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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/33916-8.txt b/33916-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9b1d0ae --- /dev/null +++ b/33916-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9224 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Dead Lake and Other Tales, by Paul Heyse + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Dead Lake and Other Tales + +Author: Paul Heyse + +Translator: Mary Wilson + +Release Date: October 18, 2010 [EBook #33916] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEAD LAKE AND OTHER TALES *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Bowen, from page images provided the Web Archive + + + + + + +Page Scan Source: +http://www.archive.org/details/deadlakeothertal00heys + + + + + + + COLLECTION + + OF + + GERMAN AUTHORS. + + VOL. 15. + + + * * * * * + + + THE DEAD LAKE & OTHER TALES BY P. HEISE. + + + IN ONE VOLUME. + + + + + + + THE DEAD LAKE + + AND + + OTHER TALES + + BY + + PAUL HEYSE + + + FROM THE GERMAN BY + BY + MARY WILSON. + + + _Authorized Edition_. + + + + + LEIPZIG 1870 + BERNHARD TAUCHNITZ. + LONDON: SAMPSON LOW, MARSTON, SEARLE & RIVINGTON. + CROWN BUILDINGS, 188, FLEET STREET. + PARIS: C. REINWALD & Cie, 15, RUE DES SAINTS PÈRES. + + + + + CONTENTS. + + + A FORTNIGHT AT THE DEAD LAKE + DOOMED + + BEATRICE + + BEGINNING, AND END + + + + + + A FORTNIGHT + + AT + + THE DEAD LAKE. + + + + + THE DEAD LAKE. + + +Summer was at its heighth, yet in one corner of the Alps an icy cold +wind revolted against its dominion, and threatened to change the +pouring rain into snow flakes. The air was so gloomy that even a house +which stood about a hundred paces from the shore of the lake, could not +be distinguished, although it was white-washed and twilight had hardly +set in. + +A fire had been lighted in the kitchen. The landlady was standing by it +frying a dish of fish, while with one foot she rocked a cradle which +stood beside the hearth. In the tap room, the landlord was lying on a +bench by the stove, cursing the flies which would not let him sleep. A +barefooted maid of all work sat spinning in a corner, and now and then +glanced with a sigh, through the dingy panes at the wild storm which +was raging without. A tall strong fellow, the farm servant of the inn, +came grumbling into the room: he shook the rain-drops from his clothes, +like a dog coming out of the water, and threw a heap of wet fishing +nets into a corner. It seemed as if the cloud of discontent and +ill-humour which hung over the house, was only kept by this moody +silence from bursting into a storm of discord and quarreling. + +Suddenly the outer door opened, and a stranger's step was heard groping +through the dark passage; the landlord did not move, only the maid +rose, and opened the door of the room. + +A man in a travelling suit stood at the entrance, and asked if this was +the inn of the dead lake. As the girl answered shortly in the +affirmative, he walked in, threw his dripping plaid and travelling +pouch on the table, and sat down on the bench apparently exhausted; but +he neither removed his hat heavy with rain nor laid down his walking +stick, as if intending to start again after a short rest. + +The maid still stood before him, waiting for his orders, but he seemed +to have forgotten the presence of any one in the room but himself, +leant his head against the wall, and closed his eyes; so deep silence +once more reigned in the hot dark room, only interrupted by the buzzing +of the flies, and the listless sighs of the maid. + +At last the landlady brought in the supper; a little lad who stared at +the stranger carried the candle before her. The landlord rose lazily +from his bench, yawned and approached the table leaving to his wife the +charge of inviting the stranger to partake of their meal. The traveller +refused with a silent shake of the head, and the landlady apologized +for the meagreness of their fare. Meat, they had none, except a few +live ducks and chickens. They could not afford to buy it, for their own +use, and now travellers never came that way, for two years ago, a new +road had been made on the other side of the mountain, and the post +which had formerly passed their inn now drove the other way. If the +weather was fine, a tourist, or a painter who wished to sketch the +environs of the lake now and then lodged with them; but they did not +spend or expect much, neither was the selling of a few fish very +profitable. + +If however the gentleman wished to remain over night, he would not fare +badly. The bedrooms were just adjoining, and the beds well aired. They +had also a barrel of beer in the cellar, good Tyrolese wine, and their +spirits of gentian was celebrated. But all these offers did not tempt +the guest; he replied that he would stay for the night, and only wished +a jug of fresh water. Then he arose and without casting a single look +at the people seated round the table, and silently eating their supper, +or taking any notice of the little boy of ten, although the child made +the most friendly advances, and gazed admiringly at his gold watch +guard, which sparkled faintly in the dim light. The maid servant took +another candle from the cornice of the stove, and showed him the way to +the next room, where she filled his jug with fresh water, and then left +him to his own thoughts. + +The landlord sent an oath after him. "Just their usual luck," he +grumbled, if any guest ever came to them, it was always some idle +vagrant who ordered nothing, and finally took his leave without paying +for his bed, often disappearing in company with the bedclothes. His +wife replied that it was just those folks, who regaled themselves on +all that larder and cellar could supply, and tried to ingratiate +themselves with the landlord. This gentleman was ill in mind or body, +as he neither ate nor drank. At this moment the stranger again entered +the room, and asked if he could have a boat, as he wished to fish on +the lake by torchlight, as soon as the rain had ceased.--The landlady +secretly poked her husband in the side, as if to say "Now, you see! he +is not right in the head; don't contradict him for heaven's sake." + +The landlord who was fully aware of the advantage to be gained by this +singular demand, answered in his surly manner, that the gentleman could +have both his boats, though it was not the fashion in these parts to +fish at night, but if it amused him he was welcome to do so. The farm +servant would prepare the torch immediately--so saying, he made a sign +to the tall fellow who was still occupied in picking his fish bones, +and opened the door for his guest. + +The rain had not ceased and the water was dashing and gushing from the +gutters. The stranger seemed insensible to any outward discomfort; he +hastily walked towards the shore, and by the light of the lantern which +the farm servant had brought with him, he examined the two boats, as if +he wished to make sure which of them was the safest. They were both +fastened under a shed, where different fishing implements were lying +under some benches. Then sending back the farm servant under some +pretext or other, he sought on the shore of the lake for a couple of +heavy stones, which he placed in the largest of the two boats.--He drew +a deep breath, and stood for a moment with his eyes fixed on the dark +water, which as far as one could see by the light of the lantern was +furrowed by the drizzling rain. The wind had ceased for a moment, the +surf foamed, and dashed round the keel of the small boats; from the +house, one could hear the monotonous sing song of the landlady who was +lulling her baby to sleep. Even this sounded melancholy, reminding more +of the cares of motherhood than of its joys, and heightened the dismal +impression made by the forsaken aspect of this corner of the world. + +The stranger was just returning to the house, when he heard on the road +coming from the south, along which he had also travelled that morning, +the cracking of a whip and the crashing and creaking of wheels which +were drawn heavily up the hill through the deep and sloughy ruts. +Shortly afterwards a lightly covered carriage stopped before the inn. +Lights were brought to the door, a female voice asked questions which +the landlady answered in her most amiable tones; then two women got out +of the carriage and carefully carried something wrapped up in cloaks +into the house. The farm servant helped the coachman to bring his +horses under shelter. A few minutes later every thing had relapsed into +the former silence. + +It had all passed like a vision before the stranger, neither awakening +his curiosity, nor, still less, his interest. He once more looked up at +the dense clouds to see if there was any chance of their dispersing, +and then entered the house where lights were now shining in the room +opposite the tap room, and shadows were flitting to-and-fro behind the +curtains. He gave back the lantern to the man, and some orders about +baits and fishing hooks which he would require in the morning, and +retired to his room. + +There he lighted the candle, and placed it in a bent candlestick, which +stood on the rickety table.--Then he threw open a casement to let out +the stuffy and damp air, and for a while looked out on the splashing +and spirting gutter in which a cork was restlessly dancing. Further off +no object could be discerned; the inky darkness of the cloudy sky hid +everything from view. The wind howled in a ravine near the lake, like +some caged beast of prey, and the trees near the house groaned under +the weight of the gushing rain. It was an unfavourable moment for +standing near an open window but the stranger seemed to be listening +intently to the dismal sound of the storm which raged without. Only +when the wind drove the rain straight into his face, he moved away, and +paced up and down between the bare walls of the little room, with his +hands crossed behind his back. His face was quite calm, and his eyes +appeared to be looking beyond what surrounded him, into some distant +world. + +At last he took writing materials, and a small portfolio from his +travelling pouch, sat down beside the dim candle, and wrote as follows: + +"I cannot go to rest, Charles, without bidding you good night. How +weary I am, you must have perceived when we met, unfortunately for so +short a time, six weeks ago. _Then_ I ought to have spoken to you, and +we might have come to an agreement on this chapter on pathology, as we +have done on so many others: Had I done so, I could now have quietly +smoked my last cigar, instead of tiring us both, with this dull +writing, but the words seemed to cleave to my lips. We should have +probably disputed about the matter--Each of us would have maintained +his own opinion, so I thought it useless to spoil the few hours we had +to spend in each other's society. I am well acquainted with your +principles, and know that if you were here, you would endeavour to +reconcile me to existence. But you would wrong me, if you thought that +I had caused this dissension between life and myself which nothing but +a divorce can appease. I would willingly live if I _could_. I am not +such a coward, or so fastidious that a few 'slings and arrows of +outrageous fortune' should drive me distracted and make me take the +resolution to leap out of my skin in the full sense of the word. Who +would throw over the whole concern, and fume against the inscrutable +Powers because many things are disagreeable to bear? Are not the +decrees of the eternal powers equally unfathomable and indisputable? +But here lies the fault--I can play the part of a wise man no longer. +The desperate attempt to save reason at least from the general wreck of +soul and mind has failed. Just now when I watched an old cork which had +fallen into the gutter, and which lashed by the rain was helplessly +whirling about in the dirty puddle, the thought struck me that this +cork was my own brain which had stolen from out my heated skull, and +was now taking a shower bath. If such an absurd fancy could take +possession of my mind for a whole quarter of an hour, then must the +last prop of my reason be fast giving way. + +"I have the highest idea of the self-sacrificing duties of a man +towards his fellow-creatures, yet I cannot calmly see the moment +approach when the asphyxiated soul is to be buried alive, watch the +loss of self-consciousness, and finally sink lower than the most +miserable brute. This, my dear Charles, would require the dullness of a +sheep patiently awaiting the butcher's knife, though it feels a worm +gnawing at its brain. + +"But I quite forget that this will seem but a confused outpouring of +words to you, who are only aware of a portion of my calamities. You +only know what the rest of the world is acquainted with--that my +adopted sister died, this day year, that her father followed her a few +days later, and her mother in the spring of this year.--You also know +that my family consisted of only these three--that I loved them +dearly--that, in fact, except yourself, they were the only beings to +whom I was much attached. + +"Under any circumstance their loss would have wounded me deeply, but I +should have ended by overcoming this grief. Even had they been severed +from me at a single stroke, I could have bravely outlived it. Truly the +death of one man is always irreparable but his life is never +indispensable. Science, my profession, my youth, would have healed the +wound.--Now, it is still open, and the blood which flows from it cannot +be stanched, for these three precious lives would have been spared, but +for me!... + +"I must begin from the beginning, Charles, if I wish to make these sad +words clear to you.--You know, I believe, that I hardly ever saw my own +parents, that after the death of my father, I should have been brought +up at the orphan asylum, if those generous people had not taken pity on +the son of the poor surgeon, and adopted me. My foster-father was one +of the most opulent merchants of the town.--When he gave me a home, he +was still childless after eight years of marriage. He hoped that my +presence would cheer him, and his wife, and enliven the quiet dull +house. Unfortunately, at first, I but ill rewarded the kindness of the +worthy couple, though I was greatly attached to them. I was a reserved, +irritable, and unamiable lad, with a great tendency to ponder over +everything. My behaviour vacillated between a moody silence which +lasted for days, and sudden and passionate outbreaks of temper. Even +now I feel deeply ashamed when I think of the truly angelic patience +with which my foster-parents bore my perverseness, and tried to +moderate my violent temper without ever showing how sorely I +disappointed their hopes. + +"Suddenly all was changed. When I had lived about two years in their +house, my adoptive parents saw their heart's desire fulfilled. A child +was born to them, the most beautiful and gifted creature I have ever +seen. As if by magic, everything grew bright--even I, was changed, and +became a good-humoured and sensible lad. I was quite infatuated about +the little girl, and watched her like a nurse. For hours together I +played with her. I taught her to speak, to run, forgot my dearest +occupations, and all my schoolfellows when with her. + +"My behaviour towards her parents also completely altered. These +excellent people, instead of no longer caring for my society, now +redoubled their kindness towards me, and seemed to regard both of us as +their children and as having an equal right to their affection. + +"As time went on, my fraternal love for the little Ellen only increased +with my years; the more so, that a curious similarity in our characters +became more perceptible every day. She was not one of those soft, +pliable and easily managed girls who give no more trouble to their +mothers, than to their future husbands. She would suddenly change from +the most extravagant gaiety, to the deepest melancholy--if one can use +the term, melancholy, in speaking of a child. In those moments, she +would steal out of the garden where she had been romping, and laughing +with her little companions, and come to my little room, sit down with +grave face, opposite to me, at my writing-table, and read the first +book she could get hold of. + +"From my school-days upwards, I had always been heart and mind, a +naturalist, and had no other thought, but that I would study medicine +as my father had done. I used to show her all my collections, even the +skeleton of a large monkey which stood in a corner behind my bed, and +to hold most unchildlike conversations with the little girl; at other +times she would communicate her childishness to me; I cooked for her +dolls and physicked them after having first carefully bedaubed their +faces with the tokens of the measles and I filled her little garden +with all sorts of medical herbs from my herborium. We never shewed much +tenderness towards each other. Only once I kissed her lips; it was when +I left for the University at nineteen years of age. + +"Though I deeply felt the pain of leaving my adoptive home, yet I +fancied it would not become me as a man to show any emotion, still my +voice failed me when my dear mother embraced me with tears in her eyes. +Little Ellen stood pale, and silent by her side. I turned to her with +some joke and jestingly gave her different directions about the care of +my zoological collection, (preserved in camphor and spirits of wine) +which I had entrusted to her charge. Then I drew this child of eight +into my arms to bid her farewell. As I kissed her, I was startled by a +sudden shudder which ran through her frame, as if an asp had bitten +her. She staggered back with closed eyes and nearly fainted away. She +quickly recovered however, and next day wrote me a childishly merry +letter. + +"Since that day I only once touched her lips again, and then they were +cold and closed for ever. + +"How the six years of my University career passed, how I found life at +home when I returned for the holidays would be useless to relate. It +would be a long, and monotonous narrative. Some estrangement arose +between me and my foster-sister, partly through my fault, for science +and study monopolized my attention more and more. From year to year +this strange girl grew more reserved in my presence. Only in her +charming letters could I discover a trace of the old intimacy of our +childhood. + +"Her outward development did not fall short of its early promise. + +"She was fullgrown at the age of fourteen; somewhat slender, but quite +formed. The small portrait of her which I once showed you has but +little resemblance. Her character, if I may so express myself, was even +more mature than her person, and only betrayed itself in her movements. +A stately calm, an indifference, scarcely concealed for many things +which generally appear alluring at her age, isolated her a good deal. +Then again, when she wished to please, her smile, the gentle and timid +yielding up of herself had a charm not to be described. Few knew her +real value, her genuine upright soul; and among those few, her brother +was not. I was then too much engrossed by my studies, too eager to +solve the mysteries of physical science, to care about the secrets of +that young heart. Strange to say although I was always of a sensual +disposition, and certainly no paragon of virtue, and having eyes to see +could easily perceive, that all my conquests, compared with that +remarkable girl, appeared like housemaids beside a young princess, yet +it never entered my head to fall in love with her. When I wrote home, +it was always to my foster-mother, and she had to remind me sometimes, +of what was due to my little sister. + +"She once wrote that the child who was as reserved as ever, did not +show what she felt, although my neglect seemed to hurt her, and one day +when I had forgotten even to mention her in my letter, she had cried +the whole night. + +"I hastened to repair my negligence, and wrote her a most penitent +letter half in earnest, half in jest, accusing, myself of the darkest +crimes towards my faithful little sister, protesting that she was a +thousand times too kind to me a petrified egotist whose very heart had +been turned to stone, among skeletons and anatomical preparations. Her +answer was full of loving kindness, and after that our fraternal +intercourse seemed re-established on the old footing. + +"Then she was fourteen years of age. On her fifteenth birthday, I +passed my examination for a doctor's degree and we exchanged merry +congratulations by telegraph. + +"Then I travelled during a year with you for a companion, and you will +remember that the letters I received from home often made me slightly +uneasy. + +"My mother wrote that Ellen was not well; she did not complain, but her +altered looks only too visibly testified to her sufferings. The old +family physician looked rather grave about it. Now I was well +acquainted with this good old gentleman. He was a strict adherent of +the old school, and greatly prejudiced against the stethoscope, +otherwise he had the reputation of much experience in diagnostics, and +of great caution, and attention. + +"Still this could not tranquillize me, and my parents who believed me +to be the greatest medical genius in the world, expressed a strong +desire, that if I could possibly get away, I should hasten home and +have a consultation with the old doctor. So I determined, as you know +to quit my studies in Paris--to hurry home, and decide for myself if +all was as it should be. + +"When I arrived, Ellen advanced to greet me, looking so well, and +lively, that at the first moment, I asked with playful indignation, if +this was the august patient to attent to whose delicate health, a +celebrated young physician had been summoned from a great distance. +Poor child! the pleasure caused by my having set aside every other +consideration for her sake, gave that delusive air of blooming health. +I soon perceived that the old doctor had not looked grave without +cause. I was decidedly however opposed to his opinion that she was +threatened with pulmonary disease. After a most careful auscultation, I +had found her lungs to be perfectly sound, whereas the palpitations of +her heart seemed to be somewhat irregular; this symptom proceeded from +a morbid state of the nervous, and blood system. Accordingly the first +treatment which was principally directed against everything stimulating +and enjoined great quiet, seemed to me the reverse of salutary. I +prescribed steel, wine, and strengthening food, to rectify the poverty +of blood, and declared that the remedies by which the old doctor hoped +to ward off the disease were as bad as poison in her case. Her parents, +of course, sided with me, particularly as the apparent success of my +treatment during the first weeks of my stay with them corroborated my +statement. Ellen felt more lively, and stronger, her sleep and appetite +returned, and while the old practitioner withdrew deeply hurt, and +mortified, I enjoyed the first pleasures of fame though it still stood +on a very precarious footing, and I felt the happiness of having +delivered those dear to me, from a heavy care. + +"I never intended to establish myself in that town. I knew that I could +only reside in a large capital where I could find better assistance in +my studies. I, therefore, carefully entrusted Ellen's treatment to the +second doctor of the place, a very humble man, rather irresolute, and +dependent on others, who in presence of so young, and far travelled a +colleague, meekly resigned any opinion of his own, and promised to keep +strictly to the enjoined course of treatment; and now and then to write +and inform me of the progress of the cure. The parents saw me depart +with heavy hearts, but my welfare, and their duty with regard to my +success in life, outweighed any wishes of their own, and Ellen eagerly +seconded my desire. I had already lost too much of my precious time on +her account, she said; she felt much better, and now that she knew my +orders, no one should induce her to do anything I had not sanctioned. I +still see the smile with which she bade me good-bye, while the +repressed tears choked her voice. Alas! Charles, it was the last time +that I saw a smile light up that dear face! + +"So I departed entirely blinded, and at the commencement of my stay at +M---- I was so completely taken up with the exercise of my profession, +that in the letters from home I only noticed the favourable +particulars; especially as Ellen's frequent accounts of herself, which +almost formed a sort of diary, lulled me into so perfect a security, +that I fancied, the care and anxiety which now and then appeared in her +mother's letters to be only caused by the exaggerated fondness of a +mother's heart. + +"My colleague full of respect for my green wisdom, did his best to +interpret every graver symptom in favour of my diagnostics, and so I +lived on, a rose coloured mist blinding my eyes, till the darkest night +suddenly closed around me. + +"Ellen's letters which in the later weeks had become rather dispirited +suddenly stopped. In their stead I received a letter from the doctor, +about six months after my departure saying that another consultation +with me seemed to him most desirable. In the last few weeks several +symptoms had suddenly changed, so that he dared not proceed in the +former manner without further orders. My adoptive parents also eagerly +intreated me to come to them. + +"But even in spite of all this, I still lingered, certainly not for any +frivolous reason; the life or death of some of my patients, just then, +depending on my stay. At last a telegraphic despatch startled me into +activity. A vomiting of blood had taken place: If you do not come +instantly, wrote her mother, you will not find her alive. + +"Late at night I arrived at their house feeling as if I myself were +dying. On that dreadful journey the scales had suddenly fallen from my +eyes, and with the same ingenuity which I had formerly exercised to +confirm my own errors, I now sought out every argument expressly to +torment myself with the conviction that I alone was responsible for the +loss of this much cherished being. I tottered up the well-known stairs. +Her mother met me on the landing, tearless, but with a disturbed look +in her eyes. It seemed almost like a relief to me, when she exclaimed: +'you are too late!'--I had dreaded to meet the eyes of my poor sister, +as a murderer dreads the dying look of his victim. And yet it was more +painful to see the calm face, which reclined on her pillows, smiling, +and free from reproach. + +"No one accused me; they still believed in me, and laid the blame on +different incidents, but I felt crushed under the weight of my despair, +and the wildest self-reproaches. + +"On entering the chamber of death, her father looking like a corpse, +staggered heavily into my arms, and losing all self-command, burst +into such convulsive sobs, that the people passing in the streets +stopped to listen. Then the sight of all the old servants who had +adored her; of her mother so completely _changed_--even to this day my +hair stands on end when I think of that dreadful scene. The mother +beside herself with grief called for wine, for I was to drink Ellen's +health?--she supposed the 'so called good God' would not object to +that. But when the servant brought it, the father taking the glass from +the plate dashed it against the wall, crying out: 'broken! dead!' A +hundred times, till his voice was choked by tears.--At last his wife +led him away and I was left alone with the dead. + +"Enough of this dreadful night. I need only add that by dissection, I +obtained a full confirmation, of that, of which the quick penetration +of the old physician had foreseen the danger.--Could it have been +averted? Who can say with certainty whether a conflagration can be +stayed or not, if he does not know what feeds it, or from whence the +wind blows. I had poured fuel on the fire which had snatched away this +innocent life. + +"You may imagine that I did not close my eyes that night. The morning +found me still sitting, racked with pain and fever, by the bed-side of +my sister, when the door opened, and her mother entered the room. She +had recovered the noble and gentle serenity of her features, now that +the first delirium of despair had passed. She kissed me, with +overflowing tears, and even in my burning eyes the tears welled up. 'My +dear son,' she said 'I here surrender to you a small packet which I +found in her writing-table: Your name is on it.' + +"It was her diary, beginning with her twelfth year, up to a few days +before her death--On every page I found my name; on the last were these +words, 'I am dying, darling--I have known you and been permitted to +love you. What more can life bring me? I now have no other wish but +that you should know that I only lived for you, and through you!'--And +this to her murderer!! + +"All the events that succeeded; the death of her father, the short +widowhood of her mother, who pined away till she was at last re-united +to her darling ones, all this, sad as it was, could no longer move me, +the darkness within me was so great--What mattered it if one spark more +died out or not? _That_ I never could forget or overcome--That all +hopes of ever being happy again were at end, was a conviction deeply +impressed on my heart. + +"I repeated to myself a hundred times, that I had acted for the +best according to my belief, that every one of my colleagues had +experienced a like misfortune, that we were only responsible for our +intentions--But in spite of all this, did these three lives weigh the +less on my soul? Could I absolve myself, were all the judges in Heaven +and earth to proclaim me free from guilt? I had destroyed the only joy +of my benefactors, and had miserably deceived them.--I had neglected +this precious life, and how could I henceforth expect any man to +entrust his life to me? + +"I know what you would oppose to this Charles--You have often told me +that I was too sensitive for a doctor's profession--That every one who +consults us knows beforehand that we are only human,--not omnipotent, +and omniscient Gods, and takes his chance. + +"The best doctors are those who never let their feelings interfere, and +never paralyse their energies for the future, by useless regrets for +the unalterable past. I quite agree with you that these are most sound +maxims. But I know enough of disease to foresee that mine is incurable. + +"When the first stunning pain had somewhat subsided, I said to myself, +that I _must_ bear it as well as I could, and at least try to be of +some use as a subordinate, having forfeited my rights as a master.--I +threw my whole energy into theoretical studies--I collected, dissected, +and observed--I might, perhaps, have reconciled myself to this new +existence, if the past had not thrown a shadow over every thing. Now I +loathed and revolted inwardly against all this groping on the +boundaries of human knowledge. A general, after losing a battle upon +which depended the destiny of a whole nation, will hardly like, as long +as the war lasts, to sit in a corner of some quiet library, and study +tactics and strategy. Then I believed that time would cure my wounds +and make life, at least, supportable to me, even if it should be for +ever sunless and gloomy. + +"I had tried aimless wandering and had only experienced the truth of +that hacknied saying that shifting of scenes can never change Tragedy +into Comedy. + +"Only once it seemed as if I might be allured back to that part of my +life alone worth living for--my profession! + +"It was on a steamer between Marseilles and Genoa--We had left the +coast far behind us--suddenly the Captain came up in great +consternation, and asked if there was any doctor among the passengers. +A lady had been taken ill, and was lying in the cabin writhing with +pain--I was just lying down to sleep, determined not to meddle in this +matter, when I heard moans and exclamations from the cabin which would +not let me rest. I asked the Captain to take me down, and after +searching the ship's medicine chest; found some remedies which soothed +the pain. The lady would not let me go, but insisted in a strange medly +of Spanish, and French on my passing the night on a sofa in the +adjoining cabin. At last she went to sleep, and my eyes also closed, +weary with gazing through the open hatchway at the moon-lit sea. + +"All at once, I felt something like an icy cold hand drawn across my +face. I started up, believing it to be the spray which was dashing off +the wheels into the cabin--but to my intense horror, I saw the figure +of Ellen standing beside me, just as she had looked when lying in her +coffin, only her dim widely opened eyes were fixed on me, and her white +finger was laid to her lips, as if to say: 'Do not betray me.' Then she +approached the couch of the stranger, lifted one of the green silk +curtains and after gazing for several minutes on the sleeping woman she +sadly shook her head, and looked gravely at me as if to reproach me for +caring for another when I had left _her_ to die. For one moment she +sunk down at the foot of the bed as if greatly exhausted: then +beckoning three times to me she glided through the hatchway like a +streak of mist. Since that night I have never again approached a +sick-bed. You know, Charles, that I was never of a visionary nature, +that I do not believe in spirits. Of course I know as well as you do +that this was only a delusion of the senses. An apparition caused by +the over excited state of my nerves. But does this alter the main point? +Did I suffer the less because I knew it to be owing to the power of my +nerves over my reason? How can one, whose senses are at variance with +him, hope to gain peace? and how is _he_ to live, who hopes no longer? + +"I have become a superfluous guest at the banquet of life, and so I +prefer taking leave of it, and only press your hand once more before +disappearing. My existence is now no longer necessary to any one--not +even to a dog. + +"None but a healthy and cheerful egotist could tolerate a life which +subsists only for itself. Pardon me, my dear friend, I know that you +will now and then miss me, but you would surely prefer; never to meet +me again, than to recognize me some day in a mad-house; clothed in a +straight waistcoat, and muttering soliloquies. + +"This letter has nearly attained the dimensions of a volume, but as it +is the last I shall ever write, its length may be pardoned. I shall +seal this enclosure with a steady hand, for I am only about to do that +which I must, that which I believe to be for the best. + +"Here in this solitary inn, they will only suppose me to be some crazed +Englishman who insists on fishing by torch-light, in the middle of the +night. Tomorrow when they see the boat driven on the lake without me, +they will say, I have only suffered for my folly, by falling asleep, +and tumbling overboard. Let all my acquaintances suppose the same. And +now good night. I own that on the point of going to sleep, I feel some +curiosity, and hope to have many things--made clear to me.--It is a +pity that I shall not be able to impart my observations to you, as we +have always done when studying together on terrestrial subjects. + +"I am also desirous to witness what dreams may haunt us in eternal +sleep, if a dead man can witness anything. + +"Nothing further has any interest for me--My will was deposed six +months ago in the court of justice--You are my executor--I thank you +once more for your faithful and firm friendship---Let this be my last +word. + + "Eberhard." + + +He did not read over what he had written but immediately folded it, put +it in an envelope, sealed it, and wrote the address--Then he again +looked out of the window--The storm had gradually subsided. He lighted +a cigar and pacing his room, he watched the long-legged spiders +crawling about the low ceiling, and observed the effects of tobacco on +them, by blowing a thick cloud of smoke over their backs. But he soon +grew tired of this interesting occupation, and stared vacantly at the +white washed walls that surrounded him. Suddenly a clamour arose in the +adjoining tap-room. He heard through the door a gruff voice which +belonged neither to the landlord, nor to the farm servant, complaining +of some unreasonable demand. "Yes it was always so, just those women +who cried and lamented if a baby had a cold, did not feel the least +compassion for two poor horses, but would drag them from the manger, +and after a journey of fifteen miles, in this cursed weather; mostly +uphill, and over those dreadful roads, would force them to trot for ten +miles further, and the whole night through, regardless as to whether +they could move a limb on the morrow or not. But he would not stir; no, +not if they were to lay down a hundred kronenthalers on the very spot. +He was not in the service of a knacker, but had to deliver up his +roadsters in the same condition in which he got them; and besides to +say the truth he wished for some rest for himself, and did not care to +break his limbs on the way or get drowned in a puddle." + +A timid female voice which had now and then interrupted this speech +with beseeching words was silenced by this conclusion, which was +accompanied by a fierce oath, and a heavy thump of the fist on the +table. The landlord intervened in his abrupt way by seconding the +coachman, and ordering some beer from the cellar. Then the two men +began to converse, on other subjects, the coachman chiefly abusing the +bad roads which ruined horses and carriage. The landlord fully agreed +with him, and asked him how it was that the ladies had preferred coming +by this side of the dead lake. The coachman informed him that a +landslip had made the other road quite impassable, at least for +twenty-four hours. The rest of the passengers had been contented to +wait at the station, but these ladies had insisted on continuing their +journey on this dangerous road; perhaps because of the child, which +never ceased to wail and moan. At this moment the door opened, and the +men's rough tones were suddenly hushed. A melodious woman's voice was +heard whose touching accents seemed to quiet even these coarse fellows. +At least the coachman, who on her renewing her prayer to him to prepare +for their departure, answered quite civilly, and without any +superfluous oaths, that it was almost impossible to gratify her wishes, +and gave his reasons. She appeared to acquiesce in their importance, +and after a moment's silent reflection, asked if any messenger could be +found who for a considerable gratification would undertake to summon +the nearest doctor, otherwise the child would probably not live through +the night. In saying this her voice trembled so much that the +involuntary listener was touched to the heart. He walked to the +casement, hoping to drown those soft tones in the rushing sound of the +rain. At this moment however the clouds above the lake dispersed +showing the moon's clear and silvery crescent and the sudden stillness +forced him to hear the rest of the parley. + +The landlord called his servant, and asked him if he would take a +message to the doctor who lived six miles distant, in the small +market-town which was situated in a neighbouring valley. The man +replied that he had no objection to the long walk, or the bad road, if +the lady gave him a liberal fee; but he knew that it would be useless +for Hansel the forester's assistant had told him that very day, that +his friend Sepp had to wait another week to have the ball extracted +from his thigh, for the doctor himself was ill, from a fall from his +horse, and his apprentice had an unsafe hand, as he was renowned for +drinking too much brandy. Then the sad and gentle voice of the lady +asked, after a silence of several minutes, if it would not be possible +to procure a litter, and carry the child to the nearest place where a +doctor resided, she herself would help to carry it; she only required a +couple of trustworthy men, and a guide with a lighted torch. + +That could not be done either, the landlord answered;--they had no +litter on which the child could be carried comfortably, and then they +could not all leave the house; however he would speak to his wife about +it. + +He was just reluctantly leaving his bench by the stove, when the +landlady herself rushed into the room, and cried out that the nurse +begged her mistress to come to the child--that departure was now not to +be thought of, for the child was dying. + +The listener in the adjacent room turned from the window as if drawn by +some magic power; he took a few steps towards the door, then stopped +and shook his head with a sigh. He tried to recommence his walk up and +down the small room; but at every second step, he stood still to listen +for some further sound. His cigar had gone out. Mechanically he +approached it to the candle to light it, but before he was aware of +what he was doing, his breath had extinguished the feeble flame. He +remained staring at the dying sparks in the wick--one moment more and +the last would disappear. Possibly in the next room a little flame far +more valuable than the miserable light of this penny candle was on the +point of relapsing into the darkness of night. + +Well let it die out; what right had any one to meddle in the matter. +Perhaps by trying to kindle it again, it would only the more surely be +extinguished by his clumsy hands. What can it signify? Why try to save +a human being's life, who may, some day or other, wish that he had +never been born, and who may perhaps also see the hour, when he shall +have to bid good night to his dearest friend---- + +Again he listened, and held his breath not to lose a sound of what was +passing in the next room. He fancied he heard a child's plaintive +moaning, then the lady's gentle voice trying to soothe it, passionate +weeping, and then silence. He could stand it no longer in the solitude +of his room. He only wished to hear how the child was going on. He +began to think himself a barbarian, to be quietly hiding in a corner, +when even these rough peasants showed some sympathy. Hastily opening +the door, he groped his way through the dark empty tap-room, and across +the passage. The door was ajar, and a ray of light streamed through the +chink. He now distinctly heard the child moan and the mother quieting +it. "We ought to prepare some tea for the poor child in order to +bring on a perspiration," said the hostess, "We must try and find +some."--"The elder berries, in the drawer up-stairs, would not do badly +in case of need," answered her husband; then silence reigned again, +only interrupted by the sighs of the house-maid, who knelt in a corner, +repeating one pater-noster after another. + +"Put another feather-bed on the child," advised the coachman; "it has +caught cold; see how its little hands twitch convulsively--it is +freezing." + +The farm-servant, who stood near the stove, was just going to lay +another log on the still glowing embers, when he was arrested by a firm +hand which was laid on his shoulders. He turned round and perceived the +stranger standing before him. "I forbid you to put on another chip of +wood;" he said, in a voice which denoted that he was accustomed to be +strictly obeyed; "and you all," he continued, turning to the rest of +the idle spectators, "get out of the room; do you hear? the air here is +bad enough to stifle even a healthy man." They all looked at each +other--only the mother and nurse of the child had not perceived the +entrance of the stranger. The mother knelt beside the bed with one arm +clasped round the moaning child as if to defend it from assassins. The +nurse stood by her, and stared in helpless despair on her little +charge--on its wandering eyes, and fever parched lips, from which now +and then a low wail escaped. She started back, as if death in person +was approaching her, when the stranger stept up to the bed, laid his +hand on the burning brow, and took up one of the little thin arms to +feel the pulse. + +The shriek of horror which the nurse involuntarily uttered, awakened +the mother from the lethargy of despair. She looked wonderingly at the +stranger, and a sudden ray of hope brightened her face. + +"Madam," he said, "will you entrust your child to one entirely unknown +to you, who though he has not the presumption to promise to save its +life, yet knows what in these cases, is prescribed by our feeble +science." + +She could not answer him; this unlooked for aid in her direst distress +overpowered her. "Take this," he said, drawing a card from his +pocket-book, "my name may not be known to you, but the title which +stands before it will show you, that others too have trusted to my +skill; with what result, has nothing to do with the present case." + +The young woman remained in her former position, but she stretched +towards him the arm not engaged in supporting her child's head, and +said: "The Almighty seems to have sent you. He has had compassion on +me. I fully confide in you!" + +"Then order a pitcher of fresh spring water from the well, and a tub to +be brought. The rest I will manage myself." + +He hastily opened both windows, and took the feather-bed from off the +child, only covering it lightly with a large plaid. Then he called in +the farm-servant who was standing in the passage, with the rest of the +people, grumbling, and waiting for the result of the stranger's +despotic interference. He asked if no snow or ice could be procured in +the neighbourhood. "Yes," growled out the man, "there was some to be +had; but one must climb for about an hour through the woods, to get to +the crevice in a rock, where the snow never melted summer or winter, as +the sun could not reach the spot. To-morrow morning he would go and +fetch some!" + +"You don't seem to understand me," resumed the doctor; "here I lay down +this kronenthaler; it is now half past nine o'clock; the moon is up, +the storm has ceased--whoever brings me in the course of an hour, a +load of snow or ice has gained this reward. Tomorrow you may bring down +a whole glacier, and will not get a penny for it." "All right," said +the farm-servant with a short laugh, and walked away. The nurse had in +the meantime brought in the cold water and an empty tub. Without +another word, the stranger lifted the child from the bed, stripped off +its clothes, and telling the mother to hold it, he poured the icy cold +water over it. He then dried it quickly, laid it again in its bed, and +wrapped a wet towel round its head. The child which a moment ago had +struggled and screamed in his arms, now seemed relieved. The eyes +ceased to wander, and turned towards the mother with a wondering, but +calm look--then she closed them with a deep sigh. + +"The child is dying!" the nurse screamed out, and burst into a fit of +crying. "I thought that would be the consequence of the cold water, and +the open windows. Ah, Madam, how could you suffer this?" + +"Silence," said the stranger imperiously, "or you will have to leave +the room. I hope, Madam," he continued, in a gentler tone, "that you do +not expect a miracle from me. The illness we have to combat, cannot be +vanquished in one night. The child has a virulent typhus fever, and our +chief care must be to prevent the brain from being affected. But do not +let every new symptom alarm you. As far as I can judge, no aggravating +circumstances exist. You see the child has again opened its eyes. +Nature already feels that we are assisting it. How old is the child?" +"Seven years and a few weeks." "A fine child, so well developed; what +anguish you must now suffer." + +Tears streamed from the poor mother's eyes; she pressed her face +against the little white hand which lay on the dark plaid. All the +agitation of the last weary hours, dissolved in these refreshing tears. + +At last she arose, and with a grateful look at the doctor, she sank +into a chair which he had placed for her beside the bed. He too took a +seat at the foot of it, and gravely but calmly observed the little +girl. They were both silent. The nurse, ashamed of her thoughtless +outbreak, went to and fro to renew the cold compresses. Without, all +was still; the last clouds had disappeared and a ray of moonlight stole +in, and shone slanting through the narrow casement, lighting up the +small white hand of the young mother who was softly stroking the little +hand of her child. The only sound which broke the silence proceeded +from the streamlets formed by the rain, which were now rushing past the +house, the regular dripping of the gutter, and the whistling of the +coachman who was bedding his horses. + +Suddenly the child raised herself on the pillows, looked at the +stranger with widely opened eyes, and said: "Is this Papa? is he not +dead? I want to give him a kiss, Mamma; has he not brought something +for his little daughter? I want to sit on his knee. Where is Sophy? Oh! +my poor head! Papa please hold my head. I am thirsty." Then the small +fair head sank back on the pillow, and the eyes closed as if in pain. +Eberhard rose and held a glass of fresh water to her burning lips. +"Thank you, Papa," said the child. Then she became very quiet, only the +twitchings of the feverish half opened mouth betrayed her sufferings. + +"I must explain to you," the lady began, turning to the silent doctor, +who had now resumed his seat, "how it comes that my poor darling has +those strange fancies. Unfortunately I must reproach myself with having +caused this violent shock: The father of my poor little girl was an +Austrian officer. A few months after our marriage, I had to part with +him; his regiment was ordered to Italy, where the war was commencing. +Shortly afterwards news reached me that he had been amongst the first +victims of the bloody battle of Solferino. Since that time I have +always felt the greatest longing to visit the spot where my dear +husband found repose after his short career, and though no cross marks +his grave, at least to inhale the air in which his brave heart breathed +its last. Even my little girl expressed the same wish as she grew +older, and understood me when I told her of her father's death. Many +things deterred me from realizing this plan, particularly the fear that +the long journey might overfatigue, and agitate the child, who always +had a very excitable imagination, and a tender heart: and now I have to +suffer severely for having indulged my desire. If you had seen how +eagerly she listened to the words which I translated to her from the +account of the old serjeant, whom I found watching the monument on the +field of battle. Her cheeks burned, and her eyes glistened; her emotion +was far beyond her years. When we turned back she shivered, and in the +following night, complained of headache, and did not sleep for an +instant. She did not mention her father again till this moment, when +she mistook you for him, and fancied he was sitting at her bedside. +Perhaps it would have been better, had I remained where I was, but I +dreaded the Italian doctors, and did not believe the danger to be so +imminent. In my own carriage, for I had taken post-horses on leaving +the railway, I thought we could easily arrange a comfortable bed for +the child. The weather too was warm, and she herself eagerly desired to +be taken home. The storm reached us just at the worst part of the road; +and we were most thankful when we reached this inn. But what would have +become of us without your help?" + +She turned from the gloomy and taciturn man to dry her tears. Then they +again sat silently opposite each other. He felt tempted to entreat her +to go on speaking. Here was something in her voice which soothed him, +and was as cooling balm to his feverish soul, but he saw that her +thoughts were again occupied with the child, and he had nothing to tell +her. He only gazed more earnestly at the young woman by the dim light +of the candle and of the moon. He remarked that her brow, and the shape +of her eyes which had a distinguished melancholy and gentle expression +in them, resembled those of his adoptive mother, who had so often +looked at him with thoughtful affection. Her figure was round and +supple, and every turn of her head and of her slender throat was full +of grace. + +The abundant auburn hair hung negligently over her shoulders. All about +her showed the habits of one accustomed to wealth. Wealth ennobled by a +cultivated mind, and refined taste, but which had lost all charms for +her, in the danger which threatened her most precious treasure. + +The door was now cautiously opened, and the farm-servant dragged in a +large tub filled with ice; then wiping the perspiration from his +forehead, he triumphantly pointed to the clock which showed that ten +minutes were still wanting to the stipulated hour, pocketed his well +earned money, and officiously asked if anything else was wanted. "No, +he could go to bed now," the doctor answered. He then tore a piece of +oiled silk from the lining of his travelling pouch, made a bag of it to +hold the ice, and showed the nurse how to lay it on the forehead +of the child. Her mistress interfered--"No," she said, "you must now +lie down, and rest, Josephine; you have not slept for thirty-six +hours."--"Neither, Madam, have you," observed the maid, "and I do not +need it so much as your honour, for at least I have swallowed a few +morsels of food." + +"Do as I tell you," resumed the mother; "I well know how useless it +would be for me to attempt to sleep. Perhaps I may be able to take some +rest in the morning, if the night passes well." + +"Allow me to feel your pulse, Madam," said the doctor, and then without +another word he suddenly left the room. + +The two women looked after him in astonishment, and the maid, an +elderly fat woman, with a round face, strongly marked by the smallpox, +and good natured brown eyes, availed herself of his absence, to sing +the praises of their unknown deliverer, quite as eagerly as she had +previously abused him. "He had something so peculiar about him," she +remarked; "he appeared to be ill and yet kind heartedness was written +on every feature--and how cleverly he managed everything; how well he +supported our child's head, just as if he had been a nurse all the days +of his life. And then he is so very handsome and quite young, only now +and then when a stern expression comes over his face, he looks so grave +and gloomy, as if he had never laughed; and at other times he shuts his +eyes, as if he were in great pain, and wished to conceal it." + +At this moment the subject of her remarks returned, carrying a large +glass of milk in his hand. He gave it to the lady as one would offer +some medicine to a child. "Drink this, Madam," he said; "it is new milk +and will do you good." "You require strength to fulfill the task you +have undertaken, and here nothing else is to be had. It would be very +beneficial to the child, if she could be induced to swallow a few +drops. Approach the glass to her lips, and persuade her to try it; you +have succeeded. We must do all we can to keep up her strength, so that +another attack may not overcome her. Now follow my advice, and lie down +on that bed; I will watch the child, and the maid also can well spare a +few hours more of sleep. When midnight has passed, I will awake you and +then the maid can lie down." She still objected. "Do as I tell you," he +said passionately, "or I will think that you never really felt the +confidence you showed me." + +She turned towards the bed where the child, relieved by the ice +compresses, lay apparently asleep and stooping over its delicate little +face kissed its closed eyes. "I will obey you," she said, with a faint +smile, "if you promise to awake me, in case my child should grow +worse." + +He silently pressed her hand and took her seat by the bedside, while +her maid helped her to lie down on the second bed, which stood in a +corner, after having removed a load of coverings. + +When a quarter of an hour had passed, the faithful creature, softly +approaching the doctor, who sat absorbed in his own thoughts, stooped, +seized one of his hands, and before he could prevent it had pressed it +to her lips, whispering: "God be praised, she sleeps! Oh sir, you can +work marvels! For four nights, my mistress had not closed her eyes. +First the grief, and agitation before we reached that unfortunate +battle-field; and then, anxiety about her child. If you but knew what +an angel my mistress is. If I were to tell you all...." + +"Leave that for another time," he interrupted; "you have nothing else to +do now, but to lie down, and not to stir till I call you. To-night you +are useless, and to-morrow you must be up early. Here are pillows, and +coverlets enough. Arrange a bed for yourself beside the stove; and now +good night. Don't contradict me. Do you wish to awake your mistress by +uselessly arguing the matter?" + +The good woman obeyed with a timid humble look, pulled a feather-bed +into a corner of the room, and in a few minutes her regular breathing, +proved that she too had needed rest after the hardships of the last few +days. + +A short while afterwards, the moon disappeared behind a cloud, and only +the faint reflex of the starry sky was to be seen, on that part of the +lake which could be overlooked from the room in which the lonely +watcher sat by the sick-bed. He now for the first time felt a desire to +take some food, and to quench his thirst. He drank the remainder of the +milk which still stood on the table. As he put down the glass he +fancied he saw the lady on the bed make a convulsive movement. He +approached her softly. In an uneasy dream, she had put both hands to +her eyes as if to wipe away tears; now she slept quietly, and her hands +slowly sank down again. Motionless he gazed on that fair face, on which +every dream was reflected as the shadows of dissolving clouds on the +calm surface of a lake; sorrow, anxiety, then hope! Now she smiled, and +the delicately chiselled lips parted, disclosing two rows of pearly +teeth. The next moment her brow darkened, an imploring look appeared on +her face; she stretched out both her hands and clasped them together; +he then remarked on one of her fingers, two wedding rings, and wondered +whether the second one belonged to the father of her child, or if some +other man were now in possession of that small hand. He was roused from +these thoughts by a moan from the little girl. He only arranged the +coverlet which had fallen on the ground and wrapped it round the small +feet of the young woman who had not taken off her boots. Then he +returned to his occupation of changing, every quarter of an hour, the +ice that had melted and now and then refreshing the parched lips of the +child with a few drops of water. + +Towards midnight a violent wind arose on the lake, and the young man +shivered as the window was still open. He seized the first wrap which +he found among the luggage, and covered himself up with it. It was a +long soft burnouss lined with silk which belonged to the young woman. +He pulled the hood over his head; and a sweet scent was wafted from it; +as the silk touched his face a peculiar feeling of languor came over +him; he closed his eyes, but a confused maze of ideas passed through +his mind, and he could not sleep. + +Suddenly his eyes opened with an expression of terror in them. He +started from his chair, and trembling violently, he stared at the lake. +Conspicuous on the dark surface of the water, something white glided +slowly; it had the shape of a veiled figure, and seemed to move towards +the house. The moon had appeared again, and lit up a faint streak of +mist which had strayed from the mountain tops, and was swept across the +lake. When it reached the current of wind that blew from the ravine, it +dissolved, and the surface of the water was as clear as before; but the +only one who had seen this airy apparition still stood as if rooted to +the ground and stared at the spot where it had disappeared. A cold +perspiration bathed his brow, his breath came shortly and quickly, and +his eyes, which started from their sockets, remained fixed on that +spot, as if he expected to see the vision appear again the next moment. + +A hot little hand touched the clammy ones of the horror-stricken man. +"Is it you, Papa?" asked the little girl; and sat up in her bed. Two +small thin arms were stretched up to him and before he was aware of it, +the child clung to his neck and hid its burning face on his breast. +"Don't leave us again, Papa," she said, "or Mamma will cry again, and I +must die." + +In an instant the nightmare which oppressed him, vanished. He clasped +the slender little figure in his arms, as if it were a protection +against the malignant powers. He held her so for some time, and while +the child caressed him, he felt the blood flow more calmly through his +veins. He kissed her little face, stroking her damp curls, asked: "What +is your name, my child." "Are you my Papa," she said, "and do not even +know that I am your own little Fan? Ah, yes, I know that they have shot +you, that is why you have forgotten me. Did it hurt you much?" + +"To-morrow I will tell you all about it," he said, and gently laid her +back on her bed; "now, you must keep quiet, and not awake your Mamma." + +The child obediently lay down, and closed her eyes, but she held fast +the hand of her faithful guardian, and now and then looked up at him +with a wondering but wide awake expression. He too stedfastly gazed on +the innocent face, as if fearing that were he to turn round, the +terrifying vision would again appear. + +So he watched by the sick-bed till day dawned. When the bare rocky +peaks which rose above the lake, blushed in the first morning light, +sounds of life, broke the stillness of the house. + +The farm-servant crept shoeless along the passage, and cautiously +peeping into the sick-room, pointed to the now empty wooden tub and +asked if another supply of ice were wanted. The doctor nodded his head, +and he disappeared. Then came the landlady and offered her ready +services, but Everhard declined them. The generosity of the strange +gentleman had worked wonders with the inmates of the house. Only the +coachman, who had not got over his intoxication of the previous day, +stumbled, cursing, and growling, with heavy boots, down the stairs, and +through the passage; so that the lady asked still half asleep, if it +were time to start. "Not yet," answered Everhard, "you can sleep on for +another hour." Then he rose hastily, and went out to prevent the noisy +fellow from again approaching the sick-room. When he returned after a +few minutes, he found the young mother seated at the bedside of her +child. + +"Why are you up already?" he asked reproachfully. "Already?" she +replied, "you wish to put me to confusion. Have you not succeeded in +deceiving me, and taken my place through the whole of the night. Why +did you not let me share the night-watch with you?" + +"Because I could easily dispense with sleep, which was most needful for +you. And then there was nothing to be done which required help. Be of +good cheer; we have every reason to be satisfied with this night." + +"Then the danger is over! thanks be to heaven!" + +"I cannot give you that certainty," he answered; "you have promised to +trust me, and can only do so, if I conceal nothing from you. But I can +give you the assurance that all the symptoms are as favourable as can +be expected in this illness. The inmates of the house are well disposed +towards us, and will do their best to help us." + +A ray of pleasure brightened her pale face. "Oh! my friend," she +exclaimed, "if it were but possible!" She held out her hand to him, and +tears stood in her eyes. + +He stooped to kiss her hand, but in reality to hide his emotion. "Could +you have believed me capable of forsaking you, before the child's life +was saved?" he asked. "Do not thank me, not imagine that I am +sacrificing anything by remaining here. I have already brought you the +greatest sacrifice I could offer, all the rest is a relief to me." + +She looked up inquiringly. "I am keeping you from other duties?" she +asked. + +"No," he answered gloomily; "ever since last year I have been an idle, +and restless man. Led by motives, which cannot interest you, I once +gave myself my word of honour, never to exercise my profession as a +doctor again. Yesterday, I broke this word for your sake. If you will +permit me to continue my attendance, you will free me from reproach, +and so we shall be of mutual service to each other." + +After a pause during which he had felt the pulse of the child, he +resumed, "She now sleeps quietly; if you wish to apprize your friends +of your present abode, you have time to do so. The coachman, who is +meanwhile getting ready, will post your letter at the next station." + +"I have no one, who would feel anxious at my non-appearance," said the +lady, and blushed slightly; "I live so very retired!" + +"No one?" he repeated, with surprise, and involuntarily his eyes +fastened on the two rings. + +She remarked his glance, and understood it instantly. "The second +ring," she said unconstrainedly, "is not the sign of a second marriage. +It belonged to my husband, who feeling death approaching, drew it from +his finger and begged a comrade of his to bring it to me. Since that +day, I have refused all solicitations to change my condition, and have +only withdrawn from my dear husband's family, because a near relation +of his, imagines that he has some claim to my hand. I have vowed to +live only for my child, and to the memory of the dead, and this vow is +sacred to me." + +The nurse now awoke, and reluctantly sat up on her couch, but she +jumped up briskly, when she saw her mistress and the doctor already +actively employed, and hastened with great zeal to relieve them; +protesting that it was all the doctor's fault, as he had strictly +forbidden her to watch. + +"Bathe the child," said Everhard; "I will now leave you for half an +hour; bathe the child as we did yesterday, and let it drink some milk +which you can now get fresh from the cow. And here comes a fresh supply +of ice. You see the attendance could nowhere be better than it is in +this desolate nook of the world. Fortunately an apothecary's shop is +not needed in this case. Good-bye; we shall soon meet again." He bowed +slightly and left the room. Then he walked down to the shore, loosened +one of the boats which were chained up in the shed, and with a few +powerful strokes launched the light bark into the open lake. The sun +had not yet risen above the surrounding heights, overgrown with dark +pines, and the calm and sultry air lay heavily on the dark surface of +the water, and oppressed the chest of the young man who was fatigued by +the sleepless night. He looked down into the depths below him and +noticed that close to the boat the water seemed transparent as crystal, +and nearly white, while the lake beyond, though the sky was bright and +clear, appeared like a black unfathomable chasm. He recollected what a +woodcutter had once told him, that the lake was bottomless--that its +waters sank deeper and deeper till at last they reached hell; and so +when the evil spirits there found their abode too hot for them, they +went to bathe in them. + +He pulled in his oars and looked up at the nearly perpendicular shores +which were covered with dark fir-woods up to their very peaks. These +had exchanged the glow of early morning for a dull greyish tint. And +now the sun had burst forth with great power, and tried to gild the +ravine, which looked like a cauldron of dark iron. But only a dazzling +white light was reflected on the smooth surface of the lake. The dense +woods which surrounded it absorbed every ray of sunshine. No cheerful +light coloured and enlivened the dreary landscape. A small patch of +green grass, near the inn, on which a red-brown cow grazed, and the +blue smoke which curled up from the chimney were the only objects that +awakened the consoling thought, that even in this wilderness human +beings had found a home. An islet, covered with birch-trees, lay near +the opposite shore. Everhard rowed up to it, tied the bark to a post, +and stripped off his clothes to enjoy an early bath. + +Suddenly the thought struck him, with what intention he had arrived +yesterday. He shuddered. It seemed to him as if his resolve would be +fulfilled, even against his will; as if he had pledged himself to that +perfidious depth, which would claim him for its own. One moment he felt +tempted to put on his clothes again, and to row back as fast as he +could, but ashamed of his weakness, he shook off these fancies and +boldly jumped into the water. + +The cold Alpine waves closed round him like ice just melted by the sun, +and he had to exert all his knowledge of swimming, to keep his blood, +by continual movement, from congealing. When he stepped out of the +water, and leaning against the stem of a young birch, his feet buried +in the soft moss, dried himself briskly, he felt happier than he had +done for many a day. He looked towards the house. In the room, where +the child lay he could see some one moving near the window. The +distance was too great to distinguish the figure, still less the +features, yet it pleased to him to think that among the inmates of that +house, there were some who needed him, and had placed their hopes in +him. + +Meanwhile the child in the sick-room raised herself in her bed, looked +searchingly round the room, and said: "Has Papa gone away? is he again +dead? I want him to sit beside me." Her mother kissed the child's +forehead and begged her to remain quiet. "That good gentleman is not +your Papa," she said; "you must not call him so. He is the doctor, who +will make you well again, if you are a good child, and do all he tells +you." "Not my Papa," repeated the little girl meditatively. She seemed +to relinquish her first idea with difficulty. "What is his name?" she +resumed. "Will he leave me?" + +"Here he comes," said the fat nurse, who had tears in her eyes, on +hearing her darling speak calmly and sensibly, for the first time for +several days. "Just look Ma'am, how fast he rows, as if he were +impatient to get back to our child. Well, I call that a doctor! To-day +he looks even handsomer, than he did yesterday, with his fine black +beard and pale face. Only his eyes have a stern expression, that would +frighten one if he were not so kind." + +They now saw him leap from the boat but he did not speak to them, as he +passed the door, and they heard him give some orders to the landlady. A +few minutes later he entered the sick-room, at once approached the bed +of the child, and talked kindly to it. This presence seemed to exercise +a sort of charm on the little girl. She breathed with more ease, and +closed her eyes at his persuasion. + +The stillness in the sick-room was so great that they heard the splash +of the fish leaping in the water. After some time he rose, and +whispered, "She sleeps; the fever has abated. I hope she may be able to +rest for a few hours, and I will take care that no one disturbs her. I +will now lie down for a short while, till the chicken broth I have +ordered for our little patient, is ready. + +"How can I ever express my thanks to you for all your kindness, and +solicitude," observed the child's mother with much emotion. + +By not thanking me at all he replied almost gruffly, and left them. + +When he entered his room, he found the letter he had written the night +before still lying on the table. The large red seal now, seemed +offensive to his eyes, yet he could not make up his mind to destroy it, +so he put it by, in his portfolio. He then threw himself on his bed, +and tried to sleep, but the thick coming thoughts, beset him like +buzzing flies. He fancied he heard the child's voice, and that of its +lovely mother, and raised himself on his bed to listen. At length after +much musing and reflection, he fell into an uneasy sleep disturbed by +dreams. + +At noon, the landlady entered his room, and seeing him asleep, tried to +creep away noiselessly. But he was up in a moment, and inquiring if the +soup were ready, followed her into the kitchen. "Where is the broth?" +he asked, and approached the hearth whence a tempting odour arose from +the different pots and pans. The stupid maid who was stirring something +in one of them, let fall her wooden ladle in amazement, and stared +open-mouthed at the stranger as he lifted the lid of one of the pots, +and examined its contents with a critical eye. Then he asked for a +plate poured some of the chicken broth into it, and carefully took out +the herbs which floated on it. + +When he turned to carry away the soup, he saw the young mother standing +at the entrance. "Is this right?" she asked with a charming smile, +"instead of sleeping I see you have turned cook." + +"I only cook for my patients," he replied, "the care of preparing +dinner for the healthy, I leave to our hostess, who will do honour to +our confidence in her, and needs no help of mine. Is our patient still +asleep?" + +"She awoke a moment since, and has just asked for you." + +When he entered the sick-room, the child sat upright in her bed, and +greeted the doctor with a smile. Then she willingly swallowed a few +spoonfuls of the soup which he offered her. She did not appear to be +hungry however, but only to do it because he wished it. She listened +eagerly to all the doctor said. He told her that in the morning he had +watched the fish disport themselves in the lake, and promised her that +they would go and catch some of them when she could leave her bed. + +After a while she again seemed to lose consciousness. Her blue eyes +partially closed, and the small head sank back on her pillows. + +"Be of good cheer," said the doctor; "the progress is slow but sure. +Your maid must continue to change the ice frequently. Meanwhile we will +go and have dinner. It is ready." + +"Leave me here with my child," she whispered. "No," he replied, curtly. +"You must breathe the fresh air. We do not want another patient, and +your pulse is much agitated. When we have dined, we will relieve the +nurse." + +He walked on without another word, and she dared not oppose him. In the +shade before the house, close to the window of the sick-room, the cover +had been laid for two. Just as they came out, the landlady brought a +dish of fish, and placed them on the table, these were followed by a +roasted fowl. During the repast they hardly spoke a word to each other. +Both were lost in thought. Now and then, he would persuade her, not +only to take a few mouthfuls on her plate, but to eat them. "I shall be +offended," he said, gaily, "if you eat nothing. We doctors enjoy the +reputation of being great gourmands. I hope I have not disgraced my +profession in this instance?" + +"Pardon me, if I cannot yet bear the brightness around me," she said. +"My heart has been too deeply troubled. I have passed through such +heavy storms, that the ground still trembles beneath me. To-morrow I +will behave better." Then they both relapsed into silence, and gazed at +the lake, over which the mid-day heat was brooding. A cricket chirped +in the quiet little garden; and within the landlord snored on his bench +by the stove. From the shed by the lake, the gurgle of the waves +against the softly rocking boats was heard, and from the sick-room the +nurse humming a nursery rhyme, the same with which years ago she had +lulled the child in her cradle to sleep. + + + * * * * * + + +The quiet day was followed by a restless night. The fever increased in +violence; the child moaned continually, and could hardly be kept in her +bed. At midnight she grew calmer. + +The doctor hardly stirred from the house; only in the evening, he +refreshed himself with a cigar out of doors. Then he took a turn round +the house, and every time he passed the window of the sick-room, +stopped for a moment, and spoke a few words of encouragement to the +mother who would not quit the bed-side. In the night, while watching +with her--the nurse had been sent to bed--he suddenly said; "How much +your child resembles you. Just now, in this dim light, when you stooped +over her and the little girl looked up to you with that peculiarly +spiritual and precocious expression which illness gives, I could almost +have fancied that you were sisters. Ten years hence, she will be your +very image." "Perhaps you are right," answered the young mother, "but +the resemblance is only outward: all her mental qualities she inherits +from her father. I often wonder at so great a likeness in such a young +child, and _that_ too a girl. Her truthfulness her self-denial, her +courage often make me feel as if my lost husband had been given back to +me in this child." + +"You are mentioning qualities, which during our short acquaintance, I +have remarked that you possess in a high degree." + +She shook her head, "If I seem courageous, it is only owing to my +natural cowardice. When you first saw me I was quite broken-hearted +with misery, and anxiety, but I dared not give vent to my feelings, for +I knew that I should break down utterly at the sound of my own voice. +My husband could look the most fearful events calmly in the face; and +so it is with the child. He could make any sacrifice without thinking +of himself." + +"And you; I should think, you did not spare yourself in the first days +of this trial." + +"A mother's heart feels no sacrifice," she answered, "but before my +child was born I often had to strive with myself, and force myself to +do what was distasteful to me for the sake of others. It is not so with +the child, though youth generally is, and well may be, the season for +egotism. I could tell you a hundred traits of her excellent +disposition. I have often felt anxious about her, for so precocious a +tenderness of feeling is said to be the presage of a short life. Who +can tell whether it may not be realized." + +Everhard looked out on the lake, and seemed not to have heard her last +words. Suddenly he said; "you have probably a portrait of your husband: +Will you show it to me?" + +She took off a delicately worked Venetian chain, which she wore round +her neck, opened the locket which was fastened to it, and handed it to +him. + +He gazed at it for several minutes, and then silently gave it back to +her. After a long pause he said, "Was it a youthful attachment?" + +"Not quite what is generally so called. I was, certainly very young +when I made his acquaintance. Before I saw him no man had ever made any +impression on me; but I hardly knew how dearly I loved him till a month +after our marriage took place. I only learnt to appreciate him fully +during the short period of our union, and my love grew into a passion +when I had lost him for ever. Had you known him, you would have become +friends; he never had an enemy." + +Everhard had risen and was pacing the room with noiseless steps. He +stopped before the table and took up a volume which projected from a +travelling bag. They were Lenau's poems. On the fly leaf was inscribed +the name of Lucille. + +"Does this poet please you?" asked the doctor.-- + +"I hardly know whether he repels, or attracts me; and although I +generally have a clear perception in such things, yet I cannot quite +discover in his thoughts, what is genuine and what is artificial. He +suffered much, yet it often appears to me, as if by continually +irritating them, he purposely re-opened his wounds. I hardly know why I +took this book on my journey; perhaps as a sort of consolation." + +"You seek consolation with a poet so weary of life?" + +"Why not? _He_ died mad. When I think of that death, the grief for my +husband's seems easier to bear, for what a glorious death was granted +to him! Young, loved by all, he died heroically for his country! I +carry his image undefaced in my heart, not distorted by illness, and +the last agony, nor estranged from me by insanity. How dreadful must it +not be to see one dear to us deprived of his senses. Do you not feel +the same?" + +He was silent for a moment, and then replied by another question: "So +you would have thought the death of your husband desirable, if he had +been doomed to life long insanity?" + +"Spare me the answer. I cannot give you one truthfully, without pain." + +"So much the better," he said. She did not understand him. A few +minutes later he left the room. + +He returned an hour after midnight, and insisted on relieving the +mother from her watch by the sickbed. She could not resist his +imperative manner, and only begged him to let her, and the nurse, +relieve him alternately. He promised to do so; and this time kept his +promise. In the morning when Lucille awoke, she found the nurse alone, +and heard that the doctor lay on a straw mattress in the tap-room to be +near at hand in case of need. + + + * * * * * + + +A week had passed since these events, and Everhard again sat in his +little room at the crazy table, and the candle cast the same dim +flickering light, as on that first occasion, only the moon shone so +brightly through the casement, that one could easily have dispensed +with any other light. Everhard had just perused the letter written on +that dark and gloomy night, and was now adding a postscript on the +blank page. + +"A week older, Charles; and yet a week younger! When I look at my face, +and compare it with the aged features which appear to me in these +pages, then I find that I have made the most retrograde movement, and +have again arrived at an age, at which even you did not know me; at a +time when I never thought of death, though I touched it daily with my +dissecting knife; _then_ I had no more thought of it, than a child's +doctor has of catching the measles. I have now studied the morbid +symptoms in my letter, as coolly as I once did the strange countenance +of number So and so in the hospital. + +"You will be glad to hear that I have surmounted my last crisis, but I, +when I search my thoughts, can only deplore this. + +"Everything was ready for my departure, my trunks so nicely packed, the +last leave takings exchanged; I heard the shrill whistle of the +engine,--suddenly I am told that I have missed the train; and so I +remain, not at home, nor abroad, but sitting at the railway station in +a most provoking position. It seems ridiculous to have to stay and +unpack, after all these preparations for departure. How it all happened +I will tell you in a few words, lest you should think that cowardice +overcame me at the last moment, that I regretted to leave this life, +and persuaded myself that after all it was the best. No it was not that +which played me this trick, it was my old passion, my profession! I +found it of more importance to save a young life, than to despatch my +own, so prematurely old. The child in question was well worth the +trouble, that I can tell you. And as for the mother! don't fancy that I +have fallen in love; you would be mistaken. Or do you call love, the +feelings of a poor devil of a miner who after having been buried in a +coal-pit, is brought to life again and rejoices in the first breath of +fresh air. Do not be afraid that I shall give you a description of this +young woman's charms. Whether she be handsome, amiable--what is usually +so called; clever, or whether she possess all those qualities the +description of which generally fills columns, I know not. All I know, +is that in her presence, I forget my existence; the past, the +future--all I feel is that she is there beside me and that I would +desire nothing more to all eternity, than that she should remain so. Do +you recollect how strange it once seemed to us, that the same +passionate poet, from whose brain proceeded 'Werther' should have +expressed such tame feelings as these-- + + "'Gaze at the moon, + Or think of thee, + I fancy 'tis the same. + All in a holy light, I see, + And know not how it came.' + +"And now to my shame be it spoken, I experience the same feelings in +myself. This lunacy, as we jestingly called it, has taken such +possession of me, that my only desire at present is, that through all +the future years of my life, I might live as in one long night, +surrounded by the pale veiled halo which now calms my soul. + +"This is but a dream. Ere long I must insist on my little patient's +departure to more civilised regions, where she will be better provided +for during her convalescence, than she can be here, where chicken-broth +is the landlady's sole culinary achievement. Then I shall become +unnecessary, and can bid farewell to the Dead Lake, and once more try +to live in a world which after these events will seem doubly desolate +to me. Was I not right in deploring the departure of the train? By this +time I should have reached my destination. But why should not the +journey be only postponed for a fortnight; especially as the one I had +intended to take does in no wise depend on the weather, or the company. +I can tell you the reason, Charles; I know that you will not despise me +for it. My courage is gone! Is it so very despicable that I now dread +that gloomy depth, into which a week ago I was willing to plunge; now +that I have found a place of rest up here in the daylight? And though +in a few days I shall be again roaming about, like the wandering +unsettled savage I was, up to this last week, yet nothing can ever +efface from my heart the feeling that somewhere between heaven and +earth there is a corner where I could live in repose; where, like that +Matricide, in Sophocles, I had found a sanctuary from which, awed by +the holiness of the refuge even the furies keep aloof, and dare not +sully the threshold. + +"Unfortunately, it is perfectly clear to me that from her, I also must +keep aloof. This woman even if I ventured to offer her my unamiable +society for the remainder of her life, could but politely decline. She +has made a vow to remain faithful to the memory of her dead husband. +What is a vow? Ought it to be a chain to bind and check our very +existence, after we have outgrown our former selves. In the course of +seven years the physical part of man is completely renewed, and is our +spiritual part, surrounded by new flesh and blood to remain the same, +because some misanthrope doubted his own power of revival. Have I not +also broken my vow never again to approach a sick-bed. And I even deem +this to be rather to my credit than my shame. But the vow of this woman +is raised far above the fickleness of human wishes and resolves. She +wishes me well; I could find no truer friend in need than she would +prove. She would make any sacrifice but this for me, who have saved her +child; but her whole existence, her heart, and soul are rivetted to the +memory of her own passed happiness, and to the future happiness of her +child--and for me, to whom the present alone is of importance.... I +have carefully avoided the question as to where she lives, in what +town, under what circumstances in what neighbourhood. I will part from +her without knowing anything of this, lest I should be tempted to seek +her, and endeavour to make the impossible possible. + +"A few days more of the happiness of this singular position--in this +solitary wilderness among the mountains, far from all the littlenesses +and miseries of the world, and as if we were in heaven, where there is +neither giving in marriage, nor parting--then come what may; what must! + +"In truth it is a strange and cruel remedy which fate has employed, +making a deep incision in my heart, in order to convince me how little +I was ripe for death; how much strength and feeling there was still in +me, how much I could yet endure! + +"Enough of this for to-day. We live here totally deprived of all postal +communication. When, and where, I shall close this letter and forward +it, the Gods only know, if indeed they concern themselves with our +correspondence. + + "Farewell!" + +He laid down the pen and listened. From the sick room, the child's soft +prattle was heard and though free from the restless and rambling tone +of fever, yet it was an unusually late hour for the child to be awake. +He also heard the soft voice of the mother calming it by a few soothing +words. When Everhard entered the room the child was already fast +asleep. + +"She has just been dreaming of you;" turning towards him with one of +her charming smiles; "she told me, she dreamt that you had given her a +white lamb, with a red ribbon round its neck, which took food from her +hand. She had possessed it for some time when it suddenly occurred to +her that she had not thanked you for it; so she begged me to call you +that she might repair this neglect." + +"And why did you not call me?" asked the doctor. + +"I told her that her uncle Everhard would never listen to any thanks. +That Mamma too had received a gift from him for which she never, never +could thank him sufficiently. The best way to thank him, was to be a +good child and go to sleep again. You should have seen how earnestly +the dear child tried, after this, to go to sleep. You see she is asleep +already and her forehead is moist. You have more influence, over her +than any other person has." + +He thoughtfully contemplated the childish face. + +"I regret that I am not a princess," Lucille continued with a slight +blush; "for then I could offer you a place at my court, and beg you to +accompany me on my travels in the capacity of Court Physician. I cannot +imagine what we shall do without you--at every cold little Fanny +catches, we shall miss you sadly. And yet I am content with my station +in life. A princess would perhaps presume that she could repay you for +your devotion to her child by offering you an establishment. I cannot +regret the feeling that I can never repay you for all your generosity." +She stretched out her hand to him, which he pressed, strangely moved, +to his lips. + +"Madame Lucille," he said, without continuing the subject, "it is now +eleven o'clock; it is my turn to watch, and you are relieved." + +"No," she answered gaily, I am not quite so obedient as our little Fan, +or rather, sleep does not so readily obey my call. You must allow me to +remain awake for another hour, and if you are not tired, you shall read +aloud to me. I have seen a volume of Goethe's works in your hands. I +admire him above all other poets, and wish to get more fully acquainted +with him, for I must confess to my shame, that on looking through your +volume the other day, I remarked that most of its contents were unknown +to me. + +"As you please," he said, "but most of its contents will remain for +ever new to you, were you to hear them ever so often. At least that is +my experience of them." + +He fetched the book, the first volume of the poems, and without +selecting any particular poem began at the first page. He lowered his +voice but read without any studied art of delivery. Never had he so +keenly and clearly felt the charm of the everlasting spring which +emanates from the blossoms of the poet's youthful ardour. + +He dared not look at her whilst he read fearing to meet the mute +enquiry in the eyes of the young woman; but when he came to "the +hunter's evening song," he with difficulty faltered out the words, + + 'Gaze at the moon, + Or think of thee, + I fancy 'tis the same. + All in a holy light, I see, + And know not how it came!' + +Suddenly he stopped, let the book glide on to the bed of the child, and +rose hastily. + +"What has happened?" she asked, startled. "Go and rest," he replied +with averted face. "Wake the nurse; she can take my watch for this +night. The atmosphere here oppresses me, I must breathe the fresh air, +I already feel better, since I have risen. I will go and take a row on +the lake." + +So saying he disappeared, leaving her with all her feelings in a state +of tumultuous disturbance at the enigma she dared not solve. + + + * * * * * + + +The next day at their early meeting, they succeeded in assuming the gay +and unconstrained tone which had hitherto existed between them. The +child assisted them in their efforts. The night had been quiet and +refreshing, and a bath which had been prepared for her, under +Everhard's superintendence; in an old washing tub of the landlady's had +greatly revived her, and had sent her off into another long sleep. +Towards evening the doctor brought home from his walk different kinds +of ferns, gentians, and also gaily coloured pebbles which he had found +near the rocks. He sat down by Fanny's bed-side, and told her all about +the birds, and other small animals which he had met in his wanderings +over the heights. He was pleased at the intelligent questions the child +put to him, as she sat up in bed and admired with wide opened eyes the +treasures he had laid on her coverlet. The mother sat beside them +working at a piece of embroidery. From the kitchen without was heard +the crackling of the fire on the hearth, over which the child's soup +was being prepared. Everhard did not relinquish his night watch this +time, but no more was said of reading aloud. Neither was there any +mention made of it during the following nights, and indeed no occasion +for it presented itself. The night watching had now become almost +unnecessary, so the doctor could, without further apprehension, remain +a good deal in his room. Even in the day-time, now that the child was +allowed to be up for several hours, he seldom appeared. But often under +pretext of fishing he would row over to the islet from whence he did +not return till late in the evening, or he would roam through the pine +woods and the ravine, and climb up to the ice cavern. + +The farm-servant who hearing that the lady wished for the last +strawberries of the season had climbed up there, to look for some, +reported on his return that he had met the doctor seated on a rock, and +looking like a man in a dream. He had bidden him good day, and the +doctor had started up, and with a silent nod of recognition, had +disappeared in the wood. He was evidently touched in the head, the +farm-servant continued; I always said so from the moment I saw him +sitting quite crazed like in the tap-room, and refusing all +refreshment. + +This continued during several days. In proportion to the progress of +the child's recovery did the doctor's melancholy, from which the sudden +call of duty had roused him, appear to increase. Those days were full +of gloom; he felt how necessary it was to abridge them. One forenoon he +started without waiting for dinner, not caring to meet the sad +inquiring look in Lucille's eyes. He climbed up the steep ravine with +the firm resolve to arrive at a final decision. In spite of the fierce +noon-day heat, he pursued a road which he had recently discovered, and +which led towards the south across the rocky ridge of the mountains. He +knew that if he continued his walk he would reach before night fall a +Romanic[1] village which was separated from the dead lake by nearly +impassable tracts of ice and snow. Once there, and he had achieved all +that now seemed impossible to him, all leave taking was spared him and +he was as one dead to those to whom he had now become useless. + +This seemed to him the best plan, and he relied on his strength of will +to carry it out. But when the last glimpse of the lake had disappeared +and he found himself surrounded only by the sterile wilderness of +rocks, he felt so wretched that he could not proceed, but flung himself +on the ground, in the shade of a projecting rock, and buried his face +amidst the moss and heather. He eagerly sought for all the reasons +which should prevent his departure, and make his return necessary, his +papers, his diary which he had left in his room; the anxiety his sudden +disappearance would cause Lucille. Then he reflected that he was in +duty bound to provide for their departure, and for their safe journey +to the next town. He made a solemn vow that all should be done that +very day. He would send down the farm-servant to order a carnage as +soon as he had returned to the inn. In twenty-four hours everything +would be accomplished, and the separation irrevocable. After that he +did not care what happened. + +When he had firmly settled this in his mind, he felt relieved, and +hastily arose to reach the inn without further delay. He resolved to be +cheerful and to enjoy the few hours that remained to him of her society +as if they were to last for ever. He regretted having embittered many a +day by the thought of the approaching end. He plucked a bunch of +scentless Alpine flowers and ferns--it should be his farewell token to +little Fanny. So thinking he rapidly descended the steep mountain, and +reached the last firs in the ravine when the greatest heat of the day +was over. Below him lay the lake. Not the slightest breeze ruffled its +calm surface which clearly reflected the small meadow on the opposite +shore; the firs on the steep slope above it, and beyond these, the bare +grey rocks and crags. Then he looked towards the fisherman's house. His +quick eye discerned every shingle on its stone laden roof--in the yard, +the old hen followed by her yellow brood, and the linen hung out on +ropes to dry. Those who lived beneath that lowly roof were nowhere to +be seen. Generally at this time of the day, everyone dozed over some +slight work, so Everhard was much surprised when he saw the door of the +house open, and a perfect stranger step out into the bright sunshine. +He was a tall young man dressed in a light summer costume. His face was +partly shaded by a broad brimmed straw-hat, and only a fair moustache +of a military cut was visible underneath it. + +The newcomer stood still for a few minutes, looked around him as if to +examine the weather, and then eagerly talked through the open door to +some one who had not yet appeared. A few minutes later Lucille joined +him, without a hat, only holding a large parasol to protect her +delicate complexion from the sun. She accompanied the stranger to the +shed on the lake, and a moment after Everhard saw them both issue from +it, in one of the boats, and take the direction across the smooth lake +towards the islet. The stranger wielded the oars so dextrously that +they soon reached their destination. Then leaping on shore he assisted +Lucille to get out. They walked along the shore wending their way +between the birches and the high bulrushes, apparently with the +intention of making the circuit of the small island. Everhard's heart +throbbed so wildly that he had to lean against the stem of a fir-tree +till the first giddiness had passed. + +Who was the new comer who seemed so intimate with her, that she +followed him on his boating excursions, and thus granted him what she +had ever refused to Everhard her friend and helper? Who was this +stranger that she leant on his arm, and while walking by his side, and +gaily conversing with him seemed even to forget her child, and +abandoned it to the care of the nurse? Well whoever it was, he had +arrived just in time to wake them all out of the dream into which the +solitary stillness of the place had lulled them. + +Doubtless the sight of this old acquaintance brought back to Lucille's +remembrance all that she had forgotten at the bed-side of her child; +her intercourse with the outer world; her friends, and admirers, +recollections to which Everhard would ever remain a stranger, and which +summoned her back to a life in which he could have no share. So much +the better! It could but facilitate the execution of his resolves, and +confirm the urgency of a separation. + +He felt it was impossible to share her presence with a third. He strode +down the precipitous path, and reached the house greatly exhausted, and +his knees knocking under him. He remarked a travelling carriage which +stood beside the shed, and in the stables in which a cow was kept +during the winter, two horses were tied to the manger. Without heeding +the landlady who was dying to tell him the news, he walked straight +into the room where the child sat at the table playing with a new doll. + +"Uncle Max is here," she cried out to him, her face beaming with joy. +"He has brought me a doll that can move its eyes; then he dined with +Mamma, and now they are both on the island. They will soon return +however, as Uncle Max means to take us away in his large travelling +carriage, but Mamma said that she would not move a step without your +special consent." + +"Fanny," he said, and took the child's curly head between his hands, +"you won't forget me, though I cannot offer you a beautiful doll, but +only a simple bunch of flowers?" + +The child looked up surprised; "Mamma said that after the good God, I +should love you best, because you have saved my life. I love you better +than all other people; but Mamma I love best of all." + +He stooped over the fair face, and kissed the child's truthful loving +eyes, and her pale lips. + +"You are right, little Fan," said he, speaking with difficulty, "she +deserves your love. Here is my bouquet, and give her my compliments." +He turned towards the door. + +"What are you going away! the child called after him; won't you come, +and tell me some nice story." + +"Another time," was all he could say. The nurse who just then came in, +tried to detain him, and wondered at his disturbed appearance, but he +passed her by, and hastening to his own room locked the door behind +him. + +Once more alone, he was so overcome by the agony of his feelings that +he dropped into a chair and his strong frame shook with convulsive +though tearless sobs. But he promptly recovered himself, pressed his +hand to his heart as if to still its throbbings and proceeded to stuff +his few possessions into his travelling bag. Only his portfolio he kept +back; then he sat down at the table, and mechanically took out the +letter to his friend as if to add another postscript, but he vainly +sought for words and he finally laid it down, took up another sheet and +began to write a short account of the child's illness, with the +intention of leaving it to Lucille in case she should find another +consultation necessary. + +He found a certain satisfaction in clearly wording his statement, and +in perceiving how steadily his hand wielded the pen. "At least I have +not yet lost my senses," he said aloud. + +He had just finished this writing when a man's quick step was heard +approaching his room, and then came a knock at the door. He rose with +an angry feeling. He could not deny his presence, and yet this meeting +was intensely distasteful to him. He unlocked the door with a +countenance which was anything but inviting. The moustachied stranger +however entered with the most amiable air. Apparently he did not expect +a very gracious reception, but seemed fully determined not to let +himself be put out by anything. + +"My dear doctor," he exclaimed in an engaging manner, and with a +friendly shake of the hand. "Pray excuse my intruding on you; Lucille +has told me that you refuse to listen to any thanks, but I am not to be +daunted; I am a soldier and would think it dishonourable to be afraid +of anything; even of the glum face of a benefactor; and so I boldly +express my thanks, at the risk of being challenged by you afterwards, +and tell you that I shall always feel indebted to you, and that you can +command my services at any time as you would those of your oldest +friend.--You have worked wonders, you best of doctors! Not only with +the little one, whose welfare I have at heart as though it were my own +child, but above all with the mother--I can assure you that I hardly +recognized her. From the time when her husband my dear brother was +buried with his comrades in one common grave on the field of battle, +her widowed grief, up to a few weeks ago, had always remained the same. +All the efforts of her friends to restore her to her former +cheerfulness were vain. Seven years! In truth, I should say that the +most legitimate grief might be overcome in that time. Between +ourselves, be it said, though I sincerely loved my brother, yet I have +found these seven years unconscionably long. Lucille was my lady love +as well as my brother's, but then I was only a good for nothing +lieutenant, and so I had to yield the precedence to my brother Victor. +Now it seems to me that I have every right to assert my claim +considering that it is of such long standing. Don't you think so, +doctor? But in spite of my perseverance through all these years, not +the slightest ray of hope was ever granted to me. I wished to accompany +her on this visit to the grave; but no, my request was mercilessly +refused. Wait till she has returned, I said to myself; who knows but +this visit may be the last stage of her conjugal grief. So I waited for +her return, or at least for a letter, but when three weeks had passed +without any tidings of her, fearing that some misfortune had happened, +I took leave of absence from my regiment, and traced her steps till I +found her here at the Dead Lake; not the cold and reserved Lucille of +old, but a totally changed being. The gratitude she feels for the +preservation of her child, seems to have reconciled her to life, and +consequently it will be to you alone that I shall owe my thanks, should +I one day be allowed to give her a far dearer name than that of sister. +She owns that it is you who have broken the ice, and talks of you with +so much enthusiasm that if I did not know that it overflowed from the +abundant thankfulness of her maternal heart, I should feel jealous of +you." + +A short silence followed this artless avowal, during which the young +officer paced the room; then walked to the casement, and rapped his +fingers against the low ceiling. + +"Well," he exclaimed, with his good-humoured laugh, "you doctors are +certainly not more fastidious than we soldiers! How did you manage to +hold out in this dismal hole? We will now try to make you as +comfortable as possible, for of course you are coming with us. Lucille +would never reconcile herself to the thought of losing her court +physician." + +"I much regret," answered Everhard in a calm voice, "that Madam Lucille +is mistaken in this case. The child can travel without the least +danger; it is even necessary that she should leave this place, where +the food is not adapted to her delicate state of health. I had +determined to order a travelling carriage for tomorrow, when I +perceived your carriage. I could not place the ladies under better +protection than yours, so you must pardon me if I leave you to-day." + +"Impossible!" cried the young officer in a tone of the most sincere +dismay. "What a desperate clamour the women would set up at your +leaving us so suddenly. Lucille, little Fan, even the nurse would cling +to your coat tails; I should have to arrest you by barring the way with +my sword." + +"Possibly they may augment the difficulties of this inevitable and +necessary step," remarked the doctor with a grave face, "so the best +plan will be, not to mention my resolve and at nightfall I can easily +depart without any leave taking. Here is a report of the child's +illness, take the paper with you, but I trust it will not be required. +If you go only short day's journies, the drive at this season will +probably be beneficial to the health of the little patient. And so +permit me to bid you good-bye. I beg you to present my compliments to +your sister-in-law." + +"Doctor, this cannot be your final decision; I hope you will yet change +your mind; meanwhile I will take this statement and leave you, for I +fear I have disturbed you whilst writing. Au revoir." + +"Do not betray me." Everhard called after him. The young officer put +his finger to his lips, and hastened through the tap-room whistling a +merry tune. + +Everhard had hardly been alone for ten minutes pacing his room like a +prisoner who is meditating how he can escape from his bare and narrow +cell, when he suddenly heard the outer door again open, and a step, +which sent the blood to his heart, approach his room. + +"Is my cup of bitterness not yet full," he murmured to himself. + +The door opened and Lucille stood before him with an expression in her +eyes which utterly disconcerted him and forced him to cast his down. + +"Pardon me my friend," she said in an agitated voice, "if once more I +intrude on your solitude, though you so evidently avoid me. You even +intend to leave us without a word of farewell. My brother-in-law did +not admit this; but I was aware of it from his manner when he left your +room, and as I have long suspected this to be your intention, I was not +much astonished, though greatly grieved. I owe you so much that it +would be useless again to repeat my thanks before we part; but it is +not generous in you to deprive me of all opportunity of rendering you +any service, or of showing you the deep interest I feel in you. I am +persuaded that my friendship is not incapable of giving you relief if +you would but return the confidence with which I have always treated +you from the first hour we met. A secret grief consumes you. What would +I not give to be able to aid you in bearing the load which oppresses +you! Now could I leave you, perhaps never to meet you again, and have +to reproach myself with the thought, that although knowing, that you, +dearest and most devoted of friends, were suffering deeply, I yet +allowed a miserable fear of appearing curious and importunate to deter +me from making any attempt to assuage those sufferings or to learn +their cause!" + +"No," she continued with heightened colour, "I know that you are not +selfish enough to burden me with this unbearable grief and remorse, +only because it humbles your pride to acknowledge your sufferings to a +woman." + +He did not once interrupt her, but stood with his eyes fixed on the +ground. When she had ceased speaking, he made an effort to answer her +but he did not look up. "Thank you," he said, "I know that your +questions proceed from the kindness and benevolence of your heart; and +be assured that if the weight which oppresses me could be lightened by +human means, I would apply to you for help--I was enabled to come to +your aid, why therefore should I not accept succour from you? But there +are certain circumstances in life which cannot be altered, and in such +cases, I think it is foolish weakness, and even culpable to give vent +to useless complaints, and to importune one's friends with them. Let us +part. When the health of your child is completely restored to its +former bloom, the sad impressions connected with the remembrance of the +Dead Lake will vanish from your mind, and with them the image of a man +who"--.... + +Feeling that emotion was overpowering him, he suddenly stopped, and +walked to the window to regain his composure. When after a moment he +again turned towards Lucille, he saw her leaning against the door post, +pale as death and with the same pained expression on her countenance +that he had noticed the first day of her arrival. + +"Good heavens, what ails you?" exclaimed he; "Know then, if you cannot +bear the feeling of being indebted to me, that we are quits. If I have +succeeded in saving the life of your child, you have fully acquitted +this debt by preserving my own life." + +She looked up with surprise. + +"Yes," he continued; "on that very table, on the night I first met you, +I wrote a farewell letter to life. The letter still lies there, so you +see that I have changed my resolution. I do not say that I feel +grateful to you for it. Possibly non existence has its dark side too, +but it cannot be worse than remaining between life and death neither +suited to the one, nor prepared for the other--enough of this! Is it +your fault if the life which you saved was not worth the trouble? Do +not let us prolong so painful a meeting. Our paths now diverge--You +return to your home, I go where fate leads me. I am driven on by my +destiny like a stone which a boy rolls before him. I thank you for the +happy days I have spent in this wilderness; they have been the first, +for a long time, in which I felt that I lived. It is a pity that they +must pass away like every thing else in this perishable world." + +"And why must they pass, away?" she asked looking up with anxious and +imploring eyes. "Why will you not accompany us?" + +"Why? because"--he suddenly stopped. His eyes whilst wandering round +the room had fastened on the letter to his friend which lay on the +table, beside the travelling bag. A sudden thought flashed through his +mind. "You wish to test the value I set on your friendship, and that it +is not pride which prevents me from availing myself of your kindness; +well then take this letter, but promise not to read it before +to-morrow. Will you promise this?" + +She only bowed without looking at him. + +"This letter contains every explanation which I could not bring myself +to utter. When you have read it, you will understand that I can no +longer remain here, and that you ought not to detain me. And now give +me your hand once more. Let me also thank you again for the happiness +of knowing you! He pressed her hand to his lips with much emotion. +Embrace your child to-morrow when you have read the letter, and +then--but I need not ask you for this; then in spite of all, think +kindly of me. I know that you will do so, have you not the heart and +soul of an angel!" + +He hastened from the room and passed through the empty passage. He +heard Fanny's voice in the sitting-room. She talked with the nurse and +mentioned his name. This accelerated his steps. He had just presence of +mind enough left him to throw a handful of money to the landlady, and +to bid her good-bye, then he followed the cart track which led into the +valley, and hastily turned round the first corner without looking back. +After he had walked for a quarter of an hour unconscious of all around +him, only blindly driven on by the dim feeling that if he once looked +back his strength would fail him; it suddenly occurred to him that he +was walking northward in the direction of Germany, instead of turning +towards the lakes of Lombardy as he had at first intended. "What does +it matter," he said to himself; "what is home to me, am I not +everywhere a stranger?" He descended to the bed of the mountain stream +which flowed by the roadside. There he rested for a while, bathed his +feverish brow with the cold water, and listened to its gurggle as it +flowed over the pebbly bed. The sound reminded him of Fanny's clear +voice when she laughed for the first time after her illness. This +recollection so overpowered him that the tears streamed from his eyes, +and he let his grief take its course without trying to check it. + +A cart which passed him in its slow progress up the hill, roused him +from his painful thoughts. It occurred to him, that the carter would +stop at the inn and there probably see Lucille and her child. That +happiness would never be his again! However he remained firm to his +resolve, and wandered on till he felt, in his trembling knees and +exhausted frame, how deeply the last few hours had affected him. + +He had now reached a more expanded part of the valley; he sat down +beside a small shed which had formerly served as shelter to the workmen +of a quarry. His head sank on his chest, and he was soon absorbed in +gloomy thoughts and reveries. + +An hour passed and found him still sitting there half stupified; +neither feeling pain nor wishing for any thing. He only heard the +rushing of the water and stared vacantly at the stones and mosses at +his feet. Suddenly he started up, the tread of horses was heard, and +the grating sound of the heavy drag as a carriage proceeded slowly down +the hill. A secret presentiment thrilled through him, he looked up with +a feeling of terror, and to his dismay recognized the carriage of the +young officer. + +On the box beside the coachman was seated the nurse, her fat +good-humoured face shaded by a large straw hat and a blue veil, though +the sun had now sunk low, and only a few slanting rays reached the deep +glen. His first thought was to spring up, and fly before them. But even +if he could have got in advance of them here on this steep road, once +in the plain they would speedily overtake him; so he had no chance of +escaping. He stealthily rose and approached the door of the hut. "They +have not yet seen me," he murmured; "they will drive past, and then +this last pain will have been overcome; but why could they not have +spared me this?" + +He entered the shed half ashamed of slinking away, and hiding like an +outlaw. + +Through all those days of inward strife he had never felt so thoroughly +wretched and unhappy as he did at that moment. Now when his last +strength was exhausted, he had to witness the triumphant progress of +one to whom he bitterly grudged the prize that was denied him. + +Cautiously he pressed against the wooden partition of the hut he could +not refrain from looking through the small aperture which stood in lieu +of a window, and once more gaze on those dear faces. + +They were now so close to him that he could examine the inside of the +carriage. On the further side lay the child asleep, wrapped up in +blankets, and cloaks. Lucille sat beside her, and held her hand, but +her eyes searchingly scanned the road. Where was her young protector? +"He will follow on foot," thought Everhard. "Thank heaven they have +passed; now all is over!" + +Suddenly the carriage stopped. The coachman jumped off his seat, and +opened the door. Lucille hastily descended and walked towards the hut. +A few moments later and she stood with a bright flush on her cheek +before the bewildered young man. + +"You see that all your resistance is vain my dear friend," she said in +a trembling voice. "You wished to escape, but we follow you; we +discover your hiding-place, and now hold you fast in spite of your +resistance. We cannot do without you, you must...." + +"For heaven's sake," he cried, greatly agitated, "what has happened. +Has the child had another attack?" + +"Our child sleeps," said the charming woman, and her voice sank low; +"but still we want you my dear friend. This time ... this time, it is +the mother who entrusts her life to you." + +"Lucille!" he exclaimed, well-nigh distracted, and seizing the +hand which she offered him, drew her into the hut. "Can I?--may I +hope?--Will you indeed ..." + +"I must ask you to pardon me," she replied blushing still more deeply: +"I could not wait till to-morrow, but read your letter the moment you +were gone. Then, I may as well confess all,--I had to sustain a severe +conflict within me, but I soon felt that I never could again arrive at +a clear understanding of my own heart, if I let you depart. You have +broken your vow, and have resolved to bear life for my sake, I can only +return this by surrendering myself to you. He to whom I pledged my +faith, never had another wish during his life than to see me happy. I +am convinced that if I could now explain to him how all this has +happened, he would release me from my word. When I had clearly +perceived this, I could find no rest. I have confided everything to my +brother-in-law. He has remained behind with a heavy heart; but he told +me to shake hands with you in his name. 'If he can make you happy +Lucille,' these were his last words, 'I will try not to hate him.' Will +you make the trial my dear friend?" + +Unable to contain himself any longer he fell on his knees at her feet, +clung to her hands, and buried his face in the folds of her dress. He +could not utter a word except her name, which he stammered out +repeatedly in faltering accents. + +"How is this?" she whispered. "Overcome this emotion, and be a man. You +ought to be my support; I must look up to you. Have I not done so, +during all these days?" + +He rose slowly. "Pardon me darling," he said, pressing her to his +heart, and ratifying on her lips a mute vow. "My knees could no longer +support me. This day has brought me too much misery and bliss. Now I am +strong again, now my heart can once more sustain hope and happiness. +Let us walk to the carriage, I am impatient to embrace our child." + + + + + + DOOMED. + + + + + DOOMED. + + + Meran, 5th October 1860. + +A week has passed since my arrival and I have not written a line! I was +too much exhausted and agitated by the long journey. When I sat down to +write, gazing on the white blank pages, it seemed to me as if I were +looking into a camera obscura. All the scenes which had greeted me on +my journey appeared so clearly and vividly before me and chased each +other as in a feverish dream till my eyes filled with tears. + +More than once during the journey I had felt the tears ready to start, +but I was not alone, and I had no desire to be pitied, and questioned +by the strangers who occupied the carriage with me. + +Here it is different--I am alone and free. Already I have learnt by +experience that solitude only can bring freedom. Why am I, even now, +ashamed to weep? have I not a full right to do so? Is it not sad that +my first glimpse of the beauties of this world should also be my last? + +Truly it were better that I closed this book, and left the blank pages +as they are. With what can I fill them but with useless complaints. I +had imagined that it would be pleasant and consoling to write down +every thought that crossed my mind, every event in this my last winter. +I wished to bequeath this book to my dear brother, my little Ernest, +who is as yet too young to understand life and death; but some day or +other he would prize it, when, asking about his sister, he found no one +to answer him. Now, however, I see it was a foolish thought. How could +I wish to live in the memory of those dear to me, in the image of my +last illness. Better that he should forget me, than have impressed on +his mind these pale features which frighten even me when I look at them +in the mirror. + + + Evening.-- + --The atmosphere heavy and lowering.-- + +For several hours I have been sitting at the open casement. From thence +one can overlook the beautiful country of the Adige. And far beyond the +walls of the town and the wide-spreading[2] poplars which border the +stone-dike beside the rushing Passer, the view extends over the lower +pasture-lands, intersected with a hundred rivulets, where the cattle +feed, to the distant chain of mountains which bounds the horizon. The +air was so still that I could hear the voices of the promenaders on the +_Wassermauer_[3]--or was it a fancy of mine? + +The children of my landlord, a tailor, peeped in curiously through the +door till I at last gave them the remainder of the chocolate in my +travelling bag. How joyfully they ran down with it to their mother! +Soon I became more calm and cheerful. I found that I had been wrong in +dreading my own soliloquies. Why, even considering these leaves as a +legacy, should they only contain sorrow? Did I not leave home, where I +was tied down by a hundred fetters with the full determination for +once, to enjoy life and liberty? And shall I now bear witness against +myself that I am unworthy of that freedom? + +Certainly it will be but a brief enjoyment, but all the more firmly +will I grasp it and not embitter it by weakness and absorbing +self-pity. + +The landlady told me that this morning a burgher of Meran, who had +never suffered from illness in his life, had died suddenly in his +prime. They had all expected that he would attain to a good old age, +and, probably, he had thought so himself. Comparing my fate with his, +is not mine preferable? Probably, like the generality of men, he had +spent his days in toil and labour, looking forward to a time when +having earned a sufficiency, he would be able to rest, and enjoy the +remainder of his life. His end was unexpected, whilst I know mine. And +is not this difference all in my favour? Is not spring yet distant, and +should I so fully enjoy this reprieve, were its short duration +concealed from me? Oh, truly it is a blessing not to be overtaken, and +surprised by death; to watch his slow approach, and only then, face to +face with him, learn to live. I can never sufficiently express my +thanks to our doctor, my dear fatherly friend, for not keeping the +truth from me--thus has he fully redeemed the promise he gave to my +dying mother, always to stand by me as a friend. + +The night has now set in. I can hardly see what I write. In my whole +life, I have never felt so thoroughly at peace as here, in this +beautiful forecourt to the grave.--Father! that I could but waft one +breath of it to your depressed and sorrowful soul. Good night! Good +night, my little Ernest. Who has put you to bed to-night? Who shall now +tell you fairy tales to send you to sleep? + + + The 6th Afternoon. + +To-day as Frau Meisterin brought up my dinner, she eagerly tried to +persuade me to take a walk and not to sit so much at home. It was so +fine on the Wassermauer. So many people were to be seen there; she was +sure it would divert me. I could not make her understand that all I +wished was to collect my thoughts, and not to divert them; and that I +did not feel the slightest desire for the company of strangers. At +last, I convinced her by declaring that I was still so weak and so +tired with the journey that the two steep stairs were as yet too much +for me. Then she left me, and I continued to write. + +I have been obliged to put aside my embroidery; it now hurts my chest. +I had even to send away my landlord's little girls to whom I had +intended to give sewing-lessons. + +To-day a doubt weighs on my mind. It seized me suddenly for the first +time on waking this morning, and came upon me with great force and +persistence. I want to solve it now. Strange, that it should not have +struck me sooner. I was so fully convinced that I was doing right! I +knew that no one would miss me at home, that my father felt pained at +every unkind look my step-mother gave me, that I could no longer be of +use even to Ernest, since my step-mother had insisted, in spite of his +tender age, on sending him to school, only to avoid seeing him, and +having to take care of him. + +My father shed tears when he clasped me for the last time in his arms; +still my departure relieved him. He wished what is best for me, but +what can he do? + +This morning, however, the question suddenly occurred to me, whether I +had not left other duties; whether any human being, not utterly +disabled, has a right to sit down idly or go holiday making for a whole +winter. Only since I have felt happy; since the littlenesses of the +empty commonplace provincial life have ceased to oppress me, have I +begun to question myself as to what right I had to enjoyment, more than +all those thousands to whom death is not more distant, than it is to +me, and who are forced to strive and wrestle to their last breath, and +here am I closing a truce with the enemy, and celebrating a festival as +if I had been victorious.-- + + + 7th October. + +That question for which my poor head could find no answer, I have +solved to-day when I came home as shattered from my first walk as if I +had laboured for a day in chains. No, I am fit for nothing but rest, +and if it taste sweeter to me than to many, that cannot be a cause for +self-reproach. Am I not more easily contented than others? If I am of +no use, am I a burden to any one? Even if I did not avail myself of the +small inheritance left me by my mother, but kept it intact for my +brother Ernest, would it exempt him from the necessity of supporting +himself by his own exertions? Part of it will probably remain for him, +for as I experienced to-day, my strength is already scantier than I had +imagined. Who can tell how short my winter in the South may be? I shall +not frequent the walk under the poplars. To-day I felt uneasy among +those poor, coughing, dressed up people, who tottered about with their +baskets full of grapes, and seemed eagerly to imbibe new hope with each +berry. By those whose faces expressed hopelessness, I felt still less +attracted. It may sometimes be soothing to frequent the society of +fellow-sufferers; but when the same fate creates totally different +feelings, then that which could otherwise unite only separates, and one +feels all the more forcibly the difference of character. Not to one of +them, would I have ventured to speak of the peaceful and grateful mood +I enjoyed. They would either have looked upon me as an eccentric +enthusiast, or thought me a hypocrite. + +Can they be blamed for it? Possibly I too might have feared death had I +loved life more. And why was my life so little loveable? + +Only a few can understand the deep feeling of immensity, and peace with +which nature fills my soul. For two and twenty years I never set foot +beyond the walls of a small uninteresting commonplace town. In these +days people travel much. But for the long illness of my mother, and +after her death, the care of my little brother, I too would probably +have wandered forth from that desolate little place. This beautiful +valley already seems to me like the world to come, like a true Garden +of God. The first time I inhaled this air, I felt as if I already +glided over the earth, borne on the wings of my soul. It was certainly +a pity that they did not support me better as I toiled up the steep +narrow stairs, but what business had I to descend them, when every +glance through my windows is an excursion into Paradise. + +The people with whom I lodge are very poor. The man works till late at +night, and his wife has enough to do, attending to the wants of her +large family. The inside of the house looks dusky and gloomy. When the +porter of the hotel who from the simplicity of my dress inferred great +meagreness of purse, first took me through the long dark passages, and +the gloomy courts, and we scrambled up the delapidated staircase, over +the landing where dusty furniture, old spinning-wheels, beds, earthen +ware and provisions of maize lay in confused heaps, and the spiders, +undisturbed for many years, spun their webs, I felt oppressed and my +heart beat so that I had to rest at every third step. But the first +glance at my small low room reconciled me quickly to the thought +that this was to be my last earthly habitation. That old fashioned +writing-table with the brass mountings looks like the twin-brother of +the one which stood in my dear mother's room. That arm-chair is just as +high and heavy, and as brown with age, as the one she used. A few bad +prints on the wall, which disturbed me, I immediately took down, and +hung up the portraits of my parents instead. It now seems to me as if I +had been at home here for years. In one of the corners on a black +wooden console stands a crucifix which though I have not been brought +up to it, causes me deep reflection. I have received all my books. My +father sent them after me and now I want nothing more. At the same time +he wrote me just such a letter as I expected from him. That trait of +conforming oneself to what is unalterable without further struggle, I +have inherited from him. Six lines from Ernest to tell me that he is +very happy at school with his little comrades, and a greeting from my +stepmother; at least, the letter contains one, but probably my father +has added it without asking. Now I will write home. How much more +freely could I do so, if I knew that my letters reached my father's +hands only. + + + The 10th--Evening. + +What strange people one meets with! An hour ago I was sitting, quite +unsuspicious of any interruption, at my window reading, and enjoying +the mild evening breeze--the sun now sets at five o'clock behind the +Marlinger mountain, yet the air retains the mildness of a summer +evening, and the tips of the high mountains to the East, a ruddy glow, +for many hours longer--when there came a knock at the door, and a short +stout lady, quite unknown to me, entered coolly, and introduced herself +to me, expressing a most cordial desire to make my acquaintance. She +had seen me on the Wassermauer the only time I had walked there, and +had immediately taken a great interest in me, for I was evidently very +ill and very lonely, and she had resolved to speak to me the next time +we met, hoping to be of some use to me. + +"For you must know, my dear child, that I, as I stand before you, am +fifty-nine years old, and have not been ill for one day, except during +my confinements. My two sons, and three daughters are also, thank +heaven, perfectly healthy, and are all of them married and settled in +life. But you see I have always had a passion from my earliest youth +for helping those people who were not so well off as I am, for nursing +the sick, and for rendering the last offices to the dying. My late +husband used to call me the privileged life preserver; you cannot +imagine a better nurse than I am, for you see I am of a generation when +professional ones were as yet unknown. I can easily do without sleep, +and can even assist at any operation without the least show of +weakness. I have come here with a friend of mine who cannot last much +longer. When the poor thing is released from her sufferings, I shall +have more time at my disposal than now; she has always to entreat me to +leave her and take some exercise--and so my dear child if you want +support, advice, or help, apply to no one but me; you must solemnly +promise me this. Of course I will no longer allow you to spend your +days all alone. I will often come to see you. I never stand on ceremony +with my friends, and so you must take it kindly if I tyrannize over +you--it will be all for your good. I understand nervous complaints as +well as the best of doctors--amusements, air, excitement, are the +remedies I prescribe. _A propos_, which doctor have you consulted +here?" I answered that I had not applied to any, neither intended to do +so as I knew that my malady was incurable. She shook her head +incredulously, so I took from my portfolio a sheet of paper on which +our doctor had drawn a sort of representation, to shew how far the +disease in my lungs had spread. She examined it with experienced eyes. + +"My dear child," she at last said, "this is all nonsense, the doctors +are all the same, the more they talk, the less they know. I could lay +any wager that your interior has a totally different aspect from this." +I told her that she had every prospect of being able to ascertain this, +but that I declined the wager, as unfortunately I could not win it +whilst alive. She only partly listened to what I said, and she +continued in so loud a voice that it pierced to my very marrow, to give +me an account of different illnesses which tended to shew how little +doctors were to be relied on, accompanying it with so many details, +that it would have made me sick, if I had not had courage and presence +of mind enough to cry for mercy. At length she rose, and in taking +leave she made a movement as if to embrace me, and was evidently +surprised when I coldly and stiffly gave her my finger tips. She +rustled out of the room in great haste, and with many promises to +return soon. I had to sit for half an hour with closed eyes to calm my +nerves. A sharp odour of acetic ether which surrounded her and which +she strongly recommended to me as a powerful neurotic, is still +prevalent in the room, and those sharp peering eyes, and the determined +expression of philanthropy in her broad face still haunt me. Only the +thought, that for some days at least, I was safe from another invasion, +gave me some consolation. But my former _tête-à-tête_ with destiny; +that which gave a peculiar charm to this place are now lost to me, +unless I speak to her yet more intelligibly; and that, even in a case +of self-defence, would be most painful to me. + +And is this human sympathy! The few who love us pain us by it, because +we see that they suffer with us--and those who do not love us--can they +please us? "Only beggars know, what beggars feel" I once read in +Lessing. But can beggars give alms?-- + + + The next Morning. + +I have had a restless night. I am so little in the habit of speaking, +and being spoken to that the shrill voice of the charitable lady still +resounds in my ears. In my dreams I had a fierce quarrel with her, till +at last she took off her fair front and threw it in my face--I woke up +with a shudder and bathed in perspiration. What rude things I had said +to her, among others that I would bequeath to her my lungs, preserved +in spirits of wine. How exceedingly impolite we are in our dreams! + +I dressed myself hastily, but even now I am in terror of another +invasion--my humble little corner, where I had hoped to die +peacefully--this too has been disturbed. Even here I cannot find quiet! +I really must go out and try to find some safer hiding-place. + + + In the Afternoon. + +To-day I have met with great events and have boldly surmounted +them--first a high mountain then an adventure with a savage--finally I +have revelled in nature, and solitude to intoxication. And although I +am so tired that I have to summon all my energy every time. I raise my +hand to dip my pen in the ink, yet I have renewed my inward strength, +and have got over the effect of last night's encounter. Now I could +boldly confront a whole company of coffee drinking sisters with false +fronts. + +How beautiful is my burial place, how marvellous the light that streams +on it. I fancied that I had already remarked the magical effects of +this light, but find that only to-day the scales have really dropped +from my eyes. Seriously I believe that what we in the north call +_sunshine_ is only an imitation of it, a cheap mixture of light and +air, a sort of gilded bronze in comparison with the real solid +priceless gold which is lavished here. + +I moved slowly up the cool and gloomy Laubengasse[4] where a shiver +always seizes me and a peculiar oppression stops my breath. Then I +reached the small Platz with the fine old church. The Platz appeared +all black and red with the costumes of the peasants of the +neighbourhood, and of the valley of the Passer. Their trim holiday +dress consists of a short dark jacket with red facings, red waistcoats, +and broad brimmed hats. Most of the people are fine-looking and +stately, the men however, much handsomer than the women. Of the latter, +I have only remarked since I came, two pretty faces with regular +features. + +As it was a peasant's holiday, they stood about in dense groups and +none of them took the least notice of the suffering stranger who glided +past their clumsy elbows. Over the whole Platz hung a thick cloud of +acrid tobacco smoke, which gave me a fit of coughing, so I preferred to +go round the church rather than endeavour to push my way through the +uncivil crowd. + +In the buttresses of the church, old tomb stones were immured. On one +of them I read an inscription so full of meek resignation that I was +greatly touched by it. One, Ludovica, was buried underneath it in the +year 1836. I will write down the inscription, I learnt it by heart: + + "Separate they lived, and lonely, + Father, mother, and only child + Till death had them together bound. + In blessedness themselves they found, + For aye and ever now united. + So the early fading of the rose, + Is to be envied; it is repose." + +The quiet and fervent tone of these verses accompanied me for many +hours. I walked pensively along the narrow streets up to an old gateway +which leads through a weather-beaten tower, scarred with French +bullets, into the valley of the Passeier. The view which from thence +suddenly opened before me filled me with awe, by its strangeness, +beauty, and grandeur. I sat down for half an hour on a large stone +beside the gateway, from whence a steep path leads to the Küchelberg, +and up to an old tower, formerly a powder-magazine, which now +peacefully keeps watch over the vineyards like a pensioned veteran. + +Just before me on a rock which projects from the Küchelberg, I +perceived the ruins of Zenoburg, and considered whether my strength +would carry me thus far on the broad and uncared for road, or if I +should content myself with crossing the stone bridge from whence I +could see the cheerful village of Obermais. A woman approached me with +a basket of grapes and peaches on her head. I bought some fruit and +after eating it felt invigorated. So I set off, pausing at every step +to look down on the Passer whose water now dark blue, now flaked with +white foam, flowed through the arch of the bridge. How boldly yet +lightly the vines hang from the rugged rocks on the banks of the river; +among them grows the wild fig-tree covered with purple fruit. Running +water conducted in canals refreshes the leaves, and now and then turns +a wheel. Large chesnut-trees rise from the depths. Everywhere luxuriant +growth and rejoicing nature meets the eye. Mine rested with especial +pleasure on the varied colouring of the rocks; here of a warm brownish +tint, there of a silvery grey. How picturesque those peasants, in their +bright costumes look, coming down from the Küchelberg, and that cart or +rather two wheeled sledge, drawn by strong whitish grey oxen, and laden +with vine-leaves, descending the Zenoburg. And above all a sky the +colour of which, I had held till now, to be a fiction of poets, and +painters. While I so walked on and wondered, I said to myself this is +all mine this is my joy and no one can take it from me. Could it be +more mine if instead of, for one moment, I had looked on it for +centuries? Who can say if the best part of every pleasure does not +consist in its transientness; how otherwise could the happy ever grow +tired of their bliss.... + +I had probably walked on too fast while thinking of all this, so that +when I reached the top of the hill, I had to rest on a bench which +stood before a pretty house. My eyes closed in involuntary slumber. All +was still around me, only the Meran church bells which deafened me +below sounded softly up here and lulled me to sleep. How pleasantly we +dream in the mid-day sunshine, when the light penetrates our closed +eyelids, and blends in our fancy, with the marvellous colours and rays +which have nothing tangible or earthly in them. Sitting quite still for +some time, I probably went to sleep, but suddenly I started up as I +felt something cold and moist touch my hand; it was nothing worse than +the nose of a large dog, who standing beside his master, watched me +curiously. But the appearance of the latter was so horrible, that I +would willingly have believed it to be a dream, to be got rid of by +speaking and moving. It was a tall bearded man whose age I could not +define. His hair hung over his forehead, he wore a heavy and enormous +hat, covered by a wilderness of cock's feathers, fox tails, and strange +furs, casting a fierce shade over his eyes, which however as I remarked +afterwards, had a most innocent and harmless expression. Probably I +plainly showed my terror, for the mysterious apparition, which seemed +to have risen from one of the old tombs of the Zenoburg, laughed +good-naturedly, holding a very small pipe between his even white teeth, +he told me not to be frightened. He was only a Saltner, who watched the +vineyards, and as I had entered his district he requested a penny for +tobacco. In my consternation, I gave him half a florin in silver, and +hastily turned away, as I did not feel quite secure in the close +proximity of his bright spear. But the piece of silver which is scarce +here, or perhaps a holiday humour made the giant quite tame and +officious. He walked without ceremony by my side, and noticing that I +climbed with difficulty, he energetically supported my arm with his +great paw. I had to put a good face on the matter, and indeed; ended by +being thankful for his help, as I could hardly have managed to ascend +alone the last steep bit on which the ruins of the castle stand. It +struck me how reserved he was in his questions, and how communicative +about his own affairs. Comparing this charitable brother with the +uncharitable sister, who had visited me yesterday, how much more +elevated was the natural feeling of this peasant, than the obtrusive +refinement of the so-called higher classes.--On the top of the hill it +was indeed beautiful. With the exception of a small chapel and a +solitary tower which remain intact, the castle is in ruins; only a few +fragments of walls, thickly covered with ivy, are standing. Luxuriant +grass grows beneath them, tribes of lizards rustle over the sunny +stones. Tangled creepers of every description hang over the walls, and +far below, so that a falling stone would dash perpendicularly into the +water, the unruly Passer flows underneath the shelving rocks at the +foot of the hill. + +My armour bearer pointed out to me, on the opposite heights towards the +south, many old castles and small villages, where the vine cultivators +live, and told me the names of the different mountains, as I +comfortably sat on the grass with his dog lying beside me. + +At noon the church bells rang; he ceased talking took the three +cornered hat off his head and the pipe from his mouth, and crossing +himself devoutly, he prayed in silence. When the sounds had died away, +he put his hat on again, puffed at his pipe, and asked me if I were +hungry. + +I answered in the affirmative, but said I was still too much exhausted +to undertake my homeward journey. Without a word he descended the hill +with stalwart strides, and disappeared. + +Ten minutes later a little girl carrying a basin of milk, some bread +and a piece of the fete-day roast, hurried up the hill and looked about +for me, then silently and timidly placed the very welcome refreshment +before me. After many vain attempts, I at last coaxed the child to +speak to me. She told me that the Saltner had ordered it all for me in +the house below; he himself was busy in the vineyards, and would not +come again. The child then ran away and left me alone to feast in this +delightful solitude. Never had I eaten a more delicious meal. I was +quite ashamed of having consumed all, and having to carry back the +empty dishes. + +With difficulty I persuaded the good people to accept some money; +probably the Saltner had forbidden them to take any. In vain I looked +for him on my back. I do not even know his name. + +Is this not quite an adventure? and have I not reason to note this day. + + + October the 12th--Morning. + +This morning on waking, I thought how strange it is, that each +different class should envy the supposed freedom of the other, although +no true freedom can be found where the sense of this difference of +classes exists. Perhaps while I am casting a longing glance at the life +of these poor peasants who pass their days among vines, fields of +maize, and mulberry-trees, and who know as little of the hundred narrow +conventional considerations of propriety which rule the so-called +refined classes than the silk worm knows of the glittering misery which +may one day be covered by his web; to them the life of a town lady who +if she chose might spend her days in waltzing may seem a life of +supreme happiness and freedom. They are tied to their labour hour after +hour, and when they rest on Sundays they can as little free themselves +from the tedious customs which confine their enjoyments, as they can in +the heat of a summer-day, exchange the heavy woollen skirt with the +hundreds of plaits, for a lighter dress. + +The educated classes certainly have this advantage that they _can_ +emancipate themselves when they will, but still would such a one not be +blamed by his equals, just as peasant is blamed when he goes out +shooting in the harvest time? Altogether.... + + + 1 _o'clock_. + +No I will not bear this any longer, if I had to challenge the whole +world for it. The dying surely need not lie, need not submit to be +tormented, and smile complacently all the while. I am so revolted and +harassed--my nerves are so bruised, that I wish for a speaking trumpet +to be able to declare through it at the open window, my most solemn +renunciation of all society; unfortunately my tormentors are dining at +this moment, but this must happen sooner or later. + +I will have an iron bolt to my door of an hundred pounds weight, and an +iron mask for my face when I take a step out of my room. + +The landlady has just brought up my dinner; well it may get cold, I +have no appetite for it. My heart is beating fast with anger and +agitation. + +I am sick to death of all the talking that has been buzzing in my ears, +and could no more be stopped than the stream which turns that wheel +beside the bridge. That at least legitimates its noise by its useful +activity. + +Among all the good things I had to say of yesterday, I forgot to +mention the vain attempt of "the life-preserver" to see me. Now I +thought she will have at all events remarked that I do not wait for her +permission to breathe the fresh air and for the future will let the +light of her charity shine on more grateful beings. I little knew her. + +Whilst I was writing I heard her step coming up the stairs, and laying +aside my diary, I quickly took a letter which I had begun from my +portfolio, and intrenched myself behind it, determined to defend myself +to the last drop of ink. + +My poor forces were overthrown by her at the first assault. Letter +writing! tired! what nonsense; it was for my health I was here, and my +nerves required amusement and rest. No, as I had run up the Küchelberg +yesterday like an unreasonable child, she had come to-day to prevent +the repetition of such suicide and to show me what it was to take the +air in a healthful way. Oh, yes she had found me out, I was not pleased +to see her again so soon! but a young lady who lived by herself was on +no account to be neglected. I was only to submit to her authority, and +would certainly be grateful to her afterwards. + +I put on my hat silently and resignedly. I could not even feel angry at +her clumsy and good natured tone, though it made me suffer bodily pain. + +Chattering incessantly she dragged me towards the winter grounds, as +the most sheltered part of the Wassermauer is called, for there an old +cloister and its high garden-wall keep off all cold winds, evergreen +shrubs flourish and the rose-bushes are still covered with roses. This +place is always crowded, the band plays and the whole society of +strangers walk there or sit basking in the sunshine. My protectress +seemed purposely to have brought me here with the intention of +introducing me to this beau monde. I had to run the gauntlet of a +curious, but to me quite indifferent crowd of ladies and gentlemen. I +saw not one face that pleased me, heard not one word that reached my +heart. Then the heat under those arbours, the noise of the importunate +brass band, and the rebellion which was chafing within me against this +soft tyranny, nearly drove me distracted. + +Still more revolting to me than the dull unfeelingness of the healthy, +was the behaviour of many of my fellow sufferers. There sat a young +countess who as I heard had been parted from her husband, in order to +avoid all excitement, but she was not too ill to notice my simple +old-fashioned dress, which she scanned from head to foot, and then with +a crushing look, she wrapped herself up in her cashemere burnouss, as I +sat on the bench beside her. + +And that young girl who treated me as an old acquaintance in the first +five minutes, and told me all the scandal of Meran, though death was +written in her face, and her cough went to my heart. Are those figures +of wax, dressed up automatons, who exhibit all their old minauderies, +though when spring comes they will have to lie in their coffins. + +It seemed to me quite a deliverance when the dinner-bell of the hôtel +de la poste rang, and most of the company departed and my protectress +had to go to her sick friend. I hardly bid her good-bye. I could no +longer speak, or listen to a word, for I felt quite paralized; so she +has at last obtained her object and tried her cure on me, and the +result is, that both in mind and body I am more dead than alive. +Certainly that is a sort of recovery. + + + The 13th--Evening. + +I have at last succeeded, and cannot sufficiently express my joy at +this achievement. I reflected that it was only just, that if I wished +for freedom, I should purchase it by the exertion of some courage and +determination. Armed with a book, I calmly walked through the winter +grounds without recognizing any one, sat down in the midst of the whole +society and read for several hours without once looking up. + +Of course the life-preserver made her appearance and at once approached +my bench, but I coolly told her that talking hurt me; she looked +astonished, shrugged her shoulders, and left me to myself. + +I saw very well that she was offended. So much the better! If I find no +better occupation I will do this every day; I feel a certain +satisfaction in it. Whilst I sat surrounded by all those tiresome +people, I triumphed in my courage and the victory I had gained in not +having allowed myself to be daunted. Certainly the conflict had made my +heart beat faster, but even courage is not to be learnt in a day. And +then is it not doubly refreshing to read the grave and beautiful words +of our greatest poets, when from the different conversations around, +one picks up words which show what inferior spiritual nourishment +society puts up with. + +Possibly this may be a proud and over vain thought. But some pride +surely is pardonable in one so isolated. Is it not most presumptuous to +retire within oneself, and be contented with one's own society? Surely +he who prepares for death has a right to think of his soul above all +things, and how is this possible, in the midst of the thoughtless, +soulless noise, commonly called conversation? + +Already they show me plainly that I am not to their taste. To-day when +I appeared on the Wassermauer, with my book, all the benches were +occupied except one, on which sat only a pale and melancholy looking +young man, who is daily partly led, partly followed by a servant to a +sunny corner of the wintergarden and there sits covered up with costly +furs. Had the ladies, who were talking, and embroidering in the arbours +deigned to move, they certainly could have made room for my slight +person, whose crinoline never molested any one. + +I saw however that they had resolved to cause me embarrassment. Oh, how +sharp, unamiable, cold, and even inhuman our faces become, when we are +determined to show our dislike to some one of our fellow creatures! I +felt quite frightened at the stony features, dark looks, and drawn down +lips of the company. But soon I was ashamed of my cowardice, and of +having allowed it to be perceived. So I looked as if I saw no hostility +in their countenances and quietly sat down beside the young man, +leaving space enough between us, even for the wide robes of the +countess. I was deeply absorbed in my book, but though I never looked +up, I knew exactly what were the glances they cast at me, and could +have written down the benevolent remarks that were whispered beneath +those arbours. The sick young man hardly moved, only from time to time +he sighed--I pitied him; he appears to be one of the most suffering of +the invalids here, and to bear his illness with difficulty. He must be +rich for I saw a costly ring glittering on his finger. + +We sat side by side for several hours, and I was on the point of making +some observation to him about the book I was reading merely for the +sake of rousing him from the melancholy thoughts which seemed to +oppress him. Where would have been the harm? But now a days, care is +taken to make us feel ashamed of every natural impulse. So I remained +silent and read on. Suddenly he let a silver pencil-case fall from his +hands, as he was going to write down something in his pocketbook; he +made an effort to stoop, breathing with difficulty and I, without much +hesitation, anticipated him, and picked up the neat little pencil-case. +He thanked me with rather a surprised look: I myself blushed deeply, +and hearing a derisive titter from the ladies' bower, I lost my +composure for a few minutes. I thought with most tormenting +perspicacity of all that would be said of the crime committed by a +young lady in being of use to a young man. What would he think of me? I +had slightly glanced at him and remarked no smile on his melancholy +face. If after this proof of how little worldly knowledge I possess, he +thinks me very countrified, why should that annoy me? If I am contented +to be so, why should I be angry with him for perceiving it? He bowed +very politely, as half an hour later I rose to go. By this time I had +come to an understanding with myself, and felt so composed, that I +returned hi? salutation without the least embarrassment. Even the black +looks of my protectress, who had been immediately taken possession of, +by the other ladies, could not spoil my appetite for dinner. + +Here comes the soup unfortunately, it is of a lighter colour even than +the fair curls of the charitable lady. What a pity it is, that with the +dying, taste is not the first thing to depart. How I wish for one good +home cooked dish.-- + + + Evening. The first autumnal winds + carrying with it some poplar leaves. + +A letter from our dear old doctor, my best friend. He wants to hear how +I am getting on, how I feel, and how the climate agrees with me. He +reproaches himself for not having hidden the hopeless truth from me; at +the same time he praises my courage and firmness; he does not try to +change or put another construction on his former words; he knows it +would be useless. "Remember, dear Mary," he adds, "that miracles still +happen every day, and that all our science and knowledge only teach us +to marvel at everything or nothing. He is aware that my best comfort is +to know the truth, and to live in the truth as long as life is granted +me." + + + Several days later. I have lost the date. + Beautiful autumnal evening. + +Here was so much wind in the forenoon that I had to remain in-doors. I +was busy altering my dresses for my chest becomes more and more +delicate and they oppress me. In the afternoon the wind subsided, and I +walked out, down the broad street called Rennweg. Numbers of cows and +goats were driven through it--not a pleasant circumstance attending the +walks here. I tremble every time I see one of those clumsy horned heads +approach me though I know that they are not so stupid as they appear, +and have not such strong prejudices against a lonely female, as my wise +fellow-creatures. It is my bodily weakness which in case of need could +not find shelter behind a stout heart, which leaves me defenceless. So +I kept close to the houses, and arrived safely at the Western gate of +the town from whence the road leads on to the beautiful and sunny +Vintschgau. A path which passes at the foot of the Küchelberg and then +winds through the vineyards tempted me and I slowly walked in that +direction. It pleased me to see the heavy bunches of purple grapes +hanging from the trellis above me, the huge yellow pumpkins, the ripe +maize in short all the riches of a southern autumn. Now and then I met +peasants at work; tubs filled with grapes and carts laden with +vine-leaves passed me. It seemed strange to me that the work was done +so quietly, without music or singing, for I had always fancied the +vintage to be one of the most noisy and brilliant of festivals. The +people of the country are of a lazy pensive disposition and never sing +at their work. If one now and then hears a song it is owing to there +being many Italians here, who are easily recognized by their fiery and +lively gestures. + +A hundred paces distant from the gate, close under the mountain, lies a +solitary farm. My landlady had told me that there one could get milk +fresh from the cow. As I am not a good walker, I entered the little +garden and ordered some milk and bread. Only a few strangers occupied +the benches, but just beside the door underneath a large orange-tree, +sat the pale young man, whilst his servant further, off, was refreshing +himself with a glass of wine. He had not touched the glass of milk +which stood before him, and as I was going to pass, he rose, bowed, and +offered me a seat at his table, saying that it was the most sheltered +spot. It was the first time I had heard him speak several sentences +together without stopping. His deep sad voice was very pleasing. I +gladly accepted his offer and when he begged me to take his untouched +glass, as he was not thirsty, I could not refuse without giving +offence. Finally we began a conversation, though much broken by pauses, +during which he relapsed into his melancholy dreaming. Only once he +smiled slightly, but it made him look still more sad when his pale lips +parted over the bluish white teeth. We had been talking of the dull +monotony in the life of the patients here; of the tiresome sitting +about in the winter garden. I said it reminded me of the caterpillars +and cocoons which my little brother keeps in glass boxes. These also +crawled about indolent and depressed amongst their food, satisfying +their gaoler by feeding greedily, and eyeing each other curiously when +they accidentally met; then they proceeded to their winter sleep, if by +chance they did not find the air too oppressive for them, and died. He +laughed, and said: "your comparison is much too flattering; do you +think that our fellow-worms ever feel as light and free as _they_ +become, unless in a purer atmosphere than this terrestrial one?" "That +depends," replied I, "on whether, when they proceed safe and sound from +their cocoons, they find their glass cage open. Otherwise they may be +reserved for a still more cruel fate. Few enjoy the liberty of their +wings; they are generally caught again, and struggle on a pin till +their bright colours turn to dust." + +He remained silent, and I was half sorry for having led the +conversation to so strange a theme; to divert his thoughts, I spoke to +him of the stiff, foolish narrow minded views of my native town, where +in the style of the so-called good old times, every one embitters the +life of his neighbour in the most amicable and ceremonious way. I then +told him how free and released I felt since I knew I was doomed to die. +My fetters had been loosened like the fetters of those who are +sentenced to death. He listened with interest but looked incredulous. +When I had done speaking.... + + + The next day. + +Yesterday I could not have been interrupted in a more unwelcome manner. +My door suddenly opened and the life-preserver, the sister of charity, +the lady without nerves, rushed into the room with a particularly stern +and solemn countenance which boded no good. Without taking breath after +running up the stairs, she sat down, spread her skirts over my sofa, +and without any circumlocution began to lecture me. Possibly she may be +of use where bodily nursing is required, but for spiritual care she +certainly has no vocation. A more clumsy way of touching on delicate +subjects I have not yet met with, and I have certainly not been spoiled +in that respect. I was informed that I had been guilty of great sins, +and could only make atonement for them by deep contrition. The +unaccountable whims of a sick person might, perhaps, excuse the +highflown manner with which I had received the friendly advances of +many estimable ladies, and the way in which I had withdrawn from their +company. But I had dared too in the face of all society to make +advances to a young man, and yesterday had gone so far as to accept his +glass of milk, and his company on my way home. She had never heard of +such a thing. A girl without the least education but with a sense of +decency and a proper regard for her reputation would never have thought +of doing so. After these occurrences she would certainly never have set +foot over my threshold again, had not conscience, and her good nature +bidden her warn me. I was alone here, and had no one to look after me +if I went astray. That young man did not enjoy a good reputation; his +illness was the consequence of a dissipated and reckless life which he +had now to expiate by an early death. If so near to the grave, he was +still so unscrupulous as to compromise a young creature like myself, +then all persons who had any regard for morality must condemn his +outrageous conduct, and endeavour to save his victim. + +During this speech I remained petrified, and my heart beat so violently +that I could not utter a word; but when she stopped and cast a severe +look at me, the convicted sinner, I rallied all my remaining spirit and +answered that I thanked her for her solicitude, and did not at all +doubt her good intentions, but that I did not think I had committed any +impropriety--still less had gone astray--that I did not believe my +reputation to be in any danger. I knew what I could, or could not do, +and would be responsible for it. I did not see why the fact of having +one foot in the grave obliged one to give an account to the world of +every free but innocent action, particularly as even that would not +protect one against its malignant judgments. I had not come to Meran, I +continued, in order to ingratiate myself with a society entirely +strange to me, but to spend my last days in the manner most agreeable +to me, and most in accordance with my nature. You must allow me, my +dear Madam, I concluded, not to be led by considerations which, +perhaps, may be useful to others. When I had delivered this speech I +felt quite startled at my own boldness yet I was pleased with myself. +This I thought will at all events make an end of it; and so it was; at +least, I hope so, for my protectress rose with a dignified look which +sat oddly on, her round face adorned with the little ringlets and said: +"Good-bye, Mademoiselle, you are so independent that it would be +indiscreet in me to prolong my visit," and with these words she sailed +out of the room. So I had at last got rid of her, but not of her +sayings, nor of my thoughts. Oh, the sad cold littleness of the world! +Is there no spot on earth where a poor human being may be permitted to +die after its own fashion? Is one to go tightly laced even to one's +last breath? No, they shall not get the better of me; I do not love +them, then why should I not despise them; or at least not notice them +when they cross my path? Possibly I may have been thoughtless, but +thoughtfulness requires time, and I have not much to spare. Certainly +if I had to live with these people for an immeasurable time, it might +be prudent not to exasperate them, and to bow before them--prudent, but +annoying, and in my opinion, hardly worth the while. What harm could +they do to me; at the worst they would leave me alone, and could they +do me a greater favour? She said that he had caused his own sufferings. +Is he for that less worthy of compassion? Perhaps, the remorse he feels +is the cause of his melancholy, as the consciousness of my undeserved +fate is the cause of my gaiety. Each of us has lived a different life, +and has now to resign it. I have nothing to repent of, and nothing to +regret; he does both, and so each of us dies a different death. + +Why should it be a crime to exchange a few unconstrained words? Do not +people who have set out together on a long journey fraternize, and +become friends at the first station? Are they then to be blamed if they +exchange a few words before starting. + + + Monday, the 21st October. + +I spent my Sunday at home in writing, and reading the letters of +Mendelssohn's youth, which in my opinion show his character to much +greater advantage than his other writings. They convince me still more +that even a complete and free man of genius can work earnestly at his +own improvement. If I were a man, I should only care to be an artist. +This seems an extravagant idea; for those not endowed with talents +perceive only the outward freedom of the existence of a genius, and not +the anxieties and labours of his vocation. But in some of the +attributes of an artist's nature, in the power of desiring freedom, and +of maintaining it, in enthusiasm for noble deeds, and in admiration for +all that is beautiful, I should not be found wanting, and armed with +these weapons could pass a lifetime in waging war against petty +formalists and pedants. + +But of what use are all these to me, a girl, with death before me. +Well, at all events they will teach me to die calmly. + +Mendelssohn's letters have awakened in me a longing for music. I hope I +have not been extravagant in hiring a small piano. This morning it was +brought to me, and now stands In my room. I have not played for a long +time, and after reading Mendelssohn's letters felt quite ashamed of +stumbling through his songs without words. I must purchase some sonatas +and study them. I confess that at the first notes of music I burst into +tears. The last conversation has left in me a wound which bled afresh, +as the first sound of music reached my heart after so many weeks +privation. I let my tears flow freely, and played on till I grew calm +again. + + + "The 22nd." + +I have seen him again. I had avoided him these last days. Though I am +quite determined to go my own way; still they have succeeded in robbing +me of my first unconstraint. But to-day I met him at the bookseller's +shop, where I was looking out some music. He asked me if I had felt +unwell, as I had not appeared on the Wassermauer. I blushed and +replied, "no, but I had not felt inclined to walk there." Then we +talked about music which he greatly likes. "Once I was in possession of +a voice," he said, smiling; "but it has departed this life before me." +As we came out of the shop I at first wished to bid him adieu, and walk +home alone. Then I felt ashamed of my cowardice, and walked on with him +to the gate which leads on to the Wassermauer. The day was lovely, and +the promenaders walked about with their cloaks on their arms. Only a +few yellow leaves reminded one of October. As we followed the course of +the Passer and passed the benches occupied by the so-called good +society, I was pleased, and happy to feel so much at ease. I tried to +cheer him up and when I had succeeded in making him laugh I applauded +my own spirit which was not to be daunted. I said to myself, "Does it +please you my good people to put on disdainful looks, and to wrap +yourselves up in your own virtue, as much as it does me to see this +pale face, on which death has already cast its shadow, light up with +the serenity of an evening sky." We walked up and down for a whole hour, +and I did not feel in the least tired. This time I closely examined his +countenance. Whatever lies behind him, it can be nothing base or mean. +His features are neither regular nor can they be called expressive, but +when he speaks there is something refined and thoughtful about his face +which becomes him well. He cannot be more than twenty-six years old. +His manners are easy, and natural, and plainly show that he has mixed +in the best society. I, with my provincial style of dress, and little +knowledge of the world, must contrast strangely with him. + +I have looked over the book of strangers trying to find out his name; +_before_, I only knew where he lived; I have now discovered that he can +be none other than a Mr. Morrik _Particulier_ from Vienna. What an odd +position! probably it means independent. Then I am a _Particulière_ +with more right to be so than he has. He is dependent on many things; +on his fortune, on his melancholy thoughts--on his servant, who carries +his cloak and furs for him. + + + The 23rd. + +Last night I dreamt much, and very reflective dreams. In one of them, I +again met Halding, who for years has never troubled my thoughts. I +spoke to him as indifferently as ever, and asked after his wife and +children. I was glad to hear that they were very well. Then still in my +dream, I considered what would have been my lot, had I accepted his +hand. I should now be established in America, in a fine house, and have +riches and health, for I should not have passed through the sufferings +of the last years, in my father's house--I should not be thinking of +dying. I thought over all this, as I saw the red cheeked wife, who had +so soon consoled him after my refusal--I shuddered at the idea of such +happiness. This may appear foolish, full of pretension, and +ingratitude. What fault could I find in him except that I did not love +him. Many people found him most amiable, and I thought him even too +much so, for a man. As a woman he would have made the best, most +docile, and virtuous of wives, but just for that reason would, as a +husband have made me most wretched. More than once I have been given to +understand that my character was too determined and energetic for a +girl. Did not the long lecture of the life preserver tend to show me +how deficient I was in feminine timidity and reserve. If this be true +the fault lies with my destiny, which threw me early in life on my own +resources, and made me independent. One to whom the world and life +makes advances may well await its approach but one who must confront +its struggles, cannot do without reliance on God, and on himself. If I +required any proof that no unwomanly boldness, no desire of dominating +lies in my character, I would find it in my dislike to womanish men, +who must lean for support on a wife; and towards manly women who only +find their happiness in ruling. + + + The 26th. + +A few quiet and uniform days have passed. I felt very languid and +disinclined to everything and I remained at home, as the change from +the hot sunshine to the dark arcades always hurts me. I read, and +played a few sonatas, and felt that even solitude brings many heavy +hours with it. + +To-day I walked out and the first person I met was Mr. Morrik, as he +really is called--I heard an acquaintance address him by that name. We +sat for a long time together on a bench amidst the evergreen shrubs in +the winter garden for underneath the poplars the air is now getting too +sharp. Society seems to have reconciled itself to the unpardonable and +unheard of crime, committed by two candidates for death, in talking to +each other, and no longer disturbs us. So to-day we had a remarkable +conversation. It began, instead of ending, as such conversations when +they are earnest and agitated are apt to do, by the utterance of the +most hidden thoughts which are usually kept back, till, after having +turned over different questions, they suddenly break forth in the +ardour of the contest. It was not the first time that I experienced in +myself a habit of thinking aloud. To my own great astonishment I, this +time suddenly took heart, and poured forth my most hidden and unavowed +thoughts and feelings; so that when the words, I was uttering struck my +ear I felt quite frightened at my audacity in harbouring such strange +ideas, and still more in delivering them to a stranger. It sometimes +really appears to me as if I had two characters within me--the one +spirited, out spoken, and clever, and this one seldom shews itself--the +other, silly and girlishly shy, which sits by in fear and trembling +when the other speaks, and cannot muster courage to interrupt it. I +forget what gave rise to this conversation. I only remember that before +I knew what I was saying I found myself in the midst of an eager, and +passionate sermon. The subject I treated was "the fear of death," which +is so plainly written in many faces around us, and also in his pale +quiet features. I have now forgotten the greatest part of my lecture, +though as the words flowed from my tongue it pleased me much and seemed +to me impossible to be refuted. I only remember that the text of my +sermon were the words of Goethe: "For I was made man, and that means, +that I have striven"----etc. "Why then if we are all combatants," I +began, "Who sooner or later must perish beside their colours, why +should it be a disgrace to those only who bear arms by profession to +meet death with cowardice; why should it not also be considered +repugnant to the esprit de corps, and the honour of humanity in +general, to cling to life with groanings and lamentations when danger +approaches. Soldiers who slink away on the eve of a battle are brought +back dishonoured and disgraced, and are thought too despicable to be +allowed to fight in the ranks of the brave. Why should a dying man who +prays for a respite of days, and hours, and even minutes, not forfeit +our sympathy and obtain only a little pity for his weakness?" So it was +I spoke. I felt like an old trooper who exhorts his men before they +commence the assault on an entrenchment. I believe that at that moment, +if the whole of the society had gathered around me to listen, my ardour +would only have increased. In the midst of my harangue, I cast a look +over the beautiful landscape which lay bathed in sunshine and it seemed +to inquire of me whether it were so very contemptible not to close +ones' eyes readily on all we have learnt to love, when we do not know, +when and how they will open again or whether they will like the change. +But this mute interrogation did not disconcert me; I had an answer all +ready; so I continued: "What you have once enjoyed is yours for ever. +What has time to do with our immortal soul? and if the soul be +immortal, will not the best part of our life, our love, all that we +have striven, and yearned for be purified and increased, and remain +ours for ever. And how few really happy sensations do we owe to that +which we shall leave here below. How many delusions cling to our +dearest friendships, must cling to them for in the midst of our +enjoyment we feel restless, and dissatisfied! Then why not leave with a +serene countenance this dreary world, where the brightest light throws +the darkest shade?"