lames my logic!&nbsp; [<i>Taking the letter<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>
+from</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; And Mason&mdash;asks&mdash;me&mdash;to
+consider it!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Leans his head on his hands. She sits on the
+arm of his chair.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Tearfully.</i>]&nbsp; Julian, you&mdash;mustn&rsquo;t&mdash;give way.
+Suppose the members of the Opposition saw you
+like this.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>With a groan.</i>]&nbsp; Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Think of those persons who sit&mdash;where is it?&mdash;on
+the hatchway&mdash;or below the gangway, or some
+uncomfortable place. How rejoiced they&rsquo;d be!&nbsp; [<i>Shaking him gently.</i>]&nbsp; Have courage, Julian&mdash;perk
+up, pa dear.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I cannot go on, Kitty.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, don&rsquo;t say that!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mason&rsquo;s letter decides me.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>To do what!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Yield to a sentiment which I have reason to believe
+exists on both sides of the House&mdash;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Resign?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Resign my place in the Ministry&mdash;ask for the
+Chiltern Hundreds&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Wind up my affairs in town&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, no!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>And seek peace in rural retirement.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You shan&rsquo;t, pa! Oh, my gracious, you wouldn&rsquo;t
+be so heartless!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Heartless!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Kneeling beside him.</i>]&nbsp; Think of my blessed chicks&mdash;my
+babies. Don&rsquo;t go under, Julian, till we&rsquo;ve given
+them the benefit of our magnificent position&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Our mag&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Wait till my Brooky&mdash;our Brooky&mdash;has won some
+handsome, wealthy girl who is worthy of him. Hold
+on till Imogen has made a marriage that will make<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span>
+every true mother&rsquo;s mouth water. Then I&rsquo;ll settle
+down with you alone, in a marsh. But don&rsquo;t sink
+into obscurity till the end of the year! I can do
+wonders by Christmas! Give me till then, pa&mdash;give
+me till then!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She throws her arms round his neck.</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>&rsquo;s <i>harp
+is heard again.</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>The wretches! how they ignore me!&nbsp; [<i>Seeing</i> <span class="smcap">Sir
+Julian</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; Ah!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Hiding herself behind a pillar she listens.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>But&mdash;but&mdash;but if I desperately cling to public
+life a little longer I must have money.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Of course&mdash;of course you must have money. But,
+Julian, you must look to me for that.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You, Katherine!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You must think only of your value to the country,
+and&mdash;leave the rest to your wife.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Kitty, you have made some little private hoard
+out of your allowance!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Sinking faintly onto the settee.</i>]&nbsp; Well, pa.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>How prudent! How thoughtful!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Go&mdash;go to Dora. Make my excuses. I&rsquo;ll follow
+you when I&rsquo;ve pulled myself together.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, yes.&nbsp; [<i>Turning.</i>]&nbsp; By the way, Kitty, Hopwoods
+have just sent in their bill for erecting this
+conservatory.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Clinging to the back of the chair.</i>]&nbsp; Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You remember I transferred, at your request,
+seven thousand some odd pounds to your account at
+Scott&rsquo;s when we projected the&mdash;h&rsquo;m!&mdash;pardonable
+little extravagance?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Y&mdash;yes.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Hopwoods can wait till midsummer. Perhaps
+you wouldn&rsquo;t mind letting me have the use of the
+money in the meantime?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No, certainly not.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>A cheque any day this week&mdash;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>All days are equally convenient.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Kitty, I <i>will</i> hold on till Christmas!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Thank you, pa&mdash;I&mdash;&mdash;&nbsp; [<i>She turns to him suddenly.</i>]&nbsp; Oh, pa, I haven&rsquo;t got&mdash;I haven&rsquo;t&mdash;I&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Haven&rsquo;t what, Kitty?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>N&mdash;nothing. Go&mdash;go to Dora.&nbsp; [<i>He goes out.</i>]&nbsp; Oh!
+where shall I turn for money? Where shall I turn?
+Where shall I turn&mdash;for money?&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span>
+<i>advances and faces</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; Ah! Mrs.
+Gaylustre!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Lady Twombley, I am in such distress!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Distress!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Producing</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>&rsquo;s <i>letter to</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>.]&nbsp; I
+picked up a letter in the next room. I thought it
+was the note you wrote me about the plum-coloured
+<i>peignoir</i> and that it had fallen from my pocket. I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span>
+glanced at it. Oh, look! &nbsp;[<i>She hands the letter to</i>
+<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Gracious!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>But that is not the worst. It tells me that you
+are in trouble&mdash;you, the best friend I have in the
+world, my benefactress. Oh, what shall I do?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Hold your tongue about it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Ah! why did I read it through?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Because you were a little curious, I&rsquo;m afraid.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>I shan&rsquo;t sleep for it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Thank you, I can do all my own lying awake.
+Mind your own concerns for the future, Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>It <i>is</i> my concern when I can help you.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p><i>You</i> help me?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, yes. Oh, let me, Lady Twombley! I don&rsquo;t
+ask to be confided in, I only ask to be allowed to
+bring my brother to see you&mdash;to-night&mdash;to-morrow.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Your brother?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Lebanon&mdash;my Joseph. I would trust him as
+I&rsquo;d trust myself. I have known him do such
+things in the way of raising money upon what he
+calls personal and other security&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>A money-lender?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Twombley! Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Does Mr. Lebanon help&mdash;people&mdash;in difficulties?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, doesn&rsquo;t he!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Will you see him, Lady Twombley?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Don&rsquo;t ask me. Perhaps.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>To-night?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps, I tell you.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>At what time?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Half-past nine&mdash;sharp.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; Done!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>enters with</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span>, <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>,
+<i>and the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span>. <span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>follows with</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span>,
+<i>then after an interval</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>,
+<span class="smcap">Egidia</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>appear.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>, <i>reprovingly.</i>]&nbsp; My dear, Lady
+Macphail and Sir Colin are going.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; You are neglecting them.
+What can be your motive?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span>.]&nbsp; I hope Sir Julian has explained&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Certainly. But I must take my boy away. He
+dines at six to avoid late hours.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>talks to</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Quietly to</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; Look! they are
+talking.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Colin rises at five every morning.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Dear me, how awful!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>He loves to watch the sunrise from the jagged
+summit of Ben-na-fechan.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>But there&rsquo;s no Ben-na-what-you-may-call-it here.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>No. But he sits upon the roof of our lodgings in
+Clarges Street. Good-bye, Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>They shake hands.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>.]&nbsp; Good-bye. You must come and
+see me on one of my Tuesdays.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Aye, with my mother.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>; <i>they shake hands.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Good-bye, Sir Colin.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; There again! look!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Why, here&rsquo;s Valentine! Valentine!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Inquiringly.</i>]&nbsp; Valentine?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>brings on</i> <span class="smcap">Valentine</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>.]&nbsp; Let me go! I was trying to find
+my way out.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; Here&rsquo;s Valentine, come
+back.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Valentine!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, my dear Val! My dear old Val!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She rushes to him impulsively and flings her
+arms round his neck, at which the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span>
+<i>gives a cry of horror, and there is a general
+movement of astonishment.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="center"><big>END OF THE FIRST ACT.</big></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="THE_SECOND_ACT" id="THE_SECOND_ACT"></a>THE SECOND ACT.</h2>
+
+<p class="spkr"><big>Difficulties.</big></p>
+
+<p><i>The scene is a handsomely decorated and elegantly
+furnished morning-room at</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian Twombley</span>&rsquo;s,
+<i>with every evidence of luxury and refined
+taste. It is a July morning.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>is playing his flute.</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Melton</span>, <i>a good-looking,
+well-dressed young man, enters carrying a
+few sheets of paper.</i></p>
+
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Melton.</p>
+
+<p>Pardon me. [<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>&rsquo;s <i>flute gives a squeak.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Melton?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Melton.</p>
+
+<p>The arrangements for this morning are quite
+complete, Sir Julian.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>The arrangements?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Melton.</p>
+
+<p>The arrangements for the opening of the new
+street.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, to be sure; I open the new street to-day.
+Why on earth shouldn&rsquo;t a new street be opened by
+a policeman during the night, quietly?</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager Lady Drumdurris</span>, <i>fashionably
+dressed for out-of-doors, enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>In a flutter.</i>]&nbsp; Julian, good-morning. A glorious
+day for the ceremony, Mr. Melton. Is everything
+arranged?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Melton.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Bowing.</i>]&nbsp; Everything.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>I have a motive for asking. I and my family
+accompany Sir Julian and Lady Twombley to lend
+weight and support.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Melton.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>.]&nbsp; You leave here at twelve, reaching
+the new street at half-past. You speak from the
+cluster of lamps by St. Jude&rsquo;s Church.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Your speech will be terse, elegant, and vigorous,
+I hope, Julian?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I hope so. Have you written it, Melton?&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Melton</span>
+<i>hands him the sheets of paper.</i>]&nbsp; Thank you. The
+usual thing, I suppose?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Melton.</p>
+
+<p>Quite, quite.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Thank you. There&rsquo;s nothing like the usual thing.&nbsp; [<i>Referring to the speech.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;By opening up these
+majestic avenues London takes beer&mdash;&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Melton.</p>
+
+<p>Air.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I beg your pardon. &ldquo;&mdash;&mdash;takes air into her system
+and keeps her place in the race with her sister cities.&rdquo;
+Excellent.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Who will throw the bottle?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No one, I hope.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Melton.</p>
+
+<p>You are thinking of the christening of a ship,
+Lady Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Pardon me.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Melton.</p>
+
+<p>I have to see Superintendent Snudden now as to
+the police arrangements.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Dear me! You anticipate no pellets?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Melton.</p>
+
+<p>Hardly.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s so unfortunate it isn&rsquo;t a wet day.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Julian!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>An umbrella is such a safeguard.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Melton.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;ll see that the carriage closes easily.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Thank you. And Lady Twombley might take an
+extra sunshade.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Melton</span> <i>goes out. The</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>closes the door
+carefully after him.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Reading.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;I can conceive no position more
+agreeable to a Minister of the Crown than that
+which&mdash;&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Julian!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Dora?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>You wonder why I am with you at this early
+hour. I need hardly say I have a motive.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I suppose so.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Knowing that you were not going down to Browning
+Street this morning, and that Lady Twombley
+and Imogen were to take Euphemia shopping in
+Bond Street, I grasped the chance of seeing you
+alone. Julian, what has happened to your wife?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>To Katherine?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>There is a shocking change.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Recently?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>It began two or three months ago. She&rsquo;s not the
+woman she was at the commencement of the season.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You alarm me. In what way?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Every way. Her appearance.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I haven&rsquo;t noticed it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Being her husband, it is natural you should not.
+Her variable temperament! At one moment she
+looks as if she would like to bury everybody, me especially;
+the next she is laughing in a manner I
+must designate as positively provincial.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Dora, you quite distress me.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>I came early for that purpose.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Thank you.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps you resent my interference.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No, no.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>It would not deter me if you did. The grand
+motive of my life is a firm, undeviating, persistent
+policy of practical interference. I am a social warrior;
+the moment I scent domestic carnage I hurl
+myself into the <i>mêlée</i> and plant my flag. Julian,
+my flag is planted in your household.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>But I am aware of nothing disquieting to Katherine&rsquo;s
+peace of mind.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Don&rsquo;t tell me!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Two or three months ago there <i>was</i> a little difficulty&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>But it was mine, not Katherine&rsquo;s.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Yours?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Frankly, I was embarrassed for ready money.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, dear!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>But Katherine, who is really of an extremely
+thrifty nature, promptly placed her very considerable
+savings at my disposal, and the difficulty ceased.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>It never struck me your wife was thrifty.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Nor me till that moment. Which shows how
+liable the most careful observer is to error.&nbsp; [<i>Resuming
+the study of his speech.</i>]&nbsp; Pray excuse me.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; Um! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;[<i>She goes up to the window.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Studying.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;I can conceive no position more
+agreeable to a Minister of the <span class="nowrap">Crown&mdash;&mdash;&rdquo;</span> I&rsquo;ll go
+upstairs, quietly. <span class="nowrap">&ldquo;&mdash;&mdash;than</span> that which I occupy
+upon this occasion.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He moves softly toward the door. The</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span>
+<i>turns suddenly.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Julian!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Dora?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>I don&rsquo;t like your wife&rsquo;s great friendship for Mrs.
+Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Katherine finds her a bright companion.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Katherine has <i>my</i> companionship. It&rsquo;s true I
+can&rsquo;t cut a sleeve like that lady.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>It is to be regretted that poor Mrs. Gaylustre is
+forced to follow the modern fashion of increasing
+her income by devices formerly practised only by
+the lower middle-classes.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>She sticks pins in her bosom as though she relished
+it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>But, after all, Dora, Madame Mauricette, of Plunkett
+Street, and Mrs. Gaylustre, widow of Lord Bulpitt&rsquo;s
+son, are two very distinct persons. Excuse
+me.&nbsp; [<i>He continues studying his speech.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>But what was she <i>before</i> her marriage?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You must really give me notice of that question&mdash;I
+beg your pardon&mdash;I don&rsquo;t know.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>This lady now walks into your house as if it were
+her own!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Your wife is positively canvassing for invitations
+for her! Julian!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I shall be unprepared with my speech!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>My family comes before everything!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>Lord and Lady Drumdurris are inquiring for you,
+my lady.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Beg them to come here.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>retires.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, then, if you&rsquo;ll allow me&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>No, Julian. This is another family matter of terrible
+importance.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>My dear Dora!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Keith and Egidia approach you at this early hour
+at my instigation. I have a painful motive.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, dear me!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>enters, dressed in fashionable walking costume,
+her face pale and troubled.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Sadly.</i>]&nbsp; Sir Julian.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>My dear Egidia, there is nothing amiss, I hope?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Ah! Everything is amiss, Sir Julian.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Julian, the relations between my son and his wife
+have become terribly strained.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No, no!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed, yes!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>I have done all in my power to relieve the horrible
+tension&mdash;if anything, I have made matters
+worse. My hope is now centred in you. Here is
+Keith.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>sits upon a settee staring before her.</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span>
+<i>enters, looking much worried.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, mother.&nbsp; [<i>Grasping</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>&rsquo;s <i>hand with
+feeling.</i>]&nbsp; Sir Julian.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He and his wife look severely at one another and
+draw themselves up.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>My dear Keith, what can I do for you?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Ha! Explain, mother.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Julian, my son and his wife have cordially agreed
+to refer their grave differences to your judgment.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Without binding ourselves to abide by Sir Julian&rsquo;s
+decision.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Naturally.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Pray tell me the cause of dispute.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>The future of their child.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, yes.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>The adjustment of the career he is to follow.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>That is precisely it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span>.]&nbsp; Where is Fergus?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>He accompanied us.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>He is with Angèle in the next room.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Calling at the door.</i>]&nbsp; Angèle! Angèle!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Outside.</i>]&nbsp; Miladi?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Bring Lord Aberbrothock here.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Angèle</span> <i>a French nurse, characteristically attired,
+enters, carrying a richly-dressed infant.</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span>
+<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>look into its face together.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Figurez-vous, milord, qu&rsquo;il a dormi pendant tout
+le trajet! et puis quand je suis descendue de voiture,
+il s&rsquo;est réveillé en pleurant ... ah mais, en pleurant!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Give me Lord Aberbrothock.&nbsp; [<i>She takes the child
+from Angèle.</i>]&nbsp; Wait in the next room, Angèle.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, miladi.  <span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">J&rsquo;espère bien que Monsieur le
+Vicomte ne va plus crier, car ça pourrait faire de la
+peine à sa grand&rsquo;maman.</span> &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;[<span class="smcap">Angèle</span> <i>goes out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Now, Julian, this is the point. You see Fergus.
+Politics or the Army?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Politics.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>The Army.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Pray speak, Julian.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Er&mdash;um&mdash;perhaps it would be rather precipitate&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>I differ entirely. The child&rsquo;s intelligence must be
+directed into a particular channel from the beginning.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>In that I heartily concur. For instance, the question
+of toys is already most urgent.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>He is without playthings at present, so his mind
+is quite open.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>You appear to have no views, Julian.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Drumdurris, let Sir Julian look at the
+height and character of Fergus&rsquo;s brow.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Pray do. It&rsquo;s a soldier&rsquo;s forehead.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Julian.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; [<i>She hands the infant to</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian.</span>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Thank you. Politics or the Army?&nbsp; [<i>Addressing
+the child in his arms.</i>]&nbsp; My dear Fergus, take my
+advice, not, <i>not</i> politics.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>If you attach any trifling importance to veracity
+as a habit, <i>not</i> politics. If you would care at any
+time upon any subject to form your own opinions,
+and having formed them, would wish to maintain
+them, <i>not</i> politics. If you desire to be of the smallest
+service to your fellow man, and if you would sleep
+as peacefully at sixty as you now sleep at six months,
+<i>not</i> politics.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Julian!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>The Army!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Never!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>This is most distressing.&nbsp; [<i>Calling at the open
+door.</i>]&nbsp; Angèle! Angèle!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Heard outside.</i>]&nbsp; Why, Dora!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Katherine.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>enters with</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>
+<i>in walking costumes</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>How good of you to come early!&nbsp; [<i>Kissing</i>
+<span class="smcap">Egidia.</span>]&nbsp; Egidia, dearest!&nbsp; [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris.</span>]&nbsp; Good-morning,
+Keith. Ah! you&rsquo;ve brought Fergus to see
+me! The angel!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>With cries of delight</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley, Imogen</span>,
+<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span> <i>gather round</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>
+<i>and the baby</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>The pet!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>The mite!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>He is <i>too</i> sweet!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">The Three.</p>
+
+<p>Oh&mdash;h&mdash;h!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>enters</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Shaking hands with</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris.</span>]&nbsp; Hallo, what&rsquo;s
+the matter?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>With dignity.</i>]&nbsp; They are looking at my son.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Angèle</span> <i>has entered. She takes the infant from</i> <span class="smcap">Sir
+Julian.</span>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>We&rsquo;ve enjoyed a splendid hour in Bond Street&mdash;in
+and out of twenty shops, eh, girls?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, Aunt Kate.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, mamma.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Bought all we could think of and ordered the rest.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>My dear!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Then why don&rsquo;t they abolish Bond Street? It&rsquo;s
+the crucible of London&mdash;set your foot in it and
+everything about you that&rsquo;s metal dissolves.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt has been <i>too</i> extravagant this morning.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Extravagant! I! Oh, no&mdash;only I dearly wish
+there was no such plague as money. If the little
+words &ldquo;thank you&rdquo; were the one universal current
+coin, what anxieties, what cravings, what follies
+some poor women would be spared! Why can&rsquo;t
+we buy choice stuffs at three-and-a-half thank-yous
+a yard?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Aunt Kate!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Mamma!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s nothing to laugh at. Ah, girls, if &ldquo;thank
+you&rdquo; paid for everything, being out of breath would
+be our only bankruptcy! Oh, my poor brain!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>.]&nbsp; Mamma has a bad headache
+to-day, papa.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>A headache! never! Girls, what is it we bought
+and brought home with us? I forget.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>We didn&rsquo;t buy him, mamma&mdash;we met him. You
+mean Cousin Valentine.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Looking round.</i>]&nbsp; Of course&mdash;Valentine. Where
+is he?&nbsp; [<i>Calling.</i>]&nbsp; Valentine!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Valentine</span> <i>enters very plainly dressed.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. White!&nbsp; [<i>Bowing stiffly.</i>]&nbsp; How do you do?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Why, Val! What?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>We met the poor boy outside the tourists&rsquo; ticket
+office in Piccadilly. He&rsquo;s off again to-morrow.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Off! Where to?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Egypt.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>We shan&rsquo;t see him again for another ten years, I
+suppose.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, mamma!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>The odd creature has heard of a congenial tribe
+who reside in excavations cut in a rock. It&rsquo;ll end in
+my having a nephew who&rsquo;s a mummy.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Tearfully.</i>]&nbsp; Oh, don&rsquo;t!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Katherine, this child is not well.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, I am, papa&mdash;but I don&rsquo;t like&mdash;the idea&mdash;of
+parting&mdash;with anybody or anything&mdash;even a k-k-kitten.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Soothingly.</i>]&nbsp; Imogen, my dear!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Be quiet, mamma!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span>, <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>, <span class="smcap">Egidia</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Angèle</span>
+<i>with the baby go out.</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>runs after
+them.</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>resumes the study of his
+speech.</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>opens some letters
+which are lying on the table.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Valentine</span>.]&nbsp; I never knew such a queer chap!
+Come upstairs and tell us all about it&mdash;what!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Brooke</span>, <span class="smcap">Valentine</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span> <i>go out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Katherine?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s all right, pa&mdash;it&rsquo;s nothing.&nbsp; [<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; Gaylustre!&nbsp; [<i>Reading a letter.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;I will accompany
+you and dear Sir Julian to the interesting ceremony
+of this morning. Pray keep me a seat in your carriage.&rdquo;&nbsp; [<i>Crushing the letter in her hand.</i>]&nbsp; The demon!
+The relentless demon!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;I can conceive no position more agreeable to a
+Minister of the Crown&mdash;&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Pa, dear, Mrs. Gaylustre will go with us to the
+opening of the new street.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>H&rsquo;m! Katherine, are you sure that Mrs. Gaylustre
+is <i>quite</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, quite.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>If I were you I should really think twice&mdash;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, I can&rsquo;t.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Can&rsquo;t think twice?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I can&rsquo;t risk offending such a&mdash;dear friend.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>But, Katherine&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Understand me, pa&mdash;she will sit in our carriage.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Then understand <i>me</i>, Katherine, I will not have
+my knees cramped by a lady whose social status is
+equivocal.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah! Julian! Don&rsquo;t attempt to come between me
+and Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Katherine!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You will assist her into the carriage, you will help
+her to alight; when she arrives you will be charmed
+to see her, when she leaves you will be a mass of
+regret. You hear me!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>This is a most extraordinary friendship!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>It <i>is</i> an exceptional friendship. Pa, say you&rsquo;re
+delighted this great friend of mine is to be one of
+us to-day.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Well, to please you, my dear, of course, I&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Yes?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I am delighted.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To himself.</i>]&nbsp; I see&mdash;I see the change in my
+wife that Dora spoke of.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>enters with cards on a salver. At the same
+moment the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>enters and looks out of the
+window.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; They are punctual!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Looking at the cards.</i>]&nbsp; Lady Macphail and Sir
+Colin. Not at home. If ever a woman was out I am.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Probyn</span>.]&nbsp; Stop!&nbsp; [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; Kate,
+what are you doing? This visit is planned by me!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Why?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>I have a motive.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Dora!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Probyn</span>.]&nbsp; Lady Twombley will see Sir Colin
+and Lady Macphail here.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>goes out</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah! then, if you&rsquo;ll allow me&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>No, Julian. This is another family matter.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Another!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>These people have called to formally propose for
+the hand of Imogen.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>To propose!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Last night, at the ball of the Perth Highlanders,
+I danced the Strathspey and Reel with Sir Colin. In
+the excitement I wrung from him an admission of his
+affection.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Pa, what shall we do?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Do? The head of the Clan Macphail! Eighty
+thousand acres! Julian?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; If it would provide for Imogen before
+the smash!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>If Imogen is a high-minded girl she will be mad
+with delight.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Will she?&nbsp; [<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; Ah! and will she learn
+to look down on pa and me when we&rsquo;re aged
+paupers?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>enters</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Colin Macphail&mdash;Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>enters, dressed simply and quaintly
+in an old-fashioned silk gown, followed closely
+by</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>, <i>whose clothes are capacious and
+clumsy, and who seems very ill at ease</i>. <span class="smcap">Probyn</span>
+<i>withdraws</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Dear Lady Macphail&mdash;Sir Colin!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Shaking hands with</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>.]&nbsp; How do you do?&nbsp; [<i>Eyeing</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail.</span>]&nbsp; Oh, dear!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Shaking hands.</i>]&nbsp; Delighted.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>.]&nbsp; Pray sit down. You must be
+fatigued with last night&rsquo;s dance.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>No Macphail is ever fatigued. But the poor lad
+feels like a caged eagle in the dress of the South.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I am sure it is&mdash;most becoming.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Sit, lad.&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Macphail</span> <i>sits, hitching up his trousers
+unhappily</i>.]&nbsp; You know the object of our visit, Sir
+Julian?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Drumdurris has hinted&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>The boy is here to pour out the passionate torrent
+of his love for your child Imogen. Speak, Colin.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Macphail</span> <i>rouses himself, rises, and looks round</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Mother, you do it.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; [<i>He resumes his seat.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, if we were at Castle Ballocheevin, with the
+wind roaring round Ben Muchty, and the sound of
+the pipers playing by the shores of Loch-na-Doich,
+then you would hear Colin&rsquo;s voice rise loud and high.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>As we are denied these obvious advantages, it is
+almost necessary to ask you to explain&mdash;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>The lad has met your child on but three or four
+occasions.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Just three occasions and a bit, mother.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>But he loves her with a love that only a Macphail
+can experience.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Of course one would like to know precisely the
+kind of affection that is.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Naturally. Speak, Colin.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Macphail</span> <i>rises, embarrassed</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>I love her well enough.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Bravely said!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Delightful. [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span>.]
+A grand nature.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Go on, Colin.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>That&rsquo;s all, mother. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;[<i>He resumes his seat.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; You have heard the lad?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Distinctly.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>As we are all to meet next month as Lord Drumdurris&rsquo;s
+guests at Drumdurris Castle, it would be
+well if this engagement were settled at once.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Without delay.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>The question, of course, is whether Imogen&mdash;h&rsquo;m!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Whether Imogen can return the affection&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Which Sir Colin honours her by entertaining.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Has the lad your permission to pour into her ear
+such impassioned words as he has just uttered to
+us?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I think there can be no objection to <i>that</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Certainly not.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>When will your daughter grant him an hour for
+that purpose?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>An <i>hour</i>?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Three-quarters will be enough, mother.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Bravely said!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Charming!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>When, Julian?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>H&rsquo;m! when?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>When? &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;[<span class="smcap">Imogen</span>&rsquo;s <i>voice is heard outside.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Calling.</i>]&nbsp; Mamma, dear!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>When? I suggest, now. Here is Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Macphail</span> <i>rises hastily and awkwardly.</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, I didn&rsquo;t know you had visitors.&nbsp; [<i>Shaking
+hands with</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Colin</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span>.]&nbsp; Sir Colin&mdash;Lady
+Macphail.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Now, Julian, leave them together! Katherine!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen, my dear.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>comes to</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>. <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>,
+<i>the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span>, <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>
+<i>talk together.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Talk to Sir Colin for a few moments while I look
+through my speech.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Certainly, papa.&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>goes out.</i>]&nbsp; What
+an awful task! &nbsp;[<i>Taking a book from the table.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Quietly to</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>.]&nbsp; Colin, let her hear how a
+Macphail can love.&nbsp; [<i>Kissing him.</i>]&nbsp; My boy!&nbsp; [<i>To
+the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; I&rsquo;ll drive round
+to Lady Macwhirter&rsquo;s and return. Leave them!
+Ah, the pipers shall play to the home-coming of a
+bride at Castle Ballocheevin! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;[<i>She goes out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Come, Katherine. Think of it! To be the
+mother-in-law of the head of the Clan Macphail!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Dora, what&rsquo;s the use of a head with no tongue in
+it?</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>go out.</i>
+<span class="smcap">Macphail</span> <i>looks round uneasily.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To himself.</i>]&nbsp; Where&rsquo;s mother?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; Oh, why do they leave us!&nbsp; [<i>To</i>
+<span class="smcap">Macphail</span>.]&nbsp; Were you at the dance of the Perth
+Highlanders last night, Sir Colin?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Aye, I was.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Did you dance much?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Aye, I did.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; He must make the next remark.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Nerving himself and rising suddenly.</i>]&nbsp; Miss
+Twombley!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Colin!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>I&mdash;I just wish you had been there.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Do you? Why?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Because&mdash;because&mdash;because I&rsquo;m thinking there
+was room for more people.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, of course.&nbsp; [<i>She goes to the window and looks
+out.</i>]&nbsp; Lady Macphail is just driving away.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>No!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, there she goes.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Macphail</span> <i>goes hastily to the window and looks
+out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To himself.</i>]&nbsp; Oh! Mother!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He goes out quickly unnoticed by</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>She has turned the corner, Sir Colin. Did you
+see her? Why, where is he?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Valentine</span> <i>enters. She does not see him.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Good-bye, Imogen.  &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;[<i>She turns to him.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!&nbsp; [<i>Falteringly.</i>]&nbsp; Why will you go away, Val?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>You know my craze. Everything in this country
+is so stuck-up.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Mamma&rsquo;s not&mdash;stuck-up, as you call it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Her gowns frighten me. My first recollection of
+anything is Aunt Kitty in a print-skirt at a wash-tub.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Hush! don&rsquo;t, Val!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>There now! you&rsquo;re horrified!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>One doesn&rsquo;t wish everybody to know.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Then that&rsquo;s being stuck-up, Imogen.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Then we differ.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Of course. Everybody does differ from me in
+this stuck-up country. Wish me good-bye.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Looking away.</i>]&nbsp; I presume my brother Brooke
+is stuck-up also?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Well, he appears to have fallen into the starch after
+that wash of Aunt Kitty&rsquo;s.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed. And papa?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, of course, he&rsquo;s ironed out by the House of
+Commons.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>How very rude!&nbsp; [<i>Laying her hand on his arm.</i>]&nbsp; And am I&mdash;altered, Val?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Altered! The change is heart-breaking!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, how cruel!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Altered! Where are the tiny tea-things with
+which you once played at making tea in your old
+school-room? Where is the hoop you used to trundle
+in Portman Square&mdash;the skipping-rope Brooke
+and I turned for you till our arms nearly dropped
+from our shoulders? Where are the marbles I gave
+you&mdash;the top I taught you to spin? I say, where
+are these things and the jolly little girl who delighted
+in them?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>With much dignity.</i>]&nbsp; I think you&rsquo;re so violent
+that it isn&rsquo;t safe to speak to you. But I&rsquo;ll ask you
+one question.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Pray do.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Where is the good-tempered, curly-headed boy
+for whom I used to make the tea; the boy who
+taught me, very patiently, how to play the marbles
+and to spin the top?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>You see him.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, no. No, Val, no.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen! You don&rsquo;t mean, at any rate, that I&rsquo;m
+stuck-up?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>No, indeed, I think you&rsquo;re shockingly stuck-down.&nbsp; [<i>He turns away, hanging his head. She comes to
+him.</i>]&nbsp; There, now I&rsquo;ve made you ashamed of yourself.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>No, you haven&rsquo;t!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Then I will do so. Remain here. I will return
+in a moment. Don&rsquo;t stir! &nbsp;[<i>She runs out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Shall I run away? Ah, if she only knew how ardently
+I wish that she had changed still more&mdash;how
+I wish that she had grown quite unlovable or I had
+forgotten how to love her! It&rsquo;s hopeless; I <i>will</i>
+run away.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He opens the door and the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>peeps in.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>May I come in?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Eh? Oh, certainly.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; What has become of them?&nbsp; [<i>To</i>
+<span class="smcap">Valentine</span>.]&nbsp; Pardon me, have you seen my niece,
+Imogen?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>She has just left this room.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>With Sir Colin Macphail?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, no.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>A cab whistle is heard.</i> <span class="smcap">Valentine</span> <i>looks out of
+the window.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; Where is he? I shan&rsquo;t sleep till I
+know it is settled.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Here&rsquo;s Sir Colin&mdash;hailing a cab.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Ah! Something must have happened!&nbsp; [<i>She goes
+hastily towards the door;</i> <span class="smcap">Valentine</span> <i>is in her way.</i>]&nbsp; Let me pass, please! I have a motive!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She goes out as</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>enters by another door carrying
+a large old-fashioned box.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Valentine.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Why, what have you there?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>A modern young lady&rsquo;s jewel casket. Open it,
+please. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;[<i>Kneeling, he opens the box.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Looking into the box.</i>]&nbsp; Imogen! The tea-things!
+I recognize them!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>You see, I&rsquo;ve never parted with my playthings,
+Val.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Dragging out a large, faded, once gaudy doll.</i>]&nbsp; And
+here&rsquo;s Rosa! I helped to cut out Rosa&rsquo;s mantle.
+Battered old Rosa!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Taking the doll from him.</i>]&nbsp; Don&rsquo;t! Old she may
+be, but her sex should protect her from insult.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>And here are my marbles! and the top! Ah, ah!