--I could have talked on for ever, had not a +vehement fit of coughing cut short my power of speech. Then only did I +consider what effect all this might have on my silent and melancholy +companion and whether it would not have been better to wait till our +acquaintance had ripened somewhat, before I displayed my small +knowledge of life and death. That which was a specific for me, his +nature might not be strong enough to bear, and then what good would it +do him? Should I not appear to him as hard and obtrusive as the lady +without nerves had appeared to me. Had I the least right to force my +aid and advice on him? However the words had been said and could not be +recalled. He remained buried in thought for full ten minutes, and left +me time to reproach myself bitterly. Then he began in a grave and +affectionate tone to dispel my fears. He said that he agreed to every +word I had spoken, and that as he took a great interest in me, it +pleased him to see me meet my fate so well armed, and with so much +fortitude; but that human destinies were different. "It is unjust," he +continued, "to expect from the sick the same strength and courage, +which we justly demand in a troop of active and healthy men. Do you not +believe that in a soldier who camps in the snow and marches twelve +hours a day, the body and blood which he stakes when he hazards his +life, and limbs must be of a more vigorous nature than those of the +poor wounded man who from the hospital hears the report of the cannon +and shudders. And is he for that to be despised? But there is another +difference which a girl cannot well understand. A man who has any +knowledge of life must perceive that his destiny is not merely to enjoy +himself, but that he has a task to perform, duties to fulfil. Do not +you think that it must be painful to have to leave the world without +having even begun this task? You must not forget this difference +Mademoiselle: The soldier fulfils his duty in dying: every other man in +living except his death be a sacrifice or an example to others. How can +he who has hitherto only lived to neglect his duty die without feeling +his death to be a new fault, a new faithlessness. We have exchanged so +many confessions," he went on, "that it would be foolish to keep back, +one, which to be sure is wholly personal and may not interest you. To +judge from the opinions you have expressed you seem to think that my +gloomy and unhappy humour is the consequence of an unmanly despair at +the prospect of certain death. Perhaps you will be inclined to think +more favourably of me when I tell you that my illness has taught me to +look upon a life of vain amusements, caring and cared for by nobody, a +life of pure selfishness as unworthy of the exercise of great medical +skill, and of the benefit of this much lauded climate. The past would +not hinder me from dying calmly--it was an empty life nothing worse. It +is the future which I had hoped to conquer just when it was too late; +wisdom came but strength left me. It is that gnaws at my heart and +makes it impossible for me to leave life with the same cheerfulness +that you do. Believe me I was not worse than the best of my equals. I +spent my youth in idleness, gambling, travelling and such trifles and +fancied as long as my father lived that it was a life suitable to my +station, and this was also his opinion. I took great pleasure in the +intellectual amusements as they are called. I was present at the début +of every actor singer and musical composer. I collected fine pictures, +cultivated music and took a part in any amateur quartett, and that not +badly either. Suddenly my father died and his property, his fortune, +his political obligations, and connections were left without a head. +Nobody had dreamt of so sudden an end. Now it was my turn, now I had to +advance to the front and to take an oar, and just at that time +strength, and power to act were taken from me. How this happened and +how much or how little the fault lies with me is not to the purpose. +Let us suppose that this misfortune was not caused by any fault of +mine, but that it came upon me as the stone falls from the roof. Do you +not allow that my feelings on looking at the past may well be different +from yours? and so are the feelings with which I view the future." I +was on the point of answering, _what_, I hardly know, probably it was +to ask his pardon for my hasty condemnation, when I was prevented by an +old woman who offered roses for sale. He took a bunch and gave her a +florin in silver which she held in her hand, and looked at with +astonishment, as here one only meets with dirty torn paper money. He +made a sign to her, that it was all right and laid the bouquet on the +bench between us. A gentleman then approached, and spoke to him. He +rose without taking leave, but did not return to me. Soon after I +walked away leaving the bouquet on the bench. Now I regret it. What +crime have these poor roses committed that I should grudge them even a +short reprieve in a glass of water. + + + Evening. + +I went out again, and as I must confess, only to fetch the roses. It +seemed to me like a wrong towards living beings, to leave them to +wither on the bench. I found them untouched, and now they stand fresh +and flagrant outside my window. I had to place them there, for the +nights are now so cool, that I dare not leave the window open. I will +now read to quiet my agitated thoughts. The roses have brought back to +my mind the epitaph on the tombstone: + + So the early fading of the rose + Is to be envied: it is repose? + +This sign of interrogation has slipped from my pen and I cannot make up +my mind to strike it out. Truly, it is a question, whether a poor human +creature has a right to envy his fellow men for anything, even for +death. + + + The 29th + +To-day is my birthday; I formerly never took any notice of it, and did +not expect others to do so. This one however as it is my last one on +earth, I resolved to honour and solemnize as much as I could. Quite +early in the morning I summoned the little girls of my landlord and +gave each of them a dress I had made for them, a cake and a kiss. Then +I walked out though the day was chilly and without sunshine. + +On the stairs I met Mr. Morrik's servant, who came to ask if I were +unwell, as I had not appeared on the Wassermauer for several days. I +felt pleased that some one inquired for me. After the recent +conversation in the wintergarden I appeared to myself so unamiable, +that I did not think it possible that any one should care whether I +lived or died. + +I walked up and down for some time underneath the arcades, for the rain +swept through the narrow streets, and it was disagreeable to be out +there, as a piercing wind which they call here the Jaufenwind had +arisen, and though the Küchelberg kept it off in some degree still it +now and then blew in gusts round the corner. I felt so dull and +unemployed, so dreary, that by way of pastime, I bought some figs and +peaches and ate them. I soon felt, that in this cold weather, I had not +done wisely, but made bad worse by sitting down beside a woman who was +roasting chesnuts, and eating some of these to warm me, and thereby +only succeeded in nearly making myself ill. + +So this is my holiday! It serves me quite right; How can an unemployed +person think of holiday making. "Sour workdays, sweet holidays," that +is a different thing. More and more clearly I see that he was right, +and that I was not only wrong, but have wronged him. It is only the +heartless and selfish who would not feel regret at being called away +from this life without having done any good in it. He was very kind and +forbearing in trying to find a difference between his position and +mine. Have we not all of us duties? Did not my mother fulfil hers till +her last breath? And here am I happy in my unprofitable solitude, and +joyful as a child who has shirked school. + +Here are letters from my father, and little Ernest. Birthday +congratulations. I will read them out of doors. The Jaufenwind has +cleared the sky, and the sun shines so warmly that I can no longer +stand the heat of the stove, and have to open both windows. + + + In the Afternoon. + +This day has after all been celebrated; by a reconciliation which +consisted in a second dispute. As the unexpected sunshine brought every +living creature out into the wintergrounds, I walked on from the +Wassermauer towards the west, till I reached the spot where the Passer +flows into the Adige. There I saw at a distance Mr. Morrik sitting on +the trunk of a tree in the sunshine, with his servant at his side. He +observed me also, and rose to meet me. I was much embarrassed, for it +seemed as if I had come in search of him; however it was too late to +turn back; and why should I have done so? Was it not true that I was +pleased to see him, and wished to speak to him. I owed him the +satisfaction of telling him that he had converted me, and that all my +death defying wisdom appeared to me now like the delirium of fever. I +could hardly wait till an opportunity presented itself of confessing +this to him, and so I almost started when he anticipated me by calling +out: "How happy I am to see you! You will wonder at the miracle you +have performed on me. During your heartfelt speech I felt what a deep +impression it made on me; but like the rest of the world though I saw I +was wrong I did not like to acknowledge it, and so I supported my cause +as well as I could. We have not met since then, and in the meanwhile I +had time to recall it to my thoughts, and after a few hours +consideration, I felt I was completely changed and could have sworn +never to desert the colours you carried so valiantly before me." + +"What will you say," I replied despondingly, "when you hear that I +myself have turned traitor?" "Impossible," he exclaimed, laughing--and +it was the first time I had seen him, not only smile, but laugh +heartily--"and so even you are affected by human weaknesses; but beware +of me, for I will bring back the deserter, willing or unwilling; not to +pass sentence on him, but to entrust to him again the standard under +which I will conquer or die." + +There now arose an absurd contest between us, each defending the very +point he had vehemently disputed a few days ago, and trying to +depreciate his former opinion as much as possible. "You must confess," +he at last exclaimed, "that in whichever way the wisdom of a Daniel +might theoretically settle our dispute, my opinion, I mean your former +one, is by far the most advantageous. Since my conversion to it, I feel +reconciled to Providence, to the world, and even to myself, as--yes, as +you were before you were led astray by me. Now, although my position, +my sufferings and the few pleasures left to me are the same, they +appear to me tinged with fresh and glowing hues, instead of the dull +grey which shrouded them before. I look on the past as I did then; but +can I win back what I have lost by losing also that which remains to +me? You were so right in saying: in every minute, we can live a whole +life. How many minutes, nay days, weeks, perhaps months still lie +before me, and shall I not employ them? That which I had intended to do +is not of such great importance after all. Humanity will not be much +affected by its failure; but even had it been of the utmost importance, +nothing can now be altered. I cannot go back. I can only advance and +should there be some task for me to perform in the next world, I shall +be better prepared for it by courage and confidence than by the useless +despair of which I now feel heartily ashamed, before you, and should be +still more so if you had not left your position, high above the rest of +mankind, and had shown no human weakness." + +I can only write down dryly all that I remember of what he said; but +when he himself utters his thoughts there is so much cleverness, +originality and wit in them that they refresh the mind, like the +inhaling of vivifying salt, and never leave a bitter taste behind. + +It was a delightful hour. Had we been two men, or two women, we would +have shaken hands at parting and have fraternized on the spot. We have +now agreed to meet daily on the Wassermauer; we still think differently +on several points and have not much time to decide them. + +The letters from home have also pleased me. Ernest is quite impatient +at not seeing me for so long. The poor little fellow does not know how +long it will be before we meet. Meanwhile it has grown dark. I will +have some music and so close the day harmoniously. + + + The 3rd November. + +Pleasant days are rare guests in this world. Since I last wrote we have +only met twice. The day before yesterday the weather was damp and +foggy. I walked in the wintergarden, but he was nowhere to be seen. I +only perceived the malicious inquisitive face of the young lady who +always takes a seat close to Mr. Morrik and me, hoping to hear some of +our conversation. The life preserver also arrived, and looked at me +severely from head to foot, as I passed before and I heard her say to a +lady who sat beside her, intending it for me: "That poor young man; how +he has to suffer for talking so much." I shuddered and was very nearly +going up to the uncharitable sister, in spite of what had passed +between us, to ask her for news of him. Fortunately he sent his servant +in the afternoon, to tell me that he was confined to his room by the +cold weather--it had snowed during the night--and that I ought to take +great care of myself as the transition from autumn to winter was very +dangerous. In spite of this I went out both yesterday and to-day with +the hope of seeing him, but in vain. When two people are isolated among +the rest, how soon they grow accustomed to each other's society! He has +no acquaintances here except the doctor, whom he greatly likes. I +sometimes feel inclined to consult this doctor--not to hear anything +about myself, I know enough of that; but to hear if he really is doomed +or only fancies himself so. + + + The 5th--Evening. + +The wind has changed and now a sirocco is blowing. The whole country of +the Adige is covered with fog, a warm soft rain drizzles against the +window panes. The poplars have lost so much of their foliage that I can +easily trace the outline of the beautiful peak of the Mendola. The +vineyards are autumnally bare, the cattle are now sheltered in the +stables, everything is prepared for winter, and I am heartily glad of a +warm nook. My father writes of much snow and cold, whilst here the +southern wind still brings an Italian warmth with it, and in the little +garden below my windows, the roses bloom as gaily as if they were quite +certain that the snow would never descend from the top of the Muth to +the village of Tirol--still less reside on the Wassermauer. + + + The 6th--Morning. + +The roses really seem to be right. The most beautiful sunshine awoke +me; the stove shall enjoy a holiday. The green meadows in the lower +part of the country are as bright as in May. Half an hour ago I +received a note from Morrik saying that he wished to take advantage of +the fine day, and enjoy a ride over the nearest hills as walking was +forbidden him and he asked me if I would accept his company, and join +him. In that case he would fetch me at ten o'clock with the mules. I +wrote to him without much deliberation that I would be very happy to do +so. Now when I think of it.... + + + In the Evening. + +Fortunately I had no time to think over it, or I should probably have +thought many foolish and superfluous things. My landlady came to +announce that the gentleman was waiting for me below, and at the same +moment his servant entered to carry down my plaid and bag, so I had to +hurry away. He had dismounted when I came down, and the pleasure of +seeing him again, after so long a time, looking tolerably well and +cheerful, the mild clear day, the view, and the prospect of a pleasant +ride helped me to overcome my childish embarrassment. Society had at +last got accustomed to see us talk together whilst walking, why should +we not also do so on mules. So we rode gaily through the Laubengasse, +and over the bridge, where to be sure the whole company of strangers +rushed to the railings of the wintergarden, and followed us with their +kind looks and remarks. On the other side of the bridge, the road turns +to the left and ascends the hilly streets of the cheerful village of +Obermais. We soon found ourselves among the leafless vineyards, and in +trotting past the houses, saw the grapes pressed in large tubs, and +barrels filled with their juice, and under the bare trellises, +preparations for next year's harvest. One can hardly imagine anything +more picturesque looking than one of those tall fine looking young +peasants ploughing underneath these bowers with their strong grey oxen, +or as in that beautiful picture of Robert's, resting his cattle while +he leans on the pole between them. The whole surrounded by a frame of +trellis work, which here supports the vine in the form of a vaulted +arcade. They all left their work when we passed--I rode in front on a +very quiet animal, led by the guide; Morrik just behind me, so that we +could exchange the expressions of our delight at all these beauties of +nature, and his servant brought up the rear. + +When we had mounted somewhat higher, I involuntarily stopped; the view +was so wonderfully beautiful. The entire valley of the Adige lay far +beneath us, the river glittered between meadows and sands, and the more +distant mountains encircled the whole with their clear and beautiful +outline. But how can words describe a scene which the brush of the most +able painter could not do justice to. Neither of us spoke, we remained +in silent awe, and could only marvel. Had not the mules become +impatient, who can say whether we should not be on the same spot still. +My docile bay who was more sagacious than he looked, pondered, and +shook his head with the conspicuous ears, over the folly of mankind in +stopping where no fodder was to be seen: so he moved on slowly to +supply our want of judgement, and the others followed. We left to our +right a beautiful castle belonging to Count Trautmannsdorf, and the +little church of St. Valentine, which stands quite isolated in a +sheltered valley. Our way then again turned to the north over a hill +which rises at the foot of the Ifinger, whose snowy summit towered in +the clear autumnal sky. The whole ridge of the hill is covered with +solitary farms, intermingled with old castles that are now chiefly +inhabited by rich wine growing peasants who, during the summer months, +lodge invalid strangers. I have forgotten the names of most of them, +only one of them I remember, the castle of Rubein. There in front of +the old battlements stand tall slender cypresses, like guardians round +an old sarcophagus and contrast by their sombre hue with the green and +yellow foliage of the vine. We took a hasty survey of the courtyard. +The small open gallery supported by pillars, the steep stairs, +which lead up to it, and in the comer the old, and now nearly bare +walnut-tree round which myriads of birds were fluttering and singing, +so that it seemed as if they had enjoyed too much of their grape harvest +and were now intoxicated and overmerry. I could fill pages with a +description of the beauties of these heights. Further on, towards the +valley of Passeir, the road gently ascends underneath noble chesnut and +walnut-trees, and the view opens out to the Küchelberg, and my dear old +Zenoburg, till it rests on the high projecting village of Schönna with +its old castle. + +When we arrived it was just noon. We were both tired by our long ride, +hungry and silent. The sights in which we had revelled still occupied +our thoughts, and here again our eyes hardly sufficed to enjoy the view +which extended far and near from every window. I entered the tap-room, +whilst Morrik talked to the landlord outside, and sat quietly in the +dusk for a while with closed eyes endeavouring to recover my calmness. + +The room had a projecting bay window which formed a sort of recess, +where sat, as a hasty glance when I entered had shown me, a young +peasant, and a girl with their dinner and wine before them. They seemed +to notice me as little as I did them. Morrik then came in, and sat down +at a table beside me. He appeared more cheerful than usual, but also +looked paler, as if the air had fatigued him. We talked about +indifferent subjects. Suddenly the young peasant rose from his seat in +the window, and with a full glass of wine in his hand, approached our +table. "With your permission," he said, "the gentleman won't object to +my drinking the health of this lady, as we are old acquaintances." Then +he took a sip, looked at me over the edge of his glass, and gave it to +me to drink from. I took the glass, but looked at him rather puzzled. +He seemed quite unknown to me, and appeared to be flushed with wine, +and in a waggish humour, so that I was really frightened. + +"Well, well," he said, as I was silent, and Morrik gave him no +encouragement; the hat of a Saltner, and a beard of three months' +standing certainly give a fellow somewhat more of a diabolical look +than his holiday clothes. But if I did not seem appalling to her then, +there is still less danger of it now, particularly as her brother, or +her sweetheart.... + +"Natz," the girl interrupted, "what nonsense you are talking. The young +lady does not look as if she felt a great horror of you, but to drink +wine is forbidden to those who are ill; is it not so your honour? +Ignatzius has a notion that no one can live without wine. Oh what a +wild fellow he is! I have been begging and entreating him for a whole +hour to come away. We are going down to Meran for our pledge, you +understand, our betrothal; but there he will sit, sit till night comes +on, and when the wine is well up, forsooth, a pretty figure we shall +make before the deacon. Do persuade him to come away my lady----" + +"Heigh-ho what's this!" exclaimed the young fellow, whom I at last +recognized as my friend of the Zenoburg, "don't you see Liesi that this +gentleman and lady are in no hurry either? What do you say to that, +sir? she already takes the reins; the women are always in a hurry to +get the men into their power. A smart fellow often pauses on this road +and drinks his last bachelor's bottle with all the more relish. In +other respects," he continued, casting a proud and merry glance +at her, "I cannot complain; she is a tightly built lass, and has her +senses about her; and certainly she has not been picked up on the +highways--Only this setting down, and domineering, that is an +affliction to be sure; but even the strongest and most determined +fellow must submit to it--How have you fared?" turning to Morrik, the +lady here is very nice, and I would not mind changing with you, but +then there would be an end of playing the master of the house, "well +every one has some burden to carry." + +"Ignatz," I said, for Morrik still continued silent, and I feared he +would set the young fellow down, whose tongue the wine had loosened, +somewhat ungently, "this gentleman is neither my sweetheart nor my +brother. We are both of us strangers here; who only had agreed to make +this excursion together. You talk about commanding but that demands +strength. A poor woman who will be buried before the spring arrives, +neither has spirit nor inclination for it. And now go with your Liesi +to Meran to the priest, and don't let it be said of you that you did +not know what you were doing when you gave her your promise." + +The girl who was fresh and blooming, and had a frank and intelligent +countenance, now also rose and took the young man by the arm. + +"Thank you, young lady," she said, "for helping me to get off with this +fellow. Say God speed, to the gentleman and lady, Natzi, and then come +along; and I hope ma'am that you will change your mind about dying. I +was a servant girl in one of the lodging-houses down at Meran during +two winters, and know many a one who quite recovered after having +ordered his coffin, and many a one who thought he was breathing his +last breath, afterwards climbed to the top of the Muth. The air of +Meran is so fine that I should not wonder if it woke up the dead. But +now goodbye your honours, or this one here, will go to sleep on the +spot where he is standing." + +There really seemed some danger of this for he stood leaning against +the table, and vacantly stared at the floor. He nodded dreamily towards +us, and willingly let himself be led out. + +I cannot deny that the whole scene had made a painful impression on me. +It did not exactly show the young fellow to disadvantage, but his talk +of which I have given the main part without his strong expressions had +vexed me. Morrik did not seem much edified either by this encounter. +The landlady who brought in our dinner, also asked importunate +questions, and so did not improve our humour. Moreover the air was +heavy in the low room and the smoke from the kitchen penetrated into +it. The cooking too was bad, so we were glad to have done with it and +to breathe again the fresh air. We walked slowly along the narrow paths +among the picturesque farms, talking little. My cheerfulness however +soon returned. "Are you not well?" I asked, as he pensively walked +beside me. "I cannot complain," he said, "I should feel neither care +nor grief if thoughts did not oppress me." + +"Perhaps it would relieve you, if you could express your thoughts." + +"Perhaps it would make it worse. My thoughts would hardly please you." + +"Your confidence at least would please me." + +"Even if I should confide to you, that after all, I fear you have too +much confidence in me?" I looked at him enquiringly. + +"Look here," he continued, "the little you know of me, is perhaps the +best part of me; thence I am persuaded that you think much too highly +of me, and would be disappointed if you heard the judgement which other +people, who to be sure know me still less than you do, have passed upon +me." + +"Is it not the same with every one of us," I replied, "either we are +judged too highly or undervalued by our fellow creatures. Even our +nearest friends do not always see us in our true light. But shall I for +that lose my faith in the durability of our friendly intercourse, the +term of which is so very short." + +He smiled sadly. "I have a sure presentiment that you will outlive me; +perhaps for many years. Since I have known you, your health has visibly +improved, and who can tell whether the sentence pronounced on you by +your doctor may not one day be laid aside with the rest of the sayings +which false prophets have recklessly uttered. You shake your head. Well +we will leave the future to decide this question. I carry the sure +tokens of death too plainly within me to mistake them. So it causes me +much deliberation whether I am not wronging you, in enjoying your +society, your conversation, may I say your friendship? without heeding +the injury your kindness may do you. You are so far above many things, +which, in spite of their meanness, are all powerful in this world; how +strong and cruel that power is, I myself have painfully experienced. +Lest you should feel hurt at a man's reminding you of the prejudices +and opinions which usually have more influence with women, and which +hitherto, in our friendly intercourse, we have despised, you must know +that I should not be here, not be ill, not be dying if I had been more +careful of the judgement of others and of the light, or rather shade +which I throw on all with whom I associate." + +We had seated ourselves on a stone, close by the roadside, and covered +with moss and ivy from whence we could see the beautiful mountain peaks +and the sloping heights of the Passer through the branches of the +chesnut-trees. + +Children on their way to school surrounded us at some distance, +peasants passed, and cows were led to the fountain. He did not heed +them, but continued in a low voice: "Perhaps you do not know, dear +Marie, how much an independent position influences our nature for good +or for evil. It is now useless to moralize on the subject, but one +thing to be observed, is, that a man who is not restrained by any tie +is very apt to despise those who are bound by considerations, or +prejudices. I have already told you that I was better than my +reputation. As I could easily dispense with the assistance, protection, +and good-will of my fellow-creatures, I thought I could also dispense +with their good opinion, and only laughed when the _homemade_ people, +as I used to call them, painted my character in darker colours than it +really deserved. They envy me my freedom, I often said. As I am not +dependent on them for anything, they want me at least to bow down +before their moral tribunal. What would freedom be worth if it did not +teach us to depend on ourselves and the voice of our conscience alone? +So I went my way, and let them talk. Every path in life leads past +human habitations, and whoever seeks admission into these must steady +his steps that he may not be suspected of being a vagabond or a +drunkard, and no peaceful citizen will let such a one cross his +threshold. I will not give you a long history--to be brief; I made the +acquaintance of a most amiable girl--perhaps, it was for the first +time, that I felt warm friendship, and inspired it. The young lady had +been engaged for several months to an officer whom I had formerly met +in rather light society. At that time he was absent on duty. I am +convinced that I would never have entered the house again, had I felt +anything like love for his betrothed. But as matters stood, I gave +myself up to the charm of this harmless and cordial intercourse, the +more so, that her brother saw no objection to it. The family was +wealthy and much esteemed. Small parties were given in the house, where +dancing, comedies and tableaux-vivants went on, so that many young men +were always assembled there even during the absence of the betrothed, +and his future bride gaily joined in every amusement. Suddenly I +remarked that her brother treated me with coldness and reserve; I was +on the point of asking him the reason of this, when he anticipated me +by writing a polite letter in which he expressed his positive desire +that I should never again enter his parents' house. Of course, we had +an explanation in which I was informed that the officer to whom his +sister was engaged had charged her to break off all intercourse with +me, as I was a man of no principle. Several other circumstances added +to the irritation caused by this unfortunate affair, and though I did +my best to spare my fair friend every sorrow, yet the affair took a +serious turn. The conversation ended in a duel. I shot into a tree, but +the brother whose blood was hotter than mine, grazed my side with his +bullet. It was not much to speak of, but the agitation which I with +difficulty repressed, the cold of the winter morning in which I drove +for several hours in my carriage back to town, and the pain and rage I +felt at seeing this pure and charming tie so foolishly rent asunder, +all this laid me prostrate. I only rose from an inflammatory fever to +be sent here as incurable. And now, dear Marie, you will understand why +I can no longer make light of your innocently walking by the side of a +man supposed to be without principles. I who, at least, have always +adhered firmly to one thing, and that is not to seek my own happiness +at the cost of another's." + +I had long made up my mind how I should answer him. "If you have +confided all this to me, with the hope of changing my opinion," I said, +"you little know me. It can only confirm me in the belief that I do +well in availing myself of the right of speaking the truth to you. A +right which is only granted to the dying. + +"All the good I have enjoyed in this life I have had to struggle for. I +so truly prize our mutual friendship that I will not renounce it so +easily. What would friendship be worth, if one had not the courage to +acknowledge, and defend it when attacked. How mean and false, should I +not appear in my own eyes, and in yours, if I changed in my conduct +towards you because bad or silly people accuse you of things which I +know to be untrue. I too depend on no one, in consideration of whom, I +being a girl should subject my feelings against my convictions. + +"If my father should ever hear that in my last days I had formed a firm +friendship with a stranger, he will only think highly of the stranger +in whom his daughter confided. + +"So no more of these reflections which ought never to have troubled +you, and we will remain what we were before, good comrades. Is it not +so, my friend?" + +"Till death," he said, and pressed my hand, greatly agitated. I soon +succeeded in cheering him again, and this happy day would have closed +harmoniously, but for an event which to be sure troubled only me. We +rode home early, as the sun so soon sets behind the mountains. Morrik +was very merry, and talked to his mule, jestingly giving it credit for +a sense of the beautiful; he stopped at the farms, and spoke to the +children and their mothers, and as we rode past a white bearded old man +whom we met panting up the hill, he stuck a paper florin in the old +peasant's hat, and was delighted with the thought of what he would say +when a passing acquaintance told him of the strange ornament. So we +reached the bridge by a shorter road, there I saw on a bench a young +Pole whom I had several times noticed, and not in the favourable sense +of the word. I had now and then met him alone, and then he had stared +at me with such a fierce look in his dark eyes that I always hurried +past him. He is evidently one of the most suffering of the strangers +here, and his passionate temper seems constantly to be in revolt +against his fate, and this inward conflict distorts his otherwise +handsome and attractive features. His strange costume, all black, with +high boots, and a fur-cap with white feathers in it, gives him a +striking appearance, which sometimes has haunted me in troubled dreams, +always menacing me with terrible looks. To-day he sat quite quietly, +and did not appear to see me. Morrik was in front as the bridge is so +narrow that two riders cannot cross it side by side, and I had to pass +close to the bench on which he was reclining apparently asleep. +Suddenly he jumped up seized the bridle of my mule, and looked at me +fixedly with piercing eyes; he wanted to speak, but only burst out in a +frantic laugh, so that my mule shied and gave such a start that it +nearly sent me flying over the parapet of the bridge. Before I had +recovered from my astonishment, he had disappeared round a turning of +the road. The guide in a fury sent a curse after him, and I had hardly +time to enforce silence on him, before we reached Morrik, to whom I +would on no account mention this singular adventure until I ascertain +whether there is any mystery concealed under it. I have written too +much, and my pulse is beating feverishly. This night I shall have to +pay for the pleasures of the day. Good night. + + + The 8th November--rain and sirocco. + +This the second day we have had of this unwholesome air in which no +patient dares to go out. It is a pity. I had anticipated the pleasure +of discussing different subjects with my newly acquired friend, which I +had refrained from doing before we had so cordially shaken hands as +comrades. Now, I must wait patiently. Strange that the solitude which +formerly seemed to me as life itself becomes only the resort of +necessity now that I have associated with a genial and intellectual +mind. I must content myself with my books and music. Every morning he +sends his servant to enquire how I feel. The ride seems to have done +him good, I still feel it in my limbs. I will write home and tell my +father of my new friend; I know it will please him. + + + The 11th November. + +Now, at last, the southern winter has commenced its mild reign, and +people say that this will continue. Yesterday I again remained out of +doors from two o'clock till sunset with Morrik on the Wassermauer, not +always conversing, as he in compliance with my request brought a book +with him. The poems of Edgar Allen Poe, he showed them to me with a +smile, saying that these were the true expositors of his own feelings +before his regeneration, as he called it. I have taken the book away +with me and have lent him instead "The wisdom of the Brahmins" by my +dear Rückert, of which, however, one can only take in finger-tips at a +time, but every pinch of this snuff, to continue the clumsy simile, +freshens the mind and dispels congestions. + +"You really have given me a spiritual medicine," Morrik jestingly said, +"I must beg of you to go on prescribing for me, for that desperate +American had quite unsettled me." + +He told me that people had talked a great deal about our excursion to +Schönna, and looked at me to see if that annoyed me. "Do not let us +please them by noticing it," I answered, "just as we enjoyed the +sunshine without allowing the gnats and flies that buzzed about us, to +spoil our pleasure." We have tacitly agreed never to talk about our +illness, as most people here do, and either make themselves unhappy by +it or find consolation in it, according to the warmth or coldness of +their hearts. But I often perceive that he fancies erroneously that my +health is improving, instead of which I distinctly feel the contrary. +The momentary relief which I experience is just what characterises the +approaching end in this disease. I fancy that I breathe more easily and +move with less effort. I also eat more and sleep well, probably owing +to exhaustion, which increases, though I have the illusive feeling +of more vigour and ease. As I walked home to-day--I dine at three +o'clock--I really felt hungry, but I know how it is with me. + +To-day there is at Meran besides the usual market one of those large +meat ones that take place in the autumn when the Lauben are transformed +into long rows of butcher's stalls, and butchering goes on in all the +court-yards. On every peg, there hangs the half of a pig or a calf +which is sold to the peasants, who come in great multitudes from the +Vintschgau, Passeier, and Ultner valleys, and from the different farms +in the neighbourhood. Other booths are filled with various merchandize: +ironware, clothes images of saints and numberless trifles. Between +these boothes the people push, press, and jostle, so that if one is not +in danger of one's life, one is at all events nearly suffocated as the +smell of the meat mingles with the fumes of bad tobacco. I have even +seen boys of ten years old walk about with short pipes in their mouths, +and the smoke hangs over the market-place like a heavy fog; the lungs +that can stand it must really be strong as healthy. I nearly fainted. +Those great strong fellows would not stir a step out of my way. +Fortunately my friend of the Küchelberg and his Liese came to my +rescue, just when I most needed it. By plenty of vigorous elbowing he +at last got me safely through those human walls. He was again somewhat +flushed with wine, but he nevertheless appeared to me like a guardian +angel and I easily forgave him the question he jokingly asked me about +my brother or sweetheart. I could not make him understand that the +gentleman was neither the one or the other, though very dear to me. + +My landlady has just brought me in my afternoon meal. My hunger has +grown so morbid that I cannot wait till supper time. Probably these are +the last figs of this year. Thank heaven that ham and bread are not +restricted to any particular season. What if I played our old doctor +the trick of dying before the spring, and that of starvation! + + + The 19th November. + +I can hardly hold my pen, I tremble so with the agitation of this last +hour. How rashly I hoped that the weeks would glide on peaceful, and +full of sunshine like the last one; one day resembling the other. In +the forenoon, those happy hours on the Wassermauer with Morrik; the +remainder of the day, my books, and letters, or my work and my piano, +which I fancy sounds more and more melodious every time I play on it. +And now this occurrence! Moreover I cannot speak of it to any one, and +above all before my friend, before Morrik, I must appear as if nothing +had happened. Is it not all some fearful dream! Has that poor man, I +may say that madman, though he vehemently protested against the +suspicion, really spoken words to me that I could not understand, +accompanied by looks that I shudder to think of, for they seem to me to +have been more expressive than his words. I ought to have listened to +the secret misgivings which warned me against the solitary road on the +Küchelberg, since that scene on the bridge. But I knew that Morrik was +not on the Wassermauer, and did not like to be there without him, +particularly as the band was to play on that day. + +I had walked on so totally absorbed in my own thoughts that I had +passed through the gate towards Vintschgau before I knew what I was +doing: it is still as warm there as summer is at home, and one may +saunter on through the leafless vineyards and find every now and then a +bench inviting to rest. Where my thoughts were I know not, when +suddenly he seemed to emerge from the ground, and stood by my side +holding my hand. My fright was so great that I could not utter a sound +but I fixed my eyes firmly on his face and saw that he opened his lips +with an effort. He began first in broken German, and then fluently and +vehemently in French, to excuse himself for the scene on the bridge. He +had been blinded by pain and jealousy, and would willingly cut off the +hand that had seized the bridle of my mule, if by so doing he could +obtain my forgiveness. While he spoke I vainly tried to free my hand +from his grasp. I looked around but no one was to be seen, the road was +deserted. This roused my pride, and my courage; I drew back my hand, +and could at last ask him what authorized him to speak in that way to a +stranger. He was silent for some time, and a violent conflict seemed to +rage within him. Every nerve of his face twitched convulsively. What he +at last said I _will_ forget, I listened to it as if it were not +addressed to me. _Could_ it be addressed to _me_, whom he did not know, +with whom he had never exchanged a word? Is a passion that is roused by +a figure gliding past like a shadow, by one who is inwardly dead, and +only outwardly has a semblance of life; is not that passion but a freak +of madness; and is a madman responsible for the words he utters? Only +when he threatened Morrik, I began to think such an insanity dangerous, +and not merely to be pitied. I do not know what I said to him, but I +saw that it made a deep impression on him. Suddenly he took off his +high black cap with the feathers in it, and stood humbly before me; +"Vous avez raison, Madame," he said in a deep thrilling voice which +before had had a harsh hoarse tone in it. "Pardonnez-moi, j'ai perdu la +tête." Then he bowed and walked across the fields towards the level +part of the country, where I could for some time distinguish his dark +figure moving among the willows. + +After having written all this, it seems to me that I look upon what has +passed with more calmness; and compassion gets the better of my +indignation. I looked at myself in the glass and could still less +understand it. It will also always remain a mystery to me how such a +scene could take place between two natures one of whom did not feel the +slightest inclination for the other, who on his part made impetuous +attempts to draw near. I know that not only affinities draw characters +towards each other but also contraries; but can indifference also have +that power? The longer I think of it the more clearly I perceive that +his mind must be deranged. I will, after all, mention it to Morrik, for +who can say to what I may not expose myself if I should a second time +encounter this madman, defenceless, and fright should paralyze the +self-possession which I need to subdue him. + + + Several days later. + +The pain of mentioning this dreadful encounter to my friend has been +spared me. It would certainly have agitated him, the more so, that he +has been much less cheerful lately, and often walks quite absently +beside me. + +The poor young man whom I dreaded will never again cross my path. His +clouded mind is now brightened by the light of heaven. This morning +when my landlady came to me, she told me that a young Pole had died in +the night. The description she gave me of his person is exactly that of +the poor madman. A hemorrage had carried him off in the night and he +was found dead in the morning. I now reproach myself with having spoken +too harshly to him, but I had no other weapon than my words. If they +were too sharp and wounded him more deeply than the offence demanded, +the alarm of that moment may excuse me, and the fact that I did not +immediately perceive the state of his mind. + + + Evening. + +Tired, agitated, and in conflict with myself. + +To-day when I met Morrik, I welcomed my dear friend with particular +pleasure, after these last painful days. He told me without laying much +stress on it--for here one is accustomed to the disappearance of some +known face--of the sudden death, and asked me if I remembered the +handsome young man. I said: no, and then felt heavy at heart as though +I had committed some crime. In vain I tried to persuade myself that by +this untruth, I had cut short any further conversation on the subject, +and perhaps the necessity of telling other falsehoods, I cannot get rid +of the painful feeling that I have wronged my friend who has so much +right to hear the truth. I shall again have a bad night, and shall not +be able to rest till I have confessed all to him, and begged his +pardon. + + + The next day--I believe it to be the 23rd, + cold and foggy.-- + +I am severely punished. The cold prevents his walking out. Now I must +wait patiently till to-morrow comes, or perhaps till the day after. It +has become quite a necessity with me, not to let the least breath of +untruth, or misunderstanding come between us. + +Edgar Allan Poe with his morbid discontents; his bitter and hopeless +sarcasms, is now congenial to me. There is a frame of mind when wisdom +is repugnant to us, as a bowl of sweet milk is to a man in a fever. +Only that.... + + + Two hours later. + +Are calm and peace really only words void of meaning in this troubled +world? Cannot even those retain them inwardly who had won them. I begin +to think that I should not be secure from the events, and storms, which +harass my last moments, even were I shut up in a walled in tower, where +the ravens brought me my food through the barred windows. If no other +catastrophe were possible, an earthquake would root up my place of +concealment, and break through the walls, and I should be again cast +out into the world among strangers, whose affection would distress me, +when I had ceased to care for their aversion. + +A visitor disturbed me this morning; the last person in Meran whom I +should have expected to see in my room! No less a personage than the +Burghermeister of the town. He came to spare me the disagreeable +surprise of a solemn summons, and disclosed to me that he had been +entrusted with a letter for me, and with the testament of the writer, +who names me his sole heiress. + +I looked helplessly at the Burghermeister. The thought of my father's +death did not occur to me. If this dreadful event were to happen; if I +should lose him before my hour had arrived, at least the pain of +inheriting from him would be spared me. But who in the whole world--? + +I glanced at the letter which the Burghermeister had with some +hesitation laid on the table, and saw a handwriting that was quite +unknown to me. "I don't know this handwriting," I said wonderingly, +though a sudden misgiving seized me, as I remarked that the direction +was in French. My evident astonishment seemed to relieve him. He +probably had supposed that a more intimate acquaintance had existed +between me, and the writer of the letter, and was prepared for a +painful scene. "Do you wish to read the letter now or later?" he asked. +I opened it at once, and read it with a beating heart but without any +outward show of emotion, at least I believe so. The letter was filled +with the rhapsodies which I had before spurned from me with horror. +They were hardly subdued by the approach of death, though the +unfortunate man must have felt it coming. I have not as yet deciphered +much of it. The indistinct French hand seems to have trembled at every +stroke with violent emotion. + +But not a word of the legacy; only wretchedness and accusations against +fate which had rent asunder the fetters of passion, instead of +loosening them; confused tumultuous words, and ideas, written in order +to lighten the burden of one heart, and to weigh down the other with +it. + +When I had laid down the letter, the kindly old gentleman turned to me, +and seemed to ask for an explanation which I could not give. When I had +told him that I was just as much astonished as he was, he departed, +leaving me a copy of the will for further consideration, but he +seriously advised me not to refuse so considerable a property in the +first moment of excitement, though I was of age, and need not consult +the wishes of my father. He would call again in a few days. + +I will take a walk, I feel as if I could no longer remain in the room +with those papers; as if they impregnated the air with the fever heat +from whence they proceeded. I did not even require to read them a +second time to come to a decision; I--, or the poor of Meran--can there +be a doubt which of us will outlive the other, and will need the +fortune most. + + + In the Afternoon. + +Truly this is a disastrous day. I wish it were past. Who can tell what +the evening may bring! + +I went out with the foolish hope of meeting Morrik, instead of whom, I +encountered all the strange though well known faces in the winter +garden. I can generally now pass them with indifference, but they were +this day again to wound me deeply. + +I perceived that they laid their heads together and whispered as I went +by. On one of the benches sat the young _chronique scandaleuse_ whom I +have long ceased to bow to, as she tosses her head whenever I come near +her. The place beside her was the only unoccupied one, but hardly had I +sat down, when up she started and moved towards another bench, begging +two ladies to make room for her. The blood rushed to my face but I was +not conquered. At last the life preserver, who had not deigned to +address a word to me for weeks past, rustled into the arbour. This time +her heart was too full; she came up to me and said, so loudly that +every one could hear her, "Well my dear, I suppose we are to +congratulate you. The young Pole has bequeathed to you, his large +fortune. Poor young man! To be sure you always kept him at a great +distance. It is no wonder that he soon died. It is really quite +touching that even after his death he offered his broken heart to you." + +"You are mistaken," I said. "I have not accepted the legacy which was +only left to me by the error of an unsound mind. But even if it had +been clearly the intention of the deceased to appoint me his heiress, I +would not have accepted it. I am not moved, either by the kindness, or +the malevolence of strangers, but generally turn my back on both." Then +I quietly read on. There was a great silence in the arbour, and I could +hear the quicker breathing of the fat old lady without nerves, as well +as that of the little lady who hates me. I did not take any further +notice of what they whispered and tittered around me, only I several +times distinguished the name of Morrik, purposely pronounced very +distinctly. Even that cannot hurt me. But as I walked home, shivering +in the damp foggy air, and feeling inwardly as sunless and gloomy as +the sky was outwardly. I should have liked a good hearty cry. I feel so +weary, that not even tears will flow. Life, happiness, sorrow, +everything, seems stagnant within me. + + + The 25th November. + +And now this! this verily is the last drop in the cup of bitterness. +This blow strikes at the very roots, and no storm is needed to level to +the ground the falling tree a child could overturn it. And that this +blow should come from the hand, from which I least expected it. That +just where I had hoped to ease my heart, I have brought it back more +heavy still. To-day I at last found him on the Wassermauer. The sun +shone brightly; I felt revived and hoped to gain peace and relief from +the conversation I had so long wished for. I thought I could easily +explain to him this last occurrence, and I was not disappointed; he +smiled when I told him how sorry I was for my want of truth towards +him. He took my hand and before releasing it he pressed it to his lips. +I felt strangely moved. He had heard of the legacy of the young Pole +but had never doubted that I would refuse it. Everything now I thought +was smoothed and settled, and I cast a grateful look at the sun as if +his kindly beams had cleared it all. + +How came it that we again turned to that unlucky theme? Alas it was my +fault. I wished to convince him more fully still that my feelings for +the poor madman had always been cool, and indifferent; so I began again +by saying, how the bare thought of that meeting filled me with horror; +how inexcusable it was to let people who were so evidently deranged +walk about unwatched. He looked straight before him, and said: "You are +mistaken dear Marie, he was not more deranged than I am who sit beside +you, and I hope I do not inspire you with fear. He even has the +advantage over me, for he has eased his heart of the burden which still +oppresses mine." + +"I do not understand you," I replied, and I spoke the truth. + +"Then I will continue silent;" what good could speaking do me? + +After a pause: "But no, why should I remain silent you might then only +fancy something worse. Is it so contemptible, if a few steps from the +grave we once more look back on life, and there perceive a happiness +which would render it loveable and worth having if only it were not too +late, and if then one grows distracted with misery and longing, and +with rage against fate? If though dying one longs to press to one's +heart the dear one who is denied to us, and breathe our last breath on +her lips? That is what happened to the poor lad who now sleeps a +dreamless sleep--and so...." He paused and looked at me. There was not +a soul to be seen underneath the poplars and he again took my hand. +"You tremble! before me too," he said. "Forget my words." + +I could not speak. I felt that my last and best happiness was +destroyed; the harmless confidence, the warm cheerful intercourse to +which my heart clung. Again I was alone, I felt it must be so, if I +would not add remorse to my other sufferings. "I will go home," I said, +"I feel unwell; you must remain here, and enjoy the sunshine which +makes my head ache to-day. I will write a few hues to you in the +afternoon to tell you, if I feel better." Then I rose, gave him my hand +for the last time; entreated him by a look to say no more, and left +him. + +I will see if I can collect my thoughts sufficiently to write to him. + + + In the Evening. + +I lay the copy of my letter to him between these leaves, and feel +relieved now that it is over; physically relieved, but the weight on my +heart still oppresses me. This is the letter: + + + "Meran, the 25th November. + + "My dear friend! + +"Let me to-day, bid you farewell for the last time in this world, and +express my hope of a happy meeting in the next, towards which we are +tending. It will be easier for both of us to take leave of each other +now, while we are still under the impression of a pure and friendly +intercourse, than it would be later when we should have felt that we do +not agree in higher matters, and this I fear would sooner, or later +have been the case, for your last words still sadden and dishearten me, +as I never thought words spoken by my dear friend could have done. + +"How I wish we still lived in the past; then I was happy and hoped that +you were so. Why did you speak, why could we not calmly have awaited +our destiny, and stood firmly by each other as true comrades till the +end came. + +"I hope that this calm and premature farewell, though it may cause you +a momentary pain, will in time soften your thoughts, and give you back +the clear-sightedness with which we a short time ago looked on the +past, and hoped for the future. We cannot avoid meeting now and then; +let us pass one another with a silent bow, as if already we were +shadows moving in a higher sphere. + +"I need not tell you that I shall always retain the warmest friendship +for you, and I beg you to keep yours for me, though at one time it +seemed overshadowed by darker passions. + +"Farewell my dear friend; show me that these words, which come from the +heart, are understood, by not answering them." + + "Marie." + + + The last of November. + +I long for snow and ice for the cold winter air of my home. This sun +that shines day after day in the clear blue November sky makes my eyes +and my heart ache. This morning I woke with a pleasant surprise; it had +snowed in the night and the soft snow still lay unsullied, and pure on +the roofs and on the road. Now it has melted away, and only a few +traces of it are left. People again walk about in light cloaks, and +with dry feet under the leafless poplars. + +My father wrote yesterday that he fully approves of my decision +regarding the legacy. I immediately informed the Burghermeister of +this, and have already received a vote of thanks from the +administration of the poorhouse funds, which I would willingly have +dispensed with. I now write rarely in this journal. One day resembles +the other; they are like the leaves of a tree in the late autumn; all +of them are brown, only one falls to the earth sooner than another. + + + The 1st of December--at Night. + +A shooting festival has taken place and enlivened the quiet town of +Meran. Early in the morning I was awakened by the band of music which +accompanied the shooters from the Sandplatz in front of the Post to the +targets. Then the whole day long the report of the rifles was heard and +made me feel quite nervous, and later the shouts and jodles of the +peasants who arrived rather the worse for wine. In the evening +fireworks were displayed on the left bank of the Passer, and it was +very pretty to see the population of the town, and the strangers +walking up and down, and enjoying the mild air by the light of torches +which were placed along the Wassermauer. Then a strong sirocco arose, +and wildly swept the rockets across the water, made the torches +flicker, and drove the spectators into their houses by bringing on the +rain. I saw the spectacle from my window, and remained there till the +last spark had died out in the dark starless night. + +How long it is now since I have spoken to any one except to the people +of the house where I lodge. The wish that my lips might be closed for +ever grows stronger every day. Oh for an hour of the cheerful, +confidential talk I once enjoyed with Morrik, and then to go to sleep +and dream that same dream on to Eternity! But I must endure till my +time comes. + + + The 4th December. + +When my time has come, shall I find courage to resist my longing to see +him once more, and in spite of my resolve, bid adieu to life with my +eyes fixed on his. I think he too would wish it, whatever his present +thoughts may be regarding my sudden rupture with him. Sometimes the +idea torments me that he may have possibly misunderstood my letter and +think that I drew back because I feared gossip. I should like to tell +him once more that this is not the case; that I only did it for his +sake, for his peace of mind, and indeed for mine also. + +How is he now? Can he walk out? Who will help him to bear the long +solitude of the day. I am truly grateful to him for having granted my +wish in not having answered my letter. Still something seems missing in +my life, now that I no longer see him, and cannot judge for myself +whether he is cheerful or melancholy; how he bears his sufferings, what +he reads, what he thinks--his thoughts even, I could once read in his +face, his countenance is so clear and open. + +Yesterday I met his servant. The faithful creature bowed to me; I +should have liked to ask him how his master was; however it is better +not. + + + The 11th. + +Took a walk to the Zenoburg; that dear walk of former days, but not +with my former spirits. As I passed by the house where he lodges, he +was just coming out; he perceived me and stood still and motionless to +let me pass. I dared not look at him, but the first glance told me that +he had become pale and grave--nearly as much so as when I first saw +him. He did not bow, but remained in the shade of the doorway as if +fearing to frighten me; so I passed him with my eyes fixed on the +pavement. + +The hill seemed much steeper to me than when I walked up the first +time--probably I have grown weaker--and then I was happy. What is it +that hinders me from being so again, in spite of all my efforts and +self-command. Is it merely compassion for him, and the want of that +intercourse which had become a necessity to me. No, it is not that +alone; it is as if I had been infringing on some duty. But how could I +have acted differently? Can one trifle with the hopes and happiness of +this life, when death is so near. + + + The 16th December--Evening. + +A trying but pleasant day has passed. I have packed a small +Christmasbox which I intend to send home. When all the trifles I had +worked for my father, Ernest, and my step-mother were laid together; +the pretty wood carvings, the picture of Meran, and the figure of a +Saltner which I had dressed up for Ernest as like the real ones as +possible, I was as happy as a child with its own Christmas presents. +And then the packing of it all; as the box was not quite filled, I +crammed in all I could get hold of; some pomegranates, a box filled +with dried figs, another one with chesnuts, and one of those sweet +Christmas-cakes made of honey and raisins. The box will tell its own +tale of Meran. + +My landlord's apprentice carried the box to the post. Then for the +first time for several weeks, I walked on the Wassermauer. The +strangers sat on the benches as they had always done, only foot-rugs +had become more general. Morrik arrived soon after me. This time we +silently exchanged salutations as had been agreed between us. He looked +kindly and calmly at me probably to see whether I appeared well and +cheerful. I was much heated by my Christmas packing. When I got home I +looked at myself in the glass and perceived that it was only a +transient flush of agitation, perhaps of pleasure. Now that we have +again met so unconstrainedly I fancy that the future will seem easier +to me. I need only imagine that I never exchanged a word with him but +that I have simply read a story in which one of the characters had +attracted me--that I now meet a stranger whose face recalls my idea of +this character, and therefore that I take great interest in him. We did +not sit down beside each other. I walked several times up and down the +Wassermauer with a lady who was very kind to me, inquired why I had so +persistently remained at home, and then told me all about herself and +her children, from whom she had been separated for the sake of +tranquillity. Tears started to her eyes as she said. "To be separated +from those dear to us in order to enjoy quiet and peace of mind!" Oh +you good doctors I what bad physicians for the soul you are. + + + Christmas Eve. + +What am I to think of this! An hour ago a Christmas-tree beautifully +decorated with oranges, pomegranites, and sweet meats, and covered with +wax-lights was brought into the room by my landlady. The tree is so +high that I was obliged to place it on the floor and yet it nearly +reaches the ceiling. A strange maidservant brought it, my landlady +tells me, and would on no account say from whom it came. I have now lit +all the tapers and am writing by their light, after having given my +landlady's children some Christmas-presents, for the people here never +have Christmas-trees. + +Now that I am again alone, I ransack my brain to find out who could +have sent the tree. The kind lady who may also feel the want of +Christmas joys, and Christmas lights? But surely she would have written +a letter to say so, and then our acquaintance is so short. Many other +kind faces have passed by me in my daily walks, but to whom of these +would it have occurred to brighten my Christmas eve. I must confess +that in my first irritation, I wronged many of them, and might +certainly have found some pleasing acquaintances among them, if my +first longing for solitude had not expressed itself so repellantly. Now +no one would willingly speak to me. + +Can the tree have come from _him_? but that would be contrary to our +agreement. One who must and will keep silence cannot offer presents. It +is easier to give than to receive silently, and yet how is it possible +to express one's thanks after having already bid farewell. + +The more I think of it the more uneasy I become. It is not all as it +should be; something unnatural and indefinable seems to have come +between us; something pernicious that would revenge itself on us. + +Here come letters from my dear ones, from home! But I must first put +out the tapers and light my little lamp. Some of the twigs are already +crackling and glimmering. The last spark has died out on my last +Christmas-tree. The church bells are ringing while I am writing these +lines by the light of the moon which is now keeping me company, my lamp +having died out. + + + December the 28th. + +We have met again, our hands have touched, and our eyes have +encountered each other; but what a sorrowful meeting. The vengeance I +expected has come. + +The program of a concert was brought to my lodgings. A player on the +cither was going to perform in the Assembly rooms at the Post. I am no +longer displeased at being roused from my own thoughts; so I went, as I +very much like the cither, and have always wished to hear a virtuoso +perform on it. When I arrived the first piece had begun, and only three +seats in the front row were unoccupied; they seemed to have been kept +for some expected personage of distinction: I found myself compelled to +take one of these seats of honour, and did not do so, unwillingly for +the tone of the instrument was rather low, and there too, I could +observe the movement of the performer's hands. The air soon became +oppressive; the heat of the stove, the crowded room and its low ceiling +all combined to make it so. I was much flurried at first, but I soon +grew calm, and listened with delight to the charming and touching +sounds. Suddenly the door was opened softly and quietly, and Morrik +entered. He stopped when he saw the room filled, but did not like to +turn back. Some gentlemen near the door pointed out to him the empty +seat beside me. He slowly moved up the room, and arriving at my side, +sat down with a slight inclination of the head. My breath stopped and I +feared he would perceive the trembling which seized me, as the arm of +his chair touched mine; however he appeared to be much calmer than I +was, and to listen to the music with more attention; so after a time I +mastered my agitation, and listened too, absorbed in an exquisite and +sweet reverie. I felt as if the melody were a celestial atmosphere in +which our mutual thoughts and feelings rose and intermingled; a +harmonious communion of soul with soul banishing all that had hitherto +divided estranged and tormented us. I cannot describe how this sort of +visionary dream comforted me. I felt persuaded that the same thoughts +touched him also. Our eyes were fixed on the cither, and yet it seemed +as if they met in one long book. + +Even the applause and shouts of bravo! hardly roused us from this +ecstasy. The pauses between the pieces only lasted for a few minutes, +and at the end of one of them the cither-player put by his cither, and +brought out an enormous instrument which he called the divine Kikilira, +explaining in a few words that it was an instrument peculiar to the +Tyrol, and had been constructed by a simple peasant. It is a sort of +wooden harmonium--the notes are formed of very hard wood, and the tones +are produced from them, by the sharp and rapid blows of two small +hammers. It has a harsh shrill sound, and one could hardly have found +an instrument more opposite to the cither. It rudely put to flight all +my exalted thoughts and feelings, and seemed to outrage my very soul. I +would willingly have left the room, had I not been afraid of offending +the performer. I feared for Morrik, for I knew how exceedingly +sensitive he was with regard to every noise. I slightly glanced at him. +He sat with closed eyes his head reclining on his right arm, as if +trying to shield himself from this sudden attack. + +All at once I perceived that his lips grew still paler, his eyes opened +partially and lost all expression; then his head sank heavily against +the back of his chair. + +Several of the audience also observed this, yet no one moved to assist +the fainting man. I fancied, judging by the scornful expression on +their faces, that they with malicious pleasure, purposely left this +benevolent charge to me. I got up and begged the performer to stop, as +a gentleman was unwell. I sprinkled his forehead with eau de cologne, +which I always carry with me, and let him inhale the vivifying perfume. +Part of the company had risen, but none of them left their places: +it was only to observe the spectacle more at their case. Only the +cither-player came to me, and helped me to support Morrik, when his +senses had returned; and to lead him the few steps to the door. Once out +of the room, where the fresh December-wind blew across his face, he +recovered completely. He looked inquiringly at me, then remembered what +had occurred and leant slightly on my arm as I led him down stairs. "I +thank you;" was all he said, and we walked on together as his servant +was nowhere to be found. I accompanied him up the _kleine_ Lauben, as +the street leading past the Post is called, and as far as the church +from whence we could see his lodgings. "Do you feel better?" I asked. +He bowed his head and made a movement as though he now wished to walk +alone. Ere we parted he pressed my hand endeavoured to repress a sigh, +and silently turned towards the house. I watched him till he had +reached the door; he walked with firm slow steps, and did not once look +back. When he had disappeared, I too went home. + +I feel so overcome by this event that I must lie down; my head is +nearly bursting with pain, and when I close my eyes the harsh hammering +sound of that wooden instrument, which surely has received the name of +"divine" in derision, rushes wildly into my ears, and I feel feverish +and exhausted from the heat and oppressive air of the room. + + + The 11th January. + +A fortnight of sickness and suffering, during which I did not open a +book or play a note on the piano--It was only a slight influenza, sleep +and diet have pulled me through--though one night when the fever +tormented me with horrible visions, I was on the point of calling in a +doctor, as my landlady constantly urged me to do. The people here have +great faith in medicines. I am glad that I can now again stand on my +feet, and owe it to no one but myself. I will venture on my first walk +to-day. The air is cold, but still, and the sun is so powerful that I +can boldly open my casement. I long to hear something about Morrik; but +whom can I ask. + + + The same day. + +My presentiment was right; the visions in my feverish dreams spoke the +truth. He is seriously ill with typhus fever. He has been laid up ever +since that concert and sometimes the fever is so bad that he lies +unconscious for hours. I met his doctor just at the gate of the town, +and mustered courage to ask him for news of Morrik; and what good would +restraint do me; it would only be ridiculous for does not everyone +already know that I led him out of the concert-room, and across the +streets and is not my show of interest very innocent, though +unfortunately it may seem improper. The doctor looked very grave and I +should have liked to detain him, and extract from him a decided answer +to my question as to whether there was any immediate danger, but just +then one of his patients accosted him, and our conversation was broken +off. With what feelings I sat down on the sunny bench, and gazed at the +water, watching the logs of wood floating down the stream, and swept +away by the force of the current every time they tried to cling to a +stone. And is it not so with us poor human creatures; do we not float +down the stream of life! and are the happy moments we enjoy anything +better than a short rest on a cliff from which we are severed by the +first passing wave.--Oh, come peace, come! My heart will break with its +stormy throbbing. How shall I be able every morning to endure the pain +of imagining him dying, and of not being able to watch for his every +breath! Oh heavens! and has it come to this, that I must see him leave +this world before me; I who never dreamt of such a possibility. + + + January, the 12th--Evening. + +At last I have gained my point; and the calm I now feel amply +compensates me for the struggle I have had to endure. I have just come +from his lodgings where I have passed the day with him, and shall do so +again to-morrow, and all the days that are yet granted to him. + +How I passed this night, God to whom I prayed in my calmer moments +alone knows. In those dark hours, when sorrow and hopelessness took +away all feeling of _His_ presence, and of my own strength, life, time, +eternity whirled about in my giddy brain just like the helpless logs of +wood tossed by the waves. + +In the morning I begged the landlady to go to his lodgings and enquire +how he had passed the night. She told me that a stout elderly lady with +fair ringlets had opened the door of Mr. Morrik's sitting-room--He lay +in the adjoining room and talked so loud in his fever that one could +hear him distinctly from the outside. The lady asked who had sent her, +and on hearing who it was, had made a wry face, and sent her away with +the information that there was no change. + +This was a terrible blow to me. I knew what he thought of the +professional philanthropy of the life preserver, and that he had always +purposely avoided her. And now there was she listening to his feverish +talk, and plaguing him with her officiousness in his lucid intervals. I +could not bear the thought. + +It was early in the morning when I ascended the stairs of his lodgings, +fully determined not to let any consideration, except what was +necessary for his welfare and tranquillity, prevail over me. My courage +only deserted me for a moment when on knocking at the door a shrill +hard voice called out, "Come in." All my coolness and presence of mind +returned however, when I felt the cold lustreless eyes resting on me, +with a severe rebuking expression; and with a quiet voice I said that I +had come myself to have news of him, as the information of my landlady +did not suffice me. Before she had time to answer Morrik called out my +name from the inner room. "I will go myself," I said, "and ask the +sufferer how he feels. He seems to have recovered his senses." + +"Mr. Morrik receives no one," she said, "and your visit would be +against all propriety, a reason, to be sure, which is of little +importance to you?" "At the death-bed of a friend, certainly not," I +replied. He called a second time "Marie;" so opening the folding that +led to his bedroom, I entered without a moment's hesitation. + +The small room looked dark, as the only window opened on the narrow, +gloomy street, and was partly covered by a curtain; still it was light +enough for me to see that his pale face was brightened by a ray of +pleasure when I entered. He stretched out his hot hand, and tried to +lift his head. "You have come!" he whispered, "I cannot tell you how +your presence relieves me. Do not go away again, Marie, I cannot spare +you, my time is so short. The lady out there, you know whom I mean, her +very voice pains me; her presence seems like a nightmare to me, but I +cannot bring myself to tell her so. I tried to hint to her that I +preferred remaining alone, but she answered that: patients were not +allowed to have a will of their own. Please remain with me, when you +are here I shall see and hear no one but you, and I promise never to +annoy you again." + +He talked on in this strain in so low and hurried a voice, that the +tears sprang to my eyes. I pressed his hand warmly and promised to do +all he wished. His face brightened in a moment. Then he lay quite still +and closed his eyes, so that I believed him to be asleep but when I +tried to draw away my hand, he glanced at me with a sad and pleading +look. At the end of half an hour, he really slept. I returned again to +the sitting-room where the lady sat on the sofa. She was knitting in +great wrath, and the poor meshes had to suffer for my offence. I +perceived that there was no time to be lost, so I told her with as much +consideration for her feelings as I could, that the patient was very +grateful to her for her kindness, but that he would not trouble her any +longer as I was going to nurse him with the help of his servant and of +the people who lodged him. "_You_, my dear?" she slowly asked, casting +an annihilating look at me. + +"Certainly," I replied quietly; "among all the visitors here I am the +nearest acquaintance Mr. Morrik has, and so we should both think it +strange if I left the duty of nursing him to an entire stranger, who +moreover has so many other charitable duties to fulfil." + +She stared at me as though my mind were wandering. + +"Is it possible," she at last said, "that you do not feel, that by this +step you will for ever ruin your already so much damaged reputation. +Are you related to him? Are you an old woman, who is above suspicion; +or are you in need of a nurse for yourself, my dear?" + +"I am perfectly aware of what I can do, and what I can answer for," I +said, "I regret that our opinions on the subject differ, but I cannot +change mine. I shall remain here; and certainly I cannot hinder you +from doing the same. Do not be uneasy about my reputation; I believe I +told you once before that I have closed with this world, and submitting +the case to a higher judge, I hope to be acquitted." She arose, took +her bonnet and said: "You will not expect me to remain in the same room +with a young lady whose moral principles so widely differ from mine, +and to sanction by my presence an intimacy which in every respect I +hold to be most reprehensible. Nothing remains for me but to hear from +the patient's own lips whether he desires my departure. If the doctor +should sanction this continual emotion for a patient suffering from +typhus fever, it is no business of mine." + +With these words, she moved towards the folding doors, but I quietly +stopped her and said: "Mr. Morrik sleeps, so I beg of you not to +disturb him; and from this sleep you may gain the tranquillizing +assurance, that my presence is rather beneficial to him than +otherwise." + +After these words we only exchanged a silent and formal curtsey, the +door closed on the deeply offended lady and a load fell from my heart. +I opened the door of the balcony which also leads into the garden, to +let out the odour of acetic ether which the lady without nerves had +brought here too. Then I looked round my new domain, and it pleased me +much. What a difference between this elegant, handsomely furnished, and +lofty apartment, and my own small room with its scanty furniture. Here, +his writing-table loaded with all the luxury of portfolios, inkstands, +and different trinkets; there, the shelves with his finely bound books; +the comfortable arm-chair, and above all the pleasure of breathing the +fresh air merely by stepping out on the balcony shaded by awnings from +whence a few steps lead into the garden. How sunny, sheltered, and +secluded it looked down there; only the splash of the fountain was +heard, and the lullaby song of a nurse who sat on a bench with a pretty +baby in her arms. + +I was so charmed with the peace of this abode that I actually forgot +who was lying in the next room in a feverish slumber. I was shocked at +having been led for a moment into this obliviousness. I stepped to the +door and listened. He called "Marie" in a low voice. When I looked in, +he said: "I heard all; you are my guardian angel; I owe you the first +refreshing slumber I have had for a fortnight."--"Sleep on," I replied, +"you are not to speak. Cheer up, and dream pleasantly." He nodded +faintly, and again closed his eyes. + +In the afternoon the doctor came. Him, at least, I must exempt from the +accusation I recently brought against all doctors; that of being bad +physicians for the soul. When I told him why I had remained, he smiled. +Has Morrik spoken to him of me? I do not think so. But what pleased him +more even than the departure of the life preserver, whose beneficial +influence on the nerves, he evidently doubts, was the fact that Morrik +had slept for three hours and that his pulse was calmer. + +When I accompanied him to the door, and ventured to ask him what he +thought would be the end of this illness, he shrugged his shoulders. +"The danger has not yet passed," was all he said. I had thought so. + +At seven o'clock I walked home; the servant watches by him during the +night. He slept when I went away, and did not even feel my hand when I +touched his before leaving. I will sleep now; I want to be at my post +early in the morning. For a long time I have not felt so peaceful and +calm as this evening. Now nothing can again estrange us. + + + The 13th. + +He woke in the night, and immediately asked for me. The servant could +hardly quiet him with the assurance that I would certainly return in +the morning. I found him much agitated; only after a long explanation, +in which he followed me with difficulty, did I succeed in convincing +him, that it must be so, that it was necessary that the day and night +watches should be relieved. "But if I should die in the night?" he +asked. "Then you will send for me, and I will come to you instantly." +When I had promised this, he went to sleep again. He does not eat a +morsel and his hands are fearfully thin. + +I am more convinced than ever that my presence tranquillizes him. The +afternoon passed very quietly. We did not speak to each other, but the +door between the two rooms was left open, so that he could see the +light of my lamp, and watch my shadow on the wall; he had expressly +desired this. + +I read for a long time, and listened to his breathing. No other sound +reached me. Only when I had to give him his medicines I went to him. +Then he always had some gay and affectionate words to say to me, but +without any tone of passion in them. + +"She is a fairy," he said to the doctor, "she makes even death appear a +festival to me. Formerly, doctor, I always felt inclined to say to you: +'That thou doest, do quickly.' But now it is of great moment to me that +you should prolong my life for a few days. I can never have enough, +even of your horrid potions, now that a good spirit gives them to me." + + + The 15th. + +Yesterday I could not write. He was much worse. To-day he is, at least, +not worse still; what a sad consolation! The hard frost continues. The +fountain in the garden is covered with ice, and not a flake of snow to +soften the piercing air, and to relieve the chest. I long for snow, for +I am convinced that he will not be better till the air softens. To-day +I stood for hours at his bedside, and he did not recognize me. In his +delirium, he talked of people and countries unknown to me, and then I +saw how little we really know of each other; and yet a moment later +when he called me by name, I felt how near and dear I was to him, and +that we do know of each other our best feelings and thoughts. All that +is really worth knowing. + + + The 19th January, 5 o'clock in the morning. + +I have just come home after four and twenty sleepless hours, and yet I +feel that no sleep is possible for me till my feelings are more calm +and collected, and I have expressed them in these leaves. I feel like +one who has been blind, and who struck by the first ray of light, is +made aware of his happiness by a dazzling pain. I will try to speak +connectedly, though what is the meaning of beginning, middle, end--what +is the significance of these words, when eternity has mingled with +time; when dying, one awakens to a new life, which is subject to time, +yet still bears the impress of eternity. + +These are but weak and unconnected words, and I wished to speak +clearly. + +The days which have passed since I last wrote have been so sad that I +could not speak of them. Yesterday evening when the doctor came quite +late, I had sent for him as my anxiety increased every hour, he did not +conceal his fears. "We must bring on a crisis," he said, "or he is +lost." They put him in a tepid bath and dashed cold water over him. +This excited him to such a degree that even through the closed doors, I +heard his groans and his loud and unintelligible exclamations. When he +had been again laid in his bed the doctor came to me. "I will remain +with him during the night," said the excellent man; "any blunder about +applications of ice might be of fatal consequence. You must go home and +rest, the day has been too fatiguing for you." I told him that even at +home I should find no rest, and would rather remain and watch with him. +He did not press me further as he saw that I was quite decided. Had I +not given my promise to Morrik that I would not be absent when his end +was approaching. So I sat down in an arm-chair at his writing-table and +took up a book only for the sake of holding on to something--to read +was impossible; for that a clear mind is required, and mine was clouded +over with a dark shadow, and all my attention was rivetted on the +sick-room where the doctor sat by his bed changing the compresses +himself, and only now and then giving the servant some order in a low +voice. The moans and the rambling indistinct words which broke from +those feverish lips cut me to the heart; this is still his voice I +thought, and these are, perhaps, the last words that he will ever speak +to me. I cannot understand their meaning, nor does he himself. Oh, what +a leave taking! + +I will not dwell on this scene; the remembrance, even, of that dreadful +time makes me shudder. We heard the hours strike from the church-tower; +ten, eleven o'clock, midnight.--In the next room stillness now +prevailed. I kept in my breath and listened anxiously, questioning +myself if this were a good or a bad sign. I tried to rise and creep to +the door to hear if he yet breathed, but I found that the agony of the +last hours had nearly paralyzed me, and I could not move. Or was it +only that I could not muster courage and nerve myself sufficiently to +face the dreadful certainty. + +Strange! I had thought myself quite familiarized with death, even if it +should approach the bedside of my dearest friend. And now, instead of +calmly facing it, I shivered with fear like a child in the dark. + +I know not if I could have endured these feelings much longer without +fainting, especially as I had not swallowed a morsel the whole of that +day. At last, just as my strength was giving way the bedroom door +opened, and the doctor came out quietly. "He is saved." + +The shock these words gave me was so great that I burst into a fit of +hysterical tears. The doctor sat down opposite me and said: "You weep, +Mademoiselle, and perhaps the word 'saved,' seems to you only as a +bitter mockery, when coupled with the name of a patient whose life was +despaired of before this last illness seized him. But it is just on +this illness that I found my hope of saving him. Nature has risked a +bold experiment and has succeeded. It is not the first time that I have +observed her employ this admirable device by which she first kindles a +conflict in the nervous and blood systems; and then summoning the last +vital powers, she combines all her forces to drive away the enemy who +had taken entire possession of the citadel. Now you will see that our +friend, if his convalescence after this fever proceeds without any +disturbance, will make rapid progress towards the full recovery of his +former health, which was once with reason despaired of. Now I can +safely send him to Venice in March, without any fear of his catching +the typhus there, as this fever seldom seizes the same person twice. +The soft sea air will be most beneficial to his lungs; and though I +never meddle with prophecies, I can say, almost with certainty, that +in this case--taking it for granted that no outward disturbance +occurs--our patient will in less than a year be as strong and healthy +as ever." + +A slight noise in the inner room, called the doctor again to his post. + +He stayed away only a few minutes, but at least I had time to become +more collected before he returned. Can I acknowledge even to myself +that this great revolution in all my ideas startled me more than it +pleased me? So he was to live, and I firmly believing that he was to +follow me into another world had as fully taken possession of his soul +as if it were written that we should only be separated for a short +time, and would part with the mutual wish of: A happy death to you! +instead of a happy life to you! + +Fortunately this selfish regret only lasted till the doctor returned, +and I could say with a heart full of pure joy and gratitude, Thank God, +he will live! He will once more enjoy his youth, his strength, his +plans, and his hopes! When the doctor was again beside me he said, +"They are both asleep: both master and servant. I settled the poor +fellow, who certainly has been greatly fatigued, more comfortably in +his armchair and he did not awake. It seems as if he knew that he is no +longer wanted, now that the crisis has passed, and nature herself has +taken charge of nursing the patient. I advise you to follow his example +Mademoiselle and to lie down on the sofa and go to sleep. I have kept a +cup of tea for myself and do not mind in the least remaining here till +morning, and will feast meantime on our friend's looks. I cannot let +you walk home in this cold winter night, you would by so doing risk all +the benefit you have obtained by your stay here." "Benefit!" I +exclaimed; "you must know that I have no illusions whatever with regard +to the state of my health. I am perfectly aware how little I have to +risk. If I have gained anything by my stay here it is only a reprieve +of a few days or weeks." + +"Pardon me," he said with a smile, "if I do not share your opinion. To +be sure we professional men are often worse prophets than the +uninitiated. At least we are less confident." + +As during the last few days I had written some letters at Morrik's +writing-table, I had brought with me the portfolio, in which I keep our +old doctor's drawing, I drew it from the portfolio, and handed it to +him. "Now you can convince yourself that I am only repeating the +prediction of one of your colleagues," and I told him how I had come to +Meran. + +The drawing appeared to make some impression on him. He shook his head +after looking at it, and then said, "I generally examine the patient by +auscultation myself before I give any opinion. You say that you have +spent the winter without any medical assistance or advice, and perhaps +you were right in doing so, for truly our power is very limited. Far be +it from me to force my opinion on you, but it would interest me greatly +to discover whether your looks, your movements, your voice, and your +pulse are only deceiving, or whether this drawing is to be relied on. +Would you let me ascertain this?" + +"I have no objection to it," I replied, "but you must permit me, +whatever the result may be, to have more faith in our old doctor than +in you." + +After auscultating me, he sat down for about ten minutes in front of +me, and after taking a long draught of tea, he answered my question as +to whether the drawing was not right after all. "I will not venture any +opinion on that subject; all I can say is, that if your lungs really +were in that state, then the Meran climate has worked wonders. We have +had several cases here, in which the patients sent to us had been given +up and were supposed to be in a hopeless state, yet those very patients +are enjoying life to this day, to their own and their doctor's +astonishment. The time you have staid here is however much too short to +have operated such a marvellous recovery, and so I have my doubts about +this drawing. I would even venture to say, if the assertion be not too +bold, that you have never had any inclination to disease of the lungs, +but that your illness is simply caused by great exhaustion of the +nervous system. You say that your doctor is an old practitioner, but +auscultation is a recent discovery and if Hippocrates and Galen had to +speak on the subject they would certainly commit themselves deeply. You +look incredulous dear Mademoiselle. Next year we will again speak of +this, for it will be most beneficial to your nervous system, which is +in a very irritable state, if you spend another winter here and only +visit your relations during the summer." + +Could he have assured me positively of all this and proved it by a +hundred scientific arguments it would have been in vain. I feel only +too well that it is impossible. We had a long dispute about it, and his +smilingly sarcastic tone, and confident manner made me at last lose all +patience, and I uttered all the invectives I had ever heard against his +profession, only exempting our dear old doctor from this sweeping +condemnation. It was rather curious to hear a patient quarreling with +his doctor for awarding life to him. But if life were again given back +to me, could I receive it thankfully as a blessing, would it not appear +only as a renewal of bondage after this short dream of freedom? + +I could not rest till I had then and there in the presence of the +doctor written to my old friend and besought him to come to my rescue; +and save me from this return to life into which they wished to delude +me. The day had not yet dawned, when the doctor and I left the house. +Morrik's servant was now awake, and his master slept, to awaken to a +renewed life. The doctor insisted on my ordering a sedan chair; but I +refused decidedly, and went to post my letter myself. I then begged the +doctor not to mention what had passed between us to any one, and above +all not to Morrik till I had received an answer. He promised it, and +smilingly took leave of me, after seeing me to the door of my lodgings. +As I toiled up the steep stairs, I again felt convinced that ere long I +should ascend them for the last time. + +The mountain tops are not yet red with the rising sun, the air is +foggy, and flakes of snow begin to fall. My room is comfortable and +warm, as the small stove does its duty. If I could but find sleep. This +mounting guard has been too heavy a service for the poor invalid. A +great battle has been won without him, and he himself has been deluded +with the hope of a victory the fruit of which he would not care to +enjoy. + + + January 30th. + +Yesterday, I remained at home, as I had rashly promised the doctor not +to leave my room till he gave his consent. He said that the honour of +science was at stake, if I brought to naught the opinion he had +pronounced, by my reckless enterprizes. It is also necessary for our +friend he added. + +This morning he came to see me. God be praised Morrik it seems, +improves rapidly. I dared not ask him if he had inquired for me, had +missed me. It appears that he eats and sleeps a good deal. + +Rain and snow help me to endure my imprisonment. I shall probably +remain at home for the whole of this week. I do not wish to meet +anyone. I feel a strange uncertainty and anxiety till the answer from +my friend arrives. + +I shall not know what face to put on when I meet my fellow creatures. +Shall I appear to them as one who after a short rest among them will +suddenly take up his staff again, or as one who has changed his mind +and is determined to remain. I feel restless and unsettled since that +conversation with Morrik's doctor. My home is neither in this world, +nor in the next; my mind is uneasy. I fancy that every one looks at me +suspiciously, as the police looks on a vagabond whose passport is not +in proper order, and who cannot state from whence he comes nor whither +he is going. And I shall have to pass another week in this disagreeable +state of bewilderment before I can receive an answer, even if he wrote +by return of post. + +To-day I ought to write to my father but I cannot bring myself to touch +a pen--my feelings are in such a sad state of confusion, often it +appears to me that my body and soul cry out to me "you _cannot_ live;" +then suddenly the blood flows again so warmly and vigorously through my +veins, that it seems to mock my aching heart, and worn out nerves. In +those moments I take out my drawing as if it were a sure bill of +exchange for a better world, but the doctor treated it with so little +respect, that even this paper has lost its tranquillizing power. +Formerly I was so sure that Death like grim Shylck would insist on the +acquittance of his bond, but now I begin to fear that favour, instead +of justice, will be shown me, but is it a favour to be restored to +captivity? + + + The 15th. + +Still no decision! This cold foggy weather continues. The only ray of +light in my gloomy existence are the daily tidings my landlady brings +me that Morrik's nights are good, and that he is gaining strength +rapidly. + +I must here confess a foolish action I have been guilty of. I have +bought a new dress, and a silk neckerchief, just as any other girl +might do. To be sure they were brought up to my room by a grey haired, +half blind pedlar; who came in with his packages dripping with the cold +damp fog. I pitied him when he resignedly tied them up again, after I +had told him that I should hardly wear out the dress I had on. But +could I not have given him some money, as a compensation for his +useless trouble. It is a very pretty summer dress. I wonder who will +enjoy all the blessings and riches of summer in it? + + + The 1st February. + +I have slept on it, and yet have not gained more composure. When the +letter arrived yesterday, I trembled so with excitement that I could +hardly open it, and then at first all the lines danced before my eyes. +When I had perused it all my ideas were in such a state of tumultuous +confusion that I thought I was going mad. Was it pleasure? was it +dread? was it self pity? No it was the certainty that we poor mortals +can have no firm and steadfast support in this unstable world. I +believed that I had at least one faithful, honest, intrepid friend; and +he too has deceived me. I fancied that at least my own unbiassed +instincts, and presentiments could not mislead me, and I find that they +too had conspired against me. + +But the more I read this letter the less angry I feel with him. I will +destroy the answer I had begun in the first impulse of my +disappointment. He meant it well, and has done his duty as a doctor but +I always come back to my old maxim, that all of them are bad physicians +for the soul. Did he consider before trying this energetic cure +whether, though it might succeed with the body, it might not do +irreparable mischief to the soul; or had he kept some "heroic remedy" +as he calls it, also for that case. He knows me well--could he not have +known me somewhat better? He is right in saying that without this +deception I never would have consented to leave my home, my family; and +never would have freed myself from those depressing bonds which wore +out my life, never have allowed myself the rest which was so necessary +for my recovery. + +Was it not principally to spare my dear father, who already has so many +cares, the additional one of seeing me die without the possibility of +saving me, that induced me to leave him. + +I would certainly have forced myself to look happy, and to submit to my +destiny till I had made myself ill beyond human aid. He knew what +suited my character when he deceived me in this cruel way. I have ever +preferred the most dreadful certainty to a hopeful uncertainty. If +peace and quiet were the only remedies which could strengthen my +suffering nerves, and ward off the menacing disease from my oppressed +chest, then I could only be saved by the firm belief that I was doomed. +And the undecided wavering hope of life would only have aggravated my +illness. + +How artfully the crafty, malicious, cruel friend brought about what he +thought good for me. This drawing, with; what seeming reluctance he put +it in my hands, in order that I might have impressed on my mind a fixed +tangible vision of my danger, that I might be well armed against all +rising hopes, all glimmering wishes. Then his exhortation not on any +account to consult a doctor who would certainly only seek to delude me, +to spare my feelings, in the way all medical men treated their +patients. His emotion when I left, his praise of my firmness and +self-command--Still I cannot bear him ill-will. He does not know what +sort of life it was, he sought to give back to me, by this stratagem. +After having resigned it, it appears so paltry and valueless; how painful +it is to me to begin anew with all the trifles of this world to which I +had already become dead, and to bear what now seems doubly odious to me +after having lived in a higher and nobler sphere; to fall back into the +dreary drudgery of a girl's life; to be once more tied down to the +narrow, commonplace customs and prejudices of a small town; to be +observed, judged and pitied by one's so-called friends, who know so +little of the characters of their acquaintances, that they invariably +mistake their good qualities for their bad ones. + +I must cease! my thoughts are lost in the deep gloom of a sunless +future, in which the dear faces of my father and Ernest are the only +bright spots. + +What radiance streamed from the open gate, the entrance of which was +guarded by the angel of death. + + + February the 3rd. + +The doctor has just left me. He has taken the letter with him, as he +thinks it very remarkable, and says he has not yet met with such a +thorough physiologist as my old friend. Perhaps he wishes to show the +letter to Morrik. From him not a word; I did not like to question the +doctor, as I had heard in the morning, that he was getting on well, and +yesterday for the first time, enjoyed the warm sunshine on his balcony. + +To-day I fancied the doctor was very absent hurried, and mysterious; I +had to ask him if he permitted me to walk out. He nodded, and said; +"Mind you do not agitate yourself by any exciting conversation." With +whom should I speak? + +So I must begin life again, where, and under what circumstances? I +should like to keep a school; but here the people are all Roman +Catholics. + +Leave these dear mountains, and return to that dull town to look again +on the monotonous faces of its inhabitants with their air of self +importance, the obtrusiveness of which disturbs my very dreams. However +I cannot leave my father. Fortunately he has not been duped as I have +been. He agreed to the stratagem of our malicious friend. + +It appears strange that Morrik should not have made the slightest +inquiry, or sent any friendly greeting to me. He probably feels that +there must be some change in our relations to each other, as it is +decided that we are both to live. But some acknowledgement of our +former friendship.... or does he not feel the pain and bitterness of +having found each other, only to lose one another again for ever. + +The doctor says that so severe a crisis often changes the whole nature, +and so his soul which has arisen renewed, and invigorated from the +paroxysm of fever, has probably kept no remembrance of his companion on +the road to death. Well I must submit to it. + +Let him forget me; I will always remain to him what I have been. + + + The 5th--Morning. + +Received a letter from my father congratulating me. I shed tears over +it. Whilst every one was condoling with me I felt happy, and now that I +am again given back to life, and ought to rejoice I feel wretched. + +These desolate winter-days, the sun shining with the heat of spring, +make me feel miserable in body and soul; it is but a sterile.... + + + February the 6th. + +Yesterday amidst all my hopelessness, a spark of courage kindled within +me. I left my writing and walked to the window. I felt heartily ashamed +of my cowardice, my grief, and my ingratitude towards God. + +What had become of the sentence which I had once so valiantly used as +the theme for a sermon? "For I was made man; and that means that I have +striven." + +The wings of angels which I had expected are not to be mine yet. I must +still be up and doing, and if necessary, must work my way through the +world with these mortal arms of mine, and be thankful if some day I +should be able to twine them round a dear friend and there find rest. + +The remembrance that I had once approached a higher sphere and had +learnt to know it, or at least to anticipate it, will always remain +with me for good and for evil. For good, as I carry away with me an +everlasting treasure of golden thoughts; for evil, as many things which +formerly I should have deemed riches, will now appear insufficient to +me. Yet I would not spare the past. + +I have written to my old friend this morning and have reconciled myself +with him; and now I will try to be reconciled to myself, for I was +justly angry with my own weakness. Must I not be at peace with myself, +before I can once again engage in the battle of life. + + + The 8th February. + +And where is the free and happy mortal who is permitted to glide +through life as on wings, whose forehead reaches the clouds, who can +say that the dust on the road of life has not touched his soul, no +barrier hemmed in his steps, or obstructed his sight, that every hour +he feels within him an eternal bliss and freedom. To few mortals has +fate awarded such a lot as awaits Morrik after his heavy trials. My +heart beats with joy when I think of the brilliant future that lies +before him. How little I grudge him his happiness; I rejoice in it. It +seems strange to me, that only a fortnight has passed since I stood +beside his bed. How much has occurred since then! When he hears my +name, he will perhaps look up wonderingly, and try to recollect where +he met me. + +Here I sit thinking and planning for his future, like an old woman who +after many long years is told that a friend of her youth has thriven +and prospered in life, and who says: "He has well deserved it; his +character was noble and generous; I knew him well when I was young!" + + + The 12th February. + +The wisest thing I now can do is honestly to confess my folly and then +have a good laugh at myself. How long is it since I again resolved to +be a true combattant? And now? What a heroic achievement to lay down my +arms and run away without having even the courage to desert, but to +lose heart when half way, and turn back again. Well done brave warrior! +If I did not look on the whole thing from a ludicrous point of view, I +should feel deeply ashamed of myself. + +Well this afternoon the air was so warm and springlike that the sun +drove me from my customary lonely walk on the Küchelberg. Not a breeze +stirred, the lizards whisked about as gaily as in summer, and there is +no foliage to afford shade; the tendrils which were formerly trained +into cooling bowers have probably a good reason of their own for not +budding as yet. + +I turned back, and for the first time for many days ventured on the +Wassermauer, which was not much frequented. + +My heart beat as though everyone already knew that I had slipped into +the society of the doomed, under false colours, and had been sent back +with a protest. + +I tried to find a ready answer in case anybody should ask me; "and so +you have changed your mind, and are not going to die?" All the small +sins I had committed in the belief that it was pardonable to gratify +every wish, as the wish of one dying, rose in array against me. How +impolite, how regardless of giving offence I had been to every one for +whose good opinion I did not care. There is that stout old gentleman +with a small thermometer in his button-hole, who fastens or unfastens +one of the buttons of his overcoat at every degree more or less of +cold. At first he had lectured me about my health, and I had not only +continued my imprudent courses but even, when I once met the fat +philanthropist, unconsciously let down my veil, to his great +astonishment. There is that young girl, with whom I never exchanged +another word, because after the first quarter of an hour of our +acquaintance she kissed me, and read aloud a poem which her brother had +composed. There is that lady with her two big mustachioed sons, who +with great foresight, had cautioned me against any flirtation with +them, and after all was much offended when I followed her advice and +turned my back on them; and above all the poor little chronicler of +scandal, who can now only come out by means of an arm-chair, but still +has strength enough left to rejoice over the weaknesses of her fellow +creatures. What a character she will give me, when she arrives in the +next world before me! Well I hope He who judges up yonder will be more +lenient than the good people here below. I was thinking over all this, +and feeling very much provoked at my own paltry cowardice which seemed +to flourish again and prevented me from attaining the indifference and +disdain with which I had formerly looked down on the life here, when I +reached the Winter garden, and glancing along the benches and arbours, +what I saw there put the finishing stroke on my remaining courage. +There sat bolt upright, and expanding around her the skirts of a +dazzling toilette, the lady without nerves, and beside her, silently +looking on the ground, and perfectly restored--Morrik! She was eagerly +talking to him, and he listened patiently, a kind smile even +brightening his face. I grudged her that smile, as I would have done to +no one else. I cannot express the misery I felt, the longing to be +away, never to see, or be seen of them again; never to be forced to +speak indifferently to those with whom, in the presence of death, I had +exchanged words full of weal or woe. + +I fled across the bridge, and along the highroad which leads through +the beautiful valley of the Adige, and after passing several villages +reaches Botzen sixteen miles off. I soon left the first village of +Untermais behind me, and then sat down on a bench, and there collected +my thoughts sufficiently to devize a plan, which though wiser than the +rest was still exceedingly foolish. If I walk on for several hours, I +thought, I shall reach Botzen to-day, and probably some carriage or +omnibus may overtake me, and give me a lift. Once at Botzen, I can +write to the people with whom I lodged, and apprize them that I was +forced to leave suddenly, send them some money, and beg them to pack my +things and forward them to me. By so doing, I should never again see +them all, and should avoid the trials and pain of leave taking in case +anyone should care about my departure--at least it will not trouble my +rest. And who will care? Perhaps the doctor, and I can write to him. I +need not be uneasy about _him_ whom I once called my friend. He must +have _quite_ recovered, if he can sit beside the lady without nerves, +and smile when she speaks to him in her shrill voice. When I had taken +this resolution, I felt quite satisfied, at least I fancied that I was +so; so I walked bravely on towards the south, and tried to enjoy the +fine scenery around me; the green meadows, the bare rugged mountains +with the snow glittering on their summits, the picturesque houses of +the peasants, the vineyards, the rushing streams which I passed on my +way, and above all, I tried to rejoice in the thought that I had now +put an end to all my doubts and cares, and had depended on no one but +myself. It seemed quite a relief to return home, and to hide my broken +wings. They had been too weak to soar aloft, and had not borne the test +of freedom. Is not that a common misfortune among caged birds? + +The sun had now set. I had passed a village the name of which I did not +know, and had there drunk a small glass of wine as, I was shivering in +my light cloak. The air was sharper than was agreeable to a patient +spoiled by the warm sun of Meran. I became more and more uneasy as I +wandered alone, along the highroad, in the twilight. I often looked +back to see if nothing was coming that might give me a lift. An omnibus +passed me, but it was crowded with smoking peasants, and did not look +inviting. + +After having walked on for another hour, nearly famished, and with no +shelter in view, the brave heroine who had formed such daring projects, +sat down on a stone by the way-side, and had a good cry, like any other +baby which had strayed from its home. Truly death is easy, and life is +hard! + +Heaven knows what would have become of me had not a lucky chance, no, +it was kind Providence, taken compassion on me. Suddenly I heard the +rolling of a light cart, and the crack of a whip, and looking up I +recognized in the charioteer, my friend of the Küchelberg, Ignatius. + +After scanning the lonely figure, with sharp eyes he pulled up. A +touching scene of recognition took place, which ended by Ignatius +lifting me into his cart, and driving me homewards. He had concluded +some wine business in Vilpian and was in high spirits. He was quite +satisfied with my declaration, that lost in thought, I had walked on +and so strayed far from Meran. There I sat wrapped up in coverings, and +conveyed home as speedily as possible. Fortunately we did not approach +Meran before dark, and did not meet anyone except the doctor, who came +out of a house just as we were passing through Untermais, and who +little suspected who was hiding from him in that cloak and veil. During +the drive, kind Ignatius gave me a detailed description of his conjugal +felicity, with a freedom of expression which I had to pardon on account +of the wine of Vilpian which had loosened his tongue. "Certainly," he +remarked, "Liesi still had her old propensity for setting down and +knowing better; but he had at last come to the conclusion that she +really _did_ know better. A single person did so many foolish things, +but when two kept house together all was quite different. Where one was +at fault, the other succeeded, and two pair of eyes saw just twice as +sharp as a single pair could do. Then his Liese was so handy and clever +in every respect, just as he had always wished his wife to be. She +always had a kind word for him, in short, life seemed a paradise to him +since his marriage." Once he asked after the gentleman who had been +with me at Schönna. When I told him that he had quite recovered his +former health, he hummed a song, and nodded and winked at me so +mischievously that I got quite angry. + +The good people with whom I lodge, stared in astonishment when I told +them how far I had wandered. I then informed them that I would leave +after another week. I have been told that the passage over the Brenner +is now free from snow and the cold is not very keen. I must take +advantage of this early, and probably transient, spring for my passage +over the Alps.... + +I now make a solemn vow that to-morrow I will do public penance for my +childish flight of to-day. I will walk on the Wassermauer, speak to my +few acquaintances and tell them how marvellously I have recovered my +health. I will confront even the lady without nerves, and see if I +cannot be restored to her favour. It would have been really too +disgraceful if I had reached Botzen. To run away like a rogue who dares +not look an honest man in the face. Then I quite forgot too that this +diary would have remained here, and who knows into whose hands it might +have fallen. + + + The next day--Spring has burst forth. + +Can one write down what the heart can neither seize, nor comprehend? I +will try. + +When I rose in the morning I did not in the least fear all the trials +which this day would bring me, all the test of courage I should have to +undergo in front of the enemy. Had I known what bliss was awaiting me, +I should have perhaps run away overpowered by its greatness. Yesterday +I wrote that life was hard to bear; but hardest of all for a poor weak +heart to bear, is great happiness when it has never before tasted it +from youth upwards, and is then suddenly crushed and overpowered by its +weight. It cannot cease to ask itself, "Will it not be taken from me +before my strength is equal to it?" There is one comfort however in +this, that no true happiness has to be borne alone. This deep and +heartfelt bliss can only be given us by a fellow creature, who in +bestowing it on us, shares it with us. There lie the first violets they +too bear witness to the spring which has this day come to me. I had a +refreshing rest after my long wandering of yesterday; softly rocked to +sleep by a conscience which had grown quite easy since I had firmly +resolved not to be ashamed before the world of the crime I had +committed in returning to life. + +When I rose the day was far advanced. While dressing my hair before the +glass I perceived that my colour was returning, and when I put on my +dress, I remarked that I could no longer wear my funereal clothes; they +have become much too tight for me and confine my chest. The old hoary +headed pedlar came in good time! It is long since I have had a fit of +vanity. But if one is to live, why not do like other women? When I had +done plaiting my hair, I came to the conclusion that after all, I did +not look so very old. I do not know how it happened, but my thoughts +then suddenly turned to the young Pole, and I began to consider what +charm was attached to me, that anyone could fall in love with, at ten +paces distance. Probably it is all a matter of taste. + +For the first time I was ashamed of my old-fashioned clothes, and when +putting on my hat, determined to have a new ribbon for it, before I +ventured out on my thorny walk among the strangers. And so it came to +pass that as I was going to leave my room, my head filled with finery +like that of a silly Miss in her teens, the door opened and in walked +Morrik. I verily believe that he had forgotten to knock. I was somewhat +startled, but he did not seem to notice it. He was quite absent and +shy. + +He did not even sit down, but walked at once to the window, and admired +the view; then examined the writing-table, and talked about rococo +furniture with the air of a connoisseur. All at once he burst forth, +and begged my pardon for the liberty he had taken in calling on me, but +that he was starting for Venice tomorrow morning, and wished to take +leave of me. He wanted also to excuse himself to me and to thank me. + +I sat down on the little sofa, and could find no word in reply but: +"Won't you sit down." I still had my hat on which did not appear very +hospitable but he seemed to think of nothing but how to express in +words, what weighed on his mind. + +"What must you have thought of me," he at last said, "when you neither +saw nor heard anything of me, after that night when you, and the doctor +watched by my bedside. But I am not quite so bad, so heartless, so +ungrateful, as you must have supposed me. The truth is that I can +recollect no more of what happened during my illness than I can +remember of an uneasy dream. I certainly fancied that I had seen you at +my bedside, that I had received the medicines from your hands, and that +it was you who had arranged my pillows. I had also a vague impression +of some strange scene between you and my bête noire, the lady without +nerves. But when I had considered it all, it appeared to me, so strange +that I quickly banished it from my mind. Had I not received the letter +from you, in which you so seriously and decidedly bade me farewell. To +be sure your landlady came daily to inquire for me, but then many other +persons did the same. Why should you not have been civil, though +everything was at an end between us. So I feared to act against your +stringent orders, by trying once more to approach you. I even doubted +whether you would not consider it as an offence if I were to write a +line to you before leaving, and send you a bouquet as is customary in +this country. You will now understand my astonishment when having +accidentally met the life preserver, I heard from her that all that had +seemed to me a dream, had actually taken place; that you had really +been my deliverer and faithful guardian, and with noble generosity, had +taken pity on my sufferings and not resented all that had estranged us, +and had so suddenly put an end to the bright and happy days of yore. +Now I can hardly thank you sufficiently. I feel quite unhappy, and +bewildered when I think of the past. I wished to tell you so yesterday, +and to clear up all that must have seemed incomprehensible to you, but +you were out when I called. Were you not told that I had been here +twice? Perhaps you would rather leave everything unexplained, as it was +before; quite without my knowledge and will. Your interest was only for +the dying man. Now that it is decided that I am to live, I am perhaps +quite as much estranged from you as when I rashly uttered the words +that pained you so much. Well, I am to leave Meran to-morrow, and you +will be freed from the constraint which my presence has caused you." + +What I answered; what he said, when he spoke again; how it came that +his hand held mine, and that he again called me "Marie," as he formerly +had done, how can I tell? + +The air seemed suddenly filled with intoxicating music, my eyes were +dazzled with the rays of heavenly light which appeared to stream +through the room. How long this ecstasy lasted I know not; all I know +is that Eternity opened before me. I had died happy and without agony, +and now I was awakened to a new life, in heaven and yet in this world; +dead to all the small cares and faintedheartedness of human life, and +arisen to the full glory of peace, everlasting trust, and the eternal +knowledge of the truth. + +"Come," he said at last, "you are ready for a walk; let us make our +bridal visits." + +I took his arm, and he first led me across the passage into the +workshop of my landlord, where the good old Meister and his apprentices +stared at us, and the Frau Meisterin hearing the news, rushed into the +room, with a frying pan, which she was just going to put on the fire, +still in her hand; she loudly sang my praises, and congratulated Morrik +on having secured such a treasure as a wife, till I at last burst out +laughing through my tears. Then we walked through the town, and he now +and then entered a shop, and bought most useless things only for the +pleasure of saying. "Send it to the lodgings of my betrothed, you know +the house of the tailor, three stairs high, next door to heaven," and +he said it all with perfect gravity. + +When we arrived on the Wassermauer, all the strangers were assembled as +if by appointment. The band was playing, and for the first time, it +seemed to me, that the instruments were in tune, and the musicians +keeping time. + +At first I felt rather embarrassed, as all eyes were upon me, but that +soon passed off, and I was infinitely amused to see how amiable and +friendly every one had suddenly become, and how pleased I was with +them. We first turned to the life preserver, and actually something +like a tear glistened in her small unmeaning eyes when Morrik kissed +her hand and told her she was as yet the only woman who had made me +jealous. This speech procured me a gracious kiss on the forehead and +the assurance that my behaviour was to be overlooked in consideration +of my jealousy, and weak nerves. Then came the lady with her two smart +sons, the sister with her brother the poet and even the fat gentleman +with the thermometer at his button-hole. From them all we received +congratulations, and they all assured us that they had known it long +ago; to which Morrik answered that in that case they had known more +than we ourselves had done; he even joked with the little _chronique +scandaleuse_, who alone persisted in treating me with icy coldness. To +a child who offered me a bunch of violets he gave his whole purse. The +sun shone, the trumpets seemed to call the spring from its winter +sleep. And yonder in the churchyard where I had chosen a sunny little +corner for my grave, the flowers were blooming, as if after having +taught us to live, death had disappeared for ever. + +After that, we sat together for a long time and only took leave of each +other when the sun was setting. + +"Darling," he said, "I have solemnly promised our tyrant the doctor, +not to see you again before next spring. Nothing he says is so +pernicious to the health of convalescents as a long betrothal between +two solitary young people. That was the reason he would never speak out +about your nursing me in my fever; although I several times very +plainly alluded to it. But you have learned how to write as I know to +my own cost, and so we shall still be united. How I shall rejoice at +the first letter from you which does not speak of leave taking but of +meeting, never to be parted again; not of death, but of a life full of +happiness." + +We were standing on the stairs in the twilight. We clasped each other's +hands and promised to bear this last trial cheerfully. I pressed him +once more to my heart before I had to surrender him again; but we both +firmly trusted that He who had granted us this happiness would also +grant us a future to enjoy it. We shall not in vain have passed from +death to life.... + +I now close this journal: I will send it to you to-day, my dearest +friend, perhaps it may amuse you to peruse it on your lonely journey +when your thoughts are with me. Is not all I possess, are not all my +thoughts yours for ever? The pages contain your name more than once. +May it be a clear mirror in which our united images are reflected. I +lay this poem between the leaves, I have copied it for you, and have +placed beside it one of the violets you gave me to-day. When they bloom +again, we shall be once more united, if God permits it--and He _will_ +permit it.-- + + Thou shall't not weep but gladdened be + And bless thyself at noon, at night, + When free thy soul with wond'ring glee + Shall joyful taste love's deep delight. + + Of life, the tumult all is o'er; + No sounds to us from earth can soar, + As heav'nward now our eyes we raise, + And on the glorious stars we gaze. + + Softly the waves of peace shall flow + O'erwhelming every grief at last; + And to our senses the bright glow + Of endless love o'er all is cast. + + + + + + + BEATRICE. + + + + + + BEATRICE. + + +Night was far advanced and yet we three sat together in the cool +summer-house, conversing over some bottles of wine from Asti, which we +had discovered by a lucky chance, and were now emptying to the health +of our friend who had just returned from Italy. He was, by several +years, our senior, and had reached man's estate, when we first met him +twelve years ago, on our southern journey. His manly appearance, the +nobility of his demeanour, and a certain pensive charm in his smile had +attracted us from the first. His conversation, his universal knowledge, +and the unassuming way in which he displayed it, confirmed us in our +first impressions, and at the end of the three weeks, which we passed +together in Rome, we were united in as firm a friendship as ever +existed between men of such different ages. Then he suddenly left us; +he was summoned back to Geneva, where he was at the head of a large +commercial establishment. + +During the succeeding years we never missed an opportunity of meeting +again, so he had not hesitated this time to take the longer route +through our town for the sake of spending twenty-four hours in our +company. + +We found him unchanged in his outward appearance; he was still a +handsome man, his hair was hardly sprinkled with grey; his high +forehead was white and smooth, but he was more silent than formerly. +Sometimes he was so absent that he did not hear our questions, but +apparently absorbed in his own thoughts gazed at the wine-bubbles in +his glass, or holding a lump of ice to the candle watched it slowly +melting. We hoped to render him more communicative by making some +inquiries respecting his last journey, but finding that even this +favourite theme could not arouse him we left him to himself, and kept +up the conversation between us, happy to have him at least in the body +with us, and patiently waiting for the time when his spirit also should +return. + +In the meantime I poured forth all the ideas which had lately occupied +my mind. They were crude and superficial and would at any other time +have provoked a contradiction from our friend who was a sharp and keen +logician. The condition of the Italian theatre had given occasion to +this discussion. I maintained that it was not in any way surprising if +the Italians, in spite of all their pathos and passion, could not equal +the dramatic literature of Greece, England, and Germany; nor does it +stand higher in France and Spain, formerly so renowned for dramatic +glory. The temperament of the Latin races, their nature and +cultivation, are so restrained by conventionalities that the tragic +element which consists in concentrating all our interest in one single +individual is quite unintelligible to them. Nor do they venture to +liberate themselves from the trammels of form and give free course to +the spontaneous accents of nature which can alone awaken a tragic awe +in our hearts. + +Like every conversation on elevated subjects which does not blindly +grope on the surface of a question, so the present one soon led us to +the discussion of the most mysterious depths of human nature. + +Whilst Amadeus drew figures with his silver pencil in the spilt wine, +Otto warmly defended the conventionalism I had condemned, and +maintained that even fiction should be subjected to strict moral laws. +My proposition that the drama should deal with individual, and +exceptional cases, rather than with generalities, and exalt natural +laws above social ones, seemed to him pernicious and full of danger, +for, he said, the conception of a dramatic crime would then be like the +harbouring of a demon in our bosom, instigating to the contempt and +intolerance of every thing that clashed with our individual feelings +and passions. You would thereby destroy the whole social system, which +after all must have some reason for existing, in favour of the +boundless liberty of the individual. The only merit you appear to +recognize in poetry is that which is beyond the pale of every law. I +tried to make him understand that the point in question did not only +apply to the collision of the drama with outward forms; in a word that +heroic and noble souls were wont to solve the problems of duty, +otherwise than those timorous and commonplace formalists who are always +restrained by petty customs and considerations. Highly gifted natures, +who set an example proportionate to their inward strength and +greatness, extend by their actions the limits of the moral sphere; and +just so, the artist of genius breaks through, or at least extends the +limits that confine his art. + +If those noble souls are often actuated by pride and excessive +self-reliance, do they not atone for it by their tragical end? at least +in the eyes of those formalists who regard life as the most precious of +gifts, and who for that reason will never engage in any action, or be +led away by any opinion, which according to the laws of society must +end in death. Such, however, as are capable of understanding the +thoughts and feelings by which those noble natures are impelled, will +never resign the right of exalting them, for they cannot be meted with +the common measure of morality. They who condemn as immoral, what in +our wretched and deficient social organisation ought only to be +considered as the sacred self-defence of free and strong characters, +will never be sensible of the beautiful, or sympathize with what is +generous, they will only discern what is profitable. + +Thus had I spoken when suddenly Amadeus looked up from his reverie and +stretched out his hand to me across the table. + +"Thank you," he said, "for these true and noble words you have spoken; +they have pleased me much. Amongst us there can be no difference of +opinion as to the fact that custom is not the true standard of +morality, and that the mission which poetry fulfils lies beyond the +pale of human ordinances. I only protest against your assertion that +the deficiency of great tragical poets in Italy is to be accounted for +by the conventional fetters which restrain the character of the nation. +As if capacity of mind, fancy, morality, and the sense of the beautiful +must necessarily be equally developed; as if the one did not often +outstrip the other. + +"If a great tragic genius, such as they once possessed in Alfieri were +to be born again to the Italians, the spirit of the nation would not be +slow to welcome him, and academic prejudices of style, could no more +keep their ground, than enforced conformity to the law can oppose the +rights and duties of a free born soul. + +"No," he continued, visibly moved, and the tears glistening in his +eyes, "the hollow pathos of their tragedies is not the touchstone by +which we can judge the soul of that noble nation. I cannot hear you +say this without protesting against it, for if ever there existed a +self-dependent character, in feelings, and actions; that character was +my wife's, and she was an Italian." + +He paused, while we sat mute and breathless with surprise. Though we +had always presumed ourselves to be well acquainted with him, and all +related to him, we now heard for the first time that he had been +married to a woman he so highly esteemed, and yet whose existence he +had concealed as one conceals a wrong. He rose and paced the narrow and +now dusky room, and we did not disturb him either by questions or +inquiring looks. + +At last he stood still, and began in his deep and mellow voice: "I +never told you this because the remembrance of it has always +overpowered me, and the mere recalling of these events caused me a +fever which laid me prostrate for a week. Still it always seemed to me +as if I were wronging you, when I used jestingly to evade your +railleries on my bachelorhood. Believe me, it was principally to +redress this wrong, that I sought your society when I this time +returned from my yearly visit to her grave. Let me therefore simply +tell you all that my heart dictates to me; but first I must open this +casement; the air here is so oppressive that I breathe with difficulty. +So, now, go on with your cigars and your wine, while I walk up and +down. + +"A quarter of a century has passed since those events, yet they are as +present to my memory as if they had happened only yesterday; they will +not let me rest." + +What he confessed to us in that night, till the day dawned--and even +then we could not part--I wrote down the following day, keeping as much +as possible to his own words. Then I little thought that they were to +be his last ones, his last bequest. He had rightly judged of the power +these recollections still exercised over him; they brought on a fever, +which clung to him during his homeward journey, and was aggravated by +his exertions during a night conflagration, and a few weeks after our +meeting the news reached us that we had then seen him for the last +time. + +The following record is now doubly precious to me, and I can with +difficulty bring myself to allow indifferent eyes to peruse his secret. +Then again I feel it a duty to bring to light the strange fate of those +two hearts. Are not the expressions of noble and generous souls the +rightful property of humanity?... + + + * * * * * + + +I had reached my twenty-fifth year when my father died. Standing at his +death-bed, after witnessing his painful agony, it seemed to me that ten +years had passed over my head. My only sister who was very dear to me, +had shortly before married a young agent of our establishment, a +Frenchman, whose family had long ago settled at Geneva, and who now +entered into partnership with our firm. + +He was like a brother to me, and so when he and my sister urged me to +travel for several months with the hope of rallying my depressed +spirits, I took their advice in this, as in all things, and set out on +my journey, the more readily that I felt how necessary to me was some +outward diversion to my thoughts. + +The change of scene soon realized the hopes of my relations. Youth and +vitality were restored. I was again able to enjoy the beauties of +nature, and my taste for the fine arts, which had been awakened by my +former journeys through France and Germany and now found ample food in +Venice and Milan, whither I at first directed my steps, intending to +proceed southwards by slow journies. + +Above all I was impatient to reach Florence. The marvels I expected to +find there caused me to look with indifference on the many beauties of +art which I met with on my way thither. Thus I reserved only one day +for Bologna, where I took a hasty survey of the churches and galleries +in the morning, and in the afternoon I drove out to the old convent of +St. Michele at Bosco, in order to quiet my conscience by obtaining a +complete view of the wonderful old town from the summit of the hill. + +It was one of the hottest days in midsummer, and though I am generally +little affected by any temperature, yet the suffocating air on that +occasion completely overpowered and exhausted me. The road which leads +from St. Michele back to the town was entirely deserted. Above the +walls of the gardens the trees and bushes projected their dusty boughs. +The wheels of the carriage sank deeply into the burning sand. The +coachman drowsily nodded on his seat, and with difficulty kept his +balance. The tired horse crawled with drooping head and ears along the +edge of the road, in the hope of enjoying the scanty shade which now +and then was cast across it by a villa, or a garden-wall. I had +stretched out my weary limbs along the back seat of the carriage, and +after forming a tent above my head by means of my umbrella I fell into +a dose. + +Suddenly I was roused from my repose by a rough blow on my face, as if +some overhanging bough had grazed me as I passed. I started up, and +looking around, discovered a blooming spray of pomegranate lying beside +me. Evidently it had been thrown at me over the neighbouring wall. The +movement I had made seemed to be a signal to the horse to stop. The +coachman quietly slept on, so I had ample leisure to examine the spot +from whence the branch had been thrown at me. I did so all the more +carefully that I had heard from behind the high garden wall a +suppressed girlish titter at the success of the merry trick. I was not +deceived; after waiting a few moments, standing upright in the +carriage, and stedfastly gazing at the wall, I perceived a curly head +shaded by a large florentine straw hat, arise from behind it. A pair of +dark eyes, sparkling with fun underneath the solemn eyebrows, turned +towards me, and seemed to regard me as some strange animal. But when I +raised the sprig of pomegranate, and pressing it to my lips, waved it +towards the young waylayer, a deep blush suffused her face, and in the +next moment the fair vision had disappeared, so that without the branch +in my hand I should probably have believed it to be a dream. I left the +carriage and pensively walked along the side of the wall, till I +reached a high trellised gate which closed the entrance to the garden. +Between the old iron bars of massive mediæval workmanship, I could +perceive a part of the grounds of the house which stood with closed +Venetian blinds among groups of elm-trees and acacias. I shook the lock +of the gate, but it would not open; my hand had already grasped the +bell rope, when I was seized with sudden shyness at the thought of +entering these strange premises. What a figure I should cut were I +asked the reason of my intrusion. So I contented myself with patiently +waiting for several minutes in the hope of once more seeing the +youthful thrower of sprigs. In the meantime I scanned the house, which +was in no way remarkable, as attentively as if I had intended to draw +it from memory. At last the heat of the sun became unbearable, and I +returned to my umbrella tent. This roused the coachman, he jerked the +reins and away we crawled; I with my head still turned backwards, +though no trace of the fair one was to be discovered. + +When I reached the hotel of the three pilgrims, a heavy shower +freshened the oppressive air, and during the night the streets were so +deliciously cool and damp, that I never wearied of sauntering through +the long arcades, now stopping to drink a glass of iced water at some +coffee house; now admiring the portal of some church in the dim light +of the lamps. But in spite of the fatigue caused by this continual +walking and standing, I could find no rest till the morning dawned. I +would not believe that it was the fair young face that kept me awake, +though it continually rose before my eyes. I had always considered it a +fable that the spark from a single glance could set fire to the heart, +so I believed my restlessness to be caused by overstrained nerves. + +The next morning however when my hotel bill which I had ordered the +evening before was brought to me, I perceived, now that departure was +at hand, how painful it was to tear myself, away. I became pensive; +then I suddenly recollected that a friend of our firm lived in Bologna +whom I ought to visit. Generally my conscience was not over sensitive +in these matters, but now it seemed to me that this civility was of +great importance. I also reproached myself for the superficial way in +which I had looked at Raphael's St. Cecilia, not to mention several +other sins of omission. I discovered that Bologna was a most remarkable +town, and that after all Florence would always remain within reach. + +I finally succeeded in persuading myself that the pretty thrower of +flowers had not the slightest share in this sudden change in my plans. +Strange to say the outlines of her face, when I tried to recall them +vanished more, and more from my mind, and at last I could only remember +the expression of her eyes. During the day time while I fulfilled my +duties as a tourist, I did not feel any particular agitation, but when +the intense heat had subsided, and I directed my steps towards the +villa, as though it were a matter of course, I felt a strange +uneasiness, and I can even now recollect the songs which I sang to +raise my spirits. + +I soon reached the spot and found everything just as I had seen it +yesterday. The house looked more cheerful, now that the Venetian blinds +were drawn up, and on the balcony stood a little dog, who when he saw +me stop at the gate, barked furiously. I could not muster courage to +ring the bell. It seemed as if a secret presentiment warned me, and I +almost wished never to see that fair face again, and to depart early +next morning with an unscathed heart. Nevertheless I once more walked +round the boundary wall which extended for some distance, and was +bordered on the further side by some peasants' huts, and a few fields +of maize, nowhere a living creature was to be seen. I had now reached a +point where a low hedge touched the garden wall; I could easily climb +upon it, and from thence overlook the garden. As nobody appeared. I +boldly ventured. The boughs of a large evergreen oak-tree projected +beyond the wall, and I hastily scrambled up and clung to the lowest +branch for support. I could not have chosen a better place; at a +distance of hardly fifty paces I saw on the parched up lawn which now +lay in the shade, two young girls who were playing at battle door and +shuttle cock quite unconscious of being watched. One of them wore a +white dress and the broad brimmed straw hat which I had remarked the +day before. She was of middle height with a figure as straight and +slender as a young poplar tree. She moved like a bird with a graceful +agility such as I fancied that I had never before seen. Her black hair +loosened by her lively movements, flowed freely over her shoulders. The +face was very pale, only lighted up by the eyes and teeth. Suddenly the +shuttlecock was thrown awkwardly, and she burst into a merry laugh +which made my heart throb violently, and the hedge appeared to tremble +under my feet. Her play fellow was dressed like her; only with less +elegance; she seemed to be of an inferior rank. + +I hardly noticed her, I was wholly engrossed by her charming companion. +The way in which she lifted her arm to throw the shuttlecock, the eager +look in her eyes when she raised them to await the coming one, her +delight when the shuttlecock described a circuit in the air, the shake +of her head at any failure, every gesture was in itself a picture of +youthful charm and vigour. + +I clearly felt that my fate was sealed, and for the first time in my +life I surrendered myself to the sensations which overpowered and +ensnared me. In the midst of this rapture, I considered how I could +draw nearer to her without startling her, when chance--no auspicious +fate--came to my aid. The shuttlecock, which had been sent up high into +the air, flew over the top of the oak-tree under which I was concealed, +and fell at some distance into the neighbouring fields. She looked +anxiously after it. I do not know whether she then perceived me, but +when I instantly sprang after it and re-appeared on the wall with it, I +noticed that her dark eyes turned towards the place where I had stood +with an astonished and displeased expression. The other girl shrieked, +and ran up to her, whispering something which I did not understand, but +I could see by her gestures that she urged her to immediate flight The +fair creature however did not listen to her, but waited quietly till it +should please the stranger to restore her property. When I delayed, +quite absorbed in my admiration, her face assumed a haughty and defiant +look, and she turned coldly from me. I held up the shuttlecock and with +a hasty gesture entreated her to remain. Then I took from my neck a +velvet ribbon, to which was attached a gold locket in the shape of a +heart containing my sister's hair, fastened them carefully to the +feathered ball, and threw it towards her. Fortunately it fell just at +her feet, and lay on the light gravel of the walk. + +She took a few steps with a most stately air, and picked up the +shuttlecock; and noticing the locket she darted a quick and flashing +glance at me which pierced me to the very narrow. + +Her companion approached her, and seemed to make some inquiry. She did +not answer, but silently put the shuttlecock and the trinket into her +pocket, and then with inimitable dignity, waved the shuttlecock which +she held in her hand towards me thanking me, as a princess might, for +an homage due to her. + +Then she turned and walked slowly towards the house without once +looking back. + +I now had no further pretext for remaining perched on the wall, and I +dared not make another attempt to see her again on that day; and then +what would have been the use of it, had I not gained my point for the +present. She had evidently recognized me. My re-appearance sufficiently +expressed my feelings. I had laid my heart at her feet; she had +accepted it, and it was now in her possession. Ought I not to leave her +time to think over all this. I was so agitated that had I met her then, +I should only have been able to stammer out some confused words like a +person in a fever. + +That night I slept but little, but in the course of my life I never +again lay awake and counted the hours with so much pleasure. + +At day break I rose, entered the picture gallery as soon as it was open +and remained sitting before the St. Cecilia for full two hours. There I +searched my inmost soul as before a clear mirror. I felt that the spark +which had reached my heart was of the true heavenly fire, and not a +transitory illusion of the senses. Those two hours were wonderfully +sweet. It was an anticipation of future bliss and at the same time an +exceeding happiness as if she were sitting close to me, and I felt her +heart beating against mine. The St. Cecilia before me, her eyes calmly +turned heavenwards, could not have had a purer foretaste of the +celestial joys than I had that morning. Again I waited till the time +for the siesta had passed, before I turned my steps towards the villa. +But this time I did not content myself with merely looking through the +bars of the gate. I boldly pulled the bell and was not even startled by +the endless jingle it produced. The little dog rushed, barking +furiously, on the balcony, and out of a small side door, which was next +a larger glass one, issued a little man with enormous grey moustachios +which gave him a ridiculously martial appearance. He approached the +gate with evident astonishment at the unexpected visit. I repeated the +sentence without faltering which I had rehearsed previously: I was a +stranger and intended to publish a book about Italy, and amongst the +rest I wished to introduce a chapter on the country houses of Bologna. +So it was of great importance to me to be allowed to examine this +house. Particularly as it was built in the old style, and was in many +respects remarkable. + +The old man did not seem to understand this. "I am very sorry sir," he +replied, "but I cannot admit you. The villa belongs to General +Alessandro T.... under whose command I served. I know your country +well, sir, I marched through Switzerland under Bonaparte. Afterwards +when all was at an end and my wounds became troublesome, my general +transferred me to this quiet post; and when he married for the second +time, he entrusted his daughter to my care, for you well know sir, how +it is when the daughter is handsomer than the young step-mother. So we +live here in great retirement, but the Signorina wants for nothing, for +her papa sends her some handsome present nearly every week; the best +masters come to teach her singing and languages, and my own daughter is +an excellent companion for her. Only she never goes up to town, her +step-mother does not care to have her there, but that does not distress +her, so long as her father is allowed to come and see her, once a +month. Every time he comes, he enjoins me over and over again to keep +his child as the apple of my eye. And on the Sundays when she goes to +hear mass, Nina and I accompany her and never lose sight of her. What +do you expect to see in this old house? I assure you it does not differ +in any respect from other villas, and nothing remarkable grows in the +garden. There is no need to put us in some book; what would my master +say to it. Possibly I might lose my situation notwithstanding my old +age." + +I tried to appease him, and succeeded if not with words, at least by +pressing a gold piece into his hand. + +"I see," he resumed, "you are an honest young man, and would not be the +ruin of an old soldier. If you persist in your wish, I will lead you +through the house, so that you may satisfy your curiosity. I can do so +the more easily, that the Signorina is just now at her singing lesson, +so she will not know that I have admitted a stranger." + +He unlocked the gate with a heavy key and preceeded me towards the +house. The ground floor partly consisted of a large cool hall, from +which the sun was shut out by closed Venetian blinds, and heavy +curtains. True to my assumed character, I begged him to let in some +light so that I might see the different paintings which hung on the +walls. They were all family portraits of little value; only one of them +which hung above the chimney piece engrossed my attention. "This is the +mother of the Signorina," said the old man, "I mean the real mother, +who has been dead these fifteen years. She was a handsome woman; the +people here called her the beautiful saint. Her daughter is very like +her, only she is more cheerful. She resembles a bird, who always merry, +hops up and down in its cage." + +"She seems to possess the voice of a bird, as well," I remarked, with +all the indifference I could assume, "if that is hers which we now hear +above us." + +"You are right," said the old man. "The director of the Opera in town +comes here twice a week. When her papa (_il babbo_ he called him) pays +her his monthly visit, he always stays many hours, and she sings all +her new songs to him, and then the poor old gentleman feels as happy as +if he were in Paradise. He has not many joys, and without that child he +were better in another world." + +"What is the matter with him," I asked, "is he ill?" + +"As you take it;" replied the old man, with a shrug of his shoulders; +"I for my part would prefer death to such a life. For those who knew +him when he was still in the army--the giant of Giovanni de Bologna on +the market-place, does not look more high spirited, and chivalrous, +than did my general--And now! it breaks my heart to think of it. The +whole day long he sits in his arm-chair by the window, and cuts out +pictures or plays at dominoes--It seems as if he neither heard nor saw, +but when his wife speaks to him, he looks up timidly and nods +acquiescence to everything she says. Only with regard to the Signorina +he has remained the same, and is not easily to be deceived. Those who +attempted it would soon perceive that the old lion's paws have still +some strength left in them although his claws have been cut." + +"But how came he to sink into that melancholy condition?" + +"No one knows. Many things have occurred in this house but the outer +world only whispers them. My belief is, that, that woman; I mean to say +her Excellency, the young Signora struck his heart a deadly blow and he +has never recovered from it. So he drags on the burden with which he +has loaded himself, as a resolute old soldier bears hunger and thirst +though he should dwindle to a shadow. Well, well, these are old stories +now, and cannot be altered." + +During this conversation we had ascended the stair, and were +approaching the room from which the singing proceeded. The voice had a +crude inflexible sound; it was a high youthful even boyish soprano. It +seemed as if she sang only to give utterance to her thoughts perfectly +careless of the sound. + +"What is the Signorina's name?" I asked, when we had reached the top of +the stairs. + +"Beatrice. We call her 'Bicetta.' Oh what a priceless heart is hers! My +Nina often says to me, 'Father,' she says, 'if the Signorina is to wait +for a husband worthy of her she will remain unmarried.' See here, Sir; +this is her sitting-room. There are her books. She often sits up half +the night, Nina says, and reads them in many languages. Adjoining is +the little bedroom where the two girls sleep. That picture there, above +her bed, represents my poor master in his General's uniform as he used +to lead us into action. That small figure in the background who +brandishes his musket is me, says the Signorina, and she has lately +added the grey moustachioes to give it more resemblance. But come away +Sir, there is nothing remarkable, in here, the furniture is old. The +General once wanted to furnish it anew, but the child would not hear of +it because everything had been left just as it was when her deceased +mother passed the first summer of her married life in this house. There +on the balcony she used of an evening to sit rocking her child's +cradle, and waiting for the return of her husband when he had gone to +town on business." + +I stept out strangely moved and stooped to caress the little dog who +wagged his tail and licked my hand. Every word which the faithful old +man spoke added fuel to the fire which burnt in my breast, and the +voice in the adjoining room fanned the flame with its breath. + +Fearing to betray myself, I talked of the way in which the grounds were +laid out, about the inlaid table of mosaic work, which stood in the +middle of the room; of the faded fresco painting on the ceiling. I +could not tear myself away though my guide grew impatient. + +Suddenly the singing ceased; the door was thrown open, and she appeared +on the threshold, holding a sheet of music in her hand. She had never +been so near me, yet I did not discern her features more distinctly +than I had done before. + +Everything seemed to dance before my eyes I only remarked at the first +glance that she wore my locket round her neck. + +The old man started back at her appearance and stammered out some +clumsy excuse, at the same time stealthily pulling at my coat. + +"Never mind, Fabio," she said, "you can shew the gentleman all over the +house, and through the grounds, if he cares to see them." Then turning +to her companion, who sat on a low chair with some embroidery in her +hand; "You can go with them, Nina. But stay I will first tell you +something." She whispered some words to her, her eyes always fixed on +me, and then bowed gracefully, to me, who could not utter a word. In so +doing she pressed her right hand as if involuntarily on her locket, +then returned to her singing-master, who had watched this interlude +with curious eyes, and the lesson was quietly resumed whilst we three +ascended the next flight of stairs. The old man's daughter walked +before us and at every turn of the steps, she examined me with a +pensive look but did not speak a word. Only when we had entered the +garden, she said to her father: "Bicetta charged me to pluck two +oranges for the gentleman. She thought he might be thirsty after his +long walk. We will pass by the fountain where they are ripest." I +followed them as if in a trance, and looked up at the house towards the +window from whence we could still hear her voice. The blind was +partially drawn up, so I could perceive her standing in the apartment. +I fancied that she turned, and followed me with her eyes. Nina also +looked up, and then at me. I did not care to hide my feelings from her, +I even wished to make them known to her. But as her father was present +I could only whisper to her, when we reached the gate and she gave me +the oranges: "Express my thanks to the Signorina, and tell her that she +will hear more of me. Give back one of these oranges to her, and tell +her when she eats it...." + +But before I could finish the sentence the old man came close to us. He +took leave of me with much less amiability than he had admitted me. + +I repeated my promise not to betray him, but another suspicion seemed +to weigh on his mind, for his honest face remained gloomy. + +I passed the night in writing a long letter in which I disclosed to her +the state of my feelings and placed my future happiness in her hands. +Even in those moments of absorbing passion the step which I was blindly +taking appeared to me somewhat wild and romantic, but I took up the +orange which lay beside me on the table, pressed it to my lips, and +closing my eyes represented her to my imagination as she stood on the +threshold, gave me that long and loving look, and bowed laying her hand +on the locket. + +After having written the letter I slept very quietly, and only awoke +when it was broad daylight. I again waited for the approach of evening +before I took the decisive walk as my own letter carrier. + +Fortune smiled on me. I had composed a most impressive speech, with +which I hoped to persuade the old man in case he refused to deliver the +letter. But this time Nina came to open the gate. The intelligent girl +did not seem the least astonished at my reappearance. She took the +letter unhesitatingly, but when I asked her if she thought the +Signorina would send an answer, she assumed a diplomatic tone, and +said: "Who can tell?" I told her that I would return to-morrow at the +same hour, and begged her to await me at the gate, so that I need not +ring the bell and let her father into the secret. + +"My father!" she exclaimed laughingly. "We are not afraid of him. +Bicetta need only smile on him and then she can twist him round her +little finger in spite of his savage air--Come somewhat later +to-morrow; we have our drawing lesson just at this hour, and cannot +send away the master for your sake. Will you do so?" + +A carriage now rapidly approached the gate. I had just time to whisper +"yes" to the girl before she silently vanished. Then I hastened away +for I did not wish to be seen before that gate. + +The carriage drew up before the house and my greybearded friend, the +steward, jumped from his seat beside the coachman and assisted a tall +white haired old gentleman to descend from the carriage. I recognized +him at once to be Beatrice's father from the resemblance of their +features. He walked with unsteady steps, stooping forward, and rubbing +his hands, while a delighted smile overspread his countenance. A +footman took a basket of flowers, and several parcels from the +carriage, and carried them after him. I pressed close to the wall so +that I escaped notice, and at the same time could watch the whole +scene. Before the bell had been rung, the door flew open, and the +slender white figure of Bicetta clung to her father, who threw his arms +round her neck with a touching tenderness, and partly walking partly +carried by him she disappeared into the house with the old gentleman. +The others followed, and with a pang of envy I saw the gate close +behind them. How the remaining hours of that day, and the following +night passed I know not. It seemed to me that a constant twilight +surrounded me, a sweet lethargy overpowered me, and a celestial harmony +filled my soul. Strange to say though I generally felt little assurance +in my intercourse with women notwithstanding my reputation as a good +looking young fellow, this time I confidently awaited the decision of +my fate, no more doubting that I possessed her heart than I doubted +that the sun would rise on the morrow. Only the hours that must pass +before I could hear it from her own lips, appeared endless to me. I +must here mention an adventure which I had next day in one of the +churches. As I roved about the streets hoping by continual movement to +restrain my impatience, almost unconsciously I entered a church. +Neither paintings, nor pillars, nor the people who knelt before the +altars could awaken any interest in me at that moment. My thoughts were +far away, and I even forgot to tread softly though mass was going on, +till the angry mutterings of ah old woman made me aware of my unseemly +behaviour. So I stood still behind a pillar, and listened to the music +of the organ and the tinkling of the bells, and inhaled the smoke of +the incense. + +As I absently surveyed the kneeling multitude--I, the son of a rigid +calvinist, of course abstained from that devout practice.--I remarked +on one of the more retired chairs, just in front of me, a pair of dark +blue eyes, underneath a white brow, surrounded by auburn curls. Those +eyes were fastened on me, and never changed their direction during the +whole service. + +I confess that at any other time I would have replied to that mute +appeal, but on that morning I was perfectly insensible to any +allurement, and should probably have left the church if I had not +feared to cause a second disturbance. When mass was ended, the handsome +woman hastily rose, drew her lace veil over her head, and walked +straight up to me. Her figure was faultless, perhaps somewhat too +plump, but the agile grace of her movements gave her a very youthful +appearance. In the white ungloved hand which held her veil together, +she carried a small fan with a mother of pearl handle. When she was +close to me, she partly opened this fan, and moved it carelessly, +whilst her eyes were fixed on mine with a quiet but significant gaze. +When I appeared not to understand her, she tossed up her head, smiled +haughtily, so that her white even teeth glittered, and rustled past me. +A moment later I had forgotten this interlude; yet all my joy had +suddenly vanished. As the evening approached, I felt more and more +uneasy, and when the appointed hour struck I dragged myself towards the +villa like a criminal who is to appear before his judge. I started back +when instead of Nina, whom I had expected I found her father waiting +for me at the gate. But the old man though he looked very morose, +nodded when I appeared and beckoned to me to approach. "You have +written to the Signorina," he said, with a shake of his head, "why have +you done so? If I had thought you would do such a thing, you should +never with my consent have entered the house. Oh, my poor dear +Master--after all my promises to him--and who knows what will be the +end of it. I dare not think of it all." + +"Dear old friend," I replied, "nothing shall be done behind your back. +Had you been at home yesterday, I would certainly have given you the +letter, and as for that, you could have read it and convinced yourself +that my intentions are most honourable. But tell me, for heaven's +sake?" .... + +"Come now," he interrupted, "do not let us waste our time. You are an +honourable young man, and besides, how can such a poor old fool as I +am, prevent these things, even if I tried it. Believe me, sir, she is +the mistress, in spite of her youth. When she says: 'I will!' no one +can resist her. Now, she will see you; she wishes to speak to you +herself." + +All my senses reeled at these words; I had hardly dared to hope for a +letter and now this!-- + +The old man himself seemed moved when I impetuously pressed his hand. +He led me towards the house, and as on the previous occasion we entered +by the side-door into the large hall on the groundfloor. This time all +the curtains and jalousies were opened, to let in the red glow of the +setting sun; two chairs stood opposite the chimney, and from one of +them the figure of the girl, so dear to me, arose and took a few steps +towards me. She held a book in her hand and between its leaves I saw my +letter. Her abundant hair was tied up this time and a black ribbon was +twined through it. On her neck I again noticed my locket. + +"Fabio," she said, "open the door towards the garden, and wait on the +terrace in case I should have some orders for you." + +The old man bowed respectfully, and obeyed. In the meantime we stood +motionless beside each other, and my heart beat so violently that I +could not utter a word. Her eyes were fixed on mine with a grave +expression partly of inquiry, and partly of wonder. + +A last she regained her full composure, and appeared to understand what +a moment before had been unintelligible to her. She stretched out her +hand which I eagerly seized, but dared not press to my lips. + +"Come and sit down beside me," she said, "I have much to tell you. Do +you see this portrait before us? It is my mother's; she died long ago. +When I got your letter I sat down before her and asked her what answer +I ought to give you. It seemed to me that she assented to nothing but +the truth. And the truth is, that from the moment I saw you in the +carriage, all my thoughts went with you, and there they will remain +till I die." I cannot express what I felt at these simple words. I fell +on my knees before her, seized both her hands and covered them with +kisses and tears. + +"Why do you weep," she asked and tried to raise me. "Are you not happy? +I am full of joyfulness. I have suffered much, but now all is blotted +out. Now I only know that we are firmly united and I can never again be +unhappy." + +She rose, I sprang up. Intoxicated with joy, I tried to press her to my +heart, but she gently stepped back. + +"No, Amadeus," she said, "that must not be. You now know that I am +yours, and will never be taken from you by any other man; but let us be +calm. I have considered the matter during the long night that has +passed. You cannot come here any more. I have promised it to poor +Fabio. This is the first, and the last time that we meet here. If you +repeated your visit I should soon have no other will but yours, and I +will never dishonour my father's name. Listen, you must go to him, you +will find no difficulty in introducing yourself in his house, so many +young men," she added with a sigh, "even perfect strangers are received +there. When he knows you more intimately, and has given you his +confidence, then demand my hand. You may also tell him that we know +each other and that I will never marry any other than you: All the rest +leave to me, and above all promise not to speak of this to my +stepmother; she does not love me, does not wish me to be happy. Oh, +Amadeus, is it possible that you can love me as much as I love you? Did +you not feel the first time we met, as if a flash of lightning had +fallen from heaven, as if the earth trembled and the trees and bushes +were on fire! I do not know how it occurred to me to throw a branch of +blossoms on the stranger who slept underneath his umbrella. I could not +even see your face; it was a childish trick, and I repented if it a +moment later; yet an irresistible impulse made me look once more over +the wall, and then when I saw you standing in the carriage and waving +the branch of pomegranate blossoms towards me, I was seized as with a +fever and from that moment you have always been before me whatever I +do." + +I had led her back to her chair, and holding her hand in mine, I told +her how I had passed the last few days. She did not look at me while I +spoke so that I could only see her fair profile. Every part of her +face, even the pure and spiritual palor of her complexion, and the +violet shade under her eyes, were full of expression. Then I too became +silent, and felt the warm blood rush through the delicate veins of the +small hand that lay clasped in mine. + +Old Fabio discreetly looked in, and asked if we wished for some fruit. + +"Later," she replied, "or are you now thirsty, Amadeus?" + +"To drink from your lips," I whispered. + +She shook her head, and looked grave, as she knit her finely pencilled +eyebrows. + +"You do not love me," I said. + +"Far too well," she replied with a sigh. + +Then she rose. "Let us walk round the garden," she said, "before the +sun is quite set. I will pluck some oranges for you. This time I need +not bid Nina do so." + +So we walked on, and she holding fast by my hand, asked me about my +country, my parents, and if the hair in the locket were my own. When I +told her that my sister had given it to me, she enquired after her. "We +will go and see her," she said, "she must love me, for I already love +her. But we cannot stay there. My father cannot live without me, I am +his only joy. You will come to Bologna with me, will you not?" I +promised all she desired. Nothing seemed impossible to me now that one +miracle had been performed, and she looked upon me with the eyes of +love. After that she became exceedingly merry, and we laughed and +chatted as happy as children, and ended by throwing oranges at each +other. "Come," she said, "let us have a game at battledore and +shuttlecock. Nina shall play with us, though she almost makes me +jealous, by constantly speaking of you. See, how she slips away, as if +she feared to disturb us. Might not heaven, and earth, and all mankind +listen to what we say?" + +She called her companion, and the good girl came up to us, gave me her +hand and said: "I hope, you will deserve your happiness. I would have +grudged her to any man but you. If you do not make her happy, Signor +Amadeo, then beware!" + +This menace was accompanied by so vehement and tragic a gesture that we +both laughed, and she herself joined us. + +On the lawn, where I had seen the girls at their play, we now all three +threw the feathered balls, and were soon as much engrossed with our +game, as if we had never had any more serious thought in our lives, and +had not decided on all our future happiness an hour before. + +Papa Fabio did not appear again. When the shade grew deeper the two +girls accompanied me to the gate. I was dismissed without a kiss from +those dear and lovely lips. I could only seize her hand through the +bars and press a parting kiss on it. + +What an evening! what a night! The people of the hotel probably thought +I was somewhat crackbrained, or an Englishman, which in their eyes +comes much to the same thing. + +On my way back I bought a large basket full of flowers which was +carried after me by the flower-girl. These I strewed about my room. I +ordered several bottles of wine, and threw a five franc-piece to a +violin-player in the street. Then I went to sleep in the refreshing +night air which entered by the open windows. I still remember the +sensations I had during my sleep, as if the vibration of the +terrestrial globe as it proceeded on its aerial course were re-echoed +by the pulsations of my heart. + +Not till the following morning did I remember that some obstacles had +to be surmounted before I could take possession of what was already +mine. I must get introduced to her father; and would he confide in me +with the same readiness that his daughter had done? Whilst I sauntered +through the arcades of Bologna considering these matters, propitious +fortune again came to my aid. I met the correspondent of our firm whom +I had visited the second day after my arrival; he was greatly +surprised, as he did not expect to find me still in Bologna. I alleged +some news I had received from my brother-in-law, as an excuse for my +prolonged stay. I said that a plan had been formed to found a branch +establishment of our business in Italy, with particular reference to +Bologna. My departure was necessarily delayed for an indefinite period, +and in the meantime it was my duty to form acquaintances in town. +Amongst the names of other distinguished families, I mentioned the +General's. Our friend did not know him personally, but a young cousin +of his, a priest was a frequent visitor at his house, and would +willingly introduce me. "But beware of the dangerous eyes of the lady +of the house," he continued, "for though she has not the reputation of +treating her admirers with much cruelty, yet your attentions would be +wasted, for the young count her present adorer, does not seem at all +inclined to relinquish his conquest." + +I joined in this bantering as well as I could, and we then made +arrangements for an introduction. + +In the evening of the same day I met the young priest by appointment at +one of the Cafés, and he then accompanied me to the general's house +which was situated in a very quiet street. It was a Palazzo of very +unpretending exterior, but furnished most luxuriously within. Thick +carpets covered the corridors through which we passed to reach the +apartment where every night a small circle of habitués assembled. + +Prelates of every rank, military men, several patricians, but only men, +formed the society. The young abbate never tired of expatiating on the +happiness of the fortunate mortals who were admitted to the intimacy of +that house. "What a woman," he sighed. He seemed to hope that his turn +would also come some day. + +When I entered I first perceived the old General. He sat in an +arm-chair, and opposite to him an old canon; between them stood a small +table on which they were playing at dominoes. On a low stool beside the +general lay a pair of scissors and some sheets of paper, on which were +depicted little soldiers; these he cut out, when he could not find a +partner for his game. A lamp hung above him, and in the full light, I +again remarked the astonishing likeness of his features to those of +Beatrice. I had hardly spoken a few polite words to the old gentleman, +who responded to them with a childish and good-natured smile, when my +companion hurried me away. I followed him into a small boudoir, where +the lady of the house was reclining on a couch, while a tall much +adorned young coxcomb sat on a rocking chair by her side; they both of +them seemed rather bored by this tête-à-tête. He was languidly turning +over the leaves of an album, and the fair lady embroidering some many +coloured cushion, and now and then she caressed with the point of her +brocaded slipper a large Angora cat which lay at her feet. + +By the subdued light of the sconces, reflected by numberless mirrors, I +did not at first recognize in the lady before me the fair devotee of +that morning in church, although the same mother of pearl fan lay on a +table near her. + +She was more quick sighted than I, and started up so vehemently at my +approach, that she lost her comb and her abundant hair fell over her +shoulders. The cat awoke and purred, the tall young man cast a +piercing look at me, and I myself was so startled as I recognized her, +that I was most thankful for my little companion's volubility. She +remained silent for a while, and looked at me with that same stedfast +gaze--which had made me feel uncomfortable in the church. + +Only when she observed the rudeness of the count, who tried to ignore +my presence, her face grew more animated. In a low caressing voice, +which was the most youthful part of her, she invited me, after +dislodging the cat, to sit down beside her. Then turning towards the +young man; "You can look over the music which I received to-day from +Florence, count, I will sing afterwards and you can accompany me." + +The young exquisite seemed inclined to rebel, but a severe look from +her blue eyes subdued him, and we soon heard him strike some accords on +the piano in the outer saloon. + +The young abbate was employed in cutting the leaves of some new French +novel, so I alone was left to court our fair hostess. Heaven knows I +envied them, and above all the old canon at his game of dominoes. From +the first words I exchanged with this woman, I felt an invincible +dislike to her, which increased in proportion to the efforts she made +to attract me. I had to summon all my prudence to keep up an appearance +of politeness, and to listen attentively to her remarks. My thoughts +were far away in the saloon of the villa, and between those glib and +clever words, I still heard the soft voice of my darling and saw her +eyes fixed on mine with a sad expression. + +In spite of this absence of mind and heart, the fair lady did not +appear to be displeased with my first attempt. She probably imputed my +embarrassment to a very different cause, and the fact that I had sought +to be introduced in her house, she certainly construed in her favour. + +She praised my fluency in the Italian language, but remarked that I had +a Piemontese accent, that I could not find a better opportunity of +correcting this, than by frequently joining her friendly circle. Then +she begged me to consider her house as my own, provided my evenings +were not otherwise engaged. She had melancholy duties to perform, she +said with a sigh, and a glance towards the adjoining room, from whence +was heard the good natured laughter of the old gentleman as he had won +his game. Her life, she continued, only began with the evening hours; I +certainly was very young, and the society of a sad woman, grown grave +before her time, would hardly attract me. But so sincere a friend as I +should find in her was worth some sacrifice. I greatly resembled one of +her brothers, who had been very dear to her, and whom she had early +lost. She had noticed this likeness in the church, and for this reason, +she warmly thanked me for my present visit. She cast down her eyes with +well assumed embarrassment and then with a smile stretched out her hand +to me which I slightly touched with my lips. "As a pledge of +friendship," she said in an undertone.--Fortunately some new arrivals +spared me an answer which could not have been sincere. The new comers +were dignitaries of the church, men of the world, who treated me, as +they would an old acquaintance. The count also returned and whispered a +few words to her. She arose and we all followed her into the saloon +where the piano stood. She sang the new airs and her Cicisbeo +accompanied her. + +Her fine voice poured forth trills and cadences and I could remark that +between times she glanced towards the dark corner where I leaned +against the wall, and mechanically joined in the general applause, at +the end of every song. + +My thoughts wandered to the villa where I had heard another voice so +dear to me. Liveried servants entered noiselessly, and offered ices and +sorbets on small silver trays; the music ceased and an animated +conversation commenced. The old general now appeared leaning on his +stick, and seemed delighted at having won six games consecutively. He +asked me if I ever played at dominoes, and on my replying in the +affirmative, he invited me to return next evening, and try my luck with +him. He then called his valet as it was his usual hour for retiring to +rest. This was the signal for departure. I obtained a significant smile +from the lady of the house, and I hastened to leave the rooms before +the rest of the company. I longed for solitude to shake off the +unpleasant impressions of the evening. Yet I could not get rid of these +sensations till next day at dusk, when I again directed my steps +towards the villa. I well knew that I should not be admitted, but I +hoped, between the bars of the gate, to catch a glimpse of her dress or +of the ribbon on her straw-hat. + +I found her on the balcony alone, and her eyes were turned towards the +road as if she expected me. For a short while we were contented to +express our feelings by looks and gestures. Then she signalled to me +that she would come down, and a moment later she issued from the +lateral door, and approached me blushing with love and happiness. She +gave me her hand between the bars, but when I asked her if she would +not admit me, she shook her head gravely, and laying her hand on her +heart, she said, "Are you not here, nevertheless?" We were soon engaged +in exchanging sweet and childish words of love, till I told her of my +yesterday's visit to her father. When I spoke affectionately of him, +she suddenly seized my hand, and before I could prevent it had pressed +it to her lips. I did not mention his wife, and her unseemly behaviour. +She understood my silence. "Return to him," she said, "and do all you +can to please him; he cannot fail to love you." Finally, when I begged +her for a kiss, she approached her cheek to the bars, but hearing the +trot of a horse coming down the road, she speedily fled. So I had to +leave her with an unsatisfied longing in my heart. I confess that for +the first time I doubted the strength of her love. I knew how strictly +girls in Italy keep back their feelings, only to give them more free +course when they are once married. But why grudge me a kiss from her +lips even when separated by the bars of a gate. Then again I thought of +all she had said to me, and of the looks which had accompanied her +words and felt tranquilized. + +Of course in the evening I punctually appeared in the General's rooms, +and he ordered me at once to the dominoe table. The company was much +less numerous than the day before. The old canon when I took his place +retired to a niche near the window, and was soon snoring comfortably. + +This time the lady of the house did not remain in the boudoir, but sat +on a sofa not far from our table, greatly to the annoyance of her +adorer who sat sulkily opposite to her. She had given him a novel, and +she bade him read to her. He made many blunders, and last threw down +the book with an oath, common in this country but certainly not fit for +drawing room society. + +The lady then rose and beckoned to him to follow her into the next +room, where a passionate but whispered dispute took place. We heard +that she threatened never to receive him in her house again unless he +altered his behaviour. + +The old gentleman who had been very happy at is success in the game, +listened for a moment. "What can be the matter?" he asked. I shrugged +my shoulders. A strangely anxious look passed over his face. He sighed, +and for a moment seemed irresolute as to whether or not he ought to +interfere. Then he sank back in his chair, and appeared to be lost +in dreams. The canon awoke, took a pinch of snuff and offered his +snuff-box to the General; this restored his equilibrium, and we resumed +our game. When I at last rose to depart, he begged me to return soon; +he preferred me as a partner, to the old canon. These words were spoken +in a most amiable tone and accompanied by a cordial pressure of the +hand. Altogether in spite of his weaknesses, he still retained the +manners of a gentleman of the old school. His wife dismissed me more +coldly than the night before, but this seemed to me to be only for the +count's sake with whom in the meantime a reconciliation had taken +place. + +I was right. The following evening, when the count was prevented by +some excursion from appearing at his usual post, her efforts to lure me +into her nets were redoubled. I assumed the character of an +unsuspecting young man who from sheer respect neither hears, nor sees, +nor understands anything, but she was evidently not duped by it. +Probably the unsuccessfulness of her efforts provoked her, and incited +her to conquer at any price my real or feigned coldness. She was so +carried away by her vexation that she lost all command of her feelings, +and could not master them even when the count returned. Of course all +the rest of the company noticed how matters stood. The correspondent of +our house did not neglect to inform me of the rumours which were +current in the town. He congratulated me on my good fortune, and little +guessed how uncomfortable I felt at his words. I perceived that I must +no longer delay in declaring my real intentions. + +A conversation I had with the young count precipitated this decision. + +One evening when I returned to my hotel I found him waiting for me. He +saluted me with frigid politeness and requested me in a curt, and +concise manner either to discontinue my visits at the General's house, +or to expect an encounter of a different nature. Being a stranger I was +probably unacquainted with the customs of the country, otherwise he +would not have taken the trouble of giving me warning. + +I begged him to wait twenty-four hours, and he would then perceive how +absurd was any idea of rivalry between us. He looked surprised, but as +I did not give any further explanation, he bowed and departed. + +Early the next morning, for I knew the old gentleman was up betimes, I +asked for an interview with him, and was ushered into his bed-room, +where he sat smoking a long Turkish pipe. He was rummaging in several +card boxes in which all his treasures consisting of cut out pictures +lay around him. When he saw me he stretched out his hand with evident +pleasure, thanked me for visiting him in the morning, and offered me a +pipe. When I declined this he pressed me to accept as a token of +remembrance several cut out soldiers on which he set particular store. +I felt heavy at heart when I reflected that my future happiness +depended on this poor old man. But to my astonishment the expression of +his face completely changed when I mentioned his daughter. He became +grave and silent, and only the intent look in his eyes betrayed, that +even on this theme, he could with difficulty collect his thoughts, I +concealed nothing from him. Beginning with our first meeting, I related +every circumstance up to the last hours. He now and then nodded +acquiescence, and when I told him of my love for her his eyes glistened +and he raised them heavenward with a deep emotion which shed a sort of +glory over his features. + +Then I spoke to him of my circumstances and expressed the very natural +wish to take my young wife--provided he should entrust his child to +me--to my own home; assuring him however, that I was quite willing to +remain in his neighbourhood for several years, as I could never tear +her from him. He seized both my hands when I said this, and pressed +them with more vigour than I could have believed possible in so weak +and worn out an old man. Then he drew me into his arms, and without a +word kissed me till his strength failed him, and he sank back into his +chair. After remaining so for a few moments he made a sign to me to +help him to rise, and when he had regained his feet, he said: "I +entrust this treasure to you my son, and thank my God, that I have +lived to see this day. Come we will go and tell it to my wife. From the +first moment I saw you I felt sure that you had a kind heart. If I had +ten daughters I could not see them better provided for. But did you +ever see such a naughty child? Fie, fie, Bicetta! meeting a lover when +your old babbo's back is turned, but they are all alike when love is in +question, and where their heart is concerned they are not to be +trusted, no, not one!" + +He sighed and his face took an expression partly of anxiety, partly of +sorrow. Perhaps some recollection troubled his mind. A moment after he +again embraced me, pulled my hair, called me a traitor and a hypocrite, +and finally seizing my hand, he drew me towards his wife's apartment, +which was situated at the other side of the house. + +In the ante-room a maid advanced to meet us; she looked at me with +wondering eyes, and only admitted the General to her mistress' room, +after having first announced him. She then begged me to wait as her +mistress was not yet dressed for receiving. I heartily rejoiced at +this, though the time I had to wait seemed interminable. + +I could not distinguish what was said in the adjoining room, but the +General spoke in a louder and more commanding tone than I had ever +heard from him before. A long and hurried whispering followed, till at +last the door opened, and the General issued forth erect, and +triumphant as if he had won a battle. + +"Beatrice is yours my son, the affair is decided. My wife sends her +best wishes to you! At first she made some ridiculous objections. You +see a cousin of ours, a young fop who is now in Rome, said to her +before he left. 'Keep Bicetta for me, I will marry her on my return.' +This was only in fun, but you and I, we are in earnest, so you shall +have her Amadeo. It is true," he continued, with a sigh, "that I let +many things take their course, I am an old man, and the reins often +drop from my hands, but on some occasions Amadeo, I take up arms again +and then I am not to be daunted. I now solemnly promise you that +Beatrice shall be yours. Come back this evening; you will find her +here. Embrace me my son, make her happy; she deserves to be rewarded a +thousand fold for the love she bears her old father." + +He only left me at the top of the stairs after folding me once more in +his arms. + +When I returned in the evening, I found the house brilliantly +illuminated. In the ante-room many people were assembled who eyed me +with curiosity. In the drawing-room the old General sat in his usual +place, and the Canon opposite to him, but to-day the dominoes lay +untouched on the marble table, for on her father's knees sat his +daughter, simply dressed, without any ornaments, only pomegranate +blossoms in her hair. Her arms were twined round the old man's neck as +if she felt uneasy in this society, and took refuge with her only +friend. When she saw me enter, she glided from her seat and stood +motionless as a statue before me till I took her hand. She cast a rapid +glance at the sofa where her step-mother sat, brilliantly attired, her +hair flowing over her beautiful bare shoulders, her round white arm +reclining on a crimson cushion. She evidently intended to outshine the +slender maidenly beauty of the young girl. At her side sat the tall +young count, who had now recovered the phlegmatic insolence of a +supreme sovereign. He nodded to me with a gracious condescension. + +When I turned towards them holding my betrothed by the hand, I noticed +a sudden palor on the woman's face, but she greeted, and congratulated +me with a most winning smile; offered me her hand to kiss, and then +embraced Bicetta who submitted to it with an impassive face; only the +trembling of her hand told me what she felt. + +After this we had to receive the congratulations of the company, and I +admired my darling who stood the flow of shallow words with which she +was overwhelmed with perfect calmness. The General contemplated her +with an expression of great delight. He bade us sit down in the +embrasure of one of the windows, where two chairs had been placed near +each other, and then he proceeded to his game with Don Vigilio. + +Bicetta and I soon forgot all around us. The hum of conversation did +not reach us. The dim light of a lamp which swung on a chain across the +street was bright enough for me to drink the deep draught of love from +the eyes of my beloved, and from her enchanting smile. On that evening +the company dispersed later than usual. Champagne was drunk, and an old +archbishop who was passing through the town on one of his pastoral +tours proposed the health of the betrothed. The venerable old man was +particularly affectionate to me. He made me take a seat in his carriage +and insisted on driving me back to my hotel. But hardly had we been a +moment alone together, when the reason for this remarkable +condescension appeared. "You are a Lutheran?" he asked. I assented, and +he continued with a benign smile; "You will not remain so. The great +earthy happiness you have found here, will lead you to a higher bliss. +Come to see me to-morrow, and we can talk more about this." + +I did not fail to appear, but he could not force me one step from the +path which I had traced for myself. I demanded the same liberty of +faith which I conceded to my wife. With regard to the children, she +might decide for them, till they had reached the age when they could +judge for themselves what was necessary to the welfare of their souls. +The artful old priest seemed well pleased with this beginning, and to +rely on the future.--As he was forced to leave the town, he committed +me to the care of a younger keeper of souls; a member of a religious +order, who set about the affair much more vehemently and clumsily so +that to prevent further unpleasantness, I broke off all intercourse +with him. This, I could perceive in the faces of certain of the +frequenters of my future parent's house, was greatly taken amiss, but +as the General's cordial manner remained the same, and the mistress of +the house continued to shew me a cool amiability, I bore it with great +equanimity. + +My betrothed, who was aware of my feelings, fully coincided in my +desire to cut short any further attempt of this kind. "What can they +mean by it?" she said. "There is only one heaven and one hell for us; +is it not so Amadeo? If I entered Paradise and found you not there, my +soul would turn back, and not rest till it had found yours." When she +spoke thus it seemed to me that I saw heaven open before me, and I +could not believe that any danger threatened our future happiness, or +even that any delay was possible. + +The wedding was fixed for October. I had made up my mind to bear this +interval of two months with all the patience I could muster. Only one +thing made me uneasy; I had announced my betrothal to my sister, and +brother-in-law, and had not received one line in return. + +I knew them too well to fear any objection on their part; only some +illness or some sorrow which they wished to keep from me could account +for this silence. So in spite of the happiness which smiled upon me, I +grew more and more uneasy. At last after three weeks of feverish +impatience, the longed for letter from my brother-in-law arrived. He +wrote that my sister Blanche had been dangerously ill after her +confinement, and that the state of her health was still so precarious +that he had not ventured to agitate her by the news of my engagement. +If it were possible, it would greatly relieve him if I could come home +for a short while. + +"You must go," said Bicetta when I had silently handed her the letter. +"You must leave this to-morrow. I will try and bear your absence as +well as I can. But you must write to me when you arrive, write to me as +often as you are able. How I long to go with you. But of course that is +impossible. Give my love to Blanche; tell her that she already lives in +my heart, and give her this kiss from her sister." + +She passionately threw her arms round my neck and pressed her lips to +mine. It was the first kiss she had granted me. Even when I had met her +alone, and entreated her both jestingly and earnestly not to be so +cruel, she had always remained inexorable. How often had I not felt +hurt at this reserve, but then she had only to speak a word, or to +stretch out her hand with that indescribable smile of hers, and my +doubts and displeasure vanished. + +I departed with the full persuasion that I should find nothing changed +on my return. The old general took leave of me with evident distress; +he could not cease to press me in his arms. His wife shewed great +interest in the illness of my sister, and so completely deceived me +that on my way home, I reproached myself for my former injustice +towards her, and mentally begged her pardon. + +Part of my luggage remained at the villa which had been my habitation +during the last weeks of my betrothal; Old Fabio and my friend Nina +faithfully ministering to my wants. I felt sure of returning in less +than a month, and hoped to bring back with me my sister and her husband +to the wedding. Nina in the meantime went up to town to keep Beatrice +company. + +Everything seemed to be arranged for the best, and this short +separation to be a sacrifice to the jealous gods before I was allowed +to enjoy complete happiness. + +At home I found matters better than I had imagined during the anxious +hours of my long journey. Blanche was out of danger, and it seemed as +if the pleasure of seeing me again and the joyful news I brought her, +hastened her recovery. Their accompanying me to Bologna however was +out of the question. My sister could not leave her child, and my +brother-in-law was detained by our business which had lately so much +increased that we could not both be spared. Yet they hastened my +departure, and indeed as matters stood my visit caused them more +anxiety than pleasure, for in spite of our firm resolve to write to +each other as often as we could, and though I faithfully adhered to my +promise of never missing a single post, yet not a line had reached me +from Bologna. During the first week of my stay I was inexhaustible in +finding some natural cause for her silence. But when I had remained a +fortnight at Geneva without a word either from my betrothed or any +member of her family, I was tormented with anxiety. My only comfort was +that no great misfortune could have happened to her without our +correspondent in Bologna informing me of it, but then again, how could +I know that he had not left Bologna, and should any letters have been +lost or intercepted, might not his too have been among the number? + +I felt that I must start for Bologna if I did not wish to go mad. The +state of my feelings as I travelled day and night is not to be +described. As I saw my face in the glass when I stopped to arrange my +disordered toilet before entering Bologna, I started back. It was +certainly not the face of a happy bridegroom, such as I had hoped to +return. + +It was early in the morning when my travelling carriage dashed along +the well known road. I called to the postillion to pull up at the +trellised gate of the villa. I jumped out with tottering knees, and +rang the bell violently. Some time elapsed before my dear old friend +Fabio appeared at the door. When he recognised me he started and +without taking time to button his old waistcoat across his naked chest, +he rushed to meet me with so disturbed a face that I called out in an +agony: "She is dead!" + +He shook his head and hastily unlocked the gate, but the fright had +completely taken away his breath, so that I could only draw out word by +word, a scanty unconnected explanation from him. He observed my pale +face and worn out looks, and wished to spare me, instead of which he +only cruelly tormented me by his dilatoriness. With many things which +had been schemed in the dark, he was unacquainted, for he had only +learnt the main points from Nina. I who well knew the actors never for +a moment doubted who had taken the principal parts in this fiendish +intrigue. Hardly had I left Bologna when that cousin from Rome +appeared, and brought forward his imaginary claim to the hand of my +bride. + +Had he come by order, or would he have arrived of his own accord even +had I not been absent I never knew. He cut a sorry figure Fabio said. A +life of gambling, revels, and adventures had considerably reduced his +fortune, but being the nephew of a cardinal, and of the old nobility, +he was still considered a good match. Bicetta had always disliked him. +He (Fabio) remembered that she had once boxed his ears for having +ventured to kiss his little cousin. Upon which he had laughingly vowed +to make her pay for it once she was his wife. Now the time had arrived +when he hoped to realize his threat. The step-mother and all those who +had most authority were on his side. They had frightened the poor old +general by predicting for him all the torments of hell, if he married +his only child to a heretic, till they had subdued and silenced him. +But whenever he looked at Bicetta his eyes filled with tears, and he +would sit for hours in his arm-chair, and sob like a child. He never +spoke to his wife for he knew that she was at the bottom of it all. + +"And Beatrice?" I asked, half maddened with rage and pain. + +"Ah Bicetta," replied the old man, "who can understand her! At first +when they urged her to renounce her heretic lover, she had answered: 'I +have pledged my faith to him in the sight of God, and I will keep it +though I should die for it;' so they could not persuade her. Then when +her cousin had come to pay his court to her, she had calmly told him: +'Don't trouble yourself Richino it is perfectly useless; even had I +never seen Amadeo I should never have loved you.' Then when he +attempted to take her hand and to play the gallant to her, she drew +herself up and said in the hearing of Nina: 'Miserable coward to lay +hands on another's property! Go I despise you.' She would not see him +after that yet she never sheds a tear though the marriage is decided +on, and she has quite left off begging and entreating her father, her +step-mother, or any one, even God I dare say. She no more received your +letters, than you did hers which I posted myself. It seems that the +officials at the post-office know what is expected of them when the +nephew of a cardinal wishes to carry off the bride of a foreigner. +Still it is surprising that she should have resigned herself so quickly +for she cannot possibly doubt your fidelity. Nina told me that they +threatened to shut her up in a convent if she did not marry her cousin, +and certainly a convent is not the proper place for our Bicetta, yet I +should have thought it preferable to a marriage with that man, when her +whole heart belongs to you. I for my part cannot make her out, and my +daughter too is in a perpetual state of amazement." + +So the good old man rambled on without venturing to look at me, whilst +I lay completely stunned on one of the chairs opposite the chimney. It +was the same in which we had sat our hands clasped in one another's the +first evening of our betrothal. I was quite incapable of thought; every +feeling even of love or of hate seemed paralyzed within me and all +vitality to have ceased, as the movement of a watch stops when a blow +has broken the spring. After a long pause I recovered my composure +sufficiently to ask when the marriage was to take place. "This +afternoon," replied the old man in a timid voice. Then I started up, +brought to my senses by the nearness of this fearful and decisive +event. Old Fabio seized my hands, and looked anxiously into my face. + +"Merciful heavens!" he exclaimed, "what are you doing. You know not how +powerful they are. If you were to appear openly in the streets, who +knows whether you would outlive the night." + +"I will go in disguise, I will stand face to face with this scoundrel, +and tell him that one of us must die. You surely have a pair of +trooper's pistols in good condition. They are all I shall want. Leave +me now." + +"First you must shoot me with them," he said, and clung so firmly to my +arm, that I saw no possibility of freeing myself from his grasp without +using force. "Think of Bicetta," he continued, "what would she say to +it." "You are right," I replied, and felt as if I were again deprived +of all energy. "I know not what she would say, but I _will_ know, or I +shall go mad. Let go my arm, and give me my hat. I will go to her; I +will burst open the doors which keep her from me, and when once I have +seen her then come what may." + +But he would not let me go. He led me back to my chair and said, "you +must surely be persuaded that no one so sincerely desires yours, and +the Signorina's, and the old general's welfare as old Fabio, so you +must listen to his advice, and not rush headlong to your own +destruction. If you imagine that you can reach her apartment, you are +greatly mistaken. The house is filled with servants on account of the +wedding, and you would fare ill if you desired to see the bride with +this face. Let me go to her; they cannot forbid me the entrance, +although the Signora does not regard me with favourable eyes. If it +should come to the worst, I can always send for my daughter; so if you +will write a few lines I promise to deliver them, and they will +certainly reach their destination with more safety than by the papal +posts. Sit down here by this window and write a few lines and if I am +not greatly mistaken in our Bicetta she will answer them. He ran to +fetch me writing materials, but I was in such a wretched state that I +could not even hold a pen, and the fury which raged within me drowned +every thought. + +"Never mind," said the old man, "there is no need to write. Is it not +sufficient that she hears you have come? If she then still consents to +this marriage, hundreds of letters would be of no avail." + +With this he left me, but first I had to give him my word that I would +not leave the house, which was now completely deserted, and that I +would open the door to no one but him. + +By this time day had dawned, and after bringing me some wine to +strengthen me, the old man departed, and I remained alone in the +death-like stillness of the house--I could not rest; I dragged myself +into the garden, to the orange-tree of whose fruit she had given me, +and to the pomegranate the blossoms of which had been her first love +token to me. She was always before me, and the more clearly she +appeared to me the less could I understand her apparent oblivion. + +Though I was greatly exhausted by my night's journey, yet I could not +swallow a morsel of bread nor drink the wine, but I sucked the juice of +an orange, and felt so revived that I seemed to have imbibed hope and +comfort with it. Then I returned to the house, ascended the stairs and +slowly walked through all the apartments. In her little room all +remained as she had left it; even the book which she had last read was +still open on the table. I began to read from the same page where she +had left off. It was an edition of the "Canzone di Petrarca" and I felt +soothed and refreshed by their gentle harmony. I shoved a low chair +into the balcony (it was the same on which she had sat as a child while +playing with her dolls), and threw myself into it with the book in my +hand. But after each verse my eyes wandered along the road in the hope +of seeing a messenger appear. I had grown calmer however, and no longer +dreaded the decision of my fate, yet I started wildly when the old man +appeared. + +"What news do you bring me," I called to him. But I knew all when I saw +his sorrowful countenance, as he turned towards me, and I rushed down +the stair case with, trembling knees. "Read this," he said; "perhaps +you will understand what it all means." + +I tore the paper from his hand. On it were hastily scrawled these +words: "My own dear love, what I am going to do, had to be done; do not +try to prevent it, only trust in me. I shall never be another's. You +will understand all when we meet again, and perhaps that may be before +long. Whatever happens I am yours only for ever and ever." On the edge +of the paper was added, "Remain concealed. If you are found out, all is +lost." + +Whilst I continued to stare at these few lines, the old man told me +that he had not seen her himself. Nina had been the messenger between +them; but even from her, he could not find out what he wanted to hear. +She only told him that the Signorina had not shown the least +astonishment at the news of my return. "I have long expected him," was +all she said; and while her maid was bringing in her bridal attire, she +had written the note quickly, standing at the window. Then she had +charged Nina to enjoin the greatest secrecy on her father, and to tell +him to take care of me. After that she quietly proceeded to unfasten +her hair which had to be dressed for the wedding. "She wrote these +lines," Nina added, "with the calmness of a person who is unable to +live any longer for the very agony of his pain, and writes down his +dying wish." She had always thought she knew her as well as she knew +herself, but in these last days she was a perfect mystery to her. + +Was it not the same with me? I who had fancied that I understood her +better than any one else, could I understand her now, though I read the +lines she had addressed to me over and over again a hundred times. Why +if she would not belong to any one but me, why did she not fly to me, +or take refuge in a convent till I had found means to liberate her. Why +did not the boldest and most adventurous scheme appear natural and easy +to her, rather than resignation to the fate which was forced on her, +and to the bearing quietly those hateful fetters which death alone +could tear asunder. + +Still there was something in those simple words which sustained me, +when I was on the point of despairing, and which silenced me when I was +on the point of giving vent to a burst of indignation or despondency. I +even slept a few hours, and could swallow a few morsels which my +faithful attendant had prepared for me. Not a word passed between us; +only when the hour of the wedding approached we had a violent dispute. +I insisted on attending it, and he opposed this to the utmost. At last +when he saw that my resolution was not to be shaken, he brought some of +his clothes and helped me to muffle myself up in them, and then pulled +an old torn straw-hat, which he generally wore in the garden, over my +eyes. I will accompany you Signor Amadeo, for I fear that you will lose +all command over yourself, and that you will require some one to +restrain you. He might have proved right had not the wedding guests, +and the bridal couple entered the church before we reached it, and the +crowd been so great that they stood pressed together, spreading over +the Piazza far beyond the church portal. + +I bitterly reproached the old man for having deceived me with regard to +the hour, but he vehemently asserted his innocence, and his ignorance +of the hour. + +So we waited amongst the crowd, and the sound of the bells, which were +ringing loudly, lulled me into my former state of dull torpor. Suddenly +the cry arose: "Here they come!" I should have sunk down had not Fabio +supported me. I kept myself up, so to speak, by fastening my eyes to +the church door, whence she was to issue forth. When she at last +appeared I was surprised that I could bear the sight, that it even +calmed me, although her husband was walking beside her. He was just the +man I had expected to see from Fabio's description. A creature I could +have felled to the ground at one blow. A smile hovered on his worn +features which made my blood boil. He nodded with a triumphant, and +lofty air to the people around him, and stroked the fair moustache on +his thin upper lip. + +She passed through the crowd without looking up, the expression of her +face was inscrutable, and her eyes were veiled by her long lashes. A +child offered her a bunch of flowers; she took it into her arms, and +kissed it, and I could even perceive a smile on her lips. Had not the +distance been so great, and Fabio watching me I should have pushed my +way through the crowd, and asked her how she dared to smile on such a +day. But the smile had vanished while I was reflecting on it. + +They got into their carriage, and drove off, followed by the parents of +the bride. The old General bending under the weight of his grief, at +the side of his proud young wife. Then came all the dignitaries of the +church who frequented the house. + +"The Archbishop performed the ceremony," said an old woman beside me. +"She would not marry him at first, but they say that the holy father +himself urged her to it. Nothing more has been heard about that other +one, the Lutheran."--"Aye, aye," replied another woman; "it seems that +his sister has died, that is the just penalty for refusing to abjure +his heresy."--And so their foolish talk went on around me. Fabio +dragged me away, and led me by a bye path back to the villa. I let him +do as he pleased with me; all my strength had left me. I was as +unconscious of my actions as a man in a fever, or a sleep walker. + +Even now, when I reflect on the past, I cannot understand how I bore +that day. My nature, generally so impetuous, appeared to be completely +subdued by the great bodily exhaustion caused by that hurried and +sleepless journey from Geneva, and I submitted unresistingly to these +horrible events. + +When I reached the villa, I staggered blindly. Fabio forced me to +swallow several glasses of strong wine in such rapid succession that I +at last sank insensible to the ground. + +When I recovered my senses, night had come on, and it was some time +before I could recollect where I was, and what had occurred. The clear +sky could be seen through the high panes of the glass door, and the +faint light of the new moon fell on the portrait of Beatrice's mother, +who I fancied looked sadly down at me from her place above the chimney. +Then only everything came back to my memory; then I remembered how +terrible was the significance of this night, and what future these +hours foreboded. Then a fearful agony overwhelmed me, and I was brought +to the verge of madness. I cried out aloud and the unearthly sound of +my voice as it echoed through the desolate house terrified me. I threw +myself down on the cold stone floor of the hall, and there I lay +writhing, pressing my face against the ground, and tearing my hair as +if bodily pain could stifle the despair which raged within me. Every +thought which sprung up in me, I willfully thrust back into the general +whirlpool which darkened and confused my mind. I would feel nothing, +think of nothing, but the terrible certainty that my heart's treasure +was now in another's possession; I could not cease from piercing my +heart with this thought, as though it were a poisoned dagger that would +make it bleed to death. At last worn out with this self destructive +frenzy I lay motionless in the dust. The cold stones of the floor +cooled my burning brow, and my tears ceased to flow. After some time, I +roused myself sufficiently to regain my tottering feet, and to crawl +into the garden. At the fountain underneath the evergreen oaks I washed +the tears and the dust from my face, and took a deep draught of the +tepid water, which nevertheless cooled my blood. + +I now considered what remained for me to do, but could not come to any +resolution. One thing, however, I determined on. I would write to her +the next day, and implore her to end this dreadful uncertainty; to rend +asunder the last tie which bound me to her. Then I remembered the words +of her note, but of what avail were they now to me? Now that I had seen +her come out of the church, and that day, and part of the night had +passed without bringing me any comfort. + +When I heard the clock strike midnight, and the moon disappeared I +could no longer bear the awful stillness of the garden, and I returned +to the hall. I lighted a candle and placed it on the mantlepiece; then +I drew a chair near it, took a small volume of Dante from my pocket, +and was soon deeply engaged in perusing the most gloomy and despairing +canto of his "Inferno." + +I had remained thus about an hour, when suddenly I thought I heard the +key turned in the lock of the garden gate. My hair stood on end. I +fancied in the first moment of terror that my poor darling had +destroyed herself, and that her restless spirit now sought me to suck +my heart's blood; but the next moment I had shaken off these senseless +ideas, and regained my composure. I arose and listened attentively in +the stillness of the night. + +The garden gate was opened. I heard steps on the gravel walk--some one +sought for the handle of the hall door; it opened and a youth in a +black cloak and hat appeared on the threshold. Suddenly the hat fell +back from the brow, and I recognized Beatrice. With a cry of joy we +rushed into each other's arms, and clung to one another as though we +could never be torn asunder nor our lips ever parted. + +At last she disengaged herself from my embrace, and her tearful eyes +turned on me with a sad mute gaze. "How pale thou art!" she said; "and +this is all my doing. But now it is all at an end. I have kept my word. +Here I am your own wife, and never another's, though I should suffer +for it in this world, and in the next. Oh! Amadeo, why is this world so +full of wicked people; why do they sully the purest, and revile the +most sacred feelings! Why do they force us to lie, and to perjure +ourselves in the very sight of God. We must say _yes_, with our lips, +while our hearts say _no_. They have brought me to this, that I can +only choose between two sins: either to deliver myself up to a man whom +I despise, or to slink like a thief in the night to one who in the eyes +of the world can never be mine. But God metes with another measure than +these cruel and selfish people; is it not so, Amadeo? He cannot bid me +break my faith to you. He never meant our destruction. I imprisoned in +a convent, and you alone in the world, without love, or joy. He has +destined you for me, and me for you, and now I am yours for ever. That +other one dared not touch me. When we were left alone together, I said +to him: 'If you ever try to approach me, to-day or at any other time, +you will have been my murderer, for I have vowed before God not to +survive the hour in which you dare to claim your right on me. I told +you this before our marriage and you still insisted on its +accomplishment. You then carried the point, now it is my turn.' + +"So I left him, and shut myself up in my room till I knew that every +one in the house was asleep. Nina then brought me this disguise, and +now I am here, Amadeo! The happiness of being yours would be too great +if I had not to strive and suffer for it." + +She clung to my neck and hid her glowing face on my breast. All the +ardour and passion which she had repressed with maidenly pride, and had +not even betrayed by a look, now burst forth in a sudden flame, and +threatened to set my whirling brain on fire. + +When we had at last recovered our power of thought, and speech, she +told me what had occurred after my departure; the intrigues of her +step-mother, the helpless efforts of her father to defend himself, and +his child, against the ascendency of the clergy; her useless attempts +to disarm and confound her enemy by the most unshaken sincerity. At +last, when she perceived that they would mercilessly separate her from +her father, and shut her up in a distant convent, from whence no letter +from her could reach me, she suddenly determined on apparent submission +to every thing for the sake of saving herself and me. "And, in fact, +they only desired an outward victory. What do they care whether my soul +is lost or not," she continued. "Did they ever blame the woman who +bears my poor father's name for indulging all her passions freely? They +are all of them the slaves of appearances, and they cannot bear to look +truth in the face, for it would put them to confusion. Oh! Amadeo, how +often did I form the resolution to fly to you, and then declare openly +that I am your wife, and shall be so to eternity. But you do not know +how powerful they are. Even if we started this very moment, and +travelled day and night they would overtake us, and that would be +certain death to you. Then my poor dear father also, he would not +survive the separation, and such a one, from me. But do not grieve my +love, we are now united and those who know our secret are faithful. +Pardon me, for not telling you of my coming in my note of this morning, +but I knew not for certain whether I should be able to accomplish my +plan, or whether that wretch might not strike me to the ground on my +refusal to acknowledge him as my master. And if I then had staid away, +should you not have suffered greater tortures than in this uncertainty? +You knew that I had pledged myself to you, and that I would keep my +word; that I would be faithful to you, and never belong to any man but +you.--I will return to you every night. The porter who is an honest +fellow, hates his present master, but would have died for you." + +She noticed that in spite of my happiness; my wife sitting on my knee, +that I was silent and thoughtful. "Why are you so sad?" she asked. + +"That we must obtain by fraud what is ours by right," I replied. "That +we must hide in darkness, and mystery as if we committed a crime in +keeping our vows!" + +"Do not think of that," she said, and passed her hand across my +forehead. "The future is unknown to us; we are only certain of the +present hour, and of our own hearts. Why should we not thank God for +it. He surely knows that it is best so. Come now; I am not going to sit +here as your lady love with my hands folded, and leave it to others to +minister to you. You must be half famished, and I too am hungry. I have +tasted nothing since last night. I remember perfectly where Fabio keeps +his provisions. I will go and prepare a wedding feast which will be +more joyful than the last one was, where I saw that every drop of wine +was turned to gall for my poor father." + +She rose, and hastened to the cellar, and larder. In the meantime I +pushed a small table into the middle of the room, and lighted up all +the bits of candle which remained in the dusty chandeliers. When she +returned with the plates and glasses, she stopped on the threshold with +a joyful exclamation. Then she laid the table and filled the glasses +with her own hands from the heavy wicker bottle. "Come," she said, "let +us drink to our future happiness, if your sister were but here I should +desire no other wedding banquet." After drinking this toast, she waited +on me, helping me to the cold meat and olives, persuading me to eat, +and doing the honours like a good little housewife. To please her I +swallowed some morsels though I felt no hunger. She too would hardly +take anything till I began to feed her like a child holding the +choicest morsels to her lips, then she laughingly opened them and +complied with my request. + +"Now I have had enough," she said, rising. "I must provide a better +couch for you than these cushions on the floor. Fabio never thinks +about such things. An old soldier like him hardly perceives whether he +is lying on the bare ground or on a feather-bed. To be sure the wisest +thing for you will be to take possession of my little room upstairs, +instead of remaining here where any body can look in, and betray you." +She took my arm and conducted me thither after we had put out all the +lights. As we passed Fabio's closet, I stopped to listen if he moved. +"Don't mind him," she whispered; "he knows that I am here. A short +while ago, when I fetched the wine, I met him coming from the garden, +where he had plucked the fruit for our wedding feast. He was nearly +beside himself with joy on seeing me; he wept, and kissed my hands. Now +he does not appear, for fear of disturbing us." + +The day had not dawned when she reminded me that we must part. I +insisted on accompanying her back to town, and when she saw the +disguise in which I had ventured out the day before, she consented. She +pulled her broad brimmed hat over her eyes and I wrapped her up in her +large cloak. We then left the house, and proceeded in the direction of +the town. We met not a soul--no lights burned either in the houses or +in the streets--the morning star sparkled alone in the pale azure of +the sky. A cool breeze came from the North. We hardly spoke a word +during our walk. My heart was oppressed, and she too when the moment of +separation approached, seemed to feel, for the first time, how +unnatural was our position. When we reached the house, she clasped me +in her arms with tears in her eyes and held me so for a while before +giving the appointed signal to the porter. "Expect me to-morrow," she +whispered, and disengaging herself from my neck she glided through the +half open door, and I was once more alone in the darkness. + +A bitter feeling came over me. So I had to resign her again, my own, my +bride, who had vowed to belong to no one but me; to leave her at the +threshold of a stranger's house, whose door was for ever closed to me. +Here I had to stand at the entrance, and if the master of the house +appeared, should have to hide in a corner, as a thief from the bailiff. +What would be the end of it? Would a life of so full of bye ways and +mysteries be endurable. Can that be called happiness which can only be +obtained at the price of daily torment, and anxiety? + +Before I reached the villa I had firmly resolved to put an end to this +insufferable position. From that moment I felt easy at heart, and as I +walked along the deserted road, could fully rejoice in the unalloyed +happiness which had been granted me, and I considered in its minutest +details how the plan which was to unite us for ever was to be +accomplished. + +In the garden of the villa I found the old man at work. I apprized him +of my scheme, and though he thought the execution of it would be more +difficult than I expected, he willingly agreed to do all I asked of +him, and this was no slight sacrifice at his age, the more so that he +would have to part with his daughter. But where Bicetta's happiness was +concerned, he had no will of his own. + +We both spent the day in preparations. More than once, while taking our +measures, I had occasion to admire the circumspection, and the +foresight of the old soldier. During the afternoon I slept, and at ten +o'clock at night, I was stationed at the gate of the town through which +she had to come. We had not settled that I was to meet her, so when I +stepped out of my lurking place, she started back but instantly +recognizing me as I pushed back my hat she gave me her still trembling +hand, from underneath her cloak. So we walked along gazing at each +other in silence, for we met several tardy wayfarers who were returning +to the town, and feared to awaken their suspicion should they hear a +soft woman's voice underneath that broad brimmed hat only when we had +reached the villa, and its comfortable hall where lights were burning, +and a rustic meal had been prepared for us by Fabio, she again talked +freely. She told me how she had passed the day, how long and dreary it +had appeared to her. Richino had treated her with a rigid coldness, +hoping to mortify her by it, and to force her to make some advances, +but before the world, her parents and their numberless visitors, he had +assumed the manners of a happy young husband. In the evening however, +he had bowed to her without a word, and had withdrawn to his apartment. +"This cannot last," I suddenly said, after a long silence; "It is as +unworthy of you, as it is of me. We must put an end to it. Your +decision alone is wanting. Mine is already formed." + +"Amadeo!" she exclaimed, and her eyes turned towards me with a +wondering look. "What can you mean? Separation! Oh death rather than +that!" + +"No," I replied, "fear not; I do not demand what is impossible to me as +well as to you. Leave thee my wife, my second self, truly that would be +death! But our present existence, is it not worse than death? A life +which must in time, kill the soul's freedom and dignity, and will +sooner or later cause our ruin. But even if it did succeed, which is +most improbable, if I could remain here concealed year after year, in +what a wretched state should I not drag through the weary days; idle +and solitary cut off from all society but yours; condemned to an +aimless, useless life, consumed by the torture of an obscure, and +worthless existence. But even if, in more favourable circumstances, I +could openly come to your horse as your declared lover I would not do +it; I could not brook this state of ambiguity and falsehood. I must be +able to acknowledge my feelings, and openly take possession of what is +mine. Do you now understand me my darling?" + +She nodded, and her eyes were pensively fixed on the ground.--"I know +how painful it will be for you," I continued, and took her cold and +lifeless hand in mine, "You feel that you must leave your father, +perhaps for ever, if he cannot summon courage enough to follow us; You +must leave your country, and all that is dear to you, and has taken +root in your heart from childhood upwards. You can no longer kneel in +the church on the same spot where your mother once prayed--You dread +the strange country all the more, that you will have to enter it as a +fugitive, and not with the rejoicings and honours due to a bride. You +imagine that you would not dare to lift up your eyes to those who love +you. Is it not so Beatrice?" + +She again nodded; then she looked up to me and said, "I will bear all +if it can make you happy." + +"My own love," I resumed clasping her in my arms; "You have full +confidence in me, have you not? You believe that I have carefully +considered what I owe to you, and to myself, and that I would not +shrink from any sacrifice so long as my honour is not concerned, and +that it does not lower me in your eyes. There is but one way of escape +possible from all the snares and fetters which our enemies have thrown +around us. You said truly that flight with the swiftest horses would +not save us: no, we must set about it with more caution, if we do not +wish to be overtaken. I have spoken to Fabio, he knows all the ways to +Ancona as thoroughly as he knows this garden. He will be our guide. We +shall travel on foot, dressed as peasants and only at night, once +there, we shall embark for Venice. Fabio too leaves all that is dear +and valuable to him, only for our sakes, in order that he may assist us +to recover our freedom and happiness. Are you courageous enough +Beatrice? Do you feel strong enough to undertake this journey at your +husband's side?" + +"I will follow you all over the world," she said, and pressed my hand; +"You shall have no cause to complain; I can do all you expect of me." + +I embraced her with great emotion. "Come, then, I said; let us take +some food to strengthen us for the journey." + +"To-night Amadeo? I implore you with all my heart, ask anything of me, +but that I should leave this without once more seeing my poor father, +without the sacred memorials of my mother which I keep at home. I +promise you that nothing shall alter my resolution, not a tear shall +betray me, when I kiss my father for the last time. I feel that without +that, without bidding him at least a mute farewell I should find no +rest, and the longing for home would kill me. As yet, we risk nothing. +No one knows that you are here, no one sees me coming, or going. I +shall not even acquaint Nina with our plan. To-morrow evening when I +leave my home, it shall be for ever; that I promise you. Grant me only +these few hours, and then, I shall be as entirely yours, as if I had +fallen from heaven into your arms, and had no other home than your +heart." She looked at me with an imploring expression which I could not +resist, although I felt uneasy at the slightest delay. I gave way to +her entreaties, and her gaiety then returned, and soon banished every +care from my mind. We supped together; Fabio waited on us, and not a +word more was said of our project. I then sent Fabio to his bed, and +brought in the dessert myself, and a bottle of sweet wine which she +liked to drink only a thimble full of, at a time, but even a few drops +of it sufficed to give her pale cheeks a rosy tint. Who could have seen +us, joyous as we were together, and have believed that we had obtained +these brief hours of happiness by stealth, and were enjoying them +clandestinely. + +She then drew me into the garden. "Let me bid farewell to all my +friends, to the pomegranate, the orange trees, the fountain. To-morrow +there will not be time for it." We walked arm in arm into the garden. +She drank once more from the marble fountain, put a few oranges +in her pocket, and plucked a spray from the pomegranate. "These +must go with me," she observed, "in your home in the north, these +things do not grow. I shall soon learn to do without them. And this +shuttlecock,"---she picked it up as she saw it lying forgotten in the +grass, "I will not leave behind. Our children," she whispered, and drew +close to me, "shall play with it, and you will tell them how you +exchanged your heart for one of these feathery balls." + +We had now reached the place where I had once looked over the wall. +There underneath the spreading branches of the trees, the sward had +remained fresh, and soft, and the air was pure, and free from dust. +"Let us pass the remainder of the night here," I said, "I will bring +some cushions from the house." I returned and brought a few, and also a +cloak for Beatrice. She wrapped herself up in it and soon slept calmly, +but it was long before I could find repose. I listened to her gentle +breathing, and gazed at her sweet face, with the closed eyes up-turned +to the grey sky. She murmured some indistinct words in a dream. I could +not understand them, but their soft tone still lingers in my ear. + +At last I too slept; I know not for how many hours. When I awoke, the +day had not yet dawned, but she was gone. A sudden fear seized me, why +had she left me? I jumped up to ascertain whether Fabio, at least, had +accompanied her. Hardly had I taken a few steps, when I heard the bell +at the garden gate pulled violently. In that moment a fearful +foreboding came over me, and forgetting all prudence, I dashed across +the garden, and round the house towards the gate. Nevertheless old +Fabio had reached it before me, and when I turned the corner, I saw him +trying to lift up a dark figure which had sunk down at the entrance of +the garden. + +"Beatrice!" I cried and rushed to the spot. When I reached it, she just +opened her eyes again, and supported by Fabio, she turned towards me +with a look of intense anguish and despair, but directly she tried to +smile again. "It is nothing Amadeo," she gasped out with a great +effort, her hand pressed to her heart. "Do not be alarmed, I do not +feel much pain. Are you vexed that I left, without awaking you? You +slept so quietly, and I thought there was no danger. How could he have +discovered that you were concealed here? Yes to be sure, I forgot to +tell you what Richino said to me yesterday at table; he spoke in French +to prevent the people from understanding him: 'Do you believe in +ghosts, Madame? If such things exist, they are welcome to roam about, +but if living creatures take it into their heads to play the +_revenants_, upon my honour, I will take good care that they are soon +turned into real phantoms.' + +"I fancied that these were only idle words. Alas, Amadeo, now I cannot +travel with you; you will have to go alone, and in this very hour. +Those two who were on the watch outside the garden gate, certainly +expected you to pass. They called to me when I was ten paces distant +from the gate, and asked for my name. I gave no answer, so they did +what had been ordered them. They did not succeed however; see I can +still walk and even speak. Leave me here and do not be uneasy on my +account. I shall not die. When I hear that you are in safety then I +will follow you. Go my darling husband--before the break of day--Give +me your hand--kiss me." + +Her voice grew faint; her knees could no longer support her. We carried +her, insensible, into the hall, and laid her on a low couch. When we +pushed back her cloak, and opened her coat, the blood streamed over our +hands. I bent over her; she heaved a deep sigh, looked at me once +again, and sunk back to rise no more. + +Let me pass over that morning in silence. + +When the sun shone through the glass door, it found me still kneeling +beside her couch, and gazing on her pale face. Old Fabio crouched in a +corner, and sobbed. + +Suddenly we heard her name called from without. Nina rushed in, and +with a loud cry, threw herself on the corpse. By her demeanour it +seemed as if she had been struck a deadly blow. Then in the midst of +her convulsive sorrow, she roused herself, and turning me she said, +"You must escape; I hastened hither to caution you and Beatrice. A +short while ago Richino entered her bedroom and sought her. I know now +for what reason; it was to tell her that the man she loved was dead. He +hardly expected it to end as it has done. When he perceived that she +was not in her room, he turned pale as death, and went away. But +believe me, he will come to seek her here, and if he finds those +dreadful marks on the path--listen! I hear footsteps approaching--they +are his. Fly! they forebode death to you." I replied not, but rose and +stood by the couch of my dead wife. + +The door opened and he entered ... + +Whatever he had meant to say, the sight before him turned him to stone. +He staggered back, and clung to the door post for support. His +cadaverous face was distorted by helpless horror. I saw that he +struggled in vain for breath. + +"What do you seek here?" I said at last. "You hoped to find me lying +covered with blood; your servants did your bidding promptly, but +unfortunately they mistook the person. So you are disappointed of your +malignant pleasure. You could not crown your deed by awakening this +unhappy woman, of whose heart not a particle was yours, with the +tidings that her lover was dead, and would never return. What hinders +me," I continued, approaching him, and clenching my hands with rage, +and maddening pain. "What hinders me from crushing you beneath my feet, +and casting you out of the house, so that you should no longer pollute +with your breath this sacred dwelling of the dead. If you had loved +her, miserable scoundrel, if you could extenuate your deed by a human +passion--but you would have taken possession of her, you would have +abased this noble soul to your own level, only for the sake of +gratifying your low desires, and because you were incited by others. +Go, I say, hide your face in eternal darkness. Assassin! I swear that +if you dare to stretch out your hand towards the dead, or cast your +eyes on her once again, I will tear you to pieces with my own hands! +Away with you!"-- + +In the midst of this outburst of my fury, I was silenced by the +expression of his face, on which an expression of intense pain +appeared. It seemed as if the ground reeled underneath him, as if it +were going to burst asunder and devour him. He did not look at any one; +he tried to raise his head, but sank down on the threshold completely +overcome and remained so for several minutes. I had to avert a sort of +pity, which I should have deemed a crime. When I had regained +sufficient composure to say a few last words to him, I saw him totter +like a drunken man towards the gate, and leave the garden. + +I then allowed Nina to take off Beatrice's man's clothes, and to dress +her in the same white gown in which I had first seen her. There she lay +smiling peacefully amongst the flowers which her faithful attendant had +brought from the garden and the conservatory, and so she remained +during the day. Nina had just concluded this last act of friendship, +when we heard a carriage approach the gate. Her father sat in it, pale, +and with an insane smile hovering on his withered lips. Fabio, with +scalding tears, assisted him to leave the carriage, and led him into +the hall. When he saw his child surrounded by the apparel of death he +dropped silently on his knees, and pressed his forehead on her folded +hands. When at last we tried to raise him, we found that a paralysis of +the heart had compassionately united him to his darling. + +In the following night we buried them both. No one was present but +Fabio, and Nina. Don Vigilio pronounced the benediction on the dead. He +told me afterwards that Richino had appointed it so, and had given +orders that all my requests were to be complied with as if I were +master of the house. He had received no visitors, and after a violent +scene with his mother-in-law, had on the same day left Bologna for +Rome. + +The widow of the General entered a convent for the time of her +mourning. I for my part when the earth had closed over the two coffins, +took horse, and before the day had dawned was on my way to Florence. + +A year after, I read in the papers that the widow of the General had +married the young count, her faithful admirer. But though I often +returned to Bologna to visit the grave of my wife I never saw either of +them again. + + + + + + BEGINNING, AND END. + + + + + BEGINNING, AND END. + + +In the deep bay window of an otherwise brilliantly lighted saloon, a +single candle, supported by the arms of a winged figure in chased +silver, shed its faint lustre. + +This soft shade was increased by broad-leaved plants, the last blossoms +of the season, and by a slender palm-tree whose delicate branches +arched gracefully above the entrance of this dusky bower. Two chairs +stood beside each other in the background, inviting to repose, out only +one of them was occupied. + +The slender figure of a young woman reclined in it, her head supported +by her arm. Those who suspected her of retiring from the gay company to +this verdant hiding-place in order to attract attention or cause a +search to be made for her wronged her. She thought not of the effect +produced by the delicate half shade of the palm-tree on her pure white +brow, nor of the soft moonshine-like reflex of the candlelight on the +shining waves of her dark hair. Neither did she take advantage of the +solitude around her, whilst a girlish voice was heard singing to the +piano at the further end of the room, to indulge in those reveries +which in the summer time of life so often take their abode underneath +the closed eyelids. In a word, she slumbered. The music to which she +had at first dreamily listened, had at last lulled her to sleep like a +tired child. She did not even awake when the song being ended, the old +gentlemen around applauded encouragingly, the piano stool was pushed +back, and the hum of the interrupted conversation again sounded through +the saloon with renewed vivacity. + +No one came to disturb her; she was a stranger in this society, and +besides there was a certain expression of grave reserve in her +countenance which did not encourage new acquaintances. + +It was her fate to be considered proud. She knew it, but the little +effort she made to dispel this error arose more from indifference than +contempt. A familiar voice which addressed her by her name at last +aroused her. She opened her eyes in some confusion and saw the master +of the house standing before her, and by his side a stranger whose +forehead reached up to the branches of the palm-tree. + +"Allow me to interrupt your meditation. Madam," said the host with a +smile. "I here present to you my friend, and cousin Valentine, who only +returned to Germany a few weeks ago, and a few hours since became my +guest. We must now try to retain him, and who could undertake this task +with more success than our fair country women." + +He had long left them and, still they remained opposite each other +without a word of greeting. His eyes were fixed on the red rose which +adorned her hair, and only a slight movement among the palm leaves +betrayed that the blood rushed vehemently through his veins. + +The lady's face was raised towards him with an earnest expression, as +if she were trying to solve a problem. Was the veil which sleep had +thrown over her eyes, not yet removed? Was this meeting only the vision +of a dream. But no, could a dream have the power of changing, as time +had done, the well known features before her; of thinning the curly +hair, and of drawing those lines above the eye-brows which she had +noticed at the first glance? + +The longer he delayed in addressing her, the deeper grew the blush that +suffused her cheek. Several times her lips parted as if to speak, but +still she remained silent, and fixed her eyes on the ground. Her fan +slid on the carpet. He did not pick it up. + +At last he said, "Madam Eugenie, permit me to call you so, for I have +just arrived here and have omitted to ask our host for your husband's +name; how strangely we meet in this life. I am truly astonished at my +want of presentiment which never foretold me by a sign from heaven or +from earth that I should find you here." + +"A special motive caused me to undertake this journey," she hastily +said. "I intend to put my son to school and I am told that there is one +here in which he will be well taken care of. I arrived to-day after +having spent a sleepless night in the carriage, and I must confess to +you that just as you came up, weak human nature, against all good +breeding, was on the point of making up for lost time. I tell you this +because the cool, and absent way in which I received you must have +seemed strange to so old a friend." + +She stretched out her hand to him. "I thank you," he replied, and his +face brightened, "for having remembered my small claim on your +friendship. Pray continue to treat me on the old footing, and resume +your repose, which I unfortunately disturbed. I will take care that no +one enters the bower: I can keep watch behind this palm-tree." + +She laughed. "No, I did not mean that. I am only too tired to converse +with perfect strangers. Come, sit down by me, if you will be satisfied +with my good intentions, and tell me how the past, and the present have +fared with you." + +"You will best be able to judge for yourself how it has fared with me +when I confide to you my situation at the present moment. My friend has +only invited me here for the sake of marrying me. He regards it as a +duty. What do you say to that? In what a sad state must not that man be +whose friends consider it their duty to render him harmless?" + +"You alarm me," she replied with a smile. "When I first knew you, you +were, if not actually harmless, at least far from causing so much +mischief that you had to be laid in chains for the sake of the public +safety." + +"You are deriding me, Madam. Ah that talent of yours, how well I know +it. This time however your darts did not touch me. My charitable cousin +fears not for others, but for my own safety. He believes that if I +continue to reside alone in the old castle which I have bought; +abandoned to my own crotchets, only occupied in catching hares and +helping the peasants in their agricultural affairs, which I do not +myself understand, that I should sooner or later lose the little sense +which he kindly presumes is left to me. You see he wishes to treat me +homeopathically, dispersing one folly by another. Perhaps he is right. +Those who have proved themselves incapable of regulating their lives +properly, should be grateful, should they not, to their friends for +taking the trouble off their hands, and quietly follow their advice; +but I fancy sometimes that their kind intentions have come too late for +me." + +"Too late? I must combat that assertion. Fourteen years have passed +since we last met, and if you did not then make yourself younger than +you were, you can hardly now have reached the prime of life." + +"Make myself younger! Good heavens! to do just the contrary would then +have conduced more to my interests. But of what are you reminding me +Eugénie?" + +"Is your betrothed young, handsome amiable?" she quickly resumed; "I +would not ask these questions which imply a doubt, if you had not told +me that you had authorized your friend to dispose of your heart, and in +these matters friends are not always to be relied on." + +"You greatly wrong our most amiable host," he said laughingly; "Not +only are these cardinal virtues not wanting, but all three of them are +three times combined." + +"Three times?" + +"I mean in three different samples, as I have been told; so it will be +difficult to choose." + +"And each of the three young ladies is desperately in love with you? +Then a twofold catastrophe is inevitable." + +"Up to this hour none of my destined brides know of my existence. Their +father----" + +"So they are sisters?" + +"Yes. A fair, an auburn, and a dark haired one. You see there is no +possibility of escape; Every taste is provided for. Early to-morrow the +merciless disposer of my heart, and hand takes me in his carriage, and +delivers me over to my destiny. They live in L---- not quite four hours +drive from this. Horse dealing is to be the pretext. The father who is +the doctor of that small town, has a thorough-bred grey Arab in his +stables." + +"You go forth as Saul the son of Kish. I hope you may return like him +with a kingdom." + +"If you but knew," he said pensively, "how little I covet that dignity: +is not a king fettered by his duties? To-day I am still free, so I take +the liberty of sitting down beside you, and of talking with you of that +happy time when I too was held captive, but by enchanting fetters." + +She remained silent while he threw himself into the second arm-chair, +and turned it so that he could see nothing of the company in the +saloon; but only the plants before him, and the charming face of the +young woman, lighted up by the solitary candle. Meanwhile the mistress +of the house had sat down to the piano, and began to play a waltz; and +soon the light branches of the palm-tree trembled in the whirlwind +caused by the passing couples. Eugénie silently watched the gay scene +before her. With her left hand she played with a gold chain, and in the +right, held carelessly a large bouquet on her lap. + +Valentine stedfastly gazed at her; when she observed it, she took up +the nosegay and buried her face in it. "You think it somewhat +indiscreet on my part," he said, "that I sit before you, as though I +were admiring a fine painting; but is it not pardonable if I gaze with +astonishment on that soft bloom which remains as fresh as though hardly +a day had passed since our last meeting. If I banished from my mind the +thought that fourteen years have gone over my head, and that I may be a +married man to-morrow, I might easily delude myself into the belief +that I am sitting in the conservatory of your parent's house, and have +just laid aside the book in which I had been reading aloud to you, who +were meanwhile watching the gnats dancing on the pond, or the falling +of the leaves. In reality however, only youth can give us those hours +of enraptured extasy, that entire blending of the soul with the soul of +nature, when we are freed from the fetters of our own individuality +only to be united, like a plant, all the more closely with the +elements. When I walked home, still entranced, after one of those +evenings, I felt as if I were carried along the poplar alley, as a +feather is borne by the breeze. In later years we often call that +feeling sentimentality, but even now I cannot laugh at it." + +"If I smiled at it in those days, I now feel as if I ought to apologize +for it. We girls are taught by our education to watch over our +sentiments, and to be cautious in our enthusiasms. Now I may confess to +you that I often only wished for Cora to disturb our reading hour by +her barking, or for Frederick to summon us to tea, because I could no +longer restrain my tears." + +"You always had the firmer character of the two. The cement which has +consolidated my nature has only grown hard in the bracing atmosphere of +a stirring, and active life. But the names you have just uttered, what +remembrances they bring back to me! My friend, and my enemy, Frederick, +and Cora. That dear old Frederick. I know that he heartily pitied me, a +feeling which is said to be rare between rivals. You cannot be ignorant +of the feelings with which you inspired him. He worshipped you as +devotedly as a gardener, a servant, can worship his young mistress. He +looked on his case as still more hopeless than mine, though with regard +to our social position, his was by far the more settled of the two. The +quiet sympathy of hopelessness united us. Often when he had come to +fetch us from the conservatory and you were skipping before us after +your dog, and overtaking it, would catch it up in your arms, and kiss +it, he would turn to me with jealous wrath, and say: 'Now, can you +understand. Master Valentine, what pleasure our young lady can find in +hugging that stupid brute?' With an indignant shake of his head; the +hair of which he always arranged carefully, since he served at table, +and could offer you the dishes. If you confess the truth, you will own +that you only fondled that ugly creature for the sake of driving us +distracted." + +"Do not speak ill of the dead," rejoined Eugénie. "Cora sleeps the +sleep of death, not far from the pond where the bench stands underneath +the elm-tree; do you remember it?" + +"How could I have forgotten it? Was it not on that bench that I +fastened your skates, when we started on that skating expedition with +your cousin Lucy. How is your cousin getting on?" + +"She is now a fine lady, with a large family. If she only knew that I +have met you here! Not more than a month ago we were talking of you. +She has a kind remembrance of you, and has not forgotten that bright +winter's afternoon, when we first initiated you in the art of skating, +and she maintains that you squeezed her hand on that occasion with more +ardour than your later behaviour warranted. Since then a shade of +fickleness darkens the otherwise favourable recollection she has of +you." + +"Good heavens!" he exclaimed laughing; "so the most harmless cannot +escape suspicion. To be sure I was not wholly guiltless, but as it so +often happens I must suffer for another sin than that which I really +committed. When you both held my hands to guide my first steps on the +slippery plain, I longed to express more to you by the firm pressure of +my hand than the mere desire not to fall. But you were always +inaccessible to any intelligence of that kind. You will now bear me +witness that I need not reproach myself with regard to little Lucy. Ah! +I still remember it all as if it had been yesterday! I still feel the +glow which rushed through my veins, in spite of the cold December wind; +the enrapturing touch of your hand, which seemed to linger with me for +weeks after. Do not be displeased," he continued, "at my speaking so +freely of all this. We are no longer the same and can now talk of these +things as though they had occurred to some one else. Is it not an +innocent pleasure if I now tell you what so often hung on my lips in +those days, and was always repressed by that unlucky timidity of mine. +We now meet as good comrades do after having settled a debt." + +"And which of us is the creditor?" she asked. "Both of us," he replied. +"Do you not think that I too have some right to that title? If you but +knew what trouble you have caused me; how long your image stood between +me, and every enjoyment of life. But you must have guessed it. When I +used to watch for you on your way to your drawing lesson, when my heart +beat at the sight of your checked cloak, and grey hat--and when I +passed you with all the equanimity I could muster, happy in having been +allowed to salute you, did the unfortunate fate of the poor lad who so +humbly bowed to you never smite your conscience?" + +"You are greatly mistaken my dear friend," she said, with a charming +look of merriment. "I blushed whenever I met any one in that attire +which I fancied gave me the appearance of a scarecrow. The cloak had +long passed out of fashion, but my mother thought it good enough for +the drawing lesson. How many tears of mortified vanity have I not dried +with a corner of that detested garment." + +He laughed. "You see how widely our natures differ. Fate did wisely in +separating us. I for my part on my travels through the world vainly +sought for a similar cloak which seemed to me to be the essence of all +that is beautiful. In France I once remarked at some distance the same +kind of checked stuff. I rushed after it, but found to my +disappointment that the wearer in no way resembled the lady of my +thoughts. Since that time I am inclined to believe that it was the +wearer and not the garment which haunted the dreams of my youth." + +During this conversation the music had continued and the air in the +apartment became hot and oppressive. The young woman agitated her fan, +and inhaled with parted lips the refreshing breeze from it. She +reminded her friend of a remark he had once read in a French book on +the affinity existing between certain blue eyes, and certain glittering +teeth. He told her so. "You see," he continued, "how freely I take +advantage of the privilege of friendship, telling you every thought +which crosses my mind, I make up for my long silence, and you will not +take it amiss. Truly it seems that Providence intends to make me a good +husband and father as on the eve of the important step I am about to +take it relieves my mind from all anxiety regarding it. If I had not +met you, I should never, even in the midst of every domestic felicity, +have been able to rid myself of the fear that some day or other you +would appear, and turn my head as you did years ago. Now that you know +my intentions and that we have placed our friendship on a warm, and +steady footing, I can start on to-morrow's expedition in search of a +wife, with an easy heart." + +They had both risen, and now admired the flowers. "How beautiful this +candelabra is," she remarked. "Fortuna subjected by man, and made to +give him light." + +"I believe it to represent the goddess of victory. The ball on which +fortune glides from us, is wanting here, but Victory remains faithful +to the daring." + +"In that case Victory by serving you on the eve of your expedition, +foretells you good luck." + +"I see you doubt my courage Madam. Certainly you above all others have +a right to do so. But this time I hope to manage my affairs better than +I did fourteen years ago. I intend to challenge my fortune, be it good, +or bad, and force an answer from it. If she smiles on me, I promise you +that to you first, I shall be the herald of my heroic achievement. But +enough of myself as a topic; as yet you have told me nothing of your +own life, and how the years have passed with you. I could not muster +courage to make enquiries about you. After I heard that you were +married, I studiously avoided every place where tidings of you could +reach me. I am even unacquainted with the name of your husband. Will +you introduce me to him. He probably has accompanied you here?" + +"I lost my husband seven years ago." + +He started--"My son is all that is left to me," she resumed, "and I +must now part with him. He has become quite unruly from staying with my +mother in the country, and even if I could find a tutor who knew how to +manage him, I should be sorry to see him pass the merry time of youth +without any companions of his own age." + +"I long to see him," he hastily said, without lifting his eyes from the +flowers in her hand. "So he has lost his father; poor child! When he +has grown up you must send him on a visit to me. I will take him out +hunting, give him my horses to ride, and if he should fall in love with +my daughter, why in that case the beginning and the end would once more +be united, although in a different manner from what I blind mortal, +once dreamt. Would you consent to the match Eugénie?" and he stretched +out his hand to her. + +"With all due regard to the future father-in-law of my son," she +replied gaily. "I should wish first to see the young lady herself, +especially as you cannot even answer for her mother." + +"Of course you must approve of the mother; I should never think of +marrying her, if she had the misfortune to displease you! The wisest +course would be!"-- + +The conversation was here interrupted by a young man, who hesitatingly +approached the embrasure of the window, with the intention of inviting +the lady to dance. She declined, alleging the fatigue of her night +journey as an excuse, and then she left the bower, and mingled with +the rest of the company. Valentine who had remained standing by the +palm-tree, watched her figure amongst the others, and now and then he +fancied he heard her voice. It appeared to him as if he had forgotten +some question of importance, and he tried to recall it to his mind. At +last he remembered that he ought to have enquired for her mother. He +went in search of her to repair his neglect but he could not find her +either in the saloon or in the adjoining rooms. She had disappeared. + + + * * * * * + + +It was on the second day after this meeting; a dense morning fog +still filled the street but the air above was clear, and promised a +sunny day, that in one of the rooms of the hotel, Eugénie sat at a +writing-table, an unfinished letter lying before her. Her folded hands +rested on the paper, and her thoughts strayed far away from the +contents of those lines. + +Now and then when a step was heard in the passage, she started up, and +listened, but they always passed the door, and she remained alone. + +Why did all her thoughts revert to the past, to that particular walk in +the garden where the sunflowers and china asters grew, and the small +fruit-trees threw long shadows across the cabbage beds. The sun was +shining through the high hedge but the air did not resound with the +song of birds. To-morrow when the day waned, she would be far away from +this homely spot, and when she returned, the fruit-trees would be bare, +and snow would cover the ground. The young student who walked by her +side and was digging holes in the gravel with the point of her parasol, +was fully aware of this. He had seen the travelling carriage in the +courtyard, and watched Frederick fastening the valise on the box. When +people start on a journey, who can tell if they will return, or at +least return the same as they went, Is it not expedient then to +exchange one's last bequests, especially if each is disposed to +bequeath body and soul to the other. + +If he had but known how highly he ought to value her condescension in +leading the way to this remote and solitary corner of the garden. As +she walked along, she upbraided herself with having thus far made +advances to him. But she would not take a step further, now it was his +turn to forward matters, and if he did not, she would never forgive +herself for having done so much to loosen his tongue. For it had a high +opinion of the dignity of its sex, this young head of seventeen, and if +the unfortunate youth by her side, had choked with mute respect, she +would not have spoken a word to help him. Was not this walk +sufficiently secluded, and the sun at their backs; was it not the only +time she had ever walked with him in the kitchen garden, and above all, +had he not seen the travelling carriage in the yard. + +On no account, however, was he to perceive that she had contrived all +this for his sake. She talked eagerly of the approaching journey, +expressed her pleasure at seeing her cousins again, and laughingly +described every one of them. + +They had reached the end of the walk, and had looked over the hedge, +but he became more and more laconic. At last he quite ceased talking +and she too became silent. Feelings of passion and mortification rose +in her breast, and nearly choked her. Then she suddenly turned towards +him, and colouring deeply said: "Let us now go back; and give me my +parasol. I shall want it on my journey, and you will break it to +pieces. I must hasten home, as I still have many things to pack. Do you +know that I quite shudder when I think of how much my intellectual +refinement will retrograde during my absence. I shall hardly remember +the English kings in Shakespear's works, which you have taken so much +trouble to impress on my mind. It is a pity, but what can I do? My +cousins are not such pedants as you are. If I return--but who can tell +whether my aunt will not keep me through the winter. Well, it may be a +long time before we can resume our studies and if I pass my examination +badly, this long absence must plead for me." + +More than a year passed before they met again--When the morning +arrived, the travelling carriage was ready to start and the ladies +sitting in it, he approached the door of it and offered a bouquet. The +mother accepted it with many thanks. Eugénie nodded gaily to him, and +gave him her gloved hand. He did not see her pale face, and swollen +eyes behind her thick veil. He closed the door and bowed. As the +carriage drove away, Frederic turned once more towards Valentine, and +across his honest face there passed an expression of pity for his less +fortunate rival. + +This had been in autumn. When they returned in the middle of winter, +Valentine had left the town; he was occupied at a small court of +justice in the country. Only in the following summer he once again rang +the well known bell at the garden gate. On being told that the house +was full of visitors, cousins, and others who were strangers to him, he +charged the servant with a message that he would return another time; +but a cold bow from her mother whom he met in the streets next day, +showed him that he should not find all as he had hoped; so he never +returned. + +Was his absence regretted? Who could solve the enigma on Eugénie's pale +face, when three years later, she married the man her mother had chosen +for her. But now when her thoughts wandered back from the letter before +her to those days of old, the words of a pensive song resounded in her +heart: "There was a time when happiness was mine to give and take +etc."---- + +The clattering of swift hoofs was now heard in the street, and she flew +to the window. A horseman on a beautiful grey Arab galloped through the +thick fog which closed behind him. Clouds of steam arose from the +reeking nostrils of the horse. + +With an agitated glow in her eyes, she watched the proud and manly +bearing of the rider, and the ease with which he managed his restless +horse. + +What a difference between this chivalrous firmness, and the soft +pensive manner of his youth. Still she had recognized at their first +meeting, that his heart had lost none of its fresh bloom; it was +developed not changed. Had he this time divested himself of his former +timidity, and spoken the binding words? She shuddered at the thought. + +Rapid steps were now heard ascending the stairs. Her habitual +self-command did not forsake her, and when Valentine entered the room, +her face was calm in spite of the quick beating of her heart. She met +him with a smile, and offered him her hand. "Good morning," she said: +"so you have kindly kept your promise! The triumphant prancing of your +horse has already apprised me that you return crowned with success." + +"Eugénie," he replied, "you must highly value my visit of to-day, for I +have made it in spite of my conviction that you will have a good laugh +at my expense. My only acquisition by yesterday's expedition is this +horse which I paid for in ready money, and this apple which I stole." +And he laid a fine wax-like apple on the table. "I do not hold the +booty obtained by your campaign so very despicable. I understand +nothing about horses, but as you doubtless obtained the apple from the +hands of your chosen one"---- + +"If I had but reached that point," he resumed despondingly; "the rest +would be easy enough. You are greatly mistaken, however, if you are +inwardly accusing me of having been again wanting in courage. It was +the superfluity of it which in this case hindered my success. Upon my +word, I would, without the slightest hesitation, have made a +declaration to each of the three young ladies, one after the other." + +"What a pretty disaster you would have caused." "I never expected +anything of you but an ironical pity. Still--you may judge from this +how thoroughly perplexed I am--I turn to you for help." + +"You expect more of me than with the best intentions I can give you." + +"Ah, but you can help me Eugénie. Now listen and I will give you an +account of it all. My friend, and I spent a whole day in their +company." + +"That is either a very long, or a very short time as you take it." + +"You are right. The time is long enough to fall in love with all three +sisters, and much too short to decide which of them is to be preferred. +The only way would be to take the whole batch from the nest." + +"Are the nestlings so unfledged that they would submit to that?" + +"To tell the truth I never thought of that. The chief thing for me is +to get so enraptured with one of the sisters, that she should banish +the other two from my mind. But at my age it is difficult to grow +enthusiastic." + +"Then all three are equally irresistible?" + +"Quite so, all of them made to be kissed, and each of them a different +style of beauty; so that when one sees them together one feels that one +could never be satisfied with only one of them." + +"Your account is given in too vague and extravagant terms. I wish to +have it in proper order, and with every detail. First then comes the +fair, then the auburn, then the dark one; or how do they follow in +age?" + +"I don't know." + +"Well, then we will arrange them according to size, and begin with the +smallest. Is it the auburn haired young lady?" + +"I really cannot tell." + +"You seem to have employed your time badly, or was it the triple +fascination which had such power over your feelings from the first, +that your senses left you?" + +"Certainly I cannot excuse myself on that score," he replied laughing. +"I do not remember a more disagreeable sensation than I had yesterday +on my way to L---- A visit to the dentist is a pleasure trip compared +to it. Several times I was on the point of jumping out of the carriage, +but then I reflected that my cousin's horses would soon have overtaken +me, and then I should have been delivered over ignominiously into the +hands of my evil destiny. For on this point, my friend, who is in every +other respect so yielding, knows no mercy. So I plucked up courage, and +thinking over all the evil that had ever befallen me in the course of +my life I tried to find comfort by repeating that in fact it all +amounted very much to the same thing. At last we arrived. I had +stipulated from the beginning that my cousin should not say a word of +my real purpose, either to the father, or to the young ladies. The +doctor was not at home when we first arrived, so we only found the +sisters of fate in the neatest of dresses, fresh and charming like +three rose buds on one stalk. Yes in truth they equalled the three +graces, and their manners too were far from being provincial. I could +not tire of looking at them." + +"The beginning seems promising." + +"When they perceived us, they left their several domestic occupations, +and ran to meet my cousin. Then arose a delightful trio of merry +girlish voices around us. Of course my share of their words, and looks +of greeting, was at first only what civility demanded, and I was quite +contented with this, as it gave me a good opportunity of quietly +observing them. When I first entered the room, and perceived the dark +haired young lady, who looked up from her work with large and wondering +eyes, I said to myself; This is the one, I always had a prediliction +for dark hair. The next moment however, I again wavered at the sight of +the fair haired one, whose voice is as clear as a bird's, and her skin +as white as the cherry blossom. Then the auburn haired one entered, +grace and modesty personified. You will understand, that under these +circumstances my countenance did not wear a very intelligent +expression. However I was soon on very good terms with the three young +ladies, and when they conducted me to the stables to show me the horse, +I even took the liberty of lifting the fair one on its back, and led it +about in the courtyard." + +"Then it is the fair one." + +"Not exactly; I only gave her a ride because she was the most +courageous, and appeared to be very familiar with the grey Arab. She +sat on his back with folded arms as calmly as if she had been on her +sofa, whereas the auburn haired one clung to the mane with a charming +timidity." + +"So all three had to display their horsemanship; at least you can now +judge of the weight of your future wife." + +"No, the dark haired one was not put to the test. Their father had now +joined us. He turned them out of the stable-yard, and charged them to +provide for our dinner. Then we soon settled the bargain, and ratified +it by a bottle of good Heidelberg wine. The doctor pleased me. He is +just the sort of man one would desire for a father-in-law. Besides he +is a good sportsman, an excellent judge of horses, and the best chess +player in the neighbourhood." + +"In that case your young wife will pass very amusing evenings." + +"If it ever comes to that. But as I said before I lost my time, and +opportunities, in a most inexcusable manner. In the afternoon we walked +through the town to see the old castle in which the former king gave +great entertainments, but under the present government it is quite +deserted. The place where the orange-trees stood is now turned into an +orchard. It was a pretty sight to see the delicious looking apples, and +pears lying carefully assorted in great heaps on the green grass; and I +never inhaled a more refreshing odour than was diffused over the spot. +So we walked along; the three sisters in front with light straw hats +and all dressed alike; then we three behind them. While I was examining +them, the thought struck me that I was now in the same position as that +prince who while keeping his father's flocks, was suddenly called on to +award the prize of beauty to one of the three goddesses." + +"So you appropriated to yourself this apple, hoping to extricate +yourself from your embarrassment by a symbolical allusion." + +"I certainly put it in my pocket with that intention; and as we rambled +through the old park, and now one of the sisters, and now another +walked beside me on the narrow path, I several times felt fully +convinced that just this girl was the right one and I secretly grasped +the apple. Then again when one of the others turned round towards me, +or some word or sound of laughter reached me I hastily replaced it. So +I did not dispose of it, and have brought it back with me. + +"Is it not provoking Eugénie, that when love was at hand courage was +wanting, and now that I have gained courage, love is not forthcoming." + +"You must not despair at the outset," she said, encouragingly. "Your +first attempt was not so very bad. Rome was not built in a day, neither +can you expect to found your domestic felicity in so short a time. Are +their names all equally pleasing to you? I lay much stress upon names, +and can easily understand the feelings of that dauphin who would not +wed a woman called Uracca." + +"That cannot decide me either," he answered, despondingly. "Anna, +Claire, and Mary, I know not which I prefer. No, my kind friend, I now +look to you for assistance." + +"To me, I cannot guess how I can be of use to you in this intricate +affair." + +"It is certainly a great favour which I require from your friendship," +he replied with some hesitation. He had now risen, and had taken the +apple in his hand. He threw it several times into the air, caught it +again, and finally replaced it on the table. "You see," he resumed, +"when after having passed a very restless night, I mounted my horse--my +cousin had driven back the same evening--and as I rode through the +fog in the frosty morning air, it occurred to me what a strange +co-incidence, it was that just before deciding on the most important +step of my life, I should meet you once more; you the only one who +really knows me, and in whom I could freely confide, were anything +wanting to your knowledge of my character. I recalled to mind all your +kindness to me, and also all the harm you have done me, and I felt +convinced that you really were my debtor, and owed me some reparation +for all my misfortunes, and privations. What I further thought, +Eugénie!----Well, that is not to the purpose now.--So I devised a plan +which I hope you will not mar." + +"What is it?" she asked absently. + +"Would you consent to get into a carriage with me, and accompany me to +L----? I would take you to the doctor's house, and then you could see +the three girls side by side. The one to whom you gave this apple would +become my wife. I solemnly promise you that I will not raise the +slightest objection to your choice." + +"You cannot give me full powers, and I could not accept them in such a +case." + +"And why so? I am quite convinced that I could be tolerably happy with +any one of them; indeed, for that matter, if I did not think it +presumptuous, I might simply write down their names, throw them into my +hat, and draw my lot with closed eyes. It could not be a great prize, +_that_ has passed for ever; at least many things would have to be +changed; but at all events I should not draw a blank. But why should it +be hazarded, why should you think the responsibility so great, if I +consult you as the friend of my youth, with the firm conviction that a +clever woman can more easily fathom the depth of a girl's character, +than a man ever can." + +"But even if I consented to your adventurous scheme, under what +pretence would you introduce me to the family?" + +"I have also considered this point," he said, striking with his whip +the many coloured pattern of the carpet. "I introduce you to the good +people as my betrothed. In this way we are sure to obtain our end, for +every girl, even the most undesigning, in the presence of a bachelor +endeavours to shew herself in the best light. They are daughters of +Eve. But if I return to them as one already disposed of we shall easily +be able to find out which of the sisters has been acting a part and, +perhaps, I may even discover that one of them has secretly monopolized +my heart. Surprise often brings to light the true character." + +He glanced at Eugénie who stood before him with an air of quiet +deliberation. She had let him come to the end of his proposal, but now +she shook her head. + +"Think of some other plan, Valentine. I cannot consent to this one." + +"There is no danger in it." + +"Possibly, but I am neither skilled enough, nor do I feel inclined to +act that part, and were I suddenly to drop the mask my embarrassment +could hardly exceed yours." + +"Consent at least to assume the character of a sister." + +She considered for a while. "If I agree to this," she said at last, "I +only do so for the sake of proving how little I can help you. The +qualities in a girl, which please or displease an old woman, are +totally different from those which seem important to a man. I confess +that curiosity has a share in my decision, and above all the fear of +your cousin, who would never forgive me if I did not further his +philanthropic plans on your behalf." + +"I thank you," he exclaimed joyously, taking her hand and kissing it. +"Now I am free from all anxiety. A true friend is certainly one of the +greatest blessings under heaven. I will go this moment to the landlord, +and order a carriage." + +"Your wooer's wings must submit however to some delay. Or do you expect +me to perform the part you have forced upon me in my morning dress and +cap?" + +"In truth," he replied, "I never noticed that. In my opinion you might +boldly drive to L---- in your present attire. The hair so pushed back +under your cap, shows your fair temples to advantage, I am enabled +again to admire those unruly meshes in your neck which in former days +ensnared my poor heart, like a fish struggling in a net." + +She held up her finger threateningly, and then said, while a sudden +blush suffused her face: "Take care, else I will betray you to your +future bride. Your triple courtship, however, excuses the disregard +with which you treat the toilette of an old friend. Here are some +books; amuse yourself in the meantime; I will be back presently." + +She disappeared into the adjoining room and closed the door behind her. + +He approached the table on which the apple lay, and after pensively +gazing at it for a while, he suddenly gave it an angry push, which sent +it flying over the edge of the table, and rolling across the carpet. He +sighed, and as if to rouse himself struck his hand with his whip till +it smarted. He then mechanically took up one of the books which lay in +the corner of the sofa. It was a volume of Mörike's poems, and they +exercised on him their powerful charm. He forgot all around him, and +drawn on from page to page was soon completely absorbed in "The moonlit +path of love once sacred." + +Suddenly the door from the passage opened and a lad of about ten years +rushed into the room. + +"Mother," he cried, "will you allow me---- Why to be sure she is not +here," he then said to himself, and turned his sharp clear eyes +inquiringly on the stranger. "Come here, my boy," said Valentine +stretching out his hand to him. "Your mother is dressing in the next +room. What is your name?" + +"Fred is my name." + +"Won't you give me your hand, Fred?" + +The lad hesitated. "Who are you?" he asked partly embarrassed, partly +defiant. + +"I am an old acquaintance of your mother's. She will not object to your +giving me your hand. So, that is right. Will you come to see me some +day? I have four handsome horses in my stables. I will give you a small +gun, and will take you out shooting with me. The first hare you shoot, +you shall bring to your mother." + +The boy's eyes sparkled, but suddenly he became thoughtful, and said, +"I should like it very much, but I must go to school. This is my last +holiday, and the two sons of the head-master have just invited me to go +into the fields with them to fly a kite." + +"Well, then you will come to see me in the vacation time. Would you +like that, Frederick?" + +"Yes, if my mother permits it." + +"Go, and ask her, my dear boy. We will become fast friends, won't we?" + +The lad nodded. Valentine took him up and kissed him. Then his mother +called him into her room; and Valentine heard him, as he eagerly +repeated what the strange gentleman had said to him. "He gave me a +kiss," continued the boy. "Why does he love from the first moment he +sees me?" + +They continued the conversation in an under tone, and then the boy left +his mother's room by another door. + +Valentine approached the window, and watched him as he left the house, +and joined his two playfellows, who had been waiting below for him. His +fair straight hair hung in masses about his shoulders; his round +childish face beamed underneath the border of his cap. Yet the man at +the window seemed to find no pleasure in the sight. + +When Eugénie, dressed for the drive, entered the room, she found him +still in the same position. She wore a dark green hat with a waving +black feather, and a short grey cloak which closely fitted her fine +figure. "I am ready, my friend," she said; "let us get into the +carriage?" + +He looked up in confusion. "The carriage?" he asked. + +"Yes, the carriage which I suppose you ordered long ago." + +"I confess," he replied, "that I have not yet done so. I did not expect +you to be dressed so soon." + +"You are certainly the first man to complain of that. Well, so it seems +that I must provide for our departure." + +She rung the bell and ordered a carriage. Whilst her orders were being +executed, Valentine remained standing near the window, and attentively +examined the arabesques on the curtain. He perceived that she stooped +to pick up the apple, but did not anticipate her. + +"Well, I think you ought to treat this fine apple with more respect," +she said jestingly. "You see it has been already injured by its heavy +fall." + +"Perhaps it were best Eugénie to leave it where it is. The reluctant +shudder of yesterday is already coming over me. Why must I try my luck +at L---- Why should it be one of the three sisters. Possibly I need not +look so far to find what I desire." + +"You ought to be ashamed of your vacillation," she answered with +comical solemnity. "Is this the courage you boasted of? Come, rouse +your spirits, and replace the stolen apple in your pocket. The sin you +have committed by this theft, can only be expiated by the more +difficult task of stealing the heart of one of the sisters. Come, I +hear the carriage driving to the door. You have excited my curiosity, +and I shall not rest till it is satisfied." + +When the carriage had left the town, and was rolling smoothly along the +even road, Valentine broke the silence. "I have become acquainted with +your son, Eugénie," he said. + +"You must praise him to me," she hastily returned; "I am a very proud +mother, he is the very image of his father." + +"I thought so," he resumed. "The face seemed strange to me. I only +recognized the mouth. This mouth is strikingly like yours, Eugénie." + +She turned away towards the carriage window, and her eyes wandered over +the landscape, which had now contracted, so as to form a narrow valley +surrounded on both sides by steep vineyards. The mist had entirely +cleared away, and the wet tendrils and leaves of the vines sparkled in +the bright sunlight. The river bordered with willows, and alders flowed +smoothly by the road side, and small barges glided rapidly along the +current. Nothing is so refreshing and enlivening as a drive on a fine +autumn day. Valentine experienced its charm and soon resumed the +conversation. He enquired after the health of her mother, and after a +while Eugénie began to speak of her husband. "You would have been his +friend, Valentine," she gravely said. "He was an excellent man, and a +brave officer and he had a profound and unaffected admiration for all +that is good and beautiful. Those who did not know him intimately +thought him cold and indifferent, but inwardly, he was full of generous +warmth which he kept for his family, his friends and those who were in +want. My mother still grieves for him, as she grieved for my father. I +hope that Frederick will some day resemble him in every respect." + +Valentine was silent for a long time. At last he asked, without looking +at his companion, "Have you never thought of choosing a second husband +among the many suitors who no doubt have surrounded you?" + +"No, my dear friend," she answered quietly. "Passions have never +troubled me, and a marriage founded on esteem--it always is a lucky +chance if one does not repent of it afterwards." + +They had now reached a turn in the valley, and the unexpected change of +scene interrupted the conversation. On the left hand where the vine +covered hills receded from the river, lay a small town, the industry of +whose inhabitants was testified by the smoking chimnies of many +factories, and the roaring and clashing of the water engines. + +A broad stone bridge led across the river, and high above the old gable +roofed houses, rose the graceful edifice of a gothic church, whose +perforated spire of delicate fret-work with the ornamented cross at the +top, projected boldly into the clear blue sky, and was surrounded by +swarms of pigeons. + +"This is C----" said the coachman, pulling up his horses for a moment, +and pointing towards the town with the end of his whip. + +"Drive over the bridge," cried Valentine; "we wish to visit that +beautiful cathedral before we proceed on our journey." + +Eugénie looked at him enquiringly. "Let me manage it all," continued +Valentine, turning to her. "We are sure of reaching the doctor's house +in good time, so I propose that we rest here awhile, climb up to that +steeple, and dine at the inn of the place; by this plan we shall not +arrive just as my future father-in-law is sitting down to dinner. +To-night there is full moon, so that our drive back, though somewhat +late, will not be the less pleasant." + +"Be it so," she replied, "I only stipulate that the rest of our plan +remain as we had first agreed upon, and that the valiant knight does +not seek a pretext to keep the apple again in his own pocket." + +He laughingly promised it on his honour as a knight. + +The carriage had now stopped before the cathedral. They got out and +desired the old portal to be opened for them. The grey-haired +door-keeper slowly led them through the lofty nave and aisles, coughing +and gasping at every step. + +"The dank air of the church is not good for you, old lady," remarked +Valentine. "Have you not a grandchild, who could serve in your stead, +as a guide to strangers? You ought to sit basking in the sun. Go, and +leave us to find the way by ourselves." + +"Showing the church is all well enough," replied the old woman, "but I +can no longer drag myself up the steep stairs of the steeple; so if the +lady and gentleman wish to climb up there, they will have to go by +themselves. You cannot miss the way; one flight of steps follows the +other, till you reach the upper gallery; once there, you will have had +enough of it." + +Valentine looked at Eugénie. "Shall we try?" he asked. She nodded, so +they passed through the narrow portal, guarded by two dragons hewn in +stone and they began their ascent; leaving their old conductress below. +Up there the scanty warmth, and light of the autumnal sun could not +penetrate, and the dim cool twilight which prevailed, inclined them to +silence. As they ascended the winding stairs, Valentine watched the +little feet, which so nimbly mounted the steps before him. He felt as +if he could not but follow them, even if they chose to venture out on +the steep roof, which now and then was to be seen through the +apertures. He heaved an involuntary sigh. She stopped on one of the +landing places, and turning looked smilingly at him. "You are out of +breath it seems." + +"On the contrary, I feel as if I had too much of it," he replied. + +"Do not squander it, methinks you will yet want it. See how high above +the world we are already, and still the gallery over the nave is much +higher." + +"I believe you are in fact leading me straight to heaven, Eugénie." + +"Gently, gently, you must first deserve it," she replied laughingly. + +"And if I carry it by storm?" + +"It remains to be seen whether you are as exempt from giddiness, as +such a titanic achievement would require. But I would rather you now +walked before me; for the stairs grow narrower, and narrower, and I +fear I shall lose courage if I see no one in front of me." + +He complied with her wish, and pensively ascended the steps before her. +Only the rustling of her dress against the wall told him that she was +still behind him. So they reached the first gallery which ran round the +base of the spire, and entered the interior part of it. "Don't let us +stop here," she said, "I will not look around me, till we have reached +to the very top. Meanwhile we can admire what is above us. Look how +curiously, this pointed airy tent of stone closes around us; a cool +bower. It is a pity that the wooden pillar which supports the small +upper staircase, somewhat disfigures it, and mars the effect of this +beautiful sculptured rosace. But to be sure without it, we could not +reach the very point of the spire. Come now, let us proceed in our +ascent." + +They soon stood beside each other on the aerial summit, and gazed with +exulting awe into the fathomless depth below them. The numberless +denticulations and ornamented pinnacles of the cathedral, the hundreds +of chimnies and roofs, the neat market-place with its quaint looking +old town-hail, the swarms of people in the streets, every thing +appeared small, strange, and silent as if it were a world of pigmies. +At a little distance the river basked in the sun, resembling a silver +snake, and its ripples glittered like scales in the light. Further down +the valley in the grey distance, above the vineyards rose the clear and +cloudless outlines of blue and purple hills. As they stood beside each +other, and leant over the stone parapet, he gazed intently at her +purely cut profile, which she had heedlessly exposed to the sun. Her +eyes were still fixed on the world below her; the wind had dishevelled +her long hair and the loosened tresses brushed Valentine's cheek. She +did not notice it; her parted lips eagerly inhaled the freshening +breeze, her delicate nostrils dilated, and the blood flowed more +rapidly through her blue veins. + +"Are we not amply repaid for the fatiguing ascent," she asked. "How +beautiful it is here. The further we are separated from our fellow +creatures the dearer to our hearts they become. I can easily imagine +that if a fierce misanthrope filled with animosity and hate were to +ascend to these heights, with the intention of precipitating himself +over the parapet, he would be suddenly softened and converted, after +looking on these humble roofs, underneath which thousands of people +bear the sufferings and toils of this life, and are contented if they +can only see the sun, and the sky, and the golden cross on their +steeple." + +"There certainly is a purifying virtue in the air of higher regions," +he replied in a low voice. "We are freed from the oppression of daily +petty considerations and customs, and are drawn nearer to the Creator. +We feel as if we were called to rise above the world, part of which we +survey at our feet. Even the most faint-hearted must feel the wings of +his soul expand, and that which he dared not utter or even think in the +midst of the din, and cares of every day life, here spontaneously flows +from his heart to his lips." + +Suddenly the sound of trumpets and flutes reached them from below, and +they saw a band of music followed by a crowd, slowly advancing in +solemn procession, as it issued out of one of the narrow streets, and +marched across the market-place. The brass of the instruments sparkled +in the sun and some of the people wore bouquets in their hats. +"Apparently a wedding," remarked Valentine. "But where is the bride?" +interposed Eugénie. "It rather seems to me to be one of those +expeditions which now daily proceed to the vintage accompanied by +singing and music. But you have just mentioned weddings; that reminds +me of the great aim of our excursion. Come let us descend." He appeared +not to have heard her. "Eugénie," he said, "if we had stood up here +fourteen years ago, all would have been different." + +"Who can say if it would have been better. I am inclined to think that +all that happens to us is well, and for our good." + +He had pulled out the apple, and held it before him on the stone +parapet. + +"Do you really believe that Eugénie?" + +"Yes, I do." + +"And if I had told you then, what escaped from my lips, the first +evening we again met, what would have been your answer?" + +"That question, is a matter of conscience, my dear friend," she +replied, carelessly, "which even up here a hundred feet above the every +day world you are not justified in asking. Before I could give you a +clear and concise answer, I should have to read through some chapters +in the book of my life, which I have not perused for many a year." "And +that truly is a trouble which I cannot expect you to take," he replied +in a pained, harsh tone. "Besides it would be useless labour as the +writing must have long since faded. I forgot that though the chapters +in my book, end in a blank, yours have a continuation." Saying these +words he leant over the parapet, and the apple he held in his hand +rolled as if by accident over the edge. In its fall it struck one of +the many pinnacles which surrounded the spire, and broke into several +pieces, which flew, describing wide curves, into the street. + +"What have you done Valentine?" exclaimed Eugénie; "where shall we be +able to steal another apple? Only fruits of stone can be plucked here. +But now let us hasten down." + +"You are right," he replied, indifferently, "here every thing is of +stone; I did not think of that." Then he remained silent till they +reached the streets. The gloom however, which had settled on his +countenance, could not hold out against the unconstrained gaiety of his +companion. His brow cleared before they had taken many steps on their +way to the inn. She had taken his arm through the narrow tortuous +streets, her cloak, which in the warm sunshine had become too heavy for +her, hung loosely from her shoulders. As they walked along, they joked +merrily at the smell of the new wine, which met them at the entrance of +every cellar and courtyard and even pervaded the precincts of the old +dilapidated church, and at the large vats which obstructed their way. + +When they reached the inn, the hour of the table d'hôte had passed, so +they sat down alone in the large room, at a small table, where they +were amply provided with the best wine of the country; but Eugénie +wished for a bottle of that year's vintage. She said she longed to +taste that beverage the scent of which she had so abundantly enjoyed +during her walk-- + +When she had tasted it, she praised the sweet and turbid drink. + +"It resembles first love," remarked Valentine, "beware of its strength; +it will turn your head." + +"At my age there is no danger of that," she replied, smiling. "I am an +old woman already, and take my daily nap after dinner. To-day this bad +habit will be of great service to me." + +She then retired to a room prepared for her, and Valentine remained +alone in company of the wine and his thoughts. The uneasiness of the +morning had passed, and he no longer pondered on what would be the end +of all this. The voice of a good genius secretly whispered in his ear +that fate now smiled on him. He looked around, as if to ascertain that +no one was near, and then hastily took a sip from Eugénie's glass, with +the devout superstition that it would help him to divine her thoughts. +As however no enlightenment on this point was vouchsafed him, he +consoled himself with the thought that without doubt, she was asleep at +that moment, and so could think of nothing. He represented her to +himself reclining on the sofa, her small feet crossed, and her head +drooping on her shoulder. A sensation of happiness thrilled through +him; he felt as if he must hasten upstairs, kneel before the fair +sleeper, and press her hand to his lips. But he soon rejected this +thought, lighted a cigar and patiently waited for Eugénie's appearance. +It certainly seemed as if the new wine had confirmed its reputation, +for more than an hour passed before the door was opened, and his fair +companion re-appeared. + +"Good morning," she exclaimed, "how long have I slept? truly this wine +though it seems so harmless, is even in its cradle as powerful as an +offspring of the gods. It will be late before we reach the home of your +fair ones." + +"We never can reach it late enough," he replied, laughing. "Think of +what you promised me on your honour as a knight," she said, with a +menacing gesture, "and hasten our departure. What a careless mother I +am, instead of spending my poor boy's last holiday with him, I stroll +about the country making the acquaintance of new wine, and old +churches." + +In spite of Valentine's efforts to hasten their departure the day had +waned before they reached their destination. The fog had gathered +again, when the carriage slowly ascended the hill on which the town was +built, and rattled over the bad pavement. Valentine lifted Eugénie from +the carriage when it stopped at the inn, and silently walked by her +side through the streets to the doctor's house. She remarked that he +was greatly agitated, and she almost felt pity for him, but they had +already mounted the stone steps which led up to the neat little house, +the knocker had sounded, and a moment afterwards the door was opened by +a stout little man with large gold spectacles. + +"Why, what's this!" cried the merry old gentleman, pushing back his +spectacles. "What gives me the unexpected pleasure of seeing you so +soon again? I hope there is nothing wrong about the horse----but I see +you have brought company with you, and I have left you standing out +there in this rude manner. You must excuse me, fair lady; you see we +are still barbarians in this remote corner of the world. I beg you will +honour, my humble roof. But now tell me seriously my dear friend _is_ +there anything the matter with Almansor? Unfortunately you will find no +one but myself at home, my dear Madam; my daughters will be +inconsolable when they hear that during their absence----but I will +send for them this very moment; but stop a bit! why confound me, I +remember now, I have already sent for them, they will be here in a few +minutes. To the left Madam if you please, will you kindly walk in here, +most honoured guests?" + +They entered the room, the door of which the lively little man had +opened for them. In the centre stood a table laid for four, on which +there were cold viands and a bottle of new wine. The whole was lighted +up by the faint twilight which stole through the window. "Now you can +judge for yourself, my most honoured friend, how we are treated by our +children," resumed the doctor. "Those naughty girls of mine run away, +and leave their papa to wait for his supper. We will play them a trick +however, nothing but the empty dishes, shall they find on their return. +But what a fool I am, inviting you to supper without considering that +this scanty meal is in no way fit for such charming visitors. +Unfortunately the cook is gone to summon them, so there is no one +to----But please to be seated at least, take off your hat and cloak, +and make yourself comfortable--Welcome to L---- most honoured lady. Now +my friend _do_ tell me has the horse?"---- + +"I can relieve your mind on that point my dear doctor," Valentine at +last interposed. "I value Almansor's excellent qualities more than +ever, since he has found favour in the eyes of my betrothed, to whom I +have the pleasure of introducing you." Eugénie bowed to their amazed +host. She checked the words which had risen to her lips, and only a +severe look reproved Valentine for this arbitrary assertion, so +contrary to their treaty. + +Had the little doctor entertained other hopes since yesterday's visit? +Had he attached greater importance to it than mere horse-dealing?--With +a low bow he stammered forth his congratulations, and thanked Valentine +for honouring him with this visit. However he soon recovered his jovial +equanimity and laughingly said: "Well, you are the most complete +hypocrite and false hearted friend! Did you not on this very spot abuse +matrimony so vehemently, that you even alarmed, and terrified such an +old widower as I am? and then to come next day accompanied by your +betrothed----Well, she certainly is bewitching enough to convert a +heathen.--Pardon me, pardon me, Madam." + +Valentine laughed. "I can assure you, doctor; that none but you are +responsible, if after all my yesterday's heresy has been retracted." + +"I? you are joking." + +"No, I am speaking in good earnest. For you have, or rather your horse +has been of great assistance to me in winning this fair lady's hand. +This morning when mounted on Almansor, I rode up to the window behind +which stood my beloved one, the sight melted the hardness of her heart, +and she acknowledged herself conquered. Hardly had I recovered my +senses, which were somewhat confused by this unexpected victory than I +declared that you should be the first person to hear of our engagement, +so we ordered a carriage and drove to L---- and now permit your +grateful and overjoyed friend to embrace you." + +"Ah!" exclaimed the delighted doctor, "my fancy for horses has caused +me many vexations, but this master-stroke of Almansor's makes ample +amends for it all. No my dear young lady, you need not take it amiss +that your betrothed has divulged your secret. I esteem you all the more +highly since I find that you acknowledge a man to be only complete on +horseback. Now leave it all to me, my eye ranges all over the country, +and if some day I should find a lady's horse worthy of cantering by the +side of Almansor----" + +"It shall be _mine_; let us shake hands over it, doctor, and the first +time I ride with my wife, you shall accompany us." + +"Agreed," cried the little man, and energetically shook hands with his +guest. "But where are those girls, confound them; just when all is +ready to celebrate this happy event they are wanting." + +"Are your daughters on a visit in the town?" asked Eugénie. + +"Yes, my dear young lady, they have been invited to one of the autumnal +grape gatherings, by a friend of mine, who has daughters of the same +age. I have no doubt, that the affair will finish off with a dance; +however I exercised my paternal authority, and strictly enjoined them +to come home before evening. I will not again allow them to dance at +this season of the year, for every time they have done so, they have +brought home bad colds. Now they will miss you delightful visit, and it +serves the disobedient hussies quite right--but they really must come I +will have them fetched home instantly! halloo Henry!" he shouted to a +farm-servant, whom he had seen passing, from the window; "just run over +to the Kitzinger garden and tell Margaret to bring them home +immediately. Now you see," he continued, turning to his guests, who sat +side by side on the sofa without looking at each other, "how little +respect a father enjoys. You must educate your children with more +severity. Ah! if my wife still lived, it would all be different." + +Eugénie blushed and remained silent, but Valentine exclaimed: "No, no +Doctor, don't disturb your daughters in their merry making. It is true +that I have praised them so much to my dear Eugénie that she will not +leave L---- without having made their acquaintance, but there will be +time for that to-morrow, for the moon does not make its appearance, +and I hear that we shall be well provided for at the inn of the +Crown."--"Are you not of my opinion darling," he said turning to +Eugénie, and suddenly approaching his lips to hers. + +"Valentine," said the young woman, and drew back quickly, "you seem to +have forgotten what you promised me."--"Now what do you say to that +Doctor? She reminds me of my promise, and does not keep hers. Eugénie +have you not vowed to agree to all my wishes, and are you justified in +refusing a kiss to your betrothed. Come now let us seal our engagement +as students seal their fellowship. We have not yet done so." + +"That is right!" exclaimed their host. "This is only new wine, but in +the cellar...." + +"Don't trouble yourself my dear friend; is not new wine sweet, turbid, +and intoxicating like first love. And you must know. Doctor, that the +fair charmer before you has been worshipped by me from the time I +entered college and though fate parted us in later days. 'Old love +fades not,' as the people say, and you know that 'the voice of the +people, is the voice of the gods.' So we will perform the sacred act +with none other but new wine. Fill your glass. Doctor!" + +He had risen with these words and again turned towards Eugénie, with +two full glasses in his hand. She sat on the sofa suffused with +blushes, and her eyes fixed on the ground. Maidenly confusion sealed +her lips, she tried to speak, but could not utter a word, so she took +the glass mechanically. He then knelt before her, twined his arm within +hers after the fashion of the students and emptied his glass at one +draught. She took a sip from hers with half averted face. Valentine +then threw away his glass and kissed her lips.[5] + +"That's right," said the doctor. "You need not blush fair lady, if an +old man like myself is present at so solemn an act. All I ask as a +reward for my good offices, is that I should be permitted to assist at +the wedding." + +Valentine silently nodded, and remained standing for a while before +her, pensively gazing on her calm brow. + +"My dear Doctor," he then began, "you must make some allowance for two +people who are nearly out of their senses with joy. It is no trifling +matter, I assure my dear friend, when one's betrothal is only of a few +hours standing; particularly as this cruel lady love of mine tormented +me so relentlessly with her wicked tricks, and her apparent +indifference struck me dumb, and made me feel as timorous as a bashful +youth. It was so years ago, when she was still in her mother's house, +and I used often to think that I should no longer be able to stand it, +but must plunge into the water to cool my smarting wounds. Then when we +again met after many years of separation she was just the same. How +often, by some jesting word has she not checked the confession which +hovered on my lips, that my feelings for her had remained unaltered; +and who knows how all would have turned out, had it not been for you, +my dear Doctor. Now, however, you see she has quite changed, and you +would never believe how much of subtleness and womanly art lies hidden +beneath those demure eyelids." + +"Nay, you calumniate me, dear Valentine," she said, and raised her +beautiful moist eyes to his. "It is only natural that I should not show +my feelings so openly here, in a house which is yet strange to me, +though it may not appear so to you." + +"And whose is the fault, if not mine," cried the doctor, "or rather of +those disobedient damsels who leave all the duties of a host to me." +"Well, where are they? what are they about, why are they not with you +Margaret?" he angrily asked the cook who had now entered the room. + +"You see. Sir, the master and mistress of the house pressed the young +ladies to stay for the evening," replied the old woman staring at the +two visitors with wondering eyes. "They promised that the young ladies +should not dance too much, and Miss Clara thought that if I put it in +that light to you Sir!..." + +"Deuce take it," cried the doctor, in a passion, "but they must come +home immediately!" + +"Nay, my dear Doctor," Eugénie said, entreatingly. "Pray do not burthen +our consciences with this cruelty." + +"Heaven forbid," Valentine hastily added. "Tomorrow there will be time +enough." + +"Well, let us go after them," proposed the doctor, "what do you say to +closing this eventful day with a dance?" + +"Are we not better here," replied Valentine, "we do not know your +friends, and would greatly prefer remaining another hour under your +hospitable roof if you will permit us to do so. Is it not so Eugénie?" + +She nodded. The old gentleman then rubbed his hands delightedly, and +declared that he had not felt so pleased for many a year. He sent the +maid into the cellar and the larder and made her bring all that was to +be found in the house, in spite of the entreaties of his visitors not +to make so much ado for them. When they were at last sitting gaily and +comfortably together, the doctor exclaimed with a look of satisfaction: +"Now if the girls but knew what they have missed by their +disobedience!" + +Valentine smilingly looked at Eugénie who had now completely recovered +her usual calm demeanour and gave with composure her opinion on the +subject of the future arrangement of their life, which Valentine had +proposed, and played her part admirably. + +When the clock struck ten, she arose. "I am afraid, we can await your +daughters no longer;" she said, "to-morrow, when they have rested after +their dancing we will return." + +"I will not detain you," replied the doctor, "for I verily believe that +they will not come home, till I go and fetch them myself. That is the +way they treat their old father. I will forgive them, however, this +time an account of the pleasure they have procured me of having your +society all to myself. But I rely on your promise to return to-morrow, +and perhaps, you will understand my paternal weakness when you see +these naughty daughters of mine." + +So they all set forth; the doctor had insisted on accompanying them to +the door of the hotel; there he left them, and they silently followed +the waiter who carried the light before them. He opened two adjoining +rooms and after wishing them good night disappeared. + +Valentine stretched out his hand to Eugénie. She pressed it, and said +calmly, looking up at him, + +"Good night to you, my dear friend, sleep well, and au revoir +to-morrow." + +Then she entered her room and closed the door behind her. + +After remaining quiet for some time he knocked gently at the door which +separated the two rooms. + +"Eugénie," he whispered. + +"What do you want?" she asked. + +"Your good night of before, was against our treaty." + +"Against what treaty?" + +"That which we solemnly ratified with the doctor's new wine." + +"I think we have had enough of this acting I only agreed to the pledge +because I thought it lay in my part." + +"Can we not continue in earnest, what we began in jest. At all events +it was a solemn vow made before witnesses." + +"Well, then I will make up for it to-morrow morning, and now once more +good night." But no movement showed that she had turned from the door. +So after a pause Valentine began again, + +"And all the rest may I not consider it as true?" + +"What do you mean?" + +"Well, all that we acted this evening." + +"That is a good deal." + +"Eugénie." + +"Well." + +"Can that be too much which alone can give me back the life and +happiness you have taken from me a thousand times?" + +"When I consider...." + +"Oh, Eugénie, say that I may throw myself at your feet, that I may +kneel before you. Do open the door--!" + +"Gently, gently, my dear friend. You certainly deserve some punishment. +What! is this all your courage? You can only speak out what weighs on +your mind behind the shelter of a closed door! I will bet anything that +you have even put out the light hoping that the darkness may give you +confidence. You dare not acknowledge your love for me in the face of +day. You are a poor hero indeed. But I will now confess to you that I +have owed you a grudge for many a year." + +"You are jesting again, Eugénie." + +"No, this time I am thoroughly in earnest. If in former years you had +as little courage as now, why at all events could you not have been as +cunning. Was there no door then behind which you could have owned to me +what now comes too late!" + +"Too late? No, Eugénie; where are the years that separate us from that +time? Is it not the same timid lad of those days who now stands here, +and implores you to lighten the darkness around him with a heavenly ray +from your eyes. Can you leave me to despair?" + +He waited some time for an answer. Suddenly the door was noiselessly +opened, and she stood before him smiling, but with tears in her eyes. + +"One kiss freely given you, as a token of forgiveness for all you have +made me suffer," she said. + +He folded her in his arms and she softly passed her hand across his +brow, saying: "Here, there are many lines, but our hearts are still +fresh and youthful, and to-morrow we will begin life anew where we left +it off fourteen years ago." + +She pressed her lips to his, and with his arm round her waist, he led +her to the window. The moon had dispersed the fog, and a gentle +autumnal breeze wafted the scent of the grapes through the open +casement. + +"Let US drive back to-night, my darling," she said. "I could not sleep +now, and the air is quite mild. Go, while you order the carriage, I +will write a few lines to the doctor, and tell him not to expect us +to-morrow: Is it true, Valentine, can it be true, that we have at last +told each other what we knew years ago?"-- + + + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 1: A part of Switzerland on the frontiers of Italy.--The +Translator.] + +[Footnote 2: Not the Lombardy poplar, but the populus Alba, or Abele +tree, which is wide spreading.--The Translator.] + +[Footnote 3: Name of a proménade at Meran.--The Translator.] + +[Footnote 4: Lauben. A provincial term for arcades.--The Translator.] + +[Footnote 5: This is an old custom at the German universities when +a new comer enters the Fellowship--they call it "Brüderschaft +trinken."--The Translator.] + + + + THE END. + + + + + * * * * * + PRINTING OFFICE OF THE PUBLISHER. + * * * * * + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Dead Lake and Other Tales, by Paul Heyse + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEAD LAKE AND OTHER TALES *** + +***** This file should be named 33916-8.txt or 33916-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/9/1/33916/ + +Produced by Charles Bowen, from page images provided the Web Archive + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Dead Lake and Other Tales + +Author: Paul Heyse + +Translator: Mary Wilson + +Release Date: October 18, 2010 [EBook #33916] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEAD LAKE AND OTHER TALES *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Bowen, from page images provided the Web Archive + + + + + +</pre> + + +<p class="hang1">Transcriber's Notes:<br> +1. Page scan source: http://www.archive.org/details/deadlakeothertal00heys</p> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<div style="line-height:200%"> +<h2>COLLECTION</h2> + +<h4>OF</h4> + +<h1>GERMAN AUTHORS.</h1> + +<h3>VOL. 15.</h3> + + +<hr class="W20"> + + +<h2>THE DEAD LAKE & OTHER TALES BY PAUL HEYSE.</h2> + +<h2>IN ONE VOLUME.</h2> +</div> + + +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<div style="line-height:200%"> +<h1>THE DEAD LAKE</h1> + +<h4>AND</h4> + +<h2>OTHER TALES</h2> + +<h4>BY</h4> + +<h2>PAUL HEYSE.</h2> +</div> +<br> +<br> +<br> + + +<h3>FROM THE GERMAN BY</h3> +<h4>BY</h4> +<h2>MARY WILSON.</h2> +<br> +<h4><i>Authorized Edition</i>.</h4> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<h2>LEIPZIG 1870</h2> +<h3>BERNHARD TAUCHNITZ.</h3> +<h4>LONDON: SAMPSON LOW, SON, AND MARSTON.<br> +CROWN BUILDINGS, 188, FLEET STREET.<br> +PARIS: C. REINWALD, 15, RUE DES SAINTS PÈRES.</h4> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h2>CONTENTS.</h2> +<div style="margin-left:20%"> +<p class="continue"><a name="div1Ref_dead" href="#div1_dead">A FORTNIGHT AT THE +DEAD LAKE</a></p> + +<p class="continue"><a name="div1Ref_doomed" href="#div1_doomed">DOOMED</a></p> + +<p class="continue"><a name="div1Ref_beatrice" href="#div1_beatrice">BEATRICE</a></p> + +<p class="continue"><a name="div1Ref_beginning" href="#div1_beginning"> +BEGINNING, AND END</a></p> +</div> + +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<hr class="W10"> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + + +<h2>A FORTNIGHT</h2> + +<h3>AT</h3> + + +<h1>THE DEAD LAKE.</h1> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="div1_dead" href="#div1Ref_dead">THE DEAD LAKE.</a></h2> +<hr class="W10"> +<br> + +<p class="normal">Summer was at its heighth, yet in one corner of the Alps an icy cold +wind revolted against its dominion, and threatened to change the +pouring rain into snow flakes. The air was so gloomy that even a house +which stood about a hundred paces from the shore of the lake, could not +be distinguished, although it was white-washed and twilight had hardly +set in.</p> + +<p class="normal">A fire had been lighted in the kitchen. The landlady was standing by it +frying a dish of fish, while with one foot she rocked a cradle which +stood beside the hearth. In the tap room, the landlord was lying on a +bench by the stove, cursing the flies which would not let him sleep. A +barefooted maid of all work sat spinning in a corner, and now and then +glanced with a sigh, through the dingy panes at the wild storm which +was raging without. A tall strong fellow, the farm servant of the inn, +came grumbling into the room: he shook the rain-drops from his clothes, +like a dog coming out of the water, and threw a heap of wet fishing +nets into a corner. It seemed as if the cloud of discontent and +ill-humour which hung over the house, was only kept by this moody +silence from bursting into a storm of discord and quarreling.</p> + +<p class="normal">Suddenly the outer door opened, and a stranger's step was heard groping +through the dark passage; the landlord did not move, only the maid +rose, and opened the door of the room.</p> + +<p class="normal">A man in a travelling suit stood at the entrance, and asked if this was +the inn of the dead lake. As the girl answered shortly in the +affirmative, he walked in, threw his dripping plaid and travelling +pouch on the table, and sat down on the bench apparently exhausted; but +he neither removed his hat heavy with rain nor laid down his walking +stick, as if intending to start again after a short rest.</p> + +<p class="normal">The maid still stood before him, waiting for his orders, but he seemed +to have forgotten the presence of any one in the room but himself, +leant his head against the wall, and closed his eyes; so deep silence +once more reigned in the hot dark room, only interrupted by the buzzing +of the flies, and the listless sighs of the maid.</p> + +<p class="normal">At last the landlady brought in the supper; a little lad who stared at +the stranger carried the candle before her. The landlord rose lazily +from his bench, yawned and approached the table leaving to his wife the +charge of inviting the stranger to partake of their meal. The traveller +refused with a silent shake of the head, and the landlady apologized +for the meagreness of their fare. Meat, they had none, except a few +live ducks and chickens. They could not afford to buy it, for their own +use, and now travellers never came that way, for two years ago, a new +road had been made on the other side of the mountain, and the post +which had formerly passed their inn now drove the other way. If the +weather was fine, a tourist, or a painter who wished to sketch the +environs of the lake now and then lodged with them; but they did not +spend or expect much, neither was the selling of a few fish very +profitable.</p> + +<p class="normal">If however the gentleman wished to remain over night, he would not fare +badly. The bedrooms were just adjoining, and the beds well aired. They +had also a barrel of beer in the cellar, good Tyrolese wine, and their +spirits of gentian was celebrated. But all these offers did not tempt +the guest; he replied that he would stay for the night, and only wished +a jug of fresh water. Then he arose and without casting a single look +at the people seated round the table, and silently eating their supper, +or taking any notice of the little boy of ten, although the child made +the most friendly advances, and gazed admiringly at his gold watch +guard, which sparkled faintly in the dim light. The maid servant took +another candle from the cornice of the stove, and showed him the way to +the next room, where she filled his jug with fresh water, and then left +him to his own thoughts.</p> + +<p class="normal">The landlord sent an oath after him. "Just their usual luck," he +grumbled, if any guest ever came to them, it was always some idle +vagrant who ordered nothing, and finally took his leave without paying +for his bed, often disappearing in company with the bedclothes. His +wife replied that it was just those folks, who regaled themselves on +all that larder and cellar could supply, and tried to ingratiate +themselves with the landlord. This gentleman was ill in mind or body, +as he neither ate nor drank. At this moment the stranger again entered +the room, and asked if he could have a boat, as he wished to fish on +the lake by torchlight, as soon as the rain had ceased.--The landlady +secretly poked her husband in the side, as if to say "Now, you see! he +is not right in the head; don't contradict him for heaven's sake."</p> + +<p class="normal">The landlord who was fully aware of the advantage to be gained by this +singular demand, answered in his surly manner, that the gentleman could +have both his boats, though it was not the fashion in these parts to +fish at night, but if it amused him he was welcome to do so. The farm +servant would prepare the torch immediately--so saying, he made a sign +to the tall fellow who was still occupied in picking his fish bones, +and opened the door for his guest.</p> + +<p class="normal">The rain had not ceased and the water was dashing and gushing from the +gutters. The stranger seemed insensible to any outward discomfort; he +hastily walked towards the shore, and by the light of the lantern which +the farm servant had brought with him, he examined the two boats, as if +he wished to make sure which of them was the safest. They were both +fastened under a shed, where different fishing implements were lying +under some benches. Then sending back the farm servant under some +pretext or other, he sought on the shore of the lake for a couple of +heavy stones, which he placed in the largest of the two boats.--He drew +a deep breath, and stood for a moment with his eyes fixed on the dark +water, which as far as one could see by the light of the lantern was +furrowed by the drizzling rain. The wind had ceased for a moment, the +surf foamed, and dashed round the keel of the small boats; from the +house, one could hear the monotonous sing song of the landlady who was +lulling her baby to sleep. Even this sounded melancholy, reminding more +of the cares of motherhood than of its joys, and heightened the dismal +impression made by the forsaken aspect of this corner of the world.</p> + +<p class="normal">The stranger was just returning to the house, when he heard on the road +coming from the south, along which he had also travelled that morning, +the cracking of a whip and the crashing and creaking of wheels which +were drawn heavily up the hill through the deep and sloughy ruts. +Shortly afterwards a lightly covered carriage stopped before the inn. +Lights were brought to the door, a female voice asked questions which +the landlady answered in her most amiable tones; then two women got out +of the carriage and carefully carried something wrapped up in cloaks +into the house. The farm servant helped the coachman to bring his +horses under shelter. A few minutes later every thing had relapsed into +the former silence.</p> + +<p class="normal">It had all passed like a vision before the stranger, neither awakening +his curiosity, nor, still less, his interest. He once more looked up at +the dense clouds to see if there was any chance of their dispersing, +and then entered the house where lights were now shining in the room +opposite the tap room, and shadows were flitting to-and-fro behind the +curtains. He gave back the lantern to the man, and some orders about +baits and fishing hooks which he would require in the morning, and +retired to his room.</p> + +<p class="normal">There he lighted the candle, and placed it in a bent candlestick, which +stood on the rickety table.--Then he threw open a casement to let out +the stuffy and damp air, and for a while looked out on the splashing +and spirting gutter in which a cork was restlessly dancing. Further off +no object could be discerned; the inky darkness of the cloudy sky hid +everything from view. The wind howled in a ravine near the lake, like +some caged beast of prey, and the trees near the house groaned under +the weight of the gushing rain. It was an unfavourable moment for +standing near an open window but the stranger seemed to be listening +intently to the dismal sound of the storm which raged without. Only +when the wind drove the rain straight into his face, he moved away, and +paced up and down between the bare walls of the little room, with his +hands crossed behind his back. His face was quite calm, and his eyes +appeared to be looking beyond what surrounded him, into some distant +world.</p> + +<p class="normal">At last he took writing materials, and a small portfolio from his +travelling pouch, sat down beside the dim candle, and wrote as follows:</p> + +<p class="normal">"I cannot go to rest, Charles, without bidding you good night. How +weary I am, you must have perceived when we met, unfortunately for so +short a time, six weeks ago. <i>Then</i> I ought to have spoken to you, and +we might have come to an agreement on this chapter on pathology, as we +have done on so many others: Had I done so, I could now have quietly +smoked my last cigar, instead of tiring us both, with this dull +writing, but the words seemed to cleave to my lips. We should have +probably disputed about the matter--Each of us would have maintained +his own opinion, so I thought it useless to spoil the few hours we had +to spend in each other's society. I am well acquainted with your +principles, and know that if you were here, you would endeavour to +reconcile me to existence. But you would wrong me, if you thought that +I had caused this dissension between life and myself which nothing but +a divorce can appease. I would willingly live if I <i>could</i>. I am not +such a coward, or so fastidious that a few 'slings and arrows of +outrageous fortune' should drive me distracted and make me take the +resolution to leap out of my skin in the full sense of the word. Who +would throw over the whole concern, and fume against the inscrutable +Powers because many things are disagreeable to bear? Are not the +decrees of the eternal powers equally unfathomable and indisputable? +But here lies the fault--I can play the part of a wise man no longer. +The desperate attempt to save reason at least from the general wreck of +soul and mind has failed. Just now when I watched an old cork which had +fallen into the gutter, and which lashed by the rain was helplessly +whirling about in the dirty puddle, the thought struck me that this +cork was my own brain which had stolen from out my heated skull, and +was now taking a shower bath. If such an absurd fancy could take +possession of my mind for a whole quarter of an hour, then must the +last prop of my reason be fast giving way.</p> + +<p class="normal">"I have the highest idea of the self-sacrificing duties of a man +towards his fellow-creatures, yet I cannot calmly see the moment +approach when the asphyxiated soul is to be buried alive, watch the +loss of self-consciousness, and finally sink lower than the most +miserable brute. This, my dear Charles, would require the dullness of a +sheep patiently awaiting the butcher's knife, though it feels a worm +gnawing at its brain.</p> + +<p class="normal">"But I quite forget that this will seem but a confused outpouring of +words to you, who are only aware of a portion of my calamities. You +only know what the rest of the world is acquainted with--that my +adopted sister died, this day year, that her father followed her a few +days later, and her mother in the spring of this year.--You also know +that my family consisted of only these three--that I loved them +dearly--that, in fact, except yourself, they were the only beings to +whom I was much attached.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Under any circumstance their loss would have wounded me deeply, but I +should have ended by overcoming this grief. Even had they been severed +from me at a single stroke, I could have bravely outlived it. Truly the +death of one man is always irreparable but his life is never +indispensable. Science, my profession, my youth, would have healed the +wound.--Now, it is still open, and the blood which flows from it cannot +be stanched, for these three precious lives would have been spared, but +for me!...</p> + +<p class="normal">"I must begin from the beginning, Charles, if I wish to make these sad +words clear to you.--You know, I believe, that I hardly ever saw my own +parents, that after the death of my father, I should have been brought +up at the orphan asylum, if those generous people had not taken pity on +the son of the poor surgeon, and adopted me. My foster-father was one +of the most opulent merchants of the town.--When he gave me a home, he +was still childless after eight years of marriage. He hoped that my +presence would cheer him, and his wife, and enliven the quiet dull +house. Unfortunately, at first, I but ill rewarded the kindness of the +worthy couple, though I was greatly attached to them. I was a reserved, +irritable, and unamiable lad, with a great tendency to ponder over +everything. My behaviour vacillated between a moody silence which +lasted for days, and sudden and passionate outbreaks of temper. Even +now I feel deeply ashamed when I think of the truly angelic patience +with which my foster-parents bore my perverseness, and tried to +moderate my violent temper without ever showing how sorely I +disappointed their hopes.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Suddenly all was changed. When I had lived about two years in their +house, my adoptive parents saw their heart's desire fulfilled. A child +was born to them, the most beautiful and gifted creature I have ever +seen. As if by magic, everything grew bright--even I, was changed, and +became a good-humoured and sensible lad. I was quite infatuated about +the little girl, and watched her like a nurse. For hours together I +played with her. I taught her to speak, to run, forgot my dearest +occupations, and all my schoolfellows when with her.</p> + +<p class="normal">"My behaviour towards her parents also completely altered. These +excellent people, instead of no longer caring for my society, now +redoubled their kindness towards me, and seemed to regard both of us as +their children and as having an equal right to their affection.</p> + +<p class="normal">"As time went on, my fraternal love for the little Ellen only increased +with my years; the more so, that a curious similarity in our characters +became more perceptible every day. She was not one of those soft, +pliable and easily managed girls who give no more trouble to their +mothers, than to their future husbands. She would suddenly change from +the most extravagant gaiety, to the deepest melancholy--if one can use +the term, melancholy, in speaking of a child. In those moments, she +would steal out of the garden where she had been romping, and laughing +with her little companions, and come to my little room, sit down with +grave face, opposite to me, at my writing-table, and read the first +book she could get hold of.</p> + +<p class="normal">"From my school-days upwards, I had always been heart and mind, a +naturalist, and had no other thought, but that I would study medicine +as my father had done. I used to show her all my collections, even the +skeleton of a large monkey which stood in a corner behind my bed, and +to hold most unchildlike conversations with the little girl; at other +times she would communicate her childishness to me; I cooked for her +dolls and physicked them after having first carefully bedaubed their +faces with the tokens of the measles and I filled her little garden +with all sorts of medical herbs from my herborium. We never shewed much +tenderness towards each other. Only once I kissed her lips; it was when +I left for the University at nineteen years of age.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Though I deeply felt the pain of leaving my adoptive home, yet I +fancied it would not become me as a man to show any emotion, still my +voice failed me when my dear mother embraced me with tears in her eyes. +Little Ellen stood pale, and silent by her side. I turned to her with +some joke and jestingly gave her different directions about the care of +my zoological collection, (preserved in camphor and spirits of wine) +which I had entrusted to her charge. Then I drew this child of eight +into my arms to bid her farewell. As I kissed her, I was startled by a +sudden shudder which ran through her frame, as if an asp had bitten +her. She staggered back with closed eyes and nearly fainted away. She +quickly recovered however, and next day wrote me a childishly merry +letter.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Since that day I only once touched her lips again, and then they were +cold and closed for ever.</p> + +<p class="normal">"How the six years of my University career passed, how I found life at +home when I returned for the holidays would be useless to relate. It +would be a long, and monotonous narrative. Some estrangement arose +between me and my foster-sister, partly through my fault, for science +and study monopolized my attention more and more. From year to year +this strange girl grew more reserved in my presence. Only in her +charming letters could I discover a trace of the old intimacy of our +childhood.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Her outward development did not fall short of its early promise.</p> + +<p class="normal">"She was fullgrown at the age of fourteen; somewhat slender, but quite +formed. The small portrait of her which I once showed you has but +little resemblance. Her character, if I may so express myself, was even +more mature than her person, and only betrayed itself in her movements. +A stately calm, an indifference, scarcely concealed for many things +which generally appear alluring at her age, isolated her a good deal. +Then again, when she wished to please, her smile, the gentle and timid +yielding up of herself had a charm not to be described. Few knew her +real value, her genuine upright soul; and among those few, her brother +was not. I was then too much engrossed by my studies, too eager to +solve the mysteries of physical science, to care about the secrets of +that young heart. Strange to say although I was always of a sensual +disposition, and certainly no paragon of virtue, and having eyes to see +could easily perceive, that all my conquests, compared with that +remarkable girl, appeared like housemaids beside a young princess, yet +it never entered my head to fall in love with her. When I wrote home, +it was always to my foster-mother, and she had to remind me sometimes, +of what was due to my little sister.</p> + +<p class="normal">"She once wrote that the child who was as reserved as ever, did not +show what she felt, although my neglect seemed to hurt her, and one day +when I had forgotten even to mention her in my letter, she had cried +the whole night.</p> + +<p class="normal">"I hastened to repair my negligence, and wrote her a most penitent +letter half in earnest, half in jest, accusing, myself of the darkest +crimes towards my faithful little sister, protesting that she was a +thousand times too kind to me a petrified egotist whose very heart had +been turned to stone, among skeletons and anatomical preparations. Her +answer was full of loving kindness, and after that our fraternal +intercourse seemed re-established on the old footing.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Then she was fourteen years of age. On her fifteenth birthday, I +passed my examination for a doctor's degree and we exchanged merry +congratulations by telegraph.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Then I travelled during a year with you for a companion, and you will +remember that the letters I received from home often made me slightly +uneasy.</p> + +<p class="normal">"My mother wrote that Ellen was not well; she did not complain, but her +altered looks only too visibly testified to her sufferings. The old +family physician looked rather grave about it. Now I was well +acquainted with this good old gentleman. He was a strict adherent of +the old school, and greatly prejudiced against the stethoscope, +otherwise he had the reputation of much experience in diagnostics, and +of great caution, and attention.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Still this could not tranquillize me, and my parents who believed me +to be the greatest medical genius in the world, expressed a strong +desire, that if I could possibly get away, I should hasten home and +have a consultation with the old doctor. So I determined, as you know +to quit my studies in Paris--to hurry home, and decide for myself if +all was as it should be.</p> + +<p class="normal">"When I arrived, Ellen advanced to greet me, looking so well, and +lively, that at the first moment, I asked with playful indignation, if +this was the august patient to attent to whose delicate health, a +celebrated young physician had been summoned from a great distance. +Poor child! the pleasure caused by my having set aside every other +consideration for her sake, gave that delusive air of blooming health. +I soon perceived that the old doctor had not looked grave without +cause. I was decidedly however opposed to his opinion that she was +threatened with pulmonary disease. After a most careful auscultation, I +had found her lungs to be perfectly sound, whereas the palpitations of +her heart seemed to be somewhat irregular; this symptom proceeded from +a morbid state of the nervous, and blood system. Accordingly the first +treatment which was principally directed against everything stimulating +and enjoined great quiet, seemed to me the reverse of salutary. I +prescribed steel, wine, and strengthening food, to rectify the poverty +of blood, and declared that the remedies by which the old doctor hoped +to ward off the disease were as bad as poison in her case. Her parents, +of course, sided with me, particularly as the apparent success of my +treatment during the first weeks of my stay with them corroborated my +statement. Ellen felt more lively, and stronger, her sleep and appetite +returned, and while the old practitioner withdrew deeply hurt, and +mortified, I enjoyed the first pleasures of fame though it still stood +on a very precarious footing, and I felt the happiness of having +delivered those dear to me, from a heavy care.</p> + +<p class="normal">"I never intended to establish myself in that town. I knew that I could +only reside in a large capital where I could find better assistance in +my studies. I, therefore, carefully entrusted Ellen's treatment to the +second doctor of the place, a very humble man, rather irresolute, and +dependent on others, who in presence of so young, and far travelled a +colleague, meekly resigned any opinion of his own, and promised to keep +strictly to the enjoined course of treatment; and now and then to write +and inform me of the progress of the cure. The parents saw me depart +with heavy hearts, but my welfare, and their duty with regard to my +success in life, outweighed any wishes of their own, and Ellen eagerly +seconded my desire. I had already lost too much of my precious time on +her account, she said; she felt much better, and now that she knew my +orders, no one should induce her to do anything I had not sanctioned. I +still see the smile with which she bade me good-bye, while the +repressed tears choked her voice. Alas! Charles, it was the last time +that I saw a smile light up that dear face!</p> + +<p class="normal">"So I departed entirely blinded, and at the commencement of my stay at +M---- I was so completely taken up with the exercise of my profession, +that in the letters from home I only noticed the favourable +particulars; especially as Ellen's frequent accounts of herself, which +almost formed a sort of diary, lulled me into so perfect a security, +that I fancied, the care and anxiety which now and then appeared in her +mother's letters to be only caused by the exaggerated fondness of a +mother's heart.</p> + +<p class="normal">"My colleague full of respect for my green wisdom, did his best to +interpret every graver symptom in favour of my diagnostics, and so I +lived on, a rose coloured mist blinding my eyes, till the darkest night +suddenly closed around me.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Ellen's letters which in the later weeks had become rather dispirited +suddenly stopped. In their stead I received a letter from the doctor, +about six months after my departure saying that another consultation +with me seemed to him most desirable. In the last few weeks several +symptoms had suddenly changed, so that he dared not proceed in the +former manner without further orders. My adoptive parents also eagerly +intreated me to come to them.</p> + +<p class="normal">"But even in spite of all this, I still lingered, certainly not for any +frivolous reason; the life or death of some of my patients, just then, +depending on my stay. At last a telegraphic despatch startled me into +activity. A vomiting of blood had taken place: If you do not come +instantly, wrote her mother, you will not find her alive.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Late at night I arrived at their house feeling as if I myself were +dying. On that dreadful journey the scales had suddenly fallen from my +eyes, and with the same ingenuity which I had formerly exercised to +confirm my own errors, I now sought out every argument expressly to +torment myself with the conviction that I alone was responsible for the +loss of this much cherished being. I tottered up the well-known stairs. +Her mother met me on the landing, tearless, but with a disturbed look +in her eyes. It seemed almost like a relief to me, when she exclaimed: +'you are too late!'--I had dreaded to meet the eyes of my poor sister, +as a murderer dreads the dying look of his victim. And yet it was more +painful to see the calm face, which reclined on her pillows, smiling, +and free from reproach.</p> + +<p class="normal">"No one accused me; they still believed in me, and laid the blame on +different incidents, but I felt crushed under the weight of my despair, +and the wildest self-reproaches.</p> + +<p class="normal">"On entering the chamber of death, her father looking like a corpse, +staggered heavily into my arms, and losing all self-command, burst +into such convulsive sobs, that the people passing in the streets +stopped to listen. Then the sight of all the old servants who had +adored her; of her mother so completely <i>changed</i>--even to this day my +hair stands on end when I think of that dreadful scene. The mother +beside herself with grief called for wine, for I was to drink Ellen's +health?--she supposed the 'so called good God' would not object to +that. But when the servant brought it, the father taking the glass from +the plate dashed it against the wall, crying out: 'broken! dead!' A +hundred times, till his voice was choked by tears.--At last his wife +led him away and I was left alone with the dead.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Enough of this dreadful night. I need only add that by dissection, I +obtained a full confirmation, of that, of which the quick penetration +of the old physician had foreseen the danger.--Could it have been +averted? Who can say with certainty whether a conflagration can be +stayed or not, if he does not know what feeds it, or from whence the +wind blows. I had poured fuel on the fire which had snatched away this +innocent life.</p> + +<p class="normal">"You may imagine that I did not close my eyes that night. The morning +found me still sitting, racked with pain and fever, by the bed-side of +my sister, when the door opened, and her mother entered the room. She +had recovered the noble and gentle serenity of her features, now that +the first delirium of despair had passed. She kissed me, with +overflowing tears, and even in my burning eyes the tears welled up. 'My +dear son,' she said 'I here surrender to you a small packet which I +found in her writing-table: Your name is on it.'</p> + +<p class="normal">"It was her diary, beginning with her twelfth year, up to a few days +before her death--On every page I found my name; on the last were these +words, 'I am dying, darling--I have known you and been permitted to +love you. What more can life bring me? I now have no other wish but +that you should know that I only lived for you, and through you!'--And +this to her murderer!!</p> + +<p class="normal">"All the events that succeeded; the death of her father, the short +widowhood of her mother, who pined away till she was at last re-united +to her darling ones, all this, sad as it was, could no longer move me, +the darkness within me was so great--What mattered it if one spark more +died out or not? <i>That</i> I never could forget or overcome--That all +hopes of ever being happy again were at end, was a conviction deeply +impressed on my heart.</p> + +<p class="normal">"I repeated to myself a hundred times, that I had acted for the +best according to my belief, that every one of my colleagues had +experienced a like misfortune, that we were only responsible for our +intentions--But in spite of all this, did these three lives weigh the +less on my soul? Could I absolve myself, were all the judges in Heaven +and earth to proclaim me free from guilt? I had destroyed the only joy +of my benefactors, and had miserably deceived them.--I had neglected +this precious life, and how could I henceforth expect any man to +entrust his life to me?</p> + +<p class="normal">"I know what you would oppose to this Charles--You have often told me +that I was too sensitive for a doctor's profession--That every one who +consults us knows beforehand that we are only human,--not omnipotent, +and omniscient Gods, and takes his chance.</p> + +<p class="normal">"The best doctors are those who never let their feelings interfere, and +never paralyse their energies for the future, by useless regrets for +the unalterable past. I quite agree with you that these are most sound +maxims. But I know enough of disease to foresee that mine is incurable.</p> + +<p class="normal">"When the first stunning pain had somewhat subsided, I said to myself, +that I <i>must</i> bear it as well as I could, and at least try to be of +some use as a subordinate, having forfeited my rights as a master.--I +threw my whole energy into theoretical studies--I collected, dissected, +and observed--I might, perhaps, have reconciled myself to this new +existence, if the past had not thrown a shadow over every thing. Now I +loathed and revolted inwardly against all this groping on the +boundaries of human knowledge. A general, after losing a battle upon +which depended the destiny of a whole nation, will hardly like, as long +as the war lasts, to sit in a corner of some quiet library, and study +tactics and strategy. Then I believed that time would cure my wounds +and make life, at least, supportable to me, even if it should be for +ever sunless and gloomy.</p> + +<p class="normal">"I had tried aimless wandering and had only experienced the truth of +that hacknied saying that shifting of scenes can never change Tragedy +into Comedy.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Only once it seemed as if I might be allured back to that part of my +life alone worth living for--my profession!</p> + +<p class="normal">"It was on a steamer between Marseilles and Genoa--We had left the +coast far behind us--suddenly the Captain came up in great +consternation, and asked if there was any doctor among the passengers. +A lady had been taken ill, and was lying in the cabin writhing with +pain--I was just lying down to sleep, determined not to meddle in this +matter, when I heard moans and exclamations from the cabin which would +not let me rest. I asked the Captain to take me down, and after +searching the ship's medicine chest; found some remedies which soothed +the pain. The lady would not let me go, but insisted in a strange medly +of Spanish, and French on my passing the night on a sofa in the +adjoining cabin. At last she went to sleep, and my eyes also closed, +weary with gazing through the open hatchway at the moon-lit sea.</p> + +<p class="normal">"All at once, I felt something like an icy cold hand drawn across my +face. I started up, believing it to be the spray which was dashing off +the wheels into the cabin--but to my intense horror, I saw the figure +of Ellen standing beside me, just as she had looked when lying in her +coffin, only her dim widely opened eyes were fixed on me, and her white +finger was laid to her lips, as if to say: 'Do not betray me.' Then she +approached the couch of the stranger, lifted one of the green silk +curtains and after gazing for several minutes on the sleeping woman she +sadly shook her head, and looked gravely at me as if to reproach me for +caring for another when I had left <i>her</i> to die. For one moment she +sunk down at the foot of the bed as if greatly exhausted: then +beckoning three times to me she glided through the hatchway like a +streak of mist. Since that night I have never again approached a +sick-bed. You know, Charles, that I was never of a visionary nature, +that I do not believe in spirits. Of course I know as well as you do +that this was only a delusion of the senses. An apparition caused by +the over excited state of my nerves. But does this alter the main point? +Did I suffer the less because I knew it to be owing to the power of my +nerves over my reason? How can one, whose senses are at variance with +him, hope to gain peace? and how is <i>he</i> to live, who hopes no longer?</p> + +<p class="normal">"I have become a superfluous guest at the banquet of life, and so I +prefer taking leave of it, and only press your hand once more before +disappearing. My existence is now no longer necessary to any one--not +even to a dog.</p> + +<p class="normal">"None but a healthy and cheerful egotist could tolerate a life which +subsists only for itself. Pardon me, my dear friend, I know that you +will now and then miss me, but you would surely prefer; never to meet +me again, than to recognize me some day in a mad-house; clothed in a +straight waistcoat, and muttering soliloquies.</p> + +<p class="normal">"This letter has nearly attained the dimensions of a volume, but as it +is the last I shall ever write, its length may be pardoned. I shall +seal this enclosure with a steady hand, for I am only about to do that +which I must, that which I believe to be for the best.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Here in this solitary inn, they will only suppose me to be some crazed +Englishman who insists on fishing by torch-light, in the middle of the +night. Tomorrow when they see the boat driven on the lake without me, +they will say, I have only suffered for my folly, by falling asleep, +and tumbling overboard. Let all my acquaintances suppose the same. And +now good night. I own that on the point of going to sleep, I feel some +curiosity, and hope to have many things--made clear to me.--It is a +pity that I shall not be able to impart my observations to you, as we +have always done when studying together on terrestrial subjects.</p> + +<p class="normal">"I am also desirous to witness what dreams may haunt us in eternal +sleep, if a dead man can witness anything.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Nothing further has any interest for me--My will was deposed six +months ago in the court of justice--You are my executor--I thank you +once more for your faithful and firm friendship---Let this be my last +word.</p> + +<p class="right">"<span class="sc">Eberhard</span>."</p> +<br> + +<p class="normal">He did not read over what he had written but immediately folded it, put +it in an envelope, sealed it, and wrote the address--Then he again +looked out of the window--The storm had gradually subsided. He lighted +a cigar and pacing his room, he watched the long-legged spiders +crawling about the low ceiling, and observed the effects of tobacco on +them, by blowing a thick cloud of smoke over their backs. But he soon +grew tired of this interesting occupation, and stared vacantly at the +white washed walls that surrounded him. Suddenly a clamour arose in the +adjoining tap-room. He heard through the door a gruff voice which +belonged neither to the landlord, nor to the farm servant, complaining +of some unreasonable demand. "Yes it was always so, just those women +who cried and lamented if a baby had a cold, did not feel the least +compassion for two poor horses, but would drag them from the manger, +and after a journey of fifteen miles, in this cursed weather; mostly +uphill, and over those dreadful roads, would force them to trot for ten +miles further, and the whole night through, regardless as to whether +they could move a limb on the morrow or not. But he would not stir; no, +not if they were to lay down a hundred kronenthalers on the very spot. +He was not in the service of a knacker, but had to deliver up his +roadsters in the same condition in which he got them; and besides to +say the truth he wished for some rest for himself, and did not care to +break his limbs on the way or get drowned in a puddle."</p> + +<p class="normal">A timid female voice which had now and then interrupted this speech +with beseeching words was silenced by this conclusion, which was +accompanied by a fierce oath, and a heavy thump of the fist on the +table. The landlord intervened in his abrupt way by seconding the +coachman, and ordering some beer from the cellar. Then the two men +began to converse, on other subjects, the coachman chiefly abusing the +bad roads which ruined horses and carriage. The landlord fully agreed +with him, and asked him how it was that the ladies had preferred coming +by this side of the dead lake. The coachman informed him that a +landslip had made the other road quite impassable, at least for +twenty-four hours. The rest of the passengers had been contented to +wait at the station, but these ladies had insisted on continuing their +journey on this dangerous road; perhaps because of the child, which +never ceased to wail and moan. At this moment the door opened, and the +men's rough tones were suddenly hushed. A melodious woman's voice was +heard whose touching accents seemed to quiet even these coarse fellows. +At least the coachman, who on her renewing her prayer to him to prepare +for their departure, answered quite civilly, and without any +superfluous oaths, that it was almost impossible to gratify her wishes, +and gave his reasons. She appeared to acquiesce in their importance, +and after a moment's silent reflection, asked if any messenger could be +found who for a considerable gratification would undertake to summon +the nearest doctor, otherwise the child would probably not live through +the night. In saying this her voice trembled so much that the +involuntary listener was touched to the heart. He walked to the +casement, hoping to drown those soft tones in the rushing sound of the +rain. At this moment however the clouds above the lake dispersed +showing the moon's clear and silvery crescent and the sudden stillness +forced him to hear the rest of the parley.</p> + +<p class="normal">The landlord called his servant, and asked him if he would take a +message to the doctor who lived six miles distant, in the small +market-town which was situated in a neighbouring valley. The man +replied that he had no objection to the long walk, or the bad road, if +the lady gave him a liberal fee; but he knew that it would be useless +for Hansel the forester's assistant had told him that very day, that +his friend Sepp had to wait another week to have the ball extracted +from his thigh, for the doctor himself was ill, from a fall from his +horse, and his apprentice had an unsafe hand, as he was renowned for +drinking too much brandy. Then the sad and gentle voice of the lady +asked, after a silence of several minutes, if it would not be possible +to procure a litter, and carry the child to the nearest place where a +doctor resided, she herself would help to carry it; she only required a +couple of trustworthy men, and a guide with a lighted torch.</p> + +<p class="normal">That could not be done either, the landlord answered;--they had no +litter on which the child could be carried comfortably, and then they +could not all leave the house; however he would speak to his wife about +it.</p> + +<p class="normal">He was just reluctantly leaving his bench by the stove, when the +landlady herself rushed into the room, and cried out that the nurse +begged her mistress to come to the child--that departure was now not to +be thought of, for the child was dying.</p> + +<p class="normal">The listener in the adjacent room turned from the window as if drawn by +some magic power; he took a few steps towards the door, then stopped +and shook his head with a sigh. He tried to recommence his walk up and +down the small room; but at every second step, he stood still to listen +for some further sound. His cigar had gone out. Mechanically he +approached it to the candle to light it, but before he was aware of +what he was doing, his breath had extinguished the feeble flame. He +remained staring at the dying sparks in the wick--one moment more and +the last would disappear. Possibly in the next room a little flame far +more valuable than the miserable light of this penny candle was on the +point of relapsing into the darkness of night.</p> + +<p class="normal">Well let it die out; what right had any one to meddle in the matter. +Perhaps by trying to kindle it again, it would only the more surely be +extinguished by his clumsy hands. What can it signify? Why try to save +a human being's life, who may, some day or other, wish that he had +never been born, and who may perhaps also see the hour, when he shall +have to bid good night to his dearest friend----</p> + +<p class="normal">Again he listened, and held his breath not to lose a sound of what was +passing in the next room. He fancied he heard a child's plaintive +moaning, then the lady's gentle voice trying to soothe it, passionate +weeping, and then silence. He could stand it no longer in the solitude +of his room. He only wished to hear how the child was going on. He +began to think himself a barbarian, to be quietly hiding in a corner, +when even these rough peasants showed some sympathy. Hastily opening +the door, he groped his way through the dark empty tap-room, and across +the passage. The door was ajar, and a ray of light streamed through the +chink. He now distinctly heard the child moan and the mother quieting +it. "We ought to prepare some tea for the poor child in order to +bring on a perspiration," said the hostess, "We must try and find +some."--"The elder berries, in the drawer up-stairs, would not do badly +in case of need," answered her husband; then silence reigned again, +only interrupted by the sighs of the house-maid, who knelt in a corner, +repeating one pater-noster after another.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Put another feather-bed on the child," advised the coachman; "it has +caught cold; see how its little hands twitch convulsively--it is +freezing."</p> + +<p class="normal">The farm-servant, who stood near the stove, was just going to lay +another log on the still glowing embers, when he was arrested by a firm +hand which was laid on his shoulders. He turned round and perceived the +stranger standing before him. "I forbid you to put on another chip of +wood;" he said, in a voice which denoted that he was accustomed to be +strictly obeyed; "and you all," he continued, turning to the rest of +the idle spectators, "get out of the room; do you hear? the air here is +bad enough to stifle even a healthy man." They all looked at each +other--only the mother and nurse of the child had not perceived the +entrance of the stranger. The mother knelt beside the bed with one arm +clasped round the moaning child as if to defend it from assassins. The +nurse stood by her, and stared in helpless despair on her little +charge--on its wandering eyes, and fever parched lips, from which now +and then a low wail escaped. She started back, as if death in person +was approaching her, when the stranger stept up to the bed, laid his +hand on the burning brow, and took up one of the little thin arms to +feel the pulse.</p> + +<p class="normal">The shriek of horror which the nurse involuntarily uttered, awakened +the mother from the lethargy of despair. She looked wonderingly at the +stranger, and a sudden ray of hope brightened her face.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Madam," he said, "will you entrust your child to one entirely unknown +to you, who though he has not the presumption to promise to save its +life, yet knows what in these cases, is prescribed by our feeble +science."</p> + +<p class="normal">She could not answer him; this unlooked for aid in her direst distress +overpowered her. "Take this," he said, drawing a card from his +pocket-book, "my name may not be known to you, but the title which +stands before it will show you, that others too have trusted to my +skill; with what result, has nothing to do with the present case."</p> + +<p class="normal">The young woman remained in her former position, but she stretched +towards him the arm not engaged in supporting her child's head, and +said: "The Almighty seems to have sent you. He has had compassion on +me. I fully confide in you!"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Then order a pitcher of fresh spring water from the well, and a tub to +be brought. The rest I will manage myself."</p> + +<p class="normal">He hastily opened both windows, and took the feather-bed from off the +child, only covering it lightly with a large plaid. Then he called in +the farm-servant who was standing in the passage, with the rest of the +people, grumbling, and waiting for the result of the stranger's +despotic interference. He asked if no snow or ice could be procured in +the neighbourhood. "Yes," growled out the man, "there was some to be +had; but one must climb for about an hour through the woods, to get to +the crevice in a rock, where the snow never melted summer or winter, as +the sun could not reach the spot. To-morrow morning he would go and +fetch some!"</p> + +<p class="normal">"You don't seem to understand me," resumed the doctor; "here I lay down +this kronenthaler; it is now half past nine o'clock; the moon is up, +the storm has ceased--whoever brings me in the course of an hour, a +load of snow or ice has gained this reward. Tomorrow you may bring down +a whole glacier, and will not get a penny for it." "All right," said +the farm-servant with a short laugh, and walked away. The nurse had in +the meantime brought in the cold water and an empty tub. Without +another word, the stranger lifted the child from the bed, stripped off +its clothes, and telling the mother to hold it, he poured the icy cold +water over it. He then dried it quickly, laid it again in its bed, and +wrapped a wet towel round its head. The child which a moment ago had +struggled and screamed in his arms, now seemed relieved. The eyes +ceased to wander, and turned towards the mother with a wondering, but +calm look--then she closed them with a deep sigh.</p> + +<p class="normal">"The child is dying!" the nurse screamed out, and burst into a fit of +crying. "I thought that would be the consequence of the cold water, and +the open windows. Ah, Madam, how could you suffer this?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Silence," said the stranger imperiously, "or you will have to leave +the room. I hope, Madam," he continued, in a gentler tone, "that you do +not expect a miracle from me. The illness we have to combat, cannot be +vanquished in one night. The child has a virulent typhus fever, and our +chief care must be to prevent the brain from being affected. But do not +let every new symptom alarm you. As far as I can judge, no aggravating +circumstances exist. You see the child has again opened its eyes. +Nature already feels that we are assisting it. How old is the child?" +"Seven years and a few weeks." "A fine child, so well developed; what +anguish you must now suffer."</p> + +<p class="normal">Tears streamed from the poor mother's eyes; she pressed her face +against the little white hand which lay on the dark plaid. All the +agitation of the last weary hours, dissolved in these refreshing tears.</p> + +<p class="normal">At last she arose, and with a grateful look at the doctor, she sank +into a chair which he had placed for her beside the bed. He too took a +seat at the foot of it, and gravely but calmly observed the little +girl. They were both silent. The nurse, ashamed of her thoughtless +outbreak, went to and fro to renew the cold compresses. Without, all +was still; the last clouds had disappeared and a ray of moonlight stole +in, and shone slanting through the narrow casement, lighting up the +small white hand of the young mother who was softly stroking the little +hand of her child. The only sound which broke the silence proceeded +from the streamlets formed by the rain, which were now rushing past the +house, the regular dripping of the gutter, and the whistling of the +coachman who was bedding his horses.</p> + +<p class="normal">Suddenly the child raised herself on the pillows, looked at the +stranger with widely opened eyes, and said: "Is this Papa? is he not +dead? I want to give him a kiss, Mamma; has he not brought something +for his little daughter? I want to sit on his knee. Where is Sophy? Oh! +my poor head! Papa please hold my head. I am thirsty." Then the small +fair head sank back on the pillow, and the eyes closed as if in pain. +Eberhard rose and held a glass of fresh water to her burning lips. +"Thank you, Papa," said the child. Then she became very quiet, only the +twitchings of the feverish half opened mouth betrayed her sufferings.</p> + +<p class="normal">"I must explain to you," the lady began, turning to the silent doctor, +who had now resumed his seat, "how it comes that my poor darling has +those strange fancies. Unfortunately I must reproach myself with having +caused this violent shock: The father of my poor little girl was an +Austrian officer. A few months after our marriage, I had to part with +him; his regiment was ordered to Italy, where the war was commencing. +Shortly afterwards news reached me that he had been amongst the first +victims of the bloody battle of Solferino. Since that time I have +always felt the greatest longing to visit the spot where my dear +husband found repose after his short career, and though no cross marks +his grave, at least to inhale the air in which his brave heart breathed +its last. Even my little girl expressed the same wish as she grew +older, and understood me when I told her of her father's death. Many +things deterred me from realizing this plan, particularly the fear that +the long journey might overfatigue, and agitate the child, who always +had a very excitable imagination, and a tender heart: and now I have to +suffer severely for having indulged my desire. If you had seen how +eagerly she listened to the words which I translated to her from the +account of the old serjeant, whom I found watching the monument on the +field of battle. Her cheeks burned, and her eyes glistened; her emotion +was far beyond her years. When we turned back she shivered, and in the +following night, complained of headache, and did not sleep for an +instant. She did not mention her father again till this moment, when +she mistook you for him, and fancied he was sitting at her bedside. +Perhaps it would have been better, had I remained where I was, but I +dreaded the Italian doctors, and did not believe the danger to be so +imminent. In my own carriage, for I had taken post-horses on leaving +the railway, I thought we could easily arrange a comfortable bed for +the child. The weather too was warm, and she herself eagerly desired to +be taken home. The storm reached us just at the worst part of the road; +and we were most thankful when we reached this inn. But what would have +become of us without your help?"</p> + +<p class="normal">She turned from the gloomy and taciturn man to dry her tears. Then they +again sat silently opposite each other. He felt tempted to entreat her +to go on speaking. Here was something in her voice which soothed him, +and was as cooling balm to his feverish soul, but he saw that her +thoughts were again occupied with the child, and he had nothing to tell +her. He only gazed more earnestly at the young woman by the dim light +of the candle and of the moon. He remarked that her brow, and the shape +of her eyes which had a distinguished melancholy and gentle expression +in them, resembled those of his adoptive mother, who had so often +looked at him with thoughtful affection. Her figure was round and +supple, and every turn of her head and of her slender throat was full +of grace.</p> + +<p class="normal">The abundant auburn hair hung negligently over her shoulders. All about +her showed the habits of one accustomed to wealth. Wealth ennobled by a +cultivated mind, and refined taste, but which had lost all charms for +her, in the danger which threatened her most precious treasure.</p> + +<p class="normal">The door was now cautiously opened, and the farm-servant dragged in a +large tub filled with ice; then wiping the perspiration from his +forehead, he triumphantly pointed to the clock which showed that ten +minutes were still wanting to the stipulated hour, pocketed his well +earned money, and officiously asked if anything else was wanted. "No, +he could go to bed now," the doctor answered. He then tore a piece of +oiled silk from the lining of his travelling pouch, made a bag of it to +hold the ice, and showed the nurse how to lay it on the forehead +of the child. Her mistress interfered--"No," she said, "you must now +lie down, and rest, Josephine; you have not slept for thirty-six +hours."--"Neither, Madam, have you," observed the maid, "and I do not +need it so much as your honour, for at least I have swallowed a few +morsels of food."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Do as I tell you," resumed the mother; "I well know how useless it +would be for me to attempt to sleep. Perhaps I may be able to take some +rest in the morning, if the night passes well."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Allow me to feel your pulse, Madam," said the doctor, and then without +another word he suddenly left the room.</p> + +<p class="normal">The two women looked after him in astonishment, and the maid, an +elderly fat woman, with a round face, strongly marked by the smallpox, +and good natured brown eyes, availed herself of his absence, to sing +the praises of their unknown deliverer, quite as eagerly as she had +previously abused him. "He had something so peculiar about him," she +remarked; "he appeared to be ill and yet kind heartedness was written +on every feature--and how cleverly he managed everything; how well he +supported our child's head, just as if he had been a nurse all the days +of his life. And then he is so very handsome and quite young, only now +and then when a stern expression comes over his face, he looks so grave +and gloomy, as if he had never laughed; and at other times he shuts his +eyes, as if he were in great pain, and wished to conceal it."</p> + +<p class="normal">At this moment the subject of her remarks returned, carrying a large +glass of milk in his hand. He gave it to the lady as one would offer +some medicine to a child. "Drink this, Madam," he said; "it is new milk +and will do you good." "You require strength to fulfill the task you +have undertaken, and here nothing else is to be had. It would be very +beneficial to the child, if she could be induced to swallow a few +drops. Approach the glass to her lips, and persuade her to try it; you +have succeeded. We must do all we can to keep up her strength, so that +another attack may not overcome her. Now follow my advice, and lie down +on that bed; I will watch the child, and the maid also can well spare a +few hours more of sleep. When midnight has passed, I will awake you and +then the maid can lie down." She still objected. "Do as I tell you," he +said passionately, "or I will think that you never really felt the +confidence you showed me."</p> + +<p class="normal">She turned towards the bed where the child, relieved by the ice +compresses, lay apparently asleep and stooping over its delicate little +face kissed its closed eyes. "I will obey you," she said, with a faint +smile, "if you promise to awake me, in case my child should grow +worse."</p> + +<p class="normal">He silently pressed her hand and took her seat by the bedside, while +her maid helped her to lie down on the second bed, which stood in a +corner, after having removed a load of coverings.</p> + +<p class="normal">When a quarter of an hour had passed, the faithful creature, softly +approaching the doctor, who sat absorbed in his own thoughts, stooped, +seized one of his hands, and before he could prevent it had pressed it +to her lips, whispering: "God be praised, she sleeps! Oh sir, you can +work marvels! For four nights, my mistress had not closed her eyes. +First the grief, and agitation before we reached that unfortunate +battle-field; and then, anxiety about her child. If you but knew what +an angel my mistress is. If I were to tell you all...."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Leave that for another time," he interrupted; "you have nothing else to +do now, but to lie down, and not to stir till I call you. To-night you +are useless, and to-morrow you must be up early. Here are pillows, and +coverlets enough. Arrange a bed for yourself beside the stove; and now +good night. Don't contradict me. Do you wish to awake your mistress by +uselessly arguing the matter?"</p> + +<p class="normal">The good woman obeyed with a timid humble look, pulled a feather-bed +into a corner of the room, and in a few minutes her regular breathing, +proved that she too had needed rest after the hardships of the last few +days.</p> + +<p class="normal">A short while afterwards, the moon disappeared behind a cloud, and only +the faint reflex of the starry sky was to be seen, on that part of the +lake which could be overlooked from the room in which the lonely +watcher sat by the sick-bed. He now for the first time felt a desire to +take some food, and to quench his thirst. He drank the remainder of the +milk which still stood on the table. As he put down the glass he +fancied he saw the lady on the bed make a convulsive movement. He +approached her softly. In an uneasy dream, she had put both hands to +her eyes as if to wipe away tears; now she slept quietly, and her hands +slowly sank down again. Motionless he gazed on that fair face, on which +every dream was reflected as the shadows of dissolving clouds on the +calm surface of a lake; sorrow, anxiety, then hope! Now she smiled, and +the delicately chiselled lips parted, disclosing two rows of pearly +teeth. The next moment her brow darkened, an imploring look appeared on +her face; she stretched out both her hands and clasped them together; +he then remarked on one of her fingers, two wedding rings, and wondered +whether the second one belonged to the father of her child, or if some +other man were now in possession of that small hand. He was roused from +these thoughts by a moan from the little girl. He only arranged the +coverlet which had fallen on the ground and wrapped it round the small +feet of the young woman who had not taken off her boots. Then he +returned to his occupation of changing, every quarter of an hour, the +ice that had melted and now and then refreshing the parched lips of the +child with a few drops of water.</p> + +<p class="normal">Towards midnight a violent wind arose on the lake, and the young man +shivered as the window was still open. He seized the first wrap which +he found among the luggage, and covered himself up with it. It was a +long soft burnouss lined with silk which belonged to the young woman. +He pulled the hood over his head; and a sweet scent was wafted from it; +as the silk touched his face a peculiar feeling of languor came over +him; he closed his eyes, but a confused maze of ideas passed through +his mind, and he could not sleep.</p> + +<p class="normal">Suddenly his eyes opened with an expression of terror in them. He +started from his chair, and trembling violently, he stared at the lake. +Conspicuous on the dark surface of the water, something white glided +slowly; it had the shape of a veiled figure, and seemed to move towards +the house. The moon had appeared again, and lit up a faint streak of +mist which had strayed from the mountain tops, and was swept across the +lake. When it reached the current of wind that blew from the ravine, it +dissolved, and the surface of the water was as clear as before; but the +only one who had seen this airy apparition still stood as if rooted to +the ground and stared at the spot where it had disappeared. A cold +perspiration bathed his brow, his breath came shortly and quickly, and +his eyes, which started from their sockets, remained fixed on that +spot, as if he expected to see the vision appear again the next moment.</p> + +<p class="normal">A hot little hand touched the clammy ones of the horror-stricken man. +"Is it you, Papa?" asked the little girl; and sat up in her bed. Two +small thin arms were stretched up to him and before he was aware of it, +the child clung to his neck and hid its burning face on his breast. +"Don't leave us again, Papa," she said, "or Mamma will cry again, and I +must die."</p> + +<p class="normal">In an instant the nightmare which oppressed him, vanished. He clasped +the slender little figure in his arms, as if it were a protection +against the malignant powers. He held her so for some time, and while +the child caressed him, he felt the blood flow more calmly through his +veins. He kissed her little face, stroking her damp curls, asked: "What +is your name, my child." "Are you my Papa," she said, "and do not even +know that I am your own little Fan? Ah, yes, I know that they have shot +you, that is why you have forgotten me. Did it hurt you much?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"To-morrow I will tell you all about it," he said, and gently laid her +back on her bed; "now, you must keep quiet, and not awake your Mamma."</p> + +<p class="normal">The child obediently lay down, and closed her eyes, but she held fast +the hand of her faithful guardian, and now and then looked up at him +with a wondering but wide awake expression. He too stedfastly gazed on +the innocent face, as if fearing that were he to turn round, the +terrifying vision would again appear.</p> + +<p class="normal">So he watched by the sick-bed till day dawned. When the bare rocky +peaks which rose above the lake, blushed in the first morning light, +sounds of life, broke the stillness of the house.</p> + +<p class="normal">The farm-servant crept shoeless along the passage, and cautiously +peeping into the sick-room, pointed to the now empty wooden tub and +asked if another supply of ice were wanted. The doctor nodded his head, +and he disappeared. Then came the landlady and offered her ready +services, but Everhard declined them. The generosity of the strange +gentleman had worked wonders with the inmates of the house. Only the +coachman, who had not got over his intoxication of the previous day, +stumbled, cursing, and growling, with heavy boots, down the stairs, and +through the passage; so that the lady asked still half asleep, if it +were time to start. "Not yet," answered Everhard, "you can sleep on for +another hour." Then he rose hastily, and went out to prevent the noisy +fellow from again approaching the sick-room. When he returned after a +few minutes, he found the young mother seated at the bedside of her +child.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Why are you up already?" he asked reproachfully. "Already?" she +replied, "you wish to put me to confusion. Have you not succeeded in +deceiving me, and taken my place through the whole of the night. Why +did you not let me share the night-watch with you?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Because I could easily dispense with sleep, which was most needful for +you. And then there was nothing to be done which required help. Be of +good cheer; we have every reason to be satisfied with this night."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Then the danger is over! thanks be to heaven!"</p> + +<p class="normal">"I cannot give you that certainty," he answered; "you have promised to +trust me, and can only do so, if I conceal nothing from you. But I can +give you the assurance that all the symptoms are as favourable as can +be expected in this illness. The inmates of the house are well disposed +towards us, and will do their best to help us."</p> + +<p class="normal">A ray of pleasure brightened her pale face. "Oh! my friend," she +exclaimed, "if it were but possible!" She held out her hand to him, and +tears stood in her eyes.</p> + +<p class="normal">He stooped to kiss her hand, but in reality to hide his emotion. "Could +you have believed me capable of forsaking you, before the child's life +was saved?" he asked. "Do not thank me, not imagine that I am +sacrificing anything by remaining here. I have already brought you the +greatest sacrifice I could offer, all the rest is a relief to me."</p> + +<p class="normal">She looked up inquiringly. "I am keeping you from other duties?" she +asked.</p> + +<p class="normal">"No," he answered gloomily; "ever since last year I have been an idle, +and restless man. Led by motives, which cannot interest you, I once +gave myself my word of honour, never to exercise my profession as a +doctor again. Yesterday, I broke this word for your sake. If you will +permit me to continue my attendance, you will free me from reproach, +and so we shall be of mutual service to each other."</p> + +<p class="normal">After a pause during which he had felt the pulse of the child, he +resumed, "She now sleeps quietly; if you wish to apprize your friends +of your present abode, you have time to do so. The coachman, who is +meanwhile getting ready, will post your letter at the next station."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I have no one, who would feel anxious at my non-appearance," said the +lady, and blushed slightly; "I live so very retired!"</p> + +<p class="normal">"No one?" he repeated, with surprise, and involuntarily his eyes +fastened on the two rings.</p> + +<p class="normal">She remarked his glance, and understood it instantly. "The second +ring," she said unconstrainedly, "is not the sign of a second marriage. +It belonged to my husband, who feeling death approaching, drew it from +his finger and begged a comrade of his to bring it to me. Since that +day, I have refused all solicitations to change my condition, and have +only withdrawn from my dear husband's family, because a near relation +of his, imagines that he has some claim to my hand. I have vowed to +live only for my child, and to the memory of the dead, and this vow is +sacred to me."</p> + +<p class="normal">The nurse now awoke, and reluctantly sat up on her couch, but she +jumped up briskly, when she saw her mistress and the doctor already +actively employed, and hastened with great zeal to relieve them; +protesting that it was all the doctor's fault, as he had strictly +forbidden her to watch.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Bathe the child," said Everhard; "I will now leave you for half an +hour; bathe the child as we did yesterday, and let it drink some milk +which you can now get fresh from the cow. And here comes a fresh supply +of ice. You see the attendance could nowhere be better than it is in +this desolate nook of the world. Fortunately an apothecary's shop is +not needed in this case. Good-bye; we shall soon meet again." He bowed +slightly and left the room. Then he walked down to the shore, loosened +one of the boats which were chained up in the shed, and with a few +powerful strokes launched the light bark into the open lake. The sun +had not yet risen above the surrounding heights, overgrown with dark +pines, and the calm and sultry air lay heavily on the dark surface of +the water, and oppressed the chest of the young man who was fatigued by +the sleepless night. He looked down into the depths below him and +noticed that close to the boat the water seemed transparent as crystal, +and nearly white, while the lake beyond, though the sky was bright and +clear, appeared like a black unfathomable chasm. He recollected what a +woodcutter had once told him, that the lake was bottomless--that its +waters sank deeper and deeper till at last they reached hell; and so +when the evil spirits there found their abode too hot for them, they +went to bathe in them.</p> + +<p class="normal">He pulled in his oars and looked up at the nearly perpendicular shores +which were covered with dark fir-woods up to their very peaks. These +had exchanged the glow of early morning for a dull greyish tint. And +now the sun had burst forth with great power, and tried to gild the +ravine, which looked like a cauldron of dark iron. But only a dazzling +white light was reflected on the smooth surface of the lake. The dense +woods which surrounded it absorbed every ray of sunshine. No cheerful +light coloured and enlivened the dreary landscape. A small patch of +green grass, near the inn, on which a red-brown cow grazed, and the +blue smoke which curled up from the chimney were the only objects that +awakened the consoling thought, that even in this wilderness human +beings had found a home. An islet, covered with birch-trees, lay near +the opposite shore. Everhard rowed up to it, tied the bark to a post, +and stripped off his clothes to enjoy an early bath.</p> + +<p class="normal">Suddenly the thought struck him, with what intention he had arrived +yesterday. He shuddered. It seemed to him as if his resolve would be +fulfilled, even against his will; as if he had pledged himself to that +perfidious depth, which would claim him for its own. One moment he felt +tempted to put on his clothes again, and to row back as fast as he +could, but ashamed of his weakness, he shook off these fancies and +boldly jumped into the water.</p> + +<p class="normal">The cold Alpine waves closed round him like ice just melted by the sun, +and he had to exert all his knowledge of swimming, to keep his blood, +by continual movement, from congealing. When he stepped out of the +water, and leaning against the stem of a young birch, his feet buried +in the soft moss, dried himself briskly, he felt happier than he had +done for many a day. He looked towards the house. In the room, where +the child lay he could see some one moving near the window. The +distance was too great to distinguish the figure, still less the +features, yet it pleased to him to think that among the inmates of that +house, there were some who needed him, and had placed their hopes in +him.