+the skipping-rope! Imogen&mdash;perhaps&mdash;I&mdash;I&rsquo;ve
+done you an injustice.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Do you think so?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>I feared fashion had put your bright little nature
+into tight corsets&mdash;but&mdash;I see&mdash;I see&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Replacing the toys in the box.</i>]&nbsp; You see, Val.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>I see you have some affection for the time when
+you were not Miss Twombley, but only&mdash;little
+Jenny.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Not that these old dumb things prove much.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Val!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>They prove their own existence&mdash;not the existence
+of little Jenny.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Crying.</i>]&nbsp; How unjust you are!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps. But your words and actions are so unlike.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Wiping her eyes upon the doll&rsquo;s frock.</i>]&nbsp; No, no.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>I fancy we are children again when I hear you;
+but when I see your prim figure and stately walk I
+miss the little girl whose hair never submitted to a
+ribbon or a hairpin&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Impulsively she lets down her hair and disorders
+it wildly.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Not observing her.</i>]&nbsp; I miss the little Jenny with
+a tumbled frock,&nbsp; [<i>She quickly disarranges her bow
+and sash.</i>]&nbsp; the thoughtless romp who was generally
+minus one shoe!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Fiercely.</i>]&nbsp; Valentine!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She takes off a shoe and flings it away.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Jenny!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Now! play! play marbles!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>What!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Play marbles!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>They go down upon their knees, she deliberately
+arranges the marbles for the game, he staring
+at her blankly.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>My mark&mdash;play.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>I beg your pardon, Jenny&mdash;I&rsquo;ve been all wrong.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>You have indeed, Val. Play.&nbsp; [<i>He plays seriously.</i>]&nbsp; Not within a mile of it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>My eye is quite out.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>My turn.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>By Jupiter, you&rsquo;re still a crack at it!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Am I? Then which of us has changed&mdash;you or
+I?&nbsp; [<i>She lays her hand on his.</i>]&nbsp; Val, don&rsquo;t go away
+and live in a rock.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>What am I to do? I&rsquo;m poor, Jenny, and I suppose
+I&rsquo;m crazy.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Any sort of horrid life would suit you, wouldn&rsquo;t
+it?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>I suppose it would.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Then ask Lord Drumdurris to make you a bailiff
+or a head gamekeeper at Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Not rough enough.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Why, you could get dreadfully dirty and wet
+through there every day.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>That&rsquo;s true.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>And, Val, we&rsquo;re all going up to Drumdurris next
+month.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Are you?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, and if you like, I&mdash;I&rsquo;ll bring the marbles.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen! Oh, I say! what?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Do you ever play marbles now, Brooke?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Marbles, no! Billiards.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Valentine</span> <i>collects the marbles, and puts them
+into the box.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span>.]  &nbsp;Keith! Oh, Keith, do me a
+favour!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Certainly.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Offer my poor cousin, Mr. White, some post in or
+about Drumdurris Castle.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>What kind of post?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Some wretched, inferior position in which he
+needn&rsquo;t be very polite.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>What will he say if I propose such a thing?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>He&rsquo;ll be extremely rude, I think. But, oh, I
+shall be so grateful, Keith.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen! Child, what has happened to your
+head?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>I&mdash;I&rsquo;ve been playing marbles, mamma.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Not on your head?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>No, mamma, upon the floor.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>With Sir Colin?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Certainly not, mamma; I don&rsquo;t know Sir Colin
+nearly well enough to sit with him upon the floor. &nbsp;
+[<i>Putting up her hair.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Darling, has Sir Colin made any remark of an interesting
+nature?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>No&mdash;he stammered a little, and, while my back
+was turned, he ran away after his mammy.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; I knew it! Why didn&rsquo;t we lock him
+in till he had provided for my poor child&rsquo;s future?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>enters.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Probyn.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Gaylustre is here, my lady.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, that person!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>snatches up the box of playthings and hurries
+out.</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>enters.</i> <span class="smcap">Probyn</span> <i>retires.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To everybody.</i>]&nbsp; How d&rsquo;ye do? How d&rsquo;ye do?
+Lord Drumdurris, charmed to see you. How are
+you, Brooke?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To himself.</i>]&nbsp; Brooke! Impudence!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>You look bilious, Kate.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She kisses</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>, <i>who sinks on to the
+settee.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span>.]&nbsp; It&rsquo;s too bad of the Mater!
+Fancy a fellow making a chum of his tailor&mdash;what?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. White, may I speak to you?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Brooke</span>, <span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Valentine</span> <i>go out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Examining the flute.</i>]&nbsp; Pa has been tootling
+again, Kate&mdash;we must buy him a drum.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah&mdash;h&mdash;h&mdash;h!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Hullo! What&rsquo;s the matter?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>As if you didn&rsquo;t know! Oh, those awful bits of
+paper!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Still worrying about those little Bills of yours
+which my brother Joseph holds, eh?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Those Bills! Why doesn&rsquo;t the ink fade that&rsquo;s on
+them, or the house burn that holds &rsquo;em?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Impossible. Joseph and I have been taught to
+believe that there is a special Providence watching
+over all Bills of Exchange. Come, don&rsquo;t fume&mdash;Bill
+Number One doesn&rsquo;t fall due till next month.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Gaylustre, I shan&rsquo;t be able to meet it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Shan&rsquo;t you? Well, I dare say Jo and I will renew&mdash;if
+you make much of us and pet us. Meanwhile,
+don&rsquo;t think of the Bills.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Think of &rsquo;em! I eat them&mdash;they&rsquo;re on every
+<i>ménu</i>; I drink them&mdash;they label the champagne.
+My pillows are stuffed with them, for I hear their
+rustle when I turn my restless head. Small as those
+strips of blue are, they paper every wall of my
+home!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>I should drive out, then, as much as possible.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>When I do the sky is blue!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Carelessly taking up a newspaper.</i>]&nbsp; At what time
+do we leave here?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Julian and I start at twelve.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>See that I&rsquo;m not squeezed up in the carriage. I
+don&rsquo;t play at sardines in this gown.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Talking of sardines, I shall lunch here to-day, <i>en
+famille</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Gaylustre! you fiend! I&mdash;I can&rsquo;t stand it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Don&rsquo;t quite see how you&rsquo;re going to get out of it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s true I owe that brother of yours thousands.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Well, we <i>have</i> kept your establishment going for
+some time.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>But I don&rsquo;t owe <i>you</i> as much as a linen button!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Jo and I are one.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No! I&rsquo;ll never believe that a man&mdash;even a
+money-lender&mdash;would dance a set of devilish quadrilles
+on a lady when she&rsquo;s down, as you&rsquo;re doing.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Ha, ha!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I saw your brother on that one fatal night. Common
+person that he is, he must have a heart under
+his vulgar waistcoat.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Be careful! Don&rsquo;t insult my Jo!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I compliment him! I will appeal to him to protect
+me from your claws, Gaylustre!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, you will, will you?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I will.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Very well then&mdash;do it! Kate Twombley, go to
+that door and call my brother Jo!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>What!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Do it!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>What&mdash;do you&mdash;mean?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Open that door and call Jo!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No, no!&nbsp; [<i>She opens the door and looks out.</i>]&nbsp; You are only frightening me!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Call&mdash;Mr. Lebanon!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Lebanon!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Outside.</i>]&nbsp; Heah!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>utters a cry of horror as</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Joseph
+Lebanon</span> <i>enters&mdash;a smartly dressed, unctuous,
+middle-aged person, of a most pronounced common
+Semitic type, with a bland manner and a contented
+smile.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Twombley, delighted to find myself in your
+elegant &rsquo;ouse. Most <i>recherché</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>How do you come here?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Fan brought me.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>How dare she?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>&rsquo;Ow dare she? H&rsquo;m! Fan, I &rsquo;ope and trust not
+a coolness between you and Lady T.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>sinks into a chair.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>She was dying to see you&mdash;there&rsquo;s no pleasing
+her.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Dyin&rsquo; to see me! Flattered&mdash;flattered.&nbsp; [<i>He sits in
+close proximity to</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; Deah Lady T,
+you and I and nobody by, eh? Excuse my humour.
+&rsquo;Ow can I &rsquo;ave the honour of servin&rsquo; you? Don&rsquo;t
+&rsquo;esitate, Lady T, don&rsquo;t &rsquo;esitate.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I only wanted&mdash;to beg you&mdash;to rid me of that
+viper.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>That&rsquo;s going a little too far!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>There <i>is</i> a coolness&mdash;a triflin&rsquo;, temporary coolness.
+Fan, be reasonable&mdash;Lady T, be forgivin&rsquo;. Kiss and
+be friends.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I know that you&rsquo;ve got me&mdash;what&rsquo;s the expression?&mdash;on
+something or another.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I &rsquo;ope &ldquo;toast&rdquo; is not the word you requiah, Lady
+Twombley?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, yes, on toast.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Lady T.! Lady T.!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I know that if I can&rsquo;t meet those awful Bills you
+can drag my name into the papers, and set all London
+grinning for a month.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Oh! Oh, Fan, is that my way of doin&rsquo; business?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>If you&rsquo;re a nice, honest man&mdash;as you look&mdash;you&rsquo;ll
+take her away, and never, either of you, show your
+ugl&mdash;show your faces here again.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, Lady T., now we come to the aim and object
+of the mornin&rsquo; call which I have the &rsquo;appiness of
+making on you. Fan, you haven&rsquo;t explained to Lady
+T. You really must cut in.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>I shan&rsquo;t. Explain yourself.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lebanon</span> <i>rises, replacing his chair.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>My dear Lady T., the long and the short of it is
+that Fan and I have considerable social ambition.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You too! Not <i>you</i>!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>And why not? Fanny, cut in!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Go on, Jo dear.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Twombley, it has been the desiah of Fan
+and self, ever since that period of our lives which I
+may describe as our checkered child&rsquo;ood, to reach
+the top of the social tree.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Hah!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Twombley, you&rsquo;ll pardon my remarking that
+you are a little trying. I say, Fan and I desiah to
+reach the top of the social tree, where the cocoanuts
+are. Excuse my humour. Fan&rsquo;s had a whirl or two
+in the circles of fashion.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>She! A hanger-on to the skirts of Society!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>And very good skirts too when she makes &rsquo;em.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Jo, drop that.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Excuse my humour, Fan. As for me, from those
+early boy&rsquo;ood&rsquo;s days when I made temporary ad<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span>vances
+of ha&rsquo;pence to my sister Fanny, promptly and
+without inquiry, I have devoted myself to finance.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Finance!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>But now, Lady T&mdash;to use a poetic figure&mdash;I am
+prepared to cut an eight on the frozen lake of
+gentility.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Man!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I ignore the innuendo. Lady Twombley, I am
+aware that for a successful <i>entrée</i> into Society I
+requiah a&mdash;ha&mdash;a substantial guarantee. I &rsquo;ave,
+therefore, the honour and the &rsquo;appiness to put myself
+under your sheltering and I &rsquo;ope sympathetic wing.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You&mdash;you will drive me mad! You won&rsquo;t dare to
+call here, to contaminate my bell-handle, to send up
+your hideous name!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Fan, I really can&rsquo;t! This is descendin&rsquo; to a
+mere wrangle. Pray cut in.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>No, Lady Twombley, as the Season is drawing to
+a close, Joseph certainly does not intend to attach
+himself to your London establishment.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Not for Joseph&mdash;excuse my humour.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>But he and I do mean to take our flight from
+town with the rest of the swallows.&nbsp; [<i>Pointing to a
+paragraph in the journal she still carries.</i>]&nbsp; Look here,
+we saw this paragraph in the paper yesterday.
+Read it.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>knocks the paper to the ground.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Insolent!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Jo, pet&mdash;read it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Fanny, this is really most trying.&nbsp; [<i>Picking up the
+paper and reading.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;There are already signs of an
+exodus from town. Among the first of the notabilities
+to turn their faces northward are Sir
+Julian and Lady Twombley, who will spend the
+autumn at Drumdurris Castle as the guests of
+their nephew, Lord Drumdurris.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>What is this to you?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>What&rsquo;s that to us!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Fan, what&rsquo;s that to us! Lady Twombley, we entertain
+a not unreasonable desiah to spend <i>our</i> autumn
+at Drumdurris Castle.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>In the kitchen?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Fan, I really can&rsquo;t! You must cut in again.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>As the guests of Lord Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Never!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Bill Number One falls due next month when you
+are at Drumdurris Castle!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>No, no! Fan, do <i>not</i> mix up business with friendship.
+You know my rule.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Get us to Drumdurris and we renew!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Fanny, how plainly you put it! Don&rsquo;t!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Never!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Mr. Melton</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Melton.</p>
+
+<p>The carriages are here, Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I&mdash;I&rsquo;ll come.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span> <i>enters talking to</i> <span class="smcap">Valentine</span>. <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>,
+<span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>follow; then</i> <span class="smcap">Egidia</span>
+<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Angèle</span> <i>with the infant.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; Introduce me!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Never!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; Introduce him!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I will not!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Twombley!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He produces his pocketbook, opens it, and gives
+her a glimpse of the Bills.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>The Bills! Oh!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She makes a futile snatch at the pocketbook.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Twombley, introduce me!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>enters, intent upon his speech, the MS. of
+which he carries in his hand.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To himself.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;I can conceive no position more
+agreeable to a Minister of the Crown&mdash;&mdash;&rdquo;&nbsp; [<i>Seeing</i>
+<span class="smcap">Lebanon</span>.]&nbsp; Eh?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Whispering to</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; Now!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Julian, Lord Drumdurris, Brooke, let me introduce
+to you&mdash;Mr. Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Triumphantly to herself.</i>]&nbsp; Ah!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Triumphantly to himself.</i>]&nbsp; Ah!&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Lebanon</span> <i>grasps</i>
+<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>&rsquo;s <i>hand warmly.</i>]&nbsp; De-lighted to find
+myself in your elegant &rsquo;ouse. Most <i>recherché</i>.&nbsp; [<i>Shaking
+hands with all the others.</i>]&nbsp; You all know my
+sister Fan. Elegant &rsquo;ouse this. Most <i>recherché</i>.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>runs to</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>and taking
+a flower from her dress fastens it in his coat.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Outside.</i>]&nbsp; Katherine!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>enters with her arm through</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>&rsquo;s,
+<span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>following.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;ve found the truant. He had a motive.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Quietly to</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span>.]&nbsp; Who&rsquo;s the Judy?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lebanon</span>.]&nbsp; Old Lady Drum.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!&nbsp; [<i>Turning to the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>and seizing her
+hand.</i>]&nbsp; De-lighted! &rsquo;Ope to have the pleashah of
+meetin&rsquo; you up North.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Katherine!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>There is a general expression of astonishment,
+and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>sinks upon the settee.</i>]</p>
+
+
+<p class="center"><big>END OF THE SECOND ACT.</big></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="THE_THIRD_ACT" id="THE_THIRD_ACT"></a>THE THIRD ACT.</h2>
+
+<p class="spkr"><big>Disaster.</big></p>
+
+<p><i>The scene is the inner hall at Drumdurris Castle,
+Perthshire, leading on one side to the outer hall,
+and on the other to the picture gallery. It is
+solidly and comfortably furnished, and a fire is
+burning in the grate of the large oaken fireplace.
+It is an afternoon in August.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>is sitting at the table reading over a letter she
+has written.</i></p>
+
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Dear Mr. White.&rdquo; I shall never call him Valentine
+again, except in my thoughts.&nbsp; [<i>Reading.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;Dear Mr. White, I am sorry to hear that you are
+discontented with your recent appointment to the
+Deputy-Assistant-Head-Gamekeepership on the
+Drumdurris estate, and that you consider it a sinecure
+fit only for a debilitated peer.&rdquo; Now for it.&nbsp; [<i>Resuming.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;Permit me to take this opportunity of
+informing you that I have at length consented to an
+engagement between myself and Sir Colin Macphail
+of Ballocheevin.&rdquo; Oh, how awful it looks in ink!&nbsp; [<i>Resuming.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;As it is becoming that I should support
+such a position with dignity I would prefer
+not encountering your dislike to &lsquo;stuck-up people&rsquo;
+by ever seeing you again.&rdquo; Oh, Val. <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span>&ldquo;I therefore
+suggest that you obtain a nastier appointment
+than that of Deputy-Assistant-Head-Gamekeeper at
+Drumdurris without delay.&rdquo; That will do&mdash;beautifully.&nbsp; [<i>In tears.</i>]&nbsp; Oh, Val, why have you never
+spoken? I know you are poor, but I would have
+gone away with you and lived cheerfully and economically
+in that rock if you had but asked me.
+Why, why have you never asked me?</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She sits on a footstool looking into the fire.</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>,
+<i>in shooting dress, strolls in with</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>.
+<i>They do not see </i><span class="smcap">Imogen</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Coolly.</i>]&nbsp; Well, then, Effie, I suppose I may regard
+our engagement as a fixture&mdash;what? I needn&rsquo;t
+say you&rsquo;ll find me an excellent husband.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Thanks, awfully. But perhaps you had better
+mention the subject to me again at some other
+time.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Well, I shall be rather busy for the next week or
+two.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, quite as you please.&nbsp; [<i>Giving him her hand.</i>]&nbsp; But you are really <i>too</i> impetuous.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Not at all.&nbsp; [<i>About to kiss her.</i>]&nbsp; You&rsquo;ll permit me,
+naturally?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Languidly turning her cheek toward him.</i>]&nbsp; Of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span>
+course. Be careful of my hair&mdash;it will not be
+dressed again before lunch.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He kisses her cheek cautiously.</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>rises
+without seeing them</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>.]&nbsp; Somebody.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>They stroll away in opposite directions</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>After all, as he has never been a lover, why
+shouldn&rsquo;t I see him and mention my engagement in
+a calm, cool, ladylike way?&nbsp; [<i>Tearing up the letter
+passionately.</i>]&nbsp; I must see him once more&mdash;in a
+calm, cool, ladylike way. I&rsquo;ll write just a line asking
+him to come to me this morning.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>As she sits to write</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>
+<i>stroll in again and meet each other</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>.]&nbsp; Good-morning.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>.]&nbsp; Good-morning.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Why, it&rsquo;s Imogen! Oh, let me congratulate you.&nbsp; [<i>Kissing her.</i>]&nbsp; The news is too delightful.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Thank you.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Accept my congratulations also. Splendid fellow,
+Macphail; not one of those men who talk the top of
+your head off.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Writing.</i>]&nbsp; No, not quite. Brooke, dear, will
+you give Mr. White a little note from me?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Certainly. By the bye, while I think of it, you&rsquo;ll
+be glad to hear that Effie has honored me by consenting
+to&mdash;er&mdash;marry me&mdash;what!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Effie!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>How your mind does run on that subject, Brooke!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Throwing her arms round</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia&rsquo;s</span> <i>neck.</i>]&nbsp; What happy people, both of you!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>My hair!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Kissing</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke.</span>]&nbsp; A thousand congratulations,
+my dear, clever, old brother!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>The bother with mamma will be too wearying.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Why a bother?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>About my pecuniary position, don&rsquo;t you know.
+You&rsquo;ll hardly credit it, but I haven&rsquo;t the least idea
+what pa intends to do for me.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>But it doesn&rsquo;t matter about that, so that you are
+deeply attached to each other.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Imogen, that&rsquo;s <i>too</i> ridiculous!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Quite absurd&mdash;what!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Besides, if you want money you can work.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, it&rsquo;s no good everybody working. It&rsquo;s this
+stupid all-round desire to work that throws so many
+men out of employment. I&rsquo;ll look for Valentine.&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>gives him her note.</i>]&nbsp; He&rsquo;s sure to be about.
+We&rsquo;re going to shoot over Claigrossie Moor this
+morning.&nbsp; [<i>He goes out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>So you&rsquo;ve made up your mind at last?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>No; other people have made it up for me.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Mamma?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, Aunt Dora is the principal person who has
+rendered my life a burden to me.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Imogen!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s true. Every hour of the livelong day Aunt
+Dora has goaded me on to this desirable, detestable
+match; even at night she has stalked into my
+room with a lighted candle, startling me out of my
+beauty sleep, to tell me she will never rest till I am
+Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen, it&rsquo;s <i>too</i> kind of mamma to take this interest
+in you.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Interest! It&rsquo;s torture. And at last she threatened
+that if I married anybody else she would expire
+in great pain and appear to me constantly, a
+ghost, in her night-gown. Well, you&rsquo;ve seen Aunt
+Dora in her night-gown&mdash;you can guess my feelings.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>And that decided you.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>I went to mamma and asked her advice.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>I guess what that was.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Mamma&rsquo;s expression was that she&rsquo;d give the heels
+off her best shoes to see me provided for. And so,
+late last night, while my maid Phipps was washing
+my head, I gasped out a soapy sort of yes.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>enters.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Where is Imogen?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Here, mamma.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Embracing</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen.</span>]&nbsp; My favorite niece! I have
+just learned your decision over the breakfast-table.
+I was eating cold grouse at the moment; I thought
+I should have choked.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>I hope you are satisfied, aunt.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Thoroughly. I feel now that I shall die, a great
+many years hence, a contented woman. Effie.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, mamma?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Don&rsquo;t think you&rsquo;re neglected, child. I cannot
+provide for everybody at once.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>No, mamma.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>But having completely settled Imogen, I shall
+commence the adjustment of your future after lunch.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Dear Lady Macphail! What glorious news!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Rapturously, with her hand upraised.</i>]&nbsp; Now let
+the worn banner of the Macphail be run up on the
+crumbling tower of Castle Ballocheevin!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Certainly&mdash;by all means.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Now let the roar of the pipes startle the eaglets on
+the summit of black Ben-Muchty!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>I hope such arrangements will be made.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Let the shriek of the wild birds resound on the
+shores of Loch-na-Doich!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Bringing</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>forward</i>.]&nbsp; But you haven&rsquo;t seen
+Imogen yet.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Embracing her.</i>]&nbsp; Child! Ah, when Colin learns
+your answer to his suit you shall listen to such words
+as none but a Macphail can utter to his betrothed.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Doesn&rsquo;t he know?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Not yet. He went out early to watch the sun
+gild the gray peak of Ben-Auchter.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>enters, looking very troubled.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Mamma.&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span>, <i>the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span>, <i>and</i>
+<span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span> <i>talk together.</i>]&nbsp; Mamma, everybody
+has congratulated me. Have you nothing to say?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>places her hand fondly on</i>
+<span class="smcap">Imogen</span>&rsquo;s <i>head.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>In a sepulchral voice.</i>]&nbsp; Did Phipps dry your head
+thoroughly last night?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, mamma.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Then all&rsquo;s well, I suppose.&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Sir Julian&rsquo;s</span> <i>flute is
+heard. To herself.</i>]&nbsp; The first Bill&mdash;the first Bill due
+next week.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She sits staring at the fire as</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>enters,
+playing the flute.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Papa.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen, my dear, amidst severe official worries<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>
+I must not omit to join in the general pæan of rejoicing.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Thank you, papa.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Colin may lack that inexhaustible flow of
+anecdote with which I have often been credited.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>He may, papa.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>But I confess I respect a man who will sit for
+hours without saying anything. I wish there were
+more like him in the House.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Julian, let the newspapers have the details of
+Imogen&rsquo;s engagement without delay.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, no, aunt! Not yet.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen, if I may use such an expression&mdash;fall-lall!
+Suffice it, I have a motive.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>But why the papers?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>It is our duty to our friends. Do you think if
+anything serious happened to me, my friends
+wouldn&rsquo;t like to hear of it without delay? Julian!&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>writes</i>.]&nbsp; Besides, it will be current talk
+at the dance to-morrow night.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>The dance! Aye! To-morrow night they shall
+see a Macphail lead the Strathspey with the girl who
+is to be his bride!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>No, indeed they won&rsquo;t!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>What!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>I can&rsquo;t make myself so supremely ridiculous.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Ridiculous!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Imogen!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>My dear!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>closes her eyes.</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>
+<i>and the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>take her hands.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Sir Julian Twombley</span> and <span class="smcap">Dowager</span>.</p>
+
+<p>My dear Lady Macphail!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Here is Sir Colin!</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Dowager</span> and <span class="smcap">Sir Julian Twombley</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>My boy!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Why, he is with Mrs. Gaylustre!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>That woman!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>That woman!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>That woman!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>That woman!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Macphail</span> <i>enters with</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span>, <i>he in Highland
+dress, she wearing a showy costume of tweed tartan
+with a Scotch bonnet.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Colin, lad!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Eh, mother?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Dear Sir Colin gave me his arm to the top of Ben-Auchter.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Dowager</span> and <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail.</span></p>
+
+<p>To the top of Ben-Auchter!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>With an anxious glance at</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre.</span>]&nbsp; Just
+to see the sun rise.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Quietly to</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian.</span>]&nbsp; Julian, that&rsquo;s scandalous!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>I thought you always witnessed the sun rise alone,
+Colin.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>As a rule, mother.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; That woman has a motive.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Pointing to</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen.</span>]&nbsp; My son, look&mdash;here is Imogen.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen.</span>]&nbsp; Good-morning.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Colin, lad, don&rsquo;t you guess?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>No, mother.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Rapturously.</i>]&nbsp; Now let the worn banner of the
+Macphail be run up on the crumbling tower of Castle
+Ballocheevin!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Vacantly.</i>]&nbsp; For what reason, mother?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Now let the shriek of the wild birds sound on the
+shores of Loch-na-Doich!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Why?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Embracing</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail.</span>]&nbsp; Imogen is to be your
+bride.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Blankly.</i>]&nbsp; Oh!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>, <i>the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>
+<i>congratulate him.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Most gratified!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>I have a mother&rsquo;s yearnings toward you.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>We are <i>too</i> rejoiced!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; They&rsquo;ve hooked him!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Bringing</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span> <i>down.</i>]&nbsp; Hush! Speak to her,
+Colin, lad. Let her hear how a Macphail greets the
+woman of his choice.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>joins</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>, <i>the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span>,
+<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>, <i>while they all watch</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>
+<i>as he approaches</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen.</span>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Listen!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen.</span>]&nbsp; Er&mdash;I&rsquo;m very much obliged to ye.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Bravely spoken!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>A grand nature!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Thank you, Sir Colin. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;[<i>She joins the others.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>, <i>seizing his hand.</i>]&nbsp; May your life be
+very, very blissful!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Uneasily, withdrawing his hand.</i>]&nbsp; Mother&rsquo;s looking.
+&nbsp; [<i>He joins the rest.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; They&rsquo;ve hooked my Scotch salmon;
+but they haven&rsquo;t landed him yet!&nbsp; [<i>Intercepting</i>
+<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>as she advances towards the group.</i>]&nbsp; Kate!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Reptile!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;m not at all satisfied with the way things are
+going on here.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Aren&rsquo;t you? I think things are beautifully smooth.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;m pretty comfortable at Drumdurris myself,
+thank you; but I&rsquo;m getting extremely anxious about
+Joseph.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>So am I.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;m afraid Joseph isn&rsquo;t enjoying his little holiday
+at all. Did you observe him at dinner last night?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Who could help it? The man eats enough for
+six.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>He&rsquo;s obliged to, his holiday being so brief. But
+these fine folks treat him as contemptuously as if he
+were a snail in a cabbage.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Then why does he talk with the leg of a grouse
+sticking out of the side of his mouth? Why does
+he drink people&rsquo;s health across the table and call
+the men-servants &ldquo;old chaps?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Dear Jo! There&rsquo;s nothing classy about him.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span>, <i>in shooting dress, enters, carrying a
+light wooden box.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Why does he swallow his knife and build pyramids
+with his bread; and tell long stories with no
+meaning at all or else with two?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Well, you must take Jo as Heaven made him.
+So you&rsquo;d better make things smooth for him with
+Lord Drumdurris. If not&mdash;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>If not?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>If not, Jo might, after all, decline to renew.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>And then there would be the devil to pay,
+wouldn&rsquo;t there?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>As far as I can see there are two devils to pay
+already.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Ha, ha! Here&rsquo;s Drumdurris. Remember.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>After talking to the others</i>, <span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span> <i>approaches</i>
+<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>, <i>bowing stiffly to</i>
+<span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span>, <i>who shakes her fist behind his
+back,</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>gives a small nervous
+shriek.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>With her hand to her heart.</i>]&nbsp; Spasms.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Smiling sweetly at</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris.</span>]&nbsp; Delightful
+morning.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She takes up a newspaper.</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady
+Euphemia</span> <i>stroll out.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris.</span>]&nbsp; Keith, dear, I want to say a
+word to you about&mdash;dear Mr. Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Ah! Aunt!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Have patience, Keith!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Patience!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>When I begged you to entertain him at Drumdurris
+I didn&rsquo;t deceive you. I distinctly told you
+he was one of nature&rsquo;s noblemen.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>I would do much to please you, Aunt Kate, but
+this individual and his sister&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You must follow the democratic tendencies of the
+age, Keith. The peer must go hand in hand with
+the pig.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, but let it be the companionable, clubable
+pig. Oh, I have just left him at the breakfast-table.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Is he making a tolerable breakfast this morning?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>He seems to be making every breakfast in Great
+Britain.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I see him at it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>He consumes enough coffee to put a fire out.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Yes; and he swoops down on a cold bird like a
+vulture.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s hideous to see him hurl himself at an omelette.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I know; and with eggs he&rsquo;s a conjurer. What&rsquo;s
+he engaged on now?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>When I left him he was an unrecognizable mass
+of marmalade. He must go!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Don&rsquo;t disregard the sacred laws of hospitality!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>I must. At another time I might endure him,
+but now when I am utterly crushed by my own
+agonizing trouble&mdash;&mdash; Hark!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>What&rsquo;s the matter?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>My son.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Angèle</span> <i>appears with the infant.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Mysteriously.</i>]&nbsp; Is it alright, milord?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Hush!&nbsp; [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley.</span>]&nbsp; Is Egidia there?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span> <i>re-enter.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>joins</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady
+Euphemia.</span>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Angèle.</span>]&nbsp; All right.&nbsp; [<i>Fondly to the infant.</i>]&nbsp; My soldier boy!&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Angèle</span> <i>advances to</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris.</span>
+<i>He produces a small toy gun and a little drum from a
+box he carries and hands them to</i> <span class="smcap">Angèle.</span>]&nbsp; Don&rsquo;t let
+Lady Drumdurris discover these.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>No.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Above all, let the drum be muffled.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>Yees, milord.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>I expect some small cannon by the evening post.
+Go.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>comes between</i> <span class="smcap">Angèle</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span>,
+<i>the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>following.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, miladi!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>I am right, then.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She takes the toys from</i> <span class="smcap">Angèle</span> <i>and points to
+the door.</i> <span class="smcap">Angèle</span> <i>withdraws with the infant.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Keith&mdash;Egidia! Don&rsquo;t disagree here!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris.</span>]&nbsp; I was loth to credit you with
+such treachery.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Name some convenient hour to disagree this
+afternoon. I will willingly be present.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>I have long suspected this conspiracy to anticipate
+my son&rsquo;s mature judgment. Keith, there is a
+gulf between us which can never be bridged over.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>joins the others.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Mother, my life is wasted.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Valentine</span>, <i>roughly dressed in cords and gaiters,
+enters, followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke.</span>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Are you ready, Lord Drumdurris?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>We are waiting, I presume, for Mr. Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;ll go and stir him up. Ugh! What!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>goes out</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>You&rsquo;ll not join us, Sir Julian?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I daren&rsquo;t. Melton has arrived from town with a
+mass of papers for my signature.&nbsp; [<i>Quietly to</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span>.]&nbsp; The Rajputana Canal Question is wearing
+me out.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Whispering to</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>.]&nbsp; I have your note. I&rsquo;ll
+return in a few minutes.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Outside.</i>]&nbsp; Shootin&rsquo;, my dear sir! When I was in
+the South &rsquo;Ampstead Artillery I could have shown
+you what shootin&rsquo; was.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>There&rsquo;s Jo. &nbsp;[<i>She goes out to meet</i> <span class="smcap">Lebanon</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">All.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>With various expressions of disgust.</i>]&nbsp; Ugh! that
+man!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>All gather into groups, as</i> <span class="smcap">Lebanon</span>, <i>looking very
+ridiculous in Highland costume, enters, followed
+by</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke.</span>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Slapping</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span> <i>on the back.</i>]&nbsp; Mac, dear old
+boy, &rsquo;aven&rsquo;t seen you this morning.&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Macphail</span> <i>turns
+away distrustfully.</i>]&nbsp; Lady Mac, I &rsquo;ear delightful
+whispers.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Sir?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>An approachin&rsquo; &rsquo;appy event. We&rsquo;re like the
+doves&mdash;we&rsquo;re pairin&rsquo; off, hey; we&rsquo;re pairin&rsquo; off?&nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>stares at him and turns away. He
+wipes his forehead anxiously.</i>]&nbsp; It&rsquo;s a little difficult to
+keep up a long conversation with &rsquo;em. They&rsquo;re not
+what I should term Rattlers.&nbsp; [<i>Eyeing</i> <span class="smcap">Egidia</span>.]&nbsp; The
+fair &rsquo;ostess. Ahem! We missed you at the breakfast-table,
+Lady Drum. Can&rsquo;t congratulate you on your
+peck&mdash;excuse my humour.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>stares at him and joins</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span>.]&nbsp; [<i>To himself.</i>]&nbsp; They&rsquo;re a chatty lot; I must say
+they&rsquo;re a chatty lot. I wish Fanny would stick by me
+and cut in occasionally. There&rsquo;s Lady T. <i>She</i> can&rsquo;t
+ride the &rsquo;igh &rsquo;orse, at any rate. Lady T.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Lebanon?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>You didn&rsquo;t honour me with my game of crib last
+night.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I&mdash;I had a headache.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Never &rsquo;ad a &rsquo;eadache in my life&mdash;don&rsquo;t know &rsquo;ow
+it&rsquo;s spelt.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s spelt with an H.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>, <i>offering her flowers from his
+coat.</i>]&nbsp; Lady Effie, my floral offering.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span> <i>catches up her skirts and sweeps
+past him.</i>]</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To himself.</i>]&nbsp; Chatty, hey? Chatty?&nbsp; [<i>He comes
+face to face with the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span>, <i>who glares at him.</i>]&nbsp; Hah! H&rsquo;m!&nbsp; [<i>Offering her the flowers.</i>]&nbsp; I&mdash;ah&mdash;had
+these picked for you, by Jove, I did. A present
+from Joseph.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>What, sir!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Replacing the flowers in his coat.</i>]&nbsp; Excuse my
+humour.&nbsp; [<i>Wiping his brow again.</i>]&nbsp; Chatty! I do
+wish Fan would cut in and help me.&nbsp; [<i>Slaps</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>
+<i>on the shoulder.</i>]&nbsp; Twombley, old fellow.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Sir!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Not comin&rsquo; out with us to-day, hey?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Gettin&rsquo; past it, I suppose?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I am kept indoors by pressure of work, Mr.
+Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, of course, the Rajputana Canal Question, hey?
+I&rsquo;m a big shareholder in the Rajputana Railway, yer
+know. I say, tell me&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I cannot discuss official matters with you.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>turns from him.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To himself as he sits down.</i>]&nbsp; Chatty! Chatty!
+I know what this&rsquo;ll end in. It&rsquo;ll end in my standin&rsquo;
+on my dignity. Where&rsquo;s Fanny?&nbsp; [<i>Addressing the
+others.</i>]&nbsp; Talkin&rsquo; about shootin&rsquo;, I&rsquo;ll tell you an
+amusin&rsquo; little story.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>and others sotto voce.</i>]&nbsp; No, no!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s all about myself.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Whispering to the others.</i>]&nbsp; Good-bye. We&rsquo;re off.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>There is a general movement, the ladies and</i> <span class="smcap">Sir
+Julian</span> <i>saying good-bye to the shooters, unnoticed
+by</i> <span class="smcap">Lebanon</span>, <i>who has his back to them.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I was spendin&rsquo; a day or two down in Essex with
+my old friend, Captain Bolter, South &rsquo;Ampstead
+Artillery. Dear old Tom&mdash;great favourite with the
+gals. Excuse my humour.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>, <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>, <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia Vibart</span>,
+<span class="smcap">Sir Julian Twombley</span>, <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span>,
+and <span class="smcap">Dowager</span>.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Quietly to the shooters.</i>]&nbsp; Good-bye.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>It was wild-fowl Tom and I were after. We were
+lyin&rsquo; in a ditch waitin&rsquo; for the ducks to drift in with
+the tide.&nbsp; [<i>As</i> <span class="smcap">Lebanon</span> <i>continues his story all the
+others gradually and quietly disperse.</i>]&nbsp; I counted fifty-seven
+birds through my glass. So said I to Tom,
+&ldquo;Tom, I&rsquo;m in dooced good form, my boy.&rdquo; &ldquo;Devil
+you are!&rdquo; said Tom. &ldquo;And I lay you a pony to a
+penny that fifteen of those birds fall to my gun.&rdquo;
+&ldquo;Done!&rdquo; said Tom.&nbsp; [<i>He is now alone in the room.</i>]&nbsp; Well, to make a short story a long one&mdash;excuse my
+humour&mdash;Tom sneezed. Up I got. So did the
+ducks. And then what the dooce d&rsquo;ye think
+&rsquo;appened? I say, what the dooce d&rsquo;ye think&mdash;&mdash;&nbsp; [<i>Discovering that he is alone.</i>]&nbsp; Well, I&rsquo;m&mdash;&mdash; Chatty,
+ain&rsquo;t they? Chatty!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Jo! why aren&rsquo;t you with the shooters?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Why! They hooked it while I was tellin &rsquo;em the
+tale of Tom Bolter and the ducks.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Never mind, my pet.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s rude&mdash;that&rsquo;s what it is&mdash;it&rsquo;s dooced rude.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Come along, we&rsquo;ll walk on to the moor.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>What, are you going too, Fan?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, dear. Your poor Fanny has a little bit of
+fun on.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Fan, if I only &rsquo;ad your confidence, your push.
+But the rudeness of these people is gettin&rsquo; on my
+nerves.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Why, Joseph!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I feel a little &rsquo;urt, Fan&mdash;a little &rsquo;urt.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Valentine</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Lebanon!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Hi! Where are they?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Just starting in the drag. Be quick.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span>.]&nbsp; Come on! They shall
+hear about Tom Bolter and the ducks before I&rsquo;ve
+done with &rsquo;em. Come on!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lebanon</span> <i>hurry out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Outside.</i>]&nbsp; Hi! Hi!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>That fellow was born to hail an omnibus.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>appears.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Not seeing</i> <span class="smcap">Valentine</span>.]&nbsp; Will he be long?&nbsp; [<i>She
+encounters him.</i>]&nbsp; Oh! You are not neglecting
+your duties, I hope, Valentine?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>I shall follow the others in the cart. Your note
+was marked &ldquo;urgent.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Was it?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Showing her letter.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;Urgent.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>What a thoughtless habit it is to mark all one&rsquo;s<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span>
+letters &ldquo;urgent.&rdquo; All I wanted to say to you is
+this&mdash;but it isn&rsquo;t urgent.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>No, no&mdash;I understand that.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>I merely had a foolish desire to be the first to
+acquaint you of my&mdash;undeserved happiness.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>What happiness don&rsquo;t you deserve?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>The happiness of becoming Lady Colin Macphail,
+Valentine.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Oh. Is that&mdash;all?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>That&rsquo;s all&mdash;just at present.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Hah! You&rsquo;ll be a fine lady now, past recovery.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>I shall endeavour to adequately fill the station of
+life to which fate has called me.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>All that sweet simplicity of yours in London was
+purely an assumption, I suppose?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Things are&mdash;what they appear.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>But you have your heart&rsquo;s desire at last, I presume?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>I&mdash;I presume I have.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Burying his head in his hands.</i>]&nbsp; Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>What are you going to do next?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Japan.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Nice part of Japan?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>The murderous districts.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Oh! Then you don&rsquo;t propose to&mdash;return alive?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Not according to my present arrangements.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>You&mdash;you had better follow the shooters to
+Claigrossie now.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Certainly.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>I am glad to have had this gossip over our pros<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span>pects.
+We&mdash;we both seem to be doing well. Good-morning.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She offers her hand, which he takes ungraciously.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Good-morning.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>You haven&rsquo;t congratulated me yet&mdash;in the usual
+way.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Will you be happy with&mdash;him?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>I think&mdash;partially.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>But you&rsquo;re not going to partially marry Sir Colin.
+How dare you do this?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>He was the first to ask me, Val.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>The first to ask you! You don&rsquo;t mean to suggest
+that any other man would have done!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>No&mdash;not <i>any</i> other.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p><i>Some</i> other?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s too late now&mdash;but yes.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>A poor man?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Val!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Would <i>I</i> have stood the remotest chance?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s too late now.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Would I? Would I?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>No. Nor any other nineteenth century savage.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Savage!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. White, it is very much too late now; but
+why, when you returned to England, didn&rsquo;t you
+wear uncomfortable clothes like other gentlemen,
+and a very high collar, and varnished boots, like
+other gentlemen?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Why? Because I cannot be false to my principles.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>People say that principles which deal too much
+with the outside of things are nothing but affectations.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>If a man has a good heart he should have a good
+hat.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen&mdash;Jenny! If I had ever come to you&mdash;in
+a good hat&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>If you had, then when mamma urged me to marry
+perhaps she would not have blamed me for&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>For what?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>For liking some pleasant-looking gentleman who
+laughed at harmless follies instead of scolding them.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>And now?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Now! Now&mdash;it is too late.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She falls into his arms; he embraces her.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Outside.</i>]&nbsp; Hi, hi! Come here! hi!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She breaks from</i> <span class="smcap">Valentine</span> <i>and runs out, as</i> <span class="smcap">Lebanon</span>
+<i>enters, very pale and upset.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Clinging to <span class="smcap">Valentine</span>.</i>]&nbsp; Old fellow!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>What&rsquo;s the matter with you?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Gurrrh! You&mdash;you&rsquo;re wanted!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Good gracious!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Something has happened, I&rsquo;m afraid.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Valentine</span> <i>goes out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lebanon</span>.]&nbsp; You&rsquo;re ill!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;m upset.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Too much breakfast!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>No. I&mdash;I&rsquo;ve peppered Macphail.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Peppered him! Can&rsquo;t you take your mind off
+eating?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>You don&rsquo;t understand. I was in the wagonette,
+tellin&rsquo; &rsquo;em the story of Tom Bolter and those beastly
+ducks. I got &rsquo;old of a beastly gun and just as I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span>
+was demonstrating how I shot the fifteen beastly
+birds&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>It went off!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Well! Don&rsquo;t make such a fuss about it!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah! and it was pointed at Sir Colin!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Pointed at him! No! His legs were stuck right
+in the way.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Heavens!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Be quiet! Make light of it&mdash;make light of it, like
+I do!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Now, now I hope you&rsquo;re content!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>No, I&rsquo;m not. I wouldn&rsquo;t have had this &rsquo;appen
+for &rsquo;alf a sovereign. This &rsquo;Ighland &rsquo;oliday of mine
+is gettin&rsquo; on my nerves.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Your nerves!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, Lady T. Imagine what it must mean to
+a shy man to spend a rollickin&rsquo; August with a lot<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span>
+of people whose chief occupation is staring at the
+tips of their own aquiline noses.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Hysterically.</i>]&nbsp; Ha, ha, ha!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Imagine what it must be to a shy man to find himself
+always leading the conversation, instead of following
+it with a sparkling comment or two, as I&rsquo;m
+in the &rsquo;abit of doin&rsquo; in my own circle. Think of me
+starting every topic and arguing on it till my
+throat&rsquo;s sore; making every joke and roaring at it
+till I get blood to the head. Sometimes when I&rsquo;m
+in the middle of a long story and not a soul listening
+I feel so lonely I&mdash;I could almost cry.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Then out of your own sufferings why can&rsquo;t you
+find some compassion for mine?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s pathetic&mdash;that&rsquo;s what my position is&mdash;it&rsquo;s
+dooced pathetic.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>In mercy&rsquo;s name why don&rsquo;t you retire quietly to
+your room and pack?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>What! Throw up the sponge?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You needn&rsquo;t throw up your sponge&mdash;<i>pack</i> your
+sponge.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I understand, Lady T&mdash;hook it!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Hook it&rdquo; is a harsh way of putting it. Bring
+your visit to a close. Think of what you are losing
+here! Think of Margate, where I feel you must
+have many dear friends!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I&mdash;I&rsquo;ve half a mind to.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ha! Bless you, Mr. Lebanon, bless you! I&rsquo;ll
+fetch you a Bradshaw.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Stop! I forgot the hop.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>The hop?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>There&rsquo;s a ball here to-morrow night.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>For heaven&rsquo;s sake, don&rsquo;t wait for the hop.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I had half-a-dozen lessons in the Scotch Reel before
+I left town.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>And you would risk the Reel on half-a-dozen lessons!
+Madman!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Half-a-dozen lessons at store prices. Dash it all,
+you wouldn&rsquo;t &rsquo;ave me waste &rsquo;em!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Hopeless!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>enters unobserved by Lebanon or</i>
+<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Look &rsquo;ere, Lady T! I&rsquo;m sorry to disappoint a
+lady, but it ain&rsquo;t Mr. Joseph Lebanon&rsquo;s principle to
+do something for nothing.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No. If you lent a lady your arm you&rsquo;d do it at
+interest.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;m not alludin&rsquo; to our pleasant financial relationship,
+Lady T. What I infer is that if after the
+forthcoming hop I drag myself away from my sorrowin&rsquo;
+friends at Drumdurris I expect a&mdash;ah&mdash;a solatium. &nbsp;
+[<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>remains watching and listening.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>A what?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Lady T, my pride has been wounded in this &rsquo;ouse&mdash;my
+self-respect has been &rsquo;urt.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ha, ha, ha! Pardon me, I&rsquo;m hysterical.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>If you could &rsquo;eal my feelings by rendering me a
+service&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>To be rid of you?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Lady T, &rsquo;ow plainly you put it! Well, yes.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Try me. &nbsp;[<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>disappears suddenly.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>&rsquo;Ush! Thought I &rsquo;eard somebody. Lady T, you
+are aware that Mr. Joseph Lebanon&rsquo;s position in
+the financial world is an eminent one.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I wasn&rsquo;t aware of it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Take it from me, Lady T, take it from me. But
+that distinguished position might be advanced by
+the success of some delicate little financial operations
+which I&rsquo;m on the brink of, Lady Twombley, on the
+brink of. Lady T, if I could know twenty-four
+hours in advance of the prying newspapers the decision
+of the Government on the Rajputana Canal
+Question it would go far to &rsquo;eal the wound my self-respect
+has received in this <i>recherché</i> &rsquo;Ighland &rsquo;ome.
+You follow me, Lady T?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I suppose you mean that when the decision of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span>
+the Government is known in the City something or
+other will go up and something or other will go
+down on the Stock Exchange? Is that it?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>That&rsquo;s it, Lady T, that&rsquo;s it! And some fellers will
+make fortunes! Oh, Lady T!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>But why do you bother a poor woman with a
+headache&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Because without the gentle guidance of tender-hearted
+woman I can&rsquo;t find out whether the Government
+is going to grant the concession for the cutting
+of the Rajputana Canal. Oh, Lady Twombley,
+let me &rsquo;ave five minutes alone with Sir Julian&rsquo;s
+papers in Sir Julian&rsquo;s room.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Lebanon!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Two minutes! A stroll round. I&rsquo;ll go in with a
+duster and tidy up.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Or give me a glimpse of some of the documents
+Mr. Melton brought with him in that box yesterday.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I want some fresh air!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Wait! If you&rsquo;ll do this for me I&rsquo;ll clear out of
+Drumdurris with Fanny on Thursday morning.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, no!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>And I&rsquo;ll hand you back your acceptances&mdash;every-one
+of &rsquo;em&mdash;I will&mdash;on my word of honour as a
+gentleman!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She seizes him by the throat and shakes him
+violently.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>How dare you! How dare you tempt me!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Arranging his hair and moustache with his pocket
+comb and mirror.</i>]&nbsp; Oh, ladies are trying in business&mdash;they
+are dooced trying.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You&mdash;you wretch! Do you think I haven&rsquo;t endured
+enough for the past three months without
+this? Oh, pa, what will you say to your Kitty when
+you know the disgrace she&rsquo;s brought on you! Oh,
+my chicks, my chicks, my blessed chicks!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Twombley, my pride has been wounded,
+my self-respect has been &rsquo;urt in this <i>recherché</i> &rsquo;Ighland
+&rsquo;ome for, I &rsquo;ope, the last time. I shall retire
+from the hop early to-morrow night and hook it&mdash;bring
+my visit to a close&mdash;on Thursday morning.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Thank you.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Next week the first bit of paper bearin&rsquo; the honoured
+name of woman falls doo.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I repeat the word, d-u-e, doo.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Lebanon!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Our interview has been a distressin&rsquo; one, Lady
+Twombley. It is over.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Lebanon! Mr. Lebanon!&nbsp; [<i>He turns his chair
+from her. To herself.</i>]&nbsp; It&rsquo;s all up with me. I&mdash;I&rsquo;ll
+go and find pa, and tell him. There&rsquo;s no help
+for it&mdash;I&rsquo;ll tell him. Mr. Lebanon! For the last
+time&mdash;have compassion on a poor fool of a woman!&nbsp; [<i>He turns away.</i>]&nbsp; Oh! I&rsquo;ll go to pa&rsquo;s room and&mdash;tell
+him. &nbsp;[<i>She goes out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>That&rsquo;s one way to the old gentleman&rsquo;s room. [<i>He
+opens the door and listens.</i>] Ah! what&rsquo;s the latest
+quotation for lovely woman&rsquo;s weakness?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Valentine</span> <i>enters with</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>,
+<i>who looks very scared, has a handkerchief
+bound round his knee, and leans on</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre&rsquo;s</span>
+<i>arm. She supports him to a chair.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Colin</span>.]&nbsp; Lean on your poor broken-hearted
+friend.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To himself.</i>]&nbsp; Oh, the dooce!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;ll find Lady Macphail. &nbsp;[<i>He goes out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Whispering to</i> <span class="smcap">Lebanon</span>.]&nbsp; Get out of sight!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Quietly to her.</i>]&nbsp; Can&rsquo;t. I must wait here&mdash;I&rsquo;ve
+got an important little affair on.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>So have I. Leave us!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, my goodness, how selfish you are, Fanny!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Selfish! you&rsquo;ll ruin my prospects in life! Brute!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Vixen!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Bah!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Bah!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lebanon</span> <i>goes out.</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>throws herself
+on her knees beside</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>.]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>How do you feel now?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Well, its tingling.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Tingling! You bear it like a hero.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>I appreciate the compliment, but I&rsquo;m thinking I&rsquo;m
+only a bit singed.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, but why, why do you indulge in these reckless
+sports?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>I was merely sitting in the drag looking at the
+sky.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Sitting in the drag looking at the sky! How
+foolhardy!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon your brother, without a word of warning,
+blazed away at my knee.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, don&rsquo;t describe it! Suppose you had had your
+head on your knee!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Outside.</i>]&nbsp; Take me to Colin!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>My mother!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; Drat your mother.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She stands with her handkerchief to her eyes.</i> <span class="smcap">Lady
+Macphail</span> <i>enters with</i> <span class="smcap">Egidia</span>, <i>the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span>,
+<span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Valentine</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Colin!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Sitting at writing-table.</i>]&nbsp; I&rsquo;ll telegraph to Sir
+George McHarness, the surgeon.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Now let the wail of the lament waken the echoes
+of black Ben-Muchty!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Rising from the chair.</i>]&nbsp; It&rsquo;s not at all necessary,
+mother.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>He can stand!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Writing.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;Bring&mdash;chloroform&mdash;and knives.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, Colin, lad, why did we ever quit the gray
+shores of Loch-na-Doich?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;ll go upstairs and bathe my knee, mother.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>leads him.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>He can walk!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Madam, a Macphail can always walk under any
+circumstances.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Reading the telegram she has written.</i>]&nbsp;  &ldquo;If&mdash;in&mdash;doubt&mdash;amputate.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span>, <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>, <span class="smcap">Valentine</span>, <span class="smcap">Lady
+Euphemia</span>, <span class="smcap">Egidia</span>, <i>and the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>go out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Weeping till the others are out of sight</i>.]&nbsp; Joseph
+will die of remorse!&nbsp; [<i>Calling.</i>]&nbsp; The coast is clear,
+Joseph. Jo!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>As she goes out</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>enters in great agitation,
+clutching an important-looking document.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Kitty, what have you done! Kitty, what have
+you done!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lebanon</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Lady T! Thought so!&nbsp; [<i>Seeing the paper.</i>]&nbsp; &nbsp;Oh
+my goodness, what has she got there?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I must&mdash;I must find Julian! Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Snatching the paper from her.</i>]&nbsp; Excuse me!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah! give me back that paper!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Lady T, oh, Lady T!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Following him round the table.</i>]&nbsp; Give me back that
+paper! Dear, sweet Mr. Lebanon!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Reading the paper.</i>]&nbsp; Ha!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah! don&rsquo;t read it!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>My friend Sir Julian&rsquo;s own writing! The Rajputana
+Canal is a blessed fact! Lady Twombley,
+I forget my wounded pride, I forgive the blow to
+my self-respect. You have won a place in Jo Lebanon&rsquo;s
+heart.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Give me back that paper and forget it!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Returning the paper.</i>]&nbsp; Give it you back? Delighted.
+Forget it? Oh, Lady T, Lady T.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Devil!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Twombley, Joseph Lebanon is, above all
+things, a man of honour.&nbsp; [<i>Handing Bills to</i> <span class="smcap">Lady
+Twombley</span>.]&nbsp; Lovely woman&rsquo;s Acceptances.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I won&rsquo;t take them. I won&rsquo;t buy them back at
+such a price.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Natural delicacy.&nbsp; [<i>Laying the Bills on the table.</i>]&nbsp; You can pick &rsquo;em up when I&rsquo;m gone.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, what a wicked woman I am!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I can get out of these beastly clothes, drive to
+Strachlachan Junction, and wire to town before
+feedin&rsquo; time. The city is on the eve of a financial
+earthquake! Joseph&rsquo;s name will be a &rsquo;ouse&rsquo;old word
+from Mile End to Kensington! Lady Twombley, we
+meet at the hop to-morrow night for the last time&mdash;in
+Society.&nbsp; [<i>Boisterously.</i>]&nbsp; Whoop! Dash Society!&nbsp; [<i>He performs a few steps of a Highland dance.</i>]&nbsp; Excuse
+my humour. &nbsp;[<i>He goes out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>The Bills! The Bills! They mustn&rsquo;t lie there.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>As she goes to the table</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>, <i>looking very
+white and dishevelled, enters, and, standing
+opposite to her, takes up the Bills and presents
+them to her.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Pa!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Twombley!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, my gracious!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She drops on her hands and knees at</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian&rsquo;s</span>
+<i>feet.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You&rsquo;ve found me out, pa! You&rsquo;ve found me
+out!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I have found you out.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>How did you manage it?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>By degrading myself to the position of an eavesdropper.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>That&rsquo;s pretty mean, pa&mdash;ain&rsquo;t it?</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Seeing that he is examining the Bills she puts up
+her hands and seizes them.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah! Don&rsquo;t tot &rsquo;em up! Don&rsquo;t tot &rsquo;em up!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Katherine, when I first saw you, three-and-twenty
+years ago, you were standing over a tub in the tiled<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span>
+yard of your father&rsquo;s farm wringing out your little
+sister&rsquo;s pinafores.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Weeping.</i>]&nbsp; Oh-h-h!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Could I have looked forward I should have
+known that you would one day wring my feelings
+as you do now.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Pa, I&rsquo;ve fallen into the hands of the unscrupulous.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Woman!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, don&rsquo;t call me that, pa!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>The unscrupulous! You have lost the right to
+ever again use that serviceable word.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>What do you mean?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>How do you come by those Bills?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Julian, you know!&nbsp; [<i>Going toward him on her
+knees frantically.</i>]&nbsp; Ah, don&rsquo;t stare like that!&nbsp; [<i>Putting
+her arms round him.</i>]&nbsp; Husband! Dear husband,
+you are glaring like an idiot! Listen!&nbsp; [<i>She
+shakes him violently.</i>]&nbsp; Listen! When that reptile
+tempted me I ran upstairs intending to tell you all.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span>
+I did. Oh, pa, don&rsquo;t stare at nothing! I knocked
+at your door; there was a drumming in my ears,
+and I fancied your voice answered me telling me to
+enter. Oh, try winking, pa, try winking! Your
+room was empty&mdash;left unguarded, the door unlocked.
+I entered. Wink, pa; for mercy&rsquo;s sake, wink! I
+sank into a chair to wait for your coming,&nbsp; [<i>Taking
+the written paper from her pocket.</i>]&nbsp; and there, on
+your table, right before my eyes, I saw this thing
+like a white ghost.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>A memorandum in my writing that the concession
+for the Rajputana Canal is to be granted.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, yes. I tried to forget it was there. But
+the chairs and tables seemed to dance before me
+and every object in the room had a voice crying
+out, &ldquo;Kitty, you silly woman, get back your Bills
+from that demon who is plaguing you!&rdquo; I put my
+fingers in my ears and then the voices were shut up
+in my brain, and still they shrieked, &ldquo;Kitty, get
+back your Bills! Get back your Bills!&rdquo; I snatched
+up this paper and ran from the room. Even then if
+I had met you, Julian, I should have been safe; but
+whenever Old Nick wants to play the deuce with a
+married lady he begins by taking her husband for a
+stroll, and so I fell into Lebanon&rsquo;s clutches&mdash;and I&mdash;I&mdash;I&rsquo;m
+done for! &nbsp;[<i>She sinks into a chair.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Katherine, those Bills must be returned to the
+creature, Lebanon.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Yes. And&mdash;and&mdash;pa, dear, you&rsquo;ll never speak
+kindly to me after this, will you?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I trust I shall be invariably polite to you, Katherine.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh-h-h! We shall be whitewashed in the Bankruptcy
+Court eventually, I suppose?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>All in good time, Katherine.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>And then&mdash;what then?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Then we must hope for a cottage, and a small
+garden where we can grow our own vegetables and
+learn wisdom.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Our&mdash;own&mdash;vegetables. And years hence, pa,
+sometimes when I am sitting over my knitting,
+you&rsquo;ll forget the past, and play your flute again, and
+be happy?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Katherine! [<i>He takes his flute from his pocket
+and breaks it into pieces across his knee.</i>] Never,
+never again, Katherine.&nbsp; [<i>As he is leaving her.</i>]&nbsp; One
+pang of remorse I can spare you, Katherine.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Don&rsquo;t!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You believe you have betrayed a solemn secret
+of the Government to that unprincipled money-lender.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Of course.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>That you have <i>not</i> done.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Pa!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No, Katherine. Overhearing his shameful proposition,
+and fearing your weakness, I had time to
+hasten to my room, conceal all important papers,
+and scribble the memorandum you abstracted.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Why, then&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>That writing records the exact reverse of the
+truth.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>And&mdash;and Joseph?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>In the language of the vulgar&mdash;Mr. Lebanon is
+sold. [<i>He goes out.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Julian! Ah! [<i>Staring at the paper.</i>] The exact
+reverse of the truth! Then the Rajputana Canal&mdash;&mdash;
+Julian, why should you be first blackened
+and then whitewashed because of your vagabond
+wife? A cottage&mdash;our our own vegetables! Never!
+Why shouldn&rsquo;t <i>I</i> have <i>my</i> delicate little financial
+operations in the City? Oh, my gracious!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>enter.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Hullo, Mater&mdash;what!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Brooke! Keith! You boys must drive me over
+to Strachlachan Junction. I must telegraph to
+London backwards and forwards all day. Keith, put
+me into communication with your Stockbroker in
+town!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Silence! I&rsquo;m on the brink of some delicate little
+financial operations!&nbsp; [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span>.]&nbsp; Get out the
+cart!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>The drag&rsquo;s outside.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Come on!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lebanon</span> <i>enters hastily.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Hi, Drumdurris! Let me &rsquo;ave a carriage to go to
+Strachlachan Junction. I want to wire to town.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Do you? So do we. We&rsquo;ll give you a lift.
+Come on! &nbsp;[<i>They all hurry out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="center"><big>END OF THE THIRD ACT.</big></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="THE_FOURTH_ACT" id="THE_FOURTH_ACT"></a>THE FOURTH ACT.</h2>
+
+<p class="spkr"><big>Dancing.</big></p>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>The scene is still the inner hall of Drumdurris
+Castle, now brilliantly lighted and florally decorated,
+the evening after the events of the previous
+act.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Waltz-music is heard, then a slight scream, and</i> <span class="smcap">Lebanon</span>,
+<i>in full Highland costume, enters hastily.</i></p>
+
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I wouldn&rsquo;t &rsquo;ave &rsquo;ad it &rsquo;appen for &rsquo;alf a sovereign.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">The Munkittrick</span>, <i>a fiery old gentleman in Highland
+dress, enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">The Munkittrick.</p>
+
+<p>Sir, I am most indignant!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;ve explained. I felt myself goin&rsquo; and I caught
+at what came nearest.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">The Munkittrick.</p>
+
+<p>My daughter came nearest.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I know. Don&rsquo;t make such a fuss about it! Do
+remember we&rsquo;re at a ball!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">The Munkittrick.</p>
+
+<p>Miss Munkittrick is torn to ribbons.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>All right. Make light of it&mdash;make light of it, like
+I do.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">The Munkittrick.</p>
+
+<p>Ah-h-h!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span>, <i>in Highland dress, enters with</i> <span class="smcap">Miss
+Munkittrick</span>, <i>who is much discomposed, and</i>
+<span class="smcap">Egidia</span>, <i>who is soothing her.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Munkittrick</span>.]&nbsp; My dear sir!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Miss Munkittrick.</p>
+
+<p>Papa!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Flora, Flora!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">The Munkittrick.</p>
+
+<p>Lord Drumdurris!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Let it blow over. We&rsquo;re all forgettin&rsquo; we&rsquo;re at a
+ball.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">The Munkittrick.</p>
+
+<p>Miss Munkittrick has been rolled upon the floor.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>She was passin&rsquo; at the time&mdash;I didn&rsquo;t select her.
+Don&rsquo;t be so conceited!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lebanon</span> <i>continues to explain</i>. <span class="smcap">Munkittrick</span> <i>is indignant</i>;
+<span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span> <i>endeavors to soothe him</i>.
+<span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>enters carrying a satin shoe, which he
+presents to</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Munkittrick</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Awfully sorry&mdash;what?&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; [<span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>hurries out</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Miss Munkittrick.</p>
+
+<p>Where is papa?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>enters, carrying an aigrette</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Miss Munkittrick, what a shocking mishap!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>They fasten the aigrette in</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Munkittrick&rsquo;s</span> <i>hair</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Miss Munkittrick.</p>
+
+<p>Have you seen my papa?</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>, <i>carrying a sash, hurries in as</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>
+<i>goes off</i>. <span class="smcap">Miss Munkittrick</span> <i>rises</i>; <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>
+<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>adjust the sash hastily</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Adjusting the sash.</i>]&nbsp; My dear Flora, this is <i>too</i> unfortunate!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>re-enters with another shoe</i>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>The other&mdash;what!&nbsp; [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>.]&nbsp; There
+are some more pieces&mdash;come and help.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span> <i>hurry out</i>.]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Miss Munkittrick.</p>
+
+<p>I want my papa!&nbsp; [<i>Seeing</i> <span class="smcap">Munkittrick.</span>]&nbsp; Ah!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">The Munkittrick.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Giving her his arm.</i>]&nbsp; Flora, we&rsquo;ll go home.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Miss Munkittrick.</p>
+
+<p>Papa, I&rsquo;m not nearly <i>all</i>.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Her aigrette is very much on one side, her sash
+is trailing, and she limps away carrying one
+slipper.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Pray don&rsquo;t think of going!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Let it blow over!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>My dear sir!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, very well, you&rsquo;re losing the best of the ball.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">The Munkittrick</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Munkittrick</span> <i>go out, followed
+by</i> <span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris.</span> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>,
+<span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>enter hastily, each
+carrying a fragment of</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Munkittrick</span>&rsquo;s <i>dress.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Taking the remnants.</i>]&nbsp; Allow me&mdash;allow me&mdash;my
+affair.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Imogen</span>, <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>go out.</i>
+<span class="smcap">Lebanon</span> <i>crams the pieces of</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Munkittrick&rsquo;s</span>
+<i>dress under a chair cushion.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Let it blow over. Where&rsquo;s my partner?</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He goes out.</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span> <i>enters with</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span>
+<i>upon his arm.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Staying out is infinitely preferable to dancing, is
+it not, dear Sir Colin?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Aye. I hate dancing.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>But your dear mother says you resemble some
+beautiful wild thing when you dance the Strathspey.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>That&rsquo;s because I hate it; the Strathspey&rsquo;s enough
+to make a lad wild.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Witty boy!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Eh, do you think I&rsquo;m naturally quick?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Quick?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Quick in my understanding?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;m sure of it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Eh, I&rsquo;m glad you think I&rsquo;m quick.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Why?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Because Ballocheevin&mdash;that&rsquo;s our place, you understand&mdash;Ballocheevin
+is enough to soften a lad&rsquo;s
+brain.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Then why hide your light at Ballocheevin?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Well, the Macphails have lived there since eleven
+hundred and two.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>How romantic!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>So mother&rsquo;s just got out of the way of moving.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Charming attachment to an old home.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Aye, it&rsquo;s old. It hasn&rsquo;t been papered and done
+up since Robert Bruce stayed with us.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Robert Bruce!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Aye&mdash;just from a Saturday till Monday, I&rsquo;m thinking.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>There must be a legend attached to every stone
+of Ballocheevin.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Aye, it&rsquo;s interesting&mdash;but it requires papering.
+I am so tired of Ballocheevin.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>But you love the rugged country, the vast overwhelming
+hills, and the placid lochs?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Mother&rsquo;s been telling you that.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Isn&rsquo;t it true?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Eh, I am just weary of my native scenery.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>But what about the misty chasms of Ben-Muchty?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>That&rsquo;s an awfully damp place. That&rsquo;s where I
+caught my bad cold.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>And the gray shore of Loch-na-Doich? Your
+mother says you adore it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Eh, I am sick of Loch-na-Doich.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>And your feet don&rsquo;t ache to press the heather?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>It&rsquo;s when they&rsquo;re <i>on</i> the heather my feet ache.
+It&rsquo;s poor walking, heather.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Then you don&rsquo;t watch the sun rise from the jagged
+summit of Ben-na-fechan?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Cunningly.</i>]&nbsp; Eh, but I do though, every day when
+I&rsquo;m at home.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>But why?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>To get away from mother.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Poor boy!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Reflectively.</i>]&nbsp; I&rsquo;ve been thinking&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Yes?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>That you&rsquo;d better let go my arm now.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Colin!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;ve no personal objection, you understand; but
+mother&rsquo;s always looking for me.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>How thoughtless I am!&nbsp; [<i>He walks away.</i>]&nbsp; Sir
+Colin!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Aye?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Your mother is driving you to contract this marriage
+with Miss Twombley.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Well, mother&rsquo;s just making the arrangements.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Your great heart hasn&rsquo;t gone out to her! Unhappiness
+must ensue! Your bright career will be
+dimmed!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Will be <i>what?</i></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Dimmed. What did you think I said? Oh, Sir
+Colin, don&rsquo;t carry this unsuitable bride to Ballocheevin!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Well, it&rsquo;s a serious step; but I&rsquo;ve been thinking it
+would be another in the house.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>You don&rsquo;t want another in the house. You need
+a strong, self-reliant wife who will take you out of
+the house.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Eh?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>A woman, loving but firm, tender but enterprising,
+who will bear you from your dilapidated home
+and plunge you into the vortex of some great city.&nbsp; [<i>Suddenly.</i>]&nbsp; Have you ever been to Paris?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>No.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>I know every inch of it!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Madam!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, what have I said! Sir Colin, you have
+guessed my secret!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Macphail</span> <i>produces his ball-programme from his
+stocking and refers to it.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;m engaged to Miss Kilbouie for this waltz, if
+you&rsquo;ll excuse me.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Holding out her hand to him.</i>]&nbsp; Colin.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;m thinking mother will be wondering&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; Drat your moth&mdash;&mdash;&nbsp; [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail.</span>]&nbsp; Never mind dear Lady Macphail for a moment.