</p> + +<p class="normal">Meanwhile the child in the sick-room raised herself in her bed, looked +searchingly round the room, and said: "Has Papa gone away? is he again +dead? I want him to sit beside me." Her mother kissed the child's +forehead and begged her to remain quiet. "That good gentleman is not +your Papa," she said; "you must not call him so. He is the doctor, who +will make you well again, if you are a good child, and do all he tells +you." "Not my Papa," repeated the little girl meditatively. She seemed +to relinquish her first idea with difficulty. "What is his name?" she +resumed. "Will he leave me?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Here he comes," said the fat nurse, who had tears in her eyes, on +hearing her darling speak calmly and sensibly, for the first time for +several days. "Just look Ma'am, how fast he rows, as if he were +impatient to get back to our child. Well, I call that a doctor! To-day +he looks even handsomer, than he did yesterday, with his fine black +beard and pale face. Only his eyes have a stern expression, that would +frighten one if he were not so kind."</p> + +<p class="normal">They now saw him leap from the boat but he did not speak to them, as he +passed the door, and they heard him give some orders to the landlady. A +few minutes later he entered the sick-room, at once approached the bed +of the child, and talked kindly to it. This presence seemed to exercise +a sort of charm on the little girl. She breathed with more ease, and +closed her eyes at his persuasion.</p> + +<p class="normal">The stillness in the sick-room was so great that they heard the splash +of the fish leaping in the water. After some time he rose, and +whispered, "She sleeps; the fever has abated. I hope she may be able to +rest for a few hours, and I will take care that no one disturbs her. I +will now lie down for a short while, till the chicken broth I have +ordered for our little patient, is ready.</p> + +<p class="normal">"How can I ever express my thanks to you for all your kindness, and +solicitude," observed the child's mother with much emotion.</p> + +<p class="normal">By not thanking me at all he replied almost gruffly, and left them.</p> + +<p class="normal">When he entered his room, he found the letter he had written the night +before still lying on the table. The large red seal now, seemed +offensive to his eyes, yet he could not make up his mind to destroy it, +so he put it by, in his portfolio. He then threw himself on his bed, +and tried to sleep, but the thick coming thoughts, beset him like +buzzing flies. He fancied he heard the child's voice, and that of its +lovely mother, and raised himself on his bed to listen. At length after +much musing and reflection, he fell into an uneasy sleep disturbed by +dreams.</p> + +<p class="normal">At noon, the landlady entered his room, and seeing him asleep, tried to +creep away noiselessly. But he was up in a moment, and inquiring if the +soup were ready, followed her into the kitchen. "Where is the broth?" +he asked, and approached the hearth whence a tempting odour arose from +the different pots and pans. The stupid maid who was stirring something +in one of them, let fall her wooden ladle in amazement, and stared +open-mouthed at the stranger as he lifted the lid of one of the pots, +and examined its contents with a critical eye. Then he asked for a +plate poured some of the chicken broth into it, and carefully took out +the herbs which floated on it.</p> + +<p class="normal">When he turned to carry away the soup, he saw the young mother standing +at the entrance. "Is this right?" she asked with a charming smile, +"instead of sleeping I see you have turned cook."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I only cook for my patients," he replied, "the care of preparing +dinner for the healthy, I leave to our hostess, who will do honour to +our confidence in her, and needs no help of mine. Is our patient still +asleep?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"She awoke a moment since, and has just asked for you."</p> + +<p class="normal">When he entered the sick-room, the child sat upright in her bed, and +greeted the doctor with a smile. Then she willingly swallowed a few +spoonfuls of the soup which he offered her. She did not appear to be +hungry however, but only to do it because he wished it. She listened +eagerly to all the doctor said. He told her that in the morning he had +watched the fish disport themselves in the lake, and promised her that +they would go and catch some of them when she could leave her bed.</p> + +<p class="normal">After a while she again seemed to lose consciousness. Her blue eyes +partially closed, and the small head sank back on her pillows.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Be of good cheer," said the doctor; "the progress is slow but sure. +Your maid must continue to change the ice frequently. Meanwhile we will +go and have dinner. It is ready."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Leave me here with my child," she whispered. "No," he replied, curtly. +"You must breathe the fresh air. We do not want another patient, and +your pulse is much agitated. When we have dined, we will relieve the +nurse."</p> + +<p class="normal">He walked on without another word, and she dared not oppose him. In the +shade before the house, close to the window of the sick-room, the cover +had been laid for two. Just as they came out, the landlady brought a +dish of fish, and placed them on the table, these were followed by a +roasted fowl. During the repast they hardly spoke a word to each other. +Both were lost in thought. Now and then, he would persuade her, not +only to take a few mouthfuls on her plate, but to eat them. "I shall be +offended," he said, gaily, "if you eat nothing. We doctors enjoy the +reputation of being great gourmands. I hope I have not disgraced my +profession in this instance?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Pardon me, if I cannot yet bear the brightness around me," she said. +"My heart has been too deeply troubled. I have passed through such +heavy storms, that the ground still trembles beneath me. To-morrow I +will behave better." Then they both relapsed into silence, and gazed at +the lake, over which the mid-day heat was brooding. A cricket chirped +in the quiet little garden; and within the landlord snored on his bench +by the stove. From the shed by the lake, the gurgle of the waves +against the softly rocking boats was heard, and from the sick-room the +nurse humming a nursery rhyme, the same with which years ago she had +lulled the child in her cradle to sleep.</p> + + +<hr class="W20"> + + +<p class="normal">The quiet day was followed by a restless night. The fever increased in +violence; the child moaned continually, and could hardly be kept in her +bed. At midnight she grew calmer.</p> + +<p class="normal">The doctor hardly stirred from the house; only in the evening, he +refreshed himself with a cigar out of doors. Then he took a turn round +the house, and every time he passed the window of the sick-room, +stopped for a moment, and spoke a few words of encouragement to the +mother who would not quit the bed-side. In the night, while watching +with her--the nurse had been sent to bed--he suddenly said; "How much +your child resembles you. Just now, in this dim light, when you stooped +over her and the little girl looked up to you with that peculiarly +spiritual and precocious expression which illness gives, I could almost +have fancied that you were sisters. Ten years hence, she will be your +very image." "Perhaps you are right," answered the young mother, "but +the resemblance is only outward: all her mental qualities she inherits +from her father. I often wonder at so great a likeness in such a young +child, and <i>that</i> too a girl. Her truthfulness her self-denial, her +courage often make me feel as if my lost husband had been given back to +me in this child."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You are mentioning qualities, which during our short acquaintance, I +have remarked that you possess in a high degree."</p> + +<p class="normal">She shook her head, "If I seem courageous, it is only owing to my +natural cowardice. When you first saw me I was quite broken-hearted +with misery, and anxiety, but I dared not give vent to my feelings, for +I knew that I should break down utterly at the sound of my own voice. +My husband could look the most fearful events calmly in the face; and +so it is with the child. He could make any sacrifice without thinking +of himself."</p> + +<p class="normal">"And you; I should think, you did not spare yourself in the first days +of this trial."</p> + +<p class="normal">"A mother's heart feels no sacrifice," she answered, "but before my +child was born I often had to strive with myself, and force myself to +do what was distasteful to me for the sake of others. It is not so with +the child, though youth generally is, and well may be, the season for +egotism. I could tell you a hundred traits of her excellent +disposition. I have often felt anxious about her, for so precocious a +tenderness of feeling is said to be the presage of a short life. Who +can tell whether it may not be realized."</p> + +<p class="normal">Everhard looked out on the lake, and seemed not to have heard her last +words. Suddenly he said; "you have probably a portrait of your husband: +Will you show it to me?"</p> + +<p class="normal">She took off a delicately worked Venetian chain, which she wore round +her neck, opened the locket which was fastened to it, and handed it to +him.</p> + +<p class="normal">He gazed at it for several minutes, and then silently gave it back to +her. After a long pause he said, "Was it a youthful attachment?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Not quite what is generally so called. I was, certainly very young +when I made his acquaintance. Before I saw him no man had ever made any +impression on me; but I hardly knew how dearly I loved him till a month +after our marriage took place. I only learnt to appreciate him fully +during the short period of our union, and my love grew into a passion +when I had lost him for ever. Had you known him, you would have become +friends; he never had an enemy."</p> + +<p class="normal">Everhard had risen and was pacing the room with noiseless steps. He +stopped before the table and took up a volume which projected from a +travelling bag. They were Lenau's poems. On the fly leaf was inscribed +the name of Lucille.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Does this poet please you?" asked the doctor.--</p> + +<p class="normal">"I hardly know whether he repels, or attracts me; and although I +generally have a clear perception in such things, yet I cannot quite +discover in his thoughts, what is genuine and what is artificial. He +suffered much, yet it often appears to me, as if by continually +irritating them, he purposely re-opened his wounds. I hardly know why I +took this book on my journey; perhaps as a sort of consolation."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You seek consolation with a poet so weary of life?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Why not? <i>He</i> died mad. When I think of that death, the grief for my +husband's seems easier to bear, for what a glorious death was granted +to him! Young, loved by all, he died heroically for his country! I +carry his image undefaced in my heart, not distorted by illness, and +the last agony, nor estranged from me by insanity. How dreadful must it +not be to see one dear to us deprived of his senses. Do you not feel +the same?"</p> + +<p class="normal">He was silent for a moment, and then replied by another question: "So +you would have thought the death of your husband desirable, if he had +been doomed to life long insanity?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Spare me the answer. I cannot give you one truthfully, without pain."</p> + +<p class="normal">"So much the better," he said. She did not understand him. A few +minutes later he left the room.</p> + +<p class="normal">He returned an hour after midnight, and insisted on relieving the +mother from her watch by the sickbed. She could not resist his +imperative manner, and only begged him to let her, and the nurse, +relieve him alternately. He promised to do so; and this time kept his +promise. In the morning when Lucille awoke, she found the nurse alone, +and heard that the doctor lay on a straw mattress in the tap-room to be +near at hand in case of need.</p> + + +<hr class="W20"> + + +<p class="normal">A week had passed since these events, and Everhard again sat in his +little room at the crazy table, and the candle cast the same dim +flickering light, as on that first occasion, only the moon shone so +brightly through the casement, that one could easily have dispensed +with any other light. Everhard had just perused the letter written on +that dark and gloomy night, and was now adding a postscript on the +blank page.</p> + +<p class="normal">"A week older, Charles; and yet a week younger! When I look at my face, +and compare it with the aged features which appear to me in these +pages, then I find that I have made the most retrograde movement, and +have again arrived at an age, at which even you did not know me; at a +time when I never thought of death, though I touched it daily with my +dissecting knife; <i>then</i> I had no more thought of it, than a child's +doctor has of catching the measles. I have now studied the morbid +symptoms in my letter, as coolly as I once did the strange countenance +of number So and so in the hospital.</p> + +<p class="normal">"You will be glad to hear that I have surmounted my last crisis, but I, +when I search my thoughts, can only deplore this.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Everything was ready for my departure, my trunks so nicely packed, the +last leave takings exchanged; I heard the shrill whistle of the +engine,--suddenly I am told that I have missed the train; and so I +remain, not at home, nor abroad, but sitting at the railway station in +a most provoking position. It seems ridiculous to have to stay and +unpack, after all these preparations for departure. How it all happened +I will tell you in a few words, lest you should think that cowardice +overcame me at the last moment, that I regretted to leave this life, +and persuaded myself that after all it was the best. No it was not that +which played me this trick, it was my old passion, my profession! I +found it of more importance to save a young life, than to despatch my +own, so prematurely old. The child in question was well worth the +trouble, that I can tell you. And as for the mother! don't fancy that I +have fallen in love; you would be mistaken. Or do you call love, the +feelings of a poor devil of a miner who after having been buried in a +coal-pit, is brought to life again and rejoices in the first breath of +fresh air. Do not be afraid that I shall give you a description of this +young woman's charms. Whether she be handsome, amiable--what is usually +so called; clever, or whether she possess all those qualities the +description of which generally fills columns, I know not. All I know, +is that in her presence, I forget my existence; the past, the +future--all I feel is that she is there beside me and that I would +desire nothing more to all eternity, than that she should remain so. Do +you recollect how strange it once seemed to us, that the same +passionate poet, from whose brain proceeded 'Werther' should have +expressed such tame feelings as these--</p> + +<div class="poem"> + +<p class="t4">"'Gaze at the moon,<br> +Or think of thee,<br> +I fancy 'tis the same.<br> +All in a holy light, I see,<br> +And know not how it came.'</p> +</div> + +<p class="normal">"And now to my shame be it spoken, I experience the same feelings in +myself. This lunacy, as we jestingly called it, has taken such +possession of me, that my only desire at present is, that through all +the future years of my life, I might live as in one long night, +surrounded by the pale veiled halo which now calms my soul.</p> + +<p class="normal">"This is but a dream. Ere long I must insist on my little patient's +departure to more civilised regions, where she will be better provided +for during her convalescence, than she can be here, where chicken-broth +is the landlady's sole culinary achievement. Then I shall become +unnecessary, and can bid farewell to the Dead Lake, and once more try +to live in a world which after these events will seem doubly desolate +to me. Was I not right in deploring the departure of the train? By this +time I should have reached my destination. But why should not the +journey be only postponed for a fortnight; especially as the one I had +intended to take does in no wise depend on the weather, or the company. +I can tell you the reason, Charles; I know that you will not despise me +for it. My courage is gone! Is it so very despicable that I now dread +that gloomy depth, into which a week ago I was willing to plunge; now +that I have found a place of rest up here in the daylight? And though +in a few days I shall be again roaming about, like the wandering +unsettled savage I was, up to this last week, yet nothing can ever +efface from my heart the feeling that somewhere between heaven and +earth there is a corner where I could live in repose; where, like that +Matricide, in Sophocles, I had found a sanctuary from which, awed by +the holiness of the refuge even the furies keep aloof, and dare not +sully the threshold.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Unfortunately, it is perfectly clear to me that from her, I also must +keep aloof. This woman even if I ventured to offer her my unamiable +society for the remainder of her life, could but politely decline. She +has made a vow to remain faithful to the memory of her dead husband. +What is a vow? Ought it to be a chain to bind and check our very +existence, after we have outgrown our former selves. In the course of +seven years the physical part of man is completely renewed, and is our +spiritual part, surrounded by new flesh and blood to remain the same, +because some misanthrope doubted his own power of revival. Have I not +also broken my vow never again to approach a sick-bed. And I even deem +this to be rather to my credit than my shame. But the vow of this woman +is raised far above the fickleness of human wishes and resolves. She +wishes me well; I could find no truer friend in need than she would +prove. She would make any sacrifice but this for me, who have saved her +child; but her whole existence, her heart, and soul are rivetted to the +memory of her own passed happiness, and to the future happiness of her +child--and for me, to whom the present alone is of importance.... I +have carefully avoided the question as to where she lives, in what +town, under what circumstances in what neighbourhood. I will part from +her without knowing anything of this, lest I should be tempted to seek +her, and endeavour to make the impossible possible.</p> + +<p class="normal">"A few days more of the happiness of this singular position--in this +solitary wilderness among the mountains, far from all the littlenesses +and miseries of the world, and as if we were in heaven, where there is +neither giving in marriage, nor parting--then come what may; what must!</p> + +<p class="normal">"In truth it is a strange and cruel remedy which fate has employed, +making a deep incision in my heart, in order to convince me how little +I was ripe for death; how much strength and feeling there was still in +me, how much I could yet endure!</p> + +<p class="normal">"Enough of this for to-day. We live here totally deprived of all postal +communication. When, and where, I shall close this letter and forward +it, the Gods only know, if indeed they concern themselves with our +correspondence.</p> + +<p class="right">"Farewell!"</p> + +<p class="normal">He laid down the pen and listened. From the sick room, the child's soft +prattle was heard and though free from the restless and rambling tone +of fever, yet it was an unusually late hour for the child to be awake. +He also heard the soft voice of the mother calming it by a few soothing +words. When Everhard entered the room the child was already fast +asleep.</p> + +<p class="normal">"She has just been dreaming of you;" turning towards him with one of +her charming smiles; "she told me, she dreamt that you had given her a +white lamb, with a red ribbon round its neck, which took food from her +hand. She had possessed it for some time when it suddenly occurred to +her that she had not thanked you for it; so she begged me to call you +that she might repair this neglect."</p> + +<p class="normal">"And why did you not call me?" asked the doctor.</p> + +<p class="normal">"I told her that her uncle Everhard would never listen to any thanks. +That Mamma too had received a gift from him for which she never, never +could thank him sufficiently. The best way to thank him, was to be a +good child and go to sleep again. You should have seen how earnestly +the dear child tried, after this, to go to sleep. You see she is asleep +already and her forehead is moist. You have more influence, over her +than any other person has."</p> + +<p class="normal">He thoughtfully contemplated the childish face.</p> + +<p class="normal">"I regret that I am not a princess," Lucille continued with a slight +blush; "for then I could offer you a place at my court, and beg you to +accompany me on my travels in the capacity of Court Physician. I cannot +imagine what we shall do without you--at every cold little Fanny +catches, we shall miss you sadly. And yet I am content with my station +in life. A princess would perhaps presume that she could repay you for +your devotion to her child by offering you an establishment. I cannot +regret the feeling that I can never repay you for all your generosity." +She stretched out her hand to him, which he pressed, strangely moved, +to his lips.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Madame Lucille," he said, without continuing the subject, "it is now +eleven o'clock; it is my turn to watch, and you are relieved."</p> + +<p class="normal">"No," she answered gaily, I am not quite so obedient as our little Fan, +or rather, sleep does not so readily obey my call. You must allow me to +remain awake for another hour, and if you are not tired, you shall read +aloud to me. I have seen a volume of Goethe's works in your hands. I +admire him above all other poets, and wish to get more fully acquainted +with him, for I must confess to my shame, that on looking through your +volume the other day, I remarked that most of its contents were unknown +to me.</p> + +<p class="normal">"As you please," he said, "but most of its contents will remain for +ever new to you, were you to hear them ever so often. At least that is +my experience of them."</p> + +<p class="normal">He fetched the book, the first volume of the poems, and without +selecting any particular poem began at the first page. He lowered his +voice but read without any studied art of delivery. Never had he so +keenly and clearly felt the charm of the everlasting spring which +emanates from the blossoms of the poet's youthful ardour.</p> + +<p class="normal">He dared not look at her whilst he read fearing to meet the mute +enquiry in the eyes of the young woman; but when he came to "the +hunter's evening song," he with difficulty faltered out the words,</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<p class="t4">'Gaze at the moon,<br> +Or think of thee,<br> +I fancy 'tis the same.<br> +All in a holy light, I see,<br> +And know not how it came!'</p> +</div> + +<p class="normal">Suddenly he stopped, let the book glide on to the bed of the child, and +rose hastily.</p> + +<p class="normal">"What has happened?" she asked, startled. "Go and rest," he replied +with averted face. "Wake the nurse; she can take my watch for this +night. The atmosphere here oppresses me, I must breathe the fresh air, +I already feel better, since I have risen. I will go and take a row on +the lake."</p> + +<p class="normal">So saying he disappeared, leaving her with all her feelings in a state +of tumultuous disturbance at the enigma she dared not solve.</p> +<br> + +<hr class="W20"> +<br> + +<p class="normal">The next day at their early meeting, they succeeded in assuming the gay +and unconstrained tone which had hitherto existed between them. The +child assisted them in their efforts. The night had been quiet and +refreshing, and a bath which had been prepared for her, under +Everhard's superintendence; in an old washing tub of the landlady's had +greatly revived her, and had sent her off into another long sleep. +Towards evening the doctor brought home from his walk different kinds +of ferns, gentians, and also gaily coloured pebbles which he had found +near the rocks. He sat down by Fanny's bed-side, and told her all about +the birds, and other small animals which he had met in his wanderings +over the heights. He was pleased at the intelligent questions the child +put to him, as she sat up in bed and admired with wide opened eyes the +treasures he had laid on her coverlet. The mother sat beside them +working at a piece of embroidery. From the kitchen without was heard +the crackling of the fire on the hearth, over which the child's soup +was being prepared. Everhard did not relinquish his night watch this +time, but no more was said of reading aloud. Neither was there any +mention made of it during the following nights, and indeed no occasion +for it presented itself. The night watching had now become almost +unnecessary, so the doctor could, without further apprehension, remain +a good deal in his room. Even in the day-time, now that the child was +allowed to be up for several hours, he seldom appeared. But often under +pretext of fishing he would row over to the islet from whence he did +not return till late in the evening, or he would roam through the pine +woods and the ravine, and climb up to the ice cavern.</p> + +<p class="normal">The farm-servant who hearing that the lady wished for the last +strawberries of the season had climbed up there, to look for some, +reported on his return that he had met the doctor seated on a rock, and +looking like a man in a dream. He had bidden him good day, and the +doctor had started up, and with a silent nod of recognition, had +disappeared in the wood. He was evidently touched in the head, the +farm-servant continued; I always said so from the moment I saw him +sitting quite crazed like in the tap-room, and refusing all +refreshment.</p> + +<p class="normal">This continued during several days. In proportion to the progress of +the child's recovery did the doctor's melancholy, from which the sudden +call of duty had roused him, appear to increase. Those days were full +of gloom; he felt how necessary it was to abridge them. One forenoon he +started without waiting for dinner, not caring to meet the sad +inquiring look in Lucille's eyes. He climbed up the steep ravine with +the firm resolve to arrive at a final decision. In spite of the fierce +noon-day heat, he pursued a road which he had recently discovered, and +which led towards the south across the rocky ridge of the mountains. He +knew that if he continued his walk he would reach before night fall a +Romanic<a name="div2_01" href="#div2Ref_01"><sup>[1]</sup></a> village which was separated from the dead lake by nearly +impassable tracts of ice and snow. Once there, and he had achieved all +that now seemed impossible to him, all leave taking was spared him and +he was as one dead to those to whom he had now become useless.</p> + +<p class="normal">This seemed to him the best plan, and he relied on his strength of will +to carry it out. But when the last glimpse of the lake had disappeared +and he found himself surrounded only by the sterile wilderness of +rocks, he felt so wretched that he could not proceed, but flung himself +on the ground, in the shade of a projecting rock, and buried his face +amidst the moss and heather. He eagerly sought for all the reasons +which should prevent his departure, and make his return necessary, his +papers, his diary which he had left in his room; the anxiety his sudden +disappearance would cause Lucille. Then he reflected that he was in +duty bound to provide for their departure, and for their safe journey +to the next town. He made a solemn vow that all should be done that +very day. He would send down the farm-servant to order a carnage as +soon as he had returned to the inn. In twenty-four hours everything +would be accomplished, and the separation irrevocable. After that he +did not care what happened.</p> + +<p class="normal">When he had firmly settled this in his mind, he felt relieved, and +hastily arose to reach the inn without further delay. He resolved to be +cheerful and to enjoy the few hours that remained to him of her society +as if they were to last for ever. He regretted having embittered many a +day by the thought of the approaching end. He plucked a bunch of +scentless Alpine flowers and ferns--it should be his farewell token to +little Fanny. So thinking he rapidly descended the steep mountain, and +reached the last firs in the ravine when the greatest heat of the day +was over. Below him lay the lake. Not the slightest breeze ruffled its +calm surface which clearly reflected the small meadow on the opposite +shore; the firs on the steep slope above it, and beyond these, the bare +grey rocks and crags. Then he looked towards the fisherman's house. His +quick eye discerned every shingle on its stone laden roof--in the yard, +the old hen followed by her yellow brood, and the linen hung out on +ropes to dry. Those who lived beneath that lowly roof were nowhere to +be seen. Generally at this time of the day, everyone dozed over some +slight work, so Everhard was much surprised when he saw the door of the +house open, and a perfect stranger step out into the bright sunshine. +He was a tall young man dressed in a light summer costume. His face was +partly shaded by a broad brimmed straw-hat, and only a fair moustache +of a military cut was visible underneath it.</p> + +<p class="normal">The newcomer stood still for a few minutes, looked around him as if to +examine the weather, and then eagerly talked through the open door to +some one who had not yet appeared. A few minutes later Lucille joined +him, without a hat, only holding a large parasol to protect her +delicate complexion from the sun. She accompanied the stranger to the +shed on the lake, and a moment after Everhard saw them both issue from +it, in one of the boats, and take the direction across the smooth lake +towards the islet. The stranger wielded the oars so dextrously that +they soon reached their destination. Then leaping on shore he assisted +Lucille to get out. They walked along the shore wending their way +between the birches and the high bulrushes, apparently with the +intention of making the circuit of the small island. Everhard's heart +throbbed so wildly that he had to lean against the stem of a fir-tree +till the first giddiness had passed.</p> + +<p class="normal">Who was the new comer who seemed so intimate with her, that she +followed him on his boating excursions, and thus granted him what she +had ever refused to Everhard her friend and helper? Who was this +stranger that she leant on his arm, and while walking by his side, and +gaily conversing with him seemed even to forget her child, and +abandoned it to the care of the nurse? Well whoever it was, he had +arrived just in time to wake them all out of the dream into which the +solitary stillness of the place had lulled them.</p> + +<p class="normal">Doubtless the sight of this old acquaintance brought back to Lucille's +remembrance all that she had forgotten at the bed-side of her child; +her intercourse with the outer world; her friends, and admirers, +recollections to which Everhard would ever remain a stranger, and which +summoned her back to a life in which he could have no share. So much +the better! It could but facilitate the execution of his resolves, and +confirm the urgency of a separation.</p> + +<p class="normal">He felt it was impossible to share her presence with a third. He strode +down the precipitous path, and reached the house greatly exhausted, and +his knees knocking under him. He remarked a travelling carriage which +stood beside the shed, and in the stables in which a cow was kept +during the winter, two horses were tied to the manger. Without heeding +the landlady who was dying to tell him the news, he walked straight +into the room where the child sat at the table playing with a new doll.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Uncle Max is here," she cried out to him, her face beaming with joy. +"He has brought me a doll that can move its eyes; then he dined with +Mamma, and now they are both on the island. They will soon return +however, as Uncle Max means to take us away in his large travelling +carriage, but Mamma said that she would not move a step without your +special consent."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Fanny," he said, and took the child's curly head between his hands, +"you won't forget me, though I cannot offer you a beautiful doll, but +only a simple bunch of flowers?"</p> + +<p class="normal">The child looked up surprised; "Mamma said that after the good God, I +should love you best, because you have saved my life. I love you better +than all other people; but Mamma I love best of all."</p> + +<p class="normal">He stooped over the fair face, and kissed the child's truthful loving +eyes, and her pale lips.</p> + +<p class="normal">"You are right, little Fan," said he, speaking with difficulty, "she +deserves your love. Here is my bouquet, and give her my compliments." +He turned towards the door.</p> + +<p class="normal">"What are you going away! the child called after him; won't you come, +and tell me some nice story."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Another time," was all he could say. The nurse who just then came in, +tried to detain him, and wondered at his disturbed appearance, but he +passed her by, and hastening to his own room locked the door behind +him.</p> + +<p class="normal">Once more alone, he was so overcome by the agony of his feelings that +he dropped into a chair and his strong frame shook with convulsive +though tearless sobs. But he promptly recovered himself, pressed his +hand to his heart as if to still its throbbings and proceeded to stuff +his few possessions into his travelling bag. Only his portfolio he kept +back; then he sat down at the table, and mechanically took out the +letter to his friend as if to add another postscript, but he vainly +sought for words and he finally laid it down, took up another sheet and +began to write a short account of the child's illness, with the +intention of leaving it to Lucille in case she should find another +consultation necessary.</p> + +<p class="normal">He found a certain satisfaction in clearly wording his statement, and +in perceiving how steadily his hand wielded the pen. "At least I have +not yet lost my senses," he said aloud.</p> + +<p class="normal">He had just finished this writing when a man's quick step was heard +approaching his room, and then came a knock at the door. He rose with +an angry feeling. He could not deny his presence, and yet this meeting +was intensely distasteful to him. He unlocked the door with a +countenance which was anything but inviting. The moustachied stranger +however entered with the most amiable air. Apparently he did not expect +a very gracious reception, but seemed fully determined not to let +himself be put out by anything.</p> + +<p class="normal">"My dear doctor," he exclaimed in an engaging manner, and with a +friendly shake of the hand. "Pray excuse my intruding on you; Lucille +has told me that you refuse to listen to any thanks, but I am not to be +daunted; I am a soldier and would think it dishonourable to be afraid +of anything; even of the glum face of a benefactor; and so I boldly +express my thanks, at the risk of being challenged by you afterwards, +and tell you that I shall always feel indebted to you, and that you can +command my services at any time as you would those of your oldest +friend.--You have worked wonders, you best of doctors! Not only with +the little one, whose welfare I have at heart as though it were my own +child, but above all with the mother--I can assure you that I hardly +recognized her. From the time when her husband my dear brother was +buried with his comrades in one common grave on the field of battle, +her widowed grief, up to a few weeks ago, had always remained the same. +All the efforts of her friends to restore her to her former +cheerfulness were vain. Seven years! In truth, I should say that the +most legitimate grief might be overcome in that time. Between +ourselves, be it said, though I sincerely loved my brother, yet I have +found these seven years unconscionably long. Lucille was my lady love +as well as my brother's, but then I was only a good for nothing +lieutenant, and so I had to yield the precedence to my brother Victor. +Now it seems to me that I have every right to assert my claim +considering that it is of such long standing. Don't you think so, +doctor? But in spite of my perseverance through all these years, not +the slightest ray of hope was ever granted to me. I wished to accompany +her on this visit to the grave; but no, my request was mercilessly +refused. Wait till she has returned, I said to myself; who knows but +this visit may be the last stage of her conjugal grief. So I waited for +her return, or at least for a letter, but when three weeks had passed +without any tidings of her, fearing that some misfortune had happened, +I took leave of absence from my regiment, and traced her steps till I +found her here at the Dead Lake; not the cold and reserved Lucille of +old, but a totally changed being. The gratitude she feels for the +preservation of her child, seems to have reconciled her to life, and +consequently it will be to you alone that I shall owe my thanks, should +I one day be allowed to give her a far dearer name than that of sister. +She owns that it is you who have broken the ice, and talks of you with +so much enthusiasm that if I did not know that it overflowed from the +abundant thankfulness of her maternal heart, I should feel jealous of +you."</p> + +<p class="normal">A short silence followed this artless avowal, during which the young +officer paced the room; then walked to the casement, and rapped his +fingers against the low ceiling.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Well," he exclaimed, with his good-humoured laugh, "you doctors are +certainly not more fastidious than we soldiers! How did you manage to +hold out in this dismal hole? We will now try to make you as +comfortable as possible, for of course you are coming with us. Lucille +would never reconcile herself to the thought of losing her court +physician."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I much regret," answered Everhard in a calm voice, "that Madam Lucille +is mistaken in this case. The child can travel without the least +danger; it is even necessary that she should leave this place, where +the food is not adapted to her delicate state of health. I had +determined to order a travelling carriage for tomorrow, when I +perceived your carriage. I could not place the ladies under better +protection than yours, so you must pardon me if I leave you to-day."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Impossible!" cried the young officer in a tone of the most sincere +dismay. "What a desperate clamour the women would set up at your +leaving us so suddenly. Lucille, little Fan, even the nurse would cling +to your coat tails; I should have to arrest you by barring the way with +my sword."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Possibly they may augment the difficulties of this inevitable and +necessary step," remarked the doctor with a grave face, "so the best +plan will be, not to mention my resolve and at nightfall I can easily +depart without any leave taking. Here is a report of the child's +illness, take the paper with you, but I trust it will not be required. +If you go only short day's journies, the drive at this season will +probably be beneficial to the health of the little patient. And so +permit me to bid you good-bye. I beg you to present my compliments to +your sister-in-law."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Doctor, this cannot be your final decision; I hope you will yet change +your mind; meanwhile I will take this statement and leave you, for I +fear I have disturbed you whilst writing. Au revoir."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Do not betray me." Everhard called after him. The young officer put +his finger to his lips, and hastened through the tap-room whistling a +merry tune.</p> + +<p class="normal">Everhard had hardly been alone for ten minutes pacing his room like a +prisoner who is meditating how he can escape from his bare and narrow +cell, when he suddenly heard the outer door again open, and a step, +which sent the blood to his heart, approach his room.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Is my cup of bitterness not yet full," he murmured to himself.</p> + +<p class="normal">The door opened and Lucille stood before him with an expression in her +eyes which utterly disconcerted him and forced him to cast his down.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Pardon me my friend," she said in an agitated voice, "if once more I +intrude on your solitude, though you so evidently avoid me. You even +intend to leave us without a word of farewell. My brother-in-law did +not admit this; but I was aware of it from his manner when he left your +room, and as I have long suspected this to be your intention, I was not +much astonished, though greatly grieved. I owe you so much that it +would be useless again to repeat my thanks before we part; but it is +not generous in you to deprive me of all opportunity of rendering you +any service, or of showing you the deep interest I feel in you. I am +persuaded that my friendship is not incapable of giving you relief if +you would but return the confidence with which I have always treated +you from the first hour we met. A secret grief consumes you. What would +I not give to be able to aid you in bearing the load which oppresses +you! Now could I leave you, perhaps never to meet you again, and have +to reproach myself with the thought, that although knowing, that you, +dearest and most devoted of friends, were suffering deeply, I yet +allowed a miserable fear of appearing curious and importunate to deter +me from making any attempt to assuage those sufferings or to learn +their cause!"</p> + +<p class="normal">"No," she continued with heightened colour, "I know that you are not +selfish enough to burden me with this unbearable grief and remorse, +only because it humbles your pride to acknowledge your sufferings to a +woman."</p> + +<p class="normal">He did not once interrupt her, but stood with his eyes fixed on the +ground. When she had ceased speaking, he made an effort to answer her +but he did not look up. "Thank you," he said, "I know that your +questions proceed from the kindness and benevolence of your heart; and +be assured that if the weight which oppresses me could be lightened by +human means, I would apply to you for help--I was enabled to come to +your aid, why therefore should I not accept succour from you? But there +are certain circumstances in life which cannot be altered, and in such +cases, I think it is foolish weakness, and even culpable to give vent +to useless complaints, and to importune one's friends with them. Let us +part. When the health of your child is completely restored to its +former bloom, the sad impressions connected with the remembrance of the +Dead Lake will vanish from your mind, and with them the image of a man +who"--....</p> + +<p class="normal">Feeling that emotion was overpowering him, he suddenly stopped, and +walked to the window to regain his composure. When after a moment he +again turned towards Lucille, he saw her leaning against the door post, +pale as death and with the same pained expression on her countenance +that he had noticed the first day of her arrival.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Good heavens, what ails you?" exclaimed he; "Know then, if you cannot +bear the feeling of being indebted to me, that we are quits. If I have +succeeded in saving the life of your child, you have fully acquitted +this debt by preserving my own life."</p> + +<p class="normal">She looked up with surprise.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Yes," he continued; "on that very table, on the night I first met you, +I wrote a farewell letter to life. The letter still lies there, so you +see that I have changed my resolution. I do not say that I feel +grateful to you for it. Possibly non existence has its dark side too, +but it cannot be worse than remaining between life and death neither +suited to the one, nor prepared for the other--enough of this! Is it +your fault if the life which you saved was not worth the trouble? Do +not let us prolong so painful a meeting. Our paths now diverge--You +return to your home, I go where fate leads me. I am driven on by my +destiny like a stone which a boy rolls before him. I thank you for the +happy days I have spent in this wilderness; they have been the first, +for a long time, in which I felt that I lived. It is a pity that they +must pass away like every thing else in this perishable world."</p> + +<p class="normal">"And why must they pass, away?" she asked looking up with anxious and +imploring eyes. "Why will you not accompany us?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Why? because"--he suddenly stopped. His eyes whilst wandering round +the room had fastened on the letter to his friend which lay on the +table, beside the travelling bag. A sudden thought flashed through his +mind. "You wish to test the value I set on your friendship, and that it +is not pride which prevents me from availing myself of your kindness; +well then take this letter, but promise not to read it before +to-morrow. Will you promise this?"</p> + +<p class="normal">She only bowed without looking at him.</p> + +<p class="normal">"This letter contains every explanation which I could not bring myself +to utter. When you have read it, you will understand that I can no +longer remain here, and that you ought not to detain me. And now give +me your hand once more. Let me also thank you again for the happiness +of knowing you! He pressed her hand to his lips with much emotion. +Embrace your child to-morrow when you have read the letter, and +then--but I need not ask you for this; then in spite of all, think +kindly of me. I know that you will do so, have you not the heart and +soul of an angel!"</p> + +<p class="normal">He hastened from the room and passed through the empty passage. He +heard Fanny's voice in the sitting-room. She talked with the nurse and +mentioned his name. This accelerated his steps. He had just presence of +mind enough left him to throw a handful of money to the landlady, and +to bid her good-bye, then he followed the cart track which led into the +valley, and hastily turned round the first corner without looking back. +After he had walked for a quarter of an hour unconscious of all around +him, only blindly driven on by the dim feeling that if he once looked +back his strength would fail him; it suddenly occurred to him that he +was walking northward in the direction of Germany, instead of turning +towards the lakes of Lombardy as he had at first intended. "What does +it matter," he said to himself; "what is home to me, am I not +everywhere a stranger?" He descended to the bed of the mountain stream +which flowed by the roadside. There he rested for a while, bathed his +feverish brow with the cold water, and listened to its gurggle as it +flowed over the pebbly bed. The sound reminded him of Fanny's clear +voice when she laughed for the first time after her illness. This +recollection so overpowered him that the tears streamed from his eyes, +and he let his grief take its course without trying to check it.</p> + +<p class="normal">A cart which passed him in its slow progress up the hill, roused him +from his painful thoughts. It occurred to him, that the carter would +stop at the inn and there probably see Lucille and her child. That +happiness would never be his again! However he remained firm to his +resolve, and wandered on till he felt, in his trembling knees and +exhausted frame, how deeply the last few hours had affected him.</p> + +<p class="normal">He had now reached a more expanded part of the valley; he sat down +beside a small shed which had formerly served as shelter to the workmen +of a quarry. His head sank on his chest, and he was soon absorbed in +gloomy thoughts and reveries.</p> + +<p class="normal">An hour passed and found him still sitting there half stupified; +neither feeling pain nor wishing for any thing. He only heard the +rushing of the water and stared vacantly at the stones and mosses at +his feet. Suddenly he started up, the tread of horses was heard, and +the grating sound of the heavy drag as a carriage proceeded slowly down +the hill. A secret presentiment thrilled through him, he looked up with +a feeling of terror, and to his dismay recognized the carriage of the +young officer.</p> + +<p class="normal">On the box beside the coachman was seated the nurse, her fat +good-humoured face shaded by a large straw hat and a blue veil, though +the sun had now sunk low, and only a few slanting rays reached the deep +glen. His first thought was to spring up, and fly before them. But even +if he could have got in advance of them here on this steep road, once +in the plain they would speedily overtake him; so he had no chance of +escaping. He stealthily rose and approached the door of the hut. "They +have not yet seen me," he murmured; "they will drive past, and then +this last pain will have been overcome; but why could they not have +spared me this?"</p> + +<p class="normal">He entered the shed half ashamed of slinking away, and hiding like an +outlaw.</p> + +<p class="normal">Through all those days of inward strife he had never felt so thoroughly +wretched and unhappy as he did at that moment. Now when his last +strength was exhausted, he had to witness the triumphant progress of +one to whom he bitterly grudged the prize that was denied him.</p> + +<p class="normal">Cautiously he pressed against the wooden partition of the hut he could +not refrain from looking through the small aperture which stood in lieu +of a window, and once more gaze on those dear faces.</p> + +<p class="normal">They were now so close to him that he could examine the inside of the +carriage. On the further side lay the child asleep, wrapped up in +blankets, and cloaks. Lucille sat beside her, and held her hand, but +her eyes searchingly scanned the road. Where was her young protector? +"He will follow on foot," thought Everhard. "Thank heaven they have +passed; now all is over!"</p> + +<p class="normal">Suddenly the carriage stopped. The coachman jumped off his seat, and +opened the door. Lucille hastily descended and walked towards the hut. +A few moments later and she stood with a bright flush on her cheek +before the bewildered young man.</p> + +<p class="normal">"You see that all your resistance is vain my dear friend," she said in +a trembling voice. "You wished to escape, but we follow you; we +discover your hiding-place, and now hold you fast in spite of your +resistance. We cannot do without you, you must...."</p> + +<p class="normal">"For heaven's sake," he cried, greatly agitated, "what has happened. +Has the child had another attack?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Our child sleeps," said the charming woman, and her voice sank low; +"but still we want you my dear friend. This time ... this time, it is +the mother who entrusts her life to you."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Lucille!" he exclaimed, well-nigh distracted, and seizing the +hand which she offered him, drew her into the hut. "Can I?--may I +hope?--Will you indeed ..."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I must ask you to pardon me," she replied blushing still more deeply: +"I could not wait till to-morrow, but read your letter the moment you +were gone. Then, I may as well confess all,--I had to sustain a severe +conflict within me, but I soon felt that I never could again arrive at +a clear understanding of my own heart, if I let you depart. You have +broken your vow, and have resolved to bear life for my sake, I can only +return this by surrendering myself to you. He to whom I pledged my +faith, never had another wish during his life than to see me happy. I +am convinced that if I could now explain to him how all this has +happened, he would release me from my word. When I had clearly +perceived this, I could find no rest. I have confided everything to my +brother-in-law. He has remained behind with a heavy heart; but he told +me to shake hands with you in his name. 'If he can make you happy +Lucille,' these were his last words, 'I will try not to hate him.' Will +you make the trial my dear friend?"</p> + +<p class="normal">Unable to contain himself any longer he fell on his knees at her feet, +clung to her hands, and buried his face in the folds of her dress. He +could not utter a word except her name, which he stammered out +repeatedly in faltering accents.</p> + +<p class="normal">"How is this?" she whispered. "Overcome this emotion, and be a man. You +ought to be my support; I must look up to you. Have I not done so, +during all these days?"</p> + +<p class="normal">He rose slowly. "Pardon me darling," he said, pressing her to his +heart, and ratifying on her lips a mute vow. "My knees could no longer +support me. This day has brought me too much misery and bliss. Now I am +strong again, now my heart can once more sustain hope and happiness. +Let us walk to the carriage, I am impatient to embrace our child."</p> + +<hr class="W10"> + +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h1>DOOMED.</h1> + +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h2><a name="div1_doomed" href="#div1Ref_doomed">DOOMED.</a></h2> +<hr class="W10"> +<br> + +<p class="dateline">Meran, 5th October 1860.</p> + +<p class="normal">A week has passed since my arrival and I have not written a line! I was +too much exhausted and agitated by the long journey. When I sat down to +write, gazing on the white blank pages, it seemed to me as if I were +looking into a camera obscura. All the scenes which had greeted me on +my journey appeared so clearly and vividly before me and chased each +other as in a feverish dream till my eyes filled with tears.</p> + +<p class="normal">More than once during the journey I had felt the tears ready to start, +but I was not alone, and I had no desire to be pitied, and questioned +by the strangers who occupied the carriage with me.</p> + +<p class="normal">Here it is different--I am alone and free. Already I have learnt by +experience that solitude only can bring freedom. Why am I, even now, +ashamed to weep? have I not a full right to do so? Is it not sad that +my first glimpse of the beauties of this world should also be my last?</p> + +<p class="normal">Truly it were better that I closed this book, and left the blank pages +as they are. With what can I fill them but with useless complaints. I +had imagined that it would be pleasant and consoling to write down +every thought that crossed my mind, every event in this my last winter. +I wished to bequeath this book to my dear brother, my little Ernest, +who is as yet too young to understand life and death; but some day or +other he would prize it, when, asking about his sister, he found no one +to answer him. Now, however, I see it was a foolish thought. How could +I wish to live in the memory of those dear to me, in the image of my +last illness. Better that he should forget me, than have impressed on +his mind these pale features which frighten even me when I look at them +in the mirror.</p> +<div style="margin-left:60%; font-size:90%"> +<p class="continue">Evening.--<br> +--The atmosphere heavy and lowering.--</p> +</div> +<p class="normal">For several hours I have been sitting at the open casement. From thence +one can overlook the beautiful country of the Adige. And far beyond the +walls of the town and the wide-spreading<a name="div2_02" href="#div2Ref_02"><sup>[2]</sup></a> poplars which border the +stone-dike beside the rushing Passer, the view extends over the lower +pasture-lands, intersected with a hundred rivulets, where the cattle +feed, to the distant chain of mountains which bounds the horizon. The +air was so still that I could hear the voices of the promenaders on the +<i>Wassermauer</i><a name="div2_03" href="#div2Ref_03"><sup>[3]</sup></a>--or was it a fancy of mine?</p> + +<p class="normal">The children of my landlord, a tailor, peeped in curiously through the +door till I at last gave them the remainder of the chocolate in my +travelling bag. How joyfully they ran down with it to their mother! +Soon I became more calm and cheerful. I found that I had been wrong in +dreading my own soliloquies. Why, even considering these leaves as a +legacy, should they only contain sorrow? Did I not leave home, where I +was tied down by a hundred fetters with the full determination for +once, to enjoy life and liberty? And shall I now bear witness against +myself that I am unworthy of that freedom?</p> + +<p class="normal">Certainly it will be but a brief enjoyment, but all the more firmly +will I grasp it and not embitter it by weakness and absorbing +self-pity.</p> + +<p class="normal">The landlady told me that this morning a burgher of Meran, who had +never suffered from illness in his life, had died suddenly in his +prime. They had all expected that he would attain to a good old age, +and, probably, he had thought so himself. Comparing my fate with his, +is not mine preferable? Probably, like the generality of men, he had +spent his days in toil and labour, looking forward to a time when +having earned a sufficiency, he would be able to rest, and enjoy the +remainder of his life. His end was unexpected, whilst I know mine. And +is not this difference all in my favour? Is not spring yet distant, and +should I so fully enjoy this reprieve, were its short duration +concealed from me? Oh, truly it is a blessing not to be overtaken, and +surprised by death; to watch his slow approach, and only then, face to +face with him, learn to live. I can never sufficiently express my +thanks to our doctor, my dear fatherly friend, for not keeping the +truth from me--thus has he fully redeemed the promise he gave to my +dying mother, always to stand by me as a friend.</p> + +<p class="normal">The night has now set in. I can hardly see what I write. In my whole +life, I have never felt so thoroughly at peace as here, in this +beautiful forecourt to the grave.--Father! that I could but waft one +breath of it to your depressed and sorrowful soul. Good night! Good +night, my little Ernest. Who has put you to bed to-night? Who shall now +tell you fairy tales to send you to sleep?</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 6th Afternoon.</p> + +<p class="normal">To-day as Frau Meisterin brought up my dinner, she eagerly tried to +persuade me to take a walk and not to sit so much at home. It was so +fine on the Wassermauer. So many people were to be seen there; she was +sure it would divert me. I could not make her understand that all I +wished was to collect my thoughts, and not to divert them; and that I +did not feel the slightest desire for the company of strangers. At +last, I convinced her by declaring that I was still so weak and so +tired with the journey that the two steep stairs were as yet too much +for me. Then she left me, and I continued to write.</p> + +<p class="normal">I have been obliged to put aside my embroidery; it now hurts my chest. +I had even to send away my landlord's little girls to whom I had +intended to give sewing-lessons.</p> + +<p class="normal">To-day a doubt weighs on my mind. It seized me suddenly for the first +time on waking this morning, and came upon me with great force and +persistence. I want to solve it now. Strange, that it should not have +struck me sooner. I was so fully convinced that I was doing right! I +knew that no one would miss me at home, that my father felt pained at +every unkind look my step-mother gave me, that I could no longer be of +use even to Ernest, since my step-mother had insisted, in spite of his +tender age, on sending him to school, only to avoid seeing him, and +having to take care of him.</p> + +<p class="normal">My father shed tears when he clasped me for the last time in his arms; +still my departure relieved him. He wished what is best for me, but +what can he do?</p> + +<p class="normal">This morning, however, the question suddenly occurred to me, whether I +had not left other duties; whether any human being, not utterly +disabled, has a right to sit down idly or go holiday making for a whole +winter. Only since I have felt happy; since the littlenesses of the +empty commonplace provincial life have ceased to oppress me, have I +begun to question myself as to what right I had to enjoyment, more than +all those thousands to whom death is not more distant, than it is to +me, and who are forced to strive and wrestle to their last breath, and +here am I closing a truce with the enemy, and celebrating a festival as +if I had been victorious.--</p> + +<p class="dateline">7th October.</p> + +<p class="normal">That question for which my poor head could find no answer, I have +solved to-day when I came home as shattered from my first walk as if I +had laboured for a day in chains. No, I am fit for nothing but rest, +and if it taste sweeter to me than to many, that cannot be a cause for +self-reproach. Am I not more easily contented than others? If I am of +no use, am I a burden to any one? Even if I did not avail myself of the +small inheritance left me by my mother, but kept it intact for my +brother Ernest, would it exempt him from the necessity of supporting +himself by his own exertions? Part of it will probably remain for him, +for as I experienced to-day, my strength is already scantier than I had +imagined. Who can tell how short my winter in the South may be? I shall +not frequent the walk under the poplars. To-day I felt uneasy among +those poor, coughing, dressed up people, who tottered about with their +baskets full of grapes, and seemed eagerly to imbibe new hope with each +berry. By those whose faces expressed hopelessness, I felt still less +attracted. It may sometimes be soothing to frequent the society of +fellow-sufferers; but when the same fate creates totally different +feelings, then that which could otherwise unite only separates, and one +feels all the more forcibly the difference of character. Not to one of +them, would I have ventured to speak of the peaceful and grateful mood +I enjoyed. They would either have looked upon me as an eccentric +enthusiast, or thought me a hypocrite.</p> + +<p class="normal">Can they be blamed for it? Possibly I too might have feared death had I +loved life more. And why was my life so little loveable?</p> + +<p class="normal">Only a few can understand the deep feeling of immensity, and peace with +which nature fills my soul. For two and twenty years I never set foot +beyond the walls of a small uninteresting commonplace town. In these +days people travel much. But for the long illness of my mother, and +after her death, the care of my little brother, I too would probably +have wandered forth from that desolate little place. This beautiful +valley already seems to me like the world to come, like a true Garden +of God. The first time I inhaled this air, I felt as if I already +glided over the earth, borne on the wings of my soul. It was certainly +a pity that they did not support me better as I toiled up the steep +narrow stairs, but what business had I to descend them, when every +glance through my windows is an excursion into Paradise.</p> + +<p class="normal">The people with whom I lodge are very poor. The man works till late at +night, and his wife has enough to do, attending to the wants of her +large family. The inside of the house looks dusky and gloomy. When the +porter of the hotel who from the simplicity of my dress inferred great +meagreness of purse, first took me through the long dark passages, and +the gloomy courts, and we scrambled up the delapidated staircase, over +the landing where dusty furniture, old spinning-wheels, beds, earthen +ware and provisions of maize lay in confused heaps, and the spiders, +undisturbed for many years, spun their webs, I felt oppressed and my +heart beat so that I had to rest at every third step. But the first +glance at my small low room reconciled me quickly to the thought +that this was to be my last earthly habitation. That old fashioned +writing-table with the brass mountings looks like the twin-brother of +the one which stood in my dear mother's room. That arm-chair is just as +high and heavy, and as brown with age, as the one she used. A few bad +prints on the wall, which disturbed me, I immediately took down, and +hung up the portraits of my parents instead. It now seems to me as if I +had been at home here for years. In one of the corners on a black +wooden console stands a crucifix which though I have not been brought +up to it, causes me deep reflection. I have received all my books. My +father sent them after me and now I want nothing more. At the same time +he wrote me just such a letter as I expected from him. That trait of +conforming oneself to what is unalterable without further struggle, I +have inherited from him. Six lines from Ernest to tell me that he is +very happy at school with his little comrades, and a greeting from my +stepmother; at least, the letter contains one, but probably my father +has added it without asking. Now I will write home. How much more +freely could I do so, if I knew that my letters reached my father's +hands only.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 10th--Evening.</p> + +<p class="normal">What strange people one meets with! An hour ago I was sitting, quite +unsuspicious of any interruption, at my window reading, and enjoying +the mild evening breeze--the sun now sets at five o'clock behind the +Marlinger mountain, yet the air retains the mildness of a summer +evening, and the tips of the high mountains to the East, a ruddy glow, +for many hours longer--when there came a knock at the door, and a short +stout lady, quite unknown to me, entered coolly, and introduced herself +to me, expressing a most cordial desire to make my acquaintance. She +had seen me on the Wassermauer the only time I had walked there, and +had immediately taken a great interest in me, for I was evidently very +ill and very lonely, and she had resolved to speak to me the next time +we met, hoping to be of some use to me.</p> + +<p class="normal">"For you must know, my dear child, that I, as I stand before you, am +fifty-nine years old, and have not been ill for one day, except during +my confinements. My two sons, and three daughters are also, thank +heaven, perfectly healthy, and are all of them married and settled in +life. But you see I have always had a passion from my earliest youth +for helping those people who were not so well off as I am, for nursing +the sick, and for rendering the last offices to the dying. My late +husband used to call me the privileged life preserver; you cannot +imagine a better nurse than I am, for you see I am of a generation when +professional ones were as yet unknown. I can easily do without sleep, +and can even assist at any operation without the least show of +weakness. I have come here with a friend of mine who cannot last much +longer. When the poor thing is released from her sufferings, I shall +have more time at my disposal than now; she has always to entreat me to +leave her and take some exercise--and so my dear child if you want +support, advice, or help, apply to no one but me; you must solemnly +promise me this. Of course I will no longer allow you to spend your +days all alone. I will often come to see you. I never stand on ceremony +with my friends, and so you must take it kindly if I tyrannize over +you--it will be all for your good. I understand nervous complaints as +well as the best of doctors--amusements, air, excitement, are the +remedies I prescribe. <i>A propos</i>, which doctor have you consulted +here?" I answered that I had not applied to any, neither intended to do +so as I knew that my malady was incurable. She shook her head +incredulously, so I took from my portfolio a sheet of paper on which +our doctor had drawn a sort of representation, to shew how far the +disease in my lungs had spread. She examined it with experienced eyes.</p> + +<p class="normal">"My dear child," she at last said, "this is all nonsense, the doctors +are all the same, the more they talk, the less they know. I could lay +any wager that your interior has a totally different aspect from this." +I told her that she had every prospect of being able to ascertain this, +but that I declined the wager, as unfortunately I could not win it +whilst alive. She only partly listened to what I said, and she +continued in so loud a voice that it pierced to my very marrow, to give +me an account of different illnesses which tended to shew how little +doctors were to be relied on, accompanying it with so many details, +that it would have made me sick, if I had not had courage and presence +of mind enough to cry for mercy. At length she rose, and in taking +leave she made a movement as if to embrace me, and was evidently +surprised when I coldly and stiffly gave her my finger tips. She +rustled out of the room in great haste, and with many promises to +return soon. I had to sit for half an hour with closed eyes to calm my +nerves. A sharp odour of acetic ether which surrounded her and which +she strongly recommended to me as a powerful neurotic, is still +prevalent in the room, and those sharp peering eyes, and the determined +expression of philanthropy in her broad face still haunt me. Only the +thought, that for some days at least, I was safe from another invasion, +gave me some consolation. But my former <i>tête-à-tête</i> with destiny; +that which gave a peculiar charm to this place are now lost to me, +unless I speak to her yet more intelligibly; and that, even in a case +of self-defence, would be most painful to me.</p> + +<p class="normal">And is this human sympathy! The few who love us pain us by it, because +we see that they suffer with us--and those who do not love us--can they +please us? "Only beggars know, what beggars feel" I once read in +Lessing. But can beggars give alms?--</p> + +<p class="dateline">The next Morning.</p> + +<p class="normal">I have had a restless night. I am so little in the habit of speaking, +and being spoken to that the shrill voice of the charitable lady still +resounds in my ears. In my dreams I had a fierce quarrel with her, till +at last she took off her fair front and threw it in my face--I woke up +with a shudder and bathed in perspiration. What rude things I had said +to her, among others that I would bequeath to her my lungs, preserved +in spirits of wine. How exceedingly impolite we are in our dreams!</p> + +<p class="normal">I dressed myself hastily, but even now I am in terror of another +invasion--my humble little corner, where I had hoped to die +peacefully--this too has been disturbed. Even here I cannot find quiet! +I really must go out and try to find some safer hiding-place.</p> + +<p class="dateline">In the Afternoon.</p> + +<p class="normal">To-day I have met with great events and have boldly surmounted +them--first a high mountain then an adventure with a savage--finally I +have revelled in nature, and solitude to intoxication. And although I +am so tired that I have to summon all my energy every time. I raise my +hand to dip my pen in the ink, yet I have renewed my inward strength, +and have got over the effect of last night's encounter. Now I could +boldly confront a whole company of coffee drinking sisters with false +fronts.</p> + +<p class="normal">How beautiful is my burial place, how marvellous the light that streams +on it. I fancied that I had already remarked the magical effects of +this light, but find that only to-day the scales have really dropped +from my eyes. Seriously I believe that what we in the north call +<i>sunshine</i> is only an imitation of it, a cheap mixture of light and +air, a sort of gilded bronze in comparison with the real solid +priceless gold which is lavished here.</p> + +<p class="normal">I moved slowly up the cool and gloomy Laubengasse<a name="div2_04" href="#div2Ref_04"><sup>[4]</sup></a> where a shiver +always seizes me and a peculiar oppression stops my breath. Then I +reached the small Platz with the fine old church. The Platz appeared +all black and red with the costumes of the peasants of the +neighbourhood, and of the valley of the Passer. Their trim holiday +dress consists of a short dark jacket with red facings, red waistcoats, +and broad brimmed hats. Most of the people are fine-looking and +stately, the men however, much handsomer than the women. Of the latter, +I have only remarked since I came, two pretty faces with regular +features.</p> + +<p class="normal">As it was a peasant's holiday, they stood about in dense groups and +none of them took the least notice of the suffering stranger who glided +past their clumsy elbows. Over the whole Platz hung a thick cloud of +acrid tobacco smoke, which gave me a fit of coughing, so I preferred to +go round the church rather than endeavour to push my way through the +uncivil crowd.</p> + +<p class="normal">In the buttresses of the church, old tomb stones were immured. On one +of them I read an inscription so full of meek resignation that I was +greatly touched by it. One, Ludovica, was buried underneath it in the +year 1836. I will write down the inscription, I learnt it by heart:</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<p class="t4">"Separate they lived, and lonely,<br> +Father, mother, and only child<br> +Till death had them together bound.<br> +In blessedness themselves they found,<br> +For aye and ever now united.<br> +So the early fading of the rose,<br> +Is to be envied; it is repose."</p> +</div> + +<p class="normal">The quiet and fervent tone of these verses accompanied me for many +hours. I walked pensively along the narrow streets up to an old gateway +which leads through a weather-beaten tower, scarred with French +bullets, into the valley of the Passeier. The view which from thence +suddenly opened before me filled me with awe, by its strangeness, +beauty, and grandeur. I sat down for half an hour on a large stone +beside the gateway, from whence a steep path leads to the Küchelberg, +and up to an old tower, formerly a powder-magazine, which now +peacefully keeps watch over the vineyards like a pensioned veteran.</p> + +<p class="normal">Just before me on a rock which projects from the Küchelberg, I +perceived the ruins of Zenoburg, and considered whether my strength +would carry me thus far on the broad and uncared for road, or if I +should content myself with crossing the stone bridge from whence I +could see the cheerful village of Obermais. A woman approached me with +a basket of grapes and peaches on her head. I bought some fruit and +after eating it felt invigorated. So I set off, pausing at every step +to look down on the Passer whose water now dark blue, now flaked with +white foam, flowed through the arch of the bridge. How boldly yet +lightly the vines hang from the rugged rocks on the banks of the river; +among them grows the wild fig-tree covered with purple fruit. Running +water conducted in canals refreshes the leaves, and now and then turns +a wheel. Large chesnut-trees rise from the depths. Everywhere luxuriant +growth and rejoicing nature meets the eye. Mine rested with especial +pleasure on the varied colouring of the rocks; here of a warm brownish +tint, there of a silvery grey. How picturesque those peasants, in their +bright costumes look, coming down from the Küchelberg, and that cart or +rather two wheeled sledge, drawn by strong whitish grey oxen, and laden +with vine-leaves, descending the Zenoburg. And above all a sky the +colour of which, I had held till now, to be a fiction of poets, and +painters. While I so walked on and wondered, I said to myself this is +all mine this is my joy and no one can take it from me. Could it be +more mine if instead of, for one moment, I had looked on it for +centuries? Who can say if the best part of every pleasure does not +consist in its transientness; how otherwise could the happy ever grow +tired of their bliss....</p> + +<p class="normal">I had probably walked on too fast while thinking of all this, so that +when I reached the top of the hill, I had to rest on a bench which +stood before a pretty house. My eyes closed in involuntary slumber. All +was still around me, only the Meran church bells which deafened me +below sounded softly up here and lulled me to sleep. How pleasantly we +dream in the mid-day sunshine, when the light penetrates our closed +eyelids, and blends in our fancy, with the marvellous colours and rays +which have nothing tangible or earthly in them. Sitting quite still for +some time, I probably went to sleep, but suddenly I started up as I +felt something cold and moist touch my hand; it was nothing worse than +the nose of a large dog, who standing beside his master, watched me +curiously. But the appearance of the latter was so horrible, that I +would willingly have believed it to be a dream, to be got rid of by +speaking and moving. It was a tall bearded man whose age I could not +define. His hair hung over his forehead, he wore a heavy and enormous +hat, covered by a wilderness of cock's feathers, fox tails, and strange +furs, casting a fierce shade over his eyes, which however as I remarked +afterwards, had a most innocent and harmless expression. Probably I +plainly showed my terror, for the mysterious apparition, which seemed +to have risen from one of the old tombs of the Zenoburg, laughed +good-naturedly, holding a very small pipe between his even white teeth, +he told me not to be frightened. He was only a Saltner, who watched the +vineyards, and as I had entered his district he requested a penny for +tobacco. In my consternation, I gave him half a florin in silver, and +hastily turned away, as I did not feel quite secure in the close +proximity of his bright spear. But the piece of silver which is scarce +here, or perhaps a holiday humour made the giant quite tame and +officious. He walked without ceremony by my side, and noticing that I +climbed with difficulty, he energetically supported my arm with his +great paw. I had to put a good face on the matter, and indeed; ended by +being thankful for his help, as I could hardly have managed to ascend +alone the last steep bit on which the ruins of the castle stand. It +struck me how reserved he was in his questions, and how communicative +about his own affairs. Comparing this charitable brother with the +uncharitable sister, who had visited me yesterday, how much more +elevated was the natural feeling of this peasant, than the obtrusive +refinement of the so-called higher classes.--On the top of the hill it +was indeed beautiful. With the exception of a small chapel and a +solitary tower which remain intact, the castle is in ruins; only a few +fragments of walls, thickly covered with ivy, are standing. Luxuriant +grass grows beneath them, tribes of lizards rustle over the sunny +stones. Tangled creepers of every description hang over the walls, and +far below, so that a falling stone would dash perpendicularly into the +water, the unruly Passer flows underneath the shelving rocks at the +foot of the hill.</p> + +<p class="normal">My armour bearer pointed out to me, on the opposite heights towards the +south, many old castles and small villages, where the vine cultivators +live, and told me the names of the different mountains, as I +comfortably sat on the grass with his dog lying beside me.</p> + +<p class="normal">At noon the church bells rang; he ceased talking took the three +cornered hat off his head and the pipe from his mouth, and crossing +himself devoutly, he prayed in silence. When the sounds had died away, +he put his hat on again, puffed at his pipe, and asked me if I were +hungry.</p> + +<p class="normal">I answered in the affirmative, but said I was still too much exhausted +to undertake my homeward journey. Without a word he descended the hill +with stalwart strides, and disappeared.</p> + +<p class="normal">Ten minutes later a little girl carrying a basin of milk, some bread +and a piece of the fete-day roast, hurried up the hill and looked about +for me, then silently and timidly placed the very welcome refreshment +before me. After many vain attempts, I at last coaxed the child to +speak to me. She told me that the Saltner had ordered it all for me in +the house below; he himself was busy in the vineyards, and would not +come again. The child then ran away and left me alone to feast in this +delightful solitude. Never had I eaten a more delicious meal. I was +quite ashamed of having consumed all, and having to carry back the +empty dishes.</p> + +<p class="normal">With difficulty I persuaded the good people to accept some money; +probably the Saltner had forbidden them to take any. In vain I looked +for him on my back. I do not even know his name.</p> + +<p class="normal">Is this not quite an adventure? and have I not reason to note this day.</p> + +<p class="dateline">October the 12th--Morning.</p> + +<p class="normal">This morning on waking, I thought how strange it is, that each +different class should envy the supposed freedom of the other, although +no true freedom can be found where the sense of this difference of +classes exists. Perhaps while I am casting a longing glance at the life +of these poor peasants who pass their days among vines, fields of +maize, and mulberry-trees, and who know as little of the hundred narrow +conventional considerations of propriety which rule the so-called +refined classes than the silk worm knows of the glittering misery which +may one day be covered by his web; to them the life of a town lady who +if she chose might spend her days in waltzing may seem a life of +supreme happiness and freedom. They are tied to their labour hour after +hour, and when they rest on Sundays they can as little free themselves +from the tedious customs which confine their enjoyments, as they can in +the heat of a summer-day, exchange the heavy woollen skirt with the +hundreds of plaits, for a lighter dress.</p> + +<p class="normal">The educated classes certainly have this advantage that they <i>can</i> +emancipate themselves when they will, but still would such a one not be +blamed by his equals, just as peasant is blamed when he goes out +shooting in the harvest time? Altogether....</p> + +<p class="dateline">1 <i>o'clock</i>.</p> + +<p class="normal">No I will not bear this any longer, if I had to challenge the whole +world for it. The dying surely need not lie, need not submit to be +tormented, and smile complacently all the while. I am so revolted and +harassed--my nerves are so bruised, that I wish for a speaking trumpet +to be able to declare through it at the open window, my most solemn +renunciation of all society; unfortunately my tormentors are dining at +this moment, but this must happen sooner or later.</p> + +<p class="normal">I will have an iron bolt to my door of an hundred pounds weight, and an +iron mask for my face when I take a step out of my room.</p> + +<p class="normal">The landlady has just brought up my dinner; well it may get cold, I +have no appetite for it. My heart is beating fast with anger and +agitation.</p> + +<p class="normal">I am sick to death of all the talking that has been buzzing in my ears, +and could no more be stopped than the stream which turns that wheel +beside the bridge. That at least legitimates its noise by its useful +activity.</p> + +<p class="normal">Among all the good things I had to say of yesterday, I forgot to +mention the vain attempt of "the life-preserver" to see me. Now I +thought she will have at all events remarked that I do not wait for her +permission to breathe the fresh air and for the future will let the +light of her charity shine on more grateful beings. I little knew her.</p> + +<p class="normal">Whilst I was writing I heard her step coming up the stairs, and laying +aside my diary, I quickly took a letter which I had begun from my +portfolio, and intrenched myself behind it, determined to defend myself +to the last drop of ink.</p> + +<p class="normal">My poor forces were overthrown by her at the first assault. Letter +writing! tired! what nonsense; it was for my health I was here, and my +nerves required amusement and rest. No, as I had run up the Küchelberg +yesterday like an unreasonable child, she had come to-day to prevent +the repetition of such suicide and to show me what it was to take the +air in a healthful way. Oh, yes she had found me out, I was not pleased +to see her again so soon! but a young lady who lived by herself was on +no account to be neglected. I was only to submit to her authority, and +would certainly be grateful to her afterwards.</p> + +<p class="normal">I put on my hat silently and resignedly. I could not even feel angry at +her clumsy and good natured tone, though it made me suffer bodily pain.</p> + +<p class="normal">Chattering incessantly she dragged me towards the winter grounds, as +the most sheltered part of the Wassermauer is called, for there an old +cloister and its high garden-wall keep off all cold winds, evergreen +shrubs flourish and the rose-bushes are still covered with roses. This +place is always crowded, the band plays and the whole society of +strangers walk there or sit basking in the sunshine. My protectress +seemed purposely to have brought me here with the intention of +introducing me to this beau monde. I had to run the gauntlet of a +curious, but to me quite indifferent crowd of ladies and gentlemen. I +saw not one face that pleased me, heard not one word that reached my +heart. Then the heat under those arbours, the noise of the importunate +brass band, and the rebellion which was chafing within me against this +soft tyranny, nearly drove me distracted.</p> + +<p class="normal">Still more revolting to me than the dull unfeelingness of the healthy, +was the behaviour of many of my fellow sufferers. There sat a young +countess who as I heard had been parted from her husband, in order to +avoid all excitement, but she was not too ill to notice my simple +old-fashioned dress, which she scanned from head to foot, and then with +a crushing look, she wrapped herself up in her cashemere burnouss, as I +sat on the bench beside her.</p> + +<p class="normal">And that young girl who treated me as an old acquaintance in the first +five minutes, and told me all the scandal of Meran, though death was +written in her face, and her cough went to my heart. Are those figures +of wax, dressed up automatons, who exhibit all their old minauderies, +though when spring comes they will have to lie in their coffins.</p> + +<p class="normal">It seemed to me quite a deliverance when the dinner-bell of the hôtel +de la poste rang, and most of the company departed and my protectress +had to go to her sick friend. I hardly bid her good-bye. I could no +longer speak, or listen to a word, for I felt quite paralized; so she +has at last obtained her object and tried her cure on me, and the +result is, that both in mind and body I am more dead than alive. +Certainly that is a sort of recovery.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 13th--Evening.</p> + +<p class="normal">I have at last succeeded, and cannot sufficiently express my joy at +this achievement. I reflected that it was only just, that if I wished +for freedom, I should purchase it by the exertion of some courage and +determination. Armed with a book, I calmly walked through the winter +grounds without recognizing any one, sat down in the midst of the whole +society and read for several hours without once looking up.</p> + +<p class="normal">Of course the life-preserver made her appearance and at once approached +my bench, but I coolly told her that talking hurt me; she looked +astonished, shrugged her shoulders, and left me to myself.</p> + +<p class="normal">I saw very well that she was offended. So much the better! If I find no +better occupation I will do this every day; I feel a certain +satisfaction in it. Whilst I sat surrounded by all those tiresome +people, I triumphed in my courage and the victory I had gained in not +having allowed myself to be daunted. Certainly the conflict had made my +heart beat faster, but even courage is not to be learnt in a day. And +then is it not doubly refreshing to read the grave and beautiful words +of our greatest poets, when from the different conversations around, +one picks up words which show what inferior spiritual nourishment +society puts up with.</p> + +<p class="normal">Possibly this may be a proud and over vain thought. But some pride +surely is pardonable in one so isolated. Is it not most presumptuous to +retire within oneself, and be contented with one's own society? Surely +he who prepares for death has a right to think of his soul above all +things, and how is this possible, in the midst of the thoughtless, +soulless noise, commonly called conversation?</p> + +<p class="normal">Already they show me plainly that I am not to their taste. To-day when +I appeared on the Wassermauer, with my book, all the benches were +occupied except one, on which sat only a pale and melancholy looking +young man, who is daily partly led, partly followed by a servant to a +sunny corner of the wintergarden and there sits covered up with costly +furs. Had the ladies, who were talking, and embroidering in the arbours +deigned to move, they certainly could have made room for my slight +person, whose crinoline never molested any one.</p> + +<p class="normal">I saw however that they had resolved to cause me embarrassment. Oh, how +sharp, unamiable, cold, and even inhuman our faces become, when we are +determined to show our dislike to some one of our fellow creatures! I +felt quite frightened at the stony features, dark looks, and drawn down +lips of the company. But soon I was ashamed of my cowardice, and of +having allowed it to be perceived. So I looked as if I saw no hostility +in their countenances and quietly sat down beside the young man, +leaving space enough between us, even for the wide robes of the +countess. I was deeply absorbed in my book, but though I never looked +up, I knew exactly what were the glances they cast at me, and could +have written down the benevolent remarks that were whispered beneath +those arbours. The sick young man hardly moved, only from time to time +he sighed--I pitied him; he appears to be one of the most suffering of +the invalids here, and to bear his illness with difficulty. He must be +rich for I saw a costly ring glittering on his finger.</p> + +<p class="normal">We sat side by side for several hours, and I was on the point of making +some observation to him about the book I was reading merely for the +sake of rousing him from the melancholy thoughts which seemed to +oppress him. Where would have been the harm? But now a days, care is +taken to make us feel ashamed of every natural impulse. So I remained +silent and read on. Suddenly he let a silver pencil-case fall from his +hands, as he was going to write down something in his pocketbook; he +made an effort to stoop, breathing with difficulty and I, without much +hesitation, anticipated him, and picked up the neat little pencil-case. +He thanked me with rather a surprised look: I myself blushed deeply, +and hearing a derisive titter from the ladies' bower, I lost my +composure for a few minutes. I thought with most tormenting +perspicacity of all that would be said of the crime committed by a +young lady in being of use to a young man. What would he think of me? I +had slightly glanced at him and remarked no smile on his melancholy +face. If after this proof of how little worldly knowledge I possess, he +thinks me very countrified, why should that annoy me? If I am contented +to be so, why should I be angry with him for perceiving it? He bowed +very politely, as half an hour later I rose to go. By this time I had +come to an understanding with myself, and felt so composed, that I +returned hi? salutation without the least embarrassment. Even the black +looks of my protectress, who had been immediately taken possession of, +by the other ladies, could not spoil my appetite for dinner.</p> + +<p class="normal">Here comes the soup unfortunately, it is of a lighter colour even than +the fair curls of the charitable lady. What a pity it is, that with the +dying, taste is not the first thing to depart. How I wish for one good +home cooked dish.--</p> +<div style="margin-left:70%; font-size:90%"> +<p class="continue">Evening. The first autumnal winds<br> +carrying with it some poplar leaves.</p> +</div> + +<p class="normal">A letter from our dear old doctor, my best friend. He wants to hear how +I am getting on, how I feel, and how the climate agrees with me. He +reproaches himself for not having hidden the hopeless truth from me; at +the same time he praises my courage and firmness; he does not try to +change or put another construction on his former words; he knows it +would be useless. "Remember, dear Mary," he adds, "that miracles still +happen every day, and that all our science and knowledge only teach us +to marvel at everything or nothing. He is aware that my best comfort is +to know the truth, and to live in the truth as long as life is granted +me."</p> +<div style="margin-left:70%; font-size:90%"> +<p class="continue">Several days later. I have lost the date.<br> +Beautiful autumnal evening.</p> +</div> + +<p class="normal">Here was so much wind in the forenoon that I had to remain in-doors. I +was busy altering my dresses for my chest becomes more and more +delicate and they oppress me. In the afternoon the wind subsided, and I +walked out, down the broad street called Rennweg. Numbers of cows and +goats were driven through it--not a pleasant circumstance attending the +walks here. I tremble every time I see one of those clumsy horned heads +approach me though I know that they are not so stupid as they appear, +and have not such strong prejudices against a lonely female, as my wise +fellow-creatures. It is my bodily weakness which in case of need could +not find shelter behind a stout heart, which leaves me defenceless. So +I kept close to the houses, and arrived safely at the Western gate of +the town from whence the road leads on to the beautiful and sunny +Vintschgau. A path which passes at the foot of the Küchelberg and then +winds through the vineyards tempted me and I slowly walked in that +direction. It pleased me to see the heavy bunches of purple grapes +hanging from the trellis above me, the huge yellow pumpkins, the ripe +maize in short all the riches of a southern autumn. Now and then I met +peasants at work; tubs filled with grapes and carts laden with +vine-leaves passed me. It seemed strange to me that the work was done +so quietly, without music or singing, for I had always fancied the +vintage to be one of the most noisy and brilliant of festivals. The +people of the country are of a lazy pensive disposition and never sing +at their work. If one now and then hears a song it is owing to there +being many Italians here, who are easily recognized by their fiery and +lively gestures.</p> + +<p class="normal">A hundred paces distant from the gate, close under the mountain, lies a +solitary farm. My landlady had told me that there one could get milk +fresh from the cow. As I am not a good walker, I entered the little +garden and ordered some milk and bread. Only a few strangers occupied +the benches, but just beside the door underneath a large orange-tree, +sat the pale young man, whilst his servant further, off, was refreshing +himself with a glass of wine. He had not touched the glass of milk +which stood before him, and as I was going to pass, he rose, bowed, and +offered me a seat at his table, saying that it was the most sheltered +spot. It was the first time I had heard him speak several sentences +together without stopping. His deep sad voice was very pleasing. I +gladly accepted his offer and when he begged me to take his untouched +glass, as he was not thirsty, I could not refuse without giving +offence. Finally we began a conversation, though much broken by pauses, +during which he relapsed into his melancholy dreaming. Only once he +smiled slightly, but it made him look still more sad when his pale lips +parted over the bluish white teeth. We had been talking of the dull +monotony in the life of the patients here; of the tiresome sitting +about in the winter garden. I said it reminded me of the caterpillars +and cocoons which my little brother keeps in glass boxes. These also +crawled about indolent and depressed amongst their food, satisfying +their gaoler by feeding greedily, and eyeing each other curiously when +they accidentally met; then they proceeded to their winter sleep, if by +chance they did not find the air too oppressive for them, and died. He +laughed, and said: "your comparison is much too flattering; do you +think that our fellow-worms ever feel as light and free as <i>they</i> +become, unless in a purer atmosphere than this terrestrial one?" "That +depends," replied I, "on whether, when they proceed safe and sound from +their cocoons, they find their glass cage open. Otherwise they may be +reserved for a still more cruel fate. Few enjoy the liberty of their +wings; they are generally caught again, and struggle on a pin till +their bright colours turn to dust."</p> + +<p class="normal">He remained silent, and I was half sorry for having led the +conversation to so strange a theme; to divert his thoughts, I spoke to +him of the stiff, foolish narrow minded views of my native town, where +in the style of the so-called good old times, every one embitters the +life of his neighbour in the most amicable and ceremonious way. I then +told him how free and released I felt since I knew I was doomed to die. +My fetters had been loosened like the fetters of those who are +sentenced to death. He listened with interest but looked incredulous. +When I had done speaking....</p> + +<p class="dateline">The next day.</p> + +<p class="normal">Yesterday I could not have been interrupted in a more unwelcome manner. +My door suddenly opened and the life-preserver, the sister of charity, +the lady without nerves, rushed into the room with a particularly stern +and solemn countenance which boded no good. Without taking breath after +running up the stairs, she sat down, spread her skirts over my sofa, +and without any circumlocution began to lecture me. Possibly she may be +of use where bodily nursing is required, but for spiritual care she +certainly has no vocation. A more clumsy way of touching on delicate +subjects I have not yet met with, and I have certainly not been spoiled +in that respect. I was informed that I had been guilty of great sins, +and could only make atonement for them by deep contrition. The +unaccountable whims of a sick person might, perhaps, excuse the +highflown manner with which I had received the friendly advances of +many estimable ladies, and the way in which I had withdrawn from their +company. But I had dared too in the face of all society to make +advances to a young man, and yesterday had gone so far as to accept his +glass of milk, and his company on my way home. She had never heard of +such a thing. A girl without the least education but with a sense of +decency and a proper regard for her reputation would never have thought +of doing so. After these occurrences she would certainly never have set +foot over my threshold again, had not conscience, and her good nature +bidden her warn me. I was alone here, and had no one to look after me +if I went astray. That young man did not enjoy a good reputation; his +illness was the consequence of a dissipated and reckless life which he +had now to expiate by an early death. If so near to the grave, he was +still so unscrupulous as to compromise a young creature like myself, +then all persons who had any regard for morality must condemn his +outrageous conduct, and endeavour to save his victim.</p> + +<p class="normal">During this speech I remained petrified, and my heart beat so violently +that I could not utter a word; but when she stopped and cast a severe +look at me, the convicted sinner, I rallied all my remaining spirit and +answered that I thanked her for her solicitude, and did not at all +doubt her good intentions, but that I did not think I had committed any +impropriety--still less had gone astray--that I did not believe my +reputation to be in any danger. I knew what I could, or could not do, +and would be responsible for it. I did not see why the fact of having +one foot in the grave obliged one to give an account to the world of +every free but innocent action, particularly as even that would not +protect one against its malignant judgments. I had not come to Meran, I +continued, in order to ingratiate myself with a society entirely +strange to me, but to spend my last days in the manner most agreeable +to me, and most in accordance with my nature. You must allow me, my +dear Madam, I concluded, not to be led by considerations which, +perhaps, may be useful to others. When I had delivered this speech I +felt quite startled at my own boldness yet I was pleased with myself. +This I thought will at all events make an end of it; and so it was; at +least, I hope so, for my protectress rose with a dignified look which +sat oddly on, her round face adorned with the little ringlets and said: +"Good-bye, Mademoiselle, you are so independent that it would be +indiscreet in me to prolong my visit," and with these words she sailed +out of the room. So I had at last got rid of her, but not of her +sayings, nor of my thoughts. Oh, the sad cold littleness of the world! +Is there no spot on earth where a poor human being may be permitted to +die after its own fashion? Is one to go tightly laced even to one's +last breath? No, they shall not get the better of me; I do not love +them, then why should I not despise them; or at least not notice them +when they cross my path? Possibly I may have been thoughtless, but +thoughtfulness requires time, and I have not much to spare. Certainly +if I had to live with these people for an immeasurable time, it might +be prudent not to exasperate them, and to bow before them--prudent, but +annoying, and in my opinion, hardly worth the while. What harm could +they do to me; at the worst they would leave me alone, and could they +do me a greater favour? She said that he had caused his own sufferings. +Is he for that less worthy of compassion? Perhaps, the remorse he feels +is the cause of his melancholy, as the consciousness of my undeserved +fate is the cause of my gaiety. Each of us has lived a different life, +and has now to resign it. I have nothing to repent of, and nothing to +regret; he does both, and so each of us dies a different death.</p> + +<p class="normal">Why should it be a crime to exchange a few unconstrained words? Do not +people who have set out together on a long journey fraternize, and +become friends at the first station? Are they then to be blamed if they +exchange a few words before starting.</p> + +<p class="dateline">Monday, the 21st October.</p> + +<p class="normal">I spent my Sunday at home in writing, and reading the letters of +Mendelssohn's youth, which in my opinion show his character to much +greater advantage than his other writings. They convince me still more +that even a complete and free man of genius can work earnestly at his +own improvement. If I were a man, I should only care to be an artist. +This seems an extravagant idea; for those not endowed with talents +perceive only the outward freedom of the existence of a genius, and not +the anxieties and labours of his vocation. But in some of the +attributes of an artist's nature, in the power of desiring freedom, and +of maintaining it, in enthusiasm for noble deeds, and in admiration for +all that is beautiful, I should not be found wanting, and armed with +these weapons could pass a lifetime in waging war against petty +formalists and pedants.</p> + +<p class="normal">But of what use are all these to me, a girl, with death before me. +Well, at all events they will teach me to die calmly.</p> + +<p class="normal">Mendelssohn's letters have awakened in me a longing for music. I hope I +have not been extravagant in hiring a small piano. This morning it was +brought to me, and now stands In my room. I have not played for a long +time, and after reading Mendelssohn's letters felt quite ashamed of +stumbling through his songs without words. I must purchase some sonatas +and study them. I confess that at the first notes of music I burst into +tears. The last conversation has left in me a wound which bled afresh, +as the first sound of music reached my heart after so many weeks +privation. I let my tears flow freely, and played on till I grew calm +again.</p> + +<p class="dateline">"The 22nd."</p> + +<p class="normal">I have seen him again. I had avoided him these last days. Though I am +quite determined to go my own way; still they have succeeded in robbing +me of my first unconstraint. But to-day I met him at the bookseller's +shop, where I was looking out some music. He asked me if I had felt +unwell, as I had not appeared on the Wassermauer. I blushed and +replied, "no, but I had not felt inclined to walk there." Then we +talked about music which he greatly likes. "Once I was in possession of +a voice," he said, smiling; "but it has departed this life before me." +As we came out of the shop I at first wished to bid him adieu, and walk +home alone. Then I felt ashamed of my cowardice, and walked on with him +to the gate which leads on to the Wassermauer. The day was lovely, and +the promenaders walked about with their cloaks on their arms. Only a +few yellow leaves reminded one of October. As we followed the course of +the Passer and passed the benches occupied by the so-called good +society, I was pleased, and happy to feel so much at ease. I tried to +cheer him up and when I had succeeded in making him laugh I applauded +my own spirit which was not to be daunted. I said to myself, "Does it +please you my good people to put on disdainful looks, and to wrap +yourselves up in your own virtue, as much as it does me to see this +pale face, on which death has already cast its shadow, light up with +the serenity of an evening sky." We walked up and down for a whole hour, +and I did not feel in the least tired. This time I closely examined his +countenance. Whatever lies behind him, it can be nothing base or mean. +His features are neither regular nor can they be called expressive, but +when he speaks there is something refined and thoughtful about his face +which becomes him well. He cannot be more than twenty-six years old. +His manners are easy, and natural, and plainly show that he has mixed +in the best society. I, with my provincial style of dress, and little +knowledge of the world, must contrast strangely with him.</p> + +<p class="normal">I have looked over the book of strangers trying to find out his name; +<i>before</i>, I only knew where he lived; I have now discovered that he can +be none other than a Mr. Morrik <i>Particulier</i> from Vienna. What an odd +position! probably it means independent. Then I am a <i>Particulière</i> +with more right to be so than he has. He is dependent on many things; +on his fortune, on his melancholy thoughts--on his servant, who carries +his cloak and furs for him.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 23rd.</p> + +<p class="normal">Last night I dreamt much, and very reflective dreams. In one of them, I +again met Halding, who for years has never troubled my thoughts. I +spoke to him as indifferently as ever, and asked after his wife and +children. I was glad to hear that they were very well. Then still in my +dream, I considered what would have been my lot, had I accepted his +hand. I should now be established in America, in a fine house, and have +riches and health, for I should not have passed through the sufferings +of the last years, in my father's house--I should not be thinking of +dying. I thought over all this, as I saw the red cheeked wife, who had +so soon consoled him after my refusal--I shuddered at the idea of such +happiness. This may appear foolish, full of pretension, and +ingratitude. What fault could I find in him except that I did not love +him. Many people found him most amiable, and I thought him even too +much so, for a man. As a woman he would have made the best, most +docile, and virtuous of wives, but just for that reason would, as a +husband have made me most wretched. More than once I have been given to +understand that my character was too determined and energetic for a +girl. Did not the long lecture of the life preserver tend to show me +how deficient I was in feminine timidity and reserve. If this be true +the fault lies with my destiny, which threw me early in life on my own +resources, and made me independent. One to whom the world and life +makes advances may well await its approach but one who must confront +its struggles, cannot do without reliance on God, and on himself. If I +required any proof that no unwomanly boldness, no desire of dominating +lies in my character, I would find it in my dislike to womanish men, +who must lean for support on a wife; and towards manly women who only +find their happiness in ruling.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 26th.</p> + +<p class="normal">A few quiet and uniform days have passed. I felt very languid and +disinclined to everything and I remained at home, as the change from +the hot sunshine to the dark arcades always hurts me. I read, and +played a few sonatas, and felt that even solitude brings many heavy +hours with it.</p> + +<p class="normal">To-day I walked out and the first person I met was Mr. Morrik, as he +really is called--I heard an acquaintance address him by that name. We +sat for a long time together on a bench amidst the evergreen shrubs in +the winter garden for underneath the poplars the air is now getting too +sharp. Society seems to have reconciled itself to the unpardonable and +unheard of crime, committed by two candidates for death, in talking to +each other, and no longer disturbs us. So to-day we had a remarkable +conversation. It began, instead of ending, as such conversations when +they are earnest and agitated are apt to do, by the utterance of the +most hidden thoughts which are usually kept back, till, after having +turned over different questions, they suddenly break forth in the +ardour of the contest. It was not the first time that I experienced in +myself a habit of thinking aloud. To my own great astonishment I, this +time suddenly took heart, and poured forth my most hidden and unavowed +thoughts and feelings; so that when the words, I was uttering struck my +ear I felt quite frightened at my audacity in harbouring such strange +ideas, and still more in delivering them to a stranger. It sometimes +really appears to me as if I had two characters within me--the one +spirited, out spoken, and clever, and this one seldom shews itself--the +other, silly and girlishly shy, which sits by in fear and trembling +when the other speaks, and cannot muster courage to interrupt it. I +forget what gave rise to this conversation. I only remember that before +I knew what I was saying I found myself in the midst of an eager, and +passionate sermon. The subject I treated was "the fear of death," which +is so plainly written in many faces around us, and also in his pale +quiet features. I have now forgotten the greatest part of my lecture, +though as the words flowed from my tongue it pleased me much and seemed +to me impossible to be refuted. I only remember that the text of my +sermon were the words of Goethe: "For I was made man, and that means, +that I have striven"----etc. "Why then if we are all combatants," I +began, "Who sooner or later must perish beside their colours, why +should it be a disgrace to those only who bear arms by profession to +meet death with cowardice; why should it not also be considered +repugnant to the esprit de corps, and the honour of humanity in +general, to cling to life with groanings and lamentations when danger +approaches. Soldiers who slink away on the eve of a battle are brought +back dishonoured and disgraced, and are thought too despicable to be +allowed to fight in the ranks of the brave. Why should a dying man who +prays for a respite of days, and hours, and even minutes, not forfeit +our sympathy and obtain only a little pity for his weakness?" So it was +I spoke. I felt like an old trooper who exhorts his men before they +commence the assault on an entrenchment. I believe that at that moment, +if the whole of the society had gathered around me to listen, my ardour +would only have increased. In the midst of my harangue, I cast a look +over the beautiful landscape which lay bathed in sunshine and it seemed +to inquire of me whether it were so very contemptible not to close +ones' eyes readily on all we have learnt to love, when we do not know, +when and how they will open again or whether they will like the change. +But this mute interrogation did not disconcert me; I had an answer all +ready; so I continued: "What you have once enjoyed is yours for ever. +What has time to do with our immortal soul? and if the soul be +immortal, will not the best part of our life, our love, all that we +have striven, and yearned for be purified and increased, and remain +ours for ever. And how few really happy sensations do we owe to that +which we shall leave here below. How many delusions cling to our +dearest friendships, must cling to them for in the midst of our +enjoyment we feel restless, and dissatisfied! Then why not leave with a +serene countenance this dreary world, where the brightest light throws +the darkest shade?"--I could have talked on for ever, had not a +vehement fit of coughing cut short my power of speech. Then only did I +consider what effect all this might have on my silent and melancholy +companion and whether it would not have been better to wait till our +acquaintance had ripened somewhat, before I displayed my small +knowledge of life and death. That which was a specific for me, his +nature might not be strong enough to bear, and then what good would it +do him? Should I not appear to him as hard and obtrusive as the lady +without nerves had appeared to me. Had I the least right to force my +aid and advice on him? However the words had been said and could not be +recalled. He remained buried in thought for full ten minutes, and left +me time to reproach myself bitterly. Then he began in a grave and +affectionate tone to dispel my fears. He said that he agreed to every +word I had spoken, and that as he took a great interest in me, it +pleased him to see me meet my fate so well armed, and with so much +fortitude; but that human destinies were different. "It is unjust," he +continued, "to expect from the sick the same strength and courage, +which we justly demand in a troop of active and healthy men. Do you not +believe that in a soldier who camps in the snow and marches twelve +hours a day, the body and blood which he stakes when he hazards his +life, and limbs must be of a more vigorous nature than those of the +poor wounded man who from the hospital hears the report of the cannon +and shudders. And is he for that to be despised? But there is another +difference which a girl cannot well understand. A man who has any +knowledge of life must perceive that his destiny is not merely to enjoy +himself, but that he has a task to perform, duties to fulfil. Do not +you think that it must be painful to have to leave the world without +having even begun this task? You must not forget this difference +Mademoiselle: The soldier fulfils his duty in dying: every other man in +living except his death be a sacrifice or an example to others. How can +he who has hitherto only lived to neglect his duty die without feeling +his death to be a new fault, a new faithlessness. We have exchanged so +many confessions," he went on, "that it would be foolish to keep back, +one, which to be sure is wholly personal and may not interest you. To +judge from the opinions you have expressed you seem to think that my +gloomy and unhappy humour is the consequence of an unmanly despair at +the prospect of certain death. Perhaps you will be inclined to think +more favourably of me when I tell you that my illness has taught me to +look upon a life of vain amusements, caring and cared for by nobody, a +life of pure selfishness as unworthy of the exercise of great medical +skill, and of the benefit of this much lauded climate. The past would +not hinder me from dying calmly--it was an empty life nothing worse. It +is the future which I had hoped to conquer just when it was too late; +wisdom came but strength left me. It is that gnaws at my heart and +makes it impossible for me to leave life with the same cheerfulness +that you do. Believe me I was not worse than the best of my equals. I +spent my youth in idleness, gambling, travelling and such trifles and +fancied as long as my father lived that it was a life suitable to my +station, and this was also his opinion. I took great pleasure in the +intellectual amusements as they are called. I was present at the début +of every actor singer and musical composer. I collected fine pictures, +cultivated music and took a part in any amateur quartett, and that not +badly either. Suddenly my father died and his property, his fortune, +his political obligations, and connections were left without a head. +Nobody had dreamt of so sudden an end. Now it was my turn, now I had to +advance to the front and to take an oar, and just at that time +strength, and power to act were taken from me. How this happened and +how much or how little the fault lies with me is not to the purpose. +Let us suppose that this misfortune was not caused by any fault of +mine, but that it came upon me as the stone falls from the roof. Do you +not allow that my feelings on looking at the past may well be different +from yours? and so are the feelings with which I view the future." I +was on the point of answering, <i>what</i>, I hardly know, probably it was +to ask his pardon for my hasty condemnation, when I was prevented by an +old woman who offered roses for sale. He took a bunch and gave her a +florin in silver which she held in her hand, and looked at with +astonishment, as here one only meets with dirty torn paper money. He +made a sign to her, that it was all right and laid the bouquet on the +bench between us. A gentleman then approached, and spoke to him. He +rose without taking leave, but did not return to me. Soon after I +walked away leaving the bouquet on the bench. Now I regret it. What +crime have these poor roses committed that I should grudge them even a +short reprieve in a glass of water.</p> + +<p class="dateline">Evening.</p> + +<p class="normal">I went out again, and as I must confess, only to fetch the roses. It +seemed to me like a wrong towards living beings, to leave them to +wither on the bench. I found them untouched, and now they stand fresh +and flagrant outside my window. I had to place them there, for the +nights are now so cool, that I dare not leave the window open. I will +now read to quiet my agitated thoughts. The roses have brought back to +my mind the epitaph on the tombstone:</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<p class="t4">So the early fading of the rose<br> +Is to be envied: it is repose?</p> +</div> + +<p class="normal">This sign of interrogation has slipped from my pen and I cannot make up +my mind to strike it out. Truly, it is a question, whether a poor human +creature has a right to envy his fellow men for anything, even for +death.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 29th</p> + +<p class="normal">To-day is my birthday; I formerly never took any notice of it, and did +not expect others to do so. This one however as it is my last one on +earth, I resolved to honour and solemnize as much as I could. Quite +early in the morning I summoned the little girls of my landlord and +gave each of them a dress I had made for them, a cake and a kiss. Then +I walked out though the day was chilly and without sunshine.</p> + +<p class="normal">On the stairs I met Mr. Morrik's servant, who came to ask if I were +unwell, as I had not appeared on the Wassermauer for several days. I +felt pleased that some one inquired for me. After the recent +conversation in the wintergarden I appeared to myself so unamiable, +that I did not think it possible that any one should care whether I +lived or died.</p> + +<p class="normal">I walked up and down for some time underneath the arcades, for the rain +swept through the narrow streets, and it was disagreeable to be out +there, as a piercing wind which they call here the Jaufenwind had +arisen, and though the Küchelberg kept it off in some degree still it +now and then blew in gusts round the corner. I felt so dull and +unemployed, so dreary, that by way of pastime, I bought some figs and +peaches and ate them. I soon felt, that in this cold weather, I had not +done wisely, but made bad worse by sitting down beside a woman who was +roasting chesnuts, and eating some of these to warm me, and thereby +only succeeded in nearly making myself ill.</p> + +<p class="normal">So this is my holiday! It serves me quite right; How can an unemployed +person think of holiday making. "Sour workdays, sweet holidays," that +is a different thing. More and more clearly I see that he was right, +and that I was not only wrong, but have wronged him. It is only the +heartless and selfish who would not feel regret at being called away +from this life without having done any good in it. He was very kind and +forbearing in trying to find a difference between his position and +mine. Have we not all of us duties? Did not my mother fulfil hers till +her last breath? And here am I happy in my unprofitable solitude, and +joyful as a child who has shirked school.</p> + +<p class="normal">Here are letters from my father, and little Ernest. Birthday +congratulations. I will read them out of doors. The Jaufenwind has +cleared the sky, and the sun shines so warmly that I can no longer +stand the heat of the stove, and have to open both windows.</p> + +<p class="dateline">In the Afternoon.</p> + +<p class="normal">This day has after all been celebrated; by a reconciliation which +consisted in a second dispute. As the unexpected sunshine brought every +living creature out into the wintergrounds, I walked on from the +Wassermauer towards the west, till I reached the spot where the Passer +flows into the Adige. There I saw at a distance Mr. Morrik sitting on +the trunk of a tree in the sunshine, with his servant at his side. He +observed me also, and rose to meet me. I was much embarrassed, for it +seemed as if I had come in search of him; however it was too late to +turn back; and why should I have done so? Was it not true that I was +pleased to see him, and wished to speak to him. I owed him the +satisfaction of telling him that he had converted me, and that all my +death defying wisdom appeared to me now like the delirium of fever. I +could hardly wait till an opportunity presented itself of confessing +this to him, and so I almost started when he anticipated me by calling +out: "How happy I am to see you! You will wonder at the miracle you +have performed on me. During your heartfelt speech I felt what a deep +impression it made on me; but like the rest of the world though I saw I +was wrong I did not like to acknowledge it, and so I supported my cause +as well as I could. We have not met since then, and in the meanwhile I +had time to recall it to my thoughts, and after a few hours +consideration, I felt I was completely changed and could have sworn +never to desert the colours you carried so valiantly before me."</p> + +<p class="normal">"What will you say," I replied despondingly, "when you hear that I +myself have turned traitor?" "Impossible," he exclaimed, laughing--and +it was the first time I had seen him, not only smile, but laugh +heartily--"and so even you are affected by human weaknesses; but beware +of me, for I will bring back the deserter, willing or unwilling; not to +pass sentence on him, but to entrust to him again the standard under +which I will conquer or die."</p> + +<p class="normal">There now arose an absurd contest between us, each defending the very +point he had vehemently disputed a few days ago, and trying to +depreciate his former opinion as much as possible. "You must confess," +he at last exclaimed, "that in whichever way the wisdom of a Daniel +might theoretically settle our dispute, my opinion, I mean your former +one, is by far the most advantageous. Since my conversion to it, I feel +reconciled to Providence, to the world, and even to myself, as--yes, as +you were before you were led astray by me. Now, although my position, +my sufferings and the few pleasures left to me are the same, they +appear to me tinged with fresh and glowing hues, instead of the dull +grey which shrouded them before. I look on the past as I did then; but +can I win back what I have lost by losing also that which remains to +me? You were so right in saying: in every minute, we can live a whole +life. How many minutes, nay days, weeks, perhaps months still lie +before me, and shall I not employ them? That which I had intended to do +is not of such great importance after all. Humanity will not be much +affected by its failure; but even had it been of the utmost importance, +nothing can now be altered. I cannot go back. I can only advance and +should there be some task for me to perform in the next world, I shall +be better prepared for it by courage and confidence than by the useless +despair of which I now feel heartily ashamed, before you, and should be +still more so if you had not left your position, high above the rest of +mankind, and had shown no human weakness."</p> + +<p class="normal">I can only write down dryly all that I remember of what he said; but +when he himself utters his thoughts there is so much cleverness, +originality and wit in them that they refresh the mind, like the +inhaling of vivifying salt, and never leave a bitter taste behind.</p> + +<p class="normal">It was a delightful hour. Had we been two men, or two women, we would +have shaken hands at parting and have fraternized on the spot. We have +now agreed to meet daily on the Wassermauer; we still think differently +on several points and have not much time to decide them.</p> + +<p class="normal">The letters from home have also pleased me. Ernest is quite impatient +at not seeing me for so long. The poor little fellow does not know how +long it will be before we meet. Meanwhile it has grown dark. I will +have some music and so close the day harmoniously.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 3rd November.</p> + +<p class="normal">Pleasant days are rare guests in this world. Since I last wrote we have +only met twice. The day before yesterday the weather was damp and +foggy. I walked in the wintergarden, but he was nowhere to be seen. I +only perceived the malicious inquisitive face of the young lady who +always takes a seat close to Mr. Morrik and me, hoping to hear some of +our conversation. The life preserver also arrived, and looked at me +severely from head to foot, as I passed before and I heard her say to a +lady who sat beside her, intending it for me: "That poor young man; how +he has to suffer for talking so much." I shuddered and was very nearly +going up to the uncharitable sister, in spite of what had passed +between us, to ask her for news of him. Fortunately he sent his servant +in the afternoon, to tell me that he was confined to his room by the +cold weather--it had snowed during the night--and that I ought to take +great care of myself as the transition from autumn to winter was very +dangerous. In spite of this I went out both yesterday and to-day with +the hope of seeing him, but in vain. When two people are isolated among +the rest, how soon they grow accustomed to each other's society! He has +no acquaintances here except the doctor, whom he greatly likes. I +sometimes feel inclined to consult this doctor--not to hear anything +about myself, I know enough of that; but to hear if he really is doomed +or only fancies himself so.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 5th--Evening.</p> + +<p class="normal">The wind has changed and now a sirocco is blowing. The whole country of +the Adige is covered with fog, a warm soft rain drizzles against the +window panes. The poplars have lost so much of their foliage that I can +easily trace the outline of the beautiful peak of the Mendola. The +vineyards are autumnally bare, the cattle are now sheltered in the +stables, everything is prepared for winter, and I am heartily glad of a +warm nook. My father writes of much snow and cold, whilst here the +southern wind still brings an Italian warmth with it, and in the little +garden below my windows, the roses bloom as gaily as if they were quite +certain that the snow would never descend from the top of the Muth to +the village of Tirol--still less reside on the Wassermauer.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 6th--Morning.</p> + +<p class="normal">The roses really seem to be right. The most beautiful sunshine awoke +me; the stove shall enjoy a holiday. The green meadows in the lower +part of the country are as bright as in May. Half an hour ago I +received a note from Morrik saying that he wished to take advantage of +the fine day, and enjoy a ride over the nearest hills as walking was +forbidden him and he asked me if I would accept his company, and join +him. In that case he would fetch me at ten o'clock with the mules. I +wrote to him without much deliberation that I would be very happy to do +so. Now when I think of it....</p> + +<p class="dateline">In the Evening.</p> + +<p class="normal">Fortunately I had no time to think over it, or I should probably have +thought many foolish and superfluous things. My landlady came to +announce that the gentleman was waiting for me below, and at the same +moment his servant entered to carry down my plaid and bag, so I had to +hurry away. He had dismounted when I came down, and the pleasure of +seeing him again, after so long a time, looking tolerably well and +cheerful, the mild clear day, the view, and the prospect of a pleasant +ride helped me to overcome my childish embarrassment. Society had at +last got accustomed to see us talk together whilst walking, why should +we not also do so on mules. So we rode gaily through the Laubengasse, +and over the bridge, where to be sure the whole company of strangers +rushed to the railings of the wintergarden, and followed us with their +kind looks and remarks. On the other side of the bridge, the road turns +to the left and ascends the hilly streets of the cheerful village of +Obermais. We soon found ourselves among the leafless vineyards, and in +trotting past the houses, saw the grapes pressed in large tubs, and +barrels filled with their juice, and under the bare trellises, +preparations for next year's harvest. One can hardly imagine anything +more picturesque looking than one of those tall fine looking young +peasants ploughing underneath these bowers with their strong grey oxen, +or as in that beautiful picture of Robert's, resting his cattle while +he leans on the pole between them. The whole surrounded by a frame of +trellis work, which here supports the vine in the form of a vaulted +arcade. They all left their work when we passed--I rode in front on a +very quiet animal, led by the guide; Morrik just behind me, so that we +could exchange the expressions of our delight at all these beauties of +nature, and his servant brought up the rear.</p> + +<p class="normal">When we had mounted somewhat higher, I involuntarily stopped; the view +was so wonderfully beautiful. The entire valley of the Adige lay far +beneath us, the river glittered between meadows and sands, and the more +distant mountains encircled the whole with their clear and beautiful +outline. But how can words describe a scene which the brush of the most +able painter could not do justice to. Neither of us spoke, we remained +in silent awe, and could only marvel. Had not the mules become +impatient, who can say whether we should not be on the same spot still. +My docile bay who was more sagacious than he looked, pondered, and +shook his head with the conspicuous ears, over the folly of mankind in +stopping where no fodder was to be seen: so he moved on slowly to +supply our want of judgement, and the others followed. We left to our +right a beautiful castle belonging to Count Trautmannsdorf, and the +little church of St. Valentine, which stands quite isolated in a +sheltered valley. Our way then again turned to the north over a hill +which rises at the foot of the Ifinger, whose snowy summit towered in +the clear autumnal sky. The whole ridge of the hill is covered with +solitary farms, intermingled with old castles that are now chiefly +inhabited by rich wine growing peasants who, during the summer months, +lodge invalid strangers. I have forgotten the names of most of them, +only one of them I remember, the castle of Rubein. There in front of +the old battlements stand tall slender cypresses, like guardians round +an old sarcophagus and contrast by their sombre hue with the green and +yellow foliage of the vine. We took a hasty survey of the courtyard. +The small open gallery supported by pillars, the steep stairs, +which lead up to it, and in the comer the old, and now nearly bare +walnut-tree round which myriads of birds were fluttering and singing, +so that it seemed as if they had enjoyed too much of their grape harvest +and were now intoxicated and overmerry. I could fill pages with a +description of the beauties of these heights. Further on, towards the +valley of Passeir, the road gently ascends underneath noble chesnut and +walnut-trees, and the view opens out to the Küchelberg, and my dear old +Zenoburg, till it rests on the high projecting village of Schönna with +its old castle.</p> + +<p class="normal">When we arrived it was just noon. We were both tired by our long ride, +hungry and silent. The sights in which we had revelled still occupied +our thoughts, and here again our eyes hardly sufficed to enjoy the view +which extended far and near from every window. I entered the tap-room, +whilst Morrik talked to the landlord outside, and sat quietly in the +dusk for a while with closed eyes endeavouring to recover my calmness.</p> + +<p class="normal">The room had a projecting bay window which formed a sort of recess, +where sat, as a hasty glance when I entered had shown me, a young +peasant, and a girl with their dinner and wine before them. They seemed +to notice me as little as I did them. Morrik then came in, and sat down +at a table beside me. He appeared more cheerful than usual, but also +looked paler, as if the air had fatigued him. We talked about +indifferent subjects. Suddenly the young peasant rose from his seat in +the window, and with a full glass of wine in his hand, approached our +table. "With your permission," he said, "the gentleman won't object to +my drinking the health of this lady, as we are old acquaintances." Then +he took a sip, looked at me over the edge of his glass, and gave it to +me to drink from. I took the glass, but looked at him rather puzzled. +He seemed quite unknown to me, and appeared to be flushed with wine, +and in a waggish humour, so that I was really frightened.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Well, well," he said, as I was silent, and Morrik gave him no +encouragement; the hat of a Saltner, and a beard of three months' +standing certainly give a fellow somewhat more of a diabolical look +than his holiday clothes. But if I did not seem appalling to her then, +there is still less danger of it now, particularly as her brother, or +her sweetheart....</p> + +<p class="normal">"Natz," the girl interrupted, "what nonsense you are talking. The young +lady does not look as if she felt a great horror of you, but to drink +wine is forbidden to those who are ill; is it not so your honour? +Ignatzius has a notion that no one can live without wine. Oh what a +wild fellow he is! I have been begging and entreating him for a whole +hour to come away. We are going down to Meran for our pledge, you +understand, our betrothal; but there he will sit, sit till night comes +on, and when the wine is well up, forsooth, a pretty figure we shall +make before the deacon. Do persuade him to come away my lady----"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Heigh-ho what's this!" exclaimed the young fellow, whom I at last +recognized as my friend of the Zenoburg, "don't you see Liesi that this +gentleman and lady are in no hurry either? What do you say to that, +sir? she already takes the reins; the women are always in a hurry to +get the men into their power. A smart fellow often pauses on this road +and drinks his last bachelor's bottle with all the more relish. In +other respects," he continued, casting a proud and merry glance +at her, "I cannot complain; she is a tightly built lass, and has her +senses about her; and certainly she has not been picked up on the +highways--Only this setting down, and domineering, that is an +affliction to be sure; but even the strongest and most determined +fellow must submit to it--How have you fared?" turning to Morrik, the +lady here is very nice, and I would not mind changing with you, but +then there would be an end of playing the master of the house, "well +every one has some burden to carry."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Ignatz," I said, for Morrik still continued silent, and I feared he +would set the young fellow down, whose tongue the wine had loosened, +somewhat ungently, "this gentleman is neither my sweetheart nor my +brother. We are both of us strangers here; who only had agreed to make +this excursion together. You talk about commanding but that demands +strength. A poor woman who will be buried before the spring arrives, +neither has spirit nor inclination for it. And now go with your Liesi +to Meran to the priest, and don't let it be said of you that you did +not know what you were doing when you gave her your promise."</p> + +<p class="normal">The girl who was fresh and blooming, and had a frank and intelligent +countenance, now also rose and took the young man by the arm.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Thank you, young lady," she said, "for helping me to get off with this +fellow. Say God speed, to the gentleman and lady, Natzi, and then come +along; and I hope ma'am that you will change your mind about dying. I +was a servant girl in one of the lodging-houses down at Meran during +two winters, and know many a one who quite recovered after having +ordered his coffin, and many a one who thought he was breathing his +last breath, afterwards climbed to the top of the Muth. The air of +Meran is so fine that I should not wonder if it woke up the dead. But +now goodbye your honours, or this one here, will go to sleep on the +spot where he is standing."</p> + +<p class="normal">There really seemed some danger of this for he stood leaning against +the table, and vacantly stared at the floor. He nodded dreamily towards +us, and willingly let himself be led out.</p> + +<p class="normal">I cannot deny that the whole scene had made a painful impression on me. +It did not exactly show the young fellow to disadvantage, but his talk +of which I have given the main part without his strong expressions had +vexed me. Morrik did not seem much edified either by this encounter. +The landlady who brought in our dinner, also asked importunate +questions, and so did not improve our humour. Moreover the air was +heavy in the low room and the smoke from the kitchen penetrated into +it. The cooking too was bad, so we were glad to have done with it and +to breathe again the fresh air. We walked slowly along the narrow paths +among the picturesque farms, talking little. My cheerfulness however +soon returned. "Are you not well?" I asked, as he pensively walked +beside me. "I cannot complain," he said, "I should feel neither care +nor grief if thoughts did not oppress me."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Perhaps it would relieve you, if you could express your thoughts."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Perhaps it would make it worse. My thoughts would hardly please you."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Your confidence at least would please me."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Even if I should confide to you, that after all, I fear you have too +much confidence in me?" I looked at him enquiringly.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Look here," he continued, "the little you know of me, is perhaps the +best part of me; thence I am persuaded that you think much too highly +of me, and would be disappointed if you heard the judgement which other +people, who to be sure know me still less than you do, have passed upon +me."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Is it not the same with every one of us," I replied, "either we are +judged too highly or undervalued by our fellow creatures. Even our +nearest friends do not always see us in our true light. But shall I for +that lose my faith in the durability of our friendly intercourse, the +term of which is so very short."</p> + +<p class="normal">He smiled sadly. "I have a sure presentiment that you will outlive me; +perhaps for many years. Since I have known you, your health has visibly +improved, and who can tell whether the sentence pronounced on you by +your doctor may not one day be laid aside with the rest of the sayings +which false prophets have recklessly uttered. You shake your head. Well +we will leave the future to decide this question. I carry the sure +tokens of death too plainly within me to mistake them. So it causes me +much deliberation whether I am not wronging you, in enjoying your +society, your conversation, may I say your friendship? without heeding +the injury your kindness may do you. You are so far above many things, +which, in spite of their meanness, are all powerful in this world; how +strong and cruel that power is, I myself have painfully experienced. +Lest you should feel hurt at a man's reminding you of the prejudices +and opinions which usually have more influence with women, and which +hitherto, in our friendly intercourse, we have despised, you must know +that I should not be here, not be ill, not be dying if I had been more +careful of the judgement of others and of the light, or rather shade +which I throw on all with whom I associate."</p> + +<p class="normal">We had seated ourselves on a stone, close by the roadside, and covered +with moss and ivy from whence we could see the beautiful mountain peaks +and the sloping heights of the Passer through the branches of the +chesnut-trees.</p> + +<p class="normal">Children on their way to school surrounded us at some distance, +peasants passed, and cows were led to the fountain. He did not heed +them, but continued in a low voice: "Perhaps you do not know, dear +Marie, how much an independent position influences our nature for good +or for evil. It is now useless to moralize on the subject, but one +thing to be observed, is, that a man who is not restrained by any tie +is very apt to despise those who are bound by considerations, or +prejudices. I have already told you that I was better than my +reputation. As I could easily dispense with the assistance, protection, +and good-will of my fellow-creatures, I thought I could also dispense +with their good opinion, and only laughed when the <i>homemade</i> people, +as I used to call them, painted my character in darker colours than it +really deserved. They envy me my freedom, I often said. As I am not +dependent on them for anything, they want me at least to bow down +before their moral tribunal. What would freedom be worth if it did not +teach us to depend on ourselves and the voice of our conscience alone? +So I went my way, and let them talk. Every path in life leads past +human habitations, and whoever seeks admission into these must steady +his steps that he may not be suspected of being a vagabond or a +drunkard, and no peaceful citizen will let such a one cross his +threshold. I will not give you a long history--to be brief; I made the +acquaintance of a most amiable girl--perhaps, it was for the first +time, that I felt warm friendship, and inspired it. The young lady had +been engaged for several months to an officer whom I had formerly met +in rather light society. At that time he was absent on duty. I am +convinced that I would never have entered the house again, had I felt +anything like love for his betrothed. But as matters stood, I gave +myself up to the charm of this harmless and cordial intercourse, the +more so, that her brother saw no objection to it. The family was +wealthy and much esteemed. Small parties were given in the house, where +dancing, comedies and tableaux-vivants went on, so that many young men +were always assembled there even during the absence of the betrothed, +and his future bride gaily joined in every amusement. Suddenly I +remarked that her brother treated me with coldness and reserve; I was +on the point of asking him the reason of this, when he anticipated me +by writing a polite letter in which he expressed his positive desire +that I should never again enter his parents' house. Of course, we had +an explanation in which I was informed that the officer to whom his +sister was engaged had charged her to break off all intercourse with +me, as I was a man of no principle. Several other circumstances added +to the irritation caused by this unfortunate affair, and though I did +my best to spare my fair friend every sorrow, yet the affair took a +serious turn. The conversation ended in a duel. I shot into a tree, but +the brother whose blood was hotter than mine, grazed my side with his +bullet. It was not much to speak of, but the agitation which I with +difficulty repressed, the cold of the winter morning in which I drove +for several hours in my carriage back to town, and the pain and rage I +felt at seeing this pure and charming tie so foolishly rent asunder, +all this laid me prostrate. I only rose from an inflammatory fever to +be sent here as incurable. And now, dear Marie, you will understand why +I can no longer make light of your innocently walking by the side of a +man supposed to be without principles. I who, at least, have always +adhered firmly to one thing, and that is not to seek my own happiness +at the cost of another's."</p> + +<p class="normal">I had long made up my mind how I should answer him. "If you have +confided all this to me, with the hope of changing my opinion," I said, +"you little know me. It can only confirm me in the belief that I do +well in availing myself of the right of speaking the truth to you. A +right which is only granted to the dying.</p> + +<p class="normal">"All the good I have enjoyed in this life I have had to struggle for. I +so truly prize our mutual friendship that I will not renounce it so +easily. What would friendship be worth, if one had not the courage to +acknowledge, and defend it when attacked. How mean and false, should I +not appear in my own eyes, and in yours, if I changed in my conduct +towards you because bad or silly people accuse you of things which I +know to be untrue. I too depend on no one, in consideration of whom, I +being a girl should subject my feelings against my convictions.</p> + +<p class="normal">"If my father should ever hear that in my last days I had formed a firm +friendship with a stranger, he will only think highly of the stranger +in whom his daughter confided.</p> + +<p class="normal">"So no more of these reflections which ought never to have troubled +you, and we will remain what we were before, good comrades. Is it not +so, my friend?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Till death," he said, and pressed my hand, greatly agitated. I soon +succeeded in cheering him again, and this happy day would have closed +harmoniously, but for an event which to be sure troubled only me. We +rode home early, as the sun so soon sets behind the mountains. Morrik +was very merry, and talked to his mule, jestingly giving it credit for +a sense of the beautiful; he stopped at the farms, and spoke to the +children and their mothers, and as we rode past a white bearded old man +whom we met panting up the hill, he stuck a paper florin in the old +peasant's hat, and was delighted with the thought of what he would say +when a passing acquaintance told him of the strange ornament. So we +reached the bridge by a shorter road, there I saw on a bench a young +Pole whom I had several times noticed, and not in the favourable sense +of the word. I had now and then met him alone, and then he had stared +at me with such a fierce look in his dark eyes that I always hurried +past him. He is evidently one of the most suffering of the strangers +here, and his passionate temper seems constantly to be in revolt +against his fate, and this inward conflict distorts his otherwise +handsome and attractive features. His strange costume, all black, with +high boots, and a fur-cap with white feathers in it, gives him a +striking appearance, which sometimes has haunted me in troubled dreams, +always menacing me with terrible looks. To-day he sat quite quietly, +and did not appear to see me. Morrik was in front as the bridge is so +narrow that two riders cannot cross it side by side, and I had to pass +close to the bench on which he was reclining apparently asleep. +Suddenly he jumped up seized the bridle of my mule, and looked at me +fixedly with piercing eyes; he wanted to speak, but only burst out in a +frantic laugh, so that my mule shied and gave such a start that it +nearly sent me flying over the parapet of the bridge. Before I had +recovered from my astonishment, he had disappeared round a turning of +the road. The guide in a fury sent a curse after him, and I had hardly +time to enforce silence on him, before we reached Morrik, to whom I +would on no account mention this singular adventure until I ascertain +whether there is any mystery concealed under it. I have written too +much, and my pulse is beating feverishly. This night I shall have to +pay for the pleasures of the day. Good night.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 8th November--rain and sirocco.</p> + +<p class="normal">This the second day we have had of this unwholesome air in which no +patient dares to go out. It is a pity. I had anticipated the pleasure +of discussing different subjects with my newly acquired friend, which I +had refrained from doing before we had so cordially shaken hands as +comrades. Now, I must wait patiently. Strange that the solitude which +formerly seemed to me as life itself becomes only the resort of +necessity now that I have associated with a genial and intellectual +mind. I must content myself with my books and music. Every morning he +sends his servant to enquire how I feel. The ride seems to have done +him good, I still feel it in my limbs. I will write home and tell my +father of my new friend; I know it will please him.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 11th November.</p> + +<p class="normal">Now, at last, the southern winter has commenced its mild reign, and +people say that this will continue. Yesterday I again remained out of +doors from two o'clock till sunset with Morrik on the Wassermauer, not +always conversing, as he in compliance with my request brought a book +with him. The poems of Edgar Allen Poe, he showed them to me with a +smile, saying that these were the true expositors of his own feelings +before his regeneration, as he called it. I have taken the book away +with me and have lent him instead "The wisdom of the Brahmins" by my +dear Rückert, of which, however, one can only take in finger-tips at a +time, but every pinch of this snuff, to continue the clumsy simile, +freshens the mind and dispels congestions.</p> + +<p class="normal">"You really have given me a spiritual medicine," Morrik jestingly said, +"I must beg of you to go on prescribing for me, for that desperate +American had quite unsettled me."</p> + +<p class="normal">He told me that people had talked a great deal about our excursion to +Schönna, and looked at me to see if that annoyed me. "Do not let us +please them by noticing it," I answered, "just as we enjoyed the +sunshine without allowing the gnats and flies that buzzed about us, to +spoil our pleasure." We have tacitly agreed never to talk about our +illness, as most people here do, and either make themselves unhappy by +it or find consolation in it, according to the warmth or coldness of +their hearts. But I often perceive that he fancies erroneously that my +health is improving, instead of which I distinctly feel the contrary. +The momentary relief which I experience is just what characterises the +approaching end in this disease. I fancy that I breathe more easily and +move with less effort. I also eat more and sleep well, probably owing +to exhaustion, which increases, though I have the illusive feeling +of more vigour and ease. As I walked home to-day--I dine at three +o'clock--I really felt hungry, but I know how it is with me.</p> + +<p class="normal">To-day there is at Meran besides the usual market one of those large +meat ones that take place in the autumn when the Lauben are transformed +into long rows of butcher's stalls, and butchering goes on in all the +court-yards. On every peg, there hangs the half of a pig or a calf +which is sold to the peasants, who come in great multitudes from the +Vintschgau, Passeier, and Ultner valleys, and from the different farms +in the neighbourhood. Other booths are filled with various merchandize: +ironware, clothes images of saints and numberless trifles. Between +these boothes the people push, press, and jostle, so that if one is not +in danger of one's life, one is at all events nearly suffocated as the +smell of the meat mingles with the fumes of bad tobacco. I have even +seen boys of ten years old walk about with short pipes in their mouths, +and the smoke hangs over the market-place like a heavy fog; the lungs +that can stand it must really be strong as healthy. I nearly fainted. +Those great strong fellows would not stir a step out of my way. +Fortunately my friend of the Küchelberg and his Liese came to my +rescue, just when I most needed it. By plenty of vigorous elbowing he +at last got me safely through those human walls. He was again somewhat +flushed with wine, but he nevertheless appeared to me like a guardian +angel and I easily forgave him the question he jokingly asked me about +my brother or sweetheart. I could not make him understand that the +gentleman was neither the one or the other, though very dear to me.</p> + +<p class="normal">My landlady has just brought me in my afternoon meal. My hunger has +grown so morbid that I cannot wait till supper time. Probably these are +the last figs of this year. Thank heaven that ham and bread are not +restricted to any particular season. What if I played our old doctor +the trick of dying before the spring, and that of starvation!</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 19th November.</p> + +<p class="normal">I can hardly hold my pen, I tremble so with the agitation of this last +hour. How rashly I hoped that the weeks would glide on peaceful, and +full of sunshine like the last one; one day resembling the other. In +the forenoon, those happy hours on the Wassermauer with Morrik; the +remainder of the day, my books, and letters, or my work and my piano, +which I fancy sounds more and more melodious every time I play on it. +And now this occurrence! Moreover I cannot speak of it to any one, and +above all before my friend, before Morrik, I must appear as if nothing +had happened. Is it not all some fearful dream! Has that poor man, I +may say that madman, though he vehemently protested against the +suspicion, really spoken words to me that I could not understand, +accompanied by looks that I shudder to think of, for they seem to me to +have been more expressive than his words. I ought to have listened to +the secret misgivings which warned me against the solitary road on the +Küchelberg, since that scene on the bridge. But I knew that Morrik was +not on the Wassermauer, and did not like to be there without him, +particularly as the band was to play on that day.</p> + +<p class="normal">I had walked on so totally absorbed in my own thoughts that I had +passed through the gate towards Vintschgau before I knew what I was +doing: it is still as warm there as summer is at home, and one may +saunter on through the leafless vineyards and find every now and then a +bench inviting to rest. Where my thoughts were I know not, when +suddenly he seemed to emerge from the ground, and stood by my side +holding my hand. My fright was so great that I could not utter a sound +but I fixed my eyes firmly on his face and saw that he opened his lips +with an effort. He began first in broken German, and then fluently and +vehemently in French, to excuse himself for the scene on the bridge. He +had been blinded by pain and jealousy, and would willingly cut off the +hand that had seized the bridle of my mule, if by so doing he could +obtain my forgiveness. While he spoke I vainly tried to free my hand +from his grasp. I looked around but no one was to be seen, the road was +deserted. This roused my pride, and my courage; I drew back my hand, +and could at last ask him what authorized him to speak in that way to a +stranger. He was silent for some time, and a violent conflict seemed to +rage within him. Every nerve of his face twitched convulsively. What he +at last said I <i>will</i> forget, I listened to it as if it were not +addressed to me. <i>Could</i> it be addressed to <i>me</i>, whom he did not know, +with whom he had never exchanged a word? Is a passion that is roused by +a figure gliding past like a shadow, by one who is inwardly dead, and +only outwardly has a semblance of life; is not that passion but a freak +of madness; and is a madman responsible for the words he utters? Only +when he threatened Morrik, I began to think such an insanity dangerous, +and not merely to be pitied. I do not know what I said to him, but I +saw that it made a deep impression on him. Suddenly he took off his +high black cap with the feathers in it, and stood humbly before me; +"Vous avez raison, Madame," he said in a deep thrilling voice which +before had had a harsh hoarse tone in it. "Pardonnez-moi, j'ai perdu la +tête." Then he bowed and walked across the fields towards the level +part of the country, where I could for some time distinguish his dark +figure moving among the willows.</p> + +<p class="normal">After having written all this, it seems to me that I look upon what has +passed with more calmness; and compassion gets the better of my +indignation. I looked at myself in the glass and could still less +understand it. It will also always remain a mystery to me how such a +scene could take place between two natures one of whom did not feel the +slightest inclination for the other, who on his part made impetuous +attempts to draw near. I know that not only affinities draw characters +towards each other but also contraries; but can indifference also have +that power? The longer I think of it the more clearly I perceive that +his mind must be deranged. I will, after all, mention it to Morrik, for +who can say to what I may not expose myself if I should a second time +encounter this madman, defenceless, and fright should paralyze the +self-possession which I need to subdue him.</p> + +<p class="dateline">Several days later.</p> + +<p class="normal">The pain of mentioning this dreadful encounter to my friend has been +spared me. It would certainly have agitated him, the more so, that he +has been much less cheerful lately, and often walks quite absently +beside me.</p> + +<p class="normal">The poor young man whom I dreaded will never again cross my path. His +clouded mind is now brightened by the light of heaven. This morning +when my landlady came to me, she told me that a young Pole had died in +the night. The description she gave me of his person is exactly that of +the poor madman. A hemorrage had carried him off in the night and he +was found dead in the morning. I now reproach myself with having spoken +too harshly to him, but I had no other weapon than my words. If they +were too sharp and wounded him more deeply than the offence demanded, +the alarm of that moment may excuse me, and the fact that I did not +immediately perceive the state of his mind.</p> + +<p class="dateline">Evening.</p> + +<p class="normal">Tired, agitated, and in conflict with myself.</p> + +<p class="normal">To-day when I met Morrik, I welcomed my dear friend with particular +pleasure, after these last painful days. He told me without laying much +stress on it--for here one is accustomed to the disappearance of some +known face--of the sudden death, and asked me if I remembered the +handsome young man. I said: no, and then felt heavy at heart as though +I had committed some crime. In vain I tried to persuade myself that by +this untruth, I had cut short any further conversation on the subject, +and perhaps the necessity of telling other falsehoods, I cannot get rid +of the painful feeling that I have wronged my friend who has so much +right to hear the truth. I shall again have a bad night, and shall not +be able to rest till I have confessed all to him, and begged his +pardon.</p> +<div style="margin-left:60%; font-size:90%"> +<p class="center">The next day--I believe it to be the 23rd,<br> +cold and foggy.--</p> +</div> +<p class="normal">I am severely punished. The cold prevents his walking out. Now I must +wait patiently till to-morrow comes, or perhaps till the day after. It +has become quite a necessity with me, not to let the least breath of +untruth, or misunderstanding come between us.</p> + +<p class="normal">Edgar Allan Poe with his morbid discontents; his bitter and hopeless +sarcasms, is now congenial to me. There is a frame of mind when wisdom +is repugnant to us, as a bowl of sweet milk is to a man in a fever. +Only that....</p> + +<p class="dateline">Two hours later.</p> + +<p class="normal">Are calm and peace really only words void of meaning in this troubled +world? Cannot even those retain them inwardly who had won them. I begin +to think that I should not be secure from the events, and storms, which +harass my last moments, even were I shut up in a walled in tower, where +the ravens brought me my food through the barred windows. If no other +catastrophe were possible, an earthquake would root up my place of +concealment, and break through the walls, and I should be again cast +out into the world among strangers, whose affection would distress me, +when I had ceased to care for their aversion.</p> + +<p class="normal">A visitor disturbed me this morning; the last person in Meran whom I +should have expected to see in my room! No less a personage than the +Burghermeister of the town. He came to spare me the disagreeable +surprise of a solemn summons, and disclosed to me that he had been +entrusted with a letter for me, and with the testament of the writer, +who names me his sole heiress.</p> + +<p class="normal">I looked helplessly at the Burghermeister. The thought of my father's +death did not occur to me. If this dreadful event were to happen; if I +should lose him before my hour had arrived, at least the pain of +inheriting from him would be spared me. But who in the whole world--?</p> + +<p class="normal">I glanced at the letter which the Burghermeister had with some +hesitation laid on the table, and saw a handwriting that was quite +unknown to me. "I don't know this handwriting," I said wonderingly, +though a sudden misgiving seized me, as I remarked that the direction +was in French. My evident astonishment seemed to relieve him. He +probably had supposed that a more intimate acquaintance had existed +between me, and the writer of the letter, and was prepared for a +painful scene. "Do you wish to read the letter now or later?" he asked. +I opened it at once, and read it with a beating heart but without any +outward show of emotion, at least I believe so. The letter was filled +with the rhapsodies which I had before spurned from me with horror. +They were hardly subdued by the approach of death, though the +unfortunate man must have felt it coming. I have not as yet deciphered +much of it. The indistinct French hand seems to have trembled at every +stroke with violent emotion.</p> + +<p class="normal">But not a word of the legacy; only wretchedness and accusations against +fate which had rent asunder the fetters of passion, instead of +loosening them; confused tumultuous words, and ideas, written in order +to lighten the burden of one heart, and to weigh down the other with +it.</p> + +<p class="normal">When I had laid down the letter, the kindly old gentleman turned to me, +and seemed to ask for an explanation which I could not give. When I had +told him that I was just as much astonished as he was, he departed, +leaving me a copy of the will for further consideration, but he +seriously advised me not to refuse so considerable a property in the +first moment of excitement, though I was of age, and need not consult +the wishes of my father. He would call again in a few days.</p> + +<p class="normal">I will take a walk, I feel as if I could no longer remain in the room +with those papers; as if they impregnated the air with the fever heat +from whence they proceeded. I did not even require to read them a +second time to come to a decision; I--, or the poor of Meran--can there +be a doubt which of us will outlive the other, and will need the +fortune most.</p> + +<p class="dateline">In the Afternoon.</p> + +<p class="normal">Truly this is a disastrous day. I wish it were past. Who can tell what +the evening may bring!</p> + +<p class="normal">I went out with the foolish hope of meeting Morrik, instead of whom, I +encountered all the strange though well known faces in the winter +garden. I can generally now pass them with indifference, but they were +this day again to wound me deeply.</p> + +<p class="normal">I perceived that they laid their heads together and whispered as I went +by. On one of the benches sat the young <i>chronique scandaleuse</i> whom I +have long ceased to bow to, as she tosses her head whenever I come near +her. The place beside her was the only unoccupied one, but hardly had I +sat down, when up she started and moved towards another bench, begging +two ladies to make room for her. The blood rushed to my face but I was +not conquered. At last the life preserver, who had not deigned to +address a word to me for weeks past, rustled into the arbour. This time +her heart was too full; she came up to me and said, so loudly that +every one could hear her, "Well my dear, I suppose we are to +congratulate you. The young Pole has bequeathed to you, his large +fortune. Poor young man! To be sure you always kept him at a great +distance. It is no wonder that he soon died. It is really quite +touching that even after his death he offered his broken heart to you."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You are mistaken," I said. "I have not accepted the legacy which was +only left to me by the error of an unsound mind. But even if it had +been clearly the intention of the deceased to appoint me his heiress, I +would not have accepted it. I am not moved, either by the kindness, or +the malevolence of strangers, but generally turn my back on both." Then +I quietly read on. There was a great silence in the arbour, and I could +hear the quicker breathing of the fat old lady without nerves, as well +as that of the little lady who hates me. I did not take any further +notice of what they whispered and tittered around me, only I several +times distinguished the name of Morrik, purposely pronounced very +distinctly. Even that cannot hurt me. But as I walked home, shivering +in the damp foggy air, and feeling inwardly as sunless and gloomy as +the sky was outwardly. I should have liked a good hearty cry. I feel so +weary, that not even tears will flow. Life, happiness, sorrow, +everything, seems stagnant within me.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 25th November.</p> + +<p class="normal">And now this! this verily is the last drop in the cup of bitterness. +This blow strikes at the very roots, and no storm is needed to level to +the ground the falling tree a child could overturn it. And that this +blow should come from the hand, from which I least expected it. That +just where I had hoped to ease my heart, I have brought it back more +heavy still. To-day I at last found him on the Wassermauer. The sun +shone brightly; I felt revived and hoped to gain peace and relief from +the conversation I had so long wished for. I thought I could easily +explain to him this last occurrence, and I was not disappointed; he +smiled when I told him how sorry I was for my want of truth towards +him. He took my hand and before releasing it he pressed it to his lips. +I felt strangely moved. He had heard of the legacy of the young Pole +but had never doubted that I would refuse it. Everything now I thought +was smoothed and settled, and I cast a grateful look at the sun as if +his kindly beams had cleared it all.</p> + +<p class="normal">How came it that we again turned to that unlucky theme? Alas it was my +fault. I wished to convince him more fully still that my feelings for +the poor madman had always been cool, and indifferent; so I began again +by saying, how the bare thought of that meeting filled me with horror; +how inexcusable it was to let people who were so evidently deranged +walk about unwatched. He looked straight before him, and said: "You are +mistaken dear Marie, he was not more deranged than I am who sit beside +you, and I hope I do not inspire you with fear. He even has the +advantage over me, for he has eased his heart of the burden which still +oppresses mine."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I do not understand you," I replied, and I spoke the truth.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Then I will continue silent;" what good could speaking do me?</p> + +<p class="normal">After a pause: "But no, why should I remain silent you might then only +fancy something worse. Is it so contemptible, if a few steps from the +grave we once more look back on life, and there perceive a happiness +which would render it loveable and worth having if only it were not too +late, and if then one grows distracted with misery and longing, and +with rage against fate? If though dying one longs to press to one's +heart the dear one who is denied to us, and breathe our last breath on +her lips? That is what happened to the poor lad who now sleeps a +dreamless sleep--and so...." He paused and looked at me. There was not +a soul to be seen underneath the poplars and he again took my hand. +"You tremble! before me too," he said. "Forget my words."</p> + +<p class="normal">I could not speak. I felt that my last and best happiness was +destroyed; the harmless confidence, the warm cheerful intercourse to +which my heart clung. Again I was alone, I felt it must be so, if I +would not add remorse to my other sufferings. "I will go home," I said, +"I feel unwell; you must remain here, and enjoy the sunshine which +makes my head ache to-day. I will write a few hues to you in the +afternoon to tell you, if I feel better." Then I rose, gave him my hand +for the last time; entreated him by a look to say no more, and left +him.</p> + +<p class="normal">I will see if I can collect my thoughts sufficiently to write to him.</p> + +<p class="dateline">In the Evening.</p> + +<p class="normal">I lay the copy of my letter to him between these leaves, and feel +relieved now that it is over; physically relieved, but the weight on my +heart still oppresses me. This is the letter:</p> + +<p class="dateline">"Meran, the 25th November.</p> + +<p class="normal">"<span class="sc">My dear friend!</span></p> + +<p class="normal">"Let me to-day, bid you farewell for the last time in this world, and +express my hope of a happy meeting in the next, towards which we are +tending. It will be easier for both of us to take leave of each other +now, while we are still under the impression of a pure and friendly +intercourse, than it would be later when we should have felt that we do +not agree in higher matters, and this I fear would sooner, or later +have been the case, for your last words still sadden and dishearten me, +as I never thought words spoken by my dear friend could have done.</p> + +<p class="normal">"How I wish we still lived in the past; then I was happy and hoped that +you were so. Why did you speak, why could we not calmly have awaited +our destiny, and stood firmly by each other as true comrades till the +end came.</p> + +<p class="normal">"I hope that this calm and premature farewell, though it may cause you +a momentary pain, will in time soften your thoughts, and give you back +the clear-sightedness with which we a short time ago looked on the +past, and hoped for the future. We cannot avoid meeting now and then; +let us pass one another with a silent bow, as if already we were +shadows moving in a higher sphere.</p> + +<p class="normal">"I need not tell you that I shall always retain the warmest friendship +for you, and I beg you to keep yours for me, though at one time it +seemed overshadowed by darker passions.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Farewell my dear friend; show me that these words, which come from the +heart, are understood, by not answering them."</p> + +<p class="right">"<span class="sc">Marie</span>."</p> + + +<p class="dateline">The last of November.</p> + +<p class="normal">I long for snow and ice for the cold winter air of my home. This sun +that shines day after day in the clear blue November sky makes my eyes +and my heart ache. This morning I woke with a pleasant surprise; it had +snowed in the night and the soft snow still lay unsullied, and pure on +the roofs and on the road. Now it has melted away, and only a few +traces of it are left. People again walk about in light cloaks, and +with dry feet under the leafless poplars.</p> + +<p class="normal">My father wrote yesterday that he fully approves of my decision +regarding the legacy. I immediately informed the Burghermeister of +this, and have already received a vote of thanks from the +administration of the poorhouse funds, which I would willingly have +dispensed with. I now write rarely in this journal. One day resembles +the other; they are like the leaves of a tree in the late autumn; all +of them are brown, only one falls to the earth sooner than another.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 1st of December--at Night.</p> + +<p class="normal">A shooting festival has taken place and enlivened the quiet town of +Meran. Early in the morning I was awakened by the band of music which +accompanied the shooters from the Sandplatz in front of the Post to the +targets. Then the whole day long the report of the rifles was heard and +made me feel quite nervous, and later the shouts and jodles of the +peasants who arrived rather the worse for wine. In the evening +fireworks were displayed on the left bank of the Passer, and it was +very pretty to see the population of the town, and the strangers +walking up and down, and enjoying the mild air by the light of torches +which were placed along the Wassermauer. Then a strong sirocco arose, +and wildly swept the rockets across the water, made the torches +flicker, and drove the spectators into their houses by bringing on the +rain. I saw the spectacle from my window, and remained there till the +last spark had died out in the dark starless night.</p> + +<p class="normal">How long it is now since I have spoken to any one except to the people +of the house where I lodge. The wish that my lips might be closed for +ever grows stronger every day. Oh for an hour of the cheerful, +confidential talk I once enjoyed with Morrik, and then to go to sleep +and dream that same dream on to Eternity! But I must endure till my +time comes.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 4th December.</p> + +<p class="normal">When my time has come, shall I find courage to resist my longing to see +him once more, and in spite of my resolve, bid adieu to life with my +eyes fixed on his. I think he too would wish it, whatever his present +thoughts may be regarding my sudden rupture with him. Sometimes the +idea torments me that he may have possibly misunderstood my letter and +think that I drew back because I feared gossip. I should like to tell +him once more that this is not the case; that I only did it for his +sake, for his peace of mind, and indeed for mine also.</p> + +<p class="normal">How is he now? Can he walk out? Who will help him to bear the long +solitude of the day. I am truly grateful to him for having granted my +wish in not having answered my letter. Still something seems missing in +my life, now that I no longer see him, and cannot judge for myself +whether he is cheerful or melancholy; how he bears his sufferings, what +he reads, what he thinks--his thoughts even, I could once read in his +face, his countenance is so clear and open.</p> + +<p class="normal">Yesterday I met his servant. The faithful creature bowed to me; I +should have liked to ask him how his master was; however it is better +not.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 11th.</p> + +<p class="normal">Took a walk to the Zenoburg; that dear walk of former days, but not +with my former spirits. As I passed by the house where he lodges, he +was just coming out; he perceived me and stood still and motionless to +let me pass. I dared not look at him, but the first glance told me that +he had become pale and grave--nearly as much so as when I first saw +him. He did not bow, but remained in the shade of the doorway as if +fearing to frighten me; so I passed him with my eyes fixed on the +pavement.</p> + +<p class="normal">The hill seemed much steeper to me than when I walked up the first +time--probably I have grown weaker--and then I was happy. What is it +that hinders me from being so again, in spite of all my efforts and +self-command. Is it merely compassion for him, and the want of that +intercourse which had become a necessity to me. No, it is not that +alone; it is as if I had been infringing on some duty. But how could I +have acted differently? Can one trifle with the hopes and happiness of +this life, when death is so near.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 16th December--Evening.</p> + +<p class="normal">A trying but pleasant day has passed. I have packed a small +Christmasbox which I intend to send home. When all the trifles I had +worked for my father, Ernest, and my step-mother were laid together; +the pretty wood carvings, the picture of Meran, and the figure of a +Saltner which I had dressed up for Ernest as like the real ones as +possible, I was as happy as a child with its own Christmas presents. +And then the packing of it all; as the box was not quite filled, I +crammed in all I could get hold of; some pomegranates, a box filled +with dried figs, another one with chesnuts, and one of those sweet +Christmas-cakes made of honey and raisins. The box will tell its own +tale of Meran.</p> + +<p class="normal">My landlord's apprentice carried the box to the post. Then for the +first time for several weeks, I walked on the Wassermauer. The +strangers sat on the benches as they had always done, only foot-rugs +had become more general. Morrik arrived soon after me. This time we +silently exchanged salutations as had been agreed between us. He looked +kindly and calmly at me probably to see whether I appeared well and +cheerful. I was much heated by my Christmas packing. When I got home I +looked at myself in the glass and perceived that it was only a +transient flush of agitation, perhaps of pleasure. Now that we have +again met so unconstrainedly I fancy that the future will seem easier +to me. I need only imagine that I never exchanged a word with him but +that I have simply read a story in which one of the characters had +attracted me--that I now meet a stranger whose face recalls my idea of +this character, and therefore that I take great interest in him. We did +not sit down beside each other. I walked several times up and down the +Wassermauer with a lady who was very kind to me, inquired why I had so +persistently remained at home, and then told me all about herself and +her children, from whom she had been separated for the sake of +tranquillity. Tears started to her eyes as she said. "To be separated +from those dear to us in order to enjoy quiet and peace of mind!" Oh +you good doctors I what bad physicians for the soul you are.</p> + +<p class="dateline">Christmas Eve.</p> + +<p class="normal">What am I to think of this! An hour ago a Christmas-tree beautifully +decorated with oranges, pomegranites, and sweet meats, and covered with +wax-lights was brought into the room by my landlady. The tree is so +high that I was obliged to place it on the floor and yet it nearly +reaches the ceiling. A strange maidservant brought it, my landlady +tells me, and would on no account say from whom it came. I have now lit +all the tapers and am writing by their light, after having given my +landlady's children some Christmas-presents, for the people here never +have Christmas-trees.</p> + +<p class="normal">Now that I am again alone, I ransack my brain to find out who could +have sent the tree. The kind lady who may also feel the want of +Christmas joys, and Christmas lights? But surely she would have written +a letter to say so, and then our acquaintance is so short. Many other +kind faces have passed by me in my daily walks, but to whom of these +would it have occurred to brighten my Christmas eve. I must confess +that in my first irritation, I wronged many of them, and might +certainly have found some pleasing acquaintances among them, if my +first longing for solitude had not expressed itself so repellantly. Now +no one would willingly speak to me.</p> + +<p class="normal">Can the tree have come from <i>him</i>? but that would be contrary to our +agreement. One who must and will keep silence cannot offer presents. It +is easier to give than to receive silently, and yet how is it possible +to express one's thanks after having already bid farewell.</p> + +<p class="normal">The more I think of it the more uneasy I become. It is not all as it +should be; something unnatural and indefinable seems to have come +between us; something pernicious that would revenge itself on us.</p> + +<p class="normal">Here come letters from my dear ones, from home! But I must first put +out the tapers and light my little lamp. Some of the twigs are already +crackling and glimmering. The last spark has died out on my last +Christmas-tree. The church bells are ringing while I am writing these +lines by the light of the moon which is now keeping me company, my lamp +having died out.</p> + +<p class="dateline">December the 28th.</p> + +<p class="normal">We have met again, our hands have touched, and our eyes have +encountered each other; but what a sorrowful meeting. The vengeance I +expected has come.</p> + +<p class="normal">The program of a concert was brought to my lodgings. A player on the +cither was going to perform in the Assembly rooms at the Post. I am no +longer displeased at being roused from my own thoughts; so I went, as I +very much like the cither, and have always wished to hear a virtuoso +perform on it. When I arrived the first piece had begun, and only three +seats in the front row were unoccupied; they seemed to have been kept +for some expected personage of distinction: I found myself compelled to +take one of these seats of honour, and did not do so, unwillingly for +the tone of the instrument was rather low, and there too, I could +observe the movement of the performer's hands. The air soon became +oppressive; the heat of the stove, the crowded room and its low ceiling +all combined to make it so. I was much flurried at first, but I soon +grew calm, and listened with delight to the charming and touching +sounds. Suddenly the door was opened softly and quietly, and Morrik +entered. He stopped when he saw the room filled, but did not like to +turn back. Some gentlemen near the door pointed out to him the empty +seat beside me. He slowly moved up the room, and arriving at my side, +sat down with a slight inclination of the head. My breath stopped and I +feared he would perceive the trembling which seized me, as the arm of +his chair touched mine; however he appeared to be much calmer than I +was, and to listen to the music with more attention; so after a time I +mastered my agitation, and listened too, absorbed in an exquisite and +sweet reverie. I felt as if the melody were a celestial atmosphere in +which our mutual thoughts and feelings rose and intermingled; a +harmonious communion of soul with soul banishing all that had hitherto +divided estranged and tormented us. I cannot describe how this sort of +visionary dream comforted me. I felt persuaded that the same thoughts +touched him also. Our eyes were fixed on the cither, and yet it seemed +as if they met in one long book.</p> + +<p class="normal">Even the applause and shouts of bravo! hardly roused us from this +ecstasy. The pauses between the pieces only lasted for a few minutes, +and at the end of one of them the cither-player put by his cither, and +brought out an enormous instrument which he called the divine Kikilira, +explaining in a few words that it was an instrument peculiar to the +Tyrol, and had been constructed by a simple peasant. It is a sort of +wooden harmonium--the notes are formed of very hard wood, and the tones +are produced from them, by the sharp and rapid blows of two small +hammers. It has a harsh shrill sound, and one could hardly have found +an instrument more opposite to the cither. It rudely put to flight all +my exalted thoughts and feelings, and seemed to outrage my very soul. I +would willingly have left the room, had I not been afraid of offending +the performer. I feared for Morrik, for I knew how exceedingly +sensitive he was with regard to every noise. I slightly glanced at him. +He sat with closed eyes his head reclining on his right arm, as if +trying to shield himself from this sudden attack.</p> + +<p class="normal">All at once I perceived that his lips grew still paler, his eyes opened +partially and lost all expression; then his head sank heavily against +the back of his chair.</p> + +<p class="normal">Several of the audience also observed this, yet no one moved to assist +the fainting man. I fancied, judging by the scornful expression on +their faces, that they with malicious pleasure, purposely left this +benevolent charge to me. I got up and begged the performer to stop, as +a gentleman was unwell. I sprinkled his forehead with eau de cologne, +which I always carry with me, and let him inhale the vivifying perfume. +Part of the company had risen, but none of them left their places: +it was only to observe the spectacle more at their case. Only the +cither-player came to me, and helped me to support Morrik, when his +senses had returned; and to lead him the few steps to the door. Once out +of the room, where the fresh December-wind blew across his face, he +recovered completely. He looked inquiringly at me, then remembered what +had occurred and leant slightly on my arm as I led him down stairs. "I +thank you;" was all he said, and we walked on together as his servant +was nowhere to be found. I accompanied him up the <i>kleine</i> Lauben, as +the street leading past the Post is called, and as far as the church +from whence we could see his lodgings. "Do you feel better?" I asked. +He bowed his head and made a movement as though he now wished to walk +alone. Ere we parted he pressed my hand endeavoured to repress a sigh, +and silently turned towards the house. I watched him till he had +reached the door; he walked with firm slow steps, and did not once look +back. When he had disappeared, I too went home.</p> + +<p class="normal">I feel so overcome by this event that I must lie down; my head is +nearly bursting with pain, and when I close my eyes the harsh hammering +sound of that wooden instrument, which surely has received the name of +"divine" in derision, rushes wildly into my ears, and I feel feverish +and exhausted from the heat and oppressive air of the room.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 11th January.</p> + +<p class="normal">A fortnight of sickness and suffering, during which I did not open a +book or play a note on the piano--It was only a slight influenza, sleep +and diet have pulled me through--though one night when the fever +tormented me with horrible visions, I was on the point of calling in a +doctor, as my landlady constantly urged me to do. The people here have +great faith in medicines. I am glad that I can now again stand on my +feet, and owe it to no one but myself. I will venture on my first walk +to-day. The air is cold, but still, and the sun is so powerful that I +can boldly open my casement. I long to hear something about Morrik; but +whom can I ask.