+Colin, since you have discovered my love for you I
+will make no further reservation&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>But mother&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Under her breath.</i>]&nbsp; Drat your&mdash;&mdash;&nbsp; [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail.</span>]&nbsp; Colin, I will be to you the wife you have
+described.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;m extremely obliged to ye&mdash;but&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Hush, bold boy! &nbsp;[<i>She gives him a card.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>You know my cruel brother takes me back to
+town to-morrow. Here is my address so that you
+may write to me constantly, devotedly.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Reading the card.</i>]&nbsp; &ldquo;Mauricette &amp; Cie., Court
+Dressmakers&mdash;&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Snatching the card from him.</i>]&nbsp; That&rsquo;s a wrong
+&rsquo;un&mdash;I mean, that&rsquo;s a mistake.&nbsp; [<i>Giving another.</i>]&nbsp; There. Hide it away, dear one&mdash;nearest your heart.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He slips it into his stocking.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>And now, as I start in the morning at nine-forty-five,
+sharp, on the tick, we must say farewell.
+Oh, this parting is too cruel. Colin!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She falls against him.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Here&rsquo;s my mother! &nbsp;[<i>He throws her off.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Under her breath.</i>]&nbsp; Drat your mother!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>enters.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Madam.&nbsp; [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>.]&nbsp; &nbsp;Why do you leave the
+ball-room, my lad?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;ve been just watching the moonlight on Loch
+Auchentoshan.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>I am proud to see this devotion to Loch Auchentoshan,
+but to-night you have other duties almost
+equally important. After this paltry waltz we lose
+ourselves in the wild pleasures of our native dance.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>The Strathspey?&nbsp; [<i>He takes</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre&rsquo;s</span>
+<i>card from his stocking.</i>]&nbsp; Oh!&nbsp; [<i>Hides it and produces
+his ball-programme from his other stocking.</i>]&nbsp; The Strathspey.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Come, lad. They have yet to see the Macphail
+lead the Strathspey with his betrothed.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>They go out together.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, and they shall ultimately see the Macphail
+writing love-letters to Fanny&mdash;love-letters with a
+promise of marriage in &rsquo;em. I&rsquo;ll consult a solicitor
+directly I reach town and be ready to marry or to
+sue him. Oh, Fanny, Fanny, ungrateful girl, what
+a lot you have to be thankful for!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She runs out and</i> <span class="smcap">Angèle</span> <i>peeps in</i>.]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>Milord! Miladi!&nbsp; [<i>She enters.</i>]&nbsp; &nbsp;I must find
+miladi! Miladi!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No news from Reeves &amp; Shuckleback, the Stockbrokers.
+The waiting for it will finish me!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Miladi Twombley.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Turning to her sharply.</i>]&nbsp; Ah!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>Tell me, vere is milord?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>What! Has a messenger come from Strachlachan
+with a telegram for Lord Drumdurris? Speak?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>I do not know.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>But, oh, miladi, I &rsquo;ave been a vicked girl!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I dare say you have&mdash;that&rsquo;s your business.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>Miladi, ze leetle Lord Aberbrothock is indispose.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>The baby?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>Yees. To please milord, and contrary to miladi&rsquo;s
+ordares, I put Lord Aberbrothock to bed wiz his
+gun.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I know&mdash;I&rsquo;m a mother&mdash;the child has swallowed
+the paint!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, yees!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Send a groom to Strachlachan for Dr. M&rsquo;Gubbie.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>Yees, miladi.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Angèle!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>Miladi?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Tell the man to inquire at Strachlachan for telegrams
+for the Castle.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>Yees, miladi. &nbsp;[<span class="smcap">Angèle</span> <i>runs out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, for a telegram from Reeves &amp; Shuckleback!
+My diamonds, my double row of pearls for a telegram
+from Reeves &amp; Shuckleback!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>enters with</i> <span class="smcap">Angèle</span>, <i>followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris.</span>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Twombley!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Has Keith had a telegram?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>A telegram&mdash;no. My son is ill!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, I know&mdash;he has nibbled his gun.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>His gun!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Angèle.</p>
+
+<p>Yees, miladi.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Ah! The Army! [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris.</span>] So you
+have gained your own ends after all, Keith, and my
+boy has fallen.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>goes out, followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Angèle.</span> <span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span>
+<i>sinks into a chair.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Keith.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Don&rsquo;t speak to me, please, aunt.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I must. Reeves &amp; Shuckleback are strangely
+silent.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Let them remain so&mdash;I care not.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>You don&rsquo;t care! Surely you are anxious to know
+whether you have been instrumental in saving me
+from&mdash;from growing my own vegetables?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Growing your own&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Surely you want to know whether you have made
+me a wealthy woman or have ruined yourself in the
+effort?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Ruined myself!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Keith, dear, I am afraid I haven&rsquo;t done what is
+strictly regular, but when you put me into communication
+with your Stockbrokers I carried on my
+delicate little financial operations with them in your
+name.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Kate!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Keith, you&rsquo;re annoyed!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>May I ask what delicate little financial operations?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;ve speculated on the strength of my private<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span>
+knowledge of the decision of the Government on
+the Rajputana Canal Question&mdash;I mean <i>you</i> have
+speculated.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Twombley, how dare you do such a thing?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>How dare I! Boy&mdash;for you are little more&mdash;boy,
+you wouldn&rsquo;t have a Cabinet Minister&rsquo;s wife take
+advantage of her confidential acquaintance with her
+husband&rsquo;s official affairs to advance her own interests!
+Oh, Keith!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>But you&rsquo;ve done it!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No, I haven&rsquo;t. Don&rsquo;t be so dull, <i>you&rsquo;ve</i> done it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>And if your delicate little financial operations&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>If they come off, you have made what you men call
+a pile, Keith. All through your blundering aunty
+you will have made a pile.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Which I hand over to you, Aunt Kate?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I shall borrow it, Keith, dear&mdash;may I?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>And if&mdash;pardon the question&mdash;if your delicate little
+financial operations&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Don&rsquo;t come off?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Certainly; if they don&rsquo;t come off, what then?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Then through your reckless speculation you will
+have impoverished your estate for the rest of your
+life!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Keith!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Tell me.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Fergus has taken a turn for the better.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Egidia, how can I look you in the face?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Cannot we read a lesson from this dreadful occurrence?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>To reconcile our views?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>Finally. You see now how unfitted our son is to
+a soldier&rsquo;s life.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, I have been wrong. Happily it is not too
+late to remould his character. We must return to
+the ball-room.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>First come with me and peep into the nursery.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>By all means&mdash;the nursery.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Together.</p>
+
+<p>The nursery.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>They go out as the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Katherine!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Dora?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>I am beside myself! Have you heard the news?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>News? Telegrams for Keith?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>I know nothing about telegrams. I&rsquo;ve just overheard
+Julian talking solemnly to Brooke. Do you
+know what your husband intends to do?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Grow his own vegetables.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Bother his vegetables! He resigns his place in
+the Ministry.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>The same thing.&nbsp; [<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; Ah, why can&rsquo;t he
+wait!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>enters with</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke.</span>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Katherine, I have been telling Brooke of the
+change in his prospects.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I say, Mater, such a blow&mdash;what!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Pa, why can&rsquo;t you wait?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Wait&mdash;for what, Katherine?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Wait till the boy can patch up his future with a
+wealthy wife, of course.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Really, Dora, I don&rsquo;t think it would be absolutely
+fair&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Fair! People&rsquo;s actions are like their heads of
+hair&mdash;they can be dyed flaxen.&nbsp; [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Brooke.</span>]&nbsp; Boy,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span>
+why do you let the grass grow under your pumps
+in this way?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I haven&rsquo;t let the grass grow, Aunt Dora. I&mdash;ah&mdash;I
+have the happiness to be engaged&mdash;what!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Engaged!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Bless my soul!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>In mercy&rsquo;s name, to whom?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>To Effie.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian Twombley.</span></p>
+
+<p>Euphemia!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Euphemia! Why, how dare you conspire to entrap
+a child of mine into a moneyless marriage?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>My dear Dora, you yourself suggested&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>If I may be guilty of such an expression&mdash;fall-lall!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>But, aunt&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Hold your tongue, sir! Ah, I believe you all have
+abominable motives!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; The telegram! The telegram!
+Why is there no telegram?</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The music of the Strathspey is heard.</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>enters
+with</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia.</span>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Euphemia!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span> <i>joins the others.</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>goes to</i>
+<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>in agitation.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Mamma! The Strathspey!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>What of it?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;m engaged to dance it with Sir Colin. Oh,
+mamma, I don&rsquo;t love him!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Child, you loved him the other night while your
+head was being washed.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>I didn&rsquo;t see clearly then&mdash;the egg-julep was
+in my eyes. But now Lady Macphail is running
+after me, from one room to another, because she
+declares I must fulfil the destiny of a Macphail&rsquo;s
+betrothed and lead the Strathspey by his side. But
+I won&rsquo;t dance a deception before a room full of
+people!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen, there is nothing for you but this marriage
+or contemptible, cleanly poverty.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Poverty!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Child, you are young to be told these things&mdash;but
+what do you think is likely to happen to pa and me?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Mamma, keep nothing from me.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>In all probability we shall grow our own vegetables.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Oh! What for?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p><i>For</i> dinner. And, oh, Imogen, have pity on your
+mother! I can face contemptible, cleanly poverty
+with pa alone, but if I see my innocent chicks sharing
+our miseries every cabbage in our garden will
+grow up with a broken heart!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She embraces</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen.</span> <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>enters with</i>
+<span class="smcap">Macphail.</span>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Miss Twombley, Lord Drumdurris&rsquo;s guests are
+politely waiting till you are pleased to lead the
+Strathspey with the Macphail.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Miss Twombley.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Quietly to</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley.</span>]&nbsp; Mamma!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To herself.</i>]&nbsp; No telegram from town.&nbsp; [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen.</span>]&nbsp; Imogen, you had better not lose your dance.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>With a slight courtesy to</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>, <span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>gives
+him her arm as</i> <span class="smcap">Valentine</span> <i>enters, trimmed,
+shaven, and in immaculate evening dress.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Brooke Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Why, Val!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Euphemia Vibart.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. White!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Leaving</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail.</span>]&nbsp; Valentine!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Valentine White!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Imogen, am I too late?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Too late?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>For the honor of dancing with you to-night?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>You&mdash;you are in time, Valentine.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>For which dance?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>This dance.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Mother!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>The child&rsquo;s mad!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Stop the Strathspey! Stop the Strathspey!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She hurries out, followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail.</span>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. White, really you shouldn&rsquo;t, you know.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The music ceases.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Valentine White.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Julian, Lady Twombley, with your permission
+I shall go no further to avoid the shams of life. I
+have found one cool resting-place in this world
+where there is reality and sincerity.&nbsp; [<i>With</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen&rsquo;s</span>
+<i>hands in his.</i>]&nbsp; And I have found it in an advanced
+state of civilization.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>pulls</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span> <i>away.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I positively must beg&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen.</span>]&nbsp; Child, at this moment I feel grateful
+that I am your aunt, with all an aunt&rsquo;s privileges. &nbsp;
+[<i>She shakes her.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Mamma!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Seizing</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen.</span>]&nbsp; My chick, your mother has
+privileges also. Bless you and Valentine.&nbsp; [<i>Kissing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span>
+her.</i>]&nbsp; There! Dora, if you shake my girl again I&mdash;I&rsquo;ll
+slap you!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>Ah! Julian!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span> <i>appears with a telegram.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>What&rsquo;s that?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>From Reeves &amp; Shuckleback!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She snatches the telegram from him.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Everybody.</p>
+
+<p>What&rsquo;s the matter?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Julian, look at your wife! Brooke, Imogen, come
+to your mother! No more worries by day and bad
+dreams at night! No poverty&mdash;no cottage&mdash;no&mdash;no
+vegetables! I&mdash;I am a rich woman!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She falls back fainting into</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian&rsquo;s</span> <i>arms as they
+all surround her. At the same moment</i> <span class="smcap">Lebanon</span>
+<i>rushes in with</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre.</span> <i>He has a telegram
+in his hand; his aspect is wild, his face
+white.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Lady Twombley! Where is she? Lady Twombley!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>As</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>is assisted to a chair</i> <span class="smcap">Lebanon</span>
+<i>falls into another.</i>]<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Mamma!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Joseph!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Imogen.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Be quiet! Lady Twombley is ill!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Ill! Look at Joseph! My only brother!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Keith, explain this telegram or my brain will give
+way.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Dowager.</p>
+
+<p>No, no&mdash;tell me. My brain is stronger than Sir
+Julian&rsquo;s.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span> <i>and the</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>apart.</i>]&nbsp; Mother&mdash;Sir
+Julian&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I want a word or two with my friend, Lady T.</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>arranges his chair so that he faces</i>
+<span class="smcap">Lady Twombley.</span> <i>She and</i> <span class="smcap">Lebanon</span> <i>stare at each other.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ah!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Lady T.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Hullo?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;ve &rsquo;ad a wire.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>So have I.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>From Moss &amp; Emanuel, my brokers.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mine is from Reeves &amp; Shuckleback.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, I see&mdash;<i>your</i> brokers. You&rsquo;ve done me, Lady
+T.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Don&rsquo;t mention it.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>You&rsquo;re a knowing one.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I&rsquo;m sure I&rsquo;m very gratified to hear you say so.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>The Bills! Give me the Bills you swindled me
+out of!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He advances violently, but</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>holds
+him back.</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>hands the Bills
+to</i> <span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>.]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Jo!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Lebanon, the Bills, sir. &nbsp;[<i>Giving them.</i>]</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lebanon</span> <i>snaps his fingers demonstratively in</i>
+<span class="smcap">Sir Julian&rsquo;s</span> <i>face.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mr. Joseph Lebanon.</p>
+
+<p>Drum., thank you for your <i>recherché</i> hospitality.
+Carriage to the station in the morning, if you
+please. [<i>Kissing his hands.</i>] Ladies&mdash;&mdash;&nbsp; [<i>Breaking
+down.</i>]&nbsp; Oh, Fanny, take me to bed!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>He goes out.</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span> <i>is about to follow,
+when</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>enters with</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail.</span>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Madam! My boy&mdash;my poor lad&mdash;has told me of
+your behaviour.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>My behaviour! He loves me!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Colin!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>I thought I&rsquo;d just better mention the affair to
+mother.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Of course; conceal nothing from your parent.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>And mother agrees with me&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Yes?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>That it would be just a risky matter to correspond
+with a widow lady.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Producing</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Gaylustre</span>&rsquo;s <i>card from his stocking.</i>]&nbsp; So I&rsquo;m thinking I sha&rsquo;n&rsquo;t require this address.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Mrs. Gaylustre.</p>
+
+<p>Ah! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; [<i>She slaps his face violently and runs out.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Everybody.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Macphail.</p>
+
+<p>Mother!</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>embraces him. The music of the
+Strathspey is heard again.</i>]</p>
+
+<p>[<span class="smcap">Egidia</span> <i>enters.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Egidia.</p>
+
+<p>The Strathspey. Come into the ball-room. What
+has happened?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>I can&rsquo;t enter the ball-room again to-night!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Earl of Drumdurris.</p>
+
+<p>But you must dance the Strathspey.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Must I? Dance then! [<i>They take their places for
+the dance.</i>] Pa! Valentine, Imogen! Brooke, Effie!
+Keith, Egidia! Lady Macphail, Sir Colin! Dance!
+Dance with foolish, thoughtless, weak-headed Kitty<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span>
+Twombley for the last time, for to-morrow she becomes
+a sober, wise, happy, and contented woman!
+Dance!</p>
+
+<p>[<i>They dance the Strathspey and Reel</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Sir Julian</span>
+<i>with</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span>, <span class="smcap">Drumdurris</span> <i>with</i>
+<span class="smcap">Egidia</span>, <span class="smcap">Brooke</span> <i>with</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Euphemia</span>, <span class="smcap">Valentine</span>
+<i>with</i> <span class="smcap">Imogen</span>, <span class="smcap">Lady Macphail</span> <i>with</i> <span class="smcap">Macphail</span>.
+<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Dowager</span> <i>sits apart gloomily.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Twombley</span> <i>while dancing.</i>]&nbsp; You&rsquo;ve been
+indiscreet again, Kitty.</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Finally, Julian, finally!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>No more extravagance?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Never! Never!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>And you resign yourself to a peaceful, rural life?</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Oh!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Sir Julian Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Promise me&mdash;promise me!</p>
+
+<p class="spkr">Lady Twombley.</p>
+
+<p>Ha, ha! Dance, pa, dance!</p>
+
+<p class="center"><big>THE END.</big></p>
+
+<hr style="width:65%" />
+
+<h2><a name="ADVERTISEMENTS" id="ADVERTISEMENTS"></a><span class="blackletter">A Selection</span><br />
+<br /><small>FROM</small><br />
+<br /><i>MR. WM. HEINEMANN&rsquo;S LIST</i></h2>
+<p class="center">January 1892.</p>
+<hr style="width:35%" />
+
+<h3 class="blackletter center">The Crown Copyright Series.</h3>
+
+<p><i>The changed conditions of publishing in the English-speaking
+countries, brought about by the American Copyright
+Legislation of 1891, have made it possible&mdash;without
+doing injustice to the authors&mdash;to issue new and original
+works of fiction in a form immediately accessible to the
+large class of readers who are unwilling to be permanently
+and entirely beholden to the Circulating Libraries. Mr.
+Heinemann has therefore made arrangements with a
+number of the first and most popular authors of to-day,</i></p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<big><i>ENGLISH, AMERICAN, AND COLONIAL,</i></big><br />
+</p>
+
+<p><i>which will enable him to issue new and original works of
+theirs in a Series to be known as the <big>CROWN COPYRIGHT
+SERIES</big> at a uniform price of <big>FIVE
+SHILLINGS</big> per volume.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>These novels will not pass through an expensive two or
+three volume edition, but they will be obtainable at the
+Circulating Libraries as well as at all Booksellers and
+Bookstalls.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The following volumes are now ready</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><big>ACCORDING TO ST. JOHN.</big> By <span class="smcap">Amélie
+Rives</span>, Author of &ldquo;The Quick or the Dead,&rdquo; &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p><big>THE PENANCE OF PORTIA JAMES.</big>
+By &ldquo;<span class="smcap">Tasma</span>,&rdquo; Author of &ldquo;Uncle Piper of Piper&rsquo;s Hill,&rdquo; &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p><big>INCONSEQUENT LIVES.</big> A Village Chronicle,
+Shewing how certain Folk set out for El Dorado,
+What they Attempted, and What they Attained. By <span class="smcap">J. H.
+Pearce</span>, Author of &ldquo;Esther Pentreath,&rdquo; &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p><big>A QUESTION OF TASTE.</big> By <span class="smcap">Maarten
+Maartens</span>, Author of &ldquo;The Sin of Joost Avelingh,&rdquo; &amp;c.<br /> &nbsp;<span class="right">[<i>In the Press.</i></span></p>
+
+
+<h3 class="blackletter">Heinemann&rsquo;s 3s. 6d. Novels.</h3>
+
+
+<p><big>UNCLE PIPER OF PIPER&rsquo;S HILL.</big> By
+&ldquo;<span class="smcap">Tasma</span>,&rdquo; Author of &ldquo;The Penance of Portia James,&rdquo; &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p><big>A MARKED MAN.</big> Some Episodes in his Life.
+By <span class="smcap">Ada Cambridge</span>.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>Pall Mall</i>.&mdash;&ldquo;Contains one of the best written stories of a
+<i>mésalliance</i> that is to be found in modern fiction.&rdquo;</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><big>IN THE VALLEY.</big> By <span class="smcap">Harold Frederic</span>.
+Illustrated.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>Athenæum</i>.&mdash;&ldquo;A novel deserving to be read.&rdquo;</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><big>THE THREE MISS KINGS.</big> By <span class="smcap">Ada
+Cambridge</span>.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>British Weekly</i>.&mdash;&ldquo;A novel to be bought and kept for re-reading
+on languid summer afternoons or stormy winter
+evenings.&rdquo;</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><big>PRETTY MISS SMITH.</big> By <span class="smcap">Florence
+Warden</span>.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>Punch</i>.&mdash;&ldquo;Since the &rsquo;House on the Marsh,&rsquo; I have not read
+a more exciting tale.&rdquo;</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><big>A ROMANCE OF THE CAPE FRONTIER.</big>
+By <span class="smcap">Bertram Mitford</span>.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>Observer</i>.&mdash;&ldquo;A rattling tale&mdash;genial, healthy, and spirited.&rdquo;</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><big>THE BONDMAN.</big> By <span class="smcap">Hall Caine</span>.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>Academy</i>&mdash;&ldquo;A splendid novel.&rdquo;</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><big>A VERY STRANGE FAMILY.</big> By <span class="smcap">F. W.
+Robinson</span>.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>Glasgow Herald</i>.&mdash;&ldquo;Delightful reading from start to finish.&rdquo;</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><big>A MODERN MARRIAGE.</big> By the <span class="smcap">Marquise
+Clara Lanza</span>.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>Queen</i>.&mdash;&ldquo;A powerful story.&rdquo;</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><big>LOS CERRITOS.</big> A Romance of the Modern
+Time. By <span class="smcap">Gertrude Franklin Atherton</span>.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>Athenæum</i>.&mdash;&ldquo;A decidedly charming romance.&rdquo;</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><big>DAUGHTERS OF MEN.</big> By <span class="smcap">Hannah Lynch</span>,
+Author of &ldquo;The Prince of the Glades,&rdquo; &amp;c. <span class="right">[<i>Shortly.</i></span></p>
+
+
+<h3 class="blackletter">New Works of Fiction.</h3>
+
+
+<p><big>THE SCAPEGOAT.</big> By <span class="smcap">Hall Caine</span>, Author
+of &ldquo;The Bondman.&rdquo; Fourth Edition. In Two Vols.</p>
+
+<p><big>MAMMON.</big> By Mrs. <span class="smcap">Alexander</span>, Author of
+&ldquo;The Wooing O&rsquo;t,&rdquo; &amp;c. In Three Vols.</p>
+
+<p><big>MEA CULPA.</big> A Woman&rsquo;s Last Word. By
+<span class="smcap">Henry Harland</span> (Sidney Luska), Author of &ldquo;As it was
+Written.&rdquo; In Three Volumes, crown 8vo.</p>
+
+<p><big>COME FORTH!</big> A Story of the Time of Christ.
+By <span class="smcap">Elizabeth Stuart Phelps</span> and <span class="smcap">Herbert D. Ward</span>.
+In One Volume, imperial 16mo, 7s. 6d.</p>
+
+<p><big>THE MASTER OF THE MAGICIANS.</big> A
+Novel. By <span class="smcap">Elizabeth Stuart Phelps</span> and <span class="smcap">Herbert
+D. Ward</span>. In One Volume, imperial 16mo, 7s. 6d.</p>
+
+<p><big>THE MOMENT AFTER.</big> A Tale of the
+Unseen. By <span class="smcap">Robert Buchanan</span>. Popular Edition,
+crown 8vo, 1s.</p>
+
+
+<h4><i>In Preparation.</i></h4>
+
+<p><big>WOMAN AND THE MAN.</big> By <span class="smcap">Robert
+Buchanan</span>. In Two Vols.</p>
+
+<p><big>LITTLE JOHANNES.</big> A Fairy Tale. By
+<span class="smcap">F. van Eeden</span>. Translated from the Dutch, by <span class="smcap">Clara
+Bell</span>, with an Introduction by <span class="smcap">Andrew Lang</span>, and Illustrations.
+In One Volume.</p>
+
+<p><big>THE TOWER OF TADDEO.</big> By <span class="smcap">Ouida</span>,
+Author of &ldquo;Two Little Wooden Shoes,&rdquo; &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p><big>ORIOLE&rsquo;S DAUGHTER.</big> By <span class="smcap">Jessie Fothergill</span>,
+Author of &ldquo;The First Violin,&rdquo; &amp;c. In Three Vols.</p>
+
+<p><big>COME LIVE WITH ME AND BE MY
+LOVE.</big> By <span class="smcap">Robert Buchanan</span>.</p>
+
+<p><big>THE WHITE FEATHER.</big> By &ldquo;<span class="smcap">Tasma</span>.&rdquo; In
+Three Vols.</p>
+
+<p><big>NOT ALL IN VAIN.</big> By <span class="smcap">Ada Cambridge</span>,
+Author of &ldquo;A Marked Man,&rdquo; &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p><big>A BATTLE AND A BOY.</big> By <span class="smcap">Blanche
+Willis Howard</span>, Author of &ldquo;Guenn,&rdquo; &amp;c.</p>
+
+
+<h3 class="blackletter">Miscellaneous.</h3>
+
+<p class="hang"><big>THE WORD OF THE LORD UPON THE
+WATERS.</big> Sermons read by the Emperor of Germany
+while on his Voyages to the Land of the Midnight Sun.
+Composed by Dr. <span class="smcap">Richter</span>. Small 4to, cloth, <i>2s. 6d.</i>,
+postage <i>4d.</i></p>
+
+<p class="hang"><big>THE LITTLE MANX NATION.</big> By <span class="smcap">Hall
+Caine</span>, Author of &ldquo;The Bondman.&rdquo; Crown 8vo, cloth,
+<i>3s. 6d.</i>; paper, <i>2s. 6d.</i></p>
+
+<p class="hang"><big>GIRLS AND WOMEN.</big> By E. <span class="smcap">Chester</span>.
+Pott 8vo, <i>2s. 6d.</i>, or gilt extra, <i>3s. 6d.</i></p>
+
+<p class="hang"><big>GOSSIP IN A LIBRARY.</big> By <span class="smcap">Edmund Gosse</span>.
+Crown 8vo, bevelled boards, <i>7s. 6d.</i></p>
+
+<p class="hang"><span class="smcap">Contents</span>: Camden&rsquo;s Britannia. A Mirror for Magistrates.
+A Poet in Prison. Death&rsquo;s Duel. Gerard&rsquo;s Herbal. Pharamond.
+A Volume of Old Plays. A Censor of Poets. Lady
+Winchilsea&rsquo;s Poems. Amasia. Love and Business. What
+Ann Lang read. Cats. Smart&rsquo;s Poems. Pompey the Little.
+John Buncle. Beau Nash. The Diary of a Lover of Literature.
+Peter Bell and his Tormentors. The Fancy. Ultra-crepidarius.
+The Duke of Rutland&rsquo;s Poems. Ionica. The Shaving
+of Shagpat.</p>
+
+<p class="hang"><big>WOMAN&mdash;THROUGH A MAN&rsquo;S EYE-GLASS.</big>
+By <span class="smcap">Malcolm C. Salaman</span>. With Illustrations
+by <span class="smcap">Dudley Hardy</span>. &nbsp; [<i>In the Press.</i></p>
+
+<p class="hang"><big>THE WORKS OF HEINRICH HEINE.</big>
+Translated by <span class="smcap">Charles G. Leland</span>, F.R.L.S., M.A.
+Volume I.&mdash;Florentine Nights, Schnabelewopski. The
+Rabbi of Bacharach, and Shakespeare&rsquo;s Maidens and
+Women. Volumes II. and III., Pictures of Travel. In
+Two Volumes. Volume IV., The Book of Songs. Volumes
+V. and VI., Germany. In Two Volumes. Crown 8vo, <i>5s.</i>
+each.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p class="center"><i>21 BEDFORD STREET, LONDON, W.C.</i></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/back_cover.jpg" title="Back Cover Logo" alt="" width="100" height="88" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="tnote">
+<h2><a name="TNOTE" id="TNOTE"></a>Transcriber&rsquo;s Note.</h2>
+
+<p>The use of both &ldquo;Lady T.&rdquo; and &ldquo;Lady T&rdquo;; &ldquo;good-by&rdquo; and &ldquo;good-bye&rdquo; is as
+per the original.</p>
+
+<p class="hang">Typographic errors have been corrected as follows:<br />
+On page 135: &ldquo;[<i>Outside.</i>] Hi, hi! Come here! hi!&rdquo;&mdash;had &ldquo;Ouiside&rdquo;.<br />
+Punctuation errors and mismatched brackets have been corrected without note.</p>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cabinet Minister, by Arthur Pinero
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+</body>
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+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cabinet Minister, by Arthur Pinero
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Cabinet Minister
+       A farce in four acts
+
+Author: Arthur Pinero
+
+Release Date: October 1, 2010 [EBook #33957]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CABINET MINISTER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by K Nordquist, Branko Collin, Louise Pattison
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images
+generously made available by The Internet Archive/Canadian
+Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+_The Cabinet Minister_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Arthur W. Pinero_
+
+
+
+
+_THE CABINET MINISTER_
+
+
+
+
+_THE PLAYS OF ARTHUR W. PINERO._
+
+IN MONTHLY VOLUMES.
+
+Price _1s. 6d._, paper; _2s. 6 d._, cloth.
+
+     1. _+The Times.+ A Comedy in Four Acts._
+
+     2. _+The Profligate.+ A Play in Four Acts. With a Portrait, and
+        a Preface by Malcolm C. Salaman._
+
+     3. _+The Cabinet Minister.+ A Farce in Four Acts. With an
+        Introductory Note by Malcolm C. Salaman._
+
+     4. _+The Hobby Horse.+ [Ready February._
+
+_To be followed by "Lady Bountiful," "Dandy Dick," "The Magistrate,"
+"The Schoolmistress," "The Weaker Sex," "Lords and Commons," "The
+Squire," and "Sweet Lavender."_
+
+
+
+
+THE CABINET MINISTER
+
+A FARCE
+
+In Four Acts
+
+By ARTHUR W. PINERO
+
+LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN
+
+MDCCCXCII
+
+COPYRIGHT, JANUARY 1892.
+
+_All rights reserved._
+
+_Entered at Stationers' Hall._
+
+_Entered at the Library of Congress, Washington, U.S.A._
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTORY NOTE
+
+
+It is well known that Mr. Pinero holds decided views of his own as to
+the nature and function of farce; indeed, he claims for it a wider scope
+and a more comprehensive purpose than have ever been associated with
+farce of the old Adelphi type, or the more modern genus of the Palais
+Royal. He has openly expressed his opinion that farce must gradually
+become the modern equivalent of comedy, since the present being an age
+of sentiment rather than of manners, the comic playwright must of
+necessity seek his humour in the exaggeration of sentiment. Thus Mr.
+Pinero holds that farce should treat of probable people placed in
+possible circumstances, but regarded from a point of view which
+exaggerates their sentiments and magnifies their foibles. In this light
+it is permitted to this class of play, not only to deal with ridiculous
+incongruities of incident and character, but to satirise society, and to
+wring laughter from those possible distresses of life which might trace
+their origin to fallacies of feeling and extravagances of motive.
+
+"The Cabinet Minister" is the latest of Mr. Pinero's series of farces,
+and it may be regarded as the direct development of ideas which he began
+to put into practice when he wrote "The Magistrate." Since then these
+ideas have undergone a process of gradual evolution, which may be
+clearly traced through the successive productions of "The
+Schoolmistress," "Dandy Dick," and "The Cabinet Minister," in each of
+which it will be seen that the author has aimed less at the exposition
+of a plot than at the satirising of particular types of character in a
+possible social atmosphere.
+
+"The Cabinet Minister" was written early in 1889, and produced by Mrs.
+John Wood and Mr. Arthur Chudleigh at the Court Theatre, on April 23,
+1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following is a copy of the Programme:--
+
+    ROYAL COURT THEATRE.
+
+    UNDER THE MANAGEMENT OF MRS. JOHN WOOD.
+
+    ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23rd,
+
+    At 8 o'clock,
+
+    WILL BE ACTED FOR THE FIRST TIME
+
+    AN ORIGINAL FARCE IN FOUR ACTS, CALLED
+
+    THE CABINET MINISTER,
+
+    BY
+
+    A. W. PINERO.
+
+
+  EARL OF DRUMDURRIS
+    (in the Guards)                               Mr. RICHARD SAUNDERS.
+
+  VISCOUNT  ABERBROTHOCK
+      (his Son)                                      *   *   *   *
+
+  RIGHT HON. SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, G.C.M.G., M.P.
+    (Secretary of State for the ---- Department)  Mr. ARTHUR CECIL.
+
+  BROOKE TWOMBLEY (his Son)                       Mr. E. ALLAN AYNESWORTH.
+
+  MACPHAIL OF BALLOCHEEVIN                        Mr. BRANDON THOMAS.
+
+  MR. JOSEPH LEBANON                              Mr. WEEDON GROSSMITH.
+
+  VALENTINE WHITE
+    (Lady Twombley's Nephew)                      Mr. HERBERT WARING.
+
+  MR. MITFORD[A]
+    (Sir Julian's Private Secretary)              Mr. FRANK FARREN.
+
+  THE MUNKITTRICK                                 Mr. JOHN CLULOW.
+
+  PROBYN (A Servant)                              Mr. ERNEST PATON.
+
+  DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS                  Miss R. G. LE THIERE.
+
+  LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART (her Daughter)             Miss ISABEL ELLISSEN.