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The same day.</p> + +<p class="normal">My presentiment was right; the visions in my feverish dreams spoke the +truth. He is seriously ill with typhus fever. He has been laid up ever +since that concert and sometimes the fever is so bad that he lies +unconscious for hours. I met his doctor just at the gate of the town, +and mustered courage to ask him for news of Morrik; and what good would +restraint do me; it would only be ridiculous for does not everyone +already know that I led him out of the concert-room, and across the +streets and is not my show of interest very innocent, though +unfortunately it may seem improper. The doctor looked very grave and I +should have liked to detain him, and extract from him a decided answer +to my question as to whether there was any immediate danger, but just +then one of his patients accosted him, and our conversation was broken +off. With what feelings I sat down on the sunny bench, and gazed at the +water, watching the logs of wood floating down the stream, and swept +away by the force of the current every time they tried to cling to a +stone. And is it not so with us poor human creatures; do we not float +down the stream of life! and are the happy moments we enjoy anything +better than a short rest on a cliff from which we are severed by the +first passing wave.--Oh, come peace, come! My heart will break with its +stormy throbbing. How shall I be able every morning to endure the pain +of imagining him dying, and of not being able to watch for his every +breath! Oh heavens! and has it come to this, that I must see him leave +this world before me; I who never dreamt of such a possibility.</p> + +<p class="dateline">January, the 12th--Evening.</p> + +<p class="normal">At last I have gained my point; and the calm I now feel amply +compensates me for the struggle I have had to endure. I have just come +from his lodgings where I have passed the day with him, and shall do so +again to-morrow, and all the days that are yet granted to him.</p> + +<p class="normal">How I passed this night, God to whom I prayed in my calmer moments +alone knows. In those dark hours, when sorrow and hopelessness took +away all feeling of <i>His</i> presence, and of my own strength, life, time, +eternity whirled about in my giddy brain just like the helpless logs of +wood tossed by the waves.</p> + +<p class="normal">In the morning I begged the landlady to go to his lodgings and enquire +how he had passed the night. She told me that a stout elderly lady with +fair ringlets had opened the door of Mr. Morrik's sitting-room--He lay +in the adjoining room and talked so loud in his fever that one could +hear him distinctly from the outside. The lady asked who had sent her, +and on hearing who it was, had made a wry face, and sent her away with +the information that there was no change.</p> + +<p class="normal">This was a terrible blow to me. I knew what he thought of the +professional philanthropy of the life preserver, and that he had always +purposely avoided her. And now there was she listening to his feverish +talk, and plaguing him with her officiousness in his lucid intervals. I +could not bear the thought.</p> + +<p class="normal">It was early in the morning when I ascended the stairs of his lodgings, +fully determined not to let any consideration, except what was +necessary for his welfare and tranquillity, prevail over me. My courage +only deserted me for a moment when on knocking at the door a shrill +hard voice called out, "Come in." All my coolness and presence of mind +returned however, when I felt the cold lustreless eyes resting on me, +with a severe rebuking expression; and with a quiet voice I said that I +had come myself to have news of him, as the information of my landlady +did not suffice me. Before she had time to answer Morrik called out my +name from the inner room. "I will go myself," I said, "and ask the +sufferer how he feels. He seems to have recovered his senses."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Mr. Morrik receives no one," she said, "and your visit would be +against all propriety, a reason, to be sure, which is of little +importance to you?" "At the death-bed of a friend, certainly not," I +replied. He called a second time "Marie;" so opening the folding that +led to his bedroom, I entered without a moment's hesitation.</p> + +<p class="normal">The small room looked dark, as the only window opened on the narrow, +gloomy street, and was partly covered by a curtain; still it was light +enough for me to see that his pale face was brightened by a ray of +pleasure when I entered. He stretched out his hot hand, and tried to +lift his head. "You have come!" he whispered, "I cannot tell you how +your presence relieves me. Do not go away again, Marie, I cannot spare +you, my time is so short. The lady out there, you know whom I mean, her +very voice pains me; her presence seems like a nightmare to me, but I +cannot bring myself to tell her so. I tried to hint to her that I +preferred remaining alone, but she answered that: patients were not +allowed to have a will of their own. Please remain with me, when you +are here I shall see and hear no one but you, and I promise never to +annoy you again."</p> + +<p class="normal">He talked on in this strain in so low and hurried a voice, that the +tears sprang to my eyes. I pressed his hand warmly and promised to do +all he wished. His face brightened in a moment. Then he lay quite still +and closed his eyes, so that I believed him to be asleep but when I +tried to draw away my hand, he glanced at me with a sad and pleading +look. At the end of half an hour, he really slept. I returned again to +the sitting-room where the lady sat on the sofa. She was knitting in +great wrath, and the poor meshes had to suffer for my offence. I +perceived that there was no time to be lost, so I told her with as much +consideration for her feelings as I could, that the patient was very +grateful to her for her kindness, but that he would not trouble her any +longer as I was going to nurse him with the help of his servant and of +the people who lodged him. "<i>You</i>, my dear?" she slowly asked, casting +an annihilating look at me.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Certainly," I replied quietly; "among all the visitors here I am the +nearest acquaintance Mr. Morrik has, and so we should both think it +strange if I left the duty of nursing him to an entire stranger, who +moreover has so many other charitable duties to fulfil."</p> + +<p class="normal">She stared at me as though my mind were wandering.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Is it possible," she at last said, "that you do not feel, that by this +step you will for ever ruin your already so much damaged reputation. +Are you related to him? Are you an old woman, who is above suspicion; +or are you in need of a nurse for yourself, my dear?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"I am perfectly aware of what I can do, and what I can answer for," I +said, "I regret that our opinions on the subject differ, but I cannot +change mine. I shall remain here; and certainly I cannot hinder you +from doing the same. Do not be uneasy about my reputation; I believe I +told you once before that I have closed with this world, and submitting +the case to a higher judge, I hope to be acquitted." She arose, took +her bonnet and said: "You will not expect me to remain in the same room +with a young lady whose moral principles so widely differ from mine, +and to sanction by my presence an intimacy which in every respect I +hold to be most reprehensible. Nothing remains for me but to hear from +the patient's own lips whether he desires my departure. If the doctor +should sanction this continual emotion for a patient suffering from +typhus fever, it is no business of mine."</p> + +<p class="normal">With these words, she moved towards the folding doors, but I quietly +stopped her and said: "Mr. Morrik sleeps, so I beg of you not to +disturb him; and from this sleep you may gain the tranquillizing +assurance, that my presence is rather beneficial to him than +otherwise."</p> + +<p class="normal">After these words we only exchanged a silent and formal curtsey, the +door closed on the deeply offended lady and a load fell from my heart. +I opened the door of the balcony which also leads into the garden, to +let out the odour of acetic ether which the lady without nerves had +brought here too. Then I looked round my new domain, and it pleased me +much. What a difference between this elegant, handsomely furnished, and +lofty apartment, and my own small room with its scanty furniture. Here, +his writing-table loaded with all the luxury of portfolios, inkstands, +and different trinkets; there, the shelves with his finely bound books; +the comfortable arm-chair, and above all the pleasure of breathing the +fresh air merely by stepping out on the balcony shaded by awnings from +whence a few steps lead into the garden. How sunny, sheltered, and +secluded it looked down there; only the splash of the fountain was +heard, and the lullaby song of a nurse who sat on a bench with a pretty +baby in her arms.</p> + +<p class="normal">I was so charmed with the peace of this abode that I actually forgot +who was lying in the next room in a feverish slumber. I was shocked at +having been led for a moment into this obliviousness. I stepped to the +door and listened. He called "Marie" in a low voice. When I looked in, +he said: "I heard all; you are my guardian angel; I owe you the first +refreshing slumber I have had for a fortnight."--"Sleep on," I replied, +"you are not to speak. Cheer up, and dream pleasantly." He nodded +faintly, and again closed his eyes.</p> + +<p class="normal">In the afternoon the doctor came. Him, at least, I must exempt from the +accusation I recently brought against all doctors; that of being bad +physicians for the soul. When I told him why I had remained, he smiled. +Has Morrik spoken to him of me? I do not think so. But what pleased him +more even than the departure of the life preserver, whose beneficial +influence on the nerves, he evidently doubts, was the fact that Morrik +had slept for three hours and that his pulse was calmer.</p> + +<p class="normal">When I accompanied him to the door, and ventured to ask him what he +thought would be the end of this illness, he shrugged his shoulders. +"The danger has not yet passed," was all he said. I had thought so.</p> + +<p class="normal">At seven o'clock I walked home; the servant watches by him during the +night. He slept when I went away, and did not even feel my hand when I +touched his before leaving. I will sleep now; I want to be at my post +early in the morning. For a long time I have not felt so peaceful and +calm as this evening. Now nothing can again estrange us.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 13th.</p> + +<p class="normal">He woke in the night, and immediately asked for me. The servant could +hardly quiet him with the assurance that I would certainly return in +the morning. I found him much agitated; only after a long explanation, +in which he followed me with difficulty, did I succeed in convincing +him, that it must be so, that it was necessary that the day and night +watches should be relieved. "But if I should die in the night?" he +asked. "Then you will send for me, and I will come to you instantly." +When I had promised this, he went to sleep again. He does not eat a +morsel and his hands are fearfully thin.</p> + +<p class="normal">I am more convinced than ever that my presence tranquillizes him. The +afternoon passed very quietly. We did not speak to each other, but the +door between the two rooms was left open, so that he could see the +light of my lamp, and watch my shadow on the wall; he had expressly +desired this.</p> + +<p class="normal">I read for a long time, and listened to his breathing. No other sound +reached me. Only when I had to give him his medicines I went to him. +Then he always had some gay and affectionate words to say to me, but +without any tone of passion in them.</p> + +<p class="normal">"She is a fairy," he said to the doctor, "she makes even death appear a +festival to me. Formerly, doctor, I always felt inclined to say to you: +'That thou doest, do quickly.' But now it is of great moment to me that +you should prolong my life for a few days. I can never have enough, +even of your horrid potions, now that a good spirit gives them to me."</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 15th.</p> + +<p class="normal">Yesterday I could not write. He was much worse. To-day he is, at least, +not worse still; what a sad consolation! The hard frost continues. The +fountain in the garden is covered with ice, and not a flake of snow to +soften the piercing air, and to relieve the chest. I long for snow, for +I am convinced that he will not be better till the air softens. To-day +I stood for hours at his bedside, and he did not recognize me. In his +delirium, he talked of people and countries unknown to me, and then I +saw how little we really know of each other; and yet a moment later +when he called me by name, I felt how near and dear I was to him, and +that we do know of each other our best feelings and thoughts. All that +is really worth knowing.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 19th January, 5 o'clock in the morning.</p> + +<p class="normal">I have just come home after four and twenty sleepless hours, and yet I +feel that no sleep is possible for me till my feelings are more calm +and collected, and I have expressed them in these leaves. I feel like +one who has been blind, and who struck by the first ray of light, is +made aware of his happiness by a dazzling pain. I will try to speak +connectedly, though what is the meaning of beginning, middle, end--what +is the significance of these words, when eternity has mingled with +time; when dying, one awakens to a new life, which is subject to time, +yet still bears the impress of eternity.</p> + +<p class="normal">These are but weak and unconnected words, and I wished to speak +clearly.</p> + +<p class="normal">The days which have passed since I last wrote have been so sad that I +could not speak of them. Yesterday evening when the doctor came quite +late, I had sent for him as my anxiety increased every hour, he did not +conceal his fears. "We must bring on a crisis," he said, "or he is +lost." They put him in a tepid bath and dashed cold water over him. +This excited him to such a degree that even through the closed doors, I +heard his groans and his loud and unintelligible exclamations. When he +had been again laid in his bed the doctor came to me. "I will remain +with him during the night," said the excellent man; "any blunder about +applications of ice might be of fatal consequence. You must go home and +rest, the day has been too fatiguing for you." I told him that even at +home I should find no rest, and would rather remain and watch with him. +He did not press me further as he saw that I was quite decided. Had I +not given my promise to Morrik that I would not be absent when his end +was approaching. So I sat down in an arm-chair at his writing-table and +took up a book only for the sake of holding on to something--to read +was impossible; for that a clear mind is required, and mine was clouded +over with a dark shadow, and all my attention was rivetted on the +sick-room where the doctor sat by his bed changing the compresses +himself, and only now and then giving the servant some order in a low +voice. The moans and the rambling indistinct words which broke from +those feverish lips cut me to the heart; this is still his voice I +thought, and these are, perhaps, the last words that he will ever speak +to me. I cannot understand their meaning, nor does he himself. Oh, what +a leave taking!</p> + +<p class="normal">I will not dwell on this scene; the remembrance, even, of that dreadful +time makes me shudder. We heard the hours strike from the church-tower; +ten, eleven o'clock, midnight.--In the next room stillness now +prevailed. I kept in my breath and listened anxiously, questioning +myself if this were a good or a bad sign. I tried to rise and creep to +the door to hear if he yet breathed, but I found that the agony of the +last hours had nearly paralyzed me, and I could not move. Or was it +only that I could not muster courage and nerve myself sufficiently to +face the dreadful certainty.</p> + +<p class="normal">Strange! I had thought myself quite familiarized with death, even if it +should approach the bedside of my dearest friend. And now, instead of +calmly facing it, I shivered with fear like a child in the dark.</p> + +<p class="normal">I know not if I could have endured these feelings much longer without +fainting, especially as I had not swallowed a morsel the whole of that +day. At last, just as my strength was giving way the bedroom door +opened, and the doctor came out quietly. "He is saved."</p> + +<p class="normal">The shock these words gave me was so great that I burst into a fit of +hysterical tears. The doctor sat down opposite me and said: "You weep, +Mademoiselle, and perhaps the word 'saved,' seems to you only as a +bitter mockery, when coupled with the name of a patient whose life was +despaired of before this last illness seized him. But it is just on +this illness that I found my hope of saving him. Nature has risked a +bold experiment and has succeeded. It is not the first time that I have +observed her employ this admirable device by which she first kindles a +conflict in the nervous and blood systems; and then summoning the last +vital powers, she combines all her forces to drive away the enemy who +had taken entire possession of the citadel. Now you will see that our +friend, if his convalescence after this fever proceeds without any +disturbance, will make rapid progress towards the full recovery of his +former health, which was once with reason despaired of. Now I can +safely send him to Venice in March, without any fear of his catching +the typhus there, as this fever seldom seizes the same person twice. +The soft sea air will be most beneficial to his lungs; and though I +never meddle with prophecies, I can say, almost with certainty, that +in this case--taking it for granted that no outward disturbance +occurs--our patient will in less than a year be as strong and healthy +as ever."</p> + +<p class="normal">A slight noise in the inner room, called the doctor again to his post.</p> + +<p class="normal">He stayed away only a few minutes, but at least I had time to become +more collected before he returned. Can I acknowledge even to myself +that this great revolution in all my ideas startled me more than it +pleased me? So he was to live, and I firmly believing that he was to +follow me into another world had as fully taken possession of his soul +as if it were written that we should only be separated for a short +time, and would part with the mutual wish of: A happy death to you! +instead of a happy life to you!</p> + +<p class="normal">Fortunately this selfish regret only lasted till the doctor returned, +and I could say with a heart full of pure joy and gratitude, Thank God, +he will live! He will once more enjoy his youth, his strength, his +plans, and his hopes! When the doctor was again beside me he said, +"They are both asleep: both master and servant. I settled the poor +fellow, who certainly has been greatly fatigued, more comfortably in +his armchair and he did not awake. It seems as if he knew that he is no +longer wanted, now that the crisis has passed, and nature herself has +taken charge of nursing the patient. I advise you to follow his example +Mademoiselle and to lie down on the sofa and go to sleep. I have kept a +cup of tea for myself and do not mind in the least remaining here till +morning, and will feast meantime on our friend's looks. I cannot let +you walk home in this cold winter night, you would by so doing risk all +the benefit you have obtained by your stay here." "Benefit!" I +exclaimed; "you must know that I have no illusions whatever with regard +to the state of my health. I am perfectly aware how little I have to +risk. If I have gained anything by my stay here it is only a reprieve +of a few days or weeks."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Pardon me," he said with a smile, "if I do not share your opinion. To +be sure we professional men are often worse prophets than the +uninitiated. At least we are less confident."</p> + +<p class="normal">As during the last few days I had written some letters at Morrik's +writing-table, I had brought with me the portfolio, in which I keep our +old doctor's drawing, I drew it from the portfolio, and handed it to +him. "Now you can convince yourself that I am only repeating the +prediction of one of your colleagues," and I told him how I had come to +Meran.</p> + +<p class="normal">The drawing appeared to make some impression on him. He shook his head +after looking at it, and then said, "I generally examine the patient by +auscultation myself before I give any opinion. You say that you have +spent the winter without any medical assistance or advice, and perhaps +you were right in doing so, for truly our power is very limited. Far be +it from me to force my opinion on you, but it would interest me greatly +to discover whether your looks, your movements, your voice, and your +pulse are only deceiving, or whether this drawing is to be relied on. +Would you let me ascertain this?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"I have no objection to it," I replied, "but you must permit me, +whatever the result may be, to have more faith in our old doctor than +in you."</p> + +<p class="normal">After auscultating me, he sat down for about ten minutes in front of +me, and after taking a long draught of tea, he answered my question as +to whether the drawing was not right after all. "I will not venture any +opinion on that subject; all I can say is, that if your lungs really +were in that state, then the Meran climate has worked wonders. We have +had several cases here, in which the patients sent to us had been given +up and were supposed to be in a hopeless state, yet those very patients +are enjoying life to this day, to their own and their doctor's +astonishment. The time you have staid here is however much too short to +have operated such a marvellous recovery, and so I have my doubts about +this drawing. I would even venture to say, if the assertion be not too +bold, that you have never had any inclination to disease of the lungs, +but that your illness is simply caused by great exhaustion of the +nervous system. You say that your doctor is an old practitioner, but +auscultation is a recent discovery and if Hippocrates and Galen had to +speak on the subject they would certainly commit themselves deeply. You +look incredulous dear Mademoiselle. Next year we will again speak of +this, for it will be most beneficial to your nervous system, which is +in a very irritable state, if you spend another winter here and only +visit your relations during the summer."</p> + +<p class="normal">Could he have assured me positively of all this and proved it by a +hundred scientific arguments it would have been in vain. I feel only +too well that it is impossible. We had a long dispute about it, and his +smilingly sarcastic tone, and confident manner made me at last lose all +patience, and I uttered all the invectives I had ever heard against his +profession, only exempting our dear old doctor from this sweeping +condemnation. It was rather curious to hear a patient quarreling with +his doctor for awarding life to him. But if life were again given back +to me, could I receive it thankfully as a blessing, would it not appear +only as a renewal of bondage after this short dream of freedom?</p> + +<p class="normal">I could not rest till I had then and there in the presence of the +doctor written to my old friend and besought him to come to my rescue; +and save me from this return to life into which they wished to delude +me. The day had not yet dawned, when the doctor and I left the house. +Morrik's servant was now awake, and his master slept, to awaken to a +renewed life. The doctor insisted on my ordering a sedan chair; but I +refused decidedly, and went to post my letter myself. I then begged the +doctor not to mention what had passed between us to any one, and above +all not to Morrik till I had received an answer. He promised it, and +smilingly took leave of me, after seeing me to the door of my lodgings. +As I toiled up the steep stairs, I again felt convinced that ere long I +should ascend them for the last time.</p> + +<p class="normal">The mountain tops are not yet red with the rising sun, the air is +foggy, and flakes of snow begin to fall. My room is comfortable and +warm, as the small stove does its duty. If I could but find sleep. This +mounting guard has been too heavy a service for the poor invalid. A +great battle has been won without him, and he himself has been deluded +with the hope of a victory the fruit of which he would not care to +enjoy.</p> + +<p class="dateline">January 30th.</p> + +<p class="normal">Yesterday, I remained at home, as I had rashly promised the doctor not +to leave my room till he gave his consent. He said that the honour of +science was at stake, if I brought to naught the opinion he had +pronounced, by my reckless enterprizes. It is also necessary for our +friend he added.</p> + +<p class="normal">This morning he came to see me. God be praised Morrik it seems, +improves rapidly. I dared not ask him if he had inquired for me, had +missed me. It appears that he eats and sleeps a good deal.</p> + +<p class="normal">Rain and snow help me to endure my imprisonment. I shall probably +remain at home for the whole of this week. I do not wish to meet +anyone. I feel a strange uncertainty and anxiety till the answer from +my friend arrives.</p> + +<p class="normal">I shall not know what face to put on when I meet my fellow creatures. +Shall I appear to them as one who after a short rest among them will +suddenly take up his staff again, or as one who has changed his mind +and is determined to remain. I feel restless and unsettled since that +conversation with Morrik's doctor. My home is neither in this world, +nor in the next; my mind is uneasy. I fancy that every one looks at me +suspiciously, as the police looks on a vagabond whose passport is not +in proper order, and who cannot state from whence he comes nor whither +he is going. And I shall have to pass another week in this disagreeable +state of bewilderment before I can receive an answer, even if he wrote +by return of post.</p> + +<p class="normal">To-day I ought to write to my father but I cannot bring myself to touch +a pen--my feelings are in such a sad state of confusion, often it +appears to me that my body and soul cry out to me "you <i>cannot</i> live;" +then suddenly the blood flows again so warmly and vigorously through my +veins, that it seems to mock my aching heart, and worn out nerves. In +those moments I take out my drawing as if it were a sure bill of +exchange for a better world, but the doctor treated it with so little +respect, that even this paper has lost its tranquillizing power. +Formerly I was so sure that Death like grim Shylck would insist on the +acquittance of his bond, but now I begin to fear that favour, instead +of justice, will be shown me, but is it a favour to be restored to +captivity?</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 15th.</p> + +<p class="normal">Still no decision! This cold foggy weather continues. The only ray of +light in my gloomy existence are the daily tidings my landlady brings +me that Morrik's nights are good, and that he is gaining strength +rapidly.</p> + +<p class="normal">I must here confess a foolish action I have been guilty of. I have +bought a new dress, and a silk neckerchief, just as any other girl +might do. To be sure they were brought up to my room by a grey haired, +half blind pedlar; who came in with his packages dripping with the cold +damp fog. I pitied him when he resignedly tied them up again, after I +had told him that I should hardly wear out the dress I had on. But +could I not have given him some money, as a compensation for his +useless trouble. It is a very pretty summer dress. I wonder who will +enjoy all the blessings and riches of summer in it?</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 1st February.</p> + +<p class="normal">I have slept on it, and yet have not gained more composure. When the +letter arrived yesterday, I trembled so with excitement that I could +hardly open it, and then at first all the lines danced before my eyes. +When I had perused it all my ideas were in such a state of tumultuous +confusion that I thought I was going mad. Was it pleasure? was it +dread? was it self pity? No it was the certainty that we poor mortals +can have no firm and steadfast support in this unstable world. I +believed that I had at least one faithful, honest, intrepid friend; and +he too has deceived me. I fancied that at least my own unbiassed +instincts, and presentiments could not mislead me, and I find that they +too had conspired against me.</p> + +<p class="normal">But the more I read this letter the less angry I feel with him. I will +destroy the answer I had begun in the first impulse of my +disappointment. He meant it well, and has done his duty as a doctor but +I always come back to my old maxim, that all of them are bad physicians +for the soul. Did he consider before trying this energetic cure +whether, though it might succeed with the body, it might not do +irreparable mischief to the soul; or had he kept some "heroic remedy" +as he calls it, also for that case. He knows me well--could he not have +known me somewhat better? He is right in saying that without this +deception I never would have consented to leave my home, my family; and +never would have freed myself from those depressing bonds which wore +out my life, never have allowed myself the rest which was so necessary +for my recovery.</p> + +<p class="normal">Was it not principally to spare my dear father, who already has so many +cares, the additional one of seeing me die without the possibility of +saving me, that induced me to leave him.</p> + +<p class="normal">I would certainly have forced myself to look happy, and to submit to my +destiny till I had made myself ill beyond human aid. He knew what +suited my character when he deceived me in this cruel way. I have ever +preferred the most dreadful certainty to a hopeful uncertainty. If +peace and quiet were the only remedies which could strengthen my +suffering nerves, and ward off the menacing disease from my oppressed +chest, then I could only be saved by the firm belief that I was doomed. +And the undecided wavering hope of life would only have aggravated my +illness.</p> + +<p class="normal">How artfully the crafty, malicious, cruel friend brought about what he +thought good for me. This drawing, with; what seeming reluctance he put +it in my hands, in order that I might have impressed on my mind a fixed +tangible vision of my danger, that I might be well armed against all +rising hopes, all glimmering wishes. Then his exhortation not on any +account to consult a doctor who would certainly only seek to delude me, +to spare my feelings, in the way all medical men treated their +patients. His emotion when I left, his praise of my firmness and +self-command--Still I cannot bear him ill-will. He does not know what +sort of life it was, he sought to give back to me, by this stratagem. +After having resigned it, it appears so paltry and valueless; how painful +it is to me to begin anew with all the trifles of this world to which I +had already become dead, and to bear what now seems doubly odious to me +after having lived in a higher and nobler sphere; to fall back into the +dreary drudgery of a girl's life; to be once more tied down to the +narrow, commonplace customs and prejudices of a small town; to be +observed, judged and pitied by one's so-called friends, who know so +little of the characters of their acquaintances, that they invariably +mistake their good qualities for their bad ones.</p> + +<p class="normal">I must cease! my thoughts are lost in the deep gloom of a sunless +future, in which the dear faces of my father and Ernest are the only +bright spots.</p> + +<p class="normal">What radiance streamed from the open gate, the entrance of which was +guarded by the angel of death.</p> + +<p class="dateline">February the 3rd.</p> + +<p class="normal">The doctor has just left me. He has taken the letter with him, as he +thinks it very remarkable, and says he has not yet met with such a +thorough physiologist as my old friend. Perhaps he wishes to show the +letter to Morrik. From him not a word; I did not like to question the +doctor, as I had heard in the morning, that he was getting on well, and +yesterday for the first time, enjoyed the warm sunshine on his balcony.</p> + +<p class="normal">To-day I fancied the doctor was very absent hurried, and mysterious; I +had to ask him if he permitted me to walk out. He nodded, and said; +"Mind you do not agitate yourself by any exciting conversation." With +whom should I speak?</p> + +<p class="normal">So I must begin life again, where, and under what circumstances? I +should like to keep a school; but here the people are all Roman +Catholics.</p> + +<p class="normal">Leave these dear mountains, and return to that dull town to look again +on the monotonous faces of its inhabitants with their air of self +importance, the obtrusiveness of which disturbs my very dreams. However +I cannot leave my father. Fortunately he has not been duped as I have +been. He agreed to the stratagem of our malicious friend.</p> + +<p class="normal">It appears strange that Morrik should not have made the slightest +inquiry, or sent any friendly greeting to me. He probably feels that +there must be some change in our relations to each other, as it is +decided that we are both to live. But some acknowledgement of our +former friendship.... or does he not feel the pain and bitterness of +having found each other, only to lose one another again for ever.</p> + +<p class="normal">The doctor says that so severe a crisis often changes the whole nature, +and so his soul which has arisen renewed, and invigorated from the +paroxysm of fever, has probably kept no remembrance of his companion on +the road to death. Well I must submit to it.</p> + +<p class="normal">Let him forget me; I will always remain to him what I have been.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 5th--Morning.</p> + +<p class="normal">Received a letter from my father congratulating me. I shed tears over +it. Whilst every one was condoling with me I felt happy, and now that I +am again given back to life, and ought to rejoice I feel wretched.</p> + +<p class="normal">These desolate winter-days, the sun shining with the heat of spring, +make me feel miserable in body and soul; it is but a sterile....</p> + +<p class="dateline">February the 6th.</p> + +<p class="normal">Yesterday amidst all my hopelessness, a spark of courage kindled within +me. I left my writing and walked to the window. I felt heartily ashamed +of my cowardice, my grief, and my ingratitude towards God.</p> + +<p class="normal">What had become of the sentence which I had once so valiantly used as +the theme for a sermon? "For I was made man; and that means that I have +striven."</p> + +<p class="normal">The wings of angels which I had expected are not to be mine yet. I must +still be up and doing, and if necessary, must work my way through the +world with these mortal arms of mine, and be thankful if some day I +should be able to twine them round a dear friend and there find rest.</p> + +<p class="normal">The remembrance that I had once approached a higher sphere and had +learnt to know it, or at least to anticipate it, will always remain +with me for good and for evil. For good, as I carry away with me an +everlasting treasure of golden thoughts; for evil, as many things which +formerly I should have deemed riches, will now appear insufficient to +me. Yet I would not spare the past.</p> + +<p class="normal">I have written to my old friend this morning and have reconciled myself +with him; and now I will try to be reconciled to myself, for I was +justly angry with my own weakness. Must I not be at peace with myself, +before I can once again engage in the battle of life.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 8th February.</p> + +<p class="normal">And where is the free and happy mortal who is permitted to glide +through life as on wings, whose forehead reaches the clouds, who can +say that the dust on the road of life has not touched his soul, no +barrier hemmed in his steps, or obstructed his sight, that every hour +he feels within him an eternal bliss and freedom. To few mortals has +fate awarded such a lot as awaits Morrik after his heavy trials. My +heart beats with joy when I think of the brilliant future that lies +before him. How little I grudge him his happiness; I rejoice in it. It +seems strange to me, that only a fortnight has passed since I stood +beside his bed. How much has occurred since then! When he hears my +name, he will perhaps look up wonderingly, and try to recollect where +he met me.</p> + +<p class="normal">Here I sit thinking and planning for his future, like an old woman who +after many long years is told that a friend of her youth has thriven +and prospered in life, and who says: "He has well deserved it; his +character was noble and generous; I knew him well when I was young!"</p> + +<p class="dateline">The 12th February.</p> + +<p class="normal">The wisest thing I now can do is honestly to confess my folly and then +have a good laugh at myself. How long is it since I again resolved to +be a true combattant? And now? What a heroic achievement to lay down my +arms and run away without having even the courage to desert, but to +lose heart when half way, and turn back again. Well done brave warrior! +If I did not look on the whole thing from a ludicrous point of view, I +should feel deeply ashamed of myself.</p> + +<p class="normal">Well this afternoon the air was so warm and springlike that the sun +drove me from my customary lonely walk on the Küchelberg. Not a breeze +stirred, the lizards whisked about as gaily as in summer, and there is +no foliage to afford shade; the tendrils which were formerly trained +into cooling bowers have probably a good reason of their own for not +budding as yet.</p> + +<p class="normal">I turned back, and for the first time for many days ventured on the +Wassermauer, which was not much frequented.</p> + +<p class="normal">My heart beat as though everyone already knew that I had slipped into +the society of the doomed, under false colours, and had been sent back +with a protest.</p> + +<p class="normal">I tried to find a ready answer in case anybody should ask me; "and so +you have changed your mind, and are not going to die?" All the small +sins I had committed in the belief that it was pardonable to gratify +every wish, as the wish of one dying, rose in array against me. How +impolite, how regardless of giving offence I had been to every one for +whose good opinion I did not care. There is that stout old gentleman +with a small thermometer in his button-hole, who fastens or unfastens +one of the buttons of his overcoat at every degree more or less of +cold. At first he had lectured me about my health, and I had not only +continued my imprudent courses but even, when I once met the fat +philanthropist, unconsciously let down my veil, to his great +astonishment. There is that young girl, with whom I never exchanged +another word, because after the first quarter of an hour of our +acquaintance she kissed me, and read aloud a poem which her brother had +composed. There is that lady with her two big mustachioed sons, who +with great foresight, had cautioned me against any flirtation with +them, and after all was much offended when I followed her advice and +turned my back on them; and above all the poor little chronicler of +scandal, who can now only come out by means of an arm-chair, but still +has strength enough left to rejoice over the weaknesses of her fellow +creatures. What a character she will give me, when she arrives in the +next world before me! Well I hope He who judges up yonder will be more +lenient than the good people here below. I was thinking over all this, +and feeling very much provoked at my own paltry cowardice which seemed +to flourish again and prevented me from attaining the indifference and +disdain with which I had formerly looked down on the life here, when I +reached the Winter garden, and glancing along the benches and arbours, +what I saw there put the finishing stroke on my remaining courage. +There sat bolt upright, and expanding around her the skirts of a +dazzling toilette, the lady without nerves, and beside her, silently +looking on the ground, and perfectly restored--Morrik! She was eagerly +talking to him, and he listened patiently, a kind smile even +brightening his face. I grudged her that smile, as I would have done to +no one else. I cannot express the misery I felt, the longing to be +away, never to see, or be seen of them again; never to be forced to +speak indifferently to those with whom, in the presence of death, I had +exchanged words full of weal or woe.</p> + +<p class="normal">I fled across the bridge, and along the highroad which leads through +the beautiful valley of the Adige, and after passing several villages +reaches Botzen sixteen miles off. I soon left the first village of +Untermais behind me, and then sat down on a bench, and there collected +my thoughts sufficiently to devize a plan, which though wiser than the +rest was still exceedingly foolish. If I walk on for several hours, I +thought, I shall reach Botzen to-day, and probably some carriage or +omnibus may overtake me, and give me a lift. Once at Botzen, I can +write to the people with whom I lodged, and apprize them that I was +forced to leave suddenly, send them some money, and beg them to pack my +things and forward them to me. By so doing, I should never again see +them all, and should avoid the trials and pain of leave taking in case +anyone should care about my departure--at least it will not trouble my +rest. And who will care? Perhaps the doctor, and I can write to him. I +need not be uneasy about <i>him</i> whom I once called my friend. He must +have <i>quite</i> recovered, if he can sit beside the lady without nerves, +and smile when she speaks to him in her shrill voice. When I had taken +this resolution, I felt quite satisfied, at least I fancied that I was +so; so I walked bravely on towards the south, and tried to enjoy the +fine scenery around me; the green meadows, the bare rugged mountains +with the snow glittering on their summits, the picturesque houses of +the peasants, the vineyards, the rushing streams which I passed on my +way, and above all, I tried to rejoice in the thought that I had now +put an end to all my doubts and cares, and had depended on no one but +myself. It seemed quite a relief to return home, and to hide my broken +wings. They had been too weak to soar aloft, and had not borne the test +of freedom. Is not that a common misfortune among caged birds?</p> + +<p class="normal">The sun had now set. I had passed a village the name of which I did not +know, and had there drunk a small glass of wine as, I was shivering in +my light cloak. The air was sharper than was agreeable to a patient +spoiled by the warm sun of Meran. I became more and more uneasy as I +wandered alone, along the highroad, in the twilight. I often looked +back to see if nothing was coming that might give me a lift. An omnibus +passed me, but it was crowded with smoking peasants, and did not look +inviting.</p> + +<p class="normal">After having walked on for another hour, nearly famished, and with no +shelter in view, the brave heroine who had formed such daring projects, +sat down on a stone by the way-side, and had a good cry, like any other +baby which had strayed from its home. Truly death is easy, and life is +hard!</p> + +<p class="normal">Heaven knows what would have become of me had not a lucky chance, no, +it was kind Providence, taken compassion on me. Suddenly I heard the +rolling of a light cart, and the crack of a whip, and looking up I +recognized in the charioteer, my friend of the Küchelberg, Ignatius.</p> + +<p class="normal">After scanning the lonely figure, with sharp eyes he pulled up. A +touching scene of recognition took place, which ended by Ignatius +lifting me into his cart, and driving me homewards. He had concluded +some wine business in Vilpian and was in high spirits. He was quite +satisfied with my declaration, that lost in thought, I had walked on +and so strayed far from Meran. There I sat wrapped up in coverings, and +conveyed home as speedily as possible. Fortunately we did not approach +Meran before dark, and did not meet anyone except the doctor, who came +out of a house just as we were passing through Untermais, and who +little suspected who was hiding from him in that cloak and veil. During +the drive, kind Ignatius gave me a detailed description of his conjugal +felicity, with a freedom of expression which I had to pardon on account +of the wine of Vilpian which had loosened his tongue. "Certainly," he +remarked, "Liesi still had her old propensity for setting down and +knowing better; but he had at last come to the conclusion that she +really <i>did</i> know better. A single person did so many foolish things, +but when two kept house together all was quite different. Where one was +at fault, the other succeeded, and two pair of eyes saw just twice as +sharp as a single pair could do. Then his Liese was so handy and clever +in every respect, just as he had always wished his wife to be. She +always had a kind word for him, in short, life seemed a paradise to him +since his marriage." Once he asked after the gentleman who had been +with me at Schönna. When I told him that he had quite recovered his +former health, he hummed a song, and nodded and winked at me so +mischievously that I got quite angry.</p> + +<p class="normal">The good people with whom I lodge, stared in astonishment when I told +them how far I had wandered. I then informed them that I would leave +after another week. I have been told that the passage over the Brenner +is now free from snow and the cold is not very keen. I must take +advantage of this early, and probably transient, spring for my passage +over the Alps....</p> + +<p class="normal">I now make a solemn vow that to-morrow I will do public penance for my +childish flight of to-day. I will walk on the Wassermauer, speak to my +few acquaintances and tell them how marvellously I have recovered my +health. I will confront even the lady without nerves, and see if I +cannot be restored to her favour. It would have been really too +disgraceful if I had reached Botzen. To run away like a rogue who dares +not look an honest man in the face. Then I quite forgot too that this +diary would have remained here, and who knows into whose hands it might +have fallen.</p> + +<p class="dateline">The next day--Spring has burst forth.</p> + +<p class="normal">Can one write down what the heart can neither seize, nor comprehend? I +will try.</p> + +<p class="normal">When I rose in the morning I did not in the least fear all the trials +which this day would bring me, all the test of courage I should have to +undergo in front of the enemy. Had I known what bliss was awaiting me, +I should have perhaps run away overpowered by its greatness. Yesterday +I wrote that life was hard to bear; but hardest of all for a poor weak +heart to bear, is great happiness when it has never before tasted it +from youth upwards, and is then suddenly crushed and overpowered by its +weight. It cannot cease to ask itself, "Will it not be taken from me +before my strength is equal to it?" There is one comfort however in +this, that no true happiness has to be borne alone. This deep and +heartfelt bliss can only be given us by a fellow creature, who in +bestowing it on us, shares it with us. There lie the first violets they +too bear witness to the spring which has this day come to me. I had a +refreshing rest after my long wandering of yesterday; softly rocked to +sleep by a conscience which had grown quite easy since I had firmly +resolved not to be ashamed before the world of the crime I had +committed in returning to life.</p> + +<p class="normal">When I rose the day was far advanced. While dressing my hair before the +glass I perceived that my colour was returning, and when I put on my +dress, I remarked that I could no longer wear my funereal clothes; they +have become much too tight for me and confine my chest. The old hoary +headed pedlar came in good time! It is long since I have had a fit of +vanity. But if one is to live, why not do like other women? When I had +done plaiting my hair, I came to the conclusion that after all, I did +not look so very old. I do not know how it happened, but my thoughts +then suddenly turned to the young Pole, and I began to consider what +charm was attached to me, that anyone could fall in love with, at ten +paces distance. Probably it is all a matter of taste.</p> + +<p class="normal">For the first time I was ashamed of my old-fashioned clothes, and when +putting on my hat, determined to have a new ribbon for it, before I +ventured out on my thorny walk among the strangers. And so it came to +pass that as I was going to leave my room, my head filled with finery +like that of a silly Miss in her teens, the door opened and in walked +Morrik. I verily believe that he had forgotten to knock. I was somewhat +startled, but he did not seem to notice it. He was quite absent and +shy.</p> + +<p class="normal">He did not even sit down, but walked at once to the window, and admired +the view; then examined the writing-table, and talked about rococo +furniture with the air of a connoisseur. All at once he burst forth, +and begged my pardon for the liberty he had taken in calling on me, but +that he was starting for Venice tomorrow morning, and wished to take +leave of me. He wanted also to excuse himself to me and to thank me.</p> + +<p class="normal">I sat down on the little sofa, and could find no word in reply but: +"Won't you sit down." I still had my hat on which did not appear very +hospitable but he seemed to think of nothing but how to express in +words, what weighed on his mind.</p> + +<p class="normal">"What must you have thought of me," he at last said, "when you neither +saw nor heard anything of me, after that night when you, and the doctor +watched by my bedside. But I am not quite so bad, so heartless, so +ungrateful, as you must have supposed me. The truth is that I can +recollect no more of what happened during my illness than I can +remember of an uneasy dream. I certainly fancied that I had seen you at +my bedside, that I had received the medicines from your hands, and that +it was you who had arranged my pillows. I had also a vague impression +of some strange scene between you and my bête noire, the lady without +nerves. But when I had considered it all, it appeared to me, so strange +that I quickly banished it from my mind. Had I not received the letter +from you, in which you so seriously and decidedly bade me farewell. To +be sure your landlady came daily to inquire for me, but then many other +persons did the same. Why should you not have been civil, though +everything was at an end between us. So I feared to act against your +stringent orders, by trying once more to approach you. I even doubted +whether you would not consider it as an offence if I were to write a +line to you before leaving, and send you a bouquet as is customary in +this country. You will now understand my astonishment when having +accidentally met the life preserver, I heard from her that all that had +seemed to me a dream, had actually taken place; that you had really +been my deliverer and faithful guardian, and with noble generosity, had +taken pity on my sufferings and not resented all that had estranged us, +and had so suddenly put an end to the bright and happy days of yore. +Now I can hardly thank you sufficiently. I feel quite unhappy, and +bewildered when I think of the past. I wished to tell you so yesterday, +and to clear up all that must have seemed incomprehensible to you, but +you were out when I called. Were you not told that I had been here +twice? Perhaps you would rather leave everything unexplained, as it was +before; quite without my knowledge and will. Your interest was only for +the dying man. Now that it is decided that I am to live, I am perhaps +quite as much estranged from you as when I rashly uttered the words +that pained you so much. Well, I am to leave Meran to-morrow, and you +will be freed from the constraint which my presence has caused you."</p> + +<p class="normal">What I answered; what he said, when he spoke again; how it came that +his hand held mine, and that he again called me "Marie," as he formerly +had done, how can I tell?</p> + +<p class="normal">The air seemed suddenly filled with intoxicating music, my eyes were +dazzled with the rays of heavenly light which appeared to stream +through the room. How long this ecstasy lasted I know not; all I know +is that Eternity opened before me. I had died happy and without agony, +and now I was awakened to a new life, in heaven and yet in this world; +dead to all the small cares and faintedheartedness of human life, and +arisen to the full glory of peace, everlasting trust, and the eternal +knowledge of the truth.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Come," he said at last, "you are ready for a walk; let us make our +bridal visits."</p> + +<p class="normal">I took his arm, and he first led me across the passage into the +workshop of my landlord, where the good old Meister and his apprentices +stared at us, and the Frau Meisterin hearing the news, rushed into the +room, with a frying pan, which she was just going to put on the fire, +still in her hand; she loudly sang my praises, and congratulated Morrik +on having secured such a treasure as a wife, till I at last burst out +laughing through my tears. Then we walked through the town, and he now +and then entered a shop, and bought most useless things only for the +pleasure of saying. "Send it to the lodgings of my betrothed, you know +the house of the tailor, three stairs high, next door to heaven," and +he said it all with perfect gravity.</p> + +<p class="normal">When we arrived on the Wassermauer, all the strangers were assembled as +if by appointment. The band was playing, and for the first time, it +seemed to me, that the instruments were in tune, and the musicians +keeping time.</p> + +<p class="normal">At first I felt rather embarrassed, as all eyes were upon me, but that +soon passed off, and I was infinitely amused to see how amiable and +friendly every one had suddenly become, and how pleased I was with +them. We first turned to the life preserver, and actually something +like a tear glistened in her small unmeaning eyes when Morrik kissed +her hand and told her she was as yet the only woman who had made me +jealous. This speech procured me a gracious kiss on the forehead and +the assurance that my behaviour was to be overlooked in consideration +of my jealousy, and weak nerves. Then came the lady with her two smart +sons, the sister with her brother the poet and even the fat gentleman +with the thermometer at his button-hole. From them all we received +congratulations, and they all assured us that they had known it long +ago; to which Morrik answered that in that case they had known more +than we ourselves had done; he even joked with the little <i>chronique +scandaleuse</i>, who alone persisted in treating me with icy coldness. To +a child who offered me a bunch of violets he gave his whole purse. The +sun shone, the trumpets seemed to call the spring from its winter +sleep. And yonder in the churchyard where I had chosen a sunny little +corner for my grave, the flowers were blooming, as if after having +taught us to live, death had disappeared for ever.</p> + +<p class="normal">After that, we sat together for a long time and only took leave of each +other when the sun was setting.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Darling," he said, "I have solemnly promised our tyrant the doctor, +not to see you again before next spring. Nothing he says is so +pernicious to the health of convalescents as a long betrothal between +two solitary young people. That was the reason he would never speak out +about your nursing me in my fever; although I several times very +plainly alluded to it. But you have learned how to write as I know to +my own cost, and so we shall still be united. How I shall rejoice at +the first letter from you which does not speak of leave taking but of +meeting, never to be parted again; not of death, but of a life full of +happiness."</p> + +<p class="normal">We were standing on the stairs in the twilight. We clasped each other's +hands and promised to bear this last trial cheerfully. I pressed him +once more to my heart before I had to surrender him again; but we both +firmly trusted that He who had granted us this happiness would also +grant us a future to enjoy it. We shall not in vain have passed from +death to life....</p> + +<p class="normal">I now close this journal: I will send it to you to-day, my dearest +friend, perhaps it may amuse you to peruse it on your lonely journey +when your thoughts are with me. Is not all I possess, are not all my +thoughts yours for ever? The pages contain your name more than once. +May it be a clear mirror in which our united images are reflected. I +lay this poem between the leaves, I have copied it for you, and have +placed beside it one of the violets you gave me to-day. When they bloom +again, we shall be once more united, if God permits it--and He <i>will</i> +permit it.--</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<p class="t4">Thou shall't not weep but gladdened be<br> +And bless thyself at noon, at night,<br> +When free thy soul with wond'ring glee<br> +Shall joyful taste love's deep delight.</p> +<p class="t4"> </p> +<p class="t4">Of life, the tumult all is o'er;<br> +No sounds to us from earth can soar,<br> +As heav'nward now our eyes we raise,<br> +And on the glorious stars we gaze.</p> +<p class="t4"> </p> +<p class="t4">Softly the waves of peace shall flow<br> +O'erwhelming every grief at last;<br> +And to our senses the bright glow<br> +Of endless love o'er all is cast.</p> +</div> + +<hr class="W10"> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<h1>BEATRICE.</h1> + +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h2><a name="div1_beatrice" href="#div1Ref_beatrice">BEATRICE.</a></h2> +<hr class="W10"> +<br> +<p class="normal">Night was far advanced and yet we three sat together in the cool +summer-house, conversing over some bottles of wine from Asti, which we +had discovered by a lucky chance, and were now emptying to the health +of our friend who had just returned from Italy. He was, by several +years, our senior, and had reached man's estate, when we first met him +twelve years ago, on our southern journey. His manly appearance, the +nobility of his demeanour, and a certain pensive charm in his smile had +attracted us from the first. His conversation, his universal knowledge, +and the unassuming way in which he displayed it, confirmed us in our +first impressions, and at the end of the three weeks, which we passed +together in Rome, we were united in as firm a friendship as ever +existed between men of such different ages. Then he suddenly left us; +he was summoned back to Geneva, where he was at the head of a large +commercial establishment.</p> + +<p class="normal">During the succeeding years we never missed an opportunity of meeting +again, so he had not hesitated this time to take the longer route +through our town for the sake of spending twenty-four hours in our +company.</p> + +<p class="normal">We found him unchanged in his outward appearance; he was still a +handsome man, his hair was hardly sprinkled with grey; his high +forehead was white and smooth, but he was more silent than formerly. +Sometimes he was so absent that he did not hear our questions, but +apparently absorbed in his own thoughts gazed at the wine-bubbles in +his glass, or holding a lump of ice to the candle watched it slowly +melting. We hoped to render him more communicative by making some +inquiries respecting his last journey, but finding that even this +favourite theme could not arouse him we left him to himself, and kept +up the conversation between us, happy to have him at least in the body +with us, and patiently waiting for the time when his spirit also should +return.</p> + +<p class="normal">In the meantime I poured forth all the ideas which had lately occupied +my mind. They were crude and superficial and would at any other time +have provoked a contradiction from our friend who was a sharp and keen +logician. The condition of the Italian theatre had given occasion to +this discussion. I maintained that it was not in any way surprising if +the Italians, in spite of all their pathos and passion, could not equal +the dramatic literature of Greece, England, and Germany; nor does it +stand higher in France and Spain, formerly so renowned for dramatic +glory. The temperament of the Latin races, their nature and +cultivation, are so restrained by conventionalities that the tragic +element which consists in concentrating all our interest in one single +individual is quite unintelligible to them. Nor do they venture to +liberate themselves from the trammels of form and give free course to +the spontaneous accents of nature which can alone awaken a tragic awe +in our hearts.</p> + +<p class="normal">Like every conversation on elevated subjects which does not blindly +grope on the surface of a question, so the present one soon led us to +the discussion of the most mysterious depths of human nature.</p> + +<p class="normal">Whilst Amadeus drew figures with his silver pencil in the spilt wine, +Otto warmly defended the conventionalism I had condemned, and +maintained that even fiction should be subjected to strict moral laws. +My proposition that the drama should deal with individual, and +exceptional cases, rather than with generalities, and exalt natural +laws above social ones, seemed to him pernicious and full of danger, +for, he said, the conception of a dramatic crime would then be like the +harbouring of a demon in our bosom, instigating to the contempt and +intolerance of every thing that clashed with our individual feelings +and passions. You would thereby destroy the whole social system, which +after all must have some reason for existing, in favour of the +boundless liberty of the individual. The only merit you appear to +recognize in poetry is that which is beyond the pale of every law. I +tried to make him understand that the point in question did not only +apply to the collision of the drama with outward forms; in a word that +heroic and noble souls were wont to solve the problems of duty, +otherwise than those timorous and commonplace formalists who are always +restrained by petty customs and considerations. Highly gifted natures, +who set an example proportionate to their inward strength and +greatness, extend by their actions the limits of the moral sphere; and +just so, the artist of genius breaks through, or at least extends the +limits that confine his art.</p> + +<p class="normal">If those noble souls are often actuated by pride and excessive +self-reliance, do they not atone for it by their tragical end? at least +in the eyes of those formalists who regard life as the most precious of +gifts, and who for that reason will never engage in any action, or be +led away by any opinion, which according to the laws of society must +end in death. Such, however, as are capable of understanding the +thoughts and feelings by which those noble natures are impelled, will +never resign the right of exalting them, for they cannot be meted with +the common measure of morality. They who condemn as immoral, what in +our wretched and deficient social organisation ought only to be +considered as the sacred self-defence of free and strong characters, +will never be sensible of the beautiful, or sympathize with what is +generous, they will only discern what is profitable.</p> + +<p class="normal">Thus had I spoken when suddenly Amadeus looked up from his reverie and +stretched out his hand to me across the table.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Thank you," he said, "for these true and noble words you have spoken; +they have pleased me much. Amongst us there can be no difference of +opinion as to the fact that custom is not the true standard of +morality, and that the mission which poetry fulfils lies beyond the +pale of human ordinances. I only protest against your assertion that +the deficiency of great tragical poets in Italy is to be accounted for +by the conventional fetters which restrain the character of the nation. +As if capacity of mind, fancy, morality, and the sense of the beautiful +must necessarily be equally developed; as if the one did not often +outstrip the other.</p> + +<p class="normal">"If a great tragic genius, such as they once possessed in Alfieri were +to be born again to the Italians, the spirit of the nation would not be +slow to welcome him, and academic prejudices of style, could no more +keep their ground, than enforced conformity to the law can oppose the +rights and duties of a free born soul.</p> + +<p class="normal">"No," he continued, visibly moved, and the tears glistening in his +eyes, "the hollow pathos of their tragedies is not the touchstone by +which we can judge the soul of that noble nation. I cannot hear you +say this without protesting against it, for if ever there existed a +self-dependent character, in feelings, and actions; that character was +my wife's, and she was an Italian."</p> + +<p class="normal">He paused, while we sat mute and breathless with surprise. Though we +had always presumed ourselves to be well acquainted with him, and all +related to him, we now heard for the first time that he had been +married to a woman he so highly esteemed, and yet whose existence he +had concealed as one conceals a wrong. He rose and paced the narrow and +now dusky room, and we did not disturb him either by questions or +inquiring looks.</p> + +<p class="normal">At last he stood still, and began in his deep and mellow voice: "I +never told you this because the remembrance of it has always +overpowered me, and the mere recalling of these events caused me a +fever which laid me prostrate for a week. Still it always seemed to me +as if I were wronging you, when I used jestingly to evade your +railleries on my bachelorhood. Believe me, it was principally to +redress this wrong, that I sought your society when I this time +returned from my yearly visit to her grave. Let me therefore simply +tell you all that my heart dictates to me; but first I must open this +casement; the air here is so oppressive that I breathe with difficulty. +So, now, go on with your cigars and your wine, while I walk up and +down.</p> + +<p class="normal">"A quarter of a century has passed since those events, yet they are as +present to my memory as if they had happened only yesterday; they will +not let me rest."</p> + +<p class="normal">What he confessed to us in that night, till the day dawned--and even +then we could not part--I wrote down the following day, keeping as much +as possible to his own words. Then I little thought that they were to +be his last ones, his last bequest. He had rightly judged of the power +these recollections still exercised over him; they brought on a fever, +which clung to him during his homeward journey, and was aggravated by +his exertions during a night conflagration, and a few weeks after our +meeting the news reached us that we had then seen him for the last +time.</p> + +<p class="normal">The following record is now doubly precious to me, and I can with +difficulty bring myself to allow indifferent eyes to peruse his secret. +Then again I feel it a duty to bring to light the strange fate of those +two hearts. Are not the expressions of noble and generous souls the +rightful property of humanity?...</p> + + +<hr class="W20"> + + +<p class="normal">I had reached my twenty-fifth year when my father died. Standing at his +death-bed, after witnessing his painful agony, it seemed to me that ten +years had passed over my head. My only sister who was very dear to me, +had shortly before married a young agent of our establishment, a +Frenchman, whose family had long ago settled at Geneva, and who now +entered into partnership with our firm.</p> + +<p class="normal">He was like a brother to me, and so when he and my sister urged me to +travel for several months with the hope of rallying my depressed +spirits, I took their advice in this, as in all things, and set out on +my journey, the more readily that I felt how necessary to me was some +outward diversion to my thoughts.</p> + +<p class="normal">The change of scene soon realized the hopes of my relations. Youth and +vitality were restored. I was again able to enjoy the beauties of +nature, and my taste for the fine arts, which had been awakened by my +former journeys through France and Germany and now found ample food in +Venice and Milan, whither I at first directed my steps, intending to +proceed southwards by slow journies.</p> + +<p class="normal">Above all I was impatient to reach Florence. The marvels I expected to +find there caused me to look with indifference on the many beauties of +art which I met with on my way thither. Thus I reserved only one day +for Bologna, where I took a hasty survey of the churches and galleries +in the morning, and in the afternoon I drove out to the old convent of +St. Michele at Bosco, in order to quiet my conscience by obtaining a +complete view of the wonderful old town from the summit of the hill.</p> + +<p class="normal">It was one of the hottest days in midsummer, and though I am generally +little affected by any temperature, yet the suffocating air on that +occasion completely overpowered and exhausted me. The road which leads +from St. Michele back to the town was entirely deserted. Above the +walls of the gardens the trees and bushes projected their dusty boughs. +The wheels of the carriage sank deeply into the burning sand. The +coachman drowsily nodded on his seat, and with difficulty kept his +balance. The tired horse crawled with drooping head and ears along the +edge of the road, in the hope of enjoying the scanty shade which now +and then was cast across it by a villa, or a garden-wall. I had +stretched out my weary limbs along the back seat of the carriage, and +after forming a tent above my head by means of my umbrella I fell into +a dose.</p> + +<p class="normal">Suddenly I was roused from my repose by a rough blow on my face, as if +some overhanging bough had grazed me as I passed. I started up, and +looking around, discovered a blooming spray of pomegranate lying beside +me. Evidently it had been thrown at me over the neighbouring wall. The +movement I had made seemed to be a signal to the horse to stop. The +coachman quietly slept on, so I had ample leisure to examine the spot +from whence the branch had been thrown at me. I did so all the more +carefully that I had heard from behind the high garden wall a +suppressed girlish titter at the success of the merry trick. I was not +deceived; after waiting a few moments, standing upright in the +carriage, and stedfastly gazing at the wall, I perceived a curly head +shaded by a large florentine straw hat, arise from behind it. A pair of +dark eyes, sparkling with fun underneath the solemn eyebrows, turned +towards me, and seemed to regard me as some strange animal. But when I +raised the sprig of pomegranate, and pressing it to my lips, waved it +towards the young waylayer, a deep blush suffused her face, and in the +next moment the fair vision had disappeared, so that without the branch +in my hand I should probably have believed it to be a dream. I left the +carriage and pensively walked along the side of the wall, till I +reached a high trellised gate which closed the entrance to the garden. +Between the old iron bars of massive mediæval workmanship, I could +perceive a part of the grounds of the house which stood with closed +Venetian blinds among groups of elm-trees and acacias. I shook the lock +of the gate, but it would not open; my hand had already grasped the +bell rope, when I was seized with sudden shyness at the thought of +entering these strange premises. What a figure I should cut were I +asked the reason of my intrusion. So I contented myself with patiently +waiting for several minutes in the hope of once more seeing the +youthful thrower of sprigs. In the meantime I scanned the house, which +was in no way remarkable, as attentively as if I had intended to draw +it from memory. At last the heat of the sun became unbearable, and I +returned to my umbrella tent. This roused the coachman, he jerked the +reins and away we crawled; I with my head still turned backwards, +though no trace of the fair one was to be discovered.</p> + +<p class="normal">When I reached the hotel of the three pilgrims, a heavy shower +freshened the oppressive air, and during the night the streets were so +deliciously cool and damp, that I never wearied of sauntering through +the long arcades, now stopping to drink a glass of iced water at some +coffee house; now admiring the portal of some church in the dim light +of the lamps. But in spite of the fatigue caused by this continual +walking and standing, I could find no rest till the morning dawned. I +would not believe that it was the fair young face that kept me awake, +though it continually rose before my eyes. I had always considered it a +fable that the spark from a single glance could set fire to the heart, +so I believed my restlessness to be caused by overstrained nerves.</p> + +<p class="normal">The next morning however when my hotel bill which I had ordered the +evening before was brought to me, I perceived, now that departure was +at hand, how painful it was to tear myself, away. I became pensive; +then I suddenly recollected that a friend of our firm lived in Bologna +whom I ought to visit. Generally my conscience was not over sensitive +in these matters, but now it seemed to me that this civility was of +great importance. I also reproached myself for the superficial way in +which I had looked at Raphael's St. Cecilia, not to mention several +other sins of omission. I discovered that Bologna was a most remarkable +town, and that after all Florence would always remain within reach.</p> + +<p class="normal">I finally succeeded in persuading myself that the pretty thrower of +flowers had not the slightest share in this sudden change in my plans. +Strange to say the outlines of her face, when I tried to recall them +vanished more, and more from my mind, and at last I could only remember +the expression of her eyes. During the day time while I fulfilled my +duties as a tourist, I did not feel any particular agitation, but when +the intense heat had subsided, and I directed my steps towards the +villa, as though it were a matter of course, I felt a strange +uneasiness, and I can even now recollect the songs which I sang to +raise my spirits.</p> + +<p class="normal">I soon reached the spot and found everything just as I had seen it +yesterday. The house looked more cheerful, now that the Venetian blinds +were drawn up, and on the balcony stood a little dog, who when he saw +me stop at the gate, barked furiously. I could not muster courage to +ring the bell. It seemed as if a secret presentiment warned me, and I +almost wished never to see that fair face again, and to depart early +next morning with an unscathed heart. Nevertheless I once more walked +round the boundary wall which extended for some distance, and was +bordered on the further side by some peasants' huts, and a few fields +of maize, nowhere a living creature was to be seen. I had now reached a +point where a low hedge touched the garden wall; I could easily climb +upon it, and from thence overlook the garden. As nobody appeared. I +boldly ventured. The boughs of a large evergreen oak-tree projected +beyond the wall, and I hastily scrambled up and clung to the lowest +branch for support. I could not have chosen a better place; at a +distance of hardly fifty paces I saw on the parched up lawn which now +lay in the shade, two young girls who were playing at battle door and +shuttle cock quite unconscious of being watched. One of them wore a +white dress and the broad brimmed straw hat which I had remarked the +day before. She was of middle height with a figure as straight and +slender as a young poplar tree. She moved like a bird with a graceful +agility such as I fancied that I had never before seen. Her black hair +loosened by her lively movements, flowed freely over her shoulders. The +face was very pale, only lighted up by the eyes and teeth. Suddenly the +shuttlecock was thrown awkwardly, and she burst into a merry laugh +which made my heart throb violently, and the hedge appeared to tremble +under my feet. Her play fellow was dressed like her; only with less +elegance; she seemed to be of an inferior rank.</p> + +<p class="normal">I hardly noticed her, I was wholly engrossed by her charming companion. +The way in which she lifted her arm to throw the shuttlecock, the eager +look in her eyes when she raised them to await the coming one, her +delight when the shuttlecock described a circuit in the air, the shake +of her head at any failure, every gesture was in itself a picture of +youthful charm and vigour.</p> + +<p class="normal">I clearly felt that my fate was sealed, and for the first time in my +life I surrendered myself to the sensations which overpowered and +ensnared me. In the midst of this rapture, I considered how I could +draw nearer to her without startling her, when chance--no auspicious +fate--came to my aid. The shuttlecock, which had been sent up high into +the air, flew over the top of the oak-tree under which I was concealed, +and fell at some distance into the neighbouring fields. She looked +anxiously after it. I do not know whether she then perceived me, but +when I instantly sprang after it and re-appeared on the wall with it, I +noticed that her dark eyes turned towards the place where I had stood +with an astonished and displeased expression. The other girl shrieked, +and ran up to her, whispering something which I did not understand, but +I could see by her gestures that she urged her to immediate flight The +fair creature however did not listen to her, but waited quietly till it +should please the stranger to restore her property. When I delayed, +quite absorbed in my admiration, her face assumed a haughty and defiant +look, and she turned coldly from me. I held up the shuttlecock and with +a hasty gesture entreated her to remain. Then I took from my neck a +velvet ribbon, to which was attached a gold locket in the shape of a +heart containing my sister's hair, fastened them carefully to the +feathered ball, and threw it towards her. Fortunately it fell just at +her feet, and lay on the light gravel of the walk.</p> + +<p class="normal">She took a few steps with a most stately air, and picked up the +shuttlecock; and noticing the locket she darted a quick and flashing +glance at me which pierced me to the very narrow.</p> + +<p class="normal">Her companion approached her, and seemed to make some inquiry. She did +not answer, but silently put the shuttlecock and the trinket into her +pocket, and then with inimitable dignity, waved the shuttlecock which +she held in her hand towards me thanking me, as a princess might, for +an homage due to her.</p> + +<p class="normal">Then she turned and walked slowly towards the house without once +looking back.</p> + +<p class="normal">I now had no further pretext for remaining perched on the wall, and I +dared not make another attempt to see her again on that day; and then +what would have been the use of it, had I not gained my point for the +present. She had evidently recognized me. My re-appearance sufficiently +expressed my feelings. I had laid my heart at her feet; she had +accepted it, and it was now in her possession. Ought I not to leave her +time to think over all this. I was so agitated that had I met her then, +I should only have been able to stammer out some confused words like a +person in a fever.</p> + +<p class="normal">That night I slept but little, but in the course of my life I never +again lay awake and counted the hours with so much pleasure.</p> + +<p class="normal">At day break I rose, entered the picture gallery as soon as it was open +and remained sitting before the St. Cecilia for full two hours. There I +searched my inmost soul as before a clear mirror. I felt that the spark +which had reached my heart was of the true heavenly fire, and not a +transitory illusion of the senses. Those two hours were wonderfully +sweet. It was an anticipation of future bliss and at the same time an +exceeding happiness as if she were sitting close to me, and I felt her +heart beating against mine. The St. Cecilia before me, her eyes calmly +turned heavenwards, could not have had a purer foretaste of the +celestial joys than I had that morning. Again I waited till the time +for the siesta had passed, before I turned my steps towards the villa. +But this time I did not content myself with merely looking through the +bars of the gate. I boldly pulled the bell and was not even startled by +the endless jingle it produced. The little dog rushed, barking +furiously, on the balcony, and out of a small side door, which was next +a larger glass one, issued a little man with enormous grey moustachios +which gave him a ridiculously martial appearance. He approached the +gate with evident astonishment at the unexpected visit. I repeated the +sentence without faltering which I had rehearsed previously: I was a +stranger and intended to publish a book about Italy, and amongst the +rest I wished to introduce a chapter on the country houses of Bologna. +So it was of great importance to me to be allowed to examine this +house. Particularly as it was built in the old style, and was in many +respects remarkable.</p> + +<p class="normal">The old man did not seem to understand this. "I am very sorry sir," he +replied, "but I cannot admit you. The villa belongs to General +Alessandro T.... under whose command I served. I know your country +well, sir, I marched through Switzerland under Bonaparte. Afterwards +when all was at an end and my wounds became troublesome, my general +transferred me to this quiet post; and when he married for the second +time, he entrusted his daughter to my care, for you well know sir, how +it is when the daughter is handsomer than the young step-mother. So we +live here in great retirement, but the Signorina wants for nothing, for +her papa sends her some handsome present nearly every week; the best +masters come to teach her singing and languages, and my own daughter is +an excellent companion for her. Only she never goes up to town, her +step-mother does not care to have her there, but that does not distress +her, so long as her father is allowed to come and see her, once a +month. Every time he comes, he enjoins me over and over again to keep +his child as the apple of my eye. And on the Sundays when she goes to +hear mass, Nina and I accompany her and never lose sight of her. What +do you expect to see in this old house? I assure you it does not differ +in any respect from other villas, and nothing remarkable grows in the +garden. There is no need to put us in some book; what would my master +say to it. Possibly I might lose my situation notwithstanding my old +age."</p> + +<p class="normal">I tried to appease him, and succeeded if not with words, at least by +pressing a gold piece into his hand.</p> + +<p class="normal">"I see," he resumed, "you are an honest young man, and would not be the +ruin of an old soldier. If you persist in your wish, I will lead you +through the house, so that you may satisfy your curiosity. I can do so +the more easily, that the Signorina is just now at her singing lesson, +so she will not know that I have admitted a stranger."</p> + +<p class="normal">He unlocked the gate with a heavy key and preceeded me towards the +house. The ground floor partly consisted of a large cool hall, from +which the sun was shut out by closed Venetian blinds, and heavy +curtains. True to my assumed character, I begged him to let in some +light so that I might see the different paintings which hung on the +walls. They were all family portraits of little value; only one of them +which hung above the chimney piece engrossed my attention. "This is the +mother of the Signorina," said the old man, "I mean the real mother, +who has been dead these fifteen years. She was a handsome woman; the +people here called her the beautiful saint. Her daughter is very like +her, only she is more cheerful. She resembles a bird, who always merry, +hops up and down in its cage."</p> + +<p class="normal">"She seems to possess the voice of a bird, as well," I remarked, with +all the indifference I could assume, "if that is hers which we now hear +above us."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You are right," said the old man. "The director of the Opera in town +comes here twice a week. When her papa (<i>il babbo</i> he called him) pays +her his monthly visit, he always stays many hours, and she sings all +her new songs to him, and then the poor old gentleman feels as happy as +if he were in Paradise. He has not many joys, and without that child he +were better in another world."</p> + +<p class="normal">"What is the matter with him," I asked, "is he ill?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"As you take it;" replied the old man, with a shrug of his shoulders; +"I for my part would prefer death to such a life. For those who knew +him when he was still in the army--the giant of Giovanni de Bologna on +the market-place, does not look more high spirited, and chivalrous, +than did my general--And now! it breaks my heart to think of it. The +whole day long he sits in his arm-chair by the window, and cuts out +pictures or plays at dominoes--It seems as if he neither heard nor saw, +but when his wife speaks to him, he looks up timidly and nods +acquiescence to everything she says. Only with regard to the Signorina +he has remained the same, and is not easily to be deceived. Those who +attempted it would soon perceive that the old lion's paws have still +some strength left in them although his claws have been cut."</p> + +<p class="normal">"But how came he to sink into that melancholy condition?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"No one knows. Many things have occurred in this house but the outer +world only whispers them. My belief is, that, that woman; I mean to say +her Excellency, the young Signora struck his heart a deadly blow and he +has never recovered from it. So he drags on the burden with which he +has loaded himself, as a resolute old soldier bears hunger and thirst +though he should dwindle to a shadow. Well, well, these are old stories +now, and cannot be altered."</p> + +<p class="normal">During this conversation we had ascended the stair, and were +approaching the room from which the singing proceeded. The voice had a +crude inflexible sound; it was a high youthful even boyish soprano. It +seemed as if she sang only to give utterance to her thoughts perfectly +careless of the sound.</p> + +<p class="normal">"What is the Signorina's name?" I asked, when we had reached the top of +the stairs.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Beatrice. We call her 'Bicetta.' Oh what a priceless heart is hers! My +Nina often says to me, 'Father,' she says, 'if the Signorina is to wait +for a husband worthy of her she will remain unmarried.' See here, Sir; +this is her sitting-room. There are her books. She often sits up half +the night, Nina says, and reads them in many languages. Adjoining is +the little bedroom where the two girls sleep. That picture there, above +her bed, represents my poor master in his General's uniform as he used +to lead us into action. That small figure in the background who +brandishes his musket is me, says the Signorina, and she has lately +added the grey moustachioes to give it more resemblance. But come away +Sir, there is nothing remarkable, in here, the furniture is old. The +General once wanted to furnish it anew, but the child would not hear of +it because everything had been left just as it was when her deceased +mother passed the first summer of her married life in this house. There +on the balcony she used of an evening to sit rocking her child's +cradle, and waiting for the return of her husband when he had gone to +town on business."</p> + +<p class="normal">I stept out strangely moved and stooped to caress the little dog who +wagged his tail and licked my hand. Every word which the faithful old +man spoke added fuel to the fire which burnt in my breast, and the +voice in the adjoining room fanned the flame with its breath.</p> + +<p class="normal">Fearing to betray myself, I talked of the way in which the grounds were +laid out, about the inlaid table of mosaic work, which stood in the +middle of the room; of the faded fresco painting on the ceiling. I +could not tear myself away though my guide grew impatient.</p> + +<p class="normal">Suddenly the singing ceased; the door was thrown open, and she appeared +on the threshold, holding a sheet of music in her hand. She had never +been so near me, yet I did not discern her features more distinctly +than I had done before.</p> + +<p class="normal">Everything seemed to dance before my eyes I only remarked at the first +glance that she wore my locket round her neck.</p> + +<p class="normal">The old man started back at her appearance and stammered out some +clumsy excuse, at the same time stealthily pulling at my coat.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Never mind, Fabio," she said, "you can shew the gentleman all over the +house, and through the grounds, if he cares to see them." Then turning +to her companion, who sat on a low chair with some embroidery in her +hand; "You can go with them, Nina. But stay I will first tell you +something." She whispered some words to her, her eyes always fixed on +me, and then bowed gracefully, to me, who could not utter a word. In so +doing she pressed her right hand as if involuntarily on her locket, +then returned to her singing-master, who had watched this interlude +with curious eyes, and the lesson was quietly resumed whilst we three +ascended the next flight of stairs. The old man's daughter walked +before us and at every turn of the steps, she examined me with a +pensive look but did not speak a word. Only when we had entered the +garden, she said to her father: "Bicetta charged me to pluck two +oranges for the gentleman. She thought he might be thirsty after his +long walk. We will pass by the fountain where they are ripest." I +followed them as if in a trance, and looked up at the house towards the +window from whence we could still hear her voice. The blind was +partially drawn up, so I could perceive her standing in the apartment. +I fancied that she turned, and followed me with her eyes. Nina also +looked up, and then at me. I did not care to hide my feelings from her, +I even wished to make them known to her. But as her father was present +I could only whisper to her, when we reached the gate and she gave me +the oranges: "Express my thanks to the Signorina, and tell her that she +will hear more of me. Give back one of these oranges to her, and tell +her when she eats it...."</p> + +<p class="normal">But before I could finish the sentence the old man came close to us. He +took leave of me with much less amiability than he had admitted me.</p> + +<p class="normal">I repeated my promise not to betray him, but another suspicion seemed +to weigh on his mind, for his honest face remained gloomy.</p> + +<p class="normal">I passed the night in writing a long letter in which I disclosed to her +the state of my feelings and placed my future happiness in her hands. +Even in those moments of absorbing passion the step which I was blindly +taking appeared to me somewhat wild and romantic, but I took up the +orange which lay beside me on the table, pressed it to my lips, and +closing my eyes represented her to my imagination as she stood on the +threshold, gave me that long and loving look, and bowed laying her hand +on the locket.</p> + +<p class="normal">After having written the letter I slept very quietly, and only awoke +when it was broad daylight. I again waited for the approach of evening +before I took the decisive walk as my own letter carrier.</p> + +<p class="normal">Fortune smiled on me. I had composed a most impressive speech, with +which I hoped to persuade the old man in case he refused to deliver the +letter. But this time Nina came to open the gate. The intelligent girl +did not seem the least astonished at my reappearance. She took the +letter unhesitatingly, but when I asked her if she thought the +Signorina would send an answer, she assumed a diplomatic tone, and +said: "Who can tell?" I told her that I would return to-morrow at the +same hour, and begged her to await me at the gate, so that I need not +ring the bell and let her father into the secret.</p> + +<p class="normal">"My father!" she exclaimed laughingly. "We are not afraid of him. +Bicetta need only smile on him and then she can twist him round her +little finger in spite of his savage air--Come somewhat later +to-morrow; we have our drawing lesson just at this hour, and cannot +send away the master for your sake. Will you do so?"</p> + +<p class="normal">A carriage now rapidly approached the gate. I had just time to whisper +"yes" to the girl before she silently vanished. Then I hastened away +for I did not wish to be seen before that gate.</p> + +<p class="normal">The carriage drew up before the house and my greybearded friend, the +steward, jumped from his seat beside the coachman and assisted a tall +white haired old gentleman to descend from the carriage. I recognized +him at once to be Beatrice's father from the resemblance of their +features. He walked with unsteady steps, stooping forward, and rubbing +his hands, while a delighted smile overspread his countenance. A +footman took a basket of flowers, and several parcels from the +carriage, and carried them after him. I pressed close to the wall so +that I escaped notice, and at the same time could watch the whole +scene. Before the bell had been rung, the door flew open, and the +slender white figure of Bicetta clung to her father, who threw his arms +round her neck with a touching tenderness, and partly walking partly +carried by him she disappeared into the house with the old gentleman. +The others followed, and with a pang of envy I saw the gate close +behind them. How the remaining hours of that day, and the following +night passed I know not. It seemed to me that a constant twilight +surrounded me, a sweet lethargy overpowered me, and a celestial harmony +filled my soul. Strange to say though I generally felt little assurance +in my intercourse with women notwithstanding my reputation as a good +looking young fellow, this time I confidently awaited the decision of +my fate, no more doubting that I possessed her heart than I doubted +that the sun would rise on the morrow. Only the hours that must pass +before I could hear it from her own lips, appeared endless to me. I +must here mention an adventure which I had next day in one of the +churches. As I roved about the streets hoping by continual movement to +restrain my impatience, almost unconsciously I entered a church. +Neither paintings, nor pillars, nor the people who knelt before the +altars could awaken any interest in me at that moment. My thoughts were +far away, and I even forgot to tread softly though mass was going on, +till the angry mutterings of ah old woman made me aware of my unseemly +behaviour. So I stood still behind a pillar, and listened to the music +of the organ and the tinkling of the bells, and inhaled the smoke of +the incense.</p> + +<p class="normal">As I absently surveyed the kneeling multitude--I, the son of a rigid +calvinist, of course abstained from that devout practice.--I remarked +on one of the more retired chairs, just in front of me, a pair of dark +blue eyes, underneath a white brow, surrounded by auburn curls. Those +eyes were fastened on me, and never changed their direction during the +whole service.</p> + +<p class="normal">I confess that at any other time I would have replied to that mute +appeal, but on that morning I was perfectly insensible to any +allurement, and should probably have left the church if I had not +feared to cause a second disturbance. When mass was ended, the handsome +woman hastily rose, drew her lace veil over her head, and walked +straight up to me. Her figure was faultless, perhaps somewhat too +plump, but the agile grace of her movements gave her a very youthful +appearance. In the white ungloved hand which held her veil together, +she carried a small fan with a mother of pearl handle. When she was +close to me, she partly opened this fan, and moved it carelessly, +whilst her eyes were fixed on mine with a quiet but significant gaze. +When I appeared not to understand her, she tossed up her head, smiled +haughtily, so that her white even teeth glittered, and rustled past me. +A moment later I had forgotten this interlude; yet all my joy had +suddenly vanished. As the evening approached, I felt more and more +uneasy, and when the appointed hour struck I dragged myself towards the +villa like a criminal who is to appear before his judge. I started back +when instead of Nina, whom I had expected I found her father waiting +for me at the gate. But the old man though he looked very morose, +nodded when I appeared and beckoned to me to approach. "You have +written to the Signorina," he said, with a shake of his head, "why have +you done so? If I had thought you would do such a thing, you should +never with my consent have entered the house. Oh, my poor dear +Master--after all my promises to him--and who knows what will be the +end of it. I dare not think of it all."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Dear old friend," I replied, "nothing shall be done behind your back. +Had you been at home yesterday, I would certainly have given you the +letter, and as for that, you could have read it and convinced yourself +that my intentions are most honourable. But tell me, for heaven's +sake?" ....</p> + +<p class="normal">"Come now," he interrupted, "do not let us waste our time. You are an +honourable young man, and besides, how can such a poor old fool as I +am, prevent these things, even if I tried it. Believe me, sir, she is +the mistress, in spite of her youth. When she says: 'I will!' no one +can resist her. Now, she will see you; she wishes to speak to you +herself."</p> + +<p class="normal">All my senses reeled at these words; I had hardly dared to hope for a +letter and now this!--</p> + +<p class="normal">The old man himself seemed moved when I impetuously pressed his hand. +He led me towards the house, and as on the previous occasion we entered +by the side-door into the large hall on the groundfloor. This time all +the curtains and jalousies were opened, to let in the red glow of the +setting sun; two chairs stood opposite the chimney, and from one of +them the figure of the girl, so dear to me, arose and took a few steps +towards me. She held a book in her hand and between its leaves I saw my +letter. Her abundant hair was tied up this time and a black ribbon was +twined through it. On her neck I again noticed my locket.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Fabio," she said, "open the door towards the garden, and wait on the +terrace in case I should have some orders for you."</p> + +<p class="normal">The old man bowed respectfully, and obeyed. In the meantime we stood +motionless beside each other, and my heart beat so violently that I +could not utter a word. Her eyes were fixed on mine with a grave +expression partly of inquiry, and partly of wonder.</p> + +<p class="normal">A last she regained her full composure, and appeared to understand what +a moment before had been unintelligible to her. She stretched out her +hand which I eagerly seized, but dared not press to my lips.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Come and sit down beside me," she said, "I have much to tell you. Do +you see this portrait before us? It is my mother's; she died long ago. +When I got your letter I sat down before her and asked her what answer +I ought to give you. It seemed to me that she assented to nothing but +the truth. And the truth is, that from the moment I saw you in the +carriage, all my thoughts went with you, and there they will remain +till I die." I cannot express what I felt at these simple words. I fell +on my knees before her, seized both her hands and covered them with +kisses and tears.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Why do you weep," she asked and tried to raise me. "Are you not happy? +I am full of joyfulness. I have suffered much, but now all is blotted +out. Now I only know that we are firmly united and I can never again be +unhappy."</p> + +<p class="normal">She rose, I sprang up. Intoxicated with joy, I tried to press her to my +heart, but she gently stepped back.</p> + +<p class="normal">"No, Amadeus," she said, "that must not be. You now know that I am +yours, and will never be taken from you by any other man; but let us be +calm. I have considered the matter during the long night that has +passed. You cannot come here any more. I have promised it to poor +Fabio. This is the first, and the last time that we meet here. If you +repeated your visit I should soon have no other will but yours, and I +will never dishonour my father's name. Listen, you must go to him, you +will find no difficulty in introducing yourself in his house, so many +young men," she added with a sigh, "even perfect strangers are received +there. When he knows you more intimately, and has given you his +confidence, then demand my hand. You may also tell him that we know +each other and that I will never marry any other than you: All the rest +leave to me, and above all promise not to speak of this to my +stepmother; she does not love me, does not wish me to be happy. Oh, +Amadeus, is it possible that you can love me as much as I love you? Did +you not feel the first time we met, as if a flash of lightning had +fallen from heaven, as if the earth trembled and the trees and bushes +were on fire! I do not know how it occurred to me to throw a branch of +blossoms on the stranger who slept underneath his umbrella. I could not +even see your face; it was a childish trick, and I repented if it a +moment later; yet an irresistible impulse made me look once more over +the wall, and then when I saw you standing in the carriage and waving +the branch of pomegranate blossoms towards me, I was seized as with a +fever and from that moment you have always been before me whatever I +do."</p> + +<p class="normal">I had led her back to her chair, and holding her hand in mine, I told +her how I had passed the last few days. She did not look at me while I +spoke so that I could only see her fair profile. Every part of her +face, even the pure and spiritual palor of her complexion, and the +violet shade under her eyes, were full of expression. Then I too became +silent, and felt the warm blood rush through the delicate veins of the +small hand that lay clasped in mine.</p> + +<p class="normal">Old Fabio discreetly looked in, and asked if we wished for some fruit.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Later," she replied, "or are you now thirsty, Amadeus?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"To drink from your lips," I whispered.</p> + +<p class="normal">She shook her head, and looked grave, as she knit her finely pencilled +eyebrows.</p> + +<p class="normal">"You do not love me," I said.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Far too well," she replied with a sigh.</p> + +<p class="normal">Then she rose. "Let us walk round the garden," she said, "before the +sun is quite set. I will pluck some oranges for you. This time I need +not bid Nina do so."</p> + +<p class="normal">So we walked on, and she holding fast by my hand, asked me about my +country, my parents, and if the hair in the locket were my own. When I +told her that my sister had given it to me, she enquired after her. "We +will go and see her," she said, "she must love me, for I already love +her. But we cannot stay there. My father cannot live without me, I am +his only joy. You will come to Bologna with me, will you not?" I +promised all she desired. Nothing seemed impossible to me now that one +miracle had been performed, and she looked upon me with the eyes of +love. After that she became exceedingly merry, and we laughed and +chatted as happy as children, and ended by throwing oranges at each +other. "Come," she said, "let us have a game at battledore and +shuttlecock. Nina shall play with us, though she almost makes me +jealous, by constantly speaking of you. See, how she slips away, as if +she feared to disturb us. Might not heaven, and earth, and all mankind +listen to what we say?"</p> + +<p class="normal">She called her companion, and the good girl came up to us, gave me her +hand and said: "I hope, you will deserve your happiness. I would have +grudged her to any man but you. If you do not make her happy, Signor +Amadeo, then beware!"</p> + +<p class="normal">This menace was accompanied by so vehement and tragic a gesture that we +both laughed, and she herself joined us.</p> + +<p class="normal">On the lawn, where I had seen the girls at their play, we now all three +threw the feathered balls, and were soon as much engrossed with our +game, as if we had never had any more serious thought in our lives, and +had not decided on all our future happiness an hour before.</p> + +<p class="normal">Papa Fabio did not appear again. When the shade grew deeper the two +girls accompanied me to the gate. I was dismissed without a kiss from +those dear and lovely lips. I could only seize her hand through the +bars and press a parting kiss on it.</p> + +<p class="normal">What an evening! what a night! The people of the hotel probably thought +I was somewhat crackbrained, or an Englishman, which in their eyes +comes much to the same thing.</p> + +<p class="normal">On my way back I bought a large basket full of flowers which was +carried after me by the flower-girl. These I strewed about my room. I +ordered several bottles of wine, and threw a five franc-piece to a +violin-player in the street. Then I went to sleep in the refreshing +night air which entered by the open windows. I still remember the +sensations I had during my sleep, as if the vibration of the +terrestrial globe as it proceeded on its aerial course were re-echoed +by the pulsations of my heart.</p> + +<p class="normal">Not till the following morning did I remember that some obstacles had +to be surmounted before I could take possession of what was already +mine. I must get introduced to her father; and would he confide in me +with the same readiness that his daughter had done? Whilst I sauntered +through the arcades of Bologna considering these matters, propitious +fortune again came to my aid. I met the correspondent of our firm whom +I had visited the second day after my arrival; he was greatly +surprised, as he did not expect to find me still in Bologna. I alleged +some news I had received from my brother-in-law, as an excuse for my +prolonged stay. I said that a plan had been formed to found a branch +establishment of our business in Italy, with particular reference to +Bologna. My departure was necessarily delayed for an indefinite period, +and in the meantime it was my duty to form acquaintances in town. +Amongst the names of other distinguished families, I mentioned the +General's. Our friend did not know him personally, but a young cousin +of his, a priest was a frequent visitor at his house, and would +willingly introduce me. "But beware of the dangerous eyes of the lady +of the house," he continued, "for though she has not the reputation of +treating her admirers with much cruelty, yet your attentions would be +wasted, for the young count her present adorer, does not seem at all +inclined to relinquish his conquest."</p> + +<p class="normal">I joined in this bantering as well as I could, and we then made +arrangements for an introduction.</p> + +<p class="normal">In the evening of the same day I met the young priest by appointment at +one of the Cafés, and he then accompanied me to the general's house +which was situated in a very quiet street. It was a Palazzo of very +unpretending exterior, but furnished most luxuriously within. Thick +carpets covered the corridors through which we passed to reach the +apartment where every night a small circle of habitués assembled.</p> + +<p class="normal">Prelates of every rank, military men, several patricians, but only men, +formed the society. The young abbate never tired of expatiating on the +happiness of the fortunate mortals who were admitted to the intimacy of +that house. "What a woman," he sighed. He seemed to hope that his turn +would also come some day.</p> + +<p class="normal">When I entered I first perceived the old General. He sat in an +arm-chair, and opposite to him an old canon; between them stood a small +table on which they were playing at dominoes. On a low stool beside the +general lay a pair of scissors and some sheets of paper, on which were +depicted little soldiers; these he cut out, when he could not find a +partner for his game. A lamp hung above him, and in the full light, I +again remarked the astonishing likeness of his features to those of +Beatrice. I had hardly spoken a few polite words to the old gentleman, +who responded to them with a childish and good-natured smile, when my +companion hurried me away. I followed him into a small boudoir, where +the lady of the house was reclining on a couch, while a tall much +adorned young coxcomb sat on a rocking chair by her side; they both of +them seemed rather bored by this tête-à-tête. He was languidly turning +over the leaves of an album, and the fair lady embroidering some many +coloured cushion, and now and then she caressed with the point of her +brocaded slipper a large Angora cat which lay at her feet.</p> + +<p class="normal">By the subdued light of the sconces, reflected by numberless mirrors, I +did not at first recognize in the lady before me the fair devotee of +that morning in church, although the same mother of pearl fan lay on a +table near her.</p> + +<p class="normal">She was more quick sighted than I, and started up so vehemently at my +approach, that she lost her comb and her abundant hair fell over her +shoulders. The cat awoke and purred, the tall young man cast a +piercing look at me, and I myself was so startled as I recognized her, +that I was most thankful for my little companion's volubility. She +remained silent for a while, and looked at me with that same stedfast +gaze--which had made me feel uncomfortable in the church.</p> + +<p class="normal">Only when she observed the rudeness of the count, who tried to ignore +my presence, her face grew more animated. In a low caressing voice, +which was the most youthful part of her, she invited me, after +dislodging the cat, to sit down beside her. Then turning towards the +young man; "You can look over the music which I received to-day from +Florence, count, I will sing afterwards and you can accompany me."</p> + +<p class="normal">The young exquisite seemed inclined to rebel, but a severe look from +her blue eyes subdued him, and we soon heard him strike some accords on +the piano in the outer saloon.</p> + +<p class="normal">The young abbate was employed in cutting the leaves of some new French +novel, so I alone was left to court our fair hostess. Heaven knows I +envied them, and above all the old canon at his game of dominoes. From +the first words I exchanged with this woman, I felt an invincible +dislike to her, which increased in proportion to the efforts she made +to attract me. I had to summon all my prudence to keep up an appearance +of politeness, and to listen attentively to her remarks. My thoughts +were far away in the saloon of the villa, and between those glib and +clever words, I still heard the soft voice of my darling and saw her +eyes fixed on mine with a sad expression.</p> + +<p class="normal">In spite of this absence of mind and heart, the fair lady did not +appear to be displeased with my first attempt. She probably imputed my +embarrassment to a very different cause, and the fact that I had sought +to be introduced in her house, she certainly construed in her favour.</p> + +<p class="normal">She praised my fluency in the Italian language, but remarked that I had +a Piemontese accent, that I could not find a better opportunity of +correcting this, than by frequently joining her friendly circle. Then +she begged me to consider her house as my own, provided my evenings +were not otherwise engaged. She had melancholy duties to perform, she +said with a sigh, and a glance towards the adjoining room, from whence +was heard the good natured laughter of the old gentleman as he had won +his game. Her life, she continued, only began with the evening hours; I +certainly was very young, and the society of a sad woman, grown grave +before her time, would hardly attract me. But so sincere a friend as I +should find in her was worth some sacrifice. I greatly resembled one of +her brothers, who had been very dear to her, and whom she had early +lost. She had noticed this likeness in the church, and for this reason, +she warmly thanked me for my present visit. She cast down her eyes with +well assumed embarrassment and then with a smile stretched out her hand +to me which I slightly touched with my lips. "As a pledge of +friendship," she said in an undertone.--Fortunately some new arrivals +spared me an answer which could not have been sincere. The new comers +were dignitaries of the church, men of the world, who treated me, as +they would an old acquaintance. The count also returned and whispered a +few words to her. She arose and we all followed her into the saloon +where the piano stood. She sang the new airs and her Cicisbeo +accompanied her.</p> + +<p class="normal">Her fine voice poured forth trills and cadences and I could remark that +between times she glanced towards the dark corner where I leaned +against the wall, and mechanically joined in the general applause, at +the end of every song.</p> + +<p class="normal">My thoughts wandered to the villa where I had heard another voice so +dear to me. Liveried servants entered noiselessly, and offered ices and +sorbets on small silver trays; the music ceased and an animated +conversation commenced. The old general now appeared leaning on his +stick, and seemed delighted at having won six games consecutively. He +asked me if I ever played at dominoes, and on my replying in the +affirmative, he invited me to return next evening, and try my luck with +him. He then called his valet as it was his usual hour for retiring to +rest. This was the signal for departure. I obtained a significant smile +from the lady of the house, and I hastened to leave the rooms before +the rest of the company. I longed for solitude to shake off the +unpleasant impressions of the evening. Yet I could not get rid of these +sensations till next day at dusk, when I again directed my steps +towards the villa. I well knew that I should not be admitted, but I +hoped, between the bars of the gate, to catch a glimpse of her dress or +of the ribbon on her straw-hat.</p> + +<p class="normal">I found her on the balcony alone, and her eyes were turned towards the +road as if she expected me. For a short while we were contented to +express our feelings by looks and gestures. Then she signalled to me +that she would come down, and a moment later she issued from the +lateral door, and approached me blushing with love and happiness. She +gave me her hand between the bars, but when I asked her if she would +not admit me, she shook her head gravely, and laying her hand on her +heart, she said, "Are you not here, nevertheless?" We were soon engaged +in exchanging sweet and childish words of love, till I told her of my +yesterday's visit to her father. When I spoke affectionately of him, +she suddenly seized my hand, and before I could prevent it had pressed +it to her lips. I did not mention his wife, and her unseemly behaviour. +She understood my silence. "Return to him," she said, "and do all you +can to please him; he cannot fail to love you." Finally, when I begged +her for a kiss, she approached her cheek to the bars, but hearing the +trot of a horse coming down the road, she speedily fled. So I had to +leave her with an unsatisfied longing in my heart. I confess that for +the first time I doubted the strength of her love. I knew how strictly +girls in Italy keep back their feelings, only to give them more free +course when they are once married. But why grudge me a kiss from her +lips even when separated by the bars of a gate. Then again I thought of +all she had said to me, and of the looks which had accompanied her +words and felt tranquilized.</p> + +<p class="normal">Of course in the evening I punctually appeared in the General's rooms, +and he ordered me at once to the dominoe table. The company was much +less numerous than the day before. The old canon when I took his place +retired to a niche near the window, and was soon snoring comfortably.</p> + +<p class="normal">This time the lady of the house did not remain in the boudoir, but sat +on a sofa not far from our table, greatly to the annoyance of her +adorer who sat sulkily opposite to her. She had given him a novel, and +she bade him read to her. He made many blunders, and last threw down +the book with an oath, common in this country but certainly not fit for +drawing room society.</p> + +<p class="normal">The lady then rose and beckoned to him to follow her into the next +room, where a passionate but whispered dispute took place. We heard +that she threatened never to receive him in her house again unless he +altered his behaviour.</p> + +<p class="normal">The old gentleman who had been very happy at is success in the game, +listened for a moment. "What can be the matter?" he asked. I shrugged +my shoulders. A strangely anxious look passed over his face. He sighed, +and for a moment seemed irresolute as to whether or not he ought to +interfere. Then he sank back in his chair, and appeared to be lost +in dreams. The canon awoke, took a pinch of snuff and offered his +snuff-box to the General; this restored his equilibrium, and we resumed +our game. When I at last rose to depart, he begged me to return soon; +he preferred me as a partner, to the old canon. These words were spoken +in a most amiable tone and accompanied by a cordial pressure of the +hand. Altogether in spite of his weaknesses, he still retained the +manners of a gentleman of the old school. His wife dismissed me more +coldly than the night before, but this seemed to me to be only for the +count's sake with whom in the meantime a reconciliation had taken +place.</p> + +<p class="normal">I was right. The following evening, when the count was prevented by +some excursion from appearing at his usual post, her efforts to lure me +into her nets were redoubled. I assumed the character of an +unsuspecting young man who from sheer respect neither hears, nor sees, +nor understands anything, but she was evidently not duped by it. +Probably the unsuccessfulness of her efforts provoked her, and incited +her to conquer at any price my real or feigned coldness. She was so +carried away by her vexation that she lost all command of her feelings, +and could not master them even when the count returned. Of course all +the rest of the company noticed how matters stood. The correspondent of +our house did not neglect to inform me of the rumours which were +current in the town. He congratulated me on my good fortune, and little +guessed how uncomfortable I felt at his words. I perceived that I must +no longer delay in declaring my real intentions.</p> + +<p class="normal">A conversation I had with the young count precipitated this decision.</p> + +<p class="normal">One evening when I returned to my hotel I found him waiting for me. He +saluted me with frigid politeness and requested me in a curt, and +concise manner either to discontinue my visits at the General's house, +or to expect an encounter of a different nature. Being a stranger I was +probably unacquainted with the customs of the country, otherwise he +would not have taken the trouble of giving me warning.</p> + +<p class="normal">I begged him to wait twenty-four hours, and he would then perceive how +absurd was any idea of rivalry between us. He looked surprised, but as +I did not give any further explanation, he bowed and departed.</p> + +<p class="normal">Early the next morning, for I knew the old gentleman was up betimes, I +asked for an interview with him, and was ushered into his bed-room, +where he sat smoking a long Turkish pipe. He was rummaging in several +card boxes in which all his treasures consisting of cut out pictures +lay around him. When he saw me he stretched out his hand with evident +pleasure, thanked me for visiting him in the morning, and offered me a +pipe. When I declined this he pressed me to accept as a token of +remembrance several cut out soldiers on which he set particular store. +I felt heavy at heart when I reflected that my future happiness +depended on this poor old man. But to my astonishment the expression of +his face completely changed when I mentioned his daughter. He became +grave and silent, and only the intent look in his eyes betrayed, that +even on this theme, he could with difficulty collect his thoughts, I +concealed nothing from him. Beginning with our first meeting, I related +every circumstance up to the last hours. He now and then nodded +acquiescence, and when I told him of my love for her his eyes glistened +and he raised them heavenward with a deep emotion which shed a sort of +glory over his features.</p> + +<p class="normal">Then I spoke to him of my circumstances and expressed the very natural +wish to take my young wife--provided he should entrust his child to +me--to my own home; assuring him however, that I was quite willing to +remain in his neighbourhood for several years, as I could never tear +her from him. He seized both my hands when I said this, and pressed +them with more vigour than I could have believed possible in so weak +and worn out an old man. Then he drew me into his arms, and without a +word kissed me till his strength failed him, and he sank back into his +chair. After remaining so for a few moments he made a sign to me to +help him to rise, and when he had regained his feet, he said: "I +entrust this treasure to you my son, and thank my God, that I have +lived to see this day. Come we will go and tell it to my wife. From the +first moment I saw you I felt sure that you had a kind heart. If I had +ten daughters I could not see them better provided for. But did you +ever see such a naughty child? Fie, fie, Bicetta! meeting a lover when +your old babbo's back is turned, but they are all alike when love is in +question, and where their heart is concerned they are not to be +trusted, no, not one!"</p> + +<p class="normal">He sighed and his face took an expression partly of anxiety, partly of +sorrow. Perhaps some recollection troubled his mind. A moment after he +again embraced me, pulled my hair, called me a traitor and a hypocrite, +and finally seizing my hand, he drew me towards his wife's apartment, +which was situated at the other side of the house.</p> + +<p class="normal">In the ante-room a maid advanced to meet us; she looked at me with +wondering eyes, and only admitted the General to her mistress' room, +after having first announced him. She then begged me to wait as her +mistress was not yet dressed for receiving. I heartily rejoiced at +this, though the time I had to wait seemed interminable.</p> + +<p class="normal">I could not distinguish what was said in the adjoining room, but the +General spoke in a louder and more commanding tone than I had ever +heard from him before. A long and hurried whispering followed, till at +last the door opened, and the General issued forth erect, and +triumphant as if he had won a battle.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Beatrice is yours my son, the affair is decided. My wife sends her +best wishes to you! At first she made some ridiculous objections. You +see a cousin of ours, a young fop who is now in Rome, said to her +before he left. 'Keep Bicetta for me, I will marry her on my return.' +This was only in fun, but you and I, we are in earnest, so you shall +have her Amadeo. It is true," he continued, with a sigh, "that I let +many things take their course, I am an old man, and the reins often +drop from my hands, but on some occasions Amadeo, I take up arms again +and then I am not to be daunted. I now solemnly promise you that +Beatrice shall be yours. Come back this evening; you will find her +here. Embrace me my son, make her happy; she deserves to be rewarded a +thousand fold for the love she bears her old father."</p> + +<p class="normal">He only left me at the top of the stairs after folding me once more in +his arms.</p> + +<p class="normal">When I returned in the evening, I found the house brilliantly +illuminated. In the ante-room many people were assembled who eyed me +with curiosity. In the drawing-room the old General sat in his usual +place, and the Canon opposite to him, but to-day the dominoes lay +untouched on the marble table, for on her father's knees sat his +daughter, simply dressed, without any ornaments, only pomegranate +blossoms in her hair. Her arms were twined round the old man's neck as +if she felt uneasy in this society, and took refuge with her only +friend. When she saw me enter, she glided from her seat and stood +motionless as a statue before me till I took her hand. She cast a rapid +glance at the sofa where her step-mother sat, brilliantly attired, her +hair flowing over her beautiful bare shoulders, her round white arm +reclining on a crimson cushion. She evidently intended to outshine the +slender maidenly beauty of the young girl. At her side sat the tall +young count, who had now recovered the phlegmatic insolence of a +supreme sovereign. He nodded to me with a gracious condescension.</p> + +<p class="normal">When I turned towards them holding my betrothed by the hand, I noticed +a sudden palor on the woman's face, but she greeted, and congratulated +me with a most winning smile; offered me her hand to kiss, and then +embraced Bicetta who submitted to it with an impassive face; only the +trembling of her hand told me what she felt.</p> + +<p class="normal">After this we had to receive the congratulations of the company, and I +admired my darling who stood the flow of shallow words with which she +was overwhelmed with perfect calmness. The General contemplated her +with an expression of great delight. He bade us sit down in the +embrasure of one of the windows, where two chairs had been placed near +each other, and then he proceeded to his game with Don Vigilio.</p> + +<p class="normal">Bicetta and I soon forgot all around us. The hum of conversation did +not reach us. The dim light of a lamp which swung on a chain across the +street was bright enough for me to drink the deep draught of love from +the eyes of my beloved, and from her enchanting smile. On that evening +the company dispersed later than usual. Champagne was drunk, and an old +archbishop who was passing through the town on one of his pastoral +tours proposed the health of the betrothed. The venerable old man was +particularly affectionate to me. He made me take a seat in his carriage +and insisted on driving me back to my hotel. But hardly had we been a +moment alone together, when the reason for this remarkable +condescension appeared. "You are a Lutheran?" he asked. I assented, and +he continued with a benign smile; "You will not remain so. The great +earthy happiness you have found here, will lead you to a higher bliss. +Come to see me to-morrow, and we can talk more about this."</p> + +<p class="normal">I did not fail to appear, but he could not force me one step from the +path which I had traced for myself. I demanded the same liberty of +faith which I conceded to my wife. With regard to the children, she +might decide for them, till they had reached the age when they could +judge for themselves what was necessary to the welfare of their souls. +The artful old priest seemed well pleased with this beginning, and to +rely on the future.--As he was forced to leave the town, he committed +me to the care of a younger keeper of souls; a member of a religious +order, who set about the affair much more vehemently and clumsily so +that to prevent further unpleasantness, I broke off all intercourse +with him. This, I could perceive in the faces of certain of the +frequenters of my future parent's house, was greatly taken amiss, but +as the General's cordial manner remained the same, and the mistress of +the house continued to shew me a cool amiability, I bore it with great +equanimity.</p> + +<p class="normal">My betrothed, who was aware of my feelings, fully coincided in my +desire to cut short any further attempt of this kind. "What can they +mean by it?" she said. "There is only one heaven and one hell for us; +is it not so Amadeo? If I entered Paradise and found you not there, my +soul would turn back, and not rest till it had found yours." When she +spoke thus it seemed to me that I saw heaven open before me, and I +could not believe that any danger threatened our future happiness, or +even that any delay was possible.</p> + +<p class="normal">The wedding was fixed for October. I had made up my mind to bear this +interval of two months with all the patience I could muster. Only one +thing made me uneasy; I had announced my betrothal to my sister, and +brother-in-law, and had not received one line in return.</p> + +<p class="normal">I knew them too well to fear any objection on their part; only some +illness or some sorrow which they wished to keep from me could account +for this silence. So in spite of the happiness which smiled upon me, I +grew more and more uneasy. At last after three weeks of feverish +impatience, the longed for letter from my brother-in-law arrived. He +wrote that my sister Blanche had been dangerously ill after her +confinement, and that the state of her health was still so precarious +that he had not ventured to agitate her by the news of my engagement. +If it were possible, it would greatly relieve him if I could come home +for a short while.</p> + +<p class="normal">"You must go," said Bicetta when I had silently handed her the letter. +"You must leave this to-morrow. I will try and bear your absence as +well as I can. But you must write to me when you arrive, write to me as +often as you are able. How I long to go with you. But of course that is +impossible. Give my love to Blanche; tell her that she already lives in +my heart, and give her this kiss from her sister."</p> + +<p class="normal">She passionately threw her arms round my neck and pressed her lips to +mine. It was the first kiss she had granted me. Even when I had met her +alone, and entreated her both jestingly and earnestly not to be so +cruel, she had always remained inexorable. How often had I not felt +hurt at this reserve, but then she had only to speak a word, or to +stretch out her hand with that indescribable smile of hers, and my +doubts and displeasure vanished.</p> + +<p class="normal">I departed with the full persuasion that I should find nothing changed +on my return. The old general took leave of me with evident distress; +he could not cease to press me in his arms. His wife shewed great +interest in the illness of my sister, and so completely deceived me +that on my way home, I reproached myself for my former injustice +towards her, and mentally begged her pardon.</p> + +<p class="normal">Part of my luggage remained at the villa which had been my habitation +during the last weeks of my betrothal; Old Fabio and my friend Nina +faithfully ministering to my wants. I felt sure of returning in less +than a month, and hoped to bring back with me my sister and her husband +to the wedding. Nina in the meantime went up to town to keep Beatrice +company.</p> + +<p class="normal">Everything seemed to be arranged for the best, and this short +separation to be a sacrifice to the jealous gods before I was allowed +to enjoy complete happiness.</p> + +<p class="normal">At home I found matters better than I had imagined during the anxious +hours of my long journey. Blanche was out of danger, and it seemed as +if the pleasure of seeing me again and the joyful news I brought her, +hastened her recovery. Their accompanying me to Bologna however was +out of the question. My sister could not leave her child, and my +brother-in-law was detained by our business which had lately so much +increased that we could not both be spared. Yet they hastened my +departure, and indeed as matters stood my visit caused them more +anxiety than pleasure, for in spite of our firm resolve to write to +each other as often as we could, and though I faithfully adhered to my +promise of never missing a single post, yet not a line had reached me +from Bologna. During the first week of my stay I was inexhaustible in +finding some natural cause for her silence. But when I had remained a +fortnight at Geneva without a word either from my betrothed or any +member of her family, I was tormented with anxiety. My only comfort was +that no great misfortune could have happened to her without our +correspondent in Bologna informing me of it, but then again, how could +I know that he had not left Bologna, and should any letters have been +lost or intercepted, might not his too have been among the number?</p> + +<p class="normal">I felt that I must start for Bologna if I did not wish to go mad. The +state of my feelings as I travelled day and night is not to be +described. As I saw my face in the glass when I stopped to arrange my +disordered toilet before entering Bologna, I started back. It was +certainly not the face of a happy bridegroom, such as I had hoped to +return.</p> + +<p class="normal">It was early in the morning when my travelling carriage dashed along +the well known road. I called to the postillion to pull up at the +trellised gate of the villa. I jumped out with tottering knees, and +rang the bell violently. Some time elapsed before my dear old friend +Fabio appeared at the door. When he recognised me he started and +without taking time to button his old waistcoat across his naked chest, +he rushed to meet me with so disturbed a face that I called out in an +agony: "She is dead!"</p> + +<p class="normal">He shook his head and hastily unlocked the gate, but the fright had +completely taken away his breath, so that I could only draw out word by +word, a scanty unconnected explanation from him. He observed my pale +face and worn out looks, and wished to spare me, instead of which he +only cruelly tormented me by his dilatoriness. With many things which +had been schemed in the dark, he was unacquainted, for he had only +learnt the main points from Nina. I who well knew the actors never for +a moment doubted who had taken the principal parts in this fiendish +intrigue. Hardly had I left Bologna when that cousin from Rome +appeared, and brought forward his imaginary claim to the hand of my +bride.</p> + +<p class="normal">Had he come by order, or would he have arrived of his own accord even +had I not been absent I never knew. He cut a sorry figure Fabio said. A +life of gambling, revels, and adventures had considerably reduced his +fortune, but being the nephew of a cardinal, and of the old nobility, +he was still considered a good match. Bicetta had always disliked him. +He (Fabio) remembered that she had once boxed his ears for having +ventured to kiss his little cousin. Upon which he had laughingly vowed +to make her pay for it once she was his wife. Now the time had arrived +when he hoped to realize his threat. The step-mother and all those who +had most authority were on his side. They had frightened the poor old +general by predicting for him all the torments of hell, if he married +his only child to a heretic, till they had subdued and silenced him. +But whenever he looked at Bicetta his eyes filled with tears, and he +would sit for hours in his arm-chair, and sob like a child. He never +spoke to his wife for he knew that she was at the bottom of it all.</p> + +<p class="normal">"And Beatrice?" I asked, half maddened with rage and pain.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Ah Bicetta," replied the old man, "who can understand her! At first +when they urged her to renounce her heretic lover, she had answered: 'I +have pledged my faith to him in the sight of God, and I will keep it +though I should die for it;' so they could not persuade her. Then when +her cousin had come to pay his court to her, she had calmly told him: +'Don't trouble yourself Richino it is perfectly useless; even had I +never seen Amadeo I should never have loved you.' Then when he +attempted to take her hand and to play the gallant to her, she drew +herself up and said in the hearing of Nina: 'Miserable coward to lay +hands on another's property! Go I despise you.' She would not see him +after that yet she never sheds a tear though the marriage is decided +on, and she has quite left off begging and entreating her father, her +step-mother, or any one, even God I dare say. She no more received your +letters, than you did hers which I posted myself. It seems that the +officials at the post-office know what is expected of them when the +nephew of a cardinal wishes to carry off the bride of a foreigner. +Still it is surprising that she should have resigned herself so quickly +for she cannot possibly doubt your fidelity. Nina told me that they +threatened to shut her up in a convent if she did not marry her cousin, +and certainly a convent is not the proper place for our Bicetta, yet I +should have thought it preferable to a marriage with that man, when her +whole heart belongs to you. I for my part cannot make her out, and my +daughter too is in a perpetual state of amazement."</p> + +<p class="normal">So the good old man rambled on without venturing to look at me, whilst +I lay completely stunned on one of the chairs opposite the chimney. It +was the same in which we had sat our hands clasped in one another's the +first evening of our betrothal. I was quite incapable of thought; every +feeling even of love or of hate seemed paralyzed within me and all +vitality to have ceased, as the movement of a watch stops when a blow +has broken the spring. After a long pause I recovered my composure +sufficiently to ask when the marriage was to take place. "This +afternoon," replied the old man in a timid voice. Then I started up, +brought to my senses by the nearness of this fearful and decisive +event. Old Fabio seized my hands, and looked anxiously into my face.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Merciful heavens!" he exclaimed, "what are you doing. You know not how +powerful they are. If you were to appear openly in the streets, who +knows whether you would outlive the night."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I will go in disguise, I will stand face to face with this scoundrel, +and tell him that one of us must die. You surely have a pair of +trooper's pistols in good condition. They are all I shall want. Leave +me now."</p> + +<p class="normal">"First you must shoot me with them," he said, and clung so firmly to my +arm, that I saw no possibility of freeing myself from his grasp without +using force. "Think of Bicetta," he continued, "what would she say to +it." "You are right," I replied, and felt as if I were again deprived +of all energy. "I know not what she would say, but I <i>will</i> know, or I +shall go mad. Let go my arm, and give me my hat. I will go to her; I +will burst open the doors which keep her from me, and when once I have +seen her then come what may."</p> + +<p class="normal">But he would not let me go. He led me back to my chair and said, "you +must surely be persuaded that no one so sincerely desires yours, and +the Signorina's, and the old general's welfare as old Fabio, so you +must listen to his advice, and not rush headlong to your own +destruction. If you imagine that you can reach her apartment, you are +greatly mistaken. The house is filled with servants on account of the +wedding, and you would fare ill if you desired to see the bride with +this face. Let me go to her; they cannot forbid me the entrance, +although the Signora does not regard me with favourable eyes. If it +should come to the worst, I can always send for my daughter; so if you +will write a few lines I promise to deliver them, and they will +certainly reach their destination with more safety than by the papal +posts. Sit down here by this window and write a few lines and if I am +not greatly mistaken in our Bicetta she will answer them. He ran to +fetch me writing materials, but I was in such a wretched state that I +could not even hold a pen, and the fury which raged within me drowned +every thought.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Never mind," said the old man, "there is no need to write. Is it not +sufficient that she hears you have come? If she then still consents to +this marriage, hundreds of letters would be of no avail."</p> + +<p class="normal">With this he left me, but first I had to give him my word that I would +not leave the house, which was now completely deserted, and that I +would open the door to no one but him.</p> + +<p class="normal">By this time day had dawned, and after bringing me some wine to +strengthen me, the old man departed, and I remained alone in the +death-like stillness of the house--I could not rest; I dragged myself +into the garden, to the orange-tree of whose fruit she had given me, +and to the pomegranate the blossoms of which had been her first love +token to me. She was always before me, and the more clearly she +appeared to me the less could I understand her apparent oblivion.</p> + +<p class="normal">Though I was greatly exhausted by my night's journey, yet I could not +swallow a morsel of bread nor drink the wine, but I sucked the juice of +an orange, and felt so revived that I seemed to have imbibed hope and +comfort with it. Then I returned to the house, ascended the stairs and +slowly walked through all the apartments. In her little room all +remained as she had left it; even the book which she had last read was +still open on the table. I began to read from the same page where she +had left off. It was an edition of the "Canzone di Petrarca" and I felt +soothed and refreshed by their gentle harmony. I shoved a low chair +into the balcony (it was the same on which she had sat as a child while +playing with her dolls), and threw myself into it with the book in my +hand. But after each verse my eyes wandered along the road in the hope +of seeing a messenger appear. I had grown calmer however, and no longer +dreaded the decision of my fate, yet I started wildly when the old man +appeared.</p> + +<p class="normal">"What news do you bring me," I called to him. But I knew all when I saw +his sorrowful countenance, as he turned towards me, and I rushed down +the stair case with, trembling knees. "Read this," he said; "perhaps +you will understand what it all means."</p> + +<p class="normal">I tore the paper from his hand. On it were hastily scrawled these +words: "My own dear love, what I am going to do, had to be done; do not +try to prevent it, only trust in me. I shall never be another's. You +will understand all when we meet again, and perhaps that may be before +long. Whatever happens I am yours only for ever and ever." On the edge +of the paper was added, "Remain concealed. If you are found out, all is +lost."</p> + +<p class="normal">Whilst I continued to stare at these few lines, the old man told me +that he had not seen her himself. Nina had been the messenger between +them; but even from her, he could not find out what he wanted to hear. +She only told him that the Signorina had not shown the least +astonishment at the news of my return. "I have long expected him," was +all she said; and while her maid was bringing in her bridal attire, she +had written the note quickly, standing at the window. Then she had +charged Nina to enjoin the greatest secrecy on her father, and to tell +him to take care of me. After that she quietly proceeded to unfasten +her hair which had to be dressed for the wedding. "She wrote these +lines," Nina added, "with the calmness of a person who is unable to +live any longer for the very agony of his pain, and writes down his +dying wish." She had always thought she knew her as well as she knew +herself, but in these last days she was a perfect mystery to her.</p> + +<p class="normal">Was it not the same with me? I who had fancied that I understood her +better than any one else, could I understand her now, though I read the +lines she had addressed to me over and over again a hundred times. Why +if she would not belong to any one but me, why did she not fly to me, +or take refuge in a convent till I had found means to liberate her. Why +did not the boldest and most adventurous scheme appear natural and easy +to her, rather than resignation to the fate which was forced on her, +and to the bearing quietly those hateful fetters which death alone +could tear asunder.</p> + +<p class="normal">Still there was something in those simple words which sustained me, +when I was on the point of despairing, and which silenced me when I was +on the point of giving vent to a burst of indignation or despondency. I +even slept a few hours, and could swallow a few morsels which my +faithful attendant had prepared for me. Not a word passed between us; +only when the hour of the wedding approached we had a violent dispute. +I insisted on attending it, and he opposed this to the utmost. At last +when he saw that my resolution was not to be shaken, he brought some of +his clothes and helped me to muffle myself up in them, and then pulled +an old torn straw-hat, which he generally wore in the garden, over my +eyes. I will accompany you Signor Amadeo, for I fear that you will lose +all command over yourself, and that you will require some one to +restrain you. He might have proved right had not the wedding guests, +and the bridal couple entered the church before we reached it, and the +crowd been so great that they stood pressed together, spreading over +the Piazza far beyond the church portal.</p> + +<p class="normal">I bitterly reproached the old man for having deceived me with regard to +the hour, but he vehemently asserted his innocence, and his ignorance +of the hour.</p> + +<p class="normal">So we waited amongst the crowd, and the sound of the bells, which were +ringing loudly, lulled me into my former state of dull torpor. Suddenly +the cry arose: "Here they come!" I should have sunk down had not Fabio +supported me. I kept myself up, so to speak, by fastening my eyes to +the church door, whence she was to issue forth. When she at last +appeared I was surprised that I could bear the sight, that it even +calmed me, although her husband was walking beside her. He was just the +man I had expected to see from Fabio's description. A creature I could +have felled to the ground at one blow. A smile hovered on his worn +features which made my blood boil. He nodded with a triumphant, and +lofty air to the people around him, and stroked the fair moustache on +his thin upper lip.</p> + +<p class="normal">She passed through the crowd without looking up, the expression of her +face was inscrutable, and her eyes were veiled by her long lashes. A +child offered her a bunch of flowers; she took it into her arms, and +kissed it, and I could even perceive a smile on her lips. Had not the +distance been so great, and Fabio watching me I should have pushed my +way through the crowd, and asked her how she dared to smile on such a +day. But the smile had vanished while I was reflecting on it.</p> + +<p class="normal">They got into their carriage, and drove off, followed by the parents of +the bride. The old General bending under the weight of his grief, at +the side of his proud young wife. Then came all the dignitaries of the +church who frequented the house.</p> + +<p class="normal">"The Archbishop performed the ceremony," said an old woman beside me. +"She would not marry him at first, but they say that the holy father +himself urged her to it. Nothing more has been heard about that other +one, the Lutheran."--"Aye, aye," replied another woman; "it seems that +his sister has died, that is the just penalty for refusing to abjure +his heresy."--And so their foolish talk went on around me. Fabio +dragged me away, and led me by a bye path back to the villa. I let him +do as he pleased with me; all my strength had left me. I was as +unconscious of my actions as a man in a fever, or a sleep walker.</p> + +<p class="normal">Even now, when I reflect on the past, I cannot understand how I bore +that day. My nature, generally so impetuous, appeared to be completely +subdued by the great bodily exhaustion caused by that hurried and +sleepless journey from Geneva, and I submitted unresistingly to these +horrible events.</p> + +<p class="normal">When I reached the villa, I staggered blindly. Fabio forced me to +swallow several glasses of strong wine in such rapid succession that I +at last sank insensible to the ground.</p> + +<p class="normal">When I recovered my senses, night had come on, and it was some time +before I could recollect where I was, and what had occurred. The clear +sky could be seen through the high panes of the glass door, and the +faint light of the new moon fell on the portrait of Beatrice's mother, +who I fancied looked sadly down at me from her place above the chimney. +Then only everything came back to my memory; then I remembered how +terrible was the significance of this night, and what future these +hours foreboded. Then a fearful agony overwhelmed me, and I was brought +to the verge of madness. I cried out aloud and the unearthly sound of +my voice as it echoed through the desolate house terrified me. I threw +myself down on the cold stone floor of the hall, and there I lay +writhing, pressing my face against the ground, and tearing my hair as +if bodily pain could stifle the despair which raged within me. Every +thought which sprung up in me, I willfully thrust back into the general +whirlpool which darkened and confused my mind. I would feel nothing, +think of nothing, but the terrible certainty that my heart's treasure +was now in another's possession; I could not cease from piercing my +heart with this thought, as though it were a poisoned dagger that would +make it bleed to death. At last worn out with this self destructive +frenzy I lay motionless in the dust. The cold stones of the floor +cooled my burning brow, and my tears ceased to flow. After some time, I +roused myself sufficiently to regain my tottering feet, and to crawl +into the garden. At the fountain underneath the evergreen oaks I washed +the tears and the dust from my face, and took a deep draught of the +tepid water, which nevertheless cooled my blood.</p> + +<p class="normal">I now considered what remained for me to do, but could not come to any +resolution. One thing, however, I determined on. I would write to her +the next day, and implore her to end this dreadful uncertainty; to rend +asunder the last tie which bound me to her. Then I remembered the words +of her note, but of what avail were they now to me? Now that I had seen +her come out of the church, and that day, and part of the night had +passed without bringing me any comfort.</p> + +<p class="normal">When I heard the clock strike midnight, and the moon disappeared I +could no longer bear the awful stillness of the garden, and I returned +to the hall. I lighted a candle and placed it on the mantlepiece; then +I drew a chair near it, took a small volume of Dante from my pocket, +and was soon deeply engaged in perusing the most gloomy and despairing +canto of his "Inferno."</p> + +<p class="normal">I had remained thus about an hour, when suddenly I thought I heard the +key turned in the lock of the garden gate. My hair stood on end. I +fancied in the first moment of terror that my poor darling had +destroyed herself, and that her restless spirit now sought me to suck +my heart's blood; but the next moment I had shaken off these senseless +ideas, and regained my composure. I arose and listened attentively in +the stillness of the night.</p> + +<p class="normal">The garden gate was opened. I heard steps on the gravel walk--some one +sought for the handle of the hall door; it opened and a youth in a +black cloak and hat appeared on the threshold. Suddenly the hat fell +back from the brow, and I recognized Beatrice. With a cry of joy we +rushed into each other's arms, and clung to one another as though we +could never be torn asunder nor our lips ever parted.</p> + +<p class="normal">At last she disengaged herself from my embrace, and her tearful eyes +turned on me with a sad mute gaze. "How pale thou art!" she said; "and +this is all my doing. But now it is all at an end. I have kept my word. +Here I am your own wife, and never another's, though I should suffer +for it in this world, and in the next. Oh! Amadeo, why is this world so +full of wicked people; why do they sully the purest, and revile the +most sacred feelings! Why do they force us to lie, and to perjure +ourselves in the very sight of God. We must say <i>yes</i>, with our lips, +while our hearts say <i>no</i>. They have brought me to this, that I can +only choose between two sins: either to deliver myself up to a man whom +I despise, or to slink like a thief in the night to one who in the eyes +of the world can never be mine. But God metes with another measure than +these cruel and selfish people; is it not so, Amadeo? He cannot bid me +break my faith to you. He never meant our destruction. I imprisoned in +a convent, and you alone in the world, without love, or joy. He has +destined you for me, and me for you, and now I am yours for ever. That +other one dared not touch me. When we were left alone together, I said +to him: 'If you ever try to approach me, to-day or at any other time, +you will have been my murderer, for I have vowed before God not to +survive the hour in which you dare to claim your right on me. I told +you this before our marriage and you still insisted on its +accomplishment. You then carried the point, now it is my turn.'</p> + +<p class="normal">"So I left him, and shut myself up in my room till I knew that every +one in the house was asleep. Nina then brought me this disguise, and +now I am here, Amadeo! The happiness of being yours would be too great +if I had not to strive and suffer for it."</p> + +<p class="normal">She clung to my neck and hid her glowing face on my breast. All the +ardour and passion which she had repressed with maidenly pride, and had +not even betrayed by a look, now burst forth in a sudden flame, and +threatened to set my whirling brain on fire.</p> + +<p class="normal">When we had at last recovered our power of thought, and speech, she +told me what had occurred after my departure; the intrigues of her +step-mother, the helpless efforts of her father to defend himself, and +his child, against the ascendency of the clergy; her useless attempts +to disarm and confound her enemy by the most unshaken sincerity. At +last, when she perceived that they would mercilessly separate her from +her father, and shut her up in a distant convent, from whence no letter +from her could reach me, she suddenly determined on apparent submission +to every thing for the sake of saving herself and me. "And, in fact, +they only desired an outward victory. What do they care whether my soul +is lost or not," she continued. "Did they ever blame the woman who +bears my poor father's name for indulging all her passions freely? They +are all of them the slaves of appearances, and they cannot bear to look +truth in the face, for it would put them to confusion. Oh! Amadeo, how +often did I form the resolution to fly to you, and then declare openly +that I am your wife, and shall be so to eternity. But you do not know +how powerful they are. Even if we started this very moment, and +travelled day and night they would overtake us, and that would be +certain death to you. Then my poor dear father also, he would not +survive the separation, and such a one, from me. But do not grieve my +love, we are now united and those who know our secret are faithful. +Pardon me, for not telling you of my coming in my note of this morning, +but I knew not for certain whether I should be able to accomplish my +plan, or whether that wretch might not strike me to the ground on my +refusal to acknowledge him as my master. And if I then had staid away, +should you not have suffered greater tortures than in this uncertainty? +You knew that I had pledged myself to you, and that I would keep my +word; that I would be faithful to you, and never belong to any man but +you.--I will return to you every night. The porter who is an honest +fellow, hates his present master, but would have died for you."</p> + +<p class="normal">She noticed that in spite of my happiness; my wife sitting on my knee, +that I was silent and thoughtful. "Why are you so sad?" she asked.</p> + +<p class="normal">"That we must obtain by fraud what is ours by right," I replied. "That +we must hide in darkness, and mystery as if we committed a crime in +keeping our vows!"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Do not think of that," she said, and passed her hand across my +forehead. "The future is unknown to us; we are only certain of the +present hour, and of our own hearts. Why should we not thank God for +it. He surely knows that it is best so. Come now; I am not going to sit +here as your lady love with my hands folded, and leave it to others to +minister to you. You must be half famished, and I too am hungry. I have +tasted nothing since last night. I remember perfectly where Fabio keeps +his provisions. I will go and prepare a wedding feast which will be +more joyful than the last one was, where I saw that every drop of wine +was turned to gall for my poor father."</p> + +<p class="normal">She rose, and hastened to the cellar, and larder. In the meantime I +pushed a small table into the middle of the room, and lighted up all +the bits of candle which remained in the dusty chandeliers. When she +returned with the plates and glasses, she stopped on the threshold with +a joyful exclamation. Then she laid the table and filled the glasses +with her own hands from the heavy wicker bottle. "Come," she said, "let +us drink to our future happiness, if your sister were but here I should +desire no other wedding banquet." After drinking this toast, she waited +on me, helping me to the cold meat and olives, persuading me to eat, +and doing the honours like a good little housewife. To please her I +swallowed some morsels though I felt no hunger. She too would hardly +take anything till I began to feed her like a child holding the +choicest morsels to her lips, then she laughingly opened them and +complied with my request.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Now I have had enough," she said, rising. "I must provide a better +couch for you than these cushions on the floor. Fabio never thinks +about such things. An old soldier like him hardly perceives whether he +is lying on the bare ground or on a feather-bed. To be sure the wisest +thing for you will be to take possession of my little room upstairs, +instead of remaining here where any body can look in, and betray you." +She took my arm and conducted me thither after we had put out all the +lights. As we passed Fabio's closet, I stopped to listen if he moved. +"Don't mind him," she whispered; "he knows that I am here. A short +while ago, when I fetched the wine, I met him coming from the garden, +where he had plucked the fruit for our wedding feast. He was nearly +beside himself with joy on seeing me; he wept, and kissed my hands. Now +he does not appear, for fear of disturbing us."</p> + +<p class="normal">The day had not dawned when she reminded me that we must part. I +insisted on accompanying her back to town, and when she saw the +disguise in which I had ventured out the day before, she consented. She +pulled her broad brimmed hat over her eyes and I wrapped her up in her +large cloak. We then left the house, and proceeded in the direction of +the town. We met not a soul--no lights burned either in the houses or +in the streets--the morning star sparkled alone in the pale azure of +the sky. A cool breeze came from the North. We hardly spoke a word +during our walk. My heart was oppressed, and she too when the moment of +separation approached, seemed to feel, for the first time, how +unnatural was our position. When we reached the house, she clasped me +in her arms with tears in her eyes and held me so for a while before +giving the appointed signal to the porter. "Expect me to-morrow," she +whispered, and disengaging herself from my neck she glided through the +half open door, and I was once more alone in the darkness.</p> + +<p class="normal">A bitter feeling came over me. So I had to resign her again, my own, my +bride, who had vowed to belong to no one but me; to leave her at the +threshold of a stranger's house, whose door was for ever closed to me. +Here I had to stand at the entrance, and if the master of the house +appeared, should have to hide in a corner, as a thief from the bailiff. +What would be the end of it? Would a life of so full of bye ways and +mysteries be endurable. Can that be called happiness which can only be +obtained at the price of daily torment, and anxiety?</p> + +<p class="normal">Before I reached the villa I had firmly resolved to put an end to this +insufferable position. From that moment I felt easy at heart, and as I +walked along the deserted road, could fully rejoice in the unalloyed +happiness which had been granted me, and I considered in its minutest +details how the plan which was to unite us for ever was to be +accomplished.</p> + +<p class="normal">In the garden of the villa I found the old man at work. I apprized him +of my scheme, and though he thought the execution of it would be more +difficult than I expected, he willingly agreed to do all I asked of +him, and this was no slight sacrifice at his age, the more so that he +would have to part with his daughter. But where Bicetta's happiness was +concerned, he had no will of his own.</p> + +<p class="normal">We both spent the day in preparations. More than once, while taking our +measures, I had occasion to admire the circumspection, and the +foresight of the old soldier. During the afternoon I slept, and at ten +o'clock at night, I was stationed at the gate of the town through which +she had to come. We had not settled that I was to meet her, so when I +stepped out of my lurking place, she started back but instantly +recognizing me as I pushed back my hat she gave me her still trembling +hand, from underneath her cloak. So we walked along gazing at each +other in silence, for we met several tardy wayfarers who were returning +to the town, and feared to awaken their suspicion should they hear a +soft woman's voice underneath that broad brimmed hat only when we had +reached the villa, and its comfortable hall where lights were burning, +and a rustic meal had been prepared for us by Fabio, she again talked +freely. She told me how she had passed the day, how long and dreary it +had appeared to her. Richino had treated her with a rigid coldness, +hoping to mortify her by it, and to force her to make some advances, +but before the world, her parents and their numberless visitors, he had +assumed the manners of a happy young husband. In the evening however, +he had bowed to her without a word, and had withdrawn to his apartment. +"This cannot last," I suddenly said, after a long silence; "It is as +unworthy of you, as it is of me. We must put an end to it. Your +decision alone is wanting. Mine is already formed."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Amadeo!" she exclaimed, and her eyes turned towards me with a +wondering look. "What can you mean? Separation! Oh death rather than +that!"</p> + +<p class="normal">"No," I replied, "fear not; I do not demand what is impossible to me as +well as to you. Leave thee my wife, my second self, truly that would be +death! But our present existence, is it not worse than death? A life +which must in time, kill the soul's freedom and dignity, and will +sooner or later cause our ruin. But even if it did succeed, which is +most improbable, if I could remain here concealed year after year, in +what a wretched state should I not drag through the weary days; idle +and solitary cut off from all society but yours; condemned to an +aimless, useless life, consumed by the torture of an obscure, and +worthless existence. But even if, in more favourable circumstances, I +could openly come to your horse as your declared lover I would not do +it; I could not brook this state of ambiguity and falsehood. I must be +able to acknowledge my feelings, and openly take possession of what is +mine. Do you now understand me my darling?"</p> + +<p class="normal">She nodded, and her eyes were pensively fixed on the ground.--"I know +how painful it will be for you," I continued, and took her cold and +lifeless hand in mine, "You feel that you must leave your father, +perhaps for ever, if he cannot summon courage enough to follow us; You +must leave your country, and all that is dear to you, and has taken +root in your heart from childhood upwards. You can no longer kneel in +the church on the same spot where your mother once prayed--You dread +the strange country all the more, that you will have to enter it as a +fugitive, and not with the rejoicings and honours due to a bride. You +imagine that you would not dare to lift up your eyes to those who love +you. Is it not so Beatrice?"</p> + +<p class="normal">She again nodded; then she looked up to me and said, "I will bear all +if it can make you happy."</p> + +<p class="normal">"My own love," I resumed clasping her in my arms; "You have full +confidence in me, have you not? You believe that I have carefully +considered what I owe to you, and to myself, and that I would not +shrink from any sacrifice so long as my honour is not concerned, and +that it does not lower me in your eyes. There is but one way of escape +possible from all the snares and fetters which our enemies have thrown +around us. You said truly that flight with the swiftest horses would +not save us: no, we must set about it with more caution, if we do not +wish to be overtaken. I have spoken to Fabio, he knows all the ways to +Ancona as thoroughly as he knows this garden. He will be our guide. We +shall travel on foot, dressed as peasants and only at night, once +there, we shall embark for Venice. Fabio too leaves all that is dear +and valuable to him, only for our sakes, in order that he may assist us +to recover our freedom and happiness. Are you courageous enough +Beatrice? Do you feel strong enough to undertake this journey at your +husband's side?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"I will follow you all over the world," she said, and pressed my hand; +"You shall have no cause to complain; I can do all you expect of me."</p> + +<p class="normal">I embraced her with great emotion. "Come, then, I said; let us take +some food to strengthen us for the journey."</p> + +<p class="normal">"To-night Amadeo? I implore you with all my heart, ask anything of me, +but that I should leave this without once more seeing my poor father, +without the sacred memorials of my mother which I keep at home. I +promise you that nothing shall alter my resolution, not a tear shall +betray me, when I kiss my father for the last time. I feel that without +that, without bidding him at least a mute farewell I should find no +rest, and the longing for home would kill me. As yet, we risk nothing. +No one knows that you are here, no one sees me coming, or going. I +shall not even acquaint Nina with our plan. To-morrow evening when I +leave my home, it shall be for ever; that I promise you. Grant me only +these few hours, and then, I shall be as entirely yours, as if I had +fallen from heaven into your arms, and had no other home than your +heart." She looked at me with an imploring expression which I could not +resist, although I felt uneasy at the slightest delay. I gave way to +her entreaties, and her gaiety then returned, and soon banished every +care from my mind. We supped together; Fabio waited on us, and not a +word more was said of our project. I then sent Fabio to his bed, and +brought in the dessert myself, and a bottle of sweet wine which she +liked to drink only a thimble full of, at a time, but even a few drops +of it sufficed to give her pale cheeks a rosy tint. Who could have seen +us, joyous as we were together, and have believed that we had obtained +these brief hours of happiness by stealth, and were enjoying them +clandestinely.</p> + +<p class="normal">She then drew me into the garden. "Let me bid farewell to all my +friends, to the pomegranate, the orange trees, the fountain. To-morrow +there will not be time for it." We walked arm in arm into the garden. +She drank once more from the marble fountain, put a few oranges +in her pocket, and plucked a spray from the pomegranate. "These +must go with me," she observed, "in your home in the north, these +things do not grow. I shall soon learn to do without them. And this +shuttlecock,"---she picked it up as she saw it lying forgotten in the +grass, "I will not leave behind. Our children," she whispered, and drew +close to me, "shall play with it, and you will tell them how you +exchanged your heart for one of these feathery balls."</p> + +<p class="normal">We had now reached the place where I had once looked over the wall. +There underneath the spreading branches of the trees, the sward had +remained fresh, and soft, and the air was pure, and free from dust. +"Let us pass the remainder of the night here," I said, "I will bring +some cushions from the house." I returned and brought a few, and also a +cloak for Beatrice. She wrapped herself up in it and soon slept calmly, +but it was long before I could find repose. I listened to her gentle +breathing, and gazed at her sweet face, with the closed eyes up-turned +to the grey sky. She murmured some indistinct words in a dream. I could +not understand them, but their soft tone still lingers in my ear.</p> + +<p class="normal">At last I too slept; I know not for how many hours. When I awoke, the +day had not yet dawned, but she was gone. A sudden fear seized me, why +had she left me? I jumped up to ascertain whether Fabio, at least, had +accompanied her. Hardly had I taken a few steps, when I heard the bell +at the garden gate pulled violently. In that moment a fearful +foreboding came over me, and forgetting all prudence, I dashed across +the garden, and round the house towards the gate. Nevertheless old +Fabio had reached it before me, and when I turned the corner, I saw him +trying to lift up a dark figure which had sunk down at the entrance of +the garden.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Beatrice!" I cried and rushed to the spot. When I reached it, she just +opened her eyes again, and supported by Fabio, she turned towards me +with a look of intense anguish and despair, but directly she tried to +smile again. "It is nothing Amadeo," she gasped out with a great +effort, her hand pressed to her heart. "Do not be alarmed, I do not +feel much pain. Are you vexed that I left, without awaking you? You +slept so quietly, and I thought there was no danger. How could he have +discovered that you were concealed here? Yes to be sure, I forgot to +tell you what Richino said to me yesterday at table; he spoke in French +to prevent the people from understanding him: 'Do you believe in +ghosts, Madame? If such things exist, they are welcome to roam about, +but if living creatures take it into their heads to play the +<i>revenants</i>, upon my honour, I will take good care that they are soon +turned into real phantoms.'</p> + +<p class="normal">"I fancied that these were only idle words. Alas, Amadeo, now I cannot +travel with you; you will have to go alone, and in this very hour. +Those two who were on the watch outside the garden gate, certainly +expected you to pass. They called to me when I was ten paces distant +from the gate, and asked for my name. I gave no answer, so they did +what had been ordered them. They did not succeed however; see I can +still walk and even speak. Leave me here and do not be uneasy on my +account. I shall not die. When I hear that you are in safety then I +will follow you. Go my darling husband--before the break of day--Give +me your hand--kiss me."</p> + +<p class="normal">Her voice grew faint; her knees could no longer support her. We carried +her, insensible, into the hall, and laid her on a low couch. When we +pushed back her cloak, and opened her coat, the blood streamed over our +hands. I bent over her; she heaved a deep sigh, looked at me once +again, and sunk back to rise no more.</p> + +<p class="normal">Let me pass over that morning in silence.</p> + +<p class="normal">When the sun shone through the glass door, it found me still kneeling +beside her couch, and gazing on her pale face. Old Fabio crouched in a +corner, and sobbed.</p> + +<p class="normal">Suddenly we heard her name called from without. Nina rushed in, and +with a loud cry, threw herself on the corpse. By her demeanour it +seemed as if she had been struck a deadly blow. Then in the midst of +her convulsive sorrow, she roused herself, and turning me she said, +"You must escape; I hastened hither to caution you and Beatrice. A +short while ago Richino entered her bedroom and sought her. I know now +for what reason; it was to tell her that the man she loved was dead. He +hardly expected it to end as it has done. When he perceived that she +was not in her room, he turned pale as death, and went away. But +believe me, he will come to seek her here, and if he finds those +dreadful marks on the path--listen! I hear footsteps approaching--they +are his. Fly! they forebode death to you." I replied not, but rose and +stood by the couch of my dead wife.</p> + +<p class="normal">The door opened and he entered ...</p> + +<p class="normal">Whatever he had meant to say, the sight before him turned him to stone. +He staggered back, and clung to the door post for support. His +cadaverous face was distorted by helpless horror. I saw that he +struggled in vain for breath.</p> + +<p class="normal">"What do you seek here?" I said at last. "You hoped to find me lying +covered with blood; your servants did your bidding promptly, but +unfortunately they mistook the person. So you are disappointed of your +malignant pleasure. You could not crown your deed by awakening this +unhappy woman, of whose heart not a particle was yours, with the +tidings that her lover was dead, and would never return. What hinders +me," I continued, approaching him, and clenching my hands with rage, +and maddening pain. "What hinders me from crushing you beneath my feet, +and casting you out of the house, so that you should no longer pollute +with your breath this sacred dwelling of the dead. If you had loved +her, miserable scoundrel, if you could extenuate your deed by a human +passion--but you would have taken possession of her, you would have +abased this noble soul to your own level, only for the sake of +gratifying your low desires, and because you were incited by others. +Go, I say, hide your face in eternal darkness. Assassin! I swear that +if you dare to stretch out your hand towards the dead, or cast your +eyes on her once again, I will tear you to pieces with my own hands! +Away with you!"--</p> + +<p class="normal">In the midst of this outburst of my fury, I was silenced by the +expression of his face, on which an expression of intense pain +appeared. It seemed as if the ground reeled underneath him, as if it +were going to burst asunder and devour him. He did not look at any one; +he tried to raise his head, but sank down on the threshold completely +overcome and remained so for several minutes. I had to avert a sort of +pity, which I should have deemed a crime. When I had regained +sufficient composure to say a few last words to him, I saw him totter +like a drunken man towards the gate, and leave the garden.</p> + +<p class="normal">I then allowed Nina to take off Beatrice's man's clothes, and to dress +her in the same white gown in which I had first seen her. There she lay +smiling peacefully amongst the flowers which her faithful attendant had +brought from the garden and the conservatory, and so she remained +during the day. Nina had just concluded this last act of friendship, +when we heard a carriage approach the gate. Her father sat in it, pale, +and with an insane smile hovering on his withered lips. Fabio, with +scalding tears, assisted him to leave the carriage, and led him into +the hall. When he saw his child surrounded by the apparel of death he +dropped silently on his knees, and pressed his forehead on her folded +hands. When at last we tried to raise him, we found that a paralysis of +the heart had compassionately united him to his darling.</p> + +<p class="normal">In the following night we buried them both. No one was present but +Fabio, and Nina. Don Vigilio pronounced the benediction on the dead. He +told me afterwards that Richino had appointed it so, and had given +orders that all my requests were to be complied with as if I were +master of the house. He had received no visitors, and after a violent +scene with his mother-in-law, had on the same day left Bologna for +Rome.</p> + +<p class="normal">The widow of the General entered a convent for the time of her +mourning. I for my part when the earth had closed over the two coffins, +took horse, and before the day had dawned was on my way to Florence.</p> + +<p class="normal">A year after, I read in the papers that the widow of the General had +married the young count, her faithful admirer. But though I often +returned to Bologna to visit the grave of my wife I never saw either of +them again.</p> + +<hr class="W10"> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<h1>BEGINNING, AND END.</h1> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="div1_beginning" href="#div1Ref_beginning">BEGINNING, AND END.</a></h2> +<hr class="W10"> +<br> + + +<p class="normal">In the deep bay window of an otherwise brilliantly lighted saloon, a +single candle, supported by the arms of a winged figure in chased +silver, shed its faint lustre.</p> + +<p class="normal">This soft shade was increased by broad-leaved plants, the last blossoms +of the season, and by a slender palm-tree whose delicate branches +arched gracefully above the entrance of this dusky bower. Two chairs +stood beside each other in the background, inviting to repose, out only +one of them was occupied.</p> + +<p class="normal">The slender figure of a young woman reclined in it, her head supported +by her arm. Those who suspected her of retiring from the gay company to +this verdant hiding-place in order to attract attention or cause a +search to be made for her wronged her. She thought not of the effect +produced by the delicate half shade of the palm-tree on her pure white +brow, nor of the soft moonshine-like reflex of the candlelight on the +shining waves of her dark hair. Neither did she take advantage of the +solitude around her, whilst a girlish voice was heard singing to the +piano at the further end of the room, to indulge in those reveries +which in the summer time of life so often take their abode underneath +the closed eyelids. In a word, she slumbered. The music to which she +had at first dreamily listened, had at last lulled her to sleep like a +tired child. She did not even awake when the song being ended, the old +gentlemen around applauded encouragingly, the piano stool was pushed +back, and the hum of the interrupted conversation again sounded through +the saloon with renewed vivacity.</p> + +<p class="normal">No one came to disturb her; she was a stranger in this society, and +besides there was a certain expression of grave reserve in her +countenance which did not encourage new acquaintances.</p> + +<p class="normal">It was her fate to be considered proud. She knew it, but the little +effort she made to dispel this error arose more from indifference than +contempt. A familiar voice which addressed her by her name at last +aroused her. She opened her eyes in some confusion and saw the master +of the house standing before her, and by his side a stranger whose +forehead reached up to the branches of the palm-tree.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Allow me to interrupt your meditation. Madam," said the host with a +smile. "I here present to you my friend, and cousin Valentine, who only +returned to Germany a few weeks ago, and a few hours since became my +guest. We must now try to retain him, and who could undertake this task +with more success than our fair country women."</p> + +<p class="normal">He had long left them and, still they remained opposite each other +without a word of greeting. His eyes were fixed on the red rose which +adorned her hair, and only a slight movement among the palm leaves +betrayed that the blood rushed vehemently through his veins.</p> + +<p class="normal">The lady's face was raised towards him with an earnest expression, as +if she were trying to solve a problem. Was the veil which sleep had +thrown over her eyes, not yet removed? Was this meeting only the vision +of a dream. But no, could a dream have the power of changing, as time +had done, the well known features before her; of thinning the curly +hair, and of drawing those lines above the eye-brows which she had +noticed at the first glance?</p> + +<p class="normal">The longer he delayed in addressing her, the deeper grew the blush that +suffused her cheek. Several times her lips parted as if to speak, but +still she remained silent, and fixed her eyes on the ground. Her fan +slid on the carpet. He did not pick it up.</p> + +<p class="normal">At last he said, "Madam Eugenie, permit me to call you so, for I have +just arrived here and have omitted to ask our host for your husband's +name; how strangely we meet in this life. I am truly astonished at my +want of presentiment which never foretold me by a sign from heaven or +from earth that I should find you here."</p> + +<p class="normal">"A special motive caused me to undertake this journey," she hastily +said. "I intend to put my son to school and I am told that there is one +here in which he will be well taken care of. I arrived to-day after +having spent a sleepless night in the carriage, and I must confess to +you that just as you came up, weak human nature, against all good +breeding, was on the point of making up for lost time. I tell you this +because the cool, and absent way in which I received you must have +seemed strange to so old a friend."</p> + +<p class="normal">She stretched out her hand to him. "I thank you," he replied, and his +face brightened, "for having remembered my small claim on your +friendship. Pray continue to treat me on the old footing, and resume +your repose, which I unfortunately disturbed. I will take care that no +one enters the bower: I can keep watch behind this palm-tree."</p> + +<p class="normal">She laughed. "No, I did not mean that. I am only too tired to converse +with perfect strangers. Come, sit down by me, if you will be satisfied +with my good intentions, and tell me how the past, and the present have +fared with you."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You will best be able to judge for yourself how it has fared with me +when I confide to you my situation at the present moment. My friend has +only invited me here for the sake of marrying me. He regards it as a +duty. What do you say to that? In what a sad state must not that man be +whose friends consider it their duty to render him harmless?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"You alarm me," she replied with a smile. "When I first knew you, you +were, if not actually harmless, at least far from causing so much +mischief that you had to be laid in chains for the sake of the public +safety."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You are deriding me, Madam. Ah that talent of yours, how well I know +it. This time however your darts did not touch me. My charitable cousin +fears not for others, but for my own safety. He believes that if I +continue to reside alone in the old castle which I have bought; +abandoned to my own crotchets, only occupied in catching hares and +helping the peasants in their agricultural affairs, which I do not +myself understand, that I should sooner or later lose the little sense +which he kindly presumes is left to me. You see he wishes to treat me +homeopathically, dispersing one folly by another. Perhaps he is right. +Those who have proved themselves incapable of regulating their lives +properly, should be grateful, should they not, to their friends for +taking the trouble off their hands, and quietly follow their advice; +but I fancy sometimes that their kind intentions have come too late for +me."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Too late? I must combat that assertion. Fourteen years have passed +since we last met, and if you did not then make yourself younger than +you were, you can hardly now have reached the prime of life."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Make myself younger! Good heavens! to do just the contrary would then +have conduced more to my interests. But of what are you reminding me +Eugénie?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Is your betrothed young, handsome amiable?" she quickly resumed; "I +would not ask these questions which imply a doubt, if you had not told +me that you had authorized your friend to dispose of your heart, and in +these matters friends are not always to be relied on."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You greatly wrong our most amiable host," he said laughingly; "Not +only are these cardinal virtues not wanting, but all three of them are +three times combined."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Three times?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"I mean in three different samples, as I have been told; so it will be +difficult to choose."</p> + +<p class="normal">"And each of the three young ladies is desperately in love with you? +Then a twofold catastrophe is inevitable."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Up to this hour none of my destined brides know of my existence. Their +father----"</p> + +<p class="normal">"So they are sisters?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Yes. A fair, an auburn, and a dark haired one. You see there is no +possibility of escape; Every taste is provided for. Early to-morrow the +merciless disposer of my heart, and hand takes me in his carriage, and +delivers me over to my destiny. They live in L---- not quite four hours +drive from this. Horse dealing is to be the pretext. The father who is +the doctor of that small town, has a thorough-bred grey Arab in his +stables."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You go forth as Saul the son of Kish. I hope you may return like him +with a kingdom."</p> + +<p class="normal">"If you but knew," he said pensively, "how little I covet that dignity: +is not a king fettered by his duties? To-day I am still free, so I take +the liberty of sitting down beside you, and of talking with you of that +happy time when I too was held captive, but by enchanting fetters."</p> + +<p class="normal">She remained silent while he threw himself into the second arm-chair, +and turned it so that he could see nothing of the company in the +saloon; but only the plants before him, and the charming face of the +young woman, lighted up by the solitary candle. Meanwhile the mistress +of the house had sat down to the piano, and began to play a waltz; and +soon the light branches of the palm-tree trembled in the whirlwind +caused by the passing couples. Eugénie silently watched the gay scene +before her. With her left hand she played with a gold chain, and in the +right, held carelessly a large bouquet on her lap.