+
+  COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS                          Miss EVA MOORE.
+
+  LADY TWOMBLEY                                   Mrs. JOHN WOOD.
+
+  IMOGEN (her Daughter)                           Miss FLORENCE TANNER.
+
+  LADY MACPHAIL                                   Mrs. EDMUND PHELPS.
+
+  HON. MRS. GAYLUSTRE
+    (a Young Widow trading as Mauricette
+    et Cie., 17A, Plunkett Street, Mayfair)      Miss ROSINA FILIPPI.
+
+  ANGELE                                         Miss MARIANNE CALDWELL.
+
+  MISS MUNKITTRICK                               Miss FLORENCE HARRINGTON.
+
+    [A] _Subsequently changed to_ MELTON.
+
+
+    ACT I.
+
+    DEBT.
+
+    _At_ Sir JULIAN TWOMBLEY'S, _Chesterfield Gardens. May._
+
+
+    ACT II.
+
+    DIFFICULTIES.
+
+    _At_ Sir JULIAN'S _again. July._
+
+
+    ACT III.
+
+    DISASTER.
+
+    _At Drumdurris Castle, Perthshire. August._
+
+
+    ACT IV.
+
+    DANCING.
+
+    _The same place. The next day._
+
+
+    THE SCENERY IS DESIGNED AND PAINTED BY T. W. HALL.
+
+
+The reception on the first night was of a half-hearted character, for
+the play had been described simply as a farce, and the audience found
+itself laughing at seemingly serious situations which it felt should
+properly provoke tears, feeling sympathetically interested in passages
+of sentiment one moment, only to mock at them the next, and, in fact,
+experiencing constant perplexity as to its emotional duties. The
+programme certainly said "farce" in black and white, and what could that
+mean but unmitigated nonsense and laughter? Yet, here was actual drama
+with a whimsical twist that was most surprising; here were bits of
+pathos which were positively comic. Could this be farce? But happily
+that kind of criticism is soon forgotten whose principle is, like that
+of _Mr. Punch's_ navvy, "Here's a stranger, let's 'eave 'alf a brick at
+him." The "mixed" greeting of "The Cabinet Minister" gave place to very
+enthusiastic receptions on succeeding nights, and, in spite of the
+perplexity confessed in many of the criticisms of the play, the theatre
+was crowded night after night, and the fashionable and political worlds
+flocked to the Court, many leading politicians being frequent visitors.
+
+The season terminated on August 8, and the theatre re-opened on October
+11, from which time the popularity of Mr. Pinero's play continued as
+great as ever. But, after 197 performances, Mrs. John Wood decided to
+withdraw "The Cabinet Minister" on February 14, 1891, in the very zenith
+of its success, while a further long run was still to be reasonably
+expected. This play has not yet been seen in the provinces, but Mr.
+Augustin Daly has arranged to produce it, with his famous company, at
+his theatre in New York early in the present month.
+
+    MALCOLM C. SALAMAN.
+
+    _January 1892._
+
+
+
+
+_THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY_
+
+
+    RIGHT HON. SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, G.C.M.G.,
+      M.P., _Secretary of State for the * * * Department_
+
+    LADY TWOMBLEY
+
+    BROOKE TWOMBLEY, _their son_
+
+    IMOGEN, _their daughter_
+
+    DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS
+
+    LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART, _her daughter_
+
+    EARL OF DRUMDURRIS
+
+    COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS
+
+    VISCOUNT ABERBROTHOCK, _their son_
+
+    LADY MACPHAIL
+
+    MACPHAIL OF BALLOCHEEVIN, _her son_
+
+    VALENTINE WHITE, _Lady Twombley's nephew_
+
+    HON. MRS. GAYLUSTRE, _trading as Mauricette et Cie.,
+      17a Plunkett Street, Mayfair_
+
+    MR. JOSEPH LEBANON
+
+    MR. MELTON
+
+    THE MUNKITTRICK
+
+    MISS MUNKITTRICK
+
+    PROBYN
+
+    ANGELE
+
+
+
+
+    _THE FIRST ACT_
+
+    DEBT
+
+
+    _THE SECOND ACT_
+
+    DIFFICULTIES
+
+
+    _THE THIRD ACT_
+
+    DISASTER
+
+
+    _THE FOURTH ACT_
+
+    DANCING
+
+
+
+
+THE CABINET MINISTER
+
+
+
+
+THE FIRST ACT.
+
+DEBT
+
+
+The scene is a conservatory built and decorated in Moorish style, in the
+house of the RT. HON. SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, M.P., Chesterfield Gardens,
+London. A fountain is playing, and tall palms lend their simple elegance
+to the elaborate Algerian magnificence of the place. The drawing-rooms
+are just beyond the curtained entrances. It is a May afternoon.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY, a good-looking but insipid young man of about
+two-and-twenty, faultlessly dressed for the afternoon, enters, and sits
+dejectedly, turning over some papers.
+
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I've done it. Such an afternoon's work--what! [Reading.] "Schedule of
+the Debts of Mr. Brooke Twombley. [Turning over sheet after sheet.]
+Tradesmen. Betting Transactions. Baccarat. Miscellaneous Amusements.
+Sundries. Extras."
+
+[PROBYN, a servant in powder and livery, is crossing the conservatory,
+when he sees BROOKE.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Oh, Mr. Brooke.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Slipping the schedule into his pocket.] Eh!
+
+PROBYN.
+
+I didn't know you were in, sir. Her ladyship told me to give you this,
+Mr. Brooke--quietly.
+
+[He hands BROOKE a letter which he has taken from his pocket.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Glancing at the envelope.] The Mater. Thank you. [A little cough is
+heard. He looks toward the drawing-room.] Is anyone there?
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Mrs. Gaylustre, sir.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+The dressmaker! What does she want?
+
+PROBYN.
+
+She told Phipps, Miss Imogen's maid, sir, that she was anxious to see
+the effect of her ladyship's and Miss Imogen's gowns when they get back
+from the Drawing-Room.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+You should take her upstairs.
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Beg your pardon, Mr. Brooke, but we've always understood that when Mrs.
+Gaylustre calls in the morning she's a dressmaker, and when she calls in
+the afternoon she's a lady.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, very well; it's awfully confusing. [PROBYN goes out. BROOKE reads
+the letter.] "My sweet child. For heaven's sake let me have your
+skeddle, or whatever you call your list of debts, directly. I'll do my
+best to get you out of your scrape, though _how_ I can't think. I'm
+desperately short of money, and altogether--as my poor dear father used
+to say--things are as blue as old Stilton. If your pa finds out what a
+muddle I'm in, I fear he'll throw up public life and bury us in the
+country, and then good-by to my dear boy's and girl's prospects. So if I
+contrive to clear you once more, don't do it again, my poppet, or you'll
+break the heart of your loving mother, Kitty Twombley." The Mater's a
+brick--what! But I wonder if she has any notion how much it tots up to.
+
+[He places the letter upon the back of a large saddle-bag arm-chair
+while he takes out the schedule.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Three thousand seven hundred and fifty-six, nought, two. What!
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+A young man wants to see you, Mr. Brooke.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Who is it?
+
+PROBYN.
+
+No card, sir--and rather queerly dressed. Says he has a wish to shake
+hands with you on the door-step.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I say! He mustn't, you know--what!
+
+PROBYN.
+
+I don't quite like the look of him, sir; gives the name of White--Mr.
+Valentine White.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, that's my cousin!
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Cousin, sir! I beg pardon.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Where is he?
+
+[BROOKE goes out quickly, followed by PROBYN. The HON. MRS. GAYLUSTRE,
+an attractive, self-possessed, mischievous-looking woman, of not more
+than thirty, very fashionably dressed, enters from the drawing-room.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+How very charming! Lady Twombley's latest fad, the Algerian
+conservatory. And there was a time when a sprig of geranium on the
+window-sill would have contented her. [Looking at a photograph of LADY
+TWOMBLEY upon the table.] There she is--Kitty Twombley. In one of my
+gowns too. Kitty Twombley, once Kitty White, the daughter of a poor
+farmer down in Cleverton. Ah, when young Mr. Julian Twombley came
+canvassing Farmer White's vote he found you innocently scrubbing the
+bricks, I suppose! And now! [With a courtesy.] Lady Twombley, wife of a
+Cabinet Minister and Patroness Extraordinary of that deserving young
+widow, Fanny Gaylustre! [She sits surveying the portraits upon the
+table.] Ha, ha! I'll turn you all to account some fine day. Why
+shouldn't I finish as well as the dairy-fed daughter of a Devonshire
+yokel? What on earth is wrong with my bonnet? [She puts her hand up
+behind her head and finds LADY TWOMBLEY's letter which BROOKE had left
+on the back of the chair.] Lady Twombley's writing. [Reading.] "My sweet
+child. For heaven's sake let me have your skeddle----" [She sits up
+suddenly and devours the contents of the letter.] Oh! [Reading aloud.]
+"I'm desperately short of money! Things are as blue as old Stilton! If
+your pa finds out----!" My word!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Heard speaking outside.] My dear Valentine, why shouldn't you come
+in--what?
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE creeps round in front of the table and disappears with
+the letter in her hand as BROOKE enters, dragging in VALENTINE WHITE, a
+roughly-dressed, handsome young fellow of about six-and-twenty, bronzed
+and bearded.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Now, Brooke, you know I cut away from England years ago because I
+couldn't endure ceremony of any kind.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I'm not treating you with ceremony--what!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Looking about him.] Phew! the atmosphere's charged with it. That fellow
+with his hair powdered nearly sent me running down the street like a mad
+dog.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Where the deuce have you been for the last six or eight years?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Where? Oh, buy a geography; call it, "Explorations of Valentine White in
+Search of Freedom," and there you have it.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Freedom!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Blessed freedom from forms, shams, and ceremonies of all sorts and
+descriptions.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, you left us for South Africa. Didn't South Africa satisfy you?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Satisfy me! I joined the expedition to Bangwaketsi. What were the
+consequences?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Fever?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Worse. There's no ceremony about fever. No, Brooke, I was snubbed by a
+major in the Kalahari Desert, because I didn't dress for dinner.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then we heard of you herding filthy cattle in Mexico.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Yes, at Durango. I enjoyed that, till some younger sons of the nobility
+came out and left cards at my hut. I afterwards drove a railway engine
+in Bolivia.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+By Jove, how awful--what! Wasn't that sufficiently beastly rough?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+My dear fellow, would you believe it--I got hold of a stoker who was a
+decayed British baronet! The affected way in which that man shovelled on
+coals was unendurable. So I've come back, hopelessly wise.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Serve you right for kicking at refinement and good form and all that
+sort of thing. What!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Mimicking BROOKE.] Varnish, and veneer, and all that sort of
+thing--what!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, confound you! Well, you'll dine here at a quarter to eight, Val,
+won't you?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Dine in Chesterfield Gardens! Thirteen courses and eight wines! Heaven
+forgive you, Brooke.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Look here, you shall eat on the floor with a wooden spoon.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Thank you--even your floors are too highly polished. Tell Aunt Kitty and
+little Imogen that I shall walk in Kensington Gardens to-morrow morning
+at ten.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Little Imogen! Haw, haw!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Well?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I think it will pretty considerably wound your susceptibilities to hear
+that my sister Imogen is being presented by the Mater this afternoon.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[In horror.] Presented!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Presented at Court--Drawing-Room, you know.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+How dare they! poor little child!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Haw, haw! If you'll wait a few minutes you'll see an imposing display of
+trains and feathers. Some of them are coming on here after the ceremony
+to drink tea, I believe.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Trains and feathers! Good gracious, Brooke, Imogen must have grown up!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Here's her portrait--what?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Staring at the portrait.] I am right, Brooke--she _has_ grown up!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Haw!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Eight years ago she was a romp, with a frock that always had a tear in
+it, and a head like a cornfield in the wind. Just look at this! While
+I've been away they've given her a new frock and brushed her hair. What
+an awful change!
+
+[PROBYN appears at the conservatory entrance.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Lady Euphemia Vibart.
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART, a handsome, distinguished-looking, and elegantly
+dressed girl of about twenty, enters. She scarcely notices VALENTINE,
+who bows formally.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+No one has returned yet, Brooke?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Effie, don't you recollect Mr. White?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh! how do you do? [She shakes hands with him in an affected manner.] We
+are distantly related, I remember.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Lady Euphemia, I join you in remembering the relationship--and the
+distance.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, I don't mean that, Mr. White. At any rate, we were excellent friends
+many years ago when our cousin Imogen used to give us tea in her
+school-room. She will be _too_ rejoiced at your return.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[At the window.] Hullo, I think pa has come home.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Good-by, Lady Euphemia.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I say, Effie, Mr. White won't stay.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Indifferently.] What a pity!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+He has turned against civilization, you know, and has become a sort of
+pleasant cannibal.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+A cannibal! That is _too_ interesting. Pray remain, Mr. White. My
+brother, Lord Drumdurris, is on duty at the Palace to-day and is coming
+on here. We all knew each other as children. He will be _too_ delighted.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I recollect Lord Vibart, as he then was, very well. He once burnt me
+with a red-hot poker.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Good-humouredly, I am sure. Perhaps you have not heard that he married
+Lady Egidia Cardelloe, Lord Struddock's second daughter, about two years
+ago. If you stay you will meet her also.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Ah, I am afraid I--I----
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+You will find her _too_ enchanting.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, he won't. She's not tattooed or anything.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+They have a little son, just five months old, who is _too_ divine.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, now, if you boiled the baby it might be to Val's taste.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+As they have been constantly travelling, Egidia is only just presented
+to-day by my mother. You recollect Lady Drumdurris, my mother?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Perfectly.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Poking VALENTINE in the side.] Old Lady Drum!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+My mother will be _too_ charmed to meet you again.
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+[To BROOKE.] Sir Julian is coming into the conservatory, sir.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa! [PROBYN goes out.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, dear Sir Julian! [She runs out.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Look sharp, Brooke. Let me out.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Val, I'll tell you what. Come upstairs and smoke a cigarette in my room,
+and I'll bring the Mater and Imogen to you on the quiet when the people
+are gone.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Why, Brooke, do you think that Aunt Kitty and Imogen want a roving
+relative on the premises who isn't worth tuppence!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Bosh! Look out, here's pa! He seems awfully mumpish. Come on.
+
+[He takes VALENTINE out. Directly they are gone LADY EUPHEMIA re-enters
+with SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, an aristocratic but rather weak-looking man of
+about fifty-five, wearing his Ministerial uniform.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Are you pleased to get back, uncle?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Emphatically.] Yes.
+
+[She places him in the arm-chair. He sinks into it with a sigh.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+How is your neuralgia?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Intense. It has been so ever since----
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Putting her smelling-bottle to his nose.] Ever since?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ever since I took Office. Thank you.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Was it a very brilliant Drawing-Room?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I think it must have been. I have been more than usually trodden upon.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Did you catch a glimpse of Aunt Kitty or of any of our people?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I _heard_ Lady Twombley. What inexhaustible spirit she has! Euphemia, my
+dear, I confide in you. But for Lady Twombley I could never endure the
+badgering, the browbeating, the hackling, for which I seem especially
+selected.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+It's _too_ unjust.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I know I am going to have a bad time in the House to-night!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Don't dwell upon it, uncle.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Euphemia! [He jumps up almost fiercely.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Uncle Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Certain members of the Opposition are going too far. They regard me as a
+bull in the arena. They goad me, they pierce me with questions. And
+then, the lack of journalistic sympathy! Look here!
+
+[He stealthily produces a newspaper from his pocket.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Reproachfully.] Uncle Julian, you've bought a newspaper. You promised
+aunt you never would.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+H'm! I would have you know, Euphemia, that I have not absolutely broken
+my pledge to Lady Twombley. I made Harris, the coachman, purchase this.
+As you drive home drop it out of your carriage window.
+
+[As LADY EUPHEMIA takes the paper from him her eyes fall upon a
+paragraph.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh! do they mean you, uncle?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Without doubt.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Reading.] "The Square Peg!"
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hush! the servant!
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA crams the paper into her pocket. PROBYN enters, carrying
+a small music-easel with some music on it and a flute in a case.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Here, Sir Julian?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, do play, uncle!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To PROBYN.] Thank you.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+It will soothe you.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Taking the flute from PROBYN.] My only vice, Euphemia. [PROBYN goes
+out. SIR JULIAN sounds a mournful note.] This little friend has inspired
+some of my most conspicuous oratorical triumphs. It has furnished me
+with many a cutting rejoinder for question time. [He sounds another
+note.] Ah, I know I am going to have such a bad night in the House.
+
+[He plays. MRS. GAYLUSTRE enters with BROOKE.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[To herself.] That woman!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To LADY EUPHEMIA.] How do you do?
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA stares, inclines her head slightly, and goes to BROOKE.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] Haughty wretch!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mrs. Gaylustre!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, Sir Julian, don't, don't stop!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I thought I was alone with Lady Euphemia.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I am waiting to see dear Lady Twombley. Oh, do permit me to hear that
+sweet instrument!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pray sit down!
+
+[SIR JULIAN resumes his seat and plays a plaintive melody. MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE listens in a rapt attitude.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[To BROOKE.] That person is _too_ odious to me.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Several people have taken her up.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Somehow, being taken up is what she suggests.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+She seems a sort of society mermaid--half a lady and half a
+milliner--what? Only it bothers you to know where the one leaves off and
+the other begins. Who is she?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+In prehistoric days she was a Miss Lebanon. Lord Bulpitt's son, Percy
+Gaylustre, met her at Nice--or somewhere.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, yes, and he married her--or something.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Yes, and now she's a widow--or something.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why does the Mater encourage her?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Because Aunt Kate is _too_ good-hearted and impressionable. But, as a
+rule, I think Mrs. Gaylustre makes a considerable reduction to those who
+ask her to their parties. [MRS. GAYLUSTRE is bending over SIR JULIAN and
+turning his music.] Look!
+
+[PROBYN appears at the entrance.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Here's Sir Julian, my lady.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hullo, Mater!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY, a handsome, bright, good-humoured woman, dressed
+magnificently in Court dress, enters. PROBYN retires, and SIR JULIAN
+stops playing.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Kissing BROOKE.] Well, Brooke, darling, have you wanted your mother?
+[Kissing LADY EUPHEMIA.] Effie, how sweet you look! what a dream of a
+bonnet! [Nods to MRS. GAYLUSTRE.] How d'ye do, Mrs. Gaylustre? Why, pa!
+[She bends over him and kisses him.] You're worried--you've been
+playing your whistle.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Flute, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I mean flute. It was my brother Bob who always played a whistle when the
+crops were poor or the lambs fell sickly.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I had not the advantage of your brother Robert's acquaintance.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Where's Imogen? Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Outside.] Mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Come and show yourself to pa.
+
+[IMOGEN enters in her Court dress, a pretty girl of about eighteen.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Effie, dear! Well, Brooke!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To SIR JULIAN.] Look at her!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Quite charming!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Well, papa, have you nothing to say to me?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear, I hesitate to address such a magnificent creature.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Bowing to SIR JULIAN.] Mamma, I think that gentleman wishes to be
+presented to me. I have no objection, if you consider him a person I
+ought to know.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Kissing IMOGEN.] Ah, Julian, our sweet child!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Taking IMOGEN's hand.] My dear.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[With dignity.] I am pleased to make your acquaintance. I've heard you
+mentioned very kindly by my little friend, Imogen Twombley. Pray sit
+down, and I'll sit on your lap. [IMOGEN sits on SIR JULIAN's knee and
+puts her arm round his neck.] Oh, papa, I have been so nervous!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I quite sympathize. I was shockingly nervous when _I_ was presented.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Rising hastily.] Mrs. Gaylustre--I didn't see you.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To BROOKE and LADY EUPHEMIA.] Dear old Lady Leeke, whose wheels we
+locked in the Park, said she had heard Imogen's name mentioned fifty
+times. Mrs. Charlie Lessingham declares nothing prettier has been seen
+since her own first season. And it's true--that's the best of it! I saw
+the child make her courtesy; I was determined I would. I entered the
+Throne Room just before her and tumbled through anyhow, with one eye
+straight in front of me and the other screwed round towards my girl.
+There was a general shudder--it was at my squint.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I trust not, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+When I did get through they gave me my train, as much as to say: "If
+this belongs to you, take it home as soon as possible." But there I
+stuck in the doorway, not budging an inch. I didn't care how the
+officials whispered, and waved, and beckoned; I stood my ground. And
+then, Julian, then my breath nearly went from me, for I saw her coming!
+Effie, it was lovely! Brooke, you would have been proud of your sister!
+Her cheeks were like the outside leaf of a Duchesse de Vallombrosa rose,
+and her eyes like two dewdrops on the top of it; and she had just enough
+fright in her little heart to make her feathers tremble. Then she
+courtesied. Ah, if she had stumbled I should have been by her side in an
+instant--who would have blamed me? I'm her mother!--but she didn't. No,
+she floated towards me--dipping, and dipping, and dipping, again and
+again, as smoothly and gracefully as a swan swimming backward!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY embraces IMOGEN.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+I am _too_ glad, Aunt Kitty.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Awfully satisfactory--what?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I remember Lady Liphook's daughter Miriam falling and rolling over in
+the season of '85.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lor' how sorry I feel for anybody who isn't a mother! But, I say,
+there's a bit that wants taking in there. [Pinching up the shoulder of
+IMOGEN's dress.] Gaylustre, you must tell your woman Antoinette this
+won't do.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, Lady Twombley--please!
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE puts her handkerchief to her eyes.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear, pray forgive me! I really forgot where we were.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY, with a little sob.] You wouldn't hurt my feelings
+wilfully, I know.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Not for the world. But it's a little confusing, mixing up business with
+pleasure. Imogen, let Lady Effie and Mrs. Gaylustre hear you play your
+lovely harp, but don't let the nasty thing hurt your fingers. Brooke, I
+want to speak to you.
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA and IMOGEN stroll out, followed by MRS. GAYLUSTRE.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Mournfully.] I'll dress now, Katherine, and go down.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lor', pa, don't speak as if you were thinking of our tomb at Kensal
+Green.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Competent authorities assure me there is quiet to be found in the tomb;
+I anticipate nothing of that kind where I am going to-night.
+
+[He goes out. LADY TWOMBLEY watches his going, then turns to BROOKE
+sharply.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, have you got it?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+My--er----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your skeddle.
+
+[BROOKE hands his schedule to LADY TWOMBLEY.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+There's a dear boy. [She turns over the leaves, gradually her face
+assumes a look of horror.] "Total, three thousand----!"
+
+[She folds the schedule, puts it in her pocket, and faces BROOKE
+fiercely with her hands clenched.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You imp! [She boxes his right ear soundly.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mater!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You villain! [She boxes his left ear.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't, Mater!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Three thousand pounds! Three thousand times I wish you had never been
+born! I--I---- [She breaks down, puts her arms round Brooke's neck, and
+cries.] Oh, Brooke, my dear, forgive your poor mother's vile temper.
+I've made my Brooke's head ache. Oh, my gracious!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't fret, Mater. If you're run rather low at Scott's----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Scott's, Brooke! When I creep into that bank now and ask for my
+pass-book I have to hold on to the edge of the counter, I feel so sick
+and giddy.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, very well then, Mater, I can wait. Mr. Nazareth, of Burlington
+Street, will accommodate me for a time; a couple of bills, you know, at
+three and six months--what?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Speaking in a whisper.] Brooky, Brooky, I've thought of those dreadful
+things for myself.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+For yourself, Mater! Why, you can always get the right side of pa.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Brooke! Brooky, I must tell you. Just now poor pa has no right side.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mater!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's as much as the dear man can do to get a rattle out of his keys. For
+a long time, Brooke, we've all been outrunning the constable.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Really, Mater, I ought to have been consulted before.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know, Brooke, but I couldn't face my boy's reproaches.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa must have been inexcusably reckless--what?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, it's all my fault, every bit of it. [A pretty melody on the harp is
+heard.] Brooke, never marry a country-bred girl as your pa did. When he
+fell in love with me I was content with three frocks a year--think of
+that!--and had to twist up my own hats. And I could have done it for
+ever down at Cleverton, but I didn't stand the transplanting. Oh, I'll
+never forget how the fine folks snubbed me and sneered at me when I came
+to town. Brooke, my son, I declare to goodness that for ten long years I
+never saw a nose that wasn't turned up! And then pa got his baronetcy,
+and old Lady Drumdurris gave us her forefinger to shake, and that did
+it. But it was too late; I was spoilt by that time. I had been too long
+fishing for friends with dances, and dinners, and drags, and
+race-parties, and all sorts of bait; and when the time came for a few
+people to like me for my own stupid, rough self I'd got into the way of
+scattering sovereigns as freely as I used to sprinkle mignonette seed in
+my little garden at the Yale Farm.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+All this is very painful, Mater--what?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Crying.] What a silly woman I've been, Brooke!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+We're all thoughtless at times.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+If I had but pulled in when pa's Irish rents began to dwindle!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why didn't you, Mater?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I don't know, but I didn't, I only prayed for better times and ordered
+Gillow to refurnish the dining-room. Last season I got through eighteen
+thousand pounds!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+[She twists him round, pointing to the walls of the conservatory.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+And look! Look at this sixpenny Algerian grotto I've stuck in the middle
+of the house. Seven thousand four hundred and fifty this cost, not
+counting the hot-water pipes.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Is it paid for?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your dear pa transferred the money for it to my account at Scott's, but
+I've gone and spent it on other things.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mater!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, my poor heart!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, Mater, any assistance I can render you in this emergency----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, I know. [Seizing his hand and kissing it.] My Brooke! my comfort!
+
+PROBYN.
+
+[Outside.] Lady Drumdurris--Dowager Lady Drumdurris.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Egidia and Aunt Dora.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Wiping her eyes.] Your aunt mustn't see me upset. Brooke, don't think
+anything more of what I've told you. I've tumbled into the mud before
+now, but mud dries to dust and I've always managed to shake it off.
+Dora!
+
+[The DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS enters--a portly, rather
+formidable-looking lady of forty-five or fifty, in Court dress and
+diamonds.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, Dora, are you tired?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I hope I am never fatigued in doing my duty to my family, Kate. Here is
+poor Egidia.
+
+[EGIDIA, COUNTESS OF DRUMDURRIS enters--a small, serious girl, with a
+great deal of presence and dignity, also in Court dress.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+How do you do, Lady Twombley?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, _poor_ Egidia! Aren't you well, dear?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Egidia received a telegram from Scotland this morning; her son has cut
+his first tooth, during her absence, painfully.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, dear!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+You also are a mother, Lady Twombley. You can sympathize with such cares
+as those I am now endeavouring to sustain.
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA and IMOGEN stroll in.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your boy is five months old, isn't he?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Fergus is precisely five months.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, there are two-and-twenty more teeth to come yet, you know.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Yes, I am schooling myself into that conviction. I am naturally, I hope,
+a woman of more than ordinary courage.
+
+[PROBYN appears at the entrance.]
+
+Probyn.
+
+Lord Drumdurris.
+
+[The EARL OF DRUMDURRIS, a boyish-looking officer of the Guards, in
+uniform, with much dignity and reserve, enters.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+How do you do, Lady Twombley? Egidia.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Keith, you have further news from Scotland?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Another telegram.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah!
+
+[She puts her hand calmly in that of the DOWAGER.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Tell us, my son.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Another tooth. [EGIDIA closes her eyes. The DOWAGER kisses her upon the
+brow.] I offered Lady Macphail and Sir Colin the use of my brougham, but
+they preferred coming on here in their chariot.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lady Macphail and Sir Colin! Coming here!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] I haven't told you what I've done. Keith!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[Bowing.] Certainly.
+
+[He joins the others, who are talking together.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] I have a motive. My whole life has been one vast
+comprehensive motive. Lady Macphail is the little woman to whom I
+introduced you on the stairs at the Palace.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, but----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I encountered her again, and delivered a message from you begging her to
+come on here with Sir Colin to drink tea.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I never----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I know you didn't. My motive is this. She has just brought her boy to
+London.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Is he the great man in the kilt I saw holding on to her lappets?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Yes.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+He's thirty, if he's an hour.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+He's more. But he is a fine example of the grand simplicity that exists
+in many Scottish families. Proprietor of eighty thousand acres, head of
+a great clan, Colin Macphail of Ballocheevin remains a child attached to
+his mother.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I shall be very happy to----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah, you grasp my motive!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, I don't.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[In LADY TWOMBLEY's ear.] _Imogen._
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Imogen _must_ make a match this season and marry before the year is out.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Don't deceive yourself, Kate Twombley. You are aware that Julian's
+position in the Ministry is precarious?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You think so?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Everybody thinks so. It's my opinion they'll make a Jonah of him and
+cast him from them before many months are over. You know what that
+means?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Horrible! Julian giving up public life and settling down in some dismal
+swamp as a country gentleman. He has threatened it.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Very well then; you must assure your children's future before the blow
+falls. What could you do for Imogen in the country?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+A vicar or a small squire.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+More likely a curate or a farmer. Will you resign yourself to that?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never, Dora! I never will! I've had to swallow the husks of London and
+my chicks shall have the barley. Julian _shall_ hold on till they have
+made brilliant marriages!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+He shall! Afterwards I'll go back to darning stockings with a light
+heart.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Well spoken, Kate Twombley!
+
+[PROBYN appears at the entrance.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Sir Colin and Lady Macphail.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] You see my motive?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes, Dora.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL and SIR COLIN enter--she a simple little old woman in
+Court dress, ecstatically sentimental; he a formidable-looking bearded
+man about six feet high, in full Highland costume, bashful and awkward
+in manner, and keeping close to his mother.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY MACPHAIL.] I am delighted to see you here.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Presenting MACPHAIL.] My boy. [He shelters himself behind her and bows
+uneasily.] I have determined to give the lad a season in this mighty
+city, Lady Twombley.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, he'll enjoy himself, I'm sure.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Nay, the Macphails never enjoy themselves in the South.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I'm very sorry; perhaps they don't go the right way about it.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Already Colin's feet ache----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Do they?
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ache to press the heather again, searching for a sight of the red-deer
+in the misty chasms of Ben Muchty, or the wild birds fluttering on the
+gray shore of Loch-na-Doich.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, very pretty country, I dare say.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Where would you be, Colin, at this hour at Castle Ballocheevin? Watching
+the sun sink behind the black peak of Ben-na-Vrachie? Speak, lad!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Sadly.] That is so, mother.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Do you do that every evening at home?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ah, a Macphail always feels like a seagull with a broken wing in the
+South.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You must take care you don't get him run over.
+
+PROBYN.
+
+[Appearing at the entrance.] Tea is in the yellow room, my lady.
+
+[DRUMDURRIS, BROOKE, EGIDIA, and LADY EUPHEMIA go out.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Introducing IMOGEN.] Lady Macphail, Sir Colin--my niece, Imogen.
+Imogen, take Sir Colin to tea.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+This way, Sir Colin.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] You see my motive?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Waiting for MACPHAIL.] Tea is in this room, Sir Colin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Looking at IMOGEN, and then, appealingly, at LADY MACPHAIL.] Come,
+mother.
+
+[IMOGEN, MACPHAIL, and LADY MACPHAIL go out.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY, following the others.] He is impressed!
+
+[SIR JULIAN, in evening dress, enters with a letter in his hand.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine! Katherine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I must speak to you.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+But Dora has just brought a Highland youth here.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I can't help it.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What's wrong, pa? How pale and waxy you look!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Handing her the letter.] An urgent letter from old Mr. Mason, my
+solicitor, about my affairs.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, Lor', pa--another!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You have it upside down.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Everything connected with our affairs _will_ get that way.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mason is imperative.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+He insists upon your considering your pecuniary position.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+What shall I do?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Accede to his request--consider it.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But I am constantly considering it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hush, pa!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No man's pecuniary position has ever demanded or received more
+consideration than my own. Day and night my pecuniary position lashes my
+brain into the consistency of a whipped egg.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, be calm!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Kate, my pecuniary position interposes between me and grave public
+questions. My very spectacles are toned by it. It is in every blue-book,
+in every page of Hansard, in the preamble of every Bill.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, dear pa!
+
+Sir Julian Twombley.
+
+It sits with me in committees, accompanies me into the lobbies; it
+receives deputations, replies to questions in the House; it forms part
+of the deliberations of the Cabinet. It warps my political sympathies;
+it distorts my judgment; it obscures my eloquence, and it lames my
+logic! [Taking the letter from LADY TWOMBLEY.] And Mason--asks--me--to
+consider it!
+
+[Leans his head on his hands. She sits on the arm of his chair.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Tearfully.] Julian, you--mustn't--give way. Suppose the members of the
+Opposition saw you like this.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[With a groan.] Oh!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Think of those persons who sit--where is it?--on the hatchway--or below
+the gangway, or some uncomfortable place. How rejoiced they'd be!
+[Shaking him gently.] Have courage, Julian--perk up, pa dear.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I cannot go on, Kitty.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, don't say that!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mason's letter decides me.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+To do what!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yield to a sentiment which I have reason to believe exists on both sides
+of the House----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Resign?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Resign my place in the Ministry--ask for the Chiltern Hundreds----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Wind up my affairs in town----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, no!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+And seek peace in rural retirement.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You shan't, pa! Oh, my gracious, you wouldn't be so heartless!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Heartless!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Kneeling beside him.] Think of my blessed chicks--my babies. Don't go
+under, Julian, till we've given them the benefit of our magnificent
+position----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Our mag----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Wait till my Brooky--our Brooky--has won some handsome, wealthy girl who
+is worthy of him. Hold on till Imogen has made a marriage that will
+make every true mother's mouth water. Then I'll settle down with you
+alone, in a marsh. But don't sink into obscurity till the end of the
+year! I can do wonders by Christmas! Give me till then, pa--give me till
+then!
+
+[She throws her arms round his neck. IMOGEN's harp is heard again. MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE enters.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+The wretches! how they ignore me! [Seeing SIR JULIAN and LADY TWOMBLEY.]
+Ah!
+
+[Hiding herself behind a pillar she listens.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But--but--but if I desperately cling to public life a little longer I
+must have money.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Of course--of course you must have money. But, Julian, you must look to
+me for that.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You, Katherine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You must think only of your value to the country, and--leave the rest to
+your wife.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Kitty, you have made some little private hoard out of your allowance!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Sinking faintly onto the settee.] Well, pa.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+How prudent! How thoughtful!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Go--go to Dora. Make my excuses. I'll follow you when I've pulled myself
+together.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes, yes. [Turning.] By the way, Kitty, Hopwoods have just sent in their
+bill for erecting this conservatory.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Clinging to the back of the chair.] Oh!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You remember I transferred, at your request, seven thousand some odd
+pounds to your account at Scott's when we projected
+the--h'm!--pardonable little extravagance?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Y--yes.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hopwoods can wait till midsummer. Perhaps you wouldn't mind letting me
+have the use of the money in the meantime?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, certainly not.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+A cheque any day this week----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+All days are equally convenient.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Kitty, I _will_ hold on till Christmas!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you, pa--I---- [She turns to him suddenly.] Oh, pa, I haven't
+got--I haven't--I----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Haven't what, Kitty?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+N--nothing. Go--go to Dora. [He goes out.] Oh! where shall I turn for
+money? Where shall I turn? Where shall I turn--for money? [MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE advances and faces LADY TWOMBLEY.] Ah! Mrs. Gaylustre!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, Lady Twombley, I am in such distress!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Distress!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Producing LADY TWOMBLEY's letter to BROOKE.] I picked up a letter in
+the next room. I thought it was the note you wrote me about the
+plum-coloured _peignoir_ and that it had fallen from my pocket. I
+glanced at it. Oh, look! [She hands the letter to LADY TWOMBLEY.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Gracious!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But that is not the worst. It tells me that you are in trouble--you, the
+best friend I have in the world, my benefactress. Oh, what shall I do?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hold your tongue about it.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah! why did I read it through?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Because you were a little curious, I'm afraid.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I shan't sleep for it.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you, I can do all my own lying awake. Mind your own concerns for
+the future, Gaylustre.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+It _is_ my concern when I can help you.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+_You_ help me?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah, yes. Oh, let me, Lady Twombley! I don't ask to be confided in, I
+only ask to be allowed to bring my brother to see
+you--to-night--to-morrow.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your brother?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Mr. Lebanon--my Joseph. I would trust him as I'd trust myself. I have
+known him do such things in the way of raising money upon what he calls
+personal and other security----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+A money-lender?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Lady Twombley! Oh!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Does Mr. Lebanon help--people--in difficulties?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, doesn't he!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Will you see him, Lady Twombley?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't ask me. Perhaps.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+To-night?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Perhaps, I tell you.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+At what time? LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Half-past nine--sharp.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] Done!
+
+[SIR JULIAN enters with LADY MACPHAIL, MACPHAIL, and the DOWAGER. BROOKE
+follows with DRUMDURRIS, then after an interval LADY EUPHEMIA, EGIDIA,
+and IMOGEN appear.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY, reprovingly.] My dear, Lady Macphail and Sir Colin
+are going.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] You are neglecting them. What can be your motive?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY MACPHAIL.] I hope Sir Julian has explained----
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Certainly. But I must take my boy away. He dines at six to avoid late
+hours.
+
+[IMOGEN talks to MACPHAIL.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Quietly to LADY TWOMBLEY.] Look! they are talking.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Colin rises at five every morning.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dear me, how awful!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+He loves to watch the sunrise from the jagged summit of Ben-na-fechan.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+But there's no Ben-na-what-you-may-call-it here.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+No. But he sits upon the roof of our lodgings in Clarges Street.
+Good-bye, Lady Twombley.
+
+[They shake hands.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To MACPHAIL.] Good-bye. You must come and see me on one of my Tuesdays.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, with my mother.
+
+[He turns to IMOGEN; they shake hands.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Good-bye, Sir Colin.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] There again! look!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, here's Valentine! Valentine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Inquiringly.] Valentine?
+
+[BROOKE brings on VALENTINE.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[To BROOKE.] Let me go! I was trying to find my way out.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Here's Valentine, come back.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Valentine!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, my dear Val! My dear old Val!
+
+[She rushes to him impulsively and flings her arms round his neck, at
+which the DOWAGER gives a cry of horror, and there is a general movement
+of astonishment.]
+
+END OF THE FIRST ACT.
+
+
+
+
+THE SECOND ACT.
+
+DIFFICULTIES.
+
+
+The scene is a handsomely decorated and elegantly furnished morning-room
+at SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY's, with every evidence of luxury and refined
+taste. It is a July morning.
+
+SIR JULIAN is playing his flute. MR. MELTON, a good-looking,
+well-dressed young man, enters carrying a few sheets of paper.
+
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+Pardon me. [SIR JULIAN's flute gives a squeak.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, Melton?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+The arrangements for this morning are quite complete, Sir Julian.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+The arrangements?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+The arrangements for the opening of the new street.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, to be sure; I open the new street to-day. Why on earth shouldn't a
+new street be opened by a policeman during the night, quietly?
+
+[The DOWAGER LADY DRUMDURRIS, fashionably dressed for out-of-doors,
+enters.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[In a flutter.] Julian, good-morning. A glorious day for the ceremony,
+Mr. Melton. Is everything arranged?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+[Bowing.] Everything.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I have a motive for asking. I and my family accompany Sir Julian and
+Lady Twombley to lend weight and support.
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+[To SIR JULIAN.] You leave here at twelve, reaching the new street at
+half-past. You speak from the cluster of lamps by St. Jude's Church.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Your speech will be terse, elegant, and vigorous, I hope, Julian?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I hope so. Have you written it, Melton? [MELTON hands him the sheets of
+paper.] Thank you. The usual thing, I suppose?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+Quite, quite.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you. There's nothing like the usual thing. [Referring to the
+speech.] "By opening up these majestic avenues London takes beer----"
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+Air.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I beg your pardon. "----takes air into her system and keeps her place in
+the race with her sister cities." Excellent.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Who will throw the bottle?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No one, I hope.
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+You are thinking of the christening of a ship, Lady Drumdurris.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Pardon me.
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+I have to see Superintendent Snudden now as to the police arrangements.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dear me! You anticipate no pellets?
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+Hardly.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's so unfortunate it isn't a wet day.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+An umbrella is such a safeguard.
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+I'll see that the carriage closes easily.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you. And Lady Twombley might take an extra sunshade.
+
+[MELTON goes out. The DOWAGER closes the door carefully after him.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Reading.] "I can conceive no position more agreeable to a Minister of
+the Crown than that which----"
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+You wonder why I am with you at this early hour. I need hardly say I
+have a motive.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I suppose so.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Knowing that you were not going down to Browning Street this morning,
+and that Lady Twombley and Imogen were to take Euphemia shopping in Bond
+Street, I grasped the chance of seeing you alone. Julian, what has
+happened to your wife?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+To Katherine?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+There is a shocking change.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Recently?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+It began two or three months ago. She's not the woman she was at the
+commencement of the season.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You alarm me. In what way?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Every way. Her appearance.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I haven't noticed it.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Being her husband, it is natural you should not. Her variable
+temperament! At one moment she looks as if she would like to bury
+everybody, me especially; the next she is laughing in a manner I must
+designate as positively provincial.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora, you quite distress me.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I came early for that purpose.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Perhaps you resent my interference.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, no.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+It would not deter me if you did. The grand motive of my life is a firm,
+undeviating, persistent policy of practical interference. I am a social
+warrior; the moment I scent domestic carnage I hurl myself into the
+_melee_ and plant my flag. Julian, my flag is planted in your household.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But I am aware of nothing disquieting to Katherine's peace of mind.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Don't tell me!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Two or three months ago there _was_ a little difficulty----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But it was mine, not Katherine's.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Yours?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Frankly, I was embarrassed for ready money.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Oh, dear!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But Katherine, who is really of an extremely thrifty nature, promptly
+placed her very considerable savings at my disposal, and the difficulty
+ceased.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+It never struck me your wife was thrifty.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Nor me till that moment. Which shows how liable the most careful
+observer is to error. [Resuming the study of his speech.] Pray excuse
+me.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] Um! [She goes up to the window.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Studying.] "I can conceive no position more agreeable to a Minister of
+the Crown----" I'll go upstairs, quietly. "----than that which I occupy
+upon this occasion."
+
+[He moves softly toward the door. The DOWAGER turns suddenly.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I don't like your wife's great friendship for Mrs. Gaylustre.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine finds her a bright companion.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Katherine has _my_ companionship. It's true I can't cut a sleeve like
+that lady.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+It is to be regretted that poor Mrs. Gaylustre is forced to follow the
+modern fashion of increasing her income by devices formerly practised
+only by the lower middle-classes.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+She sticks pins in her bosom as though she relished it.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But, after all, Dora, Madame Mauricette, of Plunkett Street, and Mrs.
+Gaylustre, widow of Lord Bulpitt's son, are two very distinct persons.
+Excuse me. [He continues studying his speech.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+But what was she _before_ her marriage?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You must really give me notice of that question--I beg your pardon--I
+don't know.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+This lady now walks into your house as if it were her own!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Your wife is positively canvassing for invitations for her! Julian!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I shall be unprepared with my speech!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+My family comes before everything!
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Lord and Lady Drumdurris are inquiring for you, my lady.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Beg them to come here. [PROBYN retires.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, then, if you'll allow me----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+No, Julian. This is another family matter of terrible importance.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear Dora!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Keith and Egidia approach you at this early hour at my instigation. I
+have a painful motive.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, dear me!
+
+[EGIDIA enters, dressed in fashionable walking costume, her face pale
+and troubled.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+[Sadly.] Sir Julian.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear Egidia, there is nothing amiss, I hope?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah! Everything is amiss, Sir Julian.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian, the relations between my son and his wife have become terribly
+strained.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, no!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Indeed, yes!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I have done all in my power to relieve the horrible tension--if
+anything, I have made matters worse. My hope is now centred in you. Here
+is Keith.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah!
+
+[EGIDIA sits upon a settee staring before her. DRUMDURRIS enters,
+looking much worried.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ah, mother. [Grasping SIR JULIAN's hand with feeling.] Sir Julian.
+
+[He and his wife look severely at one another and draw themselves up.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear Keith, what can I do for you?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ha! Explain, mother.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian, my son and his wife have cordially agreed to refer their grave
+differences to your judgment.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Without binding ourselves to abide by Sir Julian's decision.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Naturally.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pray tell me the cause of dispute.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+The future of their child.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah, yes.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+The adjustment of the career he is to follow.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+That is precisely it.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] Where is Fergus?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+He accompanied us.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+He is with Angele in the next room.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Calling at the door.] Angele! Angele!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+[Outside.] Miladi?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Bring Lord Aberbrothock here.
+
+[ANGELE a French nurse, characteristically attired, enters, carrying a
+richly-dressed infant. DRUMDURRIS and EGIDIA look into its face
+together.]
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Figurez-vous, milord, qu'il a dormi pendant tout le trajet! et puis
+quand je suis descendue de voiture, il s'est reveille en pleurant ... ah
+mais, en pleurant!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Give me Lord Aberbrothock. [She takes the child from Angele.] Wait in
+the next room, Angele.
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Yes, miladi. J'espere bien que Monsieur le Vicomte ne va plus crier, car
+ca pourrait faire de la peine a sa grand'maman. [ANGELE goes out.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Now, Julian, this is the point. You see Fergus. Politics or the Army?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Politics.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+The Army.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Pray speak, Julian.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Er--um--perhaps it would be rather precipitate----
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+I differ entirely. The child's intelligence must be directed into a
+particular channel from the beginning.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+In that I heartily concur. For instance, the question of toys is already
+most urgent.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+He is without playthings at present, so his mind is quite open.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+You appear to have no views, Julian.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Lady Drumdurris, let Sir Julian look at the height and character of
+Fergus's brow.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Pray do. It's a soldier's forehead.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian. [She hands the infant to SIR JULIAN.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you. Politics or the Army? [Addressing the child in his arms.] My
+dear Fergus, take my advice, not, _not_ politics.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+If you attach any trifling importance to veracity as a habit, _not_
+politics. If you would care at any time upon any subject to form your
+own opinions, and having formed them, would wish to maintain them, _not_
+politics. If you desire to be of the smallest service to your fellow
+man, and if you would sleep as peacefully at sixty as you now sleep at
+six months, _not_ politics.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Sir Julian!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+The Army!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Never!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+This is most distressing. [Calling at the open door.] Angele! Angele!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Heard outside.] Why, Dora!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters with IMOGEN and LADY EUPHEMIA in walking
+costumes.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How good of you to come early! [Kissing EGIDIA.] Egidia, dearest! [To
+DRUMDURRIS.] Good-morning, Keith. Ah! you've brought Fergus to see me!
+The angel!
+
+[With cries of delight LADY TWOMBLEY, IMOGEN, and LADY EUPHEMIA gather
+round SIR JULIAN and the baby.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The pet!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+The mite!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+He is _too_ sweet!
+
+THE THREE.
+
+Oh--h--h!
+
+[BROOKE enters.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Shaking hands with DRUMDURRIS.] Hallo, what's the matter?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[With dignity.] They are looking at my son.
+
+[ANGELE has entered. She takes the infant from SIR JULIAN.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+We've enjoyed a splendid hour in Bond Street--in and out of twenty
+shops, eh, girls?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Yes, Aunt Kate.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, mamma.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Bought all we could think of and ordered the rest.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then why don't they abolish Bond Street? It's the crucible of
+London--set your foot in it and everything about you that's metal
+dissolves.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Aunt has been _too_ extravagant this morning.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Extravagant! I! Oh, no--only I dearly wish there was no such plague as
+money. If the little words "thank you" were the one universal current
+coin, what anxieties, what cravings, what follies some poor women would
+be spared! Why can't we buy choice stuffs at three-and-a-half thank-yous
+a yard?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, Aunt Kate!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's nothing to laugh at. Ah, girls, if "thank you" paid for everything,
+being out of breath would be our only bankruptcy! Oh, my poor brain!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[To SIR JULIAN.] Mamma has a bad headache to-day, papa.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+A headache! never! Girls, what is it we bought and brought home with us?
+I forget.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+We didn't buy him, mamma--we met him. You mean Cousin Valentine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Looking round.] Of course--Valentine. Where is he? [Calling.]
+Valentine!
+
+[VALENTINE enters very plainly dressed.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. White! [Bowing stiffly.] How do you do?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, Val! What?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+We met the poor boy outside the tourists' ticket office in Piccadilly.
+He's off again to-morrow.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Off! Where to?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Egypt.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+We shan't see him again for another ten years, I suppose.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The odd creature has heard of a congenial tribe who reside in
+excavations cut in a rock. It'll end in my having a nephew who's a
+mummy.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Tearfully.] Oh, don't!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine, this child is not well.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, I am, papa--but I don't like--the idea--of parting--with anybody or
+anything--even a k-k-kitten.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Soothingly.] Imogen, my dear!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Be quiet, mamma!
+
+[The DOWAGER, LADY EUPHEMIA, EGIDIA, and ANGELE with the baby go out.
+IMOGEN runs after them. SIR JULIAN resumes the study of his speech. LADY
+TWOMBLEY opens some letters which are lying on the table.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To VALENTINE.] I never knew such a queer chap! Come upstairs and tell
+us all about it--what!
+
+[BROOKE, VALENTINE, and DRUMDURRIS go out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's all right, pa--it's nothing. [To herself.] Gaylustre! [Reading a
+letter.] "I will accompany you and dear Sir Julian to the interesting
+ceremony of this morning. Pray keep me a seat in your carriage."
+[Crushing the letter in her hand.] The demon! The relentless demon!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+"I can conceive no position more agreeable to a Minister of the
+Crown----"
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, dear, Mrs. Gaylustre will go with us to the opening of the new
+street.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+H'm! Katherine, are you sure that Mrs. Gaylustre is _quite_----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, quite.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+If I were you I should really think twice----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I can't.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Can't think twice?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I can't risk offending such a--dear friend.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But, Katherine----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Understand me, pa--she will sit in our carriage.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then understand _me_, Katherine, I will not have my knees cramped by a
+lady whose social status is equivocal.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! Julian! Don't attempt to come between me and Mrs. Gaylustre.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You will assist her into the carriage, you will help her to alight; when
+she arrives you will be charmed to see her, when she leaves you will be
+a mass of regret. You hear me!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+This is a most extraordinary friendship!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It _is_ an exceptional friendship. Pa, say you're delighted this great
+friend of mine is to be one of us to-day.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, to please you, my dear, of course, I----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I am delighted.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To himself.] I see--I see the change in my wife that Dora spoke of.
+
+[PROBYN enters with cards on a salver. At the same moment the DOWAGER
+enters and looks out of the window.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] They are punctual!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Looking at the cards.] Lady Macphail and Sir Colin. Not at home. If
+ever a woman was out I am.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To PROBYN.] Stop! [To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Kate, what are you doing? This
+visit is planned by me!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I have a motive.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, Dora!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To PROBYN.] Lady Twombley will see Sir Colin and Lady Macphail here.
+[PROBYN goes out.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! then, if you'll allow me----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+No, Julian. This is another family matter.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Another!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+These people have called to formally propose for the hand of Imogen.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+To propose!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Last night, at the ball of the Perth Highlanders, I danced the
+Strathspey and Reel with Sir Colin. In the excitement I wrung from him
+an admission of his affection.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, what shall we do?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Do? The head of the Clan Macphail! Eighty thousand acres! Julian?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To herself.] If it would provide for Imogen before the smash!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+If Imogen is a high-minded girl she will be mad with delight.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Will she? [To herself.] Ah! and will she learn to look down on pa and me
+when we're aged paupers?
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Sir Colin Macphail--Lady Macphail.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL enters, dressed simply and quaintly in an old-fashioned
+silk gown, followed closely by MACPHAIL, whose clothes are capacious and
+clumsy, and who seems very ill at ease. PROBYN withdraws.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Dear Lady Macphail--Sir Colin!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Shaking hands with LADY MACPHAIL and MACPHAIL.] How do you do? [Eyeing
+MACPHAIL.] Oh, dear!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Shaking hands.] Delighted.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To MACPHAIL.] Pray sit down. You must be fatigued with last night's
+dance.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+No Macphail is ever fatigued. But the poor lad feels like a caged eagle
+in the dress of the South.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I am sure it is--most becoming.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Sit, lad. [MACPHAIL sits, hitching up his trousers unhappily.] You know
+the object of our visit, Sir Julian?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lady Drumdurris has hinted----
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+The boy is here to pour out the passionate torrent of his love for your
+child Imogen. Speak, Colin.
+
+[MACPHAIL rouses himself, rises, and looks round.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Mother, you do it. [He resumes his seat.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ah, if we were at Castle Ballocheevin, with the wind roaring round Ben
+Muchty, and the sound of the pipers playing by the shores of
+Loch-na-Doich, then you would hear Colin's voice rise loud and high.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+As we are denied these obvious advantages, it is almost necessary to ask
+you to explain----
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+The lad has met your child on but three or four occasions.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Just three occasions and a bit, mother.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+But he loves her with a love that only a Macphail can experience.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Of course one would like to know precisely the kind of affection that
+is.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Naturally. Speak, Colin.
+
+[MACPHAIL rises, embarrassed.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I love her well enough.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Bravely said!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Delightful. [To SIR JULIAN and LADY MACPHAIL.] A grand nature.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Go on, Colin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That's all, mother. [He resumes his seat.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] You have heard the lad?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Distinctly.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+As we are all to meet next month as Lord Drumdurris's guests at
+Drumdurris Castle, it would be well if this engagement were settled at
+once.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Without delay.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+The question, of course, is whether Imogen--h'm!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Whether Imogen can return the affection----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Which Sir Colin honours her by entertaining.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Has the lad your permission to pour into her ear such impassioned words
+as he has just uttered to us?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I think there can be no objection to _that_.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Certainly not.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+When will your daughter grant him an hour for that purpose?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+An _hour_?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Three-quarters will be enough, mother.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Bravely said!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Charming!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+When, Julian?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+H'm! when?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+When? [IMOGEN's voice is heard outside.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Calling.] Mamma, dear!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+When? I suggest, now. Here is Imogen.
+
+[MACPHAIL rises hastily and awkwardly. IMOGEN enters.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, I didn't know you had visitors. [Shaking hands with SIR COLIN and
+LADY MACPHAIL.] Sir Colin--Lady Macphail.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Now, Julian, leave them together! Katherine!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen, my dear.
+
+[IMOGEN comes to SIR JULIAN. LADY TWOMBLEY, the DOWAGER, LADY MACPHAIL,
+and MACPHAIL talk together.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Talk to Sir Colin for a few moments while I look through my speech.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Certainly, papa. [SIR JULIAN goes out.] What an awful task! [Taking a
+book from the table.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Quietly to MACPHAIL.] Colin, let her hear how a Macphail can love.
+[Kissing him.] My boy! [To the DOWAGER and LADY TWOMBLEY.] I'll drive
+round to Lady Macwhirter's and return. Leave them! Ah, the pipers shall
+play to the home-coming of a bride at Castle Ballocheevin! [She goes
+out.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Come, Katherine. Think of it! To be the mother-in-law of the head of the
+Clan Macphail!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora, what's the use of a head with no tongue in it?
+
+[The DOWAGER and LADY TWOMBLEY go out. MACPHAIL looks round uneasily.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[To himself.] Where's mother?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[To herself.] Oh, why do they leave us! [To MACPHAIL.] Were you at the
+dance of the Perth Highlanders last night, Sir Colin?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, I was.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Did you dance much?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, I did.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[To herself.] He must make the next remark.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Nerving himself and rising suddenly.] Miss Twombley!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Sir Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I--I just wish you had been there.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Do you? Why?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Because--because--because I'm thinking there was room for more people.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, of course. [She goes to the window and looks out.] Lady Macphail is
+just driving away.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+No!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, there she goes.
+
+[MACPHAIL goes hastily to the window and looks out.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[To himself.] Oh! Mother!
+
+[He goes out quickly unnoticed by IMOGEN.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+She has turned the corner, Sir Colin. Did you see her? Why, where is he?
+
+[VALENTINE enters. She does not see him.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Good-bye, Imogen. [She turns to him.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Ah! [Falteringly.] Why will you go away, Val?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+You know my craze. Everything in this country is so stuck-up.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma's not--stuck-up, as you call it.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Her gowns frighten me. My first recollection of anything is Aunt Kitty
+in a print-skirt at a wash-tub.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Hush! don't, Val!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+There now! you're horrified!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+One doesn't wish everybody to know.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Then that's being stuck-up, Imogen.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Then we differ.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Of course. Everybody does differ from me in this stuck-up country. Wish
+me good-bye.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Looking away.] I presume my brother Brooke is stuck-up also?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Well, he appears to have fallen into the starch after that wash of Aunt
+Kitty's.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Indeed. And papa?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Oh, of course, he's ironed out by the House of Commons.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+How very rude! [Laying her hand on his arm.] And am I--altered, Val?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Altered! The change is heart-breaking!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, how cruel!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Altered! Where are the tiny tea-things with which you once played at
+making tea in your old school-room? Where is the hoop you used to
+trundle in Portman Square--the skipping-rope Brooke and I turned for you
+till our arms nearly dropped from our shoulders? Where are the marbles I
+gave you--the top I taught you to spin? I say, where are these things
+and the jolly little girl who delighted in them?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[With much dignity.] I think you're so violent that it isn't safe to
+speak to you. But I'll ask you one question.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Pray do.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Where is the good-tempered, curly-headed boy for whom I used to make the
+tea; the boy who taught me, very patiently, how to play the marbles and
+to spin the top?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+You see him.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, no. No, Val, no.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen! You don't mean, at any rate, that I'm stuck-up?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No, indeed, I think you're shockingly stuck-down. [He turns away,
+hanging his head. She comes to him.] There, now I've made you ashamed of
+yourself.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+No, you haven't!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Then I will do so. Remain here. I will return in a moment. Don't stir!
+[She runs out.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Shall I run away? Ah, if she only knew how ardently I wish that she had
+changed still more--how I wish that she had grown quite unlovable or I
+had forgotten how to love her! It's hopeless; I _will_ run away.
+
+[He opens the door and the DOWAGER peeps in.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+May I come in?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Eh? Oh, certainly.
+
+[The DOWAGER enters.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] What has become of them? [To VALENTINE.] Pardon me, have
+you seen my niece, Imogen?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+She has just left this room.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+With Sir Colin Macphail?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Oh, no.
+
+[A cab whistle is heard. VALENTINE looks out of the window.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] Where is he? I shan't sleep till I know it is settled.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Here's Sir Colin--hailing a cab.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah! Something must have happened! [She goes hastily towards the door;
+VALENTINE is in her way.] Let me pass, please! I have a motive!
+
+[She goes out as IMOGEN enters by another door carrying a large
+old-fashioned box.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Valentine.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Why, what have you there?
+
+Imogen.
+
+A modern young lady's jewel casket. Open it, please. [Kneeling, he opens
+the box.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Looking into the box.] Imogen! The tea-things! I recognize them!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You see, I've never parted with my playthings, Val.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Dragging out a large, faded, once gaudy doll.] And here's Rosa! I
+helped to cut out Rosa's mantle. Battered old Rosa!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Taking the doll from him.] Don't! Old she may be, but her sex should
+protect her from insult.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+And here are my marbles! and the top! Ah, ah! the skipping-rope!
+Imogen--perhaps--I--I've done you an injustice.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Do you think so?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I feared fashion had put your bright little nature into tight
+corsets--but--I see--I see----
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Replacing the toys in the box.] You see, Val.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I see you have some affection for the time when you were not Miss
+Twombley, but only--little Jenny.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Ah!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Not that these old dumb things prove much.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, Val!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+They prove their own existence--not the existence of little Jenny.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Crying.] How unjust you are!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Perhaps. But your words and actions are so unlike.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Wiping her eyes upon the doll's frock.] No, no.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I fancy we are children again when I hear you; but when I see your prim
+figure and stately walk I miss the little girl whose hair never
+submitted to a ribbon or a hairpin----
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh!
+
+[Impulsively she lets down her hair and disorders it wildly.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Not observing her.] I miss the little Jenny with a tumbled frock [She
+quickly disarranges her bow and sash.], the thoughtless romp who was
+generally minus one shoe!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Fiercely.] Valentine!
+
+[She takes off a shoe and flings it away.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Jenny!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Now! play! play marbles!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+What!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Play marbles!
+
+[They go down upon their knees, she deliberately arranges the marbles
+for the game, he staring at her blankly.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+My mark--play.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I beg your pardon, Jenny--I've been all wrong.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You have indeed, Val. Play. [He plays seriously.] Not within a mile of
+it.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+My eye is quite out.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+My turn.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+By Jupiter, you're still a crack at it!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Am I? Then which of us has changed--you or I? [She lays her hand on
+his.] Val, don't go away and live in a rock.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+What am I to do? I'm poor, Jenny, and I suppose I'm crazy.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Any sort of horrid life would suit you, wouldn't it?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I suppose it would.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Then ask Lord Drumdurris to make you a bailiff or a head gamekeeper at
+Drumdurris.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Not rough enough.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Why, you could get dreadfully dirty and wet through there every day.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+That's true.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+And, Val, we're all going up to Drumdurris next month.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Are you?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, and if you like, I--I'll bring the marbles.
+
+[BROOKE enters.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen! Oh, I say! what?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Do you ever play marbles now, Brooke?
+
+[DRUMDURRIS enters.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Marbles, no! Billiards.
+
+[VALENTINE collects the marbles, and puts them into the box.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] Keith! Oh, Keith, do me a favour!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Certainly.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Offer my poor cousin, Mr. White, some post in or about Drumdurris
+Castle.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+What kind of post?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Some wretched, inferior position in which he needn't be very polite.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+What will he say if I propose such a thing?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+He'll be extremely rude, I think. But, oh, I shall be so grateful,
+Keith.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen! Child, what has happened to your head?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I--I've been playing marbles, mamma.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Not on your head?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No, mamma, upon the floor.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+With Sir Colin?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Certainly not, mamma; I don't know Sir Colin nearly well enough to sit
+with him upon the floor. [Putting up her hair.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Darling, has Sir Colin made any remark of an interesting nature?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No--he stammered a little, and, while my back was turned, he ran away
+after his mammy.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To herself.] I knew it! Why didn't we lock him in till he had provided
+for my poor child's future?
+
+[PROBYN enters.]
+
+PROBYN.
+
+Mrs. Gaylustre is here, my lady.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, that person!
+
+[IMOGEN snatches up the box of playthings and hurries out. MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE enters. PROBYN retires.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To everybody.] How d'ye do? How d'ye do? Lord Drumdurris, charmed to
+see you. How are you, Brooke?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To himself.] Brooke! Impudence!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+You look bilious, Kate.
+
+[She kisses LADY TWOMBLEY, who sinks on to the settee.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] It's too bad of the Mater! Fancy a fellow making a chum
+of his tailor--what?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Mr. White, may I speak to you?
+
+[BROOKE, DRUMDURRIS, and VALENTINE go out.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Examining the flute.] Pa has been tootling again, Kate--we must buy him
+a drum.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah--h--h--h!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Hullo! What's the matter?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+As if you didn't know! Oh, those awful bits of paper!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Still worrying about those little Bills of yours which my brother Joseph
+holds, eh?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Those Bills! Why doesn't the ink fade that's on them, or the house burn
+that holds 'em?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Impossible. Joseph and I have been taught to believe that there is a
+special Providence watching over all Bills of Exchange. Come, don't
+fume--Bill Number One doesn't fall due till next month.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, Gaylustre, I shan't be able to meet it.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Shan't you? Well, I dare say Jo and I will renew--if you make much of us
+and pet us. Meanwhile, don't think of the Bills.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Think of 'em! I eat them--they're on every _menu_; I drink them--they
+label the champagne. My pillows are stuffed with them, for I hear their
+rustle when I turn my restless head. Small as those strips of blue are,
+they paper every wall of my home!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I should drive out, then, as much as possible.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+When I do the sky is blue!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Carelessly taking up a newspaper.] At what time do we leave here?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Sir Julian and I start at twelve.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+See that I'm not squeezed up in the carriage. I don't play at sardines
+in this gown.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Talking of sardines, I shall lunch here to-day, _en famille_.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Gaylustre! you fiend! I--I can't stand it.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Don't quite see how you're going to get out of it.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's true I owe that brother of yours thousands.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Well, we _have_ kept your establishment going for some time.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+But I don't owe _you_ as much as a linen button!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo and I are one.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No! I'll never believe that a man--even a money-lender--would dance a
+set of devilish quadrilles on a lady when she's down, as you're doing.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ha, ha!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I saw your brother on that one fatal night. Common person that he is, he
+must have a heart under his vulgar waistcoat.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Be careful! Don't insult my Jo!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I compliment him! I will appeal to him to protect me from your claws,
+Gaylustre!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, you will, will you?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I will.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Very well then--do it! Kate Twombley, go to that door and call my
+brother Jo!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Do it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What--do you--mean?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Open that door and call Jo!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, no! [She opens the door and looks out.] You are only frightening me!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Call--Mr. Lebanon!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Outside.] Heah!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY utters a cry of horror as MR. JOSEPH LEBANON enters--a
+smartly dressed, unctuous, middle-aged person, of a most pronounced
+common Semitic type, with a bland manner and a contented smile.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, delighted to find myself in your elegant 'ouse. Most
+_recherche_.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How do you come here?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Fan brought me.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How dare she?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+'Ow dare she? H'm! Fan, I 'ope and trust not a coolness between you and
+Lady T.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY sinks into a chair.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+She was dying to see you--there's no pleasing her.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Dyin' to see me! Flattered--flattered. [He sits in close proximity to
+LADY TWOMBLEY.] Deah Lady T, you and I and nobody by, eh? Excuse my
+humour. 'Ow can I 'ave the honour of servin' you? Don't 'esitate, Lady
+T, don't 'esitate.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I only wanted--to beg you--to rid me of that viper.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+That's going a little too far!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+There _is_ a coolness--a triflin', temporary coolness. Fan, be
+reasonable--Lady T, be forgivin'. Kiss and be friends.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know that you've got me--what's the expression?--on something or
+another.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I 'ope "toast" is not the word you requiah, Lady Twombley?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, yes, on toast.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Lady T.! Lady T.!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know that if I can't meet those awful Bills you can drag my name into
+the papers, and set all London grinning for a month.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh! Oh, Fan, is that my way of doin' business?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+If you're a nice, honest man--as you look--you'll take her away, and
+never, either of you, show your ugl--show your faces here again.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Ah, Lady T., now we come to the aim and object of the mornin' call which
+I have the 'appiness of making on you. Fan, you haven't explained to
+Lady T. You really must cut in.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I shan't. Explain yourself.
+
+[LEBANON rises, replacing his chair.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+My dear Lady T., the long and the short of it is that Fan and I have
+considerable social ambition.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You too! Not _you_!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+And why not? Fanny, cut in!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Go on, Jo dear.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, it has been the desiah of Fan and self, ever since that
+period of our lives which I may describe as our checkered child'ood, to
+reach the top of the social tree.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hah!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, you'll pardon my remarking that you are a little trying.