</p> + +<p class="normal">Valentine stedfastly gazed at her; when she observed it, she took up +the nosegay and buried her face in it. "You think it somewhat +indiscreet on my part," he said, "that I sit before you, as though I +were admiring a fine painting; but is it not pardonable if I gaze with +astonishment on that soft bloom which remains as fresh as though hardly +a day had passed since our last meeting. If I banished from my mind the +thought that fourteen years have gone over my head, and that I may be a +married man to-morrow, I might easily delude myself into the belief +that I am sitting in the conservatory of your parent's house, and have +just laid aside the book in which I had been reading aloud to you, who +were meanwhile watching the gnats dancing on the pond, or the falling +of the leaves. In reality however, only youth can give us those hours +of enraptured extasy, that entire blending of the soul with the soul of +nature, when we are freed from the fetters of our own individuality +only to be united, like a plant, all the more closely with the +elements. When I walked home, still entranced, after one of those +evenings, I felt as if I were carried along the poplar alley, as a +feather is borne by the breeze. In later years we often call that +feeling sentimentality, but even now I cannot laugh at it."</p> + +<p class="normal">"If I smiled at it in those days, I now feel as if I ought to apologize +for it. We girls are taught by our education to watch over our +sentiments, and to be cautious in our enthusiasms. Now I may confess to +you that I often only wished for Cora to disturb our reading hour by +her barking, or for Frederick to summon us to tea, because I could no +longer restrain my tears."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You always had the firmer character of the two. The cement which has +consolidated my nature has only grown hard in the bracing atmosphere of +a stirring, and active life. But the names you have just uttered, what +remembrances they bring back to me! My friend, and my enemy, Frederick, +and Cora. That dear old Frederick. I know that he heartily pitied me, a +feeling which is said to be rare between rivals. You cannot be ignorant +of the feelings with which you inspired him. He worshipped you as +devotedly as a gardener, a servant, can worship his young mistress. He +looked on his case as still more hopeless than mine, though with regard +to our social position, his was by far the more settled of the two. The +quiet sympathy of hopelessness united us. Often when he had come to +fetch us from the conservatory and you were skipping before us after +your dog, and overtaking it, would catch it up in your arms, and kiss +it, he would turn to me with jealous wrath, and say: 'Now, can you +understand. Master Valentine, what pleasure our young lady can find in +hugging that stupid brute?' With an indignant shake of his head; the +hair of which he always arranged carefully, since he served at table, +and could offer you the dishes. If you confess the truth, you will own +that you only fondled that ugly creature for the sake of driving us +distracted."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Do not speak ill of the dead," rejoined Eugénie. "Cora sleeps the +sleep of death, not far from the pond where the bench stands underneath +the elm-tree; do you remember it?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"How could I have forgotten it? Was it not on that bench that I +fastened your skates, when we started on that skating expedition with +your cousin Lucy. How is your cousin getting on?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"She is now a fine lady, with a large family. If she only knew that I +have met you here! Not more than a month ago we were talking of you. +She has a kind remembrance of you, and has not forgotten that bright +winter's afternoon, when we first initiated you in the art of skating, +and she maintains that you squeezed her hand on that occasion with more +ardour than your later behaviour warranted. Since then a shade of +fickleness darkens the otherwise favourable recollection she has of +you."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Good heavens!" he exclaimed laughing; "so the most harmless cannot +escape suspicion. To be sure I was not wholly guiltless, but as it so +often happens I must suffer for another sin than that which I really +committed. When you both held my hands to guide my first steps on the +slippery plain, I longed to express more to you by the firm pressure of +my hand than the mere desire not to fall. But you were always +inaccessible to any intelligence of that kind. You will now bear me +witness that I need not reproach myself with regard to little Lucy. Ah! +I still remember it all as if it had been yesterday! I still feel the +glow which rushed through my veins, in spite of the cold December wind; +the enrapturing touch of your hand, which seemed to linger with me for +weeks after. Do not be displeased," he continued, "at my speaking so +freely of all this. We are no longer the same and can now talk of these +things as though they had occurred to some one else. Is it not an +innocent pleasure if I now tell you what so often hung on my lips in +those days, and was always repressed by that unlucky timidity of mine. +We now meet as good comrades do after having settled a debt."</p> + +<p class="normal">"And which of us is the creditor?" she asked. "Both of us," he replied. +"Do you not think that I too have some right to that title? If you but +knew what trouble you have caused me; how long your image stood between +me, and every enjoyment of life. But you must have guessed it. When I +used to watch for you on your way to your drawing lesson, when my heart +beat at the sight of your checked cloak, and grey hat--and when I +passed you with all the equanimity I could muster, happy in having been +allowed to salute you, did the unfortunate fate of the poor lad who so +humbly bowed to you never smite your conscience?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"You are greatly mistaken my dear friend," she said, with a charming +look of merriment. "I blushed whenever I met any one in that attire +which I fancied gave me the appearance of a scarecrow. The cloak had +long passed out of fashion, but my mother thought it good enough for +the drawing lesson. How many tears of mortified vanity have I not dried +with a corner of that detested garment."</p> + +<p class="normal">He laughed. "You see how widely our natures differ. Fate did wisely in +separating us. I for my part on my travels through the world vainly +sought for a similar cloak which seemed to me to be the essence of all +that is beautiful. In France I once remarked at some distance the same +kind of checked stuff. I rushed after it, but found to my +disappointment that the wearer in no way resembled the lady of my +thoughts. Since that time I am inclined to believe that it was the +wearer and not the garment which haunted the dreams of my youth."</p> + +<p class="normal">During this conversation the music had continued and the air in the +apartment became hot and oppressive. The young woman agitated her fan, +and inhaled with parted lips the refreshing breeze from it. She +reminded her friend of a remark he had once read in a French book on +the affinity existing between certain blue eyes, and certain glittering +teeth. He told her so. "You see," he continued, "how freely I take +advantage of the privilege of friendship, telling you every thought +which crosses my mind, I make up for my long silence, and you will not +take it amiss. Truly it seems that Providence intends to make me a good +husband and father as on the eve of the important step I am about to +take it relieves my mind from all anxiety regarding it. If I had not +met you, I should never, even in the midst of every domestic felicity, +have been able to rid myself of the fear that some day or other you +would appear, and turn my head as you did years ago. Now that you know +my intentions and that we have placed our friendship on a warm, and +steady footing, I can start on to-morrow's expedition in search of a +wife, with an easy heart."</p> + +<p class="normal">They had both risen, and now admired the flowers. "How beautiful this +candelabra is," she remarked. "Fortuna subjected by man, and made to +give him light."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I believe it to represent the goddess of victory. The ball on which +fortune glides from us, is wanting here, but Victory remains faithful +to the daring."</p> + +<p class="normal">"In that case Victory by serving you on the eve of your expedition, +foretells you good luck."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I see you doubt my courage Madam. Certainly you above all others have +a right to do so. But this time I hope to manage my affairs better than +I did fourteen years ago. I intend to challenge my fortune, be it good, +or bad, and force an answer from it. If she smiles on me, I promise you +that to you first, I shall be the herald of my heroic achievement. But +enough of myself as a topic; as yet you have told me nothing of your +own life, and how the years have passed with you. I could not muster +courage to make enquiries about you. After I heard that you were +married, I studiously avoided every place where tidings of you could +reach me. I am even unacquainted with the name of your husband. Will +you introduce me to him. He probably has accompanied you here?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"I lost my husband seven years ago."</p> + +<p class="normal">He started--"My son is all that is left to me," she resumed, "and I +must now part with him. He has become quite unruly from staying with my +mother in the country, and even if I could find a tutor who knew how to +manage him, I should be sorry to see him pass the merry time of youth +without any companions of his own age."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I long to see him," he hastily said, without lifting his eyes from the +flowers in her hand. "So he has lost his father; poor child! When he +has grown up you must send him on a visit to me. I will take him out +hunting, give him my horses to ride, and if he should fall in love with +my daughter, why in that case the beginning and the end would once more +be united, although in a different manner from what I blind mortal, +once dreamt. Would you consent to the match Eugénie?" and he stretched +out his hand to her.</p> + +<p class="normal">"With all due regard to the future father-in-law of my son," she +replied gaily. "I should wish first to see the young lady herself, +especially as you cannot even answer for her mother."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Of course you must approve of the mother; I should never think of +marrying her, if she had the misfortune to displease you! The wisest +course would be!"--</p> + +<p class="normal">The conversation was here interrupted by a young man, who hesitatingly +approached the embrasure of the window, with the intention of inviting +the lady to dance. She declined, alleging the fatigue of her night +journey as an excuse, and then she left the bower, and mingled with +the rest of the company. Valentine who had remained standing by the +palm-tree, watched her figure amongst the others, and now and then he +fancied he heard her voice. It appeared to him as if he had forgotten +some question of importance, and he tried to recall it to his mind. At +last he remembered that he ought to have enquired for her mother. He +went in search of her to repair his neglect but he could not find her +either in the saloon or in the adjoining rooms. She had disappeared.</p> + + +<hr class="W20"> + + +<p class="normal">It was on the second day after this meeting; a dense morning fog +still filled the street but the air above was clear, and promised a +sunny day, that in one of the rooms of the hotel, Eugénie sat at a +writing-table, an unfinished letter lying before her. Her folded hands +rested on the paper, and her thoughts strayed far away from the +contents of those lines.</p> + +<p class="normal">Now and then when a step was heard in the passage, she started up, and +listened, but they always passed the door, and she remained alone.</p> + +<p class="normal">Why did all her thoughts revert to the past, to that particular walk in +the garden where the sunflowers and china asters grew, and the small +fruit-trees threw long shadows across the cabbage beds. The sun was +shining through the high hedge but the air did not resound with the +song of birds. To-morrow when the day waned, she would be far away from +this homely spot, and when she returned, the fruit-trees would be bare, +and snow would cover the ground. The young student who walked by her +side and was digging holes in the gravel with the point of her parasol, +was fully aware of this. He had seen the travelling carriage in the +courtyard, and watched Frederick fastening the valise on the box. When +people start on a journey, who can tell if they will return, or at +least return the same as they went, Is it not expedient then to +exchange one's last bequests, especially if each is disposed to +bequeath body and soul to the other.</p> + +<p class="normal">If he had but known how highly he ought to value her condescension in +leading the way to this remote and solitary corner of the garden. As +she walked along, she upbraided herself with having thus far made +advances to him. But she would not take a step further, now it was his +turn to forward matters, and if he did not, she would never forgive +herself for having done so much to loosen his tongue. For it had a high +opinion of the dignity of its sex, this young head of seventeen, and if +the unfortunate youth by her side, had choked with mute respect, she +would not have spoken a word to help him. Was not this walk +sufficiently secluded, and the sun at their backs; was it not the only +time she had ever walked with him in the kitchen garden, and above all, +had he not seen the travelling carriage in the yard.</p> + +<p class="normal">On no account, however, was he to perceive that she had contrived all +this for his sake. She talked eagerly of the approaching journey, +expressed her pleasure at seeing her cousins again, and laughingly +described every one of them.</p> + +<p class="normal">They had reached the end of the walk, and had looked over the hedge, +but he became more and more laconic. At last he quite ceased talking +and she too became silent. Feelings of passion and mortification rose +in her breast, and nearly choked her. Then she suddenly turned towards +him, and colouring deeply said: "Let us now go back; and give me my +parasol. I shall want it on my journey, and you will break it to +pieces. I must hasten home, as I still have many things to pack. Do you +know that I quite shudder when I think of how much my intellectual +refinement will retrograde during my absence. I shall hardly remember +the English kings in Shakespear's works, which you have taken so much +trouble to impress on my mind. It is a pity, but what can I do? My +cousins are not such pedants as you are. If I return--but who can tell +whether my aunt will not keep me through the winter. Well, it may be a +long time before we can resume our studies and if I pass my examination +badly, this long absence must plead for me."</p> + +<p class="normal">More than a year passed before they met again--When the morning +arrived, the travelling carriage was ready to start and the ladies +sitting in it, he approached the door of it and offered a bouquet. The +mother accepted it with many thanks. Eugénie nodded gaily to him, and +gave him her gloved hand. He did not see her pale face, and swollen +eyes behind her thick veil. He closed the door and bowed. As the +carriage drove away, Frederic turned once more towards Valentine, and +across his honest face there passed an expression of pity for his less +fortunate rival.</p> + +<p class="normal">This had been in autumn. When they returned in the middle of winter, +Valentine had left the town; he was occupied at a small court of +justice in the country. Only in the following summer he once again rang +the well known bell at the garden gate. On being told that the house +was full of visitors, cousins, and others who were strangers to him, he +charged the servant with a message that he would return another time; +but a cold bow from her mother whom he met in the streets next day, +showed him that he should not find all as he had hoped; so he never +returned.</p> + +<p class="normal">Was his absence regretted? Who could solve the enigma on Eugénie's pale +face, when three years later, she married the man her mother had chosen +for her. But now when her thoughts wandered back from the letter before +her to those days of old, the words of a pensive song resounded in her +heart: "There was a time when happiness was mine to give and take +etc."----</p> + +<p class="normal">The clattering of swift hoofs was now heard in the street, and she flew +to the window. A horseman on a beautiful grey Arab galloped through the +thick fog which closed behind him. Clouds of steam arose from the +reeking nostrils of the horse.</p> + +<p class="normal">With an agitated glow in her eyes, she watched the proud and manly +bearing of the rider, and the ease with which he managed his restless +horse.</p> + +<p class="normal">What a difference between this chivalrous firmness, and the soft +pensive manner of his youth. Still she had recognized at their first +meeting, that his heart had lost none of its fresh bloom; it was +developed not changed. Had he this time divested himself of his former +timidity, and spoken the binding words? She shuddered at the thought.</p> + +<p class="normal">Rapid steps were now heard ascending the stairs. Her habitual +self-command did not forsake her, and when Valentine entered the room, +her face was calm in spite of the quick beating of her heart. She met +him with a smile, and offered him her hand. "Good morning," she said: +"so you have kindly kept your promise! The triumphant prancing of your +horse has already apprised me that you return crowned with success."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Eugénie," he replied, "you must highly value my visit of to-day, for I +have made it in spite of my conviction that you will have a good laugh +at my expense. My only acquisition by yesterday's expedition is this +horse which I paid for in ready money, and this apple which I stole." +And he laid a fine wax-like apple on the table. "I do not hold the +booty obtained by your campaign so very despicable. I understand +nothing about horses, but as you doubtless obtained the apple from the +hands of your chosen one"----</p> + +<p class="normal">"If I had but reached that point," he resumed despondingly; "the rest +would be easy enough. You are greatly mistaken, however, if you are +inwardly accusing me of having been again wanting in courage. It was +the superfluity of it which in this case hindered my success. Upon my +word, I would, without the slightest hesitation, have made a +declaration to each of the three young ladies, one after the other."</p> + +<p class="normal">"What a pretty disaster you would have caused." "I never expected +anything of you but an ironical pity. Still--you may judge from this +how thoroughly perplexed I am--I turn to you for help."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You expect more of me than with the best intentions I can give you."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Ah, but you can help me Eugénie. Now listen and I will give you an +account of it all. My friend, and I spent a whole day in their +company."</p> + +<p class="normal">"That is either a very long, or a very short time as you take it."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You are right. The time is long enough to fall in love with all three +sisters, and much too short to decide which of them is to be preferred. +The only way would be to take the whole batch from the nest."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Are the nestlings so unfledged that they would submit to that?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"To tell the truth I never thought of that. The chief thing for me is +to get so enraptured with one of the sisters, that she should banish +the other two from my mind. But at my age it is difficult to grow +enthusiastic."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Then all three are equally irresistible?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Quite so, all of them made to be kissed, and each of them a different +style of beauty; so that when one sees them together one feels that one +could never be satisfied with only one of them."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Your account is given in too vague and extravagant terms. I wish to +have it in proper order, and with every detail. First then comes the +fair, then the auburn, then the dark one; or how do they follow in +age?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"I don't know."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Well, then we will arrange them according to size, and begin with the +smallest. Is it the auburn haired young lady?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"I really cannot tell."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You seem to have employed your time badly, or was it the triple +fascination which had such power over your feelings from the first, +that your senses left you?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Certainly I cannot excuse myself on that score," he replied laughing. +"I do not remember a more disagreeable sensation than I had yesterday +on my way to L---- A visit to the dentist is a pleasure trip compared +to it. Several times I was on the point of jumping out of the carriage, +but then I reflected that my cousin's horses would soon have overtaken +me, and then I should have been delivered over ignominiously into the +hands of my evil destiny. For on this point, my friend, who is in every +other respect so yielding, knows no mercy. So I plucked up courage, and +thinking over all the evil that had ever befallen me in the course of +my life I tried to find comfort by repeating that in fact it all +amounted very much to the same thing. At last we arrived. I had +stipulated from the beginning that my cousin should not say a word of +my real purpose, either to the father, or to the young ladies. The +doctor was not at home when we first arrived, so we only found the +sisters of fate in the neatest of dresses, fresh and charming like +three rose buds on one stalk. Yes in truth they equalled the three +graces, and their manners too were far from being provincial. I could +not tire of looking at them."</p> + +<p class="normal">"The beginning seems promising."</p> + +<p class="normal">"When they perceived us, they left their several domestic occupations, +and ran to meet my cousin. Then arose a delightful trio of merry +girlish voices around us. Of course my share of their words, and looks +of greeting, was at first only what civility demanded, and I was quite +contented with this, as it gave me a good opportunity of quietly +observing them. When I first entered the room, and perceived the dark +haired young lady, who looked up from her work with large and wondering +eyes, I said to myself; This is the one, I always had a prediliction +for dark hair. The next moment however, I again wavered at the sight of +the fair haired one, whose voice is as clear as a bird's, and her skin +as white as the cherry blossom. Then the auburn haired one entered, +grace and modesty personified. You will understand, that under these +circumstances my countenance did not wear a very intelligent +expression. However I was soon on very good terms with the three young +ladies, and when they conducted me to the stables to show me the horse, +I even took the liberty of lifting the fair one on its back, and led it +about in the courtyard."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Then it is the fair one."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Not exactly; I only gave her a ride because she was the most +courageous, and appeared to be very familiar with the grey Arab. She +sat on his back with folded arms as calmly as if she had been on her +sofa, whereas the auburn haired one clung to the mane with a charming +timidity."</p> + +<p class="normal">"So all three had to display their horsemanship; at least you can now +judge of the weight of your future wife."</p> + +<p class="normal">"No, the dark haired one was not put to the test. Their father had now +joined us. He turned them out of the stable-yard, and charged them to +provide for our dinner. Then we soon settled the bargain, and ratified +it by a bottle of good Heidelberg wine. The doctor pleased me. He is +just the sort of man one would desire for a father-in-law. Besides he +is a good sportsman, an excellent judge of horses, and the best chess +player in the neighbourhood."</p> + +<p class="normal">"In that case your young wife will pass very amusing evenings."</p> + +<p class="normal">"If it ever comes to that. But as I said before I lost my time, and +opportunities, in a most inexcusable manner. In the afternoon we walked +through the town to see the old castle in which the former king gave +great entertainments, but under the present government it is quite +deserted. The place where the orange-trees stood is now turned into an +orchard. It was a pretty sight to see the delicious looking apples, and +pears lying carefully assorted in great heaps on the green grass; and I +never inhaled a more refreshing odour than was diffused over the spot. +So we walked along; the three sisters in front with light straw hats +and all dressed alike; then we three behind them. While I was examining +them, the thought struck me that I was now in the same position as that +prince who while keeping his father's flocks, was suddenly called on to +award the prize of beauty to one of the three goddesses."</p> + +<p class="normal">"So you appropriated to yourself this apple, hoping to extricate +yourself from your embarrassment by a symbolical allusion."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I certainly put it in my pocket with that intention; and as we rambled +through the old park, and now one of the sisters, and now another +walked beside me on the narrow path, I several times felt fully +convinced that just this girl was the right one and I secretly grasped +the apple. Then again when one of the others turned round towards me, +or some word or sound of laughter reached me I hastily replaced it. So +I did not dispose of it, and have brought it back with me.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Is it not provoking Eugénie, that when love was at hand courage was +wanting, and now that I have gained courage, love is not forthcoming."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You must not despair at the outset," she said, encouragingly. "Your +first attempt was not so very bad. Rome was not built in a day, neither +can you expect to found your domestic felicity in so short a time. Are +their names all equally pleasing to you? I lay much stress upon names, +and can easily understand the feelings of that dauphin who would not +wed a woman called Uracca."</p> + +<p class="normal">"That cannot decide me either," he answered, despondingly. "Anna, +Claire, and Mary, I know not which I prefer. No, my kind friend, I now +look to you for assistance."</p> + +<p class="normal">"To me, I cannot guess how I can be of use to you in this intricate +affair."</p> + +<p class="normal">"It is certainly a great favour which I require from your friendship," +he replied with some hesitation. He had now risen, and had taken the +apple in his hand. He threw it several times into the air, caught it +again, and finally replaced it on the table. "You see," he resumed, +"when after having passed a very restless night, I mounted my horse--my +cousin had driven back the same evening--and as I rode through the +fog in the frosty morning air, it occurred to me what a strange +co-incidence, it was that just before deciding on the most important +step of my life, I should meet you once more; you the only one who +really knows me, and in whom I could freely confide, were anything +wanting to your knowledge of my character. I recalled to mind all your +kindness to me, and also all the harm you have done me, and I felt +convinced that you really were my debtor, and owed me some reparation +for all my misfortunes, and privations. What I further thought, +Eugénie!----Well, that is not to the purpose now.--So I devised a plan +which I hope you will not mar."</p> + +<p class="normal">"What is it?" she asked absently.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Would you consent to get into a carriage with me, and accompany me to +L----? I would take you to the doctor's house, and then you could see +the three girls side by side. The one to whom you gave this apple would +become my wife. I solemnly promise you that I will not raise the +slightest objection to your choice."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You cannot give me full powers, and I could not accept them in such a +case."</p> + +<p class="normal">"And why so? I am quite convinced that I could be tolerably happy with +any one of them; indeed, for that matter, if I did not think it +presumptuous, I might simply write down their names, throw them into my +hat, and draw my lot with closed eyes. It could not be a great prize, +<i>that</i> has passed for ever; at least many things would have to be +changed; but at all events I should not draw a blank. But why should it +be hazarded, why should you think the responsibility so great, if I +consult you as the friend of my youth, with the firm conviction that a +clever woman can more easily fathom the depth of a girl's character, +than a man ever can."</p> + +<p class="normal">"But even if I consented to your adventurous scheme, under what +pretence would you introduce me to the family?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"I have also considered this point," he said, striking with his whip +the many coloured pattern of the carpet. "I introduce you to the good +people as my betrothed. In this way we are sure to obtain our end, for +every girl, even the most undesigning, in the presence of a bachelor +endeavours to shew herself in the best light. They are daughters of +Eve. But if I return to them as one already disposed of we shall easily +be able to find out which of the sisters has been acting a part and, +perhaps, I may even discover that one of them has secretly monopolized +my heart. Surprise often brings to light the true character."</p> + +<p class="normal">He glanced at Eugénie who stood before him with an air of quiet +deliberation. She had let him come to the end of his proposal, but now +she shook her head.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Think of some other plan, Valentine. I cannot consent to this one."</p> + +<p class="normal">"There is no danger in it."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Possibly, but I am neither skilled enough, nor do I feel inclined to +act that part, and were I suddenly to drop the mask my embarrassment +could hardly exceed yours."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Consent at least to assume the character of a sister."</p> + +<p class="normal">She considered for a while. "If I agree to this," she said at last, "I +only do so for the sake of proving how little I can help you. The +qualities in a girl, which please or displease an old woman, are +totally different from those which seem important to a man. I confess +that curiosity has a share in my decision, and above all the fear of +your cousin, who would never forgive me if I did not further his +philanthropic plans on your behalf."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I thank you," he exclaimed joyously, taking her hand and kissing it. +"Now I am free from all anxiety. A true friend is certainly one of the +greatest blessings under heaven. I will go this moment to the landlord, +and order a carriage."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Your wooer's wings must submit however to some delay. Or do you expect +me to perform the part you have forced upon me in my morning dress and +cap?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"In truth," he replied, "I never noticed that. In my opinion you might +boldly drive to L---- in your present attire. The hair so pushed back +under your cap, shows your fair temples to advantage, I am enabled +again to admire those unruly meshes in your neck which in former days +ensnared my poor heart, like a fish struggling in a net."</p> + +<p class="normal">She held up her finger threateningly, and then said, while a sudden +blush suffused her face: "Take care, else I will betray you to your +future bride. Your triple courtship, however, excuses the disregard +with which you treat the toilette of an old friend. Here are some +books; amuse yourself in the meantime; I will be back presently."</p> + +<p class="normal">She disappeared into the adjoining room and closed the door behind her.</p> + +<p class="normal">He approached the table on which the apple lay, and after pensively +gazing at it for a while, he suddenly gave it an angry push, which sent +it flying over the edge of the table, and rolling across the carpet. He +sighed, and as if to rouse himself struck his hand with his whip till +it smarted. He then mechanically took up one of the books which lay in +the corner of the sofa. It was a volume of Mörike's poems, and they +exercised on him their powerful charm. He forgot all around him, and +drawn on from page to page was soon completely absorbed in "The moonlit +path of love once sacred."</p> + +<p class="normal">Suddenly the door from the passage opened and a lad of about ten years +rushed into the room.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Mother," he cried, "will you allow me---- Why to be sure she is not +here," he then said to himself, and turned his sharp clear eyes +inquiringly on the stranger. "Come here, my boy," said Valentine +stretching out his hand to him. "Your mother is dressing in the next +room. What is your name?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Fred is my name."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Won't you give me your hand, Fred?"</p> + +<p class="normal">The lad hesitated. "Who are you?" he asked partly embarrassed, partly +defiant.</p> + +<p class="normal">"I am an old acquaintance of your mother's. She will not object to your +giving me your hand. So, that is right. Will you come to see me some +day? I have four handsome horses in my stables. I will give you a small +gun, and will take you out shooting with me. The first hare you shoot, +you shall bring to your mother."</p> + +<p class="normal">The boy's eyes sparkled, but suddenly he became thoughtful, and said, +"I should like it very much, but I must go to school. This is my last +holiday, and the two sons of the head-master have just invited me to go +into the fields with them to fly a kite."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Well, then you will come to see me in the vacation time. Would you +like that, Frederick?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Yes, if my mother permits it."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Go, and ask her, my dear boy. We will become fast friends, won't we?"</p> + +<p class="normal">The lad nodded. Valentine took him up and kissed him. Then his mother +called him into her room; and Valentine heard him, as he eagerly +repeated what the strange gentleman had said to him. "He gave me a +kiss," continued the boy. "Why does he love from the first moment he +sees me?"</p> + +<p class="normal">They continued the conversation in an under tone, and then the boy left +his mother's room by another door.</p> + +<p class="normal">Valentine approached the window, and watched him as he left the house, +and joined his two playfellows, who had been waiting below for him. His +fair straight hair hung in masses about his shoulders; his round +childish face beamed underneath the border of his cap. Yet the man at +the window seemed to find no pleasure in the sight.</p> + +<p class="normal">When Eugénie, dressed for the drive, entered the room, she found him +still in the same position. She wore a dark green hat with a waving +black feather, and a short grey cloak which closely fitted her fine +figure. "I am ready, my friend," she said; "let us get into the +carriage?"</p> + +<p class="normal">He looked up in confusion. "The carriage?" he asked.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Yes, the carriage which I suppose you ordered long ago."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I confess," he replied, "that I have not yet done so. I did not expect +you to be dressed so soon."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You are certainly the first man to complain of that. Well, so it seems +that I must provide for our departure."</p> + +<p class="normal">She rung the bell and ordered a carriage. Whilst her orders were being +executed, Valentine remained standing near the window, and attentively +examined the arabesques on the curtain. He perceived that she stooped +to pick up the apple, but did not anticipate her.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Well, I think you ought to treat this fine apple with more respect," +she said jestingly. "You see it has been already injured by its heavy +fall."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Perhaps it were best Eugénie to leave it where it is. The reluctant +shudder of yesterday is already coming over me. Why must I try my luck +at L---- Why should it be one of the three sisters. Possibly I need not +look so far to find what I desire."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You ought to be ashamed of your vacillation," she answered with +comical solemnity. "Is this the courage you boasted of? Come, rouse +your spirits, and replace the stolen apple in your pocket. The sin you +have committed by this theft, can only be expiated by the more +difficult task of stealing the heart of one of the sisters. Come, I +hear the carriage driving to the door. You have excited my curiosity, +and I shall not rest till it is satisfied."</p> + +<p class="normal">When the carriage had left the town, and was rolling smoothly along the +even road, Valentine broke the silence. "I have become acquainted with +your son, Eugénie," he said.</p> + +<p class="normal">"You must praise him to me," she hastily returned; "I am a very proud +mother, he is the very image of his father."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I thought so," he resumed. "The face seemed strange to me. I only +recognized the mouth. This mouth is strikingly like yours, Eugénie."</p> + +<p class="normal">She turned away towards the carriage window, and her eyes wandered over +the landscape, which had now contracted, so as to form a narrow valley +surrounded on both sides by steep vineyards. The mist had entirely +cleared away, and the wet tendrils and leaves of the vines sparkled in +the bright sunlight. The river bordered with willows, and alders flowed +smoothly by the road side, and small barges glided rapidly along the +current. Nothing is so refreshing and enlivening as a drive on a fine +autumn day. Valentine experienced its charm and soon resumed the +conversation. He enquired after the health of her mother, and after a +while Eugénie began to speak of her husband. "You would have been his +friend, Valentine," she gravely said. "He was an excellent man, and a +brave officer and he had a profound and unaffected admiration for all +that is good and beautiful. Those who did not know him intimately +thought him cold and indifferent, but inwardly, he was full of generous +warmth which he kept for his family, his friends and those who were in +want. My mother still grieves for him, as she grieved for my father. I +hope that Frederick will some day resemble him in every respect."</p> + +<p class="normal">Valentine was silent for a long time. At last he asked, without looking +at his companion, "Have you never thought of choosing a second husband +among the many suitors who no doubt have surrounded you?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"No, my dear friend," she answered quietly. "Passions have never +troubled me, and a marriage founded on esteem--it always is a lucky +chance if one does not repent of it afterwards."</p> + +<p class="normal">They had now reached a turn in the valley, and the unexpected change of +scene interrupted the conversation. On the left hand where the vine +covered hills receded from the river, lay a small town, the industry of +whose inhabitants was testified by the smoking chimnies of many +factories, and the roaring and clashing of the water engines.</p> + +<p class="normal">A broad stone bridge led across the river, and high above the old gable +roofed houses, rose the graceful edifice of a gothic church, whose +perforated spire of delicate fret-work with the ornamented cross at the +top, projected boldly into the clear blue sky, and was surrounded by +swarms of pigeons.</p> + +<p class="normal">"This is C----" said the coachman, pulling up his horses for a moment, +and pointing towards the town with the end of his whip.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Drive over the bridge," cried Valentine; "we wish to visit that +beautiful cathedral before we proceed on our journey."</p> + +<p class="normal">Eugénie looked at him enquiringly. "Let me manage it all," continued +Valentine, turning to her. "We are sure of reaching the doctor's house +in good time, so I propose that we rest here awhile, climb up to that +steeple, and dine at the inn of the place; by this plan we shall not +arrive just as my future father-in-law is sitting down to dinner. +To-night there is full moon, so that our drive back, though somewhat +late, will not be the less pleasant."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Be it so," she replied, "I only stipulate that the rest of our plan +remain as we had first agreed upon, and that the valiant knight does +not seek a pretext to keep the apple again in his own pocket."</p> + +<p class="normal">He laughingly promised it on his honour as a knight.</p> + +<p class="normal">The carriage had now stopped before the cathedral. They got out and +desired the old portal to be opened for them. The grey-haired +door-keeper slowly led them through the lofty nave and aisles, coughing +and gasping at every step.</p> + +<p class="normal">"The dank air of the church is not good for you, old lady," remarked +Valentine. "Have you not a grandchild, who could serve in your stead, +as a guide to strangers? You ought to sit basking in the sun. Go, and +leave us to find the way by ourselves."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Showing the church is all well enough," replied the old woman, "but I +can no longer drag myself up the steep stairs of the steeple; so if the +lady and gentleman wish to climb up there, they will have to go by +themselves. You cannot miss the way; one flight of steps follows the +other, till you reach the upper gallery; once there, you will have had +enough of it."</p> + +<p class="normal">Valentine looked at Eugénie. "Shall we try?" he asked. She nodded, so +they passed through the narrow portal, guarded by two dragons hewn in +stone and they began their ascent; leaving their old conductress below. +Up there the scanty warmth, and light of the autumnal sun could not +penetrate, and the dim cool twilight which prevailed, inclined them to +silence. As they ascended the winding stairs, Valentine watched the +little feet, which so nimbly mounted the steps before him. He felt as +if he could not but follow them, even if they chose to venture out on +the steep roof, which now and then was to be seen through the +apertures. He heaved an involuntary sigh. She stopped on one of the +landing places, and turning looked smilingly at him. "You are out of +breath it seems."</p> + +<p class="normal">"On the contrary, I feel as if I had too much of it," he replied.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Do not squander it, methinks you will yet want it. See how high above +the world we are already, and still the gallery over the nave is much +higher."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I believe you are in fact leading me straight to heaven, Eugénie."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Gently, gently, you must first deserve it," she replied laughingly.</p> + +<p class="normal">"And if I carry it by storm?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"It remains to be seen whether you are as exempt from giddiness, as +such a titanic achievement would require. But I would rather you now +walked before me; for the stairs grow narrower, and narrower, and I +fear I shall lose courage if I see no one in front of me."</p> + +<p class="normal">He complied with her wish, and pensively ascended the steps before her. +Only the rustling of her dress against the wall told him that she was +still behind him. So they reached the first gallery which ran round the +base of the spire, and entered the interior part of it. "Don't let us +stop here," she said, "I will not look around me, till we have reached +to the very top. Meanwhile we can admire what is above us. Look how +curiously, this pointed airy tent of stone closes around us; a cool +bower. It is a pity that the wooden pillar which supports the small +upper staircase, somewhat disfigures it, and mars the effect of this +beautiful sculptured rosace. But to be sure without it, we could not +reach the very point of the spire. Come now, let us proceed in our +ascent."</p> + +<p class="normal">They soon stood beside each other on the aerial summit, and gazed with +exulting awe into the fathomless depth below them. The numberless +denticulations and ornamented pinnacles of the cathedral, the hundreds +of chimnies and roofs, the neat market-place with its quaint looking +old town-hail, the swarms of people in the streets, every thing +appeared small, strange, and silent as if it were a world of pigmies. +At a little distance the river basked in the sun, resembling a silver +snake, and its ripples glittered like scales in the light. Further down +the valley in the grey distance, above the vineyards rose the clear and +cloudless outlines of blue and purple hills. As they stood beside each +other, and leant over the stone parapet, he gazed intently at her +purely cut profile, which she had heedlessly exposed to the sun. Her +eyes were still fixed on the world below her; the wind had dishevelled +her long hair and the loosened tresses brushed Valentine's cheek. She +did not notice it; her parted lips eagerly inhaled the freshening +breeze, her delicate nostrils dilated, and the blood flowed more +rapidly through her blue veins.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Are we not amply repaid for the fatiguing ascent," she asked. "How +beautiful it is here. The further we are separated from our fellow +creatures the dearer to our hearts they become. I can easily imagine +that if a fierce misanthrope filled with animosity and hate were to +ascend to these heights, with the intention of precipitating himself +over the parapet, he would be suddenly softened and converted, after +looking on these humble roofs, underneath which thousands of people +bear the sufferings and toils of this life, and are contented if they +can only see the sun, and the sky, and the golden cross on their +steeple."</p> + +<p class="normal">"There certainly is a purifying virtue in the air of higher regions," +he replied in a low voice. "We are freed from the oppression of daily +petty considerations and customs, and are drawn nearer to the Creator. +We feel as if we were called to rise above the world, part of which we +survey at our feet. Even the most faint-hearted must feel the wings of +his soul expand, and that which he dared not utter or even think in the +midst of the din, and cares of every day life, here spontaneously flows +from his heart to his lips."</p> + +<p class="normal">Suddenly the sound of trumpets and flutes reached them from below, and +they saw a band of music followed by a crowd, slowly advancing in +solemn procession, as it issued out of one of the narrow streets, and +marched across the market-place. The brass of the instruments sparkled +in the sun and some of the people wore bouquets in their hats. +"Apparently a wedding," remarked Valentine. "But where is the bride?" +interposed Eugénie. "It rather seems to me to be one of those +expeditions which now daily proceed to the vintage accompanied by +singing and music. But you have just mentioned weddings; that reminds +me of the great aim of our excursion. Come let us descend." He appeared +not to have heard her. "Eugénie," he said, "if we had stood up here +fourteen years ago, all would have been different."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Who can say if it would have been better. I am inclined to think that +all that happens to us is well, and for our good."</p> + +<p class="normal">He had pulled out the apple, and held it before him on the stone +parapet.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Do you really believe that Eugénie?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Yes, I do."</p> + +<p class="normal">"And if I had told you then, what escaped from my lips, the first +evening we again met, what would have been your answer?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"That question, is a matter of conscience, my dear friend," she +replied, carelessly, "which even up here a hundred feet above the every +day world you are not justified in asking. Before I could give you a +clear and concise answer, I should have to read through some chapters +in the book of my life, which I have not perused for many a year." "And +that truly is a trouble which I cannot expect you to take," he replied +in a pained, harsh tone. "Besides it would be useless labour as the +writing must have long since faded. I forgot that though the chapters +in my book, end in a blank, yours have a continuation." Saying these +words he leant over the parapet, and the apple he held in his hand +rolled as if by accident over the edge. In its fall it struck one of +the many pinnacles which surrounded the spire, and broke into several +pieces, which flew, describing wide curves, into the street.</p> + +<p class="normal">"What have you done Valentine?" exclaimed Eugénie; "where shall we be +able to steal another apple? Only fruits of stone can be plucked here. +But now let us hasten down."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You are right," he replied, indifferently, "here every thing is of +stone; I did not think of that." Then he remained silent till they +reached the streets. The gloom however, which had settled on his +countenance, could not hold out against the unconstrained gaiety of his +companion. His brow cleared before they had taken many steps on their +way to the inn. She had taken his arm through the narrow tortuous +streets, her cloak, which in the warm sunshine had become too heavy for +her, hung loosely from her shoulders. As they walked along, they joked +merrily at the smell of the new wine, which met them at the entrance of +every cellar and courtyard and even pervaded the precincts of the old +dilapidated church, and at the large vats which obstructed their way.</p> + +<p class="normal">When they reached the inn, the hour of the table d'hôte had passed, so +they sat down alone in the large room, at a small table, where they +were amply provided with the best wine of the country; but Eugénie +wished for a bottle of that year's vintage. She said she longed to +taste that beverage the scent of which she had so abundantly enjoyed +during her walk--</p> + +<p class="normal">When she had tasted it, she praised the sweet and turbid drink.</p> + +<p class="normal">"It resembles first love," remarked Valentine, "beware of its strength; +it will turn your head."</p> + +<p class="normal">"At my age there is no danger of that," she replied, smiling. "I am an +old woman already, and take my daily nap after dinner. To-day this bad +habit will be of great service to me."</p> + +<p class="normal">She then retired to a room prepared for her, and Valentine remained +alone in company of the wine and his thoughts. The uneasiness of the +morning had passed, and he no longer pondered on what would be the end +of all this. The voice of a good genius secretly whispered in his ear +that fate now smiled on him. He looked around, as if to ascertain that +no one was near, and then hastily took a sip from Eugénie's glass, with +the devout superstition that it would help him to divine her thoughts. +As however no enlightenment on this point was vouchsafed him, he +consoled himself with the thought that without doubt, she was asleep at +that moment, and so could think of nothing. He represented her to +himself reclining on the sofa, her small feet crossed, and her head +drooping on her shoulder. A sensation of happiness thrilled through +him; he felt as if he must hasten upstairs, kneel before the fair +sleeper, and press her hand to his lips. But he soon rejected this +thought, lighted a cigar and patiently waited for Eugénie's appearance. +It certainly seemed as if the new wine had confirmed its reputation, +for more than an hour passed before the door was opened, and his fair +companion re-appeared.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Good morning," she exclaimed, "how long have I slept? truly this wine +though it seems so harmless, is even in its cradle as powerful as an +offspring of the gods. It will be late before we reach the home of your +fair ones."</p> + +<p class="normal">"We never can reach it late enough," he replied, laughing. "Think of +what you promised me on your honour as a knight," she said, with a +menacing gesture, "and hasten our departure. What a careless mother I +am, instead of spending my poor boy's last holiday with him, I stroll +about the country making the acquaintance of new wine, and old +churches."</p> + +<p class="normal">In spite of Valentine's efforts to hasten their departure the day had +waned before they reached their destination. The fog had gathered +again, when the carriage slowly ascended the hill on which the town was +built, and rattled over the bad pavement. Valentine lifted Eugénie from +the carriage when it stopped at the inn, and silently walked by her +side through the streets to the doctor's house. She remarked that he +was greatly agitated, and she almost felt pity for him, but they had +already mounted the stone steps which led up to the neat little house, +the knocker had sounded, and a moment afterwards the door was opened by +a stout little man with large gold spectacles.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Why, what's this!" cried the merry old gentleman, pushing back his +spectacles. "What gives me the unexpected pleasure of seeing you so +soon again? I hope there is nothing wrong about the horse----but I see +you have brought company with you, and I have left you standing out +there in this rude manner. You must excuse me, fair lady; you see we +are still barbarians in this remote corner of the world. I beg you will +honour, my humble roof. But now tell me seriously my dear friend <i>is</i> +there anything the matter with Almansor? Unfortunately you will find no +one but myself at home, my dear Madam; my daughters will be +inconsolable when they hear that during their absence----but I will +send for them this very moment; but stop a bit! why confound me, I +remember now, I have already sent for them, they will be here in a few +minutes. To the left Madam if you please, will you kindly walk in here, +most honoured guests?"</p> + +<p class="normal">They entered the room, the door of which the lively little man had +opened for them. In the centre stood a table laid for four, on which +there were cold viands and a bottle of new wine. The whole was lighted +up by the faint twilight which stole through the window. "Now you can +judge for yourself, my most honoured friend, how we are treated by our +children," resumed the doctor. "Those naughty girls of mine run away, +and leave their papa to wait for his supper. We will play them a trick +however, nothing but the empty dishes, shall they find on their return. +But what a fool I am, inviting you to supper without considering that +this scanty meal is in no way fit for such charming visitors. +Unfortunately the cook is gone to summon them, so there is no one +to----But please to be seated at least, take off your hat and cloak, +and make yourself comfortable--Welcome to L---- most honoured lady. Now +my friend <i>do</i> tell me has the horse?"----</p> + +<p class="normal">"I can relieve your mind on that point my dear doctor," Valentine at +last interposed. "I value Almansor's excellent qualities more than +ever, since he has found favour in the eyes of my betrothed, to whom I +have the pleasure of introducing you." Eugénie bowed to their amazed +host. She checked the words which had risen to her lips, and only a +severe look reproved Valentine for this arbitrary assertion, so +contrary to their treaty.</p> + +<p class="normal">Had the little doctor entertained other hopes since yesterday's visit? +Had he attached greater importance to it than mere horse-dealing?--With +a low bow he stammered forth his congratulations, and thanked Valentine +for honouring him with this visit. However he soon recovered his jovial +equanimity and laughingly said: "Well, you are the most complete +hypocrite and false hearted friend! Did you not on this very spot abuse +matrimony so vehemently, that you even alarmed, and terrified such an +old widower as I am? and then to come next day accompanied by your +betrothed----Well, she certainly is bewitching enough to convert a +heathen.--Pardon me, pardon me, Madam."</p> + +<p class="normal">Valentine laughed. "I can assure you, doctor; that none but you are +responsible, if after all my yesterday's heresy has been retracted."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I? you are joking."</p> + +<p class="normal">"No, I am speaking in good earnest. For you have, or rather your horse +has been of great assistance to me in winning this fair lady's hand. +This morning when mounted on Almansor, I rode up to the window behind +which stood my beloved one, the sight melted the hardness of her heart, +and she acknowledged herself conquered. Hardly had I recovered my +senses, which were somewhat confused by this unexpected victory than I +declared that you should be the first person to hear of our engagement, +so we ordered a carriage and drove to L---- and now permit your +grateful and overjoyed friend to embrace you."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Ah!" exclaimed the delighted doctor, "my fancy for horses has caused +me many vexations, but this master-stroke of Almansor's makes ample +amends for it all. No my dear young lady, you need not take it amiss +that your betrothed has divulged your secret. I esteem you all the more +highly since I find that you acknowledge a man to be only complete on +horseback. Now leave it all to me, my eye ranges all over the country, +and if some day I should find a lady's horse worthy of cantering by the +side of Almansor----"</p> + +<p class="normal">"It shall be <i>mine</i>; let us shake hands over it, doctor, and the first +time I ride with my wife, you shall accompany us."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Agreed," cried the little man, and energetically shook hands with his +guest. "But where are those girls, confound them; just when all is +ready to celebrate this happy event they are wanting."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Are your daughters on a visit in the town?" asked Eugénie.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Yes, my dear young lady, they have been invited to one of the autumnal +grape gatherings, by a friend of mine, who has daughters of the same +age. I have no doubt, that the affair will finish off with a dance; +however I exercised my paternal authority, and strictly enjoined them +to come home before evening. I will not again allow them to dance at +this season of the year, for every time they have done so, they have +brought home bad colds. Now they will miss you delightful visit, and it +serves the disobedient hussies quite right--but they really must come I +will have them fetched home instantly! halloo Henry!" he shouted to a +farm-servant, whom he had seen passing, from the window; "just run over +to the Kitzinger garden and tell Margaret to bring them home +immediately. Now you see," he continued, turning to his guests, who sat +side by side on the sofa without looking at each other, "how little +respect a father enjoys. You must educate your children with more +severity. Ah! if my wife still lived, it would all be different."</p> + +<p class="normal">Eugénie blushed and remained silent, but Valentine exclaimed: "No, no +Doctor, don't disturb your daughters in their merry making. It is true +that I have praised them so much to my dear Eugénie that she will not +leave L---- without having made their acquaintance, but there will be +time for that to-morrow, for the moon does not make its appearance, +and I hear that we shall be well provided for at the inn of the +Crown."--"Are you not of my opinion darling," he said turning to +Eugénie, and suddenly approaching his lips to hers.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Valentine," said the young woman, and drew back quickly, "you seem to +have forgotten what you promised me."--"Now what do you say to that +Doctor? She reminds me of my promise, and does not keep hers. Eugénie +have you not vowed to agree to all my wishes, and are you justified in +refusing a kiss to your betrothed. Come now let us seal our engagement +as students seal their fellowship. We have not yet done so."</p> + +<p class="normal">"That is right!" exclaimed their host. "This is only new wine, but in +the cellar...."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Don't trouble yourself my dear friend; is not new wine sweet, turbid, +and intoxicating like first love. And you must know. Doctor, that the +fair charmer before you has been worshipped by me from the time I +entered college and though fate parted us in later days. 'Old love +fades not,' as the people say, and you know that 'the voice of the +people, is the voice of the gods.' So we will perform the sacred act +with none other but new wine. Fill your glass. Doctor!"</p> + +<p class="normal">He had risen with these words and again turned towards Eugénie, with +two full glasses in his hand. She sat on the sofa suffused with +blushes, and her eyes fixed on the ground. Maidenly confusion sealed +her lips, she tried to speak, but could not utter a word, so she took +the glass mechanically. He then knelt before her, twined his arm within +hers after the fashion of the students and emptied his glass at one +draught. She took a sip from hers with half averted face. Valentine +then threw away his glass and kissed her lips.<a name="div2_05" href="#div2Ref_05"><sup>[5]</sup></a></p> + +<p class="normal">"That's right," said the doctor. "You need not blush fair lady, if an +old man like myself is present at so solemn an act. All I ask as a +reward for my good offices, is that I should be permitted to assist at +the wedding."</p> + +<p class="normal">Valentine silently nodded, and remained standing for a while before +her, pensively gazing on her calm brow.</p> + +<p class="normal">"My dear Doctor," he then began, "you must make some allowance for two +people who are nearly out of their senses with joy. It is no trifling +matter, I assure my dear friend, when one's betrothal is only of a few +hours standing; particularly as this cruel lady love of mine tormented +me so relentlessly with her wicked tricks, and her apparent +indifference struck me dumb, and made me feel as timorous as a bashful +youth. It was so years ago, when she was still in her mother's house, +and I used often to think that I should no longer be able to stand it, +but must plunge into the water to cool my smarting wounds. Then when we +again met after many years of separation she was just the same. How +often, by some jesting word has she not checked the confession which +hovered on my lips, that my feelings for her had remained unaltered; +and who knows how all would have turned out, had it not been for you, +my dear Doctor. Now, however, you see she has quite changed, and you +would never believe how much of subtleness and womanly art lies hidden +beneath those demure eyelids."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Nay, you calumniate me, dear Valentine," she said, and raised her +beautiful moist eyes to his. "It is only natural that I should not show +my feelings so openly here, in a house which is yet strange to me, +though it may not appear so to you."</p> + +<p class="normal">"And whose is the fault, if not mine," cried the doctor, "or rather of +those disobedient damsels who leave all the duties of a host to me." +"Well, where are they? what are they about, why are they not with you +Margaret?" he angrily asked the cook who had now entered the room.</p> + +<p class="normal">"You see. Sir, the master and mistress of the house pressed the young +ladies to stay for the evening," replied the old woman staring at the +two visitors with wondering eyes. "They promised that the young ladies +should not dance too much, and Miss Clara thought that if I put it in +that light to you Sir!..."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Deuce take it," cried the doctor, in a passion, "but they must come +home immediately!"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Nay, my dear Doctor," Eugénie said, entreatingly. "Pray do not burthen +our consciences with this cruelty."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Heaven forbid," Valentine hastily added. "Tomorrow there will be time +enough."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Well, let us go after them," proposed the doctor, "what do you say to +closing this eventful day with a dance?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Are we not better here," replied Valentine, "we do not know your +friends, and would greatly prefer remaining another hour under your +hospitable roof if you will permit us to do so. Is it not so Eugénie?"</p> + +<p class="normal">She nodded. The old gentleman then rubbed his hands delightedly, and +declared that he had not felt so pleased for many a year. He sent the +maid into the cellar and the larder and made her bring all that was to +be found in the house, in spite of the entreaties of his visitors not +to make so much ado for them. When they were at last sitting gaily and +comfortably together, the doctor exclaimed with a look of satisfaction: +"Now if the girls but knew what they have missed by their +disobedience!"</p> + +<p class="normal">Valentine smilingly looked at Eugénie who had now completely recovered +her usual calm demeanour and gave with composure her opinion on the +subject of the future arrangement of their life, which Valentine had +proposed, and played her part admirably.</p> + +<p class="normal">When the clock struck ten, she arose. "I am afraid, we can await your +daughters no longer;" she said, "to-morrow, when they have rested after +their dancing we will return."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I will not detain you," replied the doctor, "for I verily believe that +they will not come home, till I go and fetch them myself. That is the +way they treat their old father. I will forgive them, however, this +time an account of the pleasure they have procured me of having your +society all to myself. But I rely on your promise to return to-morrow, +and perhaps, you will understand my paternal weakness when you see +these naughty daughters of mine."</p> + +<p class="normal">So they all set forth; the doctor had insisted on accompanying them to +the door of the hotel; there he left them, and they silently followed +the waiter who carried the light before them. He opened two adjoining +rooms and after wishing them good night disappeared.</p> + +<p class="normal">Valentine stretched out his hand to Eugénie. She pressed it, and said +calmly, looking up at him,</p> + +<p class="normal">"Good night to you, my dear friend, sleep well, and au revoir +to-morrow."</p> + +<p class="normal">Then she entered her room and closed the door behind her.</p> + +<p class="normal">After remaining quiet for some time he knocked gently at the door which +separated the two rooms.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Eugénie," he whispered.</p> + +<p class="normal">"What do you want?" she asked.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Your good night of before, was against our treaty."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Against what treaty?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"That which we solemnly ratified with the doctor's new wine."</p> + +<p class="normal">"I think we have had enough of this acting I only agreed to the pledge +because I thought it lay in my part."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Can we not continue in earnest, what we began in jest. At all events +it was a solemn vow made before witnesses."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Well, then I will make up for it to-morrow morning, and now once more +good night." But no movement showed that she had turned from the door. +So after a pause Valentine began again,</p> + +<p class="normal">"And all the rest may I not consider it as true?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"What do you mean?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Well, all that we acted this evening."</p> + +<p class="normal">"That is a good deal."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Eugénie."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Well."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Can that be too much which alone can give me back the life and +happiness you have taken from me a thousand times?"</p> + +<p class="normal">"When I consider...."</p> + +<p class="normal">"Oh, Eugénie, say that I may throw myself at your feet, that I may +kneel before you. Do open the door--!"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Gently, gently, my dear friend. You certainly deserve some punishment. +What! is this all your courage? You can only speak out what weighs on +your mind behind the shelter of a closed door! I will bet anything that +you have even put out the light hoping that the darkness may give you +confidence. You dare not acknowledge your love for me in the face of +day. You are a poor hero indeed. But I will now confess to you that I +have owed you a grudge for many a year."</p> + +<p class="normal">"You are jesting again, Eugénie."</p> + +<p class="normal">"No, this time I am thoroughly in earnest. If in former years you had +as little courage as now, why at all events could you not have been as +cunning. Was there no door then behind which you could have owned to me +what now comes too late!"</p> + +<p class="normal">"Too late? No, Eugénie; where are the years that separate us from that +time? Is it not the same timid lad of those days who now stands here, +and implores you to lighten the darkness around him with a heavenly ray +from your eyes. Can you leave me to despair?"</p> + +<p class="normal">He waited some time for an answer. Suddenly the door was noiselessly +opened, and she stood before him smiling, but with tears in her eyes.</p> + +<p class="normal">"One kiss freely given you, as a token of forgiveness for all you have +made me suffer," she said.</p> + +<p class="normal">He folded her in his arms and she softly passed her hand across his +brow, saying: "Here, there are many lines, but our hearts are still +fresh and youthful, and to-morrow we will begin life anew where we left +it off fourteen years ago."</p> + +<p class="normal">She pressed her lips to his, and with his arm round her waist, he led +her to the window. The moon had dispersed the fog, and a gentle +autumnal breeze wafted the scent of the grapes through the open +casement.</p> + +<p class="normal">"Let US drive back to-night, my darling," she said. "I could not sleep +now, and the air is quite mild. Go, while you order the carriage, I +will write a few lines to the doctor, and tell him not to expect us +to-morrow: Is it true, Valentine, can it be true, that we have at last +told each other what we knew years ago?"--</p> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<h3>FOOTNOTES</h3> + +<p class="hang1"><a name="div2Ref_01" href="#div2_01">Footnote 1</a>: A part of +Switzerland on the frontiers of Italy.--The Translator.</p> + +<p class="hang1"><a name="div2Ref_02" href="#div2_02">Footnote 2</a>: Not the +Lombardy poplar, but the populus Alba, or Abele tree, which is wide +spreading.--The Translator.</p> + +<p class="hang1"><a name="div2Ref_03" href="#div2_03">Footnote 3</a>: Name of a +proménade at Meran.--The Translator.</p> + +<p class="hang1"><a name="div2Ref_04" href="#div2_04">Footnote 4</a>: Lauben. A +provincial term for arcades.--The Translator.</p> + +<p class="hang1"><a name="div2Ref_05" href="#div2_05">Footnote 5</a>: This is an +old custom at the German universities when a new comer enters the +Fellowship--they call it "Brüderschaft trinken."--The Translator.</p> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<h3>THE END.</h3> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<hr class="W20" style="margin-bottom:-9pt"> +<h4>PRINTING OFFICE OF THE PUBLISHER.</h4> +<hr class="W20" style="margin-top:-9pt"> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Dead Lake and Other Tales, by Paul Heyse + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEAD LAKE AND OTHER TALES *** + +***** This file should be named 33916-h.htm or 33916-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/9/1/33916/ + +Produced by Charles Bowen, from page images provided the Web Archive + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Dead Lake and Other Tales + +Author: Paul Heyse + +Translator: Mary Wilson + +Release Date: October 18, 2010 [EBook #33916] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEAD LAKE AND OTHER TALES *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Bowen, from page images provided the Web Archive + + + + + + +Page Scan Source: +http://www.archive.org/details/deadlakeothertal00heys + + + + + + + COLLECTION + + OF + + GERMAN AUTHORS. + + VOL. 15. + + + * * * * * + + + THE DEAD LAKE & OTHER TALES BY P. HEISE. + + + IN ONE VOLUME. + + + + + + + THE DEAD LAKE + + AND + + OTHER TALES + + BY + + PAUL HEYSE + + + FROM THE GERMAN BY + BY + MARY WILSON. + + + _Authorized Edition_. + + + + + LEIPZIG 1870 + BERNHARD TAUCHNITZ. + LONDON: SAMPSON LOW, MARSTON, SEARLE & RIVINGTON. + CROWN BUILDINGS, 188, FLEET STREET. + PARIS: C. REINWALD & Cie, 15, RUE DES SAINTS PERES. + + + + + CONTENTS. + + + A FORTNIGHT AT THE DEAD LAKE + DOOMED + + BEATRICE + + BEGINNING, AND END + + + + + + A FORTNIGHT + + AT + + THE DEAD LAKE. + + + + + THE DEAD LAKE. + + +Summer was at its heighth, yet in one corner of the Alps an icy cold +wind revolted against its dominion, and threatened to change the +pouring rain into snow flakes. The air was so gloomy that even a house +which stood about a hundred paces from the shore of the lake, could not +be distinguished, although it was white-washed and twilight had hardly +set in. + +A fire had been lighted in the kitchen. The landlady was standing by it +frying a dish of fish, while with one foot she rocked a cradle which +stood beside the hearth. In the tap room, the landlord was lying on a +bench by the stove, cursing the flies which would not let him sleep. A +barefooted maid of all work sat spinning in a corner, and now and then +glanced with a sigh, through the dingy panes at the wild storm which +was raging without. A tall strong fellow, the farm servant of the inn, +came grumbling into the room: he shook the rain-drops from his clothes, +like a dog coming out of the water, and threw a heap of wet fishing +nets into a corner. It seemed as if the cloud of discontent and +ill-humour which hung over the house, was only kept by this moody +silence from bursting into a storm of discord and quarreling. + +Suddenly the outer door opened, and a stranger's step was heard groping +through the dark passage; the landlord did not move, only the maid +rose, and opened the door of the room. + +A man in a travelling suit stood at the entrance, and asked if this was +the inn of the dead lake. As the girl answered shortly in the +affirmative, he walked in, threw his dripping plaid and travelling +pouch on the table, and sat down on the bench apparently exhausted; but +he neither removed his hat heavy with rain nor laid down his walking +stick, as if intending to start again after a short rest. + +The maid still stood before him, waiting for his orders, but he seemed +to have forgotten the presence of any one in the room but himself, +leant his head against the wall, and closed his eyes; so deep silence +once more reigned in the hot dark room, only interrupted by the buzzing +of the flies, and the listless sighs of the maid. + +At last the landlady brought in the supper; a little lad who stared at +the stranger carried the candle before her. The landlord rose lazily +from his bench, yawned and approached the table leaving to his wife the +charge of inviting the stranger to partake of their meal. The traveller +refused with a silent shake of the head, and the landlady apologized +for the meagreness of their fare. Meat, they had none, except a few +live ducks and chickens. They could not afford to buy it, for their own +use, and now travellers never came that way, for two years ago, a new +road had been made on the other side of the mountain, and the post +which had formerly passed their inn now drove the other way. If the +weather was fine, a tourist, or a painter who wished to sketch the +environs of the lake now and then lodged with them; but they did not +spend or expect much, neither was the selling of a few fish very +profitable. + +If however the gentleman wished to remain over night, he would not fare +badly. The bedrooms were just adjoining, and the beds well aired. They +had also a barrel of beer in the cellar, good Tyrolese wine, and their +spirits of gentian was celebrated. But all these offers did not tempt +the guest; he replied that he would stay for the night, and only wished +a jug of fresh water. Then he arose and without casting a single look +at the people seated round the table, and silently eating their supper, +or taking any notice of the little boy of ten, although the child made +the most friendly advances, and gazed admiringly at his gold watch +guard, which sparkled faintly in the dim light. The maid servant took +another candle from the cornice of the stove, and showed him the way to +the next room, where she filled his jug with fresh water, and then left +him to his own thoughts. + +The landlord sent an oath after him. "Just their usual luck," he +grumbled, if any guest ever came to them, it was always some idle +vagrant who ordered nothing, and finally took his leave without paying +for his bed, often disappearing in company with the bedclothes. His +wife replied that it was just those folks, who regaled themselves on +all that larder and cellar could supply, and tried to ingratiate +themselves with the landlord. This gentleman was ill in mind or body, +as he neither ate nor drank. At this moment the stranger again entered +the room, and asked if he could have a boat, as he wished to fish on +the lake by torchlight, as soon as the rain had ceased.--The landlady +secretly poked her husband in the side, as if to say "Now, you see! he +is not right in the head; don't contradict him for heaven's sake." + +The landlord who was fully aware of the advantage to be gained by this +singular demand, answered in his surly manner, that the gentleman could +have both his boats, though it was not the fashion in these parts to +fish at night, but if it amused him he was welcome to do so. The farm +servant would prepare the torch immediately--so saying, he made a sign +to the tall fellow who was still occupied in picking his fish bones, +and opened the door for his guest. + +The rain had not ceased and the water was dashing and gushing from the +gutters. The stranger seemed insensible to any outward discomfort; he +hastily walked towards the shore, and by the light of the lantern which +the farm servant had brought with him, he examined the two boats, as if +he wished to make sure which of them was the safest. They were both +fastened under a shed, where different fishing implements were lying +under some benches. Then sending back the farm servant under some +pretext or other, he sought on the shore of the lake for a couple of +heavy stones, which he placed in the largest of the two boats.--He drew +a deep breath, and stood for a moment with his eyes fixed on the dark +water, which as far as one could see by the light of the lantern was +furrowed by the drizzling rain. The wind had ceased for a moment, the +surf foamed, and dashed round the keel of the small boats; from the +house, one could hear the monotonous sing song of the landlady who was +lulling her baby to sleep. Even this sounded melancholy, reminding more +of the cares of motherhood than of its joys, and heightened the dismal +impression made by the forsaken aspect of this corner of the world. + +The stranger was just returning to the house, when he heard on the road +coming from the south, along which he had also travelled that morning, +the cracking of a whip and the crashing and creaking of wheels which +were drawn heavily up the hill through the deep and sloughy ruts. +Shortly afterwards a lightly covered carriage stopped before the inn. +Lights were brought to the door, a female voice asked questions which +the landlady answered in her most amiable tones; then two women got out +of the carriage and carefully carried something wrapped up in cloaks +into the house. The farm servant helped the coachman to bring his +horses under shelter. A few minutes later every thing had relapsed into +the former silence. + +It had all passed like a vision before the stranger, neither awakening +his curiosity, nor, still less, his interest. He once more looked up at +the dense clouds to see if there was any chance of their dispersing, +and then entered the house where lights were now shining in the room +opposite the tap room, and shadows were flitting to-and-fro behind the +curtains. He gave back the lantern to the man, and some orders about +baits and fishing hooks which he would require in the morning, and +retired to his room. + +There he lighted the candle, and placed it in a bent candlestick, which +stood on the rickety table.--Then he threw open a casement to let out +the stuffy and damp air, and for a while looked out on the splashing +and spirting gutter in which a cork was restlessly dancing. Further off +no object could be discerned; the inky darkness of the cloudy sky hid +everything from view. The wind howled in a ravine near the lake, like +some caged beast of prey, and the trees near the house groaned under +the weight of the gushing rain. It was an unfavourable moment for +standing near an open window but the stranger seemed to be listening +intently to the dismal sound of the storm which raged without. Only +when the wind drove the rain straight into his face, he moved away, and +paced up and down between the bare walls of the little room, with his +hands crossed behind his back. His face was quite calm, and his eyes +appeared to be looking beyond what surrounded him, into some distant +world. + +At last he took writing materials, and a small portfolio from his +travelling pouch, sat down beside the dim candle, and wrote as follows: + +"I cannot go to rest, Charles, without bidding you good night. How +weary I am, you must have perceived when we met, unfortunately for so +short a time, six weeks ago. _Then_ I ought to have spoken to you, and +we might have come to an agreement on this chapter on pathology, as we +have done on so many others: Had I done so, I could now have quietly +smoked my last cigar, instead of tiring us both, with this dull +writing, but the words seemed to cleave to my lips. We should have +probably disputed about the matter--Each of us would have maintained +his own opinion, so I thought it useless to spoil the few hours we had +to spend in each other's society. I am well acquainted with your +principles, and know that if you were here, you would endeavour to +reconcile me to existence. But you would wrong me, if you thought that +I had caused this dissension between life and myself which nothing but +a divorce can appease. I would willingly live if I _could_. I am not +such a coward, or so fastidious that a few 'slings and arrows of +outrageous fortune' should drive me distracted and make me take the +resolution to leap out of my skin in the full sense of the word. Who +would throw over the whole concern, and fume against the inscrutable +Powers because many things are disagreeable to bear? Are not the +decrees of the eternal powers equally unfathomable and indisputable? +But here lies the fault--I can play the part of a wise man no longer. +The desperate attempt to save reason at least from the general wreck of +soul and mind has failed. Just now when I watched an old cork which had +fallen into the gutter, and which lashed by the rain was helplessly +whirling about in the dirty puddle, the thought struck me that this +cork was my own brain which had stolen from out my heated skull, and +was now taking a shower bath. If such an absurd fancy could take +possession of my mind for a whole quarter of an hour, then must the +last prop of my reason be fast giving way. + +"I have the highest idea of the self-sacrificing duties of a man +towards his fellow-creatures, yet I cannot calmly see the moment +approach when the asphyxiated soul is to be buried alive, watch the +loss of self-consciousness, and finally sink lower than the most +miserable brute. This, my dear Charles, would require the dullness of a +sheep patiently awaiting the butcher's knife, though it feels a worm +gnawing at its brain. + +"But I quite forget that this will seem but a confused outpouring of +words to you, who are only aware of a portion of my calamities. You +only know what the rest of the world is acquainted with--that my +adopted sister died, this day year, that her father followed her a few +days later, and her mother in the spring of this year.--You also know +that my family consisted of only these three--that I loved them +dearly--that, in fact, except yourself, they were the only beings to +whom I was much attached. + +"Under any circumstance their loss would have wounded me deeply, but I +should have ended by overcoming this grief. Even had they been severed +from me at a single stroke, I could have bravely outlived it. Truly the +death of one man is always irreparable but his life is never +indispensable. Science, my profession, my youth, would have healed the +wound.--Now, it is still open, and the blood which flows from it cannot +be stanched, for these three precious lives would have been spared, but +for me!... + +"I must begin from the beginning, Charles, if I wish to make these sad +words clear to you.--You know, I believe, that I hardly ever saw my own +parents, that after the death of my father, I should have been brought +up at the orphan asylum, if those generous people had not taken pity on +the son of the poor surgeon, and adopted me. My foster-father was one +of the most opulent merchants of the town.--When he gave me a home, he +was still childless after eight years of marriage. He hoped that my +presence would cheer him, and his wife, and enliven the quiet dull +house. Unfortunately, at first, I but ill rewarded the kindness of the +worthy couple, though I was greatly attached to them. I was a reserved, +irritable, and unamiable lad, with a great tendency to ponder over +everything. My behaviour vacillated between a moody silence which +lasted for days, and sudden and passionate outbreaks of temper. Even +now I feel deeply ashamed when I think of the truly angelic patience +with which my foster-parents bore my perverseness, and tried to +moderate my violent temper without ever showing how sorely I +disappointed their hopes. + +"Suddenly all was changed. When I had lived about two years in their +house, my adoptive parents saw their heart's desire fulfilled. A child +was born to them, the most beautiful and gifted creature I have ever +seen. As if by magic, everything grew bright--even I, was changed, and +became a good-humoured and sensible lad. I was quite infatuated about +the little girl, and watched her like a nurse. For hours together I +played with her. I taught her to speak, to run, forgot my dearest +occupations, and all my schoolfellows when with her. + +"My behaviour towards her parents also completely altered. These +excellent people, instead of no longer caring for my society, now +redoubled their kindness towards me, and seemed to regard both of us as +their children and as having an equal right to their affection. + +"As time went on, my fraternal love for the little Ellen only increased +with my years; the more so, that a curious similarity in our characters +became more perceptible every day. She was not one of those soft, +pliable and easily managed girls who give no more trouble to their +mothers, than to their future husbands. She would suddenly change from +the most extravagant gaiety, to the deepest melancholy--if one can use +the term, melancholy, in speaking of a child. In those moments, she +would steal out of the garden where she had been romping, and laughing +with her little companions, and come to my little room, sit down with +grave face, opposite to me, at my writing-table, and read the first +book she could get hold of. + +"From my school-days upwards, I had always been heart and mind, a +naturalist, and had no other thought, but that I would study medicine +as my father had done. I used to show her all my collections, even the +skeleton of a large monkey which stood in a corner behind my bed, and +to hold most unchildlike conversations with the little girl; at other +times she would communicate her childishness to me; I cooked for her +dolls and physicked them after having first carefully bedaubed their +faces with the tokens of the measles and I filled her little garden +with all sorts of medical herbs from my herborium. We never shewed much +tenderness towards each other. Only once I kissed her lips; it was when +I left for the University at nineteen years of age. + +"Though I deeply felt the pain of leaving my adoptive home, yet I +fancied it would not become me as a man to show any emotion, still my +voice failed me when my dear mother embraced me with tears in her eyes. +Little Ellen stood pale, and silent by her side. I turned to her with +some joke and jestingly gave her different directions about the care of +my zoological collection, (preserved in camphor and spirits of wine) +which I had entrusted to her charge. Then I drew this child of eight +into my arms to bid her farewell. As I kissed her, I was startled by a +sudden shudder which ran through her frame, as if an asp had bitten +her. She staggered back with closed eyes and nearly fainted away. She +quickly recovered however, and next day wrote me a childishly merry +letter. + +"Since that day I only once touched her lips again, and then they were +cold and closed for ever. + +"How the six years of my University career passed, how I found life at +home when I returned for the holidays would be useless to relate. It +would be a long, and monotonous narrative. Some estrangement arose +between me and my foster-sister, partly through my fault, for science +and study monopolized my attention more and more. From year to year +this strange girl grew more reserved in my presence. Only in her +charming letters could I discover a trace of the old intimacy of our +childhood. + +"Her outward development did not fall short of its early promise. + +"She was fullgrown at the age of fourteen; somewhat slender, but quite +formed. The small portrait of her which I once showed you has but +little resemblance. Her character, if I may so express myself, was even +more mature than her person, and only betrayed itself in her movements. +A stately calm, an indifference, scarcely concealed for many things +which generally appear alluring at her age, isolated her a good deal. +Then again, when she wished to please, her smile, the gentle and timid +yielding up of herself had a charm not to be described. Few knew her +real value, her genuine upright soul; and among those few, her brother +was not. I was then too much engrossed by my studies, too eager to +solve the mysteries of physical science, to care about the secrets of +that young heart. Strange to say although I was always of a sensual +disposition, and certainly no paragon of virtue, and having eyes to see +could easily perceive, that all my conquests, compared with that +remarkable girl, appeared like housemaids beside a young princess, yet +it never entered my head to fall in love with her. When I wrote home, +it was always to my foster-mother, and she had to remind me sometimes, +of what was due to my little sister. + +"She once wrote that the child who was as reserved as ever, did not +show what she felt, although my neglect seemed to hurt her, and one day +when I had forgotten even to mention her in my letter, she had cried +the whole night. + +"I hastened to repair my negligence, and wrote her a most penitent +letter half in earnest, half in jest, accusing, myself of the darkest +crimes towards my faithful little sister, protesting that she was a +thousand times too kind to me a petrified egotist whose very heart had +been turned to stone, among skeletons and anatomical preparations. Her +answer was full of loving kindness, and after that our fraternal +intercourse seemed re-established on the old footing. + +"Then she was fourteen years of age. On her fifteenth birthday, I +passed my examination for a doctor's degree and we exchanged merry +congratulations by telegraph. + +"Then I travelled during a year with you for a companion, and you will +remember that the letters I received from home often made me slightly +uneasy. + +"My mother wrote that Ellen was not well; she did not complain, but her +altered looks only too visibly testified to her sufferings. The old +family physician looked rather grave about it. Now I was well +acquainted with this good old gentleman. He was a strict adherent of +the old school, and greatly prejudiced against the stethoscope, +otherwise he had the reputation of much experience in diagnostics, and +of great caution, and attention. + +"Still this could not tranquillize me, and my parents who believed me +to be the greatest medical genius in the world, expressed a strong +desire, that if I could possibly get away, I should hasten home and +have a consultation with the old doctor. So I determined, as you know +to quit my studies in Paris--to hurry home, and decide for myself if +all was as it should be. + +"When I arrived, Ellen advanced to greet me, looking so well, and +lively, that at the first moment, I asked with playful indignation, if +this was the august patient to attent to whose delicate health, a +celebrated young physician had been summoned from a great distance. +Poor child! the pleasure caused by my having set aside every other +consideration for her sake, gave that delusive air of blooming health. +I soon perceived that the old doctor had not looked grave without +cause. I was decidedly however opposed to his opinion that she was +threatened with pulmonary disease. After a most careful auscultation, I +had found her lungs to be perfectly sound, whereas the palpitations of +her heart seemed to be somewhat irregular; this symptom proceeded from +a morbid state of the nervous, and blood system. Accordingly the first +treatment which was principally directed against everything stimulating +and enjoined great quiet, seemed to me the reverse of salutary. I +prescribed steel, wine, and strengthening food, to rectify the poverty +of blood, and declared that the remedies by which the old doctor hoped +to ward off the disease were as bad as poison in her case. Her parents, +of course, sided with me, particularly as the apparent success of my +treatment during the first weeks of my stay with them corroborated my +statement. Ellen felt more lively, and stronger, her sleep and appetite +returned, and while the old practitioner withdrew deeply hurt, and +mortified, I enjoyed the first pleasures of fame though it still stood +on a very precarious footing, and I felt the happiness of having +delivered those dear to me, from a heavy care. + +"I never intended to establish myself in that town. I knew that I could +only reside in a large capital where I could find better assistance in +my studies. I, therefore, carefully entrusted Ellen's treatment to the +second doctor of the place, a very humble man, rather irresolute, and +dependent on others, who in presence of so young, and far travelled a +colleague, meekly resigned any opinion of his own, and promised to keep +strictly to the enjoined course of treatment; and now and then to write +and inform me of the progress of the cure. The parents saw me depart +with heavy hearts, but my welfare, and their duty with regard to my +success in life, outweighed any wishes of their own, and Ellen eagerly +seconded my desire. I had already lost too much of my precious time on +her account, she said; she felt much better, and now that she knew my +orders, no one should induce her to do anything I had not sanctioned. I +still see the smile with which she bade me good-bye, while the +repressed tears choked her voice. Alas! Charles, it was the last time +that I saw a smile light up that dear face! + +"So I departed entirely blinded, and at the commencement of my stay at +M---- I was so completely taken up with the exercise of my profession, +that in the letters from home I only noticed the favourable +particulars; especially as Ellen's frequent accounts of herself, which +almost formed a sort of diary, lulled me into so perfect a security, +that I fancied, the care and anxiety which now and then appeared in her +mother's letters to be only caused by the exaggerated fondness of a +mother's heart. + +"My colleague full of respect for my green wisdom, did his best to +interpret every graver symptom in favour of my diagnostics, and so I +lived on, a rose coloured mist blinding my eyes, till the darkest night +suddenly closed around me. + +"Ellen's letters which in the later weeks had become rather dispirited +suddenly stopped. In their stead I received a letter from the doctor, +about six months after my departure saying that another consultation +with me seemed to him most desirable. In the last few weeks several +symptoms had suddenly changed, so that he dared not proceed in the +former manner without further orders. My adoptive parents also eagerly +intreated me to come to them. + +"But even in spite of all this, I still lingered, certainly not for any +frivolous reason; the life or death of some of my patients, just then, +depending on my stay. At last a telegraphic despatch startled me into +activity. A vomiting of blood had taken place: If you do not come +instantly, wrote her mother, you will not find her alive. + +"Late at night I arrived at their house feeling as if I myself were +dying. On that dreadful journey the scales had suddenly fallen from my +eyes, and with the same ingenuity which I had formerly exercised to +confirm my own errors, I now sought out every argument expressly to +torment myself with the conviction that I alone was responsible for the +loss of this much cherished being. I tottered up the well-known stairs. +Her mother met me on the landing, tearless, but with a disturbed look +in her eyes. It seemed almost like a relief to me, when she exclaimed: +'you are too late!'--I had dreaded to meet the eyes of my poor sister, +as a murderer dreads the dying look of his victim. And yet it was more +painful to see the calm face, which reclined on her pillows, smiling, +and free from reproach. + +"No one accused me; they still believed in me, and laid the blame on +different incidents, but I felt crushed under the weight of my despair, +and the wildest self-reproaches. + +"On entering the chamber of death, her father looking like a corpse, +staggered heavily into my arms, and losing all self-command, burst +into such convulsive sobs, that the people passing in the streets +stopped to listen. Then the sight of all the old servants who had +adored her; of her mother so completely _changed_--even to this day my +hair stands on end when I think of that dreadful scene. The mother +beside herself with grief called for wine, for I was to drink Ellen's +health?--she supposed the 'so called good God' would not object to +that. But when the servant brought it, the father taking the glass from +the plate dashed it against the wall, crying out: 'broken! dead!' A +hundred times, till his voice was choked by tears.--At last his wife +led him away and I was left alone with the dead. + +"Enough of this dreadful night. I need only add that by dissection, I +obtained a full confirmation, of that, of which the quick penetration +of the old physician had foreseen the danger.--Could it have been +averted? Who can say with certainty whether a conflagration can be +stayed or not, if he does not know what feeds it, or from whence the +wind blows. I had poured fuel on the fire which had snatched away this +innocent life. + +"You may imagine that I did not close my eyes that night. The morning +found me still sitting, racked with pain and fever, by the bed-side of +my sister, when the door opened, and her mother entered the room. She +had recovered the noble and gentle serenity of her features, now that +the first delirium of despair had passed. She kissed me, with +overflowing tears, and even in my burning eyes the tears welled up. 'My +dear son,' she said 'I here surrender to you a small packet which I +found in her writing-table: Your name is on it.' + +"It was her diary, beginning with her twelfth year, up to a few days +before her death--On every page I found my name; on the last were these +words, 'I am dying, darling--I have known you and been permitted to +love you. What more can life bring me? I now have no other wish but +that you should know that I only lived for you, and through you!'--And +this to her murderer!! + +"All the events that succeeded; the death of her father, the short +widowhood of her mother, who pined away till she was at last re-united +to her darling ones, all this, sad as it was, could no longer move me, +the darkness within me was so great--What mattered it if one spark more +died out or not? _That_ I never could forget or overcome--That all +hopes of ever being happy again were at end, was a conviction deeply +impressed on my heart. + +"I repeated to myself a hundred times, that I had acted for the +best according to my belief, that every one of my colleagues had +experienced a like misfortune, that we were only responsible for our +intentions--But in spite of all this, did these three lives weigh the +less on my soul? Could I absolve myself, were all the judges in Heaven +and earth to proclaim me free from guilt? I had destroyed the only joy +of my benefactors, and had miserably deceived them.--I had neglected +this precious life, and how could I henceforth expect any man to +entrust his life to me? + +"I know what you would oppose to this Charles--You have often told me +that I was too sensitive for a doctor's profession--That every one who +consults us knows beforehand that we are only human,--not omnipotent, +and omniscient Gods, and takes his chance. + +"The best doctors are those who never let their feelings interfere, and +never paralyse their energies for the future, by useless regrets for +the unalterable past. I quite agree with you that these are most sound +maxims. But I know enough of disease to foresee that mine is incurable. + +"When the first stunning pain had somewhat subsided, I said to myself, +that I _must_ bear it as well as I could, and at least try to be of +some use as a subordinate, having forfeited my rights as a master.--I +threw my whole energy into theoretical studies--I collected, dissected, +and observed--I might, perhaps, have reconciled myself to this new +existence, if the past had not thrown a shadow over every thing. Now I +loathed and revolted inwardly against all this groping on the +boundaries of human knowledge. A general, after losing a battle upon +which depended the destiny of a whole nation, will hardly like, as long +as the war lasts, to sit in a corner of some quiet library, and study +tactics and strategy. Then I believed that time would cure my wounds +and make life, at least, supportable to me, even if it should be for +ever sunless and gloomy. + +"I had tried aimless wandering and had only experienced the truth of +that hacknied saying that shifting of scenes can never change Tragedy +into Comedy. + +"Only once it seemed as if I might be allured back to that part of my +life alone worth living for--my profession! + +"It was on a steamer between Marseilles and Genoa--We had left the +coast far behind us--suddenly the Captain came up in great +consternation, and asked if there was any doctor among the passengers. +A lady had been taken ill, and was lying in the cabin writhing with +pain--I was just lying down to sleep, determined not to meddle in this +matter, when I heard moans and exclamations from the cabin which would +not let me rest. I asked the Captain to take me down, and after +searching the ship's medicine chest; found some remedies which soothed +the pain. The lady would not let me go, but insisted in a strange medly +of Spanish, and French on my passing the night on a sofa in the +adjoining cabin. At last she went to sleep, and my eyes also closed, +weary with gazing through the open hatchway at the moon-lit sea. + +"All at once, I felt something like an icy cold hand drawn across my +face. I started up, believing it to be the spray which was dashing off +the wheels into the cabin--but to my intense horror, I saw the figure +of Ellen standing beside me, just as she had looked when lying in her +coffin, only her dim widely opened eyes were fixed on me, and her white +finger was laid to her lips, as if to say: 'Do not betray me.' Then she +approached the couch of the stranger, lifted one of the green silk +curtains and after gazing for several minutes on the sleeping woman she +sadly shook her head, and looked gravely at me as if to reproach me for +caring for another when I had left _her_ to die. For one moment she +sunk down at the foot of the bed as if greatly exhausted: then +beckoning three times to me she glided through the hatchway like a +streak of mist. Since that night I have never again approached a +sick-bed. You know, Charles, that I was never of a visionary nature, +that I do not believe in spirits. Of course I know as well as you do +that this was only a delusion of the senses. An apparition caused by +the over excited state of my nerves. But does this alter the main point? +Did I suffer the less because I knew it to be owing to the power of my +nerves over my reason? How can one, whose senses are at variance with +him, hope to gain peace? and how is _he_ to live, who hopes no longer? + +"I have become a superfluous guest at the banquet of life, and so I +prefer taking leave of it, and only press your hand once more before +disappearing. My existence is now no longer necessary to any one--not +even to a dog. + +"None but a healthy and cheerful egotist could tolerate a life which +subsists only for itself. Pardon me, my dear friend, I know that you +will now and then miss me, but you would surely prefer; never to meet +me again, than to recognize me some day in a mad-house; clothed in a +straight waistcoat, and muttering soliloquies. + +"This letter has nearly attained the dimensions of a volume, but as it +is the last I shall ever write, its length may be pardoned. I shall +seal this enclosure with a steady hand, for I am only about to do that +which I must, that which I believe to be for the best. + +"Here in this solitary inn, they will only suppose me to be some crazed +Englishman who insists on fishing by torch-light, in the middle of the +night. Tomorrow when they see the boat driven on the lake without me, +they will say, I have only suffered for my folly, by falling asleep, +and tumbling overboard. Let all my acquaintances suppose the same. And +now good night. I own that on the point of going to sleep, I feel some +curiosity, and hope to have many things--made clear to me.--It is a +pity that I shall not be able to impart my observations to you, as we +have always done when studying together on terrestrial subjects. + +"I am also desirous to witness what dreams may haunt us in eternal +sleep, if a dead man can witness anything. + +"Nothing further has any interest for me--My will was deposed six +months ago in the court of justice--You are my executor--I thank you +once more for your faithful and firm friendship---Let this be my last +word. + + "Eberhard." + + +He did not read over what he had written but immediately folded it, put +it in an envelope, sealed it, and wrote the address--Then he again +looked out of the window--The storm had gradually subsided. He lighted +a cigar and pacing his room, he watched the long-legged spiders +crawling about the low ceiling, and observed the effects of tobacco on +them, by blowing a thick cloud of smoke over their backs. But he soon +grew tired of this interesting occupation, and stared vacantly at the +white washed walls that surrounded him. Suddenly a clamour arose in the +adjoining tap-room. He heard through the door a gruff voice which +belonged neither to the landlord, nor to the farm servant, complaining +of some unreasonable demand. "Yes it was always so, just those women +who cried and lamented if a baby had a cold, did not feel the least +compassion for two poor horses, but would drag them from the manger, +and after a journey of fifteen miles, in this cursed weather; mostly +uphill, and over those dreadful roads, would force them to trot for ten +miles further, and the whole night through, regardless as to whether +they could move a limb on the morrow or not. But he would not stir; no, +not if they were to lay down a hundred kronenthalers on the very spot. +He was not in the service of a knacker, but had to deliver up his +roadsters in the same condition in which he got them; and besides to +say the truth he wished for some rest for himself, and did not care to +break his limbs on the way or get drowned in a puddle." + +A timid female voice which had now and then interrupted this speech +with beseeching words was silenced by this conclusion, which was +accompanied by a fierce oath, and a heavy thump of the fist on the +table. The landlord intervened in his abrupt way by seconding the +coachman, and ordering some beer from the cellar. Then the two men +began to converse, on other subjects, the coachman chiefly abusing the +bad roads which ruined horses and carriage. The landlord fully agreed +with him, and asked him how it was that the ladies had preferred coming +by this side of the dead lake. The coachman informed him that a +landslip had made the other road quite impassable, at least for +twenty-four hours. The rest of the passengers had been contented to +wait at the station, but these ladies had insisted on continuing their +journey on this dangerous road; perhaps because of the child, which +never ceased to wail and moan. At this moment the door opened, and the +men's rough tones were suddenly hushed. A melodious woman's voice was +heard whose touching accents seemed to quiet even these coarse fellows. +At least the coachman, who on her renewing her prayer to him to prepare +for their departure, answered quite civilly, and without any +superfluous oaths, that it was almost impossible to gratify her wishes, +and gave his reasons. She appeared to acquiesce in their importance, +and after a moment's silent reflection, asked if any messenger could be +found who for a considerable gratification would undertake to summon +the nearest doctor, otherwise the child would probably not live through +the night. In saying this her voice trembled so much that the +involuntary listener was touched to the heart. He walked to the +casement, hoping to drown those soft tones in the rushing sound of the +rain. At this moment however the clouds above the lake dispersed +showing the moon's clear and silvery crescent and the sudden stillness +forced him to hear the rest of the parley. + +The landlord called his servant, and asked him if he would take a +message to the doctor who lived six miles distant, in the small +market-town which was situated in a neighbouring valley. The man +replied that he had no objection to the long walk, or the bad road, if +the lady gave him a liberal fee; but he knew that it would be useless +for Hansel the forester's assistant had told him that very day, that +his friend Sepp had to wait another week to have the ball extracted +from his thigh, for the doctor himself was ill, from a fall from his +horse, and his apprentice had an unsafe hand, as he was renowned for +drinking too much brandy. Then the sad and gentle voice of the lady +asked, after a silence of several minutes, if it would not be possible +to procure a litter, and carry the child to the nearest place where a +doctor resided, she herself would help to carry it; she only required a +couple of trustworthy men, and a guide with a lighted torch. + +That could not be done either, the landlord answered;--they had no +litter on which the child could be carried comfortably, and then they +could not all leave the house; however he would speak to his wife about +it. + +He was just reluctantly leaving his bench by the stove, when the +landlady herself rushed into the room, and cried out that the nurse +begged her mistress to come to the child--that departure was now not to +be thought of, for the child was dying. + +The listener in the adjacent room turned from the window as if drawn by +some magic power; he took a few steps towards the door, then stopped +and shook his head with a sigh. He tried to recommence his walk up and +down the small room; but at every second step, he stood still to listen +for some further sound. His cigar had gone out. Mechanically he +approached it to the candle to light it, but before he was aware of +what he was doing, his breath had extinguished the feeble flame. He +remained staring at the dying sparks in the wick--one moment more and +the last would disappear. Possibly in the next room a little flame far +more valuable than the miserable light of this penny candle was on the +point of relapsing into the darkness of night. + +Well let it die out; what right had any one to meddle in the matter. +Perhaps by trying to kindle it again, it would only the more surely be +extinguished by his clumsy hands. What can it signify? Why try to save +a human being's life, who may, some day or other, wish that he had +never been born, and who may perhaps also see the hour, when he shall +have to bid good night to his dearest friend---- + +Again he listened, and held his breath not to lose a sound of what was +passing in the next room. He fancied he heard a child's plaintive +moaning, then the lady's gentle voice trying to soothe it, passionate +weeping, and then silence. He could stand it no longer in the solitude +of his room. He only wished to hear how the child was going on. He +began to think himself a barbarian, to be quietly hiding in a corner, +when even these rough peasants showed some sympathy. Hastily opening +the door, he groped his way through the dark empty tap-room, and across +the passage. The door was ajar, and a ray of light streamed through the +chink. He now distinctly heard the child moan and the mother quieting +it. "We ought to prepare some tea for the poor child in order to +bring on a perspiration," said the hostess, "We must try and find +some."--"The elder berries, in the drawer up-stairs, would not do badly +in case of need," answered her husband; then silence reigned again, +only interrupted by the sighs of the house-maid, who knelt in a corner, +repeating one pater-noster after another. + +"Put another feather-bed on the child," advised the coachman; "it has +caught cold; see how its little hands twitch convulsively--it is +freezing." + +The farm-servant, who stood near the stove, was just going to lay +another log on the still glowing embers, when he was arrested by a firm +hand which was laid on his shoulders. He turned round and perceived the +stranger standing before him. "I forbid you to put on another chip of +wood;" he said, in a voice which denoted that he was accustomed to be +strictly obeyed; "and you all," he continued, turning to the rest of +the idle spectators, "get out of the room; do you hear? the air here is +bad enough to stifle even a healthy man." They all looked at each +other--only the mother and nurse of the child had not perceived the +entrance of the stranger. The mother knelt beside the bed with one arm +clasped round the moaning child as if to defend it from assassins. The +nurse stood by her, and stared in helpless despair on her little +charge--on its wandering eyes, and fever parched lips, from which now +and then a low wail escaped. She started back, as if death in person +was approaching her, when the stranger stept up to the bed, laid his +hand on the burning brow, and took up one of the little thin arms to +feel the pulse. + +The shriek of horror which the nurse involuntarily uttered, awakened +the mother from the lethargy of despair. She looked wonderingly at the +stranger, and a sudden ray of hope brightened her face. + +"Madam," he said, "will you entrust your child to one entirely unknown +to you, who though he has not the presumption to promise to save its +life, yet knows what in these cases, is prescribed by our feeble +science." + +She could not answer him; this unlooked for aid in her direst distress +overpowered her. "Take this," he said, drawing a card from his +pocket-book, "my name may not be known to you, but the title which +stands before it will show you, that others too have trusted to my +skill; with what result, has nothing to do with the present case." + +The young woman remained in her former position, but she stretched +towards him the arm not engaged in supporting her child's head, and +said: "The Almighty seems to have sent you. He has had compassion on +me. I fully confide in you!" + +"Then order a pitcher of fresh spring water from the well, and a tub to +be brought. The rest I will manage myself." + +He hastily opened both windows, and took the feather-bed from off the +child, only covering it lightly with a large plaid. Then he called in +the farm-servant who was standing in the passage, with the rest of the +people, grumbling, and waiting for the result of the stranger's +despotic interference. He asked if no snow or ice could be procured in +the neighbourhood. "Yes," growled out the man, "there was some to be +had; but one must climb for about an hour through the woods, to get to +the crevice in a rock, where the snow never melted summer or winter, as +the sun could not reach the spot. To-morrow morning he would go and +fetch some!" + +"You don't seem to understand me," resumed the doctor; "here I lay down +this kronenthaler; it is now half past nine o'clock; the moon is up, +the storm has ceased--whoever brings me in the course of an hour, a +load of snow or ice has gained this reward. Tomorrow you may bring down +a whole glacier, and will not get a penny for it." "All right," said +the farm-servant with a short laugh, and walked away. The nurse had in +the meantime brought in the cold water and an empty tub. Without +another word, the stranger lifted the child from the bed, stripped off +its clothes, and telling the mother to hold it, he poured the icy cold +water over it. He then dried it quickly, laid it again in its bed, and +wrapped a wet towel round its head. The child which a moment ago had +struggled and screamed in his arms, now seemed relieved. The eyes +ceased to wander, and turned towards the mother with a wondering, but +calm look--then she closed them with a deep sigh. + +"The child is dying!" the nurse screamed out, and burst into a fit of +crying. "I thought that would be the consequence of the cold water, and +the open windows. Ah, Madam, how could you suffer this?" + +"Silence," said the stranger imperiously, "or you will have to leave +the room. I hope, Madam," he continued, in a gentler tone, "that you do +not expect a miracle from me. The illness we have to combat, cannot be +vanquished in one night. The child has a virulent typhus fever, and our +chief care must be to prevent the brain from being affected. But do not +let every new symptom alarm you. As far as I can judge, no aggravating +circumstances exist. You see the child has again opened its eyes. +Nature already feels that we are assisting it. How old is the child?" +"Seven years and a few weeks." "A fine child, so well developed; what +anguish you must now suffer." + +Tears streamed from the poor mother's eyes; she pressed her face +against the little white hand which lay on the dark plaid. All the +agitation of the last weary hours, dissolved in these refreshing tears. + +At last she arose, and with a grateful look at the doctor, she sank +into a chair which he had placed for her beside the bed. He too took a +seat at the foot of it, and gravely but calmly observed the little +girl. They were both silent. The nurse, ashamed of her thoughtless +outbreak, went to and fro to renew the cold compresses. Without, all +was still; the last clouds had disappeared and a ray of moonlight stole +in, and shone slanting through the narrow casement, lighting up the +small white hand of the young mother who was softly stroking the little +hand of her child. The only sound which broke the silence proceeded +from the streamlets formed by the rain, which were now rushing past the +house, the regular dripping of the gutter, and the whistling of the +coachman who was bedding his horses. + +Suddenly the child raised herself on the pillows, looked at the +stranger with widely opened eyes, and said: "Is this Papa? is he not +dead? I want to give him a kiss, Mamma; has he not brought something +for his little daughter? I want to sit on his knee. Where is Sophy? Oh! +my poor head! Papa please hold my head. I am thirsty." Then the small +fair head sank back on the pillow, and the eyes closed as if in pain. +Eberhard rose and held a glass of fresh water to her burning lips. +"Thank you, Papa," said the child. Then she became very quiet, only the +twitchings of the feverish half opened mouth betrayed her sufferings. + +"I must explain to you," the lady began, turning to the silent doctor, +who had now resumed his seat, "how it comes that my poor darling has +those strange fancies. Unfortunately I must reproach myself with having +caused this violent shock: The father of my poor little girl was an +Austrian officer. A few months after our marriage, I had to part with +him; his regiment was ordered to Italy, where the war was commencing. +Shortly afterwards news reached me that he had been amongst the first +victims of the bloody battle of Solferino. Since that time I have +always felt the greatest longing to visit the spot where my dear +husband found repose after his short career, and though no cross marks +his grave, at least to inhale the air in which his brave heart breathed +its last. Even my little girl expressed the same wish as she grew +older, and understood me when I told her of her father's death. Many +things deterred me from realizing this plan, particularly the fear that +the long journey might overfatigue, and agitate the child, who always +had a very excitable imagination, and a tender heart: and now I have to +suffer severely for having indulged my desire. If you had seen how +eagerly she listened to the words which I translated to her from the +account of the old serjeant, whom I found watching the monument on the +field of battle. Her cheeks burned, and her eyes glistened; her emotion +was far beyond her years. When we turned back she shivered, and in the +following night, complained of headache, and did not sleep for an +instant. She did not mention her father again till this moment, when +she mistook you for him, and fancied he was sitting at her bedside. +Perhaps it would have been better, had I remained where I was, but I +dreaded the Italian doctors, and did not believe the danger to be so +imminent. In my own carriage, for I had taken post-horses on leaving +the railway, I thought we could easily arrange a comfortable bed for +the child. The weather too was warm, and she herself eagerly desired to +be taken home. The storm reached us just at the worst part of the road; +and we were most thankful when we reached this inn. But what would have +become of us without your help?" + +She turned from the gloomy and taciturn man to dry her tears. Then they +again sat silently opposite each other. He felt tempted to entreat her +to go on speaking. Here was something in her voice which soothed him, +and was as cooling balm to his feverish soul, but he saw that her +thoughts were again occupied with the child, and he had nothing to tell +her. He only gazed more earnestly at the young woman by the dim light +of the candle and of the moon. He remarked that her brow, and the shape +of her eyes which had a distinguished melancholy and gentle expression +in them, resembled those of his adoptive mother, who had so often +looked at him with thoughtful affection. Her figure was round and +supple, and every turn of her head and of her slender throat was full +of grace. + +The abundant auburn hair hung negligently over her shoulders. All about +her showed the habits of one accustomed to wealth. Wealth ennobled by a +cultivated mind, and refined taste, but which had lost all charms for +her, in the danger which threatened her most precious treasure. + +The door was now cautiously opened, and the farm-servant dragged in a +large tub filled with ice; then wiping the perspiration from his +forehead, he triumphantly pointed to the clock which showed that ten +minutes were still wanting to the stipulated hour, pocketed his well +earned money, and officiously asked if anything else was wanted. "No, +he could go to bed now," the doctor answered. He then tore a piece of +oiled silk from the lining of his travelling pouch, made a bag of it to +hold the ice, and showed the nurse how to lay it on the forehead +of the child. Her mistress interfered--"No," she said, "you must now +lie down, and rest, Josephine; you have not slept for thirty-six +hours."--"Neither, Madam, have you," observed the maid, "and I do not +need it so much as your honour, for at least I have swallowed a few +morsels of food." + +"Do as I tell you," resumed the mother; "I well know how useless it +would be for me to attempt to sleep. Perhaps I may be able to take some +rest in the morning, if the night passes well." + +"Allow me to feel your pulse, Madam," said the doctor, and then without +another word he suddenly left the room. + +The two women looked after him in astonishment, and the maid, an +elderly fat woman, with a round face, strongly marked by the smallpox, +and good natured brown eyes, availed herself of his absence, to sing +the praises of their unknown deliverer, quite as eagerly as she had +previously abused him. "He had something so peculiar about him," she +remarked; "he appeared to be ill and yet kind heartedness was written +on every feature--and how cleverly he managed everything; how well he +supported our child's head, just as if he had been a nurse all the days +of his life. And then he is so very handsome and quite young, only now +and then when a stern expression comes over his face, he looks so grave +and gloomy, as if he had never laughed; and at other times he shuts his +eyes, as if he were in great pain, and wished to conceal it." + +At this moment the subject of her remarks returned, carrying a large +glass of milk in his hand. He gave it to the lady as one would offer +some medicine to a child. "Drink this, Madam," he said; "it is new milk +and will do you good." "You require strength to fulfill the task you +have undertaken, and here nothing else is to be had. It would be very +beneficial to the child, if she could be induced to swallow a few +drops. Approach the glass to her lips, and persuade her to try it; you +have succeeded. We must do all we can to keep up her strength, so that +another attack may not overcome her. Now follow my advice, and lie down +on that bed; I will watch the child, and the maid also can well spare a +few hours more of sleep. When midnight has passed, I will awake you and +then the maid can lie down." She still objected. "Do as I tell you," he +said passionately, "or I will think that you never really felt the +confidence you showed me." + +She turned towards the bed where the child, relieved by the ice +compresses, lay apparently asleep and stooping over its delicate little +face kissed its closed eyes. "I will obey you," she said, with a faint +smile, "if you promise to awake me, in case my child should grow +worse." + +He silently pressed her hand and took her seat by the bedside, while +her maid helped her to lie down on the second bed, which stood in a +corner, after having removed a load of coverings. + +When a quarter of an hour had passed, the faithful creature, softly +approaching the doctor, who sat absorbed in his own thoughts, stooped, +seized one of his hands, and before he could prevent it had pressed it +to her lips, whispering: "God be praised, she sleeps! Oh sir, you can +work marvels! For four nights, my mistress had not closed her eyes. +First the grief, and agitation before we reached that unfortunate +battle-field; and then, anxiety about her child. If you but knew what +an angel my mistress is. If I were to tell you all...." + +"Leave that for another time," he interrupted; "you have nothing else to +do now, but to lie down, and not to stir till I call you. To-night you +are useless, and to-morrow you must be up early. Here are pillows, and +coverlets enough. Arrange a bed for yourself beside the stove; and now +good night. Don't contradict me. Do you wish to awake your mistress by +uselessly arguing the matter?" + +The good woman obeyed with a timid humble look, pulled a feather-bed +into a corner of the room, and in a few minutes her regular breathing, +proved that she too had needed rest after the hardships of the last few +days. + +A short while afterwards, the moon disappeared behind a cloud, and only +the faint reflex of the starry sky was to be seen, on that part of the +lake which could be overlooked from the room in which the lonely +watcher sat by the sick-bed. He now for the first time felt a desire to +take some food, and to quench his thirst. He drank the remainder of the +milk which still stood on the table. As he put down the glass he +fancied he saw the lady on the bed make a convulsive movement. He +approached her softly. In an uneasy dream, she had put both hands to +her eyes as if to wipe away tears; now she slept quietly, and her hands +slowly sank down again. Motionless he gazed on that fair face, on which +every dream was reflected as the shadows of dissolving clouds on the +calm surface of a lake; sorrow, anxiety, then hope! Now she smiled, and +the delicately chiselled lips parted, disclosing two rows of pearly +teeth. The next moment her brow darkened, an imploring look appeared on +her face; she stretched out both her hands and clasped them together; +he then remarked on one of her fingers, two wedding rings, and wondered +whether the second one belonged to the father of her child, or if some +other man were now in possession of that small hand. He was roused from +these thoughts by a moan from the little girl. He only arranged the +coverlet which had fallen on the ground and wrapped it round the small +feet of the young woman who had not taken off her boots. Then he +returned to his occupation of changing, every quarter of an hour, the +ice that had melted and now and then refreshing the parched lips of the +child with a few drops of water. + +Towards midnight a violent wind arose on the lake, and the young man +shivered as the window was still open. He seized the first wrap which +he found among the luggage, and covered himself up with it. It was a +long soft burnouss lined with silk which belonged to the young woman. +He pulled the hood over his head; and a sweet scent was wafted from it; +as the silk touched his face a peculiar feeling of languor came over +him; he closed his eyes, but a confused maze of ideas passed through +his mind, and he could not sleep. + +Suddenly his eyes opened with an expression of terror in them. He +started from his chair, and trembling violently, he stared at the lake. +Conspicuous on the dark surface of the water, something white glided +slowly; it had the shape of a veiled figure, and seemed to move towards +the house. The moon had appeared again, and lit up a faint streak of +mist which had strayed from the mountain tops, and was swept across the +lake. When it reached the current of wind that blew from the ravine, it +dissolved, and the surface of the water was as clear as before; but the +only one who had seen this airy apparition still stood as if rooted to +the ground and stared at the spot where it had disappeared. A cold +perspiration bathed his brow, his breath came shortly and quickly, and +his eyes, which started from their sockets, remained fixed on that +spot, as if he expected to see the vision appear again the next moment. + +A hot little hand touched the clammy ones of the horror-stricken man. +"Is it you, Papa?" asked the little girl; and sat up in her bed. Two +small thin arms were stretched up to him and before he was aware of it, +the child clung to his neck and hid its burning face on his breast. +"Don't leave us again, Papa," she said, "or Mamma will cry again, and I +must die." + +In an instant the nightmare which oppressed him, vanished. He clasped +the slender little figure in his arms, as if it were a protection +against the malignant powers. He held her so for some time, and while +the child caressed him, he felt the blood flow more calmly through his +veins. He kissed her little face, stroking her damp curls, asked: "What +is your name, my child." "Are you my Papa," she said, "and do not even +know that I am your own little Fan? Ah, yes, I know that they have shot +you, that is why you have forgotten me. Did it hurt you much?" + +"To-morrow I will tell you all about it," he said, and gently laid her +back on her bed; "now, you must keep quiet, and not awake your Mamma." + +The child obediently lay down, and closed her eyes, but she held fast +the hand of her faithful guardian, and now and then looked up at him +with a wondering but wide awake expression. He too stedfastly gazed on +the innocent face, as if fearing that were he to turn round, the +terrifying vision would again appear. + +So he watched by the sick-bed till day dawned. When the bare rocky +peaks which rose above the lake, blushed in the first morning light, +sounds of life, broke the stillness of the house. + +The farm-servant crept shoeless along the passage, and cautiously +peeping into the sick-room, pointed to the now empty wooden tub and +asked if another supply of ice were wanted. The doctor nodded his head, +and he disappeared. Then came the landlady and offered her ready +services, but Everhard declined them. The generosity of the strange +gentleman had worked wonders with the inmates of the house. Only the +coachman, who had not got over his intoxication of the previous day, +stumbled, cursing, and growling, with heavy boots, down the stairs, and +through the passage; so that the lady asked still half asleep, if it +were time to start. "Not yet," answered Everhard, "you can sleep on for +another hour." Then he rose hastily, and went out to prevent the noisy +fellow from again approaching the sick-room. When he returned after a +few minutes, he found the young mother seated at the bedside of her +child. + +"Why are you up already?" he asked reproachfully. "Already?" she +replied, "you wish to put me to confusion. Have you not succeeded in +deceiving me, and taken my place through the whole of the night. Why +did you not let me share the night-watch with you?" + +"Because I could easily dispense with sleep, which was most needful for +you. And then there was nothing to be done which required help. Be of +good cheer; we have every reason to be satisfied with this night." + +"Then the danger is over! thanks be to heaven!" + +"I cannot give you that certainty," he answered; "you have promised to +trust me, and can only do so, if I conceal nothing from you. But I can +give you the assurance that all the symptoms are as favourable as can +be expected in this illness. The inmates of the house are well disposed +towards us, and will do their best to help us." + +A ray of pleasure brightened her pale face. "Oh! my friend," she +exclaimed, "if it were but possible!" She held out her hand to him, and +tears stood in her eyes. + +He stooped to kiss her hand, but in reality to hide his emotion. "Could +you have believed me capable of forsaking you, before the child's life +was saved?" he asked. "Do not thank me, not imagine that I am +sacrificing anything by remaining here. I have already brought you the +greatest sacrifice I could offer, all the rest is a relief to me." + +She looked up inquiringly. "I am keeping you from other duties?" she +asked. + +"No," he answered gloomily; "ever since last year I have been an idle, +and restless man. Led by motives, which cannot interest you, I once +gave myself my word of honour, never to exercise my profession as a +doctor again. Yesterday, I broke this word for your sake. If you will +permit me to continue my attendance, you will free me from reproach, +and so we shall be of mutual service to each other." + +After a pause during which he had felt the pulse of the child, he +resumed, "She now sleeps quietly; if you wish to apprize your friends +of your present abode, you have time to do so. The coachman, who is +meanwhile getting ready, will post your letter at the next station." + +"I have no one, who would feel anxious at my non-appearance," said the +lady, and blushed slightly; "I live so very retired!" + +"No one?" he repeated, with surprise, and involuntarily his eyes +fastened on the two rings. + +She remarked his glance, and understood it instantly. "The second +ring," she said unconstrainedly, "is not the sign of a second marriage. +It belonged to my husband, who feeling death approaching, drew it from +his finger and begged a comrade of his to bring it to me. Since that +day, I have refused all solicitations to change my condition, and have +only withdrawn from my dear husband's family, because a near relation +of his, imagines that he has some claim to my hand. I have vowed to +live only for my child, and to the memory of the dead, and this vow is +sacred to me." + +The nurse now awoke, and reluctantly sat up on her couch, but she +jumped up briskly, when she saw her mistress and the doctor already +actively employed, and hastened with great zeal to relieve them; +protesting that it was all the doctor's fault, as he had strictly +forbidden her to watch. + +"Bathe the child," said Everhard; "I will now leave you for half an +hour; bathe the child as we did yesterday, and let it drink some milk +which you can now get fresh from the cow. And here comes a fresh supply +of ice. You see the attendance could nowhere be better than it is in +this desolate nook of the world. Fortunately an apothecary's shop is +not needed in this case. Good-bye; we shall soon meet again." He bowed +slightly and left the room. Then he walked down to the shore, loosened +one of the boats which were chained up in the shed, and with a few +powerful strokes launched the light bark into the open lake. The sun +had not yet risen above the surrounding heights, overgrown with dark +pines, and the calm and sultry air lay heavily on the dark surface of +the water, and oppressed the chest of the young man who was fatigued by +the sleepless night. He looked down into the depths below him and +noticed that close to the boat the water seemed transparent as crystal, +and nearly white, while the lake beyond, though the sky was bright and +clear, appeared like a black unfathomable chasm. He recollected what a +woodcutter had once told him, that the lake was bottomless--that its +waters sank deeper and deeper till at last they reached hell; and so +when the evil spirits there found their abode too hot for them, they +went to bathe in them. + +He pulled in his oars and looked up at the nearly perpendicular shores +which were covered with dark fir-woods up to their very peaks. These +had exchanged the glow of early morning for a dull greyish tint. And +now the sun had burst forth with great power, and tried to gild the +ravine, which looked like a cauldron of dark iron. But only a dazzling +white light was reflected on the smooth surface of the lake. The dense +woods which surrounded it absorbed every ray of sunshine. No cheerful +light coloured and enlivened the dreary landscape. A small patch of +green grass, near the inn, on which a red-brown cow grazed, and the +blue smoke which curled up from the chimney were the only objects that +awakened the consoling thought, that even in this wilderness human +beings had found a home. An islet, covered with birch-trees, lay near +the opposite shore. Everhard rowed up to it, tied the bark to a post, +and stripped off his clothes to enjoy an early bath. + +Suddenly the thought struck him, with what intention he had arrived +yesterday. He shuddered. It seemed to him as if his resolve would be +fulfilled, even against his will; as if he had pledged himself to that +perfidious depth, which would claim him for its own. One moment he felt +tempted to put on his clothes again, and to row back as fast as he +could, but ashamed of his weakness, he shook off these fancies and +boldly jumped into the water. + +The cold Alpine waves closed round him like ice just melted by the sun, +and he had to exert all his knowledge of swimming, to keep his blood, +by continual movement, from congealing. When he stepped out of the +water, and leaning against the stem of a young birch, his feet buried +in the soft moss, dried himself briskly, he felt happier than he had +done for many a day. He looked towards the house. In the room, where +the child lay he could see some one moving near the window. The +distance was too great to distinguish the figure, still less the +features, yet it pleased to him to think that among the inmates of that +house, there were some who needed him, and had placed their hopes in +him. + +Meanwhile the child in the sick-room raised herself in her bed, looked +searchingly round the room, and said: "Has Papa gone away? is he again +dead? I want him to sit beside me." Her mother kissed the child's +forehead and begged her to remain quiet. "That good gentleman is not +your Papa," she said; "you must not call him so. He is the doctor, who +will make you well again, if you are a good child, and do all he tells +you." "Not my Papa," repeated the little girl meditatively. She seemed +to relinquish her first idea with difficulty. "What is his name?" she +resumed. "Will he leave me?" + +"Here he comes," said the fat nurse, who had tears in her eyes, on +hearing her darling speak calmly and sensibly, for the first time for +several days. "Just look Ma'am, how fast he rows, as if he were +impatient to get back to our child. Well, I call that a doctor! To-day +he looks even handsomer, than he did yesterday, with his fine black +beard and pale face. Only his eyes have a stern expression, that would +frighten one if he were not so kind." + +They now saw him leap from the boat but he did not speak to them, as he +passed the door, and they heard him give some orders to the landlady. A +few minutes later he entered the sick-room, at once approached the bed +of the child, and talked kindly to it. This presence seemed to exercise +a sort of charm on the little girl. She breathed with more ease, and +closed her eyes at his persuasion. + +The stillness in the sick-room was so great that they heard the splash +of the fish leaping in the water. After some time he rose, and +whispered, "She sleeps; the fever has abated. I hope she may be able to +rest for a few hours, and I will take care that no one disturbs her. I +will now lie down for a short while, till the chicken broth I have +ordered for our little patient, is ready. + +"How can I ever express my thanks to you for all your kindness, and +solicitude," observed the child's mother with much emotion. + +By not thanking me at all he replied almost gruffly, and left them. + +When he entered his room, he found the letter he had written the night +before still lying on the table. The large red seal now, seemed +offensive to his eyes, yet he could not make up his mind to destroy it, +so he put it by, in his portfolio. He then threw himself on his bed, +and tried to sleep, but the thick coming thoughts, beset him like +buzzing flies. He fancied he heard the child's voice, and that of its +lovely mother, and raised himself on his bed to listen. At length after +much musing and reflection, he fell into an uneasy sleep disturbed by +dreams. + +At noon, the landlady entered his room, and seeing him asleep, tried to +creep away noiselessly. But he was up in a moment, and inquiring if the +soup were ready, followed her into the kitchen. "Where is the broth?" +he asked, and approached the hearth whence a tempting odour arose from +the different pots and pans. The stupid maid who was stirring something +in one of them, let fall her wooden ladle in amazement, and stared +open-mouthed at the stranger as he lifted the lid of one of the pots, +and examined its contents with a critical eye. Then he asked for a +plate poured some of the chicken broth into it, and carefully took out +the herbs which floated on it. + +When he turned to carry away the soup, he saw the young mother standing +at the entrance. "Is this right?" she asked with a charming smile, +"instead of sleeping I see you have turned cook." + +"I only cook for my patients," he replied, "the care of preparing +dinner for the healthy, I leave to our hostess, who will do honour to +our confidence in her, and needs no help of mine. Is our patient still +asleep?" + +"She awoke a moment since, and has just asked for you." + +When he entered the sick-room, the child sat upright in her bed, and +greeted the doctor with a smile. Then she willingly swallowed a few +spoonfuls of the soup which he offered her. She did not appear to be +hungry however, but only to do it because he wished it. She listened +eagerly to all the doctor said. He told her that in the morning he had +watched the fish disport themselves in the lake, and promised her that +they would go and catch some of them when she could leave her bed. + +After a while she again seemed to lose consciousness. Her blue eyes +partially closed, and the small head sank back on her pillows. + +"Be of good cheer," said the doctor; "the progress is slow but sure. +Your maid must continue to change the ice frequently. Meanwhile we will +go and have dinner. It is ready." + +"Leave me here with my child," she whispered. "No," he replied, curtly. +"You must breathe the fresh air. We do not want another patient, and +your pulse is much agitated. When we have dined, we will relieve the +nurse." + +He walked on without another word, and she dared not oppose him. In the +shade before the house, close to the window of the sick-room, the cover +had been laid for two. Just as they came out, the landlady brought a +dish of fish, and placed them on the table, these were followed by a +roasted fowl. During the repast they hardly spoke a word to each other. +Both were lost in thought. Now and then, he would persuade her, not +only to take a few mouthfuls on her plate, but to eat them. "I shall be +offended," he said, gaily, "if you eat nothing. We doctors enjoy the +reputation of being great gourmands. I hope I have not disgraced my +profession in this instance?" + +"Pardon me, if I cannot yet bear the brightness around me," she said. +"My heart has been too deeply troubled. I have passed through such +heavy storms, that the ground still trembles beneath me. To-morrow I +will behave better." Then they both relapsed into silence, and gazed at +the lake, over which the mid-day heat was brooding. A cricket chirped +in the quiet little garden; and within the landlord snored on his bench +by the stove. From the shed by the lake, the gurgle of the waves +against the softly rocking boats was heard, and from the sick-room the +nurse humming a nursery rhyme, the same with which years ago she had +lulled the child in her cradle to sleep. + + + * * * * * + + +The quiet day was followed by a restless night. The fever increased in +violence; the child moaned continually, and could hardly be kept in her +bed. At midnight she grew calmer. + +The doctor hardly stirred from the house; only in the evening, he +refreshed himself with a cigar out of doors. Then he took a turn round +the house, and every time he passed the window of the sick-room, +stopped for a moment, and spoke a few words of encouragement to the +mother who would not quit the bed-side. In the night, while watching +with her--the nurse had been sent to bed--he suddenly said; "How much +your child resembles you. Just now, in this dim light, when you stooped +over her and the little girl looked up to you with that peculiarly +spiritual and precocious expression which illness gives, I could almost +have fancied that you were sisters. Ten years hence, she will be your +very image." "Perhaps you are right," answered the young mother, "but +the resemblance is only outward: all her mental qualities she inherits +from her father. I often wonder at so great a likeness in such a young +child, and _that_ too a girl. Her truthfulness her self-denial, her +courage often make me feel as if my lost husband had been given back to +me in this child." + +"You are mentioning qualities, which during our short acquaintance, I +have remarked that you possess in a high degree." + +She shook her head, "If I seem courageous, it is only owing to my +natural cowardice. When you first saw me I was quite broken-hearted +with misery, and anxiety, but I dared not give vent to my feelings, for +I knew that I should break down utterly at the sound of my own voice. +My husband could look the most fearful events calmly in the face; and +so it is with the child. He could make any sacrifice without thinking +of himself." + +"And you; I should think, you did not spare yourself in the first days +of this trial." + +"A mother's heart feels no sacrifice," she answered, "but before my +child was born I often had to strive with myself, and force myself to +do what was distasteful to me for the sake of others. It is not so with +the child, though youth generally is, and well may be, the season for +egotism. I could tell you a hundred traits of her excellent +disposition. I have often felt anxious about her, for so precocious a +tenderness of feeling is said to be the presage of a short life. Who +can tell whether it may not be realized." + +Everhard looked out on the lake, and seemed not to have heard her last +words. Suddenly he said; "you have probably a portrait of your husband: +Will you show it to me?" + +She took off a delicately worked Venetian chain, which she wore round +her neck, opened the locket which was fastened to it, and handed it to +him. + +He gazed at it for several minutes, and then silently gave it back to +her. After a long pause he said, "Was it a youthful attachment?" + +"Not quite what is generally so called. I was, certainly very young +when I made his acquaintance. Before I saw him no man had ever made any +impression on me; but I hardly knew how dearly I loved him till a month +after our marriage took place. I only learnt to appreciate him fully +during the short period of our union, and my love grew into a passion +when I had lost him for ever. Had you known him, you would have become +friends; he never had an enemy." + +Everhard had risen and was pacing the room with noiseless steps. He +stopped before the table and took up a volume which projected from a +travelling bag. They were Lenau's poems. On the fly leaf was inscribed +the name of Lucille. + +"Does this poet please you?" asked the doctor.-- + +"I hardly know whether he repels, or attracts me; and although I +generally have a clear perception in such things, yet I cannot quite +discover in his thoughts, what is genuine and what is artificial. He +suffered much, yet it often appears to me, as if by continually +irritating them, he purposely re-opened his wounds. I hardly know why I +took this book on my journey; perhaps as a sort of consolation." + +"You seek consolation with a poet so weary of life?" + +"Why not? _He_ died mad. When I think of that death, the grief for my +husband's seems easier to bear, for what a glorious death was granted +to him! Young, loved by all, he died heroically for his country! I +carry his image undefaced in my heart, not distorted by illness, and +the last agony, nor estranged from me by insanity. How dreadful must it +not be to see one dear to us deprived of his senses. Do you not feel +the same?" + +He was silent for a moment, and then replied by another question: "So +you would have thought the death of your husband desirable, if he had +been doomed to life long insanity?" + +"Spare me the answer. I cannot give you one truthfully, without pain." + +"So much the better," he said. She did not understand him. A few +minutes later he left the room. + +He returned an hour after midnight, and insisted on relieving the +mother from her watch by the sickbed. She could not resist his +imperative manner, and only begged him to let her, and the nurse, +relieve him alternately. He promised to do so; and this time kept his +promise. In the morning when Lucille awoke, she found the nurse alone, +and heard that the doctor lay on a straw mattress in the tap-room to be +near at hand in case of need. + + + * * * * * + + +A week had passed since these events, and Everhard again sat in his +little room at the crazy table, and the candle cast the same dim +flickering light, as on that first occasion, only the moon shone so +brightly through the casement, that one could easily have dispensed +with any other light. Everhard had just perused the letter written on +that dark and gloomy night, and was now adding a postscript on the +blank page. + +"A week older, Charles; and yet a week younger! When I look at my face, +and compare it with the aged features which appear to me in these +pages, then I find that I have made the most retrograde movement, and +have again arrived at an age, at which even you did not know me; at a +time when I never thought of death, though I touched it daily with my +dissecting knife; _then_ I had no more thought of it, than a child's +doctor has of catching the measles. I have now studied the morbid +symptoms in my letter, as coolly as I once did the strange countenance +of number So and so in the hospital. + +"You will be glad to hear that I have surmounted my last crisis, but I, +when I search my thoughts, can only deplore this. + +"Everything was ready for my departure, my trunks so nicely packed, the +last leave takings exchanged; I heard the shrill whistle of the +engine,--suddenly I am told that I have missed the train; and so I +remain, not at home, nor abroad, but sitting at the railway station in +a most provoking position. It seems ridiculous to have to stay and +unpack, after all these preparations for departure. How it all happened +I will tell you in a few words, lest you should think that cowardice +overcame me at the last moment, that I regretted to leave this life, +and persuaded myself that after all it was the best. No it was not that +which played me this trick, it was my old passion, my profession! I +found it of more importance to save a young life, than to despatch my +own, so prematurely old. The child in question was well worth the +trouble, that I can tell you. And as for the mother! don't fancy that I +have fallen in love; you would be mistaken. Or do you call love, the +feelings of a poor devil of a miner who after having been buried in a +coal-pit, is brought to life again and rejoices in the first breath of +fresh air. Do not be afraid that I shall give you a description of this +young woman's charms. Whether she be handsome, amiable--what is usually +so called; clever, or whether she possess all those qualities the +description of which generally fills columns, I know not. All I know, +is that in her presence, I forget my existence; the past, the +future--all I feel is that she is there beside me and that I would +desire nothing more to all eternity, than that she should remain so. Do +you recollect how strange it once seemed to us, that the same +passionate poet, from whose brain proceeded 'Werther' should have +expressed such tame feelings as these-- + + "'Gaze at the moon, + Or think of thee, + I fancy 'tis the same. + All in a holy light, I see, + And know not how it came.' + +"And now to my shame be it spoken, I experience the same feelings in +myself. This lunacy, as we jestingly called it, has taken such +possession of me, that my only desire at present is, that through all +the future years of my life, I might live as in one long night, +surrounded by the pale veiled halo which now calms my soul. + +"This is but a dream. Ere long I must insist on my little patient's +departure to more civilised regions, where she will be better provided +for during her convalescence, than she can be here, where chicken-broth +is the landlady's sole culinary achievement. Then I shall become +unnecessary, and can bid farewell to the Dead Lake, and once more try +to live in a world which after these events will seem doubly desolate +to me. Was I not right in deploring the departure of the train? By this +time I should have reached my destination. But why should not the +journey be only postponed for a fortnight; especially as the one I had +intended to take does in no wise depend on the weather, or the company. +I can tell you the reason, Charles; I know that you will not despise me +for it. My courage is gone! Is it so very despicable that I now dread +that gloomy depth, into which a week ago I was willing to plunge; now +that I have found a place of rest up here in the daylight? And though +in a few days I shall be again roaming about, like the wandering +unsettled savage I was, up to this last week, yet nothing can ever +efface from my heart the feeling that somewhere between heaven and +earth there is a corner where I could live in repose; where, like that +Matricide, in Sophocles, I had found a sanctuary from which, awed by +the holiness of the refuge even the furies keep aloof, and dare not +sully the threshold. + +"Unfortunately, it is perfectly clear to me that from her, I also must +keep aloof. This woman even if I ventured to offer her my unamiable +society for the remainder of her life, could but politely decline. She +has made a vow to remain faithful to the memory of her dead husband. +What is a vow? Ought it to be a chain to bind and check our very +existence, after we have outgrown our former selves. In the course of +seven years the physical part of man is completely renewed, and is our +spiritual part, surrounded by new flesh and blood to remain the same, +because some misanthrope doubted his own power of revival. Have I not +also broken my vow never again to approach a sick-bed. And I even deem +this to be rather to my credit than my shame. But the vow of this woman +is raised far above the fickleness of human wishes and resolves. She +wishes me well; I could find no truer friend in need than she would +prove. She would make any sacrifice but this for me, who have saved her +child; but her whole existence, her heart, and soul are rivetted to the +memory of her own passed happiness, and to the future happiness of her +child--and for me, to whom the present alone is of importance.... I +have carefully avoided the question as to where she lives, in what +town, under what circumstances in what neighbourhood. I will part from +her without knowing anything of this, lest I should be tempted to seek +her, and endeavour to make the impossible possible. + +"A few days more of the happiness of this singular position--in this +solitary wilderness among the mountains, far from all the littlenesses +and miseries of the world, and as if we were in heaven, where there is +neither giving in marriage, nor parting--then come what may; what must! + +"In truth it is a strange and cruel remedy which fate has employed, +making a deep incision in my heart, in order to convince me how little +I was ripe for death; how much strength and feeling there was still in +me, how much I could yet endure! + +"Enough of this for to-day. We live here totally deprived of all postal +communication. When, and where, I shall close this letter and forward +it, the Gods only know, if indeed they concern themselves with our +correspondence. + + "Farewell!" + +He laid down the pen and listened. From the sick room, the child's soft +prattle was heard and though free from the restless and rambling tone +of fever, yet it was an unusually late hour for the child to be awake. +He also heard the soft voice of the mother calming it by a few soothing +words. When Everhard entered the room the child was already fast +asleep. + +"She has just been dreaming of you;" turning towards him with one of +her charming smiles; "she told me, she dreamt that you had given her a +white lamb, with a red ribbon round its neck, which took food from her +hand. She had possessed it for some time when it suddenly occurred to +her that she had not thanked you for it; so she begged me to call you +that she might repair this neglect." + +"And why did you not call me?" asked the doctor. + +"I told her that her uncle Everhard would never listen to any thanks. +That Mamma too had received a gift from him for which she never, never +could thank him sufficiently. The best way to thank him, was to be a +good child and go to sleep again. You should have seen how earnestly +the dear child tried, after this, to go to sleep. You see she is asleep +already and her forehead is moist. You have more influence, over her +than any other person has." + +He thoughtfully contemplated the childish face. + +"I regret that I am not a princess," Lucille continued with a slight +blush; "for then I could offer you a place at my court, and beg you to +accompany me on my travels in the capacity of Court Physician. I cannot +imagine what we shall do without you--at every cold little Fanny +catches, we shall miss you sadly. And yet I am content with my station +in life. A princess would perhaps presume that she could repay you for +your devotion to her child by offering you an establishment. I cannot +regret the feeling that I can never repay you for all your generosity." +She stretched out her hand to him, which he pressed, strangely moved, +to his lips. + +"Madame Lucille," he said, without continuing the subject, "it is now +eleven o'clock; it is my turn to watch, and you are relieved." + +"No," she answered gaily, I am not quite so obedient as our little Fan, +or rather, sleep does not so readily obey my call. You must allow me to +remain awake for another hour, and if you are not tired, you shall read +aloud to me. I have seen a volume of Goethe's works in your hands. I +admire him above all other poets, and wish to get more fully acquainted +with him, for I must confess to my shame, that on looking through your +volume the other day, I remarked that most of its contents were unknown +to me. + +"As you please," he said, "but most of its contents will remain for +ever new to you, were you to hear them ever so often. At least that is +my experience of them." + +He fetched the book, the first volume of the poems, and without +selecting any particular poem began at the first page. He lowered his +voice but read without any studied art of delivery. Never had he so +keenly and clearly felt the charm of the everlasting spring which +emanates from the blossoms of the poet's youthful ardour. + +He dared not look at her whilst he read fearing to meet the mute +enquiry in the eyes of the young woman; but when he came to "the +hunter's evening song," he with difficulty faltered out the words, + + 'Gaze at the moon, + Or think of thee, + I fancy 'tis the same. + All in a holy light, I see, + And know not how it came!' + +Suddenly he stopped, let the book glide on to the bed of the child, and +rose hastily. + +"What has happened?" she asked, startled. "Go and rest," he replied +with averted face. "Wake the nurse; she can take my watch for this +night. The atmosphere here oppresses me, I must breathe the fresh air, +I already feel better, since I have risen. I will go and take a row on +the lake." + +So saying he disappeared, leaving her with all her feelings in a state +of tumultuous disturbance at the enigma she dared not solve. + + + * * * * * + + +The next day at their early meeting, they succeeded in assuming the gay +and unconstrained tone which had hitherto existed between them. The +child assisted them in their efforts. The night had been quiet and +refreshing, and a bath which had been prepared for her, under +Everhard's superintendence; in an old washing tub of the landlady's had +greatly revived her, and had sent her off into another long sleep. +Towards evening the doctor brought home from his walk different kinds +of ferns, gentians, and also gaily coloured pebbles which he had found +near the rocks. He sat down by Fanny's bed-side, and told her all about +the birds, and other small animals which he had met in his wanderings +over the heights. He was pleased at the intelligent questions the child +put to him, as she sat up in bed and admired with wide opened eyes the +treasures he had laid on her coverlet. The mother sat beside them +working at a piece of embroidery. From the kitchen without was heard +the crackling of the fire on the hearth, over which the child's soup +was being prepared. Everhard did not relinquish his night watch this +time, but no more was said of reading aloud. Neither was there any +mention made of it during the following nights, and indeed no occasion +for it presented itself. The night watching had now become almost +unnecessary, so the doctor could, without further apprehension, remain +a good deal in his room. Even in the day-time, now that the child was +allowed to be up for several hours, he seldom appeared. But often under +pretext of fishing he would row over to the islet from whence he did +not return till late in the evening, or he would roam through the pine +woods and the ravine, and climb up to the ice cavern. + +The farm-servant who hearing that the lady wished for the last +strawberries of the season had climbed up there, to look for some, +reported on his return that he had met the doctor seated on a rock, and +looking like a man in a dream. He had bidden him good day, and the +doctor had started up, and with a silent nod of recognition, had +disappeared in the wood. He was evidently touched in the head, the +farm-servant continued; I always said so from the moment I saw him +sitting quite crazed like in the tap-room, and refusing all +refreshment. + +This continued during several days. In proportion to the progress of +the child's recovery did the doctor's melancholy, from which the sudden +call of duty had roused him, appear to increase. Those days were full +of gloom; he felt how necessary it was to abridge them. One forenoon he +started without waiting for dinner, not caring to meet the sad +inquiring look in Lucille's eyes. He climbed up the steep ravine with +the firm resolve to arrive at a final decision. In spite of the fierce +noon-day heat, he pursued a road which he had recently discovered, and +which led towards the south across the rocky ridge of the mountains. He +knew that if he continued his walk he would reach before night fall a +Romanic[1] village which was separated from the dead lake by nearly +impassable tracts of ice and snow. Once there, and he had achieved all +that now seemed impossible to him, all leave taking was spared him and +he was as one dead to those to whom he had now become useless. + +This seemed to him the best plan, and he relied on his strength of will +to carry it out. But when the last glimpse of the lake had disappeared +and he found himself surrounded only by the sterile wilderness of +rocks, he felt so wretched that he could not proceed, but flung himself +on the ground, in the shade of a projecting rock, and buried his face +amidst the moss and heather. He eagerly sought for all the reasons +which should prevent his departure, and make his return necessary, his +papers, his diary which he had left in his room; the anxiety his sudden +disappearance would cause Lucille. Then he reflected that he was in +duty bound to provide for their departure, and for their safe journey +to the next town. He made a solemn vow that all should be done that +very day. He would send down the farm-servant to order a carnage as +soon as he had returned to the inn. In twenty-four hours everything +would be accomplished, and the separation irrevocable. After that he +did not care what happened. + +When he had firmly settled this in his mind, he felt relieved, and +hastily arose to reach the inn without further delay. He resolved to be +cheerful and to enjoy the few hours that remained to him of her society +as if they were to last for ever. He regretted having embittered many a +day by the thought of the approaching end. He plucked a bunch of +scentless Alpine flowers and ferns--it should be his farewell token to +little Fanny. So thinking he rapidly descended the steep mountain, and +reached the last firs in the ravine when the greatest heat of the day +was over. Below him lay the lake. Not the slightest breeze ruffled its +calm surface which clearly reflected the small meadow on the opposite +shore; the firs on the steep slope above it, and beyond these, the bare +grey rocks and crags. Then he looked towards the fisherman's house. His +quick eye discerned every shingle on its stone laden roof--in the yard, +the old hen followed by her yellow brood, and the linen hung out on +ropes to dry. Those who lived beneath that lowly roof were nowhere to +be seen. Generally at this time of the day, everyone dozed over some +slight work, so Everhard was much surprised when he saw the door of the +house open, and a perfect stranger step out into the bright sunshine. +He was a tall young man dressed in a light summer costume. His face was +partly shaded by a broad brimmed straw-hat, and only a fair moustache +of a military cut was visible underneath it. + +The newcomer stood still for a few minutes, looked around him as if to +examine the weather, and then eagerly talked through the open door to +some one who had not yet appeared. A few minutes later Lucille joined +him, without a hat, only holding a large parasol to protect her +delicate complexion from the sun. She accompanied the stranger to the +shed on the lake, and a moment after Everhard saw them both issue from +it, in one of the boats, and take the direction across the smooth lake +towards the islet. The stranger wielded the oars so dextrously that +they soon reached their destination. Then leaping on shore he assisted +Lucille to get out. They walked along the shore wending their way +between the birches and the high bulrushes, apparently with the +intention of making the circuit of the small island. Everhard's heart +throbbed so wildly that he had to lean against the stem of a fir-tree +till the first giddiness had passed. + +Who was the new comer who seemed so intimate with her, that she +followed him on his boating excursions, and thus granted him what she +had ever refused to Everhard her friend and helper? Who was this +stranger that she leant on his arm, and while walking by his side, and +gaily conversing with him seemed even to forget her child, and +abandoned it to the care of the nurse? Well whoever it was, he had +arrived just in time to wake them all out of the dream into which the +solitary stillness of the place had lulled them. + +Doubtless the sight of this old acquaintance brought back to Lucille's +remembrance all that she had forgotten at the bed-side of her child; +her intercourse with the outer world; her friends, and admirers, +recollections to which Everhard would ever remain a stranger, and which +summoned her back to a life in which he could have no share. So much +the better! It could but facilitate the execution of his resolves, and +confirm the urgency of a separation. + +He felt it was impossible to share her presence with a third. He strode +down the precipitous path, and reached the house greatly exhausted, and +his knees knocking under him. He remarked a travelling carriage which +stood beside the shed, and in the stables in which a cow was kept +during the winter, two horses were tied to the manger. Without heeding +the landlady who was dying to tell him the news, he walked straight +into the room where the child sat at the table playing with a new doll. + +"Uncle Max is here," she cried out to him, her face beaming with joy. +"He has brought me a doll that can move its eyes; then he dined with +Mamma, and now they are both on the island. They will soon return +however, as Uncle Max means to take us away in his large travelling +carriage, but Mamma said that she would not move a step without your +special consent." + +"Fanny," he said, and took the child's curly head between his hands, +"you won't forget me, though I cannot offer you a beautiful doll, but +only a simple bunch of flowers?" + +The child looked up surprised; "Mamma said that after the good God, I +should love you best, because you have saved my life. I love you better +than all other people; but Mamma I love best of all." + +He stooped over the fair face, and kissed the child's truthful loving +eyes, and her pale lips. + +"You are right, little Fan," said he, speaking with difficulty, "she +deserves your love. Here is my bouquet, and give her my compliments." +He turned towards the door. + +"What are you going away! the child called after him; won't you come, +and tell me some nice story." + +"Another time," was all he could say. The nurse who just then came in, +tried to detain him, and wondered at his disturbed appearance, but he +passed her by, and hastening to his own room locked the door behind +him. + +Once more alone, he was so overcome by the agony of his feelings that +he dropped into a chair and his strong frame shook with convulsive +though tearless sobs. But he promptly recovered himself, pressed his +hand to his heart as if to still its throbbings and proceeded to stuff +his few possessions into his travelling bag. Only his portfolio he kept +back; then he sat down at the table, and mechanically took out the +letter to his friend as if to add another postscript, but he vainly +sought for words and he finally laid it down, took up another sheet and +began to write a short account of the child's illness, with the +intention of leaving it to Lucille in case she should find another +consultation necessary. + +He found a certain satisfaction in clearly wording his statement, and +in perceiving how steadily his hand wielded the pen. "At least I have +not yet lost my senses," he said aloud. + +He had just finished this writing when a man's quick step was heard +approaching his room, and then came a knock at the door. He rose with +an angry feeling. He could not deny his presence, and yet this meeting +was intensely distasteful to him. He unlocked the door with a +countenance which was anything but inviting. The moustachied stranger +however entered with the most amiable air. Apparently he did not expect +a very gracious reception, but seemed fully determined not to let +himself be put out by anything. + +"My dear doctor," he exclaimed in an engaging manner, and with a +friendly shake of the hand. "Pray excuse my intruding on you; Lucille +has told me that you refuse to listen to any thanks, but I am not to be +daunted; I am a soldier and would think it dishonourable to be afraid +of anything; even of the glum face of a benefactor; and so I boldly +express my thanks, at the risk of being challenged by you afterwards, +and tell you that I shall always feel indebted to you, and that you can +command my services at any time as you would those of your oldest +friend.--You have worked wonders, you best of doctors! Not only with +the little one, whose welfare I have at heart as though it were my own +child, but above all with the mother--I can assure you that I hardly +recognized her. From the time when her husband my dear brother was +buried with his comrades in one common grave on the field of battle, +her widowed grief, up to a few weeks ago, had always remained the same. +All the efforts of her friends to restore her to her former +cheerfulness were vain. Seven years! In truth, I should say that the +most legitimate grief might be overcome in that time. Between +ourselves, be it said, though I sincerely loved my brother, yet I have +found these seven years unconscionably long. Lucille was my lady love +as well as my brother's, but then I was only a good for nothing +lieutenant, and so I had to yield the precedence to my brother Victor. +Now it seems to me that I have every right to assert my claim +considering that it is of such long standing. Don't you think so, +doctor? But in spite of my perseverance through all these years, not +the slightest ray of hope was ever granted to me. I wished to accompany +her on this visit to the grave; but no, my request was mercilessly +refused. Wait till she has returned, I said to myself; who knows but +this visit may be the last stage of her conjugal grief. So I waited for +her return, or at least for a letter, but when three weeks had passed +without any tidings of her, fearing that some misfortune had happened, +I took leave of absence from my regiment, and traced her steps till I +found her here at the Dead Lake; not the cold and reserved Lucille of +old, but a totally changed being. The gratitude she feels for the +preservation of her child, seems to have reconciled her to life, and +consequently it will be to you alone that I shall owe my thanks, should +I one day be allowed to give her a far dearer name than that of sister. +She owns that it is you who have broken the ice, and talks of you with +so much enthusiasm that if I did not know that it overflowed from the +abundant thankfulness of her maternal heart, I should feel jealous of +you." + +A short silence followed this artless avowal, during which the young +officer paced the room; then walked to the casement, and rapped his +fingers against the low ceiling. + +"Well," he exclaimed, with his good-humoured laugh, "you doctors are +certainly not more fastidious than we soldiers! How did you manage to +hold out in this dismal hole? We will now try to make you as +comfortable as possible, for of course you are coming with us. Lucille +would never reconcile herself to the thought of losing her court +physician." + +"I much regret," answered Everhard in a calm voice, "that Madam Lucille +is mistaken in this case. The child can travel without the least +danger; it is even necessary that she should leave this place, where +the food is not adapted to her delicate state of health. I had +determined to order a travelling carriage for tomorrow, when I +perceived your carriage. I could not place the ladies under better +protection than yours, so you must pardon me if I leave you to-day." + +"Impossible!" cried the young officer in a tone of the most sincere +dismay. "What a desperate clamour the women would set up at your +leaving us so suddenly. Lucille, little Fan, even the nurse would cling +to your coat tails; I should have to arrest you by barring the way with +my sword." + +"Possibly they may augment the difficulties of this inevitable and +necessary step," remarked the doctor with a grave face, "so the best +plan will be, not to mention my resolve and at nightfall I can easily +depart without any leave taking. Here is a report of the child's +illness, take the paper with you, but I trust it will not be required. +If you go only short day's journies, the drive at this season will +probably be beneficial to the health of the little patient. And so +permit me to bid you good-bye. I beg you to present my compliments to +your sister-in-law." + +"Doctor, this cannot be your final decision; I hope you will yet change +your mind; meanwhile I will take this statement and leave you, for I +fear I have disturbed you whilst writing. Au revoir." + +"Do not betray me." Everhard called after him. The young officer put +his finger to his lips, and hastened through the tap-room whistling a +merry tune. + +Everhard had hardly been alone for ten minutes pacing his room like a +prisoner who is meditating how he can escape from his bare and narrow +cell, when he suddenly heard the outer door again open, and a step, +which sent the blood to his heart, approach his room. + +"Is my cup of bitterness not yet full," he murmured to himself. + +The door opened and Lucille stood before him with an expression in her +eyes which utterly disconcerted him and forced him to cast his down. + +"Pardon me my friend," she said in an agitated voice, "if once more I +intrude on your solitude, though you so evidently avoid me. You even +intend to leave us without a word of farewell. My brother-in-law did +not admit this; but I was aware of it from his manner when he left your +room, and as I have long suspected this to be your intention, I was not +much astonished, though greatly grieved. I owe you so much that it +would be useless again to repeat my thanks before we part; but it is +not generous in you to deprive me of all opportunity of rendering you +any service, or of showing you the deep interest I feel in you. I am +persuaded that my friendship is not incapable of giving you relief if +you would but return the confidence with which I have always treated +you from the first hour we met. A secret grief consumes you. What would +I not give to be able to aid you in bearing the load which oppresses +you! Now could I leave you, perhaps never to meet you again, and have +to reproach myself with the thought, that although knowing, that you, +dearest and most devoted of friends, were suffering deeply, I yet +allowed a miserable fear of appearing curious and importunate to deter +me from making any attempt to assuage those sufferings or to learn +their cause!" + +"No," she continued with heightened colour, "I know that you are not +selfish enough to burden me with this unbearable grief and remorse, +only because it humbles your pride to acknowledge your sufferings to a +woman." + +He did not once interrupt her, but stood with his eyes fixed on the +ground. When she had ceased speaking, he made an effort to answer her +but he did not look up. "Thank you," he said, "I know that your +questions proceed from the kindness and benevolence of your heart; and +be assured that if the weight which oppresses me could be lightened by +human means, I would apply to you for help--I was enabled to come to +your aid, why therefore should I not accept succour from you? But there +are certain circumstances in life which cannot be altered, and in such +cases, I think it is foolish weakness, and even culpable to give vent +to useless complaints, and to importune one's friends with them. Let us +part. When the health of your child is completely restored to its +former bloom, the sad impressions connected with the remembrance of the +Dead Lake will vanish from your mind, and with them the image of a man +who"--.... + +Feeling that emotion was overpowering him, he suddenly stopped, and +walked to the window to regain his composure. When after a moment he +again turned towards Lucille, he saw her leaning against the door post, +pale as death and with the same pained expression on her countenance +that he had noticed the first day of her arrival. + +"Good heavens, what ails you?" exclaimed he; "Know then, if you cannot +bear the feeling of being indebted to me, that we are quits. If I have +succeeded in saving the life of your child, you have fully acquitted +this debt by preserving my own life." + +She looked up with surprise. + +"Yes," he continued; "on that very table, on the night I first met you, +I wrote a farewell letter to life. The letter still lies there, so you +see that I have changed my resolution. I do not say that I feel +grateful to you for it. Possibly non existence has its dark side too, +but it cannot be worse than remaining between life and death neither +suited to the one, nor prepared for the other--enough of this! Is it +your fault if the life which you saved was not worth the trouble? Do +not let us prolong so painful a meeting. Our paths now diverge--You +return to your home, I go where fate leads me. I am driven on by my +destiny like a stone which a boy rolls before him. I thank you for the +happy days I have spent in this wilderness; they have been the first, +for a long time, in which I felt that I lived. It is a pity that they +must pass away like every thing else in this perishable world." + +"And why must they pass, away?" she asked looking up with anxious and +imploring eyes. "Why will you not accompany us?" + +"Why? because"--he suddenly stopped. His eyes whilst wandering round +the room had fastened on the letter to his friend which lay on the +table, beside the travelling bag. A sudden thought flashed through his +mind. "You wish to test the value I set on your friendship, and that it +is not pride which prevents me from availing myself of your kindness; +well then take this letter, but promise not to read it before +to-morrow. Will you promise this?" + +She only bowed without looking at him. + +"This letter contains every explanation which I could not bring myself +to utter. When you have read it, you will understand that I can no +longer remain here, and that you ought not to detain me. And now give +me your hand once more. Let me also thank you again for the happiness +of knowing you! He pressed her hand to his lips with much emotion. +Embrace your child to-morrow when you have read the letter, and +then--but I need not ask you for this; then in spite of all, think +kindly of me. I know that you will do so, have you not the heart and +soul of an angel!" + +He hastened from the room and passed through the empty passage. He +heard Fanny's voice in the sitting-room. She talked with the nurse and +mentioned his name. This accelerated his steps. He had just presence of +mind enough left him to throw a handful of money to the landlady, and +to bid her good-bye, then he followed the cart track which led into the +valley, and hastily turned round the first corner without looking back. +After he had walked for a quarter of an hour unconscious of all around +him, only blindly driven on by the dim feeling that if he once looked +back his strength would fail him; it suddenly occurred to him that he +was walking northward in the direction of Germany, instead of turning +towards the lakes of Lombardy as he had at first intended. "What does +it matter," he said to himself; "what is home to me, am I not +everywhere a stranger?" He descended to the bed of the mountain stream +which flowed by the roadside. There he rested for a while, bathed his +feverish brow with the cold water, and listened to its gurggle as it +flowed over the pebbly bed. The sound reminded him of Fanny's clear +voice when she laughed for the first time after her illness. This +recollection so overpowered him that the tears streamed from his eyes, +and he let his grief take its course without trying to check it. + +A cart which passed him in its slow progress up the hill, roused him +from his painful thoughts. It occurred to him, that the carter would +stop at the inn and there probably see Lucille and her child. That +happiness would never be his again! However he remained firm to his +resolve, and wandered on till he felt, in his trembling knees and +exhausted frame, how deeply the last few hours had affected him. + +He had now reached a more expanded part of the valley; he sat down +beside a small shed which had formerly served as shelter to the workmen +of a quarry. His head sank on his chest, and he was soon absorbed in +gloomy thoughts and reveries. + +An hour passed and found him still sitting there half stupified; +neither feeling pain nor wishing for any thing. He only heard the +rushing of the water and stared vacantly at the stones and mosses at +his feet. Suddenly he started up, the tread of horses was heard, and +the grating sound of the heavy drag as a carriage proceeded slowly down +the hill. A secret presentiment thrilled through him, he looked up with +a feeling of terror, and to his dismay recognized the carriage of the +young officer. + +On the box beside the coachman was seated the nurse, her fat +good-humoured face shaded by a large straw hat and a blue veil, though +the sun had now sunk low, and only a few slanting rays reached the deep +glen. His first thought was to spring up, and fly before them. But even +if he could have got in advance of them here on this steep road, once +in the plain they would speedily overtake him; so he had no chance of +escaping. He stealthily rose and approached the door of the hut. "They +have not yet seen me," he murmured; "they will drive past, and then +this last pain will have been overcome; but why could they not have +spared me this?" + +He entered the shed half ashamed of slinking away, and hiding like an +outlaw. + +Through all those days of inward strife he had never felt so thoroughly +wretched and unhappy as he did at that moment. Now when his last +strength was exhausted, he had to witness the triumphant progress of +one to whom he bitterly grudged the prize that was denied him. + +Cautiously he pressed against the wooden partition of the hut he could +not refrain from looking through the small aperture which stood in lieu +of a window, and once more gaze on those dear faces. + +They were now so close to him that he could examine the inside of the +carriage. On the further side lay the child asleep, wrapped up in +blankets, and cloaks. Lucille sat beside her, and held her hand, but +her eyes searchingly scanned the road. Where was her young protector? +"He will follow on foot," thought Everhard. "Thank heaven they have +passed; now all is over!" + +Suddenly the carriage stopped. The coachman jumped off his seat, and +opened the door. Lucille hastily descended and walked towards the hut. +A few moments later and she stood with a bright flush on her cheek +before the bewildered young man. + +"You see that all your resistance is vain my dear friend," she said in +a trembling voice. "You wished to escape, but we follow you; we +discover your hiding-place, and now hold you fast in spite of your +resistance. We cannot do without you, you must...." + +"For heaven's sake," he cried, greatly agitated, "what has happened. +Has the child had another attack?" + +"Our child sleeps," said the charming woman, and her voice sank low; +"but still we want you my dear friend. This time ... this time, it is +the mother who entrusts her life to you." + +"Lucille!" he exclaimed, well-nigh distracted, and seizing the +hand which she offered him, drew her into the hut. "Can I?