+I say, Fan and I desiah to reach the top of the social tree, where the
+cocoanuts are. Excuse my humour. Fan's had a whirl or two in the circles
+of fashion.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+She! A hanger-on to the skirts of Society!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+And very good skirts too when she makes 'em.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo, drop that.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Excuse my humour, Fan. As for me, from those early boy'ood's days when I
+made temporary advances of ha'pence to my sister Fanny, promptly and
+without inquiry, I have devoted myself to finance.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Finance!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+But now, Lady T--to use a poetic figure--I am prepared to cut an eight
+on the frozen lake of gentility.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Man!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I ignore the innuendo. Lady Twombley, I am aware that for a successful
+_entree_ into Society I requiah a--ha--a substantial guarantee. I 'ave,
+therefore, the honour and the 'appiness to put myself under your
+sheltering and I 'ope sympathetic wing.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You--you will drive me mad! You won't dare to call here, to contaminate
+my bell-handle, to send up your hideous name!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Fan, I really can't! This is descendin' to a mere wrangle. Pray cut
+in.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+No, Lady Twombley, as the Season is drawing to a close, Joseph certainly
+does not intend to attach himself to your London establishment.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Not for Joseph--excuse my humour.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But he and I do mean to take our flight from town with the rest of the
+swallows. [Pointing to a paragraph in the journal she still carries.]
+Look here, we saw this paragraph in the paper yesterday. Read it.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY knocks the paper to the ground.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Insolent!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo, pet--read it.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Fanny, this is really most trying. [Picking up the paper and reading.]
+"There are already signs of an exodus from town. Among the first of the
+notabilities to turn their faces northward are Sir Julian and Lady
+Twombley, who will spend the autumn at Drumdurris Castle as the guests
+of their nephew, Lord Drumdurris."
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What is this to you?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+What's that to us!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Fan, what's that to us! Lady Twombley, we entertain a not unreasonable
+desiah to spend _our_ autumn at Drumdurris Castle.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+In the kitchen?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Fan, I really can't! You must cut in again.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+As the guests of Lord Drumdurris.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Bill Number One falls due next month when you are at Drumdurris Castle!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+No, no! Fan, do _not_ mix up business with friendship. You know my rule.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Get us to Drumdurris and we renew!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Fanny, how plainly you put it! Don't!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never!
+
+[MR. MELTON enters.]
+
+MR. MELTON.
+
+The carriages are here, Lady Twombley.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I--I'll come.
+
+[DRUMDURRIS enters talking to VALENTINE. IMOGEN, LADY EUPHEMIA, and
+BROOKE follow; then EGIDIA and ANGELE with the infant.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Introduce me!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Introduce him!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I will not!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley!
+
+[He produces his pocketbook, opens it, and gives her a glimpse of the
+Bills.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The Bills! Oh!
+
+[She makes a futile snatch at the pocketbook.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, introduce me!
+
+[SIR JULIAN enters, intent upon his speech, the MS. of which he carries
+in his hand.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To himself.] "I can conceive no position more agreeable to a Minister
+of the Crown----" [Seeing LEBANON.] Eh?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Whispering to LADY TWOMBLEY.] Now!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Julian, Lord Drumdurris, Brooke, let me introduce to you--Mr. Lebanon.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Triumphantly to herself.] Ah!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Triumphantly to himself.] Ah! [LEBANON grasps SIR JULIAN's hand
+warmly.] De-lighted to find myself in your elegant 'ouse. Most
+_recherche_. [Shaking hands with all the others.] You all know my sister
+Fan. Elegant 'ouse this. Most _recherche_.
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE runs to SIR JULIAN and taking a flower from her dress
+fastens it in his coat.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Outside.] Katherine!
+
+[The DOWAGER enters with her arm through MACPHAIL's, LADY MACPHAIL
+following.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I've found the truant. He had a motive.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Quietly to MRS. GAYLUSTRE.] Who's the Judy?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To LEBANON.] Old Lady Drum.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Ah! [Turning to the DOWAGER and seizing her hand.] De-lighted! 'Ope to
+have the pleashah of meetin' you up North.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Katherine!
+
+[There is a general expression of astonishment, and LADY TWOMBLEY sinks
+upon the settee.]
+
+
+END OF THE SECOND ACT.
+
+
+
+
+THE THIRD ACT.
+
+DISASTER.
+
+
+The scene is the inner hall at Drumdurris Castle, Perthshire, leading on
+one side to the outer hall, and on the other to the picture gallery. It
+is solidly and comfortably furnished, and a fire is burning in the grate
+of the large oaken fireplace. It is an afternoon in August.
+
+IMOGEN is sitting at the table reading over a letter she has written.
+
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+"Dear Mr. White." I shall never call him Valentine again, except in my
+thoughts. [Reading.] "Dear Mr. White, I am sorry to hear that you are
+discontented with your recent appointment to the
+Deputy-Assistant-Head-Gamekeepership on the Drumdurris estate, and that
+you consider it a sinecure fit only for a debilitated peer." Now for it.
+[Resuming.] "Permit me to take this opportunity of informing you that I
+have at length consented to an engagement between myself and Sir Colin
+Macphail of Ballocheevin." Oh, how awful it looks in ink! [Resuming.]
+"As it is becoming that I should support such a position with dignity I
+would prefer not encountering your dislike to 'stuck-up people' by ever
+seeing you again." Oh, Val. "I therefore suggest that you obtain a
+nastier appointment than that of Deputy-Assistant-Head-Gamekeeper at
+Drumdurris without delay." That will do--beautifully. [In tears.] Oh,
+Val, why have you never spoken? I know you are poor, but I would have
+gone away with you and lived cheerfully and economically in that rock if
+you had but asked me. Why, why have you never asked me?
+
+[She sits on a footstool looking into the fire. BROOKE, in shooting
+dress, strolls in with LADY EUPHEMIA. They do not see IMOGEN.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Coolly.] Well, then, Effie, I suppose I may regard our engagement as a
+fixture--what? I needn't say you'll find me an excellent husband.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Thanks, awfully. But perhaps you had better mention the subject to me
+again at some other time.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Well, I shall be rather busy for the next week or two.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, quite as you please. [Giving him her hand.] But you are really _too_
+impetuous.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Not at all. [About to kiss her.] You'll permit me, naturally?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Languidly turning her cheek toward him.] Of course. Be careful of my
+hair--it will not be dressed again before lunch.
+
+[He kisses her cheek cautiously. IMOGEN rises without seeing them.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[To BROOKE.] Somebody.
+
+[They stroll away in opposite directions.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+After all, as he has never been a lover, why shouldn't I see him and
+mention my engagement in a calm, cool, ladylike way? [Tearing up the
+letter passionately.] I must see him once more--in a calm, cool,
+ladylike way. I'll write just a line asking him to come to me this
+morning.
+
+[As she sits to write LADY EUPHEMIA and BROOKE stroll in again and meet
+each other.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[To BROOKE.] Good-morning.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY EUPHEMIA.] Good-morning.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Why, it's Imogen! Oh, let me congratulate you. [Kissing her.] The news
+is too delightful.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Thank you.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Accept my congratulations also. Splendid fellow, Macphail; not one of
+those men who talk the top of your head off.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Writing.] No, not quite. Brooke, dear, will you give Mr. White a little
+note from me?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Certainly. By the bye, while I think of it, you'll be glad to hear that
+Effie has honored me by consenting to--er--marry me--what!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Effie!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+How your mind does run on that subject, Brooke!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Throwing her arms round LADY EUPHEMIA'S neck.] What happy people, both
+of you!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+My hair!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Kissing BROOKE.] A thousand congratulations, my dear, clever, old
+brother!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+The bother with mamma will be too wearying.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Why a bother?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+About my pecuniary position, don't you know. You'll hardly credit it,
+but I haven't the least idea what pa intends to do for me.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+But it doesn't matter about that, so that you are deeply attached to
+each other.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, Imogen, that's _too_ ridiculous!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Quite absurd--what!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Besides, if you want money you can work.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, it's no good everybody working. It's this stupid all-round desire to
+work that throws so many men out of employment. I'll look for Valentine.
+[IMOGEN gives him her note.] He's sure to be about. We're going to shoot
+over Claigrossie Moor this morning. [He goes out.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+So you've made up your mind at last?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No; other people have made it up for me.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Mamma?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, Aunt Dora is the principal person who has rendered my life a burden
+to me.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+It's true. Every hour of the livelong day Aunt Dora has goaded me on to
+this desirable, detestable match; even at night she has stalked into my
+room with a lighted candle, startling me out of my beauty sleep, to tell
+me she will never rest till I am Lady Macphail.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Imogen, it's _too_ kind of mamma to take this interest in you.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Interest! It's torture. And at last she threatened that if I married
+anybody else she would expire in great pain and appear to me constantly,
+a ghost, in her night-gown. Well, you've seen Aunt Dora in her
+night-gown--you can guess my feelings.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+And that decided you.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I went to mamma and asked her advice.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+I guess what that was.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma's expression was that she'd give the heels off her best shoes to
+see me provided for. And so, late last night, while my maid Phipps was
+washing my head, I gasped out a soapy sort of yes.
+
+[The DOWAGER enters.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Where is Imogen?
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Here, mamma.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Embracing IMOGEN.] My favorite niece! I have just learned your decision
+over the breakfast-table. I was eating cold grouse at the moment; I
+thought I should have choked.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I hope you are satisfied, aunt.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Thoroughly. I feel now that I shall die, a great many years hence, a
+contented woman. Effie.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Yes, mamma?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Don't think you're neglected, child. I cannot provide for everybody at
+once.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+No, mamma.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+But having completely settled Imogen, I shall commence the adjustment of
+your future after lunch.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL enters.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ah!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Dear Lady Macphail! What glorious news!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Rapturously, with her hand upraised.] Now let the worn banner of the
+Macphail be run up on the crumbling tower of Castle Ballocheevin!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Certainly--by all means.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Now let the roar of the pipes startle the eaglets on the summit of black
+Ben-Muchty!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I hope such arrangements will be made.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Let the shriek of the wild birds resound on the shores of Loch-na-Doich!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Bringing IMOGEN forward.] But you haven't seen Imogen yet.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Embracing her.] Child! Ah, when Colin learns your answer to his suit
+you shall listen to such words as none but a Macphail can utter to his
+betrothed.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Doesn't he know?
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Not yet. He went out early to watch the sun gild the gray peak of
+Ben-Auchter.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters, looking very troubled.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma. [LADY MACPHAIL, the DOWAGER, and LADY EUPHEMIA talk together.]
+Mamma, everybody has congratulated me. Have you nothing to say?
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY places her hand fondly on IMOGEN's head.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[In a sepulchral voice.] Did Phipps dry your head thoroughly last night?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Yes, mamma.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then all's well, I suppose. [SIR JULIAN'S flute is heard. To herself.]
+The first Bill--the first Bill due next week.
+
+[She sits staring at the fire as SIR JULIAN enters, playing the flute.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Papa.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen, my dear, amidst severe official worries I must not omit to join
+in the general paean of rejoicing.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Thank you, papa.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Sir Colin may lack that inexhaustible flow of anecdote with which I have
+often been credited.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+He may, papa.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+But I confess I respect a man who will sit for hours without saying
+anything. I wish there were more like him in the House.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Julian, let the newspapers have the details of Imogen's engagement
+without delay.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, no, aunt! Not yet.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Imogen, if I may use such an expression--fall-lall! Suffice it, I have a
+motive.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+But why the papers?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+It is our duty to our friends. Do you think if anything serious happened
+to me, my friends wouldn't like to hear of it without delay? Julian!
+[SIR JULIAN writes.] Besides, it will be current talk at the dance
+to-morrow night.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+The dance! Aye! To-morrow night they shall see a Macphail lead the
+Strathspey with the girl who is to be his bride!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No, indeed they won't!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+What!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I can't make myself so supremely ridiculous.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ridiculous!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Oh, Imogen!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Imogen!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear!
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL closes her eyes. SIR JULIAN and the DOWAGER take her
+hands.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY and DOWAGER.
+
+My dear Lady Macphail!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Here is Sir Colin!
+
+DOWAGER and SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+My boy!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Why, he is with Mrs. Gaylustre!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+That woman!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+That woman!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+That woman!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+That woman!
+
+[MACPHAIL enters with MRS. GAYLUSTRE, he in Highland dress, she wearing
+a showy costume of tweed tartan with a Scotch bonnet.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Colin, lad!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, mother?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Dear Sir Colin gave me his arm to the top of Ben-Auchter.
+
+DOWAGER and LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+To the top of Ben-Auchter!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[With an anxious glance at MRS. GAYLUSTRE.] Just to see the sun rise.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Quietly to SIR JULIAN.] Julian, that's scandalous!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+I thought you always witnessed the sun rise alone, Colin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+As a rule, mother.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To herself.] That woman has a motive.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Pointing to IMOGEN.] My son, look--here is Imogen.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[To IMOGEN.] Good-morning.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Colin, lad, don't you guess?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+No, mother.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Rapturously.] Now let the worn banner of the Macphail be run up on the
+crumbling tower of Castle Ballocheevin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Vacantly.] For what reason, mother?
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Now let the shriek of the wild birds sound on the shores of
+Loch-na-Doich!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Why?
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Embracing MACPHAIL.] Imogen is to be your bride.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Blankly.] Oh!
+
+[SIR JULIAN, the DOWAGER, and LADY EUPHEMIA congratulate him.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Most gratified!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I have a mother's yearnings toward you.
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+We are _too_ rejoiced!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] They've hooked him!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Bringing MACPHAIL down.] Hush! Speak to her, Colin, lad. Let her hear
+how a Macphail greets the woman of his choice.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL joins SIR JULIAN, the DOWAGER, and LADY EUPHEMIA, while
+they all watch MACPHAIL as he approaches IMOGEN.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Listen!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[To IMOGEN.] Er--I'm very much obliged to ye.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Bravely spoken!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+A grand nature!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Thank you, Sir Colin. [She joins the others.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To MACPHAIL, seizing his hand.] May your life be very, very blissful!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Uneasily, withdrawing his hand.] Mother's looking. [He joins the rest.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] They've hooked my Scotch salmon; but they haven't landed
+him yet! [Intercepting LADY TWOMBLEY as she advances towards the group.]
+Kate!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Reptile!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I'm not at all satisfied with the way things are going on here.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Aren't you? I think things are beautifully smooth.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I'm pretty comfortable at Drumdurris myself, thank you; but I'm getting
+extremely anxious about Joseph.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+So am I.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I'm afraid Joseph isn't enjoying his little holiday at all. Did you
+observe him at dinner last night?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Who could help it? The man eats enough for six.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+He's obliged to, his holiday being so brief. But these fine folks treat
+him as contemptuously as if he were a snail in a cabbage.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then why does he talk with the leg of a grouse sticking out of the side
+of his mouth? Why does he drink people's health across the table and
+call the men-servants "old chaps?"
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Dear Jo! There's nothing classy about him.
+
+[DRUMDURRIS, in shooting dress, enters, carrying a light wooden box.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why does he swallow his knife and build pyramids with his bread; and
+tell long stories with no meaning at all or else with two?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Well, you must take Jo as Heaven made him. So you'd better make things
+smooth for him with Lord Drumdurris. If not----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+If not?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+If not, Jo might, after all, decline to renew.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+And then there would be the devil to pay, wouldn't there?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+As far as I can see there are two devils to pay already.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ha, ha! Here's Drumdurris. Remember.
+
+[After talking to the others, DRUMDURRIS approaches LADY TWOMBLEY,
+bowing stiffly to MRS. GAYLUSTRE, who shakes her fist behind his back,
+LADY TWOMBLEY gives a small nervous shriek.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[With her hand to her heart.] Spasms.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Smiling sweetly at DRUMDURRIS.] Delightful morning.
+
+[She takes up a newspaper. SIR JULIAN and LADY EUPHEMIA stroll out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] Keith, dear, I want to say a word to you about--dear
+Mr. Lebanon.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ah! Aunt!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Have patience, Keith!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Patience!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+When I begged you to entertain him at Drumdurris I didn't deceive you. I
+distinctly told you he was one of nature's noblemen.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+I would do much to please you, Aunt Kate, but this individual and his
+sister----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You must follow the democratic tendencies of the age, Keith. The peer
+must go hand in hand with the pig.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Yes, but let it be the companionable, clubable pig. Oh, I have just left
+him at the breakfast-table.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Is he making a tolerable breakfast this morning?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+He seems to be making every breakfast in Great Britain.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I see him at it.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+He consumes enough coffee to put a fire out.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes; and he swoops down on a cold bird like a vulture.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+It's hideous to see him hurl himself at an omelette.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know; and with eggs he's a conjurer. What's he engaged on now?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+When I left him he was an unrecognizable mass of marmalade. He must go!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't disregard the sacred laws of hospitality!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+I must. At another time I might endure him, but now when I am utterly
+crushed by my own agonizing trouble---- Hark!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What's the matter?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+My son.
+
+[ANGELE appears with the infant.]
+
+ANGELE.
+
+[Mysteriously.] Is it alright, milord?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Hush! [To LADY TWOMBLEY.] Is Egidia there?
+
+[SIR JULIAN and LADY EUPHEMIA re-enter.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No.
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY joins SIR JULIAN and LADY EUPHEMIA.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[To ANGELE.] All right. [Fondly to the infant.] My soldier boy! [ANGELE
+advances to DRUMDURRIS. He produces a small toy gun and a little drum
+from a box he carries and hands them to ANGELE.] Don't let Lady
+Drumdurris discover these.
+
+ANGELE.
+
+No.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Above all, let the drum be muffled.
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Yees, milord.
+
+[EGIDIA enters.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+I expect some small cannon by the evening post. Go.
+
+[EGIDIA comes between ANGELE and DRUMDURRIS, the DOWAGER following.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ah!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Oh, miladi!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+I am right, then.
+
+[She takes the toys from ANGELE and points to the door. ANGELE withdraws
+with the infant.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Keith--Egidia! Don't disagree here!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+[To DRUMDURRIS.] I was loth to credit you with such treachery.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Name some convenient hour to disagree this afternoon. I will willingly
+be present.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+I have long suspected this conspiracy to anticipate my son's mature
+judgment. Keith, there is a gulf between us which can never be bridged
+over.
+
+[EGIDIA joins the others.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Mother, my life is wasted.
+
+[VALENTINE, roughly dressed in cords and gaiters, enters, followed by
+BROOKE.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Are you ready, Lord Drumdurris?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+We are waiting, I presume, for Mr. Lebanon.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I'll go and stir him up. Ugh! What!
+
+[BROOKE goes out.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+You'll not join us, Sir Julian?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I daren't. Melton has arrived from town with a mass of papers for my
+signature. [Quietly to DRUMDURRIS.] The Rajputana Canal Question is
+wearing me out.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Whispering to IMOGEN.] I have your note. I'll return in a few minutes.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Outside.] Shootin', my dear sir! When I was in the South 'Ampstead
+Artillery I could have shown you what shootin' was.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+There's Jo. [She goes out to meet LEBANON.]
+
+ALL.
+
+[With various expressions of disgust.] Ugh! that man!
+
+[All gather into groups, as LEBANON, looking very ridiculous in Highland
+costume, enters, followed by BROOKE.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Slapping MACPHAIL on the back.] Mac, dear old boy, 'aven't seen you
+this morning. [MACPHAIL turns away distrustfully.] Lady Mac, I 'ear
+delightful whispers.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Sir?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+An approachin' 'appy event. We're like the doves--we're pairin' off,
+hey; we're pairin' off? [LADY MACPHAIL stares at him and turns away. He
+wipes his forehead anxiously.] It's a little difficult to keep up a long
+conversation with 'em. They're not what I should term Rattlers. [Eyeing
+EGIDIA.] The fair 'ostess. Ahem! We missed you at the breakfast-table,
+Lady Drum. Can't congratulate you on your peck--excuse my humour.
+
+[EGIDIA stares at him and joins LADY MACPHAIL.] [To himself.] They're a
+chatty lot; I must say they're a chatty lot. I wish Fanny would stick by
+me and cut in occasionally. There's Lady T. _She_ can't ride the 'igh
+'orse, at any rate. Lady T.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+You didn't honour me with my game of crib last night.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I--I had a headache.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Never 'ad a 'eadache in my life--don't know 'ow it's spelt.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It's spelt with an H.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To LADY EUPHEMIA, offering her flowers from his coat.] Lady Effie, my
+floral offering.
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA catches up her skirts and sweeps past him.]
+
+[To himself.] Chatty, hey? Chatty? [He comes face to face with the
+DOWAGER, who glares at him.] Hah! H'm! [Offering her the flowers.]
+I--ah--had these picked for you, by Jove, I did. A present from Joseph.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+What, sir!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Replacing the flowers in his coat.] Excuse my humour. [Wiping his brow
+again.] Chatty! I do wish Fan would cut in and help me. [Slaps SIR
+JULIAN on the shoulder.] Twombley, old fellow.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Sir!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Not comin' out with us to-day, hey?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Gettin' past it, I suppose?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I am kept indoors by pressure of work, Mr. Lebanon.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, of course, the Rajputana Canal Question, hey? I'm a big shareholder
+in the Rajputana Railway, yer know. I say, tell me----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I cannot discuss official matters with you.
+
+[SIR JULIAN turns from him.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To himself as he sits down.] Chatty! Chatty! I know what this'll end
+in. It'll end in my standin' on my dignity. Where's Fanny? [Addressing
+the others.] Talkin' about shootin', I'll tell you an amusin' little
+story.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY and others sotto voce.] No, no!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+It's all about myself.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Whispering to the others.] Good-bye. We're off.
+
+[There is a general movement, the ladies and SIR JULIAN saying good-bye
+to the shooters, unnoticed by LEBANON, who has his back to them.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I was spendin' a day or two down in Essex with my old friend, Captain
+Bolter, South 'Ampstead Artillery. Dear old Tom--great favourite with
+the gals. Excuse my humour.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY, IMOGEN, LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART, SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY, LADY
+MACPHAIL, and DOWAGER.
+
+[Quietly to the shooters.] Good-bye.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+It was wild-fowl Tom and I were after. We were lyin' in a ditch waitin'
+for the ducks to drift in with the tide. [As LEBANON continues his story
+all the others gradually and quietly disperse.] I counted fifty-seven
+birds through my glass. So said I to Tom, "Tom, I'm in dooced good form,
+my boy." "Devil you are!" said Tom. "And I lay you a pony to a penny
+that fifteen of those birds fall to my gun." "Done!" said Tom. [He is
+now alone in the room.] Well, to make a short story a long one--excuse
+my humour--Tom sneezed. Up I got. So did the ducks. And then what the
+dooce d'ye think 'appened? I say, what the dooce d'ye think----
+[Discovering that he is alone.] Well, I'm---- Chatty, ain't they?
+Chatty!
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE enters.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo! why aren't you with the shooters?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Why! They hooked it while I was tellin 'em the tale of Tom Bolter and
+the ducks.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Never mind, my pet.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+It's rude--that's what it is--it's dooced rude.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Come along, we'll walk on to the moor.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+What, are you going too, Fan?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Yes, dear. Your poor Fanny has a little bit of fun on.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Fan, if I only 'ad your confidence, your push. But the rudeness of
+these people is gettin' on my nerves.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Why, Joseph!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I feel a little 'urt, Fan--a little 'urt.
+
+[VALENTINE enters.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Hi! Where are they?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Just starting in the drag. Be quick.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To MRS. GAYLUSTRE.] Come on! They shall hear about Tom Bolter and the
+ducks before I've done with 'em. Come on!
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE and LEBANON hurry out.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Outside.] Hi! Hi!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+That fellow was born to hail an omnibus.
+
+[IMOGEN appears.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Not seeing VALENTINE.] Will he be long? [She encounters him.] Oh! You
+are not neglecting your duties, I hope, Valentine?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I shall follow the others in the cart. Your note was marked "urgent."
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Was it?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Showing her letter.] "Urgent."
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+What a thoughtless habit it is to mark all one's letters "urgent." All
+I wanted to say to you is this--but it isn't urgent.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+No, no--I understand that.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I merely had a foolish desire to be the first to acquaint you of
+my--undeserved happiness.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+What happiness don't you deserve?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+The happiness of becoming Lady Colin Macphail, Valentine.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Oh. Is that--all?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+That's all--just at present.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Hah! You'll be a fine lady now, past recovery.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I shall endeavour to adequately fill the station of life to which fate
+has called me.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+All that sweet simplicity of yours in London was purely an assumption, I
+suppose?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Things are--what they appear.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+But you have your heart's desire at last, I presume?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I--I presume I have.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+[Burying his head in his hands.] Oh!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+What are you going to do next?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Japan.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Nice part of Japan?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+The murderous districts.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh! Then you don't propose to--return alive?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Not according to my present arrangements.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You--you had better follow the shooters to Claigrossie now.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Certainly.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I am glad to have had this gossip over our prospects. We--we both seem
+to be doing well. Good-morning.
+
+[She offers her hand, which he takes ungraciously.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Good-morning.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You haven't congratulated me yet--in the usual way.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Will you be happy with--him?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I think--partially.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+But you're not going to partially marry Sir Colin. How dare you do this?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+He was the first to ask me, Val.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+The first to ask you! You don't mean to suggest that any other man would
+have done!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No--not _any_ other.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+_Some_ other?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+It's too late now--but yes.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+A poor man?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Val!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Would _I_ have stood the remotest chance?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+It's too late now.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Would I? Would I?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+No. Nor any other nineteenth century savage.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Savage!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mr. White, it is very much too late now; but why, when you returned to
+England, didn't you wear uncomfortable clothes like other gentlemen, and
+a very high collar, and varnished boots, like other gentlemen?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Why? Because I cannot be false to my principles.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+People say that principles which deal too much with the outside of
+things are nothing but affectations.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+If a man has a good heart he should have a good hat.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen--Jenny! If I had ever come to you--in a good hat----
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+If you had, then when mamma urged me to marry perhaps she would not have
+blamed me for----
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+For what?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+For liking some pleasant-looking gentleman who laughed at harmless
+follies instead of scolding them.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+And now?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Now! Now--it is too late.
+
+[She falls into his arms; he embraces her.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Outside.] Hi, hi! Come here! hi!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Ah!
+
+[She breaks from VALENTINE and runs out, as LEBANON enters, very pale
+and upset.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Clinging to VALENTINE.] Old fellow!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+What's the matter with you?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Gurrrh! You--you're wanted!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Good gracious!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Something has happened, I'm afraid.
+
+[VALENTINE goes out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LEBANON.] You're ill!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I'm upset.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Too much breakfast!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+No. I--I've peppered Macphail.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Peppered him! Can't you take your mind off eating?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+You don't understand. I was in the wagonette, tellin' 'em the story of
+Tom Bolter and those beastly ducks. I got 'old of a beastly gun and just
+as I was demonstrating how I shot the fifteen beastly birds----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+It went off!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Well! Don't make such a fuss about it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! and it was pointed at Sir Colin!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Pointed at him! No! His legs were stuck right in the way.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Heavens!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Be quiet! Make light of it--make light of it, like I do!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Now, now I hope you're content!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+No, I'm not. I wouldn't have had this 'appen for 'alf a sovereign. This
+'Ighland 'oliday of mine is gettin' on my nerves.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Your nerves!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Yes, Lady T. Imagine what it must mean to a shy man to spend a
+rollickin' August with a lot of people whose chief occupation is
+staring at the tips of their own aquiline noses.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Hysterically.] Ha, ha, ha!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Imagine what it must be to a shy man to find himself always leading the
+conversation, instead of following it with a sparkling comment or two,
+as I'm in the 'abit of doin' in my own circle. Think of me starting
+every topic and arguing on it till my throat's sore; making every joke
+and roaring at it till I get blood to the head. Sometimes when I'm in
+the middle of a long story and not a soul listening I feel so lonely
+I--I could almost cry.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then out of your own sufferings why can't you find some compassion for
+mine?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+It's pathetic--that's what my position is--it's dooced pathetic.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+In mercy's name why don't you retire quietly to your room and pack?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+What! Throw up the sponge?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You needn't throw up your sponge--_pack_ your sponge.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I understand, Lady T--hook it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+"Hook it" is a harsh way of putting it. Bring your visit to a close.
+Think of what you are losing here! Think of Margate, where I feel you
+must have many dear friends!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I--I've half a mind to.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ha! Bless you, Mr. Lebanon, bless you! I'll fetch you a Bradshaw.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Stop! I forgot the hop.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The hop?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+There's a ball here to-morrow night.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+For heaven's sake, don't wait for the hop.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I had half-a-dozen lessons in the Scotch Reel before I left town.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+And you would risk the Reel on half-a-dozen lessons! Madman!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Half-a-dozen lessons at store prices. Dash it all, you wouldn't 'ave me
+waste 'em!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hopeless!
+
+[SIR JULIAN enters unobserved by Lebanon or LADY TWOMBLEY.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Look 'ere, Lady T! I'm sorry to disappoint a lady, but it ain't Mr.
+Joseph Lebanon's principle to do something for nothing.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No. If you lent a lady your arm you'd do it at interest.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I'm not alludin' to our pleasant financial relationship, Lady T. What I
+infer is that if after the forthcoming hop I drag myself away from my
+sorrowin' friends at Drumdurris I expect a--ah--a solatium. [SIR JULIAN
+remains watching and listening.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+A what?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady T, my pride has been wounded in this 'ouse--my self-respect has
+been 'urt.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ha, ha, ha! Pardon me, I'm hysterical.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+If you could 'eal my feelings by rendering me a service----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+To be rid of you?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, Lady T, 'ow plainly you put it! Well, yes.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Try me. [SIR JULIAN disappears suddenly.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+'Ush! Thought I 'eard somebody. Lady T, you are aware that Mr. Joseph
+Lebanon's position in the financial world is an eminent one.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I wasn't aware of it.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Take it from me, Lady T, take it from me. But that distinguished
+position might be advanced by the success of some delicate little
+financial operations which I'm on the brink of, Lady Twombley, on the
+brink of. Lady T, if I could know twenty-four hours in advance of the
+prying newspapers the decision of the Government on the Rajputana Canal
+Question it would go far to 'eal the wound my self-respect has received
+in this _recherche_ 'Ighland 'ome. You follow me, Lady T?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I suppose you mean that when the decision of the Government is known in
+the City something or other will go up and something or other will go
+down on the Stock Exchange? Is that it?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+That's it, Lady T, that's it! And some fellers will make fortunes! Oh,
+Lady T!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+But why do you bother a poor woman with a headache----
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Because without the gentle guidance of tender-hearted woman I can't find
+out whether the Government is going to grant the concession for the
+cutting of the Rajputana Canal. Oh, Lady Twombley, let me 'ave five
+minutes alone with Sir Julian's papers in Sir Julian's room.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Two minutes! A stroll round. I'll go in with a duster and tidy up.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Or give me a glimpse of some of the documents Mr. Melton brought with
+him in that box yesterday.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I want some fresh air!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Wait! If you'll do this for me I'll clear out of Drumdurris with Fanny
+on Thursday morning.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah, no!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+And I'll hand you back your acceptances--every-one of 'em--I will--on my
+word of honour as a gentleman!
+
+[She seizes him by the throat and shakes him violently.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How dare you! How dare you tempt me!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Arranging his hair and moustache with his pocket comb and mirror.] Oh,
+ladies are trying in business--they are dooced trying.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You--you wretch! Do you think I haven't endured enough for the past
+three months without this? Oh, pa, what will you say to your Kitty when
+you know the disgrace she's brought on you! Oh, my chicks, my chicks, my
+blessed chicks!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, my pride has been wounded, my self-respect has been 'urt
+in this _recherche_ 'Ighland 'ome for, I 'ope, the last time. I shall
+retire from the hop early to-morrow night and hook it--bring my visit to
+a close--on Thursday morning.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Thank you.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Next week the first bit of paper bearin' the honoured name of woman
+falls doo.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I repeat the word, d-u-e, doo.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Our interview has been a distressin' one, Lady Twombley. It is over.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon! Mr. Lebanon! [He turns his chair from her. To herself.]
+It's all up with me. I--I'll go and find pa, and tell him. There's no
+help for it--I'll tell him. Mr. Lebanon! For the last time--have
+compassion on a poor fool of a woman! [He turns away.] Oh! I'll go to
+pa's room and--tell him. [She goes out.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+That's one way to the old gentleman's room. [He opens the door and
+listens.] Ah! what's the latest quotation for lovely woman's weakness?
+
+[VALENTINE enters with MRS. GAYLUSTRE and MACPHAIL, who looks very
+scared, has a handkerchief bound round his knee, and leans on MRS.
+GAYLUSTRE'S arm. She supports him to a chair.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To SIR COLIN.] Lean on your poor broken-hearted friend.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[To himself.] Oh, the dooce!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+I'll find Lady Macphail. [He goes out.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Whispering to LEBANON.] Get out of sight!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Quietly to her.] Can't. I must wait here--I've got an important little
+affair on.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+So have I. Leave us!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, my goodness, how selfish you are, Fanny!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Selfish! you'll ruin my prospects in life! Brute!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Vixen!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Bah!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Bah!