--may I +hope?--Will you indeed ..." + +"I must ask you to pardon me," she replied blushing still more deeply: +"I could not wait till to-morrow, but read your letter the moment you +were gone. Then, I may as well confess all,--I had to sustain a severe +conflict within me, but I soon felt that I never could again arrive at +a clear understanding of my own heart, if I let you depart. You have +broken your vow, and have resolved to bear life for my sake, I can only +return this by surrendering myself to you. He to whom I pledged my +faith, never had another wish during his life than to see me happy. I +am convinced that if I could now explain to him how all this has +happened, he would release me from my word. When I had clearly +perceived this, I could find no rest. I have confided everything to my +brother-in-law. He has remained behind with a heavy heart; but he told +me to shake hands with you in his name. 'If he can make you happy +Lucille,' these were his last words, 'I will try not to hate him.' Will +you make the trial my dear friend?" + +Unable to contain himself any longer he fell on his knees at her feet, +clung to her hands, and buried his face in the folds of her dress. He +could not utter a word except her name, which he stammered out +repeatedly in faltering accents. + +"How is this?" she whispered. "Overcome this emotion, and be a man. You +ought to be my support; I must look up to you. Have I not done so, +during all these days?" + +He rose slowly. "Pardon me darling," he said, pressing her to his +heart, and ratifying on her lips a mute vow. "My knees could no longer +support me. This day has brought me too much misery and bliss. Now I am +strong again, now my heart can once more sustain hope and happiness. +Let us walk to the carriage, I am impatient to embrace our child." + + + + + + DOOMED. + + + + + DOOMED. + + + Meran, 5th October 1860. + +A week has passed since my arrival and I have not written a line! I was +too much exhausted and agitated by the long journey. When I sat down to +write, gazing on the white blank pages, it seemed to me as if I were +looking into a camera obscura. All the scenes which had greeted me on +my journey appeared so clearly and vividly before me and chased each +other as in a feverish dream till my eyes filled with tears. + +More than once during the journey I had felt the tears ready to start, +but I was not alone, and I had no desire to be pitied, and questioned +by the strangers who occupied the carriage with me. + +Here it is different--I am alone and free. Already I have learnt by +experience that solitude only can bring freedom. Why am I, even now, +ashamed to weep? have I not a full right to do so? Is it not sad that +my first glimpse of the beauties of this world should also be my last? + +Truly it were better that I closed this book, and left the blank pages +as they are. With what can I fill them but with useless complaints. I +had imagined that it would be pleasant and consoling to write down +every thought that crossed my mind, every event in this my last winter. +I wished to bequeath this book to my dear brother, my little Ernest, +who is as yet too young to understand life and death; but some day or +other he would prize it, when, asking about his sister, he found no one +to answer him. Now, however, I see it was a foolish thought. How could +I wish to live in the memory of those dear to me, in the image of my +last illness. Better that he should forget me, than have impressed on +his mind these pale features which frighten even me when I look at them +in the mirror. + + + Evening.-- + --The atmosphere heavy and lowering.-- + +For several hours I have been sitting at the open casement. From thence +one can overlook the beautiful country of the Adige. And far beyond the +walls of the town and the wide-spreading[2] poplars which border the +stone-dike beside the rushing Passer, the view extends over the lower +pasture-lands, intersected with a hundred rivulets, where the cattle +feed, to the distant chain of mountains which bounds the horizon. The +air was so still that I could hear the voices of the promenaders on the +_Wassermauer_[3]--or was it a fancy of mine? + +The children of my landlord, a tailor, peeped in curiously through the +door till I at last gave them the remainder of the chocolate in my +travelling bag. How joyfully they ran down with it to their mother! +Soon I became more calm and cheerful. I found that I had been wrong in +dreading my own soliloquies. Why, even considering these leaves as a +legacy, should they only contain sorrow? Did I not leave home, where I +was tied down by a hundred fetters with the full determination for +once, to enjoy life and liberty? And shall I now bear witness against +myself that I am unworthy of that freedom? + +Certainly it will be but a brief enjoyment, but all the more firmly +will I grasp it and not embitter it by weakness and absorbing +self-pity. + +The landlady told me that this morning a burgher of Meran, who had +never suffered from illness in his life, had died suddenly in his +prime. They had all expected that he would attain to a good old age, +and, probably, he had thought so himself. Comparing my fate with his, +is not mine preferable? Probably, like the generality of men, he had +spent his days in toil and labour, looking forward to a time when +having earned a sufficiency, he would be able to rest, and enjoy the +remainder of his life. His end was unexpected, whilst I know mine. And +is not this difference all in my favour? Is not spring yet distant, and +should I so fully enjoy this reprieve, were its short duration +concealed from me? Oh, truly it is a blessing not to be overtaken, and +surprised by death; to watch his slow approach, and only then, face to +face with him, learn to live. I can never sufficiently express my +thanks to our doctor, my dear fatherly friend, for not keeping the +truth from me--thus has he fully redeemed the promise he gave to my +dying mother, always to stand by me as a friend. + +The night has now set in. I can hardly see what I write. In my whole +life, I have never felt so thoroughly at peace as here, in this +beautiful forecourt to the grave.--Father! that I could but waft one +breath of it to your depressed and sorrowful soul. Good night! Good +night, my little Ernest. Who has put you to bed to-night? Who shall now +tell you fairy tales to send you to sleep? + + + The 6th Afternoon. + +To-day as Frau Meisterin brought up my dinner, she eagerly tried to +persuade me to take a walk and not to sit so much at home. It was so +fine on the Wassermauer. So many people were to be seen there; she was +sure it would divert me. I could not make her understand that all I +wished was to collect my thoughts, and not to divert them; and that I +did not feel the slightest desire for the company of strangers. At +last, I convinced her by declaring that I was still so weak and so +tired with the journey that the two steep stairs were as yet too much +for me. Then she left me, and I continued to write. + +I have been obliged to put aside my embroidery; it now hurts my chest. +I had even to send away my landlord's little girls to whom I had +intended to give sewing-lessons. + +To-day a doubt weighs on my mind. It seized me suddenly for the first +time on waking this morning, and came upon me with great force and +persistence. I want to solve it now. Strange, that it should not have +struck me sooner. I was so fully convinced that I was doing right! I +knew that no one would miss me at home, that my father felt pained at +every unkind look my step-mother gave me, that I could no longer be of +use even to Ernest, since my step-mother had insisted, in spite of his +tender age, on sending him to school, only to avoid seeing him, and +having to take care of him. + +My father shed tears when he clasped me for the last time in his arms; +still my departure relieved him. He wished what is best for me, but +what can he do? + +This morning, however, the question suddenly occurred to me, whether I +had not left other duties; whether any human being, not utterly +disabled, has a right to sit down idly or go holiday making for a whole +winter. Only since I have felt happy; since the littlenesses of the +empty commonplace provincial life have ceased to oppress me, have I +begun to question myself as to what right I had to enjoyment, more than +all those thousands to whom death is not more distant, than it is to +me, and who are forced to strive and wrestle to their last breath, and +here am I closing a truce with the enemy, and celebrating a festival as +if I had been victorious.-- + + + 7th October. + +That question for which my poor head could find no answer, I have +solved to-day when I came home as shattered from my first walk as if I +had laboured for a day in chains. No, I am fit for nothing but rest, +and if it taste sweeter to me than to many, that cannot be a cause for +self-reproach. Am I not more easily contented than others? If I am of +no use, am I a burden to any one? Even if I did not avail myself of the +small inheritance left me by my mother, but kept it intact for my +brother Ernest, would it exempt him from the necessity of supporting +himself by his own exertions? Part of it will probably remain for him, +for as I experienced to-day, my strength is already scantier than I had +imagined. Who can tell how short my winter in the South may be? I shall +not frequent the walk under the poplars. To-day I felt uneasy among +those poor, coughing, dressed up people, who tottered about with their +baskets full of grapes, and seemed eagerly to imbibe new hope with each +berry. By those whose faces expressed hopelessness, I felt still less +attracted. It may sometimes be soothing to frequent the society of +fellow-sufferers; but when the same fate creates totally different +feelings, then that which could otherwise unite only separates, and one +feels all the more forcibly the difference of character. Not to one of +them, would I have ventured to speak of the peaceful and grateful mood +I enjoyed. They would either have looked upon me as an eccentric +enthusiast, or thought me a hypocrite. + +Can they be blamed for it? Possibly I too might have feared death had I +loved life more. And why was my life so little loveable? + +Only a few can understand the deep feeling of immensity, and peace with +which nature fills my soul. For two and twenty years I never set foot +beyond the walls of a small uninteresting commonplace town. In these +days people travel much. But for the long illness of my mother, and +after her death, the care of my little brother, I too would probably +have wandered forth from that desolate little place. This beautiful +valley already seems to me like the world to come, like a true Garden +of God. The first time I inhaled this air, I felt as if I already +glided over the earth, borne on the wings of my soul. It was certainly +a pity that they did not support me better as I toiled up the steep +narrow stairs, but what business had I to descend them, when every +glance through my windows is an excursion into Paradise. + +The people with whom I lodge are very poor. The man works till late at +night, and his wife has enough to do, attending to the wants of her +large family. The inside of the house looks dusky and gloomy. When the +porter of the hotel who from the simplicity of my dress inferred great +meagreness of purse, first took me through the long dark passages, and +the gloomy courts, and we scrambled up the delapidated staircase, over +the landing where dusty furniture, old spinning-wheels, beds, earthen +ware and provisions of maize lay in confused heaps, and the spiders, +undisturbed for many years, spun their webs, I felt oppressed and my +heart beat so that I had to rest at every third step. But the first +glance at my small low room reconciled me quickly to the thought +that this was to be my last earthly habitation. That old fashioned +writing-table with the brass mountings looks like the twin-brother of +the one which stood in my dear mother's room. That arm-chair is just as +high and heavy, and as brown with age, as the one she used. A few bad +prints on the wall, which disturbed me, I immediately took down, and +hung up the portraits of my parents instead. It now seems to me as if I +had been at home here for years. In one of the corners on a black +wooden console stands a crucifix which though I have not been brought +up to it, causes me deep reflection. I have received all my books. My +father sent them after me and now I want nothing more. At the same time +he wrote me just such a letter as I expected from him. That trait of +conforming oneself to what is unalterable without further struggle, I +have inherited from him. Six lines from Ernest to tell me that he is +very happy at school with his little comrades, and a greeting from my +stepmother; at least, the letter contains one, but probably my father +has added it without asking. Now I will write home. How much more +freely could I do so, if I knew that my letters reached my father's +hands only. + + + The 10th--Evening. + +What strange people one meets with! An hour ago I was sitting, quite +unsuspicious of any interruption, at my window reading, and enjoying +the mild evening breeze--the sun now sets at five o'clock behind the +Marlinger mountain, yet the air retains the mildness of a summer +evening, and the tips of the high mountains to the East, a ruddy glow, +for many hours longer--when there came a knock at the door, and a short +stout lady, quite unknown to me, entered coolly, and introduced herself +to me, expressing a most cordial desire to make my acquaintance. She +had seen me on the Wassermauer the only time I had walked there, and +had immediately taken a great interest in me, for I was evidently very +ill and very lonely, and she had resolved to speak to me the next time +we met, hoping to be of some use to me. + +"For you must know, my dear child, that I, as I stand before you, am +fifty-nine years old, and have not been ill for one day, except during +my confinements. My two sons, and three daughters are also, thank +heaven, perfectly healthy, and are all of them married and settled in +life. But you see I have always had a passion from my earliest youth +for helping those people who were not so well off as I am, for nursing +the sick, and for rendering the last offices to the dying. My late +husband used to call me the privileged life preserver; you cannot +imagine a better nurse than I am, for you see I am of a generation when +professional ones were as yet unknown. I can easily do without sleep, +and can even assist at any operation without the least show of +weakness. I have come here with a friend of mine who cannot last much +longer. When the poor thing is released from her sufferings, I shall +have more time at my disposal than now; she has always to entreat me to +leave her and take some exercise--and so my dear child if you want +support, advice, or help, apply to no one but me; you must solemnly +promise me this. Of course I will no longer allow you to spend your +days all alone. I will often come to see you. I never stand on ceremony +with my friends, and so you must take it kindly if I tyrannize over +you--it will be all for your good. I understand nervous complaints as +well as the best of doctors--amusements, air, excitement, are the +remedies I prescribe. _A propos_, which doctor have you consulted +here?" I answered that I had not applied to any, neither intended to do +so as I knew that my malady was incurable. She shook her head +incredulously, so I took from my portfolio a sheet of paper on which +our doctor had drawn a sort of representation, to shew how far the +disease in my lungs had spread. She examined it with experienced eyes. + +"My dear child," she at last said, "this is all nonsense, the doctors +are all the same, the more they talk, the less they know. I could lay +any wager that your interior has a totally different aspect from this." +I told her that she had every prospect of being able to ascertain this, +but that I declined the wager, as unfortunately I could not win it +whilst alive. She only partly listened to what I said, and she +continued in so loud a voice that it pierced to my very marrow, to give +me an account of different illnesses which tended to shew how little +doctors were to be relied on, accompanying it with so many details, +that it would have made me sick, if I had not had courage and presence +of mind enough to cry for mercy. At length she rose, and in taking +leave she made a movement as if to embrace me, and was evidently +surprised when I coldly and stiffly gave her my finger tips. She +rustled out of the room in great haste, and with many promises to +return soon. I had to sit for half an hour with closed eyes to calm my +nerves. A sharp odour of acetic ether which surrounded her and which +she strongly recommended to me as a powerful neurotic, is still +prevalent in the room, and those sharp peering eyes, and the determined +expression of philanthropy in her broad face still haunt me. Only the +thought, that for some days at least, I was safe from another invasion, +gave me some consolation. But my former _tete-a-tete_ with destiny; +that which gave a peculiar charm to this place are now lost to me, +unless I speak to her yet more intelligibly; and that, even in a case +of self-defence, would be most painful to me. + +And is this human sympathy! The few who love us pain us by it, because +we see that they suffer with us--and those who do not love us--can they +please us? "Only beggars know, what beggars feel" I once read in +Lessing. But can beggars give alms?-- + + + The next Morning. + +I have had a restless night. I am so little in the habit of speaking, +and being spoken to that the shrill voice of the charitable lady still +resounds in my ears. In my dreams I had a fierce quarrel with her, till +at last she took off her fair front and threw it in my face--I woke up +with a shudder and bathed in perspiration. What rude things I had said +to her, among others that I would bequeath to her my lungs, preserved +in spirits of wine. How exceedingly impolite we are in our dreams! + +I dressed myself hastily, but even now I am in terror of another +invasion--my humble little corner, where I had hoped to die +peacefully--this too has been disturbed. Even here I cannot find quiet! +I really must go out and try to find some safer hiding-place. + + + In the Afternoon. + +To-day I have met with great events and have boldly surmounted +them--first a high mountain then an adventure with a savage--finally I +have revelled in nature, and solitude to intoxication. And although I +am so tired that I have to summon all my energy every time. I raise my +hand to dip my pen in the ink, yet I have renewed my inward strength, +and have got over the effect of last night's encounter. Now I could +boldly confront a whole company of coffee drinking sisters with false +fronts. + +How beautiful is my burial place, how marvellous the light that streams +on it. I fancied that I had already remarked the magical effects of +this light, but find that only to-day the scales have really dropped +from my eyes. Seriously I believe that what we in the north call +_sunshine_ is only an imitation of it, a cheap mixture of light and +air, a sort of gilded bronze in comparison with the real solid +priceless gold which is lavished here. + +I moved slowly up the cool and gloomy Laubengasse[4] where a shiver +always seizes me and a peculiar oppression stops my breath. Then I +reached the small Platz with the fine old church. The Platz appeared +all black and red with the costumes of the peasants of the +neighbourhood, and of the valley of the Passer. Their trim holiday +dress consists of a short dark jacket with red facings, red waistcoats, +and broad brimmed hats. Most of the people are fine-looking and +stately, the men however, much handsomer than the women. Of the latter, +I have only remarked since I came, two pretty faces with regular +features. + +As it was a peasant's holiday, they stood about in dense groups and +none of them took the least notice of the suffering stranger who glided +past their clumsy elbows. Over the whole Platz hung a thick cloud of +acrid tobacco smoke, which gave me a fit of coughing, so I preferred to +go round the church rather than endeavour to push my way through the +uncivil crowd. + +In the buttresses of the church, old tomb stones were immured. On one +of them I read an inscription so full of meek resignation that I was +greatly touched by it. One, Ludovica, was buried underneath it in the +year 1836. I will write down the inscription, I learnt it by heart: + + "Separate they lived, and lonely, + Father, mother, and only child + Till death had them together bound. + In blessedness themselves they found, + For aye and ever now united. + So the early fading of the rose, + Is to be envied; it is repose." + +The quiet and fervent tone of these verses accompanied me for many +hours. I walked pensively along the narrow streets up to an old gateway +which leads through a weather-beaten tower, scarred with French +bullets, into the valley of the Passeier. The view which from thence +suddenly opened before me filled me with awe, by its strangeness, +beauty, and grandeur. I sat down for half an hour on a large stone +beside the gateway, from whence a steep path leads to the Kuechelberg, +and up to an old tower, formerly a powder-magazine, which now +peacefully keeps watch over the vineyards like a pensioned veteran. + +Just before me on a rock which projects from the Kuechelberg, I +perceived the ruins of Zenoburg, and considered whether my strength +would carry me thus far on the broad and uncared for road, or if I +should content myself with crossing the stone bridge from whence I +could see the cheerful village of Obermais. A woman approached me with +a basket of grapes and peaches on her head. I bought some fruit and +after eating it felt invigorated. So I set off, pausing at every step +to look down on the Passer whose water now dark blue, now flaked with +white foam, flowed through the arch of the bridge. How boldly yet +lightly the vines hang from the rugged rocks on the banks of the river; +among them grows the wild fig-tree covered with purple fruit. Running +water conducted in canals refreshes the leaves, and now and then turns +a wheel. Large chesnut-trees rise from the depths. Everywhere luxuriant +growth and rejoicing nature meets the eye. Mine rested with especial +pleasure on the varied colouring of the rocks; here of a warm brownish +tint, there of a silvery grey. How picturesque those peasants, in their +bright costumes look, coming down from the Kuechelberg, and that cart or +rather two wheeled sledge, drawn by strong whitish grey oxen, and laden +with vine-leaves, descending the Zenoburg. And above all a sky the +colour of which, I had held till now, to be a fiction of poets, and +painters. While I so walked on and wondered, I said to myself this is +all mine this is my joy and no one can take it from me. Could it be +more mine if instead of, for one moment, I had looked on it for +centuries? Who can say if the best part of every pleasure does not +consist in its transientness; how otherwise could the happy ever grow +tired of their bliss.... + +I had probably walked on too fast while thinking of all this, so that +when I reached the top of the hill, I had to rest on a bench which +stood before a pretty house. My eyes closed in involuntary slumber. All +was still around me, only the Meran church bells which deafened me +below sounded softly up here and lulled me to sleep. How pleasantly we +dream in the mid-day sunshine, when the light penetrates our closed +eyelids, and blends in our fancy, with the marvellous colours and rays +which have nothing tangible or earthly in them. Sitting quite still for +some time, I probably went to sleep, but suddenly I started up as I +felt something cold and moist touch my hand; it was nothing worse than +the nose of a large dog, who standing beside his master, watched me +curiously. But the appearance of the latter was so horrible, that I +would willingly have believed it to be a dream, to be got rid of by +speaking and moving. It was a tall bearded man whose age I could not +define. His hair hung over his forehead, he wore a heavy and enormous +hat, covered by a wilderness of cock's feathers, fox tails, and strange +furs, casting a fierce shade over his eyes, which however as I remarked +afterwards, had a most innocent and harmless expression. Probably I +plainly showed my terror, for the mysterious apparition, which seemed +to have risen from one of the old tombs of the Zenoburg, laughed +good-naturedly, holding a very small pipe between his even white teeth, +he told me not to be frightened. He was only a Saltner, who watched the +vineyards, and as I had entered his district he requested a penny for +tobacco. In my consternation, I gave him half a florin in silver, and +hastily turned away, as I did not feel quite secure in the close +proximity of his bright spear. But the piece of silver which is scarce +here, or perhaps a holiday humour made the giant quite tame and +officious. He walked without ceremony by my side, and noticing that I +climbed with difficulty, he energetically supported my arm with his +great paw. I had to put a good face on the matter, and indeed; ended by +being thankful for his help, as I could hardly have managed to ascend +alone the last steep bit on which the ruins of the castle stand. It +struck me how reserved he was in his questions, and how communicative +about his own affairs. Comparing this charitable brother with the +uncharitable sister, who had visited me yesterday, how much more +elevated was the natural feeling of this peasant, than the obtrusive +refinement of the so-called higher classes.--On the top of the hill it +was indeed beautiful. With the exception of a small chapel and a +solitary tower which remain intact, the castle is in ruins; only a few +fragments of walls, thickly covered with ivy, are standing. Luxuriant +grass grows beneath them, tribes of lizards rustle over the sunny +stones. Tangled creepers of every description hang over the walls, and +far below, so that a falling stone would dash perpendicularly into the +water, the unruly Passer flows underneath the shelving rocks at the +foot of the hill. + +My armour bearer pointed out to me, on the opposite heights towards the +south, many old castles and small villages, where the vine cultivators +live, and told me the names of the different mountains, as I +comfortably sat on the grass with his dog lying beside me. + +At noon the church bells rang; he ceased talking took the three +cornered hat off his head and the pipe from his mouth, and crossing +himself devoutly, he prayed in silence. When the sounds had died away, +he put his hat on again, puffed at his pipe, and asked me if I were +hungry. + +I answered in the affirmative, but said I was still too much exhausted +to undertake my homeward journey. Without a word he descended the hill +with stalwart strides, and disappeared. + +Ten minutes later a little girl carrying a basin of milk, some bread +and a piece of the fete-day roast, hurried up the hill and looked about +for me, then silently and timidly placed the very welcome refreshment +before me. After many vain attempts, I at last coaxed the child to +speak to me. She told me that the Saltner had ordered it all for me in +the house below; he himself was busy in the vineyards, and would not +come again. The child then ran away and left me alone to feast in this +delightful solitude. Never had I eaten a more delicious meal. I was +quite ashamed of having consumed all, and having to carry back the +empty dishes. + +With difficulty I persuaded the good people to accept some money; +probably the Saltner had forbidden them to take any. In vain I looked +for him on my back. I do not even know his name. + +Is this not quite an adventure? and have I not reason to note this day. + + + October the 12th--Morning. + +This morning on waking, I thought how strange it is, that each +different class should envy the supposed freedom of the other, although +no true freedom can be found where the sense of this difference of +classes exists. Perhaps while I am casting a longing glance at the life +of these poor peasants who pass their days among vines, fields of +maize, and mulberry-trees, and who know as little of the hundred narrow +conventional considerations of propriety which rule the so-called +refined classes than the silk worm knows of the glittering misery which +may one day be covered by his web; to them the life of a town lady who +if she chose might spend her days in waltzing may seem a life of +supreme happiness and freedom. They are tied to their labour hour after +hour, and when they rest on Sundays they can as little free themselves +from the tedious customs which confine their enjoyments, as they can in +the heat of a summer-day, exchange the heavy woollen skirt with the +hundreds of plaits, for a lighter dress. + +The educated classes certainly have this advantage that they _can_ +emancipate themselves when they will, but still would such a one not be +blamed by his equals, just as peasant is blamed when he goes out +shooting in the harvest time? Altogether.... + + + 1 _o'clock_. + +No I will not bear this any longer, if I had to challenge the whole +world for it. The dying surely need not lie, need not submit to be +tormented, and smile complacently all the while. I am so revolted and +harassed--my nerves are so bruised, that I wish for a speaking trumpet +to be able to declare through it at the open window, my most solemn +renunciation of all society; unfortunately my tormentors are dining at +this moment, but this must happen sooner or later. + +I will have an iron bolt to my door of an hundred pounds weight, and an +iron mask for my face when I take a step out of my room. + +The landlady has just brought up my dinner; well it may get cold, I +have no appetite for it. My heart is beating fast with anger and +agitation. + +I am sick to death of all the talking that has been buzzing in my ears, +and could no more be stopped than the stream which turns that wheel +beside the bridge. That at least legitimates its noise by its useful +activity. + +Among all the good things I had to say of yesterday, I forgot to +mention the vain attempt of "the life-preserver" to see me. Now I +thought she will have at all events remarked that I do not wait for her +permission to breathe the fresh air and for the future will let the +light of her charity shine on more grateful beings. I little knew her. + +Whilst I was writing I heard her step coming up the stairs, and laying +aside my diary, I quickly took a letter which I had begun from my +portfolio, and intrenched myself behind it, determined to defend myself +to the last drop of ink. + +My poor forces were overthrown by her at the first assault. Letter +writing! tired! what nonsense; it was for my health I was here, and my +nerves required amusement and rest. No, as I had run up the Kuechelberg +yesterday like an unreasonable child, she had come to-day to prevent +the repetition of such suicide and to show me what it was to take the +air in a healthful way. Oh, yes she had found me out, I was not pleased +to see her again so soon! but a young lady who lived by herself was on +no account to be neglected. I was only to submit to her authority, and +would certainly be grateful to her afterwards. + +I put on my hat silently and resignedly. I could not even feel angry at +her clumsy and good natured tone, though it made me suffer bodily pain. + +Chattering incessantly she dragged me towards the winter grounds, as +the most sheltered part of the Wassermauer is called, for there an old +cloister and its high garden-wall keep off all cold winds, evergreen +shrubs flourish and the rose-bushes are still covered with roses. This +place is always crowded, the band plays and the whole society of +strangers walk there or sit basking in the sunshine. My protectress +seemed purposely to have brought me here with the intention of +introducing me to this beau monde. I had to run the gauntlet of a +curious, but to me quite indifferent crowd of ladies and gentlemen. I +saw not one face that pleased me, heard not one word that reached my +heart. Then the heat under those arbours, the noise of the importunate +brass band, and the rebellion which was chafing within me against this +soft tyranny, nearly drove me distracted. + +Still more revolting to me than the dull unfeelingness of the healthy, +was the behaviour of many of my fellow sufferers. There sat a young +countess who as I heard had been parted from her husband, in order to +avoid all excitement, but she was not too ill to notice my simple +old-fashioned dress, which she scanned from head to foot, and then with +a crushing look, she wrapped herself up in her cashemere burnouss, as I +sat on the bench beside her. + +And that young girl who treated me as an old acquaintance in the first +five minutes, and told me all the scandal of Meran, though death was +written in her face, and her cough went to my heart. Are those figures +of wax, dressed up automatons, who exhibit all their old minauderies, +though when spring comes they will have to lie in their coffins. + +It seemed to me quite a deliverance when the dinner-bell of the hotel +de la poste rang, and most of the company departed and my protectress +had to go to her sick friend. I hardly bid her good-bye. I could no +longer speak, or listen to a word, for I felt quite paralized; so she +has at last obtained her object and tried her cure on me, and the +result is, that both in mind and body I am more dead than alive. +Certainly that is a sort of recovery. + + + The 13th--Evening. + +I have at last succeeded, and cannot sufficiently express my joy at +this achievement. I reflected that it was only just, that if I wished +for freedom, I should purchase it by the exertion of some courage and +determination. Armed with a book, I calmly walked through the winter +grounds without recognizing any one, sat down in the midst of the whole +society and read for several hours without once looking up. + +Of course the life-preserver made her appearance and at once approached +my bench, but I coolly told her that talking hurt me; she looked +astonished, shrugged her shoulders, and left me to myself. + +I saw very well that she was offended. So much the better! If I find no +better occupation I will do this every day; I feel a certain +satisfaction in it. Whilst I sat surrounded by all those tiresome +people, I triumphed in my courage and the victory I had gained in not +having allowed myself to be daunted. Certainly the conflict had made my +heart beat faster, but even courage is not to be learnt in a day. And +then is it not doubly refreshing to read the grave and beautiful words +of our greatest poets, when from the different conversations around, +one picks up words which show what inferior spiritual nourishment +society puts up with. + +Possibly this may be a proud and over vain thought. But some pride +surely is pardonable in one so isolated. Is it not most presumptuous to +retire within oneself, and be contented with one's own society? Surely +he who prepares for death has a right to think of his soul above all +things, and how is this possible, in the midst of the thoughtless, +soulless noise, commonly called conversation? + +Already they show me plainly that I am not to their taste. To-day when +I appeared on the Wassermauer, with my book, all the benches were +occupied except one, on which sat only a pale and melancholy looking +young man, who is daily partly led, partly followed by a servant to a +sunny corner of the wintergarden and there sits covered up with costly +furs. Had the ladies, who were talking, and embroidering in the arbours +deigned to move, they certainly could have made room for my slight +person, whose crinoline never molested any one. + +I saw however that they had resolved to cause me embarrassment. Oh, how +sharp, unamiable, cold, and even inhuman our faces become, when we are +determined to show our dislike to some one of our fellow creatures! I +felt quite frightened at the stony features, dark looks, and drawn down +lips of the company. But soon I was ashamed of my cowardice, and of +having allowed it to be perceived. So I looked as if I saw no hostility +in their countenances and quietly sat down beside the young man, +leaving space enough between us, even for the wide robes of the +countess. I was deeply absorbed in my book, but though I never looked +up, I knew exactly what were the glances they cast at me, and could +have written down the benevolent remarks that were whispered beneath +those arbours. The sick young man hardly moved, only from time to time +he sighed--I pitied him; he appears to be one of the most suffering of +the invalids here, and to bear his illness with difficulty. He must be +rich for I saw a costly ring glittering on his finger. + +We sat side by side for several hours, and I was on the point of making +some observation to him about the book I was reading merely for the +sake of rousing him from the melancholy thoughts which seemed to +oppress him. Where would have been the harm? But now a days, care is +taken to make us feel ashamed of every natural impulse. So I remained +silent and read on. Suddenly he let a silver pencil-case fall from his +hands, as he was going to write down something in his pocketbook; he +made an effort to stoop, breathing with difficulty and I, without much +hesitation, anticipated him, and picked up the neat little pencil-case. +He thanked me with rather a surprised look: I myself blushed deeply, +and hearing a derisive titter from the ladies' bower, I lost my +composure for a few minutes. I thought with most tormenting +perspicacity of all that would be said of the crime committed by a +young lady in being of use to a young man. What would he think of me? I +had slightly glanced at him and remarked no smile on his melancholy +face. If after this proof of how little worldly knowledge I possess, he +thinks me very countrified, why should that annoy me? If I am contented +to be so, why should I be angry with him for perceiving it? He bowed +very politely, as half an hour later I rose to go. By this time I had +come to an understanding with myself, and felt so composed, that I +returned hi? salutation without the least embarrassment. Even the black +looks of my protectress, who had been immediately taken possession of, +by the other ladies, could not spoil my appetite for dinner. + +Here comes the soup unfortunately, it is of a lighter colour even than +the fair curls of the charitable lady. What a pity it is, that with the +dying, taste is not the first thing to depart. How I wish for one good +home cooked dish.-- + + + Evening. The first autumnal winds + carrying with it some poplar leaves. + +A letter from our dear old doctor, my best friend. He wants to hear how +I am getting on, how I feel, and how the climate agrees with me. He +reproaches himself for not having hidden the hopeless truth from me; at +the same time he praises my courage and firmness; he does not try to +change or put another construction on his former words; he knows it +would be useless. "Remember, dear Mary," he adds, "that miracles still +happen every day, and that all our science and knowledge only teach us +to marvel at everything or nothing. He is aware that my best comfort is +to know the truth, and to live in the truth as long as life is granted +me." + + + Several days later. I have lost the date. + Beautiful autumnal evening. + +Here was so much wind in the forenoon that I had to remain in-doors. I +was busy altering my dresses for my chest becomes more and more +delicate and they oppress me. In the afternoon the wind subsided, and I +walked out, down the broad street called Rennweg. Numbers of cows and +goats were driven through it--not a pleasant circumstance attending the +walks here. I tremble every time I see one of those clumsy horned heads +approach me though I know that they are not so stupid as they appear, +and have not such strong prejudices against a lonely female, as my wise +fellow-creatures. It is my bodily weakness which in case of need could +not find shelter behind a stout heart, which leaves me defenceless. So +I kept close to the houses, and arrived safely at the Western gate of +the town from whence the road leads on to the beautiful and sunny +Vintschgau. A path which passes at the foot of the Kuechelberg and then +winds through the vineyards tempted me and I slowly walked in that +direction. It pleased me to see the heavy bunches of purple grapes +hanging from the trellis above me, the huge yellow pumpkins, the ripe +maize in short all the riches of a southern autumn. Now and then I met +peasants at work; tubs filled with grapes and carts laden with +vine-leaves passed me. It seemed strange to me that the work was done +so quietly, without music or singing, for I had always fancied the +vintage to be one of the most noisy and brilliant of festivals. The +people of the country are of a lazy pensive disposition and never sing +at their work. If one now and then hears a song it is owing to there +being many Italians here, who are easily recognized by their fiery and +lively gestures. + +A hundred paces distant from the gate, close under the mountain, lies a +solitary farm. My landlady had told me that there one could get milk +fresh from the cow. As I am not a good walker, I entered the little +garden and ordered some milk and bread. Only a few strangers occupied +the benches, but just beside the door underneath a large orange-tree, +sat the pale young man, whilst his servant further, off, was refreshing +himself with a glass of wine. He had not touched the glass of milk +which stood before him, and as I was going to pass, he rose, bowed, and +offered me a seat at his table, saying that it was the most sheltered +spot. It was the first time I had heard him speak several sentences +together without stopping. His deep sad voice was very pleasing. I +gladly accepted his offer and when he begged me to take his untouched +glass, as he was not thirsty, I could not refuse without giving +offence. Finally we began a conversation, though much broken by pauses, +during which he relapsed into his melancholy dreaming. Only once he +smiled slightly, but it made him look still more sad when his pale lips +parted over the bluish white teeth. We had been talking of the dull +monotony in the life of the patients here; of the tiresome sitting +about in the winter garden. I said it reminded me of the caterpillars +and cocoons which my little brother keeps in glass boxes. These also +crawled about indolent and depressed amongst their food, satisfying +their gaoler by feeding greedily, and eyeing each other curiously when +they accidentally met; then they proceeded to their winter sleep, if by +chance they did not find the air too oppressive for them, and died. He +laughed, and said: "your comparison is much too flattering; do you +think that our fellow-worms ever feel as light and free as _they_ +become, unless in a purer atmosphere than this terrestrial one?" "That +depends," replied I, "on whether, when they proceed safe and sound from +their cocoons, they find their glass cage open. Otherwise they may be +reserved for a still more cruel fate. Few enjoy the liberty of their +wings; they are generally caught again, and struggle on a pin till +their bright colours turn to dust." + +He remained silent, and I was half sorry for having led the +conversation to so strange a theme; to divert his thoughts, I spoke to +him of the stiff, foolish narrow minded views of my native town, where +in the style of the so-called good old times, every one embitters the +life of his neighbour in the most amicable and ceremonious way. I then +told him how free and released I felt since I knew I was doomed to die. +My fetters had been loosened like the fetters of those who are +sentenced to death. He listened with interest but looked incredulous. +When I had done speaking.... + + + The next day. + +Yesterday I could not have been interrupted in a more unwelcome manner. +My door suddenly opened and the life-preserver, the sister of charity, +the lady without nerves, rushed into the room with a particularly stern +and solemn countenance which boded no good. Without taking breath after +running up the stairs, she sat down, spread her skirts over my sofa, +and without any circumlocution began to lecture me. Possibly she may be +of use where bodily nursing is required, but for spiritual care she +certainly has no vocation. A more clumsy way of touching on delicate +subjects I have not yet met with, and I have certainly not been spoiled +in that respect. I was informed that I had been guilty of great sins, +and could only make atonement for them by deep contrition. The +unaccountable whims of a sick person might, perhaps, excuse the +highflown manner with which I had received the friendly advances of +many estimable ladies, and the way in which I had withdrawn from their +company. But I had dared too in the face of all society to make +advances to a young man, and yesterday had gone so far as to accept his +glass of milk, and his company on my way home. She had never heard of +such a thing. A girl without the least education but with a sense of +decency and a proper regard for her reputation would never have thought +of doing so. After these occurrences she would certainly never have set +foot over my threshold again, had not conscience, and her good nature +bidden her warn me. I was alone here, and had no one to look after me +if I went astray. That young man did not enjoy a good reputation; his +illness was the consequence of a dissipated and reckless life which he +had now to expiate by an early death. If so near to the grave, he was +still so unscrupulous as to compromise a young creature like myself, +then all persons who had any regard for morality must condemn his +outrageous conduct, and endeavour to save his victim. + +During this speech I remained petrified, and my heart beat so violently +that I could not utter a word; but when she stopped and cast a severe +look at me, the convicted sinner, I rallied all my remaining spirit and +answered that I thanked her for her solicitude, and did not at all +doubt her good intentions, but that I did not think I had committed any +impropriety--still less had gone astray--that I did not believe my +reputation to be in any danger. I knew what I could, or could not do, +and would be responsible for it. I did not see why the fact of having +one foot in the grave obliged one to give an account to the world of +every free but innocent action, particularly as even that would not +protect one against its malignant judgments. I had not come to Meran, I +continued, in order to ingratiate myself with a society entirely +strange to me, but to spend my last days in the manner most agreeable +to me, and most in accordance with my nature. You must allow me, my +dear Madam, I concluded, not to be led by considerations which, +perhaps, may be useful to others. When I had delivered this speech I +felt quite startled at my own boldness yet I was pleased with myself. +This I thought will at all events make an end of it; and so it was; at +least, I hope so, for my protectress rose with a dignified look which +sat oddly on, her round face adorned with the little ringlets and said: +"Good-bye, Mademoiselle, you are so independent that it would be +indiscreet in me to prolong my visit," and with these words she sailed +out of the room. So I had at last got rid of her, but not of her +sayings, nor of my thoughts. Oh, the sad cold littleness of the world! +Is there no spot on earth where a poor human being may be permitted to +die after its own fashion? Is one to go tightly laced even to one's +last breath? No, they shall not get the better of me; I do not love +them, then why should I not despise them; or at least not notice them +when they cross my path? Possibly I may have been thoughtless, but +thoughtfulness requires time, and I have not much to spare. Certainly +if I had to live with these people for an immeasurable time, it might +be prudent not to exasperate them, and to bow before them--prudent, but +annoying, and in my opinion, hardly worth the while. What harm could +they do to me; at the worst they would leave me alone, and could they +do me a greater favour? She said that he had caused his own sufferings. +Is he for that less worthy of compassion? Perhaps, the remorse he feels +is the cause of his melancholy, as the consciousness of my undeserved +fate is the cause of my gaiety. Each of us has lived a different life, +and has now to resign it. I have nothing to repent of, and nothing to +regret; he does both, and so each of us dies a different death. + +Why should it be a crime to exchange a few unconstrained words? Do not +people who have set out together on a long journey fraternize, and +become friends at the first station? Are they then to be blamed if they +exchange a few words before starting. + + + Monday, the 21st October. + +I spent my Sunday at home in writing, and reading the letters of +Mendelssohn's youth, which in my opinion show his character to much +greater advantage than his other writings. They convince me still more +that even a complete and free man of genius can work earnestly at his +own improvement. If I were a man, I should only care to be an artist. +This seems an extravagant idea; for those not endowed with talents +perceive only the outward freedom of the existence of a genius, and not +the anxieties and labours of his vocation. But in some of the +attributes of an artist's nature, in the power of desiring freedom, and +of maintaining it, in enthusiasm for noble deeds, and in admiration for +all that is beautiful, I should not be found wanting, and armed with +these weapons could pass a lifetime in waging war against petty +formalists and pedants. + +But of what use are all these to me, a girl, with death before me. +Well, at all events they will teach me to die calmly. + +Mendelssohn's letters have awakened in me a longing for music. I hope I +have not been extravagant in hiring a small piano. This morning it was +brought to me, and now stands In my room. I have not played for a long +time, and after reading Mendelssohn's letters felt quite ashamed of +stumbling through his songs without words. I must purchase some sonatas +and study them. I confess that at the first notes of music I burst into +tears. The last conversation has left in me a wound which bled afresh, +as the first sound of music reached my heart after so many weeks +privation. I let my tears flow freely, and played on till I grew calm +again. + + + "The 22nd." + +I have seen him again. I had avoided him these last days. Though I am +quite determined to go my own way; still they have succeeded in robbing +me of my first unconstraint. But to-day I met him at the bookseller's +shop, where I was looking out some music. He asked me if I had felt +unwell, as I had not appeared on the Wassermauer. I blushed and +replied, "no, but I had not felt inclined to walk there." Then we +talked about music which he greatly likes. "Once I was in possession of +a voice," he said, smiling; "but it has departed this life before me." +As we came out of the shop I at first wished to bid him adieu, and walk +home alone. Then I felt ashamed of my cowardice, and walked on with him +to the gate which leads on to the Wassermauer. The day was lovely, and +the promenaders walked about with their cloaks on their arms. Only a +few yellow leaves reminded one of October. As we followed the course of +the Passer and passed the benches occupied by the so-called good +society, I was pleased, and happy to feel so much at ease. I tried to +cheer him up and when I had succeeded in making him laugh I applauded +my own spirit which was not to be daunted. I said to myself, "Does it +please you my good people to put on disdainful looks, and to wrap +yourselves up in your own virtue, as much as it does me to see this +pale face, on which death has already cast its shadow, light up with +the serenity of an evening sky." We walked up and down for a whole hour, +and I did not feel in the least tired. This time I closely examined his +countenance. Whatever lies behind him, it can be nothing base or mean. +His features are neither regular nor can they be called expressive, but +when he speaks there is something refined and thoughtful about his face +which becomes him well. He cannot be more than twenty-six years old. +His manners are easy, and natural, and plainly show that he has mixed +in the best society. I, with my provincial style of dress, and little +knowledge of the world, must contrast strangely with him. + +I have looked over the book of strangers trying to find out his name; +_before_, I only knew where he lived; I have now discovered that he can +be none other than a Mr. Morrik _Particulier_ from Vienna. What an odd +position! probably it means independent. Then I am a _Particuliere_ +with more right to be so than he has. He is dependent on many things; +on his fortune, on his melancholy thoughts--on his servant, who carries +his cloak and furs for him. + + + The 23rd. + +Last night I dreamt much, and very reflective dreams. In one of them, I +again met Halding, who for years has never troubled my thoughts. I +spoke to him as indifferently as ever, and asked after his wife and +children. I was glad to hear that they were very well. Then still in my +dream, I considered what would have been my lot, had I accepted his +hand. I should now be established in America, in a fine house, and have +riches and health, for I should not have passed through the sufferings +of the last years, in my father's house--I should not be thinking of +dying. I thought over all this, as I saw the red cheeked wife, who had +so soon consoled him after my refusal--I shuddered at the idea of such +happiness. This may appear foolish, full of pretension, and +ingratitude. What fault could I find in him except that I did not love +him. Many people found him most amiable, and I thought him even too +much so, for a man. As a woman he would have made the best, most +docile, and virtuous of wives, but just for that reason would, as a +husband have made me most wretched. More than once I have been given to +understand that my character was too determined and energetic for a +girl. Did not the long lecture of the life preserver tend to show me +how deficient I was in feminine timidity and reserve. If this be true +the fault lies with my destiny, which threw me early in life on my own +resources, and made me independent. One to whom the world and life +makes advances may well await its approach but one who must confront +its struggles, cannot do without reliance on God, and on himself. If I +required any proof that no unwomanly boldness, no desire of dominating +lies in my character, I would find it in my dislike to womanish men, +who must lean for support on a wife; and towards manly women who only +find their happiness in ruling. + + + The 26th. + +A few quiet and uniform days have passed. I felt very languid and +disinclined to everything and I remained at home, as the change from +the hot sunshine to the dark arcades always hurts me. I read, and +played a few sonatas, and felt that even solitude brings many heavy +hours with it. + +To-day I walked out and the first person I met was Mr. Morrik, as he +really is called--I heard an acquaintance address him by that name. We +sat for a long time together on a bench amidst the evergreen shrubs in +the winter garden for underneath the poplars the air is now getting too +sharp. Society seems to have reconciled itself to the unpardonable and +unheard of crime, committed by two candidates for death, in talking to +each other, and no longer disturbs us. So to-day we had a remarkable +conversation. It began, instead of ending, as such conversations when +they are earnest and agitated are apt to do, by the utterance of the +most hidden thoughts which are usually kept back, till, after having +turned over different questions, they suddenly break forth in the +ardour of the contest. It was not the first time that I experienced in +myself a habit of thinking aloud. To my own great astonishment I, this +time suddenly took heart, and poured forth my most hidden and unavowed +thoughts and feelings; so that when the words, I was uttering struck my +ear I felt quite frightened at my audacity in harbouring such strange +ideas, and still more in delivering them to a stranger. It sometimes +really appears to me as if I had two characters within me--the one +spirited, out spoken, and clever, and this one seldom shews itself--the +other, silly and girlishly shy, which sits by in fear and trembling +when the other speaks, and cannot muster courage to interrupt it. I +forget what gave rise to this conversation. I only remember that before +I knew what I was saying I found myself in the midst of an eager, and +passionate sermon. The subject I treated was "the fear of death," which +is so plainly written in many faces around us, and also in his pale +quiet features. I have now forgotten the greatest part of my lecture, +though as the words flowed from my tongue it pleased me much and seemed +to me impossible to be refuted. I only remember that the text of my +sermon were the words of Goethe: "For I was made man, and that means, +that I have striven"----etc. "Why then if we are all combatants," I +began, "Who sooner or later must perish beside their colours, why +should it be a disgrace to those only who bear arms by profession to +meet death with cowardice; why should it not also be considered +repugnant to the esprit de corps, and the honour of humanity in +general, to cling to life with groanings and lamentations when danger +approaches. Soldiers who slink away on the eve of a battle are brought +back dishonoured and disgraced, and are thought too despicable to be +allowed to fight in the ranks of the brave. Why should a dying man who +prays for a respite of days, and hours, and even minutes, not forfeit +our sympathy and obtain only a little pity for his weakness?" So it was +I spoke. I felt like an old trooper who exhorts his men before they +commence the assault on an entrenchment. I believe that at that moment, +if the whole of the society had gathered around me to listen, my ardour +would only have increased. In the midst of my harangue, I cast a look +over the beautiful landscape which lay bathed in sunshine and it seemed +to inquire of me whether it were so very contemptible not to close +ones' eyes readily on all we have learnt to love, when we do not know, +when and how they will open again or whether they will like the change. +But this mute interrogation did not disconcert me; I had an answer all +ready; so I continued: "What you have once enjoyed is yours for ever. +What has time to do with our immortal soul? and if the soul be +immortal, will not the best part of our life, our love, all that we +have striven, and yearned for be purified and increased, and remain +ours for ever. And how few really happy sensations do we owe to that +which we shall leave here below. How many delusions cling to our +dearest friendships, must cling to them for in the midst of our +enjoyment we feel restless, and dissatisfied! Then why not leave with a +serene countenance this dreary world, where the brightest light throws +the darkest shade?"--I could have talked on for ever, had not a +vehement fit of coughing cut short my power of speech. Then only did I +consider what effect all this might have on my silent and melancholy +companion and whether it would not have been better to wait till our +acquaintance had ripened somewhat, before I displayed my small +knowledge of life and death. That which was a specific for me, his +nature might not be strong enough to bear, and then what good would it +do him? Should I not appear to him as hard and obtrusive as the lady +without nerves had appeared to me. Had I the least right to force my +aid and advice on him? However the words had been said and could not be +recalled. He remained buried in thought for full ten minutes, and left +me time to reproach myself bitterly. Then he began in a grave and +affectionate tone to dispel my fears. He said that he agreed to every +word I had spoken, and that as he took a great interest in me, it +pleased him to see me meet my fate so well armed, and with so much +fortitude; but that human destinies were different. "It is unjust," he +continued, "to expect from the sick the same strength and courage, +which we justly demand in a troop of active and healthy men. Do you not +believe that in a soldier who camps in the snow and marches twelve +hours a day, the body and blood which he stakes when he hazards his +life, and limbs must be of a more vigorous nature than those of the +poor wounded man who from the hospital hears the report of the cannon +and shudders. And is he for that to be despised? But there is another +difference which a girl cannot well understand. A man who has any +knowledge of life must perceive that his destiny is not merely to enjoy +himself, but that he has a task to perform, duties to fulfil. Do not +you think that it must be painful to have to leave the world without +having even begun this task? You must not forget this difference +Mademoiselle: The soldier fulfils his duty in dying: every other man in +living except his death be a sacrifice or an example to others. How can +he who has hitherto only lived to neglect his duty die without feeling +his death to be a new fault, a new faithlessness. We have exchanged so +many confessions," he went on, "that it would be foolish to keep back, +one, which to be sure is wholly personal and may not interest you. To +judge from the opinions you have expressed you seem to think that my +gloomy and unhappy humour is the consequence of an unmanly despair at +the prospect of certain death. Perhaps you will be inclined to think +more favourably of me when I tell you that my illness has taught me to +look upon a life of vain amusements, caring and cared for by nobody, a +life of pure selfishness as unworthy of the exercise of great medical +skill, and of the benefit of this much lauded climate. The past would +not hinder me from dying calmly--it was an empty life nothing worse. It +is the future which I had hoped to conquer just when it was too late; +wisdom came but strength left me. It is that gnaws at my heart and +makes it impossible for me to leave life with the same cheerfulness +that you do. Believe me I was not worse than the best of my equals. I +spent my youth in idleness, gambling, travelling and such trifles and +fancied as long as my father lived that it was a life suitable to my +station, and this was also his opinion. I took great pleasure in the +intellectual amusements as they are called. I was present at the debut +of every actor singer and musical composer. I collected fine pictures, +cultivated music and took a part in any amateur quartett, and that not +badly either. Suddenly my father died and his property, his fortune, +his political obligations, and connections were left without a head. +Nobody had dreamt of so sudden an end. Now it was my turn, now I had to +advance to the front and to take an oar, and just at that time +strength, and power to act were taken from me. How this happened and +how much or how little the fault lies with me is not to the purpose. +Let us suppose that this misfortune was not caused by any fault of +mine, but that it came upon me as the stone falls from the roof. Do you +not allow that my feelings on looking at the past may well be different +from yours? and so are the feelings with which I view the future." I +was on the point of answering, _what_, I hardly know, probably it was +to ask his pardon for my hasty condemnation, when I was prevented by an +old woman who offered roses for sale. He took a bunch and gave her a +florin in silver which she held in her hand, and looked at with +astonishment, as here one only meets with dirty torn paper money. He +made a sign to her, that it was all right and laid the bouquet on the +bench between us. A gentleman then approached, and spoke to him. He +rose without taking leave, but did not return to me. Soon after I +walked away leaving the bouquet on the bench. Now I regret it. What +crime have these poor roses committed that I should grudge them even a +short reprieve in a glass of water. + + + Evening. + +I went out again, and as I must confess, only to fetch the roses. It +seemed to me like a wrong towards living beings, to leave them to +wither on the bench. I found them untouched, and now they stand fresh +and flagrant outside my window. I had to place them there, for the +nights are now so cool, that I dare not leave the window open. I will +now read to quiet my agitated thoughts. The roses have brought back to +my mind the epitaph on the tombstone: + + So the early fading of the rose + Is to be envied: it is repose? + +This sign of interrogation has slipped from my pen and I cannot make up +my mind to strike it out. Truly, it is a question, whether a poor human +creature has a right to envy his fellow men for anything, even for +death. + + + The 29th + +To-day is my birthday; I formerly never took any notice of it, and did +not expect others to do so. This one however as it is my last one on +earth, I resolved to honour and solemnize as much as I could. Quite +early in the morning I summoned the little girls of my landlord and +gave each of them a dress I had made for them, a cake and a kiss. Then +I walked out though the day was chilly and without sunshine. + +On the stairs I met Mr. Morrik's servant, who came to ask if I were +unwell, as I had not appeared on the Wassermauer for several days. I +felt pleased that some one inquired for me. After the recent +conversation in the wintergarden I appeared to myself so unamiable, +that I did not think it possible that any one should care whether I +lived or died. + +I walked up and down for some time underneath the arcades, for the rain +swept through the narrow streets, and it was disagreeable to be out +there, as a piercing wind which they call here the Jaufenwind had +arisen, and though the Kuechelberg kept it off in some degree still it +now and then blew in gusts round the corner. I felt so dull and +unemployed, so dreary, that by way of pastime, I bought some figs and +peaches and ate them. I soon felt, that in this cold weather, I had not +done wisely, but made bad worse by sitting down beside a woman who was +roasting chesnuts, and eating some of these to warm me, and thereby +only succeeded in nearly making myself ill. + +So this is my holiday! It serves me quite right; How can an unemployed +person think of holiday making. "Sour workdays, sweet holidays," that +is a different thing. More and more clearly I see that he was right, +and that I was not only wrong, but have wronged him. It is only the +heartless and selfish who would not feel regret at being called away +from this life without having done any good in it. He was very kind and +forbearing in trying to find a difference between his position and +mine. Have we not all of us duties? Did not my mother fulfil hers till +her last breath? And here am I happy in my unprofitable solitude, and +joyful as a child who has shirked school. + +Here are letters from my father, and little Ernest. Birthday +congratulations. I will read them out of doors. The Jaufenwind has +cleared the sky, and the sun shines so warmly that I can no longer +stand the heat of the stove, and have to open both windows. + + + In the Afternoon. + +This day has after all been celebrated; by a reconciliation which +consisted in a second dispute. As the unexpected sunshine brought every +living creature out into the wintergrounds, I walked on from the +Wassermauer towards the west, till I reached the spot where the Passer +flows into the Adige. There I saw at a distance Mr. Morrik sitting on +the trunk of a tree in the sunshine, with his servant at his side. He +observed me also, and rose to meet me. I was much embarrassed, for it +seemed as if I had come in search of him; however it was too late to +turn back; and why should I have done so? Was it not true that I was +pleased to see him, and wished to speak to him. I owed him the +satisfaction of telling him that he had converted me, and that all my +death defying wisdom appeared to me now like the delirium of fever. I +could hardly wait till an opportunity presented itself of confessing +this to him, and so I almost started when he anticipated me by calling +out: "How happy I am to see you! You will wonder at the miracle you +have performed on me. During your heartfelt speech I felt what a deep +impression it made on me; but like the rest of the world though I saw I +was wrong I did not like to acknowledge it, and so I supported my cause +as well as I could. We have not met since then, and in the meanwhile I +had time to recall it to my thoughts, and after a few hours +consideration, I felt I was completely changed and could have sworn +never to desert the colours you carried so valiantly before me." + +"What will you say," I replied despondingly, "when you hear that I +myself have turned traitor?" "Impossible," he exclaimed, laughing--and +it was the first time I had seen him, not only smile, but laugh +heartily--"and so even you are affected by human weaknesses; but beware +of me, for I will bring back the deserter, willing or unwilling; not to +pass sentence on him, but to entrust to him again the standard under +which I will conquer or die." + +There now arose an absurd contest between us, each defending the very +point he had vehemently disputed a few days ago, and trying to +depreciate his former opinion as much as possible. "You must confess," +he at last exclaimed, "that in whichever way the wisdom of a Daniel +might theoretically settle our dispute, my opinion, I mean your former +one, is by far the most advantageous. Since my conversion to it, I feel +reconciled to Providence, to the world, and even to myself, as--yes, as +you were before you were led astray by me. Now, although my position, +my sufferings and the few pleasures left to me are the same, they +appear to me tinged with fresh and glowing hues, instead of the dull +grey which shrouded them before. I look on the past as I did then; but +can I win back what I have lost by losing also that which remains to +me? You were so right in saying: in every minute, we can live a whole +life. How many minutes, nay days, weeks, perhaps months still lie +before me, and shall I not employ them? That which I had intended to do +is not of such great importance after all. Humanity will not be much +affected by its failure; but even had it been of the utmost importance, +nothing can now be altered. I cannot go back. I can only advance and +should there be some task for me to perform in the next world, I shall +be better prepared for it by courage and confidence than by the useless +despair of which I now feel heartily ashamed, before you, and should be +still more so if you had not left your position, high above the rest of +mankind, and had shown no human weakness." + +I can only write down dryly all that I remember of what he said; but +when he himself utters his thoughts there is so much cleverness, +originality and wit in them that they refresh the mind, like the +inhaling of vivifying salt, and never leave a bitter taste behind. + +It was a delightful hour. Had we been two men, or two women, we would +have shaken hands at parting and have fraternized on the spot. We have +now agreed to meet daily on the Wassermauer; we still think differently +on several points and have not much time to decide them. + +The letters from home have also pleased me. Ernest is quite impatient +at not seeing me for so long. The poor little fellow does not know how +long it will be before we meet. Meanwhile it has grown dark. I will +have some music and so close the day harmoniously. + + + The 3rd November. + +Pleasant days are rare guests in this world. Since I last wrote we have +only met twice. The day before yesterday the weather was damp and +foggy. I walked in the wintergarden, but he was nowhere to be seen. I +only perceived the malicious inquisitive face of the young lady who +always takes a seat close to Mr. Morrik and me, hoping to hear some of +our conversation. The life preserver also arrived, and looked at me +severely from head to foot, as I passed before and I heard her say to a +lady who sat beside her, intending it for me: "That poor young man; how +he has to suffer for talking so much." I shuddered and was very nearly +going up to the uncharitable sister, in spite of what had passed +between us, to ask her for news of him. Fortunately he sent his servant +in the afternoon, to tell me that he was confined to his room by the +cold weather--it had snowed during the night--and that I ought to take +great care of myself as the transition from autumn to winter was very +dangerous. In spite of this I went out both yesterday and to-day with +the hope of seeing him, but in vain. When two people are isolated among +the rest, how soon they grow accustomed to each other's society! He has +no acquaintances here except the doctor, whom he greatly likes. I +sometimes feel inclined to consult this doctor--not to hear anything +about myself, I know enough of that; but to hear if he really is doomed +or only fancies himself so. + + + The 5th--Evening. + +The wind has changed and now a sirocco is blowing. The whole country of +the Adige is covered with fog, a warm soft rain drizzles against the +window panes. The poplars have lost so much of their foliage that I can +easily trace the outline of the beautiful peak of the Mendola. The +vineyards are autumnally bare, the cattle are now sheltered in the +stables, everything is prepared for winter, and I am heartily glad of a +warm nook. My father writes of much snow and cold, whilst here the +southern wind still brings an Italian warmth with it, and in the little +garden below my windows, the roses bloom as gaily as if they were quite +certain that the snow would never descend from the top of the Muth to +the village of Tirol--still less reside on the Wassermauer. + + + The 6th--Morning. + +The roses really seem to be right. The most beautiful sunshine awoke +me; the stove shall enjoy a holiday. The green meadows in the lower +part of the country are as bright as in May. Half an hour ago I +received a note from Morrik saying that he wished to take advantage of +the fine day, and enjoy a ride over the nearest hills as walking was +forbidden him and he asked me if I would accept his company, and join +him. In that case he would fetch me at ten o'clock with the mules. I +wrote to him without much deliberation that I would be very happy to do +so. Now when I think of it.... + + + In the Evening. + +Fortunately I had no time to think over it, or I should probably have +thought many foolish and superfluous things. My landlady came to +announce that the gentleman was waiting for me below, and at the same +moment his servant entered to carry down my plaid and bag, so I had to +hurry away. He had dismounted when I came down, and the pleasure of +seeing him again, after so long a time, looking tolerably well and +cheerful, the mild clear day, the view, and the prospect of a pleasant +ride helped me to overcome my childish embarrassment. Society had at +last got accustomed to see us talk together whilst walking, why should +we not also do so on mules. So we rode gaily through the Laubengasse, +and over the bridge, where to be sure the whole company of strangers +rushed to the railings of the wintergarden, and followed us with their +kind looks and remarks. On the other side of the bridge, the road turns +to the left and ascends the hilly streets of the cheerful village of +Obermais. We soon found ourselves among the leafless vineyards, and in +trotting past the houses, saw the grapes pressed in large tubs, and +barrels filled with their juice, and under the bare trellises, +preparations for next year's harvest. One can hardly imagine anything +more picturesque looking than one of those tall fine looking young +peasants ploughing underneath these bowers with their strong grey oxen, +or as in that beautiful picture of Robert's, resting his cattle while +he leans on the pole between them. The whole surrounded by a frame of +trellis work, which here supports the vine in the form of a vaulted +arcade. They all left their work when we passed--I rode in front on a +very quiet animal, led by the guide; Morrik just behind me, so that we +could exchange the expressions of our delight at all these beauties of +nature, and his servant brought up the rear. + +When we had mounted somewhat higher, I involuntarily stopped; the view +was so wonderfully beautiful. The entire valley of the Adige lay far +beneath us, the river glittered between meadows and sands, and the more +distant mountains encircled the whole with their clear and beautiful +outline. But how can words describe a scene which the brush of the most +able painter could not do justice to. Neither of us spoke, we remained +in silent awe, and could only marvel. Had not the mules become +impatient, who can say whether we should not be on the same spot still. +My docile bay who was more sagacious than he looked, pondered, and +shook his head with the conspicuous ears, over the folly of mankind in +stopping where no fodder was to be seen: so he moved on slowly to +supply our want of judgement, and the others followed. We left to our +right a beautiful castle belonging to Count Trautmannsdorf, and the +little church of St. Valentine, which stands quite isolated in a +sheltered valley. Our way then again turned to the north over a hill +which rises at the foot of the Ifinger, whose snowy summit towered in +the clear autumnal sky. The whole ridge of the hill is covered with +solitary farms, intermingled with old castles that are now chiefly +inhabited by rich wine growing peasants who, during the summer months, +lodge invalid strangers. I have forgotten the names of most of them, +only one of them I remember, the castle of Rubein. There in front of +the old battlements stand tall slender cypresses, like guardians round +an old sarcophagus and contrast by their sombre hue with the green and +yellow foliage of the vine. We took a hasty survey of the courtyard. +The small open gallery supported by pillars, the steep stairs, +which lead up to it, and in the comer the old, and now nearly bare +walnut-tree round which myriads of birds were fluttering and singing, +so that it seemed as if they had enjoyed too much of their grape harvest +and were now intoxicated and overmerry. I could fill pages with a +description of the beauties of these heights. Further on, towards the +valley of Passeir, the road gently ascends underneath noble chesnut and +walnut-trees, and the view opens out to the Kuechelberg, and my dear old +Zenoburg, till it rests on the high projecting village of Schoenna with +its old castle. + +When we arrived it was just noon. We were both tired by our long ride, +hungry and silent. The sights in which we had revelled still occupied +our thoughts, and here again our eyes hardly sufficed to enjoy the view +which extended far and near from every window. I entered the tap-room, +whilst Morrik talked to the landlord outside, and sat quietly in the +dusk for a while with closed eyes endeavouring to recover my calmness. + +The room had a projecting bay window which formed a sort of recess, +where sat, as a hasty glance when I entered had shown me, a young +peasant, and a girl with their dinner and wine before them. They seemed +to notice me as little as I did them. Morrik then came in, and sat down +at a table beside me. He appeared more cheerful than usual, but also +looked paler, as if the air had fatigued him. We talked about +indifferent subjects. Suddenly the young peasant rose from his seat in +the window, and with a full glass of wine in his hand, approached our +table. "With your permission," he said, "the gentleman won't object to +my drinking the health of this lady, as we are old acquaintances." Then +he took a sip, looked at me over the edge of his glass, and gave it to +me to drink from. I took the glass, but looked at him rather puzzled. +He seemed quite unknown to me, and appeared to be flushed with wine, +and in a waggish humour, so that I was really frightened. + +"Well, well," he said, as I was silent, and Morrik gave him no +encouragement; the hat of a Saltner, and a beard of three months' +standing certainly give a fellow somewhat more of a diabolical look +than his holiday clothes. But if I did not seem appalling to her then, +there is still less danger of it now, particularly as her brother, or +her sweetheart.... + +"Natz," the girl interrupted, "what nonsense you are talking. The young +lady does not look as if she felt a great horror of you, but to drink +wine is forbidden to those who are ill; is it not so your honour? +Ignatzius has a notion that no one can live without wine. Oh what a +wild fellow he is! I have been begging and entreating him for a whole +hour to come away. We are going down to Meran for our pledge, you +understand, our betrothal; but there he will sit, sit till night comes +on, and when the wine is well up, forsooth, a pretty figure we shall +make before the deacon. Do persuade him to come away my lady----" + +"Heigh-ho what's this!" exclaimed the young fellow, whom I at last +recognized as my friend of the Zenoburg, "don't you see Liesi that this +gentleman and lady are in no hurry either? What do you say to that, +sir? she already takes the reins; the women are always in a hurry to +get the men into their power. A smart fellow often pauses on this road +and drinks his last bachelor's bottle with all the more relish. In +other respects," he continued, casting a proud and merry glance +at her, "I cannot complain; she is a tightly built lass, and has her +senses about her; and certainly she has not been picked up on the +highways--Only this setting down, and domineering, that is an +affliction to be sure; but even the strongest and most determined +fellow must submit to it--How have you fared?" turning to Morrik, the +lady here is very nice, and I would not mind changing with you, but +then there would be an end of playing the master of the house, "well +every one has some burden to carry." + +"Ignatz," I said, for Morrik still continued silent, and I feared he +would set the young fellow down, whose tongue the wine had loosened, +somewhat ungently, "this gentleman is neither my sweetheart nor my +brother. We are both of us strangers here; who only had agreed to make +this excursion together. You talk about commanding but that demands +strength. A poor woman who will be buried before the spring arrives, +neither has spirit nor inclination for it. And now go with your Liesi +to Meran to the priest, and don't let it be said of you that you did +not know what you were doing when you gave her your promise." + +The girl who was fresh and blooming, and had a frank and intelligent +countenance, now also rose and took the young man by the arm. + +"Thank you, young lady," she said, "for helping me to get off with this +fellow. Say God speed, to the gentleman and lady, Natzi, and then come +along; and I hope ma'am that you will change your mind about dying. I +was a servant girl in one of the lodging-houses down at Meran during +two winters, and know many a one who quite recovered after having +ordered his coffin, and many a one who thought he was breathing his +last breath, afterwards climbed to the top of the Muth. The air of +Meran is so fine that I should not wonder if it woke up the dead. But +now goodbye your honours, or this one here, will go to sleep on the +spot where he is standing." + +There really seemed some danger of this for he stood leaning against +the table, and vacantly stared at the floor. He nodded dreamily towards +us, and willingly let himself be led out. + +I cannot deny that the whole scene had made a painful impression on me. +It did not exactly show the young fellow to disadvantage, but his talk +of which I have given the main part without his strong expressions had +vexed me. Morrik did not seem much edified either by this encounter. +The landlady who brought in our dinner, also asked importunate +questions, and so did not improve our humour. Moreover the air was +heavy in the low room and the smoke from the kitchen penetrated into +it. The cooking too was bad, so we were glad to have done with it and +to breathe again the fresh air. We walked slowly along the narrow paths +among the picturesque farms, talking little. My cheerfulness however +soon returned. "Are you not well?" I asked, as he pensively walked +beside me. "I cannot complain," he said, "I should feel neither care +nor grief if thoughts did not oppress me." + +"Perhaps it would relieve you, if you could express your thoughts." + +"Perhaps it would make it worse. My thoughts would hardly please you." + +"Your confidence at least would please me." + +"Even if I should confide to you, that after all, I fear you have too +much confidence in me?" I looked at him enquiringly. + +"Look here," he continued, "the little you know of me, is perhaps the +best part of me; thence I am persuaded that you think much too highly +of me, and would be disappointed if you heard the judgement which other +people, who to be sure know me still less than you do, have passed upon +me." + +"Is it not the same with every one of us," I replied, "either we are +judged too highly or undervalued by our fellow creatures. Even our +nearest friends do not always see us in our true light. But shall I for +that lose my faith in the durability of our friendly intercourse, the +term of which is so very short." + +He smiled sadly. "I have a sure presentiment that you will outlive me; +perhaps for many years. Since I have known you, your health has visibly +improved, and who can tell whether the sentence pronounced on you by +your doctor may not one day be laid aside with the rest of the sayings +which false prophets have recklessly uttered. You shake your head. Well +we will leave the future to decide this question. I carry the sure +tokens of death too plainly within me to mistake them. So it causes me +much deliberation whether I am not wronging you, in enjoying your +society, your conversation, may I say your friendship? without heeding +the injury your kindness may do you. You are so far above many things, +which, in spite of their meanness, are all powerful in this world; how +strong and cruel that power is, I myself have painfully experienced. +Lest you should feel hurt at a man's reminding you of the prejudices +and opinions which usually have more influence with women, and which +hitherto, in our friendly intercourse, we have despised, you must know +that I should not be here, not be ill, not be dying if I had been more +careful of the judgement of others and of the light, or rather shade +which I throw on all with whom I associate." + +We had seated ourselves on a stone, close by the roadside, and covered +with moss and ivy from whence we could see the beautiful mountain peaks +and the sloping heights of the Passer through the branches of the +chesnut-trees. + +Children on their way to school surrounded us at some distance, +peasants passed, and cows were led to the fountain. He did not heed +them, but continued in a low voice: "Perhaps you do not know, dear +Marie, how much an independent position influences our nature for good +or for evil. It is now useless to moralize on the subject, but one +thing to be observed, is, that a man who is not restrained by any tie +is very apt to despise those who are bound by considerations, or +prejudices. I have already told you that I was better than my +reputation. As I could easily dispense with the assistance, protection, +and good-will of my fellow-creatures, I thought I could also dispense +with their good opinion, and only laughed when the _homemade_ people, +as I used to call them, painted my character in darker colours than it +really deserved. They envy me my freedom, I often said. As I am not +dependent on them for anything, they want me at least to bow down +before their moral tribunal. What would freedom be worth if it did not +teach us to depend on ourselves and the voice of our conscience alone? +So I went my way, and let them talk. Every path in life leads past +human habitations, and whoever seeks admission into these must steady +his steps that he may not be suspected of being a vagabond or a +drunkard, and no peaceful citizen will let such a one cross his +threshold. I will not give you a long history--to be brief; I made the +acquaintance of a most amiable girl--perhaps, it was for the first +time, that I felt warm friendship, and inspired it. The young lady had +been engaged for several months to an officer whom I had formerly met +in rather light society. At that time he was absent on duty. I am +convinced that I would never have entered the house again, had I felt +anything like love for his betrothed. But as matters stood, I gave +myself up to the charm of this harmless and cordial intercourse, the +more so, that her brother saw no objection to it. The family was +wealthy and much esteemed. Small parties were given in the house, where +dancing, comedies and tableaux-vivants went on, so that many young men +were always assembled there even during the absence of the betrothed, +and his future bride gaily joined in every amusement. Suddenly I +remarked that her brother treated me with coldness and reserve; I was +on the point of asking him the reason of this, when he anticipated me +by writing a polite letter in which he expressed his positive desire +that I should never again enter his parents' house. Of course, we had +an explanation in which I was informed that the officer to whom his +sister was engaged had charged her to break off all intercourse with +me, as I was a man of no principle. Several other circumstances added +to the irritation caused by this unfortunate affair, and though I did +my best to spare my fair friend every sorrow, yet the affair took a +serious turn. The conversation ended in a duel. I shot into a tree, but +the brother whose blood was hotter than mine, grazed my side with his +bullet. It was not much to speak of, but the agitation which I with +difficulty repressed, the cold of the winter morning in which I drove +for several hours in my carriage back to town, and the pain and rage I +felt at seeing this pure and charming tie so foolishly rent asunder, +all this laid me prostrate. I only rose from an inflammatory fever to +be sent here as incurable. And now, dear Marie, you will understand why +I can no longer make light of your innocently walking by the side of a +man supposed to be without principles. I who, at least, have always +adhered firmly to one thing, and that is not to seek my own happiness +at the cost of another's." + +I had long made up my mind how I should answer him. "If you have +confided all this to me, with the hope of changing my opinion," I said, +"you little know me. It can only confirm me in the belief that I do +well in availing myself of the right of speaking the truth to you. A +right which is only granted to the dying. + +"All the good I have enjoyed in this life I have had to struggle for. I +so truly prize our mutual friendship that I will not renounce it so +easily. What would friendship be worth, if one had not the courage to +acknowledge, and defend it when attacked. How mean and false, should I +not appear in my own eyes, and in yours, if I changed in my conduct +towards you because bad or silly people accuse you of things which I +know to be untrue. I too depend on no one, in consideration of whom, I +being a girl should subject my feelings against my convictions. + +"If my father should ever hear that in my last days I had formed a firm +friendship with a stranger, he will only think highly of the stranger +in whom his daughter confided. + +"So no more of these reflections which ought never to have troubled +you, and we will remain what we were before, good comrades. Is it not +so, my friend?" + +"Till death," he said, and pressed my hand, greatly agitated. I soon +succeeded in cheering him again, and this happy day would have closed +harmoniously, but for an event which to be sure troubled only me. We +rode home early, as the sun so soon sets behind the mountains. Morrik +was very merry, and talked to his mule, jestingly giving it credit for +a sense of the beautiful; he stopped at the farms, and spoke to the +children and their mothers, and as we rode past a white bearded old man +whom we met panting up the hill, he stuck a paper florin in the old +peasant's hat, and was delighted with the thought of what he would say +when a passing acquaintance told him of the strange ornament. So we +reached the bridge by a shorter road, there I saw on a bench a young +Pole whom I had several times noticed, and not in the favourable sense +of the word. I had now and then met him alone, and then he had stared +at me with such a fierce look in his dark eyes that I always hurried +past him. He is evidently one of the most suffering of the strangers +here, and his passionate temper seems constantly to be in revolt +against his fate, and this inward conflict distorts his otherwise +handsome and attractive features. His strange costume, all black, with +high boots, and a fur-cap with white feathers in it, gives him a +striking appearance, which sometimes has haunted me in troubled dreams, +always menacing me with terrible looks. To-day he sat quite quietly, +and did not appear to see me. Morrik was in front as the bridge is so +narrow that two riders cannot cross it side by side, and I had to pass +close to the bench on which he was reclining apparently asleep. +Suddenly he jumped up seized the bridle of my mule, and looked at me +fixedly with piercing eyes; he wanted to speak, but only burst out in a +frantic laugh, so that my mule shied and gave such a start that it +nearly sent me flying over the parapet of the bridge. Before I had +recovered from my astonishment, he had disappeared round a turning of +the road. The guide in a fury sent a curse after him, and I had hardly +time to enforce silence on him, before we reached Morrik, to whom I +would on no account mention this singular adventure until I ascertain +whether there is any mystery concealed under it. I have written too +much, and my pulse is beating feverishly. This night I shall have to +pay for the pleasures of the day. Good night. + + + The 8th November--rain and sirocco. + +This the second day we have had of this unwholesome air in which no +patient dares to go out. It is a pity. I had anticipated the pleasure +of discussing different subjects with my newly acquired friend, which I +had refrained from doing before we had so cordially shaken hands as +comrades. Now, I must wait patiently. Strange that the solitude which +formerly seemed to me as life itself becomes only the resort of +necessity now that I have associated with a genial and intellectual +mind. I must content myself with my books and music. Every morning he +sends his servant to enquire how I feel. The ride seems to have done +him good, I still feel it in my limbs. I will write home and tell my +father of my new friend; I know it will please him. + + + The 11th November. + +Now, at last, the southern winter has commenced its mild reign, and +people say that this will continue. Yesterday I again remained out of +doors from two o'clock till sunset with Morrik on the Wassermauer, not +always conversing, as he in compliance with my request brought a book +with him. The poems of Edgar Allen Poe, he showed them to me with a +smile, saying that these were the true expositors of his own feelings +before his regeneration, as he called it. I have taken the book away +with me and have lent him instead "The wisdom of the Brahmins" by my +dear Rueckert, of which, however, one can only take in finger-tips at a +time, but every pinch of this snuff, to continue the clumsy simile, +freshens the mind and dispels congestions. + +"You really have given me a spiritual medicine," Morrik jestingly said, +"I must beg of you to go on prescribing for me, for that desperate +American had quite unsettled me." + +He told me that people had talked a great deal about our excursion to +Schoenna, and looked at me to see if that annoyed me. "Do not let us +please them by noticing it," I answered, "just as we enjoyed the +sunshine without allowing the gnats and flies that buzzed about us, to +spoil our pleasure." We have tacitly agreed never to talk about our +illness, as most people here do, and either make themselves unhappy by +it or find consolation in it, according to the warmth or coldness of +their hearts. But I often perceive that he fancies erroneously that my +health is improving, instead of which I distinctly feel the contrary. +The momentary relief which I experience is just what characterises the +approaching end in this disease. I fancy that I breathe more easily and +move with less effort. I also eat more and sleep well, probably owing +to exhaustion, which increases, though I have the illusive feeling +of more vigour and ease. As I walked home to-day--I dine at three +o'clock--I really felt hungry, but I know how it is with me. + +To-day there is at Meran besides the usual market one of those large +meat ones that take place in the autumn when the Lauben are transformed +into long rows of butcher's stalls, and butchering goes on in all the +court-yards. On every peg, there hangs the half of a pig or a calf +which is sold to the peasants, who come in great multitudes from the +Vintschgau, Passeier, and Ultner valleys, and from the different farms +in the neighbourhood. Other booths are filled with various merchandize: +ironware, clothes images of saints and numberless trifles. Between +these boothes the people push, press, and jostle, so that if one is not +in danger of one's life, one is at all events nearly suffocated as the +smell of the meat mingles with the fumes of bad tobacco. I have even +seen boys of ten years old walk about with short pipes in their mouths, +and the smoke hangs over the market-place like a heavy fog; the lungs +that can stand it must really be strong as healthy. I nearly fainted. +Those great strong fellows would not stir a step out of my way. +Fortunately my friend of the Kuechelberg and his Liese came to my +rescue, just when I most needed it. By plenty of vigorous elbowing he +at last got me safely through those human walls. He was again somewhat +flushed with wine, but he nevertheless appeared to me like a guardian +angel and I easily forgave him the question he jokingly asked me about +my brother or sweetheart. I could not make him understand that the +gentleman was neither the one or the other, though very dear to me. + +My landlady has just brought me in my afternoon meal. My hunger has +grown so morbid that I cannot wait till supper time. Probably these are +the last figs of this year. Thank heaven that ham and bread are not +restricted to any particular season. What if I played our old doctor +the trick of dying before the spring, and that of starvation! + + + The 19th November. + +I can hardly hold my pen, I tremble so with the agitation of this last +hour. How rashly I hoped that the weeks would glide on peaceful, and +full of sunshine like the last one; one day resembling the other. In +the forenoon, those happy hours on the Wassermauer with Morrik; the +remainder of the day, my books, and letters, or my work and my piano, +which I fancy sounds more and more melodious every time I play on it. +And now this occurrence! Moreover I cannot speak of it to any one, and +above all before my friend, before Morrik, I must appear as if nothing +had happened. Is it not all some fearful dream! Has that poor man, I +may say that madman, though he vehemently protested against the +suspicion, really spoken words to me that I could not understand, +accompanied by looks that I shudder to think of, for they seem to me to +have been more expressive than his words. I ought to have listened to +the secret misgivings which warned me against the solitary road on the +Kuechelberg, since that scene on the bridge. But I knew that Morrik was +not on the Wassermauer, and did not like to be there without him, +particularly as the band was to play on that day. + +I had walked on so totally absorbed in my own thoughts that I had +passed through the gate towards Vintschgau before I knew what I was +doing: it is still as warm there as summer is at home, and one may +saunter on through the leafless vineyards and find every now and then a +bench inviting to rest. Where my thoughts were I know not, when +suddenly he seemed to emerge from the ground, and stood by my side +holding my hand. My fright was so great that I could not utter a sound +but I fixed my eyes firmly on his face and saw that he opened his lips +with an effort. He began first in broken German, and then fluently and +vehemently in French, to excuse himself for the scene on the bridge. He +had been blinded by pain and jealousy, and would willingly cut off the +hand that had seized the bridle of my mule, if by so doing he could +obtain my forgiveness. While he spoke I vainly tried to free my hand +from his grasp. I looked around but no one was to be seen, the road was +deserted. This roused my pride, and my courage; I drew back my hand, +and could at last ask him what authorized him to speak in that way to a +stranger. He was silent for some time, and a violent conflict seemed to +rage within him. Every nerve of his face twitched convulsively. What he +at last said I _will_ forget, I listened to it as if it were not +addressed to me. _Could_ it be addressed to _me_, whom he did not know, +with whom he had never exchanged a word? Is a passion that is roused by +a figure gliding past like a shadow, by one who is inwardly dead, and +only outwardly has a semblance of life; is not that passion but a freak +of madness; and is a madman responsible for the words he utters? Only +when he threatened Morrik, I began to think such an insanity dangerous, +and not merely to be pitied. I do not know what I said to him, but I +saw that it made a deep impression on him. Suddenly he took off his +high black cap with the feathers in it, and stood humbly before me; +"Vous avez raison, Madame," he said in a deep thrilling voice which +before had had a harsh hoarse tone in it. "Pardonnez-moi, j'ai perdu la +tete." Then he bowed and walked across the fields towards the level +part of the country, where I could for some time distinguish his dark +figure moving among the willows. + +After having written all this, it seems to me that I look upon what has +passed with more calmness; and compassion gets the better of my +indignation. I looked at myself in the glass and could still less +understand it. It will also always remain a mystery to me how such a +scene could take place between two natures one of whom did not feel the +slightest inclination for the other, who on his part made impetuous +attempts to draw near. I know that not only affinities draw characters +towards each other but also contraries; but can indifference also have +that power? The longer I think of it the more clearly I perceive that +his mind must be deranged. I will, after all, mention it to Morrik, for +who can say to what I may not expose myself if I should a second time +encounter this madman, defenceless, and fright should paralyze the +self-possession which I need to subdue him. + + + Several days later. + +The pain of mentioning this dreadful encounter to my friend has been +spared me. It would certainly have agitated him, the more so, that he +has been much less cheerful lately, and often walks quite absently +beside me. + +The poor young man whom I dreaded will never again cross my path. His +clouded mind is now brightened by the light of heaven. This morning +when my landlady came to me, she told me that a young Pole had died in +the night. The description she gave me of his person is exactly that of +the poor madman. A hemorrage had carried him off in the night and he +was found dead in the morning. I now reproach myself with having spoken +too harshly to him, but I had no other weapon than my words. If they +were too sharp and wounded him more deeply than the offence demanded, +the alarm of that moment may excuse me, and the fact that I did not +immediately perceive the state of his mind. + + + Evening. + +Tired, agitated, and in conflict with myself. + +To-day when I met Morrik, I welcomed my dear friend with particular +pleasure, after these last painful days. He told me without laying much +stress on it--for here one is accustomed to the disappearance of some +known face--of the sudden death, and asked me if I remembered the +handsome young man. I said: no, and then felt heavy at heart as though +I had committed some crime. In vain I tried to persuade myself that by +this untruth, I had cut short any further conversation on the subject, +and perhaps the necessity of telling other falsehoods, I cannot get rid +of the painful feeling that I have wronged my friend who has so much +right to hear the truth. I shall again have a bad night, and shall not +be able to rest till I have confessed all to him, and begged his +pardon. + + + The next day--I believe it to be the 23rd, + cold and foggy.-- + +I am severely punished. The cold prevents his walking out. Now I must +wait patiently till to-morrow comes, or perhaps till the day after. It +has become quite a necessity with me, not to let the least breath of +untruth, or misunderstanding come between us. + +Edgar Allan Poe with his morbid discontents; his bitter and hopeless +sarcasms, is now congenial to me. There is a frame of mind when wisdom +is repugnant to us, as a bowl of sweet milk is to a man in a fever. +Only that.... + + + Two hours later. + +Are calm and peace really only words void of meaning in this troubled +world? Cannot even those retain them inwardly who had won them. I begin +to think that I should not be secure from the events, and storms, which +harass my last moments, even were I shut up in a walled in tower, where +the ravens brought me my food through the barred windows. If no other +catastrophe were possible, an earthquake would root up my place of +concealment, and break through the walls, and I should be again cast +out into the world among strangers, whose affection would distress me, +when I had ceased to care for their aversion. + +A visitor disturbed me this morning; the last person in Meran whom I +should have expected to see in my room! No less a personage than the +Burghermeister of the town. He came to spare me the disagreeable +surprise of a solemn summons, and disclosed to me that he had been +entrusted with a letter for me, and with the testament of the writer, +who names me his sole heiress. + +I looked helplessly at the Burghermeister. The thought of my father's +death did not occur to me. If this dreadful event were to happen; if I +should lose him before my hour had arrived, at least the pain of +inheriting from him would be spared me. But who in the whole world--? + +I glanced at the letter which the Burghermeister had with some +hesitation laid on the table, and saw a handwriting that was quite +unknown to me. "I don't know this handwriting," I said wonderingly, +though a sudden misgiving seized me, as I remarked that the direction +was in French. My evident astonishment seemed to relieve him. He +probably had supposed that a more intimate acquaintance had existed +between me, and the writer of the letter, and was prepared for a +painful scene. "Do you wish to read the letter now or later?" he asked. +I opened it at once, and read it with a beating heart but without any +outward show of emotion, at least I believe so. The letter was filled +with the rhapsodies which I had before spurned from me with horror. +They were hardly subdued by the approach of death, though the +unfortunate man must have felt it coming. I have not as yet deciphered +much of it. The indistinct French hand seems to have trembled at every +stroke with violent emotion. + +But not a word of the legacy; only wretchedness and accusations against +fate which had rent asunder the fetters of passion, instead of +loosening them; confused tumultuous words, and ideas, written in order +to lighten the burden of one heart, and to weigh down the other with +it. + +When I had laid down the letter, the kindly old gentleman turned to me, +and seemed to ask for an explanation which I could not give. When I had +told him that I was just as much astonished as he was, he departed, +leaving me a copy of the will for further consideration, but he +seriously advised me not to refuse so considerable a property in the +first moment of excitement, though I was of age, and need not consult +the wishes of my father. He would call again in a few days. + +I will take a walk, I feel as if I could no longer remain in the room +with those papers; as if they impregnated the air with the fever heat +from whence they proceeded. I did not even require to read them a +second time to come to a decision; I--, or the poor of Meran--can there +be a doubt which of us will outlive the other, and will need the +fortune most. + + + In the Afternoon. + +Truly this is a disastrous day. I wish it were past. Who can tell what +the evening may bring! + +I went out with the foolish hope of meeting Morrik, instead of whom, I +encountered all the strange though well known faces in the winter +garden. I can generally now pass them with indifference, but they were +this day again to wound me deeply. + +I perceived that they laid their heads together and whispered as I went +by. On one of the benches sat the young _chronique scandaleuse_ whom I +have long ceased to bow to, as she tosses her head whenever I come near +her. The place beside her was the only unoccupied one, but hardly had I +sat down, when up she started and moved towards another bench, begging +two ladies to make room for her. The blood rushed to my face but I was +not conquered. At last the life preserver, who had not deigned to +address a word to me for weeks past, rustled into the arbour. This time +her heart was too full; she came up to me and said, so loudly that +every one could hear her, "Well my dear, I suppose we are to +congratulate you. The young Pole has bequeathed to you, his large +fortune. Poor young man! To be sure you always kept him at a great +distance. It is no wonder that he soon died. It is really quite +touching that even after his death he offered his broken heart to you." + +"You are mistaken," I said. "I have not accepted the legacy which was +only left to me by the error of an unsound mind. But even if it had +been clearly the intention of the deceased to appoint me his heiress, I +would not have accepted it. I am not moved, either by the kindness, or +the malevolence of strangers, but generally turn my back on both." Then +I quietly read on. There was a great silence in the arbour, and I could +hear the quicker breathing of the fat old lady without nerves, as well +as that of the little lady who hates me. I did not take any further +notice of what they whispered and tittered around me, only I several +times distinguished the name of Morrik, purposely pronounced very +distinctly. Even that cannot hurt me. But as I walked home, shivering +in the damp foggy air, and feeling inwardly as sunless and gloomy as +the sky was outwardly. I should have liked a good hearty cry. I feel so +weary, that not even tears will flow. Life, happiness, sorrow, +everything, seems stagnant within me. + + + The 25th November. + +And now this! this verily is the last drop in the cup of bitterness. +This blow strikes at the very roots, and no storm is needed to level to +the ground the falling tree a child could overturn it. And that this +blow should come from the hand, from which I least expected it. That +just where I had hoped to ease my heart, I have brought it back more +heavy still. To-day I at last found him on the Wassermauer. The sun +shone brightly; I felt revived and hoped to gain peace and relief from +the conversation I had so long wished for. I thought I could easily +explain to him this last occurrence, and I was not disappointed; he +smiled when I told him how sorry I was for my want of truth towards +him. He took my hand and before releasing it he pressed it to his lips. +I felt strangely moved. He had heard of the legacy of the young Pole +but had never doubted that I would refuse it. Everything now I thought +was smoothed and settled, and I cast a grateful look at the sun as if +his kindly beams had cleared it all. + +How came it that we again turned to that unlucky theme? Alas it was my +fault. I wished to convince him more fully still that my feelings for +the poor madman had always been cool, and indifferent; so I began again +by saying, how the bare thought of that meeting filled me with horror; +how inexcusable it was to let people who were so evidently deranged +walk about unwatched. He looked straight before him, and said: "You are +mistaken dear Marie, he was not more deranged than I am who sit beside +you, and I hope I do not inspire you with fear. He even has the +advantage over me, for he has eased his heart of the burden which still +oppresses mine." + +"I do not understand you," I replied, and I spoke the truth. + +"Then I will continue silent;" what good could speaking do me? + +After a pause: "But no, why should I remain silent you might then only +fancy something worse. Is it so contemptible, if a few steps from the +grave we once more look back on life, and there perceive a happiness +which would render it loveable and worth having if only it were not too +late, and if then one grows distracted with misery and longing, and +with rage against fate? If though dying one longs to press to one's +heart the dear one who is denied to us, and breathe our last breath on +her lips? That is what happened to the poor lad who now sleeps a +dreamless sleep--and so...." He paused and looked at me. There was not +a soul to be seen underneath the poplars and he again took my hand. +"You tremble! before me too," he said. "Forget my words." + +I could not speak. I felt that my last and best happiness was +destroyed; the harmless confidence, the warm cheerful intercourse to +which my heart clung. Again I was alone, I felt it must be so, if I +would not add remorse to my other sufferings. "I will go home," I said, +"I feel unwell; you must remain here, and enjoy the sunshine which +makes my head ache to-day. I will write a few hues to you in the +afternoon to tell you, if I feel better." Then I rose, gave him my hand +for the last time; entreated him by a look to say no more, and left +him. + +I will see if I can collect my thoughts sufficiently to write to him. + + + In the Evening. + +I lay the copy of my letter to him between these leaves, and feel +relieved now that it is over; physically relieved, but the weight on my +heart still oppresses me. This is the letter: + + + "Meran, the 25th November. + + "My dear friend! + +"Let me to-day, bid you farewell for the last time in this world, and +express my hope of a happy meeting in the next, towards which we are +tending. It will be easier for both of us to take leave of each other +now, while we are still under the impression of a pure and friendly +intercourse, than it would be later when we should have felt that we do +not agree in higher matters, and this I fear would sooner, or later +have been the case, for your last words still sadden and dishearten me, +as I never thought words spoken by my dear friend could have done. + +"How I wish we still lived in the past; then I was happy and hoped that +you were so. Why did you speak, why could we not calmly have awaited +our destiny, and stood firmly by each other as true comrades till the +end came. + +"I hope that this calm and premature farewell, though it may cause you +a momentary pain, will in time soften your thoughts, and give you back +the clear-sightedness with which we a short time ago looked on the +past, and hoped for the future. We cannot avoid meeting now and then; +let us pass one another with a silent bow, as if already we were +shadows moving in a higher sphere. + +"I need not tell you that I shall always retain the warmest friendship +for you, and I beg you to keep yours for me, though at one time it +seemed overshadowed by darker passions. + +"Farewell my dear friend; show me that these words, which come from the +heart, are understood, by not answering them." + + "Marie." + + + The last of November. + +I long for snow and ice for the cold winter air of my home. This sun +that shines day after day in the clear blue November sky makes my eyes +and my heart ache. This morning I woke with a pleasant surprise; it had +snowed in the night and the soft snow still lay unsullied, and pure on +the roofs and on the road. Now it has melted away, and only a few +traces of it are left. People again walk about in light cloaks, and +with dry feet under the leafless poplars. + +My father wrote yesterday that he fully approves of my decision +regarding the legacy. I immediately informed the Burghermeister of +this, and have already received a vote of thanks from the +administration of the poorhouse funds, which I would willingly have +dispensed with. I now write rarely in this journal. One day resembles +the other; they are like the leaves of a tree in the late autumn; all +of them are brown, only one falls to the earth sooner than another. + + + The 1st of December--at Night. + +A shooting festival has taken place and enlivened the quiet town of +Meran. Early in the morning I was awakened by the band of music which +accompanied the shooters from the Sandplatz in front of the Post to the +targets. Then the whole day long the report of the rifles was heard and +made me feel quite nervous, and later the shouts and jodles of the +peasants who arrived rather the worse for wine. In the evening +fireworks were displayed on the left bank of the Passer, and it was +very pretty to see the population of the town, and the strangers +walking up and down, and enjoying the mild air by the light of torches +which were placed along the Wassermauer. Then a strong sirocco arose, +and wildly swept the rockets across the water, made the torches +flicker, and drove the spectators into their houses by bringing on the +rain. I saw the spectacle from my window, and remained there till the +last spark had died out in the dark starless night. + +How long it is now since I have spoken to any one except to the people +of the house where I lodge. The wish that my lips might be closed for +ever grows stronger every day. Oh for an hour of the cheerful, +confidential talk I once enjoyed with Morrik, and then to go to sleep +and dream that same dream on to Eternity! But I must endure till my +time comes. + + + The 4th December. + +When my time has come, shall I find courage to resist my longing to see +him once more, and in spite of my resolve, bid adieu to life with my +eyes fixed on his. I think he too would wish it, whatever his present +thoughts may be regarding my sudden rupture with him. Sometimes the +idea torments me that he may have possibly misunderstood my letter and +think that I drew back because I feared gossip. I should like to tell +him once more that this is not the case; that I only did it for his +sake, for his peace of mind, and indeed for mine also. + +How is he now? Can he walk out? Who will help him to bear the long +solitude of the day. I am truly grateful to him for having granted my +wish in not having answered my letter. Still something seems missing in +my life, now that I no longer see him, and cannot judge for myself +whether he is cheerful or melancholy; how he bears his sufferings, what +he reads, what he thinks--his thoughts even, I could once read in his +face, his countenance is so clear and open. + +Yesterday I met his servant. The faithful creature bowed to me; I +should have liked to ask him how his master was; however it is better +not. + + + The 11th. + +Took a walk to the Zenoburg; that dear walk of former days, but not +with my former spirits. As I passed by the house where he lodges, he +was just coming out; he perceived me and stood still and motionless to +let me pass. I dared not look at him, but the first glance told me that +he had become pale and grave--nearly as much so as when I first saw +him. He did not bow, but remained in the shade of the doorway as if +fearing to frighten me; so I passed him with my eyes fixed on the +pavement. + +The hill seemed much steeper to me than when I walked up the first +time--probably I have grown weaker--and then I was happy. What is it +that hinders me from being so again, in spite of all my efforts and +self-command. Is it merely compassion for him, and the want of that +intercourse which had become a necessity to me. No, it is not that +alone; it is as if I had been infringing on some duty. But how could I +have acted differently? Can one trifle with the hopes and happiness of +this life, when death is so near. + + + The 16th December--Evening. + +A trying but pleasant day has passed. I have packed a small +Christmasbox which I intend to send home. When all the trifles I had +worked for my father, Ernest, and my step-mother were laid together; +the pretty wood carvings, the picture of Meran, and the figure of a +Saltner which I had dressed up for Ernest as like the real ones as +possible, I was as happy as a child with its own Christmas presents. +And then the packing of it all; as the box was not quite filled, I +crammed in all I could get hold of; some pomegranates, a box filled +with dried figs, another one with chesnuts, and one of those sweet +Christmas-cakes made of honey and raisins. The box will tell its own +tale of Meran. + +My landlord's apprentice carried the box to the post. Then for the +first time for several weeks, I walked on the Wassermauer. The +strangers sat on the benches as they had always done, only foot-rugs +had become more general. Morrik arrived soon after me. This time we +silently exchanged salutations as had been agreed between us. He looked +kindly and calmly at me probably to see whether I appeared well and +cheerful. I was much heated by my Christmas packing. When I got home I +looked at myself in the glass and perceived that it was only a +transient flush of agitation, perhaps of pleasure. Now that we have +again met so unconstrainedly I fancy that the future will seem easier +to me. I need only imagine that I never exchanged a word with him but +that I have simply read a story in which one of the characters had +attracted me--that I now meet a stranger whose face recalls my idea of +this character, and therefore that I take great interest in him. We did +not sit down beside each other. I walked several times up and down the +Wassermauer with a lady who was very kind to me, inquired why I had so +persistently remained at home, and then told me all about herself and +her children, from whom she had been separated for the sake of +tranquillity. Tears started to her eyes as she said. "To be separated +from those dear to us in order to enjoy quiet and peace of mind!" Oh +you good doctors I what bad physicians for the soul you are. + + + Christmas Eve. + +What am I to think of this! An hour ago a Christmas-tree beautifully +decorated with oranges, pomegranites, and sweet meats, and covered with +wax-lights was brought into the room by my landlady. The tree is so +high that I was obliged to place it on the floor and yet it nearly +reaches the ceiling. A strange maidservant brought it, my landlady +tells me, and would on no account say from whom it came. I have now lit +all the tapers and am writing by their light, after having given my +landlady's children some Christmas-presents, for the people here never +have Christmas-trees. + +Now that I am again alone, I ransack my brain to find out who could +have sent the tree. The kind lady who may also feel the want of +Christmas joys, and Christmas lights? But surely she would have written +a letter to say so, and then our acquaintance is so short. Many other +kind faces have passed by me in my daily walks, but to whom of these +would it have occurred to brighten my Christmas eve. I must confess +that in my first irritation, I wronged many of them, and might +certainly have found some pleasing acquaintances among them, if my +first longing for solitude had not expressed itself so repellantly. Now +no one would willingly speak to me. + +Can the tree have come from _him_? but that would be contrary to our +agreement. One who must and will keep silence cannot offer presents. It +is easier to give than to receive silently, and yet how is it possible +to express one's thanks after having already bid farewell. + +The more I think of it the more uneasy I become. It is not all as it +should be; something unnatural and indefinable seems to have come +between us; something pernicious that would revenge itself on us. + +Here come letters from my dear ones, from home! But I must first put +out the tapers and light my little lamp. Some of the twigs are already +crackling and glimmering. The last spark has died out on my last +Christmas-tree. The church bells are ringing while I am writing these +lines by the light of the moon which is now keeping me company, my lamp +having died out. + + + December the 28th. + +We have met again, our hands have touched, and our eyes have +encountered each other; but what a sorrowful meeting. The vengeance I +expected has come. + +The program of a concert was brought to my lodgings. A player on the +cither was going to perform in the Assembly rooms at the Post. I am no +longer displeased at being roused from my own thoughts; so I went, as I +very much like the cither, and have always wished to hear a virtuoso +perform on it. When I arrived the first piece had begun, and only three +seats in the front row were unoccupied; they seemed to have been kept +for some expected personage of distinction: I found myself compelled to +take one of these seats of honour, and did not do so, unwillingly for +the tone of the instrument was rather low, and there too, I could +observe the movement of the performer's hands. The air soon became +oppressive; the heat of the stove, the crowded room and its low ceiling +all combined to make it so. I was much flurried at first, but I soon +grew calm, and listened with delight to the charming and touching +sounds. Suddenly the door was opened softly and quietly, and Morrik +entered. He stopped when he saw the room filled, but did not like to +turn back. Some gentlemen near the door pointed out to him the empty +seat beside me. He slowly moved up the room, and arriving at my side, +sat down with a slight inclination of the head. My breath stopped and I +feared he would perceive the trembling which seized me, as the arm of +his chair touched mine; however he appeared to be much calmer than I +was, and to listen to the music with more attention; so after a time I +mastered my agitation, and listened too, absorbed in an exquisite and +sweet reverie. I felt as if the melody were a celestial atmosphere in +which our mutual thoughts and feelings rose and intermingled; a +harmonious communion of soul with soul banishing all that had hitherto +divided estranged and tormented us. I cannot describe how this sort of +visionary dream comforted me. I felt persuaded that the same thoughts +touched him also. Our eyes were fixed on the cither, and yet it seemed +as if they met in one long book. + +Even the applause and shouts of bravo! hardly roused us from this +ecstasy. The pauses between the pieces only lasted for a few minutes, +and at the end of one of them the cither-player put by his cither, and +brought out an enormous instrument which he called the divine Kikilira, +explaining in a few words that it was an instrument peculiar to the +Tyrol, and had been constructed by a simple peasant. It is a sort of +wooden harmonium--the notes are formed of very hard wood, and the tones +are produced from them, by the sharp and rapid blows of two small +hammers. It has a harsh shrill sound, and one could hardly have found +an instrument more opposite to the cither. It rudely put to flight all +my exalted thoughts and feelings, and seemed to outrage my very soul. I +would willingly have left the room, had I not been afraid of offending +the performer. I feared for Morrik, for I knew how exceedingly +sensitive he was with regard to every noise. I slightly glanced at him. +He sat with closed eyes his head reclining on his right arm, as if +trying to shield himself from this sudden attack. + +All at once I perceived that his lips grew still paler, his eyes opened +partially and lost all expression; then his head sank heavily against +the back of his chair. + +Several of the audience also observed this, yet no one moved to assist +the fainting man. I fancied, judging by the scornful expression on +their faces, that they with malicious pleasure, purposely left this +benevolent charge to me. I got up and begged the performer to stop, as +a gentleman was unwell. I sprinkled his forehead with eau de cologne, +which I always carry with me, and let him inhale the vivifying perfume. +Part of the company had risen, but none of them left their places: +it was only to observe the spectacle more at their case. Only the +cither-player came to me, and helped me to support Morrik, when his +senses had returned; and to lead him the few steps to the door. Once out +of the room, where the fresh December-wind blew across his face, he +recovered completely. He looked inquiringly at me, then remembered what +had occurred and leant slightly on my arm as I led him down stairs. "I +thank you;" was all he said, and we walked on together as his servant +was nowhere to be found. I accompanied him up the _kleine_ Lauben, as +the street leading past the Post is called, and as far as the church +from whence we could see his lodgings. "Do you feel better?" I asked. +He bowed his head and made a movement as though he now wished to walk +alone. Ere we parted he pressed my hand endeavoured to repress a sigh, +and silently turned towards the house. I watched him till he had +reached the door; he walked with firm slow steps, and did not once look +back. When he had disappeared, I too went home. + +I feel so overcome by this event that I must lie down; my head is +nearly bursting with pain, and when I close my eyes the harsh hammering +sound of that wooden instrument, which surely has received the name of +"divine" in derision, rushes wildly into my ears, and I feel feverish +and exhausted from the heat and oppressive air of the room. + + + The 11th January. + +A fortnight of sickness and suffering, during which I did not open a +book or play a note on the piano--It was only a slight influenza, sleep +and diet have pulled me through--though one night when the fever +tormented me with horrible visions, I was on the point of calling in a +doctor, as my landlady constantly urged me to do. The people here have +great faith in medicines. I am glad that I can now again stand on my +feet, and owe it to no one but myself. I will venture on my first walk +to-day. The air is cold, but still, and the sun is so powerful that I +can boldly open my casement. I long to hear something about Morrik; but +whom can I ask. + + + The same day. + +My presentiment was right; the visions in my feverish dreams spoke the +truth. He is seriously ill with typhus fever. He has been laid up ever +since that concert and sometimes the fever is so bad that he lies +unconscious for hours. I met his doctor just at the gate of the town, +and mustered courage to ask him for news of Morrik; and what good would +restraint do me; it would only be ridiculous for does not everyone +already know that I led him out of the concert-room, and across the +streets and is not my show of interest very innocent, though +unfortunately it may seem improper. The doctor looked very grave and I +should have liked to detain him, and extract from him a decided answer +to my question as to whether there was any immediate danger, but just +then one of his patients accosted him, and our conversation was broken +off. With what feelings I sat down on the sunny bench, and gazed at the +water, watching the logs of wood floating down the stream, and swept +away by the force of the current every time they tried to cling to a +stone. And is it not so with us poor human creatures; do we not float +down the stream of life! and are the happy moments we enjoy anything +better than a short rest on a cliff from which we are severed by the +first passing wave.--Oh, come peace, come! My heart will break with its +stormy throbbing. How shall I be able every morning to endure the pain +of imagining him dying, and of not being able to watch for his every +breath! Oh heavens! and has it come to this, that I must see him leave +this world before me; I who never dreamt of such a possibility. + + + January, the 12th--Evening. + +At last I have gained my point; and the calm I now feel amply +compensates me for the struggle I have had to endure. I have just come +from his lodgings where I have passed the day with him, and shall do so +again to-morrow, and all the days that are yet granted to him. + +How I passed this night, God to whom I prayed in my calmer moments +alone knows. In those dark hours, when sorrow and hopelessness took +away all feeling of _His_ presence, and of my own strength, life, time, +eternity whirled about in my giddy brain just like the helpless logs of +wood tossed by the waves. + +In the morning I begged the landlady to go to his lodgings and enquire +how he had passed the night. She told me that a stout elderly lady with +fair ringlets had opened the door of Mr. Morrik's sitting-room--He lay +in the adjoining room and talked so loud in his fever that one could +hear him distinctly from the outside. The lady asked who had sent her, +and on hearing who it was, had made a wry face, and sent her away with +the information that there was no change. + +This was a terrible blow to me. I knew what he thought of the +professional philanthropy of the life preserver, and that he had always +purposely avoided her. And now there was she listening to his feverish +talk, and plaguing him with her officiousness in his lucid intervals. I +could not bear the thought. + +It was early in the morning when I ascended the stairs of his lodgings, +fully determined not to let any consideration, except what was +necessary for his welfare and tranquillity, prevail over me. My courage +only deserted me for a moment when on knocking at the door a shrill +hard voice called out, "Come in." All my coolness and presence of mind +returned however, when I felt the cold lustreless eyes resting on me, +with a severe rebuking expression; and with a quiet voice I said that I +had come myself to have news of him, as the information of my landlady +did not suffice me. Before she had time to answer Morrik called out my +name from the inner room. "I will go myself," I said, "and ask the +sufferer how he feels. He seems to have recovered his senses." + +"Mr. Morrik receives no one," she said, "and your visit would be +against all propriety, a reason, to be sure, which is of little +importance to you?" "At the death-bed of a friend, certainly not," I +replied. He called a second time "Marie;" so opening the folding that +led to his bedroom, I entered without a moment's hesitation. + +The small room looked dark, as the only window opened on the narrow, +gloomy street, and was partly covered by a curtain; still it was light +enough for me to see that his pale face was brightened by a ray of +pleasure when I entered. He stretched out his hot hand, and tried to +lift his head. "You have come!" he whispered, "I cannot tell you how +your presence relieves me. Do not go away again, Marie, I cannot spare +you, my time is so short. The lady out there, you know whom I mean, her +very voice pains me; her presence seems like a nightmare to me, but I +cannot bring myself to tell her so. I tried to hint to her that I +preferred remaining alone, but she answered that: patients were not +allowed to have a will of their own. Please remain with me, when you +are here I shall see and hear no one but you, and I promise never to +annoy you again." + +He talked on in this strain in so low and hurried a voice, that the +tears sprang to my eyes. I pressed his hand warmly and promised to do +all he wished. His face brightened in a moment. Then he lay quite still +and closed his eyes, so that I believed him to be asleep but when I +tried to draw away my hand, he glanced at me with a sad and pleading +look. At the end of half an hour, he really slept. I returned again to +the sitting-room where the lady sat on the sofa. She was knitting in +great wrath, and the poor meshes had to suffer for my offence. I +perceived that there was no time to be lost, so I told her with as much +consideration for her feelings as I could, that the patient was very +grateful to her for her kindness, but that he would not trouble her any +longer as I was going to nurse him with the help of his servant and of +the people who lodged him. "_You_, my dear?" she slowly asked, casting +an annihilating look at me. + +"Certainly," I replied quietly; "among all the visitors here I am the +nearest acquaintance Mr. Morrik has, and so we should both think it +strange if I left the duty of nursing him to an entire stranger, who +moreover has so many other charitable duties to fulfil." + +She stared at me as though my mind were wandering. + +"Is it possible," she at last said, "that you do not feel, that by this +step you will for ever ruin your already so much damaged reputation. +Are you related to him? Are you an old woman, who is above suspicion; +or are you in need of a nurse for yourself, my dear?" + +"I am perfectly aware of what I can do, and what I can answer for," I +said, "I regret that our opinions on the subject differ, but I cannot +change mine. I shall remain here; and certainly I cannot hinder you +from doing the same. Do not be uneasy about my reputation; I believe I +told you once before that I have closed with this world, and submitting +the case to a higher judge, I hope to be acquitted." She arose, took +her bonnet and said: "You will not expect me to remain in the same room +with a young lady whose moral principles so widely differ from mine, +and to sanction by my presence an intimacy which in every respect I +hold to be most reprehensible. Nothing remains for me but to hear from +the patient's own lips whether he desires my departure. If the doctor +should sanction this continual emotion for a patient suffering from +typhus fever, it is no business of mine." + +With these words, she moved towards the folding doors, but I quietly +stopped her and said: "Mr. Morrik sleeps, so I beg of you not to +disturb him; and from this sleep you may gain the tranquillizing +assurance, that my presence is rather beneficial to him than +otherwise." + +After these words we only exchanged a silent and formal curtsey, the +door closed on the deeply offended lady and a load fell from my heart. +I opened the door of the balcony which also leads into the garden, to +let out the odour of acetic ether which the lady without nerves had +brought here too. Then I looked round my new domain, and it pleased me +much. What a difference between this elegant, handsomely furnished, and +lofty apartment, and my own small room with its scanty furniture. Here, +his writing-table loaded with all the luxury of portfolios, inkstands, +and different trinkets; there, the shelves with his finely bound books; +the comfortable arm-chair, and above all the pleasure of breathing the +fresh air merely by stepping out on the balcony shaded by awnings from +whence a few steps lead into the garden. How sunny, sheltered, and +secluded it looked down there; only the splash of the fountain was +heard, and the lullaby song of a nurse who sat on a bench with a pretty +baby in her arms. + +I was so charmed with the peace of this abode that I actually forgot +who was lying in the next room in a feverish slumber. I was shocked at +having been led for a moment into this obliviousness. I stepped to the +door and listened. He called "Marie" in a low voice. When I looked in, +he said: "I heard all; you are my guardian angel; I owe you the first +refreshing slumber I have had for a fortnight."--"Sleep on," I replied, +"you are not to speak. Cheer up, and dream pleasantly." He nodded +faintly, and again closed his eyes. + +In the afternoon the doctor came. Him, at least, I must exempt from the +accusation I recently brought against all doctors; that of being bad +physicians for the soul. When I told him why I had remained, he smiled. +Has Morrik spoken to him of me? I do not think so. But what pleased him +more even than the departure of the life preserver, whose beneficial +influence on the nerves, he evidently doubts, was the fact that Morrik +had slept for three hours and that his pulse was calmer. + +When I accompanied him to the door, and ventured to ask him what he +thought would be the end of this illness, he shrugged his shoulders. +"The danger has not yet passed," was all he said. I had thought so. + +At seven o'clock I walked home; the servant watches by him during the +night. He slept when I went away, and did not even feel my hand when I +touched his before leaving. I will sleep now; I want to be at my post +early in the morning. For a long time I have not felt so peaceful and +calm as this evening. Now nothing can again estrange us. + + + The 13th. + +He woke in the night, and immediately asked for me. The servant could +hardly quiet him with the assurance that I would certainly return in +the morning. I found him much agitated; only after a long explanation, +in which he followed me with difficulty, did I succeed in convincing +him, that it must be so, that it was necessary that the day and night +watches should be relieved. "But if I should die in the night?" he +asked. "Then you will send for me, and I will come to you instantly." +When I had promised this, he went to sleep again. He does not eat a +morsel and his hands are fearfully thin. + +I am more convinced than ever that my presence tranquillizes him. The +afternoon passed very quietly. We did not speak to each other, but the +door between the two rooms was left open, so that he could see the +light of my lamp, and watch my shadow on the wall; he had expressly +desired this. + +I read for a long time, and listened to his breathing. No other sound +reached me. Only when I had to give him his medicines I went to him. +Then he always had some gay and affectionate words to say to me, but +without any tone of passion in them. + +"She is a fairy," he said to the doctor, "she makes even death appear a +festival to me. Formerly, doctor, I always felt inclined to say to you: +'That thou doest, do quickly.' But now it is of great moment to me that +you should prolong my life for a few days. I can never have enough, +even of your horrid potions, now that a good spirit gives them to me." + + + The 15th. + +Yesterday I could not write. He was much worse. To-day he is, at least, +not worse still; what a sad consolation! The hard frost continues. The +fountain in the garden is covered with ice, and not a flake of snow to +soften the piercing air, and to relieve the chest. I long for snow, for +I am convinced that he will not be better till the air softens. To-day +I stood for hours at his bedside, and he did not recognize me. In his +delirium, he talked of people and countries unknown to me, and then I +saw how little we really know of each other; and yet a moment later +when he called me by name, I felt how near and dear I was to him, and +that we do know of each other our best feelings and thoughts. All that +is really worth knowing. + + + The 19th January, 5 o'clock in the morning. + +I have just come home after four and twenty sleepless hours, and yet I +feel that no sleep is possible for me till my feelings are more calm +and collected, and I have expressed them in these leaves. I feel like +one who has been blind, and who struck by the first ray of light, is +made aware of his happiness by a dazzling pain. I will try to speak +connectedly, though what is the meaning of beginning, middle, end--what +is the significance of these words, when eternity has mingled with +time; when dying, one awakens to a new life, which is subject to time, +yet still bears the impress of eternity. + +These are but weak and unconnected words, and I wished to speak +clearly. + +The days which have passed since I last wrote have been so sad that I +could not speak of them. Yesterday evening when the doctor came quite +late, I had sent for him as my anxiety increased every hour, he did not +conceal his fears. "We must bring on a crisis," he said, "or he is +lost." They put him in a tepid bath and dashed cold water over him. +This excited him to such a degree that even through the closed doors, I +heard his groans and his loud and unintelligible exclamations. When he +had been again laid in his bed the doctor came to me. "I will remain +with him during the night," said the excellent man; "any blunder about +applications of ice might be of fatal consequence. You must go home and +rest, the day has been too fatiguing for you." I told him that even at +home I should find no rest, and would rather remain and watch with him. +He did not press me further as he saw that I was quite decided. Had I +not given my promise to Morrik that I would not be absent when his end +was approaching. So I sat down in an arm-chair at his writing-table and +took up a book only for the sake of holding on to something--to read +was impossible; for that a clear mind is required, and mine was clouded +over with a dark shadow, and all my attention was rivetted on the +sick-room where the doctor sat by his bed changing the compresses +himself, and only now and then giving the servant some order in a low +voice. The moans and the rambling indistinct words which broke from +those feverish lips cut me to the heart; this is still his voice I +thought, and these are, perhaps, the last words that he will ever speak +to me. I cannot understand their meaning, nor does he himself. Oh, what +a leave taking! + +I will not dwell on this scene; the remembrance, even, of that dreadful +time makes me shudder. We heard the hours strike from the church-tower; +ten, eleven o'clock, midnight.--In the next room stillness now +prevailed. I kept in my breath and listened anxiously, questioning +myself if this were a good or a bad sign. I tried to rise and creep to +the door to hear if he yet breathed, but I found that the agony of the +last hours had nearly paralyzed me, and I could not move. Or was it +only that I could not muster courage and nerve myself sufficiently to +face the dreadful certainty. + +Strange! I had thought myself quite familiarized with death, even if it +should approach the bedside of my dearest friend. And now, instead of +calmly facing it, I shivered with fear like a child in the dark. + +I know not if I could have endured these feelings much longer without +fainting, especially as I had not swallowed a morsel the whole of that +day. At last, just as my strength was giving way the bedroom door +opened, and the doctor came out quietly. "He is saved." + +The shock these words gave me was so great that I burst into a fit of +hysterical tears. The doctor sat down opposite me and said: "You weep, +Mademoiselle, and perhaps the word 'saved,' seems to you only as a +bitter mockery, when coupled with the name of a patient whose life was +despaired of before this last illness seized him. But it is just on +this illness that I found my hope of saving him. Nature has risked a +bold experiment and has succeeded. It is not the first time that I have +observed her employ this admirable device by which she first kindles a +conflict in the nervous and blood systems; and then summoning the last +vital powers, she combines all her forces to drive away the enemy who +had taken entire possession of the citadel. Now you will see that our +friend, if his convalescence after this fever proceeds without any +disturbance, will make rapid progress towards the full recovery of his +former health, which was once with reason despaired of. Now I can +safely send him to Venice in March, without any fear of his catching +the typhus there, as this fever seldom seizes the same person twice. +The soft sea air will be most beneficial to his lungs; and though I +never meddle with prophecies, I can say, almost with certainty, that +in this case--taking it for granted that no outward disturbance +occurs--our patient will in less than a year be as strong and healthy +as ever." + +A slight noise in the inner room, called the doctor again to his post. + +He stayed away only a few minutes, but at least I had time to become +more collected before he returned. Can I acknowledge even to myself +that this great revolution in all my ideas startled me more than it +pleased me? So he was to live, and I firmly believing that he was to +follow me into another world had as fully taken possession of his soul +as if it were written that we should only be separated for a short +time, and would part with the mutual wish of: A happy death to you! +instead of a happy life to you! + +Fortunately this selfish regret only lasted till the doctor returned, +and I could say with a heart full of pure joy and gratitude, Thank God, +he will live! He will once more enjoy his youth, his strength, his +plans, and his hopes! When the doctor was again beside me he said, +"They are both asleep: both master and servant. I settled the poor +fellow, who certainly has been greatly fatigued, more comfortably in +his armchair and he did not awake. It seems as if he knew that he is no +longer wanted, now that the crisis has passed, and nature herself has +taken charge of nursing the patient. I advise you to follow his example +Mademoiselle and to lie down on the sofa and go to sleep. I have kept a +cup of tea for myself and do not mind in the least remaining here till +morning, and will feast meantime on our friend's looks. I cannot let +you walk home in this cold winter night, you would by so doing risk all +the benefit you have obtained by your stay here." "Benefit!" I +exclaimed; "you must know that I have no illusions whatever with regard +to the state of my health. I am perfectly aware how little I have to +risk. If I have gained anything by my stay here it is only a reprieve +of a few days or weeks." + +"Pardon me," he said with a smile, "if I do not share your opinion. To +be sure we professional men are often worse prophets than the +uninitiated. At least we are less confident." + +As during the last few days I had written some letters at Morrik's +writing-table, I had brought with me the portfolio, in which I keep our +old doctor's drawing, I drew it from the portfolio, and handed it to +him. "Now you can convince yourself that I am only repeating the +prediction of one of your colleagues," and I told him how I had come to +Meran. + +The drawing appeared to make some impression on him. He shook his head +after looking at it, and then said, "I generally examine the patient by +auscultation myself before I give any opinion. You say that you have +spent the winter without any medical assistance or advice, and perhaps +you were right in doing so, for truly our power is very limited. Far be +it from me to force my opinion on you, but it would interest me greatly +to discover whether your looks, your movements, your voice, and your +pulse are only deceiving, or whether this drawing is to be relied on. +Would you let me ascertain this?" + +"I have no objection to it," I replied, "but you must permit me, +whatever the result may be, to have more faith in our old doctor than +in you." + +After auscultating me, he sat down for about ten minutes in front of +me, and after taking a long draught of tea, he answered my question as +to whether the drawing was not right after all. "I will not venture any +opinion on that subject; all I can say is, that if your lungs really +were in that state, then the Meran climate has worked wonders. We have +had several cases here, in which the patients sent to us had been given +up and were supposed to be in a hopeless state, yet those very patients +are enjoying life to this day, to their own and their doctor's +astonishment. The time you have staid here is however much too short to +have operated such a marvellous recovery, and so I have my doubts about +this drawing. I would even venture to say, if the assertion be not too +bold, that you have never had any inclination to disease of the lungs, +but that your illness is simply caused by great exhaustion of the +nervous system. You say that your doctor is an old practitioner, but +auscultation is a recent discovery and if Hippocrates and Galen had to +speak on the subject they would certainly commit themselves deeply. You +look incredulous dear Mademoiselle. Next year we will again speak of +this, for it will be most beneficial to your nervous system, which is +in a very irritable state, if you spend another winter here and only +visit your relations during the summer." + +Could he have assured me positively of all this and proved it by a +hundred scientific arguments it would have been in vain. I feel only +too well that it is impossible. We had a long dispute about it, and his +smilingly sarcastic tone, and confident manner made me at last lose all +patience, and I uttered all the invectives I had ever heard against his +profession, only exempting our dear old doctor from this sweeping +condemnation. It was rather curious to hear a patient quarreling with +his doctor for awarding life to him. But if life were again given back +to me, could I receive it thankfully as a blessing, would it not appear +only as a renewal of bondage after this short dream of freedom? + +I could not rest till I had then and there in the presence of the +doctor written to my old friend and besought him to come to my rescue; +and save me from this return to life into which they wished to delude +me. The day had not yet dawned, when the doctor and I left the house. +Morrik's servant was now awake, and his master slept, to awaken to a +renewed life. The doctor insisted on my ordering a sedan chair; but I +refused decidedly, and went to post my letter myself. I then begged the +doctor not to mention what had passed between us to any one, and above +all not to Morrik till I had received an answer. He promised it, and +smilingly took leave of me, after seeing me to the door of my lodgings. +As I toiled up the steep stairs, I again felt convinced that ere long I +should ascend them for the last time. + +The mountain tops are not yet red with the rising sun, the air is +foggy, and flakes of snow begin to fall. My room is comfortable and +warm, as the small stove does its duty. If I could but find sleep. This +mounting guard has been too heavy a service for the poor invalid. A +great battle has been won without him, and he himself has been deluded +with the hope of a victory the fruit of which he would not care to +enjoy. + + + January 30th. + +Yesterday, I remained at home, as I had rashly promised the doctor not +to leave my room till he gave his consent. He said that the honour of +science was at stake, if I brought to naught the opinion he had +pronounced, by my reckless enterprizes. It is also necessary for our +friend he added. + +This morning he came to see me. God be praised Morrik it seems, +improves rapidly. I dared not ask him if he had inquired for me, had +missed me. It appears that he eats and sleeps a good deal. + +Rain and snow help me to endure my imprisonment. I shall probably +remain at home for the whole of this week. I do not wish to meet +anyone. I feel a strange uncertainty and anxiety till the answer from +my friend arrives. + +I shall not know what face to put on when I meet my fellow creatures. +Shall I appear to them as one who after a short rest among them will +suddenly take up his staff again, or as one who has changed his mind +and is determined to remain. I feel restless and unsettled since that +conversation with Morrik's doctor. My home is neither in this world, +nor in the next; my mind is uneasy. I fancy that every one looks at me +suspiciously, as the police looks on a vagabond whose passport is not +in proper order, and who cannot state from whence he comes nor whither +he is going. And I shall have to pass another week in this disagreeable +state of bewilderment before I can receive an answer, even if he wrote +by return of post. + +To-day I ought to write to my father but I cannot bring myself to touch +a pen--my feelings are in such a sad state of confusion, often it +appears to me that my body and soul cry out to me "you _cannot_ live;" +then suddenly the blood flows again so warmly and vigorously through my +veins, that it seems to mock my aching heart, and worn out nerves. In +those moments I take out my drawing as if it were a sure bill of +exchange for a better world, but the doctor treated it with so little +respect, that even this paper has lost its tranquillizing power. +Formerly I was so sure that Death like grim Shylck would insist on the +acquittance of his bond, but now I begin to fear that favour, instead +of justice, will be shown me, but is it a favour to be restored to +captivity? + + + The 15th. + +Still no decision! This cold foggy weather continues. The only ray of +light in my gloomy existence are the daily tidings my landlady brings +me that Morrik's nights are good, and that he is gaining strength +rapidly. + +I must here confess a foolish action I have been guilty of. I have +bought a new dress, and a silk neckerchief, just as any other girl +might do. To be sure they were brought up to my room by a grey haired, +half blind pedlar; who came in with his packages dripping with the cold +damp fog. I pitied him when he resignedly tied them up again, after I +had told him that I should hardly wear out the dress I had on. But +could I not have given him some money, as a compensation for his +useless trouble. It is a very pretty summer dress. I wonder who will +enjoy all the blessings and riches of summer in it? + + + The 1st February. + +I have slept on it, and yet have not gained more composure. When the +letter arrived yesterday, I trembled so with excitement that I could +hardly open it, and then at first all the lines danced before my eyes. +When I had perused it all my ideas were in such a state of tumultuous +confusion that I thought I was going mad. Was it pleasure? was it +dread? was it self pity? No it was the certainty that we poor mortals +can have no firm and steadfast support in this unstable world. I +believed that I had at least one faithful, honest, intrepid friend; and +he too has deceived me. I fancied that at least my own unbiassed +instincts, and presentiments could not mislead me, and I find that they +too had conspired against me. + +But the more I read this letter the less angry I feel with him. I will +destroy the answer I had begun in the first impulse of my +disappointment. He meant it well, and has done his duty as a doctor but +I always come back to my old maxim, that all of them are bad physicians +for the soul. Did he consider before trying this energetic cure +whether, though it might succeed with the body, it might not do +irreparable mischief to the soul; or had he kept some "heroic remedy" +as he calls it, also for that case. He knows me well--could he not have +known me somewhat better? He is right in saying that without this +deception I never would have consented to leave my home, my family; and +never would have freed myself from those depressing bonds which wore +out my life, never have allowed myself the rest which was so necessary +for my recovery. + +Was it not principally to spare my dear father, who already has so many +cares, the additional one of seeing me die without the possibility of +saving me, that induced me to leave him. + +I would certainly have forced myself to look happy, and to submit to my +destiny till I had made myself ill beyond human aid. He knew what +suited my character when he deceived me in this cruel way. I have ever +preferred the most dreadful certainty to a hopeful uncertainty. If +peace and quiet were the only remedies which could strengthen my +suffering nerves, and ward off the menacing disease from my oppressed +chest, then I could only be saved by the firm belief that I was doomed. +And the undecided wavering hope of life would only have aggravated my +illness. + +How artfully the crafty, malicious, cruel friend brought about what he +thought good for me. This drawing, with; what seeming reluctance he put +it in my hands, in order that I might have impressed on my mind a fixed +tangible vision of my danger, that I might be well armed against all +rising hopes, all glimmering wishes. Then his exhortation not on any +account to consult a doctor who would certainly only seek to delude me, +to spare my feelings, in the way all medical men treated their +patients. His emotion when I left, his praise of my firmness and +self-command--Still I cannot bear him ill-will. He does not know what +sort of life it was, he sought to give back to me, by this stratagem. +After having resigned it, it appears so paltry and valueless; how painful +it is to me to begin anew with all the trifles of this world to which I +had already become dead, and to bear what now seems doubly odious to me +after having lived in a higher and nobler sphere; to fall back into the +dreary drudgery of a girl's life; to be once more tied down to the +narrow, commonplace customs and prejudices of a small town; to be +observed, judged and pitied by one's so-called friends, who know so +little of the characters of their acquaintances, that they invariably +mistake their good qualities for their bad ones. + +I must cease! my thoughts are lost in the deep gloom of a sunless +future, in which the dear faces of my father and Ernest are the only +bright spots. + +What radiance streamed from the open gate, the entrance of which was +guarded by the angel of death. + + + February the 3rd. + +The doctor has just left me. He has taken the letter with him, as he +thinks it very remarkable, and says he has not yet met with such a +thorough physiologist as my old friend. Perhaps he wishes to show the +letter to Morrik. From him not a word; I did not like to question the +doctor, as I had heard in the morning, that he was getting on well, and +yesterday for the first time, enjoyed the warm sunshine on his balcony. + +To-day I fancied the doctor was very absent hurried, and mysterious; I +had to ask him if he permitted me to walk out. He nodded, and said; +"Mind you do not agitate yourself by any exciting conversation." With +whom should I speak? + +So I must begin life again, where, and under what circumstances? I +should like to keep a school; but here the people are all Roman +Catholics. + +Leave these dear mountains, and return to that dull town to look again +on the monotonous faces of its inhabitants with their air of self +importance, the obtrusiveness of which disturbs my very dreams. However +I cannot leave my father. Fortunately he has not been duped as I have +been. He agreed to the stratagem of our malicious friend. + +It appears strange that Morrik should not have made the slightest +inquiry, or sent any friendly greeting to me. He probably feels that +there must be some change in our relations to each other, as it is +decided that we are both to live. But some acknowledgement of our +former friendship.... or does he not feel the pain and bitterness of +having found each other, only to lose one another again for ever. + +The doctor says that so severe a crisis often changes the whole nature, +and so his soul which has arisen renewed, and invigorated from the +paroxysm of fever, has probably kept no remembrance of his companion on +the road to death. Well I must submit to it. + +Let him forget me; I will always remain to him what I have been. + + + The 5th--Morning. + +Received a letter from my father congratulating me. I shed tears over +it. Whilst every one was condoling with me I felt happy, and now that I +am again given back to life, and ought to rejoice I feel wretched. + +These desolate winter-days, the sun shining with the heat of spring, +make me feel miserable in body and soul; it is but a sterile.... + + + February the 6th. + +Yesterday amidst all my hopelessness, a spark of courage kindled within +me. I left my writing and walked to the window. I felt heartily ashamed +of my cowardice, my grief, and my ingratitude towards God. + +What had become of the sentence which I had once so valiantly used as +the theme for a sermon? "For I was made man; and that means that I have +striven." + +The wings of angels which I had expected are not to be mine yet. I must +still be up and doing, and if necessary, must work my way through the +world with these mortal arms of mine, and be thankful if some day I +should be able to twine them round a dear friend and there find rest. + +The remembrance that I had once approached a higher sphere and had +learnt to know it, or at least to anticipate it, will always remain +with me for good and for evil. For good, as I carry away with me an +everlasting treasure of golden thoughts; for evil, as many things which +formerly I should have deemed riches, will now appear insufficient to +me. Yet I would not spare the past. + +I have written to my old friend this morning and have reconciled myself +with him; and now I will try to be reconciled to myself, for I was +justly angry with my own weakness. Must I not be at peace with myself, +before I can once again engage in the battle of life. + + + The 8th February. + +And where is the free and happy mortal who is permitted to glide +through life as on wings, whose forehead reaches the clouds, who can +say that the dust on the road of life has not touched his soul, no +barrier hemmed in his steps, or obstructed his sight, that every hour +he feels within him an eternal bliss and freedom. To few mortals has +fate awarded such a lot as awaits Morrik after his heavy trials. My +heart beats with joy when I think of the brilliant future that lies +before him. How little I grudge him his happiness; I rejoice in it. It +seems strange to me, that only a fortnight has passed since I stood +beside his bed. How much has occurred since then! When he hears my +name, he will perhaps look up wonderingly, and try to recollect where +he met me. + +Here I sit thinking and planning for his future, like an old woman who +after many long years is told that a friend of her youth has thriven +and prospered in life, and who says: "He has well deserved it; his +character was noble and generous; I knew him well when I was young!" + + + The 12th February. + +The wisest thing I now can do is honestly to confess my folly and then +have a good laugh at myself. How long is it since I again resolved to +be a true combattant? And now? What a heroic achievement to lay down my +arms and run away without having even the courage to desert, but to +lose heart when half way, and turn back again. Well done brave warrior! +If I did not look on the whole thing from a ludicrous point of view, I +should feel deeply ashamed of myself. + +Well this afternoon the air was so warm and springlike that the sun +drove me from my customary lonely walk on the Kuechelberg. Not a breeze +stirred, the lizards whisked about as gaily as in summer, and there is +no foliage to afford shade; the tendrils which were formerly trained +into cooling bowers have probably a good reason of their own for not +budding as yet. + +I turned back, and for the first time for many days ventured on the +Wassermauer, which was not much frequented. + +My heart beat as though everyone already knew that I had slipped into +the society of the doomed, under false colours, and had been sent back +with a protest. + +I tried to find a ready answer in case anybody should ask me; "and so +you have changed your mind, and are not going to die?" All the small +sins I had committed in the belief that it was pardonable to gratify +every wish, as the wish of one dying, rose in array against me. How +impolite, how regardless of giving offence I had been to every one for +whose good opinion I did not care. There is that stout old gentleman +with a small thermometer in his button-hole, who fastens or unfastens +one of the buttons of his overcoat at every degree more or less of +cold. At first he had lectured me about my health, and I had not only +continued my imprudent courses but even, when I once met the fat +philanthropist, unconsciously let down my veil, to his great +astonishment. There is that young girl, with whom I never exchanged +another word, because after the first quarter of an hour of our +acquaintance she kissed me, and read aloud a poem which her brother had +composed. There is that lady with her two big mustachioed sons, who +with great foresight, had cautioned me against any flirtation with +them, and after all was much offended when I followed her advice and +turned my back on them; and above all the poor little chronicler of +scandal, who can now only come out by means of an arm-chair, but still +has strength enough left to rejoice over the weaknesses of her fellow +creatures. What a character she will give me, when she arrives in the +next world before me! Well I hope He who judges up yonder will be more +lenient than the good people here below. I was thinking over all this, +and feeling very much provoked at my own paltry cowardice which seemed +to flourish again and prevented me from attaining the indifference and +disdain with which I had formerly looked down on the life here, when I +reached the Winter garden, and glancing along the benches and arbours, +what I saw there put the finishing stroke on my remaining courage. +There sat bolt upright, and expanding around her the skirts of a +dazzling toilette, the lady without nerves, and beside her, silently +looking on the ground, and perfectly restored--Morrik! She was eagerly +talking to him, and he listened patiently, a kind smile even +brightening his face. I grudged her that smile, as I would have done to +no one else. I cannot express the misery I felt, the longing to be +away, never to see, or be seen of them again; never to be forced to +speak indifferently to those with whom, in the presence of death, I had +exchanged words full of weal or woe. + +I fled across the bridge, and along the highroad which leads through +the beautiful valley of the Adige, and after passing several villages +reaches Botzen sixteen miles off. I soon left the first village of +Untermais behind me, and then sat down on a bench, and there collected +my thoughts sufficiently to devize a plan, which though wiser than the +rest was still exceedingly foolish. If I walk on for several hours, I +thought, I shall reach Botzen to-day, and probably some carriage or +omnibus may overtake me, and give me a lift. Once at Botzen, I can +write to the people with whom I lodged, and apprize them that I was +forced to leave suddenly, send them some money, and beg them to pack my +things and forward them to me. By so doing, I should never again see +them all, and should avoid the trials and pain of leave taking in case +anyone should care about my departure--at least it will not trouble my +rest. And who will care? Perhaps the doctor, and I can write to him. I +need not be uneasy about _him_ whom I once called my friend. He must +have _quite_ recovered, if he can sit beside the lady without nerves, +and smile when she speaks to him in her shrill voice. When I had taken +this resolution, I felt quite satisfied, at least I fancied that I was +so; so I walked bravely on towards the south, and tried to enjoy the +fine scenery around me; the green meadows, the bare rugged mountains +with the snow glittering on their summits, the picturesque houses of +the peasants, the vineyards, the rushing streams which I passed on my +way, and above all, I tried to rejoice in the thought that I had now +put an end to all my doubts and cares, and had depended on no one but +myself. It seemed quite a relief to return home, and to hide my broken +wings. They had been too weak to soar aloft, and had not borne the test +of freedom. Is not that a common misfortune among caged birds? + +The sun had now set. I had passed a village the name of which I did not +know, and had there drunk a small glass of wine as, I was shivering in +my light cloak. The air was sharper than was agreeable to a patient +spoiled by the warm sun of Meran. I became more and more uneasy as I +wandered alone, along the highroad, in the twilight. I often looked +back to see if nothing was coming that might give me a lift. An omnibus +passed me, but it was crowded with smoking peasants, and did not look +inviting. + +After having walked on for another hour, nearly famished, and with no +shelter in view, the brave heroine who had formed such daring projects, +sat down on a stone by the way-side, and had a good cry, like any other +baby which had strayed from its home. Truly death is easy, and life is +hard! + +Heaven knows what would have become of me had not a lucky chance, no, +it was kind Providence, taken compassion on me. Suddenly I heard the +rolling of a light cart, and the crack of a whip, and looking up I +recognized in the charioteer, my friend of the Kuechelberg, Ignatius. + +After scanning the lonely figure, with sharp eyes he pulled up. A +touching scene of recognition took place, which ended by Ignatius +lifting me into his cart, and driving me homewards. He had concluded +some wine business in Vilpian and was in high spirits. He was quite +satisfied with my declaration, that lost in thought, I had walked on +and so strayed far from Meran. There I sat wrapped up in coverings, and +conveyed home as speedily as possible. Fortunately we did not approach +Meran before dark, and did not meet anyone except the doctor, who came +out of a house just as we were passing through Untermais, and who +little suspected who was hiding from him in that cloak and veil. During +the drive, kind Ignatius gave me a detailed description of his conjugal +felicity, with a freedom of expression which I had to pardon on account +of the wine of Vilpian which had loosened his tongue. "Certainly," he +remarked, "Liesi still had her old propensity for setting down and +knowing better; but he had at last come to the conclusion that she +really _did_ know better. A single person did so many foolish things, +but when two kept house together all was quite different. Where one was +at fault, the other succeeded, and two pair of eyes saw just twice as +sharp as a single pair could do. Then his Liese was so handy and clever +in every respect, just as he had always wished his wife to be. She +always had a kind word for him, in short, life seemed a paradise to him +since his marriage." Once he asked after the gentleman who had been +with me at Schoenna. When I told him that he had quite recovered his +former health, he hummed a song, and nodded and winked at me so +mischievously that I got quite angry. + +The good people with whom I lodge, stared in astonishment when I told +them how far I had wandered. I then informed them that I would leave +after another week. I have been told that the passage over the Brenner +is now free from snow and the cold is not very keen. I must take +advantage of this early, and probably transient, spring for my passage +over the Alps.... + +I now make a solemn vow that to-morrow I will do public penance for my +childish flight of to-day. I will walk on the Wassermauer, speak to my +few acquaintances and tell them how marvellously I have recovered my +health. I will confront even the lady without nerves, and see if I +cannot be restored to her favour. It would have been really too +disgraceful if I had reached Botzen. To run away like a rogue who dares +not look an honest man in the face. Then I quite forgot too that this +diary would have remained here, and who knows into whose hands it might +have fallen. + + + The next day--Spring has burst forth. + +Can one write down what the heart can neither seize, nor comprehend? I +will try. + +When I rose in the morning I did not in the least fear all the trials +which this day would bring me, all the test of courage I should have to +undergo in front of the enemy. Had I known what bliss was awaiting me, +I should have perhaps run away overpowered by its greatness. Yesterday +I wrote that life was hard to bear; but hardest of all for a poor weak +heart to bear, is great happiness when it has never before tasted it +from youth upwards, and is then suddenly crushed and overpowered by its +weight. It cannot cease to ask itself, "Will it not be taken from me +before my strength is equal to it?" There is one comfort however in +this, that no true happiness has to be borne alone. This deep and +heartfelt bliss can only be given us by a fellow creature, who in +bestowing it on us, shares it with us. There lie the first violets they +too bear witness to the spring which has this day come to me. I had a +refreshing rest after my long wandering of yesterday; softly rocked to +sleep by a conscience which had grown quite easy since I had firmly +resolved not to be ashamed before the world of the crime I had +committed in returning to life. + +When I rose the day was far advanced. While dressing my hair before the +glass I perceived that my colour was returning, and when I put on my +dress, I remarked that I could no longer wear my funereal clothes; they +have become much too tight for me and confine my chest. The old hoary +headed pedlar came in good time! It is long since I have had a fit of +vanity. But if one is to live, why not do like other women? When I had +done plaiting my hair, I came to the conclusion that after all, I did +not look so very old. I do not know how it happened, but my thoughts +then suddenly turned to the young Pole, and I began to consider what +charm was attached to me, that anyone could fall in love with, at ten +paces distance. Probably it is all a matter of taste. + +For the first time I was ashamed of my old-fashioned clothes, and when +putting on my hat, determined to have a new ribbon for it, before I +ventured out on my thorny walk among the strangers. And so it came to +pass that as I was going to leave my room, my head filled with finery +like that of a silly Miss in her teens, the door opened and in walked +Morrik. I verily believe that he had forgotten to knock. I was somewhat +startled, but he did not seem to notice it. He was quite absent and +shy. + +He did not even sit down, but walked at once to the window, and admired +the view; then examined the writing-table, and talked about rococo +furniture with the air of a connoisseur. All at once he burst forth, +and begged my pardon for the liberty he had taken in calling on me, but +that he was starting for Venice tomorrow morning, and wished to take +leave of me. He wanted also to excuse himself to me and to thank me. + +I sat down on the little sofa, and could find no word in reply but: +"Won't you sit down." I still had my hat on which did not appear very +hospitable but he seemed to think of nothing but how to express in +words, what weighed on his mind. + +"What must you have thought of me," he at last said, "when you neither +saw nor heard anything of me, after that night when you, and the doctor +watched by my bedside. But I am not quite so bad, so heartless, so +ungrateful, as you must have supposed me. The truth is that I can +recollect no more of what happened during my illness than I can +remember of an uneasy dream. I certainly fancied that I had seen you at +my bedside, that I had received the medicines from your hands, and that +it was you who had arranged my pillows. I had also a vague impression +of some strange scene between you and my bete noire, the lady without +nerves. But when I had considered it all, it appeared to me, so strange +that I quickly banished it from my mind. Had I not received the letter +from you, in which you so seriously and decidedly bade me farewell. To +be sure your landlady came daily to inquire for me, but then many other +persons did the same. Why should you not have been civil, though +everything was at an end between us. So I feared to act against your +stringent orders, by trying once more to approach you. I even doubted +whether you would not consider it as an offence if I were to write a +line to you before leaving, and send you a bouquet as is customary in +this country. You will now understand my astonishment when having +accidentally met the life preserver, I heard from her that all that had +seemed to me a dream, had actually taken place; that you had really +been my deliverer and faithful guardian, and with noble generosity, had +taken pity on my sufferings and not resented all that had estranged us, +and had so suddenly put an end to the bright and happy days of yore. +Now I can hardly thank you sufficiently. I feel quite unhappy, and +bewildered when I think of the past. I wished to tell you so yesterday, +and to clear up all that must have seemed incomprehensible to you, but +you were out when I called. Were you not told that I had been here +twice? Perhaps you would rather leave everything unexplained, as it was +before; quite without my knowledge and will. Your interest was only for +the dying man. Now that it is decided that I am to live, I am perhaps +quite as much estranged from you as when I rashly uttered the words +that pained you so much. Well, I am to leave Meran to-morrow, and you +will be freed from the constraint which my presence has caused you." + +What I answered; what he said, when he spoke again; how it came that +his hand held mine, and that he again called me "Marie," as he formerly +had done, how can I tell? + +The air seemed suddenly filled with intoxicating music, my eyes were +dazzled with the rays of heavenly light which appeared to stream +through the room. How long this ecstasy lasted I know not; all I know +is that Eternity opened before me. I had died happy and without agony, +and now I was awakened to a new life, in heaven and yet in this world; +dead to all the small cares and faintedheartedness of human life, and +arisen to the full glory of peace, everlasting trust, and the eternal +knowledge of the truth. + +"Come," he said at last, "you are ready for a walk; let us make our +bridal visits." + +I took his arm, and he first led me across the passage into the +workshop of my landlord, where the good old Meister and his apprentices +stared at us, and the Frau Meisterin hearing the news, rushed into the +room, with a frying pan, which she was just going to put on the fire, +still in her hand; she loudly sang my praises, and congratulated Morrik +on having secured such a treasure as a wife, till I at last burst out +laughing through my tears. Then we walked through the town, and he now +and then entered a shop, and bought most useless things only for the +pleasure of saying. "Send it to the lodgings of my betrothed, you know +the house of the tailor, three stairs high, next door to heaven," and +he said it all with perfect gravity. + +When we arrived on the Wassermauer, all the strangers were assembled as +if by appointment. The band was playing, and for the first time, it +seemed to me, that the instruments were in tune, and the musicians +keeping time. + +At first I felt rather embarrassed, as all eyes were upon me, but that +soon passed off, and I was infinitely amused to see how amiable and +friendly every one had suddenly become, and how pleased I was with +them. We first turned to the life preserver, and actually something +like a tear glistened in her small unmeaning eyes when Morrik kissed +her hand and told her she was as yet the only woman who had made me +jealous. This speech procured me a gracious kiss on the forehead and +the assurance that my behaviour was to be overlooked in consideration +of my jealousy, and weak nerves. Then came the lady with her two smart +sons, the sister with her brother the poet and even the fat gentleman +with the thermometer at his button-hole. From them all we received +congratulations, and they all assured us that they had known it long +ago; to which Morrik answered that in that case they had known more +than we ourselves had done; he even joked with the little _chronique +scandaleuse_, who alone persisted in treating me with icy coldness. To +a child who offered me a bunch of violets he gave his whole purse. The +sun shone, the trumpets seemed to call the spring from its winter +sleep. And yonder in the churchyard where I had chosen a sunny little +corner for my grave, the flowers were blooming, as if after having +taught us to live, death had disappeared for ever. + +After that, we sat together for a long time and only took leave of each +other when the sun was setting. + +"Darling," he said, "I have solemnly promised our tyrant the doctor, +not to see you again before next spring. Nothing he says is so +pernicious to the health of convalescents as a long betrothal between +two solitary young people. That was the reason he would never speak out +about your nursing me in my fever; although I several times very +plainly alluded to it. But you have learned how to write as I know to +my own cost, and so we shall still be united. How I shall rejoice at +the first letter from you which does not speak of leave taking but of +meeting, never to be parted again; not of death, but of a life full of +happiness." + +We were standing on the stairs in the twilight. We clasped each other's +hands and promised to bear this last trial cheerfully. I pressed him +once more to my heart before I had to surrender him again; but we both +firmly trusted that He who had granted us this happiness would also +grant us a future to enjoy it. We shall not in vain have passed from +death to life.... + +I now close this journal: I will send it to you to-day, my dearest +friend, perhaps it may amuse you to peruse it on your lonely journey +when your thoughts are with me. Is not all I possess, are not all my +thoughts yours for ever? The pages contain your name more than once. +May it be a clear mirror in which our united images are reflected. I +lay this poem between the leaves, I have copied it for you, and have +placed beside it one of the violets you gave me to-day. When they bloom +again, we shall be once more united, if God permits it--and He _will_ +permit it.