+
+[LEBANON goes out. MRS. GAYLUSTRE throws herself on her knees beside
+MACPHAIL.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+How do you feel now?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Well, its tingling.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Tingling! You bear it like a hero.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I appreciate the compliment, but I'm thinking I'm only a bit singed.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah, but why, why do you indulge in these reckless sports?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I was merely sitting in the drag looking at the sky.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Sitting in the drag looking at the sky! How foolhardy!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Whereupon your brother, without a word of warning, blazed away at my
+knee.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah, don't describe it! Suppose you had had your head on your knee!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+[Outside.] Take me to Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+My mother!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] Drat your mother.
+
+[She stands with her handkerchief to her eyes. LADY MACPHAIL enters with
+EGIDIA, the DOWAGER, LADY EUPHEMIA, and VALENTINE.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Sir Colin!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Sitting at writing-table.] I'll telegraph to Sir George McHarness, the
+surgeon.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Now let the wail of the lament waken the echoes of black Ben-Muchty!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Rising from the chair.] It's not at all necessary, mother.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+He can stand!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Writing.] "Bring--chloroform--and knives."
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Ah, Colin, lad, why did we ever quit the gray shores of Loch-na-Doich?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I'll go upstairs and bathe my knee, mother.
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL leads him.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+He can walk!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Madam, a Macphail can always walk under any circumstances.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[Reading the telegram she has written.] "If--in--doubt--amputate."
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL, MACPHAIL, VALENTINE, LADY EUPHEMIA, EGIDIA, and the
+DOWAGER go out.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Weeping till the others are out of sight.] Joseph will die of remorse!
+[Calling.] The coast is clear, Joseph. Jo!
+
+[As she goes out LADY TWOMBLEY enters in great agitation, clutching an
+important-looking document.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Kitty, what have you done! Kitty, what have you done!
+
+[LEBANON enters.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady T! Thought so! [Seeing the paper.] Oh my goodness, what has she got
+there?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I must--I must find Julian! Oh!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Snatching the paper from her.] Excuse me!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! give me back that paper!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady T, oh, Lady T!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Following him round the table.] Give me back that paper! Dear, sweet
+Mr. Lebanon!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Reading the paper.] Ha!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! don't read it!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+My friend Sir Julian's own writing! The Rajputana Canal is a blessed
+fact! Lady Twombley, I forget my wounded pride, I forgive the blow to my
+self-respect. You have won a place in Jo Lebanon's heart.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Give me back that paper and forget it!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Returning the paper.] Give it you back? Delighted. Forget it? Oh, Lady
+T, Lady T.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Devil!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley, Joseph Lebanon is, above all things, a man of honour.
+[Handing Bills to LADY TWOMBLEY.] Lovely woman's Acceptances.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I won't take them. I won't buy them back at such a price.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Natural delicacy. [Laying the Bills on the table.] You can pick 'em up
+when I'm gone.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, what a wicked woman I am!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I can get out of these beastly clothes, drive to Strachlachan Junction,
+and wire to town before feedin' time. The city is on the eve of a
+financial earthquake! Joseph's name will be a 'ouse'old word from Mile
+End to Kensington! Lady Twombley, we meet at the hop to-morrow night for
+the last time--in Society. [Boisterously.] Whoop! Dash Society! [He
+performs a few steps of a Highland dance.] Excuse my humour. [He goes
+out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The Bills! The Bills! They mustn't lie there.
+
+[As she goes to the table SIR JULIAN, looking very white and
+dishevelled, enters, and, standing opposite to her, takes up the Bills
+and presents them to her.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Lady Twombley!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, my gracious!
+
+[She drops on her hands and knees at SIR JULIAN'S feet.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You've found me out, pa! You've found me out!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I have found you out.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How did you manage it?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+By degrading myself to the position of an eavesdropper.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+That's pretty mean, pa--ain't it?
+
+[Seeing that he is examining the Bills she puts up her hands and seizes
+them.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah! Don't tot 'em up! Don't tot 'em up!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine, when I first saw you, three-and-twenty years ago, you were
+standing over a tub in the tiled yard of your father's farm wringing
+out your little sister's pinafores.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Weeping.] Oh-h-h!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Could I have looked forward I should have known that you would one day
+wring my feelings as you do now.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, I've fallen into the hands of the unscrupulous.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Woman!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, don't call me that, pa!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+The unscrupulous! You have lost the right to ever again use that
+serviceable word.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What do you mean?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+How do you come by those Bills?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Julian, you know! [Going toward him on her knees frantically.] Ah, don't
+stare like that! [Putting her arms round him.] Husband! Dear husband,
+you are glaring like an idiot! Listen! [She shakes him violently.]
+Listen! When that reptile tempted me I ran upstairs intending to tell
+you all. I did. Oh, pa, don't stare at nothing! I knocked at your door;
+there was a drumming in my ears, and I fancied your voice answered me
+telling me to enter. Oh, try winking, pa, try winking! Your room was
+empty--left unguarded, the door unlocked. I entered. Wink, pa; for
+mercy's sake, wink! I sank into a chair to wait for your coming, [Taking
+the written paper from her pocket.] and there, on your table, right
+before my eyes, I saw this thing like a white ghost.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+A memorandum in my writing that the concession for the Rajputana Canal
+is to be granted.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes, yes. I tried to forget it was there. But the chairs and tables
+seemed to dance before me and every object in the room had a voice
+crying out, "Kitty, you silly woman, get back your Bills from that demon
+who is plaguing you!" I put my fingers in my ears and then the voices
+were shut up in my brain, and still they shrieked, "Kitty, get back your
+Bills! Get back your Bills!" I snatched up this paper and ran from the
+room. Even then if I had met you, Julian, I should have been safe; but
+whenever Old Nick wants to play the deuce with a married lady he begins
+by taking her husband for a stroll, and so I fell into Lebanon's
+clutches--and I--I--I'm done for! [She sinks into a chair.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine, those Bills must be returned to the creature, Lebanon.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Yes. And--and--pa, dear, you'll never speak kindly to me after this,
+will you?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I trust I shall be invariably polite to you, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh-h-h! We shall be whitewashed in the Bankruptcy Court eventually, I
+suppose?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+All in good time, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+And then--what then?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then we must hope for a cottage, and a small garden where we can grow
+our own vegetables and learn wisdom.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Our--own--vegetables. And years hence, pa, sometimes when I am sitting
+over my knitting, you'll forget the past, and play your flute again, and
+be happy?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine! [He takes his flute from his pocket and breaks it into pieces
+across his knee.] Never, never again, Katherine. [As he is leaving her.]
+One pang of remorse I can spare you, Katherine.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+You believe you have betrayed a solemn secret of the Government to that
+unprincipled money-lender.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Of course.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+That you have _not_ done.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, Katherine. Overhearing his shameful proposition, and fearing your
+weakness, I had time to hasten to my room, conceal all important papers,
+and scribble the memorandum you abstracted.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, then----
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+That writing records the exact reverse of the truth.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+And--and Joseph?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+In the language of the vulgar--Mr. Lebanon is sold. [He goes out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Julian! Ah! [Staring at the paper.] The exact reverse of the truth! Then
+the Rajputana Canal----Julian, why should you be first blackened and
+then whitewashed because of your vagabond wife? A cottage--our our own
+vegetables! Never! Why shouldn't _I_ have _my_ delicate little financial
+operations in the City? Oh, my gracious!
+
+[DRUMDURRIS and BROOKE enter.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hullo, Mater--what!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Brooke! Keith! You boys must drive me over to Strachlachan Junction. I
+must telegraph to London backwards and forwards all day. Keith, put me
+into communication with your Stockbroker in town!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Silence! I'm on the brink of some delicate little financial operations!
+[To BROOKE.] Get out the cart!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+The drag's outside.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Come on!
+
+[LEBANON enters hastily.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Hi, Drumdurris! Let me 'ave a carriage to go to Strachlachan Junction. I
+want to wire to town.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Do you? So do we. We'll give you a lift. Come on! [They all hurry out.]
+
+
+END OF THE THIRD ACT.
+
+
+
+
+THE FOURTH ACT.
+
+DANCING.
+
+
+The scene is still the inner hall of Drumdurris Castle, now brilliantly
+lighted and florally decorated, the evening after the events of the
+previous act.
+
+Waltz-music is heard, then a slight scream, and LEBANON, in full
+Highland costume, enters hastily.
+
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I wouldn't 'ave 'ad it 'appen for 'alf a sovereign.
+
+[THE MUNKITTRICK, a fiery old gentleman in Highland dress, enters.]
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Sir, I am most indignant!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I've explained. I felt myself goin' and I caught at what came nearest.
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+My daughter came nearest.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I know. Don't make such a fuss about it! Do remember we're at a ball!
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Miss Munkittrick is torn to ribbons.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+All right. Make light of it--make light of it, like I do.
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Ah-h-h!
+
+[DRUMDURRIS, in Highland dress, enters with MISS MUNKITTRICK, who is
+much discomposed, and EGIDIA, who is soothing her.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[To MUNKITTRICK.] My dear sir!
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Papa!
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Oh, Flora, Flora!
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Lord Drumdurris!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Let it blow over. We're all forgettin' we're at a ball.
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Miss Munkittrick has been rolled upon the floor.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+She was passin' at the time--I didn't select her. Don't be so conceited!
+
+[LEBANON continues to explain. MUNKITTRICK is indignant; DRUMDURRIS
+endeavors to soothe him. BROOKE enters carrying a satin shoe, which he
+presents to MISS MUNKITTRICK.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Awfully sorry--what? [BROOKE hurries out.]
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Where is papa?
+
+[IMOGEN enters, carrying an aigrette.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh, Miss Munkittrick, what a shocking mishap!
+
+[They fasten the aigrette in MISS MUNKITTRICK'S hair.]
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Have you seen my papa?
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA, carrying a sash, hurries in as IMOGEN goes off. MISS
+MUNKITTRICK rises; LADY EUPHEMIA and EGIDIA adjust the sash hastily.]
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+[Adjusting the sash.] My dear Flora, this is _too_ unfortunate!
+
+[BROOKE re-enters with another shoe.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+The other--what! [To LADY EUPHEMIA.] There are some more pieces--come
+and help.
+
+[BROOKE and LADY EUPHEMIA hurry out.]
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+I want my papa! [Seeing MUNKITTRICK.] Ah!
+
+THE MUNKITTRICK.
+
+[Giving her his arm.] Flora, we'll go home.
+
+MISS MUNKITTRICK.
+
+Papa, I'm not nearly _all_.
+
+[Her aigrette is very much on one side, her sash is trailing, and she
+limps away carrying one slipper.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Pray don't think of going!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Let it blow over!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+My dear sir!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, very well, you're losing the best of the ball.
+
+[THE MUNKITTRICK and MISS MUNKITTRICK go out, followed by EGIDIA and
+DRUMDURRIS. IMOGEN, LADY EUPHEMIA, and BROOKE enter hastily, each
+carrying a fragment of MISS MUNKITTRICK's dress.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+[Taking the remnants.] Allow me--allow me--my affair.
+
+[IMOGEN, LADY EUPHEMIA, and BROOKE go out. LEBANON crams the pieces of
+MISS MUNKITTRICK'S dress under a chair cushion.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Let it blow over. Where's my partner?
+
+[He goes out. MACPHAIL enters with MRS. GAYLUSTRE upon his arm.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Staying out is infinitely preferable to dancing, is it not, dear Sir
+Colin?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye. I hate dancing.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But your dear mother says you resemble some beautiful wild thing when
+you dance the Strathspey.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That's because I hate it; the Strathspey's enough to make a lad wild.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Witty boy!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, do you think I'm naturally quick?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Quick?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Quick in my understanding?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I'm sure of it.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, I'm glad you think I'm quick.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Why?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Because Ballocheevin--that's our place, you understand--Ballocheevin is
+enough to soften a lad's brain.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Then why hide your light at Ballocheevin?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Well, the Macphails have lived there since eleven hundred and two.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+How romantic!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+So mother's just got out of the way of moving.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Charming attachment to an old home.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, it's old. It hasn't been papered and done up since Robert Bruce
+stayed with us.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Robert Bruce!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye--just from a Saturday till Monday, I'm thinking.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+There must be a legend attached to every stone of Ballocheevin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye, it's interesting--but it requires papering. I am so tired of
+Ballocheevin.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But you love the rugged country, the vast overwhelming hills, and the
+placid lochs?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Mother's been telling you that.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Isn't it true?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, I am just weary of my native scenery.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But what about the misty chasms of Ben-Muchty?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That's an awfully damp place. That's where I caught my bad cold.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+And the gray shore of Loch-na-Doich? Your mother says you adore it.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh, I am sick of Loch-na-Doich.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+And your feet don't ache to press the heather?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+It's when they're _on_ the heather my feet ache. It's poor walking,
+heather.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Then you don't watch the sun rise from the jagged summit of
+Ben-na-fechan?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Cunningly.] Eh, but I do though, every day when I'm at home.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+But why?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+To get away from mother.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Poor boy!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Reflectively.] I've been thinking----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Yes?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That you'd better let go my arm now.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Sir Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I've no personal objection, you understand; but mother's always looking
+for me.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+How thoughtless I am! [He walks away.] Sir Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Aye?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Your mother is driving you to contract this marriage with Miss Twombley.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Well, mother's just making the arrangements.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Your great heart hasn't gone out to her! Unhappiness must ensue! Your
+bright career will be dimmed!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Will be _what?_
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Dimmed. What did you think I said? Oh, Sir Colin, don't carry this
+unsuitable bride to Ballocheevin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Well, it's a serious step; but I've been thinking it would be another in
+the house.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+You don't want another in the house. You need a strong, self-reliant
+wife who will take you out of the house.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Eh?
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+A woman, loving but firm, tender but enterprising, who will bear you
+from your dilapidated home and plunge you into the vortex of some great
+city. [Suddenly.] Have you ever been to Paris?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+No.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+I know every inch of it!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Madam!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh, what have I said! Sir Colin, you have guessed my secret!
+
+[MACPHAIL produces his ball-programme from his stocking and refers to
+it.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I'm engaged to Miss Kilbouie for this waltz, if you'll excuse me.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Holding out her hand to him.] Colin.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I'm thinking mother will be wondering----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[To herself.] Drat your moth---- [To MACPHAIL.] Never mind dear Lady
+Macphail for a moment. Colin, since you have discovered my love for you
+I will make no further reservation----
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+But mother----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Under her breath.] Drat your---- [To MACPHAIL.] Colin, I will be to you
+the wife you have described.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I'm extremely obliged to ye--but----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Hush, bold boy! [She gives him a card.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+You know my cruel brother takes me back to town to-morrow. Here is my
+address so that you may write to me constantly, devotedly.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Reading the card.] "Mauricette & Cie., Court Dressmakers----"
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Snatching the card from him.] That's a wrong 'un--I mean, that's a
+mistake. [Giving another.] There. Hide it away, dear one--nearest your
+heart.
+
+[He slips it into his stocking.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Oh!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+And now, as I start in the morning at nine-forty-five, sharp, on the
+tick, we must say farewell. Oh, this parting is too cruel. Colin!
+
+[She falls against him.]
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Here's my mother! [He throws her off.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+[Under her breath.] Drat your mother!
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL enters.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Madam. [To MACPHAIL.] Why do you leave the ball-room, my lad?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I've been just watching the moonlight on Loch Auchentoshan.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+I am proud to see this devotion to Loch Auchentoshan, but to-night you
+have other duties almost equally important. After this paltry waltz we
+lose ourselves in the wild pleasures of our native dance.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+The Strathspey? [He takes MRS. GAYLUSTRE'S card from his stocking.] Oh!
+[Hides it and produces his ball-programme from his other stocking.] The
+Strathspey.
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Come, lad. They have yet to see the Macphail lead the Strathspey with
+his betrothed.
+
+[They go out together.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Yes, and they shall ultimately see the Macphail writing love-letters to
+Fanny--love-letters with a promise of marriage in 'em. I'll consult a
+solicitor directly I reach town and be ready to marry or to sue him. Oh,
+Fanny, Fanny, ungrateful girl, what a lot you have to be thankful for!
+
+[She runs out and ANGELE peeps in.]
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Milord! Miladi! [She enters.] I must find miladi! Miladi!
+
+[LADY TWOMBLEY enters.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No news from Reeves & Shuckleback, the Stockbrokers. The waiting for it
+will finish me!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Oh, Miladi Twombley.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Turning to her sharply.] Ah!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Tell me, vere is milord?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What! Has a messenger come from Strachlachan with a telegram for Lord
+Drumdurris? Speak?
+
+ANGELE.
+
+I do not know.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+But, oh, miladi, I 'ave been a vicked girl!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I dare say you have--that's your business.
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Miladi, ze leetle Lord Aberbrothock is indispose.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The baby?
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Yees. To please milord, and contrary to miladi's ordares, I put Lord
+Aberbrothock to bed wiz his gun.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I know--I'm a mother--the child has swallowed the paint!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Ah, yees!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Send a groom to Strachlachan for Dr. M'Gubbie.
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Yees, miladi.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Angele!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Miladi?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Tell the man to inquire at Strachlachan for telegrams for the Castle.
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Yees, miladi. [ANGELE runs out.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, for a telegram from Reeves & Shuckleback! My diamonds, my double row
+of pearls for a telegram from Reeves & Shuckleback!
+
+[EGIDIA enters with ANGELE, followed by DRUMDURRIS.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Lady Twombley!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Has Keith had a telegram?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+A telegram--no. My son is ill!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh, I know--he has nibbled his gun.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+His gun!
+
+ANGELE.
+
+Yees, miladi.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Ah! The Army! [To DRUMDURRIS.] So you have gained your own ends after
+all, Keith, and my boy has fallen.
+
+[EGIDIA goes out, followed by ANGELE. DRUMDURRIS sinks into a chair.]
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Keith.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Don't speak to me, please, aunt.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I must. Reeves & Shuckleback are strangely silent.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Let them remain so--I care not.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+You don't care! Surely you are anxious to know whether you have been
+instrumental in saving me from--from growing my own vegetables?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Growing your own----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Surely you want to know whether you have made me a wealthy woman or have
+ruined yourself in the effort?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Ruined myself!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Keith, dear, I am afraid I haven't done what is strictly regular, but
+when you put me into communication with your Stockbrokers I carried on
+my delicate little financial operations with them in your name.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt Kate!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Keith, you're annoyed!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+May I ask what delicate little financial operations?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I've speculated on the strength of my private knowledge of the decision
+of the Government on the Rajputana Canal Question--I mean _you_ have
+speculated.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt Twombley, how dare you do such a thing?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+How dare I! Boy--for you are little more--boy, you wouldn't have a
+Cabinet Minister's wife take advantage of her confidential acquaintance
+with her husband's official affairs to advance her own interests! Oh,
+Keith!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+But you've done it!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+No, I haven't. Don't be so dull, _you've_ done it.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+And if your delicate little financial operations----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+If they come off, you have made what you men call a pile, Keith. All
+through your blundering aunty you will have made a pile.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Which I hand over to you, Aunt Kate?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I shall borrow it, Keith, dear--may I?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+And if--pardon the question--if your delicate little financial
+operations----
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't come off?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Certainly; if they don't come off, what then?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Then through your reckless speculation you will have impoverished your
+estate for the rest of your life!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt!
+
+[EGIDIA enters.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Keith!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Tell me.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Fergus has taken a turn for the better.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Egidia, how can I look you in the face?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Cannot we read a lesson from this dreadful occurrence?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+To reconcile our views?
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+Finally. You see now how unfitted our son is to a soldier's life.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Yes, I have been wrong. Happily it is not too late to remould his
+character. We must return to the ball-room.
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+First come with me and peep into the nursery.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+By all means--the nursery.
+
+TOGETHER.
+
+The nursery.
+
+[They go out as the DOWAGER enters.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Katherine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Dora?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I am beside myself! Have you heard the news?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+News? Telegrams for Keith?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+I know nothing about telegrams. I've just overheard Julian talking
+solemnly to Brooke. Do you know what your husband intends to do?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Grow his own vegetables.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Bother his vegetables! He resigns his place in the Ministry.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+The same thing. [To herself.] Ah, why can't he wait!
+
+[SIR JULIAN enters with BROOKE.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Katherine, I have been telling Brooke of the change in his prospects.
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I say, Mater, such a blow--what!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Pa, why can't you wait?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Wait--for what, Katherine?
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Wait till the boy can patch up his future with a wealthy wife, of
+course.
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Really, Dora, I don't think it would be absolutely fair----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Fair! People's actions are like their heads of hair--they can be dyed
+flaxen. [To BROOKE.] Boy, why do you let the grass grow under your
+pumps in this way?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+I haven't let the grass grow, Aunt Dora. I--ah--I have the happiness to
+be engaged--what!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Engaged!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Bless my soul!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+In mercy's name, to whom?
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+To Effie.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY and SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Euphemia!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Euphemia! Why, how dare you conspire to entrap a child of mine into a
+moneyless marriage?
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+My dear Dora, you yourself suggested----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+If I may be guilty of such an expression--fall-lall!
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+But, aunt----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Hold your tongue, sir! Ah, I believe you all have abominable motives!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To herself.] The telegram! The telegram! Why is there no telegram?
+
+[The music of the Strathspey is heard. IMOGEN enters with LADY
+EUPHEMIA.]
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Euphemia!
+
+[LADY EUPHEMIA joins the others. IMOGEN goes to LADY TWOMBLEY in
+agitation.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma! The Strathspey!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What of it?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I'm engaged to dance it with Sir Colin. Oh, mamma, I don't love him!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Child, you loved him the other night while your head was being washed.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+I didn't see clearly then--the egg-julep was in my eyes. But now Lady
+Macphail is running after me, from one room to another, because she
+declares I must fulfil the destiny of a Macphail's betrothed and lead
+the Strathspey by his side. But I won't dance a deception before a room
+full of people!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Imogen, there is nothing for you but this marriage or contemptible,
+cleanly poverty.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Poverty!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Child, you are young to be told these things--but what do you think is
+likely to happen to pa and me?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma, keep nothing from me.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+In all probability we shall grow our own vegetables.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Oh! What for?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+_For_ dinner. And, oh, Imogen, have pity on your mother! I can face
+contemptible, cleanly poverty with pa alone, but if I see my innocent
+chicks sharing our miseries every cabbage in our garden will grow up
+with a broken heart!
+
+[She embraces IMOGEN. LADY MACPHAIL enters with MACPHAIL.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Miss Twombley, Lord Drumdurris's guests are politely waiting till you
+are pleased to lead the Strathspey with the Macphail.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Miss Twombley.
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Quietly to LADY TWOMBLEY.] Mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To herself.] No telegram from town. [To IMOGEN.] Imogen, you had better
+not lose your dance.
+
+[With a slight courtesy to MACPHAIL, IMOGEN gives him her arm as
+VALENTINE enters, trimmed, shaven, and in immaculate evening dress.]
+
+BROOKE TWOMBLEY.
+
+Why, Val!
+
+LADY EUPHEMIA VIBART.
+
+Mr. White!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+[Leaving MACPHAIL.] Valentine!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Valentine White!
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Imogen, am I too late?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Too late?
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+For the honor of dancing with you to-night?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+You--you are in time, Valentine.
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+For which dance?
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+This dance.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Mother!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+The child's mad!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Stop the Strathspey! Stop the Strathspey!
+
+[She hurries out, followed by MACPHAIL.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. White, really you shouldn't, you know.
+
+[The music ceases.]
+
+VALENTINE WHITE.
+
+Sir Julian, Lady Twombley, with your permission I shall go no further to
+avoid the shams of life. I have found one cool resting-place in this
+world where there is reality and sincerity. [With IMOGEN'S hands in
+his.] And I have found it in an advanced state of civilization.
+
+[The DOWAGER pulls IMOGEN away.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+I positively must beg----
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+[To IMOGEN.] Child, at this moment I feel grateful that I am your aunt,
+with all an aunt's privileges. [She shakes her.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+[Seizing IMOGEN.] My chick, your mother has privileges also. Bless you
+and Valentine. [Kissing her.] There! Dora, if you shake my girl again
+I--I'll slap you!
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+Ah! Julian!
+
+[DRUMDURRIS appears with a telegram.]
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+Aunt!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+What's that?
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+From Reeves & Shuckleback!
+
+[She snatches the telegram from him.]
+
+EVERYBODY.
+
+What's the matter?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Julian, look at your wife! Brooke, Imogen, come to your mother! No more
+worries by day and bad dreams at night! No poverty--no cottage--no--no
+vegetables! I--I am a rich woman!
+
+[She falls back fainting into SIR JULIAN'S arms as they all surround
+her. At the same moment LEBANON rushes in with MRS. GAYLUSTRE. He has a
+telegram in his hand; his aspect is wild, his face white.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady Twombley! Where is she? Lady Twombley!
+
+[As LADY TWOMBLEY is assisted to a chair LEBANON falls into another.]
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Mamma!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Joseph!
+
+IMOGEN.
+
+Ah!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Be quiet! Lady Twombley is ill!
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ill! Look at Joseph! My only brother!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Keith, explain this telegram or my brain will give way.
+
+DOWAGER.
+
+No, no--tell me. My brain is stronger than Sir Julian's.
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+[To SIR JULIAN and the DOWAGER apart.] Mother--Sir Julian----
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I want a word or two with my friend, Lady T.
+
+[MRS. GAYLUSTRE arranges his chair so that he faces LADY TWOMBLEY. She
+and LEBANON stare at each other.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ah!
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Lady T.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Hullo?
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+I've 'ad a wire.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+So have I.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+From Moss & Emanuel, my brokers.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mine is from Reeves & Shuckleback.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Oh, I see--_your_ brokers. You've done me, Lady T.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Don't mention it.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+You're a knowing one.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I'm sure I'm very gratified to hear you say so.
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+The Bills! Give me the Bills you swindled me out of!
+
+[He advances violently, but MRS. GAYLUSTRE holds him back. LADY TWOMBLEY
+hands the Bills to SIR JULIAN.]
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Jo!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Mr. Lebanon, the Bills, sir. [Giving them.]
+
+[LEBANON snaps his fingers demonstratively in SIR JULIAN'S face.]
+
+MR. JOSEPH LEBANON.
+
+Drum., thank you for your _recherche_ hospitality. Carriage to the
+station in the morning, if you please. [Kissing his hands.] Ladies----
+[Breaking down.] Oh, Fanny, take me to bed!
+
+[He goes out. MRS. GAYLUSTRE is about to follow, when LADY MACPHAIL
+enters with MACPHAIL.]
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Madam! My boy--my poor lad--has told me of your behaviour.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+My behaviour! He loves me!
+
+LADY MACPHAIL.
+
+Colin!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+I thought I'd just better mention the affair to mother.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Of course; conceal nothing from your parent.
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+And mother agrees with me----
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Yes?
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+That it would be just a risky matter to correspond with a widow lady.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Oh!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+[Producing MRS. GAYLUSTRE's card from his stocking.] So I'm thinking I
+sha'n't require this address.
+
+MRS. GAYLUSTRE.
+
+Ah! [She slaps his face violently and runs out.]
+
+EVERYBODY.
+
+Oh!
+
+MACPHAIL.
+
+Mother!
+
+[LADY MACPHAIL embraces him. The music of the Strathspey is heard
+again.]
+
+[EGIDIA enters.]
+
+EGIDIA.
+
+The Strathspey. Come into the ball-room. What has happened?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+I can't enter the ball-room again to-night!
+
+EARL OF DRUMDURRIS.
+
+But you must dance the Strathspey.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Must I? Dance then! [They take their places for the dance.] Pa!
+Valentine, Imogen! Brooke, Effie! Keith, Egidia! Lady Macphail, Sir
+Colin! Dance! Dance with foolish, thoughtless, weak-headed Kitty
+Twombley for the last time, for to-morrow she becomes a sober, wise,
+happy, and contented woman! Dance!
+
+[They dance the Strathspey and Reel--SIR JULIAN with LADY TWOMBLEY,
+DRUMDURRIS with EGIDIA, BROOKE with LADY EUPHEMIA, VALENTINE with
+IMOGEN, LADY MACPHAIL with MACPHAIL. The DOWAGER sits apart gloomily.]
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+[To LADY TWOMBLEY while dancing.] You've been indiscreet again, Kitty.
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Finally, Julian, finally!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+No more extravagance?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Never! Never!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+And you resign yourself to a peaceful, rural life?
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Oh!
+
+SIR JULIAN TWOMBLEY.
+
+Promise me--promise me!
+
+LADY TWOMBLEY.
+
+Ha, ha! Dance, pa, dance!
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+=A Selection=
+
+FROM
+
+_MR. WM. HEINEMANN'S LIST_
+
+January 1892.
+
+=The Crown Copyright Series.=
+
+_The changed conditions of publishing in the English-speaking countries,
+brought about by the American Copyright Legislation of 1891, have made
+it possible--without doing injustice to the authors--to issue new and
+original works of fiction in a form immediately accessible to the large
+class of readers who are unwilling to be permanently and entirely
+beholden to the Circulating Libraries. Mr. Heinemann has therefore made
+arrangements with a number of the first and most popular authors of
+to-day,_
+
+    _ENGLISH, AMERICAN, AND COLONIAL,_
+
+_which will enable him to issue new and original works of theirs in a
+Series to be known as the CROWN COPYRIGHT SERIES at a uniform price of
+FIVE SHILLINGS per volume._
+
+_These novels will not pass through an expensive two or three volume
+edition, but they will be obtainable at the Circulating Libraries as
+well as at all Booksellers and Bookstalls._
+
+_The following volumes are now ready_:--
+
+ACCORDING TO ST. JOHN. By AMELIE RIVES, Author of "The Quick or the
+Dead," &c.
+
+THE PENANCE OF PORTIA JAMES. By "TASMA," Author of "Uncle Piper of
+Piper's Hill," &c.
+
+INCONSEQUENT LIVES. A Village Chronicle, Shewing how certain Folk set
+out for El Dorado, What they Attempted, and What they Attained. By J. H.
+PEARCE, Author of "Esther Pentreath," &c.
+
+A QUESTION OF TASTE. By MAARTEN MAARTENS, Author of "The Sin of Joost
+Avelingh," &c. [_In the Press._
+
+
+Heinemann's 3s. 6d. Novels.
+
+UNCLE PIPER OF PIPER'S HILL. By "TASMA," Author of "The Penance of
+Portia James," &c.
+
+A MARKED MAN. Some Episodes in his Life. By ADA CAMBRIDGE.
+
+     _Pall Mall_.--"Contains one of the best written stories of a
+     _mesalliance_ that is to be found in modern fiction."
+
+IN THE VALLEY. By HAROLD FREDERIC. Illustrated.
+
+     _Athenaeum_.--"A novel deserving to be read."
+
+THE THREE MISS KINGS. By ADA CAMBRIDGE.
+
+     _British Weekly_.--"A novel to be bought and kept for
+     re-reading on languid summer afternoons or stormy winter
+     evenings."
+
+PRETTY MISS SMITH. By FLORENCE WARDEN.
+
+     _Punch_.--"Since the 'House on the Marsh,' I have not read a
+     more exciting tale."
+
+A ROMANCE OF THE CAPE FRONTIER. By BERTRAM MITFORD.
+
+     _Observer_.--"A rattling tale--genial, healthy, and spirited."
+
+THE BONDMAN. By HALL CAINE.
+
+     _Academy_--"A splendid novel."
+
+A VERY STRANGE FAMILY. By F. W. ROBINSON.
+
+     _Glasgow Herald_.--"Delightful reading from start to finish."
+
+A MODERN MARRIAGE. By the MARQUISE CLARA LANZA.
+
+     _Queen_.--"A powerful story."
+
+LOS CERRITOS. A Romance of the Modern Time. By GERTRUDE FRANKLIN
+ATHERTON.
+
+     _Athenaeum_.--"A decidedly charming romance."
+
+DAUGHTERS OF MEN. By HANNAH LYNCH, Author of "The Prince of the Glades,"
+&c. [_Shortly._
+
+
+New Works of Fiction.
+
+THE SCAPEGOAT. By HALL CAINE, Author of "The Bondman." Fourth Edition.
+In Two Vols.
+
+MAMMON. By Mrs. ALEXANDER, Author of "The Wooing O't," &c. In Three
+Vols.
+
+MEA CULPA. A Woman's Last Word. By HENRY HARLAND (Sidney Luska), Author
+of "As it was Written." In Three Volumes, crown 8vo.
+
+COME FORTH! A Story of the Time of Christ. By ELIZABETH STUART PHELPS
+and HERBERT D. WARD. In One Volume, imperial 16mo, 7s. 6d.
+
+THE MASTER OF THE MAGICIANS. A Novel. By ELIZABETH STUART PHELPS and
+HERBERT D. WARD. In One Volume, imperial 16mo, 7s. 6d.
+
+THE MOMENT AFTER. A Tale of the Unseen. By ROBERT BUCHANAN. Popular
+Edition, crown 8vo, 1s.
+
+
+_In Preparation._
+
+WOMAN AND THE MAN. By ROBERT BUCHANAN. In Two Vols.
+
+LITTLE JOHANNES. A Fairy Tale. By F. VAN EEDEN. Translated from the
+Dutch, by CLARA BELL, with an Introduction by ANDREW LANG, and
+Illustrations. In One Volume.
+
+THE TOWER OF TADDEO. By OUIDA, Author of "Two Little Wooden Shoes," &c.
+
+ORIOLE'S DAUGHTER. By JESSIE FOTHERGILL, Author of "The First Violin,"
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+THE WORD OF THE LORD UPON THE WATERS. Sermons read by the Emperor of
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+What Ann Lang read. Cats. Smart's Poems. Pompey the Little. John Buncle.
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+THE WORKS OF HEINRICH HEINE. Translated by CHARLES G. LELAND, F.R.L.S.,
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