-- + + Thou shall't not weep but gladdened be + And bless thyself at noon, at night, + When free thy soul with wond'ring glee + Shall joyful taste love's deep delight. + + Of life, the tumult all is o'er; + No sounds to us from earth can soar, + As heav'nward now our eyes we raise, + And on the glorious stars we gaze. + + Softly the waves of peace shall flow + O'erwhelming every grief at last; + And to our senses the bright glow + Of endless love o'er all is cast. + + + + + + + BEATRICE. + + + + + + BEATRICE. + + +Night was far advanced and yet we three sat together in the cool +summer-house, conversing over some bottles of wine from Asti, which we +had discovered by a lucky chance, and were now emptying to the health +of our friend who had just returned from Italy. He was, by several +years, our senior, and had reached man's estate, when we first met him +twelve years ago, on our southern journey. His manly appearance, the +nobility of his demeanour, and a certain pensive charm in his smile had +attracted us from the first. His conversation, his universal knowledge, +and the unassuming way in which he displayed it, confirmed us in our +first impressions, and at the end of the three weeks, which we passed +together in Rome, we were united in as firm a friendship as ever +existed between men of such different ages. Then he suddenly left us; +he was summoned back to Geneva, where he was at the head of a large +commercial establishment. + +During the succeeding years we never missed an opportunity of meeting +again, so he had not hesitated this time to take the longer route +through our town for the sake of spending twenty-four hours in our +company. + +We found him unchanged in his outward appearance; he was still a +handsome man, his hair was hardly sprinkled with grey; his high +forehead was white and smooth, but he was more silent than formerly. +Sometimes he was so absent that he did not hear our questions, but +apparently absorbed in his own thoughts gazed at the wine-bubbles in +his glass, or holding a lump of ice to the candle watched it slowly +melting. We hoped to render him more communicative by making some +inquiries respecting his last journey, but finding that even this +favourite theme could not arouse him we left him to himself, and kept +up the conversation between us, happy to have him at least in the body +with us, and patiently waiting for the time when his spirit also should +return. + +In the meantime I poured forth all the ideas which had lately occupied +my mind. They were crude and superficial and would at any other time +have provoked a contradiction from our friend who was a sharp and keen +logician. The condition of the Italian theatre had given occasion to +this discussion. I maintained that it was not in any way surprising if +the Italians, in spite of all their pathos and passion, could not equal +the dramatic literature of Greece, England, and Germany; nor does it +stand higher in France and Spain, formerly so renowned for dramatic +glory. The temperament of the Latin races, their nature and +cultivation, are so restrained by conventionalities that the tragic +element which consists in concentrating all our interest in one single +individual is quite unintelligible to them. Nor do they venture to +liberate themselves from the trammels of form and give free course to +the spontaneous accents of nature which can alone awaken a tragic awe +in our hearts. + +Like every conversation on elevated subjects which does not blindly +grope on the surface of a question, so the present one soon led us to +the discussion of the most mysterious depths of human nature. + +Whilst Amadeus drew figures with his silver pencil in the spilt wine, +Otto warmly defended the conventionalism I had condemned, and +maintained that even fiction should be subjected to strict moral laws. +My proposition that the drama should deal with individual, and +exceptional cases, rather than with generalities, and exalt natural +laws above social ones, seemed to him pernicious and full of danger, +for, he said, the conception of a dramatic crime would then be like the +harbouring of a demon in our bosom, instigating to the contempt and +intolerance of every thing that clashed with our individual feelings +and passions. You would thereby destroy the whole social system, which +after all must have some reason for existing, in favour of the +boundless liberty of the individual. The only merit you appear to +recognize in poetry is that which is beyond the pale of every law. I +tried to make him understand that the point in question did not only +apply to the collision of the drama with outward forms; in a word that +heroic and noble souls were wont to solve the problems of duty, +otherwise than those timorous and commonplace formalists who are always +restrained by petty customs and considerations. Highly gifted natures, +who set an example proportionate to their inward strength and +greatness, extend by their actions the limits of the moral sphere; and +just so, the artist of genius breaks through, or at least extends the +limits that confine his art. + +If those noble souls are often actuated by pride and excessive +self-reliance, do they not atone for it by their tragical end? at least +in the eyes of those formalists who regard life as the most precious of +gifts, and who for that reason will never engage in any action, or be +led away by any opinion, which according to the laws of society must +end in death. Such, however, as are capable of understanding the +thoughts and feelings by which those noble natures are impelled, will +never resign the right of exalting them, for they cannot be meted with +the common measure of morality. They who condemn as immoral, what in +our wretched and deficient social organisation ought only to be +considered as the sacred self-defence of free and strong characters, +will never be sensible of the beautiful, or sympathize with what is +generous, they will only discern what is profitable. + +Thus had I spoken when suddenly Amadeus looked up from his reverie and +stretched out his hand to me across the table. + +"Thank you," he said, "for these true and noble words you have spoken; +they have pleased me much. Amongst us there can be no difference of +opinion as to the fact that custom is not the true standard of +morality, and that the mission which poetry fulfils lies beyond the +pale of human ordinances. I only protest against your assertion that +the deficiency of great tragical poets in Italy is to be accounted for +by the conventional fetters which restrain the character of the nation. +As if capacity of mind, fancy, morality, and the sense of the beautiful +must necessarily be equally developed; as if the one did not often +outstrip the other. + +"If a great tragic genius, such as they once possessed in Alfieri were +to be born again to the Italians, the spirit of the nation would not be +slow to welcome him, and academic prejudices of style, could no more +keep their ground, than enforced conformity to the law can oppose the +rights and duties of a free born soul. + +"No," he continued, visibly moved, and the tears glistening in his +eyes, "the hollow pathos of their tragedies is not the touchstone by +which we can judge the soul of that noble nation. I cannot hear you +say this without protesting against it, for if ever there existed a +self-dependent character, in feelings, and actions; that character was +my wife's, and she was an Italian." + +He paused, while we sat mute and breathless with surprise. Though we +had always presumed ourselves to be well acquainted with him, and all +related to him, we now heard for the first time that he had been +married to a woman he so highly esteemed, and yet whose existence he +had concealed as one conceals a wrong. He rose and paced the narrow and +now dusky room, and we did not disturb him either by questions or +inquiring looks. + +At last he stood still, and began in his deep and mellow voice: "I +never told you this because the remembrance of it has always +overpowered me, and the mere recalling of these events caused me a +fever which laid me prostrate for a week. Still it always seemed to me +as if I were wronging you, when I used jestingly to evade your +railleries on my bachelorhood. Believe me, it was principally to +redress this wrong, that I sought your society when I this time +returned from my yearly visit to her grave. Let me therefore simply +tell you all that my heart dictates to me; but first I must open this +casement; the air here is so oppressive that I breathe with difficulty. +So, now, go on with your cigars and your wine, while I walk up and +down. + +"A quarter of a century has passed since those events, yet they are as +present to my memory as if they had happened only yesterday; they will +not let me rest." + +What he confessed to us in that night, till the day dawned--and even +then we could not part--I wrote down the following day, keeping as much +as possible to his own words. Then I little thought that they were to +be his last ones, his last bequest. He had rightly judged of the power +these recollections still exercised over him; they brought on a fever, +which clung to him during his homeward journey, and was aggravated by +his exertions during a night conflagration, and a few weeks after our +meeting the news reached us that we had then seen him for the last +time. + +The following record is now doubly precious to me, and I can with +difficulty bring myself to allow indifferent eyes to peruse his secret. +Then again I feel it a duty to bring to light the strange fate of those +two hearts. Are not the expressions of noble and generous souls the +rightful property of humanity?... + + + * * * * * + + +I had reached my twenty-fifth year when my father died. Standing at his +death-bed, after witnessing his painful agony, it seemed to me that ten +years had passed over my head. My only sister who was very dear to me, +had shortly before married a young agent of our establishment, a +Frenchman, whose family had long ago settled at Geneva, and who now +entered into partnership with our firm. + +He was like a brother to me, and so when he and my sister urged me to +travel for several months with the hope of rallying my depressed +spirits, I took their advice in this, as in all things, and set out on +my journey, the more readily that I felt how necessary to me was some +outward diversion to my thoughts. + +The change of scene soon realized the hopes of my relations. Youth and +vitality were restored. I was again able to enjoy the beauties of +nature, and my taste for the fine arts, which had been awakened by my +former journeys through France and Germany and now found ample food in +Venice and Milan, whither I at first directed my steps, intending to +proceed southwards by slow journies. + +Above all I was impatient to reach Florence. The marvels I expected to +find there caused me to look with indifference on the many beauties of +art which I met with on my way thither. Thus I reserved only one day +for Bologna, where I took a hasty survey of the churches and galleries +in the morning, and in the afternoon I drove out to the old convent of +St. Michele at Bosco, in order to quiet my conscience by obtaining a +complete view of the wonderful old town from the summit of the hill. + +It was one of the hottest days in midsummer, and though I am generally +little affected by any temperature, yet the suffocating air on that +occasion completely overpowered and exhausted me. The road which leads +from St. Michele back to the town was entirely deserted. Above the +walls of the gardens the trees and bushes projected their dusty boughs. +The wheels of the carriage sank deeply into the burning sand. The +coachman drowsily nodded on his seat, and with difficulty kept his +balance. The tired horse crawled with drooping head and ears along the +edge of the road, in the hope of enjoying the scanty shade which now +and then was cast across it by a villa, or a garden-wall. I had +stretched out my weary limbs along the back seat of the carriage, and +after forming a tent above my head by means of my umbrella I fell into +a dose. + +Suddenly I was roused from my repose by a rough blow on my face, as if +some overhanging bough had grazed me as I passed. I started up, and +looking around, discovered a blooming spray of pomegranate lying beside +me. Evidently it had been thrown at me over the neighbouring wall. The +movement I had made seemed to be a signal to the horse to stop. The +coachman quietly slept on, so I had ample leisure to examine the spot +from whence the branch had been thrown at me. I did so all the more +carefully that I had heard from behind the high garden wall a +suppressed girlish titter at the success of the merry trick. I was not +deceived; after waiting a few moments, standing upright in the +carriage, and stedfastly gazing at the wall, I perceived a curly head +shaded by a large florentine straw hat, arise from behind it. A pair of +dark eyes, sparkling with fun underneath the solemn eyebrows, turned +towards me, and seemed to regard me as some strange animal. But when I +raised the sprig of pomegranate, and pressing it to my lips, waved it +towards the young waylayer, a deep blush suffused her face, and in the +next moment the fair vision had disappeared, so that without the branch +in my hand I should probably have believed it to be a dream. I left the +carriage and pensively walked along the side of the wall, till I +reached a high trellised gate which closed the entrance to the garden. +Between the old iron bars of massive mediaeval workmanship, I could +perceive a part of the grounds of the house which stood with closed +Venetian blinds among groups of elm-trees and acacias. I shook the lock +of the gate, but it would not open; my hand had already grasped the +bell rope, when I was seized with sudden shyness at the thought of +entering these strange premises. What a figure I should cut were I +asked the reason of my intrusion. So I contented myself with patiently +waiting for several minutes in the hope of once more seeing the +youthful thrower of sprigs. In the meantime I scanned the house, which +was in no way remarkable, as attentively as if I had intended to draw +it from memory. At last the heat of the sun became unbearable, and I +returned to my umbrella tent. This roused the coachman, he jerked the +reins and away we crawled; I with my head still turned backwards, +though no trace of the fair one was to be discovered. + +When I reached the hotel of the three pilgrims, a heavy shower +freshened the oppressive air, and during the night the streets were so +deliciously cool and damp, that I never wearied of sauntering through +the long arcades, now stopping to drink a glass of iced water at some +coffee house; now admiring the portal of some church in the dim light +of the lamps. But in spite of the fatigue caused by this continual +walking and standing, I could find no rest till the morning dawned. I +would not believe that it was the fair young face that kept me awake, +though it continually rose before my eyes. I had always considered it a +fable that the spark from a single glance could set fire to the heart, +so I believed my restlessness to be caused by overstrained nerves. + +The next morning however when my hotel bill which I had ordered the +evening before was brought to me, I perceived, now that departure was +at hand, how painful it was to tear myself, away. I became pensive; +then I suddenly recollected that a friend of our firm lived in Bologna +whom I ought to visit. Generally my conscience was not over sensitive +in these matters, but now it seemed to me that this civility was of +great importance. I also reproached myself for the superficial way in +which I had looked at Raphael's St. Cecilia, not to mention several +other sins of omission. I discovered that Bologna was a most remarkable +town, and that after all Florence would always remain within reach. + +I finally succeeded in persuading myself that the pretty thrower of +flowers had not the slightest share in this sudden change in my plans. +Strange to say the outlines of her face, when I tried to recall them +vanished more, and more from my mind, and at last I could only remember +the expression of her eyes. During the day time while I fulfilled my +duties as a tourist, I did not feel any particular agitation, but when +the intense heat had subsided, and I directed my steps towards the +villa, as though it were a matter of course, I felt a strange +uneasiness, and I can even now recollect the songs which I sang to +raise my spirits. + +I soon reached the spot and found everything just as I had seen it +yesterday. The house looked more cheerful, now that the Venetian blinds +were drawn up, and on the balcony stood a little dog, who when he saw +me stop at the gate, barked furiously. I could not muster courage to +ring the bell. It seemed as if a secret presentiment warned me, and I +almost wished never to see that fair face again, and to depart early +next morning with an unscathed heart. Nevertheless I once more walked +round the boundary wall which extended for some distance, and was +bordered on the further side by some peasants' huts, and a few fields +of maize, nowhere a living creature was to be seen. I had now reached a +point where a low hedge touched the garden wall; I could easily climb +upon it, and from thence overlook the garden. As nobody appeared. I +boldly ventured. The boughs of a large evergreen oak-tree projected +beyond the wall, and I hastily scrambled up and clung to the lowest +branch for support. I could not have chosen a better place; at a +distance of hardly fifty paces I saw on the parched up lawn which now +lay in the shade, two young girls who were playing at battle door and +shuttle cock quite unconscious of being watched. One of them wore a +white dress and the broad brimmed straw hat which I had remarked the +day before. She was of middle height with a figure as straight and +slender as a young poplar tree. She moved like a bird with a graceful +agility such as I fancied that I had never before seen. Her black hair +loosened by her lively movements, flowed freely over her shoulders. The +face was very pale, only lighted up by the eyes and teeth. Suddenly the +shuttlecock was thrown awkwardly, and she burst into a merry laugh +which made my heart throb violently, and the hedge appeared to tremble +under my feet. Her play fellow was dressed like her; only with less +elegance; she seemed to be of an inferior rank. + +I hardly noticed her, I was wholly engrossed by her charming companion. +The way in which she lifted her arm to throw the shuttlecock, the eager +look in her eyes when she raised them to await the coming one, her +delight when the shuttlecock described a circuit in the air, the shake +of her head at any failure, every gesture was in itself a picture of +youthful charm and vigour. + +I clearly felt that my fate was sealed, and for the first time in my +life I surrendered myself to the sensations which overpowered and +ensnared me. In the midst of this rapture, I considered how I could +draw nearer to her without startling her, when chance--no auspicious +fate--came to my aid. The shuttlecock, which had been sent up high into +the air, flew over the top of the oak-tree under which I was concealed, +and fell at some distance into the neighbouring fields. She looked +anxiously after it. I do not know whether she then perceived me, but +when I instantly sprang after it and re-appeared on the wall with it, I +noticed that her dark eyes turned towards the place where I had stood +with an astonished and displeased expression. The other girl shrieked, +and ran up to her, whispering something which I did not understand, but +I could see by her gestures that she urged her to immediate flight The +fair creature however did not listen to her, but waited quietly till it +should please the stranger to restore her property. When I delayed, +quite absorbed in my admiration, her face assumed a haughty and defiant +look, and she turned coldly from me. I held up the shuttlecock and with +a hasty gesture entreated her to remain. Then I took from my neck a +velvet ribbon, to which was attached a gold locket in the shape of a +heart containing my sister's hair, fastened them carefully to the +feathered ball, and threw it towards her. Fortunately it fell just at +her feet, and lay on the light gravel of the walk. + +She took a few steps with a most stately air, and picked up the +shuttlecock; and noticing the locket she darted a quick and flashing +glance at me which pierced me to the very narrow. + +Her companion approached her, and seemed to make some inquiry. She did +not answer, but silently put the shuttlecock and the trinket into her +pocket, and then with inimitable dignity, waved the shuttlecock which +she held in her hand towards me thanking me, as a princess might, for +an homage due to her. + +Then she turned and walked slowly towards the house without once +looking back. + +I now had no further pretext for remaining perched on the wall, and I +dared not make another attempt to see her again on that day; and then +what would have been the use of it, had I not gained my point for the +present. She had evidently recognized me. My re-appearance sufficiently +expressed my feelings. I had laid my heart at her feet; she had +accepted it, and it was now in her possession. Ought I not to leave her +time to think over all this. I was so agitated that had I met her then, +I should only have been able to stammer out some confused words like a +person in a fever. + +That night I slept but little, but in the course of my life I never +again lay awake and counted the hours with so much pleasure. + +At day break I rose, entered the picture gallery as soon as it was open +and remained sitting before the St. Cecilia for full two hours. There I +searched my inmost soul as before a clear mirror. I felt that the spark +which had reached my heart was of the true heavenly fire, and not a +transitory illusion of the senses. Those two hours were wonderfully +sweet. It was an anticipation of future bliss and at the same time an +exceeding happiness as if she were sitting close to me, and I felt her +heart beating against mine. The St. Cecilia before me, her eyes calmly +turned heavenwards, could not have had a purer foretaste of the +celestial joys than I had that morning. Again I waited till the time +for the siesta had passed, before I turned my steps towards the villa. +But this time I did not content myself with merely looking through the +bars of the gate. I boldly pulled the bell and was not even startled by +the endless jingle it produced. The little dog rushed, barking +furiously, on the balcony, and out of a small side door, which was next +a larger glass one, issued a little man with enormous grey moustachios +which gave him a ridiculously martial appearance. He approached the +gate with evident astonishment at the unexpected visit. I repeated the +sentence without faltering which I had rehearsed previously: I was a +stranger and intended to publish a book about Italy, and amongst the +rest I wished to introduce a chapter on the country houses of Bologna. +So it was of great importance to me to be allowed to examine this +house. Particularly as it was built in the old style, and was in many +respects remarkable. + +The old man did not seem to understand this. "I am very sorry sir," he +replied, "but I cannot admit you. The villa belongs to General +Alessandro T.... under whose command I served. I know your country +well, sir, I marched through Switzerland under Bonaparte. Afterwards +when all was at an end and my wounds became troublesome, my general +transferred me to this quiet post; and when he married for the second +time, he entrusted his daughter to my care, for you well know sir, how +it is when the daughter is handsomer than the young step-mother. So we +live here in great retirement, but the Signorina wants for nothing, for +her papa sends her some handsome present nearly every week; the best +masters come to teach her singing and languages, and my own daughter is +an excellent companion for her. Only she never goes up to town, her +step-mother does not care to have her there, but that does not distress +her, so long as her father is allowed to come and see her, once a +month. Every time he comes, he enjoins me over and over again to keep +his child as the apple of my eye. And on the Sundays when she goes to +hear mass, Nina and I accompany her and never lose sight of her. What +do you expect to see in this old house? I assure you it does not differ +in any respect from other villas, and nothing remarkable grows in the +garden. There is no need to put us in some book; what would my master +say to it. Possibly I might lose my situation notwithstanding my old +age." + +I tried to appease him, and succeeded if not with words, at least by +pressing a gold piece into his hand. + +"I see," he resumed, "you are an honest young man, and would not be the +ruin of an old soldier. If you persist in your wish, I will lead you +through the house, so that you may satisfy your curiosity. I can do so +the more easily, that the Signorina is just now at her singing lesson, +so she will not know that I have admitted a stranger." + +He unlocked the gate with a heavy key and preceeded me towards the +house. The ground floor partly consisted of a large cool hall, from +which the sun was shut out by closed Venetian blinds, and heavy +curtains. True to my assumed character, I begged him to let in some +light so that I might see the different paintings which hung on the +walls. They were all family portraits of little value; only one of them +which hung above the chimney piece engrossed my attention. "This is the +mother of the Signorina," said the old man, "I mean the real mother, +who has been dead these fifteen years. She was a handsome woman; the +people here called her the beautiful saint. Her daughter is very like +her, only she is more cheerful. She resembles a bird, who always merry, +hops up and down in its cage." + +"She seems to possess the voice of a bird, as well," I remarked, with +all the indifference I could assume, "if that is hers which we now hear +above us." + +"You are right," said the old man. "The director of the Opera in town +comes here twice a week. When her papa (_il babbo_ he called him) pays +her his monthly visit, he always stays many hours, and she sings all +her new songs to him, and then the poor old gentleman feels as happy as +if he were in Paradise. He has not many joys, and without that child he +were better in another world." + +"What is the matter with him," I asked, "is he ill?" + +"As you take it;" replied the old man, with a shrug of his shoulders; +"I for my part would prefer death to such a life. For those who knew +him when he was still in the army--the giant of Giovanni de Bologna on +the market-place, does not look more high spirited, and chivalrous, +than did my general--And now! it breaks my heart to think of it. The +whole day long he sits in his arm-chair by the window, and cuts out +pictures or plays at dominoes--It seems as if he neither heard nor saw, +but when his wife speaks to him, he looks up timidly and nods +acquiescence to everything she says. Only with regard to the Signorina +he has remained the same, and is not easily to be deceived. Those who +attempted it would soon perceive that the old lion's paws have still +some strength left in them although his claws have been cut." + +"But how came he to sink into that melancholy condition?" + +"No one knows. Many things have occurred in this house but the outer +world only whispers them. My belief is, that, that woman; I mean to say +her Excellency, the young Signora struck his heart a deadly blow and he +has never recovered from it. So he drags on the burden with which he +has loaded himself, as a resolute old soldier bears hunger and thirst +though he should dwindle to a shadow. Well, well, these are old stories +now, and cannot be altered." + +During this conversation we had ascended the stair, and were +approaching the room from which the singing proceeded. The voice had a +crude inflexible sound; it was a high youthful even boyish soprano. It +seemed as if she sang only to give utterance to her thoughts perfectly +careless of the sound. + +"What is the Signorina's name?" I asked, when we had reached the top of +the stairs. + +"Beatrice. We call her 'Bicetta.' Oh what a priceless heart is hers! My +Nina often says to me, 'Father,' she says, 'if the Signorina is to wait +for a husband worthy of her she will remain unmarried.' See here, Sir; +this is her sitting-room. There are her books. She often sits up half +the night, Nina says, and reads them in many languages. Adjoining is +the little bedroom where the two girls sleep. That picture there, above +her bed, represents my poor master in his General's uniform as he used +to lead us into action. That small figure in the background who +brandishes his musket is me, says the Signorina, and she has lately +added the grey moustachioes to give it more resemblance. But come away +Sir, there is nothing remarkable, in here, the furniture is old. The +General once wanted to furnish it anew, but the child would not hear of +it because everything had been left just as it was when her deceased +mother passed the first summer of her married life in this house. There +on the balcony she used of an evening to sit rocking her child's +cradle, and waiting for the return of her husband when he had gone to +town on business." + +I stept out strangely moved and stooped to caress the little dog who +wagged his tail and licked my hand. Every word which the faithful old +man spoke added fuel to the fire which burnt in my breast, and the +voice in the adjoining room fanned the flame with its breath. + +Fearing to betray myself, I talked of the way in which the grounds were +laid out, about the inlaid table of mosaic work, which stood in the +middle of the room; of the faded fresco painting on the ceiling. I +could not tear myself away though my guide grew impatient. + +Suddenly the singing ceased; the door was thrown open, and she appeared +on the threshold, holding a sheet of music in her hand. She had never +been so near me, yet I did not discern her features more distinctly +than I had done before. + +Everything seemed to dance before my eyes I only remarked at the first +glance that she wore my locket round her neck. + +The old man started back at her appearance and stammered out some +clumsy excuse, at the same time stealthily pulling at my coat. + +"Never mind, Fabio," she said, "you can shew the gentleman all over the +house, and through the grounds, if he cares to see them." Then turning +to her companion, who sat on a low chair with some embroidery in her +hand; "You can go with them, Nina. But stay I will first tell you +something." She whispered some words to her, her eyes always fixed on +me, and then bowed gracefully, to me, who could not utter a word. In so +doing she pressed her right hand as if involuntarily on her locket, +then returned to her singing-master, who had watched this interlude +with curious eyes, and the lesson was quietly resumed whilst we three +ascended the next flight of stairs. The old man's daughter walked +before us and at every turn of the steps, she examined me with a +pensive look but did not speak a word. Only when we had entered the +garden, she said to her father: "Bicetta charged me to pluck two +oranges for the gentleman. She thought he might be thirsty after his +long walk. We will pass by the fountain where they are ripest." I +followed them as if in a trance, and looked up at the house towards the +window from whence we could still hear her voice. The blind was +partially drawn up, so I could perceive her standing in the apartment. +I fancied that she turned, and followed me with her eyes. Nina also +looked up, and then at me. I did not care to hide my feelings from her, +I even wished to make them known to her. But as her father was present +I could only whisper to her, when we reached the gate and she gave me +the oranges: "Express my thanks to the Signorina, and tell her that she +will hear more of me. Give back one of these oranges to her, and tell +her when she eats it...." + +But before I could finish the sentence the old man came close to us. He +took leave of me with much less amiability than he had admitted me. + +I repeated my promise not to betray him, but another suspicion seemed +to weigh on his mind, for his honest face remained gloomy. + +I passed the night in writing a long letter in which I disclosed to her +the state of my feelings and placed my future happiness in her hands. +Even in those moments of absorbing passion the step which I was blindly +taking appeared to me somewhat wild and romantic, but I took up the +orange which lay beside me on the table, pressed it to my lips, and +closing my eyes represented her to my imagination as she stood on the +threshold, gave me that long and loving look, and bowed laying her hand +on the locket. + +After having written the letter I slept very quietly, and only awoke +when it was broad daylight. I again waited for the approach of evening +before I took the decisive walk as my own letter carrier. + +Fortune smiled on me. I had composed a most impressive speech, with +which I hoped to persuade the old man in case he refused to deliver the +letter. But this time Nina came to open the gate. The intelligent girl +did not seem the least astonished at my reappearance. She took the +letter unhesitatingly, but when I asked her if she thought the +Signorina would send an answer, she assumed a diplomatic tone, and +said: "Who can tell?" I told her that I would return to-morrow at the +same hour, and begged her to await me at the gate, so that I need not +ring the bell and let her father into the secret. + +"My father!" she exclaimed laughingly. "We are not afraid of him. +Bicetta need only smile on him and then she can twist him round her +little finger in spite of his savage air--Come somewhat later +to-morrow; we have our drawing lesson just at this hour, and cannot +send away the master for your sake. Will you do so?" + +A carriage now rapidly approached the gate. I had just time to whisper +"yes" to the girl before she silently vanished. Then I hastened away +for I did not wish to be seen before that gate. + +The carriage drew up before the house and my greybearded friend, the +steward, jumped from his seat beside the coachman and assisted a tall +white haired old gentleman to descend from the carriage. I recognized +him at once to be Beatrice's father from the resemblance of their +features. He walked with unsteady steps, stooping forward, and rubbing +his hands, while a delighted smile overspread his countenance. A +footman took a basket of flowers, and several parcels from the +carriage, and carried them after him. I pressed close to the wall so +that I escaped notice, and at the same time could watch the whole +scene. Before the bell had been rung, the door flew open, and the +slender white figure of Bicetta clung to her father, who threw his arms +round her neck with a touching tenderness, and partly walking partly +carried by him she disappeared into the house with the old gentleman. +The others followed, and with a pang of envy I saw the gate close +behind them. How the remaining hours of that day, and the following +night passed I know not. It seemed to me that a constant twilight +surrounded me, a sweet lethargy overpowered me, and a celestial harmony +filled my soul. Strange to say though I generally felt little assurance +in my intercourse with women notwithstanding my reputation as a good +looking young fellow, this time I confidently awaited the decision of +my fate, no more doubting that I possessed her heart than I doubted +that the sun would rise on the morrow. Only the hours that must pass +before I could hear it from her own lips, appeared endless to me. I +must here mention an adventure which I had next day in one of the +churches. As I roved about the streets hoping by continual movement to +restrain my impatience, almost unconsciously I entered a church. +Neither paintings, nor pillars, nor the people who knelt before the +altars could awaken any interest in me at that moment. My thoughts were +far away, and I even forgot to tread softly though mass was going on, +till the angry mutterings of ah old woman made me aware of my unseemly +behaviour. So I stood still behind a pillar, and listened to the music +of the organ and the tinkling of the bells, and inhaled the smoke of +the incense. + +As I absently surveyed the kneeling multitude--I, the son of a rigid +calvinist, of course abstained from that devout practice.--I remarked +on one of the more retired chairs, just in front of me, a pair of dark +blue eyes, underneath a white brow, surrounded by auburn curls. Those +eyes were fastened on me, and never changed their direction during the +whole service. + +I confess that at any other time I would have replied to that mute +appeal, but on that morning I was perfectly insensible to any +allurement, and should probably have left the church if I had not +feared to cause a second disturbance. When mass was ended, the handsome +woman hastily rose, drew her lace veil over her head, and walked +straight up to me. Her figure was faultless, perhaps somewhat too +plump, but the agile grace of her movements gave her a very youthful +appearance. In the white ungloved hand which held her veil together, +she carried a small fan with a mother of pearl handle. When she was +close to me, she partly opened this fan, and moved it carelessly, +whilst her eyes were fixed on mine with a quiet but significant gaze. +When I appeared not to understand her, she tossed up her head, smiled +haughtily, so that her white even teeth glittered, and rustled past me. +A moment later I had forgotten this interlude; yet all my joy had +suddenly vanished. As the evening approached, I felt more and more +uneasy, and when the appointed hour struck I dragged myself towards the +villa like a criminal who is to appear before his judge. I started back +when instead of Nina, whom I had expected I found her father waiting +for me at the gate. But the old man though he looked very morose, +nodded when I appeared and beckoned to me to approach. "You have +written to the Signorina," he said, with a shake of his head, "why have +you done so? If I had thought you would do such a thing, you should +never with my consent have entered the house. Oh, my poor dear +Master--after all my promises to him--and who knows what will be the +end of it. I dare not think of it all." + +"Dear old friend," I replied, "nothing shall be done behind your back. +Had you been at home yesterday, I would certainly have given you the +letter, and as for that, you could have read it and convinced yourself +that my intentions are most honourable. But tell me, for heaven's +sake?" .... + +"Come now," he interrupted, "do not let us waste our time. You are an +honourable young man, and besides, how can such a poor old fool as I +am, prevent these things, even if I tried it. Believe me, sir, she is +the mistress, in spite of her youth. When she says: 'I will!' no one +can resist her. Now, she will see you; she wishes to speak to you +herself." + +All my senses reeled at these words; I had hardly dared to hope for a +letter and now this!-- + +The old man himself seemed moved when I impetuously pressed his hand. +He led me towards the house, and as on the previous occasion we entered +by the side-door into the large hall on the groundfloor. This time all +the curtains and jalousies were opened, to let in the red glow of the +setting sun; two chairs stood opposite the chimney, and from one of +them the figure of the girl, so dear to me, arose and took a few steps +towards me. She held a book in her hand and between its leaves I saw my +letter. Her abundant hair was tied up this time and a black ribbon was +twined through it. On her neck I again noticed my locket. + +"Fabio," she said, "open the door towards the garden, and wait on the +terrace in case I should have some orders for you." + +The old man bowed respectfully, and obeyed. In the meantime we stood +motionless beside each other, and my heart beat so violently that I +could not utter a word. Her eyes were fixed on mine with a grave +expression partly of inquiry, and partly of wonder. + +A last she regained her full composure, and appeared to understand what +a moment before had been unintelligible to her. She stretched out her +hand which I eagerly seized, but dared not press to my lips. + +"Come and sit down beside me," she said, "I have much to tell you. Do +you see this portrait before us? It is my mother's; she died long ago. +When I got your letter I sat down before her and asked her what answer +I ought to give you. It seemed to me that she assented to nothing but +the truth. And the truth is, that from the moment I saw you in the +carriage, all my thoughts went with you, and there they will remain +till I die." I cannot express what I felt at these simple words. I fell +on my knees before her, seized both her hands and covered them with +kisses and tears. + +"Why do you weep," she asked and tried to raise me. "Are you not happy? +I am full of joyfulness. I have suffered much, but now all is blotted +out. Now I only know that we are firmly united and I can never again be +unhappy." + +She rose, I sprang up. Intoxicated with joy, I tried to press her to my +heart, but she gently stepped back. + +"No, Amadeus," she said, "that must not be. You now know that I am +yours, and will never be taken from you by any other man; but let us be +calm. I have considered the matter during the long night that has +passed. You cannot come here any more. I have promised it to poor +Fabio. This is the first, and the last time that we meet here. If you +repeated your visit I should soon have no other will but yours, and I +will never dishonour my father's name. Listen, you must go to him, you +will find no difficulty in introducing yourself in his house, so many +young men," she added with a sigh, "even perfect strangers are received +there. When he knows you more intimately, and has given you his +confidence, then demand my hand. You may also tell him that we know +each other and that I will never marry any other than you: All the rest +leave to me, and above all promise not to speak of this to my +stepmother; she does not love me, does not wish me to be happy. Oh, +Amadeus, is it possible that you can love me as much as I love you? Did +you not feel the first time we met, as if a flash of lightning had +fallen from heaven, as if the earth trembled and the trees and bushes +were on fire! I do not know how it occurred to me to throw a branch of +blossoms on the stranger who slept underneath his umbrella. I could not +even see your face; it was a childish trick, and I repented if it a +moment later; yet an irresistible impulse made me look once more over +the wall, and then when I saw you standing in the carriage and waving +the branch of pomegranate blossoms towards me, I was seized as with a +fever and from that moment you have always been before me whatever I +do." + +I had led her back to her chair, and holding her hand in mine, I told +her how I had passed the last few days. She did not look at me while I +spoke so that I could only see her fair profile. Every part of her +face, even the pure and spiritual palor of her complexion, and the +violet shade under her eyes, were full of expression. Then I too became +silent, and felt the warm blood rush through the delicate veins of the +small hand that lay clasped in mine. + +Old Fabio discreetly looked in, and asked if we wished for some fruit. + +"Later," she replied, "or are you now thirsty, Amadeus?" + +"To drink from your lips," I whispered. + +She shook her head, and looked grave, as she knit her finely pencilled +eyebrows. + +"You do not love me," I said. + +"Far too well," she replied with a sigh. + +Then she rose. "Let us walk round the garden," she said, "before the +sun is quite set. I will pluck some oranges for you. This time I need +not bid Nina do so." + +So we walked on, and she holding fast by my hand, asked me about my +country, my parents, and if the hair in the locket were my own. When I +told her that my sister had given it to me, she enquired after her. "We +will go and see her," she said, "she must love me, for I already love +her. But we cannot stay there. My father cannot live without me, I am +his only joy. You will come to Bologna with me, will you not?" I +promised all she desired. Nothing seemed impossible to me now that one +miracle had been performed, and she looked upon me with the eyes of +love. After that she became exceedingly merry, and we laughed and +chatted as happy as children, and ended by throwing oranges at each +other. "Come," she said, "let us have a game at battledore and +shuttlecock. Nina shall play with us, though she almost makes me +jealous, by constantly speaking of you. See, how she slips away, as if +she feared to disturb us. Might not heaven, and earth, and all mankind +listen to what we say?" + +She called her companion, and the good girl came up to us, gave me her +hand and said: "I hope, you will deserve your happiness. I would have +grudged her to any man but you. If you do not make her happy, Signor +Amadeo, then beware!" + +This menace was accompanied by so vehement and tragic a gesture that we +both laughed, and she herself joined us. + +On the lawn, where I had seen the girls at their play, we now all three +threw the feathered balls, and were soon as much engrossed with our +game, as if we had never had any more serious thought in our lives, and +had not decided on all our future happiness an hour before. + +Papa Fabio did not appear again. When the shade grew deeper the two +girls accompanied me to the gate. I was dismissed without a kiss from +those dear and lovely lips. I could only seize her hand through the +bars and press a parting kiss on it. + +What an evening! what a night! The people of the hotel probably thought +I was somewhat crackbrained, or an Englishman, which in their eyes +comes much to the same thing. + +On my way back I bought a large basket full of flowers which was +carried after me by the flower-girl. These I strewed about my room. I +ordered several bottles of wine, and threw a five franc-piece to a +violin-player in the street. Then I went to sleep in the refreshing +night air which entered by the open windows. I still remember the +sensations I had during my sleep, as if the vibration of the +terrestrial globe as it proceeded on its aerial course were re-echoed +by the pulsations of my heart. + +Not till the following morning did I remember that some obstacles had +to be surmounted before I could take possession of what was already +mine. I must get introduced to her father; and would he confide in me +with the same readiness that his daughter had done? Whilst I sauntered +through the arcades of Bologna considering these matters, propitious +fortune again came to my aid. I met the correspondent of our firm whom +I had visited the second day after my arrival; he was greatly +surprised, as he did not expect to find me still in Bologna. I alleged +some news I had received from my brother-in-law, as an excuse for my +prolonged stay. I said that a plan had been formed to found a branch +establishment of our business in Italy, with particular reference to +Bologna. My departure was necessarily delayed for an indefinite period, +and in the meantime it was my duty to form acquaintances in town. +Amongst the names of other distinguished families, I mentioned the +General's. Our friend did not know him personally, but a young cousin +of his, a priest was a frequent visitor at his house, and would +willingly introduce me. "But beware of the dangerous eyes of the lady +of the house," he continued, "for though she has not the reputation of +treating her admirers with much cruelty, yet your attentions would be +wasted, for the young count her present adorer, does not seem at all +inclined to relinquish his conquest." + +I joined in this bantering as well as I could, and we then made +arrangements for an introduction. + +In the evening of the same day I met the young priest by appointment at +one of the Cafes, and he then accompanied me to the general's house +which was situated in a very quiet street. It was a Palazzo of very +unpretending exterior, but furnished most luxuriously within. Thick +carpets covered the corridors through which we passed to reach the +apartment where every night a small circle of habitues assembled. + +Prelates of every rank, military men, several patricians, but only men, +formed the society. The young abbate never tired of expatiating on the +happiness of the fortunate mortals who were admitted to the intimacy of +that house. "What a woman," he sighed. He seemed to hope that his turn +would also come some day. + +When I entered I first perceived the old General. He sat in an +arm-chair, and opposite to him an old canon; between them stood a small +table on which they were playing at dominoes. On a low stool beside the +general lay a pair of scissors and some sheets of paper, on which were +depicted little soldiers; these he cut out, when he could not find a +partner for his game. A lamp hung above him, and in the full light, I +again remarked the astonishing likeness of his features to those of +Beatrice. I had hardly spoken a few polite words to the old gentleman, +who responded to them with a childish and good-natured smile, when my +companion hurried me away. I followed him into a small boudoir, where +the lady of the house was reclining on a couch, while a tall much +adorned young coxcomb sat on a rocking chair by her side; they both of +them seemed rather bored by this tete-a-tete. He was languidly turning +over the leaves of an album, and the fair lady embroidering some many +coloured cushion, and now and then she caressed with the point of her +brocaded slipper a large Angora cat which lay at her feet. + +By the subdued light of the sconces, reflected by numberless mirrors, I +did not at first recognize in the lady before me the fair devotee of +that morning in church, although the same mother of pearl fan lay on a +table near her. + +She was more quick sighted than I, and started up so vehemently at my +approach, that she lost her comb and her abundant hair fell over her +shoulders. The cat awoke and purred, the tall young man cast a +piercing look at me, and I myself was so startled as I recognized her, +that I was most thankful for my little companion's volubility. She +remained silent for a while, and looked at me with that same stedfast +gaze--which had made me feel uncomfortable in the church. + +Only when she observed the rudeness of the count, who tried to ignore +my presence, her face grew more animated. In a low caressing voice, +which was the most youthful part of her, she invited me, after +dislodging the cat, to sit down beside her. Then turning towards the +young man; "You can look over the music which I received to-day from +Florence, count, I will sing afterwards and you can accompany me." + +The young exquisite seemed inclined to rebel, but a severe look from +her blue eyes subdued him, and we soon heard him strike some accords on +the piano in the outer saloon. + +The young abbate was employed in cutting the leaves of some new French +novel, so I alone was left to court our fair hostess. Heaven knows I +envied them, and above all the old canon at his game of dominoes. From +the first words I exchanged with this woman, I felt an invincible +dislike to her, which increased in proportion to the efforts she made +to attract me. I had to summon all my prudence to keep up an appearance +of politeness, and to listen attentively to her remarks. My thoughts +were far away in the saloon of the villa, and between those glib and +clever words, I still heard the soft voice of my darling and saw her +eyes fixed on mine with a sad expression. + +In spite of this absence of mind and heart, the fair lady did not +appear to be displeased with my first attempt. She probably imputed my +embarrassment to a very different cause, and the fact that I had sought +to be introduced in her house, she certainly construed in her favour. + +She praised my fluency in the Italian language, but remarked that I had +a Piemontese accent, that I could not find a better opportunity of +correcting this, than by frequently joining her friendly circle. Then +she begged me to consider her house as my own, provided my evenings +were not otherwise engaged. She had melancholy duties to perform, she +said with a sigh, and a glance towards the adjoining room, from whence +was heard the good natured laughter of the old gentleman as he had won +his game. Her life, she continued, only began with the evening hours; I +certainly was very young, and the society of a sad woman, grown grave +before her time, would hardly attract me. But so sincere a friend as I +should find in her was worth some sacrifice. I greatly resembled one of +her brothers, who had been very dear to her, and whom she had early +lost. She had noticed this likeness in the church, and for this reason, +she warmly thanked me for my present visit. She cast down her eyes with +well assumed embarrassment and then with a smile stretched out her hand +to me which I slightly touched with my lips. "As a pledge of +friendship," she said in an undertone.--Fortunately some new arrivals +spared me an answer which could not have been sincere. The new comers +were dignitaries of the church, men of the world, who treated me, as +they would an old acquaintance. The count also returned and whispered a +few words to her. She arose and we all followed her into the saloon +where the piano stood. She sang the new airs and her Cicisbeo +accompanied her. + +Her fine voice poured forth trills and cadences and I could remark that +between times she glanced towards the dark corner where I leaned +against the wall, and mechanically joined in the general applause, at +the end of every song. + +My thoughts wandered to the villa where I had heard another voice so +dear to me. Liveried servants entered noiselessly, and offered ices and +sorbets on small silver trays; the music ceased and an animated +conversation commenced. The old general now appeared leaning on his +stick, and seemed delighted at having won six games consecutively. He +asked me if I ever played at dominoes, and on my replying in the +affirmative, he invited me to return next evening, and try my luck with +him. He then called his valet as it was his usual hour for retiring to +rest. This was the signal for departure. I obtained a significant smile +from the lady of the house, and I hastened to leave the rooms before +the rest of the company. I longed for solitude to shake off the +unpleasant impressions of the evening. Yet I could not get rid of these +sensations till next day at dusk, when I again directed my steps +towards the villa. I well knew that I should not be admitted, but I +hoped, between the bars of the gate, to catch a glimpse of her dress or +of the ribbon on her straw-hat. + +I found her on the balcony alone, and her eyes were turned towards the +road as if she expected me. For a short while we were contented to +express our feelings by looks and gestures. Then she signalled to me +that she would come down, and a moment later she issued from the +lateral door, and approached me blushing with love and happiness. She +gave me her hand between the bars, but when I asked her if she would +not admit me, she shook her head gravely, and laying her hand on her +heart, she said, "Are you not here, nevertheless?" We were soon engaged +in exchanging sweet and childish words of love, till I told her of my +yesterday's visit to her father. When I spoke affectionately of him, +she suddenly seized my hand, and before I could prevent it had pressed +it to her lips. I did not mention his wife, and her unseemly behaviour. +She understood my silence. "Return to him," she said, "and do all you +can to please him; he cannot fail to love you." Finally, when I begged +her for a kiss, she approached her cheek to the bars, but hearing the +trot of a horse coming down the road, she speedily fled. So I had to +leave her with an unsatisfied longing in my heart. I confess that for +the first time I doubted the strength of her love. I knew how strictly +girls in Italy keep back their feelings, only to give them more free +course when they are once married. But why grudge me a kiss from her +lips even when separated by the bars of a gate. Then again I thought of +all she had said to me, and of the looks which had accompanied her +words and felt tranquilized. + +Of course in the evening I punctually appeared in the General's rooms, +and he ordered me at once to the dominoe table. The company was much +less numerous than the day before. The old canon when I took his place +retired to a niche near the window, and was soon snoring comfortably. + +This time the lady of the house did not remain in the boudoir, but sat +on a sofa not far from our table, greatly to the annoyance of her +adorer who sat sulkily opposite to her. She had given him a novel, and +she bade him read to her. He made many blunders, and last threw down +the book with an oath, common in this country but certainly not fit for +drawing room society. + +The lady then rose and beckoned to him to follow her into the next +room, where a passionate but whispered dispute took place. We heard +that she threatened never to receive him in her house again unless he +altered his behaviour. + +The old gentleman who had been very happy at is success in the game, +listened for a moment. "What can be the matter?" he asked. I shrugged +my shoulders. A strangely anxious look passed over his face. He sighed, +and for a moment seemed irresolute as to whether or not he ought to +interfere. Then he sank back in his chair, and appeared to be lost +in dreams. The canon awoke, took a pinch of snuff and offered his +snuff-box to the General; this restored his equilibrium, and we resumed +our game. When I at last rose to depart, he begged me to return soon; +he preferred me as a partner, to the old canon. These words were spoken +in a most amiable tone and accompanied by a cordial pressure of the +hand. Altogether in spite of his weaknesses, he still retained the +manners of a gentleman of the old school. His wife dismissed me more +coldly than the night before, but this seemed to me to be only for the +count's sake with whom in the meantime a reconciliation had taken +place. + +I was right. The following evening, when the count was prevented by +some excursion from appearing at his usual post, her efforts to lure me +into her nets were redoubled. I assumed the character of an +unsuspecting young man who from sheer respect neither hears, nor sees, +nor understands anything, but she was evidently not duped by it. +Probably the unsuccessfulness of her efforts provoked her, and incited +her to conquer at any price my real or feigned coldness. She was so +carried away by her vexation that she lost all command of her feelings, +and could not master them even when the count returned. Of course all +the rest of the company noticed how matters stood. The correspondent of +our house did not neglect to inform me of the rumours which were +current in the town. He congratulated me on my good fortune, and little +guessed how uncomfortable I felt at his words. I perceived that I must +no longer delay in declaring my real intentions. + +A conversation I had with the young count precipitated this decision. + +One evening when I returned to my hotel I found him waiting for me. He +saluted me with frigid politeness and requested me in a curt, and +concise manner either to discontinue my visits at the General's house, +or to expect an encounter of a different nature. Being a stranger I was +probably unacquainted with the customs of the country, otherwise he +would not have taken the trouble of giving me warning. + +I begged him to wait twenty-four hours, and he would then perceive how +absurd was any idea of rivalry between us. He looked surprised, but as +I did not give any further explanation, he bowed and departed. + +Early the next morning, for I knew the old gentleman was up betimes, I +asked for an interview with him, and was ushered into his bed-room, +where he sat smoking a long Turkish pipe. He was rummaging in several +card boxes in which all his treasures consisting of cut out pictures +lay around him. When he saw me he stretched out his hand with evident +pleasure, thanked me for visiting him in the morning, and offered me a +pipe. When I declined this he pressed me to accept as a token of +remembrance several cut out soldiers on which he set particular store. +I felt heavy at heart when I reflected that my future happiness +depended on this poor old man. But to my astonishment the expression of +his face completely changed when I mentioned his daughter. He became +grave and silent, and only the intent look in his eyes betrayed, that +even on this theme, he could with difficulty collect his thoughts, I +concealed nothing from him. Beginning with our first meeting, I related +every circumstance up to the last hours. He now and then nodded +acquiescence, and when I told him of my love for her his eyes glistened +and he raised them heavenward with a deep emotion which shed a sort of +glory over his features. + +Then I spoke to him of my circumstances and expressed the very natural +wish to take my young wife--provided he should entrust his child to +me--to my own home; assuring him however, that I was quite willing to +remain in his neighbourhood for several years, as I could never tear +her from him. He seized both my hands when I said this, and pressed +them with more vigour than I could have believed possible in so weak +and worn out an old man. Then he drew me into his arms, and without a +word kissed me till his strength failed him, and he sank back into his +chair. After remaining so for a few moments he made a sign to me to +help him to rise, and when he had regained his feet, he said: "I +entrust this treasure to you my son, and thank my God, that I have +lived to see this day. Come we will go and tell it to my wife. From the +first moment I saw you I felt sure that you had a kind heart. If I had +ten daughters I could not see them better provided for. But did you +ever see such a naughty child? Fie, fie, Bicetta! meeting a lover when +your old babbo's back is turned, but they are all alike when love is in +question, and where their heart is concerned they are not to be +trusted, no, not one!" + +He sighed and his face took an expression partly of anxiety, partly of +sorrow. Perhaps some recollection troubled his mind. A moment after he +again embraced me, pulled my hair, called me a traitor and a hypocrite, +and finally seizing my hand, he drew me towards his wife's apartment, +which was situated at the other side of the house. + +In the ante-room a maid advanced to meet us; she looked at me with +wondering eyes, and only admitted the General to her mistress' room, +after having first announced him. She then begged me to wait as her +mistress was not yet dressed for receiving. I heartily rejoiced at +this, though the time I had to wait seemed interminable. + +I could not distinguish what was said in the adjoining room, but the +General spoke in a louder and more commanding tone than I had ever +heard from him before. A long and hurried whispering followed, till at +last the door opened, and the General issued forth erect, and +triumphant as if he had won a battle. + +"Beatrice is yours my son, the affair is decided. My wife sends her +best wishes to you! At first she made some ridiculous objections. You +see a cousin of ours, a young fop who is now in Rome, said to her +before he left. 'Keep Bicetta for me, I will marry her on my return.' +This was only in fun, but you and I, we are in earnest, so you shall +have her Amadeo. It is true," he continued, with a sigh, "that I let +many things take their course, I am an old man, and the reins often +drop from my hands, but on some occasions Amadeo, I take up arms again +and then I am not to be daunted. I now solemnly promise you that +Beatrice shall be yours. Come back this evening; you will find her +here. Embrace me my son, make her happy; she deserves to be rewarded a +thousand fold for the love she bears her old father." + +He only left me at the top of the stairs after folding me once more in +his arms. + +When I returned in the evening, I found the house brilliantly +illuminated. In the ante-room many people were assembled who eyed me +with curiosity. In the drawing-room the old General sat in his usual +place, and the Canon opposite to him, but to-day the dominoes lay +untouched on the marble table, for on her father's knees sat his +daughter, simply dressed, without any ornaments, only pomegranate +blossoms in her hair. Her arms were twined round the old man's neck as +if she felt uneasy in this society, and took refuge with her only +friend. When she saw me enter, she glided from her seat and stood +motionless as a statue before me till I took her hand. She cast a rapid +glance at the sofa where her step-mother sat, brilliantly attired, her +hair flowing over her beautiful bare shoulders, her round white arm +reclining on a crimson cushion. She evidently intended to outshine the +slender maidenly beauty of the young girl. At her side sat the tall +young count, who had now recovered the phlegmatic insolence of a +supreme sovereign. He nodded to me with a gracious condescension. + +When I turned towards them holding my betrothed by the hand, I noticed +a sudden palor on the woman's face, but she greeted, and congratulated +me with a most winning smile; offered me her hand to kiss, and then +embraced Bicetta who submitted to it with an impassive face; only the +trembling of her hand told me what she felt. + +After this we had to receive the congratulations of the company, and I +admired my darling who stood the flow of shallow words with which she +was overwhelmed with perfect calmness. The General contemplated her +with an expression of great delight. He bade us sit down in the +embrasure of one of the windows, where two chairs had been placed near +each other, and then he proceeded to his game with Don Vigilio. + +Bicetta and I soon forgot all around us. The hum of conversation did +not reach us. The dim light of a lamp which swung on a chain across the +street was bright enough for me to drink the deep draught of love from +the eyes of my beloved, and from her enchanting smile. On that evening +the company dispersed later than usual. Champagne was drunk, and an old +archbishop who was passing through the town on one of his pastoral +tours proposed the health of the betrothed. The venerable old man was +particularly affectionate to me. He made me take a seat in his carriage +and insisted on driving me back to my hotel. But hardly had we been a +moment alone together, when the reason for this remarkable +condescension appeared. "You are a Lutheran?" he asked. I assented, and +he continued with a benign smile; "You will not remain so. The great +earthy happiness you have found here, will lead you to a higher bliss. +Come to see me to-morrow, and we can talk more about this." + +I did not fail to appear, but he could not force me one step from the +path which I had traced for myself. I demanded the same liberty of +faith which I conceded to my wife. With regard to the children, she +might decide for them, till they had reached the age when they could +judge for themselves what was necessary to the welfare of their souls. +The artful old priest seemed well pleased with this beginning, and to +rely on the future.--As he was forced to leave the town, he committed +me to the care of a younger keeper of souls; a member of a religious +order, who set about the affair much more vehemently and clumsily so +that to prevent further unpleasantness, I broke off all intercourse +with him. This, I could perceive in the faces of certain of the +frequenters of my future parent's house, was greatly taken amiss, but +as the General's cordial manner remained the same, and the mistress of +the house continued to shew me a cool amiability, I bore it with great +equanimity. + +My betrothed, who was aware of my feelings, fully coincided in my +desire to cut short any further attempt of this kind. "What can they +mean by it?" she said. "There is only one heaven and one hell for us; +is it not so Amadeo? If I entered Paradise and found you not there, my +soul would turn back, and not rest till it had found yours." When she +spoke thus it seemed to me that I saw heaven open before me, and I +could not believe that any danger threatened our future happiness, or +even that any delay was possible. + +The wedding was fixed for October. I had made up my mind to bear this +interval of two months with all the patience I could muster. Only one +thing made me uneasy; I had announced my betrothal to my sister, and +brother-in-law, and had not received one line in return. + +I knew them too well to fear any objection on their part; only some +illness or some sorrow which they wished to keep from me could account +for this silence. So in spite of the happiness which smiled upon me, I +grew more and more uneasy. At last after three weeks of feverish +impatience, the longed for letter from my brother-in-law arrived. He +wrote that my sister Blanche had been dangerously ill after her +confinement, and that the state of her health was still so precarious +that he had not ventured to agitate her by the news of my engagement. +If it were possible, it would greatly relieve him if I could come home +for a short while. + +"You must go," said Bicetta when I had silently handed her the letter. +"You must leave this to-morrow. I will try and bear your absence as +well as I can. But you must write to me when you arrive, write to me as +often as you are able. How I long to go with you. But of course that is +impossible. Give my love to Blanche; tell her that she already lives in +my heart, and give her this kiss from her sister." + +She passionately threw her arms round my neck and pressed her lips to +mine. It was the first kiss she had granted me. Even when I had met her +alone, and entreated her both jestingly and earnestly not to be so +cruel, she had always remained inexorable. How often had I not felt +hurt at this reserve, but then she had only to speak a word, or to +stretch out her hand with that indescribable smile of hers, and my +doubts and displeasure vanished. + +I departed with the full persuasion that I should find nothing changed +on my return. The old general took leave of me with evident distress; +he could not cease to press me in his arms. His wife shewed great +interest in the illness of my sister, and so completely deceived me +that on my way home, I reproached myself for my former injustice +towards her, and mentally begged her pardon. + +Part of my luggage remained at the villa which had been my habitation +during the last weeks of my betrothal; Old Fabio and my friend Nina +faithfully ministering to my wants. I felt sure of returning in less +than a month, and hoped to bring back with me my sister and her husband +to the wedding. Nina in the meantime went up to town to keep Beatrice +company. + +Everything seemed to be arranged for the best, and this short +separation to be a sacrifice to the jealous gods before I was allowed +to enjoy complete happiness. + +At home I found matters better than I had imagined during the anxious +hours of my long journey. Blanche was out of danger, and it seemed as +if the pleasure of seeing me again and the joyful news I brought her, +hastened her recovery. Their accompanying me to Bologna however was +out of the question. My sister could not leave her child, and my +brother-in-law was detained by our business which had lately so much +increased that we could not both be spared. Yet they hastened my +departure, and indeed as matters stood my visit caused them more +anxiety than pleasure, for in spite of our firm resolve to write to +each other as often as we could, and though I faithfully adhered to my +promise of never missing a single post, yet not a line had reached me +from Bologna. During the first week of my stay I was inexhaustible in +finding some natural cause for her silence. But when I had remained a +fortnight at Geneva without a word either from my betrothed or any +member of her family, I was tormented with anxiety. My only comfort was +that no great misfortune could have happened to her without our +correspondent in Bologna informing me of it, but then again, how could +I know that he had not left Bologna, and should any letters have been +lost or intercepted, might not his too have been among the number? + +I felt that I must start for Bologna if I did not wish to go mad. The +state of my feelings as I travelled day and night is not to be +described. As I saw my face in the glass when I stopped to arrange my +disordered toilet before entering Bologna, I started back. It was +certainly not the face of a happy bridegroom, such as I had hoped to +return. + +It was early in the morning when my travelling carriage dashed along +the well known road. I called to the postillion to pull up at the +trellised gate of the villa. I jumped out with tottering knees, and +rang the bell violently. Some time elapsed before my dear old friend +Fabio appeared at the door. When he recognised me he started and +without taking time to button his old waistcoat across his naked chest, +he rushed to meet me with so disturbed a face that I called out in an +agony: "She is dead!" + +He shook his head and hastily unlocked the gate, but the fright had +completely taken away his breath, so that I could only draw out word by +word, a scanty unconnected explanation from him. He observed my pale +face and worn out looks, and wished to spare me, instead of which he +only cruelly tormented me by his dilatoriness. With many things which +had been schemed in the dark, he was unacquainted, for he had only +learnt the main points from Nina. I who well knew the actors never for +a moment doubted who had taken the principal parts in this fiendish +intrigue. Hardly had I left Bologna when that cousin from Rome +appeared, and brought forward his imaginary claim to the hand of my +bride. + +Had he come by order, or would he have arrived of his own accord even +had I not been absent I never knew. He cut a sorry figure Fabio said. A +life of gambling, revels, and adventures had considerably reduced his +fortune, but being the nephew of a cardinal, and of the old nobility, +he was still considered a good match. Bicetta had always disliked him. +He (Fabio) remembered that she had once boxed his ears for having +ventured to kiss his little cousin. Upon which he had laughingly vowed +to make her pay for it once she was his wife. Now the time had arrived +when he hoped to realize his threat. The step-mother and all those who +had most authority were on his side. They had frightened the poor old +general by predicting for him all the torments of hell, if he married +his only child to a heretic, till they had subdued and silenced him. +But whenever he looked at Bicetta his eyes filled with tears, and he +would sit for hours in his arm-chair, and sob like a child. He never +spoke to his wife for he knew that she was at the bottom of it all. + +"And Beatrice?" I asked, half maddened with rage and pain. + +"Ah Bicetta," replied the old man, "who can understand her! At first +when they urged her to renounce her heretic lover, she had answered: 'I +have pledged my faith to him in the sight of God, and I will keep it +though I should die for it;' so they could not persuade her. Then when +her cousin had come to pay his court to her, she had calmly told him: +'Don't trouble yourself Richino it is perfectly useless; even had I +never seen Amadeo I should never have loved you.' Then when he +attempted to take her hand and to play the gallant to her, she drew +herself up and said in the hearing of Nina: 'Miserable coward to lay +hands on another's property! Go I despise you.' She would not see him +after that yet she never sheds a tear though the marriage is decided +on, and she has quite left off begging and entreating her father, her +step-mother, or any one, even God I dare say. She no more received your +letters, than you did hers which I posted myself. It seems that the +officials at the post-office know what is expected of them when the +nephew of a cardinal wishes to carry off the bride of a foreigner. +Still it is surprising that she should have resigned herself so quickly +for she cannot possibly doubt your fidelity. Nina told me that they +threatened to shut her up in a convent if she did not marry her cousin, +and certainly a convent is not the proper place for our Bicetta, yet I +should have thought it preferable to a marriage with that man, when her +whole heart belongs to you. I for my part cannot make her out, and my +daughter too is in a perpetual state of amazement." + +So the good old man rambled on without venturing to look at me, whilst +I lay completely stunned on one of the chairs opposite the chimney. It +was the same in which we had sat our hands clasped in one another's the +first evening of our betrothal. I was quite incapable of thought; every +feeling even of love or of hate seemed paralyzed within me and all +vitality to have ceased, as the movement of a watch stops when a blow +has broken the spring. After a long pause I recovered my composure +sufficiently to ask when the marriage was to take place. "This +afternoon," replied the old man in a timid voice. Then I started up, +brought to my senses by the nearness of this fearful and decisive +event. Old Fabio seized my hands, and looked anxiously into my face. + +"Merciful heavens!" he exclaimed, "what are you doing. You know not how +powerful they are. If you were to appear openly in the streets, who +knows whether you would outlive the night." + +"I will go in disguise, I will stand face to face with this scoundrel, +and tell him that one of us must die. You surely have a pair of +trooper's pistols in good condition. They are all I shall want. Leave +me now." + +"First you must shoot me with them," he said, and clung so firmly to my +arm, that I saw no possibility of freeing myself from his grasp without +using force. "Think of Bicetta," he continued, "what would she say to +it." "You are right," I replied, and felt as if I were again deprived +of all energy. "I know not what she would say, but I _will_ know, or I +shall go mad. Let go my arm, and give me my hat. I will go to her; I +will burst open the doors which keep her from me, and when once I have +seen her then come what may." + +But he would not let me go. He led me back to my chair and said, "you +must surely be persuaded that no one so sincerely desires yours, and +the Signorina's, and the old general's welfare as old Fabio, so you +must listen to his advice, and not rush headlong to your own +destruction. If you imagine that you can reach her apartment, you are +greatly mistaken. The house is filled with servants on account of the +wedding, and you would fare ill if you desired to see the bride with +this face. Let me go to her; they cannot forbid me the entrance, +although the Signora does not regard me with favourable eyes. If it +should come to the worst, I can always send for my daughter; so if you +will write a few lines I promise to deliver them, and they will +certainly reach their destination with more safety than by the papal +posts. Sit down here by this window and write a few lines and if I am +not greatly mistaken in our Bicetta she will answer them. He ran to +fetch me writing materials, but I was in such a wretched state that I +could not even hold a pen, and the fury which raged within me drowned +every thought. + +"Never mind," said the old man, "there is no need to write. Is it not +sufficient that she hears you have come? If she then still consents to +this marriage, hundreds of letters would be of no avail." + +With this he left me, but first I had to give him my word that I would +not leave the house, which was now completely deserted, and that I +would open the door to no one but him. + +By this time day had dawned, and after bringing me some wine to +strengthen me, the old man departed, and I remained alone in the +death-like stillness of the house--I could not rest; I dragged myself +into the garden, to the orange-tree of whose fruit she had given me, +and to the pomegranate the blossoms of which had been her first love +token to me. She was always before me, and the more clearly she +appeared to me the less could I understand her apparent oblivion. + +Though I was greatly exhausted by my night's journey, yet I could not +swallow a morsel of bread nor drink the wine, but I sucked the juice of +an orange, and felt so revived that I seemed to have imbibed hope and +comfort with it. Then I returned to the house, ascended the stairs and +slowly walked through all the apartments. In her little room all +remained as she had left it; even the book which she had last read was +still open on the table. I began to read from the same page where she +had left off. It was an edition of the "Canzone di Petrarca" and I felt +soothed and refreshed by their gentle harmony. I shoved a low chair +into the balcony (it was the same on which she had sat as a child while +playing with her dolls), and threw myself into it with the book in my +hand. But after each verse my eyes wandered along the road in the hope +of seeing a messenger appear. I had grown calmer however, and no longer +dreaded the decision of my fate, yet I started wildly when the old man +appeared. + +"What news do you bring me," I called to him. But I knew all when I saw +his sorrowful countenance, as he turned towards me, and I rushed down +the stair case with, trembling knees. "Read this," he said; "perhaps +you will understand what it all means." + +I tore the paper from his hand. On it were hastily scrawled these +words: "My own dear love, what I am going to do, had to be done; do not +try to prevent it, only trust in me. I shall never be another's. You +will understand all when we meet again, and perhaps that may be before +long. Whatever happens I am yours only for ever and ever." On the edge +of the paper was added, "Remain concealed. If you are found out, all is +lost." + +Whilst I continued to stare at these few lines, the old man told me +that he had not seen her himself. Nina had been the messenger between +them; but even from her, he could not find out what he wanted to hear. +She only told him that the Signorina had not shown the least +astonishment at the news of my return. "I have long expected him," was +all she said; and while her maid was bringing in her bridal attire, she +had written the note quickly, standing at the window. Then she had +charged Nina to enjoin the greatest secrecy on her father, and to tell +him to take care of me. After that she quietly proceeded to unfasten +her hair which had to be dressed for the wedding. "She wrote these +lines," Nina added, "with the calmness of a person who is unable to +live any longer for the very agony of his pain, and writes down his +dying wish." She had always thought she knew her as well as she knew +herself, but in these last days she was a perfect mystery to her. + +Was it not the same with me? I who had fancied that I understood her +better than any one else, could I understand her now, though I read the +lines she had addressed to me over and over again a hundred times. Why +if she would not belong to any one but me, why did she not fly to me, +or take refuge in a convent till I had found means to liberate her. Why +did not the boldest and most adventurous scheme appear natural and easy +to her, rather than resignation to the fate which was forced on her, +and to the bearing quietly those hateful fetters which death alone +could tear asunder. + +Still there was something in those simple words which sustained me, +when I was on the point of despairing, and which silenced me when I was +on the point of giving vent to a burst of indignation or despondency. I +even slept a few hours, and could swallow a few morsels which my +faithful attendant had prepared for me. Not a word passed between us; +only when the hour of the wedding approached we had a violent dispute. +I insisted on attending it, and he opposed this to the utmost. At last +when he saw that my resolution was not to be shaken, he brought some of +his clothes and helped me to muffle myself up in them, and then pulled +an old torn straw-hat, which he generally wore in the garden, over my +eyes. I will accompany you Signor Amadeo, for I fear that you will lose +all command over yourself, and that you will require some one to +restrain you. He might have proved right had not the wedding guests, +and the bridal couple entered the church before we reached it, and the +crowd been so great that they stood pressed together, spreading over +the Piazza far beyond the church portal. + +I bitterly reproached the old man for having deceived me with regard to +the hour, but he vehemently asserted his innocence, and his ignorance +of the hour. + +So we waited amongst the crowd, and the sound of the bells, which were +ringing loudly, lulled me into my former state of dull torpor. Suddenly +the cry arose: "Here they come!" I should have sunk down had not Fabio +supported me. I kept myself up, so to speak, by fastening my eyes to +the church door, whence she was to issue forth. When she at last +appeared I was surprised that I could bear the sight, that it even +calmed me, although her husband was walking beside her. He was just the +man I had expected to see from Fabio's description. A creature I could +have felled to the ground at one blow. A smile hovered on his worn +features which made my blood boil. He nodded with a triumphant, and +lofty air to the people around him, and stroked the fair moustache on +his thin upper lip. + +She passed through the crowd without looking up, the expression of her +face was inscrutable, and her eyes were veiled by her long lashes. A +child offered her a bunch of flowers; she took it into her arms, and +kissed it, and I could even perceive a smile on her lips. Had not the +distance been so great, and Fabio watching me I should have pushed my +way through the crowd, and asked her how she dared to smile on such a +day. But the smile had vanished while I was reflecting on it. + +They got into their carriage, and drove off, followed by the parents of +the bride. The old General bending under the weight of his grief, at +the side of his proud young wife. Then came all the dignitaries of the +church who frequented the house. + +"The Archbishop performed the ceremony," said an old woman beside me. +"She would not marry him at first, but they say that the holy father +himself urged her to it. Nothing more has been heard about that other +one, the Lutheran."--"Aye, aye," replied another woman; "it seems that +his sister has died, that is the just penalty for refusing to abjure +his heresy."--And so their foolish talk went on around me. Fabio +dragged me away, and led me by a bye path back to the villa. I let him +do as he pleased with me; all my strength had left me. I was as +unconscious of my actions as a man in a fever, or a sleep walker. + +Even now, when I reflect on the past, I cannot understand how I bore +that day. My nature, generally so impetuous, appeared to be completely +subdued by the great bodily exhaustion caused by that hurried and +sleepless journey from Geneva, and I submitted unresistingly to these +horrible events. + +When I reached the villa, I staggered blindly. Fabio forced me to +swallow several glasses of strong wine in such rapid succession that I +at last sank insensible to the ground. + +When I recovered my senses, night had come on, and it was some time +before I could recollect where I was, and what had occurred. The clear +sky could be seen through the high panes of the glass door, and the +faint light of the new moon fell on the portrait of Beatrice's mother, +who I fancied looked sadly down at me from her place above the chimney. +Then only everything came back to my memory; then I remembered how +terrible was the significance of this night, and what future these +hours foreboded. Then a fearful agony overwhelmed me, and I was brought +to the verge of madness. I cried out aloud and the unearthly sound of +my voice as it echoed through the desolate house terrified me. I threw +myself down on the cold stone floor of the hall, and there I lay +writhing, pressing my face against the ground, and tearing my hair as +if bodily pain could stifle the despair which raged within me. Every +thought which sprung up in me, I willfully thrust back into the general +whirlpool which darkened and confused my mind. I would feel nothing, +think of nothing, but the terrible certainty that my heart's treasure +was now in another's possession; I could not cease from piercing my +heart with this thought, as though it were a poisoned dagger that would +make it bleed to death. At last worn out with this self destructive +frenzy I lay motionless in the dust. The cold stones of the floor +cooled my burning brow, and my tears ceased to flow. After some time, I +roused myself sufficiently to regain my tottering feet, and to crawl +into the garden. At the fountain underneath the evergreen oaks I washed +the tears and the dust from my face, and took a deep draught of the +tepid water, which nevertheless cooled my blood. + +I now considered what remained for me to do, but could not come to any +resolution. One thing, however, I determined on. I would write to her +the next day, and implore her to end this dreadful uncertainty; to rend +asunder the last tie which bound me to her. Then I remembered the words +of her note, but of what avail were they now to me? Now that I had seen +her come out of the church, and that day, and part of the night had +passed without bringing me any comfort. + +When I heard the clock strike midnight, and the moon disappeared I +could no longer bear the awful stillness of the garden, and I returned +to the hall. I lighted a candle and placed it on the mantlepiece; then +I drew a chair near it, took a small volume of Dante from my pocket, +and was soon deeply engaged in perusing the most gloomy and despairing +canto of his "Inferno." + +I had remained thus about an hour, when suddenly I thought I heard the +key turned in the lock of the garden gate. My hair stood on end. I +fancied in the first moment of terror that my poor darling had +destroyed herself, and that her restless spirit now sought me to suck +my heart's blood; but the next moment I had shaken off these senseless +ideas, and regained my composure. I arose and listened attentively in +the stillness of the night. + +The garden gate was opened. I heard steps on the gravel walk--some one +sought for the handle of the hall door; it opened and a youth in a +black cloak and hat appeared on the threshold. Suddenly the hat fell +back from the brow, and I recognized Beatrice. With a cry of joy we +rushed into each other's arms, and clung to one another as though we +could never be torn asunder nor our lips ever parted. + +At last she disengaged herself from my embrace, and her tearful eyes +turned on me with a sad mute gaze. "How pale thou art!" she said; "and +this is all my doing. But now it is all at an end. I have kept my word. +Here I am your own wife, and never another's, though I should suffer +for it in this world, and in the next. Oh! Amadeo, why is this world so +full of wicked people; why do they sully the purest, and revile the +most sacred feelings! Why do they force us to lie, and to perjure +ourselves in the very sight of God. We must say _yes_, with our lips, +while our hearts say _no_. They have brought me to this, that I can +only choose between two sins: either to deliver myself up to a man whom +I despise, or to slink like a thief in the night to one who in the eyes +of the world can never be mine. But God metes with another measure than +these cruel and selfish people; is it not so, Amadeo? He cannot bid me +break my faith to you. He never meant our destruction. I imprisoned in +a convent, and you alone in the world, without love, or joy. He has +destined you for me, and me for you, and now I am yours for ever. That +other one dared not touch me. When we were left alone together, I said +to him: 'If you ever try to approach me, to-day or at any other time, +you will have been my murderer, for I have vowed before God not to +survive the hour in which you dare to claim your right on me. I told +you this before our marriage and you still insisted on its +accomplishment. You then carried the point, now it is my turn.' + +"So I left him, and shut myself up in my room till I knew that every +one in the house was asleep. Nina then brought me this disguise, and +now I am here, Amadeo! The happiness of being yours would be too great +if I had not to strive and suffer for it." + +She clung to my neck and hid her glowing face on my breast. All the +ardour and passion which she had repressed with maidenly pride, and had +not even betrayed by a look, now burst forth in a sudden flame, and +threatened to set my whirling brain on fire. + +When we had at last recovered our power of thought, and speech, she +told me what had occurred after my departure; the intrigues of her +step-mother, the helpless efforts of her father to defend himself, and +his child, against the ascendency of the clergy; her useless attempts +to disarm and confound her enemy by the most unshaken sincerity. At +last, when she perceived that they would mercilessly separate her from +her father, and shut her up in a distant convent, from whence no letter +from her could reach me, she suddenly determined on apparent submission +to every thing for the sake of saving herself and me. "And, in fact, +they only desired an outward victory. What do they care whether my soul +is lost or not," she continued. "Did they ever blame the woman who +bears my poor father's name for indulging all her passions freely? They +are all of them the slaves of appearances, and they cannot bear to look +truth in the face, for it would put them to confusion. Oh! Amadeo, how +often did I form the resolution to fly to you, and then declare openly +that I am your wife, and shall be so to eternity. But you do not know +how powerful they are. Even if we started this very moment, and +travelled day and night they would overtake us, and that would be +certain death to you. Then my poor dear father also, he would not +survive the separation, and such a one, from me. But do not grieve my +love, we are now united and those who know our secret are faithful. +Pardon me, for not telling you of my coming in my note of this morning, +but I knew not for certain whether I should be able to accomplish my +plan, or whether that wretch might not strike me to the ground on my +refusal to acknowledge him as my master. And if I then had staid away, +should you not have suffered greater tortures than in this uncertainty? +You knew that I had pledged myself to you, and that I would keep my +word; that I would be faithful to you, and never belong to any man but +you.--I will return to you every night. The porter who is an honest +fellow, hates his present master, but would have died for you." + +She noticed that in spite of my happiness; my wife sitting on my knee, +that I was silent and thoughtful. "Why are you so sad?" she asked. + +"That we must obtain by fraud what is ours by right," I replied. "That +we must hide in darkness, and mystery as if we committed a crime in +keeping our vows!" + +"Do not think of that," she said, and passed her hand across my +forehead. "The future is unknown to us; we are only certain of the +present hour, and of our own hearts. Why should we not thank God for +it. He surely knows that it is best so. Come now; I am not going to sit +here as your lady love with my hands folded, and leave it to others to +minister to you. You must be half famished, and I too am hungry. I have +tasted nothing since last night. I remember perfectly where Fabio keeps +his provisions. I will go and prepare a wedding feast which will be +more joyful than the last one was, where I saw that every drop of wine +was turned to gall for my poor father." + +She rose, and hastened to the cellar, and larder. In the meantime I +pushed a small table into the middle of the room, and lighted up all +the bits of candle which remained in the dusty chandeliers. When she +returned with the plates and glasses, she stopped on the threshold with +a joyful exclamation. Then she laid the table and filled the glasses +with her own hands from the heavy wicker bottle. "Come," she said, "let +us drink to our future happiness, if your sister were but here I should +desire no other wedding banquet." After drinking this toast, she waited +on me, helping me to the cold meat and olives, persuading me to eat, +and doing the honours like a good little housewife. To please her I +swallowed some morsels though I felt no hunger. She too would hardly +take anything till I began to feed her like a child holding the +choicest morsels to her lips, then she laughingly opened them and +complied with my request. + +"Now I have had enough," she said, rising. "I must provide a better +couch for you than these cushions on the floor. Fabio never thinks +about such things. An old soldier like him hardly perceives whether he +is lying on the bare ground or on a feather-bed. To be sure the wisest +thing for you will be to take possession of my little room upstairs, +instead of remaining here where any body can look in, and betray you." +She took my arm and conducted me thither after we had put out all the +lights. As we passed Fabio's closet, I stopped to listen if he moved. +"Don't mind him," she whispered; "he knows that I am here. A short +while ago, when I fetched the wine, I met him coming from the garden, +where he had plucked the fruit for our wedding feast. He was nearly +beside himself with joy on seeing me; he wept, and kissed my hands. Now +he does not appear, for fear of disturbing us." + +The day had not dawned when she reminded me that we must part. I +insisted on accompanying her back to town, and when she saw the +disguise in which I had ventured out the day before, she consented. She +pulled her broad brimmed hat over her eyes and I wrapped her up in her +large cloak. We then left the house, and proceeded in the direction of +the town. We met not a soul--no lights burned either in the houses or +in the streets--the morning star sparkled alone in the pale azure of +the sky. A cool breeze came from the North. We hardly spoke a word +during our walk. My heart was oppressed, and she too when the moment of +separation approached, seemed to feel, for the first time, how +unnatural was our position. When we reached the house, she clasped me +in her arms with tears in her eyes and held me so for a while before +giving the appointed signal to the porter. "Expect me to-morrow," she +whispered, and disengaging herself from my neck she glided through the +half open door, and I was once more alone in the darkness. + +A bitter feeling came over me. So I had to resign her again, my own, my +bride, who had vowed to belong to no one but me; to leave her at the +threshold of a stranger's house, whose door was for ever closed to me. +Here I had to stand at the entrance, and if the master of the house +appeared, should have to hide in a corner, as a thief from the bailiff. +What would be the end of it? Would a life of so full of bye ways and +mysteries be endurable. Can that be called happiness which can only be +obtained at the price of daily torment, and anxiety? + +Before I reached the villa I had firmly resolved to put an end to this +insufferable position. From that moment I felt easy at heart, and as I +walked along the deserted road, could fully rejoice in the unalloyed +happiness which had been granted me, and I considered in its minutest +details how the plan which was to unite us for ever was to be +accomplished. + +In the garden of the villa I found the old man at work. I apprized him +of my scheme, and though he thought the execution of it would be more +difficult than I expected, he willingly agreed to do all I asked of +him, and this was no slight sacrifice at his age, the more so that he +would have to part with his daughter. But where Bicetta's happiness was +concerned, he had no will of his own. + +We both spent the day in preparations. More than once, while taking our +measures, I had occasion to admire the circumspection, and the +foresight of the old soldier. During the afternoon I slept, and at ten +o'clock at night, I was stationed at the gate of the town through which +she had to come. We had not settled that I was to meet her, so when I +stepped out of my lurking place, she started back but instantly +recognizing me as I pushed back my hat she gave me her still trembling +hand, from underneath her cloak. So we walked along gazing at each +other in silence, for we met several tardy wayfarers who were returning +to the town, and feared to awaken their suspicion should they hear a +soft woman's voice underneath that broad brimmed hat only when we had +reached the villa, and its comfortable hall where lights were burning, +and a rustic meal had been prepared for us by Fabio, she again talked +freely. She told me how she had passed the day, how long and dreary it +had appeared to her. Richino had treated her with a rigid coldness, +hoping to mortify her by it, and to force her to make some advances, +but before the world, her parents and their numberless visitors, he had +assumed the manners of a happy young husband. In the evening however, +he had bowed to her without a word, and had withdrawn to his apartment. +"This cannot last," I suddenly said, after a long silence; "It is as +unworthy of you, as it is of me. We must put an end to it. Your +decision alone is wanting. Mine is already formed." + +"Amadeo!" she exclaimed, and her eyes turned towards me with a +wondering look. "What can you mean? Separation! Oh death rather than +that!" + +"No," I replied, "fear not; I do not demand what is impossible to me as +well as to you. Leave thee my wife, my second self, truly that would be +death! But our present existence, is it not worse than death? A life +which must in time, kill the soul's freedom and dignity, and will +sooner or later cause our ruin. But even if it did succeed, which is +most improbable, if I could remain here concealed year after year, in +what a wretched state should I not drag through the weary days; idle +and solitary cut off from all society but yours; condemned to an +aimless, useless life, consumed by the torture of an obscure, and +worthless existence. But even if, in more favourable circumstances, I +could openly come to your horse as your declared lover I would not do +it; I could not brook this state of ambiguity and falsehood. I must be +able to acknowledge my feelings, and openly take possession of what is +mine. Do you now understand me my darling?" + +She nodded, and her eyes were pensively fixed on the ground.--"I know +how painful it will be for you," I continued, and took her cold and +lifeless hand in mine, "You feel that you must leave your father, +perhaps for ever, if he cannot summon courage enough to follow us; You +must leave your country, and all that is dear to you, and has taken +root in your heart from childhood upwards. You can no longer kneel in +the church on the same spot where your mother once prayed--You dread +the strange country all the more, that you will have to enter it as a +fugitive, and not with the rejoicings and honours due to a bride. You +imagine that you would not dare to lift up your eyes to those who love +you. Is it not so Beatrice?" + +She again nodded; then she looked up to me and said, "I will bear all +if it can make you happy." + +"My own love," I resumed clasping her in my arms; "You have full +confidence in me, have you not? You believe that I have carefully +considered what I owe to you, and to myself, and that I would not +shrink from any sacrifice so long as my honour is not concerned, and +that it does not lower me in your eyes. There is but one way of escape +possible from all the snares and fetters which our enemies have thrown +around us. You said truly that flight with the swiftest horses would +not save us: no, we must set about it with more caution, if we do not +wish to be overtaken. I have spoken to Fabio, he knows all the ways to +Ancona as thoroughly as he knows this garden. He will be our guide. We +shall travel on foot, dressed as peasants and only at night, once +there, we shall embark for Venice. Fabio too leaves all that is dear +and valuable to him, only for our sakes, in order that he may assist us +to recover our freedom and happiness. Are you courageous enough +Beatrice? Do you feel strong enough to undertake this journey at your +husband's side?" + +"I will follow you all over the world," she said, and pressed my hand; +"You shall have no cause to complain; I can do all you expect of me." + +I embraced her with great emotion. "Come, then, I said; let us take +some food to strengthen us for the journey." + +"To-night Amadeo? I implore you with all my heart, ask anything of me, +but that I should leave this without once more seeing my poor father, +without the sacred memorials of my mother which I keep at home. I +promise you that nothing shall alter my resolution, not a tear shall +betray me, when I kiss my father for the last time. I feel that without +that, without bidding him at least a mute farewell I should find no +rest, and the longing for home would kill me. As yet, we risk nothing. +No one knows that you are here, no one sees me coming, or going. I +shall not even acquaint Nina with our plan. To-morrow evening when I +leave my home, it shall be for ever; that I promise you. Grant me only +these few hours, and then, I shall be as entirely yours, as if I had +fallen from heaven into your arms, and had no other home than your +heart." She looked at me with an imploring expression which I could not +resist, although I felt uneasy at the slightest delay. I gave way to +her entreaties, and her gaiety then returned, and soon banished every +care from my mind. We supped together; Fabio waited on us, and not a +word more was said of our project. I then sent Fabio to his bed, and +brought in the dessert myself, and a bottle of sweet wine which she +liked to drink only a thimble full of, at a time, but even a few drops +of it sufficed to give her pale cheeks a rosy tint. Who could have seen +us, joyous as we were together, and have believed that we had obtained +these brief hours of happiness by stealth, and were enjoying them +clandestinely. + +She then drew me into the garden. "Let me bid farewell to all my +friends, to the pomegranate, the orange trees, the fountain. To-morrow +there will not be time for it." We walked arm in arm into the garden. +She drank once more from the marble fountain, put a few oranges +in her pocket, and plucked a spray from the pomegranate. "These +must go with me," she observed, "in your home in the north, these +things do not grow. I shall soon learn to do without them. And this +shuttlecock,"---she picked it up as she saw it lying forgotten in the +grass, "I will not leave behind. Our children," she whispered, and drew +close to me, "shall play with it, and you will tell them how you +exchanged your heart for one of these feathery balls." + +We had now reached the place where I had once looked over the wall. +There underneath the spreading branches of the trees, the sward had +remained fresh, and soft, and the air was pure, and free from dust. +"Let us pass the remainder of the night here," I said, "I will bring +some cushions from the house." I returned and brought a few, and also a +cloak for Beatrice. She wrapped herself up in it and soon slept calmly, +but it was long before I could find repose. I listened to her gentle +breathing, and gazed at her sweet face, with the closed eyes up-turned +to the grey sky. She murmured some indistinct words in a dream. I could +not understand them, but their soft tone still lingers in my ear. + +At last I too slept; I know not for how many hours. When I awoke, the +day had not yet dawned, but she was gone. A sudden fear seized me, why +had she left me? I jumped up to ascertain whether Fabio, at least, had +accompanied her. Hardly had I taken a few steps, when I heard the bell +at the garden gate pulled violently. In that moment a fearful +foreboding came over me, and forgetting all prudence, I dashed across +the garden, and round the house towards the gate. Nevertheless old +Fabio had reached it before me, and when I turned the corner, I saw him +trying to lift up a dark figure which had sunk down at the entrance of +the garden. + +"Beatrice!" I cried and rushed to the spot. When I reached it, she just +opened her eyes again, and supported by Fabio, she turned towards me +with a look of intense anguish and despair, but directly she tried to +smile again. "It is nothing Amadeo," she gasped out with a great +effort, her hand pressed to her heart. "Do not be alarmed, I do not +feel much pain. Are you vexed that I left, without awaking you? You +slept so quietly, and I thought there was no danger. How could he have +discovered that you were concealed here? Yes to be sure, I forgot to +tell you what Richino said to me yesterday at table; he spoke in French +to prevent the people from understanding him: 'Do you believe in +ghosts, Madame? If such things exist, they are welcome to roam about, +but if living creatures take it into their heads to play the +_revenants_, upon my honour, I will take good care that they are soon +turned into real phantoms.' + +"I fancied that these were only idle words. Alas, Amadeo, now I cannot +travel with you; you will have to go alone, and in this very hour. +Those two who were on the watch outside the garden gate, certainly +expected you to pass. They called to me when I was ten paces distant +from the gate, and asked for my name. I gave no answer, so they did +what had been ordered them. They did not succeed however; see I can +still walk and even speak. Leave me here and do not be uneasy on my +account. I shall not die. When I hear that you are in safety then I +will follow you. Go my darling husband--before the break of day--Give +me your hand--kiss me." + +Her voice grew faint; her knees could no longer support her. We carried +her, insensible, into the hall, and laid her on a low couch. When we +pushed back her cloak, and opened her coat, the blood streamed over our +hands. I bent over her; she heaved a deep sigh, looked at me once +again, and sunk back to rise no more. + +Let me pass over that morning in silence. + +When the sun shone through the glass door, it found me still kneeling +beside her couch, and gazing on her pale face. Old Fabio crouched in a +corner, and sobbed. + +Suddenly we heard her name called from without. Nina rushed in, and +with a loud cry, threw herself on the corpse. By her demeanour it +seemed as if she had been struck a deadly blow. Then in the midst of +her convulsive sorrow, she roused herself, and turning me she said, +"You must escape; I hastened hither to caution you and Beatrice. A +short while ago Richino entered her bedroom and sought her. I know now +for what reason; it was to tell her that the man she loved was dead. He +hardly expected it to end as it has done. When he perceived that she +was not in her room, he turned pale as death, and went away. But +believe me, he will come to seek her here, and if he finds those +dreadful marks on the path--listen! I hear footsteps approaching--they +are his. Fly! they forebode death to you." I replied not, but rose and +stood by the couch of my dead wife. + +The door opened and he entered ... + +Whatever he had meant to say, the sight before him turned him to stone. +He staggered back, and clung to the door post for support. His +cadaverous face was distorted by helpless horror. I saw that he +struggled in vain for breath. + +"What do you seek here?" I said at last. "You hoped to find me lying +covered with blood; your servants did your bidding promptly, but +unfortunately they mistook the person. So you are disappointed of your +malignant pleasure. You could not crown your deed by awakening this +unhappy woman, of whose heart not a particle was yours, with the +tidings that her lover was dead, and would never return. What hinders +me," I continued, approaching him, and clenching my hands with rage, +and maddening pain. "What hinders me from crushing you beneath my feet, +and casting you out of the house, so that you should no longer pollute +with your breath this sacred dwelling of the dead. If you had loved +her, miserable scoundrel, if you could extenuate your deed by a human +passion--but you would have taken possession of her, you would have +abased this noble soul to your own level, only for the sake of +gratifying your low desires, and because you were incited by others. +Go, I say, hide your face in eternal darkness. Assassin! I swear that +if you dare to stretch out your hand towards the dead, or cast your +eyes on her once again, I will tear you to pieces with my own hands! +Away with you!"-- + +In the midst of this outburst of my fury, I was silenced by the +expression of his face, on which an expression of intense pain +appeared. It seemed as if the ground reeled underneath him, as if it +were going to burst asunder and devour him. He did not look at any one; +he tried to raise his head, but sank down on the threshold completely +overcome and remained so for several minutes. I had to avert a sort of +pity, which I should have deemed a crime. When I had regained +sufficient composure to say a few last words to him, I saw him totter +like a drunken man towards the gate, and leave the garden. + +I then allowed Nina to take off Beatrice's man's clothes, and to dress +her in the same white gown in which I had first seen her. There she lay +smiling peacefully amongst the flowers which her faithful attendant had +brought from the garden and the conservatory, and so she remained +during the day. Nina had just concluded this last act of friendship, +when we heard a carriage approach the gate. Her father sat in it, pale, +and with an insane smile hovering on his withered lips. Fabio, with +scalding tears, assisted him to leave the carriage, and led him into +the hall. When he saw his child surrounded by the apparel of death he +dropped silently on his knees, and pressed his forehead on her folded +hands. When at last we tried to raise him, we found that a paralysis of +the heart had compassionately united him to his darling. + +In the following night we buried them both. No one was present but +Fabio, and Nina. Don Vigilio pronounced the benediction on the dead. He +told me afterwards that Richino had appointed it so, and had given +orders that all my requests were to be complied with as if I were +master of the house. He had received no visitors, and after a violent +scene with his mother-in-law, had on the same day left Bologna for +Rome. + +The widow of the General entered a convent for the time of her +mourning. I for my part when the earth had closed over the two coffins, +took horse, and before the day had dawned was on my way to Florence. + +A year after, I read in the papers that the widow of the General had +married the young count, her faithful admirer. But though I often +returned to Bologna to visit the grave of my wife I never saw either of +them again. + + + + + + BEGINNING, AND END. + + + + + BEGINNING, AND END. + + +In the deep bay window of an otherwise brilliantly lighted saloon, a +single candle, supported by the arms of a winged figure in chased +silver, shed its faint lustre. + +This soft shade was increased by broad-leaved plants, the last blossoms +of the season, and by a slender palm-tree whose delicate branches +arched gracefully above the entrance of this dusky bower. Two chairs +stood beside each other in the background, inviting to repose, out only +one of them was occupied. + +The slender figure of a young woman reclined in it, her head supported +by her arm. Those who suspected her of retiring from the gay company to +this verdant hiding-place in order to attract attention or cause a +search to be made for her wronged her. She thought not of the effect +produced by the delicate half shade of the palm-tree on her pure white +brow, nor of the soft moonshine-like reflex of the candlelight on the +shining waves of her dark hair. Neither did she take advantage of the +solitude around her, whilst a girlish voice was heard singing to the +piano at the further end of the room, to indulge in those reveries +which in the summer time of life so often take their abode underneath +the closed eyelids. In a word, she slumbered. The music to which she +had at first dreamily listened, had at last lulled her to sleep like a +tired child. She did not even awake when the song being ended, the old +gentlemen around applauded encouragingly, the piano stool was pushed +back, and the hum of the interrupted conversation again sounded through +the saloon with renewed vivacity. + +No one came to disturb her; she was a stranger in this society, and +besides there was a certain expression of grave reserve in her +countenance which did not encourage new acquaintances. + +It was her fate to be considered proud. She knew it, but the little +effort she made to dispel this error arose more from indifference than +contempt. A familiar voice which addressed her by her name at last +aroused her. She opened her eyes in some confusion and saw the master +of the house standing before her, and by his side a stranger whose +forehead reached up to the branches of the palm-tree. + +"Allow me to interrupt your meditation. Madam," said the host with a +smile. "I here present to you my friend, and cousin Valentine, who only +returned to Germany a few weeks ago, and a few hours since became my +guest. We must now try to retain him, and who could undertake this task +with more success than our fair country women." + +He had long left them and, still they remained opposite each other +without a word of greeting. His eyes were fixed on the red rose which +adorned her hair, and only a slight movement among the palm leaves +betrayed that the blood rushed vehemently through his veins. + +The lady's face was raised towards him with an earnest expression, as +if she were trying to solve a problem. Was the veil which sleep had +thrown over her eyes, not yet removed? Was this meeting only the vision +of a dream. But no, could a dream have the power of changing, as time +had done, the well known features before her; of thinning the curly +hair, and of drawing those lines above the eye-brows which she had +noticed at the first glance? + +The longer he delayed in addressing her, the deeper grew the blush that +suffused her cheek. Several times her lips parted as if to speak, but +still she remained silent, and fixed her eyes on the ground. Her fan +slid on the carpet. He did not pick it up. + +At last he said, "Madam Eugenie, permit me to call you so, for I have +just arrived here and have omitted to ask our host for your husband's +name; how strangely we meet in this life. I am truly astonished at my +want of presentiment which never foretold me by a sign from heaven or +from earth that I should find you here." + +"A special motive caused me to undertake this journey," she hastily +said. "I intend to put my son to school and I am told that there is one +here in which he will be well taken care of. I arrived to-day after +having spent a sleepless night in the carriage, and I must confess to +you that just as you came up, weak human nature, against all good +breeding, was on the point of making up for lost time. I tell you this +because the cool, and absent way in which I received you must have +seemed strange to so old a friend." + +She stretched out her hand to him. "I thank you," he replied, and his +face brightened, "for having remembered my small claim on your +friendship. Pray continue to treat me on the old footing, and resume +your repose, which I unfortunately disturbed. I will take care that no +one enters the bower: I can keep watch behind this palm-tree." + +She laughed. "No, I did not mean that. I am only too tired to converse +with perfect strangers. Come, sit down by me, if you will be satisfied +with my good intentions, and tell me how the past, and the present have +fared with you." + +"You will best be able to judge for yourself how it has fared with me +when I confide to you my situation at the present moment. My friend has +only invited me here for the sake of marrying me. He regards it as a +duty. What do you say to that? In what a sad state must not that man be +whose friends consider it their duty to render him harmless?" + +"You alarm me," she replied with a smile. "When I first knew you, you +were, if not actually harmless, at least far from causing so much +mischief that you had to be laid in chains for the sake of the public +safety." + +"You are deriding me, Madam. Ah that talent of yours, how well I know +it. This time however your darts did not touch me. My charitable cousin +fears not for others, but for my own safety. He believes that if I +continue to reside alone in the old castle which I have bought; +abandoned to my own crotchets, only occupied in catching hares and +helping the peasants in their agricultural affairs, which I do not +myself understand, that I should sooner or later lose the little sense +which he kindly presumes is left to me. You see he wishes to treat me +homeopathically, dispersing one folly by another. Perhaps he is right. +Those who have proved themselves incapable of regulating their lives +properly, should be grateful, should they not, to their friends for +taking the trouble off their hands, and quietly follow their advice; +but I fancy sometimes that their kind intentions have come too late for +me." + +"Too late? I must combat that assertion. Fourteen years have passed +since we last met, and if you did not then make yourself younger than +you were, you can hardly now have reached the prime of life." + +"Make myself younger! Good heavens! to do just the contrary would then +have conduced more to my interests. But of what are you reminding me +Eugenie?" + +"Is your betrothed young, handsome amiable?" she quickly resumed; "I +would not ask these questions which imply a doubt, if you had not told +me that you had authorized your friend to dispose of your heart, and in +these matters friends are not always to be relied on." + +"You greatly wrong our most amiable host," he said laughingly; "Not +only are these cardinal virtues not wanting, but all three of them are +three times combined." + +"Three times?" + +"I mean in three different samples, as I have been told; so it will be +difficult to choose." + +"And each of the three young ladies is desperately in love with you? +Then a twofold catastrophe is inevitable." + +"Up to this hour none of my destined brides know of my existence. Their +father----" + +"So they are sisters?" + +"Yes. A fair, an auburn, and a dark haired one. You see there is no +possibility of escape; Every taste is provided for. Early to-morrow the +merciless disposer of my heart, and hand takes me in his carriage, and +delivers me over to my destiny. They live in L---- not quite four hours +drive from this. Horse dealing is to be the pretext. The father who is +the doctor of that small town, has a thorough-bred grey Arab in his +stables." + +"You go forth as Saul the son of Kish. I hope you may return like him +with a kingdom." + +"If you but knew," he said pensively, "how little I covet that dignity: +is not a king fettered by his duties? To-day I am still free, so I take +the liberty of sitting down beside you, and of talking with you of that +happy time when I too was held captive, but by enchanting fetters." + +She remained silent while he threw himself into the second arm-chair, +and turned it so that he could see nothing of the company in the +saloon; but only the plants before him, and the charming face of the +young woman, lighted up by the solitary candle. Meanwhile the mistress +of the house had sat down to the piano, and began to play a waltz; and +soon the light branches of the palm-tree trembled in the whirlwind +caused by the passing couples. Eugenie silently watched the gay scene +before her. With her left hand she played with a gold chain, and in the +right, held carelessly a large bouquet on her lap. + +Valentine stedfastly gazed at her; when she observed it, she took up +the nosegay and buried her face in it. "You think it somewhat +indiscreet on my part," he said, "that I sit before you, as though I +were admiring a fine painting; but is it not pardonable if I gaze with +astonishment on that soft bloom which remains as fresh as though hardly +a day had passed since our last meeting. If I banished from my mind the +thought that fourteen years have gone over my head, and that I may be a +married man to-morrow, I might easily delude myself into the belief +that I am sitting in the conservatory of your parent's house, and have +just laid aside the book in which I had been reading aloud to you, who +were meanwhile watching the gnats dancing on the pond, or the falling +of the leaves. In reality however, only youth can give us those hours +of enraptured extasy, that entire blending of the soul with the soul of +nature, when we are freed from the fetters of our own individuality +only to be united, like a plant, all the more closely with the +elements. When I walked home, still entranced, after one of those +evenings, I felt as if I were carried along the poplar alley, as a +feather is borne by the breeze. In later years we often call that +feeling sentimentality, but even now I cannot laugh at it." + +"If I smiled at it in those days, I now feel as if I ought to apologize +for it. We girls are taught by our education to watch over our +sentiments, and to be cautious in our enthusiasms. Now I may confess to +you that I often only wished for Cora to disturb our reading hour by +her barking, or for Frederick to summon us to tea, because I could no +longer restrain my tears." + +"You always had the firmer character of the two. The cement which has +consolidated my nature has only grown hard in the bracing atmosphere of +a stirring, and active life. But the names you have just uttered, what +remembrances they bring back to me! My friend, and my enemy, Frederick, +and Cora. That dear old Frederick. I know that he heartily pitied me, a +feeling which is said to be rare between rivals. You cannot be ignorant +of the feelings with which you inspired him. He worshipped you as +devotedly as a gardener, a servant, can worship his young mistress. He +looked on his case as still more hopeless than mine, though with regard +to our social position, his was by far the more settled of the two. The +quiet sympathy of hopelessness united us. Often when he had come to +fetch us from the conservatory and you were skipping before us after +your dog, and overtaking it, would catch it up in your arms, and kiss +it, he would turn to me with jealous wrath, and say: 'Now, can you +understand. Master Valentine, what pleasure our young lady can find in +hugging that stupid brute?' With an indignant shake of his head; the +hair of which he always arranged carefully, since he served at table, +and could offer you the dishes. If you confess the truth, you will own +that you only fondled that ugly creature for the sake of driving us +distracted." + +"Do not speak ill of the dead," rejoined Eugenie. "Cora sleeps the +sleep of death, not far from the pond where the bench stands underneath +the elm-tree; do you remember it?" + +"How could I have forgotten it? Was it not on that bench that I +fastened your skates, when we started on that skating expedition with +your cousin Lucy. How is your cousin getting on?" + +"She is now a fine lady, with a large family. If she only knew that I +have met you here! Not more than a month ago we were talking of you. +She has a kind remembrance of you, and has not forgotten that bright +winter's afternoon, when we first initiated you in the art of skating, +and she maintains that you squeezed her hand on that occasion with more +ardour than your later behaviour warranted. Since then a shade of +fickleness darkens the otherwise favourable recollection she has of +you." + +"Good heavens!" he exclaimed laughing; "so the most harmless cannot +escape suspicion. To be sure I was not wholly guiltless, but as it so +often happens I must suffer for another sin than that which I really +committed. When you both held my hands to guide my first steps on the +slippery plain, I longed to express more to you by the firm pressure of +my hand than the mere desire not to fall. But you were always +inaccessible to any intelligence of that kind. You will now bear me +witness that I need not reproach myself with regard to little Lucy. Ah! +I still remember it all as if it had been yesterday! I still feel the +glow which rushed through my veins, in spite of the cold December wind; +the enrapturing touch of your hand, which seemed to linger with me for +weeks after. Do not be displeased," he continued, "at my speaking so +freely of all this. We are no longer the same and can now talk of these +things as though they had occurred to some one else. Is it not an +innocent pleasure if I now tell you what so often hung on my lips in +those days, and was always repressed by that unlucky timidity of mine. +We now meet as good comrades do after having settled a debt." + +"And which of us is the creditor?" she asked. "Both of us," he replied. +"Do you not think that I too have some right to that title? If you but +knew what trouble you have caused me; how long your image stood between +me, and every enjoyment of life. But you must have guessed it. When I +used to watch for you on your way to your drawing lesson, when my heart +beat at the sight of your checked cloak, and grey hat--and when I +passed you with all the equanimity I could muster, happy in having been +allowed to salute you, did the unfortunate fate of the poor lad who so +humbly bowed to you never smite your conscience?" + +"You are greatly mistaken my dear friend," she said, with a charming +look of merriment. "I blushed whenever I met any one in that attire +which I fancied gave me the appearance of a scarecrow. The cloak had +long passed out of fashion, but my mother thought it good enough for +the drawing lesson. How many tears of mortified vanity have I not dried +with a corner of that detested garment." + +He laughed. "You see how widely our natures differ. Fate did wisely in +separating us. I for my part on my travels through the world vainly +sought for a similar cloak which seemed to me to be the essence of all +that is beautiful. In France I once remarked at some distance the same +kind of checked stuff. I rushed after it, but found to my +disappointment that the wearer in no way resembled the lady of my +thoughts. Since that time I am inclined to believe that it was the +wearer and not the garment which haunted the dreams of my youth." + +During this conversation the music had continued and the air in the +apartment became hot and oppressive. The young woman agitated her fan, +and inhaled with parted lips the refreshing breeze from it. She +reminded her friend of a remark he had once read in a French book on +the affinity existing between certain blue eyes, and certain glittering +teeth. He told her so. "You see," he continued, "how freely I take +advantage of the privilege of friendship, telling you every thought +which crosses my mind, I make up for my long silence, and you will not +take it amiss. Truly it seems that Providence intends to make me a good +husband and father as on the eve of the important step I am about to +take it relieves my mind from all anxiety regarding it. If I had not +met you, I should never, even in the midst of every domestic felicity, +have been able to rid myself of the fear that some day or other you +would appear, and turn my head as you did years ago. Now that you know +my intentions and that we have placed our friendship on a warm, and +steady footing, I can start on to-morrow's expedition in search of a +wife, with an easy heart." + +They had both risen, and now admired the flowers. "How beautiful this +candelabra is," she remarked. "Fortuna subjected by man, and made to +give him light." + +"I believe it to represent the goddess of victory. The ball on which +fortune glides from us, is wanting here, but Victory remains faithful +to the daring." + +"In that case Victory by serving you on the eve of your expedition, +foretells you good luck." + +"I see you doubt my courage Madam. Certainly you above all others have +a right to do so. But this time I hope to manage my affairs better than +I did fourteen years ago. I intend to challenge my fortune, be it good, +or bad, and force an answer from it. If she smiles on me, I promise you +that to you first, I shall be the herald of my heroic achievement. But +enough of myself as a topic; as yet you have told me nothing of your +own life, and how the years have passed with you. I could not muster +courage to make enquiries about you. After I heard that you were +married, I studiously avoided every place where tidings of you could +reach me. I am even unacquainted with the name of your husband. Will +you introduce me to him. He probably has accompanied you here?" + +"I lost my husband seven years ago." + +He started--"My son is all that is left to me," she resumed, "and I +must now part with him. He has become quite unruly from staying with my +mother in the country, and even if I could find a tutor who knew how to +manage him, I should be sorry to see him pass the merry time of youth +without any companions of his own age." + +"I long to see him," he hastily said, without lifting his eyes from the +flowers in her hand. "So he has lost his father; poor child! When he +has grown up you must send him on a visit to me. I will take him out +hunting, give him my horses to ride, and if he should fall in love with +my daughter, why in that case the beginning and the end would once more +be united, although in a different manner from what I blind mortal, +once dreamt. Would you consent to the match Eugenie?" and he stretched +out his hand to her. + +"With all due regard to the future father-in-law of my son," she +replied gaily. "I should wish first to see the young lady herself, +especially as you cannot even answer for her mother." + +"Of course you must approve of the mother; I should never think of +marrying her, if she had the misfortune to displease you! The wisest +course would be!"-- + +The conversation was here interrupted by a young man, who hesitatingly +approached the embrasure of the window, with the intention of inviting +the lady to dance. She declined, alleging the fatigue of her night +journey as an excuse, and then she left the bower, and mingled with +the rest of the company. Valentine who had remained standing by the +palm-tree, watched her figure amongst the others, and now and then he +fancied he heard her voice. It appeared to him as if he had forgotten +some question of importance, and he tried to recall it to his mind. At +last he remembered that he ought to have enquired for her mother. He +went in search of her to repair his neglect but he could not find her +either in the saloon or in the adjoining rooms. She had disappeared. + + + * * * * * + + +It was on the second day after this meeting; a dense morning fog +still filled the street but the air above was clear, and promised a +sunny day, that in one of the rooms of the hotel, Eugenie sat at a +writing-table, an unfinished letter lying before her. Her folded hands +rested on the paper, and her thoughts strayed far away from the +contents of those lines. + +Now and then when a step was heard in the passage, she started up, and +listened, but they always passed the door, and she remained alone. + +Why did all her thoughts revert to the past, to that particular walk in +the garden where the sunflowers and china asters grew, and the small +fruit-trees threw long shadows across the cabbage beds. The sun was +shining through the high hedge but the air did not resound with the +song of birds. To-morrow when the day waned, she would be far away from +this homely spot, and when she returned, the fruit-trees would be bare, +and snow would cover the ground. The young student who walked by her +side and was digging holes in the gravel with the point of her parasol, +was fully aware of this. He had seen the travelling carriage in the +courtyard, and watched Frederick fastening the valise on the box. When +people start on a journey, who can tell if they will return, or at +least return the same as they went, Is it not expedient then to +exchange one's last bequests, especially if each is disposed to +bequeath body and soul to the other. + +If he had but known how highly he ought to value her condescension in +leading the way to this remote and solitary corner of the garden. As +she walked along, she upbraided herself with having thus far made +advances to him. But she would not take a step further, now it was his +turn to forward matters, and if he did not, she would never forgive +herself for having done so much to loosen his tongue. For it had a high +opinion of the dignity of its sex, this young head of seventeen, and if +the unfortunate youth by her side, had choked with mute respect, she +would not have spoken a word to help him. Was not this walk +sufficiently secluded, and the sun at their backs; was it not the only +time she had ever walked with him in the kitchen garden, and above all, +had he not seen the travelling carriage in the yard. + +On no account, however, was he to perceive that she had contrived all +this for his sake. She talked eagerly of the approaching journey, +expressed her pleasure at seeing her cousins again, and laughingly +described every one of them. + +They had reached the end of the walk, and had looked over the hedge, +but he became more and more laconic. At last he quite ceased talking +and she too became silent. Feelings of passion and mortification rose +in her breast, and nearly choked her. Then she suddenly turned towards +him, and colouring deeply said: "Let us now go back; and give me my +parasol. I shall want it on my journey, and you will break it to +pieces. I must hasten home, as I still have many things to pack. Do you +know that I quite shudder when I think of how much my intellectual +refinement will retrograde during my absence. I shall hardly remember +the English kings in Shakespear's works, which you have taken so much +trouble to impress on my mind. It is a pity, but what can I do? My +cousins are not such pedants as you are. If I return--but who can tell +whether my aunt will not keep me through the winter. Well, it may be a +long time before we can resume our studies and if I pass my examination +badly, this long absence must plead for me." + +More than a year passed before they met again--When the morning +arrived, the travelling carriage was ready to start and the ladies +sitting in it, he approached the door of it and offered a bouquet. The +mother accepted it with many thanks. Eugenie nodded gaily to him, and +gave him her gloved hand. He did not see her pale face, and swollen +eyes behind her thick veil. He closed the door and bowed. As the +carriage drove away, Frederic turned once more towards Valentine, and +across his honest face there passed an expression of pity for his less +fortunate rival. + +This had been in autumn. When they returned in the middle of winter, +Valentine had left the town; he was occupied at a small court of +justice in the country. Only in the following summer he once again rang +the well known bell at the garden gate. On being told that the house +was full of visitors, cousins, and others who were strangers to him, he +charged the servant with a message that he would return another time; +but a cold bow from her mother whom he met in the streets next day, +showed him that he should not find all as he had hoped; so he never +returned. + +Was his absence regretted? Who could solve the enigma on Eugenie's pale +face, when three years later, she married the man her mother had chosen +for her. But now when her thoughts wandered back from the letter before +her to those days of old, the words of a pensive song resounded in her +heart: "There was a time when happiness was mine to give and take +etc."---- + +The clattering of swift hoofs was now heard in the street, and she flew +to the window. A horseman on a beautiful grey Arab galloped through the +thick fog which closed behind him. Clouds of steam arose from the +reeking nostrils of the horse. + +With an agitated glow in her eyes, she watched the proud and manly +bearing of the rider, and the ease with which he managed his restless +horse. + +What a difference between this chivalrous firmness, and the soft +pensive manner of his youth. Still she had recognized at their first +meeting, that his heart had lost none of its fresh bloom; it was +developed not changed. Had he this time divested himself of his former +timidity, and spoken the binding words? She shuddered at the thought. + +Rapid steps were now heard ascending the stairs. Her habitual +self-command did not forsake her, and when Valentine entered the room, +her face was calm in spite of the quick beating of her heart. She met +him with a smile, and offered him her hand. "Good morning," she said: +"so you have kindly kept your promise! The triumphant prancing of your +horse has already apprised me that you return crowned with success." + +"Eugenie," he replied, "you must highly value my visit of to-day, for I +have made it in spite of my conviction that you will have a good laugh +at my expense. My only acquisition by yesterday's expedition is this +horse which I paid for in ready money, and this apple which I stole." +And he laid a fine wax-like apple on the table. "I do not hold the +booty obtained by your campaign so very despicable. I understand +nothing about horses, but as you doubtless obtained the apple from the +hands of your chosen one"---- + +"If I had but reached that point," he resumed despondingly; "the rest +would be easy enough. You are greatly mistaken, however, if you are +inwardly accusing me of having been again wanting in courage. It was +the superfluity of it which in this case hindered my success. Upon my +word, I would, without the slightest hesitation, have made a +declaration to each of the three young ladies, one after the other." + +"What a pretty disaster you would have caused." "I never expected +anything of you but an ironical pity. Still--you may judge from this +how thoroughly perplexed I am--I turn to you for help." + +"You expect more of me than with the best intentions I can give you." + +"Ah, but you can help me Eugenie. Now listen and I will give you an +account of it all. My friend, and I spent a whole day in their +company." + +"That is either a very long, or a very short time as you take it." + +"You are right. The time is long enough to fall in love with all three +sisters, and much too short to decide which of them is to be preferred. +The only way would be to take the whole batch from the nest." + +"Are the nestlings so unfledged that they would submit to that?" + +"To tell the truth I never thought of that. The chief thing for me is +to get so enraptured with one of the sisters, that she should banish +the other two from my mind. But at my age it is difficult to grow +enthusiastic." + +"Then all three are equally irresistible?" + +"Quite so, all of them made to be kissed, and each of them a different +style of beauty; so that when one sees them together one feels that one +could never be satisfied with only one of them." + +"Your account is given in too vague and extravagant terms. I wish to +have it in proper order, and with every detail. First then comes the +fair, then the auburn, then the dark one; or how do they follow in +age?" + +"I don't know." + +"Well, then we will arrange them according to size, and begin with the +smallest. Is it the auburn haired young lady?" + +"I really cannot tell." + +"You seem to have employed your time badly, or was it the triple +fascination which had such power over your feelings from the first, +that your senses left you?" + +"Certainly I cannot excuse myself on that score," he replied laughing. +"I do not remember a more disagreeable sensation than I had yesterday +on my way to L---- A visit to the dentist is a pleasure trip compared +to it. Several times I was on the point of jumping out of the carriage, +but then I reflected that my cousin's horses would soon have overtaken +me, and then I should have been delivered over ignominiously into the +hands of my evil destiny. For on this point, my friend, who is in every +other respect so yielding, knows no mercy. So I plucked up courage, and +thinking over all the evil that had ever befallen me in the course of +my life I tried to find comfort by repeating that in fact it all +amounted very much to the same thing. At last we arrived. I had +stipulated from the beginning that my cousin should not say a word of +my real purpose, either to the father, or to the young ladies. The +doctor was not at home when we first arrived, so we only found the +sisters of fate in the neatest of dresses, fresh and charming like +three rose buds on one stalk. Yes in truth they equalled the three +graces, and their manners too were far from being provincial. I could +not tire of looking at them." + +"The beginning seems promising." + +"When they perceived us, they left their several domestic occupations, +and ran to meet my cousin. Then arose a delightful trio of merry +girlish voices around us. Of course my share of their words, and looks +of greeting, was at first only what civility demanded, and I was quite +contented with this, as it gave me a good opportunity of quietly +observing them. When I first entered the room, and perceived the dark +haired young lady, who looked up from her work with large and wondering +eyes, I said to myself; This is the one, I always had a prediliction +for dark hair. The next moment however, I again wavered at the sight of +the fair haired one, whose voice is as clear as a bird's, and her skin +as white as the cherry blossom. Then the auburn haired one entered, +grace and modesty personified. You will understand, that under these +circumstances my countenance did not wear a very intelligent +expression. However I was soon on very good terms with the three young +ladies, and when they conducted me to the stables to show me the horse, +I even took the liberty of lifting the fair one on its back, and led it +about in the courtyard." + +"Then it is the fair one." + +"Not exactly; I only gave her a ride because she was the most +courageous, and appeared to be very familiar with the grey Arab. She +sat on his back with folded arms as calmly as if she had been on her +sofa, whereas the auburn haired one clung to the mane with a charming +timidity." + +"So all three had to display their horsemanship; at least you can now +judge of the weight of your future wife." + +"No, the dark haired one was not put to the test. Their father had now +joined us. He turned them out of the stable-yard, and charged them to +provide for our dinner. Then we soon settled the bargain, and ratified +it by a bottle of good Heidelberg wine. The doctor pleased me. He is +just the sort of man one would desire for a father-in-law. Besides he +is a good sportsman, an excellent judge of horses, and the best chess +player in the neighbourhood." + +"In that case your young wife will pass very amusing evenings." + +"If it ever comes to that. But as I said before I lost my time, and +opportunities, in a most inexcusable manner. In the afternoon we walked +through the town to see the old castle in which the former king gave +great entertainments, but under the present government it is quite +deserted. The place where the orange-trees stood is now turned into an +orchard. It was a pretty sight to see the delicious looking apples, and +pears lying carefully assorted in great heaps on the green grass; and I +never inhaled a more refreshing odour than was diffused over the spot. +So we walked along; the three sisters in front with light straw hats +and all dressed alike; then we three behind them. While I was examining +them, the thought struck me that I was now in the same position as that +prince who while keeping his father's flocks, was suddenly called on to +award the prize of beauty to one of the three goddesses." + +"So you appropriated to yourself this apple, hoping to extricate +yourself from your embarrassment by a symbolical allusion." + +"I certainly put it in my pocket with that intention; and as we rambled +through the old park, and now one of the sisters, and now another +walked beside me on the narrow path, I several times felt fully +convinced that just this girl was the right one and I secretly grasped +the apple. Then again when one of the others turned round towards me, +or some word or sound of laughter reached me I hastily replaced it. So +I did not dispose of it, and have brought it back with me. + +"Is it not provoking Eugenie, that when love was at hand courage was +wanting, and now that I have gained courage, love is not forthcoming." + +"You must not despair at the outset," she said, encouragingly. "Your +first attempt was not so very bad. Rome was not built in a day, neither +can you expect to found your domestic felicity in so short a time. Are +their names all equally pleasing to you? I lay much stress upon names, +and can easily understand the feelings of that dauphin who would not +wed a woman called Uracca." + +"That cannot decide me either," he answered, despondingly. "Anna, +Claire, and Mary, I know not which I prefer. No, my kind friend, I now +look to you for assistance." + +"To me, I cannot guess how I can be of use to you in this intricate +affair." + +"It is certainly a great favour which I require from your friendship," +he replied with some hesitation. He had now risen, and had taken the +apple in his hand. He threw it several times into the air, caught it +again, and finally replaced it on the table. "You see," he resumed, +"when after having passed a very restless night, I mounted my horse--my +cousin had driven back the same evening--and as I rode through the +fog in the frosty morning air, it occurred to me what a strange +co-incidence, it was that just before deciding on the most important +step of my life, I should meet you once more; you the only one who +really knows me, and in whom I could freely confide, were anything +wanting to your knowledge of my character. I recalled to mind all your +kindness to me, and also all the harm you have done me, and I felt +convinced that you really were my debtor, and owed me some reparation +for all my misfortunes, and privations. What I further thought, +Eugenie!----Well, that is not to the purpose now.--So I devised a plan +which I hope you will not mar." + +"What is it?" she asked absently. + +"Would you consent to get into a carriage with me, and accompany me to +L----? I would take you to the doctor's house, and then you could see +the three girls side by side. The one to whom you gave this apple would +become my wife. I solemnly promise you that I will not raise the +slightest objection to your choice." + +"You cannot give me full powers, and I could not accept them in such a +case." + +"And why so? I am quite convinced that I could be tolerably happy with +any one of them; indeed, for that matter, if I did not think it +presumptuous, I might simply write down their names, throw them into my +hat, and draw my lot with closed eyes. It could not be a great prize, +_that_ has passed for ever; at least many things would have to be +changed; but at all events I should not draw a blank. But why should it +be hazarded, why should you think the responsibility so great, if I +consult you as the friend of my youth, with the firm conviction that a +clever woman can more easily fathom the depth of a girl's character, +than a man ever can." + +"But even if I consented to your adventurous scheme, under what +pretence would you introduce me to the family?" + +"I have also considered this point," he said, striking with his whip +the many coloured pattern of the carpet. "I introduce you to the good +people as my betrothed. In this way we are sure to obtain our end, for +every girl, even the most undesigning, in the presence of a bachelor +endeavours to shew herself in the best light. They are daughters of +Eve. But if I return to them as one already disposed of we shall easily +be able to find out which of the sisters has been acting a part and, +perhaps, I may even discover that one of them has secretly monopolized +my heart. Surprise often brings to light the true character." + +He glanced at Eugenie who stood before him with an air of quiet +deliberation. She had let him come to the end of his proposal, but now +she shook her head. + +"Think of some other plan, Valentine. I cannot consent to this one." + +"There is no danger in it." + +"Possibly, but I am neither skilled enough, nor do I feel inclined to +act that part, and were I suddenly to drop the mask my embarrassment +could hardly exceed yours." + +"Consent at least to assume the character of a sister." + +She considered for a while. "If I agree to this," she said at last, "I +only do so for the sake of proving how little I can help you. The +qualities in a girl, which please or displease an old woman, are +totally different from those which seem important to a man. I confess +that curiosity has a share in my decision, and above all the fear of +your cousin, who would never forgive me if I did not further his +philanthropic plans on your behalf." + +"I thank you," he exclaimed joyously, taking her hand and kissing it. +"Now I am free from all anxiety. A true friend is certainly one of the +greatest blessings under heaven. I will go this moment to the landlord, +and order a carriage." + +"Your wooer's wings must submit however to some delay. Or do you expect +me to perform the part you have forced upon me in my morning dress and +cap?" + +"In truth," he replied, "I never noticed that. In my opinion you might +boldly drive to L---- in your present attire. The hair so pushed back +under your cap, shows your fair temples to advantage, I am enabled +again to admire those unruly meshes in your neck which in former days +ensnared my poor heart, like a fish struggling in a net." + +She held up her finger threateningly, and then said, while a sudden +blush suffused her face: "Take care, else I will betray you to your +future bride. Your triple courtship, however, excuses the disregard +with which you treat the toilette of an old friend. Here are some +books; amuse yourself in the meantime; I will be back presently." + +She disappeared into the adjoining room and closed the door behind her. + +He approached the table on which the apple lay, and after pensively +gazing at it for a while, he suddenly gave it an angry push, which sent +it flying over the edge of the table, and rolling across the carpet. He +sighed, and as if to rouse himself struck his hand with his whip till +it smarted. He then mechanically took up one of the books which lay in +the corner of the sofa. It was a volume of Moerike's poems, and they +exercised on him their powerful charm. He forgot all around him, and +drawn on from page to page was soon completely absorbed in "The moonlit +path of love once sacred." + +Suddenly the door from the passage opened and a lad of about ten years +rushed into the room. + +"Mother," he cried, "will you allow me---- Why to be sure she is not +here," he then said to himself, and turned his sharp clear eyes +inquiringly on the stranger. "Come here, my boy," said Valentine +stretching out his hand to him. "Your mother is dressing in the next +room. What is your name?" + +"Fred is my name." + +"Won't you give me your hand, Fred?" + +The lad hesitated. "Who are you?" he asked partly embarrassed, partly +defiant. + +"I am an old acquaintance of your mother's. She will not object to your +giving me your hand. So, that is right. Will you come to see me some +day? I have four handsome horses in my stables. I will give you a small +gun, and will take you out shooting with me. The first hare you shoot, +you shall bring to your mother." + +The boy's eyes sparkled, but suddenly he became thoughtful, and said, +"I should like it very much, but I must go to school. This is my last +holiday, and the two sons of the head-master have just invited me to go +into the fields with them to fly a kite." + +"Well, then you will come to see me in the vacation time. Would you +like that, Frederick?" + +"Yes, if my mother permits it." + +"Go, and ask her, my dear boy. We will become fast friends, won't we?" + +The lad nodded. Valentine took him up and kissed him. Then his mother +called him into her room; and Valentine heard him, as he eagerly +repeated what the strange gentleman had said to him. "He gave me a +kiss," continued the boy. "Why does he love from the first moment he +sees me?" + +They continued the conversation in an under tone, and then the boy left +his mother's room by another door. + +Valentine approached the window, and watched him as he left the house, +and joined his two playfellows, who had been waiting below for him. His +fair straight hair hung in masses about his shoulders; his round +childish face beamed underneath the border of his cap. Yet the man at +the window seemed to find no pleasure in the sight. + +When Eugenie, dressed for the drive, entered the room, she found him +still in the same position. She wore a dark green hat with a waving +black feather, and a short grey cloak which closely fitted her fine +figure. "I am ready, my friend," she said; "let us get into the +carriage?" + +He looked up in confusion. "The carriage?" he asked. + +"Yes, the carriage which I suppose you ordered long ago." + +"I confess," he replied, "that I have not yet done so. I did not expect +you to be dressed so soon." + +"You are certainly the first man to complain of that. Well, so it seems +that I must provide for our departure." + +She rung the bell and ordered a carriage. Whilst her orders were being +executed, Valentine remained standing near the window, and attentively +examined the arabesques on the curtain. He perceived that she stooped +to pick up the apple, but did not anticipate her. + +"Well, I think you ought to treat this fine apple with more respect," +she said jestingly. "You see it has been already injured by its heavy +fall." + +"Perhaps it were best Eugenie to leave it where it is. The reluctant +shudder of yesterday is already coming over me. Why must I try my luck +at L---- Why should it be one of the three sisters. Possibly I need not +look so far to find what I desire." + +"You ought to be ashamed of your vacillation," she answered with +comical solemnity. "Is this the courage you boasted of? Come, rouse +your spirits, and replace the stolen apple in your pocket. The sin you +have committed by this theft, can only be expiated by the more +difficult task of stealing the heart of one of the sisters. Come, I +hear the carriage driving to the door. You have excited my curiosity, +and I shall not rest till it is satisfied." + +When the carriage had left the town, and was rolling smoothly along the +even road, Valentine broke the silence. "I have become acquainted with +your son, Eugenie," he said. + +"You must praise him to me," she hastily returned; "I am a very proud +mother, he is the very image of his father." + +"I thought so," he resumed. "The face seemed strange to me. I only +recognized the mouth. This mouth is strikingly like yours, Eugenie." + +She turned away towards the carriage window, and her eyes wandered over +the landscape, which had now contracted, so as to form a narrow valley +surrounded on both sides by steep vineyards. The mist had entirely +cleared away, and the wet tendrils and leaves of the vines sparkled in +the bright sunlight. The river bordered with willows, and alders flowed +smoothly by the road side, and small barges glided rapidly along the +current. Nothing is so refreshing and enlivening as a drive on a fine +autumn day. Valentine experienced its charm and soon resumed the +conversation. He enquired after the health of her mother, and after a +while Eugenie began to speak of her husband. "You would have been his +friend, Valentine," she gravely said. "He was an excellent man, and a +brave officer and he had a profound and unaffected admiration for all +that is good and beautiful. Those who did not know him intimately +thought him cold and indifferent, but inwardly, he was full of generous +warmth which he kept for his family, his friends and those who were in +want. My mother still grieves for him, as she grieved for my father. I +hope that Frederick will some day resemble him in every respect." + +Valentine was silent for a long time. At last he asked, without looking +at his companion, "Have you never thought of choosing a second husband +among the many suitors who no doubt have surrounded you?" + +"No, my dear friend," she answered quietly. "Passions have never +troubled me, and a marriage founded on esteem--it always is a lucky +chance if one does not repent of it afterwards." + +They had now reached a turn in the valley, and the unexpected change of +scene interrupted the conversation. On the left hand where the vine +covered hills receded from the river, lay a small town, the industry of +whose inhabitants was testified by the smoking chimnies of many +factories, and the roaring and clashing of the water engines. + +A broad stone bridge led across the river, and high above the old gable +roofed houses, rose the graceful edifice of a gothic church, whose +perforated spire of delicate fret-work with the ornamented cross at the +top, projected boldly into the clear blue sky, and was surrounded by +swarms of pigeons. + +"This is C----" said the coachman, pulling up his horses for a moment, +and pointing towards the town with the end of his whip. + +"Drive over the bridge," cried Valentine; "we wish to visit that +beautiful cathedral before we proceed on our journey." + +Eugenie looked at him enquiringly. "Let me manage it all," continued +Valentine, turning to her. "We are sure of reaching the doctor's house +in good time, so I propose that we rest here awhile, climb up to that +steeple, and dine at the inn of the place; by this plan we shall not +arrive just as my future father-in-law is sitting down to dinner. +To-night there is full moon, so that our drive back, though somewhat +late, will not be the less pleasant." + +"Be it so," she replied, "I only stipulate that the rest of our plan +remain as we had first agreed upon, and that the valiant knight does +not seek a pretext to keep the apple again in his own pocket." + +He laughingly promised it on his honour as a knight. + +The carriage had now stopped before the cathedral. They got out and +desired the old portal to be opened for them. The grey-haired +door-keeper slowly led them through the lofty nave and aisles, coughing +and gasping at every step. + +"The dank air of the church is not good for you, old lady," remarked +Valentine. "Have you not a grandchild, who could serve in your stead, +as a guide to strangers? You ought to sit basking in the sun. Go, and +leave us to find the way by ourselves." + +"Showing the church is all well enough," replied the old woman, "but I +can no longer drag myself up the steep stairs of the steeple; so if the +lady and gentleman wish to climb up there, they will have to go by +themselves. You cannot miss the way; one flight of steps follows the +other, till you reach the upper gallery; once there, you will have had +enough of it." + +Valentine looked at Eugenie. "Shall we try?" he asked. She nodded, so +they passed through the narrow portal, guarded by two dragons hewn in +stone and they began their ascent; leaving their old conductress below. +Up there the scanty warmth, and light of the autumnal sun could not +penetrate, and the dim cool twilight which prevailed, inclined them to +silence. As they ascended the winding stairs, Valentine watched the +little feet, which so nimbly mounted the steps before him. He felt as +if he could not but follow them, even if they chose to venture out on +the steep roof, which now and then was to be seen through the +apertures. He heaved an involuntary sigh. She stopped on one of the +landing places, and turning looked smilingly at him. "You are out of +breath it seems." + +"On the contrary, I feel as if I had too much of it," he replied. + +"Do not squander it, methinks you will yet want it. See how high above +the world we are already, and still the gallery over the nave is much +higher." + +"I believe you are in fact leading me straight to heaven, Eugenie." + +"Gently, gently, you must first deserve it," she replied laughingly. + +"And if I carry it by storm?" + +"It remains to be seen whether you are as exempt from giddiness, as +such a titanic achievement would require. But I would rather you now +walked before me; for the stairs grow narrower, and narrower, and I +fear I shall lose courage if I see no one in front of me." + +He complied with her wish, and pensively ascended the steps before her. +Only the rustling of her dress against the wall told him that she was +still behind him. So they reached the first gallery which ran round the +base of the spire, and entered the interior part of it. "Don't let us +stop here," she said, "I will not look around me, till we have reached +to the very top. Meanwhile we can admire what is above us. Look how +curiously, this pointed airy tent of stone closes around us; a cool +bower. It is a pity that the wooden pillar which supports the small +upper staircase, somewhat disfigures it, and mars the effect of this +beautiful sculptured rosace. But to be sure without it, we could not +reach the very point of the spire. Come now, let us proceed in our +ascent." + +They soon stood beside each other on the aerial summit, and gazed with +exulting awe into the fathomless depth below them. The numberless +denticulations and ornamented pinnacles of the cathedral, the hundreds +of chimnies and roofs, the neat market-place with its quaint looking +old town-hail, the swarms of people in the streets, every thing +appeared small, strange, and silent as if it were a world of pigmies. +At a little distance the river basked in the sun, resembling a silver +snake, and its ripples glittered like scales in the light. Further down +the valley in the grey distance, above the vineyards rose the clear and +cloudless outlines of blue and purple hills. As they stood beside each +other, and leant over the stone parapet, he gazed intently at her +purely cut profile, which she had heedlessly exposed to the sun. Her +eyes were still fixed on the world below her; the wind had dishevelled +her long hair and the loosened tresses brushed Valentine's cheek. She +did not notice it; her parted lips eagerly inhaled the freshening +breeze, her delicate nostrils dilated, and the blood flowed more +rapidly through her blue veins. + +"Are we not amply repaid for the fatiguing ascent," she asked. "How +beautiful it is here. The further we are separated from our fellow +creatures the dearer to our hearts they become. I can easily imagine +that if a fierce misanthrope filled with animosity and hate were to +ascend to these heights, with the intention of precipitating himself +over the parapet, he would be suddenly softened and converted, after +looking on these humble roofs, underneath which thousands of people +bear the sufferings and toils of this life, and are contented if they +can only see the sun, and the sky, and the golden cross on their +steeple." + +"There certainly is a purifying virtue in the air of higher regions," +he replied in a low voice. "We are freed from the oppression of daily +petty considerations and customs, and are drawn nearer to the Creator. +We feel as if we were called to rise above the world, part of which we +survey at our feet. Even the most faint-hearted must feel the wings of +his soul expand, and that which he dared not utter or even think in the +midst of the din, and cares of every day life, here spontaneously flows +from his heart to his lips." + +Suddenly the sound of trumpets and flutes reached them from below, and +they saw a band of music followed by a crowd, slowly advancing in +solemn procession, as it issued out of one of the narrow streets, and +marched across the market-place. The brass of the instruments sparkled +in the sun and some of the people wore bouquets in their hats. +"Apparently a wedding," remarked Valentine. "But where is the bride?" +interposed Eugenie. "It rather seems to me to be one of those +expeditions which now daily proceed to the vintage accompanied by +singing and music. But you have just mentioned weddings; that reminds +me of the great aim of our excursion. Come let us descend." He appeared +not to have heard her. "Eugenie," he said, "if we had stood up here +fourteen years ago, all would have been different." + +"Who can say if it would have been better. I am inclined to think that +all that happens to us is well, and for our good." + +He had pulled out the apple, and held it before him on the stone +parapet. + +"Do you really believe that Eugenie?" + +"Yes, I do." + +"And if I had told you then, what escaped from my lips, the first +evening we again met, what would have been your answer?" + +"That question, is a matter of conscience, my dear friend," she +replied, carelessly, "which even up here a hundred feet above the every +day world you are not justified in asking. Before I could give you a +clear and concise answer, I should have to read through some chapters +in the book of my life, which I have not perused for many a year." "And +that truly is a trouble which I cannot expect you to take," he replied +in a pained, harsh tone. "Besides it would be useless labour as the +writing must have long since faded. I forgot that though the chapters +in my book, end in a blank, yours have a continuation." Saying these +words he leant over the parapet, and the apple he held in his hand +rolled as if by accident over the edge. In its fall it struck one of +the many pinnacles which surrounded the spire, and broke into several +pieces, which flew, describing wide curves, into the street. + +"What have you done Valentine?" exclaimed Eugenie; "where shall we be +able to steal another apple? Only fruits of stone can be plucked here. +But now let us hasten down." + +"You are right," he replied, indifferently, "here every thing is of +stone; I did not think of that." Then he remained silent till they +reached the streets. The gloom however, which had settled on his +countenance, could not hold out against the unconstrained gaiety of his +companion. His brow cleared before they had taken many steps on their +way to the inn. She had taken his arm through the narrow tortuous +streets, her cloak, which in the warm sunshine had become too heavy for +her, hung loosely from her shoulders. As they walked along, they joked +merrily at the smell of the new wine, which met them at the entrance of +every cellar and courtyard and even pervaded the precincts of the old +dilapidated church, and at the large vats which obstructed their way. + +When they reached the inn, the hour of the table d'hote had passed, so +they sat down alone in the large room, at a small table, where they +were amply provided with the best wine of the country; but Eugenie +wished for a bottle of that year's vintage. She said she longed to +taste that beverage the scent of which she had so abundantly enjoyed +during her walk-- + +When she had tasted it, she praised the sweet and turbid drink. + +"It resembles first love," remarked Valentine, "beware of its strength; +it will turn your head." + +"At my age there is no danger of that," she replied, smiling. "I am an +old woman already, and take my daily nap after dinner. To-day this bad +habit will be of great service to me." + +She then retired to a room prepared for her, and Valentine remained +alone in company of the wine and his thoughts. The uneasiness of the +morning had passed, and he no longer pondered on what would be the end +of all this. The voice of a good genius secretly whispered in his ear +that fate now smiled on him. He looked around, as if to ascertain that +no one was near, and then hastily took a sip from Eugenie's glass, with +the devout superstition that it would help him to divine her thoughts. +As however no enlightenment on this point was vouchsafed him, he +consoled himself with the thought that without doubt, she was asleep at +that moment, and so could think of nothing. He represented her to +himself reclining on the sofa, her small feet crossed, and her head +drooping on her shoulder. A sensation of happiness thrilled through +him; he felt as if he must hasten upstairs, kneel before the fair +sleeper, and press her hand to his lips. But he soon rejected this +thought, lighted a cigar and patiently waited for Eugenie's appearance. +It certainly seemed as if the new wine had confirmed its reputation, +for more than an hour passed before the door was opened, and his fair +companion re-appeared. + +"Good morning," she exclaimed, "how long have I slept? truly this wine +though it seems so harmless, is even in its cradle as powerful as an +offspring of the gods. It will be late before we reach the home of your +fair ones." + +"We never can reach it late enough," he replied, laughing. "Think of +what you promised me on your honour as a knight," she said, with a +menacing gesture, "and hasten our departure. What a careless mother I +am, instead of spending my poor boy's last holiday with him, I stroll +about the country making the acquaintance of new wine, and old +churches." + +In spite of Valentine's efforts to hasten their departure the day had +waned before they reached their destination. The fog had gathered +again, when the carriage slowly ascended the hill on which the town was +built, and rattled over the bad pavement. Valentine lifted Eugenie from +the carriage when it stopped at the inn, and silently walked by her +side through the streets to the doctor's house. She remarked that he +was greatly agitated, and she almost felt pity for him, but they had +already mounted the stone steps which led up to the neat little house, +the knocker had sounded, and a moment afterwards the door was opened by +a stout little man with large gold spectacles. + +"Why, what's this!" cried the merry old gentleman, pushing back his +spectacles. "What gives me the unexpected pleasure of seeing you so +soon again? I hope there is nothing wrong about the horse----but I see +you have brought company with you, and I have left you standing out +there in this rude manner. You must excuse me, fair lady; you see we +are still barbarians in this remote corner of the world. I beg you will +honour, my humble roof. But now tell me seriously my dear friend _is_ +there anything the matter with Almansor? Unfortunately you will find no +one but myself at home, my dear Madam; my daughters will be +inconsolable when they hear that during their absence----but I will +send for them this very moment; but stop a bit! why confound me, I +remember now, I have already sent for them, they will be here in a few +minutes. To the left Madam if you please, will you kindly walk in here, +most honoured guests?" + +They entered the room, the door of which the lively little man had +opened for them. In the centre stood a table laid for four, on which +there were cold viands and a bottle of new wine. The whole was lighted +up by the faint twilight which stole through the window. "Now you can +judge for yourself, my most honoured friend, how we are treated by our +children," resumed the doctor. "Those naughty girls of mine run away, +and leave their papa to wait for his supper. We will play them a trick +however, nothing but the empty dishes, shall they find on their return. +But what a fool I am, inviting you to supper without considering that +this scanty meal is in no way fit for such charming visitors. +Unfortunately the cook is gone to summon them, so there is no one +to----But please to be seated at least, take off your hat and cloak, +and make yourself comfortable--Welcome to L---- most honoured lady. Now +my friend _do_ tell me has the horse?"---- + +"I can relieve your mind on that point my dear doctor," Valentine at +last interposed. "I value Almansor's excellent qualities more than +ever, since he has found favour in the eyes of my betrothed, to whom I +have the pleasure of introducing you." Eugenie bowed to their amazed +host. She checked the words which had risen to her lips, and only a +severe look reproved Valentine for this arbitrary assertion, so +contrary to their treaty. + +Had the little doctor entertained other hopes since yesterday's visit? +Had he attached greater importance to it than mere horse-dealing?--With +a low bow he stammered forth his congratulations, and thanked Valentine +for honouring him with this visit. However he soon recovered his jovial +equanimity and laughingly said: "Well, you are the most complete +hypocrite and false hearted friend! Did you not on this very spot abuse +matrimony so vehemently, that you even alarmed, and terrified such an +old widower as I am? and then to come next day accompanied by your +betrothed----Well, she certainly is bewitching enough to convert a +heathen.--Pardon me, pardon me, Madam." + +Valentine laughed. "I can assure you, doctor; that none but you are +responsible, if after all my yesterday's heresy has been retracted." + +"I? you are joking." + +"No, I am speaking in good earnest. For you have, or rather your horse +has been of great assistance to me in winning this fair lady's hand. +This morning when mounted on Almansor, I rode up to the window behind +which stood my beloved one, the sight melted the hardness of her heart, +and she acknowledged herself conquered. Hardly had I recovered my +senses, which were somewhat confused by this unexpected victory than I +declared that you should be the first person to hear of our engagement, +so we ordered a carriage and drove to L---- and now permit your +grateful and overjoyed friend to embrace you." + +"Ah!" exclaimed the delighted doctor, "my fancy for horses has caused +me many vexations, but this master-stroke of Almansor's makes ample +amends for it all. No my dear young lady, you need not take it amiss +that your betrothed has divulged your secret. I esteem you all the more +highly since I find that you acknowledge a man to be only complete on +horseback. Now leave it all to me, my eye ranges all over the country, +and if some day I should find a lady's horse worthy of cantering by the +side of Almansor----" + +"It shall be _mine_; let us shake hands over it, doctor, and the first +time I ride with my wife, you shall accompany us." + +"Agreed," cried the little man, and energetically shook hands with his +guest. "But where are those girls, confound them; just when all is +ready to celebrate this happy event they are wanting." + +"Are your daughters on a visit in the town?" asked Eugenie. + +"Yes, my dear young lady, they have been invited to one of the autumnal +grape gatherings, by a friend of mine, who has daughters of the same +age. I have no doubt, that the affair will finish off with a dance; +however I exercised my paternal authority, and strictly enjoined them +to come home before evening. I will not again allow them to dance at +this season of the year, for every time they have done so, they have +brought home bad colds. Now they will miss you delightful visit, and it +serves the disobedient hussies quite right--but they really must come I +will have them fetched home instantly! halloo Henry!" he shouted to a +farm-servant, whom he had seen passing, from the window; "just run over +to the Kitzinger garden and tell Margaret to bring them home +immediately. Now you see," he continued, turning to his guests, who sat +side by side on the sofa without looking at each other, "how little +respect a father enjoys. You must educate your children with more +severity. Ah! if my wife still lived, it would all be different." + +Eugenie blushed and remained silent, but Valentine exclaimed: "No, no +Doctor, don't disturb your daughters in their merry making. It is true +that I have praised them so much to my dear Eugenie that she will not +leave L---- without having made their acquaintance, but there will be +time for that to-morrow, for the moon does not make its appearance, +and I hear that we shall be well provided for at the inn of the +Crown."--"Are you not of my opinion darling," he said turning to +Eugenie, and suddenly approaching his lips to hers. + +"Valentine," said the young woman, and drew back quickly, "you seem to +have forgotten what you promised me."--"Now what do you say to that +Doctor? She reminds me of my promise, and does not keep hers. Eugenie +have you not vowed to agree to all my wishes, and are you justified in +refusing a kiss to your betrothed. Come now let us seal our engagement +as students seal their fellowship. We have not yet done so." + +"That is right!" exclaimed their host. "This is only new wine, but in +the cellar...." + +"Don't trouble yourself my dear friend; is not new wine sweet, turbid, +and intoxicating like first love. And you must know. Doctor, that the +fair charmer before you has been worshipped by me from the time I +entered college and though fate parted us in later days. 'Old love +fades not,' as the people say, and you know that 'the voice of the +people, is the voice of the gods.' So we will perform the sacred act +with none other but new wine. Fill your glass. Doctor!" + +He had risen with these words and again turned towards Eugenie, with +two full glasses in his hand. She sat on the sofa suffused with +blushes, and her eyes fixed on the ground. Maidenly confusion sealed +her lips, she tried to speak, but could not utter a word, so she took +the glass mechanically. He then knelt before her, twined his arm within +hers after the fashion of the students and emptied his glass at one +draught. She took a sip from hers with half averted face. Valentine +then threw away his glass and kissed her lips.[5] + +"That's right," said the doctor. "You need not blush fair lady, if an +old man like myself is present at so solemn an act. All I ask as a +reward for my good offices, is that I should be permitted to assist at +the wedding." + +Valentine silently nodded, and remained standing for a while before +her, pensively gazing on her calm brow. + +"My dear Doctor," he then began, "you must make some allowance for two +people who are nearly out of their senses with joy. It is no trifling +matter, I assure my dear friend, when one's betrothal is only of a few +hours standing; particularly as this cruel lady love of mine tormented +me so relentlessly with her wicked tricks, and her apparent +indifference struck me dumb, and made me feel as timorous as a bashful +youth. It was so years ago, when she was still in her mother's house, +and I used often to think that I should no longer be able to stand it, +but must plunge into the water to cool my smarting wounds. Then when we +again met after many years of separation she was just the same. How +often, by some jesting word has she not checked the confession which +hovered on my lips, that my feelings for her had remained unaltered; +and who knows how all would have turned out, had it not been for you, +my dear Doctor. Now, however, you see she has quite changed, and you +would never believe how much of subtleness and womanly art lies hidden +beneath those demure eyelids." + +"Nay, you calumniate me, dear Valentine," she said, and raised her +beautiful moist eyes to his. "It is only natural that I should not show +my feelings so openly here, in a house which is yet strange to me, +though it may not appear so to you." + +"And whose is the fault, if not mine," cried the doctor, "or rather of +those disobedient damsels who leave all the duties of a host to me." +"Well, where are they? what are they about, why are they not with you +Margaret?" he angrily asked the cook who had now entered the room. + +"You see. Sir, the master and mistress of the house pressed the young +ladies to stay for the evening," replied the old woman staring at the +two visitors with wondering eyes. "They promised that the young ladies +should not dance too much, and Miss Clara thought that if I put it in +that light to you Sir!..." + +"Deuce take it," cried the doctor, in a passion, "but they must come +home immediately!" + +"Nay, my dear Doctor," Eugenie said, entreatingly. "Pray do not burthen +our consciences with this cruelty." + +"Heaven forbid," Valentine hastily added. "Tomorrow there will be time +enough." + +"Well, let us go after them," proposed the doctor, "what do you say to +closing this eventful day with a dance?" + +"Are we not better here," replied Valentine, "we do not know your +friends, and would greatly prefer remaining another hour under your +hospitable roof if you will permit us to do so. Is it not so Eugenie?" + +She nodded. The old gentleman then rubbed his hands delightedly, and +declared that he had not felt so pleased for many a year. He sent the +maid into the cellar and the larder and made her bring all that was to +be found in the house, in spite of the entreaties of his visitors not +to make so much ado for them. When they were at last sitting gaily and +comfortably together, the doctor exclaimed with a look of satisfaction: +"Now if the girls but knew what they have missed by their +disobedience!" + +Valentine smilingly looked at Eugenie who had now completely recovered +her usual calm demeanour and gave with composure her opinion on the +subject of the future arrangement of their life, which Valentine had +proposed, and played her part admirably. + +When the clock struck ten, she arose. "I am afraid, we can await your +daughters no longer;" she said, "to-morrow, when they have rested after +their dancing we will return." + +"I will not detain you," replied the doctor, "for I verily believe that +they will not come home, till I go and fetch them myself. That is the +way they treat their old father. I will forgive them, however, this +time an account of the pleasure they have procured me of having your +society all to myself. But I rely on your promise to return to-morrow, +and perhaps, you will understand my paternal weakness when you see +these naughty daughters of mine." + +So they all set forth; the doctor had insisted on accompanying them to +the door of the hotel; there he left them, and they silently followed +the waiter who carried the light before them. He opened two adjoining +rooms and after wishing them good night disappeared. + +Valentine stretched out his hand to Eugenie. She pressed it, and said +calmly, looking up at him, + +"Good night to you, my dear friend, sleep well, and au revoir +to-morrow." + +Then she entered her room and closed the door behind her. + +After remaining quiet for some time he knocked gently at the door which +separated the two rooms. + +"Eugenie," he whispered. + +"What do you want?" she asked. + +"Your good night of before, was against our treaty." + +"Against what treaty?" + +"That which we solemnly ratified with the doctor's new wine." + +"I think we have had enough of this acting I only agreed to the pledge +because I thought it lay in my part." + +"Can we not continue in earnest, what we began in jest. At all events +it was a solemn vow made before witnesses." + +"Well, then I will make up for it to-morrow morning, and now once more +good night." But no movement showed that she had turned from the door. +So after a pause Valentine began again, + +"And all the rest may I not consider it as true?" + +"What do you mean?" + +"Well, all that we acted this evening." + +"That is a good deal." + +"Eugenie." + +"Well." + +"Can that be too much which alone can give me back the life and +happiness you have taken from me a thousand times?" + +"When I consider...." + +"Oh, Eugenie, say that I may throw myself at your feet, that I may +kneel before you. Do open the door--!" + +"Gently, gently, my dear friend. You certainly deserve some punishment. +What! is this all your courage? You can only speak out what weighs on +your mind behind the shelter of a closed door! I will bet anything that +you have even put out the light hoping that the darkness may give you +confidence. You dare not acknowledge your love for me in the face of +day. You are a poor hero indeed. But I will now confess to you that I +have owed you a grudge for many a year." + +"You are jesting again, Eugenie." + +"No, this time I am thoroughly in earnest. If in former years you had +as little courage as now, why at all events could you not have been as +cunning. Was there no door then behind which you could have owned to me +what now comes too late!" + +"Too late? No, Eugenie; where are the years that separate us from that +time? Is it not the same timid lad of those days who now stands here, +and implores you to lighten the darkness around him with a heavenly ray +from your eyes. Can you leave me to despair?" + +He waited some time for an answer. Suddenly the door was noiselessly +opened, and she stood before him smiling, but with tears in her eyes. + +"One kiss freely given you, as a token of forgiveness for all you have +made me suffer," she said. + +He folded her in his arms and she softly passed her hand across his +brow, saying: "Here, there are many lines, but our hearts are still +fresh and youthful, and to-morrow we will begin life anew where we left +it off fourteen years ago." + +She pressed her lips to his, and with his arm round her waist, he led +her to the window. The moon had dispersed the fog, and a gentle +autumnal breeze wafted the scent of the grapes through the open +casement. + +"Let US drive back to-night, my darling," she said. "I could not sleep +now, and the air is quite mild. Go, while you order the carriage, I +will write a few lines to the doctor, and tell him not to expect us +to-morrow: Is it true, Valentine, can it be true, that we have at last +told each other what we knew years ago?"-- + + + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 1: A part of Switzerland on the frontiers of Italy.--The +Translator.] + +[Footnote 2: Not the Lombardy poplar, but the populus Alba, or Abele +tree, which is wide spreading.--The Translator.] + +[Footnote 3: Name of a promenade at Meran.--The Translator.] + +[Footnote 4: Lauben. A provincial term for arcades.--The Translator.] + +[Footnote 5: This is an old custom at the German universities when +a new comer enters the Fellowship--they call it "Bruederschaft +trinken."--The Translator.] + + + + THE END. + + + + + * * * * * + PRINTING OFFICE OF THE PUBLISHER. + * * * * * + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Dead Lake and Other Tales, by Paul Heyse + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEAD LAKE AND OTHER TALES *** + +***** This file should be named 33916.txt or 33916.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/9/1/33916/ + +Produced by Charles Bowen, from page images provided the Web Archive + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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